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1375493398 | 1375507884 | null | t5_2to41 | 129 | Ex-Stripper: TIFU by tanning topless
I've been back home from university for summer holidays, spending time with my family, and occasionally tanning out on our balcony (we live in the city, no beaches nearby, but the balcony is just fine for that little bit of sunshine).
We usually all have different things to do over the summer, so I decided to come home when our time together would overlap. First, my mom leaves on her trip. A couple of days later my sister departs, shortly followed by my brother. So it's just me and my dad at home, but he works all day so I'm home alone during the day and most of the evening/night. That's fine, I don't really mind.
Wake up and it's the most beautiful, sunny, cloud-free day of the week, so I whip out my bikini and go outside from some time out in the sun at around noon. Lay out a towel, put on some sunscreen, sit back and relax - all is well! I figure since no one's home that I might as well tan the girls, so I take off my bikini top and lounge back down. Plug in some headphones, close my eyes, and before I know it I'm dozing in the sunlight.
About an hour and a half later I wake up, all hot and sweaty, so I decide to go back inside to get a glass of water, but hear some people talking in my parents' room - strange, so I quickly grab my clothes from outside and go investigate.
Now, our apartment building is being taken down/rebuilt later this month, but they have other replicates and ones in construction all over Tokyo, so some apartments have been used for house tours as a model for the new apartments to come. So I walk into my parents' room, and there's the manager and a Japanese family of five - an elderly couple, a man and wife, and their toddler-aged son - taking a tour of the room. The manager looks *really* flustered and a bit embarrassed, and excuses himself from the family to go talk to me.
"Today I give tour of apartment for new family, did you get notice letter?"
Woops, in fact we did, but it was a couple weeks ago and I had completely forgotten about it. No big deal, I can leave the house if it makes it easier for them.
"Oh yeah, I'm really sorry, I can leave and come back while you give them the tour, at what time do you think you'll be finished?"
Again, he looks really embarrassed and doesn't really make eye contact.
"Almost done, but next time, please do not go on the balcony."
What? What's wrong with going on the balco- oh. *Oooooh.* Now I'm all embarrassed, I nod and fumble out an apology, and instead of just leaving it at that, decide that I have to go and apologize to the family for my indecency.
I don't think I can put into words how uncomfortable it is to be stared down with stern, unamused, and judgmental looks from four extremely presentable and proper Japanese people, all standing close to one another like an army formation. Oh man, I couldn't even say anything when I got there, I just gave a quick apologetic bow and ran off to my room.
Got my bag and keys, and legged it out of there, couldn't even look my manager in the eyes when I had to go through the lobby.
***
**TL;DR** The Japanese do not like half-nude women lounging around in what their next home could look like, no they do not.
Man-Dude-Goat: That must be one of the most embarrassing situations i would imagine someone to be in..
-starts whispering- Dammit, I wish i was there!
Ex-Stripper: I can think of 2/5 people that may not have been as upset as they were showing.
No but seriously, what's wrong with a little bit of lunchtime tatas? They're freeeee.
Soccadude123: Especially an ex- strippers tits
| 4 | 32.25 | |
1375497471 | 1375628412 | null | t5_2to41 | 77 | thowawaypooperson: TIFU by believing my kid, then getting caught in a traffic jam.
In hindsight, the wife and I should have seen it coming. Our youngest son is a legendary pants pooper in our family. At eight and a half years old, he's on a roll to set the record for the most ruined pairs of underwear in a single childhood. He's crapped his pants at home, in line at the grocery store, at the movie theater, at the park... I'm sure you get the picture. My wife and I learned long ago that it's always best to keep at least one change of clothes in the car. Depending on how far from home we are, we might take two. Typically, he'll pinch a loaf off in his pants at the absolute worst moment, and today was no exception.
I had a rare Friday off, and the wife and kids wanted to get out of the house. So we packed the boys up and drove across the James River to the Virginia Living Museum for a day of air conditioned entertainment. Our ride across the water went relatively smooth, with the boys mostly keeping to themselves (that should have been the first indicator that there was trouble brewing). While we were at the museum, we had a few minor incidences of crankiness from the kids, but nothing of note.
Before we left, we insisted that the boys go to the bathroom.
The two older ones went into the bathroom while the wife and I interrogated the little one about his need to drop a load. He promised us that he only had to pee, so I took him into the men's room and made sure he did his business before we set out for home.
We hop on the interstate and head east, only to get stuck in what I can only describe as a hornet's nest of traffic. According to the radio, it wasn't even a five mile backup, but traffic wasn't moving at all. When we were two miles from the nearest exit, we heard the dreaded call from the back seat that I was hoping against hope we wouldn't hear.
“I have to go poop and I don't think I can hold it.”
At that exact moment, the most hideous odor filled the car and we had to roll the windows down. It was so hot and humid outside that the “fresh” air didn't do us much good at all. So for what seemed like an excruciating eternity until we could get to the next exit, my wife, my 11 and 12 year old sons and I had to endure the unbearable stink of my eight year old's shit filled underwear.
It took 20 minutes to make it to the next exit, at which point I promptly spotted a Burger King and parked. While my wife and the bigger kids got out of the car and let it air out, I was tasked with fetching the backpack with his change of clothes from the trunk and taking him inside.
I don't want to say what I did with his shitty underwear, but let's just say that my methods this afternoon were questionable to say the least. I imagine that some poor, unsuspecting Burger King employee probably smelled the tear inducing stink of a destroyed pair of Fruit of the Looms rolled up in a paper bag and tossed in the trash receptacle by the sink. Along with about 15 shit smeared baby wipes.
I wanted to hurry and get the job over with before someone came in and found us wallowing in a sea of shame and ass wipes, so I hastily tossed everything and washed up as good as I could, then we hauled ass.
TL;DR Believed my son when he swore he didn't have to shit. Got stuck in five mile backup. Kid really had to shit.
CandidCallie: I stopped having accidents when I was 4 and my dad threatened to send me to school wearing a diaper the next time I wet my bed. He described how all my friends would know I was wearing a diaper because of the crinkly sound it made. And how they would make fun of me for not being a big girl and wearing one.
While it was traumatizing, I never wet the bed again and I didn't have to wear a diaper to school.
My mom always made us use the bathroom before she took us out. We had to try to go both 'number 1' and 'number 2.' she would not take, "but I don't have to," for an answer.
If he wants to shit himself, you should put him back in diapers and make him clean up after himself.
thowawaypooperson: We were advised not to put him back in diapers by his OT because of the risk of reinforcing the behavior. He desperately doesn't want to wear diapers, and the mere mention of it brought him to tears when he was about to go into Kindergarten. In fact, school is the one place where he's never crapped his pants.
He can go for days at a time where there's no issue at all, and we don't even know that he's gone to the bathroom until he tells us. Then without any reason, he'll start crapping his pants again.
His best stretch was over a week and a half this past May. Him and his brothers were begging us to go to Busch Gardens. We told him that he'd have to stay home with me while his mom took his brothers because we didn't trust him not to have an accident. He did great ahead of the trip, and all day at the park he had no trouble at all. Then he shit his pants in the parking lot when we were about to leave. The park was closed and people were streaming to their cars, so we had to drive him to the nearest gas station and clean him up.
As far as making him clean himself up, we do that when we can. It's not always possible though, like yesterday or the example that I just gave. It's hard to direct a kid to clean his own mess up when you're in the middle of a semi crisis out in public. Most of the time he does it when we're in the worst possible place for it to happen. Usually when it happens at home, he sits in it until someone smells him or its time to come inside. By that point, we have to run him a bath and make him soak.
The other issue is that he gets really bad rashes when we don't help him clean up.
CandidCallie: If he is doing it at the worst possible moment, it seems more like a psychological problem. If he really has anxiety about using unfamiliar facilities (the whooosh of those high pressure toilets scared me pretty badly when I was little) maybe you can bring a familiar set up with you on trips.
When we would go on family vacations in the van, my dad would put a garbage bag in a five gallon bucket that had a lid. If one of us had an emergency, we used the bucket, the used bag was tied off and everything was kept in the bucket with the lid placed over it. Everything was discarded when we arrived at our destination. We had toilet paper and extra garbage bags.
thowawaypooperson: We've pretty much deducted that it's related to behavioral issues and developmental delays. When he was younger, it was a twice a day issue that we dealt with all the time. Once we got him into OT, it got better, but we obviously have a long way to go. He has more control over the problem than it seems from the outside looking in. He'd never consider messing his pants if he was around friends or at school.
We ruled out the fear of toilets because he has no problem peeing in any toilet anywhere. I've taken him into public bathrooms all over the city and he's never had an issue pissing in one. But when it comes to his BM's, forget it. My wife and I watched this boy go into the bathroom at home and pee in the toilet, then make a beeline for his room when he thought no one was watching him so he could squat next to his bed and shit his britches. Then he just picked up his crayons and went about his business until his mom and I confronted him.
We just don't do family vacations right now. The museum and Busch Gardens was more than enough for this summer. I'd love to take the boys to Disney World, but that would be a nightmare for a lot of reasons. His need to be close to home would make for a hellish trip for all of us. As for a bucket or some sort of portable facility, it would be worth a shot but I couldn't imagine he'd even consider it.
Hell, we take the boys to see their grandparents every other day, and he doesn't even want to use their toilet to crap in. Just a couple of weeks ago we were there for dinner and he whispered in my wife's ear that he had to poop and wanted to leave. We live all of ten minutes away from my folks on a heavy traffic day, so I figured it would be a cinch to get him home in time, then come back for dinner. We made it all the way home in less than five minutes, only to have him drop a deuce in his trousers as soon as we were out of the car.
His big brothers don't help matters for him, either. They'll tease him unmercifully if the wife and I aren't there to put a stop to it, and it crushes his self esteem. When he starts making progress, they'll tease him rather than encourage him, and he gets upset and his behavioral issues start to kick in. Which we suspect leads him to revert back to having accidents. I ground the fucking shit out of those two when I catch them in the act, but I know how frustrated they are at having to live with the problem.
CandidCallie: Has anyone taken him aside privately when your other two boys aren't around and explained to him that they can't tease him about his accidents unless he has them? Does he understand that he can stop their teasing about his accidents if he stops having them?
Is he acting this way to get his brothers in trouble for their reactionary behavior (something he knows they will be punished for) in retaliation for something they have done to him when you weren't around?
I'm the oldest of five children. If one of us got another one in trouble (or was embarrassed/hurt and parents didn't take appropriate action) revenge was had. Each one of us had our own triggers. One of my brothers could set me off by sticking his fingers in my face. If I did something to him and lied my way out of it, he's wait til dad came home and was in the room while I was oblivious, then he'd come over and wiggle his fingers in my face until I smacked him away or otherwise lashed out. Then dad punished me.
Something else, I was unmedicated for ADHD until adulthood. When I was young, I had behavioral problems. My mother and my teacher worked together with star charts. Every day I followed directions and didn't lash out, I would get a gold star. My mom would buy me a small prize (of my choosing) after a complete week of stars. If I wanted a prize that cost more money, I had to behave for a longer period of time. The longest I managed to behave was an entire month for this teddy bear print blanket that she sewed pink satin around the outside of. I was four/five years old. I got neon rainbow shoe laces one week, a pretty goldtone necklace with my first initial for two weeks of good behavior, a pair of sunglasses with matte white and aqua frames which i think was two weeks of good behavior, and lots of sheets of stickers (i loved them.) Is there anything like this (goal oriented) that you could maybe use to bribe him into not soiling himself? My brother with ADD got to have Saturdays out with dad as a reward for his good behavior. (i was so jealous because going out with dad meant fast food and the occasional awesome toy like nerf guns.)
thowawaypooperson: > Has anyone taken him aside privately when your other two boys aren't around and explained to him that they can't tease him about his accidents unless he has them? Does he understand that he can stop their teasing about his accidents if he stops having them?
We talk to him about it all the time. I want to avoid telling him that he's bringing the teasing on himself because it just seems harsh. He thinks that his brothers don't love him, and truth be told, he worships the ground they walk on.
> Is he acting this way to get his brothers in trouble for their reactionary behavior (something he knows they will be punished for) in retaliation for something they have done to him when you weren't around?
I don't think so. His pants messing is a problem he's had since he was 4 years old. They all fight with each other, but the amount of lashing out that he does towards them is minimal at best. He's had a few physical scrapes with the 11 year old over other things (fights over the remote for the tv, time on the lap top, etc.) but for the most part he avoids them.
> Something else, I was unmedicated for ADHD until adulthood. When I was young, I had behavioral problems. My mother and my teacher worked together with star charts. Every day I followed directions and didn't lash out, I would get a gold star. My mom would buy me a small prize (of my choosing) after a complete week of stars. If I wanted a prize that cost more money, I had to behave for a longer period of time. The longest I managed to behave was an entire month for this teddy bear print blanket that she sewed pink satin around the outside of. I was four/five years old. I got neon rainbow shoe laces one week, a pretty goldtone necklace with my first initial for two weeks of good behavior, a pair of sunglasses with matte white and aqua frames which i think was two weeks of good behavior, and lots of sheets of stickers (i loved them.) Is there anything like this (goal oriented) that you could maybe use to bribe him into not soiling himself?
We actually used a rewards system before with no results. When we got him into OT, and we were told that it was counter productive. We still offer some incentives (like the trip to Busch Gardens) but we've learned to be selective. The one thing he eats up is praise from his mom and I for no accidents. If we notice that he's had a day with no problem, we always tell him how proud we are.
CandidCallie: Even if the truth is harsh, sometimes a kid needs to hear it. His brothers aren't going to start accepting him as one of the big boys while he is still pooping his pants like a baby.
I can see how a reward system could be counter-productive. Every child is different. But what about something like a star chart? Every day he doesn't have an accident, he gets praise AND he gets to put a sticker of his choosing on a calendar? If you have a Dollar Tree dollar store nearby, you should be able to get some stickers he will like and a chart or calendar for a dollar each. They usually have Disney stickers, super hero stickers (The Avengers, Batman, Spiderman etc), generic foil stickers, holographic stickers, puffy stickers etc. Or is this the type of reward system that is counter productive?
You seem like an incredibly patient and loving parent. I'm sure one day, when uour son is older, he will appreciate eveything you did for him.
| 8 | 9.625 | |
1375493522 | 1375500475 | null | t5_2to41 | 1 | CuntSnatcheroo: TIFU: By not knowing how to react
I emailed this to my buddy and figured I'd share it with you nice folk to rip on me about my fuck up today :(
So I was just leaving the gym now after obviously working out. I have a nice "pump" going on from lifting upper body and my supplements. As I'm walking out ahead of me a woman who was clearly of Hispanic descent is corralling her young son of about 5 or 6 out. Now as you know I am quite the MILF aficionado and do appreciate a Hispanic woman but several things were different about this time around. They are as follows:
1) Hot pink yoga pants
2) she was asstastic in them
3) blue leopard print top with suspicion of tigglebitties underneath
4) she looked like a lighter skinned Sofia vergara
5) I've never been eye raped so intensely by a mother while she is shepherding her young son
I fucked up by shyly smiling back at her, I was caught so off guard by the eye fucking that I would've ran over to her and gotten her number or something, but I saw the hyper kid and I hesitated. I didn't quite know what to do, and go figure. She parked her fucking car at the other end of where I park mine (5 rows away) so I was trying to not look like a creeper and see where she parked and I thought *maybe* I could drive up and chat with her. Yeah, by the time I got there the car I thought she was in was nowhere in site. Fuck. Guess it's another opportunity missed with a smoldering cougar.
TL;DR I had a smoldering cougar give me the "I want you to be the pound master of my vajmahal" look and I didn't know what to do.
chimera: The slang makes it a bit confusing (for me). Also, Taj Mahal is in India. I don't think it makes as much sense since you say she's clearly Hispanic, and compared her with a Columbian woman.
CuntSnatcheroo: There's no room for your logic here.
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1375503084 | 1375503583 | null | t5_2to41 | -7 | Captain_whackschlong: TIFU by masterbating.
Well a little background, I'm a 16 year old with a craving for lady yummy. Well I whack my sack about 4 times a day. Yeah, I know that's alot.
Anyway, I was watching television and saw this victorious secret commercial and my willy wanted to get a little silly so I got up and went to my room to do the deed. My Internet was down so I couldn't watch my porn videos so I decided to improvise. I took a photo of my sister and her friends at a pool in their bikinis. I thought it was pretty hot, so I unzip my pants and go to work. Here's where I fucked up. I was watching tv with my sister at the time and she was leaving to go to a fair with her friends soon, and plus I forgot to lock the door as I'm whacking it. I was pretty into it by meow and took the blanket off and later there bare ass and everything showing. While in whacking it my sister barges in and asks if I took one of her shirts. ( my parents confuse our laundry often.) she sees everything and runs. I jizz because of the surprise all over the picture and it just gets everywhere. She hopefully never saw the picture and meow she's in her room with her door locked. FUCK MY LIFE.
Swag4lifebro: I once pled my meat to a pic of John c. Reilly. My meat goes soft when I see girls
Captain_whackschlong: My wood is hard for Burger King
| 3 | -2.333333 | |
1375511696 | 1375536856 | null | t5_2to41 | 0 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally calling my ex-girlfriend immediately after a text.
This actually happened a few weeks ago.
We had been broken up for a couple months at that point, hadn't talked to her since that day, but one day she randomly texted me out of the blue just to check up for whatever reason.
My phone is jailbroken, but it's an older iPhone 4 so it lags a bit.
As her text popped up onto screen, I have it set up to where you can reply directly from the pop up, close the box, open the text, or call the person.
Reaching for the "close" option, my finger slipped across the call button and as it did so, my phone's screen froze so I sat there panicking as I hear the dialing but cannot end the call, lock the screen, or turn off my phone.
TheDoc42: BiteSMS?
stillakilla: yup
| 3 | 0 | |
1375508569 | 1375845492 | null | t5_2to41 | 56 | TresDigitus: TA(rcher)FU by cock-blocking.
So I was doing a bit of coding while my girlfriend was playing a game, and I randomly got up to stretch while watching Archer. My girlfriend got up at the same time, and we decided to give each other a hug (aw). I said something about working too hard on my project, and she replied with "I'll show you working too hard" and pulled me to the bed. We start making out and are just getting into it (Archer is on in the background to mask sound). Suddenly, Archer says to Krieger "aaaaand that erection is REALLY inappropriate", RIGHT as my girlfriend reaches down there. We lock eyes, and both just BUST OUT laughing. We decide that Archer has spoken, and go back to what we were doing (that is, after I finish posting this!)
**TLDR;** Cockblocked by Krieger and his inappropriate erections.
Shadoworen117: See.. in my experience, when the heat is being turned up, and somethings on TV, I either 1) Turn the TV off and continue on my journey to funky town, or 2) Ignore the TV and continue on my journey to funky town.
twenafeesh: You don't have the occasional moments when you accidentally tune back into something funny on the TV and can't help but laugh?
Shadoworen117: Nope. Literally everything else is ignored and or terminated for the sake of love making.
| 4 | 14 | |
1375519082 | 1375520401 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU By slamming my dick in the side of my luxury sedan
So, I just bought a new sedan for me and my girlfriend. This is a a 4 door BMW. It is my first nice car so i was extremely excited about it.
I was coming back after picking up some groceries I was getting the bread and butter out and I dropped my phone. I angrily slammed my car door. To my surprise I found out I also got the head of penis caught in the door. I yelled the loudest motherfucker anyone has ever heard. It required 7 stitches to fix.
Chattox: ... why did you have your dick out while bringing in groceries?
SixOneOne: It got caught on my shorts what got caught in the door.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1375521909 | 1375548506 | null | t5_2to41 | 229 | tetrix_: TIFU by going on r/nsfw at work
Went on r/nsfw at work and guess what happens twenty minutes later... all of reddit got blocked. today, i sincerely fucked up. the rest of the day was very bland and uninteresting and i cringe at what next week will be like.
edit: i work a retail job that is going out of business, so its not like i really had anything better to do.
MrSn1ck3rs: http://www.sslunblocker.com
Thank me later.
[deleted]: This is possibly a stupid question, but if I were an employee at a job that blocked a site, and I used a proxy to get around the block... don't you think, A) they'd find out, and then you'd most definitely get fired or B) they'd just block the proxy?
I know responsibility falls to the user, but when I see something is blocked at work... I drag the link to my QR code generator, and take it to my smartphone. I don't do all the browsing up there because it's a small screen, but that's my solution anyway.
moosemoomintoog: Former corporate IT manager here: WE WILL KNOW DO NOT DO THIS IT'S HORRIBLE ADVICE.
EDIT: Meant to reply to /u/MrSn1ck3rs.
MrSn1ck3rs: Acually, it's probably better not to use it. I forgot the IT people at our school are retarded. I mean, they can't set an admin password on their computers. It resulted in alot of mac in our school suddently booting into windows. I wonder who did that.
minasmorath: Uh, I'm failing to draw connections here. How does not setting an Admin password in OSX have anything to do with booting Windows? If you have an install disc, that's what you're booting from. Whatever OS or admin password is or isn't on the machine has nothing to do with it.
MrSn1ck3rs: Apparently you couldn't install anything on it since it had you enter the password. They set the password to admin and we installed bootcamp. That was like 2 years ago though. Sorry if it seemed wierd.
minasmorath: This makes more sense. Bootcamp was the missing piece of information.
MrSn1ck3rs: =/ Sorry about that. =)
| 9 | 25.444444 | |
1375524692 | 1375778268 | null | t5_2to41 | 186 | JaDinklageMorgoone: TIFU by dropping my doritos locos taco...
Tonight started like any other night for an 18 year old boy. A beautiful, brisk summer breeze folliwed by the melodious chirping of a thousand crickets. Pretty blissful right? Well I was hungry, and there wasn't too much to eat in the food department in the fridge. (We're talking some lettuce, maybe some cheese, y'know, the stuff thats left behund on the last legs of the previous grocery trip.) So I went to taco bell and ordered somedoritos locos tacos. I brought them home and sucked 2 of the tacos down into my black hole of a stomach. I was about a 3rd of the way through the final one, when my fingers inexplicibely ceased to function and released my orange dusted treasure to the dirty floor. As I despair to the heavens I hear a rapid PIT PAT PIT PAT as my dog is scurrying to his meal. I try to grab it, but failed miserably as Teddy was gone as soon as he appeared, taco in mouth. Being the fool I am I just think "whatever, he eats dog shit, what harm will a taco cause?" How wrong I was.
Now I should explain that he is essentially MY dog. I feed, walk, bathe, and train him. So, naturally I let him sleep with me. Being a relatively small dog, he likes to sleep above my head on my pillow..... can you see where this is going? Fast forward a few hours. While I am asleep dreaming of..... probably sex, I am awakened by a unique feeling, a warm liquid running down my face. Groggy and sleepy me was royally mindfucked, until the horrific smell of brown disgust saturated my nasal receptors.
"WHAT THE FUCK?!" I squeal. I shoot up out of my bed and look back at it and I see a puddle of molten poo streaking down from my dogs asshole straight to where my head was at. I feel my hair. *anal taco leakage fucking EVERYWHERE*. This was folowed by a usain bolt like sprint to the bathroom, dry heaves are rampant as I strugglw to keep doggy diarrhea from reaching my lips. Shower curtain is violently thrown to the side and shower is on. I take a shower, having to use my hands to pick out chunks of shit that are stuck in my hair, all while holding back vomit. After about 20 minutes I believe I cleaned myself I get out and wallow in my own misery and despair. I slither back to my room, ONLY TO FIND MY FUCKING DOG HAS MOVED HIS SHIT GUMBO FROM MY BED TO ALL THE SURROUNDING AREAS. At this point I have reached my new low. I sat there scrubbing away as teddy sat there with an idiotic grin realizing the living nightmare he just put me through. My room smells awful and I am now sleeping on the couch. He is now in the laundry room for easy cleanup. Today I really fucked up
**TLDR**: doritos locos fell on ground, teddy pounced on it like a ratched slut looking for dick, woke up hours later to find dog diarrhea running down my face, have to take shower and pick out chunks of shit out of my hair, re-enter room, looks like a mudslide swept through my bedroom, clean poo, cry, exile teddy to laundry room, share story on reddit
**EDIT**: the culprit of these atrocities http://imgur.com/rUCCbsO.jpg
Lofaro: Well, on the bright side, you didn't shit yourself.
horses_in_the_sky: Dog diarrhea in my face waking me up sounds way worse than pooping my pants, sorry.
Lofaro: The two aren't mutually exclusive. He still COULD HAVE shit himself. He didn't.
| 4 | 46.5 | |
1375535979 | 1375642613 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,514 | VagabondofFunk: TIFU by accidentally leaking a personal sex tape via LimeWire 7 years ago. [NSFW]
Okay, so it wasn't today, but today is when I found out I'd done it.
Seven years ago, I filmed my then girlfriend and I having sex. We were both 17, and I did it with the same camcorder I'd been using to record our tabletop role-playing sessions, home movies, all the stuff.
Today while fapping I found screen-caps of that video, which I thought I had destroyed over a year ago when she and I had divorced. I panicked and tracked down the submitter, who relayed me to an incest site on which my youthful indiscretion was tagged as "brother and sister". My heart beating the tattoo of the damned in my chest, I followed the rabbit hole deeper thanks to the kind help of the incest board's admin.
I've gotten through three more iterations of primarily incest-based porn to find an extended, unedited version that includes full face shots of friends from high school while I call them by name, a conversation with my little brother, and a high-school film project including scenes of my friends and I dressed up as knights and trolls.
The admin for this final site has requested a formal DSMC request via lawyer before acquiescing to take down the video. At this point it's spread like a cancer and I don't think I can put it back in the box. They did kindly inform me that it was a user-submitted post and that the user claimed they had snagged it off LimeWire, which I had used before realizing how awful it was a few months later. But at some point in that timeline, this guy got video of my teenage self boinking and posted it on an incest site as a brother and sister getting it on.
UPDATE: Thanks to all of you for your advice and support. Also extra thanks to those of you who sent me links to further instances. Apparently, most of the incest community has diddled to me and my "sister" at this point. No point in trying to get rid of it, no point in staying fucked up about it. Ex is pissed, but acknowledges that we can't do much about it now.
FINAL UPDATE: My rather naive hope that there was only an isolated instance of the video has been thoroughly crushed. The silver lining there is that it's been around the whole time and the weirdness of it just appearing isn't really a thing now.
I have a personal relationship with one of the assistant DAs from my home state, who has told me A) There is absolutely no way to remove all, or even a significant number of the instances of the video now that it's out there so...prevalently. B) I would have to track down all the poor bastards in the opening sequence that were underage at the time (all of them), which is a thing I simply cannot bring myself to do. And C) Although it is very unlikely I would be charged with any sort of exploitation or child porn, I would have to work extensively with federal prosecutors/investigators, and that makes me deeply uncomfortable as well.
In the end, my decision is to learn from my mistakes, take greater steps to protect my information security, limit and avoid creating any further media content that could be compromising, and then just moving on with my life, because this is not actually a defining moment, just another stumbling block. I'm skeptical, but one of my good friends has suggested that this could be a particularly good story if I polished it up and put some distance between me and it. We'll see.
NovaNardis: If you guys were 17, it's technically child porn. If you want to pursue it legally to get it taken down, I imagine it wouldn't be that hard. Or even threaten the site admin and tell him its child porn because you could get him arrested for posting the video.
The other shoe is that then you would be guilty of making child porn, but somehow I imagine there's a statute of limitations on that.
edit: Wow one of my highest rated comments is about kiddie porn. That's fun.
Perplexed_Porpoise: Hypothetical; If two twelve-year-old kids filmed each other having sex, and then 8 years later, they post it online. Could they get in trouble for the production and distribution of child porn?
ATyp3: Why the hell were you having sex at 12 years old...?
[deleted]: In my town we had a girl that had twins at age 13... Don't know what happened to her... this was nine years ago. They're starting pretty early now. It's twisted. The porpoise did say hypothetically though.
NoceboHadal: I personally know a girl who had a baby at the age of 14 with her 18yo boyfriend.
aaronrenoawesome: So do I, my mother.
She's 14 years and four days older than I am, my biological father was nineteen at the time.
NoceboHadal: If you don't mind me asking..how did it pan out?
aaronrenoawesome: I don't mind at all, but I don't really think it's all that interesting. :)
I'm twenty-six now, and my mom is forty. She had to quit school when I was born, and I still feel guilty for that, even though she said it wasn't my fault. She eventually went back for a GED and an associates degree, which is more than most teenage mothers in the south can say. I have a twenty-five year old sister and a seventeen (Jesus, it's been that long?) year old "little" brother. Obviously, with such a young mom, I was at least sort of raised by my grandparents, who are in their late 60s/earky 70s now. My uncles lived there, too. It's eerie how alike my oldest uncle, Shane, and I are. I never met my bio-dad, Frank, but from all the stories told by my family, he was liked by everyone, and to those who knew him, I remind them of him. He had a horrible home life and was apparently invited to live with my family after I was conceived, but he panicked, I guess, before I was born, left, and no one in my family's seen him since. Oh, well.
Mom married Dad when I was six, and we moved from New Orleans up to DC, he's my brother's biological father, but he's still my dad. He joined the army and we moved all over, to Hawai'i, and then to Reno, where I still am. They stayed together for about eighteen years, then split very suddenly, infidelity apparently, I didn't pry, it wasn't easy for me to handle myself. It had actually happened about a week or so after my "divorce," I had visited my parents afterward to try to get a hold of my own business, so I was not ready to handle being the adult in the situation. I still remember my brother yelling at them to stop fighting - I lived thousands of miles away, so I hadn't seen them for a few years, but I could tell he'd had to yell like this before. My brother isn't slow, but he's just a touch behind, developmental problems, he just needs a bit more guidance than others I think, simple, but he's not stupid. Anyway, I'm sure he lost his hero that night if he hadn't already, him and dad were super close.
Anyway, nowadays my brother and Dad live in China now, in a city that I can't spell, so I'm going to sound it out, in a city called "Show Zoo," I forget the company he works for, but the company was bought out by Charles River Labs, it's animal research, he's *very* well paid. My mom lives in Arkansas, she's dating again, but I really worry she's kind of... stagnating - she hasn't had a job in couple years, just an allowance from dad, it's complicated. My sister is married and loves an hour or two from mom with her husband and kids, she's happy, but a huge brat as always. Me? Well, I work for an auto parts store, I'm the nigh manager, I hate it. I reeaallyy wish I'd gone to school, and think about going back all the time. I'm poor, badly, my car is fifty years old, and my truck is twenty five. I don't have TV or a computer or home Internet, all this is on my cell. I owe the hospital fifteen hundred dollars because I cut off part of my thumb and I couldn't afford to be insured at the time - $1500 for bandages, lidocaine, a tetanus shot and vicodin, yay American medicine. At night I read by the streetlights through my Window because I honestly worry about being able to pay my power bill. I know there are people with less than I in this world, but still, I wish I'd prepared better for adulthood.
That said, I love my mom, we talk all the time, and I wish all the time she'd live closer to me. Twenty-five hundred miles is too far for me...
**Tl;Dr - Typical American family, right?**
/Overshare
Anything you're still curious on?
EDIT: I was thirteen when I lost my virginity, I think that fits in with the conversation here. I wanted to be married with children throughout my teens and earlier twenties. EVERY ONE of my ex girlfriends are now married with children, and I'm still unmarried, alone and childless. I consider this failure. I wanted the smaller gap between my and my theoretical child's age, and now, at twenty-six, I've basically given up on the thought of having a child. When my mom was twenty-six, I was starting high school. I don't want to be in my forties with high schoolers, which is why I'm sure I'll now never have a child of my own. I definitely think how close I was to my mother in terms of age has shaped this ideal.
small_penis_syndrome: you are 26 and your sister is 25, your mom didnt stop fucking when she already got you? so she was 14 when she got you and she keep fucking without rubber at 15 and got another, wow
and your pop and bro isdoing animal research in china and are well paid? thats no good son
aaronrenoawesome: Your grammar is horrible, and you bring nothing to this conversation.
GrammerNazi_: Your grammer is horrible, and you bring nothing to this conversation.
FTFY
Fixes_GrammerNazi_: >Your __grammar__ is horrible, and you bring nothing to this conversation.
FTFY
aaronrenoawesome: You bots aren't helping!
Fixes_GrammerNazi_: I am a bot. I fix /u/GrammerNazi_ and his accomplices in grammer crime. This is my only response. Now please excuse me, I have work to do.
| 15 | 167.6 | |
1375537924 | 1375577835 | null | t5_2to41 | 124 | squirtgunheadphones: TIFU by breaking both of my wrists
i was hanging out with a girl i have known for a little while and have some serious feelings for. we were shooting baskets at the park behind my house when i decided i should dunk it to show off a little bit. i missed the dunk but grabbed the rim and swung forward. i fell out of control and fell flat on my wrists in a push up position. i fractured both bones in both wrists, may need surgery, and we got to spend our 4th date in the ER. on top of all that, my college swim season starts in 2 weeks.
coveritwithgas: Your college's swim season starts in 2 weeks. Yours starts in 54. Sorry, buddy.
Differently: Came here to say this. You're not going to be ready for swimming, OP. Don't re-injure yourself.
coveritwithgas: I wasn't even talking about re-injury. If the bones are actually broken, as OP says, there will be two casts, and he can't get them wet.
Differently: Now I'm picturing a guy trying to swim with both his arms in white plaster, and I kinda think OP should give it a try.
squirtgunheadphones: thats the plan!
Differently: Get it on video. More karma awaits you.
*Swimming with arm casts, WCGW?*
| 7 | 17.714286 | |
1375550659 | 1375624429 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | Tug_Fugler: TIFU by forgetting to copy my dad's backup folder to a external hard drive
So.
I had my dad weasel all of his files into a folder I made called BACKUP on his desktop. I was then going to copy that to my backup hard drive, format the drives and reinstall windows 7.
However, I had just gotten my Oculus Rift dev kit. Needless to say, I was distracted. Much like an overweight adult-baby in the diaper aisle at Babies R' Us.
I never copied that folder to my external drive. Now Recuva is doing a deep scan to find it. He hasn't gotten back home yet from Home Depot.
Fuck.
EDIT: Spell check. Phone. Yay.
ultrapampers: How do you know there's a diaper **aisle** at Toys"R"Us?
ThePotatoGods12: Thisis redditor is asking the hard questions!
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1375566535 | 1375827827 | null | t5_2to41 | 53 | tunguskanraider: TIFU by punching myself in the face.
Well, I was at work taking out the trash (I work at a Chick-fil-a). I'm in the back struggling to remove the bag from the can. It was so full that the bag had created a vacuum in the can making it difficult to remove. All of a sudden, a hot co-worker comes to get something and rather than look like a little bitch struggling to take out the trash, I pull with all my might and my hand slips off the bag and I sock myself in the face. Great. She giggled and left.
Tl;dr: I lost my grip on a bag of trash while removing it, resulting in me punching myself, all in the presence of a rather attractive girl.
OneTimesMore2003: My daughter was in the clothing store the other and was super excited about an outfit. She whirled around to her mother and somehow slung her arm around and belted herself in the face, bloodying her lip. I laughed so hard LOL!!!
abelcc: *Wahh daddy I hit myself in the lip, it's bleeding and it hurts*
**HAHAHAHAHAHAHA**
OneTimesMore2003: Yep Pretty much how that ended LOL
| 4 | 13.25 | |
1375577965 | 1375715306 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | madspanyard: Tifu by changing my own oil
So for years i thought it would be cool to be able to change my own oil. I finally decided today was the day. Only i didnt drain my oil, i drained my transmission fluid.
Ok back to the store to get more trans fluid and a pump to put it in (weird angle) put it in and removed and replaced the oil filter. Well it was the wrong one. Oil is everywhere. Go get the right pump and more oil, finish up 8 hours after i started, learned a lot
OffissaPup: I'd upvote "I tried to change my own oil" if I could.
I think most auto maintenance/repair, when done for the first time, are best done first with someone who's done it before. Reading instructions just isn't quite the same.
I'm trying to remember the last time I had a car that had a tranny-oil plug. Most of mine just had 37 bolts around the pan that have to be taken off. A huge PITA and messy, but at least you can't accidentally mistake it for the motor oil pan.
madspanyard: Haha, well it did have drain written right next to it, no pan to save my niave soul :)
OffissaPup: I guess the big question is: are you going to try it again? You should. Anyone who's worked on cars has IFU stories. It'll give you creeper-cred with the other mechanics while you're drinking beer and shooting the shit.
I like changing the oil and doing basic maintenance on the car (even though I hate this sort of thing in other areas of life). You bond with the car. You feel like you're doing something to take care of it and extend its life. And if you're underneath it, it gives you a chance to look for other things that may be broken or going to cause trouble down the road. You don't have to be an expert (God knows I'm not) to find the puddle of grease on the axel beneath a torn CV boot, for instance. A friend or friendly mechanic could point out other things you should look for and keep an eye on.
I always encourage people to do the relatively easy stuff themselves if they can.
madspanyard: oh yeah there's no way I wouldn't try it again I'm not the one to run away from something that got the better of me. Im glad for the learning opportunity and actually had a ton of fun doing it.
I felt like I really got to know my truck and I realized little stuff like the underside was much cleaner than I thought it would be. Im excited to try other things as well, this time under experienced supervision maybe
gallonoffuel: There's a lot to be said for watching Youtube before doing anything you've never done before. Someone probably has done it and recorded it and put it online for the world to see. I'd be surprised if you didn't find one for your exact vehicle.
madspanyard: That was my first stop, youtube, then some googlefu to make sure i had the right quantity of oil and the right type. Sadly, and i should have looked at a second one, the man showed everything but the underside of the car. Somehow i thought i had gathered enough information from his video, im thinking about making my own after 3000 more miles
OffissaPup: An early tip-off would have been that motor oil and tranny oil look and smell different, but it's easy to miss. I know people who can look at the spots under a car and tell you what leaked--motor oil, tranny oil/p.s. fluid, or brake fluid. I'm lucky to tell oil from antifreeze (when leaked).
Still, it might be worth your trouble to compare them (both clean and dirty) so you'll know them when you see them under the car.
madspanyard: I agree. I knkw transmission fluid is supposed to be red or pink in color, and it did have a tint to it, but it was more brown than anything at 60k miles, but that was one thing that made me want to double check. When i saw the real oil coming out of the oil filter i compared the two and realized i had indeed f'd up
| 9 | 3.777778 | |
1375588222 | 1375630102 | null | t5_2to41 | 96 | Gaijinloco: TIFU by making my friend miss her international flight home from Japan
I got up on time, but was preoccupied with getting her some photos loaded onto a USB, and wound up leaving for the airport late. She got there half an hour before the flight left, but because she hadn't online checked in, she wasn't allowed on the flight, and had to pay $1600 to rebook the same flight for tomorrow, and is missing a day of work as an assistant to a ophthalmologist. I feel horrible right now, as it may be the biggest fuckup that I've ever made, but it's at someone else's expense, and now she's going to hate me forever.
Edit: It wasn't an international flight she missed, it was the connecting flight (domestic) from a small airport in Japan to Narita. I basically paid her $1800 to get her back, since that was the most important thing.
vanamerongen: Sure, it's a fuck up but I don't think it's all on you... Especially if it's such a long flight, I try to be there 2 hours in advance or something just to be safe. It's her flight in the end.
naryn: At least in British airports you are meant to be there 2 hours early for international flights.
doc2mac: They tell/advise you to be there at least 3 hours in advance in Japan. I would assume they were trying to fly out of Narita.
naryn: woops, I read that as TIFU by making my friend miss her international flight to Japan.
But yeah, 2-3 hours depending on how cautious you are is normal
bubbles_says: until you mentioned it, I too thought she was flying TO Japan.
naryn: It's because they mentioned dollars, so I assumed America
| 7 | 13.714286 | |
1375595345 | 1375683609 | null | t5_2to41 | 597 | ThePotatoGods12: TIFU by going to the shittiest birthday party ever.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a bundle of fuck-ups for your viewing pleasure tonight!
Today was my sisters birthday. For weeks could not, for the life of her, figure out what she wanted for her birthday and finally, she decided to head up to Ruidoso for the day. The drive is about 2 hours, and on the way we stopped at a Wendy's. Lets cut this short and say I should not have had a soda. For whatever reason, sodas make me have liquid shits. So we are still on the road and everything is fine but as soon as we get out in the middle of the mountains, I have to shit, bad. As per usual, I can hold it like an adult.
However, time passes and I decide to climb a hill with my little brother. I get to the top and my stomache isgiving off the pre-shit rumblies.I scramble down the hill and find my mom and tell her I gotta go! However, they are having a good time and she says to go down to the ranger station and see if they have any restrooms. So, I make it there, however, my rectum gives and I yank down my pants and shit. Right in plain sight of the station AND the street! With no other option available, I gather clumps of grass and wipe...as best as I can, hike up my shorts and hightail it outta there hoping to high hell no one saw me.
I return and tell my mom I hadnt found one so she hands me the keys, and I take off in search of a toilet in order to wipe my ass properly and clean my hands. I arrive and having already shit, shit again and find my undies soiled, so I toss them out. This is when I realize my shorts have a rip from balls to butt. FUCK, gotta free ball it, whatevs.
So, for dinner my sister selected IHOP and no problem or rumbles. We start passing through a military reservation aaaaaand the pangs hit, hard. Im trying to hold it and obviously, we can not stop and I get mouthy with my dad (you are not you when you have to shit). As we pull up to the only portapotty in miles, my rectum gives out once more and I barely make it to the toilet.
I am sure I would have had a better time if I did not have to shit the whole time.
Afterthought?: WOW! classic reddit upvoting my poop story, this is awesome. Have a nice day, morning, night, afternoon!
stqpdb: Looks like the "days without someone on TIFU shitting their pants" counter has to be reset to 0 again.
ThePotatoGods12: Your counter has no power here and meh it is debatable whether I shat myself, more like shat on th erangers yard.
neurorgasm: You allowed poop out of your ass against your will. You shit yourself.
Dunkindonuts64: But is that shitting his *pants*?
A7XGlock: He mentioned throwing away his underwear. He shat himself.
Dunkindonuts64: Good point, but not his *pants*
A7XGlock: He wasn't even wearing pants. He mentioned *shorts*. This makes underwear+shorts=pants. He got 1/2 a pants shitting. Gotta know your shitology.
ThePotatoGods12: Yeah I wasnt going to ge t afull wipe ao I hiked them up and residue got on them, so they ar enow garbage.
A7XGlock: Never a good situation. Good call tossing them out.
| 10 | 59.7 | |
1375634764 | 1375673439 | null | t5_2to41 | 82 | sweaterking6: TIFU by swatting at a fat ass fly in my house.
Hey all, here's a short one.
Today one of my brothers came home from college for a visit, and brought a ton of his shit with him. I was recruited to carry all of it in from the car. Several bins of filthy laundry later, I was done. Not only was my brother home, though, there was also another visitor in my house, having entered through the propped open door and I carried in my brother's clothes.
Later that day, sitting in my room, I heard the low drone of what could only be a fly in my bedroom. I immediately spotted it hovering near the floor, just buzzing around my room like a lazy bastard. I jumped up, slammed the door shut, and was determined to smite it like the hand of god before it got away. And I did! But not quite successfully. You know how when you just his a fly it dies? This one didn't, and it was pissed. I slapped it out of the sky, only to be promptly stung by a (rightfully) angry honeybee that had snuck into my house. Now, my hand it swollen, itchy, and there's a bee with a taste for blood loose in my house. TIFU.
luvmyshiner: The good news is bees die after they sting you.
redmayne: And it seems like they come at you in hoards when you kill one of their brethren.
RonaldTheRedditor: because bees and wasps give out signals and smells during death to alert the rest of the hive.
| 4 | 20.5 | |
1375634529 | 1375659694 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | nellapoo: TIFU by leaving a candle burning
So I remembered another fuck up from my youth and this was a good one.
A friend of mine was having a "my mom is away for the weekend" party at her apartment. We were all 15-16 having a good time staying up all night, drinking the tiny bit of alcohol we managed to find/steal. General good times for a teenager trying to be rebellious. Well, it got to be around 4-5am and I had lit a candle because our lighters were going out. We needed something to light our cigarettes after all!
I told the other 2-3 people that were in the room to blow the candle out when they leave the room so that its not unattended. I'm sitting in the other bedroom and I see the other people that had been in the room with the candle and I ask them if they blew it out. I got drunken blank stares so I went into the other room to check.
FLAMES!! BIG FLAMES!! The freaking bed was on fire! There was a section about 1 foot in diameter with 2 foot flames coming off of it. My friend's apartment was ON FIRE. Everyone else was just in shock so I started yelling at everyone to get blankets and water. I smothered the fire, dumped some water on it and it actually went out. OMFG it stank so bad.
We opened the windows and I instructed everyone to take out all the burnt bedding. We put a clean flat sheet on the mattress and flipped it over. This was actually hidden from her mother for about 2-3 years until they moved.
But it didn't end there. I actually got a call when her mom found the hole in the mattress. I was married & pretty much an adult and felt SO ashamed of myself. "Nellapoo, Cindy told me what happened and I'm not happy with you." Oh man... I have never left a candle unattended since...
[deleted]: You were all 15-16 and trying to be rebellious yet you were married and pretty much an adult?
Edit: noticed the 2-3 years thing now, still very young to be married and 'adult,' and weird to be mad at after 2-3 years of noticing nothing..
nellapoo: 2-3 years later I was married and living on my own.
sh4d3: You said you were 15/16 when this happened. 2 to 3 years later they moved out and the mother found out. Then she called you, the married, adult man. I think there's something wrong here because I still don't get it from you response above.
You were married at 17-19 years old and already living on your own?
nellapoo: She called me after a few years. It was really embarrassing be cause she knew my brother really well and I had changed my ways by then.
I got married when I was 17. I could probably post another story about that but will refrain. It was more than just a single bad decision there.
| 5 | 6.8 | |
1375643701 | 1375761545 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | [deleted]: TIFU by losing my first pay-check.
Pretty simple really, I walked home from work late at night and it fell out of my pocket. To make it worse it fell out of my pocket at the end of a huge festival (Caribana) and the garbage vehicules quickly sucked up all the trash in the area before I could look around and find it. Yeah, way to look dumb to my boss by losing my **first** pay-check.
grimnar: What? Is this 1920? I get my pay transferred electronically to my account, since 1997 when I first took a job.
carracerz14: Not every company offered direct deposit. Sure corporations do, but some people work for family business ya know
grimnar: So the family business have the cash on hand then? Not "online"?
carracerz14: Not sure what you're getting at.
[deleted]: The point is there is no reason to not offer it other than still living the past century
carracerz14: All that does is add to the expense that the owner has to pay out of potential revenue, and in this economy every bit of extra money is important. You know what though? Its not that big of a deal. I get my check every two Thursdays and put it in the ATM which is right on my way home.
tastycat: From my experience, EFT fees are less than the ongoing costs of printing and providing cheques, unless the entirety of payroll is done without use of a computer system.
| 8 | 4 | |
1375646997 | 1375811919 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,380 | doomtowns: TIFU exploding a hole into my ceiling with a vacuum-sealed coffee tumbler full of vinegar and baking soda.
So .. I was cleaning the lid of my coffee tumbler with about 3 tablespoons of baking soda and two cups of vinegar. Sealed it up (Contigo vacuum seals and can spray boiling steam out when you first use it), shook it real good for about a minute to loosen up the mold.
[Blew the plastic thread off.](http://imgur.com/a/qgx4K#E9rjoBo)
[The cap exploded into the ceiling. Not sure how, exactly. I was holding it horizontally and shaking it. It flew past my face.](http://imgur.com/a/qgx4K#rk34ted)
[It cracked this glass in the sink after hitting the ceiling.](http://imgur.com/a/qgx4K#EfeuyK2)
[All in all, it did a good job of cleaning the window and ceiling. There used to be a lot of tomato sauce splatters up there.](http://imgur.com/a/qgx4K#vg9c602)
Thinking about Xposting this to /r/Howto. I think almost died today. TIFU.
master_blast3r: you just essentially created a pipebomb, what did you think would happen when you sealed and shook it?
doomtowns: I don't know, fast-acting cleaning as a result of all the bubbles?
[deleted]: You sound way too much like my sister.
Aszuul: If you use bleach and ammonia you get twice the clean!
The-Internets: This kills the person.
Droviin: Eh, only if they breathe it in. The smart money is on the guy holding his breath.
Dewstain: Don't hold your breath for that bet.
| 8 | 172.5 | |
1375636505 | 1375663047 | null | t5_2to41 | 50 | [deleted]: TIFU by looking totally racist
Background: when I was 17, a mental health professional wanted to evaluate me for an autism spectrum disorder. I'm not autistic (and I didn't let him push me to get evaluated, pretty sure he just wanted money), but I *do* fuck up all the time by not remembering people's faces. Not to a super abnormal degree, just probably a bit more often than the average person.
I moved into a new apartment several months ago where two of the three bedrooms were already occupied--the tenants were two women, one white and one black. Let's call them "Alice" and "Tina." (To be clear, I'm a guy. Most of the roommate ads posted in my area specify "female applicants only" because I guess they're not comfortable living with a guy. Understandable? I'm gay, though, so I don't think Alice and Tina minded my moving in. The owner was careful about letting them know beforehand.)
I've been pretty much the only one in the apartment most of the time. Sometimes Alice (white-skinned) would be around, and we'd chat/whatever, so I'm sort of acquainted with her. On the other hand, I'd only seen Tina (black-skinned) twice--once when I moved in, and once when she got home from work one night and I was in the kitchen. (I think that Tina was just always busy with work and family/friends who live nearby).
I saw Tina for the third time yesterday evening, when she was busy moving out, cleaning, etc. There was a strong bleach smell in the apartment, so my boyfriend and I decided to get out and get dinner while it dissipated. On my way past Tina's open bedroom door, I noticed her standing next to the bathroom. I waved and stopped to ask "hey, you didn't accidentally mix bleach and ammonia or anything, right?" (I'm paranoid).
She shrugged and looked confused. And then I said, "oh, heh, okay. Hey, are you moving out today?"
She looked more confused. She tried to figure out what to say, and came out with "Oh, I'm not--I'm her sister." This was Tina's sister. This was not Tina. I thought for a moment. I should have realized--this woman didn't seem familiar to me. I couldn't figure out if she even looked a bit like Tina, because I couldn't remember what Tina looked like. I awkwardly told Tina's sister that I'd only seen Tina a couple of times, but at that point all I wanted to do was get away from the strange mistake I'd just made.
On our way downstairs, we passed Tina. I recognized her. I was friendly as usual and asked if she was leaving, she told me good luck in the future, etc. I said it was nice seeing her those 3 times! And then BF and I left.
I know that the problem isn't that I have trouble distinguishing between non-white people. I can do that just fine. I just didn't have a good memory of what she looked like, to begin with. Hoping they understood that and weren't hurt or offended.
***TL;DR?*** **I mistook a black girl**--***WHO I LIVE WITH***--**for her sister. Felt like something from an unoriginal comedy movie sequel starring, I don't know, Ben Stiller.**
I mean, make a new movie, for chris'sakes.
Mazer_I_Am: Black guy here. It's not racist. It's because you are not black combined with your trouble of remembering faces.
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cross-race_effect
gdfsdfg: Thanks for the reassurances. I didn't *feel* I'd been racist--like, in making my mistake, I didn't apply any racial stereotypes. But in my head, it still sounded like something that Western society at large might consider at least sorta bordering on racist. Like, if I were a TV character and I'd just said that, no one would be surprised if I said something actually racist later in the same episode.
I mean, plenty of stand-up comedians and sitcoms make jokes revolving around a guy of one race seeing some random person of a different race, thinking it's someone they know, going up to them and saying hey, only to find out it's not who they thought it was. Then, later, when the guy's (same-race) friends give him shit for it, he defends himself by saying "well they all look the same!" And everyone groans at his lack of, er, sensitivity? Because it's funnier if he's unwittingly offensive than if he's simply inexperienced, or if the two guys actually DID look alike.
First example that comes to mind is from the show *Weeds* (not my favorite show but I've seen it all at least twice). Doug Wilson does something like that. He sees Nancy's halfway house counselor, Ed, and calls him Marvin, asking, "are you still selling weed with Nancy?" And Doug's totally fucking racist in most episodes of that show.
| 3 | 16.666667 | |
1375655912 | 1376077870 | null | t5_2to41 | 284 | i_wotsisname: TIFU by sneezing mid-piss.
It's pretty straightforward really.
5am, I'm standing in front of the throne half asleep, balancing on my heels because the tiles are cold as fuck. I'm just relaxing into the relief of a nice long, early morning piss when the most horrendous and unexpected sneeze rocks me off balance, sending piss in every direction and putting me on my ass.
Now I'm hobbling everywhere because of my bruised ass cheek and the bathroom needs hosing. Though, at least I was already going to have a shower, so I guess there's that.
[deleted]: DAE start pissing in the morning when you are really sleepy but then you realize you never pulled down your boxers or briefs? So you are standing there pissing your pants in front of the toilet?
lfrizz: As a female I have sat down on the toilet with the lid down and pissed... Similar mess.
i_wotsisname: Haha damn, that'd suck. I dread the day I sit and shit with the lid down. If the current pattern is to continue, it'll either be drunk at a party or hungover the next day. Possibly in the shower.
lfrizz: I've passed out on the toilet and been woken by my friend's little brother the next morning... That was classy. Pullin' an Elvis
| 5 | 56.8 | |
1375669911 | 1375883087 | null | t5_2to41 | 46 | CLDBL00DED: TIFU by not properly anchoring a boat
Well, here's the story.
My father, aunt, and I decided to go for a boat ride to a local oceanside restaurant. It's one of those restaurants where you tie your boat up to a mooring, and a launch boat picks you up and takes you to the restaurant.
Well today, there were no moorings available, so we had to drop anchor. We(I) dropped anchor behind all of the moored boats for courtesy, and were picked up to the launch. As we get onto the pier, I look at the boats and say to my father "Hey, didn't we anchor the boat over there?" The boat didn't seem to be moving, so we assumed everything was fine. In the middle of ordering lunch, my father looks over towards the water, and sees a boat pretty far offshore. Jokingly, he says "Hey, look, there's our boat." He gets up, goes to the railing, looks closer, and shouts "OH SHIT!" I stood there, staring at the boat, unsure if it was ours. My aunt said that it wasn't, but I wanted to double check. So I sprinted as fast as possible back to the pier.
It was
Back on the dock, my father was screaming at the kid on the launch boat picking up some people, to hurry up and that our boat was drifting away. He took us back to the boat, we brought it back and docked it instead. (Mind you, the time between running to the pier and actually getting the boat back was about an hour, so by then, my aunt was having a nervous breakdown, seeing as we just left her there alone while we had to recapture our mighty vessel.) (Also, the area was loaded with other boats and had several stone walls. Surprisingly, the boat was untouched.)
After getting back and ordering lunch, we all had a good laugh about it.
I don't think it was purely my fault, I think the anchor just didn't catch right.
Needless to say, it was a very stressful day, and the food was pretty good.
Edit 1: **TL;DR: Anchored a boat, floated away, had nervous breakdown while trying to get it back.**
Edit 2: [I drew it](http://i.imgur.com/VsILofD.jpg)
Mrwoofwoof: All is well that ends well. Could have happened to anyone really. I have a bow anchor and a stern anchor for my little runabout. I rarely use both though as the boat won't swing in the current predictably.
CLDBL00DED: A friend of my dad's was at the restaurant with us. He's been boating for nearly 40 years, and something similar had recently happened to him, except for the fact that his boat hit slammed into someone else's
[deleted]: a hit slam.
| 4 | 11.5 | |
1375672577 | 1375712088 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: tonight I fucked up by cutting through the hedge
so I go outside at about 11 and smoke up a j around the block, I'm done, I've been done for like 5 minutes and I'm just chillin walking around the block and now I'm about 5/8 around the block fuck how many times I've said around the block and my brain thinks why don't you cut throughol the hedges? sure so I do but I've never done this before and I thought why why not walk the rest it's really not much but I decided to cut through the giant bushes anyways onto the neighbors lawn so I'm walking and **Oooooh a kitty! why does it have it's tail up like that** OH MY FUCKONG GOD IT'S A SKUNK FUCKING RUN FUCKING RUN FUCKING RUN too late I smell like fuck I've never smelt an actual skunk, I kept smelling myself over and over I'm convinced it shot but I can't tell but of course it did I'm.trying to tell my self it didn't. I accept what just happebed, fuck why didn't I walk the rest of the block this fucking sucks what am I gonna do I think of skunk. welp I guess I should get naked so boom done. well in my underwear. all this is happening in the middle of the road but I do not give a fucking fuck this is just unbelievable and for some reason I just kept smelling my clothes as if to make sure it *was* *indeed* skunksquirt. now I get completely naked and rub in the grass. to rid the smell on my body if there is one it's like my nose is fucking broken I can't smellwell maybe I was just smelling hedges the whole time but no it's most surely skunksquirt, well a mix of the two. **and I'm stoned** this is just actually fucking unbelievable. I'm not pissed I'm just stunned, and well I'm kind of pissed but just because I left all my clothes outside, i cant take a shower tonight, I'll have to say I got sprayed by a skunk, I'll have to tell them, I don't know how strong the smell is, I dont know how easy itll go and I keep trying to smell my hair :( but I can't^:( and neither of my bros are here to help me they're both gone out
CandidCallie: Why can't you shower tonight?
mrfourtwenty: because it will wake my parents up it was about midnight
CandidCallie: I really hope it missed you.
| 4 | 1 | |
1375678604 | 1375681298 | null | t5_2to41 | -7 | tehlostrogue: TIFU by cutting my hair
Well, tomorrow is senior portrait day and today my parents forced me to get my hair cut. So since I didn't have time to go to the barbers my dad cut it (as he has for most of my life cause before last year i liked it short) although I asked for it to be trimmed he kept cutting. Well now I look like a fifth grade white nerdy kid. Before I had long hair about 8 inches. The woman loved my hair, in fact everyone did.
To top it off my mom wants me to keep it like this and wear a suitcoat and tie. There are two things wrong with that though. 1. I'm not leaving my house until I fix my hair 2. I'm not wearing a suit il wear a nice shirt but not a suit and tie. I already look Like shit as is I'm not topping it off with a suit. I guess the thing that pisses me off the most is the ladies loved my hair, and my dad knew that.
There won't be any pics because tomorrow im just having him make it look better before he leaves for work, and if he leaves before I'm up then I'm cutting it myself. But I won't be on reedit before that.
Now it's time to grow this mane out again.
thefakealex: I shit you not, as I was typing this rely I looked down at my hands and said "WoW my hands are so dirty" ............ so I just got back from washing my hands.
I did not read your TIFU because it bored me. Just wanted to share that with you.
tehlostrogue: It's ok I'm not that great of a story teller.
thefakealex: Well to be fair, my hands were really dirty.
tehlostrogue: Been there. xD
thefakealex: My Return key is kinda Sticky!!
tehlostrogue: Use a sock next time.
thefakealex: AAAAHHHH, thanks for the advice!! (so before or after?)
| 8 | -0.875 | |
1375677486 | 1375699729 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | DrBurst: TIFU by organizing a guest speaker, making the professor lose confidence in the speaker because I self-deprecated, then making the guest pissed that her time was cut in half.
Now I have to cancel. I suck and this is why I shouldn't talk to people or extend my neck.
[deleted]: Care to explain?
DrBurst: I saw that the author of a book I found lives in my city. I'm very unconfident, so I got the professor to agree to the talk but he lost confidence in it as time went on because I hadn't finished reading the book and couldn't answer his questions. Leading to this fuck up.
[deleted]: you have the best name.
| 4 | 2 | |
1375673923 | 1376071722 | null | t5_2to41 | 83 | DiabeticGypsy: TIFU by trying to piss in the sink.
I was out at a party last night and was supposed to be home by 12. That however was not the case and i ended up stumbling into my house at about 1:30. Luckily my parents were sound asleep, now came the challenge of preparing for bed without waking them. I began brushing my teeth and then had the urge to pee. In my intoxicated state i thought it would be fine if I pissed in the sink, there would be no noise from flushing/splashing and I could continue to brush my teeth with ease. So I released my serpent from it's prison and started the golden stream. It felt so good that I closed my eyes and stopped paying attention. I then felt warm liquid on my leg and realized I had in fact been missing the sink. There was a gigantic puddle puddle of piss around my feet and on the countertop. Cleaning it was quite the task but i pulled through without waking my parents.
TL;DR Piss on the floor and countertop.
onethreefour: Are you not allowed to use your toilet at night?
DiabeticGypsy: I am but I didn't want the sound of the flushing to wake them up.
Marine08902: You do realize you could have just said you woke up and had to pee right?
DiabeticGypsy: I do now but at the time I was drunk and the sink seemed like the better option.
marttttt: Drunk logic is the best logic, man. ;)
| 6 | 13.833333 | |
1375701976 | 1375720040 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | throwawaymate213: TIFU by blowing my chances with an awesome girl.
Ok. So I just came back from my second date with her. I took her out to a museum which she seemed to enjoy a lot. Then afterwards, I took her out to a picnic with some wraps, fruit salad, red velvet cupcakes, and some fancy berry lemondade (went a little fancy). We sat and talked for about 3 hours. During the conversation, she asked if I ever though about modeling (I'm 6'3 and look like a bodybuilder). I said no but I thought about it. Then she commented something else about my appearence. I then said that she should go out, and that she would be pretty enough. She took that well. Anyways, the date continued. We walked back to out vehicles. And I packed my stuff and gave her a hug goodbye. As I was driving out, she exited her vehicle again, so I exited mine. She handed me a drink of some kind and told me that I had to try it. Anyways, she started to walk away, then I did something completely idiodic and stupid. I asked in a very awkward way if I could kiss her. She kinda paused for a second or so and replied something like "well, I don't really kiss guys who I'm not with".
I sent her an apology text message saying "I want to apologize about asking you for a kiss before we left. I feel bad about making things awkward. I didn't mean to make things awkward for you. I asked because I didn't want to just "go for it" and infringe on your boundaries, because I respect you. I like you and think your really cool. I hope we're still cool"
She replied: "eah that made things a little awkward when you asked for a kiss, especially since we pretty much just met each other, but I definitely appreciate you asking instead of just going for it. And since we're on this subject, I should make it clear that I'm not looking for a relationship... I actually just got out of a really long one, and I'm not planning on pursuing that anytime soon. But yeah we're still cool, and yes I did have a great time today"
The mood went from. "Yeah, I'm not sure if I'm doing anything on my birthday. But if I'm not, lets do something together" or "can you walk me back to my car?" to "I should make it clear that I'm not looking for a relationship...".
I've been banging my head against the wall for some time now and I haven't been able to sleep.
HydrofoilGoat: You didn't blow your chances, she was honest with you
throwawaymate213: What I don't understand is why did she allow for a second date if she wasn't ready for a relationship? I paid for her tea on the first date. I would assume that would be a sign of gesture that I'm interested in her. If that was the case, wouldn't that be leading me on?
Thaliur: What you saw as a date, she probably saw as a friendly invitation. It can happen.
[deleted]: Indeed. However, OP, it's not too late.
Just be her friend and support her. Being her friend and getting to hang out with her can be just as fun as dating her. You guys can go do things together and not be dating. If it's meant to be it will. Just let things happen. I've been in your shoes before.
Thaliur: Exactly. Sometimes, not actually trying is the easiest way.
And I am quite certain that relationships developed from friendships are much more stable.
| 6 | 2.833333 | |
1375707844 | 1375716632 | null | t5_2to41 | 48 | potato_dreams: TIFU by ruining my favorite panties...
... and my reputation, probably.
I guess it's technically "last Friday night IFU" but whatever.
I didn't want to share this story with anyone at first but now I just feel like I need to get it out of my head. Also, this is my first post, English is my 2nd language so I might mess up and I made a throwaway for this.
Be kind, please correct any mistakes or loopholes and such (I'm bad with logic) and there's a TL:DR at the end.
But yeah, here goes my story:
So, I just got my first *real* boyfriend a little over a week ago- the relationship itself started a little TIFUesque (* at the bottom for anyone who cares about that) but I'm pretty happy with him and was excited all week because I got to see him a lot at the lake where everyone goes to hang out and swim and sometimes at some of our mutual friends' places where people just hang out and get drunk.
So I didn't have any plans for last Friday night and my boyfriend came up with the idea to invite me to a little birthday party at his friends' house even though I didn't know his friend because he wanted me to be there. Thinking that that's better than doing nothing, I told him I'd go, rode my bike to his house and from there on, another friend of his' dad picked us up and drove us to the guy's house.
Everything went great even though I was the only girl at the party and only knew everyone (including my boyfriend) for about 2 weeks. We listened to music, talked and drank some beer and everything was awesome (except for the one time my boyfriend called me his ex's name which made me cringe; he felt bad and everyone gave him shit about it thankfully but yeah, that doesn't have to happen again and if I were really in love with him and hadn't been drunk, that would've hurt).
At about 4am everyone else had left (including the guy whose dad took us to the party) and I had abandoned my resolution not to drink alot because I just can't handle alcohol but it tastes so good...
So yes, I was drunk and there were 4 of us left: The host of the party, a good friend of my boyfriend that I know pretty well by now and my boyfriend and I. We were just talking, playing on the piano and listening to music as quietly as possible (which is not very quiet if you're drunk) but after a while the one friend passed out on a couch way too small for him.
So the host grabbed some blankets and stuff and made himself a "bed" on his living room floor for the night, leaving my boyfriend and I a pretty huge couch.
Being the horny 16 year- olds we are (and also me being drunk), we started making out in the dark and things got pretty hot. I fell asleep topless and woke up some time when the sun was already up to put my bra and shirt back on, only to fall asleep until 11.45 am. So yes, two of my boyfriend's friends and the host's mom probably saw my boobs, after 16 years of no strangers seeing them. Cool beans.
My first thought when my boyfriend told me what time it was was *oh shit*. I should have been home by 11am and had already pissed my parents off once that week by staying way too long at someone's house without telling them.
Oh well, we got up and I was still kind of sleepy so I didn't really care and just texted my mom I'd try to make it home as soon as possible.
Maybe this is some kind of karma thing and a punishment for making my mom worry about me but right before I got up I felt blood trickling down in my panties. *Oh shit* again, but it didn't feel bad so I stayed with the guys who ate cold pizza from the night before, peanuts and some kind of candy for "breakfast". I tried to wait awhile to not make it seem like I was going to the bathroom because of my period and walked out of the room when I hoped no one would see my ass since I thought there might be a tiny spot on my pants.
Right where the bathroom was, the host's granny stood and looked at his dog for whatever reason. The nice person I am, I started small talk about what a good dog he was and how he didn't look his age and who I was since she'd never met me, blah blah. I finally just smiled and stood there awkwardly so I went into the bathroom.
Oh, the horror when I saw my shorts.
There was only a tiny mirror really high up so I couldn't see anything but a part of my face but when I took off my shorts there was blood *everywhere*. There was a huge blood stain on the back of my pants, about halfway up the whole shorts and even in the front. I even had some blood on my thighs It kind of looked like I'd crapped my pants, just that it was blood.
My legs started shaking, I felt nauseous and I didn't know what the fuck to do, so I just grabbed toilet paper, wet it and wiped away the blood on my legs. Since I didn't have anything at all with me except for my cell phone, I couldn't really hide my shorts with anything or change or put on perfume or something to make my situation a little better. So, I just tried washing the shorts in the sink as well, leaving them kind of wet and still with those yellow- ish, gross stains that ladies probably know from that one pair of panties that got ruined when they didn't know they were on their period.
Then, I pulled down my strapless shirt and the tank I wore on top of it so you couldn't see the shorts but oh my God, was I nervous and I felt so gross.
I'd even seen that I'd be on my period soon the night before so what I did was to put a tampon in just in case (usually that's enough for me). There was no trash can or anything in the bathroom so I couldn't put it anywhere. I just stuffed a little toilet paper in my panties and hoped that'd be enough for the little time I had to spend at that guy's house.
When I came out of the bathroom, seemingly ages later and probably with a look of terror on my face, my boyfriend sat on the steps across from the bathroom and talked to me as if everything was normal.
But from seeing my shorts, I knew that everyone had to have seen the disaster that's been going on down there when I walked to the bathroom, and I was kind of disturbed. He still didn't mention anything, as did the other guys, which made me kind of glad but I felt like shit anyways.
So, I told you the guy we got a ride from left the night before, right?
Well, he was supposed to give us a ride back to my boyfriend's place so that we could go home, and my bike still stood there. It wasn't even secured with a lock, so I didn't even know if it was still there.
My mom got really mad at me when I still wasn't home at 1 pm, which was supposed to be the time we ate lunch since we were the only ones home that day, and called me. I asked her if she could pick me up and she got really mad because she had no idea where I was and it would take her about half an hour to get there.
In the meantime, we just sat at the host's family's kitchen table and the guys ate breakfast (you can imagine how appealing food seems to someone in my situation- about as yummy as being served dog shit in a bowl) and they decided to play a stupid little dice game, but I was glad because that meant I didn't have to get up and stuff.
My boyfriend noticed something was wrong with me and tried to get me to smile, and I honestly tried but I felt so terrible at the same time that it didn't end up looking convincing, I guess.
Finally, he saw my mom's car drive around outside so I went and ran to her. She drove me, my boyfriend and his friend to the place where my bike was, leaving them to walk home and me to ride my bike home since it didn't fit in the car.
Well, I finally rode my bike home and hated every second of it. My belly hurt and I felt so miserable, I needed some water or anything like that and I had to pee. Oh, and remember that tampon? Well, I could remember it pretty well and in my mind, I was already sure that I had toxic shock syndrome, recalling every horror story I had heard about it.
FYI, the way I take home from my boyfriend's house takes me 25- 30 minutes usually and most of it is driving on a highway where there's no space for bikes and tons of fast cars. That day, it was about 30 degrees Celsius. So, it wasn't fun. At all.
So when I got home finally, I was ready to break down and cry. Instead, I said hi to my mom, got told that she had 2 options for me to pick from as a punishment and that I should eat something first and then talk to her.
So I put my bike where it belongs, took out my tampon (sorry for the gross- ness here), literally sat in the bath tub and let water run over me before I showered properly.
Then, I tried to save my favorite pair of shorts and panties by washing them but I had no real hope for my panties (They're so awesome, they're from 'Murica and I love them).
I downed a whole bottle of water and ate pasta without any sauce because I was hungry, but didn't really like the taste of anything anyways.
My mom told me I could either not go out for a week or clean our windows as a punishment, and that she'd talked to my dad already and she was really nice about everything since she knew I was sorry by then and I usually am a really good kid. So that was alright, and then I told her a little why I was so upset when I came home.
Well, I talked to my boyfriend on facebook because that's just what broke people do instead of texting and last night at about 12 or 1 am he decides to fuck with my brain.
So, we're just talking about stupid stuff like any stupid teenage couple and about Tuesday, when we're going to hang out again, and about this was our conversation:
Him: *to be honest, we should totally repeat nights like last night*
I was tired so I just replied that I totally agree and he told me that he just didn't understand one thing. Of course I asked him what because, you know, if you tell me something like that I assume that you want me to ask so you can tell me the whole story. By this point I was already thinking about the panty- disaster again and pretty nervous.
So that little jerk tells me that he'd rather tell me in person in 2 days because he thinks it's crappy of him to write it in a message. This is pretty much equivalent of the phrase "We have to talk"- you know you fucked up but you can't figure out why and hate the other person for not telling you.
So I have no idea what he wants to talk about then. Well, if it's the "incident" with my period and stuff then I'm just going to tell him the truth, maybe leave out the ~~gory~~ bloody details.
(* So here's the stupid TIFU story of how I met my boyfriend for anyone who cares about that stuff: I switched schools recently, and I don't know if it's my newly won social awesomeness or the awesome people in my new class, but I made friends really quickly, especially with one girl.
That girl is friends with my (now-)boyfriend's best friend, whose birthday was about 2 weeks ago. So, I got invited to his party.
Now, I'm the legal drinking age but I wasn't in the country for my birthday so it was the first time that I had access to alcohol since I'd turned 16 and it was amazing.
I didn't really know anyone except for the one girl I was friends with, so I just kind of hung out with her and the other girls there, and later, when she was trying to talk to a crush and I was completely drunk, I just kind of stepped into a circle of guys I'd never met with my friend's best friend. He was drunk, too, but would get really mad if someone told him so, and some guy always took away our drinks, saying that he didn't want us to puke.
We both got really mad and the host of the party told us to sit down on the steps in front of his house and sober up for 15 minutes, so there we were and with us, the guy who took away our drinks, my best friend's ex, a friend of his and my best friend's best friend (the one who "wasn't drunk at all". Yeah, right.)
My best friend's ex and I started talking since we'd gone to the same music festival and I don't know how it happened, but at some point I was strolling through the dark village, hand in hand with my best friend's ex and his friend.
Well, to make a long story even longer, at the end of the night my best friend's ex and I were sleeping on a couch together but we slept for like, 2 hours or so and the rest of the night we made out or just cuddled and talked nonsense. It was pretty awesome until I woke up and found myself next to him, my best friend's ex. Well, my best friend kissed the guy she was talking to and she said she was finally over her ex and thought that I'd be perfect for him.
So, in the next week, we kept seeing each other and he asked me to be his girlfriend after that and now we're in this relationship. it's been a pretty awesome week except that I always feel like he's trying to push my face away with his face when we're kissing and that he told me he loved me like 8 days after we even knew each other and at a point when I was drunk but he's a nice guy and I think I'm falling in love with him, as much as a teenager can.)
**TL:DR:** I stayed at a guy's house with my boyfriend, had a pretty awesome time. When I woke up, I found a huuuuge blood stain on my shorts and tried to fix it. Got home really late, Mom was pissed at first. Now boyfriend wants to talk to me about something and won't tell me why. Also, I can't handle alcohol.
**EDIT** He couldn't wait any longer and texted me his question. It wasn't about the incident at all. I guess we'll just stay silent about that which is totally fine with me.
CandidCallie: If your shorts were that bad when you stood up, chances are, you bled on whatever else you sat on or were lying down on.
potato_dreams: I know! I didn't check but I was so scared that I ruined their couch or something. I'm embarassed now.
CandidCallie: I'm really sorry. I've had it happen to me before. I started using a tampon and a pad at the same time to prevent it as much as possible.
potato_dreams: Yeah, I should have done that. I guess everyone has their own awkward period story? But I feel like mine is pretty bad.
CandidCallie: I think everyone does.
If you have a next time, check the upholstery. If you are too mortified to offer to clean it, just get what you can off and flip it. I had someone do that to my couch before I realized the covers came off and were washable.
| 6 | 8 | |
1375722581 | 1375724384 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | lilEndian: TIFU by shitting all over my bedroom and putting it in a bottle
Before anything, an album of pictures: http://imgur.com/a/mX5iQ
Here is how all of this came about. The time was last night, and I was thinking "You know what would be cool? I should shit on my floor and play with it.". It wouldn't have been the first time I've done this, and last night will not be the last. So I set up my station with a towel, washcloth, bottle of water, bar of soap, light, camera, and 3 socks. I started to shit on my floor, and at first it went very well. Solid nuggets of shit began to land on the towel. And then, undigested spinachy shit started pouring out, with an incredibly loose and foul-smelling texture and smell. I couldn't bring myself to do anything but just immediately clean up.
Here is where the fuck-up happened. Usually I am more well prepared, but this time I forgot the most important part: disposal. So I grabbed a "Simply Cranberry cocktail" bottle (which are really fucking good, by the way) and put the shit in there. I used the washcloth and a bar of soap to get everything off of me, because it was all over my legs and feet at this point. With a lot of trouble, and some lubrication from the soap and water, I got the washcloth to fit in the bottle too. I squished a lot of air out, and put the lid on tight.
Then, I took electrical tape and sealed off the perimeter of the cap. I also taped from the cap around the bottle, because I won't be able to throw away this fuck-up until Wednesday, meaning this will probably explode sewage everywhere before I can handle it.
About the towel I shit on... That's in an old destroyed bookback I plan to use to throw away this bottle of shit and the towel. The washcloth, socks, and all the other equipment is fully salvageable.
So, Reddit, Today I Fucked Up by not being prepared to shit on my floor.
InMyHole: This belongs in WTF.
I_Can_Haz_Brainz: Perfect username, but this belongs on a whole different site.
| 3 | 2 | |
1375726708 | 1375745404 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by starting to shave my legs.
I tried to shave my legs today because I cd, and I haven't finished. I did one leg up to about an inch below the knee and it was pretty easy, aside from the back of the leg and those spots. For some reason it's harder the further up I go and I really don't feel like doing the other leg. Problem is, I go to the gym and wear shorts, so now I have one half-assed shaved leg.
specialK4: harder as in you are too lazy to just finish shaving your legs?
[deleted]: Like the razor doesn't cut as much hair as easily as it did lower. Brand new blade, rinsed off too
specialK4: that's...odd. What kind of razor do you use? Also it might just be because it's your first time so you might have to do it once more to get better results or it could just be the type of razor you are using. Some just don't work that well. I found I like men's razors over women's. I use Gillette and it works great.
[deleted]: I was using a DE razor with Astro blades. I then tried an electric gillette.
| 5 | 1 | |
1375730800 | 1375759212 | null | t5_2to41 | 262 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting my face covered in nettle stings
So I have an older car. The bolts holding the plastic cover that protects the bottom of the engine have gotten a bit stripped, and my mechanic just MacGyver's it on with zip ties. The other weekend we were a few hours from home when it gave way and it ended up scraping on the ground so I Double-MacGyvered it by crawling under the car and tying it on with a spare shoe-lace.
We parked along a country lane and some grass and weeds were under the car that snagged the shoe-lace and pulled it off last weekend. So... it was scraping again today and when I got home I grabbed a zip tie and went to fix it properly (by which I mean repeating the mechanic level MacGyver). I dont have anywhere to put the car up properly so I drove it onto a kerb and squeeeeeeezed underneath (cursing those low profile tyres). It was a really tight fit and I had to really wriggle underneath and my arms and face ended up pushed hard against the underside of the car.
Unbeknownst to me, the weeds at the side of the road where I'd parked obviously contained a very high amount of nettles because when I finished and pulled my dirty, mildly abraded scraped up self from under the car my silent internal celebration of fixing the problem was immediately halted by the realisation that everywhere that had made contact with the underside of the car, from the inside of my arms to one entire side of my face was now on fire.
Not actually on fire - but rather the fire that comes from thousands of stinging nettle hairs full of formic acid which made my face resemble that of a road cyclist with a critical case of facial road rash. It was hours and several washes before the prickly stinging pain and redness diminished.
TL:DR TIFU by abrading my face with stinging nettles
amygdala23: Cider vinegar helps lessen the sting and makes it not last so long. But then you'll stink like vinegar.
TheSilverCenturion: Is there anything that cider vinegar can't do? Almost all of the homemade cures I've seen involve cider vinegar.
le_mous: Be a base!
TheSilverCenturion: Aaaaahh I get it.... Cause science and stuff.
le_mous: Aww yissss!
| 6 | 43.666667 | |
1375723951 | 1375735681 | null | t5_2to41 | 90 | InMyHole: TIFU - Thought His Mom Was His Dad
Today I visited my cousin's husband's childhood home where his elderly mother still lives. I've only gotten to know him recently and think he is a great man. His mother was very nice and invited me into the house to have breakfast. I didn't get a good look at her face as I went into the house.
While sitting in the kitchen, I was looking at all the decor and saw an old-looking portrait photograph on top of a shelf. My cousin's husband was eating with me and I knew his father had died when he was only a child. I asked him if that's a picture of his father there and he took a few seconds to respond. He said, "No, that's a picture of my mother."
KageG213: What did the picture look like?
InMyHole: It was an older person that looked rather androgynous (to me). From about 10 feet away, I thought the person had a shaved head but looking at it close up, her hair was just pulled back. Also, her feminine outfit was slightly obscured by something laying in front of the picture frame. It blocked just enough of the picture from my angle that I couldn't tell it was a dress.
KageG213: Ah, so it was really just a shitty photo that was probably 50+ years old. Don't feel too bad about yourself.
| 4 | 22.5 | |
1375729640 | 1375736765 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | Throwaway8513: TIFU by sleeping with my GF's best friend
The basics:
I'm in a relationship. It's semi-serious, still measuring in months rather than years though.
My girlfriend, now to be referred to as GF, is out of town for a few weeks. She is NOT the forgiving type.
We have a mutual friend, the GF's best friend actually. Her and her boyfriend of 2 years or so just broke up.
Ok, the scenario:
She comes over a few days after the break up to take her mind off of it. I hang out with her, we have fun, eventually, we wind up on the couch together. As the night progresses we end up sleeping together. Over the last few days we've been pretty much inseparable. I find her to be an even better match than the GF.
Just to be clear, I recognize this was NOT a good move.
Regardless, here I am. So, Reddit. What are my options?
TL;DR I slept with my GF's best friend.
dobtoronto: Still no comments? Okay, I'll bite.
Keep hanging out with your new partner. Make a plan with her that is based on honesty and that ends with you guys becoming a couple.
Once your new girl has agreed to tell GF that you have betrayed her, you should be the one to tell her. This isn't an attack on GF, just a disrespectful betrayal of her by her boyfriend and best friend. Of course it sounds bad, but it really isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things.
I honestly don't think you should feel very guilty, just a little guilty and a little ashamed. The important thing is to be honest and to find out exactly how new girl feels. Does she want to save her friendship with GF? My advice is that she should end the friendship as well. GF will be happier finding a new close circle that she can trust, and you and new girl can be happy together as well.
Don't withhold the truth, don't sweat, don't beat yourself up too much.
Good luck.
Throwaway8513: Remarkably helpful, thank you.
The only concern with that, is they're very close friends and I'm pretty sure the new girl wouldn't be willing to forsake her current friendship with the current GF. I think I need to sit down and talk it out with her though and see what she wants and come up with a plan.
dobtoronto: Yeah you're exactly right. Lying/withholding the truth isn't the right way to live your life. If GF and new girl want to blame you and ostracize you and remain friends with each other, they would be deceiving themselves. Still, that's a possibility.
There is no need for a discussion of who is guiltier, you or new girl. You both did the exact same thing. It's natural.
Good luck with your plan! Don't get bogged down in too much deception and drama.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1375734653 | 1375758807 | null | t5_2to41 | 298 | Bason-Jateman: TIFU By resubmitting an order to sell my stock when the website was having major issues.
Logged in to my trading account through a major online trade company and sold 10,000 shares of stock. I received an error message that I've never seen (database not working etc).
I checked my recent orders and nothing showed up and I still owned all the stock. So I tried to resubmit the order again.
I repeated this process a few more times with no success and eventually gave up.
Just logged into my account this afternoon and now I own -50,000 shares at -$131,000...
And while I have $160,000 in cash in my account, the stock ended up going higher after I sold it so according to them I've lost $3,500...
Called the company, sat on hold for 45 minutes and all they can say is "Oh, wow, we have to look into this. We will call you back soon."
I guess all I can do now is wait.
**EDIT** It's now 3 hours later and I still haven't heard back from them. In addition, my account still shows the $160,000 in cash available. It's really too bad the stock didn't just tank after I sold it, as I would have made out like a bandit.
frumactuary: How can this happen when you need to select either "sell" or "sell short"?
Bason-Jateman: Yea, I know. I asked their customer service how I could sell shares I don't have and the guy said "You should not have been able to do that."
Yet, I could tell by the way he talked that they did not have any idea what to do about this.
who8877: You are in the clear here, if they try and jerk you around make it clear you'll be talking to a lawyer. Bonus points if you never had short selling authorization added to the account. The SEC has been getting a lot tougher on compliance issues.
the_hmm: I'm sure a lawyer will get about 2 paragraphs into the EULA before he realizes he doesn't have a case. Regardless of OP's intentions, he pressed the sell button 5 times. It executed 5 orders. Worked as designed. However, please do not let them off the phone without working out some dirty cheap deal on your commissions for life.
Edit: It seems I'm getting downvoted, but I'm only offering some perspective from the otherside. Maybe it's not fair, but these companies are well protected against stuff like this. Go ahead and waste a retainer on a lawyer, or cut your loses and take what they offer you.
minasmorath: Often times when it comes to online trading, the crap they put in the EULA isn't a fully legal restriction to user to begin with. There are certain sensible expectations from a system that hasn't been tampered with, and if the system can't work within those expectations the user can't be held at fault.
the_hmm: These things usually come without warranty and the risk falls on the side of the user. Had it done something he did not instruct, you might have another story, but it did exactly what he asked it to do. Many programs only have buy and sell buttons and attempt to take this instruction based on the position of the account. If you want to argue that a sell != sell short, next time he's in a flat position he should try pressing sell and see what it does. If it submits a sell short order, then there is no argument.
minasmorath: You're completely correct, most software has no warranty of fitness for a particular purpose. But when it comes to server-side operations that handle money, there are federal regulations involved, and there is definitely a set of baseline expectations somewhere, though I won't pretend to know what those are. I think the answer lies somewhere in between our assumptions, or at least I hope it does.
| 8 | 37.25 | |
1375739364 | 1375745887 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | SoccerBopper: TIFU and kicked a weeaboo in the cooch
So I play girls' soccer, alright? This stupid girl from the other team ran into me when I was about to kick the ball hard and thrust into my leg. I couldn’t stop myself… My foot went right in her groin. She dropped, and started to roll in the grass, covering her vag.
That’s when she started to swear at me… in Japanese. "Kutabare!" "Kuso kurae!" We're both white and she calls me a baka gaijin. She didn't even pronounce it right! (I know because I'm a closet weeb. Shhhh!)
I apologized a lot... but as bad as I felt, it was kind of funny. Gomenasai, otaku-chan!
I got a penalty because they didn't believe it was an accident. The kicked weeaboo girl also got benched with an ice pack for a while and stared daggers (or katanas?) at me the whole time.
TL;DR I accidentally kicked a weeaboo in her omanko and it wasn’t kawaii. Now suddenly I'm an ijiwaru!
MoreDetailThanNeeded: Who the fuck encourages kids to pretend they are in touch with Japanese culture???
You kids know that actual Japanese people are a little offended by your attempts to fetishize their culture, but are too nice and humble to risk insulting you, right?
Like.. you're the laughing stock of multiple cultures. That's bad.
SoccerBopper: I know, and I try to avoid being that. I like a lot of anime and otaku shit, but I don't think I'm a weeaboo! I know I said I was in the story but I was kind of poking fun at myself a little.
cdude: >two white girls yelling at each other in japanese
>not weeabo
pick one
SoccerBopper: I didn't! My storytelling has failed. She yelled in Japanese. I mostly just said "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Teehee. I mean, sorry!!"
cdude: i got nothing against weeaboos. I enjoy an anime once in a while, just not obsessed with all things japanese. If you like it, don't be ashamed of it. Just don't act/pretend like you're actually japanese.
IGOTNOTTIN09: I got nothing too
| 7 | 4.714286 | |
1375750351 | 1375932409 | null | t5_2to41 | 929 | CharlesMonsoon420: TIFU by getting high and watching porn
Fuck guys, this just happened.
It's just another day in the Monsoon household, I'm polishing the ol' pussy penetrator, porn's playing, everything is good. When I finally finish, it goes fucking everywhere, including all over my mouse and my keyboard. Fuck!
I'm so high that I forget about it while trying to find something to clean it up with, and go and get high (smoking after an orgasm is the best)
About 30 minutes later, I come back down into my room and all of the covers are taken off my bed. I see my computer 10 feet from where I left it, still crusted with man goo which by this time has dried into what looks like a cum filled puss-sac. The porn is STILL ON FULLSCREEN and of all things it's a closeup of an asshole.
However, something wasn't right. Everything was changed around and yet nobody was home... At least that's what I thought. It turns out my extremely religious, extremely old, EXTREMELY conservative cleaning lady happened to drop by today too!
tl;dr By the distributive property, I finished on a nun.
edit: Wow, over 200 upvotes, and someone put it on /r/bestoftldr! I'm flattered guys, thank you.
edit 2: Woke up to 644 net upvotes and a ton of awesome comments. Thanks again guys!!
edit 3: Shout out to the various math nerds who told me I ejaculated on a nun by the *transitive* property. Well that takes a load off my back! (Not off of my computer though, unfortunately)
ScumbagElite: Maybe you shouldn't have done drugs
CharlesMonsoon420: Weed []
Drugs []
Pick one
ScumbagElite: umm no matter how much you want to be delusional to it weed is still a drug
CharlesMonsoon420: You know that the consumption of water kills more people than marijuana since every single year forever? Look it up.
ScumbagElite: ok i never said it killed anyone i have no idea where you got that from im just saying its still a drug
CharlesMonsoon420: So are sugar and caffeine.
ScumbagElite: Yes they are, good job
CharlesMonsoon420: If you'd like to keep responding and embarrassing yourself be my guest, but if you'd like some kind-hearted advice I'd leave as quickly as you possibly can.
ScumbagElite: Or you could leave
CharlesMonsoon420: Or dinosaurs could become un-extinct and rule the world. There are endless possibilities to what can happen, yet what is GOING to happen is you're going to fuck off. Nice, simple, and free of any world domination.
ScumbagElite: Nah I'm chill dude I'm not going anywhere you could fuck off though if you want
CharlesMonsoon420: That's the best response you could come up with? I wouldn't call you an [*elite*](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bcYppAs6ZdI) scumbag.
tl;dr If you're going to be a cunt, at least try.
ScumbagElite: im not trying to talk shit, and why are you talking about usernames i just picked 2 random words your username isn't any better
| 14 | 66.357143 | |
1375738800 | 1375821934 | null | t5_2to41 | 45 | CiiMassacre: TIFU by Learning My Music Can Break Glass
Just last night I got back from a long day of work, so I decided to have a glass of wine and watch TV before bed. Seems like a nice way to end a day, and surely the next would be better, right? Not quite.
Today I got out of work an hour or so earlier than usual and decided to do some dishes, but had forgotten to grab the wine glass on the dresser the television's on, where I had apparently left the night before.
So, as usual I turned on some music from the TV speakers and cranked up the volume so I could hear it over the sink running and pass the time. It was set on shuffle and a few songs had played...
And then my own song came on.
Apparently from the ear-destructing noise and high volume, the dresser had vibrated just enough to move the wine glass teetering over the edge and shatter on the floor.
Now the mini bar has one empty spot and it won't stop mocking me every time I walk in and glance at it.
TL;DR: Left a wine glass in front of a loud television and it fell off the side. My music breaks glass.
Daiephir: I'm disappointed, was expecting the frequencies to have destroyed the glass, not the vibrations from the loud music.
Zovistograt: Yeah, but...[this](http://pinkamenaparty.bandcamp.com/track/i-want-to-suck-lauren-fausts-dick) is the song in question. This isn't any old loud music.
SocalFox: Song? More like fuckin' noise.
CiiMassacre: http://slushpilemag.com/?page_id=510
See: "Harsh Noise"
| 5 | 9 | |
1375753740 | 1375797386 | null | t5_2to41 | 544 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting my boyfriend lick the bootyhole.
So this was about a week ago. My boyfriend and I consistently hang out and we don’t mind. Sometimes, being stuck in a room with Netflix running all day can get a bit boring, so you know. We entertain ourselves. With sex. And lots of it. He’s the type who loves to go down and hey, why should I have a problem with that? So I let him proceed. We’ll do the little ‘oh yeah, let’s spoon’ and several seconds later it turns to dirty times. Well the day proceeded and we’re the types who are very curious and pretty much are open to anything. So he wanted to try something that I was not, let me tell you *not ready for*. He fixated me so that my ass would be near his face. Then he went on to you know, lick the bootyhole. I was cautionary at for but I’ll admit, it was different and I didn’t mind. Clearly he didn’t either. We didn’t really realize the medical precautions we should be taking because, what can possibly happen, right? Nope. Fucking wrong. Fuckfuckfuck. I woke up the next morning with the urge to piss and it fucking hurt like satan himself was lighting my vagina on fire. What the fuck is happening to me? I didn’t take it as much and I just went to his house. The problem got worse. What the hell? I looked up my problem and turns out, all the booty licking he’d done? It caused me to develop a fucking UTI. So we ended up waiting until the end of the week to run to a clinic, get antibiotics and get this shit fixed. Curiosity killed the cat, and yup, it definitely killed mine.
DVentresca: Wait... How?
hissxywife: he licked her booty and then went back to licking her kitty.... not good times
DVentresca: I missed that part apparently. Yeah OP, you dun fugged up.
hissxywife: well I'm assuming I guess. But the best way to get a UTI is to get some fecal matter up in there.
[deleted]: and that's why women wipe their buttes from the pussy to the back
hissxywife: I don't have a butte..... I think that's a type of landscape like a mesa... but yes, front to back ALWAYS
[deleted]: I didn't even realize that type, just imagined how butt would sound like in French and out came: butte. I like the word tho :P
hissxywife: me too, although I've really only seen it in Cars
| 9 | 60.444444 | |
1375759364 | 1375782148 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | pineapple_t-rexpress: TIFU; I dropped my earing in the toilet
I had taken out my metal fleshie/tunnel thingo to wash it because if you don't for about a week it begins to smell like feet and pee pee shit and stuff like that.
I took it out in my bathroom on-suite (because my room is pimp like that) which also has the toilet in it. Obviously, as the title suggests my clumsy butter fingets fumbled it into the toilet bowl with a gentle plop.
I panicked and cosidered leaving it in there but it's my favourite one so decided next plan of attack would be to find a glove and attempt to fish it out! I had no idea where I'd get a glove until I remembered that I had one last condom that I could spare!
I had seen in the box how the direction pamphlet shows the rubbers being blown up to like 3 ft tall so it seemed reasonable. I opened the packet and noticed that because it's been so cold that the lube inside had stiffened up. That made for quite an unpleasant ftting!
So the rubber went onto my hand ok; trying not to nick any of it with my nails cos that would defeat the purpose. I stick my hand into this freezing cold sesspool of previously flushed excrement. I wrapped the tip of my finger around the tunnel piece and scooped; taking mental note of just how grimy and disgusting a toilet truly is. I then tried to lightly pinch the tunnel so as not to pierce the condom. This failed and allowed for a tear right across the palm area, causing the chamber my fingers had made at the tip of the condom to flood with this bacterial seaworld! It was cold and horrible!! Of course I screeched like a little bitch.
I proceeded to find the closest antibacterial; some old milky coloured alcohol gel and doused my hand and then drenched it in hot water so as to cause complete disinfection and probably second degree burns.
0/10 would not cup cold toilet water in my hand again.
Please excuse mistakes, on phone.
FUPA69: Nope. Next time, just drop in the other one and flush.
pineapple_t-rexpress: Lol I've got one side pierced because when you're an idiotic immature kid who gets his ear pierced you belive that one side means gay and one means straight
| 3 | 3 | |
1375762300 | 1375812986 | null | t5_2to41 | 227 | Hail-Throwaway: TIFU by talking dirty to my girl in front of her brother
It's 9:30, me and my girlfriend hop in the car, leaving her house. She has two little siblings (M/12 & F/14 that get on my nerves and her nerves quite often and one used to always sneak in the back of the car and accompany us on the ride home (this was back before we could drive).
So, since we are alone in the car, I start joking around to her about sex, BJs, stupid stuff on porn and just in general very explicit content. It's about a 4 minute drive to my house, so with about 2 minutes left in the ride, I pull out my dick and just start telling her to look at it and we share a few good laughs.
We pull up to my house and she parks the car and we kiss for a little while. We joke around a bit more about the disgusting BJs in porn and I joke around asking her to give my D a little suck. She smiles and goes down just real quick. It's about this time we hear rustling in the back. I start laughing and saying "Oh, [little brother] probably hopped in the back!"
She stares right at me and whispers: "I think he is.." I gasp and she says his name. He meekly replies "yes", and I am in a total state of shock. We were pretty close, and played video games and wrestled and stuff, but now he can barley look me in the eyes. I told him briefly I thought I was alone with his sister and I wanted to enjoy privacy with her. I apologized about it, he just replied with one word answers and looked totally shocked. I ran inside and died a little inside. Hardly anybody knows that stuff about us, and that was a very explicit conversation! Damn, I fucked up bad!
corfie13: How did he manage to get in the car without you knowing?
Granpafunk: Cause this story is complete bullshit, that's how.
SSBB08: How do you figure? I don't know if it is or not but I do know sneaking into a car is possible since I used to do it to. I'd get the idea someone was leaving, and just steal away to the car and lie on the floor in the backseat.
Granpafunk: Not noticing a 12 year old child in the backseat of a car seems pretty implausible. Unless of course you use the term "car" to mean just about any vehicle. Then it might be plausible.
| 5 | 45.4 | |
1375747899 | 1375789958 | null | t5_2to41 | 283 | Rufus2468: TIFU in the form of a haiku.
Picked my nose today.
Perforated cartilage.
Bleeding profusely.
CrazyCatLassie: Dumb question, but how many syllables is 'picked'? Would it be counted like pick-ed or pict?
Rufus2468: I'm just counting it as one. As an Australian, I'm British enough to pronounce "cartilage" as three, but not so British that "picked" becomes two. The Brits love their extra syllables.
ShitStainedLegoBrick: British living in Britain here, never heard anyone say "picked" as "pick-ed". But then I am an uncultured Northern monkey so what do I know.
Peregrine21591: I'm from the apparently cultured south (east) - I would count picked as one syllable
The_Darknut_Rises: One heartily concurs.
| 6 | 47.166667 | |
1375766505 | 1375795610 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by being high and having sex
So, my SO And I smoked and went to bed, which eventually led to sex.
Everything was going awesome, it was the best sex we've had. I figured, "meh, it must be because I'm high", little did I know that the condom had fallen off at some point. And he had ejaculated into me.
So basically, we are freaking out since we are broke, and have no money for the morning after pill.
kelification: No money for the morning after pill? How about money to raise a kid? Get that pill right away, and consider longer-term birth control next time.
BeachGirl87: FIND money for the pill, borrow it if you have to! Unless you think coming up with enough money in nine months to raise a child would be easier...
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1375782056 | 1375929992 | null | t5_2to41 | 558 | CCgamer: TIFU by drinking tea...
Ok so this wasn't exactly today but encompasses my whole last week.
I was fairly sick and stuck with one of the worst sore throats I've had in a long while; unfortunately for me it wasn't strep throat so I couldn't just take an antibiotic and be done with it. So this sore throat makes it feel like I'm swallowing glass, and because of this I have literally no appetite. Over the course of 3 days I only ate 3 cans of chicken noodle soup that were about 70 calories a piece, and even that hurt like pouring molten lead down my throat.
To make matters worse... I had explosive diarrhea.
I spent 3 horrendous days not trusting any fart as far as I could throw it and rushing to the restroom every couple of minutes. But because I had no appetite and wasn't eating any food at all I was shitting blanks, sitting on the toilet with massive cramps and a few squirts every few minutes. By the end of the third day my asshole was redder than a raspberry and more raw than Eddie Murphy's 1987 stand up comedy movie. The mix of both this and my sore throat made it really difficult to sleep and rarely got more than a few hours a night. All around, things were not exactly pleasant.
The only thing I had to make life bearable was tea. Since I was shitting out all of the 70% of liquid my body had, I had to constantly be drinking and luckily for me I found a few days prior that a nice warm cup of tea actually felt pretty good. I drank so much tea that I ended up finishing half a box of some menthe tea and a whole box of my parents diet green tea. I'm a big fan of green tea so I finished that box within 3 days.
As I'm throwing away the box of diet green tea, I start to think. How can tea get any more diet? It's just tea leaves and hot water... I looked at the box again to find that it actually read dieter's green tea prompting me to look at the back of the box where in semi bold letters it reads, "This tea contains laxative properties. Do not exceed more than 2 cups within 24 hours." I finished a box of 20 tea bags using a 20oz mug for each bag in only 3 days... I was giving myself explosive diarrhea. I was to blame for the 3 excruciating days of shit coated pain.
TL;DR *I put myself into a shit induced coma that lasted 3 days because I drank laxative infused tea.*
W1ULH: I believe in the fad dieting world that is called "a cleansing"
TheSilverCenturion: In his case the term would be a "thorough cleansing."
Bapoos: or scrubbing until it's raw
[deleted]: As raw as Eddie Murphy's 1987 stand up comedy movie in fact
| 5 | 111.6 | |
1375782102 | 1375818900 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | JaDinklageMorgoone: TIFU by letting a huge moth survive...
Before you ask, yes I am the same person that posted the doritos locos dog shit catastrophe the other day. I thought that was the end of the fuck ups. But the fates jest, and this one is much more terrifying, but only slighlty less disgusting. Let us begin.
Today I was still recovering for the doritos locos diarrhea shit storm my dog violently ejaculated from his asshole onto my face while sleeping. Me and teddy have a rocky relationship at best at the moment. Today I thought, "well at least getting dog diarrhea blasted all over your head is probably the lowest you can go, I guess things cant get much worse." Well I didn't have the faintest idea of the horrific showdown that will occur in approximately 12 hours. The day was great! I did some hoodrat shit with my friends, "watched" despicable me 2 with my date. And by watch I mean violating her tounge with my own while a movie plays in the background. And then we had some "lunch" and by lunch I mean we oraly pleasured eachothers fuck instrument. Sounds like a pretty solid day right? Well let us fast forward shall we?
12:00 AM. Just finished watching family guy on netflix. "Time to go to bed" I sleepily grumble to myself. I enter my room, and I was unaware of the monstrosity lurking above me on my ceiling. I get in my bed and out of the corner of my eye, I see A MOTHER FUCKING MOTH THE SIZE OF A FUCKING GI JOE. I am paralyzed from the dick down as I see my imminent demise staring me down from my ceiling. Ok so this thing is so fucking big that there is no way in fuck I am killing it, the bug sauce would be too much to clean up. So I opt for the more jesus like response.... I'm saving this mother fucker. I find a hawk feather. (I have no fucking idea why a hawk feather was so readily available) and try to coerce it onto the feather. I gently rub the insect with the feathers trying to show that I am no enemy. But the stupid fucker keeps getting more and more agressive with each sexual stroke I give it. Eventually its going full on kamikaze on my ass. This goes on for about an hour. Eventually I get frustrated that something could be so inconceiviabley retarded that I borderline think about assassinating it with my rubber band gun. (Yet again I don't know why or where it came from. It was just there) I just say fuck it, and leave the winged demon for morning. I get in bed with teddy... I forgave him :), and get to sleep. Now here comes the gross part.
I wake up to a tickle on my face. I instinctively go and scratch it like any normal humanoid would do. I find out moments later this will be the most disgusting scratch of my life. I scratch it, then I start to feel something slapping the fuck out of my nose. Moments later I realize its the moth.... or what was left of it. While scratching, I squished the moth on my face and it was squirming out of agony. I had bug juice all over my cheek and nose. I ran to my bathroom and looked in the mirror and saw awfulness. There was yellowish white goo all over my cheek, a leg or two and part of a wing. My face looked like the aftermath of a bug versus lamborghini head on collision. The smell could only be described as ratchet. I get in the shower and wash up, scrape the bug off the bed and fontemplate suicide. Not as big of a fuck up as the other day, but still a pretty big fuck up. JUST KILL THE DAMN THING NEXT TIME JADINKLAGEMORGOONE!.
**tldr** have a freaking legendary day, nighfall comes, enter my room, gi joe sized moth is present in said room, I risk hours of my time trying to rescue it, verbally cuss out the stupid fuck, give up and go to bed, I awaken with a tickling on my face, I go to scratch it and squish the moth on my face, have to scrape bug goo off face and bed.
**PICS!**
http://imgur.com/bTDJqN0.jpg. he is so big you can see his inner eye.
http://i.imgur.com/BD9bO6p.jpg. GI joe. His body was about the length of a GI joe arm, and his wingspan was slighlty less than a whole gi joe. (Dont judge me I couldn't find a ruler, so I found a gi joe in my 15 year old toy box for a size comparison. )
[deleted]: You have the worst fucking luck.
JaDinklageMorgoone: Well usually I'm a pretty lucky guy, but recently things have been going downhill haha! I must have done something to deserve this karma, but im not entirely sure what.
[deleted]: You got dog shit and bug juice all over your face, that's what you did. Haha I think it's extremely karma-worthy
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1375803175 | 1375825535 | null | t5_2to41 | 113 | MrOwnageQc: TIFU by losing a girl's number
First of all, i'm not very good at telling stories, plus english isn't my native language, so my appologizes for the lack of grammar :). Anyway.. I was on vacation at Hampton Beach, New-Hempshire. I was on the beach, enjoying a frozen yogurt and this beautiful girl walks by. There was a **lot** of nice looking girls on the beach today, but this one, caught my attention more than the others. I just wanted to talk to her, but sadly, my english isn't great enough to have a full conversation with this girl. (I'm a french Canadian from Québec) I'm normally a very shy guy who isn't really the type of guy who go talk with girls. Turns out she was sitting with her family +/- 5 meters in front of me. I then decided to go swimming for like 15 minutes and then go back to where I had left my stuff. She was always looking at me kind of quickly which surprised me at first, because I'm not a very muscular guy, pretty much a normal looking guy. She was definitely finding me *a bit* attractive. As I said, I don't really go talk to girls, but 5 minutes later, which felt like an hour, I got my shit together, stepped up, and go talk to her. I sit on her right side, and I start speaking to her in the best english I could possibly ever think of. After another 2 minutes that also felt like hours, I stop speaking, and she didn't say a word, she looked me straight in the eyes, and started laughing, I almost crapped my pants thinking that I said something stupid or even worse. Turns out she explains me, in french, that she is also from Québec. We spoke for a solid 30 minutes and she was incredibly nice. It was now 5pm and she had to go. Then, she gave me her number, which was pretty much the first time it ever happened to me as a shy guy. I couldn't be happier, I was happier than a kid in a candy store ! I simply couldn't believe what happened. I carefully placed her number in my wallet, On my way back to my hotel, I saw a nice t-shirt and I decided to buy it. While pulling the 20$ out of my wallet, the number of the girl fall on the floor (well, I guess that this what happened). Back to my hotel room, I wanted to add her number in my cell phone because I didn't wanted to lose it. My brain *"stopped working"* when I noticed that the piece of paper was missing. If karma really exists, I might have killed a bunch of puppies in another life or something.. Really pissed & sad right now, and I thought I could share it with you guys. Thanks for reading ! Sarah, if somehow, you read this, well I'm sorry for not calling or texting you ! :(
**TL;DR :** Finally get the balls to speak to a beautiful girl, turns out she's awesome and get her number, then managed to lose her number while buying a fucking t-shirt.
TheSilverCenturion: Do you know her name? Perhaps you could look her up on facebook.
MrOwnageQc: That's what I thought, but there are a million Sarah on Facebook ! :/
FreddieForeshadowing: You can narrow your search to the city that she lives in if she happened to tell you where she is living now. That might help a bit, and maybe you'll recognize her in her profile pic.
Speedzor: Definitely, with the new facebook search it's a lot easier to find someone with only a bit of information that you can piece together.
twenafeesh: Oddly I don't find this especially comforting.
| 6 | 18.833333 | |
1375811014 | 1375893153 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,473 | [deleted]: TIFU by doing an interview in my underwear.
My life is a joke.
I had an opportunity for a phone interview at a great start-up and unlike a lot of the shady companies that had interviewed me in the past few days, this one seemed like a great opportunity to do something exciting. When I'm in my element and confident I generally kill interviews, so I was doing some last minute research and waiting for the phone call, which happened right on time.
So far so good.
We exchange pleasantries, I'm excited to impress, and then... "So, let's just turn this phone interview into a Skype chat." I hesitated, but it seemed like he preferred it. I should have been honest and declined, but logic does not lead someone to post here. It was like watching a train crash in slow motion. I gave him my Skype ID. I got the chat request. Then the phone call. I was only able to squeak out a, "sorry for disheveled appearance..."
Let me tell you about my appearance. Calling it disheveled is like calling the Holocaust an inconvenience. If I went in public like this, people might hand me change and suggest AA. My interviews the past few days have all been over the phone. Other than those, I haven't had shit to do, so I haven't had a reason to maintain my appearance. I have a mangy, unkempt beard that's been growing for well over a month. I haven't gotten a haircut in two, which would be fine, if it wasn't pointing in eight directions like a scene-kids dream since I woke up with bed hair and left it like that. I didn't even fucking wash my face. The shirt I was wearing? An old coke t-shirt with dandruff and a stain on it.
I wasn't even wearing pants.
So like I said, when I'm confident, I interview well. When I look fucking homeless and I'm not fully dressed, I do not.
The only smart thing I did was put my head between a light and the camera so the contrast made me at least like a high-class vagrant. Regardless, I stuttered, stumbled, and forgot what I was saying halfway through my thoughts because I was so uncomfortable.
The Skype was on my phone so I was able to keep the camera only on my face, but really, it didn't matter. I blew the interview in such a spectacular way.
If I get this job, I would decline it because that would make the company a very poor judge of character. Now please excuse my while I get up-to-date on personal hygiene.
EDIT: Guys, what I said about turning the job down was humor for the sake of the story. I won't turn down a job simply because of some warped sense of morality. Please stop lecturing me on it.
[deleted]: When I was in grade 4 I went to school with my older brothers boxers as shorts. I had my undies on underneath. Had no idea boxers were a thing, but I knew all about it by the end of that day.
Yeesh
Fiddly_Castro: Once I got some pyjamas for my 7th or 8th birthday, but didn't realise and just walked around all day wearing pyjamas.
I only found out when we got back home after going out and my parents said "Time for bed now, get into your pyjamas! Oh wait!" Then proceeded to laugh a lot.
Cougs67: >pyjamas
English person spotted
edit: also "realise"
Also, I wasn't pointing out Fiddly_Castro in a mean way, I just find it interesting that you can tell where people are from by regional spellings
Fiddly_Castro: Huh, I was aware of the realize/realise divide, but what do you call pyjamas in America? (I am assuming you are American, if not I apologise).
lightningman26: pajamas
Dannybaker: what why
retrogreq: How do you folks across the pond pronounce it? In 'Murica, its Puh-jam-uhs, or Pa-jam-ahs depending on where in the country you are...Pyjamas sounds weird to me sounding it out in my head how it looks.
Pixielo: It's not pronounced 'pie-jamas,' it really does sound like the American version, albeit with a Brit accent.
Viiri: In Finnish, it is yöpuku, but most people say pyjamas. Most people pronounce it pijamas. I already forgot my point.
ikarios: Ninjas in Pyjamas, not Ninjas in Yöpuku!
^^^^no ^^^^point ^^^^here ^^^^either.
ReadsSmallTextBot: >no point here either.
| 12 | 122.75 | |
1375825314 | 1375825659 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | ThisLittleBoy: TIFU by stapling my finger.
It's a dull day in the dog days of summer and I'm idly lying down on my bed. I notice that I have a stapler on my desk next to my bed. Awesome. It was like one of those moments where you look down and you remember that you have a penis so you do what's natural and start playing around with it.
So I started tinkering around with the stapler, trying to figure out how it works. Lifting it. Rotating it. Stapling it. It was when I was pushing against the handle, my hand directly on top of the staples, when I heard it click.
Both ends of a staple went into my thumb. I painfully pulled it out. I sit here, typing this out with a sore thumb while I'm repeatedly cursing at my brain. I swear I'm at least book smart.
Wodge: /r/idungoofed
ThisLittleBoy: Not the biggest fuck up in the world but I think it requires more stupidity than accidentally shitting myself.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1375827778 | 1375908633 | null | t5_2to41 | 65 | FizzPig: TIFU by making it so I'm going to be bicycling 40 miles a day when school starts
My problem actually started/happened months ago but I only just realized what I did.
I always tend to sign up for my classes at the university of New Mexico a little bit later than I should but I've never really had any problems with it. UNTIL NOW. When I registered online a few months back for the fall semester, I was almost sure that I had pressed the button that said "main campus only" when searching through the available courses, I live 5 minutes away from the main campus so it's very convenient.
I did not do this and only found out about a week ago. of my five classes, 3 of them are at the Rio Rancho campus which is 20 miles away and one is at the Los Lunas/Valencia campus which is 30 miles away. I don't own a car so 3 days a week I'm going to be riding 40 miles to get to and from school and on fridays I'm going to have to take the train THEN bicycle 10 miles to and from the Los Lunas/Valencia campus. I can't go in to talk to an academic advisor about this because it's entirely on me and they'd laugh at me. I didn't check properly and school starts in two weeks. FML.
TLDR: I am about to get in fantastic shape, whether I want to or not :/
[deleted]: You can talk to advisors and try to switch classes. If you show up on the first day of class with a certain slip then the professors will likely let you join the class. You must get this slip from advisors generally. Chillax.
Either fix it, which is very doable... Or start practicing for the Tour de France. At least you're not farther north with snow, but seriously, just talk to advisors... You're not the first and won't be the last. Tons of kids mess this up at every university every year.
scrndude: I don't think you even need a slip during the first week. Most universities recognize that schedules are subject to change, and will let you change classes very easily during the first week. For classes that I switched in, I just told the professor "Hey, I changed my schedule online, what did I miss during the first day?" and they'll go "Not much, here's the syllabus and here's your TA"
[deleted]: Ah, the two universities I went to were different. Slips were required with professor's signatures.
scrndude: Oh, I guess your schools were more strict about schedule changes. The only similar thing I've seen was if you wanted to take a class without meeting the pre-reqs, or if the class was booked to the capacity the professor had set, the professor would have to sign their approval. I've never seen that just for class transfers.
[deleted]: Oh for just class transfers not necessary. I was under the impression that the classes he chose were full. At my schools if the class was full you had to get permission from the professor to join it. That's what I meant. I must have been unclear.
scrndude: Oh, okay! Yeah, I don't think OP mentioned the classes he wanted being full. Glad we got this sorted!
[deleted]: Yeah. I sort of just assumed they were full. Logic suggests that he would have simply switched classes otherwise lol... Then again, this is TIFU. Logic tends to be absent.
FizzPig: no no they are pretty much full :(
[deleted]: Then go to your advisor ASAP, ask for add slips and explain why. Show up to the classes you want to get into on the first day. Arrive early and go up to the Professor and ask if you can join the class. Professors will generally let you in since X amount of people always drop out, switch out, never show up. Also, try to get extra slips and have backup classes planned just in case they are full. It doesn't hurt to email the professor/call their office if you can find it and ask ahead of time.
It really shouldn't be an issue. It happens all the time.
| 10 | 6.5 | |
1375822661 | 1375998671 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | jodega: TIFU by wandering off drunk in Ecuador
So the SO and I are in Ecuador on vacation and we are flying out to Panama City and 6 am the following morning. We've been on a bit of a day drunk and he's tired and I'm bored. I decide to wander off to an internet cafe where I end up meeting some fun travellers and we head off to a bar. We drink more and more.. and more. Fast forward I'm stumbling around and I can't find the condo we are renting for the life of me. I'm trying to ask around my Spanish is lousy and slurring. Eventually SO finds me outside a block away and he is PISSED! rightly so. It is 2am. We discover I've lost my iphone. It has all my vacation pics and some nudie pics of me on it...We head back and we go to sleep for a bit after a lot of yelling. We sleep a little late as we're hungover and he sends me down to ask the doorman to call us a cab. I assume because of my terrible Spanish he doesn't. The airport is an hour away. The SO manages to get us a cab called after we wait awhile but by the time we get to the airport it's 15 minutes before departure so we can't leave. They also do not sell tickets to Panama at the airport. We have to take another cab all the way back and then I manage to find tickets for oh, only $500 each for the 1.5 hour flight. Several hours later we head back to airport. When we get home to Canada I discover $1100 in fraudulent charges have accrued on my phone despite my reporting it stolen.
TL;DR TIFU by getting drunk, missing my flight, adding another $2500 onto my vacation expenses and scaring my SO. FML.
[deleted]: Don't be so stupid. You could have easily been raped or killed or mugged.
sinwavecho: Dont they like to kidnap gringos for large ransoms?
megalurkeruygcxrtgbn: Not sure about Ecuador, but they do in Mexico. It doesn't even have to be a foreigner.
| 4 | 8.75 | |
1375833576 | 1375867440 | null | t5_2to41 | 41 | field1: TIFU by doing my hair and watching Netflix.
Out of boredom, I decided to curl my hair while I watched a movie.
I absentmindedly grabbed the wrong end of the curling iron. Pain...lots of pain, ensued.
I am currently a lefty with the (temporary) inability to use my left hand, as it is burned and blistered by my extremely hot ignorance.
[deleted]: Reminds me of that one Vine where the girl is singing and uses her curling iron as a microphone. Wrong end of the curling iron.
I understand your pain. I had gotten my straight iron on my neck once. It was very hickey-like for weeks.
scrndude: Holy shit, I had no idea this actually happened. I always thought that was the go-to lie for hickeys!
[deleted]: I can definitely tell you that nobody believed me because it was such a common lie.
Taitoui: I'm loving the username
| 5 | 8.2 | |
1375838744 | 1375839233 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | oscarzr: TIFU by babysitting.
So there I am, looking to impress the little four year old I'm babysitting. I get up to the diving board, and I plan on doing a front flip like I have performed a million times. But alas, today is no normal day my friends, for fate had another idea in mind. I load up, and take a mighty leap into the water. And just for a little back story, I am a very athletically built man, 6'3" and 220 lbs. I absolutely nailed the front flip. I come out of the water, turn around, and the diving board is just floating in the pool. I motherfucken' launched the diving board out of the ground and into the pool. I am immediately followed with grief for I totally destroyed it, and I look at the kid I am babysitting and all he can muster to say through his tears is, "It's your fault! Your too fat and you broke it!" Luckily, when the mom got home she was okay with it and knew it was an accident, but I still can't help to feel absolutely horrible about it.
tl;dr: My fat ass decided to do a flip, flipped the diving board itself.
Dekanne_Esreven: Thank you for the afternoon LOL - I just need to argue that I disagree with your mental image of fat, for you're only an inch taller than my SO, and I totally see this as something he'd do!
oscarzr: haha well it's nice I can make someone laugh, and thanks :)
Dekanne_Esreven: I bet the young one you watched will have laughs over this story when he's older.
| 4 | 8.25 | |
1375851391 | 1375894040 | null | t5_2to41 | 50 | [deleted]: TIFU by relapsing
I started attending a Narcotics Anonymous group exactly 30 days ago, and now I found myself once again drinking booze and snorting coke like I promised myself, God, and others that I would never do again. 30 amazing days down the drain by using again, and I'm feeling really shitty about it. I really fucked up today.
cebbers18: I'll equate this to an admittedly less serious situation, but I've been trying to lose weight this summer, and I've fallen off the wagon like four times now.
BUT -- I keep trying, and it's finally starting to work out, and I'm sticking to it much more consistently.
I can't attest to addiction, because I don't drink, smoke, or do any drugs (not that I have anything against drinking, smoking, or pot exactly, I just don't feel a personal need for them), but I can only imagine it is extremely taxing trying to get through an addiction to a drug, especially something like coke which is significantly harder than something like alcohol.
You fell off the wagon, and it's shitty, but you owe it to yourself to keep trying and working at it. I guarantee you if you persevere you'll realize how great life can be if you're free from addiction.
jollytrolley: Dealing with food addiction is a bitch. Not only does it consume your thoughts when you're not doing it, it's actually something you need to stay alive. It's like treating an coke addict by telling him to get up every morning, do one bump, and leave the rest alone for the day.
cebbers18: I agree completely, it's a total lifestyle change if you want to eat healthy, too.
It's especially hard when you live in a household where people are eating like, super tasty but unhealthy junk food that I grew up on, and I have to sit there eating a tiny salad :p
I think my taste in food is changing though, so it's all good.
| 4 | 12.5 | |
1375851869 | 1375855669 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | Wirley: TIFU by having a threesome.
This fuck up was actually a few says ago, the weekend more precisely.
it began with me and my best friend just hanging out waiting to go to a fair with these girls. One of the girls has been like a sister to me and ive talked with her everyday for months. so anyway we go and pick the girl up (the one like my sister) and she had forgotten to call her friend and tell her we were going, so whatever we said lets just get high and go to a wildlife park and wander. So i decided to get drunk as well and by the time we had finished at the wildlife park i was in no position to be making any kind of life changing decisions but it turns out i did anyway. One thing led to another and me, my best friend and the girl ended up having a threesome in the back of the car. So reddit, TIFU. I've tried talking to her about it and she just gives me one word replies. She was completely sober (apart from being high) same with my best friend. She also has a boyfriend.
TL'DR- had a threesome with my best friend and a girl with a boyfriend
HydrofoilGoat: So, you were the only drunk one? And she's not talking to YOU?
Wirley: Yes. shes claiming i ruined the friendship by letting it happen. i understand that i'm not the one to blame but i cant help but think i am. She was like my sister man.
OceanRacoon: What a bitch. Have her charged with rape, that's what she would have done to you if she'd been drunk, to save herself the responsibility and embarrassment she obviously can't handle.
Wirley: I think thats overreacting just a bit, but ill admit i did consider it. Last time i ever go out with a guy and a girl, thirdwheelings overrated
OceanRacoon: Have them both charged with attempted murder. Did you touch the guys dick, or was it a no-eye contact, let's not pretend another guy is here sort of thing?
Wirley: Lets pretend another guy isnt present.
| 7 | 4.857143 | |
1375845737 | 1375929716 | null | t5_2to41 | 97 | linusvp98: TIFU by kicking myself in the balls.
This isn't a long story, but it still qualifies as a certifiable fuck up in my opinion. Let's begin...
So, I had just returned from a run, and I was obviously tired. I lay down in my bed after stretching for around five minutes. I try to just stretch out a little bit in bed with these random stretches. One of these stretches was me lifting up my right leg as far as I could. Not very effective, but what the hell. And when I was done with the stretch, I let my leg down too fast. The heel of my foot made direct impact with my right testicle.
**Pain. The biggest pain that I have ever felt in my life.** I fell off my bed and I stayed down. I was in too much pain to say a word or to even make a sound. I stayed in this position for approximately five minutes until I felt another crippling condition. This time it was nausea. I don't know why it happened, but suddenly I just felt a terrible urge to throw up. I ran as fast as I could to the toilet and vomited three times. After that whole ordeal, I went back to my bed and lay there until I could acquire a sense of feeling again. Those have been the worst 10 minutes of my life so far. I fucked up horribly and did easily the dumbest thing I've ever done.
BarnacleBoy123: Jesus dude how long are your balls
Tenchi98: I found a [magnification](http://tinyurl.com/kwap8bu) of his right nut on google images
[deleted]: Risky click of the day
| 4 | 24.25 | |
1375854966 | 1375896059 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | [deleted]: TIFU By giving my brother my amazon information so he could use my prime benefits.
I ended up having to open a new amazon account to order myself a vibrator and i didn't get to use free two day shipping.
scrndude: ICANSEEYOUVIBRATING
ICANSEEYOUFAPPING: [(┌ -‿-)┌](http://imgur.com/IeGU4jR)
ICanHearYouPoop: I cant see anything :(
km1bm30: You can hear pretty well though, so that's good.
| 5 | 8 | |
1375868766 | 1375934313 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | csdeadboy1980: TIFU by using my leg as an ashtray...
So, this actually happened a few years ago, but I was reminded of it by reading another TIFU post and thought is was worthy of this sub...
I was a college freshman at the time, and was leaving a marching band rehearsal when my car broke down. I managed to limp it to a gas station where I used a payphone to call for a ride (This was back in the dark ages, when not many people carried cell phones, and cell phones looked like today's cordless home phones. Guess that dates me...). While I was waiting, I sat down on the curb and lit a cigarette. As I was finishing up, I noticed a pair of extremely attractive coeds jogging past. Being a typical 18-year-old mess of hormones and perversion, I was paying much more attention to all that mobile T&A than I was to what I was doing. Long story short, instead of grinding my cig out on the curb like i meant to, I instead stubbed it out on my bare knee. The scream could be heard for miles. The girls turned, saw me, died laughing, and I got a nice little burn scar on my leg that I still bare today.
tl;dr: I chose boobs over brains and used my leg for an ashtray.
MrSn1ck3rs: At least you got a boner.
Vesploogie: At least he didn't stub his smoke on his stub.
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1375890932 | 1375893628 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU by not properly configuring the set up between my client's online payment form and their Authorize,net account. It took 2 months to notice.
Turns out in Wordpress there's a 3rd (obscure) setting which connects Gravity Forms to Authorize.net: the "Authorize.net Feed". Building a form and successfully configuring the Authorize.net key/security info ISN'T ENOUGH (no admin notification for this? Damn those reassuring green check marks!). Without the third setting the form simply captures the submissions but never "talks" to Authorize.net.
This has been happening for 2 months until my client noticed today they have 0 records in their Authroize.net account. Now that I have the communication issued resolved, the only way (that I know of) to fix this is for all of those card holders to go back and submit their payment again. Ugg I'm emailing the client now...
[deleted]: However, I did submit a test payment before launching the feature and informed the client all was successful on my end. I had no way of checking their end(e.g. Inside their Authorize.net account). So, still 100% my fault? :-)
Legolas-the-elf: If you have to leave somebody else to check something, always get them to state that they have checked it before you consider the job complete.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1375893915 | 1375934123 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,378 | kicksmalone: TIFU by making my extended family listen to me rip ass. [probably NSFW]
So I'm visiting my grandparents and uncle today for a sort of nice family get-together. They live downtown in a fairly small appartment; about 3 rooms, a kitchen, and a bathroom.
The problem is, I had eaten two entire buckets of extremely spicey Buffalo Wild Wings, and had to drop a massive care package about an hour into the visit. I saw that the bathroom was very close to the dining room, in which we were all sitting and enjoying some nice apple pie. I planned on holding it until after the meal, but the oncoming storm of chocolate rain refused to be held back.
I excuse myself from the table and sit on the can. Not a second later the brown waterfall begins splashing into the water, accompanied by sounds which I never thought my stimach would be capable of making. This continued for roughly 25 minutes, with short pauses in between the torrential shitstorms. I could hear the sounds of fidgeting and discomfort coming from the other room, and by the end I felt embarrassed but extremely relieved.
I am currently sitting in the living room and trying to make conversation, after having to clean my watery shit off of the inside of the toilet as the water could only take down at most 1/3 of it.
But the moral of the story is, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
tl;dr: my grandparents had to listen to me shit a mountain after eating Buffalo Wild Wings the day before.
frakintrekker: This is why we should live in a world where it's perfectly normal to talk about poop. Everybody poops. Ignoring the topic just makes it worse. You should be able to proudly walk out of a bathroom and announce, "Man, those wings sure did a number on me, but in the end, I was victorious. So how was your poop today?"
kicksmalone: That would be the perfect world, my friend.
TheNr24: I usually time a couple of coughs with my contractions.
Bonus points for coughing a few times before and after entering the bathroom, to avoid suspicion.
Another trick I use in public restrooms is wiping the seat with some toilet paper first and depositing it in the toilet in such a way that it completely covers the surface of the water. This not only works wonders against water splashing up to your bum, but also to avoid those nasty ***splutch*** sounds of your deuce breaking the water plane.
kicksmalone: These are some solid tips, but they require much more thinking ahead than I am capable of when I'm starting to grow a tail.
krismasster: Naruto?
ixidor121: Not a fox tail, a turtle head tail.
citare: I now have a picture of a man pooping out a turtle in my head. OH GOD WHY.
ixidor121: [This should fix that.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tBFa545nVFk)
citare: Riiiiiiiiggghhhhttt
| 10 | 137.8 | |
1375894347 | 1375915107 | null | t5_2to41 | 148 | ElleEmEnnoPea: TIFU by leaving the title of my new car in the glovebox...
I recently got a new job, so I cashed in my savings and bought a little used car (my first ever!) so I could make the commute back and forth. I had the car for exactly four days before it was stolen. And thanks to leaving the title in the glovebox, I basically bought someone else a new car. And now I'm all kinds of screwed...and not in the proper way...
Badside: What the hell are you talking about? You're the rightful owner, call the police and file a stolen vehicle report.
Having the title doesn't make your the owner, being the guy on the title does.
Xproplayer: Thieves could sell the car to themselves with the title
Badside: Doesn't the DMV has a record of who owned the car previously? Unless OP never actually registered it...
I live in Canada, so I don't know exactly how the DMV works, but I know for sure that wouldn't work. If I sell my car to a dealer, I have to sign the back of the registration, and even if someone forged my signature I could still call the police and demonstrate that ain't my signature (plus prove there was no money transfer etc etc... note to self, never pay a car cash).
If I sell to another individual, I have to physically go to the SAAQ (that's what the DMV is called in Quebec province) with the buyer and do the transaction, where they will validate mine and his identity.
There is just no way to legally appropriate a car without the previous owner's consent.
I'm really hoping it,s the same elsewhere, else that would be dumb.
NormalStranger: I made a huge mistake when dealing with what I thought were friendly folks. I bought a car from a guy and got the title. However he said he's selling it for his friend and I need to call him to get the title signed over. So I call, don't get an answer. "Oh, he's out of town for a week, give him a call next Wednesday." So the weekend comes around and my car is gone. Original Owner came and took it. I learned a great life lesson then.
Badside: Oh, so you didn't FU by leaving the title in the car, you FU'ed by buying a car when all the red lights where blinking (exchanging money before going to the DMV, paying cash, buying from the "owner's friend").
Yeah, you FU'ed
Still file a report with the police, but if you paid cash you have no proof
NormalStranger: Yup. These were guys that I've talked to and hung out with for a while and everything seemed nice and comfortable with them. I played the trusting guy, and got burned. This was 3 years ago, and I did file a police report, but it took about a year for it all to finalize with a "You know there's nothing we can really do, right?"
I was aware I made a mistake a learned from it. Good thing it was only 3 grand.
| 7 | 21.142857 | |
1375896020 | 1375997687 | null | t5_2to41 | 397 | Fecesofwar: TIFU by trying to piss while biking
*I've posted before here. Karma's a bitch.*
A couple days ago we were set for a big rainstorm, so I decided to ride my bike. It's always nice to get out in warm rain. So I went out for a few miles up along a forest preserve path, and once it started drizzling, I turned around to enjoy the rain. And that's when I decided to piss.
I've done this before - when it's just pouring rain, really drenching you, there's a terrible pleasure in just taking a leak. It's the same as doing it at the beach I suppose. And the water just washes the sin away. I've done it while walking in rainstorms and never had a problem. Now, kind of as a dare against myself, I decide to do it while riding my bike.
So I start trying to overcome centuries of evolutionary instinct, convincing my body that I'm really okay with this. My body gives me about a minute of "You're sure about this?" resistance before taking it waaay too far. I feel the moment coming, and I stand on the pedals, coasting, feeling exultant, when it happens.
Karma, karma everywhere. My body opened all the floodgates, and right after I had started pissing, I shit. My ass just opened with foul, black, post-drinking soft-serve shit. It was more like bursting a water balloon than dropping a load, and it was over in a moment.
I actually didn't fall or crash. I just kind of coasted forward, gently applying the brake. I thought "Maybe it was just a nasty fart?" but visual observation discounted that hypothesis. My right leg, my bike seat, my shoe were all victims.
"Okay, okay, it's raining. I just need to pull over and hide off the path for a bit." Nope, it stops raining after a few minutes. Home is miles away, and while I can stay in the forest preserve for a little while, I eventually am going to go into pretty trafficked areas. So I decide to sacrifice my shirt to wipe things down. It is destroyed in moments, but I think it was worth it, as I can at least distant or casual observation.
I get going again, and now the smell is getting to me, so I decide to take a detour to stop by the river that crosses the trail. I ride down and out of the way to find a spot where I'm 95% sure I can't be seen by passing looky-loos. I find a suitable shame corner and dismount.
I pull my shorts and underwear off over my shoes and wade into the water. I give the clothes a good shake and rinse, then squat in to wash myself, paranoid about about fish and turtles snapping at my business. As I'm wrapping this up, I notice a male deer on the other side of the river, just watching me.
Shorts go back on, and then I give my shoes and socks the treatment. Now it's time for my bike. I pull it into the water with me and let it rinse for a while, which gives me some time to think about my life. Once I pull it out, I realize I'm not confident that my fabric-covered bike seat is safe.
I remove the bike seat and start shaking it around in the water to make sure it's safe, only for it to slip out of my hand and sink after floating several feet. This is when the deer stopped watching and just slowly walked away. I tried to find it, but after a while I just gave up. I ended up riding home, standing on my pedals the whole way.
ObligatoryAnonymity: TL;DR
Psionx0: I'm sure there's a website made for people that refuse to read anything longer than 140 characters.
Oh yeah, it's called Twitter. Why exactly are you on Reddit?
ObligatoryAnonymity: If something is interesting enough I enjoy reading it. An anecdote about a piss mishap doesn't really capture my attention for more than a paragraph...
ThaBlobFish: So you did read it...
ObligatoryAnonymity: Sure didn't.
superluke: Lol you're from the Midwest.
ObligatoryAnonymity: Not even close. Why do you think that?
superluke: Sounds like something my colleagues in Indiana would say
| 9 | 44.111111 | |
1375900553 | 1375936564 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | sonicbird: TIFU by saying the wrong thing to a girl
So I was texting this girl that I'm interested in, and everything's going as it usually is, we're just texting back and forth, no problem. Then she starts giving shorter answers, and the way she was texting I could tell something was wrong. So, naturally, I asked what was wrong, and, also naturally, she just kept saying "Nothing." I eventually said "It's obvious that something is wrong, why don't you tell me?" Then she said "Nope! Nope nope nope!" This just made me upset because I care about her and want to know what's wrong. This is how the conversation went from there:
Me: "Why do you do that?"
Her: "I don't know. It's just what I do."
Me: "You realize how infuriating it is, right?"
Her: "Yeah."
Me: "Then why?"
Her: "I don't know."
Me: "Ugh."
This is where I fucked up. She sends back "Sorry." And I understand that she is actually sorry that this is upsetting me. But me, still being upset at the whole thing, respond with "No." I realized too late that I fucked up after I hit that send button. Her response was "K." That just confirmed my fuckup. She hasn't said anything since; I don't really blame her, looking at it from her point of view. So that's how I fucked up today, Reddit. Thanks for reading.
MistressLiliana: You were fine, she is just a bitch for not telling you what you said wrong that pissed her off in the first place.
sonicbird: Haha yeah, it really would have made things so much simpler if she had just explained what made her upset.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1375923058 | 1376088049 | null | t5_2to41 | 73 | Farts_Smell: TIFU by not removing an Obama-Biden 2012 bumper sticker from a used car I recently paid off.
I was just outside in front of my trailer playing with my two year old son and I got an unpleasant, drive-by shouting. He screamed:
>Good job voting for Obama!
>Maybe he can get your family out of that trailer.
1. It reminded me that I have an Obama sticker on my truck that I need to remove (I hate bumper stickers, I bought the car used).
2. It reminded me just how shitty people can be.
I didn't get a chance to tell the guy my plans for the future. I didn't get a chance to tell him that I am a Veteran going to school with my 9/11 GI benefits. I didn't get a chance to tell him everything I own is paid off (even the shitty trailer). He just got to drive on in his shitty, beat-down truck... Why the fuck was he in my trailer park to begin with?
Anyway, politics aside, this guy was an ass, right?
inevitabled34th: Thank you for your service. I'm actually going to swear into the Air Force next week. And yes, that guy was an ass.
Farts_Smell: I served six years in the Air Force. Good luck in basic.
inevitabled34th: Thank you. I'm really excited. Hope I don't get recycled though.... Any tips?
Farts_Smell: Just do as you're asked. Study the fuck out of whatever they tell you to study. Attention to detail. Practice doing 60 push-ups in a minute, same thing goes for sit-ups and running. For sit-ups, 55 in a minute. For your run, you'll have to run 1.5 miles in 11:13.
The hardest part about basic is the mental part. Don't let them in your head. Remember it's their job to do what they're doing to you. They will try to break you. The rumors you hear about them not being able to cuss at you are untrue. They will spit on you and they will yell directly into your ears. Up at 0430 every morning. Exercise - 0530. Bedtime is 2100. Have fun for six weeks and remember every rule about the chow hall. The chow hall is probably the most stressful place in basic. Instructors make eating as tough as possible because without food, people act really strange. They want to see people in their truest forms, so they make eating as difficult as possible. Don't volunteer for anything. Go to church every Sunday (even if you don't believe because it's precious freetime). Tell your loved ones to write, it really fucking helps.
EDIT. Also, they will fuck with your sleep. They'll wake you up in the middle of a sleep cycle and make you recite military shit, at attention.
Woahtis: The Wiccan church at San Antonio was pretty cool, the Christ church just played REALLY sad country music about sending letters from war. In Wiccan church we did crafts.
black_rabbit: And take your boots off!
| 7 | 10.428571 | |
1375921863 | 1375928323 | null | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: TIFU By ending up at a drug dealers house.
So it all started out like a normal night, hanging out with some close friends at a car/bike show. We were all having a good time till the Vagos and Hells Angels got into a bit of a fight and we decided to leave. A random guy pulls my friend and I aside asking us if we wanted to chill at his place, he said he had a pool and a bunch of guitars so we said "Hey why the hell not?" We follow him back to his place in our car to be greeted with a wall of Marshall amps when we walk in the door. We then proceed to the back yard where he has a huge pool and a nice rat rod so we start to think to ourselves "How the fuck did this guy get all this stuff." We then asked him what his job was and he said that he was a welder....we both called bullshit on that and decided to snoop around the house a bit and I found 3 **HUGE** jars of weed, just then my friend comes back from the bathroom ad tells me there are marijuana clippings everywhere. We try and leave only to discover the front door was locked with a key which our newly discovered friend had. He continued to show us a good time but wouldn't let us leave till my friend threw up in his pool from stress. The guy got pissed and kicked us out after that event and we went home to see a Prius swerving all over the damn highway.
TL;DR Got trapped at drug dealers house and friend threw up in pool
Maelyn717: Right.
okami-oni: Believe me I know how it sounds but I have 3 people who can back me up on it.
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1375925569 | 1376011816 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | willdapod: TIFU by nearly breaking my spine
So I went to a party and after about 5 hours some people were really drunk, I don't drink so I found it all hilarious and around this point someone had the brilliant idea to go the park. It had been raining so everything was slippy and I being the only fully sober one thought it would be brilliant to slide down the slide. Once I started going I realised that I wasn't going fast enough so I stood up to get off and slipped fell straight on my back, after the initial smash I can't remember anything but everyone there said I jumped up with the speed of a lighting bolt ran screaming in pain for about 20 metres and collapsed on the floor in pain. The next thing I remember was lying on the floor in agony and making sure I could move my toes. Everyone else found it hilarious, and now I can barely walk but walked back to the party, stayed there for another 20 minutes and went home in pain.
TL;DR The only sober person at a party hurts themselves the most, so always drink kids
NotNotNotAMethAddict: Seek medical attention.
Eventhorizzon: now
willdapod: So I took your advice and rang my uncle who's a doctor just because I hate going to actual doctors surgeries, he said that I have probably bruised my spine or something like that. So it's not as bad as I first thought and should leave no lasting damage. Thanks reddit for scaring me into getting help.
Eventhorizzon: Spine damage is nothing to mess with man! glad its not worse!
| 5 | 6.2 | |
1375932547 | 1375948645 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU This may be more of Did I Fuck Up? I don't think there is a sub for that
I Gorilla Glued my broken crown into my mouth that I've had repaired a few times now by my dentist. It keeps breaking off and I'm tired of paying to have it fixed. The Gorilla Glue seems to be working. Three days. So, did I fuck up? Am I going to be toxic-ally poisoned? Am I going to have it break off again and be unrepairable?
scrndude: It's not a sub, it's called yahoo answers.
Midnight_Gaze: How often do you get a serious answer on there?
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1375931937 | 1376034812 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | karmajuney: TIFU by locking myself outside of the house overnight
his didn't actually happen today, this happened about a year ago. I lived in the middle of nowhere and I had only one neighbor who spoke Russian so I had no communication with anyone. I'm just having an ordinary day and my parents are out at some work party thing about 50 miles away I had the whole night to myself. I look outside and notice how nice of a day it is and decide to go for a walk. After my small walk I go to open the door but soon realize that the door is locked. Inside I could see my phone sitting right on the counter so I had pretty much no communication to anyone. I went to my neighbors house hoping I could use some sign language or something to explain the situation and ask If i could use their phone but of course, they weren't home. I literally sat outside my house, hoping my neighbors would arrive. At 10:00PM I thought "Fuck it, lets just climb through the window." All the windows on the first floor are locked so I climb onto my roof via my porch. Luckily the motion light turned on. On my roof I jumped onto my Juliet balcony and tried that door and receive the same disappointing result. Frustrated I opened my small window, barely enough for me to squeeze my body in. Now apparently my neighbors arrived just in time to see me, in the spot light, climb into my window at 10PM. They called the cops and the police are at my house in less than 5 minutes. I was in the middle of a Battlefield 3 match so they entered my room to hear gunshots and screams coming from my TV. I also had about an eighth of pot sitting right on my desk (they didn't notice, thank god). They asked me questions and asked me to please call my mom. Of course my mom flipped out after hearing "Hey mom...so they cops are here to talk to you" But everything got sorted out and they finally left leaving the rest of the night to myself.
TL;DR- Got locked out, climbed through window, neighbors called police, almost got arrested
packetOFfries: What state do you live in?
karmajuney: Upstate NY
packetOFfries: And your only neighbours speak just Russian?
LegendaryPrimate: Upstate NY actually has a very large Eastern European population. They also often don't speak English because they live in such a rural area.
Tl;dr, it's entirely plausible
packetOFfries: The more you learn!
| 6 | 3.333333 | |
1375940597 | 1375994703 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,026 | elfa82: TIFU by trying to bug my wife
I had just got out of the bath while my wife was in bed using the laptop. As I walked to the cupboard to grab a towel, she whistled at me in a taunting cat call kind of way. Since I was soaking wet, I decided that I was going to go and give her a big hug and get her wet. As I half danced, half skipped across the floor, she realized what was about to happen. At the last minute, she stuck her foot out to intercept me.
I tried to stop, but my momentum, the wood floor and my sopping wet feet decided otherwise. I slid into the night stand, with both of my feet sliding underneath. The top of my foot got a small cut, and I feel like I twisted my ankle. Couple this with the fact that my upper body hit her foot and I feel backwards. I landed on my wrist, with my elbow jabbing into my ribs. My 6 yo son came bursting into the room to protect his mom and make sure she was okay. Upon seeing my naked and writhing in pain on the floor, he decided to jump on me to teach me a lesson about teasing my wife. He landed right on my spine and hurt my back.
Now I am laying in the other room, my ankle hurts, my wrist hurts, my ribs hurt and my back hurts. My wife and son are still laughing at me from my bed.
TL;DR: Tried to soak my wife, ended up slipping, falling and bruising more than my ego.
frax109: Didn't come off too bad. Had a friend bug his missus. She stabbed him in the arm with a steak knife.
crazedgremlin: Oh yeah, well I once knew a man named John Bobbit...
wardrich: You win.
CuntSnatcheroo: /thread
TBS_: This isn't 4chan.
wardrich: But the conversation is still threaded, thus the comment is still valid.
TBS_: Which doesn't change that it's a shitty and unoriginal comment which contributes nothing.
[deleted]: Someone's in a mood.
TBS_: meh, you don't have to be angry to make it look that way on the internet.
CuntSnatcheroo: I prefer to call it *man*struation
TBS_: omg that's such a shitty and unoriginal comment which contributes nothing.
CuntSnatcheroo: Well why don't you get some vagisil to clear up that irritated vagina of yours
MRSIII: Stop while you're ahead man.
| 14 | 73.285714 | |
1375942190 | 1375991900 | null | t5_2to41 | 167 | TheBigDsOpinion: TIFU and got my testicles stuck. Out of curiosity, I removed the screw on top to one of those 60 pieces of gum containers, and put my testicles inside it to jack off. Now its stuck, and hurts too bad to pull it off. Help me please.
UPDATE: Well, it's free. Sank my junk into a mop bucket of COLD water, then was able to wiggle it out.
[NSFW Image](http://www.reddit.com/r/cringepics/comments/1jxw3g/nsfw_got_my_junk_stuck_in_a_gum_container_lid/)
UPDATE 2: Wow, 78% of people like my junk. I think this qualifies as an awesome moment in my life.
surfrock66: Just a heads up, this guy is an actual genius:
http://www.reddit.com/r/casualiama/comments/1jt6jq/i_was_a_gifted_student_through_high_school_and/
//sorry for throwing you under the bus :(
TheBigDsOpinion: Haha, no problem, I chose not to make a throwaway. I was waiting for this. I have said it before in other comments: I have no shame and don't feel the need to hide anything ever. So yes, I am an "actual genius", and yes, I got my balls stuck while trying to have fun with them.
surfrock66: :) if it helps...surfrock66 is my online identity everywhere...google it and ally my dirty laundry airs out. I'm fairly certain I've commented on /r/cumsluts and /r/girlsfinishingthejob on this as well.
TheBigDsOpinion: Yes, these are some of my favourite places to go too. I don't think I've ever commented, but usually my hands are busy, and afterwards all I'm feeling is shame and regret, and an urge to do it again. I was on [/r/NSFW_Gifs](http://www.reddit.com/r/NSFW_GIF/) last night.
surfrock66: So you and I have the same reddit haunts...were both engineering students that hated school...were both in gifted programs...I have a beard, and am categorically chaotic neutral...am I your evil twin?
TheBigDsOpinion: I am a hairy man, and when I was away from my girlfriend for weeks at a time working in a work camp I would grow out a big hermit-wolverine beard. Now that I'm home I'm required to shave it. I would have to say I'm Neutral good. so Maybe O.O
surfrock66: THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE
http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view3/4647002/there-can-be-only-one-o.gif
TheBigDsOpinion: I can't even jack off without harming myself. Any attempt at a duel to the death would most likely go poorly for me.
surfrock66: Nothing good would...come of that?
| 10 | 16.7 | |
1375942697 | 1376016185 | null | t5_2to41 | 42 | MrMeatScience: TIFU by decorating the trees with turkey
Strictly speaking, this happened quite some years ago, but I think this will be appreciated here.
I was out camping with some friends in Virginia when I was about 16 years old. We had packed in our food, which in this case happened to be various canned things (notably, several varieties of Spam). Our frontal lobes being undeveloped at the time, we placed these SEALED cans of Spam onto the campfire and went for a walk while we waited for it to heat up. We got distracted while out and returned about an hour later, to see that our cans of food had assumed a mushroom-cloud-like shape as their boiling contents attempted to reach the outside world. In yet another feat of extremely foolish behavior, we decided it would be a fantastic idea to use a knife to put a tiny hole in the lids of the cans to let the steam vent out. I took the knife and popped a hole in the lid of the turkey Spam. The resulting mess was one of the strangest sights ever seen by man.
The turkey Spam had become so pressurized that it too went through the pinhole-sized exit in the can, the steam carrying its contents high into the air, streamers of turkey Spam adorning the trees above us like some sort of twisted party decoration. Being irresponsible teens once more, we bailed to avoid having blame pinned on us. No idea what poor soul had to clean that up, and after how many days. Do animals eat Spam?
TL;DR Effectively vaporized turkey and coated the surrounding trees with it.
spankyitus: That's how you get bears.
MrMeatScience: I guess a bear would probably have the drive to climb a tree for some turkey streamers.
| 3 | 14 | |
1375954758 | 1375960614 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | NinetyTwo92: TIFU by getting up too fast.
So as I was laying down on the couch in the living room after a full meal I started to doze off and ended up falling asleep. I was woken up by my parents telling me to get up and that some of our family was in the drive-way. I was still pretty much sleeping and really didn't want to see anyone, let alone having to get up and sit with them. So I jumped up as fast as I could to go upstairs to my room. This is where it all started. I guess I got up too fast because now I feel like I am INSANELY drunk. I am so nauseous and about to throw up any second. The worst thing about all of this is that I have a concert I planned on going to tonight for weeks. I am also leaving on a trip tomorrow. FUCK MY LIFE. It has been an hour since this has happened, and I have no idea when it's going to stop.
EDIT: Just threw up like I never threw up before in my life.
packetOFfries: At least you got a story out of it,
NinetyTwo92: I would much rather have preferred that I got a "I got caught masturbating", "I came all over my room", or "I shit myself" story then this. But I guess you're right.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1375943668 | 1375976700 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | ScottBancroft1: TIFU by eating too quickly
So this isn't necessarily *today* but about 4 months ago. I was sitting down to eat lunch at school with my friend and a girl that I like. That day we had turkey and gravy over mashed potatoes for lunch. I fucking love turkey-gravy day so I was eating quickly as I usually do. Although this day was different: I hadn't had breakfast that morning so I was extra hungry.
I kicked it into Hoover vacuum mode and ate so quickly that the food could not get down my throat quick enough. I then coughed up a whole bunch of turkey and somehow it got lodged in my nose. Then I go into a panic because I am unsure of what the hell is happening. Before I can even run to the restroom or even pick up a napkin, the pepper that was on the turkey makes me sneeze a snot/turkey/mashed potato concoction all over the table, my friend, his food, and of course the girl that I really like.
Tl:dr: Was eating my lunch too fast, and sneezed it all over a girl I like.
TheRealMrMo: "Hoover vacuum mode" made me thinking about this [NSFW](http://www.reddit.com/r/videos/comments/1jvev4/orgasm_war_nsfw_japanese_gameshow/) .
I imagine the sounds were pretty the same.
ScottBancroft1: Yea they kinda were lol
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1375964054 | 1376184252 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,211 | kingofvodka: TIFU by trying to meet a friend for lunch
So yesterday I was chatting to my friend on facebook. We hadn't met up in a while, so we made plans to go get lunch together at 12 the following day (today).
So 12 arrives, I'm at the meetup place, she's not there. So I decide to send her a text. But I made a typo.
I meant to send "are we eating?". Instead I send "are we dating?"
Her: "lol no"
Me: "...why not?"
Her: "Because you're my friend"
Me: "What?"
Bear in mind I still didn't know what I sent. That came later. In my mind I'd turned up to our meet, asked what's up, and she outright laughed and told me she was blowing me off. It was really out of character for her, so I phoned her.
Before I could say anything, she launches into her friendzone speech about how I'm a great guy and everything, but she just doesn't see me that way. I was so confused; it took us like ten minutes to figure out that I'd made a typo.
This happened about an hour ago, and I don't know whether to laugh or cry at how awkward that was.
deersucker: Oh man, I'm seriously glad anytime a TIFU doesn't end in pooped pants, serious injury or death. This is actually hilarious, now you can call her out on how she could have ever thought you were into her. Flip the script, as they say, let her have a taste of her own medicine.
GO1NGD0WN: >death
I have yet to read a TIFU that ends in death.
derajydac: Closest one I've seen was some old mate eating the brain matter of his deceased friend.
neko_loliighoul: Or the girl that fell out of the car and rolled across three lanes of traffic whilst vomiting
theshinepolicy: Link ?
GO1NGD0WN: Holy shit that is sick just thinking about!^^Link ^^please?
neko_loliighoul: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/16j9f4/tifu_by_falling_out_of_a_moving_vehicle_while/
GO1NGD0WN: Hahaha that's fucked up, I shouldn't be laughing.
neko_loliighoul: yeah, lol.
| 10 | 121.1 | |
1375978555 | 1375998741 | null | t5_2to41 | -67 | TiFu_Prairie: TIFU at my promotion meeting for a high salary position..[NSFW]
So my me,my boss, my manager, and 8 others being promoted were sitting around our big conference table, the meeting felt like it was taking hours and I was just waiting for someone from FUCKING HEAD OFFICE to get around to reading my promotion status and shake my hand yadayada, so I (don't ask me why) started prairie dogging it. Just teasing it in and out. *shudders*. And I sneezed. The worst part was I was wearing a skirt. One of those dress skirts that go down to just past your knees. I can't go back to work..
edit: yes I shit myself
Soccadude123: Reset the counter!!!
TiFu_Prairie: pardonne moi?
iamMess: Resetting the counter is done everytime someone shits themselves.
TiFu_Prairie: Do I do that? / where is that done
iamMess: Hahaha :) No, it's just a saying, there really is no counter.
TiFu_Prairie: oh :P
TheoreticalPirate: Well, there WAS a counter in the sidebar but I think they got rid of it.
But yeah, if it was still there you wouldve reset it.
TiFu_Prairie: well consider the imaginary timer reset^reset^reset^reset^reset^reset!
ReadsSmallTextBot: >reset reset reset!
TiFu_Prairie: > reset^reset^reset!
King_Of_The_Squirrel: Would y'all please stop pooping yourselves?
| 12 | -5.583333 | |
1375977923 | 1375990963 | null | t5_2to41 | 91 | merchantco: TIFU by saying "I love you" to a girl I barely knew
For the first fourteen years of my life, I had very little social interaction. I was home-schooled, lived in a second world country, and had one true friend: my computer. One might call me a nerd, or perhaps a geek, but to me, I'm just socially inept. However, when I turned fifteen years old, my parents and I moved to Canada. There, I would have great experiences, meet new friends, learn life lessons, and fuck up. Badly.
A few months after I moved to Canada, my parents sent me to a French summer camp. They wanted me to learn French as soon as possible, and they thought that sending me to a camp where everyone spoke French was a good idea. Alas, the combination of too much social interaction, girls, and not understanding the main language at the camp brought me to an ultimate "TIFU" moment.
The summer camp was only five days long. On the first day, I met a girl (I'll call her "Helen", but that's not her real name) who seemed to take some interest in me. She was constantly staring at me, and whenever I noticed her she quickly looked away. I approached her a couple of times (with my shitty French), and by the third day, I knew her name, age, preferences, etc. Man, I was blazing the track here! I was approaching a girl who was in a totally different league - smart, pretty, funny - and she seemed to like me, too!
On the fifth day, I met her and one of her friends (I'll call that friend "Kathy", but again, that's not her real name) during lunch break. Kathy was talking with Helena in French, so I couldn't understand them. However, a boy translated what Kathy was saying to me. She was saying that I was beautiful and she wanted to flirt with me! Even though she wasn't the girl that I was interested in (Helen), I couldn't help but grin. Damn, I'm not socially incompetent after all! Girls are all over me, and I'm swimming in fucking pussy! But that was when I fucked up...
Helen joked to me (in her shitty English) that I had to choose between her and Kathy. "Oh shit" I thought. If I said that I preferred Helen, Kathy would get upset and vice versa. So I told Helen that she is beautiful, and I love her. 'Cause I'm an idiot, and I wasn't thinking. Kathy started crying, and left the lunch table in a hurry. Then, Helen got mad at me for upsetting Kathy (her best friend), and left the table, too. Worst of all, there were four boys sitting around me who witnessed it. The boy who translated Kathy's remark for me was laughing his guts out.
Later that day, Helen looked apologetic, but there was no way I could ask her for contact information. So I left the summer camp without a way to contact Helen, and without my pride. That's how I fucked up...
phazs: Classic schmoesby.
GodComplexGuy: DAMMIT, I WAS TOO LATE
| 3 | 30.333333 | |
1375981723 | 1375985316 | null | t5_2to41 | 37 | pesh527: TIFU by spilling deer piss on myself
I was reminded about a fuck up of mine from a year ago by a [comment] (http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1jw8gy/tifu_by_trying_to_piss_while_biking/cbjfm4l) on the [TIFU by trying to piss while biking] (http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1jw8gy/tifu_by_trying_to_piss_while_biking/) post. Thanks for the reminder! I hope you all enjoy laughing at my expense.
It was April of last year. I had just gotten to work at 9am. I hate to admit it but I worked at Walmart (you know... the social stigma that comes with working at Walmart). The assistant manager delegated an important task to me. She wanted me to set up an area of clearance items near the entrance of the store. Most of the items were up there all ready, I just had to put them on display and make it look nice.
I was rather excited that she had given me the task (it was a break in the routine), and I was eager to prove myself, as I was still relatively new. I like to do a good job, and I always take my job seriously, even at crappy retail jobs.
So I start putting the stuff away on some shelves. Normal stuff. Cosmetics. Shampoo. Toys. Clothes. Then I opened this one box and I had no idea what it was. I looked at the bottle. [*Special Golden Estrus?*] (http://imgur.com/a/9j4BK) what the fuck is this? The other stuff in the box was from the sporting goods section, so I assumed it was related to hunting. (Side note: I live in a coastal section of New Jersey where hunting is not very popular. I've never gone hunting, much less held a gun. So I'm clueless about this stuff.)
Since the packaging had a hole in it to hang it up, I started hanging them on an appropriate hanger. Well one of the hanger thingies was weak and didn't have the strength to hold it up, and the package fell.
*Clunk.*
I picked it up and immediately realized it had broken, there was a puddle, and it started getting on my hands, so I put it back down. As I was bent down that was when the smell hit me.
**It smelled like a dirty zoo mixed with horse manure.**
I hacked out a few coughs and went to get a safety cone and the janitor. That poor janitor. My only solace was that he had probably dealt with worse, since he works at Walmart.
I go wash my hands and start looking for the janitor. As I walk through the store, I noticed that the zoo smell is still in the air. I'm no where near the spill.... I find the janitor and bring him to the spill. I apologize profusely for putting him through the trouble. He says it's ok, he's dealt with worse (like poop in the bike section?!), and says I should go clean up. I said I did already. He points to my pants. I look down. It had splashed all over my pants. *Fuck.* Now *I* smell like a dirty zoo. I fit right in with some of the Walmart customers. *sigh*.
I go look for the other assistant manager on duty (for the earlier one had gone home) and ask to go home and change and shower. She agrees. I roll my eyes as I clock out about an hour after clocking in for the day... I rush home and do so. I scrubbed so hard. Told my mom to wash my clothes a few times, left my shoes on the porch to air out.
I got back to work about 45 minutes later and since the area that the spill happened wasn't very well ventilated... the smell was still there. I heard customers commenting on the smell and complaining. I tried resuming my work in the area to finish putting the merchandise out, but I couldn't, it was so overwhelming that I wanted to gag. One of the cart pushers asked what the smell was, and I told him what happened. He told me that stuff is deer attractant. I said, "oh, no, I left my shoes on the porch to air out.... The area that I live in is so densely populated that I don't think deer are a problem though anyway."
I went back to the assistant manager to tell the other assistant manager why exactly I hadn't finished my task. Which she never did. So the next time I was at work I had to explain why the clearance section wasn't done, and fortunately she was very understanding.
I couldn't get the smell out of my shoes for months and the smell came out of my clothes after 3 or 4 washes.
edit: spelling
kicksmalone: It's never a good Tifu story without shit or urine.
pesh527: Usually it's someone's own shit or urine. So I really out did myself here.
kicksmalone: Hey, at least your potty training stayed with you, unlike a surprising amount of people here.
| 4 | 9.25 | |
1375984780 | 1376619721 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | jurlol12: TIFU by no paying attention while pooping
So my story begun early this morning. It was around 2 am when it happened. I was still using my laptop and my phone chatting with friends because I just returned from a 3 week vacation. Suddenly I felt the urge to poop. Not that uncommon but still. I decided to take my phone with me so that I could continue the conversations I had. When all the way downstairs (I sleep in the attic) I sat down and began to drop the old poopenfloopers. As I was busy doing my duty most attention went to my phone. I was done with 10 min but remained at the toilet for 20min because it was so comfy and I was too lazy to get up 2 stairs again. So when I finally left the bathroom I hadn't even looked at my poo, just wiped my white ass and thought all was fine. Around an hour later when I finished my last conversation and was about to go to sleep I felt something. I felt something, between my cheeks. It was near my anus. It was itching with a slight sense of pain. So the first thing I did of course was walk to my mirror, turn on the light, turn around and spread my butt cheeks. When I finally saw what it was I was just disappointed in myself. There was a pile the size of a large bean just sitting next to the side of my anus. Apparently I pushed too hard and some of my insides came along. It was itching and I had no clue what to do. After a few minutes of inspection i walked down to the bathroom to look for something to putt on it. Of course I couldn't find anything at 3 am so the most logical thing to do was to wake up my parents. They weren't to happy about it and just send me to bed saying were going to take care of it first thing in the morning.
So this morning they told me to wash it with cold and hot water so it will shrink; didn't help at all. A couple of minutes later my mother remembered that you should apply ice to it. So here I am typing with 3 ice cubes in a small plastic bag pushing against my anus while I am typing.
So remember kids: pay attention while pushing your poop or other stuff will come out too!
EDIT: I have acquired ointment for my HEMROIDES, nothing worse. It's called triANAL :/
Tyrionsnow: You have to go to a coloproctologist, that my dear friend is a hemroide.
Source: My dad is a coloproctologist
Brian9816: A poo doctor?
Tyrionsnow: We see it more like an exhaust pipe doctor
| 4 | 8.75 | |
1375997861 | 1376005548 | null | t5_2to41 | 113 | The_Lolbster: TIFU by telling my boss, "you're a big boy, you can do it"
I... I just don't know what came over me. It was totally innocent context, but he was mocking me for something, so I mocked back.
Instant regret.
belatwk76: Hey, if he was being condescending, he deserved it!
The_Lolbster: He was mocking me about not knowing how to do something on an Apple computer, as I only really use PC. Later, when he couldn't figure something out on Apple, I interjected with, "you're a big boy, you can do it."
He was very upset, but brushed it off quickly. He didn't mock me for anything else, so I imagine that he realized it was just retaliatory.
I still feel like I should apologize, but it is very likely that I will not.
T_at: Don't be such a pussy - mock him some more. Bosses love that shit.
Damnit_Take_This_One: And if they don't they won't be your boss!
| 5 | 22.6 | |
1375996727 | 1376019433 | null | t5_2to41 | 153 | Lahmfan31: TIFU by raging too hard
For Context, whenever my phone rings, I lose internet. I really should get it fixed, but am too lazy.
Anyways, I was playing League of Legends when someone decided to call. I didn't know the number, so I just let it ring. Nbd, I just waited a minute and continued my game. They continued to call for the next 10 minutes, and caused me to die a couple of times. On like the 5th call, I died, and out of anger I slammed my fist on my laptop. It froze and wouldn't restart. Ironically, they didn't call again after that.
LegendaryPrimate: Relevant lifehack:
If you lose Internet when your phone rings, and you are using a wireless connection, chances are that your phone handset (I assume you use a wireless phone, because you type to well to be an actual dinosaur) operates on the same frequency as your router. The signals interfere with each other, causing shitty interweb connection.
Cheapest fix is probably just a $25 ethernet cable so you don't have to use your wifi connection when playing games. Alternatively, buy a new handset or router that operates on a different frequency.
[deleted]: Hah. Nerd
Ender0610: *Person who will own a multibillion-dollar electronics company within thirty years
[deleted]: Lol because this man has an understanding of how radio and frequencies behave under interference you suddenly assume he's going to be a billionaire?
Ender0610: You were joking. So was I.
Silver_Star: ['Joking'](http://i.imgur.com/aaODnol.jpg)
Wolliver: Thank you for that.
| 8 | 19.125 | |
1375990957 | 1376036125 | null | t5_2to41 | 52 | MasterFasth: TIFU by greeting my neighbour
So I've been to Switzerland for a week, and got home yesterday, and we didn't give them much warning that we were leaving.
Well, today I went out to buy some groceries, and I took my bike as I'm wont to do when I go shopping.
When on the way home, just on on the slope up towards the apartment building, I notice my neighbour from the door across the hall from me getting out of their car. Here's where I mess up.
My dumb self saw it as a good idea to wave at them, since I was listening to music. On a bike. Going up a slope.
I end up crashing the bike and fall flat on my face.
Good news: No broken bones, my face is intact and the groceries are ok.
Bad news?
Well, I have a cut on my hand from trying to shield myself from the fall (neighbour supplied me with a bandaid :D), and the back wheel on my bike is fucked, as are the brakes on that wheel, so I'll have to take it to the local bike shop this week to get it fixed.
**TL;DR:** Waved at my neighbour while biking, ended up with a broken bike.
Edit: Words and stuff.
Daiephir: *Brakes.
And thats not too bad, you could've done that going down a slope, which would have been a fair bit worse.
MasterFasth: At least then I would have been able to keep my balance, but since I was going uphill, I was putting quite a lot of weight on each push, and letting go with one hand took away the counter-weight.
Daiephir: Oh yeah, I didn't think about the actual pushing part, I think I need to bike more lol.
MasterFasth: You should, it's a great workout, and you don't have any payments to make for gas.
Daiephir: Unfortunately, I live in Canada, I need a car for everyday things since I don't live any where near a major city thats also reachable by bike in any decent time and/or not arriving sweating and stinking to my destination. So I drive everywhere.
| 6 | 8.666667 | |
1376002467 | 1376018234 | null | t5_2to41 | 73 | kinger97: TIFU by taking a break
So I work at a small nursery. There are usually 3-4 guys working outside, and 3 girls working in the store. During the springtime, this is a pretty cool job, loading plants, trees, shrubs, mulch, whatever. I don't get a lot of boring down-time. But come summer, those words could not be more false. I work 8 hour days every shift, and I would say for about 1 of those 8 hours, I am being productive (this is not by choice, there is literally just next to nothing to do. Everyone knows it.) But every once in a while the owner comes in, and when he is in (which is alerted by a few code words over the radio ("The cashew is on the window sill")), we all must act like we are doing something. Seriously, anything, or he'll tell you you are not needed today and send you home. I need money so don't ask why I don't just act like I'm doing nothing to go home. So because of this, we all usually make sure we are able to get busy within seconds at all times, so we can't really just go sit inside because he could just walk in and trap you without time for you to get out unnoticed.
So I figured something out. In the back of the nursery there is a [bed of skip laurels](http://static.squarespace.com/static/50ead4dde4b0e6a1b5e48157/t/517d1ec0e4b077614f1397ec/1367154370773/Skip%20Laurel%202-1.jpg) that are each about 5-6 ft. tall, which butts up against the property line that a fence seals off. This bed is a maze, I tell you. So much cover, it's not even funny. So a few months back I casually put a block of wood back in the thicket of the laurels so that when I get tired (or bored. mostly bored) I can go sit there, relax, text, check out Reddit, whatever. I have never been walked up on or anything, it's pretty far back and in the corner of the nursery.
Today I was doing my thing, sitting on the block, texting some friends, making plans for later, and on the other side of about 3 skip laurels, all of a sudden I hear "Yeah! That's what I told him!! He doesn't understand. The dog needs to be neutered, there's no other choice!"
Scared the *hell* out of me. So I lower my head and look under the skip laurels and see feet. It was Alpherd!!! Okay, Alpherd isn't his real name, but let's just say it is.
Let me tell you a bit about Alpherd. Don't worry, the story climaxes soon, so bear with me.
Alpherd is a big fella who works with me, with a round belly, always hanging out of his tucked in shirt, which is fastened 2 notches too tight by his leather belt. He has long white-ish-grey hair, and a big white beard that hangs about 12 inches down, and grows up around his lips to complete it with a mustache. He has a deep, loud, roaring voice (and laugh), and uses it a lot. I swear, the dude is Saint Nicholas in another body. He's kind of a clumsy guy. Once he was backing up in the parking lot and hit a customer's car and did some good damage. That was a mess.
So now that you've gotten to know Alpherd, here's where it gets interesting (for you, definitely not me.) I'm sitting there on the wood block, after I realized he was on the phone talking about his dog or something- and he didn't sound happy- hoping that he just finishes up his phone call and goes back to the parking lot. But no, that'd be *wayyy* to easy for me, and [fuck me, right?](http://i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/419/124/515.jpg) So he's pacing back and forth, 5 feet away from me, but out of sight, and I'm just waiting to see what happens. Nothing good happens. He starts walking around the skip laurels in between him and I, to where I was sitting, and I'm like *shit, what do I do??* My only reaction was to dive in the group of skip laurels that were once in between us (I made sure to be quiet, and he was talking loudly as usual so he didn't hear me). I was in the most awkward position in there. Like seriously, I think I seriously messed up my neck... He walks around to where I was, next to the block, and at this point he's off the phone, but just looking at the laurels (literally 4 feet in front of me, I can't believe he didn't see me). He starts sketchily looking around, and here it comes. I see his legs spread, one foot up on MY block, and I hear a *zip*, followed by a *psssssssss*. Yeah. He started pissing.
Now you might be thinking, hey Kinger97, why didn't you just wait til he finished pissing and walked away, then gotten out of there? Well, I was fortunate enough to be out of the line of sight of his piss stream, but the angle trajectory was perfect such that his piss was bouncing off a rock, INTO MY FACE. Swear to God. I turned my head immediately, but it still got on the back of my neck and shirt. He proceeds to zip back up, look around once more, and walk away. I proceeded to go to the store, change my shirt, and hate my life.
Never try to skip out on work, even if there is no work to do.
**TL;DR i sat on a log and got pissed on by santa clause**
Ryan94985: So you're a terrible employee. You slack off whenever possible. You're employed by a small business owner who probably can't afford to pay you much, but he does his best. You sit in the back and text your loser friends all day.
Today you got pissed on. Serves you right.
aznkriss133: http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m2hje4QrON1rnrxvuo6_400.gif
| 3 | 24.333333 | |
1376005550 | 1376016680 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by having D as the hotkey for taking screenshots
Well this started about late March but I only noticed it today, I constantly use fraps to check my framerate in games and even when I don't use it I forget to turn it off.
Today I was going to check on my old screenshots and noticed that there are little over 57000 screenshots and the folder is almost 9 GB.
Damnit_Take_This_One: Do you consider breaking the yolk of an egg a fuck-up too?
MrMeatScience: There are times that it could be.
| 3 | 1 | |
1376011473 | 1376070285 | null | t5_2to41 | 122 | sertanli: TIFU by bringing a bag of skittles and arizona iced tea to a work party
We were celebrating bosses birthday and a couple of us were going out to buy some snacks for the party. I went in and bought a huge bag of skittles, some beer and a big, plastic cheezeball barrel. While I was going up to the front, I realized that I didn't get anything for people who don't drink alcohol. The closest thing to the front was arizona iced tea. I got about 20 cans of it and put it on the company card. I got back and set everything up and the party started. 5 minutes into it, our secretary Jazmine shouts, "IS THIS SOME KIND OF FUCKING JOKE!?"
I put the arizona iced tea, and skittles on a smaller serving table by themselves without thinking about it. Some co-workers had already been talked to by HR for voicing controversial opinions on this case while it was happening. Most of it had just died down. HR Jeff sits me down and goes over the whole racism of the case and why these jokes aren't appropriate. He doesn't believe that it was a coincidence. I'm let off with a warning but now the whole office thinks I'm racist and Jazmine flips me off when I pass by her desk (if I'm alone).
**So TIFU by accidentally buying a bag of skittles and arizona iced tea and placing them next to each other.**
StaticVulture: Who the fuck sees skittles and arizona tea and immediately thinks "racist!"
Seriously, some people will take any chance to play the race card and that bitch is obviously one of them...
Ceredirond: It's because of the whole Zimmerman and trayvon thing..
FercPolo: The sensationalism of people looking for any reason to take offense and play the victim card. I'm sickened by these scum who want to turn Trayvon's fate into their own personal "I'm a victim too" card.
Fuck all of the people that do this. He's dead, he certainly doesn't want your fucking theater. And I'm pretty sure Zimmerman, who was found not guilty, doesn't appreciate it either.
isitoriginal: Umg but we're all trayvon. /s
| 5 | 24.4 | |
1376008944 | 1376064695 | null | t5_2to41 | 834 | DramaDramaLlama: TIFU by pissing on my boyfriend
My boyfriend dislocated his knee over the weekend while he was out visiting me (we have a long-distance relationship). Since his knee is mostly okay and we're not about to let some quality bang-time go to waste, we've been coming up with creative positions for sex so that he doesn't have to move his leg.
One of these positions entails me laying across his chest in a sort of upside down 69. He decided to use the vibrator today. He's getting me close to climax and, since he knows I squirt sometimes, he was getting prepared for a possible onslaught of epic cum-portions. I start to climax and instead of cum, I squirt piss out onto his chest as I orgasm. I run into the bathroom to clean up as he lays on the bed laughing his dick off.
tl;dr Always pee before sex.
Edit: [The incident](http://imgur.com/Wlu8bSS)
[deleted]: You usually have to pay extra for that
AvastYeUpboat: $300 extra.
Spacinfreak: You would know, you dirty fuck.
[deleted]: He read about it on the internet
Spacinfreak: ...and how can you be so sure?
[deleted]: i showed him the link on /r/spacedicks
This_one_was_taken: That thread is just bizarre. Who actually enjoys that shit?
[deleted]: /r/spacedicks? i only go there if i need to be reminded that the world is not full of butterflies, pretty ponys, and cotton candy clouds.
DaRalf: ... You mean a simple visit to /r/all doesn't solve that for you?
[deleted]: no...im a special kind of fucked up
timetraveler1912: I'm a fucked up kind of special.
| 12 | 69.5 | |
1376017748 | 1376981455 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | yellowsnowstorm: tifu by accidentally stealing a customers meth
I work retail. I hope he doesn't complain.
Duderino316: We need more details.
yellowsnowstorm: There was a guy trying shoes on. He left his keys sitting on the bench the whole time he was shoe shopping and then he disappeared elsewhere in the store while I was doing stuff in another part of the section and his keys were just sitting there the whole time, but I was basically keeping an eye on them until he got back.
It was a few minutes to the end of my shift so I grabbed the keys to take them to customer service. I pick them up and start walking with when and notice a bronze pill container attached to it. I specifically thought to myself that drugs are kept in these. I was hoping it was some good weed. When I opened it up it was full of empty looking rolled up tiny plastic baggies, I stuffed them in my pocket because I was in a main isle and went to get a better look and I saw the crystals and quickly stuffed it all back in the container and went to customer service and was waiting for another customer to leave before I told the customer service attendant.
Right at the last minute the guy walked up to the counter, I just handed him his keys and clocked out. I get to my car, pulled out my bowl and weed and start to get ready to drive home, but I misplaced my weed for a minute so I reached in my pocket and grabbed a hold of a tiny baggy, I look at it and it was his fastest rock, I didn't even see it the first time I looked over his stash. I know he's pissed, at least he still has a little left in that container.
The-Stranger: So, was it good?
yellowsnowstorm: idk, can't find a buyer
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1376029889 | 1376153413 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to clean my keyboard.
So I started to clean my keyboard's insides by taking keys off one-by-one. [The only keys that couldn't somehow come back on were...](http://imgur.com/KXhXAe6)
This is saddening. No more games for me.
(legit, not made up.)
hxcrichard: Line them up properly, press reeeeaaaalllyyyy hard. Had this problem senior year. Wentto every computer lab and arranged keys into "class of 2013" and some keys would not go on at all
[deleted]: I know how to do it... after all, I put the others back on too! :)
hxcrichard: Lol, it was just abthought?
[deleted]: No idea what "abthought" means.
hxcrichard: a thought
sorry
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1376022975 | 1376072045 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | DrAvatar: TIFU by forgetting to change a word in my Cover Letter
I forgot to double check and left the wrong company's name in the body of the letter. Maybe they won't read it closely?
caged_for_ever: aaaaand you're not getting that job.. sorry pal...
DrAvatar: Maybe I didn't want the job subconsciously?
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1376056505 | 1376093980 | null | t5_2to41 | 919 | heylookbillsonline: TIFU by trying to save 2$ on airport parking
My sister recently took a trip to Cape Cod, but could only find a flight out of a nearby city which was about 2 hours away. She needed a ride because she doesn't have a car so I figured no problem, I'll drive her.
She was set to arrive back yesterday at 6 but I made great time and got to the airport at 5. The parking fees at the airport were determined by how long you had been parked, so I decided to chill out in a Holiday Inn parking lot next to the airport and just fuck around with my phone for 30 minutes.
After 10 minutes I think "Why don't I just hang out in the hotel lobby? They'll never know I don't have a room, and if they ask I'll tell them I'm waiting for a friend. It'll be much more comfortable than this hot sweaty car".
Things got weird really fast from this point. As soon as I enter the hotel I immediately notice how shitty it is. It's not rundown or dirty, it just looks bare, with no carpeting anywhere and not a person to be seen at the check-in desk. People are walking around but they're all hurried and middle-aged. It was odd but I took a seat in this big ass green chair and started to get comfortable. Not even ten seconds pass before I hear someone yelling "Excuse me sir! Can I help you?".
My heart was racing at this point because this hotel invasion was one of the most bad ass things I've ever done. I stammered over myself and told her I was waiting for a friend, and then she drops this on me:"I don't know if you noticed but this hotel isn't even open for business yet, I suggest you leave before we call the authorities and report you for trespassing".
I said "Y-y-ya caught me haha" and I scurried out of there with a red face dying of embarrassment. I ended up parking in the airport and it cost me $4.35, damn.
haswhatuneed: First rule of trespassing: Act like you belong there
SirDiego: This is true. For my job, I often have to work in secure areas (construction sites, sports stadiums, banks, etc) and people don't really ever question what I'm doing. As long as you look like you know what you're doing, people don't bug you.
Carnephex: Walk in with a coverall and a handbag full of tools and the all important clipboard and you're a fucking ghost.
Source, done it a lot both professionally and serving court papers.
Bacon_Donut: That's also a good way of stealing the buildings computers and furniture
MrDeadSea: I just talked to Jeff, you're getting brand new furniture here in 15 minutes. You, you, and you -- get this stuff downstairs to the car.
OceanRacoon: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8d-bM-Whsmk
| 7 | 131.285714 | |
1376068020 | 1376147937 | t3_1k0vvn | t5_2to41 | 6 | Sykotron: That's my opinion. Unless it's a brand new car or looks like it, I'd just make sure it's road legal and say fuck it. Just bullshit your mother until you're back at school and deal with it next time you're home (bullshit more.)
I don't know your situation, but I wouldn't want to waste so much money on something that's purely cosmetic.
Im_The_One: That's exactly what I said. But she's adamant about me getting it fixed.
Propyl_People_Ether: Is it your car, technically, or hers? If it's yours, she's got no leg to stand on.
(If it's hers, I'm sorry, dude.)
Im_The_One: Well I paid for the car but my parents pay the insurance. So its kinda both I guess...
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1376064029 | 1376075856 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | ottoscorzato: TIFU by trying to update my company's website
Oh God. There are so many layers to this story. It all started because my boss refuses to accept that our website is relatively easy to navigate and instead insists on trying to search for whatever he's looking for each time he gets on it. But because it's a Wordpress site, the default search function only searches "posts" and not the entire site. This is a known thing that drives people like me batty, but since most people don't search our site, I wasn't overly concerned.
Apparently my boss was. So this resulted in a kind of nasty email to me last night asking if I could "fix it" like it was broken.
So this morning I did some research trying to 1) be a good employee and 2) not ever get that email again cause it made me want to hit things. I found a plugin that worked with our cart system (woocommerce) that should solve the problem. Perfect! But some things will have to be updated first, including Wordpress. So I backup our whole site first, like I'm supposed to I guess, install all my shit and...OH NO.
When we built this website our designer created a custom theme and did kind of a hack job forcing the WooCommerce code into it so now that WooCommerce updated suddenly EVERYTHING IS AWFUL. Nothing works and half the page shows up as error code on every. single. product.
Okay. So this is bad. But I can fix it, right? I can restore from the backup I made before I updated! WRONG. There's a duplicate line of code (or something I don't totally understand the error message) so myPHPadmin won't accept the file. So basically I'm fucked. And now my boss has noticed it's broken and it's all he can talk about.
If I had just ignored his email or told him it couldn't be done I could have gone on my merry way and none of this would have happened and he probably would have forgotten it in a week. But I decided to try and be a good employee or something and now everything's broken.
TL;DR: I tried to update my company's website built on WP and now everything is awful and if I had just let my boss obsess over what wasn't a problem for a few days until he forgot and just ignored him it would have been fine. TIFU by taking initiative.
**UPDATE:** The original site designer had a backup folder of an outdated version of the plugin on her computer that we were able to replace on the FTP. Everything basically works again but I'm not touching anything for a while. So it's okay for now but I still wish I knew why it went so bad in the first place!
[deleted]: If you backed up the website, why did you even have to tell anyone?
ottoscorzato: Well restoring from the backup didn't work! I didn't know the designer had backed up the plugins on her computer but once I was at a loss for what else to do I emailed her. She's not in-house she's in TX I'm in NY.
[deleted]: Sorry your boss put you in that situation OP.
| 4 | 5 | |
1376062630 | 1376318861 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | kuntslayer: TIFU by blowing pot smoke directly into someones face
So I got a awesome dugout which helps with my public smoking. I like to smoke omw to work, I take the bus. So while I'm walking down the street maybe around 7:40ish am. Bust out my dugout and take a nice long drag, hold it for a few, and blew it out in a glorious cloud. Right into a passing runners face, he was running up the street behind me and due to my headphones in I never heard him coming. He never looked back, he never said a word.... he just kept running. Through my coughing I yelled "I'M SO SORRY" but he never looked back.....
TLDR: I blew pot smoke into a passing runner who never even acknowledged it
hxcrichard: Where do you live that smoking weed in public, even with a one hitter, wouldnt be a high risk?
d4ed4e: In most places it isn't a huge risk. It's not likely you'll just randomly pass a cop, walking, and it's not likely any person you walk by is gonna call the cops on you.
Where do you live that you think that is a big deal? Or are you just under the age of 18?
hxcrichard: Inkster, michigan. And im 19 and recently quit smoking
d4ed4e: No shit? I'm near Ann Arbor. I can't imagine it's a risk to walk around smoking in Inkster.
hxcrichard: Lmao, first person ive met on here close to me
and yea, the area i live in is Inkster/Dearborn Heights Border. So many cops, last night there was 7 gunshots on my street
d4ed4e: haha, same here. I dont talk much though.
but, I mean..welcome to metro detroit areas. it's just as bad in Ypsi too. At least, certain smaller parts of ypsi.
rvbjohn: I live in ypsi! So like... a sandwich. A smelly michigan sandwich
d4ed4e: Eheh, not to be strange, but I've probably been to your house/apartment/mud hut. For work.
rvbjohn: My house is in the upper percentage of houses in ypsi. Its got windows and running water and shit
d4ed4e: Ahahah, so you must live on/around River, north of Cross, but West of Prospect. Or south of Grove.
| 11 | 1.545455 | |
1376068120 | 1376261748 | null | t5_2to41 | 86 | this_raccoon: TIFU by implying I have sex dreams featuring Jennifer Lawrence
On a regular basis, I have pretty vivid dreams with a plot and characters and all.
Last week, I had this incredibly complex dream in which I (I'm a girl) had been kidnapped by an underground network that provided sex slaves to the rich and powerful. In the dream, Jennifer Lawrence had been kidnapped as well, and she was a character in the story which, surprisingly, contained very little actual sex.
So yesterday I was on the bus, talking on the phone with my fiancée. Things have been absolutely crazy at work, and because of double shifts and stress, I haven't been sleeping very well.
And then, at some point, I said the very misleading sentence: **"I haven't had a decent night's sleep since the sex slave thing with Jennifer Lawrence."**
I didn't yell this of course, but I guess a few people heard it, because heads turned, I got a SUPER awkward stare from the lady next to me, and the guy facing me looked at me with a huge smile on this face.
Of course I didn't launch into explanation about the dream and everything, so I just looked at the floor, red-faced, until I got to my stop, while the people around me thought I would like to have Jennifer Lawrence as a sex slave (which I would, but that's beside the point).
gerusz: Damn you, now *I'll* have dreams with sex-slave Jennifer Lawrence.
BRB, having a nap.
RnRaintnoisepolution: > BRB, having a fap.
FTFY.
ultimaxfeelgood: fap-nap.
| 4 | 21.5 | |
1376073171 | 1376184639 | null | t5_2to41 | 42 | emmattack: TIFU opening my mouth
This happened last night as I was walking home from a friend's house.
There is a trail that leads almost door-to-door to our houses and after a couple of beers, I started my walk home. We had smoked a joint before i left, so i had a good case of dry mouth going on. My nose is a bit stuffed from allergies, so my mouth was open to keep me breathing.
Cue disaster.
I went to inhale, as those of us who breathe would understand, and a bug flew into my mouth. Like, all the way in. And it got stuck to the hangy-ball thing at the back.
I had no saliva in my mouth and was trying to dry cough a bug out without swallowing it. I could feel it the entire time.
By some stroke of luck, I managed to get it out, but the damage had been done.
My hangy-ball will never be the same.
GalaxyGirl4: 'My hangy-ball' sounds much better than 'my uvula' XD
Narfachu: Not to be confused with perineum. Or frenulum.
GalaxyGirl4: Definitely not perineum. Thanks-_-
Narfachu: Glad I could be of service. My step dad use to call it a "yugulah". Thank god that's over with. Lol
GalaxyGirl4: Oh god, lol...
| 6 | 7 | |
1376088676 | 1376374081 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | 132131541654: TIFU by making it very clear to my friend that I have a massive stash of porn
So let's just give a bit of background here, I, like a lot of people, watch porn. The thing is, I have this nice sharp 1080p so I'm not going to watch some crappy low quality video. Instead, I am a member of a couple private torrent trackers for porn. This has resulted in me having quite a [big amount](http://imgur.com/PqQCsGg) of porn on my hard drive.
Me and a friend are currently working on a big project, one which involves computers. Now, my porn folder is hidden away quite well. The actual torrent files are not, since people looking around my computer folders is not a regular occurrence. So, I'm navigating to a file and mistakenly click on the folder with torrent files in it. Though the upper half of the screen contained folders like Music and Movies, the lower half was filled with, well, pretty descriptive titles.
It's important to note my friend's character. While most of my friends would laugh at such an incident, this friend is somewhat shy and I feel that such an incident could at least make our relationship somewhat weird. Feeling my heart sink, I clicked away as quickly as humanly possible, hoping that he hadn't managed to read the titles. There was no reaction on his face either.
Skip to a couple hours later, I see something pop up in my lower right corner. Up popped a "finished download" notification, telling me (us) that the download of [*pornstar name* *pornstar name* .... slut .... (I'm trying to not be too specific here). Again, with my heart dropping at the speed of light, I clicked it away in the blink of an eye but the chances of him seeing at least something in either of these incidents are obviously pretty damn big.
**tl;dr: showed shy friend massive porn collection. Showed him again in case he didn't see it the first time.
mtnbew: when do you have time to watch that much porn?
jjiminian: Seriously, 317 gigabytes is like over the top man.
toomuchpornsaved: well fuck. i have nearly 2 terabytes
[deleted]: What the fuck? Why??
[deleted]: When the zombies come, I'm going to be that guy.
| 6 | 5.5 | |
1376091965 | 1376620545 | null | t5_2to41 | 163 | Queen_Of_Farts: TIFU by snarting in class
So I was in chemistry class today, and I was stoked because it was my first class as a senior! Class of 2014, woo! I was all prettied up and dressed in my new school uniform, like in the animes. I was gonna make my last year of high school one to remember!
The teacher gave us a brief intro to the class, leaving us about ten minutes at the end to talk quietly amongst ourselves. None of my friends were in this class, so I just doodled in my notebook. Then I felt a sneeze coming on.
The sneeze was silent. The aftermath was not.
You know how rooms will occasionally experience a sudden, unexplainable silence now and then? One hit ours... just in time for me to unleash the loudest, longest, bassiest TOOT of my life. I’m thinking a 7.7 on the Richter scale. Basically, I did a kamehameha from my butt. My chair was blown to pieces as the force lifted me off the ground. I struggled to hold my skirt down, like a gross Marilyn Monroe. I watched as the poor soul directly behind me had her very flesh ripped from her bones by the blast. In the end, all that was left of my classmates were their shadows.
I exaggerate, but really, that was a harrowing poot. It lasted about three seconds, but felt like a lifetime.
Everybody was floored. It’s an all-girls school, so there isn’t really any public farting. I tried to feign innocence, but my luminescent blush betrayed me. I began to wonder if I could seppuku with my craft scissors. Would they believe me if I said my shoe squeaked on the floor? Maybe if it doesn’t sme- OH GOD IT SMELLS. My face felt so hot; I knew I was turning bright red.
My teacher crossed the room and turned on the vents they use to vent toxic fumes in case of a lab accident. The laughter was thunderous.
TL;DR Tried to make a good impression on my first day as a senior. I blew it.
yosoymilk5: At least you didn't shart.
[deleted]: shnart*
yosoymilk5: The trifecta.
trendkill3388: I pulled that one once. Thank God I was on the toilet already.
quadodon13: What's it called when you cough, fart, shit, and laugh?
Brian9816: A Shnartough
quadodon13: Sounds like a creature I don't want to mess with
| 8 | 20.375 | |
1376079791 | 1376340445 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | edgward: expecting my first business trip to go okay
So I've been working with this company for over 2 years. Almost everyone in my office goes to see clients in different states, I only ever made conference calls, so last week end my boss calls me after 5 on Friday to let me know that I would be going to Connecticut to meet with a client for a Tuesday morning meeting, so I would have to get up there the night before (I'm on Long Island, NY). So living on Long Island the fastest way to CT is by ferry, I went on the ferry website to book a spot and it was all booked for Monday night except for 10pm, which would have gotten me to the hotel around midnight and since I had a 8am meeting I wanted to get a good night’s rest. I decided instead to drive around and go through New York City then head north. I received all my travel information from my office over the weekend; hotel, client office. My office manager told me to bring in any receipts for expenses, I responded that I would and told her that I was going to try to get a ferry but there wasn’t any left for Monday but I did get one going home on Tuesday so I would bring her that receipt when I got back. I got her response around 3:30pm on Saturday wondering if she should cancel my hotel reservation, I responded around 6:30 because I hadn’t seen the email till them that I was driving up on Monday night.
My boss had told me that I needed to wear a tie (My company has a strict no tie policy unless there is client in the office lol) I had moved in with my fiancé a few months prior and never brought my ties, or suitcase. So when I left my house I had to stop at my parents to get a tie, and since I figured I would probably need ties again in the future that I would bring all of them ( I have a lot of ties from a previous job), plus I wasn’t sure which tie to wear to this meeting. I got back on the road. At the first light I decide I should probably plug my GPS in and get the address for the hotel typed in, I type in the address and it can’t find it (my GPS is about 5 years old, I’ve never updated because I tried once and it was like $60, I said screw that and never tried again). The hotel was number 315 trumbull st; it couldn’t find it I try, 300, nothing, 200, nothing, 100, nothing, 1. It finds 1 trumbull, I say w/e it will get me most of the way there, for the rest I’ll use my phone, (I didn’t want to use my phone for a GPS because it eats up my battery so much)
I was about half way and I thought to myself that I should probably call the hotel and let them know that I am coming in late and not to give my room away, I call the hotel and they check my reservation and tell me that it has been cancelled. I tell them that I have been driving for over 2 hours and I am coming into town for a business meeting in morning, she then transfers me to the front desk, and they were able to get me another room, I call my project manager who was also driving to CT but coming from Maine about this and she tells me that she is going to check on her reservation to, we ask each other how far away from the hotel are you and we were both about 1 1/2 hours away.
I was getting with 20 miles on my GPS when I remembered that it’s not set to 315 trumbull but 1 trumbull, so I pull out my phone and type in the address and it find it no problem. I arrive to the hotel and there is 3 cops parked in the loading / unloading passengers pull over the building had out front, so I couldn’t park to check in, I knew that there was a hotel parking garage around back so I followed the sign to the garage, I pass the entrance the first time because this big truck was parked right up to the front of it and I couldn’t see it till I was passing it, so I make a few turns and get back around to the front of the building, cops are still there, so I try the parking garage again. I pull in and there is a machine with a sign, and I guess I was tired or w/e but I thought the sign said you need a special ticket from the front desk to use the hotel parking (the garage was split to regular parking and a special gated off section for hotel parking) I then back up out of the garage and drive around the front of the building to check if the cops had left so I can go check in and get this ticket for parking. Cops were still there, I decided ok maybe I’ll drive down further and find an open stop and walk back to check in and park. I drive down the road a little and every spot is taken or metered (I didn’t want to use a meter because I was only going to be there for a few minutes, plus all the cops right behind me I couldn't illegally park. I get frustrated and figure ok ill circle the hotel a few more times, I make a turn down another street that I thought would get me back to the hotel but it takes me another way, I follow my gps for a while and I’m like what’s with this place, why is it so hard to get back to the hotel, vie was driving for like 10 minutes when I realize that I was following my GPS not my phone and was driving to 1 trumbull not 315. I rip the gps off my window and retype the address back into my phone (one the gps on my iPhone saw that I had reached my destination it stopped providing instructions even though I left the destination) I finally get back to hotel and the cops are gone, I pull in and check in, the lady at the desk asks If I have my parking ticket to be validated (realizing that the machine in the parking garage didn’t want a ticket from me it wanted to give me a ticket) I tell her no and that I was parked out front. I go back out to my car and drive around to the parking garage; I get the ticket from the machine and park. Finally, I go in with just the ticket to get it done so I wouldn’t forget it and my project manager from Maine is checking in next to me. We talk for a few minutes and I tell her that I hadn't gotten my stuff from my car yet. She tells me that she'll wait for me.
Walking back to my car I suddenly realize that I never got the suitcase from my parents, I just shoved everything into this big plastic bag I had in the house. I did however have my workbag with my laptop and some other stuff in it. I say fuck it I ill just bring this, then come back for the rest once she is gone. I get back into the lobby and she is looking at my bag weird. She asks if I knew that I was supposed to be dressed up for this meeting. I tell her yeah of course, I have my shoes, shirt and tie, all in the bag, it’s only one night so I packed light, she goes Wow you’re a good packer! We walk over the elevators and talk about the meeting while we wait. Elevator comes and we are on different floors, I get to my room and give it a few minutes before I go back down for my giant plastic bag of clothes. I get back to my car and realize I have more stuff to put in this bag now that I have all these fucking ties, and didn’t know which to bring. So I shove all the ties my two dress shirts and everything else into this big bag. I can feel the handle stretching, fearing that the bag would break I decide to hold it from the bottom so that bag would be supported. I get back to my room and iron all my stuff out.
I just then remember that my boss had asked me if I could drive one of the other team members to the train station after the meeting, I said sure. I realize that this would mean that he would see my bag of clothes. I decide I would get up and dressed early before we met for breakfast and get all my stuff in my car. I pull it off perfecting, stuffed my bag deep into my truck to hide it (nothing crazy) I wait for my manager the next morning and meet this other team member I never met before and we talk about the project. After breakfast, we were heading for the lobby and originally we were supposed to take this shuttle over the clients building and take it back to the hotel, I didn’t realize that when she asked if I could give this other guy a ride I was driving both of them. We are in the main lobby and I say to them ok ill see guys over there, and they both laugh (I was kinda confused why) and headed off to the elevators to take me to the parking garage, they both follow, I suddenly realize that I would be driving them. We get to my car and he has his bags already, I open my trunk and put them in. We drive to the client and meet, everything went well.
After the meeting I dropped this guy off at the train and my manager at the hotel and headed home. I was able to get a ferry reservation on the way home to shorten my trip. I made it for much later in the day then when the meeting let out, because no one could tell me when the meeting would be over so. I made the reservation for 7:30 but the meeting ended at 3. I get close to the ferry and decide to call to see if this reservation was still good unlike my hotel, they confirm the reservation and I ask if I would be able to take an earlier ferry they said they had room on the 4:30. So I hurry up and get on the boat.
I had rode on the ferry a bunch of times when I was kid but never as an adult so I wasn’t really sure what I needed to do once I got on the boat, I park my car and go up to a passenger level, and I see a line to a box window, I'm not sure if I need to check in there or if it’s for buying tickets, I decide I would risk it and just find out when I get up there. I did need to check in, so I was good that I stayed on line. I get my receipt and headed to the top level to watch the boat.
I stay up there till we are almost across to Port Jefferson. I decide I should probably go back down to my car as we would be off loading soon. I walk down the stairs and reach for the door handle but it won’t open, I push, I pull won’t budge. I can see people in their cars and the ferry guys getting the ramp ready so I am starting to freak out a little. I say screw it I’ll try another door, I run up the stairs and down the ship to another stair well and try that door. Same thing. I won’t open, I’m pushing hard, finally I try to slide the door, it opens (face palm) I step out on deck and suddenly this guy is yelling at me "Silver HONDA!!!, where is your ticket!!!". Turns out I was supposed to put a part of my receipt under my windshield or something, I show him my ticket get in my car and drive home.
No ties,
No suitcase
No hotel reservation
No ticket
hxcrichard: Needs a tldr, cuz i sure as hell didnt read all that
faunum: Seconded
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1376094259 | 1376142209 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | grayspectre: Chatting to my future father in law, made it sound like I was getting in shape to properly decimate his firstborn daughter on our wedding night.
And again on our honeymoon.
>FIL: "You're in good shape! Have you been working out?"
"Yeah, started about 6 months ago. I'm looking to be in the best shape of my life come wedding day!"
>FIL: "Oh! But you play sport, don't you? So you'll be getting in shape for that too?"
"Well, I guess, but the season won't have started until after the honeymoon, and as we are going somewhere hot, I want to make sure I look good! I'm on track to being the most muscly i've ever been, I should peak around honeymoon time!
Did I mention that i'm really excited that me and * are getting married? I really can't wait!"
Walked out of the room, and realised what I'd just heavily implied. *facepalm*
showmethebiggirls: You should have winked at him and made a gesture like using a plow to be sure you got your point across.
OceanRacoon: And then repeatedly jimmied your index finger into a fake vagina circle made by your index finger and thumb on your other hand.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1376095826 | 1376166576 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,496 | BrickTheif: NSFW. tifu with a picture of a seal
WARNING: NSFW
_____________________________________________________________
Okay so today, i was jerking off, and i had just "finished". i exited out, and on the tab below, i had the picture of the seal born at the new england aquarium. (this one: http://i.imgur.com/6Hy2lgg.jpg ) my computer is just in front of my bedroom door, but off to the left a tad, so once you walk in, you immediately see the screen, and i was on an angle. (lefty) so, my mom walks in, sees me, pants off, seal on the screen, junk out, all done. i look up, made eye contact. my mom just staggered out of the room and went out somewhere. we haven't spoken all night. i fucked up. HARD.
EDIT: My Mom just gave me the acceptance speech.
civilian11214: Do you know how door locks work?
Psychotrip: Not all families are ok with locking doors. In my family locking your door just means you're DEFINITELY doing something out of the ordinary
civilian11214: What are you, 13? Don't parents have respect enough to not barge in without knocking? I've been locking my doors since I was 14 just to avoid this. It seems your parents don't respect you enough if they just barge in.
Psychotrip: I never said they barge in. I'm not the OP dude. I just said we don't lock our doors. They definitely knock, which is why I've never been caught, at least not to my knowledge.
civilian11214: Ok, why did you respond to a question that I asked OP if you didn't want me to respond to your dumb answer?
Psychotrip: You asked if the OP had heard of locking doors. I was simply giving a possible explanation. You're the one who decided to be rude.
civilian11214: I wasn't asking you. You were rude for answering for OP. I don't care what you think. I was asking OP. Go away.
Psychotrip: Way to blow things out of proportion yet again. I wasn't trying to be rude, and I apologize if I came off that way. Clearly I've troubled you in some way I don't understand, so I'll "go away" now.
civilian11214: Go answer someone else's question meant for OP.
Psychotrip: You are just an angry, hostile person. Good day to you.
civilian11214: Dude, go away.
| 12 | 124.666667 | |
1376103005 | 1376148408 | null | t5_2to41 | 59 | rachelraenoel: TIFU... By petting a cow.
Earlier today, I was at the local county fair in the lovely county of Adams in Wisconsin. I was there to enjoy the fair, help out and have a wonderful day. However, later in the afternoon, I found myself in the Rabbit, Chicken, Duck, Goose and Dairy Barn. I was behind a row of rabbit cages with my cousin, which bordered up to the wooden fence divider between the rabbits and dairy cows.
This beautiful Heifer decided she wanted to poke her head through to the rabbit side for what I thought, was to get a good scratch behind the ears, and on her bump. She however, had other thoughts. She was just interested in getting the bucket of water on the floor that was meant for watering the rabbits.
When I reached down to scratch her, she tolerated it for about 10-15 seconds. At the end of those few seconds, I was looking away speaking to my husband, son, and cousin. All of a sudden, a loud thwack and searing pain in my right hand. I looked down, and she had my hand squished in between her head/head bump and the wooden fence post in the barn.
After I got my hand loose, about ten seconds after the initial hit, it was already turning purple with a huge blood pool underneath my middle finger nail, as well as the base of the nail was bleeding in the cuticle. My other finger nails felt like I had played that stupid bite down on them as hard as you can, then push your fingers together game. So as of right now, my hand is still in serious pain, the nail is purple and has some serious blood build up underneath it. As well, all the rest of the blood vessels in the top of my finger have burst so its about three times the size it should be. So this is how I screwed my hand up, by fucking up and mistaking a heifer's want for water, as the want for attention.
TL;DR I fucked up by mistaking a heifer's want for water as a want for attention, petted it, and screwed my hand up pretty bad. Mainly the middle finger.
J_Schnetz: At least you learned to get a grip on the situation.
rachelraenoel: Yes, yes I did,
OceanRacoon: Just don't milk the whole thing for sympathy
rachelraenoel: That would be udderly ridiculous, especially considering it was done of my own stupidity.
OceanRacoon: This is definitely a *low* point in your life.
rachelraenoel: You sir/ma'am are very good. I can think of no more replies to your puns.
OceanRacoon: Well, there's no point crying over spilt milk. Good day.
rachelraenoel: Wonderful, just wonderful. You have quite a talent for puns.
| 9 | 6.555556 | |
1376102730 | 1376144901 | null | t5_2to41 | 143 | AGameForLosers: TIFU by selling out my son
[Throwaway]
After a long day at work, I came home to my family being gone--cooling off at the public pool. Being the normal "home alone dude", I decided that it's been a while since I've had a good fap. I opened up Chrome, had a decent experience, closed off the tabs, and sat down to watch some TV.
Shortly after, my wife and kids arrived, we had dinner, and all was well in life.
That is until my wife wanted to check her FB account and so she popped on the computer, opened up chrome, and came face to face with my vids. She called me over and asked who was the person who last used the computer. Out of instinct, I said it was my 14 year old son.
Now he's grounded, and I feel guilty knowing that my wife thinks my son is into bukkake.
Edit: I will have Ice Cream with my boy tomorrow and make up for it...now..how to make my wife to understand..
Edit 2: My wife decided that my son's punishment be lifted, after I told her that I was the one watching nsfw. She didn't believe me at first and we just had sex that night :D
When I talked to my son this morning, HE DID LEAVE BEHIND A PORN TRACE BECAUSE HE DOESN'T USE INCOGNITO WINDOWNS. I KNEW I COULDN'T HAVE BEEN THAT STUPID TO LEAVE A TRACE BEHIND.
ill still take him to ice cream later :D
Wooo
Last edit: truths out, gave son the talk, got my wife in a kinky mood early this morning as a reward for being honest :D
Glad to see reddit has people who actually give advice, this fuck up wouldnt happen with my youngest son.
"Over-and-out"
GodComplexGuy: Not to offend, but if your son is grounded because of watching porn, I am inclined to say, that your wife might be an idiot. And give the kid 200 bucks or something to make up for the trouble. It's only fair.
Vigilax: My guess is that he would be grounded for putting the (presumably) family computer at risk because of viruses and spyware and whatnot, and not really for watching porn.
Edit: But if he really did get grounded for watching porn, then I agree that it's pretty stupid.
GodComplexGuy: Yeah, but some people are just biggots. Everyone watches porn. I know my dad watches, every since he asked me how to erase the internet history...
Vigilax: Haha, did you teach him about incognito mode?
GodComplexGuy: I tried to, but he gave a death stare for some reason. He is a big guy (not tall, but fat and strong), and an ex "special" police officer, so I just changed the subject. May I mention my mother was present?
Vigilax: I'm sure that can't have been awkward in the slightest.
/s
GodComplexGuy: Yeah, I just shrugged it off. That look conveyed pure dread into one's soul. I don't think my mother got it though. I don't think she would care anyways.
| 8 | 17.875 |
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