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value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1376104437 | 1376115866 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | [deleted]: TIFU by sniffing my toothbrush
I woke up this morning horribly, unusually hungover. My friend came over right when I got up because he wanted to take me out to lunch, and he stepped outside to smoke while I brushed my teeth and got ready.
While I'm brushing my teeth I catch the distinct smell of shit in my bathroom. We had quite a few people over the night before at my apartment so I immediately check the toilet, trash can, shower, basically anywhere someone could have sneakily pooped or something. Absolutely nothing.
I start sniffing my clothes, thinking the feces smell could somehow have attached itself to me. Still nothing.
I sniffed the end of my toothbrush and immediately gagged. The shit smell is coming from my toothbrush. I tossed it into the trash and went to check out the toothbrush holder. This thing has like 7 toothbrushes in it (I only live with 2 other girls???) and the bottom is filled with 3/4ths an inch thick layer of gooey, sludgy mold. Seriously disgusting
When I go to dump it in the sink, the smell overwhelms my poor, defenseless hungover senses and I start heaving. I end up stumbling into the hallway and land on the floor in a heaving pile of gagging disgustness.
Thankfully my friend walked back in laughing his ass off and cleaned it up for me. but seriously, check your toothbrush holder, it could be harboring pennicillin and feces
ph30n1x78: How does someone shit in that thing, especially drunk? Do you get some sort of amazing anal aim anal power?
scrndude: It wasn't shit, it was mold. It just smelled like shit for some reason.
| 3 | 11.666667 | |
1376114413 | 1376115663 | null | t5_2to41 | 42 | Mordit: TIFU by trying to microwave french fries
So, my oven is broken...and I'm out of cooking oil, but I want some french fries. So I search the internet and find that if you cover french fries with something, either napkins or another plate and microwave them, they turn out ok. So I tried it, I took to plates, smushed em together and put the french fries in the microwave. (Don't try this at home)
Half way through the five minute cooking cycle I pull the plate out. Steam billowing out the crack between the two plates. I lift off the top plate and let it cool down a but, I touch the french fry and it's warm but a tad bit cold, I feel around and flip them with my fingers (Genius!) And then I reach the center of the plate.
Freeze frame, have you ever microwaved something, like chicken nuggets, and the nuggets near the edge of the plate are colder than the ones in the middle? Well this is exactly what happened, but a thousand times worse. Since the fries have been blanched, frozen, bagged, and then put into my freezer, that means there's still some oil in the fries, and the microwave brought out that oil and boiled it,
So I was poking around the fries when my finger squishes into a really soft one, right into the hell-fire center, where broiling hot potato smushes under my finger nail, I jump back in shock and flail around my hand whispering "Ow, stop, Ow, stop, Ow, stop" I cover the plate, start the microwave, and walk away, suddenly, this Burning sensation just erupts over the tip of my finger, full on pain train. I step into the bathroom and run it under cold water, only to find out. We're out of burn cream!
So now I'm sitting at my desk, with first degree burns on my index finger which I stuck in a bag of frozen corn
as I type with one hand.
TL;DR Tried to microwave french fries and stuck my finger into a franken-fuck of pain causing first degree burns
UPDATE: I put aloe vera on the end of my finger and it feels like little tiny snow angels grinding up against my finger, so gud
ph30n1x78: So did the fries make it? I hate cliffhangers.
Mordit: In frustration I....I did the unspeakable...I DUMPED THEM IN THE TRASH OKAY! but if it's any consolation when they hit the bottom of the trashcan they made a hard squishing sound so they were in pretty bad shape anyway
ph30n1x78: You monster.
Mordit: [I can't live with myself anymore](http://31.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m4jjv5KBrY1rrfy5jo1_400.jpg)
| 5 | 8.4 | |
1376115930 | 1376117536 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: I hope there are still some people up. I fucked up pretty bad today at work.
I work at a day camp for my summer job. its a good job and doesn't pay that bad. i had been having problems with some coworkers for awhile, and felt like i kinda had no friends there. there are some coworkers that are nice to me, but i dont hang out with any them. Anyway, things got heated a couple days ago at work, and i was in the middle of it. The head counselor yelled at me pretty bad for something that wasn't my fault, and also in front of my kids. She was forced to apologize to me and in front of everyone. I was already at pretty high tensions with these group of girl counselors, and her having to apologize to me i think pissed them all off. I think they also found out i went behind the head counselor's back and asked my real boss if this head counselor was my boss, she is not. Here is where i fucked up. So today at work, i kinda got fed up with them and how lazy these girls can be and told on them to my boss. the reason i told on them though was so i could quit early(logic is flawed and story is paraphrased but essentially i said it would be best for both parties if i could quit early). I just really did not want to be around these people any longer. unfortunately, my boss said basically it would be a big shame and we could really use every counselor we can get because numbers are big this time of year. I reluctantly said yes, because my boss is good friends with my mom and i felt i owed it to both of them to finish out the last week. I also asked for monday off though and my boss said ok. I feel really selfish now and like shit for going behind these coworkers backs. To add to my feeling of shit, the boss had a special meeting after work with all of the counselors about how she has been hearing that some counselors are having problems with each other and to cut that shit out. it seemed obvious to me that the people involved knew it was me that caused this big mess.
hxcrichard: No, today you fucked up by not starting the title with TIFU
dj_smitty: not sure why you were downvoted, you are correct.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1376113995 | 1376401222 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | FlyByPie: TIFU by tearing through a friend's fence and nearly killing myself
This technically happened yesterday since it 1:30 am here, but I can't sleep because I'm worried.
Before I start, let me set the scene. It's getting close to 6 on a mildly wet Western North Carolina summer day. Not too much rain, but enough to get the grass wet, and I'm in the really mountainous part of WNC.
So anyway, after hanging out with a friend of mine, we decide to visit another friend at her house since we're nearby. I pull up the driveway, see other friends' truck in the way, so I try to go around. The friend I was riding with got "Wait there's a-" out just as I heard a *thunk*. "-ditch there." Got-dang it Bobby. So I get out, lo and behold I'm stuck. If my truck had 4 wheel drive, I wouldn't have been as concerned. So I try to go further forward. I hear a *SNAP*. "Well you broke my pipe, but that's fine." Turns out I snapped a ~3 inch PVC pipe (I guess for drainage) and it was now lodged in front of my right front tire.
Now here's where it gets interesting.
I leave my truck in neutral, go out to look at the pipe. Think *Oh, I can get that out from under there.* When I do, the whole truck comes rolling forward (remember; mountain country, I'm stuck on a slope.) I dodge the truck, which hits the girl's barn. Neither the barn nor the truck was hurt, but I was pinned between the truck and the barbed wire fence on the passenger side. After reassuring everyone there I was A-okay, one of the girls called her cousin, who brought a Jeep and a chain. I wriggle my way out of the wire, ever-so carefully step over the wire to make sure I can still have both boys and girls, not just one or the other, and make my way over to help hook things up and such.
Long story short, we get it uphill a little, get another truck involved, get it angled better, cut the fence, and I drive my truck down the adjacent field (what the fence was there to fence off), and everything is okay. I ended up with just as many scratches as the truck. I just got a text to call the girl's mom tomorrow, and I'm worried that she'll tear me a new butthole after this.
Tl;dr- My truck went vroom vroom into a ditch. I tried to get it out, and it tried to kill me. After shouting "Ole!" and getting scratched up more than a husband having sex with a kinky cougar, two rednecks helped me out of a perilous predicament. And now me, my testicles, and my truck are all safe and sound.
oghamster: you'll be fine im sure the person with the damaged fence will understand what happend just offer to help pay for or fix the fence.
FlyByPie: That's what I did. The woman was nice and not 37 flavors of pissed like I thought she'd be
oghamster: one thing ive learned from being a server at a restaurant is that if you offer your sympathy and help, most people will be understanding when they get an explanation.
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1376099764 | 1376157759 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | BrassRhino: TIFU by going into the wrong car dealership for my interview.
So I had an interview at a car dealership. I put on a tie, grabbed a copy of my resume punched the dealership into my phone for navigation and drove the dealership. Just before I turned on the street for the car dealership I looked up and saw the sign. I didn't pay attention to what side of the street it was on. As I drove up to the wrong dealership I was checking the time, checking my tie, making sure I hadn't wrinkled my resume. I walked in and announced that I had an interview to the secretary. I sat in their waiting area for a few minutes before I realized I was supposed to be at the dealership across the street. I left and sped across the street and made it to the interview with one minute to spare.
Now I just have to never go into or talk to anyone from the other dealership for the rest of my life.
skiddie2: How did the interview go? Where you calm, cool and collected?
Was one Chevy and one Dodge?
BrassRhino: The interview went well. No it was Toyota and Nisan. My interview was at the Toyota dealership.
[deleted]: Good job choosing Toyota over Nissan!!! Toyota employee.
BrassRhino: Nice! Put in a good word for me.
| 5 | 3.2 | |
1376134198 | 1376147930 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | squeechme: TIFU by peeing in the sink.
Edit: *by sink I think I mean basin. In the UK we call it a bathroom sink.*
Let me preface this by saying I've been going through a bit of a rough time since chewing on a spider in my soup at work just less than 48 hours ago. It seems that since then, spiders have been trying their best to get their revenge on me almost (albeit accidentally) consuming their unfortunate cousin.
So, this morning I woke up, and needed to piss. Common event, right? So I pad along the hallway to the bathroom, lock the door, face the toilet and lift the lid, preparing to sit down (as I am female and we unfortunately our genitalia does not easily allow us to pee standing up). Well luckily I looked first, because under the toilet lid, some huge spindly 8-legged fucker was right their chilling on his web, giving me the look like "dear lord your ass looks like it'd be fantastic to crawl on/bite/tickle affectionately with my spindly-ass 4" legs" so I noped the fuck out and clanged the lid back on the seat. However, I had not yet achieved post-piss status. The golden liquid still had to come out, and I was not willing to get trolled by another goddamn arachnid.
The sink. She has a drain. I remembered all of 3 years ago, listening to Ke$ha's first ever radio interview (BBC Radio 1, Scott Mills show) which was when I fell in love with her. I remembered al the anecdotes she shared. **Including the one where she recounted pissing in a sink in a London pub with either Lily Allen or Pixie Lott present (I don't remember which of the 2).** Aha, I thought to myself. I can finally act like my idol of my teenagehood.
I hastily dropped trou, stepped upon the step we keep in the bathroom (I am a lass of an inadequate altitude) and sat down on the sink to do my business.
Now, I am not a heavy girl. I could afford to lose a little weight but I'm probably around 120 pounds. Wateva. The sink cracked while I was mid-urination. Don't know what do. Wish I'd manned the fuck up and sorted out the spider but seriously, I hate those fuckers at the moment. At least I got to piss spider-free. :/
slothscantswim: In the US we call them sinks too...
squeechme: I wasn't sure - just covering all bases!
slothscantswim: Sorry I did not mean to use ellipses I was just trying to confirm for you that sink is the more common term. I hope your cracked sink word are short lives.
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1376141628 | 1376307002 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | throwawayaway_777: TIFU By taking a joke too far and now I'm really scared
So I've been living in a big house with 9 other guys. We had a cable company come in while most us were gone for a few days. I was living there with 1 other guy.
One of my roommates, lets call him Sam, left a note in his room with an arrow pointing to where he wanted his cable outlet installed. I went in the room a few hours after all the cable installation was done and I saw that the cable company didn't install his outlet where he asked. They installed it across the room.
I thought it would be funny to leave a fake note from the cable company saying things like "screw you", "don't tell me what to do", and some more vulgar things. I drew a penis with the cable company's name on the back. I tried to make it so over the top that no one would think it was real.
Flash forward to a few days later, Sam's parents came in and thought it was real. This escalates quickly and my roommate who is our primary tenant calls the cable and flips out on them. I guess it's a big deal at the cable company now.
I'm so scared now. I don't want the police to get involved over a stupid joke.
Propyl_People_Ether: Dude, confess, anonymously to the cable company if you have to. You don't want someone to get fired over this, either.
throwawayaway_777: I already came clean to all my roommates. I plan to call later today. I'm just very scared about legal repercussions form this.
DaPinkRunna: What is wrong with people these days?! You never know the person who got fired might be working to feed their families or to support a baby or something important like that. Geez I'm gonna be straightfoward with you: your an asshole, you've probably been an asshole your whole life and your most likely gonna be an asshole for the rest of your life. The only thing that will change is your going to become and *even* bigger asshole. No Hancock references please ;)
[deleted]: HEY FUCKNUTS ITS A FUCKING JOKE
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1376142271 | 1376647926 | null | t5_2to41 | 274 | raspberrypussy: TIFU by coughing into a girls vagina while going down on her. I effectively blew a raspberry into her pussy.
Ok, so I've been seeing this stunning girl for a while and things are going really well, but today I fucked up. While going down on her, I got a tickle in the back of my throat (possibly a hair, I don't fucking know), and I coughed, in a big way. Right into her pussy. I blew a raspberry into her pussy.
She was bewildered. I was trying to apologize, but was in the midst of a coughing fit.
FUCK.
9nexus8: At least she wasn't pregnant.
abelcc: OP should change his signature move, just in case.
LaLaBKS: I spend way too much time on Reddit.
fredinvisible: Reference?
metalfan2680: There isn't really a reference. If you blow into a woman's vag while she's pregnant, it can cause an air embolism in her bloodstream which could kill her.
wehavegreatsexxx: I'm pretty sure you can do that at any point, even if a woman isn't pregnant. At least that's what I've been told
metalfan2680: Maybe you can. I'm not a vagina expert so I don't know
| 8 | 34.25 | |
1376124661 | 1376204268 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | Lendingtrees: TIFU by fucking my gf in the woods. [NSFW]
This was like 2 and a half weeks ago maybe 3. So i left my house to meet up with my girlfriend at a spot in some sorta wood type thing near some nice houses. on my way i saw landscape workers working around the houses and cleaning. i meet my gf and go find a spot in the woods. The spot we went to seemed nice and lonely for the both of us to hang out. I cant remember if we smoked or not (fried) but i was horny and I'm sure she was too so we start making out and start touching each other all over the place. Then we start having sex in the woods. We were having sex peacefully until we heard workers. They sounded far but every second they seemed to get closer. We realized that they were just a few feet away. quickly me And my gf got up and get dressed and head over to a different spot which was not a good idea. We were kinda laying there and i told her that i wanted to finish, she said okay but she wanted to do it right there.I don't know what made me look back but when i do i see the landscapers and they were looking our way. There was about 3 or 4 workers. We quickly got off each other. I don't know for how long they were watching but they were watching. One kept looking our way. I was so embarrassed. Bastards ruined it too ;) we just hung out for a bit after and went our separate ways. I wont forget that day.
TL;DR- i had sex with my gf in the woods and got caught by landscape workers.
Lendingtrees: Hmm that could be possible.
CreepLife22: Perfect answer
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1376146210 | 1376147471 | null | t5_2to41 | 85 | jillischill: Uploaded the wrong pics on Facebook
I hit cancel when adding over an entire new album worth of pics and figured it wouldn't download any of them.. Dead wrong. It downloaded so many pictures. They have been up for like two days now. Some were NSFW party pics that I wouldn't even let myself be tagged in, and pics of this guy I used to talk to that were shirtless. Oh god and a range of selfies from me trying (keyword: trying) to be sexy. My grandma saw them!!
BeachGirl87: This is an actual fear of mine. I use my camera to see what my outfits look like, and a lot of the times to amuse myself I do "sexy" model poses. No one needs to see those.
belethcalwen: I do this, but because my work phone is better I now do this on my work phone.. I know it's asking for trouble but I can't seem to stop (I also video my pole fitness attempts)
BeachGirl87: Haha, cameras tell the truth better than mirrors! I'm glad to know I'm not alone.
| 4 | 21.25 | |
1376148957 | 1376175453 | null | t5_2to41 | 105 | swisher_blunt: TIFU by having a spliff in the bath.
I haven't had a bath in practically years so, after finally moving into a house with a bath, I decide to have one. Having recently purchased a shiny new bag of weed, I thought combining the two would be a good idea.
Picture this; a very cramped bathroom, no windows, a shitty extractor fan, closed door, steaming hot bath and a spliff. As I lay there gently swishing to and fro, giggling like a little school girl, I neglected to notice how hot the room was becoming.
After a while I looked up and realised I could barely even see the taps in front of me. Naturally, I begin to panic and started scrambling around trying to escape. I grabbed a towel, stood up and immediately fell back to the floor. All I could see was black for what felt like 5 minutes, my heart was pounding and I could feel the blood rushing past my ears.
Once the feeling passed I stumbled into my bedroom and stood in front of the mirror, facing me was an extremely red version of myself with a bleeding shoulder.
Currently, my heart rate has almost returned to normal and I'm starting to feel and look less like a lobster. 2/10 would not recommend.
TL;DR Got too high and too hot in the bath, almost cooked myself like a lobster.
5ideburn5: That's what I draw the bath before I smoke, then smoke in the tub.
swisher_blunt: I did smoke in the tub!
5ideburn5: But did you smoke before you drew the bath?
swisher_blunt: Nope. The smoking and swishing around lasted for longer than I care to admit haha.
5ideburn5: Ha. Well I'd be lying if I said I haven't fallen victim to the bath's warm liquidy allure myself while smoking.
| 6 | 17.5 | |
1376153760 | 1376342541 | null | t5_2to41 | 496 | thedirtyspatula: Today I fucked up by stabbing myself in the leg with a knife.
I was at a park that had a festival going on to support cyclists, I was by myself looking for a place to smoke from my dugout. I wanted to be somewhat hidden so while the area was packed there was a gap in between which looked to me like a great little place to sneak a toke. I go over to the spot and sit down, AAANND I get caught up in the blackberry bushes thorny branches. "No big deal." I say to myself whipping out my pocket knife. I swiped twice at the branch as I sat, it was cutting but not enough so the branch was just getting stuck to me. Then I swiped at it again with force, so much force that I cut through the branch and stabbed myself in the top of my knee. The blade went in half an inch into my kneecap. Never have I felt this stupid, luckily the festival had a medic on site so I go down get cleaned up and walk it off.
Next day
"OH MY GOD WHY DOES THIS HURT SO FUCKING BADLY???" I attempt to get up out of my bed and as I stand, it felt as if there was a sword in my kneecap, nearly bringing me to tears. Knee injuries are nothing to joke about, thought they were but they are not. Every time I have to sit or stand my leg has to be straight out or it's excruciating.
Tried to be stealth, ended up not being able to use my legs for now.
MichaelJahrling: I guess those guards in Skyrim really weren't exaggerating.
thedirtyspatula: I am not familiar with Skyrim so you'll have to elaborate please.
MichaelJahrling: Guards in Skyrim, if you talk to them, will sometimes comment on how they used to be adventurers until they were hit in the knee by an arrow, causing them to abandon adventuring and instead become a guard.
GO1NGD0WN: Hence the "I used to be an adventurer like you, until I took an arrow to the knee." god I need to play that again.
NotNotNotAMethAddict: Do it. I just recently decided to buy it and it is so much fun.
ThePickleAvenger: Am I the only one that thinks this game is do fucking overrated? It wasn't that fun and it was so incredibly buggy
NotNotNotAMethAddict: It is incredibly fun if you really give it a chance. It has beautiful graphics, a great plot, and its really immersive. But thats just my opinion, I don't know why you are being downvoted for your opinion.
BlueHockey: Dude downvoting for your opinion is kinda the point of downvoting
NotNotNotAMethAddict: No, downvoting is only for when something is not adding to discussion.
BlueHockey: Mhmm.. Maybe you're right, touché OP
| 11 | 45.090909 | |
1376165978 | 1376207118 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,362 | thehornynudist: TIFU by getting caught jerking off by my mom... in the nude
It all started when i woke up at noon and saw my little buddy was ready to tackle the day with some good old fashioned fun. I had realized my father, brothers, and mother had all vacated the house for a family trip,in which my brother and i would meet them on after he was to come home from work so i was free to roam around. Being a person who sleeps in the nude i thought it would be a good idea to say "fuck clothes today, I've got an empty house til 4pm may as well enjoy myself and hook my laptop up to the big screen TV to jack my hammer". Once I picked my favorite porn and got her going in full 52 inch HD glory I started to get into it. About 10 minutes in i hear the rumble of the garage door and say to myself "surely my bro cant be home from work this early, what is happening?" and then i hear it, my moms voice in crystal clear quality like I've never heard before asking if i "had anything to eat" from down the hall. Panic sets in and i run to unplug the laptop from the TV, but its to late she comes in to a cheesy 3-way pornography full bast on the big screen and her naked son with a raging boner standing there in the TV room. Her only words were "Oh?!?" and quickly scurried out of the room as i unplugged my laptop and ran to my room upstairs in embarrassment and shock, where i have been for the rest of the day only coming down for food when my mom isn't in sight.
TL;DR: woke up horny to empty house, in which i was walked in on by my mother, jacking off fully naked in front of our big screen TV
EDIT: i did end up finishing in my upstairs washroom with the security of a locked door
liquid_j: The title had me wondering why your mom was nude...
[deleted]: ...and who caught him being jerked off by his mom?
TheAlmightyProphet: I hope his arms are ok, and injury like that can leave lasting damage.
tranmyvan: NO
PixelOrange: YES
BrockN: MAYBE
depricatedzero: MAEBY
Matika7: Marry me!
[deleted]: I like the way you think...
| 10 | 136.2 | |
1376183594 | 1376232347 | null | t5_2to41 | 38 | [deleted]: TIFU by not cleaning my shower drain often enough.
I was taking a shower before work this morning, and was about to empty my Diva Cup (for those of you who don't know what it is, it is a [menstrual cup](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Menstrual_cup). It acts as a substitute for tampons, pads, etc. The easiest and cleanest way to go about emptying a Diva Cup is in the shower.
So anyway, I noticed that water was beginning to pool around my feet, meaning the drain must be clogged. Not surprising, since I have fairly long hair and have my girlfriend over pretty often. I allowed the water to dissipate somewhat before I reached down and pulled out the drain stopper.
It took some effort to pull the sucker out of there, and that's when I knew the situation was going to be pretty nasty. I finally tugged the bastard out of the drain hole, and almost gagged at the sight. It was at this moment I regretted not wearing rubber gloves for this job. Matted, wet hair clung to the stopper and hung down from it like a gross beard. That wasn't the worst part. Smatterings of chunky, coagulated-looking blood were adhered to the hair from my numerous times using the shower as my period blood repository. I think I'm going back to tampons.
ImAwomanAMA: I wouldn't go back to tampons myself, just think of all that coagulated blood that will be sitting *inside* of you on that tampon. I've never liked the idea of TSS, so I'm not planning on going back. I also use a diva cup. I've been using mine for around 9 months now, and although I still am trying to get everything just right, I prefer it so much more than tampons and pads.
R3divid3r: Fuck dude! jesus! TIFU and clicked on this thread!
ImAwomanAMA: Yes, you did. Periods are pretty gross.
R3divid3r: no, they're normal..I learned about a fuckin' "Diva Cup" today....
ImAwomanAMA: Yes, they are normal, but that doesn't make them any less gross. I don't mind my period as much now that I use a diva cup, but I hate the feeling of just being dirty. When I would wear pads and use tampons, I felt gross and dirty and I was always worried that I smelled bad, even though I knew that I didn't. I much prefer my diva cup!
R3divid3r: so, how the fuck long have these "cups" been on the market?
ImAwomanAMA: Apparently 1932 was the first patent. I only learned about them around a year ago and decided to try it out since I've always hated having to use tampons (and the possibility of TSS).
| 8 | 4.75 | |
1376177841 | 1376231569 | null | t5_2to41 | 46 | G_string_F_hole: TIFU by shooting a nerf gun at a police officer out of a moving car.
Ok so just bear in mind, I am your typical redditor. Socially awkward, raised to be a well behaved, boring little nerd who never does anything stupid. Well today I changed that. Very, very badly.
So I had a nerf gun under the chair of my best friends car, and we were driving home from the pub with his sister driving. Now she and him are even more innocent than I am. They have incredibly strict parents.... Well basically, we drove past a bus stop... I thought it would be funny to shoot a dart at the people standing there. I thought "hey, what harm can a foam dart do? Well guess what? The people at the stop were two guys being spoken to by THE BLOODY POLICE. The blue lights came on, and of course we were all making a mess of our trousers, so my mates sister pulled over yelling at me. I instantly took responsibility because although I'm an idiot, my friends are good people, who really don't deserve the police. Well I was sorry, but I did think the bloke was a total bellend. He took me in the back of the police car and started telling me off, and the he said the scariest words I have ever heard in my sheltered little life... "We're gonna go and check this lad is ok, but if he says he's hurt, or it hit him in the eye or something, you could quite possibly be done for assault." What. The. Hell. Assault.... Me, being charged for assault. It was like time stopped. I know some of you who are more familiar with the police will probably be laughing, but to me it was the end lf my life. Basically it turns out the lad was fine, and a really alright bloke so it was all ok. He took a load of details and sent us off. Lesson learned. DON'T SHOOT THE BLOODY POLICE WITH NERF GUNS.
199Eight: You seem British, noticeable by the words pub, bloody, mate, lad and bloke.
NotNotNotAMethAddict: Congratulations you can read
199Eight: Is that a sarcastic reply?
le_mous: Two peoples, separated by a common language.
199Eight: It's actually two people, there's no "S" on the end, but it might as well be a typing error.
le_mous: I was paraphrasing George Bernard Shaw.
199Eight: Oh sorry, that's the difference between two different countries.
le_mous: I see what you did there!
199Eight: What? I don't get it. What did I do?
| 10 | 4.6 | |
1376193453 | 1376222975 | null | t5_2to41 | 191 | [deleted]: TIFU by making mustard gas.
EDIT: /u/Firehazrd has just pointed out that it is not mustard gas but in fact chlorine gas. I was obviously not listening during year 10 science class. Thanks!
I work in a butchery/deli.
My boss is a bit of a stinge and we haven't brought the normal floor washing product in this month. I was told to clean the shop floor last night. Righto, consider it done.
I didnt want to clean the floor with straight soap as it would make the tiles greasy and i'd fall on my ass.
So i decided to use a bit of the chemical that is used to scrub out the butchery floors and a bit of bleach.
As im pouring hot water into the mop bucket full of these two chemicals, it smells so strong that my eyes water and i begin to cough. It was then that i clicked that the chemical used to clean the butchery floor was ammonia and something else.
I had just made fucking chlorine gas. And now i was choking like a bitch and my eyes were streaming. I took a deep breath (away from gas) and ran outside with the mop bucket and tipped it out behind the shop.
Yeah... Not my smartest moment. Decided not to inform the boss but id leave a note saying "we need more floor cleaner!"
mindphaser: I had the same thing happen, sort of, years ago. I was working as a dishwasher at a restaurant, and we had the three-basin setup - bleach water, soap water, and plain water. After you got the dishes through those three basins, they went in the machine.
Anyway, so I spray down one of the pans that had a bunch of baked-on shit on it with Easy-Off. Easy-Off, as you may know, has ammonia in it. So, my dumb ass just wipes the Easy-Off off of the pan with a rag. I've got Easy-Off all over my hands. I dunk the pan in the bleach water and wash it, not even thinking.
After I get the pan in the machine I notice that my hand burns pretty bad. I glance at it and the skin is literally *bubbling.* I freaked the fuck out, luckily one of the cooks knew just what to do and poured white vinegar all over it (vinegar neutralizes chemical reactions, apparently). I had blisters and a bad rash on my hand for a week. It was bad shit.
TL;DR Don't fuck with ammonia and bleach
BrokeCFO: > vinegar neutralizes chemical reactions, apparently
Not all. FYI it neutralises *basic* chemical reactions like this case or lye. If it was an acid, like battery fluid, it would have done jack shit.
fredinvisible: Basic in the sense of pH greater than 7, not basis as in simple.
phantomganonftw: the former. in an acidic reaction you would achieve the same result with baking soda or borax... I think...
| 5 | 38.2 | |
1376188236 | 1376226266 | null | t5_2to41 | 30 | Sunstream: TIFU by getting shitfaced and giving my boyfriend an enormous hickey.
What's wrong with giving your boyfriend a hickey when you're shozzled? Oh, nothing really, it's just that we're traveling up the coast tomorrow to visit his parents to talk about us getting engaged.
He's been scolded before by his father for walking out with a hickey I've left on him (He's 28, by the way). It truly is a love-bite to behold. Fuck.
BeachGirl87: Don't hide it, he's 28.
Feiborg: This happened to me a few weeks ago. When my dad said something I smiled and responded with "I had a night off with [SO's name] and we had fun. You should be happy for me." No further comments were made. My dad wasn't upset, but rather teasing me. Still, your boyfriend is way too old to take that crap from his dad.
| 3 | 10 | |
1376206356 | 1376241230 | null | t5_2to41 | 76 | the_one_true_b: TIFU by telling a girl what kind of dog I wanted to get
**Preface:** There's a girl that's a waitress at a bar, we'll call her Mel, that's kinda really awesome and I've been talking to her a bit for a couple weeks, but the calamity of schedules doesn't quite lead to much face time.
So tonight me and a bud went up to the bar for a few beers and she was working. We weren't in Mel's sections, but no matter where we sat (inside, outside, at the bar) she kept stopping by to chat. At about 1:00a we're still drinking and Mel's shift ends. She drops her purse off at the table we're at, grabs herself a drink and sits down. Not too long after a coworker of hers joins us. Many drinks were had and stories shared.
About 90 minutes later Mel's talking about her dog, and her friend is mentioning her's as well. Mel pulls up a picture on her phone of her dog and I mentioned the kinda dog that, if I were responsible, I would get; a [Rhodesian Ridgeback](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rhodesian_ridgeback). Neither of them knew of the breed so I kindly take her phone (mine died), open Chrome and go to google to find pics. When i click in the search bar to type *rhodesian ridgeback* her last couple searches pop up. Mel's last 2 searches..."hamsters in the butt".
I lost it laughing so hard I started crying, her friend snatched the phone and damn near fell over from laughing just as hard. Needless to say, my friend I went there with left with Mel's phone number and an invitation to play tennis in the morning while all I got was a story to tell on reddit.
**tl;dr** I don't feel safe ordering anything from that bar anymore because it'll probably contain spit.
fluffy-b: if i found a porn search on a girls phone and she invited me to play tennis id be so happy
craterbug: OP saw the search entry, his friend got her number.
WhatIsTheMeaningOfPi: Oh that's sad :(
| 4 | 19 | |
1376209946 | 1376243329 | null | t5_2to41 | 330 | x_glo: TIFU by getting out of bed.
I woke up this morning groggy, having slept in after another night of gaming and watching Breaking Bad. My hand reaches over to my nightstand to grab my phone, it was something like 12:30 in the afternoon. I am still nearly half asleep at this point. Well, my door is to the left side of my bed. I flip the sheets off and roll on my side, one leg in the air, to get out.
Then my mom walks in.
So basically, I am on my left side, one leg in the air, with my fully-erect morning penis is full view.
Of my mother.
Still half a sleep, I belt out, in a very awkward and loud voice "I WAS GETTING UP!"
A look of awkward pain sweeps across her face as she quickly closes the door. It wasn't until I got in the shower, fully awake, that I realize it must have looked like I was masturbating. When my mom. Walked in.
This entire morning was painfully, excruciatingly awkward. I thought about explaining I was just getting of bed, but I realized that would just make it seem like I was masturbating even more.
God dammit.
Marine08902: Well, only one thing to do now...
le_mous: Cue creepy porn music?
CourtesyBear: *Bow chicka bow wow*
boldbird99: Then the arms start breaking.
^^^^^^^^^I'm ^^^^^^^^^sorry ^^^^^^^^^I ^^^^^^^^^went ^^^^^^^^^there.
ReadsSmallTextBot: >I'm sorry I went there.
boldbird99: You kill all the fun.
^^^^^^^^^^^^bitch.
ReadsSmallTextBot: >bitch.
ilikeeatingbrains: We need to go smaller.
CharlesMonsoon420: That's what your wife said when you were in the dressing room at the condom boutique.
ilikeeatingbrains: Simplify the insult, it's too wordy.
CharlesMonsoon420: I'm sorry. You may like eating brains, but apparently I don't like making good insults :(
ilikeeatingbrains: They also tend to frownvote upon jokes referencing a username unless it is toward a novelty account. For example: ^^^^Editing ^^^^Trick
ReadsSmallTextBot: >Evenin' niggers
CharlesMonsoon420: HAHAHAHA
| 15 | 22 | |
1376228613 | 1376234332 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | xXFLAVORSXx: TIFU by losing my wallet at an amusement park an hour before it closed
was actually last night but i group of friends and i went to Hershey Park last night and we road all the rides without indecent well we decide to ride the roller coaster skyrush again about 930-10 so it was dark. well we get up to get on and i take my phone out of my pocket because i didnt want to risk it falling out during the ride and think to myself i'll be ok to let my wallet in my pocket since i'll be sitting on it...nope we finish up i reach to make sure it was there and it was gone now i have to get a new SSN, cancel my credit and debit cards, and get a new drivers license
le_mous: ..."SSN card". Not SSN. You don't have to assume a new identity, you just have to stop by a Social Security office and request a new card.
xXFLAVORSXx: i know i dont need a new identity but if it would happen that someone finds it if they were dicks they could use it since the number isnt changed
le_mous: You can't really change your SSN. That # is with you for the rest of your life
chimera: You can change your SSN [following these steps](http://ssa-custhelp.ssa.gov/app/answers/detail/a_id/79/~/request-for-a-different-social-security-number) if you have a good reason. My friend's dad did it after someone got his SSN; it took a long time and a lot of paperwork.
le_mous: OK, yes. You CAN change your SSN yes. But it's an incredible pain in the ass.
| 6 | 1.666667 | |
1376241762 | 1376449092 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,442 | CharlesMonsoon420: TIFU by letting my Mom eat my penis bagel
If you've read my other post, you already know marijuana and my penis don't mix well. If you didn't know that, you're about to learn.
After a nice wake and bake bong hit, I decide to go down and get some breakfast. I was video chatting with my girlfriend, and she brought up that some guys were telling her that they all enjoy touching their little boy ding dongs to random inanimate objects. She said this as if it came as a surprise to her, which baffled me. The conversation doesn't stop there though. I go to take the cream cheese out of my refrigerator, and grab a bagel to cut in half and toast. With the thought of touching my penis to strange objects still fresh on the mind, I notice the hole in the bagel in a way I never had before. I couldn't believe I had gone my entire life without once putting the head of my flaccid penis into a bagel. After contemplating what I had been doing with my life up to this point, I give it a go. Pajama pants at my knees, I press my dick against the bagel only to find it won't fit. With a mix of disappointment and happiness (I had two different reactions to the fact that it wouldn't fit) I cut the bagel in half. I leave it there on the counter with the cream cheese next to it.
If you've read my other post, you know that penis-y stuff and marijuana and leaving things places do not mix well for me. If you haven't read my other post, you're about to find out.
My mom walks in, yelling something about needing breakfast and asking if she could have a bit of whatever I was making. Being distracted by the TV with a mix of being high, I absent mindedly said yes. 30 seconds later it dawns on me. She is in possession of the penis bagel. I get up as fast as I can, storming after her and barreling through my front door. She was miraculously already through half of the bagel. The fact that it was covered in white cream didn't exactly help the image. I stood there mouth agape as my mom confusedly looked back at me, wondering why I was so entranced by her bagel. We stood there awkwardly looking at each other as she pulled out. I grunted out a bye, and walked shamefully back inside, my sexuality in deep contemplation.
I walk back into the kitchen, ready to stress eat the pain away. I see my older brother holding the other half of the bagel, covering it in gooey, white liquid butter. "You snooze you lose, sorry bud." He says to me. I desperately tried to get the bagel from him, but considering he is 60 pounds heavier than I am and 6% body fat, I didn't stand a good chance. He consumes the entire bagel in front of my practically sobbing eyes, my penis shriveling into the size and shape of a tan raisin from the sexually scarring bagelfest I was currently attending.
tl;dr By the transitive property, my family licked my junk.
[deleted]: > I desperately tried to get the bagel from him, but considering he is 60 pounds heavier than I am and 6% body fat, I didn't stand a good chance.
Uh. "Hey bro. I stuck my dick on that bagel."
Pretty sure he would've stopped eating it.
AtlasWithNumbers: He deserved it for bullying OP and taking that bagel away.
In the back of his mind I bet he didn't even *want* it back.
AfroKing23: That was a typical older brother move.
Source: middle of two 3 boys. You snooze you lose. Especially if you don't listen to the guy trying to help you out.
CharlesMonsoon420: You think YOU have it bad? I'm the youngest
AfroKing23: Nah, the youngest snitches and the older ones too big to fight. I mean, I'm 5'10, 180, not a push over right? He's 6'2, 220. He's a college running back and typically nicer, but still fights for the Goldman GameCube controller.
CharlesMonsoon420: As he should
AfroKing23: Nah. Snitches get stitches. *cracks knuckles*.
You a snitch, OP?
MostEpicRedditor: I'm a 6'3 250 pound and 3% body fat MMA fighter snitch. You looking for a fight then you got one my friend. I will kick every last piece of shit out of you and then stuff it right back. I will then shove you into the dirt and piss all over pathetic and miserable life. After that I will call the police and tell them the way you threatened me and I defended myself. You think it's a good idea to go around acting all tough on the internet while hiding behind your computer screen while living in your mother's basement? You thought wrong motherfucker.
AfroKing23: This is the best reply I've had in a while thanks for making me laugh man.
Now shut up before I pop da trunk on yo ass.
MandersMcManderson: "Now go home and get your FUCKING SHINEBOX"
| 11 | 131.090909 | |
1376251972 | 1376270067 | null | t5_2to41 | 36 | justcantdecide: TIFU by buying a phone with service on it.
Saved up for 2 months to buy a new phone. Found an iPhone on Craigslist, and bought it without switching providers on the spot. Big mistake... The guy didn't take his account info off the phone. He owes over $500 to Sprint, so they refuse to take him off the phone without him paying his bill. I planned to email him, threatening to call China and leave the call going overnight, but now Sprint won't allow calls until the bill is paid.
I have no way of contacting him other than his Craigslist email address. I don't know where he lives or anything. I just arranged to have the phone purchased for $50 for parts.
TL;DR made a stupid Craigslist purchase
Maelyn717: There isn't just a SIM card to remove?
justcantdecide: Nope not with Sprint
Choppincowboy: What model? 4?
justcantdecide: Yes
Choppincowboy: Gotcha, yeah you're fucked with that one.
Source: was an AppleCare tech.
justcantdecide: Thanks... I was wondering if there was anything else to do. Oh well :(
Choppincowboy: Aside from explaining the situation to sprint (which I assume you already have done) there isn't anything that can be done. Shitty news, I know. Good luck!
| 8 | 4.5 | |
1376196686 | 1376260471 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | zalloy: TIFU by not watching my step...
It's been a rough week. I was having a few beers with my husband, and the night was calming down. He went to bed, and I went to get up from the couch and tripped. Fell flat on my face. Split my lip open, and almost knocked out one of my front teeth, Also smashed the fuck out of my knee while I was trying to stop my face smashing into the floor. I'm OK, but I've been sitting with ice on my lip for an hour now, and it hurts to drink my beer or vape. FUCK! All because I didn't look where I was walking. I'm a dumbass!
Cuntmuncher69: Ill just take some time for your lip. Be happy that you didn't lose your front teeth!
zalloy: Lip is swollen up big-time. I've got a big cut inside my upper lip, and a scrape on the outside, under my nose, and a bruise on my cheek. I look like somebody beat the shit out of me. I don't even want to leave the house until it heals up. I'm really lucky I didn't lose my front teeth. I was worried about breaking my nose, and I think I tried to put my head back, so I didn't smash my nose into the floor. My lip bled for a while, and I can feel where one of my front teeth moved, but didn't fall out.
I'm an ass. All because I had to move the computer because my roof leaks. Wasn't looking where I was going, and sacrificed my face to save the computer. :/
Husband's bummed out, because he was looking forward to a blowie tonight. :/
Cuntmuncher69: That sucks, hope you get better soon.
| 4 | 1 | |
1376257946 | 1376495944 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: Tifu by shaving my balls with VEET
Alright so ive never shaved my pubic hair since ive never thought it was necessary. I decided to not do it with an razor. Went smoothly - not all hair is gone and it looks quite ugly but, ill get rid of that soon when it ''calms down'' ( about 3 days )
Alright so ive never dared to shave my balls. Nor pubic hair because of .. razor Accidents. So i decided to play it safe with ''Veet shaving cream''
The pubic hair part was good. No pain nothing felt smooth and was just going good in general.
Untill i put some of the evil cream that is veet onto my balls.
It felt like 9000 tigers were clawing my balls while someone was putting my balls on fire.. it felt so bad i almost cried. its like they did it so you cant use it for your balls.. i hate you veet.
TL:DR, dont use veet shaving cream on ur balls
lamalamalamalama: It specifically says "do not use on the genitalia"
[deleted]: That's cuz they worried a bitch'll shove it in her pussy and fuck her reproductive shit then sue for sum mun cauz hoes be like tht
shockdamonkey: Crazy Russian.
GO1NGD0WN: It started out English and just faded into Russian.
[deleted]: Shhh Resnov is hung over
asmorbidus: Viktor Resnov is dead!
[deleted]: That is lie I escaped vorkuta, I am happy now that dragovitch kreftchanko and Steiner are all dead.
| 8 | 3 | |
1376262475 | 1376331592 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | orangekyxy: TIFU by accidentally right-clicking, losing my team $400k
LightningBlots: You know you're supposed to give a story, right?
[deleted]: It's supposed to be a joke towards The International 2013, a DotA 2 championship hosted by Valve. If you look at OP's username, it's the name of a player on Orange E-Sports and the title is referencing Orange's loss in today's match.
USTIOK: So, only 1% of world population got the reference.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1376267146 | 1376459876 | null | t5_2to41 | 56 | revolvingclosetdoor: TIFU by trimming my manforest.
I've been out of the dating scene for quite a while and have let my undercarriage become somewhat unkempt.
[These are trauma shears](http://i.imgur.com/o8V3DXM.jpg) and here's what the are capable of [doing](http://i.imgur.com/HnLGCaE.jpg).
Since my dumb ass has a thing about using a face trimmer on pubes, I decided to use the pair of shears instead. I don't think I'll ever not use trimmers again.
I was on my third bushel of hair when, mid-clip, I snagged a chunk of upper-dick skin and avulsed a half-inch flap. It wasn't bleeding at first but after about a minute blood started seeping out. Panic, fear, and *why-me's* started shortly after.
I immediately informed my roommate and he got some antiseptic and bandages for me. I managed to find a capsule of skin glue and now tonights events serve as a cautionary tale to myself that I'm not completely darwin-proof.
sexandliquor: >I decided to use the pair of shears
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhFX1B1l06w&feature=youtu.be&t=58s
le_mous: That's a risky click.
32OrtonEdge32dh: No it's not.
| 4 | 14 | |
1376269362 | 1376339626 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by making a steak
I decided since I'm home alone for a few days, that it would be a good idea to make a nice steak dinner. Recipe instructions tell me to heat my oven to 200C/500F and put my saucepan in there. So after getting everything ready for the steak, I get the pan out (with an oven mitt). I drop the steak on the pan and add some bits to it. *initiate fuck up.* I then go for a strong grip on the pan to shake the contents around but this time I did not have my oven-mitt on.
>**SHITFUCKSHITAHHHHFUCKSHIT**
I immediately run over to the sink and turn on some cold water for about a minute cooling my newly-leathered hand. I then went to the freezer and broke ice cubes out of the mould and held them for a while then wrap a load of paper towels around my hand. I decide to go back to cooking this damn steak and obviously go for the other hand. I once again hold the handle but this time I had better reflexes so it didn't burn nearly as bad.
I finish the cooking all while holding a load of ice cubes in my badly burned hand and set eating tools up. These ice cubes end up not being very efficient so I go oldschool and grab a bag of peas from the freezer and begin to eat this muhfuckin' steak. I ended up just shoving my hand palm-down into the frozen peas, by the end of the meal they had all defrosted.
An hour later this shit is still burning and throbbing even after taking asprin/ibuprofens. So I call a taxi to the nearest hospital, go through reception with my details and then I'm sitting in the waiting room. Eventually my name is called out and I sit down with this nurse who asks me what exactly caused my palm to be burned like this. This part was embarrassing but thankfully the nurse was professional about it and dressed the wound. She told me to come back in two days to check on it and it may need further treatment, I hope I can hide all of this before my brother gets back from holiday.
[Here is a pic](http://imgur.com/mSw8m22) of the dressed burn (dont have any before pics)
**TL;DR**: I gripped a 200C metal pan handle without an oven-mitt.
UltimaVirus: Was it really worth going to the emergency room for?
UnanimousResponse: I just went to A&E to get it bandaged since all health websites said a partial-thickness *hand* burn requires medical attention.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1376279960 | 1376314902 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU By being nice and drawing smiley faces on a coffee lid
A regular customer at my work (coffee shop) came through and got his usual (french vanilla cappucino). I drew my signature smiley face I put on all coffee lids. Five minutes later he came again and only bought a donut. I didn't think anything of it until he said, "My name is so-and-so and I want to give you this!" And hands me a piece of paper.
I was shocked. The note had his phone number and said "By the way, you make the best french vanillas!" It was very cute and flattering, but I have a boyfriend. Should I text him? Logic tells me don't, but if I do, tell him I have a boyfriend.
Instead, I text him saying my name. I felt awkward to just assume he ws interested in me as more than friends. A few lengthy texts later, he asked me on a date. He still doesn't know I have a boyfriend. I agreed to the date because curiosity is killing me and I've been doubting my relationship with my boyfriend, anyway. But now I have to shit on someone's day.
TL;DR: I'm a horrible person and I unintentionally lead a guy on even though I have a boyfriend.
echo2bravo: Fuck it, just check him out. If you two click, great. If not, he will probably find a new coffee shop. You acknowledge there are doubts currently, what is the worst that could happen?
audioeng: Ah, the kind of person who goes on dates while in relationships. Always classy!
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1376285159 | 1376340687 | null | t5_2to41 | 53 | [deleted]: TIFU (actually 2 years ago) by sending a text to my soccer coaches
This happened 2 years ago but I'm posting it now because something similar happened and it made me remember it.
I was in Chemistry when this girl walked into the class. She had the hairiest legs I've ever seen. I mean, holy shit. I, for some reason, had to get a picture and send it to my friend. Except I didn't send it to my friend. I sent it to my two soccer coaches and a different friend. The text also included some text. Something along the lines of, "DAMN. Thats a mother fucking girl's legs. I'd still fuck her though."
Come 2 hours later at lunch, my friend that I sent the text to comes up and asks what was up with that message. I looked at him weird, opened my messages and sure enough, I sent them to my coaches too. I had soccer practice everyday too so it was pretty awkward. My coach had a speech a few days later saying that we can't text our coaches anymore because it became illegal or something. I doubt it was my fault that happened but it was still embarrassing.
Edit: The talk of not being able to text our coaches and for them to text us was going on BEFORE this happened. It just didn't become official until after. So relax.
ckyxasg: You doubt it was your fault? They probably didn't want their players sending them stupid shit...I WONDER WHAT BROUGHT THAT UP
Holla-back-at-cha: There was already talk of it before it happened. It just didn't become official until after.
BongMaster395: No, YOU made it official. lol, good story though.
Holla-back-at-cha: Maybe. It makes me feel better though knowing that it probably happened with someone else.
BongMaster395: Haha, touche. (I don't know how to do an accent on the e ): )
| 6 | 8.833333 | |
1376272526 | 1376292186 | null | t5_2to41 | 0 | infinity526: TIFU by drinking grapefruit juice
I was sitting at my desk earlier this afternoon, redditing away, with a nice, tall glass of grapefruit juice on the little pullout-table thing that my desk has. It was sitting on my right side.
Now, for this to make sense, you need to know that my room is pretty small, and when I am sitting at my desk, my back is usually against the edge of my bed. A couple feet to my right, also against the edge of my bed on the floor, is my netbook.
Now, I am sure that you can all see where this is going by now, but as I absentmindedly reached for my glass of juice without looking at it (hey, it was an interesting post, ok?) I instead knocked it over with my wrist, and it spilled all over my floor, and my netbook.
I quickly realized what had happened and picked up the glass, but the damage was done. I picked up the netbook and immediately wiped off the bottom (it was sitting with the bottom up for whatever reason), set it aside, and cleaned up the rest of the spill.
After that was done, I looked up a youtube video on how to tear down the netbook and did so, wiping what I could and blowing off the rest with canned air. Once I was sure it was dry, I screwed it all back together, and in a very stressful moment, turned it on. Luckily, it works fine again, no harm done.
**TLDR** Knocked over grapefruit juice onto netbook, had to completely tear it down and dry it, works fine now.
GO1NGD0WN: I did the same thing with orange juice onto the keyboard of my laptop. Stupid me decides to finish what is left of the orange juice before cleaning so I had to replace the keyboard and then about a month later, I chuck something across my room, over piles of shit, straight into the laptop, shattering the screen. I had to get a new laptop.
infinity526: That sounds like an awful saga. Was it at least a shitty/cheap laptop?
GO1NGD0WN: Relatively cheap, it was around $500
| 4 | 0 | |
1376286605 | 1376417784 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | zfriderici: TIFU by going shirtless
I had just finished making some late-night munchies in the form of pot-stickers (the idea sounded brilliant considering previous activities) and reached across the stove to reach a pack of soy sauce I put across the way.
I reached across the stove. With a lack of a shirt. And according to Gabriel Iglesias, I'm somewhere between Husky and Fluffy. Either way, the protective covering for the abs did its job...at the cost of me now holding an ice pack up to my gut.
TL;DR Munchies had, hot stove + belly = bad
southparkion: What color is the burn? Is it just red?
zfriderici: Red, but it kinda blistered in the middle too...I think it's just a first degree, but still. That shit HURT.
wonderlandrabbit: If it has a blister, it's a 2nd degree. Those actually hurt the worst. Not that you want 3rd degree, they don't hurt because the nerves are killed.
| 4 | 6 | |
1376311896 | 1376410596 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,346 | NeonRedSharpie: TIFU by Not Shutting the Door
The sun shone through the bedroom window a little bit too early this morning and the alarm went off a little bit too loudly. The dreams and visions of niceties gave way to the cold, harsh reality of a Monday morning. The sun appeared to be battling the cold air for extreme supremacy of the small ecosystem outside of my apartment. After a few levels of Candy Crush and a Temple Run failure, I got up, trudged to the bathroom, and looked in the mirror. What looked back was a sad example for a human being in desperate need of a shower, and a new lease on life. I washed my face, brushed my teeth, and turned in to the toilet.
Lifting the seat and dropping my pants, I closed my eyes and enjoyed the sweet release of a morning piss. I was thinking of all the projects due at work before my end of summer vacation on Wednesday. I was thinking of how waking up early was going to pay off and I was going to be able to relax in the afternoon. I was thinking of how my shoulder kind of ached from sleeping at a weird angle. What I wasn't thinking of? My cat.
I heard him first before I ever saw him. I heard the strained meow and the skitter of claws on the porcelain. I heard the frantic chirping of a kitty in peril. I sighed briefly and opened my eyes to a sight I will never forget. He was perched with all four paws on one side of the toilet. He was looking up at me with big wide eyes. At that moment in time, time itself became a moment.
We locked gazes and shared a sympathetic glance as he slowly plummeted into the toilet. Time seemed to slow as he realized his fate. It was mere milliseconds before a urine soaked feline became a speeding bullet through my apartment. I sunk my shoulders, finished my business to the sounds of pained meows and frantic skitters, and flushed the evidence down the toilet.
Now came the fun part; corralling a two year old cat that is closer to a thrashing bull. A wet cat is one thing, but an orange and white cat that is tinged a sickly shade of yellow is a whole other monster. As I walked out of the bathroom, trying to keep my wits about me, I saw the destruction. A thin trail of liquid, undoubtedly spread by his tail, led me on my travels.
He had stopped off on his favorite chair for a spell. It was followed quickly by a jump on the coffee table, over to the couch, and up onto the sofa table. Not satisfied with his new-found hiding spot, he traversed the gap onto the dining room table, ran through the kitchen, and ended up sitting in his favorite spot. That's where I found him. Sitting at the entryway with his favorite toys, cleaning his paws.
I thought about just going back to bed. I thought about giving up and ignoring the problem. I thought about getting dressed and just going to work. But then I saw him cleaning his paws. I saw him licking the urine tinged toilet water off of his previously crisp, white, paws. I went in the bedroom, got a shirt, and headed outside.
I needed my gardening gloves for this. I thought about getting the hose, but then I remembered I don't have a hose. Looking outside onto the still scene of nature, the serenity of chirping birds, the frolicing of baby bunnies, I knew everything was going to be ok. We were over the hump. Soon it would all be forgotten.
I put on my gloves, walked back inside, and turned on the tub. I walked back into the entry way and picked up my smelly cat, if only to keep him from cleaning more of his fur. I made the slow walk to the bathroom, angry cat in hand, with the Imperial March playing in my head. The water was barely coating the bottom of the bath, so I had to stand there, holding my cat at arms length, while the water level rose.
Finally a suitable depth, I took a deep breath, and dunked him in. I wanted to hold him under until the bubbles stopped, but thought better of it. All was going according to plan: one hand scruffing his neck and the other vigorously scrubbing his fur. His flowing ginger locks were becoming clean again and his crisp icy white underbelly was showing through. I reached for the kitty shampoo and let go of his neck to do it. It was then that I realized my final mistake.
Today I fucked up by not shutting the door.
blaqkkat: That was quite an enjoyable read. Hope your cat forgives you.
NeonRedSharpie: He's forgiven me for all the other stuff I do to him.
[Exhibit A](http://imgur.com/a/dYjSA)
[Exhibit B](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AcKFfOP0lJE)
[deleted]: Your Exhibit B is amazing. One of the main reasons I would get a cat is to slightly annoy him all the time.
NeonRedSharpie: Basically 75% of the reason I got a cat.
[Exhibit C](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygRV5hKmdX0)
[Exhibit D](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=juP6Lk8hv08)
[Exhibit E](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XDjTMGSNRyw)
kelification: In your Exhibit D- cats kick their back legs like that due to an instinct they learned from the wild, when the manoeuvre intended to break the neck of their prey. Your cat was effectively trying to break your foot when he kicked you with his back legs like that.
NeonRedSharpie: But damn if I don't still love giving him belly scratches.
KeyserSuzi: I would love to be able to scratch my cats tummy (it looks so soft!) but he'd have my hand off in a flash if I tried. Incidentally, have you ever heard of the [scotch tape trick?](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1gl7xr5rftc)
[deleted]: This link is brilliant!
The awkward walks the cats do had me laughing so hard Im considering buying a cat for this.
Shitty_Human_Being: >buying
You can get cats for free too man.
KeyserSuzi: Only if you catnap them.
| 11 | 122.363636 | |
1376315542 | 1376359179 | null | t5_2to41 | 85 | [deleted]: TIFU by giving myself a facial. [NSFW]
So, I'm on vacation in a different country, and of course, a guy has to do what a guy has to do. Sadly though, since they don't have the same tissues here, it appears as if I hadn't bought strong enough ones.
So when it came to the moment of glory, the load went through the tissue, and into my face.
I like to think that this moment comes once in every guy's life, and I guess it was time for me.
TL;DR: Buy strong tissues.
firefighting_dick: Nope. 8 years in and not happened once.
[deleted]: But what if your face was on fire? Then what would you do?
firefighting_dick: Roll on the ground and try to put it out?
Choppincowboy: You're user name suggests something different...
| 5 | 17 | |
1376320729 | 1376370989 | null | t5_2to41 | 47 | [deleted]: TIFU By cutting jalapenos and then masturbating.
Well it was last night really.. I made some cream cheese and bacon stuffed jalapenos to put on the grill. I bought them at the Mexican market this time cause last time from my normal store they weren't very hot. As I was cutting them I could feel that my hands were getting a little hot. I washed them numerous times before and after dinner and it seemed to go away. Flash to my laying in bed trying to get to sleep... I was restless, and frisky, so without even thinking I reach down and start doing my business. As I am nearing the finish line (doesn't take long) I realize that my clit is ON FIRE. I wash myself and soak in the tub and it sort of alleviated it..but this morning I can still feel a dull throbbing down there.
Edit: spelling
inevitabled34th: Honestly went through the whole story thinking you were a dude
Camshaft92: Same here. Mostly because we guys are usually fucking shit up when it comes to masturbating but this is a welcome change
| 3 | 15.666667 | |
1376348965 | 1382560223 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,462 | WowzersInMyTrowzers: TIFU by jerking it in the living room. NSFW.
So imagine me (or don't), butt ass naked, legs spread open, doing the knuckle shuffle in the living room. I have a pillow under my ass for extra leverage, I'm sexting a hot girl, there's hardcore milf porn on the 54 inch telly, volume at 80, all the curtains closed, and my clothes strewn across the living room.
I'm gettin' into it. Shit's starting to go down. I look at the clock; it's only 9:30. Mom said she won't be home until midnight. This is my night. I almost felt like I was part of the POV vid. I was connecting with the vid on a spiritual level. I was climaxing, and with any luck this wouldn't be the last time that night.
I'm grabbing pillows, my knees are locking, here it is!... *BANG BANG BANG*
"Oh shit"
It's my mom. She's sick, has come home early, has to use the toilet urgently, and is banging on the locked front door.
*BANG BANG BANG*
"Let me in!" She says.
"Holy fuck" I whisper. "HOLD ON!"
I rush to throw on my clothes and open the curtains.
*BANG BANG BANG*
I unplug my computer from the wall and rip the HDMI cable out of it as well.
*BANG BANG BANG*
"Gah. ONE SECOND!"
I hide the lotion, wipe it off my hands, and hide my computer under the couch.
I'm breathing hard now. I'm shaking, panting, my face is red, and my tent is half pitched. My stomach is about to fall out of my butt and my heart is in my throat.
I run up to the door and let my mom in. Only after she lets the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gallop out of her intestines and into the throne does she yell at me.
"WHY DIDN'T YOU LET ME IN? THAT WAS HORRIBLE"
"Sorry I just got out of the shower."
"Then why did it sound like you were in the living room?"
"Oh, uh, I don't know. Maybe you're hearing things. Are you ok? You look sick?"
"I'm fine" she states sternly.
She goes downstairs to go check on my sleeping brothers. I'm almost in the clear. Now all I have to do is get my lotion and computer downstairs. I run downstairs with all the aforementioned items tucked under my arm. I felt like an all-star running back. I toss the evidence onto my bed and run back upstairs. I can't look suspicious.
She comes up and tells me she is going to go lay down. Her stomach is upset an it's just not a good night for her.
"Ok. G'night mom!"
I did it. I had won. My masturbatorium was invaded by the mother ship and I had handled it like a pro. I walked down to my room to finish my fap, and what do I see? My computer. On my desk. Open. Milf porn full screen. Sticky note from my mom. "Nice try."
EDIT: Thanks for all the love guys. I realize some of you dont believe this story. Sorry to hear that.
Also, LOL to the guy who is going through all of my comment history and downvoting me... seriously? I feel so hurt /s
EDIT 2: To all you naysayers, shit wasn't even crumpled up
http://i.imgur.com/gmzrjHd.jpg
Blackbird83: Wait...you went full alone mode with your brothers sleeping downstairs? This scenario could played out any number of bad ways...
WowzersInMyTrowzers: They are 2 and 3, and we lock the door to their room from the outside. We have a baby monitor though so we can hear them. all bases were covered
Ronry: Locking their rooms isn't safe.
WowzersInMyTrowzers: the door unlocks and opens when you turn the hanfle
MistressLiliana: Doesn't matter, still is unsafe as fuck and children and youth would be all up your ass about it. What if there was a fire and you couldn't get to their door to let them out?
LongJonSamuel: You're an idiot, aren't you?
MistressLiliana: No, I am a parent. Not sure why I am being downvoted, but whatever.
feelingfroggy123: You are being downvoted because instead of entertaining the idea that for some children it IS safer to lock them in, you are instead insisting it's black and white and oh nos one should never do that. You are being highly judgmental and not considering any other factors. Did I lock my kids in their rooms? No. However did my friend whose kid sleepwalks? Hell yea! He slept walked outside and into the street :/ You tell me what's safer the off chance of a fire? Or the more likely chance of him becoming road kill :/
Ronry: (Extremely late) What if you lock the outside door instead? Same type of problem with locking the kid's door, but allows more areas to escape to, including first-story windows where firefighters could assist them more easily. Also, who doesn't lock the front door at night?
feelingfroggy123: A locked front door would not deter a sleep walking child unless the lock was in a place the child could not get to. You would also have to assume the entirety of the house was 110% childproofed.
Ronry: I accept and back your argument.
| 12 | 121.833333 | |
1376352279 | 1376420606 | null | t5_2to41 | 350 | xxkibblezxx: TIFU on a first date.
This was actually about a week ago. I just recently moved out on my own, into my first apartment. Naturally, I hit up my local IKEA for some odds and ends: oven mits, bathroom rug, plates and bowls, etc.
I'm reaching the end of the Ikea labyrinth, and I am walking through the final section that is like the [warehouse](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fdjf4lMmiiI) from Raiders of the Lost Ark.
I see this cute girl who seems confused and lost, looking for her particular set of boxes. I help her find them all and even pick them up and place them on her cart for her.
Suddenly, this odd surge of confidence sweeps over me and I ask her if she is doing anything later that night. She says she isn't, gives me her number and address, and our date of dinner and drinks for that night is on!
So I am pulling up to her place several hours later. I call her and she says she isn't ready yet but she will let me in so I am not waiting in the car alone. So at this point I am in her room, sitting on her bed, making small talk as she finishes getting ready for the evening. She turns to me and says with a smile, "Hey, Joe, how do these pants make me look?"
And I reply, "Lumpy."
Lumpy.
LUMPY!?
I SAID SHE LOOKS LUMPY?!?
Fuck!!! Why did I say that? It was the very first thing to come to my mind. Lumpy. FUCKING LUMPY!!!!
She glares at me but we continue with the date. When the night is over, I drop her off and she suddenly has a "stomach ache," and will be going to bed alone.
Oh well, [these are the breaks](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ZDUEilS5M4)!
Silent-Hex: Of all the adjectives in the English language you chose "Lumpy." Good effort OP.
xxkibblezxx: There was no thinking involved, it was just the very first word to come out of my mouth.
Silent-Hex: Don't worry bro. All of us guys do it at least once in our lives. A while ago my girlfriend asked me to describe her in one word and I said "Fat." I was looking at the wrong body part(s). Needless to say we broke up.
Decapentaplegia: >"Fat."
Oh. Well then.
Silent-Hex: That was her reply too. The look on her face made me feel horrible. I just stood up and walked off knowing I screwed up.
Decapentaplegia: *A-and then, h-he just stood up and walked awaaaaayyyyyy :'(*
Silent-Hex: Wow, now I feel like I made it worse by walking away. Thanks.
Decapentaplegia: Well... you did? this is a subreddit for that after all
Silent-Hex: I didn't even think about that.
| 10 | 35 | |
1376355480 | 1376356098 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by not realising what side of the bed i was on
Woke up in the middle of the night and thought i was on a different side so i leant over to grab my charger and smashed my forehead on the bedside table, so i obviously reared my head back up so i hit my cheek on it. So now ive woken up and i have an egg on my head and a black eye.
KaktusDan: WTF is a forehead table?
FranklinFox: Haha i fixed it, sorry.
KaktusDan: Oh, thanks dude! Make me look batshit crazy!
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1376347094 | 1376377055 | null | t5_2to41 | 62 | JebusNorris: TIFU by asking my dad for a blowie.
So this morning I wake up go out into the kitchen and find out everyones awake already. I go get dressed and soon realise I need to blow my nose of all last nights boogas. So once I'm dressed I go back through and ask dad, for a blowie not realising I didn't say the word I meant (handkerchief)i because I literally just woke up.
Awkward silence ensures and dad yells at me "JEBUSNORRIS, GO TO YOUR MOTHER FUCKING ROOM!"
So I go, still not realising what I've done and go sit down in my room. He comes in a few minutes later and asks me "do you know what you asked for?" "me?" "no shit its you" "ummmmm, a blowie for my nose..."
At this point my dad stops and says "you're more kinky than I thought you were... OHHHH" And this was when he realised and basicly broke down laughing. Mum comes through and barely manages to get what I meant and now I'm the laughing stock of the family all because I asked my dad for a blowie.
MrSparta618: I would love to have a kid named Jebusnorris.
JebusNorris: Thanks man, have an upvote <3
| 3 | 20.666667 | |
1376359207 | 1376360847 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | ellipses1: Why does screen sharing between two macs suck so bad compared to windows remote desktop?
EPIDKRAWER: Not the right subreddit dude
Ali-Sama: Now his story fits.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1376361759 | 1376369889 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | gay_mike: Not sure how, but I know I did
MistressLiliana: Maybe the issue is that you are gay, going by the user name. Also, learn to use capitals and punctuation.
GingerFucker: I just read that in one breath due to the utter lack of full stops. Even reading in my brain-voice, grammar controls my breathing...huh.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1376355921 | 1376370015 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | RonaldTheRedditor: TIFU by going to Wendy's
So my day pretty much sucked.
Let's start off with the shitty morning of me waking up early at 7:30. So I just sit on my couch and recollect my thoughts of my daily chores. Half asleep, my mother comes upstairs saying we need to help my 90-year-old grandmother.
**SHIT JUST HIT THE FAN**
So we scarf down a leftover pancake and head out to the car. We drive 2 blocks down the street to my grandmothers crappy old house. We push her out in her rickety old wheelchair to the 90 degree car, as she bitches and moans about how she doesn't wand to go outside and "She wants to stay home and catch up on her shows." Now mind you when shes home she constantly complains about being lonely.
She does have a caretaker who does not speak fluent English, so when you combine that with a defective-hearing old lady, you get a serious tornado of confusion. We drive to the mall and walk around Macy's and all the terrible woman stores that my mother drags me to.
But, after about 3-4 hours, we decide it's insanely hot and why not get some ice-cream? Ohhh ho ho hooo! That was the moment of truth! We drove to Wendy's and ordered four chocolate Frosty Shake Things. We drive around the neighborhood so everyone can indulge on the fine delicacy that is chocolate. But this was no delicacy....this was Satan's very shit in my cup. After about 2/3 of my ice cream demolished by my sweet tooth... I felt a shit coming on.
So I asked my Mom to politely pull in front of my house so I may rush to the bathroom. I sit down as a stream of brown liquid floods the porcelain throne in which I sit. Oh god the full blown squirts. 4 times in the past 2 hours have I shit the milky ooze. My toilet is clogged and I still have to shit. At this point my anus has the grand canyon tearing through my buttcheeks.
I take a shower to cleanse by bungholio of its pain. I apply some cream to stop the burn. That was a **MISTAKE**! I've never felt such pain in my ass it cannot be put into words. And it still burns now. An hour later.
TL;DR I ate a Wendy's frosty, got the shits, burned and tore my butthole into a gateway to oblivion, and clogged my only toilet
southparkion: The worst kind of poops are when you have cuts on your anus from shitting to much, combined with those burning shits you get every once in a while. That shit hurts.
RonaldTheRedditor: Oh god yes
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1376349828 | 1376419272 | null | t5_2to41 | 30 | tonyalynn: TIFU by not looking before letting someone in..
So I just moved into this motel room with my boyfriend, because my boyfriends dad owns it and is giving us an awesome deal. Well I'm here alone getting everything situated, not expecting guests at all. Well, I had put my toys in the bathroom sink and forgot about them. Well...my boyfriends dad who also happens to be my boss where I work comes in to put some finishing touches on the room..which just so happen to be in the bathroom. Needless to say, I am mortified. And can't look him in the eyes...today, I fucked up.
mydirtypersona: That's pretty embarrassing. For the longest time I've left anal beads hanging on a hook by the tub and had the lube next to the soap pump. If someone noticed, they sure didn't say anything.
Was this a large, challenging, devious collection? Cheap-o floppy dongs and mirror finish vibrators, or some nice lelo or other postmodern and high efficiency clit dazzlers ?
tonyalynn: That's great. None of it was huge. It was a purple rabbit, which if you're shy about toys is mortifying to look at. A pink vibrator, and I don't know what their actual name is but the weighted balls. Needless to say, he got a little red in the face.
mydirtypersona: Ben wah balls? I guess on their own they are innocuous. Rabbit vibrators are pretty intimidating. Well, at least these are pretty commonplace toys today.
| 4 | 7.5 | |
1376377292 | 1376427051 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | FlowNiggaWolf: TIFU by letting a friend come over
So today I went to get a bottle of vodka with some friends. I successfully got the bottle home ready for a fun night. Now I happen to be underage so this is kind of a big deal. I let my friend quickly sneak to my room with the paraphernalia and give him the break down: No leaving the room for any reason, hide the stuff, be quiet until I come downstairs and signify coast clear. Simple rules right? Wrong, my friend (Bob) decided to open my door and lounge around downstairs, and hit a bong in the basement family room.
I decide I'd bring him some food to occupy time while we wait for my mom to go to sleep. There he is squating, smells like smoke, eyes redder than the devils dick. I ask him about it, he replys, "I didn't do anything I just got bored" Now he'd been there for about a total of 15 minutes and he was already breaking every rule.
Skip forward mom finds Bob downstairs, tells him to go home. I ask "can I walk him home?" She says sure just as long as I hurry back, me and Bob stand outside for about 15 minutes and pretend to walk Bob home, as I theoretically return, I walk through the front door and my mother tells me to go downstairs to view what she found in my room while I was absent. Now I knew I was fucked.
Mom proceeds to tell me of what she found. I tell her it is a friends and I was holding it for this different friend so he wouldn't be caught. She tells me that she searched me because it "smelt like pot". This was mostly Bobs fault and I feel like an idiot.
Tldr; don't expect friends to follow very cleat instructions.
ickolas: Man. I dont miss living at home.
Fuck bob.
barnacledoor: Damn, I came here to say "fuck bob".
zeroX90: Buck Fob
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1376375433 | 1376452852 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by having a panic attack in front of my boyfriend.
It was online, not in person, at least so it's not as bad as it could have been. We were Skyping via mobile, he fell asleep, that's what I assumed. But was I able to send him a quick text saying goodnight and I'll talk to you tomorrow? NOOOO. My scumbag brain decided it was a great time to decide someone had snuck into his room and slit his throat or some dumb shit like that. And I realized this was illogical. But was I able to just push it aside and go to sleep? NOOOO. My scumbag brain decided to send him 500 messages asking if he was okay and omg it's been 20 minutes are you alive? WHAT THE FUCK, BRAIN? That was like the epitome of Overly-Attached Girlfriend. As a general life rule, I try to never do things like this. Because I find it fucking annoying when people do it to me. I am so embarrassed. THIS is why I never let these stupid thoughts out loud. Because then I look like a lunatic. And now I'm panicking AGAIN that he thinks I'm crazy. Or annoying. So I sent a huge super long apology that was totally unnecessary. Well. He's an amazing guy so I don't think he'll see it as that big of a deal. I hope. You know what? Maybe I should just shut my mouth and go to bed. That sounds like I plan. Okay.
**TL:DR** Read the title. Or how about reading the story, lazy-pants...
Edit: And now I realize I'm blowing this out of proportion and it's not really a big deal. I should learn to just shut up and not over-think things so much. I will work on that. Okay.
SketchmannT: You know, they do have medication to control your anxiety attacks. You might want to look into that.
UnderAPaperMoon: Thanks, but I haven't had a full-blown anxiety attack in a very long time. I wouldn't consider this the worst panic attack I've had. I honestly rarely have them. Maybe once every three months or so. It's not something that stops me from functioning on a daily basis.
SketchmannT: Well, thats good to hear, I'm sure as you get older those attacks will become less and less, and I wish you Godspeed and a good life.
UnderAPaperMoon: Thank you!
| 5 | 1 | |
1376378915 | 1376498769 | null | t5_2to41 | 181 | aescobar32: TIFU just now when i lent my roomate my car
The cops just called me, asking me if i let aescobar32's roomate drive the car. he apparently drove an hour away and ran out of gas and the cops stopped because they looked suspicious. he is drunk and no gas in my car means i need to go to a gas station, grab gas, go get my car, punch my roomate in the face, leave him there and head back. what a motherfucker.... im about to get a ride there... brb
lucy__b: >TIFU just now when i lent my EXroomate my car
ftfy
The_Munz: Agreed, I would look into getting a different roommate if at all possible.
aescobar32: done, moving out by the end of the week
| 4 | 45.25 | |
1376384739 | 1376458326 | null | t5_2to41 | 115 | datonelasttime: TIFU while drunk.
Throwaway for many many reason.
I'm 17 for starters, I have my life planned, college already paid for amazing GPA and ACT scores. My life is pretty much set. With my mentallity I want all my partying to be set aside in high school because the career path i'm taking won't allow any of it. But I fucked up. I got drunk off a shit amount of whiskey and eventually found some hydrocodone. I ended up taking 13 of them. During the night I was fine, that's why I took so many I couldn't feel the effects but come the morning everything changed. I overdosed, hard. I've passed through many of the symptoms but I'm still suffering. At one point i thought I was going to die, i couldn't even drink water with out vomiting. I think I might have done permanent damage. I'm too afraid to tell me parents, my mom is oblivious to the fact and just thinks I got food poisoning.
richmond_b: Dude, get your ass to the hospital, you took WAY too much. Hydrocodone usually has acetaminophen in the pill, and the amount you took can kill you. It works by killing your liver and kidneys, so that you slowly die over the course of a few days. Get to the hospital and and they can prevent any further damage, but most of the damage is done in the first 16-24 hours, afterwards you're essentially already dead. The stuff in the amount you took is what people take to commit suicide.
Source: Accidentally ODed on roxicet (same stuff in liquid form) last week, almost died (took it for pain, didn't realize how powerful it was, all it took was the equivalent of 3 tablespoons to put me in the hospital, less than what you took.)
datonelasttime: Oh shit. I woke up this morning with no symptoms whatsoever but a small appetite. Are you sure it kicks in after a few days? That just scared the living shit out of me, I thought it would just pass through my system. And I don't know if it was 13, I couldn't count but it was over a prescribed amount.
[deleted]: Dude. Why didn't you go sooner? You need to get up and get there ASAP. You are literally dying right now. Don't be embarrassed to tell your mom, your life is on the line.
datonelasttime: But I don't feel any more symptoms and I was told they showed up after 24-36 hours. It's been past that.
[deleted]: Look, if treatment is delayed, you can have permanent brain damage or die. They also need to monitor your breathing and soak up any leftover drug. The first 24 hours is when the most damage is done, you might still die over the next few days. Another thing that could happen is that you fall asleep and can't be woken up. You still need to go to a hospital.
If you don't go or go too late you can slowly, and painfully die.
datonelasttime: I read all of the articles and talked to poison control, brain damage was not listen or mentioned. The drug only affects liver and kidneys.
[deleted]: Sorry, I didn't know you talked to poison control.
datonelasttime: It's okay man, I'm a little relieved at the moment. She said 24-36 hours is when I should start feeling symptoms in the abdominal region and that's when it starts to get bad. it's been 54+ and have not experienced any of it. The dosage of the pills were very minuscule (5mg I think dont take my work) and one of my buddies that told me I took 13 was actually emphasized it, saying I took maybe 6 at most, still a lot but not as much as 13. I'm going to wait a little longer, if i feel more symptoms I'm immediately heading to the hospital.
richmond_b: I'm glad that you talked to poison control. Be aware, most hydrocodone pills have 5 mg hydrocodone and 325 mg acetaminophen. If you only took 6, that's 1950 mg of acetaminophen which isn't that bad. If you took 13, that puts you at 4225 mg, which is dangerous, though not necessarily deadly. However, if you took pill with the 5 to 500 mg ratio, that puts you at 6500 mg for 13 pills, enough for liver failure. Be aware that symptoms of liver failure (yellowing of the eyes or skin) wont happen until 60 to 72 hours. I would take a look in the mirror and check your eyes and skin, and keep a close eye on both. The possibility of an OD also depends a lot on how used your body is to this drug, as well as your body weight.
Acetaminophen becomes toxic at about 90mg per kg, so you are most in danger if you are in the 140 lbs to 160 lbs range based on the maximum assumed dose (6500 mg). The reason why this is so dangerous is because when this stuff is broken down by your liver, it creates a toxic byproduct, so it slowly creates more and more poison as the drug is broken down. This poison is not fast either, and slowly starts killing the cells in your liver. Liver death is not immediately noticeable either, and it can take a while for symptoms to appear, even if your liver is damaged beyond repair. I hope you are alright OP, just watch for yellowing of the eyes, and don't hesitate to head to the hospital if you need to. This is the same stuff in Tylenol, so if you need, make up some bullshit story about accidentally taking to much Tylenol and get some help.
Whatever happens, post us once you know you are okay.
datonelasttime: Well I took your advice and went to the doctor. He told me verbatim what you typed out. He said there was no yellowing and we had a long discussion that ended in me being sent home.
richmond_b: Glad you're ok OP. Like I said I JUST had this happen to me, and my body reacted a lot worse than yours did. Better to be safe than sorry.
Edit: spelling
datonelasttime: Well you cared more than any of my friends did, none of them wanted to be busted for a party and they just told me to shrug it off. This couldn't have a better out come, I'm fine and my parents haven't the slightest clue of it. It's not on my records or anything and my body seems to be in good shape. I can't thank you enough for hounding me with the facts, because of you I called poison control and went to the doctor. Thanks man. And sorry you had a worse outcome, judging by your character you didn't deserve it worth shit. You're an amazingly great person, I'll make sure to pay forward your kindness.
richmond_b: Just glad you're okay man. Be more careful in the future :)
Edit: thanks for paying it forward.
| 14 | 8.214286 | |
1376386484 | 1376586200 | null | t5_2to41 | 118 | GalaxyLand: TIFU by writing jokes in a spiral.
I was a freshman in high school. I was in my last period class, Biology. Of course, my ADD kicked in and it was extremely hard for me to concentrate on what the teacher was talking about.
So I pull out a small spiral, with like 200 pages in it.
Earlier that week, I had started a sort of insider with my friends to make a new type of meme called "Sometimes I" jokes. These jokes always began by saying "Sometimes I" and never made any sense whatsoever. Especially not to someone who wasn't in on the joke.
If I remember correctly, here was one of the jokes:
"Sometimes I pretend I'm John Lennon and fondle Mojo Jojo's tits."
Like I said, these jokes had absolutely no point to them. At all.
There I was, writing in that notebook, when my Biology teacher realized I wasn't paying attention. She walked over to my desk, took my spiral, and continued teaching. In my mind I was panicking. I was so scared. After class, she called me up to her desk, and the worst thing imaginable happens... She opens the spiral.
With my terrible luck, she of course happened to flip to the worst joke in the whole book:
"Sometimes I rip my balls off with a chainsaw and then staple them back together."
What the fuck was I thinking when I wrote those? I was immediately sent to the principal, my parents were called, and every joke was read to them. Every. Single. One.
TL;DR I wrote hundreds of dumb jokes in a notebook and my parents, teacher, and principal think I'm mentally unstable.
Flippo_The_Hippo: That really sucks that this happened to you. But I have to say those jokes sound hilarious. I almost spit my water out on the balls joke.
GalaxyLand: I could always message more of them to you if you'd like. Hell, I've been thinking about starting a subreddit for them.
Flippo_The_Hippo: If you start a subreddit, I will definitely subscribe. I could also probably get a few of my friends to sub as well.
GalaxyLand: Alright, I'm setting one up now! I'll put up a link when I'm done!
Johner1261: 6 hours later... Will you deliver?
Salmontaxi: Nah
GalaxyLand: /r/sometimesijoke
Salmontaxi: Today OP was a pretty cool guy.
GalaxyLand: I'm flattered!
| 10 | 11.8 | |
1376357600 | 1376432218 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | Anon_Alcoholc: TIFU by not paying attention
Average day at work, not too busy, not too slow either, I just recently quit drinking so I'm not completely focused today not that my job really requires my 100% focus 100% of the time anyways so I'm getting by just fine. I'm getting ready to go on my break while waiting for another co worker to come in at 5, he's usually late so I decided to just go before he gets there, figure what's a few minutes anyways. So I head up stairs to get my headphones so I can drown out whoever's outside, I walk out of the department and quickly glance behind me to if he's there. BAM. I hear a crack, fuck my first reaction was I knocked something over and it smashed on the ground. Nope, I turn around to see this little girl her head laying on the floor and beginning to cry her fucking eyes out. Her mom runs over and picks her up with my apologizing relentlessly, even after I come back down the stairs with my stuff. Still feel fucking horrible about this, she seemed to be ok just upset like any kid would be but still can't stop thinking about it and how that little girls doing now.
TL;DR Turn around for a split second, little girl goes down.
ShelbySue9109: now i want to know what you do that needs your attention that badly. are you a medical professional?
Anon_Alcoholc: I think you misread, I said it doesn't need my attention. I work in a deli so yeah nothing close to the medical field.
ShelbySue9109: you are correct...i apologize
| 4 | 3 | |
1376408596 | 1376435806 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,985 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting my friend play GTA
My friend was over, and he wanted to try GTA 4 on my Xbox, so I set it up for him. I had other business to take care of though; we're going out of country in a week, and I had to call the Canadian Border Services Agency to clarify a few questions I had about importing a few personal items back into Canada.
So I set GTA up for my friend, and I'm on hold with the CBSA. I'm sitting in the same room as my friend at this point, and about 5 minutes into holding for the CBSA officer to show up, when my friend starts messing around with the outfit my character has on. He changed the outfit to some suit, and frankly, it looked retarded, so I asked him to put the Bomber jacket back on. I call a Bombardier jacket "Bomber jacket" for short, as I'm sure many people do; I know I'm not the only person that uses "Bomber jacket." So my friend tells me that he likes the suit better. At this point I'm paying more attention to my friend than I am to the phone call on hold, when I tell him in a clear and distinctive tone to "Put the bomber jacket back on!"
As luck would have it, the CBSA officer came on just in time to hear me say that, and I had go through a long, winding, and awkward explanation as to what a "Bomber jacket" was, and how all of this was just a part of a video game. Thankfully he just laughed about it.
unceunceunce: American TIFU: shitting all over yourself or getting caught masturbating
Canadian TIFU: a friendly misunderstanding that ends in laughs for everybody
bs1095: >ends in laughs for everyboy
But what about the girls? They can laugh, too, right?
Lonelan: They can't laugh until the patriarchy has been abolished and rape culture is eradicated and equal pay for equal work and they are allowed to vote and drive and iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii willllll alllllwaaayyyys love youuuuuuuu
mirshe: /r/tumblrinaction is leaking.
utah1percenter: I'm sorry I clicked on this.
| 6 | 330.833333 | |
1376417266 | 1376422074 | t3_1kahst | t5_2to41 | -38 | TuxedoGing: She doesn't like baseball anyway, but tbh I don't imagine this helped.
I'm not gay for the players, though. It's not like I watch baseball to get off or anything.
[deleted]: Yeahhh, we know. You watch it for the plot.
^^^^^yoursecretssafewithus
ReadsSmallTextBot: >yoursecretssafewithus
FKReadsSmallTextBot: ^^^^^yoursecretssafewithus
ReadsSmallTextBot: >yoursecretssafewithus
FKReadsSmallTextBot: ^^^^^yoursecretssafewithus
ReadsSmallTextBot: >yoursecretssafewithus
FKReadsSmallTextBot: ^^^^^yoursecretssafewithus
ReadsSmallTextBot: >yoursecretssafewithus
FKReadsSmallTextBot: ^^^^^yoursecretssafewithus
| 10 | -3.8 | |
1376415268 | 1376441310 | null | t5_2to41 | 68 | ExtraPlus: TIFU by breaking my friend's 3DS whilst playing Mario Kart 7.
A friend of mine invited me to his house one day. We're both big gamers, and he just bought a new 3DS a week or so ago with Mario Kart 7.
Before this, I just started playing mario kart wii again after digging it out of the depths of hell. I played it with a **wii remote.**
So after hours of messing around on the PS3, Xbox, Wii, PC, and (kill me) Wii U, he brings out his 3DS. I've never used a 3DS before, and I'm not entirely aware of its capabilities and functions. I watch him do a couple races and he asks if I wanna have a try at it, so he gave it to me and I started up the race.
It was Mushroom Gorge, a track with a lot of air time, lots of jumps. As soon as I got air on the first jump, I shook the 3DS violently, hoping that Mario would do a trick in the air.
"STOP IT MAN! WTF ARE YOU DOING? YOU'RE BREAKING IT!"
Me: "Holy shit, bro! I didn't know! How do you do a trick?"
"Press L."
The next turn came up, and I pressed L.
Then I shook the life out of the 3DS. Only this time, the screen bent a little too far backwards. I sat there in silence, stunned at what ungodly thing I just did. My friend gave me a blank stare. I attempted to snap the screen back into place. I had to apply a little force, and there was a loud snap.
The screen went floppy like a flaccid penis.
"Oh, it's okay. I have warranty on it," He said that, looking obviously unsettled.
He hasn't contacted me since and he deleted me on PSN.
[deleted]: WTF, man. Why would you shake it again? This is pretty funny, at least he had warranty.
bouncehouse45: Why would you shake a 3DS?
| 3 | 22.666667 | |
1376415754 | 1376448579 | null | t5_2to41 | 37 | Throwawaywaxmuseum: TIFU by trying to wax excess hair in inaccessible places.
A few weeks ago, my boyfriend invited me to meet him at a hotel. So I'm thinking awesome, random hotel sex, no big annoying road trip needed.
I've actually not been with him (we've only been dating a month or so), and I'm still in that "OMG WTF if he thinks I'm not perfect? I want him to think I have a perfect, bangin' pornstar body," mode.
Bright idea!
Sugar wax strips!
So I buy them a few days before and on the morning of, get up the courage to groom myself. I'm getting ready to wax my bikini area and think to myself, "Gee, what if he thinks I have a fuzzy ass?" I have plenty of strips, and think if I run out it's no big deal, I'll just use my razor and trimmer, since I can at least see that part of me. So I read the directions and stick the wax strips ANYWHERE on my bum there is hair. Then, I go to rip them off and... Pain!!! But gosh, something else doesn't feel right. I touch my cheek... Sticky. I freak out and climb up onto my sink to look at my rear in the mirror, and I can feel it... My ass cheeks are glued together by this wax! Then, I see the horrible green perfectly rectangular shapes of wax stuck to my skin. Not only did it hurt, I only succeeded in pulling my hair. And of course, gluing my two halves together.
So I quickly draw a hot bath and scrub with a ton of soap, it does no good. I thankfully remember that I have a bottle I mineral oil that might work. It does for the most part... But I still have lingering stickiness and my skin is now lovely red and raw.
Hey, let's just have pizza and watch a movie tonight, boyfriend!
ryanlrussell: What happened? Did he say "If you didn't want to do butt stuff, I would have respected your wishes... you didn't have to glue it closed."
Throwawaywaxmuseum: I wasn't even thinking about anal at the time, I was just worried about him touching my bare skin and feeling that it was fuzzy and not smooth. Damn my mammalian characteristics!
The sad part is I'm not even that hairy, I was just being really self-conscious.
| 3 | 12.333333 | |
1376422367 | 1376465838 | null | t5_2to41 | 83 | APlaidZebra: TIFU by fingering my girlfriend with her parents home.
I head over to her house, as usual I say my hellos and have a pleasant conversation with her mother (who seems to like me). We head upstairs to play GameCube (It was smash bros day), after an hour or so of playing we started getting promiscuous. I took off her belt and slid my hand down and started going to town. We just recently started dating and I had done this before, but she had yet to return the favor. She slid down my pants and started jerking me off. Things were getting pretty nice, she had never done that before but she grasped the concept pretty quick (so punny). Her mom stealth modes it upstairs, and even with my perfect hearing I failed to hear her... she was a freaking ninja. She opens the door while I'm 2 knuckles deep in her daughter while she has a firm grasp on my dick. We look like deer caught in the headlights, and we're both having miniature heart attacks. She says, "door stays open from now on" and I leave after 15 minutes of "maybe she didn't see anything". She has yet to confront her about what we were doing, but I can't help but feel like I won't be allowed over there anymore.
TorsionFree: >we started getting [promiscuous](http://i.imgur.com/q9YcVKO.jpg)
Legion299: Hey man, hands are sexual partners too. I have sex all the time, every day.
VanDanger: ....non stop.
| 4 | 20.75 | |
1376437231 | 1376509671 | null | t5_2to41 | 59 | Hahahanot: TIFU by snap chatting my guy friend naked
So I was snapchatting right after I got out if the shower and was trying to take a snap of something in front of me but my brother opened the door and saw me naked so I naturally flipped shit and without thinking, hit the send button after .5 seconds after realizing that the camera had flipped to front camera and sent a full on boob picture to my friend who happens to be the boyfriend of my really close friend. He has yet to snap back...
Edit: IT'S BEEN 25 MINS AND HE HASN'T RESPONDED EVEN THO I SENT HIM ANOTHER PRETENDING IT DIDN'T HAPPEN
[deleted]: Be prepared to recieve a dick pic.
Hahahanot: How did you know
[deleted]: Haha really?
Hahahanot: Yeahhh...I told him was an accident and so we just said to forget about it but I will never. Forget. Ever.
[deleted]: Haha I'm sorry.
| 6 | 9.833333 | |
1376471694 | 1376510669 | t3_1kbfsi | t5_2to41 | 16 | GodComplexGuy: Yeah, he isn't canadian.
Canadians say they're sorry.
le_mous: And they smell like maple syrup.
GodComplexGuy: He sure doesn't smell like maple syrup. I don't think he actually smells like anything. Then again, I don't go around huffing my friends odor.
le_mous: He's probably not Canadian then. Could be Armenian.
GodComplexGuy: I know his nationality. In case you haven't noticed, I am the guy in the post.
le_mous: Yeah, I saw that.
| 6 | 2.666667 | |
1376440863 | 1376571996 | null | t5_2to41 | 133 | Stefy98: TIFU by putting french fries in my car's air vent
I had just picked my kid up from daycare at 3:30pm. I was told he didn't want to eat lunch. Okay, no big deal. As soon as we get in the car, he starts fussing and telling me he's hungry. I decided to stop by BK on the way home and get him some french fries. They turn out to be boiling lava hot. I thought I was being clever by [sticking them in the air vent](http://i.imgur.com/omzPDY1.jpg) with the A/C on low to cool them off for him. It worked like a charm! He stopped fussing and had a rare treat as an afternoon snack.
Next time I get into the car, I'm driving along when it starts getting warm. I decided to crank the A/C and salt flies into my eyes while I'm on the highway. I am not a smart woman.
RenesisMSP: Would this vehicle happen to be a Mazda product?
thebornotaku: FWIW this is a super common style of vent. Fords, Mazdas, Toyotas, I'm sure some Hondas...
Hell, even my girlfriend's Pontiac* even has these.
^^^*Pontiac ^^^by ^^^badge ^^^only ^^^it's ^^^actually ^^^a ^^^Toyota
accountdureddit: >*Pontiac by badge only it's actually a Toyota
How does that work?
thebornotaku: Pontiac Vibe.
Toyota Matrix chassis and engine. It was a joint venture between GM and Toyota and it was built at NUMMI in CA.
accountdureddit: ah.
thebornotaku: Kind of how chrysler and mitsubishi worked together on early eclipses, or how pugueot, Renault and volvo designed an engine together
rc12b: also the pontiac g8 being a copy of the vauxhall vxr8, and the dodge stealth a twin of the mitsubishi 3000gt and many many other ones....
thebornotaku: They aren't copies. Literally the same car. Different badges, that's it.
rc12b: that's what I meant. I should have said "rebadged"
| 10 | 13.3 | |
1376452594 | 1376507224 | null | t5_2to41 | 351 | I_miss_my_stitches: TIFU by having a cyst removed.
So for a really long time now I have had this cyst. Nothing particularly special about this cyst. As far as r/WTF guidelines it would have probably rated at a "why did you even submit this picture" level.
So it's a small cyst.
Well today I had this cyst removed by a Dermatologist at my own request. So he numbs the area and starts to go to town cutting out this thing that has bothered me for so long.
He finishes mutilating me and gives me two stitches to make sure it heals up all nice and pretty.
Flash forward to tonight, I'm talking to this girl and somehow the conversation turns to sex. Not phone sex just talking about sex like any other thing in the world. Well she hangs up and I'm at my computer thinking of a million different things I should have said to her during the conversation.
Something starts stirring in my pants. I popped a small erection.
Cool?
Cool.
Actually: horrible.
The cyst was on my penis.
I just popped two stitches, ON MY PENIS, opening a very fresh crater about the size of a hole punch in a piece of paper ON MY PENIS because I couldn't get my mind off sex.
TL;DR: I popped 2 stitches on my dick where a cyst had just been removed.
Edit: format
VivaLaVodkaa: So you can't have an erection until it fully heals. I'm not sure how I would manage.
I_miss_my_stitches: 2-3 weeks. I fully expect to have this happen again.
King_Pumpernickel: The trick is to get it stitched when you pop a boner, and then maintain it for 3 weeks.
b2311e: Calm down Satan, you gotta let a man piss every once in a while
KoalaBomb: [Pick one](http://www.magicbluepill.com/hax/peeing.html) [Kinda NSFW]
*If I was rich, I'd definitely piss like Superman every morning.*
b2311e: HAHAHAHAHA I soooooo want to go and try that, but our toilet has a wall next to it :(
KoalaBomb: Yeah, same here. Curse my tiny bathroom!
| 8 | 43.875 | |
1376454181 | 1376499377 | null | t5_2to41 | 340 | krissee: TIFU by not beating my husband to the bathroom.
So this just happened a few minutes ago. It has been really hot here and when it get's hot my stomach acts up and gives me the Johnny Jogger's. Today was no different.
I was sitting on the computer as my husband watched some T.V when he disappeared. I told my friend with whom I had been talking to on Yahoo that I would "brb... potty break" I go down the hall to our one and only bathroom only to find it already occupied. UH OH! My cheeks were clenched as tight as i could make them as the oh so glorious sounds of my stomach gurgling and the pressure increased. My husband says he just sat down to do his nightly ritual and that it may be awhile as the heat was affecting him too. Cue drastic measures. I attempted to busy my mind with making the bed and just walking around. Guess what? IT DIDN'T WORK! As thoughts of me running out the door to "commune with nature" ran through my head I felt the pressure increase.
What could go wrong? I run out the door and into the tree line (I live in the country... thank God!) and as soon as my pants came down the molten hot lava erupted from my anus with the loudest most obnoxious sounds following with it.
Now may be the time that I should tell you that the piece of land i live on has 2 houses on it and while I thought my neighbor was out of town for work I will soon found out that i was mistaken.
He had just gotten home and was out in his yard and heard my grunts and other noises. Not knowing what it was he came thinking that an animal was hurt, ( I didn't know i sounded so pitiful), and as he came through the trees I released one last spurt of liquid shit hitting his legs and feet. I heard his exclaim of surprise, realized what had happened, pulled up my pants and, with crap still running down my leg, ran into the house. By the time I came back my husband came out and told me the bathroom was free.... To little too late. I am pretty sure I will never be able to show my face to my neighbor again. I showered up and came on here to reveal my misery and embarrassment to the Reddit world.
TL;DR didn't beat husband to bathroom while having diarrhea, went to tree line, neighbor comes out and i spew liquid shit all over his legs and feet... FML
PixelOrange: It sounds like you and your husband need to drink more fluids. Heat + uncontrollable shits is usually a sign of dehydration. You need water and electrolytes.
krissee: Hmmm could try drinking more drinks with electrolytes.... I do drink a lot of. Water though
PixelOrange: How much is "a lot"?
krissee: I drink at least 1 liter of water (if not more) a day
Ajishly: http://www.waterintakecalculator.com/ - You should be drinking more than just a liter.
krissee: Thanks... I will look up the recommended amount when I get on my computer
Ajishly: Just to give you an idea, I'm 130lbs, it has been warm here but under 100F, and I was active for about 25m today, I should drink 2.7L of water today.
krissee: well according to the water calculator i should be drinking 4.9 Liters during my hot days and a little less during my cool days
Ajishly: Eeep, I find using a sports bottle helpful because it has measurements on the sides. It is a pretty big difference between what you've been drinking and what you should be drinking, hopefully more water would help settle your stomach.
krissee: I hope so too... also going to start drinking more electrolyt enriched fluids as that could also be an issue.
Ajishly: Definitely, as a kid I remember getting electrolyt icey poles when I was sick, an excellent delivery method if its hot! :)
| 12 | 28.333333 | |
1376451169 | 1376500464 | null | t5_2to41 | 252 | Probably_Tacos: TIFU by attempting to use the bathroom
To preface this story, you should know I work on the 23rd floor of an office building as an intern for the summer.
On monday morning, just like any other day around 11:00 AM, I go to take a dump in our floors bathrooms. As I waltz into the bathroom, phone in hand, I see a disappointing sight: both stalls are taken. No problem, I think to myself, I'll just head down a floor and use their restrooms. Deciding that one flight of stairs would be faster than waiting on the elevator, I duck into the stairwell and hop on down to the next floor. Upon arriving at the door, I make a slightly annoying discovery: the door to get out of the stairwell onto this floor is locked. I make my way down another floor and try again. Locked. Starting to panic, I try every door down to 19 (I'm on 23, mind you). Exasperated, I quickly waddle/shuffle up the stairs back to my floor, only to discover that the door had also locked behind me. god. Dammit. My only option at this point was to clench my buttcheeks for dear life and shuffle my way down 23 flights of stairs to the lobby, and ride the elevator back to my floor. Feeling both defeated and full to the bursting point, I made my way into the stall, where, upon sitting down on the toilet, my leg began to cramp violently from all the stairs. I am not a clever man.
TL;DR-pooping cost me 27 flights of stairs and a painful leg cramp.
SixOneOne: At least you didn't shit yourself
ZN4STY: This is TIFU; where if you don't shit yourself, your day went just fine. It really puts things in perspective.
BeerPowered: I'm laying down on a couch at the moment, with a massive 3rd degree burn on my leg, unable to walk, because I drunkenly set my pants on fire (on purpose) and chased people around with a knife and burning pants. But it's not a poop story, I shouldn't post it.
ZN4STY: consider how much worse would it have been if you shat your pants?
BeerPowered: It wouldn't be worse, i would be just nasty.
| 6 | 42 | |
1376448824 | 1376490132 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | alatus_corruptrix: T My brother FU by shooting through our TV and living room window.
Our parents are out of town, and I had marching band practice. So practice ends and I have 3 missed calls from my dad and a text that says 'call me asap.' Find out that in the hour I was gone, my brother had somehow shot the TV and busted the window. I had to get duct tape and a big piece of cardboard to cover our ruined window, and the TV has a perfect hole right through the center of it. The stupidest thing is he insists 'he checked the gun and it wasn't loaded'. My dad said that he can get a replacement window and TV while they're out of town, and while he won't kill my brother, he'll think of something. Hopefully everyone learned a bit about gun safety, like 1. Not leaving weapons loaded and 2. Not pointing guns and pulling the trigger at stuff you don't want to shoot - loaded or not.
In-Valid-Username: How old is your brother? Depending on his age, this is his fuck-up for being an idiot or the gun owner's fuck-up for leaving his/her gun in an easily accessible location.
alatus_corruptrix: He's 16. He's been around guns his whole life (our family hunts) and has been hunting and, therefore, aware of gun safety since he was 12. We're thankful he didn't accidentally shoot himself checking to see if the gun was loaded. That said, part of this is on my dad, who knows the guns shouldn't be loaded, but a lot falls on my brother (why was he pretending to shoot unloaded guns anyway??? IT'S A MYSTERY.)
Legion299: Why didn't he check? I shoot unloaded guns sometimes for fun. (I know it ruins the gun, I didn't do it frequently)
nik8813: It ruins the gun? How?
Legion299: I'm not entirely sure. My dad's friend who was a SEAL in Iraq told me something along the lines of "The hammer is supposed to connect with a bullet". I didn't really understand much but it was apparently only more safer (meaning it still does damage the gun) if you insert in a blank bullet. By blanks I mean an already fired shell.
nik8813: Blanks are different than an expended shell (and snap caps are something else). From my limited experience/googling, it depends on the firearm. Dry firing seems to be pretty common/recommended. YMMV
Legion299: Yeah I know, that's why I put in a bit of information because I wasn't sure what a used bullet would be called. According to wikipedia it seems it only damages some weapons. Oh and by hammer I meant firing pin.
I'm not much of a gun nut though and the gun I have belongs to my dad, who's also not a gun nut but have it just for self defense.
| 8 | 3.875 | |
1376457022 | 1376462779 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | kyle092: TIFU by gambling online
Thought it would be fun to bet a little money online on sports and blackjack. Lost $50. Supposed to be saving money for college. Feel really disappointed in myself.
Legion299: You should never look back, nobody gets anything out of gambling. Except for the receiving end, which most of the time you aren't.
kyle092: Trust me, im never looking back
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1376463918 | 1379700044 | null | t5_2to41 | 154 | That_Hobo_in_The_Tub: TIFU by getting magnetic silly putty stuck on my dick.
So i was sitting in bed last night, watching youtube videos and playing with magnetic silly putty. I have no idea why, but I thought it would be a good idea to put it on my dick.
It was not a good idea.
After it sitting there for only a few seconds, I tried pulling it off. To my complete horror, it was in fact stuck to my pubic hair, with some hair (although I'm not sure how) going completely through it.
After trying to pull it out for a while with little success, it had completely fused to my dick, like a little dick leech, and trying to pull it off was useless, causing nothing more than pain.
After thinking for some time, I cut it out. Now I have a bald patch on my dick. It looks like one of those scientists from half life ([like this]( http://pnmedia.gamespy.com/screenshots/phl/16105676.jpg))
And, to add injury to insult, I stabbed my dick with the scissors I used to cut the putty off.
TL;DR Magnetic putty monster attacked my penis and stole my pubic hair.
Paars: Next time try buckyballs mate... :D
the_worst_summer: just when i had erased the buckyballs incident out of my brain, somebody goes and brings it up again
Paars: To be fair, it was the best story this subreddit has ever seen in my opinion.
BUCKYBALLS NEVER FORGET!
Ceredirond: Link?
dralcax: [Here ya go](http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20100624200030/zelda/images/9/9d/Link_Artwork_1_\(Twilight_Princess\).png)
Ceredirond: Thanks!
| 7 | 22 | |
1376483181 | 1376528978 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,031 | tro39478: TIFU by selling my old phone to a friend without deleting all the nudes of girlfriend
I sold my old phone to my friend (Samsung Galaxy) and did a factory reset, I assumed that deleted everything, my friend put his SIM card in and it was all good. Today he texted me that hes watching the vids of my girlfriend blowing me.
Sid3wlksingalong: I sold my iPhone to a a 15 year old. I'm a webcam model. Sooo many nudes. I think I made his night.
yayapril: I believe the proper term is "camwhore", not "webcam model."
Sid3wlksingalong: I believe the proper term for you would be judgmental, broke bitch.
yayapril: I'm not broke!
Sid3wlksingalong: You are, however, judgmental and bitchy.
yayapril: And there goes the joke, right over your head...
Sid3wlksingalong: You're a bag of assholes. It didn't go over my head. It just wasn't worth any attention.
epoxie: Hey sorry about these man-children, they apparently only enjoy nudes when the women are unaware it was distributed, otherwise they call her a whore. Actually they'll call women engaged in sexy things whores regardless, but especially if they were aware and in control of their sexuality.
Sid3wlksingalong: Personally, I can't believe that I'm being downvoted for defending myself.
Drizu: Because he was joking the whole time. Don't take it personally, it wasn't meant to insult you.
Sid3wlksingalong: That is so full of shit. He insulted me and I'm not supposed to take it personally? That is so childish.
Drizu: He didn't insult you, he was joking. Calm down. Nobody has anything against you for taking nudes; have you seen all the people in this very thread asking for OP to post the video?
penguin_waddle: It's a joke (a rather tasteless one), but it's understandable why she would feel insulted by that term.
| 14 | 73.642857 | |
1376482029 | 1376859781 | null | t5_2to41 | 36 | art7169: TIFU by my boyfriend's dad saw my tits
Few days ago, I was extremely upsetting for losing my puppy. I know my boyfriend would cheer me up. We were on the video chat and we both were fooling around with virtual videos to see our reactions. He knows how much I really hate to see animals being eaten by other animals on the video. He put the video up with snake trying to get chicken. I told him to take it off, he was like show your boobs or snake eats chicken. I flipped out and decide to do what he said. He didn't expect I would do this because he wasn't going to show the eating part. At the same time, His father walked in while I flashed my breasts. He saw the whole thing and look away, told something to my boyfriend and walked away. After that, my boyfriend literally cracks up (still now, believe it or not). It's soooo embarrassing but now I am starting to think it's funny.
Brahma1234: "Show me your boobs, or snake eats chicken".
Fucking hilarious.
zugtug: Its even better if you read it in the voice of Boris Badinoff from The Rocky and Bullwinkle show...
Brahma1234: I read it In the voice of an old Indian dude
| 4 | 9 | |
1376489857 | 1376490627 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by connecting my YouTube username account to my Google+ account
Like most of you, I've had a YouTube account for many years (pre-Google+) where you had a username. I was basically changing some privacy settings and next thing I know, it connected or switched or converted my account to use my Google+ full name. I assume there is no way of reverting back. Fuck.
neanderthalman: /r/firstworldproblems maybe?
Did anything had happen? Is your story hilarious? Did you have embarrassing videos now linked to your name, and your work and friends all saw you in a furry costume or something? Did you lose years of branding for a lucrative youtube channel?
Unless there's more to this story, then this is a terrible TIFU. It's not even clear that its a fuckup, only that you didn't intend to set it up that way.
CU3BALL: I figured out how to switch it back. I'm just going to delete this post. Thanks.
| 3 | 1 | |
1376492070 | 1376497870 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | heytheredelilahTOR: TIFU when I realized that I hadn't submitted the Provincial portion of my tax return which is going to delay my student loan
Which is really fucking grand. There's not a damn thing I can do about it until the Canada Revenue Agency sends me an official letter that there is a portion missing. Even though I know what's wrong, it doesn't matter; there's nowhere and no one to send it to until **they** have communicated with **me**. EVEN THOUGH I KNOW I FUCKED UP! FML!
NSA_REDDIT_BOT: forgot to file my OSAP no interest period. Now i have to pay extra interest.....
heytheredelilahTOR: Shiiit.
NSA_REDDIT_BOT: I thought your student cashier is able to help you out on your loans and stuff?
heytheredelilahTOR: If my loan is delayed, they can give me an emergency loan that I pay back when my money comes in. During the college support staff strike someone royally fucked up my loan. It was such a mess and I was totally helpless. They gave me a $750 bursary to get me through (it was their fault so I didn't have to pay that back), but then they fucked up *again*, so this time they gave me a $600 loan. I paid it back when I got my money, which did happen until mid-October.
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1376501468 | 1376682186 | null | t5_2to41 | 48 | wat3rd3mon: TIFU by crapping in my SO's house
My SO and her family are on vacation and I am taking care of the house. I was there when I started feeling some serious stomach cramps. I rushed to the bathroom and let go. It was quite messy and after much wiping, I got up to flush. However, to my complete and utter horror, nothing happened. Apparently they had shut their water/plumbing off.
One more thing, they come home in two hours.
blarghusmaximus: Get a good size bucket of water, like 2 gallons size. Pour down drain. Problem solved.
Edit: also, fake post is fake. No one shuts off their water while on a brief vacation
abelcc: Everyone should know this, it's a basic unplugging method and it's very handy...
They should teach it at school.
As there isn't water in the house he could just sacrifice some dollars and buy one or two large water bottles from a supermarket and fill a bucket with it.
Remember to throw it all at once.
[deleted]: this doesn't ALWAYS unclog, sometimes it just makes shit and water go all over the bathroom floor, sometimes it happens because you didnt drop the water in as fast as you should've.
abelcc: Never happened to me, maybe I was lucky.
Although I tend to turn the cube 180 degrees pretty fast so almost all falls out at once, some water will splash around the toilet though.
[deleted]: the cube? i call it bucket, lol
abelcc: Yeah I'm not english, derped a bit there.
Still, I'm calling it the cube from now on.
[deleted]: its cylindrical though! haha, where are you from?
abelcc: From a place where [buckets are cubical](http://i00.i.aliimg.com/photo/v0/1092017306/Plastic_cube_Bucket_Pail.jpg).
[deleted]: wow, i was proved wrong.
| 10 | 4.8 | |
1376507464 | 1376666745 | null | t5_2to41 | 44 | cswooll: TIFU by not properly disposing of my "clean-up towel"
So,like normal,i go to my girlfriends house at night,stay til morning and leave. Well, this morning around 2 AM we fucked and after i was finished i asked for a towel,cleaned myself,put the towel back. I get a text from my girlfriend at around 11 am saying she couldnt stop laughing. I asked why,and she told me. Her dad went into her room to get a towel because he was taking a shower,my cum towel,all over him. Yep.
TL;DR:Girlfriends dad wiped my semen all over his body.
[deleted]: Why...on earth...would it be a good idea to take a towel out of the floor (or haphazardly thrown elsewhere) of your daughter's room to shower with...??????
Edit: This isn't your fuck up...it's her dad's.
cswooll: It was on the dresser. She always takes the towels so he was like "oh,i need a towel,i know lexi has one."
[deleted]: Weird. Maybe I'm the strange one.
maladroitent: Nah I think it's weird if the dad is using his (I'm guessing teenage) daughters used towels. That sounds creepy to me.
[deleted]: Ok good, I'm not alone in this thought.
| 6 | 7.333333 | |
1376507708 | 1376572042 | null | t5_2to41 | 427 | ewall09: TIFU by Knocking a girl out and punching her boyfriend
This happened several months ago, but I just learned about this subreddit from a friend so I figured I'd post my own TIFU...
I attend college and am part of a fraternity. Since it's the weekend, me and a few of my buddies decided to go to another frat house and have a beer or 10 and party.
Eventually, as the night progresses and so does our lack of sobriety, we decide to leave and head back to our own house. As we are going to a door that leads us out, we try to open it and it gets (what we thought) stuck...it would open an inch or so and just wouldn't open any further. Not thinking to just go out another way 10 feet down the hall, my friend Spartan-kicks open the door. It opens....and just slams shut. Duhfuq?
We finally decided to go out the other door, and when we come out of the house we see a girl laying in the grass, knocked out and with her nose bleeding. A guy runs over and gets on top of her, yelling at her and shaking her.
Chivalry kicks in....I'm not about to let this guy get on top of this girl and smack her around. So, (thinking I'm) protecting the girl, I rush over and punch him in the face and he falls over next to the girl and we leave before it causes a scene.
.... it turns out that the door wasn't opening because the girl was holding it closed with her foot, and the guy on top of her was her boyfriend making sure she was okay.
TL;DR: Spartan-kicked open a door, knocked a bitch out, punched out her boyfriend
TIL: Leave Spartan-kicking to the Spartans, and don't think everyone is a rapist.
Falconhump: Misunderstood Frat Guy?
reverandglass: Drunk, refers to the girl as "a bitch" and thinks with his fists. Nope, that pretty much the stereotype.
TheExtremistModerate: I don't think he's actually calling the girl a bitch. "Knock a bitch out" is just one of those phrases. I think he was using it in jest.
reverandglass: It's still not a very nice phrase! Anyway I fit the evidence to suit my means, that's what all the best internet experts do! :)
Drizu: You can tell by the pixels.
| 6 | 71.166667 | |
1376510799 | 1376527257 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | TheHuskyDog: TIFU by "stealing" my good friend's boyfriend
I didn't mean to, but that's besides the point.
So my friend and this guy I knew got together. I decided to start talking to him, to try and gain a mutual friend. Well, long story short, he fell for me and dumped my friend for me.
He told me him and my friend broke up daayss ago. I thought it was a "natural" breakup
He asked me out the other day. He seems like a sensitive guy so when he asked, I felt like I'd hurt him badly by rejecting him. So I said yes. But I knew it would be a bad idea.
Fast forward to 4 hours ago.
One of my acquaintances, a rather idiotic guy friend of my new boyfriend, spilled the "secret" to my friend. Why I didn't tell her? I didn't know how. I planned on telling her about it today.
Again, long story short; she hates me, thinks I did it on purpose, cussed me out over facebook, and left the rather oversensitive me sobbing, and messaging her frantically, trying to get her to calm down. My (now former? :c) best friend of 3 years also hates me for doing that to her. Neither of them were afraid to yell at me and call me a rather colorful assortment of names. They both still think that their caring, always-honest, sometimes try-too-hard-to-please friend would deceive, lie, and steal a friend's boyfriend.
This is probably my fault. And it sucks. Urgh. I fucked up for sure here.
WinterCharm: :(
ouch. that really does suck. Explain it to them, and tell them that you are sorry and that you absolutely didn't know.
If they aren't willing to forgive you, they weren't great friends to begin with. it may suck, but you will find better friends out there.
TheHuskyDog: I think I got my friend calmed down a bit. She's still angry at me, but she's more willing to discuss everything instead of just labeling everything I say as "bull" and calling me a liar. My possibly former bestie is rather hostile to things like this regardless, so I'm not sure about her yet. :\
It didn't help that the friend I supposedly stole the guy from posted a facebook update about how bad of a friend I am a short time after she yelled at me over messages (tagging me to make sure everyone sees and knows) so a bad reputation and embarrassment are probable. But at least she might not hate me anymore?
WinterCharm: Reputations can be repaired if she explains the mix up after you two make amends.
Good job in getting her to calm down. When you two talk, be honest and upfront about everything, no matter how awkward it may get. Just explain what happened and let her make the judgement call.
If your other friend wants to continue being hostile and hating you, he/she will just have to make amends to save face if the friend who posted the status explains the misunderstanding to everyone and announces that you two have made amends.
This may have been a fuckup, but all doesn't seem lost. Keep your chin up! :)
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1376509543 | 1376570009 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | bigmike827: TIFU trying to have sex with my girlfriend after a surgery
I had a cyst removed from.... well the top of my butt crack....
Yeah so that sucks...
A week and a half after surgery, my girlfriend had some time before she left for some rush stuff, and so she came over. One thing led to another and we started fooling around. I made a wrong turn and ripped open a couple stitches. I started bleeding all over my bed, and I've been in pain since.
Oh yeah and washing sheets isn't too easy when you can barely walk I've learned
ragingscythe: Rough, I had pilonidal taken out (prolly same thing as you) but was lucky enough not to have it re-open. You should have taken advantage of the one time you have an excuse just lay there and make her do all the work, hah.
bigmike827: Yep it was a pilonidal. It actually came back after I got it removed last December... bad luck
DJzrule: Literally what the fuck. I had it done twice in 5 years, and now I'm having it stitched because they tried letting it heal open wound, tried using liquid silver nitrate to close it, no dice. This Monday I'm getting it taken care of. I've got those same feels man, I'm lucky to have a great girlfriend.
| 4 | 8.75 | |
1376509149 | 1376523052 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: By not looking who I was texting
So today my so and I went to lunch on the way back I gave her my card and asked her to get drinks for us. Five min later I went to text here and accidentally told my boss that I loved him. Don't Know what to do now because he went with it and made it worse.
OneTimesMore2003: What exactly do you mean by went with it??? Please tell me he just continued with a joke...
mtnbew: Ya he said he was hurt when I said sorry and that was for someone else.
| 3 | 7 | |
1376523218 | 1376602669 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking Midol with ITP
I have ITP, which is when your immune system kills off your platlets, which are the helpful little cells that stop bleeding. I have some platelets, just not that many. It's one of three autoimmune issues, another one is an IBD. Both are relevant.
I also have ADD and NLD for which I take concerta. Thanks to an issue with my scripts, I have to skip doses. This made me feel like crap, so I took Midol for the caffeine. I'm not usually that retarded, but today I was.
I'm not supposed to have it because it can exacerbate bleeding. I didn't think much of it, but I should've. Now, thanks to the IBD and the ITP, I've got GI bleeding. I'm running to the bathroom a few times an hour to crap blood. I'm going to have no energy for several days now, and I completely deserve it.
Tl; Dr: I gave myself rectal bleeding by taking a no-no OTC drug. This will make me more anemic which will suck up any remaining energy. I'm retarded.
[deleted]: :(
edit: you need a big fucking hug
[deleted]: Thanks :-) I'm doing much better today.
| 3 | 11 | |
1376518590 | 1377081917 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | Hehlan57: TIFU by trying to make a blended ice mocha
So I have a few weeks of school left and I'm very behind on my school reading. I'm trying to power through *The Mayflower* but I keep dozing off. I need something to pick me up.
Coffee. But I don't like coffee, except for ice mochas. So I decide to try an make one. I have ice, a blender, coffee, sugar, I think this will work.
Look up a recipe online. It calls for liquid coffee and I don't how to make that. Ground will work just as good. Cocoa powder, I have it. Sugar, I have it. Ice, bingo. Blender... where... where is the rest of the blender?!
So I decide it'll work with [this](http://g-ecx.images-amazon.com/images/G/01/kitchen/serenahe/APlus/CSB77/action_300px._V162573874_.jpg), but I'm not sure if that can grind ice. I assume so because there's a picture of a cold drink on it.
I'll figure it out. So I get a four cup measuring cup and start dumping the ingredients in. I eyeball it.
Pour some milk in, go to puree it. It looks weird, too dark. Tastes more coffee-like than I'd like. Okay, add more milk.
Time for ice. I get out the big bag of ice and I plop some cubes in.
Then I knock the measuring cup over with the puree wand still in it. It spills. Dark, grainy liquid coats my countertop, but I manage to save some.
Paper towel is not doing the trick. Decide to just scrape it into a bowl off the counter. I wet a rag and clean it up.
Did I mention we have ants right now?
Well, they're crawling all over me as I'm trying to make the chocolatey, sugary substance disappear. I wash off my hands in the sink, but there's still particles of ground coffee everywhere.
Tiny, fine little speckles.
I decide to try it again. I add more ice and cocoa powder and sugar and get to work. It turned out *okay.*
Tldr: I can't make drinks.
SketchmannT: Somehow, I don't see you being a bartender any time in your future.
TehRayRay: Or a barista
| 3 | 2 | |
1376525922 | 1376576445 | null | t5_2to41 | 201 | [deleted]: TIFU by mowing the neighbors lawn
So today I went over to mow my neighbors lawn. I'm 16 and could really use the cash for gas money. So I get started mowing and everything is going as planned, as I was mowing underneath a tree I looked up and saw a in a nest in a tree that my neighbor told me had bird eggs in. At that moment I accidentally ran something over, I pulled forward more and looked at what I had shredded to bits. I thought it was going to be a small dog toy that i had missed while picking up or something but no, it wasnt. I had shredded a baby bird into bloody bits of feathers. I don't know if it was dead from the fall from its nest or I had just killed a baby. I didnt want to tell my neighbor I had just killed a baby in her back yard. She was a fan if her birds an had pleanty of bird feeders and she had been waiting for the eggs in her tree to hatch for a while. So I quickly got out the hose and washed down the evidence. And of course right at that moment here comes my 93 year old neighbor seeing if anything was wrong while she was holding a cup of ice tea for me. I told her i accidentally ran over some dog crap and she believed me. When I was done i got paid my $15 and she made me some peach cobbler which I ate in shame.
TLDR; I mowed over a baby bird, washed away the bloody evidence, then had ice tea and peach cobbler as a gift for a job well done.
Soccadude123: I hate birds. They're noisy and poop on stuff
bren_gunner: I hate insects more, and most birds eat insects.
Soccadude123: Well fine
| 4 | 50.25 | |
1376525707 | 1376605302 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | OneTimesMore2003: TIFU BY SITTING DOWN...
I work front desk at a hotel and just got done checking in some guest's, came to the back to sit down for a minute. I plopped down in the hard ass chair and sat down on my balls. Hopefully no one comes in in the next few minutes cause if they do they will see a mountain of a man talking soprano.
[deleted]: You got some seriously floppy balls dude.
OneTimesMore2003: Unfortunately yes I do.
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1376539950 | 1376549533 | null | t5_2to41 | 38 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to overclock my GPU
For the past 2 hours I've been trying to overclock my GPU, and I had no success, so I just gave up. About 20 minutes ago, my friend sent me a download the ATI taskbar, and I tried to install it. About 80% through the installation, I hear my audio start to skip, and my PC blue screens. Shit. I wait for it to shut itself off and I turned it back on to find out that all data is corrupt, so I have to restore everything from factory settings. I am currently sitting through the tedious process of restoring my PC. Ask me whatever you want, I'm open for everything.
STOP_DROP_AND_ROLL: How big is your dick
lolzersdsi: How big do you want it to be?
STOP_DROP_AND_ROLL: 20
lolzersdsi: 20 inches or centimeters
STOP_DROP_AND_ROLL: Miles
lolzersdsi: Oh. Ok
STOP_DROP_AND_ROLL: :)
| 8 | 4.75 | |
1376549663 | 1376670353 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | BlackFalcon321: TIFU by being honest about my beliefs.
The fuck up isn't really today but a couple of weeks ago...
So it's Wednesday and we have a religion class, the teacher(nun) asked if anyone here wasn't a catholic, my classmates egged me on to raise my hand(Peer pressure :/) so I did it.
Fast forward today and my mom is crying because I told her.
Now she's going on
And on about I was gonna get expelled for being athiest.
Damnit.
JfukiT: as an atheist who went to catholic school, they cant do god damn shit to you. stand up for what you believe in (or don't) but still dont be an ass about it. just enjoy the good education and dont believe the bs.
BlackFalcon321: I was actually pretty secretive about my beliefs, couldn't say no to the nun tho.
barryq25: They can't get rid of you.
Burn-Account: Also, they want the $$$
| 5 | 3 | |
1376538156 | 1376578326 | null | t5_2to41 | 43 | hewhoreddits6: TIFU by updating my iPod touch
I first got my iPod 4th generation 3-4 years ago, and have not updated it since. Back before I got an android phone, I would use my iPod for everything and go everywhere with it. There were over 900 pictures on it, and over 100 songs, most of which were acquired by downloading the music off CD's I checked out at the library. Today, I finally got fed up with not being able to download apps or not having certain features since it was running 4.1 software still, and most need 5.0.
After I synced it to my computer and downloaded the newest software none of the pictures or music were saved. Apparently, just because everything is synced and does not mean that it is backed up, so Apple and iTunes can't do shit for you. There goes all the data of my teen years.
fabytm: Well, iTunes backs up your iPod every time you plug it into your computer and in iOS6 and later iCloud backs up to the cloud every night.
TheRealMrMo: Yeah, and it did really work for OP...
Sorry for your loss OP.
fabytm: Well, I'm sure he has a backup of them on his PC!Just plug it in, go to the iTunes page of your ipod and click restore from backup!Here, choose the last one!No way it won't work, as long as you didn't intentionally delete them, at which point it's your fault.
hewhoreddits6: The problem is that the computer originally with all my backups broke a long time ago and my laptop which may have backups had to have its hard drive changed. Otherwise I would have updated it via either one of those two.
Py__: *What does a computer hard disk and a gerbil have in common? Their average lifespan is about 3-5 years.*
I know this has nothing to do with the failing of the device itself. But unless you have a backup and an offsite backup, you do not own the data. I wish people would understand that simple fact.
And sorry for your loss. But please be more careful with data you treasure in the future.
hewhoreddits6: Yes, I now know the value of off site backups. I talked to my uncle who is good with computers and he says this should only be a lesson for me to start backing up my computer every month or so. But still, I don't think that applies to iTunes, does the data I backed up onto iTunes transfer over as well?
Py__: Sorry. I cannot help you with that. I'm old and a Unix user who works at an ISP. So I just use some of our ReallySecureStorageEquipment[Tm] for the few things I don't want to lose, ever.
| 8 | 5.375 | |
1376550577 | 1376574678 | null | t5_2to41 | 41 | Sparkfire: TIFU by getting shitfaced.
I went to the shore to see a girl, and she was really really into me. I mean she wanted me there so bad. She as txting me all week and begging for me to come. Not to sound cocky but I was pretty sure I was going to get some action. I got to the shore at around 12, and she was not txting me back. I couldn't go to her place because I didnt know the address. So I started drinking; 10 beers and two 40s later I was out of it. She finally txtd me and I walked there and kept drinking, which was not a good idea. Luckily my friends were not drinking at all so they took care of me. I acted like a complete fool, I mean it looked like I was this little kid who had never drank before in his life. I threw up to get sober for her, and I just kept throwing up. I fell asleep on their couch in my boxers. Then they eventually kicked me out. I am still a little drunk right now as I type this. This is one of the most embarrassing things that has ever happened to me. I fucked up bad on this one.
gdvorak16: is adding an "e" to "txting" really that difficult?
mrwongme: Ys.
Sparkfire: > I am still a little drunk right now as I type this.
Maybe someone didn't read the whole thing? I apologize if my writing was not good enough for you.
| 4 | 10.25 | |
1376559472 | 1376635952 | null | t5_2to41 | 85 | LethalTomato: TIFU by not tying on the ladder on top of the work Van.
It fell off on the motorway hit a car and almost caused a huge accident. The ladder was destroyed in the process. Feels bad man. Scared the shit out of me.
Corrupt_T: What do you think the poor guy in the car felt?
He would've had final destination shit playing through his mind.
LethalTomato: Haha I know I felt so bad about it :/
| 3 | 28.333333 | |
1376563175 | 1376675532 | null | t5_2to41 | 872 | lshabowco: TIFU by stepping on a plug.
I'd just gotten out of the shower, so I was only in my underwear when I stumbled backwards and trod on a plug. My first thought was something like "fuck sake". I have a high pain thresh hold so I wasn't so much worried about the pain, just sort of got curious to how bad it was. I look down and see the blood, everywhere, literally gushing from my foot. It's all over my hands, my feet, my floors, my cream underwear and my fucking cream walls. Guess I'm making a trip to B&Q as soon as I can walk again for some cream paint. I start to feel woozy, and realise I can't even hobble down the stairs to get a snickers bar and get sugar back into my bloodstream. The gash has taken a huge lump out of my foot and I realise I won't be able to do anything for my birthday in two weeks (the cut is really deep, all the thick layers of skin taken off). Eventually, my cousin showed up and helped me stop the blood flow. We were planning to go ice skating, but instead we're watching freddy got fingered and I'm hopping everywhere. I'm not going to the doctors because they're going to tell me it's a viral infection, so I got my mum to play nurse and bandage up my foot.
To summarise: made the common occurrence of stepping on a plug into a severe danger.
EDIT: The pictures of my foot afterwards:
http://imgur.com/moFK6Hz
http://imgur.com/az23zRb
http://imgur.com/sr9IA98
See that darker bit under the skin? That's where the skin flaps back. I would pull it back so you can see how deep it is, but there's the small matter of it **fucking hurts**
milkymoocowmoo: My only question is what kind of fucked up plugs do you use that could possibly slice open your foot?!
EDIT: I see from the comments that OP was apparently talking about an electrical plug. I read 'shower' and assumed OP meant the type of plug you put in the sink/bathtub. Makes more sense now.
TL;DR- TIFU by misinterpreting someone's TIFU
nemmer: [British ones.](http://commons.m.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:British_plug.jpg)
TehMushy: Can confirm these are lethal.
davios: I once was in hospital and saw a baby with one stuck out of the top of its head (emdedded all the way). I was unaware until that day of how lethal they are and now treat them with great respect.
Omnifarious: What kind of voltage does a baby put out anyways?
orthag: I could probably calculate this, but I'm gonna just take a wild guess and say 1.25 millivolts.
Beersaround: This is the biggest problem with The Matrix, It would take way more energy to keep the human "batteries" alive than they could possibly produce.
flying_phish: That's the second time today I've heard someone mention that (first one was on the radio). Must be a glitch...
Beersaround: [Futurama did it](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Sg1cRhj1wU)
flying_phish: Hah, that's awesome.
Beersaround: [What's the time? Diaper time.](http://vimeo.com/28087384)
| 12 | 72.666667 | |
1376577052 | 1376600344 | null | t5_2to41 | 43 | shudderette: TIFU by lying to my husband about something really stupid
Called a girlfriend of mine to talk about birthday planning stuff for my soon to be 9 yr old. Her husband answered. Explained why she wasn't home then we just got to talking, chatting about stuff. He asked what he wanted for his birthday so I jumped on my computer and sent him the link to my amazon wishlist because it has some stuff for him on it but he didn't see anything he wanted to get him. Blah blah blah. We just talked about normal stuff. I tried politely to get off the phone several times but he just kept talking. Don't know what his deal was. Lonely maybe. Or just talkative.
My husband was asleep at the time but I knew he wouldn't want me talking to him. He HATES it when I talk to other men - even if its just regular conversation. So when I heard him coming down the hall I freaked. I just said "gotta go. Bye" and hung up. Hubby ran in the room and demanded to know who I was talking to. I lied. Yeah, I admit it, I tried to lie to my husband. I told him I was talking to my girl friend. But he had caught me. He could hear it was a male voice. He even called the number back and didn't say anything when the male voice answered, just hung up. Hubby was pissed. Apparently he had been standing at the door listening to me for quite a while. He said I was flirting. Truthfully, I don't think I was flirting. We were talking about robots (my sons birthday theme).
Anyway, my hubby always overreacts to stuff like this. I knew he would, which is why I tried to lie about it. He very nearly left me for this. Packed his stuff, was in the car, but I sat in the way so he couldn't close his car door. Wouldn't let him leave me over something this stupid. But he says that's part of the problem - I don't think talking to other men is a big deal (by talking i mean having a conversation with them, not flirting or trying to hook up with them) but to him it's betrayal as much as cheating is.
We have our first marriage counseling appt scheduled for this morning.
TL;DR hubby "caught" me chatting innocently w a male on the phone. I tried to lie about it so he wouldn't freak out but it almost ended our marriage.
lillamathrowaway: Wow, I think it's good that you're getting counseling because it sounds like he has some major jealousy issues. You should not have to lie about something like that!
shudderette: True. I understand where his issues come from. His mom cheated on his dad a million times as he was growing up. He's afraid that'll happen to him.
Also, 3 weeks ago an ex of mine popped back up professing his love for me. I told him no immediately but had a hard time dealing with hurting him so bad because of the circumstances (we didn't break up, we were in a car accident. He got major brain trauma and his mom took over his life and pushed me out of it). It totally mind fucked me that he contacted me. I had tried to move on like he had died. Had to.
So, yeah, hubby and i fought a LOT because if that. He moved out for a couple days. He thought he and i were done forever. Overdosed on sleeping pills and some anxiety meds. Nearly died. Took all that for me to realize I had now hurt 2 men i loved with my actions. The guilt I feel from all of this is just overwhelming. Hubby's family hates me. My family doesn't like me much. I can't have male friends. I feel... Idk... Alone. And hated. I feel lower than a piece of shit.
"If you really loved me you wouldn't have had such a hard time after telling (the ex) to fuck off". Sometimes I think my problem is that I care too much about ppl I shouldn't care about. Like the ex - yeah, I loveD him. We were living together, he helped raise my kids, we were looking at ringa together so im pretty sure and engagement was imminent. But I love my husband now. I moved on and committed myself to another man. I almost wish he hasn't contacted me at all. I did get some closure from it because I'd always felt guilty for leaving him like he was. He couldn't understand what was going on and I know his mom sure didn't tell him the truth as to why I stopped visiting. So, yeah, I have such a big heart I just couldn't close it off to him right away, even though I hadn't seen him in years. But I should have. For my husband, I should have. I want my husband to feel secure in our marriage. He shouldn't question my love for him.
Benjamemnon: This sounds less like "you hurt 2 men because of your actions" than, you had to move on because of a reasonable cause (bad accident + overprotective mother) and the other dude has some issues. He needs therapy to learn to calm his shit.
jake91306: My mother cheated on my dad a lot as I was growing up. Did not turn out to be like how you're describing your husband. Partly your fault, but I can understand why you felt the need for the little white lie. My wife was like that while we were dating, but once we got married and started living together it cooled off. I really feel that its more on him and he needs to be more secure. Hope counselling helps.
| 5 | 8.6 | |
1376574622 | 1376658218 | null | t5_2to41 | 218 | positronus: TIFU by making my 4 year old running face first into garage door
I recently got new car with manual transmission. Given that last time I drove stick was about 20 years ago I am still trying to get used to it, but I love it!
Earlier today I was getting ready to drop my little one at day care and as usual go start the car. Typically I first put her in car seat, but this time for whatever reason started the car first. My driveway is at the angle so when I park the car nose facing the road I put gear in reverse, e-break on. So my daughter is standing just to the left of driver's side rear door. I push the clutch in, start the car, but forget to put gear in neutral. Car jerks back pretty fast but not by much. This scared the hell out of my daughter pretty bad I guess and all I see in the mirror her turning around and running towards garage door, which was closed, plummeting her little pretty face right in it. I don't know why, but I chucked a bit (I know it's bad) and jumped out to see if she OK. She was fine, not a scratch. I guess she didn't know what has happened so there were no tears. All she said was, "Daddy wanted to hurt me!" I am a monster.
TL:DR I am a monster
robbinthehoodz: That is hilarious!
I have the same problem with my car. I use the parking brake and leave it in neutral so the brake is doing all the work, but my valet puts it in 1st so the tranny is doing the work. I forgot one morning and shot the car out when I turned it on, luckily, my foot wasn't near the gas and it stalled immediately though.
positronus: I thought I had to leave it in gear because parking break is not enough, especially when not on leveled road...
unceunceunce: The best way is to set your parking brake while in neutral, let your foot off the brake pedal, then put it into gear. The parking brake does all the work and you have it in gear in case it fails.
positronus: Thanks, that's the way I do it.
Nemo_S: If it's a flat surface or a slight incline you can leave it in gear and forget about the parking brake, doesn't stress the transmission and if the brakes are (very) hot you won't have to worry about the parking brake potentially warping them. Though I do get that using both is more of a double safety thing than anything else, but just thought I'd throw that out there.
shaker_not_shaken: If you want added security to parking a car on a hill, use wheel chocks or by turning the wheel so the car would roll into the curb incase the parking brake failed. Leaving in gear is very unsafe and stupid, it's a great way to accidentally pin against a wall or run them over.
[deleted]: The car would immediately stall how could you run someone over if the car isn't moving?
| 8 | 27.25 | |
1376585364 | 1376617537 | null | t5_2to41 | 141 | getsome13: TIFU by leaving the door at work open.
I'm at work alone today. I noticed I hadn't seen my dog in a bit, and went on a search. There are three offices with a couch in two, and a chair in the other. She can normally be found on one of them, or the showroom floor. Nope.
I see the door to the warehouse is open. Damn it. I must have left it open when I went out to check on an item for a customer, then the phone rang, then it rang again. I walk outside, beep her, and she comes running from in front of the building. As she approaches I see she is covered in some sort of dark coating. Once she is next to me, BAM....the smell hits me.
I have no clue what she found to roll in, but I am stuck at work for another 5 hours with it. My wife is not going to be pleased.
[My dog, on the other hand, seems very pleased with her makeover](http://i.imgur.com/YDRTvjN.jpg)
veltrop: > beep her
Please explain. Can one now train a dog to return home after hearing a notification from a wireless device that they wear?
getsome13: Yes. She wears [this](http://www.tritronics.com/sport-combo-g3-exp.html) collar. The setting I keep it on has it so if I press the top button the collar makes a tone. She is trained to know this means to come back to me.
PDvaughn147: My dog has the exact same collar. He knows that a beep will lead to a zap if he doesn't come back and a beep is much more pleasant than a zap.
getsome13: Yea that's the idea. I have only had to zap her a couple times and I only have it set on 3. The main reason I got it was because I could not get her to stop jumping on people no matter what I tried. I have sense incorporated it into perimeter/boundry training.
| 5 | 28.2 | |
1376583073 | 1376755408 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | CreamWafers: TIFU by calling a French pen-pal "Bitchyrestingface"
I was recently introduced to a pen pal, as part of my French studies. Things were going pretty well. We sent a couple introductions, normal stuff like what is your name, what city are you from, etc. The conversation is pretty formal and unenthusiastic because I'm just doing it as part of my school curriculum.
So, to get to the point. Today I was writing an email to this pen pal. Unfortunately, I forgot her name (very horrible with names). I had recently watched this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3v98CPXNiSk
So being the genius that I am, I used "Bitchyrestingface" as a placeholder for her name. The beginning of the email started something like this: "Salut Bitchyrestingface. Comment ca va? etc etc etc."
Well after fighting with internet difficulties for a while and not being able to send, I was relieved to be able to send the email. Just before I realized that I forgot to edit the name. Shit. I'm too embarrassed to apologize right now, but I probably will later. I wonder if she will even understand the name.
Tl;dr -- Used "bitchyrestingface" as a palceholder because I forgot pen pal's name, forgot to change it and sent the email as is
Inostroza: Has she sent you a picture? It would be worse if she did
CreamWafers: No, I don't know what she looks like. Now that you mention, that is pretty fortunate.
| 3 | 5 | |
1376589652 | 1377112682 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | NinetyTwo92: TIFU by hitting on my first-cousin.
So I'm on vacation in Europe, in my hometown. I was out late last night so I woke up around noon. To my surprise there was already people at my house. I brushed my teeth and went down stairs where everyone was at. It was a bunch of old people except for this one girl. She looked to be anywhere from 21 to 25. Stunning. Beautiful. So I say hi to everyone, introduce myself and sit down. I can't stop looking at this girl. Next thing you know she gets up to go to the bathroom and I can't stop staring at her ass. She was wearing tight jeans. This girl had the entire package. Beautiful face, slim waist, thick ass, and legs to kill for.
So I think, "Fuck it. I'm gonna go for it."
As soon as she gets back I start making small talk with her and start flirting a little bit. She didn't seem to be having it, I just thought I had to step my game up.
10 minutes go by full of small talk, teasing, and sexual innuendos before my dad goes "Yeah, ninetytwo92, you should go out and grab a drink with her. Since we were here longer you can show her around town. But don't let anything happen to her, since you're the older cousin you have to protect her. Hahaha"
That's when it hit me that I've just been fantasizing about fucking my cousin for the past 10 minutes, and that this poor girl as been sitting here for these past 10 minutes listening to me hit on her. Oh and on top of all of this, turns out she's only 17. I'm 22.
TL:DR Saw a girl that I didn't know was my cousin. Girl is hot. I start drooling over said girl and start hitting on her. Turns out girl is my cousin. Turns out girl is a lot younger than I thought she was.
DoctorMcDerp: Pics or it didn't happen...
NinetyTwo92: We're actually going out later tonight. If she doesn't cancel on me for being such a creep. But if we do go out tonight I'll try and get a picture for you
skatterbug: [OP Will deliver, I'm sure of it.](http://i.imgur.com/fXQfXgI.jpg)
NinetyTwo92: The Brunette. The blonde is one of my friends I met down here.
asmorbidus: You look like one of those guys....
NinetyTwo92: WUT?
asmorbidus: Sorry, that was supposed to be snide, not douchey.
NinetyTwo92: Oh. I really didn't get that vibe either. I was legit confused at what you were trying to say.
| 9 | 2.888889 | |
1376589442 | 1376688681 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | [deleted]: TIFU by crashing someone's front bumper
So today I had parked my car uphill. It wasn't any uphill because it was quite steep. I was in a hurry, so I hopped in my car and started the engine. I looked at my car's mirrors to make sure anything wasn't behind it. I released the hand brake and start to raise the clutch pedal. I lift my foot from the break pedal and raise the clutch pedal more to make sure my car wont start to go backwards. I move my foot from the brake pedal to accelerator pedal. Before i even have time to realize.. BAM. Seems like I didn't raise the clutch pedal enough and didn't press the accelerator pedal enough. Behind my car was suddenly another car. And one angry man. Turns out he just parked there just after i checked mirrors so I didn't even know he was there, but there he was and he's front bumper had some nice and big cracks on it and not only the plastic bumper of that car was broken, but its left headlight was crushed. The man comes next to me and starts hitting the window left to me. I open the window and he yells to me: "What the fuck did you just do!". Good thing is that I can talk myself out of this kind of situations usually. We then had a good talk. In the end we came to end result of me paying the man 350€ and he will buy a new bumper and a front light. The money i paid to him might not cover all the costs so in the end the man was pretty fair. Another good thing is that my dear Volvo 850 didn't get even the smallest scratch to its rear bumper. Anyways, for me, a guy that goes last year in high school and doesn't have too much money to spend when I have to pay my gas and all, 350€ is not too cheap.
Sry for all the typos, English isn't my native language.
Shadesfsc: So I'm reading this post and just getting more and more frustrated with the grammar and spelling errors. Then I saw you paid him in euros and I was like "oh. Foreigner. It's cool." Then you told us and it was truly all good.
Hazelmaister: Yeah, I'm Finnish so my native language has pretty much nothing in common with English :D
minininja7584: Hey, I'm Finnish too! :)
Hazelmaister: Terve mieheen (tai naiseen)!
minininja7584: Miten menee teille
Hazelmaister: Siinähän se
minininja7584: Missä päin sää asut?
Hazelmaister: Helsinki. Entä toinen?
minininja7584: Mää asun Atlantassa, Muutin Suomesta 10 vuotta sitten tänne
| 10 | 2.9 | |
1376592577 | 1376615685 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | MrAnderson_: TIFU by using Icy-Hot
So I play tennis for my high school team, and my first practice was yesterday. It was the first strenuous activity I've had in a while, so my thighs were aching like a bitch. I waited it out, and this morning they were still hurting, so I decided to use some Icy-Hot so I could get through practice after I took my morning shower. Just then, I checked the clock and saw that I was running out of time. I hurried to put on clothes and ran to the car.
I arrived at practice, and for the first ten minutes I was fine. But then I felt a burning on my glutes, and was wondering what was going on. So the next drink break, I went to the bathroom to check it out. Turns out, my underwear and shorts scraped up all of the Icy-Hot from my thighs and collected it on my ass. So I had to go through the rest of the two-and-a-half hour practice with burning asscheeks.
tl;dr Having burning asscheeks sucks.
[deleted]: Opened thread expecting Icy-hot on or near genitals. Discovered Icy-hot near genitals.
h4irguy: Was not disappointed
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1376595015 | 1376612089 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | OmNomNomNinja: TIFU - by not recognizing the Polish National Football Team
Had to find a place to stay in Gdansk, Poland for just one night as previous lodging turned out to be a nightmare.
I may be Polish, but I moved to the States when I was four and have no idea about any soccer teams in Poland other than the fact that they have a cult following.
It turned out that the soccer team and their entourage were all staying at the hotel bc they had a match against Denmark the next day. Before realizing this my bf and I got into the elevator to go to our room and I started to chat with the guy and his young son in there. In my defense, the kid was adorable.
I asked if they were there to see the sites and whatnot. Got off of the elevator and bf told me a did a great job keeping my cool in front of one of the players.
I honestly hadn't realized. Felt like an idiot.
Dammit.
Hagortheviking: Dont worry, unless it was Lewandowski, Szczesny or Blaszczykowski its not really a fuck up. Unless you are completely cluesless i guess.
OmNomNomNinja: ...it was Lewandowski.
Clueless....maybe, mostly just don't give much thought to European soccer.
However, it def made me feel appropriate for the TIFU section.
| 3 | 1 | |
1376607424 | 1376628598 | null | t5_2to41 | 136 | DontClickItsMeatspin: TIFU and vomited all over my house and myself.
I woke up to the feeling of my asshole about to burst with the craziest diarrhea I have ever felt. After that, I knew I had a stomach bug. I proceeded to try to take a nap. I felt sick and walked to the bathroom and vomited. I felt better, but I knew it wasn't over. I laid back down for another hour or so. I felt odd, but not to the point where I thought I was going to vomit. It got to the point where I KNEW, so I proceeded to walk to the bathroom. All the sudden, I felt it coming up my throat so I covered my mouth with my hands. It was too late though, I vomited all over my hand, which proceeded to splash all over my face, stomach, legs and carpet. I felt wave two so I started running. I was SO FUCKING CLOSE to the toilet, but I was at the sink and YET AGAIN, vomited all over the floor and myself. I turned to walk towards the toilet, but I fucking puked all over my sink, and yet again, myself.
It looked like someone literally ran around vomiting down our hall to the bathroom. I turn around and see a frown on my mothers face. She was nice enough to clean it while I showered. I felt like shit for her doing that, and for the fact that I vomited everywhere.
It wasn't a fun day.
sushi064: When you feel better, go give your mom a hug and take her out to dinner or something.
DontClickItsMeatspin: 15 and jobless :(.
Also happy cakeday!
BCSounds: When you feel better, go give your mom a hug and take her out to dinner or something with her money.
No seriously, she will still probably appreciate you wanting to go out and spend time as a thank you.
thejam15: Seriosly OP spend time with your mother. I didnt spend enough time and now it's too late.
| 5 | 27.2 | |
1376618137 | 1376652939 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | DeDodgingEse: TIFU by taking my final at the wrong time.
So I literally just came back from my last final today. Was feeling super prepared and ready to tear up that exam. About nearly half the test already done, my stomach starts acting up and I decide to power thru it and finish the test. Initially, I thought it was just another one of those gas cramps. But it soon became almost unbearable and overwhelming. I decide to ease my pain I'll pass one of those silent but deadly farts to ease the pressure. Ended up sharting on myself. During the test.
I quickly lost all interest on my final and try to ask the prof if I can be excused for bathroom. Did a walk of shame all the way to the bathroom while clenching whatever mess I still had brewed inside. Turns out the shit stained my shorts. I made a couple calls and mom comes after 30 mins with a fresh pair.
**TL;DR: Shat pants during a final, dont know I passed the class or not.**
DeDodgingEse: Mad embarrassing man..
jayond: It happens. I took a final after having a flu that caused me to puke and shit almost simultaneously. I just kept running to the bathroom to do both. As you might expect, I did poorly on the exam.
DeDodgingEse: I didn't even get to finish. Sucks man I needed the grade. Hopefully it didn't affect your overall course grade.
jayond: I ended up with a C or D in the class. I should have asked for an extension and tried to take it another day but the professor was kind of a dick.
| 5 | 8 | |
1376623877 | 1376668934 | null | t5_2to41 | 3,652 | ejaculator123: TIFU by ejaculating while my dad hugged me.
Being a horny teenager in the summer who recently discovered the joys of premium porn sites can lead to some very awkward scenarios. This is one of them.
I was watching some of the best shit I'd ever seen (I'm talking Brazzers True Life HD at 1080p and the like, there's just no going back), when I decided it was time to fap. I was lying down on my bed, sonar mode engaged (one earbud in, one out) face down, fapping away, just on the verge of climaxing when I heard footsteps nearby. I threw the ipad under the bed and tried to hold it in while I pretended I was just getting up from a nap or whatever. Well, while I was getting up, my dick brushed up against my thigh or my pants or something, then I knew I wasn't going to be able to control it.
My dad does this thing where he will randomly tell me that he loves me, sometimes with a hug, and I really don't mind it, I'll even say it back and all. But this time, this time as he hugs me I can just feel myself coming in my pants, while I awkwardly maintain my crotch as far away from his body as humanly possible.
**TL;DR** : I came. While hugging my dad. While struggling to say "me too" without sounding like an incestuous homosexual.
The good news is, I don't think he knew what had happened, I like to think that the sweatpants hid the boner and that he didn't notice my weird hip position.
1983Whiplash: >I like to think that the sweatpants hid the boner
Ha.
hazzard66: Sweatpants are literally the worst pants for boner-hiding.
ejaculator123: I was comparing them to skinny jeans, most of the time i wear those (yeah I wear them, they're not that bad,i don't like regular jeans) when I typed that. The bagginess is better than a dick print when you don't have time to do the "dick-upright-hidden-by-waistband" trick
Call_Me_A_Stoat: Skinny jeans are awesome. They make me feel so majestic.
internet_observer: They make me feel like I have a vice on my crotch. More power to you if you like them, but I hate the constricting pressure and much prefer pants with a little more genital wiggle room.
cavalierau: Agreed. I can barely close the fly over my junk on skinny jeans. I guess I should be happy about this fact?
Random_Hero1989: thats why I don't wear skinny jeans, also I tend to not wear underwear, also I wear jeans with buttons now.... you guys can figure out why
Olipyr: Chewed bubblegum?
/shudder
Random_Hero1989: wasn't quite that bad, some light bleeding though, luckily it just got pinched and didn't get completely seized, not the funnest moment of my life, but I'm so grateful that it wasn't bad enough to warrant a trip to the emergency room
Olipyr: Oh good. I can still only picture that one scene....
Random_Hero1989: It wasn't anything close to that scene, but that scene was the first thing that came across my mind (after the blinding pain that is)
| 12 | 304.333333 | |
1376629022 | 1376632636 | t3_1kgojz | t5_2to41 | 14 | botchedtryouts: So my family takes road trips (about 6 hours each) across Texas to see family, go to the beach, whatever. During those trips, it becomes absolutely desolate. Like, miles of cornfields and dirt for a good 2 or 3 hours. Being the absolute genius I am, I decided not to pee and drink a big bottle of Gatorade before we left. My bladder was probably the size of a small balloon during that hell of a trip and it hurt to put pressure anywhere on my lower abdomen. I also peed a bit running to the bathroom, but that's basically a given.
rwfforever: Haha you have so many TIFU's. How old were you? Was it enough to like make a spot on your pants? It sucks to have leaked *that* close to a bathroom!
botchedtryouts: This was today, I'm 15! It wasn't that terrible, but enough for me to be fucking repulsed. I was wearing black shorts so I'm praying that no one saw. And yeah, it definitely sucks :( We were on a track, however, so no bathrooms were around except for in the school, which was far away and locked.
Today was not my day.
rwfforever: Hah sorry, no I was talking about the family trip thing. That's why I said you have a ton of TIFU's!
Yeah, I guess you couldn't have done anything :/
botchedtryouts: Aw shoot, another fuck up. I could make a book out of my daily life and sell it! Yeah, I couldn't help it but I just pulled through and made it work sort of. I was seriously considering bailing out midway and leaving but I stayed. I don't know if my decision was right or wrong to be completely honest. Whoops.
rwfforever: No it's a good thing to be persistent I think!
So on the family trip, how old were you? I was saying it sucked to leak after waiting that long and *finally* being close to a bathroom! Was it obvious to everyone you had to go bad, because I hope they made the first stop they could!
botchedtryouts: This was maybe a few years ago, back when I lived further away from family. I made sure to annoy my parents so much that they HAD to let me out at the first sight of civilization. Rural gas station bathrooms are gross. My life is seriously a series of "so close, yet so far away" moments.
rwfforever: That's good at least. Geez, I can't imagine how bad you had to go. How much did you pee while running? Did you manage to stop it once it started, or did you just have to run faster to the bathroom?
botchedtryouts: When that happens, it just leaks a bit with every hard impact. (More than a few drips but less than a flood.) It stopped once I got done running and I had to immediately hand in my name with my time on a card and leave for gymnastics, so I only peed like 30 minutes later.
rwfforever: Hah oh gosh, did you at least not have to go that bad afterwards? Or was the 30 minutes torture?
botchedtryouts: Slight torture. I was already a bit late to practice, but I didn't even care and made a beeline to the bathroom. When you gotta go, you gotta go.
rwfforever: And after that kind of an afternoon, especially. That must have been a relief after all that.
botchedtryouts: Yep! Heat and humidity made the route feel like a personal hell. I was immensely relieved, but I couldn't change my shirt and shorts that were all sweaty/pee laden. I bet my coach was grossed out when he spotted me, haha.
| 13 | 1.076923 | |
1376625108 | 1376643404 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | Awesome4some: TIFU by making Nazi jokes with a holocaust survivor in the room
bren_gunner: Jew feel bad about it, huh? I hope you tried to make things Reich!
Degenx316: I left something in the oven, don't want to overcook it
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1376627197 | 1376752066 | null | t5_2to41 | 46 | traversonbay: TIFU by finding a $50 bill then proceeding to lose it
SO BUMMED. I found a $50 bill in the parking lot of a mall near my work, it was the most money I've ever found. I was so happy that I had been staring at the bill all day, I instagrammed it. I kept it in my pocket, feeling it all day to make sure it was real.
I had a series of events that involved a bar (I wasn't drunk) but a long walk, bar, and social interaction caused me to somehow lose track of the crumbled up bill which was in my front left pocket.. I suspect it slipped out when I was taking out my phone at some point.
Now I'm a bit depressed and think there's a deeper meaning behind it. Maybe the universe is teasing me, like I don't deserve it. because now some other guy is going to pick it up and surely he's smart enough to at least spend it.
jdfm: Easy come, easy go.
WhatYouExpected: Will you let me go?
jdfm: Nope, you're stuck here.
WhatYouExpected: ^^^^Continue ^^^^the ^^^^song? ^^^^(Bohemian ^^^^Rhapsody)
jdfm: Shit sorry.
Soccadude123: You done goofed
| 7 | 6.571429 | |
1376629495 | 1376632151 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | bool_sheet: TIFU by dropping my phone in office restroom.
There I was taking a dump in my office bathroom and playing candy crush on my phone. After the deed was done and I was satisfied with the game, it was time to get back to work. So I try to put my phone in my pocket but it slips from my hand, falls on the floor and slides over in the next stall. Fuck!
To make it worst, the stall is occupied. No response from other stall. I can see my phone laying next to the person's shoe. I don't hear any movement so I clean myself as quickly as I could, wash my hands and waited for the stall to open.
5 mins go by, I am just standing outside awkwardly with no sign of the other stall opening. I can see part of my phone from under the door. So I say fuck it and reach to grab it myself. As I am bending to pick up the phone my boss walks in the restroom. I pick up the phone, give a embarrassing smile at him and walk out.
hazzard66: Wait, was your boss the person in the stall?
If not, why would this be embarrassing?
bool_sheet: No, he walked in the restroom as I was picking up my phone from the other stall which was still occupied.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1376631018 | 1376773761 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | Croxover: TIFU by sucking Sixlets off a laptop
Today my friends and I were enjoying a hookah and watching a movie in the living room of my best friend's apartment. One of my friends had Sixlets and was throwing them to catch them in our mouths (and that wasn't even the risky part.) He was placing them long his keyboard and I leaned over quickly to eat one of them and it jerked the hookah enough to launch the coals to the floor. Instinctually, I didn't want his apartment to burn down on my account so I dove for the coal and grabbed it to launch it back into the metal tray. It missed and hit the couch, my best friend's leg, then back to the floor. I didn't learn my lesson the first time and grabbed the coal again. I held it for a good 10 seconds and tossed it back to the hookah. I literally felt nothing for the first 2 minutes until the pain started shooting down my hand. My fingertips turned white and I rushed to the bathroom where my friends flooded in with a frozen banana and mustard.
TL;DR: I grabbed hookah coals to save an apartment and was aided by frozen bananas and mustard.
Toasters_R_us: "sixlets" is what we called sixth graders at my old school so that title threw me for a loop there for a second
Croxover: I assume you googled it? Lol
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1376641294 | 1376703005 | null | t5_2to41 | 592 | listen_louder: TIFU by beating a 5 year old at Wii Basketball
Relevant info: I'm a senior in college whose hobby is online gaming. My *very* Christian extended family has a yearly Christmas get-together.
At one such get together my 5 year old cousin, who happens to be holding the holy grail of drunken college house parties: The Wii, comes over to say hi. His dad (my uncle) tells me that Isaac wants to play Wii Sports with Big Cousin ListenLouder, to which Big Cousin ListenLouder immediately gets up from the 25 piece Dora the Exploerer puzzle he'd been feverishly working on for the past hour with his 4 year old cousin and proceeds to set the Wii up.
Now I'm smart enough to know that I'm supposed to lose. Nothing ruins a family gathering like a pissed of child and I'm going to do my job as the older cousin and be his bitch who constantly loses to his 5 year old cousin at Wii Basketball and takes the subsequent verbal abuse up the ass and says thank you can I have some more please.
Game 1 is me figuring out the game. Isaac 10, ListenLouder 8.
Ok I got this next one. I'll get up and let him come back so that he can think he's reason the sun rises in the morning to reveal the shit on his ass so others can wipe it for him. Game 2. I score about 8 points in a row, thinking I'm doing well since it isn't even half time yet. Check to scoreboard to see that I'm down 12-8. *The fuck??* I step up my game to try and close the gap. Lo and behold Isaac holds on to win 15-13.
>Ok ListenLouder you got this. Just don't get too into it. You can still salvage some dignity from this.
Game 3 begins. Isaac calls upon the spirit of Magic Fucking Johnson and somehow jumps out to a quick 10-5 lead. I'm starting to get incredibly frustrated at this little shits ability to destroy me and laugh in my face about it.
>Supress the competitive urge ListenLouder. He's only 5.
By this time my cries of frustration and disbelief are drawing a crowd. By the end of Game 4, I've now got no fewer than 3 generations of family laughing at my misfortune. The gloves come off. It's personal now. There's no possibility of salvaging any dignity from this situation. There's only the sweet nectar of revenge to dull the pain.
Game 5 begins. Isaac jumps out to an early 4-0 lead, but by half I close it to 7-5. Second half begins. I hit a clutch 3 to take the lead (my first of the day) and Isaac complains. Uncle tells Isaac that he can't win everything and does the whole fatherly thing, but I'm in the zone now. There's no mercy for this little fucker. Over the next several minutes I discover that my 5 year old cousin is a future MLG pro, as he manages to hit *every. single. fucking. shot.* The kid is a god damn machine. I'm down 16-12, and getting desperate. I'm seriously beginning to reevaluate my life at this point.
>It's ok ListenLouder. You've played countless hours of CoD. Months worth of WoW. Spent days at a time gorging yourself on LoL. All that time. All the blood sweat and tears. That has all been training to prepare you for this moment. You can overcome. You will defeat the beast.
My ball. I hit a clutch mid-range jumper to pull within one. Isaac's ball. I pull off the defensive stand of the millennium and steal the ball away. I hit a layup to take the lead with just seconds left. Isaac has one final chance to redeem himself.
At this point I think I recall my dad giving me a not-so-subtle look to let him win, but it didn't even register at the time. Shit was on. The room was dead quiet. The tension had never been higher. Isaac has 4 seconds to get a shot off, and with less than one second left he throws up a hasty shot. I watch hopelessly as my entire life flashes before my eyes. The ball arcs slowly towards the rim, and bounces off the side. I'd done it. The raid boss known as Isaac the 5 year old MLG Wii Basketball Hacker has been slain. I jump up in pure ecstasy and with the fiery rage of the humiliated gamer scream out "GET FUCKED!!!"
The room goes dead quiet and I realize that I just fucked up in the worst way possible. Everyone is staring at me in a mix of shock and horror. Not knowing what to do, I do the only logical thing one can do in a situation like this one, pull out my phone and pretend like I just got a call and excuse myself awkwardly.
Roll credits.
[deleted]: Best TIFU yet.
andrewsad1: I still think the disconnected colon is the best one. I just wish I could find a link to it...
[deleted]: Please find the link.
I_Am_A_Cunt777: [Think this is it](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/16913n/tifu_didnt_listen_to_the_doctor_and_forced/).
[deleted]: My god that was funny. Thanks mate, now that was the best TIFU.
| 6 | 98.666667 | |
1376643404 | 1376743394 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | NotForrestGump: TIFU two friendships in 24 hours.
I'll try to make this short. I met my best friends sister two days ago, she's incredibly cute but it was his sister so I thought I'd talk to him about it first. He says it's fine hook up, whatever, but then I did, twice, while he was home. He told me to stop but I didn't, I called her and we hooked up a third time. Later that night, my other good friend's ex from 2 years ago hits me up to hang out. Her and I were always good friends and I'm pretty sure my buddy is completely over her so I go over, one thing leads to another and we end up having sex. After, she tells me my buddy has been depressed and calling her a lot lately. Fuck. Me. I'm gonna have to tell my second friend what happened and he's gonna hate me. I can't believe I did this. I feel like a piece of shit.
**Tl:dr my penis overthrows my brain and I feel like the hitler of friendships**
wildwafle: That's nothing. I fucked up 7 friendships in less than 3 minutes.
Edit: more than i thought.
NotForrestGump: Please elaborate haha
wildwafle: I'd rather not for legal reasons. Lets just leave it at that but i had to get a mandatory psych evaluation afterwards.
Drugs are bad kids, DONT DO THEM.
Random_Hero1989: You can't make a post like that and not deliver!
wildwafle: I think i just did
Random_Hero1989: You wish this round mister wafle
wildwafle: *win
I have the feel this belongs in /r/firstworldanarchists
Edit: took me four tries to spell that subreddit right
Random_Hero1989: In my defense when I wrote that I had been up for 23 hours, I've now been up for 26 hours and should probably go to bed now
and Im not even going to edit my post, the whole line sounds so ridiculous that its making my sleep deprived brain chuckle, lets see if it's still funny when I wake up
| 9 | 3.555556 |
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