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value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1376646193 | 1376925388 | null | t5_2to41 | 117 | FINN_FANG_FOOM: TIFU by letting my dad borrow a blank CD
This happened a couple years ago when I was still in high school and masturbated A LOT ^more ^than ^I ^do ^now.
(Note, I was reminded of this incident when I read /u/ejaculator123's [post](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1kgsc7/tifu_by_ejaculating_while_my_dad_hugged_me/).)
It was an ordinary day on spring break. Both of my parents were at work, so being the horny teen that I was, it was time to turn on a chick-on-chick flick and whip my disco stick. I had a nice reclining computer chair which I sat in to take care of my fruity duties and a big ol' computer monitor to gaze upon the glory that is internet porn. As I was about to finish, I realized the tissue box was a bit out of reach. Luckily I was able to snatch a tissue and catch most of my fertilizer, but I noticed a drop on the floor. I looked all over the floor to make sure I got it all. I was so certain that I did.
Before bed I remembered my father wanted to borrow a blank CD. My desk has lower shelves under the main area, which is where I kept my blank CDs. So, in the dark, I blindly put a blank CD in a ziplock baggy and brought it out to the counter where my dad kept his wallet and keys so he would see it.
The next day I went to grab another CD and noticed there was a weird substance running down the side of them (they were in a stack [like this](http://i.imgur.com/DCqdQNI.jpg)). Oh shit. Since the one I gave my dad was on the top that means ^that ^one ^probably ^had ^the ^most ^semen ^on ^it.
When my dad came home I asked him if he used the CD. He said yes. I asked if there was anything weird about it. He said there was some weird sticky stuff on it. I could tell he wanted to start laughing. He knew. So I just flat out said "dad there was semen on that disk". We both laughed about it, but I still cringe every time I think about the fact that my dad probably had physical contact with my haploid cells.
TL;DR: I juiced my goose and some juice flew loose onto a blank disk that I gave to my father.
alienfrog: Loving your rhymes
swansonian: He could be a beat poet.
| 3 | 39 | |
1376668461 | 1376691664 | t3_1khaus | t5_2to41 | 194 | T_at: or her with a strap on, pegging him from behind while he wears a mask of the OP's face.
Yeah, guess you're right there.
OceanRacoon: >or her with a strap on, pegging him from behind while he wears a mask of the OP's face and she's holding a rat, finger fucks it to death with her entire hand, then stuffs it in her vadgecavern.
I think their dad should make an appearance in the next comment.
[deleted]: Really? Because I think we should stop.
OceanRacoon: > or her with a strap on, pegging him from behind while he wears a mask of the OP's face and she's holding a rat, finger fucks it to death with her entire hand, then stuffs it in her vadgecavern. Their father walks in with his 12 inch dick in one of [these](http://img.addfunny.com/files/uploads/pic/10/10/penis_cage486.jpg). He starts meowing and the sister roars that she's not taking it off until he's had his turn. With nothing else to do, he let's her boyfriend, adorned with the face of his only son, tongue his arsehole, and then kisses him for 3 minutes straight, without removing the mask, all the while jerking him off.
You asked for it.
Beebes68: At the end of the video, a simple card is flashed on the screen with the words:
The Aristocrats!
Le_Curieux: *[applause]*
| 6 | 32.333333 | |
1376655011 | 1376681148 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | hamtoucher: TIFU by putting my girlfriend's designer dress in the washing machine
It's the exact same shade of blue as our towels and was lurking in her pile of dark washing. I grabbed the whole pile and put it in the machine. Nearly had a heart attack when I pulled it out! I can't see any damage but I'm not going to stop panicking until she's back from work and has had a look at it. It's a slinky Reiss lace dress that looks really really fragile. Bugger!
Never_Been_Missed: This is why we have two hampers. Random shit hamper, and the hamper with the "nice" stuff...
StinkiePete: Seems so obvious now...
| 3 | 9.666667 | |
1376675852 | 1376693241 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | schattentag: TIFU by eating a scone full of bugs
Ok (shudder) so here's the deal. I'd noticed a couple of fruit flies in the kitchen a few days ago; no biggie, I thought. Those things are always around in warm weather. They're harmless and real tiny. Totally not worth the effort in exterminating.
I was sorely mistaken.
Today I got home from the gym and grabbed some juice and an opened bag of raisin scones I'd bought two days ago. I'd just left the bag on the counter, closed (or so I thought) so the bread wouldn't go bad too quickly. With my lunch in hand, I sat down in front of the computer and watched some YouTube while drinking my juice and munching on a tasty scone. I think I was watching something funny; I remember laughing. And then the video I was watching ended. I was nearly through with the scone, just a bite or so left, so I crammed it in my mouth and looked down at the bag to get another one.
The inside of the bag was crawling with fruit flies. Their small, dark bodies buzzed and crawled over the bread, making it look like it had been sprinkled with amaranth seeds that could move. I'm trying to repress the memory already from how unbelievably, horrifyingly gross it was. They were all over the last remaining scone, evidently trapped inside with no way out, having been attracted by the smell of the bread or the raisins in the scones or God knows what. What's important is that I'd just eaten an ENTIRE scone that was sure to have had at least a handful of those disgusting insects on it, and I'd been to busy stuffing it into my mouth while watching videos to notice the extra protein I was ingesting.
I did not scream like a little girl, probably because I still had a full mouthful of the awful bread in my mouth. I just spat out every last crumb without thinking, spraying it everywhere, rushed to the bathroom and rinsed my mouth about twenty times before I felt clean enough to go back and throw away the bread bag of hell with shaking hands. I'm never eating a scone again in my life.
TL; DR - Look at your food before eating it.
wonderlandrabbit: I did this once, except it was a bowl of cereal full of mealworms. I only got halfway through though. It sucks.
schattentag: oh god. that's even worse :S
| 3 | 13.333333 | |
1376616253 | 1376801065 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | beanieb: TIFU by running with scissors
The closest dumpster/recycling bin to my house is a good half mile away, so I usually drive my trash over on my way out to somewhere. I was going to pick up a friend from the airport and decided to take the trash out on the way with my dog in tow. I had a box that was full of packing peanuts so I brought along some scissors to break down the box when I had emptied those out. I didn't want to put the scissors point down in my pocket risking a stab to the leg, so I put them in point up amd road myself to bring careful.
I got to the dumpster and was pouring the packing peanuts out of the box when my dog spots a squirrel and jumps out the window. I chase after her, stabbing myself in the arm with the scissors. No stitches needed but ow.
team-periwinkle: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOUR: mother,farther,teachers, and smokey the Fucking bear tell you?!?!?!?!??
Edit I may be wrong about smokey.
SirAndi: This made me laugh so hard.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1376683057 | 1377211256 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,106 | Senamage: TIFU by tasting baby shit.
My sister recently had a baby and isn't able to leave her house very often due to taking care of the baby. So yesterday I decided to be nice and bring over taco bell and alleviate her by holding her baby. That way she could eat in peace. While holding the baby he let go a fart of all farts, or so I thought(sounded like an orchestra of tuba players). It smelled bad so I passed him back off to my sister. While she was changing him I decided to eat my delicious five layer beef burrito. I looked down and and saw what I presumed to be some of the meat that leaked out of the shell. I went ahead and licked it off my shirt. BIG MISTAKE, it was some of his shit that leaked out of the diaper. When the taste hit my taste buds I immediately start puking everywhere, on her newly shampooed carpet, on her microfiber couch, and all on myself. I cannot fully describe the taste of it, other than 20 year old hamburger meat, and garbage with the texture of grits.
TL:DR Baby shit leaked out of the diaper and I mistaked it for meat that fell out of my burrito, then puked.
*sorry for bad grammar.
[deleted]: That's going to make for a hell of a story when you're the cool uncle that sneaks him into bars when he's 16. My uncle would always bring up how, when I was a week old, he went to kiss me, thought I was trying to slip him the tongue, so he punched me. We were all so fucking drunk.
UnculturedLout: Your uncle punched a baby?
[deleted]: Well, he was 9.
UnculturedLout: And you were both drunk? You must have terrible parents.
[deleted]: At the bar when he would recall the the story, dipshit.
UnculturedLout: Settle down tiger. It was a joke.
[deleted]: A shitty one. But you're so random and quirky, so a tip of the fedora to you, my gentle snowflake.
UnculturedLout: I never said it was funny, it just wasn't meant to be taken seriously. Peace. Your fedora can stay where it's at.
[deleted]: No one cares, chinstrap.
UnculturedLout: Owie. You've desperately hurt my feelings. At least come up with an original insult. You've become very boring.
[deleted]: Uh, it's just a joke, man. Which means it isn't supposed to be funny. Right? Who ever heard of a funny joke?
UnculturedLout: I'd stop replying, but this relationship clearly means a lot to you. How's the weather where you're at?
[deleted]: Well, it's cooled off to the point where I'm no longer swimming in my dick sweat. How about you, moonface?
UnculturedLout: Moonface actually sounds kinda pretty. Suffering from some swamp cleavage over here. Thanks for asking.
[deleted]: Kinky
| 16 | 69.125 | |
1376683616 | 1377004046 | null | t5_2to41 | 52 | phabineas_proximus: TIFU by signing up for my free week of hulu plus, even though I've gotta do the next 3 days in jail.
not too horribly bad, i had every intention of subscribing. Still, a free week is a free week; I just wasn't even thinking.
Farewell until monday, Reddit!
[deleted]: I think the fuck up is what landed to in jail...
...Why are you going to jail?
phabineas_proximus: I'm in a program called drug court for getting 2 'possession(s) w/ intent to distribute.' The first one is still categorized for marijuana but a while back weed got bumped up to a controlled substance, so I get the same punishment as if I was sellin meth for the 2nd one. #weaksauce
About a month ago I got a ticket for a PI, and you're not supposed to get caught sneezing by the police while you're in drug court. So in addition to the ticket the judge gave me a 3 day sanction as punishment.
[deleted]: You'll have to forgive me, I'm a sheltered fellow. I did not understand that completely.
What I did get out of it was:
Drugs x2 (Marijuana)
phabineas_proximus: First offense was: Possession of marijuana w/ intent to distribute
Second was: Possession of CDS w/ intent to distribute; but it was still marijuana. CDS use to be harder narcotics, like crack, heroine, meth; now it includes marijuana. I actually got lucky both times. The first time was in my car, and I only had my immediate deliveries and luckily they never saw it necessary to check my apt. The second time I had just unloaded almost 5 lbs a couple hours prior to the knock on the door, and all I had at that time was about an oz. and a half. If the cops had planned better, I could have had trafficking charges both times. That, most likely, would've been prison time.
[deleted]: Sounds like a lot of marijuana. If I may ask, why did you have so much?
phabineas_proximus: money. Being illegal around here makes it profitable. I sold only to people I knew and at more than fair prices. Allowed me to buy the clothes I wanted. Nothin too fancy, $700 suits. $200 shoes. Smoked better weed than I sold. Partied every night. I wasn't makin crack dealer money, but I was livin better most 21 yr olds. I only kept a job during this time in order to not have my mom suspicious.
After getting caught the first time, I was sentenced to 60 days. The judge was kind enough to let me finish out the semester, I just had to turn myself in on June 1. When I got out, school had already started, and I haven't been back since. Got tired of livin paycheck to paycheck (min wage is a joke) and eventually had to get back to it. I had the 'too-young-and-too-fast' lifestyle and thats hard to fund on 8.25/ hr
(yes I know, more than min wage), esp. when your employer won't let you get OT. So back to pot I went
[deleted]: Was the lifestyle really worth that risk though?
phabineas_proximus: Yes. I played close to the chest. The only reason I was scoped out the first time was because of a punkass boss who was jealous I was making more money than he was. I was supplying the workplace, including the previous GM, but then this new guy comes in and didn't like my carrying myself the way I did. He fired me and put the police on my scent. I hadn't had any felonies at this point--just some misdemeanors-- so i acted untouchable, and that caught up to me in a bad way. The second time, I just moved weight. I only dealt w/ very few people directly. One night, I had a few people over, and my drunk friend and his girl got into a yellin bout. i kicked em out asap, but someone had already called the cops. A friend that was still there heard a knock on the door and thought one of em was comin back. Just as I'm tellin him, "No!" he opens the door to two cops.
And me w/ a cigar in my hand and weed broken up on the table.
Sorry. I digress. I felt it was worth the risk bc I kept the risk minimal. But bad luck seems to think we're best friends and refuses to leave me be.
On the other hand, drug court has really humbled me. I work a dead end job atm, and don't live nearly as well-off as I did; but I've found comfort in well-enough. It was the definitely the kick I needed to re-enroll in school, which hasn't happened yet, but it's on the radar again after a three year absence.
[deleted]: I'm glad you're going back to school. Other than that, I can't really comment.
| 10 | 5.2 | |
1376686595 | 1376697194 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | hatchlinghaven: TIFU by wearing a bra in front of my fiance's brother
So, I used to date my fiance's brother a really long time ago, and I feel that things are still kind of awkward between us. Now I had an argument with my mother who btw is the devil, and so I left and went over to my fiance's house. His brother usually doesn't get home till around 4:30 from what I have seen in the past; But today was different. I'm on reddit, minding my own business, and not paying attention to what is going on around me. My fiance's brother apparently comes home and lucky for me I had put pants on because I was getting cold, but I was still only in a bra on the top. He decides to check who is home, not knowing that I'm here and knocks once then opens the door. I see, get up, run to the closet and hide and say don't you even think of coming in, to which he promptly shuts the door and goes into the other room. I put a shirt on and come out, and try to confront him but fail, and instead we have a lovely conversation without making any eye contact and then I disappear into the room again. I am so embarrassed and don't want to ever see him again....
nuahsllim: No way this is real. No WAY jose!
What ever would happen if he saw you in a bathing suit?! Dear Moses the world is ENDING!
hatchlinghaven: Hah, you're funny. But it's kind of weird for me to be oggled by my ex bf who just happens to be my fiance's older brother. It's kind of weird.
nuahsllim: You made it weird by dating brothers.
hatchlinghaven: True.
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1376623601 | 1377926157 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | scumbagjohn: [TIFU] Trying to fix my own phone when I was in a bad mood after fighting with my SO. Not recommended.
TL;DR Don't do delicate things that require precision movement and patience when you're in a angry-getting-over-a-fight mood.
So the problem was not that I pressed down too hard or even had a piece of glass scratch it or 1 pressure point poke at it, but instead there was a large piece of adhesive glass that I tried to remove that stuck too well to the LCD and brought tension upwards (like peeling a band-aid from your skin) which rendered the screen unusable.
I was so focused on not PUSHING down that I didn't even consider this as a possibility for ruining the LCD.
Hopefully this will be a warning lesson to some so that they can avoid doing the same things and learn from my misfortune. Now there is a inch linear raise (bump) up on the lcd portion of the phone and the screen won't come on at all. :-(
I feel really miserable about this I've done about 5 glass replacements in the past with my friends phones with no problem, but this time its mine and I feel like a bit of a clutz
I don't have insurance on this phone so what am I supposed to do with this thing at this point? Is the cost of getting this phone repaired similar or comparable to just buying a new phone? Can I sell it for scraps? If so where?
photoclimber: What type of phone do you have? I do a lot of screen replacements on many different phones and started a small business from my home repairing phones, tablets, and other devices.
scumbagjohn: > What type of phone do you have?
Samsung Galaxy s III
these phones are still selling in the range of 390-440.
The digitizer assembly alone will probably be 100-120
what do you recommend?
photoclimber: If you are fixing an S3, make sure to buy the digitizer and LCD pre-assembled. The LCD is fused to the digitizer and very hard to remove without expensive machinery, even though people online say you can. The cost for the LCD and digitizer should be about $150-$190 online. Check ebay and read up on the reviews to make sure they don't give you aftermarket or low quality parts. Companies based in the USA have been reliable for me. This repair shouldn't be too hard either, just watch a how to video (all of it, even if it seems slow or repetive).
| 4 | 2 | |
1376708585 | 1377260996 | t3_1kint0 | t5_2to41 | 8 | sue-dough-nim: I rationalised that they were in a country with weird driving age laws.
k1ngm1nu5: Not too far off. Here in Idaho, I could already have my permit.
The14thCompanion: A fellow Idahoan! I'm not the only one! Upvotes for sympathy and living in the same state.
k1ngm1nu5: Haha. Yeah, we don't seem to be very common on reddit.
The14thCompanion: Nope. What part of Idaho do you live in?
k1ngm1nu5: I'll PM you.
| 6 | 1.333333 | |
1376696674 | 1376708964 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU after wiping my ass.
I'm a habitual shit-sniffer. Don't ask why, I can't explain it.
For years now, I've wiped my ass, and then given the toilet paper a brief sniff.
I guess my hand wasn't quite steady enough today, because I kissed my nose with it.
Pretty shitty, probably should have made a throwaway for this post.
In-Valid-Username: You should never do that again, why did you even start in the first place?
sue-dough-nim: He can't explain it.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1376709749 | 1376710728 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: I was sick at work, and I didn't go home when it was obvious that I should have gone home.
Okay, I am a cashier at a fast food joint. And today, I am sick with the cold. The night before, I called everyone I could to see if they are willing to cover for me. No one was available to work.
So I bought some dayquil and some energy drinks to get myself through my 9 hour shift. I felt like shit and I KNEW I shouldn't be there, but I didn't think I was sick enough to justify calling my boss and tell him that I am not coming in that day. I was miserable, but I didn't have a fever or had a bad enough cough.
So half the day went on without major problems. I did my best to manage my sickness, I sneezed in the cook of my arm, I tried to limit my exposure to food and I washed my hands often.
However, during the dinner rush I was helping on push in the drive through. Then something happened, i guess the congestion, the dry air, maybe the dayquil caused me to have a fucking bloody nose right there, right in front of the fucking customer. I quickly excused myself to take care of my nose bleed.
Usually, if I felt I had a choice in the matter I would pack up my shit and gone home once my nose started to bleed. However, I was 2 or 3 hours away from quitting time, we were in the middle of a rush so we were pretty busy, not to mention the two other cashiers didn't have their lunch breaks yet. I felt trapped in a "damned if you do and damned if you don't" situation. Staying ment potentially offending customers (spoiler alert: that's what happened) and leaving that early meant risking my ass for leaving early like that.
So I took a gamble and stayed. I went to the bathroom, stuffed a wad of toilet paper up my nose, washed my hands and went back to work. Before I continue I should mention the drive through can see the drive through area, the walk (dining room register) and the office. This is where the problem begins, the very same customer that witnessed my nose bleed, saw that I stuffed the paper in my nose. Then it gets worse, I proceeded to fucking SNEEZE OUT THE TOILET PAPER NOSE PLUG. I went to the office to blow my nose and clean myself up again. However, my drugged, tired mind didn't think to wash my hands after (I know, it's fucking gross and I very embarrassed that I forgot to do it). Then, I went back to work on that same customer's order. She saw the whole fucking thing.
She called like an hour later. She was rightfully pissed. All I could do was apologize (as if offering free food would help after that disgusting display). She wanted to talk to my boss, I told her when he'll be in tomorrow. She will call. I left an hour early once my co-workers had their breaks.
I would be more worried for my job, but I am too sick, too tired, and too messed up on cold medicine to care right now. FML.
EDIT: Shit I forgot to start my title with "TIFU", I hope the mods can forgive my transgression.
swordfishtrombonez: Tell your boss you are so sorry, the cough medicine hit you very hard and you didn't even know what you were doing, but you feel so terrible today. Also say if you're that sick, you know not to come in.
FragCakes: I have the cold not the flu. If you had to skip work completely, leaving your shift a man short you had to be really sick with a note from a doctor. I wasn't that sick. My boss and co-workers all worked when they were ill and I had no leg to stand on to justify not coming if i couldn't get someone to cover.
I had a lapse of judgement that completely nauseated that customer. Looking back, I should have excused myself long enough to where my nose stopped bleeding and that customer left the drive through. Or risk my butt by leaving right when I had that nosebleed.
I don't think I would loose my job over it (i hope not). My boss is a pretty cool guy and he would probably understand.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1376712353 | 1377191857 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by dropping my phone into the poop-filled toilet
I froze for a good 2-3 seconds before I took the plunge and grabbed it with my bare hands. It seems to still work but I've turned it off and put it in rice for the next two days.
Does anyone know how to get rid of the poop smell that's seeped into my phone?
iScoopPoop: I dropped my phone once and it ALMOST landed in the poop-filled toilet but thankfully my reflexes were fast enough to (attempt) to catch it and it landed next to the toilet.
[deleted]: That's ironic considering your name lmao
| 3 | 5 | |
1376711080 | 1376812251 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | kiloroi: TIFU By misplacing my handgun.
I always carry my gun with me in my car and then bring it inside when I get home from work or wherever. This morning I was in a rush and was operating on 4 hours sleep. So I had my hands full and just threw my gun on the passenger seat when I got in, next to my computer back pack. I pull up to the drive thru window at my local McDonalds and realize it's just in plain sight. Didn't want to scare the lady at the window so I threw it in my bag real fast.
Then I drive 30 min to work and forget it's there and don't put it in the usual spot in the car. I take the bag into work and it just sits there all day long (12 hour shift) and I go in and out of my bag for my laptop all day without realizing it's there.
Get home and reach back to grab the gun to bring it inside. NOT THERE. Freak the fuck out and try to retrace my steps and what the fuck happened. Tear the room apart, open safe, clean out car, check all the places I was last night in the house, pull apart the bed, check under it. All the places I knew I didn't even go, but just in case.
About to call the cops and report it and decide to open the bag as I forgot about the whole hiding it thing this AM. Open it up and it's just sitting there. Could have gotten fired and arrested at work, still probably would get fired if work found out.
TL;DR: Forgot my gun in my bag, brought it into work, freaked when I couldn't find it when I got home.
YES, I KNOW I'M A COMPLETE ASSHOLE AND SHOULD PROBABLY GET RID OF THE GUN CAUSE I'M AN IDIOT.
helloimjess: soooo lucky u didnt get pulled over for something :o so do u at least got the permit for a concealed gun :?
kiloroi: In my state you don't need a permit to keep it in your car.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1376723456 | 1376827093 | null | t5_2to41 | 70 | PassionMonster: TIFU by making the mods delete /r/creepy
I submitted a post earlier about an old theme park in NC.
The mods removed it after over 250 karma, so I messaged "Whats the deal", things escalated and now its fucking gone.
Read all about it here
http://www.reddit.com/r/KarmaCourt/comments/1kjazd/i_recently_posted_a_picture_to_rcreepy_it_hit_the/
http://i.imgur.com/jh0yH8x.jpg
[deleted]: The mod is a little bitch. He removed a subreddit because of a post that wasn't Oh my god I'm gonna have nightmares creepy. But it was Oh my god that is a serial killer/pedophile creepy. OP don't feel bad, the guy was obviously a mod that abused his power.
NightHawk877: I've dealt with plenty of those mods before and I either revoked their title or showed them the front door.
I'm a former forum administrator.
[deleted]: Why are you a former administrator?
NightHawk877: I was part of a forum a friend of mine ran back in 2007. Sadly the forum only lasted a few months before an angry member hacked into the forum and did irreparable damage.
flyonscreen: im curious what was it about?
NightHawk877: It was about video games. The forum got very big in the 4 months it lasted.
| 7 | 10 | |
1376740225 | 1376807747 | null | t5_2to41 | 618 | shocktatic: Today all my fuckups came back to haunt me....
cyondios: My friend... you and numbers are not friends.
DEATH_BY_CIRCLEJERK: Yeah, but I gotta say this isn't really /t/tifu material. OP, I regret the day you actually have full of fuckups for I fear you will not take it well at all. This was just a "I kinda/sorta had a bad day" post.
Garlic_and_Onion: Everything is relative. Also, personally I'd rather have 1 major fuck-up rather than 3 minor ones.
DEATH_BY_CIRCLEJERK: I suppose you are right. I guess my comment was too critical and the post is fine here.
| 5 | 123.6 | |
1376744642 | 1376770449 | null | t5_2to41 | 184 | ColdSauce: TIFU by going on the wrong tour bus.
My sister and I are on vacation in Miami. We decided we would like to visit Key West since we heard it was a cool place. We got up at 5:30 in the morning to get ready. We packed all our stuff and got a call from the front desk saying that the tour bus was right outside waiting for us. We quickly got our things and went to the front desk and thanked him. We went outside and the bus was right there. The driver was in the back talking to the passengers in Spanish while we got comfy in our seats in the front. He came back to his seat, not saying a word. We just went along with it. We started driving and I immediately asked my sister to check if we were going the right way. She said that there were still a few more hotels he needed to visit and pickup the people. Eventually, after getting on the highway, the bus has some sort of a brake down and the driver went to get a new bus to transfer the luggage to. We asked the bus driver if the bus was going to key west and he told us that the bus behind him went to key west and that he was going to orlando. He called a cab for us as we were stranded in a really bad neighborhood with homeless people and crackheads on every street corner. The cab finally got there and after 20 grueling miles of watching the fare go up, we payed about 100 dollars and went back to our hotel.
im_not_original_: Haha, are you staying in the south beach area? I've had a couple of screw ups happen to my guests before.
ColdSauce: Yeah I am, I really hate it here. I have never met people as rude anywhere else. For some reason I feel like all of the locals look at me like I killed their entire family. I don't get it.
im_not_original_: I work at the Beacon Hotel and usually around these parts of the area everyone is very friendly. Don't get a bad impression of Miami, don't let your vacation be ruined. :)
ColdSauce: I'll be sure to go there next time I go to Miami! I guess I just met the wrong people then!
im_not_original_: It happens, even to me every now and then but Miami is a great city. And yes that be awesome, meeting a Redditor in person :P enjoy your time here, :D
| 6 | 30.666667 | |
1376743013 | 1376803190 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | pit_and_pendulum: TIFU by talking smack about my housemate
Loooooong story short, I kind of complained about my housemate Jane to her sorority sister. Said sorority sister probably ratted me out. Jane texted me mildly combative messages, and even her boyfriend has been asking me if Jane and I are really fighting. It happened two days ago. Jane's been staying at her boyfriend's place since then. If she decides to move out (which would be dumb but Jane's a drama queen), I'm fucked because, well, rent.
[deleted]: I assume you guys signed a lease of some sort, because she can't just up and leave and stop paying rent without repercussions.
Little_Endian: Many leases are "joint-and-several" in US college towns for this reason. I know I could have been held responsible if my roommates bailed during college.
twblalock: This is very true.
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1376765768 | 1376768424 | null | t5_2to41 | 134 | rashk0: TIFU by handling my balls without washing my hands after cleaning 20 habanero peppers
2 hours later they still burn
phoenixink: When will people learn??
rashk0: I just did
| 3 | 44.666667 | |
1376769087 | 1376769519 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to get some fresh air
I was at my boys place early morn (around playing some fighting games when realized how hot in the room it was. Me trying to do a good deed goes to the window to try and get some air in the room going.
Now i'm assuming this had to do with the 3 beers or 2 bowl hits but my coordination was way more off than i expected, i wind up knocking over an antique lamp that belongs to my boys roommate and breaking off a piece of the bottom. Advice would be awesome also since we haven't told his roommates that i broke this really nice lamp. I was told to just put it back and not act like anything happened but we all know how those stories turn out. So yeah, i done goofed. Thoughts/advice?
lunacite: I'm confused. Is this your son?
[deleted]: boy as in good friend. nyc slang showing sorry
| 3 | 1 | |
1376713914 | 1376876200 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | FragCakes: TIFU by improperly handling a bloody nose while sick at work.
((Reposted the thread to adhere to the rules of the subreddit))
Okay, I am a cashier at a fast food joint. And today, I am sick with the cold. The night before, I called everyone I could to see if they are willing to cover for me. No one was available to work.
So I bought some dayquil and some energy drinks to get myself through my 9 hour shift. I felt like shit and I KNEW I shouldn't be there, but I didn't think I was sick enough to justify calling my boss and tell him that I am not coming in that day. I was miserable, but I didn't have a fever or had a bad enough cough.
So half the day went on without major problems. I did my best to manage my sickness, I sneezed in the cook of my arm, I tried to limit my exposure to food and I washed my hands often.
However, during the dinner rush I was helping on push in the drive through. Then something happened, i guess the congestion, the dry air, maybe the dayquil caused me to have a fucking bloody nose right there, right in front of the fucking customer. I quickly excused myself to take care of my nose bleed.
Usually, if I felt I had a choice in the matter I would pack up my shit and gone home once my nose started to bleed. However, I was 2 or 3 hours away from quitting time, we were in the middle of a rush so we were pretty busy, not to mention the two other cashiers didn't have their lunch breaks yet. I felt trapped in a "damned if you do and damned if you don't" situation. Staying ment potentially offending customers (spoiler alert: that's what happened) and leaving that early meant risking my ass for leaving early like that.
So I took a gamble and stayed. I went to the bathroom, stuffed a wad of toilet paper up my nose, washed my hands and went back to work. Before I continue I should mention the drive through can see the drive through area, the walk (dining room register) and the office. This is where the problem begins, the very same customer that witnessed my nose bleed, saw that I stuffed the paper in my nose. Then it gets worse, I proceeded to fucking SNEEZE OUT THE TOILET PAPER NOSE PLUG. I went to the office to blow my nose and clean myself up again. However, my drugged, tired mind didn't think to wash my hands after (I know, it's fucking gross and I very embarrassed that I forgot to do it). Then, I went back to work on that same customer's order. She saw the whole fucking thing.
She called like an hour later. She was rightfully pissed. All I could do was apologize (as if offering free food would help after that disgusting display). She wanted to talk to my boss, I told her when he'll be in tomorrow. She will call. I left an hour early once my co-workers had their breaks.
I would be more worried for my job, but I am too sick, too tired, and too messed up on cold medicine to care right now. FML.
WeHateSand: OP, mind telling us if you're okay? Did you lose the job?
FragCakes: I think I still have it, I can't be sure what will happen until Tuesday. I didn't work with him on Saturday and he has Sunday and Monday off.
WeHateSand: good luck man
| 4 | 2 | |
1376713705 | 1377046523 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | blacken111: TIFU by straight up wiping my ass with poison ivy
Pretty self explanatory. I had to crap in the woods and grabbed the only large leaf I could find. I knew what I had done immediately after. Actually happened a couple weeks ago, and was the worst poison ivy I've had in years.
faunum: If you realize this soon enough, you can try to wash the oils off your skin before they seep in. I accidentally grabbed some poison oak in a river and because of an immediate thorough washing I never had any symptoms.
blacken111: I tried that. I'm that allergic to it, and this was the most mature ivy I've ever seen, which is why I wasn't worried about it at the time. It was four feet off the ground, and ten feet from the nearest tree, and I know the more mature the more potent.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1376761295 | 1376788219 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | Cosmic_Hitchhiker: TIFU by accidentally making a joke about my sic neighbor.
The backstory is that my next door neighbor has breast cancer and just recently had a huge surgery. She's been sick for a few years now and abou a week ago she got into a massive car accident, ripping her stitches and giving her a concussion to the point that she doesn't remember the accident. I was discussing this with my parents and my stepdad said "oh jeez, that poor woman and her family, the hits just keep coming."
To which I replied out of habit,
"Haha, literally. Ba dum tsss"
I got sent to my room... Not a huge fuck up. But still.
Brahma1234: Your.... Umm...... An ass
Cosmic_Hitchhiker: I swear to god it was an accident. I say stupid shit like that all the time. And I wasn't paying attention the the situation... But yeah. I'm an ass.
| 3 | 2 | |
1376771965 | 1376804924 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by shitting in my friend's bedroom.
Got black out drunk... woke up with a pile of shit in the corner of her room. I think it is safe to say that I ruined that friendship.
Tek2674: Do... Do we reset the timer..?
OceanRacoon: RESET THE COUNTER
*CLINK*
| 3 | 4 | |
1376776865 | 1376874932 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | ayoriver: TIFU by blacking out and vomiting everywhere
About 2 years ago, I had been introduced to alcohol for the first time. I had a few good experiences with it, so I figured I could step it up a notch and go to a party. Keep in mind, I haven't found my limits for alcohol yet. We made it to the party, and since I didn't know anyone, I immediately started downing beers. About an hour goes by and more people show up, and these people have vodka. As soon as I see the vodka I realize that I am sick of beer, so I go get a couple of shots.(I say a couple because I have no idea how many I actually took)
This is when the part that gets a little hazy. I'm obliterated, slurring my words and stumbling around, having a great time. I go and sit next to the fire (I don't remember where the fire came from), and start talking to the people sitting next to it.
I've blacked out, for the first time in my life.
The next thing I remember, I'm awake on the couch in the party host's house, feeling like complete shit. I stand up, feeling a wetness on the back of my jeans and the smell of putrid vomit wafting up to my nostrils. The only thought running through my head is that someone threw up all over me, because somehow, the puke was only on the back side of my pants. I wake my friend up and tell him we have to go, so we go back to his house so I can sleep off the hangover from hell. We get a call a few hours later from none other than the girl whose house the party was at. She proceeded to tell my friend and I that I went to the bathroom to throw up and apparently I had missed and just puked all over the ground, and I'm guessing I just couldn't kneel anymore and just sat down on the ground, which explained why my pants were only wet on the back. I felt really bad about just leaving after I threw up everywhere, so I went back and helped clean it all up, which was the most painfully awkward and embarrassing experience of my life, not to mention I was hung over beyond belief.
**TL;DR**: I drank to way too much and threw up everywhere without realizing it.
quasi-phryne: Good for you for going back to clean up.
Remember, hard liquor, then beer, then wine. The silly rhymes are true, at least in my experience.
alone7225: Beer before liquor get drunk quicker!
Liquor before beer and you're in the clear!
Shots before wine you're looking fine!
Wine before shots the girls look hot!
| 3 | 2 | |
1376787091 | 1376800879 | t3_1kko6f | t5_2to41 | 13 | iScoopPoop: I didn't know that man was handicapped until he turned around, but... yes... I am an asshole and felt really shitty about myself for the rest of the day.
Dittro: Did you apologise to him?
iScoopPoop: Yes, I did. Luckily, I saw him again just about an hour or so later. He must live in one of the adjacent apartment buildings because I've seen him a few times before this incident. I apologized to him then. Again, I felt really shitty about the entire thing.
Dittro: At least you did, I myself felt kinda pitiful for the man after reading this. At least you apologizing made me fell better. I hope the man feels better too.
iScoopPoop: Indeed. I'll probably end up running into him again since we live on the same block. I'm going to be super nice to him.
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1376781390 | 1376831092 | null | t5_2to41 | 333 | bankergoesrawrr: TIFU by accidentally stripping myself
This happened some time ago but my friend suggested I post it here.
So I have this nervous habit of picking on things. Usually I'd chew off my fingernails first, then start picking on my cuticles, and then I'll pick on whatever's nearby.
That day, I had a client that had a multi-million dollar deal happening, and they needed my bank to provide the bid bond (basically a statement from the bank saying they have a certain amount of money locked up, that the government can take if the company fails to meet their obligations) to the government. If they don't win this deal, they pretty much have to stop operations in the country I was in. They're long time contractors of the government so it's a sure win, they just needed the bid bond as a formality. Since it's a big deal, they've asked about it for over a month.
Somehow, tons of fuck ups happen culminating with the biggest one on the day we had to issue the bid bond. There's only ONE person in Operations (the other people were sick & on compliance leave) who could approve it and he went for a long lunch. The bid bond had to be submitted by 2pm. At 1pm, the guy still cannot be reached.
My douche boss freaked out and ran off, going, "Oh, you're a sweet, young thing. They won't yell at you. So you deal with it? Ok, bye!"
He then proceeded to ignore everyone's phone calls so it's just me trying to calm everyone down. I had the local CEO, local CFO, Regional CEO & Regional CFO calling me nonstop. The 2 Finance Managers were with me, waiting outside out Operations department. I realized I may not be such a shitty banker after all when my bullshitting skills came out. Our conversation went something like:
Client: Why is it taking so long??
Me: Ah, you see, since we did not receive the telex, our Operations department have to type the entire thing from scratch.
Client: We gave you the soft copy!
Me: We thought that would work, but turns out the system doesn't allow copy pasted text, so someone in operations has to retype the entire thing.
Client: Oh my god...you're one of the world's largest bank and this is what your operations have to put up with? I feel so bad for them.
Me: Me too, so let's be nice to them.
*20 minutes later*
Client: Can you check what's going on? It's been 20 minutes and it can't take that long to type up one page...
Me: Bad news, the guy typing it up made a typo so we have to backspace all the way to the typo and retype the entire thing.
Client: What.
Me: Yes, it's time for a system upgrade. Don't worry, I've asked my legal team to be on standby to check on the typing to make sure there are no more typos.
Client: Oh my god, thank you so much!
As you can see, the bullshit I was coming up with was incredible. Obviously I was trying not to shit bricks while maintaining a calm front. I chewed off all my nails already and picked my cuticles until my fingers were bloody.
Unfortunately, I noticed a loose string on my skirt and started twirling it around my fingers nervously while I kept chatting and joking with my clients trying to pretend everything's fine.
Then I heard the string snap. I looked down quickly but everything looked fine.
The bid bond finally got approved and I got up to collect it. As I kept walking, I noticed it kept getting breezier. That's when I noticed the slit on my dress kept getting wider and higher. By the time I saw my clients off, it was up to my waist. Luckily, it stopped there and my clients didn't notice since they were too busy trying to rush off to deliver the bid bond.
I spent the entire day holding my dress together with paper clips.
Some comments I got:
"I knew I made the right decision leaving you with them." /sleazy wink - The douche boss
"Congratulations on your upcoming promotion!"
"Wow....I didn't realize this is the service your bank provides..."
"So this is why your clients like you..."
"Gentlemen, this is true dedication right here. So next time [this infamous creepy, super horny middle aged female CFO of a very large, multinational company] has a deal, one of you need to one up this and take one for the team. Just close your eyes and imagine you're somewhere far away..."
In-China: >Me: Bad news, the guy typing it up made a typo so we have to backspace all the way to the typo and retype the entire thing.
I lost it here xD
FFBetaDragon: Your products are garbage.
In-China: I think I'm missing a reference here. What are you talking about?
fredinvisible: I think they're making a joke about your username.
In-China: I wouldn't call it a joke -- cosumers here actually avoid MIC products when possible.
| 6 | 55.5 | |
1376793074 | 1376824035 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,024 | [deleted]: TIFU by tripping and landing in my best friend's jizz
This actually happened last night, but it was after midnight so technically it was today. Anyway, last night we had a little get-together to celebrate my last night in town before moving back to college. It was just myself, my best friend, and about six of our friends. There was of course alcohol involved, and my best friend decided to partake...hard. By about midnight he's sufficiently trashed so driving home is clearly not an option. In fact, it had stopped being an option about an hour prior. Rather than mess with having someone to come pick him up, he decides he'll just spend the night at my house. No problem, he's slept over a number of times. My brother had already moved out so I brought his mattress in and put it on my bedroom floor. So by about 4am we're all settled in for the night, I in my bed and he on the mattress. While he sobers up, we chat for a bit about how much we'll miss each other and what not, then we decide to get some sleep. A little bit later, I wake up and have to pee. In my barely-awake state of mind, I forget that the mattress is pretty much right in between my bed and the bedroom door, so I proceed as usual. Suddenly, I encounter the mattress and trip and fall. I take a second to come to and contemplate the mysterious appearance of a goddamn mattress on my floor. I then remember that my best friend had slept over. No problem. But something is amiss. I notice that my right hand seems to have landed in some sort of icky, gooey substance. "What the fuck?" I muse out loud. I then hear my friend's voice: "Um, dude...I'm pretty sure you just landed in jizz." Turns out my friend had just completed a semi-drunken masturbation session and had not had time to clean himself off. I stood up, turned on the light, and realized that not only had I landed on his bare-ass naked body, my hand had in fact landed directly in a puddle of his manjuice, which was presently dripping in between my fingers. We both shared an awkward bro laugh about the incident, then agreed to never speak of it again.
TL;DR: I woke up in the middle of the night, tripped, and landed on my naked best friend and his jizz.
HB24: High five?
[deleted]: High five accepted
TheDemonClown: Uh...you mind going to the bathroom & washing off first?
[deleted]: Nah, just go with it bro. It's only gay if the balls touch.
SilverDoe: You mean it's only gay if you make eye contact.
[deleted]: It's only gay if the balls make eye contact.
SilverDoe: [GASP](http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-T4fQEMXU9sU/TzVO_-5QsiI/AAAAAAAAWP4/IobvhDeQW10/s1600/IMG_1722-2.jpg)
nmork: Risky click of the day...not even sure why I wanted to open that.
Calymos: because it was blue, man. because it was blue.
| 10 | 102.4 | |
1376794489 | 1376982236 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | BrokenCondom420: TIFU by trying to smoke in my room
This happened this afternoon. I smoke cigarettes and still being under 18 I have to hide it from my parents. So what I usually do is just blow the smoke out of the window in my room that my AC is in. So I'm just sitting there giving myself cancer when I hear a frenzied knocking at my door.
Apparently my neighbor saw the smoke and thought it was my AC. Being the helpful guy that he is he went over to tell us. My dad then went to look at my AC and saw the cigarette butts in the window.
He hasn't said a word to me since.
because-racecar: Why the FUCK are you smoking cigarettes if you're under 18?
You have heard of something called marijuana, right?
swansonian: >Why the FUCK are you smoking cigarettes ~~if you're under 18~~?
FTFY
TheDoc42: >Why the FUCK are you smoking cigarettes
There yah go
| 4 | 8.75 | |
1376798376 | 1376956090 | null | t5_2to41 | 144 | the-derpinator: TIFU by getting an after-sex snack.
Basically, it was about 2 in the afternoon on a lazy sunday afternoon. Me and my girlfriend were going at it like rabbits at my parents house (staying for a week or two.) I decided to go get myself something from the fridge for we had been too "busy" to eat lunch. When I walked out to the kitchen, adjoined to the living room, I was greeted by a middle aged man and his 3 6 or so year old children. They were buying our pet guinea pig. The children tuned their attention from the stupid little animal just long enough for them to see my penis flapping as I ran down to my room. Me and my girlfriend are held up there now, waiting for a chance to escape.
[deleted]: Why did you think it was a good idea to walk out naked in the middle of the day?
the-derpinator: No-one was home, and it was a home in the suburbs; so I didn't expect anyone to be there to see.
undeniableturnip: If no one was home, who let the guy in?
the-derpinator: Let me rephrase. I thought no one was home. My mum had returned home early because the guy had to be somewhere and his kids really wanted it that day.
imnotarapperok: One more question. How was it 2 in the afternoon on a Sunday morning?
BrandonMeilleur: I think that when one wakes up late in the day, morning takes on a relative definition.
| 7 | 20.571429 | |
1376791078 | 1376838549 | null | t5_2to41 | 41 | CombustibleA1: TIFU by tripping the alarm at work.
First off, where I work, we (2 closers) must put in an alarm code into the security panel just before we leave for the day. The alarm gives us 70 seconds to exit the building (plenty of time, right?) before it rings the blaring loud and obnoxious alarm, while simultaneously contacting the alarm company, police, and my manager. Well, just before we were about to leave, with 35 seconds left, I realized my coworker forgot to print the weekly labor reports, which are required for payroll. Needless to say, this took longer than 35 seconds. As he was printing them, I wondered, "What happens when the countdown reaches zero?" We soon found out when the alarm deafened us, the phone started ringing, and a police car showed up in front of the restaurant. We had to explain to the police, alarm company, and my manager what happened. This took about 45 minutes for this painfully slow process. My manager was very pissed off at us, and now does not trust us to close. I expect the worst shifts for the next few weeks.
PixelOrange: Why didn't you just set the alarm, deactivate it, and then set it again when you were ready to leave?
CombustibleA1: Because our system is outdated and there is *no* deactivating.
PixelOrange: Then how do you turn it off in the morning to open the place?
CombustibleA1: It disarms when the door is unlocked with the key.
| 5 | 8.2 | |
1376805984 | 1376845316 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | [deleted]: TIFU, my apartment complex just watched me jerk the gherkin.
It's saturday night, and I'm chilling on my living room couch browsing reddit when I feel the need. Long story short, as soon as I stand up to clean spooge off my chest, I realize my blinds are open. My first floor apartment has a window that looks out on the sidewalk everyone entering or leaving the complex walks on. God damnit. Tonight I fucked up.
[deleted]: Why the hell are you cumming on your fucking chest?
hxcrichard: Maybe he was laying down, and his weiner exploded atraight up. Those things get some power man, how do you think facials that tge guy is like 2 feet away work?
| 3 | 10.666667 | |
1376805245 | 1376849670 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | GrumblesFTW: TIFU by throwing away a blood-covered glove.
So my best friend's place needed to have the insulation replaced in their attic. As payment for said job, his mom paid me and my two friends with Rammstein pit tickets. So far, awesome.
We go to the concert and it is one of the best concerts any of us have ever been to. They go into Mein Teil and Till is covered in blood and in full on butcher's garb. The song ends and we are rocking our faces off. The next song starts and people start throwing things into the audience from the front (I'm assuming that it's the fans throwing random things they brought).
I then see a black dot fly into the air coming straight in my direction and I catch it like any good fan would. Now, to me the thing that landed in my hands feels like (and don't ask my why i though of this) a plastic bag filled with poop. I then proceed to throw it behind me in surprise and disgust. Then the flames come up from the stage and light up the room so I can now see my hands covered in fake blood and I realize that I have just thrown away Till's knotted up, blood covered, butchers glove. I then proceed to fall to my knees in despair and chalk that moment up to one of the most regretted moments of my entire life; right behind my crazy ex girlfriend.
TLDR: I threw away a blood covered glove at a Rammstein concert that was being worn by Till thinking it was a bag of poo.
metamaxwell: I'm saddened by this. Upon seeing the title I expected to be regaled with an epic involving suspicious neighbors, police breaking down doors, and how you are posting this from a police station as the prime suspect in your towns recent rash of glove related murders.
GrumblesFTW: I am sorry for your great disappointment. I will try to fuck up harder next time.
| 3 | 3 | |
1376818517 | 1377021467 | null | t5_2to41 | 198 | Knugs: TIFU By getting a boner in front of the face of a nurse after shitting the bed
First post here, but I've been browsing around this subreddit for a long time laughing at other people's misfortunes... Oh how silly of me.
The story begins in Thailand where I enjoyed my holiday until I was infected with Typhoid fever which apparently is caused by ingesting someone else's fecal matter. And that's not even the worst part. So after someone handled my food with their poo hands and contracting Typhoid fever I end up in hospital in Ayutthaya. The hospital is actually really nice and is like a 4 star hotel with it's own kitchen and double beds. Throughout the illness I was basically weak as shit and could barely keep my eyes open without enduring a headache so I slept most of the time. Apparently typhoid also causes dysfunctional bowels and so in my sleep I shit the bed and I call a nurse. At this point I could barely walk from being so weak after throwing up so much, so the nurses there took care of me. I was taken into a room where a couple of particularly attractive looking nurses strip my down to my birthday suit and started wiping away all the shit stains from my legs and ass.
Now here is the fuck up.
As one of the nurses started cleaning out my asshole it just kinda well... felt good. You know the feeling when you do something yourself it just doesn't have as much satisfaction when someone else does something for you? It was kinda like having someone scratch your back. Well that was me, I've never had someone wipe my ass before and I felt great. Before I knew it I could feel the blood pumping into my member as I just thought to myself "no, please no". By that time one of the nurses took notice of my excited dong and let out a yelp to alarm the others, and they all proceeded to quickly evacuate the room except for one who quickly finished wiping me down and toweled me.
Let's just say after that the rest of the 3 days I stayed at the hospital I got some pretty funny / disgusted looks from the nurses there.
Malemansam: I like how one of the nurses stayed, she was probably like...
"I will take on this honour for country and tame mighty Americans dragon!"
lshabowco: Okay, now I can never think of a dick as anything but a "mighty dragon" again.
lacrimaeveneris: I am Thai, and will be going home and referring to my husband's penis as his mighty dragon tonight. I am hoping for hijinks.
| 4 | 49.5 | |
1376814796 | 1377047232 | null | t5_2to41 | 67 | [deleted]: TIFU by drinking a bottle of champagne at a non-alcoholic birthday party.
I got drunk at a small 18th birthday last night; it was a non-alcoholic event and there were only 8 people because 18 couldn't get their costumes together in time (Wizard of Oz themed).
I drank a bottle of champagne in under 10 minutes and (being only 17 years old) I threw up all over the place. Drunk me had the courtesy to go outside first, however.
I got kicked out, and my friend's father (whom I have never met before) drove me home two hours into the party.
I was drinking because my ex-girlfriend (having broken up last week) was there and was in her element, and I am a slight introvert sometimes. This saddened me immensely, seeing her in such a joyous way. I drank because I thought it would cheer me up and make me more sociable. Instead, I made a fool of myself, demolished my chances of getting back together with her, and ruined my friend's birthday.
I have never drank with friends before, so this was a new experience to me.
My friend's folks were very pissed at me last night, so this morning I went and bought a bunch of flowers and left them with their older son (they weren't home) and apologized profusely regarding my actions.
Fortunately, I had no hangover, as a very good friend of mine was pushing me cups of water after he realised how much I drank. I pissed like a horse this morning, but I had no hangover.
Now I have school in 15 hours, and have no idea how I am going to survive this. My ex probably hates me, my friends are probably ashamed to know me and everyone else now know what happened.
I went as Toto, and my costume was a Onesie, like in the show Wilfred. Can you imagine a 17 year-old dressed up as Wilfred, drinking a whole bottle of champagne, dancing like a flashbanged spastic and then hurling his guts up while his sober peers looked on?
EDIT: Also, did I mention that wasn't even my champagne? My friend (whose party it was) gave me a glass, then another, then my ex helped herself to a lot, then I finished the bottle and got right into the next one when it was opened.
So much for an alcohol-free event, I guess.
MrMir: I'm so sorry for you. It'll be alright soon enough.
P.s. The flashbanged spastic made me laugh a little.
[deleted]: I felt a little bad for saying it ahaha
iceickle: This is definitely the kind of story you'll tell friends later in life and have a laugh about it. It you lose any friends/chances with ex-gf over it, then you've saved yourself plenty of time as they aren't good friends in the first place!
Source: life experience
[deleted]: This actually makes me feel a lot better. Thank you, stranger :)
The_Hosecloth: As a kid just starting college soon, this guy is right. I threw a party where one of my friends did damn near what you did. To this day she's still one if my best friends, and we now talk about it as a "Man, do you remember that one time?" moment.
And the girl? Forget about it. Seriously. You'll look back in a semester and say "What the fuck was I thinking?" We all have these moments, brother. Just apologize to the people you affected and move on. And the person that kept slipping you water? He/she is a bro. Keep them close, my man.
[deleted]: Yeah, I've been a real bitch about our breakup, and I'm already looking back like that now.
As for the guy who brang me the water, him and I go back to the first day of school when we were 5. He's my best friend; he's like my brother.
DaBahoo: He is a top bloke.
| 8 | 8.375 | |
1376799398 | 1377017730 | null | t5_2to41 | 52 | feather0306: TIFU By picking up my (18f) room and coming across something left behind by my little brother of 14.
So I was cleaning the room a bit before we went to sleep and my younger sister told me that she felt something kinda wet on the ground. So I went to it and I only saw my brothers comic book full of pictures of half-naked woman all over in it.
When I grabbed it, I immediately knew what it was. My younger, pubescent brother who jizzed on a comic last night. It was so gross.
Senamage: Why was he jerking it in your room?
feather0306: I have no idea :( I mean... He doesn't really have a bedroom to himself. Just, space in the garage; where he sleeps. But we (me, my little sister, my mom and my grandma) go out to the garage a ton to smoke weed, listen to music and relax. So he doesn't go out there too much. But yeah... my room.
Grumpometer: So he doesn't have his own room, but the entire rest of the family regularly hits up what little space he does have - in the garage, no less - to smoke and hang out. Sound like he's not invited to these sessions, either - although as he's 14 arguably he's a little bit young to be making sound decisions about recretional drugs anyway.
Een though it's not cool for him to leave a book in your room in that, err... condition, it doesn't seem like the kid has it too easy.
feather0306: Oh no, he's invited. Well by me and my younger sister. He chooses not to; I've told him I'm proud of him for his decision. But like I told the other guy, he knows better. And, he's fine, really. I mean none of us have it easy. I'm sharing my room with my sister and my mom. It's a small room.
The garage has two parts to it. Levi chooses not to use the garage. He doesn't like feeling isolated out in the garage. He gets lonely, I guess. But he certainly knows that leaving that around, is not okay. He has a way to take care of that. He is not helpless.
Grumpometer: Sounds like you guys love & care for each other. Anything else life throws your way should be so much easier to deal with within that framework. I wouldn't have commented at all, but from the extremely limited perspective of someone reading your OP it seemed like your brother had it tough compared to the rest of the family (although I now don't think that's the case at all). No judgement here, FWIW.
feather0306: Hey, it's totally okay. I understand where you were coming from. No harm. But uh, what's FWIW?
Grumpometer: FWIW, FWIW stands for "For What It's Worth".
feather0306: Oh, okay. Thanks. :)
| 9 | 5.777778 | |
1376826767 | 1378753116 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,523 | CryingCarrot: TIFU by trying to be productive while very very stoned
It all started innocent enough; I was hanging out with the roommates, smoking, enjoying myself. After getting to what felt like a [7] I got a very unexpected burst of energy. I decided that I was going to be productive.
As I'm standing in my hallway, I'm trying to remember what needs to be done but instead my eyes kept focused on the phallic shaped dent in the wall. So, like any sane person, I began giggling and like any person as high as I was, I forgot to swallow my spit. I snapped out of my dick dent trance in time to stop myself from drooling. I said "high five" out loud in an effort to high five myself which actually confused me. The encouragement felt nice though. This is the moment I realized that I may have exceeded the traditional 1-10 scale of intoxication. I was at a [10+]. I had momentary reservation about going through with the productivity but decided to YOLO the fuck out and do some laundry.
Now, our laundry room is shared between a few apartments on our block. There is one washer and one dryer inside. So I take off all my sheets and fill my laundry basket with sheets and bras and shit. You know, laundry type shit.
I was incredibly slow paced but successful nonetheless at the first few loads.
The last load of laundry is what triggered some very unexpected events. I went to put the last load into the dryer and I notice that I had washed the entire box of 100 dryer sheets in the washing machine right on top of all the aforementioned laundry shit. I did my best to fix the situation.
I'd like to take a moment to say that the soaked dryer sheets smelled heavenly. It was like lavender and fresh rain made sweet love and their jizz consisted of wet cardboard fragments. I was okay with this.
As my yoloing continued, I threw the laundry shit into the dryer, paid the machine, pressed start and headed back to smoke a little more. An hour later I go back to discover that the lavender/fresh rain cardboard fragment jizz is incredibly flammable. The dryer is smoking and I decide that I don't want to yolo ever again. I grab my shit from the dryer and get into my apartment.
We do not live in the nicest part of town. At all. We live in what has been deemed "the ghetto" by some. Quite literally in the middle of black gang and Hispanic gang territory (they are a violent group of frenemies).
I can hear my neighbors near the laundry room yelling, "what dumb ass nigga put mother fucking cardboard boxes in this bitch"
*I was the dumbass nigga.*
Another voice shouts "GOD DAMN JUAN WE KNOW IT WAS YOU NIGGA WHERE THE FUCK YOU AT"
*It wasn't Juan. It was me.*
I hear Juan shout a few racist insults. More and more people begin showing up, it gets louder. People are yelling at each other about who the fuck tried to wash and dry an entire cardboard box.
I decide to go fold laundry in the farthest part of my apartment with my basket full of sheets, bras and burnt cardboard.
A few moments later, a fight broke out. The police were called. Nobody was hurt. I put my clean sheets on and watched reruns of Its Always Sunny trying to forget about how everything was my fault and now our block has no working laundry room.
TL;DR Had a few marijuanas, YOLOed, almost caused a race war
LSatyreD: > I'd like to take a moment to say that the soaked dryer sheets smelled heavenly. It was like lavender and fresh rain made sweet love and their jizz consisted of wet cardboard fragments. I was okay with this.
Will you move to California and proceed to marry me?
CryingCarrot: Already here neighbor
OLDDAZE: please tell me this happened in LA, as someone who lives in LA and shares a laundry room it makes it a million times funnier
CryingCarrot: Yes.
OLDDAZE: Which area are you calling 'the ghetto'? Not the streets or anything creepy like that, just the neighborhood.
CryingCarrot: At the risk of giving away too much information, it's that one area in Los Angeles with all the black people and Mexican people who hate each other..
OLDDAZE: Paranoid! It's not like someone saying they live in Silver Lake is gonna get them stalked or something. I'm living in LA for the summer so I was curious about the neighborhoods people consider ghetto. Somewhere east of the 5 or south of the 10 is what I was guessing
LucRSV: Native angelino, the ghetto in my eyes is like, Compton, inglewood, that area by USC, etc.
To be honest I wouldn't know, I don't get out much and I live on the coast.
agent-99: check out the fox hills mall! wait, it's been gentrified, it's a "westfield shopping center" now. nope, not even in "fox hills" they claim it's "culver city" now! wtff??? they did not move it.
LucRSV: that's right by ladera heights right? I have a friend who lives over there, scariest story of my life happened there.
Were driving to his house to pick up his little brother when we pass by a house with two cop cars out front. No big deal, there's a school across the street so they're probably standard security, we think. Then we see the cops, 4 of them with tasers drawn, standing against the wall of this house. We notice another 2 cops, pistols drawn in a primary position in front of the houses door. Lastly we see a cop with a shotgun hiding behind a tree.
Now, the rational response would be to get the hell away from this house, but instead my friend PARKS HIS CAR to watch. A couple minutes go by after the cops go into the house and we expect to hear "pop" and think "ah yeah, justice!" or something like that. We're parked around the corner from the house so that its back gate is still visible, and so are the squad cars, but the gate the cops used is not visible. Suddenly, this guy bursts out the back gate at full speed, notices our car and runs right toward us. I'm screaming. of course, "DRIVE DRIVE DRIVE DRIVE DRIVE DRIVE", and my friend panics, puts the car in drive and floors it. When we passed by the house we noticed that the cops weren't chasin him so we might have been needlessly worried but, still fucking terrifying.
We'd always joked about how we'd die in that friends car, but we never expected to be stationary.
| 11 | 138.454545 | |
1376839329 | 1377113979 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | Ethinyl: TIFU by letting my internal issues ruining a good sexnight
The thing is, i have always been insanely insecure about my naked body. I'm not the most thin girl, but not really fat either but i just hate the way it looks without clothes.
I've been meeting up with this cute guy for a week now and every time i acted hard-to-get and the good girl who doesn't want sex on the first couple of dates.
But the truth is, is that i am just to scared for him to see me naked, because he has this amazing body and will probably be disgusted with it, just as much as i am. But tonight when i played the 'i'm really tired, i should go' part, he got a little mad and left immediately, without saying a word. And i am absolutely sure i will never see him again because he will have a new girl within days. But i really did wanted to have sex with him, i did. But when the moment came i was just too afraid.
And no, i cannot tell him this. I don't know him well enough to tell him these kind of personal things.
Basically i fucked up the only sexy-week i had in years.
because-racecar: Fuck I hate girls like you.
flying_phish: Why? Oh, sorry. Didn't see your username at first.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1376844076 | 1376852831 | null | t5_2to41 | 30 | 1potato2potato3: TIFU; I broke my hand with a potato and spoon.
It happened a few weeks ago, I just discovered this thread. I already posted the story /r/casualIama. So what happened a friend of mine told me that if you put a potato on your arm overnight and then the next morning you tap the area with a spoon you arm will break. I called bullshit, then a few date later curiosity got the better of me. I cut some red potatoes in slices and put them in a sock and slept with my hand in there. The next morning I tapped my hand and it resulted in a broken bone. (See the original post for details-can someone please post a link, I am on Kindle Fire and I can't copy and paste and it's taking forever to type this with one hand in a cast). Thanks. And do not try this at home.
pesh527: Xrays?
1potato2potato3: Yes they took x-rays at the ER. The took 3 different ones with my hand in different poses.
Koroviev66: [I think they mean "can you post the xrays?"]
pesh527: Thank you. I'm a scientist and I want to call bullshit but I can't without examining evidence.
1potato2potato3: Even if I posted the x-ray it will only show proof that I have a broken Capitate bone in my left hand. The x-ray will not prove or disprove the cause. If you're a scientist I suggest you try it in yourself and have several friends try it. You might also want to have someone tap their hand with a spoon without the overnight potato.
pesh527: You can't really prove anything in science. Only in math is anything ever "proven." science can gather evidence to support a particular hypothesis, however.
If you were able to provide xrays to support your story, it helps.
I really have a hard time believing this but I suppose it's within the realm of possibility that some compound in the potato was absorbed into your hand, weakening the bone. But I find it highly unlikely it could happen on such a short time scale.
Also, this is a small sample size.
| 7 | 4.285714 | |
1376843658 | 1377054336 | null | t5_2to41 | 56 | throwitawaynow342: tifu by not going to the toilet for 5 days
The story starts with me visiting a 5-day festival over the weekend.
The toilets there were really gross so i decided not to poo in them at all but hold it till i would get home. As soon as the festival was over and i sat at my throne at home i started pressing.
I never witnessedor experienced childbirth but I'm sure it can't be much harder than the twenty minutes I released this demon into the world.
After i was finished i looked down in the bowl and saw a really big sausage divided in 4 sections:
3 of them hard and in varios colours and the last part was nearly fluent.It was disgusting so i flushed but the toilet was clogged so the water rose.
In panic I flushed again and brown water swept over the rim of the bowl.
I tried the plunger but it only got worse so in my final attempt I stuck my arm up to the shoulder in the brown fluid.
The disgusting water spilled all over my hand and clothes but i managed to unclogg the toilet.
Now i have to clean my floor my trousers and my shirt and can't go to sleep after an exhausting weekend.(Sorry for spelling and grammar )
1potato2potato3: Should have gone to somewhere like Lowe's to unleash the beast. They are usually clean and you don't have to worry about clogging. I'd leave without flushing just to b safe.
pooptits1: whenever i go to any hardware store, i dont flush. i want other men to look at that and be like damn, that guy. what a stallion
allison_sprinkles: This. Yes.
| 4 | 14 | |
1376854086 | 1376957533 | null | t5_2to41 | 176 | Supinejellies: TIFU by streaming porn to my parents TV while they were watching Netflix.
I'm home from college for my dad's birthday weekend and I bought him Apple TV, which allows you to watch netflix, itunes stuff, and livestream your ipad/iphone/laptop.
There is an inconspicuous button near the play button on my ipad (when it plays videos) that will start livestreaming whatever is on there to the TV, and it will kick off Netflix or even another computer currently streaming. I'm not sure if the button was on by default from the last time I had my ipad on or if I turned it on on accident, but it was lit up when I was about 2 minutes into my porn video. Needless to say my parents were not pleased when their Breaking Bad turned into a MILF porno and I am refusing to go downstairs for the remainder of the day. Cheers
Maelyn717: But really... a show about sex or a show about drugs.... which one should be more socially acceptable? ;-)
Vato_Loco: I see the point you're making but porn is not a show.
Maelyn717: Sure it is.
| 4 | 44 | |
1376852753 | 1376921139 | null | t5_2to41 | 65 | joshguillen: TIFU by casually comparing a stranger's breasts in front of her and her boyfriend.
We've all had those "Well, it sounded fine at the time..." moments, and just a few short months ago, the time had come for me to add another rather memorable incident to that list.
I live in an medium sized apartment complex fairly close to my college campus, and my roommate frequently has people over from his fraternity. On this particular Friday night, it was a "smaller" group (of about ten to fifteen people) that were over to have a good time. It was a typical get together: blaring music, snacks, and many, *many* drinks. And after a couple hours of raging (at about two in the morning), the group had opted to head up to the roof to take a break from partying.
Now, this is where I come in. I'm not a frat guy nor a "partier", but I was also no stranger to the party scene. I can hold my own in conversation and dress just fine. And on this night, I had decided that I might as well get some fresh air and break out both my room and my shell for once. *Maybe I can meet some new people, they seem pretty cool to me,* I thought. *What could go wrong?* So I optimistically join the group and head up to the roof, with the purpose of enjoying the Austin skyline on a cozy Texas summer night with some new friendly faces. That sentiment wouldn't last long.
We head up the elevator, walk to the center of the roof and sit in a large circle. The group begins talking about this and that, mostly about personal topics that I couldn't really chime in on. As I observe the inebriated and rather spacey group, I suddenly catch a guy playfully poking the breast of the girl next to him, like one would play with a small kitten. She had been drinking, so she didn't mind much. He continued to play with her breast, and then loudly and deliberately asked "Is.. is your right one bigger than your left one?" She briefly thought it over before slowly replying, "No... they're the same, aren't they? Is one of them bigger?"
Now just hours before, I had read a [TIL about how your left breast is generally bigger than your right breast because of its proximity to the heart.](http://www.reddit.com/r/todayilearned/comments/1deo9k/til_your_left_boob_is_usually_bigger_than_the/) So what better time to share this piece of information than two in morning with a bunch of intoxicated strangers? *Why, there's no better time!*, I apparently thought, because without missing a beat, I suddenly looked her square in the eyes and declared: "It's definitely your left one."
This made the group instantly quiet for the first time the entire night. But before I could get out my follow-up statement, about how I was speaking from memory rather than with my dick, the group loudly reacted in an variety of ways, including "What the hell?", drunken hysterical laughter, and finally, my roommate leaning over and whispering "The guy poking her is her boyfriend."
Through the ensuing wave of noise and stares a manage to blurt out "It's because of the heart, it's a science thing!", which served as trying to put a bandaid over my socially sliced jugular. I just continued to sit there like a statue, trying to sink into the floor while simultaneously avoiding the drunken laser stare from the boyfriend I felt from my peripherals. He was not amused by my antics nor my little follow-up, and he was certainly in no condition to be reasoned with, either. To make things even better, he was easily one hundred pounds heavier than myself. So, when after a couple of moments he started to approach me, I quickly responded by saying to the group "I'm going to hit the bathroom." Which consisted of me going back to my room in my apartment and not coming out until the morning, and consequently vowing to somehow convince them that I wasn't a creeper, stalker or a rapist.
I haven't seen any of them since.
**tl;dr edit: Almost got pulverized and by a massive drunken boyfriend thanks to a TIL.**
Jchamberlainhome: You really needed a fuckin' tl,dr for this mother fucker. Here it reads "told a chick one titty was bigger than the other in front of her boyfriend".
joshguillen: Yeah, I kinda figured. I've never talked about it since then, but it felt a bit alleviating to put it into words and relive it. And if the boyfriend is a Redditor and reading this... my bad.
AInterestingUser: He's got a girlfriend that lets him play with her boobs.
Chances of being on here, slim.
joshguillen: A valid point.
| 5 | 13 | |
1376859413 | 1376882322 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | emerquS: TIFU by cutting my own hair.
So I woke up this morning to a mediocre sunday, a regular 18 disappointing teen like usual. Took a shower, got out and said my hairs getting pretty long but idk whatever. After two pretty dynamic howto 101 videos, Im thinkin this shit is easy i just want a crew cut something simple. Soon after 10 minutes of constant buzzing and back and forth. My head looked like half a cut lawn, so continuing. The power cuts off in some twisted movie type shit so i look and nothing. My parents come home and bust out laughing at my not funny humor attempt. "The power wont be on until tomorrow" so now im half haired oh and tomorrow's the first day of school.
nitrocrime: You down-voted yourself? Also why cut your own hair? That's a fuck up on it's own if you don't know what you're doing.
HorriBliss: I assume he *shaved* his own hair which is a lot easier than cutting it with scissors.
But yeah, maybe best not to do that shit the day before school.
| 3 | 11.333333 | |
1376867476 | 1376939481 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,324 | Nuke-The-Whales: TIFU by turning on the fan during sex.
I awoke this morning to feel the guy I'm seeing pushing up behind me, indicating it was time for some morning sex.
His A/C wasn't working, so it had become extremely stuffy and hot overnight. I decide to turn the fan on HIGH, and proceed to jump on top. Bad idea.
NSFW details aside, while on top of him I begin to feel uncomfortable as I go through the motions. I realize about half-way in that the fan blowing on high is blowing DIRECTLY onto where our body's intertwined.
The combination of wetness, air and the up-and-down motion starts making a few sounds here and there. I shrug it off, and continue. At this point, I can REALLY feel the air being pumped up me, so I suggest we switch to doggy.
This is where I regret turning on that machine sent from the devil. He gets behind me, and the blowing air somehow makes me feel even worse from this position.
Suddenly, what sounds like a massive trumpet note blares from my vagina. He keeps going, but I could tell he hesitated a second.
Now, being the class-act that I am, I find this noise absolutely hilarious. I try to hold in the laughter as he is about to finish. He pulls out, and I can hold it no longer -- I begin to laugh out loud.
With each incessant exhale of laughter from my mouth comes an equally loud exhale of air from my vagina. I laugh harder as the "quieffs" get louder and louder.
I kid you not when I say that I laughed for a solid 45 seconds straight while my vagina made uncontrollable, extremely loud farting sounds.
This wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't been the only one who found this amusing . . .
Cue the awkward tension as I try with all my might to stop the laughter and thus stop the morbid sounds escaping my vagina.
Needless to say, we finish up, and lay in utter awkward silence until I finally manage to say, "well, I should head out."
**TL/DR - Turned a fan on "high" during sex, air was pumped into my vagina, quieffed a few times, died of laughter, thus causing louder and uncontrollable noises to escape my vagina**
AleWyf: Men who can't hand quieffing need to grow up and just be happy they're getting laid :-p
dj_bizarro: Stop putting the pussy on a pedestal bro.
kawaiiassbutthole: if you're pushing air into a vag, its going to come out. not like its a fart or anything. though if i farted during sex, i'd probably start laughing too.
Grumpy-Brewer: Done it. It was an accident and hilarious. My ex bf did not find it so funny. It was only a little "phhreep" and was not smelly. He was highly unamused.
mystik3309: The "phhreep" got me I won't lie. Interesting choice of letters strung together to try and put a word to the sound of a fart.
I_Can_Haz_Brainz: The word you were looking for there is onomatopoeia. It's fun to say, too!
mystik3309: I'd rather say phhreep.......sorry.
I_Can_Haz_Brainz: /facepalm o_O
> Interesting choice of letters strung together to try and put a word to the sound
That's pretty much the definition of onomatopoeia.
mystik3309: Yeaaaaaah.....well I know what onomatopoeia is. I took third grade English. Just because I didn't phrase it the way you wanted me to doesn't mean you gotta thump your thesaurus. Damn, you REALLY DO like to say that word, don't you?
I_Can_Haz_Brainz: onomatopoeia onomatopoeia onomatopoeia onomatopoeia onomatopoeia onomatopoeia onomatopoeia onomatopoeia onomatopoeia onomatopoeia onomatopoeia onomatopoeia onomatopoeia onomatopoeia onomatopoeia onomatopoeia onomatopoeia onomatopoeia onomatopoeia onomatopoeia onomatopoeia onomatopoeia onomatopoeia onomatopoeia onomatopoeia onomatopoeia onomatopoeia onomatopoeia onomatopoeia bitch
| 11 | 120.363636 | |
1376870981 | 1376875627 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to bypass the speed governor on my gas golf cart.
Ok, so I live in a small gated community in the Sacramento area where everyone just uses a golf cart to drive around the neighborhood. I have a gas powered club car that only goes a boring 12 MPH. So I wanted to speed it up. So I do some stuff to bypass the speed governor and it actually worked...for about 45 seconds I was hauling ass at about 30 MPH (which is really fast for a golf cart) then a series of weird noises struck and the cart backfired and died. I pushed it back to my house and will no longer run. I'm currently waiting for the interrogation from my parents and a lot of grounding.
TL;DR: Broke golf cart, waiting for punishment from parents.
friedjumboshrimp: Can you describe the noise?
redditslave: It sounded like a belt maybe came loose or something of the sort
friedjumboshrimp: Sounds like an easy fix, they have pretty simple engines.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1376875144 | 1376940424 | null | t5_2to41 | -21 | [deleted]: TIFU by joining a fantasy football league.
I don't watch football. I know nothing about it. But my cousin wanted me to join his fantasy league so he'd have an even amount of teams. So I did join. And I have no idea what I'm doing. I told everyone I would just pick whoever they wanted me to and then trade later, but they all got upset and told me to just keep my team and not be a downer. What have I gotten myself into?
inevitabled34th: When you say football, are you talking about ACTUAL football, or that sweaty, wussy, gay version that us Americans play?
Ransora: ACTUAL football is the american football. Way harder than rugby or soccer
Hxtra: As an American I can definitely say that rugby seems significant more difficult than American football.
| 4 | -5.25 | |
1376876386 | 1376960170 | null | t5_2to41 | 41 | siddardhab: TIFU by thinking that a loaded BB gun was empty.
And I was messing around with it and I accidentally shot my Roommate's 42 inch LED TV.
Now it has a 1 inch white bars originating from the point of impact.
Roommate is pissed and I now have to pay a technician to estimate the cost of repair and possibly buy a brand new TV.
To afford all these costs,I may have to sell some of my stuff.
Oh and did I forget to mention that tomorrow is my fucking Birthday?
msxenix: ALWAYS ASSUME A FIREARM IS LOADED!!!!!!!!!!
Caps lock because of it's importance.
forgiven72: technically a bb gun isn't a firearm, but i digress, it's still a weapon and should be treated as such.
msxenix: I googled it up and you're right. TIL a BB gun is not a firearm. ^upvotes
forgiven72: not a problem! just spreading knowledge.
| 5 | 8.2 | |
1376886341 | 1376994462 | null | t5_2to41 | 36 | the420chick: TIFU by not learning the first rule of jalapenos
My boyfriend and i were making salsa. I was cutting 6 fresh jalapenos. After I was done cutting all of them, my ear felt like it was on fire and I didn't know why so i went to take a nice cold shower. I was rubbing my eyes and my vagina and then all of a sudden my eyes and vagina felt like it was on fire too just like my ear was. I was wondering why this was happening and my first conclusion was the jalapenos. I freaked out and my boyfriend came in the bathroom. I was crying and i told him that my eyes and vagina were burning and that it was because of the jalapenos. He told me that I wasn't suppose to touch any part of my face or body after cutting jalapenos or hot peppers (this was my first time ever cutting jalapenos). So then my boyfriend looked up online to see how i could get rid of this burning sensation. He told me milk or dairy products would help so the whole time while i was showering with freezing water he was pouring milk on my face and vagina and he also used rice. after the burning sensation stopped i felt relieved but then later the tips of my fingers felt like they were on fire and i thought it would go away soon. after a couple of hours my fingers still felt like they were on fire and i started to worry so i googled why my fingers were burning and i found out that a lot of people have experienced this from cutting jalapenos or hot peppers and that it was most common allergic reaction. People have said that this burning sensation would last about 3 or 5 hours. Nope my fingers stopped feeling this burning sensation after 18 hours. I only had 2 hours of sleep that night. I learned a lesson. So from now on im never cutting jalapenos ever again.
vidvicious: At least they weren't habaneros.
OneRandomDude: Or jolokias
| 3 | 12 | |
1376914215 | 1376995341 | null | t5_2to41 | 194 | fuckwagon: TIFU by drinking Sunny D.
I love Sunny D. It's sweeter than orange juice and reminds me of being a younger child. I decided to pick some up from the store, and I proceeded to drink it all in that day. (But not at one time)
Shortly after, I got awful stomach pains after I finished the jug and proceeded to throw up.
I love Sunny D soo much, that two or three weeks later I bought some more at the store, thinking the last time I drank it and got sick was from something unrelated, and proceeded it drink it all in the same day again. After everybody had went to sleep and I was laying in bed, the same awful stomach pains returned and I proceeded to violently throw up on the floor and my bed.
**TLDR:** I love sunny d, but it's bad.
RightReverendJA: Maybe have a glass of SunnyD instead of a gallon?
Too much of a good thing, eh?
fuckwagon: Well, I'd drink a glass. A few minutes later, I'm thirsty so I'd drink another glass.
Repeat until sick.
jaberwocky69: *Sigh* Water is for thirst. Juice, sodas, beer, etc is for fun. Recap: when thirsty, drink water.
fuckwagon: Okay, super arrogant comment you got there; but I wanted Sunny D, so I drank Sunny D.
NaljunForgotPassword: but what the dude is saying is that your body tells you it is thirsty because it requires water to help process/filter stuff in your body, like soda, food, and sunny D.
fuckwagon: Well, it's my body and I'm going to eat/drink what I want to; so the dude didn't have to be a douche about it.
Although I do respect him/her for correcting me.
NaljunForgotPassword: oh I agree. I was just clarifying what he or she was trying to say, even if it wasn't in the most diplomatic way.
| 8 | 24.25 | |
1376943504 | 1376953065 | t3_1ko13d | t5_2to41 | 1 | tehfishman: he mad
TylerDurdenisreal: I'm so glad school starts again in just a few days.
CreepLife22: You called someone a "newfag", yet YOU can't wait until these "kids" go back to school? Sounds like you're the immature one here...
TylerDurdenisreal: Yes, totally, *faggot.*
CreepLife22: Since you seem to be extremely mature, explain to us what the term "faggot" means? I'm a heterosexual male who has gay family members and friends. Would love to know why you choose that word as an insult?
TylerDurdenisreal: I'm also a heterosexual male who has gay family members and multiple gay or bisexual friends.
To quote Louie CK, I'm not calling you a faggot because you're gay, I'm calling you a faggot because you're being a faggot.
CreepLife22: And since you wanna be the "cool guy" and quote Louis CK, maybe you should know this quote too..."It doesn't have ANY effect on your life. What do you care? People try to talk about it like it's a social issue. Like when you see someone stand up on a talk show and say 'How am I supposed to explain to my child that two men are getting married?' I dunno, it's your shitty kid, you fuckin' tell 'em. Why is that anyone else's problem? Two guys are in LOVE but they can't get married because YOU don't want to talk to your ugly child for five fuckin' minutes?" – comedian Louis CK
TylerDurdenisreal: I have gay friends, and am very much pro-gay rights. How the hell is that relevant to me, or did you just assume something based off of a single word I used?
CreepLife22: How would they feel about you calling people that as an insult then?
TylerDurdenisreal: Most of them don't care, or even use it more than I do.
| 10 | 0.1 | |
1376940566 | 1376962661 | null | t5_2to41 | 604 | ImurderREALITY: TIFU by letting myself get constipated
I know this sub has a lot of poop stories, but fuck it, here's one more. Also, fuck throwaways.
So I haven't been eating properly for the past few days. You know, lots of fast food, lots of meat and potatoes, not much green vegetables. I usually poop very day, and recently, it's been getting increasingly difficult to get it out. I knew it was because of my eating habits, but for some reason, I didn't change them. I just kept saying "At least I'm not constipated," and continuing on eating junk.
Then yesterday happened. I felt the familiar lump in my nethers that means it's time to drop one. I drop trow and get on the turlet. From there, it went something like this:
Ok. Here it comes... Oh, you're a big one, aren't you? That's okay, I'll just give it a little push. Hnngg.... Hmm. HNNGGG! ***HHNNNNGGG***
Shit.
That's when I realized the folly of my ways. Why, oh why didn't I prevent this extreme discomfort? I could have! Okay, okay... no use dwelling on it. I need to get through this. I pushed more and harder. There were times when I swear it was moving, but as soon as I would let up on the pressure, this giant basturd would nestle right back in my colon! It was way too late to change my mind about going; the brick was not going back up AT ALL. It was now or never. So I did something I have never done before and will never do again.
I looked around my bathroom. I was in my less used second bathroom, so all that was in there was turlet paper, a hand towel, and a bottle of antibacterial soap. I looked at the soap. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I pumped a bit of soap on my fingers. I worked it around between my fingers and thumb just a little. I reached behind me and felt around a little. I touched my butthole, but I didn't feel any poop. That was weird, because it felt like I had a giant rock hard turd hanging out. So I took a deep breath... and stuck a finger in. My butt was tight, but the soap helped lube it up so I could get in there. Almost instantly, I felt the basturd. It felt like a die from a board game, except twice as big. I couldn't believe I was doing this. I was feeling around inside my own butthole for shit.
I tried to wiggle the basturd loose, but it was stuck. So I went a little deeper, past the basturd, and felt even more shit! This shit was more than ready to come out, but the basturd was blocking the way! I had to get it out, but it still wasn't moving, so I stuck my thumb in there too. As of now, I had my index finger and my thumb inside my butt. It was terrible. I worked my thumb around one side of the basturd, and my finger around the other, and tried to wiggle it. It still refused to budge! So I braced myself and pulled. Remember how I said it felt like a die? Well, as it finally came out, I felt the corners of it popping past my circular rectum, and it dropped into the turlet. It was out! Hallelujah!
As soon as it came out, the rest of the shit train came barreling out behind it. I have never felt so good in my entire life. After I wiped, I tried to look for the basturd to see exactly what it looked like, and maybe take a picture, but it was gone. From that day forth, I have swore to never allow that to happen to me ever again! I will eat green vegetables every day, and even take colace capsules! My fingers still smell like poop, no matter how much I wash them.
**TL;DR** Allowed myself to become terribly constipated. Ended up lubing my fingers up with soap, sticking them up my butt, and pulling the shit out. Never again.
snugglepea: How did the soap not... burn? Or something.. ?
Rosenkrantz_: Why would it? It's not like the soap is made of pepper.
snugglepea: Tender bits tend to be sensitive to the mildest of things..
Rosenkrantz_: Oh, you'd be surprised at what an average chocolate starfish can take without much ado.
snugglepea: Ohhh ho, I know! But buttholes are wussies over the stupidest things...
Rosenkrantz_: Well, to be fair, some peppermind soaps can be too much of a literal pain in the ass...
| 7 | 86.285714 | |
1376949454 | 1376953001 | null | t5_2to41 | 70 | [deleted]: TIFU by writing a children's story about lesbian lovers.
This was not yesterday, but in 4th grade.
The teacher told us to write a fictional story about anything we wanted to. I was really into this show called W.I.T.CH at the time and the main character is a girl with the name Will. I think you can see where this is going.
Anyways, I wrote a romantic comedy featuring Will and another male character whose name I can't remember. I don't know why I didn't think anything of it. We just so happened to have parent-teacher conferences that week. My teacher showed my parents my story and asked why I would write a love story about 2 boys. I was so embarrassed and couldn't stop stuttering while trying to explain that Will was a girl. I don't think they believed me.
[This](http://imgur.com/bimLrTb) was the show.
[deleted]: Fyi lesbian lovers are typically girls.
afcagroo: Typically.
| 3 | 23.333333 | |
1376954991 | 1377016359 | null | t5_2to41 | 94 | FuckYoCooch: TIFU and Nair'ed my most delicate area
When your friends and the label on the bottle tell you not to put Nair on your puss-puss, you'd better fucking listen. You will end up straddling the bathtub faucet, running cold water on the disaster area and crying.
The hair didn’t even come off, but I'm just glad the skin is still there. I may as well have burned the fur off with a torch.
Now I'm lying in bed, pantsless, spread-eagle. I’m holding a cold washcloth over the area and sharing my embarrassing story while I wait for the flames to subside. I dread having to walk tomorrow.
THE MORAL IS never put harsh chemicals on your vag!! Or your nuts I guess if you're a dude!! It sounds obvious but I'm a dumbass and I hope I can save at least one private with my story.
Peachesx: you didn't put it on your actual fanjita did you, like flap wise..?
FuckYoCooch: On the majora and the mons. Then there was FIRE and I ran to tell the internet.
GeddyLeeIsNotMyLover: whats a mons? it sounds scary
Xandrosaurus: http://www.gynaeonline.com/images/vulva.jpg (nsfw)
pooptits1: so thats where the anus is....hmmm. well.
| 6 | 15.666667 | |
1376859654 | 1376968410 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | merchantco: TIFU by accidentally applying gel to my pubic hairs
I hate itchy, wiry pubic hairs. Having lice in your hair is one thing - but having a constant itch in your pubes? Insufferable! So that's why I always make sure to properly groom my pubic hairs - I treat them as if they're my own children, and I gently caress them whenever they want company. Surely I'm not the only one who does this...
So yesterday, right before a date with my girlfriend, I took out the shampoo and prepared myself to send the pubic hair itch back to hell where it belonged. So I generously applied the shampoo, rinsed the pubes in a hurry, and left for my date. A few minutes later, my pubes have become rock hard. It wasn't shampoo - it was gel, and my pubes were so stiff that walking was painful. My gf asked me if I was sick or something, because I was walking like a penguin who just got shot in the crotch. At the end of the date, I could barely walk home with her, and she was getting really suspicious. I asked her if I could see her next week, but she said "I don't know" (in other words, no way).
TL;DR: I accidentally applied gel instead of shampoo to my pubic hairs. Now my girlfriend won't go out with me. :'(
mattbluesman: Umm, why not just tell her? She will probably find it hilarious.
merchantco: I don't know, Matt. Some girls would find it hilarious, and some wouldn't. It's a bit of a gamble. I think I'll take the advice, though!
mattbluesman: might as well the worst thing that could happen is your in the same place you are now.
merchantco: Yeah. I'll send her a note on FB right now.
| 5 | 6.2 | |
1376962088 | 1377006478 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | batdrumman: TIFU by wearing shorts
First, you need some background info. I am helping my dad scrap the siding on the house. We are selling it for a profit , and I am helping because I am getting paid. We have it bundled up in our driveway. Some is in bundles, some are in boxes.
Anyway, I was walking through the driveway, thinking about life when my shorts caught on something. I thought it was a branch, but it was one of the boxes packed so tight with aluminum siding that it wouldn't be able to stuff more in that box, not even if you were stronger than Mark Henry.
My shorts decided to snag the siding and pull it down. While it was on it, way down, it scraped against my leg, gouging out a one and a half inch long, quarter inch wide chunk of skin. I am sitting on my couch, waiting for the annoying stinging sensation to vacate from my leg.
Ceredirond: If the gouge is really that big, please for the love of all that is holy, go see a doctor and get it professionally bandaged up as to not catch bacterial infections or other medical diseases that spread like that.
Patchumz: So they can charge you for it? Meh, it's not bad unless it's deep. Just clean it well and butterfly bandage it if it's wide.
[deleted]: or super glue
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1376973300 | 1377010282 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | svan182: Fingering my girlfriend in the dark, surprised at how wet shes getting...
ARDad: Yeah, so I figured that's where this was going. LOL.
On a side note, did you continue, or did you stop? If you stopped, at who's insistence?
svan182: I stopped, i dont do blood haha
ARDad: Ah. I understand that. Doesn't bother me, but cleanup is a bitch.
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1376977329 | 1376978789 | null | t5_2to41 | 80 | stellasec: TIFU by not noticing I was making eye contact
So first I have a little back story. I have a really bad habit of starring off into the distance and not realizing I am making eye contact with people. Sometimes it's good, I can make some sexual eye contact with a cute guy if I notice him in time. This time was different.
I was in the car with my mom (because I'm that cool) We used to go to this one restaurant, it changed into a bar with out us knowing. We were stopped at a red light for a really really long time. We were talking about the restaurant and that sort of thing. I wasn't looking at my mom I was looking at the bar. Apparently I was making eye contact with this gentleman who I found (I guess I still find him attractive) attractive. He did the "sup" sexual head nod. That is when I noticed him, a split second before he nodded. I FREAKED THE FUCK OUT. Since I am so socially graced (probably due to the hours a day I spend on Reddit) that I decided that instead of nodding back and looking away or keeping eye contacted or the other options I had. I thought to myself "I made eye contacted with him. He can't be 100% sure I am real. I better duck." I then proceeded to duck down in the car. For most people that would have been weird enough right? Wrong. I ended up hitting my head on the glove compartment on my way down. My window was open so he heard me scream "HOLY FUCK!! I HIT MY HEAD!! I WAS MAKING EYE CONTACTED WITH THE SEXY GUY AND I DIDN'T KNOW AND I DUCKED." Right after I finished screaming in pain the light turned green and we drove away, just in time for me to see him hysterically laughing.
Xandrosaurus: Whenever I make eye contact with a guy on the train, I keep looking back at them to see if they're still looking at me. They sometimes confuse my curiosity with flirting and awkwardness usually ensues.
stellasec: My friends say I have constant "bitchy sexy face," I don't know what that means. So, apparently me just looking at someone makes people think I am flirty with them. I actually have no idea what that means AT ALL. I feel like it's nice but I am not sure.
| 3 | 26.666667 | |
1376971096 | 1377171961 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | Jmercer: TIFU by using my roommates signature without permission
I need work gloves for...work. So I left my wallet at home when I went to pick up my work coveralls. I used my roommates name and signed a dry cleaners slip to pick up a dozen pairs of gloves. Value of $39. His boss found out today and sent me a very angry text threatening to call the cops for fraud.
I was just going to go home and give him 40 bucks from my wallet but I forgot about it and left for work which is 12 hours away. Yikes, did I ever fuck up.
I'm not a bad person. My roommate gives me gloves all the time, I just didn't want to go home, grab my wallet, then drive back to the store. So I put a pack in his name expensed to his work.
StotheMtotheFtotheB: what kind of job is this? You need gloves and coveralls and it is 12 hours away? All i could think of is Dexter, from the show *Dexter*. Are you a blood splatter analyst?
SneerfulWizard: No, he's an analrapist
StotheMtotheFtotheB: and a few gallons of blue paint...
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1377000907 | 1377169780 | null | t5_2to41 | 522 | [deleted]: TIFU by spelling honorable as horrible
I had to welcome the chief guest in our uni function today, and instead of saying honorable guest, I said "I welcome the horrible chief guest to today's gathering". FML.
Ultra_Penguin: What happened after?
[deleted]: The guest was a cool guy so he laughed and brushed it away, but the professors were pissed. My friends were laughing their ass out and some of them have started calling me *horriable denucacid*
sandman369: I'd be more terrified they knew my Reddit account
Smokey95: My friend's know my Reddit Account. It's horrible.
Hi Chris and Mike!
...and kyel. :-l
INFEKTEK: "friends"
Smokey95: ,
| 7 | 74.571429 | |
1377015178 | 1377153505 | null | t5_2to41 | 69 | Throwaway1118888: TIFU By answering the door
So I was there having an afternoon stroke, I finished up the job nicely as i've been away on holiday for 2 weeks the payload as to be expected was a lot larger than normal. So I finish up when all of a sudden I hear my mum coming upstairs so I quickly pull on my trousers and cover up in time she says someones at the door for me so I walk out and down to answer it and there's my friend we chat for a minute or so and he just keeps kind of looking down at me and I didn't think anything of it said I wasn't going to be out atm and went back inside...
My mum took 1 look at me and went "I think you've got something on your trousers" I look down and there it was seeping through like oil in the ocean causing my light grey jeans to go darker in a little patch in the jizz affected area. Instinctively I just went "Oh shit" and ran off upstairs, never before have I been so embarrassed about something I haven't spoken to friend nor mother since and i'm dreading the conversation when it comes.
TL,DR: My mum and friend saw my jizz patch in my jeans
Dogele: "Mom I'm coming!"
FFBetaDragon: Oh, oh my god! I'm sorry! I can't stop coming, I'm sorry! It feels so good!
| 3 | 23 | |
1377016666 | 1377042240 | null | t5_2to41 | 349 | wintertash: TIFU And Cost The Blog I Write For %67 Of Its Traffic
I'm a blogger and associate editor for one of the big LGBT politics & culture blogs. Yesterday I published a post about the hashtag #fuckcispeople trending on Twitter, and it ended up being the last post of the day.
Now, our style guide says that we don't use "fuck" or "cunt" as the subject of posts, but I figured this would be a place where it made sense to make an exception, so the post title was ["A Cis Guy's Perspective On #fuckcispeople"](http://www.bilerico.com/2013/08/a_cis_guys_perspective_on_fuckcispeople.php)
What I *didn't* know was that the title of the last post of the day *becomes the title of the daily digest!*
Because "fuck" ended up in the email subject line, pretty much all of our daily digests landed in people's SPAM boxes, meaning that our opening traffic this morning was down **%67 off average.** And what's more, unless people manually mark as "not spam" our digests will keep landing there from here on out.
**TL;DR - Published a post at the end of the day with "fuck" in the title and landed our daily digest in everyone's spam boxes for the foreseeable future.**
bubonis: That would be 67%, btw. The percent sign goes after the number.
bachrock37: This really bothers me. OP claims to be an "editor." No editor would make that mistake. Most editors would go with AP style and say "67 percent."
bubonis: Well, to be fair this *is* TIFU, so......
stoudman: It bothers me as someone desperately looking for work in this field and being turned down all over the place. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't find myself fascinated by the types of people who are employed as editors or content creators while I still can't find anything. This is to say nothing of the OP though, as I honestly don't know who they are and it could have been an honest mistake. That being said, when I see a lot of errors like this, it really starts to piss me off.
hobofred1: but as an aspiring editor, you're ok with the epicene they?
infinity526: Especially when OP stated **his** gender in the post
| 7 | 49.857143 | |
1377024117 | 1377050862 | null | t5_2to41 | 282 | Bloodclots: By not peeing before a drug test...(kinda gross, sorry men)
Today I had a nice long list of errands to do including a drug test for a new job.
Planned out my route to ensure I didn't have to double back for any errands and would drink just enough fluids to make sure I could "perform on queue" and would not have to wait in the office.
I took along my standard iced coffee and jug of water and started off at 10am with my first stop being the place of employment to pick up the drug paperwork.
Next stop, Target. I had to "go" but decided to wait since I only had one other stop before the drug test. The time is now 10:55.
Next stop was Lowe's, still need to go and thought, "screw it, the drug test is my next stop, I can wait.". Finished at Lowe's, the time is now 11:40.
Arrived at the drug test and I was READY TO GO! They finally call me and give me the directions and cup and cut me loose. Sweet sweet relief. Finish, wait why is the cup.... red? (OH GOD)
Being a drug test bathroom, I couldn't take anything in or out with me... so yeah, I had to go out and hand the male tech a cup of pink pee. I'm not sure which of us was more embarrassed, but he was nice and told me it happens more often than one would think.
So the worst part was I needed to change my tampon and while changing, blood everywhere! It managed to get on my leg, shorts and flip flop. So here I am in near tears cleaning up a random public bathroom and I still have to go back and face this guy.
Needless to say I'm home, laundry is going, errands are not finished and I'm going to have a drink with lunch and probably not accept the job because I will never forget that drug test.
So TIFU by not peeing and changing my tampon before a drug test.
Oh, second TIFU in one day. I asked my husband to proof read my run on sentences. He is currently laying down trying to not throw up and isn't speaking to me.
Stop_Being_A_Creep: This sucks.
Your husband should man up as well. :P
SinlordAzmodan: If this stuff makes him nearly throw up and refuse to speak...
I don't even.
Stop_Being_A_Creep: It's like...yeah, i don't even either.
It's a normal bodily function! Why the hell are you freaking out.
I'm usually the one thats like "No don't fuck my on my period, you'll look like you murdered someone with your dick" The guys are always the ones that don't care.
SinlordAzmodan: I usually try not to care about "normal" bodily functions, unless they directly hinder my day.
| 5 | 56.4 | |
1377043966 | 1377095492 | null | t5_2to41 | 3,422 | FabulousFlavor: TIFU by masturbating with the showerhead.
I had just gotten back from the gym and decided that a shower would be pertinent. Soon after the shower began, I got a little horny. The showerhead and I are *intimate* friends. I set it to pulse, lay on my back on the tub floor, and reintroduced my clitoris to her watery lover. As I got close, I decided that if the water were just a tad hotter, it would significantly improve my orgasm. Being on the edge of cumming, and thus disinclined to sit up and turn the temperature knob a little warmer, I decided to use my foot. Predictably, my foot slipped and I sent the water temperature from warm to thermal vent. I now have an icepack between my legs.
TLDR; I wanted to cum, got cooked instead.
ForsanTheStray: The female version of a guy masturbating so hard he rubs the skin off?
FabulousFlavor: Dear god, that's a thing? I'd take scalded vagina over skinned penis any day.
BitingInsects: As a guy, I don't understand how this is a thing.
2Deluxe: Its generally a guys who are cut thing (which is most of the world that's not America).
JustLetMeComment: ..........Say what? Pretty sure most of America is circumcised.
AndThenThereWasMeep: My mom says the majority of teenagers she sees are uncircumcised, FWIW
JustLetMeComment: So you're saying there's a chance that the dude on Xbox live actually has fucked your mom?
AndThenThereWasMeep: Wow that came off as REALLY creepy. My mom was an ER nurse for 15 years. That information helps
ProPuke: Isn't that kind of thing frowned upon in nursing?
AndThenThereWasMeep: What, seeing genitalia?
SowhereistheScotch: No, genatal mutilation.
AndThenThereWasMeep: Oh I honestly don't know. My mom doesn't prefer circumcision, I can tell you that
| 13 | 263.230769 | |
1377046701 | 1377207745 | null | t5_2to41 | 56 | [deleted]: TIFU by picking up my teenage sister's used maxipad.
I'm still trying to recover, but here we go, guys and gals. A little background is in order. So, my thirteen year-old sister recently started getting her monthly surprise, which in itself is very strange to me. It seems like only a few years ago that she was brought home from the hospital. Anyway, apparently she is still learning proper sanitary disposal techniques of her... belongings.
I was nestled peacefully in my bed with my laptop, just getting off of a [Spelunky](http://spelunky.wikia.com/wiki/Spelunky_Wiki) binge and a marathon of the recently added "Wilfred" episodes on Netflix. Having exhausted my interest in both, I turned to my good friend, reddit. I sat quietly perusing several pages of /r/all, all in all a fairly educational activity once you get past the tired memes and reposts. The inevitable happened, I stumbled across a decent /r/gonewild post, which of course sent me deep into the rabbit hole of clicking dozens of links to the material that fine people, like yourself perhaps, feel is of the caliber to be further spread to the masses. I had no real desire to masturbate, although one side of my laptop was noticeably higher than the other. The rain droplets of a light shower pattered quietly against the backdrop of the evening sun shining through my window. Combined with the result of an empty 24 ounce waterbottle by my bedside, nature gave its call.
Having learned from prior mistakes, I waited for my erection to fully soften before attempting my bathroom break. Like most normal humans, I tend to want to eat more when I am being lazy or procrastinating. With that in mind, I was going to kill two birds with one stone by picking up some empty calories after making my bathroom stop. This is precisely were I first fucked up, reddit. Instead of just using the upstairs bathroom, I added Gluttony to my Sloth by letting the sweet promise of Goldfish® brand baked crackers, entice me to use the downstairs bathroom instead. I didn't make it to the Goldfish.
Some more background is probably in order as well. The family dog, a Cocker Spainiel mutt, is nearing its own thirteenth year. With its age and long-term complications due to an early-life incident with a passing car, it has reached the point that many elderly animals reach (humans included), it simply does not give one single flying fuck. All training has slowly deteriorated. When the dog sees a plate of food on the coffee table, it lurches for it. When the dog has to piss or shit, it gives absolutely no warning and does it right in front of everybody. Most importantly to this story, when the dog smells something it wants in the trashcan, it digs right in. You may have already predicted why I am currently having trouble interacting with either, the dog or my sister.
I briskly descended the stairs and trotted over to bathroom, already beginning to regain interest in watching the last few available episodes of "Wilfred". The door is already cracked open, which was a bad omen, due to the dog's tendency to go after facial tissues, cotton swabs, and the like. I open the door to the all too familiar sight of a downed trashcan, its papery guts strewn across the floor. I began to clean up the mess, noticing a particularly bad smell, some may even describe it as... fishy. About halfway through the clean-up process, I reach for the red cloth, thinking nothing of it. I quickly assessed it as perhaps a dinner napkin that reached the end of its life, may I remind you now that I was not thinking clearly, with the enemy at the gates and such. I placed my index, middle, and ring finger on the bow end of the object, and planted my thumb on the stern end of the object. In a particular hurry due to my situation, in one motion I pulled my thumb to my fingers, folding the object into half in my hand, and began to pull the object up to knee height. It dripped. The contrast of the liquid on the glistening white floor, could only possibly be equaled by how I imagine Russian commie blood appears when cast against pristine Siberian snow. As I quickly registered what the object in my hand really was, I drew back my hand and unclasped my fingers, but the blood-soaked pad had already gained seemingly unnatural momentum. Most likely due to a slightly delayed unclasping of fingers, the red dawn rose rapidly over the horizon, reaching middle thigh height and on a predicted trajectory with my right knee. I shuffled backwards with the speed of speed of twenty Michael Jackson back-up dancers, but I too soon made full contact with the starboard wall. My right knee was safe, but my foot was a sitting duck, without even the time to brace for impact. The floor became a work of modern art, possibly even museum worthy. The period blood was scattered far and wide, my right foot as its epicenter.
With my little bit of luck, the plastic-backed side was on top, prohibiting the droplets from reaching more than four or five inches in height. After a stunned silence, I panicked and reached for the white hand towel. I proceeded to mop my feet and ankles clean, only succeeding in ruining the towel. I hobbled to the shower, leaving light footprints on the tile and oak floors, and I tried in vain to wash away the shame. After I was as satisfied as possible with the disinfecting of my legs and feet from the knees down, I cleaned the footprints and bathroom with the force of twenty Esperanza's. Nobody was home, and I made damn well sure that nobody was going to find out the full extent of the event. The official story is that I smelled, and subsequently found the pad in the trash can, bringing it out to the trash shortly after. The worst part is, this is my last day home before heading off to college again.
TL;DR: Teenage girls are indescribably nasty.
InvalidUsernameAgain: Please give her a break. I remember when I was a young teenage girl new to periods, and sometimes you're so busy cleaning up all that nasty shit in you and can't reach the trashcan so you wad up the pad, wrap it in ten layers of toilet paper, and set it on the ground to finish up with yourself. Sometimes by the time you're done you just forget, leading to some really awkward moments. I learned to check and double check after leaving a pad (wadding up in toilet paper and no blood showing, mind you) on the floor once and being so embarrassed after walking in there after everyone had been using the bathroom.
UndercoverThetan: Yeah, I understand the need for discreteness and not making a big deal out of it, but stuff like that can't happen regularly. I have told our mom, as it is a mother-daughter thing. Some girls flush stuff, others don't. I have never had a reason to ask any of my friends or girlfriends what the system is. I'm trusting that my mother and sister will work out some deal so that smells aren't an issue (it was the guest bathroom), and preferably a method that is more sanitary.
sammich_factory: I use pads and there are little scented plastic bags you can buy to put them in when they're used and rolled up. She needs to learn to wrap it up and dispose of it properly, but you also kinda need to man up a bit. It's just blood. It won't kill you.
UndercoverThetan: That actually sounds like a really good solution. As far as the manning up, I agree to some extent, although it is hard to be perfectly okay with a *smelly* blood drenched rag plainly exposed in the trash can until garbage pick-up day. It is all part of the learning process I suppose.
sammich_factory: Yeah, I know it smells, but future girlfriends will thank you for not making a big deal out of it! And most women will not leave it exposed like that. Get your mum to talk to her about disposing of it properly.
| 6 | 9.333333 | |
1377027241 | 1377643422 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | Tejasgrass: TIFU by filing a form instead of mailing it
This is actually a "Five weeks ago I fucked up, but today was the realization."
The small (really, really small) business I work for pays the government whatever sales tax we collect from customers monthly. Every single month I fill out the same form, calculate what we owe them, write a check & send it off. It's common for us not to pay any sales tax (a lot of what we do is for other companies), and in those cases I fill out the form and send it off without a check. Routine. Well, in July I went on vacation for a couple weeks. I come back mid-week to a ton of stuff sitting on my desk. Among the things to do, this week's bills have yet to be done, and last weeks bills were "paid" according to our system & bank account but weren't printed or sent off. Worked like a madwoman to straighten things out and get the high priority stuff accomplished. Things are under control. My boss was the one covering for me while I was out and gave me a dollar raise after the whole thing. Nice guy.
Today I get an official notice in the mail. A serious, scary-looking one with a list of large numbers and words like **late penalty** and **accruing fine** in bold letters. We had just gotten a "you forgot to send us your ___ tax" letter in error so I go to my boss thinking it was related to that. Nope. In my haste to get everything off of my desk last month I had simply filed the sales tax form instead of sending it off with no check (we owed $0 that month). Worst part is, while we were still trying to figure out what was going on I said to my boss, the guy who *just gave me a raise*, "I was gone that week, it's ALL YOU." And giggled. /sigh
So, one $50 check (that our company wasn't even supposed to give to the government) later, I feel terrible. I apologized, but I still feel terrible.
cawpin: You get penalized, without a warning apparently, even if you owed nothing? That's ridiculous. What state is this?
Tejasgrass: Penalized for not turning in the form that shows the numbers. Texas likes its state taxes.
cawpin: I understand being penalized for not filing, but no warning? And what do they base the fine on? If you owed nothing, they lost nothing.
| 4 | 4 | |
1377063909 | 1377187903 | null | t5_2to41 | 74 | [deleted]: TIFU by slapping a woman and then going "Woo!" in the style of Ric Flair.
Dear Reddit,
Today I fucked up by playfully slapping the top (not the boob meat) of my supervisor's chest and going "woo!" in the style of Ric Flair. I connected with her sternum a little too hard and she got all chokey and had the wind knocked out of her. I tried to make it come off like a joke, but she called the police on me. There weren't any witnesses, and it didn't leave a mark, so the cops just told me to leave work for the day. I got a phone call from HR saying that I have to come in for a "mediation session" tomorrow, whatever that means. I'm going to wear my best suit and a pair of sunglasses, because if I'm getting fired, I'm going to style and profile like the Nature Boy.
100149314: Woo!
Blabe: Woo!
BBoxall: Woo?
| 4 | 18.5 | |
1377061849 | 1377124593 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | TheAmbiguity: TIFU by sharing my thoughts.
Well... Over the course of about an hour, I un made two aquaintences/friends. My girlfriend called and told me that one of her friends had convinced her that i was cheating because I was listening to a late night keynote speaker for a seminar and didn't answer her texts. Her friend convinced her to make a decision that I didn't really approve of, but one I couldn't control. So gf called the next morning and told me everything and I thought it wasn't that bad, but I was upset at my gf's friend for convincing her to do that. So I messaged her saying "blah blah blah why did you assume I was cheating? blah blah blah this habit isn't good for you and I don't appreciate you convincing my gf to do it." and then i continue about where i actually was, in detail just because i thought i should. She goes off on me saying that this habit doesn't define who she is so i shouldn't label here based on that bad habit and if it was really that bad, thousands of teens would be in jail. I never really feel like dealing with her anyways, but i felt bad. I was just trying to project my overly-cautious sobriety. So i un-friended her after royally pissing her off and I will do my best to avoid her and the other friend like her.
tl;dr Girlfriend did something stupid because her friend convinced her, so i bitched at her friend and pissed the friend off and the girlfriend a little.
Other story of the day...
Old friend from old high school, two years ago, had been posting "Yeah i make two hundred some dollars a day by plugging an insurance company" and what I thought was scheming and so on. With the statuses were pictures of like 1k in cash, no hands, no faces, nothing. So judging by the terrible writing (the.whole status was liek.this.and sometimes.they put periods were they weren't. supposed to) and the disregard for general grammatical rules of thumb, i figured her account had been hacked by some bug, as that happened to a twitter account of mine because I clicked on someone's message because I wasn't sure what it was. So I commented how I thought it was just a virus and a program had been posting and replying generic things. One of the replies told us to google the business and such, perhaps to reel us in. So i private message her "[Lady], i think your face book is broken, it seems like your account was hacked. She replied no it wasn't. Still seemed like the same style of bad writing and lack of personality in response. So i replied that this wasn't usually how the person talked, just to see what "the robot" would say. Well, it wasn't. She called me out on not speaking to her because I had moved across the country and that we were only acquaintances in the first place, almost friends. I'm still skeptical (that's some damn good programming on their part), but I felt bad.
tl;dr Thought old acquaintence was hacked, so I messaged her. Called her out on not sounding like her self and got bitched out.
Successful day, wasn't it?
DannyFnLanza: What did your gf do exactly? You say she was convinced to do something stupid. BTW the fault isn't with her riend it's with her. She's weak willed #RealityBoom
[deleted]: Sounds like weed.
| 3 | 3 | |
1377061712 | 1377102304 | null | t5_2to41 | 69 | tubsafun: TIFU by trying to look nice for an interview
So I recently got an in-person job at a cool company. I wanted to wear a skirt as part of the professional look, and I decided to give my legs a good shave. I just do it quick in the shower, but I wanted it close so I decided to do it in the bathtub.
Last night I decided to make it relaxing and fun with a some drinking and music. I put the water on, put in a few drops of baby oil, got my ipod player, all that. I only had jack daniels, which I like with ice. I thought I might like a second drink, so I brought the bottle with me and put a lot of ice in the glass.
I get in the tub, drink and bottle on the floor nearby, music going nicely. I just soak and enjoy my drink, put in a little more hot water, and go for another after maybe 20 minutes. HUGE FUCKING MISTAKE
I woke up hours later, freezing in the tub, where I apparently spilled most of a handle of jack daniels and soaked in it for two hours. :/ I just started bawling. My roommate confirmed I completely reeked of booze, and it even got into my hair.
I called the interviewer's office (after hours at this point) and said I was really sick and needed to reschedule and emailed the same thing. Fortunately in the morning they said that was fine.
tl;dr Spent today taking tomato juice showers.
scrndude: Wait, did you get sauced in the bathtub and blackout from two drinks? Or am I misunderstanding this story?
LEoldRedditCanceroo: Most importantly, OP wasted a bottle of booze.
For shame.
admiralranga: it was only jacks, no harm done
[deleted]: go for Old Crow
| 5 | 13.8 | |
1377064878 | 1377154409 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU and accidently called Mudkip a 1st gen pokemon, I doubt I will hear the end of this from Reddit.
yea, accidently said it in my askreddit, got reminded by about 7 people, did correct myself though.
THATONEGUY0682: Boy, you must live a bland life if this is what a fuck up is for you.
LEoldRedditCanceroo: >Dear Diary,
>Today I lost 47 karma
>I think I might kill myself
JerimiahTheYoungLad: Dear Diary,
Suicide jokes arnt funny
actually, i take that back, that was kinda funny, I went gghhffttpp, +1 for you
Aerodamus: It's a good thing you decided to make this post on a throwaway, because this is one truly terrible, cringeworthy comment.
LEoldRedditCanceroo: I don't think it was a throwaway. Just so new.
| 6 | 0.666667 | |
1377057942 | 1377208579 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | Still_Uncool: tifu by breaking my dads golf club
So this actually happened yesterday... But anyways my dad is out of town for work and my sister just got home from working all summer at a summer camp. My mom asked me to go outside and start up the grill so we could have hot dogs and hamburgers for dinner. So I start the grill then put the stuff on the grill and look in the corner and saw some older golf clubs. So I grab some iron and go to the lawn and start swinging it. I live in a neighborhood that backs up to a field so I though why don't I just take an old golf ball and hit it into the field. So I grab my dads driver out of his back because I don't want to go into the basement to get mine. I grab a ball and tee and tell my sister to come watch. So we both go to the backyard and I set up the ball on the tee and take my practice swings. So now I am thinking I'm just going to crush the ball so I swing I make connection with the ball AND THE HEAD OF THE DRIVER GOES WITH THE BALL. So there I was thinking oh my god. So I put just the shaft back in the garage and go searching in the waist to chest high field. After that I proceeded to give my arms and legs a 45 minute sponge bath because I got into something that made my legs burn and itch. This was yesterday and my legs are still red and itchy... I wonder what I went through
Tldr Broke the head off my dads driver and had to sponge bathe my legs because they were red, burning and itching
zalloy: Sounds like you might have went through [stinging nettles](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stinging_nettle).
Still_Uncool: That looks like some of the plants
[deleted]: An easy cure for stinging nettle is another plant, called jewel weed. It almost always grows right by stinging nettle. It looks like [this] (http://www.metuchennj.org/jewel_weed.jpg) and if you pour water on the underside of the leaf it looks silver.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1377084393 | 1377086238 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidently getting hooked on nicotine
Not really specifically today, kind of the last 2 weeks.
Let me preface this by saying I don't normally smoke, I do socially if I'm at an event with people and occasionally partake.
So this guy that does the same course as me had this device that sort of looked like a pen and was smoking it. I knew it was some type of vape and was curious, the smoke drifted towards me and it smelt fruity. I asked him about it and he told me it was an e-cig, and let me try it. It tasted pretty sweet so I was pretty keen to get my hands on one.
So I went to this shop that sold them and the guy behind the counter was talking about it, trying to promote it. I wasn't really listening though. It came to a point and he asked me what dosage e-liquid (you load it into the vape) or something or rather I wanted, so I naturally picked the highest one (thinking it meant HOW much ).
Turns out that e-liquid contains nicotine, as it's meant to sort of help smokers ween off of cigerattes. So I had been puffing away at this, inhaling it as well and I ran out of the syrup. I checked online to find where to buy more, only to find out that I had 18mg of nicotine within a 20 ml bottle that I had been smoking away at for the last 2 weeks.
Slowly forming a nicotine addiction. Now I'm itching for more and I'm just like fml.
AmerikanInfidel: Two weeks? Just give up now, you will never be able to overcome such an addiction.
alittlekink: That is a ridiculous statement. I know people who smoked for decades and still managed to successfully quit. Having said that, though. Having said that, I do believe OP is better off quitting now, as it will be *easier* and chances of success will be higher than if they wait. But quitting down the road is not completely impossible.
AmerikanInfidel: If i edit it with italic's words will you be able to notice the sarcasm?
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1377084692 | 1377107320 | null | t5_2to41 | 56 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to be funny with a friend
I recived a message of a friend asking me to share her facebook status, and knowing her and how much she hates like-beggars (as she calls them) I said something like "So now you beg via whatsapp?" (she gets sarcasm realy quick, so I assumed she was going to make a witty response). The last thing I expected was "Kevin, my boyfriend's father fell of his roof and is in coma. He needs blood donors". I know she is not mad at me, but I've been felling like shit the whole morning and I remember droping my phone after I read the text
Quixotic_Neutral: Yeah, this isn't a fuck up. If she didn't explicitly tell you it was important from the first text, you had no reason to assume so. Apologize and don't worry about it.
TheMobHasSpoken: Definitely. And as long as you actually *do* share her status (which I imagine you have, since it's important and time-sensitive), she'll forgive you pretty easily.
| 3 | 18.666667 | |
1377116783 | 1377233555 | null | t5_2to41 | 48 | kalyco: TIFU by contacting Peter Smalley and asking for help without knowing who he was, FACEPALM! Ugh!
I've been getting emails from Peter Smalley on Google plus for what seems like ages. I've gotten at least 500 to 1000 emails. I didn't know who he was and thought he might even work for Google as a blogger, stupid assumption on my part, I know.
So here was my request:
Hi Peter, I hope you're doing well. You're so good about posting to your Gplus that I wanted to see if you would help me spread the word on my music. I've got a couple of videos on YouTube, one for Easy Money and one for Texas Rain. Here are the links: Texas Rain - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHuDmwcjfeA and Easy Money - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-6F266znTCI I've made Texas Rain available for free download on Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/kally-omally/texas-rain These are from my 2013 Release Easy Money, which is currently in the Grammy nomination process. My home site is www.kallyomally.com. I'd really appreciate you helping me get the word out. Thank you Peter! Kally
Here was his response:
Hi Kally, Thanks for contacting me, but I am not certain why you think I am in the habit of providing free advertising to unsolicited individuals. There are paid professionals for marketing, even in social media outlets, but I am not one of them. I have a few suggestions for how you could better approach people on Google Plus when it comes to enlisting their aid in your promotional efforts. 1. Circle them. It shows you want to be part of a shared community with them. 2. Engage with them - not just about your interests, but about theirs. 3. Make sure they are aware of your artistic endeavors, interested in that art form, and supportive of you as an artist. Only after these conditions have been met should you consider approaching them to assist you in your promotional activities. Before that, it comes across as spam, at best, and I doubt that will help you achieve your career aspirations. Good luck with your musical endeavors. Kind regards, Peter
Then he posted all about it on Google Plus: https://plus.google.com/105236768266664642705/posts/VAJVKQdfYvx
I didn't realize he was such a bigwig. He just kept sending me emails! But I'm blown away by how mean he was, I would have thought that someone with such success would be gracious and just politely explain that I was mistaken. I know it's stupid, but I really let his meanness get to me. I honestly did not realize that my request would be such a burden for him. Jeez. I know it's absolutely stupid but this really bothers me and I'm not sure why, maybe because I received so many of his emails or maybe I'm just embarrassed, but it hurts.
Edit: I'm not a google plus pro user and I understand that somewhere along the lines I must have hit something to allow those emails to come in and 2. the very first thing I did was apologize for the intrusion. As much as I didn't like his tone, I suspect he didn't like mine which likely contributed to the mess.
Edit 2: I'm still getting pounded by them on Twitter. I've apologized profusely, admitted my mistake and now the're saying I have a #victimcomplex. Apparently I can't even apologize the right way. Suckz.
coniferous1: I actually don't think his reply is mean-spirited.
I think he's probably just frustrated with people that want free advertising. That's a valid reason for turning you down.
It does kind of suck that he made you an example and posted it on his page though, It was a very small mistake.
ProblemPie: There's a definite undercurrent of *dick* in his reply. He had every right to deny her request, but that doesn't vindicate being a passive aggressive douchebag about it.
Beyond that, who the fuck is Peter Smalley, anyway? I have never heard of him in my life. I checked his bibliography/screenwriting credits, and have never heard of anything that he's involved with. Guy's awful uppity for somebody whose major successes in life are credits on a series of unimportant Australian b-list films and books that aren't popular enough to warrant their own Wikipedia page. I mean, shit, his *own* page is a stub itself.
In short, fuck this tool.
kalyco: I really appreciate your comments. I feel better about the situation now that a day has passed, and understand my mistake. But I kind of felt like I was going crazy when folks kept saying that was a "polite" response. I thought it was terse and coming from a decidedly "superior" POV.
ProblemPie: No, I totally understand. That's why I posted; the response I read from him annoyed the shit out of me, and nobody else seemed to think that he was being an absolute, unjustified douche.
Also, don't worry too much about not really understanding Google/G+/Google Circles/whatever. The only functions of Google that are even necessary are GMail, the search bar, and Google Docs. That's pretty much it. The "Circles" nonsense, from the outset, to *me*, has seemed like a poor attempt at smashing the ideas of social networking sites and an e-mail address into one overly complex cluster fuck.
kalyco: Love this response on Twitter
@kalyco The problem is that @Peter_Smalley provided you the right way. You chose to take that as an attack and bullying. #victimcomplex
ProblemPie: I wouldn't even worry about it. Everyone's got courage behind a computer screen. Oh, for the record, I took a listen to the two songs you posted in your original post, and I really dig them - though they aren't entirely my kind of music. If you can really belt it, I think it'd be great to hear you do something a bit more classic blues style. Just a thought.
kalyco: I have an awesome 16 bar blues song called "No One at All" that will be on my next CD. I love the blues and studied for several years under Charles Atkins in Tallahassee http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3m7WtKs2XHA Learned sooo much.
| 8 | 6 | |
1377117955 | 1377179956 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,669 | [deleted]: TIFU at the Sapphire Club in Las Vegas [NSFW]
DISCLAIMER: This story happened last year. I didn't know about reddit back then. I was having lunch with a buddy of mine today and this story came up and he suggested I post it here. Sorry if that's like, against the rules on this sub or something. I just think it's funny and I hope you will too.
BACKSTORY: I'm an Air Force veteran who's out of the service now and is currently attending college.
Without further ado, here is the text of the story which I originally posted on /b/ about a year ago:
Duuude. I got taken for such a chump at Sapphire. Pull up a chair and I'll tell you the whole story.
I was in Vegas for a wedding; one of my Air Force buddies was getting married. I served 3 of my 4 tours with her, so when she invited me about 6 months back, of course I said I'd show up even though it meant missing class. The wedding was real nice and I got to see a lot of other military friends that I haven't talked to since I got out.
I had only two goals while I was in Vegas: go to the wedding, and go to one of those fancy strip clubs they have. See, this was my 4th trip to Vegas (the other three were in the AF) and the other three times, I'd never been able to get anyone to go with me. So this time I was determined to go. I hung around at the wedding reception for about 2 hours - had 3 long island iced teas and 2 beers. Got pretty buzzed. My friends all wanted me to stay longer but I was hellbent on going to Sapphire, so I left.
I walked the mile or so from the Mirage over to Club Sapphire. I walked in, payed the $30 cover, and took $200 out of the ATM (with a $30 ATM fee). There was a stripper waiting at the door as soon as I walked in. She latched on to me like a fucking magnet: didn't let me out of her sight except for a quick trip to the bathroom. She dragged me to the bar... it didn't help that I was already pretty buzzed from the wedding reception. So, we did tequila shots and had some witty dialogue. Spent about $25 at the bar.
I wanted to go sit by the stage and just enjoy the atmosphere. This was a really top-notch place. But within 5 minutes she'd convinced me to go to the VIP room: 30 minutes for $200 +$72 for the 4-drink minimum. Since $200 was exactly the amount I'd already decided I was prepared to spend, and whereas I was getting drunker by the minute, I agreed. But I'd already broken a 20 into ones, so I had to go back to the ATM to get more cash so I could pay the $200. She goes with me to the ATM. "Just take out like another 100," she purrs in my ear while grabbing a nice handful of my dick. So I take out another 100 in cash, + another $30 ATM fee. I now have $280 in twenties, and $20 in ones.
I spent a total of about 10 minutes actually in the VIP room, and those 10 minutes were good. Witty dialogue continued. 4 more tequila shots were imbibed. I gave her the entire $280 and said let that be incentive to treat me good. She let me touch her everywhere.
The whole time, she's using her feminine wiles to convince me to upgrade to the champagne room. And by feminine wiles I mean I'm fingering her asshole and pussy at the same time while sucking on her nipples. She seems totally down with that level of touching, and in fact, she cites her willingness to let me finger her asshole as reason to upgrade, and promises to be "a lot crazier than this" in the champagne room.
I fall for it like a chump. Also, I'm now running on 6 shots of tequila + the buzz I already had from the reception, so I'm asymptotically approaching shitfaced. So I agree to go to the champagne room after 10 minutes.
To go to the champagne room, it costs $600 + about $200 to buy a bottle. I really, really can't afford that. That's a month's fucking rent. But I decide to do it anyway. So I go to the ATM (she comes with me, pressing her tits up against me the whole time). Remembering that I'd transferred $1500 into checking before leaving on this whole Vegas trip, I try a straightforward withdrawal: Insufficient Funds.
At this point, I should be alarmed. Like, seriously worried. But I'm shitfaced, and I've got pussy moisture on my fingers, so I try my savings account: Transaction Denied.
Fuck it, I try my emergency line of credit: Transaction Denied.
WTF man? How is it that I have no fucking money all of a sudden? Also why is this ATM swaying from side to side like that, shouldn't it be bolted to the floor or something? Anyway, let's try a balance inquiry to see what's really going on here.
My balance is $112.
The stripper sees this and abruptly loses interest. She mumbles, "Well that sucks... just take out like, another sixty and I'll treat you good for the rest of your time in the VIP room." So I take out $60 + another $30 ATM fee. We go back to the VIP room. I give her the $60 and she starts to take her top off, but right at that moment, the srs bzns waitress and a bouncer both come over and inform us that my 30 minutes is up. Yeah, I spent 20 minutes trying to get the ATM to give me money, and that time totally counted against my half hour in the VIP room. Hearing this, I should be angry, but everything is kind of hazy and the room refuses to just hold still a minute so I can walk in a straight line.
The srs bznz waitress hands me a receipt for the 4 tequila shots: $72. I sign it while the bouncer looks on. Then the stripper smoothly escorts me out and gives me a kiss and says "don't be mad baby."
I'm too drunk to process what just happened so I just say thank you and leave.
The mile walk back to the Mirage was shitty. I knew if I called a cab, I wouldn't be able to afford a taxi to the airport the next day. I tried to text one of my friends from the wedding reception, but that was the exact moment that my phone ran out of battery and died. For the next hour or so, I walked by broke ass back to the Mirage. It was about 2 AM when I got back to my room. I crashed onto the bed, and suddenly the alarm started going off. I got up and was shocked to find that it was now 5:30. Still feeling tipsy and a little sick, I packed up my shit and checked out of the Mirage. I used the last of my money in checking to pay for a taxi to the airport, and then flew back to Austin. I got lunch in Houston with the $20 in ones that I never spent.
And that's the story of how I spent all my money at Sapphire.
EDIT: Wow this got a lot more attention than I thought it would. Thanks everyone. For some common questions:
- Y'all caught a couple of grammar mistakes - sorry about that. I fixed them (I think).
- A lot of people noticed that I only actually spent about $600 in the club, and asked where the rest of the $1500 went? It turned out that I'd already spent most of it on previous expenses for the trip (plane tickets, hotels, etc). However in my drunken state I didn't remember or realize that, so I was shocked and confused and a little bit afraid. I tried to convey that confusion that I felt by writing that part of the story ambiguously.
- I wrote this story the very next day after it happened while I was still hungover - which is why so many of the details are clear. If I tried to write this today (almost a year later), I definitely wouldn't remember all the dollar amounts and whatnot.
- For all the folks pointing out how many dumb mistakes I made: yes, I know. Isn't that the whole point of this subreddit? Enjoy the schadenfreude.
Thanks again, everyone, for all the comments and commiseration. I look back on it now and laugh. I learned many valuable lessons, and I came away with the kind of epic Vegas story that you see in movies. Well, sort of, anyway.
Jonaldson: For what you spent at Sapphire, you could have gotten a decent prostitute, gotten all your urges out, and spent the rest of the night watching TV.
[deleted]: OR you could have bought enough internet porn for a lifetime.
OR you could have stuck with the free stuff/torrented stuff, then spent that money on a year of ultimate package DirecTV. Or a year of the medium-level package, plus NFL sunday ticket, plus a smaller TV. Or a really good amount of decent food for 4 months. Or one episode of Epic Meal Time.
awwwww_snap: none of those are sex
Midnight_Gaze: But some of them are food.
Which is like sex in your mouth.
SometimesMonkey: You know what else is like that? Sex.
Midnight_Gaze: But that costs MONEY.
Lots of it.
Food is minimal.
And don't give me that bullshit about consensual sex, because at that rate you have to buy her gifts.
Expensive ones.
SometimesMonkey: You're doing it wrong.
Midnight_Gaze: Like I said to the others, bad wording. Said entirely wrong. Food is good, etc.
| 9 | 185.444444 | |
1377125156 | 1377193694 | null | t5_2to41 | 44 | [deleted]: TIFU by admitting at work I hasn't gotten laid in two years.
I work in a typically red blooded male dominated environment and within minutes I had every fuckers taking the piss. Not sure I'll live this one down.
reseph: >every fuckers taking the piss
I must be behind on the slang. wat.
PiggyBankofDespair: Taking the piss is a way of saying "making fun" across the pond. His coworkers are giving him a hard time because of his dry spell.
reseph: Well that makes sense, thanks. I thought OP was female and they were hitting on her because she hasn't been laid recently, and something something piss...
Fuckyourday: A male/female clarification is usually needed needed in these posts.
| 5 | 8.8 | |
1377128220 | 1377135772 | null | t5_2to41 | 41 | elynnism: TIFU by being too excited to run.
I rolled out of bed before the crack of dawn, quickly put on my running clothes and began my run. All was going well. I was going my regular route and I was about 10 minutes in when I tripped over a curb. It happens and I'm usually one to take the fall, get up, and keep going.
Today, I decided rather than just take the fall I was gonna run through it and keep going. What ended up happening is I was on a slight decline down a hill, so all I did was gain momentum. I didn't think I was going to fall, but I did. I attempted to turn my body but all I did was twist and then go, "Huh, that pavement is getting awfully close to my face."
Well, I ate concrete for breakfast. Adrenaline provided a quick return to my apartment. I had to repeatedly tell myself to stay calm, grabbed my keys, military ID, and went to the emergency room.
All said and done, my lip is tore up in several different places and I have a nice liquid bandaid holding some of it together for the next ten days plus random drooling. My nose isn't broken or fractured - luckily - but it has a nice juicy bruise that's very tender to the touch. My thigh has a bruise and scrape marks that extend about a foot long in length and a good few inches wide, with a nasty fat skinning of my knee. I have some whiplash from when my head flippin' bounced off the concrete. But worst of all, I chipped my left front tooth. The dentist said they could fix it and the damage could have been worse, but they'll patch me up next week once the swelling of my lip goes down and then make me a nice sports guard for help avoiding any future mishaps.
I guess the shit part was that I was returned to duty without quarters, and I didn't receive any painkillers at all, just antibiotics. Thankfully when I went to see my supervisor they took one look at me and said "yeah... you look like you just walked out of the movie Carrie... you're not working today." I had to go home and the strongest thing I have is ibuprofen. I've had four today and I'm getting ready to break the directions for a couple more because I'm in pain.
So now I'm sitting at home with an icepack on my face, wondering what the hell happened. I ordered pizza to make myself feel better but I can't close my mouth properly when eating and now I have to smack my food like a barbarian. TIFU.
Zecin: This reminds me of my last St. Patrick's Day! I was giving a friend a piggy back ride. Decided to run down one of the back alleys with her on my back and tripped. I slammed my face into some jagged piece of asphalt, didn't use my hands to break my fall because they were holding her legs, and she fell on my head. She was fine. I broke my nose, had road rash on the side of my face, killed the nerve in one of my front teeth (and blunderbusted it too according to the dentist), chipped a few more teeth, and a couple were pushed back as well. I also ended up with my lip all torn up like you. I've got a few asphalt tattoos from it on my face now, which kinda sucks. Anyways, your story reminded me of mine and I figured I might as well let you know that you're not the only idiot out there, haha. Hope it all heals up nicely!
elynnism: Oh man!! You got it way worse than me... did you clench your teeth so hard they chipped? I'm sorry to hear that but it seems like you have a good humor about it. Every time one of the airman looked at me hard I said, "I always look like this." And my favorite joke today was, "Don't feel sorry for me. I'm already married."
Zecin: Nope, the asphalt was just jagged and I got a mouthful of it. Mine sounds bad and it looked bad too, but it actually wasn't that painful. I'm glad you're joking about it. I had a fun time making up stories. Telling people I got into a bar fight (I'm far from being a fighter) and things like that. My favourite one was having my lab instructor convinced for a couple minutes that I had just walked away from a car accident, haha.
| 4 | 10.25 | |
1377130877 | 1377133709 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | 44Cobra44: TIFU while bridge jumping.
So this tifu starts from about 2 weeks ago and goes until today.
Well reddit, I dun goofed. I fucked up in one of the worst ways possible.
Rewind 2 weeks, I convince 2 friends to go jump with me, and all is good. Get there and there is about 5 hot chicks our age there, all around fun. There's a rope hanging from the bridge and a huge block of concrete under that you can swing off of, about 10 feet (~3.3 meters) over the water. First time using this rope and I'm kind nervous. The rope has 3 huge knots about 3 inches apart near the bottom, and 3 smaller ones after.
First swing. Jumped, sat on the knot and it worked well, managed to go about 15 feet (~ 4.7 meters) .
Second swing. First major fuck up. Jump, sit on the top knot and try to launch myself off the rope by letting go as soon as it starts going back up. I let go. *thump* Hm. That was odd. It really hurt. *thump thump thump thump thump*. Every fucking knot hit me in the dick. I'm talking 3 golf balls then 3 baseball size knots. Dickfeelsbad.jpg and I go home.
Fast forward a week and I convince another person to go with me. Girls are there again and we hang out for about 3 hours.
We are about to go home and I say fuck it and tell what happed on the rope to my friend (didn't go last time) and he tells me to go again.
Third swing. Going fine till I try to drop. Wraps around my dick/thigh and I hang for about 30 seconds before I free myself. The knot at the bottom also hit me in the chest, making the whole left side of me bruised. I go home after jumping for another 30 mins.
Fast forward today. This was the **BIGGEST** fuck up since I sprayed cologne in my dick hole (another story, another time).
Go and jump for about 2 hours by ourselves (me and the guy from the 3rd swing) having fun, just chilling.
Fourth swing. Went great, wonder how I fucked this up last time.
Now remember how I said there were 3 huge knots at the bottom? Well someone tied them together to make a foothole.
Fifth and last swing. Going good, jump off. Friend yells "Holy fuck Austin, look out!"
Huge what the fuck rolls over inside until I look down.
The rope swung back.
Rope goes between my ass cheeks cause I panicked and clenched.
I slid down about 6 feet of rope, going through 3 knots on the way down. My ass feels like scorpion hellfire'd it and then I realise.
The last, huge, about the size of 2 softballs goes through my ass.
I hit the water face first. (I was upside down from my dick hitting the knots.) As soon as I hit the water, I felt it.
I shit myself. I flailed and it was so spread out he didn't notice until I told him.
I go check myself. I skinned the right half of my scrotum, the upper half of my thigh, and the worst of all, the bottom half of my dick. Not much skin, but enough to hurt.
My asshole still burns, and I'm sitting here writing this while I'm in the toilet afraid to take the 20 chicken nugget and large fry shit that came from the McDonald's I ate before going.
I will update when I shit.
TL;DR. I shit myself, skinned my dick, balls, and thigh, and tore my asshole on a rope swing.
Edit-Surprisingly smooth poop except for all the blood. Went through about 3 pieces of toilet paper and a wet wipe to get the blood off of my rectum. NSFW pic of said poop. http://www.imgur.com/40XKXjR.jpeg
[deleted]: I can't stop laughing, you are not a smart dude.
44Cobra44: I wish I could disagree.
| 3 | 9 | |
1377133588 | 1377187984 | null | t5_2to41 | 102 | sccif: TIFU sending nudes to my mom.
So I thought I would be sexy and send my boyfriend some naked pics of myself via text. Seemed like a good idea until I never heard back, so I called the next day and asked if he had seen them. He was shocked when I told him I sent him some and he then discovered he never got them. This then lead to the investigation of where the pics ended up....well I founds them. I sent them to my mother. I successfully deleted the evidence from her phone only after hours of panic. Finally I was showing her some pictures on my phone, and guess what came up.....can I start the day over?!
pooptits1: so whatd your mom think? OP pls rspnd
CalvinGFX: plz
| 3 | 34 | |
1377127759 | 1377292570 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | babyrage2: TIFU by reading comics
TLDR: everyone now thinks I look at hentai.
So i was reading an [online comic](http://www.shadbase.com/propane-of-war/) [NSFWish](i was at a different part) a friend of mine sent me the other day. This comic has some funny parts and some other parts that are porn. I have been skipping the porn parts.
Now I have been keeping it open in a tab while I read it. I decided to browse reddit while I ate dinner with the comic still open. Once I got done eating, a freshman asks me to install microsoft word for him. I agree and do it and it gets done. Afterwords me and him were talking and I open a new tab to show him something. After I showed it to him I close it and turn to continue talking to him. When I closed out the tab, the tab with the comic appears on the screen. He asks me what I was looking at, I look over and see [this](http://www.shadbase.com/the-lezzing-of-korra-page-11/) [NSFW]. I tried to explain to him that it is a comic strip and the creator also does porn every so often, I am certain that he did not believed me. Word travels fast here and everyone now thinks that I look at hentai.
[deleted]: It could be worse, there is much creepier porn online, hentai or not.
levirax: well it was shadbase, so it could have been a decently bad comic. Futanari MLP would do well to ruin a guys reputation in certain circles.
[deleted]: Ain't got nothing on futa-filly-scat-multi-species-tentacle-rape-torture-necrophilia-mlp. So, I mean, it could have been worse, no offense to people with such a... wide array of fetishes.
levirax: I know/can guess most of those, but cant figure out what filly is. (and I cant be assed to open a tab to search it myself, lol) So mind explaining?
[deleted]: Young horse, goes with the mlp thing.
levirax: AAaahh.. I see.
[deleted]: You see, you have to think these things through
| 8 | 1.875 | |
1377138771 | 1377326833 | null | t5_2to41 | 54 | thatcreepyfootguy: TIFU by trying to stealthily take a photo of a cute neighbor's feet
This just happened 30mins ago.
So it's been a long day and I've been at work since 7:30am.
I had just gotten home and parked at my assigned parking spot in the underground garage at my apartment complex.
I start the long 50ft walk to the underground "lobby" which has our building's mailboxes and elevator. I hold the door open for a cute asian girl and inside the lobby is an even cuter red head white girl in short shorts and flip flops. In fact she's hot as fuck. I'd say at least 8.5/10. I have a huge foot fetish and I instantly notice her cute matching green toenails.
Now I have to explain that I regularly get my foot fetish indulged by various girls, and am not lacking in the foot action. Despite this, my fetish is always there at the back of my mind nagging at me like a little mind goblin.
So I press the elevator button, and begin my wait and try my damnedest to keep my eyes off of her feet. I don't want to get caught peepin'. While we're waiting another guy enters the lobby waiting for the elevator.
The elevator only holds about 6 people comfortably and we all file in as soon as the doors open. The hot redhead is standing directly across from me in the opposite corner. I don't know what possessed me, but I take my phone out and before I knew what I was doing I open the camera app point them at her feet and take a photo. I always have the flash off on my camera, since I hate the way it makes my photos look. I assumed that it was off like usual but noooooope. I recently updated my software on my phone and it'd restored all of the functions to stock.
The flash goes off and everyone is looking at me with WTF looks.
As soon as my floor comes up, I get the fuck out of there asap.
I fucked up.
I have become that creepy foot guy. I tried to take a creepshot of my neighbor's feet.
I've never done this before, and goddammit now I've perpetuated the stereotype about creepy foot guys.
I just hope I don't have to ride the elevator with any of them again..but that chance is next to zero.
FFBetaDragon: > red head white girl
Redundant.
burnafterreading91: have you been to the hood? [not necessarily redundant.](http://files.myopera.com/askmeificare345/albums/785519/000946-fat-overweight-black-woman-with-huge-red-hair-eating-kfc-chicken.jpg)
FFBetaDragon: Touche.
| 4 | 13.5 | |
1377151415 | 1377756222 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving my box o' toys out in plain view
Sooooo, I guess my first fuck up was giving my mother my spare key. She said it was a good idea in case I locked myself out, and listening to her was my second fuck up. As I was getting ready for work today, not expecting any company, I was jamming out and smoking a bowl as per ush, I heard someone walk in. Lo and behold, it was my brother and my mom, arms full of cleaning supplies and toiletries. They decided they would surprise me by coming over while I was at work and cleaning my apartment, which would be fantastic EXCEPT for the fact that I am a complete pot head slash slob and was NOT expecting any sort of company.
After barging in and starting their cleaning I totally forgot all about them as I was continuing getting ready for work....and that is when it had dawned on me, if they clean my room they will be in for a great surprise. The other night, I was feeling squirrley and decided to get out my box o' goodies AKA my fantastic B.O.B, and after having a fantastic time with myself, I passed out and left the vibrator and lube sitting on the night stand.
Remember that thing I had mentioned about being a slobby pot head? Well then, of course I hadn't put any of it away and that fact had eluded me until after they had started cleaning my room.
After coming to that realization, it was already too, too late. They were already in the full cleaning swing, when I burst in to my room proclaiming " I had to change my work clothes right now and they had to get out. " By then the damage had already been done...as they were shuffling out of my room, neither one of them would meet my eyes. I quickly "changed" my clothes, put my shoes on and bid them both adieu...I have not talked to either of them since and I think it might be awhile before I can.
TL;DR Got squirrely with sexy toys, got high and forgot to put them away. My Mom and brother will never look at me the same
Jarand4: listen mate, not talking to someone may help them forget, but in stead, surprize them whit a cleaning visit yourself, if you are lucky, they will relise how everybody have secrets and they will totaly understand, and by the way, dont fuck up and listen to me...
[deleted]: TIFU by listening to /u/Jarand4
| 3 | 10.666667 | |
1377172269 | 1377509857 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | xRandall: TIFU by taking my sister too literal.
This happened about 6 years ago. I was 10 when this happened. One night I was sitting on a couch with my sister and her son, my nephew (2 years old). I think we were watching tv together then suddenly my sister tells me, "I'm going to use the bathroom so just watch your nephew while I'm there". So once my sister got off the couch, my nephew got comfortable by laying on his back on the couch. Few seconds later, he was trying to get back up so he can sit properly to drink his milk. At the moment I was 'watching' him go through the process of getting up and he fell off. Our living room floor was polished wood so right when he hit the floor, he made a huge bang sound then he bursts into tears. My sister ran out of the bathroom and screamed, "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!" I replied "he fell". It all goes down hill from there. She screamed everything she said to me.
-I'M CALLING MOM
-I NEED TO CALL 911
-WHAT WERE YOU DOING
I ran to my room, slammed my door, crumched up on the floor and started crying. I started to think about what i've done there, it wasnt really smart of me. Eventually the firemen came and talked to my sister what happened, my nephew took a hit but nothing serious happened to him. He was fine later. Later I apologized to my sister and my nephew then everything went k. That day was the worst day of my life.
TDLR: I took my sister too literal by 'watching my nephew' and let him do whatever he wanted to and he hit his head on the floor badly.
inevitabled34th: A 16 year old Reddit user? Alright!!!
Monodiver: Yeah and I am fourteen
notalurker99: And I'm 13.
Rosaline_Luck: I'm only a fetus.
Why do you get to be older...? D=
| 5 | 3.4 | |
1377174380 | 1377206112 | null | t5_2to41 | 49 | NinetyTwo92: TIFU by thinking I could run a business and sent some VERY IMPORTANT people wrong sizes.
So I own and operate a small clothing line out of Grand Rapids, MI. Recently, a whole bunch of networking has landed me a few good connections with some important people. Most are B-list celebrities, athletes, and/or singers. I thought it would be a good idea to send these individuals little "gift" packages and samples of my clothing that they could wear out and about for promotional purposes.
So last week I sent out two gift packages. One to a football player in the Bay Area (SF) and one to singer in LA. The football player is a size XXL and the singer is a size Small. Somehow, when I was labeling the bags I swapped the labels and ended up shipping the giant football player a size small and the tiny pop singer a size XXL. This morning I got emails from both of their agents that I made a terrible mistake and sent them the wrong sizes.
Even though this is a mistake that happens often and I can fix, I fucking hate myself for the fact that this makes me and the business look bad. Also, I now have to pay the shipping fee for them to ship the shirts back and then a third shipping fee to send them the correct sizes. This is also going to create an unneeded hassle for them as well.
I'm well aware that maybe I could have suggested they ship the packages to eachother (especially since SF and LA are only about 4-5 hrs apart). However, at the time of me sending the e-mail I wanted to get the packages out of their hands as fast as possible and show them that I would correct the mistake myself.
TL;DR I swapped packages I was suppose to be sending to two different important recipients. Now I have to wait for the packages to come back, re-label them, pay some more shipping fees, and send them back.
depricatedzero: I just want to toss this out there:
> I'm well aware that maybe I could have suggested they ship the packages to eachother
That would have been a bigger fuck up. It's very unprofessional to defer customers to eachother.
NinetyTwo92: That's exactly why I didn't do it.
depricatedzero: That probably came out wrong. I mean to say, good on ya for not :D
| 4 | 12.25 | |
1377178306 | 1377212744 | null | t5_2to41 | 299 | Jelly_sandals: TIFU by drying my face with the toilet rag.
This morning, I walked into my bathroom to see the toilet filled to the brim with brown water... definitely a clog. I began the plunger-ing process, inadvertently spraying water all over the toilet seat and floor. When I was done, I grabbed a wash cloth that was nearby and wiped up the water then threw the towel on top of my laundry pile. I took a shower. Got out of the shower. I saw in the mirror that I had some extra face wash on my face, so I *accidentally grabbed the shit rag* from the top of the laundry pile and put it on my face. The minute I smelled that rag, I knew.
tl;dr: I had to take two showers this morning because I wiped my face with a rag covered in shit water.
hpliferaft: Well if you don't die, think of how you just gave your immune system a good workout.
ilikeeatingbrains: *Come on lymphos! And one, and two-get those cilia waving now!*
greenwinghero: But lymphocytes don't have cilia. They've got nothing to wave!
hpliferaft: Except their dicks.
| 5 | 59.8 | |
1377188926 | 1377364246 | null | t5_2to41 | 82 | guruchild: TIFU by drinking a dead mouse
The adventures. The memories. The unremembered. These are the days of my life. I'm somewhat of a beeraholic; the sudsy mayhem that my life finds on a daily basis would confound and apprehend the mind of even a lesser boozebag.
I don't know how it happened. It's been 3 days now, and I still can't wrap my head around it. Back up. I spend a lot of time in my garage, my mancave, my escape. I drink a lot of beer. 2 + 2 = half drunk empties, consistently populating the environs. I lay claim to the feat of having been so fucked up 3 days ago, I downed an abandoned opened beer which, apparently, contained a dead mouse. You'd think a beer wouldn't be strong enough to mask the decomposing, rotting carcass of a small rodent, but you'd be wrong. It wasn't until the last drink that something came unstuck from the side of the can and tickled my pie hole. Hello, mouse. Good beer. What, the? Fuck. Judgement? Blown. Inebriation? Check. Better swallow whatever the hell this is before this night gets worse.
ProblemPie: I think you need to quit drinking, man.
HAH just kidding.
guruchild: I upvoted you because I do not believe you were kidding.
ProblemPie: I was hoping my playful jest would strike a chord within you and lead to your courageous sobriety.
guruchild: Fuck sobriety. The stupidest things I have ever heard in my life came from the lips of moral crusaders. They're all fucked up beyond belief for betraying their humanity. For the ones that didn't turn out to be child molesters or murderers, the rest are equally condemned.
doctorcynicism: Well, I'll commend a lack of traditional morals, but what about your liver, bro?
guruchild: Had full tests done a few months ago. My liver is fine.
wolfkin: sounds like you're ready to go pro
| 8 | 10.25 | |
1377195354 | 1377215567 | null | t5_2to41 | 746 | [deleted]: TIFU Hooking up with a girl who had the crazy eyes.
Disclaimer: This happened in 2009 but i didn't know about Reddit then and my friends keep telling me to post this on here so...Here goes.
In 2009 I was in the Marine Corps. I was Corporal and was only doing four years so most of my weekends were spent out partying with my friends in Greenville or Wilmington. When we could we would go to Charleston, SC and party because the bars are always fun down there and the girls are GORGEOUS, So why wouldn't a young guy want to hang out down there?
This particular weekend we were getting a 96 (Holiday weekend, 96 hours of leave) and we decided that we wanted to go down there and party mainly because at the time we were into a band named Rebolution and they were playing that saturday night. We left Friday at around one in the afternoon to head down there, Me, Two other guy friends and three girls. We got down there and went to eat and decided to go back to our hotel to shower and get ready to go out. THe hotel we were staying in was a Holiday Inn over the waterfront and it basically was over two bridges, We showered and went out to the bars.
The night started out great! We hit a couple of bars and started drinking heavily, Just having a good time. We went to the concert and the night was just awesome. Next morning we are all getting up getting the day started and decided to eat and hit the bars early. We went to this place that had like icee alcohol machines and i was destroyed by six....That was when i met Emily. Emily was hot, Like really hot. I started up a conversation with this girl and everything's go great the whole time my friends are telling me to stay away she looks crazy man. Well, Emily and I decided to leave and go back to the hotel.
We get back and things are going good, Now...I couldn't for the life of me tell you why but my friend had Zip ties in his bag (Probably from a training OP or something) So me and this girl are hooking up and she gets an idea "Let me zip tie you!" Me, In my infinite wisdom and drunk state think that this is an awesome idea! It wasn't.
This girl gets me zip tied and starts getting a little rough...I don't mean smacking me and saying dirty things, I mean scratching me with her nails to the point im tearing up. Im in bed and kinda trying to play this off "Hey, Ohh that's cool but not so rough" I will never forget this... She beat the shit out of me...Hitting me with my belt, Smacking me and torturing me. I end up escaping from my room and she wouldn't leave...I slept in my friends room that night.
The next morning i get back in my room and she had stolen all of my clothes, My wallet , Cell phone and Anything else that was mine....
I rode back to Camp Lejeune in a women's Abercrombie Tank top and and girls cheerleading shorts because they were the only clean clothes left from the trip. My friends also stopped at every place they could along the way to make the trip extra special.
TL:DR: I got the shit beat out of me br a really hot girls in Charleston, South Carolina.
Bama011: Saw Rebelution play on the beach last year and it was an awesome show
BrandNewRival: Yeah man. I really enjoy them. A lot of people say negative things about them but they are pretty good.
IAMColbythedogAMA: I've never seen them live, but I like to listen to their music when I just want to chill.
BrandNewRival: They're awesome dude!
IAMColbythedogAMA: When I was stationed in Hawaii I would listen to them during cookouts on the beach. Nothing like a grill, the north shore, and some rebelution.
BrandNewRival: I was in Hawaii instructing here not to long ago and was surprised at how known they were there.
| 7 | 106.571429 | |
1377198496 | 1377269438 | null | t5_2to41 | 64 | Darkage096: TIFU By accidentally reminding a friend of his miscarriage.
Okay so I am a senior in high school. We have a friend I'll call him Berry. Who is married to a senior girl because he got her pregnant. Well about five months ago they miscarried and it was at the school a horrible thing. A shit storm, no teacher helped her... anyway they are still married and I like to give him shit for being married because we are 17. Y'know after time you forget about the miscarriage. Forget why they got married in the first place. Anyway we are in our english class and I always bring up that he's married as a joke. Well the teacher is writing about a story and writes on the board "Wife/daughter" I look at him and then say "You're only missing one of those." Because married people usually have kids... I didn't click until a minute later. I don't know if he caught it or not but he gave me the saddest look. I felt like the worst human being in the world.
AUTISTIC_PENIS: You're a fucking asshole you know that?
Darkage096: Only accidentally. Aren't we all at times?
BeachGirl87: Yes, but in this case you were. That's brutal.
| 4 | 16 | |
1377200712 | 1377253234 | null | t5_2to41 | 303 | FrankyFortress: TIFU by telling a 4 year old girl to take her shirt off
Today was supposedly one of the hottest days of the year, so i decided to bike around shirtless. I end up at a local park and bike past these 3 kids: 1 boy is around 7, another boy around 4, and a girl around 4. In the distance I hear a young voice exclaim what seems like the statement every human being is compelled to say when they see a shirtless male: "Put a shirt on!". I turn around and look at the group assuming it was the 7 year old boy who said it. Suddenly, compelled to respond, I say in (god knows why) a creepy undertone "Take your shirt off". As you've guessed, it wasn't the 7 year old boy, it was the 4 year old girl. I didn't understand it at first, but when their parents walked over to me and yelled that they were going to call the police it made a little more sense. I explained the situation and apologized profusely, and was barely able to convince them I wasn't a pedophile, but they said if they ever see me at the park again they'll call the police. Think it's a BIT of an overreaction, but I understand the necessity of protecting your children. Probably still going back to the park though.
barnacledoor: ~~That was really stupid. That was incredibly creepy to say to any strange children. You're a strange man riding a bike through a park with his shirt off who decided to stop and interact with young children in a creepy manner. You displayed all of the stereotypical pervert signs. How do you think they should've acted?~~
I still upvoted you though because I think this is a proper fuck up. So, you've got that going for you.
EDIT: dropped my comment about riding around shirtless. it's irrelevant to the creepiness at hand.
EDIT2: misread original post. didn't catch that OP was just responding to one of the kids. i'm an idiot.
Sykotron: I don't really feel it's very strange to see a guy doing something physical without his shirt on... but maybe we live on different planets.
FrankyFortress: We probably do, I usually get some comment every time.
GundamWang: I live in a small town, and there's always guys running around without shirts. They're usually literally running though. And wow, are they fucking ripped guys.
FFBetaDragon: Completely acceptable if they are
> fucking ripped guys
| 6 | 50.5 | |
1377203756 | 1377215228 | null | t5_2to41 | 0 | guruchild: TIFU by being sarcastic with a mentally-challenged co-worker
guruchild: Ugh. You people are fucking idiots. Please kill yourselves.
StraightoutaKansas: I don't think you should come here anymore
guruchild: I will, but I hope you won't. Fucking smug anonymous assfuck. Suck shit, motherfucker, I can use cuss words and not lose any sleep, and I mean them. I guess you could say, things are pretty serious.
| 4 | 0 | |
1377197674 | 1377539313 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | jacoballen22: TIFU by Getting Folded During Squats.
Okay, so I quit my job last month due to sciatica, I proceeded to applying for jobs. I finally have an interview set up for this Saturday.
I had to get help from my parents to get my car out of the body shop from an accident I had a few months ago.
My power got shut off Thursday and has yet to be turned back on. Family decides to go to a hotel. I decide to stay. My girlfriend had just left after dinner to go home. I'm all alone at my house, hot as hell with plenty of energy.
So, my girlfriend encourages me to go to the gym. I convince myself it's a good idea. My car has a vacuum leak so it tends to randomly shut off during idling.
I leave to gym. Feel pretty good about what I'm doing. I've been known to hurt myself some way or another when I'm alone with good intentions.
I get to the gym, go in, do yoga, run for about 10 minutes. Proceed to do squats since my legs are probably my weakest body part? (Chicken legs)
So I find the bar cushion first, strap it on. Do a few reps with just the bar. Increase to 135, then 225. Everything is good. Put two more plates of 25 on. 275. I do 8 reps and it was pretty hard.
Foolishly add 50 more lbs to get to 325. I have no spotter and I attempted. Ass to the grass, 90 degree for my knees and my body kept going down. I'm scared now thinking, "Omg I'm gonna snap my fucking spine!" Bar goes all the way down to the floor.
NOTE; WAS an assisted bar where you can turn the bar and it will be racked but didn't have time to react.
So I quickly get up in excruciating pain in my lower back. Go to a bench and lay down. Staff gives me ice for my back and checks out my back. No burning or tingling, just hurts really bad with spasms.
Staff explains how he broke his back before so that I definitely didn't do that. They help me up and I am able to walk out to my car and leave back home.
So I went home took 3 ibuprofen and rested my back. I feel better today but pain still there a bit. Needless to say, I'll never squat without a spotter again. It all came down to me asking and I didn't do it.
End note: I'm 125lbs and I should be good for my interview :(
Bluntwrap: Knew where this was going after bar cushion.
I call my bar cushion "traps."
jacoballen22: Traps? How so? I mean it prevents me from putting too much pressure on my neck. Does is it negative to use it?
Johnthephotographer: pro-tip. you dont put the bar on your damn neck. and toss out the pussy pad.
jacoballen22: There is no comfortable way to execute the exercise then is there? It was resting on my traps and slightly on the back of my neck.
Johnthephotographer: Well, yeah big weight on your back isn't a walk in the park, but I guess I don't see how it's on your neck. Shelf with the traps and set it there. I can't even imaging putting that much weight on my back with that stupid pad.
If its so horrible for you look into low bar squats.
Ditch the smith machine too.
jacoballen22: I used to smith machine to prevent injury lol fuck me right?
Johnthephotographer: Pretty much. It's a horrible machine that doesn't allow you to move in a proper motion. Use a squat rack, power cage, etc. in fact, had you not used a smith machine and used a proper squat rack you wouldn't have "folded yourself"
jacoballen22: It completely surprised me because I thought the sole purpose was for stability..boy was I wrong. It was shocking because my legs didn't give out, my abdominal didn't give out. But trying to do ass to grass threw off my Balance completely.
Johnthephotographer: If you lost your balance you probably have mobility issues and or a weak posterior chain. Either way for sake of all things holy, smith machines should only be used to hold your towel while you are off doing man things.
jacoballen22: I believe I just dipped too low..so definitely my stabilizer muscles.
| 11 | 1 | |
1377219910 | 1377290984 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,501 | el-silencio: TIFU by slapping an asian lady on the bus, in the face with my boner.
I was riding the bus home this morning after working a 12-hour night shift without much sleep before work. I did what I usually do on the ride home, which consists of alternating between passing out and waking up every thirty seconds or so. For some reason the combination of falling asleep and the vibrations from sitting over the rear wheel of the bus commissioned a rigid, throbbing, leaning tower of mushroom meat in my pants. I woke up after a middle aged, southeast Asian lady occupied the seat next to me, her legs awkwardly touching mine and her breast rubbing against my arm with every pothole as we shared a seat in the confined rear corner of this stinking vessel for the disabled and vehicularly challenged.
I panicked. My stop was approaching and I was battling a trouser dragon which I could not slay. Her unintended grinding and the bumpy road certainly did not help my cause. I considered riding the bus all the way around town until my man steak returned to medium rare, but this was not an option as I had to be home to let my girlfriend in, who did not yet have a key to the apartment.
So I pressed the button to signal the driver to stop, planning in detail how I would exit the bus without alerting my fellow passengers to the angle of my dangle. I would put my backpack in front of my junk, stand up, and walk out the back door. The perfect crime.
**Where I fucked up:** As I stood up, I dropped my bag. No fear, I thought, her satellites haven't detected my surface-to-air missile yet, I will just bend over and pick up my knapsack and carry on. So I did, I bent over, inadvertently tucking my cock rocket back behind my legs. As soon as I retrieved my back pack and stood up, I noticed she was getting up from her seat. Too late. Wrong place, wrong time, one inch too far. In a cruel twist of fate, the instant she arose from her seat, my beef torpedo launched from between my legs and slapped her square in the jaw. Fucking track pants allowed maximum velocity, too. Nothing but jeans from now on.
I was off the bus and running for my life before I had a chance to witness the look of horror that was undoubtedly pasted on her face. I am never riding that bus again. *Never.*
edited for grammar
[deleted]: Whatever happened to sticking your hand in your pocket and holding it?
abelcc: Or just tuck it in your waistband.
Calvertorius: Yes, i thought every teen learns this lifesaving tip.
ATyp3: In Florida we call it the *Texas* Tuck.
Mudbloods4Voldemort: Is this because Texans have such huge dicks that they constantly walk around erect and must tuck their dicks into their waistbands? Yes, I'm sure this is the reason you named it that.
butter_my_fingers: As a Texan, yeah let's go with this reasoning...
exxplosiv: Also a Texan. Can confirm.
Pocket_Sandd: 3rd confirming Texan.
SometimesMonkey: FYI: two were women
Mudbloods4Voldemort: I'm the OP for the statement every Texan is confirming. I am also a female Texan and I confirm the statement I stated originally.
SometimesMonkey: Heh. Too subtle.
| 12 | 208.416667 | |
1377251523 | 1377358262 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by corrupting every single file on my computer
I was sitting at my computer and in my chair deciding if I wanted to play some Call of Duty. So of course I say yes and it's not starting , I thought this was strange so I had ejected the disc and tried again but that didn't seem to work either, mind boggled I am I try to go and start it up in the actual folder. I found the actual program file and decided to open that up which wasn't working either, I then tried to open the file with the default program and then I accidentally had clicked "Always open programs in this type format from now on" or something before hand and all my programs went corrupted and there is no way to turn them back to the original format and now if I click the original program back to the format it gets corrupted too and now I have no idea how to change it back, I've tried so many things I could think of all of them not working. Any ideas?
Edit: We got there in the end, thanks to thetoastmonster and his links
DyslexicPuppy: i fucked up my laptop in november and my friend just got around to fixing it recently and he's supposed to get it back to me this next week.. i lost 20,000+ songs, a bunch of movies, every single file, etc... so fucking pissed. my buddy had to clear everything to get it running again, everything got corrupted from whatever i had done. so depressed.
sue-dough-nim: I fucked up my laptop in 2009-ish by being angry at my mother. We got into non-physical arguments often back then over stupid things. Needless to say, this was one of those occasions.
I went up to my room, she said something, I said something back, and hit my laptop with my fist in anger. It happens to be the part where the hard drive was. It slowly failed over the next four days... I guess I deserved it, but it was the perfect opportunity to get a bigger hard drive. Back then, I backed things up, so I was safe, except for about 2500 songs. My sister had many of the same songs, thankfully.
DyslexicPuppy: damn props on you. i need to invest in a separate hdd here shortly but idk which one would be ideal for a macbook pro.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1377266893 | 1377270005 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by messing with a girl and pissing off her Navy Seal brother.
Disclaimer: This happened in 2009 but i didn't know about Reddit then and my friends keep telling me to put these stories here. I posted my first story yesterday and people kinda liked it so i told my friends if it did well i would post another on.
In 2009 I was in the Marine Corps. I was a Corporal and only doing four years in so most of my time was spent partying with my friends in the various towns around Camp Lejeune....Wilmington, Greenville, NC...And occasionally we would head to Charleston, SC.
In 2009 I had recently come off an Iraq deployment, There wasn't a lot going on in Iraq where I was so most of our time when not out on a patrol was spent in the gym. I had went on this deployment a skinny 20 year old and came back a still skinny somewhat stronger 21 year old. I had a little more confidence than i did when i had left and finally being of legal age i was psyched for 2009.
Before i get balls deep into this story, Let me tell you a little bit about 2009. I got back from Iraq in the holiday season of 2008 and was deploying to Afghanistan in late 2009. My focus of the year was to have a great time, Party, Make memories with my friends. We were hearing stories of a lot of bad stuff in Afghanistan so I really wanted to live it up, This is why 2009 was a great year for me.
I had just completed a pretty hard school the Marine Corps had to offer and i had survived it and made it. I lost some weight and had just got my ass kicked for then weeks so when i got back my friends were all waiting to surprise me. We went to Wilmington and hit some bars on a thursday night and in the night we made plans for Charleston, I was reluctant because of my last experience in Charleston but my friends assured me that nothing would happen like last time and me thinking they were right, Was all about it!.
Friday before cutting out of work and heading to Charleston, I talked to a girl back home who had a friend that went to C of C and gave her my number so we could meet up with her in Charleston. We joked for a while and she told me not to get into trouble like the last time. (All of my friends knew about the crazy eyes girl) So, Me and my friends took off to Charleston for the weekend and got checked in to the Holiday Inn that we stayed in last time.
That night we went out and started on the bars and hit Wet Willies (Thanks guys!) Before dark. We hit bar after bar and were having a great time. We ended up meeting an older couple who found out we were military about us a lot of shots, American Honey?....So this particular bar in Charleston was kinda small but i remember it was very well lit, Very bright and there were two guys playing live music that i could swear have passed for Darius Rucker from hootie and the blowfish, They were even playing hootie songs.
We met up with Sarah (Back home friends friend) kinda late but not too late and she had about six girls with her so my friends were thrilled. Sarah, Had her boyfriend with her and that was cool she brought friends. I was immediately attracted to one of Sarah's friends named Amber. Beautiful girl, I made my way over to her and started a conversation and ya know being super smooth and all, She was loving it....At least that's what i thought considering how drunk i was. She was pretty cool with me considering i was a babbling about everything in the world, Every time i would get close to her this dude would cockblock me and lead her away from me. I finally decided to say something. Now this guy, He wasn't huge a little shorter than me but stocky, A wrestler's build but we were both in equal size muscle wise (At least that's what drunk brain was telling me) I could totally take this guy! My friends were like, "I don't know bro, I wouldn't pick a fight with him or anything." My friends were all big too and they had my back......(I'm really not a fighter but i would if it came down to it) Finally i go and say something to this guy and i remember the short conversation vividly. "BRO!, I'm kinda talking to her, Do you mind?!" to which he replies "You can leave my sister alone man." He was calm and actually asked me nicely, I was just a drunken idiot. So Amber makes her way over to me and is talking to me and is telling me not to worry about her brother he just being protective and he's there visiting on leave from the military. Naturally i ask what branch and she tells me NAVY. I blew it off, Whatev....The night goes by and and me and Amber are hitting it off rather nicely. Early in the morning i ask for her number and she invites me back to her place. We ended up getting a ride from one of her friends that was with one of my friends. Well, On the way back we are talking about things and her brother comes up...I was telling her about him giving me evil looks all night and she tells me not to worry about him. I ask her what her brother does in the Navy and she says "Nothing crazy, He's gone a lot training and stuff like that though." I don't know to this day if this girl knew her brother was a Seal or she just didn't want to tell me.
We get back to her place and were going at it, My drunk has kinda eased off by this point and i notice something doesn't feel right...We were still in the foreplay portion of everything and something wet was all over my hands, stomach and chest...Something clicked in my head and i know that something is wrong. We pause so i can turn on a light and that's when she sees me.....Embarrassed for her sets in and she makes a mad dash for the bathroom and im standing there in my boxers like "WTF?" Then i notice...Im covered in blood. I didn't even know this was possible but i guess she had started her period. As im standing there, With blood all over me i notice she has one of those picture collage's in her room and one picture was glowing. I walk over to it and its her, With im guessing her parents and her brother....Her brother is wet and had a big gold Trident on his chest. Now, If there is one thing in the entire military any other military guy can spot, Its the Navy Seal Trident. I also found out later that when a Navy Seal graduates from training and they get that gold Trident they go swimming or something along those lines.
I'm looking at other pics in her room and start to notice that her brother is a lot bigger than me. This dude is jacked...Finally im like "Amber...ugh..is your brother a Navy Seal?" (I already knew but i guess i was hoping she would say no.) "Yeah, He is...Didn't think it was too big of a deal, You can let yourself out if you want. I will send you a message on FB later." Ok...Im standing here. Blood all over me.
I go in the kitchen and start trying to wash myself off when Amber's roommates come in and they see me standing there, Blood all over me and they flip the fuck out. They probably thought i had just murdered their friend. So i just leave before anything else happens.
Im making my way out, Down the stairs and Im leaving as fast as i can, Going through my phone calling anyone and everyone to come get me when i meet her brother walking in. We both just kind of stopped, Looking at each other. He sees me covered in blood and rushes me....At this point i panic and out of ideas i decide to punch him. I hit this guy right in the forehead. Didn't do anything to him.
This guy proceeds to beat the hell out of me. I'd like to say i got a few good punches in but it just wouldn't be true. This dude kicked my ass. BAD. Knocks me out...I wake up a few mins later and he's gone. Guess he stopped beating me after i went limp....
I just start walking..Covered in period blood, My own blood and tired and now in pain i was depressed...I made it to a fountain in Charleston that over looks the water and there is like a battleship on the other side of the water. the sun is coming up and im kinda trying to wash myself off.
A cop sees this a rolls up on me, Luckily i wasn't drunk anymore. He sees me and asks me if i had been robbed. I sit down on the fountain and the cop walks over to me....I tell this cop everything that happened. I honestly don't think he believed me to this day but takes me back to my hotel.
I get upstairs get a shower and besides my face being swollen my chest and back are hurting. I wrapped myself in hotel towels. My friends come back and find me like this and want to take me to the hospital. You know its bad when Marines want to take you to the hospital. We decided to take me back to base so our corpsman can look at me. He tells me to go to the hospital.
I end up with two fractured eye sockets, A broken rib, Dislocated shoulder and a fractured ankle. Amazingly...Nothing broken.
My Sergeant Major and Battalion Commander catch wind of this, Luckily i had an awesome command at the time. We were having a battalion formation that monday because some training was getting ready to start. He calls me up in front of everyone and they hear my story. Despite all of the pain i was in, It was hilarious. This would be the first time i would be in front of my battalion for getting my ass kicked that year.
TL;DR: I got my ass kicked by a navy seal and didn't even get laid.
[deleted]: you already posted this.
BrandNewRival: No it's different.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1377246038 | 1377272976 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | M4ntr1d: TIFU by trying to pick a desk lock with a paperclip.
Lock isn't broken but the paperclip is now stuck. Two seconds into this maneuver, I realized it was a bad decision, and already too late to fix. Goddamnit. Always on Friday, too...
brosenqui: yank it out with some pliers.
or just replace the lock. if it's just like a cabinet lock on a desk it's no big deal but if it's a door lock; you dun goofed.
M4ntr1d: Overhead cabinet lock for my buddy's cubicle.
Took my boss's boss two seconds to fish it out by pressing a pin in the middle of the chamber that I couldn't press down. They laughed and I felt like a colossal moron. Luckily nothing more was said.
Lesson learned: leave my hobby at home and use the right tools.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1377271447 | 1377610270 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,105 | xxsavage_mikexx: TIFU by asking my boss to vine me her titties.
This literally just happened. My wife and I both have discovered vine recently and I have been trying to get her to make some adult content for weeks. This morning after some banter I convinced her to, later in the day do it. So I get to work set up my station and text my boss that I am up and running as I do every morning. It was then I remembered my wife's promise, so I shoot her a text " hey how about you vine me some titties" I hit send. It was this moment I relized I had't actually switched screens and just sent it to my boss. My very attractive female boss... I immidiatly hit delete, but not fast enough. I told her my wife saved her new cell under her name on accident and She said it was ok but i am shitting my self right now.
I included my screen cap for proof
http://i.imgur.com/P0FCrxp.jpg
ZannX: So... what if she takes you up on it?
xxsavage_mikexx: If my wife takes me up on it, i'm posting it on reddit
If my boss takes me up on it, i'm getting a raise, and then posting it on reddit
newsedition: Which is why your wife will never take you up on it.
Fgmaniac: Not with that negativity!
newsedition: OP's wife will want the karma for her pics on GW to go to her account, not her hubby's.
xxsavage_mikexx: Haven't convinced her to post there either... Yet
Moonwalkinkittie: Get to convincing then! I have yet to see this groveling. What do I get in return?
xxsavage_mikexx: Hundreds of upvotes on reddit?
Moonwalkinkittie: Yea no, could give a crap about that, what are you doing for me, tonight ;-)
xxsavage_mikexx: Whatever it takes to get you to post boobs to gonewild and link here, for the people
VinSwift: This man right here represents the American dream.
Moonwalkinkittie: You sir get an upvote for the laugh I just got from that lol.
SomeoneInThisTown: Are you really his wife?
Moonwalkinkittie: For the past 7 years far as I know
asmorbidus: How do we know you're not both the same person?
Moonwalkinkittie: That would make having a 2 year old daughter together rather complicated?
Moonwalkinkittie: Yup for a grand total of 14 years together, then I married this amazingly gifted man 7 years ago, and we had our first and only child almost 3 years ago now. And after 72 hours of natural labor I'm fairly certain I'm female, so that would make me the wife last time I checked the English dictionary?
| 18 | 61.388889 | |
1377278279 | 1377414716 | null | t5_2to41 | 993 | creepycreepercreepin: TIFU by having an accidental orgasm while shaving my legs.
Earlier today, I hopped in the shower in preparation for an awesome double date night with my girlfriend, my best friend, and her boyfriend. In anticipation of some possible sexytimes, I began the process of achieving silky smooth legs. Now, my shower isn't the roomiest. I can't go a day without causing mass destruction of shampoo bottles while trying to reach for the body wash. Shaving is usually a bit of a challenge in there. This is further complicated when you factor in back problems. So here I am, my leg hiked up on the shower wall, looking like some russian gymnast, shaving my leg. I finish with the right, after some careful balancing and maneuvering, and begin to move on to the left. I shift around, testing different positions for best access. Finally, after a good two minutes of moving around, I find the prime stance. And it just so happened to be the stance where the water was being launched straight at my crotch. All of you ladies will understand the glories of showerheads. They're wonderful, wonderful things. Unless you can't move them or, in my strange case, need to shave your legs. And so the battle began. It became a race between my shaving abilities and my orgasm control. Much to the amusement of my girlfriend, I lack willpower when it comes to the second. I get halfway through shaving the lower half of my leg when I know exactly what's about to go down: Me. I lost my balance, began to slip, and in my pathetic throws of showerhead violation-induced passion, ended up smacking my head into the wall. So now, here I sit, a bag of frozen veggies soothing the lump on my head, and half of a fuzzy leg.
UNOHUIR: Although i have heard of autoerotic asphyxiation i have never heard of autoerotic concussion. Does they both produce similar experiences? Which one is safer?
meowmixxed: My fiance headbutted me in the face during sex once. Concussions are never erotic.
SinlordAzmodan: In the face, seems like that may not of caused a concussion, I have to rule this myth as: Plausible.
meowmixxed: Third major concussion. It was real! I almost had to drop out of grad school. Had to quit both of my jobs.
SinlordAzmodan: How does one headbutt that damn hard?
meowmixxed: He came down, I came up. As he was com*ing*. I've had two concussions so I guess the third came easier? Idk I was all fucked up though.
jorwyn: You said face, but was the majority of the contact actually on your forehead? It's totally possible to get a concussion that way, but not as much via the cheekbone, nose, or jaw.
flanders427: As somebody who has fallen on my face quite a bit, jaw concussions are entirely possible
jorwyn: You're right; they are entirely possible. They are caused by the lower jaw being forced back into the skull at the temporalmandibular joint. That's why mouth guards are so important to wear in sports, especially ones likely to create a blow from the underside of the jaw. While it can happen during sex, it's not terribly likely to be coming from that angle at the speed required to create a concussion. (That said, I've suffered a lot of accidental injuries from sex, so I wouldn't rule *anything* out completely at this point. I am NOT a graceful person.)
flanders427: Oh it was definitely my jaw, my chin and teeth were evidence enough for that. It was my fault for not wearing my mouth guard to the bar that night. Also I have had quite a few concussions so they come a little bit easier for me.
jorwyn: LOL
I don't think I've ever considered mouth gear necessary for bar trips, but given my lack of coordination, perhaps it's not a bad idea.
I'd have quite a few.
My very first from falling off a laundrymat table onto a concrete floor as a kid. Yes, I knew how to unbuckle my carrier, but not how to stay on a table, apparently.
A couple from my sister hitting me really hard on the skull with things as a kid.
One from falling off a swing she and I tried to make head first onto a rock, getting up, having the swing hit me on the back of the head, and send me back at said rock. 2 concussions at once!
One from a baseball to the side of the head playing on the lawn with my friends.
One from the stupidest car "accident" ever. I didn't hit anything. The shop had left the override on, and the car was in drive instead of park. I was an idiot and didn't have my foot on the break when I started the car, lurched forward, slammed on the brake, impacted the steering wheel with my forehead hard enough to bruise the bone.
One from a cast iron skillet falling off the top shelf of a cabinet onto my head.
One from a drunk guy smashing a heavy beer mug into my forehead because I wouldn't give his keys back.
One or two playing rugby as a teenager.
And a really mild one from a skateboarding accident at 14 that convinced mom to buy me a helmet.
I'm 38 now, and working really hard on not repeating any of those or inventing any new ways to manage a concussion. Sex, I truly hope, is never one of them, ever.
*Edited, because it's "brake" not "break."*
And adding: Having a concussion does not make it easier to sustain another. Living the kind of life (sports, fighting, getting drunk enough not to be able to walk well more than once, etc) that is likely to cause concussions does, though. Wrong causation, there.
flanders427: Yeah mine are pretty dumb as well.
The first one that I can remember is when I was doing flips onto a gymnastics mat and rolled head first into the cinder block wall.
the second and third were both from baseball. one was at first base and I caught a liner at 1st base with my head, the other was when I took my eye off of a throw to first. I stopped playing 1st shortly after that one
I got hit with a golf club once, that sucked.
The dumbest one was when I was at a party at a friends house the first day they moved in. They hadn't gotten the power hooked up yet so it was dark. They also had about a 2 foot drop off from the lawn to the driveway. So my roomate and I were wandering around the yard drunk and all of the sudden I was face down on the driveway. (and apparently my asshole friends let me walk home and pass out after that one)
The next two were from smashing my head on cabinets that were left open
And the most recent one was when there was an argument over who had called shotgun after the bars had closed. So while racing to the car my roomate (different one), shoved me as I reached the car. I started stumbling thought I had my balance and then went chin first into the ground. I chipped my front tooth and had the mother of all headaches in the morning.
I have also never gotten one during sex, and I really don't want to see if it is possible
| 13 | 76.384615 | |
1377278192 | 1377383693 | null | t5_2to41 | 68 | circlemarker: TIFU by leaving a "wing-mark" of my morning wetness on my parent's kitchen chair cushion
I woke up this morning next to my boyfriend having slept over at my house. Woke up with morning wetness and by defult not given much thought of it since it's a normal thing to me. We had breakfast with my sister and had a very amusing conversation resulting in plenty of laughter. The sweater I wore made me sweat bullets, it was very warm in the kitchen since my mom frozen the previous day and drawn up the raidiator temprature.
I had to get up to go to the bathroom but instead of going and making my business I found myself staring at a horrible starshaped mark made by my pussy. Damn it I had accidentaly pushed out my wetness by laughing so hard and covered my labias with it successfully marking the poor kitchen chair cushion.
I was mortified: my boyfriend and sister laughed at me. To add to the awkwardness: today is my younger sister's 17th birthday so this won't be forgotten easily. Luckily did my sister not realize it was wetness since I exclamed how awkward it was that I'd had so much sweat on my inner thighs that it stained the cushion. My boyfriend was a different deal thoe, he just laughed his ass off. I wanted to clean it up but since my the whole family is going to visit tonight to celebrate my sister I realized that I couldn't make it in time. So... awkwardly enough one of my relatives will sit on the other side of the cushion that has my wing mark under it.
Conclusion made, I will never skip my pre-breakfast bathroom visit ever again.
**tl;dr:** Vag stamp on cushion
coolguyblue: Being a guy, this made no sense to me. I didn't know girls got morning wetness.
JustAnotherLondoner: Being a girl, me neither.. O.o
coolguyblue: You're making me more confused!
JustAnotherLondoner: I've never heard of morning wetness before!
| 5 | 13.6 | |
1377221888 | 1377544143 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | FucktasticPen15: TIFU when I substituted hydraulic fluid for brake fluid
The master cylinder went without warning after a week, and my CJ-7 almost rear ended a minivan at a stop sign
master_blast3r: fool! hydraulic fluid is way, way to viscous for that.
FucktasticPen15: My options were either that or air
DJzrule: Would you put water in your gas tank......? Just because its a liquid doesn't mean they are ANYWHERE near the same.
FucktasticPen15: I fucked up
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1377279534 | 1377455848 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | Amorythorne: TIFU by accidentally taking a road trip to Maine.
I meant to go from my grandparents' house in Mass to my own house near Concord, New Hampshire, but apparently I missed an exit somewhere and didn't realize until I saw a big "Welcome to Maine!" sign. How did I manage to miss NH??
InebriatedQuail: Easy, you went straight up 95 for some incredibly strange reason. Probably blanked on the turnoff for 101 West. Unsure of how you didn't see a massive fucking bridge and think, "Oh, that's not supposed to be there," but hey, we all have those days.
Amorythorne: I'd like to give some sort of semi-valid excuse, but I've got nothing :(
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1377285788 | 1377304838 | null | t5_2to41 | 36 | texas_pride: TIFU By Using The Urinal
TLDR - Went to the head, dude next to me excessively shook his snake and slung his urine onto my hand.
So, I am at work when my bladder sends that little message to my brain to indicate its ready to be emptied. To the head (WC/bathroom) I go. In the head are two urinals with a privacy divider in between. A gentleman is all ready using one, so I pull up in front to the other and start my business. Certain sounds are inevitable and its clear the other guy is done. A rather loud audible shaking sound is heard then I felt something on my hand. I look down and realized the guy just shook his snake so damn hard that he slung **at least** one drop of his urine over the privacy barrier - and it landed on my hand!! What. The. Fuck???
I look over to the guy and exclaimed (loudly), "Dude, you don't have to shake your snake so damn hard that it's neck breaks. You just slung piss on me over here." There was a dead silence while this guy seemed to think of something to say. He mutters "sorry" and hastily leaves out of the head - without washing his hands. After he left, it also occurred to me that I had not heard a re-zipping of his pants - so ... i hope is is not flashing anyone.
RampantNipples: TIFU by accidentally slinging some of my piss on a stranger at the urinals.
texas_pride: You bastard!!!!
| 3 | 12 |
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