start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
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value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1377290994 | 1377303840 | null | t5_2to41 | 62 | BBoxall: TIFU by sleepwalking
First of all, sorry for any formatting errors or spelling mistakes.
Early this morning (probably 2/3 ish) I had awoken to find myself with my hairbrush covered in toothpaste and lots of pain in my teeth. I brushed my teeth with my hairbrush guys. I had hair in my braces and everything. All of this was done **in my sleep**. Other than that today has gone pretty normal, and my teeth still hurt from what I have done. I'm pretty ashamed of myself reddit, I dun goofed.
Lordbungus: So.......you don't clean your brush be it hair or tooth after each use?
BBoxall: No I do, but still
| 3 | 20.666667 | |
1377300673 | 1377445030 | null | t5_2to41 | 67 | enstaka: TIFU by talking to a dying cancer patient
This happened to me last year, and I will never forget it...
I went to the hospital to see a young guy that was dying from cancer... It was the first time I was seeing him ill, but I wasn't expecting to see him that bad...
So when I entered the room, I was shocked seeing him so thin and ill, that I didn't know what to say... The first thing that came out of my mouth was "Is everything ok with you?". As soon as I said it... I just noticed what I was asking... Of course he wasn't ok!! He was dying...
The stupid things we say when we are supposed to be comforting... At least I think he liked me being there...
CaliforniaKong: Buddy you went to see him. You can't fuck that up. Visit him as much as you can. Hospitals/Hospices suck.
enstaka: I can't visit him anymore... :(
CaliforniaKong: I'm sorry for your loss. It will be ok.
| 4 | 16.75 | |
1377321161 | 1377554636 | null | t5_2to41 | 631 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my co-worker that her best friend is ugly
So I do theatre and I was recently cast in a one-act play. In said play, my character is on a date with another girl, and we're required to kiss sensually a few times during the play. The girl that was cast as my date is...shall we say, quite homely. She's quite large and doesn't dress right for someone her size, and she also has gross teeth. It is very difficult to act as though I'm attracted to this girl, let alone make out with her. So I was lamenting my trouble to a co-worker today. My co-worker was laughing along as I'm describing the horrific experience of kissing this girl, so like a fucking professional stand-up comic, I bust out some material about how bad her breath is and congratulate myself on my charm and wit. But then said co-worker says 'hey, my best friend does theatre and she's in a one-act too'. Immediately I start shitting myself internally, but I try to maintain my composure and reassure myself that plenty of girls do theatre. But co-worker pulls up the Facebook of her best friend. Sure enough, and to my horror, it's the aforementioned homely girl who for the past 2 weeks has been the bane of my existence. I somehow manage to maintain my poker face and say "oh, that's cool", all the while knowing that in two weeks when we perform the play and co-worker is there to support her bestie, all will be lost.
[deleted]: She already knows her friend is gross. I have a couple girl friends who are pretty unattractive and I know it. One is really bad. Sometimes we have to force her to shower before we go places with her. She just doesn't have proper social awareness.
So yeah, she already knows. Don't sweat it too much.
Awkward_moments: Me and my male friend was talking to our female friends. The two of us decided all girls think there friends are wayyy more attractive than they are. "Awww look at my friend XXX, isnt she reallly pretty here?"
"um no not really"
"You saying shes ugly?"
"ummmm ... no. but shes nothing special"
Its worse when you get a "want me to set up up with her?"
"god no. I mean um no its ok thanks. That would probably be weird, you know shes your friend and what ever" *walks away*
UndergroundLurker: The fact that they want to set you up with their friend implies two things:
1) They have an obligation to try to convince you that the friend is attractive (even if they don't think so).
2) If they thought you were up to their standards, they wouldn't be trying to set you up with their friend who* they already think is less pretty than themselves.
Not always, but girls can be vicious in their opinions of each other.
Awkward_moments: Well we was doing this with housemates and close friends. So I know my friends more than my friends know these girls in question. I doubt they would look for a guy for them and think of me.
This happened when we was looking at photos randomly and my friend was mentioning stories and being like "aww i love that dress on her dont you think its nice?"
"im a dude remember? Its a dress, its ok I guess"
"Well she looks so pretty in it, dont you think shes pretty?"
After me and my male friend convinced our friend that her friend wasnt a 10/10 we stated asking her to show us her pretty friends. Seeing as we was on facebook anyway it was easy.
Saicotic: >Seeing as we was on facebook anyway it was easy.
>Seeing as we was on facebook
>Seeing as we was
>we was
>**we was**
>**WE WAS**
Awkward_moments: Ah its not an English test the message was the important bit.
Saicotic: I hate that mindset. "It's not an English test, so why should I bother with remotely correct spelling and grammar?" If you don't care enough about what you're saying to articulate it clearly, maybe you shouldn't bother saying it at all.
Awkward_moments: Effort like init? Was you one of those people that refused to text like everyone else and instead had to spend 3 times as long replying?
Chris-P: You're saving roughly 10 seconds of your time at the expense of how other people perceive how intelligent you are.
Awkward_moments: I believe my knowledge and understanding is a better indication of my intelligence. So the message is more important than the delivery.
People that use pointless large words, when there are adequate smaller words available piss me off. How i take that is, those people that try to act smarter than they are. Obviously they arnt uneducated, but a large vocabulary doesnt mean their message is better than others. Well in matters unrelated to the english language.
Plus i know my friends (who i text in the old phone days), they arnt going to think im stupid because i dont use full words. But if i refuse to text like everyone else they might think i believe myself to be better than them. On a related note, informal messages get my informal typing. Its largely like how I would speak informally, comes out more naturally.
Chris-P: Do you know the difference between grammar and vocabulary?
Awkward_moments: Yes but I thought we was talking about the English language, and its use over the internet. I didnt think the conversation was completely focused on grammar. Therefore I mentioned that people using a pointless large vocabulary piss me off. I care about the ease of reading, and in affect the ease to understand the message. Im not going to argue a poorly written message is as good as well written message. Thats not what I mean, what I mean is that if the message is easy to read and understand thats all that matters. Unfamiliar words have the effect of making the whole thing harder to understand.
Chris-P: > I care about the ease of reading, and in affect the ease to understand the message
Then you might want to use correct grammar and spelling.
Awkward_moments: If you keep reading, I explain everything.
| 15 | 42.066667 | |
1377364102 | 1377406744 | null | t5_2to41 | 197 | FrostySack: TIFU by taunting a disabled person
TL;DR - I put this up here to make you think I'm considerate. Read the fucking story.
This happened last night but I've had some kind of paralyzing shame until now. My brother works at a sales job and the last Friday of every month they have a big drink up at the bar near their office. It's an open bar to pretty much anyone who says, "oh yeah, I'm with the company." So I usually end up showing up and we hang out and get super drunk. Nothing in this world feels quite as amazing as getting sloppy for free.
This night my brother and I were being our usual jackass selves to each other: one of us would go grab a round of shots and chasers (usually the High Life, we keep it classy). And the jackassery is that we always try to get a worse shot than the last one. So we went Jack, Don Julio, Lunazul, Wild Turkey (gobble gobble), Old Crow. And a beer with each to boot.
It was at this point that it was my turn to go to the bar. I order two shots of Midori, which I thought would have won the game, to which a very cute girl says, "double fisting, huh? Bold." Or something to that effect. I give her my most dapper smile and say, "Well God gave me two hands for a reason." It was around that time that my eyes made their customary once over of this girl's body, and it was a great body too, until they stopped very suddenly.
This girl only had one hand.
This girl, who I had actually met before at one of these drink ups, was born with one hand and one nub. I stood there just shellshocked for a second and then went into Super Apologizer Mode. I did everything short of prostrating myself in front of her. To my incredible luck, she had lived through 28 years of this sort of thing and was a very good sport about it. I offered to buy her a drink and that eventually diffused the tension (open bar, remember), but the rest of the night, everyone who was within earshot looked at me like I was a damn serial killer.
[deleted]: TL;DR - I put this up here to make you think I'm considerate. Read the fucking story. - Fuck you too then. Didn't bother reading.
craftyPseudonym: Then don't bother commenting, either.
[deleted]: Nope. Somehow I found time for that. By the way, oh darling Reddit community - this OP put that selfishly in his own post so why not rebuke him a bit with his own energy? I was quoting him oh callous but desperate to act decent internet community.
gino3298: You're in a subreddit where you do nothing but read. If you only read the TLDR, feel free to leave.
[deleted]: Listen, I read all day long and not just on reddit. I found it offensive that OP put in his post that he told me to fuck off and read his story. That's what I was responding to. I read much longer posts and like it when the tl;dr ends the story and summarizes what I just read in a clever way - this was not that. It was fuck you and read my story. You want me as an audience then don't insult me as an audience member in your first sentence. But I'm not part of this particular circle jerk so I get downvoted. Bravo, we've all spent a insignificant part of our day learning something meaningless.
gino3298: If you're offended get over it, this is a public forum where the highest and lowest people exist, if you are offended from something as silly and ridiculous as that then Reddit probably isn't for you.
[deleted]: How could I be offended? I just like to comment on the absurdity. Thanks for noticing and carrying on as if nothing happened here today.
gino3298: How about you reread the second sentence of that comment.
[deleted]: Hypocritical. Sure. The internet is the place for misused words.
gino3298: I'll try this again, in the original comment, in the second sentence, you said you found it offensive, as in you were offended, and I'm telling you, if you were offended by something as ridiculous as that, Reddit, and probably any other public forum isn't for you.
[deleted]: I'm saying I was just stirring trouble and am not actually offended.
gino3298: I'm sure.
| 13 | 15.153846 | |
1377367429 | 1377895890 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | tifuandmygfispissed: TIFU by messaging my girlfriend from a throwaway account after posting a story about a sexual exploit at work.
So I didn't know, but apparently my REDDIT APP doesn't sign out when I sign out of my REDDIT browser. So when I sent her a link or message, she checked that accounts history and read a couple posts I made.
The posts were on a recent reddit topic about "sex at work". My girlfriend introduced me to reddit about 6 or so months ago, and we have already had a fight because I wrote a really fucked up fantasy story where I essentially got off by being an asshole who used women for my own sexual gratification.
This time, I just wrote about my past. It was a bit exaggerated, but mostly true-ish. Now, at first she thought the story was about my last girlfriend, but explaining it wasn't didn't really help.
Now she's angry. I get it. She's been a bit emotional lately, but even at their best times, women can be brutally territorial. So not only did I fuck up, but I chose a rather poor time to do it.
The thing is, I knew this was going to happen. I knew that somehow, someway, she was going to find it. She even told me recently that she just has that kind of luck.. and apparently she is right.
So besides apologizing, I don't know what to do. She doesn't want to talk to me or see me, she is going to her parents tonight instead of the plans we had.
All I did was write about my past. I'm not trying to find other women, I'm not trying to sleep with other women. I am happy to say that I have been 100% loyal to her. This story was long, long before her.
Am I supposed to just forget my life before her? I can't ever talk about my experiences because they weren't with her? It's not like it was being rubbed in her face, I mean I went out of my way to make a throwaway and just forgot to sign out.
And before someone asks, if she did the same thing, no I wouldn't be upset. I might even like it. She knows this and we've talked about the fact that we have different boundaries, and I try my best to respect hers.
[deleted]: Im gonna go ahead and call bullshit here on this story, never the less.
You never made it clear whether this sex at work shit was before her or during your relationship with her. I get THIS TIME, but have you cheated on her?
If it was before her I don't see a reason why she should be mad, those were chapters of your life, but shes your last page.
If you cheated on her and wrote about it before I can see why she would be mad. Even this fantasy shit? If a girl wrote that out about me, I would think she didn't find me attractive so she fantasizes about other men?
Even if you would be cool if she did shit like that to you, you need to really think about how she would feel about this, before you dun goof again.
lostmybeeragain: If it was before her you don't see any reason why she should be mad don't you? Obviously you do not date girls for whatever reason. At least not girls that the rest of us are used to.
[deleted]: What im saying is that while I don't usually talk about things like that, I don't see why someone should totally disregard a chapter of their life.
lostmybeeragain: I agree, unfortunately, girls expect you to do exactly that.
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1377364974 | 1377395069 | null | t5_2to41 | 490 | trollpatro1: TIFU by walking home from Wendy's with a plastic knife in my mouth
I (M 15) live about a mile away from wendys, and decided to spend my friday afternoon with my friends. So we agreed on going and having a snack at wendys. Started innocent enough right? So when we get there I get a classic, chocolate, frosty and and joking with my friends eat it with a plastic knife. We talked, laughed, and had a good time. Eventually we had enough and decided it was time to head back, and we throw away our trash.. all except my plastic knife. Now if you have ever tasted a plastic spoon you would know that for some reason that plastic lollipop is like candy! We were about halfway back, walking on the dirt path when I turn around for a second and to my surprise trip a bit. Woah that was close, i almost died. So stupid me thinks it would be a god idea to keep this knife in my mouth and test my luck again. Well you guessed it a couple feet later clumsy me trips in a random rock and down goes goodman. 1 hour later im at the hospital getting my torn up cheeck looked at. Turns out having a knife shoved through your cheek isnt a seriously injury but i can tell you it was pretty serious to me!
TL;DR Learned that all knifes are evil and i'm smart
eigenvectorseven: At least post a picture, man.
le_mous: Surely OP will deliver..
bs1095: op
AJTheCavie2012: pls
[deleted]: pliss
michaelarm: Op y u doo dis??
DoctorImperialism: Shut up
[deleted]: I have such a raging respect right now.
willlurkforcash: DoctorImperialism stahp, y u do dis
| 10 | 49 | |
1377387164 | 1377446168 | null | t5_2to41 | 123 | cptjooligan: TIFU by accidentally insulting my gf
this actually happened awhile ago but I'll tell it like that day
So my girlfriend told me a week ago that I was getting a suprise on friday. So I spent the week thinking it'd be something really awesome (and it was, but I was thinking it would be material too, mainly because even though I tell her not to do it she buys me stuff). So the week passes by and I see her and I noticed she put on make up and some fancy clothing, oddly enough she never dresses like that, of course I made the mistake of not acknowledging it and went on with the day. Later she asks why I didn't say anything and after some talk, I asked her what the suprise was and she says her odd appearance was it. Well me being the autopiloted mind jack ass at the time said "that's it?". Her face immediately changed to a mix of "you did not just say that" and a sad look and immediately it hits me what I said. The drive to her house was quiet and as much as I apologized she still wouldn't speak. Later I made it up to her but I still felt bad.
msteinert11: In this situation you should tell her that you have a surprise for her and then dress up really nice and see how she reacts. It won't be positive. You did nothing wrong.
WAKACHEWBACCA: If my SO were to surprise me and dress up for once, I'd be ecstatic.
msteinert11: You need to evaluate the current state of your relationship.
WAKACHEWBACCA: I don't think I do. My SO doesn't have to dress up to make me happy. I'm just stating that you're wrong to insinuate that not everyone would appreciate their SO trying to look nice for them.
| 5 | 24.6 | |
1377386839 | 1377480044 | null | t5_2to41 | 64 | bromemeoth: TIFU by smoking pot.
Side note: this happened back in the winter of 2004. This is just one of many embarrassing moments that I have experienced since.
Back in 9th grade, there was a serious drug problem at my school… Ex-Lax and it’s “users” were running rampant through the hallways of my high school. I’m not exactly sure as to how many victims fell prey during the Ex-Lax saga, but I’m just glad that my little run in with the substance didn’t take place on school grounds. Thankfully, I was drugged at an all guy sleep over. Don’t judge me, I was in 9th grade. This was the year that I was introduced to both marijuana and Ex-Lax… 2004 was my 80′s.
As I was saying, two of my friends and I were crashing at one of our friend’s house. I’m not going to mention any names, but one of us had weed. Even though ~~we~~ they may not partake in that activity anymore, weed was something that we felt the need to try. Keep in mind, we were total fucking amateurs when it came to smoking pot. Let’s just say that our smoking device consisted of a soda can. After poking about 20 pinholes in our poor man’s bowl, we trucked through a foot of snow towards our smoking destination. Houston, we have lift off.
After a solid ten minute coughing spree, we made our way back to the family room. To my surprise, there was a plate of brownies waiting for us on the coffee table. Not even 5 minutes after I sat my high ass down, a physical challenge was thrown my way. “Hey bromemeoth, I bet you can’t eat three brownies in less than three minutes”. Are you kidding me? That’s child’s play. As soon as I crushed brownie number two, the room erupted with laughter and finger pointing. Fuck! Those bastards finally got the kid who started the whole Ex-Lax epidemic. Right then and there, my night turned into a waiting game.
Seeing as my jeans were already soaked from the snow, I figured I might as well borrow a pair of sweatpants (and not wear any boxers under them… you know, just in case). Hours passed, and nothing had happened. At this stage in the game, only two of us were awake. Congratulations guys, the only thing I was feeling was gas—or so I thought. On a whim, I decided that I was entitled to rip ass in the face of one of the two sleeping beauties. After all, they did poison me with chocolate laxatives.
So there I was, pointing my ass at a face like it was a loaded gun, and you wouldn’t believe how quickly that simile turned into reality. As soon as I let that flatulent fly, I went from giggles to terror in a matter of milliseconds. That’s right, I just shit a pair of loaners (borrowed pants). Not only that, but right in the face of one of the culprits involved. The only way that my shart story could have gotten any more embarrassing was if I would have bare-assed it. And believe you me, I was one bad decision away from doing just that.
TL;DR Got high, ate ex-lax, shit my friend's pants.
kevinofgondor: This was beautifully written.
bromemeoth: As a writer/standup comedian, getting recognition for my writing really means the world to me. Thank you, Kevin of gondor.
OceanRacoon: Yeah, you should write Young Adult fiction, the funny sort of book that doesn't take itself too seriously, maybe the main character likes a girl, maybe he doesn't, maybe he smokes a bit of weed and does stupid shit with his friends, it's no big deal, he's young and having fun, you know, maybe he rapes his mother to death in front of-wait, wrong fantasy, I mean, genre. Ahem.
bromemeoth: I let this go for 16 hours. At first, I thought you were being a sarcastic prick. But, that ending... That fucking ending, man. If executed properly, being "edgy" has the potential to have some comedic value. However, your attempt was nothing short of straight cringe worthy.
OceanRacoon: You think I said rapes his mother thinking it would make other people laugh? If it made you feel awkward, pissed off or downvote it, mission accomplished, it's for my own amusement, a type of anti-humour, the start of my comment wasn't sarcastic, I decided to end it like that because I got bored and annoying people like that is funny to me.
However, you're clearly the High Humour Authority of the Universe, the confidence you have in your abilities evident by how you nearly sucked that guys dick for giving you a throwaway compliment, and how you put edgy in quotation marks as if the word in some way requires them. As if you know shit about comedy.
bromemeoth: Respond to a troll once, shame on me. Respond to a troll twice,
[deleted]: > Respond to a troll once, shame on me. Respond to a troll twice,
You shit your friend's pants. You know how this ends!
| 8 | 8 | |
1377394002 | 1377452161 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,667 | children_are_evil: TIFU by telling a kindergartener "FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE"
My mother teaches kindergarten, and I stopped by her class on the way to my own school to bring her some shit she needed for the day.
She introduced me to her loud-ass kids. "This is my daughter, Lydia, blah blah blah. She's a big college kid." They were all in awe. I felt kinda like a rockstar.
Afterwards, a boy ran up to me, holding a chair like a shield. I thought he wanted to tell me something, but he just kept running. That's when the little bastard drove his chair upward, into my unsuspecting crotch.
All the wind left my body and I fell to the ground, holding myself. I flopped on the floor like a fish. Mom pulled the brat aside while I, embarrassed and hurting, limped into the hallway, where I plopped down on a bench. I sat there, listening to my mom chew the kid out inside. I couldn't hear what she said, but the whole situation was pretty humiliating. I occasionally heard him cry "But she's a girl!" I guess he thought it wouldn't hurt because I'm a lady. I was sorry to prove him wrong.
A few minutes later, the boy came into the hall. My mom had forced him to give me a reluctant apology. I was even more pissed off now. "You’re supposed to say 'It's okay.'" he said. "FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE!" my mouth shrieked on its own. The whole hall turned to look at me like a monster. If only they knew my story, they'd say the very same thing! I just waddled out the door and drove off to class. Now I never want to show my face in that classroom again.
Apparently, later that day, the boy asked my mom what "fuck" and "asshole" meant. He also asked if I was a boy. He also had to sit out recess for his vicious attack.
TL;DR Children are assholes. Fuck 'em.
KMROLZ1207: That little bitch deserved it. He needed to learn that hitting people with chairs is a hell-no-no.
HGlpIyHk9LiGP: >He needed to learn that hitting people with chairs is a hell-no-no.
The kid needs to learn that like a lot of things, there is a time and place for assaulting people with office furniture - like Wrestlemania.
ptonca: Pretending to hit people with office furniture. How else do they get right back up, fine as ever after getting their face smashed in by a chairs?
MagicallyMalificent: Fake chairs.
ptonca: I feel like a fake chair would still hurt.
JediMasterBroda: It does. Acting it is, CGI it is not.
Pastorality: That's always interested me about pro wrestling. For a spectacle that pretends to be brutal it is still quite brutal sometimes
HalfysReddit: My dad used to be buddies with one of the older TV wrestlers. He wasn't in it long I don't think, but he had some stories.
Here's one of the things he told me:
Ever notice wrestlers start bleeding from their foreheads after getting hit? They typically hold their head in pain for a second before you see any blood right? Well what's happening is they're slicing their forehead a bit with a razor blade they had stashed in their wristband. Your head bleeds a lot, so it doesn't take much of a cut for a good show.
Even though it's not real fighting, it's still a fairly brutal spectacle.
slydunan: Wouldn't it be safer to use a fake blood back?
HalfysReddit: But fake blood packs don't continue bleeding.
| 11 | 242.454545 | |
1377384515 | 1377443353 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | Ozok: TIFU by meeting a friend of mine for a party!
So I'm currently on vacation in Brazil and a friend of mine from my hometown in Portugal also came here for a different reason, and we decided to hang out one night. There was a party yesterday and we decided to go there for some fun and drinks and stuff, so he asks me during the day to go buy some drinks.
Later at night I show up with 2 bottles of vodka and 1 of juice and the four of us (his friends) start drinking before entering the party because we weren't allowed to bring outside drinks. His 2 friends didn't drink a hell of a lot so it turned out me and my friend drinking most of the stuff.
Eventually we go in, and from there on I have no idea what happened, turns out I was so drunk that I could barely walk, I have no idea how I got out of the party, no idea how I got home, or how I payed the taxi driver that took me home, got inside the house, locked the door, put myself to bed or anything else.
I woke up all hungover (obviously) and now it turns out I apparently lost my glasses somewhere.
TL;DR Met a friend on vacation, got drunk at party, lost glasses!
dabisnit: Everything glasses or reading glasses? If I lost my everything glasses I'd be fucked, that's like $100 down the drain
Ozok: everything glasses :/
dabisnit: You fucked up bad
| 4 | 1 | |
1377400419 | 1377406068 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by assuming that I was talking to who I thought I was talking to.
Dear TIFU, I have fucked up. Royally. Back-story time bitches.
So I've had a crush on this girl (we'll call her Janet) for 2 and a half years. I asked her out about a month after I met her, got shot down pretty hardcore style, and crash landed deep in the friend zone. I've slowly hacked and slashed my way out with hopes of making it to the territory I was originally going for, the promised land of relationship.
Fast forward 20 months. I've been walking around in the friend-zone, and haven't had a relationship during the whole trek. I've kind of lost focus/ will recently, and gotten a bit distracted by life. Meanwhile, my best friend (let's call him Douchebag) flies a covert-op and makes it to he land I had dreamed of for so long. I only hear about the flight the night after it's completed, and I'm like 'Fuck you dude.' But I move on. I get past it. I view it as a chance to finally go home, maybe take out the old jet. But it's not the same. I make it to two other so-called promised lands, but after three months there, I fly home. Truth be told, I almost preferred my treks in the friend zone.
So one day, I'm just going for a joy flight, with plans of maybe reaching a third meaningless relationship, and I accidentally drift dangerously close to the land I spent 20 months fighting through dangerous terrain for, and find out that while Douchebag had indeed reached the promised land, Janet was becoming increasingly unhappy with him. I, being this kind of guy, try to offer her comfort. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately depending on how you view it), Janet started comparing Douchebag to me, and she was like
>Damn, Today_I_fucked_up isn't looking half bad right now.
Bear in mind that at the time I had no idea. On my end, I tried to rebuild their relationship, patch some stuff up. You know, the stuff that DB should have been doing.
This goes one until three days ago, when I finally confess my feelings to her (crush for 2 and a half years, girl of my dreams, radarada), and explain that I've been confused for a long time as to why I'm helping with this relationship when I would be benefited quite a bit by the its ending, and that I'd finally found the answer. I said that they (Janet and DB) were perfect together, and if I had to say that every day to get it through there thick skulls, I would, because I truly believed it (and I did truly believe it. This post focuses more on the bad, but there were quite a few positive parts to their relationship), to which she responds, (not a direct quote) "Yeah, truth is that it's even worse than it seems." At this point she confesses about the comparisons and junk, as well as telling me that my feelings for her are definitely reciprocated. She continues by saying that her relationship is falling apart, and that the summer has definitely taken it's toll. Truth was, she was going to see if school starting up helped at all, and if not, she was going to break up with him.
And I was like:
>Woot
And then I was like:
>Wait. Fuck. What kind of asshole would want his best friend dumped? *Especially* if said dumping was, even if in a round-about way, was aforementioned asshole's fault?
So I've been pondering this question for the last few days. And finally I go to Janet, being since she has just as much right as I do to decide this, if not more so. Unfortunately, I decide to go the quick way around it, instead of the safe way. I message her on the Facebook.
For those keeping score, this is where my big fuck up starts,
So we're discussing this, and at first it seems like any other discussion I've had with her. Soon, however, I notice that Janet is not quite like how she usually is. She makes some comparisons that don't fit her personality. Her format is weird, and so is her wording. She misspells some things. She makes a grammatical error. That kind of thing.
And I'm like:
>Fuck
So it turns out that DB had gotten onto her account. I'm still waiting for the fallout.
And now, Reddit, you may proceed to judge.
**TL;DR** If you trust FB messaging with your personal issues, you're gonna have a bad time.
JustAnotherLondoner: Hope it all works out for you - keep us updated!
Today_I_fucked_up: I will do my best. School starts Monday, I'll probably be through most of the initial fallout by Friday.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1377427397 | 1377516185 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | warpaint: TIFU by hooking up with my mom.
Decided to go to the bar tonight and little did I know my mom was there. I somewhat recognized her and gave her a molly (I had taken one as well.) Well I get pretty wasted and I was faded from the molly and started chatting up my mom. Turns out, I decide to leave the bar with my mom. We go back to my (our) place and have sex.
tl;dr; hooked up with mom.
[deleted]: How do you not recognize your own mother?
warpaint: I did but I was poppin mollies left n right
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1377429612 | 1377507371 | null | t5_2to41 | 205 | IamSeth: TIFU by throwing away all my money.
Actually happened yesterday...
So, I'm between jobs, and was down to my last $50. Yesterday, I went shopping for food, and at the register decided my remaining money would be easier to keep track of if I had it as cash instead of on a card, so I asked for my last $20 in cash back.
I'd already stuck my wallet back into my pocket, and I didn't want to hold up the line, so I wrapped the twenty in my receipt and put it into my pocket.
A few minutes later, my roommate finishes his shopping and we're walking to my car, and I put my hand in my pocket and feel this longass receipt.... So I toss it in the trashcan next to the cart return as I walk by.
I didn't realize what I'd done until I got home...
Jaydub06: want 20$? im willing to help
IamSeth: Want? Absolutely. Need? Not enough to inconvenience a stranger, or to accept charity where people can see me. Shit's embarrassing.
If you want to help me, it means you want to help someone; there's someone who needs it more than I do. Set that twenty aside in your wallet and keep it with you- when you encounter the person it's meant for, you'll know. Remember that you've already given it away, and hand it over when the time comes. And thank you.
hackysacks: Wow... I would buy you reddit gold for this comment, but, you know.
IamSeth: http://www.brainlesstales.com/images/2011/Jan/aw-shucks.jpg
EDIT: Someone actually gave me reddit gold! I totally don't deserve that! The generosity of redditors is really encouraging; keep being awesome, guys.
EatAllTheWaffles: Dude it's 3 fucking dollars. You deserved it.
IamSeth: It's like birthday cake, you can't "deserve" it.
EatAllTheWaffles: Whatever. Good luck with your situation. I know internet gold won't help you but it can't hurt, right?
IamSeth: I can't pretend I mind having it ;D
| 9 | 22.777778 | |
1377432124 | 1377434254 | null | t5_2to41 | 92 | fuzzyalien77: TIFU I left in a hurry while the cashier who was maybe flirting with me while requesting a quick break..
I was the LCBO buying some bourbon and some beer. She was this beautiful girl, I assume close to my age, she had this amazing long brown hair with some highlights/dye/whatever in it. Big beautiful eyes I got lost in a couple times during our interaction. She had a figure that I found ridiculously attactive, even wearing a work uniform. She was athletic but curvy, and I just know that even in jeans and a hoodie she woulda knocked me dead.
When I got into line I was holding my 2-6 of Devil's Cut and a couple sixes of Heineken in cans. By holding I mean I hadn't bothered to grab a basket or anything so in one hand I had a chokehold on the Devil's Cut while and was cradling the sixes on my forearms. When my turn in line came this sweetheart stalled a minute, asking her supervisor where one of the other cashier girls were. She was then asking if she could have a short 10 minute break. So she stalled by doing this as I'm standing right in front of her waiting to pay. She then turns to me and says she's sorry for holding me up. Starts ringing me through, Takes a good look at me, sees the short scruff (and I assume already saw the working mans hands while I was holding my drink and also putting it on the counter). As I'm putting my debit card info through she just starts chatting away about how she messed up her knee. I tell her I've done something not too great to mine lately too (work), and say I hope she feels better soon because it definitely sucks. She then launches into a recap of her weekend informing me that she has no idea of how she messed up her knee, just that she was drunk at the time and woke up in pain. As I'm putting my beers and whisky in my backpack we continue to chat, smiles are exchanged, big beautiful eyes cause momentary lapses in intelligible male thought, the whole nine. Then this (I have to say) gay sounding guy tries to cut it in with the tired "Can you answer me something..? Why do girls take like, an hour to "get ready?"". (Imagine him and some other guy standing there as he pulls out the stupid finger quotation marks there).
Knowing she still has a number of customers to deal with I give the idiot an incredulous look, and being irrate, walk out and immediately starting heading home. When I arrive home shortly thereafter is when my fuckup became horrifyingly apparent. if I had lingered and made the guy look like a complete tool and then left the store but waited a minute she probably would have wanted to chat during her break. So there I am, sitting at home with nothing to do but wait for buddies and sip on an unconsoling beer when I probably would have been chatting up this cutie-pie and maybe even getting a number. It's been far too long since I've been genuinely attracted to a girl and DAMMIT!! I Fucked it up!
If you happen to work at an LC across the parking lot from a small local mall with a Zehr's and a TD and recognize this story, please pm me! I want to know when this sweetheart is working again so I can come back, nut up, and give her my number.
DoctorDbx: Well... look on the bright side... you know where she works?
fuzzyalien77: This is true, and someday (*very* :s ) soon I will return (I may be an alcoholic...). Hopefully she'll be there as well though! :) I just don't like to think that some other guy may have captured her interest by then.
DoctorDbx: Ah well, you can't go all stalkerish on us. She might already have a dude dude. However, next time you pop in for a fix, just put those balls on the counter and ask her out for a drink.
Worst that can happen is she says No. Well... the worst that can happen is she pepper sprays you and then her boyfriend knocks your teeth out... but that's not going to happen. Truuuuust me.
fuzzyalien77: I'm not trying to be stalkerish via this post, so hopefully I haven't unwittingly done so. When I say I'll be going there again soon I mean beer has no hope of lasting the night around me and I often go to buy some. If she's there, she's there if not, I won't be butthurt about it. You're right, she may already have a dude, dude; but I have no way of knowing that and the balls will be displayed in their massiveness and a phone number proffered. And on that note, it's time for another beer!
DoctorDbx: Enjoy dude.
| 6 | 15.333333 | |
1377438472 | 1377446750 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidently sending a NSFW snap chat
I sent a snap chat of my delicious ham and cheese croissant and glass of wine to a bunch of my friends. My vibrator was in the corner.. perfect. Side-note: if you're questioning if it's too early to drink wine then you're an amateur and we probably shouldn't be friends.
FucktasticPen15: Proof? Ham, cheese, AND WINE? You stay classy San Diego.
jillischill: Snapchat= gone forever.
unclefisty: Not always
http://www.theatlanticwire.com/technology/2013/07/snapchat-android/66868/
http://www.digitaltrends.com/social-media/yes-you-can-recover-dead-snapchats-and-heres-the-video-proof/
http://www.salon.com/2013/06/04/yet_another_way_to_retrieve_deleted_snapchat_photos_partner/
jillischill: Oh my goodness! It's advertised as the pics only get saved if you directly save it to your camera roll or if the recipient takes a screen shot. Haha now I'm even more embarrassed. Oh well.. it's not like I'll be running for president.
unclefisty: I'm sure that's what they intended, but it appears their implementation is not so hot lol.
jillischill: Haha just when I was thinking that s'all good, no one can save it.. Thanks for the link though! The more you know
| 7 | 3.428571 | |
1377438743 | 1377455092 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | TurboCancerous: Tifu by yelling to a cop out the window
This happened like three weeks ago so bear with me. I was in my drivers ed car(insurance reduction mothafucka) so were driving slow through a construction area and I see a few cops searching a car. And these are the unmarked car black suit kinda cops, so they're rummaging through the car and I think to yell as we pass "THE FUCKER IS HAULING METH". Instantly after I yell this one of the cops looks up at me. Guess the fuck what, its the sheriff who's friends with both of my parents. So I get home and get the full shitstorm of rage for two hours. The only irony of this whole thing is they did actually find drugs in the car.
TL;DR yelled at cop searching a car, he knows my parents and I heard their shit for two hours
[deleted]: Even if he didn't know your parents that's a stupid thing to do, arsehole. You make it seem like you fucked up because you got caught. You fucked up because you did it in the first place.
13speed: I want the OP to yell at cops out the car window *even more*.
Cops love that shit.
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1377412118 | 1377515859 | null | t5_2to41 | 36 | [deleted]: TIFU by trusting people too easily
I play this wonderful game called dota 2 as a hobby. In it there are virtual items that you can acquire through buying, trading, or getting through events. I needed some urgent cash so I figured to sell an item, which I had gotten at The International 2 (something you should read up on, regardless if you are a gamer or not), through paypal. Now there are many scammers out there who trick you in to trading your item and then run away with it and I was quite aware of that. Nonetheless, I had too much faith in people and lost $200 as a result. Right after I found out I felt really shitty and remembered an incident that happened short of a decade ago when I was a preteen playing Runescape. Its funny because back then I swore to myself not to trust people so easily. I was naive back then, and I am still naive now.
fuckyouripod: my grandfather taught me this, it's an ancient saying, but he taught it to me, so i credit him. i think you might benefit from it:
"Fuck me once, shame on you. Fuck me twice? Shame on me."
Moonreaver: Fuck me a third time, and its time to switch!
TheSwissRedditor2: Fuck me a fourth time, it's time to run for you!
le_mous: Fuck me a *FIFTH* time, and we should probably have that discussion about seeing other people and if we're in a committed relationship..
TravelingBread: Fuck me six times, and then I'll need a break.
BBoxall: We didn't fuck the 7th time
blzy79: Fuck me 8 times and ill need a colostomy bag
| 8 | 4.5 | |
1377457089 | 1377457776 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU: Banged my dead Grandma
OK so this happened like 15 minutes ago, I was making a turkey sandwich for lunch and I was craving some poppyseed dressing to go with it ( I know it might sound a little strange but Briannas poppyseed dressing is AMAZING with almost anything) ANYWAY I got it from the fridge only to realize there was very little left so I turned it upside down and banged it on the countertop, the loud banging cause my mom to call out "what are you banging?!" Without any thought I blurted out "Your mom" I snickered at my fast response, only to remember my Grandmother recently passed away at the end of July. Long story short my mom is pissed and I'm grounded.
tl;dr : I banged dressing on the counter and my mom asked "what are you banging?!" In response I answered "your mom" only to remember she is recently deceased.
gwallace1612: You see, that was just plain stupid
jmaguire24: Agreed
| 3 | 3 | |
1377453165 | 1377581316 | null | t5_2to41 | 428 | googie_g15: TIFU by shitting my pants while completely high on a public train
/r/TIFU, today I come to you with my head bowed in shame, for I have truly fucked up.
Last night, it was my friend's 24^th birthday so me and a bunch of friends were going bar hopping for the night. I decided that bar hopping would be much more fun if I was decently high as well so I proceeded to smoke a bowl before walking to the train and heading downtown. Well, I proceeded to take an extra hit so that my high would last through the night. This is the moment that I fucked up as I was easily at a [10] by the time that I got on the train. I sat down and just tried to enjoy my high while I traveled. At this point, I became so relaxed that I felt a fart coming on.
After reading all of the stories you guys have about trusting a fart and shitting your pants I thought I could pull this off. I thought I was an expert. I thought I was invincible to trouser sharts. Oh, how wrong I was.
As I was so relaxed, I tried to gently push this fart out and go on my merry way but I ended up realizing that this wasn't a fart a little too late. This was a full on turtle head poking out now and I had no way to go back. The deed was done so all I could do was pinch off this head and hope for the best. Luckily, this wasn't diarrhea and was a solid chunk. I hurried to the bathroom once getting off and cleaned myself up. Then I continued on my bar hopping adventure.
This is where I fucked up a second time, /r/TIFU. Instead of going home and where I could shower and enjoy the rest of my high I continued to the bar hop.
As many of you who have joined the Pants Shitting Club know, it's hard to really clean up after the deed unless you just shower and completely change. Well, I didn't do that and it ended up completely chaffing my asshole. After walking around to different bars all night I feel like I can't walk at all today without my asshole burning with the fury of a dying sun. It feels like the devil rubbed his dirty, hate-filled cum all over my whispering eye and marinated that shit for 8 hours.
**TL;DR** I slew a brown demon and reaped the consequences.
Arsenault185: AAAAANNNND the counter resets.
UniQueLyEviL: LMAO OH GOD
[deleted]: HAHAHA LMAOGGTDF HKLM DUF XDDD
Whole words mate, you've had an education, surely.
UniQueLyEviL: No, "mate". I'm not wasting my time typing out a dissertation in response to something I found amusing in response to a post about some dude shitting his pants. Get over yourself and sort out your fuckin' priorities. **LOL**
'Uhuh!! Someone used an acronym/shorthand on the *internet*! On *Reddit* at that!! They didn't type out "LAUGHING MY ASS OFF!"
They must not be educated!!'
You serious?
Your username makes so much sense....
[deleted]: You made yourself look worse.
UniQueLyEviL: Lol! Did I now? And how's that?
[deleted]: By continuing on this pointless conversation.
UniQueLyEviL: Nah. Preeeeetty sure you decided to carry on after I responded/explained how I don't give a fuck about what people like you think about how I choose to express amusement on here. <3
OceanRacoon: Now kiss
UniQueLyEviL: Great idea!! He/she can kiss my entire ass. =D
| 11 | 38.909091 | |
1377424801 | 1377483215 | null | t5_2to41 | 57 | Annihilate_This: TIFU by going to the bathroom in Mexican Town
I was eating lunch in Mexican Town, the urge happened, and I needed to go off and use the restroom. I return, and what do I see on my plate?
Nothing.
When I was gone, someone stole the last taco from my plate. There is no group or seminar on how to deal with what just happened. I have to face it head on...by myself. The confusion. The shame. The violation. A stolen dollar taco just changed my life forever.
"This is the way the world ends...not with a bang, but a whimper. "
~T.S. Eliot
xxcatalopexx: What asshole steals another man's tacos!?!?!? I hope they rot in Mexican helL!!!!!!!!!
Annihilate_This: I'm glad SOMEONE sees the error in this.
[deleted]: I hope you like to eat tacos with the absolute hottest sauce possible, putting it on the taco before you begin to eat, so as to let it soak in to the food. Imagine the shitty night the thief would have.
Annihilate_This: I do actually fancy the hottest hot sauce available. (Not for the weak of heart)
[deleted]: It seems that he might have a bit of the runs for the next week.
| 6 | 9.5 | |
1377461220 | 1377502303 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | raymokid: TIFU By smashing a window with a lawnmower.
I was being a dutiful son, mowing the lawn for my parents. When the lawnmower blade picked up a stone, throwing it straight the window. Of course there was glass everywhere and screaming parents.
Legioniare501st: That sounds like the Final Destination 4 movie.
At least you didn't hurt anyone
[deleted]: It must of only been a small pebble, but it shot straight through glass!.
199Eight: With the speed and velocity it must've attained when it shot through the glass, it could possibly go into someones eye socket. Good thing that didn't happen. How big was it BTW?
| 4 | 8.5 | |
1377455635 | 1377466227 | null | t5_2to41 | 152 | ilash44: TIFU and shit into a fan
I had been having diarreah for the better part of the morning (thanks cheap liquor and taco bell). So when I got out of the shower this morning I like to dry my dirty bits by standing in front of a fan. While doing this I had the urge to fart...I VIOLENTLY SHIT INTO THE FAN. It was awful, the poop got sprayed into a good 6 foot radius all over my bedroom. Just finished the clean up and I'm currently basking in a mixture of shame and glory.
TLDR: never trust a fart.
LiquidApple: Pretty sure OP just wanted to test out the saying.
MonetaryFlame: Yep.
| 3 | 50.666667 | |
1377492315 | 1377617917 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,183 | MTgolfer30: TIFU by setting off a bomb scare in downtown Albuquerque.
This is a long one, so bear with me.
So this happened five years ago, but since I just found out about Reddit, I thought I'd explain what happened. If any of you lived in ABQ in 2008, you know what I'm talking about. I was living in Albuquerque for a short time, and was about to head back home to Montana the next morning. I decided to go out drinking with some friends, and since I didn't want to get a DUI, I parked my car a few blocks away from the downtown bar area. I thought it was an incredibly convenient place to park, because there were no parking meters and no "No Parking" signs whatsoever. So I meet up with some friends for a farewell bash and drink late into the night. The next morning I get a call from my mom at 7am telling me to call this agent from the FBI. Having just been woken up, I thought this was a joke, or I was still drunk. Probably a bit of both. So she said call this guy back, and when I got on the phone with him he asked if I had a Ford Escort wagon. I said yes, and he said "you might wanna head down to your car as soon as possible." Okay? I start walking from my friends house down to my car, and looked up and saw a ton of helicopters flying around. As soon as I turned a corner I saw roughly 40 police cars and police tape everywhere. I thought "oh man...i really hope this isn't my fault!" Well come to find out, it was. My car happened to be parked in front of an old federal building. Since I parked at night and there were no street signs, I assumed it was safe to park there. Since my car was packed with all my shit, they assumed there was a bomb in my car. They busted out my back window with a bomb robot and threw all my shit I'd packed out on the street and sidewalk. News reporters and news helicopters were out in full force, trying to get me to comment. Anyways, long long story short, the FBI cleared me and sent me on my way. The ABQ police however, were incredibly pissed off I wasn't arrested. Oh, and the whole 1100 mile trip back was driven without a back window.
UPDATE: so here are a couple links with pictures of my car and some police tape.
http://alibi.com/blog/xy_800/Central-Shut-Down.html (A main street shut down....OOPS.)
http://alibi.com/blog/23657/Bomb-Scare-Fallout.html (Yep, that's me.)
[deleted]: They shoulda paid for your window
Roadkill689: They don't have to pay for anything. Same as if your house was raided they don't have to pay for any damages (usually everything is damaged).
lurkaderp: Unless, of course, they were entirely in the wrong, there was no legitimate suspicion (arguable, I know), and he was parked completely legally.
Roadkill689: Which they will never admit.
lurkaderp: Sure, but that's not the same thing as "they don't have to pay for anything." In a lawsuit against the city it would be pretty easy to show that it's perfectly legal to park there, and there seems to be no evidence of any wrongdoing at all, let alone any ticketing or arrest.
Roadkill689: They prove probable cause - they don't have to pay for any damages. There doesn't have to be a ticket or an arrest, you can be completely innocent, long as they have a reason they won't have to pay for damages. Lone car parked all night in front of a government building with a bunch of stuff in it post 9/11? Plenty of reasoning on their part.
lurkaderp: >Lone car parked all night in front of a government building with a bunch of stuff in it post 9/11? Plenty of reasoning on their part.
Just because they were suspicious doesn't equal "probable cause." And a lone car, legally parked overnight on a downtown city street a few blocks from the bars? I don't think it gets you there. Doesn't sound like they even bothered applying for a warrant.
If they wanted people not to park there because it would automatically be suspicious, maybe they should have, I don't know, put up a sign?
Roadkill689: They don't need a warrant to inspect your car for a possible bomb.
lurkaderp: They smashed his window and were dumping stuff on the street. Or is that a new police authority? Yeah, your car seemed fine, so we smashed out your window to look for suspicious stuff.
Look, we can argue about this all day. They smashed in his window despite zero evidence of anything suspicious. If you think his parking by itself is suspicious, I'm not about to convince you otherwise. But unless you want to say that parking overnight by any government building is automatically suspicious I don't see how you can make that argument.
Isn't it *more* suspicious if there are other cars parked around, or during the day? Then he could be *deliberately trying to blend in*. You can pretty much invent suspicion out of anything. I don't think a court would buy it, and given that OP claims several attorneys offered to help him sue the city, I think that's the prevailing opinion.
| 10 | 118.3 | |
1377492681 | 1377516480 | null | t5_2to41 | 284 | Yorgan: TIFU by rubbing a weta on my balls
Yesterday I had made plans to take a mid-afternoon shower … well not really plans I guess, it was kinda spontaneous, who really plans a shower? Anyway
I grabbed a fresh towel from the linen cupboard and threw it on the ground. Our shower has a small leak you see, so if you place your towel right by the door it stops the floor from getting soaked.
Going about my business as usual, I washed up, grabbed my now slightly damp towel from the ground and began a not-so thorough process of drying myself off. When reached my balls though I felt that something was amiss, a curious scratching sensation appeared as if from nowhere, and alarmed I dropped my towel to the floor and began to investigate. I thought that perhaps I had a rash, there was no redness though, not even a scratch, and it wasn’t until I bent down to retrieve the towel that I spotted the culprit.
A beady eyed [weta](http://imgur.com/Aa5hNJh), (A Weta being a native insect of New Zealand) about 5-6 cm long, stared back up at me from the folds of my towel. You see weta’s love dark damp places and it seems that this one had made my towel its home, whilst it plotted its scratchy assault on my dick/balls. I’m not too much the squeamish type though, so I acted quickly and sent my small friend flying out the window.
I’m kind of paranoid about checking towels now.
Impertinent_Buffoon: Jesus christ. It looks like a cross between a wasp, cockroach, and a grasshopper.
huntercunning: I've always known it as a potato bug.
winter_storm: This is very odd.
I did a Google search for "potato bug", and got a lot of pictures of this wasp-cockroach-grasshopper thing.
However, where I now live, everybody calls [these things](http://imgur.com/ZNE3DbC) "potato bugs". (I, on the other hand, grew up calling them "rolly-pollys", along with everyone that I knew.)
Jesspandapants: That looks like a wood louse.
winter_storm: I got curious, so I looked up "Wood Louse" on Wikipedia, and apparently there are many common names for them.
> Common names for woodlice vary throughout the English-speaking world. A number of common names make reference to the fact that some species of woodlice can roll up into a ball. Other names compare the woodlouse to a pig.
> Names include: "armadillo bug",[2] "boat-builder" (Newfoundland, Canada),[3] "carpenter" or "cafner" (Newfoundland and Labrador, Canada),[4] "cheeselog" (Reading, Berkshire),[5] "cheesy bug" (North-West Kent),[6] "doodlebug" (also used for the larva of an antlion),[7] "pill bug" (usually applied only to the genus Armadillidium),[2] "potato bug",[8] "roly-poly",[8] "sow bug",[9] "roll up bug",[10] "chuggypig" or "chucky pig" (Devon),[11][12] "slater" (Scotland, New Zealand and Australia),[13][14][15] "gramersow" (Cornwall),[16] "butcher boy" or "butchy boy" (Australia),[17] and "wood bug" (British Columbia, Canada).[18]
Who knew?
Jesspandapants: The wood louse; bug of many names! My particular favourite is cheesy-bug! When we were kids we used to collect these from the garden and race them across the kitchen floor... 9 times out of 10 they'd just roll up in a little ball and refuse to join in our shenanigans.
winter_storm: When they are all curled up, you can roll them across the floor.
It would probably be going overboard to use them as tiny marbles, though.
Jesspandapants: We used to just put the curled up ones back in the matchbox, well, except my evil brother who used to blow them across the floor using a drinking straw. He was a serial killer in the making that kid!
winter_storm: Why didn't I ever think of that?!?
Jesspandapants: Because you're a nice person who doesn't terrorise cheesy bugs!!!!
winter_storm: And also giggles a bit when they're called "cheesy bugs".
Jesspandapants: I think you should go find one, sniff it and report back whether they are actually cheesy or not!
winter_storm: I would, but I'm kinda busy looking for straws right now...
Jesspandapants: What have I done?! I've planted a seeeeed! No!!!!!!
| 15 | 18.933333 | |
1377498224 | 1377616722 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | anonpothead: TIFU in a college party.
This happened last week, but i'm pretty sure my roommate won't forget that so early.
Before i start, a little background: I have a roommate that just moved in and he has a friend (a kinda-chubby-but-hot redhead) who comes to our house almost everyday, both of them smoke weed as much as i do so we got close pretty fast. Until then everything is fine, we're friends, we smoke together, we like the same things, etc... but then nature made my red, half closed, eyes look that redhead girl in a different way (i always loved redheads, they're like rare pokemons of the real world, and having one in front of you just waiting to be catch is not an everyday opportunity).
So my stoned mind started thinking "welp, she is single, we like the same things and she is a redhead. What could possibly go wrong?". I knew there would be a great party that week so i made a plan.
Fast forward to the party's night. I told my roommate i liked the redhead, he said it was ok, they were just friends and he goes for the blondes (i was just making sure that i wasn't being a douche since i know the feel of seeing a friend with a girl who friendzoned you). So we decided to eat something before leaving home to the party, we blew a joint and started eating instant noodles (don't ask why we have a instant noodles stock), and as a skinny boy who eats like hell when sober i eat almost the double when high, fast metabolism issues.
Now we were full, stoned and heading to the party. Getting there they were playing some good old hard rock, i grab a beer and start socializing (what is pretty easy when the music is good). After some beers and two tequila shots the redhead arrives. I'm usually shy when it comes to flirting, but after a few drinks things were working pretty well, we went out to smoke a joint and the weed smell brought my roommate to smoke with us, that's where the fuck up begins.
He was holding a blue drink, he said it was something mixed with vodka and they were serving double doses. The girl liked the looking of the drink so we three went inside to get one (my greatest mistake). Every sip was like drinking toothpaste solved in vodka, the mint flavor was too much making it disgusting, but my throat was dry after the joint and have tasted worse drinks this was just one more to the list, just a tequila shot or two and that horrible toothpaste taste in my mouth would disappear, right? Wrong.
With my shy-self drowned in alcohol i take the girl to a dark corner and things start getting pretty hot, we were almost going home to have more "privacy", but then i felt something coming up (and it was not down there, it was my stomach coming up to my throat). I never thought how fast my reflexes were until i turn my back on the girl and start running to the bathroom which was on the other side of the building.
I never made it to the bathroom. After four steps or so i started throwing up, not just a simple throw up, but blue vomit with instant noodles smelling alcohol with toothpaste. It was like a fire hose, i threw up on the floor, the crowd and on that security who had three times my size. The security, as gentle as Hulk, threw me out of the party. Right after comes my roommate with his white shirt turned into a blue noodle shirt and take me home, i don't know what happened to the girl, but i'm not sure if i will be able to face her again.
**TL;DR: Don't trust blue drinks and never mix too much alcohol in the same night.**
The_Uber_Dude: Could have been that crossfade though. You said you were smoking jay's as well.
anonpothead: Actually drugs never made me throw up. What fucked me up was that blue devil, think about something so sweet and minty that could give you nausea, now add vodka and mix with tequila that was already in my stomach... the results were catastrophic.
The_Uber_Dude: I can do one or the other, never both. Both fucks me up.
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1377510863 | 1377559358 | null | t5_2to41 | 92 | BanPants: TIFU by Forgetting I Took A Laxative
Having been a little bloated for the past few days, I decided to mix up a concoction of a few teaspoons of castor oil in black coffee. The first mistake I made was drinking the mixture on an empty stomach. My second, as you may have already guessed, was trusting a fart 45 minutes later...
By the time I'd dashed to the tub, it was already too late, and my panties and shorts were already soiled.
I should have known better, being an avid TIFU reader. Perhaps this is some kinda karmic justice for all those times I have laughed myself to tears at the predicaments of others on this forum. This is my just desert, and I am eating it, humbly.
TheWierdSide: Reset the clock!
is this still a thing?
BanPants: Did we stop doing that? I hope not, I liked it.
TheWierdSide: you liked it, but it's people like **you** who never let the counter reach 2 days without having to be re-set. you, madame, are an animal!
**EDIT:** just checked, its still a thing.
BanPants: Hey! It's not like this sub-reddit gets a prize if nobody fudges them-self for a whole week or something... Long may we continue to shit ourselves!
TheWierdSide: Amen.
| 6 | 15.333333 | |
1377534457 | 1377536989 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | G0dHandTeru: TIFU by shaving in a rush.
This actually happened 2 years ago during summer but I didn't know about reddit yet.
It was a normal day in the summer and my friend invited me to go out in the
afternoon and he was coming to pick me up. I lost track of time and he was waiting outside. I don't normally like making people wait so I rushed into the washroom after realizing I forgot to shave. I lathered my shaving cream on my face and started shaving. I use the Gillette ProGlide with 5 blades. Once I finished shaving, I had a great idea, 'if I use my thumb I can clean it faster'! I rubbed my thumb on the blades and it took me half a second to realize my thumb was really warm and when I looked down there was blood and I had 3 flaps of skin hanging on my thumb. To this day, I still shudder from having my left thumb near my razor. Also I regret not taking a picture, it would have be a great post for r/WTF.
TL;DR I tried cleaning a 5 blade razor with my thumb.
Writer_: Holy shit that's terrifying! How serious was your injury?
G0dHandTeru: It wasn't that deep. From what I remember, it took about 3-4 weeks to fully heal. It bled quite a bit but I just held it down and it eventually stopped.
| 3 | 10.666667 | |
1377526779 | 1377727225 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | po000ooo0p: TIFU by pooping in a clogged toilet the week I moved in with my boyfriend
Of course this would happen to me. Of course he didn't warn me that the toilet was clogged before I went in there. Of course I am probably the one who clogged it with tampons. Roto rooter is on the way. Life sucks sometimes.
OceanRacoon: Did he judge you based on the size of the stool?
KobeV: Nice, I know I would.
| 3 | 5 | |
1377546325 | 1377654873 | null | t5_2to41 | 272 | TiberiusX2: TIFU by shitting my pants in class
Today, during my bussiness class in the High School I attend, my anus's edge realized that his stepmother was being kicked out. I urgently raised my hand and asked to be excused, I was counter-replied with a "Hold it until this lesson is over, it's important. An hour and 10 minutes go by (each class is an hour and a half) and I'm to the point of tears, as the night before I had horrible diarehha. I had asked twice in between the lesson, and was greeted with the same response. So my anus loosens its grip around my mollusk infested excriment, and a perfect mixture of sludge and shame stains my boxers. The girl who I have a crush on is sitting right next to me, and exclaims "It smells like shit!" Yes in front of the teacher. The entire class then gets off task and goes on a scavenger hunt to figure out where the smell originated from. Figure the rest out yourself.
TLDR: God is not real.
prodigyx: Sometimes you have to say fuck it and just leave. If the teacher gives you shit, just say I would rather get detention than shit my pants.
TiberiusX2: Hey teacher I pooped, cya
Treesin: Well you are supposed to leave before it happens...
OceanRacoon: Instructions obviously not clear enough.
Shainsworth: Wasn't in the syllabus.
tarnishednite: Wait. I thought that was toilet paper.
| 7 | 38.857143 | |
1377547441 | 1377686020 | null | t5_2to41 | 53 | michaelboccia: TIFU by loudly singing "Dick in a box" while I ran.
So I was running to the gym like I usually do, and on the way I had my Nike+ app turned on and my headphones in and I was jamming. As I was running down one road to get off base, there's another path that curves around some foliage that makes it impossible to see other people walking. Be that as it may, I had no shame to sing along to one of my favorite songs by the Lonely Island, "Dick in a box".
As I'm running down this road, it's the beginning of my run and I still had a lot of stamina, so I had all of my breath with me and wasn't panting, therefore, my singing was extremely loud. Of course, as life would have it, a group of people were walking around that other path, and as I reached the intersection I see them laughing their asses off.
Caught, with nothing else to say I go for the Canadian approach and say, "sorry it's my jam" and sprint off to get away from the scene.
It was a good day lol.
TL;DR: I was singing dick in a box while I ran to the gym and people heard me and laughed at/with me.
lukelear: "It was a good day lol."
If this is how your post ends, I'm not sure it belongs in /r/TIFU
michaelboccia: You can fuck up and still have a good day lol
[deleted]: Consensus suggests not a fuck up. We want blood... We settle for shit pants.
michaelboccia: Well had I known about TIFU about 2 months ago I would've posted how I trusted a fart, and then shit my pants. lol, do I have to shit my pants again?
| 5 | 10.6 | |
1377572655 | 1377579467 | t3_1l54tv | t5_2to41 | 112 | [deleted]: Directions unclear; fucked your mom.
BromarE115: His mom is a ceiling fan?
Wonderful_Toes: He didn't say his penis was stuck
BromarE115: Idk I assumed the fucked your mom part implied that his penis was stuck in *something*
Wonderful_Toes: I mean, I don't usually get my dick stuck in women
But maybe that's just me
Today_I_fucked_up: See, that's because you're doing sex wrong.
Wonderful_Toes: Please, enlighten me.
*^^^This ^^^is ^^^going ^^^to ^^^be ^^^good*
Today_I_fucked_up: Well you see, when a mommy and a daddy-fuck that. Comment Karma isn't worth enough to me to do some long drawn out explanation. Google that shit. "Dick stuck in woman whilst having the intercourse." Assume NSFW. It'll show you how to have the sex right.
Wonderful_Toes: I think I'm good, thanks &#3232;_&#3232;
Today_I_fucked_up: [Your choice, mate. I even found it for you](http://xxxbunker.com/541349)
WARNING! EXTREMELY NSFW!
Wonderful_Toes: He never even penetrates, and he definitely never gets stuck...I must be missing something here
Today_I_fucked_up: Oh wow. I suppose I just didn't even expect you to watch it. Look, I don't have time to look up porn for you.
Wonderful_Toes: LMAO to be honest I shouldn't have watched it...I think I'll just be done with reddit now. Good day to thee, valiant porn-searcher
Today_I_fucked_up: I think I just found my new screen name. Thank you good sir.
Wonderful_Toes: Ahaha glad I could help
| 15 | 7.466667 | |
1377553786 | 1377558166 | null | t5_2to41 | 1 | Annihilate_This: TIFU by looking at suggestive magazines.
So I was just at the gas station to pick up a refreshing Arizona ice-tea. Minding my own business I walk past the magazine rack where there are pictures of scantily clad women on the covers. I turn my head to look just for a second because THEY WERE THERE, JUST THERE.
In that one second where I'm not looking ahead of me, I run into this nice old lady. I say sorry, and she looks like she is going to say "It's ok" back...but instead, looks where I was looking...turns slowly back at me...and says,
"Sinner...I'm going to pray for you."
Life isn't fair.
[deleted]: *sigh* Is this what r/TIFU has come to?
LinkFixerBot1: /r/TIFU
[deleted]: Totally unnecessary.
| 4 | 0.25 | |
1377557145 | 1377563488 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | Shocking: TIFU by giving myself food poisoning
I was getting ready for my first day of pharmacy school and needed to make breakfast. I went down to the kitchen and found a pan that I thought was clean but noticed some leftover food residue from likely dinner last night (likely chicken was made in it). So I made my egg white cheese omelette in it even though I was thinking while making it that it was a bad idea.
It's been 7 hours and I just had a very watery BM and am pretty sure I'm fucked, as I had it 2 thanksgiving ago and it started this same way.
I really, really hope I randomly had watery diarrhea (who does that, honestly).
I can update with all the amazingly sick details as it progresses if you like.
Dekanne_Esreven: I'd suspect undercooked eggs before I'd accuse the pan.
Shocking: Nah they were solid, but thanks for the info. Maybe it was just that time for some watery poo. I'm waiting to see if it happens 2-3 more times then I know I'm fucked.
Not like im in brand new hard ass classes or anything :(
Eggs were those "eggbeater" type whites by the way but its the third time I've used the quart in 5 days so I'm fairly certain they're fine.
Also I just drank a monster and its bubbling in my stomach. Pretty sure that was a bad idea. Had some left over keflex and just took one preemptively. Only have one more though :(
Awkward_moments: Surely if you cook the eggs then it will also cook the left over chicken? If you heat stuff above 100 celsius, isnt it then safe to eat? I know it is for water, assume food is the same right? I dont fucking know, I hate cooking.
Shocking: You have to heat it up enough to kill the bacteria if any has manifested. With my omelette considering it cooked in ohh 2 minutes I'm not sure everything there got high enough temp to kill bacteria.
I'm probably just overreacting but in case I'm not I wanted to be up on the forefront to give people the play-by-play :D
(4:24am just threw up the 85th time, may die soon) etc.
Awkward_moments: I had food poisoning once it sucked ass. Last year my house mates convinced me the undercooked pork i just ate would give me food poisoning. Like any half decent student i did some safety shots to try kill anything in my stomach. I didnt get ill, not sure if it was just lucky though.
Good luck with it all.
Shocking: The thing I'd worry about more with undercooked pork wouls be taenia soleum. A tapeworm. Unlike the beef one that goes into your digestive tract and eats your food before you do the pork one goes to your brain and fucks shit up. Type in that name + brain into google images if you feel like seeing something gross :)
Awkward_moments: Fuck off mate. I will have to go to the doctors because "the internet told me im dying" I will be scared. Im going to believe im ok and leave it at that.
Shocking: Or so you think
| 9 | 3 | |
1377558020 | 1377609534 | null | t5_2to41 | 62 | RikM: TIFU by watching a horror movie next to the window.
I am in the unfortunate position of having my ground floor bedroom directly on to the street which means that, even with Venetian blinds, anyone walking past can glance into my bedroom. This doesn't bother me normally but...
I was watching the 2009 film Children of the Corn (for those that don't know, this is based on the 1977 Stephen King story) and this film has a scene in it where two sixteen year olds make love in front of a group of young children in a weird ritualistic ceremony. It was at this point when I noticed someone walk past and realised that it will have looked like I was watching some strange, somewhat paedophilic, pornography. Not good.
jdizzleh3: Good, fucking open those blinds and jack that shit for them. Show them who's boss.
TiberiusX2: If I was you, this would have been my course of action: 1. Put on movie, on another device start up some porn
2. Proceed to stroke dick repeadetly in an aggressive manner 3. As someone peaks in my window, shoot at their face.
Note: You must have the ability to ejaculate on cue, and you just have better aim than an African Americans hand in a donation jar.
RikM: But, alas, I lack thy abilities required.
| 4 | 15.5 | |
1377559584 | 1377574698 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | kevando: TIFU: By Taking a Shower
I took a shower after work, so that i would not be sweaty for a meeting. I was then forced to ride full speed to my meeting cause I was running late (due to shower).
I am now sitting covered in sweat.
I'm smart.
jdizzleh3: Well you obviously weren't very late for that meeting if you had time to post on reddit hmmmmm?
kevando: ahahh. I should also mention that I was sitting in shame as well. Meeting did not go very well and I stayed at the coffee shop afterward..
jdizzleh3: Gotcha, sorry to hear that man.
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1377561471 | 1377666851 | null | t5_2to41 | 36 | rowinwreck: TIFU: Left my college, job, and the US to live as a child with my family.
So I was going to THE best university for my field in engineering, had a nice job in one of its departments, and life was going overall nicely. Only problem is: My whole family decided it was best to move to Latin America for work-related reasons. In an impulsive response mixed with insecurity, love, and low self-esteem, I decided to withdraw from my college and go with them. So now, my hard work dating since highschool was thrown out the window, I'll be living as a failure with my parents in an under-developed country, and I have nothing whatsoever to keep me busy for the time being. TIFU.
rowinwreck: Thank you so much for your input :). I'll definitely try to make the most of it and apply for readmission at my college for the spring. In the meantime, I've enrolled myself at a local business school, got a gym membership, and am helping my dad as he adjusts to his job.
Noneerror: No no no. Reapply to your college *right now*. It's a new school year in a few days. Even if you are declined and have to reapply in later, the fact that you applied before will come into play. But there is still a fair chance you will get in this term.
| 3 | 12 | |
1377564830 | 1377640827 | null | t5_2to41 | 97 | Lastredditname: TIFU by enjoying my shower gel just a little too much.
This actually happened a few months ago, but I've been so embarrassed that I waited a while before posting.
Backstory: Two weeks before the actual story I got very very sick. I ran to the bathroom with horrible stomach cramps, barely made it in time. After cleaning up and zipping up my pants the cramps came again, this time only worse. Imagine someone reaching into your gut and just twisting the hell out of your stomach and intestines. It hurt so bad I fell to my knees and just began moaning. Then I just slumped to the floor in the fetal position.
This is how my teenage son found me. Laying there, curled up in the fetal position, on the bathroom floor. I couldn't talk, could barely shake my head yes or no. My son is freaking out asking if he should call an ambulance. I am in exquisite pain, but being a nurse I didn't think it was anything that needed immediate attention. While writhing on the floor and only able to make moaning noises (and occasionally screaming out in pain) I manage to shake my head no. My son is still scared but thankfully he doesn't call 911. After 5-10 min (it felt more like an hour) of this torture it finally passed, leaving me weak as a baby. I put it down to possible food poisoning.
Fast forward two weeks: I am getting a shower and I open a bottle of body wash I had bought. This is the same body wash I use at my SO's house. I am in LDR so sex is only about once every two months. ( I am sure you can see where this is going). After sex I usually get a shower and use the same body wash.
Using this body wash brings back wonderful sexy time memories. Having a removable shower head, and the smell of this wonderful body wash I proceed to take care of myself. The mind is a wonderful thing and scent is one of the most powerful senses. I just lose myself in the warm water and vivid memories.
Then I start to climax. As many women will tell you, when you reach that really strong, amazing climax that makes your legs weak and shake, it is sometimes hard to keep quiet. I guess I got a little loud. Enjoying the moment, I just keep going with the moans, the legs quivering until I reach the peak and just let it all out. That's when I hear my son banging at the door yelling.
Thank god we have a door that locks. Yelling out that everything was ok I proceeded to dry off and exit the bathroom, where my teenage son is just walking out of his room. His face gets all red and he looks away. I know he knows, and now he knows that I know he knows... We haven't mentioned it since.
TL:DR Teenage son thought I was dying when in reality I was just enjoying a very good shower.
Edit: Spelling mistakes
Silent-Hex: What's LDR?
Lastredditname: Long distance relationship
Silent-Hex: Damn. I was thinking Long Distance Relationship but when I read that you've been over their house I was confused. Whenever I think LDR I always think a bunch of fucking miles away.
Lastredditname: 4 hours apart. Now 10hrs apart. To me it's still a LDR when I can see him only every other month.
Silent-Hex: Shit my (Kinda) girlfriend is like 30 minutes away and I call that a long distance relationship. If I don't want to walk there then it's a LDR. The funny part is I run Track almost every day and I hate walking anywhere.
moodzyy: I'm envious if you think 30 minutes is a LDR. Try 8 hours
Silent-Hex: Geez. That's hard. At least it's not a Catfish.
| 8 | 12.125 | |
1377565466 | 1377609084 | null | t5_2to41 | 69 | [deleted]: TIFU by fingering my gf
So, it was a pretty normal afternoon, school let out and we walked to her house to hang out for a few hours before I had to leave (they have family night on mondays) We were just sitting on the couch, watching tv, when things got a little out of hand.. We thought her parents wouldn't be home for another half hour or so, but her dad came home early and walked in to us on the couch with my hand in her pants. I hurried and pulled my hand out, acted casual in case he hadn't seen or noticed, but he said he wanted to talk to her and stormed up to his room, her following behind. He talked to her, and I ended up going home so they could have family night, but I don't think I'll be going over there again anytime soon..
wherestheorangesoda: Second time I've read this today haha. It'll be ok Ty
[deleted]: O.o shh... How you know my name?
wherestheorangesoda: We're always watching ;)
[deleted]: Creepy..
aliensarecomingtous: Is Ty short for anything?
jerry121212: Probably Tyler
DividendDial: No. That's not it.
199Eight: How about Tyreese or Tyrone?
bigfish899: This kid is 14 getting this kind of ass, I'm kind of pissed
199Eight: I agree. Where I live at, this is mostly a normal occurrence.
| 11 | 6.272727 | |
1377572992 | 1377801864 | null | t5_2to41 | 39 | Talvanen: TIFU by breaking the one rule I had for the first day back to college: don't blurt out something stupid in class.
I am 25 and a sophomore in college. I am typically fairly competent when it comes to social interaction. I outgrew my "That Guy" stage years ago, and now I get to silently cringe in class when someone else is being "That Guy" and running their stupid goddamn mouth about some shit they don't even understand.
So today was going very well. I had math class at the crack of dawn, because fuck you brain. We jumped right into some new stuff that I hadn't seen before. I didn't get through all the problems in class but I was happy that I at least understood the material for the most part.
Then it was off to Political Science. Again, things went well. Turns out the teacher is German, which is fun because I speak a little German. We had a nice conversation before class (in German) and then, of course, I quieted down as class got going and just politely took notes. This is the class that had a couple "That Guy"s in it saying things like, "I don't know if you're aware, *professor*, but Wikipedia is telling me that there are actually MORE than two political parties in America."
Side note: You sound incredibly stupid and arrogant when you say things like this. I don't know who you are, Back Row Crocodile Dundee Hat Guy, but you seem to be a douche and I can feel the palpable cringe settle on the room when you talk.
Anyway, I had another nice chat with the professor after class, then I had an awesome workout, showered and changed and hung out with friends for a bit while I finished my math homework. At this point I'm elated because the first day of school LAST year I hadn't slept at all, had tripped multiple times in front of cute girls, kept saying *incredibly* stupid things in class because I was sleep deprived and over caffeinated...it was just a mess.
Then I went to my last class of the day, anthropology. So I'm sitting there like, "ah yeah, I'm totally going to get through the entire day without saying anything stupid! This is like a first for me."
Just about 3/4 of the way through class, the professor is trying to get this website to work. I happen to know that this website doesn't require you to put "www" in the url, which the professor keeps doing.
So I know that the browser would still know how to resolve the site, and the site must be down. The professor tries with multiple browsers, because people think that changes something for some reason, and of course the site is down so we get no response.
I could have just let her keep trying for like *20 more seconds* and then she would have given up and moved on, but noooooo, I had to loudly *blurt* out, "uh, see, 'www' is the top level domain, so you don't need to put that there, and uh, 'http://' isn't needed either because the browser knows how to resolve the host'."
At this point I realize two things: I'm being That Guy, and I don't know what the fuck I'm even talking about. Seriously, I have no idea if any of that is even remotely accurate. My brain evidently decided that the whole class just *had* to hear me be all fancy and techy. Goddamn it.
So the professor rolls her eyes and goes, "yes, *thank you*. I'll ask for your help when I need it, though", and the whole class snickers.
I almost made it, but I fumbled the social ball in the last fifteen minutes :(
Nobody will even remember this next class, but nobody likes to be publicly shamed. Why can't I just keep my mouth shut? It's one thing to participate in class discussions, it's another to be an obnoxious know-it-all.
TL;DR: I was a loudmouthed know-it-all in my final class for the day even though I promised myself I wouldn't be, and as a result I was very mildly publicly shamed. So now I stick out in this class when I would have otherwise been fine. People will forget, but I am trying to keep these kinds of incidents to a minimum. I'm actually working hard on being a more socially graceful person. I feel like when I talk I try too hard to sound intelligent, which just makes me sound insecure. Confident people don't feel the need to drop ten-dollar-words all the time, because they know they have the "green light" socially to say what's on their mind. Or something like that.
Ninja edit: I just read through this again, and I realize that I'm coming off a bit Asperger-y. I think that's just because I'm exhausted from the long day and the change in my sleep schedule. I'm a pretty normal guy. I work out a lot, play guitar and party with my friends. I even have decent luck with the ladies. I'm just a little sensitive to committing faux pas and I tend to be really hard on myself about them.
grammarpolice13: As someone WITH Asperger's, imagine a day like today, but every day, and constantly berating yourself the second it leaves your mouth.
People with Asperger's can have social lives, relationships and be physically fit. (Heck, they can even be your professors!)
flippitydip: I know this one guy with Asperger's and I could never tell that he had it until his brother told me. He is completely normal from what I can tell.
grammarpolice13: I wasn't diagnosed until I was 16, after my then 1-year old cousin was diagnosed with autism.
flippitydip: Something similar kinda happened to me with anxiety disorder. I constantly felt stressed out about everything and I figured everyone else felt the same way so I would constantly kick my own ass about it. Until this one week where it got so bad that I could barely walk. Turns out I've had it for a good portion of my life and didn't even know. It's always weird when you actually notice that there might be something wrong with you ya know?
grammarpolice13: I know exactly what you mean! I wasn't diagnosed with Asperger's until I was 16. (And I also have anxiety so I understand your point of view as well.)
That being said, I think I messed up my one shot at a job during the interview. I mentioned, during the same interview, that I have Asperger's and have not had a job previously. Interview was on Monday and I still haven't heard back.
| 6 | 6.5 | |
1377575039 | 1377730425 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | R2platt123: TIFU-By insulting my father
Today I fucked up- This is a great story, so to give some back from information on this everyone needs to know that my dad recently went under a operation that went badly with his teeth. So currently he is missing is top row teeth. I have already had a hard time not laughing when he yells at me because it's hard to take it seriously. So thats kind of how this story starts, Well today was a relatively normal day went to school, came home did some homework and went on my merry way to scouts. It was a normal Boy Scout meeting we sat there made fun of each other and what now, well of course someone made a commit about me going bald (which I don't think I am yet) so of course my dad joins the band wagon of this saying something along the lines of " This is the future you are looking at, while he points at his head," and my DUMBASS self had to make the great comeback of "well at least i will have my teeth". Granted he took this quite well for the moment but I knew as soon as we were out of ear shot I was going to be strangled. Sure enough leaving Scouts I got a earful of how disrespectful I am this that and the other, thankfully I got off with a week of no car and no personal freedom, all and all it could have been much much worse!
TIFU By insulting my dad
Today_I_fucked_up: Can't blame this one on you, OP. As soon as your dad joined in he opened himself up. He should be proud to have such a witty son.
Edit: I suck at spelling.
R2platt123: His biggest problem was at the time was that his son (me) who is 17, just insulted him (55)
Today_I_fucked_up: Ah yes. I hadn't looked at it that way.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1377580355 | 1377611047 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | xXFlyguy373Xx: TIFU by making a weed joke with my mom behind me
So my friends and i were playing truth or dare late tonight. This girl and I had this joke that she could get me weed from her parents. We were playfully insulting eachother and I said to her well even if you got me weed i wouldn't smoke it. As I was saying this it was like in those shows where people are like looking at you to shut because there is someone behind you. When I finished I looked behind me and saw my mom standing right there. She then told me it was time to come home. First off my would never have thought i had anything to do with weed.Now all my friends there were older than me and my mom doesn't like that i hang out with them, but when we got back I went straight to bed. Then typed this up.
Sorry if i made any mistakes I only have access to my 3ds right now.
CapgrasX13: So I assume you're in high school then? You can either talk to her about it (BE HONEST, I can't stress that enough - it's better to argue once and be able to move on as adults then to build a web of lies and mistrust that will never go away once you get older) or not, once you move out on your own it won't matter at all anymore.
This sounds like more of a problem with your friends' and their sense of humor than her thinking you have a weed habit or anything like that. If she makes a big deal out of it, prove to her that you're smart, understand the nature (and danger) of drugs and their use, and aren't putting yourself in dangerous situations (at least it sounds like you're not. Your post makes it sound like you were just hanging out with a few friends at someone's house). It may be a bit of a fight to get her to be okay with your friends, but that's what growing up is about. You'll get through this, just know what you did, realize (from your story, there may be more I don't know) you did nothing wrong and aren't guilty of anything, and be upright. Don't shy from conflict or overreact and throw a fit. You need to prove you can be an adult. All parent-child relationships go through this at some(/many) point(s).
[deleted]: ^agreed, my mom went through a phase of thinking all i did was drugs (i do smoke occasionally but never if i have anything to do) she accused me of sniffing nail polish to get high (im a guy and was going through tha emo phase). Just calmly explain the situation and if she starts getting heated, wait for her to cool down and calmly try again.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1377554657 | 1377617509 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | Arat90: TIFU and realized I missed one of my auto insurance payments
FUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKK MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE SIDEWAAAAAAAAAAAYS!!
I am so unbelievably LIVID with myself at the moment, I want to clone myself so that I can just beat the shit out of myself.
I need to release this to the wonderful community of /r/tifu because you guys will already know that I'm a complete dumbass.
**Short version of my backstory**: A LOT of shit happened in my life, most of it honestly not my fault, some of it, completely my fault. Anyway, life has thrown huge lemons at me in the form of debt, gargantuan amounts of debt. I was dodging everything for a long time but started getting my shit together at the beginning of this year. So basically I make 5 debt payments a month, it used to be 6, but I cleared it a couple of months ago (YAY).
One of these payments is my auto insurance, which my mom has helped me with one and off every two months or so since she knows I'm struggling with money. Well a 2 months ago she tells me all I have to do is pay July and August-October will be covered.
This is the first part that I fucked up. I shouldn't have agreed to let her do it, it's already embarrassing enough that she has to help me, and 3 months is a lot of money, she shouldn't have to pay that much just for me.
Part 2 of my fuck up: I **didn't** check my account to make sure August was paid, so lo and behold now I have an extremely late payment and my agent has been trying to get a hold of me but I just find out today that he had the wrong email address all along. FUCK. I don't know what the late policy is going to be for this one, I don't know if my insurance will be fucked now because of this.
The third part of my fuck up is that I should have just taken care of all this shit on my own from the get go. I HATE that I let this happen, I shot myself in the foot and I deserve to just get it amputated at this point. I feel like a freaking dumbass.
I don't know how I'm going to be able to pay this off, I have a couple of payments coming up and rent and I'm freaking out. There's not enough time in a day for me to work and not enough money to make all of this go away.
I'm so dumb!!!!
**TLDR:** Missed my auto insurance payment because I'm irresponsible, now I'm freaking out because I don't know if I have enough money to cover the late policy and afford rent and my other payments for this month.
Thanks for letting me vent.
the95th: Relax, being stressed will not help you, i know that sounds ridiculous in this current situation.
Remember, money is just that. Money, it is not the be all and end all of life. Take note that your family have stepped up and have helped you. They are worth more then a bank balance.
Now, i dont know how it works in the US, but call your agent, explain the situation. Honesty is the best policy. Call your mum explain the situation once again. Ask her to instead of pay October, help pay the late fee. You can pay your insurance in october, she will hopefully front the cash this month to cover your slight fuck up.
Now, with your last few dollars, go get a calendar. write down the date of every bill and keep it in plain site.
Arat90: Hey, thanks for your reply. Yeah, I was pretty worked up yesterday when I typed that post out so thank you for approaching me in a calm manner and offering advice, I really appreciate it.
I emailed and called my agent when I got off work and luckily, he's an amazing guy and was able to help me out. My policy is being reinstated at the moment and I just had to make the payment (no late fee included). He said he'll get a hold of me when everything gets sorted out.
I really don't want my mom to have to pay anything, I already hate that she's still working and honestly, I should be saving more money anyway. I feel like letting her help me out will just give me an excuse to be more loose with my spare cash.
You're totally right, I'm going to get calendar and make sure I have every month physically mapped out to avoid this from happening again.
Thank you friend!
jidgeruth: The insurance agents don't typically care, as long as you pay up. Look on the bright side, at least you didnt get in an accident during thst period where you weren't up to date on the bill, then you would have been screwed. But in this case, no harm, no foul.
Arat90: That's really good to know, definitely lifts a weight off my shoulders. So true, thanks again!
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1377611673 | 1377651308 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,310 | loudness_: TIFU by stopping an episode of domestic violence.
I've never been one to leave things alone when I don't agree with what's happening. Today (well, last night, actually) I fucked up by getting involved in a physical fight between a couple that was happening on the street outside my apartment. No, I didn't get hurt or arrested; I fucked up by getting involved, and it ruined my night, because my girlfriend of 9 years thinks I'm an idiot for helping out.
I had a long day, but was just coming back from a weekend business trip. I work in a creative field that involves lots of traveling, lots of long hours, and huge projects with millions of dollars at stake. I had a major project this weekend with a client, and it went better than expected. I returned to the office Monday to a standing ovation from my co-workers, and was incredibly happy with my work. Rather than take my friends up on their usual post-work round of celebratory drinks, I had one goal in mind: a dinner-and-drinks date with my girl of 9 years (we live together, are engaged, etc. etc. Very serious relationship).
As we were leaving our apartment, I heard a woman scream. I look to my left, and see a man, slightly smaller than me, with his hand around a woman's throat. She looks terrified, and is being held up against a brick wall while he pounds said wall around her, yelling at her loudly.
I don't know if I was supposed to censor myself, but I immediately spoke up and started walking towards the scene.
"This is not happening. Get your hands off of her RIGHT NOW."
The dude looks up and sees a guy larger than him (I'm 6'2 with a football player build, he a somewhat skinny guy about 5'11), and immediately issues one final slap to the woman and lets her go. I start yelling at him while walking towards him to chase him away.
"If I EVER see you in my neighborhood again, I'm calling the police. If I ever see you lay your hands on this woman or anyone else EVER AGAIN, I'm bypassing the police and laying you out right where you are, you understand me, asshole?" The whole time I'm yelling at him, he's backing off like he knows he fucked up.
Then, as I'm calling the police to report this jackoff, his girl/victim starts yelling at me to back the fuck out. I turned around and looked her square in the eye and told her the truth:
"Look, be as pissed as you want, but you don't deserve to put up with that crap. Respect yourself more than that, he obviously doesn't."
My words fell on deaf ears, as she ran after him. They both disappear into the night, and I call in the incident to the local police, with a complete description of the assailant and victim.
I turn around, and my girl is livid. "Why do you always have to get involved? You don't know if that guy had a gun on him, he could've killed you! You don't know how crazy these people are, he could've gone off after you!"
Date ruined.
We got in the car, and all the way to the restaurant we'd chosen, I got to hear how I'm completely insensitive to her needs -- after all, this guy saw her as part of the incident, and she was now scared that he'd come after her and assault her on the street. She's scared that he might have a weapon and come after me, and injure her in the process.
I heard on and on for the next 20 minutes about how big of an asshole I am, about how I have no consideration for her safety, and etc. etc. etc. On and on and on, to the point where I'm almost in tears because she's being so insensitive.
She then transitions to the silent treatment. We get to the place we're supposed to have dinner, and she refuses to leave the car. Tells me the night's ruined, and to take her home. I do.
We get home, she does her normal routine of getting on the iPad and blocking me out. Anytime I say anything, she cuts me off and says to shut up. That I'm an idiot. That I can't ever just leave anything alone, and that she can't believe I'd put her safety in question over some "ghetto fight". I got to hear a lot of negative things about myself.
After taking it in stride, knowing I did the right thing, I finally blew up at her. I told her that if she were in a similar situation, I hope someone would step in to her aid. And that I don't particularly care if she's upset, that I know my actions were sound. I may have saved that girl's life; I may have prevented a serious injury; I may have wised her up to not having to live a life of abuse. I may have done absolutely no good, and things won't change for either of them, but I still had to try.
I sat up, alone, feeling really shitty about myself. I still stand by what I did, but I can't shake how horrible my girl made me feel. First chance for a night out together in a week, and last chance for a while due to our horrendous work schedules, and it was ruined by me getting involved. I know I didn't really fuck up, but it sure feels like it.
TL;DR: Fucked up by stopping an incident of domestic violence. Girlfriend was more concerned that my involvement put her at risk, and spent the rest of the night telling me what an awful person I am and using it as a chance for many personal attacks.
Lordica: Wow. Give the speech you gave to that girl to yourself. You did *not* fuck up, you did what any decent human being would have done. Your GF should have been proud of you, not given you shit. Thank you for caring, please don't stop.
Lordica: Hey! Reddit Gold? Thanks! I've never been gilded before.
amoquisque: You have now, m'lordica.
TheMNP: Nice
tmotom: Choice.
ewewmjuilyh: of
iwan_w: Penis!
dabockster: [VAGINA](http://youtube.com/watch?v=sc-099OMn3E)
| 9 | 256.666667 | |
1377613477 | 1377730623 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by not knowing my password
This actually happened right after I finished building my PC last year. Any ways I had gotten windows all installed and set up. All I needed to do now was log on to install whatever program I wanted on there and I would be totally done. However when I went to log on my usual password didn't work. So I kept trying. Somehow I guess when I set my password I hit the wrong key in the same way both when I set the password and when I confirmed it. Most likley my PW was completley right except one random letter was wrong and I had no clue what it might be. Since i had never even logged on there was no way I could get my PW back without some major hax. So basically that entire night of setting up windows was wasted and I had to do it again the next day.
TL;DR: When setting my password for windows I managed to put the same typo in both fields and had to reinstall becaus I didn't know what the typo was.
Ourous: The entire night?
I can get Windows and most programs on a machine in less than 2 hours.
[deleted]: Not the entire night but it was my first time doing that so it was pretty slow. And my dad was helping me. While he may know what he is doing, he does not get things done fast let me tell you.
Ourous: Ah, first time windows installer.
[Do yourself a favour](https://ninite.com/)
[deleted]: Oh yeah I've seen this. Hopefully I'll remember it next time I do a PC build because it is a nice thing.
| 5 | 2 | |
1377617050 | 1377653325 | null | t5_2to41 | 362 | i_fucked_mustard: TIFU by fucking a jar of relish
I read a post on Reddit recently about a guy who fucked a jar of peanut butter and I thought about how awesome that would feel.
So earlier today when my housemates were all out and I had a bit of me time, I decided I'd try it out. I figured I'd just throw it away when I'm done and buy a new jar, no harm done. Unfortunately we didn't have any peanut butter in the house, but at the back of the cupboard I did find an old jar of hotdog relish that hadn't been used in about 9 months. I seem to recall it tasting pretty disgusting, but the chunky texture seemed perfect for my activities.
Little did I realise that this particular brand of hotdog relish contains mustard, and about 10 seconds into the activity my member started to feel a bit hot, and about 15 seconds in I was running to the cold tap because it felt like my cock had been stung by a swarm of angry japanese wasps.
**tl;dr** - I need a girlfriend that isn't condiment based
mfizzled: The thing that got me was that you used a 9 month old jar. Come on, if you're going to fuck a jar of something it should at least be fresh. Plus you should've put it in the microwave for a bit
Workacc1: Because I'm sure he actually did it...
I mean, how do you even do that, you can't take it off center, so you'd have to put it on the floor (preferably linoleum) and do dive bomber push-ups to have sex with it.
Didn't happen.
jutct: You people. There's just no need for someone to speculate that something didn't happen. No one cares.
Workacc1: Read the story, it doesn't make sense.
Every relish that I have ever known has been mostly liquid, meaning that when you tip it, it would spill all over. Apply that to having sex with it. Only thing I could come up with is a variation of what I said.
I really don't care if people believe it or not. Just think about it for 5 seconds and leave with whatever feeling/emotion you want.
tarnishednite: Let us have our delusions that bring about the ego boost associated with saying to ourselves "At least I didn't try to fuck a jar of relish."
| 6 | 60.333333 | |
1377619132 | 1377625394 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by exposing myself
on skype, got blackmailed, the person threatened to send pics and videos to my family and friends on facebook if i don't send 300. which i did. so my life is ruined. not the best subreddit but whatever.
poeslugia: Sent 300 what? Why is life ruined? Were you committing an illegal act while nude?
BugattiBeefCake: Yeah, how were we meant to understand what this person meant at all?
| 3 | 2 | |
1377628782 | 1377830615 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | daringconfection: TIFU by buying a cheaper bottle of lighter fluid
Dear Reddit,
Today, I made a fuck up. I woke up this morning like I do every other day. I rose from my slumber to walk outside in my dressing gown and smoke my first cigarette of the day. Whilst smoking, I wondered how little fuel I had left in my zippo. I refill my lighter every few days with Zippo brand fluid, and had finished the container 4 days before. I believed that I would be fine for another day or so.
I continued with my activities for the day, when I went to meet my girlfriend for lunch. We ate at Subway, just so you're all aware. I had a Steak & Cheese on Wheat bread, which although was placed in the toaster, was still quite "bready".
Once I finished my sub, I walked outside to have a cigarette. I pulled my lighter out. *sshht* *sshht*. "Fuck, I'm out of petrol".
We walked to at least 6 shops, where they sell authentic zippo fluid, but none had any stock. I decided to go to the market, as there is a stall that sells lighters, rolling papers, blunt wraps, pipes etc. I saw, on the shelf, a bottle of lighter fluid. Not zippo, or Ronsonol, but "Clipper". Which is seen as quite a reliable brand in the UK.
I didn't hesitate to buy said fuel as soon as I heard the price was a third of the price of proper Zippo fuel.
I was looking forward to having a smoke, so I quickly filled my lighter, but I knew something was amiss. The smell was pungent, and stung the nostrils. It smelt like pure gasoline. I decided, "fuck it", lit a Lucky Strike and was blown away by the disgusting taste in my mouth. This smoke wasn't smooth or satisfying, but was laced with chemical and disappointment. I regretted my purchase immediately.
Yours,
daringconfection
TL;DR I bought rocket fuel for my lighter and it tastes like shit.
[deleted]: > TIFU by smoking
FTFY
daringconfection: I don't smoke around others without their consent, I'm only harming myself and I previously quit for 8 months, until the summer came and then I decided to smoke some cigarettes.
I'm pretty much only harming myself but I intend to quit again once the weather gets bad here.
[deleted]: just giving you shit!
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1377633899 | 1377647993 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | person19506: TIFU by failing my driving test for the second time
I seriously deserve it. I made the same mistake twice. Did not yield on left turn.
My brain is fucked up. My dad is going to murder me. Fuck this shit. College starts next month so if I fail again, god have mercy.
SilentScience: Don't feel so bad, man. Back in the day when I took my driver's test I failed the first time because I wasn't very good on the freeway. I passed and so will you. Just review the manual, keep at it and know that when you do pass you will be a very prepared driver.
XenoReseller: I failed my first test because I was so nervous. I was really disappointed because I was a really good driver until the instructor got in the car. I still haven't retaken it :/
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1377633346 | 1377640550 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | StopHittingOnMe: TIFU by (temporarily) disabling my arm
So I wake up this morning and my arm just hangs off my body like a piece of string. Naturally I began to yell blood curdling screams. I'm just staring at my arm and thinking of "amputation" while my family wakes up (it's 5 am) and rushes to me In the living room. I yell "MY ARM" in a terrorized voice and they could see how immobilized it was. They weirdly react by getting ice and running it all over my arm and face. I suddenly get sensation in my arm and I start to laugh. My mother promptly gave my a back hand to the face because of the stress I gave her. I guess I just slept on it for too long.
NinjaCoachZ: [So, your mother began getting stressed out because she thought you broke your arm?](http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_maid5teNDX1rgjzhqo1_500.gif)
atlasthebard: No.
| 3 | 5 | |
1377643173 | 1377657211 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | [deleted]: TIFU by going full crazy
I am a train wreck right now. I hooked up with my new roommate a couple of times and we just kind of never acknowledged it. I've only lived with this dude for a month and we didn't know each other before I moved in.
I was cool with the situation but THEN I got fucking *hammered* last night and activated crazy mode. I honestly don't remember much of what I said, but I am absolutely certain it was terrible and humiliating. I do know that I asked him if he thinks I'm ugly and it's all just awful.
Also I'm pretty sure that I tried to seduce him on top of that. After all the whining and weirdness.
So now I'm feeling tragic and I don't want to go home because I made it awkward and I really don't want to have to move. I just can't with any of this.
TLDR - I might have told my brand new roommate that I love him or something
[deleted]: Happens to the best of us. Own it. It hurts at first but you'll be able to laugh about it later. Alcohol is known for activating crazy mode. I've done worse. Much worse. If you want stories I got em!
Just go up to him (or text, whatever) and be like, "Listen, that was fucked up. I got all fucking weird and wahtever. No idea where it came from, but sorry."
Guys are pretty straighforward. You don't have to do anything special, just tell him your stress is getting to you or something and say sorry and promise to never do it again. Guys are pretty much the shit.
bigboypants26: Yes, this. As a guy, this does work. My wife has had to apologize like this several times and it always works. We're still together after many years cuz we could talk to each other like bros.
| 3 | 9 | |
1377717044 | 1377727094 | t3_1l80hn | t5_2to41 | 7 | Smokyo7: You sound like a moron, listing your drug resume on the Internet like this gives you some sort of credibility. Nothing changes the simple fact that you are 17 and gave drugs to a 16 year old first timer in a completely idiotic scenario. Bravo.
APlaidZebra: Thanks. I know it doesn't give me credibility, but don't tell me I haven't been around the block simply because of my age. You don't know anything about me except for the fact that this shit storm happened because of a bad decision I made. Why do you think I put this in TIFU if you think that I feel like I haven't fucked up?
Smokyo7: > this shit storm happened because of a bad decision I made.
Exactly. Time to go around the block a few more times. Oh and citing erowid as your go to source for drug information is hilarious.
> Why do you think I put this in TIFU if you think that I feel like I haven't fucked up?
I think you posted it because you were under the assumption people would sympathize with your dangerous and negligent actions. Instead you are being told what a dumbass thing it was to do and you feel the need to reply trying to justify your actions.
APlaidZebra: I expected both sympathy and negative comments, just not as negative as some of them were.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1377648643 | 1377737942 | null | t5_2to41 | 261 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting fingered at my boyfriend's house
So this was actually a few months ago, but I decided you guys would enjoy this one. So some background: My boyfriend and I usually went over his house for sexy times because my house has absolutely no privacy. His mother is a gynecologist and is often out late for surgeries, so we have the house to ourselves. I had gone over his house after school one day, and got straight to business. We were both shirtless and i was in only a skirt, so fingering was pretty easy access. While he's doing this, I hear a car pull in the driveway, but think nothing of it, as he has a bunch of close neighbors, and his mother was supposed to be working late that night. Well, I was wrong. Within 2 minutes of hearing that car, the door is shoved open and there's his mother. She tells us to put our clothes on and proceeds to give a 45 minute in depth lecture on how contraception works and that I should be on it if we plan on ever being alone together. She finishes this lovely speech by telling me that if I get pregnant with her son's child, she will not be performing the abortion. We spent the rest of the evening sitting awkwardly on his living room couch until my dad picked me up.
Psionx0: That could have been far worse. She did the motherly and sane thing by explaining life to you (I'm sure you heard it before) and basically made it clear that she is okay with you and her son being human, just to be sure and be safe.
mankstar: Yeah.. That happened to me except the genders were reversed and her mom called the cops on me and hit me with a door i was hiding behind by slamming it into me.
This was a much better situation and she's honestly right.
Alpha-Leader: Well in her mom's defense...the age difference does matter.
killerteddybear: Ah, the old reddit switcheroo...
| 5 | 52.2 | |
1377652707 | 1377719406 | null | t5_2to41 | 984 | Engineer_Man: TIFU by farting in a female police officer's face.
So this happened today, I am not sure if I can live down the glare, but I will share with you my pain, and story. Also, for the record I was not arrested or charged.
My work often has me working around emergency services, and therefore emergency service vehicles and emergency service personnel. It just so happens for the past two weeks I have been in the midst of a Police vehicle service centre working with vehicles and electronics contained within.
Last week I was struck down with a cold and vomiting bug, probably a cousin of Norovirus, and spent many an hour not eating and feeling like I had to throw up every 30 minutes. This week however I have bounced back, and along with the energy and enthusiasm came my appetite. I have been relishing the ability to eat spicy food after a week of bland water a dry crackers, so I may have over eaten on some wonderful nachos and jalapenos last night for dinner, with smokey chipotle tabasco sauce.......mmmmm *drool*
So here I was working inside one of these vehicles, past the normal knock off time of most of the crew as I have extended access, headphones on listening to some wonderful glitch hop. I am working with my top half in the vehicle when I feel a rumble in my bowels. The sort of rumble where you know whatever is brewing is going to be worthy of recording and uploading to Soundcloud (if you are into that type of thing). So over the period of a few minutes I feel this enormous fart move its way through my intestines until it is primed ready to fire.
I am now bent over, working away set for main event when I feel a tickle in my ribs. Thinking nothing on it I continue working and bop along when I feel it is time to pull the pin and release this monster I had caged inside of me. The moment I straighten up slightly, cock my leg and release this enormous, gut wreneching, sphincter flapping monstrosity I look over my left shoulder to see a petite female officer in uniform bent over trying to get my attention by poking me in the ribs, her face, with a confused look on it, mere inches away from my rear end.
Time stopped, I am sure time stopped. It felt like a good 10 minutes passed where we both just stood there, staring at each other, eyes locked both knowing what happened. My lips are flapping trying to apologise. I am suppressing the urge to giggle when the smell hits. A weeks worth of intestinal fermentation being backed by last nights mexican delight smacks us both in the face at the same time.
It think I saw her vomit in her mouth a little before she ran off out of the building.
*tl;dr - Stanky mexican fart right into the face of a police officer, making her mouth vomit and run*
barnacledoor: i love that smokey tabasco sauce.
Engineer_Man: I know right. I could put that on almost anything and it would improve the flavour.
Curious_Ape: try it on tuna. Thats what I mostly use it for. Game changer.
ilikeeatingbrains: My girlfriend got mad.
fuzzybeard: Ah yes, the chipotle-flavored Burning Bush.
ilikeeatingbrains: It's actually the story behind that concert in the desert.
| 7 | 140.571429 | |
1377689324 | 1377720893 | t3_1l7z7f | t5_2to41 | 11 | Noivis: It's been 9 hours...do you think OP committed suicide? Somebody call his real life friends, quick!
runujhkj: Oh god, it's been 15 hours! Come on man, people love you!
whyarereb: I was in school. xD. Sorry
runujhkj: RIP OP sorry you're sad
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1377664290 | 1377712068 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | tvm78: TIFU by locking my bedroom door.
So earlier I went to go into my bedroom, but the door was locked. Turns out I locked it just by habit while walking out (mother fucker I just got blood on my laptop, oh well keep reading). The key to my door was inside my room, so naturally, I tried the usual ways to open a locked door. I tried the credit card technique for a while, to no avail. Next I tried prying off the doorknob, getting metal shavings everywhere, no luck. I tried picking the lock, nope didn't work.
After a while I was desperate and frustrated, so I just started cutting through the door itself, getting wood splinters everywhere. After a good amount of cutting I managed to slide my hand through and unlock it. Now I realize my eye is kinda burning and idk why. I clean up the wood and everything and go to flush my eye out (hope nothing got in my eyelid or something). Flush out my eye and wipe my face with a towel. Boom, nose starts bleeding.
Utterly defeated, burning eye, and bloody nose I sit here typing this story. I hope I can change the door without my landlord finding out or getting pissed. Also hoping my eye burns cause I just rubbed it too hard or something...
gg249: measure your old door
get a new one from home depot
get copy of key made and hide in somewhere outside of your room
last time this will happen to you
ps. you wiped your face with a towel and it made your nose start bleeding?
tvm78: Yea that's what I plan on doing. I wonder when I move out, if he realizes it's a different door, will he make me pay some fine or something? Or do I just not get back my deposit? I'll probably do it at night so he won't see.
And I have been dealing with a nosebleed all week (I get them often for a week at a time usually). Wiping my face just agitated my nose and reignited my nosebleed.
gg249: if it was just a cheap white interior bedroom door, home depot will prob have something that matches almost perfectly. if he does notice, he may try to keep your deposit. he may even try to charge you for ANOTHER new door. just get one that matches!
tvm78: It's a cheap door, hope I can find something similar.
| 5 | 3.4 | |
1377651866 | 1377728779 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | BluCoyote91: TIFU by trusting a customer.
Okay so this actually happened a year or so ago but in the end it worked out. So, I am currently working for a house paints that I was also working at about a year ago. We get a ton of regular customers, many being contractors or designers. There was this one jamacian guy named, let's say A, who would frequent the store. I was the only female working at time and I'm fairly pretty (unless people have been.lying to me ha ha), so he would ocassionaly try to flirt with me. One day just after lunch break, he caught me outside the store and told me "I want to take you away from this". I didn't know what the fuck to think and was a little freaked out before he explained that he was offering me a job. He was opening up his own jamacian café in downtown Brooklyn. He said he was impressed with the way I conducted myself at work, as well as my customer service skills. He offered me a management position at 15 an hour, much better than the nine I was currently making. The only set back seemed to be that the café was still under construction. I however, ignored my gut feeling to say no and took the job. I put off giving my two weeks notice as long as possible given the vague opening date of the café. He was also a total creep once I got the job and would have me come to the store just to flirt with me and talk my ear off about nothing. I tolerated it and figured it was worth the 15. I even got my friend a job starting at a good rate and we both started going together every week or so to help clean up or plan out promotions. At this point I had given my notice and was no longer working. It was great to have some time off at first but after week three I began to get nervous. I had no income, still had to travel to check in at the café, and there was no end in sight to the construction. Everytime I came in, everything looked exactly the same as before. I expressed my concerns and he agreed to pay me a little bit for my troubles. We started off with $300. He also constantly asked me if the check had gone through, should've known at that moment something was up. I was just happy I had some money. It was also around this time that I found out all the other employees were around ten years older than me and my friend. So at this point, my title as manager was just that and nothing more. Anywho, a few days passed and I had gotten a call from the bank saying that my account was overdrawn by over $200. I was shocked as I had requested my card simply not go through if I didn't have the funds. As my card worked everytime I used it, I assumed nothing was wrong. It turns out that my bank had accepted the check and put the money into my account before it cleared with his. The check bounced amd I was basically spending money I didn't have. I called him furious and reminded him thay with my student loans and other bills, that even getting the $500 (to pay the bank for his mistake, and the $300 he owed me), I still needed steady income. I reiterated the fact that I had left my job for this and that there was a drastic waning of my faith in him. We got into a small tift, but he basically had me travel over an hour to collect money in cash this time. When I got there at the agreed time he told me he wouldn't be showing up for about another hour. I hung out at Mickey D's and when I went back, he still kept me waiting for another 15-20 minutes. He finally showed up and things were very awkward and tense. I think it was about this point that I realized he had only really hired me with the thought that he could somehow seduce me. I believe this is also when he realized it wasn't going to happen and that I was becoming a burden. We briefly discussed when he would want me and my friend to come back to help out and we went our own ways. I never heard from him after that. Actually he answered one phone call and ignored any texts, messages or calls I sent him afterward. He was a real scumbad who put me in a bad spot for a while. I ate up my savings trying to survive and I still hate that man to this day. I try my best not to wish bad of anyone, but I kinda hope his business fails. According to yelp it's not doing well. As I'm not allowed to give out persinal info I can't even ask that anyone boycoty this place. All I will say is that I hope that the jamacian resturant, on the corner by the G train in downtown brooklyn across the street from the other cafe and the tire shop, gets the least amount of customers it can. The owner is a dick.
radmachina: I hope that you did something way better for your next job.
BluCoyote91: I worked at a cafe for a while, but then I landwd a job teaching art to kids foe more than what he was offering. I also got mybold job back part time with a higher rate. The school program ended after spring but I'm now working at a dental lab and plan to join the air force. Honestly things are better than before.
radmachina: That sounds good. At least things worked out for the better.
I work in retail in Midtown, I don't trust anything my customers offer me, even if it seems better than my current gig.
BluCoyote91: Thanks, things are working out for me, little by little.
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1377645332 | 1378161561 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | dragdollb: TIFU by missing the bus
So i just got off work and i was leaving the shop to walk to the bus station. As soon as i start i see the bus coming up the hill. To try not to inconvenience the bus i started running/skipping/walking to try to catch up to it. I made it to the rear of the bus the bitch pulls off. And just when i thought it couldn't get any worse i turn around and see a Google Maps car. I have dreamed of this day and it was ruined. Not only was i not able to pose it caught me running/skipping/walking. I'm fairly sure i saw the driver laughing hysterically.
Tl;dr: Google Maps car recorded me embarrassingly trying to catch my bus.
Anyone know how long it usually takes to update?
inevitabled34th: What street was this on? What city, state, country? Time?
dragdollb: I'm curious of why...
inevitabled34th: I want to look it up on google earth/maps
dragdollb: I've been looking every once in a while. I know it takes them a while to update.
| 5 | 3.2 | |
1377681400 | 1377748015 | null | t5_2to41 | 749 | buildthisnotthat: TIFU by getting a lap dance (NSFW)
My girlfriend and I went out for happy hour and started drinking rather early to celebrate my cake day. Later in the evening after we were good and toasty we taxied back to the house. In the cab she whispered in my ear that she had something special for me when we got home. Instantly I'm interested. I had the biggest grin on my face for the next ten minutes. We walk into the living room, she sat me on the couch and told me not to move. She dimmed the lights, put on NERD and disappeared in the bedroom.
When she reappeared a few minutes later she was wearing a long hooded cape, a see through lace nighty and super sexy high heals. Next thing I know she starts doing a strip tease, prancing around the living room looking sexy as hell. Immediately, I'm stoked and horny as fuck. This girl can dance, she is a professional ballerina. So grace, elegance and a body to die for is putting it mildly. Gorgeous is an understatement.
Off comes the cape and she's getting down and dirty. She put a stool in the middle of the living room floor. She's straddling the stool, touching herself and giving me a proper show... I notice she is a bit wobbly in the heals because the wood floors are slippery and she's all kinds of drunk. But I don't give it much thought cause everything else she's doing has my undivided attention.
This sexy solo dance goes on for a couple of songs and I'm enjoying every minute of it. Next thing I know she struts across the living room towards me and starts dancing up in my lap, rubbing her gorgeousness all over me. Putting her pussy up in my face. She is teasing me and it's totally working. I'm so horny I can't hardly stand it. Also, I'm drunk as shit so I'm slouched on the couch. Her back is to me and she's twerking her ass up and down in my face.
Next thing I know, those slippery heals on the wood floor get the best of her. Her feet slip out from under her. A split second later her ass slammed down on me mid chest. She knocked the wind out of me for a good 30 seconds. I kinda noticed that my back felt jacked up but I brushed it off. She was totally apologetic and embarrassed. I didn't want her to feel bad so I made some joke about what happened and lightened the mood. We sat next to each other and laughed about what happened for a few minutes. But, I was so horny sex was consuming my mind. Less than ten minutes later we were fucking, having fun and feeling real good.
Next morning I wake up rather early. First thing I notice is a sharp pain in my side when I'm laying in bed. I twist to get up and the pain is increasingly more sharp. I touch my side and now the pain is excruciating. Every deep breath I take there is stabbing pain. I wake her up. She touches my side and the pain is horrible. We go to the ER. I have two cracked ribs.
alienfrog: Doesn't matter, had sex.
buildthisnotthat: Very true.
jutct: Your girlfriend sounds hot as fuck. You must be a fucking stud. Why do you reddit?
buildthisnotthat: I'm not a stud at all, not even close. We are quite the mismatched couple in that respect. When we go out we get tons of double takes and sometimes rude ass people - mostly jock looking douche bags - stare. She's 5'8" and has a body to die for. I'm 5'1" and weigh in at about 165lbs. I reddit cause I am geeky as fuck. I'm just one lucky geek.
jutct: Well good for you man. Based on your comments, you seem really cool. Girls like a guy that's funny and cool. Also, don't sell yourself short(fuck I just realized this and didn't mean the pun). 5'1" and 165 isn't some disgusting measurement. I also want to give your girlfriend props because I know way too many girls that "won't date guys shorter than them." I'm 6'3" so it's never affected me but I always tell them they're assholes for caring about some superficial measurement. Even my girlfriend and her friends say this and I get really mad because that's like the stupidest thing ever to care about. I wanna show my gf your post and say "See this girl is hotter than you and your friends and doesn't give a shit, so get the fuck over it."
Lastly, dude ... you're kind of a stud. I like the humble attitude. But good for you.
buildthisnotthat: Thanks for the props! I have never once in my life ever thought I was a stud, but I'm gonna take that compliment in for a moment and enjoy. Honestly, being short has it's perks. Whenever I get hugs my face is right at breast level so that's a bonus. She tells me all the time she loves me cause I make her laugh and I don't take myself to seriously. If a girl wouldn't want to date me based on my height I wouldn't want to be with someone superficial like that anyway. If you show your gf this post and say that to her, I want an update on her reaction.
jutct: Deal, I'll show her. Probably tomorrow because she's passed out asleep right now. I'm really looking forward to it because a lot of girls have this issue. Way to be real, right????
| 8 | 93.625 | |
1377710110 | 1377837178 | null | t5_2to41 | 123 | dgmilo8085: TIFU by trusting a 25 year old idiot to watch my kid and dog for an hour
Running late from work, I asked my 25 year old-college graduate of a cousin if he could watch my kid for an hour until I got home. Stupid me, I assumed that even a 12 year old could handle such a task.
I was wrong.
I came home to my 4 year old climbing on the railing of our balcony and the sitter tells me "I think the dog hurt his leg".
I look at the dog and my 5 month old puppy that we have only officially had for 4 damn days (we participate in rescue/foster dogs and only officially adopted him 3 days before) is writhing in pain.
I ask him what happened, to which his response is, "I don't know" and he leaves. I in turn ask my 4 year old son what happened, and he proceeded to tell me that while he (my 4 year old son) was climbing the railing of the balcony, the dog's foot got caught in the chair... he's four nothing made sense.
So after spending all night at the after hours vet and receiving an estimate for $5k, I now have a dog with a broken leg that I can't afford to fix. And I need to find a new sitter.
TL:DR TIFU by letting an idiot watch my kids and 4 month old puppy, he let the kids climb the balcony and broke my dog's leg. Now i am going to have to put the dog to sleep or get rid of him.
Update: three pins in the femur, a couple sutures & she's home & sedated. Now she'll just need to rest for a while http://imgur.com/FKenAQ5
http://imgur.com/kM298XH
Alpha_Bitch: Don't put the puppy down just for a broken leg. That's crazy.
dgmilo8085: Obviously since we are a foster family, in that we take dogs from shelters so that they don't get put down in situations like this, we aren't going to actually put the dog down. But the vet bill is over $5K and we cannot afford this, so we are going to likely end up turning the dog back over to iCare for them to attempt to raise enough in donations to get the dog the treatment it needs. But that will also mean that we will be giving the dog up.
AcaciaJules: Charge the 25 year old. Cuss him out, tell his parents. Get the bill PAID. Also, invest in some pet insurance. Especially if you foster dogs.
dgmilo8085: Pet insurance was on the list for this this week's activities. Since we just officially adopted her on Monday. Obviously too little too late.
heytheredelilahTOR: Get your vet to do a little creative bill dating. Suddenly, the accident happened *after* you got the insurance. I know it's illegal, but no one will be the wiser.
dgmilo8085: We were able to do a little "creative billing" with the vet. All in all its only going to run us a little over a grand, thanks for the heads up.
AcaciaJules: Oh thank God! I was so worried you guys were going to have to give up your puppy. My dog is everything to me, and from the moment I saw him on PetFinder, I knew he was meant to come home with me. When ever he gets hurt, I feel absolutely helpless and panicked.
That cousin really does need to at least pony up something. He can't just abdicate all responsibility. It makes me sick thinking about what happened.
| 8 | 15.375 | |
1377712509 | 1377726455 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | GordonMaple: TIFU by asking how my boss' vacation went
She told me she'd be out next week, that she was taking a trip back home to Idaho. "Hey, sounds fun, have a great time," I say. She says nothing, we move on to talking business.
Cue to a week later. "Hey Carol, how was your trip back home?" "I was out there for my parents' funeral... so...."
Smooth as butter, baby.
Das_Boot86: Since she didn't state before hand, there is not much you can do to avoid this.
Just say something along the lines of "Oh, I'm sorry for your loss" and move on
revolution1789: Is that a it crowd reference?
Urrrhn: No.
| 4 | 8.5 | |
1377718897 | 1377876012 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | effqueue: TIFU, I ate three Cronuts.
So i got to work, in NYC, a little early and decided to check whether or not the place across the street had anything that could walk me up that didn't have an espresso in it.
Lo and behold, they have fucking Cronuts. Now a Cronut, for those of you who care about things in the world that matter (Cause this doesn't), is a doughnut made with croissant dough and layering, but retro fitted to have doughnut-like qualities, filling, glazzing, fried, etc). They had "plain" which i take to means it will kill you from what's in side it, while the other two, creme brule and lemon merangue, would kill you from both the inside and the outside.
So, being the dumb ass that I am, i buy half a dozen, to the sum of 35 dollars, cause, as i've established in this very sentance, I'm a dumbass. I was under the impression that since they're supposed to be all croissant like, they'd be light These shits is heavy as fuck!
But i head back to the office and proceed to devour 2 of them... mind you i've lost 50lbs since January, and haven't eaten a doughnut in longer, but that's besides the point. At this point, im having slight trouble seeing, cause my eyes are drooping pretty hard and i feel mildly out of it. So after i nearly fall off my chair i realize i fucked up. I chug a bunch of water, and down a red bull zero, which allowed me to be mildly functional. Then not too long ago i ate the last one i hadn't yet tried, the lemon...
Well, i feel like shit physically, and mentally, well, im going to have to do some soul searching... i don't feel right anymore.
ThegreatPee: I hope that English is not your first language.
effqueue: Fuck, oddly enough, it isn't. But I understand.
le_mous: Then way to go, op! You actually successfully articulated some complex idioms and slang phrases in that post.
effqueue: Thank you, but I've lived here my entire life, I'm just really bad at proofreading.
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1377721693 | 1377790168 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,695 | myairblaster: TIFU by asking my girlfriends friend is she wants to have sex with us
My girlfriend and I have had quite a few threesomes in the past so we are pretty comfortable with having another woman in our bed. Last night my girlfriend had her friend over studying for an exam they are both taking. I made them dinner and served a nice bottle of wine. Afterwards I asked if I could make them a drink, several margaritas later and they are finished studying we are on our couch listening to music and drinking.
Now in my stupid man-brain while we were drinking and being social I had thought she was dropping hints, and my girlfriend was dropping hints at her too. She ends up staying the night because she missed her last train home and sleeps on our couch.
The girlfriend and I are both drunk and having sex in our bedroom when we realize that the bedroom door was open and that she could probably hear us. I convinced my girlfriend that we should ask her to join us. My girlfriend is really hesitant but also turned on at the idea so I walk out naked and say to her "sorry about the noise, we didnt notice the door was open" she shyly mumbles something and I continue "We don't want to be rude, maybe you'd like to join us?" She started to well up and cry, my girlfriend comes out, half naked and I hightail it out.
While my girlfriend was calming her down she finds out that her friend thinks she might be pregnant from her ex-boyfriend who she's been recently sleeping while he cheats on his own girlfriend....
**Lesson of the story**
It's easy to mistake sexual hints and flirts when you're drinking....
edit: I accidentally a title.
[deleted]: >thinks she might be pregnant
>served a nice bottle of wine
>several margaritas later
Was she drinking the wine and margaritas?
myairblaster: Yup, this girl drinks a lot and if she wasn't we would've known something was up for sure. So it's safe to assume this girl doesn't have the best judgement...
Kiwispam84: Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and say she's the one who fucked up here.
[deleted]: 2 fuck ups in one post.. Bonus
[deleted]: Twfu ("today we fucked up")
slimeham: One more fuck up and it's a threesome.
[deleted]: Then OP would get what he wanted
Rider_of_Tiny_Horses: And then we'd be left without a fuck up.
JLDIII: That's called a paradox!
lovesfunnyposts: We’ve quips and quibbles heard in flocks,
But none to beat this paradox!
Crazydutch18: Except their Humble Bundle on Steam that is coming.
| 12 | 224.583333 | |
1377723620 | 1377739308 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | ddeburlo: TIFU by holding in a shit too long
This lovely story starts out last night with me ignoring the growing pains in my stomach that were supposed to let me know some serious shit was about to go down (pun totally intended). Instead of listening to these, I decided to go on with my night and head out to the center of campus to hang out with some friends thinking that if it got worse then i would just leave for a bit, do my business, and come back. However, once i got there the need left so i continued on with my night, went back to my room, and went to bed. Today, about an hour ago I decided that I wanted to go hang out in the woods back campus because it was a gorgeous day and i didnt have that much work to do. I get back to one of my favorite spots to sit in, smoke a bowl, and then start to do some reading for school until the need to shit hits me like a ton of bricks. I couldnt walk back to campus, I wouldnt make it because I was a 15 minute walk away from my building. I had to go into the woods in a place no one went. I went as far away from the site i was sitting at as I could before i couldnt go any further and proceeded to have the worst diarrhea of my life. Im crouching there in the forest, my asshole leaking like a broken dam. After it stops, I decide I need to look for something to clean myself up with. No leaves are big enough so I waddled back to my back pack and found a sheet of paper with my name on it that was a name tag for one of my classes. I rip it in half but I have to use the side with my name on it. I do my best but its a god damn war zone in there and a half a piece of paper or leaves is simply not gonna cut it. My boxers somehow got covered in diarrhea so I put those and the piece of paper in a plastic bag I found. I packed up my stuff, and started to walk back to campus, dumping my plastic bag in a dumpster along the way. I end up walking by part of the football team going to the locker room, some soccer players, the local high school cross country team, and finally make it back to my room. I hop in the shower before i do anything else and clean the filth off of me. When I get out of the shower, one look in the mirror reveals that, on top of all of this, I look high as hell and I have a meeting to go to in an hour. Certainly much more adventure than I was expecting on a day when I didnt have class.
TL;DR poor bowel movement decision the night before leads to terrible diarrhea in the middle of the woods forcing me to clean myself up with a sheet of paper with my name on it.
IUindy: To look at the bright side, at least you didn't totally shit your pants and I don't think the counter needs to be reset.
ddeburlo: haha true. I managed to avoid resetting the counter thankfully
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1377725615 | 1377726359 | null | t5_2to41 | 1 | platypus124: Tifu by submitting a link to r/sex
so here is my link http://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/1l9ghj/my_girlfriend_likes_to_be_choked_and_slapped/
OK i fucked up by posting because now my brother knows that I choke my girlfriend and we do weird shit to each other. He keeps giving me shit calling me Lenny (from mice and men) and Kane (bc his wrestling move is the choke slam)
I really posted this up there to see if i was alone in this and to see if there were better ways to please my girlfriend but i guess my brother has to be a dick. I want to post on reddit but i don't want to do a throw away account.
[deleted]: Thank you both, he is a jealous Twat
LegendaryPooper: Yes he is. Keep up the good fight OP
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1377726315 | 1377727044 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: TIFU By making fun of a woman's dead baby.
This actually happened around 2002. A coworker of mine had this girl that he was cheating on his wife with, and she had a roommate that they were trying to hook me up with. We go over to their apartment after working late one night, and we're all sitting around talking, drinking etc. Anyways, the girls start giving us shit in a playful way, and we start doing the same. In the spirit of things, I see a picture of a baby on the wall and, assuming that it was a picture of one of the girls, make a joke about the weird face they were making in the picture. One of the girls breaks down and starts crying, saying that she lost her baby when it was less than a year old, and screams for me to leave.
I had no idea that she had ever had a kid, but it was still monumentally stupid for me to assume that it was one of them. What young person puts up their own baby pictures in their house? I never talked to them again.
Side note: Turns out my friend's wife knew what was going on, and she tried to have sex with me to get back at him. I did **not** fuck up that day, and turned her down.
inevitabled34th: I read the title and lol'd
[deleted]: You might like /r/imgoingtohellforthis
| 3 | 8 | |
1377739026 | 1377883923 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | strat0faster: TIFU by drinking a smoothie.
Alright, so I usually drink a smoothie in the morning for breakfast before I leave for campus. This morning was no different, and I wake up, turn on the blender, and go to make some coffee. I come back, pour my smoothie, and as I'm pouring my infantile brain is seeing bubbles pop in the blender and thinks, "Hey, remember when you used to blow bubbles in your drink when you were like...4?" And so, out of nostalgia, I decide to blow a bubble in my very full smoothie.
Approximately 5 seconds later there's purple goo goes all over the counter and in my face and eyes. Maybe it was the acidity from the pomegranate juice, or maybe just a hunk of fruit, but it has been a long time since my eyes were in that much pain. After cleaning up the fruit and juice ectoplasm from the surrounding area, getting everything out of my eyes, and changing my shirt, I realized that I needed to leave for class. I showed up late with bloodshot eyes, and now everyone thinks that I'm the class stoner =(
Millikan: Can someone explain what happened? How does blowing a bubble in your drink cause it to explode all over the counter? Did you mess with it while the blender was actually going or did it just randomly explode?
strat0faster: Think of a glass, almost completely full with thick, purple, gooey smoothie. My guess is that because it was so viscous, the bubble grew quite large beneath the surface, and then when it finally popped at the surface it sent chunks of fruit and soy milk and pomegranate juice all over my face and the surrounding area.
Millikan: I've just never seen anything like that. I'd think if it was so viscous, it would resist flying everywhere.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1377807428 | 1377873536 | t3_1lb1ca | t5_2to41 | 13 | thatguyoverthere202: If you really think the post was great, you could always buy the person Reddit Gold.
That supports the website that you use for free on a daily basis and it tells the person you really enjoyed their contribution without you having to make irrelevant comments.
Additionally, don't do that, "If I wasn't poor I'd buy you Gold" crap. That still adds nothing to the discussion and it's annoying.
PissOutMyAsss: I bet you're fun at parties.
thatguyoverthere202: I've actually run into you before. I forget where, but the exchange was something similar to this. Why exactly do you object to having a pleasant and meaningful exchange with another person? Are you so socially inept that you lack the capability to do anything more than copy what you see done by other individuals? Do you seriously have the communication skills of a common chimp?
Anomalyzero: Blowing it out of proportion brah. People say things. Like it or not what adds to a conversation is a matter of opinion.
thatguyoverthere202: >what adds to a conversation is a matter of opinion.
I'd disagree. Going off topic and insulting someone can, in no way, add to a conversation.
Anomalyzero: That's your opinion. Common conversations with people don't start with a declaration of purpose and subject and never deviate from them. They're supposed to be fluid.
thatguyoverthere202: Yes, conversations are supposed to be fluid, but telling a story and the having the only response be, "I wish I could laugh twice", would be a stupid and socially unacceptable way to respond.
Anomalyzero: That's like, your opinion, maaan
| 8 | 1.625 | |
1377747788 | 1378533315 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | Sethal4395: TIFU by getting on a bus
This week was my first week of college. I'm starting off small with only two classes a week, but either way, since I don't have a car, let alone a driver's licence yet, naturally I'd have to take the bus, since walking or biking would be too far away.
Now, I've never in my life been on a city bus before, but I still felt well-prepared. My phones GPS app was raring to go with directions down to the minute, I got to the bus stop 10 minutes earlier, nothing would seem to be able to go wrong, right?
My first mistake was putting in my headphones. I'd always done this while taking the school bus, and I felt confident the GPS would be able to tell me when I needed to get off. Unfortunately, I hadn't set up all the location options, so it lagged quite a bit. By the time we made it to my stop, I only noticed just as the driver was departing once again. I signaled him to stop, but he said to get off at the next stop.
Okay, no big deal. Just edit the route in my phone. Okay now to wait for the bus. Hmm... there's a lot of bus stops on one road, is that my bus? Nope. That one? Yeah! That's the one! Oh, wait, this isn't really a bus stop? Well, whatever, he'll still let me on right? I mean he's stop -- oh, wait, no he's waving me off (to which a random guy points his thumb at the bus and says my exact thought to me: "asshole"). Ooookay, well, let's not get discouraged, I still have 30 minutes before class starts.
-30 MINUTES LATER-
Well, fuck it! I suck at getting on a bus! Fuck me right! Well, my class already started, and the next route to get there won't get there until the class is almost done, so you know what I'm fucking done. I'm a-goin' home.
Hey! A bus driver that actually fucking stops! Well, seems like smooth sailing from here. And now my GPS is working properly! Wait, how do I request a stop again? Wait... shit, was that my stop? FUCK. A. DUCK. Alright I'll just get off at the next stop, which happens to be at the movie theater I usually go to, but is still over an hour to walk there, in 95° with full backpack.
Shit, better call mom. (Sad, I know) Oh, she's in a meeting. It'll take her 45 minutes to get here. Well, at least there's a Chinese restaurant over yonder. "I'll have the orange chicken" Why does that one Asian family keep staring at me? You know what, I'll give the waiter an extra big tip, cause someone should at least have a better day than me.
heytheredelilahTOR: Welcome to the world of the Proletariat Chariot. Some words of wisdom, don't use the GPS on your phone for this, unless it's google maps, and you have it set to "transit", because it's not going to be as accurate. Go to the transit website, and enter your departure stop and destination, and it'll pop out the best route for you. Next time you need to take transit somewhere that's important, and you'll be going to frequently (school or work), try the trip once *before* your first day, so you know where to get off and on, or leave an hour early, so you can work out all the kinks. It's what I do, and I've not had a problem yet!
Guerrero428: Additional tip: if you have no idea of the area, check it out on Google StreetView first, to try and identify when you want to be ready to get off!
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1377752006 | 1377811886 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: TIFU by shitting...all over a wall.
Before reading, no, I technically did not do this today, but I can remember it as if it were. When I was a little 5-6 year old kid, my brother and I would walk home from school. My older brother had the key to the house, because my parents worked until about 6 in the evening. One day while we were walking home, my stomach started rumbling and I knew this would be a big one. I told my brother this, and he told me to just wait until we got home. I begged him let me stop by a little store or something, but he refused. We finally got home and realized he had forgotten his key and we were locked out. Luckily, we lived right next door to a hardware store. My brother told me to go there to poop while he tried to figure out how to get us in the house.
So little 6ish year old me takes this little big adventure to next door to find a toilet. At this point, the shit was like standing on the edge of my colon ready to evacuate. I walk in and ask the guy at the counter where the bathroom was, rather frantically. "We don't have public restrooms..." straining to hold in shit "I guess if you really have to go, it's just down the hall. But don't make a mess."
I walk into this bathroom and as I try to unbutton my pants I release a massive supershit with the force of a shotgun and the weight of what had to have been 3 days worth of food. Little me is thinking "FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK" So I undo my pants and finish shitting in the toilet. At this point, I think something like "Maybe he's getting suspicious...I've been in here for too long. He's going to tell mama I pooped myself!" So I start wiping and throwing the toilet paper around my body to the left where the trash can is at home. Get tp, wipe, chuck it, get tp, wipe, chuck it, etc... Finally, my ass is clean, so I start trying to pull the shit off my jeans. I get them as clean as I can, decide to ditch the underwear, and it's as I go to bury it in the trashcan that I notice something. The toilet paper I thought I was throwing into the trash can was stuck to the wall. With shit. There was no trash can . The wall was much closer than I was used to, and there was no trash can to catch the shitty tp. There was a big-ass smear of shit with tp stuck to the end of the smear. I think this happened because I swung my arm around to far and wiped it on the wall without looking. The wall was littered with shitty tp. I just looked at it and got the fuck out of there.
I can still see the restroom in my mind.
As I leave, I try to sneak past the one guy in the store. He obviously saw me. Not a very good ninja. I bolted out the door and ran home.
I thought I was home-free. This is not the case. After my mom got home, she got a phone call from next door, explaining what had happened. She screamed at me. My dad screamed at me. They spanked me until I couldn't breathe. They thought I'd done it on purpose. Hell, it *looked* as if I'd done it on purpose.
tl:dr I shat myself and smeared shit all over a not very public restroom.
karmichoax: [Did you not see the sign?](http://i.imgur.com/tsuwNE7.jpg)
FooFTW: I guess I didn't... To be fair, it is in Spanish...
Reerrzhaz: Only half of it is :(
FooFTW: (I was joking because the word "si" is widely known as "yes" even by people who don't speak Spanish, and "no" is the same in both languages...I am not an idiot...So, in summation, thank you, Captain Obvious...*whoosh*)
Reerrzhaz: I know this :(
| 6 | 4 | |
1377760686 | 1377783468 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | radmachina: Tifu by installing itunes...
So, I managed to acquire a laptop from a friend to replace my disfunctional outdated laptop.
I have an ipod, music, and I use winamp to listen but not for ipod stuff.
I installed itunes, and somewhere between opening it and dropping my entire 15 GB music folder onto the window, iTunes freaks the fuck out.
And stops my computers electrical brain.
No electric sheep. No spinning blue circle. Not a single sound. It stopped dead in it's tracks and it stuck fast.
I hold my thumb over it's face until it goes black. Back on. I run a boot scan and find out.
Three whole files in the Itunes folder are corrupt.
More corrupt than a Carlos Danger.
And now when I try to do anything that even tries to look at the iTunes I have to reatart my computer. Damn it all.
fzombie: You installed iTunes and your complaining? You knew you were installing iTunes when you installed it and what did you expect? Did you expect that it would be good software on your computer just because it's shitty on every other pc but you were going to be the one that made it work because you are lucky? Go buy a lottery ticket and uninstall iTunes. You will have better chances with the ticket.
g1993: For the record my iTunes is flawless.
heytheredelilahTOR: iTunes is one of the reasons I have iProducts. Everything is so streamlined between my phone, my iPod, my moms phone, and my iPad. LOVE ME SOME ITUNES!
radmachina: I never had a problem with iTunes before this. Then again, it has been a while since I looked in it's direction.
| 5 | 4.2 | |
1377768555 | 1377800944 | null | t5_2to41 | 72 | sexilicousthrowaway: TIFU by cutting my scrotum with childs scissors.
I have lurked this subrreddit for a while snd thought I would never join the ranks but today my day has come. So I have been dating this girl for a few months and I thought it was time to trim the bush, so to speak. I also recently moved out of home, but when I was living there I did the trimming with scissors (sense an issue yet?) and a razor to polish it off.
I needed a pair of scissors and the only options at the supermarket were $9 super dooper ones or childs ones for $3. Kids it is. Got home and started to remove hair as normal, but started to rush as I have to go somewhere tonight. Then suddenly a shock of pain shot through me, and I look down to find I have cut my ballsack along that ridge bit between the two halves. It's stopped bleeding now so I finished the rest as best I could. Hopefully sex tonight isnt too painful :/
TL;DR Should upgrade my pube cutting tools.
nodlabag: You should probably wait to have sex until you are healed. That is going to be painful.
Throckmorton_Left: He should probably wait until he's old enough to be trusted with big boy scissors.
| 3 | 24 | |
1377780849 | 1377782728 | null | t5_2to41 | 88 | thestarvingnovelist: TIFU by dropping my laptop on the floor
I dropped my laptop on the floor and it could not boot, nor safemode or anything I try to do it won't turn on. I brought it to the computer center, they told me they could see C drive instead of D. So I brought it to a friend of ours that fixes hardware. He can see D drive only and my systems file is so corrupted that none of my files can be recovered.
I recently moved back to HK and I want to get out of this shit hole and not work for too long by going back to masters within a year or two. So I need to submit sample work...which are all in my C drive without any backup.
Now I just want to die. Fuck my actual life, the only ticket that allows me to move out of this shit hole is now gone forever.
Deathmic: Ouch. Good luck salvaging something or doing new stuff. If you're not too scared of the NSA try looking into saving your work in dropbox, maybe in a truecrypt container.
heytheredelilahTOR: Or contact the NSA and see if they have copies!
| 3 | 29.333333 | |
1377777827 | 1377820906 | null | t5_2to41 | 347 | Messed_up_chick: TIFU by forgetting I was in a video call
So me and my male friend were in a video call. There's a lull in the conversation for a large period of time, while I'm just browsing the Internet. I began to pick my nose (he had muted his sound because his sister was watching TV in the same room) and afterwards I realized how sweaty I was (the room was really warm, ok?) so I sniffed my armpit. I tabbed back into the window accidentally, straight after, and then realized what I had just been doing. I had messages from him that for some reason I had not been alerted about where he was asking me what the hell I was doing. Fuck my life. I immediately told him I had to go and left the call.
gooner010: How did you smell?
Messed_up_chick: Not good. I'm running out of deodorant.
genericname798: It's only smellz!
cromosdocosmos: Oh, you italians!
| 5 | 69.4 | |
1377776618 | 1377800188 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | mels234: TIFU by trying to get some coffee when I got to work
Picked up the coffee pot that someone obviously just finished making a fresh brew, I guess not that fresh the coffee here taste like shit. Anyway I picked up the full pot expecting to pour myself cardboard cup full of this earth tasting disgusting but necessary coffee and the pot exploded sending hot shit water everywhere, including my pants. It scared me so that I yanked the coffee pot up for some reason thinking an elevated coffee pot would stop the flow of hot coffee from the two openings smacking the holster sending coffee grinds all over including my face. http://imgur.com/0HvYVlJ http://imgur.com/xIPzYbU
Riffamaster: Well it does say coffee BREAK service
mels234: God damnit!!!
| 3 | 5 | |
1377796407 | 1377836813 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | AmadeusMadison: TIFU By being REALLY racist in front of an Asian man.
So me and some friends were at the mall for a bit just browsing around and window shopping. We walked into one last store and began to look around and just be stupid by trying on everything and what not. I noticed the Asian guy walk in but thought really nothing of it. My friend decides we should get something to eat so he says "Hey, let's go get some Chinese food" not bad at all. So I say "Rohkay Let's go do get de food" in a really really stereotypical Asian voice. My friend then replies with "YEAH, SOME CHINAMEN FOOD!" Which makes my brother go "CHING CHOG BONG BING BONG!". I then remember that the Asian man was right next to us the whole time and jet down the up escalator. Felt bad the rest of the night and still do.
foreverpopular: As a white person who worked in a Chinese restaurant and heard a lot of this kind of thing, can I just say that this form of "humor" is NOT funny? It isn't even remotely clever to mock the accent of a person who can speak more languages than you can, and it's DEFINITELY not witty in any way to mispronounce their language. The good news is that I doubt you hurt that man's feelings because he most likely ecountered it many times before and probably thought it was safe to assume that you and your friends are racist idiots.
AmadeusMadison: I know and I felt like shit! I can say I'm not a racist all I want but there's just no way.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1377761569 | 1377866060 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | washingtontoker: TIFU by putting crushed pepper flakes on my pizza
I woke up this morning feeling nonchalant, with the assumption that my day was going to be uneventful and boring. Little did I know my small decision at lunch was going to have the flames of Hell all up in my anus and a very, VERY, painful bathroom experience.
I recently just finished my summer class and have been waking up pretty late, usually around 9-10am. So I do some chores and skip breakfast. At around 2pm I am feeling very hungry and look through the kitchen for some grub. I had the choice of Frozen Pizza, Pb & J, or Mac and Cheese. The college lifestyle. Anyway, I opted for the frozen pizza. As I'm waiting for the 20mins to pass I flip on "The Doctors" on ABC, and I get educated on how birth control may affect your choice in men. Interesting concepts but not really useful to me, as I am a straight male, nevertheless now I know which guy I would go for on birth control.
The alarm goes off on the oven and I'm starving at this point. I'm ready to devour this pizza and make it my bitch. First though, I need my pepper flakes to give the pizza that zesty flare, or about as much as you can do with frozen pizza. I have three slices and put a good amount of pepper flakes on two of the slices. But then I think, "I'm feeling pretty badass why not put flakes on all three slices!" #Yolo. Little did I know my daredevil decision would leave my butthole in agony.
Fast forward some hours and you all can guess what pizza for brunch will do to you. Put you on the toilet. Luckily I didn't shit my pants like everyone else. As I'm on the toilet I can tell its going to be bad, my anus is already clenching for the pain that was about to strike. These pepper flakes did not breakdown while being digested. Instead they ended up rubbing against the sides of my anus. I felt like someone was shoving a chili pepper up my ass. But passing it through my anus was not the worst part. It was the wiping! My butt felt sore and on fire, I think if I farted a flame would shoot out, I imagine I got a taste of what women go through in labor. At this point my butt feels paralyzed with pain and I don't even want to even touch it. But I couldn't leave it un-wiped though, that's disgusting. So I wipe and it felt like rubbing sandpaper against me soft butt skin. I'm pretty sure I was violated by crushed pepper flakes.
Somehow I managed to man-up and wipe my anus clean. My butt and I are doing fine now, but still have a little pain recoil from this near death experience. Care to anyone reading this, don't put to much crushed pepper flakes on your food.
TL;DR Put to much crushed pepper flakes on pizza and ended up having my anus feel like it was on fire, and wiping felt like I was using sandpaper.
fossil98: I hear about this problem a lot. I however, can eat tons of super hot stuff and my rear feels none of it. On a related note, I have successfully completed the cinnamon challenge and put cayenne pepper in my eye voluntarily; maybe I'm just an anomaly.
CandidCallie: Or, you take antihistamines. Some people can take certain antihistamines and be almost impervious to Capsaicin and other 'hot' spices.
If you are an anomaly...I bow to you because I know my pepper consumption powers are chemically induced.
fossil98: I haven't heard that before, I do take loratadine occasionally when I am at risk from hayfever.
CandidCallie: It only works for some people and it isn't widely known. I figured it out by accident. Made stirfry and everyone complained it was too hot. It only made my lips tingle. I had the leftovers two days later (no loratidine for 48 hours) and it was pretty spicy.
| 5 | 4 | |
1377785215 | 1377963874 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | los_rocket_sturgeons: TIFU by eating Breakfast Empanada Bites from 7-11
Title pretty much says it all. They tasted disgusting, were way worse for me than the oatmeal I planned to eat at work, and I yet I ate them anyway, triggering both endless self-loathing and an upset stomach.
So to review:
* tasted awful
* high in calories
* buying them is proof of a lack of self control
* making me sick
On the plus side, they were 3 for $1, so it felt like a good deal.
Kill me.
flippitydip: I used to live in Cali but I live in Texas now. I used to always miss 7-11, I thought it was the coolest convenience store. It was just nostalgic for me for some reason. Then we visited some family in Cali and we decided to get some slurpees. Anywhere else you could get any size icee for 1 dollar. Slurpees were like 3-4 bucks. I go to get some chips instead and everything's way overpriced. I hate 7-11 now and I hate myself for ever asking my mom for a slurpee as a child. Screw you 7-11, and everything you stand for.
KeroZero: Where in Cali are Slurpees $3-$4? Down in Solano they are $1.27 for an extra large.
flippitydip: Pasadena, I would've jumped for joy if they were 1.27
KeroZero: I don't think that's to far from me.
flippitydip: Weird, I might be remembering something wrong. I don't know all I remember is rage.
KeroZero: Hell hath no fury like the 7-11 cheap food shits.
| 7 | 1.428571 | |
1377771451 | 1377881779 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | TMinfidel: TIFU by accidentally making a change in a default domain policy...
...which resulted in a load of batch jobs on 30 servers failing to run overnight.
I didn't have an approved change, so I now I must face the music and hope I don't get fired.
le_mous: Dood. MS best practices, never, EVER change the default domain policy.
If you need a GPO to do a setting, create a separate GPO and link surgically, to the OU where your users or computers live.
Don't make unauthorized changes. Adhere to your company or department's change management system, warn others before you're about to mess with something like that and/or get them to do an ITR.
Finally, always, ALWAYS make a backup of what you're about to change. In this case you could have just copied that GPO into one prior to making your changes.
Anyway, good luck with the outcome. Hopefully you've learned some valuable lessons.
TMinfidel: I know, I know. I'm the tech lead for the account, so I have zero excuse, I'm just so fucking busy that I didn't have time to jump through all the change management hoops, and I needed it working then and there, not in a week to 10 days time.
I didn't get fired, and have slapped myself on the wrist. I won't do it again.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1377807647 | 1378044566 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | Spirit_Breaker: TIFU By not reading the fine print on my C25K app
I just discovered today, after two weeks of running *every single day* that c25k program only requires you to run three times a week. I am tired and sore and I am taking tomorrow off!
trollpatro1: Keep it up that app is a pussy
Source: I run cross country every day
OljasMN: You run across the country every day? You are either in a small ass country, or you run really really fast
trollpatro1: Did I mention my name is Forest, Forest Gump?
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1377815598 | 1377835171 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | landzarc: TIFU by drinking my own spit...
Earlier, I had just taken a drink of cola when a coworker said something funny that caused another coworker to spit out the water she was drinking all over her desk.
This caused me to laugh and made me nearly spit my own beverage out all over *my* desk. Luckily, I had an empty coffee cup handy, so I spit into that instead of trying to swallow it and having it shoot out of my nose.
Shortly afterwards, I had to leave my desk for a while. When I came back, I noticed that I still had some coffee in my cup and figured I'd finish it before going to wash my cup.
I thought it tasted a bit odd and it took a minute for it to register that I had just drank my own spit. Yay me.
TL;DR: Coffee? Nope, spit and Coke Zero.
trollpatro1: OP what was so funny?
[deleted]: "These All-Bran Bars are really delicious"
trollpatro1: Can't say I'm too impressed but I mean I wasn't there..
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1377819408 | 1377821131 | null | t5_2to41 | 1 | Niksmart1a: TIFU by making sex noises outside of my roommate's room while he was in there with a girl...all of this just for a Powerade...
So my roommate brought his girlfriend over to our dorm room and they went inside of his room. Now, we all don't know what exactly happens behind that closed door, but we can imagine. My other roommate decided to find out what was going on in there by daring me to go outside of the door, and make moaning sounds. Knowing this was a dumb idea, I told him no. He said if I did it, he would give me his last Powerade.
Now, while you guys think that it isn't worth it over a drink, let me set the scene. It is a hot, summer day with the temperature in the 90s. Oh it also is about 80% humidity, so we are all sweating nonstop. Anyway, back to me story.
I decided that I needed that drink really badly, so I grudgingly agreed and proceeded to his room door. I quickly made a few moaning sounds, and then ran like hell back to the living room and sat in a chair while my friend and I snickered, waiting to see what the reaction was going to be. It was fucking hell...
He came out, calm as can be, and told us in a haunting, whispering voice that we were going to have to have a talk about maturity. He went on to say that his girlfriend was pissed, and would not be returning to our dorm forever...
I tried apologizing and gave him a hug, but I secretly know he is also pissed/hates me for being an immature sophomore in college...TIFU Reddit...TIFU...and I didn't get my Powerade...
**TL;DR**: I made sex noises outside of a room for a Powerade. Didn't get it either...
gwallace1612: Your friend fucked up for not having any maturity himself. Or a sense of humor from the sounds of it
[deleted]: ...and by having a girlfriend with an even worse sense of humor.
gwallace1612: Yes. Big time
| 4 | 0.25 | |
1377820485 | 1378000530 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | Skellertom: TIFU by trying to sleep off a headache.
Sleeping off headaches is not the greatest of ideas.
Okay so this is the first week of school, I've been under a lot of stress lately because of it and it doesn't help that I've had my time of the month recently. I woke up this morning about 1 am, my head pounding furiously like the beating of drums.
I was in complete excruciating pain, so I crawled my way over to my parent's room and woke my Mom up, because she has gigantic elephant strength ibuprofen pills. That, and I was so completely blinded by pain that I could barely move, walk or talk. Laying down made the pain worse. Mom woke up, she kinda panicked because I was crying and sobbing and had my hands over my eyes because the light she turned on HURT LIKE A BITCH. She managed to get me downstairs, sat me down in our reclining chair and got me to take an ibuprofen. A cold washcloth over my eyes and a barf bucket completed the ensemble of migraine. And, unfortunately, I always barf when I have migraines. That pill didn't quite last long in my stomach. Lo and behold, I upchuck acid and other shit, and like magic some of that shit *came out my nose*. After that I just kinda fell asleep in the chair and I don't remember anything else after that.
tl;dr: I got the worst migraine imaginable and killed my nasal cavity with stomach acid.
diltay: Oooh, I'm early to the post! Lemme think of something quick! *Ahhhh* I got nothin'
Really though, OP, sounds like a terrible time!
Skellertom: If you think you can sleep off a headache, you're gonna have a bad time. I did.
diltay: I'll keep that in *mind*
Skellertom: Oh my god I love you for that.
diltay: Haha no problem ;)
| 6 | 4.5 | |
1377827592 | 1377909039 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | jjflan: TIFU by inadvertently passing up the chance to meet Grumpy Cat IRL
I go to school in downtown Minneapolis, MN. Today, Grumpy Cat was apparently visiting and being exhibited in a show of modern art regarding popular culture and the interwebs at the leading gallery of contemporary art and media in Minnesota, The Walker Art Center. This gallery is located less than three blocks from my school, and having taken the family car that morning and having finished my homework early, I was presented with the opportunity to hang out with my friends in the area around the WAC, which is filled with shops and cafés. One of my friends suggested we visit the WAC. However, at the time, I was not aware of the mythical presence of Grumpy Cat. Therefore, feeling the effects of the first week of school, I told them we should get coffee first. After coffee, I decided I was too tired to walk around a gallery for 2 hours, and told my friends I was going home. They assumed I knew of Grumpy Cat, and let me go home without telling me. Now my phone is blowing up with photo messages of a certain internet celebrity surrounded by my friends while I sit at home with no car to get there. Fuck.
meowymeowy: Yeah Minnesota! I saw grumpy cat at the Internet cat vid film festival at the state fair. I should've known she would be at the WAC, too!
CapgrasX13: Back up. The Minnesota state fair has an Internet Cat Video film festival? Wut.
meowymeowy: YUP. Happened on Wednesday night.
| 4 | 2 | |
1377825331 | 1377888625 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,851 | plugshitter: TIFU by pooping out my buttplug in the hallway
So, I'm a kinky gal. I have a bit of a voyeuristic side. I just started class a few days ago and today I decided why not be naughty and wear a buttplug to class today? Stupid stupid me decided to wear a pear of loose shorts because it's still fairly hot out. I've never worn a buttplug out without wearing jeans or yoga pants. Guess it was those, not my clenching skills, that typically held the plug in place.
Shortly after my first class walking through the hallway I felt the plug begin to slip. Panicking, I began to quick walk to the restroom clenching my cheeks, but to no avail, the plug slipped out, right passed my undies, out the bottom of my shorts. I have no idea if anyone noticed, but I bolted for the lady's room and hid in the stall for a good 10 minutes.
tl;dr lost my favorite buttplug
halfman-halfbearpig: wait....so did you grab it? Kick it? Leave it on the hallway floor?
So potentially, some innocent is walking by and...well, what's that? I'll have a colser looooOH MY GODDD!!!
Nobody was waiting outside the loo to see who came out conspicuously looking for something???
I have so many questions
meiam001: She said she lost it, which leads me to believe there's a butt plug on the floor in a college somewhere.
jman4220: This could be the answer to all the mysterious sex toys found in public...
AsteroidShark: My ex got angry at me because I left him and he threw my toy off of our balcony and into someones yard. I feel the need to drop that story every now and then because whoever found that the next morning may still be out there dying to know how a 70$ vibrator appeared in their yard.
AGirlNamedRoni: Somebody came into my house and stole my husband's diamond ring, $400 cash, and my vibrator. WHY? Why would anybody steal a used vibe? Nasty.
Galphanore: Probably teenagers who thought it was hilarious.
AGirlNamedRoni: Yep. We know who it was. The cops couldn't care less.
Galphanore: That's really irritating.
EASam: I don't like the misuse of couldn't care less either.
Galphanore: She [didn't misuse](http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/could-care-less-versus-couldnt-care-less?page=all) it.
| 11 | 168.272727 | |
1377823487 | 1377858695 | null | t5_2to41 | 0 | awildeyedfool: TIFU by looking at my ex girlfriend's okcupid account
In my current mean, small, ugly black mood the only thing I can really find funny is the memory of what she wanted the politics of our breakup to be. She wanted to hurt me I think she said, but she didn't say it in a cruel way. She wanted to hurt me so that when the inevitable moment came when she would come looking for me back I would be stung and so be able to be a bit dispassionate and calculating about the decision. I think she was being genuine about this.
If she came looking for me back now would I take her? No fuck no. No I don't think so. I would not want her to be my girlfriend again.
The funny thing is the fact that I am stung, stung in a deep stupid way that I have no real way of allowing myself feel, and that there is no way that she will ever again in her life want me to be her boyfriend again or especially to have sex with me again at least largely (both) because of how bad bad don't give a shit bad pathetically self loathing I am at sex. I can't do it well and she needs it done well and I imagine the further she is from me the clearer that is to her. Going out with me again would mean having sex with me again and we are I think the phrase is SEXUALLY INCOMPATIBLE. Which, in a way is to say that I am sexually incompatible. With humans.
So I can laugh at that, at the earnestness of her tender attempt to hurt me in the interest of empowering me. Because of what a powerless little squirt of diarrhea I have become.
What I do I think is I render the women I want to have long term relationships with intensely distrustful and averse to having long term relationships. They see in me my cloying desperation because of their fierce fierce intelligence (which is why I want to be with them) and they see that it is only hiding in a very shallow way behind a professed interest in love and commitment. The women I do not want to be in long term relationships with are less fiercely intelligent and probably more romantic and the two are probably related. And the reason they want to be in long term relationships with me is because they see that I talk about love and commitment and that I seem to be kind of solid and kind and dependable and that is attractive to them. Of course I am terrible at love and commitment and I not solid or kind or dependable and they find these things out when they observe the very hasty retreat I beat away from their more serious advances. Or perhaps they don't see this and they are just hurt by something they assume is their fault. Perhaps I am being too hard on them but as I said they are not so fiercely intelligent.
So I am a machine for destroying the capacity to love me in the way I want to be loved by the people who I want to love me. The very simple way to not be this machine is to acquire a greater degree of self confidence, to accept that I am a man and to learn how to have sex properly and to realise that I am not so very much shorter than other men. But the reason I have not done these things is because my biggest fault of all and the one that I can barely even laugh at is what I suppose is my Oedipus complex. Is the thing that mostly wants a fiercely intelligent demanding woman to love me in an unconditional undemanding way. Forever without stopping even though I can't do anything - BECAUSE I can't do anything.
le_mous: /r/offmychest?
awildeyedfool: I disagree, this was most definitely and specifically a fuckup. A one time, hammer to the head fuckup. I'm sorry for trying to explain it in a less literal way.
| 3 | 0 | |
1377831364 | 1377841077 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | internet_friends: TIFU by not paying attention to where I sent my books
This was actually a fuck up from a few days ago, but I didn't realize I fucked up until today.
I had to order ~10 books for college, which I did off of amazon because it's much cheaper. Awesome, I saved a lot of money, great. I didn't think much of it until my mother texted me today saying, "A package came for you today in the mail." Guess who sent all their textbooks to their house? Me. I need one of the books for next week and now there's no way I'm going to get it in time. My parents are going to have to pay to ship all 10 books to my college as well, and they probably won't get around to it until next week. So now I'm stuck without books I need.
This is the second time I've sent packages to the wrong place in two weeks. Good job, self.
TheLogicalErudite: Honestly nothing in the first 2 weeks of class is so vitally important that it requires all the books right away unless its a language class or something.
You can also check out course books from the library, most schools keep copies of popular class textbooks for students who don't have the book in the libs. (This is almost a definite if the course is a gen requirement or something.)
Millikan: Name relevant.
| 3 | 6 | |
1377849238 | 1377944554 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,849 | lilPatrickstar: TIFU by making my cat orgasm.
Today, me and the wife were watching Whose Line Is It Anyway on the iPad while lying in bed. The cat was at the foot of the bed and I wanted to pet him; so I pet him with my foot.
Suddenly, my wife looks over and says "babe, what are you doing? You're rubbing Stormy's butt." I looked down and said "hey, I guess I am" and continued, not thinking of the consequences.
All of a sudden, his fur was really wet, I couldn't understand it, what happened? I look down and realize I had moved my toes up and had been stroking his tiny, kitty manhood with my toes.
He promptly got up and walked away, presumably to smoke a cigarette.
TL;DR Stroked my cat to an orgasm
inmyotherpants79: Did he leave a twenty on the night stand?
I was rubbing my husband's cat's belly once and looked down to his dingle waving at me. I swear to God he was smiling.
lilPatrickstar: He's cheap he just licked him self got up and did not see him the rest of the night. But he did come back in the morning and he wanted the same foot to rub him
inmyotherpants79: He and your foot are in a committed relationship now.
Shaun_the_Mon: A Footship. Very serious.
CuntyMcshitballs: Sole mates.
SchindlersFist712: Mad props, CuntyMcshitballs.
CuntyMcshitballs: Thank you Mr Fist
| 8 | 231.125 | |
1377843569 | 1378458078 | null | t5_2to41 | 46 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving my dildo on a well traveled trail.
I was walking back from the nudist beach on the James River. You have to cross four islands of water to get back to the main trail, which goes 1.5 miles to the parking lot.
Once I got to dry land, I open my backpack on the trail and pulled out my dry clothes that were wrapped in my towels. My dildo and KY were also in there along with a pair of extra flip flops in case I lost my flip flops that I had on in the river.
After putting on my dry clothes under my bathing suit cover (but nothing else), then removing the bathing suit cover and repacking the backpack, I miserably started walked the 1.5 miles back to the parking lot, passing all sorts of people on the way that were walking back in the direction I came from.
Once I got back to my car, I started unpacking all my water bottles and stuff, when I noticed that I had the KY but not the flip flops or the dildo.
I wasn't going to walk 1.5 miles BACK to get them.
TLDR; TIFU by leaving a pair of flip flops and a dildo on a main public trail.
[deleted]: I'm quite curious, do you publicly dildo yourself at a nudist beach? Is this a common practice?
courtoftheair: Sex is not accepted during regular naturist gatherings any more than it is in a clothed place.
Fyrstar2002: On this particular beach, it happens more often than not.
| 4 | 11.5 | |
1377879253 | 1377909852 | null | t5_2to41 | 97 | [deleted]: TIFU by yelling goddamn coloreds in the middle of lunch.
*disclaimer this was written hastily while I was still suffering form shame and Oh god why....
At my table we were talking about Paula Dean and Fox news and racism over lunch. I impersonated Paula Dean (here's where I fuck up) I yell "GOD DAMN COLOREDS" in a southern accent. Now here's some background I live in a mostly white town in Ohio and I am in no way racist (born in Canada was in a diverse school). I didn't look around because I figured it would be all whites around us. I heard someone say what the fuck? I looked towards the table DIRECTLY TO OUR RIGHT and see three black girls and a girl ether really tan or of Latin descent. FUCK they all just stared at me while my soul disintegrated. I put my head down on my table and now, I type this head still down and hoping to all hell they did not get a good look at my face and don't try to retaliate because one was real big and I can't fight all that well.
ColdFury96: If you think it's okay to use racist language because there's no black people around, you might want to re-evaluate the 'I am in no way racist'.
PieceOfPie_SK: Nothing wrong with making fun of something. What's wrong is that they didn't know what OP was saying.
| 3 | 32.333333 | |
1377861657 | 1377914155 | null | t5_2to41 | 166 | tifu_1998: TIFU by shitting my pants while trying to fart in my mom's face
This actually happened last night but it didn't post for some reason.
My mom made burritos on Tuesday night with veggie crumbles and pintos. I should mention that Tuesdays are meatless in our house for as long as I can remember. Every other night of the week, we have some kind of meat with dinner. So anyway, she served vegetarian burritos and they were really tasty.
When dinner was over, my dad and I did the dishes and she used the leftover beans and veggie crumbles to make leftover burritos and put them in the fridge. Lo and behold, everyone in the house was boated and gassy before bedtime on Tuesday. My dad and I have this thing about farting in our house. We actively compete with each other for dominance when it comes to loudness and funk. So all night Tuesday and into Wednesday, I'm letting them rip. Today, my parents took me school shopping for next week and before we went into the mall my mom warned my dad and I not to embarrass her.
While we're shopping, I can feel a massive ass bubble forming and tell my folks I'm going to the bathroom. While I was in there, I ripped ass so bad that I almost gagged. I got the hell out of there, thankful that I was all by my lonesome. As we're heading home, I feel another massive swell of ass gas building and let it rip. Upon inhaling my noxious fumes of death, my dad conceded defeat for the first time in all of my years, but it was not to last.
When we got home, I went into the fridge digging for leftovers and found the burritos from Tuesday night. I took one out and popped it into the microwave for a late afternoon snack. The old man came in and asked me to heat one up for him too.
I should have known then that this wasn't going to end well.
Later on, I'm fucking around online while my mom is sitting in her favorite spot on her favorite couch watching TV. My dad slips into my room and unleashes hell through his ass. Plotting my revenge, I wait patiently for the buildup of gasses to stir. When they finally hit their crescendo I was almost doubling over in pain. I stealthy make my way out of my room in search of the old man, eager to exact my revenge. When I don't find him, I look out in the garage, only to find his truck gone.
So I come back inside and see my innocent mother, the woman who feeds me, washes my clothes and has had to put up with the poisonous gas war my father and I have waged for the entirety of my 15 year life. I'm still not sure why I thought it would be a good idea, but I figured why waste a good fart. So I made my approach.
“Where's dad?”
“He ran to the store for avocados”
“Okay, here's something I was saving for him.”
With that, I spun around, hung my ass out so that it was just inches from her face and let loose. It's gone so flawlessly before, always without a hitch. So when I felt the seat of my shorts fill up with not just a squirt, or even just a single turd, I knew I had fucked up. Because I realized then that I had just shit my pants beyond anything that I had ever imagined.
My mom, somehow knowing what I had planned, put her hands on my ass to push it out of her face. So as a pit of brown pythons filled my pants with stunning speed, she had her hand pressed straight into it. Needless to say, she wasn't exactly laughing with my dad when he came home. He triumphed again, and my poor, poor saint of a mother became a casualty in our war for dominance.
Tl;dr _ I tried to fart in my mom's face, shit my pants instead.
EPIC_RAPTOR: Lesa?
tifu_1998: No, it's Kyle.
EPIC_RAPTOR: *cough*
sometimes things get a little too real.
| 4 | 41.5 | |
1377884243 | 1377959372 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,208 | Pepser: TIFU by not feeding my cat
So to be honest it was yesterday-night that I didn't feed my cat. I was tired, the cat is overweight and asks for more food three times a day so I thought she could wait until morning.
I keep the cat food on top of the washing machine, which is in the attic of my house. This morning I found cat food all around our washing machine as our cat decided to help herself, I cleaned it and fed the cat.
Today I went to work, picked up my kids from daycare afterwards, came home, turned on the washing machine, put on sesame street for my kids and started cooking dinner.
After about 15 minutes the fire alarm goes of. So I start running around like a chicken with no head and check al the smoke detectors downstairs but non of them had a red light. So I grab the fire extinguisher and run upstairs. Half way up I slip on the huge amount of water that comes of the stairs and badly bruise my arm and ankle. I then leave the fire extinguisher downstairs as fire does not seem to be the problem, and get upstairs again to find out water comes from the attic and leaks into a smoke detector, causing it to start the auto destruct sequence of our house.
I then hear something fall off the stairs and my 11-month old scream like he has never screamed before, so I run/slide downstairs to find out my 11 month-old had followed me up the stairs since I also TIFU by leaving the gate open behind me. He also slipped and now has a huge bump on his head.
So then I picked up my screaming 11-month old, check if he is OK, try to comfort him while running up the stairs again and trying to find a way to stop the auto destruct on our house. Which luckily worked. I then go to the attic to find that our cat apparently jumped on the plumbing behind our washer, so that two tubes got disconnected and the washer pumped water straight onto our attic floor.
So I come downstairs to find that my two year old has used this unsupervised time to first put my phone on some eastern European language (I don't know how to put it back) and secondly is trying to microwave his rabbit (toy).
Tl;dr: So not feeding my cat resulted in a water damaged ceiling on our second floor, a huge bump on my kids head, a bruised arm and ankle, a huge mess in my house and my phone in a language that I do not speak.
CandidCallie: Cats are jerks.
zahbos: Cats are like those jerky friends that you can't help but love.
thebornotaku: Dogs are like that, except not assholes.
zahbos: Dogs are some needy motherfuckers.... Sorry for being rude.
thebornotaku: I don't know what you're talking about. I wake up, I put him outside. I get home from work, I let him in. He messes about the house until bedtime. Feed him when I make my breakfast and before I go to bed. BAM, DONE.
zahbos: I let my cat out, she's gone for 6 days, comes back one day, then I feed her.
thebornotaku: Cats are boring though. At best, you have an acquaintance. At worst, you have an enemy.
namesarehard1234: Pssht. My cat snuggles the shit out of me at any given time and will cry like crazy if She can't get into the same room as me. Not all cats are assholes.
Marine08902: How old is your cat? I just got a kitten who is like that and I wasn't sure if it is just because she's a needy kitten or if she will always be this awesome.
Rudolphini: Not the guy you replied to, but my cat is 8 years old and does this.
| 11 | 109.818182 | |
1377838119 | 1378065762 | null | t5_2to41 | 30 | Ijustfuckedup: TIFU by accidentally breaking up with my gf via text message
The breakup wasn't accidental, but it certainly didn't occur how I hoped it would. We just had our one year anniversary, but things were not well for us, we've been drifting apart recently. We talked about the possibility of breaking up a few days ago and I've been thinking about it since. She just started a new job and we haven't seen each other as much as we used to. Anyways, she texted me tonight saying how she feels like she is to blame for us being distant and I told her not to blame herself. Then I fucked up by saying "maybe it's just time" and the conversation spiraled out of my control from there. I know she deserves better than me and much better than that. It's hard to believe its over because of that and I feel like a complete asshole. I mostly wanted to get that off my chest. Throwaway because I can.
TL;DR I feel like a dick for accidentally breaking up with the girl who is in love with me via text message.
blaster337: i'll pray for you guys, that if you should, you'll get back together =)
WyomingFlip: I don't really understand the down votes on this guy for trying to be supportive of OP.
LaLunaPea33: Reddit hates the word "pray."
WyomingFlip: They hate a lot of words.
| 5 | 6 | |
1377893166 | 1377921122 | t3_1leev5 | t5_2to41 | -27 | Brahma1234: Stop me if I'm wrong, but I dot think fag is appropriate.
bmward105: It's kind of appropriate for you though.
[deleted]: Don't know why you got downvoted, was about to say the same thing.
Faggots =/= Gays
Faggots = Faggots
EDIT: Whoops, just realized you weren't replying to kuntslayer. My bad.
EDIT 2: By the way, you're a faggot.
bmward105: ITT: everyone is a faggot
| 4 | -6.75 | |
1377866577 | 1377983783 | null | t5_2to41 | 77 | ChronicMastur: TIFU by loudly masturbating with my imagination without knowing people were in the house.
So I wake up at 12 and decided to take care of the biz
(know what I'm saying?)
So whilst I was sitting there jerking it I kept dozing off, which was making things way more awesome because I was effectively dreaming about what I was imagining.
Then when I woke up a bit I'd just keep going.
Anyway I got too excited so I jumped off the bed and started to furiously masturbate standing up.
Spouting off the list of the names of the girls I was gangbanging in my head.
saying things like "eurgh _____ you want it in your ass? oh you do to _____ yeah fucking take it ____"
Now you can hear everything in my room at the best of times but USUALLY, everyone is at work in the day...well, not today.
I hear my sister walk right past my door mid cumming.
She must have heard everything.
Worst part? one of those girls has her name.
AppleSpicer: You gangbang gals in your head??? All by yourself? How!?
[deleted]: By not knowing what gangbanging means it seems.
[deleted]: Reverse gangbang?
| 4 | 19.25 | |
1377846659 | 1377934693 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | throwawaystripperst: TIFU by going to the stripclub
tifu by going to the strip club before heading home for the night well i was only going to spend a little bit of money with friends well i end up getting a few drinks in me already a little tipsy and i end up going to the back with this girl for a topless dance. the topless dance is only ten dollars so i was thinking two dances nothing big i have plenty of money for that and enough for lunch tomorrow at work. this is where the fuck up begins i notice the dancer being a little friendly so i was joking with her back being the socialite i am when i drink. she asks if i want another dance (as per usual) and i accept thinking okay after this i will be done for the night and head home. i semi notice the song ends but with my mind focused on something else i think nothing of it and then the stripper starts to take off her bottoms and continues dancing my non sober mind thinks hey this stripper is pretty awesome i only wanted a topless and i get the full thing. two songs pass and i think okay i got to go and be up for work in the morning, i get up and she goes oh do you want another vip dance, i think to myself well i didn't get one how can i have another. this is when the fuck up sets in she gave me two vip dances without asking and me not knowing now im out 65 bucks and i don't have money for lunch at work tomorrow.
asmorbidus: do u even grammar?
throwawaystripperst: no but i do spell out you
WyomingFlip: Toucé
WyomingFlip: Fuck you iPhone.
| 5 | 3.6 | |
1377878765 | 1378057743 | null | t5_2to41 | 67 | NoReallyPlease: TIFU by pissing in a bottle for the first time.
So I have two flatmates with whom I share one bathroom and shower. We've got a routine and flow for the mornings since we all get up fairly early, where we each have a normal time when we get up and use the shower in order to not overlap. Last night we had a bit of a splash that involved each of us drinking a six-pack immediately prior to going to bed.
Now normally when your bladder is full to bursting in the night, you wake up at 4am and fight the battle between getting up and peeing or staying in your warm comfy bed. I sleep hard when facilitated by booze and did not have this opportunity. I woke up at my usual time and realized I had to pee IMMEDIATELY. As soon as I opened my bedroom door I saw the bathroom door close. NOOOOOOO.gif! Apparently my flatmate was behind schedule.
I tried to be all Zen and focus on other things, emptying my mind like I wanted to empty my bladder, but I could feel my belly as firm as a basketball, and my urethra was all like, "Duuuude, WTF, I can not hold this flood back." When I found myself actually pinching it off with my fingers I knew I could not wait 15 minutes for the bathroom. I hadn't had to pee this badly since boot camp! I didn't pee myself then (like so many others) and I'd be damned if I did now.
The kitchen sink crossed my mind -- but no! It was full of dishes.
Off the balcony... too risky. Landlord lives downstairs.
I've got an empty plastic liter bottle in my trash -- perfect! Its got a small opening so I carefully align and hold my willy in place and release.
About a third of the way full, the bottle, hot in my hand, was starting to push back. I was displacing the air with my urine and there is NO way I could possibly stop at this point. No other receptacle handy. So I carefully broke the seal while maintaining contact and aim... precipitating an ocean spray explosion of piss-mist that got all over my face, keyboard, bed and desk.
My only thought at that moment: "Doesn't matter; still peed."
Shameful shower and cleanup came later. Mostly I'm just glad it was a liter bottle not a 20oz. It was nearly full.
tldr: Out of desperation I peed in a bottle and caused a cloud of urine to explode in my room.
LiquidApple: Now someone please instruct OP (and me) on how to properly execute a bottle piss. Ya know, for science.
Buffalo__Buffalo: Okay, it's not very hard. What you want to do is give about 1/2 an inch distance between the mouth of the bottle and the head.
If you press it in flush against the mouth of the bottle, it creates a seal and no air is let out. This is bad. Pressure builds up and as you break the seal, any of the urine that is near the rim will be sprayed everywhere.
You need that 1/2 inch because it provides space for your urine to form a nice solid stream after exiting your urethra to make it easier to aim into the bottle.
At the very end, as the pressure starts dying off only *then* do you form a seal by pressing the head against the mouth of the bottle to avoid any of the last drips escaping.
The only time I have ever done this, I found it was possible to do it one handed (at night, at a festival, stuck in a crowd. Don't ask.) by holding the neck of the bottle with your fingers and using your palm and thumb to adjust the stream. This way one can conceal what should be concealed in public, and also if there are any stray drips they will land on your hand and not on your jeans/the carpet/the cat. (Why you are pissing into a bottle directly over your cat, I will never understand. Maybe it's a dare. Maybe you didn't notice the cat. Maybe it's some kind of sick joke. I don't know - but it's not up to me to understand your motivations and I'm sure as hell not going to take responsibility for your misdeeds.)
If you are using the one-handed method for purposes of discretion, make sure you have a firm grasp on the bottle as you will find it becomes quite heavy as it fills. You don't want to drop it - think of how the poor cat will feel as it is awoken from its nap as it is struck by a half full bottle of warm urine due to your recklessness, you sicko.
LiquidApple: You just made me very happy. I'm going to test this within the next 24 hours and will report back.
Buffalo__Buffalo: Pics or it didn't happen :p
LiquidApple: OP will deliver with timestamp and pic of bottle.
AppleSpicer: You have 23.5 hours left to deliver.
LiquidApple: A small piss, but a piss nonetheless http://imgur.com/HN50SIr
Buffalo__Buffalo: OP delivers!
So did my patented practical pissing process please you and perform to a professional point? Or did you unpredictably piddle pee on your person and all over the place?
LiquidApple: It worked, and I for one, am satisfied.
Buffalo__Buffalo: I've always wanted to change the world for the better and you gave me the opportunity to do just that.
Now I know that will die a happy man.
LiquidApple: It has been an honor.
| 12 | 5.583333 | |
1377893156 | 1377934395 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | Arsestolemyname: TIFU by jabbing myself in the foot with a shank
A short quickie for all of you
So today (~1:05 AM, totally today) I was getting ready to head off to sleep, when my mother came in and told me to shut off the light.
Me: Give me five more minutes mom, I'll do it shortly
Mom: Just go to sleep already. *Shuts out the light*
Well fuck, I can't see anything at all. So I decide to simply walk over to turn on the light. As I began to walk over, I felt the bottom of my foot scrape over a piece of metal. I turn the lights back on and see blood all over the bottom of my foot and all over my door prop made out of the remaining metal from a demo derby car I'd made earlier (We put small vans together and smash them into each other. The one that does the most damage to the other gets a point, you lose points for derailment). I quickly hobbled downstairs and slammed some rubbing alcohol and gauze on it, then hobbled back upstairs and tried to sleep.
Hey, at least I'm walking right now
Tl;Dr: Can't give you one much better than the title. I kicked a sharpened piece of metal I use as a door prop barefooted.
Evillordfluffy: I was confused till I realised you‘d written shank and not shark...
le_mous: And I was confused when I found out op was indeed not incarcerated.
WyomingFlip: All of these things... Yes
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1377899010 | 1377935844 | null | t5_2to41 | 62 | o0o0o0ops: TIFU by sleeping naked and perioding on my hand
Throwaway for obvious reasons :P
So, it's getting warm where I am and I decided to sleep naked. I love the freedom of it, my boobs rarely get any time out from their "cage" and yeah. I laid my head down and went to sleep.
Around 7:30 am, way before my alarm, I was half awake. I strained to fart and felt a wetness between my legs. *Oh, no. I peed myself.* Was my first thought. Now, I am not at my best mental capacity at 7:30 in the morning, so I stuck my hand down there to find out what it was. My hand came back bloody.
Great. My period had started. No big deal, I'd just run to the bathroom that wasn't far from my room and get a pad, right? Right.
Except.
When I stood up, the floodgates opened.
I SPEEDWALKED to the bathroom (I don't know why I didn't run, again, I am not at my best) but halfway there it appeared this would not be adequate. I had one option, and one option only.
Needless to say, I walked the other half to the bathroom with my left hand cupped between my legs. Toilet paper was my savior, but when I finally looked at my hand, it was COVERED in blood. Gross.
I got dressed and went back to sleep, this time, protected :P
TL:DR I perioded in my hand cause I used it as a cup
Tek2674: Haha til perioding is a thing lol
Buffalo__Buffalo: Aw, I remember when I first learned that menstruation was a thing too.
Tek2674: I don't but I'm sure my brain was like >.> wtf!?
Buffalo__Buffalo: I get ya, I was just teasing you.
Tek2674: And you got me I had no witty comeback on that one well played.
Buffalo__Buffalo: Cheap shots are good for that :p
Tek2674: Lol :)
| 8 | 7.75 | |
1377893969 | 1377934291 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | Mesprit101: A year ago today was my TIFU moment.
DISCLAIMER: This is a biggun. Not using throwaways, because hey, what could happen?
To start off, I'm a big fan of TF2, clocking in over several hundred hours of playtime when I've got nothing to do. Me and my friends have been playing together for well over a year, and it's a lot of fun. But anyways, when the Balloonicorn came out as a product on the Valve Store and ThinkGeek, I knew I had to get one. I mean, hey, who doesn't enjoy having an inflatable unicorn from a world of insanity in your home decor? So after checking with my mother (I was thirteen at the time) and ordering it along with some other items, I was set. Fast forward to 8/30/2012, where as I eagerly opened and inflated my product, my friends (12 and 9) invited me to their house. I gladly accepted and brought my Balloonicorn with me.
After quite a bit of playing there, their mom said that they were going to the school for a meeting and that I can come. Once again, I accepted and brought Balloonicorn with me. However, I left him in the car. Once we got out, we could play in the playground while my friends' mom discussed with the teachers. I hung out on the swings and monkey bars. I was on top of the monkey bars when we were about to head out to play some kickball. Naturally, I decided to slide down on the monkey bars and swing off, but my hand slipped. I then managed to hit the front of my bottom teeth on one of the step-bars and then on the ground.
I was bleeding and screaming like bloody heck as my friends came rushing to me. We notified the mom immediately, and she called my mom as I was treated to some cold water from the sink, which didn't help too much. It turns out my mom was unfortunately in the middle of volunteering at the moment, but my dad was at home. So we ended up leaving at the nearest convenience, my buddies comforting me with the Balloonicorn.
I got home several minutes later, with my dad at the front door. I limped over as my friends carried the Balloonicorn in. My dad, who is a very Christian man and thinks that homosexuality (or even guys liking things that have a bit of a feminine touch besides women themselves) is a sin, was surprised at seeing the large inflatable pink unicorn that the boys carried in. (He didn't know I ordered it.) "Why are you bringing in that pink unicorn?" He asked. "That's not ours!" One of my neighbors exclaimed. "Well, it's not ours, either!" Dad responded. "Yes it is!" My neighbor yelled as he and his brother shut the door, high-tailed it to their mom's car, and floored it outta here.
By now, I was hanging over the sink, having taken some Ibuprofen and letting warm water run down my gore-ish teeth. I heard the entire exposition roll out between the neighbors and my dad, and the steam coming out of his ears was very hot. I can still distinctly remember "Do You Want to Know A Secret" playing from his computer as my head lay over the sink, as he paced around, seething in furious anger. At this point, he's practically forgotten about my teeth. After a very awkward moment of no speech, he stepped up and asked why the f&€k I had a 'gay-@$$ pink unicorn'. I tried responding, but all that had come out of my mouth was 'bdoniwnghgatgihihgaghnonwcjejeftjpnpohigb'. He didn't get any happier that night. (We still love each other, although he still harshly gets mad at me when I say anything involving homosexuality.)
Luckily, this story has a bit of a happy ending. My teeth would have been knocked out if it weren't for two deus ex machinas: My braces, and the lucky fact that my orthodontist lived right across the freaking street. Once my wires were replaced, the ortho gave me a school excuse so I could skip tomorrow and messaged my dentist about teeth-trauma-therapy or something (it wasn't too bad; just q-tips sprayed with icy stuff to check if my teeth were still connected.) The following day, I got to stay at home, watch Netflix; eat macaroni and cheese, and play TF2 with my Genuine Balloonicorn. A guy on a KOTH server started a trade asking for my genuine buddy. I replied 'no'.
**TL;DR: I got a Balloonicorn online, hit my mouth on the monkey bars, was scolded by my dad for being a 'f@g', went to several therapy things with my dentist, and am still having this incident brought up in conversation to this day.**
Brahma1234: Actually if it was a year ago, than it didn't happen today. You should have said
"Aayaifu"
(About a year ago I fucked up)
WyomingFlip: And here I thought Grammar Nazis were bad.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1377843062 | 1378010037 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | metastang: TIFU by not drinking tea
Today I made a mistake that I feel is somewhat common, but terrible nonetheless. Recently there has been a heatwave where I live. We've had a little over a week of 100+ days. So after working in the shop all day I was hot and thirsty, to say the least. Well sitting in the cup holders of my truck is two bottles, one is a spitter for chew and the other is tea from lunch, both in the same style bottle. I can imagine you know where this is going. I was so thirsty I didn't pay attention to which bottle I grabbed. I grabbed the spitter and took a big swig of it. Instantaneous nausea. It was so terrible that I had to pull over and ended up losing the contents of my stomach in the ditch. Lesson learned, pay a little more attention next time.
TLDR Drank from a spitter instead of the tea next to it in my 100 degree truck.
strngsvlmstng96: Make sure you mark your spitter next time or put it in a different bottle.
metastang: Ya, I've since learned to use different bottles completely. It's much easier this way.
| 3 | 6.666667 |
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