start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1377917769 | 1377984314 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | [deleted]: TIFU By scratching a parked car
Just got a new car and was in a tight spot in the parking complex. I had a small window and had cars on all 4 sides (2 parked, 2 on my sides.)
They wouldn't get out my my way so I had to use my window. I swore I cleared it but the wretched sound filled me with terror. I did a loop and didn't see anything. Got out and didn't see any paint on my bumper.
Got a call from the police later and apparently someone reported me and they caught my license on the CCTV. Supposedly a 1ft paint scratch, no dents, pretty new car.
I was still learning the feel of the car too and I swore I could clear it. I feel like absolute shit now because I was supposed to prove to my parents I'm an alright driver and they can trust me.
tl;dr: hit a parked car, didn't see shit, got a call later from police, feel like a total failure, parents giving me shit, insurance etc.
scrndude: I did this once. I felt really bad. I left a note.
Whired: ...just a note?
MajesticStalion: You ALWAYS leave a note.
Whired: How about leaving your contact information or a few twenties? I don't give a fuck about your apology
[deleted]: And I don't give a fuck about your complaining. You block me in, you're getting scratched.
| 6 | 4.833333 | |
1377926069 | 1378007870 | null | t5_2to41 | 84 | Komorebi86: TIFU By Pissing All Over My Girl
Kind of a throwaway account, but whatever. Let's make this short.
Went to a show with friends, was drinking heavily, per the usual, but not to the point of complete wastelandery. Got home about 530AM, and called my girl to come over. On my way home I bought a highball (I live in Japan), and I remember opening it thinking "I'm kind of drunk, but this won't put me over the edge." …
Well, it did. I came out of a blackout pissing all over her. Like, me on the bed, dick in hand, pissing AT her, and (no shit) laughing maniacally. What in the goddamn fuck.
So that was embarrassing amongst other things. I will give her credit though - she came back with a plastic mat and pissed too!
Idimmu_Xul: >she came back with a plastic mat and pissed too!
So she was cool with it?
Komorebi86: Kind of. It was more or less a "Wow, you're really embarrassed and I feel bad for you so here, look, I'm peeing too!" kind of thing.
Idimmu_Xul: Haha, at least it sounds like she wasn't too mad with you!
Seems like you got off lucky to me!
Komorebi86: Yup. I'm thinking the same thing lol. Might be a keeper, if that's her reaction to this kind of completely retarded shit.
SoyPopo: Or maybe she's into some kinky pissing shit? ;)
Komorebi86: I guess thats a possibility, but I would not at all expect it from her.
| 7 | 12 | |
1377927788 | 1377991556 | null | t5_2to41 | 467 | clockworkgirl21: TIFU by donating goat shit to the Special Olympics.
A store near my house has a donation box for clothes and shoes type things for the Special Olympics. I threw a bag of clothes into the back of my car and drove over there. After I tossed the clothes in a saw a blanket sort of wadded up in my trunk and decided to throw that in too.
After I got home mom informed me she laid that blanket out in the back of my car to transport a goat to the fair. Afterwards she wadded it up and threw it in the trunk to deal with later.
I hope they don't think someone did that on purpose to be an asshole.
GottaRiskIt: Your going to special Hell.
Fgmaniac: Well no shit, how can you take the stairway to heaven in a wheelchair?
DHRtheTHIRD: First one-liner on reddit that has ever made me laugh out loud.
| 4 | 116.75 | |
1377926766 | 1377979058 | null | t5_2to41 | 256 | poopthrowaway8524095: TIFU and fell victim to yet another poop story
Dear TIFU, I never thought this would happen to me...
I just started my second year of college. This weekend, I thought it would be fun to arrange a reunion with two high school friends. I was so stoked. The boys were back in town! Well, we're actually girls, but you know what I mean.
We met at our old haunt, the mall. We shopped, caught up with each other, and talked about old times on the gymnastics team. Then we went to the food court to eat. We got to quoting Mean Girls, as we always used to. It was a blast.
I excused myself to get another straw from the condiment island. My old one was fine, but I needed an excuse to get away and sneak out a fart I'd been holding back. Can you guess where this is going?
Dear reader, I wish I could tell you that I let a clean toot and got away scot-free, but sadly, this is not that story. There was no sound. Only a warm sensation that froze me to my core. I waddled back to the table, light-headed in terror at what I’d just done.
"Whoa, Emily. Did you just see a ghost?"
"What.... No.... I... I have to... go... Excuse me..."
"Are you going to the bathroom? I'll come wi-"
"NO! I have to... get something from my car. Gimme two seconds!"
I covered my bottom with my purse just in case, and power walked to the ladies' room. I couldn’t let my friends see me, so I went all the way down to the one on the first story. Why why WHY did I wear a skirt today?? I didn’t dare look back, for fear of the massive poop trail I must be leaving.
I ran into a stall and tried my best to clean up the mess. Luckily, there were wet wipes in my purse. I took my undies to the sink and tried to scrub away the horror, but they were unsalvageable. The stain and the smell weren't going anywhere. I had to throw them right in the trash. This must be karma for trying to toot where people are eating.
As I retraced my steps to our table, I was happy to see no poop on the floor. Go me! I carefully took my seat. Suddenly this chair felt extremely cold.
Wait. I'm in a mall. Why didn't I buy some underwear just now?
"Did you get what you needed from your car?"
"Oh. Um, crap! I forgot it! Be right back."
I rushed off again, as they laughed at my apparent ditziness. I held my skirt down with my hands, to ensure my quickened stride didn’t expose anything.
Onward, to Victoria's Secret. I raced to pick out the first reasonably cute pairs of underwear in my size. Something with stripes. No thongs, in case of another eruption. Ooh! I started to feel another fart come on. No no no no NO! This store is far too classy for me to spray shit all over the floor!
I bought some panties and stopped at the bathroom again. I sat on the toilet to fart, and luckily so, because it turned into diarrhea. Sorry if this is all gross, but come on, you're used to shit stories on this sub.
Then I put on my new underwear, and that was that. I had a good time with my friends, and the diarrhea was nice enough to wait until after our visit to return. The whole reason I'm writing this story is because I'm trapped on the toilet and needed something to pass the time.
Aftermath: No skirts for a while, my purse will have emergency underpants from now on, and every fart I face will now come with a mini heart attack.
**TL;DR** Was reunited with my homegirls. Pooped myself.
Lakonthegreat: Rule #1. NEVER EVER trust a fart.
YouAndMeToo: Or a girl with a dagger tattoo
idrink211: Or a lawyer.
Lakonthegreat: Or radiation. Fuck that magic shit.
YouAndMeToo: or a female lawyer with a dagger tattoo and a smelly snatch
tmotom: Or snakes. Never trust snakes.
| 7 | 36.571429 | |
1377921668 | 1378028045 | null | t5_2to41 | 41 | yrben: TIFU by accidentally taking my friends stuff, then billing him to return it.
The other day I was visiting a good friend from out of town. I had packed a small overnight bag for the journey, only a 4 hour drive. When I came home, I noticed that I had two phone chargers instead of the one I had left with. I immediately called my friend and said I had their charger and would mail it right away. I put the charger in an envelope, stamped and addressed, and stuck it in the outgoing mail box at my apartment.
I was feeling pretty responsible until he called me to let me know how badly I fucked up today. Apparently I had miscalculated postage or something, because it was a collect-on-delivery situation. So after stealing his phone charger, I had made him pay for it on delivery. When he gave me the news, he was not mad at all, and he doesn't think I could be this stupid. He's convinced I had planned it from the start, as an elaborate prank. I didn't even know they still did COD anymore, thats genius, he says. But payback will be swift... He's planning on mailing me some cheap, sun-spoiled wine WITH $20 insurance, all COD. I get what I deserve.
SketchmannT: Just reimburse him the money, no need for him to get bended out of shape over it.
[deleted]: bent*
SketchmannT: Yep, that's what I meant to spell, my bad.
| 4 | 10.25 | |
1377924033 | 1377988775 | null | t5_2to41 | 42 | cursedorenriched: TIFU by saying I had a boner
At a party with some cute, but random girls, and one of them jokingly says she's a slave to her 'bff'. Without even thinking of the consequences, I blurt out "I have the weirdest boner right now". Let the record show that I did not have a boner; I wasn't even half-chub.
But of course, all of the girls froze, stared at me, and when I looked up at them, laughed their asses off. And, they say they'll never let me live it down.
TL;DR: Claimed to have erection at inopportune time, chances of romance plummet.
TCrew2: What on earth possessed you?
cursedorenriched: It was a BBQ, so I guess slightly under-cooked food.
Thumbucket: so internet sayings don't work IRL? Strange.
| 4 | 10.5 | |
1377950545 | 1377994656 | null | t5_2to41 | 685 | PunkDoesntFit: TIFU by going to the hairdressers drunk
On Thursday, I was accepted into college so I decided to have a party like anyone would. I got a few friends over and so the mayhem began.
Smashed a bottle of Jack in the space of an hour, topped off a Bacardi and coke, 80/20 and dropped about halfway through whatever I drank next. Needless to say, I was out until 12:00pm the next day.
I waddled over to the kitchen to get some dry biscuits in an attempt to stop myself from emitting viscus death all over the house and just as I did a perfect 120 pivot to face the fridge only to see the hand-drawn notice tacked to it with a magnet that was once a squirrel but now only his body and one arm.
"Hairdressers at 1:30 FRIDAY"
I could have collapsed, I could have convulsed, I could have done both and left myself strewn on the cold floor for my roommate to discover my frozen corpse but no.
I couldn't help but feel that not attending this appointment would be a grave mistake, after all, college means new people and this hair was three months behind a Vietnam vet, 3 months in a spider-hole so, it must be done. A challenge that I have accepted, as god as my witness, I will get this hair cut.
And so, with a quick freshen up and some new clothes, I speed off out the door. 12:50.
Drive into afternoon traffic, barely holding sick down. 1:12.
Pull up on the parking lot, a block away from the hair dressers. 1:27.
Hoist myself through the doors, finally here. Vomit at the ready. 1:32
and so, the empty hairdressers greeted me, this would be an in and out job, nothing more, nothing less. Quick and clean.
The woman at the reception desk comes up to lead me to a chair after a few minutes of waiting and just as I open my mouth to say 'Thanks'. A storm of regret, Jack, Bacardi, Coke and dry biscuits topples out like Niagara falls, sliding down her dress, the majority of it on the floor and her shoes and then I slump back into a stationary position only for her to do some sort of Patrick Stewart quadruple take. I'm freaking out, she's freaking out, the other hairdresser is in a limbo of anger and laughter and I just lift my hands up in defense and walk at a fairly brisk pace backwards while saying sorry all the while.
Still haven't got my hair cut.
TL;DR: I empty the contents of a college-acceptance party all over the hairdresser and run off.
Edit: I didn't add it for the overall flow and comedic effect of the story but my roommate drove me up there, I did not drink and drive.
PoseidonDiver: Why didn't you just call and re-schedule for Saturday?
PunkDoesntFit: And miss out on a once in a lifestyle experience of throwing up on another human being? Never.
notgayinathreeway: FYI, go back there ASAP and ask for the girl you threw up on, and give her a $50 tip in advance and apologize and maybe she won't give you a bad haircut.
PunkDoesntFit: If I were to give her a £50 tip. I think she'd still shave a cock into my hair.
waitwert: no need to have her cut your hair, but you need to tip her for being disgusting and vomiting all over her, I would of at least tried to help clean up my vomit.
PunkDoesntFit: I could tell she didn't want that. I could tell she just wanted me out of her face as quick as possible to let her process how her life got her to this very point in time. That point where she had my vomit on her clothes, shoes and establishment floor.
waitwert: Send her a goddamn check and learn how not to drink, don't mix your poisons young buck!
PunkDoesntFit: Pretty sure she isn't entitled to money. I will swing by on my shift tomorrow to apologize but apart from that, it would make matters worse trying to buy her out of an apology. As for 'young buck', I don't think you have to be condescending, like, you got your point across. At this point, I think you might be my hairdresser.
waitwert: she isn't entitled to shit, your right. You're a young adult this is what you do when you VOMIT ON SOMEONE and want to TRY and make it up. Do you understand? And no money does not make things worse.
PunkDoesntFit: This condescending aspect of you clearly isn't letting up anytime soon. Look, an apology is fine, I agree, I should apologize but giving her money is of no use, if I damaged her coffee table so she needed to buy a new one, the money would fund her new coffee table rightfully. Giving her money in this case will ease nothing and might even make her feel awkward because she isn't entitled to it.
waitwert: Look you have clearly never worked in the service industry have you? I can tell because you assume money makes things more awkward, if you painted this picture correctly I assume you vomited all over a stylist and apparently her coffee table. On top of that she had to clean your vomit from the floor/ toss her vomit drenched clothes. Add to that you missed you appointment meaning she lost even more money due to the fact that she could of been cutting someone elses hair. She is entitled, you fucked up. it is on you to either be a jerk or you can be a decent human and toss her 15 bucks with a i'm so sorry i puked my insides on you. do whatever the fuck you want.
PunkDoesntFit: You do realize she isn't the one man army here? There are three hairdressers in there and hairdressing isn't a crowded place, you can't just drop it, set appointments are made. If she wants money, she can have whatever she wants to cover it but I don't think you realize that some people are very awkward in accepting someone else s money, I am especially like this. How many of your friends or family or perhaps yourself, when asked what they want for Christmas or Birthday, they will reply "Oh, don't bother, you really don't have to" and you do get them something and they did want something but it's social etiquette to not say "I WANT THIS AND THIS AND THROW IN THIS" because it's someone else s money, whether I owe it her or not, walking into her establishment and throwing money at her isn't the only solution.
waitwert: I guess we just see things much differently!
PunkDoesntFit: Yes, people are different and approach things differently. I respect that you and others would prefer money to cover the costs of loss of buisness.
waitwert: And I respect that you are an entitled, vomit spewing prick.
PunkDoesntFit: Well, an hour later and you've came out of nowhere with this like, why? I wasn't saying it in a horrible way, no need to just get serious all of a sudden.
waitwert: You need to be aware your behavior is disgusting literally and you need to man up and rectify the situation, no excuses. That's why.
PunkDoesntFit: I already said I was going to prior to you being like this. No point in being hostile all of a sudden, I know my behavior is bad, hence why this subreddit is 'Today I fucked up', not 'Today I did something great'
waitwert: Today you fucked up maybe tomorrow you can make it better. Words mean shit give her some money and don't say it is awkward, it may be awkward for you to revisit your vile behavior. BUt she will greatly appreciate it.
PunkDoesntFit: I'm swinging by tomorrow so I will give her the money she wants, if she wants any at all. I understand I fucked up.
waitwert: good boy.insist she take it.
| 22 | 31.136364 | |
1377948591 | 1378177010 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally sending an invitation on LinkedIn to a former manager I despise
This guy used to sexually harass my teammate, would break down and cry in his office, give us impossible assignments that exceeded our financial and technical limits, and do endless idiotic things. I was scrolling through "People You May Know" and I accidentally sent him an invitation. This is the last guy I want to ever have contact with. Ever.
barnacledoor: Isn't there a way to cancel an invite?
[deleted]: I think I figured out how to cancel it. I hope it was done in time.
| 3 | 1 | |
1377986560 | 1378180808 | null | t5_2to41 | 244 | [deleted]: TIFU by creeping a strange girl out in the elevator
So, I work in an office building, but I make mosaics on the side. Whenever I see a pattern or color combination that interests me, I try to memorize it for use in a new piece.
I'm getting lunch at the deli and there's a girl in a very retro dress. It's aqua and yellow and black and it's got a very Art Deco geometric vibe so I'm trying to memorize it. I'm not going to take a picture because the place is packed and if she screams, I'm going to pounded into the ground by a group of construction workers.
I leave the deli and I notice that this woman works in my building. We get in the elevator together and I decide to at least compliment her on her dress.
She says thank you, and then, because I am an idiot, I tell her how I couldn't take my eyes off of it at the deli. She gives me this sort of nervous laugh and it's not until she gets off the elevator that I realize how incredibly creepy it must be to have some strange guy babbling on about your dress while you're alone in the fucking elevator.
Note to self: shut. the. fuck. up. next time.
EDIT: this happened during the work week, but I forgot about it until now.
yotama9: Why people have to try and be mysterious/clever all the time. Just tell the story in a short manner. I design mosaics. Your dress looks for a mosaic. Can I take a picture".
JohnnyWink: This. It's called friendly conversation. People like it.
yotama9: I'm nor sure if your criticizing me or supporting me
JohnnyWink: Supporting you. Just saying its better to just come right out say what you mean and mean what you say.
yotama9: Thanks. seems that not doing so is main driving force for the plot in movies and books.
| 6 | 40.666667 | |
1377994255 | 1378181703 | null | t5_2to41 | 974 | D0M1NATE: TIFU by wearing dress pants to my great grandma's funeral
So a few months ago, went on a trip to vegas I kept secret from my parents, had an incredible time, but was also bombarded by the corner guys shoving cards with nude photos of girls in your hands. No big deal put them in my dress pants.
Fast forward, my great grandmother past away after 93 years this week and I flew out to attend her funeral and took my dress pants. Just to make matters worse my extended family is super conservative. Long story short, pants were being ironed and my whole family got so see some porn pictures fall out of my pants. -___- And vegas is no longer a secret. I'm destined to be an outcast.
tl;dr went to vegas. porn cards accepted. conservative family saw them right before great grandmas funeral
TheBiles: More like you fucked up by not washing your pants after a trip to Vegas.
FoxtrotZero: I'm not so sure he fucked up *after* he left Vegas. That order of events just doesn't seem quite right.
Also, happy cakeday.
[deleted]: What the fuck's a cake day?
FoxtrotZero: Ah, the reddit uninitiated. Such beautiful ignorance. I bet you still think twice about clicking when you see a gore tag.
[deleted]: Not really. I've been here for awhile, I've just never heard of cake day.
redankulous: It's your reddit birthday. The day you made an account x amount of years ago. Supposedly it's a big deal and you post anything on a default sub mentioning it and you get to the front page
[deleted]: Oh. Okay then. Thanks.
| 8 | 121.75 | |
1377987749 | 1378071362 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | N585PU: TIFU by inadvertently being an asshole on a train
So it's labor day weekend in the US and this morning, I got on the Amtrak train to go back home. It was just after 7 and I had gotten up at 5, so I was in a bit of a daze when I boarded.
I usually board first in order to get my pick of seats on the train. Unfortunately this doesn't allow you to pick your seatmate. I watched normal-looking people and a few cute girls work their way towards the back of the car, which had more open seats. Cue my shitty luck when a disheveled-looking foreign student sits down next to me. He smells like he hasn't showered in a week. Just straight up homeless. The wet dog-like smell. I've had quite a few homeless customers at work and you just know who they are based on the smell.
Anyways, I wasn't too happy about this. Smelly kid gets up to go use the bathroom, but for some reason, I though he got up to sit somewhere else. This is good. Then a normal guy in his mid-fifties or so sits down next to me. I make small talk with him. And I'm just absolutely thrilled that I'd not be stuck with a rank-ass seatmate for the next three hours. But I made no mention of the fact that someone was previously sitting there.
Five minutes later, smelly kid comes back. Fuck. Having failed to properly brief my new seatmate, they both start arguing about the seat. I just left my headphones on and pretended to not notice this. This went on for like fifteen minutes, with the smelly kid standing by his old seat. Apparently there were no more seats in the car. At this point I could feel my new seatmate's rage building, that I led him to believe that he could be here and sit near his family.
The smelly kid finally found a seat somewhere in the car. The conductor came through looking for volunteers to be re-seated a few minutes later, and I was one of them. I got a free cup of coffee from the conductor for my "cooperation" and sipped it as I fought off glares from those who previously sat next to me the entire way home.
tl;dr: Created a logistical clusterfuck in coach class, fucked over 2 people, felt like a complete asshole.
jdizzleh3: I guess you could say that was a....trainwreck.
jidgeruth: Cha Ching
| 3 | 10.666667 | |
1377928353 | 1378362523 | null | t5_2to41 | 57 | mustangwolf1997: TIFU by watching porn on my computer
I'll keep this brief.
My gaming/animating computer is in my kitchen, so I usually wait until my parents are in bed to... Get busy.
Now I've recently fine tuned the NVIDIA settings, and my computer is still adjusting. A few hiccups here and there, but it runs so much smoother. 80 FPS on Mirror's Edge, 30-45 while recording.
After both my parents are asleep, I load up my favourite website.
After many videos, I'm on the best one yet. Almost finished... My mother walks in.
MY COMPUTER FUCKING FREEZES.
I can't hit the close button in time.
As she walks in, it closes everything, and I'm leaning forward to hide my manhood.
Now keep in mind that because I'm worried about this stuff, I only undo my fly and keep a napkin around, so the grip of the zipper is... Well...
The handle of the zipper is being forced into the base of my dick.
FORCED INTO IT.
IT FUCKING HURTS, MAN!
As I'm leaning forward, everything hidden by the desk, I look back, and she's not paying attention, but obviously acting weird.
She's in the kitchen only a couple minutes, but the pain and humiliation made it seem like hours.
I went into the living room after, doing this whole "God dammit. I hate these email spam popups." thing. I seem to have her convinced it was a popup to some porn site... I'm pretty damn sure she knows what it ***REALLY*** was.
My dick hurts.
So much.
--------------------------------------
**TL;DR: Watched porn on my computer, mom walked in, dick stabbed by zipper grip, physical and emotional pain experienced.**
team-periwinkle: She knew.
MyNaemIsAww: And frankly mothers don't care. They know it's a part of having a son.
krillingt75961: They know its best not to say anything. its embarrassing for them and a million times worse for you.
MyNaemIsAww: Truly, my mom would've been all like "LOL I SAW WHAT YOU DID LOLOLOLOL"
Classic mom.
krillingt75961: That's disturbing.
| 6 | 9.5 | |
1377995879 | 1378304877 | null | t5_2to41 | 175 | jtl94: TIFU by accidentally telling my waitress I was giving her a quarter tip.
So a bunch of my buddies and I went to Atlanta for DragonCon today. We were getting tired and went to a restaurant to eat and chill. The tickets come and mine was about $9.75, so I gave a $10 and the waitress asked if I wanted my change. I knew telling her no meant she would get it, but I didn't know that meant it was the /only/ tip you were going to give. I planned to give her more of a tip. So she comes back, kind of throws my check down in front of me and says, "Sir, I don't need your quarter" real snarky. I immediately feel horrible, realizing she thought that was going to be her only tip from me. So I gave her a $20 tip wrote on the check that I didn't mean it that way.
Tl;dr didn't realize "keep the change" meant "That's the only tip you're getting" so I tipped really well.
theDutchessOfDank: Server here. She was completely rude about it and deserved that tip. Today.. she fucked up.
ididyourbrother: You have a wonderful user name.
theDutchessOfDank: I like yours too.
| 4 | 43.75 | |
1378004326 | 1378136523 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: TIFU flirting
I work a floor below a young woman, maybe 19-21 tops, and looks like she'd be just my type...
Thursday, I got stuck in a call during our scheduled break times so I was allowed to take a late break as soon as I got off the call. Woman was outside smoking in the alley when I got downstairs. I thought, 'Sweet.! Everyone else I work with is back upstairs. Now is my chance to say hello and not have everyone give me shit.!!'
So I go over and ask if she has a lighter I can borrow to light the deliciousness that is a Black and Mild. She hands me her lighter, I thank her and introduce myself. We flirt for a few minutes and right before I go to ask her out sometime I ask how old she is and she says, 'I'm 59."
I was wrong... I was very very wrong....
EDIT: It apparently needs to be spell out that I stopped talking to this woman.
PLOVAPODA: Seems like an arbitrary reason to give up on someone but whatever
axnymphetamine: I did.
Said, 'shit, my breaks up. I have to go." and have avoided her since...
PLOVAPODA: Do you know what arbitrary means?
axnymphetamine: whim. yes.
PLOVAPODA: I understood from your post that you were no loner interested in her. I was saying it seemed like a strange reason to completely reject her, she could be a very interesting person and you already said she seemed to be your type physically.
axnymphetamine: I'm 20. I like older women don't get me wrong but not that much older.
SpaceFace5000: What are you looking for a virgin or something? Go and fuck that cougar you wimp. How often do you have a chance at that?
megalurkeruygcxrtgbn: I think he might be looking for a relationship. If I'm 20, looking for a relationship with someone I may marry, I'm not going above like 32, and that's pushing it.
| 9 | 2.666667 | |
1378010462 | 1378180754 | null | t5_2to41 | 115 | Anon_Alcoholc: TIFU By Not Wearing Underwear
So tonight I decided to do a load of laundry, most of it included boxers since well I kept putting it off until it was too much to ignore. Anyways I put on a pair of jeans since they were the only clean thing I had granted they were relatively worn, get a call from a friend asking to go out to eat/drink and since I've mostly been home lately I say why the fuck not? Well that question was answered after going to Wal-Mart for a few random things, having my friend toss me a football low, me bending over to catch it and rip... Right the fuck down my ass, so all though it was only about 5 minutes I was walking around basically bare ass.
friedjumboshrimp: Male or Female?
NinjaCoachZ: Did the mention of boxers not tip you off?
Anonivixen: I'm female and I wear boxers.
Tyler510: I find that a turn on in general. Am I weird yet
Anonivixen: Not really?
| 6 | 19.166667 | |
1378014112 | 1378044828 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU by clogging the toilet
Let me preface this, by saying that I am a teenager in highschool, and that my mother's birthday is today.
So, after a night of celebration, my hard working mom is finally ready for a nice cup or tea and some relaxation. I get a feeling in my stomach, then rush to the bathroom. I proceed to take the most glorious shit of my life, while contemplating motivation strategies and the mysteries of the universe. I get up, flush, then.. crap (pun intended). The toilet rushed with water, and all I can do is yell "MOM?!!" So proceeds the next hour of me feeling like a complete asshole, and my poor mom's birthday, getting a little shittier.
TheAlmightySeabass: Been there.
I'm so, so sorry.
_saif: It's just.. so.. bad..
TheAlmightySeabass: That feeling of "well I'm fucked" is one of the worst things.
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1378019423 | 1378054272 | null | t5_2to41 | 45 | ZachsSmirkingRevenge: TIFU by preventing a possible rape.
Tonight I (white male 20) decided to have a few drinks with friends (two white females 20/21) in my room and drive them up town in our college town to the clubs. No big deal. I do this all the time.
It is getting time to leave and I decided to grab my car from the near by parking lot and pick up my friends at the door. On my way tot he lot I come up to a VERY intoxicated women (black and very underaged) in the grass struggling to put on her shoes. She has lost her phone and her keys but has had enough to drink she doesn't care one bit.
I know that recent events in my college town, two women getting raped in the past three weeks, means it is not safe for me to just blow this off. I made a choice to help her back to her dorm and mostly make my friends late to the clubs up town.
I struggle to get her to comply, but she agrees it is for the best for her to go home. In the process of taking her back to her dorm and attempting to be the stable anchor for her while she meanders in the general direction, I receive an infuriated call from my friends, demanding I bail on my new ward and accommodate the original plans. I explain the situation and they are having none of it. They leave without me to walk up to the club.
After I successfully check the strange woman into her dorm, I attempt to meet my friends halfway and drive them the rest of the way. I park my car in a near by business, get out and try to explain in person the situation. Again, they were having none of it.
So now I am certain that my better judgement has cost me a preciously cherished friendship.
TL;DR drunk bitches be tripping
electricfistula: >So now I am certain that my better judgement has cost me a preciously cherished friendship.
I can't imagine a real friend failing to understand that you needed to do something else instead of help them get to a bar. If they would discontinue your friendship over something like this means they probably aren't great friends anyway.
As a final note, be careful with that whole drinking and driving thing.
ZachsSmirkingRevenge: Valid points, but I'm a big guy, and it was two. It doesn't make it okay, but it puts it into perspective.
electricfistula: If you think it wasn't okay then you should definitely stop doing it. DUI is actually a pretty big deal, I don't the specifics of the law where you live, but "it was just two drinks" will very likely not be accepted as a defense. Around a college campus there are going to be a ton of cops and they make a living stopping kids like you - I wouldn't gamble your quality of life on the easiest way to get to a bar.
Finally, it can be a hard line to decide when you've had too much to drive, it gets harder when you're drinking (and harder still when you're young). A better rule, in my opinion, is to not drink and drive at all.
ZachsSmirkingRevenge: It really is, honestly, just a hard mind set to break. The 'im invincible, it cant happen to me' phase is still pretty strong with me. I hate it but its true.
thuly: That attitude is part of why you're posting in "Today I Fucked Up."
| 6 | 7.5 | |
1378026871 | 1378067020 | null | t5_2to41 | 419 | Poogri: TIFU by crashing my gf's car
My gf decided to come visit me (1 hr drive) after getting her **brand new car** less than a month ago.
We hang out and drive around town, and then we realize that she is out of gas.
At the gas station, she has trouble backing up into a vacant spot by the pump.
Being the macho man that I am, I offer to do it for her, and jump in the drivers seat while she stands by the car.
I then proceed to somehow slam the fucking accelerator, backing up into a trashcan and then into the concrete partition, creating a quarter sized hole in the center of the metallic gash, complete with yellow paint from the partition as a finisher.
GF looks in horror as I begin to shit my pants.
**TL;DR**: GF visits in brand new car, I fucked up by crashing it into concrete.
**Update**:
It was a honda civic, so it wasn't like some luxury vehicle but nevertheless it was brand new.
Initially it got complicated because the insurance company can't cover accidents that her asswipe boyfriend caused. She ended up telling her parents that she had a small accident, and left the marks on the car without fixing it to save money. After literally hours of profusely apologizing and offering to pay for the damages, my gf forgave me and to this day insists I don't have to pay for it. Doesnt matter though, I still feel like a jackass lol.
Btw i know this is a TIFU but this happened 2 years ago. We are still together
hasaan_: Genuine TIFU. Be sure to post an update.
tmotom: Indeed. There was even pants shitting.
ThePotatoGods12: Figurative?
Xidas: Figuratively literal.
jackfreeman: So Google literal? Which is figuratively... fuck.
| 6 | 69.833333 | |
1377989885 | 1378207013 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU, Sorry cute girl at bookstore
TIFU While I was at the bookstore going over my university notes. It was crowded so I pack my books up to get up and leave and when I turned around there was a cute girl right behind me smiling, waiting to take my seat.
I immediately put my gaze down to the floor as I was walking away. GOD I wish I could redo that and be less of a pussy.
At the time I was really swamped between school and work and had 1,000 thoughts racing through my mind. I was totally unprepared for that encounter.
Pretty disappointing. I hope I see her on campus again.
SketchmannT: I'm sure you will, just keep going there at the same time every day, your chances will get better.
[deleted]: Excellent, really great advice. You only saw her once, so make sure you really do put that extra effort in to make a real impression. Every day - make sure it's every day, so people don't think you're getting obsessive or ^anything ^^like ^^^that.
Relevant sketch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGSBp_ODzxw
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1378048359 | 1378097711 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | codmw3master: Tifu by walking on blazing hot asphalt barefoot.
Today I was out walking with friends and decided it would be smart to walk barefoot. I now have blisters on a large part of my feet.
zergbutt: Happened to me on the way to the beach once. The blisters ended up popping and sand got in them. Some nasty business.
codmw3master: Darn that has to hurt!
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1378032696 | 1378096369 | null | t5_2to41 | 55 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to kill a spider with my eyes closed.
I would like to preface this by letting you all know that I would rather receive cunnilingus from a shark than deal with a spider.
As I walk into my bedroom tonight and begin my bedtime routine, I noticed a piece of lint on my wall. I plugged in my phone and took a drink of refreshing room temperature tap water because I'm a lazy shit and didn't want to refill the Brita pitcher. Out of the corner of my eye, I see the lint move slightly. This is not normal for lint.
I realized that my expert spider killer is on vacation and fight or flight kicks in. I swear to god, I made eye contact with this son of a bitch. He knew death was imminent and began to run out of my sight. The closest substance I could use to kill the bastard was a bottle of lotion. I closed my eyes and poured my favorite lotion all over the wall.
My tactical error here is that I closed my eyes. I don't know why I did it. I will regret it until the day I die.
When I opened my eyes I saw movement from under the heap of lotion so I did the most reasonable thing. I harnessed the strength of Lenny from Of Mice and Men and I threw the nearly empty bottle at the area. Bad idea. The bottle broke, lotion exploded all over the walls, carpet, bed and my face.
I caught a glance of myself in the mirror; I looked like angry Hulk after a bukkake sesh. The adrenalin was pumping and I needed to be sure that there were no other spider brethren out to get me. I pulled my bed into the center of my room and emptied a bottle of extra strength bug killer onto every wall and corner. For a moment I contemplated showering myself with what was left of the spray. I didn't. The air in my room was mostly bug spray at this point and I was getting dizzy.
I found myself standing on my bed on high alert. My eyes were darting around, I used my sixth sense to *feel* for more spiders. As I calmed down, I looked over the damage and realized in my fit of sheer panic, I broke my lamp, I put a dent in the wall and my room was covered in lotion and bug spray. I may not get my deposit back from this apartment but I felt safe now. This was worth it.
"*I can fix the damage*", I thought to myself. I calmed down, curled into the center of my bed, took a Xanax and said a prayer. I am now laying here with the lights on, trying to think of a happy place.
**TL;DR Saw a spider. Harnessed the strength of a thousand retards. Probably lost my deposit.**
Rotten194: Why would you kill a spider? They eat other bugs.
There's a small spider that lives above my bed, pretty sure behind my poster. At first I worried a bit he would drop into my mouth and I would accidentally swallow him, but he's chill.
RonaldTheRedditor: He is not chill. No spider is "chill." SPIDERS ARE MINI-SATANS WITH WATER DROPLET HATS!
CryingCarrot: RonaldTheRedditor speaks the truth.
| 4 | 13.75 | |
1378029969 | 1378078697 | null | t5_2to41 | 128 | venice_mcgangbang: TIFU by accidentally swallowing shampoo! Warning: this is much worse than what you expect!
Oh boy.
Was in the shower, started washing my face with just a random hair+body "fire" shampoo (product of some brand thats supposed to give you energy) and i tilted my face backwards right under the stream of the shower. I was taken away by washing my face and only when I tilted my head back I had realized what has happened. Not only was the shampoo washed down the back of my throat through the nose but I have also taken a mouthful of shampoo water and accidentally swallowed it. My throat started to burn like the fires of hell and I actually started panicking from the intense pain in my throat. It got worse with every second and made my jump out of the shower and rush to get some water. After drinking half a liter of water the pain did not go away at all and tears started trickling from my eyes. Here I am sitting in the kitchen drinking water and waiting for the water to heat so i can make some tea with honey and the pain is severe. Please help! What can I do for it to go away??
Btw I have excessive saliva and mucus in my nose right now because of it - just a fun fact...
Super_Ozz: CALL POSION CONTROL! NOW! Chemical burns aren't fun. Make sure you dont need any professional help.
venice_mcgangbang: ah sorry for not answering and keeping you guys worried. it hurt for half of the day but its all better now, just a little tingling in my throat. i live in europe so no idea what poison control is. honey and water as well as eating something helped out quite a bit and after an hour or two the pain was fading. thanks! and in fact i did fuck up for not seeking help...
ssjkriccolo: if no poison control, emergency services then. better to look like a living fool than a dead one.
| 4 | 32 | |
1378065254 | 1378200001 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | sp00nzhx: TIFU by falling asleep
Last night technically, but it was around midnight so whatever. Also, only a minor fuck up but still.
I'm involved with some clubs on campus and have made friends, which is a large achievement in my book (I generally dislike social contact).
Well, one of my friends announced on his Facebook the other day that he'll be having a party today, Sunday, in the afternoon. He sends me a message around midnight, saying that I'm invited.
Well, I have an always-on desktop. Facebook is almost always on/showing as available because of that. But I had gone to sleep about an hour before he messaged me. I haven't done anything sociable all summer, nor have I really been involved in social activities outside of club things (we volunteer at the local astronomy center and do astronomy stuff in the community). So I may have missed my only chance to be sociable for a while to come.
TL;DR, slept through my only social opportunity for a while
mharrizone: I get where you're coming from and all, but it's not a big deal. Really.
I once slept through a good friend's *college graduation*. And I was supposed to give his mother a ride to the ceremony. I felt like a massive dick, but we can laugh about it now.
sp00nzhx: I know, and it later turned out that it's in the next town over (and I only have a bike, ruling me out of going) but I still feel like I fucked up, especially when I'd been making progress on being social.
mharrizone: Don't sweat it! Tell your friend "Sorry I couldn't make it last night, I fell asleep early. Let me know when the next shindig is!" You also may want to set Facebook IM to not show you as online when you're not so you don't have the added guilt of feeling like you're letting people/yourself down.
ProblemPie: You may also want to avoid using the word shindig, to avoid social ostracization and/or inadvertent time travel to the mid-'50s.
mharrizone: > inadvertent time travel to the mid-'50s.
Cut the gas, daddy-o.
| 6 | 5.5 | |
1378060013 | 1378095732 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,447 | [deleted]: TIFU by inviting 20 excited Europeans over to watch their first American Football game today.
The NFL doesnt start until Thursday.
Ive been hyping this party up for over a month thinking today was opening day. Nope. I spent $300 on party supplies, food, NFL gear and there is nothing to watch.
jidgeruth: That is fucking hilarious. All you can really do is laugh about it though. They'll probably find a soccer game to watch.
ossetepo: That Manchester United v Liverpool match was really something, wasn't it?
chensley: Did you see that ~~shameful~~ *ludicrous* display last night?
Edit: Fixed quote thanks to /u/herrojew
herrojew: > Did you see that *ludicrous* display last night?
chensley: Thanks for the assist
| 6 | 241.166667 | |
1378008406 | 1378104535 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | zebraldinalindabum: TIFU and told this guy that I hoped he had "an awesome time" while taking care of his sick dad.
Reddit, today I fucked up bad! There is this guy who kind of likes me but I don't like him (I don't dislike him either, I just think he is a little boring) and he sends me text messages every once in a while and I reply because I don't want to be rude... so today he sent me one telling me, he was back home for a while... and I asked him if he was on vacation and he replied saying that not really, he was there to take care of his dad who has cancer and that because of that he got a few weeks off work so he could do that. I was only half paying attention to what he was saying and texting him while texting other people that I was more interested in talking to, so I just replied : "ah, how nice... hope you have an awesome time!". Only now, hours later, I realized what I said. FML.
tl:dr I am a dumbass.
Sum_Azn_Gai: Asian?
zebraldinalindabum: No, why?
| 3 | 5 | |
1378061557 | 1378098607 | null | t5_2to41 | 46 | WowzersInMyTrowzers: TIFU by trusting some questionable pepperoni.
This was actually yesterday.
Saw some pepperoni in the fridge. The edges of the pepperoni had turned gray and we bought it like 3 months ago. However, there was nothing growing on it, so figured "why not" and I put it on my sandwich.
HUGE FUCKING MISTAKE. I have been puking/had the shits for 16 hours straight. Not even fucking kidding. So yea. TIFU.
three_skin: Think about your best poop ever to cheer you up. /r/fantasypoops
HumanistGeek: My reaction to that is a mixture of laughter and "what the fuck?".
| 3 | 15.333333 | |
1378077994 | 1378092903 | null | t5_2to41 | 50 | ShitStainedLegoBrick: TIFU by making cinnamon toast
Today I discovered the wonders of cinnamon toast. I made my first piece and found it so delicious I had to make more. I take my second piece out of the oven to trim the burnt edges off, however when trimming the burnt bits off a piece of it breaks off. Almost instinctively I pick this piece up from the plate and put it in my mouth, seemingly ignoring the fact that I witnessed the sugar bubbling not 15 seconds earlier. The sticky, hot lump of delicious malice then sticks itself to the roof of my mouth, clinging on for a good 3 seconds before I could remove it, along with some of the skin that used to be in my mouth. To remember my stupidity I have a rather sore patch of dead skin in my mouth which makes eating almost anything rather unpleasant.
jacobstamand: Easy version of cinnamon toast.
Mix sugar and cinnamon in a small bowl.
Toast a couple slices of bread.
Butter toast. (do this right after toast is done so that the butter melts)
Spoon sugar/cinnamon mixture onto toast.
Tip toast over bowl so that excess sugar/cinnamon falls off.
Enjoy.
jonnyapplepie: That is to the letter, exactly what I do. I thought I was the only one that tipped the excess sugar off the toast
| 3 | 16.666667 | |
1378085277 | 1378086034 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | bloodypenisblood: TIFU by wanking and making my dick bleed
So for most of the day my dick had been hurting if it rubbed on anything and I forgot about this as I went to bed early. So I get in the mood and start teasing one off thinking this is a bit painful but what ever I was in the mood didn't want to stop. Comes to the messy part after I finish look down and dick is bleeding a little and painful if touched.
BIGPROBLEMSATHOME: Damn dude. Take a break every now and then for gods sake.
bloodypenisblood: 2nd time or two days. Hadn't done it for a while before then.
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1378088092 | 1378151990 | null | t5_2to41 | 167 | fermentedgrape-o: TIFU by closing my bedroom door.
I am 22 years old but have old-fashioned parents. My boyfriend was visiting for this past weekend but was not allowed to stay in my room despite me living away for the past five years and my parents being completely aware that I stay in his room at his apartment when I visit. We were actually just laying in bed redditing but my dog was barking ferociously downstairs so I made the executive decision to close the door to my room so we could hear the TV in the background and continue relaxing while on the Internet. My mom comes upstairs and sees my bedroom door closed... immediately assumed we're having sex... immediate bitch session.
TL;DR: Today, I got bitched at for having sex when I was just innocently redditing in bed with my boyfriend and didn't want to be disturbed by my miniature, annoying dog.
guruchild: You're not in trouble because you were having sex. You're in trouble because you could have been.
fermentedgrape-o: Right! My mom was also leaving at the time so we had hours to ourselves after this incident... if we're going to get yelled at for it, we might as well get yelled at for something we've done!
OddBob212: So get off Reddit and go do it! Don't worry, we'll still be here when you're finished.
fermentedgrape-o: Haha! Don't worry, we already had our revenge hours ago!
[deleted]: You're 22... Enjoy the stamina of youth and get more revenge
MadreDios: I feel like this is slowly descending into you guys forcing random strangers on the internet to relentlessly revenge fuck for your amusement.
Today_I_fucked_up: >forcing random strangers on the internet to relentlessly fuck for your amusement.
Reddit in a nutshell.
| 8 | 20.875 | |
1378088801 | 1378206816 | null | t5_2to41 | 100 | dasfunny: TIFU by letting my 7 year old sister crash her friend's go kart into his dad's porsche.
I'll start off by giving you a little background. I am 16, and my little sister is 7. She was bored and wanted to go hang out at her friend's house down the street. So I took her there.
When we got there, her friend insisted on showing me his new go kart. So I said sure. We went to his garage, and he showed me his go kart. I asked if I can try it out and he said sure. I rode it around for about a minute and then got off.
Then my sister asked if she can try it. I was skeptical at first because she's never driven anything like this. But then I thought, *"It has four wheels. It's not like she's gonna flip it or anything."*
So I told her she can. I showed her all the controls. How to steer, how to go, and how to brake. Then I step away and let her go.
She then proceeded to drive straight into a Porsche. Her friend's dad's Porsche. Everyone freaked out, and ran inside to tell him. And to make matters worse, they exaggerated a lot and told him the scratch was ***huge*** and she was going ***super fast*** when she crashed into it.
The dad was super nice about it, but I felt guilty as fuck. I said sorry multiple times. And I told my sister to apologize but she never did.
Then about 20 minutes later as we were leaving, I told my sister to go say thank you for all the snacks they gave her and for being so cool about everything. But instead of saying thank you, she started crying because she didn't want to go. The crying then turned into screaming and yelling and calling me names. I finally had to carry her out of there because she refused to leave. I kept on apologizing as we were leaving.
I've never felt so fucking stressed out and embarrassed in my entire life.
**TL;DR:** My sister crashed her friend's go kart into his dad's Porsche, and didn't say sorry. Then as we were leaving, she started to cry and scream because she didn't want to go yet.
EDIT: Here is what the go kart looked like: http://images.hayneedle.com/mgen/master:RZ058.jpg
Here is what the Porsche looked like: http://www.seriouswheels.com/pics-2012/nopq/2012-Porsche-Cayenne-GTS-Red-Static-1-1920x1440.jpg
nukelauncher95: Good thing it is just a Cayenne. If it was a 911, he would have killed all of you on the spot. I am not joking, nor am I exaggerating. You, your sister, and your sister's friend would not be living anymore.
mamapycb: "Good thing it is just a Cayenne"
That was my first thought too.........
firefighting_dick: But it's a GTS.
| 4 | 25 | |
1378093837 | 1378141796 | null | t5_2to41 | 599 | PaxMalum: TIFU By touching my vagina. [NSFW]
About a week ago, I bought several cans of tomatoes. Today, I made my first attempt at homemade salsa. I chopped up three jalapenos and a few hotter peppers and washed my hands.
Then I chopped up the garlic and washed my hands.
Blended everything up and (you guessed it) washed my hands.
Then I washed my hands again.
And again.
A bit later, I had to go to the bathroom. My fingers touched my lady parts. Instantly, regret filled my mind. "But wait," I thought, "I washed my hands, like, ten times! Everything should be fine!" Nope! As soon as I stood up, fiery pain swept through my lady garden.
I needed help. I looked at my boyfriend and said, "I feel like Gob" and told him the whole sordid affair. He googled and told me that milk would help extinguish the burning, so I grabbed the rest of the half gallon we had in the fridge, ran to the bathroom and poured ice cold milk on my angry vagina. Nothing could have felt worse. Burning quickly turned into icy horror as my vag tried to close up and escape.
Now I'm out of the shower, and the burning and freezing has subsided, and I'm trying to figure out who I can push the rest of the peppers onto.
TLDR: Salsa is evil.
EDIT: Yes, latex gloves, I understand.
AdamantD: My lady bits just shriveled up...
EPIDKRAWER: My penis shriveled up, died, went into my body, became a vagina, and shriveled up again...
Fgmaniac: Ha ha, suckers, that's why I cut my junk off *years* ago!
Skullchaos: /r/spacedicks
Get_This: [So.. I visited it.](http://i.imgur.com/nNmeZ.gif)
matt90679: http://i.imgur.com/Doe1BHR.gif
SantasAssassin: Just watched IT Crowd on Netflix. Reddit's hype was justified.
| 8 | 74.875 | |
1378095838 | 1378178858 | null | t5_2to41 | 45 | Is-this-witty-enough: TIFU by coat-hangering an old lady.
So this happened a while ago but I didn't know TIFU then.
I was riding the bus home from school and the disabled seats were the only ones free. I thought i'd just sit there until a person in need needs it.
The next stop a lovely old lady gets on the bus, I stand up to give her the seat and the bus driver accelerates a little bit. I grab a pole to steady myself. Old lady fall neck first onto my arm.
She said she was alright but I feel terrible about the whole thing.
sh0rtz: Its clothes-lining not coat-hangering IIRC
TheBanger: Yep, as in running into a clothes-line. Coat-hangering made me think that he attempted a DIY abortion.
blzy79: Hahahahaha woooowwwww I can seriously imagine the old women wearing a luchadore mask and just getting clothes lined while the bus driver counts to 10 btw what was the name of that show on Cartoon Network with the wrestling kids lucha libre?
TheBanger: I don't know, I watched that show a few times when I was younger but never really got into it.
| 5 | 9 | |
1378130823 | 1378180665 | null | t5_2to41 | 964 | mcnutty226: TIFU by being hangover and severing an artery
So I was hungover and tired and about to work a 7 hour shift. In my infinite wisdom I thought it would be a good idea to go for a long bike ride in 87 degree weather. After an hour of riding and feeling like shit I came home in very bad mood. I store my rode bike in my basement, which has this very annoying door that sticks and is hard to open. I turn the handle of the door but its stuck, so I pound on it again and again and again. On my final swing I miss the wooden edge of the door and put my hand straight through the glass, I then proceed to scream like a little bitch as blood begins spraying everywhere. Call 911, go to hospital. All said and done I severed my radial artery and radial nerve, requiring surgery, while I will have most movement I will most likely never regain feeling.
On the bright side I don't have to work for a while.
I'm an idiot.
http://i.imgur.com/ZoLLT2c.jpg
(NSFW GORE)
edit: Sorry for typos, done with one hand from mobile
Cyridius: Well at least now you can get onto some serious masturbation techniques.
Always an upside!
mcnutty226: The ultimate stranger
OceanRacoon: Hey, where exactly did you cut your arm? I've, uh, gotten bored of the same old, if you know what I mean.
mcnutty226: about 4 inches up from my wrist it was 6 inches across and down to the bone
OceanRacoon: Instructions not clear, got dick stuck in wrist.
EDIT: Wound has now healed around aforementioned dick
burkholderia: Guy heals like wolverine over here.
Arsestolemyname: Doesn't fap like wolverine though... that requires castration.
Tb0n3: what?
Pandolin11: **DOESN'T FAP LIKE WOLVERINE, THOUGH. THAT REQUIRES CASTRATION.**
| 10 | 96.4 | |
1378070783 | 1378143577 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | Jracx: TIFU by photocopying hundreds of pages incorrectly.
I was promoted to a managerial position on a new unit opening up in the hospital I work in. I had to lead a small class instructing the majority of the staff how the new unit will operate. Part of the class included a handbook which I so generously told everyone I would provide. So on my break I went in and set to work on the photocopier. Now this is one of those large all in one units has a scanner where you lift up the lid as well as a slot to feed paper in through the top both to get copied. Unbeknown to me if there is a paper in the scanner under the lid part that is the priority document to be scanned. So I go in set my handbook into the feeder part and hit copy. 32 copied approximately 320 pages. I went to go grab lunch expecting it to be ready when I get back. Instead 20 minutes later when I get back I see the last sheet of paper being ejected and it looks nothing like the handbook. Someone had left something in the scanner previously and I had not bothered to check. So I inadvertently printed 300 copies of some other document. I had time to reprint the document but I felt awful about all the wasted paper/ink the rest of the day.
DJzrule: At least you gave a shit about the wasted materials. Some people I know still print emails because they're idiots. Said people print hundreds of emails a year.
This was a technical difficulty, you didn't expect someone to leave their original copy in there. Treat everything like a gun, always loaded, and probably going to be looked over.
strngsvlmstng96: I think printing email destroys one of the purposes of having email in the first place: having to deal with less physical clutter.
| 3 | 8 | |
1378147225 | 1378350458 | null | t5_2to41 | 112 | therapist_throwaway: TIFU by causing a mental breakdown through Skype sex
My fiancé “Gou” and I are going through some problems. Gou was recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), a very serious (but treatable) personality disorder marked by being highly sensitive to rejection and spending a lot of time thinking about and feeling afraid of possible abandonment.
This means that Gou is obsessed with me not leaving her.
People with BPD have intense sensitivity in relationships with others, difficulty regulating emotions and impulsivity.
This impulsivity manifests itself in substance or alcohol abuse, eating disorders, unprotected sex (or indiscriminate sex with multiple partners), reckless spending and driving, quitting jobs or relationships, running away, shoplifting and self-injury.
Gou has just about all of those, including the cutting, the alcoholism and the infidelity, the latter of which is the reason why we broke up last year and I moved to a different country.
After a yearlong separation, we slowly started to chisel away at these profound problems and we’re at a point now where we may pick up where we left off.
The main requirement for this to move forward, I told Gou, is to start seeing a therapist several times per week and be completely honest with him.
To Gou’s credit, she’s done so and has been sharing her discussions with me and it’s improved our relationship considerably. She’s quit drinking, cutting herself and the therapist has been helping her to regulate her emotions so that she doesn’t get paranoid and engage in other risky behaviors — including the cheating.
I’ve since morphed from Romeo to Logical Therapist Friend and have been putting the brakes on all things emotional and romantic until the situation gets sorted. It’s a constant process of reassuring Gou against potential abandonment and firmly parenting her so that she can deal with her emotions so that she doesn’t act out and do something risky.
Logical Therapist Friend, however, decided to take the night off last night and get drunk. Romeo emerged and convinced a reluctant Gou to have Skype sex with me, a raunchy performance with her Rampant Rabbit that was capped off with a close-up of an engorged clit that made me blow my load all over my computer screen.
The computer is fine (thank god), but Gou’s not. Being the drunk gentleman I am, I encouraged her to skip her therapy appointment in lieu of fist-fucking herself. Her phone was ringing in the background and she clearly indicated that she really wanted to keep this appointment. But I fed her a line of bullshit that indicated that, “Meh, it’s only a therapist — screw him and fuck me.”
I fell asleep and awoke to a litany of emotional, chaotic messages from a clearly-drunk Gou (who shouldn’t be drinking) and a host of other signs that she’s backtracked and is back in panic mode.
Granted this isn’t traditional TIFU territory, but guys, I can’t help but feel as if I really fucked up by undoing the past several months of progress.
Back to square one…
courtoftheair: Is she doing DBT? That's what I'm starting now. You really need to be more sensitive to her triggers, though.
therapist_throwaway: I’m trying to get her to change shrinks and start a new DBT regimen. Why switch? Because this joker misdiagnosed her as bipolar and it only took a few days for me to put the pieces together to come up with a likely BPD diagnosis, which I then had her confirm from her guy. But I want her to change because he's proven himself to be incompetent.
This is happening in an East Asian country, by the way. East Asian culture tends to sweep mental illnesses under the rug, which is why psychological health care options are limited and the suicide rate is so high.
But yes, DBT is what I’m pushing for. If you don’t mind me asking, what are you doing DBT for?
The situation has deteriorated since I initially posted and I don’t even know if I want to continue fighting this battle. I’m going to give her another ultimatum — no drinking, must check in with me each night, constant talking through our problems — and she doesn’t comply, I’m going to have to walk away for the time being to protect myself from further emotional harm.
I'm mindful of her triggers — well, aside from the TIFU — but I'm not sure for how long I can keep this up. Thanks for commenting.
courtoftheair: I'm doing DBT for BPD and social anxiety disorder.
It's possible that she has both (I have bipolar disorder as well, aren't I lucky?) but I would agree that you made the right decision. Some doctors don't click and some shouldn't even be allowed to practise. Hopefully her new doctor will know what they're doing.
That's going to be hard on her, but you do need to look out for yourself. My BPD is fairly self-enclosed, but some people are poisonous. Consider getting her checked into hospital.
What you need to understand is that our emotions are in many ways stronger than other peoples. It's like being stabbed, and that's why some drink. Some Si. I'm not condoning her behaviour, but understand that it's really hard to just stop. That's why we use DBT instead.
If worse comes to worse, get out of the situation. I don't know how she presents, but she sounds like one of the we'll-crash-and-burn-together types and that isn't nice to have to live with.
therapist_throwaway: Thanks for your response and I really appreciate you taking the time to talk with me.
Aside from us being in two different places, the primary roadblock to effectively tackling this situation is that I can’t corral her thoughts. As she said herself, her thoughts are like tree branches sprawling in every direction, something that makes focusing on the dozens of different issues that we need to discuss — the drinking, the impulsive thinking, the cutting, the therapy, tips for being mindful, the potential for infidelity — very difficult.
And then we’ll discuss them, only for her to ignore what we discussed several days later. It’s maddening, but I am trying to be calm and there for her.
A few questions:
1.) Can you elaborate or give an example on BPD emotions being stronger than other peoples’?
2.) Why would she need to be hospitalized?
3.) What’s the best thing that I should say to make her feel confident that I’m trying to help and that I'm not going to leave her?
4.) How about the worst thing?
As an aside, I don’t think that she’s in love **with** me as much as she’s in love with **the** **idea** **of** **being** **in** **love**, as in, she loves me because I love her. Before our engagement disintegrated due to her infidelity, I didn’t think this way. But now, after the diagnosis, I have my doubts. She denies it, of course, and I'm not really sure what to think.
Thanks again for your time.
courtoftheair: I have a similar tree-like brain. Tree in a hurricane is how I describe it. I apologise if some of this doesn't make sense; new medication is messing me up.
In a normally functioning person, being broken up with hurts. In a person with BPD it feels like you're dying. Someone calls you a twat and you get a bit annoyed. We erupt with rage. Something good happens and you're happy. We're euphoric. Every feeling is intense. It's the difference between a slap and a kick in the balls. Yesterday my doctor merely mentioned the word 'bus' and I had an anxiety attack (SA, the BPD makes it more extreme). My brother spat on me as he was talking while I was eating and I had him by the throat.
If you have to end things with her for a while, she is potentially at risk of suicide and other behaviours.
It depends on the person. You really just have to ask her yourself. For me, constant reassurance that someone isn't leaving makes me worry that they're thinking about it. Maybe she will try harder if she thinks you're leaving (frantic attempts to avoid abandonment). Try not to lose your temper because she can react like lithium in water.
I know what you mean. Sometimes we get so scared that we latch on to the first person to show kindness. It's the splitting. You're an angel right now. Maybe she loves you, maybe she needs you. I don't know.
As far as infidelity is concerned, one possible cause was a feeling that you maybe didn't want her. Maybe she was feeling suicidal. Most BPD comes with severe depression, so that could be a reason. Not knowing her symptoms makes it hard to explain.
Don't try to stop her cutting and whatnot until DBT is in motion. We need something to help is cope and if its not SI, it's something else. Its like taking a coma patient off life support. You can't cure her, but you can be there for her. If she rejects all help, leave. You can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped.
Some of this might not apply, since I have other diagnoses mixed in, but I hope this helps.
therapist_throwaway: Cool, thanks for the insightful and sincere reply.
Gou just resurfaced about an hour ago via email and told me that she went out and ended up home with a bottle of rum, having "no idea" how she found it.
Here's how I responded (keeping within suggestions that I need to be firm and set boundaries):
> You’re walking a very, very thin line of how much I’m willing to tolerate.
> I’ll write more tomorrow in detail, but I am extremely unhappy and disappointed with you right now, particularly considering I’d spent much of yesterday and early this morning talking with people online about BPD — including my psychiatrist friend who is giving me free consultations and is willing to help you find a local therapist — and trying to devise a step forward before you do irrevocable harm to what remains of our relationship as well as yourself.
> I’d advise that you spend today in quiet contemplation about how you’d like to proceed and if you’re serious about your recovery and a possible future with me.
So what I'm going to do is draft a super-long email that lays out BPD in detail; why she needs help and how, with help, we can live a sustainable life... *together*. I'm naturally going to tell her that I'll be there every step of the way (and I will!) provided she follows my conditions, which are simple enough: No drinking, therapy session check-ins and total honesty without judging from me.
Thanks again for your insight! And let me know if you ever need someone to talk to.
courtoftheair: I feel like I need to mention that telling her you're disappointed in her will almost definitely trigger her (no impulse control isn't easy to fix and neither are the swings, telling her you're disappointed is reminding her how little control she has and make her feel awful for hurting you). The rest is good. I hope every thing goes well! That's okay, but if you need someone with experience to talk about BPD to, I'm here.
therapist_throwaway: Ah, okay.
I should give you some context to the 'disappointment' bit: We were talking last night (night where I am, morning where she is) and she abruptly ended our Skype discussion about getting a new therapist and other semi-serious issues in favor of going out to 'drink whiskey and hang out with my band friends' because she felt claustrophobic and wanted to get out of the house (she's unemployed and lives alone).
It wasn't dramatic or anything — I ended the conversation by telling her to be safe and not to drink too much, she said okay and the rest of the cordial pleasantries — but the more I thought about it, the more it seemed that her priorities weren't in place. The fact that she was out all night and didn't remember anything confirmed my suspicions that she's not stable enough yet to go out nor is she taking my suggestions/support seriously.
I won't mention being disappointed with her in the future. How should I voice my displeasure and be firm while still showing her that I care and that I love her? Should I end every conversation, talking or text, with a reassurance?
To be honest, I'm not sure how to make it known that while I support and love her, but I'm also not going to deal with her shit and boundaries need to be in place.
courtoftheair: 'I'm worried about you. You're scaring me. I'm upset that you did X.' Things like that.
'I don't know what you're going through, but if you talk to me you won't have to go through it completely alone.'
Just think to yourself 'how would I feel if I was told X when I was going through Y?' If she does something out if line, don't ignore it, but try to find out why. Did something happen that caused her to need to go out drinking? (That might not even be BPD related, a friend could've persuaded her or something). Is there someone she could call next time she feels like she needs to do it? Tell her how it makes you feel to see her like that (sad, concerned etc.) but not something that she may take personally (no 'you make me want to hurt someone, why do I bother, you're hopeless' type things. I'm not saying you would, but some people do).
Next time you try to talk like you did before she went drinking, make sure to ask how she feels. Talk of self injury can trigger someone to self injure because they're ashamed, for example. Try and find a positive to end on.
therapist_throwaway: > Tell her how it makes you feel to see her like that (sad, concerned etc.) but not something that she may take personally (no 'you make me want to hurt someone, why do I bother, you're hopeless' type things. I'm not saying you would, but some people do).
I understand completely. This is the path that I usually take: It's easy for anyone to deflect the advice given when people suggest that you *should* do this or that, but more difficult when they tell you how they themselves *feel* and how it affects them.
> Next time you try to talk like you did before she went drinking, make sure to ask how she feels. Talk of self injury can trigger someone to self injure because they're ashamed, for example. Try and find a positive to end on.
Gotcha. Thank you SO much for your insight and for your kind words. I'm forever indebted to you and I'm so appreciative.
| 11 | 10.181818 | |
1378148589 | 1378212217 | null | t5_2to41 | 257 | Menziesii: TIFU by sleeping naked
Last night was very muggy, and sleeping on the top floor of my house, my room was a sauna. So I figured it would help to open the window and sleep in the nude. Well this morning I wake up and things are sore and ichy around my nether regions. I look down and one labia is easily twice the size of the other and itches like a mother.
Now I've had problems with bug bites in my room before, even waking up to five on one hand (my window has a shoddy screen for what it's worth) but never have bugs been so eager to bite a chunk out of me that they crawl under my comforter.
Now I'm looking forward to an eight hour day of retail work, subtly scratching myself every thirty seconds.
TLDR: A bug went down on me last night.
SteelyEly: Gold Bond helps with itchiness.
Menziesii: Yeah but vulvas aren't supposed to he dry :/
SteelyEly: I've never been near one nor do I ever want to be. I think they should be dry.
rodion_kjd: Wat.
lacrimaeveneris: Going with gay guy.
| 6 | 42.833333 | |
1378153971 | 1378199487 | null | t5_2to41 | 228 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to be spiritually "awake" (NSFW)
I was off work and it was very late. All my roommates had gone to bed and it was just me up. I was reading a spiritual philosophy book by a guru named Ram Das and he was talking about peeling off the layers of consciousness and being truly naked. I finished reading this and decided to take a cold shower. I hopped in the shower and began pondering what this meant to be truly naked.
We are rarely naked in today’s world. The only time we are really in our natural form is when we are bathing or changing clothes. I got out of the shower and decided to walk into the living room and look at the stars for a short minute when I got the idea (thinking it would be good for mental health) to do it naked. I walked into the living room where it was very dark, and I was butt naked. I stood there for about a minute, hands on my hips, legs spread, pondering life, and the meaning of reality when a light turned on. No, sadly not a mental light, a real light…. "Oh my god".
There was a breathy gasp as my poor poor poor roommate flipped on the light for a late night trip to the bathroom where she found a naked man starring up at the sky in what had previously been total darkness. I don’t think I have ever been so embarrassed in my life. I threw a towel around my waist as fast as I could and immediately began apologizing but this was not before blurting out like a loony wide eyed, cult crazed follower “I'm so sorry! It was supposed to be like a spiritual experience!!!”
She used the restroom while I sat on the couch. My head in my hands more embarrassed then I have ever been in a long time. She walked out of the bathroom and again I began apologizing, she laughed and patted me on the shoulder saying that it was Ok but that hasn't made it any better.
To make things slightly more awkward she is 40, I am 20.
TLDR: Wear a towel.
[deleted]: dude if she has a problem with it, she is the uptight one. tell her to go read your book.
HorriBliss: Expecting your room-mate to be clothed in a communal room isn't exactly an outrageous demand.
[deleted]: dude, it was a joke.
HorriBliss: Oh.
Ha. Ha.
meantamrajean: Aren't jokes the best when the op of the joke has to explain it? Gets me every time.
| 6 | 38 | |
1378158735 | 1378179967 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU by drunkenly telling a guy about a girl i like.
He then proceeded to tell her. Almost instantly. I really like her, and i feel super bad. Maybe getting this off my chest will make me feel better.
tssguy123: Bro, it's not the end of the world. It's a good thing.
Wanna know why? Now you have two options:
talk to her and get closer/possibly friendzoned or forget about her
[deleted]: "Friendzoned"
Top beta
tssguy123: Getting friendzoned does NOT make you beta, it's staying in the friendzone and bitching about it that makes you beta. Some girls just want to be friends and you're a keyboard warrior if you say otherwise.
[deleted]: Saying that the friendzone even exists makes you beta. I've had girls I liked call me a good friend. I flat-out told them that that wouldn't cut it. Most of them dated me, a few don't talk to me now. I don't lose sleep over it.
Tl;dr girls are not some kind of vending machine you put friendship coins into until sex pops out.
tssguy123: The friendzone DOES exist, it's just not what people make it out to be.
Did I tell him to follow her around complimenting her and doting over her? No, I told him to get to know her and see where it goes.
> girls are not some kind of vending machine you put friendship coins into until sex pops out.
Agreed 100%.
Wanna know what the friendzone is? When a girl just wants to be friends. If it didn't exist then you would fuck every single girl you run into on the street.
[deleted]: There's not a specific "zone" for friends who are chicks.
That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard of.
| 7 | 2.285714 | |
1378161171 | 1378161724 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: Hide and seek sucks
This wasn't today, but a years ago back in Tunisia I loved to play a form of hide and seek. My cousins and I would hide in my grandpa's room and if he found us he would slap us in the face, because he hated us. So I decided to hide in his closet right across from his bed, behind all his clothes. He comes home and we here him come in the room and everybody laughed but me and blew their cover. They ran out immediately. I hid in the closet for awhile, until I fell asleep. When I woke up I remember why I was there and decided to creep out. It was already night time as I slowly crept the closet doors open and peeked my head out, that's when I heard the loudest shriek ever made. It turns out for some reason my aunt was in his bed taking a nap and was awoken by the creaking of the closet, she though I was some sort of hell-ish demon I guess and I freaked out and screamed a little too because I was scared of her scream.
Anyway, after I explained to her what happened she didn't believe me and thought I was out to scare her. She looks down on me because of how I scared her, and I hear she was a little traumatized. Everyone else thought I was a huge jerk. I am still the jerk of the family
staff_grappler22: Either hate is a really strong word to use here, or you have a really messed up family.
tsunami743: Hate is a strong word, I'll edit it.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1378172986 | 1378263490 | null | t5_2to41 | 661 | The_Uber_Dude: TIFU by Farting.
Today, my girlfriend and I were participating in sexual acts. During these sexual acts, I felt the need to fart, but held it in. When we were done, we layed in bed for a bit, and she went under the blanket to give me some head, as she was still horny. That's when it happened. Her head was inches from my butthole, and the excitement of the oral pleasure let it slip. It was the most fowl smelling fart ever. She didn't finish the blowjob.
JJB366: Good ol' Dutch oven
[deleted]: Lol, is that a thing? I'm Dutch but I haven't heard that one before!
JJB366: I don't know if its an Australian thing (I'm one) - but judging by the fact I'm actually getting upvotes its probably relevant in the US as well
SoloMarko: UK here, and Dutch ovens are done for fun...I've never done it tho...
JJB366: There was one time when a few mates and I got someone pretty good - it all built up underneath a blanket, then we wrapped them in it :D
Ceredirond: http://www.boxingscene.com/forums/showthread.php?p=13669446
JJB366: Manslaughter?! Bit over the top, its just an unfortunate accident
Ceredirond: It's also not real :P
JJB366: Doh! I feel stupid now :p
| 10 | 66.1 | |
1378174629 | 1378178618 | null | t5_2to41 | 141 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting a crazy woman steal my phone
I rode my bike to Rite Aid to buy some eye liner and hair dye. (I realize I sound like a thirteen year old in 2007, but it's the truth.) I got on line and there was an African American family in front of the counter, four kids and a mom. Behind them was a 60-something-year old white woman who got in line just a minute before me. The kids were taking their time picking out candy while the mom and 19 year old son were having a small argument.
After two minutes of waiting, the 60 year old woman starts getting impatient. She says things like, "We need to wrap this up, I don't have time to sit here while these brats misbehave." Just random, uncalled-for shit. The mother was nice at first and then starts standing up for herself. These people are yelling back and forth, the older woman threw some candy, and then starts pulling out the n-word. I was texting and she starts saying "someone needs to get the police here" and rips the phone out of my hands.
She keeps trying to figure out my iPhone while I'm asking for it back "so I can show her how." Meanwhile the family is walking out of the store, the situation was resolving itself but old lady was still fuming. She tells the 911 operator the address and then says "Someone needs to come get rid of these f-ing n-words" and hangs up to chase them into the parking lot. There were random threats about beating people with various soft drinks, but the family left and the old lady comes back inside to get her cigarettes.
I finally get my phone back after she tries to talk to me like, "can you believe some people" but I wasn't having that. I start riding my bike home and get a call from the 911 operator. This woman is FURIOUS. She starts yelling at me, "Is there even a problem at your location?! You can't just call and throw racial slurs at people." she just goes on and on. It took exactly 8:54 of call time to convince her I was not the one who said that. I guess "some crazy person took my phone to call 911, yelled the n-word, and walked away" isn't too believable.
TL;DR Hide yo cellphones.
sirbeast: > African American family
> 60-something-year old white woman
dat racism. it burns.
mjr861: I know but I needed to say it for context.
sirbeast: its a skin color - white black brown red yellow green purple whatever just fucking say it people
How do you know the family wasn't Canadian?
"African American" my fat candy ass....
chimera: Chiiiiiiiiill. I don't think you can say yellow/red without offending Asians/Native Americans anyway. I'd definitely look at you weird if you called me yellow.
sirbeast: in describing your ethnicity to a third party would you rather I used yellow, Asian, Far-Eastern or Oriental?
I would bet my black boss doesn't describe me as "Caucasian" to his buddies. I'm a white dude. period. get over y/ourselves already.
chimera: I knew you were white...you're being oversensitive. I would bet that black/African American people do not care which term you use. They care about treated rudely because they're black and crazy racists in drugstores yelling at their family for no reason.
Also I would think you were mental if you used "yellow." And racist and old-fashioned if you used "oriental." I mentioned that because white/black is used to describe people, but no one uses yellow/red.
sirbeast: > white/black is used to describe people
Nope. It's used to describe them by color/tint of their skin, which what everyone is oversensitive about. Even you.
chimera: Lol ok.
| 9 | 15.666667 | |
1378178825 | 1378204877 | null | t5_2to41 | 62 | yonoober: TIFU by slicing my hoof with a knife. TWICE.
Okay, okay, this wasn't exactly TODAY, it was more like a year ago.
For the record, I am 17 and about 6'2". This comes into play later.
Last year, around January, my dad had to go to Switzerland for a business meeting with his client. Not knowing anything about Switzerland, I asked him if he could get a Swiss Army knife. He obliged, and came back about a month later with himself, his bags, and a Swiss Army knife. He gives it to me, and I'm happy.
For a while, at least.
A few weeks later, I'm testing the thing out I front of my friend, showing him all the blades and stuff when I pull one out and it slices my hand. My hoof starts to bleed profusely, so I wash it, put some aftershave and some Neosporin on it, and leave it be. A few days later, I'm slicing a bagel in half when I cut too far and slice my hand open again.
But this time, I cut farther. Deeper. And just slightly off of the original gash.
Apparently, I cut a tendon in my pinky. Painful stuff. Had to go through surgery so that they could pull it back up to my pinky, and then I had to go through extensive rehabilitation to make sure that my pinky was moving properly and they didn't screw anything up in the surgery.
So yeah, AYAIFU.
EDIT: God dammit Josh.
In any case, no, I am not a horse man, and no, I am not the infamous "Mr. Ed". I am but a 17 year old man.
Also I fixed the autocorrect problem so none of that brony bullshit is going on.
rabidbot: The adventures of horse-man
yonoober: Haha, I swear my autocorrect is convinced that I'm a brony or something. Anybody turns into anypony, hand and foot turn into hoof, and person turns into pony.
LoverGirl1219: I'm just putting this out there but if you happen to be obssessed with my little pony and text people in "ponyspeak" then I'd buy that...
yonoober: Hell no. Never watched it in my life and I don't plan to.
MasterChief3624: -meanwhile, yonoober is firing up his favorite episode of My Little Pony for the twentieth time-
yonoober: Change my little pony to the office and you've got everything I did this summer.
| 7 | 8.857143 | |
1378178860 | 1378191198 | null | t5_2to41 | 51 | Pplude: TIFU by being a lazy shit.
So, I just had a wakeup call that I *may* have a little problem with procrastination.
So, I'm 20, hotshot, fast car, and late to something, going far too fast for the road conditions. And of course, I get pulled over and instantly start sweating. Amazingly, cop was cool, didn't decide to tow me, and just let me know that my registration was up by 18 days, gave me a cell phone violation, and let me on my way.
9 months pass. No registration. Driving home, not speeding (I at least learned *something*.) Pulled over. The cop had scanned my plates and noticed my registration expired. Car towed, $200 ticket, $100 impound, $100 registration fee. There goes my paycheck, and my pride.
TL;DR: Don't put shit off.
[deleted]: Just curious, what kind of car do you have?
Pplude: 2007 Subaru Impreza
[deleted]: Very nice. Hope you get it back soon.
Pplude: Tomorrow morning. Got a good friend taking the day off to help out. I owe them a 6 pack.
| 5 | 10.2 | |
1378184297 | 1379421272 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | aspookyghost: TIFU by leavin' the torlet seat DOWN.
When you're raised with a lady in the house you gotta remember to put the toilet seat down. When you're raised with FIFTEEN ladies let me tell you it's a way of life. They do not forgive, you do *not* forget. But I wish I could forget the toilet rules or my dumb ass would be singin' a different tune.
Came home tonight, two sheets to the wind, two fingers in the air, and a big ol' gut ready to burst with the worst stinkin' bellysludge this side of the Missississippi. Sat on down. Did the business. Only this time the business did me. Shit splatterin' off the toilet seat cover, rollin' down my legs. I assessed the damage. A good wipe down and a shower and I'd be all good. If only. As these things tend to happen, my second ass starts spewin' white shit all over the tile floor. And well, you can guess where it went from there. Today I Fucked It All Up.
Rustygurl: ..I'm female and put the seat UP when I'm done! If I don't want them to piss on it, I can get it out of their way.
k12314: THANK YOU. You have no idea how much I hate it when my gut's about to burst, I let it all out, and next thing you know the seat's got a new paintjob.
Rustygurl: Haha I can imagine! Growing up in a house full of guys and working in an all male industry with shared toilets, it only makes sense that I put it up.
Especially when I will probably have to clean the resulting mess if the guys don't notice!!
k12314: Oh, you have no clue. My mom is an utter nut about it, and many a times have I pissed on the seat due to a horrendous amount of urine built up by intense gaming sessions clouding my mind to the point of not putting the seat up.
Rustygurl: Haha my partner is a gamer so I can totally relate to that! I couldn't imagine me putting it down and him needing to go after a session.
k12314: You know what? I like you. Platonically. All friend-like and shit.
(No sarcasm. Seriously.)
Rustygurl: That's cause I'm awesome ;) Hey, this world needs a little more common sense and I like to think I am helping that. Friend.
k12314: Finally, someone else in my boat. Being from my generation (I'm 16, gonna be 17 here soon. Damn you November birthday.) is really damn hard, because I'm surrounded by idiots. I'm not some genius, but at least I'm not a #yoloswag wannabe "gangsta" like lots of other kids.
Rustygurl: I'm only 24 and look at "kids" these days and think WTF went wrong in the few years between me and them?
k12314: Glad somebody else shares that sentiment. God what the hell happened to kids my age. Did I miss a fucking memo or something?
| 11 | 2.272727 | |
1378182545 | 1378209886 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | SOwED: TIFU by insinuating I was about to sexually assault a girl.
From last Friday, but whatever: I was out walking along the cliffs near my college campus with a friend of mine, and he broke out this very small pipe (maybe three inches) to smoke some weed. I don't smoke often, but I had nothing to do, so I took a few hits.
The damn pipe shot ash in your mouth every time you took a hit, so I backed off of it after I realized it wasn't just a fluke. We got back to the college town where I live and it was about 10 PM. As we're walking to my friend's house on the main party street, I notice a girl walking alone a little ways ahead of us. I mention to my friend how sometimes seeing girls alone in this town at night makes me a little worried that something might happen to them. I was high, and just then I remembered that my tongue tasted ashy still, so I set about fixing that. The girl had heard what I said, as my high estimate of the distance between us was quite poorly done, and thinking about it now, she was probably fifteen feet ahead. She uncomfortably turned around and looked at me, and just then, I stuck my tongue out as far as I could and used my fingers to scrape the ash off of it. Didn't seem that weird to me at the time, but then I put the pieces together the next day when I was sober.
How I imagine it from her perspective:
Walking home alone one night when some creepy guy makes some comment about how girls walking alone should be careful...*something might happen*. Checked to see wtf that was about and the creep has his tongue out and is rubbing it. Sped up quite a bit at that point.
TL;DR: Said that *things* could happen to girls walking alone well within earshot of a girl. She turned to look at me and she saw me, tongue out, with my fingers all over it.
new_accountname: Random guess, but IV/UCSB?
SOwED: THEY KNOW TOO MUCH!
scarsremain: new_accountname is the girl!
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1378185709 | 1378324939 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting my fingers broken by a laptop case
Ok little info, so my school has laptops they give to everybody(paperless school) and we have to have a case on the laptop at all times or else punishment. Well they have two rings, don't know what they are for, on the bottom of the case
Well after staying up to put some finishing touches on a project I was tired needless to say, so the next day I was out of it, and by the end I was about given out, so to stay awake I was twiddling my fingers while my history teacher gave us a lecture. Sometime during the lecture and twiddling, I stuck my fingers in those two rings, and the teacher said okay pull out you computers I'm going to send you some classwork, and pull my hand back to unzip the laptop case to realize my fingers are stuck. Well after a little while trying desperately to pull my fingers out, after seeing my struggle at the corner of here eye, my teacher thinks I'm goofing off and calls on me to answer the next question in the classwork. So I try to tell her about it , but she doesn't want to hear excuses, and to stand up and answer the question.
Stand up, everyone with a dumbfounded look on their face, why do I have my fingers stuck in the laptop case, tell everybody what happened. Well they all laughed at my misfortune. So then everybody tries to help pull it off, but it is stuck tighter than than metal magnets inside a guy's dick, Finally after 3 people pulling on it at once it came off, but not without a consequence.
Apparently the good lord didn't want me to have a good day because as they twisted and pulled it off I felt a snap as one finger snap and the other one sprained, so yeah can't use those fingers for a while.
TL:DR Don't twiddle your fingers in tight holes
SoyPopo: 'TL:DR Don't twiddle your fingers in tight holes'
You sly bastard
ErnestGoesARedditing: Gotta put an innuendo in there some where
BearBak: The tldr is the best place to put it.
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1378194389 | 1378262093 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,692 | [deleted]: TIFU by having my mom find my vibrator.
We were moving my bed and I forgot I had shoved my vibrator in between my mattress and box spring one lazy night.. When we flipped the mattress off there was a bright purple vibrator just screaming at us. My mom was silent and looked at me and could only mutter "u-m--umm.......". My face turned bright red and i ran out of the room laughing. I've never felt more uncomfortable in my life. Ugh..
**EDIT**
F--k and I just realized I posted this on my boyfriends account. Great.
zee5229: Your boyfriend gives you access to his reddit account, shit must be serious. That's basically trusting someone with all your deepest, darkest secrets.
kumpel04: /r/spacedicks ?
dabockster: That's staying blue.
Dr_Insomnia: Purple is for the curious.
CuntSnatcheroo: Curiosity 1
Cuntsnatcheroo: 0
WHY CAN'T THIS BE UNSEEN
Sureiyaa: Sheesh. It's not even that bad.
Executive_divergence: Just don't go to /r/gonewidl. Trust me.
dbburgess98: Curiosity landed, it was disturbed.
Executive_divergence: I told you to not go there!
dbburgess98: Just don't... /r/clopclop
Executive_divergence: /r/spaceclop
| 12 | 141 | |
1378192684 | 1378232777 | null | t5_2to41 | 37 | [deleted]: TIFU by doing a Google search at midnight.
Was talking with a friend, when she made reference to when a horse snorts (apparently called "[the blow](http://www.sportpolo.com/polo_pony/Sounds.htm)")
After finding out what it was called, I decided to do a google search to find a clip to send to her (don't ask me why, seemed like a good idea at the time.)
So I clicked on the search bar and typed in "horse blow"
...
**TL;DR** Tonight I discovered people have a lot of interest in horse bjs
maczirarg: Go to /r/spacedicks for a while, you'll become immune to that kind of stuff.
BBoxall: You monster, hes still good! Don't ruin him too!
[deleted]: No... It must be done...
[deleted]: Been there. Noped the fuck out in 3 seconds..
[deleted]: Apparently it was set up
| 6 | 6.166667 | |
1378207985 | 1378282246 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | get_me_another_beer: TIFU by telling off my coworker.
This girl and I started temping at the same time about 6 months ago. Temp-to-perm positions, above average pay, good people working in our dept... yet this girl always had something to complain about. She struggled through training and always blamed her shortcomings on other people. After 3 months a spot opened up and my supervisor approached me for it, telling me my performance was excellent and he could see me getting promoted to higher depts within a year. So once this girl finds out I got hired she starts making snide comments about how unfair it was that she's still a temp and how the company is screwing her over. But still, I kept my mouth shut. This past week she was offered an open spot because someone got promoted. Not because her work performance is good, but because they need bodies to fill the spots since our busiest time of year is coming up. She accepts it... and then immediately starts complaining that she needs to wait 3 weeks for orientation. I got fed up this past Friday and said (at 4:30 when no one was around), "why are you always complaining? First it was that you were a temp and (staffing group) was taking a cut of your pay. Then it was because you're busy at your job and the time flies by. Now you're complaining about actually getting hired? We got this job within a week of signing up with the staffing group. It's easy, we work with great people, and you do nothing but complain about every aspect of it."
Now i have to have a meeting with her and my boss because she "felt harassed" by what I said.
TL, DR; my incompetent coworker does nothing but bitch and I got fed up.
Edit: For once in my life talking back didn't get me in trouble! I used what little office political skills I have and told my boss her negative comments and attitude were creating an unpleasant work environment. Boss man then asked me to leave his office, and I went back to work. The girl came back to her desk about 15 minutes later and has been quiet as a mouse since, but I did overhear her telling her husband on the phone in the bathroom that "everyone has been complaining about her."
texas_pride: Tell the boss exactly what you said in your post. I would argue that she created a harrassive work environment through her complaints. If she felt she was treated wrongly, she should have gone to HR instead of disrupting the morale in the work envionment.
get_me_another_beer: That's the route I'm going with. As it turns out I wasn't the only one complaining about her, so I may be off the hook. We'll see!
bigwag91: surely you will update us on the results of the meeting, won't you?
get_me_another_beer: Meeting is at 9am Wednesday. I'll check back as soon as I can!
SoyPopo: Damn straight you fucking will! Good luck to you though!
| 6 | 4.333333 | |
1378196590 | 1378218540 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | BigPinkOne: TIFU by trying to light a cigarette
I was at a party out at a friend's house. Decent sized event; bonfire, beer pong, barbecue, heavy drinking; the type of thing I'd typically avoid like the plague but a buddy of mine and his girlfriend really want to go so I do.
I only knew the friend and the couple that I rode with, and I'm designated driver, so naturally I'm bored as shit and not talking to anyone. I begin to pretty much chain-smoke, as I am wont to do in situations of extreme boredom The male of the couple has had a couple of mixed drinks so he's a wee bit toasted and we get to chitty chatting.
I pull out another cigarette to light. He asks for one, which I obligingly give to him. He then gets a brilliant idea. He dares me to try and light my cigarette in the campfire. Remember at this point, that I am completely sober and my friend is the drunk one.
I figure it'll add some excitement to this party if I give it a shot, so I pop the cigarette into my mouth and begin to bend over the fire. I lean in closer and closer inching my way towards it, until at the last second I remember that my hair is longer than I usually keep it. I flinch back and pull my hair back and begin to lean in once more.
As I finally get close enough to the fire to light my cigarette, a plume of fire bursts up and catches me right in the face. Out of panic, I let go of my hair which drops into the fire and catches along with my now burnt eyebrows and eyelashes. I stand straight up realizing I'm on fire. All those years of schools teaching you "Stop, Drop and Roll" are nice, but they don't really do shit for you when you're actually on fire.
I take off running, thinking maybe if I run fast enough it'll blow the fire out... It doesn't. I finally catch eye of a small kiddie pool that my friend has set up and throw myself into it face first. The fire is now out. Worst part of all, my face caught but my cigarette didn't so I didn't even succeed in the dare. We left the party shortly thereafter
tl;dr: I lit my face on fire trying to light a cigarette in a campfire and put it out in a kiddy pool.
Sykotron: Longhairs have no business near fire without it properly restrained
BigPinkOne: Hindsight is definitely 20/20 on that fact.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1378190069 | 1378340778 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | at3whee: TIFU by showing the /r/spacedicks banner on the TV in the living room.
So today was my birthday and I had some friends over to celebrate. Well, we had the LoL LCS stream on the big tv in the living room and were watching when my mom said to turn off the tv and come eat. Well, a friend of mine thought it would be funny to make the spacedicks banner my background but didn't know it would project to the tv as well.
Close Firefox
Dick being severed from pelvis
Adults gasp in horror
ohfuckwhathaveidone.jpg
koenm: You fucked up by leaving your laptop unattended so your immature friends could fuck with it. Which normally shouldn't be a problem, but hey. That's some vile shit by your friends btw.
at3whee: Of course. I found it all quite humorous so no harm done. Other than some shocked middle aged women.
| 3 | 11 | |
1378220488 | 1378246509 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by not tipping the dominoes pizza guy because I thought the delivery fee was the tip.
Theres 2 dominoes pizza near me. One I always order from that has no delivery fee and i tip the driver about 20 pct. TodayI couldnt order from that one because the phonecall wouldnt go through. So i ordered from the other one and it had a $2.00 delivery fee. I felt it was odd and i questioned the lady on the phone about it and i said "why is there a delivery fee the other dominoes doesnt have this? so if theres a delivery fee does this mean i have to tip the driver or does the fee cover his tip" she told me i dont have to tip him because the delivery charge covers the tip. The bill comes to 15.25. I didnt have a 5 dollar bill so i gave teh pizza delivery guy 20.25. I ask for change and he saids "how much do you want back" i said i wanted $5 .He saids "so i guess i get nothing" and threw the change back at me. im like "the lady on the phone saids the delivery fee is the tip" he toldme it wasnt true and left in a fit of rage. Im never ordering there again.
Wodge: Tips are crap, it's just an excuse for companies to pay their staff poorly.
tokewithnick: Yeah, I worked at a restaurant and would get paid $4 per hour in fucking Florida. So if the tips weren't good I'd be taking a 125 dollar check at the end of the month... what the fuck...
CandidCallie: That is illegal. If you do not make enough in tips along with the low hourly wage to equal the federal minimum wage, your employer is supposed to make up the difference. [This is Federal law. File is in pdf format. *If an employee's tips combined with the employer's direct wages of at least $2.13 an hour do not equal the minimum hourly wage of $7.25 per hour effective July 24, 2009; the employer must make up the difference.*](https://www.osha.gov/pls/epub/wageindex.download?p_file=F22326/Fact%20Sheet%2015.pdf)
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1378224519 | 1378284729 | null | t5_2to41 | 38 | FoolsPower: TIFU by quitting my job in the heat of the moment
I'm glad I left, in one way, but I didn't exactly plan for it to happen, so now it's back to scrimping for a while till I get a new one. My boss is a bitch and I hate her for pushing me that far. Wish I kept my cool, but this shit had been going on for too long. Job would've been amazing if she wasn't there.
cptnfan: I feel for you and can relate. Recently quit my job that I badly needed because of a recently transferred employee coming to our building as a new sub leader. Between his power trips one minute and complete unprofessionalism and harassment the next, I couldn't deal with it any longer. The stress/anxiety was causing me to lose sleep, wondering what the next day might bring. I just started as a temp, so I tried to just suck it up and not make waves for myself. I knew that if I complained, I would look bad and probably make the situation worse. We are not suppose to hate others, I know, and I don't hate him. I fucking despise him. I hope he gets what's coming to him. You just don't screw with someones livelihood like that.
oneilldom: as they say, 'people don't quit their jobs, they quit their bosses'.
cptnfan: Yes, that's often true. And coworkers can be the culprits as well, but usually they are so far up the bosses bum, it's like fighting an entire troop. Do I sound bitter? lol
oneilldom: Haha probably but I know exactly where you're coming from, I found in my last job that everyone was so desperate to fit in/make friends/not get fired that there was an overwhelming need to conform to how everyone else acts, so if everyone acts like they love your boss despite them being a tosser then you pretty much have to aswell or you get marginalised
cptnfan: I know. Or the opposite. You could have a great boss, but one who lays down the law as needed. But if the flock all choose to oppose authority for no other reason but because they can, and you choose to respect them because you value their attempt at being fair and professional, you ultimately become a "brown noser" It's unfortunate that in order to work outside the home, you almost need a degree in politics.
younggun907: Fucking ay's at the last of your comment about politics. I had this cocksucker co-worker who kept track of when I came in, when I left and shit like that and sent an email to my boss while she was on vacation. Saying I was lying on my timesheets when he was the one lying. My boss had a meeting with me and blindsided me with this information. I didn't get into trouble because luckily I have knowledge of politics and maintained a professional matter. Holy fuck the feeling when I walked back into my office. I could have went off on him, beat the fuck out him. But I'm bigger than that. I hope. Maybe I was too easy on him. I played it as if I didn't know he reported me. Sorry for the rant.
| 7 | 5.428571 | |
1378221936 | 1378401714 | null | t5_2to41 | 911 | RevenantCommunity: TIFU by teasing my GF
I'll start by saying that my girlfriend's family are very old fashioned and conservative christians- they don't want her to do anything intimate before marriage, exceptionally strict, etc. She hasn't chosen that path.
Anyway; at her place, we tone down on the intimate stuff because her family doesn't let her lock her doors etc. They're horrific with it, privacy is nonexistent. Today I was enjoying teasing her by pulling her shorts' crotch (short shorts) and underwear with my hand and licking her exposed 'part' for a little bit before letting her pants go and returning to what I was doing. Eventually, we heard her mother coming so I let it go back and went back to what I was doing. Her mother's face was really shocked for some reason- had no idea why. Then realised my SO's pants and underwear were all bunched up and wedged firmly between her labia. The clothing may as well have not been there.
I'm sitting in here alone as they scream at each other, seems her mother caught on pretty much instantly. I definitely fucked up- needed to share.
itsjh: I don't know how old you are, and I'm not sure whether being an adult or a teenager in this situation would be worse.
[deleted]: Teenager, definitely teenager.
source: happened to me in similar fashion
[deleted]: Story time?
[deleted]: Gather round kiddies!
9th grade, had one of the hot rocker girls as my girlfriend, amazing with her mouth. At her house where theres a completely separate complex the parents were watching the superbowl in. Well, me and said girlfriend are alone on the other side of the house having a good ole time (a little young but hey..) Hickies are all over each other guys, neck and under the jaw yada yada. Well she decides im doing good enough to reciever some good sucky sucky. It.was.great!!!
Daddy walks in just as she's about to finish me off. Precum all over her lips and hands..... Had a stern talk with me that I wont soon forget. He was cool about it after though and went back to his superbowl game. But still...
[deleted]: Wow!
[deleted]: Satisfied?
RambleLZOn: Were you?
[deleted]: no
exoxe: You my boy blue..........balls!
[deleted]: Worst case I've ever had.
| 11 | 82.818182 | |
1378058315 | 1378469519 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | Proballer: TIFU by walking in on my girlfriend shitting all over the floor
To clarify,this didnt happen to me.But my best friend,im breaking my vow of silence because it is just too damn funny.
So I'm woken up by a loud moaning sound in the middle of the night and my girlfriend calling my name from the bathroom. I walked to the bathroom and almost immediately greeted by a smell that could only be described as a mixture of shit and vomit. It turns out my girlfriend had gotten sick in the middle of the night,vomited into the toilet and covered our small bathroom,wall to wall,in her diarrhea. My main stays rug was completely ruined,a shitty end to a shitty rug, and I stepped into the poo-puddle because i didnt have my glasses on. I went,grabbed a mop and bucket and threw it in there. Told her to take the rug out to the dumpster and get to work. I didnt want any part of this,it was the most horrible thing ive ever seen. She didnt even get her pants all the way down,she just got on the floor,bent over to puke and started shitting everywhere.
So i went back to bed,layed down and realized something
SHE COULDVE EASILY JUST THROWN UP IN THE SINK AND SHIT IN THE TOILET.
WHY.
budsey12: That's awful. Poor girl, should've helped her out. Same thing actually happened to me when I was a kid.
Goldylocks3: Same thing happened to me about 2 months ago... Told my partner to stay away so he didn't see/hear/get sick from what was happening.. I feel for this poor girl..
| 3 | 2 | |
1378223603 | 1378254823 | null | t5_2to41 | 42 | dcsnowpatrol: TIFU (NSFW): Went to New Orleans got smashed, picked up by a woman and subsequently robbed.
Dear Redditors,
The events that transpired took place on Sunday morning but it has taken me this long to deal with the repercussions of said fuck ups. Today I break the norm and put the TL;DR first.
TL;DR: Got wasted in New Orleans, picked up by a woman who the police say was probably a hooker oh and, by the way, might also have been a man (Fucking Gross- No offense to those that swing that way just my own preference) and then got robbed for my trouble.
I struggle with how to tell about how the events transpired. Should I post my original TIFU which is scrawled on the tear stained inside cover of the book that I was reading in the airport when I decided I should post this in TIFU? I promise you Dear redditors that know matter how I tell this it will be worth the read. I consider this punishment for my many many poor choices. I will hold nothing back and tell you every sordid detail. I should ask is there interest in hearing how this all unfolded?
EDIT:
Saturday night after a beautiful out door wedding ceremony we took the party bus to dinner where I consumed two #9's. I don't know what's in them but they were but they were pretty strong. After dinner we went back to the hotel to change into bar hopping attire where we met up with the wedding party and had shots. From there we bar hopped along Bourbon Street. Around 3AM I noticed my friend had disappeared so I figured I needed to kill a couple of more hours so my friend could have some privacy...
I left The Beach (Fuck up number 1 ditching friends) and started heading toward Canal St. I'm feeling great smiling at people loving the party atmosphere. When this woman sidles up to me and starts chatting me up. I'm like neat, two nights in a row a woman has chatted me up. (I read the game and follow Seddit and I'm thinking this shit is really working). So she asks me if I want to grab a drink. I let her know that I don't buy drinks for woman its against policy. She's like its cool she can buy her own drinks. (This makes me think its legit.) So we have a couple of drinks and she's like there is a more private less loud bar around the corner where we can hear each other a bit better. As soon as we starting heading away from Bourbon street (Fuck up number 2) alarms start going off in my head (Ignoring alarm bells fuck up #3). So I look at her and ask "Are you going to kill me?" She starts laughing and puts me at ease. We head on. At The Back Space bar we have a couple of more drinks (This time I broke my rule and paid....). We are having a great conversation and I'm killing time so win win. She says we should go to another bar where it where its a little more private.
So we move up the street The Harem (Fuck up #4 - Yes these are the real names) and I think it says Harlem because I asked her about it. Any way this joint looks shady as hell. She's says it's fine and she starts having a conversation with the Bar tender and I walk over and she tells me to go sit and she'll be over in a minute (I'm thinking this is strange but I'm wierdly disconnected from everything going on at this point - Fuck up #5). There is this really fit woman wearing something lacy with a weird white eye at the end of the bar and I'm thinking she looks scary and manish at the same. Any way she comes back over and we have a couple of more drinks. She says she's horny and she wants to fool around (I'm like sweet I'm going to score two nights in a row and have to FR's for seddit I'm the fucking man). She then says we can't go back to her hotel because her family is staying there and I'm like well bummer and good night because I got my friend sacked out in the room. She says we can go and hook up in the hotel bath room (I'm not sure why this sounded like a good idea to me at the time (Fuck up #???Shit I lost count). So we head back to the hotel. Then she says we can't do it in the lobby bathroom we need to hit the bathroom in our room. Edit:
I'm pretty hesitant about this but she cajoles me into going (Fuck Up). My friends in the room passed out so we get in the bathroom and she says we should both wipe off since we been out and about for a bit. This sounds reasonable. So she wipes herself off and then wipes me off and starts blowing me (I'm standing in front of the door). Its ok but not the best I've ever had. She says she wants to fuck now and get a condom. I grab the condom and put it on and she flicks the light off (Fuck up) and bends over the counter and hikes her skirt up. The worst most rancid smell hits my nose, its like a fucking rotting corpse its so bad. My dick starts withering. I'm flashing to a scene in Trainspotting or the follow up Porno where Spud is fucking this drunk chick who had a dried turd in her panties and then I'm thinking how am I going to extricate myself from this situation when she grabs my junk and shoves it in. I can't keep it up and she's asking me if her pussy aint good enough so I go to flick on the lights and she flicks them back off and spins be around and sits me on the toilet. She pulls the condom off and starts blowing me again. She asks if I have another condom and I don't. She says she going to run to the vending machine and grab another condom and she'll be right back. Out she goes (Fuck up). I'm sitting on the can reflecting on all this mighty relieved she's gone and it will be easier to extricate myself now that she isn't in the room. So I'm sitting there thinking about how fucked up this has been. I must have sat there for two minutes or When I get up and get dressed. I'm like wait something is wrong here. My pants aren't the right weight. So I search my pockets and no Galaxy G4. Fuck where the hell is my phone. I search the bathroom, it isn't there. Fuck she stole my fucking phone.
I run down stairs. Way too late. She's long gone. So I head straight to the lobby to use the phone and call the phone company to have my phone disabled. Once that's done I head to the business center to change all the passwords linked to the products on my phone. I hit the bank up first. As soon as I log in I see two withdrawals within the last 10 minutes totaling $600 (My daily Limit). I call the bank and then call the police.
EDIT:
The police show up while I'm still in the business center resetting passwords. Of course they send two female officers and I'm like fuck now I got to tell these two woman what an asshole I am. So I tell them the story. I am completely honest about it and leave nothing out. Then they accuse me of hiring a prostitute. I'm completely flabbergasted. I did not offer any money nor did she ask for any money. Then they ask me it was a man. I said no but then she asked about the penetration again and when I said it was from behind they were like it was probably a dude. Now I'm totally disgusted, demoralized and shamed. The one officer said my wife should divorce me and I'm like I'm already fucking divorced and WTF I'm the victim here. She continued to berate me. Telling me she can't believe I did that when my friend was in the room and I totally put them at risk and on an on for like 10 minutes. Admittedly I deserve it but at the time it was just too soon. She then reiterated that it was probably a dude because I never saw her VJJ and did it from behind. Totally demoralized. So all in all she* stole my phone, $600 , my dignity, pride, self respect and a piece of my soul.
tokewithnick: YES! please, with details. Also, this happens more often than you think especially to tourists.
dcsnowpatrol: Yes I would fall into this category. I will post the story about 7PM EST.
Mooksayshigh: It's 730 jerk.
dcsnowpatrol: I know my bad. Had PT conference I didn't know about. Posting now.
| 5 | 8.4 | |
1378235055 | 1378410884 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | Carlito1107: TIFU by Spilling Koolaid on my laptop
Ok, so this is how I got rid of all computers in my home. We lost our desktop computer to a virus my little bro gave it by trying to get Minecrft for free.
After that we had only a laptop to use as a computer. I had been on the laptop, watching YouTube videos, when I decided I should make a Vine of me eating a pancake with a spoon. I know, dumbass idea.
I went to grab my phone, and bumped my cup full of Koolaid all over the keyboard of the laptop. I panicked and try to clean up the mess with napkins, which partially worked. Under later inspection, there is a protector in the keyboard, so we believe it may be the battery.
TL;DR : I spilled Koolaid on my laptop, it doesn't work, and we don't know what to replace in it. If anyone knows a good place toget a laptop for a low price, please leave a comment
jacobstamand: Do you still have the desktop? You can just completely reformat the hard drive and re-install windows (or whatever operating system you used).
Carlito1107: We sent it to Best Buy and they actually tried that, and it didn't work. The virus messed up our computer. We couldn't open anything on the desktop
TiberiusX2: Best buy us retarded NEVER go to them... seriously, get a windows 7 disk and boot to it from the bios, reinstall, worst case scenario you need to get anew hard drive. $50 tops
Carlito1107: Ok I will share this information with my family. Thank you for the advice
| 5 | 1 | |
1378231665 | 1378249432 | null | t5_2to41 | 729 | ProBread: TIFU with a girl by turning 4chan into real life
Ok so just got out of class. For the past few classes this 8/10 has sat across the lecture hall from me. I was reading a post on r/4chan, link below, when all of a sudden I realized she sat next to me today. I’m reading this post about anon fucking up with a girl when she comments about him playing pokemon. Out of no where the girl said, “ah i love 4chan” Did not know how to react and kept reading only to burst out laughing at the post but she thought it was at her, told me if i didn’t want her to sit next to me i could have said so and walked to the other side of the class.
In the end I know this isn’t crazy but I feel like such a dumbass.
r/4chan post: http://i.imgur.com/o3HE8ZK.png
TL;DR Hot girl approached, didn’t know if real life, just read exact scenario on 4chan and ended up pretty much reenacting it
**UPDATE** Got to class, sat down a bit nervously but much to my surprise a second later she sat next to me again. After a bit of silence, we start talking about 4chan, random class happenings, and the campus of which I took as the opportunity to apologize for the last class and ask if I could buy her coffee to make up for it. Plus I added in so that we could talk more since I couldnt stay around after class. With out hesitation she said yes. Was actually caught off guard, in a good way this time, by how smoothly it went. Thankyou MarbledNightmare, BearBak, shdfkhskfefe, and everyone else for the advice!
MarbledNightmare: After the next class go up to her and say this: "Hey, sorry about being rude the other day, I didn't mean to brush you off when you were being friendly, I was just zoning out a bit. Before I knew what happened, you were gone. Can I make up for it by buying you coffee?" Then, over coffee, ask her about her experience with 4chan, go from there.
It's literally as easy as that, especially in college
ProBread: Damn. Thank youuu, most likely going to go in word for word. Will update thursday if it goes well
MarbledNightmare: Plagiarize away my man. Shit, write it down and hand it to her if you get nervous and need a hail mary plan b, and just say "here, i'm nervous". She may reject you, or find it cute, or not care at all because college. At the point of needing notes grade-school style, you still have a small percentage of success rather than zero. Stick with talking as your primary plan though.
BearBak: Naw don't try to memorize word for word. That always sounds forced. Remember the general idea and then ad lib it from there.
MarbledNightmare: Generally I agree, but ad libbing is hard if you're an awkward fuck like I was, and how OP seems to describe himself. To the uninitiated who haven't developed the ad lib wit, just blurting out what needs to be said is good enough most times, especially in this case when the girl already tried making the move and was disappointed at the response; if nothing else, it'll be one step towards comfort for OP.
| 6 | 121.5 | |
1378239476 | 1378242627 | null | t5_2to41 | 131 | bruce-willis-diehard: TIFU by forgetting my phone was not on mute.
I'm taking a very expensive online training course for free that focuses on communicating effectively, come out of your shell, and all the jazz.
i thought the first session went great and i was super enthusiastic.
its done via phone/online messaging and everyone was saying their goodbyes and i forgot my phone was not muted when my boss comes in and asked me if it was good
and i reply with "FUCK YEAH, I'm feeling better even after only 3 hours of this shit!"
and everyone heard it including the instructor who was apparently speechless.
whoops. im just not even going to say anything
oneilldom: Well at least you didn't say "FUCK NO, why the fuck am i even doing this shit?!" I mean it was kind of a compliment really, though the last word could mean it's interpreted differently
bruce-willis-diehard: true, but it sucks that people have a chance of not taking me seriously throughout the course.
oneilldom: haha maybe, or maybe they'll think you're hilarious?
bruce-willis-diehard: Well I certainly communicated effectively
| 5 | 26.2 | |
1378247833 | 1378328524 | null | t5_2to41 | 98 | throwawayhorseporn: TIFU by putting a highlighter in my asshole
I'm a junior in high school, at the end of the day I was getting super horny and for some reason I thought it would be a good idea to use a highlighter as a dildo. As soon as the bell rang I went into the bathroom and shoved it in capsize up. I quickly jacked off in about 45 seconds and as I was trying to pull the high lighter out my asshole started to hurt. I tried to slowly pull it out but that didn't help. I thought maybe it was stuck on my ass hairs but It wasn't. After 5 mintues of pain I finally realized the end of the cap had punctured the skin inside my rectum, I slowly pushed it back, turned it, then took it out.
The highlighter was covered in blood and shit. I put it in the toliet flushed and quickly left. My asshole continued to hurt as I walked to the bus stop. I got on the bus and every time it hit a bump it felt like I was getting fisted by satan.
Finally I got home and I went to bed, after about five mintues I had to take a shit. It Hurt even worse than when the highlighter was stuck. I began to quickly wipe and saw the toliet paper was covered in blood. I continued to wipe until the blood was gone and went back to bed.
trashlikeyourmom: Do a lot of guys put stuff in their butts when they jerk off? Serious question, I don't know.
because-racecar: I've never done it. Never had the desire to do it.
Then again I'm straight.
I suppose a lot of gay men like it.
trashlikeyourmom: I didn't even consider that OP might be gay.
I'd just never heard of anyone male/female, gay or straight, sticking stuff in their butts during masturbation.
GodComplexGuy: >I'd just never heard of anyone male/female, gay or straight, sticking stuff in their butts during masturbation.
Seriously? Anal sex? Double penetration? No?
trashlikeyourmom: "DURING MASTURBATION"
GodComplexGuy: My point remains perfectly valid. Some women use dildo or buttplugs in one hole while tinkering with another, so do some male while masturbating.
trashlikeyourmom: TIL people put stuff in their butts even when they're by themselves. I honestly had no idea.
GodComplexGuy: Well, now you know!
| 9 | 10.888889 | |
1378237515 | 1378330215 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | MustardSock: TIFU by missing my girlfriend's birthday dinner
So this week is the second week of classes at my university and I just found out I have a class that meets Thursday nights AND Tuesday nights, smack dab in the middle of my girlfriend's birthday dinner at her favorite restaurant.
She was planning on going with her whole family and they invited me, and it's the first birthday dinner I was going to have with her. I opened my class schedule to see what time my afternoon class was today, and saw another class scheduled for later today and realized one of my classes (which didn't meet last week because we started on a Wednesday) meets today.
I called her and apologized, and she was clearly upset. She told me it wasn't my fault and that the dinner was going to happen at that time regardless of whether I had said I was going or not, but the cheery, happy mood she had just 20 minutes ago vanished and she sounded depressed. I feel terrible.
barnacledoor: Do they have mandatory attendance in your class where they check who is there and reduce your grade if you miss it? Can you just read up in the book on your own and talk to someone in class? Maybe talk to the professor and explain the situation, but be vague. Explain you have a commitment that you can't miss and find out if there is a way you can get the class notes. Hell, I had a class when I was in school that had mandatory attendance. Each missed class was a half grade lower and missing 3 or more was immediate failure and I was going to fly to Las Vegas and miss the last few classes. I spoke to the teacher and she said my only option was to be involved in class to even pass. I made sure that I was part of every discussion and ended up with an A even though I missed 2 classes at the end. No way I was missing that Vegas trip. :)
MustardSock: I thought I missed the class last week, and I was afraid of missing the first TWO classes, not just the first one.
Most classes at my college are mandatory attendance where being there is like 10+% of your grade.
My GF ended up being ok with the news, and I made up for it later by taking her out for dessert and funtimes.
| 3 | 5 | |
1378240000 | 1378748315 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | OneHighGiraffa: TIFU by allowing my brother to have a party, and smoking in my parents car while they were out of town
i said ok to a few friends coming over while i was at a lil wayne concert. ended up being a rager, which pissed me off since i came home early to clear them out. nothing was broken, and all was cleaned..
but
parents found out about the party and the fact he lied, saying he was too sick to go with them, which was to help my sister move in. I stayed because they needed me to drive my other sister to her soccer games.
They smelt weed in the car, because i smoked in it before the concert. had the windows down and all, but apparently it was still noticeable to them..
I'm being kicked out of the house for being a bad influence on my brother and sister.
they dont know that i smoke.. i'm always really careful about that..
but i guess i deserve it, for lack of better judgement.
fml . tifu .
SpookyGhost69: Time to start on that heroin
OneHighGiraffa: thats freaky u said that, cause im actually planning on picking up some
TheDoc42: That would be a bad idea...
OneHighGiraffa: onle gawd ken juj may ! !
welp, looking for a place has been ok, got a few i'm looking at, goddamn tho, the deposit along with first months rent, is brutal.. guess thats what the parents wanted to show me..
also on the good side, i may be able to purchase my friends old car which he decked out the system in. clear highs and mids, and i've got a sub i salvaged from my car that was totaled, so i'm stoked on the idea of having a complete system at least in the car.
[deleted]: Dude, sell the sub for rent money. Worry about the speakers later.
OneHighGiraffa: yeah perhaps, but for what i paid, the resale wouldnt even be worth it. and imo its invaluable to have a good sound in my car. i could drive the ugliest car, but as long as it sounds good inside, i'd be happy.
but i havent started living on my own just yet, so there may come a time that it needs to go.. but i have some other things i'd be selling first.
ScroogeMcDuckII: live in the car
OneHighGiraffa: words of wisdom!
wont be getting my buddies car, but going to buy my sisters prius! which would save me on gas, especially after i've been driving my parents mini van the past couple of weeks
| 9 | 2.666667 | |
1378268795 | 1378329388 | null | t5_2to41 | 167 | Basura_: TIFU by pissing my pants at my new neighbor's house.
Okay so I live in an apartment building with nine apartments . 2 weeks ago a new neighbor moved into the apartment above us . Tonight I finally ran into him and got the chance to introduce myself.
I'd just gotten home from work after an hour commute and really had to go, but I didn't want to abruptly end the conversation after just meeting him, so I ignored the urge and listened intently. Our conversation progressed into discussing our apartments, hobbies, the hassles of moving, etc.
At this point I'm feeling immense pressure in my bladder so I sort of cross my legs while standing and shift my weight to clench and hold it a bit longer until the conversation permitted me a polite exit. Except now we were talking about our floor plans and he mentions his is odd- to which I quip that ours is pretty ridiculous as well. At this point he pulls a "No, you seriously have to come look at this. "
I should have politely declined and taken a raincheck. At this point my bladder is throbbing and I'm not entirely sure but i think I felt an intense burning in my kidneys. He ushers me to his door and after looking at his abode (his floor plan was truly bonkers) I finally oblige my bladder and ask if I could use his restroom. He gestured to the bathroom and I had to physically will myself not to run to the toilet.
It's now that I will mention that the standard uniform for my job are navy blue scrubs. The pants have a waistband with strings that are tied. As I fumbled into his bathroom, I began desperately clawing at my drawstring pants trying to solve the rubix cube that was knotted there. I began to sweat and many hands were trembling. I felt like I could taste pee.
Exasperated and gasping for breath I finally undid the strings on my scrubs and backed toward the toilet, beginning the descent onto the porcelain throne. But it was to late, Reddit. The pressure from crouching slightly right before sitting caused a geyser of urine to spring forth from me with the might of Poseidon. It drenched the back of my legs, my underwear, my pants, the corner of his bath mat, and as it slowed to the trickle of a mountain spring, it coated the bowl of the toilet.
My eyes glazed over with shame and I immediately began operation "Recoup Dignity" by mopping up my glorious eruption with wads of his two ply. After mopping up what i could I found a can of Air Wick, doused the tainted bath mat corner in it, double flushed the mound of pee saturated Quilted Northern, and washed my hands (careful not to make eye contact with myself in the mirror).
I hiked up my pants and waddled out to face the new guy once more. I thanked him and excused myself, citing an important phone call. I awkwardly backed away and walked backwards through the door, hoping he wouldn't notice the giant piss mark on my ass.
Needless to say, I'm not sure he will ever be inviting me over again. And I damn sure wont be making eye contact any time soon.
thehotdelancey: It's okay, Peeing your pants is cool! Everyone does it!
Baj_93: If peeing in your pants is cool, then consider me Miles Davis
thehotdelancey: OOH. That was the grossest thing I've ever heard in my life. Let's Go.
LordCheddington: NO YELLING ON THE BUS!!
| 5 | 33.4 | |
1378269257 | 1378388655 | null | t5_2to41 | 760 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my girlfriend that, I originally didn't want her number when we first met.
Some back story first, My girlfriend and I have been dating for 6 months and we met about a year ago through my room mate. She and my roommate went to high school together and she came over one day last year just to hang out. Half way through the evening he falls asleep leaving me to talk to her for a few hours alone. We said our good byes and i totally forgot i met her until she added me as a friend on facebook a few days later and messaged me.
Today, however, i chose a bad choice of words. We were talking and she brought up how crazy she thought it was that we met and in her words "it was meant to be". I jokingly said "yeah you had to stalk me to get my phone number." to which she said "yeah i just kept thinking 'i bet he was mad for not getting my number' so i fb you"....this is where i fucked myself. i said "well, i dont think about getting girls phone numbers so". To me that meant "when im talking to a girl i forget or dont realize to ask them for their phone numbers because im lazy when it comes to girls and dating" she took it as i didnt want her number and that she forced it on me. She then went into total rage mode and yelled at me for 30 minutes while i tried but failed to state my case. Looks like im cuddling up with the cat on the couch tonight boys!
Edit- Didn't have to sleep on the couch. The cat slept with us. She got over it rather quickly.
Darkstrategy: I think people are overreacting about your GF. Sounds like a heat of the moment thing that wasn't well thought out on her part, which happens.
I'd only be concerned if she doesn't cool off and understand later on or if this is a really common occurrence over little things.
Matthew94: *Thirty minutes*
That's a long time when you're being yelled at.
_Asterisk_: It's possible that OP was exaggerating.
dfedhli: It could be, but OP also indicated that it was never resolved. So even if she yelled for only half the time, 15 minutes, he still had time to write up and post a TIFU post and decide to sleep on the couch next to his cats before she figured out what was going on. Still definitely a red flag.
And besides, even *if* it was resolved after only 15 minutes of yelling, or 5 minutes, or whatever, it's *still* a red flag. Blowing up in the "heat of the moment" about something she misunderstood instead of trying to clear it up is immature behaviour, and not excusable.
feelingfroggy123: I would agree with you BUT there are so many factors not mentioned. Does she always blow up? Is this a new reaction? Did he really word it that way? Is he really sleeping on the couch? You never know she could have just been giving him shit and laughing over it but he felt exaggeration would make for a better karmatic post.
dfedhli: I can only assume he's telling the truth from his perspective. If it was really resolved and he decided to make an interesting post for karma, then we're operating on false information, and he'll know to disregard the "red flag" comments, because he lied anyway and the people saying it's a red flag are saying so based on his lies. If, however, he did tell the truth, even if it's exaggerated, it's a major red flag. Not only did he not mean "I didn't want your number specifically" and she never bothered to find that out before becoming enraged, even if he had said that she should not have been upset. Sometimes attraction grows over time rather than being instant. Most of the time even. She should be flattered that her personality was so alluring that as he got to know her he came to really like her. But, obviously this isn't the case. All we know is that OP meant that he didn't think to get any woman's number, she understood that he didn't want her number, and she became upset and unresponsive to communication. This definitely constitutes a red flag.
feelingfroggy123: I do agree with you. I guess I just don't feel ok labeling her awful based on one post with so little information if that makes sense.
That said my SO if fully aware I hated him the first few times I met him. It wasn't until I actually got to know him that I liked him as a friend. It was when we got closer that I developed an attraction. He knows and didn't fly off the handle. We both think it's kind've funny now :)
dfedhli: I agree, it's not right to label her awful based on this info, and I'm not doing that. I'm just saying her actions in this situation are a red flag.
feelingfroggy123: Oh I know you weren't I meant people in this thread. I'm sorry if my tone felt accusatory I certainly didn't mean to imply you at all.
dfedhli: That's what I figured you meant, and your tone didn't feel accusatory, I just wanted to make it totally clear that that's not what I'm saying.
| 11 | 69.090909 | |
1378258388 | 1378305898 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU- because I'm a geek
So my friend had set me up with one of her friend who thought I was cute, which is odd because well... im not, and i was texting her quite alot. She knew i was a pretty big nerd and asked me what my favorite superhero was; it was a question that made me so happy to hear. Finally a girl who appreciates comics. We talk for a few about superheroes and then i pop the question "marvel or DC?"
And she replies DC. At this point in ecstatic because i love DC, so we talk for a while and then i fall asleep. So now i am talking to this hot girl (yeah compared to me, she was wayyyy out of my league) and she takes interest in superheroes, perfect, dream come true. The next day i am talking to that same friend and she brings up that she never had a clue what marvel or DC even were. Me and my nerdy rage go and immediately call it off with this hot girl so lying about such a trivial thing.
TL;DR Hot girl lies about liking superheroes to impress nerdy, lame me. I find out and call it off in a brace-faced fury.
Well that said i hope i can find a girl who is actually nerdy, not tumblr "nerdy"
llamallamalizard: Haha @ the phrase "tumblr nerdy" - I'm 100% stealing that. The real nerds are the girls in the IT classes browsing reddit before class starts, contemplating what the ultimate specs are for a dream pc build. I.. I might be a nerd. Crap.
[deleted]: It's ok, you are among your species
llamallamalizard: Haha yep. We were putting the ends on rj45 cables in class and the guy who I was partnered with spent practically the whole time trying to just strip the wires and wouldn't let me do anything, so I finally told him to hand over the damn cord and had it set to crimp within five minutes, first time. I think I bruised his ego. :P Maybe he'll take me more seriously next time. I'm in there for a reason, dude, don't get in my way!
[deleted]: Haha good for you sounds like you really earned the title of "nerd"
llamallamalizard: Whole life, man. Several different Linux distros multi-booting on old laptops and one serving as a vpn/ssh tunnel depending on need, old electronics in varying states of disassembly, reference books strewn about... I don't take this shit lightly haha.
| 6 | 1.833333 | |
1378253262 | 1380122037 | null | t5_2to41 | 47 | liamslagle: TIFU by accidentally hiding in the ladies' room for an entire period
First off, I am a dude, so obviously the women's restroom isn't the best place for me to be at any given time. So anyway, I was heading off to my fourth period class at my high school, and knew I had to go shit tons before the class started or else I'd be miserable. In my school, there are two bathrooms on the upper floor, one at the beginning of each wing. Between the two wings, there are more classrooms for extra classes, I don't really know. As you approach these restrooms, the men's is always on the right; it's organized by left/right rather than relative to the middle area. As I usually go on the side I was not going on at the time, I blindly hurried into the ladies' unaware of the difference in my hurry. There was no one in there at the time, so I dashed into a stall and plopped down, ready for the main event. After about a minute, I hear footsteps, and under the stalls, I can see a pair of very girly looking shoes (mine could go either way, so they couldn't really tell). I was about to call out, but before I uttered a word, yet another pair of girly shoes enters, and at this point I'm really worried. I come to the realization that I am, in fact shitting inside a girl's restroom, and having eaten a heavenly platter of nachos con queso the night before, I had some serious excrement going on. I could also hear the girls ew-ing at the shit-tastic soundtrack I was filling the room with. At this point I made the decision that I would sit there until they all left, and then quickly sneak out, but for an ENTIRE FUCKING HOUR there was a constant stream of girls coming in and out, and I was just sitting on my ass in my stinky despair. At long last, my salvation came in the form of a surprise fire drill, causing all current girls to evacuate and providing me with the perfect opportunity of escape.
DyslexicPuppy: so you're wearing toms, crocs or converse.
liamslagle: Yep, I was wearing converse
because-racecar: Faggot.
liamslagle: Thanks bro
| 5 | 9.4 | |
1378303159 | 1378306159 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying weed
And then proceeded to throw up on my friends couch and pass out in the yard for an hour..
TL;DR never trying weed again
[deleted]: Different strokes for different folks but how much did you, um, try?
Uselesssecrets: I don't even know.. My friend did it in this homemade gravity bong type thing. Like a tropicana orange juice jug. First i coughed my lungs out then i went fuckin crazy. Then threw up... I don't remember much more than that.. Though i feel pretty fuckin terrible and am unsure how i can talk to her again :/
[deleted]: Uh, did you eat too much? Or did you cough too hard? Ive had this happen when Im by myself and thats because I ate too much
Uselesssecrets: I didn't eat a damn thing after trying it, unless i don't remember.. I think i asked for ice cream though. Before i had a chicken sandwich, some. Waffle fries, and about 3 hours before that, a Brazilian chicken grilled flat bread.
And i had calmed down from coughing for a bit before i barfed i think..
[deleted]: Maybe it was the food you ate before. If it was your first time, weird things can sometime happen. I'd give it another try if it was me. It can lead to good times. Do it slowly though
Uselesssecrets: I doubt i will. But who knows, fuckin college right? Also is it normal to feel woopy the next day randomly?
[deleted]: Oh yea, happens to me every time. Supposedly thc stays active in your system for 24 hours depending on how much you smoke.
Uselesssecrets: Fuck.. Well looks like i'm skipping chemestry. Maybe get some sleep and go to my last two classes
[deleted]: How much did you smoke? Shouldnt be that bad lol
Uselesssecrets: As mentioned above.. I don't fuckin know. Was only my second time being around ms. Mary jane
[deleted]: Well, if your up to it, try again on an empty stomach and see how it goes.
| 12 | 1.666667 | |
1378302534 | 1378312679 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | MeLlamoViking: TIFU by not bringing my identification to a job training
Forgot a form of id for a tax form, and now my hiring manager probably won't be interested in rescheduling. Great.
boydboyd: Out of curiosity, do you not ensure you have identification on your person at all times?
MeLlamoViking: I do, but I don't carry my social security card with me wherever I go. The last thing I need is someone stealing my wallet, as well as my SS card.
[deleted]: I have my number memorized for this exact reason. Never take your social security out of that lock box in the back of your closet.
MeLlamoViking: I do too, but for some unholy reason, they don't trust me to remember my number, and insist on seeing it themselves. Joy.
onetrueping: This is because anyone can recite a nine digit number, but the card itself is official documentation from the federal government.
| 6 | 0.833333 | |
1378307523 | 1378323603 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | EdS909: TIFU by telling a joke to crazy
I was texting a girl I like but we are just friends ( I asked her out before but got let down gently) and the conversation went like this:
Me: how is your family
Her: I hate my family!!!!
I tried to back out but she carried on
Her: They r disgusting ppl who want me to DIE!! WHICH WILL BE SOON!!!
Me:Calm down you over exaggerating.
She tells me about this mental disorder which is fake, i looked it up. She says the exploit this illness and it makes her cut herself. I then joked 'thats why (Boy you like) dumped you' and she went ballistic. 3 hours later and I'm going be murdered because I'm insensitive.
TL;DR Joked to self harmer about boy dumping her, she doesn't appreciate my humour.
courtoftheair: What did she say she had?
EdS909: Something to do with TV and the fact it hurts her brain. She said she was forced to watch TV.
get_me_another_beer: Like, staring at it for hours on end? That's not a disorder. That's college.
EdS909: But being forced to watch TV?
| 5 | 0.6 | |
1378307644 | 1379099244 | null | t5_2to41 | 69 | avonelle: TIFU by sending a video of me masturbating to my former coworker.
All names have been changed in this story. :)
The actual event took place on Friday, but this is the first time I've been able to sit down and type this all out...
So sometime last week I (24f) found out that a different former coworker was currently in contact with a guy I used to work with named James. James and I had closed together a lot when we worked together at Blockbuster back in 2008 so we spent a lot of random evenings together and we were pretty cool. I had even met James's girlfriend and helped her with a school project; she was a psych major. However, after I left Blockbuster, I lost touch with James. After I found out I had a current contact with him, I was excited! I got his phone number and started texting him about how we should get a beer and catch up and started having random chitchat.
Friday evening I was at my boyfriend Casey's house. We were making out and of course sexy times ensued. We were deep in the thralls of passion for about fifteen minutes when someone knocked on the door. Casey was expecting his new roommate to show up so he left me in the bedroom horny and naked to greet the roommate and help him start moving stuff into his new bedroom. Listening to Casey in the other room just made me feel frustrated. I started masturbating instead so I would be able to pick up where we left off. Maybe 10 minutes later Casey was still indisposed and I started getting impatient. I decided to text him a video of me masturbating that would hopefully convince him to abandon the new roommate and return to sexy times. I opened up my texting app, selected to add an attachment, pointed the camera down, and started going at it.
The video was about 15-20 seconds long and showed only between just above my navel and the tops of my thighs, and of course my hand between my legs, and lots of panting.
I watched the video once before hitting "send" and then smiled.
That's when I looked at the top of the texting conversation I had just sent it in and realized it was actually to James, not Casey!!!!!!
The blinking green arrow showing the message was still "sending" flashed in my face menacingly. I started to panic. I did a long press on the message to see if there was a "cancel" option to no avail. I immediately started typing an apology before the video even showed as "sent". Something like "Oh my God, I know this will sound unbelievable and like a pathetic lie, but that was totally not intended to be sent to you!" The whole time in my mind I'm imagining that lame trope of someone who "accidentally" sends a sexual message to the "wrong recipient" and that this is now how I will be perceived. Then I started verbalizing that. I just tried apologizing profusely and explaining that it was really an accident and how horrifically embarrassed I was.
Luckily James was pretty cool about it. "I haven't opened it. Lucky guy whoever it was intended for though."
We're supposed to do that "catching up" later this week and I have no idea how I'll look him in the face.
I have not told Casey what happened. We haven't been dating very long. It was truly an accident and I feel like telling him will cause more drama than the honesty is worth... Right?
LzTangeL: From all my experiences..... LIE!!!!!!! what he dont know dont kill him
avonelle: It wouldn't necessarily be a lie, just an omission of the truth... RIGHT?!
People are telling me I'm horrible over this but we're not even 100% officially together and we've only been dating for a couple of months. It was an accident so I don't see how I'm obligated to tell him. :/ It's really embarrassing actually haha
cinderfox: ".....we're not even 100% officially together and we've only been dating for a couple of months...." I'm sorry but that sounds like something a cheating whore would say. Of course I'm not accusing you, this is actually anything but your fault. Just pointing that out there
avonelle: We weren't boyfriend and girlfriend. Plain and simple. I'm definitely not a whore. I have no reason to lie about anything on an anonymous internet forum.
cinderfox: Apologies, for some reason I'm still wired into the thought process that dating is the same as boyfriend and girlfriend. I understand what you're saying now. Why exactly do you feel bad about it or feel the need to hide it from him if you're not in that kind of relationship then?
avonelle: I'm not sure. I guess because I care about him. We were exclusively having sex. Hence the "not a whore" comment. (I don't like to use the word in general. A whore is someone who exchanges money for sex. I think the word you were looking for is promiscuous.) I like to have one sexual partner at a time, but we were not officially bf and gf.
Edit: I think it's much easier to just say "boyfriend" than "this guy I've been seeing/sleeping with"
cinderfox: Well I personally think you should just use fuckbuddy or something of the sort so as to avoid confusion. Well, best of luck to you :]
| 8 | 8.625 | |
1378306916 | 1378338963 | null | t5_2to41 | 245 | thegreatmisdirector: TIFU claiming to have waaaaaay more money than I actually do.
Today I realized this fuck up that I made a few months ago. I was filling out my FAFSA (financial aid) for school and apparently I put that I had $102,000 in my bank account at the time. It was probably more like 1,020. So now I owe $900 instead of getting $1400-$1500 back. I submitted a corrected form (due by September 20th) but I'm afraid that its too late to get any of that money I should have. God damn it.
gravedigger04325: That's why FAFSA tells you to review all information before submitting it...
[deleted]: That's why we are TIFU rather than TFAFSAFU.
[deleted]: TFAFSAFUFUSRAH
brianbrianbrian: TFAFSAFUFUS-RO-DAH
| 5 | 49 | |
1378318839 | 1379537908 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | poeslugia: TIFU by putting the milk in the pantry and the cereal in the fridge...
[deleted]: It's ok. Back when house phones were cool, I once put my phone in the refrigerator ALONG with the milk and could not find it for the whole weekend.
Idiomize: I put my portable phone into half eating bag of Doritos, rolled it up into cupboard didnt find it for a week.
[deleted]: Why...did you put it in a bag of Doritos?
dralcax: Because of the phone's microchips.
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1378319265 | 1378406415 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,575 | [deleted]: TIFU by using a 21 mg nicotine patch as someone who has never smoked a cigarette in my life.
Today at lunch I was in the chemist and I decided it'd be a great idea to pick up some nicotine patches. I had read on Reddit and other forums that using them can aid lucid dreaming, and can treat anxiety and depression. That all sounded great.
I have never smoked a cigarette in my life.
I slapped one on and headed back to class. 10 minutes in I became very light headed and quickly went to the toilet. I threw up everywhere and just lay there in the disabled toilets for half an hour. I got home, threw up a couple more times and fell asleep.
I just woke up and still feel very sick. I really fucked up. I have no idea why I'd believe using 21 mg of nicotine as a non-smoker would be a good idea. I threw the rest of the £15 pack away.
---
**Edit:** Two cans of soup, half a bottle of Fanta Lemon and joint later I feel fine.
Thank you to those who gave me advice. I'd buy you gold, if I wasn't so broke.
**Edit 2:** 10 days later, I do not feel any form of addiction to nicotine, and unlike some of you said have not felt the urge to smoke or uses patches again.
[deleted]: eat some sugar and drink water. You have nicotine poisoning.
r3coil: This is good advice. Sugar will combat it, drink a soda.
(not sarcasm)
threeys: > (not sarcasm)
That sounds really sarcastic
speaknott: It really is not, though. As a cigar smoker who has had nicotine poisoning on multiple occasions, this is the correct course of action.
[deleted]: You can get nicotine poisoning from smoking a cigar? How much do you have to smoke?
pikaaa: If you smoke it like a cigarette then there's no problem with getting a nicotine poisoning!
[deleted]: Googled smoking a cigar, found
> If you think that all you have to do to exude an air of class while smoking a cigar is inhale (which should not be done) and exhale, do not go near a cigar before reading this!
I am far more ignorant than I care to believe
Peregrine21591: I just learned that a Cigar can last 2-3 hours o_0
Definitely not the same as cigarettes
cuddlefucker: A cigar and a couple glasses of scotch is the best way to end a long day, or celebrate a huge success.
Peregrine21591: It's a shame whiskey/scotch makes me gag - it sounds like the epitome of a classy way to end the day
32skidoo: we can't all be as classy as OP :(
| 12 | 214.583333 | |
1378316326 | 1378400793 | null | t5_2to41 | 427 | IamSeth: TIFU by getting dressed for work.
So. I work in an hour and a half, and am terribly lazy.
Every day, rather than ironing my work uniform, I just toss it into the dryer for a while before getting dressed. Today was a day like any other, except that by chance I woke up unusually early. No problem- hop out of bed, usual routine, toss my clothes in the dryer, set timer for longer so they'll be ready in time to get dressed for work, go about my business. Right?
So, instead of twenty minutes, they're in the dryer for an hour and a half. I pull the clothes out a few minutes ago, rub them on my face for the glorious warmth, like you do, and proceed to get dressed...
It's important to note that I generally go commando, so there was nothing to protect my bits 'n berries from the searing awfulness that happened next.
Ever get into a car that's been in the sun for a while on a hot day, and touch the seatbelt clasp by mistake? Imagine that, only instead of a clasp it's a red hot zipper, and instead of your arm or hand or whatever, it's the skin at the base of your shaft where it connects to the sack (if you don't own a penis, imagine it's your nipple; same kind of sensitive). Basically that, but moreso. There was an audible sizzle and the smell of burnt flesh, and my vision went white for a moment as searing pain overtook every fiber of my being. That shit *hurt*.
There's a blister there now about the size of a pencil eraser. I have to go to work, and remain standing in front of customers for the duration of a four hour shift, with a blister the size of an eraser rubbing back and forth between my shaft and balls. This is actively the worst thing, reddit. The worst.
**Tl;dr:** Burned my shaft on a hot zipper, now I have to stand around with a blister and can't adjust all day.
chodaranger: I don't understand dudes who go commando. The idea of taking a shit, and pulling up my pants only to have all manner of nifkins and poop particles bandying about down there is disturbing to say the least.
The_Beard_Of_Zeus: This is why Man, in his infinite wisdom, created TP. Problem solved.
chodaranger: You're telling me you have complete confidence after every session? Every man's had a touch-and-go shit.
DaedricWindrammer: We check the tp.
QuinnTheChin: Still though, that's like rubbing your hands in shit and wiping it off and saying its clean....its not. It's disgusting.
DaedricWindrammer: Have you ever used wet wipes?
QuinnTheChin: No, I've heard it feels godly though
pyroman699: It's like nothing you've ever experienced. Go get some charmin wipes, you'll thank me later.
AzureBlu: They are too small, and if you fold them out they are like two atoms thick.. :(
DeathHaze420: Dry wipe first, wet wipe to cleanse.
The wet wipe isn't about getting shit off your asshole its about making sure your asshole is clean.
You don't pat yourself down with a dry towel and call it a shower, now do you?
[deleted]: Mens logic= Flawless
| 12 | 35.583333 | |
1378324702 | 1378413326 | null | t5_2to41 | 129 | captain-farts-a-lot: TIFU by causing my parents to fight because of my farts
So this actually happened yesterday. I made the mistake of eating nothing all day but fruit and ice cream because I really didn't feel all that hungry and I thought it wouldn't be a big deal. I mean people in the jungle eat fruit all day and they're fine, right? Well.
As evening set in, my insides began to rumble ominously. Now, I have a pretty strong stomach and can eat pretty much anything without getting bloaty, but I soon realized things were a little off. Something evil was brewing. Still, I was alone in my room and decided to just let a silent one out. (Because the door was open and my folks were across the hall and could hear me.) So I let one out, and instantly feel a little better, so I keep going.
And then the smell hit me. Everyone says that you always love your own brand, but this... this thing was unlike anything like I've ever experienced before. It was like concentrated evil had somehow found its way into this world and I was both horrified and a little impressed that I was able to do that. I didn't think girls could get such deadly gas. I mean I'm still kind of sure I'd be able to weaponise it somehow.
Anyway, I try to brave it but nope, I can't take how powerful this smell is. You know, the kind that feels like it reaches into your brain through your nose, and just burns eveything in its deadly path. So I run over to widely open the window and start fanning around. At this point I should mention that my father has been diagnosed with some pretty bad OCD, and he has this strict "policy" of how he thinks certain things should be around the house. Such as keeping the windows firmly closed when the weather is chilly.
So he barrels into my room about a minute later, demanding I close the window. And from down the hall I instantly hear my mother telling him to back off (she always told him to keep his OCD ways away from me and my sister). But he doesn't relent, and just like that, a huge fight starts up. And it doesn't transcend into any of those deep rooted issues, like they were just waiting for an excuse to argue. Nope, it's all about the window. After yelling at each other for about half an hour, the went and slept into different rooms.
It's been a day and they're still upset with each other and not talking. And I'm tempted to tell them that I'm sorry and that all of this started because I was trying to banish the stench of hell from my room.
GodComplexGuy: It's not your fault, don't sweat it darling.
newsedition: Exactly. If it wasn't the window, it was going to be *something* for somebody wound up so tight. Sounds like Daddy's going to wind up spending his money on meds, or a divorce lawyer. I know which one I'd recommend (the meds), but I'm frugal like that.
GodComplexGuy: Well, even if a divorce happens (not that it will), look at the bright side of things, if both of them get married again, you get double the family, thus, double the presents. ^^^Always^look^on^the^bright^side^of^life...
newsedition: Is true. I had a much-blessed childhood.
GodComplexGuy: How old are you anyway? I couldn't tell from the post.
newsedition: I am not OP. I'm a 37-year-old man-child.
GodComplexGuy: Well shit, how did I not notice that?
Note to self: Do not reddit while inebriated.
newsedition: To be fair, I do fart a lot, although I am not a captain.
GodComplexGuy: Everybooty farts!
| 10 | 12.9 | |
1378327521 | 1378330032 | null | t5_2to41 | 79 | ihavespecialeyess: TIFU by vandalizing my workplace with googly eyes
I work as part of IT for the Department of Child Support Services, and this group is are a lively bunch of individuals.
Taking some inspiration [from this post](http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/16hqf0/one_pair_of_googly_eyes_one_trip_to_target/) I asked one of my coworkers to purchase me a package of googly eyes to decorate these motivational posters for child support.
I started in our little area to see how these turned out, [hilarious](http://i.imgur.com/OoQk6eph.jpg) and so [every](http://i.imgur.com/m7yDvOS.jpg) [time](http://i.imgur.com/qGjczpph.jpg) I went out to answer a ticket, I would place another pair of eyes on another poster until I had an [album](http://imgur.com/a/seFjA) of joy to throw around, thinking "what harm could be done with some googly eyes?" As they came off easily during my initial test run.
About two weeks ago I got a call from two of our higher up managers calling me and my coworkers for a meeting, we are in a transition period so we all thought it was a nice little meeting of what is to come and the changes ahead for the section. Turns out there is a investigation going on for vandalism and destruction of DCSS property and all four of us were involved via video evidence.
Thinking to myself "well my friends didn't do anything, I'll tell them that I was the one that did googly eyes as a lighthearted measure of fun"
The investigation comes around and I tell them exactly that, they report to me that I will find out what will happen in a week. Seeing that this is a bigger issue than I initially thought, I went to go apologize to the graphics artists and tell them that I was the one placing the googly eyes onto the posters, to my surprise, they were really cool about it and laughed about it.
A week later, my coworkers get a letter of reprimand stating that they observed me placing googly eyes on a poster and did not report the vandalism. My turn comes around and I'm called into my managers office with our HR person and I'm handed a packet containing [this letter](http://imgur.com/a/vHXvh) and supporting documents.
As a result of the googly eyes, $846.85 dollars of damages was caused broken down into:
* Three 6' x 2' posters @ $35.40 each
* One 3' x '2 poster @ $20.65
* Repair, patch and paint one wall @ $480.00 ([the damage](http://i.imgur.com/ZMmql9E.png))
* Installation of signs @ $240.00
Additionally, my probation is also rejected which puts me down a paygrade and rank.
TL;DR: $1 pack of googly eyes causes $846.85 of damages to state property.
[deleted]: /r/talesfromtechsupport ?
ihavespecialeyess: Haha, I don't see anything IT related other that what my position was in this incident.
[deleted]: Just that if you have 100% IT "fun" times, put them there.
| 4 | 19.75 | |
1378324701 | 1378414493 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | PenisOverlord: TIFU by taking my dog for a walk
So, today after dinner at around 8pm myself and my household decided to take a stroll. It started like any other stroll, except tonight we turned right at a particular field rather than going straight ahead. Because our dog is a lurcher she loves to run around, so we let her off the leash when we reach an open field full of stubble. So, as we walked up the other pathway, we see a couple with their dog, politely say hi and continue walking. A few moments later, our dog, Nala, goes out of sight, seconds pass and I hear her barking, so I ran to find her and see that she is chasing sheep. To get to the sheep all I had to do was walk over a small gap in the hedges. I started shouting her name, and of course, no response, so I ran up to her and pick her up after she has been chasing the sheep for about 15 seconds at the most. I hear the farmer's dogs barking... You can see where this is going. But it gets better, these sheep that my dog was chasing, were not only pregnant, but were pedigree, and their lambs worth lotsa money. I gave the farmer our details as he needs to contact the police for the 'dog attack', and soon we will be visited by them etc etc. In about 10 days we will be notified if there have been any miscarriages, and if there are then we will be fined. And we have no home insurance to cover it, and I am a fucking student... But the annoying thing is that the path was RIGHT next to a public footpath, and there were no signs saying 'private land, do not tresspass' etc, or at least it was too dark to see them, and on top of that, there was no fucking fence or anything protecting the sheep in the first place!!! -__________________-
TL;DR Walked my dog a new way, chases pregnant pedigree sheep, and we may be fined if there are any misscarriages.
Alpha_Bitch: > on top of that, there was no fucking fence or anything protecting the sheep in the first place!!!
'Cept for the farm dog, likely a herder.
Aaaaaand this is why you do not let your dog off-leash if you cannot control it. Lucky for the dog (and your wallet) that it didn't go after a leashed, aggressive dog and get mauled.
PenisOverlord: Normally our dog is very obedient, and scared of everything. This was highly unlike her :( And I didn't even know about the sheep until I went through the gap and saw them. If I knew they were there, then none of this would have happened in the first place -.- Also because of her breed, it makes it hard for me to excercise her because she can run at least 5 times faster than I can sprint, so she would be walking everywhere and not really breaking a sweat :<
Alpha_Bitch: > This was highly unlike her
Unlike a *lurcher* to chase sheep? >.< They're sighthound crosses, its in their blood to chase and herd!
They definitely need more than walks, and its great that she gets opportunities to run...but *any* dog who can not be recalled simply shouldn't be let loose. But you can train a great recall - think about border collies or working dogs, if they were allowed to just run the herd and not come back, they'd drive any farmer insane. But they are trained to leave it and return once the job is done.
Alternatively, you might have a farmer in your area who has a flock or herd specifically for untrained dogs to chase and herd; its a great way to stimulate a herder's instinct, and wonderful exercise without having to worry about incidents like that. Or, look into treibball (herding a large ball into a goal in a competition setting), flyball, agility, barn hunts, and joring. Most lurchers would **love** any one of those activities! A daily bikejor would definitely wear out your pup if you can't afford a treibball or working class. Bikejoring is simply having your dog sprint next to you while you're on a bike. Its quite fun!
PenisOverlord: Woah, came here to say my fuckup and got some advice, thank you! :D
It's just so annoying though because i had no idea that they were there, and if i did then this wouldnt have happened in the first place, because she normally listens to me and returns when called -.- But true, she is a lurcher, and you obviously know more about dogs than I do, haha. I will look into the activities you mentioned :)
Alpha_Bitch: Hee hee, eh, I've been a behaviorist for ten years and I train a lot of working dogs...and sighthounds are my weak spot! If I had the time, I'd have a slew of border collies!
But we all make goofs like that; hell, just last year I had a similar incident with a foster. I had him off-lead in the woods and as far as I knew, he had an extraordinary recall...until he spotted a small group of deer. He was a pitbull mix and just *took off*. It was not unlike the [FENTON!!](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3GRSbr0EYYU) video, except I was lucky enough to be in the middle of nowhere. :p Ended up chasing him a good half mile, where I found that he had given up the chase in favor of rolling in a dead turtle carcass. /facepalm
PenisOverlord: That's so cool, do you have a dog yourself? Yeah just sometimes stuff like this happens and I guess all you can do is just say, shit, and carry on, but yeah that's never happening again...
Alpha_Bitch: Don't worry about it, just work on distraction recalls. ;) Now that you know, you can work on it - I love making mistakes, because if the mistake never happened, we would have no idea of a problem.
I don't, mostly because I do a lot of fostering and boarding in my home. There's usually always a dog here that needs work, and a ton of them are reactive/aggressive and it wouldn't be fair to my own pup. I *was* going to adopt a previous foster, buuuuut then I got pregnant and decided just to focus on work instead.
PenisOverlord: Yes definately I will work on it! And yeah that is a great point, one of the great things that happen in life, of all things, haha. Hope your work is going well :)
| 9 | 3.222222 | |
1378229084 | 1378427592 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | MrsAnthropy: Today I fucked up by giving the wrong phone number to a potential employer.
I've been out of work for a few months now. I attended graduate school in another state, got surprise pregnant with my second, and moved back "home" in order to provide more for my kids in an area with family and friends, rather than struggling to make ends meet in the big city.
We moved back in June, I had the baby three weeks later, and am now ready to get back in the workforce. I have been moonlighting weekends at my old job, but my husband and I would like to trade at-home duties. I would prefer to put my degrees to use and he's a much more energetic parent than I.
I came across a job posting with a company I'm interested in working for. This position would be a great foot in the door, a way to start making decent money (and more than my husband does now, so we could afford for him to take classes on the side, as well). The job requires excellent verbal and written communication skills, primarily because I would be working with people in an environment that requires a lot of problem solving and number crunching on my part. In the cover letter, I described my education and experiences as they relate to this specific requirement and go on about my eagle eye and attention to detail.
After I submitted the online application, I reviewed it again because I'm anal like that, only to discover that I had put in the wrong prefix/area code for my phone number. I can't even play it off like it's the city I moved from, because I looked it up, and it's a Kansas area code.
matt09z: maybe they won't put in the area code.
MrsAnthropy: I spoke to a friend who recommended I contact HR to let them know about the mixup. They were quite nice about it and said they'd take care of it.
matt09z: nice, hope you get the job and good luck with the interview. (high hopes)
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1378344038 | 1378438948 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by peeing and pooping in my car
I was on my way to school (university) today and had a protein shake on my way there. This was after breakfast too. About halfway there I had a shit that was coming NOW. There was no way I was going to make it school, find a parking spot, and walk to a building in time to get to a toilet.
My protein shake was in a large, 32oz reusable slurpee cup and that was to become my toilet. After finally exiting the freeway I pulled over to the first side street possible, positioned the cup directly and under my ass and let it rip. Luckily it all went nice and smooth in one straight line directly into the cup.
All would have been fine if not for two things. Firstly, I had absolutely nothing to wipe my butt with, and the turds did not break cleanly. Second, most people know its just about impossible to poop without a little pee coming out too. So after I walk to the building I throw the cup away on the way in. I head to the bathroom and wipe my ass and boxers off. Unfortunately I had to go to class with a small skidmark in my boxers and a little patch of wet urine. I didn't really smell though and got out of class and home to shower as fast as possible.
[deleted]: Not sure why it is edited so stupid, can anyone tell me how to fix it?
CaCtUs2003: You indented your paragraphs. Just delete the blank spaces before the first words in each of your paragraphs and it should repair itself.
[deleted]: thank you kind sir/maam. yes i tried indenting my paragraphs.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1378345563 | 1378515849 | null | t5_2to41 | 39 | [deleted]: TIFU by making an always sunny in Philadelphia reference
I had spent the weekend with my friend and his family in a cabin and on the day of departure his aunt came to say goodbye to me with her arms open for a hug. I fucked it up by saying "You'll have to pay the troll toll to get into this boy's hole." The minute it slipped out I instantly regretted it. Everyone stopped what they were doing and just stared at me in what seemed like disbelief. To make matters worse on our way out I slipped on the hardwood floor and knocked my self out. Worst experience of my life. I don't think I can ever speak to them again.
Edit: Put what really happened
feralmeatball: I knew exactly what reference this was going to be... God dammit OP, ya dun goof'd
Zebba_Odirnapal: He's a master of karate
OceanRacoon: And friendship
nolk: For everyone
| 5 | 7.8 | |
1378346892 | 1378499795 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | OrkBjork: TIFU losing $400 in textbooks in school supplies
Today was a bad day for me.
I started college as a freshman two weeks ago. I have some money problems and am barely able to pay for this semester.
Today, I had four classes, two of which had an hour between them. I brought a 3 textbooks so I could study during my downtime, after my last class I went to dinner.
TIFU by forgetting my bookbag in the dining hall.
About four hours later I'm about to head home after watching Battlestar Galactica with a friend. It finally hits me. I don't know where my bag is.
In one big rush of panic, guilt and regret, I realize I left it in the dining hall.
My day planner had my dorm address in it, but my friend and I stop buy the dining hall offices and the student union lost and found. No sign of it.
My bet, some one picked it up and just took it to check for valuables. I figured the thief might sell the textbooks back for some money.
I have a small glimmer of hope a good samaritan will turn it in, but for the most part, I've resigned to just accept that I will have to buy my books again.
I have some friends who said they'd share with me and my math class is online, so they only book I really need is my English textbook which was the most expensive, but I can afford it.
My initial anger has passed, but I can't help but feel stupid. All of my friends have told me that I shouldn't have even brought it, and left it in my dorm. Honestly, this could have been so easily avoided if I wasn't so absent minded. I'm just so angry with myself.
I can't tell my parents. They're not paying my tuition or helping pay for my education, but they'd still be angry and disappointed if they knew. My eighteenth birthday was a week ago, and I don't want them to think that I'd be irresponsible/stupid enough to just forget something like that.
I'm still around $700 short for next semester, I'm getting a job soon, and I should be able to scrape enough together, but I can't believe I'd do something so financially irresponsible and set myself back even further.
After I got back to my dorm I cried for a long while over the four hundred dollars I'd wasted.
Sorry for the long post, I just wanted to get that off my chest.
genius96: Try to look for your books online or borrow an older from the library, pirate if you have to.
le-peep: I second the pirating! Try to find a pdf of your english book if you can.
Or borrow the book from someone and make copies. It'll take forever and still cost some money, but it will most likely cost way less than the real book.
WyomingFlip: I third the use of file sharing. But stealing shit on the high seas? That's a tad dangerous for someone that's only 18. Finish college first.
But honestly, good luck with your books an college. I'm paying for my own way and I know how hard it is. Let me know what the books are through pm and ill se if I can find a digital copy for you if you want.
| 4 | 8 | |
1378347584 | 1378536251 | null | t5_2to41 | 122 | Lakonthegreat: TIFU by getting a pair of Heelys and nearly dying.
This story happened years ago, but I figured TIFU would enjoy it. This happened before Reddit was even a thing.
I was 19 (almost 26 now) and an avid churchgoer and superchristian. I played guitar at my local church of about 1000 people. I had previously played guitar in the Youth department of our church before being promoted to Sunday service. While in Youth, I met a kid named Nick. Nick was 15, and he and I were the same height and stuff. I had recently made a Myspace bulletin about wanting a pair of Heelys because I thought they were the coolest damn thing on the planet. I was not only a megachristian, but a megavirgin at this point, and apparently I wanted to remain so for a very long time by taking up such a useless and childish skill such as "Heeling." So Nick approached me after Sunday service one day, and informs me that he has something to give me. It was the very pair of heelys that I so desired. The ones I had lusted after online, the ones I had practically made love to at the local Journey's. They were mine. Once I had returned to my humble abode after a food stuffing period, I slapped those bitches on and immediately found out that Newton was correct in his hypothesis that a heavier object with much more mass than an apple will fall much faster than said apple. So, after two or three hours spent acquiring new cuts and bruises, I went inside.
The next day is where the story takes a turn for the worse. I decided, being off of work and school this next day, that I would spend time learning how to use my newfound transportation. I strapped those bitches on and headed to my street. I did decently for the first few runs. This is where shit gets fucked up. My road in front of my house is not paved, nay, it is rough grade asphalt. Rough grade asphalt tends to produce errant rocks made of a strong material that cannot be of this Earth. I call this element "You'regonnadie rock." I hit one of these Unobtanium pebbles with as much force as a 245 lb, 5'9" grown man can possibly generate. I managed to fall over my right leg, and was instantly gripped by the most blinding, sense nullifying pain imaginable. Now, I didn't freak out at this point. Let me clarify by saying I am a very clumsy and awkward person, as bigger people like myself are wont to be. I had sprained both of my ankles by jumping (Story for another day) one year prior to this incident. I figured it was just a sprain, and as such would be wrapped up and be better in a few weeks. I was horribly mistaken.
I walked on this leg the next day. I started to notice some slight bruising, not on the spot where the pain was concentrated nay, further up my leg. Two weeks later, I am on the couch in my living room unable to move for the fear that the blinding pain I was in would become much worse. The bruising on my leg had grown to 4 patches of reddish-black over my whole leg. I immediately went to the local hospital, and was informed that I had one of the worst fibular fractures the doctor had ever seen. My fibula was split in half and dislocated. Had I come in right when the injury was sustained, I would have had a cast and been fine in 6 weeks. Now, I was informed that my leg would require surgery. Fuck. I have no insurance. None.
I go to the local trauma center, as they are the only ones that will perform said surgery without insurance. The surgery was free, and their case managers got me on state insurance for my follow-ups and PT. I was fixed, and they sent me home with 2.5 extra pounds of metal in my leg in the form of a plate and 7 screws. I went home after two days of sleep in a hospital bed thanks to the morphine they were so fond of giving me in an effort to placate me into not attacking my PT coach who kept awakening me and attempting to teach me how to use my crutches by climbing down a spiral flight of stairs. Every time they would take me to the stairs, I would throw down my crutches, sit down on the ground, and begin to unleash a string of curses at this lady that literally made my mother cry. (I was fucked up on morphine, these stories were all told to me after the fact by my parents, grandparents, and great grandmother, who were all present as well.) So, I'm home in a surgical wrap, and getting fed Hydrocodone every 4 hours to stave off the burning pain of my new bionic parts.
A few days after the surgery, I was going through my normal shower routine, when the plastic bag attached to my surgical wrap loosed itself from my person. The water instantly flooded into my wrap and soaked it thoroughly. Well, fuck. A few days later, on top of the pulsing pain of the metal parts attached to my bone, I also now had burning pain on the surface of my incision. Off again to the local hospital. They unwrapped my leg and there presented to me was one of the worst infected incisions I have seen in my short life, made worse and more gruesome by the fact that it was upon my person. The ER doctor gave me some antibiotics, and then re-wrapped my leg.
I ended up being fine.
For then.
See, when you don't take enough antibiotics to get completely rid of the infection, you can develop an infection known the world over as Methicillin Resistant Staphylococcus Aureus. MRSA. Several months later, I was walking again and all healed, and had been developing pus-filled nodules periodically. I had one under my arm when I went in to get my wisdom teeth pulled. This big, plum sized bastard instantly became very aggressive after being presented with the IV tranquilizer the orthodontist had given me. He decided that it was his body, not mine, and he wanted me gone. He proceeded to replace my blood with the diseased sludge that filled his pocket of inflamed adipose tissue. After returning home and recovering for one day, I was well enough to play at church on a Wednesday night in preparation for our biggest event of the year: Our yearly choir concert. Afterwards, my mom and I joined some friends from the youth group in some post-church revelry at IHOP. I began not feeling well, and as such, had my mother drive me home. Upon arriving, I instantly went to bed. My mother had a moderate amount of difficulty awakening me the next morning. I decided I'd stay home from computer school to get better from the bug I decided that I was infected with. My mother came home to check on me at lunch, and this is where shit gets serious. She wakes me up by violently shaking me in bed, and informs me that my temperature was 104 degrees fahrenheit. I made it through hearing "1-0..." Before I had collapsed on the floor next to my bed. My mother lifts me up with my arm on her shoulder, and takes me to her car. I start to come around on the way to the local hospital, with which I had become very well acquainted over the last few months. I passed out in triage, but only after having discovered that my temperature had climbed to a life-threatening 106 degrees and that my blood pressure had bitched out and decided to shrink to a measly 60/30. I was rushed to a bed unconscious, and remained so for a 2 day stay in the ICU, of which I remember naught, and then 6 more days on the Med/Surg floor of the hospital receiving IV antibiotics, and learning that I was pretty much Patient Zero for MRSA in this area. I got my arm cut open and drained, and then I was well and able to return to school.
TL;DR I broke my leg, surgical incision got infected, and then I almost died months later from said infection.
This is my first of many stories from my life. If you stayed until the end, I thank you and here's a bonus: You're a really cool person.
[deleted]: Jesus fuck, you should not be alive right now, OP. This is a pretty epic TIFU, though. I hope you're not always this prone to misery on a grand scale.
Lakonthegreat: Oh you have noooo idea. This is story one of a planned 5 story arc.
Gigawatz: My god I can't wait.
Lakonthegreat: You won't have to wait long. Story #2 coming later today.
| 5 | 24.4 | |
1378342037 | 1378370388 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | Arswaw: TIFU by cutting in line
It was the second day of college for me. The college store sells a lot of great merchandise including books, textbooks, food, and drink. It was lunchtime and I was hungry so I got a sandwich and some Mountain Dew. I then went up to the cash register when there was one person in line in front of me.
I was waiting patiently when I hear some guy say 'Hey Chief! Back of the line!'
I turn around to see fifty people waiting in line for the same cash register, only they stopped at a line on the floor for some reason.
I had literally walked in front of 50 people.
I didn't really want that sandwich so badly that I would wait in line that long, so I left.
HydrofoilGoat: I hate when people do that. I work in a supermarket and there's always someone who stands several metres behind the next person and you end up with five different lines and a whole bunch of anger.
Should've just stayed where you were, fuck those people.
Jewlzeh: I'm pretty sure the line at my uni's bookshop is to give somewhere for people to walk through easily. We usually have a bunch of workers at the start of semesters to keep lines organised anyway. Which sounds totally sad but its helpful.
HydrofoilGoat: I guess that makes sense. Don't mind me, I'm a bitter excashier
| 4 | 5 | |
1378376322 | 1378405424 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | oddSpace: TIFU by failing a driving test 20 seconds before it was over.
I didn't stall, I didn't speed, I reversed round a corner and emergency stopped and used signals/mirrors every time I did anything- looking at the report I was given after, I made one "minor" error (you need 16 to fail) because I hesitated too long at a roundabout.
I pulled into the road the test centre's on and saw a cyclist in front of me. *"I should stay behind him"*. I thought. *"he's going fast and my turn is soon"*.
Somehow, in the next 15 seconds I totally forgot that. I checked in front, the road was clear. I checked behind, it was clear. I looked in every turning to see if any cars were waiting to pull out, there was nothing. "next left" the examiner says. Of course, being the fucking *idiot* I am I decide to overtake the cyclist, and pass the turning.
Instant fail, £100 wasted, another month before they're available for a retake. The thing that annoys me most is that it's so *minor* (I drove round the block and pulled in again, taking about 2 minutes at most) but because it was an overtake, any error is marked as serious.
jahesus: Ah fuck bikers. They are twaffles any ways.
Atrosityy: Cyclist, not biker.
jahesus: As a rider of motorcycles, I should know better than confuse those two terms.
| 4 | 8.5 | |
1378398492 | 1378425733 | null | t5_2to41 | 996 | UncouthBastard: TIFU by getting high and telling my very religious sister that I am no longer a "born-again christian."
My sister and I are about the same age. She lives in georia with her husband; I live in new york with my wife. Before that my sister and I had moved around and hadn't seen much of each other for awhile; and we had never really been close.
She always wanted us to be close I guess, but she has this just, weird kind of personality. Every now and again she or I will give each other an awkward phone call, but we have way different values, and it's kind of like talking to a stranger that you're obligated to know.
Her husband works at a church, and they're actively christian people. My wife and I haven't been to church in quite some time, and we aren't really bothered by that. Though we do maintain our friendships with people we knew from church, it just isn't a priority to us any more, and I'm now agnostic.
I woke up this morning to a message from my sister, we'll call her Dana. It was the obligatory, quarterly "hey, how are you, and things?" call, and now I had to call her back. Hoping this wouldn't take too long I grabbed my hookah and began to set it up to smoke some weed; while I called her on speaker phone.
She picked up and we started off with the usual dance of trite bullshit. How were things? How's the new place? What are you doing now? Have you talked to mom or dad? You get the gist. In the course of this conversation I've got the coal going and am toking away, the conversation is winding down. Just as I think we're about to hang up she drops this bomb: "Did you hear that dad hasn't paid his taxes for several years, and they might lose the house?"
Holy fucking shit! I had not heard that! And I was way too high to suppress much gossip-killing indifference. My solution? Finish this bowl, this is gonna be good! This conversation lead into a general critique of my dad, as he was a pastor, and my sister wanted him to stop doing that since it's an hour away both ways. Then we went into churches and she asked me why I hadn't been going. "Unless you're agnostic now," she said half-jokingly. "Oh, well, uhhh...yeah, kinda," I half-joked back; too high to realize the consequences of that terrible phrase.
"What? Well, you know god is real. So, what's the problem?"
*Oh, shit.*
"Well, uh, I just don't really care any more. I mean, he might be real, but I don't think he interacts with humanity anymore. I'm, like a deist."
"But, he's either real or he isn't."
"Look, I just don't think it's important any more."
"But, UncouthBastard, you went to bible school, you were a missionary."
......
We went around in this circle for what felt like hours. I stumbled through the second half of our conversation, trailing off, forgetting what was being said, sounding high as fuck; while trying to explain why I just didn't care about god any more.
Finally I just said, "look I don't want to talk about this anymore."
"Okay..."
We sat in silence on the phone still, for at least a minute.
"So, so, is there anything else you wanted to ask about?" I was trying to end it.
"Well, you just said you don't want to talk about it."
*Sigh* "Anything else?"
"No, not really."
Another minute of silence.
"Okay, so, I guess, have a good afternoon."
"Okay you too."
We hung up in a super awkward way.
This is going to be a huge family scandal when it gets back to my parents. They are going to make me hate my life, badgering me about why I've left the church.
EDIT: in reading over many of the comments here, and re-reading my initial post, I've come to realize that this story was really less about me and my family not having cohesive religious beliefs and them rejecting me; and more about how I (guess I fucked up?) realized that I'm getting older, and I don't have many very close friends, and it's weird and a little scary that my relationships are changing with old friends and family.
TL;DR: I told my awkward sister I'm not a christian anymore and she's going to tell my fundie parents and we're going to have phone time intervention. Then I got hit with a nostalgia wave.
[deleted]: "SON!!! WHY THE HELL HAVE YOU REJECTED CHRIST?
IRS "knock knock mother fucker, the only jesus they have in jail is a hispanic one"
turnip_eater2: Lost it when I read your comment. Here's an upvote.
Emnight: You sir are literaly a sir
*tips fedora*
Shitty_Human_Being: All my upboats to you, you fine gentlemanly scholar.
*puts on monocle and top hat*
Edit: Downvote me all you want. This is hilarious and not circlejerky at all.
Emnight: Why, sir, you are a gentleman of the finest sort! 'Tis nuncupatory!
xlawpidorg: A gentleman and a scholar of sorts, indeed.
[deleted]: stop
HoneyBadgers_Forever: ***le***
BoSknight: Did you miss the memo? That shit is stupid, even as a parody.
Sixty2: The correct way to state your message is that ironic shit-posting is still shit-posting.
Carry on.
BoSknight: Thank you.
| 12 | 83 | |
1378403770 | 1378420521 | null | t5_2to41 | 320 | [deleted]: TIFU by opening a /r/gonewild pic right in front of my dad's face
Okay, so I was jerkin' the turkey if know what I mean earlier in the day, and silly me left reddit on /r/gonewild open with a very... gonewildish picture on it.
Anyway, skip forward a few hours and I'm working on my computer trying to sort something out with my dad when I decide to check twitter. No new tweets, oh well then lets check reddit. So there I am with my phone out in front of us and I open reddit to be greeted by a very attractive redhead... touching herself. Fuck, I instantly die inside and my dad excuses himself and I'm now just sitting here.
well, dinner is going to be fun :(
lookin_left: Hopefully dinner is not chicken ...... or fish ........or beef........
Pasta should be just fine for dinner tonight.
politically_confused: he could make a noodle reference...still not safe
ninja997: "Son stop playing with your noodle." "Dad its pasta, stop."
| 4 | 80 | |
1378407298 | 1378799182 | null | t5_2to41 | 865 | [deleted]: TIFU by watching my dad clean my semen infested wall.
So I, a lazy teenager, rather than use tissues when masturbating, used to simply turn over and do my business on the wall. Over 2 years of doing this, on a daily basis, I decided to stop as it was literally infested as hell, like thick stains running down the wall. So a few weeks ago I took in a drunk friend at 5am who I let sleep in my bed for the night then go home the next morning. So today I arrive home, run upstairs and see that my sheets had been cleaned, and realise someone must have seen the wall because it was right next to my bed. About an hour later my mom comes in and says "ArmouredFish did you know your friend got sick down the side of your bed that night he stayed??" and I gasped a breath of relief and said a "haha yeah". About 2 hours later i'm thinking 'fuck that was a close one', I'm playing Xbox in my room and my dad comes in and says "you're gonna have to get up, I'll clean the sick off your wall". So after protests that theres 'no smell' and such he doesn't listen and gets on his knees and starts to clean the semen off my wall as I'm playing Xbox, I'm literally trying not to gag as there's a stench coming as he picks every piece of 'sick' off the wall, and at one point he said "wow you'd almost need a scraper to get this off the wall", I walked out of the room, he's still up there now as I can hear the scraper grinding off the wall taking every piece of 2 year old semen off
TIFU
TheCravening: I am a parent and I am trying to envision any reason I would clean my kid's drunk friend's vomit off the wall while my kid sat there playing XBox and I'm coming up completely fucking empty.
I think today your parents fucked up.
ninja997: I think they've fucked up for awhile now.
jenniferella16: Sounds like a spoiled brat to me. Mommy and daddy have probably done everything for him his whole life. I'm surprised he was able to whack it without his parents helping him!
ROFLBRYCE: Well he'd have to break his arms first.
sh0rtz: No.
HardWhiteAndRType: Karma's saying yes.
sh0rtz: God Dammit Leeroy! -.-
| 8 | 108.125 | |
1378409264 | 1378413264 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | moeyyyy: TIFU: I got invited to a party for the first time and messed up horribly. (x-post from /r/socialskills)
yeakevinc: LOL. I feel like I just read a 4chan story. Someone tell me he is pulling my leg.
[deleted]: Do you know why I'm pretty sure it's real? The "i threw shit" sentence came out of nowhere. The train of thought is completely agitated when he tells the story. It's either a legendary troll or it's his actual (lack of) reasoning and thought process being dumped into the thread.
edit: I don't think you can make shit (lol) like [this](http://en.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/1lrd01/i_got_invited_to_a_party_for_the_first_time_and/cc2fqtz) up
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1378402208 | 1379095627 | null | t5_2to41 | 49 | CallMeCrow: TIFU by entering random gibberish as names while quoting a vacation and booking the trip before changing the names.
Well, I was trying to get a price quote for Vegas on my laptop. In order to get to the total price, you must enter ALL passengers info. I put random nonsense in each field (sjkadashdkjahsd) and proceeded to book the trip when I seen I could afford it.
GF caught it and had to spend the next 2 hours on the phone :( It was fixed, though! Free of charge, too!
[deleted]: You ***saw*** you could afford it. You ain't seen nutin'.
CallMeCrow: My english teacher would be disappointed.
starbucksrig: Don't listen to this person. The way you speak is perfectly legitimate, no matter what your English teacher told you.
irGoodman: You're wrong.
starbucksrig: I challenge you to find a respected linguist who would agree with you.
irGoodman: I challenge you to have some common sense.
starbucksrig: Why am I wrong?
| 8 | 6.125 | |
1378415562 | 1378757900 | null | t5_2to41 | 195 | fappedonjesus: TIFU by wiping my cum on Jesus (xpost - r/offmychest)
Posted this in the wrong place, seems at home here...
I am at home for a while until I start my new contract, which is to be sent via recorded delivery any moment now.
Anyway, I'm at home alone so I figure an afternoon fap is in order, so I'm doing the deed (bukkake, if anyone was curious) and literally as I'm finishing the doorbell goes and so some of it misses the tissue and goes on my hand. I need to answer the door because it might be my contract which I don't wanna miss, also I don't wanna wipe my cum on myself, so I just tuck my still prominent boner into my waistband, clench my right fist and run downstairs, I open the door...
Two older gentlemen, one with a walking stick, are standing at the door with a bible and a pamphlet with a picture of Jesus Christ on it...they introduce themselves as Jehova's Witnesses and begin asking me my thoughts regarding peace on earth...my boner goes down a little bit which means it has flopped down from my waistband and is now flailing in my boxers and the bulge can be seen so I sort of half close the door and hide both my boner and my right hand from view.
I said I didn't know about peace on earth, because I felt bad talking about the Father, Son, or Holy Ghost with a fistful of Bukkake induced sperm in front of two old men. One of them handed me the pamphlet which I took with my left hand, he then introduced himself and offered his right hand for me to shake...I had no choice but to wipe my right hand on the pamphlet behind the door, I then shook both of their hands and watched the man with the walking stick proceed to put his hand on the bible and smother remnants of my potential children on it...
I closed the door after they told me I was such a polite young man, looked at the pamphlet and saw that my cum was literally on Jesus' face, in his beard and everything, and his mouth was open and he was looking up...I feel bad.
Edallag: Not as bad as Cum Wall..
juicylips336: Cum wall?
Edallag: It looked like it got deleted, but some guy basically came on his wall for 2+ years, and then his dad cleaned it up or something. Really fucking gross.
juicylips336: Thanks... now I really wanna see it.. you know... for science.
Edallag: By that Username... I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing...
| 6 | 32.5 | |
1378416130 | 1378546531 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | crjlsm: TIFU by breaking my window by playing soccer in the house.
My dad has told me over and over and over again not to play soccer in the house. "You're going to break a goddamn window" he'd say. And it makes sense now. I'm 19 years old, I shouldn't be kicking a ball around in the fucking house anyway. So while he was out today I went for a real crazy shot. It went down the hallway, curled past a wall, and absolutely shattered my window. He's going to fucking kill me. I fucked up.
trollpatro1: At least it wasn't a stereotypical baseball
drifter15: small hole vs. big hole. Would prefer the baseball regardless of how stereotypical
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1378415406 | 1378479418 | null | t5_2to41 | 107 | surfrock66: TIFU by exposing my porn browsing history to a co-worker.
Very brief fuck-up. I'm very open at home, have nothing to hide from the wife, so I openly browse porn with no need for incognito or anything. I frequent a bunch of porn subreddits, and somehow /r/cumsluts is the first thing in my Chrome auto-complete whenever I type "www.redd" in the address bar.
So I don't browse reddit from my work computer...but I do keep a VNC session to my home server and browse from there, so no history or anything is on my work machine. This is synced with my laptop, where my porn browsing usually happens.
So I'm chatting with a co-worker about making a shirt (he's mormon btw, just remembered that. He is a very bad mormon and drinks coffee and such, and is just socially awkward as hell.) with a stupid phrase on it, and I remembered /r/bleachshirts . I pull up the VNC session, open my chrome, type www.reddit/r/ and before I hit the B....BOOM cumsluts.
He is not subtle and has made an absolute scene about this. There's no proof and I'm not in trouble or anything, but now when he sees me says things like "I can't even look at you anymore, knowing what you've seen!" TIFU.
PuroMichoacan: My ex-wife was sure to bring up my dragons fucking cars drawings.
Mechzx: I think there's a sub for that I cant remember
PuroMichoacan: /r/dragonsfuckingcars
iamMess: Pretty straight forward.
| 5 | 21.4 | |
1378408869 | 1378526754 | null | t5_2to41 | 68 | Pepser: TIFUpdate by not feeding my cat
So thanks for all your kind reactions last time (http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1leu9r/tifu_by_not_feeding_my_cat/)
TIFU again, this time by not letting this same cat play outside.
So this morning construction workers were working on the house across the street and they brought a large crane. In all my wisdom I decided that letting the cat play outside wouldn't be a good idea since experiences in the past showed that she would probably end up on top of that crane or under one of the large concrete plates they where lifting with that crane.
So I locked her inside.
I got the kids ready for daycare, got dressed, put on my shoes, dropped them off at daycare and went to work. At the daycare I noticed a terrible piss smell and thought they should really clean better.
At the office I also noticed a terrible piss smell. I opened a window. It didn't go away. I slowly realized it might be me that was causing that smell. I smelled my clothes: nothing. My bag: nothing. I went to the toilet and found out I didn't pee myself. Then I checked my shoes. And found out that the cat had taken revenge for not being allowed to play outside by pissing on my shoes.
So then I spend my lunch break by walking bare footed to the shoe store to pick up some slippers. I had to wash my feet three times with soap in the toilets sink before the stink was reduced to acceptable levels. Also very happy that no-one at the daycare or at my office thought about informing me about the terrible smell that rose from my body.
Sorry this time my TIFU did include body fluids, although they came from a cat. Also, I hate my cat.
yellowtag: Solution, tape the shoes to the cat. They're his now.
courtoftheair: I love this so much.
| 3 | 22.666667 | |
1378424145 | 1378434850 | null | t5_2to41 | 42 | HydrofoilGoat: TIFU by missing the toilet
I had been hanging out with a friend of mine Friday night, and ended up driving his sister and cousin into the valley (clubbing suburb) so I didn't get home until about 1030 and I had work the next morning. I was just about to go to bed when another friend called and asked if I wanted to join them at the local pub for last drinks.
Stupidly I accepted. I walked to the pub, had a drink and a few smokes then went back to his place for some more drinks. I got very drunk there in a short period of time, then he brought out the bottle of tequila and poured everybody shots. Being the idiot I am, I said "I'll have the bottle!" and polished off the three or four shots that were left in it.
I took my leave and walked home (it was about 130 now), felt a bit funny but I didn't think I'd had too much. Got home, showered and lay down in bed. About ten seconds later it hit me, I leapt out of bed, sprinted into the bathroom, grabbed the toilet seat...
And threw up all over it. The toilet was covered and it was all over the walls. Luckily I barely got any on myself, so I cleaned up and went to bed.
Called in sick the next day, then went back to sleep. Mum came in about ten and woke me up, saying she thought I had work this morning. I told her I had called in sick, and that I had to go clean my toilet.
"Oh it's ok, I already cleaned it"
I felt so bad for her :(
TL;DR Drank too much, powerchugged all over my toilet, mum cleaned it up
Uzzumakii: Some flowers for your mum wouldn't hurt!
HydrofoilGoat: I should have :( This was a little while ago, I live out of home now.
shortfermata: Never too late! Could order some or ask other family to help buy them from you. Maybe 'I miss you and I appreciate the things you did for me' sort of a thing?
HydrofoilGoat: Well my brother took a really nice photo of them when they left for Europe, and I had that printed and framed when they got back :)
shortfermata: That is just as nice :)
| 6 | 7 | |
1378427424 | 1378484149 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,126 | Full_Of_Win: TIFU by bringing up the fleshlight during my Psychology of Sexuality class.
Today during my psych of sexuality class I made the mistake of bringing up what a fleshlight is. I ended up having to describe it because everyone was like 'uhhh a what light?'. I said something like "It's shaped like a large flashlight but its designed to be a fake vagina.' And my teacher was like 'Interesting, well, how do you use it?' I thought the answer was pretty obvious, so my immediate reply was "What? You flip it around and stick your dick in it." everyone laughed. Now everyone, even the teacher assumes I have one. After the lecture I asked the professor if she would like to see what one looked like and she said 'Yeah, if you don't mind bringing it into class.' Shocked by her response once again I fumbled to explain that I don't have one and what I ment by asking her that, was I had popped up a picture of one on my phone that she could see.
Impressed by it, she asked me to email her the link to the site.
I did it.
JustTrying2BAwesome: Who the hell doesn't know what a fleshlight is?!
Lefthandedsock: People who don't use the Internet the way you and I do.
Full_Of_Win: This was my exact thought after class.
ThatCrankyGuy: That's a lie. Everybody knows what a fleshlight is, you got setup OP.
TheLoveKraken: Do they? I only know what they are because of Reddit.
ThatCrankyGuy: Not everyone Reddits, it's true.
But everyone watches porn. Fleshlight had an extensive ad campaign in the early 2000's where if you watched porn, you'd also be humiliated by sexy girls in ads suggesting you ought to be piping your meat stick through a fleshlight at that moment.
TheLoveKraken: I'd like to dispute that everybody watches porn.
ThatCrankyGuy: You mean the folks in /r/nofap ? Somethere don't even last a week.
TheLoveKraken: No, I mean some people just don't watch porn because watching other people go at it doesn't really do much for them.
ThatCrankyGuy: Negligible minority.
TheLoveKraken: I wouldn't say so, it's just not normal to be vocal about things you have no interest in.
ThatCrankyGuy: While that statement is generally true, [I'll let the stats do the convincing](http://www.covenanteyes.com/pornstats/). (yes I know it's from a church, but other stats agree with it -- since it's visually appealing, I opted for it).
Those are indeed some numbers. Mind you, still, these numbers are people who *admitted* to the act of consuming porn. There maybe quite a gaping error rate on that one as people answer wrong in order to seem "normal".
| 13 | 86.615385 | |
1378429266 | 1378473256 | null | t5_2to41 | 38 | reddishpanda: TIFU by throwing away 6 hours of work in lab
I work in a lab that studies proteins and today I did a purification that takes half a day (some other proteins I work with take a lot longer). At the end I have a concentrated solution of protein, but to determine the concentration I have to use a test that involves a mix of chemicals collectively called Bradford reagent. I only needed a small sample of the protein for this test, since the Bradford reagent basically makes the protein useless once mixed together.
However, when I was setting aside a small amount of the Bradford reagent from my lab's stock bottle, I put it into the tube containing my protein instead of a separate tube.
tl;dr (for people in biological sciences): Mixed an entire purified protein prep with Bradford reagent instead of a small sample.
MurrayTempleton: Your story was so familiar that I had to pause and wonder if you're one of my colleagues. I worked with protein production using GMOs and it's always a long process of harvesting, acidifying, spinning, freezing/thawing, and usually binding with Nickel ion complex before testing concentration with spectrophotometry. I know just how risky that final, purified sample volume is and it can either be great if it retained the product, but also such a facepalm when I make a mistake. All the more reason to enforce the habit of continuously taking neat samples.
Edit: I mean who wants to run that gel anyways
[deleted]: Everyone does it.
The amount of times I have spaced on labelling tubes before they go into a centrifuge... aaand the whole weeks work gone.
| 3 | 12.666667 | |
1378460794 | 1378462228 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying meth for the second time
I tried it a few weeks ago and said I don't think I would do it again. Today I did it again. . . at night, and I have work tommorow at 6am. I can't sleep, i barely felt anything, and I am already thinking about when I will do it again.
I have been doing drugs for ages and always been extremely careful about them. I never felt addicted to anything. I always said I didn't like uppers and I felt like I didn't.
By doing it today I took 3 hits. . . and I wanted more. We already planned when I am going to do it next and I can't wait.
I didn't even feel much, just wasn't tired anymore, thats it. But now I just want to try it again.. . . and again . . . and again.
I knew I could handle my urge after the first time, but now I feel like I already fucked up and I know I am going to do it again.
I am going to try to keep my rule that I will NEVER pay for it, I just hope people don't give it to me too much.
Guys this is for all of you, even if you are a responsible drug user . . . DONT TRY METH.
Roncanator: Oh c'mon Jesse
[deleted]: Gatorade me Bitch!
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1378468016 | 1378589211 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | gaedikus: TIFU by posting a greentext screencap
I have a friend who I usually communicated with through a group chat on facebook whose 2-year-old son was just diagnosed with autism (they're not sure how severe or what exact type), and while perusing my reddit feed I saw a greentext story from 4chan, and I love greentext stories.
It was the one about the retarded kid trying to pass through the stopped train, while carrying his bike. The retarded kid gets stuck and tard-howls as the train starts driving away with him. I'm audibly laughing and decide to share it with the group.
My friend, not a minute later says "wtf"
I, not thinking, spout out "yeah well that's tards for ya", remaining oblivious to the fact his son was JUST DIAGNOSED with autism. He decides to log off very shortly after, seeing as it's a pretty sensitive subject for him.
another friend in the group who had laughed at the greentext initially, understood the situation and texted me offline saying basically "dude, we forgot anon's son has autism!"
i felt super bad about it, and have apologized a few times.
tl;dr shared a greentext tard story with my friend who has an autistic son (which i had forgot about), proceeded to ignorantly blurt out "that's tards for ya",
PotatoMusicBinge: That's what you get for being a dick
gaedikus: if i was a dick, i wouldn't have apologized or felt bad.
PotatoMusicBinge: You, a fully grown man, posted "that's tards for ya" on facebook. That is dickish behavior. Sounds like you feel bad that you got caught?
gaedikus: the chat was private with just my friends and i didn't blurt it to the world.
and let me be clear: i felt bad for offending him in his situation without realizing it. he has many hurdles in his future depending on the severity of his son's autism. my sense of humor includes that which might come from a greentext story that may or may not be true. retarded people are incredibly funny and entertaining, comedians use retarded personas/experiences all the time and it's funny.
* jeff dunham has a mentally handicapped puppet and people roar in laughter at his less than average intelligence.
* have you ever watched "The Ringer"? profiteering solely off of mentally handicapped/retarded people, and everyone laughed.
* christopher titus has his "inner retard" at his comedy shows, and everyone laughs at it
* [this was a popular website about a teacher's interaction with her "tards"](http://fullduplex.org/tardblog/)
* ralphie may talked about his retarded friend in high school who had a huge dick and masturbated in the middle of class, and impersonated him many times, and everyone laughed.
* there are many more examples of retards being funny (look at half of reddit), but i don't care to list them all to prove a point.
tl;dr retards are funny, im really not a dick (nor was that "dickish behavior"), stop being so oversensitive.
PotatoMusicBinge: >Retards are funny stop being so oversensitive
Is that how you apologised to your "friend"?
gaedikus: please leave. it's obvious you're just trolling.
>Is that how you apologised to your "friend"?
what a stupid thing to say.
PotatoMusicBinge: Sorry but your weak list of rationalisations really annoyed me. Especially that blog. What is that supposed to support? That everyone agrees with your "retards are funny" proposition? If that person is in fact a real teacher they would be immediately sacked if they were ever identified.
gaedikus: >Sorry but your weak list of rationalisations really annoyed me.
Too bad.
PotatoMusicBinge: Just accept that you're a dick
gaedikus: http://i.imgur.com/pWf8FdT.gif
PotatoMusicBinge: You don't seem to feel bad at all? All you're doing is trying to justify what you said. It really does seem you posted this expecting a lot of sympathy, and for us to tell you your friend overreacted.
gaedikus: > It really does seem
= "i have no hard evidence to back my claim and this is all conjecture and speculation"
| 13 | 1.461538 | |
1378466166 | 1378490036 | null | t5_2to41 | 854 | QueenPoopbutt: TIFU when my bf's farts triggered a period
I was driving down the street with my bf the other day, when he started to fart. He did it a few times, and I actually had to beg him to stop. "You can not stop THE BEAST!" he screamed before letting another fart.
I was overwhelmed. The stench of onions and sewage filled my poor car. The smell started to really get to me, and I began coughing. I coughed, and coughed.... aaaand the dam broke. I was on my period, and it seemed my coughing fit had brought on the crimson tide.
My driver's seat is ruined. He promised me that he'll roll down the windows from now on when he has a fart attack.
somerandomguy02: Is he 12?
FF6Kefka: This behavior is indicative of any male, ranging from age 12 to age 32. Source: I am a 23 year old male, and that was hilarious.
ScaredBabies: I'm 41 and find this absolutely hilarious.
AttackTribble: I'm pushing 50, and this is hilarious.
evilpinkfreud: Pushing 50 years old or pushing 50 year olds.
AttackTribble: Both.
evilpinkfreud: Ah, going for king of the middle aged?
AttackTribble: Still 17 at heart.
| 9 | 94.888889 | |
1378489233 | 1378600807 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,179 | thisisathrowawayomg: TIFU by sending my mom nude pics of myself.
I was hopping in the shower and decided I'd send some nice x-rated pictures to my long distance boyfriend. After the photo shoot, I sent the 5 best, most revealing, sexy images to the last person I texted, which I thought was my boyfriend. I forgot that I had texted my mom about going home this weekend and wound up sending them to her during her work day as a teacher.
Though I'm thoroughly embarrassed, I'm hoping we can both treat the situation like adults.
TLDR: Always check who you're sending pics to.
[deleted]: We need to bring back the MS Office paperclip guy.
"It looks like you're sending a picture of your twat to your mother. Would you like some assistance?"
SpongederpSquarefap: It would be the only time anyone would ever use it.
thunderchunky34: I cant wait for the day kyle does this and he tells the story on the podcast since he seems to do it so often lol. It has to happen sometime.
SpongederpSquarefap: Wrong sub
mcawkward: Wtf sub was he trying to find?
SpongederpSquarefap: /r/pka
mcawkward: Wtf is that place?
SpongederpSquarefap: It's a subreddit for the podcast on YouTube called Painkiller Already
mcawkward: Oh. Thanks
thunderchunky34: Every sub is the right sub for pka.
| 11 | 107.181818 |
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