start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1378501998 | 1378531859 | null | t5_2to41 | 95 | Spodyspaz: TIFU... With diarrhea... In a LOT of ways.
Sit down, kiddies, it's story time. I'm not using a throwaway... I'm going to accept my shame on this one. Background: I'm something like an electrician, and was working at an apartment complex at the time.
I'm working in this cable closet, which happens to be the security/janitors room. Janitor let's me in, but gets a call about a resident smoking in the hallway so he says he'll be back to lock up, do what I have to and bounce. OK, sounds good so far. I'm there to fix a problem with the wiring, so I go the panel and see a problem with one of the splice points. No biggy... *snip snip*
Then... It happened.
Bubble gut. Instantly I feel my gut start to swell with pressure, and I can feel my anus flexing. This came out of nowhere!
So, I fight it a bit because I already cut the lines and I'm *nowhere* near a bathroom. Figure I'll do this and go rush to find a McDonald's. Start prepping the wire and I suddenly start feeling like I'm going into labor, having contractions...
I know I can't hold it, it's now. I look for options (already embarrassed) and see I have two: the cable closet I'm working in, or the giant zip lock bag some of my equipment came in... Well, the closet will leave a lasting stink and surely I'd be caught and fired, so I go for the zip lock. I open that bitch, press it up against my ass cheeks hoping I'm covering the hole enough and no sooner does the plastic touch my skin than I can't hold it any longer - a geyser of molten shit comes shooting from my asshole! Thankfully, it all made it into the bag lol
I set the bag down for a second, realizing I have nothing to wipe with, and accept that I must sacrifice my boxers. Pull my pants up in shame and figure I'll stop at a bathroom and take care of this. Bright. Fucking. Red.
But... What's this? When I set the bag down... SHIT FELL OUT!
Yep. You read that right. SHIT comes tumbling out of the zip lock bag, onto the tile floor of the security/janitors room
I panic. Oh shit! It's shit!! What am I going to do???
I look around frantically for anything I can wipe it off the floor with. All I can find... A stack of parking tickets. I grab the stack and start scraping the shit up, shoveling it back into the bag. I get it all up and zip up the bag. Mind you, the floor is a new shade of yellow at this point, but it was the best I could do.
And then, I see it... A little bit of shit, on my finger. Well, instinctively I "shake it off" before the horror of my action allows me to realize what I've done...
That janitor is going to come back to find the floor of that room covered with the remains and stains of a yellowish diarrhea, along with some shit marks on the ceiling and walls.
I got the fuck out of there, went to McDonald's, cleaned myself up completely and ditched my boxers in the bathroom garbage.
poorchris: You carried your shit stained boxers with you to McD's? Why not toss em in the ziplock bag since they're being sacrificed anyway?
Where did the bag end up anyway?
Spodyspaz: It's not letting me edit my comment - nothing in the bag could be traced back to me so I dumped it in the first garbage I seen XD
PortalGunFun: DNA, man. They're onto you.
| 4 | 23.75 | |
1378503418 | 1378645925 | null | t5_2to41 | 80 | thegrammarunicorn: TIFU by leaving the window closed when I had a hot bath.
I’ve been feeling crap for the past few days because of an ear infection, so my sleeping pattern’s been stupidly inconsistent due to having a high temperature. I’m on antibiotics so it’s slowly getting better though.
So I woke up feeling crap, so decided to have a hot bath to see if it helped. I didn’t open the bathroom window because I didn’t want to be cold when I was running the bath and because I haven't learnt the lesson from the previous two times I've nearly fainted after having a hot bath.
So I had a bath, blah blah blah, and when I got out I stood up too quickly and my blood pooled. Due to the window being closed it was really hot and stuffy in the bathroom and I was getting less oxygen. I started losing vision and balance, and could feel my legs getting weak, but before I could sit down I fainted and on my way down I hit my head on the toilet seat (broke the seat off the hinge and got a mild concussion). When I tried to get up, I couldn't stand and stumbled again. This time I hit my leg on a cabinet and now have a very painful bruise in the same position as where my pockets sit, so now I can’t put things in my pocket without being in pain.
TL;DR – I broke the toilet with my head. Go on, read it. It’s funny.
Beagleeboo: Yes, you need to get checked out, since you hit your head, or at the very least, make sure someone who is with you, knows what happened. Just in case.
thegrammarunicorn: Yeah, my dad was downstairs at the time so I told him what had happened and just chilled on the sofa for a few hours.
I didn't go to the doctors/A&E to get checked out because a couple of months ago when I fell off a chair and got a moderate concussion (I'm very clumsy, although that one wasn't entirely my fault) I ended up waiting in A&E for two hours even though it was a "quiet period" and all they did was give me two ibuprofen, tell me to take it easy the next day, and a leaflet on what to look out for.
quasi-phryne: Just so you remember what to look for. Concussions are no joke, even mild ones. Did the leaflet mention psychological/emotional symptoms, or just eye tracking and the like?
| 4 | 20 | |
1378506212 | 1378618001 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,874 | 4giveMe4iHaveSinned: TIFU by watching porn before church.
This didn't happen today, but just this past Sunday. Before going to church, I decided to have a quick, innocent fap. Fast forward a few hours, and church is over. I'm still in church at this point, and decide to check my phone. Turned it on, and since the porn video was the last thing I watched, it's the first thing I see when I "un-standby" my phone. I'm shocked that I didn't close the tab after I finished, but I'm thankful that the video didn't somehow automatically replay for everybody to hear, and now I can just close the tab and delete my history. Nobody saw, so I'm in the clear, right? Nope. I have a Galaxy S4, and the "Close tab" button is right beside the "refresh" button. I accidentally hit the "refresh", and before I knew it, the sound of this girl taking it is blasting through the church, full blast. Time to find a new church to go to.
self_yelp: You're going to go blind masturbating to that tiny image on your phone.
Midnight_Gaze: The S4 is actually quite large.
LeetModule: 5 inches of bliss! Coincidentally that's what I call my penis.
Midnight_Gaze: It's bigger than most.
The phone, not your dick.
Full_Of_Win: I've got a droid DNA which is also quite large. My genetic DNA on the other hand..
a1c_djdiddles: dna on the other hand....
CuntSnatcheroo: Dna from the other hand..
Cornered_Animal: Semen.
Today_I_fucked_up: That's the first time I've ever upvoted an entire thread of comments. Beautifully done people. Have a nice day, and some comment karma.
Edit: I suck at grammar
| 10 | 187.4 | |
1378515096 | 1379536818 | null | t5_2to41 | 86 | TIFU_bad: TIFU by giving myself herpes
so I was fapping and had the smart Idea to use my own spit
so later I found sores on my dick and one in my mouth......ugh
ideas to help please
InsomnicGamer: You can't give yourself herpes unless you already had herpes!
TIFU_bad: since this is a throwaway I'll just say I'm still a virgin so I honestly don't know how I have them
Revelgoodpeople: Toilet seat, Drinking out of the same thing as some one with them, Eating the same thing as some one with them, Kissing, Giving / Receiving anal with out protection. Performing oral sex on a man / Woman with them.
Exchanging bodily fluids minus blood and mucus I think with some one who has them will give em to ya.
corbeeZ: im pretty sure you cant get herpes from a toilet seat.. :/ also, I believe sharing food/beverage and even kissing cant give you herpes.
I am not a doctor though. If you're right I'm literally never sharing food or drink again
Revelgoodpeople: [Sorry](http://www.huffingtonpost.com/thomas-p-connelly-dds/lip-balm-herpes_b_984665.html)
corbeeZ: i stand corrected
dralcax: I think a lot of males will be standing as well from now on...
| 8 | 10.75 | |
1378509724 | 1378525882 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | anonpothead: TIFU my roommate.
It was around 3am, we were throwing a party at home and i went to my room to get some weed, thing is my room is upstairs second door on the hall.
Door was open and lights were on, just like i left it, but as i walk in i see my roommate with a girl on his bed almost ripping off each other clothes (my roommate's bed is in a blind spot that you can only see it when you're inside the room). Like it wasn't awkward enough i also say "you two don't mind me, im just getting the weed", at that point my roommate already know his night was ruined, he and the girl just sit on the bed and he says "now you stay and smoke with us".
We smoked a joint and i went downstairs knowing how inconvenient i was.
Revelgoodpeople: Naw, He still probably got some. Weed makes some people horny AF
anonpothead: I don't think so. Two minutes after i went downstairs they came too, they didn't say a thing but their eyes said "you should feel guilty".
YourCurvyGirlfriend: That's their fault, not yours
| 4 | 8.5 | |
1378516998 | 1378610125 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | Camdor5: TIFU by stepping on cardboard.
My wife had thrown a box into the kitchen saying nothing. I went "Well shit, I can break this. No big deal." So *stomp* I smashed the damn thing under my foot. Two reasons I did this, to clarify:
1) I get to break something
2) We had a tiff moments earlier and (repeat reason 1.)
She lunges into the doorway and asks "Was that necessary?"
"Yes, it was." **Wrong answer**! She begins chewing me out about how I don't respect anything in the house; and how she is surprised we haven't been evicted. The sad part is, shit like this happens all the time; and I am the one who ends up having to apologise.
Tl;Dr: The wife thinks I have no respect for anything, because I crushed a box.
[deleted]: Just call her an asshole and walk away.
Or, look in her eyes and say 'what's up babe?' According to Louis CK you guys will be doing anal in moments.
Camdor5: I got anal last night actually. Louis CK was 100% correct.
[deleted]: http://replygif.net/i/1263.gif
Camdor5: http://i.imgur.com/bxHzi.gif
| 5 | 3.8 | |
1378522433 | 1378618624 | null | t5_2to41 | 130 | Cyanide03: TIFU by answering a rhetorical question from my grandpa
So I went to see my grandparents with my mom at a resort-like retirement villa. It was a wonderful place with lots of beautiful scenery and activities for the seniors to do with visiting relatives.
We ordered our food at the restaurant there and started catching up on things. While dining on some not-so-well cooked shrimp scampi, my grandfather (who is developing Alzheimer's) asks a question.
"Bet you've never seen so many old people in one place"
Instead of just saying "no", my brain immediately responds with something you DON'T say around seniors. Especially at the volume I decided to use.
"Well, I LIVE near a cemetery and old people are pretty common there"
Followed by a long, awkward silence from all 4 of us. My 80-something year old Grandparents acting like nothing happened, my mom staring at me, disgusted, and me just staring stupidly at the way my napkin matches the tablecloth.
TL;DR- I mentioned a cemetery around my grandparents instead of just shutting my mouth like I should've.
exoxe: May I ask how old you are and hope that you're young enough to grow out of this? :)
Today_I_fucked_up: Grow out of what? That was funny as fuck. People shouldn't grow out of humor.
| 3 | 43.333333 | |
1378525949 | 1379653399 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | notalurker99: TIFU by Having Envy
TIFU while playing League of Legends when one of a friend (whom I happen to have a huge crush on)'s friends started saying that he liked her. I flipped my shit, caused a scene, and more than likely lost a good friend because of it. So far, she's blocked me on Skype and Facebook and unfriended me on LoL.
TL;DR: Flipped a shit when I found out likes the same girl I do. Pissed her off and won't see her again for a bit.
**Update:** She unblocked me, we're talking now. Apparently the other guy in this story freaked her out, and now I'm somehow the good guy in this.
myatomsareyouratoms: Usually people say 'jealousy' when they mean 'envy'. You said 'envy' when you meant 'jealousy'.
notalurker99: I couldn't figure out how to spell it and didn't want to seem dumb.
myatomsareyouratoms: One oughtn't hesitate in using a dictionary. It's the easiest thing when online - http://dictionary.reference.com/. Thesaurus.com is an excellent resource too.
drifter15: Googling a word that you are unsure how to spell works for me.
myatomsareyouratoms: In fact, that's probably often the most reliable way to find the correct spelling. Misspelling something in the online dictionary often returns no correct suggestions.
drifter15: works unless even google can't figure out what you mean. My neighbor can't spell to save his life. He has constantly asked me when I am at home how to spell something and I will usually pull up the internet and let him try first. In my opinion, the harder you try, the better you will learn. I have seen some pretty horrible spell attempts and he usually gets it, but twice I have seen google come up with no suggestions.
| 7 | 2.428571 | |
1378526542 | 1378600446 | null | t5_2to41 | 188 | Burnt_it_bad: TIFU by cooking my hotdog.
Ok, this just happened. Today is the first day I've had my new apartment all to myself, away from all my other flatmates. So like any rational person, I've been doing everything in the nude all day. I then proceeded to do what most lonely guy's do when they're by themselves...
But I had forgotten that I put the kettle on to boil. When I hear the kettle whistling right in the middle of me taking care of business, I immediately jump up to go take it off. Now, I'm not exactly sure how my junk go that close to the stove, but the next thing i hear is a nice sizzling sound. At this point I start to yell, even before the pain.
So now, here I am; with a bag of ice in hopes that it will numb the pain. So far, its not working too well.
LaurieRie: I'm definitely a little late, but when you sustain a burn, you should run it under cool water first (for about ten minutes or so). That'll make the swelling go down and it'll hurt less. Ice could make the damage worse.
At least, according to the American Red Cross.
But I really hope you don't anticipate this happening again.
Grubert: Good advice in theory, but getting his dick under the bathroom sink is easier said than done.
Bathtub a bit easier.
Both would likely have him falling over.
Cool (not cold) running water is the best thing you can do for an immediate dry-burn.
LaurieRie: >Cool (not cold) running water is the best thing you can do for an immediate dry-burn.
Isn't that what I said? No?
In any case, yes, that's an excellent point, running your dick under the sink sounds quite dangerous. Maybe don't do it that way.
Grubert: > At least, according to the American Red Cross.
Made it sound like you were unsure of yourself, so I replied to reinforce that you had the correct course of action.
LaurieRie: Ah, yes. Thanks! I appreciate it.
I think we've all learned a very valuable lesson about what to do about hot dog burns. The beauty of random advice on the internet.
| 6 | 31.333333 | |
1378579536 | 1378654842 | null | t5_2to41 | 66 | myshoesarecool: TIFU (a year ago) By going to play practice
About a year ago I was a part of the stage construction/ stage crew for my schools fall play. During the play the people in stage crew could stay there or go home. I was gonna go home, but then the director said I would need to fill in for some missing actors. Right here is where it fucks up. I have a female friend I have always kinda had a crush on, well I was sitting against a wall talking to some of the other guys in stage crew. Well she comes over and lays her head on my thigh, which I kinda got aroused from her doing that, and then her cue came up for her to get on stage. So she left, she came back about 5 minutes later and laid her head on my thigh again. she unzipped her sweatshirt a little bit and I could see her cleavage slightly, which got me even more aroused. She left again and came back, and did the same thing. This time she was fixing her hair and she set her hair tie on my leg, when she needed her hair tie again she started feeling around for it, her hand went up, and up, and up, then she touched my dick. And I came. As soon as she touched it. She knew she touched my dick, but I don't think she knew I got off from it. I left as soon as I could after that.
TL;DR I had a crush on a girl, she touched my dick through my jeans on accident and I ejaculated.
GeddyLeeIsNotMyLover: Based on the story, it kinda sounds like she's into you, so there's that...
But if she discovered that you're Quick Draw McGraw that might have changed already.
Oh wait this was a year ago...did anything happen??
myshoesarecool: As much as I hate to say so, no, nothing happened between us afterwards, we kissed once about 3 months later, but thats it. And I told her that I came when she touched it. To my surprise she didn't even know I did at the time, ruined that for me
1800Redcross: >And I told her that I came when she touched it.
Too smooth, OP
| 4 | 16.5 | |
1378606872 | 1378627221 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,955 | ktrcoyote: TIFU buying weed from a dispensary.
This is one of the few times I will ever say "this should be illegal" in context to Marijuana...
Last night I drove to a dispensary I've never been to. I bought the weed and was about to leave when the guy behind the counter tells me:
"Since this is your first time here, you get a free dap of Hash!"
Without thinking too much -if at all- about it I took a MASSIVE bongrip of straight hashish, because how can you say 'no' to free, right?
**I've never been so completely fucked up in my life.**
By the time I get out the door, I rocketed to a [7]. One block later I'm siting in my car blankly staring at the gas gauge. I was about to drive off through city traffic while verging on [10.]
I didn't know what to do! I couldn't drive and I was stuck in a unfamiliar part of town. So I got out of my car and decided to walk it off. The paranoia set in and I automatically assumed every person walking towards me was going to rape, rob or shank me. Features on people's faces were becoming exaggerated and almost cartoonlike. Cars driving by would disappear before my brain could register the visual information. It was like my mind was on a 2 second delay.
I ended up hiding in an In-in-Out for about 2 hours trying not to hyperventilate. I then wandered around for another hour because I got completely lost trying to find my car.
To top it all off, when I finally got to my car there was a 70 dollar ticket for an expired meter.
FML
Retrospective Note: I'm an idiot and it was my decision, but dispensaries shouldn't be allowed to give out free samples, especially things like hash bongrips. It's like a liqueur store giving away free shots of Everclear before you drive home.
thebornotaku: Giving people bong rips *at* the dispensary is a pretty stupid idea.
At least you only got a ticket and some paranoia, when I still smoked I would occasionally appear at random places with my car and no fucking recollection of how I got there. Like Lowe's one day.
scrndude: Jesus, I wish I had some of whatever you were smoking
VisualizeWhirledPeas: I wish you did too. And I wish you don't drive afterwards.
Sureiyaa: No, no. Driving high is perfectly fine. In fact, you probably drive better high!
At least, that's what I read on /r/trees .
*edit* Really? I mean, I tried my best to make the sarcasm painfully obvious.
kiccups: no
MrSocialClub: CNN did a segment on this. The three drivers were more cautious while high (at three different levels of highness) than when sober. Someone has a link somewhere. The only negative thing about them driving high was one of them went under the speed limit too much.
AxeManActual: Drunk drivers usually drive slow and cautiously. The problem is that it negatively effects your judgment and motor skills. This is the dumbest post of the night. This is stupid.
MrSocialClub: Drunk driving is bad because your brains signals to the rest of your body are literally being blocked. That's what alcohol does. THC, however, does no such thing. And I'm pretty sure drunk drivers don't drive cautiously or slowly. You're right, that was the stupidest post of the night.
AxeManActual: Jesus, now I've seen everything. A defense of driving while high. It's one thing to support the legalization of weed. It's another to pretend it can't be harmful. Yes, the surest sign of a drunk driver is someone not moving at a stop sign, driving well below the speed limit, or someone stopping often or driving paranoid. Have you been to driver's ed? Regardless, this isn't really an argument about alcohol. Nor is it an argument about being drunk. You're dumb and irresponsible if you advocate anything but sobriety behind the wheel of a car. Weed can absolutely fuck with your ability to drive well.
MrSocialClub: I have been to drivers ed! And I'm going to go ahead and say that the surest sign when some is driving drunk is probably swerving between lanes. I'm not saying it's perfectly safe, I didn't say that anywhere. I am however saying there are some misconceptions about it that people should know about.
jcannon98188: I'm not taking a side either way, but MrSocialClub is right about the surest sign of someone being drunk is swerving lanes. I have never thought "That man must be drunk!" because they were driving slow or sitting at a stop sign. I always think "get off the road grandma" or "pay attention!".
| 12 | 162.916667 | |
1378609675 | 1378887927 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | knucklesmatt: TIFU by throwing up in my friend's mouth.
So my friends and I went to Venice Beach and we all got fairly high. I have a lowest tolerance of all my smoking buddies, so when we were finished, they were all good, but I was feeling quite dizzy. As we were leaving, I started feeling worse and worse in the car ride and I felt as if my skin was melting and the car was going at light speeds. All of this lead to my mind telling me "I need to fucking throw up right now", so I obliged, but thought, hey it would be a great idea to roll down the window first before throwing up. Sounds great right? Nope, turns out throwing up while on the freeway with the window open causes the barf to come flying back in and hitting the person sitting behind you. Everyone in the car got a little damage from my vile, but my friend sitting behind me had it the worst. After we had gotten back she told me that it had gotten in her mouth.
TLDR: Threw up while on the freeway with the window open, only to have it come back into the car and go into my friend's mouth.
moneyballshma: Almost sounds like a Family Guy gag
knucklesmatt: Haha, maybe if my friend threw up into someone else's mouth and so on.
| 3 | 8 | |
1378624186 | 1378705241 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | barkingbaritone: TIFU by drinking POM.
My girlfriend told me that people usually drank it on cleanses and that it cleaned you out pretty well in no time... I mean, I mostly believed her but I took a big swig of it and by an hour later was Niagara falls out of my ass in the toilet. Good Lord, have mercy.
aspmaster: I have never gotten that effect.
Musicmantobes: Neither have I.
JohnnyWink: I concur. It is delicious and way too expensive.
whatudontlikefalafel: I water mine down significantly to make myself feel better about paying so much for a bottle.
| 5 | 5.2 | |
1378626332 | 1378709396 | null | t5_2to41 | 57 | DreadPiratesRobert: TIFU my army career.
So, It wasn't today, but today is when I realized it.
Last year I joined the army national guard. I wanted to be an officer, but I couldn't afford school (my dad could have, but I didn't want to use his money for whatever reason) I got a 97 on the ASVAB (that's pretty damn high, if you didn't know), and had my pick of any job in the army. I chose to be a truck driver (the score needed was below the score needed for joining)
Then I got to basic. For me it was super easy, except the physical part. I could not do a single pushup. I was a great leader and a better shot, but I could not push my body off the ground in a military manner to save my life.
Halfway through they told me it was clear I wasn't graduating. They said if I stuck through the rest they would send me to a fitness camp afterwards, where I would basically work out until I could pass the physical test. I declined on grounds that I wanted to go to college. So I left the army with an entry level separation. I was also the skinniest (and sexiest) I've ever been in my life.
I went to college, and instead of taking "real" classes, I took an EMT class. After that semester I came home, intending to work as an EMT.
Here I am, a year after basic training. 50 pounds heavier, working as a security guard (can't drive professionally until I'm 21 generally), and taking random college classes at my community college (not even Gen eds)
I fucked up.
mishakaz: You're still young and you can pull out of it. You're not even 21 yet! You have all of your twenties to get on track and you only need a year or less to really get moving on it.
DreadPiratesRobert: Thanks for the kind words. And I kinda know that, but it's really frustrating seeing where all my army buddies are and im sitting here with a shitty job living in my parents house.
Plus now I have to tell my employers I was in the army, and didn't get an honorable discharge, which is a death sentence for getting hired by any veteran.
I know I can an will change this, I've just been making bad decisions the entire time I've been an adult.
mishakaz: I'm 27 living with my parents with no degree and no job, I wish I was in your shoes.
DreadPiratesRobert: I'm sorry to hear that. Not to sound like a hypocrite, but what's stopping you from improving?
mishakaz: Working on it! But I wish I could redo my 20s, you know? Make different choices in college.
DreadPiratesRobert: I know exactly how you feel. If I could start about midway through senior year of high school I would do everything better.
I'd probably fuck it up again, but I'd appreciate the chance haha
| 7 | 8.142857 | |
1378646854 | 1378728737 | null | t5_2to41 | 0 | BeerInTheBabySeat: TIFU by cutting off my daughter's gerbil's penis when I was trying to chop up ham.
I told her it was the umbilical cord.
Stop_Being_A_Creep: ..How do you not notice a gerbil running onto a cutting board you're using?
BeerInTheBabySeat: There was something in my eye, and I was focusing mainly on the ham so I could get thick slices.
Writer_: >There was something in my eye
Classic excuse. Reddit doesn't get fooled easily, and will not be with this.
BeerInTheBabySeat: There was something on my eye
Looks like Reddit can't even translate my response
| 5 | 0 | |
1378634576 | 1378852904 | null | t5_2to41 | 52 | davver: TIFU on my first day at work
So today was my first day at work. I was told to be there at 8:00am. Naturally, I didn't want to fuck up and be late, so I went to bed early and got some sleep so I can get up at 6:50am and get there earlier. You know, just in case something happens.
I wake up at 6:50 this morning, I take a nice hot shower and get ready slowly just because I've got so much time. At 7:15am, my boss calles me and asks me why I'm not at work yet. I tell her it's only 7:15, and that she told me to be there at 8...
She then proceeds to tell me that it's 8:15am right now because of daylight savings time.
Apparently, my country decided to extend daylight savings time by a month and a half or something. Being on reddit all day, I didn't even know this happened, so my phone's clock decided to move itself an hour backwards.
Needless to say, I was ~30 minutes late to my first day at work.
**TL;DR: Daylight savings time is fucking retarded.**
Fgmaniac: I'm sure if your boss is rational, she will understand. Daylight savings time always messes up arrangements with me, and usually people understand. As long as it isn't a time-sensitive job, where you'd be letting a lot of people down and causing a major inconvenience (life-guarding, teaching, childcare) just do overtime for a couple days to apologize, and you should be able to smooth things over with the boss.
Tell us how it works out!
davver: She understood (apparently I wasn't the only one) and she's actually really cool!
afonsanho: Ah that's nice!
| 4 | 13 | |
1378662233 | 1378712989 | null | t5_2to41 | 119 | [deleted]: TIFU by putting it in her pooper
so me and my girlfriend were getting hot and heavy last night and things were going great, until i bent her over. we were going at it, both about to get off and i stuck it in her butt. let me rephrase that, i didn't stick it in her butt. i like battering rammed her butthole open with my dick to the point that she shot straight back up to her feet and said "i'm done". Amidst ramming her, my meat member came out for a split second and when i had thrust it back in, she suffered greatly. She's not upset or anything, i suppose a little butt hurt, but that's it.
TL;DR: was ramming girlfriend, stuck it in her pooper.
AppleSpicer: "both about to get off" oh I'd never forgive you for replacing that sweet, sweet feeling with pain.
DyslexicPuppy: yeah she told me afterwords she was about to like REALLY get off and i felt so bad. like all that build of excitement for me to just slam it in her back door.
123redredred: Yeah, it's not the putting her through pain part that really sucked.
| 4 | 29.75 | |
1378665110 | 1378701543 | null | t5_2to41 | 138 | ScroogeMcDuckII: TIFU by making a terrorist threat
okay, first of all this an old story and I just thought this would be the perfect place to tell it. This happened in high school, as everything does.
So I used to take the school bus home from school, and the bus ride was the best part of the day, because me and my friends were always up to something stupid, there are many bus stories I could tell you, but let's focus on this one. So as per usual me and my friends are being idiots and nobody on the bus really cares because they're used to it. You see I realize now that I didn't make this decision consciously, but rather it was inspired from a memory deep in my subconscious. A long time ago, I watched the movie Speed with Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock, (yeah you know exactly where this is going) so for some reason I thought I would re-enact the events of the most memorable scene in my opinion. So we were driving down a really busy road in my city, and we always sat at the back of the bus so here's what I did. I got a piece of paper (from what I remember, this is the only writing I did all day) and a sharpie and wrote quite clearly; HELP! BOMB ON BUS! yeah, I did that, guess what else i'm an indian guy. Fucking perfect right, now in my defence every car that saw the sign laughed at it because they saw me making the dumbest face ever and all my friends laughing and joking, but then there was this one blonde (hair color has no relevance, just painting a picture) that was probably having a bad day or something because she didn't laugh, matter of fact instead of going where she was headed, she followed the bus all the way to my bus stop, she waited until she saw me get up to get out of her car. Up until this point me and my friends were joking around but when the black Honda Civic door opened the laughter stopped and i heard a "you're fuuucked" in unison. whatever. before I can even get off of the bus she climbs onto the the bus, and I shit you not, these are her exact words, you wouldn't forget them either.
BLONDE LADY: "Is everyone alright?"
EVERYONE: "yeeah...."
BLONDE LADY: "is there a bomb on the bus?"
SCROOGE: *facepalm* x9000
she then proceeds to tell the bus driver, who already hates my guts, that I am a threat to national security and need to be dealt with. This led to my suspension; 1 week from school, 1 month from the bus. the ass kicking I got....oh man, don't even get me started.
TL;DR put a sign that said 'bomb on bus' on the back window of my school bus, and a crazy white bitch followed me to my stop to save the day.
Vigilax: >threat to national security
What a bitch...
Fgmaniac: Yeah, you should have blown the bus up just to teach her a lesson.
EDIT: Weird, some white vans are parked next to my house, pretty weird.
EDIT2: Hey reddit, is it suit and tie day or something? Bunch of guys just chilling around my neighborhood in suits. Is it just me?
EDIIT3: Is this like some new religion? They're knocking on my door like a couple of Jehovah's witnesses, should I go check it out? Probably not... But it seems like so much fun! I'll record my conversation and try to post it, see you soon reddit!
007ghg7: if your post was an edit it would have a star next to the post date
edit: now it should have one
epsy: Who cares? It's a joke comment.
Fgmaniac: Weird though, the first edit was added in, but I actually edited the other two in case the joke wasn't "matured enough". Maybe it's because I didn't refresh the page before editing?
epsy: You're granted somewhere between 3 and 5 minutes to edit your post without getting the edit star.
Today_I_fucked_up: This is because nine times out of ten you will fuck up your grammar and not realize it until you've already posted. Good guy reddit.
| 8 | 17.25 | |
1378674395 | 1378678935 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | bigwag91: TIFU: talking to a girl
Little bit of background: Winter 2013 college semester i started to fall for this girl that i meet through a mutual friend. fast forward to a week after school gets out, she goes home for the summer and i start working third shift, gotta make the money, so she breaks up with me. a week later she starts going out with her friend from back home who she "wanted to go out before but didn't want to get into a LD relationship, but its cool now because this year he will be going to a local community college that is near the college we go to."
OK, now back to today, yesterday ex-gf wants to hang out for a bit as we are going to try to just be friends as there wasn't much relationship before we broke up. So i hang out with her and the old feelings resurface in me, time to GTFO and have some whiskey.
so today i went to football tailgating at the college i go to, hot greek little sister walks up with her friend "hey bigwag91, this is my friend hotgurl, blah blah blah, she just got out of a two year relationship. she is just looking to hang out. had i not been thinking about last night (or maybe the hangover of today) i would have seen this as a total green light on hotgurl. later hotgurl is talking to me alot giving little hints that i should have noticed but i couldn't muster myself together enough to take these hints and lay some moves on hotgurl.
Later on i ended up having to go up to here and apologize for acting like a complete idiot in front of her and we got to talking. ex lovers, friends, interests, etc, etc. the ex lovers part was the worst cause after talking for 45-60 minutes she looks and me and goes "you will find someone, don't worry" but gives major hints that i missed my chance.
TL;DR: Ex-gf used me as a place holder, shit on my heart, hung out with me yesterday, and stuck in my head today when i could have done something with hotgurl.
P.S. "today" is actually yesterday
Edit: it's still 2013, was hoping it was closer to my graduation
Wolliver: What year is it?
bigwag91: fuck, my mistake 2013
| 3 | 1 | |
1378675732 | 1378740739 | null | t5_2to41 | 83 | sukit_tribeck: TIFU Tried to gas the fleas, almost gassed the cat.
This just happened. So i have an indoor outdoor cat that's my best friend. Normally he spends all day outside, so when I went to flea bomb I forgot to check his favorite cupboard. SO I hold my breath, run through the place, reach my hand in and get a big handful of cat. I grab him and sprint out the door. Still breathing and very displeased with me, though he seems to be OK. I'm sitting outside babysitting him to make sure.
Update: It's been a couple hrs, he seems to be ok, no throwing up or muscle spasms. I did some research on the active ingredient and it isn't extremely toxic to mammals. A this point I am wondering how well the stuff works at all. When I picked up the empty box I wedged into the cat door to keep gas in and cat out a spider popped out from under a flap. [This Fucking Spider](http://i.imgur.com/IQXZh9m.jpg) to be exact. Yes that's a quarter, yes before I squished the fucker it looked a lot bigger. Either way it had't killed that fucker yet. (Though it does appear he was trying to escape his well deserved gassy death.) Anybody know how long it takes a spider to get that big? I don't. Don't wanna know. That fucker has obviously been living here a long time... He needed to go.
[deleted]: If the cat starts drooling or making unusual muscle movements I would take it to the vet ASAP. I would observe that cat for 24hrs [cat carrier etc--or trap in bathroom].
***Also give the cat a full bath ASAP the cat my lick the poison off its fur --thus a delayed reaction.***
sukit_tribeck: Thank you for the info. He acted a little dizzy at first but I think that was mostly from being jerked awake then held tight to my chest for the sprint through the house. It's been two and a half hrs and he seems to be acting fine. He wasn't in an area where the mist could have fallen on him thankfully. (He was deep in the back of a cupboard, where you can't even see if you tried, gotta just reach in and feel for fur.)
strawberry36: > gotta just reach in and feel for fur.)
and claws reaching out to gore your hands to pieces.
sukit_tribeck: Nah, he saves that for when he's sitting in my lap. Besides, he didn't have time to protest. By the time he figured out what was going we were back outside.
strawberry36: My cat saves her claws for when she's in a playful mood and has herself either literally wrapped around my ankle or my wrist.
Good to know your kitty didn't unleash its wrath on you while still inside!
sukit_tribeck: I agree! I have had cat's like that (most actually) but this is more lack of paw control. He was terrible as a kitten and seemed to constantly have his claws out and would always be digging into me. Now that he's older and has learned to hunt he's better at it. If I scratch him right above his tail he kinda goes derp, likes the air and throws his head around, digging his claws in all the while. It's cute enough I put up with the searing pain.
strawberry36: Haha that's hilarious!! The thing with my cat though, is, I think it's my fault she has a lack of paw control (I'm stealing that saying from you. Hope you don't mind, because it's hilarious). She didn't used to so much when she was a kitten, but I used to needle her all the time, trying to get her to be more playful with me. Now she does it both as a reflex *and* when she plays. Dratted learned behavior. lol
Mainly she does it when I scratch her belly and she doesn't expect it. Or sometimes she'll randomly flop over and propel herself toward my ankle (like, she'll latch hold with a single claw and drag herself toward me).. She's also been known to randomly attack my ankle or wrist when I just have one set, resting on the floor... I'll see the butt-wiggle and know I'm in for it.
| 8 | 10.375 | |
1378683486 | 1378688251 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | Hammeredmantis: TIFU by letting my roommates mom see me stoned.
I feel horrible right now, she is probably getting a boatload of shit thrown her way for living with a stoner and gods knows what they are saying about me. Normally I just stay in my mancave when I do this but I was feeling sociable and thought I had my poker face on but I did not and know I need to figure out what to do if shit really really hits the fan and her parents decide that they don't want her living with me anymore or something extreme like that.
I don't think that will happen because my roomy has been nothing but awesome about my habits and I have always made sure not to do it if I could possibly bug/annoy someone during the day in fear of a negative reaction but I dunno, I feel this soul crushing guilt right now, no idea what to do freaking out. Roomy if you see this and are having to deal with shit, I am sorry, I am so fucking sorry, I will fix this somehow but I am sorry.
[deleted]: Did the mom say anything, are you sure she knew? Also, it was dumb for sure, but it is your house, not her mothers. You are allowed to do that in your own house, you don't go into your house and judge her for her bad habits. Is your roommate in a lease with you?
Hammeredmantis: I am sure she knew, she has been my best friend since highschool, so I have known her parents for just as long, her mom acted fairly cool about it to my face, but her immediate change in attitude once she realized I was baked was a dead giveaway, and like I said to Frazzled, I really feel that my habits should not affect others in a negative way, and that falls into the negative category.
[deleted]: That's a really mature way of looking at it. As a non-pot smoker I love having roommates like you, I don't care if you smoke, just don't make me have to smell it every day etc. But in this case the bottom line is you were in your house, and yes her mom might have been uncomfortable/ surprised but that doesn't mean that she has a right to judge you harshly for being in that state in your house, especially since you said below your roommate could have left you a note. I'm assuming in that case you were unaware ahead of time they were coming and you would have changed your plans if you were aware. Even if that is not the case, like I said you were in your own house. As for your roommates parents deciding that they no longer want her living with you well there's a lot more to consider in a living partner than that and I'm sure they will take that into consideration. Also based on the fact that you have known them for years I doubt they would want to screw you over with a lease etc. Just give it time, talk to your roommate later, and eventually it will blow over and be a funny story :)
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1378685919 | 1378782251 | null | t5_2to41 | 627 | ncergnul: TIFU by cleaning my Macbook keyboard
So today I looked online and everyone made it seem really simple to pop off the keys on the Macbook Pro, that I decided to do that myself to clean under them. I pop off 13 keys before I realize that they are not going back on all the way and aren't attaching to the right side. I have to take the thing into the Mac store and have new risers put under 7 keys. Those stores are expensive, by the way. Do not try to do it without the right tools!
JustLetMeComment: http://www.replacementlaptopkeys.com/
ncergnul: Dammit... Why didn't I ask Reddit first!?
JustLetMeComment: Because the hivemind would yell at you for buying a Mac in the first place.
Lonelan: I mean, that was his original fuck up anyway
Clairvoyant_Legacy: (n) edgy (n+2) me
power_of_friendship: (n) edgy (2n) me*
Clairvoyant_Legacy: that means that id n = 3, it would be 3 edge 6 me
if n = 4, 4 edgy 8 me
yo equation's wrong, yoooo
Octopus_Tetris: Well, the same can be said for the other equation, the n+2 one. Put in n=3 and you'll get 3 edgy 5 me. It only works with 2, and so does /u/power_of_friendship 's.
Clairvoyant_Legacy: I was going on the assumption that people do say things like 4 edgy 6 me and 7 edgy 9 me because I've seen it done that way where the second number is always just 2 more than the first.
power_of_friendship: I usually see 4 edgy 8 me so I went with that.
| 11 | 57 | |
1378689514 | 1378749514 | null | t5_2to41 | 59 | [deleted]: TIFU: by standing too close to a bull.
So today was the last day of the county fair and me and a few friends decided to give it a go. After walking around for awhile checking out what there is to do we walk through the barn and see the animals. We stopped in front of the bullpen. The head of the bull was over the fence and you could easily touch him. I was leaning against the fence a few feet from the massive head talking to my friend when I got knocked the fuck out. When I came too i couldn't remember what had happened but I could assume what had happened. I got myself checked out and luckily it's just a minor concussion.
Tl;dr: got knocked the fuck out by a bull at the fair.
functor: [You're not good with animals, are you?](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1ghm3l/tifu_by_touching_an_electric_wire_in_a_lion/)
[I have you tagged as 'fucks up a lot'](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1kdx53/tifu_by_mowing_the_neighbors_lawn/). [I don't think I've ever seen this many TIFUs from one person.](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1glf2b/tifu_by_falling_off_a_roof_onto_a_moose_and/)
exoxe: Momma ain't raise no fool! Oh wait, I take that back...
| 3 | 19.666667 | |
1378695251 | 1378859919 | null | t5_2to41 | 37 | [deleted]: TIFU by tickling my girlfriend.
I got bored as my gf was on her computer and decided it was time for a tickle attack. turns out not stopping when she told me to brought back some traumatic memories for her, and she dumped me. The tickling only lasted about 5 minutes.
depricatedzero: well, shit on her for not being willing to talk to you about it or, apparently, warning you that this was a potential issue
Szunai: It's incredibly hard to explain ANYTHING when being tickled, surprisingly. And why would you inform anyone of how tickling is a traumatic thing for you? It's not like you expect to be assaulted like that. 5 minutes? I think I'd do more than just dump whoever did it. And I don't even have traumatic memories related to tickling.
depricatedzero: My SOs have historically known my damage so when I get weird they know what happened. If he didn't know her damage that's on her, not him. She didn't communicate and chose, instead, to run away like a fuckin coward rather than deal with it. Perhaps the relationship was too new for them to have had that discussion, or she just wasn't worth dating. Either way, if a memory of a bad situation causes her to drop everything and run away, how would she hold up in an emergency? Not well. So fuck her, OP is better off.
Szunai: I really don't understand how five minutes of tickling can be considered okay under any circumstances, I'd rather get beaten. But it goes under the same category: domestic abuse. Why would you put up with that?
depricatedzero: I actually expect 5 minutes was an exaggeration. At 5 minutes literal I expect he'd be getting his ass beat. I imagine maybe 5 minutes of him *trying* to or wrestling and what he thought was playing. OP! Weigh in?
| 6 | 6.166667 | |
1378695274 | 1378905725 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,287 | SnowWhiteGoth: TIFU and looked racist by farting
So this actually happened two years ago, but whatevs. I still fucked up.
I was at the gas station late one night, about to buy $20 in gas and a Snickers. I got talking to the guy at the register, because work was slow that night, and he was cuuuuuuute.
He failed to get the register open and went in the back to ask his manager. I saw this as a great opportunity to let a fart I'd been holding back. I went to the other side of the station, looked around, and saw that the coast was clear.
(◕‿◕✿)< Toooooot~
"FUCK!!"
I jumped out of my skin!! I turned around, and this time, I looked down. I saw a.... I guess the PC term is "little person." He was hood as hell, too. Gold chains, tatts, everything.
"That was WRONG. That was NOT. EVEN. RIGHT."
I was just... in shock. This guy came out of nowhere, and here I was, looking like I deliberately ripped ass in his face. He went on a rant about how I was racist, and how hard it is to be short in the hood. I tried to apologize, but he was hearing none of it. He don't need no cracker-ass ho lettin' poots up in his grill.
There weren't many people in the store, but they were staring right the fuck at me. Look at this evil bitch, farting on black midgets. The cute cashier came back. Oh God no, I can't let him know that I fart.
"Excuuuse me!" the lowercase g yelled to the cashier. "This girl-"
Before he could finish, I took off running. I bolted to my car and drove to the gas station down the road, where I was careful not to poot on anyone.
**TL;DR** Tried to pick up a cute guy but farted in a dwarf's face.
rocketshipotter: The (◕‿◕✿) face really sells it.
Lojak_Yrqbam: I can't see it
charliebeanz: Open your eyes wider.
Lojak_Yrqbam: It's little squares
charliebeanz: Clean your glasses.
Lojak_Yrqbam: now there's a flower at the end of the *squares*
[deleted]: Your browser can't UTF-8, apparently.
Lojak_Yrqbam: I *am* on my phone
Xenc: (◕‿◕✿) Me too!
| 10 | 228.7 | |
1378700877 | 1378777908 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | bradradio: TIFU by buying coffee for a girl that ended up costing me $3000
This summer I was trying to ask out this girl who went to my university. We had a few mutual friends, but had never really talked to each other. She was playing really hard to get because she had just ended a year long relationship and I met her about 6 weeks later knowing very few details about their breakup.
Her and I also worked in the same town about 20 miles away so we would gripe to each other about work and having to commute. She worked at a biology center doing tests on the water and the fish in the nearby river. One day she complained how she needed coffee because she was tired but couldn't get away from work. I was about to go on lunch break and offered to buy her a cup and bring it to her. She declined because it was "too nice" of a gesture.
The next time she complained she was tired, I offered to buy her coffee again. This time she accepted and I went to Starbucks and ordered what I remembered she liked from a previous conversation - iced caramel macchiato and I even added an extra shot of espresso to help her get through the day.
I got out to the center a few miles out of town and in a woodsy area right by the river. I wasn't sure how to get back to her building so I texted her asking for directions. I still went the wrong way because the signs leading to the building were unclear. The way I took lead down a grassy, cleared trail - no big deal, I drive a truck.
The trail gradually became narrower, more rough, and woodsier. I started to wonder if I was going the right way. Just as I realized I was probably going the wrong way, tree branches scratched up both sides of my truck, then a second later, I scraped up against a large rock hidden in some tall grass on the side of the trail leaving a 3 foot long dent and scratch underneath my passenger side door.
I managed to turn around and find her building, but by this time the ice in her drink had melted and the coffee was watered down and not so cold. She hugged me and thanked me for the coffee. I didn't tell her about the dent.
Being the type of guy who likes to drive a nice vehicle, I took my truck to a body shop to get the dent out and repainted. 2 weeks and $3000 later, I get my truck back good as new. The repair cost more and took a while because the dent was not in an easy place to fix.
To make matters worse, I didn't get the girl. She still doesn't know that I damaged my truck while getting her coffee.
SoyPopo: Tell her ;) Just sneak it in. "Oh yea, remember that coffee I got you? Yea, I totally dented the fuck out of my car on the way to you, do I get my blowjob now or later?"
pingas-9000: Wow, you must be have so much relationship experience Mr Respectful
SoyPopo: It was a joke :L Obviously it wasn't very funny, I'm bad at those. I was going to say I was kidding but I felt like no one else seems to do so. Either way it was a joke and I know that you don't treat women that way. Sorry sir :'(
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1378720534 | 1379555812 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | the6thReplicant: TIFU by pouring drain cleaner in my blocked kitchen sink that ending up exploding the pipes under it and pouring burning acid over my slate floor - that is now bubbling away.
It's a rented apartment and the residue of acid has turned into a powder that is now eating at my wooden floors (from walking over both surfaces).
[Here you go. Pictures even personalised for johnknoefler.](http://imgur.com/a/St38c) Since he accussed me of lying - you know for the LOLs or whatever the n00bs are in to.
It contains sulfuric acid! So baking soda is the way to neutralise it.
Psychgen: Baking soda neutralizes most acids. Mix a strong water and baking soda solution and apply to affected areas until foaming stops.
[deleted]: isn't the average drain cleaner actually a strong base, e.g. NaOH?
Psychgen: They can be either alkaline or acidic. OP said acid, didn't mention brand. I didn't ask.
Edit: For all I know he could have procured some industrial strength acid drain cleaner from his plumber friend.
Edit: OP may have been shake n bakin' some meth.
johnknoefler: You can read the back of the label. It's not acid. It says right there it's a caustic soda. Alkaline.
Psychgen: Here: [Read and translated for your convienience](http://i.imgur.com/k5pmerK)
johnknoefler: Well it sucks to be wrong. Proves my French is worthless anyway. Also proves why that stuff is wrong to use in a drain. I still use lye. It's the best and gets the job done on most drains. Plus, acid will wreck a metal drain as most are brass or copper that's only chromed on the outside. The newer ones are plastic which should be fine with an acid. Note to self, never use a French product.
Psychgen: I won't hold it against you. :)
I was kinda hoping OP was wrong. That kind of acid does not mess around. He talked like he was walking barefoot through it and it made his feet tingle. I hope he has feet left.
| 8 | 2.5 | |
1378710237 | 1378780220 | null | t5_2to41 | 112 | mybustersword: TIFU by trying something I read on Reddit and ruining an orgasm from a good handy that I drove 500 miles for.
Well Reddit, background story- I don't remember the post or what subreddit it was in, but I recall that a male posted an interesting way to masturbate. By clenching your butt muscles like you are pushing out a bar of fudge during orgasm you will prevent ejaculation momentarily and induce a firehouse of cum (preferably into the back of your SO's throat (boyfriend, girlfriend, we all tolerant here)).
So now that that is all cleared up...My gf recently moved about 250 miles away to complete grad school at a prestigious university for her program. This weekend was her birthday and she was suffering from a bad cold and sore throat so I decided to visit her to cheer her up. I drove all 500 miles total there and back with pretty scenery looking at lots of horses/cows, and we spent some wonderful times bonding with me taking care of her like a knight in shining armor I am. A five hour drive, last minute planned, all for her? She was ecstatic at my get well gifts and bday surprises. Commence to sexy times
uh oh, red tides are flowing. And throat is too sore to give olympic gold medal winning blowjobs (Athens, 2004). So this great handy would do. After some awesome dry humping and hot kissing and her orgasm... whoops. Its fucking Superbad up in the joint and I got a period blood stain on my underoos. Oh well, I brought extra and this is a long term thing, we're cool with that. She proceeds to touch and caress and woman-handle my cock like its [that pottery sex scene in Ghost](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LW8j818w-qE).
I'm getting ready to blow, and I alert her to the imminent eruption. I remember that technique I read and as soon as I felt that familiar build up I squeezed those butt muscles and... farted in my gf's face. What's worse was I let go of the muscles and started laughing uncontrollably and cumming all over myself while my girlfriend blank-stared at my immaturity level and pulled on my dick with the enthusiasm of a worker on an 8-hr factory shift ... but also was confused at something. Like a dude with toes for thumbs or some shit.
Anyways, TL;DR: I ruined a really good handy by farting and immaturely laughing my way through my orgasm. Oh and I came on her pillow too. whoops
paintandarmour: What kind of weird ass position was she in while jerking you off if you managed to fart in her face? :/
realizmbass: Rusty trombone
blzy79: Hahahahaha yes
| 4 | 28 | |
1378706313 | 1379376481 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | blueche: TIFU by calling my self-conscious friend fat.
So I have a friend, let's call her Sara. Sara is not fat, she is perfectly average-sized, but she has gained some weight (about 20 lbs.) since I met her. I know that she is self-conscious about that, and I have explicitly told her that she looks good and shouldn't worry about her weight.
My friend "Anna" is a toothpick. She is 5' tall, and doesn't eat food. She just got a job at a very nice clothing store, and we were talking about discounts. Apparently, she gets 5 items per month at 60% off, which she is supposed to use only for herself. Sara asked Anna if she could pretend to buy the clothes for herself and give them away. Anna commented on this by pretending she was buying the clothes and saying, "Yes, I'm a medium."
This is when I decided to say, "It's in case I gain some weight over the holidays." And, fuck. Sara held herself together very well, but I could see she was genuinely hurt.
I swear, I don't think Sara's fat. Anna is just a tiny person with 0% body fat.
leedade: you didnt call anyone fat, skinny people weigh less than normal weight people, i hate it when women get all self conscious and think they are fat when they obviously are not
[deleted]: It's called fishing for compliments
BBOY6814: I honestly don't see why you are getting down voted. A LOT of people do that
[deleted]: Your a little late haha, but women don't like being called out on their shit
| 5 | 2 | |
1378751219 | 1378828522 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,776 | bekt: TIFU and ripped a girl's shirt off
This happened back in high school, but I still fucked up.
We took a field trip to some play. Got to the theater, I sit with this girl I've been talking to for a while. I'm cracking jokes, shits going great. She decides to say something funny. It probably wasn't really that funny but I was in love so I busted out laughing.
The thing was, I had a cold that day and I had been keeping a giant fucking lugie in my mouth because I had nowhere to get rid of it. It was too warm and gross to swallow and I couldn't just spit it on the floor.
So anyway, she makes me laugh and this wad of my spit and mucous comes flying out of my mouth at mach 10 and lands on her shoulder.
I'm all O_O
She's fucking repulsed. "EWWWW WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!"
I needed to fix the situation fast because she was making a scene. Quickly, without thinking, I frantically grabbed for my nasal mouth juice. I'm grabbing and snatching, trying to get it off this girl's shirt.
*rrrrriiiipppp*
Her fucking shirt ripped right off. I don't really know how. It was this silky kind of shirt that was all artsy and shit and it just came right off. We were both speechless now but she gave me this look... I'll never forget that look. She broke up with me with that look.
She took her shirt back and ran to the bathroom and I just sat there with my spit still in my hand.
**TL;DR**- I spit mucous on a girl and then ripped her shirt off on a field trip.
bekt: Moral of the story- always swallow or you'll accidentally spit.
[deleted]: like father like son
mchandleraz: Wait... If father and son are swallowing, then how did son come into existence? Adoption? Yeah, must be. Gay dudes adopt, right?
CheshireDoctor: Because it'd be so far fetched to say someone's bisexual.
Soccadude123: You're both making a scene.
cswooll: But i thought they were watching the play? Not in it.
Klepisimo: Life is a stage.
jozaud: >all the world's a stage
Ftfy
Klepisimo: Is paraphrasing frowned upon?
jozaud: I mean... Paraphrasing is taking a long passage and shortening it to a sentence. Its an alternative to quoting the whole passage. Theres no reason to paraphrase 5 words down to 4... You just got the quote wrong.
| 11 | 161.454545 | |
1378756851 | 1379084111 | null | t5_2to41 | 99 | WrestlesAtWork: TIFU by failing to realize I was not listening to a voicemail.
I work in a call center. When we're backed up, you can wait in line or leave a callback with a short message that will hold your place. I could have swore I was listening to a recorded message.
.
So I'm listening to this guy talk about his problems, and the root of his problem is that he has no idea how to use a computer, much less the gigantic electronic sign he wants to run with it. I have already deduced from what he has said that there is nothing wrong. He just needs me to be a manual on tape more or less.
.
Now, co-workers and I dis our customers all the time behind the scenes. Pretty much like any other job. So this guy is talking about files like he's just figured out what the hell they are and I look to my co-worker and say something along the lines of "Old man river here should have had his grandson call. $100 says he tried to send us a telegram before calling."
.
Then the voice stopped. End of the voicemail. So I hit * real quick to repeat it, but nothing happened. Piece of shit. What's wrong with this thing? Hit * again... "..hello?", I hear from the other side... oh fuck.
.
OMFG I just openly dissed this guy right into my microphone. I've realized my mistake and we are in dead silence. 5 sec pass. 10. 15... I don't know what to do. I don't know if he heard it so I don't want to out myself by apologizing right away.
.
"...We're going to have to start by taking a look at the configuration and making sure communications are set up correc-..." I just leaped into the call as if that didn't just happen. Walked him through the basics with pristine accuracy, had his setup fixed in 5 agonizing minutes, thanked him, and hung up. After hanging up, I just sat there for about 5min wondering if I just lost my job. I fucked up big, today.
mark0210: Keep us updated!
WrestlesAtWork: Haha will do.
[deleted]: well?
WrestlesAtWork: haha so far so good. Haven't heard anything about it yet.
ErlendJ: That was 2 days ago. Well?
WrestlesAtWork: Still in the clear. Maybe the dude knew how freaked I was.
| 7 | 14.142857 | |
1378757135 | 1378760276 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | jdlee3: TIFU and forgot my mom's birthday. need help!
I just remembered it's my mom's birthday and I haven't done anything for her yet. She's gonna be home soon and I can't think of shit. I can't mess up her birthday because mothersday sucked and it's been a rough year.
EDIT:Thank you all for your suggestions, and I summoned my song/poem writing abilities and wrote a very long card and she loved it.
NagisaK: Take her out for dinner?
jdlee3: My family is the type where that is a definite so that won't really be from me.
NagisaK: Write her a thank you card (make sure is all you), and get her something later
| 4 | 1 | |
1378758787 | 1378762635 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | realizmbass: TIFU by riding a bike into a pool
Labor Day. The last day I worked as a lifeguard at my local pool we decided it would be fun to ride my little bmx bike into the pool, basically just for shits and gigs.
Anyway, after we're done, I'm soaking wet, and we have the bike out of the pool, it's almost closing time and as I'm walking the bike out of the pool area I set it down to fix my bathing suit.
As I pick it up, it falls off balance and becomes a teeter-totter of nastiness and the tire tears my already soft toenail straight up. It's not so much the pain or the blood, but one of my biggest pet peeves to have a nail come... Oh god...
Tl;dr bike tire nearly pulled my toenail off when my bike flipped up
leedade: i fail to understand how a bmx falling over could rip a toenail off
realizmbass: I landed on the pedal which created a lever effect and the back wheel (which doesn't turn) was right in front of my right foot and as the tire went up, so did my nail.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1378772764 | 1378840610 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | PhinsPhan89: TIFU by hitting my roommate's car when parking in our building's garage.
To paint the picture here: my roommate's assigned spot is to the right of mine, and to park I approach from the left, so I have to watch my right-front corner so it doesn't hit her rear-left corner.
When I was coming home from work I was pulling into my parking spot like I've done many, many times before, except this time I misjudged the distance between my car's front bumper and my roommate's car's rear bumper and ended up bumping into it. Now there are scratches on both our cars (mine got it worse), and I'm trying to figure out the next step. I haven't called my insurance yet but both our parents have been called (mine took the news *much* better) for advice and whatnot and we're trying to figure what to do next (e.g. paint vs bumper replacement), and whether involving insurance is in our best interest (but I'm thinking that's what will end up happening).
[Behold, pictures of my fuckup!](http://imgur.com/a/QWlj6) My car is the blue one. Oh, and the red paint on it is from an earlier thing, tl;dr realized it too late to simply wash off and I don't really care about it enough to spend the money to fix just that. Of course, this thing today is a whole other matter entirely.
So there you go, your daily dose of schadenfreude. If anyone has any advice feel free, otherwise just remember to pay better attention to what you're doing on the road. Drive safe, kids!
TL;DR Played bumper cars with my roommate's car in our garage, trying to figure out next steps.
kornaz: No need to replace Your bumper. It will cost way more than just repainting.
As for Your roommates, You can always try to clean it up with either WD40 or brake cleaner. Be careful with brake cleaner - don't spray on too much, and don't rub too hard - it can eat the clear coat away. As long as You work Your way easily - it might take out the red and other paint that's on her car. Just spray some on a clotch and work Your way. Hope this helps!
depricatedzero: I love Your whimsical approach to capitalization.
kornaz: Glad I can amuse You. :)
| 4 | 4 | |
1378774340 | 1378854842 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | MurlocStaples: TIFU My Car
Here I was earlier today parked outside 7/11. I parked next to a curb with a streetlamp on it, but didn't think anything of it. I started backing out when I felt my car stop. Confused, I continue backing out, then I started to hear and feel the dreaded scraping of my right bumper. I park the car where it is and get out in a frenzy and realize what's going on. My car is literally trapped by the right bumper on this large curb. I get back in and start frantically backing out only continuing to damage it even more, and after a few moments of this I finally manage to escape its dreaded hold on my car. I then re-park it to examine just what the hell happened and I ended up putting a huge dent in the right side along with horrendous scuffs and scratches to the paint. Oh and did I mention that the turn signal light and headlight casing are completely destroyed? As a new driver with a new car i'm truly beginning to loathe everything about it.
JustLetMeComment: It's your first car, it's not gonna be perfect. Make a funny tape sticker (e.g. "Hulk Smash!" over a dent) and Ebay a new headlight/blinker.
MurlocStaples: Thank you for your kind words sir.
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1378779552 | 1378786496 | null | t5_2to41 | 37 | SneerfulWizard: TIFU and wrecked a BMW with my shoulder
One day, when me and my father were picking up my sister from a friends party I noticed they had a zip line. It looked awesome, but ended right over the driveway - not the hottest idea, I decided to give it a shot anyways. I checked it was all clear and I had my dad pull me about half way up the hill. I decided that was more than enough for the first time in the dark. I released and started gaining momentum, sitting on the shitiest little plastic seat in the world. I rotated to my side and admired the cool breeze of the night. I turned to face back toward the end zone just in time to see the flash of the porch light on the hood of a BMW M5 sitting right were I was going. Having had about 0 seconds to do anything, I hit the car's driver side door with my full momentum and my head whip lashed over the frame of the door.
I fell off the seat and the world went momentarily black as I laid on the ground. Within seconds there was a pack of little girls screaming bloody murder, and telling everyone I was dead. I got to my feet and regained my vision. By now, the entire party was outside, staring at me and asking if I was OK. I stood and inspected the damage. As odd as it may sound, a BMW was probably the best thing I could have hit out of all the cars in the driveway. My body and the door absorbed most of the impact and my head only snapped over the top of the car, rather than hitting the window.
All in all, it turned out just fine. I left a perfect imprint of my hip, knee and shoulder in the car door. The door had to be totally replaced because I crushed the impact bar, the window mechanism and the lock. The owner was very nice about it and his insurance ended up covering it. I walked away fine, and had an awesome story.
Long story short is: check where your zip line goes.
TL;DR: Zip lined into a car door.
Eggplantfetish: What kind of insurance covers that?
idefiler6: People who drive m5s have really good insurance usually...
| 3 | 12.333333 | |
1378786831 | 1378789909 | null | t5_2to41 | 75 | vikingnurse: TIFU by confronting Greenpeace or some anti-whaling organisation with my awful sense of humour.
It was some years ago though, when I first came to Sydney.
I´m walking through the CBD when a bearded fellow approaches me and says he wants to speak to me about saving the whales, and how it is unethical to hunt them etc etc etc..
Being from Iceland and being used to have the occasional whale steak (the non-endangered one) on my bbq in the summer, I jokingly said to him in my most Icelandic accent (think: Björk) "nah, you wouldn´t want my kind in your organisation, man"
The guy looks at me and asks why so, and my reply was "I just put one of the big fellas in my hamburger last week", thinking he might find the silly Icelander a bit entertaining and that this might provoke an interesting conversation between different opinions. Following my words was a "you did WHAT, mate?" shout out from this previously friendly guy and him pointing his friends to come and have a chat with me.
Seconds later I was surrounded by four huge guys from this organisation telling me how wrong it was to do this, how unethical I was and pretty much got bombarded with anti whaling propaganda.
Due to their not-so-friendly manner (nevert threatening though) and with bystanders getting into the conversation I ended up signing up to the organisation with a fake name and address and promised to support their cause, then shamefully walked away.
gg249: TYFU by wimping out big time
dont let those meat-whistles talk you out of your right as an icelandic man to eat whale steaks on your bbq! (sounds tasty as fuck)
vikingnurse: In my defense I was around 50-55kgs at that time, 22yo, no beard, and these guys were huge:/ When confronted now by these organisations I simply tell them that I love my steak too much and walk away.
But yeah, if cooked right the whale can be one hell of a steak! Bernaise sauce, some fries, and nom is guaranteed!
gg249: ok i feel like i came down too hard on you bro. my bad
i just hate the thought of some crybaby vegan queefs trying to talk you out of eating whatever you want to eat
i would KILL to have a bbq'd icelandic whale steak with bernaise and some steak fries and plenty of iceland's finest brew with you bro!
vikingnurse: hah, no worries. Non taken:) You should just come to Iceland, go whale watching and then have a nice steak afterwards! Watch out though, since if not cooked properly those things can taste awful!
| 5 | 15 | |
1378759700 | 1378873551 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | sideoutpar: TIFU by shredding my buddy's knee ligaments
Back in college, three of us were tossing a football around, and we deiced to try kicking field goals. We took turns. One of us would hold, another kick, and the third guy would stand between two trees with his arms out to simulate the goalposts.
I go, am horrible. W goes, is also horrible. Buddy D goes, gets decent lift and has good aim/control, which makes sense as he's the best athlete of all of us. I'm holding, and he makes a few, so W and I convince him to try from farther back.
Again he does well, so I suggest backing up really far, completely disregarding/forgetting his previous knee injuries/surgeries. D is hesitant, but agrees. He runs up to kick, and as soon as his foot makes contact with the ball, he crumples to the ground, grabs his knee, and rocks back and forth, wailing, 'Oh, God! Oh, God!'
We carried him home, and I took him to the hospital. He had to have arthroscopic surgery due to tears in his ACL and MCL. His doctor told him he probably would not be able to play competitive sports again.
He has never blamed me, but I still feel like a horrible friend.
Today_I_fucked_up: Well, that is indeed a fuck up. However, I think that there's one question you must answer.
Did he make the shot?
sideoutpar: No, he lost all drive behind the kick, and it fell way short.
Today_I_fucked_up: Well shit. Then there was no purpose in your fuck-up. Sad day.
| 4 | 6 | |
1378799569 | 1378876519 | null | t5_2to41 | 55 | Souluna: TIFU and scratched my butthole after cutting up chilli's
HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT BURNS!! Should I pour milk in my butthole? Or just put ice cubes in there.. I have yoghurt, that might work.
sadtastic: The juxtaposition of you preparing food and scratching your bare butthole is pretty nauseating. Don't invite me over for dinner, ok?
Souluna: dont worry buddy, I'll make sure its all finger foods
sadtastic: No double dipping.
| 4 | 13.75 | |
1378699228 | 1378816841 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | Icing_on_the_floor: TIFU by getting semen on my sister-in-law's pants
I was visiting the in-laws this weekend and woke up pretty groggy from a night of partying. I went to the bathroom and decided to get one out to start the day. After finishing, I wiped up and washed my hands. This particular morning, some residual semen happened to dribble out on the floor while I was washing my hands. In my groggy state, I did not think clearly to check the floor so I left the bathroom. About an hour later, my sister-in-law was getting ready for work. Apparently, she throws her pants on the ground because when she put them on, she noticed a stain. While my wife and I were watching TV, the sister-in-law called my wife into the bathroom (I wasn't aware at the time of why). My wife had confirmed it was my semen. My sister-in-law then told my mother-in-law that I was jacking off in their bathroom so needless to say, things were a little awkward around the house.
Spoonta: Deny, deny, deny. Tell them you were making an egg white omlette and spilt some.
subslol: This sounds perfectly acceptable.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1378807104 | 1378862221 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by browsing the front page.
I was happily browsing the front page when... NSFW Gif without warning.
Why reddit, WHY. I really hate porn without NSFW tags. Now my friends think I watch porn.
depricatedzero: > Now my friends know I watch porn.
FTFY
zebraldinalindabum: I don't watch porn... Maybe OP is a girl like me :)
Moonreaver: I don't watch porn either.. >.> <.< whuuut really I don't ..PLEASE BELIEVE ME! Jk :)
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1378816597 | 1378837529 | null | t5_2to41 | 191 | UnforseenBestiality: TIFU, but at least I don't remember it.
So last Saturday it was my friend birthday and he invited the boys to go out for diner at a new restaurant in town. The service was horrible, but the wine and beer was flowing and the waitress, OH MY GOD THE WAITRESS, they were hot. Small skirts, some with huge breast, some small, brunette, blonde, they're all pretty and in top shape. As an almost married man in his early 30's I can't contain myself not to be aroused by those young sexy appealing girls. My single friends are all over them and the only think I can think of all night, is to go back at my place and fuck the hell out of my girlfriend.
After a few more drinks we go to the bar to conclude the night and of course I'm still thinking about sex the whole time. So the night goes on and we close the bar and one of my sober friend drives me home. I'm still horny as a 13 yo who just saw his first porno so I go up to my girlfriend to wake her by telling her how much I want to fuck her and she is, luckily for me, very responsive and wants to have rough sex.
We have one of those crazy sex session, it's amazing, she's screaming out of joy, it's awesome! We both finished off, I get off her and she goes to clean herself up. By the time she come back, I was already asleep and snoring.
We wake up the next day, and she tell me how awesome the sex was last night, but at the same time she's looking at me with this funny smile and almost laughing, and I ask her "What's funny?". "You don't remember, do you?". To be honest with you guys, it's not the first time after sex like that, that I fall asleep and don't remember how I actually fell asleep, so I tell her "No?!?". "Well, last night after sex, I went to clean my self up and when I came back you were laying on the bed with your erected shaft and the dog was licking the hell out of it."... "WHAT?!?" I tell her that she must be fucking kidding me, but she reassure(obviously not the best choice of word here) me that it's unfortunately true. I'm not sure what to think of it, but at least I don't remember it.
TL;DR- Dog gave me a blowjob, but at least I don't remember it.
**EDIT**: I just want to emphasis that I was deeply asleep and the dog raped me.
exoxe: I see English isn't your first language
UnforseenBestiality: Yes, I hope it is still readable.
GreyPooponPoop: It is! I wish I could write ANYTHING coherent in a second language.
UnforseenBestiality: Thanks, I was afraid I fucked up again.
Mandreotti: I couldn't even tell. You made one typo that I saw (reassure should be reassured). You could have played it off for "oh I just forgot a 'd' typing so quickly" and I would have believed it.
Also I would continue to use that name, it's not a bad one. Even for a throwaway it's pretty funny.
| 6 | 31.833333 | |
1378825636 | 1378837102 | null | t5_2to41 | 41 | Vulgarity123: TIFU and have to walk around with shit on my pants
Literally happened 5 minutes ago. I had to take a dump so bad i went to the public toilet. I had to go so bad that as I was bending down I was already shitting. I forgot to put toilet paper in the water so it wouldn't splash back but the velocity at which has shit came outta my ass was faster than a bat outta hell and I got so much splash back on me my pants and the entire stall. There was more water outside of the bowl than in. I think so shit water landed on my pants.
I still feel a gross wet spot on my pants.
TL;DR I shat so hard I have shit on my pants.
FirstWizardBaraccus: I have never shit so intensely that it splattered up out of the bowl, refusing to stay where I put it.
That's gotta be 15.5 Courics buddy.
gg249: dude, the booze poos will ricochet up onto the bottom of the toilet seat every time if you dont put down some toilet paper to catch the blast!
trust me
FirstWizardBaraccus: I'm so unfamiliar with this phenomenon that I've never heard of someone padding their toilet water to 'catch the blast' roflmao
| 4 | 10.25 | |
1378833924 | 1379002675 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,828 | supstern: TIFU by cutting my sister's finger off
ok so this wasn't today or any day close to today (it was a few years ago when me and my sister were younger). I was trying to go to the bathroom and my sister kept tying to open the door back up. Not thinking about where her fingers were, I slammed the door shut and heard a yelp of pain. I opened the door to find her and her bloody nub of a finger. luckily my mom had been there and called 911 just in time to have them re-attach it and today it's as good as new. but i still feel bad for cutting off her finger
taoz: A girl at my school got her finger stuck in the pivot of her locker as she was closing it. She closed it all the way- meaning she had to sit there with half her finger missing and stay calm enough to put in her locker code to pull the finger out.
duckglass: thats nothing. one time i got stuck in traffic for at least 45 minutes. with no air conditioning!
[deleted]: Just on your [way home](http://aytiws.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/falling-down_5.jpg) .
FromTheBurgh: Great movie.
EmergencyTaco: What's the name of this movie again? I haven't seen it in forever.
Dongface: *Toppling Over*
EmergencyTaco: I laughed. Have an upvote.
e46e46e46: I cringed, have a downvote
Rainbow_Gamer: I agree it's kind of stupid, but what really makes *me* cringe is how much we all ridicule each other on here.
spazmatt527: http://rationaloptimist.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/high-horse.jpg
Rainbow_Gamer: Hahaha! That's actually really funny. But I don't mean it like that, I just... I dunno, it just kinda sucks but whatever. It's not like it's really that important anyway, I just wish people would be nicer to each other is all.
| 12 | 152.333333 | |
1378812219 | 1378835529 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting sent to an alternative school.
I posted this as a comment on a /r/wtf post but I thought it would make a good story on here so.......
BTW this happened two years ago.
At my highschool if you missed alot of days or alot of work and needed to make up you had to go to the town over to the Alternative School. Me and a few friends had to go. Some for work others for missing days. Well, the teacher at that school was a major stupid bitch. I mean this woman was crazy as bat shit on heroin and she didnt know what the fuck she was talking about half the time. One day I came in and went to my computer (we did the work their on the computer) and started my work in history. Well apparently she wanted everybody to work on math today, I of course did not know this as i had just started my month of catching up their and nobody told me this. So i log in, click on history and begin. Not after answering one question did she scream, "Tyler what the hell do you think your doing!"
I look over and said I was trying to do my work, I was so fucking confused. The bitch bus decided to call the principle of this school and tell him that I was being disrespectful and to send somebody to get me. I was shocked. I didnt know what was going on.
So the principle gets their. Now the principle was one ugly sum bitch. He used steroids and was a fucking bitch/tool. This guy pissed me off so much. If you had to meet with him he would subtly threaten to fight you. No shit. This happened later on in my month stay at the school.
So steroid arms mcgee over here brings me into his office. Yells at me and asks me what is going on. I told him I didnt know, he said I was trying to be a smartass, so he got Ms. Bat Shit Crazy in. Of course she goes off onto some shit that didnt happen. I denied it.
Well Mr. Steroids gets aggressive, and calls my probation officer. This was two years ago and I was on probation for runaway because I left home to go camping for a few days pretty much. Well he tells my probation officer about how disrespectful I was being how i was mocking them and refusing to do my work or listen to them. He also tells him hes going to write me up which means I get a sanction and go to YDC/JUVY/TEEN JAIL
My PO tells him that he will come get me. Steroids guy offers to take me home. So we go out to the van in the parking lot. It was just like this. The drivers seat was intact but the rest of the seats were fucking plastic chairs just like this which were not drilled down in any way. The floor on this van was smooth aswell.
So we start driving and im almost falling over every turn. This bitch even takes a road that was unnecessary just to make me slide around and almost fall. e laughed while doing it too.
Well were almost in my town when the back door of the van flies open. Im scarred shitless because like I said, im fucking sliding around and shit and almost falling out of this chair on the flat floor. Plus their is a truck behind us and I was seriously in danger of dieing. I scream and tell Roid Rage and he fucking laughs and tells me to shut the fuck up.
So until we get home I legitimately am in danger of dying and im about to be send to YDC for a week. We get to my POs office which is a block away from my home (small town) and meet my PO. Hes mad. He and roid rage talk. The bring me in. He asks me if i understand whats gonna happen. Then roid rage walks out and leaves. My PO tells me im getting sanctioned and that im probably going to YDC for a week.
I tell my PO every fucking thing. I tell him every detail. How I almost died. What Mr. Roids and the bat bitch are doing and everything.
He doesnt believe me. I tell him that i want to call the police and reports them. He thinks im joking. I tell him ill sue. He laughs that off and gives me a speak about how I needed to grow up and accept my consequences. One week later I go to court. I dont say anything about what happened because I was afraid I would get in more trouble. I go to YDC for a week.
My experience with that school and myy PO not believing me made me very depressed and suicidal. I missed alot of days of school their because I was afraid of something like that happening again. I only had a month to stay but because of the amount of days I missed I had to stay another months. I got sent to YDC another time for missing days.
All in all I almost died. I was abused by shitty teachers. They made my life terrrible and made me do 2 weeks totally of YDC time.
When I turned 16 I stopped going, and eventually dropped out of school which a person on probation cant do. So now at seventeen im going to get my GED next week and wont have to ever worry about that shit hole again.
TL;DR: Teachers at a shitty school; Mr. Steroid Veins and Ms. Bat Shit Crazy Loco Taco supreme, fuck my life over. Get me 2 weeks time in YDC and almost kill me and nobody believes me which make me drop out of school at 16.
400HPMustang: A lot of people will write this off as unbelievable but I don't doubt any of this for one bit.
Practical tip for your GED next week
[their vs. there](http://www.diffen.com/difference/Their_vs_There)
[deleted]: their vs there--->I fuck that up alot. Its something I really need to work on. I dont know why.
Anyway, this really did happen as unbelievable as it is. Their is plenty of other fucked up things that have happened to me aswell.
How about 4 years probation for being away from home for 5 hours. I guess a runaway can get more time than a theif or someone who assaulted someone.
400HPMustang: Yeah, the law is not on the side of the minor in a lot of cases. I understand why you kept quiet about the school, nobody would do anything about it. It's a huge accusation and you'd just look bad when they covered everything up.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1378836593 | 1378837508 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | jumboexhale: Tifu By Sneezing
Today I was in my history class and note that I am new at this school and don't know many people. And don't get me wrong I'm a good looking guy so I'm not worried but I sat right next right to this beautiful blonde huge rack I mean she is smoking hot and she's like I have been waiting for you to sit here so I smile and we have a civil flirty conversation and she and something hit me were I needed to sneeze so I turn my head away from her to sneeze but it went away I turned my head back around to talk to her she was yawning and I suddenly just sneezed right all over her face and in her mouth she then moved away and now I will not be talking to her again .... just fucked that up.
alittlekink: Holy run-on sentence.
Mrminecrafthimself: My eyes!!!
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1378840908 | 1378845750 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | britina: TIFU by paying $516 for an old, broken end table because I spray painted my apartment's balcony.
I bought a broken end table at a flea market for about $10, liked the design of it, and figured I'd slap some paint on it and make it pretty.
I'm a renter in a historic building and I put down quite a bit of plastic and then spray painted it on my balcony. When I was done I checked everything out with a flash light and everything looked okay. Today when I went outside, I could see the outline of the plastic I laid down, and even a little footprint that I left in the darkest spot. My deposit was about $500, which I'm pretty sure there's now way I'm getting back now.
Yes, the end table is prettier now. No, it wasn't worth $516.
ff45000: Get some sandpaper or a scotchpad. Scrub...
britina: The floor of the balcony is some kind of stained wood. Will sanding it a little ruin it? I'm not a very handy lady.
kaijujube: Even if you sand a bit of the stain off, (and I reccomend you try a scotch pad first), stain is very easily put back on. Just make sure you match the balcony stain.
ff45000: Plus, what's worse... Paint on a balcony, or no paint on a balcony?
Just take it slow and try less abrasive stuff first.
You may want to ask someone at a hardware store if you're not sure. They can recommend the right kind. Without seeing it, it's hard to tell...
| 5 | 5.8 | |
1378845056 | 1379015877 | t3_1m4in8 | t5_2to41 | 11 | Fgmaniac: Aren't we all.
OP pls deliver.
ikindagetthat: My biggest fear is posting my picture and having someone say, "hey I know you". Besides, no one said i'm good looking :)
[deleted]: OP will deliver....
Someday
ikindagetthat: [OP delivered...](http://i.imgur.com/cH0fUQu.jpg)
MaxMayhem: Yeah, you're pretty.
But if the "guys" in that meeting had any class, they'd just ignore your foot-in-mouth moment and chalk it up to nerves or something and let it go.
Don't let it get to you, live & learn, we've all done/said dumb shit at work, makes for a good story though:)
Appreciate you sharing.
ikindagetthat: Awww, thanks. Yeah today went alright. I just decided to act as if nothing happened, and after we had a meeting about new software implementations and they've realised I'm more than just a pretty face, they're actually treating me better. Not so much sexual undertones, lots more professional. I'll never forget this, though, I'm probably gonna cringe everytime I think about it...
MaxMayhem: Glad to hear, keep the chin up! You're on your way to a great career:-)
| 7 | 1.571429 | |
1378854447 | 1378945646 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | idksomethingcreative: TIFU by killing a lizard in my backyard
I wake up from a nap after I get home from school, and I have to pee. So I step outside and start peeing into the bushes next to some firewood (which is really just a tree that fell down in the yard). I must have startled this little lizard, so he scurries out which in turn startles me. I was curious, so I pick up the log a little bit to see him, and as I'm holding it my dog rushes me knocking me off balance. You already know what happens next. The log falls on his little arm, shoulder, and part of his head. He's squirming around in circles, and I just feel absolutely terrible. I couldn't just let him slowly die, so I look around for something to put him out of his misery with. I pick up the shovel to my immediate right and put it through the poor guy's brain stem. So now I have this decapitated lizard in my backyard, with a dog who thinks it's his new toy. I managed to dig a small hole and bury the poor thing without my dog getting to it.
I just had a pet bearded dragon pass about a month ago after 10 years of owning her, so this really bothered me today.
TLDR: crushed a lizard with a log, then proceeded to decapitate it during my afternoon wee
Fgmaniac: Maybe if you pee on it's grave (mound?) the power of lizard love and magic will lead to a giant lizard-stalk growing into lizard-heaven where you can take a golden lizard-egg from a lizard-hating giant and let the lizard-egg hatch into a beautiful little magical golden lizard-babby!
I mean, a man can dream, right?!
Demento56: So that's how baby is fromed?
| 3 | 10.333333 | |
1378873592 | 1378944636 | t3_1m524l | t5_2to41 | -14 | drgk: Define consent. When? Under which circumstances? What must be said to whom? Witnesses? Written statements? Video statements?
You're talking about a man's life, under what degree of evidence are you willing to condemn him? The standard to be ejected from your university or lose your job is simple accusation. It's criminally naive to think this isn't abused.
[deleted]: > Define consent.
Consent. Noun. Permission for something to happen or agreement to do something.
> Under which circumstances? What must be said to whom?
Well, that kind of depends. If I've just met someone and they assume it's cool to jump right in without saying anything or leading into it, then that borders on non-consensual. But if I'm in a long-term relationship with someone and he jumps right in without saying much, and I don't say anything to stop him, then that's almost certainly consensual. Similarly, if I've had ten drinks and a sober acquaintance takes that as an opportunity to sweet-talk me into sleeping with him, then some people would call that straight-out rape and I'd probably agree with them. But if we've both had ten drinks and neither of us has to *convince* the other, then I wouldn't consider that rape at all.
Consent is not the black-and-white issue that most people want it to be, because circumstances can and do change all the time. But the way for someone to avoid grey areas is to (a) not have sex with someone if you can tell they're too drunk to make conscious, deliberate decisions and (b) *stop and ask if it's okay to continue, being as explicit as possible to avoid confusion*.
> You're talking about a man's life, under what degree of evidence are you willing to condemn him?
I never said I *was* willing to condemn him. They both said it was consensual. So it was consensual. Done.
> It's criminally naive to think this isn't abused.
I never claimed that. Stop putting words in my mouth. But if you don't want to be the victim of a false rape accusation (or an accusation you *believe* to be false that is in fact true), there's a simple solution: Don't have sex with someone you don't trust. This is a great way to avoid not just false accusations and grey areas, but also unwanted pregnancy and STDs. Because if they're willing to lie about rape, what else are they willing to lie about?
drgk: So it's ok for bad people to be bad people because you should have known better than to trust them.
[deleted]: > So it's ok for bad people to be bad people because you should have known better than to trust them.
No, and I never said anything of the sort. I said, generally speaking, that if you want to avoid bad things happening to you, don't make bad decisions. Specifically, if you want to avoid having sex with someone who is willing to lie about rape and STDs and birth control, *don't have sex with people you can't trust not to lie to you.*
Is this really so complicated you can't wrap your head around it? Do you *really* not understand that trust plays an important role in relationships, especially sexual relationships?
drgk: Your condescention makes it really hard to take you seriously. Try not assuming I'm mildly retarded.
So casual sex is right out in your book. There goes forty years of women's lib, serious monogamous relationships only, eh? Good thing girlfriends and wives never decide to betray their partners or exact revenge. Boyfriend cheats on you? Rape accusation. Let's not even mention what happens when a woman you've never even touched makes an accusation. But women don't lie about rape, right?
[deleted]: > So casual sex is right out in your book.
I didn't say that, either. If you want me to stop being condescending, *stop putting words in my mouth.*
Casual sex is fine -- *if* you trust your partner or you're willing to take a risk that your casual sex partner will lie to you. It's a risk-benefit analysis that every person has to make for themselves.
> There goes forty years of women's lib
Women's liberation has nothing to do with eliminating *trust* from sexual relationships. That's *completely ridiculous*.
> serious monogamous relationships only, eh?
Again, no: you're putting words in my mouth. You can trust someone you're having a fling with. You can trust more than one sexual partner at a time. You can trust someone you're not in a relationship with.
> Good thing girlfriends and wives never decide to betray their partners or exact revenge. Boyfriend cheats on you? Rape accusation.
I'm sorry that you're so incredibly bitter and jaded about everyone and everything, but what the fuck do you want me to say about it? Yes, people can and occasionally do lie and hurt each other. What do you expect me to say or do? Do you think that being an asshole to me will magically make the bad people go away?
While we're at it, why are you focusing on one narrow and rare case of someone treating someone else badly when there are so many other examples? If you're trying to somehow hold *me* accountable for the actions of shitty women everywhere, should I hold you accountable for the actions rapists and murderers? Here, let me give it a go:
>> Good thing men never *actually* rape women. Good thing people never murder each other. Good thing people are never sexist cunts who only want to complain about one narrow case of *female* wrongdoing while completely ignoring an enormous range of more important issues. *Good thing people never put words in other people's mouths.*
Hey, that was fun! I'll have to bitch at people as though things they have no control over are *their* fault all the time now that I know how much fun it is!
> But women don't lie about rape, right?
I have never said that, although the problem of women lying about rape is nowhere close to the scale of the problem of *actual rape.* You want to talk about the bad things people do to each other? No, I don't think you want to open that can of worms.
**Seriously, dude. Stop putting words in my mouth and stop blaming me for every shitty thing women have ever done to men as though I control the actions of every woman everywhere. It's not constructive in the least and you're just making yourself look like an idiot.**
drgk: I simply want the standard of reasonable doubt and presumed innocence to apply to alleged rapists as with any other crime and to make false accusation (including in the workplace or school) a serious felony offense *on par with rape in terms of sentencing*. But that makes me a rape apologist.
Anyone who thinks rape can be defined by the ambigious and subjective standards you've laid out is dangerously naive, as I say, and completely ignorant of how the law is supposed to protect the accused.
[deleted]: > I simply want the standard of reasonable doubt and presumed innocence to apply to alleged rapists
And I can't provide you with that, because there is no universal standard of what "reasonable doubt" entails, all trials/cases are different, *and I'm not a fucking judge or lawyer so I have nothing to do with that.* Why are you after me on this? Are you feeling a little panicked about a recent grey-area encounter, or do you *really* have nothing better to worry about?
Also, the standard of reasonable doubt and presumed innocence applies in a courtroom no matter the crime. There's no special standard for rape, and I don't know where you're getting that idea. If you're talking about extrajudicial actions like firing someone or expelling them, then get your facts straight: You can be fired or expelled for plenty of things that are not illegal or that have not been proved.
> But that makes me a rape apologist.
When are you going to learn to stop putting words in people's mouths? My point is that *real rape* is a much greater threat to women than false accusations are to men. Both are terrible and should never be committed, but if you're really worried about protecting people, you should be worried more about the rapists who get away than the non-rapists who are falsely convicted.
And I'm really not convinced that the problem is as bad as you pretend. Care to back up your assertions with statistics?
> to make false accusation (including in the workplace or school) a serious felony offense on par with rape in terms of sentencing.
Are you literally saying that *lying is as bad as raping someone*? You're fucking insane.
> Anyone who thinks rape can be defined by the ambigious and subjective standards you've laid out is dangerously naive
Please explain, then: How should rape be defined in black-and white terms? Is it rape if you have sex with someone who's had one beer? Is it rape if you get someone drunk and talk them into it? Is it rape if she's too blackout-drunk to articulate the word "no"? Is it only rape if you *admit* you raped her?
If you think rape can be defined completely without ambiguity, then the onus is on you to provide that definition. But you can't, or you won't, and so all you can manage to do is sputter and bitch. Why do you want me to define everything for you? What kind of stick do you have up your ass that is making you such a crotchety fuck?
Give me your unambiguous and uncontested definition of "rape" or admit that you're talking out your ass.
**Look, dude. I'm not doing this anymore. Do you have something constructive to say or do you just want someone to bitch at? I'm not your fucking punching bag, I'm not your lawyer, and I'm not your bitch. So say something of value or fuck right off.**
drgk: Why so mad?
[deleted]: Ah. Your act was just believable enough that I didn't figure out you were a troll -- bravo. I'm so glad that this isn't genuine that I ain't even mad.
drgk: I was just responding the shear volume of obscenity and personal attacks in your responses. I was just observing that it makes you *really* angry when your worldview is challenged.
When someone conspires to manipulate the justice system for personal revenge that is a serious crime that undermines the foundation of the rule of law, it's not just "lying." So yes, it should carry substantial penalties.
Defining rape as non-consensual sex is fine, if you can establish an objective measure of what constitutes consent. You put the burden of *proving* consent on the man when you allow the testimony of the alleged victim as the only evidence. Didn't get a rape kit and report injuries? Sorry, you'd have a hard time convicting a burglar if you cleaned up all the evidence. It sucks to be you.
Once you start saying it's legitimate for a woman to cry rape because your relationship began with a drunken fuck, and didn't work out for whatever reason, months after the fact you're practically begging for the system to be abused. People in failing relationships will do anything to get revenge, often breaking the law to do so. What makes you think they won't take advantage of a legal loophole that makes the police their personal army? The other scenario I've seen is women categorizing specific acts during sex as rape, again often long after the fact. She said "no anal" and later on he lubed her up, meeting no resistance he put it in her butt. Months go by, he cheats on her, she slaps him with a rape charge.
It scares the shit out of me, as it should, that some drunken affair or botched clumsy attempt at a sexual maneuver could back to haunt me. It should scare any sexually active man. That's a big jump from forcing a woman to submit to sex when she offers clear verbal resistance, the attacker use a weapon or force to ensure compliance, evidence of forced intercourse, semen samples or fiber evidence, etc. Instead you start relying on statements from her roommate two weeks before their first date where she *swore* the "victim" wouldn't sleep with him before they'd been dating a month or two weeks later confirming that the "victim" felt bad because he came on her face.
[deleted]: > it makes you really angry when your worldview is challenged.
Wrong *again*. It makes me really angry when people like you *put words in my mouth* to skew my view. By presenting a strawman reduction of my argument, you're the one who's unwilling to have his worldview challenged.
> Defining rape as non-consensual sex is fine, if you can establish an objective measure of what constitutes consent.
Rape is non-consensual sex. The objective measure of consent is *she is conscious, lucid enough to make a good decision, and she agrees to have sex with you.* If you don't know what that means, you shouldn't be having sex.
> You put the burden of proving consent on the man
You actually believe that *I* run the criminal justice system? If not, how am *I* putting judicial burden on *anyone*?
> Didn't get a rape kit and report injuries?
If a woman doesn't get a rape kit or report injuries, she's not likely to get her accused rapist convicted.
> Once you start saying it's legitimate for a woman to cry rape because your relationship began with a drunken fuck
Where are you getting this? When did anyone *ever* say that?
> She said "no anal" and later on he lubed her up, meeting no resistance he put it in her butt. Months go by, he cheats on her, she slaps him with a rape charge.
Rightfully so, because that would be rape. She established a boundary and he violated that boundary. The fact that she waited to report it is irrelevant; if the events occurred *exactly as you described them*, then it's rape. If, on the other hand, she *agreed* mid-act to anal, then that's not rape. But if someone tells you not to do anything and you do it anyway, *that's rape.* Period, end of story, done. She did not consent.
But she'd have a damn hard time proving it in court.
> some drunken affair or botched clumsy attempt at a sexual maneuver could back to haunt me.
There's an easy way to avoid that. *Ask someone if it's okay.* Get consent. It's not hard. Just ask. It might be awkward, but a little bit of awkwardness is better than raping someone (or being raped). If you're being accused of rape by someone you don't think you raped, then it might be that they're lying... or it might be that you *actually did rape them*, but they were too blacked out or afraid of you or you didn't pay attention to their "no."
So be clear about consent, and don't fuck strangers if either of you is incredidrunk.
> Instead you start relying on statements from her roommate two weeks before their first date where she swore the "victim" wouldn't sleep with him before they'd been dating a month or two weeks later confirming that the "victim" felt bad because he came on her face.
Can you back up any of your bullshit with facts or statistics? No, of course not. I already asked you for those and you ignored me.
Perhaps if you're afraid that women will say you raped them after the fact, then you're having sex with the wrong women. Or maybe you should *get consent* before you fuck people instead of going by the "lube her up, meet no resistance, put it in her" mantra you expressed as acceptable in this post.
**Again: what do you want from me? Do you think I run the justice system? Are you so lonely that an argument is better than nothing? What the fuck do you want?**
drgk: I want nothing from you except that you don't breed or otherwise pass on your delusional ideology to other people. If you think people during sex stop and receive verbal authorization before each new phase, position or variation you've just never had good sex.
Simply for the sake of argument (and I'm sure you'll sieze this as an opportunity to make more personal attacks), my wife gets downright irritated if I stop to ask permission to do something. If I asked her before sex for anal, or for anything, she would inevitably say no. But...one thing leads to another, a finger gets down there, some lube, and all of a sudden we're doing it. She comes hard, I come hard, everyone's happy. But by your definition I just anally raped her. Or at least, she could call it that if she wanted to.
Your position does matter because it reflects the views of a wider political movement that *does* want the justice system to use different standards in rape cases. If you're saying the system as it is now is fine, some rapes go unpunished because they're impossible to prove (including those grey areas I mentioned as examples), and that sucks but there's nothing to be done about it...then we're in agreement in part. I think more needs to be done about extra-judicial cases (e.g. university sexual misconduct policies) but we can agree to set that aside for now.
But if you're saying any sex act that takes place without verbal confirmation is de facto rape *and* the fact that these cases are hard to prove means we should make it easier to prosecute them, we have a problem. Furthermore, I see no reason for any woman to be excused from her actions when intoxicated voluntarily. If she ran over a toddler driving drunk she'd be responsible, why is her vagina somehow not her responsibility? This started with "date rape" cases that involved doping, and somehow morphed to include even moderate intoxication.
As for sources, I've been on my phone all day. Will oblige later.
[deleted]: > I want nothing from you except that you don't breed or otherwise pass on your delusional ideology
And I want nothing from you except for you to stop justifying things that are, frankly, *rapey*. I would not be surprised if you had been the unknowing perpetrator of rape, given your flippant attitude toward consent.
> If you think people during sex stop and receive verbal authorization before each new phase
Only if there's any question: If it's a new partner you don't know well, if you're doing something that violates a previously explicit boundary, if you or your partner are very intoxicated.
Active participation is a form of getting consent, too. If you and your partner are *both* escalating things, then that's a way of giving consent. It takes two to tango. But if your partner isn't participating actively, then that's a sign you might need to back off and check in with her (or him).
> my wife gets downright irritated if I stop to ask permission to do something
But she's your *wife*. You have a long-term, well-established sexual relationship and presumably you already know her boundaries. That's not the kind of sexual encounter where consent is typically in question.
> one thing leads to another, a finger gets down there, some lube, and all of a sudden we're doing it. She comes hard, I come hard, everyone's happy. But by your definition I just anally raped her.
Not if she actively consents, encourages, and participates the fingering *in the context of a long-term relationship with established boundaries*. But if she says "no" and you just lube up a finger and go there without asking, or testing the waters and checking to make sure she's okay with it, then *that is rape*.
> If you're saying the system as it is now is fine, some rapes go unpunished because they're impossible to prove (including those grey areas I mentioned as examples), and that sucks but there's nothing to be done about it...then we're in agreement in part.
I think the judicial system is the best we can do, *but* I think there's a lot to be done about it. Socially encouraging women to seek help and seek rape kits and examinations after a rape is one way to help women prove the rape occurred. *Actually using* the rape kits is another -- in many places, the justice system just doesn't bother with them. Shrugging and saying there's just *nothing to be done* is the worst possible thing to do.
> if you're saying any sex act that takes place without verbal confirmation is de facto rape and the fact that these cases are hard to prove means we should make it easier to prosecute them
Nope. Can't believe you think either of those statements are a fair representation of anything I've said.
> I see no reason for any woman to be excused from her actions when intoxicated voluntarily
It's not about *excusing a woman from her actions*. It's about establishing culpability. If a woman, of her own volition, gets drunk and actively participates in a sex act, cool for her. That's not rape. And if a woman takes a sleeping pill or whatever OP's wife took and actively participates in a sex act, awesome. Not rape.
But if a man pours a woman strong drinks to get her drunk and smooth-talk her into something he doesn't think she'd do sober, then that becomes rape. If a man drugs a woman, that's rape. If a drunk woman passes out during sex and the man finishes, *that's rape*.
> This started with "date rape" cases that involved doping, and somehow morphed to include even moderate intoxication.
No, it hasn't. I was asking *you* where you draw the line.
| 14 | -1 | |
1378855954 | 1378910205 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | DQEight: TIFU by trading for an activated phone on craigslist
Traded a guy for a Sprint phone, Clean ESN but he forgot to deactivate it from his account. My phone that Im replacing that I used to text him has just bricked and he has removed the craigslist post so I can't find his phone number again.
ugh, while we're at it any advice? I tried sprint live chat and they just keep saying to contact him despite me making it clear It's near impossible.
zalloy: Good luck with that. I mean, if the phone is still attached to his account, then he would have to be the one to talk to Sprint and take it off his account, or whatever. You're not the "registered owner" of the phone, as far as Sprint is concerned. Sprint won't do anything for you if you aren't on record as the registered owner. If anything, they might brick the phone because they might suspect it was stolen, as someone other than the registered owner has contacted them about that phone.
You don't have an email address to get in touch with the guy, or anything like that? What happened to your other phone that bricked it? No way to retrieve the phone number you texted him at from that phone? What did you trade him for the phone?
It sounds like you might be SOL on this one, and be stuck with an expensive Sprint paperweight.
DQEight: The other phone had to be factory restored using motorola's rsd utility several times to get working again so there's nothing left because the number was in my texting history . Ive given up with that and manually learned how to program the phone to pageplus.
zalloy: At least it isn't a paperweight. :-)
| 4 | 4 | |
1378859485 | 1378873139 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | niggalodeon15: TIFU by breaking my teacher's macbook
My desk is right next to the teachers podium and her macbook was on top of it. She had it hooked up to the projector. So I went to move my desk to get into a group and my desk must have caught the wire for the charger or to the projector. So there I am moving my desk and BOOM her macbook hits the tile floor and breaks the screen and on top of that it doesnt function at all. TIFU!
inevitabled34th: she should have put her cords in a better place
niggalodeon15: I agree
| 3 | 8 | |
1378859463 | 1378876876 | null | t5_2to41 | 68 | phi186: Anyone down for Throwback Thursdays?
Seeing a lot of TIFUps that happen to be not today, and sometimes years ago. Do you understand my pain when the title says TODAY and then in the text they're all. LOLjk it was a decade ago. I still enjoy these stories, but because I'm a stickler for rules, I figured an official exception could be made for Thursdays. TbTftw
Of course if you fuck up on a Thursday then you're fucked and have to wait til next Thursday. Just joshin.
If no one agrees its all good I'll just go fuck myself.
Hooray for not being downvoted into oblivion! I'm mostly joking about being a stickler for rules, as some pointed out there really aren't any rules, I'm just referring to the name of the subreddit; and I'm not gonna say the subreddit is going to shit because this is one of my favorite subreddits. I'm just gonna say that if I remember a past fuckup I'm gonna post it on Thursday and hashtag that bitch TbT!
Tl;dr: Suck my cock ill murder your family.
But also, could be fun to just self moderate and do it if you want. I really won't care if you don't participate, I just love pulling together for fun times.
chimera: I don't particularly mind that posts are from a while ago, but it's a good idea. However, the mods are very absent, so it's not possible. Perhaps if they add new mods.
Fgmaniac: Did someone say new mods: Here's my resume!
No modding experience on reddit
A bit of modding experience on forums, but nothing really concrete
I can juggle a lemon, tangerine and giant-ass orange
I have done lifeguarding, which means I'm CPR certified
I can use photoshop. Whether I use it well is a matter of opinion.
I can play trombone, tuba, trumpet, baritone an french horn whilst still getting them ladies (that's a fucking achievement right there)
I've regularly been reading the subreddit since I joined, to the point where I have commented on nearly every post with karma potential (don't judge me, I have a problem)
I know the general ins and outs of reddit moderating (enough to not be a constant nub)
I'm a pro at YouTube tutorials. Want me to to make you a birdhouse out of the bones of deceased squirrels? Give me some krazy glue, a crossbow, some bolts and an internet connection. It doesn't even have to be that good, I can work with 244 p.
I'm fairly good at poetry.
I was Puck in a Midsummer Night's Dream in my 9th grade Drama class. And I fucking owned that shit.
I'm good at controlling the flip of coins, I can easily get the side of my choice 4-5 times in a row. It's all in the placement of the thumb, and reducing the speed the coin flips.
Really good at rock paper scissors, give me 3-5 practice games with a person and I can consistently beat them two out of three. It's gotten to the point that when ever I need to use the game to see who gets to sub in for pick-up games and such, someone else has to play for me.
A really good dice roller, I'm just lucky I guess. Any time I need something to do with a dice, it works. I once told a girl I was magic, and rolled three snake eyes in a row. I've also rolled 5 dice at the same time and gotten all 6s in the same situation. Both times led to greater than PG situations.
Actually, I'm just really, really lucky. Whenever I played spin the bottle, I would mack on girls 8 times in a row. Guys would get pissed just watching me be worked around the table.
I'm good at being picked for raffles too, never lost a raffle I've ever needed. I got to go to international competitions, got a discount off of an all-included DC tour, won chocolate, etc. etc.
I'm bad at putting on zippers though, I used to get skin from my neck stuck in zippers since I was a retard. Now I look like an idiot when zipping zippers, cause I fear of the pinching pain again.
Bad at chewing gum too, I have scars on the inside of my cheeks from missing the gum and biting off a chunk of my cheek. I'm not even kidding, dead patches everywhere.
**WHEW**
That's good enough for now, I'll add more if necessary. I guess I'll make this my official reddit resume from now on, just add as I remember new shit about moi.
chimera: Can't juggle a grapefruit? OUT.
phi186: I can juggle 3 grapefruits. Shit I can juggle 3 basketballs.
| 5 | 13.6 | |
1378870090 | 1378878211 | null | t5_2to41 | 45 | prissy_frass: Accidentally squirted Frank's Red Hot sauce straight into my eyes.
I made hotdogs on stovetop. "hmm what should i add to them while cooking to make more tasty?" Grabbed hot sauce bottle out of fridge. "theres always a cap on this so no worries, i should just shake it up because of habit with ketchup." Turns out cap had been broken off and the first up motion of my shake squirts hot sauce right into my eyes. My eyes were completely open. Primarily doused my right eye but it got both pretty good.
Eyes immediately shut tight. Crazy pain. One of the worst "Damn this hurts and its all my fault" moments. Felt my way to the bathroom. (next to kitchen) Bent over sink washed eyes out for 30 mins till I could open them. I had a lot of time to get some self reflection done in that 30 mins.
I can see fine now it happened about 2 hours ago.
EDIT: Forgot to put TIFU, damn im fucking up left and right these days..
goobers08: Adds a whole new meaning to "I put that shit on everything."
mindlessjohnny: Damn beat me to it.
| 3 | 15 | |
1378872035 | 1378912680 | null | t5_2to41 | 52 | Shogelicious: TIFU by no locking my bedroom door.
You guys know where this is going.
I was on skype talking to my boyfriend and decided to flash him really quick... but he wanted more. So I, willing to please him, spread my legs so he could have a nice view of my ass.
Right there and then, my mother walked in. She just stared at me and my whole body started to shake.
I got out of the bedroom and pretented I needed to get sone water. She gave me a hard look.
Needless to say, now she won't talk to me. God, i'm so embarrassed. :(
LAschmuck: You fucked up the title too
Don't be embarrassed, your mom has done some slutty stuff too
Cuntmuncher69: Greetings! I've seen you in r/losangeles quiet a bit my buddy.
LAschmuck: you fucked up the word "quite" too
Don't be embarrassed, your mom spells horribly too.
Cuntmuncher69: Thanks, d1Ck
| 5 | 10.4 | |
1378860954 | 1378953519 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | imadeahugemistake24: TIFU by smashing and cutting my penis
So there I was riding my uncles bike (which I had never rode before). I strted getting up to speed when I decided to check if his brakes worked so I pulled on the brake. Turns out his brakes worked really well and stopped me and flung me forward and my penis smashed into the handlebars. Obviously this hurt like hell so o went insideto assess the damage and to my surprise my dick was bleeding. Luckily it is still attatched i feared that I decapitated Jr. Now I'm scared to get an erection it's gonna hurt like hell.
PixelOrange: Depending on the damage, you might want to get that checked out by a doctor. Scarring can cause erectile problems.
imadeahugemistake24: This may be in the future I'm gonna give it a few days to heal if it doesn't or it gets worse I shall see a specialist.
PixelOrange: You should have been icing it ever since the injury. Don't mess with the scab. If you do, don't expect to have a normal erection ever again.
Use lots of vasoline to keep the wound moist so that it heals normally and doesn't scar on you.
If it's an injury that you think could use a stitch, go now. Don't wait for it to heal at all. If you've bruised or ruptured the capillaries, it could put a weird curve on your erection.
Future aggrivation of the injury site could further damage your ability to maintain an erection.
Source: My mother works for a urologist and I'm friends with the doctors and employees. The basics are: If you hurt your wang, go to a doc!
imadeahugemistake24: Instead of vasoline will neosporin work??
i_pk_pjers_i: Just. Go. To. A. Doctor.
imadeahugemistake24: It looks much better today. This is America going to see a doctor is far to much of a hassle.
i_pk_pjers_i: I feel sorry for you. I live in Canada, so if I ever had any slight sign of injury that required medical assistance you better believe I would go see a doctor. America's health care system is retarded, it's like a third world country. People shouldn't have to be so afraid of seeing a doctor.
imadeahugemistake24: I agree 100%
| 9 | 3.222222 | |
1378878542 | 1378944560 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | erfdan: TIFU by leaving knives unattended in the kitchen.
My kid was running around with a knife, while I was cooking. Apparently he was 'playfighting' his words not mine. He ran with the knife straight into my leg and embedded half of it in. Then because i"m retarded, and for some reason my brain tells me the logical thing to do is chisel it out with another knife. Now im stuck here on my phone waiting for emergency services with 2 knives in my leg.
The point is I had a shit day.
TL;DR
Had a knife in my leg and decided to chisel it out with another knife = 2 knives stuck in my leg.
Release_the_KRAKEN: ◑ ◔
╔═╗
║▓▒░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░
╚═╝
krismasster: I think it's trying communicate with us.
TheEpicDuck: What is it?
[deleted]: The release of the Kraken.
I will try to communicate.
?
(>·_·<)
| 5 | 6.6 | |
1378882581 | 1379286368 | null | t5_2to41 | 504 | [deleted]: TIFU when I texted my girlfriend about how horny I was. I did not know that her father was in possession of her phone. He also had no idea I even existed before tonight.
A little bit of a backstory. My girlfriend and I have been in a relationship since April 2012 since we met at our university. Her family is from Mexico and her father is Catholic. I'm from an Italian-Jewish/Catholic background but I'm not religious in the least bit which immediately puts me at odds against her father. Because her father is very overbearing and she is afraid that he will take her away from her education should she have a boyfriend, we decided that only her siblings should know about the relationship. It's also important to know that her father can be immature. He will take away her phone randomly even though she pays the bills and is over the age of 20. Only during her last year of school (2014) were we going to inform her dad know about the relationship. At least that was the plan before I spectacularly fucked it all up.
Fast forward to tonight. My girlfriend has been back home in San Diego County for about three weeks. She has been helping family friends and her family with various chores and babysitting. Since we haven't seen each other for a while and she doesn't want to talk on the phone with me with her father around, we text quite a bit. We usual text a lot before she goes to bed. After our usual catching-up texts, I decided to tell her about how much I miss having her with me like any good boyfriend would do. I also divulged, because we hadn't seen each other for a few weeks, that I was horny. We joked about it over the course of ten or so texts before I wished her good night.
After lying in bed for a few minutes, I get a text from my girlfriend but it's not coming from her phone but from her email account instead.
GF: my dad is reading the texts
Me: what?
GF: he took my phone
Me: wow this is bad timing
it's important to note that the last text I sent to her phone instead of her email account. I guess I appropriately (albeit in an ironic fashion) sent it to her dad.
Now he is yelling at her when she should be sleeping. Instead of watching over children tomorrow, she'll be packing instead. I'll have to drive to San Diego to pick her up and bring her back to my place because his behavior will only get worse with time. I can't imagine meeting her father tomorrow will be a pleasant experience. Hopefully we won't get into a fight or a heated argument. I pretty much ruined the rest of my girlfriend's summer though because we were suppose to hang out with her family (obviously excluding her father) this Friday. I've also ruined any chance of making a positive first impression on her father, something that was already going to be difficult not just because I was with his youngest daughter but also because of my background.
___
**Update 1: Girlfriend didn't get her phone back. When I sent her a text message I got a message from Verizon saying that it failed to deliver. I only get this message when someone's phone service is discontinued.**
**Update 2: Girlfriend said she was the one who disconnecting her phone since her dad took the phone away from her when he left for work this morning. She said she will talk to her father when he gets back home from work. If anything goes bad I drive down there immediately.**
**Update 3: Nothing has happened for six hours or so except for my girlfriend telling me that her father is trying to reactivate the phone and might contact me. Should be fun.**
**Update 4: After speaking with her father and now he has had the time to accept that his little girl is actually a 21-year-old woman, he has calm down a little. Her phone is back in her possession and she is currently restarting service to it as we speak.**
**I am to meet her father in person now on Saturday before I take her back to her place near our school. I hope he'll act rationally because he has the capacity to. However it's also obvious he can act irrational because he has the capacity to. I'll try and remain cordial like some of you have suggested. My bravado might fail me because of the thought of meeting her dad finally, especially when it's not exactly on the terms I had originally planned.**
**Ironically I've driven down to meet some of her family a few weeks back when I dropped her off at home. I will have to pretend like I'm meeting them for the first time again because they also decided it was best if her father didn't know about her relationship. If that isn't an endorsement for how irrational people think her father *can* act, then I don't know what is.**
**Hopefully I will not have to write another TIFU because I spilled tequila on his clothing or something. If there is no update past this point, assume all went well or that her father murdered me and buried me somewhere in the desert.**
____
Another thing I'd like to write, I do understand that stealing somebody's phone is illegal. However, in cases like this, you do not wish to involve the police. This can make tense situations much worse. It is often just best to wait for a stubborn or irrational person to just calm down. It sucks my girlfriend didn't have her phone for a day, but at the end it is just a cell phone. You especially do not want to involve the police with Mexicans if you don't have to for many various yet obvious reasons.
___
*I'd like to thank a lot of you for caring. It's actually kind of surprising. It went from a way for me to vent my frustrations of a fuck up (albeit a pretty hilarious one, I'm still laughing about it) to a learning experience. I've read all your wisdom and insight and although I might not agree with all of it, I still respect the words that were brought forth to me.*
*If I have anything to share with anybody is that if you or your boyfriend/girlfriend have a overprotective or otherwise stubborn parent, prepare on how you will eventually let them know about the relationship. A lot of fathers like these have made mistakes in the past with drugs, women, or bad decisions and often times they do not wish their daughters repeating mistakes with these kind of men. Lord knows if I had a daughter, I'd keep her on a reasonably tight leash... just not this tight of a leash. Also don't let things let these discourage you from loving a person. In the end it's situations like this that bond people closer together. If the meeting with her father goes well I'm sure we will all end up laughing about it eventually.*
zsyylpmh: Wow, the worst thing about this is her father's trust issues. I mean, she has almost finished uni and pays her bills. You'd think she deserved not to be spied on with that.
Fgmaniac: It's a sad reality, but there are many overprotective parents around the world.
Bearman399: Can confirm my father is over protective.
[deleted]: Can confirm both parents were overbearing like that (also of wonderful Mexican descent) but we all recently went through a "I am 26 years old this can't keep going like this!!" Type of growing/arguments. So they will come around eventually.
Her father sounds really old school, so once she graduates it'll be the opposite (get ur life started! Your ovaries! Ur train is leaving!) instead of running away try talking one last time (with gf, father, and you op) and explain how she's gotten this far she's not going to fuck now and throw all that hard work.
It'll get better regardless so keep your heads up.
k12314: Can confirm my parents are horribly overbearing, and my girlfriend's mother is borderline destructive.
| 6 | 84 | |
1378878656 | 1378943702 | null | t5_2to41 | 102 | ThisIsYourExGF: TIFU by taking my BFs virginity.
(This actually happened several years ago, but I am still laughing at this experience).
It was a hot summer day back in high school. Hormones were raging, and me and my boyfriend were looking for a place to get sexy. We finally found a place down what we thought was not a well traveled trail. Just to be safe we wandered about 10 yards off the trail, then things started getting hot and sweaty. Then, I start getting licked by not one, but two dogs. I hear an old women shriek, and realize "oh cool, this trail is more well traveled than we thought" as I make eye contact with an elderly man and woman innocently out waling their dogs. Of course, at that exact moment, my boyfriends looses it. He's orgasming, I'm trying my best to camouflage into the forest undergrowth, the old man is snickering, and the old lady looks like she was having a myocardial infarction.
To top it all off, the next day I counted 53 mosquito bites all over my body.
TL;DR - took bf's virginity, got licked by dogs, permanently scarred an old woman, gave an old man a good laugh, and got eaten alive by mosquitos.
sonofstjames: My buddy had something similar happen but the dog licked his ass. The owners were well shocked
jerrybob: That's just a bonus if you ask me.
sonofstjames: I doubt he was expecting that while balls deep though
| 4 | 25.5 | |
1378920699 | 1378987678 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,885 | fistmyanusmatey: TIFU by leaving Game of Thrones on while I stepped away [NSFW]
So I was watching Game of Thrones under my desk when I had to step away for a moment. Nothing wrong with that right? Except that I was at work. At my family's business. And it was the episode where Ros and her fellow whore at the brothel are banging each other with Lord Weasel Baelish watching on like a creep. Oh, and it was my father that caught what I was watching. Did I mention that he is a conservative Asian? He asked why I was watching an X-Rated lesbian porn at work and I had to stammer out a response that this show was actually a respectable, award winning and popular tv program with yes, a wee bit of boobies and butts in it. I think he bought it. It could've been an episode where there were heads being chopped off or another where women are being slapped. But nope, it was the fully nude lesbian scene.
*edit* and I'm a female
republiquefrancaise: I watched this episode with my 89 year old conservative catholic Italian grandmother, translating as it went.
fistmyanusmatey: Upvote for making it out alive
republiquefrancaise: she didn't even mind, she was more like "explain why this is happening"
fistmyanusmatey: Please tell us how you explained the scene to her lol
Hotseflots: Yeah this is my thing with GOT. It's grrrrreat, sure, and the books are phenomenal, but HBO fills it with lots and lots of unnecessary sex. Now I don't mind a good roll in the hay but it literally happens every episode, often without any explanation or meaning.
qweernstrom: >often without any explanation or meaning.
So... kinda the way it happens in real life, then?
Hotseflots: Yeah, but they don't show the characters shitting either, do they? It does not further the story.
I'm looking at you, Ros.
jbmass: > they don't show the characters shitting
Next season they might.
Hotseflots: dayum son
| 10 | 188.5 | |
1378921285 | 1379074007 | null | t5_2to41 | 41 | [deleted]: TIFU by being 4 days late on paying a speeding ticket.
... and the DMV having a 10 year old address on file. I went to renew my expiring driver's license today. By all accounts, I was flying through the DMV. Everything went smooth until the girl behind the counter gave me the look. She says 'sir, your license has been suspended by the State of Massachusetts and I cannot renew it until you take care of it.' What? I have no knowledge of this.
I call the hotline and wait for over an hour on hold before a stereotypical DMV worker answers. She explains that I was 4 days late on paying a speeding ticket in May, and that a letter was sent out explaining that I owed $70 in late fees or my license would be suspended. Explaining that I never got any letter, she goes on to read a mailing address that I haven't lived at for over 10 years. The license I was pulled over and cited on has my current address, but somehow wasn't used as their mailing address on file. Needless to say, I've been driving illegally with an arrestable offense on my license for the past 2 months and never even knew it. Getting pulled over during that time would surely have been splendid, especially if I had my 4 year old or wife in the car.
All told, it took me about 3 hours and $230 to reinstate my license after fees and interest, all because the lovely state of Massachusetts seemingly has their heads up their asses in terms of address data for out-of-staters. On the bright side though, at least I didn't get thrown in jail!
Interwebzombie: At first, I thought you said "my 4 year old wife."
[deleted]: She is 4 years old... in dog years.
ItsRichardBitch: Not cool to be calling your wife a bitch!
| 4 | 10.25 | |
1378921691 | 1378959295 | null | t5_2to41 | 213 | Doggyintheheadlights: TIFU by having sex at dinner time
Okay so usually when we're together, my boyfriend and I spend most nights at his place. I still live with my family so it's just easier on everybody for us to have a place to ourselves. Today though he came straight to my place after work and neither of us could really be bothered driving anymore. We just decided to hang out in my bedroom and re-watch some GoT.
We were snuggled up in bed together, and after an episode or two, we started making out a little, which quickly lead to the removal of clothing. A little while later we were getting pretty into it. We kept quiet of course, but it wasn't the softest sex we've ever had.
All of a sudden, my dad knocked on the door. I quickly yelled "hold on!" but it was too late because the door was already swinging open. Yeah, he's one of those people. I don't know what the fuck happened, but both me and my boyfriend just completely froze in position. It would've been slightly less disastrous if we'd pulled the covers over ourselves or something... *anything*, but nope, frozen doggy style and in full view.
My dad half-stepped in and said "there's beef and gra-"
Eye contact.
Fuck. I can't even describe the look that was on his face, though I'm sure it mirrored my own. Absolute pure, unadulterated terror. It was probably only a second max, but it felt like a fucking eternity that everybody in the room was just completely frozen. After the second it took for him to wrap his mind around what he'd just walked in on he fled pretty fuckin' quick though. I heard his voice say "...shit" as he hurried back down the hallway.
Fuck's sake. I can't believe we didn't lock the door. My dad didn't talk to me for like 3 months when I first came out to him years ago, so I'm pretty sure we're never going to speak again now that he walked in on me balls deep in my boyfriend.
Needless to say, we did not finish, and we did not join my parents in the kitchen for some beef and gravy. We were both pretty keen to drive afterwards though because there was no fucking *way* we were staying at my house after that.
I plan to stay at my boyfriend's place until he's absolutely sick of me to the point of it potentially ruining our relationship. I'm just not sure I can ever look my dad in the eye again without experiencing terrible flashbacks.
TL;DR- Made eye contact with my slightly homophobic father while I was balls deep in my boyfriend. Terror, so much terror.
Black_Pearls: That was kinda gay...
Urrrhn: ..........4th and 9.
Black_Pearls: Huh?
Urrrhn: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8S6l2Vqx0ME
Honestly thought this is what you were referring to. Was on front page of /r/cringe a couple days ago.
[deleted]: Ah this is a classic.
| 6 | 35.5 | |
1378932049 | 1378957211 | null | t5_2to41 | 110 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally laughing at 9/11...on 9/11
I'm in college. A decent number of my classmates have the morning off with me, so a lot of the time we go down to the living area in our complex where there's a TV, XBOX, better wifi, etc. to do whatever we want. This is the scene for my fuck up.
Now, I had a huge essay to work on that is due at 2 pm today, so obviously I needed work to on that. Therefore, I logged on to reddit, because I am a poor decision maker. I haven't been on reddit for a few days, so I start with an AskReddit thread about cock-blocking. The thread is angering, but also pretty funny. From there, I make the foolish decision to move to /r/4chan. I sort by top of the month, and I have to stop myself from laughing out loud at a couple. Finally, I decide I'm going to re-read some of the old gems, because like I said, poor decisions. I'm reading, I'm reading, and a lot of them are pretty funny, but I stay quiet because I don't wanna be the asshole that is cracking up while people do homework. No one likes that guy.
And then I get to [this post] (http://i.imgur.com/U5VfK.png).
I remember reading it a while ago now, but I didn't then. It was all fresh, and it was hilarious. I completely lost my shit. I have a good 10 second laugh before a voice that I don't recognize (I know everyone that comes down to the room regularly really well) yells, "**HEY ASSHOLE, PEOPLE FUCKING DIED. YOU ARE LAUGHING AT WELL OVER 2,000 INNOCENT FAMILIES THAT LOST SOMEONE. MAYBE YOU THINK THIS IS THE FUNNIEST SHIT IN THE WORLD BUT THE REST OF US ARE DECENT PEOPLE, SO WALK THE FUCK AWAY.**"
>wut.jpg
And now, I look up. I had honestly completely forgotten that today was 9/11. There's a documentary of footage from the 9/11 attacks called 102 Minutes That Changed America playing, and they're broadcasting the second plane crashing. I had burst into raucous laughter perfectly in time with the footage of the plane colliding and a girl screaming in disbelief--they thought I was laughing at the video. I go back up to my room later, and everything is trashed, with a note saying "NOT SO FUNNY?" on my desk.
To make it worse, I go to school in New York, and one of the girls I have a huge crush on was watching. Turns out, her brother was on the 94th floor of the first tower and didn't make it. She refuses to speak to me now, along with every girl she knows.
I'm not even halfway through the day and I already know my shit is *wrecked*.
mcraamu: Happy 9/11, by the way. Did you get my card?
zsyylpmh: No, did you get my plane?
anonpothead: Yes, did you get my buildings?
3vere1: No, but I did bring chemical weapons labeled, to Syria: "flight" 93
Love,
Obomba
| 5 | 22 | |
1378939824 | 1378944699 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | djzlee: TIFU by letting my friends text people on my phone
So my friends took my phone during study hall to text people. I didn't really care because they always do. So I went to sleep. They returned the phone to me at the end of the period and everything seemed fine.
After school, some big ass dude came up to me and started confronting me. He was like "if you don't stop talking like that to my daughter, I'm going to report you to the police and the school." I've never gotten in major trouble in school so of course I freaked the fuck out. Turned out my friends sexted some girl from my phone. We knew each other's name, face, number, and nothing else. I apologized and told him it wasn't me but I think he didn't believe. Pretty sure the girl will never talk to me again.
TLDR: Let friends have my phone during school. Turned out they sexted some girl and I was confronted by her dad.
NoDiggityNoDoubt: Yeah, that's just common sense.
djzlee: I trusted my buds:(
[deleted]: Friends aren't the most trustworthy, they can always ruin your day.
Quote me all you want.
| 4 | 6 | |
1378940866 | 1378993336 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | TheBlackKnot: TIFU by not asking the girl out.
So, in order to understand my fuck up, a little back story.
I started my second year at College (English, not American). Sitting in a room with another course, my friend and I were looking at the Malicious Advice Mallard meme, so said girl and I start chatting, before our groups are split back up.
Fast forward and both courses are on the same trip to the London Museum of Design. After an hour of drawing and such, I find the girl and we start talking again (Still didn't know her name at this point). About 5 minutes later my friend, let's call him John, sits down with us and notices that we are similar, personality wise, so using his phone, tells me to ask her out. Please bear in mind that an 18yo 15st Male with no prior dating experience is writing here, so... yeah. Anyway, back to the Fuck Up. So she walks off, looking for other members of her group to see if they want lunch or something. Another friend joins us and John tells him all about it, so this other friend, lets say Dan, walks off to find her and ask her for her number. For Me.
Fuck. My. Life.
That was all that decided to streak through my head for the next half hour. Anyway, me and friends go to get lunch, and before we are due to head back on the Underground, I see her again. Bear in mind she is like an 8/10 and I'm maybe a 4/10 in good lighting. Anyway, me, being a complete idiot, does nothing, no talking. Nothing. So yeah. Just me. Alone again.
tl;dr Single Guy doesn't get the girl.
Woo! First Post!
UPDATE; So I saw the Girl again (Still don't know her name. still sucks) and I was with a few mates. Now I don't know what your friends are like, but mine are assholes. She says Hi and thanks to said asshole friends just not shutting the hell up I say 'Hi' in the most awkward weird voice ever. So now I think that she thinks I'm some kind of Special Needs kinda guy. (Possibly when it comes to women. :/ )
wangtron: You never get wet if you don't jump off the diving board son!
afcagroo: That's not true. You could slip and fall into the pool while walking by. Or take a shower. Or have a toilet splash you. There are lots of ways to get wet.
wangtron: Also, that said, I'm a short fat guy, and the one thing that I've learned about girls (this sounds so fucking cliche, but it's the truth as far as I'm concerned) is that half the time, It doesn't matter what you look like, but it's more about the approach and how you interact/converse. If you approach a situation with a girl that you are attracted to in a calm, level headed way you'll be fine. If you aren't blatantly hitting on them or being a obvious perv, you'll succeed. Talk to them like you're talking to anyone else. After all, as beautiful as they may be, they're just another human being, just like you and I. The 2 worst things that can happen are either A: You find out that they are super lame and you really aren't attracted to them beyond a physical thing OR B: You make an awesome friend, who happens to be a super attractive girl. If option B happens, remember: Pretty women usually have pretty friends, AND if you're friends with pretty women, sometimes they will try and set you up with their awesome single friends. :)
TheBlackKnot: Thanks for the advice. It wasn't easy telling the Internet for advice, but it helps.
wangtron: No problem. Just remember to be positive about yourself. Positive, but not conceited.
| 6 | 2 | |
1378947083 | 1379035552 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | snow666: TIFU a cat nipped my hand and it might have rabies
Do I just take it to get the cat's head cut off to see if it actually has rabies?
I don't have any health insurance to get the vaccinations so I'm thinking of going stupid and taking my chances by not getting the rabies shot and see if I die or not, because it would be a waste of money if the cat didn't get rabies.
matt09z: well rabies is incurable once symptoms set in you must receive the vaccine asap. look up on youtube of people with rabies its a horrible way to go. I would try to find the cat and take it in so they can test the cat for you so you don't have to needless rabies shots. gods speed
snow666: The cat comes and goes but my parents don't wan't me to take the cat in to get it tested.
matt09z: well they might have to kill the cat to look at the brain to get it tested,but if the isn't looking like it can't walk right or acting very unusual then you should be safe from rabies, pretty obvious to tell when a domesticated animal gets it. Clean out the bite you got cats are notorious for getting people nasty infections. 50%hydrogen peroxide/water to clean it do it once a day unless it scabbed over.
snow666: I don't know if this is considered a cat "bite" but the cat used its teeth to scratch my hand. The scratch is on my palm. My mom was recently bitten by the same cat that bit me but don't know if she had rabies or not. She actually got bit and then her hand got really swollen and then she had to see the doctor to get shots.
The cat is very skinny and friendly. I was stupid and tried to put a harness over him in result of the cat biting me or scratching me by biting me.
PixelOrange: > The cat is very skinny and friendly
The cat doesn't have rabies. No animal with rabies is friendly.
snow666: So what you're saying is that if I can hold the cat, feed a cat, the act purrs against my legs, he doesn't have rabies?
My mom got bit by that same cat but guessing it was a really deep bite that it got really swollen and she had to go to the doctor. She said that if she didn't go, it would've gotten bigger and bigger and then the hand had to get cut off.
It's already been about 15 hours since I haven't gotten a vaccine for rabies yet and I feel perfectly fine.
PixelOrange: Yes, animals with rabies would definitely not let you hold them. Rabies shots are also super painful. Your mom would know if she got rabies. Sounds like she just had an infection.
snow666: That same cat that bit me on my hand ( scratched my hand with his teeth ) came to me and started following me as if he really wanted food. I looked at all the bowls we left outside for food and they're all emptied. As I left a bowl of water on the ground, that cat bit me on my leg. TIFU...
Well anyways, I believ that he bit me only because he wanted food but i'm going to wear thicker clothing and work gloves to handle this cat since hes so mean. I assume that mean cats that bite don't always mean that they have rabies right?
I want to put this cat into quarantine though to actually know if it has rabies. Even though this cat is really friendly... like sometimes I can hold onto him and put him on a table, sometimes it purrs against my legs..
Do you know what are the behaviors of cats in rabies and how they act around humans? Do they try to attack you or something because I saw on youtube that this cat with rabies was biting everything. I even COURAGEOUSLY attempted to give him a piece of snack(cat treats) to his mouth. ( basically feeding him instead of leaving the food on the ground ) and he wasn't that aggressive.
EDIT: She told me that she had 5 shots and I believe its for rabies.
PixelOrange: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rabies_in_animals
snow666: "The second stage is the excitative stage, which lasts three to four days. It is this stage that is often known as furious rabies due to the tendency of the affected dog to be hyperreactive to external stimuli and bite at anything near."
I tried to do this with the cat with oven gloves and he didn't bother trying to attack it. I was able to put food in his mouth though. His cat eyes were not dilated at all so I believe he must not be infected with rabies and he is not drooling.
| 11 | 1.545455 | |
1378947004 | 1378952893 | null | t5_2to41 | 52 | jazzyd38: TIFU by telling my ex girlfriend a joke i read on r/ImGoingToHellForThis
I done fucked up today.
I was at college and was just sitting in the library on my iPad waiting for my next class, when my ex came sat with me. Now, even though we broke up over a year ago, she is still a really close friend of mine, and we pretty much talk or text everyday. Back to the story, we have the same English class that started at 1:30 and we had about 45 mins to kill so she decided to study, while i was checking out one of my favorite subreddits, /r/ImGoingToHellForThis. Now, i know this subreddit is, well, bad?, but its a sick pleasure of mine to read it everyday, especially today being 9/11, all the posts are about well, 9/11. about 10 mins into her studying, i kept interrupting her with pics from /r/funny and she chuckled, and then i said it... Instead of showing her the pic, i read it aloud. The joke read, "Whats the difference between a cow and 9/11? You stop milking the cow after 12 years"(here it is for your viewing pleasure http://imgur.com/jts2GoL)
She first forced a chuckle...then her fake smile turned into an angry face and she got really upset. She started saying "You're a real inconsiderate asshole, you know that" "over 2000 people died and that's funny to you?" "I'm glad we broke up, if i had to put up with this shit all day and night i would have put a bullet through my head" There were words other things she was saying, and people were staring. I tried to diffuse it by telling her i was joking, i didn't mean it, and i just read it, but she wasn't buying it. She immediately packed up her books and left.
We had the next class together, so i thought i can calmly talk to her there. I came into the lecture hall and sat next to her, and she got up and sat at the other side of the hall. I tried texting her during the class, and i saw her look at her phone and immediately put it back down. The last text i sent her in class, she texted back, "DON'T FUCKING TEXT ME ANYMORE, EVER".
so, yeah, im not sure how long this is gonna go for, i honestly feel bad telling her the joke, since i know she doesn't like that kind of humor. I guess i just have to wait it out.
Today, I Fucked Up....Big Time.
**Edit: Spelling
****Edit: She has phoned me up to apologize. She said she should have understood that i like to make jokes, and as bad as they might be, she knows im just joking and never truly mean it. She told me that she overreacted because she was stressed with school, family, work, and that she recently had a death in her family. She apologized like 15 times over the phone on how she doesn't want to lose me as a friend, and such.
NoDiggityNoDoubt: You're better off without her. She's your typical fake Patriotic American who only gets offended by shit happening to this country once per year. Enjoy the rest of your life without that cunt.
jazzyd38: Were both Canadian actually, she just doesn't like jokes about tragedies and death and such.
NoDiggityNoDoubt: So she flies off in a fit of rage when people make Hitler jokes, or Civil War jokes?
That's surprising a Canadian would get so outraged over shit like this.
jazzyd38: I think it really bothered her that this came from me, if someone else said it im sure she would just ignore them, but coming from me she got all pissed.
NoDiggityNoDoubt: You're better off without her. Move on, you'll feel much better, much sooner.
| 6 | 8.666667 | |
1378959261 | 1378961027 | null | t5_2to41 | 36 | keiblerclown: TIFU by not cutting a vent hole in a can of beans.
Now, this isn't actually my story. A former co-worker who I keep in touch with is the actual perpetrater, and it happened roughly 20 years ago. That being said, this story was almost legendary...
One day, Mark brought in a can of beans for his lunch, not expecting to be put in one of the watchtowers. There was no microwave, so he was stumped as to how he was going to have a hot meal. It eventually occurs to him that the tower spotlights get fucking hot, so he puts the can of beans on the spotlight, using it as a makeshift hot plate. Mark, woefully for him, forgot a most important detail: cutting a vent in the can.
The beanie-bomb eventually blew right in his face, leaving it riddled with bean shaped burns. He had to leave and drive himself to the ER, while news of his blunder spread like wildfire. For almost 2 decades afterward, he would randomly be tagged with the spotlight as he walked across the compound and he developed a rather strong aversion to beans.
CapgrasX13: It took a whole lot less for me to develop an aversion to beans.
By the way, I assume by the use of the terms "watchtower," "spotlights," and "compound" this took place in a military or prison setting?
Fgmaniac: Plot twist, OP lives in a mental institute. The story was made using his environment:
>The watchtowers, spotlights, and compound are all from his daily walks.
>Mark is the scary man who administers his medicine.
>One day he fought Mark, no more pointy needle for him.
>He scratched up his face, leading to many bean shape scars.
tl;dr: OP formulated the story in his own schizophrenic world.
CapgrasX13: They give loonies internet now?
Fgmaniac: Internet? What is this weird phenomenon you speak of?
Have you taken you pills yet Capgras?
Dr. Johnson won't be happy if you didn't.
You don't like it when Dr. Johnson is angry, remember.
Bad things happen.
Scary things.
^Run ^away.
^^Run ^^to ^^where ^^you ^^are ^^safe.
^^^Before ^^^they ^^^get ^^^to ^^^you.
^^^^Before ^^^^they ^^^^get ^^^^to ^^^^us.
^^^^^We ^^^^^are ^^^^^the ^^^^^same ^^^^^person.
keiblerclown: One of us, one of us
| 6 | 6 | |
1378931672 | 1378960021 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU by not appearing to my court date on time.
My citation for speeding said "appear on 09/11/13 **by** 8 am." Fucktard here only read as far as 09/11/13. I actually cried in front of the clerk who explained to me that the judge had already charged me with "failure to appear." So my ticket jumped from $178 to $424. I could handle the initial $178 because they were going to let me do it in payments. Since I didn't appear, that option flew out the window and I paid the $178 in full today and have to pay the new charge ($264) by 10/11/13--or as the clerk said "just pay by October 10th to be safe." I'm trying to remain grateful that I had the means to pay the $178 in full today.
Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.
Dymobe: Von Miller?
[deleted]: I wish; then I could easily pay! :)
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1378983766 | 1379033265 | null | t5_2to41 | 294 | ToXic73: TIFU by using a "safety" pin to hold my pants up.
So these are fairly old pants and I have had to put a safety pin through the top. The button busted a while ago so the pin is good enough. So then when I go to take a piss and I undo the safety pin and I start my stream then I feel a massive pain in my nut sack, look down and I have pierced a pin hole in the bottom on my nuts.
TLDR; I put a pin in my nuts.
jpavia10: Do they bleed
juicylips336: Good question. OP please respond.
tmotom: Is there blood in there? Or just some kind of fluid?
PsychoCemia: Well, if our balls are anything like deer balls...a little blood, but mostly spongy "custard." Boer rite of passage: eat the warm testicle of the first buck you shoot. I did it. Won't do it again. Will definitely make my kids do it. (suckers)
dudewiththebling: I was drinking coffee.
Brickenfist: I was eating nuts
stealingyourpixels: I was eating testicle fluid.
| 8 | 36.75 | |
1378962390 | 1379078465 | null | t5_2to41 | 57 | [deleted]: TIFU and ate peanut butter crackers at work
Well I work at a meat processing for a fairly large company so they take food safety very seriously there.
So this actually happened about 6 months ago one late Sunday night, after working for about 2 weeks straight it's needless to say I really didn't give a fuck. Our supervisor had taken the day off so we were all just slacking off.
It was nearing lunch break so I decided to take off early and grab a snack before hand. I went upstairs and grabbed a pack of those little toast chee peanut butter crackers and headed back down to the production floor. When I make it back down I discovered my coworkers had followed suit and taken off for break early as well.
Here is where the fuck up happened. the crackers fell out of my pocket without me knowing, so I went on and took my break. When we returned we find a very pissed off USDA inspector going on about how this was a huge violation and how we could all get in serious trouble for this. For one single peanut butter cracker and the wrapper it came in the USDA person shut down our department as well as two other departments that work alongside ours. It ended up costing over $130,000 because all the meat in the room at the time had to be discarded because there was no way of telling if any of it was contaminated with peanut allergens.
Because i never came clean about it all they did was tell us that something like this couldn't happen again.
TL DR dropped some crackers, cost the company I work for $130,000
JacksonBollox: Damn...almost makes me wish Confession Bear wasn't banned...haha
frendlyguy19: confession bear is banned?
JacksonBollox: For a week I think.
| 4 | 14.25 | |
1379001279 | 1379101190 | null | t5_2to41 | 60 | DannyFnLanza: TiFu by dreaming of exposing my cat Loki to be a fraud and piss fucking my couch then texting my friends at 4am to tell them about what happened.
TL;DR (yes I'm putting it first): I, a 24yr old man, pissed (in) my couch because in the dream I was having I thought I was getting 1 over on my cat. Then of course I texted the scenario to my brother and 2 best friends.
Here's word for word what I sent to my friends after it happened:
Me:
So...I just pissed myself in my sleep on the couch but I have a really good reason as to why I did it and before you ask, no I'm not drunk or anything I was just under a lot of pressure in my dream.
Dream world: Loki is suing the police because a cop urinated on him and broke his arm. Yes my cat
Since he was suing the police and he's such a celeb there has been a lot of media attention surround the case. I constantly have reporters in my face asking me questions about his arm, his state of mind, what I thought of the case, etc etc.
Oh P.S. I fell asleep listening to Law and Order SVU so I'm sure most of this dream is directly related to that.
So anyways I go to take a piss into my toilet/Loki's food bowl because this is dream world and Loki lives in a toilet.
As I start taking a piss Loki begins batting my piss with his broken arm and I'm like "WTF you little liar!" So I'm thinking yea I'll hurry up and finish pissing and I'll call the news station to show them my cat is an asshole.
So I hurry up and begin to push and I could feel the squeezing of my kidneys IRL but whatever I continue to pee in this very odd toilet. Now the toilet is a square and in the middle is Loki's food and then there are 2 little boxes that must be 2 inches by 2 inches so to pee in them is stupid but this is how all toilets are for cat owners #DUH
So I continue to pee and Loki is batting at it and getting it all over the floor and I'm getting pissed (Not a pun) so I shove my dick into one of these 2 boxes but 2 things are wrong here.
1. I have morning wood so my piss is spraying out the side
2. I'm peeing so hard that my piss is penetrating the walls of this toilet, which was weird because I knew this was indeed possible to do but I didn't think I was pushing that hard.
So I figure ah fuck it I'll clean up the mess later I need to hurry up and finish.
But the small box I'm peeing in is starting to fill up and the last thing I want is to piss on my own dick so I pull out and fall off the couch
The real fucking couch!
I'm confused and wondering how I ended up on the floor but the warm sensation on my left thigh politely told me I fucked up.
I inspect the couch to find it was dry...except between the cushions...
Remember that box I told you I shoved my dick in to make it easier to piss... It was actually the couch cushions! I piss fucked my couch cushions! What the actual fuck!?
So realizing it was all a dream I was both horrified and relieved because I didn't have to pee in that weird toilet but I totally pissed this couch.
Now I'm showered and I need to go to work in a few hours so I'm going to bed. I'll deal with it tomorrow LMFAO! Good night.
Chris (friend):
You're a fucking clown!
Tom (brother):
Who the fuck has a wet dream about their cat and piss!?
Mike (friend):
I’m crying right now! How did this happen?
Chris:
Laughing as hard as I did is worth waking up at 5am to get this random fucking message
Tom:
Bro you’re a fucking adult wtf!?
Mike:
PISS FUCKED THE COUCH!
Chris:
Are you going to tell Lindsey?
Me:
Fuck no! She’ll never let me forget it. For the rest of my life she’ll ask me “Did you pee” before I attempt to go to bed…oh god it’s like being ten all over again….
Chris:
LMFAO I gotta tell your mom!
Me:
I will fuck you up kid.
Eventually Lindsey saw the texts and laughed at me for several days and she is the reason why I'm posting this on here today because she thought all of you would get a kick out of it. I hope you enjoyed my fuck up =(
edit: Spelling
flippitydip: Legendary, best TIFU post I have read since subbing XD
DannyFnLanza: You must be new lol but seriously thanks I almost feel like it was worth it...
| 3 | 20 | |
1378995763 | 1379048756 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting my own shit in my face
Hey you guys! This story didn't take place today, it was a couple of weeks ago, but anyway, here goes.
Me and a couple of friends were going camping in a small town with an awesome lake not far from where we live. As we make it to the camping, ready to put up our tents a lady comes down telling us we need to "check in". We did as she said and followed her up to the reception where she took our names and the payment for the days we were going to spend on their camping. It was not crowded at all, just a couple of cabins and maybe 1-2 tents in the area. As we paid we realized the staff presented themselves as "Brother, sister or father" followed by their name.... We were at a christian camping (i'm from sweden so this is very unusuall). They informed us that we were welcome to join the weekly sunday service if we wanted to and we kindly denied. (the reason why i'm telling this backstory is because the goal with our camping trip was to drink ourselves mindlessly drunk for a couple of days and just enjoy the swedish summer and we found it to be kinda ironic that we landed on a christian camping.)
The night arrives and we are as planned, VERY drunk but trying to keeping it as quite and respectfull as possible towards our fellow camping neighbours. In my drunken thoughts I decide to take a shit.. I walk a couple of hundred metres until I reach a good spot for me to do my buisness. I take of my shirt (I always take of my shirt during number 2's, don't really know why) and starts to shit out in the woods. When I am done I realize I have forgotten the toilet paper. With my pants at my ankles I penguin walk to the tents and get a friend to toss me a roll of toilet paper and he also realizes nature has called for him too. I walk away and wipe and return to get my shirt I dropped at the place where I first took my shit. I put it on and get this weird smelling substance all over the top of my body... My friend who is taking a shit a couple of metres away is observing the whole thing.. I stood there, drunk as fuck, trying to figure out what has happened and after a brief moment of clarity I realized I shat on the shirt I took of and the put it on again..
A small part of my face and my back got covered in my own shit and I had to walk aprox, 2 miles to get to the lake to clean it off..
TL;DR .. I took a shit on my own shirt and put it back on..
Charmandine: You fucked up more than that. You dumped your shit in the lake.
spankthepunkpink: because large bodies of water never get waste from animals in them....
[deleted]: You still don't really want to go around just shitting in lakes or other bodies of water, particularly when people may be using them as a source of drinking water.
No, one guy shitting there probably isn't a huge deal, but if everybody started doing it the water quality would be horrific.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1379006602 | 1379020972 | null | t5_2to41 | 55 | poopyshower: Today I fucked up by shitting in the shower and plugging it up
I came home from work and went upstairs to take a shower, in the middle of my shower I had to shit. Being extremely lazy I said I'll just shit in the shower. Well when I went to try and stuff it down the drain, it ended up plugging it. Now there is about 2 inches of shitwater that will not go down at all since about 1 hour. I tried sticking a coat hanger down but that doesn't work either. I really need some advice as my family will be home in another couple hours.
EDIT: Family is home so I can't really try anything without being suspicious. Luckily I have a class from 6:00-10:00PM which means that everyone should be asleep so I should miss any "discovery" until tomorrow. The plan tomorrow is to get to work before they wake up then after work go try the bleach thing and maybe buy a drain cleaner pipe thing
EDIT 2: Went to clean drain but the poop was gone. Not sure if someone cleaned it or the poop just got unstuck. Either way I won't be doing this again
KrustyFNL: PLUNGER
poopyshower: That got it to go down but it drains really slowly. Almost done draining. then I got to clean it out and hope no one notices.
Hopefully since everyone showers it won't impede drainage too much.
kore_nametooshort: Follow it up with bleach. That should eat through it.
(It's cool to just throw straight bleach down a drain right?)
poopyshower: I'm pretty sure it is. will try this tomorrow
| 5 | 11 | |
1379006175 | 1379105090 | null | t5_2to41 | 552 | RecursiveDelete: TIFU by doing a recursive delete
I've been writing a PowerShell script to find and delete redundant $RECYCLE.BIN files in our thousands of user personal folders.
The script is going well. It works perfectly fine. It takes a matter of minutes and gives beautiful log and error output info.
Then I notice that I'm not using the same standardised variable name for the folder I'm trying to clear out, so I edit one of my functions to bring it into line. Great, now the function should use the right variable name.
I run the script and check my error logs. Instead of the 78 KB file I'm expecting (from previous runs it was that size), I get a 4.9 MB file. Shit.
I check the file and see that it's got errors like "Unable to delete C:\WINDOWS. Folder not empty". Fuck.
I check other folders on the server and notice they're also empty. Hardly any files to be found. It's like a digital ghost town.
I check my code again and see that I forgot to change the variable on the line that does the actual deleting:
...
Remove-Item $Folder\* -Recurse -Force -ErrorAction SilentlyContinue
...
The function accepted param([string] $Path), not $Folder.
Instead of PowerShell going "Hey, I see a bug here. Something's wrong, so I'll stop", it goes straight ahead and does a recursive delete from the root of the C: drive. Anything my script was able to delete, it did.
I immediately owned up to the problem and got our servers and storage manager to see what he could do.
There was no server image to restore from. The backup software on the server wasn't working because.. I'd deleted it. He first had to install the backup software before attempting to do a restore. The restore is still running. The server will be rebooted tomorrow, and if it's fine it'll be left as-is. If not it'll need to be re-done from scratch.
No biggie, the server wasn't doing much apart from being required for governmental security compliance..
tl;dr All it took was a sphinctosecond to recursively delete everything I could on the C: drive of a local government security logging server.
**UPDATE: It's all fine.** The restore on C:\\* worked. The server's license had to be re-entered. I guess I removed *some* files that made it think it wasn't the genuine article. It's been rebooted and seems healthy again. I've read all and replied to some comments. Thankyou to those of you saying that you've fucked up on mega scales before. It makes mine seem like it's [just a flesh wound](http://i1.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/012/877/3qafhk.jpg). :)
ISeeYourShame: >No biggie, the server wasn't doing much apart from being required for governmental security compliance..
What?
Defiant001: Sarcasm for "its very important".
Icanberoberta: A million upvotes for you!
critikill812: And downvotes for you.
Icanberoberta: That just hurts.
critikill812: Don't blame me, I didn't downvote you.
RafTheKillJoy: I am the newest member on this downvote train, keep it going!
\>LE OMG I LE TOTATLAY DIDN"T UPBOAT THEM EITHER!
critikill812: I was merely pointing out the fact that he will be downvoted if he pitches in with something like "here's an upvote"
RafTheKillJoy: Yes, but this is a downvote train, I'm trying to sound pretentious.
**\>lelelelelelelelelel le uptokes**
| 10 | 55.2 | |
1379014346 | 1379368262 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | JohnWalterRoberts: TIFU by Giving Myself Glow-in-the-Dark Eyes
This actually happened maybe a month ago.
I had a whole package of those extra-long necklace glowsticks on the floor in my bedroom. I stepped on the package by accident and cracked ALL OF THEM.
I figured, "Well, why waste them?" So I finished cracking them, shook them all up, and looped them together. Then I turned off the light . . . to find my entire room was speckled green.
One of the green ones had cracked open. So I figured, "Hell, might as well wander down to the kitchen and get my glow on in a glass!"
I went to the sink, put a glass in it, cut one end of the glowstick and inverted it. Then I tried to cut the top off, too. Somehow the scissors bent it and when the top came off it FLUNG glowing liquid everywhere, speckling the kitchen and DOWSING MY EYES.
I normally leave all the lights off but it hardly mattered as I stupidly rushed blind to the bathroom instead of trying to rinse it in the sink.
Admittedly, the five seconds of glowvision were pretty sweet. Not to mention that moment between looking in the bathroom mirror and pulling the chain for the light.
Long story short, I washed my eyes out and was fine. The chemicals weren't corrosive or anything but it burned like crazy.
TL;DR - I accidentally broke a glowstick and flung the liquid into my eyes.
FizzPig: so.. what you're saying is that glowstick fluid is nontoxic and will make my eyes glow in the dark? this needs to be experimented with more
CandidCallie: That would be a very bad idea. The capsules in glowsticks that you sbap open to combine two chemicals are made of thin glass.
In addition to the glass, the glowsticks contain hydrogen peroxide.
Don't put it in your eyes ever!
Also, the stuff in glowsticks smells funny, tastes gross, and can discolor fabric. It is more fun to keep it in the tubes.
JohnWalterRoberts: Said the person who's never had glow-in-the-dark eyes.
No, but seriously, that shit will murder your eyes. Found out last night the eye that got it the worst is now chronically dry and painful.
CandidCallie: My fiance had glow in the dark eyes. He regretted it. Even after taking out his contacts and rinsing his eyes thoroughly that night, he was continued having problems for awhile (at least a week) afterward.
If you get a shard of glass from the glowstick innards embedded in your eye along with the hydrogen peroxide, I imagine you could lose or damage your eye permanently.
You know how hydrogen peroxide bubbles when you put it on a cut? If it reacts to the tissues and fluid in your eye in the same way (it could get in from the glass shards in the glowstick tube), imagine what will happen.
Just don't put the stuff in your eyes.
If you want glow in the dark eyes, look into buying a blacklight and some novelty glow in the dark contact lenses.
| 5 | 6.4 | |
1379023974 | 1379086430 | null | t5_2to41 | 62 | Spoogington: TIFU by playing cookie clicker
So have you ever heard of the game cookie clicker? You should never try it. I was introduced to this devilishly addicting game a few days ago, and my roommate and I were playing nonstop.
Then, a computer broke.
Not because we were clicking too much, or the computer overheated, but because in my excitement over my roommate's golden cookie powerup I knocked over a glass of water onto his new MacBook Pro. And despite our valiant efforts, doing all the things one should do when mixing water and electronics, the computer is now in the shop for what I assume is at least a new logic board.
TL;DR: Cookie Clicker may be free for most, but it cost me $800.
Peavy_Can_Fly: That game is probably more addictive than meth.
WalkingBoy: there is no "probably". It is.
| 3 | 20.666667 | |
1379024706 | 1379102232 | null | t5_2to41 | 390 | ARabidFly: TIFU by donating blood.
I donated blood today because I like saving lives. They tell you after you are done giving not to do any heavy lifting, or and strenuous activity. Well a couple of hours had gone by since I donated and I had kinda forgotten about the whole thing. I was now at home when I started to get the urge to fap. Being a teenage boy I decided to go for it. Not 2 minutes into it and I get light headed. The next thing I know I am on the ground, cock in hand. I had passed out because all the blood when to my dick and I was low on blood to begin with.
xgloryfades: To anyone reading this: please don't get put off blood donation, it is so so important that people donate. I've been donating ever since I became eligible and never fainted. They take good care of you, they give you fluids pre-donation and snacks post-donation. and to OP, try Lucozade next time!
**^sorry ^for ^the ^lecture, ^it's ^important ^to ^me**
daoloth: Don't forget the fluids post-donation (here in Canada, anyway)! I've never donated in the States, but up here you get all the cookies/juice you can eat! You are literally saving lives by donating, Americans can get actual money from it, and the slight lightheaded feeling one often gets is actually really pleasant.
tl;dr save lives for free snacks and a free high
xgloryfades: I should have mentioned that, thanks for chiming in. I'm in the UK, we don't get paid but I do it for the free tea and kitkats, that and the feeling of having done a good deed is payment enough. I have an uncommon type too (B Negative - 2% of the UK population) so there's never much in stock and I feel a sense of responsibility to pitch in.
daoloth: >kitkats
Knockoff Oreos, here. :/
xgloryfades: Ooh, unlucky. Though at my local it seems the budget's been spent on snacks, they haven't got those fancy flip chairs yet. We have to climb on fold out tables.
daoloth: Ahh; clearly we've been blowing our budget on the chairs. You guys have your priorities straight!
xgloryfades: I'll gladly climb on a table for good chocolate! Hang on, that sounds wrong...
I don't mind really, the make shift table set up in the local church hall means I can pass the time by pretending it's a camp of survivors set up during the apocalypse.
daoloth: Man, Kit Kats AND zombie apocalypse pantomime?! If it weren't for your crazy, crazy government...
xgloryfades: Well, it sounds like a good deal but we literally pay for it in our blood...
daoloth: Meh, it grows back in a month.
| 11 | 35.454545 | |
1379027428 | 1379046538 | null | t5_2to41 | 90 | pfpiper0: TIFU by farting in the car wash.
I had just entered the car wash, windows up. Double checked that the windows were up. I felt a bubble in my abdomen. I lifted up my butt and pushed out a small, but very stinky fart. I had to put up with it for the next 2-3 minutes because I could not roll the windows down. My only regret was I was all alone.
dottmatrix: You trusted a fart and didn't shit yourself?! That's not [r/tifu](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu) material!
hides_in_your_fridge: Also not having anyone in the car makes it a bit weak on the TIFU scale of fuck ups. Still funny though coz farts.
NightHawk877: I was once in the car wash with my dog. I drove into a locust swarm and decided to go through an automatic wash. Do not be anywhere near a German Shepherd when it farts.
| 4 | 22.5 | |
1379030411 | 1379215810 | null | t5_2to41 | -5 | guruchild: TIFU by having a micro-stroke in front of my boss.
roses269: How did you learn to fake micro-strokes and why would you fake them? Also, I hope you are doing better!
guruchild: I'm somewhat overqualified for my job, I'm stuck in it because of my own mistakes in life, so I'm a bit of a cynic. It doesn't take much for me to hate someone I don't know very well. I tend to take all my own responsible failures and lump them up behind my terrible personality of "serve me well in some way or fuck off and die!"
To answer your question, I've had close family members die from strokes, whom exhibited mini-stroke symptoms before they passed in the final stroke. I've read much about micro-strokes and their effects AND MY FUCKING WIFE WON'T STOP MAKING NOISE AND DOING ALL HER OCD SHIT FUCK ... What was I... I... fuck this.
roses269: I'm thinking that your apparent stress level might need to be addressed so you stop having mini strokes. Also, using faking a stroke to get out of a conversation is a super dick move.
guruchild: I rarely say I'm not a dick. I can be a nice guy, just like everyone else. But, deep down, I am a giant dick. People fucking piss me off and I burn most of my life's energy restraining myself from strangling the fuck out of the next idiot who deserves it.
courtoftheair: Don't say it like you're proud. Do something about your dickish behaviour.
guruchild: When I run into fucknoughts like you, I do something about it... I make it worse. Oh sure, you may not be the random dickcrunch that pays the price for your hypocritical bullshit comment, but someone will. I'm a dick because you are. NOW FUCK OFF AND DIE, SHIT FOR BRAINS!
courtoftheair: Oh right, you're a twelve year old. I had mistaken you for an adult capable of accepting their own responsibility for their actions.
guruchild: I UNGAHHH!!! RTEDARDDEDED FUCK YOU IDIOT FUCK OFF AND DIE
| 9 | -0.555556 | |
1379034317 | 1379205526 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,470 | [deleted]: TIFU by playing an office prank that nearly cost 1,300+ people their jobs and lost mine
king4456: To be blunt. You seem like a Fucking loser who has no business in an office setting. Glad the corporate world chewed you up early on. No I am not a lawyer. I am an actual blue collar worker. Grow up and understand that you were the problem in that story.
sarge21: Assuming this is all true, he played a prank, realized it was going to affect other people, fessed up and admitted his mistake (sacrificing his job).
While not really professional, it shows character and maturity.
PhonyUsername: Could it be that people don't take those risks on a daily basis because of consequences and that shows even more character and maturity?
My guess is this kid has a decently off family that may have sacrificed a bit so he could go to law school and brush off a job opportunity that someone else might need more than him.
sarge21: > Could it be that people don't take those risks on a daily basis because of consequences and that shows even more character and maturity?
Maturity, maybe. Character, not really, in my opinion.
> My guess is this kid has a decently off family that may have sacrificed a bit so he could go to law school and brush off a job opportunity that someone else might need more than him.
I don't know what relevance your guesses about his circumstances have.
PhonyUsername: > I don't know what relevance your guesses about his circumstances have.
I guessed that because everyone can't afford law school and less fortunate wouldn't treat it as a joke. It's relevant cause it shows a lack of character and doesn't deserve praise imo. Especially compared to people who don't act like brats in the first place.
sarge21: >It's relevant cause it shows a lack of character and doesn't deserve praise imo.
It's not relevant and it doesn't show this. Reason: it's your guess and you made it up.
PhonyUsername: Sure. I could be wrong. It's completely realistic to think that he comes from a lower class family and is the first to make it through college (law school at that) which he paid for by himself and after all that just brushes off the opportunity. Right?
sarge21: It's reasonable to make judgements based on what you know and refrain from making assumptions.
| 9 | 163.333333 | |
1379035286 | 1379096891 | null | t5_2to41 | 43 | Metallicpoop: TIFU by talking about pussycats
I was talking with my girlfriend on facebook and we somehow went to the topic of cats. She asked me if I owned a cat and I said "No, but I drown myself in pussy every Sunday". I volunteer for an animal rescue group every Sunday where I hang out with cats. Her mom was apparently behind her and saw the joke. Now she thinks I'm dumb. It^was^a^brilliant^pun
Bassnectar_and_milk: So you're dating this girl and she doesn't even know if you have a cat or not?...
HydrofoilGoat: That's about the second question I ask everyone I meet
Bassnectar_and_milk: Well it's not just some girl he met, it's his girlfriend, ffs! You'd think that would come up in small talk preceding the dating phase.
Metallicpoop: To be honest, I never expected a relationship. Everything happened pretty much in the spur of the moment. I've known her at work for about a good month but we never really had long conversations but we both felt an attraction.
Another_Desk_Jockey: That's not your girlfriend. That's a girl you're considering dating. Have you been on a date yet?
Metallicpoop: Yes
| 7 | 6.142857 | |
1379037813 | 1379190453 | null | t5_2to41 | 346 | StinginPlatypus: TIFU by accidentally getting a guitar pick stuck in my asshole.
First of all, I'm typing this on my phone, so I apologize for any spelling/grammar errors in advance.
Okay, so, I'm in high school, and I was just happily going about my day until I get into my music period, which is my second to last period. It's pretty great, we just sit around and play music blah blah. So, I lent my friend one of my guitar picks, and at the end of class she came to give it back. Now I had totally forgotten about it, and instead of giving it back she thought it would be funny to drop down my shirt. So she did.
The guitar pick fell through my shirt, and into my pants. I knew it was there, but I couldn't grab it, because I was standing in the middle of class and was not going to stick my hand down my pants and feel around my ass to find it. I figured it'd just fall out through my shorts eventually, so I just started heading towards my next class.
Only it didn't fall out through my shorts.
No, no, it got stuck in my underwear and decided to lodge itself into my asscrack. Now, for some stupid reason, instead of heading to the bathroom and pulling it out then and there, I decided to just keep going to class. When I get there, I notice a problem for the first time.
If I sit down, that little fucker is gonna fly up my ass like a penis in a porno.
But I decide to do it anyways. I sit, and that bitch does exactly that. At this point, I figure I should excuse myself to the restroom and get I out, but I'm worried that it will get too deep in to get out if I do, because the nearest bathroom was far away. So I make a decision.
I'm pulling that fucker out.
I reached into my pants while sitting down, squirm a little, and stick my fingers in my asscheecks. I feel around for a second, find the bastard, and rip it out. My fingers emerge slightly wet, smelly, and with a guitar pick in hand. Then a thought hits me...
I was just squirming around in a chair, with my hand in my ass, and then pulled out a guitar pick. Fuck.
TLDR; I got a guitar pick stuck in my ass, pulled it out, and now fear being known as the guy who fingers his own asshole in class.
EDIT: Of course, my most upvoted post ever is a self post about getting a guitar pick stuck in my ass.
OfficialNT4L: Weird question. Do you live in AZ?
StinginPlatypus: Uhh... UHHHH....
OfficialNT4L: Yeah. Hi, Riley. I think that's what your name was. How's 9th grade, old buddy?
Don't worry bro I won't tell anyone ;)
StinginPlatypus: [Oh shit](http://i.imgur.com/UyLJJ.gif)
| 5 | 69.2 | |
1379036448 | 1379128866 | null | t5_2to41 | 356 | [deleted]: TIFU by paying the pizza guy after smoking a bowl.
I got done running a few miles and didn't feel like cooking, so I ordered a pizza. Didn't change out of my workout clothes and went to smoke a bowl while waiting for my delicious 'za to arrive. As I'm finishing my bowl I hear the doorbell, so I ash out the bowl and stick it into the pocket of my shorts. I sign the receipt and receive my pizza. I stop the guy before he gets off the porch so I can give him a tip, but it takes me a few seconds to fish it out of my pocket. I see him look at me, and really quickly turn away with a strange look on his face. Not sure what it was all about at the time, but I hand him his tip and go back inside. I look down to realize that my pipe was laying in the pocket of my very-lightweight shorts, making it look distinctly like an erect dick. Perfect head outline and clear shaft pointing right towards my real (And quite flaccid, I assure you.) penis. It must have looked like I was going for *my* tip while I was going for *his* tip.
Time to find a new pizza place, I guess.
Edit: The pizza was delicious, by the way.
Delror: >'za
Who the fuck calls a pizza that?
Numl0k: I just wanted to throw it in for comedic effect.
FAP-FOR-BRAINS: have a downvote for making me cringe while I am constipated
Numl0k: OMGLOL LE CRINGE
I'll take the downvote and return in kind.
FAP-FOR-BRAINS: upvoted, just to be contrarian and so random, yah?
| 6 | 59.333333 | |
1379045026 | 1379078628 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | 8nate: TIFU by throwing my lighter against the wall really hard.
It's not as bad as it sounds, actually. I was smoking a cig outside my friend's house with some people. My yellow crack lighter, which I had been trying to kill for some time, finally died, so I celebrated by whipping it against a wall a few feet in front of me. It didn't explode, but my friends freaked out at me. Some people where more understading and explained the principle of exploding lighters. For some reason, I never figured that lighters explode when slammed against something really hard. It seems obvious, of course. It's full of flammable liquid and would explode if it slammed against something. I mean, the lighter was dead, so I figured it wouldn't matter. Appearently, it's common knowledge. And that's it. Had to put it down somewhere.
geological-tech: Yeah I don't get how this is a fuck up. Your friend over reacts.
8nate: Appearently it could've blown up and caused shrapnel to fly everywhere. And also it's common knowledge that I didn't know
geological-tech: It's a lighter they don't explode like bombs, your friend is an over reacting idiot.
CandidCallie: The really cheap lighters DO explode if they are thrown or fall and hit a hard surface just right. It has been years since I've messed around with these lighters, but if I remember correctly, one of the short edges where the side met the bottom of the lighter had to hit a hard surface just right.
Good lighters don't explode like that. Just the really really cheap terrible ones.
| 5 | 2 | |
1379046773 | 1379096750 | null | t5_2to41 | 75 | Nymeria007: TIFU by getting drunk and playing sports.
I joined my company's softball team this past season. Big fucking mistake.
So far this season I have gotten a black eye (beaned in the face by a grounder of all things), pulled both quadriceps at the same time, dislocated my shoulder, and gotten a nasty scrape on my leg from sliding into third. I am not athletically inclined.
Well, tonight was our last game of the season. We decide to have a little Warm-up Juice (vodka crangrape) and hit the field. I'm up to bat, and everything is a little blurry. I swing. Next thing I know, I am in the dugout surrounded by teammates who are debating calling an ambulance. I work with healthcare professionals. My doctor is on the team. I tell them, "Don't do it guys, I can't afford another hospital stay or an ambulance ride. I'm fine. Just help me up. What happened?"
I knocked myself out with my own bat. And I have work tomorrow.
Locrian_DM: I'm trying to figure out how you managed that. Too bad no one was videoing the game, that's a web-redemption worthy one.
Nymeria007: I have no idea how this happened. My friend tried to explain it to me, but I feel like I would have had to have used superhuman strength and agility to master the art. I guess I swung, missed, did a full follow-through, and whapped myself in the temple when it slipped out of my hand a little bit. If only there was video....
Locrian_DM: That's a million hits on the ole Tube there, if you had it.
| 4 | 18.75 | |
1379045649 | 1379427955 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | My_shit_account: TIFU by taking the strangest shit of my life so far
this was a couple days ago, but just now found out whats going on awhile ago. So I was taking a regular dump a couple nights ago and while taking it, there was a bit of s sharp part to it.(not sure if anyone else has ever felt that, but it feels like a blade is hidden in your shit) So nothing big, and it passes by unnoticed and its just a usual day. So the rest of the day is fine. No problemo. So later that night, my asshole starts hurting. Not like really bad, but like a sore feeling. So my initial thought was "Maybe I totally missed a spot while wiping, I dunno" so I go in, re wipe, nothing. I'm a little stumped, but for now, I'll leave it alone. I wake up the next morning, and it still hurts, but a little more. So by this time, my curiosity is peaked enough to where I reach down there, and find if I can feel what's going on. Then, I suddenly feel this bump. Bigger than any bump my asshole should ever have. Let me be clear here. My. Asshole. Not between my cheeks, but my actual muscles that retract when I shit. So now I'm all like How the hell did a zit get there? so I pinch it as hard as I can without screaming, and it just kinda rolls under my finger, no pus, water, nothing.(At this moment I imagined the bump saying "lol, no") Ok, so this fucking think is way too big to be an undeveloped zit, I've only got one choice. To spread my cheeks like I'm in a goddamn porno in front of my full body mirror on my bedroom door. So I look at it, and its just a big black bump. Then it hit me, Its a fucking blood blister. ON/IN MY ASSHOLE!(or so I think, im like 80% sure) So now I can't clench my butt or it'll flare up, and sitting down isn't exactly comfortable. I don't know what to do....
CandidCallie: It sounds like it could be a hemorrhoid.
My_shit_account: Well, I looked it up, and yeah, your probably right. IT SUCKKKSSSS
Pfheonix: Yep. I've had them. Sucks, but that's what it is. Let it go on its own.
thisisntben: Yeah I've had one, just get the cream and apply it, goes away after a week or so. No big deal.
| 5 | 5.8 | |
1379056079 | 1379063436 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU trying to add someone on facebook who's twice my age who I flirted with while I was drunk at a party and is a family friend.
Backstory: My sister is moving out of state for a job and she had a going away party Saturday night. She's the oldest (29) and I'm the youngest (18, soon to be 19 at the end of the month) and we have two brothers in between. All four of us were at that party including a few of my cousins closer to my sister's age and a few of her friends I've known for years. Basically a lot of people I know well and love were there.
Since I hardly drank and went to parties in high school I thought I'd let loose that night. Little did I know my sister's friend who I had heard about and knew he was very handsome and older than me would be there. He has done business with my father and has treated my brother and sister for hypnotherapy which is his profession. He was very nice, charasmatic, funny, charming, and super handsome so I engaged him in conversation by asking a lot about hypnotherapy which I was genuinely curious to learn more about. As he talked I drank...a lot of sangria. The more liquid courage I had the more courageous and flirtatious I felt. Being an overweight girl who just lost 20 pounds with a cute dress on all dolled up, I felt confident and had little shame. In my defense 3 years ago he sort of tried to ask out my sister (she's overweight too, more so than me) before he knew she was engaged and we look like twins so I figured he'd at least see *something* in me even if he never acted upon it. I made it obvious I wanted his attention though I tried to be sublte in my drunken state. Even learning the fact that he graduated high school the year I was born hardly phased me. I didn't care, I was just flirting for fun! Big fucking red flag there other than the fact that he's associated with my family.
We even sang karaoke together. He picked Lady Gaga's, "Bad Romance" which I thought was appropriate in a hypothetical situation if we ever dated, which would never happen. But it was fun and we both had a good time singing horribly.
By the end of the night we exchanged business cards since I considered hypnotherapy in the past and he asked for mine since I'm a makeup artist and he said there could be a time when he needs a makeup artist for videos or photo shoots for advertising his business. I didn't think it would go any where with the business cards so I didn't think much of it at all.
Next day, I remembered what had happened and felt extremely embarassed for what my family and friends witnessed even though they lightly joked about it. Still, I was embarassed that I, a young college girl, tried to flirt with a man twice my age who was out of my league and probably has tons of better looking women closer to his age throwing themselves at him. Overall I thought he was pretty neutral with his responses to my flirting which was all vocal, not at all physical, so I thought I was safe in a sense not having scared him away.
Then a friend of mine talked me into sending him a facebook friend request and I said I'd wait at least a couple of days. So today I did it in the afternoon and a few hours later checked his profile to see that what had said "friend requested" went back to "add friend" and I basically got rejected. Now I feel like a dumbass for it. I'm hoping if I ever see him at events that it won't be awkward and he won't judge me but I doubt that will be the case. The alternative would be avoiding him all together.
The only good thing about this is the subtle rejection killed my obsessive infatuation and now I can actually focus on my obligations which I wasn't able to do since the party. I couldn't help it before and I thought about him a lot in the past couple of days since the party but now I'm back to reality though when I first saw it, it was a huge blow to my self-esteem which is low to begin with. I'll just learn from this and try hard to work on that and not make that mistake again! I am a little worried he might say something to my sister about this and share his judgements which she would rub in my face for the next 20 years and have fun making me feel even more shitty about this whole thing. I also now see that I think I was so infatuated with him because he would be my ideal man later in life; basically *"husband material"* though I am at times attracted to older men who are attractive but *way* too old for me to date.
**TDLR: Met a family friend twice my age at a party with some of my loved ones present and tried to flirt with him while I was very drunk. Tried to friend request him on facebook, basically got rejected within hours. Despite this being my anonymous account where I say things as if I weren't ashamed, I am now.**
EDIT: While trying to google something for my brother on my home computer my sister's facebook was open and this guy's name was at the top of list of people online. I really shouldn't care since its just a fb friend request and we probably would have had little to no interaction online, rejection of any sort sucks balls to hyper-sensitive people like me. I hate it, I hate him a little, but mostly hate myself for what I did and making a big deal about it in my head. :( Whatever, I fucked up first impressions and just have to move on with my life because this little incident is just fueling my insecurities and there's no need for it. uugghhh I can't wait until a week or two from now when I'll be completely over all of this nonsense...
peetar: I think this is pretty much what 18 year olds do.
hormones, aren't they great?
mynoshameaccount: They reveal your true self when you're drunk and horny :(
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1379036617 | 1379088010 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | jordanzzz: TIFU by pulling my phone out of my pocket
Well. Today is my birthday was headed out to get food with the wife and some friends, got to the restaurant and we found a 20$ bill on the ground, I picked it up excited that I had found 20 bucks. Turned out when I got home, that it must have been my 20 bucks, and that the other 80 I had plus a 30 dollar check from my grandparents, is missing. So now I'm broke on my birthday. Figure it must have happened when I pulled my phone out of my pocket or something that the cash and check came out with it.
TL;DR: Lost all my money on my birthday, now broke. =/
Aclark1337: Sorry bro :(... Invest in a money clip.. Or a wallet.... Or a ziplock bag labeled "money".
jordanzzz: Ah yeah man truth be told I never meànt to leave the house with it. I had it on my desk then the wife cleaned it up so when I saw it again I guess j just tossed it in my pocket
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1379070732 | 1379075223 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by talking to a girl
This ones a bit old but I just learned about this sub.
So, I kept running into this girl whom I'd gone to high school with at college. We get to chatting and I grab her number. Fast forward a month or so. We are finally chilling out and meet up at a local mall. We get to talking about stuff and then we get into the serious conversations. Stuff has been going really well. I don't even remember how we got on the subject but I go off on a rant about people giving up their kids for adoption.
A little back story. One of my best friends was given up for adoption and needless to say he's got a few issues because of it. I also come from a very family first type family so yea..
Needless to say she breaks out crying and I have no idea why. I'm sitting there baffled trying to figure out what just happened. I feel terrible at this point and am continually asking what's wrong. Short story she had a kid with a guy and had to give it up. What's even worse is that I'm friends with the guy so she thought I was being a total douche. Needless to say I haven't seen her since that night.
CatchUNextTuesday: This right here is why you keep your asshole, ignorant opinions about things you clearly don't understand to yourself. Yes, you fucked up. Big time.
Sosen: TIFU, not TYFU.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1379048353 | 1379096969 | null | t5_2to41 | 79 | Locrian_DM: TIFU by playing "Superman" right after lunch
This happened last weekend, but I keep forgetting this sub exists. I need to come here more often.
My wife had just finished feeding our son and needed me to hold him for a bit. My brain didn't process that "just ate" = "warning : splash zone" and I did what I usually do when this little 6-month old is smiling at me - I laughed, he laughed, I lifted him upwards, tilting him flat and declared "SUPERMAN!!!"
This is the most I've seem him puke to date. I'm still amazed that he kept laughing through the whole thing.
None of it got on him, or the furniture, or the floor. The entirety of the eruption was on myself. Up the nose, in my ear, a bit in my mouth, all over the shirt, and the beard.... Oh God, the beard...
I wouldn't say that my beard is "magnificent," but I would say that it rivals many of my friends' beards. Think of it like a red fro on my chin. Super absorbent. I could smell it for the rest of the day and most of the next.
**TL:DR** - TIL beards can hold amazing amounts of baby vomit.
barnacledoor: Lol, this should be crossposted to /r/BreakingDad. I think they'd appreciate it there.
Locrian_DM: ooh, didn't know about that one. Great idea.
| 3 | 26.333333 | |
1379050303 | 1379079270 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | SolarWonk: TIFU by accidentally tripping the fire alarm when others wanted to do it on purpose
I'm at the place in town that charges a cover for god awful shitty live music played indoors at 65db because I'm in bumblefuck, Mississippi and while its a college town, I still have no hope for their future.
The doors to the back porch are idiotic. One is a regular door, and another is a fire alarm door that does nothing because the porch is completely fenced in. But that's what you get in a city without a permit department.
So this loud bumblely mixture of why you'll never tell your kids about alternative music is driving people out to the porch. I go back inside and the noise gets ungodly worse. The fire alarm has gone off, and the musician is competing for audio waves. It sounds worse, or does it?
- someone pulled the fire alarm, Somebody said
- maybe they went through the wrong door, another.
Perhaps I was obviously guilty. I didn't care. Fuck this town. There were people out there who wanted to do it, and maybe they dd. But I probably did it by accident. Today I fucked up, but I don't give a sh+
TheHydrogenator: I feel like this belongs on r/pettyrevenge
SolarWonk: it was an accident
TheHydrogenator: just a suggestion, I'd repost it there this was pretty amusing
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1379092401 | 1379111106 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | TheDude61636: TIFU I flashed my bios from windows
I have a MSI z77-g41 and it comes with a software called liveupdate and I started the program and it said there is and update for your drivers so I pressed total installer and it started downloading the updates and I went to get a snack and I came back to see it stuck on updating the bios here is the picture of where it stopped
http://i.imgur.com/JPvLuOb.jpg
And now I have a dead motherboard
Curufir: It isn't dead until you reboot.
EDIT: If you haven't rebooted then download the older version of the BIOS from the MSI site, close everything else down and run the Windows installer for that update.
TheDude61636: It froze I couldn't move the mouse and I couldn't use the keyboard so it was dead there was no possible way to make it run again I'm gonna see if I can get it fixed and if not well I guess I have to get another one
Curufir: There are still a few things you can try. Most modern BIOS come with an emergency recovery mode that you can use to flash from a disk/USB. MSI has some [instructions](https://forum-en.msi.com/index.php?topic=119375.0) that might solve it.
TheDude61636: wow thanks i'm gonna try it tomorrow
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1379047143 | 1379126545 | null | t5_2to41 | 57 | Locrian_DM: TIFU - Capsacin is nasty stuff
This is actually a former friend that did this.
Saw an Ask Science post today that reminded me of this story. Happened several years ago but figured it's good to share as it teaches a good lesson.
http://www.reddit.com/r/askscience/comments/1m9vrn/are_there_real_physical_dangers_in_eating/
The guy that runs our local nerd store has a tendency to get on obsessive kicks. It started with energy drinks - to support his energy drink habit, he would sell energy drinks so he could get them cheap. This evolved into hand sanitizer, cigars, and eventually a variety of hot sauces. He offered a very wide variety of sauces, nearly none of which I have ever seen elsewhere.
One day one of the regulars comes in (let's call him Dummy) and sees the sauces. He immediately starts bragging about how he can handle any sauce and how he's drunk several different kinds before. No one eggs him on, just kind of a "cool story bro" type situation with this guy, as he does this a lot. He won't let it go though and keeps insisting that he could drink the hottest sauce in the store.
On top of one of the display cases was the hottest sauce that the store had. It was in a glass skull and sealed with wax. The container was about 2 oz. and came with an eye dropper. Directions said to use one drop per gallon of whatever liquid to which it was being added. There was a warning label that rivals those on some industrial machinery and a Scoville rating over 1 million. Dummy decides he is going to drink the whole thing.
Lucky for Dummy we manage to talk him down from actually drinking the stuff and convince him to just use the eye dropper. Within a few seconds there are tears running down his face, his eyes are red and he's making very strange noises. The guy chokes the stuff down and recovers a little, but his lips and tongue both start swelling pretty bad. He ended up leaving pretty quickly after that and we didn't hear from him for a couple weeks.
We heard a little while later that he had developed huge blisters on his tongue and throat and he had trouble eating for a while. I don't think I ever actually saw the guy again after the incident. There were reports that he ended up in the hospital for a while because he couldn't breath from the damage to his throat, but I don't know if that part is true.
**tl:dr** - guy wanted to drink fire, got burned.
Edit : Pretty sure it was Blair's 3AM reserve. Same price too.
http://www.firehotsauces.com/hs0167.html
bubonis: Capsaicin is a hell of a drug.
Locrian_DM: I hear that the really nasty stuff, like 16 million Scoville units, come in crystal form.
Wonder if anyone's ever tried...
edman007: I've tried the 1 million stuff (maybe it was 2 mil), just a drop on a chip, within 30 seconds my ears were ringing (middle ear shares the nerves with the taste buds). Stuff was hot, but washing it down with food and drink and I had no long term effects, just the standard hot food effects. The Crystal stuff (16mil) can't be safe.
Locrian_DM: From what I read, you use the 16 mil crystals by adding them directly to the sauce and let them dissolve to boost the level, not actually eat them.
| 5 | 11.4 | |
1379112992 | 1379280762 | t3_1mbu10 | t5_2to41 | 16 | Lonelan: Can confirm this is his neighbor.
Source: I'm the boat
Brahma1234: Can confirm OP has neighbors
k12314: Can confirm neighbors are neighbors of neighbors who have neighbors.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1379096385 | 1379202591 | null | t5_2to41 | 651 | Zecin: TIFU 16 years ago and accidentally denounced God in a church
**TL;DR** *When I was five I ran around a church screaming, "PUT DOWN YOUR HANDS, YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO REACH GOD" because I wanted to help.*
I've lurked around TIFU for a while and it only dawned on me now that this might be a good story to share. My family gets a good laugh out of it nowadays, so here you guys go:
When I was about five my parents (both far from religious) thought it'd be good to bring my younger sister and me to church just to see if we liked it. It was one of those churches where they do a fair bit of singing and put their hands up in the air. I'm getting a bit confused as to why people are putting their hands up, so I ask my dad. He doesn't know why, but he tells me that they're trying to get closer to God. Now at this point I had always thought that God was some magical ruler that lived up in the clouds, so hearing about these people trying to physically reach him seemed ridiculous. They were obviously never going to be able to reach him when they couldn't even reach the ceiling. I needed to help these people. So, that's about when I started running around the church screaming "PUT DOWN YOUR HANDS, YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO REACH GOD!" over and over and over again. My parents were pretty embarrassed, a few people looked at me like I was the antichrist, my dad broke out into uncontrollable laughter, and we never went to church again. I might have been a bit of a handful when I was a kid.
I'll add that neither I nor anyone else in my immediate family have anything against religious folk, this was just me being an idiot child that wanted to help out.
Proclaim_the_Name: Well, technically you were right in more ways than one. 1) People cannot physically "reach" God. 2) If you're a Christian, neither can you "reach" God by fully understanding him. How can you fully understand what is infinite and all-knowing? 3) If you're atheist, you won't "reach" God, because in your mind he doesn't exist.
So to me, that was kind of an unknowingly profound thing for a 5-year old to say.
fuckallthatshit: The child clearly out-thought the entire room of adults. (Not that it is hard to do when the adults live in fear of their imaginary friend.)
Edit: http://i.imgur.com/oedkEJz.jpg
Americandesserts: So edgy and clever
maxsil: Why is it okay to rip on people who wholeheartedly believe that Obama is a lizard alien but it's not okay to rip on people doing really pointless shit like praying before meals?
farinaceous: Because it isn't pointless to the people praying?
maxsil: And hanging up fliers warning people of chemtrails, guesting in tv programs talking about how obama will push his muslim-lizard agenda onto the people isn't pointless for the conspiratards either. Because they wholeheartedly believe that what they're doing is important.
And yet people (including me) rip the piss out of them
bbeltjer: *tips fedora*
maxsil: What a mature response
bbeltjer: about as mature for mocking people for their personal beliefs. go back to /r/atheism bananafag
maxsil: What is the difference between ripping the piss out of people doing stupid shit because they read it in a book.
They then go about doing stupid shit because of that.
And ripping the piss out of people who believe that the gov't is poisoning us with lethal chemtrails containing dihydrogen monoxide.
Who then hang up fliers, organize events, and all that because that is what they think is the right thing to do.
Why can we make fun of one group, when they both use the same logic for their arguments, and they both have pretty backwards personal beliefs that spill out into their communities?
bbeltjer: enjoy wasting your energy mocking the thoughts of others
maxsil: 6/10 you had me going for a good wile
| 13 | 50.076923 | |
1379097731 | 1379098799 | null | t5_2to41 | 0 | Ibelieveinsummerseve: Tifu - By being in the best relationship I've ever had and about ruined it by FB flirting...
My SO is the best thing to come into my life in a long time. He's funny, smart, determined, kind hearted and a rock star in bed. He's everything to me.
And I fucked up royally by being a complete and total idiot and flirting online with some guy...
What was I thinking?... I wasn't. Some guy that I had the hots for a while ago was giving me attention and I just went for it.
Nothing happened. No cheating or anything of the sort. But I still really hurt my SO. And that's what I'm so pissed at myself for.
Was the small amount of fleeting attention worth hurting my SO and ruining the trust in our relationship? Absolutely not.
I'll do anything to make it up to my SO. Anything.
crustalmighty: Booooring.
I want to hear how you got you're ear caught in a helicopter blade or sent your gran a picture of your undercarriage.
Ibelieveinsummerseve: Sorry to bore you. I don't have anything grad like that to share... Just my fuck up.
| 3 | 0 | |
1379099303 | 1379106523 | null | t5_2to41 | 324 | In7meanFlavors: Tifu by not thoroughly chewing my food.
So today I made an egg, mushroom, chia seed, cilantro and garlic scramble (don't judge, I need to go to the foods libraries). I was starving and it was oh so delicious that I just scarfed her right the fuck down. Afterward I proceeded to get ready for my day. At the end of my teeth cleaning ritual I always finish with brushing my tongue. Unfortunately today I over did it, activated my gag reflex, and up came the scramble. After making sure my hand and toothbrush had survived unscathed, I surveyed the damage in the basin below.
My first thought was that I was going to have to water-blast/waffle-poke my way out of this mess but that was before I noticed that the chunks of egg and mushroom wouldn't fit through the holes and would probably just clog the pipe anyway. How unpleasant. I finally resolved to use toilet paper to sort of "pick up" the pile of puke, in a similar fashion to the way one cleans up after a dog, and quickly fling it into the toilet. Needless to say it soaked through the paper and was disgusting. I couldn't help but think that if I had just spent more time chewing my food I could have avoided this particular moment of nastiness.
The end.
myredditses: Or next time you can try exhaling as you brush your tongue and it should prevent the gagging and subsequent vomitting.
Lord_Yaxley: Or holding your thumb with the rest of your fingers in one hand. Isn't that also supposed to help? I dunno, that sounds weird now I look at it. My gran once told me that the cure for spots was to rub a stone on your face and bury it at a crossroads, or something.
WeenieButtJR: That's how to summon a demon, your gran probably mixed up the two.
Fgmaniac: Or she really hated him, and wanted him to die a gruesome death.
| 5 | 64.8 | |
1379103613 | 1379172313 | t3_1mbzgj | t5_2to41 | 15 | Ghostofazombie: Wow, you called someone a faggot; I can't handle this much edginess.
bladbladyblabla: Why do you think he was trying to be edgy? Is faggot an edgy word?
Ghostofazombie: Yes, it's an insult used by people trying to be edgy.
LordVilhelm: Faggot.
Ghostofazombie: 4edgy8me
Octopus_Tetris: 256edgy 512me.
| 6 | 2.5 | |
1379126144 | 1379179152 | t3_1mc2f3 | t5_2to41 | 12 | ch00f: Then you should subscribe to a subreddit for people who make up stories and not support crap like that here.
cognatus: Dude. You're on the internet. It's Schrödinger's cats all the way down.
Twofoe: Must've happened somewhere in the infinite multiverse.
trashlikeyourmom: This comment made me realize that somewhere in a parallel universe, pens with green ink are probably used as a primary form of currency
| 4 | 3 |
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