start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1379105363 | 1379126419 | null | t5_2to41 | 122 | Drunktitsthrowaway: TIFU by passing out drunk on the couch after masterbating at my parent's house.
So last night drunk me was watching tv in the living room and decided to just sleep on the couch. I turned the tv off and took off my bra for comfort. I started caressing my tits and decided to pull my shirt over my head which really turned me on so I masterbated obviously! Thing is, I passed out that way... My parents wake up around 5 in the morning their daily routine before work. I woke up from noise and just saw my dad look in my direction and walk back into his room. I looked down and my blanket was a little down exposing my tits. That's when I realized my shirt was still pulled over my head... I quickly reassembled myself and pulled my head under the covers in shame until my parents left for work. They don't get home until 7 or so but TIFU, Reddit.
[deleted]: I fell asleep drunk and naked on the sofa at my mums house with my cock in hand, porn the on TV, to be woken by my mums best friend. Porn channel still on TV...
Edit: The point I'm making is that it could have been worse!
zebraldinalindabum: OMG. You should win fuck up of the week. People can still think OP was just too drunk to put on her shirt (once I got so drunk that I put on a shirt on my legs, like pants). But you... oh... poor you... there is no way of pretending you were doing something else...damn...
[deleted]: It was awkward to say the least, especially as my eyes slowly met hers, then my gaze drifted down to my soft cock nestled tightly in my hand, then back to her.
zebraldinalindabum: Awww... poor dude... :(
| 5 | 24.4 | |
1379106130 | 1379959910 | null | t5_2to41 | 71 | Draygn: TIFU by eating a large can of sweetcorn and almost shitting myself on stage in front of a few hundred people
Background information - I'm seventeen, I play violin in a youth orchestra in the UK and this happened two or three months ago, I don't know why I haven't shared it yet.
So I was alone one day for quite a few hours, and I was left to cook my own dinner. Now, I'm lazy, even for a seventeen year old, so I just got a large can of sweetcorn, a spoon, added salt and spent the afternoon slowly eating it whilst playing a bunch of SNES games. Living the fucking life.
The day after, I had to be up at four AM to catch a coach to Birmingham to play in a concert, along with several other youth orchestras from around the country. Now, at this point, I hadn't pooped for something like eleven hours after eating the corn, plus at least another 3 or 4 hours before I ate the corn, but I was running late so I had to pinch it back and soldier on to catch the coach.
Come 6AM, I'm on the coach, and I'm a fucking wreck. I had pins and needles all over, tunnel vision, my hands were shaking, I was borderline delirious, I needed a shit that badly. Unless you've been in the same situation I was in, you might think I'm exaggerating, but I'm sure some of you reading this will know the sheer pain of not being able to go poo for hours. Mercifully, the coach pulled over for petrol eventually and I had the most relieving dump ever. I thought that was the end of my problems, but no. Oh noooo.
Literally minutes before we're meant to go on stage and the feeling comes back but oh so much worse. The toilets were too far away; I couldn't make a run for it, we could have been called on at any moment. So I sit there, on stage, for 20 minutes, battling through symphonies, tears in my eyes, trying so hard not to cack myself in front of all these people. There were photographers from the Classic FM website present, Britain's top classical music radio station. The only one I'm in I'm wincing. Eventually, we get off stage and I go poo. The only damage to my underwear was a single piece of corn.
TL;DR - Ate loads of corn, nearly shit myself on stage, didn't, still counting my blessings today.
Winter_S: I know the feeling where you need to go for a crap that badly.
I went to Germany in Year 7 and I hadn't gone to the toilet for at least a day. So I'm walking around this German town (It was a school trip) and I really needed to go. I had no money so I couldn't pay for the public toilets or use a cafe toilet (customers only).
There was this one hotel full of loads of WWII German veterans (I fucked up by waving to a friend near by to the hotel. I waved by putting my hand into the air (yeah. I nazi saluted to German war veterans by accident)) so that put me off going into the hotel with a free public toilet.
I had to wait several hours in pain, shaking and feeling liked was going to pass hour untill everyone regrouped and walked to a museum. I had never walked so fast in my life.
Rotten_tacos: You have to pay to use public toilets there?!?
Winter_S: Yep.
| 4 | 17.75 | |
1379111568 | 1379204679 | null | t5_2to41 | 55 | [deleted]: TIFU by not pulling out when the condom broke and being an asshole.
So yeah, I'm seeing this very lovely chinese girl, and she comes over to my place to "see a movie and have pizza". Of course that's not my plan right?
We're drinking beer, I had a few already before she came over and things get hot and heavy fast. We're making out, I take her stockings off, then her panties... Then we go to the bedroom. I have these awesome condoms, called Crown. Best ever, feels like nothing. Well, I try to the put the first one on and in my stupid rushed drunkeness I can't get it on right. No problem, start over I get another condom on and it rolls on fine, pinch the tip and off we go.
So we start going at it, and she feels great. We're into it, I'm loving it, she's into it, and feels awesome. I feel a little tightness around the base of my penis after I've been thrusting for awhile, like the condom moved a little as I'm thrusting, and I think no biggie, it feels really good now. I feel like I have to cum, and I do... then I pull out and notice something. There's a big mess everywhere and the condom is rolled up all the way to base of my penis. Oh shit... I say I'm sorry, she doesn't really say anything at first. We hold each other, and then like an asshole fall into a drunken sleep.
I wake up to her shaking me, and she tells me she's going to go, shes fully dressed already but doesn't know where she parked her car, I have to go find it with her. So we're talking, she tells me she was mad that I fell asleep, I say I'm sorry. She says it's ok, and we find her car. I ask her if she wants to go to a drug store to get plan B, she say's not right now she has to go home because her mom is strict at being home at 11, and she lives 30 minutes away. We say good bye, I thank her told her I had a good time, I keep saying I'm really sorry for everything. She laughs we kiss good night. I go back to bed and don't wake up until the next morning.
She texts me in the morning but I don't wake up until late to answer. Last night was our 4th date, and we kinda don't want to be pregnant so I ask her if she would like me to get the Plan B for her and meet up with her for lunch somewhere because she's at work. I go to the drug store and ask the guy at the pharmacy counter. Pretty straight forward I think, the guy looked annoyed slightly by my request, he asks me to get in line. I wait my turn and and I ask again, the guy grabs it from behind the counter asks for ID and I pay. So I go by her office to pick her up for a lunch date, we have a good time and afterwards we're sitting in my car and I show her the box and we read ALL the side effects of Plan B. They don't sound like fun. She takes the pill before going back to work, and she gets nauseous and dizzy, I feel like an asshole again.
Being a girl sucks, so I'm having flowers delivered to her house.
because-racecar: Why the fuck did he ask you for ID when buying a Plan B? Does it have fucking alcohol or nicotine in it or something?
KCftw07: It's an extremely high dose of hormones (think a full pack of birth control)
because-racecar: Oh ok, thanks.
KCftw07: Anytime. Have a good one.
| 5 | 11 | |
1379113994 | 1379128386 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | cursedorenriched: TIFU by trying to flirt with a girl
This actually happened awhile ago, but I just remembered it now.
While on Facebook, I was chatting with a hot girl, we arrived at the idea of hamsters powering the internet.
**Her** : "Dat furry little thing"
Now, I'm much more suave behind a keyboard, usually.
**Me**: "I hope you're NOT talking about the hamster"
**Her**: "Well in that case, I hope it's not too little ;)"
Remember, I said 'usually'.
**Me**: "Not too little is the perfect way to describe it."
I realized the severe awkwardness of that statement about two minutes later, and awkwardly changed the topic. I think this was more of the fuck-up than anything else.
TL; DR: Just read the damn thing, it's not that long.
JubilantJake: Damn haha, you dun goofed. What happened after that? Did she keep talking or just, you know.. Stop flirting?
cursedorenriched: The conversation continued for some time, but the flirting ceased.
JubilantJake: Awh man, sorry dude :/ learn from that for next time haha
cursedorenriched: Duly noted.
| 5 | 4.6 | |
1379116982 | 1379134055 | null | t5_2to41 | 450 | JubilantJake: TIFU by flipping my boner up in my shorts at my girlfriends.
A few months ago I was at my girlfriends house and we went into the garage to get something to drink while we watched Netflix. Well while we were in there she was being frisky then started giving me a blowjob when we heard her mom out in the kitchen. We quickly grabbed some sodas and walked out. I still had my boner so I stayed a bit behind to adjust it and make it less noticeable. I was in the hallway looking at a mirror and flipped it up in my shorts and unbeknownst to me, her mom was in the part of the kitchen next to her and could see me. Apparently she saw my penis and muttered, "oh my.." And kinda walked away into her room without saying anything else. I didn't know anything until my girlfriend told me after that her mom saw half of my penis.
Tldr; got a boner and tried to hide it when we heard her mom, her mom ended up seeing it and just walked into her room.
Roncanator: That 'oh my' could be a hint you know...
Revelgoodpeople: I like this thinking.
JubilantJake: I like it too. Her mom is hot and separated from her husband. But it'll only ever be a dream haha :p
Revelgoodpeople: Never say that bro, It can happen.
Source : I was threatened into having sex with my friends mother and my friend at the same time.
JubilantJake: Story time?
Revelgoodpeople: My post from Man Whores and Lady Sluts of Reddit, What is the sleaziest/sluttiest thing you've ever done? (nsfw)
I have one and only one great and horrifying story.
About 4 months ago I was at my friends house, We've been friends a decent amount of time probably a year or so. It's about 10 at night, only her and her mother are home. Father works in over night security or something, Idk.
Anyhow after 3 consecutive shots each, my friend and I begin making out, She takes out my dick sucks it, I go down on her and then she gets in the doggy position and we start fucking.
At this point we're both fairly twizzled™ I'm fucking her and then I hear the door open behind me, There stands the mother, I freeze up like a deer in head lights and my friend does the same pulling the covers over her. The mother walks over and gives me 2 options.
I can leave and she'll tell her husband. (Daddy is not only a gun enthusiast, but loves his daughter to death).
She's going to join us and she won't say a word.
I look at my friend and she decides for me and starts sucking my dick again with the mother undressing in front of me then joins her daughter on the bed swapping spit and sucking my dick.
At this point I'm 2 things, 1 - Fearing for my life, and 2 - the most horny I've ever been.
So Now I have them both right in front of me on the bed in doggy position, of course I plunge into mama first. I want to please her so I can escape with my life so I'm fucking the shit out of her while I finger the daughter next to her, a good 15 minutes of continuous rock hard effort later, the mother squirts like she hasn't had an orgasm in 20 years. My entire crotch and front of my legs are now dripping, I pull out and think alright, I paid my dues.
(Wrong) She demands I fuck her daughter while she watches. So I start fucking the daughter again. Mid hump I two hands on my ass and i feel my cheeks being spread apart. I'm panicking a little, but it's soon soothed as she begins to lick my ass. Shortly after the daughter cums, I pull my dick out the mother starts sucking me till I cum. Afterward She throws me my pants and tells me to get out asap. I manage to put my boxers on and run out with my shirt / pants in my hand.
TL;DR Life or death mother daughter pussy.
I can't stress enough how real this actually was, and how much I wish I could have enjoyed it.
JubilantJake: Oh... Oh my God. That's fucking legendary lol. Do you still talk to her? Like damn dude ask for more 3somes haha
Revelgoodpeople: Have not spoken to her since then, It sucks because she was a really good friend.
JubilantJake: How come? Sounds like an awesome thing to let go lol
Revelgoodpeople: Because I think once the drunkenness wore off, She came to a full realization of what had occurred, I tried contacting her via text but she hasn't responded to a single one
JubilantJake: Oh man :/ that sucks.
Revelgoodpeople: Yep, I can check it off my bucket list, but meh..it's bittersweet
JubilantJake: I don't think I'll ever have a mff 3 some so consider yourself lucky. But yeah that does suck that you two don't talk anymore. Maybe mom told her not to?
Revelgoodpeople: I doubt it, I think once the drunkenness wore off she realized what had happened, I tried contacting her again through text but never responded.
JubilantJake: Still that sucks you lost her over that
| 16 | 28.125 | |
1379131486 | 1379382171 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | lemonriot: TIFU I missed my kid's bus drop off after school
Just what I said. Yesterday, I was totally late to the bus stop (by totally I actually mean 2 minutes, but the bus was 8 minutes earlier than usual. So 10. 10 minutes). The driver's are not allowed to let the children get off the bus unless their parent is there. I wasn't. However, the driver confused another mom for me & left my 5 year old with a total stranger (who thankfully "turned him into the office"). If he had realized I wasn't there they would have taken him to the bus barn (at that point he would have been on a hot bus for over 2 hrs) & guess what?! I don't have a car! So, cried like a baby all yesterday afternoon (you know, for being a shitty parent & not meeting the bus & narrowly avoiding a disaster) & debated whether or not to report the driver (kiddo could easily have been hurt-lots of traffic & homeless meth heads everywhere, however I understand how it happened & he was just fine). So today I'm there 30 minutes before the bus is expected & the rest of the parents start showing up. I was bus-shamed. Somehow, all of these people I have never met & certainly never spoken to, are talking about yesterday. To my face. They all know that I AM THE MOTHER WHO WASN'T THERE. Bus stop shamed. Now we have to move (being dramatic). But yeah, I am so upset with myself over this.
MistressLiliana: This happened to me way back when I first moved to my current location. Thing is, it was just snowing slightly and I had to go with my husband to get some official government paperwork filled out. Little did we know for just a dusting of snow the kids got a half day. I freaked the heck out because my kid was dropped off and we knew absolutely no one, we had no idea where the heck she went. Luckily another parent took her home with them and called the school to let them know so when we called looking for her we knew where to go. She was in kindergarten so something very bad could of happened, but I suppose she would have just played in the yard until we got back otherwise as we didn't live far from the bus stop. It is not exactly the best neighborhood here either, and now we don't get along with any of the neighbors so I am glad it happened back then. Of course, now it would never happen because my kids started attending a cyber charter school 7 years ago and learn at home.
lemonriot: I had been debating online or homeschooling. Enrolled him in kindergarten so he could develop socially Leaning back towards homeschool now.
MistressLiliana: I really like the cyber schools, most even send a computer to use and reimburse a certain amount of your internet bill. You still need to take them to a site for mandatory state wide testing, but otherwise it works really well.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1379127424 | 1379200416 | null | t5_2to41 | 101 | MrGoodGlow: TIFU by leaving my bathroom door open while a cat was inside, ended up pissing all over a cat. Bathroom is a mess.
I go to piss, leave the bathroom door open.
Now we have this outdoor cat named Yo-Yo that we sometimes let in.
Yo-Yo is super friendly, affectionate, not all that bright. I mean, the type of cat that exposes it belly to a possum thinking it's a friend. Obviously this cat doesn't have very great survival instincts.
Anyways, back to the story.
There I am pissing with the door open and Yo-Yo gets curious. I see him approaching out the corner of my eye and it quickly aproaches my leg. Then the unthinkable happens this cat JUMPS into the stream of my own piss. Realizing the full level of its own stupidity, the cat freaks the fuck out and spasm causing it to fall in to the toilet with the toilet seat down. The damn cat is so fucking stupid it is now stuck inside the toilet, thrashing around. Piss infused Toilet water is going everywhere. I'm at half full in my piss tank, and my options are to either to piss on this poor,stupid cat, or divert course.
So I start pissing in the tub, because I'm not an asshole. I finish up, and this dumb fucking cat is still stuck in the toilet. Now realize, this cat has been in there for a solid 18 seconds at this point. I lift the lid, grab this soaked cat and just launch it out of the bathroom. It does two laps around the house, before finally running out the front door.
Now I have to clean up a soaked bathroom before the rest of the family gets home.
asshole_driver: GOLDEN! why didn't you just toss it in the shower? by the time the cat figured out how to get out you could have the shower on
MrGoodGlow: I see what you did there.
I had a couple beers in me and wasn't thinking clearly, it was kind of a heat of the moment thing. Your brain isn't really trained to deal with animals thrashing around in the toilet. My main concern was getting it out of the toilet before it hurt itself while also preventing massive clawing damage to myself.
asshole_driver: half of that would have been solved by closing the lid and flushing a few times.....
MrGoodGlow: that seems like a really dick thing to do.
asshole_driver: true, but is it worse than having a special needs cat licking your piss out of it's fur for a good long while?
MrGoodGlow: Possibly?
I mean, I'd imagine being in a closed dark place swirling around would fuck up a special needs cat worse than water that is 20% pee.
| 7 | 14.428571 | |
1379110083 | 1379270003 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | binauralshitsound: TIFU by breaking my TV, laptop, and box fan in a stupid temper tantrum
This was actually yesterday, but I wasn't thinking about reddit after the fact, so here it is.
I'm 19, and an utter loser for all intents and purposes. I stayed home alone every summer, all summer, for as long as I can remember, isolated because I lived out in the sticks with no Internet connection and lacking the social skills to make friends and girlfriends. When high-school hit, things improved a little since, from my grandparents, I received a laptop, a smart phone, and a 40" flat-screen Sharp Aquos TV. I loved these things very much. They were nice, high tech things I'd never had, and they connected me with the outside world. I did a lot of browsing the Internet, talking to friends and family via tethered cell phone, with my beloved, beautiful TV as a monitor.
Well, yesterday, I fucked up. Hard. My Dad and I have gotten into some awful fights in the past. He raised and took care of me on his own through personal and financial crisis after crisis, and I love him to death. Seriously, I fucking love my Dad, but some of the fights we've had are my most dreaded memories, feeling so hopelessly ashamed, frustrated, and angry with both of us makes for awful remembrance.
Yesterday , I was having a pretty good day. We're set to move into a city apartment in a few days, where we'll both be less isolated and I can get a job. I'm happy about this fact. I was home alone, watched a movie on my gorgeous TV, browsing on my laptop, but something happened that I just don't understand. I started thinking about our awful fights, a big list of them. I was remembering things I didn't want to remember, intrusive thoughts that were just violating my good mood. I got angrier and angrier, just this shitty, sick anger with no outlet, and so much old frustration. I took my mouse and hurled it at my awesome TV, which took a hell of an impact and lost picture, just backlighting the blank screen with the bright white, circular impact crack. Furious at that, I took my laptop and flung it across the room, royally fucking it up, screen and innards. Still enraged and in disbelieving dread at the state of my electronics, I kicker the box fan out of my doorway, breaking one of its blades.
I couldn't believe it. I still can't. I'm such a stupid, spoiled fucking brat. All these things I loved, I just up and wrecked, and I didn't even realize how much I loved having it until I had fucked it all up. These electronics meant more to me than I had ever even considered.
My Dad gets home later and is totally livid. Telling me I'm fucking stupid, totally disappointed and angry. We had just watched a movie on it the other night. One of his favorite things to do is watch movies with me on the flat screen, since it's the only hdtv in the house, and he seems to think I don't love him, or that I hate him. He thinks that I think that he ruined my life. It couldn't be farther from the truth, and I love hanging out watching movies with my dad. Not only did I break my screen, I seem to have deeply wounded my dad's feelings by taking away the means to do one of the only things we do together.
So, I ruined a great TV, I ruined my only pc, and I ruined my relationship with my Dad. All for some fucking memory fueled psycho attack that I can't even adequately explain. I'm a terrible, fully grown brat, a terrible son, and a terrible grandson. The fact that I destroyed these things shows that I didn't deserve them to begin with, and I can't believe I was such a stupid, spoiled child yesterday. I'm going to have to work really hard to fix this all and be a better son. I'm sick with myself.
lacrimaeveneris: Honestly, based on what you're describing, you might want to seek professional help. I'm a social worker, and this:
>memory fueled psycho attack that I can't even adequately explain
is... not normal. Therapy/counseling and *maybe* medication might really help. And it also might help you repair your relationship with your dad.
I'm so sorry to hear that this happened. I hope things get better for you.
binauralshitsound: One day I hope to do exactly that, but that's expensive stuff, and my Dad has always been firmly against acknowledging that a problem might need outside mediation. For now I'm just trying to be aware of my apparent instability and work on self control.
We got into a huge argument a few weeks ago, with him drunk and antagonizing me over my lack of visible emotions at having to leave the house and move. I had shown no remorse for the house and no excitement at the prospect of moving into the city. This is because I know how terribly I fly off the handle and had worked on serious control for a long time. I bottle or bury just about everything I feel, and try not to react to anything. Anyway, he downed a case of beer and started acting like... I don't even know, going on about how I'm emotionally dead, don't care about anything, should be upset more often, etc. I shrug it off at first, then fire back, then lose it when I try to retreat to my room and he keeps it up, yelling from the living room all sorts of insults and the like. So I go into the living room and start screaming at him, flipping stuff over, flying right off the handle. I go back into my room totally done with the whole situation, absolutely fucking upset. Well something caused him to come at me, and we're physically grappling, but he's old, and I have almost a foot on him and 40lbs, so he wrecks his own leg. Broken, sprained, and torn ligaments. Lots of hospital debt. I see it as his punishment for not controlling himself. He's under a mountain of stress, from a decade of financial woes, demanding job, ect, but that doesn't excuse his behavior towards me that night and the injury has made things a lot harder for him, painful, immobilizing, and expensive. I see that as punishment enough.
The reason I went through that story, and I don't know why I went that far, I just started typing and didn't stop, is because I feel that I inherited a lot of his unchecked anger, and my TV is the price I played for not controlling myself. I'm not entirely without blame in all the past arguments I was so upset about, and my temper finally took something that isn't inconsequential, and it hurts. He's out a leg, I'm out my favorite appliance. I think we can both move forward better from here.
lacrimaeveneris: Based on what you're telling me, I think you might be right about the unchecked anger - it sounds like both of you have a lot of stuff going on. It also sounds like his comments when he's been drinking are a pretty good trigger for you.
Therapy doesn't have to be ridiculously expensive. See if there's therapists with sliding scales nearby, or a school of counseling or social work - the therapists are very good, but less expensive because they're still learning. If you really don't want to, that's fine - just figured I would toss some resources that way. Less expensively, you may want to find a way to release that angry energy in a productive way - martial arts or something else physical might at least keep you from unexpectedly destroying your stuff.
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1379154571 | 1379184818 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,176 | LeeCarvallo: TIFU by giving my professor a USB drive containing 'horse porn'
Happened a few quarters ago, sorry I only discovered this place recently. I was in a Helping Relationship Psychology class where we were given a task to practice one on one relationships with people who had small and manageable problems. We were assigned to record our sessions so our professor could check on our responses and tell us how to better work on our methods. The file was a little large so I put the recording on a USB stick I got freshman year. I wiped it clear on my PC and checked to make sure that nothing was on it. I turned it in and thought little of it.
I got called into her office the next week. I walked in pretty casually awaiting my feedback. She tells me to take a seat and goes: "Well, first of all, your file didn't work (she tried to open it with itunes I think and the audio file wasn't compatible), but more importantly, I have to ask you something. Were you aware that your USB is named 'horse porn'? I'm not sure I want to open that file anyways, care to explain yourself?"
**SHIT**
Flashback to freshman year. I used the same USB stick to pass music and shows between my roommate and I. As it turns out, he changed the name of my USB stick on his Mac, which for whatever reason wasn't visible on PC. Although I took all the files off, the name remained until my professor stumble upon it expecting my assignment.
Anyways I had the opportunity of explaining this to my professor as she laughed her ass of at how flustered I was and how many times I apologized. She also made me tell the story the next class, and that's what I am currently known for within my major as far as I know.
Tl;dr, forgot to wipe USB stick name, handed my prof. what she thought was my horse porn collection
Buckwhal: This is actually my legit security strategy. My SD cards that have the most important files are called "midget_XXX" "2011 Furry Con"
ConstableOdo: Yup. I have a folder called "Porn" with two folders called "hardcore" and "animated" on my work computer. I keep "files I don't want my brother to see" in "Animated > Gay > Male pregnancy > Aliens" I figure if he gets that far he deserves to see what I have in there. He will be disappointed to find a few versions of 42.zip renamed "Show [brother's wife] - [brother's girlfriend name/brother spending history/other blackmail sounding things]" (So they say things like "Show Amanda - Carlie" or "Show Amanda - Thom's spending 2011"
I figure he can only get on my computer in the 10 minutes I am walking to get snacks or something, so he is likely to put it on a USB and go to his computer with it. Even if he doesn't, it will be obvious when I get back he tried to open it. I don't have anything personal on the computer I can't lose. He'd be messing up his own business computer.
The actual files I don't want him to see are on one of the USBs I keep on my person at all times.
withmorten: For anybody not knowing - 42.zip means a zipbomb that's just a few KB but extracting it will fill up your entire HDD with "nothing".
ConstableOdo: Yeah. It's annoying but not really destructive.
withmorten: It can be if the system partition gets full - but still relativley harmless.
ConstableOdo: Yeah. I set up his laptop. His computer would try to unzip it all the way. Mine should shut off and it should be logged that the file caused it to shut down.
I also have a remote logic bomb on my work computer. I have a lot of down time at work to think up annoying things.
withmorten: Remind me to never piss you off :P
ConstableOdo: I'm actually really nice. =D
withmorten: I believe you - still doesn't mean that you don't fight back if something happens \^^
| 10 | 117.6 | |
1379154439 | 1379202370 | null | t5_2to41 | 55 | zennjammin: TIFU by getting arrested for Graffiti
The sad part is I was not part of the group doing it. Well I was, they are my friends from school, but I did not do any of the graffiti. I sat there and watched. I picked up a can to look at it at one point, so even if I try to fight it I will just get the prints on the cans thrown at me.
It was stupid of me for sitting there and watching and talking, but now since I am freshly 18 it will be on my record for ever and I will most likely lose jobs because I technically have a record.
I just feel like I threw away a chunk of my future because I watched some people tag up walls. Happy birthday to me! 18 for a month and I have a record. :(
Fuck.
Edit to clarify: IDK if it was better or worse in the end, but I would never stand fucking with private propriety that someone worked hard for. It was a skate park with tons of graffiti already there.
Brainzz: Never plead guilty and always tell the truth especially to your lawyer. Don't speak to the police without a lawyer present.
jrblast: > **Don't speak to the police without a lawyer present.**
Sorry, that needed to be emphasized more. I fact, I'm gonna say it again.
**Don't speak to the police without your lawyer present. EVER!**
| 3 | 18.333333 | |
1379163831 | 1379170937 | null | t5_2to41 | 49 | [deleted]: TIFU by aggravating nervous fliers.
As is fairly usual in this sub, this wasn't today.
So I'm a kid, about 7 years old and we're on a plane waiting to take off and go to sunny Portugal. Being a precocious child with regards to my sense of humour as I looked around and noticed several people who seemed to be nervous about flying an idea came to mind. I waited until until the plane started moving and then yelled out "Hang on to your hats everyone it's going to be a bumpy ride!"
I was rewarded with slightly greener faces all around, but I felt like this wasn't enough. Later on in the flight we hit a little bit of turbulence and sensing my chance I shouted "We're going down!".
After this outburst several people including a stewardess approached my dad, who was laughing his arse off, and asked him to keep me quiet. He just leaned over to me and said "That's enough for this flight, but we flly home in two weeks." and smiled.
Not the best story on here, but it doesn't involved poop!
Winter_S: That wasn't a fuck up.
That is brilliance.
[deleted]: Thank you kindly :)
Winter_S: No problem.
| 4 | 12.25 | |
1379165828 | 1379261042 | null | t5_2to41 | 53 | FunkyPanda: TIFU by formatting my computer drunk
My computer got pretty cluttered with shit, so I decided to format it (delete everything and re-install Windows) yesterday, to get a fresh start.
I wanted to backup everything that I still need, but before I could do it my friend called me and asked me if I wanna go out for a drink. It's been a while since I had fun, so I said yes. I got ready and went out. We had quite some drinks and I got home pretty drunk at around 3AM.
My computer was still on, so I sat behind. I remembered that I had to format it, so I went straight to it. When I deleted everything, and Windows was installing I decided to sit on the couch, where I quickly passed out. I woke up about 2 or 3 hours when I had to take a piss. After the relief I got undressed and went to my bed, but the second I laid there I remembered I forgot to backup my data.
I lost about a month of work on an Android/Web app for my company.
Good bye job.
EDIT:
inb4 restore da filez bruh is ezy.
i010011010: Data can be recovered post format. I've done it in the past.
FunkyPanda: I've restored SOME of the list files, and even some of those were damaged.
i010011010: It's mostly going to come down to chance. Whatever the operating system happened to overwrite is going to be irretrievable, and the rest is purely user-damage such as whether they started transferring files to the disk and overwriting sectors.
If you're not opposed to piracy, I could send a pro tool that I use. I offer because the retail was hundreds of dollars last I checked, and most people don't have the option to pay that over a one-time mistake.
FunkyPanda: I'm using Windows.. How in the world could I be against piracy?
I know how data recovery works. I made sure the changes on the disk were as little as possible. I then used a free recovery tool (Recuva). I've made some changes on the disk since, but whatever helps would be great.
i010011010: Glad to hear it. In the past I've had varying success by trying multiple tools. Not all of them seem to be equal, so I hope that one helps. I typically use it first because I've had the best results in the past, and it supports multiple retrieval methods including scanning the raw sector data.
| 6 | 8.833333 | |
1379175544 | 1379194904 | null | t5_2to41 | 82 | TheBlackWidoww: TIFU by giving my boyfriend's co-worker my old phone to use.
Boyfriend works at the university I attend. One of his co-workers needed a phone since his had broke. I was getting a new plan/phone anyway so I offered my old phone. I deleted all the pics and couple apps that I had on there, BUT I FORGOT TO DELETE THE BOOKMARKS. I had bookmarked a few porn movies for easy access when needed.let's just say I have twisted fantasies.
I don't think I'll be going to any of my boyfriend's work parties anymore, or that wing of university any time soon.
tl/dr: always delete your bookmarks.
DeMoCo81: Always reset the phone you are going to give away to factory specs.
asshole_driver: always. banking details, photos, bookmarks.....all that stuff stays...
| 3 | 27.333333 | |
1379203726 | 1379300153 | null | t5_2to41 | 115 | jazziedax: TI(triple)FU by flirting with the Starbucks counter guy
So, here I am, on my way to catch the train home from my university campus. I live on campus but I work on Sundays in my home town. I spend fifteen minutes getting ready to leave and decide that, since I have a little time, I should go to Starbucks and grab a coffee. Upon entering I see the EXTREMELY attractive counter worker (let's just call him Matt) making coffees. In my jittery excited state I walk up to the counter and order my cup of coffee and a slice of pumpkin bread from the employee taking orders. The employee taking the orders tells Matt to get my pumpkin bread, to which he replies "no". I giggle as he gets the bread. He looks up and says "Oh, but if it's for Jazziedax, of course." with his super gorgeous smile. Now normally I wouldn't be fazed by this type of over enthusiastic counter service, but I haven't seen this guy since LAST SEMESTER and didn't give the employee taking orders my name. Not to mention that last semester he commented on "How on earth I could be single" and such multiple times. So obviously, giggly me gets all flustered and flirts back with him, trying to keep cool under the gaze of his adorable hipster glasses.
I see my drink finished and I giggle and smile saying "well, I'll see you around, maybe we could get coffee some time" to which he replies "definitely" with a hair flip. I melt, in my silly 20 year old way and fumble my head phones into position, knocking my bow out of my hair. I stumble to pick it up and head out the door. Half way to the train station I realize I should probably print some papers before my train. I reach into my pocket to grab my keys to my dorm room and realize they're not there. So, I turn around and trudge back to the coffee shop and try my best to ask if I left my keys on the counter in the most adorable way possible. Matt just stares at me with a blank face and says "yeah, well umm, you didn't leave them here..." I turn red faced, bow still askew, looking like a flustered idiot and mumble something along the lines of "Oh I must have left them in the car" (I don't have a car on campus) and walk out the door.
Now, pissed off that I dropped my keys somewhere I trudge back to my dorm and call my room mate to ask her to let me into the building so I can wait for the next train. Upon telling her the whole story she informs me that Matt is not only gay.... but has a long term boyfriend.
tl;dr Flirted with a guy, forgot my keys, missed my train, had to go back to find out that I must have dropped them and that he's gay. Never going to Starbucks again.
entfromhoth: the angst.... im only 26 but my god this sounds like middle school problems compared to what ive been through. im sorry for your loss.
Belgara: Look out, the "My problems are SO much worse than your problems, you should feel horrible about talking about your bad day" brigade is here.
I'm so sorry what you went through apparently made you lose the ability to empathize with someone who had a shitty day.
entfromhoth: you sound like a 14 year old girl
Belgara: I've got years on you, dear, and have been through my own personal hell. Can it compare to yours? Who knows? I didn't live yours, and you didn't live mine. Neither of us lived OP's life, either. In the limited scheme we know of, does OP's problem sound that horrid? Not really. But do we know what else is going on OP's life? Hell no.
Calling "I've had it so much worse than you, you've got nothing on me" only makes *you* sound like the asshole. You don't know what that person's been through, and you can't know what that person's been through.
| 5 | 23 | |
1379203699 | 1379338895 | null | t5_2to41 | 720 | TruckerTimmah: TIFU by accidentally telling the seller of a car what was wrong with his engine.
So a guy on Craigslist locally was selling a 1982 Mercedes Benz 240D 4spd with a "blown engine" the pictures looked good so i went and checked it out, because he only wanted $650 and anyone that knows me knows I'm a sucker for W123s.
I get there, verify there is no rust, check everything, A/C works, interior is pristine, drive the car a bit. I get back and the car is idling really, really rough and vibrating like mad, with large amounts of grey smoke chugging from the exhaust. (this is a diesel that was out of tune)
I said to myself "all it needs is a valve adjustment" and started counting out bills. He then came up to me and said the car was no longer for sale. Somehow he heard me over that diesel racket and I missed out on one hell of a bargain!!
The guy was not familiar at all with the OM616 diesel engine... Next time I should keep my thoughts to myself...
Lesson learned. STFU when looking at a car.
PM_ME_UR_TITS_PLS: He should have at least given you gas money, if not more for telling him the issue.
Iveneverseenanocelot: The seller doesn't technically owe him anything
cyberchief: Thats like saying you don't *technically* owe a waiter a tip. Of course you don't, but then you're a real asshole.
Iveneverseenanocelot: There are many cultures that don't tip. In Africa where I am right now. And Japan.
wishwellPT: Europe doesn't tip also.
[deleted]: Yes we do. We just don't tip according to a percentage. Servers are wage - earners, the don't live off tips. That said, leaving a small tip is expected, but not required.
wishwellPT: Tipping is not normal in Europe. I've only seen it when the service is excepcional and/or the server became/is friends with the costumer. Servers don't 'expect' tips, since the big giant gigantic majority doesn't usually tip.
[deleted]: I assure you, as someone who lives, resides, pays taxes, owns a home, works, and pays for meals in Spain, we tip. Is your bill 48 euro? You usually leave 50. Lo que sobra va al bote. Así es en cualquier sitio, sea un bar o sea un restaurante.
wishwellPT: I too am someone who lives in europe. What you discribe there is way too diferent to what tipping is in the US. If the bill is 50 would you give 50 plus 2? Doubt that. It more a matter of convinience than paying the server, like in the US.
[deleted]: Yes, we would. All my friends would. Is it necessary? No. Would they look at you weird if you didn't leave a euro or two? No. But do we leave more than just the change? Absolutely. If we pay with a card, do we get out change from our pockets and leave it? Yes.
wishwellPT: If that's true we have two completely different visions. No point discussing it.
Fact is the US servers get payed off tips, here in EU they get a decent salary.
[deleted]: I worked as a server in the United States. I live in Spain I recognize the differences. We tip less in Spain because servers make a wage, yes. That doesn't mean we don't tip a few euro. Obviously that may differ in other countries.
| 13 | 55.384615 | |
1379228420 | 1379300651 | null | t5_2to41 | 98 | [deleted]: TIFU by making a move
Tonight I ran into an old friend (let's call her A) on the street as I was walking to a party. I hadn't seen her in months so she gave me a huge extended hug. We then parted ways so we could get to the party. Skip ahead a few hours and I feel like going home. I get a text from A saying that she was free and she would be down to hang out. It's pretty late at night so I thought it was odd that she was texting me but I figured that she wanted to catch up so I asked her what she wanted to do. She ended up coming to my dorm and we smoked some weed. My roommate was in sleeping and we couldn't chill in my room, so she invited me back to her apartment a few blocks away. We go into her room and sit down on her bed. Her friend calls her wanting to talk and come over, but she pretended to be sleeping so she wouldn't have to talk on the phone. Tension is in the air. Small talk is had. I scoot closer to her on the bed. She turns her body to face me. She's smiling and looking right into my eyes. I scoot even closer. I lean in. I close my eyes. I kiss her. No reciprocation. As I pull away and she's staring wide eyed at me.
"Wh...why did you do that?"
I couldn't answer her and my face went beet red. I thought it would be rude of me to get up and just leave so we sat as I rambled on about how awkward the past five minutes had been. I realized then that I was staying way too long. As I put my shoes on, she leans over to me and says,
"You're the one who stopped."
I turn and look at her. I slowly lean over again. She stares back in horror. I leave. I wished I'd freeze to death on the way home.
TLDR: Fooled me once, shame on me. Fooled me twice, I'm a fucking dick.
keebyjeeby: My impression is that she wants you to kiss her, but is scared of broaching it for some reason, so freezes when it happens. Don't worry mate - call her in the next few days and try to arrange to meet again, in a more relaxed setting. A walk in the park or something. Hold her hand as you scramble down a hill. Something like that.
ohwowbeau: This guy knows whats up. OP she may just be a tease, but give her another chance! WWJD
kanada420: -WWKJD-
FTFY
| 4 | 24.5 | |
1379247986 | 1379301603 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | tmama1: TIFU by leaving the stove-top on all say
I got up early this morning to cook my fiancé breakfast. After finishing up, I put it on a plate and left the kitchen.
Neither of us passed it all day until going to bed, where I double checked the back door was locked. And there was the stove top, still cooking, 12 hours later.
I'd forgotten to turn it off
LRats: You don't day?
flatbats_: hahahaha
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1379256868 | 1379289731 | null | t5_2to41 | 69 | [deleted]: TIFU And Thought My Dream Girl Liked Me Back
To start off with, here’s some backstory. I’m Male, 19 years old. USA.
4 months ago I began speaking with a girl called Amy. We really hit it off and were in contact via text, kik, or generally speaking in person as close to 24/7 as you can get while still actually getting shit done. We’d hung out in various places a fair few times, and she was always really engaging and just generally showed an interest in me. She’s also one of the funniest people I know, and is just generally a great person. Did I mention she's also extremely attractive? Yeah. I was falling for her. Hard.
A month or two into this, I was invited to a house party that Amy happened to be attending. Drinks were had, and as we’re underage, (Legal age here is 21) everyone who had been drinking stayed the night. (Neither Amy nor I had been drinking, but whatever) At around 1am the police were called due to a noise complaint, (and after that the party died down to either couples or small groups talking. At this point, Amy and myself found a bed, and things quickly began to get hot and heavy. I quickly worked out what she liked, and she really, REALLY, enjoyed herself. This continued until shortly after 7am, when the party-goers began to disperse. When I say 1am to 7am, I mean we talked for probably only 20 minutes out of this. Go hard or go home, Amirite. Roughly a week after, Amy +1’d me to a 15 person house warming party which was essentially a repeat of the same events of the first party, but with more talking. i.e, party died down, we got together, talked for hours, more hooking up etc.
Now, after these events, you can’t blame me for thinking Amy has some interest in me, right? Wrong. Amy and I have roughly the same friend group, so obviously they took an interest in our apparent new found ‘friendship’. I was talking to one of her closer friends, and she decided it’d be a good idea to bluntly slip into the conversation that Amy had just been leading me on the past few months and had no real interest in me. So I confronted Amy, mentioned what her friend had said, and she said nothing. So I left. I’m fucking stupid, I know. A few hours after this she texts me asking why I was offended. I haven't replied with anything yet. It's been three days.
Now I feel fucking stupid, and everyone was laughing behind my back because they knew she was leading me on while I was legitimately interested in her. I fucking hate my 'friends'.
Being the last to know is a great feeling.
TL;DR, I’m stupid and got played, now my insides hurt.
benzoic: So you talk constantly and fool around.. I don't think you got played. She likes you, but maybe not how you want. If you didn't ask her out properly before, that was the mistake. Otherwise you are just friends who fool around. Especially at that age.
Roncanator: Yeah I agree here. Sounds prudish to have toe explicitly ask a girl out to get in her pants but maybe that's how she likes it. You can never tell. Yes even though you had been in contact 24/7 it's not much to think otherwise. Or her friend could've been a total bitch. Girl friends do that to each other.
| 3 | 23 | |
1379258869 | 1379283532 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,448 | [deleted]: TIFU. I was convinced today is Monday.
I have packages arriving this week, and could swear yesterday was Sunday when I checked the calendar.
So despite going to bed at 0230+ and needing to wake up at 0700, I pulled myself out of bed this morning, dressed, packed, and waited for a bus that never arrived. Irritated, I attempted to call the company and berate them for a no-show but I got an answering machine.
So I started walking to work. I reached a middle school about a mile+1/2 away from home before I finally realized something was awry. Where were the kids and vehicles? Why were the streets so vacant? Why haven't I seen one other pedestrian all morning? Was today a holiday and I wasn't aware?
At least on the plus side I have all day to do whatever I want, and possibly even sleep tonight for a change.
loveandbaseketball: That phone you used to call the company probably could have told you what day it was.
i010011010: I believe Iphones don't show the date+time on the lockscreen when playing music. Evidently Apple are unaware the technology to do both exists. Or I just wasn't paying attention, which is pretty much the moral of the story.
Executive_divergence: Can confirm, I just checked.
i010011010: So there you go. I choose to scapegoat Apple for my absentmindedness.
SilentScience: How were you calling the bus company on your phone and listening to music at the same time?
i010011010: Because it plays music up to the moment when I select a contact; mutes for the duration of the call; then returns to my regularly scheduled Meshuggah.
imlikemike: Now I'm trying to figure out if your username is guitar tab for a Meshuggah song
i010011010: When I die, I want you to inherit my upvotes.
TheKikko: Your name (and this exchange) makes me think of [this](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLnGDj8VkWo), even though you have 1:s in your tabusername.
Also, Meshuggah are awesome.
| 10 | 144.8 | |
1379263755 | 1379267085 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU By Wandering Around Town With Drunk Girls
Last night I went to a party with lots of drinking and possibly drugs. Considering the fact that most people there drinking were underage, I wasn't so keen to be there. After about 45 minutes, a mom of a kid who was EXTREMELY drunk showed up along with our schools consuler. Many of us intoxicated, this was scary and the word that the cops were coming got around. Everyone left running and these two VERY drunk girls grab onto me and tell us we have to help them. Having no cars, we had to wander around town and into parks trying to keep these girls upright. Me and my friend ended up baby sitting them for three hours. We saw so many cops, they puked everywhere. Overall it was a shitty night. I'm mostly writing this on their behalf. Both have VERY strict parents and I'm pretty sure they got in huge trouble.
TL;DR Me and my friend babysat extremely drunk girls for 3 hours when we could have had a VERY good time. They both got in serious trouble for underage drinking.
rastapasta808: You gotta be kidding me.
THIS WAS NOT A FUCK UP.
YourAverageWalrus: Yeah, if he's being truthful, he probably protected them from various predators.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1379251568 | 1379393373 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | patchy911: TIFU 12 years ago and was an inch away from either losing my eye or being killed
Like I said this was years ago but I was just talking about this story last night and I thought I'd share it here.
I was 14 and was hanging out with a friend walking around the woods behind our neighborhood. We came across a 2x4 and were trying to figure out what stupid thing we could do with it. We came across this 4x4 raised sewer drain and decided that we could catapult stuff off it using the sweet board we found. It started off innocent enough with rocks and we were getting some really good distance with it when I spotted a toad. I tell him to put it on and I'm going to send that baby packing. I jump on the board and send that sucker flying through the air. My friend laughing about how far it went says he wants to launch one too, because he knows he cant shoot it farther then I did. And this is when karma decides to play it's little game.
We find another frog and place it on the board. My friend is standing on the drain with his back turned to me waiting for me to tell him to go. Well as you all know frogs jump and after I placed him on the board he hops off. I tell my friend to "hold on" and bend down to pick him up to put it back on. Well in his desire to do it he here's me say hold and assumes I'm saying go and jumps as high as he can landing on the board. The 2x4 comes flying up and crashes into my skull. It hit between my eye and my temple. One inch lower and it would have hit me in my right eye and one inch higher and I would have probably been killed. I immediately throw both hands up to my head cupping around my eye. I pull both hands down to see if I'm bleeding a little only to see a pool of blood in my hands. I rip my my white shirt off and get my mom to take me to the hospital, which is where I learned about how lucky the placement of the injury was. By the time we got there my white shirt had been completely stained red. 10 stitches later and I realized that catapulting frogs is not the best idea.
TL;DR: Friend and I thought it would be fun to catapult frogs and got smashed in the face with a 2x4 in between my eye and temple. Had to get 10 stitches and I don't launch frogs in to space anymore.
Black_Pearls: Why are kids so fucked up to small creatures lol.
patchy911: IMO it's a combination of boredom, stupidity, and the desire to show dominance of something. Kids get "bossed around" all the time but when it comes to small creatures they are the ones who call the shots.
Black_Pearls: I mean it's better than those stories I've heard of fucked up kids on Halloween running over black cats with a lawn mower. I had a black cat.
SneerfulWizard: Me too, im scared for Halloween
Black_Pearls: Keep it in doors. Even if its an outside cat. Cause these kids in my old neighbor hood would go find black cats, dig a hole, bury them up to their necks, and run them over with a lawn mower... Like how fucked up can you get?
| 6 | 6.666667 | |
1379273227 | 1379343798 | null | t5_2to41 | 126 | TheDnBDawl: TIFU by getting blackout drunk and sucking on a random girls tits.
Last night, my boyfriend and I went up to Harrisburg to listen to some drum and bass at a bar. Everything was going great, the music was blasting and drinks were flowing. Then I took a shot of tequila...he said I had two, I don't remember anything after the first.
I'm 4'11", the last thing I remember is falling on the dance floor. I only know what he told me when I woke up. He said they tried to kick me out of the bar, that they had to prop me up in a booth.
I guess at some point we went outside, where he said some girl had her tits out. I proceeded to walk over to her and I'm told I started sucking on her tits, telling him that I'm a lesbian, I'm not attracted to him, and the only reason I'm with him is because of his cock.
I don't remember getting back to the hotel, I feel like shit, I'm ashamed. I almost feel like I was drugged.
Let the slut shaming begin.
yoawsa: truth serum
MjrJWPowell: I've found that people who are blackout drunk don't say things they mean. Sure a couple, 4, beers or shots let loose a torrent of truth. But BO drunks tend to say whatever comes into their head.
Either I'm wrong or I have met several gods of different things.
d3n14l: I tend to get heavily drunk whenever I drink and can confirm this. The bullshit I say when I'm hammered is not to be taken seriously in any way. I'm certainly not more honest when drunk.
MjrJWPowell: I'm the same way, unfortunately. People believe what I say, when I get that drunk.
I've stopped getting that drunk.
d3n14l: Just out of interest, have you stopped drinking altogether or do you do it in moderation? I find myself mostly unable to stop once I start drinking so this moderation thing is kind of hard for me.
MjrJWPowell: Moderately. It is difficult to stop, but I will put a hard number on the amount I will consume, and stop at that number.
| 7 | 18 | |
1379274383 | 1379288668 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | justcuri0us: TIFU by drinking something I shouldn't have.
It was moldy apple juice. A large jug of it, without really noticing I took the cap off and went for a few gulps... then I looked. Now I'm sitting here feeling like I need to vomit but I can't. I also feel like a dumbass for not reading that it should've been refrigerated. I'm just scarred for life now. I never thought it would happen to me, learn from my mistake.
courtoftheair: You didn't think to put it in the fridge on your own?
i010011010: Some foods and beverage don't necessitate it. And apple juice is stocked in the store at room temperature, so I suppose it's plausible that some people wouldn't understand that once opened it is exposed to contaminants that create mold unless retarded by cold temperature.
justcuri0us: This is pretty much what happened.
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1379269744 | 1379307840 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | [deleted]: TIFU by ruining the first kiss
So I have been casually dating this girl for a while, the first real introvert to boot. Since she is so shy, I've been taking things slower than I normally do, only going so far as to kiss her on the cheek a few times after dropping her back off at her place.
This time was a little different, everything felt right so I leaned in for an actual kiss. Thankfully, she leans in too which is where things go wrong. Lips connect, score! However, I start to open my mouth to make out with her as I have never had a simple peck for a first kiss. As my lips start to open, her's stay shut. We back away and needless to say, it was awkward for both parties.
TL;DR: Tried to make out on a peck.
alex666santos: Today r/TIFU turns into r/firstworldproblems.
[deleted]: Yeah, where are all the people shitting themselves?
NextArtemis: Woah wait, we made it through a whole day?
[deleted]: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1mhamj/tifu_by_nearly_knocking_myself_out_in_a_pile_of/
You spoke too soon
NextArtemis: So close... Have we actually made it through more than 2 days before? I know it's pretty rare for even 1 day.
| 6 | 4.333333 | |
1379302697 | 1379472129 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | jbjohnson93: TIFU by oversleeping and missing my date
Tonight I fucked up what would've been my second date with this really great guy because I decided to take a nap today without setting an alarm for the date. I woke up thirty minutes after we were supposed to meet, freaked the hell out when I saw my phone, the time, and the missed texts from him. Luckily he's nice and we're going out again tomorrow; he's letting me buy his coffee. I still feel awful about it.
omgitslauren: You must be pretty because I would never get a second date after a move like that.
jbjohnson93: I'm a guy but I'll take that as a compliment. :)
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1379306699 | 1379371593 | t3_1mhamj | t5_2to41 | -5 | Release_the_KRAKEN: Oh hey you're that troll from yesterday.
turbantime: haha what?
Release_the_KRAKEN: Or another troll.
turbantime: haha ok buddy what a weird thing to say
VanDanger: the end.
TheSwissRedditor2: the end?
Tek2674: Or is it?
| 7 | -0.714286 | |
1379305039 | 1379435594 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | I_SLEEP_PLENTIFULLY: TIFU by buying a Nexus 4 on August 22nd.
*Look at this phone.*
*It costs $350.* (This is when I buy the phone.)
*Look again.*
*It is now $250.*
["Products may be returned for up to **14 days** after purchase."](http://youtu.be/Dd7FixvoKBw?t=2m16s)
majorkev: See if you can message the google people. They may give you a credit.
I_SLEEP_PLENTIFULLY: Seriously? Damn, that'd be pretty generous of them... I might just try that. I tried looking up the compensation thing that the person below be posted, but I can't seem to find anything... would you happen to know anything about it?]
EDIT: I bought it from a carrier store, not Google Play.
nowonmai: It's between you and the carrier in that case.
I_SLEEP_PLENTIFULLY: Damn... they still use the old price, so I doubt they'd be willing to do anything.
I`ll send them a message anyway.
nowonmai: Most carriers are unscrupulous and profit driven. I wish you luck, but fear you will not be successful.
| 6 | 3.5 | |
1379322050 | 1379470879 | null | t5_2to41 | 891 | [deleted]: TIFU by being a food monster and ended up shitting in public bus
**>3 days before the incident:**
-> I ate 4 medium slices of cheese burst pizza for dinner in one go as I was extremely hungry . The next day I realized my mistake when my stomach had gone upset.
**TL;DR: Ate too much pizza, stomach upset**
**>Last 2 days till the incident:**
So my stomach has totally gone bad. I am only shitting in liquid and the retaining power is absolutely zero. When I have to go, I really have to go. I can not hold it for more than 5 minutes.
It's a situation where it's impossible for me to distinguish between fart or a wet shit .
I had been eating only vegetables and soups now , so things are a bit better by the end of it.
I noticed that if I just drink soup I only need to shit once or twice a day.
**TL;DR: Shitting liquid, no retaining power. Been only eating soup and veg; it's getting better**
**>Morning on the day of incident:**
So today in the evening me and my 4 friends are travelling from Bangalore to Goa in a public bus. The estimated time of travel is 10 hours. This plan was made 2-3 weeks back and everything was booked so there's no turning back.
My situaton is still bad, but I am confident that if I avoid harsh food I can be shitless for 10-12 hours.
**TL;DR:Travelling on a 10 hour bus ride in the evening**
**>Afternoon on the day of incident:**
My girlfriend wanted to have lunch together before I leave so we meet for lunch. So I ordered a salad while she (unaware of my stomach condition) orders Burger and french fries. This is where I fuck up HARD!! I grab a bite and one french fry. Then another. And another. Before I know it I ate half of her french fries.
Bad news for stomach.
As I was on my way to home I felt the pressure. Rushed to home and took a big one. I didn't realize then that it won't be the last one for the day.
**TL;DR:Ate french fries in lunch when I shouldn't have**
**>Evening on the day of incident:**
I was on bus and it was 20 minutes to depart.And I felt like a baby wanted to come out of my ass. Had to go.
So jumped to the nearest public toilet (GROSS/NSFW: [indian public toilets are filthy](http://data.travelchinaguide.com/community/photo/5111/51118015352134.jpg) ).
Closed my nose and somehow took off my pants. The bottom of it touched that dirty ground but there's no time to cry.
Somehow managed to shit in that smelly filthy condition and went to wear my pants(now dirty and wet in the bottom). And as I was wearing it my mobile fell into the dirty floor. No time to cry.
It was 2 minutes till the bus leaves and my friends had been calling non stop for past 10 minutes. Picked up the wet dirty mobile and put it in my pants and ran towards bus.
I reached just in time, sweating and breathing heavily. Plus I was not feeling too good in my stomach either.
**TL;DR:Had to shit in filthy indian toilet and was about to miss the bus**
**>Midnight in the bus**
It's been few hours since we started and I skipped dinner ofcourse.
Only 8 more hours to go, so we all decided to sleep.
I was relieved that I didnt get the urge to shit and I was happy that by the time I wake up we wil be in destination.
**>2 am in the bus**
...And I woke up. With a feeling. In my stomach.
I knew and felt the pressure must have been hard enough to actually wake me up from my sleep.
Everyone is sleeping around me, my friend is sitting next to me snoring.
But the pressure has started and I have to go i next 30 minutes. The bus was travelling in full speed and there's no way I could tell the driver to stop (so that I shit on the road) without waking everyone up.
So I tried to sit through the pressure.5 minutes and the feeling has died down. I was relieved.
10 more minutes go peacefully before there's one more . This time it started harder and stayed longer. But I had to endure it. And I did.
For the next 10 minutes before it died down.
But i know it will come again. And it did.Harder . I was clenching my asshole as hard as I could and I even started sweating. A lot.
When will it stop. I couldn't let a fart out either.
I look at the clock, 3 am. 5 more hours to go . There's no way I could survive next 1 hour , forget 5.
2 more waves of pressure and I knew I wouldn't be able to hold it no more. There were tears in my eyes and I was not sure if it was from crying or from the physical toll of clenching my asshole tight enough , fighting against gravity.
I banged my head , hit myself , pinched myself..did whatever was needed to endure the nature's call.
But my stomach just wanted to get rid of shit. But I can't.
Can't stop bus but I needed to shit. What do I do ? What do I do?
4.30 hours till destination. 5 waves of intense pressure and I felt like I woulc collapse when the next wave comes.
Then I had to do what I did. I grabbed the shower towel from my bag.
Very silently I undid my pants so as to now wake my my friend sleeping next to me.
Slowly undid my underwear and wrapped the towel around my butt.
All this while praying my friend or no one else for that matter wakes up in the bus.
I was both laughing and crying at the absurdness of it.
A naked man sitting in public bus with towel under his but.
I'm so stupid, so fucking stupid. Fucking french fry, but my tongue.
And then I had to do it. Shit there. On the towel wrapped around my butt. In bus. While praying no one gets up from the smell of it and I don't make any noise. Silent shit.
But it was not coming. Althought the pressure was intense, for whatever psycological reason, it was refusing to come.
And then it did. Splash. On my butt. everywhere.
The whte towel turned into brown in 5 seconds.
Yuck . Liquid shit all over my but, but I made sure it doesn't get to any part of the bus.
A minute passed.
And then it was over.
I immedielty threw away the towel, but now I had shit all over my butt cheek too on top of my asshole.
Smell's bad.
There's no toilet paper , what do I do? Need to wipe out .
Extra hard this time.
It took 4 of my underwears (all i had packed ) and 2 of my tshirts to get it off my butt.
And then I slowly wore my pants. I could still feel the wetness and stinkyness on my but there was no underwear on me.
Wore it like that and some how sat for the next 3 hours feeling disgusted.Crying and trying to forget.
Luckily for me , no one got up during that time.
**Next day**
My friend got up at 6 and his first reaction : Did you just fart in here or what?
I was scared. I was scared that he would find out. But luckily we reached our destination soon and I took a shower for atleast 2 hours that day.
4 underwear, 1 pant, 2 t shirts and a dirty body later it was over.
leedade: your stomach sucks, i could eat like 10 blocks of cheese or just eat pizza for a week and i would shit just fine and normal
dirtydela: I am lactose intolerant. I love cheese. Don't rub it in my face D:
siegewolf: Most hard chedder cheeses don't have lactose! Cabot for the win!
dirtydela: I mostly get Tillamook cheese, it's aged for 3 months or something. Parmesan is also aged. Lactose goes away over time so the longer the better. I still wouldn't be able to eat blocks of cheese like I could when I was younger.
also, typically (since lactose is a sugar), you'll be able to see which cheeses have more lactose in them by looking at the nutrition facts.
However, I get mind-altering diarrhea when I eat too much cheese, so I don't do it.
awkwardbabble: Indeed! I'm lactose intolerant as well, but boy do I love me some Tillamook extra sharp cheddar. And it loves me too! :D
dirtydela: Yep I haven't had a problem with Tillamook yet. One good thing about being lactose intolerant is that it makes me do things myself at home so that I can properly doctor it to still enjoy things that I love. My next task is going to be mozzarella cheese...for that sweet cheesy pizza.
awkwardbabble: Mmmm Mozzarella is another favorite of mine... I pretty much stick to Mozzarella, Tillamook sharp/extra sharp cheddar, and Havarti. Others tend to give me issues unless eaten in very small amounts. Sadly, Brie is a favorite of mine, but it's an unrequited love lol.
I loooove a pizza that has good Mozzarella that's all stringy and chewy. It's the best, and yet so rare. I can't eat much pizza though. I am also blessed with a wheat sensitivity.. Yaaay! lol
dirtydela: coconut, almond flour?
awkwardbabble: Eh.. I've tried some alternative baked goods here and there and wasn't much of a fan, but really when it comes down to it, if I'm being honest - I'm not much of a fan of baked goods in general (bread, cake, cookies, etc.) so I don't feel like I'm really missing out on much.
I don't have an intolerance, at any rate, just a sensitivity. So a reasonable sized piece of pizza here, a half a sandwich there, doesn't bother me too much.
On a side note - I've tried the cauliflower pizza crust everyone raves about these days.. I thought it was "so so". My boss makes a "gluten free" pizza with ground sausage as the "crust". It's a bit heavy duty for me, but tasty none the less :)
| 10 | 89.1 | |
1379333907 | 1379465207 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | depricatedzero: TIFU by not watching my step
This was Saturday night actually, but the true severity of the fuckup wasn't apparent until this morning.
So I play bass in a punk/metal band. One thing I like doing to ward off any stage jitters is semi-regular karaoke. If I'm not performing with the band at least perform. Really does make it easier to get in front of people when you do it frequently.
Anyway, I'm really drunk - some school was having their 30 year reunion there that night and this table full of women (and a couple of their husbands) kept pouring shots of crown down my throat. I'm not one to say no to free whiskey.
So I get called up for my song, and I don't hear the opening drum hits and miss the start :( completely threw me off, but I recovered after a measure. This is why you don't play drunk.
At the end of the song I walk over to hand the mic back to the KJ, and don't realize that the stage ends before her table. I fall as suddenly there's no stage, land flat on the table and send her drink flying, spill it all over the place. I got up, went and grabbed a towel from the bar to clean up, apologized profusely.
I must have landed badly on my leg because my knee is completely fucked. I was too drunk to notice Saturday. Yesterday it hurt and I knew why, but today it's just agonizing and stiff. I could barely get into my car to go to work this morning.
TL;DR: Tried a Chris Cornell impression, wound up doing a Chris Farley impersonation instead.
Vandebe: Up vote for your humorous TL;DR. I did read though.
Might wanna get that knee checked out.
depricatedzero: Yea. I'm hoping the old rule of "3rd day's the worst" applies and it'll calm down and go away with some tylenol. If it's still hurting Friday I'll get it checked out though. I think I may have smacked it on the table on the way down rather than jammed it when I landed.
nowonmai: I went with that same theory, and by the time I got it looked at had done irreparable damage to the cartilage. Go now (or very soon).
depricatedzero: It's feeling better today, so pretty sure it's just bruised.
| 5 | 6.6 | |
1379342979 | 1379367406 | null | t5_2to41 | 357 | uncle_tambour: TIFU by getting a good night's sleep.
I have worked the same dead-end job for a year and a half, and recently hired on as a work-from-home tech for some DSL company. I turned in my resignation, left the old company on good terms, blah blah. Set up everything for the new job, and I was excited beyond words. This was going to be my foot in the door for advancement, this was going to be my chance to better myself, to get into the IT industry.
I was due to sign on at 8:45.
I woke up at 10:00. They have a strict zero-tolerance policy for tardiness, so I lost my job before I started.
Good news: my manager gave me my old job back. I couldn't kick my own ass any harder right now.
magladek: Damn, that sucks man. Sorry to hear that, but it's nice that your old manager took you back. Gonna start jobhunting again anytime soon?
uncle_tambour: Honestly, no. I feel like this is a broader lesson that I need to take stock of what I have and get my shit together before I try for anything better.
Talran: Also a warning sign about the company you were (going to) work for. While first day is pretty bad, and you should be watched for it, a good manager would understand that shit happens.
I can't say I've ever worked for a *good* place that has a zero tolerance policy for tardiness, good places will usually phrase it better as "May lead to termination".
Then again, at-home work might be stricter since you're telecommuting and might not have actually met your boss in person?
uncle_tambour: Granted, the guy who got me this job told me point-blank that it was awful, but I figured that anything was better than the job I was working. Anything except not having any job whatsoever.
| 5 | 71.4 | |
1379346483 | 1379398177 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | conifer_bum: TIFU by dancing drunk
Like many in this sub, this actually happened to me awhile ago, but I certainly wasn't willing to post about it at the time.
I was at a 3 month training course with people who worked for the same company from all over the world. One night, we go out drinking. I overdid it. I woke up the next morning, and I remembered dancing with one of the Norwegian girls that was in our group. All my memories of the dancing were ok, but I just knew that me + alcohol + dancing never goes terribly well.
On Monday, one of my coworkers pulled me aside and showed me the video from that night. My dancing was awful, and I mean awful. There was no discernible rhythm or beat to my movements. After about a minute, she starts actively trying to get away from me, and my drunk, creepy self just follows her around the dance floor. I can't tell you what all happens in that video, because I couldn't make myself watch the whole thing.
I passed the girl in the hall later that day. I apologized, and then didn't speak to her for another month. The guy who made the video threatened to send a mass email to our department (we were from the same office) but he never did.
Reddit, TIFU (9 months ago.)
J_Eazy: I think we're gonna need to see the video.
conifer_bum: The guy has been pretty cool about only keeping it for his own entertainment, and I won't give it up. Good luck :-P
nowonmai: Oh come on. One of the greatest things we can learn is to laugh at ourselves.
| 4 | 8.75 | |
1379346799 | 1379390347 | null | t5_2to41 | 70 | loganj88: TIFU by getting too drunk and ending up half naked at a concert
I went to Life in Color last Friday and pre-gamed way too hard. I don't remember any of it so this is all according to my friend. But, I was there and was the typical drunk guy trying to get his nut. So I was grinding with this one girl who was a solid dime and I got a boner. I tried the ol' whip it under your waistband maneuver but I was way too drunk for that. I ended up accidentally pulling my pants down in the process. So I just stood there, covered in paint, with my pants down, and my dick in my hand. I stood there for a solid 20 seconds trying to figure out what the fuck was going on. I finally realized and pulled them up like nothing happened.
bigwag91: well, what happened to the dime?
loganj88: dude I think I might have hooked up with her. Like I disappeared from my friends for a good 45 minutes. Who knows what the fuck happened then, but I doubt I did. NO ONE is smooth with girls when they're drunk. I probably just went and sat in a corner and talked to some random guy.
bigwag91: been there before, shits sucks. time to master drunk smoothness.
loganj88: That would totally be my plan. But, I just got word that I got a "strike" for drinking on a dry campus. So I'm basically fucked now
naryn: You have a dry campus?
How the hell do they even get students to go there?
loganj88: I seriously have no idea. There's 25,000 + students here so there's a shit ton of parties anyways
naryn: I still find the idea of American universities weird I have to say, not being able to drink as a student feels so...wrong.
loganj88: Yea man, it definitely is strange in a really shitty way
| 9 | 7.777778 | |
1379348058 | 1379367575 | null | t5_2to41 | 36 | xWeese: TIFU by giving personal information to a scammer.
During the breaking bad episode last night I got a notification about one of my tweets on #BreakingBad. The reply to my tweet said that I won a copy of the boxed edition Breaking Bad DVD set. I went to the site, redeemed my code, and gave the scammer my address, email, and phone number.
TL;DR: I am an idiot.
barnacledoor: So, is there much that they can do with your address, email and phone number? I mean, aside from the email address part, you can generally find that information right in the phone book (or online white pages).
xWeese: You've made me feel better.
barnacledoor: Yeah, all I can think is that you likely just got added to some spam list which is a pain in the ass, but not so bad in the long run.
xWeese: Phew. I've been stressed about that.
| 5 | 7.2 | |
1379363834 | 1379398650 | null | t5_2to41 | 194 | [deleted]: TIFU jamming to Lion King half-naked with the door open.
My roommate is male and I'm a female. We have a platonic relationship so I never prance around naked or wear provocative clothing.
Well, I just took a shower and had a towel wrapped around my waist. I was waiting for the flat-iron and instyler to heat up. My hair was in a fro as I am biracial, so when I blowdry my hair it doesn't lay flat. Imagine a Diana Ross thing going on. While waiting, I was jamming to Lion King's soundtrack--I'm a big fan; don't judge. Just as I was bouncing around to "Upendi", I notice my roommate standing in the doorway, which is in clear view of my bathroom. In horror, I rush to close the door, causing my towel to drop.
I don't know if he saw my cooter, but he damn sure got a good view of my tatas. I'm so embarrassed. ermahgawd :(
TL;DR My male roommate saw me (female) half-naked while dancing/singing to Lion King sporting a Diana Ross afro.
Tek2674: OP may or may not get the D
[deleted]: OP (me) is definitely not getting D unless by "D" you mean a danceoff, but I highly doubt he would challenge me after seeing my skills xD.
Tek2674: Dance off!? Girl your crazy I totally meant D as in Dignity. Implying that your getting the dignified win by posting on reddit and overcoming a potentially SCARring experience.
[deleted]: Oh, my head must be in the gutter again; I thought you were referring to his peen. My bad.
Tek2674: But that starts with a P. >.>
[deleted]: I was trying to keep from saying DICK, but I guess you're going to make me, lol.
Tek2674: I mean it wasn't initially my goal but hey I'll write it up as a win.
| 8 | 24.25 | |
1379378802 | 1379432856 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | closescrape: TIFU by buying crack and getting chased by the cops
Yes it's a fuck up because I'm not into having to lose the cops while on a bicycle. I didn't know what I was doing, just that after the transaction a uniform showed up with a radio, and then the lookout guy kept yelling the "po-po" was coming round to pull up on me. All I could do was start scrambling, turning left and right down one-way streets making some crazy pattern to get outta there. Stupid. Way too close for comfort. I'm supposed to be a grown up.
theborealiseffect: You must have only gotten one star if the cops gave up looking for you so quickly considering you were on a bicycle.
closescrape: What's a star? I was small potatoes, getting just a twenty. But Chinatown has a lot of traffic, so I could maneuver better than they could. Nevertheless I was really scared. If they had been on bikes I'd be in jail.
magladek: I think it's a Grand Theft Auto reference :)
| 4 | 1 | |
1379339141 | 1379422908 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU by smoking a joint while taking a shit and burnt my dick.
I really had to go so I decided to smoke it in the bathroom.
Now the toilet seat is pretty small, or maybe I have a big butt, who knows but as a result, tipping my joint was a challenge that involve my missil. It wasn't too bad at first but since this is some crazy purple haze, it didn't take long that I was high.
I was doing like I always do; open my legs and aim for the water. This time I failed that task horribly and aim right on the left side of Mr Penis.
It hurts too much to touch right now.
I started to write this while I was on the throne but I was getting nauseous so I decided to write the rest when I was out.
lord_darrel_the_MEH: Aloe vera works wonders for dick burns caused by haphazardly dropped joints or really any burns for that matter.
Super Ninja Edit: I just saw you posted this 12 hours ago so hopefully your junk feels better by now. Cheers.
[deleted]: It wasn't too bad actually. It did burn like a irritatef ass hole but only for a couple minutes. Afterwards it only got a little ichy. Now it isn 't ichy anymore nor does it hurt when I give him love.
Thanks for tip!
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1379386807 | 1379545872 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,591 | My_comments_count: TIFU by looking at porn with my tablet
So my newlywed sister and husband are staying at our parents' house for the week. They just got here a day ago and since her and my brother moved out, my room is the only one that isn't used for storage. So they take my room (which is actually my brothers but I stole it when he left) and I took the basement. I like the basement, it's nice, cool and has a tv. Anyways, it was last night when we all went to bed and I was a little drunk off wine so I felt like looking at some porn. This is the part where I fucked up.
So i'm looking at porn on my tablet. It's an old tablet but I usually just use a remote desktop viewer to hook up with my computer so I can do everything a computer can do and my tablet just has to deal with the video. Well.....my computer was in my room. I knew this, but I also know that the monitors were off. I also was under the impression that the stereo hooked up to my computer was turned off as well. I ALSO knew that my tablet by default will turn off the computer sound and route the sound through my tablet. This all was true, except my brother-in-law had turned on my stereo for whatever reason.
So I finish with my dirty deed with no problems. Sound never came through the speakers because I tested it beforehand, the monitors were off because I was able to see that there wasn't that blue glow coming out of my door. However, when I finished I didn't turn off the video or exit out of the web. I just accidentally and every so casually pressed the home button. So, there I am, 2 floors away, cum in a paper towel and wiping the excess off my nether region when I casually pressed the button and immediately I knew my mistake. Now I knew what could have happened but I was still thinking that I had turned the speakers off and no one turned them back on so i'd still be fine.
so I waited
Two seconds later my speakers two floors up ignited with the sounds of a very nice lady getting absolutely wrecked by some big cock. Holy Shit. Not only did the sound come on but my loud ass studio speaker were turned all the way up and were right next to my bed where my sister an her husband were fast asleep. My neighbors probably thought we were having the loudest orgy ever. MY DAD FREAKED. He ran to my room, my brother-in-law was trying to turn the sound off but somehow turned the monitors on in the midst of things. So my dad has now walked in on my sister freaking out, my brother in law trying to unplug every outlet possible and see just some girl getting pounded making the loudest screams i've ever heard.
Needless to say they knew it was me. They knew I did it and they knew it wasn't a joke. I just admitted to jerking it and I was sorry it went through the speakers. They were more mad at the fact that it scared the fucking shit out of everyone because some nice lady just started screaming at 1 in the morning at the loudest setting my speakers had. All in all it was probably the most embarrassing thing that has happened to me and IDK about you guys but there is something really embarrassing about anyone seeing what you get off to let alone my parents, sister and brother-in-law.
TL;DR: I woke my whole house up to incredibly loud porn at 1 in the morning which I couldn't stop for a solid 120 seconds. I'll never know any longer time than those 120 seconds.
Edit: changed my rude description of a porn star
Edit 2: missed a bitch
llama_delrey: Why you gotta be so mean to that porn lady, callin her a bitch n all that? :(
My_comments_count: Sorry I was just trying to see it through the eyes of my father; Just some unacceptable behavior from some unacceptable people.
greasedonkey: Your father never watched porn...
navel_fluff: My dad watches the nastiest porn, I'll never forget the day I accidentally stumbled upon his internet history. Not very relevant but it was almost 10 years ago and I'm still a bit shocked.
DarthCthulhu: Wha.. What was it..?
navel_fluff: Lets just say it had a strong farm focus.
DarkLinksEvilTwin: Elaborate! Otherwise I'll just assume that he was getting off to animals.
[](/lunalie "Y'know cuz I've never done that, specifically not with ponies..nope never, I've never gotten off to Luna's beautiful blue body or Rarity's marshmallow pussy.")
EbolaPie: Oh, hell.
DarkLinksEvilTwin: [](/dashiewhat)What?
EbolaPie: Lol, nothing.
DarkLinksEvilTwin: [](/ajlie "Ain't no reason ahm usin this here AJ emote! No reason a'tall!")I wanna keep making guesses! Was it a slutty farm girl having sex with her well endowed brother? Why the edit?
EbolaPie: No reason.
[](/ajlie)
DarkLinksEvilTwin: [](/hiluna "Your name seems familiar, are you on the PLounge pretty often?")
[](/boxedluna "I like using emotes in a non pony place like this, it's fun when you find another brony. I gotta say something outside the emotes, otherwise the horde'll get suspicious.") I know you edited out something...
EbolaPie: What edit? I don't see an edit. If anyone edited anything it was YOU. You have some things to answer for.
[](/calmdowntwilight "You recognized my NAME? That's exciting. I do hang around the Plounge a bit. Don't post a *whole* lot, but I do post.")
[](/bhappyluna "I, too, enjoy cultlike conversations hidden within normal conversations.")
[](/ajlie "Also I lied, I actually removed a reference to your emotespeak.")
DarkLinksEvilTwin: [](/becauseyouwubyourselfatnight)I caught that, you did it again! You added a whole sentence this time!
[](/queenohyou "Oh! how could I forget to mention Queen Chrysalis! She's definitly the sexiest!")
>You have some things to answer for.
I guess I should fess up and say that do still occasionally dupe in Demon's Souls.
[](/seriouslydressedup "And that I like women's clothing.")
EbolaPie: You can't prove a thing!
[](/gamerluna "Item duping? You mother fucker.")
DarkLinksEvilTwin: [](/gamerluna)You're right, say, do you have Demon's Souls? If so, we can be stressed at the game together! I've got a sl1 character who is having trouble and could use some help.
EbolaPie: No, sorry. [](/sbstare "seriously i don't") I'm more of a PC gamer. Look me up on Steam if you wish, same username.
DarkLinksEvilTwin: [](/gendercheckluna)Darn, I only do emulation of older games on my laptop.
EbolaPie: Dang. Hopefully at some point cross-platform play becomes a thing.
Til then, keep keeping on.
| 21 | 75.761905 | |
1379394082 | 1379433692 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally hitting on the lesbian who offered to wingman for us
SO, I started the ̶t̶h̶e̶ weekend half alseep, wanting to go back to sleep or just zone out for a few hours without doing homework, getting high, beating off, or reading, becuase thats all I do these days so I started to hypnotise myself/meditate with youtube videos, two hours later I come to and feel pretty empty but centered. Then some friends came to town so I went over there, had a drink, started being philosophical took some drugs and got our figurative balls rolling, but then they wanted to get chicks over...so okay, this coworker chick drops by and invites us to go to a hookah bar downtown. Being in my zen state of mind I start being really open and friendly and loving towards this new person. Im trying not to pry into her life, just making conversation and I end up getting really personal. Whatever, tmi right? When we get there the place is so packed and dark so Im squinting at people I cant see who are acting offended by my presence. There are no seats, our driver sits next to her girl-friend, Im standing in the aisle with people dancing to loud music, and I just accidentally bumped into some girls head three or four times. Shit. I cant even introduce myself or talk to anyone with the music and my position so my anxiety flares up and I walk outside for a few minutes. Later I went back in to apologize and stoodby until they all got up to dance. Once we left the same person drove me back so I start talking to her again until she sits by her girl friend and ignores me for a while...you know how this ends. I ask for her number in front of her girlfriend and they laughed. It's sad really. I just wanted to make a connection with a similar someone and it blew up in my face. I know I'm an awkward little bitch but I really just like to talk and don't care for the party scene and very few people understand that. Anxiety can make your life hell if you force yourself into circumstances that you have not become accustomed to. I'll be staying away from the 'friends of friends' gatherings from here on, those that know me well took years to accept me so I shouldnt pretend that strangers would. I think my major fuck up was in failing to entertain myself. I couldve walked down the street to a bar or went to buy some cigarettes or just found a nice place to sit and wait but I wanted some human-human time and squandered my own.
Lakonthegreat: I bought drinks for a lesbian before. Started trying to get to know her and stuff, bought her a couple drinks, then she starts talking about her girlfriend. You get a sympathy up vote, because I know that feel.
SoyPopo: At least you didn't confess your feelings to one who had just come out without you knowing...I too give sympathy votes on this day. TO THE LESBIAN LOVERS!
Lakonthegreat: TO THE LOVERS OF THOSE DONUT BUMPERS!!
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1379403049 | 1379404718 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | Butt-cheese: TIFU by teasing my cat who gnawed and clawed my arm
Actually it was on Sunday night. My cat and I were on a walk, and I forgot that he thinks he's a fierce lion when he's outside. I tease him sometimes, pretend to touch his paw or playfully push him over, which he loves - he never gets tired of it; when my SO tries to do this with him, he runs away, which signifies to me that he doesn't usually mind when we play. He's never hurt me before. This time, his lion-mode instincts caused him to really attack my arm. He clamped on a few times and kicked me very hard, gashing my palm and puncturing a few spots up my arm. It was my fault.
I cleaned it up really well, but today I noticed it was very inflamed, achey, and I squeezed it and it oozed pus. Ew. I researched cat bites, and of course was nearly convinced my arm was gonna get gangrene. So I went to the doctor, got a tetanus shot and antibiotics.
I have learned my lesson. Still pretty worried about it. Don't tease your cats!
Did I mention my immune system is suppressed by medication? Yeah, I'm a dumbass.
RobinHoodRat: Cat scratch fever. Its from the dirty bacteria in their claws.
Butt-cheese: There's far worse stuff they can transfer in their needle like teeth that push bacteria into the wound, which then closes. I've been lightly scratched many times and never had any issues, it's the bites that get infected almost all the time.
| 3 | 6 | |
1379414724 | 1379431678 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU really, really badly. I seriously think I need help.
Okay, so tonight I couldn't sleep well so I decided to look at some porn and then try again to sleep. I searched something like "teen lesbian amateur porn," I can't remember exactly. I clicked on one of the first sites without looking at the URL, just the description, and it took me to a site called something like "Youtube Private." I figured it was just a knockoff trying to get views from the youtube name. I clicked play on a video, and it told me I needed the latest Adobe player. So I downloaded that. Clicked play, and then my whole computer froze, and it gave me a message with the FBI seal on it, saying my computer was shut down by the ISP. Below it were several pictures of child porn that I hadn't seen before, and then a list of places it said I was that I didn't recognize, all had child porn somewhere in the URL. I swear, this was an accident, but now I think the FBI are going to arrest me...please, I need help.
[deleted]: Start up in safe mode (with network connection). Download Malwarebytes and update it. Do a quick scan. It'll find and remove the virus in less than 10 minutes.
SuperFZL: ^ Yes, this. I wish this was a bit higher so OP could see it better. It's solid advice.
| 3 | 2 | |
1379400185 | 1379467767 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | Boofe_kur: Tifu by trying to avoid a fight with my friend.
It's actually been am ongoing process for about a month and a half now, but today shit hit the fan.
Me and my friend have been living together for almost a year and a half now. But 3 months ago he got engaged. Cool I was happy for him but then he and his fiance start making me feel like an outsider in or apartment. They would not speak to me when I was there, they rarely went out if I invited them and even if they did they would sit in a corner and look miserable. So last week I started spending most free time at my best friend's apartment even took my computer over so I could study. Today my roommate texted me saying we need to talk about things. When I went to talk to him he went into super angry douche mode. He yelled at me accused me of trying to make our other friends hate him (I haven't just FYI he was doing that well enough on his own). He was angry I stopped inviting him to things and a few other things that didn't seem to be big issues until he was already in full vent mode. I'll admit I could have handled things better I just didn't want to cause a fight with a friend even if he has lost all interest in trying to be friends. He is now looking for someone to move in and take his place so he can get a place with his fiance. So yea it looks like I just lost a friend for since of the dumbest reasons I have ever seen.
robbo101: Did you stab his fiancé with a sword?
Boofe_kur: I have no swords handy unfortunately. Besides his fiance is one of the nicest people I know.
xXMoleKingXx: That was just a how i meet your mother reference.
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1379430203 | 1379478171 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,556 | soxfan17: TIFU by killing a mosquito
Yesterday (wasn't today but close enough), I was sitting in my dorm room just doing some homework. Out of the corner of me I see a fucking mosquito that has probably been the one pissing me off at night so I had a rush of adrenaline.
After a few attempts to clap it between my hands with little success, I wait for it to land on the wall. So, it lands on the wall and I slam it as hard as I can and for some reason I yelled, "WELCOME TO AMERICA, BITCH!" as I slammed it. No big deal right. Well, I forgot that an international student from China lives in the room next to me and the wall I slammed is the one between our rooms. I hope she doesn't think I'm too racist.
TLDR; killed a mosquito and sounded like an asshole.
EarthtoGeoff: ... As if the mosquito had only recently immigrated to the US?
soxfan17: We are right near the Canadian border so I was joking about it coming across the border into America.
ThePotatoGods12: Racist pig.
frostvipre: [oink!](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hP9bcEo8N44)
ThePotatoGods12: Thank you. This has lightened my mood.
frostvipre: You're welcome. :)
ThePotatoGods12: Long days and pleasant night, friend.
| 8 | 194.5 | |
1379444361 | 1379524103 | null | t5_2to41 | 64 | babylegs123: TIFU by clicking a link to "Unpublished Penthouse Pets"
Because I am a cat lady, I saw the "Unpublished Penthouse Pets" link on Vice and thought, naturally, that I was about to see a gallery of urban kitties and pups amongst fancy furnishings. Instead, there were boobs and vaginas. Normally not a problem, but today three of my teammates were walking by and saw the nudies. I had to explain myself, revealing my naïveté in the process. Lots of laughter and my email is full of Penthouse and petting puns.
cspalko: can you share the link with us?
babylegs123: Sure! http://www.vice.com/read/unpublished-penthouse-pets-243333-v20n9 (NSFW...obviously)
maczirarg: You made it sound worst than it really is, those are very classy, artistic shots. Nsfw but not nasty at all.
| 4 | 16 | |
1379446957 | 1379537788 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | theHarboguy: TIFU by inadvertently insulting a friend.
We're having a conversation (via skype) and two of my friends (sisters) get into an silly argument. Another one of my friends comments "rawr catfight" and hilarious me remarks that my money is on the big one, normal right? Wrong. I had forgotten that they are very sensitive about their weight. I get a message later informing me about my imminent demise. If I'm not alive tomorrow the mightiest among you gets my ~~empire~~ reddit account.
maczirarg: But is out obvious who is the big one? Or would both of them take it personally?
theHarboguy: Maybe both.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1379400599 | 1379817675 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | nagamari71598: TIFU by being my nerdy self.
Well, it didn't happen today, but you understand.
During the summer, my mom wanted me to get out of the house more, since we had just moved in town. So, I decide to start going to my local gaming store to play some Magic: The Gathering (a card game, for those who don't know). One day, I decided to stop at the nearby gas station for a drink. I threw it in a shitty fabric bag I got from my school at the end of the year, because it was a fountain drink, and I can't ride my bike with one hand. The bag was slung over the front of the handle bars. Well, I got there, blah, blah, blah, had fun. I was headed home, and I had thrown my deck box in the bag, which I hadn't thought of actually wearing, instead of having it hang precariously. About halfway home, my deck box decided to lodge itself between the shock and the wheel of my front tire, locking up the front wheel. I was thrown over the handlebars, and I sprained my wrist a bit. The box was stuck in there good, so I couldn't get it out in my injured state. After dragging my bike most of the way home, some random dude helped me get the box dislodged, and I rode the rest of the way home. Luckily, nothing worth anything was damaged.
tl;dr: I left my brain at home, and sprained my wrist because I like to play card games.
supermegameat: hey is magic any good also is it hard to get into/learn ive wanted to get into it (also do you know if the magic 2014 (the steam game) is any good)
nagamari71598: It depends on your definition of good. The games are alright, but the actual card game is better. It can also get relatively expensive if you are looking for certain cards.
supermegameat: k thanks
nagamari71598: I would check it out if you have a local games store that sells Magic cards. Ask others, too.
supermegameat: k but i dont believe i have a local game store but i could be wrong and i think i know who to ask. thanks!!
| 6 | 1.833333 | |
1379467882 | 1379586945 | null | t5_2to41 | 85 | [deleted]: TIFU by assuming my roommate was in class when he was just downstairs getting dinner
Second week of college, still getting to know my very conservative, religious roommate. Today I thought he was off to his engineering class, and a few gonewild posts on my front page got me a little bothered if you get my meaning. So over to pornhub I go, I have a great sesh, everything is going fine. So I start the clean up process, one tissue in my left hand, I hear the key in the door. so I pull my boxers up, no need time to button pants.
"Hey..." roommate comes in, sees tissues on the bed, pants unbuttoned and instantly looks to his side of the room. I grab a pillow to cover myself.
"How was your engineering class?"
"That's not until 8, I was actually just downstairs getting food"
We have probably a 5 minute conversation (cummy tissue still in hand mind you) about how the food was surprisingly good tonight. Then he tells me he has some math to work on, and gets to his computer... I'm writing this with the cummy tissue under my leg because the trash can is right next to his computer. I know it's natural and all that, but this is still pretty embarrassing.
coolduderedux: Dude, it's college; it's understandable behavior. Besides, he obviously knew what you were doing, and if he was freaked out, he wouldn't have chatted with you for 5 minutes.
maczirarg: I would have left for a bit to give him chance to wash his hands and toss the tissue.
an_ill_mallard: The fact that he didn't do that raises all sorts of hilarious (to me) possibilities.
| 4 | 21.25 | |
1379471148 | 1379472955 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | Sharrakor: TIFU by eating trail mix
Trail mix is not a snack food. Don't buy a bag and take it home. If you find yourself wanting to eat some, get about two handfuls and immediately walk away.
This stuff is delicious and so fucking calorie-dense. A 340-gram bag (depending on the mix) contains over 2000 calories. That's how much you should eat in a day. If you're hungry and you get a hold of one of these bags, you could eat a day's worth of calories in a single sitting.
And I did just that. Twice. Upon realizing my mistake the first time around, I said I wouldn't open the second bag for a week, and then I would take it slowly.
But I got peckish a few days later. I thought to myself, "just a couple of handfuls." Before I knew it, 3/4s of the bag was gone. I've gained twelve pounds in the last few months, and this shit certainly isn't doing me any favors.
Peanuts, raisins, sunflower seeds, M&Ms. Who knew that four simple ingredients could bring about such destruction?
wangfaye: You have M&Ms in your store bought trail mix? I've never seen that in Australia.
Sharrakor: Well, not really. They're "Choc-o-buttons." Close enough, especially when taking in the flavors of three other ingredients at the same time.
BLURGH this was such a bad idea. 10,000 calories in three days, and I don't even go the gym anymore.
wangfaye: Don't worry too much, it was 2 days where you fucked up a little. Tell yourself to make the next 2 weeks count, full of solid hard work, before taking it at a stable pace after that. (And actually make those 2 weeks count!) :)
Sharrakor: Ah, if only this didn't come on the tail end of me dropping the ball on taking care of my body. I'm pretty bad at keeping all the balls up in the air. Juggling six classes right now, and ended up sacrificing body integrity for a bit of an edge in them. Now I'm drinking a (diet) soda or two every day, and one or two sweet things. Previously I had, at the most, one soda every other day, and sweets even more rarely.
But you've got a point. I can turn it all around. In fact, I will! However...
>2 days where you fucked up a little
Eating twice as much as you should is not a little! :P
wangfaye: Well, yes, it wasn't *too* little.
But you can change that! Cut out that soda for a piece of fruit. Read some extra study material to keep your mind off snacking, or spend time in the library opposed to at home!
I'm just like you, and I'm trying to curb my snacking habits. It's possible! :)
Sharrakor: Actually, there are no snacks left, now that that trail mix is gone. That was kind of my rationale for the last ~20%. :/ The biggest problem is the ubiquitous vending machines around campus. All you have to do is swipe your ID. I'll try to make the less-obviously-junk-food choices in the future, if I visit them at all. Also, the soda is mostly because of mild caffeine addiction at this point. :(
| 7 | 3.571429 | |
1379471728 | 1379691945 | null | t5_2to41 | 37 | dakoon2811: TIFU by overwritting a database backup
We were launching a new admissions site at our school. I fucked up and got the database downloads mixed up and ended up nuking 4 days worth of work..... First time I have ever had a boss call me incompetent......
barnacledoor: Wait, did you simultaneously ruin the backups as well as the current live system? Yeah, losing backups sucks, but is only a real problem if you are trying to restore. So, I'm thinking there is either more to this story or you really didn't fuck up too bad.
ROKMWI: Hmm, he said "launching a new admissions site". Perhaps this means that they removed the original live system, made a fresh install, and then were planning on loading the backups into the new install, instead wiping them out.
barnacledoor: good call. sounds possible.
| 4 | 9.25 | |
1379516611 | 1379533552 | t3_1mmmxu | t5_2to41 | 19 | TheExtremistModerate: Our fraternity has found a solution for this. Out back of the house, there's a transformer that people who have been drinking piss on.
There haven't been any accidents that I've known of, since it's so easy to take a "transformer break."
Windows_98: Like the robot?
TheExtremistModerate: Nah, the big green box that houses what I believe is a step-down transformer.
BrokenByReddit: Connecting yourself to that with a stream of conductive liquid... what could possibly go wrong?
TheExtremistModerate: It's just the outer housing. Nothing actually electrical. After all, it gets rained on.
Also, it's very unlikely to get electrocuted from peeing on something that has an active current. There was a Mythbusters episode and everything.
BrokenByReddit: >It's just the outer housing. Nothing actually electrical.
Well, that's how it's *supposed* to work. Also did you ever think about the poor lineman who has to open that piss-drenched box to work on it someday?
TheExtremistModerate: That's what the rain is for.
| 7 | 2.714286 | |
1379513960 | 1379746120 | null | t5_2to41 | 68 | sparxy5: TIFU by accessing porn in school and getting caught
So like in most schools porn is blocked on the computers but I knew reddit was not so as a cool trick to my friends I thought I would search up gonewild and I got caught and so did my friend who did the same after me, now it is going to be taken further and I don't know how bad this could be but it might lead to exclusion which would be very bad as I am looking for colleges next year... I really fucked up
ropepaelgen: That was disappointingly difficult to read coming from someone looking for colleges next year.
sparxy5: I am not studying English I am going to study Maths and Computer Science, English and grammar are not my strong points I'm afraid :)
grimeMuted: Some TAs take off points in CS for poor comments. :)
Seriously though, correctly spelled variables, classes, methods, and functions are fairly important in programming if other people are going to be using your code. Principle of Least Astonishment and all that.
nowonmai: Also, in the working world you are expected to document your code.
Sykotron: While I've not the most extensive job history, in my 3 jobs so far (production support in COBOL/JCL, production support in Java/JSP, and development in Java/SQL) I've never seen documentation save a few bits and pieces.
nowonmai: Really? So what happens if you're hit by a bus? Your knowledge dies with you?
If it's not a recommendation, I would say your management are inexperienced.
| 7 | 9.714286 | |
1379527756 | 1379611802 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,061 | [deleted]: TIFU: by farting at work
This happened yesterday, and it isn't the usual "Reset the counter" fart either. I work at a meat factory/processing plant, I was in the wipe up room, where they receive new pallets of meat, unbox them and put the meat in crates for the butchers. The wipe up room supervisor was ripping the shrink wrap off a pallet of Namibian beef when I let rip, it smelled so bad that he recoiled in horror and swore loudly in Polish and got a manager insisting that the meat was bad and had to go back on the lorry to the supplier. The manager caught a whiff of the lingering cloud of foul death and agreed that the meat was indeed putrefying and indeed needed to go back. I didn't own up to this foul concoction because for fear of being fired or sent home ill.
TL:DR: Farted at work and made the bosses send about £1000 of imported Namibian beef back.
HdBngr13: lol you should of just been like, "Uh actually, I farted". I'm sure they would of had a good laugh.
[deleted]: Dude, no, it smelled like a skunk had crawled up my arse, sprayed a lot, then died and decomposed. I've probably got mild food poisoning because that's what usually happens when I've eaten something dodgy.
xerim: Just own the fart dude whats the deal
[deleted]: Money, I need the money more than I need a day's rest. With company policy, even though I don't handle meat, they would have had to send me home.
gino3298: So, by company policy, if a fart is rancid enough, you'll be sent home, because it seems, although not guaranteed at all, that you're sick, so instead, you costs the company a grand.
[deleted]: Yes I did, yes I'm an asshole, yes I need to grow a pair, yes I need that days pay. The company makes enough profit a year to not miss a grand, I don't make enough to miss that £50.
gino3298: I'm sorry you work for such a company that would consider a fart a good enough reason to send someone home, that's just ridiculous of them.
mattymck: this has a lot more to do with working in the food industry than anything else. If you are sick with anything at all, you will be sent home.
Sure a fart is overkill, but when it comes to meats you really cant be too careful
rokimaru: That's not true in most of America
mattymck: you'd be very surprised how strict food companies can be, regardless of what country they are from
rokimaru: Ive worked in food service for 10 years.
mattymck: im really only going off my experience of working in food packaging plants in canada, which i assume to be similar to one in america.
rokimaru: I work for Kroger currently, I've done work at the big distro a few times, you can get away with a ton of disgusting ailments if you double glove and wash yours the required amount
| 14 | 147.214286 | |
1379526012 | 1379539348 | null | t5_2to41 | 71 | johnknoefler: TIFU Well my Boss did and I watched
So this happened quite a while back. Most of my relatives are beekeepers. Some are huge commercial operations. I was working for a relative and he had a foreman who happened to be a long time family friend.
So we are out in the field working on hives and bent over looking for queen bees so we could split up hives to make new hives. Now keep in mind this guy is a bit weird in some ways that I never suspected. I always tie shoe laces around the bottom of my trousers so I won't have a bee wandering up my leg and causing a panic. I never saw the foreman use such tactics.
I found out that day he went without underwear as well. So anyway, he suddenly stands up and looks at me with a shocked expression of panic. Then he hauls off and smacks himself right in the nuts as hard as he can with an open palm. He goes down on his knees again and stays there groaning. Of course I am all puzzled and surprised as I never saw anyone ever do this in my life.
After he recovers I ask him what happened and he informs me a bee just tried wandered up on his family jewels all aggressive and wanting to sting where it really hurts. So he shakes and maneuvers until he is sure the dead bee is safely back down his pant leg.
A couple days go by and we are back in the same yard repeating the process on some more hives. Splitting them up to create new hives. He and I are again faced off in two nearby sections. All is peaceful with the droning of the bees and the warm sun on our backs. Perfect blissful working day. Suddenly he bolts upright like he did last time. All panicked and wild eyes. He raises his arm to again deliver the killing strike to his nuts and then suddenly stops in mid swing. Just standing there staring at me with his right arm frozen mid swing and that crazy panicked look of a deer in the headlights. Then he screams in agony and starts grabbing and squeezing his crotch. He goes down on his knees still screaming and he finally subsides to just groans of agony. He's still scrabbling at his crotch the whole time. Finally he gets it worked out the best he can and walks off to the orange orchards. He comes back later and tells me a bee actually stung him on the head of his penis. He can still hobble about the job and seems to recover during the day. I am just chocking on my laughter. He obviously didn't want to hit himself in the nuts like a couple days before. Later during lunch I remind him it might be a good idea to at least use some duct tape on his pant legs.
As we are loading up to go home on that Friday he tells me he can't wait to get home as his prick is all swelled up and super sensitive and he wants to try it out with his wife for the most amazing sex he thinks he will ever have.
I kinda wonder if he ever tried it again deliberately. Who knows, it could become a thing if this gets out. Haha. Too late now...
sigharewedoneyet: I would love to know what happens!!! If it goes well I might get my bf to do it hehehhehehehe
Tensuke: That would mean convincing him to let a bee sting his dick...Not sure he'd go for it lol
| 3 | 23.666667 | |
1379535300 | 1379869806 | null | t5_2to41 | 44 | DireWolf223: TIFU by being in the direct firing path of a poopy sneeze bomb.
My 2 year old son is sick. I go to change his already shitty diaper, and for those of you with experience, you know the position. I was sitting while holding his legs in the air to slip the new diaper under his butt, when suddenly he sneezed. Holy shit literally. The sneeze caused the warm, liquid butt sludge to come flying straight at my face. It barely missed my mouth and hit my chin, and all over my chest. As well as splattering all over the general vicinity. I know some people are into that sort of thing, but not me. One of the worst things that has ever happened to me.
Punching_Babies_WOO: people are in to babies shit blasting them?
DireWolf223: I think it's hot in Russia right now.
Zort189: Waht.
njdevilsfan24: Whta
| 5 | 8.8 | |
1379543381 | 1379603584 | null | t5_2to41 | 490 | Epicus2011: TIFU by making my friend show midget porn in his class [NSFW]
I seriously kinda fucked up today, even tough it was freaking hilarious.
So my friend is taking a graphic design class which he absolutely hates and asked me to create a banner for him. He jokingly said, "Do anything you want with it, even midget porn. Just make sure it looks good". I was bored that day and kinda good at graphic design, so that's what I did. However, I really didn't really take it seriously and tried to recreate the world's worst banner in Photoshop and all of that in less than 3 minutes.
I succeeded, and sent him the link to the picture. However, I didn't tell him that it was a joke. As it turns out, he didn't even look at the banner and just immediately saved the link. So today in class he was asked to present his creation and my beautiful piece of work with midget porn, Comic Sans, and rainbow colors was presented to his 42-year old graphic design teacher and the rest of the class.
Yep, he's pissed.
The banner in question: http://i.imgur.com/kKPQ0iX.png [NSWF-ish]
**TL;DR:** Made a banner for my friend picturing midget porn and Comic Sans, only to find out he didn't look at it and presented it in class
koenm: Uh, this was not your fuckup.
CaptainSnowy: It is if you count being a major (although hilarious) ass to your friends as fucking up.
Epicus2011: Yeah, that's what I meant. I fucked up by playing a prank on him causing him almost to get kicked out of school.
justtoclick: He deserved it. He could have thrown something together himself with no trouble if he didn't care anyway.
| 5 | 98 | |
1379543845 | 1379626035 | null | t5_2to41 | 52 | HITLERS_OTHER_BALL: TIFU by accidentally eating pot brownies.
Well, it was a few weeks ago, but anyways: I was hanging out with my friend, and he's always been kind of weird. This time though, he asks if I want to see who can eat more brownies, and I agreed. I think I ate like four or five, not knowing they were pot brownies. A few hours later I start coming to and realize that I was drugged and that my chest was sore.
He drugged me and talked me into getting a crudely drawn rabbit tattoo. Fuck.
LoverOfLed: I ate one that was half BC Bud when I was 10
At y great grandmothers birthday party
HITLERS_OTHER_BALL: I feel like your Great-Grandma is cooler than me.
LoverOfLed: Haha. Well she didn't know about them. My great uncle (biggest stoner EVER) made pot brownies, because she wasn't eating (munches and whatnot) but he didn't tell anyone what was in them. So there was a table full of great baked goodies and I decided to try these brownies. All I remember after leavin the nursing home was playing guitar hero and eating the best kebabs of my life.
StacheBox: Has it really been 8 years?!?!
LoverOfLed: Huh???
StacheBox: Since guitar hero came out
LoverOfLed: Oh. I thought I was related to you for a sec there. And I don't think it was the first one. Though it might have been
| 8 | 6.5 | |
1379542577 | 1379594836 | null | t5_2to41 | 46 | ApolloIV: TIFU by farting during a presentation on suicide prevention
This is a little late, but whatever.
I was giving a presentation in my mental health nursing class on suicide prevention. This was a group presentation, and the way we ran it is that we each took a section of the powerpoint to talk about. Simple enough. I was third, out of four.
So this presentation is going on, and I'm patiently waiting for my turn. It's important to this story that I describe how we were standing.
X A B
C----
In this diagram, I'm the X, my fellow presenters are A, B, and C, and the dash is the teacher's desk/computer station in the corner. So, by standing where I was, I was blocking classmates A and B between me, the desk, and the wall.
The second girl is starting her portion and I'm getting a little nervous- I'm not really into public speaking, but I make it work. I also notice the telltale rumble in my bowels. It's cool, I've been doing a lot of squats so my glutes have been getting worked out. I'll just clench it out, it's not like I have to move for this presentation. Inside, I make a note to never, ever drink coffee before class again (coffee does terrible things to my stomach).
She goes on, and it's getting tougher and tougher to contain. A little guy slips out, but it was really quiet and the girl before me was talking, so I think nobody heard it. Unfortunately it smells, so I know girls A and B have to know. They have to. My butt is clenched as hard as I'm capable of doing at this point. I'm really nervous now and a few more come out but they're silent, thankfully- however, classmates A and B are still trapped in the terrible gas chamber I've created.
My turn to talk comes up. I stumble a little on some words, but am doing alright. The gas line is flowing, silently, behind me as I wrap up my section. The other girl goes, the presentation ends, and I hold the rest in shame until the class ends. I beeline to the bathroom afterwards and shit my brains out. I no longer drink coffee before class.
The_Master_of_LOLZ: Am I the only one that *isn't* affected by coffee?!
FerdThePenguinGuy: I drink 8 cups a day and I never experience digestive problems. Hell, I need the first three just to feel normal in the morning.
| 3 | 15.333333 | |
1379553770 | 1379561452 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | [deleted]: Today a typo on my calendar fucked me up
So today I had a huge chemistry exam. I had known about this exam for weeks; I first learned of it on my class syllabus, which I received on my first day. So on that first day, I input the date and time into my calendar. 9/18 @ 18:00. Today I found out that I accidentally entered 19:00.
throwaway_account_69: Did the professor let you retake it?
K0Zeus: I realized my mistake and was able to get to the exam hall by 18:30, so I had to take the entire test in half the time. I was able to complete 18/21 questions without guessing, and didn't have time for three so I outright guessed on those. It could have been much worse.
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1379563748 | 1379608230 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | OwnedU2Fast: TIFU by updating my phone to iOS 7.
All right, brace yourselves for this.
I have had iOS 7 for a few months and about a week ago, I installed iOS 7 GM on my phone. Well, today I found that I couldn't update to today's full release of it and I would have to use iTunes in order to update.
I got home at around 9:00 PM and starting downloading the latest version. Once downloaded, I started the update process. What happens? About 40 seconds in, and my phone bricks. My phone in now in recovery mode. iTunes tells me that some error happened and it failed to update. "I'll just try downloading it from a different website. Perhaps I accidentally downloaded the wrong version. (CDMA, when I maybe needed the GSM version?) Wrong. I delete what I previously downloaded, download the update once again, attempt to update and about a minute later, my phone crashes back into recovery mode. Nope.
All right, so I had to have done something wrong. While, scratching my head thinking about what possibly could have gone wrong, I also delete the update I downloaded once again. Let's see here, I attempted to update my phone from an update I downloaded to my E: drive. Whoops. Chrome's default download location is on my C: drive. All right, well, the update on my E: drive is the one I downloaded about a week ago, the GM version. I probably tried to update my phone to the same version it was already on, so that's why it probably happened.
So, I continue on my train wreck, and I download it once again. I wait for the download to finish, and I make sure to update my phone using the file I had just downloaded. What happens again? Brick. I'm out of explanations for what happened , and decide to try once more, but to let iTunes handle all of the downloading directly from Apple's servers. This takes much less than I expected, about 15 minutes, and when it gets to the stage of updating, surprise, it bricks again.
So I do some Googling. It turns out that I had literally nothing to gain from updating anyways. iOS 7 GM and the public release version are quite literally, the exact same thing. Down to the build number and all. I bet you can imagine how I feel right about now. Whoops, wasted 2 and a half hours for nothing, great, and my phone is useless for a while. Of course, Apple's servers are being hammered right now, so I shouldn't expect to get this problem resolved for a while. The only good thing is this situation is that I made the decision to back up my phone before doing this, but I currently don't have the option to restore from a backup. So, my phone is currently bricked, and there goes my alarm for waking up at 5:30. Now I just have to wait until Apple gets their stuff sorted out until I can operate my phone. Just great. FML.
[deleted]: Have you tried TinyUmbrella yet? It allows you to kick your phone out of recovery mode.
Also, don't use the word brick if you ever want help in the future; you won't be taken seriously. There is no brick, be thankful your phone went into Recover Mode.
*inb4 someone replies with picture of brick*
[deleted]: You can certainly use the word "brick" and still be taken seriously. The device just needs to be well and truly fucked and not actually in need of any support.
| 3 | 7 | |
1379578826 | 1379610508 | null | t5_2to41 | 103 | sudoben: TIFU: by farting just before sex with someone new
Ok so I work as a computer technician for a primary school which btw I think is a great job.
Anyway there is this teacher that Ive been meeting up with for the past few weeks she seemed pretty nice we had a lot of things in common so it was pretty easy to find something that we could do together.
I am not the confident person normally I get pretty drunk before having sex with someone new but atm I doing this eight week program and a cant drink so this made things very awkward for me.
Last Saturday we just finished watching lock stock, started kissing and touching each other for what seemed like for ages I knew that I wouldn't last very long so I tried to stretch out that kind of stuff for as long as possible when we decided to move things into the bed room I remember her lying naked on my bed while I was taking my underwear off as a bent down to take them off I farted just a little I could have got away with it but as soon as a heard it I started laughing which in turn made me fart more loudly so that both of us could easily hear it.
A split second after that I ran out of my room laughing as hard as a can leaving her in there.
Amazingly she didn't leave after that I must have lasted literally about 45 seconds which is another reason I don't think she will be to excited to do it again...
[deleted]: Doesn't matter....
danthezombieking: had sex.
LzTangeL: annnd it felllt sooo goood
| 4 | 25.75 | |
1379598450 | 1379621855 | null | t5_2to41 | 527 | [deleted]: TIFU by winning a Darwin award. Now my girlfriend doesn't dare to leave me alone anymore.
Yesterday night my girlfriend went home for her fathers birthday, so I was left alone to cook for myself. Last time she left for a night I had a small accident with the freezer, which sliced [my hand](http://i.imgur.com/Q0IaBT6.jpg) and [wrist](http://i.imgur.com/MDuJghq.jpg).
She jokingly said that everytime she left me alone for a night, stuff like this would happen to me. Since she's a nurse, she usually can take care of it when she's home, but these things always happen when she's not.
That was a week ago.
Yesterday she left and jokingly said "be carefull, don't hurt yourself"
I laughed.
Three hours later holding my hand under cold water, almost crying.
As I finished cooking my meal, I wanted to put some away for work, so I took a tupperware and wanted to put it on our ceramic stove, when I thought "wait. It might still be hot since I just finished cooking! Better check first!"
The result: [Three cooked fingers](http://i.imgur.com/um7zpRg.jpg) and a bit later [Nice bandages with anti-burn cream](http://i.imgur.com/uES1sJU.jpg)
When I called my girlfriend to let her know. She just went silent and said "...really? I'm not leaving you alone anymore."
It still hurts like a bitch, especially when typing. And I work in IT.
trapt195: Next time, just hover your hand over it.
[deleted]: I have concluded that this might be a better way, indeed.
zupernam: I think for you, you might need a no-contact infrared thermometer.
[deleted]: After talking to my girlfriend today, she decided that I'm no longer allowed to cook unsupervised, nor to use sharp objects and the kitchen lighter.
StillAnAss: Or conversely you could learn how to be an adult and not touch shit that you already know to be hot.
[deleted]: I'm raising a 2 year old. I should know better and I'm ashamed.
smokeydesperado: Does she leave you alone with the child?
MastaMind599: If she did, she won't anymore.
| 9 | 58.555556 | |
1379599047 | 1379642523 | null | t5_2to41 | 98 | joseph_fourier: TIFU by trying to surprise my wife
Not in the way you are thinking...
It is my anniversary tomorrow, and my wife has been having mobility and fatigue problems for a while so I thought it would be a good idea to make her a nice dinner we could enjoy without going out. I picked a menu and for the dessert I selected a chocolate mousse that needs to be made and then chilled for a day, which suited me as I wouldn't have so much to do tomorrow.
So the wife goes for a nap, and this is my chance to get moussing: I melted the chocolate, and started whipping the egg whites. The whisk hasn't been used that recently and this foul brown gunk started dripping out the bottom. Shit. So after a bit of thought I settled on the idea that I would turn the whisk on it's side, lay a pan over the bowl to catch the splatters and the gunk would drip on the worktop, not in the egg whites. Of course, a huge pile of egg whites sprayed everywhere, including on the recipe book. While all this was happening the chocolate cooled and separated so not only did I make a huge mess, I think I've made the worst chocolate mousses in the history of chocolate mousse. In addition my wife thinks I've been cracking one off the wrist to chocolate dessert recipes while eating all the chocolate in the house.
idefiler6: Why the fuck would you think it's ok to use a whisk that has brown shit oozing out?
joseph_fourier: The brown shit was dripping onto the worktop, not into the egg whites. It was only when I first started whisking that I realised there was a problem, and by then the chocolate was already melted so I needed to get the eggs done ASAP.
idefiler6: No, I get that. But I would have still stopped right then.
Jesspandapants: Alright, calm down Gordon Ramsey!
idefiler6: THIS SQUID IS SO RAW
IT'S TELLING SPONGEBOB TO FUCK OFF
Jesspandapants: THIS SQUID IS SO RAW ITS TRYING TO RAPE AN ASIAN SCHOOLGIRL!
NextArtemis: THIS SQUID IS SO RAW ITS STILL 20,000 LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA!
| 8 | 12.25 | |
1379567966 | 1379741717 | null | t5_2to41 | 93 | [deleted]: TIFU by drinking my own strawberry flavoured piss.
So I went out with a few friends and consumed a shit tonne of italian food, beer, whiskey, wine and a range of other liquor before heading home and collapsing into my bed. As I got into bed the growing urge to take a piss grew, I couldn't sleep because I needed to piss, but also I couldn't be bothered / too tierd to get up and go to the bathroom. So I reached down the side of my bed and it was a miricle! A quarter full litre bottle of strawberry flavoured water! In my drunken state I didn't care of the content, I was getting pretty desperate at this point and just wanted to sleep, so I leant over, unscrewed the lid and did the deed, trying my very hardest not to dribble on my fresh sheets. Relief! I could finally sleep! I nestled into my covers and drifted off to sleep...
As the light of the early morning sun shone through my blinds, bolt up right I sat, a hangover from the deepest circle of hell consumed me, I needed water fast, my mouth dryer than the Sahara Desert, my head as if a drill was running straight through it; I reached down the side of my bed... GOLD! A full bottle of strawberry flavoured water... (Or so I thought; in my state of confusion.)
My hands desperately gripping the bottle, it crinked loudly in my shaking hands, I tore the lid off, and recklessly brought the bottle toward my wimpering dry lips, I took a few big gulps, squeezing the bottle tightly in my withered hands, before it hit me, the taste of my own piss.
It.Was.Too.Damn.Late.
Out of my mouth from the pit of my stomach a wild torrent of what can only be described as posideons seman (piss flavoured strawberry water mixed with last nights italian food) erupted from my mouth and across my bedroom covering my sheets.
Worst hangover ever. I will never look at strawberry flavoured water the same again.
TLDR; I got drunk, pissed in a semi full bottle of strawberry flavoured water next to my bed, woke up the next day hanging like a mother fucker, forgot I'd pissed in said bottle, in a state of confusion I drank own strawberry flavoured piss, threw up pissy water and semi digested meatballs all over my bed.
Captain_Dickleg: Wow. You must have been pissed
barnacledoor: Hey got pissed, pissed, drank piss and is now pissed.
Captain_Dickleg: Yup. He was pissed in every sense of the word.
JohnWalterRoberts: Pissed the night away, then pissed the night away, then pissed the morning away, too.
| 5 | 18.6 | |
1379606210 | 1379806611 | null | t5_2to41 | 255 | MetroSexual_Hipster: TIFU by spraying Lynx up my ass.
Today was like any other day. I got home from school and went straight to the toilet to take a shit. My diet for the past week hasn't been the best so my shit wasn't the normal consistency. I finished my business and proceeded to wipe my ass this is when the problem started.
I could get rid of all the fucking shit. 3O wipes later and more than 3 flushes. I would still get a brown stain on my tissue roll when I wipe. I got pissed of and just proceeded to pull up my boxers, wash my hands and leave.
For the next 35 minutes the rampant smell of shit lingered in my nose. At first I tried to ignore it then it just became to annoying to ignore. I went back to the toilet and proceeded to wipe like 12 more times and still the fucking brown stain is there I thought it must be coming from my boxers but it's still it's normal red colour. I pull up my boxers and yet the smell is still there.
I wanted to get rid of the smell so I grab a can on Lynx final edition, spread my ass cheeks and spray it up there. Worst decision ever. It felt like Hades had been let loose in my ass. It felt like I got sucker punched up the ass by kimbo slice.
I fucking killed. My ass felt like it was ripping apart. I had to walk for the rest of the day in a weird arched position limping to minimize the pain.
At least it got rid of the smell.
TLDR - Sprayed Lynx up my ass to get rid of smell. Ass felt like it was being ripped apart.
thufferin_thuccotash: dude, next time just jump in the shower and clean off your ass. who fucking leaves dingleberries?!?
Omnifarious: I always shower after, best feeling in the world.
Revelgoodpeople: You may be my long lost sibling. I'm the only one in my house who thinks this.
JohnWalterRoberts: Revel, I know your pain. I NEVER shit without showering immediately afterward. It's so much cleaner.
adj1: Showering four times a day would not be an option for me. Especially at work.
| 6 | 42.5 | |
1379608604 | 1379816191 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | vampyrita: TIFU by asking for recommendations.
My boyfriend and i have been looking to invest in a new brand of lube, because we don't like the one we've been using. naturally, i asked /r/sex about their recommendations. (this was last night.)
today, i woke up to a dozen replies in my inbox, glanced through them, and decided i'd really read into it later when i'm back in my own room. i'm sitting around with a bunch of friends, where my screen is openly visible...and i have the reddit companion extension. aka i get pop up messages when i get new replies to my posts.
so i get little pop up advice about lube in the corner of my screen.
that my friends, classmates, and possibly professors can easily read.
...
shit.
sporkisfaster: not too bad of a fuck up. we're all big boys and girls enough to know everyone has sex.
also liquid silk ftw.
vampyrita: I'm leaning towards liquid silk, i've heard a lot of good things. And while that's true, not everyone realizes that lube is a fairly normal part of sex, and might assume i need it for nothing but copious amounts of anal.
...no one needs to know that's totally true. :3
adj1: My father died about a month and a half ago. You don`t need to feel bad for me. Today I was cleaning out the house and found KY jelly and a diary of his sex life with my mother. Now you can feel bad for me.
vampyrita: ...oh my.
| 5 | 5 | |
1379577190 | 1379705440 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: I still have a hard time believing this really happened...
Okay, I've been dying to tell this story to someone, it actually happened to me about three months ago, but no one has heard it and I'm about at my wits end.
It's basically about how I was still smoking cigarettes and hiding it from my boyfriend.
Shortly after I started up again (and don't worry, I've quit since), but before Darryl* realized what was going on, I decided to go out on our condo's balcony for a smoke after he had fallen asleep. We have the typical sliding glass door with a screen sliding door as well. With myself hailing from New Jersey and him living alone in bigger cities before, we have some crude security devices we use because the main lock can always be faulty. Growing up, it was the heavy end of pool stick we wedged into the door so that it couldn't be opened from the outside. In my adulthood, all my boyfriend and I have gotten our hands on is a 2x2 that fits in our door with about 6 inches to the wall.
Well wouldn't you know it, I shut the glass door to prevent cigarette smoke from going inside and the goddamm piece of wood falls into place. It wasn't planned to do so. For months we had it resting away from the door so we wouldn't have worry about it. But this one time. I was at least three feet from it at all times, and it decided to slide out from the bottom and lock, right when I closed that door.
I was stuck on our patio.
On the third floor.
I couldn't jump down because I would obviously hurt myself. I probably could have shimmied down if I weren't already in an altered state of mind (beer and weed. Lots.) I didn't trust myself.
At first, I gave in and started pounding on the bedroom window where my boyfriend was fast asleep. As hard as I pounded (and I didn't get very far bc that glass is thick and it hurt my knuckles to rap loudly), I knew he couldn't hear me, so I gave up on that. There was no one I could call because no one had a key, and what am I gonna have them do, catch me?
I started trying to take the doors off. I knew it would be a hard feat after watching my dad deal with our sliding glass doors growing up, and I didn't have any tools. But I got the screen door off immediately and with no problem. It just popped off. The other two pieces, as much as I shook, pushed, pulled, turned, wouldn't budge from the track. I could not get inside. Mind you, every few minutes I am going back to rap on the window - I'd rather wake Darryl up and admit to smoking horrible cigarettes than sit outside all night. But he's not waking. And now all I have this screen door, and a few inches I can stick my arm through to the beautiful indoors. What can I do with that?
I sit down and stare inside at the cat who I can pet and cuddle with, just not with my self inside the apartment; all I can fit through the door is up to my shoulder. I realize this and that I can take the curtains down, maybe that'll help me somehow. I can dismantle it and use the curtain rod to force the rod out of the door.
I'm still surprised this didn't work. It created a lot of noise that still didn't wake the boyfriend, and I bruised my arm in multiple places trying to stretch just a little further, but it would slip every time I *almost* had it.
I almost gave up. Well, I basically did for another 10 minutes (which, when you're locked out somewhere ridiculous and you just want to be done with it, feels like forever!). After a while I started to get bored and irritated at the whole scenario, I decided all I could do was try again. This time, I used that screen door.
At the first try, I hooked it on the the piece of wood and wedged it out of place almost immediately.
I still can't recount the shock I felt, I think the whole ordeal took me two hours.
I just sat down for a while. Then I decided it was probably in my best interest that I put the curtains back together. So I did.
Darryl still doesn't know that ever happened, but I confessed to him shortly after that I started smoking again. A few weeks after that he asked if I'd touched the curtain rod arrangement (things screw left or right in certain places to give length for aesthetics, idk how to explain it) because it looked off to him, and I lied. I said I had no clue. He still doesn't know.
DannyFnLanza: As a boyfriend I can tell you that he probably did know what you were up to and pretended to sleep to teach you a lesson. I do this quite often.
Aurey: So my boyfriend isn't the only one who likes to teach their SO's stupid "lessons"
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1379617504 | 1379799172 | null | t5_2to41 | 75 | palaceofbone: TIFU by getting a tattoo in arabic that doesn't mean anything.
I thought it was supposed to be my name. It translates to a bunch of letters.
LordBarvis: No worries! I say you own this problem.
If you ever need to defend yourself for it, just make like you did it on purpose. Pretend it's satire on people who normally get that sort of tattoo without knowing what it means. Sure, you may feel a little shame inside for making fun of yourself in the end, but THEY don't need to know about that.
palaceofbone: I totally own it. I know it was stupid. I feel like a dick but I haven't cried about it. It was my mistake and I think its pretty funny to be honest. I had a really well planned and thought out arabic tattoo that I've had checked by several native speakers. I chickened out of getting it but I still wanted to get something so I did a quick google search. **Luckily** my arabic friend has written something that incorporates the letters but will make sense so everything will be fine.
Sometimes_Lies: What will the new tattoo say, exactly?
I feel like this is either going to be very impressive or somewhat comical...
palaceofbone: When I know, I'll let you know.
[deleted]: Let me know too
| 6 | 12.5 | |
1379622007 | 1379688928 | null | t5_2to41 | 98 | Little_Johnny: TIFU by deleting my nearly finished engineering thesis.
So a little background first. I'm in college studying engineering, and I am nearing the completion of my final term. However, all students have to complete a thesis project and write a paper on their project to be submitted to the school prior to graduation. I was planning on submitting mine on Monday.
About two hours ago, I was messing around with a code file that I found on gitHub for an open source game. I had created a code project on my computer's desktop to try and compile the game. When I was done with the code project, I deleted it, and reflexively hit the checkbox asking if I wanted to "delete all files in the project folder". Sure, why not, right? The contents of that folder (my desktop), included several movies I had digitized, and the only copy of my very nearly finished engineering thesis (my last backup is from 3 months ago). I guess I won't be submitting it on Monday now...
I'm an idiot.
loudness_: First off, STOP DOING ANYTHING on the computer (this is assuming the deleted data is on an internal drive; disregard if it's external and not being written to actively).
Find yourself a good undelete/deleted files restoration program. There's several good undelete programs available for free.
The biggest thing to remember here is that when you delete a file from your hard drive, it doesn't actually disappear into thin air; it's visually gone, but the bits have simply been marked to be reusable rather than locked in place. As long as you don't overwrite any bits with new data, you should be able to recover your file.
Little_Johnny: I'm a computer engineering major, so this is the first thing I did. Unfortunately (and this is really the ironic part), my thesis was overwritten by the uninstaller for the data recovery program I installed. Yep, it's really gone.
prodigyx: Oh man, I hate to laugh at your misfortune but that is pretty funny. You could not have had worse luck.
LRats: The computer could have exploded, leaving him horribly disfigured.
ROKMWI: Or dead. Though in that case he wouldn't have needed to worry about the thesis.
| 6 | 16.333333 | |
1379610189 | 1379655946 | null | t5_2to41 | 95 | fynx07: TIFU by inadvertently showing my apartment neighbors all of my anatomy
I was painting my new apartment while my fiance was sleeping away a pregnant nap in the bedroom. We had taken down the curtains to make around the windows easier to paint. Let me rewind a bit by saying when we first moved in, we initiated what we call "The Naked Rule". Whenever either of us walked through the door, if we had no company, we get naked right at the door. Awesome rule, you're welcome. Anyhow, so I was in this awesome new rule and painting. It wasn't a problem as anyone outside could only see my stomach up, just looked like I was painting without a shirt. To paint the area of the wall where I couldn't reach, I used a small step stool. Not thinking, I stepped right up to the window with this and proceeded to paint that area. As I looked down and was about to step down, I notice a few of the other residents of the building (multi apartment building, 8 I think) standing outside looking up at me. So, naturally being a friendly neighbor, I wave to them. They all bowed their heads and proceeded to walk back inside the main doors. Appalled, I couldn't figure out why they had been so unkind...until I looked down more to realize that my junk in its entirety was smack in the middle of our perfectly open window. Great first impressions, wouldn't you say??
harryISbored: However do you fry bacon with that rule in place?
dropperofpipebombs: Very carefully.
| 3 | 31.666667 | |
1379623272 | 1379650660 | null | t5_2to41 | 618 | [deleted]: TIFU by pretending to be mentally retarded to use the handicapped bathroom in an office building.
I was a good distance from any other bathroom so I decided to walk into this office building and find one.
This was an extrteme bowel emergency so I entered the first one I located, which was the handicapped accessible bathroom.
So, Im in there doing my business and I hear two women talking outside the door. One of the women is clearly upset stating, "I just saw some young able bodied guy walk into the bathroom. THIS BATHROOM IS FOR THE ELDERLY OR DISABLED! Im waiting out here and he is in there when he could have walked up one flight of steps. I DEMAND he be held accountable" Another woman replies, "I apologize about that ma'am. I'll speak to him when he leaves."
At this point I get a bit nervous. What do I do? So, in all my infinite wisdom, I decide to pretend to be handicapped. I open the door with my left hand, while walking out of the bathroom with my right hand held up to my chest like [this](http://imgur.com/clfp14S). The first woman I see is an overwight woman with a walker. She looks at me and says, "Oh, sorry hun. I was mistaken." I turn to look at the other woman who is a security guard and immediately recognize the face. Its my next door neighbor who I have been flirting with for a few weeks. She knows I am not handicapped. She gives me the most dissappointed, judmental, look of disgust I have ever seen. I stay in character and continue the ruse while I walk out.
About an hour later I receive this text: "You are a manipulative and inconsiderate JERK. Lose my number."
NinjaCoachZ: Are you Larry David?
[deleted]: I just googled him.
No, I am not a balding, Jewish man.
NinjaCoachZ: Oh no, it's a reference to his show, *Curb Your Enthusiasm*. In the show, Larry plays a socially-awkward version of himself who constantly commits social faux pas.
I was just saying that, because this situation seemed like exactly the kind of thing that would happen on that show. I had the theme song playing in my head, ha ha.
jayond: My favorite is Jason Alexander's story about a scene for Seinfeld where George gets a sandwich out of the top of the trash and eats it. Alexander thought it was even too far fetched and ask who would actually do that on real life. David said he did it and that's where he got the idea. The Larry David Show makes me cringe but it's absolutely hilarious. Much better than whatever this new movie was called.
warnerrr: I think it was an eclair.
jayond: I believe you are correct.
| 7 | 88.285714 | |
1379619014 | 1379641639 | null | t5_2to41 | 70 | [deleted]: It's been one fucked up week. My friend shit on my head then TIFU by shitting my self waiting for a bus.
So I'll try to keep this short, basically me and a few guys were at our friends house over in the next town, getting high, drinking beer and what not. One of our friends passes out, so being the lovley friends we are, we decide to set fire to his feet he awoke and I was at the bottom of the bed looking guilty as fuck wielding a can of hairspray used to fuel the sock fire on his feet. He glances down at me and assures me revenge will be swift. I brush this off and we all carry on drinking. I pass out, then I'm awoken with a naked ass above my head bearing down on my face; my friend who I had earlier assulted that evening was attempting to pink eye me in my sleep as a petty act of revenge, however in his effort to fart as I was waking up he actually shit on my forehead.
I woke up, ran to the bathroom and washed my head. I was pretty fucked up so I didn't give a shit...
I returned to my pile of cussions and blankets and returned to my slumber.
I woke up the next morning and we all laughed at the events of the evening just gone.
I decided to leave and said my goodbyes, as I was leaving the preasure in my bowl changed and a low moan eminated from my gut, I ignored it and carried on walking down the street into the town to get my bus home.
I sat down at the bus station, my gut making unholy noises. All of a sudden it hit me, the urge to let one rip, no one was around so I did, I applied full force and effort into this fart as it began to leave my lower colon to join the world I noticed it was carrying some weight, I clenched my asshole but it was too late, before I knew it I was sat in a pile of my own wet, sloppy, stinky ass shit.
SHIT.
I sat there in shock at my transgression. "Holy fuck." "What the fuck do I do?" All thoughts that were racing through my mind... So I did what any sane person would do. I sat in my own shit for 45 minutes and waited for my bus.
My coach arrives, the shit now cold and wet on my ass, soaking through my blue jeans, luckily my jacket was just long enough to cover the patch of shit now visible through my jeans.
Slowly and with an odd gait I make my way; shuffling towards the bus door. I just want this ordeal to be over. I pay the driver and walk swiftly to the back of the coach. A stench of demonic proportions wafting throughout the coach, filling every corner. I sit back down into my soggy wet shitty mess at the back of the busy coach.
It was the longest half an hour I have ever experienced. The stench becoming more and more pungent. As the bus pulled up to my stop I jumped to my feet and made my way quickly off of the coach.
I quickly scrambled off the main road and took to the back streets to get home. I walked briskly to my house the shit now down my leg, cold and wet.
I get to the front door and scramble for my keys, rifling through my pockets, searching. The shit now becoming more and more uncomfortable. I eventually bustle through my front door. I rip my trousers off, ice cold wet shit smearing down my legs and put them straight in the bin out back, along with my soiled underwear.
I then proceeded to bath for a long time.
Overall it was a shitty two days and I lost a pair of my favourite jeans.
TL;DR: My friend shit on my head, I shit my self waiting for a bus the next day.
dianamo11: Welp... reset the counter guys..
pandakidpa: X2
| 3 | 23.333333 | |
1379618033 | 1379656481 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,000 | ararararararagi: TIFU by registering a domain with my full name
Around one year ago I was looking for work in the sound engineering/music area, so I decided it would be a good idea to register a domain name with my full name to make myself look more professional to employers. So I go ahead and register with uk2.net, "myfullname.com".
It gets a little technical here, but is relevant to the fuckup.
The thing is that I already had my own hosting, with a VPS provider. I pointed the domain name to the IP address for my server, but I didn't have a website made yet. So I set up my server to redirect the URL to my Soundcloud, at least for the time being.
I put the URL onto my CV and sent it out to prospective employers.
Not too long after that, I found myself a job, forgot about the website and figured I would just let the domain expire. I also switched to another host, and didn't bother to setup the redirect again. So the URL wasn't doing anything, as far I knew.
Cue back to today. I get an email from uk2 to tell me my domain is due for renewal. Curious, I open up the URL again "myactualfullname.com". And what comes up? A picture of a guy pissing on another guy's face. Another picture of a guy being fisted while wearing leather bondage. "Gay Fisting, Leather and Pissing" in the title bar. Yep, my "professional" URL was directing to a gay porn site.
It turns out the IP address of my old server had been reinstated as the IP for a server hosting a porn site.
I quickly logged into uk2 and swapped the DNS servers back to defaults again and deleted the entries on the DNS server I was using. But anyone who understands this kind of stuff will tell you it can take a day or so before records get updated across the world. As of writing this, it still points to that site..
I have no idea how long it has been like that. Potentially a few months to half a year. I really hope no one found a copy of the CV I sent out in the past and decided to look it up..
**tl;dr: unintentionally hosted gay porn on my professional website, put the URL on my CV and sent it out to potential employers**
OhTheSweetTea: Any chance we can get your full name?
[deleted]: Phil McKraken?
sandman369: Featuring Ben Dover
Shaun_the_Mon: And Seymour Butts.
Spacesider: Hugh. G. Rection
AptFox: This man **Clearly** wins!
[deleted]: Yeah. That's the best.
| 8 | 125 | |
1379636074 | 1379650540 | null | t5_2to41 | 55 | [deleted]: TIFU by putting a listerine tab on my eye
I don't know why I did it. I justed wanted to see how it feels. I'm such a dumbass. Have to keep eye shut to avoid air touching it and making it hurt.
UrSkek: Dave?
[deleted]: Dave's not here man
JohnnyWink: I just saw him downtown and he said wtf.
| 4 | 13.75 | |
1379618556 | 1379703251 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | MicroCosmicMorganism: Der Deutsche Fuck Up
My brother travels extensively for work and has friends from all over the world. A few summers ago, his friend from Gunzburg invited him over to dinner. It was a pleasant evening, but something was bugging my brother, he could remember someone coming from Gunzburg, but not who it was. Of course he made conversation with his friends family and things were going swimmingly, until my brother delighted he'd remembered who it was who came from there said,
"Josef Mengele!"
Naturally, at the same moment there was a conversational lull and everyone present heard what he said and not only said, but appeared delighted about!
Needless to say, he wasn't invited for dinner again.
segalight: "Don't mention the war!"
MicroCosmicMorganism: Exactly.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1379653024 | 1379656333 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | sockmuppetteer: TIFU by not drinking enough water
TIFU by not drinking enough water (for several days in a row, actually). I'm on new medications that each severely dehydrate me, and during the summer I had no problem downing a bottle of water and peeing every hour or so, but now that school is back in session I'm not able to do that anymore.
Didn't really take note of the fact that I hadn't pooped on a couple of days, so when I go to the bathroom for my nightly ablutions and feel that familiar urge, I plop myself down, whip out the phone, and get myself settled in for a satisfying poop. About a minute and a half in, I realize that this is not going to be a satisfying poop.
Things are moving alone and I hear something hit the water, but there's still a lot to go. I'm taking the driest shit ever. Little to mid-sized pieces are falling off the slow-moving but extremely thick poop torpedo stuck up my asshole. I'm straining, I'm shimmying, I'm squeezing and pushing, all trying to get my little turd-baby moving.
Nothing is working. My asshole is stretched to its limit. It's actually kind of like an ass vacuum in reverse--the first bit has fallen away (courtesy flush) but the next part hasn't moved further down. Quite literally wedged beyond reach in my lower rectum.
So after a good 40 minutes with no progress, I'm starting to have the terrible fear that I'm going to pop a brain aneurysm and die on the shitter. Felt like leaving a note that would inform my loved ones that I wanted to be buried with the turd baby, and what name to give it on my tombstone. My choices are currently die on toilet, call someone for help, or, be my own damn fine hero.
So I steel myself, grab a few lengths of toilet paper, and then reach under and back ... and start digging in my own stretched out asshole to remove the giant blockage of dense, backed-up, compressed shit-pellets from my own anus. That's right, I'm digging in my own bung-hole to remove poop piece-by-bloody-mucus-covered-piece. My finger quickly breaks through the toilet paper guard, and my finger is mushing around in sticky, warm shit that is so well packed in my rectum. And each piece sticks to my finger as I try to work it out, and I go through a roll of tp wiping the shit off my finger and the bloody-slimy goo from around my asshole.
Finally I got it all, or enough that my asshole could close again. I spent the next twenty minutes washing my in hot-as-fuck soapy water. It's two hours later and my asshole still burns.
**TL;DR: today I fucked up and had to shovel shit of out my own anus.**
Stop_Being_A_Creep: Prune juice. Seriously. Those little six packs, take 2 or 3 and clear your calendar.
Also, this is the way you're supposed to sit on the toilet. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s7arvdcLWkY&feature=player_embedded#t=0
I've been having problems with pooping because of a surgery, and..argh.
What you did would be the last straw for me.
sockmuppetteer: I will have to try the juice; definitely was not my best experience. Good luck to you!
| 3 | 11.666667 | |
1379649863 | 1379785961 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | Locrian_DM: TIFU and caused nasal trauma
If you're anything like me when it comes to brushing your teeth, you may find the task boring. I attempt to multitask while brushing, which usually extends the action. Tonight's multitasking consisted of brushing, watching the Daily Show and redditing with my laptop. I was about 10 minutes into the brushing when the incident occurred.
By this point I have a good mouthful of tooth paste and various liquid by-products accumulated (as my fellow marathon-brushers will be familiar with). I felt the first tickle, but thought I could suppress the sneeze with the usual trick (feel along your nose until you reach the end of the bone / start of the cartilage and then press into the nose, usually works surprisingly well) but to no avail. I realized my mistake and tried to compensate, but the couch was reclined and my laptop positioned in its usual spot. With the nearest sink at least 10 paces away, I knew I wasn't going to make it and braced for the eruption by quickly sealing my mouth.
The sneeze came less than one step from the sink. I had clenched my mouth so tight that I thought the sneeze would come out my nose, but I'm also a little stuffed up right now, causing a backfire and unsealing my mouth. My bottom lip lost its grip and the contents of my mouth (at least 2 fluid oz at this point) shot straight up, striking my nose and covering the mirror / faucet / wall with the tooth paste, spit and snot. Due to the trajectory, I managed to hit everything in front of my except the sink.
My nose is burning, my throat feels like someone punched it, but at least my left nostril is no longer clogged. I can still smell the brush by-product. I think I need a shower.
**TL:DR** - holding in sneezes blows
HipsterGalt: I've got a friend who brushes for at least ten minutes and gargles for five. Then swollows the mouth wash... The thought if that much saliva makes me want to vomit.
Locrian_DM: UHG, He swallows it? That makes my stomach turn.
HipsterGalt: Right!
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1379687634 | 1379723783 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,310 | throwaway453246: TIFU by taking MDMA before my orgo chem exam.
Oh man, where do I start. I have been studying all week for this exam as I wanted to start out the semester on the right foot. 6:45 this morning, the day of the exam, I decided to take a Vyvanse to help focus and get a bit more studying in before the test. All was going well when suddenly, at about 8:00, It hits me. It hits me hard. I knew something was wrong. In my morning stupor, the pill I had actually grabbed and inadvertently swallowed was a capsule of molly that I was saving for the weekend. As you may expect, that exam was not my finest work. Luckily there is an exam drop in that class, so there will be no penalty. Also, I'm having a killer morning.
TL;DR I have a great story to tell my children
[deleted]: A few years ago I bought some ecstasy tablets in preparation for New Year's Eve. They were cheap, like super cheap, so I ended up getting four. I popped one and had the best time just sitting on the couch with my buddies. Popped the other one. Great evening. Wake up the next morning and realize I have to go to the dentist. Fuck. So I popped the other two and just rolled super hard while they filled a cavity. Listened to music and was giggling at everything. It wore off after the appointment and I felt like hell. I hadn't really eaten or slept. Realized they were definitely cut with meth. Started hallucinating bats. Was super depressed for like a week.
Tl;dr: intentionally took ecstasy before a dentist appointment
thespriter: yea... meth doesn't make you hallucinate, im sure it was piperazine, since meth isnt cost effective to lace with. Also your not the smartest for dropping 400mg in the span of two days.. but doesn't seem to bother you regardless...
AllieB28: Are you sure? Not that I'm refuting, genuinely curious. My mom's drug of choice is meth and there are lots of family stories of her hallucinating. And there was an Intervention episode that had the girl hallucinating that her baby was screaming for her, though it was in a different state entirely.
TigerWithAMustache: No MDMA is laced with meth, that's like putting gold in copper wiring.
Most of the streetdrugs aren't pure, but it's not like they put shit in that to fuck with people. It's purely for money when they lace it.
Who is going to go back to a drug dealer when the last time they got something it made you fucked up. Dealers have a business to run, they won't do you any favors, but especially now that there are so many dealers, they're not gonna fuck with you just because.
IS_THIS_ONE_TAKEN: [MDMA and similar stims/psychs **are** sometimes cut with Meth.](http://www.ecstasydata.org/view.php?id=2841). Meth is far easier and cheaper to produce.
TigerWithAMustache: I thought it was made with the some of the same components, but meth was the stronger version. I'm talking about crystal meth if that wasn't clear. If I'm wrong I gonna feel like a dumbass...
IS_THIS_ONE_TAKEN: The means of making meth and MDMA are completely different, require different precursors, different equipment, etc.
There's a reason meth is such a problem in some areas... I'm not going to go into detail, but the reason you have to give your ID in the US to buy OTC sudafed (containing pseudoephedrine) is because you can use it and only a couple of other things and make meth. Making MDMA is a significantly more involved process.
MDMA is 3,4-methylenedioxy**methamphetamine**, so yes, there is some similar stuff in the molecule, but the way it gets there, and the addition of the methyl and oxy groups, is not quite as simple as it seems to be.
TigerWithAMustache: I don't know shit about how to make it, but I was pretty sure meth could be sold for much more than mdma/molly.
IS_THIS_ONE_TAKEN: Definitely not.
I mean, in the 90s, maybe, but probably not today. MDMA has become harder to come by and meth has become much easier to come by.
Meth gets its expensive reputation because people get addicted to it very, very easily, so they end up buying a bunch of it constantly.
By weight, they can cost nearly the same, but a moderate dose of MDMA is around 120mg, where a moderate dose of meth can much lower than that.
| 10 | 131 | |
1379684122 | 1379736703 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by watching my best friend overdose
We had just injected 3 marijuanas and when it reached his heart it stopped. Please, if you know anyone who injects marijuana, speak to them of the dangers of this plant which kills millions each year. The life you save could be your sons
Black_Pearls: This is a joke...has to be a joke.
[deleted]: It is, man. It's been a running joke on /r/trees for pretty long now.
Black_Pearls: Oh lol I never look at that
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1379707755 | 1379908349 | null | t5_2to41 | 65 | MistaWesSoFresh: TIFU by dropping a deuce in one of the houses I manage
I look after people's houses while they are away sometimes. This one time I was at this particular house Downtown Chicago (River North) I had to drop one badly. Every house I go to is usually on the market and usually as empty as it gets so using their master bathroom was as easy as checking to make sure they had adequate TP. Now every time I go to this house I have to crap - can't explain that. But anyways, today I was there and, again, I had to drop one. So as usual I go up to the third floor master bathroom and have myself a seat. Just then I hear a commotion downstairs. I think to myself *this is strange, did I leave a window open and I can just hear outside...?* NOPE that door just closed and somebody is here while I am pooping in the master bathroom.
I am wiping and trying to get my shorts back on as fast as possible while not making obvious "struggling to get my pants on" noises as to not give away what was just going on upstairs. It is a real estate agent there to show the place. I throw my bag on my shoulder and proceed downstairs in a bit of a rush. "So I guess I can trust that you will just lock the place up?" I say. "Yes" he says and I walk right out as fast as possible. I leave the house and walk across the street and halfway down the block to the train station. At this point I notice things are a bit breezy. I look down and... dick is out. Not peeking through but hanging out, out. I forgot to mention that I have not worn boxers in about 5 years. The real estate agent and everybody just stared but I couldn't care less. I laughed out loud to myself because what the hell else could I have done there. Besides underwear.
tl;dr Real estate agent caught me using the bathroom in a client's house, in my haste to get out and cover my tracks I didn't zip and the entire north side of Chicago saw my dong before I noticed. I realize I should wear boxers now.
cam-abis: I learned to wear boxers back in mid school. For *obvious* reasons.
MistaWesSoFresh: Stopped wearing them as an adult. Despite my ridiculous story you should try it sometime. Liberating.
Xandrosaurus: Doesn't your head rub against the zipper? I rarely do it because I find it uncomfortable.
MistaWesSoFresh: Never notice it. If anything the tradeoff of unrestricted airflow trumps
| 5 | 13 | |
1379713549 | 1379770811 | null | t5_2to41 | 105 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving my "toy" on my bed...
My sister came in to wish me a happy birthday while I was dying my hair. I havent seen her in forever so she asked if my bed was safe to sit on (i'm an illustrator and she accidentally sat on paint once...) so we can chat for a bit. Welp i tell her yup and continue to mix my dye when i see in my mirror bright pink plastic poking out from under my blanket. I literally flew over and plopped on top of it Trying to make it seem like i just wanted to give her a messy hug. Her daughter was at the door tho so it was even worse having two pairs of eyes on me as i tried to desperately and discreetly shove the offensive shaft of neon rubber into the oblivion know as the crack between the bed and the wall.
God...dammit.
I think she sensed something...i think...i think she might have touched it while adjusting herself.
Fuck.
jerrybob: No worries, they both have one too, only bigger.
atheist_libertarian: And blacker.
jerrybob: Das raciss!
| 4 | 26.25 | |
1379719749 | 1379736996 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by making a cancer joke
This was actually a couple years ago when I was learning how to drive. I was in the back seat of the student driver car with my best friend while another student was driving. I was talking to her about how I had a bunch of random bruises on my arm. Then I jokingly exclaimed "Oh no, what if I have cancer?!"
And then I remembered that the older sister of the other student driver had passed away a few years before from Leukemia. I'm surprised he didn't purposely crash the car after that.
EDIT: Hey guys, you realize this is the Today I *FUCKED* Up subreddit right? I was 16 and not the brightest of people.
[deleted]: Wtf. That wouldn't have been a funny joke for any reason. Not only because it could be offensive, but because it's just not funny. If someone said that to me, I might offer a sympathy smile.
hekabous: That's why it's a fuck up. Because I was 16 and I wasn't the brightest person.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1379738151 | 1379967786 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | chai-tyto: Tifu by standing up to my boss
Some of you may remember my story from several months ago wherein I gave a doorstop to an addict and got bitched at twice for it. Well this happened about a month ago already but I feel like I should post it anyway.
So after that ridiculous incident my boss was always on edge with me. If I wasn't absolutely perfect he would threaten to fire me. Even if I had a hundred things to do during my short shift and did 99 of them he would still fault me for not doing the one thing. For missing restocking one six pack or missing a spot of dust. Finally at the beginning of August late on Sunday night I got a text saying that I would come in on Monday, my day off, without pay to "finish what I started" or I would be fired. Immediately I called him and agreed to do it if only to keep my job another week or two until I was able to find something new. I spent the whole night talking (and crying and hyperventilating) over the phone to my friend who said that he couldn't ask that of me and it was illegal. She said I had to tell him no. So I texted him back at 11:00 pm to say that I was sorry, but I couldn't work for free. He texted me back at 1:00 am to say that I was fired. I tried to report him to several offices, and even spoke with a lawyer, but Missouri law states that an employer can fire an employee for any reason, or no reason, as long as it's not race or gender.
I really don't know if this is the correct place to post this since it actually has a happy ending for me. I found a job only 2 days after losing my old one with the misogynist slave driver. It has good hours, good pay, amazing benefits and nice people. So, really I guess this was a good fuck up.
Tl;dr: Refused to come in without pay, ended up with an infinitely better job.
Grathorn: whoa whoa Missouri? there are redditors here besides me?
chai-tyto: I know of at least five!
Yodaddysbelt: Probably in /r/meth
-I live in Missouri I can say it!
| 4 | 7.75 | |
1379744913 | 1379878876 | null | t5_2to41 | 961 | Aithen: TIFU by getting the "finishing blow".
Let me start off by saying I work in construction. A lot of minor injuries happen on a daily basis so I have built a pain tolerance. Today was a bad day though.
I honestly felt like I was invincible since it was Friday... I fucked up when I decided to act like I was invincible too. So here I am on a work site in the middle of a cul-de-sac with only a port-a-potty as a bathroom... I need to shit bad but I can't use the nasty "butt hut", it is absolutely nasty. So I hold it... I mean it's Friday, I can hold out to shit in the comfort of my own home.
So here I am with about two hours before I wrap up to go home and I am nailing in some wood. I decide that to save time I will hit the nails once really hard with the hammer. Turns out I wasn't any more invincible on Friday than I would be on Monday... I hit my finger dead-on, full force. Now remember, I was Prairie Dogging at this time. The force of the impact caused me to get up screaming from the pain and uncontrollably shit myself. Needless to say, I spent an hour, driving uncomfortably home, followed by a clean-up and shower.
TL;DR: Work construction, hammered my finger... Felt like crap... I crapped... Bad Friday.
GreenLightning2010: What the fuck is it with pain causing a person to shit themselves? One time I was sitting in my chair and something got messed up with my knee, it got out of alignment. Anyway, worst pain of my life, I could not stand up. Then it hit... I had to go. How does one get to the bathroom while simultaneously not being able to stand or walk? I hobbled the computer chair into the bathroom (thankfully I was on the same level) and somehow transferred to the throne. Biggest shit of my life -- within minutes of the incredible pain. WTF human body? Why is your immediate response to pain to shit everywhere? Knee is fine now, I just had to "realign" it -- I have no idea what was wrong, even the nurse line was confused...
shoobz: Or that other human response: something is not quite right? Better vomit!
[deleted]: During rape, the victim will often vomit or pee. It's the body's defense mechanism... Your body thinks "Hey this is gross,maybe the attacker will stop"
Roeshelle: It's funny that you should say that because I have always thought that if I were to ever be abducted or someone tried to rape me, I would just be as disgusting as possible. Cry, pee, vomit, poop everywhere, fart as loudly and as often as possible. I wouldn't want to touch me with a ten foot pole, so maybe they wouldn't either and let me go.
thefunivehad: i think there is in writing somewhere something about acting insane when confronted with a mugger/rapist. evidently, being insane is a huge turn-off.
[deleted]: Not really a "turn-off"... that's not why people sexually assault other people -- Rape isn't purely sexual, to them, it's mostly about control and domination.
If they think the person is insane or not in their right mind, theory is that they'll be less inclined to "do their thing" on you, because you aren't in a frame of mind to comprehend what is happening... ergo... he doesn't get the pleasure of "conquest".
/Source: Training. I was a C-HUMINT agent for ~13 years.
[deleted]: Do an AMA!
[deleted]: Naaa. Been asked in the past, not really one for talking about myself like that, not to mention the massive violation of PERSEC that would entail.
[deleted]: Thank you anyways. :)
| 10 | 96.1 | |
1379772498 | 1379793865 | null | t5_2to41 | 150 | tonygordita: TIFU by going into work hungover
Ok, so yesterday my dumb ass went into work with a righteous hangover. You know, one of those 'wake up still kinda drunk and totally nauseous, you could throw up at any minute' type deals.
Motherfuck, really? I have to work 8 hours like this?
So, backstory: I work in a chem lab. The thing with labs is that the tests are always running. They constantly need to be monitored and upkept with different intervals that are on a set schedule. Calling out? No bueno, dude. These fuckers hate that shit.
And I call out a little too much. As in, I had to meet with my supervisor and boss recently about my attendance. So calling out because of a hangover? Yeah, no. Suck it up, pussy.
So anyways, Thursday night rolls around and the roomie and I are getting hammered while playing GTA V. Awwwww yeahhhhh. Good shit. You see, the roomie is a bartender and he sometimes makes pitchers of pretty dope drinks. That shit Thursday night was *loaded* and tasted real good, so I'm getting balls deep in this demon water.
Midnight approaches and I somehow made it to my bed to pass out. And now it's 6:45AM and my alarm is blaring. Snooze-city, population this guy. I'm not outta bed til 7:20. Throw on some clothes real quick and I'm out the door. On the way to work, I pick up a breakfast sandwich and I make it on time. But Hell, I'm feeling real shitty. So I chug some coffee and get an iced tea at the vending machine as well as a few cups of water from the cooler because this is one dehydrated hombre.
Some would say this isn't my first rodeo, and I figure I'll make it to lunch and be good after that like the previous times.
So I'm working for about 3 hours with intermittent periods of extreme nausea, including running outside at one point certain I was gonna barf. But I didn't. And I really wish I had then, because I could have controlled the damage.
About this time, the coffee is hitting me real hard. You fucking know I'm about to get paid to shit my balls off. So I'm in the disproportionately small bathroom with regards to the amount of employed individuals in this building--aka it's always full--and I'm getting down on some quality poop-time.
And then I feel it. The definite sour-taste-in-your-mouth of a symphony of shame type throw up session. Here I am on the toilet in a full bathroom and I'm gonna throw up. Hard. So I quickly pull up my pants and flush, hoping to run out into the back of the parking lot in time to handle this like a gentleman. But that's a far distance.
In hindsight, I was naive to think I'd make it.
As I'm standing there, suddenly BLURPHF I barf in my mouth. Just a mouthful, but there I'm standing with a mouthful of barf and no idea where to put it because once I spit it out, the rest is coming up. And I'm, ya know, SURROUNDED BY MY COLLEAGUES. After about 10 seconds of deliberation, it suddenly dawns on me that I have a mouthful of sour, disgusting, chunky barf and this shit is GROSS.
In my haste, I decided to spit it in the trash real quick, wash my hands, and make for outside. I probably got about 5 steps out the back door when it happened. And it happened hard.
Projectile vomit all over a high-traffic parking lot. Instinctively, I cover my mouth. Bad idea. It sprays ALL OVER MY FACE AND SHIRT. A veritable bacon egg and cheese, coffee, and iced tea deluge of dismay.
Now here's the thing: I never once stopped walking, and quickly at that. Mid-stride I start projectile vomiting and somehow am able to avoid it getting on my jeans, and that's a key point. I've got shirts in my car, but no pants. This huge wave of shame is billowing from my mouth and I dodge it like some punk ass playing vomit dodgeball for everyone to see.
So now I'm running to the back of the parking lot when I realize my car keys are in my desk. Barf in my hair, on my face, dripping from my nose, all over my shirt and arms, and I'm stuck outside. I frantically start calling everyone inside I know but no one answers.
You horse fuckers.
So now I'm trying to figure out what to do, and I decide to flip my shirt inside out after wiping my face, put it on barf-to-skin, and run into the backdoor to my desk, get my keys, and run back out.
Now, I'm not trying to be graphic or anything, but the squish of cold vomit to skin was awful. Truly reprehensible. Also: the smell.
So I do the deed with no problem, change my shit, and now it's time to clean up my stomach shame and call it a morning. As I'm wiping it up with some rags and tossing it in the dumpster, one of the higher-ups in another department sees me and asks what happened.
"I threw up."
He looks at me, doesn't say a word, and keeps walking. So I go back to work and finish my day with a bruised ego and some laughing coworkers.
**TL;DR there is no fear quite like realizing you're about to barf at work and the only available toilet is filled with poop.**
finners_: Why the fuck did you leave the toilet cubicle when you thought you were going to vom?
joe_canadian: Hungover brain + small bathroom = stupid logic.
kcgdot: Man, keep that shit contained. Obviously he's describing cleaning puke up from a parking lot, which is at best concrete or asphalt, at worst, dirt or gravel.
Puke on the tile of the bathroom floor, or better yet, in the fucking toilet even if it's filled with shit. If he can walk, vomit, process and do all this other shit while puking, he can probably flush the toilet while vomiting.
| 4 | 37.5 | |
1379800040 | 1380071215 | null | t5_2to41 | 662 | [deleted]: TIFU Lost Virginity, killed the mood immediately. NSFW
This is a tale from about a year ago. So after months of trying to convince my girlfriend to have sex with me, she eventually agreed. I was ecstatic about this decision. Fast forward 2 days(when it happened). We were in my room, just finished doggy style, and she decided to finish me off with a handjob since I (and i still dont beleive it) gave her an orgasm, she wanted to make it mutual. As she goes to grab my cock, my thoughts were not coherent at this point, so i wasnt thinking straight, and was saying random shit, and i randomly burst out with "That might take a while, it usually takes me half an hour solo." She then looks at me obviously taken back by what i had just said, and let go, and just turned away from me and wouldnt speak up for at least 10 minutes. Boner dead, Mood killed, didnt finish.
TLDR: Lost Virginity, killed mood immediately.
CapgrasX13: I can't say I've ever heard a story about a dude losing his virginity when he didn't orgasm. Congratulations, pretty sure that's a first. Oh well.
Edit: Holy shit, I had no idea how common this is.
CitizenPremier: I have trouble orgasming myself during sex. Some people act like it's a great thing, but I think it's just the same thing with a role reversal.
And then when two people who can't cum have sex together, and don't tell each other first...
aunt_snorlax: I have two friends (a couple) who have such infrequent orgasms that, as a rule, each one gets a fist bump. They seem happy enough with it.
It gets pretty silly when I'm in bed with them, though, because I can have like, 10 an hour.
CitizenPremier: Each one gets a fist bump? Say what?
aunt_snorlax: I worded that weirdly. Or maybe it's just weird. Every time anyone has an orgasm in their bed, everyone gets a fist bump, like it's that much cause for celebration.
CitizenPremier: I think it was both worded
weirdly and weird. I can't ever imagine fist bumping in the middle of sex...
aunt_snorlax: To be fair, after an orgasm is usually not in the middle, especially for them. Obviously I can't speak for when it's just the two of them, but I imagine then it's more of a quiet moment, perhaps wordless.
For threesomes or moresomes, playfulness is nice, and a well-placed "Did you cum? AWW YEAH" didn't seem anything other than fun.
| 8 | 82.75 | |
1379804988 | 1380053773 | null | t5_2to41 | 502 | CaptainSnowy: TIFU by making tea in an apple sauce jar
Alright. So, at around 5:15 in the evening (about 25 minutes ago), I decided to make myself a cup of tea to fight off the mid-evening snooze and get focused for the night ahead. It started off just like any other mid-Saturday affair, except all day today I've had a piercing headache.
Actually, let me elaborate a bit. A few hours before, during, or after a big rainstorm, I typically get a decimating skull-fuck from Satan himself for an uncomfortably long period of time. The rain had just stopped a few minutes before I decided to take that fateful walk over to the kitchen.
I was pretty much just wiping the seed of Lucifer off my chin.
Naturally, I was in a haze. Everything looked really bright, and my eyes dully throbbed whenever I moved them. I wandered over to the stove, and put on the kettle. My hands shambled over to the cabinet where I keep my cups.
There were none. The dishwasher was running.
fml.jpg
Now, here's where the fucking up starts. Instead of being a non-dumbass and just not making any tea, I decided it would be a better idea to search for an alternative drinking vessel to employ for the job.
I made my way to fridge; a journey that seemed to take hours. Opened the door. The only remotely cup-worthy receptacle to be found was an apple sauce jar of dubious age. It was about 3/4 empty, so I washed it out and plopped a tea bag into its murky depths. The water boiled. I poured it into the jar. Waited 2-3 minutes. Ready to drink.
Take a large sip. Swallow with gusto.
...
Holy mother of all that is shitty, it was bad.
Imagine throwing up after drinking too much booze. Picture that watery, sticky ooze all over your carpet. Your hasn't-been-washed-since-1995 shag carpet. Now, imagine scraping all of that up and scooping it into a used, steaming toilet, chunks and all. Stir it up a little.
That's what this nightmare fluid tasted like.
Part of me couldn't believe how utterly disgusting it was. I stood for a moment in silence, slowly understanding the error I had made. I ran to the bathroom and promptly vomited into the shitter. I stood up and looked myself in the eye in the mirror.
"You pathetic fool."
As it turns out, the apple sauce I thought I had washed away was about a month past the expiration date. Also, my hardly lucid self failed to do a proper job of rinsing it out, and upon further inspection, there were still congealed chunks of congealed demon-bile floating around in the tea water.
The stomach ache hasn't gone away. I feel like a possum being eaten alive by a rabid raccoon.
TL;DR I drank tea out of a jar containing spoiled apple sauce and may have given myself some kind of rare tropical disease.
[deleted]: I was expecting the jar to shatter everywhere. I guess this is a bit better.
Kiwispam84: Yeah, me too. Boiling water in glass is a bad idea.
robgis: It's not so much the temperature, more the rapid change thereof which makes glass break. Same is true of a lot of materials.
Source: have shattered a frying pan running it under cold water. Oh and the same with hot glasses
kingwaller99: exactly, but in this case it would be a very rapid change as the jar was out of the fridge
robgis: Not necessarily, didn't he say he rinsed it out? I assume with hot water.
kingwaller99: oh yeah, good point.
| 7 | 71.714286 | |
1379814082 | 1379826681 | null | t5_2to41 | 69 | NeedSomeSplaining: TIFU by getting an 82 year old car into a fender bender.
In reality the whole thing was pretty minor, but I felt like shit. So my dad and I were getting our 1931 Ford Model A out of a storage unit about 1.5 miles from our house. This car belonged to my great grandfather and is all my dad has left of his granddad. Needless to say, it has a lot of sentimental value.
We planned to drive it home, but it wouldn't start. No big deal, well tow it. Keep in mind this car had no power brakes to begin with and stopping distance leaves something to be desired. Did I mention I've never had to tow before and this is only about the 4th time ive driven the car? But hey, its just steering and braking for a little bit, right?
So I'm being towed in the Ford while my dad pulls with his pickup. All fine till we turn the corner onto our street. My dad slowed down too much and slack got in the tow strap and it got caught in the wheel. I yelled at my dad to stop and he stopped a bit more suddenly than I expected. I didn't brake soon enough and my momentum carried me into the rear bumper of his truck.
LUCKILY, I turned the wheel enough to just scrape the corner. It was slow enough that the dent in the left front fender was only about 4 inches long. So not a huge deal. I felt like throwing up though. My dad wasnt even fazed. All he said was "Oops, needs new paint anyway." So it really could have been worse. But I felt like shit the rest of the night.
EDIT: pictures of the car, as requested: http://m.imgur.com/4I7aPuy
http://m.imgur.com/a83RIiz
[deleted]: Hey, no reason to feel guilty. You made a small mistake but quickly turned it away from turning into a huge disaster. Your dad isn't even angry. Try to look on the bright side of things. :)
NeedSomeSplaining: Thanks. I feel a lot better now, but when I heard that crunch as the fender hit, my stomach just dropped. But all in all it wasn't so bad.
PixelOrange: Lots of people get into minor accidents while they're first learning. If this is the worst you ever do, consider yourself way ahead of the class.
| 4 | 17.25 | |
1379821343 | 1379950391 | null | t5_2to41 | 67 | noamshomsky: TIFU by saving over my boyfriends GTAV data.
Shit shit shit.
We've been alternating playing, he was at 37%, I am at 18%. I've been soo good about not overwriting his game, even after 5 hours of play and delirium.
He went out for the night, and I stayed in. After relaxing and hitting a bowl, I was finally ready to play. However, this one mission got me so frustrated, I decided to just quit and wait til he came home for help. I was saving through ifruit , and the next thing I noticed was that his progress had disappeared. It was gone. I almost threw up all over the console, not before jumping out the window. and restarting the console and reloading the game 4 times.
If I was my boyfriend, I would hate me.
I fucked up bad.
pooptits1: Blowjob?
Lakonthegreat: Blowjob. Blowjobs cure all.
Forgrin: He may need more than just a bj
Lakonthegreat: TWO BJ'S!!
Forgrin: I was thinking more like for the duration of him getting back to were he was in GTA...I think that would work
Lakonthegreat: Dude I dunno. My dick would get sore after that long. I mean that's like 11 hours of gameplay.
noamshomsky: Yeah he wouldn't be down. I already voluntarily give him head once a day prior to doing this, so this is unfortunately a nonsexual matter.
Lakonthegreat: Wow, you're proper fucked.
| 9 | 7.444444 | |
1379824628 | 1379876499 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | Sheltoro: TIFU by being colorblind
Tonight I was coming home from a friend's house after a fun night of GTA V (not relevant to the story, but still a super fun game) and I was approaching a stoplight and my eyes tricked me into thinking the light was green when it was actually red. Luckily I didn't crash, unluckily there was a cop car sitting at the light and he instantly pulled me over. Now I have a $120 citation. Ffffuuu
Tl;Dr: colorblindness leads me to run a red light, cop pulls me over and gives me a $120 citation.
Revelgoodpeople: How the fuck do you not know the top light means stop and the bottom light means go, This doesn't require knowing the colors.
FeralPotato: Well if you read it then you'd know he implied it's at night. I'm also colorblind, and it's fucking impossible to tell what color it is at night.
Revelgoodpeople: So you can't see a glow of some color emitting from one the holes on the traffic light then?
Sheltoro: It seriously is really hard to tell at night time. If there isn't much light around it then it's hard to see the rest of the holes sometimes and I thought this one was at the bottom.
[deleted]: If you really can't tell then you probably shouldn't have a license... Stop driving before you kill yourself or others.
Sheltoro: This is the first time this has happened. It's usually not hard for me to distinguish them but last night it was apparently.
| 7 | 3.428571 | |
1379826895 | 1379942267 | null | t5_2to41 | 340 | [deleted]: TIFU by having my girlfriends brother rub his face with my splooge-rag
TIFU well a couple years ago I did. So, my girlfriend F(17) picked me M(16) up one day to take me to school while my car was in the shop. I think it was getting the clutch fixed or something. Alas I digress, so she picks me up early, with breakfast, to have a romantic time in park before school starts. Well, being teenagers and all one thing lead to another, and we started getting it on in the back seat of her car. I end up finishing on her stomach and using napkins from the breakfast to clean up with. So after sex we head to school like any other day. We meet after school for her to take me home. However, first she has to pick her, little brat of a little brother up from school and take him home before dropping me off. This kid is the absolute worst I don’t think I can properly express my hatred for him just with just this post. He constantly curses at her parents when he doesn’t get his way etc, really he is just a spoiled little 14 year old he has openly expressed his hatred for me many times on many different occasions. So anyways we are picking up her little brother form school. He insists on sitting in the back seat. Of course we let him. Totally forgetting that he has the worst allergies ever and it is just coming into spring. As soon as he gets in the backset he is sneezing his head off, I go to the glove box to get him a napkin but as I reach around I see he already had a few. To my horror I those were the same napkins that we used to clean my man juice early that morning. Right as I make this realization the poor bastard has a sneezing attack of, I shit you not like 10 – 12 sneezes all back to back to back. He is manipulating those napkins like he’s trying to fold an origami swan out of them. I watch in shock as he opens up different parts of the crusty wadded up napkins to try to find a new place to blow his nose on. All we could do is watch quietly as Bellagio-like water works spew from his nose as he feverishly wipes his face with my old cum-rag napkins
TL;DR my girlfriends brat little brother wiped his face with my cum-rag
Spelling, and Grammer
EDIT I just realized how illiterate I am
zallen1868: Whenever I read posts like this, I always think, "you were 16 and not wearing a condom?!?!"
shadybrainfarm: birth control pills + monogamous relationship = worth it.
zallen1868: She was 17. Minors can't get birth control.
sprucay: really? Shit. In the UK you can get it however old you are, you just get a shit load of advice with it.
zallen1868: We prefer teen pregnancy in the US over common sense.
colwynmyself: Where in the US aren't you allowed to get birth control as a minor?
baisforbethanyalice: Nowhere.
| 8 | 42.5 | |
1379828638 | 1379870838 | null | t5_2to41 | 146 | Coastal_Cruise: TIFU by realizing that I have been attending the wrong class
I'll explain this in chronological order.
During the end of the last school academic school year (spring semester), I decided that I wanted to take a break from my university in order to resolve some anxiety issues that I had been experiencing over the past year. I finished the spring semester and returned home to my family for the summer. During the summer I decided that I wanted to take a physics class at the local university in my hometown in order to fulfill a requirement for my major and have the credits transfer over to the university that I have been attending (might as well do something productive while I'm at home).
Fall semester rolls around the corner and I attempt to sign up for the physics class at the local university. I encountered a few initial difficulties as I attempted to sign-up for this class (I had to get the approval of the instructor because I wasn't considered a full-time student). I had to crash the first day of class in order to even hope to get onto the class roster. On that first day I realized that the class was incredibly overbooked, but as luck would have it, the university decided to add a 2nd lecture for the physics class because the 1st class was so overbooked (for clarification, both of the classes teach the same material, but they are technically different classes and taught by different professors). After getting the approval of the Professor teaching the 2nd lecture, I turn in all of my paperwork and pay for the class.
Fast-forward to this week. After weeks of emailing different people I am finally able to access the school's online resource website that each student logs into in order to check their school-related finances, class registration, and other miscellaneous stuff. While exploring the class registration portion of the site that shows all the classes for which you are registered, I came to the horrible realization that I am actually enrolled in the first lecture and that I have been attending the wrong class since the start of the semester. This means that I have missed credits for participation in class, at least a few homework assignments, and the first midterm for the class.
I just emailed the professor of the class for which I am registered basically admitting how much of a dumbass I am for going to the wrong class and begging for some sort of way to make up the credit that I have missed. I feel like I'm on the verge of an anxiety attack.
techie2200: That sucks, but it could have been worse.
A friend of mine went to one of our classes for an entire semester (doing all the coursework and exams) and then almost 2 years later (when starting his "final" semester) he found out he wouldn't be graduating because he hadn't technically been enrolled in that class.
Luckily he managed to cram another course into his last semester (overloading it) and did in fact graduate.
Coastal_Cruise: Yeah you're right, it could have been worse.
I just read the syllabus for the class and it says that class participation accounts for only 5% of the total grade, homework assignments account for only 10% of the total grade, and the lowest scoring midterm out of the 4 given is dropped. I guess I haven't missed too many points from missed homework and class participation in the grand scheme of the class. This also means that I can use the midterm that I missed as my lowest scoring midterm. I won't have a buffer if I do poorly on one of the other midterms, but this just means that I'll have to stay on top of studying for this class. I think it was just the initial realization that was making me feel overwhelmed, but now I feel slightly relieved.
Also, thanks for taking the time to reply to this.
techie2200: No problem! I'm sure you'll be fine :)
| 4 | 36.5 | |
1379842113 | 1379915539 | null | t5_2to41 | -3 | [deleted]: TIFU by cheating on my girlfriend with her best friend and losing them both.
Sorry if this is a bit of a long read I just wanted to include all the details.
I was talking to this girl I liked lets call her Bec. As things started going places her best friend Jess started talking to me on facebook.
I started talking a lot to this Jess girl and she became like a wing-man helping me get to know her friend more which was helpful.
I ended up dating Bec but kept talking to Jess because we bonded a bit and I started seeing her as a mate.
At this point I didn't know much about this Jess girl, I'd never even met her.
Bec and I got around a month into the relationship but I was still talking to Jess everyday. One time Bec invited me out and brought Jess with her... Jess was absolutely beautiful and was more interesting in person.
Because Bec and I had only been dating a month I wasn't that attached to her yet.
I came to realize that Jess and I had way more in common than Bec and I had which added to me being confused as to what I should do.
I knew Bec was a bit of a jealous and protective girlfriend but I was determined to just chill with Jess one day as friends just to really get to know her. (dick move going behind my girlfriend's back but I felt it kinda necessary)
I went to Jess's house one weekend, Jess's parents knew the name of Bec's boyfriend so I had to lie about my name so they wouldn't suspect something.
We talked heaps and watched some movies together. That day I realized something... I think I like this girl more than my girlfriend.
I also got the strong impression Jess also developed feelings for me even though I'm dating her best friend.
I fought an internal battle in my head and ended up thinking fuck-it and stayed the night at her house. Late that night she kissed me and I realized that I'm now too deep and there's no turning back.
There were a million thoughts running through my mind but I thought it was best if I broke up with Bec and only saw Jess, it seemed the most logical option to me. However I delayed it because I was still unsure so I continued dating Bec for around 3 weeks. Jess promised that this didn't bother her because it would be too hard for us to date anyway and that she's just happy we have something.
I ended up breaking up with Bec around 3 weeks after staying at Jess's house and to cover my ass I had to give her some bullshit excuse as to why I wanted to end it.
Bec didn't hate me for it and instead we actually stayed really close friends.
Of-course nothing ever goes as planned, Jess's parents found out who I really was and threatened to tell Bec the truth... Their compromise for not saying anything is that I don't contact Jess anymore.
So things were up in the air I had no girlfriend and wasn't allowed to go see the girl I liked. I kept in contact with Jess on facebook though and we still talked every day.
4-5 weeks later Bec decides that she wants to lose her virginity to me because she wants her first time to be with someone she trusts and cares about. I tell her I'd only do it for her if we can agree that it doesn't mean anything and there is no feelings or attachment. She agrees.
In my stupid brain I thought this wouldn't be too bad of a thing because of the agreement and the fact that I wasn't actually dating Jess so it's not cheating plus she didn't care that I was still dating and doing sexual shit with Bec while we had a thing.
So I had sex with Bec last thursday and didn't tell Jess because I knew she wouldn't understand and I thought it was best if we just kept it between me and Bec.
Here's where it get's REALLY fucked.
Jess lies to her parents saying she's sleeping at her friend emma's house on friday and instead comes and stays at my place we have a really good night together and I feel closer to her than ever.
The next morning when she has to go home she calls her step-dad claiming to be at emma's house and is ready to be picked-up. Her step-dad informs her that he spoke to emma's parents and knows she wasn't there last night. She freaks out a bit and hangs up on him.
She's scared and doesn't want to face her parents so she decides to just stay another night at mine... However we forget to tell anyone where she is.
We have another amazing night together and end up even having sex a couple of times.
The next morning I'm woken up by a call from her step-dad "hello infektek I know Jess is with you, put her on the phone please" I'm like "yeah sorry mate she's not here" He's reply is like a kick in the face, "Her friend gave up where she really is and it is now a police matter as she has been reported as a missing person." My heart drops and I hand the phone to Jess. They argue for a while and again she hangs up on him again.
She decides she's gonna go stay at her grandparents house because she's too anxious to face her parents now so I agree, drop her off at her grandparents and text her step-dad as to where she is.
I get back and open up facebook I've been spammed messages from Jess's friends and family asking where Jess is. One of them which catches me eye is a message from Bec "hey I know this is random but do you know where Jess is by any chance? She's missing and her parents are looking for her" The message is followed by "ummm just got off the phone with Jess's parents, why the fuck was she at your house this weekend??"
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
I come clean with Bec and tell her about Jess and she ends the convo with "I never thought I could hate 2 people more in my life than I do you two. I will never forgive you."
A day later she messages Jess and tells her about how we had sex, jess goes back home to her parents to deal with all this. Jess is fucking furious and tells me to never contact her again. I don't give up on her though I explain everything including the deal I had with Bec.
I give her some time and we start trying to sort everything out on the phone the next day, her step-dad takes the phone off her and lets me know that Bec's mum has given them my address and that he's coming for me, that I'm a pathetic player and probly keep a score-card listing all the girls I use and fuck-over, blah blah blah.
She messages me on facebook that night and apologizes for her step-dad and we again try to work things out however at the same time her parents and bec's parents are in her ear telling her that I'm a user and an asshole and not to forgive me and all that shit.
They end up finding out she's trying to work things out with me and actually kick her out of home and she is forced to move in with her grandparents. They kicked out their own daughter...
We talked yesturday and she ends up deciding that this has gone too far and caused too much shit and that maybe it's better if I just move on because she needs some space and doesn't know what to think anymore.
EDIT: She ended up getting together with a now ex-mate of mine out of spite and I too am now seeing someone else. Not a single fuck was given.
TL;DR I got with my girlfriend's best friend while in a relationship, kinda cheated on the bestfriend with the original girl I was dating unintentionally and have now lost both of them forever.
Good job me!!
SoyPopo: That sucks dude! Title is slightly misleading imo but I'm feeling for you :'( People are stupid sometimes, I don't think it was your fault.
INFEKTEK: It was kinda cheating man I kissed her best friend and stayed over her house while we were in a relationship. We didn't have sex but that's still cheating and I'm not proud of it.
SoyPopo: Fair enough, could've been worse though right? You did stop, that's gotta be worth something?
| 4 | -0.75 | |
1379883308 | 1379883732 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | mems_account: TIFU by leaving 2 months worth of Calc homework till the last day.
Have to do it all by tomorrow at 9:15 AM. I am currently 1/3 of the way there.
Manchee1017: Let me help: GET OFF THE INTERNET AND WORK
...unless of course you're actually using the internet to help, like http://www.wolframalpha.com/
mems_account: I'm actually giving myself an hour of break time after every 1/3 of the work because if I work too long at a time my work gets all sloppy.
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1379886745 | 1379911101 | null | t5_2to41 | 804 | Lolrama: TIFU by slapping my dad in the face
Well, I'm cheating, as this happened last night, but whatever.
So I was reading /r/nosleep on my iPad at 3 AM when I heard my dad come up. I had headphones on and I heard a door close, so I assume he went to sleep. A couple minutes later, I see a hand appear on the screen of my iPad. Note, I was reading /r/nosleep, so I naturally freaked and smacked at the black outline which looked like a head of the monster with the iPad. Guess who it was? He's still mad at me.
[deleted]: pretty un -entertaining fuck up...
with the right storytelling you could make it better though.
what was your dad's reaction? how scared were you? what did you think when you saw your dad?
WileEPeyote: ...just had a flashback to high school writing class.
snakesonacraig: Plot Twist: /u/_oasis is a high school writing teacher who happens to cook meth on the side
positronus: He cooks meth with the power of a rhyme. I like it, "Methamphetamine, methamphetamine, something, something" What? I am not a poet damn it.
cursedorenriched: Good planning, but terrible execution. positronus, see me after class.
positronus: Yikes, that's what my wife says...
Chibichuba: That sounds pretty kinky
| 8 | 100.5 | |
1379887212 | 1380038032 | null | t5_2to41 | 41 | [deleted]: TIFU while sharing a moment with my SO in a public park.
Last night we had parked in a park near a friends house and walked to a party there. Afterwords, we came back to the car and decided to get hot and heavy.
Right in the middle of it all, two police cars pull up, and knock on the windows. We both were really surprised and didn't know how to react. We got a 15 minute interrogation about drugs being a problem in parks like these, and got asked if we knew anything about them being dealt or done around here. Then they informed us that we were breaking public lewdness laws.
They let us go with nothing but the embarrassing speech, but we are both still in hysterics about the whole thing.
TL;DR Fucked up by fucking in a fucking park.
TheUndeadKid: I'm pretty sure you guys weren't fucking in a "fucking" park.
hflsmg17317: adjective, not a verb.
TheUndeadKid: I know, I was just trying to be clever. ;)
hflsmg17317: Oh I see! Don't worry, your secret is safe with me.
| 5 | 8.2 | |
1379889220 | 1380066101 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | [deleted]: TIFU by talking behind my sibling's back while they were home
Sibling is a bit of a forever alone living out of parent's basement.
Lately, I've been asking mom what he's been up to recently. Today I told her he needs to get his shit together. Belittled what he's done/been doing recently because it really isn't much for someone in their late 20's and not a viable source of income.
Little did I know he was home. Sound travels through our house like a loud speaker exists. Pretty sure he heard everything I said.
Feel like shit.... Am I an asshole?
Maybe he did need to hear everything I said to get him going....
Twisted_Cuber: > Am I an asshole?
yes, but the first step in recovery is admitting it.
stwor88: yeah but you can't force a person to realize that they **have** to change, they themselves need to come to that conclusion. Also if you really want to help your sibling maybe you should try addressing the them with your parents to sort it out. Be aggressive, not hostile.
| 3 | 11 | |
1379902271 | 1379905088 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by breaking my girlfriend's foot
So today, I was doing nothing like every other Sunday and I decided to call my girlfriend to go to the rib burn off that our park has every fall. It got pretty late and there was nothing exciting happening except her falling down all those the hills. Right after that my parents told me we were leaving so we left. Nothing special at all really. We went to eat at fucking Applebee's like shit man wat. Then like, we fought over an iPad. What are we doing with our lives. So we get a great idea. Let's put lacksee on a spinnyspoo chair and start swippiny swooping her in chair spennys. Then through some timey-wimey wibboldy wobbly she went sploosh right on the bloody carpet. Like wow such fall great job owie wowie. It was weird man. Not gonna lie, it was the highlight of my month right after her dad doing the "hump day" thing on 9/11. That was great.
Mr__Internet__User: I don't think I understood at least half of that...
MemoriesOfBabel: OP is a lyrical wordsmith. The intentionally ambiguous meaning is designed to have a disorienting effect on the reader. Truly, a work of art.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1379904816 | 1379910479 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | powdog: TIFU by sleeping with an old fling
This guy I used to hook up (I'm a girl), we'll call him T, with a while ago came back in town to visit some mutual friends. I tried to date him towards the end of our thing (~6 mos ago) and he skipped around it a lot, so I dropped him and started sleeping with someone else. Right after that happened, he decided he wanted to date me. Throughout the whole 4 months I slept with the other guy, T was texting me telling me he missed me and that he wanted to hang out with me and see me when he visited town. He recently just got over texting me... but when he came this weekend, I realized I missed him and wanted to hang out with him a little more. After drinking a LOT, I ended up taking him home and we did the deed. Probably a bad idea in the long run... seeing as he will probably want to be with me and I don't want anything right now. Kind of fucked him over (literally) twice now. I feel like a bitch.
Lakonthegreat: As someone who's had this happen to me before, I can say you should feel bad. The best thing as far as damage control now is to not lead him on, don't ignore him, just be honest with him for once and tell him you don't want to be with him. Find redemption in honesty.
powdog: Yeah, I plan on doing that.
Lakonthegreat: Good. Being strung along is the worst feeling in the world.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1379909765 | 1379984208 | null | t5_2to41 | 174 | Xandrosaurus: TIFU and almost got my dog shot
I live in a slightly ghetto neighborhood, and I have a medium sized dog. There are a lot of untrue stereotypes about ghetto folk, but from experience, the one where they're terrified of dogs is pretty accurate. I try to be accommodating and keep my dog away from anyone who looks uncomfortable. I've gotten good at reading body language; if someone stops walking and stares, or suddenly changes their walking pattern when they see her, or screams and hides behind their friend, I'll take that as a sign that they're not a big fan of dogs. I'll just walk her by the curb, or keep her close to me until they pass. It's not always possible to keep her in a bubble, so I sometimes have to ignore the eye rolls, gasps, and the "hey mister, control your dog" when we walk calmly past them.
Today, I went to the off leash section of Prospect Park. Legally, you're allowed to have your dog off leash before 9AM and after 9PM in certain areas, but people usually come at 6PM and there's never an issue. We left when it started getting dark. There weren't many people near the park exit (a "no dogs off leash" area), so I decided to drain her last bit of energy by throwing a tennis ball around. From a shadowy corner, I heard a woman with a thick Jamaican accent yelling:
"Hey! You need to put that dog on a leash, Mon!" I might have added the "Mon" part.
That pissed me off. My dog is harmless and she was nowhere near this person, so why does she care if my dog is running around off leash? Get over your fear, lady! I ignored her and kept playing with my dog.
She yelled the same thing again. This time I was about to ask what her fucking problem was. I got as far as "What..." and froze. She left her shadowy corner and was advancing towards us. She had her hand on her gun. She had the I'm-gonna-shoot-your-dog-if-it-comes-near-me look on her face. You know the one.
Oh, did I mention she was a cop? I quickly leashed the dog and muttered "sorry". She relaxed and went back to her position. I left the park shortly after, embarrassed but also grateful my dog wasn't shot and that I didn't get a ticket.
**TL;DR: Dog was off leash in an "on leash only" section of the park. Woman gets mad at me for as breaking the law. I get mad at her for getting mad. She debates shooting dog.**
**EDIT**
I don't think I was clear: I didn't realize that the lady was a cop until she came closer. She was 30 yards away and standing in a shadow. I could see the silhouette of a person, just not a uniform. The "I fucked up" part was making the assumption that she was a civilian.
As for the "your dog should be on leash" comments, I wouldn't do this if she didn't have spot on recall. She ignores the world around her if there's a ball around. I only do it in the park, away from cars or other dangers, and she's leashed if there's a lot of people around. I'm not putting her or anyone at risk. But, hey, if it turns out I'm wrong, I'll write about it in another TIFU and invite you all to say "I told you so".
JustAnotherLondoner: Not everyone likes dogs, and you said yourself in the 'slightly ghetto area' it seems true that people fear dogs. Even if it wasn't a cop you should have listened and put your dog on a leash in the area where he was supposed to be on a leash.
Xandrosaurus: Clowns freak me out a little, but if I saw someone putting on clown make-up I'm not going to demand it to stop. I doubt the law was put in place to respect people's fear; more likely to prevent dogs from hurting people, damaging things, etc. and mine was being a danger to no one.
seamonkee: The law is in place not for you to decide when it's appropriate but as a base line for everyone to follow. You were completely in the wrong here. I have a pit bull and know the prejudice people have against my dog and do you know what I do? I follow the rules of the dog parks and in general public leash laws because I am not going to give anyone a reason to further discriminate against me or my dog.
Just because your dog was fine in your eyes during those seconds, you have NO IDEA what could have happened. Don't be an ass. Follow the leash rules for fuck's sake.
Comparing someone putting on clown makeup to a dog that people have no idea how vicious or trained or responsive and trying to make some sort of illogical and utterly wrong analogy doesn't help your case.
Xandrosaurus: The clown analogy was in reference to the fear reaction, not to debate leash laws. Posting it in /r/tifu and not /r/i'manentitledprickandnothingbadshouldhappentomewhenibreakthelaw is acknowledging to some degree that that I *did* do something I shouldn't have.
seamonkee: Yeah, kinda. Your whole post and your responses are very much in the tone of "I didn't do anything wrong! My dog was just playing". But you did do something very wrong, something that could have ended up badly for all involved and you're passing the blame to the cop, whining about why you should get in trouble having the dog off leash in a leash area and making terrible analogies. It's not coming across that you actually feel responsible for any of it.
Xandrosaurus: Not passing the blame to the cop. I didn't realize she was one until she got closer.
stealingyourpixels: >I didn't realize she was one until she got closer.
It shouldn't matter if she's a cop or not.
| 8 | 21.75 | |
1379934138 | 1379967642 | null | t5_2to41 | 93 | easynametoremember1: TIFU by loudly yelling a racial epithet while killing a spider.
I was eating dinner, and I suddenly saw a **huge** spider on the wall. I'm not fond of spiders, not in the slightest, and my family immediately cast the responsibility of killing this behemoth to me. So I grab the broom and walk toward it, and my heart is pounding because I'm scared it's going to jump on me and devour my soul and I lift the broom up and, I do not know what made me do this. I put the broomstick up to the wall, start crushing it slowly, and yell "DIE NI**A" basically as loud as I could.
I killed it, and my family were just looking at me like "What. The. Fuck.". I just sat down and put my head in my hands. I live in an apartment and am sure as fuck that my neighbors heard me and now think I'm a Grand Wizard. I've never use the n word a damn day in my life, well until yesterday. I can't tell you what compelled me to yell it, but it was one of those situations where as soon as it comes out of your mouth you want to reach out and stop it.
I'm embarrassed and kind of pissed at myself.
tolerance_is_gay: It probably was a Black Widow.
StacheBox: Ehmm... I believe you mean African American Widow
Yodaddysbelt: Widow of African descent
| 4 | 23.25 | |
1379958173 | 1379988995 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,418 | bean_flicker_fuckup: TIFU by flicking my bean at work.
Throwaway for obvious reasons, but I thought you guys might find more humor in what happened to me than I do.
Today I've been feeling particularly horny. I think it's a combination of PMS (which makes me want to have a dick inside me in the worst way), and just thinking about the incredible sex I had this past weekend.
Well, my boss was in a meeting all day today so I let the horny-ness get the best of me. I pulled up pictures of my boyfriend's dong and I knew I just had to slip my pants down to mid-thigh level and get to it.
I was really close to coming when I heard someone start walking up the stairs but I figured, fuck it, it *can't* be my boss..he's down in the meeting room all day! It has to be someone else going to their office. At that moment, I heard the door to my office open. Fuuuuuck.
I quickly pulled my pants up, but he walked around the corner in time to see me doing some buttoning up. Having been so close to orgasm, just the seam of the pants touching there made me come. As he's trying to talk to me acting like he didn't know what I had been doing.
As I tried my darndest to *not* show any signs of orgasm-occurence, I couldn't help my voice trembling. I could feel the flush color of my cheeks as well. But worst of all, I could see my boss getting a boner. My 68-year old boss turned on by my masturbation/orgasm. He then went into the bathroom for a few minutes, and we haven't exchanged words since the incident.
Hello Monday. This will be an awesomely awkward week at work.
tl;dr: Boss walked in, I orgasmed, he got hard. Pretty sure he fapped too.
[deleted]: Haha holy shit, people believe this shit? Fuck, guys are stupid.
DammitJosh: I know! Nothing could ever happen! I doubt these comments even exist!
[deleted]: Goddaaaaamn you're stupid.
DammitJosh: If you think this didn't happen wait until you learn about how babies are made! Such bullshit! Atoms don't exist!
[deleted]: hahahahahah whaaaaaaaaaaat are you even talking about
DammitJosh: I don't know! It doesn't even exist!
[deleted]: Are you commenting on the wrong thread or something? You're saying stuff that doesn't even make sense.
DammitJosh: It doesn't make sense because I don't exist! You're right! Nothing exists!
[deleted]: You sound like you might be bipolar. If you're having a manic episode you should probably take your lithium or go to the hospital before you hurt yourself.
DammitJosh: Shit! I should go find a hospital that exists first! The last three I went to turned out to just be squares of the void.
[deleted]: You're really, really gullible enough to believe very blatant karma bait? You are as dumb as your stupid jokes would lead one to believe.
DammitJosh: That karma baits name?
Albert Einstein.
| 13 | 186 |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.