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|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1379965143 | 1380054367 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | RikM: TIFU by not being in debt.
So I intend to study a masters degree this year for which I need to get a bank loan to fund it. I applied for the loan which is specifically designed for those wishing to study a masters. I have now been told I was rejected from getting the loan because my credit rating is too low. I then was told that my credit rating is so low because I have not been in any debt in order to boost my credit rating. I have student finance and as well as monthly bills but as these payments go through my student account, they do not affect my credit rating because, apparently, student finance and student accounts have no affect on your credit rating. Neither positive or negative.
EDIT: I now realise this is more of a rant than a TIFU. Sorry about that.
EDIT II: The reason this is a major fuckup in my life is that this means I cannot fund, and therefore cannot study, the masters which starts this week. This loan was also supposed to pay for my rent and bills which I am behind on.
midwestwatcher: This is a well known flaw (read: scam) built into the current credit system. You have to get into debt to qualify for anything "nice" in life like a mortgage, or student loans. One day, when the world has a lot fewer problems than it does today, I'm sure the government will bring the hammer down on these BS tactics. Considering the other issues currently on the table, though, it may take a while.
Ghostofazombie: You can use credit cards responsibly to raise your credit score and never pay a cent in interest. There's no scam there; in fact, you can come out ahead by using rewards cards as long as you do a little planning.
EDIT: This applies to the US, but I have no idea how things are done elsewhere.
midwestwatcher: Sure; I do this. But it won't raise your credit rating the same way a mortgage or student loan will, and the banks make a lot of money off of people who are late on a single payment. It's tempting to just argue that the banks are just trying to figure out who is a worthy borrower and this is the best way to do it, but I think that's an example of the just world phenomenon.
Let me put it this way: Why is it when I log in to pay my credit card off, out of the three options (make minimum payment, pay last statement balance, and pay entire balance) the "make minimum payment" option is checked by default? Conversely, when I log in to pay my utilities/internet/rent bill, the "pay entire balance" option is checked by default with "pay last statement balance" and "make other payment with late fee" are options. Don't tell me that they didn't have a 3 hour long meeting when they made that decision. The banks WANT you to have debt and pay their fees because it is profitable for them, not because it helps them distinguish who is reliable.
Mr_Lawyer: So, wait.. you're telling me that businesses want to make money and be profitable? THE HORROR!
midwestwatcher: You are drawing too grand of a conclusion about me from the post you read and your own feelings about people with different political views than you. While you feel you got at the heart of my argument by pointing out to a (non-unifying, mind you) principle of a free market, you actually ran off on a tangent showing what you most often think about when you imagine people on the opposite side of an issue as you. I would call you an armchair philosopher, but I don't actually think you are a professional.
Mr_Lawyer: lol wat, this has nothing to do with politics, sparky. put down the bong!
midwestwatcher: Wat indeed, Mr. Lawyer.
| 8 | 1.25 | |
1379976674 | 1380043036 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by losing my Kindle Fire
So this all started a week ago when I brought my Kindle to school. i read it before class started getting ready and all. When class started i set the Kindle on my desk and did my work. When class ended i left the KINDLE ON MY DESK AND WENT TO LUNCH. I LEFT IT THERE. i only noticed today and am panicking in a partial rage partial disappointment in myself. my school does have cameras for this sort of thing but if i use them then my parents would be told and grow livid mad.
reddit help me what should I do?
calrinet: android device manager might work since I think Kindle Fire runs android?
its something like android.com/devicemanager
its worth a shot, if that doesn't work but I am right in assuming that it runs android go to /r/android and check out the sidebar, it has info on finding your android device after you've lost it/stolen
[deleted]: It doesn't run android..
tman1x1: Yes it does. A heavily modified version of android
[deleted]: Yeah I knew that it technically is "android" but to the point where it is barely android and all skins and it is not linked to your Google play account so it won't work.
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1379985984 | 1379989007 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by posting something to my main facebook wall instead of my friend group.
Fuck, I'm still shaking. This actually happened today, approximately thirty minutes ago. My friends and I are trading interesting links back and forth, and I find a link about the average height of women throughout the women being between 5'0 and 5'6 throughout the world. So, as an over-dramatic joke, I share the link with the comment
"I AM FIVE FUCKING FIVE, I AM NOT THAT GODDAMN SHORT."
Because it made sense in context of our conversation. Less than a minute later I see a pop up from my aunt, who never messages me. The only thing I see is 'Did you just drop the F bob on facebook?' I immediately click on my profile as my stomach drops through the floor.
My worst (facebook) nightmare has come true, and a link when I'm swearing like a sailor no less. I delete it as fast as my shaking hands can, and then promptly thank my aunt for pointing it out and tell her it was a misplaced joke between friends.
I checked my parents facebooks since they always leave them logged in. Neither of them are set to receive notifications when my status is updated. I won't know for sure until they get home tonight. Here's hoping everything does not go to shit.
Man, I fucked up.
oc192: >Man, I fucked up.
Dude, you just did it again! Don't you know that since the software upgrade last Friday, that everyone's reddit account is now linked to their facebook profile?
TWRogue: You gave me a brief mini heart attack.
spankthepunkpink: i once got drunk and tried to stab my Dad in the guts, letting them see a swear ain't that bad, you'll be fine :-)
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1379984587 | 1379988878 | null | t5_2to41 | 53 | I_soiled_it: TIFU, I soiled it. Literally.
Throw away because, you know...I shit myself. It literally happen around...13 mins ago(minus the typing). I wanted to take a picture of my brown stained jeans. But I realized I'm in public and the stench is invigorating...except in a negative way. Anyways I was walking to the bus stop(driving test next week.) and waiting for the bus. I got on and I felt something wrong. Kinda like a motion sickness kinda way. I reached my college and now I'm going to class. As I approached the door, I felt like I needed to fart. So I proceed to do so. But this one is a tough one. I mustard all my might and OBLITERATED my boxers with shat. I froze, I'm 3 inches from the door way to my class. I feel the liquid shat drizzle down my boxers down to my right thigh. It felt lukewarm. the texture felt like the cross between water and dijon mustard. People looked at me. I not sure if they smell it. But oddly my new jeans was taking it quite well. I just washed it and using 2 cups of detergent and 5 sheets of softener sheets before shitting in it. so the glade smell is quite strong in this one. I slowly reversed my steps. luckily the bus came in just in time. I paid the fare. Sat down ON MY SHAT. and waited. a lady sat near me, she started to question the smell. she said "wow, it smells like clean clothes! Is that you?". I nodded. When the door open I quickly ran to my house, unlocked it. PANTS OFF. The smell was a mix of ass and a strong frebreeze hybrid glade. I stuffed it in the washer for 50 mins. Never again I'm trusting my farts again.
TL;DR: Trusting a fart. Shat myself. Lady loved the smell of ass.
LaserKuH: Well thank you for a Story with repeated and detailed description of the smell of your soil.
I_soiled_it: O gawd...its literally unforgettable...the mustard. the stain. the lady. 3 inches. ass. liquid. lukewarm. more mustard. IT'S BURT TO MY MIND!
| 3 | 17.666667 | |
1379984552 | 1380024404 | null | t5_2to41 | 75 | WhiteNoiseSupremacy: TIFU and wet the bed. On my wedding night.
So, this didn't happen yesterday but in July. Me and my lady have been together for 7 years today (but got married in July 20th), so I thought it'd be good time to share this story.
The night before the wedding me and my bestman went to our local small pub to have a couple of pints. (The pub and the wedding place are in the region we used to live in when we were younger.) We talked about the next day and how my life had come to this and so on, I even talked how I wasn't scared or anxious. We even saw some of my friends from another town (where me and Mrs. live nowadays), so we had two more beers each. So when we got to bed it was like 3 am and we had to get up at 8. So not too much sleep for the night, and the next day would be a big one.
Well, despite my lack of sleep the next day was perfect. Fucking flawless. I was so goddamn scared at the altar before my soon-to-be-wife entered the main hall, but still it was marvelous. A friend performed a song by Enya with her violin at the church and our wedding march (or is it hymeneal in the US?) was Outro by M83, so I couldn't hold back the tears.
The party itself was also so great, even though I feared beforehand that I'd get too drunk at my own wedding. We partied till 4 am, and then everyone ordered cabs, including me, the wife and our siblings and cousins. Since the place was at the countryside, we waited for our taxi for an hour. And during that time I drank the last bottle of champagne by myself and had fun with the remaining guests.
The taxi arrives, I hop in, and pass out immediately. I remember everything except the cab ride. When the taxi arrived to our hotel, nobody could wake me up, so my now-wife just stood there and laughed her pretty little ass of while our friends, four of them, carried me to our suite, the bride giggling behind us. Or so I heard. They even tried to take off my suit, but eventually gave up and went to their own rooms.
Midday. I wake up. I feel quite... moist, so to speak. I immediately knew what happened. Thought: "No fucking way, not here, not now. Not again." My bonjour-suit and the 3000 dollar bed were soaked. Pee all over. This wasn't the first or the second time it had happened, but you know, this time it really ruined my morning. And morning wood. So there we were, lying in my piss, drinking champagne and eating grapes and enjoying the first day of our marriage.
__________________________________________________
TL;DR I wanted to shoot my load all over my newly wed wife, instead took a piss on her.
(Sorry if grammar has issues, not a native engrish speaker.)
Thinc_Ng_Kap: This one is a keeper. You both stayed in the piss soaked bed?
WhiteNoiseSupremacy: Yeah... Threw the bedsheet in the bathroom, same with my suit. Watched some tv and even tried to bang. I was too embarrassed to be able to finish.
One time when I had this little accident was in a Finnish music festival. We slept in a tent. I had my iPhone in my pocket, so it didn't work so well in the morning... I fucking broke my iPhone with my own urine, and the whole tent reeked of ammonia for the next three days of the festival.
Thinc_Ng_Kap: I want to party with you.
| 4 | 18.75 | |
1379990318 | 1380131662 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | sublym0nal: TIFU by fixing my friend's iPhone
So the other day, my friend had updated his iPhone 4 to iOS 7. Part of his password had letters in a keyboard different than that of the default, and for some reason the update did not carry those settings over, which effectively locked him out of his phone. Earlier today, I helped him and ended up restoring his phone to factory settings. I set it up as a new phone, then configured his keyboard before restoring from the latest backup he had. It had finished restoring much earlier than expected, and he had left a minute ago for class, so I go run after him to give him his phone back. I try to give him his phone in a nearby parking lot, and it slips out of my hand, falling face-first into the curb and spider-webbing the front screen.
I then took his phone to go get the screen fixed at a repair shop in a mall the next town over, as the local repair shop had already closed by the time I got a chance to do this. After about 2 hours, the screen was swapped and all seemed to be well. Upon closer inspection, however, the phone no longer appears to get any service, and the screen seems to randomly flicker as well. The poor technician tried to troubleshoot these problems up until closing time, at which point he basically admitted defeat and asked me to come back tomorrow, which leaves me with a rather pissed off friend, ~$80 out of my pocket, and still a non-functioning phone.
**TL;DR:** Fixed software problem in friend's iPhone, phone slips out of hand and cracks front screen as I give it to him. Take to repair shop, screen swapped out but phone still doesn't work right. I'm out $80 and he's pissed.
sonicdrumm80: sounds like a case of: shoulda bought a fucking case for your pocket computer fucktard...
sublym0nal: It was out of its case at the time since he was calling Apple's tech support and needed the serial number.
sonicdrumm80: which you can get from the software side...
sublym0nal: Can't do that through traditional means if the phone's locked.
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1380000145 | 1380169746 | null | t5_2to41 | 48 | [deleted]: TIFU by showing a (female) friend some pictures on my phone
Some of you may have already had an idea based on the title. I should probably be using a throw away for this but fuck it. On to the story:
Lunch period arrived, sitting in the hallway done with my food. My friend (who is part of the species known as the female) is sitting next to me. She wanted to see my girlfriends dress for homecoming. I pull out my phone and show her the dress. She accidentally flicks the screen to another picture. I begin to show her more and we eventually stumble upon videos. I have a vine and I occasionally post so apparently it saves your vines to your pictures. A while ago I made a vine of me masturbating because loneliness and boredom don't mix. I deleted the vine but not the saved version on my phone. Guess what she stumbled upon? You nailed it. That video. I quickly pulled the phone away and proceeded to act like I obtained some virus that installed weird shit to my phone. We both know what it was and we haven't spoken about it since.
JohnnyWink: What was her reaction? Is she hot? Did you tell your girlfriend?
johnnydsmith: she did
Musty__Elbow: Ops gf?
johnnydsmith: ops friend
| 5 | 9.6 | |
1380003241 | 1381438017 | null | t5_2to41 | 170 | johnknoefler: TIFU by going to the wrong job site and working (for months)
My subcontractor asked me to join a crew in Charleston South Carolina at a shipyard. I was a bit vague on the name of the shipyard and I suppose they thought I would meet up at the motel and then go with the whole group to the yard. I got there a day early and asked directions at a local gas station and ended up at a small privately owned shipyard on a water way. When I introduced myself to the supervisor of the hull division and said who I was with he had what I thought of as the time a smirky grin. I was puzzled why he smiled like that. He was happy I was here I guess? And he called a foreman from the yard in and had me go with him for my weld test. The foreman took me out and showed me where he wanted me to weld on the ship. Now that's odd I thought. They don't even know if I can weld and they just throw me at some work. Ok. No matter. That's just how they roll here.
I went to work every day for two months. The rest of the crew seemed to be working somewhere else at a large navy yard where they didn't seem to work very hard. I came back to the motel tired and beat from working my ass off while they came back all chipper and full of jokes and suspiciously clean.
Then one day the subcontract CEO was being friendly with me and he suddenly asked me why he never saw me at work. "I don't know. I go to work every day and I never see you there either." So he is looking puzzled but I don't mind. I know I earned my checks. My time gets sent in by the yard and my check comes back from the subcontract office. What's to worry. Then he asks me where I actually am working. Detyen Shipyard I reply. Suddenly he busts out laughing at me. "Not to worry. We have a contract with them too and it's all good. You just weren't supposed to be there. "
Finally it dawns on me why the supervisor there at the yard had that smirk and why he was so hot to put me to work that very day. He wanted me to be working at HIS yard so he could claim he already had me and it was a done deal. And to make it more secure he never spoke to the CEO about it. Office girls wouldn't be knowing who should be where.
annoyedatwork: Got nothin' on [this guy](https://github.com/bibanon/bibanon/blob/master/Stories/American-Dream.md).
johnknoefler: Awesome reading. I wasted over an hour reading that. Thanks.
louiskli: Just read this while sitting there doing nothing at work. Oh the irony.
| 4 | 42.5 | |
1380026871 | 1380108037 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,329 | Testudine94: TIFU by accidentally sending a guy a picture of my new aquarium.
I got an awesome new 150 gallon tank and decided I wanted to show it off to one of my Facebook acquaintances, James. We occasionally chat about snakes and turtles, so I figured he'd be interested in my new aquarium.
After I got out of the shower I took a picture of the aquarium and sent it to James.
I went back and looked at the picture to see if I could tell there were turtles swimming around, and that's when I noticed that my naked reflection in the aquarium glass was clearly visible. I just sent this guy I barley know a picture of my naked reflection... I was pretty embarrassed. Still am. But he never said anything about it, so I guess that's good.
Edit: I'm a girl
ilikeeatingbrains: Are you sure you weren't fishing for compliments?
**This isn't just an aquarium pun.**
dbzgtfan4ever: Nah, she doesn't want to get the other guy hooked.
mcbeardsly: I sea what you did there.
Trapezus: The net is not amused.
mcbeardsly: Looks like these puns are starting to flounder
Trapezus: The yawns are hurting [jaws.]( http://www.startchopping.com/jaws.html)
mcbeardsly: whale...that escalated quickly.
JustRuss79: That pun what horibbubble
amcgillivary: Honestly that kind of just sounds like you had a stroke mid sentence.
Ninja Edit: Holy shit that's also kind of a pun!
thismessismine: At least they're going with the flow.
Trapezus: We wouldnt want to flood the comment section.
| 12 | 110.75 | |
1380010726 | 1380057997 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | thereverendjoseph: TIFU by lending my debate coach my laptop
So this actually happened a few years ago while I was in high school, and it's gotten to be a pretty popular story passed on with my debate team.
At the time, I went to a catholic, all-boy school where many of the teachers were priests or monks. I was also the captain of the Lincoln Douglas (one-on-one) debate team and so I worked very closely with our coach, who was a monk. Despite whatever you may think about monks, he was a pretty cool guy and was pretty easy to get along with so long as you didn't piss him off.
Also at this time, I had been experiencing some computer trouble. For instance, google chrome, my default browser, was having trouble working when I wanted it to. It would also load many pages very slowly. It was pretty irritating.
A few months into my senior year, we had a debate tournament in a nearby city. It was a large tournament, and like many large tournaments it had posted its brackets, wins/losses, and reviews of debate rounds to a website designed specifically for debate tournaments. I had brought my computer with me to the tournament because I would usually read my speeches off of my computer, and I was tethering through my phone for internet because the school the tournament was in had a wifi password. So basically, I was the one of the few people on our team who had internet access.
Naturally, while we wait between rounds in the school auditorium the coach wants to use my computer for a few minutes to check on the website postings. I see no problem with this, so I gave him my laptop. I already had chrome up and everything, so all he had to do was open a new tab and enter in the website url.
He sits at the computer for a few minutes while I play doodle jump a few rows away, and then says he's done and I can take the computer back. Cool, I think, and go and get it from him. He closes it, and as I take it he says "Thank you thereverendjoseph, THANK you" almost in a malicious way. Uhm, okay, cool. You're welcome? Whatever. I sat back down in my seat and continued at doodle jump.
A few minutes later I decided to make some edits to my speeches based on some things I had overheard in other team discussions. I open up my laptop. There is a pdf open of the current debate brackets, but it isn't quite at the top of the screen. At the top of the screen, to my dismay, was a series of firefox tabs: "slut takes it in from behind", "horny milf bangs teen", etc., followed by "debatepostings.com" or whatever it was called.
I had forgotten that, about a month or two prior, I had gotten pissed off at chrome while trying to find some decent porn that I had opted to use firefox instead. Now, I'm not dumb, I use incognito windows, but since I used firefox I had just used a normal window for it, and had forgotten that I had firefox set to open up to the last closed window because I so rarely used the browser. When he went on my computer, he had opened firefox rather than just using chrome, and bam, porn.
While I was figuring all of this out, which took only about thirty seconds, I was too engaged in trying to figure out what the hell had happened to realize that the sound was on, and the videos were all *playing*, and my sound was on. I was in an auditorium full of 200+ kids, and I had moans coming from my computer. I slammed my computer shut as soon as I realized, and people in the rows around me were staring, understandably.
The monk and I stayed friends, and we talked every now and then, but he never quite trusted me with a computer in his presence. I assume he thought I was watching porn at the debate tournament, and he had just caught a glimpse of that. But yeah, I fucked up pretty hard.
TL;DR I tried to be helpful, ended up showing a monk porn.
crazymonkeykus: you guys stayed friends? did he touch you?
k12314: He didn't just touch him.
He DESTROYED him.
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1380032013 | 1380069679 | null | t5_2to41 | 141 | SSPPAAMM: TIFU by scaring my son
Actually it did not happen today but some days ago. i was in the basement in our "entertainment room". We have a TV, Stereo and some consoles there. I showed my 7 year old son my old music collection. I started with some 90s techno and he liked it. I then asked him: "Did you know that music can even scare you?" He did not believe me so I started Aphex Twin - Come to daddy. He sat in his seat and was getting smaller and smaller until he cried. I instantly stopped the music :-(
TL;DR: Too lazy didn't write summary
pigletpuncher: [Link](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-9UvrLyj3k) to the song for the extremely lazy. I have never heard it before, kind of glad.
fabulous_frolicker: Listen to window licker as well.
pigletpuncher: [Is this it?](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JAt6jpBmHHM)
fabulous_frolicker: yessir!
pigletpuncher: I have to admit, I do like this one better than 'Come To Daddy'
| 6 | 23.5 | |
1379994324 | 1380522512 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | MrZanderson: Tifu by cleaning a door
So as part of my job at a restaurant, I have to clean the large glass doors at the entrance of the place. They get REALLY nasty from all of the hands that push on the glass to open it, so they have to be sprayed down from time to time. Pretty gross.
Anyways, it's time to clean the windows. I spray down the doors real good, then I reach backwards. Huh, the door is back farther than I thought it was. I take another step backwards, still reaching backwards. My hand hits something. It's not a door, but my stupid brain doesn't realize it's not a door.
As I keep reaching back at this "door," I notice that some of my fellow workers are giving me horrified looks. I finally turn around to find that my hand has been pressing against some guy's junk for the past couple seconds. I slowly look up at him, seeing the most perplexed look on his face. I choke out an awkward sorry, look back down, hold the door open for him, and walk into the bathroom full of shame.
TL;DR: I tried to clean a door, but I groped a customer. Repetitively.
GravityChanges: That's the door to a man's heart.
Sir_Mine-a-lot: Very true. We are simple creatures :D
| 3 | 5 | |
1380057208 | 1380085923 | null | t5_2to41 | 174 | Dollah_Dollah_Bill: TIFU by washing my face with Summers Eve.
This morning I was getting dressed for work. Took a shower, brushed my teeth. I started to wash my face when I notice my girlfriend left a bottle of what looks like face wash. I pick up the bottle, look at the directions: *For external use only. Wet area and apply*. I was in a rush and out of face wash so I completely missed the vagina bit. Washed my face with the stuff and went to work.
Fast forward and I'm home playing GTA V. Girlfriend stops me and asks, "What were you doing with this?"
"Yeah, I noticed you left that for me."
"For you?"
"Yeah, I'm out of face wash, remember?"
She then bursts into tears of laughter. She falls over on the couch, her head on my lap. I paused. As I had my little revelation. She gets up and yells, "You fucking dumbass! This isn't face wash!!" My eyes wide, and my mouth gaping, I whisper "No..." in a defeated tone. She's on the floor by then, still in tears. She throws the bottle at my face, and says, "Summer's Eve, fool! It's not face wash," She gasps for air. "it's *pussy* wash!"
TL;DR: Washed my face with a vagina care product.
D3rp1na: Summer's Eve is a BODY wash. It's just Ph balanced and has no heavy fragrances that will upset the fragile environment of the coot. While mildly funny, not funny enough to be in tears over.
rmandraque: soap is soap.
D3rp1na: For those of us with sensitive vaginas, that is a false statement.
rmandraque: Well yea but I was commenting on the other way around. If the skin is rough, soap is soap.
| 5 | 34.8 | |
1380054023 | 1380078804 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | xromancex: TIFU: by trusting a free computer from a "friend"
So, as it goes I needed a new laptop. The one I was using was very old and beaten to hell. I'm talking this thing had been dropped numerous times, charger fell apart along with the battery being a dud and the screen going out. All after getting those fixed I told a "friend" of mine that I needed a new one that I could actually carry around with me instead of constantly having to sit in one place and fuck around with the charging cord.
Well, as it is this friend gives me an HP of his that he had used for work only. He claimed that he cleaned off his stuff and it was in working order. He failed to tell me is that it wont boot up at all past a certain screen after the "cleaning." I'm saying I can turn it on and get it to a screen that tells me to hit F11 and then sends me to a point where I can recover files and after all that restart the computer and then it goes in a complete circle. This computer is basically as useless to me as the stationary laptop outside.
TL:DR trusted a friend about a computer he obviously knew did not work.
GrumpyMcGrumperton: When you see the HP logo when it tries to boot hit ALT + F11 and do a complete system restore. Should be all set. :)
xromancex: Thank you :) I hope it works lol I'm not very computer savvy haha
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1380064782 | 1380127451 | null | t5_2to41 | 226 | Garrettmightbedead: TIFU by playing Zelda in front of my girlfreind.
This actually happened last summer so I guess Im a rule breaker.So I have been dating this girl for around for months and, I honestly thought tonight would be my first time having sex with her. So we are in this upstairs room that has a Wii and some games, one of which was legend of zelda: Skyward sword and stupid, stupid me thought it might be fun and silly if I showed her how to play this fantastic game. So after the beggining tutorial part, she gets bored and tries to snuggle up on me but alas, I try to convince her that the game gets better. She sighs and refuses so in an act of intense stupidity I decide I will at least get to the first dungeon. After an entire first dungeon and her giving obvious hints that she didn't want to watch me play some game, I am at the first boss battle: Girahim. So anyone who has played this can tell you that there is a lot of sword slashing with the Wii controller in this boss battle and, she decided she needed to go to the bathroom right as I was swinging the remote and it ended up slamming into her right eyesocket in a glorious yet, terrible way. Glorious because I had just beaten Girahim and terrible because, well you know. I fucking hit my girlfreind in the eye with a wii remote. She cried and got super pissed off and left my house while I apologized profusely. Luckily her black eye was miniscule and it was the summer so she didn't really go into town alot while her face was messed up. She ended up forgiving me but im sure still has a grudge. The worst part is after she left, instead of calling her like a good boyfreind, I sat down and played through one more dungeon.
I have been dating this girl for four months now but, at the time of the incident we had been dating for only lik 3 weeks.
balancedhighs: This will be one of those things she won't forget, and if you fuck up again, she will add them all together and realise that you're not the one....
Garrettmightbedead: Wow, a tad bit negative...
sonicdrumm80: More like totally realistic, women aren't like men at all, if she has no appreciation for that game, she will resent the game because she wanted to spend time with you i.e. have sex. You better not fuck this up again or you'll be playing legend of zelda with your other girfriend (Palmela Handerson) and never get to feel that awesome vagina hug your dick. Be a man and treat her with some respect. She's going to add it to the list of things she hates about you and the next fight you have those things will all come up.
| 4 | 56.5 | |
1380070537 | 1380080503 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU by going for an ATV ride by myself
I'll start by saying that I'm in high school, and am just old enough to legally ride the quads that I've been riding for a few years already. So today I was out riding my quad by myself through a field by my house. It was ideal weather, nice and warm and sunny, and I was having a blast. I was riding through some pretty tall grass, making sure to check for rocks. At one point I was standing up on the quad, and I saw what I thought looked like a boulder just up ahead, so I lean forward a bit and slowed down to get a closer look, to make sure I don't hit it.
**BAM.**
I open my eyes, I'm laying on the ground and in pain all throughout my upper body. There's cuts all over my hands and a huge scrape across my stomach. The quad has shut off by itself, and is on it's side. I get up onto my knees and stretch out my arms to make sure I didn't break anything. I waited for a few minutes just for my adrenaline level to go down so I could examine the situation, and then I stand up. I take off my gear, and find a crack in the visor of my helmet. I look around to see what happened, and I'm still not entirely sure, but my best guess is that while I was looking ahead at what I thought was a boulder, I hit a big rock that I didn't see and it tipped the quad, but I was going just fast enough that I didn't fall off, I was rather launched off the quad.
So now I'm in a bit of a pickle, I can't flip the quad back over by myself (It's on of [these](http://image.made-in-china.com/2f0j00RvAQeZoKkbqV/EEC-500CC-Utility-ATV-500CC-ATV-Quad-Fpa500e-3-.jpg) bad boys, so it's too heavy) I'm a few miles away from home, I live on an acreage so there isn't much for civilization anywhere close except for some cows, and get this, my phone was dead. That's right, I was stupid enough to go out riding by myself with an almost dead phone. So I do the only logical thing, start walking. I trek my way through the thistles and weeds to the road, and start trudging my way back. Bear in mind that I've just been launched off my ATV so my shirt is ripped up the side, theres a huge scrape that the rip is revealing, and theres several minor cuts on my hands so they're all bloody.
I've been walking for a while, when I see a truck (the only vehicle I saw on the entire trek) coming my way.
*oh yes thank you Jesus I can wave him down and maybe he'll let me use his phone*
Nope. He turns onto another road before he even sees me. So I finally get back home after a long, long, hot, and thirsty walk. And as I walk in I'm greeted by my mom. She looks at me with a sort of shocked expression, and I say the only thing that comes to my mind.
*yeah, there's a bit of a problem with the quad, and I walked back*
I tell her the story and she starts the typical mom stuff
*oh sweetie you could've gotten so hurt! are you sure you didn't break anything? I knew I shouldn't have let you go! Does your head hurt? are those cuts infected? how long were you walking? are you sure you didn't hit your head? you must be thirsty!*
At least she cares about me. So I phone my dad and I tell him what happened, he thinks it's pretty cool (or so he says). So when my dad gets home we go back in my truck to where the quad is tipped, and we push it over right side up. We examined the body, and here's the verdict:
The frame is completely bent, it's unrepairable. The quad is under insurance and my dad isn't mad at all since he was looking into getting rid of it anyway, but still I feel like a major moron. I've been riding ATV's since I was four, and I was paying little enough attention to not notice the massive freaking boulder that I hit. Not only that, but I hit it hard enough to bend the flippin frame. I know I should be glad that I walked away, because I know it could have been way worse, but still. I just feel stupid more than anything.
doubleTbre: I went camping with a few friends as a senior trip and we had ONE rule to never go off alone. Well this dumb girl that hung around with us wanted to be like one of the bros took an ATV and rode off by herself. Much later we stumble upon half of an ATV, a broken tree and the girl crying because her leg hurts and she couldn't get her helmet off. She ended up getting about 17 stitches in her knee and to my joy left the trip a day early.
[deleted]: Yeah, I guess it's better to learn the hard way than not at all
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1380077236 | 1380087720 | null | t5_2to41 | 62 | jennyfc92: TIFU when I accidentally used a turn of phrase in bad taste
My roommate, who over the summer broke up with her boyfriend of almost 3 years, came back in tears talking about suicide. I got texts from my friends saying that they were worried about her and said she had told them things like *"everyone would be better off without me"* and *"I'm going to jump off a building"*. So me, not being one to handle these situations well, decided to call the professionals. I contacted the resident assistant for our apartment complex (owned by the college) and he brought an officer with him. They talked to her and were able to calm her down a bit.
About an hour or so later I go in there to see how she's doing and they're just casually chatting, trying to take her mind off things while one of the school's psychologists comes to talk to her and set up an appointment. She's talking about all the assignments that she has to do in the upcoming week and how she's taking 19 credits this semester. I, not really remembering the situation that was at hand, casually say *"Man, if I had that much work to do I'd kill myself"*...
Let's just say it was awkward to say the least.
CapgrasX13: Haha, damn. That's about the worst possible thing you could have said. Are you still friends with these people?
jennyfc92: this was just sunday, so...hopefully? I dunno. Our friends laughed about it :P She unfriended everyone on Facebook, but I think that has more to do with the psychologist and less from what I said
| 3 | 20.666667 | |
1380084760 | 1380125384 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,359 | vikingnurse: TIFU a lot of times by teaching my parrot how to speak
So, I have had this amazing African Grey for the last 8 years. He has a vocabulary of over 150 words, and is capable of forming random sentences and shit.
Anyway, here are a few fuckups following his ability to speak, and both my hobby of teaching him as well as my friend´s hobby of teaching him the most foul things.
1. We´re at a café. Sesar (that´s his name) hates women and has always done. Cute little waitress walks to our table, brings me a coffee and Sesar a bowl of fruits (didn´t ask her for it even).
Girl: Awwww what a cute little guy^^ Does he speak?
Sesar: - Shut up!
Girl: wow, that´s some beak he got there?
Sesar: fuck off! Get out you twat! Slut... (NB: not me who tought him the misogynistic thingies)
Girl: ehh...right?
Sesar: Yeah, shove it! Now fuck off...dog..*barks at her*
A few minutes later with the poor waitress bursting out in tears out of laughter, we were approached by the manager who said she had had some complaints from elderly people and people with young kids. We had to sit outside. Sesar´s reaction? Hysterical laughter all the way out. Me? Shamed and shamed and shamed for appearing to be a terrible owner, as he speaks in my exact voice...
2. Sometimes when I teach him new stuff, he confuses the words. A few years ago, I wanted to teach him how to say "help, i´ve been turned into a parrot!"... Oh well, that didn´t go better than the fact that he only learned how to shout "heeeeeelp!"
A few days later: Sesar is practicing his new vocabulary in an extraordinarily manner. I mean really loud. I hear a knock on my door and something like "this is the police! Are you allright in there?" is called from the other side of the door.
I open the door with a large "WTF" on my face and they told me a concerned neighbour heard someone shouting for help from my apartment. Then a loud "HEEEEEEELP!!" is heard from the living room. Cops rush there, see featherball on his stick laughing hysterically. Cops went silent for a second, then joined sesar in hysterical laughter. Parrot and cops became best friends and we ended up having a coffee and chatting about how this was one of their funniest incidents to date.
3. Driving with Sesar in the passenger seat on our way to get some burgers and go to my parent´s for a visit. Had had a party the weekend before where apparently he was tought some very bad habits by my friends.
I order my food in the drive-thru, forget about the ball of feathers in the front seat and listen to music while I wait. All of a sudden I see that 4-5 staff members are gathered at the window, looking at Sesar. Sesar, silent until then, decides to put on public display his newly learnt vocabulary.... Examples:
- *moans in a male voice, then moans as a female, then in the end moans a manly "ahhhhhhhhhh" *
- (in a female voice)*stop it! You´re being aggressive! (you´re being aggressive = sesar´s version of saying you´re nice... Icelandic: þú ert ágætur(nice), sesar´s version: þú ert ágengur(aggressive)
...*silence*...(male voice): come on! Lemmeshag!...*moans manly*
- Get... the... F****...OUT!....C***...dog...
- PENISPENISPENISPENISPENIS!!!....*hysterical laughter ensues*
Needless to say, I got shamed by my own parrot.
This is not counting the times he has said other girl´s names if i´m having a girl over, cursing my grandparents, scolding my little nephew and teaching him bad words, biting my brother´s dog´s tail and nose etc etc etc
tl;dr: Parrots are dicks.
Photo: http://i.imgur.com/RsalDF2.jpg - us on ITLAPD 2013
EDIT:
Videos of the fucker (also in comments):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azBUBV00EF4 in a good mood
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cRUc14diJUY
-sorry for no subtitles. Only in Icelandic
EDIT 2:
If you find this funny and want one, please don´t just because they speak. He´s extremely hilarious and has been the brightest point in my life for the last 8 years, but CAGs (as well as other parrots) are extremely demanding pets who deserve a LOT of time caring for them, attention, training and such. I´ve never had a problem with him thankfully, but after i started working shifts full-time (I´m an emergency RN) he developed some problems. Also, I had to move across the globe to do my Master´s and it´s affecting him seriously. So please read a LOT about those guys before you think about getting one. This is a huge commitment and a long term one, as these guys live normally for 40-60 years. More than happy to answer any questions in PM.
EDIT 3 (for the lulz)
More examples of his behavioral shenanigans (conditioned, i presume):
- always when someone opens up or drinks something for a can, Sesar burps violently.
- if someone farts around him, Sesar has been conditioned to say either "good boy" or laugh hysterically
- he also does the cutest things (non-vulgar ones): Examples would be saying "wannacuddle?" and rub his beak on your fingers, "gimmeakiss" and rub his beak up to someone´s mouth (normally mine... during puberty he was a dick and did this and bit my lower lip in half)....
- he gets extremely horny after I take a shower. If I don´t take him into the shower with me, I´m rewarded with him trying to shag my hand when I get out of the shower
BoulderCat: My 2 year old daughter does the same thing. She likes to yell SHIT! and FUCK! when we are out in public.
TheBiles: Solid parenting, bro.
BoulderCat: Like you've never yelled SHIT in Wal-Mart. Pssshhh
MrRedSeedless: I've only yelled out SHIT! Because someone dropped a pile on the floor.
Bandit6789: So every time you go to walmart then
CuntSnatcheroo: Every other time, actually
| 7 | 194.142857 | |
1380076729 | 1380145512 | null | t5_2to41 | 1 | Nuke-The-Whales: TIFU by leaving naked pictures on my phone
So I frequently send the guy I'm seeing naked/other sexual pictures. I took a few last night and sent them, and forgot to delete them off my phone.
I went to class this morning and a guy at my table asked to see my phone. Thinking nothing of it, I say "sure!" and slide it over to him. Not 10 seconds later does my heart stop: OH FUCK, I didn't delete the pictures.
My phone is touch, and the "Camera Album" folder is right at the front so it's easy to click.
The guy had my phone for a solid 3 minutes, then gave it back. Turns out he put his number in it . . . Not sure if that is because we are classmates, or he saw the naked pictures.
Either way, I fucked up.
wildwafle: And this is why i ALWAYS go through girls pictures. I've found so many gems
NobodySpecific: You go through pictures on other people's phones and/or computers? If so, you're a disrespectful, privacy-invading bag of dicks.
wildwafle: K
| 4 | 0.25 | |
1380111788 | 1380118282 | null | t5_2to41 | 464 | ThePlayfulPython: TIFU by wanting to keep my hair dry.
I woke up this morning to an abundance of rain.
Oh well, the show must go on, so I do my hair and hope for the best. My hair is an excess of frizz, fluff and curls. A flat iron and products are my best friends.
Finish up the coffee and am ready to head out the door (still pouring buckets) when I realize my umbrella is in the car. Not a problem, I can fix this. Go back to the bathroom and get one of those little bathroom sized trash bags, and proceed to put it on top of my head. Hmm… there’s some hair still sticking out, so I pull it down further and poke out eye holes. Success! HA! Fuck you mother nature – I win!
Go down to the car and the family across the street is getting their kids in the car. I wave, knowing I look like an idiot. They just stare at me – they don’t even wave back. They just keep staring at me – even as I get in the car. I don’t think much of it. At that point I’m not thinking much of anything because my coffee hasn’t kicked in and I’m wondering if I can remember how to operate my car.
Anyway, I start driving to work and about halfway there I realize that I have indeed fucked up. Mostly because the trash bag on my head was white, had a point at the top and eyeholes poked out, and that the family across the street is black.
Tl;dr: I wanted to keep my hair dry, and now my neighbors think I’m a member of the KKK.
reise_reise: Holy shit, I haven't laughed that hard in a while
ThePlayfulPython: Happy to help!
| 3 | 154.666667 | |
1380118355 | 1381059930 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU by crashing a college server used for computing
It is my third day here. I tried to compute 99999999999999! and watched the kernel run out of memory while curiously observing. Yes, a sysadmin had to be called. Yes, I'm an idiot.
regt123: wut
sirkyle: 99999999999999! is also known as the factorial of 99999999999999, which basically means 99999999999999x99999999999998x99999999999997...etc. until the number reaches one. So it's no wonder that it crashed the server.
TheBanger: I think you mean until it reaches 1, otherwise it's trivial.
sirkyle: Whoops, my bad.
| 5 | 4.4 | |
1380093639 | 1380560752 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | crustonblack: TIFU by not realising I was meant to be on a date
A while back my friend's gf started talking about setting me up with one of her friends. I honestly don't enjoy those types of situations, but I appreciated the sentiment. While I was really drunk, she asked something along the lines of going out for drinks with some people. There was probably some subtext or words or something that drunken me completely missed, but never being the one to turn down an opportunity to get drunk, I agreed.
Day and night before I go to my friend’s house and take a bunch of acid then crash there. The next day I drive over to pick them all up, notice from a distance there is an extra head. I get closer and also notice they are all pretty well dressed up, friend is wearing a collared shirt and the two girls are in dresses. I’m still wearing the same thing that I took acid in, a denim jacket with a bunch of hardcore/grind/crust patches on it hoody underneath, torn jeans and a pair of shitty vans. I’m listening to thrash pretty loud and smoking a cigarette.
I had to move empty beer bottles off the back seat to make room for everyone. I figure no one else likes thrash, so I let my friend choose music from my ipod and he accidently puts on some grindcore. My friends gf gives me a noticeable dissenting look. While I like her a lot and consider her a pretty good friend, both my friend and gf is not at all into the punk thing. Both her and her friend go to a fashion college, very status, image and health conscious.
I find out later we ended up going to a different bar, because of how I was dressed. My friend directly tells me that I was being set up with her. I had been pretty oblivious till then. I then proceeded to get a little too drunk and began singing power metal songs. I, at least, ended up having a pretty good time, but I don’t think the girl ever got over her first impression of me. This was probably fair enough, because it was a fairly accurate representation of me. She had obviously put time into her makeup, and I hadn’t even showered. Pretty different. Even at the time I thought the situation was pretty amusing. Friends gf was pretty annoyed with me though.
mark0210: ...are you me?
Also, got a pic of the jean jacket?
niggaliggski: I too would like to see this jacket
| 3 | 8 | |
1380128601 | 1380134311 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | gindy39: TIFU, by going to the bathroom at work
I work at a government facility, and bathrooms are for employees and visitors alike. After lunch I went to the bathroom, I go sit in and I see this shadow on the wall coming from the guy on the next toilet. So I see the shadow and is a arm moving very fast, at first I though : this guy is f***ing up his butt cause that is so fast only to see that in the next 5 sec it was still moving and this time faster. I said to myself "this could not be it, nooo , hell no, who would do that here", but yes indeed it was. The f***er next to me was chocking his chicken and after a while he started to give sound effects and wiggle his foot and sometimes even cross into my side... It was the most disturbing dump I have taken in all my 28 years. F***ing sick bastard
a_davis: I'm almost positive that was me. Sorry for making your boat groom experience a little worse than desired
Edit: sorry I meant bathroom. But boat groom works I suppose
gindy39: lol, pretty sure it wasn't you jajjja.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1380137676 | 1380200630 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | wolfsniper27: TIFU bu touching a soldering iron
So most soldering irons have a little LED light that indicates when it is on. mine included, but i also bought mine at a yard sale. so the indicator light doesnt work, i have no way of knowing if it is actually on, and so i was about to do some soldering today and instead of checking if if it was on by melting some solder, i touched it. i dont mean like a (boop!) "Ow! thats hot!" i mean like pushing a button. as in (touch. hold. hold.) "GOD DAMN MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!" i shouted every curse i know and then some, the end.
EDIT: By*
Spyder_V: Man, that's painful! I lost my fingerprints on three fingers for several months by doing the same thing in the 8th grade.
wolfsniper27: jeez!! on the bright side, you would have been able to commit the perfect crime, lol. any tips on making the swelling go down?
Spyder_V: Mine didn't really swell. I grabbed the iron on the metal to pick it up, so it only made my fingers blister.
I placed my hand in warm water and slowly cooled it until some of the pain went away. Generally, ice helps with swelling, but I would probably also go for some burn ointment.
courtoftheair: No ice. It can give you frostbite really easily. Cold water for about an hour is what you should do.
Spyder_V: This guy knows what he's talking about ^
I seriously do not...
courtoftheair: But... but I'm a lady!
Spyder_V: Hrm... This gal knows what she's doing!^
(Seriously, I considered the possibility of this last night and my 50/50 guess was wrong. Good thing I'm not a betting man.)
| 8 | 3.125 | |
1380142513 | 1380203939 | null | t5_2to41 | 844 | AuchnotOuch: TIFU by losing a few inches.
**See photos below**
First off, let me say to never try this unless you do your research thoroughly. I thought I had, but obviously not:
So this happened over the weekend, and my partner told me to share it.
I had to go to a political science convention in a major city in Texas, and I had been struggling with my weight because of some new medication I had been prescribed for my depression. Unsatisfied with my size, and not being able to fit into my suit jacket properly, I turned to the internet for tips to lose a few inches for a day. I came upon an article that explained how models use duct tape to lose a few inches around their waist for photo shoots. I told myself that I could handle that for a day, a day in the heat of Texas, and feel confident about my appearance in front of Texas representatives and a Senator. Here's how my day went:
4am- Took a shower and wrapped my waist in duct tape. I was feeling generous so I used a whole roll of duct tape.
5am: Forced to use absolute proper posture, I gallantly floated to my car and held my breath to sit and drive to campus.
6am: Carpooled with my Political Science advisor and another student. Sat in the back with perfect posture and short breaths for a 4 hour drive.
930am: Convention starts and I am feeling great, and I am complimented on my appearance by some the students.
10am: First speaking panel begins. At this point, I can feel my chest tighten, and the room gets hotter, but no biggie.
1100pm: First panel ends, and I have to go to the bathroom. It was quite the challenge. I had the most perfect posture for any shitting session in existence.
1130pm: Lunch begins and I am sitting with other students from other universities across the state. I start seeing stars, but control my breathing. Everything is still okay.
1230pm: Second panel starts with the Senator speaking. At this point, there is a layer of sweat wanting to escape from underneath my duct tape girdle, but cannot due to the concrete stay of the tape. I adjust my sitting position and feel a sharp pain in my side; my skin tore. I started panicking, but kept my breathing in check and bit my cheek to help keep the pain at bay.
130pm: Senator's panel ends, and I go for a meet and greet. At this point I am sure I look like I had a stick up my ass, but I push through wanting to meet the Senator. After the meet and greet, I decide to go to the bathroom again. As soon as I sit down on the toilet, I can hear my skin, combined with the noise of the duct tape, tear. It hurt like a little bitch.
230pm: Third panel starts. I am sitting next to the guy that came with me, and I start to see stars again. No ounce of effort puts my dizziness and light-headedness at bay, so I struggle to a standing position, tell my partner I'm not feeling well, and head back to the bathroom.
245-315pm: I completely undress myself in the stall, choosing to rip off the duct tape as a last resort. I didn't want to have to bear the excruciating pain of duct tape being removed from my waist, especially my happy trail hair. I use this time to air out my whole body, and try and relax. But to my dismay, the pain of blistering and the uncomfortableness of not being able to breath properly, I decided it was time to remove it.
315-430pm: I slowly wedge my fingers through the girdle, biting my tie to take the pain. It smelled horrible and was drenched in sweat. I find the end of the duct tape and start pulling off. It was easy unwrapping the layered bits, but when I got to the tape on skin part, I was so much in pain, I almost passed out. It took me a good 45 mins to remove most of it, but it got so unbearable, I sat on the toilet seat for a breather. At this point most of my skin was exposed, so breathing was back to normal. My mistake in taking a break was exemplified when I didn't realize I had some duct tape hanging low enough to be in view. Some guy walked in, saw it, and freaked out. Hoping I wouldn't get shot for appearing to use duct tape to strap myself with weaponry, I hastily removed the final bits of tape. This was my second mistake in the stall. I thought using my own spit would help ease it off, and I took a leap of faith by ripping it all off in one pull. *KSHRETK.* I successfully removed all the duct tape, but unfortunately ripped off a good 6 inches of skin. I swayed until I leaned up against the wall, trying my hardest to stay conscious. I don't think I had ever experienced such pain in my life before. I was bawling my eyes out, and biting my tie as hard as I could. After like 15 minutes, I took a deep breath and put my clothes back on, which was painful as fuck since my shirt rubbed against my exposed sub-dermal skin as well as numerous blisters through out my stomach. Luckily, it turned out that the guy that walked in was the guy who came with us, thank god, and returned with my teacher. I embarrassingly explained to them what happened and they couldn't contain their laughter.
430-8pm: The ride home was complete silence, with the occasional glance in the rear view mirror, followed by a cackle.
**tl;dr** Duct tape really can be used for anything, even weight loss.
**EDIT** [Here are two photos so you can see the damage. It doesn't look so bad, but trust me, it hurts like a bitch.](http://imgur.com/YGUabqK,r5uU66X)
**EDIT2** Yo guys, I am not stupid. I understand the healthy way to do this is to workout and eat right. That is what I have been doing. The reason for my stupid decision is I had ordered a suit jacket from amazon. It arrived late, the evening before the convention, and was the wrong size. There was nothing I could do.
**EDIT3** Yo guys, I am stupid.
thecrikster: Should have used cling film/serang wrap
AuchnotOuch: I considered it, but it would sound like I was wearing a diaper.
[deleted]: ace bandages are your friend if you want to try it again..
ARoguePumpkin: Ace bandages can suffocate people who wear them like that.
Daveezie: Are you telling me duct tape can't?
eallan: Maybe they constrict/compress after application whereas duct tape does not?
| 7 | 120.571429 | |
1380148701 | 1380171550 | null | t5_2to41 | 42 | ParanoidPolly: TIFU overreacting and screaming "OMG" while stripping
I'll make this short because no one likes to read rambling.
Here's what basically JUST happened. . .
I had just left the wifi cafe I go to whenever I want to download a ton of movies & music without going over my own data plan with my ISP. On the way back to my apartment, I kept scratching my butt and legs, but I didn't think anything of it as my skin tends to get irritated when I ride my moped in humid weather and I figured my butt was probably just sweating.
Well, once I reach my place, I lift up my moped's trunk and, to my horror, seemingly THOUSANDS of tiny spider/ant looking fuckers were crawling in the inside of my scooter. Then, I noticed my seat was also crawling with those bugs. Hesitantly, I look down --not really wanting to find out the truth. To my dismay, my fears were confirmed. It was then that I realized the itchiness had not been caused by the humid weather; there were bugs all over my legs.
Like a maniac, I scream out "OH. MY. GAWWWWD" and begin ripping my clothes off right then and there in the parking lot not giving a damn that my neighbors were right there, staring at me with "WTF" faces. I slammed the trunk closed and took off as if I were being chased all the way inside my apartment while yelping "Omg bugs!" and stripping down.
Once inside, I took a shower and started cleaning and doing laundry. I can't stop itching like crazy and I still feel like the bugs are on me. In hindsight, I realize I kind've overreacted and my neighbors must think I'm on drugs. Granted, my past eccentric behavior probably already had them suspicious, but I'm sure they are now thinking "I KNEW THAT BITCH WAS CRAZY".
I don't know about you readers, but I would rather be shitted on than have bugs crawl on me. I am actually typing this butt naked because I cannot stand wearing clothes right now. I am probably going to take another shower.
FML.
niggalodeon15: pics or it didnt happen.
ParanoidPolly: Lol@Username.
I am guessing you mean pictures of the bugs. I would take pictures of the inside of my scooter, but it's dark now. Plus, I don't think I could handle seeing them crawling all over again. I don't know what I'm going to do for transportation or about the things that are inside of my scooter.
On a sidenote, I am wearing clothes now. whew.
niggalodeon15: pics of everything that "happened" or it didn't happen
ParanoidPolly: I am getting my roommate to get me some bug spray after work. I will see if I can get pix when I spray it down. Thank god they aren't flying bugs or I probably would never be able to drive again.
niggalodeon15: I hate bugs espacially the flying ones and spiders
| 6 | 7 | |
1380165950 | 1380379429 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | bmward105: TIFU: by letting my new gf meet my great grandma. (Warning: long one)
Well, I have a new girlfriend. Her name is Caitlyn.
I live at home with my mom, grandma and great grandma (so much estrogen). Anyway, my great grandma broke her femur a while back and can't walk. We don't leve her alone for extended periods of time.
Start the story!
Alright, so Caitlyn and I grab some coffee after class when my grandma calls me. She tells me she had to leave my great grandma. Now that means I need to get home, but not in any particular rush. So I offer to drive Caitlin home before I head to the homestead. She says it's fine and that we can chill at my house (awesome). So we get to the house and walk in to meet my great grandma. She's 93 and weighs about that much. She has a pretty bad memory and sometimes calls me Dennis (my dead uncle, not me).
So we walk in and she says "hello Ben, who is this?" And I say "mamaw this is Caitlyn." Caitlyn says hi and then my great grandma turns to me and says "wasnt her name Rachel the other day?"
Fuck.
"What? No. You've never met Caitlyn."
Cue Caitlyn, after pulling me aside: "who the fuck is Rachel?"
Now I have no idea what to say, because I don't know of any Rachels that have been in my house. So I say the first thing that comes to my mind:
Cue the fuck up
"My other girlfriend."
Now it would be easy to read sarcasm into a comment like this, but my tone was not sarcastic and accidentally sounded quite serious.
She didn't say much else the rest of the day. I tried to explain, but she didn't believe me. It also happens that I know a Rachel from another class and she hits on me a lot, so when I handed Caitlyn my phone to show my monogomy, Rachel decides it is the best time to text me and say "what's up big dick? Wanna fuck tonight?"
Rachel is joking, but put into context, I can see how Caitlyn construed the whole situation.
Unfortunately for me, Rachel was kidding, because now I'm single :(
**TL;DR gf meets great grandma. Great grandma calls her another name. Person with the same name texts me a R-rated message moment later.
EDIT: Caitlyn and I talked last night. Things are looking better. She's actually going to meet this Rachel and see just how not serious this is. So far everything is getting less fuckedupish.
Hefbit: Great story, man. Can't say I've been in the same situation but when you screw around with your ex wifes younger sister (we were married at the time) few things can top that **oh shit oh shit** feeling when she catches you in the act.
bmward105: See but I didn't actually do anything...
Hefbit: True, just wanted to throw that out there. I was terrible in my early twenties.
bmward105: Again, I blame my mother for beating morality into me.
Hefbit: I had a friend growing up whose mother would clean the house while singing hymns to herself. Before school when I would go over to his house in the morning she would read him a Bible passage before we departed. It was really odd to me.
bmward105: My mom just hit me... Thank god...
| 7 | 3.142857 | |
1380158127 | 1380207310 | null | t5_2to41 | 74 | Coco_Bowling: TIFU by trying to get a snack before the commercial break ended
This actually happened last night so I guess it's more like LNIFU. Anyway, I was watching TV, being generally lazy after putting the kids to bed and decided that during the next commercial break I'd go get my nightly snack. So the commercial comes on and I decide to try and pull a Risky Business slide across the kitchen floor because hey, that's always fun, right? So I go into my slide like a pro, arm outstretched to grasp the cabinet knob as it comes into range and successfully open the cabinet door in one fluid movement. I remember opening the cabinet with my left hand, reaching in with my right hand to grab the delicious fiber brownie goodness, and then I remember a feeling of euphoria and being very comfortable, like I'm laying on clouds. So I open my eyes and I'm staring at the ceiling, having somehow ended up on the kitchen floor. I realize at that point my nose and big toe are throbbing painfully and I kind of start to panic.
What I imagine happened was, upon completion of my Risky slide, I stubbed my toe on the underside of the dishwasher, bent forward in exclamation directly into the cabinet door I'm opening with gusto and knocked the bridge of my nose in a violent manner and collapse upon impact. That's the only logical conclusion I could come up with, so I stagger up, gather my snack, and shamefully wander back to the couch after realizing I was KOd by the kitchen cabinet. The commercials are still playing so I was only out for a few seconds at most.
**TL;DR:** Kitchen cabinet likes fiber brownies, fights me for it, I lose by KO.
Dark_sunrise: DVR = pause button
Nannigans15: Not everyone owns a DVR.
TheHydrogenator: What is this the 80's?
| 4 | 18.5 | |
1380165766 | 1380205264 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | MissD6: TIFU by talking to the teacher after the class
She's a musician and I'd like to get back into singing/choir, so I stayed after class to get some advice on the matter. A few minutes of chitchat later, her TA shows up, and I gather they have some kind of meeting scheduled so I try to leave, but she includes him (let's call him A) in the conversation. At some point in the conversation, the teacher mentions that I'm a bit quieter/more mature than the others. This conversation unfolds.
Me: "I don't know, I'm 4 years older than the girls I hang out with, maybe that has something to do with it. I feel ooold ~" (I was, of course, kidding, and it was very obvious).
A: "Oh yeah, definitely. You're sooo mature, right?"
He has this kind of... I don't know, kidding/not kidding tone that I just can't figure out. So I just don't mind it and continue, trying to justify myself.
Me: "Not at all. It's normal that we're not all on the same page, after all. Sometimes I just don't feel like I'm living the same reality, but the same goes for them, I guess. At times I just nod and smile, listening to them, because I have nothing pertinent to say."
A: "Oh, so you just shut up and judge them, is that it?"
At that point I have no idea how to react. Seeing how I'm confused, taken aback by his comment, he insists that it's a joke. But the thing is, I did not mean what I said as something mean, just that it's normal that I don't relate THAT much with a daddy's girl that has her studies paid and still lives with her parents and sisters, while I live in an appartment with my boyfriend and mostly pay my own stuff. Of course maybe I was a bit clumsy in the way I said it, I don't know, but I suddenly left the class, just saying a quick "bye".
And now I feel like a condescending prick. I haven't stopped thinking about it since noon.
TL;DR: I wanted to talk to my musician teacher about some singing classes, ended up being accused by a TA of being 'soo mature' and of looking down on my peers.
[deleted]: After being invited to dine at a public table, the sophist Hecataeus was criticized for failing to utter a single word during the entire meal. Archidamidas answered in his defense, "He who knows how to speak, knows also when.
Those who speak do not know, those who know do not speak. -Lao Tsu
There's no reason to be upset about this, perception is judgement. Sounds like he was trying to judge and condescend you. Don't be ashamed of who you are or how you live unless it's uselessly self destructive. Definitely don't be ashamed by the words of those less than yourself.
MissD6: Thanks! It helped to sleep on it too. But your reply is just what I needed to start this day on the right foot!
[deleted]: Ha! I'm the same way. Good stuff! http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laconic_phrase
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1380171751 | 1380179974 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | sherwood_bosco: TIFU by reading a banned book in school.
So my school is fairly lenient on books and banned books, however today I managed to find one out of the VERY short list entirely by accident(By being caught reading it). Now I go to a public highschool in CO and this specific book was one that would cause quite a shock,
"The Anarchist's Cookbook"
****It's worth saying at this point that I entertained ABSOLUTELY NO THOUGHTS/DREAMS/ETC. of using anything I found in this book, my curiosity was purely academic.****
Specifically I got this book in e-book form and was reading it on my phone in the class I TA for just at the end of class. So when the teacher asked me what I was reading I made up a BS answer by saying it was an interesting supplemental to my H chemistry class that I found online(Technically true). But when i set my phone on my lap to pack up my stuff she saw the cover page and pulled me into her office for a quick chat. Being the good student I am she agreed to keep this between me, the dean of students, and her.
So after missing my next class (AP statistics) for a chat with the dean, a woman who I'm well acquainted with for good reasons, she let me off due to my interest being purely academic. After all, I'm principle trumpet in Symphonic band, solo trumpet in the highest jazz band, taking 3 AP classes, and the rest are honors, that seemed highly believable to her. Especially after last year I got 3rd degree burns on my arm from a homemade bottle rocket(Obviously wasn't thinking there, but my curiosity gets the best of me a lot).
ShellReaver: How the fuck is banning books okay?
sherwood_bosco: "The Anarchist's Cookbook" is a reasonable ban due to its content being things like step by step guides of things that are probably not legal, like 'Article 8: how to make plastic explosives from bleach' and 'Thermite and it's destructive uses' and 'Napalm lightbulb bomb'. These few books on the list are generally to the effect of the book I was caught reading.
ShellReaver: Well, I understand how morally it could be used for ill purposes, but banning knowledge in any form is not okay.
sherwood_bosco: I feel you there, it's wrong, but going to a high school within a stones throw of Columbine, my school tries its very hardest to keep students safe, not quite verging on totalitarian but getting there. The Dean's reasoning (was complete bull shit) was that by making the knowledge available to students they may as well be teaching it (not something my school wants to do).
It's also worth stating that they ban it from school property only. The book can't get you in trouble if it isn't on school grounds (Kinda makes the rule pointless...). So they're not saying that you can't own it, just that you can't take it to school. The stupidity of the policy knows no bounds (and also only applies to students)
So I can understand their rationale for banning these extreme few books, but agree that censorship is wrong, unfortunately also the lesser of two evils. there's sever sections entitled 'Hate school? Try this....' That list off ways of disrupting schools for hours-weeks, thus disrupting everyone else's learning. Which is like censorship in another form.
Metroidzoid: Glad this whole thing didn't turn into a clusterfuck. You didn't fuck up; you certainly weren't bringing a physical copy of the Cookbook to class for sharing, and while their rules could be interpreted as such, they are also equally vague.
Also, I can see the emotion behind your Dean's reasoning, and Columbine was certainly an unfortunate incident, but that kind of behavior isn't contagious; the distance from disaster should not determine what does and does not violate our freedoms, and a lot of high schools (especially the public ones) do not always have their students rights in mind when making rules.
Like I said, glad this came out okay, but don't be afraid to stand up for your rights if this ever rears it's ugly head again.
| 6 | 3.166667 | |
1380172767 | 1380173243 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | cking137: TIFU by lurking my ex-gf's Facebook page
We broke up two months ago, and it was not a good break up... It was a long distance relationship but I loved her with all my heart and believed when she said she was in for the long haul. Then she cheated on me and started a relationship with the new guy.
For some reason I have tried to keep a friendship with her. I still love her and I hate the idea of totally losing her from my life. For some stupid reason I looked at her Facebook page to see a message about her bf buying her dinner and how he is the "best bf ever" and that she loves him. I had been doing ok...but now I feel sick. She is all happy and I am alone and sad. It was really really stupid and I am back to square one with the break up. So...TIFU!
dobtoronto: Well, you aren't back at square one. You've made great progress in these two months.
Since you said TIFU, you don't need to be told not to lurk on her page.
Good luck.
cking137: Thank you, I appreciate that! I will definitely not do it again.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1380190960 | 1380235868 | null | t5_2to41 | 262 | itwonthappentome: I never thought it would happen to me... but TIFU.
This all started about 3 weeks ago, with a visit to the dentist. My lower wisdom tooth was causing problems, so after an initial consult, they booked me in to have it, and another removed. They advised that I should be sedated, but it was my choice. I declined as I didn't want to inconvenience anyone by having them drive me to the appointment - big mistake!
They were removed on Monday about lunch time. The amount of pain I experienced as soon as the numbing injections wore off was the worst I have ever experienced. I scurried to the nearest pharmacy to get my prescribed drugs, immediately sunk two 40mg codine, and with a death grip on the wheel I got home and collapsed on the couch for the rest of the afternoon. Codine makes you very sleepy, which is great, as I wasn't up to facing the world anyway.
The next few days were more of the same, Tues - codine, soup, sleep and repeat. Wed - codine, soup and bit of bread, sleep and repeat. By Thursday, I was eating almost normally and had managed to cut down my worrying dependency on codine to just night time, so I decided I should go back to work.
I work casually for an agricultural company, collecting soil samples, when I'm not working on our own farm. I was overdue to collect samples 1.5 hours away, at two different locations, so I set off.
I wandered thru the first few fields collecting samples, enjoying myself immensely, it was a beautiful sunny day, warm but not hot, just perfect, and after being stuck on the couch for 2.5 days it was just what I felt like.
I got to the 5th field, and felt a pressure on my sphincter. I ignored the pressure for a bit, but it got worse. The pressure built and built. All of a sudden, a flash back "Codine may cause constipation." "OMG the last time I had a poo? When was it? I haven't had one since before Monday!!! This is not going to be good!"
I begin to run thru my options, making it to the car was out of the question, too far away. I spy a woolshed, as a was on a dairy farm it was a safe bet it had long been deserted. I hurry over there hoping for some kind of toilet, as this stage I wasn't being fussy, I long drop would have seemed luxurious. No such luck, no holes in the ground anywhere. I look around the abandoned sheep yards, and find myself in a wee thicket of overgrown woody weeds, thick enough that barring close inspection, I should be out of sight while dealing with my codine consequence. There was also a handy patch of dock leaves there.
I down pants and begin to bear down. I was thinking since it had been awhile since my previous number 2, it would be pooping of the explosive diarrhea kind. Boy was I wrong.
It was diamond hard, it was huge, it was chodelike. Much, much, much bearing down had only just got a wee point out. My legs were getting sore from squatting - I started hearing cars on the nearby roads, and thinking they were on the farm approaching me.
Things had to hurry along! I starting thinking outside the square... "A dock leave glove over my finger to somehow wedge it out?" No it was shy and kept going back in. Thighs getting really sore... "Ok shuffle over to that broken rail with pants down and wee point hanging out and sit on broken rail for some much needed added stability. That's better, ok well there's not help for it, bearing down and forcing it out is really the only option open to us."
With tears in my eyes, and a tear in my sphincter I bore down with the strength I possessed in that area. The pain, the pain, worse that the wisdom teeth removal, by a long shot. So bad reddit, so bad.
But eventually it moved, then slid, ever so slowly and painfully out. It was massive 5cm in diameter at least, all the way down its 15cm length. It was lumpy, it had a bits of corn and it was bloody. It was followed by little diamond hard nuggets.
I cleaned myself up as best as I could with the dock leaves, and I carried on with my day, promising myself to never again take that much codine ever.
I don't know if I'll ever be the same.
Sir_Dude: At least you were able to carry on with your day. Most people on here need to go home and change, or can never look a witness in the eye again.
noodlehoodlum: I'm staying to think maybe this sub-reddit should be called today my asshole failed me
itwonthappentome: I thought I was so much better than you all last week.
Hefbit: I hope I don't find myself fucking up. Wait - maybe hoping is the initial cause which leads one to eventually write an article on TIFU. Oh no.
| 5 | 52.4 | |
1380156650 | 1380549994 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | corny_keg: TIFU by engaging in conversation with a blind guy
I am always super aware of my surroundings and go out of my way as to not offend. I was sitting next to a blind guy and talking about what college groups we belonged to while on campus. He said he only belonged to a few and didn't pay attention to all that was available to him. I responded with, "we all walk around with blinders on" and tried to fix it by following up with, "you know! tunnel vision." Oops. I feel bad.
Joselini: I guess he didn't see that coming
KrustyFNL: Got blindsided
contrary_opinions: I generally turn a blind eye to these sorts of things.
KrustyFNL: then you're living with blinders on
| 5 | 5.2 | |
1380201112 | 1380202174 | null | t5_2to41 | 108 | [deleted]: tifu Broke Heirloom [please help!]
So I was seeing my fiance' off to work this morning and as I was standing in the garage I went to wave to her while unknowingly standing right beside my mother-in-law-to-be's heirloom "hurricane lamp" (an old tabletop oil lamp on the wooden wall mount). The good news is that I heard the chimney/shade hit the floor and immediately held my position as to not allow the wall mount and lamp to fall; however, I live with my mother-in-law-to-be and must replace the top part of the lamp before leaving for work at 4:00 today. Mail-order is not an option.
Before anyone even has a chance to start, Yes it is a dumb Idea to keep breakables perched on a wall mount, and yes I should have known it was there and not broken it.
tl;dr What chain stores carry hurricane/oil lamp parts that I should be able to visit in Memphis, TN
edit: please upvote to help me!!!
edit: Thanks for the help and upvotes I found a place
details [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/memphis/comments/1n6biv/please_help_i_broke_an_heirloom_xpost_from_tifu/)
(its the x-post on /r/memphis)
[deleted]: /r/memphis ?
[deleted]: thank you
| 3 | 36 | |
1380189402 | 1380223285 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | ultrafilthy: TIFU by possibly making my friend drink nmy piss.
Well it was lasyt night.
Anywho, we weren at the bar and I go to the bathroom to pee after a few beers. The urinals were full so I go to a stall. I going pee and I see an empty glass on top of the toilet. So, for a reason unknown to myself I blast that fucker with beer colored piss and put it right back.
Later on I go back to the same stall and the glass was empty. Now I can't say for sure it was my friend, BUT I all of the sudden realize upon seeing the empty glass that my friend will sometimes drink wounded strangers (rando, beer unclaimed). So I ask him about it and he immediatly goes "no way dude of course not." I doubt he would man up to the truth, but im prettty sure if not him, someone at that bar drank my piss.
tl;dr woops
[deleted]: That's not how TL;DR works.
[deleted]: TL;DR yes, it is.
| 3 | 5 | |
1380207198 | 1380229795 | null | t5_2to41 | 506 | TheHydrogenator: TIFU at the hospital
My fuck up happened a couple hours ago. My great grandfather is 94, really ill and close to dying. I drove across the US to see him yesterday and all night, haven't slept since Monday night. So I'm feeling pretty fucking tired.
I'm standing in the hall outside his room in front of the nurse's desk and I tell my wife "I feel like death". Her jaw drops at my stupidity, and the nurses shoot me the dirtiest looks.
TL;DR drove all day and night to see a dying grandparent. Got to the hospital tired as shit and blurted out "I feel like death" in front of the nurses.
Edit: Cleaned up some grammar.
SuperCid: Don't really see what is wrong with saying that. It isn't like you had just given the doctors the go ahead to pull the plug or something. I've heard some pretty stupid shit from visitors/nurses/doctors that was way worse than this. Like literally people talking shit about someone who is dying right after visiting their room.
Ronry: When I was in the psych ward for suicide risks, the main staff-person would call us all good-for-nothing, selfish, ungrateful teens. The week before I got there, I was told, they had forced the kids to watch a video of a guy jumping off the upper floor of a mall. They forced them to watch all of it.
Newfur: What the fuck is wrong with people?
Monsterposter: Stupidity and lack of empathy
Newfur: And somehow they wind up in jobs meant to help the most fragile, helpless people, and not only neglect them, but actively fuck them up more? I'm thinking simple human cruelty here.
| 6 | 84.333333 | |
1380203788 | 1380227607 | null | t5_2to41 | 44 | megaRXB: TIFU by vacuuming
So i came home from school today and thought "i'm gonna be productive!" So i did some homework. This is were the fuck up starts.
So I was vacuuming everywhere! Behind my desk, my bed and **on** the desk as i come by some old tissues i hid from when i had the "sniffles" and decided to vacuum that shit too (since my mom was home i didn't want to go to the bathroom and obviously flush something out) So I sucked it up, and immediately the vacuum started making crazy noises and the little red bar that tells the pressure went off the charts. Suddenly it stops and starts to smoke... A LOT! So I unplug it and throw it out in our driveway and pour water over it. My mum was already there and started to check it out. She undplugs the hose and sure enough are my "sniffle" tissues. My mum just looked at me and threw them into our garbage bin. Soooo yeah this was literally 10 mins ago and shes out getting my younger sisters now.
TL;DR: Vacuumed up my "sniffle" tissues and vacuum combusts.
Kelnon: Wait, so you we afraid to go into the bathroom, stand in there for a minute or so in order to make it seem like you needed to take a piss, then flush, then turn on the water to wash your hands, then walk out?
megaRXB: We have a very cramped down house so she can hear that i don't piss. It would also be weird since i peed right before i started vacuuming.
phoenixink: Why not just throw the tissues in the trash?
megaRXB: http://i.imgur.com/l2EzKSE.png This will maybe will help you all understand better.
phoenixink: But I mean would your mother really heckle you about what kind of trash you're throwing away? For all she knows you were just blowing your nose and didn't clean up the tissues. Don't over think it :-) or get another piece of trash, a big empty cup or takeout bag or something and throw it out with the tissues inside.
megaRXB: I guess you're right.
phoenixink: I don't know how old you are or what your parents/mother's view on masturbation is, but unless she is very against it, I don't think you need to worry about throwing tissues away or anything. It's not *that* suspicious. You could get a trash can in your room? Or why not just throw them in the trashcan in the bathroom? Either way don't get too stressed/paranoid about it. I'm a girl but I know that pretty much every teenage boy anywhere ever masturbates, nothing to be ashamed of, just get yourself a trash can in your room.
| 8 | 5.5 | |
1380212766 | 1380321699 | null | t5_2to41 | 167 | Patchoolible: TIFU by using a laptop as a laptop
So, I was sitting watching telly last night while tapping away on my laptop, working on an assignment. Because it's the evening, and I'm an idiot, I was sipping on a hot chocolate because hey, it's cold. My cat is sat on the back of the sofa silently (unknown to me) watching the street outside, there are gasworks being done outside and they're packing away all the machinery into this container that they've put out down the road. Anyhow, something freaks the shit out of my cat, being the skittish old bitch she is, and she jumps down off the sofa. She gets her claw caught in the fabric which freaks her out more. Talking of freaking out, I didn't realise she was there. So mid sip, she makes me jump spilling the grainy hot chocolate eveywhere.
I look down. The floor is covered in hot chocolate, I'm covered in hot chocolate, and my laptop is covered in hot chocolate.
I'm no technical queen, but I KNOW shit is going down. My skin is stinging but I prioritise my the most important/expensive thing in my life, and I go get some kitchen roll. I mop up the keys, and before I go to turn it off. It goes blank.
The Genius Bar is booked up for the next week and I'm not around during the local repair shop's opening times, and I don't know how much is backed up. So I'm probably going to be paying for a short-circuited laptop and losing up to 5 years of photos, music, documents and whatever the hell else.
I realise this isn't as interesting as all the other gold on this subreddit but I'm so panicked and I've got to think about this till Wednesday.
**TL;DR** spilt the worst liquid you can spill on a MacBook, probably short circuited it, lost up to 5 years of stuff, and I can't get an appointment to have it looked at.
**EDIT:** I've taken it to my local PC repair place, who luckily to apple products, and it has power but the monitor's been affected, so it switches on but doesn't show it on screen.
So the hard drive is ok :D
mygocarp: Back up up your stuff. With Time Machine all you do is plug in a hard drive and press a button. Seriously.
Patchoolible: I'm not sure how much is in the cloud, lots of documents are online in my college portal though.
erutuFniatpaC: So people still say "the cloud"?
kThanks: What do you call it?
erutuFniatpaC: I put files on the server so people can access them or I can download them in case something breaks. Maybe I upload it, but I sure as hell don't put it in "the cloud".
kThanks: It's funny, "the cloud" is no sillier than "the internet", yet it's nearly as cringe-inducing as when someone references "the web". I always wonder how we decide what an acceptable term for something is.
erutuFniatpaC: If there is already a name for it why change it? People have been backing up their files online for ages and only just now they came up with the fucking cloud.
What do you mean by referencing "the web"?
kThanks: I mean when they refer to the internet as the web.
erutuFniatpaC: That doesn't bother me as much, don't hear it often either.
| 10 | 16.7 | |
1380170487 | 1380215674 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | eeclaren: TIFU by sending an email
I am a shift lead at a drug store. Yesterday was my day off. Today, one of my employees came up to me and told me about an incident yesterday. Apparently there was a group of guys who came in and bought about a dozen amex gift cards for $400. And they came back tonight. According to our store policy (and possibly state law?), customers can only buy up to $500 in gift cards in a 24 hour period. In an effort to warn the other stores in the area, I started writing a district-wide email describing the customers and to be on the lookout. Well, during this time, one of the other managers called and told me about his suspicions that the credit cards they were using to purchase the gift cards were stolen. He told me I should probably call the police if they came in again. I thought "Gee, I should probably include that in the email, then maybe we can catch these guys". Yeah, big mistake. The loss prevention supervisor sent out a reply shortly after telling everyone not to call the cops, they weren't sure the credit cards are stolen yet.
Shit.
imaybemeesh: I'm confused: what was the fuck up part of this? What you described just sounds like communicating with loss prevention/your other stores.
eeclaren: Mostly I just felt really, really stupid
imaybemeesh: I get that. I don't think you should feel stupid, for what it's worth: no one's going to remember in a day.
I know that won't magically make the feeling go away, though.
| 4 | 3 | |
1380217439 | 1380301458 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | rbot1: TIFU by washing my sheets
... and my phone.
Did I get the insurance? No, I fucked up a eyar ago when I didn not enroll in the insurance within the allotted month. Now my phone is in rice, and will likely not work again. I mostly use it for text and the calender. I go to school and work full time, so I like having an up to date visual analysis of my week. I guess I'll have to get a paper PDA and a dumb phone.
I could pick up 7 shifts by the end of the year and pay for a new smart phone..... we'll see I guess.
Fucking thing was dripping water out of the sides when I dragged it out of the bottom of the washer machine! Fuck! $600 mistake right there....
howardsgirlfriend: You have my sympathy. I hope you removed the battery and everything else that you could. Here's hoping for a pleasant surprise.
rbot1: yeah. I did. It was a bitch to take apart. I plugged it in to the charger, and I got a green "charging" light, but that's it. It won't boot. :(
Techmyst: Have you checked the board if there is any blown transistor
Anywhere on/in the phone, smells of burnt electronics?
| 4 | 4 | |
1380217855 | 1380255631 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | creepersneedkarma2: TIFU by feeding my lizard
My mom brought over a friend who brought her son who loves animals and his sister who easily scared the boy wanted to see my collection of my [reptiles](http://imgur.com/a/yDugO). The little boy wanted to see the tegus get fed well my more socialized one (the red one) went into brumation so I decided to feed my Colombian who is a rescue and I am sure he is wild caught. Anyways I unfreeze the mice and prepare everything I feed them in gated off hallway. The mom decided to watch but she got to close told her to back up a bit din't listen. When I gave my tegu the first mouse he decided to tear it up trashing it as fast as he could (he usually just eats them no thrashing) in the middle of all this thrashing the body of the mouse splits and all the blood and guts fly into what I call the splash zone guess who was in the splash zone the mom. I started to laugh as all the blood and organs flew onto her dress and face her son started to laugh to along with everyone in the room(daughter, my mom and my dad.)
52flyingwhales: Can I see your pictures of your setups?? I want to get a tegu and a snake so fucking much. I'm thinking of building my own area for a tegu or two when I get my own place.
How long have you had each of them?
creepersneedkarma2: I had the Colombian one for about 2 years and the red one for about a year. not to offend you or anything just wondering if you had experience with reptiles before? Here's my setup for my red http://imgur.com/lXaz59p
52flyingwhales: Oh yes of course! haha I didn't mention it in my post so it's natural for you to ask. I've had several Anoles before high school. During high school I got baby sat an iguana for a few months for someone. Then I got a leopard gecko and sometime later a bearded dragon. However I had to give away the bearded dragon last year once I left for college because I couldn't keep it and parents wouldn't take both of them :(
Thats a pretty neat setup and I like how its placement. Would it be too much to ask to see your snakes too >.>?
creepersneedkarma2: Heres a link to all of them http://imgur.com/a/yDugO also as a fyi if you get a tegu the best substate is dirt sand some orchid bark or mulch. If you get a snake rubber tubs are amazing for humidity.
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1380219370 | 1380242990 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | SchmuckBuddha: TIFU with a mechanical baseball pitching machine
During my Jackass days as I like to call them, I made plenty of dumb mistakes while continually putting myself at risk and in harm’s way. One time during a my speech class in high school, we spent the entire period in our schools batting cages. While there I came up with a crazy idea: position myself in front of home plate like Adam Sandler in Happy Gilmore and let WILD PITCHES WHIZ BY ME AT SPEEDS CLOSE TO 60 MILES-PER-HOUR. I walked into the batting cages, stood in front of home plate, and faced the pitching machine head on. Swiftly baseballs began flying out at me as I maneuvered out of the way while they HIGHTAIL past me. Thinking to myself that I might go belly up and meet my maker, I re-evaluated the situation just as one more ball came barreling past me almost taking my head clear off. Through with this insanity, I jumped out of the way to safety, but I didn’t have any idea what would happen to me next. One of my classmates pushed me back into the batting cage timing it precisely, so an out-of-control baseball would come flying out at me at the exact time I would fall in front of home base. That’s exactly what occurred, A BALL LAUNCHED OUT OF THE MACHINE AND CLOBBERED ME RIGHT IN THE TESTICLES (NUT SHOT TO THE WORST POSSIBLE DEGREE)! I took a nosedive hitting the ground in excruciating pain; it felt as if Paul Bunyan just kicked me square in the nuts with a steel-toed boot. My teacher immediately pulled the plug and rushed to my aid. While on the ground, I looked at the kid who pushed me and whimpered, “When I can get up off the ground, you better run. I will get you if it’s the last thing I do—SCUMBAG!” That was the last time I ever did something of that dumb nature, I nearly lost my testicles—gee whiz I say old boy. Here’s the life less: a man’s not really a man for that matter, without his prized package of franks and beans. It’s never a smart idea to put your genitals at risk for any stunt. Mark my words, if you do you’ll be sorry. Take it from me from my own personal experience. #Aboynamedj #Schmuckbuddha
[deleted]: So how did you pay that scumbag back?
SchmuckBuddha: I unfortunately couldn't do much considering the school pinned it on me and claimed it was my fault for standing in front of the pitching machine and that I was what "caused the problem" to happen in the first place. I did on the other hand, verbally annihilate him in front of our whole school while they were filming a reality show...
Sweet revenge is mine!
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1380221423 | 1380230023 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | Throwawayshame11: TIFU, Got drunk and groped my best friend's man friend
Party of close friends, my bestie brought her man friend. This was our second time meeting. All is amazing until we all start passing out. I was going through the rituals of being last to pass out like taking off my pants before passing out on the couch, taking out my contacts, etc. Well I am all kinds of fucked up at this point, then I fucked up. My hands are all over the unconscious fellow. I meandered my hand to his "tool box." I found the tool I was looking for alright. Didn't do much just kinda sized him up then went to bed once he started moving a bit. All of this while my bestie is spooning him. I have been mortified the morning after before but **this**.
Smh. I don't blame drugs/alcohol, but I obviously need some restraint and to jerk off before parties. I don't think I can mess with alcohol any time soon. This one is going to the grave, never felt I was such an awful person. I want someone to punch me square in the face for what I did but my conscious is doing an excellent job mentally. Sorry for the throw away and currently, my existence.
[deleted]: Don't let it get you down. If you don't want to blame the alcohol or drugs or anything, then don't. Just realise you messed up and learn from your mistakes. It seems that you have caused yourself emotional distress with the situation, maybe in this situation it would be best to talk to them about it, I know it can only really end in one of two ways, but it seems like the situation is eating you alive as it is, and it will constantly haunt you until you've dealt with it.
Chin up :) Worse things could have happened :>
Throwawayshame11: My dear RyuuzakiBjorn, It is far too late for that. Worse did happen. I betrayed myself in the worst way. To explain or try to: [:(](http://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/1n76rg/depression_this_time_i_wont_help_myself/)
[deleted]: This seems to have really troubled you, do you have family members you can confide in about the issue or a counsellor? It sounds like the problem has deeply affected you emotionally and as extreme as a counsellor might sound, they're here to help people in situations like this, where a person needs to talk to someone and be given guidance.
Throwawayshame11: No I don't and I am too disgusted with myself to even utter a word of it. I had to use a throw away and random peoples of the internet. (sorry guys). I am unable to even go that far to help myself.
[deleted]: But if you don't help yourself, it'll worsen. There's not much more advice I can give apart from, you shouldn't keep this in. Even if you go around and talk to random people, like here on Reddit. It's better than letting it build up. This is your life, only you can iron out the issues and make it a more pleasant experience for yourself.
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1380232736 | 1380264816 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,104 | mindspew: TIFU featuring beer, pretty girl, piss and cowardice
I am so sorry.
I am late 20’s, 5’7”, lean with muscles, getting nicely drunk at a house party that I don’t know the hosts, or their friends. But I was invited by a stranger at the first party I was at... I rolled in with no beers as I had no money but really, there’s almost always extra beers at the middle of the evening, right? I am happy, outgoing and looking forward to meeting new chicks.
I don’t remember much about you (lots and lots to drink) but your robust drinking style makes up for any otherwise dealbreakers as I eye-lock you across the crowded kitchen. I am at the fridge, I open it up and grab 4 bottles of beer, signaling to you to meet me at the other side of the kitchen island to pick up your fresh beer.
When after fighting through tightly packed bodies I find you making your way to the meeting spot… I realize it’s going to be a very exciting night for you and me; you like beer. I smile at you and hand you a bottle. Looking at my other hand you ask where those beers are going? I reply with a smirk that maybe I’m feeling thirsty. You tell me the price to meet you and talk with you is 2 beers and I had better hand over another bottle immediately. Actually, I was planning to feed you another beer but didn’t think you would want to know that intention up front.
Sweet! You can hold onto your own stash! We talk, argue, smile and both continue to drink like prohibition begins tomorrow. Soon I’m forging back into the kitchen to rescue the remaining 2 bottles out of the bottom drawer where I hid them earlier, fully annihilating the expensive designer 6-pack that was never mine to drink. This party has real adults, in their 30’s, that buy the good shit, unlike the post-college party I started at.
Blackout. Yeah really. Can’t remember anymore at the party, aaaaaaaaandd not really sure how we left and how we ended up at, your place. Yep, your place. That’s where it happens. I think we begin sex, but not sure we finish, either of us. Maybe I fell asleep on top of you and you enjoyed this passive cuddling?
I wake up in a panic. I have to pee. NOW!
F#ck. I’m in some strange house, you brought me here in the dark and didn’t turn on any lights as you led me into your lair…. I’m so f#cked. I have no idea where the f#ck I am. I have no idea where your bathroom is!! I NEED TO PEE!!!!
You keep your bedroom ultrabrutal tidy, some OCD I’m sure. Maybe your binge drinking is an effort to balance the obvious control issues? But it’s cool because I’m in pain I’m trying so hard not to pee as I stand up in bed to walk off the end and onto the floor. Thank god there’s nothing out of place on the floor in the dark for me to twist an ankle.
I think I’ve just sprained my stop-pee muscle; I have never been in this type of pain! I can’t do it. I can’t. There is no way I can wander about your house naked, with many housemates in many rooms, searching for the bathroom with the toilet, continuing to hold back the tsunami of urea and uric acid and nitrogenous wastes. Fml.
The urine is now backing up, backing up up up into my brain. My brain is full of urine. I can’t think. I want to cry, moan, I want to sob hysterically. This is pain that morphine and fentanyl in no way can block, no way.
I see your closet door. I hobble the long 3-feet to the door and open it. It’s pitch black inside your closet, nothing. I need to let this tidal wave out, now! I am drunk, please remember this; I likely have a Blood Alcohol Concentration of over 0.250 and by that I mean a lot! I am soooooo drunk, and asleep! I need to piss like yesterday, I am mad drunk and completely unconscious as I stand teetering naked at your open closet.
And, I, pee.
This doesn’t seem too bad. I mean, it’s completely dark, I can’t see a thing, there’s nothing inside this closet? It’s empty? I am peeing. Much better to piss a little inside an empty closet rather than pee all over your bedroom. Ohhhhhhhhhh, yes, I am peeing.
Still peeing full force I totter a little bit inside the closet. Shit, there are shoes on the floor, lots of shoes, all over the floor. Peeing feels so good, nothing could feel better than complete surrender. I am peeing all over the floor, all over the shoes all over the floor. I cannot stop. This is going down.
Then I get a good idea. If I pee in one spot then I’ll completely soak and ruin whatever is there, but if I swing all around, if I pee a little here, a little there, a little over there……. Yes, that’s consideration. I am a considerate one-night stand and I’m no amateur at drinking and dating. I got this.
So I begin to swivel my hips and let it fly where ever it may go, in the pitch blackness. I do my best to move my stream, never too long in one spot. I feel good, I am working a plan, with kindness and compassion in my heart, I pee a solid unending stream of hot stinky urine. And then I realize that I don’t need to pee only on the floor, I can also spread it over the blouses hanging on the low rod and the things in piles on low shelves. If each item gets just a little spray then nothing is ruined. She might not even notice.
I pee. I pee. I pee. This will never end. I am getting tired with this work. I stop swiveling my hips, I think I’m going to throwup. I remain still, and keep peeing. Playfully I do a thing that all men and boys know, I tilt my hips backward and arch the stream upward. I figure I’ll try to tag some high targets before the peak force of my pee wanes. Just spreading my work out, trying to not ruin any one thing.
Peeing. Slowing down, now. Slowing down. Feels good to finish this load. Felt like about a quart. Yep, that is certainly possible when a man drinks a f#ckton of beer. A full hot oily quart of fresh piss.
Done. I swagger back to bed and feel like sexytime but also feel like celebration will bring my stomach up thru my mouth, so I gently slide back into bed. I try to swallow some water from your Nalgene sport bottle but my insides don’t want that. Well, they probably do but I fear I’ll puke immediately. And I crash.
Gotta pee!!! I open my eyes, it’s barely getting light out, your windows are large and have no curtains or blinds on them. I see you sleeping facedown, have no idea what your face looks like. Can’t remember from just 5 hours earlier at the party. My head hurts, and I gotta pee. I gently stand up in bed and walk over to the edge and step down to the floor, your room is so clean. I grab my pants and put them on in awkward struggle as I move to your bedroom door. I find the bathroom just immediately down the hall, and I pee. I don’t flush because I’m considerate and don’t want to make noise so early in the pre-dawn morning.
As I re-enter your room I look over at the closet. Oh yeah, that weird dream….. that was really f#cked up! But….. and I walk over to the closet, put my head inside, and wait. AHHH F#CK!!!!!!!!!! It smells like a f#cking rat cage!!!!! Nasty urine. EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!
Hurrying with fear I pick up my shirt and snatch my shoes from beneath your bed. F#ck my socks? I really don’t give a shit about them at this moment. My undwear too! Don’t need it!!!!!
I quickly lope out your bedroom door, shirtless. I cruise down the hallway, down the stairs, it’s getting lighter outside. The stairs are creaky 1920’s wooden but speed is my defense, I must keep moving fast. I must evacuate, now! I can’t seem to figure out which path is the shortest to the front door. I can’t see the front door but I can sense where it should be. F#ck it, I’ll navigate the back of the house, I’ll go out the backdoor.
Goddamnit! I have no idea where I am and no idea how to get out of this hell hole!!!
I run to the left and then forward, finding the front door. I stress out, freaking that maybe it’s a keylock deadbolt that needs a f#cking goddamned key to unlock from the inside! F#ck f#ck f#ck f#ckitty F#CK!!~!!!
Spin two small knobs, unlock the door, grab the handle, push it open…. and escape in my pants no underwear, with shoes and shirt in hand. And I run!!!!!!!!
I knew nobody at that party where we met. I only knew about that party by a stranger I met at the prior party. But you don’t know any of that. I can’t recall your freakin name! Maybe you’ve forgot mine? As I run away I take great pains to avoid looking at any street signs, I want to get 10 blocks away in any direction before I learn where the f#ck I am. I want no reason to ever ever ever stroll past your house….. just to look……
Eventually, I look at a street sign and learn that I’m somewhere on Capitol Hill, but totally no clue just exactly where and really not the first clue on how to efficiently begin walking home. No matter; presently lost, 6 miles of walking in the light rain in a cotton short sleeve shirt, no socks….. this is the easy party. This is easy. I can do this.
Escaping that hell hole of a house with a closet putrifying from 1 quart of hot oily urine sprayed all over every single item…… that was the hard part. Escape. Success.
--
The next part is fiction, at least, I have no way of knowing what actually happens but I’ll do my best to paint a realistic epilogue.
You wake up, face down, your head hurts when you turn it. You may or may not remember “me” from last night at the party. You may or may not remember “me” from last night inside your body. It’s light out, but there’s no sunshine ‘cuz this is Fall in Seattle so it’s raining. Of course.
A little bit later you do remember “me” and you remember “me” in all the ways there are to remember. A smile comes to your face, but slips off when you look about your bed, then you look about your room and you don’t find “me.” You instantly consider me a thoughtless dick, in all senses of that phrase. I ducked out after our one-nighter without even a cute note. I leave no trace to ever being there.
Your head hurts but you know from your solid career of binge drinking that a glass of Emergen-C with painkillers followed by some herbal tea will be your friends in recovery. You step out of bed and see my socks on the floor by the side of the bed and my underwear hanging from a shitty sculpture you made in highschool but still can’t seem to get rid of. You’ve no idea how or better yet why my worn-out and centerline-stained underwear are hanging from your art?
“Maybe he’s still here? Maybe he’s making tea for me? Maybe he’s cooking a sweet country breakfast and using any food he finds in the frig I share with 4 passive aggressive bitchy girls?”
You walk over naked to your closet. You open the door. You reach inside to get your comfy robe. You grab your robe and put it on.
The overfull and cloistered closet smells like your 10-gallon fish tank when you were in junior highschool and had 6 mice after the original fish residents all died from lack of care. Your closet smells like 4 homeless men have used it as a common urination spot for several months.
WHAT THE F#CK!!!!!!!!!
--
Honestly, I can’t even begin to imagine what you must have thought, felt, endured from my actions. The questions you have will NEVER have any answer that is safe and reasonable.
“Who in the F#CK was that guy that picked me up, f#cked me (or not?), and then after I fell asleep he creeped out of bed and sprayed 2-gallons of oily stinky potty urine on everything I own??!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who does that??!! WHY ME?????!!!!!!!!!!!”
I.
Am.
Sorry.
This happened nearly exactly 20 years ago, in Seattle, on Capitol Hill. I have finally felt the need to attempt to apologize, in some form. I have suppressed this memory, I have not thought about it. But today 2013 the entire memory was completely unearthed, no longer suppressed under a bedrock of denial.
I am so so sorry. So sorry.
TL;DR – I sprayed a quart of pee on all her clothes then disappeared
EDIT: I just remembered why she had no curtains or shades on her windows even though there was a streetlight across the road that lit her room up, she said she hated curtains because they couldn't be kept clean and dust free. She was a dust / germ freak.
twoeyesblind: This was a treasure to read.
Snack_King: A... national treasure?
WASH_YOUR_VAGINA: We have to pee on the declaration of independence
Snack_King: Spread it out though, don't want to ruin it.
| 5 | 220.8 | |
1380242651 | 1380575987 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting drunk, totaling my $20,000 truck, and fleeing the scene. Can't claim it on insurance and I have a broken arm I can't do anything about.
Got drunk and decided to drive to get some food (fuck up #1). Plowed my $20,000 truck into a tree destroying it. Decided to run (fuck up #2) so I wouldn't get a DUI. Cops didn't call me or press charges, they just impounded my truck. I paid to get my truck out of impound and now I have a $20,000 piece of metal sitting in my driveway.
The problem: I had full coverage but I can't report it to my insurance because I was drunk and left the scene of an accident. I can't risk fraud charges for filing a false report or having the insurance company dig into the incident (which may lead to an investigation from the police). Basically, I have to eat the $20,000 loss. In addition, I have a broken arm and a messed up back from the wreck that I have to just let heal on its own because hospitals ask questions (and I don't have health insurance). I went to the immediate care and they did x-rays to confirm it's fractured.
Before anyone starts on me, I know I deserve it. I make poor decisions when I drink and I have vowed to never get drunk again. I'm extremely lucky I didn't hurt (or kill) anyone.
mondayschild: How will you keep from drinking? Do you plan on joining a support group?
nowonmai: He didn't mention being an alcoholic. He could just keep from drinking by, you know, not drinking.
mondayschild: Well, perhaps. I am no expert on alcoholism, to be sure. But OP mentioned that he already had a previous DUI and he states that "I gave up the bottle for good."
Jmar54 states above that "I noticed you said you vowed to never get drunk again. I hope that doesn't mean that you are planning on drinking still and just not drinking enough to get drunk, because trust me, it won't work like that." From what I know about alcohol addiction, that seems to be the case. And I would think that someone is getting DUIs, and running $20,000 trucks into trees, and avoid medical care to avoid the law seems to have a problem with alcohol.
I hope that OP can get the support he needs.
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1380253735 | 1380524732 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by licking crystallized battery acid
So, I'm a Math major, and in one of my classes we have to do something called the [Euclidean Algorithm](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Euclidean_algorithm) , which can be a pain in the ass when you have to break down big numbers.
So, I decide to break out the handy dandy TI-84 that I haven't used in 3 semesters.
I open the back compartment, and it's got 2 AAA Duracells with this white encrusted shit that looks like sugar. The empiricist I am, I decide to test with my tongue to see if it's sugar without even thinking that it might be FUCKING BATTERY ACID.
Well, it tasted salty. And like alkaline-y.
Then I tell my girlfriend, and she tells me I'm an idiot and that I just tasted battery acid.
15 minutes later, so far, so good. My tongue kinda tingles. I guess I'll just Wolfram Alpha for my math homework. LOL!
Twistshock: Well, a strong acid would probably feel like sticking your tongue on a hotplate or similar. I know from experience that's what 2M HCL tastes like.
Marshton: Dude, what? 2M HCl isn't that bad, surely?
I put 8M sulphuric acid on my finger and licked it, boy, that was fun. That stuff burns paper and it made a hole in my trousers. Good times.
because-racecar: Next time you should try that with hydroflouric acid. I heard it has a nice kick.
nowonmai: Not as much as you'd imagine. Glacial acetic acid. Now that's where it's at.
| 5 | 3.6 | |
1380260104 | 1380502846 | null | t5_2to41 | 120 | CatBawx: TIFU by sending a nude photo over iMessage (Voicemail clip inside)
Met a cute girl on Facebook who lives fairly close to me and we eventually got on to talking/flirting via the messenger..
I don't know about you but I prefer text messaging (Especially over the god awful apps for the iPhone)
She had been visiting family somewhere in Europe and made a point to tell me that she was unable to text due to the international text fees or whatever
This is where I fucked up..
I convince the girl to use iMessage to chat with me because it won't cost anything only I didn't think it through that this girl isn't very technical and has very little understanding of how iPhone's work
What I didn't realize is that her mother also has an iPhone and is also linked to the iMessage account..for the people without iPhone's I will explain this simply..when I text the girl MOM also gets the text too.
She obliged to the texting and we began talking regularly for a while which ended up evolving into full on sexting. I was excited and decided it would be a good time to send a nude photo like a moron.
After sending the photo she stopped replying but I could see that she didn't read it so I figured she must have just fallen asleep
Fast forward to the next morning (Today) I get a call from an odd number I've never seen before. Of course I don't answer it because it's probably just spam. I end up getting a [voicemail which ended up being this](https://soundcloud.com/throwawaysext/0292-1)
The girl was mortified. I was mortified. I was immediately unfriended and blocked and I don't expect to hear from her again. Total awkwardness.
It's been a couple hours now and I do kind of think the voicemail was funny in a way. Also for reference both myself and the girl are in our mid-twenties which makes this even more ridiculous.
ILikeToBurnThings_: Jesus duck the ducking way she said "I will kill you" will haunt my dreams.
Cougs67: Fuck. Just say it
ILikeToBurnThings_: Dammit autocorrect.
rockhead162: You're not ducking alone.
| 5 | 24 | |
1380266790 | 1380437152 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | [deleted]: TIFU by having my grilled cheese drugged
So today I went to my friends house. She made weed butter the night before and showed me. I was like cool, whatever I dont really care. So were sitting around about an hour before I have to go to work, she offers to make me lunch. She was making grilled cheese and asked if I prefer butter or margrine. I said butter cause its real haha.
She put a lot of butter on it, and Im no stranger to pot, but I got right ripped. While I was at work. I got so sick and when asked what was wrong I said, Im my friend played a prank on me and now Im high.
Now I have a suspension at work and have to have a serious talk with HR because of this. TIFU.
I apologize as its not a funny tifu, but I wanted to talk about it.
Ruggsy: damn well if there is a position open ill take that job if i get free pot grilled cheese.
jk jk jk, I really hope everything works out well for you. Giving someone anything they dont expect is a dick move
Demento56: Actually, giving someone something they don't expect is pretty much the whole point of Christmas, Chaunukah, Kwanzaa, Easter, birthdays, and etc. these days. Usually we say it's a nice surprise.
| 3 | 9.666667 | |
1380261426 | 1380312217 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by scratching the car I park next to...
And I'm considering not saying anything. The damage is the size of a deck of cards. It's on the middle panel for me (scratches) and on the wheel well for him.
Nobody has said anything yet though. It's been ~12hrs. Should I fess up, or say nothing?
Kelnon: Be an adult and take responsibility for your actions. Was it a mistake? Yes. Do mistakes happen? Yes. Does that mean you get a "Whoops, made a mistake, let me roll the dice again" like when you were a child? No.
[deleted]: That's the plan. However, I'm not sure who owns the car and if they are even around. The car has been there for ~1month.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1380268249 | 1380351292 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,327 | sabbylolo: TIFU I am the stinky fish girl
I was rushing off to the gym and remembered I hadn't taken my vitamins and supps. yet for the day. So I grabbed my magic pills, which include 2 fish oil capsules, and went to down 'em on my way out the door. I quickly realized I had already put my water bottle in the car and was in too much of a hurry to get a new drink to swallow my pills with. I think to myself "oh, I'll just take them when I get in the car and have my water!" I had to grab a few other things and of course I can't hold 7ish pills in my hand for 85 seconds while grabbing headphones and car keys. 'Brilliant idea!' Put the pills in your sports bra, yoga pants have no pockets and the bra will keep 'em contained for a minute or two.
Fast forward to 45 min. later. I'm in the gym. I'm sweating, I'm getting my pump on, guys are checking me out because I'm rocking it, I'm checking me out because there may actually be some definition in these chicken arms of mine. I grab a set of dumbbells in preparation for some reverse flyes. I pony up to the incline bench, press my boobs against the bench and let these 9.5" pythons show the rest of the gym what’s up!
Annnd theeen....there's an explosion on my chest.
Before I can even realize what has just burst all over my boobies, the smell hits me. FISH! Oh and it's strong. I immediately stop lifting and notice the bench is now covered in stinky fishy oil. I start getting looks from the people lifting next to me. My chest is covered in what looks like extreme cleavage sweat. I grab paper towels and cleaner to clean off the bench but the oil is just smearing and covering the bench for the next unfortunate user. The smell of fish is now taking over the free weight area. I’m getting looks from other gym goers within a 10 ft radius and I overhear one guy say to his buddy as they glance over at me, “what’s that smell? Smells like a fish market in July.” All I hear as I’m beelining for the door is the response from his friend, “smells like your sister’s underwear drawer.”
Grrrrreeeeaaaaaat. Please erase my face and my 9.5” pythons from your memory.
TL;DR Put fish oil capsules in my bra. They exploded leaving me smelling like a 2nd rate seafood emporium.
EDIT: Wow, front page of Today I Fucked Up, such an.... honor?
ShannonMS81: The best part about being a girl is you get to carry a purse and not be judged. As a dude I wish I didn't get funny looks for bringing my messenger bag with me almost everywhere so I can carry my 3DS, tablet, kindle, ipod, and various other stuff. You have a free pass for easily transporting stuff. No more bra as a pocket!
NoOnesAnonymous: Girl here, will trade you. I hate carrying a purse, and I envy guys because all your pants have pockets and it's perfectly acceptable to load them with your stuff. But yeah, you need to get a smart phone. Sell all this old crap and buy one good thing... Movies? Check. Music app? Check. Kindle app? Check. Every game you can imagine? Check. I read your reply below and it sounds like you just don't like to change/upgrade! Are you also carrying a 8 year old camera and a 10 year old cell phone in that messenger bag?? :)
ShannonMS81: I have a phone. A galaxy nexus, if I ever play a game on it, it takes a charge that usually lasts me a day down to 2-3 hours. I need to be accessible by phone for work.
I play games mostly for strong, immersive stories. My 3DS gives me that.
I can't imagine reading a book on my phone. Plus the battery on my kindle last weeks. And I carry it everywhere. Before I had kindle, I used to carry a book with me at all times. If I have downtime, I want a book in my face. Not a phone that can distract me with texts, email alerts, phone calls. I want to listen to some music and get lost in a story.
Nor can I imagine reading a comic. Or enjoying a movie squinting at a tiny screen.
I know what I like, I don't needlessly spend money on the latest and greatest thing.
NoOnesAnonymous: Hey, to each his own...but it's just that I used to be like you, carrying loads of crap and justifying it to people, then when I finally gave it all up and consolidated everything on my smart phone, well, I had to admit that all those people who gave me a hard time were right. Maybe someday you'll see the light like I did! ;)
Sometimes_Lies: It really is hard to resist peer pressure, isn't it?
Cynical_Walrus: The different way isn't the right way.
Sometimes_Lies: I can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not, so I'm just going to point out that your account is 1 year, 1 month, and 1 day old. Congrats, and hooray for repeating numbers!
Cynical_Walrus: Goddammit! I forgot my own cake day!
Sometimes_Lies: [Here you go](http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/6/66/Black_Forest_gateau.jpg/250px-Black_Forest_gateau.jpg)!
I didn't do anything for my first cake day and probably won't for the second. Ah well.
Cynical_Walrus: How kind! I love cake! I literally didn't notice it was my cakeday, so at least you got that. Oh well, thanks!
| 11 | 120.636364 | |
1380289467 | 1380315009 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | REDDIT_IS_FOR_QUEERS: TIFU
Started /r/keto again after being off over 2 weeks. Everytime I start I get wicked diareeah for a week+ [Picture says it all](http://i.imgur.com/9203MP7.jpg)
dancing_raptor_jesus: So do you sort of stand in front of the toilet with your arse turned towards it, bend over and yell "FIRE!"?
REDDIT_IS_FOR_QUEERS: I had to RUN to the toilet as soon as I sat down I shot a jet of shitwater into the toilet splattering everywhere. After a courtesy flush I stood up and wiped my ass, after the second wipe I sneezed and shot liquidshit everywhere. Thank god I clenched my asshole as fast as I did because this wasn't 1/10th of it. I couldn't stop laughing for the next 30 minutes even after throwing up while cleaning it up. The smell was the worst part, it was like a mix of smoldering wet garbage + some other unknown smells.
Jesspandapants: Oh poor you :(
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1380293136 | 1380329006 | null | t5_2to41 | 227 | [deleted]: TIFU by mismanaging guinea pigs and rabbits
This was last tuesday. My girlfriend has a young (6YO) son. Due to her starting a new job and having to leave early, she couldn't take him to school that morning, and I did it. This is a first for me; as we don't live together I'm not involved with such rituals much. Got him out of bed, fed him, dressed him, brushed his teeth, made his lunch, bicycled him to school, the works. Not having much experience with this or kids in general I was rather smug it all went so smoothly..
.. another thing I offered to do was feed & water the guinea pigs & rabbits. I also handled this and, again, thought I was rather in-control and managing it all rather well.
The watering implies re-filling their water bottle that hangs in the cage. So the next day she sends me this picture with the caption "Can you please explain how these poor creatures are expected to drink anything like this?!"
http://imgur.com/wA9w4EZ
So much for mr. together.
TLDR I find out at 35 I'm an idiot.
Brynjolf-of-Riften: Sounds like an honest mistake to me. You put it in, and it happened to be pointing the wrong way, it happens. It's not like a cat or dog where you fill a bowl with water.
FaKeShAdOw: It can be.
This is an honest mistake, but you need to pay WAY MORE attention to this shit when it comes to these two types of animals.
They need to constantly eat and constantly drink water, at a more rapid pace than either cats or dogs. Or they get G.I. stasis and they will die in like 12 hours, in some bad cases. If they get G.I. stasis and you bring them to the vet, they will show you the very very scary-large gas bubbles that form inside your animal friend.
You can train them to drink out of a water bowl though, def.
I'm just glad that OP hopefully didn't do the other mistake people usually do. The one where you're not supposed to feed rabbits and guinea pigs the same food.
Garibond: I had an Anatomy & Physiology Teacher that did that once when he was young (21-24) :(
He bought rabbit food for his guinea pig because it was cheaper and looked the same.
FaKeShAdOw: A lot of people also buy the shitty pet food that caters to "both" animals.
There is no such actual thing. That's just filled with junk food like corn, or corn in the form of POPCORN KERNELS. Shit isn't nutritious at all or will gag them. :(
Garibond: His guinea pig ended up dying from scurvy because of it :(
FaKeShAdOw: Dang dude, that sucks.
If it's the other way around, like if somebody buys guinea pig food for a rabbit? That rabbit is going to die of diarrhea, because there's way too much Vitamin C for it to handle.
Fortunately we have friendly pet-focused subreddits like /r/rabbits to educate ignorant owners, I guess.
| 7 | 32.428571 | |
1380303111 | 1380370170 | null | t5_2to41 | 51 | [deleted]: TIFU by erasing a rare Eminem recording
When I was eight I asked my Dad for an Eminem CD for my birthday. Most eight year olds ask for huge things but I knew my Dad was going through stuff at the time so that was all I asked for.
He went down to a small music store and asked the cashier and told him he was looking for an Eminem CD for the birthday of his son. The cashier told him he had something "special" in the back and he would get it for him.
It turns out that my Dad had picked me up a tape of some of Eminems unreleased work. It had recordings of him practicing what he had just written and even included angry messages he had left on the answer phones of other rappers.
This was 2003 and after I had listened to it a few times I put it away and forgot about it. Seven years later I came across it again and I still loved it so I decided to look it up online to see what people were saying about it.
I found nothing. I scoured the internet for months and that was when I realised I could very potentially be holding onto something quite valuable so I ripped a recording to my hardrive and left it there.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago where I decided to install an operating system on my drive and I move all the files from it into my computer. I then left for a two week vacation. Whilst on vacation I found the OS I was looking for and I was super happy.
What happens next is quite predictable. I came home and formated my computers drive thinking my files were on my external.
I dont think I will ever find out what I had but maybe that is a good thing because I will never find out how much they were worth, right?
*Right?*
**TL;DR**
Windows destroyed my Eminem tape
ju1cy: There are recovery options to recover lost data. Companies like Kroll OnTrack can likely get it. Best option is to stop using the computer and get a hold of a recovery company. Data is never really gone, the reference to the data is removed but it can usually be recovered.
SoulCoughing97: I read "Kroll OnTrack" as "Troll OnKrack"
| 3 | 17 | |
1380271327 | 1380429226 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | [deleted]: TIFU by having a backwards sleeping schedule.
So, a couple weekends ago, I stayed up way too late, and my sleeping schedule reversed, making me always tired at school, which makes me get problems wrong and not get homework done.
Well today, it all came back to bite me in the ass. I fell asleep around 3:20 PM today just laying on my bed expecting nothing. Then when I woke up at 11:35 PM, I got back on to see what homework I had. Then it hit me. I signed up for the Jeopardy Teen Test, which was supposed to happen at 7:00 PM (Central Time, US & Canada).
This is wonderful.
[deleted]: What is the Jeopardy Teen Test?
LRats: A test teens take to get on the Jeopardy teen tournament
Zintilyaspin: And what is the Jeopardy teen tournament?
LRats: It's a quiz show where three contestants have to answer trivia questions to win money. Usually adults participate, but every once in a while they have a tournament for teenagers to participate.
Zintilyaspin: :o
| 6 | 4.333333 | |
1380307600 | 1380347921 | null | t5_2to41 | 124 | openmybrain: TIFU by asking if you can kill hookers.
I'm sitting at the lunch table at work today when the topic of GTA V comes up. This girl says her boyfriend plays it a lot and goes on to describe how graphic the stripclub/sex scenes are. I then ask "Can you kill the hookers after having sex with them?"
I get stares from all around. No one says anything for a few second. It turns out no one at the table has played GTA before and now they all think I'm fucked in the head.
GreenFluffySocks: You did tell them afterwards you could do that in the previous GTA games... right?
Bazrid: Pretty sure the topic of killing hookers is thrown around pretty liberally when talking about GTA since like... 2003/4? These coworkers must not listen to talk radio... I mean Maurice Chavez talks about it all the time.
Ucantalas: I learned about killing the hookers to get your money back from listening to Glen Beck complain about it.
Before that I just didn't think a game would keep track of something like that, so killing them wouldn't get me anything special (in my mind at the time)
| 4 | 31 | |
1380310759 | 1380326707 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally donating to a racist organization.
They were campaigning outside my local bank for an idea that I *though* sounded kind of good, so like an idiot I donated some money without even thinking about it. Then, when I got home, I decided to look up the organization... yeah, turns out they're not such a great organization. They have ties to racist organizations, nazi-like organizations. And I fucking gave them my money without even thinking about it because I thought "hey, this seems like a good idea" without even looking into the facts beforehand. TIFU in a major way. And now they have my name and info. >_<
Edit: They're hugely anti-Obama too. Now, he isn't my most favorite person in the world, but I certainly don't hate him. I think he's ok.
Edit 2: I wish there was a way I could cancel the check I wrote them so they won't get my money..
Edit 3: It was $25.
inevitabled34th: What was the idea that they had that sounded so great?
BigfootTouchedMe: Segregation in schools.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1380312155 | 1380373963 | null | t5_2to41 | 727 | ohaiimchris: TIFU by drunk texting
Alright, so a little backstory. This girl in my history class is pretty cute and we've been flirting back and forth. Well, today we had an exam, and so last night we studied! And when I say "studied" I mean "Sit in library for 45 minutes and decide to go get drunk". The night progresses and we finish a 1/5th of Admiral Nelson between three people. (Me, my roommate Ian, and the girl Emily).
Okay, now for the story. As we're drinking, Emily and I are getting more and more flirty, and then we decide to go get more booze. After doing some walking around, we finally are able to locate a liquor store and we buy some vodka. We bring it back to my place and take a shot, which I accidentally chased with a mixed drink. That's when I decided I was done drinking and Emily said she was tired so I walked her the 3 blocks back to her apartment. We hug goodbye and I stumble my ass back home. I start texting her and she tells me that she wants me to come back to her place and cuddle with her because she's lonely. This was it, the moment I had been waiting for! So before I leave to go meet her, I take a screenshot of the conversation and create a new message and send it to my roommate Ian, because he was convinced nothing would happen. The conversation was short, but it ended with him telling me to "Destroy her vagina".
Fast forward 6 hours: I wake up in her bed and I reach over and check my phone.
"One new message from Shannon"
Shannon is my 14 year old sister and so I thought "Why the hell is Shannon texting me?"
So I open up the conversation and almost shit my pants.
All it said was "Chris, why is this relevant to me?"
Lo and behold, the aforementioned conversation that ended with "Destroy her vagina" that Ian and I had had before had been a group message with which I had included my little sister.
I don't know how or why I included her in the conversation, but yeah.
My 14 year old sister was included in the drunk conversation between one of my best friends and yeah.
After dying on the inside from embarrassment, I quickly text her back and apologized.
7 hours later and no response back from her.
edit: just talked to her, she had a laugh over it and I feel like a proud big brother because she's at her first homecoming. you go girl.
edit #2: pic of the conversation. http://imgur.com/lPUwegP
abrooks1125: Soooo did you get laid or not? that's far more important.
ohaiimchris: No, I was a drunken idiot and forgot the first rule of going over to a girl's place: always bring a condom.
Sarah-92: TIFU by forgetting the condom
jeddandbreakfast: [IMG]http://i.imgur.com/TIVp2.gif[/IMG]
David_mcnasty: Wrong formatting, in order to link it type [what you want said](link)
jeddandbreakfast: The point is, Im OLD! I dont understand any of this.
olimmai: Dont worry grandpa, you'll get the hang of it.
I am apologize if you really are a grandpa and I just offended you.
fscvatommygundacreep: >I am apologize
Hi, I'm Greg.
HitlersCousinJeremy: /r/dadjokes
| 10 | 72.7 | |
1380298393 | 1380524271 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | poopsonfeet: TIFU dropping my lighter on my foot.
&nbsp;
Ellaya: Must be a pussy if you fucked up by dropping a regular lighter on your foot.
poopsonfeet: I dropped a zippo on my toe while i had bad diharrea from a hangover, jumped, startled myself, shat everywhere, slipped in the shit and fell, puked, then rolled into the shower crying and laughing hysterically
Bazrid: I take it you weren't wearing socks?
poopsonfeet: no socks, but it wouldn't have mattered. i was going down for sure
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1380330473 | 1380354700 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | dddamnsonnn: TIFU by trying to film a fight
I live in a kinda bad neighborhood so sometimes ghetto shit goes on outside. Today two black girls had another one up against a minivan in front of my apartment and they were hitting her in the face over and over. Instead of helping or doing anything my first reaction was to take out my phone and try to film. It ended before I could get my phone out and the beat up girl was crying on the sidewalk for a bit.
I told a girl I've been trying to hook up with what happened and when she asked me why I was trying to film it instead of trying to help the girl I didn't really have an answer...I told her I didn't want to go downstairs. She told me she thought I was better then that and then walked out. I think I blew it guys. I also think I've watched too much worldstarhiphop and it warped my brain.
tl;dr I witnessed a girl get her ass beat and instead of helping i tried filming. Girl I wanna bang thinks I'm scummy for it and now probably wont bang me.
Bazrid: Just be sure to try be more decisive next time. We all need to stop just gawking when shit goes down, myself included. Snap out of disbelief and do something!
dddamnsonnn: I was pretty high so I was kinda slow in my reaction...although in retrospect getting into it probably wasnt a good idea. the beating ended quickly enough and if i tried breaking it up i mightve just ended up being the one getting beat
[deleted]: It was probably a better decision to not get involved. If you don't feel 100% confident in being able to stop it and handle potentially several adversaries at once, don't step in. Especially if it is a rough area.
In addition, filming it is very useful for the victim because they can use it as evidence in court.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1380371763 | 1380442248 | null | t5_2to41 | 677 | aaronthebaron27: TIFU by drunkenly talking to my girlfriends dad
Quick back story. I've known the family for a few years now, every summer and easter break I've been working for them at a kids camp since I was 16 (now 21) they've become more like friends in a lot of ways and the eldest daughter and I have been fond of each other for a while. Fast forward and the daughter and I have now been an item for two years. (drunken hook-up WIN)
So...like every guy courting a girl, I visit the family for the first time, not as a friend but, as a boyfriend. Her mum has loved me for a while now and is incredibly optimistic about it and her dad is simply acknowledging this 'thing'. He's one of these all round great guys, funny, level headed etc but obviously has to keep a bit of a distance when a boyfriend appears on the scene to pluck away one of his three daughters.
The relationship with the family continues pretty much the same for the duration of us being together, mum loves me, sisters love me and dad LIKES me. Which, again, is fair. We have our banter from time to time, take little digs and he know's I'm a huge admirer of his stories. This guy has an ability to turn simple things into the most hilarious antics. He's a master of timing and wit. He's a big guy, 7ft odd, big broad scottish accent and whenever he tells a story he just captivates everyone with his signature smile and winking at people to let them know shits about to go down - meaning he'll be retelling a time of when he has annoyed his wife.
(went off on a tangent there - not so quick background)
So visiting now and again I started to notice that her mum was introducing me to people as 'A friend and a camp helper' Rather than 'Katies boyfriend' which, again, is fine. I was a friend before that but I jokingly bring it up one time at the table and we had a laugh about it.
So, it's summer. I'm back in the small village, where the camp is, where I grew up and where all my high school friends are for the summer break and it's the local festival. It was the Saturday where everything peaks and in the evening everybody heads to the one and only village pub. My friends and I had a barbecue at lunch and so we were well on our way to being more than a little drunk when we stumbled to the pub to meet our other friends. Of course, my girlfriends dad is there. The whole village is, everyone is rubbing up against each other in this tiny pub talking away. I know I'm completely wasted and try my best to avoid eye contact but the only way to get to the rest of our mob was to go past him and hope he didn't want to talk to me. He plucked me as we were walking and this is how it happened.
Gfs Dad : 'Aaron!!! It's good to see you, can I introduce you to my friend Laura?'
Me: 'Hey, good to meet you.'
Gfs Dad: 'This is Katies man friend'
Laura: 'ha, good to meet you'
I was already a tad uncomfortable but...
Gfs Dad: 'Or should I say...the boy who's shagging Katie!'
This is when it hit me. I have genuinely never been so speechless. It was like one of those movie scenes where a dude is about to get run over and his life flashes in front of him but instead of my life it was every time I had had sex with this guys daughter! In her bed, in my bed, in the shower...all flashing in front of me and I'm just standing dumb struck, Laura's cackling and the Dad is looking at me with this big beaming smile, eyes fixed and looking for an answer. He's touched upon something I feel should go unspoken between a man and his daughters bf and here he is bringing it up!
Me: 'Well...yeah...ahu...'
I was dumbstruck and yet he was still looking at me for a genuine answer. So, as any drunken idiot in that position would do, I mustered up some words I knew I would regret and said 'I do it well' Meeting his eyes. I stared right at the floor after that and walked away.
A couple of days later I popped by to see her and had to wait a little for her to come home so I sat in the living room watching television, her dad came in and we both stared at the tv in silence.
I think we both fucked up tbh.
MrDaddy: Sounds like nobody in this story has any social maturity, at all...
hocktag: Have you ever tried alcohol
MrDaddy: Everything about the situation is retarded. The fact that the father all of a sudden treats this kid he's know for years differently because he's started seeing his daughter, the fact that nobody has the ability to confront the clearly awkward situation, the fact that they both stepped over some social boundaries while drunk and now can't talk to each other... This is not how adults behave.
hocktag: I bet you're great fun at parties
MrDaddy: What gives you that impression?
hocktag: Although a little awkward, it seams to me that conversation was light hearted and in jest. Not some inappropriate conversation worthy of such a response from you.
MrDaddy: meh, fuq u.
| 8 | 84.625 | |
1380321371 | 1380556063 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | driftsc: TIFU: 27 Mins Ago
I do graphics where I work.
Production dept came to me 2 weeks ago telling me we needed to order some Labels for our products, we were running low, they had enough to finish the current project but needed 60,000 additional labels. We also had a design change.
We're supposed to ship 6k of our product once a month, but they've been shipping 12k a month. So when they told me they were out (i ordered 30k last time, 6 month supply) I didn't believe them, i told them that they should have enough.
Well, they didn't they had a roll of labels, but for a different customer. The current customer ordered 12k more today. Business has been slow, so we need the business, but we can't get the labels for 3-4 weeks. By that time we'll be 36k short, and the product we sell costs $.90 each. We get our labels made in Germany, we are in the US.
Good thing the Boss only flipped out for 2 mins, then said that we need to solve the issue by contacting vendors to see if we can expedite our order, and contact the customer and let them know. I had that planned, but i figured i'd let my boss know.
Expediting orders and shipment from Germany is gonna cost $$.
Fuck.
trafalmadorians: You have a good boss....
driftsc: Yea, i do. When it comes to the slow months, he cuts his pay to make sure employees get paid.
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1380397483 | 1381708749 | null | t5_2to41 | 72 | resurgida: TIFU by asking my aunt if she would smoke pot if it was legal.
So, I was at my aunt's house last night. We were very relaxed after a quite long typing session I had - she's quite slow with computers and needed someone to type in some of her stuff so she could send it via e-mail to her students.
As we were preparing a barbecue, I asked her if she would be interested in trying weed if it was legal. I thought it wouldn't be bad asking that, since she's a teacher and quite open minded. I was WRONG.
She became so upset and automatically thought I was a /dealer/ and told me that she would tell my dad. I tried to calm her the fuck down, and I told her I eventually enjoy smoking it, but that I didn't sell it, for God's sake. At least, I'm not going to jail...
Funny fact: I'm 24 years old! I work, I live on my own, pay my own bills... why would she tell my Dad as if I was a kid?
Fecesofwar: If she believes marijuana to be dangerous or that you're addicted, it makes sense she'd tell your parents. If I thought a friend had a bad drug or alcohol problem I'd tell their family, too.
resurgida: I know! But I did tell her that I'm not addicted at all... She started to talk about how adicted people deny their condition.
My Dad doesn't know yet (he's travelling right now). I will have to tell him and maybe my sis that I smoke every now and then, before my crazy aunt tells him.
johnknoefler: Don't tell anyone. And learn how to be a man and stand up for yourself. It was just a question. There's something wrong with that woman. Vindictive and paranoid doesn't even cover it all.
resurgida: Yeah, I think you are right. It's just that I'm so used to explain myself every time something's confusing...
johnknoefler: Sure. If something slips out you explain yourself. Then you are done. If they don't accept it then move on.
My Grandmother once accused me of breaking into her car because she caught me smoking a few days earlier. She claimed that anyone who would smoke would do anything. Seriously? She was dead serious.
I had to be a detective to find out what happened with her car and why she accused me. She let it go but didn't apologize or even admit she was very wrong.
Turns out she hired some stupid kid who was wandering the neighborhood looking for lawns or something to do to make a bit of cash and when he was done washing her car he left the retractable sunroof open. So therefore someone broke into her car. I got the blame even though I wasn't even around the house at the time.
And you're a pot addicted drug dealer because you tried to sell weed to your aunt. Right.
resurgida: It seems that some people just can't think straight... I find it quite hilarious when it's not happening to me.
Fortunately, all this drama with my aunt silently faded.
johnknoefler: Of course it faded. The one nice thing with people that are mentally unbalanced or unstable is that usually if you let it go and don't mention something again, the issue will fade and they will find a new focus. Just make sure it's not you. Of course there are those that are obsessed. They are rare but if they lock onto a person it can go on for years. Once again, complete lack of a response will usually cool them off after awhile.
| 8 | 9 | |
1380405250 | 1380444450 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | charliebeanz: TIFU by not looking through the peephole.
So there's this kid (I think he's like 20) who's a Baptist church missionary who has stopped by my apartment a few times now while he was going around my complex inviting people to his church. He's a nice kid and he can carry a conversation, so when he's in the neighborhood I invite him in for coffee. Today, I was supposed to babysit my best friend's kids, and I was expecting her to come by any minute. I had been cleaning up around the house and playing Usher from my phone when someone knocked on the door right around the time the chorus started. So, expecting my friend, my dumbass self opens the door yelling "[HEY DADDY](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pD8mxge6kek)!" aaaaaaaaaaaaand it was the church kid. His face was just... ugh. He looked so uncomfortable and I felt like a huge idiot.
TL;DR: I'm never getting invited to church again.
Cursed_Sun: Just clicked on the youtube link, this was on the comments:
"So I was playing this song today while I was waiting for my friend to come over, and when the doorbell rang, I answered it going "HEY DADDY!" thinking it was my friend, but it was a kid from the local church who goes around inviting people to services. Talk about aaaaaaaaawkward. "
I'm guessing that either you two people are actually one person, one of you has copied the other or coincidences really do happen.
charliebeanz: That would be me. I posted that not long before I posted here, but I'll be deleting it now, since it's my full name. Thanks for pointing that out, I forgot about it.
Cursed_Sun: Edit: I'm an idiot when I wake up... No problem.
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1380417674 | 1380421542 | null | t5_2to41 | 82 | tealcanon: TIFU With youtube TVQueue
On this dreary and lonely night, I decided to look up 'porn' on 'youtube'
(yeah, porn on youtube... good job)
I eventually found something graphic, and decided to watch it, but I pressed TVQUEUE and it played on my dads 52 inch plasma with surround sound.
He is still giving me the look to this minute...
tldr; gave my dad youtube porn on his tv
[deleted]: Did he fap?
[deleted]: op pls...
| 3 | 27.333333 | |
1380396068 | 1380463167 | null | t5_2to41 | 89 | Dende1127: TIFU by moaning at work
So I work as the weekend manager for a project HP is doing. Weekends tend to be very slow so occasionally I come in a little hungover from the night before. The two agents I am in charge of are good friends of mine who go out as well, we still get our jobs done efficiently.
Well today was like any other weekend morning. I get in at 8 greet everyone go to my desk and start munching on my breakfast burrito. I send some emails and give the agents some busywork. I tried catching up on some emails but I guess I drifted off to sleep for a bit because what I woke up to is priceless. I have both agents staring at me in WTF mode and all I can think is "how loud did I fart" but then the faces made complete sense. I had been having I guess a pretty good dream because they said I made a couple of pleasurable moaning noises.
I really hope they dont say anything, we laughed about it and everything but you know how people are.
TL;DR Went to work hungover, fell asleep, woke up to freaked out coworkers because I was moaning in my sleep.
WarChiefManCock: "we still get our jobs done efficiently" totally just covering your ass lol
benzoic: Seems efficient to get paid to sleep. You can use your off hours to get wasted.
I'm kidding. I think this is behavior that will get you fired in any professional setting. If you can get away with it, that's cool, I guess.
Dende1127: During the week when the office is filled, yes this would get me either fired, or give everyone there a good laugh.
Half the reason I go into work hungover is because my bosses have me go out and drink with them. this would be fine if they would let me leave at 11pm like I always try, just doesnt work out that way. you would have to work with them to understand.
benzoic: Not to sound like Mr. McJudgy but that just makes it unprofessional for more people than just you. Also, going out drinking with the bosses to the point where you are getting a hangover.. Well.. In the US, that means your company would be liable if you did something on the way home like kill someone with a car. It doesn't have to be just that, though.
But I'm just being a complete downer. I just wanted to provide a little bit of the outside point of view.
Dende1127: You obviously have never had outside of work relationships with people above you. We take taxis, and we dont kill people.
benzoic: Looking forward to your next TIFU. ;)
| 7 | 12.714286 | |
1380421346 | 1380729722 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | Ididntmakethisforyou: TIFU by telling my bi-polar, depressed, possibly suicidal roommate to kill herself.
Welp. I'm an asshole. I am in my second year of college and my this is my second week living with this roommate. She is really open with her problems. I am not. Over the course of the last two weeks she has told me that she was recently diagnosed with anxiety, depression, as being bipolar, OCD, and she suffered a mental break down a few months ago. She likes to talk about these problems A LOT. I am much more on the introverted side, and when I am recharging, I don't like to be talked to, so it's really setting me on edge to have her talking my ear off 24/7.
Today she decided she didn't "feel like eating" and she decided to talk about it the whole fucking day. She had to mention this every half hour or so to each of the 4 other roommates, and ask stuff like "Is it weird that i'm not hungry? I haven't eaten since breakfast. I hope I don't die or something haha"
I said "Look. It's college. The great thing about college is that no one makes you do anything. Eat when you want to. Don't eat when you don't to. If you want to die, DIE."
and she said something like "haha wow that got really dark really fast..." and I instantly felt like the biggest bitch ever. I don't even really know what to say. I'm still pissed at her, and I still think she's annoying as hell, but I also think what I said what pretty awful.
update; i borrowed a tampon from this roommate out of a little pouch she kept next to the bath and found a huge chef's knife. We held an intervention and I was the only one to say "how about we get the KNIFE out of the BATHROOM"
haleymay: I'd she truly is bipolar- it seems that she isn't balanced and you may be suffering the consequences of her being somewhat manic or on an upswing. Since she is so open-maybe you should try to talk to her about it. Her behavior is affecting you- and she may not be aware that her mood is cycling/swinging since it sounds like she's newly diagnosed. If you feel like she is really manic (beyond a reasonable doubt) you may want to contact health services- or a counselor to help you confront her with the situation. Do you know if she has a counselor. These mental issues are no joke- and she can't really help parts of it. This doesn't mean she is any less human- we all have our shit- she's just new to dealing with it-and her talking in incessantly all day is a warning sign that her mood is swinging or unbalanced.
Ididntmakethisforyou: thank you. This is really good advice. She does have a counselor. I've done my best to help her how I know how. I told her that "although getting diagnosed may seem like the end of the world, it just means that you can get help for a problem that was already there. a diagnosis doesn't change anything." The problem is, that for all the talking she does, she doesn't like to do much listening. I don't feel like she really hears what I say when I do talk to her.
haleymay: Yeah- that is really common in a manic person... If she isn't on meds she needs to be. She sounds like she needs more treatment than she is getting. :( hope things get better- if not you may consider moving. Your health is just as important so if it's affecting you negatively you might want to find a new place.
| 4 | 7.75 | |
1380440723 | 1380481369 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,433 | JC08: TIFU with random acts of pizza
I posted to random acts of pizza because I felt at wits end because I hadn't eaten in two days and some one was nice enough to order my a 12 inch pepperoni pizza!
I got so excited and gave my savior my information and waited. I waited and waited and it seemed like it was taking a while and then I get a phone call...the person who was kind enough to help me. The pizza guy had been ditzing around on my street for 20 minutes because I gave the wrong building number and it's fucking raining!
God damn I feel fucking dumb I'm trying to apologize for being stupid and I got the feeling that the person who helped me didn't want to hear any of it. I went out and found the guy and I couldn't even tip him because I'm so broke I can barely handle getting free shit clearly.
I get back, rain soaked, into my apartment and try sending my savior a message apologizing for being a dumb fuck and no response.
Overall, I feel humiliated because a random stranger decided to try to help me and I made their life harder due to my fucking mistake. For me, asking for help is hard and over all I feel like a loser for screwing it up.
I had to get that off my chest. I'm trying to practice self compassion and I don't know how I am going to feel compassion for myself over this blunder.
Sometimes_Lies: Take a deep breath and eat the pizza. Not eating can screw with your blood sugar and impact your mood drastically, so you might feel a bit better with some food in you.
Realistically, there is nothing you can do here besides explain and apologize. You may be able to do more in the future, if you choose to, but for now you've probably done all you can. Remember who helped you and maybe find a way to tip the delivery guy a few weeks or months down the line when you can afford to do so, but really, what else can you do?
Seriously though, eat a bit first, then try to calm down.
ps, depending on what your diet for the last month or two has been like, you might want to be careful with how fast you eat. In particular, if you haven't been able to afford meat in quite some time, you might be in for a fun surprise once it hits your stomach.
JC08: Ok you're right on all fronts.
I wolfed down the pizza and I do feel a bit better. I hate having any debts and I hate having people inconvenienced from helping me more. I saw this saying once that said, "Today you, tomorrow me." I've decided I am going to pass it on when I can, but I want my savior to know that it wasn't intentional.
Thanks for the reply. It really makes me feel better.
naryn: Also, swallow your pride and go to a food shelter or something, if you're going 2 days without eating it can be pretty serious
JC08: No you're right. I filed for the EBT food stamps here in my state and my benefits got cut off which means I gotta find a way to get to the office where I originally filed for my card. Naturally, I didn't file at the downtown office. I filed at the other office that I could bike to in about a hour. And I don't have a bike anymore. So I am going to be figuring out a way to get there. Believe you me friend.
wraith313: Why did your benefits get cut off, out of curiosity?
Edit: I only ask because it sounds like you might actually be at risk of starving to death.
JC08: Well they don't give you a reason and it happens behind the scenes. What happens is that every couple of months they'll do something behind the scenes to either extend your benefits or to let them run out.
It's funny because I know a few people who got their benefits extended this past cycle. I guess whomever was reviewing me decided I didn't need it anymore. I have to go in there with two recent pay stubs. However, I do free lance work so I'm going to bring in the most recent proof of payment.
wraith313: I tried to get unemployment through my state after I was fired because of lies. They fired me because they said I stole a soda when I didn't. I obtained the camera footage (literally a camera pointing right at the fridge with the sodas) and witnesses (2 who corroborate my story) and filed for unemployment and they told me it doesn't matter what evidence I have I was denied.
I have zero faith in the system (at least in VA). Good luck though. I hope it works out for you.
JC08: Oh man I am sorry to hear that. This next part is my opinion and any evidence supporting it is flimsy at best, but I think these centers look for reasons to deny or cut benefits because it's less money that the State has to pay out. What do you think?
Also, thank you. The biggest problem is getting there. That's for sure.
wraith313: I really don't know. The woman I spoke to sounded foreign and I couldn't really understand her. Also, they were supposed to have a three way phone call with my employer and I about it. Instead, they called my employer and heard their entire side and then called me after in what felt like a trial. Also, I was told I couldn't go to the office for a face to face meeting.
I think the problem is twofold: the people working at the place who decide this stuff don't give a shit at all about us or their job, and there are shitloads of people who are practically professionals at gaming the system and getting free stuff. I have seen people living in houses four times as big as mine, driving cadillacs, and throwing money around and then paying for their food with food stamps and collecting unemployment checks. I KNOW they have jobs and money coming in but they get the stuff anyway.
meanwhile people like you or I who were wrongfully terminated or are literally starving can't get money because we don't know exactly how the game works.
Edit: Also, I agree with you. Statistics kinda support it a little bit too. But I believe that almost all "first level" people are denied for everything and then they may get something on appeal. It happens a LOT with disability and social security. They deny almost everyone disability, including people who OBVIOUSLY need it. I have seen guys get denied who can't even use their legs.
JC08: That's horrible! I'm sorry it went down like it did. Actually when I was 18 I worked at Circuit City and I quit a couple days before they declared bankruptcy. I missed out on unemployment dammit!
I agree. Here in Chicago I've seen people getting the EBT food and EBT cash and apparently they get free cell phone or something and they make money selling weed. What a life right.
I fucked up going to the Skokie office. I should of went to the downtown one, but I fucked up.
wraith313: You live in Chicago? What part? My friend lives up there....I forget exactly where. I just remember train stop names.
JC08: I live in Rogers Park! It's not a bad spot.
JinxTactix: Oh good, specifics! :) Also, I don't see this one on that list I gave you, so there's that.
http://www.ajustharvest.org/get-food/
JC08: Thank you for this.
Hey guys. Thanks for all the support. I decided how I am going to get back to the EBT Office and I'm going to care of that asap. What I am going to do once I get the food stamps settled I'm going to use my crockpot to cook chicken, brown rice, and cream of mushroom and I'm going to send pics to you guys.
I take this stuff seriously and I swear I will pass on the kindness. You have broken my cynical shell :)
| 15 | 95.533333 | |
1380439947 | 1380459949 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by playing GTA
Ok so this is a kinda long story so tl:dr at the bottom for the lazy. Also, this may not fit exactly in this subreddit but it was the best place I could think of posting.
So some background before I get into it. I'm a college student and have just finished two very busy weeks. I work for a tech company to pay for school. The job entails me staying up overnight and watching a computer to make sure nothing goes wrong with our systems. The job can be extremely boring some nights, so I often read, play video games, etc. during work.
Any ways, it's friday night and I'm covering a shift for a girl I work with. One of the many perks of my job is that I get to work from home. It's been an extremely slow night so I decide to finally get in to GTA V. It's 9:30 and my roommate grabs his keys and is about to leave. I ask him if he is going out to get food. He responds telling me, "I'm going to the airport to pick up this girl from Tennessee."
His parents live in Tennessee so I'm guessing that's how they met. He goes on to explain that she is gonna be staying here over the weekend. Now, I have no problem with people coming over and staying the night. In fact, we both invite people to crash at our place instead of going home after a night of heavy partying, but I feel like I deserved some warning if he had a girl flying in to stay the weekend with him. If he did warn me, I would have taken the weekend to go visit my parents or something. Since I'm currently working, I have no choice but to stay. I tell him this and he says he doesn't mind.
He leaves and I pop in GTA. I'm having a blast when he returns with girl. He walks in and talks to me for a couple of min about the game. All the girl says is hi. Now I knew what was probably gonna happen. It's not like this was the first time any of us has had a girl over, but about 45 min later, I start hearing "OH YEAH, UH OH YEAH, OH YEAH CREW_DAREY'S ROOMMATE." I pause the game and check to make sure I wasn't just hearing things, I wasn't.
I step out onto the balcony to smoke a cigarette (terrible habit I know), in the hopes that it will all be over by the time I'm done. I come in and continue the game. A few min later, I hear it again. At this point I'm feeling pretty uncomfortable. I send a text telling my roommate, "God damn it man I'm just trying to play some GTA" in the hopes that he will understand when he reads it. I proceed to turn off the game and go to my room, put on headphones and listen to some music while finishing up the rest of my shift.
The next morning, I'm back in living room continuing GTA (I had work in a few hours so there really wasn't any point in going out), and they come out. My roommate tells me that they are going out. Whatever I think, later they come back and hang out at the apartment. The girl seems nice so I kinda get over it.
As the afternoon turns into night, the proceed to start drinking, my beer... I don't saying anything, deciding that it would be wrong to bring it up in front of a guest. It's another slow night at work so I am continuing my game of GTA. My roommate is throughly drunk and decides to go to bed. I think nothing of it.
A few minutes later, I begin to hear the new Daft Punk album (which I adore, I wrote a glowing review for my schools radio station). I think nothing of it and continue with my game. I begin to hear the same thing as last night coming from his room, only this time is was much, much louder. At this point, I am becoming very angry. He had giving me no warning that this girl was coming over, by the time he had told me, it was too late fro me to leave that apartment, and I felt like I was clear with my text the previous night. And most importantly, EVERY TIME I LISTEN TO THAT ALBUM I WILL BE REMINDED OF HIM HAVING SEX WITH AN EXTREMELY UNATTRACTIVE GIRL THAT HE HAD FLY IN FROM FUCKING TENNESSEE. I repeat my solution from the night before, except that I can still hear her in my room (no headphones yet).
She leaves tomorrow morning and I hope to give him complete hell after.
tl;dr: My roommate flies a girl in from Tennessee for the weekend and they have loud sex every night while I'm in the living room trying to play GTA V.
Also, Roommate, if you are reading this, fuck you.
an_ill_mallard: You're a fuckwit, mate. All I got from this is that you're angry that your friend is getting laid while you're pissing around playing games by yourself, and you're too scared to speak up when someone takes your property. Loooooooosssseerr. Fuck I feel bad for your roommate, trying to have sex while his spergin roommate is texting him from the next room crying about his precious video games.
DonnyLamson: "This isn't the first time we've had a girl over". If what he said is true, why the hell would he be mad? Also, he's busy with work I guess, so he finally got to play GTA V. Then the sex noises are making him uncomfortable so he tries waiting it out, when that doesn't work he asks him to not be so loud. That doesn't work. The beer he lets go because there was a guest and it would be rude to make a stink about it. My question is why did you go and have to be an asshole?
an_ill_mallard: Come on. Seriously. Read his post again, he's crying about hearing people having sex and his entire post reads like he's a little gremlin crouched in the lounge over his precious xbox or whatever, awkwardly uncomfortable about his rad, pussy smashing roommate.
| 4 | 1 | |
1380483847 | 1380674120 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,107 | throwawayfwearf: TIFU by ruining my life
Hi, before we get things started I'd like you guys to know that I'm a sixteen year old male. A few months ago my girlfriend of over a year ago attempted to kill herself by taking every pill (over 100) she had. After she OD'd, she sent out a mass goodbye text and called me. I called an ambulance and she ended up in the hospital for two weeks. I visited her everyday and at first it was really horrid because she couldn't talk and she spent 90% of the time crying, trying to say something, or sleeping. It sucked. Anyways the whole suicide thing taught me that life is short and ends unexpectedly, and this, of course, inspired me to do dumbass stuff just because. After her two weeks in the hospital she was sent to a mental hospital for two more weeks. I personally think that she should have been there for longer but there really wasn't anything I could do about that situation. She came back and on her birthday I borrowed my parents car in the middle of the night and visited her. I don't have my drivers license. That was my first time driving on a road. I had to drive twenty minutes to get to her house. She was sleeping outside in a tent because the cabin her family was renting was horribly tiny. I entered the tent and woke her up. We talked, kissed, cuddled, and had sex. It was the first time both of us had had sex. It was okay. After that I drove back to my house and went to sleep. Then the next night I did it again, and I did it the night after that. On the last night of my adventure I got arrested. I didn't tell her I got arrested. I got pulled over for not stopping entirely before turning on a steady red. It was horrible. I was put in the back of a police car and my parents were called. thankfully I wasn't put in jail but I had to court in a month ish. Flash forward a month ish and I just got out of court. Me and my girlfriend broke up because she wanted an open relationship and I didn't. She was about to move to another state for the winter so I met up with her right after I got out of court. We talk and stuff. Then she tells me she missed her period. Her period was missed. By eight days. We talk about it and stuff. She's getting a pregnancy test today. I hate myself. I never used to be like this. I might of just ruined her and mine's life. I hate myself for everything. I'm the worst child my parents know. I'm 16 and I might be having a child. I'm really afraid that people in her other state are going to call her a whore and a slut. I wish this never happened. I'm really sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm crying now. Bye.
ttyl; Stole a car; got arrested. Fucked my girlfriend; got pregnant.
CAHooptie: You'll be OK. I thought you were going to tell us you were driving drunk, and killed her.
Make sure you never have unprotected sex again, unless you specifically intend on having a baby.
duckglass: and dont push an abortion if she is already suicidal.
or you could try to hit 2 birds with 1 stone, but ill leave that up to you.
Thus_Spoke: Yeah, instead, convince a suicidal girl to bring a child into the world at age 16. Great fucking idea.
neko_loliighoul: Or instead let her choose what she wants to do for herself? Life isnt so fuckung black and white so I'm not sure why you automatically swung to the other extreme
The_Homestarmy: This isn't a decision of just her or just him.
ShitEagle: Yes it is
Ronry: Her parents have to consent to abortion because she's a minor.
ShitEagle: No they don't
Ronry: Since when? I don't agree with it, but last I checked, that was law.
ShitEagle: No it's not
Ronry: Please stop with the three word replies and provide some sources.
ShitEagle: Please fist me
Ronry: That can be arranged.
| 14 | 79.071429 | |
1380492782 | 1380639755 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | payneforpleasure: YIFU by removing my sd card
Long story short, last year I bought a new camera because I wanted to start photography. Fast foward last week, a friend found my pictures really interesting, he asked me if I wanted to be his dedicated photographer for a punk music festival (taking place yesterday).
So I said yes, it could be a jump start for a certain career in photography. Anyway, I was doing it just for fun.
So I had two sd card (8go each), and when the first as been fulled, I switched with the empty one. The only thing I forgot was to turn my fucking camera off during the switch. So I woke up this morning, made coffee, ate my breakfast and put the first card in the computer slot. SD card went on RAW mode. Result : about 250 pictures lost.
I tried all day long different possibilities to recover the data, nothing. The closest I got was 9 files measuring around 400mo to 1.1go each, all files are interfered.
I want to die.
And sorry for my poor english.
jbondhus: Can you message me? I might be able to help you out.
payneforpleasure: Hey thanks for your help, but today I sent my card to a laboratory, they gonna make a diagnostic and charge something between $150 and $840 depending on the cause of the crash.
edit : I should start a business in this very lucrative industry.
jbondhus: I could probably have gotten it off for free. Making a clone of the card to a file would have been safe and you could still send it off, yet I could reflash the clone to another SD card or work directly off of it with no risk of damage.
payneforpleasure: wow! I did a image (.dmg) of the card. I'll pm you for info.
| 5 | 5.6 | |
1380482636 | 1380602171 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally disturbing an insect nest.
It's a beautiful day outside so I decided maybe it would be a good day to go into the woods and chill by the creek. I grab my machete and backpack and decide to go through the woods on my property. Due to the thick foliage of my woods I use my machete in order to clear a path, since the path isn't exactly set in such a way that I can travel back easily. I have to climb over stuff in order to get back to the creek.
So while i'm hacking away at branches and various plants to clear a path, I must have stepped on some sort of insect nest. I felt something sting the back of my neck and it left a sharp pain, something stung my arm as well. It took me a few seconds to realize I had been stung by something. I backed away and screamed "SHIT!" and then took off running. I had a quick glance of what these insects were, which I believe were either bees or some kind of hornet. I'm not 100% sure, which is why I put "insect nest" in the title. I didn't stick around to find out since I had already been stung twice.
After I get back home my neck and arm were starting to sting. I took some pain meds and checked for stingers, there were no stingers so I guess I'm okay for now. I'm not having an allergic reaction otherwise I wouldn't be here typing this. I put some ointment on the stings as well, which has helped a little bit. As of right now, I fucking hate hornets/bees.
So yeah, that's how I fucked up today. My situation awareness was piss poor if I didn't realize there was an insect nest nearby. Thanks for reading.
alvyn07: Ouch I feel your pain there. Squad mate walked right into a man sized hornet nest in the middle of jungle survival training in Brunei. Had to call in for a helicopter evacuation because his throat seized up and he was shaking. :/
strngsvlmstng96: Which country's army were you training for?
alvyn07: Singapore!
| 4 | 3 | |
1380495280 | 1380498866 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | [deleted]: TIFU by going hiking
Went on a hiking trip today with several people from work, including one of my best friends. It's all fun driving up the mountain, but then we start actually hiking and it became clear that the "trail" was actually about a 45 degree, mile long climb. That's a problem.
You see, I'm fat. Originally weighed about 400, currently down to about 350, but still fat. And after less than 10 minutes it's pretty clear that this hill might just give me a coronary. So we paused for a minute, and I made some joke about being too fat for hiking and told them to go on. They offered to let me set the pace, but I was already incredibly embarrassed and didn't want to make things worse by going up the mountain at a crawl holding all of them back (and I'm not sure I could have even made it to the top in any reasonable time). One of them offered to stay with me, but again I told them to go on.
So, off they went, and I climbed a bit more until I found a decent overlook, and sat down there. And I sat there for an hour, waiting for them to come back. An hour, stewing in the embarrassment of being too fat to keep up. An hour, revisiting the self loathing towards my fat self that I've felt for a long time. For the first 30 minutes or so I was very depressed, then I started getting angry. Mainly at myself, but hey, anger has a way of flowing out.
Eventually they came back and asked me how things were, and I responded with a snide comment about staring the mountains being the best day of my life. Walked back down in silence, got in the car to drive home, and then the "fun" really began. The road up to the parking spot was a long, curvy, dirt road, and I was flying down it at breakneck speed, trying to take some of my anger out on the car. Nobody said anything, but maybe that's because I somehow managed to avoid killing us all.
After we got back on the normal highways my driving somewhat went back to normal, but I still sat there staring at the road and not saying a word, ignoring the few comments that were made in my direction. 30 minutes later though, by the time we were getting back to civilization, I started feeling guilty about acting like a dick.
We went to the grocery store to because we were going to get supplies for dinner. I had a minute with my friend, and asked her something to the effect of how much of an asshole I had been acting like. She of course replied that I had been one, and I tried to say something about how I'd spent an hour hating myself, and... nothing. She didn't say a word. Well damn. I'm not sure was I was really expecting, but I was hoping for some kind of expression of concern or sympathy or whatever.
Well, that silence gave me a one way ticket to the black pit. I took them all back to the house of the guy hosting, told my friend to find another ride home (she was supposed to come with me), and left. I got home and stewed for a few minutes before sending my friend an angry text about how she'd ignored me. Well, she said that she'd replied that I shouldn't feel that way about myself and I had never answered. I honestly never heard her say anything, but she does speak softly sometimes so I could have easily missed it. I sent more angry replies, she sent some angry replies, and though I did finally realize how stupid I was being and sent a sort of apologetic message, she hasn't replied in over an hour now. I hope there is enough substance behind our friendship so that my stupidity won't kill it, but Reddit, today I fucked up.
tl;dr: Too fat to climb mountain, get angry, reckless driving, angry texting with a good friend.
sukit_tribeck: Just to settle personal curiosity, what is the age range of this group?
[deleted]: Early 20s.
sukit_tribeck: Aight. Makes sense then.
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1380501501 | 1381780290 | null | t5_2to41 | 78 | [deleted]: TIFU By giving into a bully.
I'll be the first to admit, I've never been in a fight. Ever. I don't like confrontation. Which is probably why I got bullied a lot in high school, I never want to escalate things. But last night I got fed up.
It was 1 am and myself and a friend of mine were riding the bus home from a concert (iron & wine, such a great concert). When a group of clearly underage drunks came on the bus. They began to do what any normal group of idiots on a bus would do, which is not know if the bus they are getting on is the right one and not have enough money for it anyways. The driver lets them on as my friend and I glance down to see what the hell was taking so long.
That's when the private pyle looking thug of the group came over to my friend and started yelling about "why ya starin' at me bro" and "you wan to go". Me and my friend stare back silently enraged as he begins to go onto the natural progression of any drunk confrontation, spout homophobia (I'm not gay and I wouldn't care if someone sincerely asked me if I was, it just grinds my gears that people resort to it in the form of an insult). He continues on his train of thought about beating and dick sucking, when he says "when you get off, I'm going to come after you", at which point I say "I'll just be getting off on your mom later."
Remember when I said that I hadn't gotten in a fight before? Well, if I had gotten in a fight before I would probably know that it is difficult to defend yourself when you're sitting down and the other person is standing in front of you with their arms already up.
**CRACK**
He hits me with a haymaker, breaking my nose instantly. My buddy tries to help, but this guys in full hulkamania. Luckily we were near a hospital at the time, and I was able to deal with a broken nose.. after a 7 hour wait. They didn't find the guy, but I don't really care. Actually I'm normally a pretty negative guy, but I felt pretty good today.
TLDR: I've got a smart mouth and slow hands.
knuckleduster: That probibly would have thrown me into a blind rage that left him KOed on the side of the road. ( I'v never been in a fight either, i'm just 6'5"
[deleted]: Just because you're tall doesn't mean you can fight. Source: I'm 6'5" too
[deleted]: I second this.
Source: man, I thought only I was 6'5"
[deleted]: /r/tall - we're shorties over there.
| 5 | 15.6 | |
1380499354 | 1380814834 | null | t5_2to41 | 85 | whorecrux: TIFU by making my cat into a vomit comit
[Culprit | Name: Blizzard, Age: 15, Animal: Cat](http://i.imgur.com/rTXQB3F.jpg)
My cat, Blizzard, has been sick for the past few months, going from having a tooth problem and not eating anything to eating everything in site after having some medication. Unfortunately, she has gotten hooked on wet food, which of course has a terrible smell. Yesterday she ate a full can and was hungry two hours later, so I gave her half of a full-sized can of her favorite flavor and went to bed.
Just as I was getting ready to fall asleep with Blizzard curled up beside me, I hear the dreaded sound of a cat throwing up. You might know the sound, the *hyukkk*, *hyukkk*, *hyuuuukk* with the horrible motions that go along with it.
In my sleepy state, I pushed her off of the bed with my foot as she was upchucking some Frisky's Delights. Immediately I felt vomit all over me. Pink, watery, smelly, cat vomit. I gingerly turned on the lights, and it was everywhere.
On my *bedspread*. On my *clothes*. In my *hair*. On my *shoes*. On my *floor*. On my *pillow*.
I tried to clean it up with some PineSol, but now my room just smells like Chicken and Salmon Dinner in Gravy mixed with pine needles. I'll deal with it later.
Yuuichi_Trapspringer: Hyuuk... hyuuuuuk....hyuuaaarhgh...
I hate that sound!
Chimie45: Every cat owner knows the feeling of your stomach dropping when you hear that noise from the other room.
[deleted]: nothing will get me off the couch faster.
RGBacon: It's the worst like in OP's story, when you're sleeping. Having a nice dream only to be woken up to that sound.
Nope.
[deleted]: I've not had the pleasure...If my cat ever puked at night it was far away because I was in a full sized house. (only in college right now)
| 6 | 14.166667 | |
1380498882 | 1380544694 | null | t5_2to41 | 1 | MissMap: TIFU.... No, a lot of you guys have and shame on you for it!
[deleted]: I actually agree with this and fuck all you who down voted it, but hey, it's just Reddit karma anyway, it's not like it matters. I hope someone actually listens to this post...
MissMap: I knew it would be down voted but as long as people see it and take note, thats all that matters.
[deleted]: Agreed
| 4 | 0.25 | |
1380504453 | 1380680959 | null | t5_2to41 | 180 | throwaway123969568: TIFU by ruining the last year I had with my girlfriend in High School
TL;DR: There's a time and a place for sexy-times. A school is never the place, no matter the time.
Context: I, along with my girlfriend, were both some of the most trusted and well-respected students in our high school. We tutor every day, we ace all our classes, and the like.
Last Thursday was one of those miraculous days where both of us were in heat. The entire day we had to fight the urge to just, you know, do it.
Flash-forward to the end of Thursday. We're both tutoring for our English class and all the class is doing is reading so we both decide to leave for a bit and stroll around.
As we're strolling around the campus we notice that one of the classrooms has been left unlocked... Holy shit. This is a 17 year old's wet dream. I go in and check if anyone is in. Nobody is. Both of us then sneak in and hot sexy-times occur.
Not 5 minutes in we hear the door rattle.
Shit.
It's a neighboring teacher coming in to find some staples. He asks what we were doing here and we just play it off as if we're looking for a specific book for our tutoring class. The teacher doesn't bat an eye and continues to look for some staples while my gf and I split as soon as we could (with the phony book in hand), counting our blessings.
Now we're in the hallway, still very much in heat, with a book that isn't ours. In our infinite wisdom we decide to ask another neighboring teacher for her keys under the pretense of returning a book we forgot about. The nice teacher hands us the keys.
We then proceed back into the room, return the book, and look at each other with lustful eyes. Hardcore sexytimes proceed.
Flash-forward another 10 minutes and there I am, my hands down my gf's pants, hers in mine, as our janitor walks in.
We hastily stop, and leave. Not saying a word to the janitor who has this face of disgust and disappointment.
That concludes Thursday.
Flash-forward one more time to Friday morning. My gf and I are hanging out in the morning, waiting for our classes to start when we get asked by our dean to meet him in his office. We assume he's going to ask us to help him file paperwork or something. The thought that we our janitor had ratted us out didn't even cross our minds.
All of Friday was one big fustercluck of meetings with our dean, our college counselor, and our principal. Culminating at the end of the day with our parent-meetings.
The short of it is, that all of them were not angry at us. Just disappointed and ashamed. In my gf's parent meeting she divulged what we had done... everything we had done.
I was threatened with suspension, with expulsion, even arrest (luckily she was honest and made it clear that the act was consensual and mutual).
The only repercussions are that I am now strictly prohibited from making any form of contact (physical or otherwise) with my girlfriend while on campus, for the rest of the year. Both of us are barred from any senior activities, and the worst of it is, I have to face all of my teachers (who undoubtedly have been told the entire thing by now) tomorrow.
[deleted]: At least you didn't stick a pencil down your penis or steal your parents car and drive without a license to have sex with your suicidal girlfriend - then get arrested and find out she is pregnant.
My god, here I am stressing out about taking a quiz tomorrow
Junglerman: same quiz as me?
CrabCow: I have to take a quiz too, logically we must all be in the same class.
ndecker: I have 2 exams tomorrow :(
juicylips336: I just paid my bills...
ndecker: I have to pay rent tomorrow.
[deleted]: I don't want to do my homework…
| 8 | 22.5 | |
1380508695 | 1380556734 | null | t5_2to41 | 461 | arandomguy452: TIFU by Shoving a Mechanical pencil down my Urethra VERY NSFW
Alright, this happened a week ago, BUT, i feel this Subreddit should hear my story. This is also my first post.
It was 3 AM, just got off using my computer and looking at Pornography,
I get in bed, and then turn off the lamp on my nightstand, then i start Fapping away after a few minutes... This is where the shit hit the fan, little boys and Girls, as i was whacking off, i thought i'd do some... Sounding with my usual Mechanical friend that i have. so i shoved it in, slowly, but deeper each time, and i had done this before, infact, alot. so my Golden Shower hose was fairly wide enough to fit it in, so i kept going, then, suddenly, i shove it in all the way by accident.... I then spend 25 mins trying to pull it out... but [IT WAS NO USE!](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kMUvFw0VlY4). the thing was stuck in there.
So my next thought is, wait for my father to wake up, and tell him what happened 5 AM rolls around, and then my dad wakes up, so i immediately tell him what happens, he then hurriedly gets dressed and takes me to the hospital, 10 mins later, we're inside the hospital, i get led into a room with my dad, it looks similar to an Operating room, but.. smaller. I lay down on this Patient bed and wait, doctor arrives, shit happens, then he gets the urologist, who bears a Striking resemblance to The Governor from The Walking Dead. TV version. Anyways, he does some Stuff, looks at my Peen to insure how deep this Mechanical Fiend is inside my Shlong, etc.
He then leaves again, humming some weird Funk-like tune, and then him, The doctor, and the Male Nurse arrive with the WMDs. He then pulls it out, almost violently with 2 pairs of Surgical Tweezers while the doctor applies a Numbing gel onto my Man noodle, it took probably 5 mins... but it felt like an hour. BUt then finally, he gets the thing out, then the Urologist immediately says "Hah, wanna keep it?" and the doctor then says "Remember, things don't go in there, they only come out of there." and then they laugh it off, and all i can think is "Thank FUCK for plan A." because the doc said there was 2 plans. Plans A and B.
Plan A was pulling the thing out with no Surgery. Plan B was Surgery.
On the ride home, i looked at the discharge papers.. It said in big, bold letters "DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS AGAIN." My father said it kinda goes without saying.....
tl;dr I shoved a Mechanical pencil down my urethra and then had to go to the hospital to get it removed.
Edit: Also, from that day forward, my friends now call me Mech Dick or Pencil dick.... I Don't think i'll live that down.
rock-it-science: Meh, [could have been worse](http://i.imgur.com/O7Drc.gif)
NSFW
C012732: I knew it was gonna be terrible and I clicked anyway. Immediate regret.
Cynical_Walrus: I accidentally tapped it, and I saw the keyring. I immediately closed my eyes and tried to tap the back button.
voucher420: That wasn't a key ring....
Architect_of_Lies: What.. what was it?
foairdfvadr: A spring
Architect_of_Lies: D: but.. why..
HeavenSk8: Filled with worms too.
Architect_of_Lies: Oh that's just lovely.
| 10 | 46.1 | |
1380512418 | 1380599083 | null | t5_2to41 | 38 | StreetsofGalway: TIFU by eating guacamole
My brother makes guacamole every once in a while. Generally, it's very well regarded, though our mom doesn't like how spicy it is. Personally I love spicy food and it doesn't bother me at all. In fact, I usually seek it out; I put sriracha on everything I eat. But this guacamole... this was different. This was of the devil. I would commend my brother for making something so spicy, but I don't think he was trying to; some evil conferred and willed it so.
I walked into the kitchen and noticed two unfinished bowls of guacamole our parents had started. I should have heeded this warning when I had the chance. I took a fairly large amount, since there was a lot left. Again, many warnings which I didn't take. I sat down with my bowl and some chips, and plunged into the abyss unarmed. The first bite didn't feel like food. My mouth felt like Dresden. I put in another chip. I thought that, surely, that the first one was a mistake. My mouth made an error; nothing felt like that. Then I ate another chip. Then another. I kept telling myself my mouth was a liar. My mouth is not a liar. He's a nice guy. I decided to get a glass of water. The relief was short and weak, but there was some, and I soldiered on. I continued eating chips. My mouth continued to cry out in anguish. I decided to get a glass of milk. This seemed to help much more than the water, and allowed me to finish the bowl. This was a mistake. I should not have finished the bowl.
But anyway. I finished the bowl, and then finished the milk. My mouth continued to burn. The longer nothing was in my mouth, the more excruciating the pain got. I then decided to brush my teeth and expunge my mouth of all impurities. This did little but react with the milk to cause a large amount of phlegm. This becomes important later.
I then decided to try mouthwash. Surely some of you are smarter than me and realize what a terrible mistake this was. Seriously, if you ever eat some demonic guacamole, do NOT use mouthwash. Why would you do that you dummy geez what is wrong with you omg. But anyway. I made this stupid mistake, which was stupid, and my mouth suffered. The fire raged. It raged with incredible intensity, and it raged forever. I decided to just wash my mouth out best I could. This is where the phlegm gets important. I started coughing it up at an abnormal rate. Then I threw up and, no joke, some fucking guacamole came out with it.
But then I felt fine.
barnacledoor: > I started coughing it up at an abnormal rate. Then I threw up and, no joke, some fucking guacamole came out with it.
Wait, you ate guacamole and threw up and you were surprised that you threw up guacamole? What were you expecting to throw up? A steak?
TPMWandrew: Guac goes in, guac comes out, you can't explain that
BroOfBrosephs: Saving for later.
| 4 | 9.5 | |
1380544711 | 1380610825 | null | t5_2to41 | 607 | PurpleTrainRide: TIFU while manscaping
So usually I would just grab a razor and go to town. But I decided I wanted to trim up a little bit and reduce the time. So I get out the scissors and start snipping away. All of the sudden I can feel a sharp pain. I'm hesitant to look down at first. Blood everywhere. I'm freaking out and it didn't take long for it to stop.
TLDR; I cut my balls while trimming my pubes
Potatoequeen: I once did the same thing. Except I'm a girl so I'd actually snipped off a bit of my labia. As in clean off. Blood everywhere. It took years to be able to look down there again.
PurpleTrainRide: Oh god that sounds far worse than what happened to me.
Potatoequeen: I think we both suffered far more than anyone should.
PurpleTrainRide: Is your account newer? You have -3 comment karma.
Potatoequeen: I haven't been on reddit very long.. And I think I may have been down voted for a popular opinion.. Go figure
PurpleTrainRide: Yeah. Reddit can be a cruel, cruel place.
Potatoequeen: But yet so very appealing and tempting. It's like Triple Chocolate Cake.
pawrence: Hey I love cake
eatmeimcake: Who doesn't love cake.
L0TTA: I don't love cake
eatmeimcake: :'(
| 12 | 50.583333 | |
1380544759 | 1380769113 | null | t5_2to41 | 140 | Thinc_Ng_Kap: TIFU by putting my tooth through my lip.
To be more accurate, this happened about a month ago, but it feels like it happened just yesterday.
I was drunk. I was stupidly drunk actually. I was going to the washroom and I somehow managed to slip right at the doorway. I fell so quickly (or at least it seemed very quickly) that I didnt get my hands out in time to catch my fall. Down I went right onto the tiles, and soon enough there was blood just *pouring* from my lip. Im now kneeling on the washroom floor, looking down at a huge pool of blood, waiting for the stream of blood to stop flowing from my lip. Eventually I get fed up with the waiting and begin to just swallow my blood (dont ask why I didnt bother going to the toilet to let the blood go in there- Im trying to figure that one out for myself.) Anyway, by now I've drunk a ton of blood that it makes me puke- twice. Again, on the floor, not in the toilet. This whole ordeal was tiring, and with the addition of being very drunk I decide to just lay down in the bathroom for a second or two, right beside the pool of blood and the vomit.
I dont really know how long I slept for, but I do remember waking up and staring at puke right in front of my face and mutter "fuck, I did it again." I then find my friends couch and fall asleep a second time. Soon after, I am awoken to my friend yelling"**HOLY SHIT, THERES BLOOD EVERYWHERE IN THE BATHROOM!!**", I calmly tell him not to worry about it and that I'll clean it up in the morning.
Fast forward to the morning, Im awoken by a group of my friends leaning over the couch and starring at my face. "Shit, that wasnt a dream" I say to myself while feeling my lip, which is now 3 times its normal size."
They're all telling me I need to go get stitches or at least get it looked at. I refuse, telling them this happened once before (exact same situation) and that it'll heal on its own. I clean up my bodily expellings, we go to the store and then head to the beach for the rest of the weekend. Life goes on.
The scab falls off about a week later after the incident, and find I have a very nasty looking scar on my lip. As if the whole ordeal wasnt enough, the scar makes it look like I have herpes, which my friends constantly laugh at me for. Lovely.
**TL;DR** - I kissed a bathroom floor and got herpes.
Alexbo8138: I got kicked in the face one day a couple years ago. Tooth went through my lip. Here's the [scar](http://i.imgur.com/6x5p2sC.jpg). Slightly noticeable. It's no big deal, man.
Demento56: I have no experience with facial scarring. Is it that little round bit on the bottom lip that looks kinda like a cold sore?
Alexbo8138: Lower lip, looks like a slanted M.
Demento56: I would not have noticed that if you hadn't pointed it out.
Alexbo8138: Yep! OP should probably get it stitched up and let it heal without picking the scab. That would help prevent a noticeable scar.
| 6 | 23.333333 | |
1380544904 | 1380577356 | null | t5_2to41 | 458 | griffthedestroyer: TIFU by leaving my front door open...
Today when i got home from groceries I had to make two trips. I left my front door open for the 5 minutes that it took for me to get to my car and back. Between that time I had a few things stolen from my apartment; a Nintendo DS with Pokemon Ruby, and Pokemon White, and most importantly my new copy of Madden 25. I thought i could trust the small town that i live but now i know i cant any of those fucks who live around me.
brosenqui: check your local craigslist and kijiji ads, a friend of mine had their car broken into and the thief was dumb enough to post them for sale online the day after. They arranged a met up in a public place and cops "just happened" to be there and the kid tried to run once he knew the jig was up.
griffthedestroyer: yea i just started checking around craigslist
[deleted]: > Today when i got home from groceries I had to make two trips
I think the real issue here is what kind of man makes 2 trips for groceries
FirstWizardBaraccus: Dude when I buy groceries I buy a week or more at a time. My car is PACKED when I come from the store, I take at least 2-3 trips with my hands as full of bags as I'm able.
FellKnight: Makes sense, your bags must have a lot of tampons and shit in them. ^^^this ^^^is ^^^a ^^^joke
Reads_Small_Text_Bot: > this is a joke
| 7 | 65.428571 | |
1380566433 | 1380635607 | null | t5_2to41 | 222 | livegoodtimes: TIFU by staking out a building 12ft off.
I am a land surveyor and there was a miscommunication and I didn't tell the contractor that the building was in the wrong spot. They spent two days digging and putting in footings and now it is in the wrong place, so they have to start over. Thousands of dollars of work. Woops.
stanground: TIL I learned you can fuck up a building by putting it in the wrong spot.
idefiler6: >I learned
You didn't have to write that part, it's 2/3 of TIL...
Basoran: Oo Oo that is like saying ATM machine.
likeabott: the HIV Virus
Goluxas: PIN number
| 6 | 37 | |
1380570263 | 1380641467 | null | t5_2to41 | 55 | juuuuice: TIFU by Sleepwalking
I started sleep walking this past summer and I'm not really sure why. I have some pretty funny stories from roommates, however this incident takes the cake. I woke up this morning without any blankets on and the sheet torn off my bed. I thought that was odd, but I felt this crusty substance on my face. I was confused and went to rub it off when I saw my hands and they were covered in dried blood. Panicking, I went to hop off my bunk (I'm on the top). I noticed my left, big toe was in a lot of pain and bruised, and I struggled walking. Anyway, I get to the mirror in the bathroom and there is blood all over my face and a giant gash in between both of my eyebrows. I start cleaning it up and it began to bleed again. Luckily I was able to stop it, however, I did some investigating to see if I could piece together what exactly happened. There was already a lot of dried blood in the sink, so I'm assuming I stumbled over to the mirror in my sleep walking state to try to clean it. The weirdest part was the blood that was around the door frame leading outside of my apartment and a small pool of it on the ground. But, there wasn't any blood on the doorknob. There was also very little blood on my sheets and pillows. I asked my roommates, but they did not see anything. The worst part is now I'm walking around campus and literally everyone is asking me what happened. Half the people I talk to think I'm possessed. Anyway, that's what happened. I have some other funny sleepwalking stories I can tell if y'all want to hear them, but they're not really TIFU stories.
TL;DR: Was raped by a bear and can't remember it because I was sleepwalking.
FuneralShadow: What's the funniest one your roomates have told you?
juuuuice: One night my roommate and his GF were staying up late and I came out sleep walking. I grabbed a chair from our table and dragged it into the kitchen and started to drag it around behind me in circles. I had closed the door and left the lights out, so they were pretty freaked out. Then I went back to bed. About 30 minutes later I came back out butt-ass naked holding my shorts in my hand. His girlfriend was asleep on the couch and he said I stared at her like I wanted to kill her. Then I went back to bed.
SoyPopo: At least you didn't get punched in the dick, right?
juuuuice: Ya, I guess that would be pretty bad.
| 5 | 11 | |
1380574474 | 1380637728 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | tehtreats: TIFU by not explaining how to care for cast iron pans to my new roommates.
**Backstory:**
About a year ago, my best friend got me a small cast iron pan as a gift. It's my first and only and I've made sure to season and treat it with the tastiest greases and flavors. Living in a studio apartment by myself at the time, I didn't need to worry about it having any soapy encounters. I took care to wipe excessive gross out of it and would occasionally place it in the oven while baking dinner. Otherwise it proudly sat on the shelf or stove top.
I recently moved into a place with three other people, all good friends that I've known for years - Sweet D, Chicago, and Frank. There's also a dog and a cat that are about the same size and even they know better than to wash a pan of this nature. **I fucked up** by not addressing this matter immediately.
**How I set us all up for failure:**
A few nights ago, Frank and I were getting a little frisky in the kitchen (by which frisky mean sprinkling brown sugar on top of bacon-wrapped chunks of chicken breast with any leftover bacon strewn about the cookie pan) and I took things to the next level by sticking my cast iron on another rack in the oven. We got into some things that r/trees would appreciate and more or less watched bacon bake and talked about how delicious this was going to be, our upcoming schedules, school, life, etc. 17 minutes goes by and the loose bacon is more than ready to be in my mouth. Another 13 minutes goes by and those little chunks of yum are pleading to be in my belly. Plate up, chow down, leftovers to the fridge, time for a bedtime bowl and thoughtless browsing. The cast iron is still in the now cooled oven and the furthest thing from my mind.
**How I impressively kept my cool:**
I got home around 9:30 last night after a 12 hour day of work and related functions. Anxious to put my feet up and indulge in some libations, I noted the cleanliness of the joint and made sure to thank Sweet D and Chicago and open them each a fresh beer. We got to chatting about the previous day and I showed off our new dish brush when Sweet D said it.. something about that dirty pan in the sink destroying the old brush. My heart dropped like a plummet. I realized what had happened without even seeing it.
I slowly turned towards the sink and confirmed that which I feared most and already knew to be true. My pan, face down in the dish rack, like some kind of crime scene. No trace of grease or spice, not a hint of age or use. It looked newer than when it was purchased, even the factory season had been washed off. I shook at the knees as I picked it up from that stainless steel basin from hell and stared at its smooth matted black coat. The glisten was gone, the flavor forlorn.
As I clutched my sullied skillet, I could only manage eek out the request that they *never, ever* wash this pan again. I explained that I knew they didn't know any better and that they were simply trying to help. I hadn't made it clear and left the pan in a frequently used appliance. They stared at me like deer in headlights, they could see my blood boiling beneath the crooked smile and hurt in my eyes. The last year of cooking flashed before me, even concoctions that the pan never saw.
They knew what they had done, but they didn't understand why it was wrong. The road to hell is paved with good intentions and I finally understood. I painstakingly described the history of cast iron and the mechanics of seasoning. I explained my own personal efforts of seasoning that they had just washed down the drain, without thought. My voice trembled as I spoke, but I remained calm as I fired up the oven and regreased the pan.
350 degrees, we're off to a good start. 500 degrees, that pan is roasting.
Sweet D starts in on the peace offerings.. flowers, blunts, whatever it will take. I told her the best thing she could do to make up for it is cook some bacon and just wipe the excess grease out of the pan. I clarified what can and cannot be cooked in a cast iron. I begged that they never wash it and stick it in the oven if they don't want to see it.
***tl;dr*** Moved in with roommates, didn't make sure they understood not to wash cast iron. Pan got washed, is practically factory new. tehtreats cried.
dralcax: As someone who has never even seen a cast iron pan, what did they do wrong?
zersty: You don't wash cast iron pans - ever!
When you first buy one you heat it to very high temperature levels and then add oil making sure to wipe it over the entire surface.
Once that is done its ready to be cooked with. The pan then starts taking on the flavours of what is cooked in it.
After that is done the food you cook in it from then starts to take on the flavours that have built up over time and can make for some amazing flavours to steaks and so on.
Cleaning is simple - wipe away the excess fat/greases/juice with a paper towel and put it away.
Using detergent is really bad. It washes away the protective layer and if not seasoned the pan will rust.
As cast iron can be very expensive this isn't desirable.
Enamelled cast iron exists for those who like clean pans but that is even more expensive (several hundred dollars for a single pan) and if you ask me it's nowhere near as good.
The other benefit of cast iron is it heats up very fast and uses less gas or electricity to maintain the desired temperature.
[deleted]: Doesn't it take longer to heat up as it is usually thicker than other pans? It's still a good trade off, as it holds heat better.
zersty: Not that I've noticed. I find it heats up faster and a lot more evenly.
My guess is cast iron (much like pressure cookers) were so popular because they are more efficient.
solarpoweredhuman: Cast iron was popular because it was the *only* option.
| 6 | 4.666667 | |
1380585521 | 1380608394 | null | t5_2to41 | 424 | throwawayseriguadfga: Update: TIFU by ruining my life
She's not pregnant. She took two tests and she's not pregnant. I had a trusted friend with her while she took the tests because I was worried she'd lie about it. I'm using a different account because I forgot the password to my last throw away. Thank you guys so much, those three days were probably the worst days of my life. The sex we had was protected by the way. I forgot to mention that in the original post. Everything's fine now and she's currently out of state. I'm so incredibly thankful that she wasn't pregnant and also thankful for all you guys commenting. I love you guys.
TL;DR: She wasn't pregnant. I'm happy. You guys are awesome. Forgot password.
FAP-FOR-BRAINS: most misleading title ever, bro. Boring story, too.
dragdollb: Read the original post.
Shitty_Human_Being: Link please? Hassle looking it up on the phone.
ptntprty: Don't even bother. You'll be sorry you wasted your time.
Shitty_Human_Being: How do you know that?
ptntprty: I don't know that for sure. But now I'd like you to read the original post and report back.
Shitty_Human_Being: Link?
Ptntprty pls.
[deleted]: go to r/tifu, then press ctrl+f and type "ruin" and it will be one of the results (the second I think).
Shitty_Human_Being: >ctrl+f
*Looks for Ctrl on iPhone*
ptntprty: Oh god [DAMMIT](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1ne4qt/tifu_by_ruining_my_life/)
Shitty_Human_Being: /u/ptntprty pls
^^^Thanks.
ptntprty: Read it and report back... pls
Shitty_Human_Being: He went to court, and thought he got his ex pregnant before she was about to move away.
That fucking sucked. 2/10 would not read again.
^/u/ptntprty ^pls
Reads_Small_Text_Bot: > /u/ptntprty pls
Shitty_Human_Being: ^^/u/Reads_Small_Text_Bot ^^pls.
Reads_Small_Text_Bot: > /u/Reads_Small_Text_Bot pls.
Shitty_Human_Being: ^^Bot ^^pls.
| 18 | 23.555556 | |
1380612207 | 1380677472 | null | t5_2to41 | 135 | the3count: TIFU at my grandmas funeral
so i get to the funeral home and my mom asks the director if she has a tom jones cd to play because he was my grandmas favorite, the director replies no and i said i could hook up my phone on the tom jones pandora station. great right? not great. i turn it up, "its not unusual" plays, good. and then. STAYING ALIVE COMES ON NEXT AND ITS BLASTING AND IT WAS AWFUL I LUNGED AT THE PHONE BUT THE DAMAGE WAS DONE I GOT SO MANY LOOKS FROM DISAPPOINTED RELATIVES.
poohspiglet: It sounds like your grandma liked music. Would she not have a sense of humor too? She's probably laughing her butt off from the other side.
MostEpicRedditor: What other side?
Atrocity_Vector: Edgy as fuck
ashling_the_pilgrim: *tips fedora and shrugs*
Le atheism is the only way
| 5 | 27 | |
1380589420 | 1380683720 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by going to the mall with my ex.
Now this fuck up isn't funny or anything. I just don't really know any other subreddit this would be appropriate for. So anyways. I was having a really shitty day, my boyfriend dumped me and I've been pretty sad all day. Well my ex and I recently became friends again, so to cheer me up he hung out with me at the mall after school. And we were with friends and whatnot but after they left and we were alone, we went into one of the employee only corridors and slight sexy times happened. We talked emotionally and I cried and he made me promise not to tell anyone. For fear of his girlfriend finding out. I feel really stupid and I regret such things.
Funny how I said I wouldn't tell anyone then I put it on the internet for the entire world to see.
[deleted]: Ooooooh.. Girl you dun goofed. I'm assuming you're young and if so, these things happen. Actually, young or not this happens to alot of people. You learn, you move on.
Chances are: he may have been reverting to his old feelings for you, but as a guy my guess is he was taking advantage of your vulnerable state. As it was partly your mistake, I wouldn't suggest telling his gf but if I were you, you should tell your bff or someone close. The internet community is extremely helpful with the exception of a few asshole but if you're feeling guilty, a real hug always helps
ChRoNicBuRrItOs: What? His gf should definitely know, why the hell shouldn't she tell her?!
[deleted]: Mainly because that's his relationship and his responsibility. I'm not saying that's not her business, clearly it is, but unless that girl is her friend/acquaintance I can't see that benefiting her, even if it's to relieve her guilt
ChRoNicBuRrItOs: Well, first, you just said it. It would relieve guilt. Second, not everything you do has to benefit yourself.
[deleted]: Ok, it seems like you're taking the advise super personally. So I'm just gonna conclude with this: honesty is the best policy and timing is everything. Only after she forgives herself should she include other people in her healing process. whatever happens, her choosing
ChRoNicBuRrItOs: I've kinda been cheated on before, so it hits a soft spot, so to speak. I know how it feels to be betrayed like that. Luckily, I'm in an awesome relationship with a hot older woman who loves me now.
| 7 | 1.285714 | |
1380639720 | 1380680251 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,056 | solidcat00: TIFU by getting drunk on a plane
On a plane to Riga from Moscow I became extremely drunk. I hate flying so I brought a flask of vodka on the plane. I wake up a day later tied to a bed in a hospital. My money was stolen. They said an ambulance had to take me from the airport. I have no idea what happened but I am terrified that I might be banned from flying... The hospital cost 66 lats but I have no way to pay it. Luckily, I have already paid for the hostel so I can stay here for a few days. My visa is being processed and will be ready Friday but what if they won't let me on the plane? I have a credit card with no money so I am waiting to talk to parents who are in Canada... I don't know if they can transfer money to a Russian credit card. Thank you for reading... Wish me luck.
Edit: Does anyone know how to transfer money internationally?
Edit 2: Lots of great comments. It makes me feel a little less alone.
Some updates - my sister sent money through Western Union but since my visa is being processed I don't have an ID so I have to wait until tomorrow. Living off oranges and nuts. I called and asked about my flight and gave my reference number. They told me when I fly and no mention about being banned. Not sure what to do about hospital bill but I guess they won't keep me in Latvia to pay?
The flask was bigger than a normal one... I drank it quickly and with the altitude I guess it hit me stronger.
BTW, I'm Canadian, not Russian.
Yes, I have a problem. I must quit drinking before it destroys me completely.
Finally, I'm not really sure what help the Canadian embassy can offer.
TheFuturist47: They won't ban you from flying unless you did something really insane, and I have the feeling that the cops would be telling you all about it if you had. You probably just got really sick. Don't do that again though, but are you sure your drink didn't get spiked or anything? That seems like an extreme reaction to a flask worth of liquor. I've downed half a bottle of whiskey in a sitting (when I was a girl in my 20's even) and never had anything like that happen. Except once when I was accused of ripping a sink out of a wall by falling on it.
solidcat00: Interesting point. Yeah it wasn't much but it was 50% alcohol. I hope you are right about not being banned.
Diiiiirty: A flask is no more than 5 shots unless you got the big 11 oz flask. Otherwise, it sounds like somebody spiked your shit.
Shebazz: Where are you from that an 11oz flask is the big one?
Diiiiirty: Well you can get bigger, but anything larger is not very convenient for carrying
Shebazz: I've just found that 10-11 is the standard size (holds about a mickey give or take, I've never really measured mine but it's the same as all my friends). I've only seen someone with a smaller flask once
Diiiiirty: What is a Mickey?
Shebazz: small bottle, 375 ml
| 9 | 117.333333 | |
1380625237 | 1380701185 | null | t5_2to41 | 46 | PeekThroughTheWool: TIFU - Didn't leave a half finished bottle of wine at a friend's place.
Our houses are about 3 blocks away. I slipped on a wet metal grate holding a bottle of wine. It smashed in my hand. In TO my hand. Had to have plastic surgery on my hand.
EDIT: photo of it [cut up hand](http://distilleryimage8.ak.instagram.com/06afea68d44d11e28c7c22000a1fb876_7.jpg)
photo a week later [sewed up hand](http://distilleryimage0.ak.instagram.com/edd8ba70d7c511e2850422000a1f9a85_7.jpg)
barnacledoor: Who takes a bottle of wine back from a friend's house? If you bring a bottle of wine to a friend's house, you leave it there whether or not you've actually even opened it.
PeekThroughTheWool: I know! My dad and a nurse said it was my own fault for taking the wine home. It was a $2 bottle too. I don't know of that makes it better or worse.
KCftw07: Karma fucked you up man.
| 4 | 11.5 | |
1380648287 | 1380681032 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | TheVickster: TIFU By letting PayPal auto fill my info
Let me just start off my saying I work VERY hard for any money that comes my way. I babysit up to 6 kids at any time, watching 2 children full time. I am severely underpaid though. I get MAYBE 20 dollars every few weeks, no matter how often I babysit. (Thanks mom) It's incredibly frustrating to try to save up for things, let alone go out anywhere without wanting something. I finally, after many weeks saved up enough to get some clothes I had been dying to get. Super excited, I go online and pick out all the clothes I want during this great sale. 70 dollars worth of stuff, HOLY SHIET.
SO EXCITING.
I checkout, go through paypal because it's easier, and I don't have my own credit card. Autofill thinking whatevs, the name is right, the number is right, city is right, IS AWL GOOD.
Days pass.
Still waiting.
Da fuq.
I go to the paypal account, everything looks goo-OH MY GOD. Wrong address. Same city, wrong fucking address. Ring up dat ol' PayPal. It's obviously too late to change the address, but meh, I'll just call my old apartment complex and let them know what happened. I explain what happened, they say they'll look for it and call me. Yay! Wrong. It didn't arrive in a box. Instead the mailman (i'm assuming) shoved it into some tiny ass mailbox and gave it to whoever lives in that apartment now. I call the place I ordered the clothes from to see if there's anything I can do. No insurance on the package, can't do shit. I hope that whoever lives in that apartment is damn happy having such amazing clothes.
tl;dr I gifted some random person 70 dollars worth of clothing, which I worked very hard to be able to afford. Crying.
dobtoronto: >they say they'll look for it and call me
I hope your relationship with your old apartment manger/landlord is such that you can ask them to follow up. If a tenant received a package addressed to someone else, they'd likely to be willing to exchange it for a small reward. I bet you could hustle and get the clothes back for another investment of twenty dollars.
Don't beat yourself up for screwing up. You're doing great at life. Life is meant for you to enjoy it like you planned to do.
TheVickster: Just want to say thank you for making me feel better :) Unfortunately I don't have any extra money I could give anyone as a reward, and the gated community has new owners/workers so I don't know anyone there. It's a really sucky situation, but it is just clothes. Material things are never more important than life lessons :P I now know to always quadruple check any information! hahah.
dobtoronto: You're welcome. Good luck with everything!
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1380607203 | 1380671088 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | MoralsGoneRogue: TIFU by reaching for a comb...
This happened yesterday...
I haven't had contacts recently, and have been relying on my old glasses. Regardless, I do t shower with my glasses. During my shower I decided to comb out my hair. Blind little old me put my hand in the basket on top of the toilet to grab the comb. What I hadn't been informed was that there was a razor in there. Needless to say, the razor met my finger. I thought it was a little prick until it started bleeding a little... then more... then more.....
Hauled ass out of the shower. 3 different slices (I think) from the razor blades. Being without contacts is painful. Very, very painful.
Pics: http://m.imgur.com/a/7ecAe
DanniiTheFannii: Half way through I thought you were going to say you shaved your hair.
Bra2ilianM4mba: Same here
| 3 | 6 | |
1380663875 | 1380823029 | null | t5_2to41 | 51 | throwaway_wight1: Today I fucked up by masturbating.
Throwaway account because I'm embarassed.
In my living room at present there's a few different plants, including lemon, pepper, chilli and some herbs. It's common to see me picking bits off and eating them.
Anyway I decided to try one of the chillis today, as it was the first time I'd grown them and so I was curious to find out what they tasted like.
Anyway, I ate one and went off for a sleep, as I was really quite tired, without washing my hands. When I woke up, I was still half-asleep and feeling a little 'in the mood' so I decided to do the two-finger shuffle. It was about 10s after I began I remembered the chilli. Then all of a sudden the most intense, hot pain shot through me from my genitals and I jumped off the bed crying in pain. I ended up smearing yoghurt into my crotch to make the pain go away.
Lendingtrees: Hot... Hot
throwaway_wight1: I know my bits were damn hot that day...
FYJ: Too Hot Too Handle
^^^Someone ^^^who ^^^watches ^^^The ^^^League ^^^might ^^^get ^^^that
Reads_Small_Text_Bot: > Someone who watches The League might get that
FYJ: ^^^^you ^^^^magnificent ^^^^bastard
Reads_Small_Text_Bot: > you magnificent bastard
| 7 | 7.285714 | |
1380670024 | 1380670496 | null | t5_2to41 | 30 | DevinEngland: TIFU by trying to sit down.
I'm not trying to outdo any of the other TIFU stories here, but this just happened to me five minutes ago.
I don't know about anyone else, but occasionally, I get huge... er.. zits inbetween my legs, not at my crotch, but on my inner thighs. Sometimes these things get massive, like to the point that I'm worried I'll have Staph.
I know this doesn't seem like it has anything to do with what the title says, but I'll get there. Anyway, I'd found one of these on my leg (Not hard to do... They hurt like a bitch, so I know when I have one.) and pulled my shorts down to try and pop it. It swole up, huge. So I tried to take my knife to pop that so it would bleed.
After about 5 minutes of this, I realized how it would look if someone were to walk in with me in front of my computer while I had my shorts down, so I quickly stood up and pulled them up, but unbeknownst to me, I had apparently knocked my chair over backwards, and as I tried to sit back down, it looked like a scene straight from The Three Stooges. I landed on my ass, and my head hit one of the legs on the chair. I was fortunate enough that no one saw me.
TL;DR: Tried to pop a crotch zit, became the Fourth Stooge.
Fgmaniac: Five minutes trying to pop a zit with a knife. You're the Fourth Stooge alright.
^^^No ^^^serious ^^^offense ^^^intended.
Reads_Small_Text_Bot: > No serious offense intended.
| 3 | 10 | |
1380672945 | 1380772299 | null | t5_2to41 | 121 | shmustache: TIFU by not knowing a term I used refers to sexually involved gay men.
So this wasn't a huge fuck up, but it was pretty embarrassing in the moment. Some background: I'm a senior in high school, taking an AP English class. I'm pretty sure the teacher likes my friends and I, although we find her to be rather... Unlikable, we'll say. Anyways, this class focuses on mostly British literature for most of the year, so we were going over some basic British history. The teacher, knowing I am in enrolled in European History and at least sort of know my stuff, asks me to describe the whole Thomas a Becket/ King Henry situation. So, as I begin talking, I very casually say, "Yeah, Thomas a Becket and the King were butt-buddies and they-" and my teacher yells "WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!?" Her face is bright red, and I'm confused as hell. I just meant that the two were really close friends and spent all there time together. I say the same thing when I make fun of two freinds who hang out a lot. It was meant to be innocent. She makes me apologize for making a "completely inappropriate comment" and tells me I'm lucky to not be sent to the office and shit. Of course, I didn't see the big deal, so I wasn't *that* apologetic. I mean, we're all seniors in the class, practically adults, saying the word "butt" shouldn't really be a problem. In fact, I was pretty annoyed at being chided for what seemed to ME to be nothing. Later, my teacher comes over asks me what I was thinking. "Do you even know what that means?"
"Yeah, its just, you know, when two guys are friends and spend all their time together. You know butt buddies..." And then I saw her facial expression.
"Ooooh, *But Buddies*." Apparently butt buddies is a literal term for gay lovers. Who knew? Everybody in that class but me I guess. I was quite apologetic after that, and I may have picked up the nickname "Butt Buddy" among my peers now. I guess we'll see.
[deleted]: Hey, could be worse. You could have used the term to describe you and your best friend.
FrostySack: It could be worse, he could have stuck a mechanical pencil up his cock.
haleymay: Or given himself a hydrogen peroxide enema.
gaslightgirl: And you too pal... Link time?
| 5 | 24.2 | |
1380679031 | 1380795843 | null | t5_2to41 | 668 | My_mau5_died: TIFU by accidentally drinking bong water
So i was sitting under my back porch doing my usual ritual of ripping the bong. The bong is made from a glass downstem and bowl and an "Ice" drink bottle, because my glass piece had recently broken near the base and I haven't bothered buying a new one yet. So I had the bong in one hand and a bottle of black raspberry "Ice" in my other. I was on my 3rd or 4th bowl and I was pretty baked at this point. I thought: "Damn, I'm thirsty as fuck." 'Cause you know, cotton-mouth. Without thinking, I put the bong to my lips and knocked back a nice gulp of 3-day old bong water. I mean this shit was dirty, it was brown and full of ash and little herb chunks, and the second it hit my mouth I spit it the fuck out all over myself. To make it worse, there was stinky ass bong water all over one of my favorite jackets, my pants, and even my shoes. To make it even *fucking worse,* the red-hot fucking ember landed smack under my nose and burned the shit out of it. To make it even fucking *worse* the water got in my phone speaker, which now sounds like complete shit, and even soaked a pack of my favorite cigarettes, "lucky strike reds," that were in my other pocket. Now at this point, it can't get any worse, right? Well guess fucking what, when I dropped the bong, the glass bowl and downstem fucking shattered. Thank god I have a backup piece.
Oh, and it's not even over yet. I was picking up the glass and it cut my fucking hand. Oh boy, I thought. This is not a good day. Walking back inside, I then *stubbed my fucking toe on the door,* tripped and knocked over a lit fucking candle sending gross candle wax and broken glass all over the floor. Today was just not my day. I clean the shit up, and decide, "Okay, I need some fucking food," because I was just pissy and had really bad munchies. "At least I have leftover shepherds pie from last night." Wrong. I left it out on accident and that shit was *fucking gross looking.*
Fine! Obviously God hates me at this point, and I just thank him that I live so close to taco bell.
I walk to taco bell and guess what? The fucking place is closed and under construction.
Now I'm just sitting on my couch in the basement at a [4] quietly sobbing and telling my lovely story to the internet.
TL;DR The stoner gods have cursed me.
Edit: Thank god for back-up bongs http://i.imgur.com/gAIGjvW.jpg
GangnamStylin: I want to believe...but it just seems too unlikely
My_mau5_died: I am sad to inform you..'tis a true story.
HardWhiteAndRType: Must have a pretty low tolerance
syscofresh: Ooo we got a seasoned vet over here, never accidentally left out his shepards pie before.
HardWhiteAndRType: Lol I'm not measuring dicks here or anything. Just reminded me of something I did when I was low tolerance.
Cougs67: Don't lie, you *wish* you could be that high again.
HardWhiteAndRType: I'm like 40 days sober from weed. I'll be there soon!
Cougs67: Drug tests? Or t-break? Or something else?
HardWhiteAndRType: Life reevaluation. And smoking weed everyday wasn't gonna take me to the places I needed to go in my life/career. I'm still gonna smoke here & there but I'll never be a stoner again.
Cougs67: Right on. Hope everything works out for you man
| 11 | 60.727273 | |
1380331628 | 1380687222 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | Pyromine: tifu! I'm an idiot. Got my dates mixed up.
It's pretty simple. Thought the ACT's was this weekend... It was last weekend. Well shit. I didn't want to get in to a good college anyways.
AcaciaJules: And your parents weren't involved in this at all? Also, don't they hold multiple sessions?
Pyromine: Haha, it's really not as big of a deal as I made it out to be, but my parents weren't really involved because I registered myself and I was just going to tell them the date. Which I did, but I just gave them the wrong date.
Oh, and they do hold pretty much monthly sessions in the fall and spring so I just re-registered for the October session which really isn't all that big of a deal. I'm just not going to be able to apply early action to my number 1 schools but that's okay anyways. When I posted this I was just really mad at myself.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1380710847 | 1380997978 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting wokmans comp at my job.
Alright, i work at a school for kids with behavorial issues. Long story short one of the kids wanted to flip out and we had to calm him down. He ended up somehow hurting my wrist so now i have to work overnights, because my job doesnt like to you to be lazy and get work mans comp with out working for it. IM really stuck here unitl * am with two hwole hours to kill. I cant go anywhere because they are watching my everymove on camera. I feel like im boxed in and i cant escape. TIFU by calming down a angry autistic child
BirdistheWyrd: What job can you do at night with a fucked up wrist?
Augenmann: And why are you on reddit while being watched on camera?
BirdistheWyrd: even better question!
kuavi: The computer screen's probably not facing the camera. If it is, it's a double TIFU day.
[deleted]: Godd no. The computer is placed away from the computer.
| 6 | 2 | |
1380722217 | 1380780294 | null | t5_2to41 | 47 | SUNSHlNEdaydream: TIFU by drinking piss.
Okay so last night around 2am my boyfriend had to pee real bad and was too lazy to piss in his bathroom 5 feet away. He pulls down his boxers unscrews a half done Poland spring and refills the bottle, screwing the cap on, and placing it next to the other water bottle on his night stand.
It's 6am I'm sleepy as hell. I go into my bag, take out my prescription medication, pop my morning pills and grab the closest water bottle, throw my head back and slurp the contents. Halfway into my mouth I realized it tasted like salt, immediately I gag, spit said contents back in the water bottle, turn the lights on and see pills floating ontop of piss.
My boyfriend wakes up. We have a good laugh.
racismisgay: I am her boyfriend. I am that lazy. I had more than a good laugh. Great sport is right, I love my girlfriend.
SUNSHlNEdaydream: Hahahaha I love you
spankthepunkpink: I love you too!
ISO505: Get a room!
| 5 | 9.4 | |
1380726727 | 1380728105 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by Steel Reserve.
I just checked my BAC on my stupid gizmo. It's saying .40 but that's the maximum. It needs to be zero by this time tomorrow. Agh. My knee is dead, I have a new cat(who does not want me to sleep), my phone is full of nonsense. A lightning bolt would be great as long as it just hits me. Fucking fuck. Why is there a 40oz under my desk.
pesh527: .40 BAC? You would be in a coma.
Bluntwrap: Prolly slipped the BAC reader the ole tongue
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1380737091 | 1380741006 | null | t5_2to41 | 57 | ski3223: TIFU by telling my graduate school professor to call me Daddy.
This happened to my friend today. "I was a few minutes late to class today. Our professor (of our professional doctorate program, who is relatively young and attractive) regularly sends around a sign in sheet to check that we're all there for "participation points" (see, grade padding). The sign in sheet had already gone through and I didn't get to sign in, so I think "hey, I'll just send her an email letting her know I'm in class."
Mistake.
After a couple hours I look and see that I accidentally sent it from my undergraduate email account. The signature of said account is "Daddy." Therefore, the email I sent said:
Dr._____,
I am in class today, but I was a few minutes late and missed the sign in sheet. Just wanted to let you know.
Daddy.
TL;DR: Sent an email from a wrong address, essentially told my professor that my name is now Daddy. Awkward sexual tension expected.
Kidou: Why is that you signature in the first place?
ski3223: He has no idea why it's set like that. He think's Siri might have automatically set it to that because he has her call him Daddy. Baha.
Kidou: Lol. Did the professor say anything back yet?
ski3223: Not yet, I'll update when/if she mentions it!
| 5 | 11.4 |
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