start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
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value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1380743131 | 1380768156 | null | t5_2to41 | 131 | lillymu: TIFU: Explaining what you are willing to do for the job is not always a good thing. This is why we practice speeches in front of mirrors, or with colleagues.
gozags4: What a complete load of bullshit
davidd00: Yeah, this never occurred. Fuck off OP.
OpinionToaster: Proof? I'd gladly accept some.
davidd00: How about some proof it did happen?
OpinionToaster: I don't recall saying that it did. I just meant not to make assumptions that it definitely didn't happen.
CitizenPremier: You can't prove a negative, not absolutely. We could try to figure out where she says she was interviewed, but it's not like they'd disclose whether or not this really happened.
| 7 | 18.714286 | |
1380746831 | 1380811304 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU By having friends.
I was sitting in my geometry class today, (Yes, I'm A fucking high school freshman) and our teacher had recently passed out workbooks. After everyone tore the pages out, they sent theirs back up the column of desks to me, the collector of the workbooks. A few minutes later, I turn around to get out of the teacher's way KNOCKING DOWN THE WHOLE FUCKING STACK OF BOOKS IN THE PROCESS. Instinctively, I let out a hushed, "FAHHHHHHHHH..." to which some surrounding classmates giggled. However, the teacher hadn't noticed anything. After she leaves the vicinity, two people behind me start laughing to me about how I, "Shouted the F-Word." Apparently, the teacher heard this conversation, because when she returned to her desk, she promptly took out a referral sheet and started writing me up. Now, I have ISS most likely for a whole class period, and a referral sheet that says, "He dropped some books and said fuck." THANKS OBAMA.
Wodge: This is terrible, also, TYFU by swearing, not by having friends.
mel_from_accounting: I didn't swear...
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1380756940 | 1380758354 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | [deleted]: TIFU by turning down sex
So I finally succeeded in getting my long time crush, who's also my good friend, to start talking to me in a sexual way. We were at it about a week and it was the first night we kissed. So I figured she wouldn't let me anything else right away since we were going slow. She got into it after a while and was dry humping on my dick for a while. Now it's 4 am, my dick hurts, I have blue balls, and she finally says lets have sex. Then I hesitate and she says ...what and I say I'm kinda tired. She thinks I want to wait cuz I really like her, which is partially true, but my dick really hurt. If it was like 2 am or earlier I would have done it, but it was a weekday I had class in the morning. So no sex. About 3-4 days pass and still no sex although we slept together. Then stuff turns kinda stale and we both realized it wouldn't work in the long run. TIFU by turning down sex and ultimately screwing up my possible relationship.
ked_man: Well, you may have made a good decision in not having sex. If she's a friend you want to keep then you made the right call, albeit one decided by your jean jammed sore cock.
If you have feelings for her in a romantic way, tell her. Be direct straight forward and honest. Either she reciprocates and it's on to a boning filled relationship. Or nothing changes from your current situation.
Don't let a girl get away because she's not sure how you feel about her. It's very hard to say, but if you mean it she will dig it. Feminism aside, women like a strong man who takes action and has the "tough" conversations. That ability is what will get you through the tough times in life.
whats_a_kimball: That's great advice. I did have a lot of serious talks with her and I can see how she admires that.
ked_man: Yeah man, I my current relationship we have had several a serious talks about what we want out of this relationship and what we like and dislike about each other. It's made thing very easy going up to this point. No fights because we don't know what the other is thinking.
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1380756003 | 1380824879 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,179 | Rhynovirus: TIFU: I ate leftover Taco Bell for breakfast, chased it with dark roast coffee.
Title should be self explanatory. I'm on my feet most of the day with few bathroom breaks. Oh the pain.
theodrixx: May God have mercy on your underwear.
Hugh-Janus: May God have mercy on your hole.
theodrixx: This is even better. I feel like deleting my comment in deference to your superior ~~pun~~ joke.
Hugh-Janus: Please don't delete. 'Mercy on your underwear' is great, and my comment is appropriate only after following yours. So, let's leave it at that. Thanks for your kind words, btw.
theodrixx: Thanks, but we both know which pun is better. I have brought shame upon my family.
mootmath: ITT: Canadians.
ilikeeatingbrains: Quiet, peasant. We invented igloos and meese.
SleepyCommuter: Is that the plural of "moose"?
idefiler6: Did you really have to ask?
| 10 | 117.9 | |
1380761516 | 1380827417 | null | t5_2to41 | 100 | [deleted]: TIFU by not pulling out.
Don't worry, that crisis has already been averted. She had a Plan B pill.
My real blunder is as such:
So, I met this girl on OkCupid, and it turns out that she and I go to the same local community college. This is amazing because I live in a very small and remote desert community in Southern California, so pickings are pretty slim when it comes to dating. Anywho, we exchange messages on the website for a couple of days and then eventually move on to texting before ultimately deciding to meet up one day on campus. This girl is amazing for a few reasons. The first being that she is actually close to my own age (I am 30, she is 29) because the vast majority of the girls at this school are like 18-21. We immediately hit off, as far as interests go, when we were still messaging each other on the website. We like the same music and movies, we have similar school and career goals, we both have weird families, and a whole lot of other weird ass shit. So yeah, you get the picture.
Fast forward to last night:
I get a call from her around midnight. We had both been drinking beers for the better part of the evening, so we each had a pretty decent buzz going. She wants to know if she can come over for a bit to hang out since she was driving through my town anyways, and it was on the way of a long drive home. In my drunken haze I said yes, of course. She get's here like 20 minutes later and we spent the next few hours just hanging out in my room and talking about all sorts of things. Around four in the morning we are both starting to pass out and she asks if she can spend the night, so I say yes, and as soon as we are comfortable on my bed, sharing my one pillow, sexy times commence. I should note here that it has been several years since I have been in a relationship, and a year and a half since I've last had sex, so I was incredibly eager to do this and also not fuck it up in the process.
We start moving pretty fast, sort of like two bunny rabbits on crystal meth. We make out, that turns into heavy petting, which turns into clothes coming off, and then we're fucking. This is all within like 15 minutes. Now, since it had been so long for me, I was trying my damned hardest not to finish too fast, for her sake of course. Nope. Wrong. I can feel it starting to build up after about 3 minutes of thrusting. I'm thinking to myself, "I can do this. I can make this last god dammit." I manage to hold out for another couple of minutes, but then there is nothing I can do and I just unload inside. It was a tough decision to decide whether or not to pull out because I was still hard and I wanted to make sure she got hers too, so I just kept going until she sounded like she peaked. The worst part is that I didn't tell her that I finished inside until the morning when we were cuddling right before she had to leave to go to class. She didn't say anything at the time, other than that it was cool because she has a pill she can take, and we're all good. So I think we are all good. Wrong.
As I'm on the bus to school later in the morning, I get about 5 text messages in a row from her saying that me finishing inside AND THEN not telling her till the morning was really upsetting. It was pure luck, apparently, that she had the pill, and if she hadn't we both would have been fucked, even though she is cool with getting an abortion. She also tells me that years ago she miscarried a child that she really wanted at the time, so there's that little extra bit to make feel even shittier than I already do.
So, long story longer, I basically fucked up the potential for an awesome relationship with a cool girl in just a few days because I was a selfish idiot and didn't pull out. I also think I just set a new record for the fastest relationship fuck up.
TL;DR I'm an idiot.
Sturmgewehr: Who the hell keeps a plan B pill with them? That's just inviting bad times.
[deleted]: Smart people that like to have unprotected sex on the fly.
DoctorDbx: Smart people that like having unprotected sex is an oxymoron.
Edit: fixed autocorrect blunder
[deleted]: Your comment does not make any sense to me. Please restate.
DoctorDbx: http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oxymoron
Smart people don't have unprotected sex.
katori: On the fly, that is.
goingrogueatwork: What about on the mosquito?
| 8 | 12.5 | |
1380769201 | 1380976579 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | veesthrowaway: TIFU: By hitting a curb with my driving instructors car during an exam and forgetting to tell him
So I had my driving test today and long story short, I failed because of a left hand turn. Anyways, during the test, I was making a 3-point turn but hit the curb with the hubcap. The examiner told me I didn't fail the test because of that but, I was so thrown off after that, I pretty much bombed the test, and afterwards when I told my instructor that I failed, he drove me home and that was it. I realized afterwards that I forgot to tell him what I did when I looked at my phone later in the day and he left me a voicemail telling me to call him back. I'm pretty scared to call him back because I think he's gonna accuse me of purposefully not telling him, plus my father thinks I don't need the instructor's car anyways for my next attempt at the test. FUCK maybe it's not too big of a fuck up but I feel pretty ashamed.
TL;DR: Today I failed my driving test, then forgot about the curb I hit with the hubcap of instructor's car, and failed to tell him.
matthewosx: Well things could have been a lot worse. You probably just scratched a little bit of the paint off but hey you learning how to drive for a reason. I would say don't dwell on it, at least you didn't cause any major damages!
Inostroza: You obviously dont even know what a hubcap is. Its the plastic cover over the car's rim. He could have easily broken it off when he hit te curb and now the nasty rim is exposed
lowerUPPER: Not sure if you're joking or not, if it's only the hubcap that is broken then barely any damage has been done, OP could have easily scratched a little bit of paint off too however and this is signifigantly more expensive to fix.
Inostroza: id rather scratch my car than lose a hub cap
| 5 | 4.2 | |
1380772503 | 1380816154 | null | t5_2to41 | 119 | Forgotten_Tacos: Because apparently its been too many days since someone shat themselves. Lucking for you guys, TIFU.
TIFU by shitting myself no more than 5 min after I left home. I get dressed for school (college) and I'm waiting at the bus stop across the street from my house and I feel a fart coming on. Its a windy morning, kinda cold and while there was only one other person there waiting for the bus I thought "what the hell, the wind will blow away the smell". I let it rip and BAM. Shit happened.
The bus I was waiting for is just about to arrive, less than 50 ft away and I start to waddle away trying to pretend I forgot something in an attempt to preserve my dignity. I get home and inspect the damage and thankfully it never hit my pants. As I'm sitting there on the toilet shitting the rest of it out and I can't help but cringe at the thought of the other person watching we waddling away from the bus stop just as the bus was arriving, after I'd waited like 15 min. I wonder if he could tell.
Moral of the story, don't gamble on a fart.
Forgotten_Tacos: Lucking. Wow. I meant lucky.
dear reddit, TIFU on the title.
lamenralus: Today, ain't yo day.
| 3 | 39.666667 | |
1380762793 | 1380812959 | null | t5_2to41 | 56 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting a teacher see my phone
While at dinner with my Professor and an elderly middle school teacher, the teacher says, "Oh thats nice, may I see your phone?" After closing everything out I say "sure" and hand her the phone and continue talking to my Professor. Moments later I hear "OH! I don't know how to close this out!" And she pushes the phone back in my hand. I look down at the phone and she had clicked the internet button and it brought up an image a friend had sent me (http://i.imgur.com/CupzdLy.png). My prof asked what is was and I said "It was an imgur image of someone else's conversation" attempting to remove blame, when the teacher blurts out "It was nasty!" My professor kindly moved on to another topic without question and never said anything about it later.
I just started working with these people and though it could have been worse, this was pretty embarrassing for me. Im pretty sure she only read the first line and did not see the rest to realize it was a joke.
DoctorDbx: How do you pronounce "imgur"?
Chopes_: Imgur, duh.
DoctorDbx: as in Im-gur or Image-er ?
fredinvisible: It's supposed to be 'image-er', but I always pronounce it like 'im-jer'.
| 5 | 11.2 | |
1380773414 | 1380806158 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | Legion299: TIFU by trying to fix my computer and putting on a no-brainer hulk mode while doing it.
**WARNING**: extreme stupidity, autism, bipolar and dumbassry.
Before you say I am a completely retarded dumbass, I am very well aware of this and I wish I could go back in time and maul myself to death.
It was a bit special Wednesday because I couldn't access my computer 2 days prior to that and here I am, excited and ready to use the shit out of my computer when suddenly it BSODs. When I try to start it, it gave some beep codes which wasn't listed in the official beep code list. I was like "God dammit" and decided to be SuperRepairman!
Keep in mind, I have NO FUCKING clue about computers other than basics. I know what the mobo does, what the CPU does etc. But nothing advanced and nothing that should excuse me into opening the heatsink.
While internally, I was aware it's a memory problem and the most logical step was to wait until tommorow and call my merchant and ask for a replacement (warranty).
But NOPE, I was full on retarded mode and decided in a Hulk-voice "i WANT PLAY NOW!!!!!!!!!111".
I then carefully placed the computer's sides upwards so I could get a good look. What seemed like a cautious way of handling the computer was followed by me going rambo on the heatsink fan, I couldn't figure out how to unlock the metal bars (AM3 slot) and I proceed to use brute force on that shit.
Then, what happens next was that my heatsink wouldn't come off. It was around 3 years since I had to take off my heatsink so I was like "Hmm, I don't remember if it's supposed to do this or ***not***"
I then proceed to brute force the heatsink. GUESS WHAT HAPPENS! THE **GODDAMN** ***CPU*** **CHIP** CAME OFF WITH IT!
I didn't notice this at first, I was like "Oh, this is totally normal, moving on!". I then look at the mobo's CPU socket and I found no CPU. I was so fucking retarded atthat moment I had the nerves to think
"Wait what?... There's on CPU in here... uhhh what the hell could this mean?.... WAIT! Does this mean that I had been using the computer with no CPU this whole time?!"
But fortunately I was not that retarded, I shook it off and found out the CPU chip was in fact **GLUED** to the heatsink. This was obviously probably because I had poor thermalpaste placement, so I proceed to BRUTE FORCE the CPU off which resulted in the edge being bended. You should of seen when I seperated the CPU and the heatsink.
I used a pen's other end and started to use it like a crowbar between the CPU and the heatsink (it had a small gap) and then **FUCKIN' BAM** the CPU chip came off and proceeded to land on the ground with a clear *CHINK* noise while it hit the ground. Imagine a small tiny jewel being polished by a blacksmith when he's trying to make a Greatsword goddammit.
I then pick it up, and luckily no visible damage was done except the edge bended because I had used a pen-crowbar to seperate it from the heatsink. I put it in the socket, and then I put the heatsink over, then I proceed to lock in the metal bars on the heatsink.... but guess what? I didn't properly **put the CPU in the socket**, but I didn't realize that. So here is me trying to brute force the **FUCK** out of the metal bars while my CPU chip's pins was getting bended.
It took around 5 minutes until I gave up and took a look at the CPU chip itself. Also, before I did this, if you know the metal lock for the CPU socket, when I took out the CPU heatsink the CPU chip was also attached to it. BIG RED FLAG right here, BUT I was so oblivious and retarded I thought it was normal until a bit later. The socket lock was also not unlocked, which was a very big red flag.
I then noticed the CPU pins bent, so I grabbed a pen and started to go on craftsmen and readjust it. Instead of using a long object to properly adjust them I use a fucking pen. After that's done, I put it in and proceed to properly lock the heatsink.
After all that is done, I turn it back on. Surprisingly, it still worked but it still had the same problem. So in conclusion, I basically probably permanently damaged my CPU, mobo, case when in the end it was all a memory problem.
tl;dr I performed a vivisection on my computer thinking I was fixing it.
CaptainLevi23: As someone who works in IT/enjoys building PC's this made me wince - sometimes frustration does take over though, it's amazing how much anger you discover you had once you get a fiddly PC issue xD
Legion299: Yup, there's only 2 god damn things that ever makes me physically rage. Computers and slow internet.
To be fair, I am replacing my computer soon and I just kind of went into "fuck it" mode. I know well this is no excuse to be a brute in delicate work though.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1380825063 | 1380853633 | null | t5_2to41 | 507 | [deleted]: By leaving duty (as an RA) and going to a house party.
For some context, I was on duty, and i had the duty phone. If you're on duty, you must stay within five minutes distance. Also, you have to sign the phone off to someone 48 hours in advance if you are to pass it to someone else. Anyways, I was on duty with some co workers and i got a call from a friend that said they found a party to go to. I was immediately like, fuck i'm on duty, so I can't. A coworker of mine heard my convo and offered to hold the phone for me. (Mistake 1) I told him it was a bad idea, but then I thought about it and told myself the ever infamous saying of "What could really go wrong?" I left and met up with them and got to the party. I went in, and I shit you not, not 10 seconds later did i leave because of the extreme odor of weed that smacked me in the face the second I walked in. I had a friend come pick me up and realize how terrible of an idea it was, and I got back to campus and finished my rounds for the night. During my hall meeting that following week, apparently someone told my boss about it (I think I know who it was) and we had a meeting with her boss as well. I was fired and now I have to move away from the freshman area and begin compensating for all the financial benefits I was awarded. I've never felt like such a screw up to my future, my friends and my family.
TL;DR I'm an RA, was on duty, left to go to a party, realized how dumb it was, came back, finished the night, got fired the next week cuz someone told on me.
EDIT: Hm. I guess I type like a girl.
zalloy: Dude, that sucks. Not sure what sucks more. That you didn't even get to have a good time at the party, or that someone ratted you out and got you fired.
It's not like you left things unattended. Your co-worker was supposed to be covering for you. Unless your co-worker was the one who ratted... That would be a pretty low thing to do.
WeskerFare: I do think that the one I was one duty with was the one that told. What bothers me even more is that she is a third year RA (I'm a newbie) and didn't try to stop me from leaving or even talk to me about it when I returned. Just ratted. I know it's my fault and all, but we were supposed to be a family. Family won't let someone fuck up like that.
zalloy: That totally reeks of a setup. I mean, as a third year RA, she should have just told you that you couldn't leave. What she did was totally underhanded, to say the least. If you weren't supposed to leave, then why did she offer to take over for you? She sounds like this guy I used to work with that would ask people to sell him weed, and then if they did, he would turn around and rat them out to management.
Is there any chance you could try talking to the bosses and explaining the situation further, and letting them know that you weren't fully aware of the rule, and now that you are, if they consider giving you your job back, it won't happen again?
If not, I'd start looking for ways to screw over the girl that ratted. What comes around goes around.
[deleted]: There's not a chance in hell of being reinstated, they trust you with the keys to the kingdom. If you fuck that up you're out.
zalloy: I can totally understand that. It's a trust thing. The thing that sticks in my craw is that someone more experienced didn't step up and tell OP that it was against the rules for her to leave, regardless of having someone else to take over. Then the very person that told OP "Yeah, go ahead. Have fun. I've got this." turns around and tells on her for not following the rules. If it was a violation of the rules, then why did she offer to take over for OP? Some ulterior motive, perhaps?
If that person hadn't offered to take over for her, she wouldn't have gone to the party in the first place. And if she hadn't gone to the party, we wouldn't be all talking about what happened in this thread, because no rules would have been broken, and nobody would have gotten stabbed in the back by someone they evidently thought they could trust.
[deleted]: It's not like OP didn't know the rules before the other person did this. I'm not saying what the other person did was right, it's despicable, but there's also a point where OP knew the rules and still broke them. There's no excuse for that, it doesn't matter that someone else offered to take over, she shouldn't have gone. She's in a position of authority, so she needs to be trustworthy. If something had gone wrong it is a huge deal that the residence would have been liable for because she did not follow procedure (it doesn't matter that someone else is covering, insurance probably still wouldn't recognize it based on the 48 hour rule). Everyone fucks up and I feel awful for OP, but at the same time you can't blame someone else and you can't blame the school for not wanting to keep her as a staff member when she broke such an important rule.
zalloy: Good point. I hadn't considered the potential insurance liability issue.
| 8 | 63.375 | |
1380830631 | 1381009505 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by sleeping at my girlfriends house
i picked up my gf from work and was taking her home at about 11pm. we get to her house and she wanted me to come in. her mom (who ive never met) works nightshift so the house was empty. we shower together and have great sex and eventually sleep until about 8am when we hear her mom and her moms friend come through the door. now im trapped in her room on the 2nd floor and cant leave without walking past her mom and her moms friend.
5 hours later im still waiting for her moms friend to leave and her mom to go to sleep in her room. i have to use the bathroom badly but cant leave without being seen. i resort to using a empty water bottle.
3hours later her mom leaves to pick up the kids from school. the friend stays however and is blocking my escape path. my gf and i devise a plan where she pretends to divert her attention into the kitchen allowing me to slip out the door. i fucked up and jumped the gun and was caught mid sprint with shoes in hand towards the door. after being caught and an awkward painful hello and goodbye i bolt for the door. as soon as shut the door behind me i hear an eruption of laughter.
i am now sitting in the car outside waiting for her to come down and we go out.
AuctionSniper: You should've gave her mom the D too.
kakakrabbypatty: [Wat](http://fc01.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2011/323/d/9/rainbow_dash_wat__by_richhap-d4gppx9.png)
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1380833064 | 1381020980 | null | t5_2to41 | 90 | [deleted]: TIFU By feeding a Muslim friend 'pork extract' noodles
polyoxyethylene: It's not your fault. If a dietary requirement is really that important to you, you do not neglect it or assume that an unknown food is okay. Ever.
Fgmaniac: I couldn't agree with you more. Unless he's a young child, or does not understand the language enough to read the label, you are not to be blamed.
He was not force fed. I live in Toronto, one of the most culturally diverse cities in the world. Around 70% of my high school has one dietary restriction or another, some food from the ground during fasting seasons (garlic, onions, sweet potatoes), some meats, and some pork. Every time they bum a snack, they always check if they are unsure.
Of course, some of them make mistakes, but I've never seen anyone blame another person for their mistakes.
Whoops, you didn't know that my Doritos chips had garlic powder?
They just laugh, brush it off, and remember for next time.
If he's angry at you, don't feel bad. If he's really hurt, try to make him feel better, but don't blame yourself at all. He fucked up more than you did.
To everyone who finds this inconsiderate, I've had this conversation with countless of my Muslim and Hindu friends, and every single one of them sat that the mistake is one that they make their own. They say that it is unbecoming of someone of their own religion to pressure others to feel bad for not reminding them of their own dietary restrictions.
Yes, I inform my Muslim friends which cheese slices were next to pepperoni slices on a half-and-half pizza, but when they take a wrong one by mistake (happened once or thrice) they slap their own wrist, and still thank me for the free pizza.
Even though it would be nice to inform them if you know of their dietary restriction is at risk of being broken in snacks or other nourishment, it's not obligatory. Don't beat yourself up.
Cranky_Mcbitch_pants: What kind of crazy religion makes you stop eating garlic or onions.
| 4 | 22.5 | |
1380835088 | 1380898415 | null | t5_2to41 | 950 | deletethisacc: TIFU by sneezing while driving
I was on the freeway and violently sneezed like 5 times and by the time I could recover, the airbag was in my face. Totaled the car, fml.
supertechman: Happened to a friend of mine in high school. He was driving on a two-lane road, suddenly and violently sneezed, crossed the double-yellow center-line and crashed head-on into a mid 60ish lady driving the other way. She was killed instantly.
He was fortunate (in a manner of speaking), as her only relative was an estranged son in prison in another state, so he wasn't sued for wrongful death. He got a ticket, but other than that, no charges. I know it really affected him though...he wouldn't talk about it for years.
fiercelyfriendly: So, in your country some lives are valued differently to others? So as long as their only relatives are estranged its fine to go killing people? Really?
LittleWhiteGirl: I feel like they meant her only relative wasn't in a position to press charges, so their friend walked away with a ticket instead of a lawsuit. To me it didn't sound like they devalued her life.
fiercelyfriendly: Not sure I get this, why is it down to the relatives to press charges? Doesn't the state have a role to play. You know, "causing death by careless driving" manslaughter etc. in my country if you kill someone, sure you may get less if it was not deliberate etc, but the prosecution will be by the state and you will find yourself facing at least manslaughter charges. A person dies, you don't just get a ticket.
Giacomo_iron_chef: I don't think he was careless. He sneezed... Accidents happen, regardless of how hard we try to be safe, especially on the road which is inherently dangerous. It would be different if he was out for a joy ride or drunk. People shouldn't be harshly punished for something outside their control.
fiercelyfriendly: I'm not saying he should be harshly punished, I'm questioning why it should be down to relatives to bring charges.
IAmTheGodDamnDoctor: Relatives don't bring charges, they take you to civil court in order to get money.
fiercelyfriendly: I thought that was what the drivers car insurance was for. Sorry, I'm just trying to relate this to what I'm used to in Britain. Why should relatives have to sue anybody? Don't insurance companies pay out?
IAmTheGodDamnDoctor: They usually won't pay a lot. And maybe the driver wasn't insured. Or maybe the insurance company decided to fuck up its investigation (happened to a friend of mine insurance company said he ran a red light when, in actuality, the person who hit him ran a red). There are a ton of reasons why you would get little to no money to cover your medical/funeral bills. Which is why the US ends up being a little sue happy.
| 10 | 95 | |
1380838096 | 1380918327 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | [deleted]: By turning down a chick who asked me to get together to "study"
I thought she was serious... I'm a fucking idiot.
zallen1868: On a scale of 1 to 10, how hot was she?
austex_mike: >On a scale of 1 to 10, how hot was she?
You asked this question incorrectly. You need to know the hotness difference scale. So if OP is a 3 and she is a 9, the difference is -6 against OP. If the difference was that large then turning down anything the 9 offered him would be stupid. However, if OP is a 6 and she is a 5.5, then the hotness difference is +.5 in favor of the OP, in which case the OP will be fine and can just reschedule.
KalTheory89: I'm 24 years old yet this difference scale theorem is totally new to me. I am however going to incorporate it from here on out. Thanks!
| 4 | 7 | |
1380848550 | 1380852746 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: Tifu by accidentally telling her how I feel..
So as per usual with posts such as this... background: I am a junior in highschool and I have been hanging around one of this year's exchange students, let's call her Sky. She's we have a class and a study hall together, I have no idea what the class is doing because usually her and I talk and joke the whole period every day, in the study hall we text and communicate through various outlets the whole period as well. Now for the past 2 weeks I've began to sort of fall for her, she's always on my mind and I always cheer up when I see her. She's smart funny and really hot (great ass, nice rack, cute face, and pretty hair) For the last week or so we've been skipping or going late to some after school activities so we can hang out (track for me cross country for her if anyone cared) and we've been talking about spending more time together outside of school, now Sky has been obviously sending me messages like casual flirting, wanting me to wait for her so we can walk to class together or wanting me to walk to her locker with her after class almost got me in trouble a day I had detention, I was roaming the halls with her and we were talking about TV she liked, I didn't realize I was 10 minutes late and found it hard to make myself break away from her and meander down to the room in which it was held that day. More background: she's part of this like group of exchange students that hang out randomly (idk maybe like a support group if they're lonely) and she sometimes references a German Ill name him Frederick she hasn't really hinted much to whether or not he's friend or more... On with the tale now!
So today as usual we text, snap chat, & etc through the whole study hall, I pack up all my shit and walk over to her (she sits across the room the seats are assigned by last name) and we casually chat all the way to our class, class goes by teacher's talking about stuff we're not really paying attention while talking to each other and people right around us (she mentions ole Frederick once) Class ends and I tell her I'm skipping track to go home and sleep, so we say bye and go our separate ways. so I go home and pass out on the couch, wake up to a Facebook message notification from an old friend I hadn't talked to in a long time (he moved to another city) and we caught up over several messages, we got to talking about each others girl situation's I told him about Sky and hit send about halfway through what I was saying the "blank is typing" thing came up and didn't go away for a few minutes so I put my Droid down and shut my eyes, the phone vibrates and I read his message, so I unlock the phone and touch the messenger icon (fuckup imminent) and without really looking I proceed to type
"Dude she's awesome and I really like her, just idk how to tell her, & even If I did she seems into the German guy anyways sigh...."
That's it verbatim copied from the message. And hit send, hearing no response tone I go back to sleep, fast forward to 730 pm I awake to see I have three texts. I had not sent the message to my freind through Facebook messenger I had texted my last texted person through regular texting, guess who got it? Sky. The three texts came about 20 min after mine they were
"Who?" (Referring to who do I like)
"Oh." (About a minute later)
"I gecha" (about the same time as "oh")
I texted her : "Oh... I meant to msg that to a FB friend I was talking to..."
That was closing in on two hours ago and I don't have a response.. I don't know, maybe I missed something maybe she doesn't like me, or... I just I don't know I'm really down now, I really liked her and I was exited to start being together more and such...
Is there any advice out there? Or any possible input on what could be going through her head?
friedjumboshrimp: Dude, you're golden. Don't worry about it, it was a genius mistake. She now knows how you feel and if she likes you she will come around. If she doesn't then it wasn't meant to be. Go to school and DO NOT treat her any different then you did in the past, be friendly and fun and flirty like you always have. This is going to work out. If she mentions it go ahead and tell her how you've been crushing on her.
[deleted]: Thanks friend, you just turned my outlook on this mistake around.
friedjumboshrimp: Just don't over compensate and ignore her because you think you f'ed up. Be natural.
[deleted]: I'm kind of tempted to text her something along the lines of "so I did mean to send that to someone else,but I do feel that way about you Sky." Too much or not enough?
friedjumboshrimp: How about "I was just telling someone how awesome you are, but by mistake I sent it to you"
| 6 | 1.833333 | |
1380893970 | 1380983672 | null | t5_2to41 | 198 | [deleted]: My mom just walked in on me masturbating
I did it in my bathroom, had my phone on the sink. The locks don't work, so we count on each other to knock before opening the door. She didn't. I jumped and yelled "I am here", tried to push back the door. It was about a second til she closed back the door. In that second I saw her eyes directly at me. It's not really my fuck up, more of hers, but I feel fucking horrible right now.. god dammit mom you're supposed to knock! I don't know what to do with myself.. jesus..
just wanted to share.. did anyone have similar experiences?
[deleted]: Go downstairs, be all confident and look her in the eye and just say "If you wanted to watch all you had to do was ask."
She will **never** not knock again.
SirDiego: Something something broken arms, etc.
[deleted]: Was confused for a second, then I remembered about that story.
All I meant was make her feel like the more embarrassed party and privacy will be his!
Luckily(?) my mum died before I started masturbating.
lacrimaeveneris: > Luckily(?) my mum died before I started masturbating.
There's a phrase you don't see too often.
[deleted]: Just call me Mr Bright Side :)
| 6 | 33 | |
1380881152 | 1380964448 | null | t5_2to41 | 103 | skypetifu: TIFU by doing Skype sexy time
So... Let me preface this by apologizing for any errors because I'm on mobile. Also a throwaway cause I'm so embarrassed.
Set up. Today I received a text, out of the blue, from a longtime friend. She (19) and I (19 m) have known each other since about first grade. The text asked me that, were someone to offer me a blow job, if I'd accept. Thinking one of her friends took her phone and is simply messing with me, I answer coyly. "Is that a proposition?" "Yes," she replied, "I'm offering to give you head."
I feign concern, ask if her BF isn't doing it for her anymore, etc (remember, I'm thinking that this is one of her friends) and to make a long story a bit shorter, I found out that it actually is her and that her BF not only dumped her, but cheated on her. Apparently, I was her goto revenge fun. I'm not complaining.
Fast forward to later in the evening. Seeing as I live a fair distance from her and can't get into town soon, we Skype. It starts out innocent enough, but soon progresses to clothes coming off and sexual questions tossed around like confetti. It was fun. She's stunning, I've liked her for years, my head swims because this is so fucking awesome.
Right?
***Wrong.***
Dead wrong. We're going along and, honestly, it was my first time through the computer. Kind of awkward but so hot I didn't care. She looked (and sounded) like she was having a good time and I know that I was.
And then it hits me.
Like a slap from a massively erect God whose erectile prowess is sapping all ability to stay hard from my own body, I get soft and limp. I look down in shame, and feel in my cheeks a deep, burning rouge. I stammer an apology, making the honest statement that this has never happened before. Usually, things are picture perfect.
She says my embarrassment is cute and reminds me that it would be impossible for that to happen when it comes down to it. This was just a rehearsal and the final act needs some work.
She says that she ought to sleep. I agree.
I've been staring at my computer, occasionally glancing with disdain at my flaccid genitals, and sipping a glass of scotch as I type this up.
TL;DR, the wood happened to shy away when the beaver came near.
EDIT: Duck you, you ducking phone, you ducking piece of trash.
grzz01: How does a 19 year old have access to scotch?
yellowtag: He could have some cool friends, or he could also, you know, not be in the pseudo police state of the US
skypetifu: Or have cool parents, as the case may be.
yellowtag: Or a cool butler, ya know, in case your parents were murdered in front of you when you were like 9 outside a theater.
skypetifu: Well Alfred certainly has taken on both mom's AND dad's roles since that affair. I guess that's why they spend so much time in the bedroom making noises.
Clearly, dad is trying to keep mom from powdering their nose. Right?
| 6 | 17.166667 | |
1380899239 | 1380962957 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,354 | ifuckedupbad_12: TIFU by going on Tumblr in the college library..
So yesterday I turned up a few minuets late to college, I try looking for my class but can't find them, I go to a class where the lecturer asks me to wait whilst they try and get ahold of my lecturer. Whilst waiting, the person I've been waiting for comes into the classroom and I end up leaving the classroom with him.
He tells me that the people who have turned up have mostly gone home because they couldn't find the class that we were meant to be in and that he was phoning around and trying to get people to come back in. We have a polite conversation and he tells me that I don't have a class until 11am and it'll hopefully be in the room that's timetabled for us. By this point it's twenty past nine in the morning and I have an hour and 40 minuets to kill, so I decide to go to somewhere familiar and end up doing that for awhile. When my friends go on their break I join them, I've completely lost track of time by this point and by the time I've noticed this, it's already half past 11 and I go hunting for my class, I go to the room that's been timetabled, or atleast I thought was timetabled, and no-one was in there, so I've ended up in the library fucking around on the internet, my friend, lets call him Sam, has joined me by this point and I tell him the situation, he agrees to go to the library and we're both just fucking around, I'm on Tumblr and he's on YouTube and stuff.
I should of really known better than to go on Tumblr but there really isn't much else to do and as my dashboard has some 'explicit' content, I try my best to scroll past it as quick as I can without causing a problem, however as I'm doing this a message pops up on my screen saying that 'screenshots are being taken of my 'inappropriate' use of the computers and are being sent to my lecturer', I obviously closed Tumblr straight away because I didn't know my computer usage was being monitored and the next thing I know my computer has been logged off and my account has been logged off, I didn't really think much of it, to be honest, was abit worried but I was just thinking that I'll get a smack on the wrist, type of thing.
Fast-forward to today, my parents have been called and the college are calling a meeting about my 'inappropriate' behaviour and I know it's not going to end very well at all.
TL;DR - Couldn't find my college class so I went to the college library where I was browsing Tumblr, instead of trying to find to my class, screenshots of 'explicit' content which I was trying to scroll past on Tumblr was screenshotted by admins who work in the library and sent to my college lecturer, they phoned my parents and have called a meeting for Tuesday afternoon and I'm probably going to be kicked out of college because I'm on a trial period anyway. I'm from the UK and I've just turned sixteen, so this is a big deal.
Edit: I tried to explain the TL;DR abit better.
imjustsayintho: Lol. They called your parents? What the fuck kind of childish shit is that?
ifuckedupbad_12: Yeah I know right? The likely hood of this meeting is that I'm probably going to be kicked out from this college.
majorkev: You're an adult, and can look at adult things as much as you want.
Them calling your parents is retarded. You should point that out in your meeting.
ifuckedupbad_12: I think it's more to do with it's looking at explicit content in a more public place in the college. I can somewhat understand it, still bullshit, but it's probably because I have a history of slacking off and just not turning up to classes because I can't be bothered and ending up in the library doing nothing doesn't help. But it was literally just a massive misunderstanding. Iunno. It's crazy stuff.
strngsvlmstng96: I thought parents were supposed to be completely out of the picture in college? =l
ifuckedupbad_12: Not if you've literally just turned sixteen, when you're 18 parents get cut out of the picture.
shirtandtieler: Im guessing most people ITT that are asking why parents are being called in college, like /u/strngsvlmstng96 and I, are having some cultural misunderstanding lol.
megalurkeruygcxrtgbn: ...so what's college in the UK?
sprucay: Essentially it's the last two years of high school.
| 10 | 135.4 | |
1380923381 | 1380925325 | null | t5_2to41 | 83 | girlmeetsbear: TIFU by getting a post-it stuck between my front teeth
Eat salad for lunch. Sometimes the sharp corners of a post-it, or envelope, can push out stuff between your teeth, ya know? Well today I got one good and stuck right between my front teeth. In my attempt to pull it out the (hot pink) post-it ripped, wedging its remains further into my gums. I used a plastic tea bag corner to finally push it down and out. Felt some considerable tooth movement in the process. Now my front teeth don't touch.
TL;DR I properly undid 3+ years of night time retainer wearing.
Jozan999: Is it as bad as Arnold Schwarzenegger??
girlmeetsbear: Thankfully, no.
Jozan999: Then it's not that bad haha. Still, you would've been able to do great impersonations!
| 4 | 20.75 | |
1380926040 | 1381093237 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,025 | inspiredman: Flirting With Girl And It Was All Good When...
dablackbelt: Bro.....
UnknownSense: Dude......
NastyGringo: Dog.....
i_jump_wakes: Dawg…
ThaBlobFish: Lion...
i_jump_wakes: Snoop lion
Beetlebomb: ...Snoop Dog....
TheKidWithBieberHair: *Dogg
Beetlebomb: **Doge
| 10 | 102.5 | |
1380931337 | 1380945485 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | Chazboski: TIFU by trying to take a shit
So I haven't been sleeping well this week, which means my caffeine input is higher than normal. As will happen, my lower intestine wasn't as enthused about this as Pepsi stock holders were. Today, I paid for my caffeine addled hubris. Realizing the murder scene likely waiting beneath my pale thighs, I opted for a courtesy flush. For my dog Toby's sake. This is where things go wrong.
As I flush, I realize that it sounds a bit different. As I'm trying break down exactly what could cause that, the back of my neck breaks out in what I assume to be a cold sweat. Realizing I'm not that out of shape, I decided that there must be an alternative answer. It seems that the tiny hose that controls the water flow for my tank had broken loose. This change in engineering had let loose a torrent of water out of the side.
Knowing this isn't a sustainable development in my bathroom logistics, I spring into action.
Unfortunately for my story, springing into action is less dramatic than expected and consists solely of removing the tank's lid. Fortunately for my story, without a lid constraining the water, it was free to live out it's dreams. Unfortunately for me, that dream was to spray me in the face with the force and accuracy unrivaled by anything outside of back alley films from Thailand. My poop had become a shower, and I was worse off for it.
TL:DR Thought I was going to take a poop-got blasted in the face by toilet water.
onetrueping: You do realize that the tank and the bowl do not have a single consistent flow of water, right? The tank is relatively clean water, discounting the usual sediment to be found in pipes.
Chazboski: Of course, luckily I was being blasted in the face by the cleaner toilet water.
Fgmaniac: Gosh, haven't you watched Oprah? Everyone knows that toilet water is cleaner than triple reverse-osmosis filtered mountain spring water run under a UV light. Trust me, why don't you take another sip...
^^^^^My ^^^^^evil ^^^^^quota ^^^^^is ^^^^^fulfilled!
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1380994632 | 1381009387 | t3_1nrt0v | t5_2to41 | 5 | Devo9090: why was she pissed? i dont get what there is to be mad about
nowonmai: If anything, she should be impressed that he was man enough to be honest with her.
Sheepyshoe: You would think so, but I dot think she really bought it, she replied with something along the lines of "I bet you say that to all the girls to get then to leave"
nowonmai: Dude... from someone who has been on the receiving end of the wrath of one or two women scorned. That isn't pissed. Not by a long chalk.
Good on you for being straight with her, though.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1380939756 | 1380997662 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | iamahipcat: TIFU by trying to clean my saxophone
I was playing my soprano sax today and decided that it would be a good time to clean it. I went into the case and grabbed a swab, figuring it would fit through it. Well, I was wrong. I pulled it on through like I usually do, but it got stuck. I pulled and I pulled until it finally came up. I looked down and with the swab, came the neck of the sax, ripped right from where it was welded on. I spent the next hour trying and trying different methods to get the swab out, but all I ended up with was a few burns, a deep cut in my thumb, and a still broken saxophone.
haminacup: Not welded, but soldered. Stop trying to fix it yourself and get it in to a local repair shop. It won't exactly be cheap to fix, but soldering definitely isn't the most difficult/expensive repair out there, and the cost is certainly better than what it'll end up being if you break your saxophone more.
Source: worked at a music repair shop for 3 years
iamahipcat: Yeah, after 20 minutes, I decided to give up. I'll be sending it as soon as I have chance. Thanks for the reply!
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1380987172 | 1381001215 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | user29639: TIFU by losing my passport.
The title says it all. I lost my fucking passport.
My dad is going to kill me. He lives in Texas I live in Florida, how the hell am i going to tell him. I'm so screwed.
Edit: Fuck yeah, found it!!!
Muchhappiernow: You could use the phone, send an email, even a text message would work in getting in touch with him. You could just go down to the post office and apply for a new one. You will lose all of those pretty stamps from faraway lands, but with any amount of luck, as soon as you get a new one, your old passport will show up in your luggage from your last venture overseas. (At least that is my experience with credit cards and drivers licenses)
PixelOrange: > You could just go down to the post office and apply for a new one.
Well, those things are expensive, so that's probably why he's upset.
jimmy_talent: Also can you even get a new passport right now with the government shutdown?
PixelOrange: You can. I was going to mention that, but it appears that since they are supported by fees that you can get them through any place that issues them that isn't shut down. For example, I can go to the post office to get one.
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1380986235 | 1381106529 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,957 | whisperkick: TIFU By using my vibrator in the shower.
I'm a College Student who attends University in the same city I grew up in, so to save money I'm living with my parents until I graduate. Yesterday I came home from class to find no one home, so I decided I could use a little "me-time" in the shower. I grabbed my shampoo and the little purple vibrator my boyfriend gave me (how romantic) and got freaky with it. fast forward almost 24 hours. I wake up, ready for a new day, step into the shower and see, dun dun dun, my little purple vibrator sitting on the ledge of my shower... I felt like i was in one of those horror movies where the camera zooms onto the characters face and the background just pans away out of the shot. My mother, and my brother have both used this shower since yesterday... There is almost no way they didn't notice my bright purple "toy". Nothing has been said and hopefully this will never be a topic of discussion with my family. But, needless to say, I'm feeling pretty awkward right now...
TL;DR: I left my vibrator in the shower that my brother and mother both use and now I'm positive they know everything...
PixelOrange: Your mom was probably thinking, "Jesus whisperkick, pick up after yourself."
Your brother was probably thinking, "I didn't need to see that."
Your brother definitely masturbates.
Edit: After reading the replies... I regret nothing.
theinspirond: Honestly, I've masturbated to weirder things, so I think masturbating to the smell of your sister's used vibrator is ok.
bigbossodin: Dude, what the *fuck*?!
m0rg0th1337: You must be new here.
bigbossodin: Not *that* new.
timetraveler1912: But have you seen /r/spacedicks ?
bigbossodin: ###NOPE NOPE NOPE WITH AN EXTRA HELPING OF ***NOPE***!!
Introverivative: Bro, stop hogging all the nope. Wheres my portion
bigbossodin: I've got this side of 'No thanks'. Is that any good?
Introverivative: Ughh dunno. Seems too, ugh, *pompous*. I need more of a straight forward NOOOOOOOOOOOO. Like that. You got anymore of that?
bigbossodin: Like a Darth Vader 'Nooooooo' or bad guy falling into a pit, 'Nooooooo!'
Introverivative: More like Oenamaius (I know, its his name form Spartacus not 300, I just only know him as Oenamaius) when he's falling into the pit in 300. Just a great big AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH or somethin like that
| 13 | 150.538462 | |
1380988634 | 1381085133 | null | t5_2to41 | 122 | Itsrane: TIFU by overestimating my digestive system
I was not doing well this past week. Not well at all. No amount of straining produced more than the smallest, puniest little bit of hard poop, while the pressure of the rest taunted me. I tried eating greens. Lots of greens. Water. Nothing worked.
So I decided to tackle this medicinally. I got a box of laxative pills.
I usually pride myself in knowing what to do with medication. Maybe hubris was my downfall? I don't know. Pride goeth before the fall, and so on.
I looked the directions over carefully. It said to take a pill, and to expect a movement (so to speak) 6 to 8 hours afterwards. If that doesn't work, the box told me, take another 1 to 3 pills, without going over 3 pills a day. *Hah!* I thought. *One pill? And it might not do it's job? I'll just take 2 now. I've been poopless for a week!*
This was yesterday. I took the pills and went to bed.
This morning, I was awakened by a loud rumbling from my gut. I felt hot, and a thin sheen of sweat covered my body. *Ah, it's the laxatives!* I ran to the bathroom.
Everything was expelled. I bet my colon is shiny now.
But here's where my fuck up comes into play.
The cramping doesn't go away. It continues. I instinctively strain, but there's nothing more to strain out.
And so I sit here, typing this out, while my stomach tries to eject itself through my ass.
**Post-sit edit:** I either did not learn my lesson, or I'm tempting fate. But I can't say no to the first cup of coffee of the day. I hope I don't need to edit this with more fuckery (though I think you guys hope that I do).
OkonkwoJones: Well, at least you didn't shit yourself while you were in your bed.
Itsrane: I can proudly say I've never shit myself since I started wearing my big girl pants.
Fuck, I've jinxed it now, haven't I?
kakakrabbypatty: I honestly thought you were a dude. Everyone knows that girls can't poop.
Itsrane: That's exactly my problem. I couldn't poop.
juicylips336: You're not an adult until you poop yourself. Everybody gets one.
Itsrane: Yay, I'm not an adult!
But then again, I did have ice cream for breakfast today. That's something only adults do, right?
juicylips336: Hey that's the adult I wanna be!
| 8 | 15.25 | |
1381004316 | 1381018691 | null | t5_2to41 | 122 | MonarchOfPlanetX: TIFU by trying to save my shower beer.
I live in a basement apartment, so creepy crawlies are something that I just have to deal with sometimes. I'm cool with all of them.. except house centipedes. Seriously.. fuck those guys.
Anyway, I was in the shower minding my own business, having a shower beer and thinking about life, when I looked down and there was this **massive** centipede in the tub losing it's mind. It ran over my foot, which made me try to jump out of the way and get it off. This would have been fine if I had just let go of my beer and grabbed onto something for balance. Instead, I tried to stop my beer from spilling, which meant I had nothing to grab when I slipped on the obviously slippery tub, and came crashing down on my knee. The little bastard then scurried up the shower curtain and somewhere into my apartment, where he now lives in victory knowing that he kicked a human's ass.
So, here I am, sitting with ice on my knee, thinking about how an insect outsmarted me.
Oh, and the beer totally spilled when I fell.
**tl;dr Got ambushed by a house centipede, tried to save my beer instead of myself and ended up fucking up both.**
ecclectic: House centipedes are actually beneficial, they're ~~carnivorous~~ insectivores and will eat all the other little creepy crawlies like ants, mites, roaches (i think) etc.
Funnelcayk: > carnivorous
All of my NOPE.
ecclectic: Sorry, inaccuracy there, insectivore, not carnivore.
[
They're really useful bugs to have around](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scutigera_coleoptrata#Behavior_and_ecology)
edit:
[Also, relatively harmless to humans in the worst of cases](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scutigera_coleoptrata#Interaction_with_humans)
Walking_Encyclopedia: But centipedes aren't insects...
ecclectic: No, they eat insects though.
Venus fly traps aren't animals, but they are carnivorous.
| 6 | 20.333333 | |
1381001784 | 1381084418 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | ifuckedupbigtimethro: Got drunk, told a bunch of friends about a girl i got it on with.
santowasso: You guys have a night where you get drunk and play monopoly? If I did that with my friends that would turn violent really fast.
Man_Shoes: Doing that is pretty much a death sentence for me... since the monopoly incident of 2011 alcohol and board games are kept in separate houses all together.
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1381008351 | 1381096172 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | freakDWN: TIFU By loosing my wallet the worst way possible
Ok Im sure loosing wallets it´s something common, I mean they are small and really easy to loose right? Ok so last night I had a really solemn dinner, that would start by 7 PM. Trying to be a Badass I didnt show up until 8:30PM point in which I´m really stressed out because my GF is already there, so I take a taxi to hurry up the process. While getting off the ride my wallet fell off my pocket inside the car, and I dont notice this untill I´m inside. I take the thing for lost, I just accept my fate and let it go. Pretty normal right? Well guess what! It gets insane on part two.
I dont tell anyone, I have ways to get back copies of all I lost, and the only thing I really loose is 20$. Apparently good guy taxi driver (probably a disguised and retired DeNiro) returns my wallet to a random radio station, a radio station that mocks everyone and everything they can, so they naturally ramble about all that I lost, describe all of my possesions inside the thing to faithfull listeners, as is my cousin's fiancee, who alerts him about the situation. My dear cousin tells me about this and I naturally want to kill myself, so now Im looking forward to go there tomorrow and get humiliated live.
TL;DR: I lost my wallet and It was yelled and mocked at county level.
ashling_the_pilgrim:
>Loose<
:|
alt-f4-minded: I know, right? Proper conjugation is loosen, loosening, loosened.
lose_vs_loose: I see you've got everything under control here.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1381016640 | 1381358656 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | Markshlitz222: TIFU by brushing my teeth with preparation H
It was gross
DSpire: At least you didn't put toothpaste in/around your asshole. Definitely the lesser of two evils going on here.
Markshlitz222: but my asshole would at least be minty fresh
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1381032172 | 1381368834 | null | t5_2to41 | 188 | MyBigDirtySecret: TIFU by not shitting
Sorry in advanced for any spelling, this is from my phone...
Today I was watching insidious at my house with a guy I have a crush on. We had been eating pizza earlier, and I forgot that chicken bacon ranch pizza gives me the worst shits.
So there we are, I'm slowly using every jump to move closer. I'm pretty good at predicting, so none of them actually scare me... But then one time, I literally get the shit scared out of me. I'm sitting there, something makes me jump, and I feel my bowels loosen.
Not a lot, but more than I can just sit there with, and it smells. I quickly excuse myself, go to the bathroom, shit, and then change.
I'm hoping he didn't notice, because he hasn't said anything, but there is no way he didn't smell it...
Edit: update - I didn't ask him about it, and he didn't say anything about it, but he asked if we wanted to hang out again tonight! Maybe it wasn't as bad of a fuck up as I thought!!!
ThoseTortillas: > Not a lot, but more than I can just sit there with
What amount of poop would you have been comfortable sitting in?
TheKidWithBieberHair: A shitload,
*ba dum tis*
Zer0MR: Bazzinga!!
[deleted]: No.
| 5 | 37.6 | |
1381036937 | 1381068856 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | exgiexpcv: TIFU by suggesting to my female mentor that a co-worker was being difficult because she's pregnant.
She's been in a number of at times loud and vehement disagreements with people, including me, insisting she provided me with documents I never saw.
N. b. In her defense, I have been experiencing confusion and memory problems lately.
So I was meeting with my female mentor, and I started to talking about this issue, and I could see a visible change come over her face, as if I'd grabbed the flight controls on a plane and suddenly went into a dive.
Desperately pulling back on the controls, I did my best to steer the conversation away from the squalid Sargasso sea of shit I'd been diving towards, but the damage was done. She listened politely to my attempts at diversion, and then ushered me out of her office moments later.
My married friend explained to me later: you do not ever mention women being in any way different when they're pregnant to another woman. You do not ever mention "the change." Basically anything to do with women is Fight Club rules when speaking to other women.
exgiexpcv: I blame my familial tendency towards Asperger's, even though my brother is the one that's full-blown, and I am comparatively well-off in terms of social skills. But I am single, and will likely die single. I am too gifted, and too odd by most people's standards to sustain a relationship, I think.
Herxheim: > I am too gifted, and too odd by most people's standards to sustain a relationship, I think.
that's a bullshit excuse for being too self-centered. you don't have to live up to most people's standards to have a relationship, you only have to meet one's.
exgiexpcv: These aren't the only factors weighing against me; my childhood was very violent, and I had some awful things occur -- which I summed up as "too odd." Try to imagine having PTSD at age five, if you will.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1381046323 | 1381080650 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | notalurker99: TIFU by trying to break up with my GF at the worst time
So, I made the ill-thought idea to dump my girlfriend only a couple hours after her friend died in a hit-and-run. I **HATE** to see people sad, and crying. Well, she called me, crying about finding out she was single. I really didn't want any confrontation, so I ended up taking her back. So now I have a girlfriend that I don't want, plus I have to help her grieve. Yay me!
TL;DR: Tried to break up with girlfriend after friend died, still stuck with girlfriend.
JustAnotherLondoner: Helping her through this grief is the job of a friend, breaking up with her the same day makes you an asshole.. you don't have to act like a boyfriend if you don't feel that way about her anymore, but helping her through this is something any decent person would do - even if you hate seeing people sad and crying. Suck it up. I'm sure she hates being sad and crying more than you hate seeing it.
notalurker99: I was planning on breaking up with her for two days, I didn't realize her friend was dead yet.
JustAnotherLondoner: Yeah I just meant breaking up with her now is likely to make you come across as an asshole; its probably better to help her through it first.
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1381029875 | 1381369471 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | greensign: TIFU by slapping a remote on my stomach
I was lying on my futon watching family guy and bored. I was playing with the remote by slapping it on my stomach and after 10 minutes of doing so I missed my tummy some how and slapped my balls really hard.
TL;DR: I hit my balls with the remote.
Missle_tits: Owwww my balls! Might be a TV show?
[deleted]: Huh huh. He hurt his balls.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1380846068 | 1381073287 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: Tifu by playing paintball
In the first 10 seconds of my first ever paintball game I slipped while running for cover. I gashed open my knee and bashed my head into the wall. At least I won that game.
highzunburg: I was playing paintball, did a dive for cover, landed on a branch with sharp part sticking out of it. Got up, won the game, as we were planning the next game, my adrenaline rush went down. I felt a sharp pain in my knee. I lift my pant leg up, my leg was soaked in blood and I had a hole in my knee. ahh sooo much fun.
[deleted]: Ah man that sucks. I've been the couch watching TV for last days because of a bad infection from the fall. Looking forward to paintball with no injuries. Well at least not punctures and lacerations.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1381083755 | 1381105442 | t3_1nudt6 | t5_2to41 | 13 | ancillarynipple: Yet black children will call grown men like myself " white boy " with no problem.
waitwert: Regardless there is one fundamental difference black people live and breath oppression they are part of a minority groups. This mean a lack of resources in: social;, occupational, medical and personal relationships. You a white person are part of a dominant group who has access to many resources that a black person does not purely based on being part of a dominant group.Are you starting to see why it is different? it is not the same thing because ultimately you can move on and not have to face discrimination and aggression from the dominant group of society because you are part of said group . You don't have to worry about being judged for you skin color, or having to deal with biased stereotypes ( of course there are racist people who do not like white people, but that is not the issue here). POINT IS being called white boy does not have the same degrading, oppressing historical or current connotation that being called "boy" does. does this make sense?
ancillarynipple: I guess it makes sense if your wild assumptions are true.
waitwert: These are not wild assumptions that I made up, I know it may be difficult to understand but our society is vertically socially stratified. Society is not fair -privilege (the allocation of resources) is rewarded to others and stripped away from some groups. there may not be as much overt racism in this culture but america especially is really good at implicit micro aggressions towards minorities.
Introverivative: Dude just walk away before you get too involved with this shit. These people conanot be argued with. Leave while theres still time.
waitwert: I tried man!
Introverivative: WE'RE LOSING HIM! QUICK, GET THE CRAYONS!!!
waitwert: I can eat crayonz if dey smelzz lyke food?
| 8 | 1.625 | |
1380989849 | 1381425504 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | bighead_littlearms: TIFU by trying to be nice to the class
We have a midterm in a couple of days and I was working on a rather rigorous study guide. Trying to be nice and knowing some of my class needs the help, I posted the guides online for them, only problem is, while making them I'd incorporate little superscripts of my feelings towards the chapters and general tediousness of what we need to know. The class is serious and deals with basic EMT stuff. Anyways, I went through each guide and deleted my inputed thoughts and feelings but forgot to hit save....so I uploaded all the files and have no way to delete them. The staff can see everything we post and I really hope my instructor doesn't take the time to go through them...shit.
Zer0MR: Well T-rex, I guess you just learned from this one and i'm sure you're going to double check the next time.
bighead_littlearms: haha, definitely will! I don't think anybody read the guide anyways -_-, better for me.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1381083119 | 1381089307 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | m2012e: TIFU by ordering peanut butter chicken.
It was terrible, and now my tummy hurts.
coveritwithgas: Is this a weird Thai fusion place or some sort of Elvis-themed fried nightmare restaurant Guy Fieri would love?
m2012e: It was a Chinese Restaurant's daily special.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1381083745 | 1381161880 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | hardaysknight: TIFU by spilling whiskey all over a 70 year old lady at a football game.
They're my brother in laws season tickets. Which means he has to sit next to her every game.
SilentScience: How did you manage to get whiskey all over her?
hardaysknight: Someone behind me hit me
SilentScience: Hopefully you managed to explain that to the lady and let her know you're not such a bad guy.
hardaysknight: I did. Repeatedly, but she wouldn't talk to me
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1381092046 | 1381176850 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by choosing the wrong director
I'm a playwright. I write plays. The head of the Theatre Company I'm a part of has been kind enough to agree on producing one of my scripts, "Drinking with Doctors". It's about alcoholism, and it's a rather sober piece (ha). She's offering to let me produce it as well, in that I can choose the director. I'd like to avoid directing it myself, because I hate being a control freak. It's one of my biggest worries. Plus, directing is an insanely stressful job - you're in charge of set layout, actor direction, and due to the small size of our company, taking a role yourself.
So we're at a big meeting, and I ask for everyone's attention for a minute.
"Pardon me, everyone - I've recently completed a script, and I'm looking for anyone interested in directing. Anyone in?"
Immediately, a couple of hands shoot up, and I freeze. It strikes me then that choosing a director is basically puppet directing. I was being a control freak again. Oh, God. Oh, God, panic attack incoming. So I let out a couple of awkward noises - "Ehhhh..." Heuuuuu....." "Nyehayhoo....", you know, the regulars - and I finally blurt out "Okay, everyone decide amongst yourselves, have a nice day!"
My buddy Ray, being among the loudest of the loud, steps atop a chair, and his voice trumpets across the stage - "*I'LL DO IT!*"
Okay, Ray is a cool guy. He's funny, he's energetic, and he's a pretty great dancer. But I've never seen him direct before. "Whatever," I foolishly thought, "He's been in theatre for years now, I'm sure he's got a handle on this.", and I continued on my merry way.
Now, in his past, Ray was the kind of guy who would frequent /r/ImGoingToHellForThis. You know the kind, the one who believes "AIDS" is a suitable 3rd step for a knock-knock joke. He's kind of grown out of it, but a lot of that over-the-top, "edgy" humor is still there. The script I wrote is largely dramatic, and this discrepancy hit me about a minute after I walked out of there. Crisis time. I started hyperventilating about the kind of nonsensical, parodic freakshow my literary baby would become. Then, inspiration! I'd get someone to co-direct with him.
So I turn back in, claiming I'd forgotten my wallet(Joke's on them, I can't afford a wallet), and I stop by my friend Ina. Ina is, simply put, a bad-ass. She's strict, no-nonsense, and her involvement in many sports are a guarantee she could hand most anyone in the company their ass on a platter. As a result of this, she commands the respect of pretty much everyone.
"Hey, Ina," I say, "Are you interested in co-directing with Ray?"
"Sure, why not."
Ecstatic, I hand her a master copy of the script and joyfully skip back to my house.
Saturday rolls around (yesterday, to be precise). We've got a read-through of my script scheduled. Unfortunately, Ina can't make it because of the aforementioned sports stuff; and even then, as she reveals to us, she only wants to *assistant*-direct, not co-direct. So Ray's still in charge.
"Okay," I thought, "This won't be that bad. My script's pretty depressing. It could use some comedy."
Every doubt I had about Ray was validated when he told one of the actors to read his lines "blacker". Every subsequent direction he gave was also along the lines of turning my script into an Adam Sandler comedic farce, and that is so worrying to me, because it's not designed to be straight comedy. Not to mention, he's cast himself as the romantic lead. I don't mean to be rude, and he's definitely not a bad-looking guy, but he's 5'6" and not in the best shape, and a guy named Blair would be much better suited. Blair's lithe and chiseled, as opposed to Ray's short and normal.
Thing is, if I talk to the head of the company to get him removed, I enter that control-freak territory. I'd look like the kind of writer who packs up their ball and goes home if they don't get exactly what they want. Plus, I really don't want to hurt Ray's feelings. He's a really cool guy, I just don't like the way he's taking my script.
**TL;DR:** Theatre Company is putting on a script I wrote. My friend Ray volunteers to direct, I mistakenly allow it, and now he's turning it into an Adam Sandler movie(with himself as the romantic lead).
the_beard_guy: If youre the producer can't you talk to your director about the things that are worrying you. Its your show, and doesn't the producer have the final say in anything? I'd sit him down and talk about the direction you want and how things should be cast.
You are worrying too much about being a control freak, its your show.
SpiffShientz: Thanks, Beard Guy. That's some pretty solid advice. My only worry is how open to criticism he'll be - he's earned great praise as a comedic actor and dancer. I'm quite certain he's not accustomed to being told to change something.
Either way, it's the best chance I've got.
the_beard_guy: He might get great praise for comedy but you said this was a Dramatic play. Just help/guide him, use your weight as the producer. He'll listen too you, and if not then fire him. Make use of the asst. director, have her keep him inline when she can.
SpiffShientz: Beard Guy, you are my spirit animal. Thank you so much, man.
the_beard_guy: Good luck on your production. Hope everything works out.
SpiffShientz: Thanks, man
| 7 | 2 | |
1381097078 | 1381142937 | null | t5_2to41 | 963 | throwaway_wight1: TIFU and crapped myself in front of an audience.
I was due this morning to give an important presentation to a society I help run and I made the mistake of drinking heavily last night.
I was massively hungover but still managed to get through the majority of the presentation without problem. Then as I was reaching my concluding section, I felt the need to fart. Or at least I assumed it was a fart. The room was fairly loud due to the equipment and the music I had running, so I decided to risk it and let rip.
It was only about a second after that I realised it wasn't a fart, it was shit. Only the fact I was in a skirt rescued me from humiliation, as it meant the lump in my pants was hidden. After the presentation finished I ran to the toilets and flushed it.
misslehead3: Reset the counter
OtterPower: Yeah, where *is* the counter though?
Writer_: ^it ^is ^invisible
Reads_Small_Text_Bot: > it is invisible
Writer_: ^i ^know ^it ^is ^invisible
Reads_Small_Text_Bot: > i know it is invisible
Writer_: I'm going to play a game with this bot. Watch this.
| 8 | 120.375 | |
1381101780 | 1381104018 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | JasonNBD: Last night my friend and I saved some cute girls from a creeper, a bit later they invited us to a party. We didn't want to ditch our friends and missed out...big time. TIFU
So here I am, walking with a group of my friends in the middle of the night at nuit blance in Toronto (all night festival). I'm talking with one of my buddies Jesse at the time and a short blonde girl with her brunette friend come out of no where and grab on to us. They told us they were being followed by a man who wouldn't leave them alone and asked if they could pretend to know us. We let them join the group and told them not to worry about this guy. After a quick look around I noticed him, some long haired wierdo with sunglasses. He dissapeared after they were with us for some time. So this girl is holding on to me and another is onto my friend, pretty much all over us and they tell us about a university party they are heading too and ask us to join. my friend and I were with a group of friends at the time and didn't want to ditch them right then and there, so we told them we would meet them later that night at the party. After killing some time at this festival which was getting lamer and lamer, my friend and I wanted to leave so badly but were getting nagged at by the rest of the group. I ended up texting this girl and she called me saying she was really drunk and her friend had passed out. Everyone had either left the party or was sleeping. We stayed at the festival another hour looking at modern art and walking around pretty much doing nothing, the group seperated from us anyway. They ditched us and we didn't ditch them, we felt like idiots. This oppertunity was golden, and we missed it. I learned a lesson that night, DO NOT LET YOUR FRIENDS HOLD YOU BACK. They did not want to go to this uni party, and since we came to the festival together, we were tied down.....
dralcax: Did the creeper explode?
JasonNBD: had to find the definition of creeper to get this...here it is
A type of creature often seen in the In Development game, Minecraft. Similar to a suicide bomber but this creature lures prey into its line of fire by frowning and looking generaly sad. People fooled by this act soon are blow to millions of tiny bits as the creeper explodes. The creeper earned its name for its ability to swiftly sneak up on an unsuspecting player and quickly kill them, destroy their construction, and leave them exposed to more powerful monsters
halo00to14: You didn't answer the question...
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1381097600 | 1381259278 | null | t5_2to41 | 351 | KrystalKastle: TIFU by misspelling "desert" as "dessert" onto translate and gave an entire speech in Spanish on the "inhabitable Sahara dessert" and its colonization.
"Oh you shouldn't have used translate, you should have used a dictionary" -___-
SpaceManAndy: If you know enough spanish to give a whole speech in spanish, I feel like you should know a simple word like dessert.
KrystalKastle: It's called an oral at my school. You write a speech and memorize it word for word, and present it to the class (who all have a copy of your speech word for word). The professor grades you down for every word you miss. It's such a bitch, and in the stress of trying to memorize everything I type, I blanked out, and cheated my way through.
Never underestimate how dumb your mistakes can be under stress
badger035: That has literally nothing to do with learning a language.
spittingdirt: Writing a speech in another language, then speaking that other language out loud, has nothing to do with learning that language? I would think that the writing in another language would help with learning sentence structure/vocabulary/grammar, and speaking it aloud would help with pronunciation and, you know, actually learning to *speak* in the other language, instead of just learning to write it.
[deleted]: Memorizing a speech doesn't help you learn; you're just memorizing a series of words. You should be encouraged to just naturally speak, just speaking in that language instead of reciting in that language.
spittingdirt: They're writing and preparing the speech themselves, not just memorizing a random wall of text.
[deleted]: We had a number of "speaking evaluations" in my early Spanish classes, in which you would get up and have a conversation with another student. Many people would draft their conversation in English, translate it into Spanish, and memorize this translation word for word. Others would simply know the vocabulary and grammar points for the chapter, and they would be capable of having a conversation not dependent on whether their partner said they were going to the gym or the cinema on Friday or Wednesday.
The ones who bothered to actually learn the vocabulary and grammar instead of having one sit-down translating session were the ones who excelled and the ones who went through four years of the language instead of only the required two.
spittingdirt: Sounds like the problem is with the student's effort, not the assignment itself. Assignment is still valid and does not have "literally nothing" to do with learning a language. You said yourself that people who bothered to learn excelled.
[deleted]: It gives students an easy way out, though. Giving a student a topic the day of-- something that can be easily covered on the fly with the relevant vocabulary from the class-- seems like a better test of that student's proficiency with a language.
| 10 | 35.1 | |
1381112727 | 1381141495 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally being racist.
I should start by saying I'm a white male. I'm on reddit, I mean, of course I am. Now, onto the story.
Many of you may have heard of a little thing called Snapchat. Significantly fewer of you may have heard of a cosmetic item called a charcoal mask. To be brief, Snapchat is a social picture taking smartphone application that allows captioned photos to be shared with friends for a set number of seconds. Charcoal masks are creamyish face masks that contain charcoal, and are therefore black in color, intended to clean pores.
After a few drinks, a friend convinced me to apply the charcoal mask to my face. Of course, upon looking at myself in the mirror, I immediately regretted my actions and felt somewhat emasculated. I do not know what overcame me, but I decided to share my poor decision with an abundance of friends via Snapchat. I sent a photo of myself wearing the charcoal with the caption "What have I become?!" to several of my friends. Several of whom are black.
TL;DR: Blackface Snapchat accidents.
Losering: And everyone you know goes away in the end.
[deleted]: What have I become?
My sweetest friend.
| 3 | 10.333333 | |
1381117509 | 1381128681 | null | t5_2to41 | 275 | [deleted]: TIFU by sending a text.
Had just finished a lecture. Decided the mc'ds from last night had to exit as i had been needing to fart for a good hour now.
I checked my phone after leaving the room, responded to a text from a guy i like and put the phone in my pocket and headed to the bathroom for my dump.
I get there, do the deed. As i'm pulling up my jeans, i hear faint laughter, followed by a "beep beep beep" sound. That sounds like my phone hanging up...
I check my call list.
A five minute call to my friends mum. Of me taking a dump.
I went to text her and apologise for the call (hoping she hadn't heard anything).
Before i could, i receive a text just saying "plop. Plop. Plopplopplopplop...plop. Good job! Now lock your phone in future dumbass hahaha"
Kill me now.
BurntRussian: At least you didn't call your crush!
Grumpy-Brewer: That is very true.
Raven_Rise: but what if he thought it was hilarious and fell in love with you?
| 4 | 68.75 | |
1381143007 | 1381247840 | null | t5_2to41 | 104 | GrumpyMcGrumperton: TIFU by getting in a fight in my dream.
I usually don't remember my dreams, but I'm pretty sure I won't forget this one. The details are fuzzy - sorry. So, I'm back in high school at a party at some friends house. Their parents are out of town. There were a few people I recognized, but mostly just random people my subconscious made up. My high school sweetheart was there too. So was this asshole (made up asshole) who was trying to steal my girl. The fight ensues. A few headbutts, punches, throws, broken tables and chairs later, I decide I should bust out some ninja moves. I kicked the dream asshole as hard as I could aaaaaaaaaannnddd... now I'm awake screaming in pain - almost in tears. I kicked my wall - HARD! I think I may have broken my big toe on my right foot. It's numb now but not discolored. This was almost exactly 24 hours ago. FML.
STORM55487: I feel you're pain, done it many time, the funniest was when I thought I was playing football and kicked the cat.
ProblemPie: I had a similar incident when I was actually playing figh bchool in hootsall - but that same cat had made a nasty habit of getting next to my eardrum and meowing as loudly as she could, if she was in my room in the morning. Obviously this is pretty disorienting when you're asleep, so I picked her up and threw her across the room.
She was fine, of course, but after I realized what I had done I was laughing pretty hysterically as I got up to let her fuck off from my bedroom and get back to sleep.
Fiorinihc: >playing high school in football
What kind of sorcery is this?
ProblemPie: I was just playing high school in football.
I'M NOT SURE WHAT YOU'RE GETTING AT.
Also I fixed it, don't worry.
| 5 | 20.8 | |
1381154279 | 1381203447 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,309 | phlegming: TIFU by sharting myself in bed next to my girlfriend
I have a habit of eating like complete garbage when I'm drinking. It started on Friday morning at a playoff baseball game with beer and nachos, with more beer and fast food burgers afterwards. Saturday was comprised of Biscuits and gravy from Hardee's, philly cheesesteak from Subway (that I think might have turned), and a rotisserie chicken all washed down with more beer.
Yesterday sent me over the edge. My girlfriend and I woke up around 11 am and decided pizza sounded good. We got dressed and went to a local sports bar to watch our teams. They had beer buckets on special, so of course we partook. A large pepperoni and garlic pizza, potato skins, and mushrooms nantua drowning in... more beer!
I got home last night and keeled over in abdominal pain. Took a shit, then had some sex and went to sleep. I woke up this morning butt naked with the sheets off most of the mattress. Ripped a fart, my girlfriend says I'm nasty, whatever.
Then I ripped another one. And I know, from sharting myself previously, exactly what has just transpired. Wide-eyed, I scoot off my bed and lift the comforter to reveal a tan sunburst explosion against the pure white of a bare mattress. I clench my cheeks and run to the bathroom to release the rest of the demon. I hear my gf scream and laugh in the other room amidst the thunderous bowel release.
Luckily, she thought it was hilarious. I'm not proud of it, and I probably will never live it down. We're going to look at mattress protectors tonight.
jutct: You need to start eating better, my friend. You're gonna have diabeetus and food aids in a couple years.
phlegming: This weekend was abnormally bad. I'm usually really conscious and try to eat as clean as possible. My body was like "WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, what the fuck man?" Then it made me crap myself.
citare: It was a sign
Powerdriven: Sounds more like it got revenge.
BlackMageJoltik: r/pettyrevenge
gojutremere: /r/poopyrevenge
TheLastFartan: Thank god that's not a thing.
pngwn: yet
| 9 | 145.444444 | |
1381129256 | 1381198159 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | BilledDuckBill: TIFU by leaving my old phone laying in the living room while i was at work.
According to my wife my daughter took a liking to my old phone and was playing with it. At some point during the process of playing with my phone my daughter somehow managed to turn on a video of things she probably shouldnt have been able to see in front of my wife and her best friend. fuck.
zachfletch: like... who doesn't watch porn?
BilledDuckBill: the video was of me
RoyPherae: This should have been mentioned in the original post. Just saying.
| 4 | 6 | |
1381165792 | 1381258804 | null | t5_2to41 | 175 | JulianNDelphiki: TIFU by letting my daughter play in her shit.
I'm a stay at home dad.
I have a 7 month old daughter who loves her bouncer. I put her in that thing and I can get other shit done around the house.
Normally she has a bowel movement in the morning, and lets me know right away. (They stink) To be safe, I don't usually put her in the bouncer until she's done it, but whoops I forgot. Unfortunately for both of us today she decided that the bouncer was so much fun it didn't matter. It **really** didn't help that her diaper had shifted sideways a bit, so most of the poop missed. It was on her onesie, on the bouncer's seat, on the side of her leg- a pretty typical blowout, right?
I wish I'd been that lucky.
Enough had gotten out that it went down her leg, to the floor.
Onto the carpet.
Where her feet were.
The feet she was using to jump with.
They were *coated* with crap.
The carpet had a dark circle of baby footprints.
The only good thing about all this is she's on a decent amount of solid foods, so it was pretty dry. She was very confused by the sudden bath I gave her. Once she went down for her nap I washed the onesie and cloth bouncer seat. The carpet took a ton of scrubbing, but carpet cleaner for pet poop works just as good for baby poop.
Tl;Dr- kid was jumping up and down in poop.
TCrew2: Fortunate it was a bouncer and not a roller
JulianNDelphiki: Oh god, the mental image of that is bad enough... I don't think I could have handled that.
banal_grape: If the mental image isn't bad enough, here is a [real image](http://i.imgur.com/ENRIWOc.png).
| 4 | 43.75 | |
1381172840 | 1381202332 | null | t5_2to41 | 43 | trollocity: TIFU by shaving my crotch
Not sure what I did, but the skin is red and it stings like a bitch. I think I shaved the top layer of skin, just the top layer, off of part of my sack.
GOD DAMN IT
Basxt: might sound dumb as fuck, but try to keep it like.. wet? Get some toilet paper and fold it like 5 times and put it under some nice cold water. Apply in underwear and lay ballsack ontop of it.
this should help
trollocity: After soaking two pairs of underpants the pain dulled naturally to the point where it's a moderate inconvenience. Walking hurts every step though.
DerpyTheGrey: Just wait till the hair grows back, you will itch worse than ever.
| 4 | 10.75 | |
1381178660 | 1381259892 | null | t5_2to41 | 818 | themeowzart: TIFU by relieving some stress during my break
So today I got called in to manage one of the stores I work in because the GM had an emergency (her 16 year old son was stabbed by a girl at school). Now scheduled to work a 12 1/2 hour shift while already behind, I began to feel the effects of the stress.
It didn't help that I'm working with a really hot girl and I'm probably ovulating because I'm horny as fuck. Regular stress + sexual frustration = having a bad time.
I managed to get a break in during the afternoon and went out to my car to smoke (it was raining and I had no other protection). Thought to myself "Hey know what would be such a good idea? Why don't you rub one off real quick before you go back into work! That'll calm you down and maybe make you not want to jump that girl's bones so much!" Fucking fantastic idea! Didn't take long, but being in my car and trying to make this whole thing not obvious I pulled a muscle in my leg immediately upon finishing. Walked back into work with a serious and painful limp and no good way to explain it.
That was an hour and a half ago. Still have 6 more hours left and I'll be closing (alone) with the hot girl who unknowingly had a part in this whole fiasco.
**TL;DR: Flicked the bean, walking with a lean.**
inevitabled34th: On a scale of 1/10, 1 being "eh, I guess she's attractive" to 10 "I would fuck her in front of her family", how hot was she?
themeowzart: I'd say 7. Not normally my type but ass is like an A++
sunshine_chauhan: You mean the ass was fat?
themeowzart: Dat ass is large and in charge, my friend.
MistaWesSoFresh: Lesbians are cool as fuck
themeowzart: That's pretty much a fact.
thejustchad: alright OP now ya gotta get us a pic on the sly.
themeowzart: As a manager who just attended a meeting on what sexual harassment is I think that might not be a good idea haha
| 9 | 90.888889 | |
1381185635 | 1381246268 | null | t5_2to41 | 294 | [deleted]: TIFU by papercutting my dick (NSFW)
This happened like 30seconds ago.
So i felt bored today, so i took a few bong hits throughout the day.
When bedtime came, i totally felt in the mood for a good old boxing match with mister D.
Twelve seconds later I was fapping away like a god to my new brazzers account, but as high as I was I did not prepare for the finale. I used lube to fap with so it got pretty messy (anything to make it better). Normally i would have had tissues ready but today i was a lazy asshole, (as always).
Done.
I looked around. I really needed to clean this shit up, but i was too tired and the bed was two feet away. So what do i do?
I decided to wipe the scene with a fucking page from a magazine.
It cleaned up the mess pretty good, so i thought i might as well use it as a dick-cleaner as well.
BRILLIANT
When i started fixing up the mess downstairs i instanly felt a sharp pain in my dong.
I pull the paper away, red. Blood everywhere, it looked like satans dick.
My god, i am sitting here almost crying with a band-aid on my penis.
Please god save me from myself
Tl;Dr - Weed, fapping and blood. Read the story, it's not that long ;)
-sorry for any spelling errors, english is not my first language
EDIT: I forgot to mention, this is actually my very first post on reddit, amazing with such response :)
Masterdebater22: Its like I'm
Paranoid while I'm jackin my dick
It's like a
Whirlwind inside of my head
Jarbas6: It's like I can't stop bleeding from my dick
It's like the magazine page is right beneath my skin
markpelly: I am now on a Linkin Park listening hour on Spotify.
Jarbas6: Hybrid Theory and Meteora are really, really solid albums.
CreamyPotato: Reanimation is a pretty good album too if you like remixes
| 6 | 49 | |
1381188759 | 1381275657 | null | t5_2to41 | 538 | burnt_taco: TIFU by burning my taco with a vibrator (x-post r/offmychest)
The house was empty, I was horny and it seemed like the perfect time to break out my favorite powerful (but loud) vibrator for some much needed self lovin'. So I opened my toybox, took out my beloved vibe, plugged him in and moaned in bliss as he hummed away on my aching nether regions.
My body began to tense, I groaned as I felt my orgasm build and then suddenly... "POP!!!"
A puff of smoke rose from between my legs as I unceremoniously threw the dead beast to the floor and scrambled to yank his still hot cord from the wall as it bit my tender flesh mercilessly and left a drop of molten plastic firmly latched to my flesh. As the cord flew across the room the smoke detector mockingly screamed at me, when suddenly I smelled the smoldering carpet beside my bed.
Momentarily forgetting about my charred lady bits, I jumped from the bed and dumped a glass of water on my floor and the carcass of the vengeful plastic monstrosity that I once cherished so deeply. And no sooner did the water hit the floor than my mom charged in to "save" me after hearing the smoke alarm and my aggressive verbal attack against the vile, flame throwing vibrator. She looked at me with an odd mix of horror, concern, and bemusement as I stood naked over a large vibrator sitting in the middle of a puddle on the floor and my once pink taco now covered in black soot. After muttering something about stopping by for lunch she slowly backed out and closed my door. I think it's time to take her key away, but first I need to ice my crotch.
**TL;DR** I burned my taco and tried to burn down the house with a vibrator. Pretty sure my mom thinks I have a strange fetish for pissing on sex toys now too.
praisetehbrd: please stop calling it a "taco". If you keep saying that, I'm just going to assume you are way to young and immature to be using a vibrator in the first place.
burnt_taco: Please don't get Your panties in a twist, it's a story meant to put a bit of humor to what could otherwise have been a deeply embarrassing and mildly painful experience. Making assumptions about someones maturity based on a single short story only makes you look like a judgmental twit
praisetehbrd: I was just requesting for you to act a bit more mature. No need to be a "judgmental twit" :)
ilikeeatingbrains: I like watchin' you dig.
praisetehbrd: you're so cool
ilikeeatingbrains: Y'all need a hand down there?
praisetehbrd: so witty
ilikeeatingbrains: Hey, if you want to taco bout it, I'm all ears. I don't have a lot of lesbian friends, you see.
praisetehbrd: I don't get it
ilikeeatingbrains: I'm aware. You should really unsub from the SRS Empire, they are polluting your mind.
praisetehbrd: you're boring me
| 12 | 44.833333 | |
1381197484 | 1381238400 | null | t5_2to41 | 161 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally kissing my crush.
A little bit of backstory: I met a girl, we'll call her Lydia, around 2 months ago, and I started to get interested in her because she is a very nice, shy and cute girl.
I start to see some signs of interest towards me, such as playing with my hands, saying I'm handsome when she looks at photos of me, she smiles a lot around me, she is very huggy with me, we talk a lot, we kiss on the cheek and hug when we say goodbye, etc. things she doesn't do with any other guy.
OK, so today we were talking, laughing and messing around being all playful and shit. She tells me she has to leave so I go in to give her a kiss on the cheek as usual...
But only this time, we positioned our head in a way that instead of giving the kiss on the cheek I kissed like half of her lips by accident. I panicked a little, but I tried to played it off as if nothing happened and I gave her a hug. Only this time, she didn't hug back.
I back off a little and I see that she is dead serious looking at the floor. She picks up her things and leaves without saying a word.
So I haven't talked to her since, I think she is completely fucking pissed at me and thinks I'm a creep. I think the shit has just marvelously hit the fan, and that tomorrow her attitude towards me will be stone cold and that I lost all of my chances with Lydia.
So yeah, TIFU
**UPDATE**(For the 3 people who care): For everyone who is expecting a happy love story or a tragic event, none of that happened. I talked to her about it, told her that it was an accident and all that jazz. She said that I left her thinking all day, that she was in shock when it happened, that she wasn't angry or upset, that she knew it was an accident and she said that she hopes it never happens again.
So yeah, that's about it. Nothing special.
PrinceChadworth: Just talk to her and say "hey, I just wanted to say that was a total accident when I partially kissed your lips. Sorry if that made you feel weird I was terrified and tried to play it off at the time."
Or just end your friendship and never talk again and run away, that's an option as well.
wolfgang_mozart: Or he could put her in a hole in his basement and begin preparations to wear her skin.
Nixnilnihil: I'd fuck me so hard.
jujitsu-sambo: it puts the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lcITGNWtoIc
| 5 | 32.2 | |
1381192823 | 1381204883 | null | t5_2to41 | 38 | spirit_llama: TIFI by being high and foreign.
I, 22f, am studying abroad in Argentina this semester. As I am well aware, the country is currently in a state of economic distress and, as the unemployment rate is extremely high, many of the inhabitants have resorted to petty crime, such as pickpocketing, in an attempt to make ends meet. There's the background.
A few days ago (today I didn't fuck up.. but I sure did on Saturday morning) I was leaving a guy's apartment after he had already left to go to work. I get myself all ready to go and see half of the joint we had smoke from the night before sitting in the ashtray on the table. I have nothing else really to do the rest of the day so I decide to take a few puffs. Feeling nice and buzzed, I put my iPhone headphones in my hears, turned on my music and went along my way. After realizing the commute home would have been a 1.5 hour long walk I decide to wait at the 124 bus stop. There were trucks parked in the spaces in front of the stop so it was difficult to see the bus and to consequently hail it down. The woman in front kept walking into the street to see if the bus was coming, so I figured I'd leave that to her in order to eventually get on the bus. This was my first mistake, being completely still giving my assailants time to scope me out. A few minutes later a man comes up to me and mentions I have a stain on my back and that I should clean it. I feel around my coat and find nothing, so I continue in my trance from the playlist and the sunny day and the weed and the waiting. Then another woman comes up and AGAIN mentions that there's something on my back. At this point I start to feel around my shoulders and when I pull my hand back I see that there is a huge glob of saliva on my skin. There are several trails of spit on my clothes. Fucking gross. I also didn't know that throwing liquids/trash/SPITTING on people is a means of distraction for pickpocketers. Awesome.. yay ignorance. While trying to clean myself up I become hazily aware of this woman and her two children standing uncomfortably close to me. I was on a busy street and I didn't think much of it, though my personal space was most definitely invaded. I didn't even notice my music stop playing. All of a sudden she's gone and a street vendor is yelling at me, bringing me down to earth telling me that I had just been robbed. Then it all clicks.
Of COURSE that's what just happened!
My initial reaction was.. uh.. wait... what.. OH WHAT THE FUCK!!! and i just kept thinking to myself: "why the fuck didn't this vendor intervene while he saw everything happening!?!?" I mean maybe the people were armed, there's many reasons. So he tells me that she got onto a bus that was (wow just my luck!) stopped at the red light a few yards away. As i confusedly approach, I realize that there are three buses, all completely stuffed. There's no way that I am finding her ever again. Had my iPhone jacked right out from under my nose. Felt like a total idiot, also violated from the saliva shower. Only solace is that the screen was completely fucked. Oh well..
TL;DR Got spat on and robbed while stoned and studying abroad in a foreign country without even realizing until it was over.
AfroKing23: No find my iPhone app or something? Blows man.
spirit_llama: the find my iphone app only works when the phone is hooked up to the network or to Wi-Fi. they could have deleted the app before hooking it up because so far my account shows nothing. :/
| 3 | 12.666667 | |
1381204952 | 1381327322 | null | t5_2to41 | 191 | Spodyspaz: TIFU by insulting a celebrity.
Today, at work, I met a guy who's house was covered with Football. Autographs, ticket stubs, posters, photos with players, etc. A lot of 49ers stuff. I tried to make conversation, so I jokingly asked, *"I'm guessing you like football a little bit?"*
He looks at me with a dead stare;
*Are you serious?... "*
That was the last thing he said for the rest of the job. When I got back to my truck, I Google'd "Steve Mariucci."
It's official. I'm an idiot.
jfr3sh: so he just expected you to know who he was? sounds a little douchey.
[deleted]: It IS douchey.
NoobSavant: I hate this shit. Because I'm a male, I must watch every football game and know the biographies of every football player ever.
I know who OJ Simpson is but only because he's famous for things outside of football.
The_Magnificent: I didn't even know OJ Simpson was a football player.
Spodyspaz: Neither did I, I knew him from Naked gun. And murder.
matty555: What's football?
sierrabravo1984: That's the game where there's a round white ball that people kick back and forth and try to get it into a net on either side of the grass area. They call it football because you kick a ball with your foot.
matty555: Is it hispanic?
| 9 | 21.222222 | |
1381229915 | 1381268000 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | spartan117au: TIFU by bricking my last good phone.
This happens to a lot of people, but its especially crappy for me because i just earned $200 from doing a ton of volunteer work at a retirement home nearby. I was planning on buying a bunch of games on steam but now, i have to spend that money on buying a new phone. Not exactly a grand TIFU by any stretch of the imagination, but it's the little things that get to you.
InsidiousStapler: Umm.. What is bricking a phone? Am I out of touch with things?
Zer0MR: I too do not know the meaning. I assume he meant he broke it. But I could be wrong.
NightHawk877: A bricked phone is a working phone that has been turned into a paperweight. Sometimes a bad software update will brick a phone. The same can be said for all sorts of electronics.
InsidiousStapler: Ah, I assumed he meant broke his phone. But this seems different. So thank you for the explanation.
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1381263233 | 1381334360 | t3_1nzhq3 | t5_2to41 | 297 | [deleted]: I have a related story.
My ex-girlfriend was super-hot whereas I'm average looking and terrible with women, so I was basically willing to do anything to please her; when she asked to do BDSM I was naturally okay with it. Turned out that she wanted me to be the submissive. Next thing I knew, I was chained to the rafters in my basement with a strap-on in my asshole.
She used Icy Hot as the lube.
speaknott: Strap on=OK! Icy Hot=oh god whyyyyyy
[deleted]: It actually gets worse.
speaknott: Oh God, please tell me so I can know what not to do.
[deleted]: My ex-girlfriend (let's call her Ashley) was REALLY into being a dominitrix...she told me that this was her first time doing it and she was just testing the waters, but after we broke up I talked to one of her exes and it was the reason they broke up as well.
She was crazy. Of course, I was 17 at the time and I was desperate so I just went with it. We went out for eighteen months...here's what she did for the first twelve.
She:
* Tied me down and beat me with a whip while I was sleeping
* Put a chastity device on me and would rarely let it off for ANYTHING, but would purposefully do things to arouse me, like wearing really slutty costumes or outfits, doing a striptease/lap dance, gently stroking my genitals
* Tased me in front of her friends
* Made me wear women's undergarments to school/work, then locked them to me so I couldn't take them off
* Made me wear a maid's outfit in front of her and my friends
* Tried to brand me
* Tattooed "Ashley's Sissy Slut" on my pelvis
* Gave me a tramp stamp and a feminine ankle tattoo (cost me $3000 to get them removed)
* Beat me with her fists, often in public
* Threatened to cut off my genitals
* Maxed out my credit cards
* Made me sign a contract that, in essence, made her my legal guardian, allowed her to make all decisions for me, and basically gave her total control over me
* Made me sign a contract saying I was a closeted transsexual, and that I was going to transition and get a sex change
* Blackmailed me into doing what she wanted
The worst of it was that I discovered that she had been secretly feeding me estrogen and other hormones with my morning smoothie for the entire time we'd been dating. THAT was the last straw. I told her to back down after the tattoo incident, then I gave her one last chance with the contracts she tried to make me sign, but the force feeding me hormones was IT. I tried to break up with her, but when I did, she gave me a folder that was literally two inches thick with copies of blackmail she could use against me. It was bad.
So between that, the fact that she was REALLY good at sex, and the fact that I was depressed and she reinforced the thoughts I had that I couldn't do better than her....I stuck with her for another six months. During that last six months, I searched for ANY way out, but I couldn't find one. Because of fear of her releasing the blackmail, I basically did everything I was told...the abuse continued but it mostly let up. The only thing she seemed really hell-bent on was how she was trying to make me become a woman. She made me take hormones, grow out my hair, get electrolysis (permanent, painful hair removal), and dress as a female for six months. Two days before I was supposed to have breast implants, I found some crucial blackmail that I used to get her to nullify the contracts and got her off my back for good. I then filed for a restraining order, and we haven't spoken since. Repairing everything she did to my life has cost me over $10,000, but I'm just glad that it's over.
The thing that saved me was when I discovered that she was feeding me hormones, I took estrogen and progesterone blockers and took testosterone to prevent further body changes. If that hadn't happened, I would be irrevocably changed, as well as sterile.
Moral of the story: even if you are desperate and you think you can't do better, always keep your standards high.
Inigo93: Where in the fuck does a teenage girl get the money for the hormones, toys, etc? And where are you living during all of this? This is either complete horseshit, or the makings of a made-for-tv movie.
tealparadise: The whole account is pretty weird. There's a HUGE post about Christmas dinners with his family... but it's been posted 3 times that I saw (on the 1st page), once with the preface "SPAM." I'd say it was link-spam for a website but there's no site. And in other posts he makes different comments about his family in Wisconsin.
1. I don't buy this post
2. This guy is either a habitual reddit-liar or really needs to watch his online presence more closely
[deleted]: It was from when I was really little. I haven't seen my mom in five years and my dad in four. (she's in prison, he's dead) Before that, my mom was an alcoholic who abused me, and alienated us from the rest of my family. Before she went to prison (for stabbing me, by the way), she wrote all the members of my family blaming it on me and saying that I was beating her. They all cut ties with me.
But yeah...I haven't had a family Christmas in almost a decade now. But they were memorable. I still went to the holiday dinners at the local churches (good food, low price) up until this last year but you're right.
Most of the comments about my family in Wisconsin are stuff I've heard through the grapevine, or what I remember. The friend in Wisconsin comments are because I have friends.
Oh, and the Spam thing? That was the AskReddit post about "something you have to aquire a taste for".
jabertsohn: >I haven't seen my mom in five years and my dad in four. (she's in prison, he's dead).
http://www.reddit.com/r/Random_Acts_Of_Pizza/comments/1ex7x1/request_wisconsin_usa_17yearold_high_school/
4 months ago, you still lived with them.
[deleted]: It's Random Acts of Pizza. I lied. Everyone does that.
jabertsohn: [Here](http://www.reddit.com/r/r4r/comments/1hf0lm/18_m4f_wisconsin_looking_for_a_nerdy_girl/), [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/r4r/comments/1k33qc/18_m4f_wisconsin_nerd_thats_it/), [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/comiccon/comments/1glkmt/im_17_and_going_to_comic_con_for_the_first/), and [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/1n92g5/i_dont_know_if_i_can_go_on_anymore/), where you said you were either 17 or 18, were all lies too, and this one was the sole truth?
[deleted]: I'm 19 next Thursday. We broke up about a year ago. (give or take a couple months)
jabertsohn: The dates don't add up.
You got together when you were 17, you were together for 18 months, you have been apart for 12 months, and you still aren't 19.
When you were 18 she got you three tattoos, you applied for and maxed out some credit cards, and got booked in for breast implant surgery. So if you still aren't 19, that's going to be a lot less than 12 months since you broke up.
In the meantime she has been sent to federal prison, and you have already forgotten how long for.
[deleted]: Did I not just say give or take a couple months...we started dating just after my 17th birthday. Things started getting weird in June. In September of last year I confronted her and she brought forth the blackmail. We lasted roughly 6 months after that until I found my way out. So yeah. Turns out it's been 7 months, not 12, since we broke up. Big whoop. added the dates wrong.
jabertsohn: You added the dates wrong.
It was only 7 months since this traumatic series of events, and you had already lost track of time to the tune of 5 months. In which time she has been sent to federal prison and you forgot how long for.
| 15 | 19.8 | |
1381261519 | 1381302571 | null | t5_2to41 | 128 | MistaWesSoFresh: TIFU by trusting a fart while I was at work
This one is pretty cut and dry...
Work in a very small office. When one uses the bathroom there is no question about whether it is 1 or 2. Thought since nobody was upstairs that I had clearance to let one rip. I immediately regretted that decision. A faster than usual dash to the bathroom probably alerted everyone downstairs that there was something amiss. As soon as I sat down on the toilet I reached for the tp so I could check the damage... 3 fucking squares left...3. Results from the first one indicated that this was going to be a fucking mess so I did what I had to do - folded that bitch in half and used it twice. Every square inch of clean white paper was going to be needed if I was going to get out of this without having to go home for lunch. By some miracle the last square indicated a clean surface but by this time I had been in there way longer than a #1. So nobody used the bathroom the rest of the day and I had to go downstairs and get more tp out of the closet in front of everyone just to put to rest any doubt in their minds as to whether or not pooping was going on. Little did they know....
tl;dr never trust a fart at work. It may work once or twice but eventually you will shart and when you do there will not be any tp for you. Because life.
wh577141: I feel like I'm the only person on reddit who has never shit himself...
snowblind2112: you and me. But, there can be ONLY ONE.
ToxixDaggerz: It's a race between the three of us.
I just wonder which way is winning
| 4 | 32 | |
1381263933 | 1381355126 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | TIFUthrowaway01: TIFU by LISTENING to porn
Throwaway for obvious reasons.
So I'm 14 and discovered masturbation a few months ago - this is to be expected of people to start watching porn and stuff. I had a soundcloud account linked to my facebook, and started listening to some porn to get me off. It normally helps me.
So since it's linked, I start listening to some of that shit. I start masturbating, and then I get a call from my mom. Pause, stop, answer.
"Hello?"
"Hi, _. I saw on your Facebook you're watching _"
*Me, being in total and utter shock* "Um, what?"
"It says you were watching _ on Facebook."
"Oh...it does?" I start denying everything.
I then tell my mom I'll do something, hang up, and delete my account, hoping that the info will disappear.
Now here is my favorite part. I call my mom back and explain to her I deleted my account (which I never even used), and she says it's okay for boys my age to explore sexual content. She was okay with it.
But it was still super awkward nonetheless. I appreciate how my mom knows it's okay, and that it's normal and doesn't mind.
TLDR: Have soundcloud account linked to Facebook, listen to some porn, and my mom finds out.
EDIT 1: I was home alone, as well.
EDIT 2: /r/gonewildaudio shout it.
Guardian2013: You poor kid!!
Facebook is EVIL.
ilikeeatingbrains: Was this sarcasm?
Guardian2013: > Was this sarcasm?
Not sure what you mean. Which bit?
The You poor kid line wasn't. I felt sorry at him getting caught.
Facebook is EVIL is a bit tongue in cheek. I don't like facebook and that it takes over and announces to the world pretty much everything you do.
TIFUthrowaway01: Ha, it was sort of my fault for signing in with Facebook and making my account linked to Facebook.
| 5 | 1 | |
1381258509 | 1381292241 | null | t5_2to41 | 37 | Byrdt: TIFU by hitting a blind woman and her seeing eye dog.
This morning I was getting off work and commuting by longboard back home, as is my custom. I live in the Pacific Northwest where it's quite rainy and sometimes the rivulets have a habit of displacing pea-gravel and moving it into new and unexpected places.
Anyways, I was making my way down the block to the crosswalk at an intersection, and I hit a small patch of tiny gravel which sends me on my ass and flipped my longboard forward to torpedo into the shin of a elderly woman and her dog. I hadn't even spilt my drink.
Horrified, I look up from my throne of disgrace on the pavement and am beset by shame as I see the dog's service animal harness, her cane, and her opaque black glasses.
I stuttered my apology, crossed the road, and was wishing that I could rewind the last two minutes of my life.
**TL;DR Was longboarding and hit some gravel, my board flipped and hit an old lady who never saw it coming.**
[deleted]: Into her shin? Holy /shin/ you should have at least apologized
VoicesDontStop: He did -_-
[deleted]: Oh, read over that I guess. Just imagined how painful that was.
| 4 | 9.25 | |
1381273760 | 1381290879 | null | t5_2to41 | 428 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating jalapeño poppers and going with my friend to get his car checked out
It all sharted when I went out the night before and decided to eat jalapeño poppers while drinking
Fast forward to the next day...
What seemed like a regular day ended worse up worse than ever. Basically my roommate took off work today to get his car checked out and I thought "Hey ill go along for the ride" we didn't think about much more than that. Anyway we get to the place and they tell us they have to hold the car for a few days to fix things which was something we did not plan for
We were stranded but we decided to start walking to his grandparents which turned out to be an hour and a half of a walk. It was awful but boy did it get worse. About 30 minutes into the walk I felt that familiar kick in my stomach and I quickly reflected on my past meals which came back to the jalapeños. By god I had a severe case of the shits and there wasn't a toilet for about another mile.
For the length of that mile the pain of clenching and walking was unbearable.
As soon as I saw the closest fast food place I couldn't hold it anymore. I had released my clench and shit in my pants. I ran into that KFC like I've never seen a toilet before. That pristine white beauty my salvation. I let go and I could feel it going all over the place. It was rough and it was ugly. It was amazing. I didn't get to enjoy it for long after. I shuffled for toilet paper to find that there was none. I knew my choices were to use the sink or go out with shit in my pants.
I tried to lock the door but the button got stuck and wouldn't fully lock (I thought it was locked because it got stuck in) and leaned against the sink splashing water onto my ass
Not soon after a KFC employee entered the bathroom to my surprise. Saw me with shitty pants around my ankles splashing water onto my ass.
TL;DR Ate jalapeños, had to walk for an hour, got the shits, got walked in on while splashing water on my ass.
Leucid: Pics or it didn't happen.
CatBawx: As much as I would love to send you a photo of my shitty pants I have washed them sadly.
Bikadebo: Of course you washed them sadly, nobody could happily wash their pants after an experience like that
| 4 | 107 | |
1381281942 | 1381294711 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | Caesersfan: TIFU by flushing chunks of meat and potatoes down the toilet
And now it's not flushing properly and I tried plunging enough times that had I been doing in in the ground I would have struck oil already. Anybody got a fix for me to try before I call a plumber to roto this bowl?
Wtfguysreally: Da fuck did you DO that for?!
Caesersfan: I thought it was shit, I'm used to flushing shits down the bowl. In my defense it really could have passed for shit.
Wtfguysreally: Why was it in the toilet? !
Caesersfan: I ate dinner at my moms and instead of telling her that the food she made tastes, smells, and most importantly looks like shit I just decided to napkin it and flush it when I went to take a piss.
hedgegod: But you said you thought it was shit.
magicbean99: In a sense, it really was shit, one giant hunk of shit that he just didn't like.
| 7 | 2.142857 | |
1381285043 | 1381335384 | null | t5_2to41 | 148 | tifuthrowawayaccount: TIFU By Flirting With Two 17-Year-Olds
This happened about a year ago, but I still think about every day because I lost the best job I ever had, and I still haven't recovered.
Anyway, my boss asked me if I wanted to go to a conference/festival out of town to help a co-worker, and thinking it would be a great opportunity, I said yes. I was feeling really cocky the whole time I was there, partly because nobody knew who I was, and partly because it felt like I was back in high school at that particular conference. (It was attended by mostly high school students, and I'm early 30's.) I started talking to these 2 girls, things were escalating, and in a moment of utter weakness and stupidity I handed them my personal business card based on [this](http://coedmagazine.files.wordpress.com/2012/04/unknown-business-cards-3.jpeg). The girls walk away, I think everything's fine until their teacher walks over, asks if it was me that handed them the card, I say yes, and tells me she's calling my boss. The next morning I call my boss, and he tells me I'm fired with no severance, I can't use that job on my resume, I'm not to talk to any other employees again, not to set foot in the business again, and advises I get a lawyer.
I haven't seen any legal action yet, but I'm still worried. Did I really fuck up, or am I worrying too much?
natrlselection: OP, what kind of card is that? What on earth did you hand them?
tifuthrowawayaccount: It was a card that was based on [this](http://coedmagazine.files.wordpress.com/2012/04/unknown-business-cards-3.jpeg). They freaked out over the "orgies organized" part.
3141592652: I'm not even sure what that cards advertising.
drone13: He's a jack of all trades?
majestichobo: Jack of all trades, master of none.
| 6 | 24.666667 | |
1381284795 | 1381292541 | null | t5_2to41 | 139 | BabyTapir: TIFU by downloading a Beemo app to use as my alarm clock
And having sweet dreams of Adventure Time while I slept through my 4 Adventure Time alarms instead of waking up for my 2nd week of a new job.
vivestalin: Holy shit, did you make it on time? Do you still have a job? I lost a very good job at a very bad time once under similar circumstances. I hope your situation turns out better than mine did!
BabyTapir: I was half an hour late but they were very forgiving, thankfully my roomie ended up waking me up
hefightabear: I too trusted a BMO alarm, way too quiet
| 4 | 34.75 | |
1381282943 | 1381342719 | null | t5_2to41 | 38 | AirScare: TIFU - By over fueling an aircraft and stopping a flight.
So I am 21 and just started a job this September refueling aircraft at a small/mid sized airport as I figure out how I should keep going with college or do something else (and make some money). I do all sorts of aircraft, from commercial passenger planes and private jets to helicopters, private light aircraft and police/medivac planes.
This job takes a lot of memorization and organization, something which I often pride myself on. I had just gotten the hang of doing all the paperwork and driving the big fuel trucks and learning the different fuel points on the variety of aircraft when my 'incident' happened
Today we had three [KingAirs](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beechcraft_Super_King_Air) that were lined up next to each other on the ramp. Two were private charter aircraft and the one was a new medivac with no medical marking on it yet. I was by myself for this but had done these almost every day I worked here, "no problem" I thought
I started with the one on the right (my left) and filled it with full main tanks and 65L in the Aux tanks, done. The medivac always takes full main tanks so I moved down the line and filled up the tanks up to just over 400L. As I went to write down the reg. I noticed I had accidentally filled up the private charter plane. It had been fueled by my manager in the morning and I had inadvertently DOUBLED the fuel load of it.
So here I am after getting a phone call from work not to come in until next Monday as the clients and pilots wait for another plane to fly in from another city to take them to an even farther city costing thousands. I may have lasted less than a month at something I thought I would do well at. Cheer me up reddit :(
TL;DR: Extra fuel = extra anxiety
zalloy: So, there's no way to drain off the excess fuel? That sounds odd. Also, if the manager had already fueled the plane, then why was it left lined up with the other aircraft that were waiting to be fueled?
It sounds like your boss screwed up by leaving the plane there and not telling you it was already taken care of. But, at the same time, you screwed up by not checking the paperwork before beginning the fueling process. Airports and the FAA love paperwork, and sometimes the guy who did something isn't there to tell you he already did that, or maybe the guy forgets to tell you, so you rely on the paperwork to tell you what everyone else already did.
Not sure if you'll lose your job over this, or just get a stern reprimand, possibly accompanied by some further training. I mean, you just started the job not long ago, and don't have a lot of experience. But, at the same time, airports are very anal about their equipment because they have to be. People's lives count on that equipment working flawlessly.
Good luck, and keep us updated.
AirScare: Thanks. We don't move planes around the ramp as that is completely useless, They park and they stay for a few minutes or hours or sometimes days. It just so happened that the 3 KingAirs came in one after another. We do the paperwork after fueling and pilots usually tell us verbally what they want. I guess my main mistake was not recognizing the medivac as it usually looks different from the other ones. Draining fuel would have made sense but I never heard anything on it and assumed it could not have been done.
| 3 | 12.666667 | |
1381276489 | 1381291940 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | CommentsOnOccasion: TIFU by bombing an exam and then missing the 10% extra credit quiz too
One of the requirements to enter the Mechanical Engineering program at my school is that you have to get an A or B in Calculus II. You may retake it one time. If you do not get an A or a B after your two attempts you can never enter the engineering program here.
So last semester I got a 78%. This semester I figured I would nail it, since I just took it last semester and had all of my old materials to study from, plus I knew most of it.
Well we had our first exam about a week ago. I earned a 53%. And it was higher than most of my friends' grades. We have lectures on Mondays and Wednesdays. Yesterday I had four other classes to attend including a presentation in one of them, I was in a bad mood, and it was pouring down rain. So I decided to skip my 5:30 Calc II lecture (it was supposed to be on an easy topic that I know about).
Well turns out he gave out an extra credit quiz on Monday. Around 10 possible points of extra credit. And I missed it.
To make everything worse, I had emailed him earlier asking him about extra credit and telling him my situation and how I was concerned about his course. All in all it was an email about as long as this post. He emailed back the words "I gave an extra credit quiz on Monday." That was it.
So now I have a 53% on my first exam, I missed the possible 10% extra credit quiz, and I look like a total ass to the professor.
Today I fucked up.
Belgara: Skipping the class you direly need to pass to get into the program you want isn't the best of ideas, especially when you're already in trouble. Yeah, you done fucked up.
I'd suggest you start going to SI if the class has it, or see if the school's got tutoring for the class. Maybe it's your prof, but sounds like it's even nastier the second time around.
Also, at the risk of sounding like an ass, if you knew most of it, why the 78 the first time around?
CommentsOnOccasion: Final exam wasn't written by the prof who taught the class last semester. So the final was way harder than the rest of the exams
I went into the final with a B and came out just below it
Belgara: Ohh. Ouch. That really sucks.
| 4 | 2 | |
1381280744 | 1381337077 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | beauyouknow: TIFU by sending my prof a one-lined email about poop transfusions
My family, despite being heavily involved in the medical and public health sphere, can be completely inappropriate, politically incorrect, hilarious assholes.
This week, my sister sent out a thread with her "own" Ice-Breaker questions (questions meant to let others more about her) and they were somewhat disgusting and hilarious. My entire family is replying to the thread, but I hadn't yet. I had finally thought of something to reply with because the first question was, "If you had a c. diff infection, would you do a fecal transplantation by pill, tube, or shake?" Well I didn't like those answers so I decided to do my own research into cures for a c. diff infection.
Rather than a poop shake, feeding tube, or pill, you can also do enema retentions, which sounded a lot better than the other options.
Due to extremely brief, 5am carpool induced, inbox dyslexia,
I sent the following, and only the following, to my professor who is an extremely classy, professional woman, who I have never met as this is my first quarter at a new college: "I just read you can also do enema retentions for poop transfusions so i pick that"
This has never happened to me. I sat in the library, choking for air while my stomach fell out of my butt.
I flustered around for any, ANY button, to stop the sending. But alas, the Mail app does not have such a thing (to my knowledge.)
PLUS SIDE: Once going to "Sent," I noticed that the reply address was actually a "no-reply" email address! HALLELUJAH!!!!!!!!!!!! Except...what if it still gets to her....I just got a MAILERDAEMON saying the email was merely "delayed" and it will continue to try to send the email for the next 4 days.
Oh dear god at least it wasn't a response to the entire questionnaire or that would have been truly...catastrophic.
I have to go to her office hours tomorrow so I pray to god I wake up and that email is still lost in cyberspace
BirdistheWyrd: am I the only one wishing she would get it, and have him explain what an enema retention is?
beauyouknow: I didn't read too much into it, once I saw the title I just assumed they just tube poop liquid into your butt instead of through your mouth :(
BirdistheWyrd: It sounds like an episode of South Park to me.
| 4 | 8.25 | |
1381299441 | 1388651402 | null | t5_2to41 | 251 | verytiti: TIFU by taking a Snapchat Stories of myself naked
I got out of the shower this morning and decided to play around with the new feature of Snapchat - Snapchat stories.
I took a selfie of myself, half naked, thinking that I would have the option to choose who I want to send it to ( I wanted to send it to a guy I have been seeing), but when I press the next button, the photo published itself as a "story". It won't go away for 24 hours, and people in my entire friends list can see it, AS MANY TIMES AS THEY WANT TO.
Don't know why it took me nearly 5 mins to realise what had just happened. I panicked, tried to google a way to delete the story and before I could have destroy the story forever, a friend of mine took a freaking screen-shot. 60% of my friends on Snapchat is from the same university we are all going to, and this is a very small uni.
I just want to dig a hole and die in there.
kdu3142: you can delete them...
Click on the picture once and click on the little gear on the right. Delete...
verytiti: I did! 5 mins later after the screenshot was taken.....
kdu3142: Honestly? The design makes no sense... they really have to make it easier to use. I can see my friend's "scores" but I can't find mine.... Lots of mistakes with the new one.
Also, sorry, I didn't read your text before posting. Just wanted to help as soon as I could.
xmasterZx: Tap "Snapchat" at the top of the inbox.
kdu3142: Such amazing design! How did I not find that before?
Edit: I still don't get that number. There are 2 numbers. Sent|received? Is my score the combination of both?
Sublimebro: Go to "My friends" (Where the stories are located), Click on your name, click the settings wheel, and then click "best friends".
The score should be at the top of this box.
| 7 | 35.857143 | |
1381315975 | 1381358598 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | RoadZombie: TIFU by not going to college because of family issues.
My story starts out like this: *Back story* My mother who is an amazing person all around has struggled with depression all of her life, she had a terrible childhood, her mother never paid attention to her, she never found out who her real dad was because her mother slept around a lot and so their is a multitude of people that could potentially be her father. The one person that does decide to attempt to be a father in her life, her mom shuns and does not let around her as a kid. Her mother then marries my now deceased step-grandfather, which I learned a couple years ago is a huge pile of shit who molested my mother as a kid. Now my mother is one of 3 kids, one sister and a boy twin. Neither of them were molested only her. Her sister was also a complete bitch to my mom up until her early 20s, her brother on the other hand was her best-friend.
Now lets fast forward 18 years, where I am now...18! My mom has been repressing this for the last 30 some odd years, however recently an incident at her work tipped her over the edge (incident was not her fault, shitty goddamn Human Resources) which has sent her down into a downward spiral for the past 4-5 months, along with the fact that she is now working another job where she works 65 hours a week and never gets to see me or my father.
Now my Father is another story, we don't need much of a back story here, but between he has been really understanding of what has been happening with my mom, and is again a very good person. However for the past 2 months of this downward spiral, my mother has not been coming home everynight after work. Which worries the fuck out of my dad and myself. My mom has been crying herself to sleep in her car, and sleeping in it some nights because she thinks she is a terrible piece of shit, which she isn't, no where near it. Because of this my Father has manic depression, when he talks to my mom he is as happy as all get out but as soon as he hangs up he plunges into a depression because he doesn't know if my mom will be home that night.
Now this is where I am tied in, I am in the middle of all this, I can't sleep cause all i do is worry about my mom , or my father going off the deep end and its depressing me to a point where I don't sleep anymore, I can't sleep my mind races, I don't have the motivation to get out of bed cause all I do is worry anymore. Now the real fuck up here is this all coincides with my first ever semester of college, and being the severely depressed person I am currently cause, in my mind, my home life is literally falling around me and I can't do a damn thing to stop it, I haven't been to college in weeks and I'm pretty sure I have fucked my first semester of college up to a point of no return and its no ones fault but mine, I should have gotten my ass up no matter what, but its just been so hard to fucking do anything. I don't know what to do anymore. But yea guys I fucked up bad. Also I guess I kind of just needed to vent, probably isn't the place to do it.
andyconr: It's only the first month you've missed man. Sitting around moping won't help, start going in and working and things should be okay. The early lectures are moreso introductions anyway, especially if it's your first year. There's never a better time to start than right now so get in there.
Ruggsy: Show her what a successful child she raised
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1381310264 | 1381319910 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | amplebooty: last night i fucked up by smoking too much weed
Ok so i'm used to have decent sized sessions, i've ate weed, smoked weed and vaped weed. So i go to a gathering at short notice and bring a good ole bag of pot thinking people would be keen for a sesh. I get there and most people are drinking/having a good time. Unfortunately no one was particularly down for the green. My friend said he'd be happy to roll my joint whilst i went to the toilet (i can trust him not to take any) which i agreed to. First mistake i made. I came back and he rolled a fat fucking joint. After he kept badgering me to light up i finally did.
Now there was really only three other people keen on hitting the joint but i was the main player, everyone was taking a toke and passing, i had to be the main player and ended up smoking the majority. I thought i'd be ok. 5 mins after my body was paralysed, i could barely move and not make sense of any conversations going on around me. My friend said all the blood from my face was gone and i looked like a ghost. One of the guys who had only three tokes said he felt really high and that the weed i brought was insanely strong and he's a solid toker so i knew i was fucked. It was only till i stood up that the whole world changed. It was the most concentrated high i think i've ever felt. I didn't vom but i layed down for some time to gather myself. An hour later i stupidly toked on someone elses joint.
I ended up throwing up on the side of the road at 4 am when someone from a car yelled out "pussy!", indeed i was. Anyway that's about it, i wouldn't recommend that much weed.
Felixthestoner: It happens man, don't dwell on it. I have been there done that. All stories for you to tell your grand children
amplebooty: Yeah, first time i've actually been worried how high i've been haha. And i've been doing it a good couple years.
Felixthestoner: For sure dude take one for me i take one for you
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1381318981 | 1381323594 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by having a girl way younger than me grind on my dick (abit long)
(well not really today but last Friday) So its Friday night, lets say around 7:00, and i did what any high school senior would do and tried to get a girl over to get a nut off. as im scrolling through my contacts to try to find a girl i could get over, i see the name of lets say "Rose" she doesn't look young, now rose is a girl i have been talking to for several weeks now, the flirty type stuff and we have been jokingly talking about her coming over, also talking on the phone almost every night, soon enough she seems to catch feelings for me and tells her mom about me, telling her siblings about me etc... anyway i text her saying "hey you still wanna come over?" she replies "sure, whats your address?" i send it to her she doesn't reply for about 25 minutes, by the time she text back with the answer i cleaned my room already you know, first time meeting her and i wouldn't wanna come off as the slob type. she calls me and says shes stuck somewhere downtown with no ride. so i offer her a taxi and say when she gets here ill pay for it she says "okay". she gets to the door i open it and give her a hug and tell her "how much is it gonna be?" she says "10 dollars" i give it to her and she runs down and pays, while shes down there i go back in my room to make sure nothing looks outta place. she comes back up and we go in my room and start watching Netflix, we struggle to find a movie she suggest we watch a scary movie, i agree and pick The Possession. as we're watching the movie we begin to cuddle one thing leads to another and she gets on top of me and well starts grinding on my dick...she orgasms and im like okay my turn, i try to get her shirt and bra off but doesn't let me...i try my luck with down low. i move my hand down to her pussy and she moves my hand away and im like okay i give up.... she grinds on my dick and we make out for a little while longer. i notice its 11:00, my mom gets home around 12 so im like oh shit i need to get this girl outta here right now. i tell her "hey can you get a ride?" she says "i cant i didn't tell anybody i was here" so im freaking out because im the type to always over plan and double think things. i call her a taxi again outta desperation and say ill pay for it AGAIN.... the taxi calls me and tells me its outside, i give her a 20 for taxi because i was desperate to get this girl outta my house. i give her a goodbye kiss and shes off. i go back in my room clean up my bed and go to sleep.
2 days later i found out shes 15....im 17, turning 18 in November....i block her moms phone which is the phone shes been calling me from and block her on Instagram and Facebook, now shes completely cut off and i have no ties to her anymore....but i think payed 30 bucks for a 15 year old to grind on my dick.......NEVER AGAIN am i having a girl over without knowing her age first.
Letagod: Soo.. She's 15, you're 17. Everything was consentual right? I dont realy see a fuck up here.
terryboy: Yeah I don't think its that bad either.
| 3 | 2 | |
1381288628 | 1381536708 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | DudeManBr0: TIFU by trusting a fart while watching hockey
So I went out with some friends after work today for a happy hour of sorts at the local bar. Since I'd only eaten once today so far, I was rather hungry and ordered a buffalo chicken flatbread, sweet potato fries with a maple bacon BBQ sauce, pretzels with beer cheese and several brews to wash it all down. On top of all that, I came home and had several brownies that were conveniently been left out on the counter. From that point on, my farts could have killed a small army, but that was the only side effect of all this eating. While watching hockey early this evening, I felt another one of my atomic farts coming on and like a fool I trusted it as I had all the others. Big mistake. All over boxers, shorts, couch. This was no shart, this was a shitty old faithful. Good thing my couch is brown I guess. Reset the counter.
TL;DR ate/drank too much, shit my pants while watching hockey.
MKibby: I feel like I know exactly where you ate. Pennsylvania?
DudeManBr0: nope, a bar in New Jersey
frostybitchtitties: What bar is this, since I'm located in NJ and I wanna know to never go there
| 4 | 3 | |
1381329694 | 1381340193 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,298 | Spamsational: TIFU by answering my sister's phone.
My sister and I were in the kitchen together when I saw her phone ring. I'm a tease of a brother so I answered it with a really loud and long "heeellllllooooo?" the girl on the line asked if she was calling my sister, I replied "yes" just like this [guy](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rL5ZVljj4vg). Meanwhile my sister is desperately trying to get the phone back off me, but I thought I was having fun with her friend.
In the kerfuffle the call ended, my sister tried to call back only to see that the line was busy. She called back five minutes later to get through to a retail clothing store.
Turns out they were calling her to offer her the job she applied for...
They offered it to the next person on the list because they thought she gave them a false number.
______________________
So here I am. My sister finally had a job after months of searching and I threw it away because I had to be an annoying fucking idiot. It's 1AM and I can't go to sleep because of all the guilt I have. I have no idea how to make it up to her because she tried so hard and nothing I have/can do could match a fucking job.
She knows I would never do it on purpose, but I can see how devastated she is and it makes my heart break to know I did this.
I'm feeling like shit, she feels worse which is making me feel like even more shit.
I'm such an idiot.
_______________________________________
EDIT: Alright, well I have woken up to see this really blew up. I didn't expect it to gain so much traction since it was just a way for me to let off steam. I'd like to thank a lot of you for your advice, you have been most helpful. I'm going to help get her a job this time and pay for her expenses like fuel.
And to all the people saying "don't answer the phone next time, you moron".
Well, duh.
Lightofmine: Get her an I'm sorry card. Buy her candy, take her out to cheer her up and as an apology. Beyond that there isn't much you can do man. I feel for ya.
Radico87: not much he can do? Christ, you're a limited, depthless person.
He can go around asking for apps, he can call the manager of that office to explain what happened because it can't hurt, he can ask around his social sphere about openings, etc. Saying sorry and buying candy is hardly everything he can do.
mark10579: >Christ, you're a limited, depthless person
See, this is why reddit is shit. You had a mildly different opinion than him, and instead of politely disagreeing with his post, you attacked him as a person. It's constant, just for once can someone not be rude when disagreeing?
Radico87: I'm stating a fact, I can't be bothered if it upsets you. His idea is limited and depthless, this is not a disagreement.
whatglasses5: Sure, maybe his idea was limited, but you said he was a limited and depthless *person*.
Radico87: Yup, based on his actions, or lack thereof in this case. Well, at least he's suggesting OP does more than praying for example, so that's something.
whatglasses5: You attacked him as a person based on a statement. Attack the statement, not the person, you walking contradiction you.
Radico87: there's no contradiction, but I appreciate your attempt at wit.
I consider people who say sorry through a box of candy to be lesser people than those who say sorry by trying to fix their mistake. So, again, I can't be bothered with who you feel about fact. This exchange is boring and I unfortunately I have responsibilities, cheers!
whatglasses5: Oh, there's no contradiction, you say? I suggest you work on your reading comprehension.
| 10 | 229.8 | |
1381327211 | 1381370753 | null | t5_2to41 | 210 | [deleted]: TIFU by holding a baby not long after surgery
This will be a short one for you. On Monday I had appendix out and have been moping around at home recovering for a few days bored out of my damn mind. So my mum brings around my baby cousin to keep me busy. Long story short I held heragainst my chest facing out so she could see stuff and she just recently discovered kicking so getting a bit excited she starts this violent mid air running action and delivers a Mach 5 axe kick right into one of my keyhole scars.
I almost passed out from the pain and dropped her, the icing on the cake is when my mum went to take her from my arms she accidentally punched me in the gut.
Today was not a good day.
hadhad69: Dude, I thought this was going to involve you picking up a baby in ICU and it falling apart or something. Jesus.
FuneralShadow: Wait.. So babies can fall apart? I know they're fragile but.. D:
MadameQuiggles: Don't you know? Babies can disassemble just as quick as they're [assembled.](http://www.acmearchivesdirect.com/assets/Image/Product/detailsbig/RGC10.jpg)
FuneralShadow: Oh my god.. So if that's how babies are made.. What are those things that come out of vaginas? D:
MadameQuiggles: (ಥ⌣ಥ) You mean bacon?
FuneralShadow: Works for me! Yay bacon!
| 7 | 30 | |
1381334343 | 1381345769 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | Merritt16: TIFU by giving blood.
So not today but yesterday. So yesterday we had a blood drive at school and I had never donated before and I wanted to do my part. This being my first time I did what everybody told me to do, eat a good breakfast, drink lots of water. I assume the normal protocol. I was scheduled to give blood at 11:15 which was 20 minutes after lunch so I had plenty of food in me. I also drank 3-4 bottles of water before hand.
I walk into the room hand the lady my form the school makes us fill out and sit down to read the packet they hand you to read about giving blood and what not. Not 2 minutes after I finished sat down a friend of mine of mine had just finished giving blood and sat down next to me. I was talking to her about how it was my first time and how I was a little nervous, and she told me I had nothing to worry about. Just as she finishes her sentence she goes pale, eyes roll back into her head and she passes out. Great I think. She came back about 10 seconds later, but not something I want to see as soon as I walk into a room about to give blood for the first time.
The nurse has checked my iron and my blood pressure and I'm good to go now. I sit back in the lounge looking chair you sit in and the nurse starts prepping my arm with the iodine. Now I hate needles. Not a whole lot makes me squirmish but those do. I wasn't all that worried about it because my plan was just to not look until they had it In my arm and covered up. Well I was looking at reddit on my phone when the nurse started making casual conversation, so I looked up to respond to her just as she puts the needle into my arm. Greeeeeaaaaatt...
I managed to shake it off and do what I could to keep it off of my mind. Just as my bag is finished I start to feel very light headed and like I'm about to pass out. Two nurses rush over and put an ice pack behind my neck and start fanning me. I start to feel better so I move to one of the straight back chairs where I ate a bag of crackers and drank some oj. I was having a conversation with a friend when the next thing I know the room is spinning and I make my way back to the lounging chair thing I was in. I then proceeded to throw up for the next 10 minutes and feel like death for an hour after that. I missed the rest of my afternoon classes for the day. Safe to say I will not be donating anymore.
TL;DR Donated blood, watched a friend pass out threw up and felt horrible 0-10 would not do again.
Splashonda: Maybe they took too much blood?
Merritt16: They took just as much if not less from me as they did from everyone else. It was a pint for everyone. I'm a big dude too so I have no clue what it was.
FuneralShadow: Since it was your first time that's probably what did it. I donated my junior year of HS for the first time and the exact same thing happened to me. I was okay, walked back to class feeling fine, all of a sudden everything started to spin and I ran to the bathroom but collapsed on the floor right outside the bathroom. I'm a big-ish woman so I was confused too and they told me that's normal for first time donors. I donated again a few months later and everything went fine. I think if you were to try again you'd be okay that time around. But everyone's different. If you do donate and it happens again, feel free to blame me :P Hope you feel better soon!
Merritt16: I'm feeling much better today! Thank you! The needle thing has kinda messed me up though haha. We'll see though haha.
| 5 | 6.2 | |
1381338495 | 1381365435 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by apparently eating too much fiber.
Let's get this started. I'm a healthy 18 year old. I eat basically the same thing everyday (cereal, eggs, fish, chicken, in that respective order.) So I try going to the bathroom last night, feeling a bit strange. As I lower my pants and squat down, I feel the cold touch of the toilet as it welcomes my ass. When I start pushing, I notice that I am not pushing out poop, but a rock hard lovechild of my digestive system and [Onix](http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20080909113918/es.pokemon/images/b/b2/Onix.png). In other words, it's really FUCKING big and I cant get it out. It's been a known twelve hours of bearing this thing, and I still can't get it out. This is not only scaring me but making me angry. I want to work out, but today is leg day. There's no way on Earth that I'm going to squat with this thing. Fuck. Fuck. Help. EDIT: Or not enough fiber, I dont fucking know.
TonytheTico: Mission accomplished. My aunt basically gave me some vaseline and told me to work it out. I sat in the bathroom for a good half an hour. But it was cool, because as soon as I finished, [Auto Rock by Mogwai](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jLFd6k1BHDk) came on. It was very climactic.
DorkKnight52: (Try this one next time.) [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Homukj0sBYU]
TonytheTico: Hopefully there isn't a next time haha
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1381342851 | 1381585991 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | a_davis: TIFU by talking to a girl that my friend was trying to get
So let me just start with a little bit if backstory here. So I live in a relatively medium sized town where everybody knows everybody. Well when I graduated high school, I decided to go to a community college a little over an hour away from home. So my freshman year, I lived in the dorms and figured everything out about the college life while making friends and all that good stuff. Well I met a few guys, let's say their names are Alex and Greg, that were from a town close to my hometown, so we started to hang out a lot. Well now I am a sophomore and I still go over to their apartment and hang out almost every single day. Well about a month ago, they started being these two girls, let's say their names are Sally and Molly, around the apartment to hang out and all that good stuff. Well me and all the other guys that hang out over there automatically know that these girls are off limits because Alex is fucking sally, and Greg really likes Molly. So no big deal, we all hang out all the time and get to be pretty good friends where we go out and play basketball, volleyball, and just chill really. So last week, Molly comes up to me with her phone and asked me to put in my snapchat name. I think no big deal, all of us snapchat each other all the time, won't hurt anything. Well we start snapchatting and after about a day, she sent a random snapchat and all it said was text me. Well I decided I wasn't going to be the one to blame, so I have her my number and told her to text me first. So she did. Well that was last Thursday, and we texted on and off almost all weekend. So Sunday morning, she texted me and said that she needed to tell me something. So I ask what it is and she bullshits around it for a minute and finally just tells me that she likes me. I was in shock. But I did what any other guy would do and told her that she was cute (because both Molly and Sally are very attractive). So Monday afternoon, I was hanging out at Greg and Alex's apartment and I decided that it was the perfect day for a nap. Well I decide to go in Alex's room since Greg was napping in his own bed and Alex is at work. I lay down and fall asleep, and low and behold, about an hour later Molly walks in the door. Well I asked her if Greg knew she was there and she said no. So I told her we needed to talk about the whole situation about how it's fucked up on my part for me to do that to someone who is my good friend knowing that Greg likes Molly. Well as we sit there and talk, she kept like cuddling with me and stuff like that and eventually just started kissing me. Well I didn't know what to do, I couldn't just back away cause she is gorgeous, but I didn't want to do that to Greg. Well we stop and I just rolled over and went back to sleep. But now I don't know what to tell Greg or Molly and it's just a whole fucked up situation cause now I think I'm starting to feel something for Molly too but I don't want to do that to someone who has been my friend for so long. So reddit, what do I do?
Flaming_Flame: Haha Yeah, I would be all "fuck you Greg, she likes me." And then proceed to super hot makeout session. Ahh, if only I were attractive...
Zyynn: You don't need looks.
Flaming_Flame: In high school, you do.
Zyynn: Not really... at least not in Australia.
PENGAmurungu: well you don't need to be that attractive, but being ugly *is* a handicap.
Zyynn: True. I have seen some pretty ugly guys dating quite a few women though.
| 7 | 2 | |
1381314898 | 1381397225 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | NotYourLoginID: TIFU by messing with my System Variables and deleting the PATH variable...
I was trying to be able to code C in Eclipse and didn't know that the already existing "Path" variable was the same as the "PATH" variable. So when I made a new variable for "PATH" the old one and all its references (Java, NVIDIA drivers, Bluetooth, and tons of other things most likely were gone). So now I'm sitting here begging for System Restore to 8 hours ago works. To add to the misery I still can't get Eclipse to output to the console when debugging... Thus I'm so failing my exams tomorrow!
dnedra: The path should restore itself when you reboot the computer?
NotYourLoginID: Negative...
dnedra: How did you change it out of curiosity?
NotYourLoginID: Luckily, the reason I was editing it was because I was messing with my eclipse setup. When I uninstalled Java like 2 hours prior to re-install it, my computer made a restore point. Good Guy Windows 8 to the rescue
| 5 | 3.2 | |
1381347476 | 1381407718 | null | t5_2to41 | 38 | HeresMrThrowaway: TIFU By showing a funny video of a teacher shooting students, to a friend who's been through a school shooting.
So here's a little background, I am going to college to get a degree in teaching and for one of my current classes we each had to give a presentation about school discipline. So today was my turn and I'm giving my presentation which is going really well everyone was engaged and laughing at my jokes. So later I show [this video](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vgBjq1EsDHU) to prove a point in a wacky and funny way. Everyone was laughing and enjoying the video, everyone but one person, who was actually a friend of mine.
Whatever, I finish my report and everyone seems to have enjoyed it, except for my friend, so I sit by her and ask if everything is all right. She kind of nods without looking at me then gets up and leaves the room. Now I'm seriously wondering whats wrong, then it hits me, I remember she told me when we first met that her high school had a school shooting her Senior year, and I'm not talking lock down and everyone is okay, but one where people were actually killed and had a large amount of media attention. After I realized the problem, I instantly got up and chased her down, she was in tears.
I ran up and hugged her telling her that I totally forgot and the video was in bad taste. I eventually calmed her down but I knew she was still angry with me. I am currently asking for her forgiveness which luckily she is a kind enough person to not hold a grudge. But still, thinking about it now.... It was all pretty fucked up on my part.
**TL;DR**- I made a girl cry by reminding her of a horrific event in her life.
FercPolo: Well, take heart in the fact that you didn't do it TO her. She was in the class that the video was shown in. Realistically since you say you're her friend maybe you should have realized she'd see it...but apologizing, comforting her, and moving on are really all you can do. She's going to hear references to school shootings at other times in life. She needs to move on too.
And, it sounds like this video was a teacher shooting students? I doubt that's what happened at her school.
I always look like the dick when I ask this...but maybe she wanted a little attention too? Or is she ultra sensitive and she always breaks down to tears when school shootings are mentioned?
HeresMrThrowaway: She's a pretty sensitive girl in all honesty, but I mean the incident is still pretty recent also.
FercPolo: Well shit. You know when you hear High School you think of the days when YOU were in High School? I was partially distracted my brain substituted when I went to High School with the fact that she probably just graduated a year or two ago.
Just me being insensitive then!
HeresMrThrowaway: No it's cool cause I feel you there bro, I graduated high school like 3 years ago and we never even had a legit lockdown so that kind of video is humorous to me.
| 5 | 7.6 | |
1381348608 | 1381451567 | null | t5_2to41 | 139 | boardgamejoe: TIFU by changing a wallpaper on a Windows computer, and nearly getting fired.
The event happened last Thursday but the aftermath happened this morning.
I work at a factory, and we have various machines and a couple of them are run by these old Windows XP computers. On Wednesday of last week, one of these testing machines was not working, and after 5 hours of downtime, they finally realized that this memory card that records data was full and needed to be changed out. This is the second time this has happened, and no one seems to ever remember to check the memory card.
So I am pretty computer savvy, I am not a programmer, but I build and maintain my own systems and I am fairly confident in any windows environment.
So I am working at my station, and I was looking at the plain black wallpaper on that computer and it occurred to me that I could open up MS Paint, make a black PNG, add in some text that said "Is the memory card full?" at the bottom of the screen in white letters and MAYBE it would save us some trouble next time.
So I did it, and I even showed it to our group leader thinking that they would see that it was a helpful idea.
Boy, was I ever wrong. A few minutes later the supervisor for the maintenance department is screaming at me to never EVER touch the computers ever again! and then another supervisor (Who does NOT like me to begin with, and is known for trying to get people fired) walks up and he takes a picture of the screen with his iPhone and I ask "What's that for?" and he says "An example."
So he walks off, and I go to him again and ask "Is that done with? I said I understood my mistake, have already been chewed out for it. Do you plan on taking this further?" and he goes, "We'll see."
Ominous
Well I am piss scared, I really need my job.
So I hang out a few minutes after work and I want to talk to a bigger boss who seems a fair and decent sort and before I get to talk with him, the supervisor who took the picture talked to him about it first.
So I wait until he is finished and walking away and I approach him and ask if he has a minute and he says he already heard about it, and just told me to stay off the computers and don't do it again but not to worry about it.
I was relived, feeling that the danger had passed. The next day, I was at the computer near the group leader because I had some missing hours on a check and I see the group leader's email open and I see an email that says ATTN:BoardGameJoe
and I ask, "Hey.. what is that about?" and she says "Why are you reading my emails??" and I said "I wasn't reading your emails, I just noticed my own name as it is easy to spot your own name."
So she says "Oh it's just this thing I had to fill out for HR" and that's all she said.
Fuck, is this not over?
Is this a formality? or am I going to go all the way down for changing a fucking wallpaper?
Fast forward to today, I arrive at work and a few minutes later, i get told that I have to talk to the head of HR in the morning.
It was the most painful 7 hour wait that I have ever experienced. I was just sick with dread, could not eat or drink anything. Felt like throwing my guts up all night long. Spent the whole night trying to figure out what I was going to do to take care of my family.
What makes matters worse is that the company seems to be firing higher seniority people over trivial things and replacing them with temps or people with no seniority. People who are on the starting pay with no vacation days. My job is not highly specialized. I am just a miscellaneous line worker.
So the meeting came, they chewed me out pretty good, I was written up but somehow was allowed to keep my job.
I am so happy, but still feel like I work in an environment where I am not liked and I feel like they are my enemy waiting to destroy me at the slightest opportunity.
Spamsational: Can you explain why changing the wallpaper made them upset?
boardgamejoe: Because they think I could have crashed the whole system inadvertently.
Spamsational: How is that possible?
boardgamejoe: It's not. I live in a redneck zone. Computers are magical to them.
trekstar: This is sadly very true. People are afraid of what they don't understand. Anything beyond Microsoft Office and Google is unknown to them.
TristanTzara1918: > beyond Microsoft Word
Is more like it.
NextArtemis: "You know how a shortcut for making a new slide on PowerPoint? Are you a hacker?"
| 8 | 17.375 | |
1381276470 | 1381924412 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | Throwawayaccountzszs: TIFU by accidentally being anti-Semitic
Throwaway account
This occurred in 8th grade and still haunts me.
I was doodling in my friends science notebook and thought it was a good idea to draw a hitler in the form of Kirby. Later in the day, when I was in orchestra class practicing our pieces for festival. The vice principal steps in and calls me and my friend out of class. She then gives a speech about how ashamed I should be as I drew hitler and asked my friend my picture offended him in any way. Keeping the fact that I knew my friend is Muslim, he still says no. I was relieved, but as passing period came rumors of me being anti-Semitic spread like wildfire.i never ment to hurt or harass my friend as I thought that the picture would make him laugh. For the rest of the year, I was labeled as a nazi and outcast.
Fml
AcaciaJules: How is that anti-semitic?
xen84: Because some people like to get offended by everything.
Also, Hitler killed a bunch of Jews.
[deleted]: Yeah, like two thirds of them.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1381353176 | 1381558795 | null | t5_2to41 | -4 | soursnoke: TIFU by losing over 900 dollars at an airport.
I was on my way back from a week long business trip in Paris, Madrid, Japan, Macau, Hong Kong, Vietnam, Laos, Australia, Singapore, Malaysia, Africa, North America, the Soviet Union, Yugoslavia, the Holy Roman Empire, Sparta, Venice, the Kalmar Union, Norway, the Faroe Islands, Athens, London, Istanbul, Constantinople, Byzantium, the Khoo Islands, Bangladesh, India, Bavaria and Rome, and because I had been travelling all over asia and the world I had substantial sums of money in my wallet in all different currencies, adding up to about 900 US dollars. I know that I probably shouldn't have been carrying so much on my person. Hindsight is 20/20, i guess. Now I will have to borrow money from the Russian mafia to pay my rent.
zalloy: Ummm, so what exactly happened? Did they confiscate your money, or did you lose your wallet?
If it was confiscated, and it was in the US, try contacting the TSA and explaining your situation. If you were travelling on legit business they shouldn't be able to just up and take your money like that.
If you can't get it back, it's a pretty expensive lesson to learn. Next time, carry traveler's checks. If they're lost or stolen, you can get them replaced.
soursnoke: I left my wallet behind. I don't know the exact details, but I can make some inquiries if you like.
zalloy: If you lost it, it might be worth a shot to call the airports you went to, and ask if it might have been turned in to lost and found. It's quite possible that if someone found it, they might not have turned it in, or they might have emptied it. If you're lucky, a good sam found it and turned it in. It's a long shot, but worth a few phone calls.
Sorry about your luck.
StopReadingMyUser: Don't waste your breath. He's been copy/pasting this story everywhere, including my PM. I'm just going through some of his stuff and posting where applicable to warn others of this stupidity.
| 5 | -0.8 | |
1381361301 | 1381388331 | null | t5_2to41 | 93 | zachboy95: TIFU by gambling on a dense, wet, gnarly fart.
So today i woke up with a really big stomach ache. last night i was up until the wee hours of the AM battling the SS Diarrhea in my stomach. Seriously. torpedo after torpedo of wet, juicy Chinese take-out was erupting from the abyss within like Mt. Vesuvius on poor, poor Pompeii. I finally got to bed, and all was done. I debated on staying home from school today, but i realized the end of the first quarter was upon me, and I had a fairly large government test I couldn't afford to miss. I manned up and took some pills for the ever-churning cauldron of shit still remaining in my stomach. Fast forward- I'm sitting at my desk filling out my scantron when all of a sudden, it hits me. I have to fart. bad. I sat for what felt like 20 minutes debating on what to do. it then got to a point where if it didnt come out, i would probably die. i lifted my right butt cheek to allow minimum sound, and felt the cool air escaping my ass. following the air flow was a very wet sensation on the cusp of my bootyhole. i clenched. i clenched harder then i ever clenched before. i clenched so hard, I threw up. all over the test. Turns out, the side effects of the pill i took this morning was nausea... which apparently i was ignoring due to extreme focus on hellfart.
TL;DR plot twist...
DorkKnight52: ... Directed by M. Night Shamylan
ThyGuardian: Better then the Happening.
[deleted]: The Happening 2
| 4 | 23.25 | |
1381357017 | 1381414502 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | DudeManBr0: TIFU by running out of gas.
So I'm an idiot and an asshole because my gas light came on today while driving to my second job but I thought "I have enough to make it there and back, I'll fill up when I get home." Turns out, I only had enough to make it a quarter of the way home before running out of gas on the side of a mountain. Now waiting for AAA with gas to get me home. When will I learn?
TL;DR thought I had enough gas to make it to work and back. Nope.
wonderpickle2147: You didn't have anyone you could call besides AAA? Does everyone hate you or something?
BeaverTag: AAA refuels you at no extra cost. Also tows and changes tires. Totally worth it.
wonderpickle2147: Good to know!
| 4 | 6 | |
1381368168 | 1381420188 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | saggyness: TIFU by not calling my parents.....
-Before I called the locksmith to open my cardoor because my dumbass left the keys inside there....BOOM, 180 bucks, gone.
jacobstamand: I keep an extra key in my wallet. That way if I accidentally lock my keys in or lose them I have an extra on me.
saggyness: Yes, in doing this as soon as possible for fucking seriously somebody give me a good reason why it cost 220 bucks for something that took 20 seconds to do.
echo2bravo: Skilled labor, if you have it, means you can gouge the fuck out of everyone. Definitely keep a spare key, that advice is gold and saved me more than once.
saggyness: I tried opening the door with the coat hanger technique, didn't work.
echo2bravo: That is not very easy to do, especially without practice. I locked myself out of my car once. Nine years later, I still carry a spare. Ever think about those hide-a-keys? I kept them on a succession of vehicles, different places. have not needed it but the habit is well established now.
| 6 | 4.166667 | |
1381321951 | 1381538975 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | mech101v: TIFU by reading a book
TIFU yesterday night i stayed up late reading a book, then proceeded to sleep thru my alarm for my temp job. the job is having a interviews tomorrow for the permanent position.
[deleted]: Is there a subreddit for "bad decisions"? Some of these "fuck ups" are getting repetitive; "I locked myself out", "I procrastinated", "I missed my alarm".
mrgdbg: I'm pretty sure "bad decisions" falls under "TIFU".
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1381375797 | 1381414408 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by wearing my ex girlfriend's thong for a day.
I lost a game where basically I pick a number between one and ten and then someone tries to guess it. If they get it, then I have to do whatever was set prior. Well I lost and I had to wear a thong all day. Afterwards, I was told it was my ex girlfriend's. So yeah. This sucks
hardaysknight: Wait, what if they don't get it? Seems like a stupid game to me...
KillerKoala777: If they don't get it, then it's their turn and they pick a number and I guess. It's just a way to pass time on long drives or when we have nothing else to do.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1381376342 | 1381394308 | null | t5_2to41 | 104 | AHandsomeBlackMan: TIFU by killing my lawn
This morning my Dad asked me to help him with his lawn, killing weeds and shit. He handed me a spray bottle of weed killer and said "Just spray all the weeds."
The whole back lawn has weed here and there so I thought, "why not just spray the whole lawn."
After about an hour of going over about 80% of the lawn with weed killer, he walked out and asked what I was doing. I told him that I went over the whole lawn. He flipped a chair and walked back inside and into his room. An hour passed and he came out. Calmly explained to me that weed killer kills grass too. He mowed the lawn before hand too, so the fact that he did it all for nothing made him a teeny bit angrier.
TL;DR I'm a dumbass, I killed my whole back lawn and I'm a dumbass.
Belgara: No, you killed your dad's lawn, which makes it an even bigger fuck up. Congrats!
AHandsomeBlackMan: Dude, the worst part is he gave me this face that almost literally had "disappoint" written all over it.
DerpyTheGrey: It is usually far preferable to have one's parents angry than dissapointed. If they are angry, you can get angry back, when they are disapointed you just have to feel ashamed.
| 4 | 26 | |
1381392565 | 1381413488 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | Jayke1981: TIFU by washing white sheets with a red silk quilt
Yes, I've done ultimate washing faux pas! My dog has been ill since last night, (its Thursday 9am BST, as I write this) and at half 5 this morning I woke to find him being sick just inches from my head - and his dog vomit went over the red quilt by the side of my bed as well as the sheets ON it. So I put them in the wash. not realizing that I've never washed the silk quilt with the sheets before! When the wash cycle had finished and I went to put them in the tumbler, I discovered my white sheets were now a lovely shade of PINK!
snowblind2112: Weaksauce. This kinda humps the 2nd rule bud.
Jayke1981: Good point. Well, it was a fuck up to me, so writing down.. was I guess, unnecessarily cathartic - or I just wanted to know who else has done this fuck up. Its my first one of this nature so it was out of the ordinary. For me anyway.
snowblind2112: no worries. Its 4:10AM where i am. Can't sleep, cruising /new. That was my attempt at kid gloves :P
Jayke1981: lol no problem!!
| 5 | 0.4 | |
1381387516 | 1381421108 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by running a red light and t-boning another car
I was driving home from work earlier tonight and decided to call my dad to chat while on the drive. I was on the phone and checking my rearview mirror and I didn't notice that the light ahead had turned red. I tried to brake, but it was too late and I clipped the back end of a jeep that then slid sideways, hit the curb and then rolled a good bit down the road.
Luckily me and the other driver were okay and walked away with just a few scrapes and brusies from the air bags.
Reddit, I'm freaking out. I've never been in a wreck before. I keep thinking "what if the other guy hadn't been okay" and how it would have been my fault. Or how he had just bought his vehicle a few weeks earlier and how I ruined it with my negligence.
My insurance is most likely going to go up so I'm freaking out about how my parents are going to afford it. I'm also thinking about whether or not my vehicle (2007 honda accord coupe) will be totalled. I just got it back in june. The uncertainty is the worst part; mostly if its fixable or not and what I will do for transportation until its fixed.
Reddit, I fucked up...
NobodySpecific: Yes, you fucked up. But dwelling on it won't help. Instead you need to focus on how to make this right.
Your parents pay for the car and insurance? You need to accept responsibility for this fuck up and find a way to pay for the increased costs yourself. I don't know where you live but lawns need mowing, driveways need shoveling, and leaves need raking.
You also need to make sure to take the steps to make sure this never happens again. Be an advocate, talk to your friends, talk to your family, but most importantly leave the phone alone when you drive. Checking your mirrors, your speed, seeing what is in front of you, to the left of you, and to the right of you all while trying to maintain a conversation is a really long list of things to have to do at every intersection. All it takes is a second of distraction and you've rammed two tons of metal into somebody else's lap.
AllisonTheBeast: If you're old enough to drive, you're old enough to have a real job. It doesn't necessarily have to be a "kid job" like mowing lawns and shoveling driveways.
NobodySpecific: I was just trying to get ahead of the "but nobody around me is hiring" excuses. Or the "my schedule is too variable, I can't get a part time job" excuse. I was listing jobs that require no more commitment than the time it takes to complete the job, and one of those three jobs should always be in season.
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1381419557 | 1381518411 | null | t5_2to41 | 43 | majestichobo: TIFU by looking at fat people memes
I'll try and keep this as short as possible. I work for a digital agency and I write a lot of online content, blog posts etc. I like to add a bit of humour to some of my posts and earlier today I'd written something about the most popular dishes in the UK.
Anyway, time came to submit the post and to to keep in with the humour I thought "I know what, I'll bung a meme into the post." Not just any old meme, a fat person meme.
As I've got the search page open on Google with fat people memes galore, the really fat guy in the office walked past my desk, scowled at me and carried on his merry way. I thought "Phew, that was a close call." Just went about my day, happy as Larry until ten minutes ago when I got an email from the guy who sits near the chap I offended saying "Expect a nice little chat with HR tomorrow." I'm currently cacking my pants.
TL;DR - I pissed a rather large colleague off trying to be humorous in my work. Now I'm in trouble.
ChrisFRKNRogers: I think an explanation with the right context will help. He might understand.
More importantly, which meme did you choose?
majestichobo: The meme I chose can be seen [here](http://www.granitetransformations.co.uk/news/3-most-popular-dishes-in-the-uk/2013/10).
Beef_Nuggets: Not even worth it.
| 4 | 10.75 | |
1381413816 | 1381470900 | null | t5_2to41 | 318 | [deleted]: TIFU by dropping my sunglasses in a dirty chinese squat pot
I never thought I would have anything to add to this sub, but here I am. Sigh...
So I've been frequenting /r/fitness and /r/gainit recently because I'm really skinny. With all the food I've been consuming I take a dump twice a day on days I work out. I do this because I don't want to write up a "TIFU by shitting my pants doing squats at the gym."
After lunch I go to the bathroom and squat down above the chinese style squat pot. Here's an example: ( http://i.stack.imgur.com/ZdIOW.jpg ) As I assume pooping position my sunglasses get knocked off my shirt and fall straight into the toilet hole.
Now here's where it get interesting. The hole isn't like the one in the photo. It's actually just a hole that goes down about 18 inches where there is some water and it curves off. So I get my phone out to shine some light into the hole and see my Ray Bans sitting there in nasty shitty piss water.
I've always said that if someone drops something in the toilet to just grab it without thinking, but I had to think. How the hell am I going to get these out? There's no way I'm leaving them there.
After a couple minutes of thinking I can't come up with a plan. So I just do it. I stick my hand down that hole. In the beginning the hole is wide enough that my hand and arm doesn't touch the sides, but the deeper it goes the narrower it gets. So soon my hand is sliding down these slimy shitty poop tube walls. Finally I feel my glasses. Get them out and look at my hand... Every part of my hand that touched the tube is covered in shit.
Now this is a chinese bathroom at my university, so I know that there is no soap by the sink. I turn the water an full blast, rinsing other people's brown off my hands, give the soap dispenser a try, and there is soap! By the time I finished cleansing there wasn't any left.
I get home, and tell my wife the story. First thing she says? "Why didn't you find a trash bag to stick your arm in?" I am not a smart man.
TL;DR: Dropped my sunglasses in a nasty chinese squat pot, stuck my hand down an 18 inch poop tube to get them back, washed chinese stranger's doody off my hands. Wife told me I should have put my hand in a bag. I'm an idiot.
wowwow23: I would have just left them unless they were crazy expensive. You essentially did that for (I'm assuming) around $200.
mychinesesucks: I can't afford that now. It would probably be another year before I could buy a pair of decent sunglasses.
poor_impulsecontrol: why don't you just buy cheap sunglasses from a convenience store or gas station? is there really much quality increase between $10 sunglasses and $200 ones?
jjiminian: actually, yes
TriggerTherapy: What would you say would be some of the differences in quality? Not that I'm questioning you skeptically; I'm genuinely curious and ignorant.
thesupremebeing: High quality sunglasses would have more durable frames, but I'm guessing the main difference would be in the lenses. More scratch resistant, better UV protection, fit into the frame better, etc. Possibly polarized lenses, which cut out glare significantly. A lot of those cheap sunglasses from convenience stores don't have much or anything in the way of UV protection, so while the tint makes it more comfortable for your eyes, they aren't being properly protected from UV radiation.
Source: worked in a glasses finishing lab, but didn't deal with sunglasses a whole lot.
TriggerTherapy: I often see that some of those cheap sunglasses from conveniences stores that are polarized though. Is there such thing as cheap/shitty polarized?
thesupremebeing: Definitely. Those 3D glasses they give you at the movie theatre (not the red/blue ones, but the black ones)? Those are polarized. If you take the "lenses" (made of some sort of flexible plastic?) out of those, and overlap them, it'll be dark. If you rotate one 90 degrees, it'll be significantly darker. However, if you do the same with high quality polarized lenses, the overlapped lenses will be almost impossible to see through if the top one is rotated. Much darker than the rotated 3D glasses lenses. This is just due to the quality of the polarization.
TriggerTherapy: I think I got it. Thanks so much!
JiForce: Stop being so nice on Reddit. It's making me feel weird!
TriggerTherapy: don't tell me what to do
JiForce: Much better.
| 13 | 24.461538 | |
1381418083 | 1381506263 | null | t5_2to41 | 155 | Jamezzar: TIFU by eating my dads home grown chilli, then picking my nose and going to the toilet.
So my dads been growing these chilli's. We like in the UK and to my understanding hotter chilli's grow in hotter climates. So i just ripped off a medium sized one, about half a thumb and shoved it in my mouth biting bits off as i go. Then after about 5-10 seconds it got hot, and hotter until my lips and throat were burning so much i ran into the kitchen, and drunk a whole pint of milk. During that time i decided to snort out a huge ass bogey, in which i thought it would be a good idea to pick out. My nose now stings like my lips did. Then before doing all this i realised i needed the toilet and the urge to go came back. So without learning my lesson first time i decide to not wash my hands and pee. Im sitting here writing this in deep uncomfort.
TL;DR - Ate one of my dads chilli's didnt wash hands, my penis and face hurts.
minhtan_93: At first i was all like "how does one grow chilli?". Guess they call it something else in the UK
ductyl: Well chili is called chili because it uses chili powder, which is made from chili peppers.
barnacledoor: Chili is the food, chile is the pepper.
ductyl: Not [necessarily](http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chili_pepper#Spelling_and_usage), it can be spelled either way.
barnacledoor: damn those brits and their butchering of the american language!
| 6 | 25.833333 | |
1381418235 | 1381454653 | null | t5_2to41 | 457 | Alerion_: TIFU by parking my car in the university parking lot
So my university's parking building is under renovation work. It's getting free/taken spot indicators and free spot counters per floor installed. So I parked in the specific floor which was getting work done today and I came back to see the back window destroyed because something fell on it.
The car is now on it's way to the dealer waiting for Nissan to import the new back window. Apparently it has to be manufactured somewhere because the car is 16 years old and they don't make it anymore.
Edit: This is Colombia, so please keep in mind things are quite different here than in the United States.
firsthour: You're not paying for this, right? This was definitely not your fuck up.
Alerion_: We have insurance, I pay the deductible and then get it back.
SecondTalon: You shouldn't be paying anything. It should be on their insurance, not yours. They pay for everything. You shouldn't have to front a dime, even if you're going to get it back later.
Alerion_: Its's alright, that's how insurance works in the country. It's either that or no insurance repair...
nightkhaos: Ahh. Love how people assume fault liability is a thing everywhere.
chilehead: It's not even everywhere in the US - a friend of mine came to CA from back east, explained no-fault insurance to me thusly: If you get into an accident, your insurance pays for your car and their insurance pays for their car. The only loser is the person that doesn't have insurance.
imnotarapperok: Well in NC it's against the law to not have insurance on a registered vehicle.
chilehead: This discussion took place as CA was struggling to do the same thing, and that is currently the law here.
imnotarapperok: That law totally sucks because I have an old crappy truck that we use to take trash off about once every month or so and have to spend money on insurance to drive it 20 miles a year. Used to everyone would go to SC because you don't have to have insurance there and buy cars.
electricheat: Can you register it as a classic? I think it's often 15-25 years, so as recently as 98 could be a classic car, heh.
imnotarapperok: It's a 1986 S-10. I probably can now that you mention it. But a lot of times it has to be garage kept and all that junk. This one just sits behind the shed until the next trash run.
| 12 | 38.083333 | |
1381423515 | 1381475943 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | Alpha-Leader: TIFU by asking a friend how he was doing...
A friend's brother died last week, and so my friend had been away. Today was the first day he was back, so I asked him, "Are you okay?" He said he he was, and then I fucked up..."Well you just got to keep hangin' in there."
He burst into tears, later I found out his brother had committed suicide...
I feel shitty.
[deleted]: thats a little bit funny
siba_BL: To /r/ImGoingToHellForThis with you mister.
| 3 | 13.333333 | |
1381424432 | 1381490846 | null | t5_2to41 | 347 | op_xsupernova: TIFU by sleeping naked.
I'm not actually sure if this was today or yesterday, as I have no idea what time this happened. Anyway.
I got drunk before I went to bed last night, one of my favorite shows (American Horror Story) started its new season and I saw that as a reason to celebrate (who am I kidding? I'm an alcoholic.), so I went to the store and got some drinks and got shitty, then passed out. At least I was *in bed*. I did manage to take all of my clothes off before I passed out, I don't sleep very well if I'm clothed. I woke up some unknown amount of time later and *desperately* needed to go pee, so I just hop out of bed and right around the corner to the bathroom. I live with my SO, and it's just the two of us, so I didn't worry about things like getting a robe on or shutting the bathroom door. I also didn't put on my glasses. I feel like I should mention that I'm almost legally blind, so if it's more than about 8 inches in front of my face it's very unlikely that I'll even be able to tell what said object might be. **But**, I know my house, so I just stumble around the corner blindly and sit on the pot. I see a figure in my living room, crouched down on the floor (or maybe a midget?), and I slur, "What'rrrre you doinnng babe?" And then I hear, "Playing video games... and ____ and _____ are here." OH MY FUCKING GOD THAT'S NOT MY SO THAT I'M STARING AT WHILE I'M NAKED AND TAKING A PISS!! Slammed the door and damn near started to cry, finished peeing, grabbed a robe and ran back to our bedroom with the hot face of shame. Didn't get much sleep, I feel like such an idiot.
TL;DR took a drunk piss while naked with the door open in front of guests.
Letagod: "Are you a BOY or GIRL?"
rvauofrsol: >"Are you a BOY or GIRL?"
Are you...quoting someone?
Sonic5039: If he meant to quote anyone I'd guess it's a reference to professor oak in the original pokemon.
swingforlethal: Wrong. But close. You didn't get to choose gender until the R/S/E gen.
mudkipclove: [Actually, you first get to choose your gender in Pokemon Crystal, which is a G2 game!] (http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view/204031/the-more-you-know-o.gif)
swingforlethal: Ah, the only one I never owned. Thank you for correcting me.
| 7 | 49.571429 | |
1381431523 | 1381481621 | null | t5_2to41 | 135 | [deleted]: By turning off the light in the restroom while my boss was taking a dump...
So I walked in our restroom at work which is a two man setup. One stall shitter and one urinal. I was using the urinal and my boss was taking a dump. I washed my hands and without even thinking about it opened the door and flipped the light switch. The door shut really fast behind me because the hydraulic door due-hicki is broken. About 5 mins later I hear this faint "thud thud thud". I just ignored it but then I herd it again and went to investigate. Low and behold my boss was still on the shitter where I left him in the pitch black. I assume he was banging on the wall trying to get someone to come turn on the light. I did not even say a word I just flipped the light back on and went back to my desk. He still has no clue who did it. I feel like shit, I don't know how I could be in such a state of mind to not remember he was in there. I hope he is not a redditer.
musical_throat_punch: See me in my office tomorrow.
[deleted]: Shit... :(
voucher420: Could you let us know what a musical_throat_punch is after you get one?
Edit: if you live...
PixelOrange: [Here you go.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Five_Finger_Death_Punch)
| 5 | 27 | |
1381443497 | 1381763198 | null | t5_2to41 | 41 | [deleted]: TIFU by asking a girl out
Backstory - So I've been talking to this girl for a few weeks now, and she just recently started showing signs of affection. She's been hugging me more and coming closer to me. I'd go do something and separate from the group of friends that I hang out with and she'd join me willingly. She'd smile at me and talk to me any chance she could. She made it pretty clear that she felt something for me, or so I thought. So finally yesterday I told myself that I'd just go up to her and kiss her. I was so extremely nervous. I had the perfect opportunity to do it, and I chickened out. Completely. I hated myself incredibly for the rest of the day. I woke up the next morning so determined to do what I was planning the previous day. I wasn't even nervous. I had it all layed out perfectly. The day goes by and by the end of it, I see her talking with some friends. It's now or never. I walk up to her and freeze up. Every drop of confidence fled my body so instantaneously fast, it was unbelievable. I say, "[Jane], I like you, will you be my girlfriend?" It was the most ridiculous thing that had ever left my mature mouth. Her friends start laughing and she turns as red as a tomato and just replies, "I don't know, I need to think about it," which pretty much translates to a no. I felt like such an idiot. So stupid. I'm now seen as the weird ass kid by every person at my school. The weird, awkward, fuck up kid. This is the third time in a row that something of this sort. I get led on way too easily.
Tl;dr I thought a girl liked me, I went for it, she declined, and now I appear as the totally weird kid.
* **Edit: I'm very very very new to the whole idea of dating. I have no previous common knowledge of women. We're continuing to talk, but it's almost hard for me because I'm still so embarrassed.**
njdevilsfan24: Wow, you overthought this, text her or ask her alone 'Hows the thinking going?'
bwbxo5: Haha all I ever do is overthink. I talked to her yesterday and I'm still debating whether I should continue my pursuit or not. She told me she likes me, but there's another guy she likes as well. I'm leaning towards letting her go
njdevilsfan24: Dont "let her go" to a lot of guys this means stop talking to her. You are a friend to her and you know it, maybe she isn't dating material, but she is a great friend and it should stay that way. Never "let go" of a friend like that.
bwbxo5: You misunderstood. I wouldn't do that. I'm not one to just stop talking to people. I'm not an asshole. Please, learn not to generalize and/or assume.
njdevilsfan24: I only said that some guys do that, not you specifically.
| 6 | 6.833333 | |
1381437719 | 1381514788 | null | t5_2to41 | 93 | Zerorion: TIFU by making satanic scones
I'm taking a culinary class in school, because I absolutely SUCK at cooking. So we learned a lot of basics, stuff we already know, blah blah blah... And we made apple scones awhile back, and all was good. Then, the teacher assigned us to make our own version of the scones, with our own added twist.
We've all had those maple-bacon donuts, right? Maple frosting with bacon bits on top. Delicious! So we try to make a copy of that in scone form.
So, our kitchen group is cooking, all is well, then I look over. What the hell, Casey? He plopped ALL of an ENTIRE package of bacon into the batter. WE only have 5 minutes to finish up the batter... so screw this. We leave the bacon inside, and cook it.
Fast forward a day, and everyone is taste testing their scones. When they get to ours, well, everyone just starts gagging and coughing, spitting etc. Then, one girl just starts crying.
She cried. They were that bad.
I just hope I passed the lab!
**TL;DR: Made a girl cry because I'm really bad at cooking**
Roselilly68: I feel you. One time I tried to cook a potato in a microwave. I ended up making the potato explode and catching the microwave on fire.
sonascorpia: Potatoes will cook wonderfully in the microwave if you stab them with a fork before sticking them in.
Roselilly68: :( I stabbed it about 20 times with a steak knife. I just put it in the for too long and then walked away.
sonascorpia: Ouch. Once, I cooked nachos in the oven. They were in there for literally 20 seconds before they burst into flames.
| 5 | 18.6 |
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