start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1381456594 | 1381507316 | null | t5_2to41 | 695 | VisualizeWhirledPeas: As a guest speaker in a high school class this morning, I used a dry erase marker on a Smart board, damaging school property.
The teacher told me to write something I was talking about on the board, so I did. She was so surprised/upset/?? when I wrote on the Smart board that she didn't say a word. The only reason I knew is because the students were screaming at me to stop. Unfortunately, fading into the woodwork wasn't an option.
I likely caused thousands of dollars in damages. Ugh.
UPDATE: Finally, over a week later, the teacher sends me a thank-you note and I ask her about the Smart board. She said the dry erase marker came right off.
2heartslovelycanter: Google "dry erase marker on smartboard" and read the second one down. Gives a how to in case a dry erase marker is used!
TouchaCat: Why not just link? :P
Felt_Ninja: Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, feed him for life.
nrfx: Give a man a google, google him for a day. Teach a man to google, google him for life.
javitee: Build a man a fire, keep him warm for a day. Set a man on fire, keep him warm for the rest of his life.
TimelordJax: This thread got really bright really quick.
| 7 | 99.285714 | |
1381487845 | 1381598983 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,078 | [deleted]: TIFU and missed out on shower sex...
So, my wife came home from work before. It's night time here and she got home around 9pm. Same as every other night, how was your day? what did the kids have for dinner? just like any other day.
Anyhow she's getting ready to take a shower and she asks if I can wash her hair for her, saying that her arms are tired on account of her going to the gym today. Now grooming requests aren't uncommon in our relationship, she'll get me to come into the bathroom to scrub her back sometimes and I shave her legs with a straight razor every Monday before she plays basketball. So I took it as a serious question, and politely declined, saying that I'm not good with long hair, I can't do it properly and the last time I tried to wash her hair was when we were dating over a decade ago, and it wasn't a pleasant experience for either of us.
She persisted, and asked me again to wash her hair for her, but I said that another reason why I didn't want to wash her hair was cause I didn't want to get wet as I was already in my pyjamas. She then replied " Take your clothes off then", and all I could think about was that it was too cold to be standing there naked washing hair.
So yeah, took me a few minutes for the penny to drop, by which time she was just about done with her shower.
TL;DR " Can you wash my hair?" means " Let's fuck in the shower"
SpongederpSquarefap: Why couldn't she say "Let's fuck in the shower"
Men are not good at receiving signals, we are like shitty antennas.
mahtahild: She may have been* hoping to make it a surprise
[deleted]: Exactly. I love doing that to my boyfriend.
curbstickle: For his sake, please listen to this....
Asking for it randomly can also be a surprise. So please just do that.
[deleted]: My boyfriend usually catches on pretty quick. Even if he doesn't take the hint, I'm still gonna fuck him. Surprise or not, sex is still good.
clone12TM: Can I replace him. o_o
[deleted]: Heh, I don't think so. We've been dating 3+ years, and we're more in love than ever.
| 8 | 134.75 | |
1381508856 | 1381512787 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by cancelling my "lost" credit card
I pulled my wallet out earlier to buy lunch and to my disgust the front was covered in chewing gum. Christ knows how that happened, it must have acquired the gum off a table at University or something and then I slipped my wallet into my pocket oblivious to the Wrigley's Spearmint decorating the front cover.
Obviously that's pretty embarrassing (not to mention disgusting) so I took my credit card out of the wallet and put it in my other pocket, so when I had to pay for something I wouldn't have a chewing gum covered wallet on display to the world like some sort of Retard.
Come 4pm and I'm saying bye to friends at the bus stop after walking out of my last lecture, and I reach into my pocket to grab my card.
Shit.
Where is it? Shit.
Checked all of my pockets and my bag, and it was nowhere to be found.
Fuck. I'll have to go the Bank and cancel it before someone uses it.
So I rushed to the Bank and cancelled it, leaving with me without funds for a week if not more while they sent me a new card and PIN.
Absolutely potless.
15 minutes after I walked out of the Bank I got a phonecall...
"Hello, this is (University Building) Reception, a Student has handed your credit card in."
TIFU.
slycurgus: How is that a fuckup? You did the right thing. If that student had decided to use your card instead of handing it in, you'd be posting "TIFU by not cancelling my lost card" right now.
crazy_muffins: I think the tifu was that canceled card, turns up right after that, no money access. But yea, better to cancel and find it than not and be cleaned out.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1381517330 | 1381601898 | null | t5_2to41 | 3,975 | r4rion: TIFU By making my friend look like he was going to have sex with his entire family.
Don't ask how or why, but I ordered my friend a 36-pack of condoms as a joke (they were magnums so he couldn't use them) - they were expected to arrive next week.
-They arrived to his house today
-His mom opened the package because he shares the same name with his father
-Finds 36 individually wrapped magnums
-He comes home from school
-Momflipsshit
-Apparently his family is all coming into town tomorrow for a huge reunion
-Now his parents think he is trying to fuck the girl relatives so they're calling them warning them of this
-TIFU
r4rion: update: I called his parents, but they wouldn't believe me. I then proceeded to drive over to his house with the actual email confirming the order. I volunteered to call everyone and apologize.
zalloy: Wow. Your buddy's parents need a sense of humor transplant. I can't believe they didn't see that it was a joke from the beginning. And what were they thinking, that they would jump to the conclusion that your friend was looking to fuck female family members at the reunion? I mean, unless he's done that kind of thing before...
stc89: You know how it is: you're always more suspecting of people when you would do the same thing yourself.
zalloy: Now *there's* a mental image I don't want! LOL!
L_Caret_Two: I hate it when people get downvoted for using lol. It's a fucking way of expressing yourself in text. How dare you express yourself using text in the middle of a *text comment*. DOWNVOTE BRIGADE COME NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fucking idiot redditors get off your high horses, are you too good to use lol?
Biffingston: You're supposed to downvote people who don't add to the conversation.
"LOL" adds nothing...
L_Caret_Two: He did add. Obviously a comment of only lol should be downvoted. He at least made a comment with some substance though.
zalloy: I have been contributing to the thread. Apparently, some people don't like the use of things like "lol" (whoopsie, I said it again). Maybe some of the people who are downvoting me should take the time to read the rest of what I wrote, instead of just one word, or abbreviation. I guess some people have nothing better to do with their time than to nitpick other people's posts, looking for reasons to downvote.
Biffingston: Oh yes, the three words before LOL?
I exaggerate, but not by much.
zalloy: Oh, and I suppose the other comments I made in the thread don't count either? I suppose you think you're the Reddit Police, or some shit?
Go crawl back under your rock! Sesame Street's on, if you need something to fill your time.
WhiteVenom1993: Dude I was on your side, but don't be a dick.
zalloy: Sorry. I wasn't trying to be a dick. I just didn't care for that other dude's tone, that's all. :-) By the way, I'm a lady. ;-)
Can't we all just get along? :-D
Biffingston: Tell you what, if you admit you were being a dick and apologise I'm more than willing to stop talking and let it go.
zalloy: Maybe I was being a dick, but that was not my intention. I'm sorry. :-)
Biffingston: Ok, I sorta lied there.
I will reply but just to say "Apology accepted." before I move on.
| 16 | 248.4375 | |
1381524166 | 1381887842 | null | t5_2to41 | 83 | Panoply_of_Thrones: TIFU and trolled a camwhore
So I was on rockettube getting my groove on as my husband is away at work and I'm bored. So I'm watching this movie, starting to get a little into it, and I hear this blast of noise from a pop-up ad.
Oh hell no. A million different things are going through my head. It's a popup for VMAN or something like that, I don't know. Twinks or some shit. Anyway this model is there with this bright orange shirt. There are posters from nearly all 50 states making obscene comments. The model himself is nothing special to look at, and he's on loop. I mean, obviously. Look at him. He's doing the same thing over and over again.
So I figured, working chat box, I may as well alert the other pervs who wandered in there by accident. I type 'This is obviously on loop guys.' No response from anyone else. I figure, still on loop. I post again. "Are you serious? This is totally fake."
30 seconds pass. He squints at the screen and gets this horrified/confused look on his face. He types back 'WHAT.' 'What are you talking about?'
The look of dawning confusion on his face instantly sold me. It struck me that I was literally watching this man LIVE on screen from a distance. I felt pangs of guilt towards my husband, (I would consider this seriously close to cheating) and also mortification from basically calling this actual person fake.
I have never clicked an 'X' so fast. If you're reading this, young camwhore, please change your shirt, bright orange does nothing for you. And I apologize for calling you imaginary, you're frankly quite real.
milessycamore: > I felt pangs of guilt towards my husband, (I would consider this seriously close to cheating)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120663/?ref_=sr_1
I think you're in the clear...
If husband is aware that you look at porn in the first place, then I think he would find this amusing
Panoply_of_Thrones: I fessed up and he laughed at me. :(
milessycamore: Told you!
csg1650: Yea my wife has all kinds of shit recorded on the DVR which I barely found out about because I hardly watch tv
jayriley: Recorded s*** like what, if I can ask?
MissaRosa: You can cuss on the Internet. We won't tell your mom
Worus: That's what you think...
| 8 | 10.375 | |
1381525159 | 1381807807 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,064 | rocksandshit: TIFU by going rock climbing... with diarrhea
This happened to me yesterday, and it's by far the worst thing that has ever happened to my life and will probably ever happen. It was so real that I was shocked by how real it was.
So I've been recovering from food poisoning for the past couple of days and I'm an avid rock climber so I haven't really been able climb recently because of this...
Yesterday, I thought what the hell I'll try it out. I've been slowly getting my appetite back so I had breakfast and lunch so I thought I was all good. WRONG. I decided I should have a burrito with beans and extra hot sauce later that day, probably about an hour before rock climbing.
I'm feeling good, I'm feeling great. I can't wait to climb. I head into the place, scan my card, lock up my bike on the bike rack, put my clothes in the locker, put on my climbing shoes, put my gear on, get a random partner to climb with because I went by myself... and now I am ready to go.
My partner was a pretty cute chick as well. Very positive girl and very excited to climb. We rock paper scissored to see who wanted to climb first. I won.
I'm getting ready to go and I take my first step on the wall. ....But... something doesn't feel right. I'm about 7 feet off the ground at this point and instead of going to the bathroom just incase I need to poop, I stayed climbing. Now probably about 15 feet off the ground, make the 20, make that 30, 35, 40, now about 45 feet in the air I make it to the top.
As I rang the bell at the top I had a sudden urge to fart. I said fuck it, and I did.
I sharted. I can feel shit running down my leg. I'm 45 feet in the air shit in my shorts. I feel another strong feeling coming from my stomach and there's no way I can hold it. I shit my pants. I shit my fucking pants.
BUT WHY IS POOP RUNNING DOWN MY SHORTS... POOP SHOULD NOT EXIT MY SHORTS 45 FEET IN THE AIR.
This is the part where I could not believe what happened. I will never forget this. This actually happened.
The poop landed on her fucking face. I have never heard such a horrible scream in my entire life. I look down and she screaming like crazy, with poop on her face, and her holding me up by the rope. She doesn't know what to do because I'm in the air and she also has shit on her face.
She starts puking because of the smell, meanwhile this is happening theres like 60+ people in the building, people are laughing, taking videos, and freaking out because of the smell. She's fucking screaming at me and calling me names.
I kept yelling at her that I need to get down If I don't want shit to keep dripping from mid air. She finally let me down. And my god, up close and personal with this gorgeous blonde, but now with shit on her face and puke on the ground. She ran straight to the showers...
EVERYONE IS FUCKING STARING AT ME AT THIS POINT. I have no idea what to do.
My first reaction? Run the fuck out of there and never come back. And I did do just that.
Right when I left the place, I realized, fuck, my wallet, my keys, my bike, my phone, and all my shit is in my locker. I said fuck it I'll get it tomorrow. I walked home with shit in my pants and my roommate buzzed me in.
So in about 30 minutes I'm going back over there to get all my stuff. I have super long hair so I plan on shaving it before I go so I don't get recognized. This was the worst day of my entire life.
TL;DR: shit pants mid air, puke and shit everywhere
EDIT: I UPDATED IN THE COMMENTS SECTION ON MY VISIT BACK OVER TO THE ROCK CLIMBING PLACE. THE UNTHINKABLE HAPPENED.
EDIT #2: UPDATED THE DATE IN THE COMMENTS. I'M A NEW MAN.
rocksandshit: UPDATE: I JUST WENT BACK TO GRAB MY BELONGINGS... OH MY FUCK YOU ARE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS. THE FUCKING GIRL WAS THERE. I REPEAT, THE FUCKING GIRL WAS THERE. CODE RED!
I have never been so shocked in my life to see her face again. WHY THE HELL WAS SHE THERE THE NEXT DAY AFTER GETTING SHIT ON?
I talked to her and apologized like no other. I might have said sorry over 30 times you have no idea. I explained what happened and she understood. She was surprisingly nice about it. Although she said "it was the worst thing that ever happened to me, even worse than when my brother died" ..... But this part, I don't how this happened. After apologizing like a fuckin mad man, I said I needed to make it up to her. I offered to give her $100 because I just felt so terrible. She declined. I said I would never come back here again and I was going to cancel my membership. I SWEAR ON MY LIFE THIS HAPPENED, I asked her for her number and offered to take her out to the most expensive restaurant in the city. I have no fuckin idea why I asked her this. I just needed to make it up to her some how. She gave me possibly the most confused and worried look a human as ever given me in my life. Something like this: http://173.201.234.95/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/confusedman1.bmp
She asked me if I was mentally stable after I asked her that. And I swear she goes, "this might be the stupidest yes I've ever given someone, but yes. Yes I will go out to dinner with you."
I practically shouted "WHY?!?".
She said, "I don't know you just seem like an average dude, you are handsome, but we did have that incident yesterday. But I know it wasn't your fault. My therapist says I should say yes to more things, so this is what I'm doing."
I now have a date with the girl a I pooped on just yesterday. What is happening to my life
Riders-of-Brohan: If you dont give us an update after the date... Well I wont actually do much. Ill brood about it I guess. Maybe feel slightly put out. Dont make me feel put out!
rocksandshit: sunday night is the date!
leviticussaywho: This is amazing! Please update!
rocksandshit: should i make a new thread with the update so more people can see it? or just continue on from here?
battlesmurf: I'm so excited.
rocksandshit: updated!
battlesmurf: Best OP!
| 9 | 118.222222 | |
1381536819 | 1381553313 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | screwKFC: TIFU by accidentally using a pick-up line on a friend
I've got a test coming up and wanted somebody to study with, so I messaged one of the girls in my class(I'm a dude). Asked about time and place and asked what her middle initial was(her first and last are K and C). She said it was M and wanted to know why I was interested. I told her it was because I was thinking of making a KFC joke.
That was last night, she stopped replying, and I didn't realize until just now that there's a pick up line that goes 'You must work at KFC because those are great breasts and thighs'. Just sent an apology e-mail TIFU(not a big one, but this kind of stuff doesn't usually happen to me).
snatchamouse: Maybe her mom was a chicken
screwKFC: Lol, thanks for making me laugh. She just replied explaining that she hadn't taken it the wrong way, and had just had a cold and went to bed early. So I'm safe. Downvoting myself for over reacting.
josh_legs: yeah i was gonna say that's not much of a fuckup. ive heard that PUL before and totally forgot it.
you sound like me,with occasional overreactings
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1381535276 | 1381591862 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | WreckToll: TIFU because I learned that I never took the SATs...
So back in high-school, I was fairly certain I took the SAT test, and the test-score is a really important bit of information that a 4-year college I'm applying to wants.
Apparently, I only took the PSATs, which of course, counts for nothing. Applications for fall semester of 2014 for this college stop being accepted at the end of October, and the VERY next SAT test they are holding in anywhere nearby is on November 2nd.
Therefore, I am stuck at a junior college for an extra semester, and I won't be able to get into a 4 year for another year at the least. Huzzah.
mrgdbg: If you didn't know the difference between the PSAT and the SAT, you weren't ready for a major university, anyway. Don't feel bad. You'll save money this way.
WreckToll: It's not that I didn't know the difference, it's that my memory sucks sometimes, so current me thought, "Oh yeah, I took the SATs, I just have to go get my score from my high school."
Yeah, all in all, it was my own fault, but it puts a big damper in my life.
The money saving part is nice though
mrgdbg: Was the plan to go to a 4-year out of town? If it was close, you could still go hang out there and have that experience. Nobody would have to know the classes you were taking weren't there.
WreckToll: Actually, my community college is out of town, my university is in town. Weird setup, but the community college has a decent amount of busses that stop through town to pick people up.
Good thinking though, that never really crossed my mind.
mrgdbg: That is a weird setup, but it should work in your favor. Good luck in your college experience. I don't think people will care which school you're going to. You're in school. That's what matters.
| 6 | 3.5 | |
1381544771 | 1381723797 | null | t5_2to41 | 49 | dubstepTIFU: TIFU by blasting dubstep during a assembly given by a man who's son was bullied into committing suicide.
Fuck. I really don't no where to begin on this one. So I use my Iphone as sort of a makeshift alarm clock, so it play a song through my blue-tooth stereo in my room. The song I have it set to play is [Fire Hive by Knife Party](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xcLqVfKTtKw) because it is **impossible** to sleep through. I wake up, hit the *snooze*(not the stop button) button. I have to snooze setting set very late. Anyway, I eat, grab my phone, and head out to school. As soon as I walk into school, my buddy tells me we are having an assembly and I should go to the auditorium. We get there, and we have the assembly explained to us. Then the guy come up and proceeds to tell the most heartbreaking story I have ever heard in my entire life. Everybody in the room is either crying or teared up. He is continuing to talk when all of a sudden, out of my pocket, ITS A BURNING PROGRAM WAAAAW-WUBWUB-WEW-WAWWAWWAW-WUBWUBWUB! I spend a good second in shock, and another 4 fumbling with my phone. I don't have to go back to school till monday. I'm fucked, I'm so fucked. I feel like a horrible person. What do I do? I already apologized to the guy, I was half crying the whole time talking to him. Seriously, I think I should fake my death and move.
CapgrasX13: Wow, talk about overreacting. Nobody will even remember this happened in a week. Just live your life and don't even think about it.
tryingtoworkoutmylif: When I was six I started at a new school, and didn't realise that the bathrooms were being remodeled and were out of use for all of the guys except breaktimes. So in the middle of class I am busting and can't get in, and then I get caught out and think "Meh, I'll go in the trees." as a six year old does. I walk half way to the trees and when my brain tells me "You are literally going to piss yourself before you get to those trees." so I look around me for options and what do I see, a trash can. I run over, and try to discretely take a little pee so that I can go to the trees, but loe and behold break starts, and about twenty other kids rush out and see me.
I am seventeen, and I still get reminded about this at least once a month.
Morale of the story - People DO remember. The key is to not care and just carry on.
CapgrasX13: Yeah but that's waaaaay different than a ringtone going off during a speech. You're right though.
tryingtoworkoutmylif: Oh yeah I totally agree, morale of the story is the same though.
sharxattack: [Relevant.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G2y8Sx4B2Sk)
| 6 | 8.166667 | |
1381552582 | 1381634895 | null | t5_2to41 | 129 | tmama1: TIFU by cumming on my dog
There I was, in the moment, fapping away. Things got a little 'out of hand' and I shot into the air.
Sometime during my fap session, my dog had walked into the room and laid down beside me. Couldn't hear his snoring over the volume. As I turned to clean up, there he is, fast asleep still with cum on him.
Needless to say, I washed him off and towel dried the poor fella, followed by a series of treats to say "I'm so sorry"
Skiznit: Saving this so I can fap to it later.
FizzPig: woof
Skiznit: Go away dog. I'll get the jizz off of you later.
| 4 | 32.25 | |
1381552411 | 1381760370 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | [deleted]: TIFU by posting an insensitive Facebook status
To begin with, when I get upset or stressed I'm not a yelly/screamy and punch things type person. I deal with stress and anger by using humor and oftentimes my humor can be dark or sarcastic. I like to laugh while I cry, basically.
Anyway, today I was woken up by the school calling me to inform me that my 12 year old son had been taken by the police to a children's center for punching another boy in the face on the bus that morning. He's been in trouble for stuff like this before, and I'm at my wit's end to teach him to think his actions through and not be so impulsive. He's had many an hour long lecture on how violence is never the right response, this is not an acceptable way to cope with anger, etc.
He also lost his glasses today, which is another thing that drives me crazy since this is his 5th pair in two years and he's nearly blind without them. Insurance won't cover another pair until January so he now has to wait a couple weeks at least for zennioptical.com to send a pair.
I've been a little angry from the moment I woke up. It has not been a good day to be a mom.
So me, being stressed and angry, post a status on Facebook about how child abuse should still be acceptable, quoted "Spare the rod spoil the child", cracked about how oh now we can't because "child abuse slows brain development" and it's "illegal." I ended it by saying "Farts." It was clearly a joke, but a rather tacky one.
Well, after looking at my Facebook wall for a few minutes I realized it was completely full of posts about Vikings player Adrian Peterson's 2 year old son dying in a hospital mere blocks away from my house as a result of his mother's boyfriend's abuse. [Here's the article for anyone interested.](http://www.keloland.com/newsdetail.cfm/two-year-old-boy-hurt-in-alleged-assault-dies/?id=154466) It's some sick shit.
Making jokes about child abuse is never a good thing. Today just happened to be the worst day ever to post something that offensive. I deleted it when I realized, but I know whoever saw it must think I'm a real piece of shit.
illiadria: Order a couple of extra pairs of the cheap glasses for backup as well. Stash them for emergencies. Even he ends up not needing them for a couple of years, an outdated script is better than not being able to see at all! Source: Parent of accident prone teen.
aido727: > cheap glasses
Where exactly do these exist?
illiadria: http://www.zennioptical.com/
http://www.39dollarglasses.com/cheap-eyeglasses.html
| 4 | 8.5 | |
1381555271 | 1381591095 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: WHAT THE FUCK ARE THE ODDS
OKAY, SO ALL DAY I DON'T GO ON DIRTY SITES AND SHIT, BUT THE ONE TIME I DO, I GET DOUBLEFUCKED.
SO, IT'S LIKE WHAT, 1:06 AM AND MY DAD COMES UP AND ALL LIKE HEY, WHATS UP.
IM WEARING SOME FUCKING STUPID SHORTS THAT ARE FLOPPY AND THIN, SO THIN THAT IT CURLED UP TO ME AND LOOKS LIKE I HAVE NO PANTS ON. ALL YOU COULD SEE ARE MY THIGHS AND I'M ALL LIKE, OKAY. ONE MORE VIDEO THEN OFF TO BED. OH HEY, ONE OF MY FAVORITE YOUTUBERS IS ON, PENGINZ0 AND THE VIDEO IS ["POKING SIM GAME"](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XnO2v9VA0ic&feature=c4-overview&list=UUq6VFHwMzcMXbuKyG7SQYIg) AND THE MOTHERFUCKER IN THE TOP COMMENTS ALL LIKE "HEY YOU SHOULD CHECK OUT THIS GAME ON STEAM CALLED 'DRUNKEN ROBOT PORNOGRAPHY' AND SO I CHECK IT AND IT'S TRUE. THERE'S A GAME CALLED DRUNKEN ROBOT PORNOGRAPHY. SO I MINIMIZE STEAM AND CONTINUE WATCHING THE VIDEO AND LAUGHING.
MY DAD WALKS IN LIKE, OH SHIT LOOK AT YOU, PANTS OFF WATCHING SOME WEIRD FUCKIN ANIME CARTOON SHIT AND SITS DOWN WITH ME. IM LIKE, OH NO. IM JUST ON REDDIT, LOOKING AT /R/TECHNOLOGY AND LEARNING N SHIT. OK, I'LL JUST CLOSE THE BROWSER. RIGHT WHEN I DID THAT, OH WHOOPTY FUCKIN DO, 'DRUNKEN ROBOT PORNOGRAPHY IN BIG BOLD LETTERS ON THE SCREEN. IM LIKE OH FUUUUUUUUUCK, ARE YOU KIDDDDDING ME. THAT'S THE WORST FUCKING POSSIBLE TIMING. I HAVENT EVEN WENT TO A DIRTY THING IN THE LAST 24 HOURS AND NOW YOU COME IN MY ROOM, WHEN IM ACTUALLY LOOKING AT SOMETHING MILDLY BAD. GOD FUCKING SHIT ME, MAN. FUCK. MY TEETH HURT NOW, FOR SOME REASON, I THINK BECAUSE OF AN OLD CAVITY FILLING. ANYWAY, FUCK THIS DAY MAN. AUSKGDYSFAGDAWEQFUQGWIYODUGIASHDHGKDBHASGHKSDFJVHASF
edit: HEY, FUCK YOU CAPTCHA. WHY DONT YOU TRY THESE AGAIN, ASSHOLE
Pantherpelt: I would be more sympathetic, but your excessive use of capslock is incredibly irritating.
FUUUUCKAREYOUKIDDING: ^^^^sorry
| 3 | 1 | |
1381560073 | 1381622315 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | [deleted]: TIFU by never telling her how I feel
So, there's this girl that I've been crazy about since I was 16 years old, we've been super close for several years but I never told her how I felt. Now enter my closest guy friend who challenges my self-esteem everyday because how many numbers, date requests, etc. on a weekly basis. Well, tonight she and my closest guy friend sat me down and told me they were hooking up. TL'DR; Didn't tell her how I felt and now she's fucking my best friend next door
rainwulf: I can understand this one buddy.
Remember the 5 stages of grief? You can short circuit them by getting super fucked up after you hide your phone away from yourself.
Testing this tonight for a different set of reasons.
kegtosser: Really, make sure you hide your phone from yourself if you're drinking about your fuck up.
| 3 | 10.333333 | |
1381557786 | 1381790482 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | Semyonov: TIFU by using one of those green dish scrub pads to itch an unfortunate place while in the shower...
Story time.
I was in the shower and as most guys understand sometimes you get an itch on your balls/dick and you gotta scratch it, but a normal fingernail scratch doesn't cut it. For some reason. You understand.
Anyway, I have nothing to scratch with. But I need to. It's driving me crazy. But WAIT! I see one of [these](http://i00.i.aliimg.com/img/pb/937/249/221/1248244807902_hz_myalibaba_web17_1324.jpg) that we have in the shower, and I think, "hey, this would probably feel great!"
And damn it did. Got that itch alright.
And unfortunately acted like sandpaper to a very sensitive region.
It's gotten so bad that sexy times are a no-no for the time being :(
diamondeyes18: Um.... haven't you ever heard of pinch and roll?
tokewithnick: on your balls?!?!
diamondeyes18: Well, on the scrotum. You wouldn't be pinching your balls themselves
| 4 | 5 | |
1381570045 | 1381717423 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | fllwthewolves09: TIFU By leaving my doors unlocked
I work for a major pizza franchise as a delivery driver. It is common practice for us to leave our car doors unlocked so we can get into our cars while carrying multiple bags of our customer's Delicious goods when dispatched to a delivery. Usually there is nothing of value in our vehicles so there is nothing to worry about. Except tonight I was getting an unusually large amount of tips, and the money was falling out of my pockets, so I decided to put it somewhere "safe". Unfortunately the spot I picked was in my car and while I was in store preparing dough, a group of our customers decided they should break into my car and steal my earnings. I lost roughly $70 and my Iphone.
There is a silver lining however because the idiots who decided to do this, bought food from us moments before. Where I work we require a phone number, and name.
zalloy: Well, if you've got a name and number, call the police and file a report. Did you have that app that finds your iPhone if it gets lost or stolen?
Sorry that happened to you. I hope those jerks get arrested.
fllwthewolves09: I did. They are looking into it for me. We don't have any cameras (we do now thanks to these guys) so ATM not much the police can do, but IV been in touch with the stores around us and am working on getting their footage.
The phone was disconnected (IV just been using it for music) so I can't use find my iPhone, but my carrier has blacklisted the sn, and pawn shops have also been alerted to notify the police if it shows up.
njdevilsfan24: Its I've not IV, just helping you out buddy
fllwthewolves09: According to my phone it is.
njdevilsfan24: Well what phone do you have then?
fllwthewolves09: Windows
| 7 | 3.857143 | |
1381585084 | 1381653040 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,479 | wisdomteethsuck: TIFU by convincing my photography class I'm a serial killer.
So I'm in a photography class at school, and we were touring the dark room for the first time. Naturally, it was dark, so everyone was commenting on how creepy it was in there. When the safety light was on, the room had an amber glow to it, just enough to illuminate the equipment and large sink/ chemical storage in the middle of the cramped room. My teacher was telling us how to use the sink, as the water was prone to jutting out fast and violently and needed to be operated carefully. She warned us that this sink could get to be 120 degrees farenheight, which set my twisted mind rolling.
I'm a writer. Normally I don't dabble in horror/murder mystery, but this dark room got me thinking. It would be such a perfect set up for a horror movie.
The teacher took a third of the kids into the next room, which was too small to hold all of us.
In her absence, I decided to break the silence and tell the class what I'd been thinking about. In excruciating detail.
"Can't you just imagine someone coming up behind you and dunking your face into the scalding water? You would drown and burn your face at the same time. No one would hear you scream. No one could even see you in the dark."
Then I saw the looks on their faces and decided to shut up. Now they think I'm a psychopath.
Psychopath_Kitty: If it makes you feel better, you're definitely not the only one this has ever happened to. A lot of people know me as the happy-peppy girl... right up until they discover my morbid sense of humor. I've definitely made a few comments that have earned me the "My god, did she really just say that?" look.
C4SUAL: Also your username is psychopath_kitty
unnusual_art: Capitalize that shit before she murders you.
[deleted]: Too late. She's dead.
RIP C4SUAL
WinterCharm: C4SUAL was my friend! :'(
justokre: Avenge her!
WinterCharm: But... how!?
It's times like these I wish I were a necromancer :P
C4SUAL: I'm here don't worry
WinterCharm: :D
AwkwardCow: Dude....she's a fucking zombie!! Can't you take the hint since The Walking Dead is premiering tonight!!
| 11 | 134.454545 | |
1381608508 | 1381803082 | t3_1o8slg | t5_2to41 | 3 | JakRain: It's that whole generation, my sister is the same way. She complains about being broke but will go to Cuba and Mexico at least once a year if not more.
_mediajunkie: I not broke, I am 36 so I'm not sure what generation you are talking about. I have a good job in IT and do engineering consulting and adjunct teaching on the side. And I have rental properties that generate income. I make over CA$120k a year, am well invested, and I am on track to retire by aged 50 if all goes well, because I have no kids nor do I want kids. I am frugal and do not spend beyond my means. I didn't even think about getting a new car until earlier this year when i realized it was 10 years old. I just have minimal liquid assets due to a recent home down payment (my 3rd house btw). All my money is tied up elsewhere as well as giving my parents $1000 a month.
Belgara: How dare you be fiscally responsible? Don't you know you're supposed to look bad so people on reddit can make assumptions about you lighting piles of money on fire?
You've just deprived people of some serious self-righteous smugness, you heartless jerk.
| 3 | 1 | |
1381612112 | 1381716129 | null | t5_2to41 | 43 | friendinthezone: TIFU by accidentally insulting my friend.
So, I was in class the other day, about to leave for lunch. Most of the class had already streamed out, including the teacher, except for myself and two friends: Alex and Diana.
Now, Diana is kind of self conscious. She comes off super confident, but she's talked about feeling out of place sometimes. She thinks she's heavy set (she's gorgeous), and has mentioned noticing that she's one of the few black people in our main group of friends (just the way it worked out, I guess). Keep this in mind.
So, we're leaving class, and they're taking for-freaking-ever to get their shit so we can leave. I've had that "how now brown cow" rhyme stuck in my head all day - I've even been muttering it while doing homework. I get the great idea to bellow "COME NOW" to get Alex and Diana to hurry the hell up.
I turn around and the words come out. Alex was right behind me, so this was directed *right* at Diana, unintentionally. The rhyme was just *there*! It slipped out of my mouth before I could hold it back.
*"COME NOW BROWN COW."*
Imafuckingidiot.jpg
**What the shit.** I can't believe I just said that. Kill me now. Her face said it all...that had hurt. I just called my insecure friend, a girl I love with all of my heart and soul, a brown cow. I tried to explain, and she played it off. She acted like she totally understood and said it was no big deal. But I know. I know that I am a complete fuck up and a bitch the likes of which I didn't even know were within me.
I want to cringe into nonexistence just thinking about this. So, today, I ***definitely*** fucked up.
mypetbirdrules: Once it dries you could throw it out the window.
mypetbirdrules: Wrong thread
| 3 | 14.333333 | |
1381616429 | 1381810842 | null | t5_2to41 | 38 | Ressar: TIFU by trying to fix an issue with my friend's computer and accidentally making it unusable.
I spent the night at a friend's place last night following the Pokemon X/Y midnight release. He went to sleep and - as a result, woke up - long after I did and, being the helpful geek that I am (or would like to think I am), I decided that before he woke up I'd try and fix a longstanding display issue with his computer for him. There's always been a bit of overscan on the thing since he uses an HD display.
Well, I changed ONE thing in his graphics card options and now the display doesn't show up at all. I'm not sure what to do to fix it but at least he's not pissed at me because apparently this has happened before. In his position I'd definitely be pissed because I don't like people messing around on my computer, so I'm not sure why I decided to do this. <.< Lesson definitely learned though.
asdfgasdfg312: My friends does this all the time. Unplug the monitor and plug it in to the motherboard, then reset the graphic card setting and you can hook it back up again.
And on the part of not getting pissed, in my experience people care more about there computer privacy the more tech savvy they become. Someone who doesn't know what internet history is doesn't understand what he doesn't want you to find.
drphilcolonaccident: Have you heard of.... AMD FX^No intergrated graphics^ypur screwed^lol
Reads_Small_Text_Bot: > No ypur lol
TheDoc42: I dont like your kind... I know what you are hiding, I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED ON /r/TF2.
| 5 | 7.6 | |
1381625867 | 1381695539 | null | t5_2to41 | 143 | xXFall3nLegacy: TIFU by shitting my pants on an hour long bus tour.
So we are in Miami and doing a double-decker bus tour.
I feel a fart. There aren't many people on the buys.
I go for the fart. A gooey shit mixture came out.
I stop and try to keep my ass floating and keep the most serious poker-face of my life.
Ended up waiting for an hour and then subtely throw away my boxers stained with a gross shade of green. My parents haven't found out yet.
TL;DR: Shat my pants on a bus tour.
angrykoalawife: ...why would your parents find out? Do you plan on breaking this piece of news to them?
capncrooked: "Mom, dad... Please sit down. I have something pretty shitty to tell you."
7Snakes: "What can be so shitty that we have to sit down for you to tell us, son?"
"My day and my boxers."
FuneralShadow: "What do you mean son?"
"I shit myself on that bus tour and... I threw my boxers away."
| 5 | 28.6 | |
1381635323 | 1381706698 | null | t5_2to41 | 230 | TruckerTimmah: TIFU by painting my car doors shut.
Decided to repaint the doorjambs on my Mercedes.
Since they werent matching (blue) on a black car. (PO did a shitty rattlecan paint job... I will be repainting the car myself at a later time...door jamb mismatch drove me up the wall) I got it all sanded and primed, and went to get my paint sprayer. Taped everything up... I was ready to roll.
2 coats of paint later, I decided to take a break. Mom comes outside and closes my car doors. I napped for a few hours, decided to run to Walmart for a few things and grab some Southern Comfort.
Realized my doors were closed. Mom had closed them in fear of my battery dying. Went to pull the door open, it wouldn't budge. Oh shit.
Out comes the crowbar. Still can't get it open. Decided at the last minute to yank. Bad mistake. Dislocated my shoulder. Had mom pop it back in. Holy shit. I am still in pain.
Got the doors popped eventually with the use of a heat gun.
Well, that's all folks. Don't be a goof.
UPDATE 10/13/2013
My car is a 1978 Mercedes Benz 240D - paid $600.00 cash for it since the engine and trans was in perfect shape. I am in the middle of restoring the car.
As far as living with my mom - I bought the place for her to get her out of the ghetto when I was out on the road.
When I got home after being terminated from my job I ended up staying with her since I had no other place to go.
I own the mobile home, she pays the lot rent, I do maintenance and repairs on the place, and pay for cable/internet etc.
Works for me - with my current job I make about 350 a week so I'm not exactly well to do.
thataryanitalianguy: Did you hit mom with the crowbar?
PixelOrange: Well obviously she was a head crab
^^^Half ^^^Life ^^^3 ^^^Conf^i^r^m^e^d
Reads_Small_Text_Bot: > Half Life 3 Conf i r m e d
PixelOrange: HOLY SHIT A BOT CONFIRMED HALF LIFE 3!
ExxL: IT'S BECOMING SELF AWARE
PixelOrange: WHO CARES! HL3!
AWildPlotTwistApperd: DM;HL3CONF.
PixelOrange: What? You had sex with Gabe?
AWildPlotTwistApperd: (*Shhhh*)
| 10 | 23 | |
1381639633 | 1381683743 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,335 | AmericanGeezus: TIFU by destroying my business with a single misclick.
I am a full-service marketing 'consultant' for small businesses. I do everything from determining what sorts of advertising my clients need to the pixel services to make those advertisements. Today I discovered that I only halfassed my file backup system. My main drive failed today, not sure why its failed its not a concern right now. When I plopped in a new drive to re-install windows with I selected my backup drive instead, I don't know how I managed to not realize what drive I was selecting but I fucked up. All project files for the last 4 years ontop of all raw camera files since 2007 are gone. No way I can rebuilt all of the project files for my current clients before print deadlines. At least I keep all the financial stuff kept in google docs. =\
Update 8 hours later: WELL Zoids New Century Zero IS INTACT! Also, 95% of my photos are recovered. Fun fact .ai and .pdf are pretty much interchangeable in some cases but still cant seem to recover the bulk of my design files. Time to take another aderall and start to organize what was recovered i guess. Thanks for all the advice chaps.
negro-unchained: take it to a data recovery service, or even use a data recovery program.
AmericanGeezus: Looking into this currently.
KnightHawk3: Dont do it yourself, just get a professional to do it for you (Because otherwise you risk never getting it back, and this data seems worth the cost to you)
AmericanGeezus: I don't have enough cash on hand to pay for professional services. =\
[deleted]: Then you aren't getting the data back, no software program that you can use is going to recover it for you. In the future, you should be using a RAID setup, and pay for offsite backup services.
tadc: What do you think the "professional" does? Hooks it up to his computer and runs a "software program" on it.
It's not like he's going to take it to the FBI for forensic analysis...
hoppybunny: Professionals use professional forensic software. I used it once to get back my 100GB truecrypt container of all my data. I could only do it because I could compare the Hexcode to the Hexcode of a six month old backup. A professional could get the data back without that. When you pay for these services you're not paying for the software, you're paying for their incredibly specific skills in using that software.
That said, I once successfully got back 90% of the data I erased from a drive by putting an image on and realising five minutes into the 90 minute process that I hadn't backed up. I used GetDataBack and it recovered the data but none of the files had their original names, so the owner of the files had to go through each one to find out what it was. Which would definitely be worth it in OP's case.
tadc: >Professionals use professional forensic software.
So you're saying there are super-duper software packages available only to "professionals"
>I used it once
Oh, so if you can do it... what's stopping this guy? If he's sharp enough to do a bitwise image I bet he has all the skills necessary.
There's really not that much to recovering data from a working drive (which is all "software" can do). The FAT is gone (which is why the filenames are gone), so you have to read all the sectors on the disk and reassemble the files that haven't yet been overwritten. If any of the sectors have been overwritten, those files are G O N E.
Where a professional would be potentially useful is recovering data from his *original* disk, which probably suffered an electronics failure but the actual bits are likely still safe and sound on the platter. But software won't help with that.
DerpyTheGrey: > If any of the sectors have been overwritten, those files are G O N E.
Huh, I wonder why government organisations overwrite drives multiple times in order to make the data unrecoverable. Is it possibly because there is still a slight ghost of the previous magnetic state? Perhaps a highly trained professional of the sort who can repair a drive in which there are fingerprints on the platter and the RW heads are ruined. The reason to go to a professional is not the access to tools, it is the ability to use them.
chenslow: Actually I don't of anyone who can recover data that's been overwritten just once. Theoretically it's possible according to some tests but I don't think it's actually ever possible on any real scale
DerpyTheGrey: Huh, yeah after looking into it more it looks like one would need to get ahold of some really harcore equipment and invent some new methods of doing things. That being said, there is still the original failed drive, most of the ways drives fail are fairly recoverable. Pretty sure the most common way for them to fail is to have the controller bard die, in which case a new one can be swapped in. Even if the motor has died, I have heard of pros doing really sketchy things involving drilling the spindle out and tapping it to recieve a new drive.
| 12 | 111.25 | |
1381647634 | 1381719551 | null | t5_2to41 | 98 | regretfulpantser: TIFU by pantsing my friend
I spent the night at my friend's house last night, playing video games and watching movies. It was great. The next morning, he got a delivery and I decided to pants him in front of the mail carrier. Stupid, I know, but I thought it was funny. Not for long though...
A bit later today, I passed through the house's living area, where his parents were watching some shitty sitcom. I was making small talk with them when my friend snuck up behind me and pantsed me back. There was only one problem... I wasn't wearing underwear. Yep. Dick and balls, on full display less than two feet from his mom's face.
His little sister screamed. She had no idea what she was looking at. Now her parents have to give her a special talk, and I'm always going to be awkward around that family because of my stupid prank.
CorruptedPlague: Why don't you wear underwear when you are at your friend's house?
ga129: This is the important answer we need!
trekstar: OP must deliver.
| 4 | 24.5 | |
1381661684 | 1381729898 | null | t5_2to41 | 64 | ScroogeMcDuckII: TIFU because i'm too clever for my own good
**Background**
I have been having some diarrhea related problems. Let's leave it at that.
I do morning announcements with some friends, I get to miss like 10 minutes of class and crack some jokes on the PA system, win/win right?
...not today
So today started as most days do, I won't bore you with the details. My asshole was flaring like an ancient oriental dragon coming back to life to take it's vengeance on the universe, my intestines felt like the engine of a Supercharged '68 Camaro being revved by a polo shirt wearing douchebag. Suffice to say, not a good start to my day. I felt like a demon was trying to escape from deep inside my asshole, but I was doing everything in my power to hold it in.
So I got to the office where we do the announcements, and the national anthem is playing and i start cracking some jokes...whatever whatever. Anthem finishes but I don't notice because i'm laughing like an idiot, I compose myself, but try to sneak in one more joke, but don't realize that my compadré has pressed the button that turns on the mic which you really don't have to stand close to for it to hear you, and today it heard me loud and clear. The whole school heard me loud and clear:
*moaning noise* "I could really use a butt-plug right about now..."
the feeling I felt in my gut as I heard my voice echo throughout the halls of the school, I will never forget. And neither will the principal, I won't be "broadcasting" anymore so no worries.
TCrew2: This sounds like it was written by Jeremy Clarkson.
Bad luck pal
magladek: Not sure I agree, but it was kinda funny going back to reread the post in Clarkson's voice.
| 3 | 21.333333 | |
1381679562 | 1381721707 | null | t5_2to41 | 266 | AaronSarm: TIFU by agreeing to a blowjob while my gf went to pee.
Yesterday we went to a swingers party at a friend's house. The whole afternoon was filled with naked swimming and soaking in the hot tub. Lots of drinking as well. So, as it got darker and we got drunker, things turned more sexual. My gf and I were sitting in the hot tub with three other couples, one of whom were our good friends (John and Jane) that we've never "played" with, but have hung out with at several parties. Jane and I dance together at parties and I've played with her boobs and we've kissed some, but that's it. My girl friend got up to go pee and John and Jane were making out across from me. Jane's leg was sort of laying across mine, so I was stroking it while she and John were messing around. She gave John and blowjob and then turned to me. Needless to say, my girlfriend walked up on us and flipped out. Now we can never hang out with John and Jane again, which is sad, because I really enjoyed them. My girlfriend blames her for everything, even though I explained that Jane asked me if my girl friend would be okay with it, and my alcohol-dulled, sexually aroused man logic figured it wasn't that big of a deal.
EDIT: Okay so I'm just going to answer some of the questions here instead of replying to each comment. I'm also going to give my gf a name: Jill. We've been together for four years and have been swinging during that whole time just about. It was a new experience for both of us. We are unofficially engaged (i.e. no ring). We have done everything there is to do as swingers, fully swapping in different rooms on numerous occasions, though we both agree it is more fun to do it together in the same room. Our one stated rule, up until now, was that we always swing together, which means that we don't go to parties single and we don't sneak off while at the party with other people. In my mind, because it was in front of John and in the tub in the common area, it would be okay. Also there was a similar but reversed incident at another party that made me feel like it was okay to continue without her. At another party there was a whole group of us that made plans for one of the bedrooms, but I had to go pee. By the time I got to the bedroom everyone was in full swing including her, and I just joined right in. It was no big deal.
As someone mentioned, sometimes one member of a swinging couple will not like certain people and set them off limits for their SO, and that's fine. Jill said that she felt betrayed by Jane because John and Jane had always presented themselves as mainly/only looking for bisexual women for Jane to play with. Jill is straight, so that's why we had never done anything with them other than flirt and dance. In dancing and playing around with Jane, I had concluded that Jane also wanted men (she certainly acted like she wanted me), but that John may have been reticent about full swap. I had shared those thoughts with Jill before because of the way Jane had acted towards me. I guess Jill did not believe me.
The real ball gnawer here is that after everything went down last night, Jill told me she had planned to make out with Jane in the hot tub that night and possibly some of the other women until I fucked it up. I would totally give the incomplete blow job back for that.
JustRuss79: For those asking about "why go if not to swing":
Rule #1 about swinging is to set boundaries you are both comfortable with and NEVER cross them
Well...Rule #1 is actually No means No
Rule #2 is "if the door is closed, don't knock, if it is open they are okay with being watched, but knock, never assume its okay to join.
Rule #3 is always offer to wear condoms, and if you are smart, always wear them anyway
But those are the rules of the club, the rules of the couple are set boundaries and NEVER cross them
and usually... #2 You drag a woman kicking and screaming into a swingers club, and have to drag her kicking and screaming out of it
AaronSarm: lol I like #2. Just to clarify, we both entered the lifestyle willingly. I have never pushed it, and have always let her set the pace as far as what we were willing to do. I also tried to make sure where the boundaries were for house parties, with which we have little experience, and she really didn't give any except for not sneaking off somewhere.
JustRuss79: I wasn't accusing, just letting people know who were asking "what else would you do at a swinger party?"
I had it happen to me with my first wife, and it is most likely she assumed nothing would be done unless you were both in the room or she gave explicit consent. There is a feeling of betrayal there because now she thinks she can't leave you alone for 2 seconds without you "cheating" on her.
It isn't necessarily rational, and you can get through it, but if you value the relationship it may be best to completely pull back at this point. My wife is an ex for a reason, I could never forgive her tiny mistake and any time she wanted to do something more I felt like I was being cheated on, unless I was there and otherwise occupied or I wanted the threesome too.
Rule #1 is a biggy, and once its been broken, even if the rule wasn't stated, the trust starts to fall apart. I hope you can fix it since it was just a bj, but she now feels threatened by these other women, wondering if she isn't good enough for you anymore etc. You could try letting her have free reign some time at a party, but that could open all sorts of other issues (see rule #2 for couples).
boundfor_: What did she do that hurt your trust? I'm in a similar situation.
JustRuss79: I said small...but it really wasn't, not to me, and not even now 10 years later.
We had just gotten into the lifestyle, been to the club one time and we hooked up with two guys and a girl (making it 3guys 2 girls). It was fun, but she got two new dicks and I only got one new pussy. Not that it bothered me at the time.
But I had orders out of town (military) for a week, and came back to her telling me a story about meeting a guy online and going out to fuck him like it was nothing. I was devastated. She assumed that since we were swingers now, she was greenlighted. I felt cheated on.
That mistake never left me, and tinged our relationship from there out. She ended up being a nympho (taking pills and everything) I later found out. She is now married to one of my old best friends, but she's totally obsessed with sex. She cheated on me while I was deployed overseas, fell in love with the guy, and when I made her choose, she chose him. My best friend (deployed with me at the time) never really forgave her for that either, and still has his own jealousy issues with her, but he's better at it than I was, mostly because she didn't cheat on him.
I had the guy over to play pool and drink beer, and we actually hit it off. He didn't know I wasn't okay with it, and I didn't blame him, I blamed her. Me and that guy are still good friends to this day, but he didn't touch her again after she chose him over me and I left. The best friend moved in after that (he'd been swinging with us and been our room mate, so it was an easy transition to them being lovers) and they have been pretty happily married for 6 years and have 3 kids. I'm happy for them.
Funny thing is, if she had chosen me instead of the other guy I think I would have gotten over it, and even learned to like it. With my second wife, I learned how to turn my jealousy into a turn on and we did things together I never would have let my first wife do. Because I trusted her and we talked about everything before it happened, lots of "what ifs".
Of course, that relationship fell through as well. She was younger than me, and after the second child she went a bit crazy, accused me of sleeping with my brothers girlfriend and left me and our 2 kids (3 and 1 at the time). I don't miss her, but I do miss the mindblowing sex and wish we could have had more fun together with other couples / guys before it all went to shit.
Yes, I'm positive my children are my own. Well...my oldest might not be, but that isn't from the swinging, its from the boyfriend she had when I met her. I don't care though if my oldest is mine, she is my baby girl and my princess, and I'm her goddamned daddy! :)
| 6 | 44.333333 | |
1381693426 | 1381708558 | null | t5_2to41 | 230 | Maxeddle: TIFU by shitting myself because a chair went up my ass.
So this happened to me about five years ago while I was at sleep away camp. So, at the time that this happened my whole bunk had this awful diarrhea bug going around and everyone was shitting, all the time. So, I was sitting on my bed which was the top bed on a bunk bed. I suddenly had this awful feeling in my stomach, and I knew I had shit, and I knew it was gonna be bad. So I was just thinking about my stomach ache and I did not look to see what was under me. Under me was one of those camp chairs that folds up, and it can still stand up straight while folded. So then without looking I turn around and jump off my bunk bed will having my back face the chair. I jump down and I feel something poke me about 3 inches up into my ass. It hurt like a bitch, so the second I feel it poke me, I jump up and I run around the bunk griping my ass tightly. Then when I finally stop running one of my counselors say, "dude, I think you farted", I responded by saying "It wasn't a fart..." and he knew exactly what I meant. I had to clean myself up for about 20 mins. then to make matters worse I had to have this really hot female nurse look at my asshole for about three minutes to make sure I didn't have any major cuts inside of it.
DorkKnight52: And 0 days since someone on this sub has shit themselves.
[deleted]: With added accidental sodomy by chair
healars: That's always the worst kind of drunk accident. For real.
| 4 | 57.5 | |
1381693706 | 1381709530 | null | t5_2to41 | 51 | rya11111: [Announcement!] New Moderators Search!
NefastVoltaire: Hello, my sexy friends. I am NefastVoltaire. Yes.
I am here to humiliate myself before you all as you refuse my mod volunteer. :D
Why do you want to moderate this sub ? I would like to moderate because I spend a lot of my time on this sub. I am also helpful and I suspect I have a disease that forces me to help people in need.
Do you have any previous experience ? I mod a few subreddits of my own but true to my nature none of them have been overly successful. In experience moderating forums, I have been told I am quite good.
Have you fucked up big anytime irl ? how ? (<- this might be important for choosing you :D) Yes... yes I have. Very very much. Luckily I've never shat myself though. The people in this subreddit could take lessons from me.
What timezone are you in ? and when are you available ? I am in PST... But I have varying hours. Usually when I get home from work at 4 to when I go to bed at 8-10. Longer on weekends, from 8 AM to 12 AM.
How long are you on reddit everyday ? and how much time do you spend on /r/tifu ? I spend a lot of time on Reddit but in a spasmodic pattern. I'll come on, check all the posts that appeal to me, leave and then come back shortly after. I spend a lot of time on TIFU-usually clicking whatever blue links have popped up since last time.
How do you want this world to end ? I want everyone to drown in vodka.
Vmoney1337: As a russian, i cant agree more about that last one.
NefastVoltaire: :D Comrade.
| 4 | 12.75 | |
1381687315 | 1381768822 | null | t5_2to41 | 82 | bjthecool2: TIFU by missing deadlines and a one-in-a-lifetime event
So two of my favourite bands, Of Mice & Men and Bring Me The Horizon (if you know who they are, love me or hate me) were coming to play a show and I was pumped as fuck. We got there as the doors were opening because I had to wait for my friends, so I was waiting in a 300m long line and missed the opener Crossfaith (crazy japanese dudes) who I also really wanted to see. Already bummed about this, I got inside finally and had a good time. Prior to the event, there was a twitter competition to meet the band which I entered hours before hand. Turns out...I won. Meet and greet with all the guys, backstage pass for the night and I could bring a friend free of charge. Unfortunately I didn't check my emails in the hours before the show and missed out. So I'm now sitting here at 2AM, missing 2 assignment deadlines due 2 hours ago because I can't be fucked moving. GG life.
Proof: http://i.imgur.com/l4Mfmij.png
TL;DR: "Sorry dude - you haven't replied in the specified time period, we have to offer it to someone else. Thanks for the support!"
loj05: I'd edit out your name of the proof. Personal info and all that.
PassivePandas: Too late, already have everything I need.
| 3 | 27.333333 | |
1381707909 | 1381759608 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | [deleted]: TIFU by making my husband some homemade salsa
So there I am, chopping up some peppers, when I think to myself "man, I'm gonna really need to scrub my hands after this before I touch anything". A few minutes later my eye itches. BUT I've only been touching the peppers with my left hand and the knife with my right so I should be fine. NOPE. Ensue burning, crying and screaming. Oh, and the peppers. They where ghost peppers. I'm an idiot.
The salsa was delicious though!
DVentresca: Damn OP, you dun goofed.
Soccadude123: DUN GOOFED!
| 3 | 9 | |
1381714262 | 1381735825 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,335 | obviousthrowawayffs: TIFU by shitting on my son's bed and blaming the dog.
So my son is 21 years old, and let's just say he's a bit lazy. He has never held a paying job. His mother and I have paid for his food, clothes, car, and most importantly SCHOOL even after he turned 18. He has never taken an ounce of responsibility for his own well-being, and wastes most of his time drinking and playing in his shitty cover band. Well, last night he informed me that he was going to be dropping out of school. Several weeks too late to be refunded for any of the semester. Needless to say, my wife and I were furious. Throughout all of the things I've put up with from my son, his willingness to obtain an education has always been the saving grace that has kept me from throwing him out on his ass. But I held composure, and he remains in our care. So today, my son decided that he was going to hang out with some of his friends and celebrate his newfound freedom from what responsibility he had. Now, our dog is a Great Dane, and is rather fond of his room. While she has certainly given us less trouble than our useless son, she does from time to time have accidents in the house. I had off from work today, and so while my son was out and my wife was at work I took it upon myself to take a shit in his (unmade) bed. I also made a point to piss on a pile of his clothes, just for good measure. After the deed was done, I relaxed and watched TV while I waited for my son to come home. By the time he found his way back to the house, my wife was already home. When he walked into his room, the results were at first predictable. A slew of expletives alerted me that he had found the surprises I left for him. It was very hard not to laugh, but I managed to keep control of myself. When I got to his room, my wife was already there, with a concerned look on her face. It was then that I noticed the feces I had left on my son's bed was thoroughly streaked with blood. In addition, a modest amount of blood stained the sheets around it. Not being a man who looks at my own shit, I had failed to see that I had been laying blood covered brown eggs on my son's bed. So now the dog has a vet appointment, and my wife is very worried. She absolutely loves that dog. And of course I'm aware that I need to see a doctor, but I'm not entirely sure how to go about it seeing as how my wife and I keep close track of each other's comings and goings. Not only that, but the insurance is through her work, and she handles all of the paperwork for it. I've already looked for urgent care clinics in our area. There are none. Shit.
slimzimm: Does nobody care that you literally took a shit on your son's bed? I mean, that's really taking it up a notch. If your son poo'd on your bed simply because you didn't feel like going to work anymore, wouldn't you be absolutely pissed?
Edit: Thanks for the gold!
TheDemonClown: >If your son poo'd on your bed simply because you didn't feel like going to work anymore, wouldn't you be absolutely pissed?
That is so not the same as OP's situation, it ain't even funny. If OP decided not to work anymore, then his *adult son* has only 2 real options:
- Get up off his shiftless ass & start taking care of himself.
- Continue to mooch and simply be content with ramen & stuff from Goodwill, thanks to the family's reduced budget.
Why? Because he's contributing to the household to the sum of fucking zero, so he doesn't get a vote.
While I will admit that OP's actions were extreme, none of that stuff really belongs to his son anyway. The room, the clothes, the bed - OP paid for all of it & even financed his wannabe-rock-star progeny's stupid dreams & partying for the sake of the kid getting a 4-year degree and having a chance of getting a decent job someday. But now, the kid is throwing all that generosity, hard work, & thousands of dollars in OP's face like, "Nah, brah - I'm gonna keep partying & my Nirvana cover band's gonna make it someday, so fuck school!" That's bullshit.
slimzimm: Okay, I cannot fight that the actions of the son SEEM shitty. The actions of the father are CLEARLY shitty. I assure you that you can't ever come up with a good enough argument as to why a grown adult father should ever willingly shit in his son's personal sleeping area. The son may be shitty, but there will never be a good enough reason to support shitting in your kids bed. You do not know if there is more to this story. Maybe his shitty dad asked him to stay at home and the kid won the lottery and now just wants to play in his band. You don't know any of this story aside from a grown adult admitted and is now "bragging" on reddit about how he shit in his son's bed. I hope his son gets online and sees this post.
TheDemonClown: >The actions of the father are CLEARLY shitty.
Well, yeah - we have the bed as a witness on that count.
>I assure you that you can't ever come up with a good enough argument as to why a grown adult father should ever willingly shit in his son's personal sleeping area.
Crazy guy holds the family hostage, but his weird fetish leads him to say, "I'll let you go if Daddy here shits on Sonny-boy's bed!".
>You do not know if there is more to this story. Maybe his shitty dad asked him to stay at home and the kid won the lottery and now just wants to play in his band.
What? That makes no goddamn sense whatsoever; are you high? If the kid won the lottery, then his dad wouldn't be bitching about school because, clearly, the kid would no longer need a good degree if he's sitting on millions of dollars for the rest of his life.
>You don't know any of this story aside from a grown adult admitted and is now "bragging" on reddit about how he shit in his son's bed. I hope his son gets online and sees this post.
He doesn't sound like he's "bragging" at all. He's not exactly proud of what he did - he's just getting it off his chest. I hope his son sees the post, too, because the son sounds like a little bitch who wouldn't really do a damn thing about it because he knows he'd get kicked off the gravy train if he responded in kind.
slimzimm: Look, I'm not gonna run through every possible backstory. The kid may be shitty, but you don't have to shit in his bed.
>A slew of expletives alerted me that he had found the surprises I left for him. It was very hard not to laugh, but I managed to keep control of myself.
I think that sounds like he's not remorseful. It was funny to him.
TheDemonClown: Fair enough. Fuck it, then - he should cop to it. Not like the kid's gonna do anything about it.
slimzimm: Respectfully, you can't possibly know that.
TheDemonClown: I can guess, having known a lot of ungrateful layabouts living with their parents well into their 20s. If OP laid it all out and said, "It wasn't the dog. It was me. Because you're a shitty son and deserve shit in return for what you've done to your mother and I. Either go back to school & grow up or get the fuck out of my house," I would bet good money on the son not retaliating in any way. If anything, he'd probably take it as a wake-up call and finally get his shit together.
slimzimm: Like all respectable people do.
TheDemonClown: Are you saying that the son would become respectable, or sarcastically calling OP respectable? OP doesn't have to be respectful because it sounds like his son has done nothing worthy of respect.
slimzimm: WHAAAAAAT?! Fathers should be able to shit on their kids beds until they learn to give respect? Are you okay dude?
I was saying the former. All respectable kids who get told by their father to get their act together do that.
TheDemonClown: *facepalm* I didn't say that everyone *should* go to OP's extreme. Quit getting it twisted - I simply said that OP's son, until he does something to deserve respect, shouldn't get any. You demonstrate disrespect without going that far. A more effective way would be to simply cut off any & all finances.
While respectable kids have been told to get their shit together, simply telling a kid that with some bass in your voice doesn't guarantee that it'll happen. Shitting in a bed isn't the lengths one should immediately go to, but there do have to be some consequences for the asshole kid's actions.
slimzimm: Everyone gets a baseline level of respect. You can't start out being disrespectful to strangers.
I don't even know what you're arguing anymore.
TheDemonClown: No, everyone doesn't. Would you give a child rapist the same respect you give a stranger on the street? Probably not.
My argument hasn't changed, I've just made a mistake by arguing points piecemeal. What OP did was pretty fucked up & extreme, but I'm not gonna hate the guy for it. Even if he wants to laugh about it. Pretty sure I said this somewhere, but it sounds like he's one of those suburban repressed types who, rather than deal with things before they become a problem in the first place, bottles it up until they snap and do something like this. I'd like those people to change their ways, if only for the sake of efficiency, but I don't hate them unless they seriously hurt/kill someone.
His kid sounds like a fucking douchebag anyway. I mean, his parents are paying his way through college and also probably bought the instrument that he plays shitty cover songs on, maybe even the alcohol he drinks with his fellow burnout friends. They're not even demanding he get a part-time job so long as he just stays in school *and he can't even be that responsible*. Like I said, I've met people like that, and I don't think they deserve even baseline respect, because I don't respect people who mooch off of others constantly and can't even make a little bit of effort to contribute to the household, they'd just prefer to be a full-time burden. Chances are, this'll be the only time OP does anything to him, so if he gets to coast through life on an all-expenses-paid bacchanal until his parents die & he collects an inheritance that'll probably give him 5-10 more years of that lifestyle and all he has to do is put up with one incidence of "dog shit" on his things, he's getting off light.
| 15 | 89 | |
1381725008 | 1381757619 | null | t5_2to41 | 92 | kamranhalo: TIFU by ruining my date with a cute blond girl
So I took this really cute blond girl out to a movie .We went to see Capitan Phillips . I paid for both our tickets. Keep in mind I know this girl is into this other guy. We sat in the movie and thru out the movie I tried to hold her hand but she didn't move. About half way into the movie I start feeling strange. My face gets hot and I get a headache. I'm just praying the movie ends soon so we can leave before I get any worse. Movie ends and I got to the bathroom to splash water on my face and we then start walking to the car. Me now lightheaded and dizzy. We get in the car and I start driving. She says we should pull into the dark part of the parking lot to makeout. I park and tell her I'll be right back. Not even making 5 steps out of the car I proceed to throw up all over the parking lot . I run behind a tree so she won't see me throw up. After I finish I remember I have shop towels in the dash. But I can't get to them due to the box of 36 condoms behind it. After I finish throwing up I wipe off my face with some pine straw. I walk back to the car and sit down. She is now violently texting someone and not talking to me. I mumble out "I think we should go home now". Glancing in the rear view mirror I see bits of pine straw as well as buts of puke. She doesn't talk the whole ride to her house and gets out without saying by. No responses to my texts . I think its safe to say reddit Today I fucked up
[deleted]: If it's any consolation, anybody who just sits there texting and doesn't show an ounce of concern for somebody who's just been violently sick probably isn't worth dealing with in the first place.
nudebuddah: Agreed. She sounds like a... well, honestly, she sounds like a bitch.
picnicnapkin: Yeah she sounds like a total bitch. Guy throws up and she doesn't even ask if he's OK? OP dodged a fucking bullet.
| 4 | 23 | |
1381731269 | 1381776715 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by shagging after the cook came home
Guy here, I was feeling a really strong drive to shag today morning. But the cook was supposed to be coming in the next few mins and I didn't want to get interrupted in between so I just waited for him.
He reaches quite late.. wth. Anyway, so I tell him what cooking he needs to do and go back to my room. So he carries on with his work and I do my thing. Get interrupted just before the climax (#@$#) when he calls me to ask some question about the food.
I talk to him and notice he's staring awkwardly at my pants. So I finish talking to him and sit down on my comp since breakfast is ready. And it's only now that I realize there's a ducking stain on my pant. And what's more I hadn't even climaxed! Shit that was soo awkward!
(He's right here cooking still..).
an_ill_mallard: Do you think shagging means masturbating?
nowonmai: And that ducking means fucking, apparently.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1381749635 | 1381817916 | null | t5_2to41 | 36 | FlyingMonkey420: TIFU by having sex with a good friend (xPost /r/relationship_advice)
I'm not really sure how to start this so I'm just going to dive right in... So the other night I was fishing for a response out of my booty call on facebook and posted the typical "Who is awake" post and to my surprise my friend who I have asked out MANY times to the point of not trying anymore was awake and "liked" my post. Long story short I ended up going over there and we had sex. Next morning she thanked me and told me that it had been a long time since she had had sex to which I ask the STUPID question that I think might have been the worst thing that I could have said "This isn't going to make things awkward between us, is it?" and got the response "no" nothing more nothing less. We both get up and get dressed had a few cigs hung out for a few hours until she had to leave for work. I had REALLY bad morning breath so when she dropped me off I didn't even try to kiss her. That whole day I was walking on cloud nine and wanted to "build value" so didn't call/text (another stupid move I know). The day after I was talking to a close female friend who gave me the advice to text her the truth and tell her that I could not stop thinking about her to which I did and the response I got back was not the one I was looking for; She told me that she "doesn't want things to go further than they did" and that "she might be trying to date a guy that she has known for a long time" now I'm rather let down and put back on the friend-zone shelf. I don't know what else to do other than to spill my guts on here and hope for advice on how I might make my way back out of the friend-zone and actually start dating her. Please help me reddit
tr;dl I had sex with a girl I have been trying to date for years and now think that I no chance of dating her
msingerman: Stop working in terms of a PUA if you want to have a real relationship.
FlyingMonkey420: A PUA who works on one girl for years, I guess I don't see the connection...
NobodySpecific: Working on one girl for years but you are putting booty call requests on facebook? "I want you, but I'll take anybody else as a backup". You were trawling for sex and you got what you wanted. If you wanted something else you should have been going after something else.
FlyingMonkey420: Did you even read it??? I posted "Who's awake" NOT "who want's to fuck" I was looking for a response from my booty call who was on line at the time...
[deleted]: OH I get it. Booty call is referring to another person. Yeah, your choice of wording wasnt great in your post
| 6 | 6 | |
1381757029 | 1381787182 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | Raiden_Gekkou: TIFU by having sex at my babysitters house.
Back in the second grade, instead of paying a lot of money for me to go to a professional sitter service, my parents found a woman nearby who would watch me for a lot less. There were some other kids there, but since I went there from evening until after dark, it was mostly just me, the sitter's daughter Amiri, and her little brother. After bedtime, I would sleep on an inflatable mattress on the floor until my mom came to get me.
One night, the Amiri asked me if I wanted to know a secret, and me, being the age that I was, couldn't resist. She told me that sometimes she can see her parents doing stuff naked in their bedroom because they usually wouldn't close their door all the way, and that she wanted to try it with me because it sounded like they were having fun. I had no idea what sex was at this age, but as a kid I thought that if grownups were having fun doing naked stuff, maybe I would too. So I agreed, and she told me to take my clothes off. I was a little unsure about it, but she undressed first and told me it would be fun. We couldn't turn the lights on because her mom would know that we were up when we were supposed to be sleeping, so after we were both naked, lots of awkward fondling went on because we didn't get night vision goggles for Christmas.
After a bit of this, Amiri laid on her back and told me to put my thingy in hers. It was still dark, I had no idea how a vagina looked or functioned, and I had never played with my dong before, so it really didn't work out. Just a lot of me trying to stick my wiener somewhere and not having much fun, although being naked in someone else's house was a plus. Seeing as how this was going nowhere, she got into the doggystyle position and told me that her parents did it like this too, so maybe it would work. And work it did. I didn't know what this feeling was back then, but we liked it. I remember how sometimes her little brother would wake up and ask if he could do it with her, and she'd always tell him that he wasn't old enough yet so his thing wouldn't fit. I didn't think that was weird then, but it makes me wonder about them now.
I'm not sure how long this went on for, but one night I guess we were talking too loud. We hear her mom walking up the hallway so we duck under the covers. This wasn't really a good idea, since I slept on the inflatable mattress that we'd have sex on, and Amiri had her own bed, but little kids don't always think shit through. Her mom comes in and knows that we're awake, so she pulls the covers back to find us both naked together. She didn't seem as mad about us being naked under the covers as she did about us being up late making noise, since we still had school in the morning. A little after she went back to her room and we put our clothes back on, my mom came to pick me up, and I could Amiri's mom tell my mom about us being naked under the covers together. I had the biggest pit in my stomach. Like the pit of despair that Kristen Stewart must've been in for her to never smile in that awful vampire movie. Not only did I get caught not following the rules, but I got caught doing naked adult stuff. I thought my mom was going to tear my ass to pieces with the belt. So I get my stuff and walk past her with my head down to the car and hop in. Luckily I was too young for "the talk", so on the way home, my mom just told me to stop misbehaving and obey the babysitter, and she never mentioned it again. I felt like I dodged a bullet, and by bullet I mean "belt whooping my ass."
TL;DR I had sex with my babysitter's daughter and we barely got caught.
oss_spy: Bull shit.
/r/thatHappened
red3biggs: This is not an uncommon activity at all.
oss_spy: Silly me for thinking that seven year olds having sex at a babysitter's house at the instigation of the girl who totes saw it happen and wanted to try it.
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1381762016 | 1381813776 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,077 | [deleted]: TIFU by inappropriately blurting out "JEWS!" in my sociology 101 class.
During class we were asked to name people who it would be the most socially normal to do something. We were all supposed to just say the first type of people to pop into our heads given some information. After a few of these our professor stated, "What type of people would be expected to typically have tattoos during the 1940's?" This is where I exclaimed "Jews!" The professor laughed a bit and said the real answer was prisoners so I guess technically I was somewhat right.
barnacledoor: No fuck up. If you asked me who would have tattoos in the 40's, Jews would be my first thought because it is well known about Jewish people who were kept in the concentration camps had those tattoos. Who would really think prisoners before Jews?
GundamWang: That college freshman with his free trade caramel machiato.
ssjkriccolo: I have no idea what those last four words mean. Is that some kind of dessert?
EdgarAllenNope: It's improper (read: not black) "coffee".
brown_felt_hat: By that logic, a gin and tonic isn't a proper drink because it's mixed.
EdgarAllenNope: >tonic
lol
Look, if you want Coffee flavored sugar milk, be my guest, but it isn't proper.
brown_felt_hat: Man back off, tonic water is delicious.
Seriously, though, coffee with any type of additive is improper? Or flip it around, a plain latte is improper, even though espresso is essentially super concentrated coffee?
| 8 | 134.625 | |
1381770894 | 1382010946 | null | t5_2to41 | 92 | reseph: Will you guys stop pissing all over your desks, keyboards, significant other, etc etc etc?
Do we need a counter for this too?
Goddamn. ಠ_ಠ
RobinHoodRat: I just shat on my new iPAD.
Sir_Dude: Were you using the new iToilet app?
RobinHoodRat: Yep Turd weighed 1.2 lbs #winning
Noxiqoid: /r/nocontext
| 5 | 18.4 | |
1381780728 | 1381871004 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | imonlinedammit: TIFU by yelling at one of my coworkers to whom I am a supervisor.
Started listing his fuck ups with "Number A...". There's really no recovery from that. We just smiled and went about our day.
barnacledoor: Huh? You yelled at an employee and that's a fuckup? Did you yell at them for something they didn't do?
imonlinedammit: No, the fuck was when I told him to come into my office, He took a seat and I started to list the things he fucked up with a stern voice. Instead of saying "a. you were late b. you didn't send out the the report" or "first you were late secondly you didn't out the the report" I started with "NUMBER A you were late". So basically I fucked up trying to yell at him.
Edit: I am really not good with words.
barnacledoor: Oh, I missed that.
imonlinedammit: FIRST YOU MISS THIS, THEN WHAT! sorry just practicing.
| 5 | 3.2 | |
1381783481 | 1381876936 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | milkpink: TIFU by calling a disabled man a zombie.
More like, during the weekend I fucked up.
I was heading to the "Zombie Walk" with my friends, which is a gathering of people dressed like zombies with games, food, etc. While on campus I saw a guy with wispy white hair, sunken in eyes, wearing all black. He was walking slowly and crookedly, with his head drifting to the side, both arms bent, shuffling along. Best zombie walk I have ever seen!
I enthusiastically yelled "YEAAAAAHHH!!!!!" loudly, cheering him for his dedication for being in character as a zombie the whole day.
Instantly, my friends and about 10 other strangers stared at me as if I was convicted for drowning puppies.
Confused, I said, "What? He's a ZOMBIE!" very happily and smiling. I was thoroughly convinced he was acting as a zombie, and was on his way to the festivities!
As we walked, I saw him closer and realized he was an elderly man, with some sort of handicap making it hard for him to walk. Realizing this, I felt absolutely awful and hung my head down in shame, as my frienda slowly inched themselves away from me. Spent the rest of the walk realizing how I am definitely going to hell.
**tl;dr** Yelled "YEAH!!!" at an elderly handicapped man on the way to the zombiewalk, thinking he was a zombie on campus. Now I'm going to hell.
EDIT: for grammar and spelling.
isalright: I'm not sure saying "YEAAAAAAAAAH" is a good reaction to seeing a nice zombie walk.
milkpink: Well the way I said it was like "Yeah!!!" like really happily/cheering on?
It just happened...And now I have the shame to live with lol.
[deleted]: Well.. To be fair they are kinda like zombies.. Except they don't bite.. Most of the time
| 4 | 8 | |
1381790141 | 1381804093 | null | t5_2to41 | 159 | noNoParts: TIFU by sending my job application under my novelty email
I'm happily unemployed but I still keep an eye out for a good opportunity (something I do *while* employed and I highly recommend). Today I found a good job opportunity on Craigslist: located nearby, requiring a unique set of skills that I happen to have (military/professional marine & boat parts + near expert web design & development experience). Good money, too. I was pretty stoked.
So I cranked out a specific resume tailored to this particular job posting and actually remembered to attach it to the email. Really polished that sucker and embellished the bullet points that the employer was looking for, I mean really *nailed* the resume.
Then promptly send it not from my 'normal' email but from my novelty email, that I use to sign up for shit like Pizza Hut emails promotions and video games: essentially it's *chokeonmygiantchodefucker@hotmail.com*. That's not it exactly but you get the gist.
Not holding my breath for a reply from the employer.
noNoParts: Any speling erors are due to my rapidly increasing drunkenness (drunkenness has TWO n's?!) from my self medicating commiseration.
Nunc-Est-Bibendum: Maybe that's why you didn't get the job. Spelling errors are unprofessional, duh.
ludwigvanbiteme: Relevant username.
| 4 | 39.75 | |
1381795852 | 1381804425 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | justgotsuspended: TIFU by getting suspended after 11 years of never getting in trouble.
About 4 years ago, in middle school, I had downloaded Tor so I could browse reddit and whatnot, and put it in my "S:\ Drive". It's a folder being stored by the school district and when I log in to my account, it shows up as being mounted. I never got in trouble, and tech had many times gone through my files and found nothing wrong.
Fast forward 4 years, I'm here now suspended because the tech at the high school I go to decided to look at my files, and because the drive is stored by the school district, they found Tor. I know this isn't too much, considered, but this being literally the first time something this severe as happened to me. Before, I hadn't even been yelled at by a teacher, much less be sent to the principal's office.
For the first few hours knowing I had gotten in trouble, I was fine, just pretending to act all 'cool' about it, but as soon as I got home, I had a near panic attack. I have a 4.0+ GPA and the last thing I want to do it screw it up, even though I know this is practically meaningless. I just can't stay calm and think rationally. Please guys, I'm freaking out here.
GourangaPlusPlus: You'll sit back and laugh at their idiocy some day.
Also look at this way, there are millions of people out there who would love to have this as their biggest problem in life, you're blessed as hell to have your smarts and your situation where you can utilise that to its fullest.
justgotsuspended: Thanks for the calming words. I know I'm overreacting, but I can't help it. I'm almost paranoid when it comes to things like this.
Fgmaniac: First, Tor isn't actually illegal anywhere, so don't worry about legal trouble. The worst that can happen has to do with school, so there will be no police involvement whatsoever.
Now that *that* is off your chest, we can move on to point two. You haven't gotten in trouble throughout your highschool years, and have a 4.0 GPA. I think I can infer that this also means your teachers don't think you're a rambunctious, hooligan cyber-terrorist.
Just tell the principal the truth, or what I'm assuming is the truth.
"Every once in a while, I like to browse reddit when I'm feeling stressed out. I just don't want the school to believe I am not being 100% productive, because sometimes I feel that I'm being pressured to be perfect. I know it's stupid, but please don't let this scar my highschool career, I promise to delete it, and will not use it again"
In case what I'm saying is not completely helpful, what do they believe you are doing? Embezzling large amounts of money from a bank in Switzerland? Hiring a freaking hitman? Watching porn (oh, the humanity)? Just tell them you were slacking off, and that should cut it short.
I mean, did you say something stupid? Did they give you a chance to talk, or were you just suspended like that?
| 4 | 7.75 | |
1381786512 | 1381824343 | null | t5_2to41 | 48 | lliinnddsseeyy: TIFU by eating questionable ham.
It was lunch time. I wanted a sandwich. My family rarely has lunch meat in the house (because they hate me, I guess? I don't know what kind of people don't have copious amounts of varying types of lunch meat), but today when I opened the fridge I saw an opened package of ham with *one* slice left. So I'm thinking "Damn! This is my lucky day! I don't have to eat just measly bread and cheese!"
Then I realize that this meat is a little bit more dark and dry than the sliced ham I have eaten in the past. I weigh the options in my head- either it's bad, and I run the chance of getting sick, or it's totally fine and it's probably just the light and man who the fuck cares because I get to have a sandwich with MEAT on it!
It was a tough choice, as you can tell.
So I slap my sammy together, wrassle up some chips on the side, get myself a cup of apple juice, and proceed to masticate.
Fast forward to dinner time: I'm feeling way more tired than normal, and I can barely keep my eyes open. For some reason the pasta that I normally love is just not interesting my stomach today, who seems to have had enough food to last a lifetime, based on how loudly it is complaining. I excuse myself and go to bed, slightly worried about my lunchtime choice.
12:24 AM: I wake up in a cold sweat. I have to make a quarter of a split-second decision- Am I going to throw up out my window (three feet away), or try to make it to the bathroom (at least 25 feet away)? I choose window, but I choose just slightly too late, and as I frantically struggle to open it, the first wave of dinner is unleashed on my floor, windowsill, window, and curtains. I want to yell "Fuck!" but I know that if I open my mouth, words will not be the only thing to come out. I get the window open, and I have to walk through my own vomit to get out to the balcony, where a damn *torrential rain* of vomit is let loose onto the patio below. I mean at least five or six waves, it felt like I was losing four times the volume of my stomach, which was impressive considering how little I had eaten for dinner.
Finally it was over, and then I got to go back inside and spend the next half hour cleaning up my own noodle barf. To top it all off, I completely forgot to drink water afterwards, so I woke up feeling like I was dying all over again.
**TL;DR: Ate bad meat, threw up all over my room.**
AHandsomeBlackMan: I thought I was the only one that referred to sandwiches as sammies...
Congrats on the fuck up, beautiful job :D
lliinnddsseeyy: It makes me feel like Tom Haverford every time, but I love it.
| 3 | 16 | |
1381802084 | 1381803556 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | glennman360: TIFU by telling my ex gf that i love her
My ex girlfriend and i were tight den a mu fucka.
we still live together. only difference is she is tots mcgoats gay and cheated on me with a lady girl she only knew for a week.
She is pretty much constantly fucking this girl. I feel bad that this girl has to deal with a cheater but w/e.
I told her i loved her unfortuantely and now shits really fuckin weird. Fuck me right?
I was really angry that she had cheated on me so i got on her facebook and saw that she had been having sex with this girl for like 3 months.
I saw all of their fucked up convos and now i cant get that shit out of my head but i still love her.
Master2u: Are you for real?
glennman360: yup yup
Master2u: Did you learn how to talk from watching episodes of Scooby Doo?
glennman360: how did you know? 0.0
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1381805059 | 1381876315 | null | t5_2to41 | 406 | livegoodtimes: TIFU by drunk face timing.
So I was drunk and trying to have some sexy FaceTime with my girl, but I accidentally facetimed one of my coworkers wife. I don't even know how I got her number. Then the coworker facetimed me to find out wtf is going on and I accept his FaceTime while I am completely naked. He was confused. I was confused. And today at work he told everyone he saw my man bits.
OrangeSherbet: Well I mean it could have gone *a lot* worse.
depricatedzero: It went...*okay*
Mitterban: I don't think this will every die. I'm okay with that.
| 4 | 101.5 | |
1381809531 | 1385885396 | null | t5_2to41 | 77 | potsmoking_princess: TIFU by not closing my porn pop-ups.
Today, a lot of my extended family was over for Thanksgiving dinner. I spent my summer working in Kenya and I haven't seen a lot of family since I've been back, so I decided to grab my laptop and show them some of my photos. What I had forgotten was that last night I fell asleep after watching some porn and I hadn't touched my laptop since; luckily I had made the effort of closing the actual porn website, but I hadn't gone as far as the pop-up ads... So I had to clumsily close down three sexual pop up ads (two "live cams" and some adult dating site) while my aunts, uncles, grandmother and great grandmother watched.
TL;DR- Four generations of family members feeling awkward because I didn't close my porn pop-ups.
duff-man02: Another reason to use Adblock.
AlphaGhost500: This right here is golden life advice, ladies and gentlemen.
LongLiveBacon: Let's not forget SiteAdvisor and Webutation too. Adblock + SiteAdvisor + Webutation = King of the Internet.
| 4 | 19.25 | |
1381834354 | 1381940033 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,427 | GabrielNaess: TIFU and stalked a girl at school without realizing it.
So lately I've been having the diarrhea real bad. (I did not shit myself, just saying.)
And as such I've been forced to excuse myself from class several times a day.
Apparently I was not the only one with diarrhea, a girl in my class was also suffering from it.
Today I was called up to the principals office where the girl was sitting.
I was caught off guard when I saw slight fear and disgust in her eyes when I entered the room and sat down.. beside her. ( >_> )
The principal told me that I was suspected of stalking this girl since Monday. A bit shocked I asked why.
It turned out that I'd been excusing myself to go to the bathroom right after the girl did. Every single time. *Face palm* I apologized and told the principal that when the word ''bathroom'' was said something must've triggered inside me and made me want to shit.
Although I apologized and explained why this happened the principal called the girls parents and my own. We have a meeting scheduled for tomorrow. :/
TL;DR Had to shit, ended up being accused of stalking a girl to the bathroom.
rykocolor: You didn't fuck up bro, not really...it's a crazy world we live in, where a man going to the bathroom around the same time as a girl is now stalking...
faschwaa: It's not. It was a misunderstanding. Is everyone missing that part?
rykocolor: ...that's what everyone agrees on, it was a misunderstanding. The thing we are talking about is the next logical question: why was there a misunderstanding? Why would this girl assume he was stalking her?
The most logical answer: men are demonized as predators, and women are victims. She assumed he was stalking her (predator) and so she reacted stupidly by telling the principle (victim). Yes, a misunderstanding, but a misunderstanding born of incorrect social understanding that is pressed on young people daily.
Really, at this point, it's shouldn't even be shocking to hear this unless you've been living in a hole not paying attention to what's been going on socially for decades.
faschwaa: Your reading of the situation is fueled by an outdated battle of the sexes that is completely unnecessary. She was uncomfortable with the fact that he very literally followed her out of class every single time she left. She was wrong, but she played it safe. Your imagined social injustices have nothing to do with an innocuous situation like this one that has no *actual* repercussions.
rykocolor: >She was wrong, but she played it safe
This is what I am talking about, this is the problem. We agree she was wrong, but because society views men as predators, we consider it 'safe' to falsely accuse someone of stalking.
I agree that the battle of the sexes is over in the west, it has long since become a slaughter where the every whim and feeling of a woman is justified, and most men are too afraid to speak up.
faschwaa: Show me evidence of that and I might even take your argument seriously.
Even then I might not in this case because of how completely harmless it is. Especially when you weigh the risks against the benefits. If you take gender out of the equation, I think you'd still find someone uncomfortable with what OP was doing.
rykocolor: Evidence of what? That female feelings are the priority in our society, by a long shot? Sure:
-Alimony, a system set up at a time when women couldn't work, thus it actually made sense. For years, though, it has not made sense because women are members of the workforce. No one cared to change this, especially not women, who are far and away the main recipients of alimony. However, when the tables are turned [women want reform](http://articles.sun-sentinel.com/2013-08-03/news/fl-alimony-reform-women-20130731_1_first-wives-first-alimony-reform-alimony-law) - this gets attention, while a [man](http://www.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/1o7kzt/i_pay_2500_mo_to_my_exwife_for_1_kid/) being forced to pay so much he lives on only $800 a month, or another [man](http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2013-08-26/jail-becomes-home-for-husband-stuck-with-lifetime-alimony.html) who is forced to pay so much he ends up in prison gets none.
-the draft and voting: women have an unconditional right to vote, men have a conditional right to vote based on registering for the draft. Now that women have been deemed combat ready, guess what the story is? That's right, the war on women is expanding because some people have the gall to think women [shouldn't be exempt based on having a vagina](http://www.wnd.com/2013/08/think-women-exempt-from-draft-think-again/).
-planned parenthood: hey look, men can only make [appointments during certain hours](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-center/centerDetails.asp?f=2522&a=91110v=details#!service=mens-health). I wonder why? Probably because women don't feel safe with men around because of how our society looks at men right now.
-Hey look, a crazy person stole a famous mans underwear out of his house and faces [no criminal prosecution for breaking and entering or anything else](http://www.stuff.co.nz/entertainment/celebrities/9281737/Butt-naked-Liam-vulnerable), I wonder what this crazy persons gender was?
-criminal sentencing: men receive sentencing that is [63% higher](http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/11/men-women-prison-sentence-length-gender-gap_n_1874742.html) for the same crime...yay equality.
-reproductive rights: [men have none, end of story](http://breakingtheglasses.blogspot.com/2012/08/effeminition-feminist-logic-editorial.html#.Ul24VhAnXYQ)
-the gender wage gap: women *feel* as though there is a wage gap, something that is pushed often by NOW as well as the federal government, even though a government funded study by consad showed that the gender wage gap is [miniscule, and caused by personal choices](http://www.consad.com/content/reports/Gender%20Wage%20Gap%20Final%20Report.pdf).
-white house council on boys and men is nonexistent, but the one for girls is going strong.
-VAWA exists, and yet we know domestic violence aggression is [near parity](http://www.theguardian.com/society/2010/sep/05/men-victims-domestic-violence)- but ofcourse, what women women feel and want are more important
-suicide: there are several dedicated suicide hotlines for women and girls specifically, yet none for men and boys even though they make up 80% of suicides.
-lifespans: a century ago, the gap between gender lifespans was less than a year, now it is more than 5. This implies not a biological difference, but a societal and environmental difference. Could it be that over $50 million was spent by the government last year on breast cancer, while less than a million was spent on prostate cancer? Not to mention that the statistic might actually be incorrect as men account for over 95% of workplace deaths (hows that for a glass ceiling)
-even discussing male issues is apparently bad form, as Dr. Warren Farrel, a 10 year board member for NOW who left because no one talked about male issues, found out [when he tried to hold a discussion on a Toronto university campus](http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=related&v=CRWff4gCwTw&app=desktop)
-disposability: I already mentioned that 95% of workplaces deaths were men, but there is more than that. Remember that shooting at a movie theater where a lot of guys died because they jumped over their women to protect her? Yea, not a single women did that for her man.
-rape: men are percieved as being rapists, while many hold that women cannot be rapists at all, but really, rape is near (37% female aggressors) [gender parity](http://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/nisvs/) - [see this too.](http://www.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/1eiz9l/according_to_that_infamous_nisvs_study_during/), but ofcourse only women who are raped matter, as evidenced by the fact that there isn't a single battered mens center, and most of the resources provided by battered shelters are aimed at helping men *stop being batterers*
-Hey look, men are now legally payed less in government jobs than women in [Australia](http://www.smh.com.au/business/win-for-women-in-bid-to-hike-super-pay-20130730-2qxa1.html)
- for an even more complete list and dissection of these types of issue from the male perspective, [see here](http://www.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/urvia/an_argument_establishing_male_discrimination/)
Yes, I know all I have done is point out examples of where men have it worse than women. The problem is that no one seems to want to talk about them. No one talks about boys committing suicide at higher rates, no one wants to talk about male emotions, and no one wants to talk about masculinity [unless women are allowed to define it.](http://www.returnofkings.com/13859/american-masculinity-is-based-on-female-approval) Yes, this one case likely ended in a harmless way, but it's the larger pattern at large that intertwines across many issues and continues into adulthood in all areas, that is the problem. It's really as simple as what boys are taught at a young age: *never* hit a girl. Girls are generally not taught this (or at least it isn't enforced anywhere near as severely), and this ends up translating throughout their life. Women are to be respected simply because they are women, and men are not. Men will barely even speak up for themselves, not even the powerful ones. Hell, even Pres. Obama said in his [speech about title IX](http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2012/06/23/op-ed-president-obama-president-obama-reflects-impact-title-ix) that it was a great success for America than more women than men graduate from college at a greater disparity than when title IX was introduced.
OceanRacoon: It's ironic that some people call for the destruction gender roles these days yet when men speak up about these things they tell them to stop complaing and man up.
rykocolor: Completely agree. When people say they want to destroy gender roles what they really mean is they want to free women from any and all social constraints while reinforcing or ignoring the ones that are laid upon men. This is usually justified by either A) incorrectly stating that men aren't oppressed or don't have issues that affect them socially, or B) playing oppression olympics by claiming that for all of human history women have been oppressed by men (also false)
faschwaa: What you just said is totally a feminist perspective. There are people who misunderstand feminism, and many of them apply the label to themselves
rykocolor: The problem is that there is no such thing as a unified feminist perspective. The first and second waves, maybe, but the third wave consists of possibly hundreds of different perspectives. Yes, some feminists say what I say, many do not. Honestly, what I said links far more closely and consistently with egalitarianism than feminism. Personally, I think many people call themselves feminist but misunderstand that really they are egalitarian.
faschwaa: The more I think about the egalitarian comment the more it bothers me. What gives you the right to decide what is and isn't feminism? It seems like your definition is set so that you can never be wrong about feminists being man haters. That's very self-serving, not to mention inaccurate.
rykocolor: That was the point /u/faschwaa, it was meant to be patronizing and bothersome, because in the comment above this one you tried to tell me that my perspective was feminist, and not egalitarian (even though my perspective is egalitarian on its face). I also don't remember ever bringing feminism into this, that was you. I said people/society, you've simply assumed that I find all feminists as being man hating and that I think all feminists are the same.
faschwaa: My assumption was off-base, but I maintain that your definition of feminism is self-serving. At its heart, feminism is meant to be egalitarian. The only feminists I've ever known have cared just as deeply about subverting the traditional gender roles of men as of women.
rykocolor: I never actually gave a definition of feminism, I simply said that there was no longer a unified theory - that isn't opinion, it's simply how it is.
Your personal experience of feminists matters little when the greater whole at large can be seen doing differently. Again, I never said all feminists were bad, I actually never brought up feminism until you did, I simply said that society treats womens issues as serious and mens issues as laughable.
faschwaa: You didn't give a definition of what feminism *is*, but you gave a definition of what it *isn't*. That's what I'm addressing.
rykocolor: ...no, I said my own view points are connected to egalitarianism, not feminism, that doesn't mean there aren't a few overlapping idea. Also, what I said was meant to be patronizing and taken sarcastically above, it was meant to show how patronizing it is for you to try and tell me what my ideas or what egalitarianism is and isn't.
faschwaa: Jesus, man. I don't think we even disagree on much. I'm sorry that I came across as patronizing. I didn't intend to put you down with what I said about feminism. I just thought it was worth mentioning that the point you made is shared as a lynchpin of feminist thought.
rykocolor: >lynchpin of feminist thought.
If only we could get it to be a lynchpin of feminist action
I agree that we probably don't disagree on much. The interesting thing is that whenever I speak to people who identify as egalitarian they pretty well agree with me and we have a fruitful discussion. When I talk to people who identify as feminist, it always take a long time for us to go down the road until they say sure we agree on most things. I don't know if they don't like how I say it, or the fact that I point feminist action has done nothing in regards to male issues, or what not....just an interesting aside.
| 20 | 71.35 | |
1381838200 | 1381855589 | null | t5_2to41 | 300 | Hans_Vader: TIFU and now my whole class hates me
It was at the beginning of class and everyone was taking their seats. As my neighbor prepared to sit down I had the retarded thought that if I pulled her seat back so that she would fall down it'll be really funny and she'll finally like me. I really don't know why I did this and I feel really stupid now. She fell, started crying and ran out of class while my other classmates just gave me looks like 'what the fuck man'... I apologized a million times and she said it's fine but I still feel like a dick. I know that this is nothing compared to the other TIFU's but I just wanted to contribute to TIFU, even if it's a minor thing..
Edit/Update: she said I shouldn't make too much out of it and I bought her chocolate so I guess it's okay but I still feel bad. As for the people who wanted to know how old I am, I am 18 and am in 13th grade in a 'Gymnasium' (I live in Germany).
quiterascible: My suggestion: Stop trying to stand out by being "the funny guy". Nobody likes that guy. "Oh it would be totally funny if-" STOP.
Hans_Vader: Yeah usually I'm not that like that but we had this little 'feud' going on where we would play little pranks to each other but I guess I overdid it a little...
Fgmaniac: I kind of know how you feel, feuds are hard to deal with.
I'm usually the lax kid, who is the best person to pull a prank on because I've learned to laugh at myself. Sometimes when I prank back though, even if it's a bit less, people get real bitchy because you made a mistake.
It's sad you hurt her, but here's a tip for next time:
>When you're in a feud with a girl you like, Don't fight back, or you'll be a dyke.
Basically, never really make a direct *prank attack* towards her, just joke around about how she "won't be able to get you next time" and encourage her to keep on going.
Once she gets you *real* good, tell her you were defeated, and it's only fair that you buy her lunch. Then take her out, give her a goodnight kiss, talk to her next week, take her to a party, make out, go to college together, become a banker, get engaged, have kids, find out she's having and affair, get drunk and bring a revolver to the room they're making love in, pussy out and throw the revolver into a river, find out she and her lover was murdered by someone else, go to prison for a crime you didn't do, meet a black guy who can "get things", ask for a hand pick, start building a tunnel out of the prison, do the taxes for every jail-guard in the district, find out the warden is using the prisoners as his own private-labor force which he is compensated for, help him launder the money by sending the funds into a forged person's account, escape the prison and release the papers that reveal the warden launders said money, take the money out of the accounts and go to a coastal Mexican city where you work on a boat, be reunited with your old black friend who was released on parole.
Ozzyinmyeyes: Yeah...or you know, whatever.
| 5 | 60 | |
1381851327 | 1381853477 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: ALTAIFU a subreddit for fuck ups that happened a while ago!
Fgmaniac: I know it doesn't follow the title, but I always thought that TIFU is still appropriate for fuck-ups of the past. I mean, the rules don't actually state that TIFU is not for fuck-ups of the past.
It's better to just have this community for all of them, instead of specifying to such detail. Don't forget, a fuck up from last year and today are pretty similar. It doesn't matter when, fuck-ups are fuck-ups are fuck-ups.
CorsarioNero: Totally agree. One of this sub's greatest posts was one where a guy pissed on a girl's closet, only to reveal it happened 20 years ago at the end.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1381853734 | 1381955656 | null | t5_2to41 | 104 | serriberry: TIFU by papercutting my eye
tl;dr - Good idea: do work. Bad idea: unwittingly papercut your eye.
My worst nightmare has come true. I papercut my eye with about 15 pages of paper. I got to an optometrist right away, and was able to take [a picture of a picture they took](http://i.imgur.com/dgkEGV4.jpg). The yellowy bit is the damaged area. A papercut to the eye, particularly of this magnitude, hurts at least as much as you'd imagine.
z33driv3r: How did that happen!?!?
PotatoMusicBinge: He was groping around on top of the fridge looking for some laminated paper, when, at the exact moment he laid a hand on some a huge spider jumped right onto his face, which he then tried to swat away
| 3 | 34.666667 | |
1381866640 | 1381867360 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by having sex with a women
So it started off meeting this 6/10 black women on okcupid. We go out to a bar and hit it off, her talking 95% of the time and me 5%. Since it was the first time seeing each other I figure we would just part our own ways after. She asks of I can walk her home I agree. When we get to her house she takes me straight to her room. Everything is pink and it has signs up that say princess all around. She starts talking then we start making out. I'm going to go down on her and pull off her pants, the smell hit me from afar. It was enough for most people to say nope but desperate times call for desperate decisions so I go down on her. The smell increases ten fold but I suck it up and continue then she grabs my dick and trys to put it in her vagina. I asked if she had a condom she said no but didn't care...... so I had a just in case that I used, as we were having sex the smell just made me lose all the erection that I had. After that I felt bad so stayed the night, couldn't sleep because of this smell it was a combination of wet dog and dead fish. In the morning I try to dip out and she catches me at the door and gives me a huge hug and a kiss, hours later I still smell it, just lingering beneath my noise. She try to contact me twice already today but I am holding strong. Ill will update if my noise survives.
sarcastifrey: WHY? WHY do men do this?! There should never be a "desperate times call for desperate measures" type of situation. If she stinks, zip up that nastiness and bail. Who knows what kind of diseases or bacterial issues she has and you just put it all in your MOUTH.
I am going to go vomit now...
Fgmaniac: Yeah, OP, you should seriously check into a clinic. Like, right fucking now.
Holy shit, I'd at least pretend to understand if you used protection, but shit, an STD just to break a dry spell, with a trampy 6 (Which I assume would normally be a 2 or lower if it wasn't a dry spell) no less?
Shit, for your sake, I hope this is fake. Fuck...
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1381866375 | 1381887471 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | Fgmaniac: TIFU by drinking a glass of water, and using it to pressure wash my house with orange fluid.
Yesterday was Canadian thanksgiving, and instead of having the usual beaver drizzled in maple syrup (kidding) I ate a traditional meal with a bit of a twist. Instead of turkey we had raw chunks of prime beef with a pasty sauce comprised of dried hot peppers and whisky. The good whisky.
Anyways, turns out my stomach can't handle a meal meant for an African warrior who just killed a zebra with his 14 inch long johnson, so of course I got a little sick.
I decided to be a dumbass, and told myself I'd go to school no matter what. I skip breakfast, because I know I can't hold anything down at this point, and go to school. One period later and I'm cancelling a lunch date, asking for homework, and calling home.
Fast forward another hour and the bus (TTC, reppin Toronto Transit) drops me off 100m from the house. That was the second longest hundred meters (328.084 feet) in my life.
I got home and felt like shit, so I took a shit. And what a shit it was, the toilet will be stained for days. After I was done spewing out my intestines, I walked down to the kitchen.
Remembering my training, I knew I was supposed to prescribe fluids to my sorry ass. So, I drank half a glass of water.
Before I could say "sweet relief" I began to projectile vomit like a firehose.
I ran upstairs, mouth over my hands, and I *swear* to you I could hear the gushing as the yellow fluid sprayed the stairs, the hardwood floor, the tiling in my bathroom, my bathroom mirror, and finally the sink.
I then proceeded to vomit my stomach acid out, feeling the burn as I did so. And it wasn't a gentle *bleugh*, it was a steady stream which looked like I was taking a piss from my mouth.
After the trauma was over, I wiped the hardwood and mirror, washed the sink a bit, and realized I'm gonna need a carpet cleaner.
I have just finished watching Catch me if You Can, and I still can't be bothered to find out where I can get one. Wish me luck reddit, I have a HUGE presentation tomorrow and a math assignment, let's see if I can stop spewing for enough time for me to finish.
tl;dr- Got sick trying to eat raw meat, sprayed nearly a tenth of my square footage with watery orangish-yellow fluids.
Kalika14: >prescribe fluids to my sorry ass
Here I pictured you bent over with plastic bottle sticking out.
Fgmaniac: It's because my ass wasn't really sorry.
If my ass was a friend, he wouldn't have put me through the pain of buttburn.
Ass was ass, so ass was punished.
Bad ass.
Demento56: This sounds vaguely fetish-y...
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1381864416 | 1381871573 | null | t5_2to41 | 39 | LzTangeL: TIFU by lying at work about owning a video game.
Ok so all my co-workers were gathered around the office talking about playing the new Madden 25 game and how awesome it is. I am a gamer but i can't really play/enjoy sports games to save my life!
But for some reason my brain does this wierd thing where it always tries to fit in so I act like I have the game so I can be part of the conversation. They ask me for my gamertag and what not so they can add me. Thats when i start to freak out and go oh shit in my head and i dodge them all day but i finally break down and give it to them.
On the way home i had to stop and pick this game up to play it once so i didnt look like a crazy liar to my co-workers. $60 wasted.
Revelgoodpeople: What a fake asshole. Why would you try to fit in if the person they're liking isn't even you.
phsikotic: The pressure to be accepted gets the best of people sometimes. Don't be a jackass
| 3 | 13 | |
1381858491 | 1381912532 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | HeIsMyPossum: TIFU by celebrating my Health Risk Assessment with 2 Panchero's Burritos
For context, I'm 5' 6-1/2" and 143 pounds (just got measured).
My company does a Health Risk Assessment to give people incentives to be healthy. They take your height, weight, blood draw, etc. and if you are healthy you get money off of your premiums each month.
So mine was today. I did everything well and fasted before hand.
A buddy of mine had his today too. We decided we should celebrate it by going out and getting a bunch of food. I decided to try and eat whatever he ate. We called it a "celebration".
We decided today that Pancheros (like Chipotle if you don't have one nearby) was the place of choice. The challenge was to eat 2 burritos in one sitting. These are no baby burritos if you haven't been there before. These suckers are probably 1-1.5 lbs a piece. I should also mention my buddy is about 6' 1" and 250+ lbs.
We decided to go for it, and holy shit does my stomach regret it. I successfully ate both, but I, for some stupid reason, decided to get jalapenos on mine, so that's in the mix. I haven't stopped burping or farting since eating it, and my stomach is brewing something awful.
The worst part is yet to come when I have this sloppy mud-butt shit at work. It's gonna be a real butthole burner.
Never, ever, eat 2 Pancheros burritos in one sitting. And if you do, don't get jalapenos on them.
tl;dr: Going to melt a toilet later with red-hot magma shits
majorkev: There's a chain in Toronto called Mucho Burrito. Right now they're having a ghost pepper burrito special, where you get some 12" burrito stuffed with everything hot under the sun.
I said "But the 12" is so small... can I get the same stuff in the larger burrito wrapper?"
> "No problem."
Best, spiciest burrito I ever had.
^^^^Jalapenos ^^^^are ^^^^bitch ^^^^peppers.
Reads_Small_Text_Bot: > Jalapenos are bitch peppers.
majorkev: Well, they are.
SoyPopo: right you are.
| 5 | 7 | |
1381878920 | 1381946807 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | greensign: TIFU by Driving away from a drive through.
This happened yesterday, but I forgot to write this in my embarrassment.
So I went inside my nearby burger king and was behind some dude who wrote his order on wood and was ordering 6 fucking meals. Knowing how slow the god damn burgerking people were I figured it would be quicker to go to the drive through. So I exit the store, enter my car and order my food.
When I get to the window the lady gives me my soda, and my straw. I put the soda in my cupholder and throw the straw on my chair. I give the lady the money and she goes to get the food. Then figuring I had actually thrown my food in my chair I drove off.
I never went back cause I was too embarrassed and I feel bad that I didn't. But it's okay, cause I'm never entering that burger king again.
Buffalo__Buffalo: I've never worked in a drive thru before, but I suspect this would happen a lot more often than you realize.
xb4r7x: I used to work at Dunkin' Donuts. It definitely happend sometimes.
My mom used to work at McDonalds during the summer when school was out (she was a teacher's aid) and would bring home food that was abandoned... they couldn't sell it to someone else, so they'd just stick it under the heat lamp until the end of the shift then take it home. Better than wasting it!
| 3 | 10.666667 | |
1381888204 | 1381890133 | null | t5_2to41 | 51 | s34n_h: TIFU by laughing in sex ed
so we where in the "pregnancy & birth" part of the program and the topic was periods. in the video a narrator says "during a womans period mucus and blood is expelled from the vagina" and a friend of mine leaned over and said; "Bless you.". i just fucking lost it! i couldnt stop laughing for like 10 minutes! i had to go out in the hall and just giggle to myself for the last 5 of those 10 mins.
TL;DR: a friend of mine tells a joke in Sex-ed and i had to leave the class because i was laughing so hard.
Master2u: Good luck getting laid in high school, that crap is all over FB right now.
Fgmaniac: >Good luck getting laid in high school
You know what site you're on right? They'll be lucky if they get laid *period*.
Master2u: I laughed out loud when I read period.
| 4 | 12.75 | |
1381883538 | 1381896933 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | MadameQuiggles: TIFU by posting a NSFW drawing on IMGUR.
So here I am, minding my own business and posting art that I've created on IMGUR to share on reddit or with my friends. Turns out that I wasn't paying attention when uploading pictures to the gallery for everyone to view for the respect of artistic beauty and uploaded a picture that is considered NSFW because it has nudity in it, even if it isn't sexual. Now I can't upload anything to this account, which I run some business through. I could make another account, but I don't want someone complaining that it's all reposts (well of course because I want them in my art gallery).
TL:DR; I uploaded a naked, drawn, body to the internet.
dankman13: because you know, this is the first time porn has ever been put onto the internet.
MadameQuiggles: God forbid I be the one to soil the poor souls on the internet!
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1381888970 | 1381898011 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | synchroidiotic: TIFU by smashing an entire bottle of nail polish on my carpet.
Tomorrow evening I'm getting together with some lady friends to eat, drink, and exchange our un- or infrequently-used nail polishes. Tonight I pull out my collection and start to sort through it. I come across a bottle of bright orange (in retrospect, perhaps appropriately dubbed "Chop Chop!") which hasn't had much love recently. One of the stipulations for the exchange is that it not be dried out, so I go to mix it up and test it out. It's a long rectangular bottle, not really one that I can roll around in my palms easily, so I knock it on the carpet.
Just as I've done with a hundred bottles prior to this one.
And the side of the bottle shatters open and polish sprays everywhere. So basically it looks like I murdered an Oompah-Loompah in the middle of my living room. "Chop Chop!" indeed.
A quick Google search tells me that it's not impossible to remove nail polish, and offers a few suggestions. Non-acetone polish remover and a white cloth, but I only have the high-test acetone remover (which isn't helping.) Goo Gone, which I don't have. Windex, which doesn't seem to work. Hairspray, which is also a no-go.
[Fantastic.]( http://imgur.com/XUkPup6)
[deleted]: As puppy breeders we deal with "birthing fluids" and the likeness quite frequently. So we got this stuff called "Natures Miracle" that comes in a red bottle. (Not sure where from, my mom bought it.) My sister spilled nail polish in her room and my mom thought she would use that stuff to get it out. **IT WORKED!** I'd swear by that stuff. It's a whole different form of wizardry.
synchroidiotic: Hmmm. There's a pet store basically around the corner from where I'd pick up the acetone polish remover tomorrow. Do you think they'd have it, or would that be something I would need to special order?
[deleted]: I swear by acetone for situations like that too, infact I would suggest nail polish remover over the natures miracle stuff just incase. I doubt they will have it, I think we got it from Costco. I'll ask my mom tomorrow and report back if I remember to.
EDIT: Googled the stuff and it looks as though petco keeps a heafty supply. I guess you could check there.
| 4 | 6 | |
1381893517 | 1381896310 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | 1010harry: I got disqualified for board of trustees because of ridiculous reason
dobtoronto: 1. Keep the moral high ground. That means don't call anyone a faggot and don't insult people
2. Write a letter that is dated and well-written and ask that the school file it so that there is a record of your statement. Assert that you did not buy votes.
3. Talk to the people who counted votes and try to get an official readout of the election results.
4. Did anyone help you with your campaign? It would be good to work with those people.
5. Again, keep the moral high ground and be a man about this. Don't let it discourage you from helping people or working in organizations.
6. Ask the school administration for another position of influence besides school board member - state that you ran in the election to be involved and you would like to be involved no matter what.
1010harry: like what kind of statement
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1381900295 | 1381916489 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | angelofdeathofdoom: TIFU by sending a video about the Japanese Love Industry to my professor. Video in comments
Video: http://www.vice.com/the-vice-guide-to-travel/the-japanese-love-industry
I fucked up. I fucked up big time.
I'm taking Japanese in college right. So I'm watch the first 8 minutes of this video and think its pretty interesting info on the current culture of Japan. So I think it would be good to share with the class. So I send it to my professor.
Yeah, then I watch the last 5 minutes. Holy Fuck. You can not un-send and email.
Fuck I hope she doesn't watch the end. I have that class tomorrow.
jacobstamand: Just hope the prof doesn't just watch the first 5 minutes and decide to show it in class. o.o
angelofdeathofdoom: Well if she only shows the first five minutes, its a pretty interesting video. I think it would be good. But yeah showing the last couple minutes to class would be fucking hilariously bad.
fabulous_frolicker: The last 5 min are the best dude. I'd loose it if my professor showed that in class.
| 4 | 8.75 | |
1381915868 | 1382000211 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,990 | fuck4847837923-9: TIFU and cost my client $20,000+ in 5 minutes.
I'm a software developer. I was developing a software for a client, who is a stocks trader. The software is a trading software for automating the buying / selling of stocks.
I normally use a demo account to test my software, and during this testing, I purchase / sell hundreds of stocks a minute. The software is 99.99% finished, the client has already paid me. He asked for some last minute adjustments, and I was working on them.
In the middle of this, I was having an issue, so I decided to try it with the 2nd trading program which was installed on my testing computer. Not knowing / remembering that this 2nd program was set up with my client's live account rather than a demo, because a couple weeks ago the client had logged onto this computer to do something, and then had left his main account logged in.
So I fired up the program and began my testing, and executed god knows how many trades in a few minutes. Suddenly, I got a call where I got told to immediately stop whatever I was doing. So I looked, and noticed that it was logged into the live account rather than demo..
This all happened a few mins ago, I've tried to call my client but he told me tersely 'I'll call you back later'. I don't know wtf I'm going to do. I'm considering just packing up my things and leaving town without telling anyone where I am going.
I could use any advice / help, please.. thanks.
Edit: Some more explanation of exactly how this happened: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1okanq/tifu_and_cost_my_client_20000_in_5_minutes/ccst1q5?context=3
Edit 2: Update. I have met the client in person. He's turned out to be nice about it and told me not to worry, and that it was his mistake for not having properly looked after his main account. He expects to be able to get the loss back in a month or two with my software (he asked me to finish it). So, for now, it looks like things are going to be okay.
ankl: This is one of my worst fears as the SW developer.
On the bright side, you may have lost $20000 at the moment, but who knows how much are the stocks you bought going to be worth in future.
Longerhin: I'm guessing he did quick buy / sell operations and doesn't have any stocks left (or only some of them). But i still can't imagine how it's set up, it's connected to his bank account or something? Wouldn't that be blocked by being a suspicious activity? And running a simulation vs. actually trading only depends on account type?
fuck4847837923-9: it was a bunch of sells.. a lot of sells. On a live, unlimited account.
[deleted]: I'm pretty interested in securities analysis. Just out of curiosity, how does the program decide what stocks to buy and trade? Does it use fibonacci retracement?
fuck4847837923-9: Actually its rules based, the user sets some rules like buy when X <= Y, sell when Y > X, etc. Just for testing purposes I was load testing it e.g to see how fast it could buy or sell, I had set a rule which matched every second. :( How I wish I had decided to just sleep in today.
astronoob: How would that be an accurate load test if the transactions aren't happening?
PixelOrange: There are dummy sites out there that allow you to trade with fake accounts. It's for teaching economics to students. They use real stocks and real transaction limits and follow all the rules except that it's just a bunch of fake money.
astronoob: How would that be an accurate load test if you're using a completely separate service, with a completely different API, and different server architecture?
PixelOrange: Some of the big hitters have both dummy and live options. It's just a trigger.
Aside from that, his program (program A) tied into another program (B). He's just looking to control B. He doesn't care if B goes to Facebook or MySpace, for example. He's just looking to make sure A is working as expected.
astronoob: > He's just looking to make sure A is working as expected.
Then that's what unit tests or integration tests are for. Load testing is almost meaningless unless you're testing against the real thing.
PixelOrange: Not if you want to make sure the interfacing will handle those kinds of speeds.
But I'm not him. I don't know why he did it.
fuck4847837923-9: you're exactly right, I had to make sure my program A could interface with program B. Program B has a demo option where it takes the same time as a live account to execute trades, but they're fake trades.
PixelOrange: OP delivers!
Thanks man. Glad everything worked out well for you. Be careful!
Hey, at least you didn't bring down the customer facing website for a Fortune 500 company. I knocked it out for an hour and a half once. That's like a million dollars down the toilet.
fuck4847837923-9: what happened after that? did they fire you?
PixelOrange: No, I still work there. I didn't even get reprimanded. It happened during an approved change window. Technically, several groups were involved in the screw up. It was like a big domino set. Had any one of us not screwed up, it would have been fine, but since we all screwed up it went down.
We use two mirrored network points to serve our data. That way, if one is down, the other can take the traffic. They were supposed to switch which one was active and did not. First mistake.
The area that assigns us work gave me the wrong task based on bad data from the network team. When it knocked stuff offline, they asked me to revert immediately instead of letting me finish what I was working on. Second mistake.
When I applied what I was working on, it caused another outage. No one involved me for an hour. Third mistake.
Basically, I just got asked a bunch of questions. One of my coworkers and I went through every single action I took for the entire night and documented it. Like, minute by minute of everything I did. Then we gave it to my manager, the directors, and everyone else who wanted it. Then the people who assigned me the work went to bat for me and said, "He never should have been put in that position. We asked him to do too much stuff at once and he lost track. Could have happened to anyone."
Never heard anything after that.
fuck4847837923-9: It doesn't sound like it was your mistake then, heh. Not nearly as big a screw up as mine.
I feel really bad about it still. I'm calling the client again today and offering to add all kinds of bells and whistles to his software for free, and to also offer him to do any new work that he needs for free.
PixelOrange: Well, all of those contributed to the breaking of the site. It was my actual change that broke it. As soon as I reverted the change, it was fine. It's hard to explain without going into more detail but basically it was pretty similar to what you did. You were working on one thing, switched to the other thing for just a minute and didn't realize that by switching you also broke this other piece.
Before you contact the client again, call a lawyer and get their opinion. The guy has already let you off the hook and being further reminded of it may cause him to change his mind. Not to mention if you get in the habit of giving out work for free he could abuse that privilege. Shit happens.
The most I would do is offer him free troubleshooting for life.
fuck4847837923-9: Well, actually, this client happens to be part of my family as well (not very closely, but we're related). I don't think he will get a lawyer or get me killed, as some people are saying. We're in fact quite good friends. I'm sure that's played a part in him laughing it off. That's why I feel the worse about it.
PixelOrange: I'm glad that you have that going for you but money and family rarely ever mix well. Like oil and water, those two.
All I'm saying is that lawyer consultations are typically free. Call one up, tell them exactly what happened and then say, "Do you think I should offer any further services or just let it go?" You waste an hour or so of your time and get some mental relief.
How loaded is your distant family member that 20K is just "meh, that sucks."?
Also, what did you code your product using? Is this something you do for a living?
fuck4847837923-9: Yeah, I am a professional software dev. This kind of thing's never happened before.
PixelOrange: What language do you use? Some sort of object oriented, I assume, since you've made a front end. C++?
Do you only do freelance?
fuck4847837923-9: I used Java with SWT. And yeah, I freelance. Why?
| 23 | 86.521739 | |
1381923847 | 1381976658 | null | t5_2to41 | 73 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting my cat have his way with a stuffed animal.
So last night when I got home from work, wifey tells me a story about the cat playing oddly with a stuffed elephant we won from a claw crane machine (I'm fairly good at those). He starts biting at it, then proceeds to try and hump it. It isn't as large as him, and he bites the neck, so he couldn't get his weiner to touch it despite multiple tries. We're both laughing pretty damn hard for like five minutes. After a good little bit he happened to drop down for just like 2 seconds to where his crotch hit the sheet. I go "omg no, he's gonna get friction!" And pick him up by the scruff to toss him out of our room. I was too late, small puddle of cat jizz on my sheet.
I guess we needed to do sheet laundry anyway.
chagoi: I lost it at friction. Sorry about your sheets man!
Fgmaniac: Don't be sorry, everyone knows cat semen has medicinal properties.
OP try mixing it with cayenne powder and chocolate milk, it's better than Viagra!
ilookasianinmorning: Dude how the fuck do you know this??just why...
TheTokeSTK: that comment made me laugh sooo hard holy shit
| 5 | 14.6 | |
1381927004 | 1381954314 | null | t5_2to41 | 56 | [deleted]: TIFU by ruining my fiance's relationship with all of her friends.
2 weeks ago I proposed to my girlfriend (for the sake of this TIFU, her name will be Sam) on vacation. She said yes. She’s only human.
When we got back from said vacation, there was a distinct lack of messages of congratulations from her friends. I thought that was odd but put it down to them wanting to congratulate her in person. Several days came and went and still nothing.
There were plans made for her to meet up with her girlfriends one Tuesday evening, but that was cancelled due to a suspicious amount of contradictory excuses. In the end, Sam decided to go round the house of her best friend (lets call her Kay) one night after work to say hello and catch up. She went round, came back an hour or so later annoyed/upset as at no point whilst she was there did Kay even mention the engagement. She put this down to a combination of silly female jealousy and a slight fallout she had with one of her friends on her birthday night out (where the friend, with a history of eating problems, apparently intentionally overate and thus complained of stomach cramps with the intent to go home). Her decision was to let sleeping dogs lie and wait it out. They have spats like this all the time, and usually after a few days or even weeks everyone forgets the issue and are friends again.
Unfortunately, I didn't see it that way.
This was meant to be the happiest news of her life so far, and not a single one of her close friends had so much as bothered to send a text message. I lost it, picked up my phone and wrote a message to the two friends in my phonebook: Kay and another who for a reason which is beyond me is looked upon as some great icon within the group, despite having the emotional mindset of a 5 year old. Let’s call her Jane.
I saw red and I began to type. “Call yourself ‘friends’?” I said, “This is meant to be the happiest news and you can’t even be bothered to send a text” I continued, gathering more and more vicious, toxic steam. I accused Kay of being manipulated by Jane because for whatever reason she had decided that Sam had to be punished. In my text to Jane, I sarcastically congratulated her, saying, “Well done, you’ve got what you wanted: [fiancé] is devastated”. I could continue, but I can’t fully remember what else I said. Rest assured, it was pure bile.
I sent the texts, somehow convincing myself that upon reading them, Kay and Jane would suddenly realise they are acting like children and get in touch with Sam and everything will be fixed.
Nope.
Not five minutes later there was a bang at the door. It was Kay. Shaking, crying and furious with anger at what I said to her. It was now that I was starting to realise that my message probably wasn’t the most sensible of actions, especially as she said nobody had done anything because they were planning a surprise party that Sunday (something which I am still convinced was a lie). After a lot of shouting, Kay went home and Sam spoke to Jane on the phone. Believe it or not, she wasn’t best pleased with the message she received either. It was during that conversation that something came up that I didn’t expect: everything negative that I said would only have been a result of stuff that Sam had told me. So now not only was I public enemy #1 for saying that, but Sam was equally as hated as they think she has been badmouthing them in private (I didn’t want to comment on the blatant hypocrisy as they all do it).
So yeah. It’s been 9 days since I sent the messages. Sam hasn’t had any contact with any of her close circle of friends since that night, and the general consensus is that isn’t going to be changing any time soon.
TL:DR Sent aggressive and hateful text message to fiance’s friends, very likely ruining her friendship with all of them.
Cuntmuncher69: Good luck man It will get better over time.
StacheBox: This guy ^^ know how to make it up to her!!
Cuntmuncher69: 💋
| 4 | 14 | |
1381922484 | 1381948993 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | [deleted]: TIFU By using the wrong light bulb.
The lamp I used as main lighting in my room was rated to use light bulbs no hotter than 60 watts. After a few years of not checking the bulb, and simply replacing it when they burned out, I started thinking that the lamp was rated for higher than it actually was. So for the last couple of years I have been using a 150 watt bulb in my lamp...
And this morning it got so hot it melted. I had to pick glass out of my bed all morning.
InsidiousStapler: Ohh... This brings back memories.. When I was a kid I put a smaller lightbulb than was intended in my lamp. It was one of those clear bulbs if that makes a difference, don't know what wattage. Anyway, the thing didn't fit properly.. So I turned it on anyway... bad idea. The thing exploded, my lamp caught on fire and I freaked the hell out, yelled for my mom who (luckily she could tell by my distressed voice at the time something was wrong) ran in an grabbed the lamp that was now a torch and threw it outside.. She looked at me and just said next time there's a fire, yell fire.. She then proceeded to pour water on the lamp and I felt like a dumbass.
forksporkspoon: I'll just put this over here with the rest of the fire.
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1381909762 | 1382012764 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | hiryuu1115: TIFU by baking over-confidently.
I enjoy baking for friends, and the request that I received was a pumpkin cheesecake. I was feeling overconfident and made the crust without measuring things and apparently put too much butter in. I compounded the issue by not baking the cheesecake in a water bath because I thought I had the method down and my temperatures correct.
As a result, the excess butter melted out of the pan, onto the floor of my oven. The butter proceeded to burn, and my condo looks like Snoop Lion enjoyed all 81 of his daily blunts at once. Predictably, the fire alarm went off, my neighbors are upset with me for waking up their young children and my cheesecake is ass. Today, I fucked up.
UltimaVirus: I am not a very good baker, either... oh the stories I could tell you.
CEDFTW: Care to share?
UltimaVirus: Tried to make whiskey balls, added too much whiskey.
Tried to make key lime pie, made key lime soup.
Tried to make bread #1, made lumpy dough.
Tried to make bread #2, made lumpy nasty.
Tried to make bread #3, turned out fantastic!
Tried to make bread #4, turned out lumpy, half-cooked. I went to throw it away, tore off a final chunk and ate it. It tasted great, but I just threw the whole thing away.
| 4 | 10 | |
1381936757 | 1381937998 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | Thefakeblahman: TIFU by taking a coworkers hat
A little back story first. I have known this coworker for a whole. We uses to work at a call center together and we got along great. So we find out we're working together again we picked up where we left off.
So today I finishing up loading her truck and I walk into the office as she's walking out and I playfully grab her hat and started to walk away. I was about to turn around to give her hat back and she had grabbed me by the good and held my head down like a hockey player would. I give her back her hat and requested to one of my bosses to have me leave(which I was already doing). Anyways I apologize and she just shrugs it off. Half hour later I get a call from my main boss asking what happened and I told him. Then he asked me if I had made derogatory remarks to her, I said yes but in play. Then he asked if I had made any sexual remarks to her and I also said yes but in play. I also mentioned to him that she had asked me personally to stop with the derogatory and sexual comments because I had gone to far and she was starting to get offended. I told him that I had told her I would stop and I did.
So now I am a little freaked out about what'll happen next..
Fgmaniac: It's not taking the hat, it's the derogatory comments.
In other situations, it would've been a flirt, in yours, it would be an asshole not getting the hint and persistently trying to get a reaction.
She either thinks you are a total douche, or knows that you're a total douche.
Next time, if someone tells you they're "starting" to get offended, they're probably already offended. You should have apologized and bailed, just left her alone for the rest of the day.
Thefakeblahman: She had asked me to stop about 2-3weeks ago and when she did ask I did apologize to her and bailed. And I will admit the taking of her hat was a douche move, but I didn't expect the reaction I got.
| 3 | 1 | |
1381941866 | 1382026588 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | Kate96320: TIFU in just a matter of minutes
So, we have a little pond in our garden with a few goldfishes. I was home alone and i went outside to check up on my rabbit and my chickens (to make sure everything was okay for the night). When I walked past the pond I saw one goldfish lying upside down at the surface. assuming he was dead I reached over and of course my brand new phone falls into the quite blurry water. Needless to say I panicked and put my whole arm directly into the water. After about 3 min I managed to grab my phone, by that time my sleeve was soaking wet. And by my sleeve I mean my whatusedtobewhite-sleeve of my new and quite expensive shirt. Now it is covered in goopy brown stuff that won't get off. My phone is almost peeing water at this moment and I suddenly remember a lifehack that I read this site once (the put your phone in rice-lifehack). So, running to the kitchen, grabbing the pack of rice out of the cabinet, somehow ripping the bottom open and spilling it all over the floor. I gathered some of the rice together and put it in a bowl with my phone. Then I grabbed the vacuum and started vacuuming the rice things, right in front of our stove which had a kettle of boiling soup on it. Somehow I managed to knock the kettle over and causing it to spill all over my leg that is now burned pretty hard. Rushed upstairs to the shower so I could let some cold water stream over it, turned on the wrong tap and got a nice potion of steaming hot water over my already burned leg. So at this point I wouldn't mind if you would come to kill me.
tl;dr: dropped my phone into the water, ruined my new phone and shirt, try to minimize the damage, spill rice all over the place and burn myself twice
edit: here are 2 pics (one of my phone swimming in a bowl of rice and one of the fish that was lying upside down) http://imgur.com/a/PMEYo
BreakfastWithReddit: Pics or it didn't happen. (I'm not trying to sound like a douche, but this fuck-up sounds way too good to be true)
Kate96320: http://imgur.com/a/PMEYo here are 2 pictures sir :)
BreakfastWithReddit: Thank you for the delivery!
Kate96320: You are welcome, it was a great honor ;)
| 5 | 5 | |
1381932533 | 1381997355 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | [deleted]: TIFU by making my girlfriend scared of me.
This just happened this morning at about 1 am. I'm at my gfs house and we start having sex. We're trying some new positions and I suggested before that we do this position where she's on her stomach and I'm on top, she said she was up for it, so we tried it. Everything seemed fine til the end. She just seemed upset so I tried to it out of her, just asking her but she didn't budge. I kept asking then eventually she said it felt like someone was raping her and now she's scared of me, I'm scared to even touch her now. Please help I don't know what to do.
TL;DR:Tried new sex position, gf scared I'll rape/hurt her . please ignore the lower case Tifu my texting app sucks ass. Also, I forgot to make a throwaway until it was too late, but this is important so I don't care.
Edit:thank you all for the advice, she says she's not scared of me anymore and it was just last night. So I guess we'll see what happens, she seems fine though right now.
shortfermata: Oh man, dude. I don't know what to say. Definitely apologize to her somehow.
Try consulting [r/sex](http://www.reddit.com/r/sex) or [r/relationships](http://www.reddit.com/r/relationships). I don't know what would help mend this, but they might.
SampritB: Apologise for what exactly?
MarbledNightmare: For asking to try something that unintentionally upset her. Not necessarily a "its my fault" apology, rather a "i'm here for you if you want to talk about it" apology.
shortfermata: ^ That. A comforting sort of way. Acknowledge her feelings, listen to her as long as it takes. Personally, I would ask if she would be comfortable enough to hug afterwards, as much as that hurts. Just be considerate.
| 5 | 5 | |
1381937116 | 1382122775 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | turnktail: TIFU By putting my backpack down
The day started off nice and I had woken up ealry. I had extra time to get ready for school so I got all my textbooks ready and packed my lunch. Got my shoes and backpack and set them in the hallway next to the door so I could grab them on the way out. With 30 extra minutes I sat down and looked at reddit. When the time came to leave i got my stuff and put on my backpack. It was... wet? At first I assumed it was just grape juice from my lunch, but when I gave it the old fasion sniff test I realized it was dog piss. My dog likes to pee in that hallway when nobody is awake to take her out at three in the mornging. While I was on reddit my backpack was soaking up the pee like a sponge. Throughout the day people have been asking "whats that smell?" but no one has found out it was my backpack. Everything in my backpack, or at least everything at the bottom, has a terrible piss oder to it. Worst of all are my pencils, which I won't be lending out anymore.
TL;DR- Layed down my backpack in dog piss, it became wet and has a terrible smell of urine, and has covered almost everything in my backpack.
cheml0vin: Soak it in vinegar and wash as usual. I can't speak to the contents of the backpack, but vinegar should help that ammonia smell.
Source: owner of a cat that likes to pee on my husband's stuff
turnktail: Thanks for the tip, but its old and ripped up so I was going to get a new one sooner or later.
| 3 | 11.333333 | |
1381899157 | 1381967132 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | xDontRun: TIFU by scaring a girl half to death
Hey guys,
So this girl and I have become friends this past semester, as we are in the same class and sit together every day. I don't know everything about her, but still, I feel like an asshole for what happened earlier.
So we agreed to meet in the library to get some work done together, and she was already there when I was coming in. I found where she was (I'm approaching from behind) and thought it would a great freaking idea if I went up and gently patted her on the shoulder to let her know I was there.
Fuck. That. She let out a huge shriek, alerting every one arounnd that I was, in fact, an asshole. Plus, her friend was there too, great first impression to make too! Now I know she doesn't handle surprise too well, but I still felt horrible...she said it was fine, but it's totally my fault. Never pulling that stunt again with her, that's for sure.
tldr; tapped girl's shoulder in quiet library, broke the sound barrier.
SampritB: _What?_ That's her fault reacting when someone taps you on the shoulder, which is kind of a universal way of getting someone's attention.
xDontRun: That's what I thought man. I was honestly confused as to what I did that was so strange, but eh. Maybe she's had a bad experience or something. I just felt bad to make this girl scared, whether I meant to or not. she said it happens somewhat often so now I know.
Women..
| 3 | 3 | |
1381960074 | 1381975740 | null | t5_2to41 | 47 | thatonecommunist: TIFU by explaining GTA V to a friend
A friend and i were walking down the street the other day. He was telling me about how you can flip people off in GTA V. (I dont own the game so i didnt know). I saw a roosterteeth video on how they do "the air jerk off" to each other. Right as i was going through the motion to demonstrate, A mother with three kids walks right in front off me. She stared at me awkwardly for a few seconds, and continued.
grizzedram: > Today I briefly made an ass of myself
Fixed your title
thatonecommunist: That would be a little better.
| 3 | 15.666667 | |
1381965762 | 1382017944 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | sawat: TIFU by helping a kitten
So my boss at work drives a jeep, and most days he leaves the top of it off. Well there is a bad problem with people letting their cats roam about and they will climb into his jeep and piss all over the seats. My boss sets a trap up every night with cat food and we trap a cat every few days and call the animal shelter to come pick it up. Well today I was going to be driving to near the animal shelter on my route around town checking stuff out, so I just said I'd take the cat with me. It was actually a pretty cute little Siamese kitten, probably around 10 weeks old. I loaded it up in the bed of the pickup and drove off. It was coldish outside, about 50 degrees and the cat was meowing and shivering so I felt bad for it. I made him a pallet in the passenger floor board and took him out of the cage and let him sit there.
After about 2 minutes of driving the kitten got up and found that the truck had a tiny opening allowing the cat to crawl into the dash. I pull over and start trying to look for it, it was no where to be found, the entry curved and there was no telling where it had crawled to. So I start to kind of panic thinking "Oh shit the kitten is going to get lost or caught up in the dash and die, and my boss is going to be pissed that the work truck reeks of dead animal." I kept on going around town doing what I needed to do, occasionally I'd hear a meow coming from the dash. Eventually I saw a paw stick out of a crack near the glove box about 3 inches where the kitten had gone it. I looked under it and saw him, but he was perched on top of all kinds of wires so I couldn't get him down.
I finally made it to the shelter and asked if they could give me a can of cat food to bait him out. I got in and set it in the floor board and continued on. After 5 minutes the kitten had came out of the dash and is in the floorboard, but he is uninterested in the food. I pulled over the truck on the side of the highway to grab the kitten. He freaked the fuck out and ran under the passenger seat. I got out and went over to pick him up to put him back in the cage. After messing with him, I finally got him out from under the seat. Only problem is the kitten took off right out the door, into a field where a farmer had a crop planted. I could have gone after him and caught him, but the field was muddy and at the time I thought the dumbass cat made his own bed. I doubt that kitten is going to be able to fend for himself in the country side, but we can hope. I'm sorry cat, I tried to help you, but I fucked up.
aido727: Instead of kidnapping the neighbourhood cats for the animal shelters profit/ransom, maybe someone could have just closed the damn roof?
Someone just lost a kitten because of this. Not sure anything here was "helping"
IshJecka: It was probably a stray.
aido727: Still no reason to be baiting and trapping cats when you can just close the roof
kj432: Maybe if people would keep their dang animals inside. Cat also scratch paint when they climb on vehicles.
aido727: It's an animal, why would I trap it inside?
| 6 | 3.666667 | |
1381967435 | 1381979110 | null | t5_2to41 | 234 | NefastVoltaire: TIFU by bending over in the hallway at work.
What you think happened didn't happen.
I am a teacher. I dropped some papers at work and started to bend to pick them up. At the same moment, a student comes barreling down the hall at top speed and his shoulder collides with my face.
My vision swims for a moment and when I come up I realize I'm laying flat on my back and there's a web of white in front of my left eye. It's my glasses-the lens got a bunch of cracks in. I sit up and what seems to be the entire student body is staring at me. My nose is bleeding. I get helped up.
'Are you okay?' I'm asked.
'I've had worse.' I pick up my papers and go to the nearest washroom to survey the damage.
Glasses broken (Ray Ban's), teeth loose, bloody nose, and cheek swollen up like a bitch and eye a nice shade of purple under the spider-web lens.
Fifteen minutes later I'm sitting at my desk with ice on my face. Such is life.
TL;DR: Today I fucked up by bending over. Today student fucked up by running into me with his big beefy quarterback shoulder. -.-
Mr_Evil_MSc: So, that's a criminal charge, right?
Edit: why is this at -4 now? It was a legit question, it got an interesting, valuable answer and furthered the whole post. That further facts make it look bad is not significant, since it got tjosr facts out for us all. You folks don't do reddit well...
NefastVoltaire: I wouldn't be interested in taking one up against him-it was an accident and he apologized.
Mr_Evil_MSc: Oh, fair enough. That sucks though...
NefastVoltaire: He offered me a ride home after, since it's a known fact I walk back and forth... It sucks, yeah, but he's a good kid.
[deleted]: Does your school not have a "no running in the hallways" policy? I remember my school's security guards were sticklers about that rule, probably to prevent accidents like this one.
NefastVoltaire: It does, but it's hard to enforce at times like lunch. The teachers usually hang out in the areas where students hang out, so in the hall-ways it's easier to get away with stuff.
| 7 | 33.428571 | |
1381976370 | 1382134886 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | lost_and_shit_found: TIFU by accidentally posting my soon to be ex-girlfriends number on /r/teenagers
**Post copied and pasted from my post to /r/teenagers with the user removed:**
Some of you may know who I am based on my username. (You lovely people on /r/TIFU won't)I am posting from this account so that it doesn't appear on that account's activity. But we will get into that later.
It all starts with a sad fact. The fact that I was soon going to break up with my girlfriend. So I decided, like any reasonable person, to post about it on Reddit. To my dismay, one of the pictures contained a number, and said number was in fact my girlfriend's.
Time slowed down, I frantically started entering my log in details so I could delete the post before it was seen. But too late...
Here is where it all gets interesting. /u/<username censored> decides to text my girlfriend about my plans to break up. Oh, that and my reddit account. Hence the throwaway. Hold on to your horses folks because we are in for a bumpy ride. After many, *many* frantic PMs back and forth he finally convinced me that he wasn't lying and that I, in fact, was in deep shit.
With baited breath, I texted my girlfriend, "Do you want to talk?".
Her only response? "Do you have a redditt account?"
Fuck.
Fuck everything. Fuck /u/<username censored>. Fuck the world.
Fingers shaking I tell the truth. About the accidental post, that is. I ended the conversation with, "I'll talk to you tomorrow in person"
Now the moral of the story? "What is this crazy guy trying to tell us?", you might ask. "Is /u/<username censored> an enormous dick?"
I say no. I've talked to him in great depth and he seems like a genuinely fine person. He was remorseful and kind.
I have actually come to terms with things, and now, oddly enough, I am relatively grateful. Now I can't pussy out tomorrow.
On that note. Goodnight.
LawAbidingCriminaI: There's a subreddit for Teenagers?
THEN WHY THE FUCK DON'T THEY ALL POST THERE INSTEAD OF WRITING STUPID COMMENTS ON MY FRONTPAGE!!!
[deleted]: You know, reddit's terms of service say the minimum age is 13.
BulletproofMuffin: So what?
[deleted]: Why should you complain about a site that allows teenagers having teenagers on it?
| 5 | 5.2 | |
1381978129 | 1382237392 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | ObsessiveDelusion: TIFU by eating an entire brick of cheese in one day
I decided it would be a great idea to cut up an entire brick of cheese and eat it with chips and salsa on Sunday.. Worst idea I could have possibly imagined involving cheese... Sharp stomach pains, gas, bloating, this is some grade A constipation. Best part is I have a speech in the morning, I have this terrible feeling that the big, bad, brown snake is going to find it's way to the exit at the worst possible time.
tl;dr - don't eat huge amounts of cheese, it will create immobile masses of fecal matter that cause problems..
NefastVoltaire: Your farts won't make noise for a while after dropping that.
I suggest you make good use of that super-power while it lasts.
ObsessiveDelusion: This has already begun, I'm convinced that there is a blockage so severe that only fowl stench, without any pressure, is able to get through...
blasphemicassault: Coconut oil is also a really good cleaner! Make sure you have some time on your hands, though. It will unleash a nasty wave of fecal soup. But at least it'll flush you right out.
[deleted]: Do you just drink it?
blasphemicassault: You can just eat it by the spoonful, or add it to food.
[deleted]: I bake with it but I am sure that doesn't have the same affect. Thanks for the tip!!
| 7 | 4.571429 | |
1381984779 | 1381990705 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | throwaway22981: TIFU by getting high
hey guys today i really messed up, ok so i sit by this girl in class and we have developed a relationship over the last couople of weeks and i was planning on asking her out, but today things got weird... so today she wasnt at school and i was texting her durring class and everything was going well, but then durring lunch i decided to go home and get super high and when i was high i called her and she didnt pick up and i caled multiple times and still no awnser so tomorrow how do i make things not so weird?
derpfluxx: i feel like i would need to know more, but you could say you were worried about her, idk i never call people when im high, i just get too worried they will get upset with me :/
throwaway22981: yeah i would have never called her if i was not high, but someone told me to just tell her i was super high and she'll understand.
Ghotiyz: WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT DO THIS.
source: I too fucked up once
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1381983493 | 1382019056 | null | t5_2to41 | 85 | disco_sushi: TIFU by forgetting I used my crock pot.
In the grand scheme of fuck-ups, this one is relatively minor. But here it is anyway.
Reddit, I hate cooking. The fact that we need to eat to survive is something I view as an inconvenience. If science could develop some sort of tablet that provided us with all our needed nutrients and calories I would be a happy camper. As such, easy recipes are a must.
Enter the crock pot.
It took me six years of living on my own (parents never used one growing up) to discover the possibilities, but once I did, I was hooked. Just pile some meat and veggies into that sumbitch, go to sleep, and have meals for days. Fuck. Yes.
What I'm assuming happened (I don't exactly remember) is this:
It's Monday morning. I'm running late for work. I shovel some crock pot-y goodness into a tupperware container for lunch and dump the rest into another for the days to come. I put the lid back on my pot and go.
My week is busy. I work full time and do quite a bit of volunteering on the side. Maybe I came home Monday night and said, "I'll clean you tomorrow, crock pot."
But tomorrow never came. The crock pot disappeared into the corner of my counter, obscured by newly purchased bottles of wine. I tired of my diet of slow cooked meals and regressed to my old habits of baking things in my toaster oven and putting avocado on them. The pot was forgotten.
Fast forward to today (what I'm approximating to be six weeks or so later). I'm leaving for work, running late, as usual. The crock pot catches the corner of my eye. A knot forms in my stomach as the reality of the situation hits me. I peer into its depths and gasp at the landscape before me.
The walls are covered by a soft coating of blue mold, cascading down into a congealed mass of brain tissue-esque fungi. A brown, syrupy sheen reflects off the crock pot floor. Overcome by anger, regret, and horror, I leave for work, vowing to slay the beast when I come home.
It haunted me, TIFU. I couldn't get the image out of my mind. For nine hours of work and one hour of spin class I considered my plan of attack.
As I pulled up to my apartment, I was ready. As fate would have it, I work in a tuberculosis clinic. Like many infectious disease professionals, I carry an N95 mask in my bag. (N95 masks are designed to filter out 95% of small particles in the air.) I strapped it on and stuck a tea bag in there for good measure (it helps with the smell). My cat looked on in horror as I donned my rubber gloves.
I removed the lid and let the crock pot fill with hot water. The congealed mass of mold floated to the top and slipped out. As I leaned over my sink to poke it down the drain the smell hit me. I took a step back and let the tea bag do its job. Once the aroma of green ginger tea had cancelled out the month old vomit like stench of god knows what, I returned to my task.
The pot now sits in my sink, soaking in a bath of dish soap and water. My kitchen is coated in a fine mist of Febreze, and my cat does not understand why we are not playing laser pointer. So, I'll end my story here, and hope to christ that I don't let anything in my kitchen get that fucking disgusting ever again.
TL;DR: forgot to clean my crock pot, pot filled up with nasty ass mold.
vlovesf: I would have ditched the whole damn thing into a big black trashbag, said my goodbyes and never looked back at the dumpster while driving off to go buy another. Every time I looked at that thing I would envision the mold staring at me and trying to communicate.
PDvaughn147: Yup. Me too. I've done this with countless Tupperware containers that have sat in the fridge.
disco_sushi: I'll do that with tupperware containers as well but I'd rather not spend the money on a new slow cooker.
| 4 | 21.25 | |
1381989061 | 1382051948 | null | t5_2to41 | 3,723 | [deleted]: TIFU by agreeing to try out a new fetish with my husband.
My husband and I just had a baby a few months ago and we haven't been able to take a sexy shower together for quite some time. We finally got the baby to sleep and snuck away to have some much needed shower sex. We were so excited. Right when we were getting ready to go nuts on each other he stops me and asks if I would be into something new. He wanted to pee on me. Fuck it, why not? As long as I get to pee on him at the same time. So this glorious golden shower of pent up sexual frustration that of a couple of teenagers, commenced. Then...it hit us. Our innocent giggling turned into violent coughing as we began gasping for air. During our sex crazed excitement we failed to remember the few bundles of asparagus we both ate for dinner. WHY?! Why today?! The stench was similar to the breath of a 15 year old Labrador that only ate fritos and compost it's entire life. The water was hot. Really hot and it felt like we were in the middle of a corn nuts and piss filled humidifier. The mood was destroyed instantly and once we could breathe again we couldn't stop laughing. We got cleaned up and as soon as we got out our asshole baby woke up. So much for sex. We really are the worst.
Tl;dr husband and I hot boxed our sexy shower Time with asparagus urine.
bravo90: "our asshole baby woke up" Hahahahahahaha
MamaDaddy: Infants are tyrants. The worst boss you will ever work for, but you love the job, and then they turn into something that loves you back. Parenthood is weird.
vlarn: Most interesting thing for me in becoming an adult was hearing parents bad mouth their kids. Had no idea when I was a child that parents could be so honest about their own children. Just because you love someone unconditionally doesn't mean you won't call them out on their shit.
MamaDaddy: I have found that the best parents are honest ones. If a parent thinks their kid can do no wrong and just pukes rainbows all the time, there's gonna be problems. Best way is to admit reality and work on the things you need to correct.
teknoise: My kid puked rainbows once, but those were rainbows made of partially digested birthday cake. Happy first birthday!
MamaDaddy: Too many skittles: puke the rainbow.
CheshireDoctor: False, puking up skittles looks more like black and green gunk.
Source: I've puked up a pound of skittles before.
IntrinsicSurgeon: You should start a program where you puke up various foods and then share the results with inquiring minds.
CheshireDoctor: As much as that would be interesting. I enjoy my esophagus.
IntrinsicSurgeon: Psh. Diva over here.
CheshireDoctor: I'm so much of a diva people make accounts just to tell me how much I suck. /u/cheshiredoctorsucks
IntrinsicSurgeon: Hey, that's just dedication.
CheshireDoctor: Fair enough.
| 14 | 265.928571 | |
1381997403 | 1382101643 | null | t5_2to41 | 37 | chemeketakid: TIFU and shit on my hat.
I'm a US Navy Sailor, which means I wear a uniform at work. This uniform has a hat (spoken "cover") associated with it, which I am not normally allowed to wear inside. The normal way to keep your cover with you for this uniform is to put it in a cargo pocket at your knee; my current supervisor (who I will just call Chief) doesn't like that method. Chief prefers that we tuck the brim of the cover into the back of our waistband.
I had just shown up for work. There was a little abdominal grumbling, but nothing, I thought, that couldn't wait. We gathered in ranks, then our superiors started to give out information.
>"We will be taking the watch with conditions as follows..."
>"There is maintenance ongoing at the following locations..."
>"We had an issue with procedural compliance yesterday..."
>"Safety is Paramount..."
>"In a few minutes the Lieutenant will be here to talk to you about..."
>"All of us must remain accountable..."
This went on for some time; Chief had mustered us early to put out some extra information. The abdominal grumbling was getting worse; once Chief dismissed us, there would definitely be some urgent travel to the head.
Thirty minutes later: "Words from the crew? Nothing? Attention to quarters! Relieve the watches."
I didn't have a watch to relieve, so that was my signal to sprint to the head. I reached a stall, slammed the door shut, and threw down my trousers as I sat. The relief was great, the sound was horrifying, and the stench was like the sound. After the sense of urgency died down, I glanced down toward my boots. Something in the toilet bowl caught my eye.
Oh. Oh no. Sitting in the water, soaked and with an ugly little mudpie on top of it, was my cover.
At that point, the best I could do was fish it out, try my best to fling the shit off of it into the bowl, and wash it off in the basin used to fill mop buckets. A few hours on top of a heater vent, and it was dry. No perceptible odor.
**TL;DR** I was in a rush to shit, my hat fell into the water before my shit did.
[deleted]: I would seriously consider just throwing it away and saying that I lost/misplaced it.
I'm guessing there's a pretty bad punishment for losing it, though.
chemeketakid: Not particularly; I'd need to buy a new one. I'd have a good deal of explaining to do if I wanted to throw it away at work; I need a cover to walk around outside.
| 3 | 12.333333 | |
1382000115 | 1382319713 | null | t5_2to41 | 39 | canobiecrazy: TIFU by sleeping 10 hours instead of 2.
It was a half day at my school today. I woke up as normal, at 6:30 in the morning. Ereyesterday, I had pulled an all nighter, and yesterday, I fell asleep at 2 AM. I was pretty tired, but I could deal with it. I was going to just take a nap for a few hours, It was 6:30 in the morning, and I didn't have school until 11:30 AM.
I crawl into bed, and, knowing myself, I wake up every few hours to readjust. I would set my watch to beep, but I felt that, for sure, I would have woken up. On days like this, my parents call me to make sure I don't sleep through it, anyway. I close my eyes and fall sleep very quickly.
I wake up, and after moving around a bit and unswaddling myself from the blankets, I suddenly notice that it is dark. "Oh fuck, what time is it?" I fumble with the button on my watch that activates the backlight. I finally press it.
"6:45"
oh. my. god.
I start freaking out, trying to make it look like I went to school so I won't get in trouble. I throw my backpack in the kitchen, and my shoes next to it. Before I can get in the shower, my mom comes home.
"What the fuck, canobiecrazy, are you *trying* to flunk out of school? You know that this was your 7th time."
Then I realize, staring dumbstruck at my mom, that this *was* my 7th absence. I'm going to fail all of my classes because of it, unless I can get some excused. I'm really upset at myself right now. I stay home a lot, because I get bad anxiety, and some days I just can't make it into school. Also, because I have sleep problems, and when you haven't slept in 48+ hours, you don't get much work done in school. I don't have doctors notes for that kind of absence, even though they make up all the other 6, due to their nature.
I don't know what to do at this point. I'm going to talk to my guidance counselor, because I don't even see a therapist or doctor about this anymore(that's another story :/)
tl;dr: failed all of my classes 1st quarter of senior year because I didn't wake up from a nap.
inevitabled34th: Bro, this happens to me all the time. Whenever I decide to "fuck sleep" and stay up all night, and then get "just a *few* hours of sleep", instead of regular sleeping, my body says "fuck you, **Grizzly Bear Hibernation Mode Engaged**" and I sleep for at least 10 hours.
Roert42: thats funny because on a regular basis i like to sleep at least 11/12hrs at a time if not more. obviously i can only sleep like 6/7hrs but when i get the chance i will. I just find it strange that 10hrs is a long time to sleep for you.
inevitabled34th: Nah, i usually get between 4-9 hours a night. Long for me is usually between 13-18.
marmitebread: Well 18 is a fucking long time no matter who you are.
| 5 | 7.8 | |
1381990870 | 1382437130 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | JuniorCrab: TIFU By trusting a fart at a football game.
I had been having some stomach pains all day then they went away for a couple hours me and my friend went to a ball game we were walking then some stomach pains then i felt like i had to fart real bad i let it happen then i shit myself i clenched real hard i said to my friend "Dude i just crapped my pants" he said oh shit we walked home and its a real bad idea to walk home when you shit yourself i took a shower and the rest of the day i prayed for it to not happen again.
xDontRun: This reads like a Hemingway novel haha.
Caspern: Indeed...no commas.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1382023093 | 1382387033 | null | t5_2to41 | 127 | maximilianec: TIFU by revealing my kindergarten teacher's tattoos
This didn't happen today, but is still a great story nonetheless. So when I was in kindergarten, I had this pretty hot teacher and I knew this even when I was a kindergartener. She was in her late 20s and the whole class loved her. But she was infamous for having a couple tattoos and would reveal them if she bent down or rolled up a sleeve. So one day she decided that she would give out washable tattoos as a prize if you got a math question right. So when we were done with this, she still had like a sheet left and decided to give them out regardless if you got a question right or not. She seemed to misplace them and asked the class "Could somebody help me find my tattoos?" So me being the smart ass I was, I lifted the back of her shirt, revealing her tramp stamp and yelled "FOUND THEM!" She got really fucking pissed and put me in timeout for the rest of the day. She would later forgive me and continue being one of the best teachers I ever had.
AnalOverload: Up vote for knowing what a tramp stamp was from kindergarten
cuprous_veins: I heard the British call them 'slag tags.'
MrDaydream: in Germany it is "Arschgeweih" which translates to "Ass Antlers"
MostEpicRedditor: In German, there is literally a word for everything.
maximilianec: *Sitzpinkler* (noun) Man who sits while urinating
| 6 | 21.166667 | |
1382028229 | 1382050526 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | 7dare: TIFU by gettings involved in a fight then getting beat up in front of everyone
Yesterday I was the happiest boy that could be.
This evening I considered suicide. I got in a fight with some dude who is way weaker than me and that I hated for a long time. I got so stressed of the approximate 40 friends looking at us so I got really stressed up and he just beat me up without me actually trying to defend myself. I think the main thing I got wrong was showing my fear. My mouth was really dry.
Anyways I passed the "suicide" stage but I believe that I am going to be on the verge of tears tomorrow when I get asked about this fight I told everyone about.
There's an expression in French that could be translated to "brag higher than your ass hole". That's exactly what I did. I acted like I was though and could defeat him, but I just could not.
TheDemonClown: What exactly happened? Did he outfight you or did you literally not do a single thing once punches started getting thrown?
7dare: Well it started with just grabbing around and I felt like like I could win this but then he pushed me against a wall and threw me on the floor and started punching me. It did not hurt me.
TheDemonClown: >It did not hurt me.
And yet, you were considering suicide...
Honestly, just chalk it up as an off day & move on. Everyone takes an ass-kicking at some point. Maybe you should try getting in some actual martial arts or boxing training, though. That way, if you see the guy again & he tries running his mouth and looking for round 2, you can give him an off day.
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1382036737 | 1382065420 | null | t5_2to41 | 42 | [deleted]: TIFU and made one of my biggest fears as a student come true
I guess I'll start off by giving some context here. I'm a Sophomore Electrical Engineering student in a relatively rigorous program. Being that it's the middle of the fall, midterms have been popping up. On Wednesday I had a Physics midterm which I studied religiously for and nailed. It was a huge sigh of relief because it's the hardest class for me. I have pretty severe ADHD, so it's really hard to stay focused and study for exams. I felt proud and happy that I was able to pull it off, and rode that wave of studiousness that Wednesday night to join a study group run by my Circuits professor to knock out my homework quickly and accurately (which I did, which once again made me feel good).
Enter Differential Equations and Linear Algebra, stage left. You see, every week we have a minor quiz on Thursdays just to check up on how we are doing with the material/make sure we are doing the homework. Whenever this quiz is administered, my Diff Eq professor gives a short lecture first and then gives us the quiz. So today, I'm running a bit late (no biggie, right?) and figure I'm just gonna slide in the back, catch the lecture, and bang out the quiz. **WRONG**.
When I walk in I see everyone is working on a quiz. Okay, no panic, I'll just move quickly as I was only ten minutes late. That's when I get handed the quiz and I happen to notice the title was not "Quiz <Insert Quiz Number Here>", but rather EXAM. That's right, it was the midterm exam and I had fucking forgotten entirely. And, to make things even better, since there was no more seat space I had to sit up at the table the professor normally stands by while giving the lecture. Which meant I had the entire class watching me (at least somewhat) AND I had the professor standing behind me looking over my shoulder.
I gave it my best shot, but I had to leave 80% of the problems blank because I didn't even know where to begin. I'm totally fucked, Reddit. I sheepishly handed in the Exam to him early (because what else was I gonna do, pretend to think?) and asked him when he would be in his office tomorrow (time to beg for my grade). I'm hoping and praying that he'll be merciful and at least let me take the other version of the exam (there are two to prevent peeking/cheating) for diminished credit. I'm going to try and explain the situation to him, and he seems friendly enough, but if this doesn't work my GPA is gonna be dragged down so hard by this class. I already wasn't doing great (I think I was in the 78 range), and if I don't get credit this midterm is going to pull it down so far.
TL;DR: I forgot I had a midterm exam and I walked in late. The expected happened.
inevitabled34th: And this is one of the reasons why I opted for enlistment rather than education.
soggyfritter: Are you going to maybe seek education *after* enlistment?
inevitabled34th: prob not, maybe.
One of the reasons i joined military is because I tried a semester of school, but realized that i lacked the discipline and responsibility to go to school everyday and make sure that I did my work.
soggyfritter: Well I hope for your sake that the military helps teach you the discipline to go to school every day. It can be immensely rewarding in so many ways. I'm civilian, but my dad went to college on the GI bill (first in his family) and he says it did him a world of good.
| 5 | 8.4 | |
1382000246 | 1382140246 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | aaaaarg: TIFU by crashing my friend's car
**TLDR: Crashed a friend's car, foot the bill. Insure your cars people**
It happened yesterday, actually.
I borrowed a friend's car for the day. The owner then went to class. On the way, I picked up two others. There's two options to get from where I am to my destination: the highway or the back roads. The highway is faster, so naturally I went for it.
The traffic on that day was a somewhat dense. I maintained a safe distance to the car in front of me, kept left when possible, check my mirrors before switching lanes, used indicators, the whole lot. A few minutes in, the traffic began to pile. I saw the other lane is a bit empty, so I checked my mirrors and indicated. Keep in mind that the car in front of me before I switched lane was something like 3-4 cars' ahead.
Then my friend said "watch out." I looked forward. The fuck? The car has stopped already? Shit. Better man the brakes at full blast. I panicked (which I don't usually do when I'm driving). 2 cars' length was something like 20 or so meters. At 60km/h, a Nissan March *should* be able to stop dead. But not that day. In my panic, I didn't manage to shift down a few gears. Engine brake could help a bit. But no.
And the inevitable happened. Bumper to bumper collision. Engine bonnet twisted. Bumper hanging. The front end was a mess.
Long story short, the owner's brother showed up, inspected the damage, and told me to see his dad. So I went.
At the dad's place, all hell broke loose for me and the owner friend. He demanded that I fix both cars. No ifs and buts. He told me he wanted to speak with my parents. I called them.
My dad called me this morning. He said that he will foot the bill, providing my two mates would foot part of it as well. Still, a bit of light in the hour of darkness.
If you are wondering why none of the cars were insured, I live in a country where insurance is not mandatory. If you crash you crash, if you die in said accident you die.
kharmajavah: Out of curiosity, do you mind sharing which country? I'm surprised that there are places, in 2013, where insurance isn't mandatory (for medical liability reasons, if nothing else).
aaaaarg: I'm from Indonesia. My exact location is somewhere around the capital.
You have to understand the mentality of most the average guy. No way they would want to shell out cash for something they wouldn't exactly need, such as peace of mind in cases of accidents or emergencies. In an unbalanced analogy, the whole insurance thing here is something like what I understand of Americans who oppose Britain's NHS-like system - why spend money for something intangible?
kharmajavah: Thanks OP, for the detailed answer. I do understand the mentality and see the parallel to the American health insurance debate (though I'm firmly on the side of, COVER EVERYONE!).
Cheers and good luck!
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1382030224 | 1382060653 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | canadasecond: TIFU by accidentally mooning my boss.
Biking in the rain this morning, I arrived at work to lock up my bike. The bike lock area is right beside the parking lot. I had rain pants on but everything was a bit damp and sticky. I tried to take off my rain pants before heading to work. In doing so, I accidentally pulled my shorts and undies down in the process (due to the damp rain pants) revealing my bare ass. Normally I wouldn't think much of it but at the same time the director of my program was stepping out of his car, with my pasty ass pointed right at him. To anybody but myself, it would appear I was intentionally dropping trousers to moon my boss as he arrived at work. He abruptly took off allowing me no opportunity to explain or make light of the situation.
inevitabled34th: Are you male or female?
nudebuddah: A brief look into the comment history would suggest the poster is male.
inevitabled34th: I'm not that motivated today to do something like that.
| 4 | 8 | |
1382052947 | 1382066783 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | davycrockett76: TIFU by having stagefright in the bathroom
I was (trying to) pee in a long line of urinals today. However, i have shy bladder syndrome, so its difficult for me to pee when there are lots of people around. So there i was, pushing with all my might. Unfortunately, I let out a rather boisterous fart. Instead of laughing, most of the people remained extremely silent. Worst of all, everyone that was in the bathroom was in my class so there was no getting away from them.
functor: Hey, at least you didn't shit yourself.
ExpertCrafter: That comes in the follow up post.
| 3 | 11.333333 | |
1382055629 | 1382068674 | null | t5_2to41 | 49 | ShotzInTheDark: TIFU by losing my wife's engagement ring
It's been a rough couple of weeks, Reddit. I fucked up majorly last week and the beginning of this one with a lie I told before we were even engaged - one from right when we began dating. I perpetuated this lie for years. Then, I got caught, and came out with all the details of the lie, how it had evolved to include other intricacies and more lies - all to keep that first lie alive. It was a whopper. I still can't believe I'm capable of the level of scum-bagginess my lies represent.
Then comes today.
She took her ring off days ago, maybe last week. Said she didn't know who I was right now, and needed to have her head clear to think - looking down at the ring I designed from the band to the stones (and the matching wedding band, also designed by me) clouded her thoughts. She's perfectly within her right to do so; I fucked up - big. She's still with me, so I have that going for me, which is nice.
I've carried them with me; never letting them leave my side. Hoping to soon earn back a small spit of trust; enough so that she's willing to work through my lies as husband and wife.
Today I went back to work (furloughed Fed). I left her a cute note in the kitchen since she was still asleep when I left. I laid the wedding band on top of the note; stating "with this ring, I thee wed. I'm carrying the other one with me still, yearning to earn back the right to put it on your finger. Love you."
Then I placed the engagement ring in my suit pocket, and off to work.
I fondled it in my pocket a bit on the drive in, and over a cup of coffee. Reminding myself how lucky of an asshole I am to have this gal, and how badly I fucked up her trust in me. I have no right to have her trust me, but I want nothing more.
Then, my day picked up. Things got hectic as the mighty wheels of government "progress" spun back up. ~2ish PM, I reach into my pocket to feel the ring - no ring. Fuck. I retraced all of my steps, every office I went to, every hallway I walked. Talk to everyone I could at every place I'd been - The coffee shop I walked to this morning, the sandwich joint where I got lunch, every single receptionist desk in every building between those two destinations and my office. Nothing. Fuck.
Then, time to come home. Fuck.
Have to tell her. Fuck. She has to hear it NOW. Fuck. She has to hear it from me, right now. Fuck.
I told her. Fuck. She's been super supportive - working with me now to E-mail any and all pawn shops in the area .. Tomorrow I beat feet again; burning some personal time to hunt this thing down.
If you come across a ring the the D.C, Metro area, Diamond IGI # is laserscribed on the stone itself, can be seen under microscope), you'd make my goddamn currently fucked up day if you contacted me.
TIFU... God Damnit did I fuck up.
[deleted]: At the end of the day, it's just a ring. It honestly doesn't really mean that much, and you've probably already paid more than it was worth to begin with.
throwaway_account_69: It's very symbolic, though. However, a true love doesn't need a ring, it's just one of those poignant reminders that also happens to be a major social construct and costs large amounts of money.
[deleted]: I don't understand spending that much money on a ring, why not use it for a down payment on a house, or a vacation, or starting a future college fund for your kids, or any other thing that is way more important.
throwaway_account_69: My philosophy is utilitarian, so I agree with you, but I guess it's just a tradition. When you get down to the roots of it, though, it's just pretty much "I value you as much as this car-priced ring".
| 5 | 9.8 | |
1382060782 | 1382142042 | null | t5_2to41 | 65 | thefakkinshit: TIFU By telling a coworker I noticed he was attracted to me as a joke.
I work with this guy, big stoner, so we connected on that from the beginning. We lived close by, so we started carpooling and basically smoking a lot of pot, which lead to being together a lot of time after work. So the other day I was giving him a ride home, and we started talking and laughing and then I decided to throw in the joke "Yes, and I've noticed you're very attracted to me". So, I started laughing at my own joke until I noticed he was giving me a cold not-funny look,and I stopped. Still a block away from his house, he got out of the car and said "Don't mistake friendlyness", and walked away. Today he barely spoke to me at all, and it wasn't until an hour ago I got a message saying "Limit yourself to saying hello and good-bye to me, it's too awkward to talk to you right now". I responded with a heartfelt "Everything I said yesterday was a joke, I was just playing around." to which he answered "I don't give a fuck! don't get close to me!". I'm thinking tomorrow's gonna suck, And we sit right across each other.
Sero1990: Dude, fuck this guy. What kind of stoner gets upset over something like that?
[deleted]: now this advice just isnt helpful
OBVIOUSLY the coworker isnt interested or very homophobic, and maybe a little interested but afraid of that.
the OP fucking him would just be over the line and invite even worse repercussions.
Seriously, do you even internet?
Sero1990: ...
*Fry Face*
Can't tell if you're trolling me.. Or dumb enough to take every sentence literally
[deleted]: Totally trolling, but thought in a funny way
Sero1990: Haaahaaa!! You got me man, you totally got me xD
| 6 | 10.833333 | |
1382067294 | 1382068294 | t3_1ooueo | t5_2to41 | 48 | Fgmaniac: From the fear of being fired, or the rush of
jerking off to your wife's tits?
iamesauce: from the rush of elementary school exhibitionism
Fgmaniac: Speaking of exhibitionism, OP I'm actually an internationally acclaimed internet hacker.
If I could get a copy of the photo of your wife's tits, I could probably endodigitilize the pixelation ratio to exhuberate the rectilinear propagation of the refracting dps, and delete it from all of the internet.
Can't speak jargon? Just post a pic of your wife's tits, and I'll use my computer magic to make it disappear.
iamesauce: Fuck this kid I've got a 40 gigatit encryption program. Just fwd them to me, I know what to do.
Your wife's tits are in the right hands, my man.
FoxtrotZero: > 40 gigatit
I had to read that a few times.
| 5 | 9.6 | |
1382065068 | 1382124038 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,544 | beaten-by-supergirl: TIFU by picking up my friend's little sister
I went to the mall today with my friend, her parents, and her three-year-old sister. After a while, the parents asked me if I could watch little sister in the children's play area while they took my friend clothes-shopping.
So I sat for a bit, watching her run around in her little Supergirl shirt. She jumped up on the bench with me and yelled "Whoosh!" giving a little flying gesture.
"Supergirl!" I said, and picked her up. She squealed with joy, kicked her feet for a bit... and then her shoe came down... hard... right on my left testicle.
I almost dropped her right on the floor. I put her down and told her to run along back to the play area. I don't think she knew that she kicked me, so she just looked a bit incredulous and then left.
I sat there with my hands in my lap for a while, left nut aching. Somehow it felt even worse than hitting both of them, because the pain wasn't even balanced. I tried to put on a brave face for the public, but I really just wanted to curl up for a while. I'm glad she didn't get kidnapped over the next ten minutes, because I would have been too nauseous to notice.
Eventually my friend and her parents came back. They asked how the sister had been. "No trouble at all" I lied. Before we left, I excused myself to the restroom for a quick look at lefty. Kinda bruised, but not too bad. We walked back to the parking lot, my ball aching, and left.
A few hours ago, I was Skyping with my friend and told her about my injury. She tried not to laugh, then told me that her sister once gave her a really painful kick in the girl-parts while she was holding her down at the dentist. She said it hurt so bad the dentist told her to sit in the recovery room, and we bonded over the shared experience.
This led me to wonder, was today's attack an accident, or do we have a serial crotch-kicker on our hands?
David_mcnasty: Honestly when I read the title I thought you meant "Picked up" as in you got her to go on a date with you.
peektaru: I did too, and then reading "three-year-old" really made my head spin.
[deleted]: I'm glad it ended the way it did though. Could have been worse.
Whired: Busted the *right* kind of nut
chuckychub: Pretty sure he said it was the left.
imnotarobot1: The left nut *was* the right nut.
spartan3421: So hes only got one nut?
DanDanCanNotDoTheCan: Let's not judge guys...
Could have been another ballkicking incident
Jayke1981: coulda been worse - kid coulda kicked both nuts
| 10 | 154.4 | |
1382068064 | 1382159067 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | Migitmafia: TIFU by taking 72mg of Concerta after a night of heavy drinking.
Last night some friends and I got absolutely wasted. I woke up this morning to find that I missed my first class and had a test in an hour, I got up and instantly sat back down on my bed from getting so dizzy. I remembered that I had 2 36mg Concerta that I was saving. Thinking that it would help my hangover and help my focus on my test, I took both at 1:30 (I was still somewhat intoxicated). Half way to school it starts kicking in. I get to class, sit down, start the test and my heart is pounding. I didn't know the material very well so I started to get a little anxious. I did pretty bad on the test to say the least, and felt terrible about how I got black out drunk on a school night instead of studying. I get home around 3:45 and feel absolutely terrible. I've had terrible anxiety all day, my heart has been pounding, and was extremely dehydrated for awhile. My vision was out of wack for quite awhile too. I haven't been able to focus on anything. I'm just glad I'm coming down now. I have, however, learned a lesson - always take a minute to think if taking a drug is a good idea, given on the situation. It's been a terrible day, Reddit :(
TL;DR took 72mg of Concerta (Ritalin) with a terrible hangover and fucked my entire day up.
jerseyanarchist: lightweight.
i took 125mg of that shit daily for 4 years
Heep_Purple: Difference is that you actually have ADHD, while i doubt it in Op's case. Also, you probably know that alcohol and concerta don't go together very well, even if you take the concerta after the alcohol.
jerseyanarchist: the two cancel eachother out.. the alcohol makes you stupid... the rit makes you.... well .. a very focused form of oooooh shiny
Heep_Purple: Nope. The working chemicals in concerta and other ADHD medicines *amplify* the working of alcohol. That way if you take three beers, you actually feel and act like you've had about seven beers.
| 5 | 4.4 | |
1382075636 | 1382102017 | null | t5_2to41 | 260 | Solsken92: TIFU by cheating on a pop quiz...and then ratting myself out for it
Microbiology major here. Exam week in all the science courses, and forget to do a reading for a core theology course. Professor is unsurprisingly miffed that no one in his class of predominantly science majors bothered to read this week's passage. He decides to give a pop quiz on the spot. I start seeing looming images of my GPA decreasing decimal point by decimal point, and share a panicked expression of understanding with my neighbor. She shifts her paper to the side, I glance at it, I hear my name called. I look up, professor is looking right at me. He mutters "No good, no good," marks something on his grading sheet, and speaks no more. I panic for the rest of class. The jig is up, I'm busted. They're going to burst through the door of my dorm a la Dog the Bounty Hunter and rip up my textbooks in front of me. I try to contain my tears for the rest of the class. The minute I get to my room, I hammer out an apology email begging for forgiveness, explaining the situation, prostrating myself before him via Outlook Express. Minutes later I receive a response. "Alex- I was trying to remember names in class. I got your name and your neighbor Ashley's name mixed up, hence the interruption. I appreciate your honesty, however I would like to confer with you about this as I take academic integrity incredibly seriously. Please advise as far as times you are available to meet. Regards, Dr____"
My heart slowly shrivels and settles someplace between my bellybutton and pelvic bone. I snitched. On myself. TIFU.
ixidor121: He is probably going to ask you to take a new quiz on the subject. It's not like this is highschool where you can get detention for cheating. Best bet is to calm down, if you are freaking out when you go to see him it will only make things worse for you. Also the added stress is bad for your health. Just chill man.
lostinlira: No its college where you can get expelled.
enkid: For glancing at someone's paper during a pop quiz? I doubt it. Normally expulsion is for plagarizing a major paper, or something along those lines.
lostinlira: Academic dishonesty is a game killer any way you shake it.
| 5 | 52 | |
1382079232 | 1382090835 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by accientally taking a double dose of Zzzquil
Title says it all really...I've been having some sleeping problems so I took one liquid capfull of Zzzquil (like Nyquil with only the sleep agent) around 9:30 or 10:00. I wasn't feeling sleepy at all so I decided to chill out and play some Pokemon. Since I wasn't feeling sleepy at all so I totally forgot I had some earlier and took another capfull around 12:30 or so. Now my chest feels funny and I'm shaky. I can't tell if it is because of the Zzzquil or if I just am having an anxiety attack from worring myself sick (I tend to get panic attacks, though not recently). My boyfriend says he thinks I'll be okay, but I'm still worried. I only weigh about 120 pounds, so I'm pretty light in terms of proper dosage. D: TIFU...I'm not sure what I should do, but now I'm scared to go to sleep.
infantus: I've doubled up on z-quil before and never felt jittery. I think it's just in your head. That being said though; it's never to late to vomit.
[deleted]: Thanks for your response! Yeah, I tried to vomit...didn't work so I just drank two glasses of water. I feel much better now. You are right, it was probably just in my head. Either way I'm probably going to end up with some weird dreams... :/
infantus: When I did it before I ended up in that ***not restful sleep mode*** where I was half asleep but couldn't stop thinking and talking to myself. It passed after 3-4 hours. Try to relax and enjoy it. Think of it a chemical assisted meditation. :)
Sonic5039: I fucking hate when ever that type of sleep/rest happens to me. As to begin with I've felt it takes longer than average to fall asleep sometimes though such having to lay in bed for an hour before falling asleep as got relaxed enough. Oddly though other times I fall asleep instantly when not meaning to such as just laying around in the afternoon some days, even with a light on.
I tend to wake up from the type of sleep you mentioned hours later looking at a clock wondering if I even slept.
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1382103734 | 1382207440 | null | t5_2to41 | 49 | meltphace26: TIFU by stopping for a TV interview on the street
So I was on my way home from uni when out of nowhere a dude stops me if I'd answer him some questions. I recognised the guy, having him seen on the internet making funny interviews so I said yes. Turned out to be more embarrasing than funny unfortunately.
I was basically asked about adult movies. If I watch them and if I skip the dialog and some really stupid questions. I was like meh when we finished (it was like 1 minutes) gonna be funny for the friends and stuff. Well, as I signed the paper about legal stuff I asked where it would air. Sunday after X-Factor on a big national TV... which everybody and their mother watches. Including mine, and my grandparents and so and so.
And here's the fuckup: I could have said noty and torn the paper. But for whatever reason I didn't want to back up. Gonna be a jolly good sunday evening, the family gathering to watch me talk about porn and sex! yey
TL;DR: got stopped for an interview, spoke about me watching porn. Will be aired on the biggest hungarian channel after x-factor.
update1: well apparently it wasn't in this episode. might be next week
Ghotiyz: i really want to watch this, Australia by any chance?
meltphace26: Nope, Hungary
TGDE: You Eastern Europeans love your x factor. I'm watching with my hostel owners and family and they're glued to their seats.
meltphace26: I don't get the hype really, most of the singers are mediocre at best. I only hear them when I pass some room in the house since I haven't turned my TV on for two years.
| 5 | 9.8 | |
1382107142 | 1382699439 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | juicylips336: TIFU..... just reset the counter.
Im a 24 year old female that is lactose intolerant but dairy is my favorite food group. I put cheese on everything and worry about the consequences later.
I'm doing last minute work on the endocrin system for my anatomy and physiology class and I'm not getting far because I'm grossing myself out by browsing the WTF subreddit. I figure I'll do three pages tonight and finish the rest tomorrow. I feel my stomach rumbling and lean over to let a silent fart out. Boy was I not expecting the rank cloud that filled my room. I try to remember the last time I had a bowel movement. I can't remember because of the stress of school and work. I remember that I had cheese grits for breakfast but it was only a small bowl. I lean over and fart again. This time it's worse. I lunge over toward my window to get quick relief when I feel something squirt out of my ass. I lay there, hand on the window and let out a chuckle of disbelief. I scold myself "Jesus Christ you're an adult. AN ADULT!" I look back to survey the damage and see an oblong plate sized puddle of bright orange poop covering the surface of my laptop, pillow and textbook. I carefully climb over the shit soup and make my way to the bathroom where I give birth to more of the week old poop vacating my colon. After I clean up the mess I shower and put on clothes and get on Reddit to share my experience.
TL;DR Cheese grits gave me the shits.
bealmeida: You must be Hungarian...they love cheese with everything...really everything
juicylips336: I'm American. Same rule applies
bealmeida: poor bastard! :)
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1382103602 | 1382132392 | null | t5_2to41 | 187 | [deleted]: TIFU by Putting on the walking dead
I work in a school and when it rains I put on the projector and Screen and put a movie/TV show on.
Well today at luch i decided to put on the walking dead for the junior lunch, this ranges from 11 year old to 13 year olds
so from some reason i thought this was ok to watch, well 25 mins into the show i get a phone call from the vice principle to ask me what i had put on.
i go running towards the hall where it is set up and not only see the vice principle standing there but i also see the principle standing there too asking me what i had put on, apparently it was a scene of a zombie getting smashed in the head with a pix axe several times.
thank god the principle didn't take it too serious and laughed it off as i was changing it. but apparently some of the kids walk to the cleaning staff in fear of asking what they had just watched( Think it scared the shit out of them). but no doubt next week we will have parents calling us.
ARDad: Yeah, you fucked up alright. Completely inappropriate, and I would be one of those parents calling when I heard about it.
slimzimm: "O Noes my child was EXXPOSED!" ~~Shut up.~~ Seriously this is nothing to get worked up over. Zombie fantasty tv is something you should explain to your 11 yo better.
*Edit. It's not nice of me to tell people to shut up.
ARDad: Alternatively, you could fuck right off and let ME raise my kids.
slimzimm: Best wishes! Hopefully they won't be as much of a stick in the mud as you.
ARDad: OK, so without a snarky, reactionary remark on my part (sorry) I honestly struggle, a LOT with this.
My kids are 11 and 13. The 13 yr old obvisously would get considerably more leeway than the 11 year old in this situation.
The problem isn't that she's being exposed to that kind of stuff, I know she's probably seen it before (she's seen, with my permission, Insidious and Insidious 2). The problem is that what's OK in my home with my supervision isn't what's OK for the school to do, **it's not their decision to make**.
For my 11 year old, I would flat out just be pissed. He's too young for that, and would have nightmares about it.
Another aspect that bugs me about the violence/sex on TV and in movies debate is that violence seems more "OK", while sex seems to carry a much heavier stigma. It seems to me that that's backwards, eventually my kids will be having sex (I hope so, I want them to be happy and healthy adults!!) but I do not think they'll ever be in a position to squash someone's face with a pick axe.
slimzimm: Thank you for the well-thought out and reasoned discussion. I can now support you wanting to question the type of programming your children receive at school.
I feel that if I had a child who came to me and said, "there was a zombie movie on at school and it scared me, but the principal and vice principal made my teacher change the show" I wouldn't think it's necessary to call the school and get someone in trouble. The situation was resolved and I would assume some ignorant or careless teacher put it on and was corrected.
ARDad: for the older child, I would agree. For the younger, I would not. Changing it isn't good enough, I have to deal with the fallout, so they are going to have to as well.
That being said, I could be swayed by my better half to drop it, but the larger problem is that it's not the schools place to make that judgment call.
slimzimm: If you were a school official, I'd hope you'd love to hear that kind of feedback from 150 parents on an issue you already resolved. It's just a lot to deal with. I'm not a teacher, but a sympathizer. Someone put on something the principal and vice principal didn't approve of and the situation was already resolved. I just hate to see public outcry for something that's already wrapped up.
Howardzend: I posted above but doubt you'd see it. When I was 11 my teacher showed us the original Night of the Living Dead. It scared the hell out of me, even though I didn't talk to my parents about it. The teacher did get in trouble though because several other kids had nightmares and other freak outs at home and their parents did call. Bottom line, if you're a teacher, you should have an idea of what is appropriate for children in your class. Anything with "iffy" content should be up to the parents to show and explain to their kids. It's not asking a lot really.
slimzimm: You got the bottom line down then. I'm just saying that the issue had clearly been resolved. What more would you like done?
Howardzend: I'm just adding to the topic. I wasn't calling the OP's school district or anything. I realize it's already been dealt with but the topic is still up for discussion.
slimzimm: Oh, well thanks for adding. It was nice to chat with you. :)
| 13 | 14.384615 | |
1382109575 | 1382119343 | null | t5_2to41 | 85 | Prodigy311: TIFU by openly berating a deaf man.
This wasn't today, but I just discovered this sub, so here goes.
Back in college, I worked in a shoe store. I'm very helpful and also very annoyed when ignored, which is by far my biggest pet peeve. This middle aged man (AH = Asshole) was admiring our fine selection of fashionable footwear and I approach him from behind with a casual, "Hello sir, how are you doing today? Can I help you find anything?"
AH didn't even give me the courtesy of acknowledging my greeting. So I repeat a little louder, "Can I help you find something?" Again, ignored. I think to myself, "What the hell, man? What's your problem?"
I say "If you need anything, please find me." Nothing. And then, as I walk by, AH gives me a (perceived) snooty glance. OOOOOHHH that sonofabitch! He has the gall to ignore me then look at me condescendingly. He's a dick and I will announce this to everyone. I help two more customers and comment (loudly) that "some customers are ungrateful and should get off their high horse." and "Some people look down on others for working retail" and yada yada yada
Fast forward to checking out AH. "Did you find everything you were looking for?" (douchebag). It was then he waved his wife over and started signing with her about the shoes he wanted. I put the pieces together. I jumped to conclusions. I am asshole.
**TLDR: Asshole ignores me. I insult. He no can heary. I am asshole.**
Edit 1: Ninja edit
palelove: Everyone has their pet peeves but dude you shouldn't try to make yourself feel better by bashing a customer in front of an entire store. That's really rude. I get ignored by so many customers...you just move on with your day.
MechanicusAnimus: Agreed. While somewhat amusing and understandable, if asshole customers get under your skin that easily then retail is not for you.
However if it's currently your only option I recommend trying the kill-them-with-kindness approach. It's pretty hilarious to see an asshole customer's reaction when they're getting all flustered and you just stay cool while continuing to return painfully polite answers to their questions/insults.
| 3 | 28.333333 | |
1382111492 | 1382153937 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | Jack_and_Coke: TIFU by making brownies
Last night i decided to make pot brownies. It's my boyfriends birthday party today and i thought pot brownies would be fun for the party. So when they were ready i decided to eat some just to see how strong they were. Well i ate a BIG piece cause in my head it seemed like a good idea. It started to kick in while i was making dinner and it fully kicked in by the time i was finished eating dinner.
It was so intense i had to lay down and not talk, i stayed that way until 10pm last night and then i went to bed. When i woke up this morning i was still really really high. I tried to stay up but i decided to go back to bed so maybe i can sleep off some of it. I just woke up and i'm STILL high, not nearly as bad as last night but still pretty fucked up.
Yesterday was my boyfriends birthday and we were supposed to have a video game night.
Not sure how i'm going to manage driving in to work today, maybe i'll wait until later.
Edit: Sorry for any grammar or spelling mistakes, typing is extremely hard right now.
spartan3421: Wheres the part where you fucked up? That sounds good as shit, makes me want to make brownies.
Jack_and_Coke: Well considering i ate them at 5:30pm yesterday and it's 3:50pm the following day and i'm still really high i would say that's a fuck up. I couldn't go into work this morning, i just ran in checked shit out and ran away.
spartan3421: If you made a brownie that has lasted that long you didn't fuck up, you're a fucking amazing cook, you should sell them. If you haven't already ate them all.
Jack_and_Coke: They're for the party we're throwing tonight. I'm only giving everyone 1/4 of a brownie though. They're pretty good and gluten free!!
spartan3421: Good shit
| 6 | 4.833333 | |
1382123457 | 1382331740 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | justthedoctor12: TIFU by texting my friend
So my friend and I are sitting in a pep rally. For the sake of personal information, we'll call him He-Man. So He-Man is sitting a few rows behind. We both hate pep rallies, so we started texting each other random shit. So just for the sake of being stupid, I texted, "Hey He-Man you better put your dick away. You could get in trouble. I just looked at him and he flipped me off. Turns out his parents regularly check his texts.
verris: Soo.. He deletes it? I don't understand.
justthedoctor12: Yeah I know I told him that. I don't know if his parents have already checked though. Also, they check it through their plan, not his phone.
up_there: There's a phone plan that copies your text messages? I have got to look into that, sounds crazy.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1382122165 | 1382567919 | null | t5_2to41 | 254 | noobishcholo: TIFU by not properly submitting a research paper.
So, let me start off by saying, I'm a highschool student who was taking an online class for college credit.
Part of this class involved writing a five page research paper about a painting. I made sure to get the paper done in advanced so I wouldn't get caught up in procrastinating. I spent three nights working on this baby. 12 Point Font. Fuckin' Times New Roman, Double Spaced. Essentially, this paper was the balls. I had to get a good grade on this shit. I submitted it immediately to the teachers drop box and let out a sigh of relief that it was over. Fast forward to today. I get a message from the teacher telling me that I got a 0 on the paper, for failing to submit it to her turnitin system. The EXTRA system that auto checks my paper for plagiarism. Because of this very very small oversight, she refused to even look at my essay, and I am now flunking the class.
TL;DR I turned in my essay to the wrong dropbox, and my professor refused to even look at it. Fuck professors man.
UPDATE: So guys, I ended up dropping the class after all. I'm just glad this is over with. Still, there is a bad taste in my mouth about the work in that class going to waste. Thanks for all of your advice.
Fambida: Go chat up your dean.
[deleted]: It sounds like this is an online course through his high school in some sort of partnership with a local community college. So one of the disadvantages of this is that there is no support to talk to someone about this issue.
noobishcholo: Our assistant principle is there to moderate the program. I talked to him and he told me to email the professor for the course.
He seemed to understand it was an honest mistake. I just need to convince the professor to listen to reason.
Chode_Strokington: >I turned in my essay to the wrong dropbox, and my professor refused to even look at it. Fuck professors man.
> I just need to convince the professor to listen to reason.
Yes, I understand that you are still in HS but let me give you this little bit of advice. College is not the soft warm fuzzy place high school is. It's about learning how to be an adult and acting as such. Professors shouldn't have to cater to every mistake students make regardless if it was intentional or not. You made the mistake, not the professor. To get upset with them for your mistake is really petty. To insinuate that the professor is being unreasonable shows that you not acting with the level of maturity necessary of a college student. The professor owes you nothing. And you throwing out the "fuck professors" for your fuck up kind of makes me hope this professor returns that sentiment back to you.
tl;dr: own up to your fuck up 100% and don't try to make the professor into this unreasonable monster.
noobishcholo: She's given me problems in the past before, and her attitude isn't really the kind I feel deserves respect. Maybe I'm channeling all my anger into these posts, and maybe it is a bit immature, but it's how I feel.
And I get it, I realize college is much more serious. She announces it to everyone else in the class intentionally as some form of shaming me. So yes, fuck her.
Morbas: FERPA that shit bro, professors get into SERIOUS shit if they disclose a students grade
Source: work at a university (not a professor) and have seen the consequences first hand.
| 7 | 36.285714 | |
1382139601 | 1382156748 | t3_1oqghb | t5_2to41 | 84 | Anon_Alcoholc: I'd say having a housekeeper is pretty crazy. Then again maybe I'm just really poor.
disenchanted_youth: 80 bucks per session, once per month isn't expensive.
bakedpotato_: I wish I had that kind of mulah
disenchanted_youth: I'm not super rich. It's really worth it to have a professional cleaning done once in a while. To put things in perspective, $80 is about 5-6 meals eaten from outside joints. Eat at home, save money and live better.
bakedpotato_: I eat at home, haven't gone out to eat in ~6 months and am stealing internet from my neighbors. it's easier said than done while working minimum wage.
disenchanted_youth: Then you need to change your life, friend. It's not easy but things will happen if you try hard enough.
I've worked with people earning $90,000 a month with just a high school diploma. There's free education everywhere. If you have internet, there's Khan Academy and W3 Schools. Learn some CSS and Javascript and then get out there and try for front end designer jobs, for example. Even a paid internship can sometimes pay more than minimum wage.
I don't mean to be preachy.... but things won't change for you unless you do something about it.
I'm a software programmer and am more than willing to guide you through the industry if you want :)
bakedpotato_: I appreciate your willingness to help :) it's good to know that there are still good people out there. I have a diploma and nearly a degree but debt is preventing me from finishing it. I spend lots of my free time on khan academy, unfortunately no-one cares how much you know or how bright you are unless you have a $40k piece of paper from some university it seems. And I agree, most anybody can turn there life around, that's the American dream, right? haha. Thanks for your offer on guiding me through, I really appreciate it. I already have a path that I am taking to help my future, though. Joining the u.s. military and choosing a MOS that can help me find employment once I leave. I'm actually shipping out pretty soon. After that I plan on finishing school and getting a half decent job at some point. not that you care of course, it's just nice to tell someone/anyone sometimes x) thanks!
tl;dr: already planning on changing my life, thanks for offering to help, though. :)
disenchanted_youth: Of course I care bro that's why I offered to help haha.
Hang in there. I've found that if you want to get hired on merit then a small private company is where you should start looking.
Seems like you have everything figured out so that's good. Times are tough but there's no way it won't get better if you don't keep trying.
Coincidentally the guy I spoke about is ex-military so there you go :)
I promise I'm not being creepy, but feel free to PM me if you have questions about software stuff :)
Cheers!
| 8 | 10.5 |
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