start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
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value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1382129770 | 1382208929 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,526 | DSTFU: TIFU by punching a baby
I was coming home from work on a semi-crowded rush hour Toronto subway. I was standing hanging onto a pole and the seats were all full. In my hand was a book so I was holding on with one hand and two planted feet. Suddenly, the train brakes and somebody behind me smashes into my lower back, catapulting me forward. I throw the book in the air (did not expect this, so I was holding it loosely and holding the pole loosely). The book whips into the air probably a couple metres down the train and my hand that was holding the book but is no longer whips forward all in one steady motion. It's coming at the force of a punch and of course there is a mother and her baby sitting in the seat in front of me. My hand whips into the babys face (although it wasn't a real "punch" since my hands were spread open to impact the fall) and I slap him unintentionally. I think I knocked a couple brain cells loose. He's crying and I'm blubbering an apology, everybody on the train is glaring at me even the person who pushed me from behind in the first place. My book is awkwardly sitting 3 metres from me. I walk up to it and get off at the next step. I feel like a bad person now.
afteryou_I_insist: fuck that guy who pushed you
[deleted]: Literally. Find him, and assert your dominance.
[deleted]: Mark your territory when you're done.
[deleted]: Piss on him.
xXGNR4EVERXx: Shit on his carpet and rub it in!
Toaster_In_Bathtub: Not the carpets, man. They really tie the room together.
yellowtag: Won't matter when he burns it all to the ground
SleepyCommuter: Milton?
makeloveeveryday: MY DICK IS A STAPLER
yellowtag: That's company property!
| 11 | 138.727273 | |
1382140956 | 1382144537 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | dramaticat: I assume this is how the first werewolf was conceived..
[deleted]: Dude.. You let a animal rape you
NefastVoltaire: Oh, and you'd know nothing about that sort of activity, /u/Anal_Gaper2...
[deleted]: No actually, I'm not into beastiality
NefastVoltaire: Wrong activity.
[deleted]: Ah, I thought you meant the animal+act
NefastVoltaire: No, I meant pinning someone against a screen door and getting freaky.
| 7 | 3 | |
1382143002 | 1382374996 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | TheApple-iLurk: TIFU: I made pot cookies with moldy weed and ate one last night
So technically it's YIFU... My guy was going to throw it out so I got it free. It wasn't white mold, it was darkish, and there was a lot of it. I stupidly figured the triple heating of proper cannabis cooking would kill the mold and didn't do my research.
I feel OK but all day I've had gas that smells exactly like a stagnant pond. Any outdoor types or anglers will know what I mean, as well as anyone else who's come across a stagnant pond or two (mafia types?) I'm a foodie who loves to explore different cuisines so I've had my share of nonstandard gas, but I don't *ever* recall it smelling like this. I'm a bit of a hypochondriac so I'm naturally worried, but I'm in good physical health with no disorders and only one known allergy, to cannabis ironically (it plugs my sinuses like they're full of cement).
Frank_flowers: You are allergic to cannabis which causes sever rhinitis, yet you knowingly consume it, let alone the fuck up with the moldy weed, you consumed a known allergen.
So you now have bad gas, count yourself good, buy some Magnesium Citrate Saline Laxative Oral Solution it comes in a bunch of flavors costs a dollar or so at the Drug store, Walmart and your local grocery.
It will make you shit your brains out in about an hour. Should clean you right up, eat a bland diet for a day before going back into regular foods, let alone greasy and or spicy foods.
TheApple-iLurk: I require cannabis medicinally. A stuffy nose is a small price to pay for relief from my symptoms. I always have a bottle of Afrin on hand.
It's not the gas I'm worried about, it's more about the possibility of it becoming a real health problem and/or developing into a nagging problem.
Frank_flowers: > I'm in good physical health with no disorders and only one known allergy
> I require cannabis medicinally.
I'm not going to get into some stupid argument about the above 2 contradictory quotes from you, since the point of this is the gas.
It's probably just gas like eating too much broccoli or beans, shit it out.
TheApple-iLurk: Good *physical* health.
Grumpy-Brewer: Depression?
I've found pot is good in moderation for that. Fuck anti depressants.
TheApple-iLurk: I've been on Prozac before and the relief from depression felt so fake it was as bad as the depression, just in a different way. I also use cannabis for anxiety and to address some anger issues. Lastly I use it for spiritual purposes.
| 7 | 5 | |
1382124888 | 1382149142 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | MrWaffles52: TIFU by taking my friends water bottle.
So it's lunchtime at high school,etc., on a Friday. I felt like messing around with one of my friends so I grab his water bottle. He starts to *sprint* after me and, I begin to run as well. To lose him, I jump over a table (tables are outside and lined up, like a long rectangular row) I manage to jump over at the last table in the row, and he tries to grab my leg but fails. Instead he
-hits a kid who walks like Walt Jr. In BrBa
And
-knocks over the food of an autistic kid in a wheelchair, getting potatoes in his wheels.
That sucked.
LuxRex: Don't feel bad, you might have inspired one of those kids to join the Special Olympics...
MrWaffles52: It's not really that all that much. I mean, I felt like a sack of shit but having the assistant principal right next to them didn't help.
| 3 | 2 | |
1382148142 | 1382301194 | null | t5_2to41 | 63 | scatking69: TIFU by holding it in playing Super Smash Brothers
OK this didn't actually happen today, or to me for that matter. But it happened to my brother when Smash Brothers was brand new on the 64. You will likely enjoy this.
So me and my brother were chillin out and shit, I was 11ish and he was 9ish. We got extremely giddy playing Smash Brothers and were going absolutely ape shit, like two little boys with ADHD are expected to. This was especially aided by the fact that my father thought medication was total bullshit and instead fed us candy on the regular. My brother was continuously farting like a anal maniac demon, nothing surprising or unusual here. He also kept pausing the game and being all like "I gotta use the bathroom brb nigga". I dealt with it for a while, I really did, but holy FUCK!!! SUPER SMASH BROTHERS IS JUST SO FUN. Eventually my microscopic amount of adolescent patience ran out, he tried to leave and I said "dude, you just went, man. Just keep playin for a minute and see what happens." His response, "K". Moments later, I hear the funniest, longest, loudest fart of my LIFE (and I've got some experience in this shit). This time I paused the game to watch after the fart surpassed a few seconds in duration. I was fully engrossed in this, it was impressive and disturbing. At first, he didn't seem to give a shit, like it was some kind of normal fart. But suddenly, his body became erect and his eyes widened, he opened his mouth to a perfect circular o shape. He held this stance for a few seconds. When the ass rampage was over he said solemnly, yet with a sense of urgency, was "uh-oh". I began laughing harder than I could tolerate, literally, I couldn't stop or think it was so god damned funny. He got up and SPRINTED up the stairs . Only a few seconds later, I hear my dad shout "YOU DID WHAT IN YOUR PANTS!?!?" Every time I remember this happening I giggle.
**TL;DR** chronic wailing farts turn into massive blow hole burnout
[deleted]: this is more like a tyambfu: ten years ago my brother fuckedup
scatking69: actually 15 :/
[deleted]: that makes me feel like it is kinda fyambfu. it sounds better actually :3
| 4 | 15.75 | |
1382184062 | 1382268059 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,691 | 115872: TIFU by farting on a maxim model
Ok, this was a couple years ago, but I love this sub.
This was probably one of the most embarrassing moments of my life (throwaway because I'm a baby) I was working at a college bar with a girl who was a maxim "college hottie." It was after closing time and we were the only ones on the second floor. We were talking about how good of a night it was and she picked me up in a bear hug. I farted audibly.
The only thing I could say was "I farted." As I started dying inside, I tried to laugh it off. She laughed nervously then made excuses to return downstairs.
PSA: Don't fart when a maxim girl touches you.
Rhythm825: Embrace that shit.
Bear hug her back and don't let her leave your cloud of dominance. Show her who the alpha male is.
niqqaplease: He totally could've played it off he didn't stand there probably looking horrified and chuckling nervously.
7Snakes: He should have said "Gross! Did you just hug me and pussy fart? OK not gross, you wanna go back to my place?"
ilikeeatingbrains: It's an incredible stench, the old queefarooni.
7Snakes: The old Queefer Sutherland
ilikeeatingbrains: Queef Latifah.
7Snakes: A pan of Queef Stroganoff
ilikeeatingbrains: Abraham Queefin'
Kewes1: Master Queef
TheLoveKraken: Queef Richards?
ilikeeatingbrains: Queef by proxy.
| 12 | 140.916667 | |
1382255644 | 1382383575 | t3_1osc8a | t5_2to41 | 4 | Greengent: http://www.reddit.com/r/MeanJokes/comments/1ok5df/a_paki_walks_into_a_doctors_office/
chubs44: That. was. terrible. lol I can't believe you told that joke to someone from india hahaha
Greengent: I hadn't realized he was Indian until he told us, he doesn't look it. I apologized profusely and told him I wasn't like that at all. He seemed pretty cool about it
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1382229778 | 1382688306 | null | t5_2to41 | 114 | SawNakedRussian: TIFU by seeing Russian junk.
My boyfriend, Josh, lives in America, is American, and had American parents. But his parents were good friends with a Russian man named Stanislav, so much so they made Stanislav the god-father of Josh.
Go figure, they died, leaving Josh an orphan in Stanislav's care. Stan is a good father, but Josh left when he came of age, and went to America. They stayed in touch, but I've never met Stan.
Anyway, Stan's sister is getting married so Josh and I got an invite to attend. We get to Russia, yay.
We get on the plane and fly to Russia. And here's where my TIFU actually begins.
~!~
We go to stay at Stan's dacha and almost immediately I fall asleep in the room that's been picked out for us. In the morning I wake up with a fierce need to pee. I find a map of the house on the bedside table and wander to the nearest bathroom. In my sleepy state, I wander in and do my business.
I notice a drip-drip-drip in the bathtub but I figure it's just the normal water dripping from the tap. I flush and pull back the curtain to turn off the water and stop the dripping-A WILD NAKED RUSSIAN APPEARS!
Stan is sitting in the bathtub which is half-full of water, looking up at me with an annoyed expression on his face, shampoo suds in his hair. I wish I could say the majority of him was submerged, but it wasn't, and the water was pretty clear anyway.
I stammer out an apology and flee the bathroom, curling up under the bed until Josh wakes up.
I am so embarrassed, especially since there's a bathroom connected to our room which I overlooked. Ugh. I'm here for another week, it's going to be so awkward.
DorkKnight52: Trust me; This will be funny to both of you guys later. If strangers on the internet think it's funny, you can too.
SawNakedRussian: I wish he was the kind of person that found things funny. He's one of those persons that when they say something funny on purpose no one actually laughs because they're all going into shock.
On an unrelated note, everything in his study is red. Red upholstery, red wallpaper, Soviet tapestries hanging from the walls, Soviet pictures everywhere. So yeah, I'm kind of terrified he's going to take the hammer and sickle off his wall and kill me in my sleep half the time.
JBalk9000: Pics of room? That sounds cool.
SawNakedRussian: I'm not allowed in there, sadly... I'd like to get a look at his little library to be honest but nope...
JBalk9000: Darn.
Are having rooms like that in your house still common?...I'm assuming this was a common thing..?
I tried googling to to see what something like that would look like and couldn't find anything close, but I'm not even sure what key words to google.
Edit:
I thought that ended a long time ago, but I just googled it and it ended in 91. The wallpaper in my house is older than that.
SawNakedRussian: He was/is a commie through and through... Says that in every political state we can find things to learn and should take the good for what it is and discard the bad, like getting grain.
He chooses to find the good in the Soviet Union, in which he was born, and he does so pretty well. Despises Stalin. It's amazing how much someone can despise a dead guy.
| 7 | 16.285714 | |
1382227038 | 1382362434 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | wildwafle: TIFU by getting high and ODing on dairy
So last night I decided it was time to whip out the ol' Bongowski. Three hours and 5 rips later i decided to get one of the best pizzas ever from the shop just behind my house. Spicy Buffalo chicken.
Now mind you I had some grade A stuff so I walked into place with shades on. (It was 9 at night) On my way back I prop that bad boy on the table and take in the heavenly aroma, but then i thought "You know what would make this better? CHEESE FRIES!" Sadly, the pizza place serves no fries (what kinda pizza places doesn't sell fries ffs?) so i went to the burger shop right next to it. The fries was a fast 1m order; Out the frier, poored liquid gold ontop, and in the box.
So now I'm ready to have the greatest meal of my life and before i even know it, everything is cleaned. No more fries, no pizza, no anything, and then it hit me.
I had no drink.
I go to the fridge to make me some strawberry milk and end my day only to be rudely awoken hours later by an angry stomach. I run to bathroom and release yesterdays lunch in a mighty push of Hiroshima proportions.
I pooped at least 5 times within 2hrs of waking up and have had horrible gas ever since.
TL;DR Got high and ate a medium pizza, cheese fries, and a whole glass of strawberry milk and am paying heavily for it
ilookasianinmorning: and this kids is why we dont do drugs
up_there: I think it was the dairy that caused the reaction.
wildwafle: it was
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1382271527 | 1382325079 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,266 | Renegade_86: TIFU by not knocking before walking into my partners parents house
This morning I was out doing a delivery for work when my partner asked if I could swing by her parents house to collect something for her. She told me her mum would be at work but her stepdad would be in.
I've been with my partner 11 years and we always just walk into her parents house as if they don't want visitors they'll lock the door.
I walk up to the house this morning and try the door, it's unlocked so I walk in as usual, walk straight into the living room where her stepdad is sat masturbating to something on his iphone. Thankfully he's pretty much deaf so didn't hear me and I moonwalked the hell out of there.
That's an image I didn't need in my head on a Sunday.
slydunan: Twist： The iphone was streaming footage from the home security system.
kcsj0: Twist: it's on a loop.
Edit: Are you people immune to humour or something? Sorry for trying to lighten up your day.
GreenMuseum: Can you explain me your joke?
kcsj0: The footage from his home security system he's supposedly watching is on a loop. Meaning he's not actually watching what he thinks he's watching. He's just seeing a recording that's playing over and over again. Also, it could be a vague reference to the movie "[Speed](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0111257/)" which would probably explain the downvotes.
[deleted]: Still not funny. Tip: don't judge *us* if we didn't laugh.
[deleted]: In kc's defense, 44 downvotes seems a bit harsh, even for not being funny.
That said, maybe I should just be happy with.being mostly ignored if that's how people react...
kcsj0: They even downvoted me for the explanation. /r/tifu is a bunch of prissy mofos that don't even seem to know what "today" means most of the time.
Edit: can't words.
Swagger4Jesus: shoot yourself in the noggin, you cock
| 9 | 140.666667 | |
1382290339 | 1382398243 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | Arctic_Religion: Today I fucked up by driving a $74k vehicle into another car
So. I fucked up. I was best man for my friend's wedding so it was my job to throw a bachelor party. So I borrowed my grandparent's brand new Cadillac Escalade and rounded up all the groomsmen and groom to pick up junk from Walmart for the night. When we got there, I noticed a group of kids in Hondas, trucks and shit. So we decided to fuck with them. I turned the radio to some rap station on the XM radio, cranked the bass and put down all the windows. We drove by them and I gave them that ghetto stank eye. For some reason, I thought the rest of the lot was open space and I just kept staring at them...and ran straight into a parked Thunderbird.
"Did I just fucking do that?" Only words I could choke up.
I backed up and assessed the damage. Just a few scratches on the Caddy...but the door and front fender were fucked on the Thunderbird. The driver wasn't around...but I was soon surrounded by a bunch of fucking 12 year olds asking stupid fucking questions.
I started to call the police and was promptly questioned by a girl why I was doing so. "There's no need!" No. You see. This isn't my car. I need a report. A few minutes later, another car pulls up and these random people get out and form a chain from the Thunderbird to the other car and start PULLING DOPE FROM THE THUNDERBIRD. Wtf?
The driver shows up. Another 12 year old. Just silent. Couldn't even process. Cop shows up. Files a report all hunky dorey like. Mentioned that this shit happened all the time. No citation because it was on private property.
I remember the door on that Thunderbird wouldnt close. It was parked straight before and now was sitting 45 degrees in regard to where it was before. Pretty fucked up seeing as I was only going 10mph. My grandparents were chill about it. "As long as no one got hurt. Its just a car."
Pictures: http://imgur.com/a/xEe5p
inevitabled34th: I drive a Cadillac and I HATE Escalades. I just don't think they are true Cadillacs. But, that's just my opinion.
Arctic_Religion: Upvote for honesty. Have you drove the newer ones? They aren't too bad. Seem a little more GMC or Chevy like, I agree.
inevitabled34th: I've never ridden in one, but they seem to be the exact same as GMC and Chevy. Probably because GM owns GMC, Chevrolet, and Cadillac.
Arctic_Religion: Yeah, they've got some ass behind them. It seems a little more simple interior wise compared to an SRX (the '10 turbocharged edition), but its still nice. My grandparents had an 03 Escalade SUV (AWD, 6.0 vortech) before this newer Escalade and before their SRX. That '03 was stupid quick for an SUV. Then again, I was used to my little beater of a Saturn :P haha
| 5 | 3.2 | |
1382296008 | 1382391960 | null | t5_2to41 | 367 | GabrielNaess: TIFUpdate: TIFU and stalked a girl at school without realizing it.
Update for http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1ohsku/tifu_and_stalked_a_girl_at_school_without/
(Really sorry for the late reply, had things to do).
Nothing big happened, the principal, myself and the girl and her father was sat in a room where we talked it over.
Her father thought she was overreacting terribly and I ended up getting an apology. No consequences for any of us.
As promised I let out a wet and disgusting diarreah fart mid talk.
Release_the_KRAKEN: You don't let out diarrhea farts, they rip out of you like a bullet train.
GabrielNaess: I'm very experienced when it comes to having diarrhea (I have it for weeks at a time several times a year.). As long as it's not water-like shit I can hold it in while I fart just fine.
Release_the_KRAKEN: Well clearly your anus is pro level. If I've got the D and it's going, there's no power on heaven and earth that can stop it.
Seven-Force: Ahaha Ohhh my god your username
k1ngm1nu5: *Soooo* very relevant, I almost missed that.
Release_the_KRAKEN: Keep up you dingaling!
| 7 | 52.428571 | |
1382311276 | 1382367478 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | MagicJumpingBean: TIFU by spilling milk on my computer.
funny1humor: i like pie
funny1humor: but yeah, sucks for you
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1382319192 | 1382391009 | null | t5_2to41 | 208 | Bromothymol_blue: TIFU by cleaning my penis.
With peppermint bar soap.
It burns and I'm tearing up.
I have to leave for work in a minute.
:'(
HeinrichNutslinger: Chill
ZoZferatu: Chili
threela: Did someone say [chili?](http://imgur.com/n0bBkQi)
Infinitenemesis: Chili P Bitch!
thecrikster: # It's Chili Peanut Bitching time!! #
Oh god *Face palm*
| 6 | 34.666667 | |
1382327298 | 1382345451 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU changing somebody's grade
Today in class the teacher handed back our grades for the year. Let me tell you, they were abysmal- everyone was struggling to maintain a stable passing grade. Now, I couldn't help but notice that one of my classmates got full marks on a group project when all of the other members (including me) had something much lower (the original grade). The other members noticed it too and we discussed about confronting the teacher about it. Keep in mind, this was a REALLY intimidating teacher. Because of this, all of us were too lazy/ scared/ both to mention it to the teacher.
Eventually the bell rings and we try to force each other to go up and tell the teacher. Nobody goes up. However, the teacher notices us arguing about something so he goes up to me and says ''what?''. I had to tell him about it. He called up the student with the wrong grade (keep in mind that there were only 3 people in the classroom at that moment), she and I made eye contact, and then the teacher dropped her grade to the original one. I knew that changing the grade was the right thing to do, but I can tell she's still bitter about it.
TristanTzara1918: You got what you wanted, why not be happy?
[deleted]: He broke omertà
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1382329233 | 1382471667 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | thefoobar9: TIFU and missed my Philosophy midterm
Actually this was Thursday, but I just found out about it today. I've been having some personal problems lately, and I'm still getting over a cold, as well as having heartburn, so I wasn't able to get barely any sleep for this Thursday. I'm a computer science student, and Thursdays I only have Computer Science and Philosophy. I went to computer science (we're learning Java), which gets out at 12:00. Since I had around 5 1/2 hours to kill until Philosophy (I didn't realize it was a midterm, I thought it was next week and didn't check my Syllabus like a fucking idiot), I figured I'd sleep until then. NOPE... I slept right through it. I figured oh well, no big deal, we have *nothing important*, right?
Today, I was working at my job as System Administrator at a friend's company (right now I'm the most skilled person there in that regard, which is funny cause the other developers are computer science majors as well), and while I was waiting for some files to download I decided to quickly hop online and check if anything was coming up on my Syllabuses. My three other classes (other than an approaching midterm in Computer Science, which for me is a piece of cake) were fine, but then I went to check my Syllabus.
What I saw almost gave me a heart attack: "Logic Exam - 10/17/2013" - FUCK!!!! I mistakenly thought that was next week... :/ I looked at the grade breakdown, and it's worth 20% of my semester grade... :( I've emailed my professor, he seems like the kind of person who will be willing to work around this, so hopefully he'll be understanding. Still, FML... I already have enough shit going bad, adding more stuff to the equation just makes it worse...
inevitabled34th: How the hell are you guys having mid-terms already?? It's not even November yet!
GeneralGBO: This is fairly common for colleges on semesters.
inevitabled34th: No, it's my fault. I forgot that College does an entire class in a semester, not in a year like traditional school. I only took a semester of college about a year ago, so I forget that a lot.
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1382329107 | 1382377857 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | bearplanes: TIFU by eating tofu on a club trip [LONG, but includes pants shitting]
So this happened last night, ended earlier.
I was in an unfamiliar city with a club to visit some gardens and such. The profs let us free in the downtown area, and we had to be back at the bus by 10:00 (from 8:00). As a group of out of town students, finding a place to eat was difficult. After we walked around and smoked a joint, we ended up going to a Himalayan restaurant. Everything had unfamiliar names, and I just chose a veggie dish with "nine veggies" to be safe.
Disclaimer: I had a milk/soy allergy thing as a kid that would fuck up my intestines, but I grew out of the milk allergy.
So our plates come after like an hour (important), and I start eating this dish with coconut sauce, and its wonderful. After some poking to see the mystery veggies, I notice a little cube in the sauce. After some inspection, it is definitely tofu. I say fuck it, and try it.
Tofu is weird. Why do people like it?
I start to feel a little weird at the end of the meal, and couldn't finish. Already feeling uncomfortable, since I always finish meals, and on top of that I'm stoned, we head out after paying bills. Walking around downtown, I could feel the all too familiar signs of lame ass allergies.
Since our meal took so long, I missed the ride back with the profs. The feeling in my throat, the cold sweats, and wooziness told me that water was necessary. However, I'm not 21, and like hell I'm losing my fake in a city that isn't even the one I live in. I try to play it cool, since I don't really know most of the group, and puking in front of acquaintances is pretty awkward. I end up walking out of the store to get some air, and end up puking in a trashcan.
So, I feel a little better, and I'm trying to psych myself up to not fuck up. Just kidding says my body, and I have to alert the group as they are walking away that I am a conscious slime machine at this point. They were kind of concerned, but I told them I was better.
Ha. I start dry heaving the second I smell anything, and have to chill in the bushes for a while so I wouldn't puke on anything important. So I have to catch a taxi, and luckily the nicest guy was driving and no one else was on board. I tell him whats up with the address and why I'll be dry heaving and puking out the window and he's real cool about it. I successfully vomited out a couple times, and then one caught me by surprise and it ended up streaked along the outside of the van. The bill was 21 and I gave him the rest of my money because I'm pretty sure he noticed and didn't mention it.
So I stumble up to my room and take the grossest, bloodiest shit ever. I was desperate for water, but dammit if there are no cups in the hotel bathroom (the fuck). Shoveling water into my hand, I then collapse into the bed. My roomie comes in, and as soon as I wake up, the urge to shit comes again. Cue this about three more times before I finally fall asleep.
I awoke at three am to find a fart that wasn't really just a fart. I am so happy my mom raised me well, and to always bring clean underwear, because I would have just been miserable.
After I plop back into bed, that pre-cramp feel appears in my left foot. I stretch the muscle to keep the cramp away. This, however, cramps the shin muscle(?) that I have to flex to ward off the foot cramp. Instinctively, I release it, which then causes the foot the cramp. My writhing then caused my knee to cramp. I see where the little plastic cups are and hobble back to the sink to hydrate myself. Commence sleep.
Today was a lot of walking around gardens with no bathrooms, while still trying to act like a normal person whose stomach is not fighting a winning battle against their anus. I didn't get to shit until the very end at the Biltmore Estate, so at least it was classy-ish.
Finally made it home, and am never eating tofu again.
**TL;DR: Ate tofu, threw up various places in an unknown city, shat blood, shat myself, cramped up, barely didn't shit pants today**
inevitabled34th: Since when do you have to be 21 to buy water?!
bearplanes: They make you show your ID at the door, and you can't go in if you aren't 21.
inevitabled34th: To buy fucking water?
What country were you in?
bearplanes: the US. Do they let people without a 21 y/o ID into bars elsewhere in America? Every time I go to the door of a bar, they ask for an ID to check your age, and you can't go in if you're younger than 21.
| 5 | 3.2 | |
1382351028 | 1382511184 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,588 | cpawho: TIFU by making out with a stranger in front of my girlfriend.
Girlfriend and I were at a corn maze, and she got ahead of me on purpose so I'd go looking for her. I found her after a few minutes in the dark, by herself at a dead end, so I surprised her by turning her around and making out with her on the spot.
Turns out it wasn't her. I got slapped and my girlfriend walked up behind me asking what the hell was going on. I explained to both of them what was going on and now I'm on damage control.
iknewyoubackinnam: Ha, when I was younger my girlfriend and I both worked at the same supermarket. One day as I was finishing my shift I saw her leaning over one of the tills at the far end of the shop (well away from any customers I might add). I bounced up to that end of the shop and started my mighty backswing for a ***"I'm going to slap your ass so hard it's going to leave a mark"*** slap, as I'm about halfway through the swing (wild horses couldn't have stopped it at this point) I notice that over the girls shoulder, about 15 feet away, is my girlfriend watching this whole encounter with a look of interested shock. The slap continued as planned, albeit on the wrong person, the look of shock on the random girls face when she turned around was priceless. Although I'd say it paled in comparison to the look of embarrassment on mine. Thankfully everyone was able to laugh about it.
VoicesDontStop: I can just imagin as you realize its not your GF "Abort abort!" "We're in to deep!"
bigollurch: That's how I got her pregnant
VoicesDontStop: lamo
The_Red_Egg1: Lamo indeed my friend
bobthe21st: REMEMBER THE LAMO
SycoJack: I remember the lamo. I remember back in early 2000 when I discovered chat rooms and would tell hilarious jokes and people would reply lmao and
I would hold my head in shame at my terrible joke, thinking they meant lamo.
Saicotic: And when people would say FTW and I thought they were depressed and meant Fuck the World.
moderatelybadass: Flying tit weasels
| 10 | 258.8 | |
1382360514 | 1382367948 | null | t5_2to41 | 36 | [deleted]: TIFU by using a zit cream my mum gave me
Sorry if there's bad English in this post, it's not my first language. But anyways, let's begin.
So it was a beatiful day, I was sitting at home, playing GTA V when my mum came home, and gave me some cream. She said it was for my face and should help my face be nice and smooth. I kinda took that as an insult, seeing as I thought my face was pretty smooth.
So later on that day, I looked at the cream and thought: "Yeah, why the hell not?" I regret thinking that very much. So I put a lot of it on my face, and I mean A LOT. Then I wiped my hands and kept going with my day.
Then soon after I started to scratch all over my body. "Huh, weird" I thought, but didn't pay any attention to it.
And now, a day later, I wish I had paid attention to it. Turns out, I was allergic to some of the stuff in the cream. Now I have a million spots on me (it's called eczema in English I think) and am on my way to the doctors to have it checked out. I couldn't sleep at all because I had to scratch so much but didn't want to because that would make it worse. Hope you enjoyed reading about my misfortunes.
**TL;DR Got cream from mum. Was allergic to cream. Now have to go to skin doctor.**
Quick update edit: I'm back from the doctor, he said I had a classic case of [Urticaria](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Urticaria). I got some meds, and it should heal in about an hour.
iwannaelroyyou: In the US we call it the Foreskin doctor, just so you know for future posts. :)
DocSeward: wouldn't want him to that mistake twice
the more you know
| 3 | 12 | |
1382363628 | 1382375475 | null | t5_2to41 | 117 | [deleted]: TIFU by looking at porn while logged into my Google account.
Yep. Did you know Google had this neat feature where you your browser history syncs across all devices? You know, my computer, my girlfriends laptop? Yep yep yep. And when your girlfriends mom uses the same computer? Oh, and she also believes that her daughters a saint and is super strict. I just got on her mom's good side when she found all of the "disgusting porn" (motherless random video, great feature). She thought it was her at first, thenmy girlfriend told her she had no oidea, and her mom blamed my girlfriends best friend. The best part though? She kept the laptop to figure out what happened, which means she's likely going to find my Google account logged into the computer. It's my first and last name, so it's really not that hard.
Fucked up hard.
BasicLiftingService: How overbearing is this woman? What business is it of her's what is on her adult daughters computer? I would be rather indignant in this situation.
Unless you're <18, in which case, what were you thinking looking at porn on your girlfriend's mom's computer?
SmellsLikeHerpesToMe: We're both 17. Google account was logged in on both computers (I had homework on her computer and left it logged in), google history was synced to her laptop. It's not her mom's computer, it's hers, but her mom uses it.
BasicLiftingService: Shit man, I had no idea how complicated internet porn is for teenagers today. When I was your age, my mom didn't even know how to look up or delete history. Even if the virus detector eventually told all.
Sounds like you have a terribly awkward conversation ahead of you.
SmellsLikeHerpesToMe: It's a neat feature, but I really should have disabled the sync history before. I never really delete my history, and don't use incognito mode because no one else uses my computer. Never realized it would sync.
We somewhat talked, I sent her a long message apologizing and explained everything. She said the porn I was looking at was disgusting (motherless randoms), but I explained I skipped over the bad ones but they would show on my history. I really don't think she'll ever like me again but who knows. I was on her really good side too. It just sucks.
BasicLiftingService: If she can't/won't overlook this, or make a joke of it, you were probably gonna be on her shitlist at some point anyway. Don't sweat it to hard, life goes on.
SmellsLikeHerpesToMe: I actually started laughing when I first realized what had happened. After I remembered what porn I saw the night before, and how the weird shit stays on your history and she'd be watching them, I freaked and deleted them.
| 7 | 16.714286 | |
1382360641 | 1382438043 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | colak1: TIFU by yelling to a coworker across a relatively quiet room.
I work as a 911 dispatcher and received a call from a Spanish speaker. Personally, I don't habla but one of my co-workers does. There's a loud disturbance on the phone line and it's blaring in my ear so I yell across the room like a fucking idiot "HEY I'VE GOT A SPANISH 911 CALL FOR YOU!." (I had to let them know it's a 911 call, we answer non-emergency as well.) The whole room goes silent and everyone is just staring at me, but I'm just in the zone and sending the call over to our Spanish speaker.
Now at this point, everyone starts yelling at me "HEY I'VE GOT AN ENGLISH SPEAKER FOR YOU" or "HEY DID YOU NEED HER FOR SOMETHING??" and I don't even realize how loud I was...until I turn bright red and think about what I just yelled out loud. Shit...volume control gone wrong.
Fortunately I was able to laugh it off without too much harassment, but it's like 8 hours later and I still feel really stupid...ahh the life of a trainee :( Hopefully some sleep will make me forget.
Wiffernubbin: I'm sorry i yelled during an emergency, fuck me right? For the inevitable office ribbing.
colak1: More or less. IT WAS IMPORTANT TO ME!
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1382378293 | 1382379691 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | [deleted]: TIFU by hitting 'Send'
So I had a bit of a sexy text exchange with a guy from OkCupid about a week ago. I ended up setting my phone down and some buttons accidentally got pressed. It showed a draft message as a reply to this Chilean supermodel-looking dude and no matter what I did, I couldn't delete it all. So he sent me a message late last night and I got it this morning. I was still unsure about the draft but I just decided to write a response and send it anyway.
I hit send, my phone paused for a minute, and then my message showed up as sent...with a little 'play' button attached. I had a sinking feeling in my tumtum. When I clicked it, it brought up a naked picture...of another dude. I sent this gorgeous guy a picture of another naked dude. Oh, Monday...you're so very Monday.
sun4moon: OMG, that is terribly fantastic. Did he reply?
bananaboobs: Yes! He just did a few minutes ago and he either didn't notice the little play button, or it didn't actually go through. Or a third option wherein he simply decided to ignore it!
sun4moon: Maybe Monday is being a little more forgiving than you originally thought.
bananaboobs: Here's hoping...
| 5 | 8 | |
1382381202 | 1382382660 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | myhouse313: TIFU by asking if someone was sick
Well this happened about a week ago but none the less, still haunts me to this day. Let's begin.
I'm a broke college kid that absolutely loves hockey. Well i receive a phone call from one of my best friends back home (i only live about 45 minutes from campus) saying that he has free box seats at our NHL teams game.
Of course I'm going to go, free food? Especially to a kid in college, that is a seller.
Any who we get to the game, first period is winding down and of course the one time i sit in a box, there's no catered food. (for non hockey watchers, the box seats are normally loaded with food and drinks.
So i wander my way down to the stores and i find a normal sporting event food place. I go there and the lady behind the counter was wearing a turtle neck and had a very raspy voice. For some ungodly reason, i go " you don't sound too good, are you okay?"...Stupid stupid stupid. well she continues back to me and goes, no I'm fine. FUCK.. she had a stoma.... i felt like the biggest asshole in the whole world. i had no idea. To this day i still feel like a douche and i really want to find a way to apologize to her.
Eventhorizzon: You didnt know, You were just being nice not being malicious..
myhouse313: i know, but damn i felt terrible. Just like why did i open my mouth. i should've just taken my chicken tenders and left..
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1382386715 | 1385447817 | null | t5_2to41 | 459 | Rob_G: TIFU by trying to stick my hand into a swarm of angry bees
I saw this clip on /r/gifs or /r/WTF a while ago of a guy approaching a whole swarm of bees attached to a tree. He slowly puts his hand through the mass of squirming insects and removes it a few seconds later, totally unharmed. The next time, he goes back in, he pulls off a huge chunk of bees, almost like the whole cluster was a liquid, like he was running his hands through a loosely cohesive whole.
Scrolling down through the comments, I hoped to find some sort of an explanation. And I found it. Someone wrote about how when you find bees attached to a tree or some other object, it means that they’re swarming, that they don’t have a queen to protect, and that they’re incredible docile. It all made sense as far as I could tell, I mean, I’m no beekeeper, but this was proof, right?
So when my wife called me outside a few months later, she was screaming, “Rob! Come outside, come quick!” I went out back and she was standing twenty feet away from the garage. “Look Rob, there’s some sort of a beehive.” And it was just like I saw on the video, there were tons of them, all clustered in the top left corner.
I said to my wife, “You want to see something cool?” and I was just going do it, like I’d run my hands through and my wife would be all scared but after a while she’d see that I wasn’t being hurt. How would she react? She’d probably start asking a bunch of half-questions, like, “But … how? This … what?” and I’d just laugh, making up some nonsense answer like, “It’s all about confidence. These bees are more afraid of you than you are of them. You need to project strong vibes, and they’ll understand that. They don’t speak English, but body language a universal means of communication.”
So I calmly walked toward the hive. “Rob? What are you doing, Rob?” to which I replied, “Hey, I’ve got it. Don’t worry.” And that whole confidence, posture, body language thing, it totally worked on my wife. She saw me chill out, she started chilling out herself. “All right, just be careful. What are you going to do?”
“Watch,” and, you know, even though I was fairly certain that this was going to go just as it did on the Internet, there was still a palpable sense of fear. I mean, even if you’re positive that something doesn’t pose a real threat, a swarm of bees is still pretty scary. I’m not even used to dealing with like one bee, but this? This was hundreds of bees. I got close and the buzzing, which I could hear from back at the house, it grew louder, deafening, I could feel it like a cloud of vibration surrounding the periphery of my being.
I raised my hand toward the swarm and I realized that I was fighting my bodily instincts. It was same feeling I had when I went to this adventure park over the summer. One of the attractions was called the Mega Jump, basically, you climb up to a really high platform, they attach you to this rope and pulley thing, and you jump off, confident that whatever it is they’ve tied you to will slow your descent before you touch ground. Again, even though I knew it was this controlled thing, I still experienced a very physical reaction, a terror really, as soon as I stepped up to the edge.
But this was all in my head, I told myself, and I knew that I couldn’t stand there hesitating for too long. I’d psych myself out, or worse, my wife might get the impression that I didn’t know what I was doing, she might get hysterical again and I’d back out if only to keep her from freaking out. I swallowed the lump down my throat and I reached into the mass.
And the stinging was immediate. I recoiled my hand instantly, it was covered in bees, they were all stinging me. The outer layer of the swarm broke off and started circling my body, my face. I wanted to swat them away, I instinctively started flailing around, hitting myself in the head, which, with my one hand still covered in bees, it was just spreading them to my head, my scalp, the ones that had already stung me and died, it was like they were glued on, and I crushed some of them against my skull.
My wife came over with a bucket of water and doused me, but it did little good. In a brief lapse in between bouts of panic and terror, I regained control of my faculties and ran toward the hose, sprayed as many of them as I could away from my body, and followed my wife who had escaped inside the house.
There were like ten or twelve bees that had made it inside, and right outside, it was just this cloud, a whole nest of angry pissed off bees looking for some revenge. My hand was bleeding, everything was starting to swell, my wife was swatting at the few intruders were still circling our heads trying to exact revenge. I looked at my ballooning hand, she looked at me, she said, “What the fuck Rob? What the fuck?”
Osmodius: I'm fucking crying laughing. This is the best TIFU I've read. You are a fucking moron.
StymieGray: I showed up a month late, and I still laughed harder about this than anything that gets put up on reddit usually.
Rob_G: How is this getting popular again? Why all of the sudden after a month?
confusing_username: /u/DEATH_BY_CIRCLEJERK linked it in this thread http://www.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/1rfglt/millitary_friend_shows_up_to_work_today_finds/
Rob_G: Ah, I see. Any publicity is good publicity, I guess. I'm releasing an ebook in December!
Sentenced: Good on you Rob, good luck with your book! Hilarious story btw, i'm still terrified by bees, thanks! =)
| 7 | 65.571429 | |
1382400944 | 1382668555 | null | t5_2to41 | 70 | _Jungfrau: TIFU by mistranslating a german word, making light of a horrible disease and ruining my friend's stag weekend
If the T in this acronym stands for 'ten years ago' then I guess you could say TIFU. Yes this is an old story, one I've been telling for many years and one I've wanted to tell on reddit for a long time (and have never been able to find the right AskReddit thread), but it sure is a corker. It's a long one too, so be warned.
It's Britain 2003. I'm 28, I've been in a proper job for 3 years now, budget airlines are just starting to take off, and my mate Brian is getting married soon.
Now I was not always responsible. Me and my mates, like many others, were part of the huge UK rave scene in the 1990s. In my late teens and early twenties I went to more raves and did more drugs than I can remember. There were five of us in 'the crew', all guys I went to school and grew up with: me, Brian, Paul, Richard and Wayne. I look back on those years with great fondness (although I guess nobody chooses to remember the hangovers) but as the raves and the drugs and the drinking fizzled out and as we got long-term girlfriends, and mortgages and jobs, we naturally went our separate ways. None of us moved too far from the town we grew up in mind, we kept in touch, but you know the way things are.
Fast forward to 2003 and I get a phonecall from Brian, the one who's getting married. He's thinking of having a stag-do and he's thinking of getting the crew together and doing it like old times. The destination: Berlin - techno capital of the world circa-2003 and one of the few places raving was still alive. We all say yes and start planning.
As a group we think it'll be a hilarious idea to get personalised t-shirts with something crude and embarrassing written on them. It's quite a popular tradition nowadays, not so much back then, I guess you could call us pioneers. Of course, given that we were going to Germany, we couldn't have them written in English, so using my sketchy knowledge of the german language and a dictionary I get to work translating.
We picked each others designs of course, and after deciding to avoid Nazi references, pretty much anything else went. My t-shirt simply said 'JUNGFRAU' which translates to 'virgin' - growing up I was by a long way the last to lose my virginity and so was stuck with the nickname up until the ripe age of 19. I can't remember what Brian had on his t-shirt but it's not important. Because there's only one t-shirt I will never forget, and that was Paul's.
There was one rather hilarious incident growing up where Paul contracted pubic lice, or as they're more commonly known 'crabs'. Even at this point he's still a bit of a ladies man and undoubtedly had plans to get some on the holiday, so on his t-shirt we wanted to write "Warning, I have crabs". I look up the word 'crab' in my german dictionary (Krebs), translate the sentence, and send off the design:
'**ACHTUNG, ICH HABE KREBS**'
One 5am Easyjet flight later and we arrive in Berlin ready to party. It's worth mentioning that we were joined by five other guys, friends and family of Brian and his wife-to-be. They all had t-shirts too. Most of the t-shirts had jokes about cocks in poorly translated German. We weren't very creative. Or smart. It wasn't even that funny, but we stuck with it for the first day.
After checking in to the hotel and after consuming copious amounts of German beer we're ready to hit one of the big techno clubs. A this point we've noticed that people have been giving us odd looks all day, but Paul in particular has been getting some very strange looks.
As we're queuing to get into a club, a man in the queue starts getting quite angry at Paul. We initially brush it off as general drunken behaviour, but the guy keeps hounding on at him. Paul doesn't speak any German so he had no idea what this man is saying and starts laughing. Now furious the man starts to shout in English: "You think cancer is funny!? You think it's a joke!? You think it's a laughing matter!?". The guy then grabs Paul's shirt, and Paul being both confused and drunk, punches the guy square in the face. This escalated to a full blown fight, resulting in the police being called, and Paul being arrested.
And as I'm sitting in the police station thoroughly confused about the events that had occurred, suddenly it hit me. 'Achtung, ich habe Krebs' does not mean 'Warning, I have crabs'. 'Krebs' more commonly translates to 'cancer'. For the past 24 or so hours, Paul has been wandering around a city, accompanied by nine guys in lewd novelty t-shirts, wearing a t-shirt saying:
'**WARNING, I HAVE CANCER**'.
And that's how I ruined my friend's stag weekend.
(Disclaimer: I didn't actually ruin the whole weekend, Paul didn't get in any real trouble, and we had a great second night reliving the old times. The shirt was confiscated for being grossly offensive. Thank god we didn't go for any Nazi puns.)
TheBanger: I knew immediately when you said crabs what was going to happen. I said that my friend has Krebs to my chemistry teacher once and it didn't end well.
afuckingdoorknocker: Do a TIFU?
| 3 | 23.333333 | |
1382401884 | 1382438536 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | bizarro_me: TIFU by trying on my sister's panties
I'm a 30 yo gay male. I'm home visiting my family (mom and sis) and as I was about to shower, I noticed my sister left her black panties hanging on a towel hanger. I've been thinking about trying panties and how they would feel for a few weeks now. I impulsively grabbed them and tried them on.
They were nice, my butt looked sexy but my balls sticked from a side. When I took them out I smelled... dick. There was a wet spot on the panties. I had jerked off twice earlier, and I had dick cheese. It left a wet spot with strong dick smell.
I kind of freaked out. I tried cleaning it with toilet paper and a little water, then drying it out with more toilet paper. It was dry and clean before, I didn't want to leave a wet spot or get it wet altogether.
As the shower ran, I thought, I'm a heavy smoker and I can still smell it. My sis never smoked and has a keen sense of smell. I tried spraying it with just a little air freshener, but I could still smell a little when I pressed it against my nose. Watching it against the light, I could still kind of see a shiny spot.
I prayed to a god I stopped believing in years ago that she wouldn't notice. I actually did the cross sign against my chest. She broke her cellphone yesterday and she's pissed off about it. I hope her head is into it so much that she won't smell it or check her underwear is clean enough before wearing it.
Or if she notices it, I hope she doesn't call me out on it. I'm the only man in the house, she doesn't even have a boyfriend.
Thanks for reading.
zengosm: Dude, just don't say anything. It would be just as awkward for her to confront you.
bizarro_me: Like I would! No way
LazyTheSloth: If she is understanding and does confront you just tell her the truth things might go better than expected.
| 4 | 8.75 | |
1382406558 | 1382548415 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,539 | SawNakedRussian: TIFU by throwing lube at my boyfriend's dad.
So some of you may have read my TIFU earlier about walking into the bathroom while the very same boyfriend's dad, named Stanislav or Stan, was in the bathtub.
Oops, I fucked up again. Poor, poor Stan.
My boyfriend Josh and I went to Russia for his aunt's wedding. Until the wedding we are staying at his father's dacha, which is basically like a house I guess. Also, I keep a bottle of lube in my suitcase. That's just the kind of person I am. Please contain your boners.
Anyway, I was searching through my suitcase for a nice shirt to wear and pulled out the tub of lube in the process. As I'm cleaning, Josh opens the door and by reflex I cover the lube with a shirt. He doesn't comment, grabs his wallet and goes away.
I flop onto the bed, facing away from the door and play games on my phone with my headphones in (holy crap there's internet in Russia guise) and leave my lube-hiding t-shirt laying innocently on my bed. About half an hour of this and there's a knock on my door.
It is Stan, come to tell me lunch is ready. However I can't hear or see him. So he throws a bean-bag at me. He has learned to keep one on hand because occasionally I'll zone out. The bean-bag hits me on the head, so I turn around and take out the headphones, and throw the beanbag back. He catches my measly throw with vodka-fueled ease and tells me food is ready.
Not one to be defeated, I pick up my shirt and throw it at him. But alas, it is the one with the lube in it! I should have realized by the weight of the little tub, but I didn't. So I hit poor, poor Stan square in the chest with the lube-hiding shirt.
BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE.
Somehow the tub opened, getting lube all over Stan's shirt. The look on his face was one of violated horror as the offending tub tumbles innocently on top of my shirt on the floor at his feet.
Poor, poor Stan mutters what sounds to me as 'Zah chem' with a ch sound in (Don't know Russian) as I scramble over to pick up the tub and shirt. He turns around and leaves.
I think I'm just going to stop talking to or interacting with Stan at all.
On the plus-side, he smells like strawberries.
EDIT: Thanks to /u/kolove I know now that 'zachem' means 'why?!'
EDIT AGAIN: If you have any questions for Stan, the victim of my fuckup saga (I'm here for a week and I'm sure there'll be more) I've posted a comment thread specifically for asking questions for me to parrot to him. I'll type and post his answer.
NefastVoltaire: His last name wouldn't happen to be T********y, would it?
*Edited to protect Poor, Poor Stan.
SawNakedRussian: Yep, it is.
NefastVoltaire: Haha, we're related.
SawNakedRussian: Neat :oo
NefastVoltaire: Stop throwing lube at my family, god damn you!
Also you are to call me Uncle Neffy now.
SawNakedRussian: Nooooo :(
NefastVoltaire: You need to tell him to contact me.
SawNakedRussian: Also noooooooo :)
100149314: Awkward family reunion
T2112: Lube brings family together it seems.
How could this possibly go wrong?
100149314: Things would go very smoothly I guess
snusmumrikk: Guess I know the title of SawNakedRussian's next post in TIFU...
SawNakedRussian: "TIFU by having a three-way with Stan and /u/NefastVoltaire
snusmumrikk: Thought for a full minute of a witty comment on this reply - couldn't come up with one. Have fun :)
Which way from Moscow is the Dacha and how far? Eeast-West-North-South? Just curious
SawNakedRussian: It's about five hour's drive north-east I think
snusmumrikk: That's pretty far - Ivanovo, Kostroma, Yaroslavl? I imagine the cultural shock once you leave Moscow.
SawNakedRussian: It's a lot different... Moscow is loud, it's bright, it's, you know, up. It seemed to get MORE frantic at night...
And then we have a five hour drive and it's complete silence out there... It's like a little slice of land where there's no noise that isn't natural.
snusmumrikk: Looks like getting into it; most of Moscovites leave town for the weekend to "listen the silence" as they put it
SawNakedRussian: It's quite peaceful. Also cold :c I can't even stay inside in jeans and a sweater, and then Stan is running around in a T-shirt
| 20 | 76.95 | |
1382415438 | 1382461157 | null | t5_2to41 | 298 | Scratch_My_Balls: TIFU by having sex with an employee without a condom
I had received free tickets to a football game yesterday. None of my friends could go on such short notice so I asked a girl who worked for me since I knew she had the day off. She's 7 years younger then me and I thought she was gay, being that I've heard her talking about breaking up with her girlfriend. We go to the game, have a great time and come back to my place. We have very similar taste in music so I throw on some concert vids and make her dinner. I haven't had a date in a while and it was nice to hang out with a member of the opposite sex. We eat and start drinking again (already had a few beers at the game). Next thing I know, we're drunk and making out. We stop for a minute and I ask "I thought you liked girls?". She is bi. We drink more, continue to make out and proceed to get naked. We then have awkward drunken sex as I tell her how cool I think she is. We stop after a while as I am so drunk I can barely stay hard and I knew I wouldn't be able to finish anyway. We drink more and then pass out. This morning I wake up with rock hard morning wood. After a quick pee, we have sex again. This time it's really good. She's on top and I can feel myself reaching the point of no return. I try to pull out but, she's grinding so hard I couldn't get it out in time and shot at least half a load into her. She is not on birth control. The worst part is as soon as I came I realized that even though I liked her I wasn't really interested in a relationship with her. Now, I have about a day to convince her to take Plan-B.
Edit: Update if anyone is interested (because I know redditors hate to be left hanging). I got Plan B and gave it to her. She said "What's this?", opened the bag, started laughing and thanked me. I still haven't been able to have a talk to her about our intentions.
PotatoRacingTeam: You sir, are an asshole. Trust me, I'm an asshole too. Just a different type of asshole.
JemsMckinley: Surprisingly your username and your comment both make me not like you
PotatoRacingTeam: Good, jerk. I ain't out here to fucking win friends. This other asshole should have treated this lady with more respect, and I'm the dick for calling him out on it? [Fuck me, right?](http://imgur.com/jO3r1vK)
JemsMckinley: People having sex is not disrespectful to women
PotatoRacingTeam: No, but not using protection, and then being all "Uhh, yeah... you should probably morning after or something" is totally disrespectful. I knows bangin' is fucking sweet, but at least like a girl if you're gonna fuck'er is all I'm saying here.
[deleted]: What? If I had to like a girl to bone her, my boning would be down almost 100%. Terrible idea.
PotatoRacingTeam: Well, yeah. There is that.
| 8 | 37.25 | |
1382408130 | 1382426739 | null | t5_2to41 | 89 | CreamWafers: TIFU several times in the shower.
So it's my first year at a boarding school. So we have this crappy locker room that has been around for 20-30 years.
Anyways, I did my homework and ate dinner before my shower tonight. That's the first fuckup. As it turns out, if you're the last one there the shower is almost guaranteed to be cold. And there's no space heating upstairs either, which makes it even colder.
No big deal, I'll just bite the bullet and shower anyway. But shit, this person is combing her hair in the mirror right in front of me, so I don't want to get naked behind the see-through shower curtain and flash her. So I close the door to the shower and de-robe in there, throwing it over the door so it lands outside. That was fuckup #2. The bathrobe became soaking wet on the floor.
But it doesn't end there. The hook where you put your container with shampoo, soap, etc is very flimsy. So after I got myself some shampoo, when I put it back the hook broke and the container fell, scattering my stuff everywhere. I needed to pick the stuff up, but I didn't want to put on my soaking wet bathrobe (the only garment available) So here comes fuckup #3! I decide to, very quickly, jump out of the shower naked and grab everything. If I do it like a ninja, nobody will walk in right? Wrong... That person who was combing her hair before came in AGAIN as I was bent over picking stuff up, and she got a pretty embarrassing view.
So I finish the shower, pretty much fuming with frustration and embarrassment, put on my soaking wet robe, and waddle away. By the time I get back, I have developed a hatred for the entire known universe.
**tl;dr:**A chain of unlucky events results in a shower from hell.
BlackPresident: lol
Captncuddles: obama's not so secret username?
| 3 | 29.666667 | |
1382422304 | 1382459818 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | GoldXP: TIFU By giving a teacher a gift
I graduated High School when I was 18. When I left I got along very well with two teachers. You know those teachers that you feel like you could trust and confide things in? That's what they where to me. Let's called them Mr Blue and Mrs Red. When I graduated I stayed as a math tutor. For my 18th birthday I swept Mrs Reds classroom and helped move stuff around. She thanked me, gave me a birthday card, and reminded that she was their for me whenever I needed anything (Mr Blue would tell me the same thing). Around the time I left as a tutor was also Mrs Reds birthday. I gave her mittens and birthday card. The next day she wrote me an email telling me how she loved the mittens, the card I gave her made her cry, and she wanted to buy me dinner. I returned the next day, she received me with a warm hug, when I told her that she didn't need to buy me dinner, she insisted that we must have dinner to catch up. I also called her by her first name. At her request and insistence.
We never did go out for dinner.
Fast forward about a year later comes Mrs Reds birthday again, so I buy a stuffed Elephant. I went to the school, the office lady told me that now I needed to make an appointment before I visit teachers. I said "That's fine, I understand". I asked the office lady if I could leave it with her and come back another time. I asked Mr Blue if I could stop by next week for one last visit before I went on about my life. He agreed.
I returned the following week, and that's when shit hit the fan and my world turned upside down.
I arrived on campus, and before I got to say a word the office lady called the Principal. She called saying "Uhhh...John Doe is here". Immediately the principle says she wants to talk to me outside. We went outside when she informed me that I had made Mrs Red very uncomfortable with my gift, she lectured on how inappropriate it was for a student to give teachers gifts, and the death blow being that I was no longer allowed on campus. That would explain the dirty looks people gave me when I walked in.
I felt very disgusted and insulted by what she was telling me. Even if I was allowed back on campus, I don't wanna go back. My name is mud, everyone thinks I'm some kind of sexual deviant, a criminal that needs to be locked away. I swallowed my emotions, apologized and went on my way.
I got in touch with Mr Blue the next day and he informed me what was going on. Since the time I last saw Mrs Red, she dealt with two or three students who professed their love for her. The students stalked her on Facebook, one of them threatened to cut / harm himself, etc.
He also told me how he knew what I meant, I didn't know the situation nor did I mean to scare anyone. And regardless of what happened, he would still be their for just like he said he would be. Those words made me feel happy.
I'm going to talk to Mr Blue soon. Hopefully he'll tell me some positive news.
Right now I'm feeling a mix of emotions. I'm sad Mrs Red is going through that, I'm angry by the ridiculous allegations the Principle told me, and I'm happy that at least one teachers doesn't think I'm a werido. I'm willing to admit I made a mistake. I don't think I should be treated like a criminal because of a simple misunderstanding.
That really was my last day on campus. It just didn't go as I would of hoped.
BirdistheWyrd: Sounds to me like SHE should have stuck up for you!
GoldXP: My guess is that she's shaken over the creepy stalkers she has and the school doesn't want to take any chances.
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1382435958 | 1382765449 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | Caspern: TIFU by turning on my headlights.
Just before all of this, I've gotta mention that I'm Asian. (Here we go)
And for this particular scene, I was driving. Rather, I *have* been driving like a complete fuck-up. Now, just to be clear, I haven't been into the automobile-driving business long- probably about 5 months into it.
I've just recently learned that I had my high-beam switch perpetually forward, which means that every time, every instance I used my headlights, my high-beams would also turn on. So basically, morning and night. Every bloody time I would go out during those hours.
So for about...I would estimate, 2-months solid, I've been driving like a fuck-up. I'm sorry everyone I blinded. Also, I actually didn't know that you're not supposed to leave your high-beams on, in the occasion someone passes you. So I *literally* blinded everyone I passed.
I think I should just ride a scooter instead, now.
**THE GOOD NEWS**- I don't have my high-beams permanently switched on anymore.
**TL;DR**- Asian guy can't drive, and blinds everyone.
krunkfumanchu: That's ok. I'm pretty sure it's in your Asian DNA.
Caspern: It hurts, because it's probably true.
krunkfumanchu: Sorry, guy. There should be a blue light on your dash console. It is an indicator whether your lights are on high or not.
http://dashboardsymbols.com/2010/09/high-beam-on-indicator-symbol/
BrownNote: Based on the rest of his post, I'm imaging he just thought that was the "headlights on" light.
| 5 | 5.6 | |
1382450341 | 1382468644 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,194 | [deleted]: TIFU by going swimming
Last weekend my family rented this fancy holiday home to celebrate my brothers birthday. My brother (who is very christian and is waiting till he gets married to have sex) turned 26 so my parents put a little shindig together. Not far from town we got this awesome place with a sweet layout, enough beds for 10 and it had a pool.
Anyway, the night of the birthday bash a bunch of his friends are there, my parents as well as myself and my girlfriend. The party goes late and my girlfriend and I retire for a bit of alone time. The next morning she reminds me theres a condom under the bed and I should take care of that. So I shove it in the pocket of my shorts and move on to breakfast. A little later, I'm enticed to go swimming as a serious game of pool baseball is breaking out. Pretty much everyone is in or around the pool. I jump in to bat and two seconds later I see the blue condom wrapper float to the top. It takes a second to register what it is but with ninja reflexes I scoop it up before anyone gets a good eye on it. My brother who saw something coloured loudly asks "What's that blue thing?" conveniently drawing everyones attention on me. With the wrapper secure I quickly fumble around seeing if the actual condom is there. My heart stops, my pocket is empty. Looking around it the water it hasn't surfaced yet, so I scoop my hands hoping to catch it before the bitch surfaces. My sweeping hands push the water around drifting the condom further away and it surfaces well out of my reach, perfectly on display. My brother freaks the fuck out and the whole pool just clears out like the home team is losing with a few minutes to go. Making it 1000 times worse for my girlfriend who was sitting by the pool tanning and probably throwing up in her mouth. My favourite part - my mom gets fucking furious when we get home and life is nice and awkward for a bit.
NjDeVs07: Who the hell just sticks a used condom in their pocket?
Granpafunk: I don't think it was used, given the op's post. That's just me though.
Sounds like an unopened extra one was under the bed and she didn't want to leave it there.
Edit: I was mistaken.
[deleted]: But OP said that he first grabbed the wrapper, and then saw the actual condom floating away.
I'm pretty sure it was used. But then again only OP can clarify.
Granpafunk: Upon further review it seems as though the OP put a used condom back into it's wrapper... I'm calling bullshit on this story.
[deleted]: Wait, what? I don't see how that makes the story bullshit.
If I had to hide a used condom in my pocket and I still had the wrapper handy I would sure as hell stick it back in the wrapper and THEN put it in my pocket.
I mean...I wouldn't be putting a used condom in my pocket in the first place unless I absolutely had to. But, if I did I would want to stick in in the wrapper first.
Granpafunk: The logistics of putting a used condom (assuming he blew his load in the condom) back into the condom wrapper make the story hard to, swallow...
omegasus: You tie up the condom first.
Granpafunk: That seriously works? I don't see how.
omegasus: I've definitely tied up a condom before. You take the open end and tie a knot, as one would expect. I don't know about fitting it back into the wrapper and all that, but I assume the first step would be securing the opening.
| 10 | 119.4 | |
1382453057 | 1382511625 | null | t5_2to41 | 721 | Chilaxbro: TIFU by posting a computer repair ad and getting fired from my job of 2 years.
I have working with a certain company down here in Alabama who does electronic recycling, and they also sell products like computers, servers, switches, and a whole lot of other business equipment. They also have a small store which is set to close at the end of the year. They offer computer repair on the side, but it isn't very big and they only have someone work on computers 6 hours a week at most. I used to work at both locations, and I used to do full time computer repair for the store until they moved me to the main location, and put me in a customer service position for our eBay department. Well, I love computer repair, and they completely removed me from being able to preform computer repair at work, so I posted an ad on craigslist to repair computers on my own time after work. My boss didn't like this, and terminated me on the spot because he says it competes with our store. No warning. No suspension. Just straight up termination. I have worked with this company for about 2 years and 3 months with no write ups or really any disciplinary action, and the next day I am just completely terminated.
TL;DR: Posted a computer repair ad because I love working on computers on my own time. Boss saw it as competition and fired me after 2 years of employment.
bubonis: Unless you signed a document that had a non-competition clause in it, or an exclusive employee clause in it, this may not be legal. What you do in your own time is your own business, so to speak.
Chilaxbro: He mentioned during the meeting we had that there was a non-competition clause in my contract; however, at the time I signed it we did not even offer computer repair, but I assume that does not matter. This is my own fault for not double checking, but I did not think the repercussions would hit me this hard.
Baridbelmedar: I'd still double check with an attorney. And hey, he terminated you, might as well check your unemployment benefits. Good luck.
Chilaxbro: I filed unemployment within hours of being terminated. I don't really want to use employment, but I figured it would be a backup if I could not find other jobs.
JokersSmile: Use unemployment. Your old company is the one that foots the bill. That's why they have unemployment insurance.
Chilaxbro: How long am I allowed to use employment for though? I really know nothing about employment as I have been employed steadily since I was 15.
Xscepi: This varies state by state I believe. The amount you receive also varies some. I would check your Alabama's unemployment website for the most accurate details.
moderatelybadass: Wait... Did OP say it's, "Alabama"?
Or maybe you had some sort of autocorrect flub...
(Edit: I don't know how I missed that detail in OP's post. I'm sorry about that confusion. I wasn't meaning to be critical, btw. It's the type of thing I'd expect my phone to do. It stores info about my typing to make typing easier, and one of the ways it does so is remembering words which are often typed together. This can cause occasional issues with auto-suggesting words unnecessarily.)
Ormolus: In OP's original post in the first sentence he says he's in Alabama.
| 10 | 72.1 | |
1382469230 | 1382491666 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | p00py_pants: TIFU by shitting at work.
I made a throwaway account for obvious reasons; but I wanted to share since you guys will probably enjoy my misery more than I do.
Today, no more than 20 minutes ago in fact, I was merrily sitting at my desk browsing Reddit and doing some reconciling for September. Suddenly - and violently - I felt the urge to shit. Now this isn't really anything new to me because I have Colitis; this means that when I get the urge to poop, I'd better find a toilet *fast*. I'm fine one minute, and the next I'm prairie doggin'. That's my life with this illness.
However, this particular instance, it hit so quickly I could feel my butthole puckering rapidly to try to keep it inside of me. "Well fuck," I thought, as I scurried to the usually-empty break room bathroom. The bathroom three flights of stairs below me. Luckily it was empty as I had hoped. Just as I thought I was home free, I pulled down my pants and a smell emanated. There was a blob of diarrhea in my panties. Fuuuuuck!
Whatever, I'll just wipe that shit out while I'm doing my thing on the toilet. A massive dumpy diarrhea comes out, which requires several wipes. Too much toilet paper; now the fucking toilet is clogged, on top of my shitty underwear problem. Great.
I make my stealthy exit back upstairs and, try as I might to get all the poop out of my undies, I can still smell it as I'm walking. I don't want to be smelly for the last two hours of work.
Then I saw a ray of light through all of this - I am headed out right after work so I had a complete change of clothes in my car! I had forgotten about this savior! I ran out, got my bag, went in the bathroom right next to my office to change, plastic bagged the dirty ones, and brought all the evidence of changing back out to my car.
On the way back up to my office, I heard two co-workers discussing how bad the bathroom downstairs smelled, and that it must have been Jeff that clogged it. Poor Jeff.
So folks, today is the day I shit my pants. I never thought it would happen to me. Especially after all the laughs you guys have given me about pooping in yours.
^Also, ^I'm ^a ^girl ^- ^*surprise*!
Edit: After thinking about it, I wonder if this had anything to do with the Taco Bell I had for lunch. Damn you, 1/2 lb cheesy potato burrito!!
All_Is_Not_Self: When something like this happens to me and I don't have any spare panties to change into, I usually just clean up my ass and remove my panties completely, putting them into the trash somewhere, if necessary.
(If diarrhea gets into your actual pants, you're probably fucked.)
tl;dr: It's better to wear no panties at all than to wear poopy ones
^I'm ^a ^girl, ^too
Reads_Small_Text_Bot: > I'm a girl too
All_Is_Not_Self: It's not that small, silly bot.
Mygusta55: You mean:
^its ^^not ^^^that ^^^^small ^^^^^silly ^^^^^^bot
| 5 | 8 | |
1382478843 | 1382818326 | null | t5_2to41 | 141 | plsdntanxiety: TIFU by whacking myself in the balls four times
I was dreaming and in my dream, a cockroach was about to [fly at me](http://pestcemetery.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/flying-roach-pest-cemetery.jpg)
I raised my hand in defence and covered myself in a blanket, the roach landed and was crawling around the blanket, I thought I felt it near my hand and bashed it away as hard as I could in four quick open hand slaps. Full force.
In real life, my hand was resting by my side, I apparently raised it, adjusted it right over my balls, and bashed them four times with machine gun speed.
I woke up instantly, full of regret, and as I heard my alarm go off one minute or so later, I had to ask my wife to get up first to start the day and give me 'a minute.'
It's nearly been an hour and I can still barely walk. The morning piss was a challenge. Reddit, I do not recommend doing this. Take note.
tl;dr: dream-assaulted myself irl in balls. Pain ensued.
juicylips336: I lived in a house that had rats chewing through the floor. The landlord wouldn't do anything so I moved. I constantly dreamed about the rats and was always in fear when I heard any noise. One night I was dreaming about life sized rats and we were in battle. I took a huge swing at the rat and in real life punched a hole in my wall. Didn't dream about rats anymore.
Mrminecrafthimself: Of course you didn't. You won.
juicylips336: Thank you. I feel like I really did win.
Mrminecrafthimself: Those cockroaches can't even **touch** you, juicylips!!
| 5 | 28.2 | |
1382482999 | 1382483101 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | mooncloud: TIFU by jacking off to loud porn with my windows open and my mini blinds down...
1st edit: I didn't pay attention to the time and it's when all the kids are coming home from school.
[deleted]: How is that fucking up?
mooncloud: small kids were outside playing in their yard, i have loud speakers
| 3 | 2 | |
1382492342 | 1382544873 | null | t5_2to41 | 41 | CHUNKY101: TIFU byt telling my guy friend about a sex dream I had about him
I had a sex dream about my guy friend and I tried to act normal around him but I was unable to. After his pestering I finally told him that I had a sex dream about him. After that class ended and I left him standing in shock. Later, instead of going to lunch and risking running into him I hid out in the library unfortunately, for me he reads a lot of books and found me at the library. We talked and things are still awkward between us and I think I might have ruined a friendship.
Coachskau: I'd just shout __*"THOU REAPETH WHAT THY SOW, KNAVE!!"*__
CenabisBene: Reapeth would be third person. Also, thy is possessive. "Thou reapst what thou dost sow" would be more accurate.
moderatelybadass: I don't know why it bothers me so much when people try to emulate earlier Modern English with wanton abandon. I get the same frustration from it as I get from someone putting on a flat, stereotypical version of another culture's speech patterns.
CenabisBene: Agreed. And props on calling it earlier Modern English. Far too many people call that Old English.
| 5 | 8.2 | |
1382495984 | 1382539376 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,404 | [deleted]: TIFU by concluding my college essay with "FUCK FUCK FUCK TITTY FUCK!!!"
So I have to submit these weekly mini 1-2 page essays online for my English class at University. Today at the beginning of class my professor told me he'd like to talk to me after class, which was odd since I have a good grade in it and was not missing any assignments or tests. So after class I wait for everyone to leave and I go up to him and ask what he needed to see me about. He says he wants to show me something and tells me to come to his computer to see. He shows me an essay I wrote about a week ago and the last sentence said the word "FUCK" like 10 times followed by one final "TITTY FUCK!". I was extremely shocked and embarrassed and I had no words to explain to him how it got there. He told me it was okay and that I was not going to be penalized, but he just wanted to bring it to my attention. I later today found out it was my room mate who typed it into my essay while I was away from my computer, I clicked "submit" without proof reading it once I got back.
LuxRex: Good thing your professor wasn't a "she", not sure how that would have gone down.
[deleted]: I'm pretty sure I know what would have *gone down* ;)
trendkill3388: ORAL SEX! HE MEANS ORAL SEX!
AwkwardCow: GOSH YOU DON'T HAVE TO YELL AND TELL EVERYONE THAT HE MEANT **ORAL SEX** GEEZ!!
trendkill3388: I'M NOT YELLING, IT'S JUST INTERNATIONAL CAPS LOCK DAY!
captaincrunchie: Calm down kids.
speaknott: WHY?! IT'S INTERNATIONAL CAPS LOCK DAY!
captaincrunchie: You're not funny.
doulikemynoveltyacct: AM I FUNNY?
captaincrunchie: Dude, just stop.
festeringBarnacles: It actually really is international caps lock day. It's a real thing.
eastern_canadient: OH YEAH? WHY AREN'T YOU CELEBRATING THEN?!
festeringBarnacles: It's against my religion.
| 14 | 100.285714 | |
1382477418 | 1382502541 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | somedelightfulmoron: TIFU by looking young
It's my grandparents last day in Ireland before they go back to the US tomorrow and they called me just after work to buy some Bailey's Irish Cream as a souvenir. They loved the drink so much we had to make sure we have Bailey's or Maloney's (same thing, different brand) during their stay. So as a remembrance, I went to the local Tesco's, took three bottles and went to the till to pay. Till person looked me up and down and said "you have ID?". I've been to bars and pubs and wasn't questioned with my alcoholic beverages. Guy was like "you look 16 so I need to check". I don't have any ID with me since I don't drive and do not need my passport all the time so I replied no.
MFW I walked the walk of shame in the groceries. Two old ladies were sniggering behind me.
MFW my grandparents were so disappointed while they packed their luggage.
MFW I'm 25. Uuughhh.
bernica: Before I bothered getting a license, I had an 18+ card. Don't know if they have anything similar where you are, I'm in Aus.
KingEmpororFapsy: Heh, my brother didnt have legal ID when he tried getting into the clubs after me
good night was had
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1382488747 | 1382508824 | null | t5_2to41 | 49 | relevantsam: TIFU by causing non-accepted students to receive acceptance calls
I'm a student web developer and my boss was put in charge of creating a system to track incoming students for one of the colleges in my university that would enable student recruiters to more effectively reach out to students.
This quickly became exclusively my job, and has become more and more complex as time has gone on. We're talking about a 40-50 page web system with tens of thousands of lines of code behind it.
Unfortunately I have recently had to take two weeks off due to a surgery and the deadline for the system to be finished was during that time. It looks like they went ahead and just scrambled some bits together at the end and started using it.
Part of the system is a sub-system to help student recruiters to call students by pulling up the name and number of a student to call who has not yet been called. At some point, this shifted into a system for student recruiters to use to make acceptance calls.
Here's the fuck up - I never added a checker to see if the student being called had been accepted.
So tonight the system went live (without anyone else looking at it I suppose) and student workers began calling students and congratulating them on their acceptance.. until:
>Hello Student A, this is Student Recruiter B calling from University C to congratulate you on your acceptance to the College of D!
>Uhm, hi Student Recruiter B, I haven't applied yet but awesome!
>ohshit.jpg
Then I got a call from my boss and now I'm waiting to see if he's going to come pick me up to fix it (still recovering from surgery and can't drive)
**TLDR**: Anyone with a phone number in a system I built for a college at the university I go to is getting a call tonight congratulating them on their acceptance, accepted or not, because I forgot 6 lines of code.
ilikeoctopi: As someone who is currently applying to grad schools, this would devastating if I didn't actually get in. Not really your fault, but its unfortunate.
relevantsam: It's the worst kind of situation. Luckily only ~20 wrong calls were made before someone caught it.
| 3 | 16.333333 | |
1382486267 | 1382552202 | null | t5_2to41 | 49 | AmishJohn81: TIFU by making my girl cry.
[BREAKING BAD SPOILERS]
Today I was over at my girlfriend's house. She is a goody-goody and so is her whole family. We were bored so we put on Netflix. Her mom was there and bored as well so she wanted to watch something with us. We have heard all about how good Breaking Bad is, so we thought we would check it out. Season 1, Episode 1 starts up and all is well. It's the character Walt's birthday and his wife starts jerking him off under the covers. My girlfriend's mom gets up and says, "That's enough for me." and leaves the room as quickly as she could.
IT GETS WORSE.
We keep watching til the scene that Walt is hospitalized and diagnosed with cancer. Girlfriend starts bawling. I had forgotten that her uncle has cancer and is going to die in the next few weeks. It hit really close to home and I feel awful about it. I knew he had cancer in the story before we started watching. I didn't even think about it. Moral of the story: THINK ABOUT SHIT BEFORE YOU DO IT.
inevitabled34th: You did know that the majority of the show is about him having cancer and selling meth didn't you? I've never seen a single episode and I know that.
AmishJohn81: I forgot...
I know...
| 3 | 16.333333 | |
1382515650 | 1382518205 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | dischordiasnightmare: TIFU by looking for a jigsaw blade with my hand stuck in a piece of MDF instead of having a look. Was kind of inevitable really.
Lesson, you should not try and build things when you're sleep deprived. [There will be blood.](http://imgur.com/VgMaEHI)
ThisFaceLeftBlank: My God, talk about a, "Directions Unclear:" situation! How did you get your hand stuck in a piece of MDF!?
TL:DR - Beware the dangers of sleep-and-blood-deprived making-words-thing.
dischordiasnightmare: I was cutting out an intricate design with a lot of turns and curves with a jigsaw and the blade got stuck. I turned off the tool, and instead of looking for the blade by checking underneath, I brain blooped and felt for it instead.
I know I should be careful of the sleep-and-blood-deprived making-words-thing, but when you're not sleeping and the sedatives do nothing, there's still work to be done in the morning. lesson learned though :p
ThisFaceLeftBlank: Don't worry, I understood it. You see, I'm drunk, so that rather approximates the sleep-and-blood-deprived state. But hey, I wasn't going to let a little thing like that keep me from giving you a hard time :)
Remember, when transporting it to the hospital, don't put the detached finger or thumb DIRECTLY on the ice: wrap it in something first. Preferably not bread.
dischordiasnightmare: Sadly, that's actually good to know. During my first year of uni I had the workshop curse, and managed to injure myself every week for about six months straight.
I knew the curse had lifted when one of the other girls managed to staple her leg. Which was interesting because it had a safety on it that meant she would have had to be pressing it actually into her leg. About half of us thought it was deliberate.
| 5 | 3.6 | |
1382543433 | 1382586895 | null | t5_2to41 | 193 | dawrina: TIFU by putting my resume on Careerbuilder.com
So I recently graduated from college, and I'm looking for a full-time job like every other schmuck in this world.
The logical thing for me would be to put my resume on career builder, and start applying for some jobs. Done and done.
I got a call this morning for a company I applied to yesterday Global Marketing concepts to be exact. The woman on the phone was nice, and explained that she was looking for someone to manage accounts for her clients. I said great, count me in, and she set me up for an interview.I was suspicious after really looking at the name. Global marketing Concepts? What the fuck does that even mean? After some digging I found out it's actually a scam. You go to these interviews and they make you a door to door salesman for t-mobile.
Well fuck me.
Then I get ANOTHER call. This guy is apparently a head hunter for aflack. He says he wants to interview me for a marketing position. I accept. I google the position because he really didn't say much about it on the phone.
ANOTHER. FUCKING. SCAM.
This one apparently is for telemarketing for aflack.
I accepted 2 interviews that I'm going to have to blow off because I'm not getting conned into being a door to door salesman OR a fucking telemarketer.
ohjordyn: You can't really call it a scam. They are actually looking to employ someone. Just because sales isn't for you doesnt mean it's a "scam"
dawrina: It's a scam when they tell you you're going to be managing customer accounts when in reality you're selling t-mobile door to door.
I'm pretty sure that's the definition of "scam"
MIDItheKID: No, a scam is one of those companies which tells you you can make $1000+ a month for building refrigerator magnets. It only costs $60 for the starter kit, and just from that kit alone, you can make $200. So you buy the kit, build a bunch of little magnet things, and send it back to them. They decide that 80% of the magnets you made were sub-par and then charge you the extra costs.
The positions you were asked about are what we call "shitty jobs". You will get paid an hourly rate, and you will be covered by other wage laws and stuff like that. Just because you are being drafted for a telemarketing agency doesn't mean it's a scam.
dawrina: It's not a telemarketing job.
I'm calling it a "scam" because the woman over the phone said that I'd be interviewed for a position managing accounts for corporate clients. The position I applied for was this.
When I googled the company, I found people who had applied for similar jobs. When they went to the interview, they were asked questions unrelated to the job opening then were called back for a second interview. During that interview, they were told that they'd be following an "account executive" for a day to see what they did.
That's when they found out the job was selling t-mobile door to door. Barging in on companies and demanding their phone bills. The job pays on commission. There IS no base salary because you make what you sell.
Sure, it's a job and you get paid, but getting told you're going to be managing accounts, then finding out you're selling door to door is misleading, underhanded, and a SCAM.
I don't understand how that doesn't scream scam to you.
MIDItheKID: When you work this job, will you be losing any money? If no, then it's not a scam. A scam is where you go in, and come out with less money than you had. For example, something like CutCo. In order to start with cutco, you *are required* to buy the basic starter kit. If you can't sell that kit, tough shit, that's on you. That right there is a scam.
You are still talking about a shitty salesman job. Sure, they are being shady about the job description, but selling account is technically managing them. And if they decide that somebody who does well at the job is titled an "account executive", then that's up to them.
dawrina: Scamming you into a job you don't want is still a scam, regardless if you lose money over it.
I don't even see how it's Legal, honestly. Having a position posted for a very specific job, then when you start you're doing something completely different. That's like me promising someone a teaching job at a school and telling them they have to clean toilets at the school instead.
TheMaguffin: The issue is that they aren't lying, there is no legal definition of account manager so their definition is just as valid as yours. I don't understand why you're pissed, even if these people are scum all you did was answer your phone and talk to them. Go to the interviews to get some practice or ditch them completely but if you can google "t-mobile account manager scam" and find out that you got your hopes up, that's not a scam, it's a sales tactic.
Also what did you think would happen? You're going to get a great entry level job by just posting your resume online? Get out there and network and stop whining to reddit because you got offered a job you don't want to do.
Citation: my experience being offered dozens of similar positions, screening them and not crying about scammers
dawrina: That wasn't my intention. I, just like every one else, am trying to get a good job. I didn't post my resume to get harassed by companies cold calling me so that I could be tricked into selling products for them. I joined the site to look for jobs. The same reason I put my resume on linkedin.
And hello, why do you think this forum was made? Don't come to TIFU if you don't want to see people "whining on the internet." Do you go every thread and dote words of wisdom? "Stop eating taco bell before going to work, maybe then you won't shit your pants."
I posted my story here so people can be like "Oh way to go lol not," not so people like you can give me a lecture while sitting high and mighty on your throne of awesome jobs.
TheMaguffin: TIFU is for when things are actually fuck ups, shitting your pants, swimming with a used condom that your entire family sees, shoving magnets up your dick and going to the hospital. Not posting your resume online and getting two phone calls from people calling you and trying to sell you on a job opportunity.
And my throne of awesome employment? I own a small business I run myself, and one of my chief and most successful marketing techniques... Which I do twice a week 9 hours a day for between $100-$750 in sales.
| 10 | 19.3 | |
1382498887 | 1382564438 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | Shintri: BY chucking a sickie
barnacledoor: Uh, this post makes no sense to unfortunate American me.
Shintri: Sorry about the slang..... calling in sick at work and having the day off.
barnacledoor: So, you took the day off because you were sick and one of the other people on your team took care of a travel request? And they were capable and expected to do this? How is this a fuck up at all? "I called in sick and everything was business as usual."
Shintri: The fuck up was I could have gone overseas for work but missed out.
barnacledoor: Ah, I thought you were someone who processes other people's travel requests. Lol.
| 6 | 2 | |
1382541300 | 1382555090 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | frsp: TIFU by not thinking before speaking.
I'm sitting in my study hall, deeply ashamed.
A few minutes ago we were at lunch, laughing it up over a bizarre Cosmo-style sex tips article we found on the internet. After being given a laundry list of what to eat and what not to eat for better tasting semen, I announced, "Well, I'm not planning to eat my jizz any time soon, so..."
I'm pretty sure they were laughing at me, not with me.
I feel like I'm not going to live this down any time soon. Oh God, why?
inevitabled34th: I've eaten my jizz before. It's not that bad...
funny1humor: eww just eww..
inevitabled34th: Try it, you'd be surprised. It really turns some girls on.
funny1humor: :O
| 5 | 2 | |
1382533742 | 1382570487 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | StormMFeel: TIFU by making my teacher think I'm a lesbian
So, there i was. Sitting in culture-class. With all the backseat kissers and other students not paying attention at all. Today i think it was like 3/4 not being at school (always).
I got a popsicle from my boyfriend friend =) they had been
to the local store nearby, and it was a REALLY HOT day. it was at least
45 degrees outside. We couldn't even walk.
So we had to sit inside with the fan in our free time because of the
extremely hot weather!
Cutting to the chase: So my teacher asked me what i'm going to do next summer, and i could barely think in the heat. Plus she had a very showing cleavage with a white shirt showing most of her breast. She bent forward of exhaustion.
ALL OF A SUDDEN. co-worker appears, she looks to her left as she responds to him.
THEN my popsicle starts melting (and it melted Really! fast like 0mg!)
the tip of my popsicle fell into her cleavage as she was talking to her
co-worker. Then she shakes (don't know how to describe that) her shirt so that that half of my popsicle fell down into her bra.
..
You know what happens next.
*_* absolutely the most awkward moment Ive had in my life and probably will ever have.
Black_Pearls: 45 degrees Fahrenheit or Celsius?
gordon-shumway-alf: 45 C=113 F
Black_Pearls: Oh wow lol that's hawt
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1382561400 | 1382564361 | null | t5_2to41 | -8 | [deleted]: TIFU by wearing spandex/nylon panties during my lunchtime workout.
Dat smell.
shaker_not_shaken: The smell of victory?
[deleted]: That's one way of putting it.
| 3 | -2.666667 | |
1382565224 | 1382574657 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | mrtubbard: TIFU by waving to a cat while I was jogging
Jagerz: Did it wave back?
TheIonicCrusader: http://static1.businessinsider.com/image/51963a396bb3f77b52000004/reddits-ad-sales-pitch-deck-featuring-grumpy-cat-and-the-beastmaster-is-mindblowing.jpg
| 3 | 2 | |
1382567366 | 1382672661 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | blindeatingspaghetti: TIFU by being not careful with clothing dye.
"I know!" said a project-hungry and energetic me of 3 hours ago. "I can breathe new life into these khaki-colored corduroys by dyeing them! How about a nice fall tone - burgundy! Yeah!"
I jaunted to my local craft store and purchased dye, rubber gloves, and salt. "I have everything I need for my new equation for pants. Time to get cracking!" I carefully put on the rubber gloves - wouldn't want to stain these dainty fingers of mine! I filled the washing machine with hot water and salt, mixing carefully as not to let even one drop of the saltwater mixture splash over - not one! I couldn't be a fool and forget to shake the mixture bottle, so I took off the lid, saw the sealed bottle, and sh---
Red Wedding. In my bathroom.
Not only all over my entire body and clothes, but the toilet, floors, dryer, walls....I happened to have a burgundy-colored towel that I used to sop up most of the mess, hastily launching it into the sink and then back onto the floor, perhaps just smearing the blood-colored spatters rather than cleaning them. Just a few minutes until my new burgundy pants are ready - plus burgundy shirt and other shirt and underwear that got ruined in the process.
Today, reddit, I fucked up. P.S. - Setting: Mom's basement bathroom in house which is getting appraised tomorrow.
**EDIT: [Imgur album](http://imgur.com/a/Dcisp) with before/after results plus superhot model.**
cyberchief: sorry, Im not following. you saw the sealed bottle, then what?
blindeatingspaghetti: I saw the seal and then shook it...but apparently the seal was just like a little thin cardboard piece sitting on top of it rather than an actual seal. I even thought, "Maaaaaaaybe I should put the cap back on before shakin--" but started doing it before securing the cap...SO typical blindeatingspaghetti! ugh.
pixelated_fun: I like the purple blouse and the pants look great. I had forgotten one can redye clothing at home. Still, I would use the commercial laundromat. It's a bitch to clean out the machine once you're done.
blindeatingspaghetti: i just immediately ran a full load of warm water, detergent, and a cup of bleach (as the back of the dye package suggested) and had no problem with clean-up...thank god.
| 5 | 5.8 | |
1382574989 | 1382627410 | null | t5_2to41 | 3,153 | palelove: TIFU by having morning sex
I nicked my boyfriends penis with my nail.
He said he was perfectly fine and didn't feel a thing. Didn't think twice about it, continued and finished.
I went to morning pee...peed out A LOT of blood. Uh oh. What's this from? I already had my period a week earlier.
"Babe, check your dick."
Yep. Made a pretty nice sized gouge in his dick. He said he really didn't even feel it happen.
Also, it was *the* most amazing sex we've ever had to date...I guess my vagina likes penis blood.
InfiniteQuasar: Be careful, it may has acquired the taste and wants more.
ckyxasg: Vagina Dentata
ThatsSciencetastic: What a wonderful phrase.
curtmack: It means no babies for the rest of your days!
scrubcat: It's a baby-free philosophyyyyyy, Vagina Dentata!
Sukismeg: Some days... I really really LOVE reddit.
T2112: Its like any drug addiction, you hate it but you want more and convince yourself you like it.
WASH_YOUR_VAGINA: New for the gift exchange - Reddit themed syringes!
| 9 | 350.333333 | |
1382580484 | 1382653322 | null | t5_2to41 | 102 | DatFLank: TIFU by trusting the internet
So I had heard about a subreddit called /r/gameswap and decided to try it out. I talked to a guy and agreed to trade my GTAV (among other games) for his 3DS and some of his games. We talked back and forth for awhile and decided a date to ship. I ship, he CLAIMS to ship. I try to send him another message, but I find he's deleted his account. Just lost ~$200 worth of games and my innocence. Fuck.
TheRealMrMo: If you've shipped your goods, than you should have an adress of this guy...
Go get him.
DatFLank: I have his address, but I don't know what to do to him. Maybe you have some good ideas. Mind that he lives in New York an I live Oregon
TheRealMrMo: Write him a letter, let him know that you know where he lives, if you know what I mean. He should know that it is not done by deleting his account. That will help to build up a little pressure and write something about your lawyer and scam... It's worth a try.
inevitabled34th: Or just don't trust Reddit anymore. Huh, what do you think about that?
| 5 | 20.4 | |
1382582517 | 1382715703 | null | t5_2to41 | 37 | DWS_Robinson: TIFU by trying to keep my phone safe by putting it in a solo cup full of vodka.
Alcohol was involved. It seemed like the perfect place to not lose my phone. I hear a girl go "UMMMMMM." from across the room, then realize my mistake. I rushed to the kitchen to dry it out in some rice, but all I could find was seasoned rice. Suffice to say my very spicy phone is ruined.
aeast0228: Thats why I bought the otter box armor! I have put in a cup of water my clients have thrown it, tried biting it, tried smashing it, and it has survived the abuse of me dropping it constantly. :)
Black_Pearls: What the fuck do you do for a living lol.
aeast0228: I worked/work with nonverbal autistic boys and now I am working with clients that are in a group home with oppositional defiant disorder. Never know what will happen!
lacrimaeveneris: HAHAHA I was reading that description going "hey... that's why I have an Otter Box!" And then I read this comment and it all made sense. I work in a children's crisis unit. Saaaame problem.
aeast0228: LOL you totally get it! People always ask why i have such a bulky case and then I tell them what I do for work....makes sense.
lacrimaeveneris: Yep. Hurled at windows/walls/people, chewed on, dropped (by me), etc. Heh.
aeast0228: I hide my phone at the new place I work. They have ODD and can only imagine the damage my phone could do when hurled at things.
| 8 | 4.625 | |
1382582576 | 1382689731 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: Tifupdate sent mom an incriminating text message
Dodged a bullet with help from my big sister.
http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1p3gon/tifu_by_sending_accidentally_sending_an/
ExpertCrafter: Since OP sucks at editing original post:
http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1p3gon/tifu_by_sending_accidentally_sending_an/
dudewiththebling: I was on my phone.
| 3 | 1 | |
1382584212 | 1382758191 | null | t5_2to41 | 70 | [deleted]: TIFU and cut a weird bump off my side with scissors
I've had this small bump (about the size of a pea) on my side for a couple weeks now, it looks like a deeply in grown hair. I've squeezed it a few times in hopes of popping it to no avail. Today sitting at my desk, well past my time to be thinking I notice a pair of scissors. I think to myself this fucker on my side is gone! I grab the scissors pinch the skin around the bump to force the bump outward and cut it. No pain, which I though was weird.... Then I look down. I cut a decent chunk of flesh off all g with the bump and my side is bleeding uncontrollably. I've been in the bathroom for almost an hour using paper towel after paper towel in hopes to stop the bleeding. And to top it off no ingrown hair, just a really really white fleshy substance.
glandgames: I got one of those too. I can't afford to waste money on a doctor, so lemme know what it is.
DiagnosedFuckTard: As a Canadian I feel terrible reading this.
I'm sorry you have to ask redditors about potential health problems and not a real doctor.
glandgames: ..........................................................................................................................FUCK CANADA.
DiagnosedFuckTard: Sorry you feel that way
| 5 | 14 | |
1382586246 | 1382710386 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by teaching a little girl bad politics
Im a nanny, and it's stressful. I watch an 8 year old little girl who has extreme melt down temper tantrums from time to time. She is over tasked (lots of activities outside of school) and constantly disciplined. Im trying to take a new approach with her and I feel kind of bad that she's always in the dog house (mostly from her parents). Granted it's her own actions that get her there, but she's 8, she's learning. Today she had a meltdown and threw a shoe at her mother. This was a big fuck up for her. Her mother told her she was basically going to be in deep shit when her Dad gets home and she tells him what she (little girl) did.
I had to then take her out of the house and drive her to one of her activities. Im working on different ways of trying to correct her behavior (her parents and I have already discussed this being a problem) without the threat of constant discipline. When we had a moment alone, I told her she should apologize to her mother when we get home and tell her she would never throw a shoe at her again, so that it would make her parents less upset and perhaps reduce her harsh punishment she was bound to get. I told her it was no guarantee she would be in less trouble, but it was something she should do anyway. And that's where I fucked up. Instead of teaching her to apologize to her mother because it was wrong and she was sorry, I was teaching her how to bargain.
I think I was trying to help her because this kid is constantly in trouble. Im trying to be a good example and I totally fucked it up. I think I also knew she would never apologize to her mother simply because she was wrong, and was trying to have her look at it in a different light.
Her mom was working when we got home, and I left shortly after, so I have no idea if she did apologize.
And now I feel terrible. Im worried her parents will think Im teaching her horrible habits, and Im really doing the best I can with this kid. I dont even know what to say if this comes up tomorrow. Maybe Im making a big deal out of nothing, I do tend to sweat the small stuff. I just wish I had used better words. My intentions were good, but I fucked it up. I feel like an incompetent nanny.
TD;LR- told a kid I nanny to apologize to her mother to reduce her punishment, not because she was sorry. Feel like Im teaching bad habits.
Hefbit: Kids need more nuanced education than the television morals that are foisted upon them. I wish I was more prepared for the real world when I was a kid. Would have saved me a lot of strife. It's what made my late teens and twenties so hard.
houseofpluto: I appreciate you chiming in, but quite honestly, I dont know what you're referring to in the context of my post. These kids don't watch TV.
Hefbit: I wasn't saying they did. I was referring to the types of themes and ideas taught on children's television and used independent of television as well. I was meaning that kids need more than just *sharing is caring* and whatever else they get taught in places like preschool. That's not to say those things aren't valuable, they just need some extra dimension.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1382598447 | 1382661665 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU And hit friends
Yeah. Not a huge Redditor, so unfamiliar with Random (til about a week ago) and friends (about a day or so after I found Random). Hit friends, thinking, maybe it's like for locals or something, or like /r/penpals or something, you know? i-d-ten-t form stamped and approved. Got accused of "stalking" someone because I found this by accident, and on top of that, got triggered cuz the idiot thinks that rape is funny.
Guess the title of this post should have beenL TIFU by being in a relationship. I'm a failure.
z_z_: what?
harveyandharley: What is confusing to you?
Zer0MR: The whole thing.
harveyandharley: The shortcut bar might not be on Reddit. I have Res for Opera, and it's got some add-on features. Maybe this is why he doesn't understand how I could accidentally find his post. If you use Opera browser, you can see what I am talking about here:
http://redditenhancementsuite.com/download-opera.html
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1382588688 | 1382702761 | null | t5_2to41 | 42 | FlatCatPancake: TIFU Today I called out a "Vanirra Latte" to an interracial couple
I am 1/4 Asian (Phillipine), and I enjoy talking in an Asian accent with my friends. However, it's gotten a bit out of hand lately, and I've been trying to be more mindful of it. So of course ...
Regular customers at my coffee shop -- a white guy and an asian girl in their mid-20's. Girl changes up her order often while guy always orders a vanilla latte. They sat at a table together and waited for their drinks. I finished both, placed them on the bar, and announced, "10 oz mocha with whip and a 10 oz vanirra latte".
Minimal eye contact and uncomfortable smiles.
Not funny. :/
[deleted]: Was the TIFU really that you should ahve called out
"Ten ornce mocha with hwip and a ten ornce vanirra ratte" ??
xXFLAVORSXx: why so much emphasis on the h
[deleted]: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lich59xsjik
| 4 | 10.5 | |
1382630992 | 1382639885 | null | t5_2to41 | 118 | DanEdwards: TIFU by turning on a tap
Never really thought id end up postng here...
But today I really fucked up.
After oversleeping a couple hours, I get to work an hour half late and get straight to doing my work. My assignment today was to clean the mess from the construction (I work for a company that builds lifts in old apartments and the diamond saw makes a big ass mess).
Anyway, I go to fill up my bucket of water but it doesn't seem to be running, and I notice someone had turned off the main water valve to the tap and somewhere else. I opened it and started filling up my bucket...
About half a minute later I hear shouting and two plumbers run towards me in panic.
Turns out there was a water cut while they plumbers were working in an apartment, and I turned the whole buildings water on.
I had not been aware of this watercut, noone had told me, there were no warnings or signs about it. and most imporantly enough... the valve above the sink had nothing on it about it not being touched which it should have.
Apparently the apartment had somewhat flooded and started leaking to the apartment below.
Felt pretty shit for the rest of the day.
Hopefully... The company insurance should cover the accident.
TL;DR opened a valve during a watercut, flooded someones apartment and the one below.
fml
kingzombymandias: in college we ran out of toilet paper and i flushed a bunch of paper towels down the toilet not knowing the consequences. lets just say the girl under me was a budweiser model and was not very happy to have her ceiling cave in on her with dirty shitty toilet water. we didnt really speak after that.
coldvault: Oh man. After having some experience with shitty plumbing both here and abroad, the only thing I ever flush with waste is toilet paper. Even in new houses in the first world. Flushing wipes just ain't worth the risk.
| 3 | 39.333333 | |
1382642690 | 1382690008 | null | t5_2to41 | 5,557 | Spagster: TIFU by ruining a funeral procession.
I work a few miles away from where I live so I usually go home for lunch. I've saved tons of money, I get some time to myself, and generally it's just an enjoyable hour. I was in a pretty good mood today and when I'm in good mood I love to have jam sessions in my car. Today was the Foo Fighters. I'm cruising down the road, blasting some tunes, paying attention to where I'm going but not much else. There is a somewhat dangerous turn that I have to make to go home. It's a stop sign about 100 feet away from a pretty curvy turn through some thick tree/bush/overgrowth stuff. Basically you look both ways and get to scootin' and hope for the best.
I looked to my left, didn't see anyone, took that as my cue and made a right hand turn. I'm having a great time with the radio cranked up, anticipating some delicious sandwich that I wanted to make, and that's when I realized what was going on.
I caught up to a car in front of me and started noticing that there were a bunch of cars in front of that one...all with little flags on them. Oh, shit. It's a funeral procession. "Well at least I'm a the back of it! I'll slow down, give them some space out of respect and I'll be on my way."
For about a minute or two everything seemed fine. The funeral procession took a turn down a different road, and I continued on my way...then I noticed there were cars behind me. A lot of cars behind me.
I don't know how it happened because I always thought that funeral processions drove pretty tight together. I thought cops were always hanging out with these things, but I didn't see any. I'm not sure if it was the curvy road, a stop light, or what...but the damn thing got split in half...and I was in the middle! AND I AM LEADING IT NOW!
I have a flag on my car. It's an Ohio State antenna flag (Go Bucks!) and I love it, but today it fucked me over. [Looks kind of like this one](http://images.footballfanatics.com/FFImage/thumb.aspx?i=/productImages/_186000/FF_186124_xl.jpg&w=180). It was close enough in color to the maroon/red/some-color-that-I'm-sure-has-a-name that the others had on their flags I suppose, and maybe people got confused, because that whole line of cars was following me.
I turned into my neighborhood, and so did they.
I turned onto my street, and so did my following. I was leading these people off track and there was nothing I could do about it. I was the shepherd and they were my sheep. Poor sheep.
I'll be honest guys, I took the cowards way out. I really did. I opened my garage door when I was a house away, pulled into my garage, and closed the door. The line of cars was basically stopped in front of my house. They eventually drove off, aimlessly wandering, looking for the rest of their herd.
I ate my sandwich is silence. It was a pretty fucking delicious sandwich - sourdough, turkey, avocado, cheddar cheese, hot sauce and some Doritos for that extra crunch - but I'm sure it would have been even better had I not ruined that damn procession.
I feel like shit about it.
ThePlayfulPython: This was truly a great read - freaking hilarious.
I remember when I had first gotten my driver's license, I ended up in a funeral procession. At the time, I didn't know what it was (had never been to a funeral) and thought, "I'm in a parade!!!!!"
I was not in a parade.
noNoParts: Oddly I too 'joined' a parade when I got my license. It was a small gay pride parade going down a main street and the cross street I was on didn't have a barricade, so I looked left, saw a break in traffic with a motorcycle group moving slow, and turned right... behind a crowd of scantily clad men with rainbow banners waving to people on the sidewalk.
HolographicMetapod: http://i.imgur.com/9jYLyYw.gif
Ixistant: Well now I know I need a source for this gif!
HolographicMetapod: I wish I knew man. I really do.
Ixistant: After some googling, apparently the answer is Carl Hardwick. It's a very satisfying answer is all I'm saying...
HolographicMetapod: You rock dude.
http://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=1013046328
| 8 | 694.625 | |
1382660017 | 1382725139 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | Canadian21Bacon: TIFU by trying to be a nice guy.
My friend opened a store recently so my friend (not the store owner) and I decide to stop by and check some things out. We walk in and two guys are at the counter talking with my friend who is the store owner. Other people are walking around as well so, we start looking around. As we walk up to the counter I notice a purse sitting on the floor so I immediatley say
"hey I think some lady left her purse here!" and I pointed at it.
No one said anything for the first few seconds. Then one of the guys who were standing at the counter said
"that's mine"
I instantly felt terrible and apologize. He picked it up and first said it was his school bag, then his laptop bag. The guy next to him giggled, it didn't help at all. He kept standing there so I just awkwardly stepped away and pretended to look at thing's.
TLDR mistook a guy's school bag/laptop bag for a ladys purse.
LRats: I wouldn't really consider this a fuck up
kuavi: It's awkward but you did the right thing.
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1382664692 | 1382801214 | null | t5_2to41 | 307 | threwitinthebin: TIFU by throwing the condom in the bin
My boyfriend and I like to have sex. More importantly, we like to have safe sex. We double bag that sucker, don't want no babies in my inbox. So we use condoms along with BC. And when we're done making hot, sexy, passionate love, we wrap that wrapper in TP and I throw it in the bin. (Edit: because it's not clear, by double bag I mean both a condom and birth control--there are no double condoms in our bedroom).
Well, the the other day when we were getting our thing on, my dog got pissed because he wanted to 'play with us too' (poor thing has no idea what goes on in our bed). Of course he was exiled to the hallway. He didn't like that. Unbeknownst to us, he raided the bin (which he normally never does, this was clearly revenge) and *ate* the condom. Also shredded the rest of the garbage. But he just ate the condom. There was no sign of it.
Now, today, on his walk, he tries to go poop and seems to be having some trouble. Okay, a lot of trouble. And then I notice this tiny little bit of white near his bum hole. *Oh shit*.
Trying to find my bravery, I place a doggy bag over my hand and step up to my dog. I look around the park and pray no one is watching. Shit, they're a couple sitting down on the hill about 30m away. Maybe they won't notice.
I try to pull the bit of way away from my dog's end, but it's kind of stuck. I have to use a little more force. Then, slowly, *an entirely intact* condom snakes out of his arse, tip first. He runs off in surprise and then turns around, staring at me, as if asking me why the hell I put that in there. Stupid dog.
I look back towards the couple as I hastily turn the bag inside-out over the condom. They're staring at me in complete horror.
Because, yes, I screwed up and had to pull a condom out of my dog's ass.
Tom_Foolery1993: You should not double bag. The latex shifts and the friction between the two condoms will actually tear holes in both. You are far better off with just one.
threwitinthebin: Don't worry, I definitely mean that we use birth control and one condom at a time!
Sorry for the confusion :P
Tom_Foolery1993: Lol ok good. I've never heard that term used that way before so I didn't know. I mean pregnancy is a beautiful thing but an unplanned pregnancy (especially one on people without stable jobs, etc. not saying that you don't have a job or that it would be bad if you didn't) can be detrimental to any hopes or plans for somebody.
BrokenByReddit: > I mean pregnancy is a beautiful thing
Did you miss that day at sex ed class? I watched that video all the way through and there was *nothing* beautiful about it.
Tom_Foolery1993: Lol sure the birthing process is gruesome, but dude. You made a person. That's pretty fuckin sweet
BrokenByReddit: Literally the only thing you can make by accident.
ThisIsADogHello: What about at the fruit roll-up factory when it seems like every industrial accident creates a new amazing flavour?
BrokenByReddit: What if they accidentally made an all-grapefruit fruit roll-up? Blech.
| 9 | 34.111111 | |
1382662762 | 1382920933 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | DanniiTheFannii: TIFU by doing a wee-wee behind the school piano.
Before I begin, this isn't the first time that this has happened. If anyone is interested I will add details.. ^^That ^^sounds ^^really ^^weird.. I'd also like to say that this was a while ago, but I think it is fuckup worthy.
***A bit of background***
My school turned into an academy 4 years ago (shit loads of money has been pumped into it to make it a better school as the school was only having 20% of the students getting 5 A*-C grades. With all the money the school gets better facilities such as buildings, equipment and teachers). We moved into 'temporary buildings' while the old school was being knocked down and the new one was being built. The music department was in the dining hall (they were partitioned by some cheap shitty wall). This meant that the music department still had additional rooms for 'practice rooms'.
Anywhore, here it goes:
I was in Year 10 (which was last year) and it was a Tuesday. My timetable for Tuesdays in Year 10 was:
* Double Science
* Break
* Double Music
* Math
* Lunch
* English
I got through Double Science and was really psyched for Music (as I am a keen musician and it was an excuse to play guitar for 100 minutes straight). I was in the top practice room with two people in my class. Let's call them Bob and Sarah. 'Bob' seems to think he can play guitar, and so that was why he was in the room with me. Sarah has a guitar, but she is terrible at it. So, I'm stuck in a room with these two knobs. Sarah, at the time, had a huge crush on me and was constantly hugging me and whatnot.
I have a weak bladder. In fact, weak doesn't even begin to explain it. I have the urge to piss. I look at my phone and see that the time was 13:00 **SHIT!** It's now Period 5 (I should be in Math; the teachers completely forgot that we were in the practice room). Math is pretty shit because the teacher is shit, so I decide to stay in the practice room a bit longer and play guitar.
Still need to pee. I have now resorted to jumping about like a fairy.
I stop suddenly.
"GET THE FUCK OUT!"
Both Bob and Sarah leave the room immediately without objection. I run over to the piano as it's the only cover from the window and the door, so at least if I get caught I have a bit of time to 'recover'. I proceed and widdle behind the school piano.
*I have the **best** fucking piss I have ever had in my life*
However, the men reading this will be able to agree that when you're bursting for the toilet and pull out your willy, you sometimes get a bit too excited and a little pre-pee comes out. Well, that's what happened to me.. Besides it wasn't a little, it was a fair amount. I had basically just pissed all over my school uniform.
*Fuck*
I cover up the puddle with a pillow that was, for some reason that I am still unaware of, was in the practice room. I also open the window so that it doesn't smell, I also move the pillow out of the sunlight.
Bob and Sarah return into the room. Sarah returns to hugging me, as she did 24/7 back then. "Umm.. Dannii.."
.. Great
TL;DR I really needed to piss so I did it behind the school piano. Some of it went onto the floor, but the majority went over my school uniform and I spent the rest of the day smelling like a dirty tramp.
Edit: [here's](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1pb5jx/tifu_by_saying_my_music_teachers_husband_has/) the other story for those interested.
MinnerMouse: Also how the fuck do you have girls that have a crush on you and will openly hug you at your school at mine (charter school) there is no touching unless your asked out first. idk maybe its just my schools culture.
DanniiTheFannii: There's always a girl, or guy, trying to get into someone's panties at my school. That particular girl has herpes, which is pretty funny.
MinnerMouse: well i guess shes out for well anything sexual
DanniiTheFannii: It's a 'sore subject'.
Plus I'm gay, so she's not really my type haha.
MinnerMouse: oh well i guess she never had a chance in the first place then. also does she do this knowing your gay?
DanniiTheFannii: Closeted. Not even my closet friends know. She would definitely still try it on though, that's what she's like.
MinnerMouse: OK this makes more sense now.
| 8 | 0.5 | |
1382663422 | 1382803790 | null | t5_2to41 | 89 | GeneralGBO: What happened to the "Fuck Up of The Week"? Why did it stop?
[deleted]: Cause it's rare to find a good TIFU these days...
GeneralGBO: Sadly true. I just found myself thinking "this has to be the fuck up of the week" while reading the Funeral Procession post then discovered there hasn't been one since August
FaKeShAdOw: I'm still laughing about the idiot teenager who hugs or tickles girls so much that he made TWO OF THEM SHIT THEIR PANTS.
aarong9224: Source ?
| 5 | 17.8 | |
1382676593 | 1382778621 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | Dobbins: TIFU by killing my landlord's dog.
I live in a basement apartment and my landlord and friend lives in the house upstairs with two small dogs. She took a trip for a week and I agreed to watch the dogs. The smaller one, which was only about 6 months old and about four pounds at the most, got sick a few days before she left. I agree to keep an eye on her and take her to the vet if needed. First morning after my landlord has left, the small one seems to be doing much better. She is running around, no longer has diarrhea, and is eating all of its food. As the week goes on the small doesn't seem to be 100 percent back but has definitely improved, even to the point that a friend of mine takes her for a walk one day.
Fast forward to this morning. I leave for work, but not before checking on the two dogs. The little one is just laying on the couch. I pick her up and she whimpers. Clearly she is not feeling well again, but I think she just has an upset stomach. I text my landlord, who was arriving back in town this afternoon, that the little one is sick again. She says she will take her to the vet.
I get a text around 3:00pm. She has arrived home. The dog is dead. When she got back, the dog was lying limp on the couch and she rushed her to the vet, but she died as she was pulling into the parking lot.
I feel like absolute shit. The vet said she had a heart murmur and her heart gave out, but she had also lost several ounces (This is only a four pound dog, mind you), and that she had an infection of some sort. I swear to God i hadn't noticed. I did think the dog seemed thin, but honestly she had gone to the groomers several weeks ago and she has always been small, I didn't think anything of it.
My landlord has been very cool about the entire thing. She isn't made at me, although I know if she had been here she would have seen this coming and she stated this as well, and we spent the evening talking about the dog and tearing up a couple bottles of booze, but I still feel like shit. FML.
DizzyTroll: You didn't fuck up at all. Animals die from crazy things, you did your best.
SquishMitt3n: Seriously, small dogs can go from 100% to dead in a matter of hours. Nothing you can do, unfortunately.
| 3 | 9.666667 | |
1382674218 | 1382711584 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | Bacon_Hammers: TIFU changing out a light switch.
Stupidity is a constant. Everyone from the homeless guy that eats gum off the bottom of the bus bench, right down to the scientists that design vaccines are subject to doing stupid shit. Yours truly is no exception.
My son managed to break the switch to the bathroom light during one of his potty breaks. It mostly wasn't his fault. It was halfway broken when we moved in, and he just helped it the rest of the way. *sigh* Fine. Looks like I'm doing electrical work tonight.
Jenn heads down to Home Depot to get the part I need after I tell her what to get. Now before I go any further, I have to explain something about this house. It was built in the late 50s, so it has been wired and rewired over and over again, and the labels on the breaker box are misleading and sometimes completely incorrect.
I have to explain something else, about myself. See...I'm extremely afraid of exposed wires if I know there is more than 12 volts running through it. So, as a precaution I have Jenn flip every breaker until the night light shuts off next to the light switch. Cool. I remove the cover to the switch plate, take out the broken switch and remove that as well, leaving two fat, exposed copper wires. Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. Okay, I can do this. Now, the way I get over my fear is to touch the the end of the exposed wires with my fingers, and it's worked well for me in the past. "Okay, quit being a pussy and do it, Bacon. This is the hardest part." Inhale. Exhale. Touch.
"MOTHER FUCK SON OF A DOG SHIT EATING MEGA CUNT!" I can't really tell you what the exact string of expletives I uttered at that moment, because I had more important things on my mind. Like for instance how for some goddamn reason, everything is tied to the same breaker in the bathroom, except that. Fucking. Switch. There was also something else that took priority in my forethought. There was blood dripping profusely from my elbow. Oh goody! To make matters worse, it seems like I cut a gash right above my elbow with the striker plate on the door frame, because I spazzed out so hard. Awesome. Another doctor's visit.
But not before I hit the main power to the breaker, bandaged my arm and finished the fucking job. I may have had to get stitches on my arm (I didn't. It just looked that way.), but at least I got the light switch fixed.
Lesson learned. I need to invest in a multimeter.
tl;dr: Tried fixing light switch, shocked myself and ended up cutting my arm because I spazzed out too hard. Was a man and finished that shit anyway.
MinnerMouse: soooo no gloves?
Bacon_Hammers: I don't have any electrical grade gloves, so nope. I might have to invest in some of those, too.
lacrimaeveneris: Gloves and a multimeter. Keep yourself safe, man.
| 4 | 5 | |
1382674451 | 1382743887 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | Pyromine: TIFU and have 11 pages of journals due tommorow, and have 1 page done.
My school has a senior project where we need to work with a mentor on some sort of project and I choose to do photography. I was planning to do all of my project hours and write all of my journals over the summer, but because I was going from my sophomore year to my senior year my summer was way busier than expected and I didn't get either of those things done.
Now I only have two and a half hours of feildwork hours and 1 page done and I need to hand in 11 pages in 10 hours time all while hopefully getting a little sleep in.
EnemySC: If I would post every fucked up school experience of mine I'd probably need an own subreddit. Good luck tho.
SquishMitt3n: There are those few people, myself included, that can write a page on pretty much anything in 20 minutes. It is a blessing, because I am such a lazy prick.
Pyromine: Yup, I'm the same way but unfortunately it was just sop many pages and it was so late, but I pulled it off.
SquishMitt3n: Nice. I assume this was after you finished your journal?
Pyromine: Yup, finished at 4 am but I did it.
SquishMitt3n: Haha, was trying to make a joke, but good on you dude
| 7 | 4.857143 | |
1382673117 | 1382876612 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | [deleted]: TIFU by deciding to get cornrows.
For those of you who saw my username, it's obvious that this wasn't a good idea because gingers and cornrows don't mix. I decided for one of my friends to give me cornrows because my school's statewide marching band competition is tomorrow and I was doing it for the fun of it. It really isn't that fun. Turns out my hair was too short for cornrows, despite the fact I've been growing my hair out for months just for this. The girl who did it for me ended up doing it REALLY tight and there are weird knob-like things on the back of my head. Every time I bend my head, it tugs on my hair and it is painful as hell. Also, I can't lay my head down to go to sleep. Can't even sleep on my side without pain going through my head. I'm just waiting for tomorrow where I can get these out and finally stop hurting...
Tl;dr: got cornrows. Hurts like hell. Why the fuck did I do this?
Desertman123: >2013
>cornrows
[deleted]: Like mullets, they aren't cool at any year.
| 3 | 10.333333 | |
1382715734 | 1382755835 | null | t5_2to41 | 44 | Downwithpizza: TIFU my bowels
The story of my poorly timed diarrhea. I was walking to get my car, which just had it's tires rotated at kal tire. Walking for about 15 minutes, just beyond half way, my tummy got sore. I thought I had to piss. But no, a little further and I realized I was about to shit my pants. However, I'm far enough that I can't turn back and it'll be quicker to get to kal tire and drive home. But then it starts getting really bad. I'm freaking out because I'm about to liquid shit on the sidewalk in broad daylight. If I run, it's going to leak out, but if I walk I won't make it there in time. So I'm squeezing and clenching and breathing deep. I find a new deity and pray vigorously for them to protect my underwear and dignity. And just as I can't go any further, the kal tire sign looms ominously in the distance.
I would have jumped for joy, but that would have caused an eruption comparable to Mt. Vesuvius. In a fit of sweaty terror mixed with ecstatic calm, I approach the store. All I need is speedy service. Through the door are two employees at the desks, both mother fuckers are on the phone. At least I'm not moving any more. Thank Allah. But the turd has far from vanished. Finally I approach the till, and the guy decides to go get another employee who helped me when I initially brought my car in. I don't care. Just charge me anything and give me my keys. When this second employee finally arrives, I'm sweating more than a chubby charles at Burger King. He starts telling me about what they did and what they rotated. Meanwhile all I hear is the gurgling of my tummy, infested with beer hops, wings, eggs, and a recent avocado sandwich. He presents the key while still talking. I yank it from his hand and pull out my credit card. Hint hint good sir. He tells me it's actually a free service today due to my past visits, and the fact that they didn't do much anyway. I thank him. I exit quickly toward my car but a sudden grumbling stops me in my tracks. It was going to be over within seconds. This was it. This was its final form and my last stand. I think it over for about 0 seconds, and run the fuck back inside. I calmly approach the desk and ask where the ol loo is. He directs me and I calmly walk toward it. Thank Ganesh there is no one occupying it. Faster than if Carrie underwood wanted me naked, I ripped off my pants and underwear. No time to build a nest, this mudslide is starting to roll. I throw my nervous anus onto the seat. There was a brief second where I felt more at ease than ever before. I took a deep breath and loosened my sphincter. Glory. Although initial bliss, I was soon overwhelmed by a burning sensation like a branding iron on the ring of my anus. It felt like the hottest of hot sauce had been slobbered all over tiny stab wounds carefully placed on my butt hole. The burning was matched only by the foul odour emanating in the air. The stench was that of a thousand dying gods rotting in the heat of the Brazilian jungle. I flushed not once, not twice, not even trice, but 5 times. I made sure the beast was vanquished. I proceeded to rest a bit, calm my nerves, wash my hands, and casually exit the toxic chamber. No eye contact with anyone, I casually walked out of the store to my car. I drove faster than I ever had, because like an earthquake, you have to expect after shocks. So I got the fuck home, got the fuck into my apartment, and sat the fuck down on the toilet. From that very location I type this story. I survived today. I was lucky. Diarrhea is an asshole....a dirty asshole.
Bacon_Generator: This is just hard to read. Not because of the story but because of the formatting. I stopped trying to read it well before I got done.
Downwithpizza: Fair enough. Phone typed in a style I was in the mood for.
butt_loofa: Screw the format. That was hilariously written. Had me laughing so hard I didn't notice the format!
| 4 | 11 | |
1382700102 | 1382777253 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | ocshoes: TIFU by having a nightmare and going on r/nosleep
Pretty much just the title. Turns out that you don't go there when you can't sleep, you go there when you don't want to. Fuck me.
tapittuco: BOO! that movie sucked, i want my money back.
PiggyBankofDespair: The trailer pretty much spoiled the ending.
| 3 | 7 | |
1382731025 | 1382939695 | null | t5_2to41 | 3,294 | whathappenedwas: TIFU by taking a nap under a table at work
This JUST happened--agh I'm so embarrassed!
Ok, so my back has been stiff recently. I work at a desk. After sitting with clients all morning, my back was really hurting, and I needed somewhere to stretch it out. I first tried to do it standing up in the bathroom, but those stretches didn't reach the right muscles, so I knew I needed to lie down to do it. Clients are always coming in and out of my office, so I knew I had to find a place that was out-of-view. I decided to do it underneath this big conference table because no matter where you walk, you can't see underneath it, unless you're bending down.
My break was an hour long, so as soon as it started, I got under the table and stretched. It was awesome; after a few minutes, my muscles finally relaxed, which felt amazing. I still had like 45 minutes left, and no one had bothered me, so I thought "what the hell," and decided to close my eyes [edit] and sleep [/edit] for a bit.
When my alarm vibrated in my pocket, signaling the end of the hour, I opened my eyes to see a bunch of legs sitting around the table--THERE WAS A CONFERENCE GOING ON!!
I had a client at the top of the hour, so I knew I had to leave, and in my head I'm like *nononononono how am I going to explain this*, but I couldn't wait for them to finish--it was clear that they were in the middle of it and weren't ending anytime soon.
Very slowly, I pushed one of the empty chairs out from the table. Everyone above stopped speaking--I could tell they were looking at the chair, seemingly moving of its own volition. I stood up from the floor to a group of aghast-looking businesspeople, and said "there was no way to do this without it being awkward, so... my back was really hurting... sorry to interrupt."
There was dead silence as I walked out of the room.
**TL;DR** Took a nap under a conference table, woke up to a conference going on above me. Was forced to interrupt the conference to go back to work.
FercPolo: Dude, if this actually happened to you that is amazing. This is better than most of the skits on The Office.
This is comedy gold. And you lived it.
whathappenedwas: I'll be honest and say that though I'm glad it's gotten a positive response here on reddit, I'm really not looking forward to going back in on Monday.
But yeah, it's definitely a good story. As long as it doesn't end with "and then I got fired."
FercPolo: Even if it does, I know that would be terrible at the moment...but you've played the star in the funniest office comedy since ever.
I bet you everyone in there thought it was amazingly hilarious.
And, since you were on your lunchbreak, you didn't really do anything wrong. Maybe a faux pas. But that's it.
whathappenedwas: That actually makes me feel a lot better. In another comment, someone mentioned that I should tell my boss about my back, and I was thinking, if I do get called out on it, it is a pretty reasonable explanation as to why I was there. I was on my break, AND I was actually trying to be discreet, which is why I chose to do it under the table--there was no where else to do it.
I was thinking, you know, if we had a breakroom, this wouldn't have happened. Maybe I should bring that up. Not with that tone, obviously, but it's true.
For now I'm just gonna stfu about it and hope no one recognized me.
birdbrainiac: If you seem to be in the clear, don't draw attention. If you are questioned, be honest, but don't explain too much. Keep it simple.
Source: born weird person, rarely fired.
whathappenedwas: LOL'd at your source. I too was born weird person.
[deleted]: Are you female?
whathappenedwas: Would it change anything if I were?
[deleted]: It would give me an idea as to how severe the reaction of the others must have been. If you were female, people would be less inclined to shit on you for something like this.
| 10 | 329.4 | |
1382736268 | 1382810102 | null | t5_2to41 | 141 | Star_rider: TIFU by going to tell a girl I liked her.
So I had been a bit interested in this girl I know from school for about a week. Because of previous crushes, I was determined to ask her out quickly so she wouldn't get bored. I even abstained from fapping during this time, so I could be sure I would be led to victory. (Thank you, /r/NoFap.)
Finally. D-Day arrives. I should say now that the only class I have with this girl is the last period of the day, English. So I went through all my classes, getting a bit jumpier and nervous as the final period gets closer.
I'm there. Our teacher has us work on this project that's due on Halloween because most of us haven't even started it yet. Today was a long period day, so the teacher gave us a break in the middle of class. I hung around with the girl and her friends, which wasn't weird because I knew all of them and talked to them before.
They were talking about one of them trying out for cheerleading, and as a joke I did a stupid cheerleading move, and I ACCIDENTALLY HIT THE GIRL I LIKE IN THE FUCKING EYE WITH MY ELBOW.
She covered her face in her hands for like a minute, and I was kind of stunned, I couldn't even apologize. and it looked like she was going to have a black eye, but thankfully in the end she didn't. The break ended shortly after that, and I apologized.
It wasn't that bad of a fuck up, though, because she said it was okay and that I was nice, but by then I had already lost my chance. School ended 30 minutes after that, and I admitted defeat. I went home and fapped, and, goddammit, I don't regret doing it.
thesteinlab: How exactly did not fapping "ensure you would be led to victory"?
Star_rider: I've heard that not masturbating can help you talk to girls better. I think it's a primal thing.
Chiberte: That's a load of shit. Stop believing crap you read on the internet
GrampappyJoe: except that
OptimusPAUL: & that
Mygusta55: And this! And that! Andthisandthatandthisandthatand***THEN***!!!
| 7 | 20.142857 | |
1382749096 | 1382853733 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | SpongederpSquarefap: TIFU by carrying on driving
This actually happened on Sunday, but fuck it.
I went to see my buddy who lives about 20 minutes away from me so, as you do, I drove there.
About an hour passed before I had to leave his house, so I got into my car and started heading home.
About 5 minutes after I started driving I could hear a grinding noise coming from my engine. I thought maybe it was because I was low on fuel it was making that noise.
This was my first fuck up.
A few minutes later I find the road I need to go down is closed. I haven't been driving for long and there was no diversion so I ended up in bum fuck nowhere.
The noises from my engine started getting worse to the point that my car would cut out if the revs got too low.
Of course now I was panicking. Luckily, they reopened the road and I just managed to pull my car over to the side of the road closer to my house.
I rang my mum and dad to come and get me because there was no way I'd be able to get my car home.
We also had my dad's mechanic friend come out to diagnose the car. He said it was terminal. Fuck. I've only had the car for a month.
Anyway, long story short, I called the guy I bought it from who is a family friend and he had it towed and fixed. He said that the water cooling pipe had split so there was no water in it and the fuse for the main cooling fan had blown, which is apparently a large fuse that takes a lot to blow. So pretty much the engine overheated and killed itself.
If I had stopped the car earlier it would have cost about £20 to have fixed. Because I was a dumbass and kept on driving it had to have a new engine. It ended up costing me over £400.
I done fucked up.
MVC90: It could be worse. My first car was an 86 Oldsmobile (this was in 2010) and the AC wasn't working. When I finally got around to fixing it, it cost me about $400 in parts and labor. A couple of months later, a drunk asshole rammed into and totalled it while it was parked outside my friend's house. I guess what I'm trying to say is, pay more attention to your car's coolant.
SpongederpSquarefap: I think I will in the future.
The strange thing is that no lights came on in my dash so I had no idea.
Well, maybe the engine sounds.
jacobstamand: The temp gauge should have shown if the engine was too hot.
SpongederpSquarefap: My car is older so it doesn't have one.
DerpyTheGrey: How old are we talking? I have seen plenty of cars in the 20-30 year range that have temp gauges.
SpongederpSquarefap: It's an October 2002
DerpyTheGrey: That is practically brand new.
Aycoth: considering it cost 400 for the new engine, its probably a [2002](http://www.latestautoreviews.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/BMW-2002-Exterior.jpg)
| 9 | 1.444444 | |
1382753575 | 1382754169 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting caught doing a stupid prank that, because of unplanned results, is a class A misdemeanor called stalking.
I knew a lady back in high school who was a huge bitch to me. So, I decided I was going to prank her, or at least whoever lived in her house. I was told she had moved, but by a less than reliable source.
Well, I was surveilled by the police and caught in the act via the footage of a local grocery store's security system.
The police called me and informed me of a court date. I am under 18. I will likely receive community service and a fine.
I am an idiot.
CapgrasX13: > back in high school
> am under 18
Huh?
> I am an idiot
Yep.
slyfoxfitness: I graduated early, still seventeen.
| 3 | 1 | |
1382761917 | 1383050067 | null | t5_2to41 | 69 | [deleted]: TIFU by losing my money & now I'm homeless for the night
So, I have no idea where I am going to sleep. I know what you're thinking. "Then why the hell are you on Reddit instead of looking for a place?!" Well, allow me to explain how there really isn't anything I can do because of how I fucked up.
Since the local "certified" apple service centers can't figure out what the hell is going on with my devices, I had to schedule an appointment with an apple genius at the nearest retail store, which is 3 hours away!
Tonight, I traveled to the city since the appointment is early tomorrow morning. Once I got in town, I stopped to get something to eat, before going to the hotel, only to realize I do not have any money to pay.
First, I realized that my credit card was missing. It could've slipped out my pocket since it's been sliding recently due to my pants being loose from weightless. Since I tend to be absentminded and lose my belongings, I stopped carrying my debit card a long time ago. I do, however, carry extra cash in my bra. Just my fucking luck, when I reach for my extra money strategically placed under the bigger boob for extra security, I find nothing. Just then I remember that I had placed it on the nightstand when I masturbated--Yes, girls fap too--earlier and I must not have put it back.
A friend tried to get me a hotel room over the phone, but apparently they need me to have a credit card to put on file, and he can't leave to wire any money. I don't have any friends in this town, so basically I'm screwed, at least until morning when I'll be able to go to the bank.
So, now I am downtown in an unfamiliar city without any money. If only I had put it back in my wallet like a responsible person or if I carried a purse like a normal girl wouldn't be an issue. Ugh!!
So, I don't know what I am going to do about a place tonight, and I am so fucking tired. Thankfully, there was enough change in my backpack to buy a cookie, so at least I can linger in here until they close, but then what? It's already nearly 1am and I'm tired.
Of all the times my losing stuff has fucked me this has got to be the worst consequences. Fuck me.
UPDATE: I survived and eluded sexual assault and being arrested as it seems that it is almost illegal to be homeless. Oh, Apple did not fix my problem. -__- At least I have a story to tell.
jacobstamand: If you have a car there is always a Walmart parking lot.
[deleted]: That would be a good idea if I had a car.
seantimberwolf: One of the safest places to sleep if you stranded or out is someone's drive way or front garden, you won't get bothered and can normally find a nice warm place
[deleted]: If by safe you mean illegal, sure. I am almost certain that's trespassing and in my state I can legally be shot for trespassing. Thanks for trying though lol
seantimberwolf: Yeah sorry, British guy here so the concept of getting shot for sleeping on someone's lawn is quite alien and slightly scary lol
[deleted]: Lol, yeah us Americans can be violent. Here, they call it "Stand Your Ground" law. It can be a good thing if an intruder decides to break in, you are backed up by the law to protect yours. But, it can also be a problem for obvious reasons.
Romeltheguru: Florida sucks.
| 8 | 8.625 | |
1382770021 | 1382977842 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | clientnotfound: TIFU And Ripped My Pants
Only 6 more hours left at work with a nice 4 inch tear along the seam of one of my back pockets. Joy!
Myanex: I totally just involuntarily read this title in sponge bobs voice, how the fuck does my mind do that. 0-0
clientnotfound: Cancer?
Myanex: ...oh shit
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1382791738 | 1382813694 | null | t5_2to41 | 449 | MotorboatingSofaB: TIFU by saying my fiancées friend couldn't be pregnant then saying she was pregnant
This happened last night. We were all over a friends place for dinner and the girl said she has some important news to tell everyone. I blurted out well you can't be pregnant since your drinking and directly afterwards she said "I'm pregnant". I felt like the biggest asshole in the world ruining her news with everyone.
cboyd420: .... You did make a good point. Why the fuck is she drinking if she's pregnant?
MotorboatingSofaB: Turns out it was just club soda.
cboyd420: Necessary info man. Ha
kuavi: That makes it even better.
| 5 | 89.8 | |
1382793075 | 1382977943 | null | t5_2to41 | 153 | reise_reise: TIFU by lurking my boss on Facebook
This happened around 5 minutes ago.
So, sometimes when I get bored I look people up on Facebook that I work with. Sometimes ending in entertaining results (one girl I work with who looks nothing like she does in her pictures, finding cringeworthy selfies of workmates, etc) anyway, I found the page of one of the guys in a higher sort of management position. He's our area manager.
I'm scrolling, scrolling, nothing interesting. Talking about the travelling he's done for work recently, a few awkward "Anyone want to hang out this weekend?" statuses with no replies and one particular picture shared from a group. Some sexual innuendo joke, but being bored and zoning out I thought, whatever, I'll look, maybe get a chuckle.
Wrong.
My phone delays and freezes momentarily and I accidentally "like" the photo.
Shit. This photo is 6 fucking months old.
Shit, shit, shit. Now I not only look like a creep, but a creep who went all the way through his profile to like some seedy photo about screws and lubricant.
God damnit, this guy is already kinda awkward and antisocial as it is at work, but now this is just gonna be weird. Because he'll see it, and next time we're both there we'll make awkward eye contact and his beady little eyes will pierce into my soul, screaming "I know what you did!"
I'm probably overreacting, but I'm kinda uncomfortable thinking about it. TIFU, but at least I didn't shit my pants. Right?
hurrikane94: Did you unlike the pic?
reise_reise: Yes. Which probably made things worse. Or better. Not sure haha
Myanex: If you unlike the picture it removes the notification that you liked it. No need to worry dude, lol.
reise_reise: Hahaha, my stomach fell out my arse at the thought that he was on FB when I did it though
Myanex: I pictured your stomach physically falling out of your arse and I lost my shit, if anyone sees my shit can you please call the number on its tag on its collar, thank you.
| 6 | 25.5 | |
1382805475 | 1382807043 | null | t5_2to41 | 47 | ReusedAshes68: TIFU by burning my dog.
Yesterday when I was sitting with my family around the fire pit. We were roasting marshmallows, cooking hotdogs, and telling stories. Then suddenly we started smelling something strange. After a good 7 minutes we started looking around the fire pit. We have a dog named Dean and so we called him over. He came out from under the fire pit. Tail and back all scorched and blackened. His hair is pretty puffy so when he came out all of his back hair was at least 1 1/2 shorter then all of his hair. So yeah. Hotdogs weren't the only dogs we cooked that day. (Our dog is fine just has a really bad unintentional haircut.)
zackgrrr: Hot dog!! Lol
What kind of fire pit allows for a dog to get under it?
ReusedAshes68: It's kinda propped up off the ground with about 2 feet of space on the edges, and about 1 foot off the ground under the middle.
zackgrrr: Its a floating fire pit. That makes sense now
| 4 | 11.75 | |
1382811242 | 1382906963 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,177 | yeah_science_bitches: TIFU by sexting my father. [NSFW]
My husband is an avid outdoors man. He is currently away hunting ducks, and as per our usual passed time tradition, I like to send photos, videos and descriptive text messages to his phone when I know he's in the field and left his phone in the lodge.
Today was no exception. He sent me a text : "heading out, I'll let you know when we get back in. You should put the red lace on."
I had a better idea.. I'll put the red lace on, then video a strip tease. So, I did just that.
Why not take it further?
I get out my while pure romance collection, and video me using each one (4) in short 3 minute videos then take a few still photos. All finished, I put them all in an album format text, then pushed send.
Post orgasm, I figured i'm sated enough until he gets home tonight. I cleaned, dried and put away my toys. Shower time!
My phone now on the charger being, i'm not expecting a text back, I take my time drying my hair, getting dressed and ready for the day before my kids wake up. the main reason I keep my phone on silent.
6:23am my phone rings. It's my dad. "Good morning, I see"
Confused I say "Good morning, what are you up to today?"
"Well, with the text I got this morning from you, i'm guessing cleaning out my phone and giving my son in law a pep talk"
My husband's name is next in my contacts to my father, I had sent 9 videos, 13 still photos, and a description of how my husband likes to fuck me, and how I want it when he gets home, to my father.
He thankfully didn't read the whole text, but he has an iPhone, so he saw a picture of me in my red lace, halter, babydoll lingerie holding 3 dildos, and a butt plug.
:-/
Oye!
ProBread: Full jaw drop.
Damn. All things considering holidays may be a little awkward but I think it went well Lol
yeah_science_bitches: It did. My parents are relatively young. (had me at 16) and i'm not nieve enough to think they don't sext.
ProBread: Ahh well their age and the fact that its your husband definitely help I’d imagine
yeah_science_bitches: Exactly..... I was still semi mortified though.
tinbloom: Yeah me, my boyfriend and mum are very close, like friends really but I'd die if this happened to me. Glad it went better than expected and thank you for sharing this amazing TIFU.
yeah_science_bitches: The true test will be to see if he brings it up later.
tinbloom: I wish you the best of luck. If he does I'm sure it will be embarrassing but hopefully it'll be in good humor too!
| 8 | 272.125 | |
1382812441 | 1382832236 | null | t5_2to41 | 53 | SawNakedRussian: TIFU: Me again, come to report on the Unfortunate Saga of Poor, Poor Stan. This time I did not see him naked or throw lube at him.
Today is my last day in Russia, and it just seems fitting that I should have one last fuckup before I go home -.- We leave for Moscow tomorrow early in the morning to make my flight!
If you are wondering, the wedding was fantastic. There was a ton of dancing. Turns out Stan can kasachok. Anyway, onto the fuck-up!
Stan has chores to do outside. Mostly what he calls 'gardening' which is really smacking trees for daring grow their branches within his fenced in yard. I can step over his fence. It's a bad fence.
Anyway, he isn't the type to lock his door because he lives in the village of Buttfuck, on the outskirts of Middleofnowhere. But he does have a lock. I am sure you can see where this is going.
He left his keys on the little table by the front door where he keeps shoes. And he went outside to do his 'gardening'. And I traipse out to the kitchen to get a drink... and as i pass the door flip the lock into place. Locking poor, poor Stan outside. In Russia. In October.
I fetch my drink (yum yum tarkhun) and go into my room. Some of you may remember my last TIFU where I advertised my wonderful habit of playing on my phones with headphones in. Josh, my boyfriend, comes into my room and motions for me to take my headphones off. He asks 'You seen Stan recently?' I shake my head, Josh leaves and I return to my game.
Maybe about half an hour later, I notice a dark shape outside my window, silhouetted on the curtains. It vaguely resembles a person, and having grown up in the suburbs, I grabbed the longest pokey thing I could find-in this case an unused slat from my bed (it's one of those ones that uses the wooden planks to support the mattress).
I pull back the curtains...
And find Stan absolutely glaring at me. I mean, I think he wants to kill me. I pull open the window and poke him gently with the slat, close the window and go to the front door to unlock it. I see Stan following me outside through the windows.
I open the door for him, and he strides in the embodiment of drunken fury, motioning at me with the hedge-scissors and cursing at me in Russian while Josh laughs his ass off. Stan called me a suka at least three times. It's the only curse in Russian I know.
I feel bad.
TL;DR: Poor, poor Stan.
Also, this is the final epic in the trilogy of Poor Stanislav, godfather of my boyfriend Josh and unfortunate victim of my idiocy.
I am so, so sorry, Stan.
Not_atall: Help me out here, how does one pronounce suka? Like sue-ka?
SawNakedRussian: Yeah, soo-ka I guess.
Diasparo: Correct.
| 4 | 13.25 | |
1382826402 | 1382857400 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | Marshmallow_Kun: TIFU: i blew £600, in a day, on League Of Legends
NefastVoltaire: Story please. o.o
[deleted]: I'm not even sure how someone can do this...
| 3 | 1 | |
1382828343 | 1382834107 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | Iveneverseenanocelot: TIFU by ordering bacon on a date
So I took this girl out to nice little tapas restaurant last night. One of the dishes I usually get is a dish with dates wrapped in bacon. So naturally I couldn't wait to get that and some other dishes and show this girl how awesome it was.
It wasn't until I reflected on that night that I realized she had told me she was jewish. I also realized that I had repeatedly been urging her to try some of the other dish (the one with the bacon).
Wonder if it's something I should bring up and apologize for or just let it pass since the night went well otherwise. Though I can't help feeling like I sort of religiously insulted her the whole night and failed to put two and two together. Hopefully she doesn't try to keep kosher :/
PhoenixMask: I thought bacon made everything better...
Iveneverseenanocelot: The worst part is, she had told me that she's never had bacon. Which should have been a clue. I'm pretty sure she tried it too. So basically I suck.
PhoenixMask: Well you didn't do it to be a dick. You did it because you wanted to treat her to something good right? It was an honest mistake. I am sure if you don't do it again it will be fine.
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1382804440 | 1383100154 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | pancake_jetpack: TIFU by chipping my tooth with my laptop
*Sorry no picture because it happened about a week ago and I got it taken care of.
Anyway last saturday I was watching netflix on my ps3 and using my laptop while relaxing in my huge recliner chair. I was there for about 2 hours and my back and legs started to tense up, so I decided to stretch to get rid of that annoying feeling. Well my laptop was resting about the middle of my stomach and didn't think that it would cause a problem if I would arch my back to stretch it. Here's where I fuck up; after stretching my legs I arch my back high off the chair and immediately began to yawn, without thinking I take my hands off the laptop and put them over my head to complete the stretch.Turns out the grip on my laptop wasn't as good as I remembered, the fucker slid off of my stomach like a computer water slide into my exposed teeth and chipped about half of my right front tooth and 1/3 of the left one. As i'm sitting there putting the pieces together as to why I was now holding my teeth, I realized how stupid I was to not take literally 5 seconds to put the computer on the floor. Also I had my best friend in the same room which made everything worse because after he saw he was on the floor howling with laughter. Needless to say the evening was ruined.
TL;DR Broke off my 2 front teeth with my macbook because I stretched and it slid, Best friend saw
Jamarcus911: What happened to the laptop??
pancake_jetpack: you ever seen a macbook? things indestructible
Jamarcus911: I wish! in my hands I have to treat it like extremely unstable compounds or you know, like a bomb cuz it's so expensive -.-
Zintilyaspin: It's made out of airplane grade aluminum. If it wasn't indestructible I'd stop flying.
Jamarcus911: haha ok...but IMO they're fragile due to the price..not necessarily the parts.
Zintilyaspin: So it's psychological?
Jamarcus911: I guess, if I had something that expensive, I'd be too terrified of it getting a chip or a scratch etc..
| 8 | 3.625 | |
1382830379 | 1383256267 | null | t5_2to41 | 80 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting the giggles during a lecture on war rape
Self explanatory really. The lecturer was explaining the use of rape as a weapon of war in various conflicts around the world, and I got the fucking giggles. The kind that get more and more obvious the harder you try to suppress them.
As she clicked through slide after slide of confronting images and horrific stories, earnestly explaining the history of rape in warfare, I lost control. Giggling, desperately packing my things, tears of pure fucking joy streaming down my face, I left the lecture hall. I don't think I can go back.
wehavegreatsexxx: Not wholly uncommon. Laughter can be an unfortunate, uncontrollable, nervous reaction.
Sucks that it was to something like rape, though, its not generally forgivable to laugh about rape.
Maybe everyone will have forgotten by next lecture...?
DJzrule: Yup! I knew people who laughed their ass off in a Jewish Holocaust lesson in history because they had survivors in their family. Makes everyone REAL uncomfortable since its like...how do you react to a supposedly self-hating person? It's understandable, just awkward.
Abomination822: Damn. I have family that did the killing, and I wouldn't even giggle publicly.
| 4 | 20 | |
1382853852 | 1383011909 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | blaqkkat: TIFU by not being able to say the L word...and then accidentally saying it.
So I've recently started seeing this guy, I know he;s liked me for a long time, but I only recently realized that I actually really like him. We're hunkering down for a night of movies and alcohol as per usual when he suddenly drops it. He's like, yeah...I think I love you. Completely caught me off guard, I was honest with him. I really like him, but I'm not to that point yet. after a little bit of awkward talking things resume as normal. After an hour or so he suddenly gets really quiet. I'm probably reading way more into that than there is since he fell asleep pretty soon after that, when I finally wake him up and try and get him to move to the bed instead of sleeping on the floor he gets all weird about it. After a little he tells me to just go to bed he'll join me later. So I do. Mentally freaking out all the while, but I do. Next thing I know my phone is ringing, he went out to get something or other and his clutch slipped and his tires squealed and somehow this is something a cop can pull you over for. Now My boyfriend gave himself enough time to sober up before driving, but he still obviously smelled like alcohol. This was a problem. Especially since he was driving the company truck. Now here's where the real fuck up come's in. As we are hanging up he of course does the usual bye I love you. Half asleep scumbag brain decides this is a great time to say I love you too....needless to say he made a big deal, I freaked out and back pedaled that shit out of that, which probably made it worse. This leaves me here. Sitting on my couch in a bathrobe, freaking out. He hasn't come home yet, I'm waiting for him to either show up, or to get a call telling me to go pick up the truck because towing companies really hate having to tow their own vehicles....
tl;dr: I'm an idiot and my brain is an asshole when I'm half asleep and I'm probably over thinking everything and freaking out too much.
leedade: am i the only one who was like "wtf is the L word???" until i read the story of course
BananaWaffles12: Lesbians
blaqkkat: that too
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1382884293 | 1382924159 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,700 | RuMall: TIFU by thinking a man was homeless.
Definitely one of the most awkward moments of my life. I was walking back through Edinburgh city centre and I saw a man with a cup of coffee with no lid, and he was sitting on the ground, so I thought he was homeless. I felt around in my pockets for some loose change and found a few coppers. I went over and put them in the coffee cup, only to realise that he had coffee in it and that he wasn't even homeless, he was waiting for someone. There was a good 5 seconds of super awkward confusion and staring.
TL;DR: I thought a man was homeless and put change in his cup of coffee, he wasnt homeless and had coffee in the cup.
Imploder: I have this really ugly orange hoodie. My friends all make fun of it, but fuck them. That shit is comfortable. The girl I was dating last winter really hated it. She said it made me look like a hobo (to be fair to her, it was pretty dirty from wearing it day in and day out most of fall/winter last year).
One day I was walking to the convenience store down the street from my house, wearing my hoodie. Beboping along. I lived in kind of a shitty neighborhood at the time. I get to the entrance, and just outside theres this guy leaning up against a pole, looking at his phone. I didn't really pay attention to him until he wordlessly, without even looking up from his phone, holds his arm out. He has a dollar in his hand. I just kept walking. After I passed him he says, "no take it man. Its cool."
I didn't know what he was talking about right at first. Then it sort of hit me. I looked a little disheveled (it was my day off. Showering and shaving are optional on days off. Had some gnarly bed head going too). I was a little mad because my gf just the night before had told me how ugly the hoodie I was wearing was and that I really needed to wash it soon. I said "oh no. Thanks though. I don't need it. It's just this hoodie I think. I'm not homeless." But I guess it just sounded like I was being modest or something. I think I also sounded a little bit crazy. Why the fuck was I talking about my hoodie to this guy?
"Hey man. Don't worry about it. You don't need to give me the story. I want you to have it."
"No. I'm serious. I'm not homeless. I don't need your money. But thank you." We were both annoying each other at this point. He was just trying to be nice. I was just trying to explain I wasn't homeless.
"Okay. Whatever." Strange. And awkward. I didn't tell that story to my gf until it happened a SECOND TIME while wearing that hoodie. That time was a little worse.
Just got home. Pull up to the curb in front of my house. Get out of my car. A guy walking by on the side walk stops near me. Starts digging through his pockets. And says, "wait I have something for you."
I didn't know what the hell he was talking about, but curiosity got the better of me. I didn't think I knew him as far as I could tell. So I'm just kind of standing there thinking, "what the hell does this total stranger have for *me*?"
Finally after a few seconds he produces some change from his pockets and holds it out. Oh god damn it.
"Dude, you just saw me pull up. This... This is my car. AND THAT'S MY FREAKING HOUSE! I'M NOT HOMELESS!"
I don't wear that hoodie anymore. Just dug out of my cars trunk where it's been for the last nine months. [My hobo hoodie](http://imgur.com/xX1QJjJ) in all it's glory.
Radico87: that looks nothing like a hobo hoodie! Unless you washed out the jizz stains from when you sucked dudes off for that crack rock.
Imploder: Funny enough, I actually found a crack rock in the pocket. No I didn't. But still. Jacket pockets are neat like that. They're like little short term time capsules from half a year ago. These things that were so important to you at the time are found once again and all these memories come flooding back to you. You're like, "oh my god, is this a slammer? Why did I have a slammer? Were pogs popular again last winter? Did I forget that? No. Maybe? Nope. Wait. That's right. Roommate bet me I couldn't find a bubble gum scented object that wasn't edible within a five mile radius and you stopped in at that thrift store and found this in an old toy box. Holy crap! This thing smells like bubble gum!"
That's my favorite thing about winter.
albinosquirel: holy shit, pogs were the greatest.
now they seem kinda lame, round discs of cardboard. :(
Imploder: Slammers were cool though.
albinosquirel: I had a really heavy metal one. The plastic ones were ok but the metal one was the best
Imploder: Oh yeah. The metal ones were the coolest. I had one that was gold colored and cut like a saw blade. That shit was badASS!
heavysouldarlin: I had a metal one with a holographic skull and crossbones on it. I was 9. My dad sold pogs for a while, in an ill fated attempt to capitalize on something he thought was going to be HUGE. My dad has made many good business decisions in his life, this wasn't really one of them.
Imploder: Oh man... haha. That's awesome. But good on him for spotting the trend at least. You win some, you lose some. I picture your mom coming home to an entire house full of pogs, like floor to ceiling, and asking just what the hell is going on.
"Pogs, hunny! They're gonna make us rich! **POGS!**"
heavysouldarlin: That is pretty much how it went... My mom always came around though. I think they still had some when I was home this summer.
| 11 | 154.545455 | |
1382828189 | 1382888554 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | marblefoot: TIFU by jumping on the bed.
TIFU by jumping on the bed.
My wife is out of town. I jumped into the bed like a goofy idiot and as soon as my weight sank down into it, on of the rails snapped right in two with a loud **crack**.
Guess I am officially not a kid anymore, (I'm guessing if having a wife, and making rent, car, insurance, and student loan payments didn't tip me off, this finally will).
I haven't told my wife yet. Damn.
yeah_science_bitches: Your mom should call your doctor.
According to the song, doctors orders are to stay on the floor. It prevents bumps on the head.
marblefoot: TIL I'm a monkey.
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1382873925 | 1382893968 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | DanniiTheFannii: TIFU by saying my music teacher's husband has erectile dysfunction..
A few people from a post I submitted on this sub a while ago wanted to hear another story about the music department [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1p5vk6/tifu_by_doing_a_weewee_behind_the_school_piano/) is the first story about pissing behind a school piano.
So, without further-ado, here's the story about the time I said my music teacher's husband has ED.
As before, I'll include some background info:
- My music teacher had gotten married over the summer holidays, and this incident happened in about November. Around about the time of the piss incident. (Still in Year 10 in this story)
- The teachers at my school joke about a lot with the students. A teacher would call another student something offensive and we'd get on with it, it's natural at this school.
- This particular teacher is very 'up herself', but will sometimes have her good day. **DAY**. Let's call her Miss Yellow.
It was a month before the *Christmas Carol Concert* was due to take place, and our school would always put on some stupid show. Being a strong atheist, I don't like doing this, but I do it because I love music and it seems stupid not to, plus my friends do it and it's a laugh. This year we're doing Mistletoe & Wine. I have a friend, and let's call him Joe. Me and Joe have a weird sense of humour, and we'll often joke about things without realising how bad the joke is. We're definitely going to Hell.
Joe, for reasons I'm still unclear of, took Music as a GCSE. He hates the lesson and doesn't play an instrument. For Mistletoe & Wine he had the luxury of playing the shaker. Even Miss Yellow had given up hope, and he's still on the course somehow. Anyway, instead of playing the amazing instrument that is the egg shaker, he was fucking about with a drum stick and hitting it against the desks to piss off the teacher. He got a splinter, and Miss Yellow was happy about this and laughed. Joe said "Miss, I can't get it out!!" to which I replied "You can't get it *up* either, can you Joe?"
We laughed. It wasn't the most offensive joke ever, it wasn't even offensive, but we laughed.
"Dannii!" from my music teacher was what broke the laughter. I, innocently, replied with "but miss, how did you know we were talking about *that*?" to make her seem like the 'bad' one.
"THAT'S BECAUSE HER NEW HUSBAND HAS IT. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!" exclaimed Joe.
Nice one..
It was very funny, the 'group' I hang about (there's 4 of us) all laughed. The rest of the class was either laughing or was silent in shock at what he said. I silently, but loud enough, said "yeah".
"Dannii!" Miss Yellow shouted again.
*Oh shit*. You could tell when she's not happy.. And she most **definitely** wasn't happy.
"Both you boys go to see Miss Red* and tell her what you said!" (Hey, that rhymed..) *Let's just call the other music teacher Miss Red.
I continue playing guitar, and Joe goes to see Miss Red. All's fine until Miss Red comes through the door and asks to see me.
*Double shit*
Now, me and Miss Red get on quite well, as she sees me as a very good guitarist and will often call me, and my other 'guitar friend' (of whom is in the 'group') A* students. But this time I knew I had fucked up.
She took me out and there was Joe. He was standing there with an expression on his face that looked as though he was constipated, but he was obviously trying not to burst out into laughter. I had to repeat the entire story to Miss Red. She wasn't happy. She gave us a 'double red card'. This meant that we had an instant SLT (Senior Leadership Team - basically the principal and other people high up in the school) detention. We had to go to the drama teacher and tell him what we did and that we had received a double red.
He laughed. A lot. He said "well, you still have to stay for the detention, but you won't have to stay for the SLT detention. Just don't let it -laughs- happen again"
Miss Yellow was happy because she doesn't like us. Miss Red said that she only did it because it was the 'right' thing to do, but found it slightly funny nonetheless.
TL;DR said my music teacher's husband has erectile dysfunction and got a detention for it.
hhaammzzaa2: lol, I think he did.
DanniiTheFannii: That's probably one of the reasons she was so pissed off at us.. I met him once, which was rather awkward.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1382840618 | 1382899449 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | Mister_Blake: TIFU by being accidentally racist
So I'm getting baked with my friends this afternoon because we are all responsible adults and my very dear friend who happens to be black shows me a video of these women twerking because he loves booty (honestly who doesn't) and we're talking about why they do it. I'm insisting it's a mating ritual; it's all to appease the opposite sex.
One comment leads to another and I eventually end up saying "Yeah man, baboons do it all the time."
Now this guy, a college baseball record holder, minor league pro player, and now on the fast track to be an orthopedic surgeon happens to be the most self-conscious dude when he's high. Immediately after I mentioned baboons he stops the video out of embarrassment and puts his phone away.
I felt like such a fucking idiot. What was I thinking comparing black women to baboons to my black friend?
bl33dy: well at least he didnt play the race card thing. he sounds like a pretty good guy, and im sure yall will get a laugh out of it another day
Mister_Blake: Oh no he wouldn't, but this is not the first time this has happened. It was probably forgotten before the day was even over I was just overcome with white guilt.
bl33dy: white guilt is such a ridiculous concept. sure, we did some fucked up shit but who hasnt? and its not like *we* actually did it. it was our ancestors
Mister_Blake: In all honesty I was just making a joke but I agree with you. No one should be held responsible for actions they had nothing to do with.
| 5 | 4.6 | |
1382903413 | 1382951666 | null | t5_2to41 | 124 | jengerbread: TIFU by squeezing my cat a little too hard.
So here I am minding my own business watching Torchwood in bed when Lucy, my cat, decides she needs pettings. So she gets on top of my laptop with her butt pointed in my face because she's a fucking cat and cat love putting their butts in your face. But I can'y see because she has decided stanind on my lap top is optimal position for pettings. So I gently sort of pick her up and push her butt out of the way at the same time. Well I guess I must have squeezed her a but when I picked her up because she fucking squirted shit/piss on my fucking mouth/face.
I have washed my face, brushed my teeth, and showered and I still think I can smell/taste it.
otcrowe22: Should have just ignored the cat, nothing should interrupt Torchwood
jengerbread: Even pee with flecks of poo?
otcrowe22: No, I mean before that happened
jengerbread: Oh! I would have except her big cat butt was completely blocking my view! I couldn't see anything!
otcrowe22: Humm, it's a tough one. I reckon if you shuffled around a bit, the cat might have jumped off, but then again, I ain't an expert on cat behaviour
jengerbread: Well you know what they say about hind sight....
nowonmai: If you see a hind, move before it shitpisses all over you?
jengerbread: Well, that and it's 20/20. I like your definition better.
| 9 | 13.777778 | |
1382884670 | 1382925197 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | paroonshark: TIFU by packing at the last minute.
So, it started a few months ago when I went to go help my friend with his film project. It was one of those kinds of projects that required copious amounts of food-colouring blood and fake weapons, because he's a huge Tarantino fan. I needed to carry a lot of stuff on me, so I carried it around in a backpack.
Today, I was leaving for a flight to Thailand. I had already packed my suitcase the night before, but I only packed my hand carry in the 20 minutes before I left. In a rush, I picked a random bag out of my closet.
When I arrived at Bangkok, where I'd have a quick stopover before taking a connecting flight to Chiangmai, I was faced by a cursory bag inspection. *No problem,* I'm thinking, when suddenly the attendant gets this surprised look on her face, then pulls two realistic-ish looking toy pistols out of the front pocket of my bag.
The people behind me first look a bit scared, then start nervously giggling as I desperately try to explain to the attendant. Eventually, I give up and start walking towards my gate after the attendant confiscated the props. I felt really lucky that that was all that had happened, and I didn't get detained for questioning and/or miss my flight.
TL;DR Left prop guns in my bag, bag gets searched at airport
castlite: And these weren't spotted through your first security check? Which airline and from where?
paroonshark: I flew Thai Airways from Manila to Bangkok. Honestly, I'm just as surprised as you.
| 3 | 11.666667 | |
1382928744 | 1382982874 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | The13thOutlander: TIFU by wearing a piss-soaked undershirt for 3 hours
Been lurking this sub about as long as I've been on Reddit, finally made an account and then decided to contribute. I never really thought I had a fuckup bad enough to warrant putting up, but I thought about it for a while and this one qualifies I think. This happened when I was a freshman in high school so about 8 years ago now.
When I was a freshman I was in JROTC (Junior Reserve Officers' Training Corps) and every Wednesday we had to wear our uniforms to school, we would have a dress inspection, the whole shebang. During the colder months we would wear our full Class A's with the jacket. Our inspections required a white undershirt and black socks specifically, and I only had a couple white t-shirts of the type that we needed. Sometimes I would just throw on a wrinkled one just because I didn't have a fresh clean one ready. You can probably start to see where this is going.
Now, at the time, I had these two cats, and they were good cats but sometimes they could be real pricks. They would piss on piles of laundry (especially if it was fresh, sitting on top of the washer folded, even) for no reason most of the time, and especially when they were agitated about something. They were sneaky bastards too, for obvious reasons, so we never caught them in the act. My cat in particular was an expert at opening the doors in my house so he would get in my shit and fucking piss on it.
So it's a Wednesday, I wake up and quickly take a shower, start putting on my uniform and getting ready for the day. I am looking around for a white t-shirt and the only one I see is a wrinkled ball of white sitting on my dirty laundry hamper where I had tossed it a week before. I grab it, throw it on, put on my dress shirt, my tie, my jacket and run out the door to catch the bus. Sitting on the bus I am already getting faint whiffs of piss odor, but I don't dwell on it. The connection hadn't been made yet.
I had Phys Ed 4th period of the day, JROTC 5th. Throughout the day I had these inklings of something that stank, but my stupid brain doesn't associate it to me. Occasionally I can tell other people are aware of it and are seeking the source as well, but still I am oblivious. It isn't until Phys Ed that I realize my mistake. Half the day had already passed.
The worst part, in my opinion, is that I didn't realize it until I had come back to the locker room from PE. I had changed entirely out of my uniform into a different shirt and shorts. It wasn't until I was putting my uniform back on, when I threw on the white shirt and tucked it into my pants as I pulled them up, that my friend in PE who was changing nearby looked up and said, "Dude!!" and started laughing... My other friend looked up and started laughing as well... The smell was suddenly so obvious to me, I couldn't believe I hadn't noticed it earlier.
I looked down and my shirt was covered with dry cat piss all over the right shoulder and chest, underarm... It was horrible. I ripped it off and threw it to the floor as my friends died of laughter. No one else in the locker room seemed to notice what was happening so that was good, and I quickly retreated to the lost and found bin and found an oversized white shirt I could use that had the added advantage of not being covered in piss.
I wonder how many people knew that it was me that stank of piss, or that it was in fact piss. I wondered if they could see it. Most likely. I managed to live that down and at least I didn't go to inspection with a piss-soaked shirt on, but that was probably my biggest fuckup ever. And I was just a freshman, I had to work hard to bury that and not have the fucking worst high school experience ever. Anyways that's my story, thanks for reading folks.
TL;DR : Went to school for 3 periods with a piss-soaked undershirt on, realized in Phys Ed, got a lot of shit for it.
Diiiiirty: So knowing damn well that you have cats that piss on laundry, you *still* threw on a dirty shirt without having it pass the sniff test first? You *did* fuck up...
The13thOutlander: Better TL;DR then the one I wrote.
| 3 | 8 | |
1382938340 | 1382968445 | null | t5_2to41 | 213 | [deleted]: TIFU by remembering that I was taking an online class
It's almost november. (Two months into the semester)
I had nightmares about doing this.
juhesihcaaa: Drop the class. Now. It won't effect your GPA if it's before the late-drop deadline.
mankstar: Midterms have typically passed by now. It's probably too late.
juhesihcaaa: My school does late-drop after midterms.
| 4 | 53.25 | |
1382962846 | 1382971679 | null | t5_2to41 | 694 | Wizzer10: TIFU by chopping chillies and having a wank
Title says it all.
I was making a piri piri marinade so chopped up some chillies. I tidied everything away and went to the bathroom to wash my hands. Unfortunately, I didn't wash my hands thoroughly enough as, thirty minutes later, after having a cheeky mid morning wank, the pain is excruciating. I didn't feel it mid wank but now, after all is said and done, my penis feels like someone rubbed molten rock over my glans. I've had several ice cold showers but it's still utterly excruciating. I'm considering getting a bucket of ice, next.
Why am I so dumb?
ronalacabr: Put your glans in yogurt :)
Edit: this is my most up voted comment -_-
Marx0r: Or any dairy product, really.
PunkRockGeoff: Sour cream works wonders for OP's situation. I unfortunately know.
[deleted]: And record results so we know you're doing it right. Because we care. :)
PunkRockGeoff: For the record, I wasn't fapping. My buddy thought it would be real funny to put some crazy hot sauce on the rim of my pint while I wasn't looking after I had just ate a buffalo chicken sandwich.
LegendaryPrimate: > on the rim of my
...oh no...
> pint
Turned out better than I expected.
| 7 | 99.142857 | |
1382958044 | 1383197821 | null | t5_2to41 | 113 | Merrimux: TIFU by consuming the wrong things at the wrong times all the damn time.
So I'm an idiot. There's this girl that lives across the hall from me that often makes me partake in activities with her. I try not to give in too much but I'm a moron and so when she invites me to partake in long, four hour activities riddled with social interaction I say: Fuck the essay I have due to tomorrow, I'll just take a gigantic swig of whiskey so I can deal with my social anxiety and enjoy the next little while.
By the time I'm done with the activity I'm ready to work again, but regrettably I'm still drunk (Because I'm a fucking moron) and I'm seriously lacking in time. So what do I do? Fill my body with more harmful liquids! I went out and bought a lot of Red Bull. In the past 12 hours I've consumed 7 red bulls and a 5 hour energy thing. I'm pretty sure the essay I've just written is completely incomprehensible but I can't tell because my mind is too fucked to recognize what does and does not make sense. Like how can I be so stupid? Want to know what I did yesterday morning instead of writing my essay? I'll show you:
http://i.imgur.com/JOSbp6j.jpg
I added random games to my steam library and found or created tiles for them so I could look at my games in grid view and admire how pretty they were. I must be a new breed of moron.
So now I'm sitting here in the dark with my heart beating fast enough that I can actually hear it. My essay is due in about six hours from now and I can't go to sleep to refresh my mind because I'm too hopped up on caffeine and I can't write for shit because I'm going to have the mental capacity and literacy skills of a chain smoking toddler until I get some rest. Hell I bet even the stuff I'm writing *right now* doesn't make sense.
I can't tell if the pains in my chest are stress related or if my heart is just getting ready to give out. Oh well, I guess I earned this. Maybe I'll do some jumping jacks and help the little sucker out. Would certainly solve *one* of my problems.
**TL;DR: Heart attack inc.**
**Update:**
So I fell on my bed and prayed for about 20 minutes. I'm not the religious type but I basically said I'd do volunteer work if the G man delivered me through the day unscathed. I lay down to try and nap and I kept getting graphic sexual images in my head and I was totally convinced it was God testing me. I still have faith that he will help me because those were some seriously graphic images and my member remains unwanked. So anyway I just woke up with 3 hours until my essay is due. My kidney hurts, my tongue feels like a cheese grater and my mouth tastes uncannily like my own blood. Yes, my essay is pretty retarded. I appear to have started paragraphs and then gotten frustrated at myself before mashing enter until I didn't have to look at them anymore so I have lots of useless crap at my disposal... Also my word count is therefore a total lie.
Still not a good day, friends.
**Update2:**
Oh God my neighbor is texting me, talking about how she didn't want to be up all night worrying about me. She says she *likes me* but my lack of maturity regarding my work and liberal consumption of alcohol and energy drinks (further adding to my immaturity) is what kills her interest. I don't even want her to like me. What the shit.
**Update3:**
Sitting in lecture right near the front. The energy drink shits are brewing vigorously. I'm not gonna make it until the end and I'm worried if I get up and leave my prof will make a comment and everyone will look at me and I'll shit myself in fear. I can't even pay attention to what he's saying. Why am I even here?
**Update4:**
I'm going to do a final update for those still lingering. I just slept for 14 hours, right through all my classes. The girl professed her affections for me... No idea why.
I'm going to say I've learned my lesson but I don't believe for a second that this will be my last fuck up. Look forward to sharing my failures in the future.
idrink211: And you didn't get the girl?! Fuck.
Merrimux: I have a glimmer of hope still... But yea. No real silver lining.
Fgmaniac: *"You know, it's funny. After I left your room, I got back to mine, and noticed something different. Even after I drank seven red bulls and a 5 hour energy, my heart still didn't beat as fast as it did when I was with you. Please let me be the man you deserve, and not the immature boy who's haplessly taken by a woman as beautiful as you."*
Hope it works.
Merrimux: Oh Christ that's fucking phenomenal. Would totally work too... Let's see what happens. She's coming over later anyway ;)
[deleted]: Godspeed.
Merrimux: Can't say if it was the clincher or not but I showed her the comment and within a few hours she was sending me texts about how she can't help having a crush on me. It went *okay*.
Fgmaniac: *Okay?*
You know she's interested, all it takes is a bottle of sherry and some Lionel Richie, and you've got her in the sack. A bouquet of roses and tickets to that new time travelling romcom "About Time" and you have yourself a decent first date.
Put two and two together and you have an AWESOME first date ;)
Merrimux: Feel like letting you know I asked her out. Got a date this coming Wednesday. Fuck yes.
| 9 | 12.555556 | |
1382930190 | 1382972130 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | imaybemeesh: TIFU by trying to make my clothes smell good.
So, I normally use unscented laundry detergent because I have eczema and sometimes things break me out, but over the summer I air-dryed my clothes a lot and that combined with unscented detergent led to some really musty smelling clothes.
So I got some of those scent boosters that you shake into the laundry to use when I was going to be air-drying stuff. I used it really sparingly, and never in anything that would be frequently touching sensitive areas, and it totally resolved the issues.
Fastforward to yesterday. I had left some workout clothes in a ball, and they smelled pretty bad so when I did the laundry, I added scent boosters. However, this was a load of laundry that also had a lot of underwear in it. I did not think about this at the time.
I didn't realize I fucked up until about an hour ago, when my crotch suddenly started itching like crazy. Turns out I'm allergic to the scent boosters, and now my crotch is covered in hives.
Not a great time.
kuavi: Going commando might be your immediate option here.
imaybemeesh: Thankfully I do have a few clean pairs that missed that load, so I have something to wear today until I can do laundry this evening. But otherwise, that would have been the plan.
| 3 | 11.666667 | |
1382940678 | 1382980689 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | APEdestrian: TIFU by fucking up my car
So my 1999 Pontiac grand am SE has a pretty big oil leak(and coolant) and I finally found the origin of the leak, the leak was coming from a plastic connector of some sort that looked like it connected to the engine block. The connector was loose so i decide to buy a super glue and other types of stuff that could basically/hopefully keep it plugged tight.
I put the glue on it and waited 3 hours before trying to start my car, when I did try to start my car it didn't even turn over so now I have a dead car and a plug/connector thing that's super glued in place.
I'm probably going to call a mechanic shop tomorrow and get it fixed there.
Belgara: ...why the hell would you even begin to think that was a good idea? Dare I ask what the "other types of stuff" were that are now probably in your engine?
APEdestrian: your telling me...
to be fair i put a lot of pressure on the connector so that no fluids would seep inside
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1382969397 | 1382982756 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | People_sometimes: TIFU by trying to say hey to my friends
It was the night after homecoming and I didnt go. No, instead I hung with my friends next town over. We got sushi downtown and it was great. After, we decided to go get some mcflurries. So we went to the McDonalds on the way to my house. As we were coming out of the drive thru, i saw them inside. I wanted to say "Hey!" I went to the front to open it.... And bam, locked. I was then promptly laughed at after by like ten people. And no, they did not open the door. Man today is going to be fucking awkward
esiotrotortoises: They locked you out of your own house?
Sykotron: I... think that he went through the drive through at McDonald's with one group of friends... and saw another group of friends inside the restaurant. I'm not really sure what happened here other than people didn't let him into a locked (probably near closing time) McDonald's and laughed at him.
People_sometimes: Precisely
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1382974010 | 1383078689 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFI by drunk crying at a party over a girl hugging her gay friend.
So I went to a Halloween party and got really drunk. After some drinking games with said girl. She goes into a room with 2 guys and another girl. I start to think they are having sex and run to my car to get away. I start driving and pull over in the neighborhood to cry as some of my sober friends run me down to stop from drunk driving. They get me in the passenger seat and drive us back to the party. Where the girls friend takes me away to talk about what happened. She tells me that there was not sex and they where just talking. I told her that I like her friend and I want to take her on a date. She tells me I should go into the room and tell her my real feelings. As I walk in I see this guy with his hand around her and I lose it and run into the woods to cry away from the party. I then proceed to pass out and wake up in my friends house. Apparently they found me and took me back to his house away from the party where I cried to sleep shaking. I rarely drink and even more rarely cry. At least I got her number somehow.
phartnocker: how old are you?
SirFrancisBacon2nd: My vote: 14.
phartnocker: he said he drove, otherwise I might concur.
OP-I mean no disrespect...
SirFrancisBacon2nd: [36 condoms.](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1oekw5/tifu_by_ruining_my_date_with_a_cute_blond_girl/)
phartnocker: /r/thathappened
| 6 | 2.833333 | |
1382971696 | 1382986393 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | VoicesDontStop: TIFU by offering a fist bump(and not reading signals right)
So at school my greeting to everyone I know and meet is a fist bump or if I'm being formal a handshake.
So this morning I arrive at school and head to the lunch room to hang out with my friends. I get there and none of my friends are there just this girl whose name I don't know but she hangs out with my friends so I offer a fist bump.
Now since I've know this girl I've offered a fistbump everyday since school started and she has rejected it and I dont really push it I'm just like okey and move on to the rest of the group.
When she see's me offering the fist bump she instantly gets pissed the fuck off. she slams her hands on the table and yells at me "Get away from me I dont like you!". I just put my hands up said "okey." and walked away.
Now for today I'm "that kid that got yelled at for being a creeper". Highschool sucks.
Diiiiirty: >just this ***girl*** whose name I don't know but she hangs out with my friends so I offer a ***fist bump***.
You...really don't see anything wrong with walking around fist-bumping girls? That's probably the most awkward way you can greet someone, let alone someone of the opposite sex. Give that shit up...how about a simple, "Hello?" Or instead of continuing on, why not *not* be an awkward fucker, and say, "Hey, I know we hang out with a lot of the same people, but I don't think we've ever been formally introduced. I'm VoicesDontStop. What's your name?"
VoicesDontStop: yeah I'm really awkward, like I have NO social skills when it comes to talking to people, fist bumping is my way of trying to be friendly.
Also I kind of know her name but I'm just terrible with remembering names names.
Diiiiirty: Stop the fist bump. The only times it is acceptable is when you've got shit on your hands that you don't want to get on their hands, or *occasionally* in a situation where one of your guy friends does something that elicits a "Nice!" reaction accompanied by a light fist bump. Never a girl friend unless it's a girl that you're extremely close with, like a girl you've been dating for a long time or a really close female friend, and used in a similar manner to when used with guys.
When you greet a group of people, there is no need to greet everybody individually unless you haven't seen them in awhile. Walk up to the table of your friends and say, "What's up, guys!" and grab a seat somewhere and don't make some big event out of your arrival, because it isn't. No offense, but these are people you see every day.
When you are greeting one or two friends, a firm straight-forward handshake is usually the least lame way to give a personal greeting, or you could just say, "What's up," and fall in line. I still greet my best friend of 15 years with a handshake every time I see him. When it comes to greeting women, if it is a woman I know well like a friend's SO, a family member, or a female acquaintance, I give them an ass-out hug or a one-armed hug. If it is a woman I don't know, I shake her hand and introduce myself (as you should do with *anyone* you don't know -- never wait for someone to introduce you or for someone else to introduce themselves. Take initiative and always be the first to say, "I'm VoicesDontStop, by the way. I've good friends with 'whoever you guys know in common.' And you are?"). If it is a woman you only sort of know but not good enough to hug, just a friendly smile and wave will suffice. If you don't know whether to hug or shake, just remember that she doesn't know either, so I say always go for the hug. It makes you appear friendlier, and worst case scenario is you'll make *her* feel like an ass for thinking she was only on hand-shaking level with you. If you're in high school, the fist bump is *probably* okay, but that's a habit you gotta cut...and soon...especially if you ever plan on getting laid.
VoicesDontStop: thanks for the advice
| 5 | 2.4 |
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