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1382983186 | 1383004888 | null | t5_2to41 | 250 | jukejointj: TIFU by covering a shift for a coworker
I opted to cover a shift for a coworker today and it turns out whoever worked that shift was the winner of the first ever random drug test this base has ever had.
Yesterday I went to a buddy's house to watch the football game and smoked pot for the first time in years. It was my day off and I knew I'd be sober well before I started my shift so I had a few hits off a bong.
I don't smoke regularly and I didn't smoke a lot. I take the test in about 20 minutes, so wish me luck!
Cresfresh: Drink a ton of water.
Jchamberlainhome: No, that will give a dilute reading, in many cases this can be considered a positive depending on the drug policy of the organization. In some cases they allow two consecutive dilutes, but most regulated drug screens (i.e. DOT) consider this a positive.
mattman00000: So, are there drug policies out there that consider a "dilute reading" a positive result automatically? Like, "if the subject has dilute urine, it must be because they use drugs and tried to beat the test"?
Jchamberlainhome: Most of the time the policy calls for more than one dilute as the parameter.
mattman00000: Meaning that multiple dilute samples implies drug use? Maybe I'm missing something, but can't dilute samples still contain testable drug substances?
Jchamberlainhome: Most policies are written to just indicate what happens during various drug screen scenarios. The OP was told to drink a bunch of water. This could potentially case the sample to be classified as a dilute. In most cases this indicates that the sample cannot be accurately tested for narcotics.
| 7 | 35.714286 | |
1382150162 | 1383002026 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | MCCreepers13: TIFU by downloading iFunny
Today ( a week ago ) I fucked up by discovering iFunny was back on the App Store and downloading it and thinking "Fuck it, I'm going on iFunny for now on, I don't need reddit. It's too much work anyways, iFunny is better, Reddit sucks". Boy I thought wrong, and yes I know I deserve so many downvotes for what I said about reddit but I haven't been on iFunny in like 3 months. I bet you would be the same way if Reddit was taken off the internet ( for some unknown reason ) and was later put back on the internet a year later. Anyway let's get to the point, everyone on iFunny is such a perverted dickhead who's obsessed with nothing but anime, mlp ( no offense to bronies ), porn, bacon, nutella, Kate Upton, boobs, etc. That's all they talk about on there, like for example this one guy on there ( can't remember his name ) on there said "Bacon, Nutella, and Kate Upton are 3 things I can't live without". I mean like, really? I like bacon and all but what is their obsession with peanut butter and some girl with big boobs ( I think I just answered my own question. )? And whenever I try to search anything on iFunny 3 things come up, anime, anime porn, and porn. I don't even search anything related to anime or porn and it pops up. It's just really weird how they obsess over this stuff. Also whenever you even tell them that they have a TINY obsession with something ( like bacon ) they rage. They start down voting you, saying mean things to you, they act like their gonna come to your house and murder you. Their such dumbasses too. Yeah I think I'm gonna stick with reddit for now on.
Spade4103: Yeah, when you said they like anime and MLP. They started This stupid thing called the ABB (Anti brony brotherhood) and the Notakus. http://mega-demon-piggy.deviantart.com/art/Anti-Brony-Brotherhood-Poster-277373449
MCCreepers13: O.o wow....I don't know how to respond to this...
Spade4103: I didnt either. Its so stupid
| 4 | 1 | |
1382983537 | 1383025897 | null | t5_2to41 | 178 | skypeistheworst: TIFU by adding a customer to my skype account
So I work for a cell phone company as a sales representitive. My job is selling phones and doing basic troubleshooting. One of my customers, a sweet old lady, came in wondering why skype was not working. After looking into it we figured out that she was trying to call cellphone numbers and would need skype credit for that. I told her that if she added a skype username that it would place the call, unfortunately, she doesnt believe me. To prove my point and to show her how to do it I told her to add my skype. right when she adds me a look of shear disgust and hatred rolls over her face. that is when I look at my name in her contact book and beneath it it says. I JUST LOST MY ANALBEADS, FUCKKKKKKKK. This 60 y/o lady looked like she was trying to set me aflame with her eyes... I havent used skype in 5 years. Only thing I can think of is my friends changed it years ago... I wanted to die.
skypeistheworst: Just got out of work glad today is over
potatoiam: Does your boss know what happened?
skypeistheworst: No he doesnt thank god.
PixelOrange: For future use: when you're doing something for work, set up dummy accounts.
| 5 | 35.6 | |
1382990740 | 1383058375 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by purchasing a Brazzers Trial
elf25: WHAT !?! I can't trust a major professional pornography company?
Accountthree: It is actually surprising that a well-known business that relies heavily credit card subscribers wouldn't strive to have a secure reputation. Regardless of their product.
| 3 | 1 | |
1382994372 | 1383001855 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | alkmaar: TIFU by buying something I really didn't need and now have to return it first thing tomorrow
The store has a no return policy and I would get fucking screwed if I don't return it. I'm scared as fuck guys. Need advice.
Ormuzd: That all depends on the store, if it is a big chain store of some kind you can usually get a manager and w/ enough complaining get a refund (but you will never be welcome there again).
If its a specialty shop (read as adult products) do not count on a refund, no one will take a chance w/ a second hand butt plug.
Moral of the story. No Refund means, NO REFUND 50% of the time.
alkmaar: Who on earth would return a butt plug? Anyway that's not the point. The stores one of the few sle electronic stores in my city. Lets see what happens tomorrow. Any specific cards I can play?
Ormuzd: You must not read any of the "I work at a sex shop AMA"s. Its amazing the shit people will try to return (used some times).
If it is an electronic store maybe say something in it does not work the way you though it would. Playing dumb w/ electronics works almost as well as it does with computers. With out knowing what kind of item it is there really isn't any specific advice i can offer.
| 4 | 2 | |
1382994789 | 1383041144 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,208 | regretloss: TIFU by losing a USB drive with nude photos of a friend
Small backstory: I'm in my second year at university, majoring in Art. I had an assignment about six weeks ago that I managed to persuade a friend of mine to model for me. She agreed provided that I didn't draw her face. She came over to my house, stripped down and posed for me. It was a complicated piece that was going to have several poses from her arranged in a particular way. But she started to get tired after about an hour. On her suggestion, I took photographs of her in the required poses and loaded them on to her laptop so that I could draw from them and then delete them when I was done and that if I needed any additional detail she could pose again but at least it wouldn't be as tiring. The work would still be done in a day but she'd be more comfortable while I worked.
This was fine except that while she went out to the bathroom or to get something to eat etc. I copied the photos from her computer onto a USB drive. Partly so I would have them in case I needed to edit later and shamefully, because she is also quite attractive. She never noticed, the work was finished and she deleted the photos thinking that they were gone forever. I thanked her and left, and things went back to normal.
I didn't think it was safe to leave the memory stick in my house as I couldn't guarantee that one of my roommate's wouldn't find it and look at it so I kept it with me. The photos were buried pretty deeply on the drive so I could use it safely around the place. Until today.
I got a call while I was working on an essay in the library and rushed off. I thought I put everything away safely but a few hours later I realized that the drive was not in my bag at all and that I had no memory of removing it from the computer. I went back but there was no sign of it and no-one handed it in at the desk.
I'm freaking out right now. My friend will freak out if these photos are leaked. It will probably kill her. I've abused her trust and she's going to pay for it. I can't tell (I just can't have that conversation with her) but I hate the thought of these being passed around and her just being blind sided by it.
**TL;DR, I lost a USB drive with nude photos of my friend that I went behind her back to get, and don't know what to do now.**
hissxywife: You're a douchebag for keeping her photos without her knowledge. At least without her face in them, here's a deniability factor for her, but yeah, you really fucked up. I hope you find the USB or at least nobody figures out what they have.
ikma: There's the fuckup... OP was a shitty fucking person.
*whoops*
Zemedelphos: He's not a shitty person, he just did a shitty thing.
People do stupid stuff all the time because they think that they'll be conscientious enough to prevent the bad scenarios from happening. However, there are typically more ways for it to go wrong than go right, and statistically, that means it's more likely that it's going to go wrong. This is not to say that the thing they're doing isn't bad even if it does go right, but that doesn't mean they're an intrinsically bad person for it.
Good people can do bad things just as bad people can do good things.
thesteinlab: So if our actions don't determine whether we are good or bad people, then what does?
[deleted]: There is no good or bad, nor right or wrong. There's just the consequences of an individual's actions.
Jrook: That's really dumb.
[deleted]: My main point is that people can't be "bad" or "good"
PatchedEye: You're right. Hitler was a total neutral dude.
[deleted]: Hitler wasn't completely good or bad.
Tlk2ThePost: But rather bad than good.
[deleted]: If I were forced to pick one, yes.
| 12 | 100.666667 | |
1382988460 | 1383006497 | null | t5_2to41 | 114 | DrivingEroticaly: TIFU watched Friday the 13th While I have diarrhea
So I woke up with diarrhea and stomacheaches. I'm laying in bed and decide to watch tv being that its October and almost Halloween there's a lot of scary movies on. Well one of the jump scares actually made me jump and that motion caused me to spew "mud" all up my back down my legs a little on my balls a good puddle on my bed and a trail of "mud" from my bed the the toilet. As I was in a hurry I didn't shut the door so my mom walked by to check on me and she got a good look right at my junk all she said before walking away awkwardly was "it's cold" I don't know which is worse!?!
TL;DR: watched scary movie shit my pants mom says penis is small.
Edit: typos, added TL;DR
whelp_welp: Well shit.
imnotarobot1: He did.
| 3 | 38 | |
1382998230 | 1382999405 | t3_1pf2e4 | t5_2to41 | 4 | Merrimux: You could go see your campus psychiatrist and tell them you were going through a bout of depression and get a note from them. Maybe you could say you went home for the weekend to recuperate. God damn, I lie too much.
Urrrhn: Don't go with depression. They won't want to enable your hiding away from the world. Stick with the shits.
Merrimux: I suffer from depression and my doctor/TAs were nothing but supportive on the one occasion where I needed some time to get my mind right.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1383004100 | 1383238239 | null | t5_2to41 | 386 | throwaway455998: TIFU by pulling my pants down
So I'm a girl. And today I'm wearing skinny jeans and a lace thong. Yes, this does have to do with my fuck up, I'm not just trying to turn you on. So I'm sitting in class with my legs crossed and I somehow get a really bad front wedgie when I stand up from my desk (see, I told you I wasn't turning you on.) So I leave class and as I walk back to my residence, this wedgie problem is getting worse and worse. I am in a ton of pain, so I'm trying to wiggle around while I walk, with great success- I could barely notice it now! So I get back to residence and I'm lying on my bed when I feel the urge to go to the washroom. As I'm pulling my pants down, I experience the worst amount of pain I have gone through in a while. It felt like someone just pierced my lady business. I let out a shriek and look down and notice a pool of blood forming, as well as a piece of what looks like rubber. I sit down and as I'm peeing I'm freaking out, trying to figure out what the rubber is, when I realize the toilet is full of blood. The piece of rubber turned out to be part of my "labs", which I had ripped a chunk out of. I guess what had happened is in class, part of the lab got stuck in the lace of my thong, as I walked I further got it stuck, and when I pulled down my thong, it ripped that part right off. I now am no longer able to walk, and am throwing this underwear out right away.
TLDR; Female front wedgie turns into bloody, ripped labia mess.
[deleted]: This hurts, and I don't even have a vagina
Anticept: Whaat? I've never seen a pussy without a vagina!
Edit: its a joke, just messin' with op...
aaroa: That's okay. But just for your knowledge there are male cats too.
[deleted]: There's no way to prove that have you ever seen a cat penis
aaroa: You can actually see the penis. Source: I had a cat.
[Just for your knowledge](https://encrypted.google.com/search?q=cat+penis&tbm=isch)
If you're referring to proving as in epistemological sense I just leave you alone...
[deleted]: You don't watch Community do you
aaroa: Well no. Shit, these jokes referring to movies or other popular media always go past me...
| 8 | 48.25 | |
1383004085 | 1383037392 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | laurawrs: tifu by leaving my toothbrush out at my boyfriends house.
This weekend we had a Friday off of school and my boyfriends parents were going to be gone all weekend at a camping trip that we went to, but my boyfriend was too sick to stay. So this whole weekend I stayed over at his house without his parents noticing and mine not caring.
This was all great up until Saturday night when my mom called and asked when I planned on returning home. This started the debate of should I go home tonight and call it a quits or should I stay and watch my boyfriend play at his church Sunday morning with his parents getting home around the time he finishes. Both of us are selfish and kept me over one more night. This was all great nobody knew about it that shouldn't have known and then Sunday morning I wake up earlier than my SO. I decide to go on askreddit and there was a thread about what purchase under 20 $ would they recommend or something of that nature.
I look at the post and then there was something about a tongue scraper and I kept reading and I am not the most avid teeth brusher but this thread made me feel gross. I have a toothbrush for when I do stay the night (in a guest room and his parents home) and I brushed my teeth. I put it back in the package and left it out due to some car conundrum and drama between SO and his brother. I completely forgot about my toothbrush and we then had to go for him to be on time for work.
His mom came home and saw it and knew it was mine. Asked his brother where my SO was and he said driving me home. fuck. Now we are both in a lot of trouble with his mom and are both suffering alone.
**TL;DR: left a toothbrush out that was mine after a sneaky weekend at my boyfriends house. Mom came home instantly knew.**
lordnibbler16: Suffering alone?
laurawrs: We aren't allowed to see each other outside of school for a while. And we have no classes together.
2heartslovelycanter: How old are y'all? Just curious...
laurawrs: 17.
| 5 | 3.6 | |
1383008062 | 1383124965 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | bilateral_symmetry: TIFU by eating maggots.
It was a long day. I've been trying to eat low carb to lose those last few pounds, so I bought a small package of pistachios for a late afternoon snack. I get in the car and start mindlessly munching on pistachios as I surf Pandora for some relaxing driving music. The pistachios are delicious but something doesn't feel right. I look down, and to my horror the package is filled with maggots. I had already eaten half the pack. Here's to hoping maggots are low carb.
fllwthewolves09: You just ruined pistachios for me! That was possibly one of the greatest joys in life, and now its ruined! **Fuck you OP! Fuck you.**
^not ^really ^we're ^still ^friends
Reads_Small_Text_Bot: > not really we're still friends
Makes_Small_Text_Bot: ^(not really we're still friends)
Eats_Small_Text_Bot: ^*nom*
| 5 | 4 | |
1383007309 | 1383093968 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | CioCZ: TIFU by going on a date without being able to pay
So after reading up on everyone's mishaps, i was unfortunately reminded of a scenario that i went through.
This happened maybe 2 years ago, when i decided that i would take my girlfriend out for a romantic meal to celebrate our 2nd year of being together. The venue for our romantic getaway was a restaurant called "The Fish Hopper." It's an upscale restaurant that was overlooking the ocean, where every table was set with silverware and a pre-folded cloth napkin. Anyways, meal goes by fantastically, and here comes the server with our bill. Every time i go to a restaurant, i never look at the bill and just hand my card over. it's my way of showing that i was prepared for the meal and/or the price is insignificant.
So... here's where the nightmare begins. Rewind to a week before our date. It just so happened that my debit card expired without my knowledge, and i needed a replacement. The replacement came in approximately two days before the date occurred. Stupid me for not activating the card right then and there, but i had no purchases to make, nor did i ever leave the house at all.
Back to the restaurant, and the server comes back telling me, "sir, i'm sorry but your card was declined." at this point, i was caught off guard and blurted "WHAT!?" My comment garnered the attention of the people that were near me. The eyes of all the middle aged ladies and gentlemen were looking at the young couple as the server was staring at me. I fumbled to my wallet and gave him another card, telling him to give it a try. I knew that the other card didn't have any money in it, but i decided it was worth a shot to overdraft it. It didn't work. It's been roughly 20 mins at this point since we finished eating and my gf was just looking at me. I talked to the manager and asked them if there was anything i could do. She was actually pretty rude, telling me that if i didn't have the money, i shouldnt have went to the restaurant. At this point, i asked for 10 mins, as i went outside the restaurant and tried making some calls. I called the debit card company for the card that should have had money in it.
It turned out that the debit card that i was given wasnt activated yet, and could only be activated by using the pre-determined pin # that would be sent 3-5 days after receiving the debit card. At this point, i was screwed. It's been 40 mins, with my gf still waiting at the table, as i talked to the manager saying i wouldnt be able to pay. The manager then told me to try and activate my card through faxing my ID to the company and what not, i won't get too much into details cuz it's pretty annoying and i don't remember all the details anyways.
Long story short, after an hour of my gf patiently sitting at the table and the manager being a headache, she decided "we'll just bill your house." With that, we were able to leave, despite the commotion i caused and the embarrassment i let my gf go through. I got the bill from the restaurant like two months later, i still didn't pay it due to how rude the manager was. For those that are wondering, my gf didn't give me any grief about this, but it's definitely scarred both of us, in that every time i pay for something, theres a slight hesitation... hoping that it doesn't happen again.
TL/DR; gf sat at table for an hour because i couldn't pay for the meal at a fancy restaurant, hesitation every time i make a purchase, and i never payed the bill.
flitterella: >She was actually pretty rude, telling me that if i didn't have the money, i shouldnt have went to the restaurant.
Yeah, how dare she be right at you when you've done nothing but show signs of being an excellent customer who's totally not trying to get out of paying.
You're kind of a dick.
CioCZ: i had every intent to pay. I've given her 2 cards that wouldn't go through, i've also tried making calls. When i tried asking her what my options were she threw snide remarks as well as speaking in a condescending tone.
GravityChanges: I can understand your feelings after the fact and the terror during, BUT I still believe in my own integrity regardless of others' or their behavior. My advice would be to pay the bill now (yea it is old and forgotten, but for you) even though she was 'mean'. Be the bigger man and all that now that the commotion has passed.
CioCZ: I would, since i've been working full-time since the past year, but that paper bill is long gone. I will patronize their business again if im ever back in the area.
stopslops: As the other guy said, I get it that it was fucked up for her to have a shitty attitude with you.
That really doesn't have anything to do with the bill though. You ordered food, you received and consumed the food, and I'm assuming the service was good prior to the payment issue? That is what the bill is for, it has nothing to do with how you were treated after the 'dining experience'. She probably could have been more understanding, bu she has probably dealt with a lot of people just trying to get out of paying.
Aaaaanyway. You posted it as "today I fucked up". You fucked up, take your lashings and pay your bill.
| 6 | 1 | |
1382925879 | 1383261860 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by fooling around with a good friend who is in a committed, long term relationship.
I was out with some friends last night, and we were all drinking really heavily, but I stopped early to sober up and drive home. We got back to the house, and everyone crashed there. My friend and I were sharing a bed due to lack of available space, and after the other people in that room fell asleep, things just kind of...happened.
It wasn't sex, but we made out heavily and grinded on each other until we both came. The problem is, he lives with his boyfriend of several years, and I knew that going into this. I feel awful, especially because, although I don't take it upon myself to monitor other people's behavior, I take a very clear stance about cheating in committed relationships.
I'm concerned that this is entirely my fault...I've known for a while that he was attracted to me, and I've been flirty, mostly because I've had a lot of bad luck romantically lately, and enjoy the attention. I didn't initiate what happened last night, but I definitely could have stopped it, and know that my leading him on hasn't helped the situation. Now I'm terrified that I may have not only ruined his relationship, but put myself in a position where I'll need to distance myself from him and the rest of that group of friends, which would be devastating.
**TL;DR:** Went out with friends, came back to the house, shared a bed with a friend, and we fooled around while everyone was sleeping, despite his boyfriend of several years.
nirenem: Urg, I've got a friend who I'm afraid that will happen with. It sucks when you're more committed to monitoring your behaviour than said friend-in-relationship is.
Talk it out with the friend. At the very least, you'll be on the same page.That might also help you to establish some boundaries, which will make things less awkward in the future.
Abomination822: If you have friend you think that will happen with then make sure you aren't in a situation that it can, otherwise you are terrible.
nirenem: Dude, that's pretty difficult. Sorry, life contains a wide variety of situations, and you don't always have options.
I have:
* had to share a bed with a close friend who liked me due to having nowhere else to go; alternative was to sit on the freezing floor, staring at the wall until dawn
* slept on a mutual friend's floor next to a friend who liked me and was in a relationship with someone else; alternative was to move to another part of the room, which in the context would have been offensive
Really, I think the best option is just to watch yourself. Be aware that you have agency and it takes two to cheat, and be the one that doesn't. Don't be a prude, just keep your morality intact. Kay?
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1383009838 | 1383048662 | null | t5_2to41 | 39 | gandalfv31415: TIFU by wasting about 80 bucks on a lap dance
so this happened friday night, but I in Canada and didn't really have internet due to roaming charges, I just got back
so my college ultimate frisbee team has a tradition where we go to Montreal to play in a frisbee tournament, we got there friday night and it only took us about 5 minutes to start drinking (drinking age is 18) after a bit of pregame we all went out to a bar, me and four other guys split 2 pitchers, and we went upstairs to meet up with some other guys from the team where we killed another pitcher with some other people, by the end of that bar alone I had about 3 pints worth, and as a relative light weight that was enough to get me going, one of the 4 guys mentioned above had been to Montreal before and knew of this strip club called "Cafe Cleopatra" we decided to go. I was excited cause I was about to go to my first strip club
10 minute walk later we get there, we sit down order some more drinks, I ordered another bottle and drank that down and we sat and watched the girls on stage for a bit, I decided I wanted a lap dance, I told the guys, got up, walked over to a stripper and started talking to her a bit before she asked if I wanted any fun, I said yes, she led me to a booth and started dancing, I got really caught up in it cause she took her top off and let me rub her anywhere I wanted, I completely lost track of time and next thing I know my friend (who had been there before) came around to get me, he had to talk to the main bouncer to get him to talk to the mini bouncers guarding the lap dance area to let him get to me to pull me out (he later told me I was in there for a solid 20 minutes), if he hadn't, I probably would have sat there for another 20 minutes, they charge by the song and I ended up going through 6-7 songs racking up a 60 dollar bill plus tip (10 bucks per song apparently). I only planned on spending about 20 dollars there (not a very high class place obviously) The other problem was, I couldn't understand he english very well, she spoke english, just with a french accent. I didn't really understand the charging, I was enjoying the female on my lap too much in my drunken stupor
by the end of the night I had spent a little over a hundred dollars which was about 3/4 of what I had withdrawn that night (I was planning for the whole weekend, solely on food and beer) As a freshman in college, that was way too much for me
I got about half a dozen nicknames by my team which include: Lapdance, Bigtipper, Lady, and Stripper
tl;dr drank a ~~bit~~ lot, got a lap dance, spent a lot more than I planned to
LRats: This is how Strip Clubs get you man, a lot of first timers end up making this mistake. Almost happened to me.
gandalfv31415: especially a french stripper with not perfect english
nudebuddah: Montreal or not, I bet her English was just fine after she left work that night.
| 4 | 9.75 | |
1383002652 | 1383084221 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | tapittuco: TIFU by taking my wife to Knotts "Scary" Farm
I apologize in advance for the amount of text but the whole experience was horrible and maybe somebody can offer a funny way to look at it.
This was on Saturday and my first fuck up **was seeing Carrie**. Anyway, about a month ago I asked if she'd like to go one of those Halloween-themed theme parks on my time off and she was cool with it. So after seeing Carrie we went down to Buena Park and began our misery.
On the drive there I got a call from an old friend that I just had to answer and put it on speaker(note: this "friend" is a *world-class* asshole); when I told him what we were doing he kinda went on his own little conversation with himself calling the wife a "bitch" and joked "-Man, women are like condoms, they spend more time in your wallet than on your dick-" all i could do was hang-up and promise I'll look for new friends, and although I knew it was fucked up I couldn't help but laugh at that last joke, that didn't help...and neither did the traffic.
Then we get there and we get to the hotel up the street and we got a couple hours before they re-opened the park or whatever it is they do at 7 pm, so we get to the room and I kick off my shoes and make for the bed when I stubbed my toe-*all of a sudden I remember the shower I took that morning and the swollen ingrown toenail*-jump back to reality and me out of breath for using every word in the book with her almost pissing herself from laughing and its not even 5. After that she offers some pain pills from her purse and I take some shit in a container and she goes "-OH wait!" I just remembered ^something^something^that might be the wrong bottle^fuzzy^details^bleh..." but I already downed what I thought were pain pills, and they ended up being some enzymes or fiber, what the fuck am I supposed to know; its good for you right? Heh, hehehehehe **WRONG!**
After grabbing something to eat, we head off for Knotts. First we headed for the "Slaughterhouse" and after that I point towards "MirrorrorriM" while we're harassed by evil ghouls! Note: I try to have fun and enjoy myself. Anyway one of the ghouls walked by and he like to pick up those metal base line dividers and stomp them when he fucks up and smashes some chick's foot in front of us (I'm surprised didn't see a TIFU post about that guy, I hope he didn't lose his job, after all nothing is scarier than a lawsuit! Hahaha, aww I hope I'm not the only one who laughed at that). 2 hours later we get in she bumps into a mirror (I'm cleverly hiding behind her from the creepy monsters! Smart right?) her glasses fall **CRUNCH**-"OH shi-" After a horrible look I lead us out of Mirror house and away from that annoying witch on the speaker whose laughing was getting on everyone's nerves.
Next we go see a play called "The Hanging" that's pack with more references than that awful Family Guy game (rather entertaining show I'll add) where they hang somebody famous and I'm laughing throughout and at some point I look over and she's puzzled, guess who only got half of the pop culture references?
Then we went on some rides and get motion sickness->get motion sickness->puke up my McDonald's (on these rides even though I loved going on big rides at Six Flags, embarrassing I know)->go on the water raft ride->get soaked->pay 3.29 for some beverages(edit: Knotts' equivalent of 8$ beers at concerts)->lose my phone->get scared->put up with some assholes who work the rides->*repeat*.
Its about 2 am and we head out; we're damp, our feet hurt, I dropped the stuffed animal I won for her in a puddle, those enzymes or fiber (er some shit) kick in I now have an upset stomach, I've no phone (good thing I'm due for an upgrade!), and all I can give her is a half-drenched toy with a smile reeking of defeat and an apology for her boredom when we get back to the hotel.
tl;dr I tried to have fun with my wife by going to Knotts "Scary" Farm and shat out miserable failure.
aceplanet: It sounds like you really tired, and isn't that the important part?
tapittuco: yeah getting rest during a vacation is a must.
especially when you work two jobs.
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1383024897 | 1383079279 | null | t5_2to41 | 150 | shallard: TIFU by peeling a layer off my eye
This happened a couple months ago, but whatever.
It was around 1AM and I'd been up all day wearing my contacts and they were getting pretty dry. I groggily walked to my bathroom and began to take my contacts out, except they were being stubborn. Usually when your contacts are really dry (like if you sleep in them) they are difficult to take out and can even sting a little.
So there I was, getting frustrated because my sticky feeling contacts were not budging. Thinking they were just really dry, I decided I would use my finger nail to get up under the edge of the lens. I moved my finger nails along my eye searching for the edge in a pinching motion. Finally I felt the edge and started trying to pull it up. Instantly a stinging pain shot through my eye. "Wow, these things were on good." As I got more frustrated and the pain kept increasing, I decided to just keep pulling - I couldn't bare to have these things in anymore. I grasped firmly onto an edge I had managed to lift and pulled.
Then I looked down and saw my contact lens staring up at me. Only then did I realize it had come out on the first attempt. I had been cutting the surface of my eye with my nails and managed to pull a nice little flap open.
cebbers18: No. No. NO. NO NO NO. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
njdevilsfan24: That happened after i read the title, tueb after i read the story. Oh god.
| 3 | 50 | |
1383029904 | 1391778959 | null | t5_2to41 | -2 | dudewiththebling: TIFU by drinking purple drank
Will edit when sober.
Rectumwarts00: grammar seems too good to be sipping purple drank.
dudewiththebling: I'm ust sobering uo
[deleted]: THE STORY
dudewiththebling: I was walking with a couple of friends when we encountered another group of friends in a park with a milk jug full of purple drank. We decided to drink it with them. Having vertigo, I became incredibly dizzy.
[deleted]: Oh, okay.
| 6 | -0.333333 | |
1383044413 | 1383106003 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,256 | H1Ed1: TIFU by showing my students porn
I work in China as a college ESL (English as Second Language) teacher. Today was a relaxed class, playing games with my freshman to practice pronunciation. During break time in class, I took it upon myself to download a popular media player used by a Chinese TV/movie site. With that player I can stream TV shows and movies with Chinese & English subtitles. So I went ahead and downloaded it onto the classroom desktop. I have the player on my personal laptop, but had forgotten that downloading it opens the flood gates for porn and rpg related pop ups. Once class reconvened, we continued our game: 2 students stand in front of the projector screen, I say a word, they must reach and touch the correct word/picture. The words on the screen were "Ship" and "Sheep". I say the word "Ship", and I'll be damned, as soon as The words left my mouth and the students lunged for the screen..a pop up of an Chinese girl in lace lingerie appeared, face down ass up. The students ended up hands on the ass! Without missing a beat I x'd out of the pop up, look at the class, and simply say "Shit". We all had a good laugh.
I immediately uninstalled the media player.
TL;DR: Ship, Sheep, Porn, Shit!
Edit: Took a pic of my other class playing the same game today.http://i.imgur.com/n99uas5.jpg
EllBrah: Read your post thinking to myself it'd be even more of a fuck up if it was chinese porn, wasn't disappointed.
Diiiiirty: Why would it make it worse if it were Chinese porn?
EllBrah: just seems like he'd be reinforcing the stereotype of westerners having 'yellow fever' I suppose
Diiiiirty: Oh, gotcha. That makes sense.
I don't really believe in that whole yellow fever thing though. ^^^I ^^^kid, ^^^my ^^^girlfriend ^^^is ^^^Korean.
Reads_Small_Text_Bot: > I kid, my girlfriend is Korean.
Makes_Small_Text_Bot: ^(I kid, my girlfriend is Korean.)
Eats_Small_Text_Bot: ^*nom*
[deleted]: What the fuck is going on here?
Moonhowler22: Makes_Small_Text_Bot occasionally replies to Reads_Small_Text_bot, and it creates an infinite loop. It's happened before, though I forget what thread. I'd imagine Eats_Small_Text_Bot was implemented to stop such loops.
It's also funny.
[deleted]: It would be hilarious to see a loop.
Thanks for the explanation. When I get a working debit card in the mail, I'll give you gold for being cool.
Moonhowler22: Oh man, the loop I saw was pretty long. There were a few "Click to continue thread" buttons that had to be pressed. I'm not sure what stopped the loop. I'll try to find the link.
[deleted]: Thank you so much. I'd look for it, but I had to give up because of homework.
Moonhowler22: Well that was easier than expected.
It looks like some comments were deleted. I think they were part of the loop. Here's the first part: http://www.reddit.com/r/Volkswagen/comments/1k836n/volkswagen/cbmlfps
Then /u/TheBulbaderp starts it back up in the "Continue this thread" link under ReadsSmallTextBot: http://www.reddit.com/r/Volkswagen/comments/1k836n/volkswagen/cbmlkiq
Finally, the ends of the loop: End 1: http://www.reddit.com/r/Volkswagen/comments/1k836n/volkswagen/cbn0pbw
End 2: http://www.reddit.com/r/Volkswagen/comments/1k836n/volkswagen/cbn2caf
[deleted]: You're definitely getting gold. Contact me in about three days (that's when I expect my replacement card to get here).
Moonhowler22: Don't give me gold, man. I've still got 3 months + 3 weeks of gold. Give it to someone else.
[deleted]: Daww, thanks. I'm going to pay this forward. I'm tagging you as the nicest person ever.
Moonhowler22: Haha I try.
But I swear to god, if you eat my cinnamon roll toaster strudels, nothing can save you. *Nothing.* (My sisters ate my strudels. Made me sad. I will not be nice to them.)
[deleted]: I will never eat your cinnamon roll toaster strudels.
*Wipes crumbs from mouth*
Moonhowler22: [Hmmm....](http://i.imgur.com/H02rOdK.jpg)
[deleted]: No way. I'm watching Futurama right now. Specifically the episode where Bender tries to find out if he has free will.
| 21 | 59.809524 | |
1383042178 | 1383060305 | null | t5_2to41 | 216 | sionnach: TIFU by pouring acid into the toilet
Today (last night, actually) I fucked up by pouring a some phosphoric acid into the toilet. Nothing wrong with that, to remove some of the limescale. But I hadn't bargained on our cleaning lady (maid, for those of you in the USA) to have already have poured a load of bleach in there earlier in the day.
Mmmm... room full of chlorine gas. Nobody is dead, which is good.
wonderlandrabbit: She should have used some lemon pledge.
LaLaBKS: No..no. We need more lemon pledge..
DerpyTheGrey: I once worked at a transportation museum that would clean WWI planes with bottles and bottles of pledge. About two entire cans would clean a plane, we would spray it on thicker than I knew pledge could go on.
wonderlandrabbit: That is mildly interesting!
swimbr070: /r/mildlyinteresting
| 6 | 36 | |
1383062272 | 1383161107 | null | t5_2to41 | 50 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving my suppositories on the sink.
I have a yeast infection, so my gyno prescribed me medication in the form of vaginal suppositories. They come in metal foils and are shaped like bullets. After inserting the first one last night, I left the other "bullets" on my bathroom sink.
I share my bathroom with my younger brother. He's 12 years old and loves Nerf guns. Last week I woke him up by farting in his face so to get me back he took my vaginal suppositories, unwrapped them, put them in his biggest Nerf gun, and shot me in the face with them this morning. Now I have squished antifungal suppositories all over my blankets and nothing to stick up my vag for this yeast infection.
tl;dr: My little brother shot me with my vagina medication.
Sero1990: First of all: that's hilarious that you fart in your brother's face (as a lady and all)
Secondly: He won (so far)
DerpyTheGrey: Given that this is TIFU, the correct response is probably to pee on him or something.
| 3 | 16.666667 | |
1383063999 | 1383072334 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | SuaveMentlegen: TIFU by having terrible luck with electronics.
I've had an iPod for about 3 or 4 years now, and it's gotten pretty beat up. Yesterday I dropped my iPod and the screen shattered, so I decided to take off the screen for whatever stupid reason I had in mind. Now half the touch screen is unresponsive, making the iPod useless. Later on I let my 17 month old brother play with my PsVita, which lead to him somehow factory resetting that. I was feeling pretty bad at this point so I decided to play elsword, a game on the computer, and I was doing surverys to get points to buy a skill. I downloaded something to finish the survey, hoping I could just delete it afterwards. It made Chrome always open up to some "do search" page, so I had to reinstall Chrome. To top this all off, I decided to update my computer to Windows 8.1, and after installing it I now have 1 inch black borders around my screen. I googled the problem and the solution involved catalyst control center. I thought it was gonna be a simple fix, but it turns out this update also made catalyst control center fuck up.
TL;DR - destroyed ipod, factory reset psvita, fucked up chrome, and downloaded windows 8.1.
DAsSNipez: Catalyst Control Centre can be a bitch.
If I remember the last time I dealt with this correctly your best bet is to look for a driver remover, boot into safe mode remove the driver, restart and check that it is fully removed.
SuaveMentlegen: Yeah I saw that on a lot of the forums I looked through. I'm just gonna wait til my dad gets home from work and ask him to help me.
| 3 | 5 | |
1383071628 | 1383848091 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | dcwj: TIFU by sleeping through my alarm before a midterm
I had a midterm scheduled for 10:00 this morning, and my commute usually takes a little over an hour. The class goes until 11:20, and I managed to wake up at 10:17 this morning.
Now at this point, things were looking incredibly grim, because I'd be lucky to even get there for 11:20. I hurriedly gathered my things and got ready to leave, and then my mom offered to drive me. I accepted and we hurried out the door and get on the road. I thought of texting a friend in the class, but I knew they'd still be writing it at this point and unable to use their phones.
We got to my campus at around 11:01 and I sprinted to the building my exam was in and got there around 11:03. There were people huddled outside the room and they wished me good luck as I dashed inside and picked up an exam paper.
I scribbled answers as quickly as possible, knowing that seconds counted. I actually know my stuff for this class, so I knew most of the answers and didn't have to skip any. Toward the end, I ran out of time, but I had answered the vast majority of questions. Even if my answers were messy, I feel fairly confident about most of them.
Moral of the story: set multiple alarms and make sure they'll wake you up.
Outlawedspank: ops face as he gets a F because his handwriting could not be read
dcwj: Got our mark back today, I got a B. Booyah.
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1383074960 | 1383078721 | null | t5_2to41 | 36 | AmIKrumpingNow: TIFU by fisting my new neighbor's hot tea.
I live on the third/fourth (four in front, three in back, it's on a slant) floor of an apartment complex with no elevator, and laundry room on the first floor.
The apartment next to ours was being remodeled and now finished, the new renter is moving in today. They have heavy accents (the woman was wearing a head scarf, I have no idea where nationality/ethnicity they are though). Anyway, on my way out to buy batteries for my xbox controller I said hello, gave a smile and nod, etc, etc.
I shuffled awkwardly past their dozen or so suitcases on my way back only to realize in two or three minutes I had to go right back down stairs to put the laundry I started into the dryer.
I shuffle again past their luggage (now just a woman and a friend/husband), when I get to the stairs, I realize he is blocking them by sitting down sideways on them, I turn sideways at the same time he stands up so I new an awkward game of chicken was incoming. I go to put my hand on the railing to establish which side I was going down, except I was holding a dollar in quarters so had a closed fist- bam- straight into a cup of tea they had set on the railing. I stabled the tea cup and while repeating "sorry sorry sorry" over and over, then dashed downstairs to change my laundry and returned by the back staircase.
No burns, but it was pretty hot.
ThePlayfulPython: This is one of the better TIFU titles I've seen in a while.
AmIKrumpingNow: Thank you! Sometimes, poetry strikes.
| 3 | 12 | |
1383076480 | 1383166273 | null | t5_2to41 | 48 | squeezy_bob: TIFU by shitting myself while sleeping, twice.
This happened about a month ago, but it took me some time to get over the shame.
Anyway, it was about 22PM on a saturday night and i felt like i had to take a shit. I, however, didn't feel for it and decided that i could take a morning shit instead.
I brushed my teeth & laid down beside my girlfriend. For once i was the little spoon, which i enjoyed quite well.
Anyway, halfway through the night, i woke up & felt that something wasn't quite right, too tired to care, i slept in again though. After about 2 more of these small "half-asleep-wakeups" I wanted to scratch my asshole, which resulted in some cold goo being pressed closer to my butthole.
At this point i excused myself to my girlfriend and went to the bathroom, there i examined the pile of shit that had accumulated in my underwear. It wasn't that large, more like a breaking stretch actually. But more was to come, I took a piece of toilet paper and examined my butthole. There i found a piece of shit. I tried to pull it out from between my cheeks, but it was stuck hard in my crackbeard.
After some painfull pulling, i pulled the half-dried piece of shit out from between my buttcheeks with a fair bit of my crackbeard still attached, ouch. I cleaned myself the best i could and went back to my room where my girlfriend laughed her ass of when i told her. Ashamed as i was i went back to sleep and didn't think much of it until 4 days later, when i shit myself in my sleep, again..
The difference this time was though, that i immediately recognized that i shat myself, and went to the bathroom at once. Because i was so smart to do so, the shit hadn't dried, and i could clean it with toilet paper and a shower. (if requested, i have pics of my shitty underwear)
When i came back to my room, my girlfriend laughed at me again, and she still does occasionally.
Moral of the story: Don't go to sleep when you have the urge to shit.
**TL;dr: shat myself twice because i was to lazy to shit.**
mel_from_accounting: We do not want pics of your shitty underwear.
[deleted]: Ahem: YOU do not want pics of his shitty underwear.
squeezy_bob: OP delivered
http://imgur.com/LGnFNW8
**EDIT: NSFW / NSFL**
Cuntmuncher69: Yumm..
| 5 | 9.6 | |
1383144971 | 1383160366 | t3_1pi436 | t5_2to41 | 13 | zalloy: Actually, you're probably getting downvoted because you used this:
>OMG!
Lots of Redditors don't care for the usage of text-speak or chan-speak, and they tend to make it known in the form of downvotes. When posting, it is best to use proper English. That way, everyone knows exactly what you're trying to say, and your point doesn't get lost in a string of acronyms that makes you wind up sounding like a teenager from 4Chan.
Acronyms and abbreviations are OK if you're sending a text message to a friend. It's not the same thing as posting on Reddit, or other forums.
Source: It happened to me before.
potentialares: Probably also the edit referring to her being downvoted. Makes people so much more likely to downvote the annoying person complaining about downvotes
zalloy: You're right. That usually doesn't help. The only thing complaining about downvotes does is bring more downvotes.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1383093018 | 1383433059 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | [deleted]: TIFU by pooping in a hotel
some details:
this would be actually six-ish years ago while i was a sophomore in high school in new york city.
my brother, our friend, our cousin from oregon(female) and a female friend my age went to nyc to show then around since we were from ny except my cousin. we had a hotel room for two nights. no parents and was summer time.
let the story begin.
Day 1:
we spent the first day on canal street (china town) shopping and buying random things and ended up going towards times square. i bought these green new balance shoes since for about $45 dollars to replace my beat up black ones. at night, we went back to the hotel and drank together. i went to a lot of parties but never really drank liquor only cheap beer since i was only a sophomore in high school. so my brother poured us all shots and to show off, i downed my first shot as soon as it was poured thinking i wouldnt have to do any more. turns out, they wanted to do a "cheers" and i had to take another. my stomach was already heated. so i patiently waited to take the next shot. as soon as it went down, i grabbed a sandwich that was close by and scarfed it down. i took about two more shots and that was it (mega-lightweight i know, and still am). the night proceeded with us hitting the town drunk. when we got back to the hotel, i knew i would need to use the shit as i always do when having alcohol but it would be too obvious if i was in there too long so i decided to shower before bed as a coverup for the time. so i sit on the toilet after turning on the water.... but i was constipated. so i just showered and headed to bed after setting an alarm to get up earlier than everyone to use the bathroom.
Day 2:
woke up as planed and headed for the bathroom, but was still constipated. now, im not so worried about the stomachaches, so just get dressed and wear new shoes. everyone heads out to grab the car from the parking garage except my brother and my female friend. it was his chance for a hookup, which semi bothered me since it was my friend, but it wasnt a big deal. so while we were out my stomach started hurting again. while heading back to the hotel, i didnt care about them knowing i was going to take a long shit. walking towards the room, all the stuff was outside and right when we walk up the door shuts and my brother said they already returned the keys. no biggie, ill just use the bathrooms that arent in rooms. so while bringing things downstairs i keep an eye open for bathrooms; i see a couple. problem solved and ill hit them up after the stuff is downstairs.
Incident:
*fast forward* head back up after to go to those bathrooms. get on elevator and head to floor i saw a bathroom. asked the maids where it was and power walked in that direction now that it was prairie-dogging it (rat race reference). get to the bathroom, door. locked. wait, what? why was it locked? no time. turn back and find the maid. paraphrase: "hey, i need to use the bathroom. my brother just returned the key cards. can you please unlock it?" she says no. it was against policy. fuck. the desperate man i was, i thought to just shit in the stairwell and wipe with my boxers so i almost run there. when i arrive, my morals kick in and i know it was too desperate. so i go back out to beg the maid. the walking farts have kicked in 100% from 50% of steps and begin the sweating. can barely hold my butthole closed. then, mid-stride. shit shoots out of my butt probably as enough to fill a workout shaker bottle. now, boxers completely soaked in diarrhea, down my inner right thigh all the way onto my new green new balances and a nice circular pile on the floor. run up to the maid, hey, now its an emergency. she probably smelled the poop and opened it for me. i had the kind of shit where as soon ass (pun) you sit down the full load shoots out. now that it was over, everythings cool right? wrong. my whole outfit was shit stained and my clothes are downstairs (probably 4 flights down). call my brother in a panic and beg him to bring my bookbag up with my clothes and say its an emergency. being the asshole he is, says no and hangs up twice. furious, i call again and finally he reluctantly agrees. wait and hear a knock. open it up and it was my female cousin, who may or may not realize the situation, hands me my bag. i change after wiping myself down. as i head out of the bathroom, i see a huddled group of three housekeepers (2 maids and 1 male). slowly walk past them and make eye contact before realizing their standing right over my shit pile. i can see she was hiding her smile. as i walked away, i died inside. as low as she tried to whisper... i heard the gossip about me and the snickers. i will never forget their faces.
head outside with my bookbag full of my shit clothes and shoes that were sprayed with cologne. no one said a thing and nothing was out of ordinary. except for me. a little more quiet than usual. they thought maybe i was sick or something, but no; just ashamed of myself.
tl;dr-- drank at night, next morning couldnt shit. left hotel, came back. they checked out. couldnt use bathroom. shit my pants in the hallway all over myself then in the bathroom and had the longest ~30 yard walk of shame past the custodians that saw me.
Rectumwarts00: sorry for the long post. almost traumatic experience for me and wanted to let it out.
thisisntben: Let it out.
*snigger*
SneerfulWizard: Is that a racial slur, or did you mean snicker?
| 4 | 7.25 | |
1383097314 | 1383224949 | null | t5_2to41 | 189 | boastful_cunt_monk: TIFU by trying to use the squat position when pooping.
So im sitting on the toilet minding my own business when I remember that squatting when taking a shit helps it move a bit easier. So I promptly lift my butt off the toilet seat to ease my "movements", when out of nowhere my bowels decide to switch from a solid turd to diarrhea. I quickly turn around to learn I've painted a brown and green streaked Picasso on my toilet seat and bowl.
TLDR: my asshole is an asshole
sonOFmatthew: You could just place a small stool under your feet.
barnacledoor: Why the hell would he do that? He already got stool all over his toilet seat and now you want him to shit on the floor too?
afuckingdoorknocker: He needs to dig a hole outside and start from scratch
| 4 | 47.25 | |
1383113187 | 1383115228 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | DavisWavis: TIFU by fapping
I forgot to lock the door :'(
Radioactive_Nord: Can you add a TL;DR?
DavisWavis: TL;DR: found by roommate :O
| 3 | 1 | |
1383038321 | 1383163933 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to be a viking
This happened approximately 2 weeks ago, but it only hit me today as I was browsing TIFU that it was a fuck up. TL;DR at the bottom as it's not an exciting TIFU story sorry.
I'm a goalkeeper (football/soccer) and I had training in 30mins and my brother asked me to cut some chicken up for dinner just before I went out to train, normally i'd be a dick and just leave but today I decided I would help out (kind of wish I hadn't now).
So I sharpen the knife and start slicing away cutting it up bit by bit, as I cut away I get ahead of myself and start thinking i'm a master chef and the best cook in the world, i'm quite the opposite.
As i'm about to finish I get a blood rush to the head that i'm a viking and so I stab the knife down into the wooden board. Resulting in my fingers sliding down the blade from all the chicken grease.
End Result: cut the tendon in my pinky finger that required 1hour and 30mins of surgery.
How I FU? Remember I said I was a goalkeeper? Well i'm pretty bloody good at it and in the next couple of months I had an Under 19's National Tournament (scouts would be present), trials for a Semi-Pro National League club, trials in England for professional contracts, trials for my Under 20's National Team and trials for an Amercian Sports Scholarship. All this down the drain. This is in New Zealand. Don't know where that is? Think of it as Australia's younger, cooler brother.
**TL;DR** TIFU by cutting a tendon in my finger that would end 5 career changing opportunities keeping me out of sport for up to 3-4 months.
**Photos** Slightly NSFW and Small Gore.
[The cut before and after surgery] (http://imgur.com/a/NmJhi)
Edit: spelling
Scubasteve913: Should have just told them to cut it off! Would have saved those career changing opportunities, that is, as long as you wouldn't mind having 4 fingers?
[deleted]: I said the same thing.
Scubasteve913: Did the doctor refuse?
[deleted]: Said that I would need my pinky and it was more effort in paperwork to get it cut off haha
Scubasteve913: Fair enough, well I hope your pinky heals up nicely. Do you think you'll have another chance at any of those opportunities?
[deleted]: Hopefully,I can re apply/go for the College Scholarship again once fit. But it's the 3-4 month break that's hard to change. Such as fitness levels and losing your spot to others as they pick squads in the the time i'm out injured. So I have to come back and show i'm that little bit better than the current guys. Then have to re organise England/Europe flights and dates etc. More a pain in the ass, but close to ending it.
| 7 | 5.714286 | |
1383115842 | 1383224183 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,211 | ultrafilthy: TIFU by pooping in my hand at the office
So I'm at the office going on a usual mid week coffee bender which usually consists of three cups before lunch. I take my lunch break and have a smoke after. For those that don't smoke, drink coffee, or both, the coffee is the primer and the cig pulls the plug. So I go upstairs to the 26th floor where I work and head for the bathroom. Of course the cleaning lady has to be in there so I clench the cheeks for a good half hour. After she leaves I head in there and plop down ready to. As soon as the porcelain and skin make contact the door opens. I get the nervous poop syndrome so I immediately try to hold it all in till the co worker leaves. Trying my hardest, a bunch of loud farts start shooting at at rapid fire echoing off the bowl making it ten times louder. I'm talking 25 toots in 8 seconds. I lost my state of mind and jammed my hand in the bowl trying to cover my poop hole like its some sort of plausible option and I can stop the gas leak. wrong. The deuce shot out. Blasted my hand and I almost puked.
Waited for the co worker to leave. Used about a roll of toilet paper, walked to my desk. pokerface.jpg. act like it never happened.
tl;dr thought my butt hole could be pluged like putting your thumb over a tiny hole in a garden hose.
Arsenault185: For all you poop shy people - JUST FUCKING POOP. Everyone does it, no one give a shit that you're shitting. Never in my life have I heard someone bust ass in a stall, and thought, "Huh, I wonder who that could be". Just take your dump, and move on with life. Don't be Fucking nasty like OP and shit on your hand to hold your poop in. I mean what the fuck.
EDIT: And in true reddit fashion, my highest rated comment is of course about poop.
barnacledoor: "Oh my god! Who can be so disgusting as to take a shit in the bathroom?!?!?! What a horrid person!"
Moebiuzz: "Better shit my hand"
JedLeland: "A shit in the hand is worth two in the bush."
LaLaBKS: Please don't shit on my bush.
idontknowcats: Scat porn don't do it for ya?
givethezombiespizza: I'm the Scatman!
[deleted]: Ski-ba-do-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-da!
afuckingdoorknocker: Welcome to scatman's world..
| 10 | 221.1 | |
1383134993 | 1383169452 | null | t5_2to41 | 83 | stopstaringatmeswan4: TIFU by not wearing gardening gloves.
I don't have a front lawn, I have a small rock garden in between my house and the sidewalk. We threw some random seed mixes into it to make it look nicer, as we don't actually like the rock garden.
The past couple of nights have been cold enough for frost, and all the plants were wilting so I went outside to clear all of the dying plants out of the garden.
I didn't put gloves on, as the plants were not thorny, and they were dying, so there was no difficulty grabbing and pulling.
I got to [this](http://i.imgur.com/E2ew7D3.jpg) plant. I reached down to grab the base of the plant and my hands closed around a chunk of mud...
Except that it is dry outside, why is there a clump of mud here?
Then the smell hits me. Dogshit. Some dog shit on top of the plant, and it fell through to the base, and I walked right up and grabbed 2 big fistfuls of that shit.
Now both my hands are covered in shit, my hose has already been put away, and there's no one else home to let me in.
I had to open 3 doors to reach the bathroom, plus turn on the tap. It took me almost an hour of cleaning to feel that my trail of dogshit through the house was properly sanitized after that.
**Tl;dr** I got the poo on me.
MacRadical: Shit happens.
crocodile_in_denial: Shit crappens.
| 3 | 27.666667 | |
1383142330 | 1383235139 | null | t5_2to41 | 491 | django_rechained_: TIFU by bullying a cripple
Let's make one thing clear. I saw my opportunity, and I took it. I have a friend who recently broke his leg playing baseball (a rather valiant way to break a leg, if you ask him) and I help him get around when I'm with him. We were taking an SAT prep course, so I help him get situated and wait with him for other kids or a teacher to come. I can't remember why, but I walked away from the table at one point.
As I walked back to the table, I see his backpack sitting on the table. "Go take his backpack, he can't chase you!" Good idea, right? Like I said earlier, I saw my opportunity, and I took it. I ran to the table where he was sitting, jumped on the table, and reached for it. As a glass half full guy, I would like to mention that I got the backpack.
That being said, I knew I had to get out of his range. I started to slide off the table, and only one of my feet hit the ground. The other foot missed, cause my leg to bend in such a way that my knee dislocated. As I hit the ground after hearing the "SNAP" that dislocating your knee makes, I remember two things.
1. Seeing my friend laugh as I fell
2. Losing grip of the backpack. It fell on my face.
In the ER, got my knee reset an hour ago (it took 20 minutes). I will be on crutches for a while, but I won't live this down for a long, long time.
mustangwolf1997: As someone who has dislocated a bone before, and therefore knows that it hurts about ten times worse than a break, I will simply say...
You fucking deserved it.
django_rechained_: THE PAIN IS RIDICULOUS.
mustangwolf1997: I know. I've had it happen. And you deserve it.
FleetingFox: Teasing your friends deserves extreme physical pain?
SirZombie: Apparently. He has probably never had a good friend that he teased.
spankthepunkpink: the internet is full of assholes, see I just found one!
SirZombie: Not being an asshole, just being truthful. Mustang obviously doesn't understand the concept of teasing your friends.
| 8 | 61.375 | |
1383126287 | 1383231240 | null | t5_2to41 | 48 | negroewebster: TIFU by getting drunk at a super religious wedding
Long read but multiple fuck ups.
So I get asked to bartend this wedding with a friend. I think fuck it and say yeah me and my best bud will do it. My friend says, "yeah I've bartended at a wedding before it's great you can get drunk with everyone and everyone loves it". My friend is my best mate, and brings the super retard idiot out in me. The day before I had just finished my final huge exams for my degree, and wanted to blow off some steam.
So we rock up at this bartending gig, I've never done it before. Say hi to everyone, and the dad running the show is a bit of a dick to me and my friend. Apparently he's a pretty straight edge guy, but these older dudes love to smash scotch. Still quite religious and serious. So we get working and have a few sneaky beverages here and there. We're having loads of fun and the people invited are enjoying our antics and stuff. Talk heaps with all these people, a few being my parent's friends and stuff. Anyways, we start getting tipsy, but we're a good team and killing it as it gets real busy. The older guys are loving it, but we're getting pretty drunk. We're super fun and the party is clearly at the bar. The girl notices and is judging me hard as I ask her what drink she wants and she rudely replies "Um, I don't even drink". (You know it that super arrogant way)
Anyways we peak a bit too early and things start going downhill. It's noticeable how tipsy we are, and the dad tells me off. I'm like fuck that guy. So we throw down a few more drinks. By now we're trashed, but I can act classy and hold my shit together. My friend however cannot. He's got those real drunk eyes cranking and people are noticing how fucked we are. Start messing up drinks and stuff. Then my mate drops a whole unopened bottle of vodka without realising. I try clean it up and I drop a huge chunk of glass making it worse. Someone gets us food and I end up destroying my dad's shirt with it.
So in our hammered state we think it'll be genius to stash a bottle or 2 in the garden out back to nick at the end. Just to clarify I'm not ever such a scumbag, but in our drunken state this seemed pretty genious. Then we start cleaning up and stuff. I'm feeling pretty bad so I help out pretty well and hide my drunkness. The older guys organising are happy. However my friend is absolutely fucked at this point and gets caught stealing a bottle. I rescue him and somehow talk my way out of it. Eventually I get our dosh and my friend's dad picks us up. My friend even tells him to "prime the car as we stole shit". We get away and celebrate our victory.
The ultimate fuck up? Me sending a picture bragging of stealing shit to everyone on my snapchat. Including the girl who got me the job. FUCK
**TLDR:** Got trashed while getting paid at a wedding for some religious people, ruined my dad's shirt, stole shit and then sent a picture to the chick organising it about the whole ordeal.
sriracha_pickle_stix: You may feel like a dick now, but some time from now you will look back on this and will have no regrets (unless you already don't).
Sounds like an awesome time.
negroewebster: Definitely an awesome night with a sick story. However the aftermath of the fuck ups are still rolling in.
sriracha_pickle_stix: Care to elaborate/update?
negroewebster: Haha so far just run into people from the night giving looks of disgust and telling me how terrible my actions were. People clearly need to ease the fuck up
sriracha_pickle_stix: I love how your bro /u/ontimebrah put you on blast
| 6 | 8 | |
1383150561 | 1383156981 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | cheezpuffs: TIFU by throwing a frisbee
Earlier today we were looking at post-16 options for after we leave school and finish our GSCE's, we were looking at stalls with people and they would tell us stuff about colleges, universities and subject-specific things, which the whole thing took around 2 hours to get through. The people also handed out small free goodies (such as pens, rulers, pencils, and even little fluffy things with googly eyes), when you went up to them for their info. they also handed out frisbees, just simple, generic fabric-y frisbees, in which most people had one, and was having overall fun throwing them into the air and stuff. I decided to borrow my friends frisbee by just throwing it into the air. Was the outcome good?
No
What happened is that it hit one of my friends plain in her eyes, and she looked like she was gonna cry.
So I go up to her and apologise, since that's what good people do, right? I ask her if she's ok, there's a teacher with her, trying to help her, and before I get a chance she's complaining she's "Getting dizzy"
***SHIT***
Before long, she's say down on a chair with fucking doctors / teachers around her, in the middle of the hall, the worst place you want an apparently injured person to be. Everyone knew it was me, and I got stares which could turn men to stone. Since it was the end of the day, we all got to go, and I now feel like shit, I don't even know if she's ok now.
TL;DR: threw a goodie frisbee into the air, missed, and potentially injured a girl.
kuavi: She had to sit down because she got hit by a frisbee? Seriously?
[deleted]: Apparently, she complained she was getting dizzy, so I'm either a great thrower, a bad thrower, or she's fucking weak as hell, I still feel bad though .-.
SquishMitt3n: I wouldn't even worry. I've been cracked in the skull by rocks and people just laugh. But when a girl gets hit by a fabric Crosby all bell breaks loose.
Edit: it's staying that way.
| 4 | 4 | |
1383095771 | 1383171543 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | Al_Simmons: TIFU by reversing my car out of the garage
I make music in my home studio, and at times I tend to down a few drinks, though this night I downed a few to many.
I woke up the next day hungover as shit, the clock said 9am, I was supposed to start work at 9, so my alarm didn't go off. In a panic I jumped out of bed quickly, and threw the nearest set of clothes on.
I recently bought a decent car that cost me 11k, and in my shit somewhat asleep state, as I was reversing out of the garage I misjudged and scraped the side of my car on the brick pillars scratching a shit load of paint off the side panels of my car.
God damn it.
mark0210: If the scratch isn't too deep, could be a cheap fix. Plus, at least you did it to your own car and not someone else's.
Al_Simmons: It was $300 for a backyard job off someone I know. The guy is a qualified panel beater though.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1383165547 | 1383227340 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,679 | [deleted]: TIFU by having sex with my cousin
VascoTheGamer: Doesn't matter, had sex. Some people would be glad bout that
Fgmaniac: I know, it's great to feel you're back inside your dad's side of the family,
By quite literally being inside your dad's side of the family!
[deleted]: I told that one to my cousin and she couldn't help from laughing. It's weird me and her are so alike.
OddlyStrangeMan: I feel a romance brewing.....
Petite_Larceny: Maeby?
casenozero: So we're not *really* cousins?
LizjaimeS: "So, you have your cousins, and then you have your first cousins, and then you have your second cousins... "
casenozero: No, sweetie, that's not right. ...that is ***so*** not right.
ExpertCrafter: Whatever... Hey Seth!
| 10 | 267.9 | |
1383168038 | 1383176187 | null | t5_2to41 | 51 | [deleted]: TIFU: by treating my girlfriend like a princess
(over the past 10 months) I have apparently fucked up royally.
Sorry, wall-o-text, skip to paragraph 7 to elimate background story.
Context: My gf and I have known each other for the better part of 10 years. We initally met because I was dating her, lets call her Beth, best friend and when the ex, Sarah, and I went to visit her parents, we ended up hanging out with Beth. Well as time went on, Sarah cheated on me a bunch of times blah blah blah, we break up obviously. Beth and I keep in pretty constant contact via social media and few 'hey how's life' text messages here and there. We know a lot of the same people but are seperated geographically by a thousand miles or so, so we never really hang out in person.
Well, I had always had a little crush on Beth so whenever I would see she wasnt dating anyone I would jump on the opportunity to try and arrange a meeting or hangout if possible. We come pretty close on a couple occasion and toy with the idea that we would hit it off and would be really happy together, etc etc. Never happens, things stay 80% plutonic with a chance of make-out. It always seems that when she was single, I wasnt, and vice versa. By the time we accidentally end up in the same town we are both seeing someone on a long term basis. We talk semi-regularly but still cant manage to meet up, mostly because she is a live in nanny and when she isnt there she is with her boyfriend (reason for moving here) of 3 years and my girlfriend and I are constantly at each other's throats putting me in a perma-bad mood.
One day, Beth invites me and a friend over for a house warming party...I show up, we hit it off, im twitterpated, but keep a distance so not to be a douche bag hitting on someone else's girlfriend, not to mention I have a gf and im not a piece of shit. Everything goes well, she seems amazing, I keep waaaay back so not to accidentally act on hormones and envelop myself in drama.
Fast forward: I deploy for the military for 8 months, somewhere in the middle Beth and her bf move out of town, she tells me how much she hated it here blah blah. We talk off and on for awhile.
Faster forward: I come back, hangout for a year or so. Eventually, my gf and I break it off (long story). A few months go by and one night im sitting in front of my computer after coming home from a night of drinking, I see her post a distressed 'bf and i just broke up...hes a complete scumbag' post on facebook. I deliberate the capt save-a-ho move and op not to act. After about a week I send her a harmless "hey hows everything going, just wanted to check up on you' type message....we start talking frequently....very frequently.
Push comes to shove...after a few months of talking, we decide to finally give us a shot. She is in deep financial crisis because her ex screwed her by up and leaving on their lease and all the shared bills. Im hesitant because it sounds like a boat load of drama...but im dumb, so i offer for her to move to my town, move in, and see if we work out...with the disclaimer that if it starts getting weird, we disengage and do friends again until she gets on her feet then does her own thing. I completly sanity check her a few times so we are on the same page.
She comes down, moves in, things are great. We hit it off, function well as a couple...nothing is weird, etc. I treat this girl like a fucking princess...take her out to dinner, buy her flowers at work, pay attention to her, open car doors, take her to disney land (her favorite place), you name it...i was the perfect boyfriend to this girl. I can tell she reaaaally appreciates how well i treat her and CONSTANTLY remarks how she's always been the one making more money that her SO and having to take care of them.
Because she is a professional pre-school teacher (who doest get paid crap), and is already in a heap of debt from past stuff, i end up fronting a lot of cash to go out and do stuff. I pay rent, all bills, groceries, you name it. Im not poor by any means, but it starts to take its toll when I want to blow some money on myself and realize I am seeing less and less of my paychecks go to the 'fuck off fund.' She attempts to chip in when she can, but because I TOLD her i would be covering for the first few months, I am not overly concerned with paying for stuff...she doesnt eat that much, and we dont blow tooooo much on entertainment.
Well...fast forward 6 months, she still isnt helping with bills, my roomate and I are splitting 50/50, he doesnt seem to mind, but in my head Beth has made little to no effort to start chipping in. I ask her how her bill situation is coming and she tells me that she has not only paid off her prior commitments, but made serious headway on her credit card bills and was making double payments on her car, but she still hasnt saved a single penny towards a 'disaster situation' or any cushion to save her from getting there again....i start harboring minor resentment.
I begin passive-aggressively 'making' her help out. I stop doing dishes, laundry, and cooking every night in hopes she will pick it up out of gratitude for having a practically free ride on my dollar. She does for the most part. But thennnnnn:
She starts badgering me constantly to clean up after myself: totally understandable...i did go a little overboard for a bit. So I do that...Then, i start coming home from work and asking if she had dinner ideas or if she was making anything...she retorts "why do i have to cook, what do i get if i do that?" mind you, this was 1-2 times a week...not every night.
I come home: "why is your uniform on the floor?" "I do everything around here, you just come home, make a mess, then do homework and go to bed"
BITCH, i pay the bills, work 80+ hours a week, pay 40-50% of YOUR bills, and let you live rent free and have for almost 10 months, come home and do the 'man work' fixing shit or building furniture, etc. I get preturbed, start casually mentioning she needs to pay her share...maybe that will fix it if we are on an even monetary playing field.
Here's where the shit starts: she starts paying rent, the first week of this I am hounded constantly to do housework. She frequently makes comments to the effect of "what do i get if i do _____" when i ask for dinner once or twice a week instead of having to cook for both of us constantly then do the dishes...then she starts washing only her clothes, because 'im not helping enough.' THEN she starts asking me to front her cash for bigger purchases and she will pay me back...which she does, slowly. I front the money for her to get a new cat since she couldnt move hers when she came out...$500 bucks, no mention of gratitude...she acts like it was expected I help her do that.
I realize at this point I am holding onto a lot of resentment because she is acting like a spoiled child since i did everything for her for our entire relationship....and i dont feel at all that she appreciates what i did or how much it did actually affect me. I felt like I did so much, and was only looking to feel like it was appreciated...the money wasnt the issue, the fact that I am now 'expected' to fund whatever she wants or pay for everything is...because I know its my fault for not setting a boundary to begin with.
So now, I am bordering on breaking it off, because I feel so overwhelmed that someone i catered to for so long is acting like im her personal fucking ATM. Dont get me wrong...she is faithful, caring, and very loving...in the 'her and i' portion of the relationship...but outside of that its like she keeps a tally of things she's done and if she's one up...she makes sure I know 'i owe her' something. Being the dominant one in the relationship I am getting sick of feeling completely relied upon for everything, providing financially, then not being 'taken care of' when i come home after working a day twice as long as her, its not like i dont come home and take care of things when i can, but fuck....maybe im not grown up enough to be the 'patriarch' of my household and have someone so codependent rely so much on me. She has told me before, she would be homeless (or have to move home) without me, and that if we ever broke up she was fucked but does very little to ensure 'i stick around'
This morning I exploded and said "What in the fuck is it you think i owe you???" after I asked her to make extra of what she was already making for breakfast...then being told 'well then you have to do the dishes since i cooked' and stormed out...like the grown adult I am (yank) and have yet to deal with the repercussions.
How I feel? Taken advantage of...long story short gents...dont give 100% right off the bat...you will make them think thats what they get forever and that they get to be lazy and contribute less to a relationship. The things ive done dont mean as much anymore, the things that impressed her are now a point of contention "you train jiu jitsu every night...why arent you a black belt yet" "how come your rally car STILL doesnt work, youve been dumping money into it for months" etc...Im baffled and at a loss for what I want to do. We are already so intertwined (co-bills on a couple things, shared phone bill, she going to stay with my parents in a few months when i move across teh country for 6 months to attend a military training) and a clean break isnt an option...but i cant continue like this.
tl;dr: too nice (in my opinion), gf thinks im an ATM and i 'owe' her stuff for doing the dishes after paying for everything for her for almost 10 months.
cookiemonster87: ok i'll say it... you both sound like idiots. jesus.
I_jus_lurk_here: ill agree to a point, its a lot more subtle than the context makes it seem...but yeah, sometimes i feel im trying wwaaaay to hard, then it settles for a good while, then that and shes acting like a child, then completly vice versa
actually kind of refreshing to hear from an outside perspective...oddly enough.
| 3 | 17 | |
1383178339 | 1383301620 | null | t5_2to41 | 86 | clubswithseals: tifu by drinking too much water
feeling thirsty and what not. go to take a sip of some h20 out the mini fridge before class, take a big ol' swig. Shit tits that aint no water, that's some orange vodka
mfw I just chugged 4 shots right before class
edit: fun fact I just started on a new ssri (anti depressant) which specifically calls for no alcohol consumption, as you will get 2x as fucked up from the same amount
CirqueKid: You're the one that swallowed after you tasted the difference...
rockinadios: It's not like they're going to waste it.
codymann88: Spit it into the bottle no one will know
| 4 | 21.5 | |
1383179802 | 1383246713 | null | t5_2to41 | 84 | mooseman182: TIFU by reheating my hard boiled eggs.
So there I am. The fridge door is open and my stomach is growling. "I want to eat something with substance, but I don't want to invest any time into cooking it" I said to myself. "OH SWEET! There's a hard boiled egg, but its cold. I hate cold things that are supposed to be warm. Lets just throw it into the microwave for a minute!"
So the eggs in the microwave and since I've never done it before I take it out when I think its ready.
Seemed warm enough to me so I peeled off the shell and got ready to dive into this warm eggy delight of mine that I was holding in my hand. As soon as I bit into the egg, all shit just broke lose and the thing LITERALLY exploded in my mouth. and when I say exploded Im talking like high pressure, heat, flying lava egg pieces everywhere. I was stunned and had no fricken idea what-the-fuck had just happened.
... Turns out its not ok to put hardboiled eggs with their shells on in the microwave because pressure will build up in the shell and then blow up in your face...
tldr: This happened when I took tried to take a bite.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcAuVsX3dTg
(Random video I found on youtube)
castlite: But...hard boiled eggs are supposed to be eaten cold...
mooseman182: Really? I've been doing it wrong this whole time.
FaKeShAdOw: He's wrong.
If you're Chinese, then you eat your hardboiled eggs not only hot, but with delicate turtleshell tea patterns boiled into the whites.
bigboneramone: *dogs hearts
FaKeShAdOw: **braised snakes and chicken feet
(Those are pretty good, btw.)
bigboneramone: in communist china chicken feet eat you
| 7 | 12 | |
1383183552 | 1383376870 | null | t5_2to41 | 83 | thunderthighsboi: I shat the wall
Jamarcus911: Pics?
thunderthighsboi: r/WTF I shat the wall. It's there
afuckingdoorknocker: I can't find it, post link here?
haminacup: http://i.imgur.com/gxX4gvN.jpg
afuckingdoorknocker: That was 100x worse than I expected, and I expected alot
OceanRacoon: I think what a person expects from that picture says a lot about them. I myself was expecting some sort of shotgun headshot-esque explosive poo splatter halfway up the wall, which in retrospect is extremely unrealistic.
afuckingdoorknocker: That's what I was thinking, and I'm somehow surprised that I was more shocked by what it actually was
| 8 | 10.375 | |
1383187799 | 1383237154 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | Tarblz: TIFU by causing a student to withdraw
I'm a grader for a class at my college. In the last few weeks we have been grading the second project in the class and I have been pretty hard on students who didn't follow directions or whose programs crashed/didn't give any output.
Yesterday I was told that I may have been too harsh on some of my grading, as most graders still give above a 50 if the program is non-functional but compiles (ie: half credit is just giving something that compiles), I had been handing out scores that were ... less than that for programs that did not function or did not follow the directions (or produce any output I could grade). I was told to regrade my section so that the class grades would be more consistent.
It was going fine, with most students getting anywhere from 20% to 40% gains depending on how much work I had to do to get their programs working. That was until I reached one student who I had met in person. I couldn't find their grade in the online gradebook at which point I realized that they had dropped the class.
Someone who had done well on the previous assignments had dropped a class, messed up their scholarship (or lost $300) and will be forced to retake this course. All because I was being a hard ass with my grading. I'm really not sure what to do about this, the add/drop date is nearly a week gone and I don't know what, if anything, that I can or should do.
inevitabled34th: Another reason why enlisting is better than college...you don't deal with this shit.
Skyline969: No, but you do risk being shot in the head, blown up, that sort of thing. No thanks, I'll go to college instead of being another military dog.
inevitabled34th: I don't know where you get your information about the military, but that's completely not true. Over 80% of military jobs never see combat. And think about it, you could actually learn a skill that you could do for a living after you get out. You do 4 years, learn a skill and get hands on training for that skill, get out, go to college (completely paid for), get a degree in "said" skill, then post on your resume your bachelor's/master's/doctorate's degree in "said" skill *as well as* your training in the military. Who do you think an employer is more likely to hire? Someone who *just* has the degree, or someone who has the degree *and* 4 years experience.
Edit: Added a few words.
Skyline969: Why would I want to go through PT, have a bunch of old men scream in my face for hours every day and break me down so they can "build me up", just so I can follow a strict set of guidelines and eventually have my college education paid for in the end?
No thanks, I'd rather learn a skill myself (I did, through self-employment and training), go to college myself (I did), and then get a job with my training and experience (I did). No thanks to the military.
inevitabled34th: Most of them aren't old (late 20's to early 30's), but I guess it depends on your definition of 'old'. The reason they yell at you is to make sure that you're military worthy. If you can keep up with everyone else and to make sure that when you graduate basic, that you'll be able to do everything they taught you if the time came. Military life is really laid back after that. I mean, yeah, you still have shit to do and stuff you got to clean, but it's not up-your-ass, tough-as-nails 24/7/365(6).
Skyline969: And what if you'd prefer to skip the getting yelled at and being "taught" to obey?
inevitabled34th: Okay you win. I don't want to argue today. I just want to have a good day today. :-)
| 8 | 2.625 | |
1383189602 | 1383248959 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally flirting with the waitress on a date with my girlfriend
FUCK. What the hell was I thinking? Yes, she was mucho attractive, but for the record, *she* flirted with *me* first, and I know it was just a ruse to get a bigger tip out of me. Bloody hell.
It just so happens my girlfriend and I are going through a rough patch (been dating 5 years, first and only gf), and almost broke up a week or so ago over something that's probably worth another post, but stuck through. I've never cheated or even so much as looked at another girl (okay, maybe not entirely true, but only looks - I promise) since I've been with my current gf, but hell, all it takes is one little one liner and the night is completely ruined. One little mistake and bam, done. No words, no conversation, just brick wall mode the rest of the night and apparently the next day too. Looks like I'll be in the doghouse the rest of the week. I don't blame her, though. I just fucked that night completely up.
Edit: Everyone is dying for the details, so here goes: This waitress kept saying things like, "You're lucky to have someone polite like this guy," because I took my girlfriend's coat for her, ordered for her and when I asked for extra sauce, the waitress jokingly scoffed, said no, and gave this stupid face. I laughed probably a bit too hard for what she did (looking back, I totally thought it was flirting, but I'm not so sure now). I ordered a couple of extra side items along with her meal and asked for them to be brought out before the meal, kind of as appetizers. She kept forgetting things, like the extra stuff I ordered and to refill our cups. She'd come by and say she was waiting on the kitchen to finish with the appetizers and whatnot, apologizing profusely. She came back with our meals, fresh drinks, the side items, and an extra appetizer that we didn't order (and she wound up making all of the extra stuff free since it wasn't brought out before our meal). I said, "C-C-Combo breaker!" (*cringe*), the waitress laughed really hard and I was immediately met by the look of death from my gf and she didn't talk to me the rest of the night.
Abomination822: That's it? Not sure if that counts as you flirting...
[deleted]: I agree. When did being playful and joking around with a server flirting? My girlfriend and I do this all the time when we are blessed with a fun server. My take is the girlfriend in this relationship is either projecting guilt on him, severely insecure (you cannot have a solid relationship if either member is very insecure) or there is more being withheld to this story either in their relationship problems or the actual events of this story. Either way her getting pissed over this is irrational.
| 3 | 10.666667 | |
1383171440 | 1383230583 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | CollegeFFFFF: TIFU by ordering fencing gear from Amazon.
I live in a dorm. Usually, I buy my stuff through Absolute Fencing, but I needed a practice saber...quick. I happened to have Prime, so I thought, "Hey, I can get this shipped to me quick and free!"
For some odd reason, my Prime orders get fucked up a lot. (I got a $60 mouse instead of a $10 textbook one time. Not complaining.) But never has it been of this caliber.
I went to the office to get my saber, because UPS said it arrived. Well, I go to get it and they tell me I can't have it because the box says "Sword" on it. I try to explain that a fencing saber isn't really a sword, but a dull, blunt thing that is only used with protective padding, not to mention we have a fencing class and team here. It's no worse than martial arts equipment.
They still insist it's a weapon, because the box says sword. So they go and get it and show me the box, which has a drawing of something like this on it: http://www.knife-depot.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/long-sword2.jpg and it says it's some sort of sword. I'm panicking at this point because holy shit, Amazon just sent me an actual weapon. You know, something that isn't allowed and could get me kicked out.
So I spend the next 30 minutes explaining that no, I did *not* order a sword, but a fencing saber. The order slip with it listed some sort of sword, not the saber. By this point, I'm probably looking suspicious because I am panicking so much. I go back and look at my Amazon purchase history. It says the saber was delivered. Apparently, the company also sells decorative swords, so the thing I got but I never actually saw except for the picture on the box was a blunt thing you hang on a wall, but I'm not going to try to explain this...because I don't want it. After 30 minutes of talking to an Amazon representative, they e-mail me a label with the item that I actually got and told me just to return it as a misordered item. Okay. They want me to take it back to UPS myself, but the office won't give me the box, obviously. So then I have to work out a pick-up thing there, which cost me money. I'm losing money over this fuck up. Thanks Amazon.
I'm quite sure the people at the desk think I am suspicious, but whatever. I'm glad I caught it early before they had some sort of person come and inspect the package or whatever. The guy at the office said they had set it aside because of the packaging.
Long story short: don't order fencing gear from Amazon if you live in a dorm. Or just don't live in a dorm and skip all the hassle. It'd been 100x easier to return the damn thing without the possibility of getting kicked out. [At least it wasn't this.](http://gizmodo.com/5933021/guy-gets-giant-assault-rifle-from-amazon-instead-of-tv)
tommymichael25: Wow. TIL. I didn't know dorms could do that, isn't that interfering with some sort of mail privacy law?
sporkisfaster: Depends on state/country but I don't know that they are and yeah it seems like there was a breach of mail privacy here.
I think dorms are allowed to search your living areas for any contraband but holding your property hostage without even confirming if it was indeed a form of contraband doesn't seem like something they can do.
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1383200109 | 1383352527 | null | t5_2to41 | 78 | gdshred95: TIFU by getting my car stolen
Today, I went surfing, and as some surfers know, you either bring your keys in the water in your wetsuit, or you toss em in a bush nearby, especially if they are the electronic type like mine. Now I know you think well thats dumb but after doing this hundreds of times in my many years of surfing I thought getting my car stolen would never actually happen.
So I go surf for two hours and have some of the most fun waves I've had in a long time. On my way back as stoked as can be my friend who I was with asks me, "gdshred95, where is your car?" I responded "shut up what are you talking about," do a double take, and see that my car is in fact gone. We call the police and go through the whole process of trying to trace our phones but unfortunately this guy was smarter than we thought and shut both of them off. After all this we are told that our case is of low priority but that they will be on the lookout. That sounded promising. Long story short all my valuables such as wallet and phone were in there and now I am waiting and hoping my car has not been taken to a chop shop, is still intact, and is found.
It is ironic how such a great day can end in a shitty way.
TLDR: Don't get your car stolen by trying to hide the keys nearby, car thief's aren't that dumb.
pixelated_fun: Man this sucks. Is it possible to have a non-fob key made for your car? When I got my last car before this one, I was given an electronic fob key along with a non fob for valets. That could go in a pocket in your wetsuit. An alternative would be to get one of those jogging capsules you can just bury discreetly by some landmark. I hope you get your car back!
gdshred95: Thanks for the kind words. I don't have one of those keys unfortunately, interesting that you mention that though cause someone I talked to in the parking lot mentioned he had that exact type of key just for surfing. My wetsuit actually has a bungee thing on it made just for keys but unfortunately I couldn't use it with my key.
voucher420: Un-lubed condoms for your key fob. Tie a knot in the end before bagging it up in another one. Carry a paper bag in your trunk for the wrappers & used ones or just do this at home on a second remote.
BeaverTag: This. Double rubber if you're worried.
| 5 | 15.6 | |
1383199764 | 1383250463 | null | t5_2to41 | 49 | i_amnotacanadian: TIFU and made my friend shoot himself.
2 of my friends and i are just chilling at Friend A’s garage.
Friend A and Friend B were playing ping pong since i couldn’t play, i was just sitting on the floor playing with Friend A’s BB gun, i was shooting at the wall, he doesn’t care; he does it all the time.
i was just shooting and then suddenly the gun doesn’t fire anymore. i reloaded the gun because i thought it was out, it still wouldn’t fire.
i asked Friend A whats wrong with it, he told me that i used up all the CO2.
he replaced the CO2 for me, and after he did he said to us “wanna see how powerful the CO2 is?” i was like “sure,” he pointed the gun at his wrist and pulled the trigger
right when he pulled the trigger, a thought came to me… “i swear i just loaded that gun with BBs…”
his wrist bled on his ping pong table, we bandaged the wound and he was back to playing ping pong
TL;DR
Friend shot himself with his BB gun, kinda my fault.
thisistheworstreason: I was disappointed that I clicked this and it didn't end in serious injury or death.
Then I realized--I'm a fucking *terrible* person.
potatoiam: I did the same. But I realIzed that I'm a terrible person long ago.
| 3 | 16.333333 | |
1383232088 | 1383286443 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,705 | andikinyon: TIFU by assuming that an "unbreakable" wineglass can be thrown on the ground at full force.
I am a server and we borrowed glasses from a local winery for a party of 50. We were in between courses and I was a bit bored.
I saw on the box of glasses that they claim to be "unbreakable" so if you knock it over, it will bounce and not break. So i lined a few up on the bar and played dominos.
This only satisfied me for a few minutes.
So I Took one in my hand and threw it on the floor.
I dont know what the fuck I was thinking.
It shattered, and louder then any glass shattering should sound.
Everyone in the party looked at me.
One gentleman saw the whole thing and told everyone what I was doing.
I was ridiculed. My boss yelled at me, I had to pay for the glass, and explain to the owner of the winery what happened.
I guess I got what I deserve for behaving like a child.
PeacePig: Reminds me of the time I allowed some guy to drop his truck (hydraulics) on my Nalgene bottle. Son of a bitch was crushed, but the dude felt bad and molded it back together with his freakishly strong hands.
Arsenault185: I remember when these "unbreakable" things first came out. My friend was bragging on it so hard so I asked if I could test it out. I grabbed it (empty) and threw it at the ground. Not even all that hard. A chunk broke right off the bottom.
OralObsession: If it broke like that it was probably a knock-off, not a real Nalgene. I've seen video of the genuine article being thrown off the roof of an apartment building, run over with a bulldozer, burned with a propane torch, and dipped in liquid nitrogen then smacked with a hammer. The lids broke in some of the tests but the bottles themselves were basically indestructible. This was on a CBC show called Street Cents. I couldn't find a copy of the segment on YouTube, unfortunately.
I had a knock-off that looked like the real thing but wasn't. It didn't survive when I accidentally dropped my backpack on top of it from shoulder height.
Arsenault185: I've also managed to break 2 authentic tungsten rings.
andikinyon: been there. and no one here (that believes me, that is) is surprised.
Arsenault185: I don't know how I do the things I do.
andikinyon: story of my life bro.
Arsenault185: Every conversation I have with my wife about why something happened ends with her saying the exact. Same. Thing. "You're really good at making life difficult."
I love that woman.
andikinyon: that was sweet as fuck.
| 10 | 170.5 | |
1383239657 | 1383330022 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | mister_anonymity: TIFU by eating a quarter pound of dark chocolate-covered almonds.
The same thing happened yesterday: I was browsing reddit or playing a computer game while munching on a few of these delicious things. I ate about half of them yesterday and the rest today. I'm never going to get in shape if I keep up this awful habit. Ugh!
skyhimonkey: Solution: When you're redditing don't have the bag, just pour yourself a small bowl and that's your limit
mister_anonymity: I'll try that. But first, I'll try to not buy junk food in the first place. :)
BlackSwanX: Actually.. it's better to have some on hand. If you set up yourself with the mindset that "I don't keep junk food in my house", you will end up turning that into "I don't keep junk food in my house, so I'd better eat all of this junk food that I just bought right now"
plus which it's not helping you develop impulse control when there's no temptation handy to practice with.
mister_anonymity: Good point.
BlackSwanX: Thank you. Now if you'll excuse me I'm feeling slightly nauseous because I just ate like 6 bags of skittles and 14 starbursts.
I REGRET NOTHING!
mister_anonymity: [Diabeetus](http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m6v6fk5gj01r87qre.jpg)
| 7 | 2.142857 | |
1383245052 | 1383296720 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | smat1124: TIFU while moving a china cabinet
I am a college student who works for a moving company part time. Today I was on a move and the lady had a very nice china cabinet. I took out all the china and wrapped it perfectly, next I started wrapping the cabinet with moving blankets. All seemed well and I got my partner to help me pick up the cabinet and move it. Well we pick it up and it tilts just a little bit and then we hear a loud crashing noise come from inside the cabinet...
Open up the cabinet and I forgot to take out the glass shelves. Mirrors on the inside busted along with the glass shelves.
Needless to say the lady was not very happy and we didn't get a very good tip.
TLDR. Before moving a china cabinet, be sure to take out the glass shelves
zengosm: That sucks, man. What do people usually tip a moving guy? I only ask because I just bought a couch, and it's being delivered for free because it's taken forever to get here.
Ucantalas: I'm curious too. I didn't know movers got tips (just never had a big enough move to ever need hiring them, that's all)
| 3 | 9 | |
1383243802 | 1383262145 | null | t5_2to41 | 125 | dgr92: TIFU by going to the wrong bathroom
It was 6am and I was at the airport. My flight didn't leave for another hour. I had gotten an hour of sleep the night before so I was exhausted. I needed to take a crap so I went to the bathroom. I got in sat down on the toilet and did my thing.
Halfway through, I hear footsteps enter the bathroom. Only they sounded like high heels hitting the floor. The person entered the stall next to me, sighed, let out a massive wet fart that turned into a foul river of shit. It smelled terrible and sounded just as bad. Another sigh followed by a stream of piss and the person was gone. Once again I heard what sounded like high heels.
At this point I finish up and got out of the bathroom. At this point I noticed there were no urinals. Sure enough when I stepped out I saw I was in the ladies room. I quickly lowered my head and walked away. I sat down on this nearby bench and I noticed that across from me there was an attractive women. Wearing high heels. It may or may not have been the one who took the epic crap in the stall next to me but I instantly lost all interest in her.
TLDR; Girls take epic, smelly and loud craps as well
PhilliusBlunt: You must not be married or in a long term relationship (or your partner doesnt let it all out), because yes. Yes they do.
Tomf1sh: Well said, brother.
| 3 | 41.666667 | |
1383251835 | 1383271778 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | fuckingc00nt: TIFU by getting drunk at my girlfriend's brother's wedding and throwing up inside her friend's car while she was driving me back home.
Too embarrassed to explain futher. The title says it all.
DerpyTheGrey: I have always wondered why more people dont keep sick-bags in their cars; it seems like the logical extension of keeping tissues in your car.
spankthepunkpink: because vomiting in the car is the exception
DerpyTheGrey: Yeah, but it is really bad when it happens and sick-bags cost next to nothing. It is like having car insurance; crashing is the exception, but you damn well want to be prepaired for when it happens.
spankthepunkpink: That sounds perfectly reasonable
| 5 | 5.4 | |
1383172774 | 1383268394 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | squishychicken: TIFU during midterms
So, not the most out there story, but still a TIFU. Flash back 2 months ago. Somehow I screwed up the left side of my neck and shoulder. Not sure how, but anyway the point is that it took me out of commission for like two weeks.
Flash forward to today. It is midterms week and guess what, I fuck up my neck again somehow. Same place, same shooting pains. Midterm portfolios and a test were due today in my Figure Drawing Class. I went to school early, dropped my portfolio off, told the instructor what's going on and got out of there. Then I went home and iced that thing up like no one's business. Still icing, hoping for the best. No pity. Seriously though, TIFU my neck during midterms :(
odakat: Tiger balm or Icy Hot, A heating pad and about 800mg ibuprofen . Source: I fucked up my neck in high school.
squishychicken: Hadn't thought of that. Thanks. Will do :)
odakat: If it gets really bad. If you have access to a inversion table that can help too. Just ask around a friend might have one you can use for five or ten minutes.
odakat: also this http://www.livestrong.com/article/366656-exercises-to-relieve-upper-back-neck-pain/ and this http://www.livestrong.com/article/471683-how-to-stretch-out-a-stiff-neck/
| 5 | 1 | |
1383258782 | 1383328777 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | 1likableazzhole: TIFU by assuming my boss would find "The Aristocrats" joke funny
This guy and I have gone to school with each other since kindergarten BUT he is still is my boss and things got awkward. I know he appreciates "shock" type humor. When we were in high school he was known for mooning people. Big deal you might ask, he ALWAYS opened his ass cheeks. I seen it once and trust me, it was fucking gross. So be clear, this guy doesn't have a giant cob up his ass at all, cuz I seen it. Anyway, I went into his office and we started bull shitting. During the conversation I asked him if he knew about this joke called the Aristocrats? After telling me no I told him to look it up on wikipedia, then youtube it. We watched the Gilbert Godfrey one. I realized very quickly that I was doing most of the laughing and he was jaw dropped (oddly enough made it kind of funnier). When it was done he just smiled awkwardly and we both couldn't have gotten out of that office quick enough. I can only hope he doesn't judge me.
DasSomeShite: So apparently he draws the line at blood cum. Now you know not to show him Antichrist.
PlayerOneWins: Do I really want to know what Antichrist is? Another really fucked up video?
DasSomeShite: It's actually a very artistic film from the great mind of Lars Von trier. Fun story. My friend saw it in Theatres and said there was a sign that said "warning this film is not torture porn. There is some artistic value to it"
PlayerOneWins: I'll take your word for it man, damn, if you have to preface it with a torture porn warning it sounds like a fucked up film
| 5 | 5.8 | |
1383274757 | 1383377875 | null | t5_2to41 | 135 | so_spooked: TIFU and now my vagina is worried
Earlier today, I was playing Pokemon X in my room when my big brother comes in and starts to trash talk my Pokemon team. He was just joking, and we got to joke-trash-talking each other.
We started wrestling. Well, during the fight, I accidentally kneed him…. really, really hard… right in his… berries. o__o He spent the next fifteen minutes lying on my bed in pain.
Being a good little sister, I offered to let him kick me in the cooch or punch my boobs. He said he will… but he's not telling me when. Now he keeps faking me out, acting like he's going to kick me and making me flinch. Walking around the house is like a survival horror game. I fell down twice trying to avoid his fake vag kicks. It's nuts.
TL;DR Accidentally hit my big bro in his no-nos, and now I live in fear of retaliation. Scariest Halloween ever.
lilcat09: You shouldn't have offered that. It was an accident. Him hitting you back won't be. That doesn't make sense.
so_spooked: NO IT HAS TO BE EVEN.
I'm pretty sure he's just messing with me. I'm not really going to get kicked... I think. 6__6
JiForce: Have you heard of Slapsgiving? I think we can call this one Vagsgiving.
(working title, actual holiday name TBD)
waitingforjune: I don't think Vagsgiving is a holiday I'd want to celebrate with my sister...
JiForce: ;)
^(Oh god you're right)
| 6 | 22.5 | |
1383276597 | 1383433751 | null | t5_2to41 | 72 | Profbrown: TIFU by giving out unwrapped candy (corn) on Halloween.
We ran out of wrapped candy, so all I had left was a bowl of candy corn. These kids just came by, and I put the candy corn in their bags, thinking nothing of it. Then a parent came down with their kid. I just threw some in their bag, and the parent stopped me before I closed my door. He started yelling at me, asking if I was trying to poison his daughter. I stammered, "N-No! I'm not! It's Halloween! I'm SUPPOSED to give out candy!" Then he called me a Smart-Alec, and I saw him walking away with his daughter's bag in hand, picking out the candy corn. After I closed the door, I remembered whose stupid, "Razors in your apples" suburban myths. Glad I'm not in the hospital!
FizzPig: that guy's a complete idiot. I've never even seen prewrapped candycorn!
deathwish644: One company makes "fun sized" packets of candy corn similar to the small bags of skittles
JustLetMeComment: Fuck those packets, they are a huge bitch to open.
| 4 | 18 | |
1383301047 | 1383353341 | null | t5_2to41 | 896 | not_gordon_freeman: TIFU by bringing someone home.
So I went out tonight. I thought, "Hey It's Halloween, maybe I can try and hook up with some random girl and it will be fun and awesome." Most of the night was lame, couples out together, people not in costume, not many people out in general because it's a thursday, etc, etc.
So, I end up getting good and drunk because I feel like a random hookup is not happening, and I eventually break off from my group of friends. The bar I'm at is closing up so I walk over to another bar next to the one I'm at to roll the dice. I smoke a cigarette and everyone is paired off with someone or in a group of dudes 5 deep. I see a hot girl standing by herself. I start talking to her and she sort of recognizes my costume. She immediately jumps to me taking her home. I agree and we hop in a cab back to my place.
She says she's cold and starts rubbing my legs. I just take this as her being assertive about what she wants and not leaving anything to the imagination. She says some other stuff that I don't really hear, but I pay no mind because I assume she's giving instructions to the cab driver.
Eventually we get back to my place and she says we can do everything if I want, which seems weird to me, so I say we'll see, trying to play it cool. At this point I'm properly drunk and was content with just going to bed with an attractive girl next to me. I escort her in, and as I bring her into my room she basically explains that she's a prostitute. So much for me being charming or attractive or witty or whatever the fuck I was thinking I was.
It doesn't end there though. I call a cab for her to get out of there, the first cab comes and calls, but I miss the call due to shitty reception in my apartment. The whole time she's freezing while lying in my bed, in my not terribly cold apartment so I semi-cuddle with her, which she's cool with. Eventually the second cab comes and I escort her out, pay for the cab and she leaves. The whole time she was here I felt awful for wasting her time during prime bar time. I felt like the biggest idiot, but she was super nice during the whole ordeal.
edit: perhaps the most embarrassing thing about this is that I'm a grown ass man and need to call my mom and explain this to her because I used one of her credit cards for the cab rides, since my card wasn't swiping properly.
edit2: deleted a brain fart in the first line.
Mr_Evil_MSc: For a prostitute, she's a terrible business woman.
Rockytriton: I bet she doesn't even have an MBA
[deleted]: Masters in Blowjob Administration.
Bigfrostynugs: For 30 bucks, I'll administer a blowjob to you
[deleted]: Sold. When and where?
Bigfrostynugs: My office is on 4th avenue,
Kaitlin West, Esq.
Knock and ask for the special
LordOfDemise: ...Doesn't "esq." mean "male" in French?
Bigfrostynugs: Fuck if I know.
I was going for esquire, as I confused lawyers with business people
LordOfDemise: Eh, you're still using it right (I think). I'm just giving you shit because it originally referred only to men. [Source](http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/esquire?rdfrom=Esquire)
| 10 | 89.6 | |
1383311466 | 1383450270 | null | t5_2to41 | 604 | Im_not_gay_dad: TIFU by telling my conservitive father I'm gay.
So I'll start by saying I'm totally straight. Me and my dad usually have political arguments. Daily actually. Well often it gets down to views on human rights. Gay marriage. Well when it gets down to this I usually flip shit. I admit, I get out of control but he literally says shit like, "Well if we let the gays marry, then people are going to want to marry their car!" Actual dad quote by the way. Well anyways today, when I went off, I said, "If straight people can marry, why can't we?!" Shit got silent there. I tried to correct myself with, "they," but he just said yep and walked away. Needless to say he's ignored me for the rest of last night.
tl;dr: Tried to defend gays to conservative dad, told him I was gay.
WIrunner: I would suggest serving him a nice meal of bacon wrapped shrimp, then show him all the times in the bible that this is an abomination.
Im_not_gay_dad: Genius idea. Thanks.
The_Homestarmy: Or you could *not* be an ass and *not* escalate things more than necessary.
siegewolf: Or you could try to teach dad better. When dad doesn't listen tell him grandkids can't be left alone with him when he gets some.
The_Homestarmy: I think we need to realize that it's not going to happen. He's (presumably) relatively old and he's lived his whole life like this. It's just not going to happen, and OP may as well respect that.
siegewolf: I wouldn't respect it. That isn't an opinion that should be respected.
The_Homestarmy: You're not respecting his opinion, you're agreeing to ignore it because there's no reason to start shit with your dad who loves you no matter what shitty opinions he might have.
siegewolf: Because his opinion doesn't deserve to be.
IWillNotLie: What are you, 15?
siegewolf: Nope, I'm someone who was tired of dealing with shit.
IWillNotLie: Yup. Definitely 15.
siegewolf: 23 with rational parents.
IWillNotLie: Oh, I totally forgot that even old people can be intolerant. My bad.
siegewolf: Being intolerant of intolerance is exactly what needs to be enforced. Some opinions are just wrong and should be treated as such.
IWillNotLie: LOL you sound just like the fundamentalists trying to outlaw gay marriages. Let me introduce an absolutely outrageous concept to you. Free will.
siegewolf: But they are wrong. It's not a matter of opinion.
IWillNotLie: So, people should not be allowed to be ignorant or wrong if they don't interfere with others' lives? Because, most of the theists don't do that. A greater percentage of atheists interfere with others' beliefs than theists. If you expect the religious to be tolerant of your beliefs, you'd better stop being an immature fuck and be tolerant of theirs too (as long as they're tolerant). And, while I'm at it, if you think that being right is more important than being happy or being peaceful, you're still immature despite being 23.
siegewolf: If your beliefs actually hurt something that someone has no control over who they are. Otherwise it shouldn't really matter.
IWillNotLie: Implying intolerance will make the fundamentalists change their beliefs.
| 20 | 30.2 | |
1383312605 | 1383508719 | null | t5_2to41 | 46 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting down a guy the hard way.
I've went on two date with this guy (Sam) and he wanted to me hang out with him last night at first I said sure. Later on I didn't think about it and got a date with David. I've been trying to get David for awhile we've gone on dates before and we've planned to again but we've both have been kinda busy. We both were free last night so we decided to go out again. After we set it up I remembered Sam wanting to get together (I've been trying to figure a way out of dating him, I just feel bad telling him the truth about why I don't want to date him and he takes everything so hard) so I texted him saying I couldn't see him tonight. Well David and I are having a blast and decided to hit up Walmart. We're chatting and Sam comes up asking how we are giving me the death stare. David and Sam worked out together before so they're talking and Sam completely ignores me other then asking how we were. Then walks off. Haven't heard from him since other then his status on FB saying how he can't wait to move and he's feeling down. I feel like shit about it but then again I'm kinda glad it happened.
TL:DR dissed a guy I've been on a few dates with for another guy and got caught in Walmart by him.
zugtug: I'm a guy but other than the fact that she forgot about the first guy, she isn't really a bitch or anything...? Unless they were in an actual relationship she isn't exactly exclusive to one guy(And even then, some relationships aren't exclusive but we won't get into that). It sucks that she forgot about the first guy's plans with her but stuff happens. It sucks for Sam that he found out that way, but if you're able to be forgotten about, I'd rather NOT be strung along personally. OP just needs to be more forthright with people is all I see. That doesn't make her a bitch. Makes her a big ol' scaredy cat!
KubaKuba: There's also the small matter of doing the things you say you're going to do like a respectable human being. I don't know much about anyone else here, but I get pretty damn pissed when people go back on something they said or had planned.
zugtug: Oh. I agree that it's not the best feeling to be forgotten or purposely rescheduled on, but we don't know which of the two happened so until I do I will assume she innocently forgot the date. Still sucks for Sam but that doesn't make the OP a bitch. Just forgetful and it's something she should work on if this is the case.
Midday21: You're right it doesn't make the OP a bitch it makes her a forgetful bitch. I think it's common decency not to be forgetful especially in those kind of situation.
JustAnotherLondoner: I don't think anyone purposely forgets things.. It's impossible to remember everything at once, so how can remembering be common decency?
Midday21: I wasn't clear. The important things you should remember not every minute detail. If you told someone you'll get back to them in Morrow for example don't just forget and leave them hanging, take a note if need be.
JustAnotherLondoner: I agree with the note thing; you should know if you're a forgetful person so should keep notes ect.
I still disagree with the "don't just forget" statement because you don't forget consciously, so it's difficult to 'just not do it'.
| 8 | 5.75 | |
1383314194 | 1383343927 | null | t5_2to41 | 218 | Dynomite333: TIFU by eating 20 kit kats for breakfast
So I get up the morning after Halloween, there is nothing for breakfast. So being the retard that I am I decided it would be ok for me to eat Kit kats for breakfast. 20 mins later I am sitting on the can holding a bucket to my mouth and blowing chunks from both ends.
Mr_Evil_MSc: Some of these are more understandable than others. I appreciate this is where we come to cough to a ridiculous fuck up, but come on. 20 kitkats? Are you an eight year old with poor impulse control? Do you have emotional problems compelling you to eat? Aside from the immediate humour, I find this to be incredibly depressing.
poor_impulsecontrol: > Are you an eight year old with poor impulse control?
Yes. I'm 25 going on 8, thank you very much.
Mr_Evil_MSc: **Was I talking to you??**
Just *had* to comment...
poor_impulsecontrol: Yeah man, I **had** to. It's almost like I'm impulsive or something.
Mr_Evil_MSc: How come people get the joke when *you* do it... :(
| 6 | 36.333333 | |
1383281840 | 1383337318 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | keiblerclown: TIFU by pouring boiling hot tea into a cracked glass container
This happened yesterday afternoon. I got up after only about 3 hours of sleep, feeling rather shitty. My wife and brother-in-law were prepping the house for the Halloween party we had planned, and I was tasked with making the sweet tea. Nothing to difficult, as I'm the designated sweet tea brewer most of the time. I set about making the tea, and my wife tells me to use the glass dispensers we had been gifted for our wedding.
This is where I made a series of stupid mistakes.
The tea reached boiling point, so I took it off the stove and set it aside to steep for a few minutes. I left the kitchen to go to the bathroom, came back and forgot to pour ice in the dispenser. I also forgot that one of the two dispensers had a fine crack toward the bottom, near the nozzle.
I poured the hot tea into the cracked dispenser, and heard a resounding CRACK! Thinking I had bounced the pot off the rim, I stopped to check things out. Deciding all was well, I filled the remainder of the dispenser with water and finally noticed a small puddle of tea forming around the bottom of the dispenser.
Realizing what had happened, I lifted the dispenser to move it into the sink and was soaked from the waist down in hot tea, flooding the counter, stove and floor in the process. The hairline crack near the nozzle had spread all the way around the bottom of the dispenser, so when I tried to move it, the bottom stayed put while the rest of the glass came free in my hands.
TL;DR: I poured hot tea into a giant cracked glass dispenser, broke the bottom off when I tried to move it and flooded my kitchen and soaked my pants in said tea.
BlackSwanX: That is a lot of paragraphs about spilling some tea. Now if you will indulge me, I'd like to regale you with an epic poem about the time that I broke my shoelace.
keiblerclown: Oh, do tell!
| 3 | 7 | |
1383317657 | 1383373840 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | vyrus027: TIFU by fooling around
So this happened a couple of hours before. We (me and my family) are on a cemetery (in my country we go there if its nov.1). So we are having fun, like joking etc. At the same time, this youngest son of my cousin is very hypertensive, like run here, run there, play here, and play there. At that time there are so many people and it is so easy to loss a kid (especially 3yrs old). Then this kid suddenly loss in our sight. his godparent whom his Auntie also. Run like hell to the direction where she last saw him running. we never thought that he was on the 2nd floor of our mausoleum. Then when she returned and ask us if we found him, someone whom behind me says "no, no, he hasn't found yet". Then the little jerk inside of me suddenly came out without notice. I also yelled the same words with matching pointing out the place where she ran to. Then she ask again if he was already found. Then I repeated it again. that time I didn't know she wasn't on a very good mood because her favorite nephew whom she was also a godparent is currently MIA (I know, I get very insensitive sometimes). Then someone behind me said he was there on the upper level. from there it got out of hand and it blows up like a bomb. She yelled that its not a joke if someone is missing and I was in the front and the one whom everyone can blame. Then she erupted like a volcano, I never saw her like that. I froze that moment and processing the things I did. She got red and crying out loud and saying things. Her brother burst mild laugh then she yelled that he is also to blame and cursed at him. At that time I was sweating like a pig. I feel like I was inside of an oven or even worst I was burning in hell because of I did. Then my cousin whom the mother is got mad at her and scolded her because the way she is acting at that moment. Because of that I feel even worst. She was scolded because of being to much caring. Until now I can't look at her and talk to her. I really feel guilty. :(
TL;DR: we are having fun, tried to made a joke to my cousin that our nephew is still missing, she found out, yelled and crying while scolding us whom literally focused to me, cursed at her brother who laugh mildly. She got scolded by the mother because the way she is acting. And I'm sweating like a pig. And everyone is blaming me.
Biscuits_81: What?
vyrus027: What? Its my first so bare with me pleAse.
Biscuits_81: I still don't know what the heck went on and why it's a TIFU!
WyomingFlip: His cousins nephew ran off during a Day of the Dead type celebration and after his cousin ran off to find the nephew, the nephew had already returned. The nephew then went to the second floor of the mausoleum that the family was in and OP told the cousin that the nephew was still missing. The cousin finds out that it was a joke and the cousin blew up about it and in general acted like an idiot and OP feels bad because cousin was placing all of the blame on OP.
Hope I helped.
vyrus027: You explained it very well bro. Thanks!! My first language is not english so. I'm very sorry. -_-
WyomingFlip: Not a worry! I just like to help people out and by explaining to the others, I've helped you understand why they couldn't. Always good to learn right?
vyrus027: Yep, learn as you will live forever. :)
| 8 | 1.5 | |
1383321634 | 1383390291 | null | t5_2to41 | 76 | [deleted]: TIFU by listening to music while handing out candy.
This was actually last night.
So I was handing out candy outside with my dog. Since I was basically alone, I decided to play some music. I figured I'd look a little weird just sitting there. So I turned on my music and just had Lana Del Ray's album playing. It was kinda loud, you could hear it to like the middle of my driveway.
So all was going well, not too many kids were out since it was raining, but a lot of them came in groups.
One big group (probably 8 kids) in particular took me a little while to get all their candy to them, and the ones who did get their candy were standing there with their parents. All of a sudden I hear the beginning of 'Cola' come on. For those who don't know, it starts by singing "My pussy tastes like Pepsi cola."
Here I was, covered with candy, a dog, and a huge blanket, so it was hard to get up to change it. Meanwhile, the parents are standing there gawking at me. Then yelling at me for exposing their kids to that. And then the kids starting crying because their parents were yelling.
After they left, I gave up and went inside, knowing I probably ruined some kids' Halloween.
forksporkspoon: Paraphrased: A bunch of people brought their kids over to your house and you gave them free candy. Then they yelled at you because your choice in music doesn't match theirs.
This sounds like a TTFU to me.
moneyballshma: In their defense I don't think they were expecting their kids to hear "my pussy tastes like pepsi cola" while trick-or-treating...
| 3 | 25.333333 | |
1383328869 | 1383338853 | null | t5_2to41 | 96 | [deleted]: Today I fucked up and congratulated my company commander on getting a divorce.
I'm an ROTC cadet at university, this was an interaction I had this morning.
So, first off, I don't know the CO very well. I knew her last name and other basic info. Anyway, during PT this morning I saw her name had changed (we were wearing ACU's because it was a ruck march) and said "Did you get married? Congratulations" she replied, in her monotone voice "Divorced". I didn't say another word to her for the rest of the day.
itareu: I'm sorry... but I don't know what ROTC, CO, PT, and ACU mean. I'm sorry :/ what do they mean?
CptnAmerica: Reserve Officer Training Corps, Commanding Officer, Physical Training, Adaptive Combat Uniform.
OP - I'm assuming the Army is the same as the Marine Corps in that you probably would have said, "Did you get married **ma'am**?" ;)
itareu: Thanks!
| 4 | 24 | |
1383333561 | 1383404130 | null | t5_2to41 | -2 | I_HATE_THIS_JOB: TIFU by realizing I should kill myself.
Some people say killing yourself is selfish or even a weak way out but the truth is I'm a waste of life and oxygen.
I'm nothing more than someone creating trash and polluting the earth. Why can't people kill themselves and it not be ok. If I was an animal let's say a dog that was born in a litter and I was just that dog that could never get it together or I bit someone then they put me to sleep. So why not people. I didn't go to college I fucked around in school finally got my highschool diploma and now I'm stuck working terrible dead end jobs. I'm almost 30 what's the point of going to school when life is almost over. I even tried that a couple years ago but kept fucking up so here I am owing a school five grand and I have nothing to show for it.
My life is shit. I'm fat and not just fat I am obese I'm 500 pounds I feel like I could have a heart attack at any minute. I live in an apartment with my gf that I don't deserve I make just enough money to pay bills sometimes not even enough for that I'm broke constantly I have a 5 year old from a precious relationship that's mentally handicapped and I don't even know of he is mine. I give almost $300 of my check for child support for a kid I don't even know is mine. And all because my ex is a lazy fucking welfare bunny.
I work a dead end job with a bunch of cunts that peaked in highschool and now gotta make up for lost time. Of being cunts I am constantly asked to do tons of work because I am good at it but passed up on every promotion. I have nothing going for me. I have a small group of friends that I don't even feel like I fit in with. Everything in life I feel like I am on the outside starring in. Even with my family I don't get called for family dinner or when stuff is going on. I am not good at anything.
I feel like people are only friendly with me because they are scared of me. Just like people that are in jail for killing people or going crazy why can't they just die why can't I just die. I just wanna put my gun in my mouth and pull the trigger. I'm so tired of life its exhausting not knowing what's gonna happen tomorrow how I'm gonna pay for this and that having to wake up everyday ass early to work a job a fucking hate just to stay alive. I see why people lose their minds and go crazy.
Today I fucked up because I realized just how fucking useless I am and its all my fucking fault.
OpinionToaster: God I really have no idea how to put this nicely. Are you going to kill yourself? If so, I'm not giving you a "No don't do it" talk. I'm tired of this shit. If you know you're going to do it then do it, don't hurt other people and have them know that despite their best efforts, they couldn't save a life. But please, don't.
S31P3L: You sir, are a complete and total asshat. Fucking moron. One, you didn't have to read this shit... two, he is obviously going through a rough patch so your fucking immaturity is REALLY unnecessary... three, what kind of high horse do you live on that you think it is ok to go on a FORUM WEBSITE and tell someone that you are sick of reading their shit. If you are sick of it DON'T FUCKING READ IT! It was clearly stated in the title, but instead you posted the worthless cry for attention here which could LITERALLY be the turning point between a person dying or not. Im 19 and most definitely don't know enough about the world to give guidance or advice but you.... you're the one who should be posting about needing to kill themselves... fucking moron.
OpinionToaster: How is it a cry for attention? By your logic, just posting would be a cry of attention, and you just told someone to kill themself in a thread about someone who may or may not kill themself. I'm not quite sure if you can understand this sentence since it didn't have enough caps lock or apparently the only word in your vocabulary, moron.
| 4 | -0.5 | |
1383335607 | 1383495377 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | GSpiff: TIFU Sending one text, I might have just lost and pissed off a great friend, the only girl I've ever loved.
I won't disclose my age in fear of ridicule, and thinking this won't be taken as seriously.
So I was in my basement waiting for my buddy to come over and operate the camera for my film I'm working on. As I wait I decide to drink straight vodka to kill the time. As I finish 4-5 shots worth, I text another friend, "Vodka is disgusting."
I have a history of suicidal thoughts and depression, and she hates when I drink, especially when I'm alone. My film focuses on suicide and depression, and I hold a gun to my head in it. She knows I succumb to suicidal thoughts, I've told her about them. When she gets the text, she tries calling me twice but I ignored them. Third call, I answer but all I say is "no" and hang up. The calls again and I decide to listen. She asks what the fuck I'm doing, I say filming and hang up.
I put my phone on silent and resume filming, because I need to get this done. Two hours later, I check Twitter to see what's new, and to tell my few dozen followers of my finished project. I see that my friend tried contacting my instructor and was tweeting about me without using my name, asking for me to call her. I decide to text her before I go to bed.
Suddenly, all the feels. She tells me how she was scared for me, thinking I was going to do something stupid, maybe take my life. The project comes from my heart and is very reflective of my innermost thoughts. She goes on, telling me how she worries about me every day, and that I scare her with what I talk about (read: suicidal thoughts) every day, and that it eats at her inside. I feel terrible for what I've done, and I was going to apologize in class today, but I couldn't find the words. I wanted to say I'm sorry, but I was amazed at how much she cared about me. She is a lesbian but knows I like her, I wanted to tell her I think and worry about her every day, but I didn't know what to do first; apologize or tell her I worry too. I couldn't figure out what to do so I did nothing and I feel even worse. She's pissed off at me, I'm drunk as I'm typing this, and the whole situation is shocking me.
Bonus: My instructor was drilling me today if I was having any "problems" filming, and told me she emailed him. Great. I might spill all the beans that comprise my life on Monday.
TL;DR Texted my crush about the lack of quality of vodka, she assumed I was drinking alone while thinking about suicide, got worried, I ignored her calls and now feels terrible.
Soccadude123: Stop drinking. Get it together man.
GSpiff: I seldom drink, but when I do I'm feeling down and just want time to pass faster.
[deleted]: Wow I'm in this exact situation except I don't drink I get high (she hates it).. I've told her that I'm depressed but she doesn't know that I contemplate suicide.... And you are in your late teens maybe 20s, correct?
GSpiff: Yeah, late teens.
[deleted]: let me guess did you have an extremely traumatic event in your childhood? Sudden or painful loss of someone close maybe? Or messy divorce of parents?.... If you repressed or didn't get help you'd be feeling in the way you describe.... Try and get over whats making you feel this way & focus on this girl you never know she might be bi, or looking for a boy toy. Trust me man the more you hold on to pain the worse it gets, I've finally realized that recently and slowly I'm starting to get better, hell I've been strung up and ready to drop, but changed my mind I'm glad I always have, trust me man it gets better, just try and let go of the pain.
GSpiff: I almost succumbed to hypothermia when I was 6 and was hospitalized at 10 when my diaphragm muscle wasn't working, but nothing ridiculous. Last year around this time, my mom developed cysts on her ovaries, leading to emergency surgeries for about 3 or 4 months, so I witnessed my mother on the brink of death for about half a year. That was awful.
I don't really think there are any horrific events that make me want to drink, I just hate waiting for things. I actually finished a bottle of vodka today once my family was out of the house, but I violently puked afterwards. I did skip a good 7 hours of the day, so my intentions were fulfilled!
Okay, I may be developing a problem.
[deleted]: Ignore my long ass ninja edit then, idk what I said was more my experience. Mum died of cancer, nasty business...but my points still stand you sound like you like her try and be a great friend and she may open up emotionally and otherwise... & it doesn't do To hold pain.
GSpiff: I didn't catch the edit when I sent my comment, but I feel you. Sorry for the loss of your mother, I thought I'd lose mine. She took photos, all the blood. The black blood... Its haunting. I wanted to know what was wrong, but I was afraid to ask. So I was in the dark for weeks and months wether or not I'd lose her.
Addition 1: I can't really figure this girl out, but I either fucked myself or rebuilt the bridge I burned on Thursday. It took about 20 minutes for the alcohol to really hit me, but as I was buzzing, I gave her a call and drunkenly apologized. The other day, she told me she worries about my mental health every day, and that I scare her with talking about suicide and holding a knife to my throat... I didn't realize, I mean I know people care about me, but she was scared for me. I've never had someone tell me that. I think about her and if she's okay every day since August, and I told her. I told her I love her, and not to let all this wear on, but I laid it all on the table.
I try not to hold anything inside, I talk about her with my friend E, I talk to her about my feelings and shit, and I talk to my therapist about everything else. Its hard for me to express myself to people, I might have a mild form of autism, getting tested at Kennedy Krieger in the next 5 months for it, hopefully I have something wrong with me in that respect, it would give me an answer for most of the things I do.
Ill get my chance to talk to her in person, sober on Monday. In a way, I'm glad I got drunk today, it gave me my opportunity to say what I've wanted to say for months, even if I didn't say it in person, or coherently. I wouldn't have had the courage to say it without the drink.
And about drinking, I got buzzed for the first time in summer, alone, but the beer was too much to drink. When I drank Thursday, I drank enough to skip some time but stay in control. Today though, I got FUCKED UP. I wanted to. I finished the bottle then took a pull of Black Seal rum. I violently puked afterward. Thing is, *I never drink.* Today was the first time really getting drunk...
Final Edit: Yep, that's probably all I've got now. Sorry its so unorganized.
[deleted]: Lately weed has become a numbing agent I still have such bad depression randomly I might be bipolar. she gets so mad she says I could get in trouble and that I'm better than this... I think I should stop for a while because I don't like where I'm going, I literally let my friend and some guy I don't even know into my house yesterday just because they brought some weed & I wouldn't have to pay. they made a mess of my parents house, I've got a bruise on my head because the random dude got aggressive and pushed me into a door and I was to fucked up to do anything but laugh..... Back to the girl. She and I talk all the time, & I was sent some shower pics today, however she was toying with me and had it dark so I could see only a silhouette, or had the phone a little to high to see her boobs, & another where she was naked out of the shower in front of a foggy mirror you could tell she was naked but it wasn't a perfect view.
Holy shit sorry abt this unorganized wall of text.
GSpiff: This girl would rather have me smoke weed than drink, and I agree with her. I've never smoked before though. My older brother spent most of his life baked, so I used to see at people who smoke marijuana as scumbags, but once I got into like 10th year of school, I realised my brother had little control of himself. He might be an alcoholic now, he has dependency issues, running in both sides of the family.
Anyway, back to weed, I think I'd rather smoke than take antidepressants, if given the choice. Some time this year, I think ill smoke with her, but the logistics would need to be worked out. I bet my parents wouldn't have a problem with it, as long as I'm safe. I get high marks in all my studies, so I bet for all they care, I could probably get high every day as long as it doesn't interfere with my education.
By the way,
>I was sent some shower pics today
*Nice.*
[deleted]: Yep I probably would've gotten to see more if my responses were more, in her words "charming" I was a good [8] when she and I were talking... I'm cool with weed its just the fact that I let some random dude into my house and let him fuck shit up for barely maybe 3 bowls of the stuff admitantly scares me. Not to mention that the friend and I have almost been arrested for the stupid shit we do high several times. The most recent incident (last week) we tried to break into a radio transmitting station (big fenced in area with a giant cell tower looking thing next to a little mobile building thing.)
GSpiff: The key to recreational drug use is and will always be control.
Its been real, /u/Resnov maybe we'll meet again in another thread. Be safe.
[deleted]: Same to you sir.
| 14 | 1.285714 | |
1383338626 | 1383430939 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TWIFU by trying to not be a recluse.
So I decided to really, really make it to TeslaCon this year. I put costumes together
Got my character ready. Everything... turns out I am not social enough for these kinds of things. And realistically, I am too fat for my costume. No one wants to see a fat chick in a costume. And my hair turned green when I tried to dye it black. I don't know how to approach people. I saw three people I vaguely know. One ignored me. The other two treat me like that person they don't want to be mean to but they would rather not have around,
So I am 5 states away from home in a hotel. It is my first time going actually out in half a dozen years.obably going to hide out all weekend and hate myself. I am such a waste.
My dad dropped me off here and is visiting friends 6 hours away. When he picks me up I have. To make it sound like I had fun, which I do about everything anyway.
FLSun: Hey, you took the first step. You went to Teslacon. You did it!!!" Feel good about that. Now don't let your anxiety hold you back. Own it. Don't let yourself say "I can't" Force yourself to say "I did it!!" Don't break your string of "I did it's!!!!" Start with the little things. Get your costume on. "I did it!!" So you're overweight. Big Fucking Deal. Like that ever stopped Chris Farley or Oprah. Get your stuff and walk out into the hall. "I did it!!" Get to the event. "I did it!!" Walk in and look around. Look for the wall flowers. The people who look as nervous as you feel. Go get a couple of bottles of water and walk up and hand them one. Ask them if they are as nervous as you are. Do some people watching with them. Ask them to rate other costumes or displays. Look for others that seem shy and bring them into your group. Give your group a name. Remember don't say "I can't" Bite your tongue and go for it then say "I did it". Make a rule for the group that anytime someone says "I can't" they have to pay a penalty. And anyone who says "I did it!!" Gets a reward. Have the group decide what the rewards and fines are going to be.
Now get out there and start saying, "I DID IT!!!. And make sure you let us know how it went.
[deleted]: Listen to this guy. No one is going to feel sorry for you but yourself, so if you want to be happy you've got to take steps to be happy. It sounds like you already know how to do that, since you've come this far. If you think you look ridiculous in your costume, just wear your regular clothes, and rock the green hair, no one gives a shit. You don't want to regret missing out on it later on in life, trust me. And some of the coolest people I've ever met were fat, so don't let that make you stay inside. And like top comment says, feel your feelings but don't let them keep you from every trying again.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1383350155 | 1383399806 | null | t5_2to41 | -15 | [deleted]: TIFU by suggesting my new gf should get a haircut.
Long story short, we've been dating for about a month. I don't know why, but she went with me to get my haircut and paid for it while I was getting it cut! It was silly.
Anyways, today while we were out I jokingly suggested I pay her back and pay for her haircut.
She got her haircut before our date. fuck.
barnacledoor: My mother always said, "If you don't have anything nice to say, just downvote and go away." That is how I'll treat this post.
[deleted]: You just contradicted yourself.
barnacledoor: :)
| 4 | -3.75 | |
1383347083 | 1383372251 | null | t5_2to41 | 56 | TGDE: TIFU by taking photos of a Turkish police station
So in the Turkish republic foreigners residing in the country for an extended period of time are required to get a residence permit. Today was my appointment. This occurs at the Fatih police station.
A lot of people have trouble finding finding the location within the complex where you turn in your papers. In light of this, after I turn mine in I thought to myself, "Wouldn't it be useful to create a guide so other people could use it." Why this guide should include some photos!
So stupid me decides to act on this, at the time, brilliant idea and on my way out Im merrily taking photos of landmarks to use. Since my appointment is late, (9PM) there is nobody around and I can take these photos unabated. All is well until I get to the front and I take a photo of the building. I get accosted by what I assume to be a non uniformed police officer and I tell him in Turkish that I don't speak enough to understand him. He takes me to a uniformed officer sporting an MP5 submachine gun and tells him the situation in Turkish. By now I realized I've made a mistake but I have no choice but to ride this rollercoaster until the end.
So since I realize my mistake and I already know what's coming next I hand the officer my device with the photos pulled up and I delete one making sure to show him the process. He takes it and repeats the process for every photo while asking questions like,
Where are you from?
Why are you taking photos?
Why are you in Turkey?
Where do you Study?
What do you study?
By this point I'm attracting a lot of attention from the other officers posted in front because there is literally nothing else happening other than cars driving by, it's really late like 9:45PM local time. So every time another officer joins our new circle of friends I have to repeat my story. By the end I'm encircled by 6 police officers armed with an assortment of automatic weapons including MP5 and M4 looking weapons that may have been HKs since they already had MP5s.
The last officer that joined our circle of friendship came up on my left and cut me off mid sentence and yelled,"DONT PANIC, DONT PANIC MY FRIEND." Now, I dont feel like I was panicking, I could feel some adrenaline sure but even if I was panicking I feel like I was perfectly within my right to panic because I was encircled by police in a foreign country sporting automatic weapons after doing something very stupid.
Right before this the original english speaking officer asked if I took videos, I hadnt but he had to check anyway. He watches a few of them, and scrolls through some like he had before with the pictures, at some point he was just admiring my collection, anyway he selects one more to play and this one happened to be me shooting a handgun at an indoor firing range. So that didn't look good.
Anyway, since the new guy joined I had to go through the gauntlet of questions again and this time at the end, kind of out of the blue, he asks if I know of [Kevin Mitnick](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kevin_Mitnick). Now, I did two internships at a defense contractor during high school after I performed well in a cyber security competition and at a time I trained to be a penetration tester. So yeah, I know who Kevin Mitnick is we hit it off from there. I had the fortune to take a cybersecurity centric tour of the Pentagon before and I happen to have a CIO.gov folder from that day that I used to carry all my residence permit shit. It has a presidential seal on it and binary 1s and 0s aesthetically faded on the interior, they ooo'ed and aaahh'ed at it for a few moments and made polite conversation about hacking and firearms. When I'm about to leave he says something about a photo and Facebook, I didn't ask to clarify because I really wanted to get out of that situation since my fight or flight response was still active. We exchange goodbyes in Turkish after a few steps I say turn and say the equivalent of "bye-bye" in Turkish and wave. They respond the same as a group with a smile and I ran to cross the street.
It's weird to think had we been born in the same city we may have been best friends.
ZeldenGM: Told them I was from the states
They all started applauding and yelling "good jaaaaaaaaab"
Tipped them all
Got picked up by an eagle and went home
Just another day outside freedomland
curbsidekillaz: I enjoyed that post also
| 3 | 18.666667 | |
1383357724 | 1383369663 | null | t5_2to41 | 54 | MadlifeIsGod: TIFU by insulting the PM of Canada
The Prime Minister of Canada is performing musically for the National Conservative Party Convention tonight, and he was rehearsing earlier in the day at my place of work.
I walked down the hallway and said rather loudly, "This music is awful!" I then saw a head pop out of the room next to me and glare. I found out about 10 minutes later that it was none other than Steven Harper playing and his head of security had heard me. I can only hope he doesn't get me in trouble, but I could possibly be out a job. (Most likely not it was just really awkward that I insulted him in front of his head of security.)
evenstar40: This is Canada, not the US. You'll probably be end up receiving a letter of apology.
an_ill_mallard: Seriously, fuck off with that played out shite. It's taking up valuable real estate on my screen
| 3 | 18 | |
1383357476 | 1383443087 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,373 | FUCK_DESERT_BLUFFS: TIFU by masturbating after donating blood
Every year in October, my school has an annual blood drive. This was my first time giving blood, and I didn't really know what to expect.
The donation went swimmingly, there were no issues besides being slightly lightheaded, which was to be expected. After they took the needle out, they bandaged me up and sent me to the snack table. I felt absolutely fine.
Fast forward to when I got home. No one was there. Parents were at work, sisters were out doing some shit. I figured I might as well get off.
Everything was going great, stupendously even. I felt euphoric. I finished and got up to pee, when suddenly everything rushed up to my head and I fainted. When I came to, I was on the floor, laying in a puddle of piss. I used 3 different cleaners just to get rid of the smell and threw my piss-soaked clothes in the washing machine. I didn't tell anyone.
Never again.
Edit: this happened two days ago.
Edit 2: I am a female, to clear up any confusion.
Edit 3: If you guys could stop asking me if I go to school with you, that'd be great.
pameatsbabies: This is not the first time I've heard on reddit about this kind of thing happening. Maybe they should add a warning? *Refrain from masturbating for x hours*
courtoftheair: They do. No sex, masturbation or heavy exercise/lifting.
Broiledvictory: I was never warned. :L
courtoftheair: That wasn't very nice of them. Basically, don't do it. Stay home and nibble biscuits in bed.
Anon_Alcoholc: So, oral sex is ok?
Napalm4Kidz: Only on biscuits
CovingtonLane: Oreo orgasm. Work for me.
BadBoyJH: I'm sure there's a joke about "the white stuff", but I'm too tired...
ilikeeatingbrains: Double-Stuffed.
rokimaru: I prefer uh oh's
ilikeeatingbrains: Is that what you say before you blow your cookies?
rokimaru: Among other things
ilikeeatingbrains: Do you say them like Scooby Doo?
***Ruh-rohhhelllllughhh***
| 14 | 169.5 | |
1383356556 | 1383435764 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | TruckerTimmah: TIFU by diving out of bed
Decided to take a quick nap after work today as I was exhausted.
I had the most convincing, vivid dream I have ever had.
I was at a Walmart on Black Friday. I REALLY wanted this new Vortex Virtual Reality game console, and Walmart only sold them on Fridays. There were mobs of people in the store, fighting over things, trampling employees, someone had a horse in one of the isles and was strangling it with a rubberband.
Anyway, I get in line for the console, and while I am checking out a large crowd of 200 people line up behind me. I suddenly feel the overpowering urge to LET 'ER RIP and let out the loudest, longest fart. Flames shot out of my rectum and incinerated all 200 people behind me in line. I finished checking out and left the store, hundreds of people all staring at me with mouth agape.
I get in my car, thinking that I just killed 200 people I might want to get out of town. Decide to go to Mexico. About halfway there I am stopped by a cop, and at least 5 other cop cars instantly show up and surround me.
A large cop gets out of the car on my left and says "Do you know why you have been pulled over?" I played dumb and replied "No, I don't"
"Did you know you killed 200 people back there?"
I immediately started the engine of my 67HP N/A Diesel and ran from the police. Somehow I managed to lose a fleet of cops.
I ended up at my job for some unfathomable reason, and decide since I am already here I am going to get some work done. I go and sit down at my desk and answer a few calls, then I go to the bathroom to take a dump.
While I am sitting on the throne, *BANG BANG BANG BANG* "OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE WE KNOW YOUR IN THERE - COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP"
They start tackling the bathroom door.
At this point I wake up screaming "OH FUCK IM GOING TO GET THE GAS CHAMBER FOR THIS OH FUCK"
and dived out of my bed, under my bedframe and cover myself with sheets to hide from the police.
It is then at that point I realize it was all a dream.... and I now have a big bruise on my forehead.
Mom was not amused at the yelling.
DerpyTheGrey: I dont think you know what lucid dreaming is. For future reference, it is when you are aware that you are in a dream, and as such can generally controll it to an extent.
iMerika: ya exactly....i think he meant vivid dreaming
TruckerTimmah: I was looking for the right word
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1383398930 | 1383429857 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | thejam15: TIFU by putting my two weeks in a little too early
So I pretty much got a new job as a computer technician and because of that I put my two weeks in at my crappy fast food job. Turns out that my computer technician position was put on hold now I am panicing as far as what to do. I have been applying to some places and hoping.
99_44_100percentpure: What do you mean "pretty much got a new job"? Does that mean that you hadn't been officially offered the job but your future employer said you would be? Because if that's the case, then that is your fuck up right there. Never quit a job unless you have the contract for the next one in hand and signed.
thejam15: Im hired but my position is on hold
99_44_100percentpure: Hm, did they give you a start date and then reneg on it? Either way, I agree with what others here have said; that you should just ask your current employer if you can stay on a bit longer.
thejam15: I did today and they would be more than happy to keep me a bit longer. I cant say that I wont miss my bosses but the work just sucks.
99_44_100percentpure: I hear that. Conrgats on your new, much better and more fulfilling job, even if you do have to wait a bit longer.
| 6 | 4.166667 | |
1383402243 | 1383430602 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by saying yes to tea and biscuits
my mum asked me if wanted tea and biscuits I said yes. I then went to my room and started slapping the bass if you know what I mean. I close my eyes while doing it and 5 minutes later I finish. I open my eyes and see tea and biscuits on my desk. FFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK
DerpyTheGrey: Pretty sure I saw something almost exactly like this on Snopes.
Darth_Fett: What is Snopes?
DerpyTheGrey: They keep an index of urban legends and do fact checking to either confirm or refute as many as they can. For reference: [the story in question](http://www.snopes.com/risque/caught/cupoftea.asp)
Darth_Fett: Thanks
[deleted]: Fess up, this shit didn't happen to you. I'd just once like to see OP admit he's lying.
| 6 | 1.833333 | |
1383405578 | 1383442865 | null | t5_2to41 | 37 | HalloweenFuckUp: TIFU in so many ways I can't fit them all in the title.
**This is a REAL long story, so bear with me. Names have been changed. This all happened 2 nights ago on Halloween.**
Like many other college students around the country, I dressed up and went to this Halloween party that my college was throwing. It was fun and all seeing my friends in their costumes and stuff, but it was *super* boring there cause, you know, it was being thrown by the school. Me and four of my friends decide to ditch it and go to another party. One of the girls with us, Suzy, was obviously into me, making a point to sit next to me while we waited for the others, laughing at my dumb jokes, all that. I'm feeling pretty good about myself. So me and 12 other people (along with my 4 friends) piled into the bed of a pickup truck (the driver was also going to the party) and take to the roads.
That was **Fuck-Up #1**.
I didn't know it at the time, but driver had already been drinking. So he was going at least 50 miles an hour down these roads, and several times the bed of the truck scraped against the road cause the 12 of us were weighing it down. At one point he took a turn way too fast, and the truck almost tipped over. Eventually we got to the party house and I'm thanking God Almighty for letting me get there alive.
Here we are at the house (which I had never been to) and it's pretty packed. You had to be pushy just get through the front door, let alone the kitchen where the drinks were being served. So me and Suzy walked in after the rest of the group and grabbed a drink, and we're all just talking right now. Pretty soon I'm dancing with her and having a good time.
I'm gonna pause the story for a second. Suzy wasn't really a friend - more like an acquaintance. My other friends that I know well know Suzy, but I've only hung out with her twice before (with a bunch of other people). So because of this, I'm completely unaware of the fact that Suzy loves to get *absolutely wasted*.
Back to the story. Suzy and I are dancing and having a great time. She's got real close to me and stuff, and she reached behind to put her hands on my chest and waist. Then she wrapped her arms around my neck, and I just kissed her on the cheek. I knew I did something right cause she looks up at me and has this ear to ear grin on her face. So for the next 20 minutes or so we alternated between making out and dancing. She left for a bit at one point, and I just assume she's going to see other friends of hers. I stay where I am and talk with my other friends, too. Suzy came back, and we return to making out and dancing.
At this point I've only had one drink, since I don't really like alcohol that much, but whatever, I'll have one just to have one. Unbeknownst to me, Suzy was not speaking with friends when she left. She was getting more and more drunk.
Eventually we got a warning that the cops are about to show up, so me and my 3 other friends decided to head out and go back to the dorms. Suzy takes me by the hand and we got outta there. But the moment she crosses the threshold from inside the house to outside she falls forward, running into another girl and nearly falling over.
So now it hits me that for the last 40 minutes I've been making out with a severely drunk girl while I've been totally sober. That was **Fuck-Up #2**.
I stood there in shock for a second. How was Suzy *this* drunk? Her speech wasn't slurred when we were talking in the house, she wasn't tipping over when we were dancing, nothing. I was amazed at how sober she had seemed while inside the house. So I was freaking out just a little. To anyone else, it looks like I was taking advantage of her.
Before we started walking to the dorms, I did a sobriety check. I've only had my one drink, so I'm good. The other girl with us, Avanti, was pretty sober, too. The two other guys (let's call them Jake and Randy) were kind of on the threshold of drunk, but still sober enough to walk and form somewhat coherent sentences. Suzy wasn't able to do either of those things.
**Fuck-Up #3** was not thinking to call one of my other friends who wasn't at the party to come pick us up.
Since we didn't have a ride back to the dorms we had to walk there, which was a task much easier said than done. Randy and I were holding up Suzy by the arms, and Jake was just walking behind up being weird. And in the spirit of my terrible luck that night, we ended up taking the long way back, cause Randy couldn't quite remember each turn and I was too busy trying to keep this girl from falling into the road.
So we hoofed it. Several times Suzy decides to just lay down on the sidewalk and yell "Carry me!". People driving past eyeball us like crazy. One car actually pulled up to the curb and asked if we were okay and needed a ride. We politely declined because stranger danger, but I was seriously considering it at some points. Whenever we get to a streetlight or road sign I had to forcibly pull her away from the obstacle because she wanted to run into it.
Now, just take a second and imagine how sketchy this all would look: three guys in ridiculous costumes walking around the streets of the city, holding a drunk girl who could barely stand up or talk. I'm surprised we weren't stopped by the two cop cars that drove past us during our trip. Did I mention we're all underage, too?
But that wasn't the bad part. Nope. The bad part is, during all the stumbling and drunken talk, Jake mentions something about Suzy's boyfriend.
This was **Fuck-Up #4**, and it showed up in glorious fashion.
I was really, really pissed at Jake now. He had ample time to mention that little tidbit to me, before we got to the party and during the party. A couple other people we knew did as well, but they didn't say anything either. So I was pretty pissed at them, and then also at myself for not asking Suzy in the first place.
Suzy drunkenly protests, however, saying that "No, no, he told me I could go fuck whoever I wanted. Fuck him. I can show you texts." She handed me her phone to look at the text message conversation that supposedly cleared her of having an SO. Nothing in those message suggested that she had broken up with him.
So now I'm feeling pretty bad. After all, I just spent the last hour and a half dancing with this chick and making out with her, and it turns out she has a boyfriend. Just great.
After nearly 20 minutes of walking, we were within sight of the dorms. Almost home free, but there's still a ways to go. I'm convinced that my left arm is going to be jacked the next day from holding this dead weight girl up. Suzy wasn't on the chubby side or anything, but she kept on falling down and dragging her feet. God apparently decided to cut me a break right then, because a car pulled up and in it are more of my friends we all know. They had been having a late night snack down at this food court area and saw us on the street.
They did a U turn and pulled up next to us on the curb. Suzy and I got in the rear passenger seats, while drunken Randy popped open the trunk and hops in, even though he could've fit just fine next to me. Jake also decided there's no more room and just smiles at us, saying that he'll walk the rest of the way himself. I wasn't worried about him at all, so we say whatever and haul ass out of there.
We drove up to the dorms and showed our IDs to the security guard (thankfully Suzy actually shut up for 5 seconds while we did this), and then pulled around to the rear entrances into the building so we could avoid the lobby area. I hopped out and helped Suzy get out of the car without bashing her head in on the asphalt or another vehicle, while my other two friends (let's call them Frankie and Tyler) walk around to the lobby. Randy and I help Suzy up to her dorm room.
So we made it. We finally get to this girl's room. She's been talking about her ungodly desire to pee for the last 30 minutes, so we guide her towards the bathroom, sit her down on the toilet, and stand outside while she does her stuff. Randy says that he's gotta go get his stuff from Frankie's car, and I was stupid enough to let him go and leave me alone with Suzy, too busy thinking about how crappy the night had been. That, of course, was **Fuck-Up #5**, but thankfully nothing came of it.
I heard the toilet flush and I waited a few seconds before knocking on the bathroom door. Suddenly there was an incredibly noisy *crash*, followed by a bunch of *tinks* and *thumps*. I opened the door and Suzy's sitting in the bathtub with shampoo containers and shower shelves lying around her - she had stood up from the toilet and fallen over immediately. I helped her up and walked her to her bed, and all the while she's giggling like crazy. She invites me to the bed a few times ("Nothing sexual,” she slurs, “Just platonic") but I refuse.
Eventually Randy comes back with Frankie, Tyler, and a couple others who agree to stay and make sure Suzy doesn't kill herself by accident. Glad to get a load off, I go to McDonald's with Frankie and Tyler to get some food and clear my head of this shitty, shitty night.
**SUPER TL;DR:** I went to a party, made out with a girl, found out she has a boyfriend, walked her drunk ass home, felt real shitty about it and eventually scored a Double Cheeseburger at Mickey D's.
Sheepyshoe: I was expecting something a bit more extreme, but still a decent read.
Personally I don't think you fucked up that much (if at all), just a string of shitty events leading to a shitty Halloween. It was her responsibility to tell you she had a boyfriend, not yours to find out, so don't beat yourself up about it :)
HalloweenFuckUp: At the risk of sounding pompous, I'm the kind of guy who respects others' relationships, so that's why I feel so bad about it.
But yeah, just a string of bad decisions. Should've gone trick-or-treating haha.
Sheepyshoe: No you don't sound pompous. Unless its pompous to be a respectable person ha! I would feel bad as well in your position.
HalloweenFuckUp: Thanks man, I appreciate it.
| 5 | 7.4 | |
1383415982 | 1383461537 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,253 | Nuke-The-Whales: TIFU by masturbating in my parent's bathroom
So this happened twenty minutes ago. I am emotionally and physically wounded.
My Dad headed out for a lunch with some friends, and my Mom tells me she's going for a manicure. I say goodbye and watch her pull out of the driveway, smiling from ear-to-ear.
The instant I shut the front door, I B-line for their washroom (detachable shower head). I have been living away for Grad school, the house I'm living in has an attached shower head, so needless to say I was excited. I throw my clothes on the floor, get the temperature just right and hop in.
In my overwhelming excitement, I forget to lock the bathroom door. Not that it mattered, no one was home . . .
I'm enjoying the jet setting and I'm about to orgasm when I hear, "My-Name, I forgot to ask if you wanna . . . **OH DEAR!!**" My Mom had double-backed to ask if I wanted to join her manicure session, but instead she walked in on me holding the shower head to my clit.
She screams and turns around awkwardly while I panic; instead of turning the shower off, I turn it to the hottest setting there is.
**"MY FUCKING VAGINA!!!"** echoes from the shower, down the hall, around the corner and into my mother's already damaged head.
So, here I am, holding a freezing cold wash cloth on my clit while dying from embarrassment waiting for my mother to get home from her manicure.
TL/DR: Masturbating with shower head, Mom walks in, I turn the knob to hot instead of off and burn my vagina.
**UPDATE**: I didn't get a chance to talk to my Mom until this afternoon. I decided to be mature and "confront" her about what she saw. I basically started with "I'm sorry you had to see that but hey, shit happens". My Mom laughed and said "don't worry about it, let's just forget it". I am back at my Grad-school house, so hopefully with a little distance, my mother will not be consistently reminded of this ordeal via my presence.
SoulOfGinger: >"MY FUCKING VAGINA!!!" echoes from the shower, down the hall, around the corner and into my mother's already damaged head.
I was with you up until this. This is like poorly written slapstick comedy. The ludicrousness of the phrasing isn't even the most unbelievable part. Ask yourself, whose natural reaction to being caught while masturbating with a detachable shower head is to keep the shower head pointed at their clit and reach for the knob? C'mon now.
Think about it this way. Not only did you have to continue to keep your lady parts stimulated during this sequence, you had to turn the knob, **wait** for the water to go hot, *then* keep hydrating your nether regions until you realized the water was hot.
As if that sequence wasn't ridiculous enough, you had to maintain your masturbatory pose long enough to actually burn yourself. Now, a little quick research on google will show you that the recommended hot water heater temperature is 120 F to avoid situations just like this. Most hot water heaters don't even go above 140 F. So, for the sake of argument, let's say your water heater was set at an unsafe temperature of 140 F. You would have had to continue to expose your "**FUCKING VAGINA!!!**" for an additional [five seconds](http://www.burnfoundation.org/programs/resource.cfm?c=1&a=3) in order scald it sufficiently.
In conclusion, you are either a masochist, or a liar.
*I actually think that you did get caught pummeling your bean in the shower, but, upon reflection while writing this, decided the story was simply too boring, and, needed to be embellished. There is no harm in a little exaggeration, but I would suggest trying a bit harder in the believability department.*
Nuke-The-Whales: That ludicrous phrasing is, indeed, how I talk. If you knew me, you would believe this without question.
When you panic, you don't think. I used my left hand to turn the knob, and turned it the wrong way, while I moved the hand with the shower head further away (not pointing in a completely different direction, I didn't have time to think, I just moved it).
I think you are reading a little too much into this. Nowhere did I say "I thus suffered second degree burns". When a shower head is on jet, pointing onto a sensitive area such as a clitoris, even going a BIT too hot can burn.
My skin is fine, I'm not deformed. It burned, I put a cold cloth on it to sooth it, that is all.
SoulOfGinger: No, a quick search of your history determines you are either a liar, or someone with an extremely inept understanding of physics. In another [questionable](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1kmr5t/tifu_by_turning_on_the_fan_during_sex/) TIFU story, you claim a fan was able to force air into your vagina.
Now, if this was say, an industrial blower *or* say a shop-vac on reverse pointed directly at your junk, this might be believable. But a bedroom fan? Just a regular bedroom fan? *sigh*
What is it going to be next month? TIFU and *insert fictional account of my vagina in a wacky situation*.
Nuke-The-Whales: I never said it CAUSED the queffing -- it certainly did not help.
As I stated in my previous post, I almost never "queef". The **extreme** and constant queefing that escaped my vagina on that night can only be explained by the COMBINATION of the "in and out" motion of sexual intercourse and the air blown by the fan.
That is my best guess as to why I had such extreme queefing which I have never experienced before, with this same partner.
If you would care to give me a better explanation as to why I have never queefed with this partner, then queefed uncontrollably when we put the fan on, then by all means, enlighten me.
SoulOfGinger: Ok. Find a room with a lock, a bed, and a fan. Disrobe, then lay in front of the fan spread eagle. Try to position yourself at a similar distance to the incident in question. Now, do you feel air entering your vagina at a sufficient force to overcome ambient pressure? Are the walls of your vagina giving way to the power of the bedroom fan? Are you feeling ridiculous yet?
I won't continue this. Your vehement denial and defensive literary posture indicate you are more than likely to double down on any other bullshit I call.
Have fun with your vagina fiction.
Nuke-The-Whales: I'm not sure why your attempt at proving me wrong doesn't include something **ENTERING MY VAGINA.**
I told you, I think it was a COMBINATION of the fan and the air he was already pumping into me. I said the fan made it worse, not that it CAUSED IT.
So your bit of fiction there doesn't conclude anything, nor does it prove me wrong.
SoulOfGinger: It doesn't have to, in order for the fan to contribute to air being forced into your vagina, it has to first overcome the ambient forces (the resistance of your vaginal walls to the force exerted by the fan). Regardless of whether of not someone is fucking you, if a fan can't force air into your vagina without a cock in it, it can't with one either.
Nuke-The-Whales: And yet with no fan at all, a dick entering a vagina can push enough air into it that after sex, a woman "queefs".
So if THAT is possible, you're telling me that with a fan on, which is producing more air, you reeeeaalllyy don't think that it could have added to the queefing of my vagina?
Believe what you will, but I'm sticking with my thought that the fan contributed to the excessive queefing.
SoulOfGinger: Yeah, it can, because the piston action of coitus **overcomes** the the ambient forces, in order for the fan to contribute, it would *also* have to overcome the ambient forces.
It is like strapping a bottle rocket onto an airplane and saying it made the plane go faster. The actual force exerted is so small proportionate to the jet engines any net gain in velocity is negligible.
Nuke-The-Whales: And so the piston action of coitus overcoming the ambient forces WHILE the fan is blowing can't increase the airflow entering my vagina?
If the ambient forces are already overcome due to a penis entering me, then it seems plausible for the fan air to enter me as well, thus adding to it.
SoulOfGinger: ...
One more time, I will try and explain this.
You "queef" because during the **out** thrust, the vacuum seal the vaginal walls create around the penis breaks, allowing air in, which, during the in thrust, escapes as a "queef". Now, in order for the fan to contribute to the amount of air in your vagina, it would have to overcome the ambient force of the vaginal walls against the ambient pressure of the atmosphere (15 psi). This action would have to occur during the out thrust in the time period the seal is broken. Unless the fan can overcome the ambient force the vaginal walls exert on the atmosphere, and "force" more air in by expanding the vaginal walls and creating a higher pressure than ambient (15 psi), then it cannot contribute to the "queef".
Now, the fan *does* contribute in a negligible way, hence the bottle rocket and airplane analogy. However, the amount is so minute in the open air of a bedroom (which allows the vast majority of the force to diffuse away from resistance), that it cannot possibly contribute to a "queefing" episode.
Arsenault185: You got downvoted to hell for this comment thread, but everything you say makes *perfect* sense. I'm with you here.
SoulOfGinger: Of course I did. I called out a woman who talks about her vagina.
This is reddit -- Vagina wins 10/10 times. Critical thinking doesn't stand a chance.
Arsenault185: Seriously, what were you thinking bringing in science and logic into a discussion about a girl masturbating?
SoulOfGinger: It was a brief moment of insanity. However, it was worth watching a woman try and defend her hypothesis on how a bedroom fan contributed her unusual bout a queefing.
It may have been one of the silliest arguments I have ever been part of, and was worth every karma point lost.
Arsenault185: Your logic was infallible. I was thinking the exact same thing. ambient air ~ 15 PSI . Dick going in ~100 PSI hmmmmmmm. Then this story, I saw it, and the first thing that ran through my head was "bullshit". Mom comes into bathroom, despite the fact its usually quite obvious its occupied. Then for whatever reason the door/curtain was open? Rarely if ever do you see anything but opaque stalls.
SoulOfGinger: I figured she would have easy excuses for those points (like when she claimed screaming "MY FUCKING VAGINA!!!" in that situation was normal for her), so I ignored them.
In hindsight I should have brought it all up to compound the amount of bullshit that was in that story.
| 18 | 69.611111 | |
1383423971 | 1383429818 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by lying to my girlfriend.
Well, it was really yesterday that I fucked up, but I had asked my girlfriend to help me with my homework (Like reminding me to do it and that stuff) and that helps for like a week, because I'm trying not to be lazy anymore, and after like a couple weeks, I say I did it like automatically yes, even if I didn't do it, and interim's came out on Friday, and I tell her my terrible grades and admit I was lying to her and lying is one of the worst things ever for her. I had her crying for like 4 hours and I feel like shit. She asks me to call her, and we talked after a lot of silence, and she seemed a lot happier than what she was when I got off of the phone, and today She's like super sad still and she went to a corn maze thing with her family today and I haven't talked to her since like 12. She said, she's not mad, just disappointed, and that she isn't gonna yell at me even though I said she could. and idk what to do to make up for it, but I'm gonna try anything dammit. She's like the best thing to happen to me. She's my world.
ckyxasg: It's okay. We all move past the 10th grade
Napuc: lol I'm not in tenth grade
Nuke-The-Whales: You'll make it to high school one day.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1383423947 | 1383494305 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | BornToBuffet: TIFU by proving how insecure I am to my girlfriend.
Actually, this wasn't today. It was Halloween night.
My gf is out of town, visiting friends and family. I admit, I've been both angsty and anxious about the whole thing. I guess I'm under a lot of pressure right now from work and school, so things have been getting to me. Irrational fears, etc. BUT, I've been outwardly "cool," telling the gf to have a great time on her trip, etc.
So, we're texting back and forth a little while before bed. I ask her if she's headed to stay with family member "x" the next day; no, she texts back, you're way ahead of schedule, BornToBuffet, that's Sunday. I text back, ha, no idea how I jumped that far ahead.
She texts this: "Yeah..."
And I flip out, for no reason other than I'm an insecure overreactor. I wait a few minutes, wait for some sort of addendum, but the text just came off as bitchy to me (as in, she seemed irked I didn't know her schedule). In a bit of a fit, I text this: "ha ha, you sound annoyed. It's no secret my memory is faulty sometimes..."
She texts back immediately, telling me she's not annoyed, she meant the "yeah..." facetiously, why would she expect me to memorize her itinerary, etc. I explain (lie) that I made the comment in as lighthearted a tone as possible, that I wasn't freaking out, sorry to cause her any concern.
Texting seems pretty normal since then, but now I'm fucking paranoid that I've turned her off...while she's across the continent. I haven't brought it up since and have been cool as ice with my texts, but considering we're still relatively new (3+ months), I just. Don't. Know.
I know it doesn't sound all that bad, but I just had to bounce it off you guys. But TIFU by letting my insecurities show through the facade. I really don't want to be "that guy," but now, I fear, I am.
TevaUSA: I don't know your girlfriend, but as a girl I would think she'd understand if you were still nervous about where you two stood together at this point. That's pretty natural.
As a person who worries a lot over everything for little to no reason, you need to address your fears (however small you think they are) *now* before they become an issue later. If you know you are insecure, you should wait until she comes home and have a decent conversation about it. I explained to my boyfriend that I get really worried about things some times and I try to deal with them on my own, but they aren't personal to him it's just in my nature. Since then he usually checks in with me to make sure I'm not wigging out about anything. It helps a **lot** not having to worry about now 'showing' your insecurities. Once your S/O knows about them, you can deal with them together; might even help you get a little closer and a lot more confident.
This wasn't much of a fuck-up, regardless, but I hope you use it as a growing experience nonetheless. Good luck. :)
BornToBuffet: Thanks for your thoughtful insight. Will help in the future.
TevaUSA: Any time.
| 4 | 1 | |
1383435443 | 1383440320 | null | t5_2to41 | 61 | HJGamer: TIFU by leaving porn on my moms desktop
Since my laptop is being repaired I'm currently using my mothers. Some weeks ago I found a nice porn video I wanted to upload to my little mediafire porn collection, so I downloaded it to her desktop. And then today, I found out that I didn't even delete it after I uploaded it, so it's been there for more than two weeks. I'm fucked.
Sheldan: I don't think you are that fucked, maybe if the title was explizit or the icon, but beside that, I think there might be a tiny chance, that she did not see it.
DrNavi: Or she watched it and enjoyed it
Bpriceonpluto: Oh god I would hope not.
| 4 | 15.25 | |
1383435780 | 1383446007 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | GSpiff: TIFU By telling my best friend how much I love her.
So my best friend is a lesbian, okay?. Today I decided that I was going to pass the time by drinking right? I decided to drink because usually when I drink (even though I barely drink) it lets me pass time as if my life is on fast forward, right now I'm just waiting for Monday. Well I got drunk once my parents and family were out (I'm not 21 by the way, but that I don't think I should matter) I decided that I was going to call her and apologize for what I did on Friday. (I did a shitty TIFU on that, too) I still feel shitty about it so today I called her and I apologized and basically, without getting into too much detail, I told her how much I love her and even though I was drunk I went back and forth about what I said and I looked at this really long text I sent her, and it was all the truth. I'm not sure how to feel right now. I finally told her how I felt, but I knew what she was going to say. She worries about my mental health just about every day and I have been worrying for her safety since August. Its like the movie Chasing Amy, but we haven't had sex, my best friend isn't gay for me, and me and my friend haven't been anything other than friends. I'm glad I did it though, being drunk gave me the will to say what I wanted to say, but I don't think I said it the way I should have. I'm afraid now because ill have to see her Monday, and try to explain it in person.
TL;DR Got drunk while my family wasn't home, called my lesbian best friend and told her how much I love her.
sickaduck: Lacklusterest TIFU of the week right here
GSpiff: All my posts are absolute shit, but I'm glad someone commented. Thanks for reading.
| 3 | 4 | |
1383440316 | 1383448798 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | Mr_Mech: TIFU by telling my friend that she shouldn't work with customers
Okay, a bit of backstory, both my friend and I need to get out of our houses. My mother is running me broke (and I can't say no, or I'll be homeless), and her mom is causing her to have stress-related seizures.
So, while talking...well, ranting to her a few months ago, I was saying that I was looking for an apartment, and she told me that she wanted to come with, and split the rent. But neither of us had a job, which would help with nothing. After a while, I got an overnight job at a Walmart, stocking the shelves and making a decent $9.65 an hour. I decided to help my friend get a job there, but knowing her, her people skills are lacking, allowing her to fail the application assessment (She answered honestly, like...you don't do that). During the 60 days she had to wait, we applied to a Target that was newly opened. They called today, and after a bit of pleading, I convinced them to give her a call. This is how it went down (She was on speaker).
**Target Human Personnel**: Hi! Is this Mr_Mech's friend I'm speaking with I'm speaking with?
**Friend**: Yes, this is her.
**THP**: Well, your friend Mr_Mech wanted us to call you, so that we could hopefully get an interview. May I ask what position you're applying for?
**Friend**: Stocker...without customers.
**Me** (Storming of to another room): OH MY GOD YOU STUPID BITCH.
**THP**: Oh...well, we'll see if we can pencil you in, we'll contact you by mail or phone call, letting you know if we have anything.
**Friend** (Sounding dejected): Okay, thanks for the call.
Okay, maybe I shouldn't have yelled that she was a stupid bitch, but it was my fault for continuously telling her that I'd put her in the back room to avoid customers, it turns out that she doesn't think when she's under pressure, so I'm currently teaching her how to lie to get a job. Luckily for her, she was able to reapply to Walmart, and I took the app assessment, so she's clear on that one, my manager is aware of her antics, so she should be good for the job.
tl;dr Helped my friend get a job, she fucked up because I fucked up and filled her head with bad thoughts.
[deleted]: Stress-related seizures? What?
Mr_Mech: I didn't even know it was a thing until she told me. Apparently she has had three seizures related to stress from her parents, school, and other things.
[deleted]: Perhaps a visit to the doctor is in order.
Mr_Mech: It's been a few years since it's happened, though since she told me, I've been around her a lot more than usual. Part of the reason I'm happy she decided to move in with me.
| 5 | 2 | |
1383447138 | 1383449199 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | SopwithCamel95: TIFU by telling this guy I just met that one of my best friends slept with his previous girlfriend of two-and-a-half years.
So, I was hanging out with some friends tonight. We were eating Ramen at this restaurant near the university we all attend. This friend of a friend, we'll call him "John" joined us. He mentioned that he grew up in the same city I did. After some talk, I told him my high school, and he said he dated someone there. Now, I'm half-asleep and frazzled from studying. I'm not thinking about what I'm saying. I proceeded to tell him that my best friend had slept with his ex-girlfriend a couple months ago. Needless to say, he didn't take it well. After trying to convince him it was someone else, he got up and left the restaurant, and one of my friends ran after him. I had already realized at this point how stupid it was to say what I said. It is the most stupidest thing I have ever said. To make matters worse, there's a girl I have a thing with in the friend group. We're not dating, but we're more than friends, so to speak. She texts me "you should probably go, tbh". So I went and got my stuff from another friend's room (the friend who ran after John). She tries to tell me that it wasn't that bad, and that John wasn't mad at me. Before I leave, I take John aside and apologize. He accepts, and says that he's not mad, but very hurt. He too calls it "the stupidest thing he's ever heard someone said". After that, I left, biting my fist. I have bad social anxiety, and i am afraid of hurting people, so this was just the worst thing that could have happened. Fuck.
Cgkfox: I can't believe they said it would be better for you to leave because of that. Sure, it wasn't the smartest thing to say, but come on, move on. That guy sounds over-sensitive and maybe he shouldn't be out socializing if that is the kind of thing that will miff him. Oh and I think you shouldn't keep pursuing that girl, she kind of sounds like she is enabling mr sensitive. How long ago did they break up? Did you say: "Oh, yeah, my friend fucked your ex silly" or did you just say, "Hey, I think my friend had relations with your ex"?
SopwithCamel95: They broke up "not-too-recent" as he said. Honestly, I left because I was tired and needed to study, in addition to the anxiousness I was feeling. I said it in a gleeful way, like it was a joke. I don't know why. I thought it would be good conversation!
Cgkfox: Life is too short to worry about social follies. I still cringe about some of my TIFUs but my life is better leaving stupid drama to those who actually care about it. In other words, keep studying and there will be ample opportunity to fuck up again some other time. It happens to everyone, even the guy who shit in his hand will probably do something stupid again in the next year. We are only human.
SopwithCamel95: Thanks. I needed to hear that.
| 5 | 4.6 | |
1383449622 | 1383515807 | null | t5_2to41 | 120 | cameronsv: TIFU By Giving Away My Old Magazines
I had a box of around 200 kids magazines that has been sitting in my closet at parent's house for years. I decided to give it away to friends of my parents who have young children. In high school I hid condoms, rolling papers, and lighters in the bottom of the box. I completely forgot. Now I will wait for my parents to call me.
Franco_DeMayo: If you don't get that call, you can take solace in the fact that thanks to you there are young children who are ready to fuck and smoke weed.
coveritwithgas: You could say that to any parent of teenagers as well.
Franco_DeMayo: I like to think teenagers have a natural inclination to fucking and smoking weed.
mike117: Can confirm, was a teenager.
arandomkerbonaut: Most people are, but I was born 23 years old.
| 6 | 20 | |
1383446823 | 1383452479 | null | t5_2to41 | 52 | 2High2Fuck: TIFU By taking a single bong hit
So last night I was invited to a party and the plan was to pre-game at an acquaintance's house. When I get to the pre-game house I know only 2 out of the 6 people and I don't even know those two all that well. Whatever, doesn't phase me at this point.
After a while we decide to start taking hits from the bong. I'm not a super-stoner but I've smoked pot a moderate amount of times and have never had a terrible reaction. So I go to take my hit and I take literally the biggest hit I've ever taken, just on accident. Of course I start hacking up a storm, but there's another sensation that's new to me. I feel like there's something stuck in the back of my throat, and it's making me dry heave. I kind of meander my way to the bathroom to save some face, but the gagging won't go away. At this point the high hits me, and it hits me like a fucking train. I've never been SO high SO fast and I start to panic because of how incredibly sick and high I feel.. Around people I barely know.. At the beginning of the night.
At this point I went to sit on the couch and chug some water. The choking/gagging sensation doesn't go away though, I'm pretty sure I was sitting on the couch heaving like a cat with a hair ball.
I barely remember this part but I'm pretty sure I got up and went to try to throw up in the bathroom. I don't think I managed that though and just dry heaved more.
Everyone else at the party seems completely fine. Maybe a bit high, but no where near the level I was. I end up back on the couch and by this point I know I'm so fucked up that there's no way I'll get through the rest of the night and I just need to leave. I am somehow able to text a friend to come pick me up and manage to coherently explain where I am.
I awkwardly explain to the host that I am so fucked up after only on hit and only arriving to pre-game like an hour prior that I need to leave and my friend picks me up and brings me home soon after. Obviously I never make it to the actual party.
Anyways, I'm embarrassed on multiple levels and just feel so shitty about the whole situation. And well, misery loves company, so does anyone have any embarrassing high stories they want to share so I feel a little less shitty about my own?
wildwafle: You should make a short consise cross post to /r/AskReddit, I'd kill to see a good awkward stoner moment thread
2High2Fuck: Made: http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1psjfp/stoners_of_reddit_what_are_your_most_awkward_high/
| 3 | 17.333333 | |
1383449117 | 1383521523 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | phobophobia: TIFU but drinking an entire pitcher of margarita and two four lokos before going to the bar.
(TLDR at the end.)
Today I thought it would be a great idea to drink a pitcher of margarita in one sitting while I was at a restaurant that my friends and I frequent. It's kind of a "rite of passage" because it has high alcohol content and it's frozen like a slushie so you have to deal with brain freeze. I thought I was going to be a big dog today and take it down. The good news is, mission accomplished. The bad news is later on.
I was so full of piss and vinegar, because I was drunk, that I decided it would be a good idea to drink the two four lokos that were in my refrigerator. At this point is when my memory is starting to become shaky. We get to the bar and my friend order us all double shots of tequila. No big deal. I order all of us another double shot of tequila. No big deal. I am only highly drunk at this point in time. This is when I should stop.
I did not stop. I enjoy black russians (vodka+kahlua) but the bar didn't have them regular so I told them how to make it and they charged me for 2 shots of both vodka and kahlua. My drink was 18 dollars a piece and I didn't realize it. I ordered another and started buying shots for the girl sitting next to me.
At this point I am blacked out. My friends filled me in here.
I went to the VIP area of the bar and decided to take a nap. At this point the bouncers threw me out and I decided to lay down in the parking lot next to my friend's car who had just arrived to take me home. I am too large for him to life. He goes through hell trying to get me into his car. After he finally gets me home I go into the bathroom, jump into the bath tub and fall asleep.
Now the part I remember.
I wake up.
I go in the bathroom to throw up.
There is shit everywhere. On the toilet seat. In the bathtub. On the bathtub. Outside of the bathtub. On the floor.
Apparently I had to furiously shit and the only thing I can think is that I had a hard time getting out of the bathtub in a prone position and I had to shit so I just pulled down my pants and let loose. The strangest thing is that I had no shit on any of my clothes at all.
I cleaned it up. I knew it was me. No questions asked.
I walked into the living room and find my wallet with a receipt sitting on top of it on the coffee table. I'm thinking "At least I didn't spend 150 dollars at the bar."
I spent 120 dollars at the bar. My friends decided to leave a 30 dollar tip on my behalf. I did spend 150 dollars at the bar.
TIFU.
TL;DR: Got more drunk than I could handle and shit all over the bathroom while blacked out.
adisolda: Holy shit thats a lot of alcohol. My roommate puked from 2 four lokos alone. Props to you
LegendaryPrimate: Four Loko changed their recipe after a bunch of college kids in Washington State nearly died drinking them. It's much lower alcohol content now.
phobophobia: It has always been 12% in ohio.
adisolda: Same in Georgia. The only thing I think they did was take the caffeine out
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1383454364 | 1383587643 | null | t5_2to41 | 103 | AhrmiintheUnseen: TIFU by asking a fat lady if she was pregnant
This actually happened a few years ago, but whatever.
I was working at a store behind the counter, and this rather large woman, who I thought to be pregnant since her bf/husband was there and rubbing her belly, comes to the counter to buy some things. I scan them through, and while doing so try to make some idle conversation. I'm not too good at conversation in general, but I try my best. I open with "When are you due?". The woman and her bf/husband look at me with the widest eyes and mouth I have ever seen anyone have. "I'm not fucking pregnant you dumb c*nt!"
I quickly get their items for them, they pay and leave. Get fired when my manager finds out.
TL;DR ask lady when baby is due, she isn't pregnant, get fired
FreeTheBoobies: Really? You got fired for that? Shitty boss then.
AhrmiintheUnseen: Apparently she complained directly to him. That's how he found it. But I was already on a bit of thin ice
pringlepringle: fat people ruining everyone's lives again
AhrmiintheUnseen: If she were in my position she would've fallen through the ice to begin with
SenketsuDrew: I'm dying
| 6 | 17.166667 | |
1383456858 | 1383543594 | null | t5_2to41 | 89 | CouchEnthusiast: TIFU by accidentally "tear gassing" my roommates birthday party with tequila and a habanero pepper
So last night my longtime friend and roommate threw a party for both Halloween and his birthday, and we had probably 60 or so people crammed into the house we're renting.
After ~~a few~~ many shots of tequila, I decided that I would try my hand at making some kind of tequila cocktail. I mixed tequila with some grapefruit Perrier and decided that to top it off, I was going to break open a habanero pepper I had laying around and drop it in because I like spicy food, and apparently tequila isn't already harsh enough to drink.
So I drop this pepper in my drink and immediately notice that something is wrong. Everyone around me is coughing and sneezing and I quickly realized that instead of creating a awesome spicy tequila cocktail like I planned, I have created a chemical weapon in my kitchen.
After a few seconds of me going OHSHITOHSHITOHSHIT, my drunken brain decided that the best way to dispose of this bubbling shitstorm is to drink it. So I bring the glass to my mouth and immediately inhale the concentrated habanero vapor causing me to cough and spew my drink all over the sink, further worsening the situation. By now pretty much everyone on the main floor of the house is coughing and wondering what the fuck is going on, so I ditch the drink down the drain and retreat upstairs to my room as fast as a plastered man in tights and fuzzy pink slippers can (I was dressed up as Mermaid Man).
By the time everything was over the could of vapor had apparently spread all the way from the main floor to the basement and everyone was thoroughly confused. I thought it was pretty fucking hilarious, but nobody else seemed to.
Moral of the story: stay away from tequila kids.
AtariiXV: Chemists of Reddit what exactly happened here?
volcomsk8er720: When he put the pepper in the alcohol began to dissolve it, which would release the acids within the pepper in a gaseous form.
AtariiXV: Ahh so what made the acids gaseous though is that just part of the reaction? Sorry I'm not well versed In chemistry
volcomsk8er720: Yeah the gases were released as the alcohol broke the pepper down. Same thing would probably happen if you jumped it in some hydrochloric acid.
| 5 | 17.8 | |
1383459603 | 1383518450 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | deadmedium: TIFU by falling asleep in class
Okay so to start this off i dont usually fall asleep in class but you know theres not much else to do besides play minesweeper in your head. anyway it was a warm thursday school day (i remember because it was Terrific Tuesdays in my math class). anyway, i was chilling in math class and i finished early so im like, hey might as well do some homework that i havent done yet. so i finished my homework in math class, no big deal right? wrong. i had nothing else to do in my other classes. so computer education rolled up and BAM!
free day.
and im like omg i wasted so much time, i coudve done my homework now. i look around and everyone else is sleeping. i figure i should sleep too to blend in (i dont believe in not blending in)
anyway so like i said this was the first time i ever fell asleep in class and when i woke up, everyone was staring at me and pointing and laughing and the teacher was throwing paper wads at me saying "hey sport you got some z's above your head"
ive nevr been so embarrassed in my life, exept then i woke up for real and the bell had already rang and i was late for PE, my favorite class.
but after that day and that dream ive never been able to sleep in class again, but i feel like people already expect me to, like ive got a reputation to uphold. so every day i lay my head down and pretend to sleep for up to 20 minutes in every class. its awful.
tl;dr im addicted to pretending to fall asleep because of bad dream.
boomerangblom: Can you abbreviate all the harry potter novels for me into a paragraph with no punctuation?
deadmedium: HPatSSHPatCoSHPoAHPatGoFHPatOotPHPatHBPHPatDH
boomerangblom: Neat
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1383460539 | 1383686675 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | staintrain: TIFU by letting a customer get a douched "literally" by a two liter of sprite.
OK so get to work (liquor clerk) and I'm told my boss got just transfered. This is a bad thing. I have a second job DJ'n and my current schedule was so money.
So I am working hard stocking and getting bummed. Hoping the Karma Police would fix things.
Suddenly...
I see a customer drop a 2 litter of Sprite off a five foot rack.
I could have been sharp and quickly exchanged the 2 liter. But there was a line and I was in the middle of a transaction.
So this guy has like 5 bottles in his hands and I am almost done ringing up a fine early fourty's dame. She is rocking a top notch deep red wool coat and a long fashionable fall dress.
I see captain awkward try to place his booze and shaken up 2 liter on the counter and erhh mah gawd I see him start to fumble.
The 2 liter somehow, out of an act from God, lands between the dames legs.
Eruption.
First thing I say is.
"That...was...Awesome" (Old School Style)
Thankfully I live in a chill city so nobody freaked out. The Clutz was apologetic. The Dame was stunned. I was smiling.
The security video is sick. Had to watch it like 5 times. The 2 liter of Sprite erupted directly under her. Could go viral with the video but I love my job too much.
TLDR: Dude at my liquor store delivered a 2 Liter of Sprite, Crotch Explosion.
AtariiXV: Security vid clip or it didn't happen
staintrain: I will get the video. Clean and blur it. OP will deliver.
bad-tipper: saved
Myanex: /r/karmacourt shall have OP's head otherwise. We hereby give him 24 hours to deliver.
staintrain: Fantastic. Now I have the actual Karma Police after me. Give me a little more time. I really can't compromise my job so I need to really scrape the video. It will be posted and I really don't want to be decapitated on Reddit. >/r/karmacourt shall have OP's head otherwise. We hereby give him 24 hours to deliver.
Myanex: need space after: (>) *formatting help help*
| 7 | 2.285714 | |
1383460834 | 1383581269 | null | t5_2to41 | 138 | ontimebrah: TIFU by making the hot, single girl house sitting my neighbours place think i am a violent, and abusive human being.
Ill start out by saying that my brother and i have a pretty retarded sense of humour ever since watching its always sunny in philadelphia...
anyway, we could hear our neighbours out in the front yard, and we get along with them pretty well so we decided to do something funny as fuck.
my brother revved our piece of shit 50cc scooter to like 60ks an hour in the back yard and went flying out the garage door with no helmet, closely followed by me piss bolting after him, wielding a machete yelling "ill cut you cunt, dont steal my scooter you fucking rat...." all the way up the street. i stop running because im laughing so hard and casually walk back down the street to my house holding a machete, this is when i spot some brunette stunner getting the keys to the house next door from my neighbours while they all look at me so fucking puzzled and weirded out.
my brother comes back thru the garage like a minute later and we both lose it laughing not realising that she was house sitting for a week.
at dinner, dad comes in and tells me the whole story of how she is 21, single, and house sitting for the week and apparently really nice which is when i realise that even if i were to throw a basketball over the fence "accidentally" so i can go over, she probably wont even open the front door.
TLDR: chase brother down the street with a machete in an elaborate joke to the horror of the hot brunette house sitting next door. and my dad has more game than me hahahahaha
ontimebrah: i still maintain that the humor in the moment was way better than the beautiful life we were destined to live together. also, "cunt" in australia is an acceptable word
etakate: Tell her about the joke, great way to break the ice, mention always sunny inspired you and now you have an activity to do alone together.
TheChosenPun: As an American who has only watched a couple of episodes of Always Sunny I find what you did funny. I agree with the above comment that your prank and perhaps a humble apology give you a starting point for conversation.
kuavi: If I were her, I wouldn't believe you, sorry to say.
| 5 | 27.6 | |
1383446700 | 1383480551 | null | t5_2to41 | 42 | MissKensington: TIFU by talking to my boss on the phone.
Small fuckup, but I still feel like a giant idiot.
I work at a small coffee shop somewhere in Germany. We have a policy at work that requires you to call your superior if there is a difference of 10 bucks or more in the cash register after we close down. So today, I was working late shift, and voila: a difference of 10 precisely. So I count out the 100 that go back into the register in small bills and coins, call my boss, put the bills into the register...and close it without putting the coins back in. There is this awkward moment in between me realizing what I just did and the fact that the only one having a key to the register is - my boss. "Ermh, there isn't any other way to open the register except with your key right?" She immediately realizes that I just effectively locked the coins out of the register until Monday and starts laughing at me while I am standing there, facepalming. She then tells me not to worry and put the coins into the safe and that she'll just put them back into the register Monday morning.
So I put down the phone only to realize that the whole plastic box we keep the coins in won't fit into the safe because tiny shop = tiny safe. So there I am, putting the coins into small cardboard espresso-to-go-cups and storing them in the safe one by one. I'm waiting for my boss to call me Monday morning laughing her ass off. I'm not the smartest cat.
Tl, dr: Somewhere in Germany, there is a tiny safe in a tiny shop where tiny coins are stored in tiny to-go-cups.
pringlepringle: not tifu enough.
plz poop in the safe.
MissKensington: Note to self: borrow dog from homeless man in front of cafe. Let dog shit in safe. Get homeless man a coffee.
| 3 | 14 | |
1383475586 | 1383496769 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | spicyfishtacos: TIFU by accidently dropping my husband's Ipad off the balcony
I was shaking out the comforter and unbenounced to mt the Ipad was inside. It fell onto the concrete below. I still wasn't aware, I asked a group of people moving across the street and they confirmed that something dropped out - then some people must have taken it because it's not outside anymore. He screamed at me and stormed off and now I feel horrible. He's supporting me at the moment so I have no money to buy a new one with.
TevaUSA: To be honest... Who leaves an iPad in a comforter? I don't think anyone would really check for it because that's not generally where you leave those sorts of things. Sounds more like he fucked up than you.
spicyfishtacos: No I left it there! I was reading Reddit after waking up. I put it down and forgot it was there! I totally fucked up today.
TevaUSA: Ahhh... Time to do some serious schmoozing.
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1383486428 | 1383621778 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | Miller8323: Dog Lost my Gopro
My dog Bess has a stick she loves to pick up and bring back when i throw it in the river so i drilled a hole through one side of it and screwed on my gopro using and attachment i bought on ebay , anyway i tested it in the river first and it floated and that was cool so i took her of the lead and threw the stick in whilst it was recording and it sat there in the water floating i then gave the command of fetch to Bess and she jumped off the rocks into the water and swam over to it and knocked the stick with her paw and the stick went under the water. I thought that it would just pop up and she circled the spot for a bit but it never did and it sank. So yeah my new $400 gopro just sank in the river. I want to go see if i can get it , but i dont know how deep it is and the river is very dirty heaps of rubbish and stuff in it. The river is the maribyrnong by the way if anyone was wondering .
Edit:
went down this morning and swam around the spot for about 45 min, found the gopro :) battery was dead however still got 20 min of footage . here is a image of after it was knocked and started to sink
http://imgur.com/WLjWz0U
imnotarapperok: OP, could you post the video on YouTube or something? That would be interesting.
Miller8323: i dont really want to upload 20 plus minutes of footage... plus that will take a heap of time since the vids high quality . i can send you printscreens if you like
imnotarapperok: Sure! It would be interesting to see.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1383491136 | 1383493126 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | ArtooDeeStu: TIFU by falling asleep on the beach
Had a lovely day with my girlfriend and her friends, we drove down the south coast (aus) and spent some time down there.
Now, my friends think I may have some form of mild narcolepsy, and promptly fell asleep on the beach(awesome!)
Woke up, nicely rested and drove back home. Later Looked at the back of my legs, and oh man. Burnt. :(
[Not fun](http://imgur.com/bP7Wz5n)
Yeah. IFU
soopninjas: Aloe, lots and lots of aloe.
ArtooDeeStu: Yah, got me some aloe, stuff is amzing
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1383470901 | 1383495258 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | cas_a_nova: TIFU because of sleepwalking
TIFU.
I met this very hot guy (nb. I'm also a guy) at the club. A gorgeous 6" Australian flight attendant. We really got along well - too well, perhaps. I didn't realise the time until he checked his watch and said it was 3.40am.
We decide to go back to the hotel that his employer had rented for him - a really nice place in the centre of town. Sexy times ensue.
It's a classy hotel, too. Great views of the river; linen that you're tempted to steel.
We're sleeping it off and... I have this incredibly vivid dream that I need to pee terribly. In my dream I am trying so hard to find the bathroom.
And then I woke up.
Completely naked, in the hotel hallway. My dream was correct - I definitely was in dire need of the bathroom. Unfortunately, I could not remember for the life of me which hotel room I had stumbled out of.
Incredibly confused, freaking out, and naked, I go from door to door trying all the handles hoping that the relevant room is unlocked.
After trying about 15 rooms, finally! Success! The door opens!
Except... it's the wrong room. I make eye contact with a business man doing up his tie - my head poking around the door he was not aware of my predicament - and mutter a "sorrywrongroom" apology.
I retire to the garbage shoot to evaluate the situation. What am I supposed to do?
Finally, I hear another door open. I decide there's nothing for it. Hand-on-crotch, I step out and say, "Excuse me." I explain my predicament and they provide me with a towel and telephone reception.
The receptionist was an absolute doll. I tell her, "This was a total one night stand. I have no idea what his name was. All I know is that he works for an airline and his hotel booking is for several weeks."
This was enough to narrow it down to two rooms on that level (hoping I hadn't managed the lift while asleep).
We try the first option and - success - I see my pants in the corner. I signal to the receptionist *we did it* and she gives me the thumbs up.
She leans over and whispers in my ear, "His name's Dean" before closing the door.
I peed, slipped back into bed and never mentioned a word of my fuck up to my host.
EDIT FOR EXTRA DETAIL: I relieved myself down the hotel garbage shoot. I lied when I said I did it after I was allowed entry into the hotel room because I was actually too embarrassed to admit it to reddit.
TL;DR - Don't forget your towel
TevaUSA: This was great. And there was a HHGTTG reference. I hope you can laugh at this some day. ~~^I ^already ^am~~
Reads_Small_Text_Bot: > I already am
Makes_Small_Text_Bot: ^(I already am)
Eats_Small_Text_Bot: ^*nom*
| 5 | 5.2 | |
1383497907 | 1383750865 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | IloveThrowItAway: TIFU (Well technically Friday) by telling my girlfriend I thought I loved her.
Well me and my girlfriend have been together for about a week and a half now on a trial basis (we've been friends for a while, and I wanted to try it, so she said we could try it for a month to see if we were "compatible"). Well, we were making out on Friday, and I said something I thought would be romantic.
>I want to say I love you, but I think that it's too soon to say that.
She didn't really react poorly at the time, but, she did get pretty mad at me later. She isn't ready to say the same. Not even close.I don't know what I was thinking.
Wow. Am I dumb.
bluntbangs: I don't know how old you are, but you'll learn soon enough that love is a word that shouldn't be used unless you're absolutely certain of it - even if someone says it to you first.
But when you and your love first say those words to each other, when you're both certain that it's true, it's the most magical thing in the world :)
[deleted]: It'll be used anyway. Love is stupid.
SenketsuDrew: datpeacemaker? with no love? Legit.
[deleted]: wot m8
SenketsuDrew: because love leads to not peace 9 times out of 10
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1383492985 | 1383627227 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | amongstheliving: TIFU... by walking into the room while my parents were having sex
I never thought I'd fucking say this. but now my innocent mind is scarred
I was sitting in the living room with my puppy, watching some Sunday morning talk show. She's sitting there, gnawing on her bone, when suddenly the television begins blaring. I freak out, thinking she was actually chewing on the remote and I frantically run over to her. She's confused because the television is so loud and I'm running around looking for the remote.
I think, somehow, that my parents, in their room (yea, I'm 23 and live at home. cheap rent ftw), have the wrong remote. I knock on their door and open it, yelling "where it's the remote!!" over the fucking insanely loud commercials--especially since we all know commercials get three times louder than the actual show.
yep. My dad is on top of my mom. I shut the door, and still search for the remote, but now I'm shaking. "it'll be okay, it's not that big of a deal" I tell myself. If only I knew what I'd feel like when the adrenaline left
Good news is that my dad found the remote. My ears still ring and my eyes are burning with almost spilled tears
tl;dr never look for a remote begins a closed door. parents making whoopie in missionary plagues my mind
lostdeceiver: Has happened to me *many* times before. I am scarred for life.
amongstheliving: *many*? \*shudders*
lostdeceiver: Unfortunately.
kuavi: How did you not figure out to avoid the room after the first three times?
lostdeceiver: Sometimes they were in the bathroom and there wasn't any noise coming from inside...
kuavi: Well that's a little sneaky of them than.
| 7 | 4.428571 | |
1383503496 | 1383543761 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,040 | [deleted]: TIFU by disrespecting the US in a theater full of servicemen.
So I'm in the Army, and today after a very long week full of typical bullshit (don't get me wrong, I love my job but it has its shitty parts), I decided to go see Ender's Game at the on-post movie theater.
Now, at theaters on Army bases the National Anthem typically plays before the film during which everyone stands and salutes if in uniform.
Being tired from this week, and having showed up about 20 minutes early I happened to fall asleep. Lucky me, I was woken up in time for the movie...by my company commander who happened to be a row in front of me, during the middle of the Anthem. Right as I was snoring like a motherfucker.
Cue everyone staring at me. Oops.
Leterren: Look on the bright side, at least you can spell "cue" right. That's a rare talent
compacta_d: Queue?
FoxtrotZero: Cue as in an indication to do something.
Queue as in the British equivalent of lining up.
compacta_d: I was just being silly. I know what queue is.
Not commonly used in America.
FoxtrotZero: No, it's not. Not sure why we can't say things like queue, but I've tried and nobody understands British.
illegiblevincent: No one understands British English; right sure.
This comment from someone in a country that still uses the Imperial Measurement System?
FoxtrotZero: Well the comment was specific to an audience, and implies that nobody in *this* country understands ~~British~~ proper English.
illegiblevincent: [Response](http://imgur.com/MZj6h32)
f0rmality: how perfect. I could never understand why the americans use the imperial system, it's the stupidest thing, and something they're going to fight tooth and nail to keep. stubborn twats
bigfatround0: Your edginess cut me deep.
| 11 | 94.545455 | |
1383449960 | 1383516081 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | mulvahlok: TIFU: By working out while having food poisoning.
I knew I was sick, but I'm seeing my Girlfriend in a few weeks and after being apart for a couple of months I really wanted to look my best for her. So I was determined to keep up my routine.
I was sitting there, straining away. Huffing, grunting and urging myself on. *One more* I thought. *Just one more, I can do this.* Unbeknown to me, that one more resulted in a plethora of drizzling feculence erupting from my ass, bolting a good 2 feet across the room like a brown murky sound wave. A malodorous odor crept into every corner of the Gym as I toddled out of there as fast as I can with my hand clenched to my ass like an iron grapnel.
Edit: Grandmar
TrooperDawga: Oh man. I had food poisoning a few weeks ago and I was terrified of this happening. I got sick from undercooked chicken. I go to the gym a lot so I know what you mean about not wanting to screw up your routine. But on the plus side…maybe your girlfriend will like the story. Maybe?
mulvahlok: I think I'll try and suppress this memory and pretend it never happened instead, haha.
WeAppreciateYou: > I think I'll try and suppress this memory and pretend it never happened instead, haha.
Wow. I really think that sheds light on the subject.
I sincerely hope you have a great day.
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1383513394 | 1383605891 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | Chancholoraq: IFU one year ago by cutting off a piece of my penis.
Ok.
Three months had passed since I had pricked my pubes, which had now flourished into a curly mane of mass proportions.
I make my way to the toilet, locking the door, getting my scissors, and start trimming away.
As I start from down under, making my way over the hills and up the tree trunk, I notice that there are some strands growing a quarter up my shaft; I tread lightly and take my time cutting each individual hai-
***"CHANCH. GET OUT I NEED TO GO RIGHT NOW."***
I had met some resistance when snipping, but my fright made my cut slice through with ease, a significant sliver of foreskin.
You know when you fold a piece of paper so you can cut a shape in the middle without needing to start from the edges? and how any cut you make will double in size since you're essentially cutting two pieces of paper?
Yeah, I made a triangle out of my foreskin.
Going into a frightened Zen state of mind, I took the necessary steps to reduce the bleeding without fucking up any more than what I had just done.
I let it scab a bit since the bleeding wasn't too bad, shooing my sister away from the bathroom telling her to use the one downstairs, then I applied some neosporin/mini circle band-aid.
Since then, it healed very quickly considering all the blood that goes down there and it only left an insignificant isosceles triangle scar. And no, I did not keep the triangle.
There are many adventures of my member from the regions of nether, but I'll only share if the community is willing to know/willing to cringe.
Predicts_Circlejerk: Get circumcised you so it won't happen again to your ugly dick.
mugunzai: as opposed to what?
pretty dicks?
._.
Predicts_Circlejerk: As opposed to a circumcised dick that doesn't automatically look gross and weird unlike an uncircumcised dick that does look gross and weird.
mugunzai: I guess you would be the expert on this subject, as suggested by your username.
| 5 | 5.4 | |
1383520523 | 1383575218 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | l0rdishtar: TIFU by having an ecstasy pill testing kit sent to my work address
Chrome autofill populated the order form and I didn't catch it until the e-receipt arrived. Hopefully they use discreet packaging, but this sucks.
Brimshae: Hey, if you've got kids, easy way to get out of that.
l0rdishtar: I have no kids and everyone on my team knows it. But good thinking!
Brimshae: Yeah well just remember, "It's for a friend" never works. ;-)
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1383528472 | 1383985134 | null | t5_2to41 | 151 | [deleted]: TIFU and came so hard i pooped
Quite literally got the shit fucked out of me.
Badnewsbearattack: 23/F and no he did not find out.
kingzombymandias: How does he not find out?
Badnewsbearattack: This is kinda gross but I just caught it in my hand and held it until it was over then went to the bathroom.
Fgmaniac: He probably found out, but just didn't want to seem rude.
Don't worry though, he'll probably use it as a comeback in the future;
>Come any closer and I'll quite literally fuck the shit out of your mother, then laugh as she tries to shove it back up her arse so I can fuck it back out again. Shit, it wouldn't even be the first time I've done that!
Badnewsbearattack: In my mind he will forever not know this happened multiple times
JJdaJet: Multiple times?
Bladewing10: Sounds like OP has another story to tell... Please go on...
Badnewsbearattack: The same exact story has happened more than once. Cum so hard I poop, secretly catch the tiny poop, wait till we're done then dispose of said poop.
OceanRacoon: Does it feel good? Also, that's a real shame your boyf doesn't know, he'd be so proud and have a great story for every bar he went to.
Badnewsbearattack: Hahaha he wasn't my boyfriend, just fuck body, so I am even less inclined to let him know about these things. But I'm sure he would love telling his friends that he fucked the shit out of me.
xm1337: Maybe you should just poop beforehand.
Badnewsbearattack: I try, but since it's just be a tiny bit of poop, even if I poop before, sometimes it still happens.
| 13 | 11.615385 |
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