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value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1383533526 | 1383534891 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | T_shick85: TIFU by breaking my boss's Mustang against my Parents's warnings.
Well for starters, let me explain the situation. I'm a 17 year old highschool student that has been working at Wendy's for around 8 months. I've grown kind of close to my one manager (we have 4) and we kinda serve as each other's sanity because working fast food everyday puts a lot of stress on a person.
Well anyhow, this manager, we'll call him Jay, has a 2012 Ford Mustang Club of America edition. It has all the bells and whistles from traction control to heads up displays and all that. Real nice. Well Jay often let's me drive his hot ride and sometimes uses it as a bribing tool to get me to come in on my day off and work for him. This was one of those days
Jay sends me a text at 11 in the morning and asks me if I want to work a 12 to 2 for him. I reply back and say that I am already working a 5-1:40 a.m. He then says that if I work 12-2 I can take his Mustang home with me, as long as I fill it up first. I of course oblige and show up and work my 12-2 and he hands me the keys and his gold American Express and reminds me to fill it up. I was on cloud 9 as I walked out of Wendy's and got into my boss's slick black vehicle. I fill it up as he asked and take it home with me. I quickly call my friend and say "hey man I got my boss's car wanna go to Dairy Queen?" He of course does and I pick him up and were on our way.
A bridge is out along the route to our destination. No big deal I thought as I pulled into a nearby parking lot to turn around when all of the sudden KERPLUNK KERPLUNK! What the fuck was that? I look behind me and I see a huge rock, about half the size of a cinder block through my rear view mirror. Normally that wouldn't be that big of a deal but this is a Mustang and it does sit very low to the ground. I quickly stop and check out the underside of the car. Nothing is dripping or broken so I got back in continued the journey to Dairy Queen with my friend. En route, I had noticed it wasn't running right. It seemed to have a hard time catching second gear. I called Jay when I arrived at Dairy Queen and he said that sometimes it is slow to accelerate after getting gas. I thought okay whatever and enjoyed my Dairy Queen. We returned to the car and when I turned the engine over, it didn't start. I tried again and again and it never started. I called Jay and could tell that he was flustered but tried his best to hide it and still reminded me I has to be at work for 5. I had a friend pick us up as I had to leave the Mustang in the DQ parking lot and showed up to work. Meanwhile Jays dad got the car to start and carefully drove it to the Ford dealership. They are closed Sunday and we are waiting to hear what the problem is on Monday. Jay said he would never make me pay for the damage, which there's no way I would have money for anyhow but I feel awful about not paying. Also my parents do not know I did this, which is a good thing because they would castrate me if they did.
AfroKing23: Well, this is a sucky accident if there ever was one. But, I've seen this happen to my brother's fiancée's mustang. She hit a pothole and I don't remember what if messed up, but I do remember it wasn't over 800$. Them things ride lower than a midget with no knees.
[deleted]: It's also a hassle to get the city to pay for things of this nature. Took my buddy a year to get reimbursed for scraping the bottom of his legal height car on a grate in the road.
| 3 | 1 | |
1383521152 | 1384239528 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | wdijgu: TIFU by not paying attention during the SAT
It was so ridiculous that I still don't quite know what to think about it. I was taking the SAT, doing well, confident in the essay that I wrote, yada yada. Well, we went out for break and per the proctors instruction, I slipped my answer packet into the test booklet. I slipped it in to section 3 because, well, that was the next section and I was just kind of on autopilot because I was stressed about doing my best.
We get back from break and the proctor instructs us to open up our answer packets and, if you haven't taken the SAT, there's a part where you need to write in script about how 'this is your work and no one elses'. So, I flip open to the answer packet and I'm doing my best to remember how to do cursive. As I'm writing, the proctor says in a stern voice "EXCUSE ME, is your test book open?" I realize she's talking to me. I apologize profusely, trying to explain myself, but she's having none of it. I close the test booklet and tell myself to get my act together and pay attention.
I was shaking from her yelling out to me. I simply was under so much stress that I was having a hard time processing it. Trying to calm myself down and finish with the cursive, I heard the proctor say 'section 3'. I assumed we were starting section 3, so in my autopilot mode I flip it open again. The proctor lost it, wondering 'how stupid' I could be. I was honestly wondering the same thing, too. There was another kid who didn't understand as well, and she both reported us to her supervisor. The supervisor informed us that our scores would most likely be canceled because we could've been cheating.
I finished section 3, excused myself, and canceled my scores. I signed myself up for the December one, but if I mess up on that one then I can't go to college. So basically because I was so nervous, stressed out, and auto pilot about doing well, I did the exact opposite.
TL;DR: Wasn't paying attention. Had the test booklet open when I wasn't supposed to, accused of cheating, had to cancel the scores of a test I've been studying a good amount for.
duff-man02: That does suck. I'm actually still afraid to look at my October scores even though they were released more than a week ago. But I'll have to do it before the December deadline.
wdijgu: Definitely look at your October test scores! If you're not satisfied, then you can still sign up for the December one and have time to prepare. Best of luck!
duff-man02: Did. Fucked up again. I just can't break 700 on math. Most practice tests give me one mistake which can be 800, but normally is 740-760. I screw up when it comes to the real thing. CR and W were 800, though. Well, I'll retake in December for the last damn time, in January the subject tests and that'll be the end of it.
wdijgu: Wow. You're obviously someone who likes to push themselves if I'm not mistaken. Not that that's a bad thing, but really, those scores are incredible. Can I ask you what you've been using to practice and what your study habits are? Please don't beat yourself up, I would kill to have those scores.
duff-man02: I'm tryng to et into some competitive schools as a transfer applicant, so I want to push all my objective stats to the max. It might still not be enough but I want to say that at the end of the day, I've tried everything. What bugs me is that I can't get above 700 on math when I do the real thing even though my practices always give me 1-2 mistakes in math. And it's not like I'm not good at math, One of my majors is physics for crying out loud, I just can't get over silly mistakes that seem to multiply on the real tests.
As for practice, I've just solved a ton of practice tests, that is all the official ones: from the corse, from the blue book and all released Q&As from the January, May and October administrations every year all the way back to 2005. This gave me 800s in reading and writing with a 12 essay, and should bring me close enough for math in December as well
| 6 | 4.666667 | |
1383535420 | 1383553123 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU and hooked up with a virgin at a halloween party.
Some friends threw a big costume party last night for Halloween. Costumes, scary shit everywhere, the whole shebang.
I got a little too drunk- drunker than I'd been in a while, and threw morals out the window. Some girl I'd never met, but who is friends with quite a few of the party-goers, was giving me goo goo eyes all night, and kept finding excuses to come talk to me, or be around me.
I was out back having a smoke with the cool kids, and of course she tagged along. She said she'd never tried a cigarette and took a drag of mine. Didn't like it. Some girl asked what other things she's hadn't done and she said she'd never had sex.
Cue the 30 minute, drunken, 10 person conversation about sex, virginity, life lessons, all that crap.
So she gets cold and goes back in, I follow to get another beer. It's getting fairly late, about 1:30 in the morning at this point.
She's totally hammered, last night apparently being the second time she's ever drank.
People were kind of winding down, just having conversations everywhere. She and I started talking in a back hallway that lead to a guest bathroom, and started making out. Locked ourselves in the bathroom, and started feeling each other up. She says she's not going to have sex, but she figured she was drunk enough to try giving a blowjob. She then proceeded to do just that. Try.
She had a terrible gag reflex, and kept trying too hard to make it really good. Ended with me jacking in front of her face while she kind of fingered herself, and she finished me with her mouth. Half-swallowed, half coughed it all everywhere. We cleaned up, put clothes back on, and rejoined the party. I went out front with my buddy, had a cigarette, and we left for food.
Woke up this morning with texts from like 6 people telling me that this girl is desperately trying to get ahold of me, and wants to discuss things with me.
She's either attached, or I'm about to get berated and will feel awful for spoiling the girl's first sexual experience.
Lose lose situation. Especially cause the BJ wasn't even that great, and after-party hook up drama is the pits.
EDIT: Spelling
1minuteman: listen bro, for the sake of every man on the planet nail that chick because a virgin is the holy grail of poontang and its rare you'll ever get this moment in your life again.
InoShikaTroll: I guess I'm in the minority then when I say I'd definitely rather have relations with a girl that knew what the fuck she was doing.
1minuteman: hmm but all that means is that shes been fucked by loads of people. why would anyone want a second hand spunk bucket
InoShikaTroll: I'm not gonna argue with you about this shit, but humans are sexual by nature. If a girl has fucked a bunch of dudes I don't really give a care so long as she didn't contract an std in the process. This is the same thing as labeling a girl who slept with all of two dudes in high school a whore. I'd rather have a chic that knew what she was doing in bed rather than her throwing up on my dick or lying there like a dead fish just looking at me blindly while I had sex with her. God forbid she's a virgin and hasn't had her cherry popped by either intercourse or an obgyn. I'm sorry all virgin lady redditors but I'm Squeamish at the sight of my own blood let alone something I'm penetrating. Maybe it's a fetish thing but its personally not for me
Edit: fucking autocorrect.
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1383539408 | 1383671800 | null | t5_2to41 | 748 | IphoneIPadLinked: TIFU by masturbating on skype with my girlfriend's dad
Throwaway account just to be on the safe side...
It was just a casual lazy day of watching football until my long-distance girlfriend sent me a dirty snapchat picture or her in just her underwear. Naturally, I respond in kind, and things escalate from snapchat pictures to snapchat videos. Eventually, I conclude that the exchange would be better suited for face time, so I send her a facetime request. She couldn't answer because she was having internet problems, but being ridiculously horny, I kept sending her invites to facetime.
After about the 5th attempt, facetime shows that its beginning to connect with her, and I have my camera facing my hand holding my dick, because I'm sure that is what she wants to see. After about 3 seconds of it connecting me to her, I see her dad looking thoroughly disgusted.
I nearly shit my pants and text her frantically asking what the fuck just happened. She then texts me and notes that her IPhone and IPad (which happens to be at her parents' house) are linked.
I have no idea what to do. I don't think he saw my face, but I'm not positive, so we are debating between playing the "my roommates stole my phone and tried to be funny" story and the "deny deny deny" strategy. I'm not sure when the next time I see her parents will be, but it will definitely be interesting to see if he was impressed by what he saw.
If there is a lesson to learn from my story, always have the camera on your face when you are trying to facetime someone, so that your girlfriend's dad doesn't see your dong.
Alexbo8138: Godammit OP. You pussied out like a punk. The Internet should have prepared you for this very moment.
Show your dick. Show your stern, dominating stare. Back to dick. Now your face. Then furiously masturbate while staring into his eyes.
Own it, man. Own it. This could have been a success baby meme if you made it work.
TheWierdSide: Don't you mean Insanity wolf?
jaythejayjay: Insane baby wolf meme, patent pending.
Sealhunter991: [Like this?](http://i.imgur.com/6i7LTdX.jpg)
jaythejayjay: Exactly like that! Someone, get this man a medal!
pteek: [This is all I can manage to give.](http://i.imgur.com/3RF2RPI.jpg)
jaythejayjay: Close enough. We could build an economy around this shit. That image will rule the world!
| 8 | 93.5 | |
1383541337 | 1383559220 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | smashy5: TIFU by charging my friends iPod.
So my friend left his iPod in my car, I went to grab it and decided to charge it up before returning it to him. I plugged it in and it started to sync to my itunes. I thought: "Oh shit, his songs will get deleted." So I disconnected it. All his songs are gone... all 8000 of them.
AuctionSniper: I'm assuming you plugged it into the computer, which is why it synced to iTunes. Anyway, this is why I backup my files, in case things like this happen.
And on a side note, why does Apple still force people to use iTunes?
FranticDisembowel: > why is Apple does still forcing people to use iTunes?
http://i.imgur.com/WuKZd.gif
AuctionSniper: You know what I mean.
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1383480990 | 1383620547 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | alot_of_bots: TIFU by vomiting into a friend's sink at an [8]
TL;DR: spent more than an hour trying to unclog a sink (with my hands) that I mega-vomited - all while at an [8].
Longer version for those who'd like some detailed info:
A week ago I'm at a friend's apartment, pretty high. For whatever reason I start to feel sick so I pop some of my favourite [music](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H570ifQfpDk) hoping it would make me feel better. Nope, worse. I go to the bathroom (the toilet is separated), can't find the lightswitch - whatever. Having just talked about how weed is better than alcohol cause you don't feel sick yaddayadda I try to convince myself not to vomit, so I don't go to the toilet.
You can do it! Just embrace the feeling!
Standing in front of the sink looking at the mirror, I close my eyes then I start to feel extremely dizzy. My head tilts back and forth like I'm going to lose my consciousness and on the 3rd forward tilt all the non-digested and not-very-well chewed lunch and the product of my munchies comes out of my mouth in 3 very long and strong streams.
In the background I can still hear Tame Impala, at least my fav music is on while I'm vomiting:)
I go back to the livingroom where my girlfriend, the friend, and her boyfriend awaits me. I look like shit and tell them what just happened, ask the friend where the switch is so I can take a look at the damage.
FML, the sink is clogged like hell. Like really really clogged from all the food deep down cause there was nothing to protect bigger things to go down. Mind you there is no plunger either. I spend my next hour spooning out my vomit from the deep hole with my index and middle finger and throwing it into a bucket. With every removal some comes up so I figure in time it'd unclog. Nope, after a time nothing comes up. I need to apply some pressure down there, so I take off the showerhead, plug the pipe in the sinkhole and send some water down there with full pressure. Fuck yeah!!! Even more stuff coming up. But there's more and more water.
Spoon out the vomit with my fingers, throw it into a bucket, then remove the water with a smaller bucket into the big one so the sink doesn't overflow, then plug the shower in and full pressure. Rinse and repeat 20 times. Still clogged, and after a while nothing comes up from the hole.
Note that while this is all happening I'm still pretty fkin high.
Then comes the enlightment - I'm a fkin engineering student, I need to use my fucking brain!!! I need to make a plunger of some sort myself! I grab a cleaning cloth, stuff it into the hole so that I make some kind of a vacuum in there and start pumping the cloth.
I hear something. It's the sound of my freedom from this bathroom! I make an orgasmic gasp. It's over. It's time to smoke some more and enjoy myself.
^^Sorry ^^for ^^any ^^grammar ^^mistakes, ^^I'm ^^not ^^a ^^native ^^speaker.
BeaverTag: And a shitty plumber. U-bend. Undo it. Barf pours into bucket. And probably a lot more hair than none wants to think about.
alot_of_bots: you may be right, and even though I don't have any experience with plumbing I wanted to do what you say but here's the thing: I had no access to the U-bend. Usually (at least with the most sinks I've seen) it should be under the sink, in the open right like [this](https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRsSv1kS4SrvJk0hGKJ28Heu13WZ3n-qDi3-E1_8q_f6nykkiwzug) right? Right. Well in this case this wasn't the case as I didn't see the U-bend. It was either in the wall (doubt it) or inside the sink itself. It was a massive sink, the type you could sit on like [this](http://www.traderscity.com/board/userpix16/16283-bathroom-pedestal-sinks-corner-sink-a4069-1.jpg). So even if it was inside it which is probably the case, I would have needed to find some tools (which you problably won't in a girl's apartment) to take off the tap and lift the sink or something. I dont really know. So yeah, I'm not entirely stupid, it was my first thought.
BeaverTag: Ugh, I talked my mom out of buying that kind of sink by asking "How you gonna get your ring back?"
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1383542677 | 1383660471 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | cak3isyummy: TIFU by asking my mother in law if she ate my hot pockets
**Background**: My mother in law is crazy. She has no regard for anyone else. She is completely selfish and is an alcoholic. I know this, so I do everything I can to not provoke her. Everything that happens to her, she complains about to everyone she knows and she lies about everything. Unfortunately, my husband and I live with her while we get back on our feet.
I bring lunch to work with me because while at work I am not allowed to leave the property. Most nights I remember to make a lunch, but sometimes I forget or run out of time. So I have a big box of hot pockets that I keep in the freezer for a last minute grab while I'm out the door. I don't eat them during the day and my husband won't eat them.
**The story**: Last week I house sat for the neighbors. When I came home I find that the box of hot pockets isn't in the freezer anymore and there is a single hot pocket sitting in there. When I left there was at least half a box. At this point I'm frustrated, but happy that I caught it before it was too late. I had time to go to the store to get a new box. I wanted to tell my mother in law (let's call her Alice) that I don't want her eating the hot pockets without asking first, or at the very least replacing them. Most of all though, I want to know that she's eating them so that way I know when to get more for work. So I had to find the least threatening way to convey this to her without her freaking out.
So, the next time I saw her in passing (we have opposite work/sleep schedules) I asked in the most polite way I could, "Oh Alice, I was curious if you've eaten any of the hot pockets?" Her response started out proud but then ended in a question, "Yeah, I had two, or three?" She stood there for a second and then asked "Why?"
At this point I knew that I had already messed up but it's already happened so I have to finish this. So I just got really quiet and acted a little bummed and said, "Well, I just take those to work."
At this point she gets very defensive and snaps at me saying that she'll go to the store and replace them. I start apologising and thanking her for making the trip. She then leaves and goes to the store while I go into my room and text my husband that I fucked up. She comes back, slams the door and starts stomping through the house yelling at me. "There cak3isyummy, I paid you back your hot pockets and then one! Now maybe you can pick up your garbage off my floor!"
I stay in my room and just try to not cry. I know that a storm is coming and I just hope that it will blow over soon. I go to my husband's work for dinner and tell him the story of what happened. I then go to work for the night. Well he gets home and within an hour of being there, she calls him out to yell at him about me.
She tells him how great she is (she lets us live here, she lets us pay rent next month because we can't afford it this month, she barley charges us for bills etc.) and then goes into how ungrateful and disrespectful I am, that I "chewed" her out and how she's "this close to-" (she cuts herself off there and he figures she was going to end that sentence with kicking us [or me] out). She then goes into how it's only a couple of dollars and that I shouldn't get so upset about it. He tells her not to worry because we will move out this month (he started looking for places right before she called him out) and she gets offended and says that we don't have to move and blah blah, you know the courtesy argument you're supposed to make in that scenario. Anyways now we are looking to move out, and we can't really afford it right now. So now we're going to spend our time at my mom's house and his cousin's house, just so we can get away from her. I haven't seen her since they had that conversation, and I'm going to do everything I can to not see her again or as little as possible. This whole situation is so stressful and I don't even know where to go from here.
**TL;DR** Don't ask your alcoholic mother in law if she ate your hot pockets.
Edit: If you want to know another story of her being crazy I posted about some [petty revenge] (http://www.reddit.com/r/pettyrevenge/comments/1pkxr8/now_you_have_to_restart_the_dryer/) I got on her.
phototraveler: You are married but live with your parents?
cak3isyummy: Yes
phototraveler: AMA? Really though, are y'all between building or something? Marry super young? Just seems odd to be quite honest.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1383574189 | 1383581759 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | randomredditor353: TIFU by not having sex with flatmates sister
my friend/ flatmate had his sister and a few friends over for a few days and instantly me and my friends sister hit it off. we all went out to a big party one night and when we got back things started getting a really flirtly and instead of going for it I said my mates your brother and didn't do anything.
the thing is we both got on so well that now I'm thinking maybe I should have just gone for it.
did I fuck up or did I do the right thing?
Orjee: I never understood why anyone would get mad about their friend having sex with their sister.
codythomashunsberger: I'm assuming you don't have a younger sister.
Orjee: Correct, but I have an older one. Do those with younger ones really think they're sisters aren't going to have sex?
codythomashunsberger: No, but I think there's a pretty distinct difference in the brother's attitude toward his sister's male acquaintances.
I have a younger sister but not an older one, and comparing myself to friends with older sisters and no younger ones yielded the above opinion.
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1383580493 | 1383687678 | null | t5_2to41 | 66 | throwaway91537: TIFU by squeezing my dick while peeing.
So I went to go pee and I lifted the toilet seat like any normal man would do. About halfway through my pee the toilet seat started to fall down. So not wanting to spray piss all over the seat, I tried to stop myself from peeing squeezed my dick, and tried to catch the toilet seat all at once. That was a mistake I will never make again. The pee built up, tried to shoot out, and I literally felt it build up inside my dick. I let go and the pee came out, but oh my god did it burn. And it still burns. It's been about 12 hours since this has happened and it is fucking killing me. I'm debating on whether or not I should go see a doctor because I really don't want to have to explain this story again.
Omgcorgitracks: Had this happen at my ex's house, the seat wouldn't stay up, I had to hold it with one hand, well thine first time I wasn't aware of the seat falling issue, so long story short pee everywhere.
Unclejesster: I'm sitting here reading this at work and get to ,"seat falling issue, so long story." and the phone rings. I transfer it, continue reading," short pee everywhere." I now have the death giggles and can't stop. WTF is "short pee everywhere" and why is it so funny to me?
Edit: Typing with the death giggles is difficult.
Omgcorgitracks: I made a typo, oh well I'm going to keep it there Haha.
| 4 | 16.5 | |
1383585017 | 1383614327 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,405 | [deleted]: TIFU by jerkin off w/a condom and possibly causing my parents to divorce
Alright, so it was around 1 am, and I wasn't quite tired yet so I figured I'd rub one out to try and tire myself and go to sleep. I turned on some porn on my phone and went to work. Raw doggin' it wasn't getting the job done, and I remembered I had a condom in my wallet. So, I grab my wallet, grab the condom and get back to work. A good jerk session later, I finish up and clean up. I toss it in the trash. This morning I get up, I shower and get ready for school. When I walked to the truck, I remembered last night's session, and throw the evidence from the main trashcan to the trashcan outside for the trash guys to pick up and take away. Somehow, some way the condom fell out of the bag and landed in my driveway. I had no knowledge of this at all, until at school when my dad texted me. "Do you know about this condom that was in the driveway? If you do I won't say anything. If you don't, I'm about to go off on Andy." Andy was a family best friend that came over to drink with my parents the night of the jerksesh, and left later in the night. Obviously I said no because I was embarrassed. I get a text from my mother saying "Your dad just called accusing me and Andy about the thing in the driveway. We've been fighting all morning. I'm so sick of this shit, i'm about to be done." So here I am, at school, freaking out about my jerksesh because it could possibly lead to my parents getting a divorce.
tl;dr jerked with a condom, wasn't smart about the clean up, and in a roundabout way blamed it on my mother and family friend, leading to a fight between my parents possibly ending in a divorce.
toasterfish: If you seriously believe your parents think you don't masturbate, you're a fool.
If you are seriously more ashamed of this single masturbatory embarrassment than you are supportive of your parents' MARRIAGE, you're a complete asshole.
Please own up to this. They might be in a rough-enough patch to be discussing divorce anyway, but if you maintain denial and your parents get divorced and your Dad punches his friend Andy and your Mom cries and cries, you'll carry that lie with you forever.
a_davis: My parents know I masturbate? Shit
xBarneyStinsonx: My dad knows, because he's a guy. My mom? Nope. She's that ignorant.
BrokenByReddit: Your mom masturbates.
xBarneyStinsonx: No. Nonononono. No. Nope. Not happening.
BrokenByReddit: You came out of her vagina!
Clayh5: C-section, bitch.
Instantcretin: Being a C-Section is the best. I have NEVER touched my moms vagina.
jimitonic: Don't know what you're missing, brother.
| 10 | 240.5 | |
1383556434 | 1383623025 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | abeniman: TIFU by pouring half a bottle of turps into the sink
Art is a mandatory subject at my year, and after painting and shit, we start to pack up the room, including the paint brushes and what not. And naturally, ~30 people all sharing a troft type sink is a bit of a clusterfuck. Then I see this bottle, half full of liquid sitting in the sink. "aight." I thought to myself "musty be water. Let's just go ahead and pour it into the drain, whilst trying to get as much of it onto other people for shits and gigs"
My masterful plan was going well, I successfully made a nuisance of myself and tossed the now empty bottle aside. Then all of a sudden, a strong smell came across the room, causing it to smell strongly of chemicals.
As it turns out, that bottle was actually turps. So I poured half a bottle of turps into the sink and on people's hands/arms. As well as mine.
Now the art rooms smell strongly of chemical, to the point where it's nearly unbearable. Go me.
Chaotic_Flame: What exactly is turps?
ChrisFRKNRogers: Turpentine?
EastenNinja: its a wood alcohol right?
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1383592175 | 1383619553 | null | t5_2to41 | 144 | grubas: TIFU by not cleaning my apartment
Our landlady thought we weren't going to renew our lease(November 15th), we told her we were, but she had scheduled a tour and our upstairs neighbours are leaving. The other day she mentioned that this was going to be today and that she was going to tour our apartment instead(our washer broke and she wants to measure it for a new one), which I promptly forgot. This weekend was my flatmate's birthday, we had a rager, woke up Sunday and decided to just keep going, what the hell? Today we were just so hungover we left it, she walked into an apartment with beer bottles, Solo cups, ashtrays, a box of wine, 5 pizza boxes, a coffee table full of empty Chinese containers, cigarette butts, two bongs and more bottles. The couch reeks because somebody passed out on it and spilt beer on herself earlier. My bedroom is about the same because my GF decided to watch Netflix and brought a 6 pack and a bottle of whiskey into our already trashed room, knocked a beer over onto my face last night and we had drunk sex so the sheets smell like sex and beer. My flatmate's room was worse. Apparently she opened the door, looked around to see if any of us were home, and got the fuck out before the tour could come. My GF said she got a note left from the landlady stating she wants to talk to us, about our lease and is not happy with us.
swordfishtrombonez: The only thing you can do is clean up completely and invite her over to see.
Along with the birthday, maybe lie and say you had a huge party because your friends are getting married (or something similar).
grubas: Basically she wants us to clean it up, afterwards she wants to inspect it(I guess she's afraid we ruined something or have an infestation), but it is grading midterms season and all of us TA, so basically we have to fucking bleach our apartment AND grade within like 2 days. We basically are fucked on the security deposit now though. But it's cheap as dirt so we're staying. My mate's granddad got the place years ago and rent controlled, he raised my mate since he was 5 so the rent control passed on/the landlady has known my mate forever. But we're apparently going on double secret probation now, she was so unhappy. Also my gf left before me and stole all the Pedialyte, so I had to blow my lunch money on drinks to try and hydrate myself. I was unable to read an entire paper without wanted to throw up. It's all gone wrong!
FaKeShAdOw: I guess if you have like 20 to 40 bucks you could just pay somebody to help you clean it together too.
grubas: We're having a cleaning party as the 4 of us and making piles of laundry for a laundromat run later.
| 5 | 28.8 | |
1383602014 | 1383620750 | null | t5_2to41 | 561 | nike215: TIFU by not putting my Halloween decorations away
So on Halloween we had a fake graveyard with funny names/sayings on them like Anna Rexic and etc. It took a little while to set up but it came out pretty nice. The day after Halloween I decided to leave them in my lawn, as I didn't feel like putting them away and it looked nice and I figured why bother. This continued for the past couple of days as I was extraordinarily lazy. Fast forward to today.
My neighbor across the street was a nice older man. He was around 80 years old and had lived in that house for as long as I could remember. He would yell at us for playing street hockey, but only because he was always taking care of his bed-ridden wife of around 50 years, and she was sensitive to sounds. We always respected him and did whatever he needed us to do. He still gave out candy on Halloween, but you could tell he wasn't looking very good as of late.
If you hadn't figured out already, I have to talk about my neighbor in the past tense, as he died early this morning. It was pretty sad. He fell down and died, pretty gruesomely. He broke his neck and his arm he used to brace his fall ended up being ripped to shreds, as his skin was so weak from his age. A very scarring event.
As I was leaving the house this morning, I felt a pretty strong wind, so I decided to go back inside to get a windbreaker. When I went back outside I began walking to my car, but I noticed something on my old neighbor's front lawn. Curious, I wondered over. The closer I got to the object the more my heart started to race. I pick it up and I could not believe what I saw. It was one of my tombstones that got blown over to his house by the wind. Not just any tombstone however. The tombstone that ended up on his lawn was that of Humpty Dumpty, with the phrase "I was pushed!" I was horrified. I quickly picked up the tombstone and brought it back to my house. Now I believe the reason he left his house was to pick the decoration up off of his lawn, which lead to him falling. The irony, the horror. Today I Fucked Up.
tl;dr Didn't put Halloween decorations away, neighbor falls and dies, ironic tombstone already there.
nike215: [Picture](http://imgur.com/NF2R6Rl) of said tombstone.
Fgmaniac: This is a really delicate situation.
On one hand, everyone who feels bad for you is hated for not considering the innocent elderly man who lost his life.
On the other, everyone who wishes for you to die is forgetting that this will emotionally scar you for the rest of your life.
My father recently watched a man die because of what he believed was his causing. He said hello to the man, causing him to turn around while walking on a staircase, and crack his head open.
This father of three was the sole breadwinner of the family, and my father beat himself up over it. Many considered him inconsiderate, "trying to take the focus away" from the man's direct relatives who would be affected forever. What no one knows is how horrible the guilt of inadvertantly taking away someone else's life is.
You see, my dad works in Genetic Diagnostic testing at a children hospital, and has been working there for 20 years. He has seen how a late diagnosis can lead to death in young children, some even infants. Yet nothing has affected him as much as the death of this man.
Perhaps it's the fact that he believes it is directly his fault. Perhaps the fact that he lost his own father at the same age as this man's youngest (12) and is reminded about how it changed his life. Either way, it hurts the individual who "caused" the death, and can really damage their mental health.
With that, my condolences are given to the man who lost his life. It is a shame that he had to lose his life away from his loved ones.
But my condolences are also given to you as well. Know that we can for you, and that most ethical users on this site wish you well. Don't beat yourself up over it, it is a shame, but you must learn to live on.
I'm sure if the man was to be "looking over you" in another world/dimension/plane of living, he wouldn't want you to feel guilty.
Talk to people who love you; family, friends, heck even the community here at /r/TIFU
Finally, talk to the family of the deceased. My father got piss drunk for the first time in nearly 25 years that night, and seriously considered suicide. When he went to the family, to tell them what the last moments of their father/husband's life were like, they told him to not feel guilty. They told his that they would miss him, but that my father was a respectable man who wouldn't have purposely caused such misfortune. They hugged him, and prayed for him, and made sure that he had the chance to talk about it, and express his emotions. My father now seems to be okay, and I hope you will be to.
Please, if you ever start getting nightmares, or extreme anxiety, seek medical help. One life was already lost, you don't need to make it two.
nike215: Thank You, you don't know how much I appreciate this.
Fgmaniac: Aw, shucks. Glad to have helped.
ilookasianinmorning: You have done good kind stranger
| 6 | 93.5 | |
1383604943 | 1383607256 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | themeowzart: TIFU by trying to relax.
(Actually last night, but we all know that doesn't matter too much)
(And hey, I'm a girl. Cuz I know that's gonna be asked.)
This weekend I only had 1 day off (I haven't had many days off the past 2 months), and when I managed yesterday, it was a complete disaster. My friend (who is one of my employees) was having just as bad of a time and said she could use a drink. I had a box of wine and some shit to forget so I invited her over after work.
We got to my place about 3:30 and got right to it. We had fun complaining about work and talking about our sex lives. At that moment I got a snapchat from a girl I've been talking to and occasionally fooling around with for a few weeks. I sent her a picture back of me and my friend. Apparently she thought my friend was hot and encouraged me to get with her. I got a little pissed off because this weekend she was supposed to spend the night for the first time but couldn't--and now she was telling me to hook up with my friend.
She was having some problems with a guy she's been sort of seeing too. So we both drank more and more. At some point she mentioned that she had never actually had an orgasm unless she did it herself--and that she had never been with a girl. In my drunk and spiteful state, I bet that I could get her off.
Next thing I know, clothes are off and I was doing my thing downstairs. It was not long before I indeed brought her to climax. And then again. Afterwards, we went back to furiously kissing and scratching and biting. Bless her she even got on top.
When it was all said and done, we both were sprawled there not really sure what had just happen. We hung out for a few more hours and sobered up before I took her home.
This morning I went into work. I tried my best to cover my neck...but I could see the stares. Everyone knew she and I had hung out yesterday and when she came in with a small hickey covered in make up, their suspicions grew. But we denied it and quickly moved on to work.
I kinda forgot as the day went on what [my neck looked like](http://i.imgur.com/12hITV1.jpg). After awhile, I noticed some customers looking at me very concerned. At some point the owner pulled me aside and said that a fair amount of people had come forward with concerns that I was being abused (I wasn't my cheerful self because I was tired and hungover). He sent me home until I could cover my neck properly.
**So to recap:** I spite fucked my friend from work and gave her her first non-manual orgasm. Girl I'm seeing has no problem with this which kinda pisses me off. Customers think I'm being abused. Boss and employees probably think I'm a whore. Just...fuck.
Grumpy-Brewer: Dude...your neck looks messed up.
Good on you for getting some though. Fuck what people think, just live your life the way you want to.
themeowzart: I actually had someone think that I got attacked by an animal. They told me to go to the ER.
I wouldn't be this concerned with their opinions except it's my job and I feel like a shitty manager.
Grumpy-Brewer: So long as you do your job correctly, then there is nothing to worry about.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1383609597 | 1383676384 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | chocorrroles: TIFU by being racist
This actually happened last friday but I had no internet access.
First of all, I'm not american, and my first language is not english.
I was in a bachelor party with a big group of friends (18 of us) in a cruise ship. A long time ago, the groom went scuba diving and got sunburnt like a racoon, so we nicknamed him like that, the racoon (in english). As with many nicknames, the racoon evolved to be just "coon".
So there we were, 18 of us in a cruise ship with 50% of black people, all wearing tshirts with the word COON in capital letters all across the chest. We are all white. I noticed first, when I was drunk as hell and left the ship's night club and got approached by two enormous black dudes who asked me "What's with the t-shirt?". I proceeded to explain about the racoon. They believed, we all laughed and proceeded to be topless for the rest of the night.
TLDR; I was wearing a t-shirt with the word COON on it
Roert42: I almost got got beat up by a black guy once, told him to fuck off and everything was ok.
ilmmad: Cool story big guy.
Roert42: no it wasn't like that by "fuck off" i actually meant that i apologised and explained the situation to him and everything was ok in the end.
poswimol: Were you Canadian by any chance?
Roert42: nope just a meek white kid that doesn't want any trouble. Funny enough though i'm pretty tough looking so i don't get much shit anyway.
a_davis: Wow you're conceited
Roert42: yes absolutely
| 8 | 4.375 | |
1383609974 | 1383884497 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting my friends girlfriend pregnant
So last week, I bought some condoms with my friend because our girlfriends are friends and etc. so anyways, he called me and the condoms were really Shitty and his load broke the condom and she's pregnant. Fuck.
WhatWouldTrotskyDo: How is it your fault? You bought them WITH your friend not FOR your friend.
isitoriginal: Should change title to tifu by assisting, I suggested we try a new condom brand and I guess they're really bad quality.
Souluna: Is this a thing?
Guys, seriously..
Guys, lets all buy a different brand of condoms together and then get together later on and share our reviews.
Guys?
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1383601720 | 1383623139 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | R_Kelly_Loves_Whites: TIFU by leaving my flashdrive at home
Ok, just for background: My Spanish 2 teacher is an incredibitch. It's not all her fault, though. She's a native mexican and has trouble speaking English. But I (and everyone else) still get annoyed with her. For instance, if she says something is due that day, and the ENTIRE class says, "No, you said tomorrow", she'll ignore us with either laughing like we made a joke, or walking away to her desk to fish through papers, and then walk back over and pick up right where she left off, taking up the assignment. She's also an extremely picky grader.
And, with my dumb ass having a C in her class, I wanted to do really good on this upcoming project due Monday (today). So I broke my back and spent alllll Sunday working on this goddamn powerpoint. Got done with it, and saved it on my handy dandy flashdrive. Of course. I still have to make note cards, because I have to present this monster to the class. Oh well, my night is gone anyway. I made the note cards, and typed the paper she wanted us to do with it as well. I better get a 100 on this shit.
So this morning rolls around, I get ready and I put my flashdrive in my pocket. I go about my routine and think "The last time I wore khakis AND a sweatshirt, I was sweaty af by the time I walked up to the school" (I park in a lot down the hill from my school). So I change out my khakis for cargo shorts.
I go about my day, until 3rd period comes barreling down on me. Why did it come barreling down? Because I was nervous about my presentation, because I have the worst stage fright this side of the Mississippi. Thank god for that perk, amirite?
So anyway, i'm nervous as fuck waiting for my name to be called. I hear a shrieking, terribly broken version of my name break the air. I solemnly walk up to the front, reach into my pocket and-
Grasp at nothing.
I left my flashdrive in my khakis.
TIFU.
[deleted]: Google drive brah
R_Kelly_Loves_Whites: What's that?
[deleted]: It's from Google and contains several Microsoft like software apps like word, PowerPoint and office. You use it from the web and as you type every letter or make a single change, it saves it to your Google cloud. What's great about it is that you can have a team of people working on let's say a PowerPoint at the same time from different places in the world. It's really great I feel like I work for Google typing this but it really is great. Any where you have internet, you can access your drive.
R_Kelly_Loves_Whites: Hmm... sounds interesting. Unfortunately many of my teachers refuse to use anything besides flashdrives. Which is frustrating in itself.
| 5 | 6.4 | |
1383616735 | 1383664300 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | therabidturd: today i fucked up by restoring my ps3 with out backing it up
i literally lost over one thousand hours of save data and have to update everything i have again
falken4: Damn that sucks. But how did you forget to back up your saves? If you were restoring on purpose.
[deleted]: My ps3 had sone corrupted data that I couldn't delete and when I tried it froze my ps3 so my friend recommened a quick restore and I didn't realize before it was to late
falken4: Oh gotcha. I had the same problem. I was deleting game installs when my ps3 froze all of a sudden. After I reset it I saw that the data I was deleting was corrupted. Couldn't get rid of it. Searched online, found out there was no way to get rid of it. Only options were leave it as is or restore. So I just left it like that. Which sucks because I really need space.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1383616270 | 1383642778 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | Romeltheguru: Does Wendy's hire 14 year olds?
XxandrealphusxX: This isn't /r/askreddit or /r/wendys
Romeltheguru: Oh my god what the fuck I thought I posted this on r/Wendy's
XxandrealphusxX: HAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA Oh my god this was awesome.
| 4 | 3 | |
1383625732 | 1383695815 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by asking out a coworker
I normally don't just ask out coworkers for obvious reasons, don't like to shit in my sandbox. I was there to relieve her for her break and joked that I was there to sweep her off her feet, she said that wouldn't be hard - just don't be a psycho, and gave detail of her crazy exes for some reason. Interpreted this as a hint. Later in the day I just decided to YOLO it and straight up ask her out. Her response was "no", with no explanation or other conversation. There are <10 people that work here. Tempted to ragequit the job.
400HPMustang: If you actually used "YOLO" in conversation, I can see why she rejected you.
WhatWouldTrotskyDo: I was going to say the same thing. It's blatantly obvious that this is the reason.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1383632049 | 1383811339 | null | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: TIFU by schlicking with blinds open. (NSFW)
For those who don't know, "schlick" is the female version of "fap". (Yeah, we touch ourselves too).
So, I fucked up tonight when my normal session turned into a marathon. Usually I am satisfied after a good two, maybe three orgasms, which require no more than like 5 minutes because I know my spots, But every now and again, I become insatiable and I just can. Not. Stop. I go back to back to back, sometimes until I pass out. Well, this was one of those times. I started off like normal with reading a story I had saved from literotica, and it wasn't long before I came twice as it's one of my favorites, but I felt compelled to keep going.
I pulled out my goody bag from under my bed and plugged in my headphones. I pulled my panties off, which had only been down to the beginning of my thigh--just enough to rub my clit and slit--completely off, along with every thing else. Then, I pulled out my tablet and continued. I began on my back, pinched my nipples while vigorously stimulating myself in all of my holes. After I was finally pleased ( and somewhat sore ) I finished my self off bent over with sparky. I always love to be penetrated after cumming.
Thankfully, I hadn't squirted and made much of a mess since I hadn't put down a towel. There was a little wetness, which I mostly sucked from my fingers. I got up to put in jammies and clean my toys when I realized I probably had an audience. For one, my blinds were not completely closed and the episode of BBT I had recorded had ended long ago.
I quickly yanked out the lamp from the wall and closed the blinds. There goes my neighbor walking his dog. I don't know if he saw me or not but it's not like he'd make it obvious. There was no doubt my male roommate heard me who had conveniently turned down the volume in the living room, which is adjacent to my room. As wet as I was, I'm sure he knew what I was doing.
Fuck me!
On top if that, one of my piercings popped out, and I can't get it back in. I guess I was rubbing too hard. This means I'll have to get it repierced. Hopefully I won't have to wait for it to heal because there's no way I can wait another two weeks.
**TLDR:** I flicked the bean while my roommate listened and my neighbor watched, and I may not be able to have sex with myself for weeks!
[deleted]: You literally just wrote this to get attention. You are a literal attention whore.
[deleted]: You literally just used 'literally' in the wrong context, but thanks for the attention.
Woahtis: You whored out a fake story quite literally to get attention. I'm pretty sure he was right in his use.
[deleted]: I was simply being facetious and pointing out that he misused the word "literally." I was not arguing with the message he was trying to convey as I had expected some people to doubt the validity of my post. That being said, I don't understand his point considering everyone who submits a post is technically sharing his/her story for "attention." As for whether or not I merely "whored" out this story rather than shared an actual fuck-up is a matter of opinion and there is nothing I can do to prove it is not bullshit. So, believe what you want. Whatever, lol.
[deleted]: Lol, and he edited his comment. It's not even that serious.
| 6 | 0.166667 | |
1383621006 | 1383970847 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | nerfbabble: TIFU by longboarding in the rain.
So I was heading back to my apartment after leaving my university campus. I was raining lightly and I only had a thin T-shirt on so I wanted to get back quickly as it could rain harder and I didn't want to get wet or get my longboard rusty. On my way back, my board lost it's grip and I got thrown off. Luckily, I caught myself and didn't fall or get hurt. I thought to myself that maybe I shouldn't skate in the rain as it could be pretty dangerous but I decided getting home relatively dry was more important. A couple minutes later, I cut through a parking lot and was about to exit on the other side when a car pulled up. I wasn't sure if it was going to enter or not but since it's indicator was off I assumed it was just going straight and I kept going. Of course, the car turned to enter and I tried to stop. However, because the ground was wet from the rain a slipped and my board went into the street where [it got hit by another car and broke.](http://i.imgur.com/4Sgfuem.jpg)
TL;DR - Rode my longboard in the rain. Fell of and my board rolled into traffic and broke.
Patchoolible: What board was it?
nerfbabble: [Sector 9 "Mama Say" pintail.](http://image.skatedeluxe.de/images/product_images/original_images/36582_0.jpg)
Crimsonnrose: Rule #1 of longboarding: sector 9 sucks
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1383651446 | 1383700491 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,721 | Maklo_Never_Forget: Me being an idiot and now under police investigation about child porn/about to get kicked out of school
**UPDATE:**http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1pxzy8/me_being_an_idiot_and_now_under_police/cd846se
-------------------------
A friend of mine send me this picture after a huge hardcore/hardstyle party we went to. [related picture: http://i.imgur.com/mFAht39.png ]
Those kids are dressed as ''gabbers'', it's how a typical 30 year old hardcore listener would look like.
The picture made me lol so hard I wanted to see if there where more pictures so while at school I decided to google some.
my search terms where:
Hardcore kids
young kids hardcore
hardcore children
- To no avail, so I continued my search:
10 year olds hardcore
11 year olds hardcore
young kid hardcore dancing
hardcore girl.
--------------
A few days after I was asked to have a talk with someone from the IT department who told me he found my disturbing searches, he related them to child porn w/e and that he needs to have a talk with my parents. Since I am 19 they luckily don't have to get involved after all but they handed the report to the police.
Tl;Dr searched for young children doing hardcore, ended up as a suspected pedo. FML.
Perplexed_Porpoise: Well if your IT technician noticed your searches then he would also know that you did not find nor watch any child pornography. I don't think there's any grounds for you to be put in the register tbh.
IcarusBurning: Nor is there grounds to submit a report to the police tbph.
JakeTheSnakeMan: I don't know where OP is from but where I work we have mandatory reporting which means if we suspect or have reason to believe that there is something like that going on it has to be reported.
DaLateDentArthurDent: Mandatory reporting to the police or to your department head?
JakeTheSnakeMan: It doesn't specify in the Statute, but I believe we are supposed to report it to the Superintendent/Asst. Super for them to investigate and report to police as necessary. I'm referring to [Wisconsin Statute 118.07(5)](http://docs.legis.wisconsin.gov/statutes/statutes/118/07).
acidbiker: If you can verify (like the IT guy can) that he was not going to any pedo sites, it's VERY irresponsible to pretend like it's still an issue that needs to be sent on.
JakeTheSnakeMan: You're right, but at first glance the searches are suspicious. IT may have just kind of panicked when s/he saw it and failed to provide context.
hnxt: And that's how people get their lives fucked through the carelessness of others.
Anything related to sexual abuse of children is THE ultimate offense (at least in the west). Shit needs to be handled with more care.
JakeTheSnakeMan: Absolutely. We've had scenarios like this that happened where the searches ended up being innocent but we've also had them turn out to be not innocent. I think anything less than full investigation is wholly irresponsible in either regard.
SorryWhat: I'm split
JakeTheSnakeMan: Split howso?
SorryWhat: Either some guy gets fucked for life or maybe some child needs help.
JakeTheSnakeMan: I see. There is rarely a happy ending no matter what the outcome when children are involved in anything like that.
SorryWhat: I would protect the 100% definite in this scenario, the man, but i would watch him like a hawk
| 15 | 181.4 | |
1383641417 | 1383668847 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | Writer_Of_Fantasy: TIFU by cutting myself even though i was instructed how not to cut myself
Our class is carving carving linoleum, and the teacher told us how to keep our hands safe and how to carve and explained in detail 3 times to be careful, so of course what did I do.
Immediately after I started carving I put my hand near where I was cutting because I was lazy the carver slipped as I was carving and I cut along my thumb and bled everywhere. it was a deep cut and ran all along my thumb
Aftermath: had to go to sick bay and get it bandaged. It's still bleeding its 6:40pm I have home economics, I wont be able to and to make things worse were making nachos.
I really fucked up
EDIT: I know some of you thought i was being an ass so I edited the offending part out :)
Sykotron: You could have easily said carving linoleum and most people would have understood it.
SkyWarped: Makes OP seem like an asshole when he says "look it up"
Sykotron: That's what I thought: "I've got a hobby that's you're too dumb for me to briefly explain it to you."
| 4 | 4 | |
1383647659 | 1383661767 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | IxuntouchblexI: TIFU by eating 2 boxes worth of oatmeal crisp in a day.
I tried this new cereal we got and I fell in love. I finished a whole box and went back some more. I ate that new box and fell asleep. I woke up running to the bathroom. Apparently the cereal had some effect on my bowels and now I've been shitting all fucking day. My farts smell nasty and every hour its a run to the bathroom.
Biscuits_81: All of that awesome fiber!
IxuntouchblexI: Dude.. FUCK FIBRE. The amount I ate is nightmare material.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1383647862 | 1383680741 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | eezle: TIFU and cost my boss a lot of money.
I work for a very small hot sauce company and usually our boss is there to walk us through the process when we are cooking hot sauce (It's way more complex than it sounds and we make 7 different flavors). We are extremely behind on ~~ebay~~ amazon orders and rushing to make sauce so we can catch up. Pineapple habanero was the most important and we had just enough of the ingredients to make how much we needed. Our boss injured his back last night and had to relax and leave it to us. I was the only one working who had made it before so everyone was trusting me to walk us through this. I add the pineapples like a boss, throw in the garlic and stuff in all the right amounts. I'm mixing everything adding the vinegar just like how we're suppose to. The boss walks in,
"Why the hell is this so red"
"I don't know I followed all your directions, I think it looks normal"
"which peppers did you use?"
"that pot full right there" point to pot that had roughly 2 gallons of blended peppers
"you were suppose to use this" he holds up a bottle of crushed dehydrated peppers you would see at a grocery store.
now we're sitting here with 30 gallons of ruined hot sauce, I used the last of the ingredients we need to make pineapple habanero. And I used all the peppers that were suppose to go into the next sauce. My boss just said that I lost him $500 by ruining that batch, and another $300 because it'll be another month before we can make the next batch we were suppose to make.
TLDR: Everyone was depending on me and I dropped the ball.
400HPMustang: Maybe you can turn this around and market this as a special Reddit branded hot sauce and make him some money back.
CioCZ: I'd gladly buy a bottle for half off. I love spicy foods.
400HPMustang: Exactly. He can even call it TIFU. It applies to the creation of the hot sauce and the ring of fire from eating it.
eezle: We had to bottle it in gallon cartons anyway so he kept it and named it "James' fuck up". He said we'll just have to slowly add a gallon to every batch we make. I can tell he's also mad about how much room it's taking up.
| 5 | 6.4 | |
1383660540 | 1383831919 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: Today, I realized I fucked up a month ago.
Baydude98: Hey, if you have a decent computer, I could add you to my [Family Sharing](http://store.steampowered.com/sharing/) group on Steam, so you could have around ~25 or so games at your disposal to kill your boredom until you get a job?
[deleted]: The offer is much appreciated, but I am pretty stacked on Steam right now thankfully :)
| 3 | 8 | |
1383650365 | 1383674621 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | shabadah: TIFU by racially abusing my boss
We were having a pretty animated moan about upper management and inconsistent changes.
When I went to say "there are too many fucking chiefs," instead I yelled at my (Indian) boss "there are too many fucking Indians" in the middle of a crowded office.
[deleted]: Do you still have a job?
shabadah: For now. I think it's safe to say I'm not getting a raise this year though.
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1383666147 | 1383681326 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU and got caught taking a crap by a game camera.
I'm the only female on a crew of 6 guys working outdoors. I can usually cop a quick squat to pee behind a vehicle, but this call of nature required a bit more time. So, I moseyed over to the adjacent abandoned farm place and found a nice tree which provided ample privacy from my coworkers and the busy road. During the deed, I noticed a salt lick and thought, "That's funny, there are no livestock here.". Then I recalled the owner telling my son about the 8 point buck he caught on one of his game cameras. They are all directed at the salt licks around the place. Fuck.
BeefHazard: So what you're saying is that you took a crap on camera?
SkepticalLitany: Took me a couple of reads, but yea, that's what probably happened.
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1383674169 | 1383676140 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | aksdgh: TIFU by not realizing my coworker was working from home
So my company uses an internal chat messenger program. I saw my coworker's status was online so I just assumed he was in his office and I could talk to him anytime. Later in the day my manager asked me for a status update, and I told him I was working with my coworker to get it done. Well I actually hadn't even started on it and went to my coworker's office to start talking about it. I looked inside... and he wasn't there! Even though his chat status was online, he was actually working from home. Just as I was about to leave, my boss was walking down the hallway and saw me in front of my coworker's office looking like an idiot. So now my boss realizes I was lying to him when I said I was talking with my coworker... because if I was actually talking to him, how the fuck did I not realize he was working from home? I am so fucked.
Sykotron: You could have very well just chatted with your coworker on the IM client and not realized he was working from home until later.
I've been chatting with coworkers about work when for a bit before they ask if I'm working from home sometimes.
aksdgh: It's possible he might buy this... The thing is my team does a lot of in-person communication, our offices only 30 feet apart max. So it still looks bad on me.
400HPMustang: Between IM, e-mail, and phone forwarding or IP phones it's entirely possible to work with people who aren't in the office seamlessly.
Just because your offices are 30 feet a part doesn't mean you had to get up and go to his office or even had a reason to pass by.
| 4 | 5 | |
1383683940 | 1383746564 | null | t5_2to41 | 72 | holycrapitsme: TIFU by redditing at work
For anonymity purposes, I've changed names to coworker A and B.
I was redditing on my phone at work and saw an nsfw post that I clicked on. Then I get a message from coworker A so I put my phone down on my desk face up. Coworker B walks over to my desk to talk to me. I had to leave to help the coworker A with the original issue so I tell coworker B that he caught me at a bad time and I had to go. He leaves. I look down at my phone and notice that there's a gif of a girl getting splooged on repeating over and over again in plain view. Talk about awkward. So I decided to post this on /r/TIFU. Here's the gif in question:
http://i.imgur.com/dH6D2ot.gif
Edit: Marked nsfw due to inclusion of the link
Dastan33: Can I get a source for that gif, or the thread where you found it?
holycrapitsme: http://www.reddit.com/r/cumsluts/comments/1pycmq/from_the_top_gif/
[deleted]: ...I can only assume that you were on /r/cumsluts at work.
You, sir, are a brave, brave man.
holycrapitsme: I like to live dangerously. If i weren't on my phone i would paste the meme.
| 5 | 14.4 | |
1383685052 | 1383702279 | null | t5_2to41 | 61 | FrostySack: [META] Are we just giving up on the sidebar?
It's been over three months since the Fuck Up of the Week was updated. As great it much be for the reigning champ, is it just not a part of this subreddit that is cared about? I've messaged the mods twice about this.
dog_butts: I like the Fuck Up of the week, and I miss the counter. :(
FrostySack: Shit, the counter has been gone so long that I completely forgot about it.
Fgmaniac: There was a new mod search recently, but no one was selected. This isn't the first time that someone has brought it up either.
Mods, if you're overwhelmed, we're here to help! We love this subreddit, but it hasn't been growing for a while. With a community this great, we should be growing much quicker.
Some advertising via word of mouth (keyboard of commenting? I dunno, whatever it would be called) would be great, but keeping up to date with that sidebar will increase community involvement, and encourage people to post.
The only thing better than fucking up and being laughed at for it, is being *recognized* for fucking up, and then being laughed at. Wait, no. Fuck-ups suck, nearly anything would be better.
| 4 | 15.25 | |
1383684640 | 1383700198 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | hovarsaltaccount: TIFU by accidentally showing my gym teacher my dick.
I'm in highschool and p.e. was just finishing, so we go into the lockers to change. I pull down my shorts and start pulling my pants out of my locker to put them on. Unfortunately, my penis had somehow slid through the little slot in the crotch so anyone who was in front of me could see it. Fortunately, I was close to the wall and facing it so no one but the teacher saw it. When I looked up I knew he could have seen it but he didn't show any reaction. I hope he doesn't bring it up in any of my classes with him.
TheMicredible: If he's a gym teacher he has probably seen a dick before.
HydrofoilGoat: If he's a he he's probably seen a dick before
gobble_gobble_gobble: > If he's a he he's probably seen a dick before
I find this to be a very interesting concept. Please tell me more.
Gobble gobble gobble.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1383686681 | 1383755379 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | Hellion102792: TIFU by forgetting basic electronics safety and almost juicing myself
A little background. I have a 1967 Gibson Skylark, it's a small 5w tube amp. Last summer I restored it to working order by doing a full filter cap replacement and adding a 3-pronged AC cord, all without killing myself. Those 3 years of the electronics vo-tech program in high school sure have paid off. I brought it to the studio recently to record it and during the trip the positive leg of the AC cord came detached inside the amp.
Today I was bored and decided to crack it open and reattach the wire. I got it open, removed the chassis, re-soldered the cord, plugged it in and tested it. Success! Time to close it up. I slid the chassis back in place and I grabbed one of the 2 little bolts that hold it in place flat on the bottom. There's not much clearance between the top of the amp and the bottom of the chassis so I put my hand in to screw the left side in (power section is on the left, caps and components are on the right).
**ZAP!**
God I'm fucking dumb. I got distracted by my roommate after I tested the amp and my dumb ass forgot to unplug it. My right hand made contact with one of the wires and the ground and I felt electricity shoot straight up my arm. I reacted pretty much instantly and got away but man, what a feeling. I used to get shocked by my other big tube amp because I bought it without a ground pin, but that was more of a gradual awful buzzing feeling in my arms. This was a straight up zap that made my arm numb for a minute.
After I stepped away I realized how the result could've been worse. Here I was with my hand inside a plugged-in high voltage tube amp with no shoes or gloves on. Had I been more careless and made contact with the filter caps and the ground or had both hands on the chassis when I got zapped I could've possibly gotten fucked up. We don't have a circuit breaker in my apartment so I'm not sure if it would've just turned off.
Lesson learned. Pay attention if you're going to be working on something that can potentially hurt or kill you.
tl;dr: Stuck my hand in a plugged-in tube amp, got a nice little kiss from AC.
DJzrule: No offense OP but if you don't think your apartment's power is wired to at least a couple different circuit breakers, then you don't have the experience to be working inside of amplifiers. That's like the most basic understanding of home/commercial line voltage circuits.
FWIW: I repair high voltage circuitry inside of amplifiers and dimmer racks for my production company.
PixelOrange: It could be an old apartment with a fusebox instead of a circuit breaker.
That said, there's a huge difference between tinkering with small electronics and knowing about full electrical wiring. You're a trained electrician. He's a hobbyist.
DJzrule: While you've got a point about scaling experience, those capacitors pack a lot more of a punch at their rail voltage than the line 120v does.
And in an apartment building, not sure where the OP lives but I'd be surprised in this day and age if an apartment complex still has fuse boxes. It's not really law by most municipalities to have to circuit breakers instead, or even code in most places.
The people who try to insist and enforce it (with good reason) are actually realtors and the like forcing landlords to switch over. It's a convenience (huge apartment = lots of fuses and a huge stock of spares) and a safety thing (lot easier to blame injury on old wiring than it is up-to-date wiring).
Regardless, the inside of any amplifier is where you're dealing with dragons. Line voltage can be fatal, and capacitors even more-so. I just don't want the next TIFU from OP to be paralysis of his limbs.
PixelOrange: I agree that it is super dangerous and OP should be more careful. We all make mistakes. Hopefully this was his last.
Hellion102792: Definitely the last. If I have to work on it again I'll probably take it to the local tech and take notes instead.
| 6 | 3.833333 | |
1383697188 | 1383781976 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | theChristy: TIFU by attempting to set our 'atomic' clock
The time now reads 1300 hrs...on Dec 25, 2079.
I have no idea what I did. Our clock didn't set itself, I pressed two buttons, and suddenly...the future.
Freakin' daylight savings time.
theChristy: It won't change. I can't get it off military time. I am the worst at technology.
Xivios: What's the clocks model number?
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1383702122 | 1383842123 | null | t5_2to41 | 64 | Mordit: TIFU by wiping my dick with a disinfectant wipe
So after a long...LONG run I got some chafe rashes so I decided to take a bath, afterwards they were still pretty sore so I went into the cabinet and found a little packet of e-z-wipes for cleaning your hands after a meal. Being the idiot I am I wiped my thighs and crotch. IT BURNS SO BAD.
MONIYA: I don't even have a dick, and I cringed. :( Sorry bro.
gobble_gobble_gobble: > I don't even have a dick, and I cringed.
I find that to be very relevant to my interests. Do go on.
Gobble gobble gobble.
Mordit: God damn it gobble_gobble_gobble. I keep seeing you everywhere you turkey bastard
| 4 | 16 | |
1383695422 | 1383783561 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | Ihaventfuckedyet: TIFU by texting sexy time phrases to my hairdresser while getting a haircut, for her to read later, at her request, but having gone temporarily insane, sending it to my wife by mistake.
Ok some background. Me and my wife met in our mid teens, were our firsts, and knew nothing else. We married because we thought there was no other option. We've been completely dependent on each other since we met, due to some life changing circumstances, and haven't been able to make our marriage work. Needless to say our relationship had grown extremely stale, and sex was nonexistent due to the lack of emotional connection. Me being the typical guy, I was usually able to look past this lack of emotion thing, as my sexual urges overpowered any feelings of resentment towards her, at least long enough for a good fuck, you know? But understandably, it was difficult for her to switch off the conflict surrounding us. And so sex became nonexistent. Anyway, she finally gave me an ultimatum; either I left or she would. And so I left. I moved out. It was really hard , because I didn't know life apart from her. At all. I was/am very lonely. (We've been together approx 15 years).
Fast forward to today, while I am getting a haircut from a lovely lady who has just gone thru the process of separating as well. We've been in Facebook communication prior to this, and there's been flirting. Anyways, I make some sly remarks to her, and she responds by suggesting I text her something provocative so she can read it later. In my excitement I forget that I'm in the wrong chat thread. Yeah. I'm in my wife's chat. So I type madly away, with this stupid grin on my face, hot hairdresser clip clipping, and presto! first message sent. Keep typing, still grinning like a schoolboy with a crush, hot hairdresser snip snipping, words are flying out if my thumbs, 2nd message sent. Notice the bubble of dots moving directly above my text window, meaning the recipient is replying, think nothing of it. Just about thru the third text (which was definitely x-rated at this point), when the response comes in, "...um, not sure you have the right person here..."
FAAAAAACK!! Holy hell!! Wtf is wrong with me?!
LuxRex: When is someone going to finally come up with an application that equals Obi-Wan Kenobi's hand raising "these aren't the droids you're looking for" skills...
WinOSXBuntu: Because it wouldn't work for those people like OP who are using iMessage and thus an iOS device. ;-)
PS. It was the description of ... that give it away.
| 3 | 7 | |
1383706686 | 1383802052 | null | t5_2to41 | 435 | MyBigDirtySecret: TIFU by having sex with a minor
For those of you not familiar with the gay community, there is this app called Grindr that is used for "dating".
I met this kid on there who said he was 18, gave his birthday (and he was 18 and 1/2 according to that), and after talking to him for about 3 weeks, decided to meet up with him to fuck.
Now, he doesn't have a license, but in the city, that's not uncommon for most people. So I go pick him up, and since he lives like 30 min from me, I asked him where is a good place to go. He suggests a parking lot.
We get there, we're making out, he's giving me head, then I slip a condom on and I'm balls deep in his ass when 2 cops roll up. They ask for ID's (of course he doesn't have one). I give them mine. He gave them his name, address, phone number, etc, and they look up his info.
Turns out, he lied about his age on the app, lied about his birthdate when I asked him when it was, and he was only 17. I'm 24. That's outside of my states "4 year rule".
The cops told me that they couldn't say anything to me about what would happen, but they weren't arresting me then, and they are going to talk to the DA. Since he lied about his age, and I could prove he claimed to be 18, even gave a birthdate (though he lied about it), that the DA might decide not to press charges. But if the DA does press charges, I'm fucked... I'll know in a few days what will happen...
****EDIT****: GOOD NEWS! Cop just called. He spoke to the DA and since the kid lied, and I had done all I reasonably could to verify his age (since the kid didn't have an ID), then I had "reasonable belief" to believe he was over 18, and so that combined with the fact that he is 17 1/2, so very close to 18 and so even visually it's hard to tell the difference, the DA has decided not to prosecute anything. But, he did say next time, get a room and get an ID.
That being said, it's not a risk I plan to ever take again. If you are 18, give me an ID or we ain't doin' nothin'
Brainzz: Well, you could go with the common assumption on the Grindr ToS:
> AGE RESTRICTION. THE GRINDR SERVICES ARE AVAILABLE FOR INDIVIDUALS AGED 18 YEARS OR OLDER.
> 1. AGE RESTRICTED ACCESS. NO PERSONS UNDER THE AGE OF EIGHTEEN (18) YEARS (TWENTY-ONE (21) YEARS IN PLACES WHERE EIGHTEEN (18) YEARS IS NOT THE AGE OF MAJORITY) MAY DIRECTLY OR INDIRECTLY VIEW, POSSESS OR OTHERWISE USE THE GRINDR SERVICES.
> 2. AFFIRMATION OF CURRENT ADULT STATUS. YOU HEREBY AFFIRM AND WARRANT THAT YOU ARE CURRENTLY OVER THE AGE OF EIGHTEEN (18) YEARS (TWENTY-ONE (21) YEARS IN PLACES WHERE EIGHTEEN (18) YEARS IS NOT THE AGE OF MAJORITY) AND YOU ARE CAPABLE OF LAWFULLY ENTERING INTO AND PERFORMING ALL THE OBLIGATIONS SET FORTH IN THIS AGREEMENT.
user1492: Doesn't matter. Statutory rape is a strict liability crime.
His only hope is that the DA doesn't prosecute or a lenient judge.
mgriff2k4: If a person lies about his age he's at fault if OP kept his convo he should be fine if charges are pressed
lawcorrection: This is absoultey 100% false. There is no defense to a statutory rape crime. For the love of god please don't repeat this for the fact that someone some day might actually believe you and get in a heap of trouble.
Hughduffel: How is it that mens rea doesn't come into play? I'm asking as a layman, I honestly don't know.
lawcorrection: For most crimes, the mens rea required is only general intent. That means the intent to actually do what you did. So if you intended to have sex you have the requisite mens rea. In some crimes, they require specific intent which is more along the lines of what I think you are imagining, i.e. the intent to have sex with a minor.
In this case your only intent defense would be that you had a boner, tripped and fell, and it landed in the minor.
Also extra points for knowing what mens rea is.
Hughduffel: I like logic puzzles and debate, so application of the law kind of fascinates me.
Do the courts rely on the Modal Penal Code to determine the application of mens rea to a crime? If not, is it just precedent?
lawcorrection: It is a complicated issue to say how a court would look at the MPC(Model Penal Code). Generally speaking the MPC is not the law anywhere, but some states have enacted portions of it. The MPC and its commentary heavily affect how courts analyze cases though.
I'm not sure what you mean when you say "is it just precedent". To say something is precedent usually means that it is a prior judicial decision. The MPC though isn't a decision, its a model code of laws prepared by legal thinkers. Because the courts look to the MPC, but it is not a prior decision, it is called "persuasive authority", which is just a fancy way of saying it is something the courts look to in order to inform their decisions but that the courts don't have to follow it by law.
Hughduffel: Right. What I was thinking was, a decision to apply strict liability (mens rea being immaterial to guilt), versus negligence ("reasonable person" test for mens rea) to a criminal charge deviates from the code where it suggests that strict liability is only to be used for civil infractions. That kind of deviation, if upheld on appeal, creates a precedent, doesn't it? Maybe not a binding precedent (probably using that in the wrong context), but more of a guideline of what will and won't be upheld that determines essentially what level of mens rea is likely to be applied to that crime in the future, if I'm understanding right. I believe its pretty much up to the judge.
So coming around full circle, it just seems that the only way the knowledge of age is no defense, if the defendant can show that a reasonable person would believe the defendant was not underage, is if there exists a precedent where this is simply how it has been done and the appeals courts haven't disagreed. At least for this particular scenario. I'm sort of just speculating out loud how the statutory rape charge can be prosecuted in that way. Unless there's another reason that I'm completely missing. They're essentially at the mercy of the prosecutors, is what it sounds like. Even if the means the victim used to indicate their age were criminal, like a fake ID.
| 10 | 43.5 | |
1383703319 | 1383759358 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | noat1inparticular: TIFU by making a girl i was trying to date cry and make transport porn with a girl i dont even know
Last night i went out with an old school friend to see a band play. I knew a good few ppl there. Including this incredible girl that i have been flirting and swapping clothing with for some time. We both live busy lives so its always just been put on the back burner. In no rush kina thing.
So the band finishes and we all proceed to get more drunk and continue to socialize. We move from watering hole to watering hole progressively getting more inebriated.
At one of these holes i held back as there was this chick that i was having a bit of a laugh with. (Side note, sister challenged me about getting this style of chick) I am pretty steaming at this point and really just want to get some "moisture". I start making Danger Zone jokes and it worked a little to well. We end up pulling in the middle of the bar.
No more than 5 seconds had passed when who walks through the door. None other the pretty lady i so want, trying to get me to hurry up. Crying. Like hysterical crying with the sobbing to boot. She runs up to me and just hugs me. I hold her tight and kiss her on the side of the head. I try and ask whats wrong ..... i am drunk and pretty dumb. I gave up on the words and just hugged and said its all going to be all right and asked what she wanted to do.
We walk to the next watering hole. Dropping her in to her friends arms i turn to another one of my friends that was there asking him to make sure she will get safely home. They live close together. I say my good byes to the party and to the special girl i give hug and another kiss on the side of the head. Told everything would be alright and made a bee line for the door. Feeling like a total dick.
Leaving the bar i see the chick that i pulled at the other bar waiting for me. We decide that we should be heading the same directions and that would be her place. We didnt have to wait to long for a bus thankfully and it was pretty empty. Sitting at the back staring in to space my hands start to betray me and before i know i got this chicks tits out and she is sitting on my lap. The guy 5 rows ahead moves to the front of the bus. We continue whilst watching my city go by, having a rather good time with a lot of laughing. Not giving a fuck that there are cameras right above us and ... well, gin an me.
I hope that video does not come internet bound.
FML no FMD. seriously though.
Dick Head.
mr_derpy: Somehow, alcohol makes everything seem ok at the time though...
noat1inparticular: the courage to be stupid :P
| 3 | 1 | |
1383708668 | 1383795408 | null | t5_2to41 | 257 | LoverGirl1219: TIFU by skipping school to have sexy times with my boy friend
So, it was my last period of the day which was athletics, so I told my coach I was gonna ride my bike to the track then home after a run. Instead went to my boyfriend s house.
He is recently home schooled and his parents had just left so I was like, "Yes, score sexy times!"
We my first indication I should have just given up, was that I got a flat tire about a mile from his house and walked the entire way there with my bike and 50lb back pack. So I get there, help him with some chores so he can enjoy his time with me.
So anyway we finish that I entice him into his room we mess around for several hours trading places being tied down to the bed and having fun teasing each other I finnish him off he goes and showers and then says he'll take me home since my bike is flat. And of course me being the genious that I am stall for time not wanting to leave and I'm all over him when we hear car doors slam.
My heart literally stopped... He ushered me into his closet and somehow managed to fix my bike without his parents seeing... And After almost an hour of being in that closet having a heart attack that his parents were going to walk in he helped me out his window and directed me to my bike. Which I rode in darkness to my best friend's house half a mile away, where she gave me a ride home.
[deleted]: Eh you'll be fine. Why would his parents be mad that you were at his house after school? Presumably they would have no idea you skipped class, you could just say you came over after school. Unless he can't have a girlfriend/boyfriend or whatever.
LoverGirl1219: His parents are already at odds with me and if I had been found I'm pretty sure they would have called the police... Plus I am not allowed to be alone with him...
gameboy17: Do they just not like you or did something happen?
LoverGirl1219: They found out we had been intimate with each other and flipped
SuperFlyinMonke: Protective parents are really just setting themselves up to be disappointed. They'll grow up eventually or die irrational.
Justtryme90: Or in my case, grow to be despised by their child.
Edit: I'm 28, but I still resent my parents for their over-protectiveness when I was younger. I wasn't an idiot then, they didn't need to protect me from my self. A little trust goes a long way.
[deleted]: >I wasn't an idiot then, they didn't need to protect me from my self
I think you are operating under false assumptions. All kids are idiots and need to be protected from themselves.
megalurkeruygcxrtgbn: Coming froma 17 year old who has freedom and hasn't fucked up with it his entire teenage life: you're wrong. There are *always* outliers, and considering thw number of people I know that are just like me, I don't think ut's as widespread as you make it out to be.
[deleted]: Don't get your panties in a wad, it was (mostly) a joke. Also you are missing out. Your teenage years are the only time you can get away with most shit with no serious repercussions. I foresee a lot of regrets in your future.
megalurkeruygcxrtgbn: How will I regret not fucking myself over?
[deleted]: Why would you fuck yourself over?
| 12 | 21.416667 | |
1383711177 | 1384231059 | null | t5_2to41 | 38 | MercenaryOfOZ: TIFU by buying the Clean Version of the New Eminem Album
So I'm not really too close with my brother (meaning we don't talk to that much) and he asked me If I can take him to Walmart so he can buy the new Album. So I said yes I will take you after work at 8. I pick him up the second I get home and were on our way. I know hes all excited cause hes asking me if I have heard any of the songs yet and he keeps saying how he wants the deluxe version of the album. We get there and head straight to the back. I pick up the first copy that says "The Marshall Mathers LP 2 Deluxe Edition". Keep in mind that Im not very into music so I didn't realize that the album had to say explicit on it for it to be the "normal version". We get home and about 20 minutes later he says "this is the clean version" in a sad and dissapointed tone. I asked if we could return it but he said that he thinks they dont take returns. Plus he already opened it.
**tl;dr:** Tried to "Bond" and do good deed for brother and end up disappointing him
Claybrains: I don't see why you can't take it back. Hell my friend bought a tent and used it for a 3 day camping trip in the rain, and then returned it. No problem. Scumbag I know, but if they take that back I don't see why you can't return the CD. You get an A for effort though.
Lv2Drum: A lot of retail stores won't take back opened CDs/DVDs/etc. because it is possible to copy the content before returning the product. In this case I don't see why they wouldn't chalk it up to an honest mistake and give him the explicit version.
Source: I work in retail selling CDs DVDs and electronics for 3 years. My stores return policy states open discs are non-returnable and can only be exchanged for the same item if it is defective.
Claybrains: TIL
| 4 | 9.5 | |
1383745022 | 1383755783 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | rabidstoat: TIFU by telling a woman with a prosthetic hand it looked like it hurt
So I'm at a fast food restaurant with a friend. We go up to order. From what I can see of the cashier's arm it looks like she has a cast with a pin of some sort in it. There was also artwork on the cast, like someone decided to decorate it with artwork. Note: I can't see her hand at this point.
I assumed it was a bad break in her forearm, the type that needs pins to set the bone. So, making small talk, I comment, "Wow, it looks like that would've hurt."
She looks a bit awkward and says, "Not really." That's when she moves and I realize that it's actually a prosthetic forearm and hand. I just told a woman it looked like her prosthetic hand hurt.
Fuck. Awkward.
It didn't help that after we left my friend was unable to stop laughing over it.
PrinceHabib72: Eh, it'll be alright. It's perfectly understandable to think "cast" before "prosthetic". If you see her again soon enough for her to remember at all, just laugh it off. It's a little embarrassing but I'm pretty confident she wouldn't have taken offense or anything.
rabidstoat: It did have pretty cool artwork. And really, it's the fact that she was so agile with her prosthetic hand that I didn't even think of it that made me assume it was a cast.
I'm out of town on business, though, so likely won't be back. Which is something of a relief, I'm kind of embarrassed. Hopefully she wasn't!
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1383750951 | 1383796569 | null | t5_2to41 | 324 | [deleted]: Tifu by relying on a teacher for a recommendation letter
So, I asked two teachers for a recommendation letter for college. Both of the teachers knew me the best, and the schools I'm applying to all allow two letters, few allow three, but they all require two.
Anyway, one of the teachers still hasn't written me a recommendation letter, even though I asked her two months ago and reminded her. Now, I can't apply early anywhere, and I will miss out on at least two scholarship opportunities.
*EDIT:* to everyone who keeps reminding me that it is my fault, I know it is. That's why I submitted it to today *I* fucked up. The wording makes it seem like I'm blaming her, but rest assured, it's mostly my fault.
*EDIT:* My teacher finished the recommendation letter, and I was able to submit my Princeton and my scholarships on time!
gamerpro630: I can one-up that.
In high school, I needed a recommendation letter for a college level English class that I was going to take at the local university. I asked my AP English teacher at the time for a recommendation letter, thinking she would write a nice one for me, seeing as I was doing well in her class and never caused trouble. She gave me her "recommendation" a few days later. It was along the lines of "gamerpro630 is not ready for college level english. I would not recommend him to take this class, as he writes at a strictly high school level." To say the least, we were not in good terms after that. I gave the letter to the vice-principal and she was given a stern talking to.
**TL,DR**: Teacher gave me an anti-recommendation letter
afteryou_I_insist: so you got your teacher in trouble because you disagreed with her evaluation?
gamerpro630: She could have just said she couldn't write one. She didn't have to openly say that I wasn't good enough. And the language used was incredibly disrespectful.
randysjohnson: What kind of disrespectful language did she use?
gamerpro630: She talked about how I was disrespectful and had poor writing, even though I never acted out in class and aced her class. I think she just had it out for me. I'm pretty sure she black listed me when I was applying for National Honor Society junior and senior year as well.
randysjohnson: That's a shame. Some people are so unhappy with their lives that they have to pick on people with no power to feel better.
| 7 | 46.285714 | |
1383755503 | 1383768532 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | hbarover2: TIFU by trying to be nice to a stranger.
So while I was pulling out of my driveway today, this african american man comes up to me on his cell phone and tells me that his daughter, who goes to a nearby college needed help with her car.
Elaborate story aside, I was incredibly stupid. I invited him into my car, took him to CVS to get cash and then dropped him off in a bad neighborhood, where he then went into a corner store -- probably to get lottery tickets.
I knew the whole time I was getting scammed. I just went along with it and couldn't help it. Once he was in my car there was no turning back. I could have been killed or something.
I am so stupid. So so so stupid. Why can't I just learn to say no to strangers? I wasted my time and money on something completely dumb and life threatening.
seanmakesthings: I had something similar happen to me several years back. I definitely should have known better, but I was dumb and friendly. I was hanging out on my porch having a cigarette when a guy approached me and asked if I could give him a ride somewhere. I lived in a weird neighborhood. It was traditionally the "wrong side of the tracks," but there were some rich people restoring houses there since it was an historic area so there were a bunch of sketchy people and a bunch of not sketchy people in the area.
This guy seemed not too sketchy, and he just wanted to go down the road, so I said okay and we hopped in my car and drove down to the convenience store that was colloquially known as a place where lots of drug deals went down.
I started to get nervous but he asked me to hang out for a second and went in. I could have left, but I figured the guy knew where I lived, so if he wanted to fuck me up, he could. So I hung out. Then he came back out with another person, and they both got in my car and told me to go to another location. At this point, I was pretty scared, and drove them down the road again until they told me to stop.
They had me pull into a driveway and cut my headlights, then just sat there for a minute whispering to each other. Finally, I heard the second person say, "Just leave him alone, man, he drove us here and didn't ask any questions." Then they got out of the car and I hauled ass of the driveway and back to my house.
I'm convinced that if that second guy hadn't said something, I wouldn't be around to tell this story. Luckily, no one ever showed up at my place again. I dodged a major bullet that evening.
TL;DR: I went to a second location.
hbarover2: Thanks for sharing your story. It definitely makes me feel a bit better that I am not the only nice-crazy person out there. There is just the way certain people approach you and you can't say no. Especially if it is in front of your house or something.
This guy would have known where I lived. I could have just ignored him, but what if he broke into my house or something?! Ahhh... thankfully it is nearing the end of the day now, I feel a bit better now that I am learning from my stupid mistake.
seanmakesthings: Yeah, I definitely know how you must have felt in that situation. Reading your story brought memories of mine back to the forefront of my thoughts and it was not a very comfortable feeling.
I will say that since all of this in my story took place within two blocks north and south of my home, I wouldn't have been surprised if I had run into that person again, but I never did. So there's a good chance the guy in your story just ended up on your side of town by coincidence and isn't going to show up again.
That's not to say, of course, that the guy in your story or in my story was anyone that we even needed to worry about. Just because someone lives in a bad neighborhood doesn't necessarily make them a bad person. But I definitely understand where you're coming from.
hbarover2: Oh no! Sorry for being a catalyst for bringing up bad memories. I always hate that, I just feel like face-palming for the rest of the day. Here is a picture of my kitten from a few months ago : http://i.imgur.com/NmETOFn.jpg
The neighborhood I live in sounds comparable to yours - currently I attend university and live in a neighborhood outside the campus. Parts of the neighborhood is sketchy, the other bits involve typical lower-middle class families, then a bunch of med/nursing students, perhaps some under/graduate students like myself. Then across the river, where I took this guy, is a REALLY bad neighborhood, but also a lot of students live there too.
Anyone I encounter I try not to judge them, but all the robbery and assault reports we students get via email from our public safety office should have been more of a hint, I think... I just feel terrible always assuming the worst of people. However I guess that's better than feeling like you did something insane and got scammed.
| 5 | 6.4 | |
1383757632 | 1383866747 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,801 | ThatMetalPanda: TIFU by orgasming a little too hard.
So I come home this morning from a particularly long and boring night at work to my loving fiance and since I'm tired and want to relax, we split a couple bowls.
After a few minutes things start getting hot and heavy and he ends up giving me one of the greatest orgasms in my life. We then switch to different positions and he winds up getting me off with his fingers. As I finish and get up to do my womanly duty and finish him, I hear "what is that?" I turn around to see a couple brown smudges glaring up at me from our black sheets. Mortified, I mutter "oh fuck no." He asks again, and Im speechless. I start pulling the sheet off to wash it, and he points out that I have some on my side. Sure enough there was a nasty brown smudge on my hip. I'm almost crying when I go upstairs to the bathroom and clean myself off. All the while, he's laughing and cracking jokes since the discovery like "well that sex turned out shitty!". I then say "I'm sorry I'm so embarrassed!" and he responds with "are you **shitting** me? I'm just kinda laughing about it rather than being disgusted baby. Dont take it so hard" but I can't get over the embarrassment factor.
TL;DR had amazing sex that turned out shitty.
[deleted]: I think its kinda hard to gross a dude out when you're dating one. I've never had a girl really gross me out, but that may just be me.
teh_lyme: I have seen terrible, terrible things. Did not care. Had boobs.
[deleted]: Right? "I don't care if you're taking a period shit. Your boobs look awesome when you're on your period".
FishGordon: Period shits are the actual worst. Like Taco Bell shits x 1000: hot, angry fire coming out your butt hole at 75 mph.
jlzink99: Wow... All these years I thought it was just me!
FishGordon: You are not alone.
jlzink99: Is there a support group?
FishGordon: Yes. We meet on the last week of every month in a White Castle bathroom. Last stall on the left.
jlzink99: Ewwwww. I emphatically object to White Castle. That is most definitely not going to help the situation.
FishGordon: It's not supposed to. It's the only place where other people will be having more painful bowel movements than us. It soothes the soul.
jlzink99: Ohhhhh! That's quite clever!
| 12 | 150.083333 | |
1383775569 | 1383934858 | t3_1q1ayz | t5_2to41 | -2 | erutuFniatpaC: This isn't fox news, we aren't trying to scare everyone we can.
Batty-Koda: Getting checked by your doctor isn't a scary thing. When you have something abnormal happen, see a doctor. That's what they're for. Better be told "nope, you must not have it" than not be told that you do and risk another crash.
Seriously, there's nothing wrong with asking the doctor. If they say you're fine, yay! But why risk not getting checked out?
erutuFniatpaC: If you drive tired and you fall asleep you don't need a doc. You where tired and did something that is quite monotonous, falling asleep is the logical consequence.
lacrimaeveneris: Normally I would agree, but being so sound asleep (in less than three miles) that OP drove through a barn seems a little... unusual.
cryss12: Yeah considering I managed to wake-up AFTER the wreck.
| 5 | -0.4 | |
1383765846 | 1383846153 | null | t5_2to41 | 183 | lookofwords: TIFU By leaving the dog gate open (NSFW)
So, I live in a house with my brother, mom, and her boyfriend. Lets just call him Bob. So in our house we have a chihuahua. We keep her in the kitchen because she isn't house trained and she also loves to get into trouble when she manages to get out of the kitchen.
This morning I decided to go on a run, and I put the dog in the kitchen and closed the gate, little did I know that I had left it open slightly. So little of a space that her little nose could open the gate and she could escape to freedom. I come back from my run about 30 minutes later, and look in the kitchen to see the gate open and no dog.
I rush upstairs because I knew what I was going to find and I was shocked. Not only did she eat the garbage in my bathroom, used feminine products spread all over the floor, not even mine, she had also gone through my garbage and my mom's garbage in her bathroom.
Now that wasn't even the worst part. When I had cleaned up all the other messes and went to go deal with the mess in my mom's bathroom, I found a horrific scene. My mom is not a very messy person but her boyfriend, Bob, I have now discovered is the most disgusting person I could possibly meet. Why? you ask.
Most of the people I have met or talked to have said that tying knots in condoms is a polite and sanitary thing to do, because who wants to clean up week old semen? nobody! Oh no, but not Bob. There were three condoms worth of semen all over the floor, mainly due to my dog trampling all over them, two were on the floor and one was just hanging out of the trash can, dribbling for all to see.
I wanted to vomit and not even touch the mess. But I didn't want to have that argument with my mom, because what parent doesn't think that their kids are already lazy asses. So I had to hold my breath and use about 3/4 of a roll of toilet paper just to clean this mess up. I could have cried.
Now I know, always double check the doggy gate, or I'm cleaning up semen again. I rue the moment I have to see Bob again, I might vomit.
tldr; left the dog gate open, dog got out, spread mom's used condoms everywhere, had to clean up old semen. Lesson learned.
StraightAsARainbow: Why would you tie a knot in the condom if its just going into the trash? Most people dont expect dogs to spread trash everywhere.
lookofwords: I've just found it to be a common thing for people to do.
FountainsOfFluids: I have never *ever* heard of a guy tying a knot in a condom. Those things are nasty after sex, even for the guy who just used it.
tinaaay: I always tie knots in them after. Wow, I actually didn't realize that wasn't the norm. And they're really not that nasty afterwards.
FountainsOfFluids: What is the point? It's going in the trash, not the fridge!
tinaaay: Hahahahaha I just noticed your username. Weirdly relevant. And I tie them for reasons like this post. Plus if it's not a closed-top trash can, it'll smell.
| 7 | 26.142857 | |
1383785127 | 1383794669 | t3_1q1v5h | t5_2to41 | 14 | TevaUSA: I'm sure he didn't consciously choose "let's go buy beer instead of seeing papa take his final breaths". Don't throw table salt on a clearly open wound.
Purpleskyscraper: Any particular reason that it's table salt? Just wondering...
TevaUSA: It lacks the richness that unfiltered salt does, and thus wouldn't do anything (say, clean the wound) other than cause pain.
Purpleskyscraper: TIL about salt torture
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1383776707 | 1383789268 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | Marysthrow: TIFU by backing out of my garage
We have a 2-car garage, barely. I have had my license for a whopping 5 months now. We've been parking both cars in the garage for a week now. Last night I pulled in straight. This morning, I went to back out straight, and hit my mirror on the garage door frame. The garage is fine, the mirror is not. I will hopefully be able to fix it without completely replacing the mirror.
My husband and I work together, so word got around work pretty fast. I had people asking me about it as they walked by. Luckily I have a sense of humor about things, more so than my husband.
d3310n: So? Its really not that big of a fuckup, at worst you just go to a junkyard and grab another one, assuming you dont drive a rare classic or something.
Marysthrow: no, not rare or a classic. But you'd think I chopped off a limb or something the way my husband reacted. He was pissed because he 'tells me all the time to be careful' and I was careful. We have a board outside the garage that you'll run over if you're too close. I didn't hit that with my back wheels, so I don't even know what happened.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1383778367 | 1383866817 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | emerythe8th: TIFU by leaving my beloved toy on the plane.
TIFU by leaving behind my favorite electronic gaget, my red 3DS XL with Zagg protective stickies on the outside in the seat pocket on a passenger jet. I'm a little preoccupied at the moment with my grandfather's impending death my grandmother's complicated and emotionally-laden will, and missing the job that I love for three days of family stress. The passenger next to me on the plane was very irritating, her coat was constantly on my shoulder and the topper was her trying to step over me without saying anything (so I was very confused). I love my 3DS XL, I carry it with me everywhere so naturally I put it in the seat-pocket in front of me. And that's where it might still be.
TL;DR -Was pre-occupied, got mad at seat-neighbor and left my 3DS XL on the plane.
dralcax: Did you have any games you left in there?
emerythe8th: Just Pokemon X with about 30 hours on it. Sucks, but could have been worse.
dralcax: Umm... How much worse could it have been? I hope you can get it back somehow.
emerythe8th: I could have had a lot of downloaded games or all my other game cards. Still sucks pretty bad.
| 5 | 6.4 | |
1383791477 | 1383849011 | null | t5_2to41 | 322 | Spearhead90: TIFU by walking in on my brother masturbating, falling, hitting his face off the bathtub, and me pissing myself.
Its been a long night, I'm 16, on a Wednesday night, doing some chores after the lady-friend had left, and I grabbed some Kool-Aid (because I'm 5 on the inside.). I had one glass at first. Then another. Then another. Then another, and I think I got up to 13 glasses of Kool-Aid by around 7:30. So, naturally, around 8:15, I REALLY have to piss...
My brother was in the main bathroom however, and my mother was in hers. So I had to hold it. And I waited... For what seems like an *eternity*. I eventually got to the point where I couldn't hold it any longer. So I ran to the main bathroom door, and it's one that can be unlocked from the outside, so I quickly unlock it, and I step halfway in to see my brother, bent over the toilet, Johnson in one hand, laptop on the counter, crankin' his shank. He sees me, loudly yells "Fucker!", tries to run and jump into the shower, only ending up in him slipping on a towel on the floor, and smashing his face on the side of the bathtub.
I start laughing **HYSTERICALLY**. Completely oblivious to the fact that I still had to piss like a motherfucker. I'm rolling on the floor, laughing, when my bladder can't handle it anymore, and just releases.
So now, I'm writing this, after I've thrown my favorite shirt and pants into the wash, smelling like piss, while trying not to think of the image of my brother jerkin' his gherkin. And yes, he was fine, probably gonna have a nice black eye though.
TL;DR: Had to piss bad, walked in on my brother masturbating, he freaks out, trips and hits his face off the bathtub, I laugh, then piss myself.
**Edit:** Answers to a couple questions.
1. I didn't pee outside because I live in Maine, and at night, it gets cold, cold enough that my golden stream would freeze as soon as it left my piping.
2. I never thought of peeing in a bottle... I shoulda done that... But then this all wouldn't have unfolded as it did, and it wouldn't be as funny.
3. I am of the male gender.
4. My brother is 14. Makes it a little worse, doesn't it?
[deleted]: Why didn't you just pee in a bottle?
that_car_girl: Or outside...
AuctionSniper: Or in the sink...
Grape_Salad: How... How do you do this? You squat over the sink?
[deleted]: If the op wasn't a man then this would be a problem.
that_car_girl: No. As a girl you can sit on a sink, and long as the faucet it recessed a little.
[deleted]: Depends on the size of the sink I'd wager, most bathroom sinks I've come across are rather small.
that_car_girl: Both of the bathrooms were taken though. So there would still be the kitchen sink...
[deleted]: But.. kitchen... that's where the food is!
that_car_girl: True.. there's always outside! Considering op is a male, he could have sucked it up and pissed outside in a bush..
| 11 | 29.272727 | |
1383787056 | 1383845474 | null | t5_2to41 | 52 | TheSicks: TIFU by shaving in foreign territory
I actually shaved my nether regions about 3 days ago, but it caught up with me this morning when I was at work. I made the mistake of using a cheap single blade razor to shave the base of my no-no zone and got a really bad regrowth irritation.
It started out as a little itching, but eventually became so irritated that it felt like a a cactus was rapidly growing out of my pubes. I was able to scratch furiously and discreetly, but after a while the pain/itch became so intense, I was scratching every three seconds. It made the last 3 hours of work utterly unbearable. I contemplated euthanasia several times.
I work as a truck driver and I was inside of a refrigerated warehouse unloading an entire truck load of pallets. I managed to duck behind pallets to obscure my scratching, but I'm almost certain that a guy saw me liking down my pants like I had never seen my own penis before. I'm pretty sure everyone there thinks I have an STD or something. I thought maybe that the cold air was irritating me, so I put on lotion. Didn't help. Then I put on gold bond. Nothing!
It was the worse thing I've felt next to a sprained ankle that swole to the size of an Idaho potato. The itching and scratching gave way to a stinging pain like hundreds of tiny needles poking me in the pubes.
Eventually, I finished working, got in my 18 Wheeler, and cleaned and reapplied gold bond to the affected area. This time, I felt the cool, fiery burning of mentholated gold bond and immediately regretted my decision. So I cleaned it again, and just grabbed as much ice shavings as I could from the freezer and put them on my raw junk. After three helpings, I was able to get to the nearest store to purchase a bag of ice and wore a plastic baggy filled with ice cubes for the next hour and a half. After a while, everything was so numb, I couldn't feel the pain.
Needless to say, I'm never shaving again. I'd rather die.
Tl;Dr Shaved with cheap supplies. Feels like a cactus is growing out of my junk.
BBoxall: Scissors my friend, scissors.
[deleted]: You can't use scissors on your nut sack. Not if you want them smooth as eggs.
msager12: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aUa6BhGRxNw
[deleted]: You nailed the reference. I left out the Botox part, because that hurts me to think about.
| 5 | 10.4 | |
1383785332 | 1383842857 | null | t5_2to41 | 51 | 837746227395021: TIFU by lending my friend some boots
I have a dirty little secret: I own a vibrator. I own a 4 inch long, three speed, rotating, vibrating, vibrator, and occasionally when all of my housemates are out, I use my vibrator. I'm sure I'm not the only straight man who owns a vibrator, but I can't say I've ever met another man who owns up to having one.
I also own a pair of hiking boots. When I'm not using my vibrator, I like to do normal people things, such as hiking.
I live in a house with three other people. I hope they don't go in my room when I'm not around, but as a precaution I hide my vibrator. Not in my top drawer with my condoms and my medication and my Magic The Gathering cards, I don't care if they see any of that stuff, I hide my vibrator in my hiking boots which sit at the bottom of my wardrobe.
Today at about 12pm I received a text from my friend - he's going away camping for a couple of days and his boots are wrecked, so he asked me if he could borrow my boots seeing as we are the same shoe size.
I said yes, he could borrow my hiking boots. I told him to come over and pick them up at about 7pm, when I'm back from work, and have had a chance to eat some dinner and remove my vibrator from its hiding place. He said OK.
At about 4pm my friend, being in the area at the time, decided to knock on my door. I wasn't in, but my housemate was. She let my friend in, and kindly helped him look for my boots. They found my boots, and my friend took them and text me to inform me of this.
It is now 8pm. I haven't heard anything more from my friend. I don't know whether or not he has discovered my vibrator yet. I don't know what I'm going to do when he goes to put on my boot only to find a 4 inch vibrator in there. I imagine it's going to be awkward. I hope he doesn't post about it on facebook. He's definitely the sort of shit friend who would do that.
notalurker99: Straight guy here. I've used my vibrating toothbrush many times such as that.
granpooba19: I hope you have two tooth brushes.
T_at: ..and not shiny brown teeth.
| 4 | 12.75 | |
1383789515 | 1383830918 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | Revelgoodpeople: Waiting 5 days to register for classes...
So Nov1st was the first day to register for classes for the spring semester, I had met with my advisor in the middle of october so I was set, but me being the procrastinating asshole I am, kept saying, i want to double check and maybe rearrange some of my classes. So I finally went to do that... nov 6th and when I went to check out the class availability, I saw that my General Bio class was 100% booked at all times both days of the week. So I have 2 options, I can take it the next fall semester, or during the summer for 1 month straight for 4 days a week.
/sigh, Instead of 2 years, looks like I'm lookin' at 2.5
[deleted]: Just wait until add/drop week next semester, classes always open up or you can get an override.
Revelgoodpeople: Will do.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1383805887 | 1384626769 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | VE2519: TIFU by overestimating my swimming ability.
Ok, not exactly today, but on a Sunday a few weeks ago, and no, it did not involve anyone shitting themselves.
I was hanging out with some friends and my crush. We were all derping about at the 1.5m end of an Olympic sized pool, playing tag, fighting with giant noodles, usual pool stuff. My crush randomly decides to swim to the other side. I thought to myself, "Hey, maybe I could swim to the other side too. What could go wrong?"
For my entire life I thought I was slightly better than the average swimmer. I was about to be proven wrong the hard way.
I started swimming, moving my arms, paddling my feet and whatnot in what I thought was a rhythm/pattern. But regardless, so far so good. I made it to halfway across the pool when my stamina suddenly decided to drop like an anvil. I thought, "Maybe I should just pause there a moment. No worries."
What I normally do to regain stamina is sink, then rebound at the pool floor in a forward thrusting motion. I do just that. After my whole body went a foot or two downward, I felt a disturbance of some kind. My feet have not yet made contact with the pool floor. I immediately figured that the pool was too deep, and so I doggy-paddled sideways, lunged for a lane divider, grappled it and then hauled myself to the other side of the pool with as much effort as I humanly could.
I grabbed on to the edge and then looked up to see the lifeguard looking down at me. He asked if I was okay, and I responded with "yeah". He then asked something like "do you have any idea how deep the pool is?" I looked back at him, confused. I then looked at the depth label in front of me. It said "4m." I was all like "...damn." I then got out of the pool and then examined it. I realized that I have lost all my stamina in the middle of the pool, where it was 5m deep.
Promptly, I went back to the 1.5m end, trying to shake off the fact that I'd almost drowned that day. My friends and my crush had seen everything, and my crush in particular said something like, "Dammit VE2519, you don't know how to swim properly! I'll make sure to spontaneously give you a swimming lesson whenever we meet here... =)" She almost never let me live it down from that day on.
[TL;DR] Learned the hard way that I've been lying to myself my entire life about my ability to swim.
[deleted]: Just float man, my god. Roll over on your back and sort of doggy paddle slowly backwards, if that makes sense. It's hard to drown in that position
dyls164: Unless your back sinks a little and your face goes completely underwater. ... *childhood memories*
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1383815273 | 1383854348 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | [deleted]: TIFU by shitting on the floor
I have suffered from lazy bowels since a toddler. I have not had a natural bowel movement in years. Once (or twice) a week, I relieve my chronic constipation with an ample amount of stimulant laxatives as nothing else works. Since my stomach was distended, resembling one belonging to a pregnant woman, I decided it was time and went ahead and took my weekly dose and layed down. Usually it takes about 18-24 hours to "kick in". During this time, I try to spend as much time as possible sleeping to avoid dealing with the belly ache.
I woke up with sharp pains. I looked at the time on my iPod and estimated that about 12 hours had passed. I could tell i wasn't going to go for awhile, so i tried to go back to sleep instead of wallow in pain. I succeeded. About four hours later I woke up with more pain, followed by gurgling and nausea. I knew by the symptoms I would be due within a hour or so, but I felt fatigued and I couldn't get myself out of bed, and eventually I fell back asleep.
I knew I needed to get up, get ready for the day, and go to a place where I could use the restroom, since there is not one where I live. (I live in a storage unit). Well, I truly fucked myself because he next time I woke up a week's worth of food was ready to blow out of my ass, and there wasn't a toilet in site.
I didn't live far from a couple cafés and a mcds but there was no way i was going to go looking unkempt, the only way I've been able to live here is by not drawing attention to myself, so I couldn't risk it. Plus, I didn't have time tog et ready, so I knew what I had to do.
I literally had his little triangle of space to use as there's ain't much free space in my unit. I found shopping bags and decided they would be thick enough to use. I figured I'd go for round one, throw away the bag, and go to the cafe to finish defecating. Well, life never goes as planned.
I began shitting nonstop, and it began to overflow. I reached for another bag, slipped, amusing the bag to rip and you can imagine the mess that ensued. I don't know why in the hell I would use the paper bags even if they were seemingly heavy-duty. I guess I deserved it, but I was still foggy minded since I had just woke up.
This actually happened yesterday. I have since been able to clean up the mess entirely and get rid of the odor. I am sure the storage owners are not too happy about the shitty bags, and I am hoping they don't know it's me. I was sure to load up on ziplock bags to prevent this happening again, but I definitely fucked up big time.
This was a lot longer than I intended. Sorry,
**Edit:** Everyone seems to be more interested in the fact I live in a storage unit than my shitty accident, so I will indulge your curiosity. I cannot go into too many details as I am 1.) Using the library computer which we all know is monitored 2.) could give away my identity if I am overly specific. I will say that I never intended on moving in the unit. It was that I had to suddenly move, and I did not have a place to go. Plus, I didn't want to pay to move in with another roommate when I may have to move again, so the plan was to put my stuff in storage while I slept in a fully furnished room; however, I haven't been able to find a place (or a job). I am a college student, so not much on the resume' yet. I have not been living there very long, but I have to admit that it isn't that bad since I have a bed in there and stuff. I am not a high maintenance person, and i prefer solitude, so it is actually ideal for me. I don't have to worry about neighbors, roommates, etc, but I will probably be moving out as soon as I can. It is (obviously) illegal and I am in no way interested in going to jail. How the hell would I explain that mugshot to my future employers when they google my name. But to answer your question, I just recently have been running into a lot of bad luck. As for avoiding getting caught, when people see me, I look rather normal. Also, (not to brag), but I am fairly attractive, so that helps too I think. That being said, I often find that I inadvertently draw attention to myself with my eccentric behavior, so I know I can't keep this up for long.
DJDemyan: People live in storage units? That's awful!
[deleted]: Yeah, I'm not the only one either. I have noticed a few others that have beds and hang out there. I have always felt people live way above their means. I mean, in some countries, I am sure they would prefer my storage unit to their home. I probably sound like a bum, lol. Again, I did not plan this. It just sort've happened when I had to suddenly move out and I did not have a place to go.
| 3 | 10.666667 | |
1383813883 | 1383816487 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU and lost 1000 dollars on non-refundable travel expenses.
I fucked up by neglecting a single facet of my trip and was unable to cancel anything because I decided to travel one day in advance. I managed to get everything in place except for one tiny detail.
Goodbye 1000 dollars! I feel like a fucking idiot. It makes me want to throw up.
shortfermata: dude, that sucks big time. hopefully the rest of your travelling goes well.
ComplimentingBot: I like you more than the smell of Grandma's home-made apple pies
shortfermata: Aw! You too, ComplimentingBot. <3
| 4 | 1 | |
1383788135 | 1384345588 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | Tyrannical_Rek: TIFU returning clothes to Walmart (NSFWish)
I went to return a hoodie I bought from Walmart because the hood had been torn before I bought it. I found out the hard way that there is a STRICT no return policy when there is a giant cum stain on the front of the hoodie! I got drunk the night before and must have masturbated and got some on it. I didn't know there was a very obvious jizz stain until the lady saw it. If only you could feel the tension when she realized what it was......
Suitablystoned: yea man you should have kicked off and started screaming about some walmart douche jacking it on your hoodie before you bought it
dralcax: www.notalwaysright.com
Suitablystoned: can we get some kind of punctuation mark for sarchasm? i was messing around. good point though
dralcax: www.lmgtfy.com/?q=sarcmark
Suitablystoned: delivered as promised. the more you know...
| 6 | 5.333333 | |
1383800131 | 1384047339 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | Walmartninja: TIFU by calling the cops at work
I work at this Deli Shop and its my second week working. So, There I was, slicing all kinds of meat using the slicer. I was already doing some minor fuck ups through out the day but the major one was when I was slicing. The security alarm control is right next to the slicer up against the wall and on there is a button to call the cops. Well, to clean the slicer, I have to move it and its right next to the alarm. I must have bumped the button while I was cleaning it or working the slicer because 2 cops showed up all pissed off that it was a false alarm and now the store could be fined. OutFuckingStanding.
TL;DR I fucked up by accidentally pressing the silent alarm to call the cops while working the slicer and now the store could be fined for a false alarm.
UltimaVirus: Hell, I've called the cops probably twice to our office because we have to dial 9 to get out and I dial a lot of long-distance numbers... so most of my calls start with 9-1.
Dis-Place: System Admin here, confirmed.
By law your telephony system will take 911 and send it right out of the network to the public system ignoring any numbers dialed after 911, so you do not have to dial 9911 in an emergency.
It happens, let your IT Dept know, they understand and 911 understands, it is worth the odd mis-dial to have the service available.
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1383833787 | 1383906872 | null | t5_2to41 | 911 | Alcapwn92: TIFU by reading reddit in class.
So I was reading the front page Ask Reddit post on sex. Someone wrote how sex had a certain smell and the following comment said "Sounds juicy". For some reason I thought it was hilarious and had a quick laugh out loud.
But there was a person giving a speech in front of the class...she is also the one person in class who has waited to give her speech on the last possible day because she was so nervous.
TIL I am an asshole.
Edit* Words.
Sir_Mine-a-lot: Tell her if you feel bad :) Apologise. I'm sure she'll understand
jortgonfreit: Or she'll feel even more insulted that he wasn't even paying attention to her to begin with.
zweischeisse: Not sure of OP's age, but anyone who has given more than a few class presentations probably understands that their classmates aren't paying attention.
R3D1t: only one person in my class doesnt pay attention during presentations and excluding him. everyone pays attention
Phylonyus: Hmm, I wonder if this will remain true as you grow your sample size...
R3D1t: i think it depends on the people because im in a class where a majority of people are motivated to get as many points as possible as it is not so difficult to.
Phylonyus: We would need to know how points relate to paying attention to presentations. If you merely need to appear attentive, then feigning such attention would suffice. If responses showing listening were required, then I would assume most people would attempt a strategy minimizing the time actually paying attention, like listening to the first half only, or only the opening and conclusion.
I think a better characterization is how invested students are in the material. Generally, I fall back to "people taking a class for general education credit are doing just that, taking the class for a credit." These people will be trying to minimize effort and maximize point returns, and so will be the first to employ the strategies discussed above. However, if someone is taking a class to learn, then you can assume they will be attentive throughout the entire course.
R3D1t: the most points in a course is 7 and part of that is the oral presentation which gives context for the final essay which has the most %. so if no attention paid = no context for essay = minimal points
Phylonyus: Do you write an essay to follow someone else's presentation? I'm still unclear as to how these other people's presentations interact with your grade.
Also, this sounds like an IB course, which would mean you're still in high school. It seems like you've had a fairly academically focused set of peers so far, and since I'm in the mood from that thread on askreddit: a lot of people don't give a shit about learning, and they'll be in college with you.
R3D1t: it is ib
| 11 | 82.818182 | |
1383847215 | 1383859516 | null | t5_2to41 | 156 | rebelutionboarder: TIFU by pissing on my girlfriend.
Just bought a brand new memory foam bed. Guy asked if I wanted a waterproof liner I said no. Had a dream I was at a party and needed to piss. Went into the bathroom in my dream and started pissing. Pissed all over brand new bed and girlfriend. Didn't even drink last night. Fml
ChillingInTraffic: Wow, I bet your girlfriend was pissed about that one...
rebelutionboarder: Better pissed off than pissed on.... Oh wait
sdoorex: It's alright, pissed on cancels out pissed off. It's like using your pee to put out a fire. Also, watersports.
| 4 | 39 | |
1383851874 | 1383860738 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by bailing
(non-native english, be gentle)
Let me just **briefly** explain the relationship with this girl.
I knew this girl before college (technical university in my country), but nothing serious. Two months passed since the semester started and it seems that we are good friends. We usually talk about anything. I try to make her laugh all the time, because it makes me happy. I even take showers at her place sometimes. She sometimes just undresses right in front of me, when needs to change her clothes.
She seems to decline every invitation from other boys and usually tells them that she has a boyfriend, while she clearly doesn't. She even told me that she made this shit up, just so they leave her alone.
Well, today she just randomly mentioned that her female roommates left her place, because they went to visit their families. She said this while looking at me, there were other people sitting with us. I acknowledged this fact by nodding, and by smiling a little. I was working away at the table (doing some coding and shit).
Then we both went to our last classes that day. She finished earlier, when I finished she was already at her place.
After I finished, I sent her a text message mentioning the fact that she mentioned at the table. Few texts later, I am literally invited there. I am sure she knew what I meant by that first message.
Here comes the TIFU part. My brain just starts fucking overanalyzing and overthinking the whole situation. I consider lot of pros and cons. Somehow my fucking brain ends up with this logical solution. This TIFU part happens while I'm sitting in front of her place. Just fucking few meters from her house. After sitting there for like 30 minutes, I send her this ";-) some other time", and leave. She never wrote back. I might see her tomorrow if I want to. Then she leaves for the weekend.
**What should I do? Try to avoid her until Monday when she comes back or try to meet her tommorow and tell her what?**
K1ND_BUDZ: Send her one text telling her basically what you told us. You got nervous, panicked at the last second and bailed. Apologize and then leave it at that.
Edit: Or meet up with her and tell her what you told us
7upTurken: I second this
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1383857985 | 1383877400 | null | t5_2to41 | 52 | FlashFlip: TIFU by going to the mall.
So today was one of those days where I lost the motivation to go to class, and I decided instead to kill some time at the mall.
I had a dear old time, walking through the mall to get to the bookstore. I walked in, checked out one of Grisham's novels, thinking I would buy it. I decided against it, and wandered around the store some more. I read a couple of chapters of another book, then decided to leave. I figured it was time for lunch.
I take the escalator up to the mall food court, and turn to my right thinking to myself: "I'm thinking Arby's." But little did I know this would seal my fate. As I turn the corner, half asleep, thinking about the books I read, there she stands: a girl I went to high school with, who has MAJOR attachment issues. (To put it into perspective, when her last boyfriend dumped her, she went into a 2 year cycle of depression and trying to get him back. Two whole years of that shit. Which she clung to me to cause apparently I was one of her best friends. So fuck. I thought I was rid of her.) She runs up to me, super excited, and I didn't even motion for a hug. She opens her arms and throws them around me screaming "OH MY GOD I MISS YOU". Not wanting any of that I kinda just squeaked out a "Hey, how are you?" and as a courtesy (and not wanting to go home quite yet) I decided I'd sit with her through her lunch.
We got to talking about basic things. School, work, plans for the future, that sort of stuff. I'm on meds that make me drowsy so I kept yawning a lot, and she remarked how I needed to sleep more, and I always responded by saying that's not happening, and how I'm too busy with papers and test to sleep. So we chatted for a few more minutes, and she had to go to work. My car was in the same direction, so I went with.
We were walking, and things suddenly got so much worse. She puts her arm in mine, and she starts talking about buying matching onesies and how much we'd need to hang out. I immediately said I'm not going to buy a onesie, or ever wear one. That I have a robe for a reason, and that I blatantly refuse to wear such an atrocity. When it came to hanging out, I always responded with a maybe or eventually. Everyone who knows me know that if I say one of those two words to you it's a solid but more polite no, and everyone knew that in high school. But not her. I guess I shot myself in the foot with that one, cause she still thinks I'm open to hanging out. She tries to drag me into her store (which is a women's clothing and lingerie store) saying I have to meet everybody. I tell her no, that I got to go and study. So I say goodbye, and I walk off. Not more than 30 seconds later, as I walk into the Discovery Hut, she texts me saying "Hi! Lol".
At this point I'm just thinking to myself how much of an idiot I am. I should have just said hi, gotten my food, walked to my car and drove away. Instead, I sat there and talked to this girl who goes bat shit nuts easily. I text one of my friends, explaining what had just happened. She's laughing at me saying:
"SHE JUMP ON THAT DICK FASTER THAN SONIC IN A SPEED RACE DAMN MY NIGGA. YOU BETTA WATCH OUT FOR THAT ONE HONEY, SHE A FIND WHERE YA LIVE SO FAST, BE OUTSIDE YA WINDOW RIGHT WHEN YOU GET HOME SINGING 80'S POWER BALLADS WITH AN ACOUSTIC GUITAR, JUST STRUMMIN AWAY. BUST THAT DOOR OPEN BAM SHE NAKED ON THE FLOOR WITH SOME ROSE PETALS STREWN ON THE BED N SHIT. SHE GONNA SHIMMY UP THAT DRAIN PIPE OF YOURS TOO MY NIGGA. YOU FEEL? SHE AGILE AS SHIT YOU BETTER RECOGNIZE." (My friend and mall-girl used to be friends by the way.)
So since then (this happened a couple of hours ago) I've refused to respond to her text, and since I know turning her down will make her go nuts, I'm thinking of going to the bar, and drinking myself into a coma to not deal with.
----------
tl;dr: I went to the mall, ran into a girl I thought I was done with who has major attachment issues, and I don't want.
Shumino: Clearly you need to fake your death
FlashFlip: I'm thinking about it. I have a plan all set up too
[deleted]: What if you say you forgot who she was and blocked her number? Or get a restraining order.
FlashFlip: Unfortunately she knows I have her number, and that I don't have it blocked. Don't think I can get a restraining order either, though that would be convenient.
[deleted]: Say your into drugs and offer her a plastic bag of crushed blue candy?
| 6 | 8.666667 | |
1383856854 | 1384450719 | null | t5_2to41 | 48 | Servomoore: TIFU by whining in a comment section
I ~~am~~ was a freelance contributor to Cracked.com. Today an article was published where they were trying to recruit new freelance writers. In the comment section for it, I saw somebody say something to the effect of "nobody looks down on you" among the site's editors. I commented on that that in fact I had been insulted a few times. Then I went on about how I'd sold articles Cracked.com didn't want to other sites and got paid more by them. Other person asked why they're trying to recruit new writers and I said that it was because they pay new writers half what they do people that have been published five times. Then I went to work.
During my break, I got a message telling me that if I didn't apologize and retract my statements in the comment section I would be banned, but it turned out they decided to pull the trigger anyway.
So it goes.
FlyingFuckasaur: >I am was
and you call yourself an editor
BeaverTag: Plot twist. He was fired as he wrote this post.
Servomoore: I don't think fired is really the right idea for it. I'm just not allowed to submit ideas to them that could become articles.
BeaverTag: Demoted?
Hulasikali_Wala: Maybe even...banned? Maybe?
| 6 | 8 | |
1383860348 | 1383862510 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | Fryulator: TIFU before I was even awake
I'm an interesting person in that I'm both a light and heavy sleeper at the same time. What I mean by that is that is quite difficult to wake me unnecessarily, but I am still fully aware of and will react to most interruptions as if I were awake, and will will even wake up fully if I need to. This has lead to some interesting situations, including but not limited to: holding conversations I don't remember, throwing objects at intruders, sending text message replies, and turning off the air compressor outside my room. Sometimes, if my subconscious deems it important enough, I'll even leave myself a mental sticky note, like "Check your phone" or "Your mom wants something." Today was no different.
I had been asleep roughly an hour, when my phone buzzes. I remember this because the only calls I get at 8 AM are either collections, or important/emergencies. I see the unknown number and write it off as the former, and just let it go to message and go back to sleep. I woke up properly rested at 10, and realized I had one of those mental sticky notes for myself. "Check your phone" it said. I was a little confused by this, as I had no missed calls shown, no new voicemail, and no new text messages. By pure luck, my finger accidentally twitched and pulled up the recent call log. One call answered, today, at 8 AM. This wasn't right. I had let that one go, or so I thought. Oh well, what's done is done, better move on to damage control and see which collections agency will be harassing me this month. On to Google!
This is where it gets a little interesting, as the unknown number was completely unlisted, and the only information I could find was that it was local (Obvious anyways) and that it was a land line. After a few minutes of intense internal debate, curiosity overcame caution, and I called the number. They answered it on the first ring, and in an energetic, fast voice they say "Hello this is I'mgoingtospeaktoofastforyoutounderstandwhatI'msaying desk. How may I help you?" Interesting, this scenario was unexpected. Not wanting to ask her to repeat herself, I kindly explain I had received a call from this number, and then the voice at the other end asked me if I knew anyone who worked there, or if I was applying for work.
Oh shit. I knew who this was. The words she said at the beginning had untangled, and suddenly it all clicked. This was somewhere I had just sent my resume off to. This was a job I actually wanted. And I'm desperate for work. But mostly, this was a job that I wanted. I told her that yes, I had in fact just recently applied for work there, and she transfers my call to the right department. This time, I get an answering machine. So, I left a message explaining who I was, what my plight was, while omitting a few unimportant details, and end the call.
Now I am left wondering how badly I fucked up, what, if anything, asleep me said, and if they are still interested in hiring me.
TL;DR: Fry used snore! It's super effective!
UPDATE: They called me back and still want to do the interview! I guess I didn't fuck up too badly after all!
mysleading: I, too hold conversations while asleep along with do things. Usually nothing big like actually talking on the phone or getting up to do something too important, but nonetheless I have done those in the past. Someone comes into my room and says "Are you still up for that (fill in the random activity that was recently brought to my attention here)?" and my response is always No, "Go away" or something along those lines. I'm sure I just say NO to everything. Offer me a million dollars and I will decline because sleep is more important to me, while asleep.
ComplimentingBot: You smell nice
| 3 | 8 | |
1383862176 | 1383874787 | null | t5_2to41 | 61 | lawnicus18: TIFU the Last Post
So today, it was a remembrance day service at our school, and I was chosen to play the Last Post, on my trumpet. So, I start playing, I'm so nervous that I fuck it up a lot, and after a bit, I say "SHIT!" pretty damn loud. I was behind a curtain, and I could hear people chucking and holding back laughter. I finish playing and then during the moment of silence, people started laughing. After the service, I was told that I made the mayor, a cop, a World War Two veteran, a Korean War veteran, and the principal laugh. How the fuck am I not suspended right now....
TL;DR: fucked up on something to remember fallen soldiers, ended up being remembered for my swearing capabilities.
notalurker99: Remembrace Day? On the 7th?
jay212127: Schools are closed on the 11th, and several are closed on the 8th, so Today is a reasonable day for it.
notalurker99: My old middle school is doing something on the 11th. Civil Air Patrol is presenting the colors and everything.
jay212127: is the civil air patrol part of the main Remembrance Day Ceremony?
my elementary school and high school held their ceremony like most assemblies on a day before Remembrance day. which i figured was similar to OP.
notalurker99: Our local squadron does it at the school, so yes.
| 6 | 10.166667 | |
1383849154 | 1383867419 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | sp00nzhx: TIFU by eating Thai food.
Technically, I ate the Thai food last night. However, today came the pain.
I'm usually known in my circle of friends as the guy who gets food that other people considers inedible (be it tofu as I'm a vegetarian, or, as is the case here, spicy). I love my spicy food. It burns so good.
But now... Today... I woke up for my morning bathroom stuff and now my asshole is on fire. The waitress warned me about it but I had already had their Thai Hot pad thai. I guess I'd forgotten about the day after.
I'm on faiyah.
UltimaVirus: Worth it.
sp00nzhx: So worth it.
| 3 | 2 | |
1383867264 | 1383945203 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | FundRacer: TIFU with 3 seemingly insignificant actions, culminating in 3 facepalms.
Be warned that this story may be too tame for some people's taste but it certainly made me feel stupid.
So I've just finished work. I've been working out in the rain all day and I've promised myself a subway as motivation for getting through the day. So I go to the Subway around the corner from where I need to get a bus. I have twenty minutes before my bus is due (and it's always late).
I want to get a subway to take home to my gf as well and decide not to eat mine until I get home so we can eat together. I also decide to order it as late as possible (sensibly allowing a couple of minutes for potential delays) so that the sandwiches are as hot as possible when I get home. So I order a coffee and a cookie and sit down, enjoying the heat and the shelter for the first few minutes.
When I have ten minutes remaining before my bus iss due, I order the two sandwiches. I ask the guy at the till to take one of them out of the points on my subcard. He doesn't hear me. He asks me for money for both of them, I ask again (FU), despite knowing I'll lose time while the order was voided and re-entered. I've got 4 minutes to go at this point.
I stand looking at my watch the whole time whilst the guy at the register gets his manager to approve the void and then the card machine decides to stop working just when I try to pay (I can't use cash because I need my change for the bus).
Finally I manage to pay, one minute after the bus is due. I walked outside and I see it coming up the road. I have two choices of bus stop.
- Choice One is the one I'd been planning on, about 70 metres away, around the corner behind. With the rate traffic is going, I can easily get to it before the bus.
- Choice two is on the other side of the crossroads (Subway is on the corner with this bus stop on the corner opposite), the first stop the bus will reach.
It occurs to me that choice one is the safe choice but as I see the bus pulling in to choice two and a few people walking up to it, just large enough group to sufficiently stall the bus, the daredevil in me awakens.
I quickly glance around at the cars and the lights. All visible traffic lights are red and all cars are stopped but I'm sure how long they've been like that. I quickly dart across (FU) and halfway there some of the cars start tooting their horns. I assume a light has turned green, panick and run faster. When I reach the other side, a pedestrian stops me.
'You dropped your bag.', he says.
I glance at the bus. The last member of the queue is getting on. I turn and look behind me. There, about 1 metre into the road on the other side is the bag containing one of the two subs. This is what the honking horns were trying to indicate. I stand watching (FU) in horror as the traffic slowly begin to move. One car turns and its front wheel goes right down the middle of the sub-shaped lump in the bag. There was a loud pop, confirming it's destruction. (FP)
The helpful pedestrian comments behind me 'Ouch... I don't know what it was but....'
Accepting my loss I turn back... to see the bus pulling away. (FP)
Instinctively, I clench... bursting the coffee cup in my right hand. (FP)
Incidentally the sandwich I still have left wasn't mine.
40 minutes later I get on a bus from choice one, having bought and eaten a paid-for sandwich and standing in the rain for 15 minutes waiting.
Edit: TL;DR:
Dropped my sandwich in the road, whist rushing to catch a bus. Whist watching the sandwich get crushed, missed the bus.
Soccadude123: Y u no TLDR
FundRacer: Done.
Soccadude123: OP delivers. Thanks.
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1383877546 | 1383934355 | null | t5_2to41 | 54 | Jball19: TIFU by accidentally playing porn in a lecture.
Note: Not that it really matters but. I'm a girl and everyone on my nursing course bar like 3 people are female.
last night I decided to have some me time whilst watching a bit of porn. My laptop is a load if shit so i decided to watch it on my tablet. I finish up halfway through a video then lock my screen.
So today comes along and I am in a 9oclock lecture on communication and academic portfolios.... BORING! About 20 minutes in I remembered I had chucked my tablet in my bag this morning. I get it out to read some fuck ups on reddit when...'ugh! ugh! yeah! yeah! yeah!' The video I was watching last night had continued from where it left off.
Under pressure I turn completely retarded and hit back repeatedly rather than just locking the screen or turning it down and it took waaaaay longer than it should of to shut it up! As I was at the back everyone turned around to look at me! Safe to say I went a lovely shade of crimson and I shall learn to always check my tablet before taking it out of my room!
Tl.Dr watched porn and locked screen half way through video. Next day unlock in lecture and can't shut it up quick enough. Whole hall looks at me.
Soccadude123: I've read to many posts about people reopening porn from the night before. You people have two choices, stop watching porn or close the frickn video after you've cleared the snorkel.
b2311e: > cleared the snorkel
| 3 | 18 | |
1383880274 | 1383956939 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,018 | BicycleRacked: TIFU by trying to be flirty
This morning, during a field trip, my class was disembarking the bus at a rest stop when I spotted my crush. I wanted to hang out with him during the stop since I didn't get to sit next to him.
I snatched his hat off his head and put it on. "Ha ha! Got your hat!" I squealed as cutely as I could muster. I tried to run off, but was stopped dead in my tracks.
CLANG!
In my attempts to watch his reaction, I ran right into a bicycle rack. Crotch first. It hurt. A lot.
I dropped like a rock and tried to act casual as I rolled around in the gravel, eyes watering. His hat fell off my head and into the dirt.
Never, even on my worst periods, have I felt such pain down there. A corner nailed me right in the pubic bone. My toes are curling just remembering it.
"Are you okay?"
"YEAH I WAS JUST JOKING!"
I quickly gave the hat back and scampered away, embarrassed, hands over vag. I sat down behind the bathrooms and just sort of curled up until the pain went away. The pain in my cooch, at least. The painful embarrassment, I'm going to remember whenever this incident comes to mind. Oh god, I'm remembering it now. Criiiiiinge. ;___;
Ugh. It still hurts when I put pressure on the area.
only1mrfstr: you totally squandered the opportunity for the best pick-up line ever....
"wanna kiss it and make it better?"
ikma: Hah, yeah I can see it now...
"Got your hat!"
*clang*
"HNNNNGGGGGG"
"Oh god are you ok?"
"YES. AUGH. AAAUUGGGHHH. WANT TO -HNNNGGG- KISS IT -HHHRRRRNGGG- AND MAKE IT *shudders* BETTER?!"
*twiches in pain on the ground*
"Uhhhhh....."
Tahda: An Australian kiss.
It's like a French kiss, just down under c;
Introverivative: I like your style
Tahda: I like your style too.
Introverivative: Just so you know, you're now tagged as "Australian kisses." Hope you like it
Tahda: It's beautiful c;
Introverivative: Oh god. That's one of the weirdest emoticons I've seen. I tried doing that with my face but I just ended up with a really "scrunched" looking face. Trying to wink and accomplishing that huge of a smile is, well, a challenge.
Tahda: You know what you need? [A German kiss.](http://i0.wp.com/www.helloloser.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/euro-babes-008.gif?resize=470%2C255)
Introverivative: Wow
| 11 | 92.545455 | |
1383876983 | 1385140213 | null | t5_2to41 | 291 | omgelethrowaway: TIFU by exposing myself on Omegle.
So this happened yesterday, but it is still burned into my mind so I need to share. Yesterday, I had a lot of free time, hours more that I usually do. Usually I would go to school, work out, and go home to do my homework. Two days before, I had just turned 18 so in my horny "No-Fap November" mind I thought,"Maybe I will find some hot girl on Omegle that I can masturbate with." So after 1 hour I finally found this one person who immediately wrote "f17" so I was interested (I was 18 for only two days at that point). After talking for a while and I had been exposing myself the whole time, I asked her to turn on her cam. She told me, "it's okay I'm legit" and gave me a link to a Facebook account that looking back at it, could have easily been stolen or faked. She said after a few requests she would. She asked me how far I had gone and if I would receive head if I was paid. I said maybe if this was a girl. She asked what if a guy did it, and I said no. I asked her if she was a girl, again she said yes.
Then the requests started, she asked me to dance around "sexily" and completely take my pants off. In my overly horny state of mind I was thinking, "Yeah this is okay, I'm legal after all. Besides, I can see her after!", so I did. The whole time she was typing, "oh baby I'm so wet right now" and "I want you to put your cock into me" and saying things about her vagina. This motivated me to keep on doing it. When I finally told her that I've done all of the requests and it was her turn, she left this conversation. I never actually saw "her" so the whole time it probably wasn't a girl, alone a "f17" one. Now all I can imagine is some perverted old man masturbating to me dancing around naked. I'm not looking for sympathy, I just needed to let this off of my chest. I fucked up, and I was probably being imagined being fucked as well.
kalasitorrific: no offense OP, but you are a moron
hacksbeenjamin: *NO* offense? MUCH OFFENSE OP! SO EXPOSE! VERY LONE!
Captainhowarth: Doge approve
[deleted]: Many creep
lol
Captainhowarth: Much perv
| 6 | 48.5 | |
1383876211 | 1383899994 | null | t5_2to41 | 39 | iCerulean: TIFU by learning the hard way I'm allergic to latex.
I never knew I was allergic to latex until I had sex for the first time with my SO wearing a Latex condom.
To understand how it felt, rub fire on your crotch and then put some itching powder on it. Then watch it swell up and burn like fuck when you pee.
For 3 weeks.
i8AP4T: I like how TIFU is normally TWAIFU (Three weeks ago I fucked up)
Doesn't make it any less funny though. I am sorry for your pain.
iCerulean: Man, I can't even blow balloons or else my lips swell like shit. You're welcome for the laughs!
Thenovazz: You blow ballons with *those* lips?
iCerulean: Jesus Christ NOOOO NO NO! Sorry! I mean my mouth! Oh god, that image you've put into my head now... I don't even...
Thenovazz: Haha, that was meant to be... :p
| 6 | 6.5 | |
1383881803 | 1384162463 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | emilyeverafter: TIFU by taking nude pics for a male companion
So, this didn't happen today, rather a few days ago. I only realized two days ago that the fuck-up was caused by nude pics. However, I posted this as a comment in an askreddit today and realized that, as a reader of this subreddit, I was doing the TIFU community a disservice if I did NOT post this here as well.
To start things off, it's important to mention I have a minor physical handicap and my balance loves to freak out at bad moments. A male companion requested that I provide him with some full-body nudes, and I accepted this with pleasure. I was posing to get an angle of my ass with my webcam on my desk taking pictures when my legs decided that they'd NOPE out of that shot. Because I'm so used to falling, in that short instance where I can tell my legs are giving out, I can predict how my body is going to land and can generally estimate the level of pain, allowing me to have a brief moment to analyze a couple courses of action and choose one.
In this instance, I decided the level of pain didn't matter and that it was most important not to make a thud when I hit the ground, which would cause family to run into my bedroom and encounter me naked with my webcam running. I was falling backwards, towards my desk. In the panic, I reached behind me and grabbed unto the ledge with both my hands, pulling so I would swing rather than hit the floor at full force and cause a loud noise. I ended up twisting with the momentum and ended up falling underneath my desk, narrowly avoiding my head, with my arms, somehow in front of me, still gripping the surface, hands palms up. I immediately thought that I had dislocated BOTH my arms. SHIT!
I realized, however, that I could still move my arms. Therefore, in my books, I was fine. My arms just felt extremely tender and sore. I finished my duty, and as it was 12:00am, promptly went to bed.
I woke up the next day with bruises on my both my biceps in the outer-facing region. I didn't believe that the fall had caused these bruises because I recently started lifting at the gym. I thought I had been pushing myself too hard, but didn't care, and worked out like I usually do. The following day, the bruises were bigger, darker, and had expanded to cover more area. I texted my male friend
>"It's looks as though someone has been beating me with these meager ten pound weights, not as though I've been lifting them."
I thought about how I had sent him nudes and finally, had to face the truth:
I am not only a physical retard, but mentally dense. I'm getting more strange looks at the gym than usual and can guarantee I'll have a bad poker face trying to explain this to my trainer. Please tell me that some variation of "doesn't matter, had sex" applies here...
>**TL;DR**: I, a literal retard (in the physical sense), fell while taking nude pics to send to a male companion, but the angle of the fall severely injured my arms and made me look like I've been in the weirdest abusive relationship ever.
EDIT: Nobody can ever write a perfect post on the first draft, okay? Grammar, spelling, and accidentally a word >_>
nowonmai: Sound like you tore the tendons where they attach to your biceps. I did that with my knee, and between the initial injury and having surgery, stumbled while walking and pulled the tendons clean off the muscle.
Ouch.
emilyeverafter: OH GOODNESS OUCH!
Thankfully I'm just about about healed up today. That does NOT sound like something I'd enjoy. I've already fallen on a treadmill and torn open both knee caps, have scars that look fantastic whenever I wear a skirt =/
I would hate another leg injury
nowonmai: No, safe to say it was not an enjoyable experience. I taught my daughter some choice additions to her vocabulary that day. To top it all, I had to drive home 20 miles, in a stick shift.
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1383893101 | 1383900756 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | afteryou_I_insist: TIFU by farting while walking through a meeting of my boss and other higher ups
I had to drop something off in our conference room where my boss and a bunch of other high ranking employees were in a meeting. Just before I walked in I let a fart silently pass through my butt cheeks so that when I walked in I dragged the godawful stench with me. Pretty sure everyone could smell it as it walked through the entire room and then back again.
I even had a brief moment where I thought to myself, "maybe I should wait a second before walking in? nah fuck it." Shit.
Cosmic-coincidence: At least you didn't poop yourself....
K3R3G3: That's not what "Shit." meant at the end?
| 3 | 6 | |
1383900599 | 1384657309 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,235 | K3R3G3: TIFU by finally taking a stand when I shouldn't have
(This is a bit long, but I think it's worth it)
I attend classical orchestral concerts in a hall of about 2000 - 2500 people. There are frequently sounds that really take away from the experience, whether they be coughs, sneezes, whispers, dropped programs, etc. It is extremely frustrating and a properly timed disturbance can ruin the culmination of a piece since even quiet sounds carry so well throughout the hall.
So, after intermission when I had my 3rd drink of the evening, I was sitting in a tier about 25 feet above the stage during a symphony so that I could only see half the stage and about half the lower level seating. During the music, I thought I was going insane because I swore I could hear someone down below talking at a normal volume. I was terribly agitated and kept looking around, but couldn't see the person. What happened next is extremely rare.
The conductor actually stopped the music right in the middle of the performance and turned around to face the audience. I could hardly believe it.
I leaned forward to get a better view and there he was! A man, though now in a somewhat hushed manner, blatantly talking on his cell phone! I instantly went into a rage, leaned over the rail, and yelled in the large, acoustically-tuned, otherwise silent hall of ~2,300 people, "GET OFF THE PHONE!!!"
I heard over a thousand people shift in their seats to look at me from all directions. I sat there shaking my head and looking at the people to my left and right in disbelief due to this exceptionally rude man, who had brought the concert to a grinding halt. I sure put that fucker in his place though.
Just then, the conductor picked up a microphone and stated that a woman in the audience had gone unconscious and may have had a heart attack or stroke and that a man was on the phone with 911 getting an ambulance to come. Though intoxicated, I was overcome with extreme embarrassment and slumped down in my seat so far, I almost slid out of it. I stayed down there for the remainder of the concert.
PusherLoveGirl: I would have just yelled again.
"SORRY!!!"
SquishMitt3n: Sorry is kind of bland. I'd have gone with "FUCK."
Maybe gotten a few laughs to break the tension.
Knipp22: Oh man I just died laughing thinking about this. Thank you for brightening my day sir.
DeathHaze420: I just lost my shit picturing that as well.
Skyhawk1: Where did you have it last?
craniumonempty: It was right there inside of my asshole. Then it was gone! Just like that.
DeathHaze420: I was on the shitter when I wrote that, so that's surprisingly accurate.
givethezombiespizza: I thought I lost mine, but it was in my pants the whole time.
npaf: DM;SP
doesn't matter; still pooped
MelanisticPolarBear: DM;TK doesn't matter; tifu karma
| 11 | 203.181818 | |
1383903986 | 1383947214 | null | t5_2to41 | 295 | iCerulean: TIFU by accidentally telling my SO's mother, "Sup, nigga?"
My SO's brother and I are good friends and we like to call each other, "yo bitch", "Mah nigga", and so on. We are not black, but we are not racist in any degree whatsoever. We all go to a school with few white people and we just kind of picked up on the words of others. No one really cared or minded.
Anyway, I was over at my SO's house and I thought I heard Jonathan, his brother, coming upstairs. So in our usual greeting I say, "Sup, nigga? Comin' to join us upstairs?" And I looked over at him. Only it wasn't him. It was his mother.
And she was pissed.
Adding the fact I'm spooning my boyfriend, her son, on the couch, didn't make things any better as she is a very conservative woman who doesn't like any displays of affection.
She started yelling at me so my boyfriend ended up taking me home and staying with me for dinner and a movie. Needless to say I try to go over only when she isn't home now.
Jonathan thought it was the funniest shit ever and he will never let me live it down.
cj5rox: Saying Nigga doesn't make you racist. Some black people won't be upset by it and some will.
Source: black guy and I don't care as long as you're not calling me it. I know plenty of people who would be upset with you saying it period
Holla-back-at-cha: So if you were my best friend, would you get upset if I were to say, "Waddup my nigga?"
cj5rox: My best friend says that often and he's a white guy.
Note: This does not apply to all black people. Do not take this as "A 22 year old redditor said it's OK, I'm calling all black folks niggas". That's idiotic.
Holla-back-at-cha: Yeah I know. I haven't ever called a black guy that. Offensive or not to them, I wouldn't comfortable with it.
cj5rox: And that's not a bad thing.
| 6 | 49.166667 | |
1383914163 | 1384198516 | null | t5_2to41 | 30 | Blob_Fish: TIFU by forgetting my house key.
Now I'm stuck outside in the pouring rain with a phone that has 5% battery left, and nobody that will be home for another hour.
Captainhowarth: Piss through the letterbox, claim it was the dog.
Blob_Fish: I don't have a dog.... but I do have a sister...
Captainhowarth: Claim it was the dog anyway, when they say you don't have a dog let your face fall in shock and turn to your sister and whisper... "So...it was you"
When she denies it stumble backward and scream "werewolf" the. Stab her with a silver letter opener.
Guaranteed to be a funny story in years to come.
| 4 | 7.5 | |
1383922384 | 1383930264 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | Platinum1211: TIFU by sending my ex's brother a text meant for my new GF
This actually happened about 2 weeks ago.
So I was with my ex for a few years. Had a good relationship with her family and more specifically her brother and his gf. PArt of why we broke up is because she was going to grad school for 4 years in Cali (I'm in NY). She left in September.
I started dating this new girl, things are going well. I had just received a text from my ex's brother asking if I was going somewhere during the weekend that he was going to and I responded. I then went to text my girlfriend, saying "I just looked over and saw your jewelry next to my bed and it made me smile" among other sappy things, hit send, and quickly realized I had sent it to him. I was scrambling and typing incoherent nonsense to him in a moment of pure embarassement, apologizing saying it obviously wasn't meant for him, blablabla. No response for a few minutes. I knew he had seen it because he just texted me. He finally responded laughing, saying it was cool, etc. etc. --
This comes 1 week after having sent my MOM a text message meant for the new GF. And after calling my gf thinking it was my mom. I don't think I've ever done that, I'm always good about who I send my texts to. I need to get my shit together.
If my ex reads this post: yeah... this actually happened.
ChiefEmann: There's no knowing that he saw it and was speechless; how often do you text and shove it directly in your pocket? Quite regularly, and you don't even think about. Your buddy doesn't give 2 shits if you're in a new relationship.
Don't over think things.
Platinum1211: Whether he saw it then, or 10 minute from then, he was still going go to see it. I'd still be embarassed even if it was just a buddy. This is my ex's brother who I'm friends with.
Edit: It wasn't that I thought he was speechless, it's that I sat there with no reply for a few minutes.
ChiefEmann: I meant,
> No response for a few minutes. I knew he had seen it because he just texted me.
makes me think you're worried he's kinda dumbstruck; probably isn't. Probably doesn't give two shits that you and his sister broke up and you are dating someone else. I have a sister: shit happens on that end of the spectrum (with someone I was friends with) and I didn't give two flying fucks.
Think you are overthinking it.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1383925794 | 1383955777 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | daily_87: I used the wrong direct deposit form "TWICE"
zalloy: Call them, and explain the error. Get a copy of the right form for your account, fill it out, scan it, and either email it or fax it to them. It shouldn't be too hard to get it straightened out.
Are you already working for the new agency, and did they already pay out to the wrong account? If the answer to the last bit is yes, then it might be a little harder to straighten out.
In future, double and triple check that shit. At the very least, fuckups on your pay info with an employer will cause a delay in your getting paid. At most, you could lose pay altogether due to it being deposited to someone else's account, and becoming unretrievable.
daily_87: Thanks for the advice zalloy!
Long story short, i got it sorted out and got all my funds luckily, wow, yeah for sure in the future ill double and triple check it. Thanks again!
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1383933044 | 1384054326 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,728 | OddlyStrangeMan: TIFU by peeing on the man next to me at the urinal.
So me and my girlfriend just moved into an apartment together 4 nights ago and everything has been amazing so far. Each night when I get home we have had the same routine, she cooks dinner and we eat, followed by hookah, weed, and alcohol and a good amount of sex. Well last night was no different and this morning I woke up to go take my early morning shower before work only to see that she was awake, which she never is in the morning when I get up. I don't really think anything of it so I tell her good morning and go to take my shower. Fast forward 20 minutes and I'm ready to go to work, and right before I'm about to leave she asks me to cuddle. i think ok why not I have 10 minutes I can spare, I'm one of those who is always early to everything. so I get into the bed and under the covers and low and behold she's stark naked and just gives me one of those you know EXACTLY what I want right now looks and we proceed to engage in the horizontal mamba. Afterwards I tell her to have an amazing day and im on my way to work when I notice I need gas. As im filling up it was time to take a leak. As I enter there is a man, who looks a little rough , taking his place at the urinal. Now there are only 2 urinals in this bathroom and im not going to be the bitch who doesn't pee because there another guy at the urinal. So I go up and whip my buddy out of his hiding place and position myself. Now guys you know that post sex piss that really just sprays everywhere like a damn fire hose? Yes, I started to piss and it looked like someone has slide the Windex bottle halfway between mist and laser and I was doing this all on his pants leg. This is when this fine gentleman decided that his best plan of action was to attempt to piss back at me.... yes you read that correctly, I mistakenly pissed on a random man and his plot of vengeance was to get in a piss war with me. I Then yelled that i was sorry and got the fuck outta there.
TL;DR If you Piss on others, they'll piss on you.
bitassassin: I was gonna say... What the hell does all this sex-related grandstanding have to do with getting gas? oh.
OddlyStrangeMan: Yeah I should have just peed at home, on my girlfriend.
exoxe: I like your style
Icharus: I like the cut of his jib
Monopoly_Devil: What's a jib?
lemonadegame: Ask Kunkka
Bobo_bobbins: Wrong subreddit matey.
HerpJersey: COLLISION COURSE
| 9 | 192 | |
1383932523 | 1384015068 | null | t5_2to41 | 65 | HwrdStrk: TIFU by corrupting at least half of my work's servers
(Disclaimer: This happened yesterday)
So a few weeks ago, co-worker and I were looking port scanning our network when we noticed that we had a port opened under the name "LDAP". So we looked into it and found that is was a protocol for working with distributed directories on a network. Now, we were very curious as to what was using it, so we connected to it with JXplorer, a GUI for LDAP. What we found was shocking: A list of most of the users on the network. I was shocked. I exported it to a text file, and then forgot about it. Two weeks later, I remember that I had the text file, which I needed. When I went to use it, I remembered I had done this on my personal computer, and not the work-issued one. So I did it again, and exported the text file once more.
Now, fast forward two weeks, give or take a few days, when I was called in for a meeting with the IT staff. Apparently, they were having issues logging into their **OpenDirectory** stuff. I was confused. How was this related to me? So I asked them what that was. Turns out that it was something developed by Apple that uses a few features from LDAP. However, it is NOT LDAP, and does not like being treated as such, so when I connected, apparently I sent some packets that confused it because it wasn't expecting them, and proceeded to corrupt a few files, including the local admin stuff. Basically they lost their ability to log in. They were mad. They are still deciding what to do with me. I might get fired.
tl;dr: OpenDirectory is not fucking LDAP.
StrangelyBrown: Doesn't sound like your fault - sounds like what amounts to a bug/flaw in JXplorer
HwrdStrk: While I agree that I don't think it wasn't my fault, seems to me to a fault in OpenDirectory for allowing this to happen. I mean, it is sort of a HUGE security hole.
lizardlike: Did your GUI tool require you to enter any auth credentials? If not, potential big hole. (but maybe not as IT might be relying on TLS and your machine could be in a trusted network segment)
If it did require your login - you were taking a big risk by giving your credentials to an untested piece of software for a network service. Definitely should have run that by IT either way.
HwrdStrk: No, it did not require any login, and I was also able to run it from my home computer, which I did the first time.
67645876: Wait, you could access (and break) this from **outside** the network? You weren't connected to VPN or anything? Without any password?
That's actually a pretty huge mistake on their part. Your mistake was that instead of reporting it you wanted to use it for pranks.
Don't let IT weasel out of all responsibility though - if you accessed all of the employee information you did, as well as broke an important system from outside the network with no password, anybody could have.
| 6 | 10.833333 | |
1383938993 | 1384178084 | null | t5_2to41 | 312 | ninjarabbit577: TIFU - wrong text to the wrong person...
Moving over from r/AskMen...
Me and my BF haven't seen each other for a few days.
This morning I decided to tease him a little. I wrote a text "Thanks for the orgasm this morning." He was not with me this morning and I meant to tell him I pleasured myself thinking about him. Thought that'll make his day.
This is where it got fucked up - I sent this text to my boss (they have the same first name). 10 minutes later, my boss replied "Anytime."
I'm hiding in my cubical all morning. And plan on keep hiding.
Hotstreak424: At least your boss has a sense of humor.
Gehalgod: Um, yeeeeah, if you could go ahead and orgasm, that'd be great.
Tipppptoe: And then bring those TPI reports into my office.
half-pint87: Yeah, if you could make sure to remember its "tps" reports, that would be great...
Suitablystoned: someone knows there office space. well done.
| 6 | 52 | |
1383940315 | 1384032541 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | p0litinerd: TIFU by not paying attention to the selected drive
Sometimes, technology is unforgiving.
Today I fucked up by trying to format/load the CrunchBang Linux ISO to my USB thumbdrive for install on another computer - only to accidentally selecting my external hard drive instead.
900GB's of data that I had been collecting over the last 10 years - lost. In an instant.
I will no longer be so quick to click "ok" when asked "are you sure".
Emphursis: As long as it hasn't been overwritten, i.e. you only did a quick format and you've been lucky with where the Linux distro was installed (although that shouldn't be an issue as it's quite a small version) you can easily recover the data. It's still all there.
p0litinerd: Unfortunately, it's not even mounting anymore. I don't really know what to do.
Emphursis: Windows probably won't pick it up because you've put that linux distro on now. But download FTK Imager, that should be able to see it. You'll then be able to poke around and see what is still there and recover it.
p0litinerd: Thank you! I'm working on it now.
| 5 | 5.8 | |
1383941957 | 1383951310 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by being cautious and underconfident
While doing my driving test, I had to take a left turn on a street of 80 km/h speed limit(about 50 mph) . Approaching the intersection I was unsure if I would be able to turn on time and I decided to wait. Apparently not taking my opportunity cost me my test; I didn't take my "Right of Way" as I should have gone at that time and not waited. Well Fuck. Due to me failing my test, my parents are now calling all of my driving school a waste of money and believe that I am unprepared for driving and are restricting my use to their car.
[Edit]: Forgot to mention the instructor said I was the first student to fail under his guidance
tl;dr
Fucked up on Drivers test, parents calling driver's ed a waste of money.
Fyastarter: How many tests have you taken? Not that many people pass first time! How many hours worth of lessons have you had?
Dartimus7: This was the second time I took the test. I have had about 11 hours of LESSONS with my driving school and I drove with my parents for at least 10 hours overall as well.
Fyastarter: That is nothing like enough time, 20 instructed hours plus extra time with parents/other drivers should be like a minimum.
Fyastarter: At the end of the day, the instructor shouldn't put you in for the test before you are ready, they're just wasting your money if they do. Also you're parents are beiong dicks, ask them how much instruction they had, and how many tests they had.
| 5 | 2 | |
1383943129 | 1384282766 | null | t5_2to41 | 147 | WallOfSteel: TIFU by dropping a knife on my penis.
So, I just got out of shower this morning and I though it was a great idea to prepare breakfast while naked. I tend to use more oil than I need in my food, and being a clumsy piece of shit and thanks to my slippery oiled hands, my hands slipped off the knife I was using and I accidentally dropped it. I felt a sense of pain, and when I look down, I saw blood.
The knife sliced the middle of my penis. So I dropped a knife on my dick.
Thankfully it was a small knife, so I do not have any terribly bad injuries. I still have a thick bandage wrapped around my dick though.
TL;DR: Accidentally dropped a knife on my dick while preparing breakfast. It is still attached to me, though.
Deltamelon: For a moment I read that last sentence as "the knife is still attached to me" and not "my penis is still attached to me" which made me very very concerned.
agentblack97: Me too bro. Man, the internet fucked our minds.
DaPinkRunna: ^^right ^^^up ^^^^the ^^^^^ass
Reads_Small_Text_Bot: > right up the ass
DaPinkRunna: What the actual fuck hahah I facepalmed as soon as my inbox appeared. ^^try ^^^harder
| 6 | 24.5 | |
1383945494 | 1384077480 | null | t5_2to41 | 382 | gerrettheferrett: TIFU by typing "shits" instead of "shifts" in an email at work, sent to my boss, my boss's boss, and all my coworkers.
The problem was compounded when the email self-corrected all other spellings of shifts.
"My shits were pretty quiet this week."
"I have a busy looking shit tonight that I am not looking forward to."
"There was a pretty messy looking shit last week I dealt with in the course of my duties."
Yes, I said duties. * *facepalm* * Kill me now.
"Do any of you have any general advice on how to handle these shits in the future?"
Today I fucked up.
meressy: Best read of the day.
gerrettheferrett: At least you got a laugh out of it.
Tipppptoe: They all did. No worries. All you did was brighten everyone's day.
gerrettheferrett: There was a bag of 24 rolls of triple ply toilet paper on my desk this morning, with a note that said, "For messy situations."
Tipppptoe: Sounds like they think you need more training in how to manage your shits.
| 6 | 63.666667 | |
1383953728 | 1384032930 | null | t5_2to41 | 68 | inspiredman: TIFU By Telling Interviewer I Didn't Watch News
I was interviewing for a position in a news station...
whelp_welp: Not much to say here.
inspiredman: :)
| 3 | 22.666667 | |
1383957602 | 1384232885 | null | t5_2to41 | 79 | Throwawaytoday423: TIFU By falling asleep for two minutes
This story is hard for me tell I have so much shame....my wife and I are proud parents to a seven month old son. We want more kids soon but aren't ready just yet and my wife can't take birth control so we have to use condoms around her ovulation time. Last night I come home from work to find my wife waiting for me in bed with no clothes, a come hither look and a condom sitting on my pillow. I immediately get hard as a rock, tear off my clothes roll the condom onto my dick climb into bed and give the little lady a hurtin. Well after said copulation we are both worn out I pull off the condom and throw it in a trash can that my wife keeps next to the bed, get up take a piss and we watch some Netflix for awhile before falling asleep.
Flash forward to today...I get home from work and I am tired but the wife needs to run to the store and asks me to watch our son. I am a little pissed cause I get up really early in the morning and when I get home I just want to unwind but whatever I"ll watch him. I bring him in our room, (which by the way is our bed two night stands, a dresser and a floor lamp and aforementioned trash can) put some toys on the floor put him next to them, put up a baby gate in our doorway and climb into our bed turn on the tv. After about ten minutes of looking at the tv and keeping an eye on our son I start to drift off...suddenly I wake up with a start. I look at the clock and realize it was only a couple minutes later. I immediately look down for my son. He is laying on his stomach with his back to me. I decide to get down on the floor and play with him cause I know if his mom gets home and sees me laying in the bed with him on the floor she is going to be like why weren't you spending time with him? As I get closer I say my son's name and he turns around to look at me. The horror I see almost makes me instantly puke...he is chewing on my used dong bag. In the two minutes I fell asleep he had knocked the trash can over and gotten into the garbage. I run up to him screaming NO son that is dirty! I yank it out of his mouth which of course makes him scream so I pick him up and try to calm him down. After he calms I take him into the bathroom wipe his brothers and sisters off his face (yep you heard that right) put him back near his toys pick up the trash and vow to never tell my wife.
TL;dr fell asleep baby chews used condom
TevaUSA: I was really expecting you to say that you suffocated him or he fell or something horrible; so at least it wasn't *that* kind of fuck up.
Throwawaytoday423: Yes thankfully nothing like that happened...still though, felt pretty shitty
TheOriginalWizard: Dong bag. I love you.
| 4 | 19.75 | |
1383985750 | 1384028274 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU By talking shit about a girl to her boyfriend.
So today I was asked by a friend if there was any parties going on. I'm 24, hes 22. I told him nothing was going on and that he should talk to a specific girl.
Now backstory. I DJ and our DJ/Rave scene is fairly small, and this specific girl is considered: 1. Crazy 2. Major Drama 3. Ratchet.
So I said to my friend, that he should contact this particular girl. Stating how ratchet/lowlife she was that she would have access to the party he was looking for.
WELL! TURNS OUT THAT HE HAS BEEN DATING HER FOR THE PAST YEAR!
I have been literally so out of touch that after all the shows I've done/attended/performed at his own personally venue that I didn't know they were dating.
What preceded was a giant Facebook IM tirade from said ratchet hoe as they were sitting next to eachother on separate computers looking for the same party.
But when it comes down to it...dat bitch be totes ratchet.
mmcheesee: TIL ratchet is an insult
[deleted]: I still don't know what it means though.
TevaUSA: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=ratchet
In essence it's the overly ghetto people (it's moved on from just being towards girls, as far as I know) who think they are totally awesome and sexy and such but are really just tacky and stupid/annoying as far as other people care. I wouldn't say "low life" as that implies they are scummy/bad people, but I suppose low class is a good way of saying tacky.
[deleted]: Thank you.
| 5 | 4.2 | |
1383977532 | 1384294733 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | internettemptress: TIFU by falling prey to my first internet scam.
Before I start this post I would just like to clarify that I am a 23 year old female with excellent credit, have had my credit card since I was 19 and have always been wary of internet scams. Today, however, was different. It was late and I was passing my time internet shopping instead of studying. For those of you who do online shopping, or who are of the female pursuasion, you've probably heard of the infamous pinterest website which culls together all things wonderful and oh so unattainable for most human beings. I came across a particular pin that boasted burberry scarves at amazing prices. Now, I have been wanting a burberry scarf (or anything burberry) for a very long time and so jumped headlong into the checkout process for my very own, suspiciously discounted scarf. Everything went smoothly at first, gave my shipping and billing info, credit card info, and hit payment. The website said they would send me a confirmation email, which typically goes through immediately when you make purchases online. Ten minutes goes by and no email. Starting to feel worried, I checked back on the website only to see not one, but two charges to my credit card, and one still pending. I panicked, and quickly called my credit card company to have my number blocked and card cancelled. Only one amount had been charged to my credit card, although it was not the amount stated on the website. The lady at the credit card company told me that I still had to pay the one charge and that she would transfer it over to my new card which would arrive in two weeks. Needles to say, I feel like an absolute imbecile. Hopefully I still get a scarf out of it, even if it is a cheap knock-off.
SteampunkPinion: What credit card company do you go through that makes you pay for a fraud charge? I can see if it was the amount you agreed to pay on the website pending if you actually get the merchandise, but a different amount shouldn't be your responsibility. Call them back and talk to the fraud department.
Source: I work for a credit card company
[deleted]: What this guy said. If you don't get the product they should reverse all the charges.
| 3 | 11 | |
1383981340 | 1384009209 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | jaredpaik: TIFU by going to the supermarket
So I'm currently in that awkward period between starting a new job and getting paid. And I was down to my last $100 until I get paid on Thursday.
I was walking around the supermarket getting my groceries and at some point I dropped two $50 notes which must have slipped out of my pocket.
I couldn't pay for my groceries and I have no idea how I'm going to eat for the next 5 days.
LeMoofinateur: did you tell the staff in the supermarket?? Maybe someone found it and by some miracle did not keep it.
jaredpaik: Yeah. I did. It was pretty busy and I'm fully banking on someone took it.
The store I was shopping at is the Australian equivalent of Kroger or Aldi.
LeMoofinateur: shit that sucks :S
| 4 | 4 | |
1384004957 | 1384042456 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,070 | CaptainRandus: TIFU by bringing a girl back to my place after my band played...
SHE PISSED MY FUCKING BED!
EDIT: I'm getting a lot of comments asking for the story. So since, i'm still seeing people asking, and have since been called a rapist, i'll share.
**really not much to it, my band was third to play, had a pretty good buzz on before the show. Bands were done at 1 (bar closes at 2, first band stopped early, and for the first time in my life, a show was over early). So we all sat around getting destroyed drunk. After the bar closed, a few of us had beers in the back of my jeep (No drinking and driving).
Called a cab finally, because my son was at my mothers, and the girl said "Split a cab with me, we're going to the same place!" and i said "Cool"
She came to my place (im about a 10 min walk from my mother's place, so i didnt bring her to where my son was. She came in , basically stripped down naked, and yeah. I woke up in the middle of the night afterwards.... oddly enough because i had to piss.
She was gone in the morning.
I know it's really not much of one, but that sums it up haha**
f2k10Marinetti: at least she didnt piss your sleeping bed
MVC90: Must be nice to have one of each.
f2k10Marinetti: what he should have done was let her use the peeing bed. You should never shit where you eat.
TheDreadGazeebo: don't you shit on the shitting bed?
f2k10Marinetti: what the fuck...you shit in the toilet, man.
TeaBleezy: Oh the blights of the lower, middle, and upper class. Upper-upper class has shitting beds, toilets are for squares.
embit: Let them shit beds
CaptainRandus: this escalated quickly...
| 9 | 118.888889 | |
1383972440 | 1384039318 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving my laptop open while I went to work - This story does not involve porn or embarrassment.
I bought a new hard drive to back my TV shows up on. The plan was to actually move them all there first, clean out my old drives and then back up. So I set it up to move everything over while I was at work. But I left my laptop open on my bed and I've come home to that "format complete" box. Everything in my 'B' and 'C' folders is gone. I suspect one of my cats has curled up on my keyboard and had a little nap, causing this to happen with either keyboard shortcuts or by the touch pad. Either that or I have a ghost.
I had over 200GB of Conan and Craig Ferguson, among many other awesome things. Waaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!
zalloy: Before you do anything else, try one of those unformat or data recovery utilities. As long as you haven't done anything else with the drive, like tried to install other software, or moved anything around, you should be able to recover the data. It might take a while, but it'll be worth it.
calamityjo: I'm running wondershare as we speak. So far it's found 365gb but estimates it still has more than 99 hours left. I'm hoping it's like windows explorer though. You know, 40 minutes remaining. Then 45 seconds. Then 12 minutes. Then 4 hours 16 minutes. Then suddenly it's done.
| 3 | 1 | |
1384039134 | 1384040679 | null | t5_2to41 | 60 | [deleted]: Tifu by exposing myself at a grocery store
________
nachtegaal930: everyone's weight fluctuates between 2 and 5 pounds a day. that's why you're only supposed to weigh yourself once a week at the same time on the same day.
Also you should really talk to a professional about this fixation- even if it's not affecting your eating yet it's still translating into body dysmorphic disorder. I can tell you from personal experience that what you're describing is more than a "tad obsessed."
domesticadventures: I'm fairly certain that if she is stripping in a grocery store over 2 pounds she is WELL into BDD territory.
nachtegaal930: yep. by "translating into" i meant manifesting itself in (not just beginning to look) like BDD
domesticadventures: Ah, misread that!
| 5 | 12 | |
1383970561 | 1384209095 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | Chemizt: TIFU by attacking the wrong person in the washroom...
Oh my god I attacked some chick while in crab position in the girls washroom today.
I was in the washroom with my friend, Karola and she was in the stall, and I came up with an expert idea to scare her by turning the lights off and attacking her leg.
I turned off the lights and couldn’t see, didn’t know another person was in the stalls, and I heard a toilet flush and someone washing their hands. thinking it was Karola, i turned off the lights and walked in crab position on the ground, then slowly stomped to the girl.
I hear “ I am not the person.” I thought it was Karola, so I proceeded to slapped the random chicks leg. and she’s all like “ I told you ,I’m not the person.”
A look of horror hit my face.... I slowly backed up, still in crab position, into a stall and hid until the girl left. Oh my god.
So fucking awkward
If you see this girl i attacked, I’m sorry. I honestly didn’t mean to. Sorry.
deeznutsasaurus: what in the actual fuck were you thinking
Chemizt: I really didnt know there was another person in the washroom. i thought it was only me and her. not some other chick. i really didnt know
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1378866109 | 1384116873 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU and signed a petition
Okay this is more 2 weeks ago, but anyway.
I was at Reading Festival, and while *reasonably* intoxicated the group I was with got approached by some volunteers from ActionAid. The person who was talking to me was a young blonde girl, and asked whether I'd like to sign a petition. I obviously obliged. The next morning I was told I had signed a petition that called on the UK Government to end dealings with tax havens.
I live in Guernsey.
dralcax: As an American with no understanding of UK politics, ELI5?
MyOldNameWasBetter: Guernsey is one of the Channel Islands, and is generally seen to be a tax haven.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1384044682 | 1384291725 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,025 | SemenInMyEyeOhWhy: TIFU by getting my own semen in my eyes.
So I was just stroking the ol' sausage today when in a horny stupor I decided to find out what it felt like to cum on my face. I figured if so many pornstars do it then it couldn't be that bad right? WRONG. It got all over my eyes and burned like a motherfucker. Now my eyes are red, hurt like hell, and my eyelashes are encrusted with semen. Every time I blink I feel the throbbing shame. Never again.
TL;DR My eyes might be pregnant. Will report back in 9 months.
Edit: Wow, a lot of people know how it feels apparently. My eyes are back to normal now for anyone concerned. But the shame is still there. It will always be there.
hookersandcoke: Just eat it next time
[deleted]: My friend does then when he masturbates because he claims clean up is easier.
Souluna: I.. I want to downvote you cause that is so gross.. But its not your fault so.. Ill upvote you simply for grossing me out
neurorgasm: Dude, freecycling is all the rage. Most people would just throw out this perfectly good semen and then *buy* food. Tsh.
Souluna: So fucking gross.. I want to laugh, i-i just cant..
I know you're joking, oh god please be joking.
Anubia: T-The fuck am I reading on here? ಠ_ಠ
| 7 | 146.428571 | |
1384046640 | 1384150052 | null | t5_2to41 | 70 | gentleman_horse: TIFU by swallowing asthma inhaler stuff and leaking shit all over my bathroom floor.
I have asthma, and this at 3.00 A.M. this morning, I had an attack. I went to use my inhaler, and when I used it, I swallowed about 3/4's of the spray. That may not seem bad, but a common side effect of inhalers is nausea, or upset stomach. Usually, you would vomit if you swallowed too much, but since I only swallowed a bit of the spray, instead of... I don't know, drinking the stuff, I just got an extremely upset stomach. So I got back in bed and tried to fall asleep, when all of the sudden, I felt the worst stomach pain in my life, and I knew I was about to have to flood my toilet.
Now, you know how sometimes when you take a huge shit, it feels like all of your body heat goes with it, and you get really cold? Well, since it was 3:00 A.M., I was wearing just a pair of boxers. Now, the first thought I had when I got up, I thought, "I'm gonna need to put on some pants and a shirt for this." So then I got fully dressed and went to take my shit. (It hurt like hell).
After I took my shit, I realized what is probably a worst case scenario for this, I did not have any toilet paper. I thought, "It's okay, it's 3:00, I'll just walk out and get some, no one will be up to see me", and there wasn't anyone. However, I did not expect the liquid shit that was still all over my ass cheeks to drip all over the floor as I got it. I ended up staying up for about a half hour after I wiped cleaning all of it up. It was a rather *Shitty* morning.
fukensmoken: Well shit man, I guess shit happens.
Shit.
gentleman_horse: ^^^oh ^^hohohoh ^ho HOHOOHO **HOHOHOHOHOHOOHOHOHOHOHOHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!**
Reads_Small_Text_Bot: > oh hohohoh ho
Makes_Small_Text_Bot: ^(oh hohohoh ho)
Eats_Small_Text_Bot: ^*nom*
sutekhxaos: what just happened
| 7 | 10 | |
1384053194 | 1384420117 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU by emotionally damaging a boy (first post)
Let's start this story out about a year ago. There was a new kid in my grade and we were on a winter sports team together so I made a point to be his friend. He was shy and not very cute... but it was our grade's prom last year so I thought "hell, I'll ask if he'd want to go as friends, he might not go otherwise" I clearly stated FRIENDS. My logic: I was long distance dating another boy would wouldn't be able to make it... bro zone. Fool proof right? No. I didn't end up going with anyone because we broke up and I KNEW it would be misleading to the new kid if I went with him.
Come spring, he'd often come to some of my games asking for rides home, which I'd give him because we lived somewhat close to each other. Whatever. I SHOULD HAVE started to catch on to the fact that he had a crush on me when he asked if we could get food together (for some excuse he created in which I forget... something along the lines of "my mom is away and I don't know how to cook and you said something about how you like Thai and I've never had it so lets go because I wouldn't know what to order if I went alone") but of course I'm dumb and I didn't catch on.
Over the summer I probably saw him twice but just in passing... then there was a long gap in talking...
Flash forward to like a week ago: he wants to hang out for Halloween. This is after a few casual "heys" in the halls but other than that it was pretty out of the blue. I said sure, because it sounded more like a plea for company because his little sister was going trick-or-treating. Then I backed out last minute because I had a butt ton of studying to do. I expressed how I felt really bad so he suggested we hang out this week. I said sure, because I practically ditched him.
I kind of forgot I agreed to this, and he texts me Thursday asking if we were still going to hang out.
I think to myself "fuck fuck fuck, I don't really have time..." but I settle with taking him along with plans I already had. I was going to a school sports event today to support my friends, and asked if he wanted to tag along. Blahblahblah yeah, picked him up, went to the event, he asked if I wanted to hang out longer. I FINALLY CAUGHT ON. I noped the fuck out of there and went promptly to the library instead of hanging out longer.
I want to clarify how I did not (DID NOT) make any cues of interest. I'm a serious person, very school oriented, and make no effort at getting boys to like me. In fact, I try hard to stay away from relationships (especially after the breakup situation mentioned above).
About an hour ago he calls. I contemplate letting it go to voice mail.
But what if something's wrong?
"Hello?"
*nervously* "You kind of left in a hurry today and I wanted to make sure everything was alright"
Me "Yeah, everything was fine. Sorry about that."
"Sooo uhhh I was thinking... and I was wondering if you meant anything by asking if I'd go to prom with you last year?"
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. No, please not now. We didn't even go!
"Blah blah *no real decisiveness* do you feel the same way?"
Me "No, I'm sorry. I was just trying to be friendly."
*sad voice* "Oh. Alright"
Me "Sorry. Have a good night"
Now all I'm thinking is how I could've missed all of this... It seems so clear now, but I guess I just suck as a human.
tl;dr I smashed a nice boy's heart with a thousand hammers unintentionally because I'm oblivious *cringes*
HenryBard: I have felt this feel. A large number of all of the friendships I've had have actually turned out to be something like this and it never doesn't suck. It isn't that you "suck as a human" - it's that you try to do a good thing and establish a friendship, and sometimes that just ends up not working out. Just have to keep in mind, you're not responsible for his feelings. Especially the ones he never told you about.
nevynervine: This post and comment could be titled "why the friendzone is horseshit."
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1384029974 | 1384093431 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | Kristoefur: TIFU by yelling at my friend's mum.
This actually happened back when I was a teenager, but I just remembered it and it still makes me feel embarrassed.
So I was staying my friend's (let's call him Sam) house for a night with a group of friends. Sam's parents weren't home, and we had a good time. Being a group of teenagers, us boys were making sexist jokes all night, shouting at the girls to go to the kitchen and stuff like that. I know it's lame and chauvinistic, but most teenage jokes are.
So anyway, come morning, I'm woken up in the living room by a female voice. Thinking that it's a friend of mine, I carry on with the shitty humour from the previous night, and yell "GET IN THE GOD DAMN CORNER WOMAN!" with a loud angry voice. To my surprise, I heard no answer. Instead, one of my friends came over and told me I'd just been yelling at Sam's mum, who I'd never spoken with before. Needless to say, I stayed out of her sight that day...
To this day, I think those are the only words I have ever spoken to her.
doomsday_pancakes: chauvinistic?
Kristoefur: Dictionary definition is "Prejudiced belief in the superiority of one's own gender, group, or kind".
| 3 | 8.333333 |
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