start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1384059692 | 1384127438 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | chickenlittleshit: TIFU by snapping at my in-laws.
So my wife and I have been together for over 12 years and her parents have never liked me for a variety of reasons. Well after 12 years of biting my tongue whenever they felt like being shitty to me, today I lost it and snapped at them. Pretty much a "I've been married to your daughter for a while now and you have no right to talk to me like that" kinda thing.
I don't feel bad that they got their feelings hurt because they deserved it, but I know it hurt my wife for me to do that. She's always stuck up for me to them, but it's one thing for her to fight with her parents and another thing for me to do it.
So I fucked up and let my temper get the better of me. Now my relationship with my in-laws will probably get even worse, which makes my life more difficult and my wife sad. Whoops.
Tea_inthegoodroom: I wouldn't consider this a fuck up. My parents went through the same thing, but it was my mother against my father's mother. It got even worse after she guilt tripped my dad into letting her live with him to "raise the kids" like my mother wasn't competent. Lots of yelling and screaming, parents nearly divorced over the matter. Sad to say things didn't really get better til after grandma passed away.
bluesgrrlk8: Am I your mom?!
| 3 | 4 | |
1384060359 | 1384272320 | null | t5_2to41 | 53 | bbq-chips: TIFU by standing up to wipe my ass
Now I've been a stand-up ass-wiper for all of my life. I never could fathom how somebody could sit down and wipe their ass. Not for the life of me. But after today, I'm folding. I have to learn to do this now.
And here's why.
It all started when I was sitting at the computer listening to Soundgarden's Superunknown album, smoking a bowl of the finest kush I could find here in Halifax. I suddenly got hit with punch in the stomach. Now I've been drinking all day, so it might have been the beer, might have been the pork-chops or maybe even the potatoes. I can't cook potatoes.
So I went to the bathroom.
I took my shit, it was a mess. I was thankful I didn't shit my pants this time around because it has happened a couple of times in the last couple of years. I blame having Crohn's disease.
Once depleting my bowls in a sanitary manner, I stood up as usual to wipe my ass, to put it lightly. I never learned how to wipe my ass when I was younger sitting down and to be frank it was quite awkward how I wiped my ass up until I was 16. We had a vertical mirror in our bathroom in the house I grew up in so I would turn around from it and bend my upper-body downwards and wipe my ass literally upside-down. When my family moved after I turned 16, I had to learn to cope without a mirror in the wash-room. I learned my standing up.
So as I wiped my ass on this very night in a "drunken stupor," (Rob Ford, 2013) I staggered backwards in my residence and hit the medicine cabinet. I began renting this place last week and have been fine so far, but tonight everything went to shit. The medicine cabinet became loose off of the wall and fell on the back of the toilet, shattering the porcelain and having water flow everywhere. The medicine cabinet then fell on top of the toilet and broke it and water and shit flowed everywhere.
I called my land-lord about it and told him it just fell of the wall, it had only one screw in it. He took my word for it and is paying for the damages. I had to clean up the shit and toilet water and dump a bucket of water on the ground to make it believable when he came over to inspect.
**TL;DR: I was drunk and fell into a medicine cabinet wiping my ass and fucked up the bathroom.**
RodzillaPT: Thankfully enough, I use one of this http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Ob1GfmL6cro/TlMt-dxt6TI/AAAAAAAAAHw/i4PsRwaF498/s1600/Bathroom+hose+standard.jpg
bbq-chips: You're just lazy is all.
RodzillaPT: It's actually a matter of higiene. I can never get fully clean with paper only.
bbq-chips: Do you feel comfortable using that around around your girlfriend, Rodzilla?
RodzillaPT: Why wouldn't I'?
| 6 | 8.833333 | |
1384076938 | 1384085855 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | HydrofoilGoat: TIFU by not paying attention to my arm position
So this isn't that big a fuckup, but it bloody hurt.
My housemates dog rarely gets walked and isn't trained, but whenever I walk her my housemate gets shitty with me and bitches about how it's her dog and blah blah blah. I feel sorry for the poor thing but there isn't much I can do :(
Anyway, so I was outside having a smoke and the dog stood up and grabbed the tabletop and started licking it. I have no idea what she was going for but I tried to push her off it with my right hand. The table started sliding across the floor so I reached further and somehow managed to jam my cigarette, which was in my left hand, directly onto my right wrist. By the time I realised it had been sitting there for a few seconds. So now I have a lovely cigarette burn on my wrist. Hooray.
TacticalBurrito: Well, at least you burned yourself, and not the dog.
Once, I was sitting in the smoking section of a restaurant. I completely accidentally gave my waiter a cigarette burn on his wrist as he was delivering my food.
He got a $20 tip on an $8 meal.
HydrofoilGoat: The dog routinely tries to eat the ash, and if you don't move the ashtray she'll eat the still smoking butts. Insane.
TacticalBurrito: Yeah, I can see that. My dog used to try to eat /anything/ I was interacting with, with my hands. Even if it is very decidedly *not food*.
Dog brains are just weird, man.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1384059883 | 1384218433 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | tmama1: TIFU and ate mold
I always amused I could eat anything. Dropped food on the floor, I'll eat it. Burn it, I'll eat it. I'll even eat meat are and it's never so much as phased me. Today I found bread with the beginning of mold. It was the only bread I had so I toasted it, and ate it.
Now I wanna throw up
sawc: Technically the mold is already spread throughout the bread when we buy it...
tmama1: Sorry, how?
sawc: The spores are already there when the bread is made and the mold spreads by feeding with its hypae and when it runs out of food it attempts to find more.
tmama1: So why does it become coloured and 'green'?
sawc: That's the reproductive parts of the mold. It has the spores on the top so that it can spread to more food. Most prepackaged foods already have unhatched spores inside and wait for the right condition to spread throughout the food feeding until there is no nutrients left. The discoloration varies depending on the type of mold that has landed on and taken over your food.
| 6 | 2 | |
1384091946 | 1384173011 | null | t5_2to41 | 120 | MrPeterIt: TIFU by letting my dad use my laptop
My dad had to pay some bills and he asked to use my laptop, I happily obliged, opened my laptop and there, full screen was porn. Gay porn. This really isn't a big deal because I am out, but it was REALLY embarrassing and all I could do was slam my laptop shut, turn beat red and laugh. My dad none the less had a quite different reaction, I guess parents like to pretend their kids never get off, or have access to porn...
TL;DR
I let my dad use my laptop, opened it up to a man with another mans dick up his ass.
chemodan: are you male or female? it is important
MrPeterIt: Male...if you read it it says I'm openly gay and I'm watching gay porn with penis in it. I don't know many lesbians that watch guy on guy.
MelonHeadSeb: Does "out" mean openly gay?
MrPeterIt: It means if people ask I say "yes I like guys"
MelonHeadSeb: So like "out of the closet"?
MrPeterIt: Yeah, I've been out since July.
ssjkriccolo: and i bet that closet is still pristine
MrPeterIt: What do you mean? Its is actually kinda messy, I am not exactly organized.
ssjkriccolo: gay guys being clean, you being in the closet before you came out so it was always clean. now that you are out you still have the presence of mind to go back and keep the closet clean. it was sort of a nod at the quality of your character. Godspeed, soldier.
MrPeterIt: Lol thank you
CockroachClitoris: Hey at least your dad knew you were gay before seeing the porn. That would be a bit more of a shock to find out that way.
MrPeterIt: Yeah, I have a feeling he thought it was a phase and he thought I was just trying something new by dating a guy. The porn kinda obliterated that small piece of hope that I might be straight for him I guess.
| 13 | 9.230769 | |
1384098231 | 1384131437 | null | t5_2to41 | 907 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting my gf kicked out of the house and now my life could be changed forever.
this will be long and messy, sorry im on my 15 min break.
i took my gf (lets call her jessica) of 2 months to a party last night. it happened that the party was in the same culdesac as her moms husband. her mom was separated from her husband (not my gfs father) and lived with jessica in an apartment 15 miles away. but now jessicas mom is moving back in with the husband and its only a matter of time till jessica is moving which means she will lose her job, she has no car.
jessica already has problems with her mother, her mom assaulted her and constantly verbally abuses her. they havent spoken in weeks, she abandoned jessica at 3 months of age in france and contacted her last year saying she wanted to make up for lost time.
so replaying last night, jessica and i are leaving the party and we get in my car which is parked in the culdesac. who drives by but her mom. she even circled around to get a better look. jessica told me to leave, so i did. 10 minutes later jessicas phone rings, she has a voicemail. her mom is yelling at her acusing her of threatening her family and saying that if anything happens to her family or house she is telling the cops it was her and she wants the apartment key under her door tomorrow. essentially shes kicking her out. jessica is 24 and im 21. she has no obligation to house her.
after listening to the msg she starts crying hysterically and tells me the reasons why she cant go back to france (basically her dad who raised her wasnt her biological dad and told her to leave). she cries all the way home and i tell her to grab her work clothes (we work at the same place) and can sleep with me tonight. (i live with an aunt, my mom died 6 months ago and im finishing school.)
this morning when we woke to go to work she shows me an apartment nearby for 450$ 1 bedroom. i have no idea what to say and told her we work part time and cant afford that. i was thinking, "we are together for 2months. this is too fast".
so now i fear she will be homeless while im sleeping in my warm bed being selfish. i didnt tell my aunt my gf was sleeping with me last night and i doubt she would be ok with it. im knee deep in shit and dont know what to do. i like her alot but i wouldnt say im in love.
tldr: toom gf to party, her crazy mom saw us and thought we were in the neighborhood to threaten her family. kicking gf out of her house/life. gf asks me to move in together. im 21, not done with school and work part time. she makes less than me.
edit: talked to her, she agreed that it wasnt a good idea to move in together. she starts looking for a full time job tomorrow. as of now the locks on the appt havnt been changed. thanks for the advice. im not dumping her but i let her know im willing to help, but not to the point of it hurting me.
literaturerox: Dude, this isn't your problem. It's Jessica's problem. She's 24 and it's time for her to take care of herself. You can be as supportive as you want, but you're not responsible for her.
Go with your first instinct--two months is too fast for you to move in together, especially if she has this much emotional baggage. Focus on finishing school and establishing yourself in a career. Don't get sucked into her downward spiral.
aglaser: I'm sick and tired of all this RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN advice. If you're in an unhealthy or decaying relationship, do it! Get out for your own safety and sanity.
But the mindset that as soon as something goes wrong, your SO looks to you for support or you find they have any baggage you should GET OUT NOW because DONT STICK IT IN THE CRAZY is just depressing. If you want the good times, if they are truly good, then your relationship is worth fighting for.
Plus, it sounds here that OP's GF really just needs some help. Would you let down a good friend because their family was insane and they had nowhere to go? Then why would you let your partner down in the same situation.
Tl;dr: be a human being and take responsibility for fucks sake
JumpedAShark: THANK YOU! There are so many people here who are telling OP to just abandon the whole situation, like the only thing that matters here is getting him removed from the problem so he doesn't feel bad. How about we consider how he can actually HELP this girl is a super-shitty situation by NOT abandoning her?
This girl is not heaping her problems on the OP. She's not trying to get him to fix everything for her. She's trying to get her life together, just like OP, and she's ASKING FOR HELP. Since when is asking for some goddamn compassion from your significant other considered "too much trouble" to deal with?
I can understand the sentiment that her problems are not OP's, that makes sense. That being said, he shouldn't have to simply remove himself from the situation just because they're not his personal problems. You'd help any of your friends out if they're in a jam, why should this be any different?
And to OP, I say this: take it one step at a time. Looking at the whole situation with your GF can seem overwhelming, but you can work it out. Just take little steps. Start by explaining the situation to your aunt and seeing if she will let Jessica stay with you for at least a little while. I'm sure she can have some compassion and help out someone in need of a home.
Zarula: > She's trying to get her life together, just like OP, and she's ASKING FOR HELP.
Honestly it sounds like OP has his life on track, and isn't "trying to get it together" but her asking for help would make him take a detour, which I know I wouldn't want, especially after only 2 months.
>Since when is asking for some goddamn compassion from your significant other considered "too much trouble" to deal with?
OP made it pretty clear she's not that significant to him as far as being in a relationship.
I would say asking OP's aunt if she can stay for a while would be considerate, but taking a semester or more away from school and being tossed into a possibly unstable living situation I would say is too much of a risk.
Blemish: Well said.
I believe the white knights in this thread defy logic
JumpedAShark: It's helping out a person in need. It's basic human compassion. He's not giving up the rest of his life to help someone. If any of my friends were in this situation, I'd try and help them, and I don't see why this guy should do differently just because it's his girlfriend.
Blemish: You have a lot to learn.
* Anytime somebody is asking for help to the point where it will have *negative consequences on your own life*, ... you need to re-evaluate if this is your friend. Or if they really care about you or what you can offer.
Op is only 21 yrs old living with his aunt while completing his studies.
The type of assistance this [**obviously irresponsible**](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1qb629/tifu_by_getting_my_gf_kicked_out_of_the_house_and/cdb6yoe) 24 yr old adult requires will pose an enormous strain on OP.
Plus there is no guarantee that this is a solid relationship after just 2 months.
That's a massive commitment and investment into such a fresh relationship.
JumpedAShark: I'm not saying he has to give up on school for her, or get a second job and cover her expenses, or anything like that. What I'm trying to say is that there are other, better options for how to handle this situation than just "Get out and run." Considering everything that's happened with her and her family, that seems like one of the worst things to do to someone.
As for her being irresponsible, I don't think it's fair to give up on a person so quickly just for being irresponsible. Everyone's gone through irresponsible phases. Show me someone in their early- to mid-20s who hasn't had responsibility issues. That doesn't mean they can't learn. Perhaps this whole episode will teach her something about handling finances, and being more independent. She can get help from OP, but he doesn't need to be responsible for her.
All I'm saying is, OP doesn't need to abandon his girlfriend because she's got issues. He can explore his options, which he seems to be doing, but simply cutting-and-running because she's troubled is something I think he'll regret.
Blemish: From what OP said, she suggested renting and apartment for $450 a month, even though he clearly cannot afford it.
I see your point, but the type of help that this young lady needs, will put a strain on OP to deliver, especially considering this delicate point in his life.
JumpedAShark: That's fair, and I agree that he should not exceed his means in terms of what he can afford to do, both financially and figuratively speaking. But I still feel that there are things he can help her with that don't necessarily require him to give something up. Even something relatively small, like talking to his aunt about letting her stay there for a bit while she gets back on her feet (I realize this *could* be asking a lot, but simply asking his aunt can't hurt), would be more beneficial than leaving her entirely to her own means.
Blemish: > letting her stay there for a bit while she gets back on her feet
That could easily take months and would require a commitment of resources (money, food, utilities) to take care of this person.
I don't know how many people would allow that, considering the 2 month time frame and level of drama.
The aunt would probably see this girlfriend as more of a drain on OP, than someone who can contribute to a successful relationship.
Its begs wonder what caused the dynamics of the relationship between the young lady and her mother. There is more to this puzzle.
| 12 | 75.583333 | |
1384104262 | 1384207235 | null | t5_2to41 | 50 | Kursawow: TIFU by kissing a woman who isn't my girlfriend.
It actually happened Friday but whatever, its starting to hit the fan today.
So Friday I went to go help a friend I've had for about half a year go dress shopping for her debutant ball, or some big dance. Things were going platonic until time came where we had to go our separate ways, then it changed.
I'm not entirely sure how, or why it happened but we ended up kissing, all the while my girlfriend is slaving away as a cashier at Wal-Mart.
Needless to say I instantly regretted it post kiss, and my friend did too. We both said it happened, and we said it "never happened".
Then this morning I awaken to a message saying how much of a bad idea it all was, and how I broke everyone's trust, my friends, and most importantly my girlfriends, and my friend didn't want anything to do with me for a while.
Now I totally agree with her, I was the biggest of cocks doing what I did, and I have no idea how to make amends to my friend, and my girlfriend without her knowing what I did, and I know I need to. I will never be able to live this down, or forgive myself for it, but I feel like I need to do something to magically fix it all.
I guess the point of this post is just for me to vent a bit, I hope someone can help me out with ideas what I should do.
[deleted]: So shes blaming you for you both kissing each other?
Kursawow: Well, I did initiate it.
BearSeekingFace: Takes two to tango.
Cougs67: So is your username a bear that is seeking a face or is it a face that is bear-seeking?
BearSeekingFace: They work together. Hand in hand. Like a sheep herder and a wolf.
Cougs67: Wouldn't the be eternal adversaries? The face that wants to take out a bear, and a bear who is really hungry for some face
BearSeekingFace: They used to be a thing.
| 8 | 6.25 | |
1384112972 | 1384143189 | null | t5_2to41 | 42 | [deleted]: TIFU by riding in an elevator.
Not today but last night, my roomate, his girlfriend and I went downtown to our friends apartment to pre game before hitting the bars. So we're slamming back brews and what not, and we run out of booze and head out. Now here's where I start to fuck up. As we get on the elevator to head down, my roommates girlfriend starts to freak out because she's super claustrophobic and hates being in elevators. So me, being the drunk asshole that I am, start jumping up and down in the elevator like a fuckin' 5 year old on Christmas. And sure as shit, the motherfucker just stops, right in between level 7 and 8. So now she starts freaking out and hyperventilating really bad yelling, "OH MY GOD, DID IT STOP, ARE WE STUCK? HOLYSHITHOLYSHIT." So we hit the emergency button while she freaks the fuck out and we get connected to some lady halfway across the fuckin country who's apparently tryin to contact the apartment manager and concierge blah blah blah.
This bitch clearly isn't solving the problem. So now, the most probable course of action at this point is to be a hero and try and bust everyone out this bitch. Still being a drunk asshole I decide I'm Tom Cruise and can do mission impossible shit. So I stand on the handrails and pop the top of the elevator, except it won't move out of the way to get to the second door in the roof, so I start getting aggressive with it, and surprise! All the lights shut off. My bad. Roommates gf lets out a blood curdling battle cry loud enough to rival William Wallace and threatens to cut off my dick. The emergency lady here's it over the intercom bullshit and says, "is everything ok what happened?" And my roommates gf, still having a panic attack yells, "LISTEN HERE YOU FUCKIN CUNT, YOU GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE OR SO HELP ME I WILL FIND YOU AND YOUR FAMILY AND CUT YOUR FACES OFF AND WEAR THEM FOR FUCKING HALLOWEEN." Apparently she really doesn't like small spaces.... So now we have cell phone lights shining trying to calm her down; and I still determine that I'm gonna be the hero in this situation. So I try and pry open the elevator door, and after heaving for a few minutes I get it open just wide enough to get your arm through and let in a bit of light. Well, turns out when you try and do that it sets off some sort of locking mechanism that makes it harder for the fire department to bust you out. Oops. Anyway, the fire department gets there finally after being stuck for an hour, and spend another half hour busting us out because I broke shit. Still being drunk, once we got out I proceeded to shake every fireman's hand and thank them for what they'd done, and inadvertently hit on one of them for complimenting his grizzly mustache. Seriously, this thing was gorgeous. It probably could cure cancer. No homo... Anyway, after all was said and done, I got punched in the face by roommates gf for getting us stuck, got shut down by the fireman because, "although he appreciates the compliment, he doesn't play for that team," and caused ~2500$ in damages and repairs in the elevator. (Luckily I don't have to pay for it.) And then after this we all went and got more drunk. Overall good night.
TL/DR; Got everyone stuck in an elevator with an extremely claustrophobic woman and tried to bust us out and be a hero and caused ~2500$ in damages and then got inadvertently shut down by a fireman.
[deleted]: How would you cause $2500 in damage by jumping up and down? I'm calling BS.
[deleted]: He also tried to open the ceiling, which in real life you can't really do; also, the firefighters had to bust them out, which, while not being caused by them, may have required some damage
| 3 | 14 | |
1384116960 | 1384120227 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | 2dvh: TIFU by being a good pet owner and taking my cat to the vet.
Archczar: Is this a tifu or a first world problem? Use a cat carrier and buy a new pair of dockers! Very funny story- what did your mom think?
2dvh: Yeah I should prolly get a cat carrier.
And it was a pair of pajama bottoms not dockers,haha.
My mom didn't say anything, she just started holding her nose because I guess that the smell was bad. I was just so surprised that it happened that the smell didn't phase me.
All I did was grab some baby wipes and started to clean my pants and the car armrest as best as I could.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1384121454 | 1384186371 | null | t5_2to41 | 712 | Iamnotindanger: TIFU by giving away £60 worth of pizzas to a customer for free.
It's pretty simple really.
I work in a pizza store, and this lady phoned up and asked for 6 large pizzas and lots of sides, to be collected.
-20 mins later-
She comes in and waits for about 5 minutes because there's been a delay on one of her pizzas.
I go to the back to sort something else out.
5 minutes later, I come back. The pizzas are ready so I put them on the countertop.
"That'll be £60 please."
"Oh, I've already paid."
"Sorry who did you pay with?"
"That short asian guy over there." - With a smile on her face.
So I smile, laugh, and say "Okay, thats fine then", and let her be on her way with her pizzas.
-------------------------------------
**The aftermath for those interested**:
Later that night (1am so technically the morning), my manager called me saying
"We're £60 short (on our system), do you have any idea where it went? Maybe you put some money in a different till, or put some in your pocket by mistake?"
I said, "No, not that I know of. I don't have any money on me."
**-Next Day-**
He phoned me again at 10am saying
"I've just watched some CCTV footage, and it shows you giving the pizzas away without a payment."
So yeah it ends with the manager asking for a deposit from me (the full £60), just until he sorts the situation out, and gets the money back from her. He is going to bring the police into this.
We are not gonna let this bitch get away with that. She actually committed a crime, and even though it was my fault for not properly checking to see if she'd paid, she basically stole from us.
------------------
**Update: Some Good News**
Manager called me into his office today, he told me the woman paid up!
[No need for me to pay!] (http://www.troll.me/images/teblow/time-to-celebrate-and-i-will.jpg)
He basically told her that we have footage of her. Also we have no receipt of payment. She also said that she couldn't find her receipt... ^^I ^^wonder ^^why.
So she just paid up.
Lets_play_numberwang: I don't think your manager should be asking you for £60 - aside from anything, theres no way that order actually cost £60 at cost price - even if that is legal, he should only be charging you at cost for whats lost... I wouldnt not be giving him a penny.
ZeldenGM: It's not legal. If he were a contractor being hired by the pizza place then there would be financial liability. As an employee he is not financially liable.
Lets_play_numberwang: yeah I thought as much. it seems dodgy.
ZeldenGM: How much did OP pay again?
Lets_play_numberwang: is that a trick question? it feels like a trick question?.. he said the manager wanted him to pay the £60 until/if the woman got caught and paid it back, he didnt say if he had paid it though.
ZeldenGM: It was a numberwang setup :(
Oh well - Rotate the board!
Lets_play_numberwang: Ive been wangernumbed
ZeldenGM: It was a simple lampoon
| 9 | 79.111111 | |
1384126845 | 1384668491 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | Jeeringdrip: TIFU by fooling around with my married boss.
I don't know why I did it, other than hormones. He is everything I hate in a guy and I've never considered myself to be a slut before. Yes he is cute and flirtatious, but that's never been an issue. I didn't think things would go as far as they did considering he is married. I didn't realize I had such a lack of morals.. that I could be such a whore..
SidiusMaximus89: No respect for your kind. Sorry but that's total slutdom. But then again I'm just someone on the internet. Enjoy your day.
slimzimm: No respect for your kind. Sorry but that's total neckbeard. But then again, I'm just some genius on the interweb. Enjoy your mountain dew.
SidiusMaximus89: haha I like you invisible person.
slimzimm: You just made me re-evaluate my entire life. Have I been invisible this whole time?
SidiusMaximus89: Do you feel that people are looking right through you? Do you often feel like you're all alone, even when in a crowded room? Is light constantly reflecting off you, preventing people from viewing you with the normal light spectrum? Or perhaps your existence has not been acknowledged by anyone except reddit? Then yes you are and have been invisible this whole time. But fret not, there is a number you can call for others out there who suffer from the same lack of having people care about you and/or acknowledge you. Call1(800) 867 5309
slimzimm: Thank you Jenny, for telling me who I can turn to. You give me something I can hold on to. I know you think I'm like the others before who saw your name and number on the wall.
SidiusMaximus89: Hahaha. A sincere thank you to you sir or ma'am for playing along this fine Monday morning.
slimzimm: You're fedorable.
| 9 | 2.222222 | |
1384146089 | 1384223035 | null | t5_2to41 | 67 | [deleted]: TIFU by losing my virginity to a hooker
Ill make this really short and quick to read.
Went to bar, had no luck.
Buddy ended up coming over with a hot girl and said shed fuck me.
We talked and then ended up in the back of my SUV
Buddy tells me later that he paid the hooker to fuck me and thought it was awesome.
I feel dirty and like I didn't lose it the way I wanted to...
Least it was free and I used protection, but now I feel shitty
Mr_Evil_MSc: Dm;hs.
Also, try and get better friends.
ShellReaver: Fuck that, I want this friends.
mamapycb: if i lived a lifestyle where my friends could AFFORD to be giving hookers away i'd be happy.
| 4 | 16.75 | |
1384147467 | 1384187596 | null | t5_2to41 | 66 | TylerTman: TIFU by working 14 hours
I get off my 14 hours shift and decide to head home for the 3 day weekend. I end up locking my keys in my car with the car running had to just about break my fingers/wrist jamming through a crack in the window to unlock the doors. As I'm doing this a cop stops me cause it obviously looks like I'm stealing this car. As im trying to explain to him whats going on it just happens that I apparently lost my wallet at some point during work.. so this makes the cops encounter even more exciting. Finally he approves its me and my car and I'm on my way. but the fun doesn't stop here..
Me being stupid, tired, and angry realize I need gas before I head home so I go to fill up my car.. but only after completely filling it about 50$ I remember that I had lost my wallet... no way to pay for the gas, I go inside try and explain my situation to the clerk but shes not buying it. Eventually she lets me go leave after writing down my info and I head to bank to get some money but of course they will not let me deposit without an ID so I'm fucked now. I head back to home and look for wallet for about an hour or so still no luck, I drive to my place of work and see if it has been found there, but nobody has seen it. But apparently I have some real life karma left over and I get a call from some random person that they found my wallet on campus. Relived I meet them and get my wallet, still has everythign in it. I go back to pay for the gas everything is finally going good and I can now head home! but my karma seems to have ran out yet again... as I am happily tiredly on my way home about 2 hours in my car ride my engine starts acting up and then suddenly overheats, with white smoke coming out and no rpms... my head gasket blew on my car... i quit.. ..today really just cant get much worse and tifu by driving home when I should have just slept
AuctionSniper: Hey, at least you didn't get arrested.
TylerTman: haha yeah. pretty dang close though to be honest.
| 3 | 22 | |
1384156327 | 1384200576 | null | t5_2to41 | 533 | yingmail: TIFU and killed my new cat.
jrdk: That's sad :( try to think things through next time. Common sense will gova long way
yingmail: It was an accident.
[deleted]: It was an accident, yeah we get that. But anyone with a little sense knows not do pull that. Take solace in the fact that it was an animal and not a child because you'd be going to trial and probably doing time accident or not.
Do one thing for me, others who are like me reading this and your poor dead cat, grow the fuck up! Don't shrug this off as an "oops", moment learn from it. Because seriously, it really bothers me how casually you write about how you accidentally killed a cat due to your complete and utter stupidity that could have be circumvented by using a bit of critical thinking.
I'm not trying to just be an asshole. I know that I am. But tough love trumps kindness in these situations. Otherwise you're likely to repeat it, and probably didn't get reamed when you did stupid shit enough as a kid. Otherwise you would have asked yourself, "what good could come of this?".
So please even if I get down voted to nothing please heed my message. Learn from this and never let it happen again and stop being so flippant and casual. Don't brush it off and an accident. You terminated a life. This is a big deal you should feel terrible. Not forever but long enough for you to feel the weight of the life you stole.
Oh and for the love of all animals do not get another pet until you've matured to the level appropriate for becoming the guardian of another life. I'd hate the world to loose another defenseless animal to you as well as you having to repeat this trauma again. Once will be hard enough on you. Oh and it goes without saying probably best for you to put off children till it's been a while since your last stupidity murdering of an animal, just for your sake. Best of luck in your future ventures.
notgayinathreeway: psst, this just happened, he's probably in shock from the whole ordeal. Of course everything you said was true, but there's no need to say it because I guarantee he's either already trying not to accept that, which is why he's trying to play it off as casual, or he's a sociopath and no amount of reasoning would ever let him understand emotion and guilt.
[deleted]: See here is the difference between yourself and I. All your reasonings for justifying why I shouldn't say anything are reasons to say it. In fact I feel more justified. Excuse me for being the ONE person to say the things that he NEEDS to hear. If he was in shock he wouldn't be writing on reddit. I have no sympathy for stupid. But I still feel for him. It's a shitty situation but he deserves it and all the regrets. He needs to embrace it. It will get better and serve as a reminder later in life and he will be better for it. But as long as people like you say I shouldn't pipe up and say something are around he can justify himself and not fully learn from it. I mean for fucks sake he took a life. A kitten not even half a year old. Stole it from this cat for a pathetic joke that would give 10 seconds of sadistic joy he might have gotten out of watching the cat flee in terror from startling it. I mean think of it this way. How would you react if a man dropped a piano narrowly missing you while your back was turned? You'd be pissed. So what makes you think I shouldn't berate him for his foolishness. His idea of startling his kitten and the guy with the piano(I up scale this to make the damages the same in the event of the accident) doing it intentionally is essentially the same thing except if you kill a person you go to prison and he just has to burry the cat and no real repercussions will come his way. You people clearly just don't understand the value of life with how much of a nonissue you make this out to be.
I know this is r/tifu but that's no reason to trivialize a serious post about a serious issue where life was lost. He needs to learn or he will do it again. I want to support him but I also want him to learn. So yes I'll speak my mind and I hope he heeds me but also doesn't let this situation haunt him.
notgayinathreeway: I understand the value of life. [Probably more than you do](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1qd4je/tifu_and_killed_my_new_cat/cdbtbck). And that's coming from someone who won't even harm insects.
But what you're doing, it's not helping. It's just further depressing someone who I can assure you already feels bad enough about it. Your arguments that he's not in shock because he's on here trying to cope with it by telling someone is a flawed assumption, and it seems to be the entire basis for your rant. You're not saying what's needed to be heard, and furthermore, you're not even the only one saying it. You're just making this random guy feel bad, and while he should feel bad. I do agree he should, he already does without your furthering it.
So stop being such a smug fuck and let it go. You don't realize how much you can harm someone by saying these things, you're no better than the OP you are so diligently shaming.
Carelessness caused this accident, yes, and I'm more than certain he knows that, but carelessness or not, it was still an accident, and it's over with. You aren't helping anyone. You're just being rude and insensitive.
[deleted]: Yes I understand where you're coming from. I appreciate it but I disagree. You understand the value of life no more than I. You think just because you too have taken the life of a innocent means you understand more than me who has never taken life of anything that wasn't out to harm me makes you understand it more? You're doing that same thing you criticize me of in your first damned sentence. There is no bounds to how foolish that makes you.
Now I can appreciate and understand where you come from. But he should be depressed and he should feel like shit. He should feel the weight if his mistake not brush it off.
I'm not perfect and I've never said I was better than him. Nay I'm probably worse. I won't air my laundry on the internet though. But I am no better than him as a person. I am smarter I can say that with 100% conviction. But he is also young. So it is our duty as adults to share what I have that he does not. I grew up with tough love. I was far kinder in my words than my family was with me when I made mistakes and I turned out perfectly. I have a career, two cats (both unkilled) a strong relationship with a wonderful woman, I just bought a house and I'm not even 23. I accomplished that by being pushed and forced to deal with the repercussions of my actions on my own from a young age. It's high time my generation and those after mine be taught this lesson. I say this because your argument will undoubtably be in that I'm an asshole and that being raised that way made me that way. But on the contrary in person I'm actually not an asshole provided you think before you act like I do myself.
And hell after that first comment I left to him directly I was aiming it at people other than him. And I was actually pretty nice in the comment I left him. I'm sorry you don't share my beliefs in how problems were dealt with but this is open forum I am allowed to act as I please as long as I do not directly harm any one. I've never wished harm on op once. Only to use stark reason to properly convey the magnitude of this issue since everyone else is laughing it off and making it out to be trivial. It's not.
So let's be real here you and I disagree but I don't think you're a bad person. But you have no case. As long as I see for to respond to people I will share my mind. That is what reddit is for. You can feel free to continue to tell me to stop but it has no bearing on who I am as a person and my convictions as an adult who has had my fair share of horrible accidents caused by my own stupidity. It's not so much you or even him that doesn't understand the value of life as much as the others in this comment thread that most of my posts were aimed at. And it infuriates me so I speak. So seriously I respect you and your opinion but I do not agree with it. And I will not augment my actions to fall in line with your expectations. Best wishes for you.
InvalidUsernameAgain: Of for fucks sake. Each of your comments make me more mad.
>I am smarter I can say that with 100% conviction. But he is also young. So it is our duty as adults to share what I have that he does not.
No, you're not his parent. You're a stranger on the internet. He made a mistake. And how the hell does a mistake make him less smart than you?
>I grew up with tough love. I was far kinder in my words than my family was with me when I made mistakes and I turned out perfectly.
Are you trying to make him a good person through like 5 internet comments? It doesn't matter how your parents talked to you. You're seriously a condescending prick.
>I have a career, two cats (both unkilled) a strong relationship with a wonderful woman, I just bought a house and I'm not even 23. I accomplished that by being pushed and forced to deal with the repercussions of my actions on my own from a young age. It's high time my generation and those after mine be taught this lesson
Are you trying to be some sort of white knight? Are you bragging about what you have? Why? Congratulations you have a house. Congratulations you have a girlfriend. How does this relate to the original story? And seriously, you think you're going to be the savior of your generation by "teaching them values?" No. Stop, you're just being a jerk.
>"...two cats (both unkilled)"
Yup, you're definitely an asshole. You're really are. You've accomplished nothing but being an ass. You haven't encouraged or taught any lessons.
One more question: are you a vegetarian/vegan?
[deleted]: Damn it you caught on. yeah I am an asshole, this isn't even my account. Co-worker left it open at work so I was trying to see how much karma I could loose for him. (he had to go to a jobsite) Backfired at first but is starting to gain momentum. He was being a bit over critical from what I read decided to take it over the top. Honestly thought I would not be taken so seriously since it is the internet and all. Did I play the part well? I'm thinking I did since I got you so worked up, sorry about that. But rest assured I will pay when He gets back and sees this...But I will take solace that I was able to don that persona, though I did use aspects of my life. Sorry I got you worked up so much for a little prank, you may like to thicken your skin up good sir.
That said I cant muster the will to answer to your calls since I wasn't serious anyway, I just get a kick out of making someone I will never meet upset over something that truly doesn't affect them, but once again, rest assured I will get mine when my buddy gets back...Yeah I'm a dick but prank wars pull the worst in everyone out, for that I am sorry.
Also, not vegan, I eat whatever tickles my fancy. I do so with the predicate that whenever I eat I am consuming life to prolong mine. So when I die and my cats eat me, I wont blame them for doing so.
edit:Just for reference, my buddy isn't a bad guy nor the bad guy here. I'm a shitty person for taking his first thing in the morning over the top bad day post response and trying to make that turn into negative karma. But he did leave it open at work on a slow day.
The_Renegabe: uh huh yeah sure you are
[deleted]: Hey I can't prove he did it. Not a fan of posting private things to the internet. But all I know is what I came back to after being out on a jobsite with no cell reception. He's kinda a dick. That wasn't cool but I guess I learned not to forget to close a page when I leave the internet and I did add Justin Beiber as a variation to most of his pandora stations so I did deserve to be messed with. Just kinda wish it wasn't as public and didn't have collateral damage.
Oh well damage is done right?
| 12 | 44.416667 | |
1384142953 | 1384184545 | null | t5_2to41 | 288 | porn4everybody1111: TIFU by showing 3D porn to my family.
So I just got a new 51" active 3D TV.
The first thing I watched as Avatar. It was so amazing I wondered what porn would be like.
Put some on, and started rubbing slowly. Since I didn't to touch a new remote and put dick germs onto it, I elbowed the off button and went to shower and off to bed.
The next day, my family came over, the first thing the cousins and parents went to do was check the TV out. I'm cooking in the kitchen while all this happens thinking that will watch Avatar or what not.
BEHOLD, THIS FUCKING TV HAS AUTO RESUME. Turning on the TV bring you back to the last file played and where you left off.
At first it was silent as the kids were in the room... for 10 minutes. Then I hear the parents shouting at the kids. I come in to defend them to which the parents tell me 'No need to cover for them'
Now I'm hiding here typing this. Poor fucking kids. Stupid technology.
KatzenKatz: Remember that woman who said she got pregnant from watching 3D porn? That was a funny day...
GordonMaple: link?
menstreusel: It turned out to be fake, but still amusing
http://www.snopes.com/pregnant/3dfilm.asp
Stephette: My favourite link is [this one](http://news.techeye.net/internet/woman-says-3d-porno-made-her-pregnant)
>TechEye did a survey of one person and found 100 percent would say the same thing in a similar situation.
| 5 | 57.6 | |
1384175129 | 1384212806 | null | t5_2to41 | 436 | Clashloudly: TIFU by setting fire to my hair, beard and face.
Well, not *today*, obviously - this was on Saturday. I am a fire spinner (using a fire staff) and fire breather.
I went to a friend's party and decided to do my thing on the roof, where the people who wanted to chill out from all the dancing and drinking going on downstairs went. It went excellently well - I was really in the zone. I had even breathed fire successfully earlier, but I tried something new without practicing: kneeling down and breathing upwards, rathern than at an angle.
The result: a drop of kerosene fell onto my beard, and another on my shirt, and I spent five seconds with half my face on fire. I suffered first and second degree burns, but after soaking my face in water and applying some ointment, I was fine... and even breathed fire again.
[Here's a pic taken one second before going all Ghost Rider](http://imgur.com/RHVSD4S)
omegawoot: You're breathing with Kero?! Not [ultra pure lamp oil](http://www.lowes.com/pd_130791-486-2209585_4294822580+4294925669__?Ntt=oil%2Blamps&UserSearch=oil%2Blamps&productId=3544270&rpp=32)?
Did you have a safety at least?
Did you have a drip rag? sounds like that would've prevented this
Clashloudly: Kerosene is much easier and cheaper to find, and has never given me any trouble. I do use lamp oil whenever I can get my hands on it. I did have a drip rag that was tossed to me, but thankfully I managed to put the fire out with my hands before long (the fire wouldn't let me see where the rag was, anyway). Lesson learned: never breathe fire upwards. Weird thing is *I know this*, but as I said... I fucked up.
omegawoot: Yeah, a 45 degree angle is much safer and still very cool. I stick to fire dragonstaff & fire rope dart myself but I know a lot of breathers.
Clashloudly: I've been gradually upping the angle, and now I can safely do it at about 60 degrees, but this nearly 90 degree thing was just irresponsible on my part.
Dragon staff is so cool! I tried once with an unlit one and failed miserably. Are there any fire rope dart videos you can suggest?
omegawoot: [This one](http://youtu.be/lMnnE-jlsnM) is a friend of mine. He's great! I'm working on filming a video right now, but I need to repair my dart first.
Humpin_Toad: Ok where can I attempt to learn this?
omegawoot: http://wildfireretreat.com/ If you're east coast (or if you're from Eastern MA PM me)
http://www.firedrums.org/ is west coast
and there's a TON more of flow events if you want. Connect with flow artists / fire spinners in your local City, flow artists most often teach for fun or reasonable cost.
| 8 | 54.5 | |
1384178836 | 1384212903 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,080 | the-derpinator: TIFU by holding it in on a road trip.
Well as the title suggests, we were on a road trip.
We had stopped at a petrol station about 10 kms back, but I chose not to go because of the appalling state of all of the rest rooms. What I had done at this particular stop was buy a whole bunch of snacks for the road, and subsequently eaten them all. So at this point we (my parents, sister and I) are driving down a corrugated gravel road in a crappy Honda CRV when it happened. The car hit a particularly large bump and it surprised me enough to make me poop a little.
Now, you may be thinking that this is the TIFU, but no, it gets much worse.
This small piece of poop was apparently acting as a plug to stop what I can only describe as a torrential downpour of diarrhea from flowing out of my butt. With its removal, I released said diarrhea that had been churning and groaning inside of me like a particularly upset fetus all over my seat, floor, blankets, baggage and sister. I would have laughed had I not just emptied my own digestive track all over my belongings sitting at my feet. We hurriedly pulled over to the side of the road and I am sitting 10m down the road from my disgusted family to shield myself from their harsh words.
TLDR; Shaken, not stirred.
PagingCraig: 0 Days Without an Accident
hogglethebear: We should probably change this to hours, or else it won't have a chance to get to 1 let alone further.
BeerPowered: We should really make /r/TodayIShatMyself
EDIT: Holy fuck, it exists!
whelp_welp: Revive it!
BeerPowered: Not planning to shit myself in near future, sorry.
howdousername: You don't have to plan on it man. Shit happens!
| 7 | 154.285714 | |
1384166142 | 1384303263 | null | t5_2to41 | 118 | catmeifyoucan: TIFU by taking my Ritalin pill instead of of my birth control... at 10 pm.
Don't know how it happened... I guess I was on autopilot... "Hey, time to take my medicine"... Containers look absolutely nothing alike... And didn't really figure out my mistake till I was wide awake at midnight and my bc pill was still in its packet. It's going to be a long night and an even longer day at work tomorrow...
Dewstain: If you're truly ADD, you should be able to sleep through Ritalin. It just helps you focus, it doesn't keep you awake. It happens with any stimulant in an ADD person, Caffeine, Ritalin, Adderall, etc.
Rnway: Not true.
Source: I had ADD.
Dewstain: ADD doesn't go away, dipshit.
Source: I ***HAVE*** ADD.
thingsthatarelost: Actually, some people grow out of it when they become adults. Not everyone who has it as an adolescent has it for their entire lifel
Dewstain: They don't grow out of it, it's a chemical imbalance in your brain. Adults tend to find better ways of dealing with it, but you can't grow out of it.
thingsthatarelost: actually, it's an underdevelopment of the prefrontal cortex. it's got nothing to do with brain chemistry.
| 7 | 16.857143 | |
1384193385 | 1384194658 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | lkmakeupyourmind: Poop covered keys!
kinda_alone: Please repost and start it with TIFU. Thank you.
Your friendly moderator
kinda_alone
lkmakeupyourmind: You got it!
| 3 | 1 | |
1384191719 | 1384199919 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | Obalanserad: TIFU And destroyed my friends pants.
Well, it's a Monday, I was feeling productive. And my jeans was trashy as hell, so I decided to cut the back pockets of them, just so I could sew them onto my new pants. First pocket off, got some receipts, strange, but not strange enough. I never take those. Ah well, I take of the other pocket, and eh.. More.. Receipts.. I eh.. check the pants, that were lying on my pants, when I picked em up. Never even coincided. Soo.. I'm going to have a awkward conversation later.. Fuck.
Tl:dr: I cut the pockets off my friends pants.. (Only jeans).
half-pint87: You said you could sew, why not put them back on and tell him/her about it? Probably get a good laugh, and make the pair have some sentimental value.
Obalanserad: I actually can't sew.. I was thinking about it. I don't even have needle and tread.. :/ But. yeah :)
half-pint87: Well, I can't think of a better reason to learn. It might even be fun. Just make a joke of it. A sweing kit is extremely cheap. May be even do it with the other person? I would be impressed by it myself.
| 4 | 8 | |
1384194690 | 1384199318 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | lkmakeupyourmind: TIFU Poop covered keys
I just thought I would share a funny story with you guys...
I work as a vendor in a pretty large cosmetics store all over my state. While I was working on location I went to the restroom to handle my business. As a makeup artist I carry a pretty large tool/brush belt which I always hook my keys on.
My friends always yell at me saying my keys are to heavy for my ignition. I recently bought a Brutus the bulldog self defense weapon to add to my key bundle. http://www.amazon.com/Brutus-Bull-Self-Defense-Keychain/dp/B003JT4KEG
After handling my business, I went to wrap the brush belt back around my waist, while doing so my huge set of keys flew off the belt into the flushing toilet... I froze like I was in a movie... did that just happen? How the hell did that toilet eat my huge set of keys?
I literally froze for a good minute in hopes to wake up from a dream...
After sticking my hand down the hungry toilet I thought all hope was lost...
I had to admit to the manager what just happened...
The plumber finally came, he detached the toilet from the ground and lo and behold the bulldog was the only thing holding
my poop covered keys from going down the black hole of doom!
[IMG]http://i.imgur.com/QH5LQkC.jpg[/IMG]
a_davis: What kind of people are you putting make up on the require carrying such a weapon?
lkmakeupyourmind: Lmao you'd be shocked ...
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1384201989 | 1384239106 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | [deleted]: TIFU by not buying condoms
So I was at my girlfriends house earlier today and we decided we wanted to go all the way. Now this would be my first time doing this so I was pretty excited however I'm not an idiot so I left to go buy condoms(also my first time).
I go to the nearest gas station walk around and then realize I'd have to ask the cashier for them. I chicken out and end up buying a snickers bar(it was good). I then go to a Walgreens down the street. I find them but I start to look around nervously. I swear there was 50+ middle aged women in that store just waiting to judge me. So I wimp out again and go across the street to a Frys(grocery store). They have self checkout so it was perfect! Unitl I found that the condoms were locked up by the 70 year old pharmacist.
Once I again I leave a store sad and embarrassed that I can't even man up and buy the condoms. I get back to her house and relay to her what happened. Luckily she understood because she is a great girl. Sadly I fucked up and ended up not fucking.
TL;DR: Take two on Thursday
pk_random: Nobody would have judged you because I'm pretty sure that all of those older people have had to buy condoms.
missyo02: Target and Walmart have them for much cheaper and are not usually locked up. Many have self check out too.
| 3 | 11.333333 | |
1384204078 | 1384306351 | null | t5_2to41 | 110 | FiftyShadesofDutch: TIFU by misspeaking and suggesting a high school girl was well-endowed
I [21M] work at a media corporation, and I was working on a high school sports story about a notable team of cross country girls. Sorry to be vague, but I’m trying to leave out identifying details.
Anyway, I was talking to the coach, and he was speaking about one of the girls in particular who is a star athlete, the second fastest in our state. Not only that, but she is an honors student, and consistently gets good grades.
Hearing this, I commented that she sounds like an incredibly well-developed girl.
The conversation halted, and he went silent. I explained that I meant well-rounded, but it didn’t ease the awkwardness.
It’s a good thing this interview was over the phone. My face was *reeeed.*
**TL;DR – TIFU by misspeaking and suggesting a high school girl was well-endowed.**
eithris: I once worked in a university cafeteria, so of course I got to enjoy tons of eye candy. On the weekends pajamas were the usual uniform for breakfast. On a particularly cold and rainy morning this girl comes through the line and every jaw dropped. She was a goddess. Hair wet, rocking body, wearing a white tank top and white shorts with no bra or panties, and she was freakin stacked. Her boobs were HUGE, but not a hint of sagging, even bra-less. Her six pack abs stood out in perfect detail, it was cold and her nipples could have scratched glass. She'd walked in from the rain and might as well have been naked. We could see everything in full detail.
Towards the end of breakfast I was stacking trays and another worker asked if I had seen her while we were bullshittin. Without thinking I blurt out "that chick has GLORIOUS tits!!!" and didn't understand why co-worker turned red in the face and backed away. Until I turned around and she was right behind me, about to dump her food tray. I stuttered, I stammered, but couldn't get words to form. She just smiled at me, dumped her tray and said "thanks, I like em too" and walked out the door, taking my heart with her.
King_Pumpernickel: Holy shit dude that could have been so much worse.
And better. What the fuck. Shoulda jumped on that shit.
eithris: It was six years ago, but I still think about her. I wish I had the guts then to make a move.
| 4 | 27.5 | |
1384217135 | 1384236058 | null | t5_2to41 | 65 | [deleted]: TIFU by making myself appear racist on a Hardee's application.
I was just filling out a Hardee's application on my phone answering the usual Yes or No questions. You are given 45 seconds for each question and you can't confirm them or go back to them. I got to the question "Does it bother you working with people of another race?" which I've never even seen before and I hit Yes by accident. The answers were so close together and my thumb deceived me.
TLDR: I made myself appear racist for an application at a fried chicken place.
exile_: Hardee's is a fried chicken place?
DankerDank: I think so. What is it??
Phoenix591: Burgers. They call most of theirs "Thickburgers". The foods decent, I put it below Wendy's and above McDonalds.
SoyPopo: We have a pharmacy called Hardys, close enough right?
| 5 | 13 | |
1384226809 | 1384238560 | t3_1qf1mq | t5_2to41 | 1,226 | yonoober: She kinda turned away and blushed, then while giggling, she said "I'll wait."
It took me about a minute to get myself under control, and that was *while* thinking of getting my dick slammed in a door and other painful things like that.
She hasn't told anyone (to my knowledge), but I've told reddit.
Yes, my friends know, but they don't know who she is.
Does that help? I'm sorry for ending on a cliffhanger.
AnalOverload: If that was the way it went then she's a keeper man! Ask her out.
I have seen crazier things in this sub. This one guy shat on a girl while rock climbing, he updated us and asked the girl out and they went on a date. Last I heard he was going on a second date, wonder if he's still around to fill us in on more.
But totally op, ask her out and keep us posted.
Edit: link to the Rock climber http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1o8xgx/tifu_by_going_rock_climbing_with_diarrhea/
yonoober: Oh, I will.
I might do it tomorrow, actually.
aido727: Do or do not, there is no "might"
yonoober: I WILL ASK HER OUT TOMORROW.
notgayinathreeway: How old are you, out of curiosity?
yonoober: 15, turning 16 on Sunday.
notgayinathreeway: Make sure to invite her over on Saturday to hang out all day. That way you get a full day with her, if she goes for it. Tell her it's for your birthday, but it can't be on sunday because you'll have relatives in the way of hanging out, as you'll have to entertain them.
When she gets there, be wearing the pajamas, and if she says anything tell her you just like to be comfy for your birthday, and you hope she doesn't mind.
That way she'll be over at your house on a night you can stay up completely late, and she'll instantly be thinking about your penis when she arrives.
Good luck on your adventures, and please do not tell me any of the details because I'm pretty sure that would be illegal for me to read.
EDIT: You guys must have missed the memo, this was made in reply to his post saying he plans to tell her how he feels tomorrow, so you people thinking this is some super shady rapey kind of stalker thing are just being stupid.
ptipp93: I don't see why telling her it's his birthday is necessary?
notgayinathreeway: he tells her he likes her, and wants to spend time with her more, and mentions this weekend being his birthday and him not having plans makes her more likely to decide to come out to watch movies all day where she might normally be hesitant to do so. It encourages her to justify spending time with him in her mind, so that he has a better chance of her accepting his invite to hangout, and then he can woo her as needed to stick around.
ptipp93: But what if they end up starting a relationship? Is he just going to have to spend the entire time pretending his birthday is that day? She's bound to find out eventually. I think it's kind of a dumb thing to lie about that isn't worth trying to keep it up.
notgayinathreeway: I never said anything about lying about his birthday. He said he tuns 16 on Sunday, and I said to tell her his birthday is this weekend, WHICH IT IS, and that he's doing things with his family on the actual day, so he wants to hang out a day early, WHICH IS A SATURDAY.
THAT WAY THEY GET TO SPEND MORE TIME TOGETHER AND WON'T GET BOTHERED BY HIS FAMILY.
ptipp93: Shit. I missed that part. I just remembered him saying he was turning 16, but didn't realize he actually said sunday. To be honest I'm pretty tired right now and browsing reddit to take a break from a dickload homework. Haha my bad man.
notgayinathreeway: Don't worry, 30 other people obviously missed it too, hah.
| 14 | 87.571429 | |
1384047921 | 1384394650 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | LastResortXL: TIFU by taking my cousin's dog for a ride.
I will preface this story with the fact that I am still in the process of fucking up as I write this. So my cousin and I are in the process of moving him out of his apartment. We just decided to take a break and take his dog for a ride with us into Newark. She has extreme separation anxiety and has a habit of destroying shit when he leaves, so we thought this would be a nice change of scenery for her. We sat down in the car and he handed me the key from letting him drive earlier. As he got into the car, he checked for his house key and cigarettes. He had neither. He went back up to the house only to realize that the front door was locked. Fuck. He tries to climb the back fence to his yard to see if he can get in through the back door to no avail. In the meantime, I get out of the car and close the door behind me to see if I can get the front door with the old credit card trick. No luck there either. With this I remember that I have a set of lock picks at my house which we can use to get in. We go to get into the car and... double fuck. The doors are all locked, and the keys are sitting on the front seat next to the pup... I have now spent about 30 minutes on the phone with the roadside assistance automated phone tree to finally have someone sent out to unlock the doors for us in about an hour. The pup looks sad but is being fairly well behaved, and we are standing out in the driveway waiting like the idiots we are. Reddit, tonight we fucked up.
* Please excuse the poor formatting. I am typing all this from a cell phone.
Icanberoberta: Did roadside show up eventually?
LastResortXL: indeed they did. About an hour later than their ETA. The guy was a total dick too.
Icanberoberta: What asshats! That poor puppy! You should make a complaint. Give that sweet pup a hug from a random stranger on the internet. And a cookie from you.
LastResortXL: She got plenty of cookies from us that night, and still went for a ride. The pop-a-lock guy was pissed that the dog was in there and nobody told him about it, even though we repeatedly told his dispatch there was a dog locked in the car. He handed me a paper to sign and told me that I didn't have to read it. After I told him that I read everything before signing, he said "Well do you want me to get into the car or not?" I am going to file a complaint with the company as soon as I find the invoice with his name on it.
| 5 | 5.8 | |
1384188720 | 1384232052 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | [deleted]: TIFU by lighting my ass on fire.
You know the nursery rhyme "Jack is nimble, Jack is quick, Jack jumped over the candlestick."?
Well, I may be nimble, I may be quick, but my name's not Jack, and this wasn't a candlestick.
It was a campfire.
Don't be Jack. Or else your favorite pair of pants might get ruined and your ass might get singed.
gabeln: Here's your theme song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=18wHoMOBPh4
Slow_to_Speak: There's a song for pretty much everything, isn't there?
| 3 | 11.666667 | |
1384214269 | 1384237062 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | tifuthroway: TIFU By taking nude pics and letting dropbox save them to all my devices and then my friends saw them...
So I was wondering how everything looked down there, so I took a pic of my dick to see, I quickly deleted it after but failed to realize that dropbox stores pictures taken on your automatically to all devices including my laptop. Today me and my friend were looking at old pictures on finder and then a dick pic showed up... My friend proceeded to laugh his ass off and now he thinks I'm gay...
arcainic: No, you don't understand, this is my penis, *unzip*. Here take a look, it's the same!
fmorisan: > `sigh.. unzip`
| 3 | 10.333333 | |
1384232156 | 1384380776 | null | t5_2to41 | 45 | [deleted]: TIFU by mistaking my dogs ashes for food
Today, I was setting the table for dinner (mmm, roastbeef!) which requires clearing the table off first. I was brushing aside some papers and other crap when my hand hit this white box. It was quite heavy, not what I was expecting from a flimsy box like that. I didn't think much of it and I brushed it aside. But as I did this, I caught glimpse of what was inside. Within was a plastic bag with some tan stuff with varying texture tied up in it. My hungry teenage brain thought it was bread, so I decided the best course of action would be to pull it out.
I was disappointed to find that it wasn't, in fact, bread, but still curious as to what it was. It was heavy, and looked like sawdust. Why did we have a bag of sawdust on the table? I looked back down at the box, and noticed the word "midnight" scrawled on the lid in black sharpie. Midnight the name of my dog that got put down recently. We got her cremated because the ground is pretty much frozen, and we didn't have room in our freezer downstairs. She was one fat dog, a Rottweiler/Lab mix.
I suddenly felt really weird holding her ashes. I mean, I'd had this dog as long as I could remember, and here I was holding her remains. I quickly stuffed the bag in the box, but in doing so I accidentally ripped the crappy plastic they wrapped her in. Seriously, this shit was a step above Saran Wrap. My first instinct was dread, but the box caught the ashes. Crisis averted.
So afterwards I was waiting for my mom to get home and my stepdad was in the basement, so I was just dicking around on the computer in the meantime. My cat, Clementine, dissatisfied with the amount of attention she was getting, decided to shove stuff off the table and look at me, to get my attention. I thought this was mildly amusing, so I let her. First, it was my pencil. Then it was a food wrapper. Then, it was the box.
*Shit.*
I watched as the box tumbled through the air, rotating to its side before hitting the floor with a thud, ashes spilling up to a foot from the boxes opening. I picked it up in a hurry, but there was still ashes on the floor, and my cat was trying to get my attention by walking in front of my hand, and subsequently, through the ashes. I quickly put the box back on the table and considered my options.
I could touch the ashes with my hands, and put them back in that way., or I could go with the less weird feeling but morally painting option, and sweep them up and throw them away. Since not that much spilled, I decided to go the sweeping route. 4/5 dog remains was better than touching said remains with my hands. So off I went to get the broom, and when I came back, my other cat, fluffy had decided to take a nice rest in the ashes.
Fluffy, is accurately named in that, he is indeed fluffy, with long soft hair that often catches leaves and twigs. Guess what was caught in fluffy's hair now? Ashes. And then he got pissed off an bit me when I tried to clean him. Awesome.
[deleted]: this is why i dont have cats..their furry assholes
thingsthatarelost: their or they're? because those are two very different things.
[deleted]: ive found a grammar nazi..you know what i mean anyways.
thingsthatarelost: i was just making a joke. i didn't help to perpetrate one of the worst genocides in human history.
[deleted]: Carry on then
NJTalkinghead: To be fair here: In this context one could assume that you meant they are furry assholes, but one could also assume that you meant you hate cats because *of* their furry assholes - as in them having furry assholes are why you hate them rather then them being furry assholes.
^*just* ^*say'in,* ^*sometimes* ^*grammar* ^*can* ^*change* ^*everything*
[deleted]: Ur a nazi about grammar arebt you
NJTalkinghead: Not usually. Just wanted to point out how funny that could be if taken literally.
| 9 | 5 | |
1384245506 | 1384495937 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | UnicornStorm: TIFU by using shampoo as lube
The day started like any other day, I got up, went to school, did boring shit and came home. I did homework and played games, but I hadn't watched any porn for a about a week (I'm 15 so I'm at the peak of puberty), basically meaning, jacking off 3 times a week.
At about 9 I went into the shower, and came up with this brilliant idea to use the shampoo as lube. This was the first time I had done it, so I didn't really know what to do. I ended putting the shampoo on the head of my dick, and closing my foreskin around it, (uncircumcised), and began doing the dirty deed.
After it was finished, I got out of the shower, dried myself and about an hour later I went to take a piss.
When I took aim, my dick hurt, curious about it, I inspected my penis, looking for any signs. There were none, so I proceeded to urinate. But nothing came out, and that's when I realised that the shampoo I had used had in fact, went into my dick hole, therefore clogging it so that nothing but a few bubbles could come out.
My dick was clogged for two days. To this day, I have never used shampoo as lube EVER again.
noodledoodlesoup: Peeing bubbles... wow... if it didn't hurt it would be awesome as fuck!
thebagleboy: Pissing bubbles is one thing, but imagine the alternative.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1384239560 | 1384280651 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | AnOriginailName: TIFU by drinking, smoking, and eating undercooked food on a camping trip
So I’m relatively new to Reddit but here's a shameful story that, although ended somewhat triumphantly, was a personal defeat. This story is long and happened awhile back but I think a good one. I went camping with some friends and we just got back from drunken canoeing so we were extremely hungry. We started the fire and cooked burgers and hot dogs. While waiting for the food to cook we drank and smoked. After the festivities, we ate to our drunken hearts content. Unfortunately, the pre game upset my stomach and for some reason caused me to only have partial control over my bladder. I don't know if the beer, or beer mixed with smoking caused this reaction but I couldn't hold in the undercooked food. So minutes later I can sense the explosive embarrassment wanting to project everywhere. I calmly collected my sporadic thoughts and told everyone "be right back, going the bathroom." Luckily I got out of the shelter/cabin without anyone noticing the shit that was about to come out my ass. At this point my inner anguish is nervously creeping toward the surface and I become the worlds speed walking champion with ass cheeks clenched tight enough to hold a needle as I dash toward the bathroom. It was nighttime so my inner ninja kept telling me "you did it /r/AnOriginailName!!!!,no can see you walking idiotically....we're going to make it!!!!" But...I failed and shit myself. The plopping noises of poop bubbles continued with every shameful step to the bathroom, which thankfully was empty. So there I sat, a defeated and ashamed 22 year old that just shit his pants. As every minute passed, the smell of burgers, hot sauce, hotdogs, beer, and bad times heighten my self-embarrassment. I kept telling myself that if I walked back to the campground it would be obvious by the smell and sight that I had shit myself. So I crafted a plan to prevent myself from being the humor for the next couple of years. Frantically I began to wipe my trunks furiously with toilet paper removing the brown matter from my clothing. However, my actions were futile and caused a now smeared and worse mess. I was at rock bottom...and my dignity was near gone BUTT (hehe) then I remembered! Earlier in the morning I had used someone’s shampoo they had left behind when I took a shower in the campground showers. This was my ace in the whole! So I wiped my ass and slowly crept around the corner in Pink Panther fashion avoiding any human contact. I open the shower door and…the shampoo is gone. FUCK! So I open the next shower…nothing...I was getting hopeless and then YES!...the next shower over had a bar of soap. Now normally I don't ever…EVER, use some strangers random bar of soap…especially at a campground with hundreds of people but I had no choice (I’m just weird and feel grossed out that someone had possibly rubbed their sweaty balls with that soap but I guess I was about to do worse). I got on my knees and scrubbed until there were no more brown stains on my trunks. I washed my butt cheeks to their natural color and triumphantly stood proud knowing I avoided complete embarrassment. Drunken head held high, I walked out of that shower feeling like a man but what goes up must come down. While still in a drunken stupor I aimlessly walked back to my campsite and stepped on a thorn bush with all my weight (I was barefoot during this entire fiasco). At the time I was so drunk that a thorn going straight into my toe felt like a little prick but the next day proved me wrong. The thorn had gone in deeper than I realized and caused me to develop a slight pimp lean to avoid any pressure on my left toe (the toe closest to the big toe). So although I avoided embarrassment I still didn't win because walking for the next couple of weeks sucked. Any pressure on that toe felt like the thorn was being re-inserted into the same spot but hey…no one knows I shit myself expect yall. Thanks for reading.
TL;DR Drunken canoeing, smoking, and eating undercooked food made me a walking diarrhea dispenser and although public embarrassment was avoided, a painful pimp lean was developed.
thisisntben: Why didn't you think to use the showers even if there was no soap/shampoo? You could still wash yourself and the trunks sufficiently.
AnOriginailName: Yeah thats true...I just wanted the satisfaction that I was cleaning my trunks instead of rinsing them off.
thisisntben: Desperate times mate, you can't be picky!
AnOriginailName: haha yeah I know...but I'm just weird sometimes...especially when drunk.
| 5 | 4.6 | |
1384278739 | 1384322322 | null | t5_2to41 | 125 | senseiaj: TIFU by getting piss everywhere because of a spider
I'll start of the story with why I was in such a jumpy mood. At about 6:30 this morning I started having this weird dream where my backyard was covered in spiderwebs and I started picking at the strings of one to get it to fall so that I could get across the yard and back into the house.
I think I was at the point where I was half-dreaming and half-awake and I swear to God I felt this big-ass spider land straight on my face in the dream and in real life at the same time. I instantly woke up and freaked out and jumped out of bed, and the "spider" flew off of me and onto the bed. I must have hallucinated because I swear I could actually see the spider there on the bed for a few seconds and then it vanished. The feel of it on my face and seeing it felt so real that I'm still not %100 sure that it didn't actually happen
After that living nightmare I decided I could no longer go back to sleep and went downstairs to take a shower. I started the shower up and took a piss in the toilet, then as I look over the the basket of towels by the shower there's this big ass brown spider right on one of the towels. Deciding to be brave I lift the towel up and dangle it over the toilet and try to shake the spider off.
This spider definitely lifts and would not come off of the towel so I shook really hard and lost grip of the towel and of course it landed straight in the piss-water in the toilet. My immediate reaction was to grab the dry end of the towel and lift it out, and then of course the spider started running up the tower towards me to I let go of the tower and got piss everywhere.
I then ran out of the bathroom ass-naked (luckily no-one was downstairs yet) grabbed a cup and trapped the bugger. To my credit I am not usually terrified of spiders but I do live in an area with brown recluses and this one looked too big to be a garden spider to me, although it most likely was not a brown recluse either. Most embarrassing part is that I am a full-grown twenty year old man.
tl;dr: Saw spider on towel, made piss-molotov cocktail with towel.
yuhutuh: I can just imagine the spider on your crotch holding and aiming your penis so it can spray everywhere. OP then stands there accepting his fate with a face of pleasure.
senseiaj: First time I've ever been called OP ^^^feels ^^^so ^^^warm ^^^and ^^^fuzzy
Reads_Small_Text_Bot: > feels so warm and fuzzy
Makes_Small_Text_Bot: ^(feels so warm and fuzzy)
| 5 | 25 | |
1384279843 | 1384313973 | null | t5_2to41 | 405 | Wheyffles: TIFU by basically telling the world I almost bent my boner during sex
Okay so posting this doesn't make it any fucking better since I'm in essence telling EVEN MORE people. But at least Reddit doesn't broadcast my few posts to my immediate family and people I wish wouldn't know anything about my life.
**Context**: I had a one night stand with an old acquaintance because hey, she wanted the D and I wanted to give it to her. Simple stuff.
**How I fucked up**: During sex we were getting a bit rough towards the end and somehow I get my boner an arc-second too high up and heard and felt a "pop" in my shaft. Both of us had a minor case of the giggles but none the less we continued, however it turns out that I was unable to cum before both of us were ready to give up out out of pure exhaustion and satisfaction on her part.
Now I am also part of a facebook group with some gaming friends of mine because hey why the fuck not. We post silly shit to each other all the time there and basically I proceed to assume no one else has access to it. Turns out I was wrong because I am as dumb as a sack of bricks.
Not only did I post a short summary of my escapades, dick bending included, but I was not aware of it until exactly five minutes ago (so about five hours after posting it) when my dad gave the stereotypical "You know you should watch what you post to facebook" as I made a quick jaunt to the fridge for some juice. Sadly, he was correct.
UPDATE: Yuuuupp, EVERYONE who was online in the timespan the post was up during saw it basically. Fuck my life.
LaughingVeggies: Dude, you can't just leave it at that. Who saw it? What did they say, if they said anything. Is your dick okay?
Wheyffles: Dick was sore in the morning nothing, nothing worse hopefully. I have no idea who saw it other than my dad.
Best case scenario, it was just the dudes I was talking to and my father.
Worst case scenario, the dudes I was talking to and just about everyone I know including another separate chick I just happened to secure a date with who will now reject me.
Souluna: lol dont be a retard and post shit to facebook.. Sounds simple no?
ASEKMusik: dae le no facebook masterrace
Souluna: do i look french to you motherfucker?!
foodstampsz: Most American response possible
ETERNAL_EDAMNATION: I don't understand the downobamas on that one
| 8 | 50.625 | |
1384232053 | 1384290538 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | throwaway_475: TIFU by pricing myself out of my gym
Was at the gym talking to the manager. Mentioned that the gym down the street wasn't any nicer but charged more. The manager seemed very interested in how she could charge more for membership without making any improvements. Might not be able to afford to continue at this gym very much longer.
I_ATE_TODAY: You don't get free membership at a gym you work at?
I_ATE_TODAY: Oh... THE manager and not YOUR... My bad
throwaway_475: Yeah, I'm just a plebian. Manager was solving some problem at the front desk when I went in to work out.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1384294703 | 1384479416 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by out running a cop
I had just gotten off school and was making my way home. I was thinking about a girl I have feelings for, but sadly she is dating another guy. Well in doing all this "hard" thinking I hadn't given thought to the fact I should apply my brakes because I was on a downward slope. I see a cop heading in the opposite direction and my first thought is "Oh shit I haven't been paying attention to my speed". I look down and my heart sinks. I was going 50mph in a 30mph zone. The cop passes me and I look in my rear view mirror and to my horror so that he is applying his brakes. I get to an intersection and turn into a parking lot just before it and then turn onto a side street. The whole time im doing this im thinking "What are you doing stop!", "You need to stop!".
I hadn't seen the cop the whole time I was doing this and I stop in a store parking lot to think about what I did. My heart was racing incredibly fast and my face was pitch red. I sat there for a good 15 minutes. Once I calmed down enough I drove home feeling sick to my stomach.
I feel terrible about what I have done and really wish I hadn't so that is why i'm making this post. I feel stupid for doing it, and should have been punished for the speed that I was going even if I wasn't intentionally speeding. As for "outrunning" the cops I feel that I was doing it in a safe manner as I was going the speed limit the whole time. I also used my blinkers. I still feel terrible about it though.
Deidara77: Oh man that was close. I have a similar story. I was leaving my house, and listening to music full volume and speeding like hell. I fly by a police car, and he turns around and begins pursuing me. I speed up hoping to lose him in the traffic. I fly through several intersections and run over a few people. Soon helicopters circle the sky and begin opening fire. I think I was playing gta v though.
Superdankmaster: Well played.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1384301059 | 1384364610 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | effse7en: TIFU by forgetting to check a plug and not paying attention to my trash can
So today was my IRL cakeday (yaaay...), and I was going to go to Starbucks before work for my free drink, but I woke up too late to get there before work. Fuck up #1
I showed up for work, and I had a car on my rack that I left there last night (I'm a mechanic). I lowered it down and was checking the brakes and tires to see if I could sell anything on it, and when I went to lower my lift all the way down to check the interior, nothing happened. No response from the controls at all. I couldn't raise it, lower it, or drop it onto the locks. I sent in a help desk ticket, told my manager and team leader, and just kind of stood around since we had and extra open lift, but literally no other tickets to work on. Well, about three hours later, when I was finally working on something else, my manager comes by, looks at my lift controls (which are under a desk/work area thing), and he just goes "hey, who unplugged your lift". Internal facepalming ensued, he plugged the rack controls back in, and it worked, of course. Fuck up #2.
So, as I'm pulling up to my house, the trash can is behind my Miata, in the spot where I park my xD (today was trash day). I got out, set it aside, and parked. As I'm walking up to the house, I grab the trash can and begin to drag it behind me, halfway in the grass/dirt mixture that passes for our front yard, and halfway on the driveway. As I'm dragging it behind me, it hits a bit of grass or dirt or something and swerves to my left, straight into the tail light on my girlfriend's civic, which is already overdue for state inspection by two months (intact tail lights are an inspection item in Texas). The tail light shatters, and I throw the pieces in the conveniently placed trash can. I apologize profusely and just had to spend 50 bucks on a new OEM tail light from ebay. Fuck up #3.
huh, maybe this should have been posted to /r/FML, if there is such a thing. Here's hoping I don't manage to fuck up any more at dinner with my parents.
alexmunse: What part of Texas are you in? I agree with /u/irsuperhero. You need a beer and I'd buy you one for your birthday, if you don't live more than an hour away from me.
effse7en: Dallas.
I'll raise my Shiner to you, good sir
alexmunse: Ah. I'm in College Station. Well, I hope your day gets better! Look me up if you're ever in the area, I'll just OWE you that beer!
| 4 | 8.5 | |
1384303423 | 1384367477 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting high for the class I have with my crush[unintentional][sortof]
Today I decided to get stoned at lunch with a few buddies of mine, which is something I RARELY do but when we do we smoke a lot; needless to say, I was very high. After lunch I have math class with this girl I am REALLY interested in. I thought I could just not talk to her that particular class as I felt far too high to have a regular conversation. I thought it would be easy to avoid her until my teacher decided to put us in a group together for an in class assignment... it sucked. I could barely speak to her because I had just smoked a substantial amount of weed. It was particularly bad when she asked me what mark I was getting in art and I literally said "wait what? I haven't gotten anything yet"(My friend informed me of this mistake after class). I can usually control my high but today was different; I was too stoned...fuck...
weedconnoiseur: I remember in H/S when i would smoke way too much and try to have a conversation it is HORRIBLE! After you have a T break you get to a level of stoned that only comes from when you started smoking originally. It's easy to sit there and say "oh i smoke so much everyday and i dont get high" you waste money and precious good chronic just so you can say you smoke a shitload and tell everyone good job dude you've won the internet (/u/Mattv323 ) but my suggestion is to quietly say something to the effect that your feeling out of it or you "prepared for class a little too much" haha thats my favorite try this one in /r/trees you might get a better response haha and if you havent tried bho dabbing yet you might want to look it up and open your world! almost pure THC there
TL;DR i used to get so baked i couldnt speak in high school and he should repost to /r/tree for love
tokewithnick: love your username hahaha
weedconnoiseur: haha thanks XD
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1384315124 | 1384375960 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,554 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally posting one of my gonewild pictures as my facebook profile picture
So I was trying to change my profile picture and to the one I wanted, and I had to move the file to a separate folder. I was stupid though, and I didn't look at it before clicking the picture. It was IMMEDIATELY set as my profile picture and there I am turned around with a nice pussy shot for all of my friends and family to see. It took a moment to process what I had done and I scattered to delete the picture. BUT IT WAS STILL ON MY WALL. oh my god oh my god oh my god. Too late, my cousins friend commented on it, "what the fuck". One person had already seen it. God damn it. Luckily I was able to delete it in about 10 seconds, so it only appeared on peoples news feeds for that long. The only two people I know of that saw it were my cousin and his friend, but it's not like I have to worry about them blackmailing me. Still, it's an awkward moment when your cousin sees you in a doggy style position. The first guy to comment on the picture messaged me with, "so I'm assuming we're best friends now."
TLDR: It's not that long, just fucking read it.
HellionessDW: A coworker of mine once posted a few up close crotch shots to Facebook. When I saw them they had been up for at least an hour or two. I tried to tell her but she had apparently gone to bed and I couldn't reach her. so she didn't realize and delete them until the next morning. They were up for about, 9 hours.
overexposedrebel: oh god, I cringed for her.
HellionessDW: I felt horrible for her since there was nothing I could do. I'm pretty sure everyone on her Facebook saw it. Including all our coworkers...
[deleted]: Could have reported for nudity. I know it's not something you think about but it would have been taken down way faster.
HellionessDW: I did report them to Facebook from what she told me the next day they were still up in the morning so she deleted them. I will say it wasn't the first thing I did though as I didn't know if it would end up banning her.
[deleted]: Hmm, that's odd Facebook is usually extremely strict on nudity of any kind.
Good on you for trying though.
HellionessDW: I thought it might have been because of how late it was.
Dear_Occupant: I don't think Facebook has people actually checking those reports. There is probably a critical number of reports needed in order to trigger an automated takedown of the picture. It would be prohibitively expensive to have live people checking that stuff. Facebook is huge.
A_Bumpkin: It may have changed but there was an article on the people at facebook whose job it was to remove porn/nude images. Facebook has an algorithm that they use to check and flag photos for nudity and then the workers go through and approve or deny it. Im sure reporting will get pictures bumped up higher in priority but there is still a human element.
| 10 | 255.4 | |
1384313997 | 1384317010 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally screwing my sister while my girlfriend screwed my sister's boyfriend
Me, my girlfriend, my sister and her boyfriend all planned a small camping trip together over the weekend (this actually happened on Saturday so just pretend I posted this then). We got a tent setup in a nearby forest and we had just finished roasting marshmallows over a campfire. It was quite late and we were ready to go to bed. We set up the tent but then we realised that we forgot the second tent. Oops. The only option was for us to all cram into the single tent. It was quite uncomfortable. About 3 hours after we fell asleep, I woke up. In front of me, I saw the back of a head. I thought it was my girlfriend, but boy was I wrong. My girlfriend and my sister both have blonde long hair and I automatically assumed it was my girlfriend. I moved in close and wrapped my hand around her, grabbing her breast. I was wearing nothing but briefs and as I got closer, I began to get an erection. I cuddled right up against her and spooned her. She was awake and she immediately got turned on (we were still unaware of what was going on). She stroked her hand up and down my leg. I began thrusting and I did not stop. My eyes were closed (and I assume hers were too) so during this whole thing, I still did not realize she was my sister. I came. It was at this moment when she rolled over to look me in the eye. We stared in to each others eyes in terror. I thought she was my girlfriend and she thought I was her boyfriend. We were very, very wrong. That's about when we realised that my girlfriend and my sister's boyfriend were no longer in the tent. We quickly got out of the tent to look for them. We didn't bother getting dressed because we were in the middle of nowhere. Nobody else but us was here, so we were out in the forest at 1:00 in the morning, and we found them. Yes, you guessed it, they were having sex. They were completely nude in a small clearing. Me and my sister pried them apart and things started to get physical. I tried to beat up my sister's boyfriend but my sister held me back. I broke up with my girlfriend on the spot. My sister did the same with her boyfriend. Me and my sister gathered up our stuff and got the hell out of there. We haven't spoken to out exes since.
dicemanshock: /r/thatHappened
dicemanshock: Can confirm, was tent
| 3 | 11.333333 | |
1384317245 | 1384387494 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | wangfaye: TIFU by fooling around with a guy.
Well, Sunday night was the actual fuck-up. Met a guy, drove out in his car, fooled around a little- no sex, but handjobs, fingering and making out.
On Monday I first experienced symptoms of a urinary tract infection. Yesterday they were manageable. Today I feel terrible, got the antibiotics, and keep wondering if I'm *really* feeling and sweaty or if that's just my brain being annoying. And I need to run in the relay in half an hour for my classmates and I don't want to let them down but I'm not sure if I can go out onto the oval for over an hour without needing to pee or feel sick!
thingsthatarelost: make sure you drink a lot of fluids, you don't want that uti to move up into your bladder. that's absolute hell.
wangfaye: Ugh, that sounds horrid. Thanks, I'll drink a bottle of two of water today.
| 3 | 5 | |
1384321996 | 1384656241 | null | t5_2to41 | 104 | [deleted]: TIFU by wearing nylon. [NSFW]
A little background info: Guy here. Since I started jerking it a young age, about 8, I have had some trouble climaxing without covering the head. To aid this, I usually wrap my shorts around my dick and go from there.
I decided to wear nylon today, and it brushed up against the head. This caused a lot of chafing, which made my outer urethra bleed. I ignored the pain in favor of pleasure, and kept going until I thought "Oh my, cum!".
Nope.
I looked down, and saw a puddle of ~~jizz~~ blood on the bed. The pain came back. There's also a *tiny* blister. I wrapped it in a paper towel and tried to tough it out until my **post-fap piss** (wow such drama), which ended up burning. As in, ow fuck what happened to me. No way \*anyone* except for just about anyone with internet access is going to hear about this, so I tell no one.
Tl;Dr: Unicorn jizz fest becomes Dinosaur bloodfest thanks to nylon knight slaying the dick dragon.
whelp_welp: >Since I started jerking it a young age, about 8
Wait, you could actually cum at age 8?
MonetaryFlame: I could jerk at 8.
But i orgasmed without cum.
Different times.
Fershick: Can confirm
MelanisticPolarBear: Can also confirm.
afuckingdoorknocker: It's the golden era
| 6 | 17.333333 | |
1384317771 | 1384335086 | null | t5_2to41 | 56 | milkymoocowmoo: TIFU by trying to manscape [NSFMales]
So a few years ago I shaved my wedding tackle bare using a regular old face razor. Loved the result, did not love the itching that followed, never did it again despite wanting to. Well yesterday I decided it was finally time, but perhaps just a trim instead of going bare. So instead of doing it as before I went and bought a proper bodygrooming device, this particular model having trimmers at one end and a shaving foil at the other. [Picture](http://stuffmideast.com/wp-content/uploads/Philips-BodyGroom-Pro.jpg). At either side on the shaving foil end it also has some of the little blades like on a trimmer, which you can see on the picture. These would be my downfall.
So this morning I'm using the trimmer and all is going well; trim a bit, turn it off, clean hair, turn back on and repeat. Then I got to the bit inbetween the base of the shaft and my right leg, which was proving difficult to cut. Difficult as in it was like the trimmer wasn't even turned on, but it was because I could hear it! Then I felt a horrible, *horrible* pain at the base of the head, like someone very quickly running a serrated blade across my dick. I yelped and dropped the shaver to the shower floor. My dick now had a small cut that was bleeding, and holy fuck did it sting. My educated guess is that the trimmer wasn't cutting because I had pushed the power button for the shaving end by mistake, and one of those little (now operational) blade parts on the side of the shaving foil had contacted my skin sideways. They're not supposed to contact the skin sideways.
Obviously I was in no state to put that whirling death machine anywhere near my junk again, and I don't know when I'll have the ~~balls~~ courage to finish the job. I spent the next hour with a bandage and some frozen peas on my dick.
**TL;DR- Bought a shaver to manscape, betrayed part way thru; dick flora is now half Amazonian rainforest, half botanical garden**
Dizmn: I manscape with a DE. Whatchu bothering with some crazy gadget like that for anyways?
milkymoocowmoo: I've contemplated the DE route before and even lurked a relevant sub for a while (forget the name), but I've cut myself before with a regular razor and now this TIFU...perhaps it is not for me :\
Dizmn: /r/wicked_edge is the sub you're looking for. ;)
| 4 | 14 | |
1384349516 | 1384427837 | null | t5_2to41 | 0 | [deleted]: TIFU by catching greyhound
Thanks
zalloy: If it wasn't for terrorists planting bombs and people smuggling drugs, you wouldn't have to go through that kind of crap when travelling. Thanks to the stupid people doing stupid things, we all have to deal with the consequences. You'd probably be better off driving your own car, or getting a rental, depending on how far you need to go.
Your "fun bag" would have been on display at the airport too. They X-ray everything these days, and if anything looks weird, they'll open up the bag and physically examine it.
If you only needed to go somewhere roughly 2 hours away, why'd you bother with Greyhound instead of driving? Greyhound's OK if you have to go like 8-10 hours drive time. Anything further than that, and you'd do better to fly. Or take a train, if time isn't pressing on you.
StingAuer: ...wut
Thedarb: What wut? Made perfect sense to me.
| 4 | 0 | |
1384372608 | 1384532982 | null | t5_2to41 | 521 | domenow: TIFU by having 18 orgasms
...thereby missing a class that the professor told me I really can't afford to miss any more days of. And, just to clarify: that would be 17 full blown orgasms, and 2 half orgasms.
It was 12:20, and I had to be out of the house by 1. I was right about to shower when I suddenly got in the mood. I swear, I don't plan these things.
I quickly mapped it out in my mind: Get in shower with vibrator and phone (for pornographic purposes), don't turn the water on so your phone doesn't get ruined, get just one orgasm, and leave the shower at exactly 12:40. You'll have just enough time to make it to class.
Usually, I knock out about 2-3 and that alone takes me 45 minutes, but today was completely different. The first one came rolling in at around 10 minutes in, the 2nd took me a mere 5. (Remember, I had my phone with me, and I was basically staring at the time to avoid losing track of it). I thought "There's no way I'll make it to a 3rd, but I have 5 more minutes. I'll just enjoy the time I have left". I had completely forgotten to factor in time to actually shower. The third one came....at 12:41. "There, you might be a minute late, but you made good time", I thought. "Let's just wait until the amazing post-orgasm feeling goes away. Yeah, sure, keep it on while this happens. Why not?"
I can safely say that this is the point where all logic left me. No longer was I stringing together coherent sentences in my mind. It then became...a race against time. "I came so quickly the last 3 times, maybe I can put on the first item of clothing I see and still be on time". 4th orgasm. 5th orgasm. 6th orgasm. I was coming every 2-5 minutes. This never happens, and I told myself it would be a sin to stop now. "6? You want to stop after 6? Why not hit the lucky number 7? That'll be the last one, promise". 7th orgasm. "You never really did like odd numbers. See if you can go for 8. 8th orgasm. 9th orgasm. "Okay, so you'll be fifteen minutes late to class. You'll make it, don't worry, Don't you want to make it to the double digits?" 10th orgasm. 11th orgasm. (I forgot where I had the two half orgasms, somewhere in between 10-17 I think).
When did I realize class wasn't happening? I'd say at some point between the 11th and 13th orgasm. I'm inclined to say 13th, because that's when the intense self-loathing started. "So this is what you do all day, huh? Touch yourself?"
Indeed, it was precisely when I came to the realization that I wasn't going to make it to class that it went from enjoyable to pitiful. It became, "There! Take that! Have another orgasm, you fucking better to make up for the fact that you missed yet another class. Isn't this what you wanted all along? Just another orgasm?"
Immediately following the 15th, it started to feel like razor blades were attacking my clitoris. I thought of a couple jokes to tell my friends. "My clit looks like it grew another clit, that's how swollen it is". But it was too late to stop then - I had to do it to "make up for" the fact that I had missed a very important class. I kept going, because I felt I deserved the pain. Deserved what was coming to me. Unfortunately, they were coming much slower this time around, and didn't last nearly as long. Every few second orgasm was a blissful escape from the hell I had created for myself. After the 18th, I decided to make a TIFU post about this. I waited another 15 minutes to make sure I wasn't going to get another one, got up to actually shower, and typed this all out in my robe.
YaileyBates: As a guy I am jealous as I can only monk it once
[deleted]: Don't be! You have one, you get on with your life. I always have the "Just another one...." thought creeping up that prevents me from doing more productive things.
Thedarb: You should probably check out /r/nofap. You might be addicted to porn/masturbation. Especially if it's fucking up prior commitments.
[deleted]: I've been really into it this past week (usually, it varies between being a once a week ordeal into a 2-3 times a week thing), so I wouldn't worry too much. I set some ground rules for myself after it about never doing it when I have to leave the house soon afterwards.
RodzillaPT: How's your libido?
ilikeeatingbrains: She's 18.
[deleted]: I'm so confused....I'm not 18, where are you getting this information?
ilikeeatingbrains: (at)
[deleted]: Haha, whoops, only took me a full day to get the joke. ><
| 10 | 52.1 | |
1384390124 | 1384398120 | t3_1qk6fq | t5_2to41 | 436 | Ghost17088: I'd make him fucking walk. Don't care if its 10 below out. You fucked up, it is your job to fix it, not your parents.
LiquidApple: Remind me to never be your child.
creepersneedkarma2: haha it gets 10 below where I live and my parents still make us walk.
edit wait a sec are we talking about Celsius or Fahrenheit?
Ghost17088: The stupid arbitrary one.
TriMageRyan: So fahrenheit? I really don't know ^forgive ^me, ^I'm ^American
Reads_Small_Text_Bot: > forgive me, I'm American
Makes_Small_Text_Bot: ^(forgive me, I'm American)
Eats_Small_Text_Bot: ^*nom*
Mr_Evil_MSc: Too. Many. Bots.
WhichWayToAtlantis: ^^^^waitingforthenom
Reads_Small_Text_Bot: > waitingforthenom
Makes_Small_Text_Bot: ^(waitingforthenom)
Eats_Small_Text_Bot: ^*nom*
| 13 | 33.538462 | |
1384375931 | 1384396306 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | missingeyes: TIFU by taking an ambien in the middle of the day.
Fuck. I thought I was feeling a bit sluggish as the pill started settling in. There's no way I can drive with the walls of the world closing in on my field of vision. Suddenly it dawned on me. I took a sleep aid right after waking up and heading out to work.
A little background. I recently went out to las Vegas to meet up with my long distance pen pal turned crush turned lover. We met up and instantly fell in love for real. Only to have her turn crazy and run back to small town Midwest after one weekend to return to her manipulative, closet homosexual, abusive x-fiance.
Heartache and tears are the only thing I've seen for the last three days since she left. I haven't had the energy to straighten my apt., and return my things back to normal. I take daytime concentration pills and night time relaxation pills to cope with anxiety of being an American and feeling white man's guilt. My pills were scattered about and this morning with a slight headache I popped my morning dose. It took so much heart broken effort just to get out of bed.
It was as I was driving that I realized what I had done. I saw my morning concentration pills sitting in the passengers seat of my car. I remembered clearly taking pills this morning. The bottles are the same. I definitely took 10mg of ambien. Undeniable sleep started to settle in.
Fuck fuck fuck. I can't drive home. I quickly cancelled work for the day and parked my car safely (thank you black jeebus). Anyone who has taken ambien knows its a profound drug and is dangerous if not sleeping. I'm lying here in my bed. Still feeling heartbroken but glad that I don't have to deal with a tremendous accident. The only thing here is this Reddit post and the quiet reverberation of the warm California sunshine pouring through my salmon colored shades and onto my Egyptian cotton sheets. The middle of the mattress is calling my name. Thought and memory slipping away.
TL;DR: I fucked up after a trip to Vegas and took prescription sleep aids in the morning on my way to work.
Nikki4321: And you will have no memory of making this post. Sorry you got your heart broken. Hope you enjoyed your nap
nixxon: > And you will have no memory of making this post.
Haha - that is the truth. It makes me smile to think of his "oh no - what have I done" reaction when he sees the new message icon.
But yeah, sorry about the girl. Hopefully you had a bit of fun over the weekend, and rest easy knowing you dodged this particular bullet. You deserve a day of blissful Ambien sleep after all that, so be thankful you stayed safe and don't beat yourself up over this!
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1384380103 | 1384422388 | null | t5_2to41 | 78 | leedade: TIFU by using too much oil on the sausage
Sorry for misleading raunchy title, wanted to cook sausages this morning, put too much oil in the pan because i had just woken up, thought it would be fine anyway and turned that stove up. Not 5 minutes into the frying my pan bursts into flames almost burning my eyebrows off, like a ninja i turn the heat off. But then i panic and have a brain fart and don't know what to do next. So i grab the still flaming pan and throw the contents into the kitchen sink, the oil DOES NOT GO OUT, i try to run the tap and burn my hand (i now have one half hairless arm, no real burn though) fire finally goes out and housemates are shouting at me for being an idiot even though i have no idea why the pan caught fire in the first place.
-i probably should have used a wet towel to put the fire out and am probably lucky it didn't get much worse when i put water on it
-did save the sausages btw, they were flambeed to perfection
theotherbeatle: Maaaan that sucks! If it ever happens again, just put a lid on the pan to smother the fire.
leedade: dont have one big enough, also would probably forget that in the heat of things
that_guy_u_met_once: Use flour to put out a grease fire
leedade: Malicious advice sir, flour is very flammable due to its large surface area to volume ratio
the_D_within: If he is serious, I doubt he will have a fulfilled, long life.
| 6 | 13 | |
1384381190 | 1384552712 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | ChillingInTraffic: TIFU by sitting outside of class.
So, today my usual class schedule was changed up a bit. I got out of my class early, so I decided to go to the library like I usually do, but this time I was there about 20 minutes earlier than usual and there weren't any computers open, so I decided I'd head to my next class and sit outside the room until class started.
I get to the room, and it's 10:15, class starts at 11:15. So, I get out my phone and get on Reddit, while other students show up and wait outside as well.
Time goes by and it's now 11:00, 15 minutes before class starts. One girl enters from the exit nearest to the classroom and passes by the room and sees nobody inside. She approaches the door and sees a paper taped to the door informing us about the class being cancelled.
So, by now, there are a good 5 people waiting outside the classroom. She asks us if we had even bothered checking the door, at which time everyone turns their heads and looks at me.
I looked like an idiot.
Deidara77: Haha, I guess they blame you because they saw you waiting and thought there was class. I'm going to assume they were all distracted though and on phones, so no one probably looked. That's how it always is, I look down hallways and EVERY person is on a cellphone doing something.
ChillingInTraffic: Exactly right. One of my classmates go there about 15 minutes after I did and sat right next to me. He felt pretty dumb as well, but it was an honest mistake.
kuavi: IT's a TEFU for this one.
| 4 | 10 | |
1384386426 | 1384468815 | null | t5_2to41 | 870 | CupcakeGirl84: TIFU by wearing the wrong underwear to work (NSFW-language)
First thing's first, the job I have is very physical-I'm always on my feet, lifting heavy things, up and down ladders, sweating, and being active and gross in general. I definitely don't wear granny panties but at work I usually wear pretty generic bikini style panties that are comfortable and don't ride up with all the work I do.
So I was stumbling around like a morning breath zombie today looking for my work clothes. Of course I can't find any clean underwear. Finally, I spy a pair of gray boyshorts on the floor-passes the smell test=clean. I noticed there was a small (pencil eraser sized) hole in the crotch, but that's no big deal, not like anyone will see them. So I suit up and don't think twice about it, and head to work.
As my day gets going and I'm walking all over the place and moving around a lot, I start to feel unhappy in the underpants region. Something feels weird, like pinching or chafing. I am really busy so I discretely try and do the pinch and pull to get the fabric away from my crotch and keep going about my work. But no, that's only a very temporary fix. The discomfort is becoming worse, and almost painful to the point that I'm kind of starting to walk spread legged and keep trying to squat a bit and am trying hard to keep a grimace off my face.
Finally I get a moment to hobble to the bathroom and pull down my pants in front of the mirror. It was that hole. That goddamned hole. And peeking out of the hole, angry, was a part of one of my pussy lips, like a tiny angry thumb. And let me clarify yall, I don't have huge dangly lips. But somehow it had gotten itself through the hole in the fabric and gotten itself stuck there. It was almost PURPLE and not feeling good. You know how it feels when you put a rubber band around your finger? Yeah. *But on my labia.*
So then I had the joy of pulling my pussy lip out of my underwear hole which DID NOT FEEL GOOD. It was chafed and swollen (not in the good way) from being crammed in that hole. Then I was faced with what to do with my underwear. I knew I couldn't keep wearing them, so I had to figure out how to smuggle my panties out of the bathroom all the way back to my purse in my locker without anyone seeing, and then spent the rest of the day mortified that anytime I opened my locker, my panties would fall out.
TL;DL: wore panties with a hole, my vagina tried to escape.
Edit: wow, this blew up more than I expected. And I'm super glad I'm vindicated because it's happened to other girls too! Today=pristine, non-holey panties! Happy lips.
positivecontent: the visual is just...
imnotarobot1: Hot. I know.
chiniwini: /r/beef_flaps
lindzasaurusrex: Part of me really wants to click that. But I know I shouldn't.
chiniwini: Trust me, you'll love it.
lindzasaurusrex: I'm happy with my nicely tucked-up ladybits.
chiniwini: I took a quick look at your history trying to find said shy and clean ladybits but only found death and destruction.
lindzasaurusrex: Different strokes for different folks, my friend. ;D
No, I'm just not into posting naked pics of myself.
chiniwini: Hah, fair enough. I'm not into that either. I prefer real world exhibitionism :D
lindzasaurusrex: The best kind!
| 11 | 79.090909 | |
1384388332 | 1384754072 | null | t5_2to41 | 92 | FlyYellowMoon: TIFU every single step of the tea-making process.
I wanted to make a nice cup of herbal tea before I went to work.
First, I grabbed the wrong mug (not a travel mug) and prematurely put the sweetener and tea bag in it.
Then I realized there was standing water left in the kettle, which I proceeded to pour into the sink only to have it get caught on a plate, cascading onto the floor and my feet.
I poured new water into the kettle and set it to boil, attempting to mop up the floor in the interim, but I guess I wasn’t quick enough because the kettle began to whistle. As I jumped up to take care of it, I slammed my head into the counter.
As a result of all this, I was late for work.
And once I finally got there and finished my tea, I realized I'd picked the "sleepytime" variety, and damn near fell asleep at my desk.
Sigh.
holnrew: You usually put the teabag in AFTER the water?
ಠ_ಠ
FlyYellowMoon: Oh no. I meant I had put the tea bag and sweetener in the wrong mug, which was slightly damp, and so there went a packet of sweetener. Sorry that wasn't more clear!
AcaciaJules: Wait, why would that mean you couldn't use it? Also, sleepytime tea just means it doesn't have caffeine. It doesn't actually have medicinal properties.
| 4 | 23 | |
1384394117 | 1384534853 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | alternateasian: TIFU by leaving my dildo in the shower.
I share a bathroom with my mom and my younger sister. After I drop my sister off at school, I have the house to myself.
I had a doctor's appointment today and I wanted to have a bit of fun before I left.... so I brought my dildo in the shower for super wet fun time. I noticed that I've been in the shower for too long, so I shut off the water, stuck my "friend" on the wall, and rushed to get ready.
Hours later, after my appointment and after my sister came home, we were sitting around then she decides she wants to take a body shower. Then it hit me. I panicked, ran to the bathroom, pulled off the dildo and threw it into my room before she could come up. Whew. Close save.
All of a sudden I hear, "Umm, what was that thing you threw into your room?"
She was watching from a distance the whole time.
I told her it was something to help me with my anxiety issues. She's 12 and on the innocent side (mom's a hardcore Christian) so she doesn't know about sexual stuff yet.
Luckily she hasn't said anything to my mom yet. I asked her not to say anything.
DrGoonBag: This seems to be a growing trend
1. Post on r/tifu
2. Mention Masturbation
3. Be female
4. ???????
5. Acquire upvotes.
alternateasian: Well, I just kind of wanted to share how I fucked up today. Sorry if I'm following a trend of some sort.
DrGoonBag: You didnt fuck up though.... nothing bad happened. I think most people would agree.
This whole post just reeks of attention seeking.
alternateasian: Sorry it seems that way to you. I feel like I fucked up. It's not as extreme as a lot of other's, but I feel like I did fuck up. I apologize something worse didn't happen, like my dog eating it instead or whatever.
dylan_jay: Just try harder I suppose : /
| 6 | 1.333333 | |
1384400267 | 1384410759 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | Dimendq3: TIFU by greeting the GM of my workplace with a racial slur
I work for a middle class, but professional car dealership and I'm both new and young. When I hang up my coat as i come in, I pass by the general manager's office. Our GM is a very friendly man, but very strict on rules and social policies, but he's loved by one and all.
Today as I entered, I popped off my headphones, and went to hang up my coat. You know how sometimes when you're really digging a track you continue to hear it in your head? Well I certainly do.
He's leaving the board room, and must pass me to enter his office, says he says hello in passing, and my response?
Whatsuuuuup Niggga!
1) I'm a baby faced white boy
2) He's 50+ years old and seems to have almost had a heart attack.
In the end he noticed how red my face got, and how embarrassed I was over my slip up, and played it off cool. But damn, ill listen to classical music on my walk in every day until I leave...
Ikon07: You deserved to be fired...and you GM is probably racist.
thatonekidnj: Shut the hell up.
Also this was the best thing I have ever read on here! Bahahaha
| 3 | 3 | |
1384459356 | 1384513456 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,868 | A_Sea_Anemone: TIFU my by looking in my coffee before drinking.
Edit to title: TIFU by NOT looking in my coffee before drinking...
I have braces and sometimes food gets stuck in them. So when I fucked up and took a drink of my coffee, I thought the thing I was feeling in my mouth was leftover food. Crunch... feels squirt.... WRONG. NOT FOOD, FLY. Big disgusting fucking fly I just crunched in my mouth. I vomit immediately ALL over myself and still feel nauseous thinking about it. :( I fucked up today.
rodgling: Recently I was outside, walking about, and a fly flew into my mouth. I coughed a bit and assumed either it had gone, or been swallowed. No big deal.
BUT.
For some reason my sinuses felt blocked up. Probably just a cold? Nope. About fifteen minutes later I blew my nose and on the tissue was a goddamn huge fly. Still alive. IFU.
0/10 would not inhale again.
Ayn_Rand_Was_Right: ever wonder if there are now maggots up there?
Ninja_Guin: Why would you say that D:
UnwaryErmine: Maybe it layed eggs...
UpBoatDownBoy: Botfly eggs
doomsday_pancakes: > Botfly eggs
OH, FUCK ME!! WHY DID I FUCKING GOOGLED THAT!! ARGHHH, MY FUCKING EYES!
lizzehness: Saw this, went anyway and now I have regrets.
TripleFFF: Not clicking that shit, I'm eating rice.. I think I'm gonna back out of this thread now. Good day
SuperbusAtheos: Why? Botfly maggots are a lot bigger then grains of rice.
Cyc68: Yeah, much bigger. [See](http://parasitesandworms.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/bot-fly.jpg).
Edit: I got the dumb. Spell nut good.
| 11 | 169.818182 | |
1384457758 | 1384460839 | null | t5_2to41 | 79 | PerkinsOhoolihan: TIFU by bursting into tears in the middle of my Spanish Oral Exam
Exactly what it sounds like. Spanish 3150: Comprehension and Expression.
I think I expressed myself fairly well through emotions, at least.
VascoTheGamer: Did you at least cry in Spanish?
PerkinsOhoolihan: It may have come out Russian though, it kind of went like this:
"Shdkfkshsga" *sniffle* "vale, lo siento. entonces..." *cries* "ajkskdhsvah"
VascoTheGamer: Maybe the professor was impressed by your russian. I hope you can take the exam again and do better that time :)
| 4 | 19.75 | |
1384464606 | 1384633010 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | [deleted]: TIFU by triggering my girlfriends anxiety issues
Me and my girlfriend are long distance at the moment, and so we skype almost every night.
Well, one night we were skyping and as usual, and being cute she asked me to just talk about random stuff or make up a wee story to help her to sleep, which I did gladly. About half an hour after she fell asleep though, she woke up, looked into the camera and said "I love you".
Now, I thought this was really sweet, I fell asleep with a massive smile on my face.
Now, this is where the fuck up was, she mentioned the other day that she woke up so happy after it, but couldn't for the life of her remember what I was talking about, that's fine since she was falling asleep.
Today, she was feeling sad (as well as anxiety, she occasionally gets hit with depression) and so to cheer her up, I thought I'd tell her about waking up to say "I love you" and falling asleep again. Unfortunately this has freaked her out, as she can't remember doing it at all, and so she's scared that she may be losing her mind (which is a fear she has fairly often when her anxiety flairs up).
and so now I'm sitting here typing this out to you lovely people worried out my skull for upsetting her and hoping her friend who helps her with her anxiety when I'm not around can do better
SineDeo: It might help to reassure her that it's not at all uncommon to not remember something in that kind of situation. Sleep isn't a binary state, it's a gradient. People wake up, check the clock, fall back asleep, and don't remember a thing about it all the time.
This study has some information about this phenomenon:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/9322267
The most relevant bit is this:
>When allowed to sleep for 10 minutes, subjects evidenced a mixed anterograde and retrograde amnesia for auditory stimuli presented in the 4-minute window prior to sleep onset.
They'd forgotten everything that happened four minutes prior to falling asleep.
-zombie-squirrel: I'm a day late reading this, but I have a question. I read in a study that to ensure proper memory recall, you should read over your study materials 15 minutes before going to sleep. Does this study you linked counteract that advice?
SineDeo: I don't think so. The window for amnesia that they cited was four minutes. Which, to me, sounds like about how long it would take the brain to switch from the 'tired enough to sleep' state to 'asleep, fully unconscious' state. During that transition, I don't think you'd be capable of doing any studying.
Also, are you sure the thing you're talking about isn't suggesting getting into bed 15 minutes after studying? I can't imagine that most people could fall asleep within 15 minutes of lying down.
| 4 | 7.75 | |
1384469519 | 1384478375 | null | t5_2to41 | 84 | dgavb: TIFU by forgetting to check to see if there was toilet paper in the stall.
Okay, so this happened last Tuesday. I apologize it didn't happen today. If you really want, I'll do it again.
My friends and family know me as a long shitter. I've been known to make people wait an hour for me while I take a shit. My family is concerned, and told me to see a doctor about this, but dammit I'm a man. Men don't need help.
So my day starts off normal, like any other day. I have a simple daily routine, I have a simple class schedule. Everything is so precise and put to together at my school. Since everything is so precise I never have enough time to shit.
This always lead to problems.
When school ended that day, my friend Matt asked me if I wanted to go to a coffee shop and work on some homework. I think why the hell not, I'm always getting coffee. So I go with him a few miles out of my school to grab a bite to eat and purchase some delicious black coffee. I chug that cup down like a muthafucka.
I still have not shit yet, and this coffee makes it even worse. Here I am at the table, trying to do my math homework while I'm farting loud as fuck. I think: shit, I don't wanna crap my pants.
I tell Matt I'm gonna go take a shit real quick.
I go over to the bathroom stall, and release myself. Little did I know that I was out of toilet paper. That was the lesson I learned that day: always check the stall first.
Anyways, I have to think quick. I know that outside of the stall there is a paper towel dispenser. So I thought the best idea would be to scurry over to that fucker, grab a handful of paper towels and clean the mess I've made.
The shit I took was not a normal shit, it was a wet sloppy mess... So I didn't want to get my pants all dirty. I decided the best thing to do was run out naked really really quick.
I wiggle a bit and get all of the shit off of mount butt crack and I and sprint like a bear at a unicycle store. (Bears like unicycles right?) As I'm running I hear the door of the bathroom stall open.
I'm standing half naked in the middle of the bathroom while this dude walks.
He walks in, looks at me and just stares.
For a good fucking 10 seconds it was just silence. I then think I need to say something quick.
"Wow! It's really hot today isn't it?!"
Fuck. Alright. I fucked up again. He nods and slowly walks out of the bathroom and I proceed to go back to the stall and wipe my ass in shame.
Today I fucked up.
tl;dr - Forgot to check for toilet paper before shit, try and sprint to towel dispenser naked, dude walks in.
WhatsInAName39: Did you finish your Math homework, OP?
dgavb: I did. I finished in shame.
| 3 | 28 | |
1384475391 | 1384539587 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | anus_ice_cream: TIFU by ruining a pair of slacks and my wallet that had a condom in it.
So I was eating my dinner. It was delicious home made shrimp scampi and I was loving every bite. I put the plate on my lap and leaned over to reach my phone and forgot there was a whole bunch of oil on the plate. The oil spilled all over my nice slacks and so I immediately told my step-mom and we put them in the wash in the hopes of salvalging them. Well fuck me I forgot my wallet was in them. After they get out of the wash its obvious the pants are ruined. But then my step-mom realizes my wallet was in it. The wallet was ruined and of course the condom I keep in there fell out. I'm 17 and just had the talk with my Dad and step-mom. Now I can't just go out to a friends house to hangout without proof because god forbid I have some fun. So in summary I lost a nice pair of pants, my wallet and now I have less freedom to do what I want because my Dad knows I'm sexually active .
sjaxskis: Try putting dish soap on the stain and letting it sit overnight. As for the condom.... I got nothin.
k12314: Convince his parents to stop being uptight fuckwads? I dunno.
sjaxskis: Find a way to stop uptight fuck wads from being so deserves a Nobel Peace Prize.
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1384475804 | 1384594770 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | benwubbleyou: TIFU by trying to light a plastic, battery powered candle.
Like the title says. This isn't a horrible one but more of a funny one. I am an idiot regardless though.
I work at a church as a videographer/media producer type thing and I need a shot of a candle on a black backdrop.
I head upstairs and grab a candle, it is a simple white one. I also grab a lighter, and then head back to the studio downstairs to start shooting.
I start trying to light the candle, and it doesn't smell good and it's starting to spark, I just assume this is one dumb-ass candle and it will light eventually.
After a couple minutes of failure, my coworker comes into the room and asks what's that smell. I tell him it's this candle that isn't lighting, he comes and grabs the candle from me and looks at the bottom and just starts laughing. Only then does it hit me that it was a fake candle and not a real one.
I get a photo taken of me and the candle and now it is the church staff joke being passed around the office.
tl;dr tried to light a battery powered candle, I am laughed at. It's still funny though.
[The Photo of my genuis](https://scontent-a-sea.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/1425590_10151964040342225_1444455207_n.jpg)
[deleted]: Church media producers, studios, offices... Man there is a lot about churches that I don't understand.
benwubbleyou: That's totally ok.
I'll try and explain the officeness of my church, because to my knowledge nearly all churches have at least one office.
There is more than just the sunday service that happens during the week at church. Or at least in my opinion the church is more than just one day of the week. If the church is not directly involved in the community then you are doing church wrong.
I think the best way to describe why the church has offices is because the church is more like a community centre, or at least that is how my church works. There is always something happening during the week. Like on Tuesday nights there is a group therapy session happening in the church basement, and on Wednesday morning many mothers with their kids meet up. But who runs all this? It's not like the church doors are unlocked and anyone can just walk in and go nuts, there's lots of expensive stuff in there.
The church has an office, a receptionist, and other staff because the church is more than just a place to gather on Sunday, it's to help the community is it planted in. So if you want to host a Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, the church is a great place, but you have to schedule it in because the church is used by a lot of people.
Another reason the church has an office is because the pastor of the church isn't meant to do the jobs of 15 people, he shouldn't be in charge of budget, who is using the space, leading musical worship, that is just not right. The church has a staff to do the rest of the things that need to be done in the church. That's why a church has an office, and other staff running stuff.
Now I will explain my job: my job is to tell the story of the church. This is done in various ways, firstly, I have volunteers videotape the sermon and I edit it and put it online for people to watch and listen, but it also goes to my church's second campus for the people attending to watch. I also tell peoples stories, make promotions for events at the church, and make videos for the various ministries like the youth or young adults groups.
so tl;dr. My job is to tell the story of the church through video and media. The church has an office because the church is a lot like a community centre.
If you have more questions please ask!
[deleted]: Awesome. Thanks for explaining. I'm not a church goer, so that might explain my ignorance. I've only been in churches on holiday to check out the art and stuff. All the churches in my neighbourhood are pretty small so I actually don't expect them to do much more than on Sundays. I'm actually glad that there happens more. Good to hear. Thanks again for explaining!
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1384483307 | 1384503204 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: tifu - hooked up with co-worker at company party
last night there was a company party at a local bar, I got wasted, and a co-worker and I made out in front of everyone, getting to third base with even (while at the bar).
I'm so embarrassed and disappointed in my behavior. I went to work today and acted like everything was fine, but given the girl called in sick (and people were clearly whispering and smirking whenever I walked around), things are not looking great.
I feel like I've discredited my reputation, ruining what what was the best job I've ever had. I am so angry with myself, and it can never be repaired.
Shepiwot: I had a similar situation - got drunk at a work party, blacked out, woke up next to a chubby coworker in some house I didn't knew, turned out to be a house of my other coworker I barely even knew. You should call her, make sure she's okay and meet soon to have a talk about that night and how you both feel. It's better to have one really awkward conversation and clear things out, than to avoid each other and make your entire workplace awkward and uncomfortable - especially if you're serious about that job.
But most of all, you have to remember - you're not the first person in the world who got drunk and did something stupid. If you still feel bad about yourself, just read top entries on /r/tifu. People have done worse things, including shitting their pants in a workplace then hiding in the bathroom for few hours while everyone at work knew, or showing their genitals to family etc. Really, it's not that bad.
DidijustDidthat: I need to spend more time on this sub, those sound like classics.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1384489891 | 1384641421 | null | t5_2to41 | 72 | ISentYouFurryPorn: TIFU by accidentally sending my friend furry porn
I tried sending her a picture of a fedora as joke, but I accidentally clicked on some furry porn I had laying around and Facebook automatically sent it to her. Fuck.
Edit: [Proof (warning: furry porn, duh)](http://imgur.com/aT6xgG7)
spaghettifier: Seems to me like it could easily have been played off as pretty much the same joke...
ISentYouFurryPorn: I really don't think 5 wolfs having gay sex is in the same caliber as a fedora...
Shamwich: I think we need to see this porn...for science.
ISentYouFurryPorn: My whole folder or just this one picture?...
k12314: The whole folder, bucko.
ISentYouFurryPorn: I'll post it when I get home just for you haha.
Shamwich: I accept.
ISentYouFurryPorn: You want me to send it to you too?
Shamwich: Why not?
AlicornTits: Dont leave me hanging cuz
Shamwich: Well, don't look at me.
AlicornTits: I am most certainly **not** looking at you...
I'm looking at my phone screen.
^and ^^just ^^^like ^^^^^that ^^^^^^I'm ^^^^^^^out
ISentYouFurryPorn: Would you like the link as well?
AlicornTits: I didn't think *you'd* *actually* *send* *it.* **what** **the** **actual** **fuck.**
ISentYouFurryPorn: Well you asked for it.
AlicornTits: ^^^^I ^^^^guess ^^^^I ^^^^did. ^^^^**fuck**
| 17 | 4.235294 | |
1384500213 | 1384506483 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | [deleted]: TIFU by absolutely destroying a relationship with a girl
Okay so I have been dating this girl for about a month everything has been going great with no complaints so far. Anyways me,her, and a few friends were at my house for a little party tonight to celebrate her birthday (22). We are having lots of fun (yes alcohol is involved) and everyone's having a blast including her, she has opened my gift to her of this beautiful necklace I spent way to much on for being a broke college student. As the night starts winding down a few friends leave and a few crash the night at my house but my gf motions for me to go upstairs and I immediately get all excited because I can tell by the look on her face thats its sexy time. Upstairs I go and sure enough we get right to it. She is super fucking horny and just begging for it she strips down and begs me to fuck her well shes sucking my cock and then I get the bright Idea to return the favor and eat her out for a bit since I don't do this often. I throw her down get on top of her and slowly kiss her all over her body and she is just squirming begging for more, I finally start eating her out, I start nice and slow for a while getting her really into and she is just loving it I start licking right below her clit and she is really getting into it and so am I, almost a little too much. Well she is moaning and groaning I start to feel like I am about to cum, I get more into it and move my tongue like nobody's business and she is moaning so load and jerking around and then.. right as shes about to orgasm I also am right about to and bam I do right before her but as I jizzed I got that emense feeling of pleasure and completley forgot what I was doing and then it happened.. I bit down on her clitoris and immediately she scream and pushes me off and was freaking out! "what the hell was that for?" "Was a taking to long" ect ect. and immediately all that rush of happiness and amazing intimate moment with this beautiful girl is over. I try to explain but my drunk ass is just digging a deeper hole and tonight I'm on the couch.. reddit tonight i fucked ^(up)
****tl;dr-Had drunk sex with girlfriend, ended up biting her clit
Sir_Mine-a-lot: Oooh ouch :( I can't imagine what that would feel like
TylerTman: from her reaction.. pretty fucking bad.
SoyPopo: Even so, talk to her tomorrow/later, you'll make up for it. Good luck OP :)
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1384523693 | 1384815864 | null | t5_2to41 | 901 | ChildishSerpent: TIFU by snotting on my wife's nose.
So, this morning my schedule and my wife's schedule have overlapping time at home from work. I work nights, she doesn't have to be in until 11 am.
So, I'm a little tired from working my shift, but we haven't had sex in a little while, and I'm kinda horny, so I start going in for the kisses and the touches and the sexy times.
I happen to also have a slight pre-cold, and after a few smooches she pulls back and says, "you know, this would be a lot more attractive if you didn't have a booger in your nose."
At that point I realize that our noses were touching while we were kissing, and she has some (of my) snot on the tip of her nose. I make the big mistake of pointing it out.
"Ewww! Ew ew ew" punctuated with laughter. Laughter? Perhaps I still have a chance! "Well, it's not that bad..." Ohgoddon'tfinishthissentenceshutupshutupshutup. "I mean, you get my semen in you and that's also mucous."
Needless to say, that's why I'm laying here typing this up for your amusement instead of getting laid. You're welcome.
TL;DR: Trying to put on the moves I get snot on wife's nose, try to backpedal by pointing out that semen is also basically snot.
minhtan_93: Looks like she snot in the mood anymore.
dodgymanc: This guy nose a pun when he sees one
OWNdizzaled: This is going to turn into one of those running joke threads, isn't it?
YesThisIsHuman: I don't think the people downvoting you considered the word "running." They thought you blew it.
jrblast: Some people may have just thought it was a bad pun. Personally, I have no tissue with it.
m2012e: Face the facts. Most of these are pretty bad.
xNannerMan: That wasn't a pun. You lose.
m2012e: Face? Faces have noses?
xNannerMan: It's not very good if you have to point it out... BUT it *was* a pun... so I lose.
| 10 | 90.1 | |
1384528639 | 1384644761 | null | t5_2to41 | 85 | epatti0914: TIFU by NOT telling her the surprise.
**TL;DR:** Girlfriend of a year broke up with me after heated argument because I wouldn't tell her a surprise.
Okay, just for starters and for my spitefulness, the surprise was I was going to be taking my girlfriend of almost a year to the beach for a picnic that I was going to cook and was going to play a song I had written her towards the end of it. Call it lame or cliche, I really have no arguments against it.
Now I knew that she hated surprises, well more of KNOWING there was a surprise without knowing what it was. But at one point she was going through some serious depression and when the idea sparked I kinda just casually mentioned that if I could get it all together, I'd do something nice for her. It made her happy and that's all that mattered.
Then came the constant asking. "Tell me what it issss! Pleeeeease???" "Tell me!" "Oh, come oooonnn." I just laughed it off because I thought she was just trying to be cute. Oh how wrong I was. Last night around midnight or so we're on Skype and I just told her no again and I hear her vigorously typing to her friend... I ask her what about and she decides to vent to me how annoyed she is that I'm not telling her about her surprise. You know. Because IT'S A FUCKING SURPRISE.
Now from time to time I can be quite stubborn and have a bit of a temper... I do my best to fix this in relationships by removing myself so we can both composure and we can come back and talk things out. This was no exception, and I told her I'd talk to her later while I tried to think it out... this is greeted by her calling me five minutes later and blowing up on me and saying how selfish I'm being. It continues to get more and more heated so she decides to hang up the phone. Of course, this fun game continues for hours of us trying to get the other to see their side of things by talking over each other.
She tells me that she'd rather not have whatever it is at all if I'm not going to tell her. I said fine, less work for me to do. *Jesus fuck what beast have I awoken?* I could've put the phone on the other end of the room and heard every word as if she were sitting next to me. Eventually she hangs up when I decide to share my piece (albeit I wasn't exactly speaking calmly back).
It finally concludes when she tells me maybe we should take a break. Been there, done that. I don't do breaks and respond by saying if she wants to end, then nut up and end it. So she does. And now I suppose I just... well I really don't know. Been up all night trying to figure it out and now I have to get ready for work. At least it felt good to say it out loud. Now I know I'm not completely in the right because I said some things I shouldn't have, but she did, as well. But the whole premise of how it started baffles me still. Thoughts?
placid871: Don't know too much about your situation, but others tend to be happier without their SO than they ever were happy with them... Just a thought....
epatti0914: When we were good, we were damn good. It's just when it gets bad... it gets really bad. I don't really see me going back considering our past. Some not-okay stuff has happened.
placid871: There you go- go out with your friends for the next few weeks to get over it, and perhaps you will find someone in the meantime... (http://www.quickmeme.com/meme/3t50dq/)??
epatti0914: haha man, I forgot about that! Yeah, she was the one who said that. I do go out with my friends on a regular basis... that was one of her problems: I actually do get hit on kind of on a semi-regular basis. She figured it I was back down to my track/cross country weight, she'd lose me.
In the end, I was more loyal than she was. During a "break" we were having before, she ended up sleeping with another guy and choosing him over me. A month later she comes back to me.
....Holy fuck. The hell am I doing missing her? That's stopping now.
| 5 | 17 | |
1384508957 | 1384534979 | null | t5_2to41 | 177 | daniellemx: TIFU by buying a TV at a garage sale.
My county has a garage sale website where people sell all kinds of things. Today while I was browsing I came across a beautiful new 50 inch HDTV for only $350. I thought it was my lucky day, I've been looking for a bigger TV for a while, and that's so cheap! I get in contact with the seller and he says he can even bring it right to me. Awesome! Well, they come in a big grey truck full of people and hands my boyfriend the TV. It's even prettier in person! I thanked him profusely, said goodbye, and went inside to try it out. It works great and looks amazing. Then I saw them. There were little bugs all over the house that we've never seen before. We've had the TV inside for a couple hours before we start seeing all the bugs that were on it, we were too busy staring at the screen. Cockroaches. I failed to mention that the man who sold me the TV was very redneck and missing some teeth. I guess that should have set off some alarms but I do live in Ohio. We take the TV outside and crack open the back, and yup, there's tons of roaches in there. Disgusting things. I never thought I would have this problem. So now I have to get my cats out of the house, clean the cupboards out, throw blankets on everything, and bug bomb the house a couple times. That'll be the last time I buy anything from a garage sale in a while.
illdrawyourface: I'll never forget when we used to live in florida, we had a big big insect problem. Cockroaches, palmetto bugs, scorpions, brown recluses, and fire ants!! I was stung by a scorpion (too young to remember thank goodness) brown recluses hiding in our car, etc.
Once we started noticing way more ants in our kitchen than usual. Took a few hours before my dad found they had started to try and build a nest IN OUR PHONE AND ANSWERING MACHINE.
Fuck Florida. It has not been good to us.
k12314: So the moral of this story is to move somewhere that bugs cannot survive.
Alaska, here I come. At least I hope the cold keeps bugs away.
PassivePandas: Alberta, Canada. The shittiest bug here is a mosquito. But winter lasts about 6-7 months, so bugs disappear for most of the year. Don't know how happy I am about that.
k12314: Well I love winter, digging out my car is fine. But fuck bugs, I live in a Southern area, and we're rather marshy, so there's a bunch of annoying bugs here.
PassivePandas: I don't mind digging out my car, I'm just not a fan of sliding down a highway sideways for half a year. It gets VERY slippery.
k12314: I can only imagine. But again, I'm willing to deal with it if it means no more bugs or otherwise annoying shit.
PassivePandas: Yeah fair enough, I understand!
| 8 | 22.125 | |
1384539830 | 1384671639 | null | t5_2to41 | 505 | SkyWulf: TIFU by threatening to beat someone up with a stop sign I pulled out of the ground.
So, long story short, these bunch of crazy assholes at my college start following me after class. Whispering to each other, staring at me, basically making me feel nervous as fuck. Naturally, I assume they're going to try to rob me. So I walk faster. They split up and one guy is left following me. He starts yelling at me, saying shit like "Ay boy how much those shoes cost" and "what's in YO wallet?"
I ignore him for a while until I'm far past the edge of campus and he's still following me. I turn a corner and panic as he follows me again. He yells at me "alright now" and before he can get a word out I turn around and stare at him. I lean on the stop sign next to me, and notice it's loose. He comes toward me and I scream "EVER SEEN THE MATRIX, ASSHOLE?" And pull as hard as I can. The stop sign comes up slightly and the concrete block at the bottom falls off, leaving me holding the sign while panting heavily. He fucked off pretty quickly.
I only realized later as I was walking home that I seriously fucked up my hands. They're seriously cut up and bruised and it hurts like a fucking bitch, and now I'm worried that I'm going to have to replace a stop sign.
2aguy: I read a really good article about street robberies. Once piece of advice was when you think you find yourself in this situation, turn towards the attacker, flick your coattail or lift your shirt, turn that hip away from the attacker, and act like you are about to draw a gun. I bet that will get their attention real fast.
DJNimbus2000: I'll take "Best Way to Get Shot in Milwaukee" for 400.
sagsign86: No shit. If a group of people are following you and you think they're trying to jump/rob you, then chances are SOMEONE in that group is packing heat. Duh.
R3D1t: you clearly have never seen the matrix
sagsign86: as a matter of fact, I have not. Never cared to. What am I missing?
JekyllVsHyde: There's a part where someone rips out a stop sign and beats a few people into bloody pulps.
KennyFulgencio: Is there really?
| 8 | 63.125 | |
1384542870 | 1384633550 | null | t5_2to41 | 59 | Rikkushin: TIFU by eating half of a Baumkuchen with dehumidifying powder
It was around midnight, and I was out on the streets hanging with my friends, when I started feeling hungry, so I went to a nearby 7-eleven to buy a Baumkuchen.
Now, these Baumkuchens come with a little package, which I thought was sugar. Half way through eating my Baumkuchen with "sugar" a friend asked me
**Friend**- Did you pour that white powder that comes with the Baumkuchen
**Me**- Yeah, isn't it sugar?
**Friend**- Dude, that's a sort of dehumidifying powder, that shit is toxic
**Me**-What? *reads package label*. Oh shit, it's says do not eat
So here I am, 3AM, and I'm just a little nauseated. Let's hope I don't need to take a trip to the hospital
zalloy: What's a Baumkuchen?
Also, the little packet most likely contained silica gel. It sucks up moisture. It can be toxic, but in that small of an amount, I wouldn't worry too much. If it worries you, see a doctor and explain what you ate.
Why would you think a packet marked "do not eat" would be sugar?
Rikkushin: [Baumkuchen](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baumkuchen)
These are extremely popular in Japan, and I live in Macau (China) so the 7-elevens here get a lot of Japanese products (they even sell One Piece action figures). And I didn't notice that the package said "Do not eat, and do not microwave"
And thank god it isn't that bad. When I took a bite I actually thought "That's some strange sugar" but I just kept on eating
zalloy: Oh, I see now. From the name, I was thinking a German pastry. It looks yummy. I'm in the US, and I've never seen them before.
They probably put that pack of silica in there to keep the cake from getting weird in the package. I don't think it will make you sick, but you didn't eat a whole lot of it either. Try drinking lots of water.
Belgara: You're not wrong - it IS actually originally German. Japan just really likes it.
skavier470: yes german, translation:
Treecake.
because of the way it looks , with the rings or layers on it.
Its made by baking a fine layer of dough ading more layers everytime.
i tried doing it my self once, worked quite well.
| 6 | 9.833333 | |
1384542826 | 1384566652 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | feather0306: TIFU By (trying) to dogde a snot shower. This actually happened last night.
So, my friend (F 19) came over last night and we were hanging out in my room, just finished The Heat (movie is HILARIOUS, IMO) and she was standing on my bed, grabbing my bong (bout to have a smoke sesh) and I'm sitting down waitng for her. As she's reaching for my baby, I see her face get contorted a bit right above me, and instantly knew she was going to sneeze, so I (thinking I'm about to avoid her beam of germs that's about to rain down on me) dodge to the other side of her, JUST as she turns her head to sneeze. I had already moved and didn't have enough reaction time to move out of the way, Again, so I got covered in my friends snot and spit :( I felt it spray all over me. Why she didn't just cover her sneeze is a wonder to the both of us.
WithoutACompass: should've told her "You go left, I'll go right"
UnwaryErmine: I probably would have proceeded to go right
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1384542175 | 1384587527 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | Todayisthewprst: TIFU by losing a flash drive at school
Guess what was on it.
lucidviolet: Not only of you had porn on it, but if there were other documents identifying you as the owner.
Todayisthewprst: I'm 97% sure there wasn't.
Or it would take a ton of work just to find an alternate email of mine, or something.
I'm pretty worried about Monday. Actually I hope I don't get it back, and the custodians just vaccuumed it up or something. [It's pretty small. Like this but without the string or cover or anything.](http://www.bookstore.brocku.ca/Inventory_Images/Emtec_micro_4GB_large.jpg)
UnwaryErmine: They come that small?
Edit: that's what she said
TheSwissRedditor2: dat moment when he didn't even edit it
| 5 | 3.2 | |
1384545946 | 1384553813 | null | t5_2to41 | 54 | laxerado1313: TIFU by not checking the garbage disposal before running it.
Just trying to clean some dishes and have some nasty that needs to be ground up. flick the switch and hear the worst worst i've ever heard come out of a garbage disposal before. I immediately turn it off to investigate. reach in and find out that a shot glass found its way in there, broken glass everywhere. Pull out a couple pieces and realize i've sliced one of my fingers on a piece. So i changed hands and got more of the bigger pieces out. So now I really have to get in there deep to get these tin pieces, and apparently if you have a large hand and force it into a small hole and leave it in there for too long it swells up a bit and gets stuck. Was stuck for about 30 minutes before i put soap around my hand and let it soak in and i was able to finally wiggle it out of there. only ripped off a tiny piece of skin on my thumb. Also, the garbage disposal is now broken.
TheJackal8: I really thought that was going to end up with the grinder turning on and destroying your hand. Pro-tip: Unplug the grinder before sticking your hand in.
zalloy: This. Hopefully OP did this before putting his hand in there. I like my fingers best when they're still firmly attached to my hand, and my hand firmly attached to my arm. :-)
| 3 | 18 | |
1384551937 | 1384634522 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,275 | Draygn: TIFU by telling an Indian bloke I love him.
So I went to pick up a curry from my favourite Indian takeway this evening.
"That'll be £10 mate"
I give him 11.
"Have a good night pal"
"You too!"
"Bye!"
"I love you."
God damn it. I can never go back there.
whelp_welp: Maybe it's different in Europe, but here in America if you tell someone, "I love you" casually, you can play it off pretty easily. Although, maybe that's just my personal experience. Disregard this comment entirely.
Draygn: I sort of realised what I was saying halfway through and choked a bit so it came out kinda like "I lo-^ve ^y-you", super awkward and no way of playing it off. Not to mention this Indian guy is like 20 years older than me. Maybe if I wasn't a guy it would have been better. I dunno.
EDIT: I tell all my dude friends I love them like three or four times a day. Pretty casual if you're buddies with whoever your talking to first, I agree.
roy_cropper: You know - there's a heap of gay Indians...maybe he enjoyed it. Next time you go back you might find you get more mixed kebab in your mouth than you bargained for
ilikeeatingbrains: Gooed up jaw, man. ^^gulab ^^jaman
People_sometimes: I think thats a bit far fetched for the white folks
ShannonMS81: Gulab jamun is the most delicious dessert item on the face of the planet. And I'm super white.
People_sometimes: They may as well be made out of clouds because they are blissful
ShannonMS81: Indian food in general is amazing. I could actually see myself happily being vegetarian if I learned how to cook Indian food perfectly.
| 9 | 141.666667 | |
1384538196 | 1384565185 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting kinky
It was actually last night, but here's the story:
So I'm a gay male, I've been casually seeing this guy for a few months now, mostly a friends with benefits situation. Anyways, we've experimented with kink together and always had a fun time. Last night he came over and we got to it, he was tied to my bed with a blindfold on and things were starting to heat up. We had poppers (look it up if you don't know what they are) and I was trying to help him get a huff from the bottle because being strapped down and blindfolded it was hard for him to do it himself. I held the bottle to his nose and kind of fumbled around, then he starts freaking out and was spitting and yelping for me to cut him loose. I accidentally tipped the bottle too far and he basically snorted the liquid from the bottle, which isn't meant to be ingested. I cut the zipties off and he darted for my shower, gargling water and washing it off of his face. We checked the bottle which instructed the user to seek immediate medical attention if ingested. So he got dressed and left my apartment, near tears, heaving and sweating profusly, to go to the ER. I felt so embarrased and pretty shitty. He texted me today to let me know everything was fine, but it was still very scary and I think I won't be getting kinky like that again any time soon.
themokeesluvr15: Have make up sex
UnwaryErmine: This guy knows how to get it done
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1384556280 | 1384956697 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | Darc1999: TIFU by running into a door
The nearest phone is a few rooms away so I have to run to get it before whoever is calling hangs up (I probably should keep one with me). The phone starts ringing so I get up and start running. It's important to know that it was a very windy day and all the windows were open. So a reach the room's door after a long run down the corridor and I turn... and smash my toe right into the slammed door. It turns out my toe is now broken.
whelp_welp: That sounds painful. I, too, have a bone to pick with doors. One ripped the nail off of my big toe, and one smashed my hand and broke my index finger.
Musty__Elbow: Or you could say a bone to break with doors
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1384568482 | 1384620101 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | kayserasarah: TIFU by forgetting I had bananas in my kitchen.
I should say, "A month ago, I fucked up by forgetting I had bananas..." Now, before you think I'm just a pig, I have a decent sized kitchen, with hardly any cabinets, so I have a big metal shelving unit in the corner, that has boxed appliances and dishes stacked all over it. Apparently, when I was cleaning the table, I moved the fresh bananas onto a shelf, mostly out of view, figuring I'd put them back and then never did. Worse than forgetting I had bananas, I had placed them in a really cool looking aluminum casserole holder from the 60s, which has no bottom to it. Over the course of the last month, the bananas dissolved into the aluminum, ruining the finish on the dish, and worst of all, I have many fruit flies over in that corner, which I hadn't noticed because they were all hanging out on the bananas, but now that I disposed of said fruit, they're basically flying everywhere in my kitchen trying to find food. time to go kill some flies...
Demireius: Apple cider vinegar and a drop of dish soap. Put it in a small glass or jar. The vinegar attracts them, the soap breaks surface tension so they fall under and can't get out.
If you wanna be really sure, cover the top of the jar in aluminum foil and poke plenty of holes (8+) in there with a pencil lead or a skewer. Then they crawl on in and can definitely not get back out. It's a sure thing.
Source: Killed about 5 inches of the things in a week one summer with this.
holnrew: That sounds better than fly paper.
Demireius: It works like a charm, often within minutes. Fruit flies and other flying bugs with sweet tooths are good as gone.
| 4 | 8.5 | |
1384568965 | 1384750235 | null | t5_2to41 | 76 | bazooper: TIFU by syncing my dad's iPhone to help him out.
My dad was in an accident recently and he hasn't had a decent laptop in a while. I decided to put his music on a laptop I wasn't using so I decided to sync his phone to add the music to the iTunes library. You know how when your iPhone is plugged into a computer and it pops up with the pictures to import?
*There were my mother's damn nudes, multiple of them.*
I never want to touch this phone ever again, and there's not enough bleach to get rid of that sight. Oh god reddit, why?
ElSatanno: I don't think we're going to believe this story unless you share the aforementioned pictures with us.
bazooper: Would you save pictures of your mom naked?
ElSatanno: Let's not confuse the issue here. OP has made some pretty outlandish claims. I'm just requesting proof, classic Reddit style.
Besides, what if his mom is hot? XD
irGoodman: LMAO xDdd
| 5 | 15.2 | |
1384574083 | 1384634354 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | diosmioman: TIFU: gave my eyeball a chemical burn.
Last night I was extra, extra tired and I filled my contact case with the cleaning solution instead of the rinsing/storage solution. This morning I put in my right lens and experienced the most intense burning sensation I have ever felt. First time, and last time, I will ever make that mistake. 17 hours later and my eye is still red and stinging.
Ih8peoples: Ouch man fuck. I can't even. Did you go to the doctor?
diosmioman: No doctor visit... figured he would just tell me to stay out of my contacts for a few days until the redness and irritation go away.
SilentScience: If your eye has been burning for 17 straight hours it's time to go to the doctor. It's much better to be safe than sorry.
diosmioman: Thanks for the concern... feeling much better after a good night's sleep and a long break from contacts altogether.
| 5 | 4.8 | |
1384588184 | 1385161175 | null | t5_2to41 | 283 | poopypoopypoopypoopy: TIFU by taking a shot of vodka with my anus
^^There ^^will ^^be ^^a ^^TLDR ^^at ^^the ^^bottom ^^^^teehee
I love my ass. It's a ton of fun to play with. You put things in, you take things out, this makes your 'me' time is so much better. As a guy, it's the only way to get in touch with your inner self and I think it's fascinating to say the least.
But today, this was the reason I was mentally preparing a makeshift will. I'm only 18 and I pretty much have nothing to do all day unless I'm working. Obviously if you have the house to yourself, you start to get creative with what you jerk to/with/how. Living at home still trying to get to school or something, I work odd hours. Today I was going to be working 1:30 to 10:00.
I felt particularly kinky today and decided that I wanted to test my colon's absorption ability.
I've gotten drunk once before, and had a beer or two maybe six other times. I clearly don't know how my body handles alcohol very well, let alone unfiltered anus liquor.
But this doesn't cross my mind. I just want to get a bit of a buzz this morning.
Warning: unfiltered ass play ahead
-------------
10:30a I have my shot of vodka in one of those tiny rum bottles and a straw.
I know my plan: create fart, insert bottle and swap fart for shot.
But things aren't perfect. The straw is tearing my asshole a new asshole. It's not that bad though, so I just tough the initial pain out and bend over on my knees and let gravity pull some air in.
Then I replace my straw for the bottle while standing and get back on my knees. Watching my reflection in our full length mirror I shove my ass almost perpendicular to the floor and both legs spread to see the view. I relax my abs and suddenly the bottle is now empty.
Wow. I feel nothing. I expected a little bit of a tingle or burn, but there's nothing. That is, until I take the bottle out. My anus seems to be the only thing that realises what a bad idea this is and screams a signal of pain on contact with the alcohol. Not cool. But whatever; I'm just gonna let the rest of it get absorbed so it won't touch my anus any more! Foolishly I want to jerk something fierce. A small shampoo thing gets to spend quality time with me. In it goes and off I get.
Unfortunately it slips out and a splash of anus burning liquid follows before I clamp shut. It burns. That's not good. ^^Oh. This probably wasn't a great idea. [I'm out.](http://cdn.chud.com/1/1f/295x221px-LL-1f759989_Jerry-Seinfeld-Leaving1.gif)
I'm getting to the toilet and feel the pressure of the leftover makeshift fart coming on. Apparently I took in more air than I thought.
Do you remember the burning of diarrhoea? Only having a shot worth of this is fantastic, because every drip leaving feels like letting satan poke my pink. Followed immediately after is a 20 second fart that feels like heaven. But all is not well in colon town. Head office has noticed a disturbance. An off balance. Some huge negative feedback loop starts the process of removing this foreign substance from my digestive tract, and starts doing some natural laxative shit to me.
Now I'm feeling waves of discomfort as my bowels rustle and shimmy shit at breakneck speeds to the throne. I'm now a hot mess of shit, vodka, and worry.
But the first wave is over and I'm feeling a little off but okay. So I lay down and rest a bit and think about what I've done.
My mind jumps to the idea of liver failure and within seconds I'm googling the symptoms. But I'm pretty much okay. I rest until I'm ready to go to work and for at least another 30 minutes I'm okay.
But the shits start again when I get to work. More gurgles and stuff make me run for the toilet every little while. I also started feeling a bit bloated, making me think that my liver was backing up and being problematic.
To make a long story shorter, a super fart after many mucusy damaged anus poops made me feel on top of the world. For the four hours there, though, I was certain I shocked my liver to failure or something.
Never doing that again.
TL;DR
---------
I like my butt so I put vodka in my butt. My butt didn't like that and shot it and everything in my poop tubes straight out. I started convincing myself that I triggered super fast acute liver failure and was just waiting for jaundice to be my tell tale doctors trip note. Let a fart out hours later and I'm not dead.
holnrew: Don't worry about your liver, it can't back up or anything. Especially not from one shot of anal vodka. It's the part of our body which is best at repairing itself.
I did some anal wine once, was pretty unpleasant. I can only imagine what vodka would be like.
TooManyVitamins: You...you say this like this is a thing that people do..
Medic_Mouse: Its actually not all that uncommon. I had two such calls when I did just my EMT clinicals.
TooManyVitamins: Oh god. Well, I guess people will truly put anything up their butt.
nicesalamander: But chugging is a thing.
[deleted]: *butt chugging
| 7 | 40.428571 | |
1384582904 | 1384665658 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | NietzscheSolo: TIFU By Sleepwalking While Drunk
So regularly after work, I have some drinks. It's a normal occurrence for me to do and I'll admit I overdo it sometimes and wind up having a blackout. Today though was something that I'm both completely embarrassed about, and slightly fearful of. I was told that after I had fallen asleep I got up and walked out of my room, completely buck naked in front of my house mates and sat down at my computer desk in what would be a dining room area. I picked up an empty paper bag and proceeded to piss in it. My house mates looked on in awe at just how boldly I pissed in said paper bag, and my SO tried guiding me to the bathroom but I wouldn't hear it. Thankfully she cleaned it all up and my housemates are cool about it, just getting a laugh out of it. I have sleep walked occasionally (once maybe every 5 years) but this is the first time I've done anything like this. I feel so fucking stupid I didn't know where to place it, so I'm dropping it here.
livingwithalacrity: At least in your drunken slumber you still tried to politely contain your piss. That's a proud moment.
And good on your girlfriend for attempting to not let you make a fool of yourself and also for cleaning up - I'd say she deserves some sexytime for that.
NietzscheSolo: Yeah, I am grateful for her on that, especially the cleaning up bit.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1384621374 | 1384798476 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | asdfasddfd: TIFU by getting caught giving myself prostate stimulation
It was actually like two weeks ago. I'm in a fraternity, and I am now going to transfer schools because of this incident. I can never tell my parents what really happened and hopefully they will never find out.
Bob_Labla: Fuck frats. I would never get humiliated another man just so I can call him bro. And you can network online no
kites47: You seem to have a very jaded view of what fraternities are. I was never hazed throughout my entire pledge process - we just did tons of really awesome things with the brothers while pledging - we learned the core values/tenets, had challenges, mixers with sororities, community service events, and cool competitions. We had mandatory study hours (my grades improved), lots of incredibly fun parties, and when I got super sick that semester, half the fraternity came to visit me in the hospital. We're a family and we all really care about each other - it's living, partying, studying, and enjoying life with all your best friends.
Bob_Labla: Then maybe generalizing is a better term. Everyone I know went through humiliating hazing periods and were obviously ashamed of the thibgs theyd done.or maybe you were in a study group and not a fraternity
kites47: Nope, definitely in a fraternity. Lambda Chi Alpha (actually the third chapter of Lambda Chi in a school with 40% of students in Greek LIfe). Your school just seems like it has a very toxic Greek community.
Bob_Labla: Kewl dewd
| 6 | 3.833333 | |
1384581472 | 1384663674 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | saybackp4ck: TIFU by losing my phone.
So today I had to go to my former school to request transcripts of my grades. So I wake up and get my shit ready, I plug in my iphone into the living room speakers and listen to some songs while I go take a shower. I get out the shower and get dressed up leave home. This is were I fucked up, I dont know if I had my phone when I left, so now i'm at school getting something printed when I realize I dont have my phone in my pockets. I'm panicking at this point and go home hoping that my phone is still plugged into the speakers at home. Open the door and it's not there, so I most likely dropped it on the way to school. So now I have no phone and I dont know if I should be mad or sad. I tried calling the phone as well and its ringing but no one is answering. Cousin told me that if someone wanted to steal it they would've turned it off and or taken the sim out. Did I mention I dont have the Find my Iphone app? I live in the Philippines, that phone is prolly being sold to some buyer and is going to be in those stalls that sell phones. Imma go cry now.
[deleted]: You might actually have Find my iPhone without knowing it. Having the app installed or not means nothing - that app is only used for viewing the location of another Apple device you may own.
Log in to iCloud.com on a computer (or through the Find my iPhone app on another device) and go to the Find my iPhone page. There's a chance you had it turned on without realizing it.
Edit: other stuff I thought of:
- if you had iOS 7 installed on it, it will be virtually impossible for someone to reactivate the phone after restoring it without your Apple ID and password.
- the fact that the phone rang and just no one picked up is actually a positive sign. If the phone has been destroyed, turned off, or been robbed of its SIM card, the call would go straight to voicemail.
- get onto iCloud.com and turn Lost Mode on ASAP
saybackp4ck: Yeah, I have iOS 7 on it but not the latest version installed. Eventually it stopped ringing when my cousin called, can't tell if it was eventually turned off or ran out of battery.
ATM Lost mode is pending cause it hasn't connected to the internet. I've been informed that its possible to reactivate it? or is it really not?
[deleted]: It could go either way. If someone found it/stole it, when they eventually turn it back on it will activate lost mode and begin reporting its location back to iCloud. I'm glad to hear that Find my iPhone was enabled on your device at all.
Obviously the phone needs to connect to the Internet to report its location back to iCloud, so hopefully it will be turned on at some point.
A new feature of iOS 7 is Activation Lock. This feature essentially prevents a restored iPhone from being reactivated without the Apple ID and password that was previously set up on the device, yours. Its purpose is to negate the main incentive for stealing devices - reselling them.
Good luck!
saybackp4ck: Thank you.
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1384631392 | 1384853237 | null | t5_2to41 | 817 | MSciCSI: TIFU by being nice to my car
So today I was in Costco buying supplies for a family party I was to attend later in the day. I passed by the tyre section of the shop and noticed a beautifully presented case of windscreen wipers. They were good quality ones, Bridgestone, compared to the worn 'imported' eBay ones currently on my car. My current ones were ok, they were a bit noisy but I had no reason to change. I figured I could put something decent on her for once and splurged the £13 ($35) for a set of two.
I got her home and figured I would fit them right away! This is the point when I remember that life isn't fair and no matter what youre doing you'll be able to find a way to fuck it up. So, the first wiper went on no issue. I began on the second. It was a bit more difficult to get off but I got there in the end.
I left to get the new wiper.
There was a light breeze of wind.
The wiper arm fell back down.
My windscreen smashed.
Yeah her £13 upgrade turned into an £80 new windscreen.
The wipers suck too.
TL;DR; don't let gremlins near your car.
misslehead3: I was hoping for a happy story about how it started raining and you stopped in time to save a pregnant mother who started giving birth in the middle of the street which you helped deliver since you are obviously a doctor and all because you spent a little more on new wiper blades.
Then I remembered what sub reddit I am in.
RedRoostur: What subreddit are *those* stories in?!
hurley21: /r/thatHappened
RedRoostur: Just to clarify, those stories are fake, right? Idk if you're being sarcastic or helpful
BarneyBent: Fake? How dare you? That subreddit is an archive of stories that are only the most rigorous recountings of fundamental truth.
TASTY_TASTY_WAFFLES: The founder of the subreddit? Albert Einstein.
[deleted]: And any new subscriber gets $100.
trev1776: Can confirm am $100
moderatelybadass: I'm gonna sign up on my porn account tomorrow! that's two $100, and a pack of condoms...Fuck yeah!
afuckingdoorknocker: Remember 2 $100's is $200
moderatelybadass: I went with "two $100" because it's ridiculous wording, but it makes sense for the reference.
| 12 | 68.083333 | |
1384639262 | 1384651607 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | MrMaxMax: TIFU by asking my girlfriend for a BJ.
Asked if she could give me a BJ with her butt. Didn't know she was on the phone with her mom. Currently single. Yay!
whelp_welp: She broke up with you for that? Damn.
MrMaxMax: Yeah, I think it was her way of justifying it to her mom, even though it was clearly a joke on my part.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1384639568 | 1385461043 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | tapittuco: TIFU by having drunk sex.
I know, you've never heard that before...Anyway, it was last night, my wife got a promotion and we decided, "Friday night, why not get drunk?". So that was the case.
I think it was about 1 A.M. (maybe 1:30 ish A.M.), and we stumble up the stairs to our new apartment, first thing I go do is take a piss, naturally. As I open the door there she is, just a shirt on, and through my blurred vision, I make out what appears to be something around her waist...her strap-on.
She starts pushing me back into the bed with supernatural strength and pushed me backwards onto the bed and ripped off my jeans, and-fucked me like never before...without any lube. I felt like Jonah Hill (only less fat) in "This is the End", now there's usually nothing wrong-but once again, **she didn't use any lube**, no spit either.
After she had her way with me, I lied on that bed, writhing in pain because she treated my ass like no man I've been with (oh, I'm bisexual if you haven't picked that up yet, but I do know of some straight men who let their girlfriends/wives peg them) and at the same time in a "the best orgasm I've had in my life [*so far*]" coma. I fell off the bed and was lying on the cold floor when she threw a towel at me and said: "Use this to clean up you filthy whore."
The next thing I remember is stumbling to my truck and heading off to work. When I got there some friend who lives below us (unfortunately) was teasing me and bothering the shit out of me (HA! Not likely, oh the burning...) to tell the two other guys in the office why I was walking so weird when I shouted (without the knowledge of my boss entering right behind us) "OKAY! MY WIFE FUCKED ME RAW!"
A quick reprimand later^and^an^icepackthatisn'tprovingtohelp, I'm here sharing my dilemma with beautiful redditors of the world who might find this entertaining.
edit: i dont know how i forgot but i did anyway, i do remember that i hurled before i passed out last night. ~~cant wait to get home to clean that up.~~
OneTimesMore2003: I'm straight but my wife has pegged me a couple of times before and I thoroughly enjoyed but after reading your story I think i will avoid drunk pegging in the future LOL
[deleted]: >Straight
>Being pegged
Pick one and only one
[deleted]: >ANAL_GAPER2
flantaclause: because ANAL_GAPER was already taken
| 5 | 5.2 | |
1384644492 | 1384767815 | null | t5_2to41 | 114 | [deleted]: TIFU by sharting on myself in starbucks after starting my period
TheENdIsNear
poohspiglet: A couple things. First, if you're bleeding between periods, that could be the sign of an illness down there. You might want to get yourself checked out. Second, next time just pretend to spill your coffee and voila, the stain alibi is created. "Dang, me so clumsy!" Good job on the cleanup though, you handled it well. Never trust a fart.
KennyFulgencio: *stranger looking at puddle on bright yellow love seat*
"Why was there so much blood in the coffee you just spilled!?"
Morkai: "You mean you don't get ground up baby in your mochafrappecino? You gotta try it."
| 4 | 28.5 | |
1384645783 | 1384741018 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,625 | gozenurhole: TIFU By thinking my boyfriend was proposing to me.
So my boyfriend and I are getting ready to lay down and he tells me to make the bed. (Because I move around a lot in my sleep and mess up the bedding.) The lights are already off and I go to make the bed. As I am moving the covers around, I notice what looks like a small box, a small RING box. My heart stops, and he says "what IS that?" I'm all "I don't know..." and I pick it up, full of emotions, about to cry. ...It's the charging port to his phone charger. Apparently he thought I was going to propose to him too because he really didn't know what it was. I'm an idiot.
TL;DR I mistook a phone charging port for an engagement ring box and got emotional for nothing.
LevyWife: well at least now he knows you're open to the idea of him proposing :D
Ouaouaron: I think when a phone charger causes both of the people in the relationship to think the other one is proposing to them, it's a pretty good sign that they're going to be married.
Either that, or they're both waiting for the other person to do it.
Cerealkillr95: Or they're both worried that the other might and don't want to get married.
Ouaouaron: OP didn't seem to have bad reaction, at least.
Jrook: What are you talking about? She almost cried
Ouaouaron: Crying just means that there's a lot of emotion, and can easily be good or bad. To me, the whole phrase "full of emotions, about to cry" didn't seem like it would be used by someone whose reaction was negative.
Jrook: Ya iwas being facetious
Ouaouaron: Well, it did make me reevaluate whether I could truly count on my interpretation, and I probably can't. At least you were useful.
| 9 | 180.555556 | |
1384653751 | 1384970834 | null | t5_2to41 | 43 | emopanda18: TIFU by trying to zip my boyfriend's penis.
I will preface this by saying that I currently live with other people. And we were in the living room.
Today my boyfriend came over to hang out and watch TV. Nothing out of the ordinary until things start to get heated. Eventually I decide that I want to give a blowjob. The best way to do it was to unzip and pull it out. I begin to get to work when suddenly I hear a key in the door. Shit. Someone is home and about to walk in on said blowjob. I did the logical thing and try to put it away. I think its in and rush to zip his pants.
It stopped.
All I heard was "You bitch!" as he cupped himself and tried to zip up properly.
Didn't get caught. At least there wasn't blood... just the tip.
I later made up for it with a proper blowup.
TL:DR: rushed to zip his pants up to avoid getting caught in the middle of a blowjob, zipped up his dick.
Edit: to avoid some comments... we use the phrase "you bitch" jokingly... I think he was just surprised and trying to make a joke.
TIFU
Flonase101: Let the man handle the hiding of the penis next time. My god the pseudo-pain I am feeling right now....
emopanda18: I later allowed him to do it. That was the first and last time I did it.
| 3 | 14.333333 | |
1384660484 | 1384750037 | null | t5_2to41 | 71 | ScorpioEverlast: TIFU by making change for a FAKE $50 @ the local mall. Still won!
So, there I was just sitting on a bench at my local mall minding my own business. Partaking in one of my favorite hobbies of people-watching.
about 10 minutes in a black prob 17-20 y/o set down not next to me but within conversational distance. After about 5 more minutes, a few of his friends came and chatted with him about Lebron vs Kobe, shoes, weed, ect ect ( typical black guy conversations ). Not 2 minutes after his friends left, he spoke up and asked me: "Hey man, you wouldn't happen to have change for a $50 would you"? I replied without hesitation: "IDK, let me check".
Now for some background. I usually am pretty quick-minded with situations. I pay attention to my surroundings. I often eves-drop into conversations taking place around me. And usually always keep myself out of precarious situations. BUT NOT TODAY!
I knew I had just cashed my payroll check a few hours ago and kept some cash on me. I knew I had a few $20s but didn't know if I could make the remaining $10. After a quick check in my wallet, I had the money in hand. 2 $20's, a $5, and 5 $1's. We traded bills and immediately I knew the bill wasn't right. The feel was wrong. So instantly placed it up against another bill and it was smaller in dimension. I then checked for the watermarks and there were none to be found. I instantly said to him: "NO, I believe this bill is fake and I want my money back". what took place next was a slow but steady escalation right in the middle of a crowded mall.
He stood up and stated: "Its not fake, I just got it from a store in change and need to break it to pay a friend back." I stood up and blocked his progress of walking away. when we both stood up I realized what I was up against. This kid was a good 6 inches taller than me, easily 50lbs on me and at this point, angry that I had confronted/trapped him.
Now I new that @ this point he was NOT getting out of my presence, NO MATTER WHAT! I also knew that it was his word against mine but that if worse came to worse, that we were or at least should be being recorded via CCTV.
I again stated: "this bill is fake and I want my money back NOW and you can walk away or I am calling security". He then said: "go ahead, you have the bill. Its your word against mine. You think they are going to believe me because I'm black and you're white?" At this point I was getting pissed but had to keep my calmness or shit could get out of hand fast!
Immediately I yelled in a stern voice "SECURITY". We were within Earshot of the guest services booth thankfully and I know at least a half dozen people were watching at this point. He said: "Hey man, I just got that. I didn't know it was fake. Let me go get them." I said, No, its too late. I gave you the chance and you passed". and Yelled "SECURITY" once more.
By this time, he was very nervous and trying numerous times to leave but i had him partially cornered between the bench we where on, a kiosk selling hair supplies, and the wall. I glanced over his shoulder and seen a very large man in a suit walking our way. The gentleman asked: "what seems to be the issue" and the kid tried to split once more and I sternly said: "Do not let him leave!"
by this time a few more "mall cops" arrived and separated us and got both stories. I repeated what had happened while he still attempted to leave again. The man on the suit told him he was being retained and called for local PD. Not a minute later I repeated the incident to the officer. The officer then spoke with the kid. He obtained the bill from me and looked it over and stated it was def a fake. The kid tried to play dumb not knowing about the water marks and such.
The officer didn't buy it, obtained the kids ID, spoke on his radio, then asked me how I would like to proceed. I told him that I gave him the option to get out of it and he passed. I asked the officer if he had the right to search the kid. He said NO. I then stated that he could have more bad bills on him. The officer then went back to the kid and asked for consent to search him. Like a scared kid, he said yes. The officer did a quick scan then took his wallet and sure enough. 4 more FAKE $50's! needless to say, the ball is in my court!
The officer immediately arrested the kid and read him his rights! HE was pissed!! cussing and yelling obscenities at me.
It was at this time that a was flooded with different emotions. Knowing I fucked up by trying to be a good patron. The potential for the situation to end way worse for me. And the overwhelming feeling that I did right by standing my ground and busting this asshole!
I immediately went and got a soda to cure my crazy cotton mouth and left the mall. Now, a few hours later. looking back, The way I handled the situation has given me a great deal of confidence in my ability to handle a situation with a stranger. I do know this feeling could very well one day make things worse for my but for now, I feel great! but I still FUCKED UP!
TL;DR: Offered to make change for a fake $50 for a stranger @ the mall. realized immediatly. Security and Police busted kid for Fake bills!! Day made!
free_the_robots: Basketball, shoes, and weed are in typical black guy conversations? Racist.
Tahin: I wouldn't go so far as to cry "racist!", but
>( typical black guy conversations )
does sound kind of judgemental.
ScorpioEverlast: Well if they were discussing the gold prices or the stock market it may have been different. Again, not racist... Just an observation
irGoodman: I liked how you were like "yeah a black sat next to me" and I had to wait to find out if this black was male or female.
| 5 | 14.2 | |
1384676204 | 1384714232 | null | t5_2to41 | 88 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting nostalgic while searching for a picture of my butt
Earlier today I was feeling an abnormal amount of foine ^^^^(fineasfuck) so I decided to take a few high quality, classy ass photos. I guess I could probably refer to them as what they truly were, sexting pics. Pictures to be made use of on a later date.. Basically they were going to be the pictures of my butt that I keep on reserve just in case I have a fat day.
I digress. I uploaded a few to my computer, went to go put them in my secret folder labeled "Jack-and-Jill.mkv" and I could not find them. I had no idea where these little digital fuckers went. It was my fault. I know I was responsible but fuck you microsoft. Fuck you Obama. Fuck you whale. They were RIGHT THERE uploading onto my desktop. NOPE not anymore.
I begin to look through all of my photos. Mind you, there are a shit ton of photos. I am that asshole that takes a camera everywhere. I was stumbling upon some old stuff that got me feeling all nostalgic. I had now forgotten about the search for my ass as I dug deeper into the memories.
Everything was lovely. Until I found a video of my grandmother's last birthday from last year. I debated whether or not to press play but I couldn't help myself. I watched and cried. I cried and sobbed. My anxiety decided to rear it's ugly head and I felt as if I was going to literally shit emotions. There were so many things happening. I closed all the windows on my computer and laid my head down on my keyboard.
That's when my roommate/ex boyfriend ^^^^^don't ^^^^^tell ^^^^^me ^^^^^how ^^^^^to ^^^^^live ^^^^^my ^^^^^life walked in to see if I was alright. I looked up at him only to notice his very odd facial expression. It was one of a very very confused man. I started to explain through the sobbing what I just watched as he just sort of.. didn't know what to do I guess... So he slowly just closed my door and left. I composed myself and turn around to see that there is a slideshow of my brand new reserve ass pics taking up my very large screen. Tears still streaming down my face, I stare into my own ass for a moment thinking about what I have done.
I guess the pictures ended up on my desktop but just took forever to show up. I am still unsure of how this all escalated. ^My ^^asspics ^^^looked ^^^^pretty ^^^^^great ^^^^^so ^^^^^I've ^^^^^got ^^^^^that ^^^^^going ^^^^^for ^^^^^me.
This is the end of my story. I need to go explain myself now.
**TL;DR Found memories of my dead grandmother, stared at my ass and cried.
ApeOver: Oi, sad to hear about your grandma. : /
I can't think of any wise sage advice or any amusing quotes that'd help you so here's a photo I hope would put a smile on your face.
http://images.huffingtonpost.com/gen/26509/original.jpg
ScramblePoo: Oi m8 well sorry
| 3 | 29.333333 | |
1384687966 | 1384723457 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | grubas: TIFU by having a pint
Been getting treated for IBS and GERD since it went insane recently. My doctor put me on new meds, I had one pint of cider and have spent the entire night shitting my brains out and nauseated to the point where I can't sleep. When I sit up I dry heave, when I poop I dry heave. I am having epic farts that smell so bad they make me gag. Haven't eaten since noon yesterday. He told me not to drink, I figured one pint couldn't hurt. It hurts, it very much hurts.
BULBASAURINTHETARDIS: I hate GERD so much man D: I feel your pain. I hope you're feeling better.
grubas: Yeah, I stopped throwing up like 3 hours ago and have been steadily intaking Pedialyte. What I hate the most about it is the crippling gut pain that stays, I probably won't be able to sleep much tonight.
BULBASAURINTHETARDIS: Aw man, hope you feel better. Get some sleep.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1384699449 | 1384731084 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | anus_ice_cream: TIFU and missed a chance to have sex with the girl I was seeing.
So this wasn't actually today but about a month ago. I was talking to this girl and we agreed to go to homecoming together. We were getting along well and things were going nicely and I was excited about going with her. She's very attractive and I figured I had a good chance of getting laid. Sorry for being crude but I'm in high school, can you really blame me? So anyway the night progresses and we have our dances and it's time to go to a friends house for a small get together/sleepover.
There are five of us; myself, my date, her friend, her gay friend, and her other friend. We start playing Truth or Dare to be as cliche as possible, and my date and I are the only ones doing dares. I see her talking to her friend and the next time her friend dares her to do something it is this "I dare you to show us the photos in the locked part of your phone". Yeah buddy. I was the only straight male there so she just gave it to me. Titties, they were pictures of her titties and they made me feel happy inside. Now this isn't a story about how I got a raging hard-on and looked like an idiot. This is the story of how I didn't realize that she was trying to get the point across that she wanted to have sex. All the signs were there, flirting, kissing, everything but I just couldn't convince myself that she was ready.
Today is when I found out how much I fucked up. We decided to just be friends because things kinda fizzled out shortly after homecoming and yesterday we were talking pretty seriously. She told me that she really wanted to do it that night and couldn't understand why I wasn't willing to make a move. I felt like such an idiot and I realize that I blew a big opportunity.
**TL:DR** I am not a smart man
lostdeceiver: Better luck next time!
waffleboy159: Better fuck next time!
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1384712022 | 1385369309 | null | t5_2to41 | 360 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving porn open on my pc
Not a big problem right, it is when your mom sees it and I was downstairs. So I got a message on whatsapp: "Do you watch often porn?" from her. I am freaking out right now, no idea what to send back or say. We just ate and it was uncomfortable.
Suggestions are appreciated.
Sir_Dude: Ah, have a seat young one, I shall tell you a true story of myself, 'my' porn, and my parents.
It all began one fateful summer night at the tender young age of 15. I had not yet discovered masturbation and, with strict parental controls on the family computer, had only seen the nude female form in educational and medical contexts. I was a sheltered young lad, to say the least, but that was about to change for the better.
As I say, It was a quiet afternoon at the Dude residence, my father being out of town on a business trip, when I wandered into my parents' room to collect some laundry. My mother was folding laundry on her bed and I noticed, across the room and lying under a dresser was: The Magazine. The Magazine was upside down, so all I saw was the rear cover; however, something about The Magazine called out to me. I felt my legs moving my body across the room as I picked up the magazine and saw the front cover, I had hit pay dirt. It was a bona fide 'Playboy Magazine.' (It was the April 2003 issue, [Carmella DeCasare](http://www.chitramala.in/img2/2009/09/carmella-decesare300.jpg)(Link semi NSFW), I will never forget...)
My luck did not last as my mother was upon me in nanoseconds, wrenching The Magazine from my apparently unworthy fingers. I had managed to open it and glimpsed, for a short time, the majestic wonders of the nude female form in a sexual context.
She shooed me from the room and told me "Sir_Dude, you aren't old enough to be looking at things like this." Her words had no effect, I had become infected with... Porn Madness.
I sat in my room for several minutes, my mind consumed with only one thought: Get. That. Magazine.
I heard the door to her bedroom close and I silently scrambled to the door, knowing she was gullible and trusting enough to leave the room unattended while she went to make dinner. I began searching the room like a silent cat burglar, intent on finding The Magazine. I swept aside the bed-skirt and found not one, but 6 Playboy Magazines. I stared at them in slack jawed fascination and began to flip though them with the grace of a crack addict preparing his next fix.
O. M. F. G. ...**boobies**.
And just as the Porn Madness had brought me to find these 6 sacred texts, it betrayed me as I pored over them, oblivious to my mother's approaching footsteps. She ejected me from the room and gathered the sacred texts in a bag. I followed like a man possessed as she walked downstairs and into the garage. She then locked the bag containing the precious texts in her car. My nose sadly pressed against the glass, I knew I had lost this round, but she was sadly mistaken if she thought I would allow The Magazine to be lost forever.
Later that evening, she took the family dog for a walk and was smart enough to take her car keys with her. Luckily for me, I knew where she kept a spare. I opened the car and liberated The Magazine from its horrendous confines. While Porn Madness had incapacitated me a short time ago, I was now (just an hour later) learning to control it. I took The Magazine to my room. I had a special hiding place where my mother could not find it. What was best, she did not even know I had taken The Magazine as I had left the other 5 in the car. She would assume that if I had accessed them, I would have taken all of them.
Years before, my parents had remodeled the kitchen, which was directly beneath my bedroom. In the process, they had removed the wall through which the clothes chute passed. The opening of the clothes chute remained as it was in my bedroom, but was sealed at the bottom. The shaft was just the right length that I could insert my arm and touch the new floor. It was in this place that I hid The Magazine. This served as a faithful hiding spot for many months.
Some weeks later. I arrived home from school earlier than normal, in the day's mail I found another Playboy Magazine. (According to my parents, one of their friends took out the subscription for my dad as a joke). From this, my collection was born.
Later that year, I received word that a man from the bank was going to be visiting our home for an appraisal. My father explained that I needed to perform a serious cleaning of my room because the banker was going to be inspecting everything that had changed after the kitchen remodeling. At this moment, I knew they would find the sacred Magazines I had hidden in the sealed clothes chute. I decided to relocate them temporarily in the interests of safety.
I chose to hide them between my mattress, knowing that the appraiser would not check there and I could return the sacred texts once he had gone. Unfortunately, I became complacent with the new hiding place and decided the magazines could remain there indefinitely.
This was a beneficial arrangement until one day I returned home from school to find my bed had been placed on the driveway alongside a large amount of plastic sheeting. My parents stood in the kitchen with amused looks on their faces.
"Well Sir_Dude, today we decided to buy a King size bed for our room and we moved our old Queen size bed into your room... and then we took yours outside."
"Oh. Cool.." I said knowing what was coming next.
"Sir_Dude, we found the magazines." said my mother, with a knowing grin on her face.
I retreated to my new Queen sized bed to lament the loss of the sacred texts with one small consolation. I could always steal more when they arrived in the mail.
And so it was that I pilfered more whenever I found them, eventually striking solid gold with the arrival of Playboy's 50th Anniversary Edition.
This went on for years until, at a long last, in the dreary cold winter of 2006, I felt the desire to cast my gaze upon some boobies once more. It had been several weeks since I had handled the sacred texts, having been too busy to extract them from their hiding spot: beneath a drawer on the inside of my dresser.
As I removed the drawer, I realized that I had been defeated once again. The sacred texts had been removed, all that remained was a typewritten page of paper with the following written upon it:
"Sir_Dude,
The theft of mail is a Federal Felony punishable with heavy fines and several years in prison.
Further theft will result in serious consequences.
Love,
Your Mom and Dad."
EDIT: wording, grammar, link
tl;dr: I stole porn, my parents stole it back.
Vigilax: 11/10 Would read sequel.
A4o_Sc0uTeR: make this happen.
Freezing_Dart: No no no. A movie... Sir_Dude and The Legend of The Sacred Texts.
| 5 | 72 | |
1384706515 | 1384756736 | null | t5_2to41 | 68 | BurpleNurple: TIFU by laughing at a WWI powerpoint.
Okay, this was actually last week. But I was too busy fucking up other things to put my initial fuck-up into words.
It was Veterans Day at my school. Each year, we celebrate by inviting any parents/grandparents/great-grandparents/you-get-the-point to come to the ceremony. We sing some dramatic ***fuck yes America*** songs, have a few snotty middle schoolers speak, and give a slideshow on all the most recent wars in which the U.S. has been fighting.
So, the elementary school kids were all getting up from the bleachers to stand in front of us and sing a song. They walked single file behind their teachers. They looked like little ducklings with an insatiable eagerness in their eyes, an eagerness to sing about our country. Just kidding. They were really cute, though.
The kindergarten kids were walking up last, since they are obviously the cutest. Some kept getting distracted by the crowd, stopping to gaze upon the numerous high schoolers staring at them, having to be gently nudged by their teachers to keep walking.
This one girl, though. She was trying to walk in a straight line while simultaneously staring at the scary high schoolers. Needless to say, hilarity ensued. The girl fell RIGHT OVER on her face. I'd say you had to have been there, but I swore in that moment it sounded just like a giant 50-pound pancake belly-flopping into a pool of pure liquefied giggles. Just... FLOP. PLOP. SMACK. That girl went DOWN.
Unfortunately for me, this occurred at a rather unfortunate time: the kids had been walking up to sing while one of said snobby middle schoolers was reading off statistics about WWI. There were graphic pictures on the screen, too.
I started *dying*.
Shit is so much funnier when you're not supposed to be laughing at it, too.
After the initial burst of uncontrollable laughter, I kept snorting little giggles during the subsequent slide on WWII each time I thought about how I wasn't supposed to be laughing about that fucking kid. It sounded like I was giggling over how many casualties we had in WWII. Gah.
***TL;DR: I fucked up by being unable to control my laughter over a child who tripped during a Veterans' Day ceremony.***
[deleted]: I would have laughed too. You didn't fuck up that much
Kendo16: At least he has the freedom to fuck up here.
platetone: that's the kind of freedom they hate us for
| 4 | 17 | |
1384672721 | 1384735067 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | blackcoffeecyclist: TIFU by getting into a fender bender.
1. Be a valet.
2. Reverse into another car.
(1st ever offense-very minor damage)
3. Boss's boss angry over recent influx of wrecks.
4. Job is on the line.
(According to my boss I'll probably lose it.)
BEST PART
Getting married in 53 days and my fiance and I are paying for our wedding.
whelp_welp: Man, it sure sucks to be the straw that broke the camel's back. Maybe ask your boss if you can pay for the damages?
blackcoffeecyclist: No way could I afford that. The cars involved were a mercedes and a lexus.
I just wait now.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1384715119 | 1384747249 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,781 | banginchoonz: TIFU By touching my friend's boob after she grabbed my crotch.
Context: she and I have a weird friendship where we exchange filthy innuendos and whatnot all the time.
We were at a nightclub last night. She walked up behind me and grabbed my crotch. I don't mean a light squeeze, she full-on went in there.
I, thinking we were just joking, returned the favour, and grabbed her breast.
She freaked the fuck out. She slapped me, and now refuses to speak to me. I immediately apologised, again and again, but she just blanked me. Her friends said 'you pig, you pervert' etc.
Again, I tried to apologise to her, but all she said was 'don't *ever* do that again,' and I've not heard from her since.
**Edit:** Thanks for the support guys (and especially gals.) I know this story reads like something straight out of /r/circlejerk, but it is 100% true.
An update, for those who've asked. We still haven't spoken, and I doubt we will. We live far apart - she lives in the UK, I live in France; I was just back for the weekend to catch up with friends - and so we don't really see each other often. Losing her as a friend means two things: a 80% drop in sexy banter on Facebook, and one less person to see whenever I visit home.
Again, thanks to you all, especially the ladies. Everyone who got Gold deserved it. <3
Release_the_KRAKEN: Your friend sounds like a bitch and I don't know why you apologized. You didn't fuck up at all. *She* did.
banginchoonz: If in doubt, apologise to the scary angry girl, just in case.
ICANSEEYOUFAPPING: Guys always apologize when I'm mad. Even if they were in no part involved/have no idea why i'm raging and just had the misfortune of walking into it.
Is that a common rational for men?
Halfawake: It's a part of the whole double standards gender cycle.
* 1) Woman is angry about something
* 2) Man apologizes
* 3) Woman unconsciously trained that she can get her way by being angry
* 4) Man internally dismisses woman as not being able to reason
* 5) Increase both parties ignorance score
* 6) Worse communication & increased ignorance woman angry, go to step one.
ICANSEEYOUFAPPING: See my opinion from a woman's perspective, and this is only a reflection of my own personal experience and in no way applies to my gender as a whole, is there is the accepted preconceived notion that men are just more predisposed to be inconsiderate, or forgetful, or overall need a bit of guidance. That its just in their very nature to be bulls in the fucking china shop that is women's expectations. And i don't agree with that.
BUT, in the instances when i have gotten mad at a guy, the majority of the time they genuinely are shocked or clueless over what i'm mad about.
And usually for me its a complete and valid reason to be upset and when i wait to be calm enough to explain it to my SO at the time, they usually seem to agree or understand, and it seems genuine not like they're just trying to appease me. But then eventually they do what made me mad again and I don't say anything and just accept its something they do until it happens consistently enough that i pop again and we repeat the process. And you would think just being more persistent in reminding guys not to do the things you've already talked about thats not cool, but then theres the stigma that voicing your genuine concerns or feelings is going to be dismissed as just nagging.
So lack of communication is definitely an issue, but it can be partly because when women communicate men are already conditioned to be dismissive of them.
Idk, i would actually like to know a man's feelings towards how they feel women react when they try to talk things out.
centurijon: I think every time I've been accused of a "repeat offense" it was the same thing in her mind, but I had perceived it as not being the same.
Whereas every time I have accused someone of a "repeat offense" I always made sure that it was the *exact* same thing, or I treated it as a new issue.
> eventually they do what made me mad again and I don't say anything and just accept its something they do until it happens consistently enough that i pop again
This is a big part of why it happens. When you first get upset about it, it shows that it is a real concern for you. You've established a kind of behavioral contract.
Event => she gets upset => she must not like it.
Now, the event shouldn't happen again, but mistakes happen, so it does. But now you accept it, worse, you ignore it. You've reneged your contract and left ambiguous how you actually feel about the event.
Event => nothing => it's not a big deal?.
If something bothers you, then it should consistently bother you, otherwise it doesn't really bother you.
**tl;dr:** If your responses aren't consistent, then your concerns aren't consistent
ICANSEEYOUFAPPING: I tried to explain why I would leave something alone until I can't tolerate it anymore, I don't know if you glossed over that part or not but again, its difficult ( i think for anyone) to be consistent in reminding people not to do something if the other party already has the preconceived idea that the person complaining is just looking for a reason to complain or is in other words, just nagging.
CapgrasX13: You did clearly explain why you don't try to "nag" but he gave the perfect explanation of why that's an ineffective means of communication. I think the most important part of any relationship is obviously communication, and if you communicate that something bothers you once but then either fail to or choose not to communicate the same thing next time, you're sending a mixed message. If you just let something go, then that means it's okay. Even if you got mad about it before. If something is okay this time, then it will be okay next time, and the time after that. You can't tell a man that something is not okay, then that it is, and then that it's not - you come off as both irrational and neurotic. I'm not saying you *are* either of those things, but that's how it will be interpreted every single time.
TL;DR - Say shit that's on your mind
ICANSEEYOUFAPPING: I completely understand what he was saying.
I was explaining why someone might not be consistent in reminding their SO not to do something, not excusing it.
Both comments are just reiterating what I said, which is communication is key. I'm just trying to share why woman (or men) might not consistently remind someone not to do something.
I mean, no one likes repeating themselves.
Edit: Also, if you hear something enough it begins to lose all meaning.
CapgrasX13: Fair enough.
Your previous comment made it sound like you were dismissing his on the grounds of him not reading your original comment, but obviously that wasn't your intention, so never mind. It really bothers me when people make that particular allegation frivolously.
ICANSEEYOUFAPPING: No problem =]
CapgrasX13: Civility on the internet. It's nice, isn't it?
| 13 | 137 | |
1384715489 | 1384765908 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | frenzix: TIFU By having first time Anal with my wife and breaking her bits. NSFW
We were both into it and have never gone this far. She was guiding the ship in the night and decided it was going to port south. Me being the romantic went along for the journey, always up for a new experience. Well it was right in there and I was going hammer and tongs. Next day she's not feeling too good and will have to go to the DR for a checkup - me feel bad now.
[deleted]: why must you write like such a dick.
frenzix: Because it was my penis pressing the keys
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1384715350 | 1384732430 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by shagging a random girl without realising she'll start working the same place I do next week...
FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
[deleted]: Doesn't matter; had sex.
Omgcorgitracks: Someone down voted you because they didn't get the reference :( and if you're reading this now and still don't go up look "i just had sex" by lonely island. Akon has a nice feature in it.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1384727512 | 1384749057 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by cockblocking my friend
So this happened yesterday not today.
I went to a party with some friends from my old school to catch and there i see one of my old friends- talking to a girl (who had just moved into my former school) so i walk up to them
and talk to them for like half an hour before making a couple rpunds to meet other people, turns out he was trying to get her to go out with him or at least hook up with her and i totally ruined that shit for him.I feel like such a fucking ass hole and have no idea how to apologize.
[deleted]: you ruined his chances by chatting for half an hour? what kind of retarded friend do you have that thinks that shit wasn't on him?
[deleted]: The girl ended up walking away from him after i left and he was using liquid courage that night to finally seal the deal
travisgriggs: Naw. You did nothing wrong. If she was in to him, he would have had no problem picking right back up where they left off. If anything, having friends come up and talk to you makes you look *better* in the eyes of the girl.
She probably just had to pee or something. If he couldn't even resume a conversation after a slight interruption, there's no way he was going to hook up with her.
BTW, Cockblocking would have been if *you* had walked off with the girl he was attempting to hit on.
| 4 | 2 | |
1384732198 | 1384776605 | null | t5_2to41 | 104 | FailedFenceJumper: TIFU and tried to jump a fence
So, I was walking home from work today. The gate around my apartment complex was broken because some dumbass wrecked into it, and I really didn't want to miss my show, so I decided to climb on a nearby dumpster and jump the fence. Smart, I know.
Somehow, the fence hooked my thong. When I jumped down, it ripped my underwear right out of my pants, but not before I got the mother of all hanging wedgies.
I dropped to the ground. To quote Lonely Island, my butthole was on FIRE. The cooch didn't feel very good either. Basically, everything between my legs = :-(
It really freakin' HURT, so I lied there for a minute, holding my crotch and ass, underwear fluttering gracefully above me. Eventually, I pulled myself up, grabbed the panties, and ran back to my apartment.
My b-hole still hurts a little when I sit down.
lostdeceiver: Ouch... What show?
FailedFenceJumper: Once Upon a Time...
mgriff2k4: Worth it.
| 4 | 26 | |
1384736732 | 1384834142 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | Addrian: TIFU by standing in a bonfire on a dare
Cute girl told me it would be badass if I stood in the fire, I'd had a few beers and was feeling invincible an lo' and behold, I am. but the dare was for 30 seconds and before I knew it she'd left. I'm still fire proof. But I never even got her name.
lostdeceiver: Sounds like her plan to ditch you worked.
Addrian: I only knew one person at that party, and hadn't even spoken to her before that moment.
wangfaye: Sounds like a douchebag.
Addrian: me or her.
kinjjibo: Her, dude. You're just a dingus for doing that.
kuavi: Dingus and the Douche.
Someone please make this a movie.
Addrian: as long as we get to rate it X.
| 8 | 4.25 | |
1384737623 | 1385348262 | null | t5_2to41 | 105 | drtygrl: TIFU Sexy Times **(NSFW)**
So, let me just preface this by saying, I'm fine this happens occasionally.
I woke up this morning around 8am, my hubs had said last night he wanted to sleep in this morning so he could stay up later tonight to watch football (Go Chiefs!) so I let him rest while I laid in bed finishing a book I had started and surfing around on Reddit for a bit. When I tried to get up to go pee I had quite a solid case of vertigo and bounced off the wall a few times getting to the toilet. I didn't think anything of it, like I said it happens. Around noon, I wake him up to go get some breakfast and some snack supplies for the game.
He apparently woke up frisky, so he rolled over and started fingering me. Vertigo be damned, I am not turning down a frisky hubs. I let him continue for a few minutes, enjoying the attention. He sits up to reposition himself and I take that opportunity to give him a little mouth hug. In the process of sitting up too quickly (I know better than to do that when I'm already dizzy, I'm a nurse, yada yada) the room started spinning again. I, not being deterred from wanting to get some morning action, proceeded to go to town on his dick. No problem so far. I start to try to seductively slip off my panties and that's where I fucked up.
The room spun, I fell over sideways (not sexy) and I ended up with a muscle cramp from the odd way I landed tangled up in my lacy undies. Me being my usual graceful and sexy self ended up in a complete giggle fit, like I was a 12 year old girl. That really was the end my getting any dick this morning. My husband, god love him, is just watching the Stumbilina Olympics going on by his man bits, hoping I don't flail into him and take him down with me. At this point I have to just give up on getting lucky and just take care of him. At least we both had a good laugh and one of us got off.
He still hasn't stopped laughing about the scene I made this morning.
tl;dr I tried to hop a ride on some morning wood and fell off.
edit: minus words
IntensePancakes: There was one too much "hubs" in that post
drtygrl: Good point. The vertigo is still scrambling my brain.
[deleted]: >Dogo inotp. Het tgveoir is siltl cabigsrmln ym birna
I'm sorry, what? :(
| 4 | 26.25 | |
1384742512 | 1384799636 | null | t5_2to41 | 188 | [deleted]: TIFU by calling my girlfriend the wrong name in bed.
I have been dating my girlfriend for over two years. We have a very close group of friends, and she has always been jealous of one other girl (we'll call her Katie). There have been several episodes, usually while drunk, where she breaks down because she thinks I like Katie. Last night we were hammered drunk at a party, and it happened again. After a long time convincing her that I don't have feelings for Katie (which is not completely true, but I would never do anything about it), we made up and went upstairs. In the middle of sex, my dumbass yells out "Oh Katie!" I was not even thinking about Katie during sex, it just slipped out. I don't completely remember what happened after that, but we woke up this morning and acted like nothing happened. I'm not sure if she remembers or not since we were both pretty drunk, but I hate myself for doing that.
acrosonic: I called a boyfriend the wrong name during sex. I realized it immediately opened my eyes to see if he realized it. There was no reaction. Then I realized they were both named Scott. True story. Lucky night
Simplerdayz: [How I imagine you'd tell this story IRL.](http://i.imgur.com/Stjp4OC.jpg)
acrosonic: I am that smooth.
| 4 | 47 |
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