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1384764304 | 1384766415 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | poopyflavouredlolly: TIFU by sending an /r/nosleep story to my girlfriend
OH MY FUCK... am I retarded?
Lately, I have been obsessed with reading the top r/nosleep posts of all time. I have a girlfriend who aspires to be a writer and is into horror movies so I figured I would send her one of my favourite series-posts. Let me give you a rundown of how the r/nosleep story goes...
**SPOILERS** Basically, a health care worker is investigating the files of some strange mental patients of a hospital. Among the patients is an anorexic who becomes so desperate for food that she kills a man and eats his brains. Another patient is an ex-student who obsesses over a writing competition that could win her a full ride scholarship, stays up for days on end, and finally has a hallucination which causes her to kill two people. There are also other patients whose stories all come together in the the end to create a huge mind fuck. I recommend it to those who aren't squeamish
**SPOILERS END**
The kicker- my girlfriend is an ex-anorexic, insomniac, full-time student writer...
FUCK
I guess I was so caught up in my awe of the collective story that I forgot about some of the not-so-minor details. I didn't shit myself today luckily, r/tifu, but this clean up might take longer.
[r/nosleep post here]
(http://www.reddit.com/r/nosleep/comments/13ty8f/eating_disorder)
**TLDR** -Reminded girlfriend of her shitty past and potentially gave her new anxieties.
SoyPopo: Have you actually asked her about it? You say potentially, your girlfriend may be absolutely fine dude.
poopyflavouredlolly: She's being a good sport about it. She said it was "just a little triggering" but I mean, what the fuck brain. I still feel bad about it and have obviously apologized.
SoyPopo: Good on the both of you :) Good guy OP
| 4 | 10 | |
1384767438 | 1384784417 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | Sorrow27: TIFU when I slipped up after a while
It had been a while since I had seen porn and I feel that my wife and I were reconnecting. We had recently had sex again and it was better than I could have hoped. But something in me wondered as it did when I was a teenager and I looked at porn again. I had planned on telling her that it happened but she saw a saved pic before I could say anything.
SoyPopo: I'm not in any type of relationship, let alone married but don't heaps of married folk watch porn? Who really cares?
Sorrow27: Because I want to keep that between me and my wife. Ii disrespects her and I don't want that by any means
Daylen: Talk about it with her. I've been in a similar situation; sex not too satisfying, porn has some kinky shit she'd never agree on doing, need some alone time. Whatever the reason, she'll have to accept it or be willing to help you fix it. It's a difficult problem, she can't exactly start being you personal hooked, but she could very well please you in other ways that make porn useless. Even if she gives you a handjob when you need it instead of having sex she'd be doing both of you a pleasure
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1384777426 | 1384780881 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | IAskAboutPorn: TIFU When my penis started bleeding while masturbating.
On the glans, apparantly the friction from rubbing the skin must have caused a small cut to let it bleed..
Very little amount though, I don't think it's anything huge but.. WTF..
unclefisty: >I don't think it's anything huge
The ladies won't either.
IAskAboutPorn: Well.. It's not like I'm gonna need it for anytime soon :/
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1384774624 | 1384814517 | null | t5_2to41 | 39 | DJDemyan: TIFU - Going Home Sick (YIFU Edition)
I work for a temp agency. Yesterday, I woke up feeling like shit and contemplated calling in sick, but instead decided to show up for work anyway. I only feel progressively worse, as though I'm cooking inside of my clothes. Sweat was dripping off my face. Oh, shit. I'm running an awful fever! I work in about 30-40 degrees Fahrenheit, so there is no reason for me to feel this hot. I talk to management and use my last "point" to go home and rest. Today I woke up feeling exponentially better, ready to get through the day. About half an hour into work, one of the bosses pulls me aside and says he needs to talk to me, telling me to follow him. He leads me all the way through the facility to the locker room, where he tells me they received an email from my temp agency saying that they've ended my assignment; AKA I got fired. He escorts me out of the building and tells me to go home and call the agency for details, as he has no clue the reason behind my assignment's termination. I imagine the reason is my going home sick and using my last point, although this SHOULDN'T be a reason because I still had that point to use. I will call them when the office opens, and keep you all posted. Nonetheless, I'm pretty sure that Yesterday, I Fucked Up.
zalloy: I used to see stuff like that happen at the last place I worked. The difference was the boss never pulled you aside to tell you anything. You'd get out of work, and there'd be a voice mail waiting for you from the agency telling you that your assignment was over.
One lady was there for almost 3 months, and was due to either be let go, or to be taken on as a permanent employee. She got the "end of assignment" voice mail. While she was working there, they had nothing but good things to say about her.
Regardless of what your boss told you, they probably know why you were fired. In fact, you boss (or HR) probably called the agency to let them know you were on your last point and took time off.
Temp agencies are very touchy about losing time from work, regardless of the reason. They'll fire you at the drop of a hat because they've got a line of people ready to take your spot.
Talk to them, explain your situation, and ask about getting reassigned to another position. If you get reassigned, then that means that your boss at the company had a problem with you missing time, and that's why you were let go. If they don't reassign you, that means that the temp agency has a problem with you missing time, and you should apply with other agencies.
DJDemyan: As it turned out, the company I was on assignment with decided to boot me rather than hire me, citing my attendance and "work performance." Similarly, I was never told I need to step up my performance, outside of my co-workers informing me of the occasional slip-up. No one ever took me aside and said "Hey, you need to get your shit together." Thankfully I got a new assignment though. Thanks for the reply!
TheMaguffin: This may not be necessary because you seem fairly positive about this but don't take it personally if you get more of the same. These companies are really well incentivized not to appreciate you so you could be doing a great job and they may still act like working with you is a hassle. The reason I mention this is because my brother went through depression after his last job underworked him and cited customer complaints as the reason for letting him go. In truth they hired him at $5/hour more than they should have and had him salaried before they had the work for him to do so they needed a way to get rid of this overpaid worker who was working ~3 hours a week and getting paid for 40. He sincerely believed that he had lost the company a big account during a three hour shift and they had to let him go until he later found the exact same job on job boards for $11/hour on an hourly schedule.
DJDemyan: Well, I'm only positive about it in retrospect... I really disliked the assignment I was on, so it somewhat came as a relief that my assignment was terminated.
| 5 | 7.8 | |
1384790518 | 1385396120 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,825 | fourfingerdeafpunch: TIFU: I told my family I would have sex with a lion.
This happened last night, my sister said my dad would tame a mountain lion and then I, thinking I was on reddit, blurted out ya I would mount a tame lion. Needless to say I am now the butt of everyone's joke. I woke up this morning with a bottle of lotion and pictures of cats and dogs next to my bed.
robobreasts: Roll with it. Give back all the pictures of dogs, and say "I won't be needing these."
fourfingerdeafpunch: I'm defiantly going to do this.
WA7ER: Yeah, stick it to the man!
Darkshokker: No, stick it to the cat!
CowsRTasty: *in
hde128: Colby 2012
ExxL: Been a while since I've seen this reference
WhatIsPoop: Get your head out of your ass!
[deleted]: Pun intended?
^^^^^nice ^^^^^name
WhatIsPoop: I definitely meant it as a joke about a thing being in an ass. But people didn't really go for it apparently. Thanks for the recognition. What are you doing in a 6 day old thread?
[deleted]: ...I thought it said 6 hours ago. Apparently I need more coffee in the morning
WhatIsPoop: Today You Fucked Up.
Anyway, this was a good thread, and I'm glad you reminded me of it. Hopefully OP has settled down with a sexy lion.
| 13 | 217.307692 | |
1384792972 | 1384815667 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | teotown: TIFU by inviting a friend of mine to my other friends Birthday party
I'm waiting for the bus with 3 friends, 2 of them and I are invited to this birthday party for our mutual friend. Now this third friend waiting with us was participating in the conversation on what we should get our mutual friend for a birthday gift.
(Note: the third friend and the mutual friend are complete strangers to each others)
I fucked up by interupting the conversation with, "why can't we bring (the third friend)". The third friend accepted but the other 2 friends got pissed off. Then they had a huge argument on why we can't bring the third friend which ended with one friend flipping off the other.
...How to resolve this?
Adam_hooven: [Not sure if...]
(http://i.imgur.com/llzXCsZ.jpg)
st3500: Judging by the fact that OP mentioned the flipping of the bird as if it actually meant something, I'd go with the latter.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1384799124 | 1384805532 | null | t5_2to41 | 109 | lhwang0320: TIFU by standing next to my aquariums during a teleconference
Was working at home and calling in to a teleconference. During the call I was walking around my condo, and decided it would be a good idea to multitask and feed my fish. So I go ahead and put the phone on top of one of my tanks. I have two 10-gallon tanks and the filtration systems are really loud.
All of a sudden, awkward pause on call.
My boss: Oh god...is one of you pissing in the men's room right now?
All of us: Nope, not me!
**awkward silence**
Me: Oh god....I'm standing by my aquariums, guys. Those are the filters!
Laughter all around.
Fyrestalker: Am I the only one expecting OP to drop his phone into the tank?
MechanicusAnimus: Nope. Was also expecting that outcome.
| 3 | 36.333333 | |
1384806883 | 1385053500 | null | t5_2to41 | 36 | Calamitycatji: TIFU: by parking my motorcycle inside my friends head shop
So my bike was already giving me some problems, however since i am not mechanically inclined i had no idea what was wrong with it and figured it would be fine till i got home.
Both of my roommates work at the local head shop thats right on the main strip of my town. On my way home i stopped by the shop to pick up this pipe i had been eyeing for awhile. I parked out back, went in grabbed the pipe, and broke it in with the boys in the basement.
Fast-foward. Shop's closing and we are all headed out; this is when the trouble starts. The bikes not starting and I have no idea what to do. At this point it's too late to actually call someone, so I decide to just push it in the backdoor and leave it inside for the night. now it's not that i lived in a bad area and was worried about it being stolen, but rather i live in a college town where it wouldn't surprise me for some drunk asshole to just walk by and push it over. Either way the decision was made to push it inside, go on with the night, and figure it out in the morning.
Now, I am not a morning person at all so i just planned on going back to the shop a few hours after they open. This way I had time to sleep in then maybe get some breakfast.
So i'm at home sleeping and my phone starts ringing and i'll usually silence my phone at least once before I'm actually awake, so it usually takes a few straight calls if you want to get ahold of me first thing in the morning.
I finally wake up and answer my roommate's call and he is not happy. He starts yelling at me telling me how the whole shop smells like gas and how i needed to get down and clean everything up. The neighboring businesses had already called the gas company and local authorities. I immediately get up and head into town stopping on the way for some supplies. Apparently white vinegar works pretty well on cleaning up the smell of gas. I arrive at the shop only to realize it wasn't just a little gas and that my entire gas tank has emptied into the store. It took me several hours to get it all cleaned up but we didn't have to deal with any cops. Not having to explain myself or interact with police at all was a huge plus on account of them making me extremely nervous. we basically just played dumb to the other businesses once i had it cleaned up. Saying things like "oh I don't know but it's definitely going away" The gas company people sent someone out but that was clearly just to satisfy the other businesses. the guy came checked the electric meters and was on his way. As for the gas less bike i just had a tow truck come pick it up and take it to the repair shop. Needless to say i won't be parking indoors for a bit
tl;dr - motorcycle broke down. parked it in store. gas leaked everywhere. other business though it was a natural gas leak so called authorities
fugeesnfunyunz: What kind of motorcycle is it?
Calamitycatji: 02 Kawasaki ninja 500
fugeesnfunyunz: Dang. Don't know much about import street bikes. My harley leaks gas like it gets paid to do it. But really though, get online, read some forums learn how to work on your shit. Really sucks being stranded. Safe riding brother.
aDDnTN: Where is your Harley leaking from?
fugeesnfunyunz: It's my petcock. It's not terrible. Really it boils down to me being too lazy to fix it.
kroneksix: My petcock leaks from time to time too.
| 7 | 5.142857 | |
1384718908 | 1384818831 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | Dropout-cylinder314: TIFU By spilling coffee all over me while waiting to cross the street
I got my coffee to go as the weather is getting colder and I had to walk for a bit so it’s always nice to have a hot cup of coffee. I arrived to an intersection and was waiting for my time to cross the street when I decide to have a sip and the coffee lid open on one side so as I drank, coffee kept leaking on me. I didn't realise right away as, being cold and all, I had a thick sweatshirt. All of this happened on one of the main streets of my city so there were plenty of cars around enjoying my fuck up while waiting for the light to turn green.
strngsvlmstng96: Better a hot liquid than a cold one! :D
Dropout-cylinder314: True, although once it gets cold its not nice anymore :(
| 3 | 5 | |
1384810685 | 1385077304 | null | t5_2to41 | 42 | ismileicrazy: TIFU by getting my hair "highlighted" by a customer of mine.
I work as a server/manager at a fine dining Italian restaurant. One of our regulars, a barfly really, always told me she wanted to do something with my hair. I am a guy btw, never put any colour in my hair etc. Our bartender, basically a fuckbuddy of the barfly, repeatedly told me "Yeah, yeah, do it. She's good! She makes a living cutting hair from home." Finally I give in. "Sure, I'm growing out my hair a bit, but you can put a few light highlights in my hair to lighten it up."
The next day I call her up and arrange to meet her at her place. I arrive, its a ground level apartment. She greets me, we go inside. Filthy carpet, the tv had what I could only imagine a stream of dried jizz dripped down it. "Okay" I think to myself. "She does this for a living, its all good." She takes me to her "chair". It was literally a broken down lawn chair. "Fuck! I can't even back out of this now." I sit down, she pulls out a tube of something and a plastic fork. She gets to work. My head is feeling heavy at this point. I reiterate to her that all I wanted was some nice blending in highlights. "Oh yeah! I totally understand. Don't worry! I know what I'm doing!". I'm basically shitting myself at this point in time. She throws a plastic shopping bag on my head and has me sit there. I start frantically texting my fiancee. "What the fuck did I do?" "Why did I do this?!?" Finally she comes back. "Time to rinse it out!" We enter her bathroom. She had me kneel beside her filthy toilet and put my head under the tap in her bathtub. At this point all I can think of is "Get this shit off of my head! I don't even care that I'm kneeling beside her disgusting toilet!" She appraises her job and decides she need to put more bleach or whatever on. Keep in mind I am yet to see a mirror. "Its okay, I'm sure it's..." I feel more bleach on my head. "FUCK!" Okay, bag, rinse, repeat. She's done! She shows me the final job. I want to die. Giant chunks of white blonde at the front (I have a Don Draper like 50's style to my hair) Throughout the rest, orangey blonde, dark blonde, white blonde, any colour of blonde you can imagine. And she is looking at me, with a look of insane pride on her face. "Do you love it? OMG! It looks amaaaaazing!" All I could say was "Umm, its neat." She asks for $25. I leave. I look for the hidden cameras. No luck, this actually happened, I wasn't on Candid Camera or anything.
I get one block away and call a coworker. Luckily I had a hat with me. I ask her to meet me, I need to show her something and I need her to tell me I'm overreacting. We meet up. I take off the hat. She bursts out laughing. "Who did this to you??? Why did you let it happen??" We make an emergency appointment with her hairdresser. I get there, she looks at me, holding back laughter and says "Did you lose a bet or something?" followed with "Wow, she must really hate you." She matched my original colour, puts the dye in, we let it sit. 3 times we had to do that as the dye wouldn't hold. I can't wash my hair for like a month or this will wash out and I'll have a head of fucked up blonde chunks. And now I have to break this shitty hairdressers heart when she comes in the restaurant next.
**TLDR - I paid $125 to have my hair look exactly as it had earlier that day because I trusted the fuckbuddy of my bartender to dye my hair.**
PoisonedCoffee: Pics or it didn't happen
ismileicrazy: http://imgur.com/MZv1AlT
Sadly... it did happen. Pic taken in a rush with a shitty phone camera, doesn't do the horrible job justice. It was worse than it looks there.
PoisonedCoffee: Damn bro that's bad lol. Thanks for delivering.
| 4 | 10.5 | |
1384814014 | 1384972200 | null | t5_2to41 | 356 | Treetrunksgoespop: TIFU by masturbating at work.
Well. here it goes. I work alone, selling mattresses. I spend 10hrs a day surrounded by comfy beds waiting for someone to come in, its alot of down time. Mostly I spend it watching Netflix and reading reddit and every now and again when things get slow I rub one out.
It was a slow *slow* day. No one was even parked in the parking lot so I decided why not, im coved up by the big desk that faces the wall of windows, and Im wearing a dress, so its not like anyone would see right? Wrong. I closed my eyes for a few seconds, enjoying my dirty time and was on the edge of cumming, ohh god I was *right there* when I open my eyes and see a group of high school boys looking through the windows on theyre bikes with looks of awe and disbelief, noses pushed up on the glass.
No "instant mood killer" it was too late, It was a mix of pleasure, shame, and guilt. I instantly jumped up and hid in the back room, face beet red with embarrassment vowing to never to touch myself again(at work). At least those boys got a nice show :/
[deleted]: Hmm, is this a real confession or an attempt to turn people on? I can't decide.
OceanRacoon: Plot twist: she's a fat ugly married mother of 5 with a snaggle tooth and foot warts on her butt. Also her vagina smells like cancer.
Treetrunksgoespop: I put a picture in the edit :] theres no foot warts on this tooshie
OceanRacoon: I can't see any picture. Is your username Tree Trunks from Adventure Time? Because she's a dirty minx, everything she says is so filthy and in a real suggestive voice
Treetrunksgoespop: I wook it down after I remembered how many of my friends use this. but yes username is from Adventure time, the Crystal Apple episode where she goes "POP"
OceanRacoon: That was hilarious. She came back far more eroticised, did you see the episode where her and the Pig keep jacking each other in front of everybody? So seedy.
You can PM me the picture, it's okay, I don't mind.
| 7 | 50.857143 | |
1384814917 | 1384816672 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | mattstorm360: "TIFU" This weekend i was in charge.
Over the weekend, my parents were at a wedding, so i was in charge. My mom gave me emergency money, plus $25 for my sister's car.
We used some of the emergency money for Red robin and arcade games. My sister convinced me to give her the rest, I also had to sleep in my parents room with my brother in case something happened and i didn't, and one of my dogs tore some things up making a mess on my parents bed.
amarigatachi: Please consider re-writing this.
whelp_welp: TL;DR He was supposed to watch the house, did a great job until the dogs tore everything up.
mattstorm360: No, i fucked up by giving away the emergency money, i did not make sure the dogs could tare something up, and i did not sleep with my brother like my mom told me to.
whelp_welp: "Sleep with my brother"? WTF?
lostdeceiver: IKR?!
mattstorm360: She is worried that there would be a fire and i can't get to him.
| 7 | 1.714286 | |
1384810445 | 1385382091 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | homefree122: TIFU By Bringing a Cup of Water to Class
As a group of friends and me were about to go to class, I decided to grab a cup of water before we left. I have a Nalgene bottle that I usually take, but for some reason I really wanted a styrofoam cup of ice water. The desks in the classroom are standard college desks, which are pretty small. Enough room for a laptop or a notebook and textbook, but not much else. I take notes on my laptop, and decided to set the cup on the edge of my desk. I'm a pretty careful person, and also kind of overly protective with my electronics (i.e. phone, laptop, game systems), so I knew that *I* wouldn't spill the cup; I didn't take my friend sitting in front of me into account. He turned around to ask me a quick question, his elbow hit my cup, and I watched in utter horror as water doused my keyboard. I immediately jumped out of my chair and yelled, "Shit-fuck!" The professor and everyone in the class -- about 65 students -- were staring at me with a mixture of faces. Some chucking, but most just flat out confused. All I could muster was, "He. The water. And, laptop? I-I have to go." I grabbed my backpack and got the fuck out of dodge.
I'm currently writing this on a computer in the Apple store, for those who were wondering. I need to pass the time while I wait for the final verdict.
TL;DR: Friend accidentally spilt cup of water on my laptop in class. I looked like an idiot.
dfe_etsitty: So, what's the verdict?
homefree122: Well, it's not completely destroyed, but it's also not pristine by any means. The computer itself is pretty glitchy now, and I backed everything up to my external hard drive, just in case anything drastic happens. I don't really know what else to do, now.
Griever114: get a garbage bag taht you can zip up REAL TIGHT. put in like 1-2 lbs of uncooked rice. place the machine top.
let it sit for a week.
it will absorb all of the ambient moisture.
problem solved.
13zath13: Won't the rice get stick in the laptop? Like the fan getting clogged?
Griever114: you dont leave the computer on. also, you are not suppoesed to shake the rice in or something. you put the rice in first and PLACE the laptop on it. if you are concerned about rice getting stuck, put one of those steak grill racks on it. the rice will absorb ALL the ambient moisture in the bag from the circuit board.
the same thing happens to Ipods/phones.
| 6 | 5.666667 | |
1384831391 | 1384832902 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | phifeiras: TIFU: Thought someone was trolling me, and ended up giving up the opportunity of a lifetime.
I posted this 9 months ago, and thought this guy was trolling me. I didn't even other reading up about bitcoin because I thought this guy was just trying to scam me.
[The Fuck Up](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/18a6fw/how_should_i_invest_20000/c8cz990)
LevyWife: he was telling you to buy something and give it to him. how is that not a scam?
phifeiras: He told me to buy bitcoins in general. I had no idea what they were, and he introduced me to them. However, he did it in the worst way possible, that I completely dismissed the idea, and never bothered to learn about bitcoin.
If I bought then, my investment would have grown by 1500% today.
LevyWife: oooohhhhh I gotcha. well, you can still buy them now, right?
phifeiras: It was about $40/bitcoin. It was $400 a few days ago. It was about $900 earlier toda, and $750 right now. I don't know if the bubble burst.
LevyWife: ooooohhhhhhhh ouch. yeah, now I see why you're upset.
| 6 | 3.166667 | |
1384835249 | 1384905268 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | ralasinchains: TIFU and gave a woman on plenty of fish my cell number
Okay let me set the scenario, I have been using PoF for a while it's a great dating site. Probably the best around, I have not met a single bad woman on here till now.
I get talking to her and shit seems alright. Well fast forward a bit and I give her my number as a next logical step. I tell her to text me...two seconds later she CALLS me. Starts calling me "babe" and being a general crazy chick. She then tracked me down on facebook and started spam texting me.
I don't know what to do I have tried giving her subtle and not so subtle hints...I don't wanna hurt her feelings she is nice but she is creeping me the fuck out.
red_spooks: Block her number, block her Facebook, block her POF...problem solved.
ralasinchains: I know, but I don't want to be mean. I mean she is a human and has feels. Plus...she has my facebook, the last thing I need is some crazy bitch shitposting me to all hell and ruining my reputation.
positronus: 1.Tell her you are gay and was just "exploring"
2.Sign up for Google Voice number and give that in case you need go dodge the crazy.
| 4 | 6 | |
1384837940 | 1385074301 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | drevo97: TIFU and lost the store over $1000
While ringing up a foreign customer. He was buying a lot of items at our retail store. He's total was over $1000. When I swiped his card the registers somehow it was read as cash. I wasn't thinking clearly so I entered his amount as the tender total which means the registers thought I was putting in his total amount. The reason I didn't think something was wrong was because he was using a foreign card which our systems do accept but apparently not this time. At the end of the day the register was short over $1000, the exact amount that the gentleman has had spent. Now the higher ups are looking into this and apparently bulk buyers are extremely frowned upon to the point where I might lose my job over this. The reason being is cause they take our merchandise and sell it in their country
I learn the outcome of everything tomorrow
zspitfire04: Honestly, I would charge you for the $1000 considering you are solely responsible. I wouldn't fire you because I want you to pay the money back, but I would definitely take it out of your paychecks. Then expect any shitty hours or tasks to have your name on it.
[deleted]: Yeah except that's illegal and you're a cunt for thinking that you can take away $1000 from someone and also cut hours and give them shit. That could cause someone to lose their home or go hungry, you dipshit.
zspitfire04: I didn't say I'd cut his hours. If anything, he'd actually get more hours to pay the money back. I wouldn't take it completely in one lump sum either.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1384844766 | 1384888006 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | me131211: TIFU by telling my co-worker she would make a good stripper.
I work at a local Italian place washing dishes and cooking. You know, the family run place that mostly hires younger kids looking for a first job. We had just finished one of 2 total morning shifts each week where we have a buffet. During these shifts, once the last customer leaves, we get to lock the doors and take a roughly 20 minute break and eat what's left of the buffet. There are only 5 of us working these shifts because they are slow; 2 in back(usually guys) and 2 servers ad a host(or hostess) up front. Because there are so few of us we all go on break together and hang out while we eat; so we are all pretty good friends. Anyway, the front workers are done preparing the restaurant for the night shift, and the two of us are finishing up the dishes. As the last server leaves out the back door, the 3 of us talk a little and someone brings up how the way the boss asked if she could pick up an extra shift next week could be misinterpreted to ask if she was a stripper. Now we all have a chuckle at this, and being the type of person to always try to make people laugh, I thought I would follow up with a joke
.
I shouldn't have.
What was meant to be a funny remark about giving up this job to become a stripper turned out to be "even though I've never pictured it (awkward chuckle here) I bet you would make an amazing stripper."
After making this remark and immediately regretting it, she gives me the most "you are weird as fuck' look, I awkwardly fast walk around the corner, she leaves, and the other guy proceeds to give me crap for it the rest of the day. Not exactly sure how I'm going to be able to talk to her now. It might help after I turn 21 in 2 weeks and can get drunk first. Maybe.
TL;DR: tried to make my friend laugh, ended up essentially saying I picture her being a stripper.
MrSn1ck3rs: I hope you at least got a boner from it.
me131211: I don't even think she would make a good stripper I was just trying to make a joke. Plus I think she's a minor so that would be awkward.
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1384848912 | 1384927800 | null | t5_2to41 | 74 | quistodes: TIFU by shaving my legs
So there's me, a young cyclist, finally deciding to shave my legs (for whatever reason, no one actually knows why). Hair so thick that I buy some hair removal cream to help.
Anyway, come 10pm I'm de-hairing myself bit by bit, involving hopping in and out of the shower and I prop the door to the shower-room open to let some cool air in, cos it's getting pretty hot.
Important detail, I live in halls (block of several shared flats).
The fire alarms in this building are really sensitive, and keep getting set off my steam from the showers.
So I'm partway through the job when suddenly the alarm goes off, the system by the door tells you who set it off, so everyone knows it was me.
I quickly throw on some clothes and run outside, with only half of one leg shaved.
Unfortunately I couldn't then go back in the shower so as not to arouse suspicion. So I was left with 1 1/2 hair legs and the disapproval of all my flatmates.
[Here's](http://i.imgur.com/1b7k6Hs.jpg) a picture of what I was left with.
WhiteDalia: Looked at the pick of your legs and wanted to recommend you try waxing before you get into the never ending shave cycle...the bane of women everywhere, myself included. I can't afford to do it all the time as I have other areas that take higher priority for waxing, but every now and then I like to let my only leg shaving area of knee to foot grow out long enough to get waxed. The after effects feel glorious and I so enjoy the freedom from shaving for a good while because waxing lasts SOOOO much longer. Try it!
CioCZ: or get an epilator
spankthepunkpink: THE HORROR!!
| 4 | 18.5 | |
1384859126 | 1384945141 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | DeloreanFanatic: TIFU showed a coworker a pic from r/funny not realizing until too late that it was quite racist.
I really wasn't trying to target him or his race and I am usually smarter than this but he got very offended. I tried so hard to apologize, but I'm terrible at confrontations and I am pretty sure it sounded fake and like I really didn't give a shit when I tried to profusely apologize... I feel absolutely terrible.
d3n14l: What was the picture?
DeloreanFanatic: it was the "Black Stereotypes" photo...
d3n14l: That's not even offensive, is it? That guy sounds like a jerk for giving you shit about that.
DeloreanFanatic: to be honest, I'm right there with you. but I think it was the fact that sent it to him specifically that was the problem...i don't know
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1384873084 | 1384894459 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | youareneo: TIFU by asking the phone number of the mother of the girl i would like to know
Well the history started with me going to have lunch one day. I was by myself and decided to eat on a new japonese restaurant near home. After eating 5 pounds of food i went to pay my shit and then i met this girl. She was really beautiful and kind. I kept thiking on her after this moment and i thought about going back there and asking her number.
After 2 days i went back there, i walked directly to the place where she used to work. So i started explaining myself and talking about how nice would it be to know her number. Well this is where the history start to get strange. She said she didnt remember me and i found this very strange since she was extremely open and smiled a lot while we talked. She even gave me some gift from the restaurant. So after i explained myself she just said she was married with the owner of the restaurant. At the time i just knew i asked the wrong girl's number, but at the same time they were really alike. Same skin, same hair, same height. Fuck, even the same face. Welp at the best of the situations they can be sisters. I suck.
khrix_454: I'm having a hard time reading and understanding this.
youareneo: man i also had a hard time writing this shit for you guys. So keep trying =x
deathsign092: What you're saying is that you wanted to ask for Girl #1's phone number but asked someone that looked just like her instead?
| 4 | 4 | |
1384877407 | 1385105441 | null | t5_2to41 | 3,628 | [deleted]: TIFU by using the manual flush button on an automatic toilet.
This morning, I was using a bathroom in the airport while waiting for my flight to board. I did my business, cleaned up, and turned around to take a look at what I had created. After a moment, I pressed the manual flush button, and instead of flushing, the toilet water began to rise rapidly. When the water level was about 1/2 inch below the rim, it stopped. After a moment of relief, I turned around to leave. As I turned around, I triggered the automatic flush.
I heard another guy freak out as pieces of poop were riding a tidal wave of toilet water in his direction.
I ran away like a little pussy.
ONE_GUY_ONE_JAR: >I ran away like a little pussy.
You had no choice, soldier. You had no choice.
TheCoolPrince: >[As I turned around, I triggered the automatic flush.](http://i.imgur.com/IQCNI.gif)
BrohemianRhapsody: http://i.imgur.com/O8nCJBB.gif
jebcrum: I don't know what this is or why you did it, but, thank you.
BrohemianRhapsody: http://i.imgur.com/2BpZIgx.gif
cpawho: Where do these come from?
BrohemianRhapsody: I have no idea.
http://i.imgur.com/qsAjj7y.gif
disinshrektant: I love you...so hard.
iLurk_4ever: http://i.imgur.com/I9KGH8e.gif
disinshrektant: My love is even harder now.
iluvmyswitcher: http://i.imgur.com/ajizktD.gif
disinshrektant: God, I enjoy you people a lot.
| 13 | 279.076923 | |
1384884638 | 1384893274 | null | t5_2to41 | 127 | DizzyLola: TIFU and tried to be a tough younger sister
Okay so this happened just now, obviously a few minutes after we finished having dinner. My older brother (by only 11 months) was eating lasagne opposite me and blowing on a bit of it on his fork.
This would have been okay, but he was breathing *so loudly*. I waited a few seconds before he took in a deep breath and did it again, me getting more and more pissed. "It's not that hot!" I complained to him, resulting with him looking up and saying, "You try eat a piece from the middle."
Y'see Reddit, this is where I fucked up.
Okay, easy challenge, right?
No. Dear God no. I took a big bite of it right from the middle and began chewing it, maintaining eye contact. I ignored the burning sensation and stopped myself from making any face to show how it didn't burn.
Finally the lava was successfully eaten, I took a drink and excused myself, letting the victory show.
My tongue is burnt and I'm pretty sure I've killed my tastebuds.
TL;DR I won a challenge set by my brother to eat hot just-out-of-the-oven lasagne, resulting in a badly burnt tongue.
JohnnyWink: You won. Winning is all that matters.
DizzyLola: I made sure to celebrate my victory with a cold drink. ^to^cool^down^my^tongue
Griever114: a VERY easy fix for this is a sugar packet. take a sugar packet or just regular sugar and rub it on the burn site.
to ask me how it works. it does.
| 4 | 31.75 | |
1384893793 | 1384894420 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | JustAnotherLondoner: TIFU by not ensuring the driving test booking website I was on was the right one.
I Googled "practical driving test" and clicked a link, thinking it was the direct website of the examinations. The usual price is £62; it was only after I had filled everything in that I re-checked my bank account online and saw that £95 had been taken out of it. I only had £100 in there, and had some books to buy for school as well as a little left over for a birthday present for my dad. I now have £5 left as I didn't read the website I went on properly, and had been charged an extra £33 for 'service charge' and a free resit if I fail. I'm pretty confident I won't fail.. so i have just wasted £33 which could have been put to much better use elsewhere. I'm an idiot.
1minuteman: fucked by the small print, happens to the best of us
JustAnotherLondoner: Yeah. Worst part is I can't get refunded. Money down the drain.
Lesson learned, I guess.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1384897680 | 1384904681 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | BananaPeelSlippers: TIFU by trying to squeeze in.
Sorry this isn't about sex. I work and live downtown and the bank my office is with just happens to be connected to my apt. It's pretty nice because a couple times a week i get to bring banking and go have a nice long lunch at home with my pups.
Today, i did the banking, my boss got me to grab him 800 in cash along with the usual deposits. I have lunch and then have to go grab my car to pick up stuff from court. Some asshole parked like six inches from my car, i had to squeeze to get in. I take off, run to court, park the car, and am just walking into work when i realize the envelope is no longer in my pocket.
At this point i am freaking out, where did i put the envelope, where have i been, what have i done, i'm fired for sure. My mind is moving at the speed of light as i play out all of the terrible things that are gonna happen. I check the car, not their. Fuck i felt so low, they aren't gonna believe i lost it, i'm so fucked, fuck fuck fuck.
It's then that i remember the squeeze, i walked back to the spot i was previously parked in, and much to my delight, there sat the envelope, looking a little rough, but otherwise intact and fully funded.
Boy was i giddy walking back to work. I dropped off the envelope but decided it would be best if i didn't mention almost losing the envelope.
Oh and i'm pretty sure i took a dump after that, what's a /r/tifu post without a shit.
mtnbew: the amount of people that clicked away after you said sorry this isnt about sex is going to be a crap ton
BananaPeelSlippers: I should have placed the part about taking a dump right after that.
Fgmaniac: Nope, should have placed the "not about sex" at the end.
I skimmed the first part, missing the part where it wasn't about sex. I was totally expecting you to lose the 800 bucks, and end up fucking your boss to make up for it, but getting stuck while the executives came in or something.
Now that would've been a fuckup!
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1384898484 | 1384992136 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | dippedshit: TIFU by trying chewing tobacco [could use help as well]
So my buddy from school does chewing tobacco, A.K.A. dip, and convinced me to try it. I by no means plan to do it regularly, i just wanted to try it. So he gave me his can with just a little left for one lip, and I tried it today. Sat in my room (no one was home), spit in a gatorade bottle for a little while, and didnt really like it so flushed it down the toilet and rinsed my mouth out. I went back to my room and got on the computer. Fast forward a few hours later, my mom comes home, goes in the bathroom, comes back out and goes to my room and says "What's this?" I left the spit bottle in the bathroom -_-. I'm an idiot. So after a few statements of me denying it, she says "Are you addicted?" and I just replied "No." Then she said "we're gonna have a big talk about this when your father gets home."
Now for the advice part... does anyone have any advice? I'm gonna tell them the truth, but they most likely won't believe it.
asnof: Ill sound like a broken record here but you should stay away from tobacco.
Its been 8 years that ive smoked. I started out not liking it. Then after a few I didnt mind it, now I cant live without it.
Attempting quitting has been horrible. Once you are addicted to something you have that addiction for life.
I may not be anyone special to you but if you talk to that friend 10 years down the road I can guarantee they will regret even starting
Xvapor1zerX: E-cigs FTW
asnof: Definitely a good alternative, but when you go through them as fast as me and you need to ship them in they are worthless. I go through one every 2 months.
You still inhale vapor and that vapor goes into your lungs so it will still clog the aevioli(sp?) and get you coughing every morning
| 4 | 8.75 | |
1384901835 | 1384914998 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU By tweeting hate speech
This wasn't today, but this weekend. I was visiting my friends college and was made aware of a twitter hashtag that shows up on a T.V. in the journalism building, and decided to have some fun with it. It started with relatively innocent things, like "I love to suck cock" or "I just took a shit." We sat in the building and laughed as they showed up for everyone to see. As the night went on and we began drinking heavily, the tweets became more malicious. I tweeted about every race and nationality, women, the disabled and anything else I could think of. There was some pretty fucked up stuff in there, the worst being that I could have killed more kids at Sandy Hook (I know.) Fast forward to the next morning and my friend gets a text from his professor asking about the tweets since he was the most recent person to follow me. He says my account was hacked, but she replies she doesn't believe him and that there is currently an investigation into who did it and why. She says the police may be involved because of hate speech laws. They haven't contacted me yet, but I'm kind of worried. Anyway. Fuck
Tl;dr: Don't tweet hate speech, you'll be investigated.
mamapycb: "hate speech laws" what?
[deleted]: I wasn't aware of these either....
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1384904284 | 1385001574 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | krogi: TIFU by fixing my shower with glue
My shower hose has had a hole in it for quite some time now and it keeps getting bigger and therefore the pressure of the water stream lower. Being the amateur Mcgyver i am i decided it was time to take action. went to my room looking for a roll of duct tape i knew i had somewhere but after ten minutes of not finding it i looked for alternatives. only thing i could find was some double-sided tape and high strength superglue. two sides of tape seemed a little wastefull so i went for the glue.
stupid, stupid idea.. reeeeeally stupid idea.
i managed to patch the hole and everything seemed fine after i had let it dry a bit. turned the water on and "hey would you look at that" worked great, i thought.
now the bad shit begins.
after a few minutes i suddenly noticed my chest had a huge really red spot om it and quickly got out. my chest, back and even face was covered in a red rash of some sort. and it did not stop there of course nooo. this glue you see is not the gel like type, it is one of those watery thin ones that dry on contact and spread all over da fukin place. the water had diluted it slightly so it got into the hose and onto me, all over. when i got back in for a sec to turn the water off it just got worse. some of it had dripped down onto the tap and two of my fingers were stuck. jesus fuck that hurt!!
so now here i am, red as a new cooked lobster with a little less skin on one hand than i prefer to have. just hope to crust this stuff is not as toxic as i think it might be...
how ever obvious it may sound, DO NOT PUT GLUE IN YOUR SHOWER HOSE!!!
Fgmaniac: Hey buddy, it could be worse! You could have been having shower sex!
>I'm gonna come, I'm gonna come!
>Pull out! I'm not on the pill!
>I CAN'T! IT'S STUCK!
DM;HS doesn't apply if you have to rip your dickskin off.
What a shitty way to get circumcised!
tgangsta27: And to get someone pregnant.
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1384908068 | 1384938330 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU Texted exgirlfriend I love you
Just before I delve into this; I wasn't drunk or intoxicated on anything of any kind, I'm not all the desperate, and I wasn't flustered in a rage of emotions.
So there's this exgirlfriend of mine whom I still talk to from time to time and we still get along great more or less when not distracted by the lingering tension. Now, I'm kind of a cynical asshole and feel nothing but apathy towards everything. I've been in and out of relationships every now and then and it just never worked out but I always find myself thinking about her and how I don't feel like much of a cynical asshole (yeah I know how stupid and pathetic that might sound.) I don't think I'm a creepy guy or someone you would get a restraining order against; this is girl used to mean something to me and I'll always love her and hope that she's happy doing whatever with whomever. Well anyways, we still get along great and there some signs of nostalgic feelings on both sides. I get that people change and what not but we still get along and I wanted to go through the whole process of getting to know someone again and all that sappy crap. We don't hang out much cause we're busy when whenever we try to make plans and the thought just flies over when someone is actually free so I decided to just text her those three dumb words. I didn't expect for us to get back together or anything special, I just wanted some closure like if I just told her how I feel, I wouldn't be thinking about it so much, but on the other hand, getting back together wouldn't be bad either. Yeah, I fucked up big and this is what this subreddit is for but she exhibits signs from time to time and she makes me have feelings like some naive high school fuck and falling in love again and the whole stupid process sounds really fun and let's add some more run ons and more run ons and more and more to this sentence. Again, I didn't expect much but her response was "What" "What should I say to that" and trying to avoid the whole situation altogether after that. And the gravity of how stupid I am hit me and now here I am... typing... like an idiot.... shouldn't have done that.
tl;dr Texted exgf I loved her and you already know how bad a fuck up this is.
[edit] I'll probably delete this cause she's a redditor.
CreamyPotato: If you still have feelings for her then i don't think you really fucked up but by her reaction you may have just made your friendship akward for her. Don't worry OP, i've had close calls in doing that before.
ApacheChi3f: Thanks. I was thinking "go big or go home" but welp. I'm going home I guess.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1384913850 | 1384965581 | null | t5_2to41 | 199 | ratmftw: TIFU by going for a swim with a girl I like.
This actually occurred a little under two years ago but anyway.
Every year during the long summer holidays my family have a tradition of heading up to go camping on the East coast of the North Island (NZ). The spot where we go is seriously a fairy tale place: a huge bay with golden sweeping sands, constant sunshine, warm water, big waves, few people, reefs to explore, you get the idea. This year I happened to know that there was a girl there I'd met the previous year who was quite into me. As you can imagine, I'm well keen. The morning after we arrive, virtually as soon as I get up, she bounds over and says she's taking me for my first swim, right now. I'm all about it so we head out into the blue to get wet (me hoping other things may get wet later on). I dive into the water and that's where things begin to take a turn for the unexpected.
As soon as I come up I realise the left side of my face is numb and I can't speak.
Yep, you guessed it. Brain hemorrhage.
Ended up spending two weeks in hospital, three months off school and two years later I still can't attend school 5 days a week because I get too tired. I haven't had any luck with the ladies since then either, may or may not be related.
TL;DR went for a swim with a girl, got brain damaged.
master_blast3r: can you explain what happened? did you hit the bottom with your head or something?
telepaper: These things can happen for two reasons:
1. A vein in your brain clogs and a part of your brain doesn't receive blood anymore
2. A vein in your brain breaks, meaning
that the blood gets spilled everywhere on your brain.
Either one of these are bad and can be really dangerous if they aren't treated quickly enough.
Anyways, how is this a fuckup? This situation is totally random, so there is no personnal failure in there.
cincymatt: Since he used the 'hemorrhage', and not 'clot', I would lean towards number 2.
telepaper: Yeah,
I speak French and for me, both are mixed together and are called "AVC" (Accident Vasculaire Cérébral)
pandadotcom: That's funny because in the US we call it a CVA "Cerebral Vascular Accident" lol.
| 6 | 33.166667 | |
1384916395 | 1385013426 | null | t5_2to41 | 43 | Toxictrace: TIFU by bleeding from my anus.
I was just enjoying my post-dinner poop sesh in the upstairs bathroom in my parent's house, where I recently moved back into. Now, they use sandpaper-roughness level TP, always have. I, being a young man full of hopes and dreams of silken rolls for my cheeks, have been buying very nice, soft tissues for myself while I was out of the house.
I am also a very vigorous wiper, as I don't want to leave any traces. Anyway, I was finishing up when I felt some pain back there. Upon 'inspection', I saw some red. I checked again, and yep, more red. So now I'm sitting here trying not to move, since I ripped open my butthole with sandpaper TP.
TL;DR I ripped my butthole open with John Wayne TP, and now my anus is bleeding.
casablumpkin713: http://i.imgur.com/RuFWuwm.gif
JManGraves: what is that from?
NinjaCoachZ: A cartoon anthology called "Rejected" by Don Hertzfeld.
JManGraves: I KNEW IT! i recognized it as similar to the short wisdom teeth.
| 5 | 8.6 | |
1384908140 | 1384923127 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | purplelirpa: TIFU by not reading directions properly and my chem lab partner and I got chemical burns in our noses
We were making a copper complex. After it was this powdery dust, we were supposed to add hydrochloric acid to it to make it change colors. The next step said to heat the product and smell the vapors to detect any odor. By product, it meant the powdery copper solid, not the hydrochloric acid liquid. I misunderstood and we ended up sniffing a bunch of hydrochloric acid fumes multiple times because we couldn't figure out what they smelled like. Luckily, poison control said this was not a serious chemical burn and that inhaling stream would "rinse" the area. Lab partner was pretty graceful about the whole thing.
Aerodragneel: Did you waft the scent? I keep seeing the ridiculous lab safety people sticking their noses right next to the Bunsen burner.
purplelirpa: Yes, a lot of wafting did occur
| 3 | 11 | |
1384925637 | 1384990841 | null | t5_2to41 | 174 | Maleus21: TIFU by helping a friend get a weight bench and shitting myself NSFW (language)(long read but probably worth it)
This actually happened a while back, but I just found this sub, and since all of my friends love this story, I might as well share it with everyone here.
So a while back, my friend and I worked together on 2nd shift. We normally got off work around 10pm, and it was customary for us to stay up late after work, since we didn't need to be in until late afternoon. So this day, my friend asks me to help him get a weight bench he is getting off of craigslist after work. I didn't have anything else going on, so I gladly offered a helping hand.
The house we were going to was around 45 minutes away, so while getting gas before heading that way, I went in the gas station and picked up a king size Reeses cup and a large Red Bull to give me some energy after work. This was to be my undoing, because little did I know at that time, I am severely lactose intolerant (I never put 2 and 2 together, and didn't have insurance at the time, so I just thought I had stomach issues).
So on the way there, we are just idly talking, I finish my 4 peanut butter cups and don't think a thing about them. About 15 minutes later, I feel a slight rumble in my stomach, since stomach problems are normal for me at this time, I pass it off, because I know Ill be home within a couple of hours. About 15 minutes later, the rumbling is more intense, and realize that my friends bathroom will probably receive the brunt of my soon to be coming anal assault. A little while later, we are in the person's neighborhood, and I'm starting to think that a gas station on the way home is inevitable.
Finally we get to dude's house. He is a nice guy, weight bench is in his garage, but unfortunately it is fully assembled (it is one of those huge all in one machines). Well I haven't told my friend about my stomach, and he and the seller are finalizing the deal, then begin talking about how we are going to secure it in the back of my truck. At this point, I am almost in a cold sweat, my ass cheeks are so clenched so tight, you couldn't fit a needle between them.
We have now finished loading the weight bench, I am giving myself pep talks and saying a prayer for every step I am taking. I do not want to ask a complete stranger whom we just met off of craigslist to use his bathroom obviously, but things are getting bad. That's when it happens... We are exchanging pleasantries, saying thank yous, and about to get in the truck. I am scouring my brain trying to think of the nearest gas station that I saw on the way there, and decide to let a tini-tiny little bitty poot out just to relieve some of the pressure, as my insides feel as though I am about to explode. Well ladies and gents, when you are in that condition, never ever trust a fart.
It broke the ass seal that my cheeks had welded together, and out comes a torrential down-pour of shit. I could feel it coming, I did my best to squeeze my ass together as tight as I could, which ended up resulting in ass cramps along with the spasms of my intestines wanting so desperately to empty, going against every ounce of my soul trying to stop it. The result was excruciating pain, which resulted me kneeling down, screaming in agony.
Keep in mind, I had not let on to either of these guys that my stomach was even remotely upset, and I'm sure the sweating was mascaraed by the fact that this was taking place during the summer. So to them, it looked as if I just became possessed and began screaming. So now I am kneeling on the ground, my underwear filled up like a babies diaper, my friend is freaking out, and the guy from craigslist is no doubt regretting every second of this transaction by now.
I slowly stood up, gathered what I could of myself, and kindly asked the seller if I could use his bathroom. His response was simply "Umm sure dude, in and to the right, last door on the left". I slowly walked in the house, praying that no small shit nuggets fell out onto their carpet on my way there. After I got in the bathroom, I took a look at the damage, it was irreparable. Now I had to make a decision, walk outside holding underwear, leave a pair of shit pants in his garbage, or option 3. I emptied as much as I could into the toilet, took out my pocket knife, and cut the massive shit stain out of my underwear. This was obviously was a much smaller piece of cloth, which allowed me to wrap it up in a massive amount of toilet paper and stick it in my pocket. I then cleaned my ass as much as possible (I didn't want to shower in his house also, I was already mortified). Put my holy boxers back on, walked outside, went straight to my truck thanking him as I walked by, got in and immediately drove off. Down the street I threw the shit wad out of the window, and began explaining the story to my now laughing so hard he cant breathe friend.
I asked my friend if the guy had said anything when I went in his house. His reply to my friend "Its just a hunch, but I think your friend needs to shit".
edit: spelling
KiaiTheCat: You should have just owned it and gotten into the car.
Maleus21: 45 mins of riding in a full diaper? Negative ghost rider...
| 3 | 58 | |
1384962290 | 1385013282 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | Doctor_Reynolds: TIFU by writing in pencil on a test instead of pen and it changed my 95 to an 83.
My history teacher has a strict "no pencil" rule. I completely forgot during the test and he took off 12 points.
st3500: You know how math/science teachers always tell you to show all of your work? My chemistry teacher back in high school once took off *40 points* because I skipped one small, inconsequential step on the first question of a quiz. Every answer was correct, but apparently making it clear that I subtracted something from both sides of the equation was more important than understanding the material.
tgangsta27: What class ? Algebra 2?
Doctor_Reynolds: AP US History
| 4 | 7 | |
1384950461 | 1384991738 | null | t5_2to41 | 44 | whatshalike: TIFU by being a dick to a blind guy on a plane.
Red Eye from LAX to PHL. The guy sitting next to me arrives, an escort holding his bag. Never seen that before. He pays the escort a few bucks—kinda just gives him a handful. I get up and he takes his time squeezing by. He’s a big big guy, wrap around Gucci shades. He gets settled, mumbling about Grimace, the big purple autistic guy from McDonalds. “You don’t know who Grimace is?” I don’t know how to respond so I give a half chuckle, then realize that he’s on his Bluetooth. He mumbles into in until the moment the plane is airborne. He’s taking up some of my seat, but I don’t say anything. No sense confronting him about something out of his control (in the short run, arguably). I can hear his music through his Beats By Dre. Fine. I’m washed and pretty drunk so I fall asleep within minutes of take off.
I wake up after a couple hours. The guy sitting next to me is on his laptop—looks like a music program, FL Studio or something—and even though his screen is tilted down, it’s on full bright. I can easily hear his music through his headphones. I put my headphones on and try to fall back asleep, but between the light and sound coming off of this guy, there’s no chance. I consider saying something but settle on a passive aggressive turn away from him. A half hour passes—nothing. My back is aching and my eyes are clenched shut but I’m wide awake, and getting mad. I’m thinking about calling him out: I would, all calculated, rip off my headphones, turn to him and say “Will you give it a rest?!” He’d either apologize, deferring to my obvious rightness, or say “Hey man I’m just doing my thing/I gotta work/something to this effect,” and I’d snarkily say “Well can you do it without keeping everyone else on the damn plane up?” Yeah, I’m awesome, I’m a hero. I settle on the non-confrontational route and think about asking the attendant for a sleep mask. When I open my eyes, the “call attendant” light it blinking. What happened? Is someone else gonna call this guy out? Does this airplane respond to passive-aggressive thoughts? The attendant comes over to our three-person row and waits for one of us to ask him for something, but no one does. He stands there for a beat, unspeaking, and I shrug at him without taking off my headphones.
Let me be clear. I didn’t chicken out. I did chicken out. But I didn’t call the guy. I couldn’t just swoop in on someone else’s call. Maybe something else was going on, something more pressing. Gremlin on the wing, et al. Then I just look like an asshole. Attendant leaves and I follow, ask him for a sleep mask cause the guy next to me has been on his laptop the whole damn flight. He tells me there’s only an hour or so until we land. Also we don’t have sleep masks. Fair enough. Head back to my seat and decide to get on my own laptop, with my f.lux lighting set to “candle—super dim.” That’ll show the fucker who’s courteous. I organize documents, pictures; bury porn that I’d lazily saved straight to my desktop. The guy next to me pushes the attendant button. Well that solves that. Attendant comes over and the guy next to me is unaffected, looking straight ahead, absorbed by his music. I’m not about to help him so I pretend not to see the attendant. He only stays for a couple seconds this time.
Getting near Philadelphia, tray tables go up. Guy next to me calls the attendant a third time. The light blinks for about five minutes, no doubt while the attendant decides how he’s gonna tell us off. He comes over and launches right into it, I take off my headphones.
“…third time I’ve been over here…”
I elbow the guy next to me, kinda hard. He jumps, takes off his Beats and looks up.
“…even acknowledge me.”
Guy next to me says “Sorry, I can’t see.” No shit, it’s dark and you’re wearing Gucci shades over half your face.
“Well what do you want?”
“Can I get a glass of water, no ice?”
The attendant already has one in his hand. “Here, take it.” We land. Guy two rows ahead of me asks to help grab his bag from the overhead bin. Guy next to me is doing that awkward half stand of someone trying to join the sovereign people of Aislestandistan, but I’m boxing him in. His head is right in front of the bin I need to open. “Hey, watch your head,” I ask a little too softly, like I do. “Hey excuse me can you watch your head?” People are looking. Guy sitting on the other side of him taps him and he realizes what’s going on, ducks. I grab the guys bag and pass it forward. I ask the same favor of someone sitting two rows behind me. We stand for a few minutes while the uppermiddle class deplane. I do that thing you do when you’re awkwardly close to a group of strangers for an awkwardly long time—my eyes half dart around, half look down at my sweater. Get caught looking at that blonde girl twice. I notice that the guy sitting next to me has a stack of short tubes in his hand, the length of straws and the width of fingers. The hell is that? People clear up and I’m finally about to get off the plane when the guy sitting next to me stands up right in front of me and starts feeling around at the overhead bin across the aisle. A woman behind us sees this and taps me, gesturing towards him “can you…” Can I? Can I what, help him? Why should I help…mother fucker. I am the dumbest person I know.
TL;DR: Sat next to a blind guy on my flight and was mad at him for being a dick, didn't realize he was blind and totally not a dick.
SynSyx: > I notice that the guy sitting next to me has a stack of short tubes in his hand, the length of straws and the width of fingers. The hell is that?
The hell were they?
PagingCraig: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/2/26/Long_cane_folded.jpg
whatshalike: bingo
| 4 | 11 | |
1384966553 | 1384996219 | null | t5_2to41 | 45 | immediatefracture: TIFU by desperately trying to succeed, but instead convincing a large group of people that I am a fuck face.
Super long story short, shit in my life is a little rough right now. With my horrible inability to deal with large amounts of stress at one time, naturally I started to fall behind on school work a bit.
But today, today I had a revelation. Today I said I would do well.
Only had I not forgotten that something has always got to give.
Anyway. So I'm in Calculus, getting ready to start a quiz when prof asks if anyone has any questions, and I remember that I don't quite remember how to do something. So I promptly raise my hand and begin to try to explain what concept it is exactly that I am not grasping.
Word vomit at it's best. It comes out something like "I can't.. remember how to do one of the things you assigned last week for homework and and uhhhh I just... can we go over it?"
With which she so rightly responds "What the hell are you talking about."
Now, this woman is no fucking joke. Very fuck you personality and extraordinarily obvious when she's judging you.
So there I am, freeeeeeeeaking out because she's staring into my soul and I can't be at ease really because she's intimidating me and i'm scared, I start to blurt out something along the lines of, "RIGHT, BUT I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO IT." Maybe only, two or three octaves below the frequency only fucking dogs can hear.
It gets better.
I hear a light chuckle from someone behind me, as my professor begins to start going over I guess what she could only assume was the issue I had. I get all ashamed and shit, and interrupt her with "Oh, I get it now."
She shoots me a look that could make Jackie Chan shit his pants, and continues reviewing a problem that I had later realized was not the problem I was struggling with at all.
Failed the quiz anyway, along with any social composure I had before 8am this morning.
tl;dr ate a stale french fry and cried about it later.
CaptainBenza: Did you at least have ketchup!?
immediatefracture: Oh how much more bearable it would've been!
| 3 | 15 | |
1384967879 | 1385050826 | null | t5_2to41 | 3,250 | Futurames: TIFU by stripping on front of all of my coworkers.
Just a short bit of context. Where I work, we have uniform shirts and I wear mine over another plain t-shirt. Every day when I leave I go to my locker, take off my toolbelt and work shirt and go home, pretty much in that order.
Well today for some reason, I decided to take off my work shirt before reaching my locker. Then, out of habit, once I reached my locker, my brain demanded that clothing be removed. So, I proceed to take off my regular shirt and am standing there in my bra for a good three and a half seconds before I felt a breeze and realized what I had done.
This all happened in front of my entire group of male coworkers as well as a bunch of customers. Keep in mind that this is a hardware store so the customer base is largely men. I don't think they all processed exactly what they had just seen.
Hope you enjoyed the show boys.
tl;dr: a bunch of guys at the hardware store got a good look at my nuts and bolts.
leverofsound: Nuts and bolts is probably not what you want to say as a woman...
Futurames: True. Boobies it is.
Neebat: Fixtures.
Depending on the type of hardware store, they could be Headlights.
If you're proud, they're Power Tools. If you're not, they're Plumb Bobs.
If you watched 40-year-old Virgin, they're sand bags. If not, you should.
If you work in gardening, they're Slug Bait.
If they're covered, Tool Holsters. If not, Spot Lights.
Regardless, they're awesome.
TL;DR: You showed the customers your Accessories.
mad87645: Now all I can think is a prostitute sells accessories and accessories' accessories.
OddlyStrangeMan: Gah dang right!
Dallas_Corbin: Huh huh, I do love jokes about propa- wait... Bwhaaaaaaa?!?!
BuzzsGirlfriendWoof: Just to let you know, Corbin Dallas will be my son's name. And I'm excited.
Dallas_Corbin: sweet
| 9 | 361.111111 | |
1384965286 | 1384984152 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | krogi: TIFU by agreeing to a drunk jumping contest
This happened about half a year ago but anyways.
I had just moved into my own apartment and took the opportunity to throw a party. Everything went great for a while untill a friend of mine challenged me to a jumping contest. Fair enough, we were both pretty drunk and i of course accepted. I went first, we were trying to reach my stupidly high up ceiling, no problem. Then he went and things got bad.
Mid-jump he swings his arms upwards to gain a little more momentum and of course swings directly at my nose! Not just hitting my nose but punching it with a closed fist UPWARDS! A second later i was on the floor in a fetal-position bleeding everywhere and laughing my ass of because i had not yet seen my face.
It was luckily far from as painfull as all the shocked faces staring at me would imply (probably due to the alcohol)
I ran for the bathroom still bleeding everywhere. When i got to the mirror i saw something i did not recognize, my nose... wonkier than willy himself.
I paniced and did the first thing that came to mind, i grabbed it...
Sharp pains and crunching sounds followed. As the drunken idiot i was, i was also convinced it would stay like that unless i broke it back in place.
So i did and god damn crusty crab that was not fucking pleasant!
I later went to the doctor and everything was alright luckily but still, NOT something i want to happen again!
PS: my nose still crunches if i bend it!
SecChf_RocIngersol: I was hoping this title meant you were challenged to a contest of who could jump over more drunk people.
krogi: that would have been so much better!
i'll try that at the next party, the results will probably show up somewhere on this sub
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1384965707 | 1385104007 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | d_saintsation_b: TIFU by getting hot sauce in my eye.
So this may be pretty self explanatory. My friend urged me to try a new hot sauce that he had made from scratch, with the warning that this was viciously spicy. I tried it, and it was really good, and incredibly hot. After stomaching that, I forgot that there was residue on my pinkie finger. Cue eye rubbing. Holy shit that was the most pain I have ever felt, I spent about ten minutes just pouring cold water into my eye. It's still a bit red, but word to the wise, don't fucking do that.
Jesus.
Instantcretin: Milk will help a lot more than cold water. Remember that for next time.
mort96: milk in the eye sounds rather unpleasant...
Instantcretin: It is hundreds more times more pleasant than something thats high in capsacin.
| 4 | 7 | |
1384987205 | 1385007919 | null | t5_2to41 | 88 | octnoir: TIFU by getting arrested and losing my firm two million dollars in clients.
So nearly a year ago I was working at a high end investments firm as a new analyst for a month and everything is going fine. I'm dealing with complex derivatives and modeling blah blah blah.
So story is me and my brother are trying for green cards/permanent residencies only my brother didn't come to the US on time so the day earlier, he gets kicked off the flight and is stuck in our home country and is summoned to a court hearing months later.
We look similar and our names are the same EXCEPT for my middle name which is customary (and I use this middle name) and I applied/got the job using this middle name (it didn't matter at the time - every other record was using this middle name except for my foreign passport). One week later after my brother got into this trouble (I didn't know at all about what happened), two guys in suits come up to my cubicle, and ask me my full name - I say yeah, that's me but I go by "MIDDLE NAME". Can you come with us please? My boss asks what the hell is going on and the immigration guys tell him I am illegally staying in the US and I will face jail time for using a fake identification.
I went out kicking and screaming and was stuck in jail for one day until my friend comes by with another friend (lawyer) to sort out the mess. I get released with apologies. BUT that's not the bad part.
So I come back to work and get told that I am fired. My boss says he wants me back because I'm good, but the head of the firm saw the whole thing along with three rich clients who get spooked by the whole affair. The head was hoping to make a lot of business as these clients were high net worth. They leave, and taking their network and business with them.
"Overall, you lost the firm two million. Possibly more. I want you back. F***, the entire department wants you back. I even explained the whole situation and showed it was all a misunderstanding but she wouldn't listen. All my bosses say you're too much of a risk and you've done enough damage to the firm's reputation. But I can't do anything except give you this recommendation later and these contacts. I hope we can get drinks again. I'm sorry. Good luck." I get served a termination letter the following day.
TLDR; I got fired from my job when immigration arrested me thinking I was my brother and spooked three clients who backed out causing the firm to lose two million of potential business.
zalloy: So, you got in trouble over something that happened to your brother? It doesn't sound like you fucked up. It sounds like your brother fucked things up by getting kicked off the flight and getting in trouble. And then, the immigration cops fucked up by mistaking you for your brother, since you had the same first and last names.
It sucks, but now you're paying the price for their fuckups. You'll probably never be able to explain your way back into that job, but at least you got a good reference and some contacts out of it. Have some drinks with your old boss, and use it as a good opportunity to network your way into another good job.
And kick your brother in the ass for getting into trouble and getting himself a warrant for arrest, costing you a valuable job opportunity. Not much else you can do about the false arrest. You can talk to a lawyer, but they would be better equipped to give advice about that than I.
adj1: I think the kicking and screaming part is the fuckup. If he had just walked out peacefully no one would have noticed.
| 3 | 29.333333 | |
1384990698 | 1385815919 | null | t5_2to41 | 65 | BorneTM: TIFU by accidentally grabbing a girls left tit
So here I am. The ending of 3rd period math. As you know, the last couple of minutes in class everybody stands up and lines up at the door to get ready to go. I am no exception. Occasionally, I grab the back of my backpack to ensure my phone is still there (long story). I did just that. However, unbeknownst to me, there was a girl with semi-large tits speed walking to the door (I was facing the other way). Swinging my hands back, unknowingly that the girl was coming, I accidentally grabbed a handful of her left tit. This has to be the most awkward experience I have experienced in a long time.
tl;dr: Was going to check phone, accidentally grabbed a left tit.
Genocyclone: Similar story, we were in PE playing kickball. The ball goes in the air between where this girl and I are standing. We both reach for the ball, she jumps up, I stay on the ground. Her right boob goes in my left hand. We both know what just happened, but nobody saw it. I pretend it didn't happen because I don't want to get in trouble, and she does the same because she is embarrassed.
TL:DR I got a free tit grab at a kickball game.
[deleted]: How old were you when this happened?
I can't really think of a time when
* I would be happy to grab boobs
* Girls were developed enough to have boobs
* We did fun things in gym like kickball rather than mile running and tethered swimming
Genocyclone: Don't remember exactly, but about 14-ish.
Snannybobo: That sounds about right, so about 8th or 9th grade? Some are sorta developed by then.
ChemicalTuberTV: I'm 11-12 and in 6th grade and they totally are.
Gstpierre: No they aren't.
| 7 | 9.285714 | |
1384991763 | 1385131262 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | tayaravaknin: TIFU by having a movie-style car-accident.
Already having a bad day, I try to take my dog to get groomed. The appointment is for 11:30AM.
As I'm driving, she decides "Hey, now must be a great time to bark!" So of course, she does. As I'm turning around, startled, I don't notice the person in front of me stopping, and rear-end them.
Did I get hurt or do much damage? No. Is she probably going to sue for bodily injury on some claim because she "has back problems" that she mentioned? Probably. And you know what, maybe she does have back problems. Either way, there goes more insurance money!
And did I mention that when I got to the groomer's, they *had gone out to lunch?* I was late, which means not only did I manage to end up getting into a car accident and completely fucking up by getting my insurance to likely go through the roof, but I did so and *still* didn't manage to make it to the pet groomer's.
Today...today I'm going to lay in bed and do nothing. All day. Yeah, this wasn't spectacularly bad, but it feels good to write it somewhere.
tayaravaknin: Sorry if this is too ordinary.
kroneksix: Hardly hollywood. BUT. I rearended someone earlier this year, I know those feelings. Your insurance is going to go up, but see if you had accident forgiveness on your account, if you do you pay nothing and it wont cause your rates to go up.
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1384997027 | 1384997883 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | guy_in_the_bushes: TIFU by trying to give a friend advice.
So a lot of people see my friend as intimidating and critical. This is because she is extremely smart and hard working. Now, I always like to try to see what others think about me so that I can improve my attitude and be a better person and all that jazz. I thought I might try to help her out with that. That was were I fucked up. I mentioned to her today that I had noticed a lot of people find her to be critical. Now, Tact has never been my strong suit, but today was especially bad.
I was trying to make it seem like a by-the-by comment but she really took it to heart and questioned me like she was a Grand Inquisitor. She thought (or maybe thinks) that I was trying to start shit between her and a few other people. I can see that I was being a gossip, but that wasn't my intention. So she's pissed off at me for being a bitch and I likely just lost a good friend. Well shit. I fucked that up.
ceruleanic: When she asked you about your comment, was she being intimidating and critical? If so, is that not evidence of the very thing she was being accused of?
guy_in_the_bushes: Yup. But the lesson I'm taking away is that people will come to you if they want advice. And if there is someone smarter than you, don't play mind games with them or act in such a way that they think that you are playing mind games with them.
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1385000864 | 1385005622 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | crazyone09: HELP
crazyone09: *created, *tranny. Sorry
Perk456: when you see him/her go grab his/er balls and shake them whilist saying "nice to meet you"
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1385002643 | 1385390838 | null | t5_2to41 | 171 | fatdumbbitch: TIFU when my autistic brother played with my old masterbation bat.
When I was younger and first becoming familiar with my body I 'played' with a novelty baseball bat. It's a quarter of the size of a real bat and had a smooth finish. I have long since abandoned it for more appropriate battery operated devices. I cleaned it up and hid it in the back of a closet. Today I came home from campus and found my younger, autistic brother playing with the bat. He was holding it and stroking the wood and my heart stopped.
I was mortified and tried to ignore that this embarrassing childhood pleasure had resurfaced. But I wasn't gonna let this get to me. It was the end of a long day of school and work and I just wanted to have dinner and relax. Dinner had been eaten without me, so I whip it out of the fridge and into the microwave. Nothing, not even my pleasure bat, was going to keep me from relaxing. What was the worse that could happen?
My brother obliged Murphy's law. He starts tapping it on the table to a beat set by a rhythmically challenged drummer. This interrupted my mom's favorite show, The Voice. Like one domino toppling another, my mom not enjoying her show upset my dad, who tries his best to afford her those few moments she can enjoy herself (the challenges of having an autistic child).
Dad removes the bat from my brother's grasp and hushes any protest from my sibling. Now there's two family members that have touched my makeshift dildo. I was just gonna try and concentrate on my meal. My dad moved to get off the couch and presumably hide the bat. He however needs surgery on his leg, restricting his movement and requiring a certain amount of daily pain pills. I'm not sure if he was actually being mindful of his limitations or if he was coming up on needing more medication, but he decides he's not going to leave the couch.
He calls me over from the dinning room, where I'm still trying to eat, and ask me to hide the bat in his room. I put on my poker face and take the bat. I stride with as much nonchalance as can be mustered, and hide the bat under my parent's bed.
So here I am, trying to keep my composure with my retired dildo bat hidden in my dad's room and it's location not hidden very well from my autistic brother. Needless to say, I no longer have an interest in finishing my dinner.
ninjassin: This is embarrassing, but i automatically thought you were using the bat to somehow masturbate with your penis...i'm so fucking stupid sometimes. When i read dildo i was so mindfucked.
mothael: You're not stupid.. I thought it too lol
acrosonic: I was thinking OP was a guy too but used it as an anal toy. Which is much grosser for others to touch.
My story, my14yr daughter saw my glass dildo in the clean dishwasher, asked what it was. I told her it's used to massage back muscles. That's would of been ok but I was panicking and rub it on her back to show her. Really weird.
Oh yeah I remember my husband had put it in there so I think he had used it analy. I hope it's erased from her mind so she doesn't realize it in a couple of years and go ewwww
Edit auto corrected
Chaotic_Flame: If she's 14...I think it might be too late.
acrosonic: I know she plays with herself but hopefully she doesn't recognize a wavy glass rod as a dildo.
cousky: WHY WOULD YOU PUT YOUR DILDO IN THE DISHWASHER?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
acrosonic: TO WASH AND SANITIZE IT!!!
Freezing_Dart: CAPITAL LETTERS!
acrosonic: AND EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!
| 10 | 17.1 | |
1385011875 | 1385097187 | null | t5_2to41 | 30 | MadameQuiggles: TIFU by folding laundry.
Today when I went to put away the laundry for my mother I found out that she was upset at me because I didn't hear the buzzer go off. I continued to fold the laundry so there wasn't much to get in trouble for, but out of no where my mother starts yelling "You never do anything unless I get mad or unless it's on your damned computer!" Wow. Okay, that was totally out of the blue and I know that if I say anything back it will just be wrong, so I just continue and finish folding the clothes and fall back to my bedroom after I'm done.
"GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE." .. what did I do now? I continue to walk out in to the kitchen where my mother waits impatiently for me and then screams to sit down at the kitchen table. "YOU NEVER DO ANYTHING I ASK AND YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ME. YOU ONLY SIT ON YOUR COMPUTER AND PLAY SHITTY GAMES AND WANT TO BE WITH YOUR FRIENDS AND YOU NEVER DO ANYTHING HELPFUL AROUND THE HOUSE ANYMORE. WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO LIVE WITH YOUR GRANDMOTHER AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE? I'M FUCKING DONE." All of this followed by my mother stomping out of the front door and slamming both the main door and the screen door. Unable to really control my tears, seeing as how I was just told how worthless I was and to get the "fuck out" of my home... I continued to pick up the glass jar she smashed against the kitchen floor and put away the laundry I was busy with before this ordeal broke out.
I figured I might as well take this as the time to try to move out. I'm eighteen and in college. My home-life has gone down-hill very fast since my mother had been diagnosed with a specific type of bone cancer. She feels horrible every day and I try my hardest to please her, but I suppose this was the chance I needed to take to have at least a week to calm both of ourselves down until we can talk about a compromise of our feelings. I addressed this idea to my brother and father and both of them told me to do as I felt was best, but of course my father wanted me to stay at home and just ignore it until she was calm. Nearly impossible.
When my mother got home again I asked in a very nice way if I could spend a few days over at my friends house (this friend had been there through the entire thing and was planning on leaving that day anyways). Mother was very unhappy. "No. No. Because I said no. No. No, you will not." Well.. I did anyways because I'm eighteen and I suppose I'll have to learn from my experiences and this will be one of them, whether I made a huge mistake or not. My mother went on another tantrum and started hitting things off of the walls and blurted out "I'M LEAVING." slammed the door and left in the truck. I was told to leave everything behind, but we all know we can't survive with nothing. I took whatever I could and had my friend help me pack. I had her mother on the way to help us get to the McDonalds to activate my old WalMart phone online when I realize that I can't do that until the battery's charged.
*So here I am, sitting at the shitty fast food restaurant at 6:30 PM with no phone or anything really.* I decided to go to my boyfriends, which no one expected, and was able to contact my grandmother.
I am now sitting at my grandmother's house, which I guess is now my "home." Today was truly my biggest fuck up of my eighteen years on this planet.
**EDIT:** So I went to try to confront my mother about a possible agreement as to how we could settle our issues and just let things slide back down the pointy slope until we were okay again... That went HORRIBLY. I came back with my grandmother after receiving a text stating my mother was starting to gut out my room (Which had roughly a grand worth of money of electronics, if not more, still inside that I couldn't get in my rushed exit). My mother was breaking down in tears on the porch when we arrived, which tore me apart, and my grandmother and I tried to talk with her but all we got was that she wasn't over it and she didn't want to talk. I gathered what I could, all of my expensive items and got out.
After I transported all of my items my grandmother decided it might be a good idea to open up my own bank account; my original one was attached to my father's account. So we went to do that, but had to postpone it due to my lack of ID that I forgot that morning in a scrambled mess to get my items. On the way BACK to the bank, the second time, my grandmother received a text stating that my mother couldn't take it and she just wanted to hug and hold me again. We decided the bank could wait.
When I got back to the house, I came inside and I told my mother I was there for her and that everything was okay. I comforted her as best as I could and eventually i got out of her that she didn't want me to move out and that she wouldn't scream anymore and that she was sorry for her actions. She for some reason was convinced I wouldn't move back in and told me to take the white car so I could get to college and back every day on my own.. sweet, but I don't think I'd be able to take the car if it was at my grandmothers and I was at home.
In the end: My mother needed to rest so my grandmother and I fixed supper for everyone and served her what she felt she could eat, she helped me to reactivate my cell phone so I could have a means of communication again, I brought my stuff back over and told my mother that I would stay, but eventually she will have to come to terms that I am not her and I do not see everything she thinks needs to be done every day. And that she couldn't have been so upset over dirt that she would be THAT upset: something else must have been really pulling her down, but I would be there for her.
*So here I am at 10:50 PM posting on Reddit, laying in my own bed, wishing this entire thing would have just never happened.*
**TL:DR: FUCK YOU FOR NOT READING IT TOOK ME FOREVER TO TYPE THIS.**
**Real TL:DR: Yesterday I got kicked out and now I'm back woop family issues i'm so depressed**
ilikeyoualatte: I'm sorry that you had to go through that, but it doesn't sound like your mother is being fair. Yes, she has an illness and should be cut some slack, but she doesn't have the right to treat you like shit especially because you don't sound like a bad person. I don't know what your situation is, but living somewhere else for awhile could be a good thing. Luckily, my mom has gotten nicer (for the most part) since she has been diagnosed with a terminal illness. She was a terror when she had breast cancer, though.
eraser-dust: I agree with this wholeheartedly. It sounds to me like she doesn't quite know how to deal with the emotions about her illness and she's taking it out on you. Unfortunately this is a pretty common occurence for those who are given dire diagnoses. Some time to straighten things out sounds like an excellent road to take, at this point. It sounds like you are a fairly decent person and your mom is grieving over the fact that she will no longer have the life she used to live. I'm sorry you have to deal with this and I honestly hope things improve.
MadameQuiggles: Thank you both and I will keep this thread updated. I think that today I will try to talk to her, not have a one-sided conversation and be screamed at. I have no idea what her problem is or was, but she needs to realize this is no way to act just because you're not feeling well and because "I'M THE SICK ONE." My grandmother and I are going to try to see if she will compromise with me with what there will be in the house; however at this point in time, my mother told my grandmother that her and my father will take away things like my car... well then how am I supposed to get to college? I guess that would rule out me living at home again. We'll see how it goes.
Chronoblivion: Is it your car, or is it their car that they let you use? With anything they purchased it can very much be gray area unfortunately, but they have no right to keep belongings that are undeniably yours. That's definitely theft. Hopefully this gets resolved in a peaceable manner.
MadameQuiggles: I updated the whole thing in the main body up above, but the car was actually still registered to my grandfather who passed away three years ago. My mother has it insured but my grandmother was the partial owner. It's just a car everyone juggled around and it landed at our place. Since my mother now has a truck of her own, I kind of considered it my car.
| 6 | 5 | |
1385013752 | 1385080548 | null | t5_2to41 | 593 | Bareback112: TIFU - By not closing the door...
I was round at a party of a girl who I had had previous sexual relations before. So i felt pretty confident I would get sex again at this party. We drank all night and her little brother who has just started drinking as he's young came out and got high with us. It was a great night and me and the girl end up going to bed earlier.
Round 1 was great, round two was better. Two used condoms I wish I had deposed of properly...
I get up in the morning and go and make some coffee, as we're friends and had known each other for years. So it was OK to help myself.
Next thing I hear is a shout and a fall.
What had happened was when I went downstairs to get coffee, I left the bedroom door open. The dog went in, into the bin and extracted one of the used condoms...
He then took the condom into the hall and left it at the top of the stairs...
The little brother... hearing I was awake and probably wanting coffee too decides to come downstairs. He steps on the condom, it sticks to his foot and he proceeds to fall down the stairs....
TLDR: Had sex at a girls house, evil dog steels used condom to plot attack on her little brother....
CreamyPotato: How badly I want to quote "I write sins not tradgedies" by panic at the disco right rown
drunk-on-wine: Please, creamypotato, let us bathe in your words. I await your quotation with a sense of awe and wonder
mort96: Haven't you people ever heard of closing the god damn door?!
No, it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality.
Duhya: Oh that's what he says? I always kinda just mumble the part.
mort96: well IDK, I just googled the lyrics. Never even heard of the song before.
Duhya: Oh... Neat.
| 7 | 84.714286 | |
1385037693 | 1385962290 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU because his parents caught me giving him a blow job.
Our back story is very long and confusing and it's not very relevant to this but anyway, my ex and I were hanging out in his room (we're around 17 years old by the way) and somehow one thing led to another. His parents are hardcore religious people so you can imagine his dad's reaction when he walked past my ex's room and he sees the panicked look on our faces. We couldn't close the door, we weren't allowed to.
Now it's very awkward between his parents and us. I don't think they'll ever look at us the same way ever again. I can't even visit my best friend (ex) anymore. I don't know what to do. I know it was dumb. I'm so aware of all the wrong-ness of the situation that we were in. Freaking teenage brain.
TL; DR: ate the lollipop at the wrong time.
whelp_welp: My parents don't let girls in my room. I thought that was normal, but now I'm not so sure. I definitely understand why, though.
Y0USER: Same here. If a girl is a my house when my mom is home she won't let me have her in my room. Is it normal?
TheBranman: Adult here. It is normal.
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1385048734 | 1385167694 | null | t5_2to41 | 48 | nunyabeans: TIFU by using a fake key card at school.
Well at my school you have to use HID key cards and if you don't have yours you get detention. Well i lost mine and i don't feel like missing lunch for not having it so i made a fake one. But my principle is a bitch and decided to test mine and now may send me to the honor council which if i got in trouble would have to be reported to the college i already got into.
Tl;DR: used fake keycard got caught might effect possible college choice
[deleted]: Just be honest with them about what happened. That's really your only opinion now =/.
nunyabeans: this is the option i have gone with. Will let y'all know what happens
[deleted]: *fingers crossed for good luck*
elshroom: I'm going to cross mine to cancel out your good wishes.
[deleted]: Whyy
elshroom: I don't feel at peace when something is happy. I'm going to therapy for it.
[deleted]: Oh Okay =)
| 8 | 6 | |
1385059673 | 1385152079 | null | t5_2to41 | 144 | N_skrilla: TIFU by getting habanero powder on my genitals
So around this time of year at the organic garden I work at, all of the hottest peppers we've been growing from early in the year have finished ripening, and are ready to be processed. My job in this is to take the dried habaneros and use a small device to grind them into pepper flakes.
Now anyone thats ever eaten a habanero knows that they are one spicy motherfucker of a pepper. Like 100 times more potent than a jalapeno. And to top it off, if you touch one of them with your bare hands, it'll burn like a motherfucker for about an hour.
So as I was making the emptying the flakes into a container, some of the residual powder left over spilled onto the leg of my pants. I thought nothing of it at the time, and just figured I'd wash my pants after I got done with my shift in a few hours.
Well once those few hours had passed, I had totally forgotten about the seemingly minor incident. When I got home and got ready to take a shower, I must have thrown my underwear on top of my pants; right where the habanero powder had set in. After I got out of the shower and put them back on, it took about 5 minutes after for me to realize how badly I fucked up.
The burning set in, as well as the panic. It started off as a dull burning which was uncomfortable but bearable, but just kept elevating for a solid 15 minutes. To give you a good idea of how this felt, just imagine the spiciest thing you've ever eaten in your life, the try to imagine that burning sensation of your gens. Hell, even the "icy hot to the balls" challenge didn't hold a candle to this. I immediately ran to the bathroom to try to wash the stuff off, but once it sets in you just have to ride it out. The burning went on for a solid hour before it decided to die down, and all the while I was sweating like hell and trying not to vomit from the shear pain of the whole ordeal.
tl;dr: Got one of the spiciest peppers in the world on my genitals, and I had to ride the pain out for an hour.
falling_slowly: No where near one of the spiciest peppers but still sucks. Vegetable oil will take away the burn from the capsaicin.
KovaaK: Tbh, once you reach a tolerance for habanero peppers, ghost peppers aren't a that distant of a jump. I haven't tried a trinidad scorpion though...
IWantAFuckingUsename: I got ghost peppers in my eyes...
mabvs: Are [these](http://www.attriumph.com/wp-content/uploads/44_4_ME6_Bild4_mit_EBT-300x176.jpg) hard to use?
IWantAFuckingUsename: I'd have to know what it is.
mabvs: [Braille Keyboard](https://www.handytech.de/produkte.php?produkt=44&lang=en). Kinda neat really.
ilikeeatingbrains: I don't want blind people watching me touch myself.
| 8 | 18 | |
1385066491 | 1385090446 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,243 | [deleted]: TIFU by dropping my dildo in front of my crush
GETALIFE
[deleted]: He may have been shocked, but I doubt he was turned off by it; in fact, this probably enhanced your chances of getting the D. Go back to the cafe.
Fgmaniac: Tell him you want to try anal.
When you're both naked pull out the dildo and say *me first.*
That'll turn him on like crazy.
_used_to_lurk_: /r/ShitCosmoSays
poswimol: For some reason I always thought it meant Cosmo from Fairly Odd Parents. Turns out it's Cosmopolitan. I'm not gonna lie though, that green-haired motherfucker was pretty damn funny
shutupkait: Cosmo: I have good news, and bad news!
Timmy: what's the good news?
C: I found a nickel and I named it Shirley!
T: what's the bad news?
C: IT'S A BOY!
FlawlessAlles: No no he named it Phillip and it was girl nickel
shutupkait: Oh gosh! Did I ever misremeber that xD how did Shirley even get into my head?!
Also, don't forget the rabies! Everybody loves rabies! Yay rabies!
| 8 | 280.375 | |
1385070961 | 1385091512 | null | t5_2to41 | 74 | [deleted]: TIFU by forgetting to wash my hands
I work in a research lab, en route to getting my master's degree. It's a biochemical lab, so there's not too much that's very dangerous, and overall it's a pretty relaxed place to work. Despite official policy pretty much nobody wears lab coats or goggles, shorts abound in the summer, and gloves are mainly to keep from contaminating your sample rather than protecting your hands. It can be easy in this environment to sort of forget that safety is still important sometimes.
Yesterday I got to the lab at 8:30 am and was there until about 8 pm, having had a lot of work to finish up. Most of my days that run that long include a lot of downtime, but on this occasion I was actually doing work for most of it. Tedious, monotonous, soul-crushing work, involving repeated treatments with a base, that left me exhausted and brain-dead at the end of the day.
I leave the lab and breathe a sigh of relief, and take a much-needed urination break before heading home. I enter the washroom, zip down, and grab my donger, as is man's sacred right. Suddenly, I feel a sort of itch. I ignore it and continue as I was, but before long the itch intensifies. And then it transforms into a burning. The burning is gentle at first; it does not remain so. Soon it feels as though a scornful fire elemental is attempting to blow me and I am trying very hard to stay still so as not to piss all over myself, despite the fiery waves of pain that now crash upon my pubic shore.
When it becomes too much to bear, I am thankfully nearly done but still manage to splatter some on my pants as I am forced to let go, doubling over with my pants half-down before I finally recover somewhat from the pain. The supernova heat has die down to a much calmer, smaller nova, and I force the thing back into my pants.
I evidently forgot to wash my hands after working with the base all day. It wasn't that concentrated, so it didn't hurt my hands or anything like that, but as soon as I touched my sensitive wang-flesh it made its wretched presence known. Looking at it once I got home, my dangler was redder than that of the devil himself and covered in delightful blisters. It still hurts like a bitch.
**TL;DR:**
>There once was a man in a lab
>In the washroom his penis he grabbed
>When suddenly, pain,
>Like his dick was in flames,
>So bad he'd have rather been stabbed.
zerodegree79: ?
[deleted]: A base is a 14 on the pH scale. 7 is water, and 0 is acid. A base is usually just as extreme as acid, so it was comparable to him getting acid on his dick
EDIT: Mixed up 0 and 14
Biscuits_81: It's the other way around. Acid is 0, base is 14
[deleted]: Fixed.
| 5 | 14.8 | |
1385073344 | 1385083609 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | phailcakez: TIFU by unofficially auditing a class to save money.
the short of it is, I am not officially registered for this class at all. Due to an agreement between myself and the prof, i would be able to attend class, read the material and participate in discussion, but not be actually registered for the class at all, even as an auditor. I didn't need the credits at all, so this would allow me to save some money and still take a class I was interested in and as an added bonus, I didn't have to write any papers.
This was all going fine until today when i went for advisement. I am due to graduate this December, but found out that I cannot due to a three hour credit shortage in my major field. The kicker is that if I had been registered for the class, everything would have been fine. So, I did actually need the class...
The only reason I didn't think I needed the class was because my advisor and I went over my records this spring and he insisted that everything was good to go and I was on track to graduate with just my registered classes.
I don't even really believe that I fucked up here, but I guess i did somehow.
Now I am stuck for another semester of class paying out the wazoo. My husband is REALLY unhappy about it, as he is the one paying and I feel like I did what I was supposed to do and it still went wrong. My energy toward attending the non-credit class also just flew out the window because now I'll just be stewing over the fact that I should have been doing it for credit.
zugtug: Well on the plus side, you'll have seen the material twice so you'll have a much better chance of getting a good grade in the class I would assume. And missing a day or two won't affect you as badly, provided you're allowed to miss days in this class. Look on the bright side?
phailcakez: Im going to take a different class in the spring due to scheduling conflicts, but thanks for the optimism.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1385079202 | 1385163767 | null | t5_2to41 | 94 | throwaway122345959: TIFU by not closing my door.
These story starts with me jacking off like many of the posts here start. After I had finished I decided to go again because fuck it. After I finished I clean myself up with the paper towels I leave near my desk.
I then get up and pull my pants back up, turn to grab my shirt and notice that my door was open. I had locked it but the latch is kinda iffy. The thing is that it wouldn't have opened unless someone had at least tried to open it.
I would feel more embarrassed than actually worried if I had I not been looking at...wait for it...GAY PORN! The main issue here is that my parents aren't too fond of homosexuals.
Now, i'm not sure if anyone actually saw or not (My room is away from all the other main rooms) but I'm too scared to go downstairs for fear of what might await me.
lostdeceiver: Go downstairs and don't act suspicious.
SoyPopo: Fuck that! Go down stairs and act suspicious.
worriedmtgdork: Fuck that! Just eat your cum. No evidence.
TheUprightMan: Fuck that! Make your dad eat your cum. Wincest.
Tek2674: Fuck all that, make your cum eat your dad, no witnesses.
Then keep said cum in your room randomly feeding more and more people to it, the documentary shall be called 'little splooge of horrors'
TheUprightMan: All I hear is, "Feed me Seymour!" ^ This guy has got the winning fucking ticket
breasticon: "Feed me -- Seman!"
| 8 | 11.75 | |
1385074319 | 1385272315 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | ohcrapitsthatguy: TIFU by taking a chemistry exam without my calculator.
So I took a Chemistry 1 (university) exam (which you "needed" a calculator) without my calculator. I had a study session before going to the exam, and once I got to the exam room I realized my calculator was no longer in my backpack. I figured the professors weren't going to look too kindly upon my situation, 'cause you know college, so I thought "fuck it, what's the worse that could happen?" and took the test. After walking out of the large auditorium, I feel an odd lump on the side of my backpack. Wouldn't you know it, my calculator decided to chill on the side of all my stuff instead of staying at the top like it normally does... In my haste freaking out searching for it I only checked the top and bottom of my stuff, not the sides.
placid871: How did you end up doing? I must imagine some of the calculations were difficult to do without a calculator? And you definitely should have asked a TA or someone around you for an extra calculator. It isn't pleasant, but your grades and your tuition money are at stake here! Hope it all turned out well, but always remember to fight for yourself in college, no matter how unpleasant it may be. (I took Chem 1 as well..)
ohcrapitsthatguy: Ended up getting a 92% with the curve! And yeah, there came a point (generally when largely exponents came along) where I was stuck without a calculator. Since you took chem 1, to give better context it was our exam on gas laws, phase diagrams and the different types of solids/crystal lattices.
octnoir: Yeah, calculators shouldn't be too important in Chem 1 (med school here), but I'm sure a letter grade would have been affected.
Still don't know how you did in the exam! In college, a 92% with the curve could be the same thing as saying "I got a 10/100 in an exam, and everyone else got 0s! I GOT AN A!" XD
ohcrapitsthatguy: Without the curve, would have been nearly a B (77%), so with no calculator I consider it a win, though it's always disappointing to know you could have done 8% better by not going full retard.
| 5 | 4.6 | |
1385087244 | 1385088939 | null | t5_2to41 | 82 | y_im_so_tired: TIFU by assuming a girl I haven't seen in years was pregnant.
I was sent to train some people on a new company program at a store I used to work at. It has been about five years since I worked at that location and its about an hour away so I never see any of the people I used to work with. So waiting on my first group to come in I was just chatting with a few people when this girl walked up and I said "ohh hey looks like you're getting ready to pop another one out huh?" I could tell by the looks of the others present before she could even tell me "im not pregnant". I wanted to crawl under the floor. Her response was "well you still have a little of that hair left". Needless to say I will never jump to those conclusions ever again.
tl;dr read the title
spankthepunkpink: kids, never ever ever ask a woman if she's preggers, no matter how fat she is or how quickly she has inflated. OP was lucky to survive with minor burn only.
y_im_so_tired: At my age I should know better but it just came out before thinking kicked in. Such a major rookie mistake
spankthepunkpink: and now the human male has been conditioned, he shan't make this mistake again :-p
| 4 | 20.5 | |
1385082302 | 1385170347 | null | t5_2to41 | 37 | l3radrocks: TIFU by Making a Scratch Game
To really understand this story, you need to know a little about my school. I live in a metropolitan area in the South. Being in the south, most adults have absolutely zero clue of how computer work or function. That included my Digital Tech teacher. I had planned originally to take computer ed classes my whole high school career, but the was already stopped my freshmen year because my High School forces us to take Health and P.E our freshmen year, and I took Spanish as my second elective. So this year I was naturally excited when I finally got to sign up for my computer class. Growing up, there was never any real adult that could teach me about anything related to computers so I was interested in what I would learn in this class. I hoped that it would be a lot. I was dead wrong. Put quite simply, my teach is an idiot.
Now, I usually don’t mind teachers even if I personally don’t like them, but this teacher is fully honestly an idiot, and frankly the whole class is idiotic. A perfect example was our first project. We were charged with choosing parts to build our computer. I thought that this would be an easy A and breezed through it. Here’s the good part, I failed it epically. First of all, she took of TWENTY points for not including a FLOPPY DRIVE. Yes, my teacher still believes that floppy drives are still regularly used. As I stood there baffled by this, she tells me that she is going to take ANOTHER TWENTY points off for using Pcpartpicker.com instead of an excel spreadsheet, when she explicitly told us that we could do the list any way we wanted. Not wanting to cause a scene, I bit my tongue.
Fast forward an excruciating four months of me correcting her pretty much daily on most things she says about computers. For a week now she has been saying that our next project will involve making a game and programming it ourselves. I dance with joy thinking that I might learn something useful finally, after getting through topics such as “Digital Safety”, and “Good online citizenship”. Well fuck was I wrong. She announces a day later that we will be using Scratch.com. If you aren’t aware of what scratch.com is, it is pretty much a program intended for elementary school kids to teach them how to program. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great but I was expecting something actually interesting. So we weren’t supposed to start this project until next week, but I usually do 2 weeks’ worth work daily in that class, seeing as how it is 99% busy work (She has only stood and lectured us once). So the next day, I get started in the Scratch project. I decide to just make a simple space shooter, a lot like Galactica. Finished in in two days, and it worked perfectly. Had 2 weeks’ worth of work done in 2 days. I was free to sleep and read in that class for 2 whole weeks.
This morning, she starts yelling at the class for playing games and being on sites they aren’t supposed to, and said that she had already written some of us up for playing games; all the whole staring at me with a smirk on her face. Of course, the first thought that pops to mind is that she is going to write me up for playing my own project. I already knew she hated me. There is no question about it, everyone in the class knows it. I tried to no get on her bad side even after floppy drive incident, but it did inevitably happen. I don’t purposely aggravate her, her whole experience in our class is a lot like one of those days when nothing ever goes your way. I don’t mean it to be like that, but it is.
Now to the inevitable. I spent all day today freaking out whenever they called on the intercom, expecting them to say “Mrs.OP, can we have l3radrocks to the administrative offices please.” To my surprise it never happened. I got home today relieved, thinking that it was another blank threat like she always gives me, or that I was just imagining the whole thing.
My county has this whole website that you login into with your student ID, and they have online textbooks and your grades posted there. And to my horror, in big bold letters – “This student number has been suspended”.
What my school does whenever you are disciplined for computer incidents, they suspend your student Id and in turn, your computer privileges. Right now I am waiting for the inevitable call tomorrow to the administrative offices, ruining my perfect disciplinary record.
tl;dr - I make a scratch game as a project for my class, and get written up for it.
Chronoblivion: Is there a guidance counselor or assistant principal or any faculty member you trust enough to advocate for you that you can talk to about this? They don't even need to know anything about computers; I dunno if it's too late to fix that failed assignment, but as long as you have the directions in writing you could prove you followed them and got marked off anyway. Similarly, get them to agree you shouldn't be punished for taking initiative and finishing work early.
l3radrocks: I don't think this will go to far, since I wasn't called in today. Apparently she writes people up on a daily basis, so I think that the administrators are tired of her too. I was told that what will probably happen is that I will be called to talk with the I.T guy, and get my number re-activated. I really don't know if I should drag this on and go to an administrator and call her out, or just bite my tongue and let it slide once again.
I know that if I wanted to, I could make this incident hell for her, because she doesn't even deserve this job. She was hired last minute because our old Comp.Sci teacher got a full time job at another school, and they had to hire someone last minute. I believe that if I were to go talk to an administrator, I could convince them to evaluate my teacher. I'm on the good sides of pretty much all the counselors and assistant principles, and I don't doubt that they would believe me.
But I don't know, I don't really WANT to get here fired, but she really doesn't deserve her job at all and it would benefit all her students greatly if she would be replaced.
Chronoblivion: I certainly can't blame you for not wanting to be at the center of a shitstorm. But the altruist in me is tempted to say "take one for the team and make sure this doesn't happen to someone else."
Really, though, it does sound kinda like more trouble than it's worth. As long as your grade in this class doesn't really matter, it might be better to let it slide. Maybe document some things should you need to prove stuff later, though. Keep copies of everything.
l3radrocks: I will probably let it slide, but I will be sure to document everything I do in that class as proof, even my search and browsing history.
WhatWouldTrotskyDo: Don't let this slide, she shouldn't be teaching plain and simple. Not only is it impacting negatively on your education and record but she's picking on you because not only do you know far more about the subject than she does but when you correct her and she knows that you're right, her reaction is to try and bully you into submission with poor grades etc. From what you've said she doesn't know enough about the subject to be teaching it and her entire attitude towards teaching is disgraceful. I'm not sure how schools work where you're from but you need to talk to the principal or whoever, tell them everything that's been going on in that class and get this dealt with.
| 6 | 6.166667 | |
1385101127 | 1385130471 | null | t5_2to41 | 101 | NiceRideMan: TIFU my opening my mouth
Preface: I live in a semi-detached house, so we share our driveway with our neighbors. There's enough room in the driveway for a total of 4 cars. They're a rather sizeable family, so they have 3 cars and pack them all into the driveway. We never did mind because we only have 2 cars, and if they park the 3rd car a little on their lawn and partially in the driveway, we can fit 5 cars. Although I didn't mind, I still found it annoying at times since it was a tight fit leaving me less room to maneuver.
The neighbors are a really nice Muslim family. Most of the reason I didn't mind them squashing 3 cars into the driveway was because they did things for us frequently. Here in Ontario, it snows a lot sometimes. If they saw that our driveway hadn't been cleaned, they'd do it for us a lot of the time. And they'd bring over leftover food from feasts, and it was so fucking good. So over those 10 years, I never said anything about their 3 cars.
Preface over, here's what happened. A couple of days ago I was at university, and my mom texted me saying the neighbor had passed away. Keep in mind this was a large family. There was an 80 year old with his wife, 2 of their kids (Both mid-30s, who had wives and kids of their own.) 10 people total. The 80 year old man passed away because his kidney failed.
When I arrived home that day, one of the deceased man's sons was in the driveway. I walked on over to him and expressed my condolences. OUT OF FUCKING NO WHERE, and I mean in no way did I mean to say this but for whatever reason did, I proceeded to say "Haha, guess you won't need that [third] car anymore." Probably something subconscious. Fucking Freudian slip. Needless to say, I felt terribly awkward and just "Oh man dinner is ready'd" away.
AggressiveEmu: Oh wow man, that was pretty bad.
Safe to say near everyone has said something that inappropriate by accident so don't beat yourself up about it. I mean I have a large family myself and at the annual Christmas party it was always a struggle to remember people's names that I only see once a year, well last year a cousin of mine passed away and at the funeral I say to my brother "Well at least I won't have to worry about trying to remember her name anymore." Right as my cousin's mother walks up to thank us for coming.
So I know how you feel pal.
NiceRideMan: Thanks man. I'll just have to find some way to go over there and apologize.
| 3 | 33.666667 | |
1385135777 | 1385142284 | t3_1r7wkc | t5_2to41 | 15 | mitsypunk: Read the post, he never told her they were friends so to her they're just random women who OP is sharing personal issues, she has every right to be pissed her partner kept friendships hidden from her. Why hide these friendships? 700 texts in a month? It's suss and it's kinda emotional cheating, sharing more with them then her. Sorry OP you did screw up, and I don't blame her even if her reaction was maybe a little over the top. Have you let her read all the msges?
soothaa: I'm sorry, where is it written one must disclose every single friend you have to your partner? Sounds like she has trust issues as it is.
mitsypunk: Sure the random acquaintances don't matter, but these are apparently now close friends.
Anyway 700 texts divided by 4 is something like 6 texts a day for a month. You wouldn't be pissed if your GF was messaging a bunch blokes you never knew about 6 times a day everyday?
soothaa: 6 texts? That's absolutely nothing. That's enough for a brief exchange, "what are the kids up to?" and so on.
And no? Not at all? She has lots of male friends that she talks to and it doesn't bother me a bit, because I'm not insecure? She knew them before me? I'm the newcomer? Why should she give up friends just cause she's dating me?
mitsypunk: Who said anything about giving up friends? And secondly you clearly know your GF is texting these guys, so it's not the same. OP's wife had no idea about these women or that he was even texting them. She's upset because she didn't know about it, that he deliberately didn't tell her, not that he has female friends. That's a whole different argument if she doesn't like him having female friends.
soothaa: I know she has male friends. I don't know any of them, I don't know how often she talks to them, and frankly I don't care, *because I'm not a fucking child*
swordfishtrombonez: The fact that the texts are deleted is also a big factor. "I've been in really steady contact with 2 lady friends I have never mentioned to you. Sorry you only noticed because you saw the phone bill, but they're really just friends. No I can't show you the texts because I dated them" is a lot to deal with. Not ever mentioning it is a pretty big deal and is what makes it so fishy.
soothaa: Ever consider the fact he has a phone that cannot store a lot of messages? And you know what? My girlfriend regularly deletes all her text messages too. Some people are weird like that. I love how you all just want to vilify this poor guy. Sorry people are such assholes OP.
mitsypunk: We're assholes because we think OP screwed up? This from the guy that called OP's wife an utter cunt and a bitch!
ImAnAsshole12345: I'm the only asshole here, and I just want to keep my marriage. I know I fucked up. I know that if she wants it to work then it'll take time for her to trust me again. I'll do whatever I can to gain it back.
bumbletiger: Tbh I don't think you're an asshole, OP, but you did make one hell of a mistake. However the great thing about mistakes is that they're fixable, so chin up!
Everyone calling his wife a cunt should try getting their heads out their arses, you say your gfs text other lads but at least you know about those lads.
| 11 | 1.363636 | |
1385129887 | 1385171650 | null | t5_2to41 | 747 | puddlesofblood: TIFU by accidentally opening /r/ShinyPorn on reddit in school on a mac.
Okay, so I'm in my Leadership Advisory class and I was just on my front page. Of course, this is a class where I can just do whatever on the computer.
My teacher was walking around, checking to see what we were working on.
She came up behind me, and in an effort to quickly click away, I accidentally clicked on an image of a girl in latex, fully spread.
Shit.
She saw and when I tried to exit out, guess what I got???
THE SPINNING WHEEL OF DEATH!
YAAAAYY!!
Now my teacher thinks I'm a complete nymphomaniac woman!
Niceguy_With_Glasses: You're awesome! Sucks that happened but hey maybe you showed her something she'll go look up later! :D
Have you ever worn any? Do you know why you like it/ do you consider yourself a fetishist?
puddlesofblood: I'm looking at some latex panties.
I recently got into it.. maybe 3 months ago? Now I'm hooked. I like it really shiny. Never leather or fake crap.
I do consider myself a fetishist and I have a FetLife account.
Niceguy_With_Glasses: I've never had a chance to wear any only feel some a handful of times. Sucks its so expensive but it's definiltely something which you get what you pay for.
That's awesome welcome! /r/shinyporn is my favorite subreddit ;)
I've been a fetishist since I was a teen (thanks CSI lol) and the best way I've come up with to explain why I like it so much is that it *looks smooth* like if you touch it it will be totally smooth and the form fitting as well. It's like a second skin. It's something where you can be totally clothed but feel naked.
I love talking about this kind of stuff if you couldn't tell ;P Are you getting into the kink world too? Fetlife is the best place for that :)
puddlesofblood: I also love this kind of stuff!! Kink is my forte! Do you have a FL? I'm assuming so.
Just looking at latex turns me on.
Niceguy_With_Glasses: Mhmm I do.
You learn to tell the difference between latex, PVC/vinyl, and spandex/lycra really quick when you're a fetishist hehe. Do you only like latex or do you like other materials? Latex is hands down my favorite but depending I can like others but sometimes I can be very picky.
Like I love that these [type of leggings](http://www.amazon.com/Leather-Waisted-Leggings-shiny-black/dp/B009NQ6V5U/ref=sr_1_5?s=apparel&ie=UTF8&qid=1385170168&sr=1-5&keywords=shiny+leggings) are becoming popular
puddlesofblood: I love latex and PVC/Vinyl. Not a fan of spandex or lycra (though I did see some "green man suits" that I wouldn't mind.)
The fact that something has "the shine" to it really makes my day. I've seen a picture of a woman covered in oil and... wow let's just say, I was really happy.
As far as favorites, I'd say latex. It has the sound to it. Like when a girl rubs her legs together, you can hear it.
The girls at my school dress pretty skanky for people their age, so I've seen some pvc looking stuff. In fact, there was a girl walking in the hallway and I asked her if I could feel the fabric of her shirt.
Niceguy_With_Glasses: I definitely know how you feel ;)
yea spandex is definitely near the bottom of the materials I like but sometimes it's surprising.
I haven't met that many fetishists honestly and even fewer have been women so you're awesome!
The sound can be sexy for certain.
Did she let you feel it? What'd she say? I do that at kink events but haven't asked anyone in public though I think it easier for a woman to ask another woman something like that.
puddlesofblood: Naturally, she didn't think anything of it.
We're both female so she pretty much thought of it as fashion purposes only. She was about to walk down the stairs and I kind of lightly jogged over and shouted "Hey!" Then when she turned around I asked "Where'd you get this from? Can I feel it?" I didn't wait for her to confirm before I went in and felt it anyway. Then she said she got it from forever 21 (or something).
I've honestly never been to kink events, but around my parts, they have something called the Rocky Horror Show so the freaks definitely come out every Friday night.
Niceguy_With_Glasses: Like how it felt?
Well if you have any interest in that kind of thing /r/BDSMcommunity is a great place to read or ask questions and I'd be more than happy to talk with you about it as well :)
puddlesofblood: Subscribed :)
| 11 | 67.909091 | |
1385135567 | 1390023846 | null | t5_2to41 | 380 | Basoran: TIFU by photoshoping my movies drive
Late at night and 8 beers in, shoping some images selecting areas with wand, marquee, lasso or ctrl-a(to select all). After I am done with the selection ctrl-d deselects the area.
Meanwhile I am ogling my 600+ movie collection wondering which to watch I ctrl-a to select a picture on the other monitors photoshop and instead select all of my movies. No problem, ctrl-d to deselect...
Ladies and gentlemen. you no longer have to take your right hand off your mouse or move your left hand to delete 1.5TB of data. With a simple two stroke key command you can rush to the web and download...
^(EVERY FILE RECOVERY TOOL YOU CAN FIND IN HOPES OF SALVAGING YEARS OF COLLECTING!)
Today I Fucked Up
**edit**
I've managed to recover my files to another drive. However... 5 of 5 recovery tools saved the data but not the file name...
Now I get to play "Movie Quiz" in real life. I'm the only opponent, there is no time limit, google is an option, there are 600+ files all starting with '$***'
**edit 2**
Oh sweet merciful monkey milk which of the 23 james bond's is this one and WHAT YEAR!?
**edit 3**
I do not recall owning any henti... ow that is just "The Guyver" one wierd sceen (anime not the mark hamil remake)...
**FUOTW edit**
I'm honored (?) to be a fuck up of the week.
As it stands I have 1/3 of my files renamed. I haven't Found V for Vendetta yet, I hope it is just a matter of time. I have rediscovered many forgotten favorites. "Big Trouble in Little China" is cheesy comedic gold.
**Edit final** For fuck sake's FINALLY have all movies renamed. However all files larger than 4GB have been lost. (seems all drive searchers are trapped to FAT32) many of the lager files have been co-oped and replaced from my "seed" drive (on a different machine)
mydarkmeatrises: Your incoherent manner of speech enrages me.
Basoran: Your willingness to proudly stand out as angry and ignorant saddens me.
Please stop talking, and for everyone's sake, don't breed.
mydarkmeatrises: No worries, I check out whenever someone uses shit grammar and no punctuation. According to statistics, you're likely the one living on assistance, breeding somewhere
Basoran: Ahh, the feeble, brown shirt, grammar nazi. Spewing hate and accusations with firm conviction of a fluid art as is shifts beneath them.
Fuck you
mydarkmeatrises: Fuck ya mother.
Good day, sir.
Basoran: And yet another falicy of your comonality, my mother was seen dead by my 11 year old eyes two score and 3 years ago.
So, to the that roten whench from which you came,
the poor sow that gave you name,
Fuck you bitch,
for giving us one who speaks with out a brain.
AhabFXseas: Holy shit, did you make that up, or is it from somewhere else?
Basoran: made it up on the spot while drunk...
AhabFXseas: Awesome. I'm saving that...one of the best things I've read on here in a while!
| 10 | 38 | |
1385166554 | 1386045496 | t3_1r5nvz | t5_2to41 | 3 | Dudepa: I was gunna make a gay joke as well... Butt fuck it , I won't.
[deleted]: I signed in specifically to down vote this comment....this has been said wayyyyy way way way way to much...
Dudepa: Even after posting this I was like: "fuck that shits getting old"
[deleted]: y......ea.....h......................... it................................is.......................
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1385142369 | 1386066965 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU :wish me luck
TIFU: wish me luck to be back soon safe. if not then I surly got fucked up ;)
but not in a good way. lol ya know what I mean...
Splashonda: I hope you die
LOL jk
Or am I?
cainejlc: oh yeah she will be ours. lol
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1385140471 | 1385149272 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | igstheiguana: TIFU by leaving my bike outside
*sigh* I left my bike locked outside our house because I couldn't be bothered to bring it in, It had been out for a couple of weeks already but last night, the unthinkable happened. Someone stole it :(. Now I know its not the best bike in the world...But it was mine and had been for the last 4 or so years we shared many stupid moments together and also many injuries.... This was also my "grown up bike" xD... I would really appreciate it if guys in England could keep an eye out for a silver Diamondback DBM05 from Southampton thanks :P
elf25: bummer.
igstheiguana: ikr :(
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1385151617 | 1385184096 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | reziful: TIFU by forgetting to edit a video for a group project in school
We've had this assignment for about a week, and I've been sick for about 3 days. The other members of my group decided to just film it and have me edit it so I don't get 0% on the project.
My friend said he would send me the footage, but he didn't get home to send me it until late. I was in bed early due to being sick, so I wasn't on the computer to see his messages. Now he is pissed off at me because I didn't edit it, and the rest of my group won't talk to me.
Also, I don't think anyone in the group is a very good video editor, so they were counting on me.
TL;DR: Forgot to edit class project, no one wants to talk to me.
PartyGirl_or_CEO: I've done far worse. Is it too late to rush and BS it?
reziful: Unfortunately, yes.
PartyGirl_or_CEO: That's a bitch, but you have a pretty reasonable excuse. I guess all you can do is give a genuine appology and offer to tell the Prof what happened.
reziful: Yeah thats what I plan on doing.
| 5 | 3.4 | |
1385152368 | 1385405659 | null | t5_2to41 | 199 | drevo97: TIFU Update "I lost the store $1000"
Don't know what I'm talking about? See last post, if not then...
TL:DR credit card transaction was rang up as cash, card was not charged, customer paid nothing for $1000 worth of merchandise
I'm sorry for not getting this out sooner (if anyone did actually want to know the outcome of my fuck up) but it turns out that I'm only getting a write up since it was a mistake. Loss prevention team came in checked the cameras to see if it was on purpose or not (it wasn't) and basically just said don't let it happen again. It's great knowing I'm not getting fired over my costly mistake
Get-ADUser: Good. You don't fire someone for making a mistake. You fire someone for making the same mistake multiple times.
drevo97: Trust me I won't be making this mistake ever again!!
Get-ADUser: It makes sense to keep you from a business perspective too. Firing you doesn't get the $1000 back. If they fired you they'd be a staff member down and they'd also have to go through the expense of recruiting and training someone new as well as have the morale effect on the other staff from you being fired.
drevo97: Wow I never thought of it like that. Makes me a tad bit happier working at a retail store
kuavi: Not to mention you've already lost the company $1000 and will be on guard to prevent it from happening again. A new hire likely hasn't done something like that yet and will be more careless than you will be now.
| 6 | 33.166667 | |
1385165758 | 1385482640 | null | t5_2to41 | 63 | [deleted]: TIFU by almost ripping off my nipple!
Ok so its my 31st birthday tomorrow and I was feeling kinda down because my bf has to work and we won't get to celebrate. So I decide to take a shower and pretty myself up to feel better. Afterwards I put on a sexy lace top (no bra) with jeans and a sweater because its frickn cold, but I looked awesome and was feeling much happier.
I grabbed a can of beer and was planning on watching a movie when I spilled a bit down my sweater. Annoyed at myself because I had to change, I went to take off my tops, not knowing that one of my nipple rings had become tangled in my lace top. I felt the worst pain ever and looked down in horror at the blood pouring from my nipple. Oh Jesus god it hurt so fucking bad!! I am still in agony and my nipple is swollen to three times its normal size. Happy birthday to me...
TL;DR- Tried to feel sexy,spilled my beer, ripped my nipple and ruined my 2 favorite shirts.
FlowerChild1994: I caught my nipple ring on something, no idea what. It TORE. As in a visible tear along my nipple. The healing was worse than when I got it pierced, it blistered and scabbed and I hit it constantly of course. Just bumping my breast made me want to cry....
Oh god never again. As soon as it was closer to being healed I switched it to a bar and the two of us have been happy since :)
Zev-of-P3K: Mine are bars.. It somehow got tangled in the lace. And yeah, mine has a visable tear too. Its bruised like crazy and still soooo painful! Way worse than when I got them pierced. How long did it take yours to heal?
FlowerChild1994: I never had a bruise but my skin was already blistered from the ring rubbing against it. It was RAW. It never got better until about two weeks after I got it changed to a bar so I spent about a month in pain and a good week and a half of absolute hell and agony. It still gets aggravated if it gets bumped or pulled or moved the wrong way, I mean obviously, it's a sensitive piercing but it's doing good now. It just takes some time and tears! I walked around holding my boob out of fear of it getting hit, it was sad and funny at the same time.
| 4 | 15.75 | |
1385167561 | 1385186260 | null | t5_2to41 | 83 | [deleted]: TIFU: Got head, interrupted by mother
Definitly a throwaway for this...
So me and my girlfriend are in my room, and we start fooling around, getting kinda horny. She puts her hand in my boxers, so I return the favour. Things escalate and she says she wants to suck my dick (NB: First time oral). I of course love the idea and let her do it. It feels amazing, and I start to get close to cumming...
Knock knock.
Mum is at the door. Fuck. The doorknob is turning. Shit. In she comes!
Luckily, I'm wearing a really baggy hoodie, so covered up my junk quick enough to hide my dignity. It's a nice soft hoodie, and I learned it feels nice on your shaft.
Nice enough to finish the job. Now I'm fucking cumming and mum is in the room asking about dinner.
As I said earlier, this was my first time getting sucked off, so as you guys can imagine I was exploding at this stage. Mum didn't notice though, and I thought I was safe.
However...
The force of the ejaculation and the overwhelming feeling of relief meant my hand, holding the bottom of the hoodie, slipped off, and before I could do anything, my mother witnessed my penis spurting man juice all over the place. Including directly into my eye.
Tldr: Had dick sucked, mum walked in while I came, I dropped the hoodie covering my dick and came on my own face.
EDIT: No, this is not fake, I forget to mention this happened a few years ago when I was 17. I guess "boy juice" would have been more accurate!
REDDIT_IS_FOR_QUEERS: If your dumb enough to believe this faggots story especially the cum in eye part just look at his post history.
>I'm married and have had sex with 5 escorts. One of them a week after my marriage. I regret it of course, but nobody knows or will ever find out. And yes I know, I'm a terrible person, I deserve to be literally downvoted to hell...
The_D0ctah: It's still funny, even if it isn't true.
coolestguy1234: thats not the point of this subreddit
EineBeBoP: How about it being entertaining, even if its not true?
Theres nothing in the rules about them being real stories. Just original and unique.
coolestguy1234: the sub is called today **I** fucked up, not let me write a story. next we will have a story about someone reading the necronomicon and summoning a demon and bringing the dead back to life.
Sawsie: But if that actually happened you have to admit that would be appropriate as fuck for this subreddit.
| 7 | 11.857143 | |
1385167455 | 1386631987 | null | t5_2to41 | 44 | Foster_Poster: TIFU by taking the laptop to the bathroom
So a couple of hours ago my family was going out to visit some friends which I had absolutely not intention of going to. All's nice and dandy after they left. Suddenly, my stomach screams the bloodiest scream of all time calling for a volcanic rupture of shit in the bath room. My dumbass thinks "Hey, Im alone, i could bring the laptop with me to the bathroom while I take a shit instead of reading all those old magazines." Anyways, I go the bathroom, sit down, take a shit and Im browsing all happy and shit. Until..... The door twist of doom occurs. My mom forgot something and she came back for it. Now, usually the laptop is located in the living room. Now she sees its not longer there and gets suspicious. She yells my name "Foster_Poster, where are you" my stomach returns to the its state of holy-shit-Im-about-to-erupt as I figured she'd think I'm watching porn (Which I wasn't, big NoFap-Stronaut). I yell back "I'm in the bathroom, taking a shit", she comes over, opens the door, finds me on the laptop and has this nasty, nasty disappointment look on her face and she says "Are you really this perverted?" I go "I swear Im taking a shit and thought it would be a good idea to bring the laptop with me so I could browse instead of reading the old ass magazines we have" She doesn't believe me, walks away, says "put the damn laptop back in it's place, I'll talk with you later" and slams the door as she leaves. Now Im sitting here, typing this shit with regret because before I took my shit, I thought it wouldn't be a good idea to bring the laptop to the bathroom as this scenario would exactly happen. Aaahhhh, the feeling of regret is a fucking bitch. Wish I had a time machine.
Edit: punctuation and stuff.
Dav_C: So you leave the bathroom door open while you shit?
Your family only has one shared laptop and when you take it they immediately search for it? So taking a laptop to the bathroom directly means that you will be watching porn? (What about a smartphone or tablet?)
Does your mother seriously believe that somebody would fap WHILE taking a shit? (I imagine you could smell it if she came in)
Even if you were beating it, your mother decides to call you out for it and make you feel bad for it? (great parenting, really)
Also, because you MIGHT have fapped you'll get consequences for it, why?
Oh, and why not show her your limp dick as proof for not masturbating?
EmpireKhonsu: My parents where like his as well. Too a point. I could go on and on about all the dumb fucking rules that I had growing up.
ArtichokeOwl: I grew up somewhere were a lot of families were strict about this stuff, though mine wasn't. What sort of rules?
EmpireKhonsu: A lot of random things. Like, I couldn't have a tv or radio in my room. I had to plug my phone (when I finally got one) downstairs at 8pm every night, even on weekends or over the summer. I couldn't play any sort of video game on the weekdays, even over summer. I couldn't sleep over anyone's house without my parents being friends with their parents. I couldn't be out late at all and if I was going to be be out for whatever reason (like if I had a show or something [I play in bands]) They had to be there when I was out. I wasn't allowed on school buses and if I had a band competition for school or a football game to play, they had to ride on the bus with me.
Most of me growing up was down south on the Gulf Coast, and I hate the heat. So I didn't like going outside. But I had a required number of hours that I had to be outside everyday. I couldn't watch pg-13 movies till I was 17, and they had to watch and okay the movie first. They would check on me when throughout the night, and if I wasn't dead asleep I would get in trouble. I got grounded once cause my girlfriend at the time came by to say hi, just in the drive way. right outside the door. They thought I was sneaking out, even though it was still light out.
plus a bunch more dumb shit. I understand where they were coming from on most of it, but it still was so fucking annoying. And now my brother and sister don't have it half as bad. Brought that up to them and they just laugh. It's like.... Really?
Sorry for the wall of text. lol
ArtichokeOwl: Without going into too much detail, I hear you. Sounds a lot like where I grew up. At least you know to give your own kids a little more freedom and respect their privacy when you have kids someday.
EmpireKhonsu: That is the plan. I hope to piss off my parents with how I raise my kid(s).
| 7 | 6.285714 | |
1385174713 | 1385900856 | null | t5_2to41 | -8 | owlbrowneyes: TIFU by possibly misreporting a coworker as a bully
So there is this coworker I have , she comes in on Sundays.
I work part time so she isn't a big problem , but sometimes she is the reason that I don't even want to go to work.
Maybe I'm not use to the way she wears her heart on her sleeve.
Sometimes she is moody , other times she is not.
A couple weeks ago , I get called up to a register. It's getting pretty busy so I just jump on to the first free one I see.
This lady comes back from her break and kicks me off.
I opened the store and that was the register I picked. I came in before her, but you know whatever . It's busy and I'd rather just help take care of the line. I don't really care what register I'm on. The managers have no specifications for those either.
So I jump on to register 7. No one else is on there , I'm assuming they're on their break and won't really care.
I begin ringing up the customer, and when she hands me a large bill I find there's not enough to give back in less bills. So I call the front-end manager to try and come get me change.
She doesn't hear me. By now the coworker who was on there comes back. "Oh no this isn't going to work owlbrowneyes".
I try again to call the front-end manager. She hears me.
But it's too late, the coworker grabs the cash out of my hand in front of the customer and just starts giving it to her.
I can't get yell at other people who I don't know without needing to cry. Most of my coworkers know that I'm generally not the yelling type.
So I just walk away from the register. Just to calm myself down I walk around the store recovering.
She's in general rude like this, has an attitude. Maybe it's just the way I perceive her.
But I couldn't stand it anymore.
So I told my manager. I was actually so upset that I began crying (this was due to other reasons more so than her). And he said he'd talk to the general manager about it as well as the coworker. I'm sort of worried that he mentioned my name.
She and I talk very rarely but I can't stand being near her when at work. In the past she has been rude before. I can tell she makes subtle jokes about me.
I'm sort of nervous to head into work tomorrow.
jaydavisb: I think you told on yourself more than you did anything else. The bully in this story is you.
TF2_Entro: Did you even read the post?
jaydavisb: Yep. OP is a dime holding up a dollar. The subject of her frustration is a hard working doer of stuff, you can tell by the way she grabs the money and gets the job done instead of standing around calling someone else and getting nothing done.
In response she complains about feelings because she hasn't a leg to stand on if she tries to complain about the only thing that matters at work - getting the job done. She's trying to undercut someone who does a better job than her by saying her feelings are hurt.
Even as she does so her victim continues to work, while OP stands around and attempts to bully her out of a job for doing so.
| 4 | -2 | |
1385182037 | 1385259928 | null | t5_2to41 | 47 | Looks_at_you: TIFU by eating pistachios.
Oh these are good, wait, what's wrong with this on.... WTF? Ok, yeah those are definitely maggots.
I can never eat these again.
superjoemaj: Once I was eating butter finger bbs, they were small spherical versions of a butter finger. Well one rolled under my coffee table, I went and picked it up, I should comment that it was dark and they only light was coming from the tv. Well I went to eat it and it tasted awful . I turn on the light and see that it was not the butter finger. but a small beatle .
RevolvingImages: Ringo??
| 3 | 15.666667 | |
1385216401 | 1385443629 | null | t5_2to41 | 614 | [deleted]: TIFU by embarrassing myself in front of hundreds of my students
I'm teaching in China and we had a sports day. I was asked to join the relay team and was more than happy to participate. I'm in decent shape so that was no concern.
Anyway. Day of the race, it's our time. My students are going crazy cheering me on. All of the students and staff are lined up near the track, probably around 1500 total. Gun goes off and I start running as fast as I possibly can. Too fast. I feel my momentum going forward and my stupid ass hits the ground. Everyone let's out an audible "ohhh!" I get up and hand the baton to my next teammate and lower my head in shame.
Without a doubt the most embarrassing moment of my life. I believe I was the only person to fall during the duration of the 2-day event. I'm so scared to go back into the school on monday. kill me now.
CioCZ: [think of happy thoughts; its ok](http://imgur.com/dtkCtpW)
[deleted]: [I'm so happy this .gif has a clear background](http://i.imgur.com/AYZnzt3.jpg)
xTerraH: I'm dumbfounded, what exactly is the sorcery In this screencap?
[deleted]: What part about it? I'd be glad to answer any questions.
xTerraH: The whole gif being within the reddit window?
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xTerraH: Nope nope nope nope scam
[deleted]: Pretty much everyone on reddit uses it, it's free, and it's super easy to install. It has soooo many cool features, honestly. What's your issue with it?
xTerraH: na dude, was just joking, lel ;D
| 10 | 61.4 | |
1385218020 | 1385251174 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | waferjack: TIFU by cheating with someone who's engaged
Met someone through friends that I got along well with. They're engaged and I've been in a relationship for over a year. Neither of us expected anything but things spiraled out of control through some of our conversations.
We decided to meet up and see what happened. It was amazing. Absolutely awesome. But we both know that nothing will come from it. Which is fine. The problem is, I can't do anything with my SO without picturing them instead and it's driving me crazy.
TL:DR- cheated, can't stop thinking about new person when I'm with my SO
[deleted]: I disagree with these post above me. Judge away but until you have a connection with someone even knowing it will never evolve into a full relationship it can be a moment that you will hold on to until your last breath knowing only the two of you know about the connection. I have had a similar experience. No judging from me.
waferjack: Ha, sounds like you've been in a similar situation
[deleted]: When you say its driving you crazy, do you mean that in a bad way? Expand
You can read about it under my profile and you tell me.
http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1ras9w/tifu_motivational_cheating_my_story/
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1385223067 | 1385331033 | null | t5_2to41 | 553 | Sick-Shepard: TIFU By asking a deaf girl what kind of music she listened to.
I was 15. I had been texting this deaf girl I had met at a jobs fair and while trying to make some conversation I asked her what kind of music she liked. I've never facepalmed so hard in my life.
Sir_Dude: Went to school with a lot of deaf people, they love music with heavy bass because they can feel it. I wear hearing aids and I prefer music with no vocals.
Sick-Shepard: That's pretty much what she told me. I still felt like an asshat though.
Monkeyb1z: No worries at all, I used to drive my little sister and her friends home from high school and they would blast britney spears claiming it was biggie. So I'd be rocking out to teen pop. Didn't matter.
idontknowcats: Why the hell did you put up with that? I would listen to what I want to listen to if I had to drive people around. My car, my rules/music
Monkeyb1z: I'm deaf.
R3D1t: what type of music do you listen to?
Monkeyb1z: Michael Jackson has some of the more nuanced rhythms that are "deaf-friendly" but I agree with most of the other answers in that hip hop/rap/Funk is pretty conducive to enjoyable beats. The beats I like are driving but nuanced rhythms. It's for that reason that I'm not a huge fan of house/trance because it's relatively simple and it's much harder to tell song A apart from song B. That said, the video for call on me by eric prydz is always a winner.
| 8 | 69.125 | |
1385176831 | 1385250897 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | oddity1015: TIFU by talking about something related to work to someone close to being fired.
So I just finished a long day of working and got a ride home from my co-worker started to talk about how I don't feel like I'm doing well on my part and want to start job hunting again and he goes on to tell me about his issues with the job in response I said have a back up plan ready should you get fired and not to say anything to anyone about it. What he does next is call my boss saying I told him he's getting fired after I'm ready to take over in everything and I get a call from said boss and well now i have to deal with ensuing shit storm tomorrow. In short I really fucked up and I just started this job a week ago and now I may end up having to leave soon as to avoid shit getting worse and I dont have any experience in my field I choose for myself so how fucked am I?
zalloy: Wow, that was kind of hard to read.
Anyhoo, it sounds like you were trying to give the guy a bit of friendly advice, and it got blown out of proportion. Letting him know to have a backup plan in case he was fired isn't the same as telling him he's about to be fired.
And where, out of that conversation, did he get the idea that you were gunning to take over everything? He must like to jump to conclusions. If you've only been there a week, why would you make a claim like that? That was a rhetorical question, as I don't see where you mentioned anything like that.
Did you explain to your boss how the conversation *actually* went? This kind of thing is very common in the workplace. You're in a position where you are the new guy, and kind of low on the totem pole. This co-worker of yours used your conversation as a means to make you look bad to your boss, since one doesn't usually have a lot of credibility when first starting at a new job. This co-worker feels threatened by your presence, and so they're doing whatever they can to damage your credibility with the boss.
It's generally a bad idea to talk to co-workers about anything beyond "Hi, how are you today?" or "How about that weather we're having?" Anything else you say, someone will find a way to use it against you. I've lost a bunch of jobs over stuff like this.
Your co-workers are just co-workers. They are *not* your friends. The same guy who sits in the next cube over, that you talk with every Monday about football will happily go tell your boss you have nothing better to do than talk sports, even when he initiated the conversation.
oddity1015: Normally I would be inclined to say yes that's true but turns out he knew it was coming when she hired me. When she hired him he was to help the previous cook who worked there for eight years and as soon as my coworker was able to run things on his own she fired him on the spot, the original guy and the same thing is happening yet again all I did was say have a back up plan but when he called the boss and blew up on her she was busted as she inadvertently said yes she wanted him gone all I did was help set the stage so to speak. Funny enough is me and my co worker are pretty good with each other I have no reason to be a threat to him and he knows this he's happy to finally have a helping hand in the kitchen after 6-7 months of doing everything on his own. But so far as it seems nothing is happening beyond the boss being mad about getting busted for shit she knew isn't right. Also sorry for long as hell sentences just got off work and very tired.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1385232073 | 1385240835 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU. Motivational Cheating: My Story
ApacheChi3f: This sounds like an excerpt from an erotic novel rather it being from real life.
Wolliver: I thought so too.....
[deleted]: Too hot to be true, except it is. I can't stop thinking about it. Wow
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1385244449 | 1385273319 | null | t5_2to41 | 45 | [deleted]: TIFU by attending a MLP club
I was walking back to my dorm, from the dining hall and saw a visual novel being played on a projector in a club room.
I was ecstatic. It's hard for me to make friends because of my different interests. One of those interests is reading visual novels! (or VNs as I like to call it) So I go in, and ask if that's a VN. It obviously was, so I ask if I could sit down and watch.
I knew something was wrong when I saw that one of the characters was named "Twilight." I was actually really worried when NONE of the characters had Japanese names, because VNs are extremely popular over there, so that's where they all come from.
I continued to watch and started to notice very slowly what type of club it was, a My Little Pony club. I stayed for a little bit, as to not be rude (for a bit, I mean like 30 seconds). But after that I NOPE-d the FUCK out of there.
I have nothing against people who watch MLP, but I was sad that I wasn't able to find friends...
tl;dr I accidentally go to a MLP club because of my strong interest in visual novels. Life said "FUCK YOU! Trying to make friends?!?!?!"
I then go back to my dorm sad, without friends.
Shareproof: Honestly I would've just sat there to see if I had any interest in it. I have a couple Brony friends and they tried to get me into it a couple times and I never ended up trying. Never hurts to try new stuff
cerealkiller155: Yeah, you're right!
I should've done that. I was going to but they played this strangest video afterwards... I felt out of place. And left
Shareproof: If any creepy shit happened I don't blame you for leaving. If shit makes me uncomfortable I GTFO immediately.
cerealkiller155: It was like some CG pony singing about eating spicy food and it hurting when it comes out it's ass.
It made me uncomfortable
LordzOfChaos: I'm a Brony, and I hate that video
sadfly: Link?
cerealkiller155: I looked, but I have no idea what it's called
I typed in keywords, but had no luck.
| 8 | 5.625 | |
1385258047 | 1385263713 | t3_1rblh6 | t5_2to41 | 4 | TheJackal8: Was it really necessary to downvote me and report my comment? The downvote button is not a disagree button and the report button is for spam. Please do not misuse them.
zidanee: Everyone on Reddit hates you now.
TheJackal8: That persons Chapstick fell out of their pocket, East Texas hates him now.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1385264335 | 1385305748 | null | t5_2to41 | 417 | [deleted]: TIFU and got assaulted in an Albertsons grocery store
Tonight, I went to the Albertsons near where I live to buy beer and some other shit that I've since forgotten about. As I always do, I fucked around for a while debating with myself whether or not I really want to pay almost $5 for a jug of orange-pineapple-banana juice (SPOILER: it's totally worth $5 but I'm usually too stupid to realize it).
I eventually went to the beer aisle (which was the object of the exercise in the first place) and picked up a pack of Shiner Bock. I continued to browse unnecessarily and eventually wandered towards the checkout.
While I was wandering past the mayonnaise, a ridiculously tall couple (I'll absolutely swear they were both over 6'2") were full-on making out in the aisle, blocking the way. We're talking slurpy lip-lock, pelvic grinding, the whole thing. As I went past them, I muttered "hey, butt-fucking supplies are over on aisle 15 if you'd care to leave us soup shoppers in peace". Hurr hurr. Well, apparently that warranted being knocked to the ground by the male half of this disaster-in-waiting, as the female half freaked out and begged him to stop. I honestly have no idea if he actually hit me or not. My head made sold contact with something, that's for sure. Other shoppers were nearby and reacted about as you'd imagine. I got up and asked the guy if he had already picked out a jailhouse nickname. Clearly I do not learn from previous mistakes. He lunged and huffed and puffed and displayed his peacock feathers. In the moment, I was not cognizant of danger. I was actually fascinated by the amazingly stupid bravado of this idiot (whom I had just provoked). The beer I was going to buy shattered messily on the ground, and I somehow decided to leave. I passed a shell-shocked store manager who had apparently witnessed the whole thing. I think it bothered him more than it bothered me.
The only regret I have stems from the fact that this happened about 2 hours ago and I still have a motherfucker of a headache.
VerbalHyperbole: Dont go to sleep guy
Nixnilnihil: Because we'll get you.
gorged_on_truffles: maybe not, he might be dead when we get there.
shmehdit: RIP, OP.
ggg730: RIP in peace OP
His gravestone reads
"he totally told some dude to buttfuck his gf already in an albertson"
Sawsie: Rest in peace in peace?
RafTheKillJoy: Whoosh the joke went over your head
Sawsie: What joke? Would you care to explain? I see people doing this quite a bit lately and the only thing I see are a bunch of "Automatic Teller Machine Machine" faux paux's.
RafTheKillJoy: A^^utomatic T^^eller M^^achine Machine
Whoosh^^\(the ^^sound ^^of ^^a ^^joke ^^going ^^over ^^your ^^head) the joke went over your head
It's just a shitty joke about using an acronym then using a word in the acronym even though there is no point.
Sawsie: I didn't realize they were doing it ironically, I assumed they were doing it moronically. It doesn't translate well on the internet.
And yes I get the ATM thing, that's why I said it in my other response.
| 11 | 37.909091 | |
1385266660 | 1385344165 | null | t5_2to41 | 94 | FreshmanLuck: TIFU by getting Brony jizz on myself and caused me to be late for class. (Longish)
This is my first semester attending college, which I'm really enjoying so far, with the exception of today's events. Aside from the general ed. stuff, I'm also taking a couple computer science classes which meet in the computer lab. Since the lab is open for students to use before and after classes, it can sometimes be difficult to find a vacant computer until right before a class begins.
Because I tend to be pretty shy I prefer to take the far corner computer which is least visible to the entire room. Since the semester started, I noticed that the same guy, whom I shall refer to as "The Brony", is often sitting at my computer right before the class. I call him The Brony because he has a couple different sweatshirts which he alternates and one of them has the rainbow pony character (sorry, I don't watch the show) on it. I've never really talked to him, and he's not in any of my classes. He looks to be in his late twenties or so, about a decade older than most of the other people I see around, even though I sometimes see him in the cafeteria sitting with his much younger looking friends.
One thing I hate about sharing computers is the hygienic aspect. I don't want to seem rude but this guy just never seems clean. Every time I see him at my computer he's sitting there with his thinning, greasy, stringy, untrimmed hair which just sort of hangs over his sweaty forehead and over his thick lens glasses [(which make his eyes appear to bulge out)](http://images.halloweencostumes.com/products/15274/1-1/bug-eye-specs.jpg). He also seems to wear the same clothes many days in a row. Our class meets three times a week and a few weeks I've seen him in the same nasty sweatshirt and sweatpants combo (which begins to accumulate food particles and other debris) all three days. The worst thing is that after he gets up, the chair still smells (like shit), and I'm not sure if it's because he's a bigger dude or because he's not cleaning himself properly. I don't want to know honestly. So I just switch the chair with the next one over, and then switch them again after class to make sure I'm not sitting on his chair.
Today I arrived to a packed computer lab as usual, so I went outside and sat down on some benches between that room and another classroom while I waited until I could get my usual computer back from The Brony. About 5 minutes later, I saw him walk out and proceed to grab the front of his pants to "adjust" himself, as though he were in his own private bedroom and not walking down a campus hallway. At the time I didn't think too much of it (except that it's pretty gross to do so in public view), so I grabbed my backpack and went to sit down at my usual spot. After switching the chair, I sat down and logged in with the keyboard. When I finally grabbed the mouse for the first time, I felt something unusual, a moistness along the sides of the mouse. I looked at the mouse and it kind of glistened (though under the florescent lights it was hard to tell). I wasn't sure if it was some kind of sweat or something else, so (stupidly) I slowly brought my fingers to my face and gave them a sniff. I nearly gagged at the unmistakable bleachy stench of semen.
I immediately got up, and walked to the nearest restroom holding my right hand out in front of me like some kind of deformed zombie, all the while mentally trying to remain calm. I stood in front of the sink for about 10 minutes just lathering my hands with soap, and rinsing them, over and over until I finally calmed down. After I dried them they were redder than I've ever seen them, but I finally felt somewhat clean. By the time I got back to class the instructor had begun talking and for the first time in my college life, I had to walk in late.
I didn't sit at my usual computer; I will never sit there again! But I did want to confirm that I wasn't imagining things, so after class I went back to the corner computer, took a plastic bag, placed it over the mouse, and opened the browser history to see if there was anything there. Seemingly endless items from Rule 34, and some furry website called e621.
**TL;DR: Some fat fuck Brony was using our computer lab to jerk himself off to furry porn, leaving cum on the mouse.**
*Edit: Revised some weirdly structured sentences I had hastily written.*
[deleted]: report it??
FreshmanLuck: I've been wondering if this is the best plan of action. I just don't want to be responsible for getting someone in trouble (mainly because I'm afraid he'll come after me!). Also it's hard to imagine telling people, let alone my instructor, that I accidentally brushed my fingers against some guy's semen. Do they even sell rape kits for computer mice?
[deleted]: Why don't you want him to get in trouble?
FreshmanLuck: It's not that I don't want him to get in trouble. If I can deliver the tip anonymously I'll do so, but even so, he might still know it's me because on several occasions he's come back to the lab after my class is finished. So he knows I use that computer.
[deleted]: For all he knows, someone monitoring the sites he visited/someone monitoring the room could have noticed it.
| 6 | 15.666667 | |
1385268480 | 1385405391 | null | t5_2to41 | 92 | GeeGeeBaby: Tifu, by letting cashier bag my $25 gift card
In a separate bag. Yes, its own big bag. Well, later in the day, it blew out my car and I didnt chase it.. Got home and realized it was in said bag that blew away. Youre welcome, whoever gets it. It was for my Grandma. $25 to Barnes&Noble, gone.
theangrypragmatist: TIFU by blaming a cashier for my own carelessness.
Dreadniah: >tifu by letting the cashier bag my 25 gift card
hm.
>letting
meaning that it's not the cashier's fault, if they didn't want it in a separate bag they should've asked the cashier not to or moved it themself
FurTrader58: To be honest it is partially the fault of the cashier. Things like gift cards you put in the bag with everything else or you put them in a pocket. As a cashier you should know that you don't use a whole bag for a gift card.
Source: I've had 5 retail jobs and never once has anyone ever (management/coworkers) said to put a gift card in a bag. It just doesn't make sense
| 4 | 23 | |
1385269532 | 1385355235 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | octnoir: TIFU by making a video zoom in
Years ago when I was in college, I had an acting class where we all had to act out a ten minute scene in groups (groups of 4). My team decided to do everything last minute (day before our presentation was due), and since I have a background in filmography, cinematography and do videos on a daily basis, I did the camera work and was responsible for editing.
I use Adobe Premier Pro and the editing was impossible and I have an old machine (the render took bloody hours - it finished right before we had to present the video). Also, just how my camera takes footage and it gets imported into Premier Pro, it is automatically zoomed in 50% (because it has to fit a format) and so I have to manually unzoom each of the clips (I took hundreds and there isn't a multi-select option/automatically make it unzoom). It's really late into the night and I might have skipped a couple of clips.
SO, the video is done rendering JUST as we had to present the video. And because it's college and I had a 100 other things, I just slept through the video and the entire class. 20 minutes later (at the end of class), I am woken up by a very tight slap from my female friend: "You f***ing a**hole" and she stormed off. I was like WTF, but the entire class and even the professor were shooting me daggers.
I immediately watch the finished video - effects were fine, cuts are flawless, sounds good, so what's the problem? WELL, it turns out one minute of the finished film was zoomed in of the ten (hundreds of clips I sorted last night were perfectly fine, just two of them were not). AND it just HAPPENED to be zoomed in on my friend's ample and shapely breasts. So imagine this - for one minute you could only see boobs on the screen when there was supposed to be a dramatic dialogue. I immediately put my face into my hands and tried to hope it was all a bad dream. It wasn't.
Aftermath: I had to beg the professor to not give my team a failing grade, and accepted one instead. I had to go to a sexual harassment seminar. Everyone in university thinks I'm a creepy perv AND everyone now knows that my mild mannered, very nice and shy friend has large breasts. She was also my crush and was about to break up with her boyfriend, and showed some interest in me. Now she absolutely hates my guts even after five years. And her boyfriend (now broken up) gave me a very stern lecture about the whole thing.
To this day, NO ONE believes I did this on purpose. I SWEAR I HAD NO IDEA, and I have now switched to Final Cut Pro.
I WILL NEVER USE ADOBE PREMIER PRO EVER AGAIN.
TLDR: Premier Pro is stupid and zooms in on clips. It zoomed in on my friend (crush)'s ample bosoms during one minute of a scene which I didn't notice due to lack of sleep. To the entire class of hundred students and one strict professor. F*** Premier Pro.
[deleted]: Did you have a history of pulling dumb shit before this? Because I can't believe so many people would get that upset and not believe you over something that insignificant.
Seriously, at least from what you describe, how could anyone NOT assume it was an editing mistake?
octnoir: I never have done anything this careless - I once even worked on Machete and Predators - I interned and did editing for a couple of panoramic scenes overnight so I'm used to doing editing late at night at very tight deadlines.
People were more inclined to think I spent the night oggling at my friend's breasts zoomed in, got too tired and forgot to zoom out. I'm not the most outspoken, I'm friendly and everything. Would you have been really surprised that a mild mannered kid would have taken a chance to do this?
It's the whole 'creepy guys' vs 'good looking guy'. I'm not a looker by any means. I'm fit, generally nice and friendly but majority of people automatically assume the worst - I just got used to it. Looking back, I'm not surprised - just learnt my lesson - nothing good, work or otherwise ever happens after 3am - should have called it quits and got someone else to do it.
My friend might have gotten it worst - she was ignored mostly, but after this everyone hits on her and she got a lot of creepy guys after her. She got a lot of unwanted attention. That part just made me really sad.
[deleted]: Sorry man. I can only imagine how bad it was.
Again though, I find it incredible that your class, your professor, and more importantly your friend, all of them did not believe you. Let me just say, if I was in the class with you, I would have assumed it was a mistake rather than you were a perv, and I am some random guy on the internet you've never met.
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1385272215 | 1385432947 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | Superdankmaster: TIFU by drinking coffee with no lid.
So I usually go to this locally owned coffee shop downtown that is a pretty cool place. Very nice staff and whatnot.
I sit down one day with my laptop and order a cup of coffee. Browse reddit and other various sites, set up my torrents and that kind of thing as I don't have Internet access at my house. I finish my first cup of coffee and fill it up again. I go over and put my usual things in it, cream and sugar. I sit back down and set my coffee down behind my computer.
Next thing I know someone bumps the table and the entire 16oz Cup of coffee dumps all over my computer. I freak out obviously and remember that liquids usually only mess up electronics due to shorts.
I immediately unplug it and remove the battery. I borrow a screwdriver from one of the baristas and get to work. I get the bottom of the laptop off and its soaked. I use some napkins and sop up as much as I can and let it sit.
A few minutes go by and as I am a very impatient person I reassemble the computer and plug it up. It comes on with no issues and it still works to this day. But it still has some stickiness inside it, whether it's sugar or semen, the world will never know.
Belgara: When was this? If recently, you need to take it apart again and check the motherboard for sugar. If sugar hit the board, it may work right now, but eventually it's going to corrode the board and you're going to be looking at a nice paperweight. Get yourself some pure isopropyl alcohol (aka rubbing alcohol, but the 70% crap you can get at the drug store isn't gonna cut it) and clean that shit.
Superdankmaster: Like 2010 if my memory serves me correctly. It has a cracked screen and the battery is destroyed by now. My little brother uses it now for school. Thanks for the advice.
Pyrocitus: **TIFU** and thought 2010 was today.
Superdankmaster: Me too! Must be the mary Jane, I lose track of time sometimes.
| 5 | 5.8 | |
1385295394 | 1385429891 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | ICanSeeYour_Pixels: TIFU and celebrated my birthday...
So Friday night my friends and I went out to celebrate my 25th bday. We started the night with dinner at Osaka (a Japanese hibachi restaurant), and then proceeded to drink copious amounts of liquor. It ended with me passed out on my bathroom floor.
It is now 6am Sunday, and I have spent all my time since noon yesterday glued to the toilet with uncontrollable shits. I feel like my insides turned inside out and then decided to make their way out my ass... And they won't stop :-( I think I'm dying.
emailbitesmyass: Eat greasy food. The guys over in a certain alcoholism subreddit swear by it. Also, plenty of water. Best of luck.
ICanSeeYour_Pixels: Ate greasy food... Drinking a ton of water... No relief. Just going to have to wait it out.
Danzig96: I know I'm late, I just discovered this subreddit today so I apologize. But in the future for your hangover meal make "eggs in the basket" and bacon. It is by far the best hangover meal I have ever had and helps get rid of my hangover faster than any other greasy meal I've had.
ICanSeeYour_Pixels: What is eggs in the basket? It sounds awesome.
Danzig96: You cut a hole in the middle of a slice of bread (I use a skinny glass because it's all I really have to make a perfect circle haha) butter it, throw it in a frying pan, fry the egg in the middle of it and it'll stick with the bread so you can flip it and fry both sides properly. I usually add pepper and fry up the circles of bread that are left to sop up any egg that's left over. It's pretty easy to make and it's freaking delicious.
ICanSeeYour_Pixels: I am definitely going to have to try that, it does sound super delicious :-) thanks!
| 7 | 2.714286 | |
1385300328 | 1385361229 | null | t5_2to41 | 4,266 | [deleted]: TIFU by sleeping with my friend.
So, my friend and I (both college roommates since Freshmen year and we are very open with each other) decided to take a trip up to New York City this weekend. We had planned this trip for a while to go see some friends, go to clubs, get drunk, etc.
So, last night, we go out to a club and start hanging out with some girls. My friend, this entire time, has been telling me about how he has been holding off from choking the chicken so he could get with a girl. Well, it never happens.
Back at the hotel, we're both decently drunk. Now realize that we only got one bed to share because we were going to spend the extra money. We're both in just boxers and we fall asleep.
I just woke up about 10 minutes ago. My friend is practically spooning me, which is whatever (but it actually woke me up). I feel this weird sensation around my abdomen and balls. So, I'm feeling around, itching a scratch (readjusting) and all of a sudden I feel this slimy substance.
"Oh shit!" So, I pulled back the blanket to find him with no boxers and both of us are covered in his cum.
What do I do? He's still sleeping!
**TL;DR: Friend and I shared a bed. Friend had a wet dream all over both of us...FUCK!**
TIFUpdate: Friend woke up completely mortified and confused. By this time, I had gotten out of the shower. I explained what happened. We both laughed it off, no homo. He says he owes me big time. Since my boxers were soaked, he got himself a cumrag. Best friends, right?
[deleted]: Oooor him pulling out caused you to wake up
DiffidentDissident: Are you OP's best friend, /u/semen_hurricane? Sounds like you've got some...
...inside information.
mil0tic: YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Shaman_Bond: [For future use.](http://mirrors.rit.edu/instantCSI/)
Blazlyn: Speaker warning
Dickballsdinosaur: I wish I read your comment before I clicked.
ripoldirtybastard: I kept making my speakers louder, cause I couldn't hear any sound. Then I clicked on the glasses. Well, shit.
Skittlesharts: Didn't know earwax could shoot out your ass, did ya?
I_am_a_Space_Cowboy: [I... what?](http://i.imgur.com/GzAkd1u.gif)
| 10 | 426.6 | |
1385304758 | 1385391150 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU - I met up with another guy, but I'm married
I (31 yr old, FM, Married 13yrs) professional lady who works in IT consulting. One of the companies I call on hired a new Storage Administrator (28yrs, Male, SO <1yr). After a couple interactions, he came on to me. I blew it off but somehow it stuck with me. I made it clear that I was married, have been faithful& plan to remain that way.
In short he is a notorious cheater. He is very attractive. (Fuck it he is so hot the thought of him inside me makes me dripping wet.) He is a Dick. The total opposite of what I like in a lover.
The Good Part Despite my good intentions my body took over.
1st encounter:
Meeting to discuss our contract renewal and it lead into my legs on his lap while he sat in his chair. As I sat in a chair across him in my dress, His hands on my feet was such a turn-on, for me & him. His hands ran up my thighs grabbing my ass & pulling my legs around him. His thick dick chubby was warm against me. I tried not to stare into his eyes.
In my head I started to think "Pretty Woman" (no kissing). His plump lips were so seductive. They were so soft and his tongue as it slid across mine, wow. I just melted imaging his tongue on my clit.
The encounter neared the end as I went to leave I said I feel cheated. He replied, " if you want to see it you will have to pull it out yourself." I love a challenge. I fumbled around with his belt in excitement, like a 15 yr old girl about to see her first penis. As his slightly chubby cock filled my hand & our eyes went to the office door , which was not locked, I realized I was in trouble. We stood interlocking lips as I stroked his dick & his finger thrust into my wet pussy. I moaned ever so quietly as our interaction ended.
2nd encounter:
We met outside of a Data storage plex where his buddy had a box truck parked. The door closed nearly but a glow from the street lights eliminated our bodies. A comforter thrown on the flat board floor. We sat on the comforter talking about various topics as he kissed my toes (hot right!). His hands rubbing my calf as he made his way up my thighs, then to his surprise my panty-less pussy.
On his knees in front of me, he bowed in submission as he ran his tongue across my clit and in and out of my wet pussy. He laid on top of me as we kissed passionately. I rolled him over on to his back and kissed him along his neck making my way down his body biting him softly as I made my way down to the thick dick I had been fantasizing about since our last meeting.
I exhaled my warm wet breath on the tip of his porno sized perfect cock. The excitement & anticipation in his eyes as I licked his dick sliding the shaft along my lips. I filled my mouth with his balls then began to lick his taint. I tried to control my excitement because I longed to suck his dick for the days leading up to our ronde view. I however know the excitement is in the tease so I held off on allowing his dick to protrude into my mouth.
He took charge forcing me on all fours as he licked my pussy from behind. He pulled me up on my knees my back against his chest. We kissed as I played with my pussy and sliding his hard cock between my legs. My wet pussy made his thrusting me from behind along the exterior of my pussy feel "orgasmic". It was all either of is could do not to just force it inside giving into our deepest desires.
We shared in conversation to slow things down. To my surprise I found myself beginning to really like him. Not just because he is hot and I want to fuck his brains out instead because of the things he hides from others. I like he is a cheater and I could never worry about being with him in a relationship, I like that he is a dork deep inside, he is sweet no matter how much he denies himself to be. I found a new desire. Back to the good stuff.
This box truck meeting lasted nearly 3 hrs. In that time we 69-d , which was amazing. We switched it up with me topless and naked atop him while he laid on his back. The juice from my wet pussy dripped onto him as he kissed my perfect breast. My pussy twitched with anticipation as he realized he set the alarm for AM instead of PM. We rushed to find our clothes and dress for our return to reality.
Having shared this box truck fantasy has sparked a part of me that I thought was dead.
TL:DR - I'm married, fooled around but I don't want to stop now. I fucked up.
blucherie: What the fuck is this shit? I swear I was on tifu. I wanna read about people accidentally shitting themselves and throwing up on their dogs, not cringe my way though some sort of faggy erotica chapter. either way you're a fucking cunt, you should prolly forward this to your husband.
[deleted]: It was fucking Hot dont be jealous. You aren't that bright if you continued to read the whole post if it bothered you that badly.
Enjoy your post about shit and vomit. I dont judge enjoy your fettish and i'll enjoy mine.
blucherie: "fetish..."
TLDR "I'm cheating on my husband and bragging about it, please help me / feel sorry for me internet"
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1385288202 | 1385394936 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | amplebooty: TIFU and my friend accidentally took a photo of me pissing.
So my mate and I decide to get high since we'd just finished our exams at uni for the year. It's a funny sesh with a lot of random conversation until the point where i need to piss. Now we were stoned in a park next to a road, i was tripping balls and couldn't find a place i wanted to piss. So i was walking around, half pissing and then stopping to go look for a better spot. I must've done that about 5 times. Anyway my mates just laughing but i finally find a spot and start pissing. I was so high that my arms were crossed while i was pissing and my friend thought he'd take a funny photo of me high. Out of nowhere i hear "gotcha" and i see a big light and my mate grinning with his phone. His face went from smiling, to pure horror within a second. He had no clue i was pissing and for a moment i thought he was fucking mental. We both found it pretty funny for a while afterwards.
myvirginityisstrong: pics or it didn't happen
amplebooty: I wish i had the pick of his face when he realised i was pissing
AppleSponge: no. the other pic.
amplebooty: I knew what you were asking for queer boy, i just decided to ignore it.
AppleSponge: my sarcasm detector decided to break down. sorry.
| 6 | 1 | |
1385309835 | 1385402482 | null | t5_2to41 | 57 | Arctic_Religion: TIFU by losing $500...
Went to a casino. Decided I would only spend $100. Went to a Blackjack table with a $50 minimum bet and ended up leaving the table with $525 (a $500 and $25 chip). I was psyched. So I walked around for a bit and I took out my phone to snap a picture of the chip…I dropped it. Lost forever. I hope it went to someone who needed it…like anyone there needed.
Kigasho: where exactly did you drop it? i mean if you dropped it on the floor couldn't you just.. pick it back up?
poswimol: Thought that too at first, then I realized he meant it must have fallen out of his pocket. because when he reached in to get it, it wasn't there.
Kigasho: bad sentence structure then, but that completely sucks op! :(
| 4 | 14.25 | |
1385312192 | 1385318877 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | whitesammy: TIFU by sharing food with a coworker.
This motherfucker...
I work 7:30-3:30pm Friday-Sunday at a job where I have to be reachable by phone/at the computer at all times during my shift. On Friday i ordered a medium pizza(8 slices) and some breadsticks(was unaware that they give you at least 10 of them in a medium pizza box) from Papa Johns. I ate 3 slices and 3 breadsticks and put the rest in the fidge. 3:30 rolls around and my coworker shows up to take over for the night shift and i said to him "I ordered pizza and breadsticks for lunch. If you want some it's in the fridge."
Saturday morning i come in and open up shop and think nothing of the leftovers that will be my lunch again today. About 12 i finish up a call and decide to take a break for lunch. When i open the fridge i see A box from Papa Johns. It's the box that the breadsticks come in that still has the soaked look from the butter/garlic stuff that they cover it in that leaked out of the container they put the breaksticks in to put into the pizza box. I think to myself, "maybe he just put it all in one box".
[NO](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mJXYMDu6dpY)[PE](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gvdf5n-zI14)
Fucking prick ate the remaining 5 slices of pizza AND 3 of the breadsticks. WHAT. THE. FUCK. The kicker is that the pizza box was not in any of the trash bins(I put the trash at the curb Friday morning) at our office which means he took the fucking box with him.
TL;DR: [Fuck that guy.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jiGcGh5nj5A)
leedade: To be fair you didn't tell him he couldn't eat all of it, you gotta clarify these things bro
whitesammy: However, I did say "some". Anyone without Aspergers would understand that to mean, "Not all of my fucking pizza."
leedade: ask him to buy you more pizza then
| 4 | 2 | |
1385321544 | 1385326215 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | CantSeeShit: LNMFFU by getting beer all over his mom
[deleted]: What is LNMFFU mean?
CantSeeShit: Last night my friend fucked up
| 3 | 1 | |
1385307107 | 1385778185 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | LeyfLeyf: TIFU by getting drunk before a rave.
WARNING: PUKE
So it was a great Saturday night and I was at an anime convention preparing for the midnight rave with a couple friends (this was last night) and we did so by having a LOT of Bacardi... I was really quite intoxicated but I felt really happy and great! That is until I started dancing really really hard. And I love dancing, so its not like I was going to conciously sit out! But I ended up doing just that after two songs.. so I sat in the back with a cup of water and I started feeling sick, so I grabbed another cup. (This was the best idea I had all night) because I puked in said cup until it was generously full.
So here I am at an anime/gaming rave surrounded by peoples 13-30, shirtless, sweaty, and carying a cup of water, and a cup of puke. I casually walked..no.. stumbled over to the garbage can and threw my drink(s) away. I got back to my room, hopped in the shower, and proceeded to puke so much burger/bleu cheese that it clogged the drain and I sat crying in a tub full of water and my own meals.
Drink responsibly, everyone.
[deleted]: You missed a great rave.
LeyfLeyf: Were you there?
[deleted]: The calm before the storm. . . of course I was there, Q.
LeyfLeyf: Oh great. Well you obviously know me but I'm not really in the mood for a guessing game
[deleted]: Post history is a thing, you know.
LeyfLeyf: Haha I suppose it is! You changed your name then?
[deleted]: Kind of. It's more like an alt.
LeyfLeyf: That's right, you told me you had a few.
[deleted]: 4 accounts now.
| 10 | 3.1 | |
1385324165 | 1385332053 | null | t5_2to41 | 73 | Actually_bi_not_gay: TIFU By Accidentally Playing an Extremely Vlugar, Homoerotic Redditor Made Song to My Extremely Prude, Religious Family
I had lunch with my mom/dad/grandma just to catch up. I haven't really had the time to talk with them since I started my professional career. Lunch went great, but when I was driving them home, I decided to stop by a grocer's first to pick up some milk.
Some of my Ipod is classic rock songs, which my family members like, so instead of listening to my radio, I just played them my Ipod.
As I said in the title, my family members are really religious. They're Hispanic immigrants, they have a picture of the Virgin Mary in every room of the house, and when they went to school their teachers were nuns, and priests. Needless to say they also agree with most of the Catholic church's policies.
Well, a few months ago I put a Redditor made song on my Ipod, the song contained lyrics like "I always think of guys when I beat my meat" , "Here's a list of things we like the most, cocks (dicks), penis (pricks), anything that's really thick!", "Go to the movie just for Brad Pitt, mad boners so my jeans don't fit", "I'm gay with every boy I see, don't care if they shower, dirty, or clean", "it aint' wrong that I like to touch, 24/7 ain't that much", and "one day I saw my daddy in the shower, so I chocked my chicken for half an hour"
It seems that I forgot to delete the song from my Ipod, and out of all the songs I have on there, that's the song that played when I quickly went into the store to get some milk.
When I got back to my car they all looked at me with these horrified faces. Upon entering my car I was bombarded with questions like, "Jaime, what is this filth!?" , "Why did it play us that gay song?"
After looking through my Ipod, I eventually found a song they were talking about. I made up some excuse about one of my friends putting it on my Ipod as a joke.
I don't think they believed my excuse. The rest of the car ride to their places was really quite and awkward.
The_Master_of_LOLZ: Do... Do you have a link to the song?
Joaoaoao: [/r/funny thread link](http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/1ar0bw/pussy_it_just_aint_for_me_the_gayest_rap_song/)
[Soundcloud link](https://soundcloud.com/platinum_jesus/pussy-it-aint-for-me)
| 3 | 24.333333 | |
1385338065 | 1385411557 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: tifu by smuglin coke outa leeds......
hapened a whil back but.... i shoved 6 grams of coke up me shitehole on the plane to ibiza in 2001 four days after september the 11th. so you can imagine the sercurity, i was fukin brickin it. i was so paranoid that when we boarded the plane and just before take off i could feel the fuckin thing popping out. so i decided to go to the toilet and give it a finger back in place... what happened was i shoved it so deep back up their i could nt feel it anymore. this created more paranoia that id over dose or somein if the johny broke. so squeezed and i squeezed till the the bugger popped out again and put it in my pocket. after leaving the toilet a stewadess made an anouncement that a sniffer dog was coming on board to check for bombs........oh my shittin god!!!!!! i thought am really fucked now !!!
so i took the thing out of my pocket and threw it down the alse of the plane thinking some other cunnt can take this one....... after a few seconds of thought and realisation that if coke was found on the plane no one was going any where... i was not going to be soaking ii in up ibiz. so i raced down the asle quickly grabbed the coke and bombed it back to the fuckin toilet.....
What do i do i thought ?
fuck itttt!!! ill do the the lot right now in the toilet !!!!!!!!
so i did !!
i did 4 1 gram lines in about 2 miates, then the door started banging with a stewardess telling me to hurry back to my seat....panic , images cop dogs barking at me sniffing my ass hole, then imaginaning the copper asking me to quietly leave the plane..... not me mate am going manomissin tommorrow and fuck all youse stopping me, so i emptyed the rest of the coke into my mouth swilling it in my back and forth through my teeth.
by this point i nearly collapsd in the toilet as the coke hit my brain from the 4 grams id just smashed up me nose...i was bolloxed..... i quickly dressed my self down an as best i could i kept a straight face as not to let my jaw slide from side to side. i not give the fact away i was absolutely off my face.. as i sat down i looked towards the toilet and saw a stewardess return back with i johny pinched between her fingers talking to her colleges....oh NO !!!! i am double fucked now!!!!!
i turned to me mate and told him id done all the gear up my ass in the toilet because i was so pranged...their was 15 lads on the trip....all of then in chorus started shout and repeated...
"dannys on a bender , dannys on a bender lalalala lalalalala"
i sank into my seat an hoped it would go away. lucky the dog did nt sniff a thing and the stewardess just wanted the cunting plane to take off as bad as i did.
as the plane was in cruise and the trolly food passed around the young girl turned to me and said " are you ok you look awfully pale" the lads just roared with laughter.
i reply "am just a bad flyer love....." nothing to do with being absolutely chinged off me face......
-dbmg
gwallace1612: Fuck. Way to make us English look like a bunch of fucking inbreds. Learn to spell...
catcradle5: As an American, it makes me feel good that most other countries have the equivalent of hillbillies.
[deleted]: you forgot a comma yeh hillbilly
catcradle5: Fixed.
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1385343648 | 1386339399 | null | t5_2to41 | 76 | Take_it_SLEEZYY: TIFU and called my girlfriend by my ex's name
This happened last night. Our relationship started less than 2 weeks before and we planned to go camping because none of us had in a while. It was amazing, it was just the both of us and we had fires, caught crawdads, had drinks, etc.
at the end of the drunk night, I accidentally call her by my ex's name and then she just broke. She went off to use the rest room and I left the campsite and went to some unlit backtrail to grasp wtf I had just done. I'm there for a while kicking the sh*t out of myself for being such an idiot. She somehow finds me and gets me to come back to the tent and sleep. We're still together and tell each other we love each other. She's pretty hurt right now and I don't blame her one bit. We are both committed to this relationship and she said she wants to work through this tough patch, we may start at zero again, but for me I would for this girl.
The thing that makes it even worse is that we have an amazing connection/bond and she really is everything I've ever wanted in a girl. I don't have any feelings for my ex (5 year relationship) at all, she is nothing compared to my current gf, I cut all communication from her and don't regret it one bit.
Tl;dr: At the end of an amazing and romantic camping trip, I called my girlfriend by my ex's name.
I hid a bunch of love notes from songs I sing to her around her purse and room, she hasn't seen any/gone home yet. Just came back from a bird feeding picnic date with her and will be having a movie date tonight when she's off work. I fucked up bad and she's hurt, but she's still by my side.
S31P3L: i think its cute when kids have been dating for two weeks and claim to "love" eachother. lmao
countfenrir: Fuck off its called "growing up".
S31P3L: On the contrary, it's actually a pretty good example of having not grown up at all.
countfenrir: No. Figuring out what is and isn't love is an important part of developing strong adult relationships later on. Yes it sounds dumb when they say it but they're feeling a lot of real emotions many of which probably aren't love but they're doing it together. Unless you weren't very good with girls I'm sure you felt the same at least once. No need to be bitter.
S31P3L: I agree with you. Trial and error is the only way to grow up but, two weeks is barely enough to confirm you actually even enjoy a person's presence much less, whether you love them or not. This person is obviously just finding out what its like to be with a girl for the first time... any other argument for this "love" is just silly.
countfenrir: Yes we know it is silly now but did know years ago? You're in middle school/early high school and your hormones are a'ragin and you find yourself getting hot and heavy with some hot girl and it's amazing. Your stupid brain doesn't want to call it "horny" and there has got to be a better word right? Why not love? I mean the they're lucky if it lasts 2 month but that time will be an emotional roller coaster. They'll laugh and cry and feel so many other things. I did it many many times. I'm in love now and have been for 3 years and we're happy together. I really enjoyed figuring out what real love was. My point is that yes, it's stupid for them to say it but it's natural and there's no need to be condescending about something that everyone does at least once.
| 7 | 10.857143 | |
1385350662 | 1385647755 | null | t5_2to41 | 93 | YourAsianBuddy: TIFU by pushing a q-tip too far in my ear.
After my shower, I was being careless while cleaning my ears with the q-tips, and dug a little too deep this time. My ear just started to gush out blood, oozing down the side of my head. Here I am now, on reddit, laying on the side of my head, with a bright red cotton ball in my ear.
Tomazim: I did that once with a compass :(
FlyingBaconCandle: wat
kufan64: He's probably referring to one of [these](http://mediacdn.shopatron.com/media/mfg/3980/product_image/thm/t182_d06abf94379c0db1749d39a221d055c5.jpg) and not one of [these](http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/5/59/Plastic-compass.jpg)
FlyingBaconCandle: Thank you. I was so confused
telepaper: I still wonder why someone would stick a compass (the first one) up his ear
Tomazim: I was young and itchy
| 7 | 13.285714 | |
1385357488 | 1385368228 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | Augenmann: TIFU and got my Hand wet
I don't know if this is a Major Fuck-up yet but I decided to post it here anyways.
It starts pretty harmless with me sleeping in my room at around 11:45 AM, when suddenly my sister Comes bursting in, rudely waking me up and yelling: "Augenmann, get up! Lunch is ready!" I give her the occasional "I'll be there in a Minute" and wait until she leaves to get up.
(At this Point you gotta know that my Grandma often Cooks at our house and she live upstairs while my dad, my mum, my sister and I use the bottom floor.)
So basically everyone but me was upstairs and already eating and I had to go relief myself in the bathroom. I decided what the heck, I have enough time, I'll take my phone with me. So I'm Standing there with my phone in my Hand, reading stuff on reddit. Suddenly that little fucker decides to slip outta my fingers and go directly for that pee in the toilet. I noticed the slip but it was too late for my dead-snake-Reflexes. It went *sploosh* and all i saw was my phone in a sort of yellow tone. I immediately reach for it in the toilet. Get it out, fucker slips again, falls back in. Second try, get it out for real, flushed, raced to the sink, disassembled it, washed it with water (I mean, it's just been inside the toilet how bad can it be?)
I then proceed to soak it with water, but hey at least it didn't stink anymore. Now I'm sitting here with a wet disassembled phone and I'm totally not gonna try if it works untill I'm sure it's comletely dry again.
Update will follow (if i don't forget)
**TL;DR: Dropped phone into toilet, tried to not make it smell like pee.**
Wrxhatch08: Put it in a bag of rice
mscheryltunt: No, this time use kitty litter
| 3 | 6 | |
1385365792 | 1385392436 | null | t5_2to41 | 80 | Superomegla: TIFU by forgetting how many people there were in my group.
So, today I fucked up.
We have known about this project since last september, and originally there were 7 of us. I was pushed to be the leader of the group, and one particularly pushy member asked me to assign parts of the project to everyone.
Fast forward to today (Late november). The pushy person dropped the course, and the assignment is due in 3 days. We reorganized the parts on facebook, but I forgot about the one person who isn't on the group because he doesn't have facebook.
I was about to start working on my part, when I notice that I got an email. I check it, and it's my part. I fucked up when I forgot him while we distributed the work load, and now I look like an asshole who played everyone so that he didn't have to do any work.
Nobody else has figured out how I accidentally played them, and I'm really not looking forwards to owning up to my mistake.
Tomazim: As somebody who doesn't use facebook, it's damn annoying when people just assume that you should.
neanderthalman: Easy solution - have an idle Facebook account that you don't actively use. Disable all email notifications except for messages. Facebook messages become emails so you stay in the loop.
Can do the same for events to avoid missing anything scheduled using Facebook.
| 3 | 26.666667 | |
1385360499 | 1385458224 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | cobywankenobi: TIFU by trimming my balls.
Actually, this happened like a week or two ago but I'm just drunk / tipsy enough to retell it. I was trimming my balls and, normally, I use a buzzer with a razor afterward for a closer shave. Well after a few nicks here and there over the months, I realized I needed a new method. So I started using the scissors that came in my Wahl Clippers set. Well all was going well in the trimming department until I decided to twist braid my pubic leaves and cut them. As I was pulling on the strands of testicular whiskers, I realized, too late as it was, that my scrotum stretched with the hair as well. As I went to cut, I slightly pinched my sack of justice in the metal jaws of doom that were my Wahl scissors. Not much blood, and the actual cut was about the size of the head of a ballpoint pen. Still though, yeef. It hurt. So gents, or ladies depending on how you identify yourself / how you trim yourself, be careful when pulling and cutting.
Deidara77: This is definately on the list of things no one gets taught how to do.
Bootswithderfuhrer: you definitely don't know how to spell definitely
| 3 | 7 | |
1385390181 | 1385429094 | null | t5_2to41 | 64 | cameltoer: TIFU by going around with a huge camel toe
Last week I bought a new pair of black super-skinny jeans and started wearing them every day to school. Sure they were a bit uncomfortable, but all new skinny jeans are in the beginning, right? Then, today, I was talking to this guy from my class out in the corridor, he was sitting down on a bench and I was standing, so obviously his eyes was close to the same height as my crotch. So we're talking like usually, but I notice his eyes keep drifting away from my face... And sure enough, when I get home and look in the mirror I realise I have been going around with a huge camel toe for the past week.
I'm so embarassed I don't know what to do with myself.
EDIT: [Fuck it have a photo, who cares.](http://i.imgur.com/lcotkqt.jpg) *It looks worse in person than on that picture though*
Gingerizhere: Wear yoga pants instead. Who doesn't like yoga pants?
abrooks1125: FOR SCIENCE!!!
Grokfrotter: For mankind!
tgangsta27: Ooooo ooo downvote me next!!!
MalevolentFerret: Well, if you insist...
| 6 | 10.666667 | |
1385384662 | 1385418569 | null | t5_2to41 | 590 | janedoethrows: TIFU by probably ruining a theater employee's night
Let's keep this short. It was technically last night but I'm only now recovering.
Yesterday ran some errands, things got busy. Picked up some chicken strips at BK for lunch.
Everything seemed fine, had a nap and decided to go to a movie with my boyfriend. I'm having some gas pain but not overly bad.
We get to the theater and he's buying tickets while I sense a familiar rumble and make a mad dash to the washroom, darting part the ticket booth into the theater area to get to it.
Barely make it before the shit storm begins. Thankfully I did not shit my pants. I did however successfully vomit across the entire left wall, including all the toilet paper and napkin receptacle.
Tl;dr bad chicken, toilet stall covered in vomit at the theater.
barnacledoor: Wow, that is awesome. If I make a mess when I'm out and about, I generally try to clean up after myself if I can, but I wouldn't even know what to do in this situation. Did you go report it or even have your boyfriend report it? Or did you just bolt? I have to be honest, I think I'd just bolt for that one.
janedoethrows: Just bolted.
PoorMansSpeedball: I worked at a theater for 4 years.
If something like this happens again... PLEASE tell someone. We have this powder you add to puke that turns it into sawdust and makes the room smell lemon fresh, then it can just be swept up. You don't have to admit it was you but we'd rather be told quicker by you than 10 minutes later by an angry customer who demands a free ticket.
David_mcnasty: ... For curiosities sake what is the name of this magic powder?
PoorMansSpeedball: Super-sorb. [You can even buy it on amazon] (http://www.amazon.com/Absorbent-Powder-Liquids-Vomit-FRE614SS/dp/B0017OVLJW). This was my favorite product in the theater. Puke, blood (that one time), piss all around the urinals, or even if someone spilled their drink on the tile floor. This stuff goes on and when it contacts liquid it goes from powder to a sawdust-like substance that smells amazing (lemon-y, no chemical burn at all) and can be swept into a dustpan to be thrown away into a trash can. Takes no time at all, too.
As a warning, it takes around 1/3 to 1/2 of a can to deal with a big spill (say, a 20 oz drink or so), so it would get expensive if we used it for EVERYTHING.
David_mcnasty: This is amazing. I am gonna have to buy some of this just for the sake of having it should I ever need it.
PoorMansSpeedball: I've never bought any but I used to take a can or two to my apartment if I was running low back when I still worked there... It was awesome.
David_mcnasty: I imagine if one hosts parties often it would be a godsend to have under the sink.
PoorMansSpeedball: It most certainly is
Octopus_Tetris: Can I ask you what a poor man's speedball is?
PoorMansSpeedball: I like to think of it as a jager bomb, but pretty much any mixture of uppers and downers. I learned from some redditor in Cambodia that they sell a drink over there that is basically red bull + a downer of some sort as a sports-esque drink.
Octopus_Tetris: Wow, sounds poor indeed.
PoorMansSpeedball: Yeah. Love me some jag bombs. Don't care for heroin, so it's getting two birds stoned at once.
Octopus_Tetris: Dont knock it til you try it, they say.
PoorMansSpeedball: Nah, pretty sure I'm gonna pass on the heroin
Octopus_Tetris: Good call, I think.
| 17 | 34.705882 | |
1385404723 | 1385484641 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,462 | CenturiesChild: TIFU by shitting myself in the middle of nowhere and hobbling around the countryside in terror
For some completely bizarre reason, I decided to down three cups of coffee and eat a Mcdonalds for my breakfast when I had a dodgy stomach. Afterwards, I felt like going for a walk by a lake up in the fells, so I took my iPod and went. After walking for around an hour, and finding myself in complete isolation, remarkably under-dressed and freezing cold - my stomach started groaning. I panicked. I could feel the turtle head slowly slide out and I was too far from the car, so I decided to run into the forest and take a nature shit. Then it all went to hell. I was sprinting full on 60mph and sweating like a bastard, my foot caught a rock and I flipped over - released my shit in mid air - and landed with a crushing blow directly on my anus, squashing everything. I felt like crying and the smell was horrendous. I got up, gagging at myself, and hobbled off to the car. When I was almost there, a family group of hikers asked me for directions - I had to talk to them, but unfortunately they were the kind of people that come really close up to you when they talk. This added a whole new level of terror, I had to tell a family of hikers which direction the lake was in, all the while red faced, watery eyed and covered in my own shit. I am convinced they smelled me, because the womans face went bright red which made mine go even redder. I got in the car, and drove home in the throes of a psychological breakdown.
funkypartyweasel: As awkward as this post is...all I can think is at least you have your own transport.
I'm unfortunate enough to have to rely on public transport and this is a slight fear of mine. This could've been a lot worse (although it's still quite embarrassing).
Remember, you'll never see them again, doubt they'll remember it.
SirNarwhal: Don't worry, I've shat myself on the subway a few times and no one ever noticed or knew.
QWOP_Expert: Oh, they knew alright.
SirNarwhal: No, seriously, they didn't. Unless you have the world's smelliest asshole no one is going to notice unless they're shoving their head in your asshole.
free_dead_puppy: Haha dude I've been on enough subways with hobos that have shit themselves to say you're wrong on this.
SirNarwhal: There's this crazy thing called normal people get off at the next stop, not lay there for 6 fucking hours while already naturally covered in bacteria. If you also want to get technical, since I had colitis, I had no bacteria in my colon so my refuse never smelled anyway because it physically couldn't.
ObsidianOne: Umm.. bacteria isn't the only thing that makes shit stink. It's the whole 'waste product from food' part that can't be digested, because it's, you know, shit...
| 8 | 182.75 |
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