start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1 value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1 value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1340665259 | 1340915276 | t3_vlja2 | t5_2to41 | 8 | Hmpsndmps: TIFU: Backed out of the driveway and grazed my dad's car. Grazed it hard enough to crush something, rendering the driver's side door immovable.
So now we're looking at a potential $1,300 repair. Any advice? I'm already thinking of a budget for my sophomore year at college, and now I have to factor this in, which throws everything off.
[deleted]: Don't repair it then.
Edit: Just thought of an idea.
Swap cars. Take your dad's damaged car and give him your car.
Hmpsndmps: Haha -I- wouldn't mind that but trading a Volvo S40 for a 2005 Dodge Stratus, regardless of the state of the door isn't a good trade. But yeah, if it were as simple as just leaving it, we wouldn't repair it, but *the driver's side door does not open at all* and that kinda really sucks.
ConstableOdo: Climb in the passenger side door, provided the door is shut enough to stay so while moving.
| 4 | 2 | |
1340693957 | 1340797627 | t3_vmabz | t5_2to41 | 57 | jaredpaik: TIFU by dropping my backpack
And smashing a $150 bottle of DKNY cologne that was sitting in the bottom of my bag, now my house smells like cologne and I have a rent inspection on Thursday.
Kancho_Ninja: Rent inspector?
The last time I saw one of those I was in the UK 30 years ago. They're still around?
jaredpaik: Still very real here in Australia.
electricheat: What do they do? A quick google just turned up with job postings.
jaredpaik: Basically come and inspect the property to make sure it's in full order, so no damage to the premises, or anything that could be against our lease.
electricheat: Interesting. Sounds a little stressful.
Do they work on behalf of the landlord, or are they a supposedly neutral party?
jaredpaik: The real estate agent has their own inspector, normally it's the property manager him/herself.
It's midnight and I'm still cleaning. We live in a 4 bedroom, 2 bathroom single story house with a huge backyard. Most of my time has been outdoors cleaning up the yard.
HollowSix: I'm glad that invasive process is illegal here in Canada.
smardalek: I would guess that it's detailed in the lease when you sign up to rent a place, so you should know what you're getting into when you move in :/
Not saying I agree with it, but it seems like it would at least give incentive to keep shit nice in a place you don't own outright.
HollowSix: That's true. Companies that rent here have a huge problem with places getting pretty trashed by tenants...
Sometimes I forget not everybody takes care of their home simply because they live in it.
| 10 | 5.7 | |
1340728784 | 1340916035 | t3_vmwnk | t5_2to41 | 203 | Melforprezzz: TIFU got a splinter in my throat
So earlier I was eating a Popsicle, thinking nothing of it. I finished my popsicle and decide it would be a good idea to chew up the wooden stick it came on. After a few minutes of this, I realize I feel something in the back of my throat. I try coughing and what not, to no avail. I continue for the next few hours in mild discomfort. I try coughing some more and coughing, and coughing, and FINALLY it feels like something shifted... My momentary relief was quickly followed by intense agony. I run to the bathroom to try and figure out what the hell is going on. I'm looking and looking and then I see it. Way back on my right tonsil, a little wooden splinter is sticking out like it owns the place. I then reached in and dislodged a splinter from my tonsil that was at least 6 cm long. Blood ensued.
TL;DR lack of gag reflex saved my life
[deleted]: Once accidentally swallowed a tiny fishbone while eating salmon. I may not have noticed but it got caught in my throat. Strangest sensation, had no idea what had happened... and even after I spotted it with a mirror and light, and somehow finally dislodged it (coughing, gargling salt water) it still felt like it was there. That sensation lasted at least a day. Definitely worse things in life but I can sympathize.
TL;DR be very careful when eating fish, especially salmon.
always_sharts: im always careful with fish filets now because of this. those damn tiny invisible bones that are never removed. I have to usually mash the fish up to small pieces to ensure each fork full is clear
[deleted]: I read as those damn tiny invisible boners.
always_sharts: i just imagined a fish covered in little dicks... thanks man
[deleted]: Reminded me of this - http://www.dickfish.com/
always_sharts: that website makes me uncomfortable
[deleted]: You're not alone ;)
always_sharts: now ascii rendered onto a screen, that gets me going...
| 9 | 22.555556 | |
1340730643 | 1340734918 | t3_vmyl8 | t5_2to41 | 36 | king_samwich: TIFU by burning my foot on a toy scooter...
I was rolling down a cement driveway really fast on the scooter (in bare feet) and I pushed down hard on the brake at the back. Instant skin melting, you can see the pattern of the brake embedded into the blister lol :/
[The burn](http://imgur.com/wwdGe) and [Another](http://imgur.com/NtrWQ)
[The scooter in question](http://imgur.com/Bv0d9)
joeyparis: Wait, was it hot from the friction or from the sun?
king_samwich: friction... lol I can't walk properly
| 3 | 12 | |
1340731323 | 1340740978 | t3_vmzbr | t5_2to41 | 85 | [deleted]: According to my Mother and Sister, TIFU.
PrognosisWafflecone: Fuck 'em! But you didn't really fuck up. Also horses are dope.
KaitKindly: That's what my grandma told me now that I am back at the house; also made the discovery my best friend is off work and can go riding later. :) So today is getting better!
PrognosisWafflecone: I work in IT all day. Any day that can be spent with horses is a great day! Have fun and be safe!
KaitKindly: Ooh, I hope you get to spend some time with horses, soon! :) And I will!
| 5 | 17 | |
1340740734 | 1340742128 | t3_vn9uy | t5_2to41 | 20 | mymomsgonnakillme: TIFU im pretty sure that I formatted the memory card that has me and my twin sisters high school graduation pictures.
My girlfriend took all the pictures of me and my sister at graduation, and afterwards gave me the memory card. Fast forward about a month, me being a typical guy hasnt done anything with these pictures. I bought myself a camera with graduation money, and it didnt come with a memory card. So i popped in the one I that had all the graduation pictures on it, completely forgetting that it already had those pictures. So then I got a memory card that looked exactly like the one with the graduation pictures on it. Im not sure when it happened, but I ended up formatting that card thinking it was the other one. So my moms probably going to kill me. We have a lot of other pictures from family and my friends family, but these were really good pictures.
TL;DR I formatted a card with graduation pics on it.
MandatorilyMatutinal: If you haven't written any data onto it, you have a good chance with data recovery software. Unless it was a proper, full format. It's worth a try in any case.
mymomsgonnakillme: Thanks. Im not sure if ive written any on it, but I do know that when I formatted it it was a low level format.
MandatorilyMatutinal: Download a couple of reputable free data recovery programs and give it a go. It doesn't cost you anything to try!
McBullseye: Good way to learn those tools too. They aren't as intimidating as they look.
| 5 | 4 | |
1340546171 | 1340820411 | t3_vivmh | t5_2to41 | 6 | Aldairion: TIFU: Got my very first sunburn. They kinda suck.
I guess it was technically yesterday that I fucked up, but my back still kills. I'm 24 and I've never gotten sunburnt before. I'm of Indian descent and I always thought I was immune to that sort of thing, and I'd actually get pretty smug around my friends whenever they got sunburnt.
Anyway, on Thursday I was out at the pool for a couple hours. I've got a wicked farmer's tan and I figured I'd even that out. I felt a little tingly later that day, but I wrote it off as simple discomfort from the hot weather. Then Friday, I had a free afternoon and some friends that I hadn't seen in a while called me up. We decided to hang out at the pool again. One of the girls insisted that I put some sunscreen on, but I said I was fine...you know, because I'm way too proud and naive. We ended up hanging out there for four goddamn hours. I mean I had fun, but I didn't realize what I was doing to myself.
I got back home to shower after the pool, and my first thought was, "Wow this water is really warm...wait what the hell?" I didn't know my skin could get that pink. At least the rest of me has a nice shade of bronze on. Now I'm just waiting to peel. It feels like someone is constantly tearing duct tape off of me. I mean this isn't the *worst* pain I've ever felt, but I didn't realize it'd be like this and I'm kicking myself because I could've easily prevented this from happening.
Stay safe in the sun guys.
andr0medam31: Last week I got sunburn all over my stomach and legs from walking on a beach for ~6 hours in a bikini. I was in bed for two days with a fever.
At least I put sunscreen on my face and upper body.
Aldairion: I always thought I was immune to sunburns.
[Here's my shoulder.](http://i.imgur.com/Jefqv.jpg) I'm never going outside again. :|
andr0medam31: Put aloe vera on it? That's quite a splotchy pattern.
Aldairion: I've been doing so. Those splotches are just the result of my skin peeling.
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1340759601 | 1340834419 | t3_vnsuy | t5_2to41 | 23 | redstonenico: TIFU by writing my name in wet cement and having an old man get out of his car stoping traffic to tell at me and threatening to the call the cops while telling me to "get the mother fucking name out with my fucking finger, mother fucker
I was walking down the street and saw some wet cement (insert title here) I'm actually freaked out because he took a picture of me while I was trying to erase it. Then some other guy came out of a bank after the car guy told me to leave and said he had every thing on video so I just walked away as fast as I could. I'm nervous that he actually called the police. I didn't wrote my real name just nico which is what people know me by. TIFU
hypnofed: So was the fuck up that you were defacing public property, or that you got caught doing it?
redstonenico: Mostly that I got caught even though I didn't know it was illegal since I see names written everywhere on cement.
Tarkaan: Why do you think anyone wants to see your name in the concrete? Nobody wants to see that. Grow up.
redstonenico: I just saw wet cement and wanted to write my name in it.
| 5 | 4.6 | |
1340762233 | 1341916180 | t3_vnve0 | t5_2to41 | 108 | Peacockblue11: TIFU - I read this postsecret card, then kissed my boyfriend. Now he thinks he has a small dick.
I was on Postsecret and read [this](http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-4nYxqIWiWe0/T-YszeBcIkI/AAAAAAAATlg/rBUPwMnTOzw/s400/perfect.jpg) post card. It was so cute, I leaned over to my boyfriend and gave him a peck. It wouldn't have been a big deal EXCEPT that he was leaning over my shoulder and read the post secret card.
He is now convinced that he has a small dick, and I thinks that I kissed him to *console* him. There is no convincing him otherwise and now I feel like a shithead.
I will also add .... he seriously does not have a small dick.
syscofresh: And here I thought that every guy has measured their dick and googled "average penis size" at some point...
Oggie90: I'm curious about who spent the time measuring dicks to get this information and it would have to be a lot of dicks, a sample size of 10,000 is not enough for the entire world or even a country.
averyrdc: 10,000 is significantly more than necessary as a sample size.
Bazzatron: not really! There's little over 7billion human beings on this planet, and with a gender ration of (2005 figure) 1.01:1 male:female, that means that of a population that is 7.025x10^9 (7.025Bn), there are 3582750000 penises in the world, are you happy to allow your average penis size be dictated by taking a sample that is 1/358275 (0.000027912%) of the total population?
I think not.
especially if those dudes are outliers.
I pity the person doing the real statistic work on this though, so many data points!
averyrdc: Statistics can be counter intuitive like that. According to [this calculator](http://www.surveysystem.com/sscalc.htm), for a population of 3.5 billion, with a 95% level of confidence and 5% confidence interval, 387 is a sufficient sample. Even a confidence interval of 1% would not require 10,000 people.
Bazzatron: I'm only in first year of my undergrad, so I'm still kinda new to the subtle nuances of statistics - but it seems odd that we can predict 3.5Bn people from a sample of 387 people!
Science eh?
| 7 | 15.428571 | |
1340774932 | 1340829379 | t3_vo75u | t5_2to41 | 265 | 8_bit_hero: TIFU by stopping at the side of the road for an emergency shit and almost getting arrested
Today was a friends' birthday, so my wife and I drove the 25 minutes into town to hang out with her. We got dinner, went to a bar, bought some books, and had a generally good day before going back to the friends' house for, and here you see the part where I fucked up, some wine and pizza rolls. Each good on their own, but I'm not sure pairing the pizza rolls with a bottle of Cabernet was the best decision.
Fast forward an hour and a half, and I'm not feeling my best. I can't really use the friends' bathroom because it is RIGHT by the living room, and I can tell that when things happen, they are going to HAPPEN. I think a moment, and then decide that I can make the drive home if we leave ASAP. I motion to my wife, she finishes her wine, and we go zooming back to our house. When we are, literally, only five minutes from home things begin to go wrong.
I am suddenly certain that unless I pull this goddamn car over IMMEDIATELY, the romance in this marriage will be dead forever and I will have shit in my pants. I pull over, hit the signal lights, swallow my pride, and dive into the knee-high bushes. I realize too late that I'm right next to an embankment, so I can't go more than a foot from the road, but it's too late. Pants are dropped and bombs are queued: this is happening no matter what I want.
I proceed to unleash a torrent of fury so unholy that words will never do it justice. I look up and see someone walking down the opposite side of the road staring at me open mouthed. Before I can do anything about this, I see a taxi pull up behind my car, illuminating me for all to see. As I frantically go to pull my pants up, a cop car swerves to a stop as well, his flashers blaring. I waddle frantically over to the cop, and things only get worse.
You know how some cops are cool, and some cops are complete dicks? This guy was an entire sack of dicks. He sidles out of his car, hikes his pants up, looks me in the eye, and asks me if I think I committed a felony. I'm blindsided already, and before I can answer he demands my license. I explain the situation to him and tell him that I would never have put myself through this if I could have helped it, but he stays in Robocop mode and never so much as smiles, much less sympathises. He threatens to arrest me because "pulling over is a misdemeanor in North Carolina," and after making me squirm in my own awful shitty pants, finally tells me "go home." He then follows me the rest of the way home and watches me go into my house before driving away.
TLDR; Ate pizza rolls and wine, put on a no-pants scat show for four people on the side of the road, and almost got arrested with my pants full of shit.
EDIT: ants, pants, what's the difference at this point?
whenifeellikeit: How do so many people on Reddit have so many close encounters with shitting their pants lately?
suymaster: Everyone has to poop eventually. So you could assume at least 6 billion shits every 48 hours. At least. Someone has to fuck it up
Edit: 7 billions people pooping. Lotta shit
[deleted]: At an average of 2 logs per shit in 48 hours, that's 14 billion logs in the world every 2 days and 2.6 trillion logs per year. The average weight of one log is .7 lbs, so you're at 910 million tons of shit in a year by humans alone.
Xenophorm: .7 what? Include yo units son.
hybridtheorist: Courics
pntless: An average log is 0.7 Katie Courics? I knew she was full of shit but damn.
querulant: I can't stop laughing.
| 8 | 33.125 | |
1340779371 | 1340802057 | t3_voa75 | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: accidentally group texted my friends and boss in the same text. Friends replied with obscenities and asking when we were going to blaze it.
neanderthalman: I have never had group messaging replies come back as "reply all".
This an android thing?
hgeyer99: I have a droid bionic and I get "Reply all" all the times.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1340790346 | 1340810100 | t3_vofga | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU I tried to brush my teeth while the water in my condo was shut off for maintenance and it escalated quickly...
So while I'm brushing, I spilled mostly raw meat and eggs (from garbage can) onto the floor and slipped cleaning it up. I tried to mop up the mess with my dirty shirt and shorts to no avail. In short, I ended up sneaking into my neighbor's condo in my underwear with my toothbrush in my mouth to find a mop, towel, or something. Frankly, I'm not sure what I was looking for because in the kitchen, he appeared with a bat and chased me from the condo. It's going to be an awkward morning when I ask for my toothbrush back.
EDIT: Hope this clears things up. I was in the kitchen brushing my teeth because I thought there were paper towels to spit and wipe into. There weren't any paper towels or rags or anything, all dirty and used up from the dinner party earlier in the day. I pulled out the garbage can to spit into. The can tipped over, pouring the leftover raw meat and eggs from the party onto the floor. Since I couldn't find the mop, I went to the neighbors condo to see if he had something of use. The door was unlocked, thought maybe I'd leave a note or something if the cleaning stuff was right next to the door, and you know the rest. Honestly, I should have knocked. That's where I fucked up.
name_with_a_y: So many questions. If you were in the bathroom, why did you have raw meat and eggs in the garbage can? If you were in the kitchen, why were you brushing your teeth in the kitchen? Why was there raw meat and eggs in the garbage? Why don't you own a mop or a towel?
[deleted]: Some people prefer to multitask. Really, do you enjoy standing there, focusing on the fact that you're staring in a mirror, watching yourself brush your teeth? You've got shit to do, get out of the bathroom and do something.
name_with_a_y: I usually just think when I brush my teeth.
| 4 | 5 | |
1340817997 | 1340971018 | t3_vozuk | t5_2to41 | 257 | ClogIsMyMiddleName: TIFU by releasing an anaconda from my colon
Well, it was around midnight. I was just sitting alone in my living room, on my laptop, minding my own business, just killing time. I suddenly felt that unmistakable urge to relieve some of the pressure on my bowels caused my the massive brown log trapped up in there. So I set my laptop on the coffee table, sprint up the stairs, and go into the bathroom. I let out the most satisfyingly enormous shit of my teenage life. That glorious feeling of letting out a turd comparable in weight to a golden retriever rushed over me, and I proceeded to flush. It goes down....reluctantly. And I wait, then flush again. Oh fuck. Oh fuck. It's blocked. Clogged. Stuck. It didn't overflow, thankfully, but it's undoubtedly fucked up. So I, unsure of what to do, sat there, and did what I had to do, and when I got out of our tiny bathroom it was around 12:45. I'm fucked. I live in a one-bathroom house with just me & my parents, and after and hour of plunging last night its condition hasn't changed. That shit just won't budge. I hope we have some good buckets in the basement...
Outlet7: I imagined you literally shitting out an anaconda. But your situation sucks too.
fortnight14: Me too. Reddit has made me have to accept that there is some possibility of most things happening, especially if they are disturbing.
pntless: I've long since accepted this, reddit has just made me get sad whenever there's no pictures of these events.
[deleted]: Also, the presence of people who actually *want* to see people do these things has opened my eyes. Thank you /r/spacedicks
Graham1020: WHY THE FUCK DID I CLICK ON THAT
theflying6969: you've been a redditor for 3 months and never seen spacedicks?
Outlet7: My friend showed me /r/spacedicks before I even had an idea of what reddit was. Didn't even have a chance to mentally prepare.
Graham1020: I knew it'd be bad, i didnt know the first thing i saw was gonna be a chopped off dick with a fucking rainbow coming out of it
[deleted]: I went there once. Once was enough.
| 10 | 25.7 | |
1340819105 | 1340932345 | t3_vp120 | t5_2to41 | 149 | [deleted]: TIFU: My boyfriend's mother saw me naked.
After sexytimes I wanted to grab a glass of water for us. I didn't know she was home so I just opened the door in my naked blazing glory and she had just happened to wake up and was going downstairs at the same time. I stood there for a few seconds, pretty sure said, "Oh shit!" and just ran away :( She probably heard us too. Fuck!
Michi_THE_Awesome: There was this one time that my then BF/now DH, and I skipped school and went to his house to get it on. Well his mom was at work and his grandma was supposed to be at church. Well we were doing it everywhere and loudly. She came out of her bedroom and asked what we were doing and why we weren't at school . We said it was a half day and he said tickling. She bought it, but if she had bothered to come to where we were... well suffice to say we would've been caught. We were both naked from the waist down and I only had a flimsy top on, no bra. I still can't believe we got away with it.
LeChatBotte: She knew.
Michi_THE_Awesome: Perhaps. But the woman hadn't gotten laid in nearly 25 years. She may have forgotten.
MaxiPadz: So you were 25, and you were skippin school?
Michi_THE_Awesome: No, this was years ago when I was in HS.
MaxiPadz: Ah, easy mistake. My bad
| 7 | 21.285714 | |
1340796869 | 1340840720 | t3_voi9x | t5_2to41 | 4 | Atoris23: TIFU I showed a golf ball up may ass and I can't get it out.
I was feeling extra kinky today so while I was fapping I inserted a golf ball up my ass. After I was done I could not get it out. What should I do? Will laxitives get it out? (I'm way to embarrassed to visit a doctor because my mom works there)
TheChineseHipster: Try laxitives, tell me how it goes. We'll go from there, I'll help you through this.
Atoris23: Thanks a lot man, but fortunately I was able to get it out after a while.
TheChineseHipster: This is between you, and the internet. No one else. It's our little secret.
| 4 | 1 | |
1340836894 | 1340867923 | t3_vpk0e | t5_2to41 | 179 | msager12: My sister saw me fucking my girlfriend on the family couch.
YoursTruly123: You couldn't have said you were making love. You had to say you were "fucking" her...
msager12: She agrees this was some loud hardcore banging that's why I laughed
tellingghosts83: She your girlfriend, or she your sister?
My_Cool_Name: *BOTH*
tellingghosts83: Wow. Then I don't think it really was a fuck up
LuckWillows: It was if she wasn't supposed to know he was fucking her...
| 7 | 25.571429 | |
1340843933 | 1340933068 | t3_vpqs0 | t5_2to41 | 71 | Justsomerandomgirl: TIFU while browsing /r/atheism in public
My therapist took me and all of the other people in my therapy group to play basketball so I sat on the side browsing reddit the whole time. I was showing my therapist some of the posts on reddit. I came across a post about Islam and I saw a picture of a nine year old boy with his head chopped off and I said "Damn...fucking Muslims, man." This one Muslim kid looks over at me and shakes his head in a "not cool, man" fashion. I really couldn't even defend myself. I said "I didn't mean Muslims like you, I meant ones that cut the heads off little kids." It didn't matter. Damn...I'm stupid.
MercilessBlueShell: The r/Atheism subreddit has descended into pure circlejerk. Do you really find it that enjoyable to read?
[deleted]: if you look under the rubble, there are some people on there who aren't completely retarded
Legion299: Yeah man... but chances are thin. /t/trueatheism is where it's at
[deleted]: a real atheist doesn't discuss atheism, so your logic is flawed
Legion299: hmm... never thought of it like that before
| 6 | 11.833333 | |
1340853300 | 1341113197 | t3_vpzv0 | t5_2to41 | 65 | Rauldisco: TIFU by giving away free xbox live for a year.
TIFU. It all began when I was playing some Halo on the Xbox 360 when I got a message to all friends and recent players form a guy in my friends list. He said in the voice message that his Xbox live membership had run out completely and he was wondering if anybody had any membership codes to spare for him.
I remembered I had gotten a three day code that I really never would have needed for myself, since I have more than one Gold Membership cards that lasted me over a year of Xbox live.
This is where I messed up. When I went into my room to go grab the code card for him, instead of taking the three day membership code card I took the one year membershipcard that costs 50$.
I pulled of the tab that covered the long code that you had to enter to redeem the xbox live, and I typed it into a message that was to be sent to him. I sent him the code without thinking twice and I threw the card over on the floor, than continued to game.
A few hours later when it was time to go up to bed, I found the card on the ground and was getting ready to throw it away when I started reading the text on it.
I frantically messaged him back as quick as possible but the damage had already been done and he had entered the code
That is how I lost 50 dollars worth of online gaming to a friend.
Halo_4: Wow. Imagine how happy he must have been.
TACOfarmerXD: He was a bitch to ask people to buy him live
Tyler_V: I'm sure most people do not mind giving free trials away to friends, you cannot even use them unless you have completely run out.
| 4 | 16.25 | |
1340859500 | 1340991363 | t3_vq5iz | t5_2to41 | 311 | TheSoundofStars: (T)IFU by running a chipmunk over with my lawnmower, trying to bury it, and end up getting bit.
The (T) is there because this happened a couple years ago. I was mowing the front yard (we have a lot of land, almost 3 acres total), and I was maneuvering around some baby evergreens, when suddenly a little chipmunk darts out from a hole beneath one of the trees. And unfortunately, doesn't make it pass the mowers blades. But instead of getting chopped up, the chipmunk gets sucked in, and goes flying out the back with the rest of the grass and leaves and shit.
I rolled on over to where I saw it land, and got off to inspect it. It wasn't moving. I love animals, so this was heartbreaking for me. I got a plastic Target bag, picked up the poor little guy, and carried him to the cornfield next to our house. I dug a hole for him (or her), and just as I was laying him to rest, he suddenly wakes from the dead, bites my finger, and runs into the corn stalks, never to be seen again. Fucking asshole.
TL;DR: Hit chipmunk with mower, tried to bury it, turned out he was alive and was an asshole.
saseum: You have been bitten by a radioactive chipmunk. You know what to do.
KaylaAnne: Your only super power? Fitting a ridiculous amount of food in your mouth at once...
[deleted]: I think I might be a chipmunk...
LuxNocte: Does your ability work with anything besides food?
Godolin: What he/she means is: How many dicks?
rocketman0739: [too many](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Wl_uQOABxg)
dirtydave71: Well that's certainly not a gay club .. you can never have too many dicks on those dance floors :)
| 8 | 38.875 | |
1340864679 | 1340880731 | t3_vq9ho | t5_2to41 | 60 | nixygirl: TIFU: Literally threw up on myself/keyboard after reading a comment about dog poo in r/bestof
[Here is the comment.](http://www.reddit.com/r/offbeat/comments/vorr3/this_guy_needs_a_snowblower_it_does_not_need_to/c56e1hu)
It's not even that bad, but my BF started talking about dog's eating poo and how a kitty litter isn't safe. I asked him to stop because I have a weak stomach...but Nooooooo. Then I blew chunks :(
In the positive after clearing the mess I now have a clean keyboard/desk/clothes/body.
Still...vomit, no positive here.
meatywood: Dogs love eating cat poop. I call it Kitty Roca. I looks just like Almond Roca but comes from a cat's butt.
nixygirl: lol...you going for round 2??
meatywood: Sorry about that. I hope I didn't spoil Almond Roca for you. lol
nixygirl: hehehe nahh it's ok :)
| 5 | 12 | |
1340908403 | 1341072591 | t3_vr4rb | t5_2to41 | 3 | sadi89: TIFU I had spelling errors on my resume
I just got out of college and am looking for work. Today while applying for a job I saw I had wrote that I "Greeted costumers" instead of "Greeted customers".
I am dyslexic so I tend to be really careful about getting others to proof read my stuff, but no one picked up on this one. I'm sure places I've applied to noticed though.
In all fairness, I frequently work in the theatre so costumers is a word I use often.
It just super sucks realizing that I'm not going to get a call back from a company that I am really interested in, because I fucked up.
GODDAMN_FARM_SHAMAN: Employers generally only spend about 5 seconds looking at your resume so a doubt most of them would notice. And even if they did it's a small mistake. I doubt they'd care.
A fuck up would be if you put the wrong phone number.
[deleted]: I'm a hiring manager at a bookstore, and when I'm deciding between two equal candidates, I DO look at things like spelling on the resume. The thinking is that if they aren't taking the time to make sure something that important is correct, they won't be taking the time to deal with paperwork correctly. *shrug*
Having said that, I wouldn't have blinked an eye at "greeted costumers", but then, I've got a theatre background as well.
| 3 | 1 | |
1340910081 | 1340979943 | t3_vr6km | t5_2to41 | 301 | koremanmusic: TIFU: I went to a networking event and ate raw oysters.
I attended a networking event with a local Japanese cultural group and made various good contacts. The smorgasboard had all sorts of great food including raw oysters-one of my favorites. However, these may not have been fresh enough as within moments of consuming them I had an enormous gurgling and unsettling feeling spread through my stomach to my bowels. In the middle of a conversation with a high-ranking person in a different company, my stomach made a huge growling sound. I reacted physically in front of this person and cut off the conversation to proceed to the bathrooms. The bathrooms had a line, and I thought I could stifle a fart for relief until the line subsided. That did not succeed, however, and I ended up sharting slightly; it was enough for everyone in line to notice. Humiliation creeping in, I walked very fast (slow enough to inhibit a full evacuation) back to my wife. I had to interrupt her conversation with someone who organized the event so that we could go home. While rushing over the speed limit on the way back I suffered through the cramping with my only solace being that I would eventually get rid of this stuff in my colon. As I pulled up to our house, the pains increased exponentially. I then remembered that I had stairs and immediately went into colon panic mode. Rushing up the stairs, I considered myself home free until I realized I was wearing a belt. As I approached the toilet I fumbled with my belt and zipper and yanked my pants down whilst proceeding to squat. My bowels evacuated prematurely, though and poo (the runny type) gushed everywhere: all over my trousers, my hands, the floor, and the toilet seat with none of it getting in the toilet. I had no idea what to do as my hands were equally soiled so I just stood there helplessly while my wife came in. Fortunately, she decided to be nice and help me with the cleanup. I guess that is a sign that she loves me, regardless of how undignified I occasionally become.
jyhwei5070: so many shitty stories recently...
nashgasm: damnit. upboat for you. to op:
at least you are already married, so you dont have to worry about this event damaging your prospects in that area. networking is networking and word gets around.
[deleted]: upvote for upboat.
nashgasm: tit for tat
[deleted]: heh, tit.
nashgasm: quis per quod
| 7 | 43 | |
1340980123 | 1341075913 | t3_vqy8f | t5_2to41 | 23 | dabisnit: I fucked up. Bad.
alsorobots: You just made a few mistakes. It's no big deal. Flowers die, but they're not pets, just decoration. Everyone screws up a job here and there. EVERYONE. Don't beat yourself up.
dabisnit: He's a family friend. The worst thing he can do is not pay me
Chainmail_Danno: If he's a family friend, he probably will still offer to pay you, but only to be polite. Own up to everything right away and decline payment at first. If he still insists, you can take the money because it would be rude not to. But it sounds like he left you the house without giving too much info so it's not all your fault.
dabisnit: I was at work when the money was exchanged at his house (my parents were there eating dinner), so I did not have a chance to decline the offer. However, I wish I had more than one upvote for your comment. I will keep that in mind as good advice when I mess up again.
Chainmail_Danno: If you haven't yet, make sure you thank him either in person or on the phone. Let him know that you're still available for work if he's willing to hire you again. But in the long run, taking full blame early is the best way to go. Unless something went horribly, horribly wrong, he'll likely look past this.
dabisnit: Yes, I told him as soon as the pool turned green what happened. He said not to worry about it.
Chainmail_Danno: That's a good sign. Pools can cost a *lot* to repair. Offer to help him clean it if it needs to be. Good luck.
Also, nice update.
dabisnit: I hate pools. They are money black holes (like boats). I love that song
| 9 | 2.555556 | |
1340931742 | 1341246313 | t3_vrsbb | t5_2to41 | 50 | nulnillnot: TIFU Got bit by a raccoon, now I have to have rabies shots for the next month
Saw a raccoon lying on the side of a busy freeway. Being the stupid helper I am, I thought if it was still alive I could take it to the local wildlife rehab. It ended up getting some life back into it after being seemingly almost dead and bit my finger then ran away. Fuck, raccoons are one of the two known rabies carriers in this state...
I had 7 shots today in the emergency room (my regular doctor apparently doesn't do rabies treatments so I had to go there). One shot in each arm, one in each butt cheek, one in the leg, and two in the bite wound itself. I have to go back 4 more times over the next month for more shots.
One of the nurses in the ER jokingly said while I was simultaneously getting a shot in each butt cheek, "I bet you didn't think this is how your day was going to turn out when you woke up this morning." Nope. TIFU.
cheml0vin: I had to get rabies shots too! I was ten and it fucking sucked. Is the serum still hot pink? They thought I would like it more since I was a little girl...I hate pink :(
nulnillnot: Ok, so all the shots I had in the emergency room were clear. I just went for the next shot in the treatment at the pharmacy and that one was hot pink. I wonder why it's that crazy of a color?
cheml0vin: The stuff they give you at the hospital is immunoglobulin to stop the initial infection. I'm about 95% sure that's why. The subsequent shots were all hot pink for me. I have no idea why that is necessary, but it's totally bizarre.
| 4 | 12.5 | |
1340937066 | 1342068492 | t3_vrxay | t5_2to41 | 13 | InMSWeAntitrust: TIFU: Nearly hit a lady in the eye with a straw
wrapper and almost got into a fight
So I went to dinner and after ordering and getting our drinks, I unwrapped an inch of my straw and shot the straw wrapper at my friend. The wrapper went wide, and arced right by a lady's face, then went past her and up onto the partition between the rows of tables (they were behind us in the same row). The husband got really pissed and was like "Did you just shoot a straw at my wife?!". I immediately stopped smiling and started apologizing, then once I got my food I scarfed it down and left as soon as possible.
Exeyv3: Yeah. so some dumb monkey. aka you!
shoots paper at some guys wife's eye ball
out of no where.and then another monkey aka the
husband becomes angry because you almost hurt his wife
eye sight. you deserved to get put in your place for being a dumb
ass.
[deleted]: It's not like he did it on purpose.
rya11111: Looks like you have been shadow banned.
I have approved your comment. it means no one can see what your comments or posts in this sub. it can be seen only if one of the mods for example me approve it ...
if you are not a spammer or a troll, send a message to this to get it rectified
http://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Freddit.com
if it doesn't work try messaging them independently ...
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1340942400 | 1340944046 | t3_vs274 | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: TIFU: Had sex with a girl I met off the street without a condom.
:(
Ow_you_shot_me: DM:HS
Also, go to a STD clinic, or whatever the hell they're called. Get a check up.
pat52210: Plan on it. ASAP.
| 3 | 8 | |
1340942863 | 1340951488 | t3_vs2md | t5_2to41 | 27 | Rawlz: TIFU: Sent a mocking text about a coworker to our office's group chat
So, I was trying to message a fellow coworker about something our resident weirdo at work said to me. Maybe you guys can help me calm down or help me realize how much trouble I might be in. Here's the text I accidentally sent to everyone:
"Mark quote of the day: 'What would you do if the person you considered a mentor told you to stop emailing him because you were creeping him out?'"
The moment I sent that, people from the group started frantically texting me to let me know what I did. I, in a panic, tried to lessen the blow of my stupidity by sending this to the group:
"...which made me realize how we've all had a situation like that and how we should all forge our own path! Also, Mark didn't actually say that, I was just making a point. Sorry, Mark!"
I think my panic text almost made things worse. So how bad have I screwed up and how dead am I?
McBullseye: Honestly, this doesn't look all that bad to me. This happens to everyone at some point or another. Just apologize (in person) to Mark and move on.
MiniMoog: It really doesn't look too bad. I once accidentally sent an IM to my boss talking shit about my boss. It was intended for a new hire that asked my opinion.
Wait just a second, I said.
I'll IM you, I said.
| 3 | 9 | |
1340982043 | 1340997019 | t3_vspm7 | t5_2to41 | 28 | TIFUThrowaway: TIFU: I served bad raw oysters at a networking event, and made many people sick.
I am a chef, and I was hired to make raw oysters among other foods to serve at a networking event. I heard the story about the person that got sick, and I just wanted to say sorry. After the event, and, as I saw, multiple people getting sick, the person who hired me came over to talk to me, and actually took $50 out of my payment. That is what happened.
aoirghe: Yeah, this is bullshit. I don't believe for a second you're the chef.
StormySan: Incredibly ambiguous wording, short and inelaborate thread replies, throwaway account.
Yup. Fake as fuck.
EDIT: And now a message in my inbox titled "You need to shut the fuck up":
> I DONT CARE IF IT IS FAKE FUCK YOU. STOP TELLING PEOPLE SHIT! I WANT KARMA JUST LEAVE ME A LONE! STOP! DELETE YOUR ACCOUNT AND YOUR COMMENTS.
TIFUThrowaway: Proof?
StormySan: [Whatever. No doubt you'll try explaining it's shopped, etc...](http://imgur.com/Hsg13)
Dude, you have all the subtlety of a nun running down the street naked with a broom stuck up her arse. Get over yourself.
[deleted]: ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, firefox.
StormySan: http://i.imgur.com/Jfamk.jpg
[deleted]: touché.
| 8 | 3.5 | |
1340983121 | 1340989406 | t3_vsqkc | t5_2to41 | 7 | PaddyIreland: TIFU: I made a little girl cry her eyes out
I was working as a volunteer at a local Vacation Bible School and the theme was pirates and on said day of fucking up, we were having an obstacle course for the kids in which we shot them with squirt guns. Before the fuck up, the little girl had walked through the obstacle course because she was TERRIFIED of water. Minutes later, while aiming at another child, the stream of my high powered water squirt gun veered to the right and hit her right in the face. She balled for a good five minutes. TIFU
Dongface: Terrified of water...?
Boomhauer14: Perhaps her last name was Voorhees?
PaddyIreland: Apparently she swims alot normally but I think this just caught her by complete surprise and scared the hell out of her.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1341004242 | 1341048755 | t3_vtbav | t5_2to41 | 257 | lewillman: TIFU--When introducing my boss at a big meeting.
My boss isn't the most likeable person, and because of her last name sounding like A-hole, she has gained that as an office nickname. Today we had a meeting with the big bosses, investors, and clients. I was given the honor of introducing my boss, and I stood up and said I was proud to introduce "Mary A-hole."
I don't think I've ever been more embarrassed in my life! I don't think I'll be promoted anytime soon!
carlos182: So what is her name...?
TwoChe: Mary Ajole
calafragilistic: How is that phoenetically different?
[deleted]: Comes out sounding like Ah-hole rather than ay-hole
calafragilistic: Huh... Ok.
I'm half mexican, I should probably know this shit :/
[deleted]: So am I, so you definitely should :p Just messin bud.
calafragilistic: Just saw your username. Awesome.
[deleted]: I dont get it... I came up with the username on a whim, I am in fact half mexican.
calafragilistic: It's not related to your race, I just like it.
| 10 | 25.7 | |
1341022927 | 1341080729 | t3_vtqtw | t5_2to41 | 406 | BrownGirlLover: TIFU- I don't know what one of my student's gender is.
I called this kid- with completely androgynous looks and name- "ma'am" when he/she raised his/her hand in class. The student ran out of the room crying, while all the other kids were laughing their fucking heads off. I guess this kid is male judging from the reaction, but I'm still not sure.
ColoredPencil: Step 1 -- pull them aside and APOLOGIZE
The best idea when you're not sure to call the student is to pull the student aside and ask them privately on they would like to be called.
If you're not sure/not ready to do that, just call them by their preferred name instead of dropping down to "sir/ma'am" if you can.
[How to Respect A Trans*Person](http://www.wikihow.com/Respect-a-Transgender-Person)
BrownGirlLover: Actually, I did say something after class to the student. It just made teaching for the rest of the day mega awkward, I'll never make that mistake again. Still have no idea about this kid's gender identity. Excellent student though, I must say.
[deleted]: Most trans* people I have met are okay with you asking what pronouns they prefer, at least when they are andronogous.
I guess this applies to cis* people as well, but I'm not as sure on that.
ihateirony: It's possible, and likely based on the fact that everyone was laughing, that this person was not trans.
[deleted]: Hence the part about cis* people :-)
I am not cis myself so I cannot speak for them, maybe you can?
ihateirony: Hm, sorry, I should have addressed that. Well, I'm only one person anyway, so I can only speak from my experience of others when making generalisations and, in my experience, cis people usually do get insulted if you ask such a question, even when they're androgynous. This varies a little if this androgyny is the result of a choice on the individual (such as having long hair in spite of being a cis man) but if the person looks androgynous naturally then a lot of them do get insulted.
Then again, this rarely comes up with cis people, so my experience may just be outliers.
only_one_contact: TIL the prefixes "cis" and "trans" are actually used in a way that does not refer to molecular structure.
ihateirony: Since 1994 (well, cisgender anyway. No idea how long transgender has been a word). ;)
| 9 | 45.111111 | |
1341023368 | 1341024157 | t3_vtr7d | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU: Uploaded a torrent for a couple friends, now more people have it. [Possible NSFW]
Some friends and I were having a conversation about porn. Eventually they asked for my collection. So we tried file sharing sites, Mediafire, 4shared... etc. So I turned to ThePirateBay. I could easily make a torrent, send it to them, and them delete it, right?
Wrong. I submitted it, they downloaded it, but other people got a hold of it. People I don't even know are currently downloading a bunch of porn I had intended for only 2 people to see. I cannot delete the torrent, I cannot even delete my account. Yay!
It's currently up to 10 seeders. (And none of us are one of them.)
Why does the world love porn?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
**TL;DR** : Uploaded a porn torrent for friends, others got it, can't delete it.
Geo1234: anything good?
[deleted]: Depends on your definition?
Coridimus: Show us and we will know it when we see it.
| 4 | 1 | |
1341035309 | 1341072156 | t3_vtyby | t5_2to41 | 40 | spiceXisXnice: TIFU: Actually, last night. I was the drunk, throwing-up girl at the party.
Full story:
I got together with a group of friends last night for dinner and drinks. It was a wonderful night, with much drunken revelry, until around midnight. We all got drunk fairly early, so when I threw up, everyone was drunk. When it happened, a second friend tossed me in the shower and my brother helped clean up the mess. I didn't leave immediately, which I should have; instead, I sat back down to get my head to quit spinning and threw up a second time. A sober friend then proceeded to take me home.
My brother came back home today and told me no one was mad and no one thought any less of me, but I'm still mortified. I'd like to, one, make it up to the friend whose floor I threw up on, and two, thank the friend who took me home. But I've never been in this situation before. Is there some kind of protocol? Or do I just let him have the rest of my liquor and leave it at that?
name_with_a_y: Bake them a "Sorry I threw up everywhere" cake?
spiceXisXnice: I'm actually a culinary arts major; this is a pretty good idea.
name_with_a_y: Do it and then post pictures. :D
| 4 | 10 | |
1341068204 | 1341160492 | t3_vuche | t5_2to41 | 115 | justgesing: TIFU by pulling my girlfriend's nose piercing out during sex.
This was actually last night.. And the night had a few mo bumps than just that. I was out of condoms at that point, so on our way home went to pick up some more. Stupid me decided to try out a new kind (Trojan). So we get home, start getting into it, and the time comes, so I whip out a condom, fiddle with it, and what the fuck do you know, it's too small. So desperately, I take another, and same deal (bug surprise, eh?). I take a third one, and this one seems to go on better, and we decide to roll with it. So she gets on top, and we're going at it, and then it happens. By some sorcery, my nose gets caught on her nose piercing, and pretty much pulls it right out. So now I have a naked girl in tears, still on top of me (I'm still inside her at this point). I pull out, fix her no ring, and end up consoling a girl in tears. Oops.
TL;DR: Bought condoms that were too small, then pulled her nose piercing out mid-sex.
Malne: You can fit a condom over your head, I guarantee it wasn't too small. Maybe you're used to a looser fit, but there's no reason you couldn't get your dick in one. Also, that sucks.
Rainbow_Gamer: That's the most bullshit thing I've ever heard.
Yes, you CAN fit a condom over your head or arm. It's also inCREDibly tight when you do that. I know, I've done it. Do you think a guy wants to have the circulation to his dick cut off? Just because you can MAKE it fit, doesn't mean it ACTUALLY fits.
Malne: If you're going to call bullshit on my example, I'm going to have to call bullshit on your comparison. There are very few people in the world with a dick as thick as your wrist, let alone your head. The minimal amount of stretching that would go on to fit an above-average penis's circumference would not cut off circulation in any feasible scenario. And as OP clarified, it was too short, rather than too thin so it's a moot point anyways.
Rainbow_Gamer: I don't know if you have ridiculously thick wrists or if mine are just a little small, but I -have- seen a few cocks that were as big, or bigger than, my wrists. Not too many, but a few. So it can't be -that- uncommon. And okay, maybe it doesn't feel tight on our wrists, but a dick is a lot more sensitive than a wrist. So, I still can kinda see how the condom being too tight might be a legitimate complaint for some.
And yes, I guess it is now...
ElmoTheRapist: >I -have- seen a few cocks that were as big, or bigger than, my wrists. Not too many, but a few.
ಠ_ಠ
Rainbow_Gamer: Seen, not personally encountered or had inside of me.
I_Am_A_Cunt777: >Seen, not personally encountered or had inside of me.
Well if those are pornstars, nearly all of them aren't natural. Most of the time it's clever camera work or digital enhancement. I'll admit there may be the odd natural one but the vast majority of the time it isn't natural.
Rainbow_Gamer: Not pornstars, just guys. You wouldn't believe how eager some guys are to flash you their junk. It's weird.
I_Am_A_Cunt777: I'm a guy and i wouldn't randomly flash my junk to anyone. Either you live in an odd area or guys are much more fucked up than in Toronto.
Rainbow_Gamer: Not in person, but I don't doubt the guys around here are worse. People in general, really. Ahhh, the American south.
| 11 | 10.454545 | |
1341039119 | 1341088275 | t3_vu0fj | t5_2to41 | 23 | parasiticfiend: TIFU: I did a bad after handling and eating home made jalapeno poppers...
So I was getting intimate with my SO many hours after having some delicious (but spicy) home made jalapeno poppers... Yeah... I guess I should probably have washed my hands somewhere between then and this particular time. ): Needless to say, she's pretty uncomfortable right now.
trouphaz: That's hot. You should ask her to jerk you off using your favorite hot sauce as lube.
msm008: ಠ\_ಠ
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1341071700 | 1341168872 | t3_vuemx | t5_2to41 | 34 | theminimosher: TIFU by getting paraletic and defecating on a friends floor.
Now this was two months or so ago but it only just dawned on me to post this here, hopefully the comments will make me feel better about the whole ordeal ;D
So during the day, me and a few friends had a history revision class during the holidays, and the plan was to sleep at friend A's house so we could drink a bit, play Xbox etc etc
I started the night on Fosters, we had 20 to share between the 4 of us that turned up in the end. After my 4th I was feeling happy as could be, and during this time we went for a walk around friend A's area. Happy times. When we got back, I had my last can of Fosters, then friend C pulled out a bottle of Captain Morgan's dark rum, at the same time friend A pulled out a bottle of bourbon whiskey. We started with the whiskey on ice, then friend B started taking shots of it, I, following. Friend C then started to do the same with his rum, me not thinking also poured out about 3 measures worth of the rum and took it like shots. This is where the story starts to get grotesque. And I'm basing this off what my friends and friend A's parents told me.
After twenty minutes, I crawled to the bathroom and starting throwing up into the sink. Friend B came in and helped me up onto the toilet, pulling my trousers down in the process after declaring I needed to poop. Now, the toilet was on the wall close and adjacent to the sink so when I tried to throw up at the same time as releasing my bowels, due to leaning into the sink... Well you can guess the rest.
My dad ended up picking me up at 3am and my friend carried me over his shoulder with my trousers round my ankles (as much as I deserve that, they said I wouldn't let them) to the car.
My dad ended up sleeping on the end of the sofa, me throwing up into the night.
Not the next day (as you can imagine) but the day after, I went to my friends and apologised to his mum, who was both understanding and apologetic herself.
tl;dr: Got incredibly drunk at a friends, and ended up shitting on his bathroom floor.
CharlieTango: Handle your liquor..
Everyone knows if youre beer drunk you dont start with rounds of shots... Especially if youre mixing lol
theminimosher: Wasn't my first time drinking whiskey and beer together however it was my first time drinking rum. I definitely learned that one more than anything, don't worry :')
CharlieTango: Dont worry, next time you'll think twice because you know what happens.
Beer before liquor - never sicker
Liquor before beer - in the clear
ScrwUGuysImGoinHome: Not true, at least for me.
Although I do get more drunk and quicker if I switch to liquor or mix liquors.
Puking has no correlation for me on what I drank first, and I've heard this from many of my buddies from back in college
CharlieTango: it makes you more sick because beer helps any alcohol in your stomach to reach the blood stream quicker through carbonation.
| 6 | 5.666667 | |
1341087403 | 1341167226 | t3_vuqjn | t5_2to41 | 21 | ryanlynds: TIFU - let the dog and cat escape.
First day feeding a friend's animals, both escape. Drove around the neighbourhood 3 times already. I was supposed to be here for 20 minutes, tops, now it's been 2.5 hours and no progress.
CBod: Ouch that's pretty harsh. Hope the dog gets back too.
ryanlynds: after 7 hours and some help, we managed to get her to jump back into her pen, only to have her immediately jump out as the door swung close. another 20 minutes and we got her in safe and sound. what a day.
| 3 | 7 | |
1341094905 | 1341126511 | t3_vuwg5 | t5_2to41 | 476 | hilerfleshlight: TIFU by walking outside topless
My husband is a Marine, currently deployed to Afghanistan, and we live on base (very close neighbors on each side). I'm getting pretty used to living like a foul bachelor, usually not putting pants on until around noonish. Or wearing pants and not putting a shirt on until around the same time. That the instance today. This morning my dog wanted to go out, and without thinking, I stepped outside (very large dog, door opens outwards). Neighbor was outside, getting ready to go to work. Dear. God. On the upside, husband thought it was hysterical.
EDIT: For those questioning and commenting, I'm 29 and wouldn't scare any small children.
2nd EDIT: The "Pics or it Didn't Happen" has been done...and done...and done again..and done once more. There is a pic...OF MY FACE...in the comments.
stormtide311: oh my apartment days, I use to walk around with my wiener out all the time. I would always forget my sliding glass door blinds were open. My neighbor would always get a show and thankfully she was cool about it.
[deleted]: Your neighbor wanted your dilly
Styrak: bar
[deleted]: i used to work at dairy queen. Fuck that place
drredmann: Tifu and applied at a Dairy Queen
[deleted]: I never even applied. I was in there on a friday summer night and it was insanely busy and they were short a few people. Manager comes over "hey aren't you justin's brother?" "yeah.." "want a job?" "ok" I was 14. Money sounded good. Then underwent 2 years of criminal activity and sexual abuse until I was finally fired for reporting them to the attorney general (which is also illegal, but by then I was ready to quit)
drredmann: Sexual abuse??
[deleted]: One of the managers thought he could do whatever the fuck he wanted. He constantly asked girls about sex..if they shaved their pussy or not..like wtf this guy is like 40 and married. One time there was a picture of me and my gf at this charity event in the newspaper and I was like "hey look thats me and my gf" and he says "Nice, have you fucked her yet?"
drredmann: Dude that guy is fucked up
Did you report him?
Also sorry for that kind of abuse
[deleted]: We got them for many things like stealing our tips (to buy weed and alcohol, with which he would smoke and drink on the job), taking money out of our paychecks to pay for food and register shortages, umm there were TONS of minors employed with no work permits, minors working until 11pm on school nights. They got fined up the ass by the state, but we never got him for the sexual harrassment because someone already did before and it just wasn't worth it we were sick of their shit. So I eventually got fired for "changing the schedule" (I had my sister cover for me one night but it was last-minute so I didn't ask management. At least I didn't just skip) and my sister got fired for "going to the bathroom too much". The best part about it? He was so much of a pussy that he couldn't do it in person. He fucking called my sister and left HER a voicemail to tell her that she and I were both fired.
drredmann: Wow fuck that guy....
| 12 | 39.666667 | |
1341119347 | 1341157838 | t3_vv9sr | t5_2to41 | 8 | Gunski: TIFU: I didn't kill a spider fast enough. It's in my room somewhere.
TheFoxGoesMoo: Hairspray. Keep it at the ready.
Gunski: What does that do exactly?
TheFoxGoesMoo: When you see it again, you can spray it to death. Pretty effective actually. I'm terrified of the little buggers so I spray them to death from afar.
Gunski: Do you think [insect repellent](http://i.imgur.com/K90pS.jpg) spray will work?
TheFoxGoesMoo: Any kind of spray will. Hairspray, spray-able rubbing alchohol, etc
| 6 | 1.333333 | |
1341156188 | 1341256547 | t3_vveba | t5_2to41 | 27 | The_One_Who_Crafts: IM WITH YOU BUDDY DON'T WORRY IF WE'RE GONNA DIE WE DIE TOGETHER
*sobs*
Renardthefox: I'LL MISS YOU AND YOUR MOMS COOKING SKILLS DAMN THOSE MONSTERS
The_One_Who_Crafts: *sob* I ALWAYS SECRETLY LIKED YOUR SISTER I JUST THOUGHT ID LET YOU KNOW
Renardthefox: NOOOO! I LOVED YOU YOU CRAFTED A DOOR INTO MY HEART!! AND NOW YOU LOVE MY SISTER LIKE SOME KIND OF WHORE!
The_One_Who_Crafts: IM SORRY BUT DAMN IT'S NOT
MY FAULT YOUR SISTER WAS BORN SO PRETTY! BUT THATS NOT MY IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW
HES RIGHT THERE BEHIND YOU!!!!! AGGGHHH! *weeps and pleads to Slenderman not to hurt us*
Renardthefox: THIS IS IT WE WON'T DIE DOING WHAT IT WANTS INTERNATIONAL GAY PARTY COMMENCE!
The_One_Who_Crafts: YEEEEEEEAAA!! GIVE ME THAT ASS! MMMMM HMMM! *takes shirt off and dances wildly while fapping in front The Slenderman*
Renardthefox: YEAH HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?! *Faps and cums everywhere*
edit is to say this: boy that escalated quickly
The_One_Who_Crafts: *heavy beat kicks in* UNCEUNCEUNCEUNCE I AM SO FUCKIN HARD RIGHT NOW.
Renardthefox: YEAH! LETS DO THIS! *SLENDER RAGE*
The_One_Who_Crafts: *tenderly strokes Slenderman's suit*
Renardthefox: *pulls out a bong and some weed*
The_One_Who_Crafts: Oooooooo
| 13 | 2.076923 | |
1341135170 | 1341136788 | t3_vvhcn | t5_2to41 | 46 | reltubnahte: TIFU by accidentally dropping my dick mid-piss and pissing on my pants.
No one was around to see me with my piss-stained pants but I still felt like a complete retard. Earlier today I had pissed in a flavored milk bottle without putting my dick in it (not because I like to live life on the edge, but because it didn't fit). I didn't spill a drop. I guess I was still feeling cocky from that and became reckless in my approach.
EDIT: Messed up in the title
i_am_sad: Out of curiosity, why did you feel the need to include the word flavored before milk bottle?
reltubnahte: If I'm honest, probably for the sake of imagery. I was proud of the achievement. I guess it would have been more impressive with a coke bottle.
i_am_sad: why not "milk bottle" or "chocolate milk bottle" though?
I don't think I've ever seen flavored be used in the context of a flavored milk bottle, always the specific flavor or just "milk bottle"
| 4 | 11.5 | |
1341155571 | 1341255773 | t3_vvpmr | t5_2to41 | 129 | Virtruvian: TIFU a friendship
so i went through a bad relationship a while ago and i drank away my sorrows and confided in a friend of mine. well, during this time, she came to like me...a lot...and i can't reciprocate. i don't want to be in a relationship. but a couple nights ago, i got really drunk and was alone and we may have fooled around a bit...alright, we fooled around quite a bit and all after i told her i'd be with her. but i felt terrible about it when i woke up and when i tried to tell her that i couldn't do this and that i didn't want to be in a relationship, she freaked out and promised to ruin my life and to make me "regret this". any suggestions on how to fix this, reddit?
stalker7d7: Ah, the one sided story making the other person out to be the crazy one. I'll bet you that the OP is just as bad as he makes out the girl to be. Fucking douche I say, fooling around with a girl, saying you want to be with her, then changing your mind the next day. What an asshole.
[deleted]: While it's technically one-sided, it's not like the OP is making himself out to be the good guy. He's posting in TIFU, so he knows he's done wrong. Nowhere did he say she's the crazy one, though what she said at the end is a bit crazy, it was caused by OP's assholery, which he admits.
stalker7d7: One-sided story. One side is able to make things up out of thin air. You don't know if she really said what he said she said at the end. That's the point.
[deleted]: I agreed that it is one sided.
Yeah, sure, we don't know if she really said that. We don't know if anything really happened. Why believe one thing but not the other?
stalker7d7: Because in stories such as these, the teller is more likely to tell only part of their side (excluding the parts that they believe other people would disapprove of the most), while making things up about the other (in order to get the other people to disapprove of the other person in the story).
So it's likely that, if it did happen, what the op said he did was true (but not the whole truth), but what he said the girl did was not (entirely).
Fucking psychology man, psychology.
[deleted]: He *DID* tell us the parts we disapprove of in him, and those parts were worse than the bits we would disapprove of in her.
stalker7d7: While he did in fact tell us parts we disapprove of, there is no way of knowing that that is all (and it's likely that he left parts out). Can you not comprehend that sentence? You're being biased.
You really don't understand what I'm saying at all, do you? Go do some research on One Sided Stories in Psychology. Google for psychology of one sided stories or something. Maybe read this: http://whywereason.com/tag/popular-psychology/
Fucking psychology man, psychology. Try and learn, don't just shrug it off and assume you already know what's what. With that mentality you're bound to fail unless you have somebody giving you everything you want.
| 8 | 16.125 | |
1341132726 | 1341332934 | t3_vvghb | t5_2to41 | 20 | oldaccountwasmyname: TIFU while washing my clothes.
So last night I put all my t-shirts into 1 wash including a shirt from my work uniform. What I forgot is that I always keep a pen in the pocket of that shirt.
Queue this morning when I'm walking downstairs to pack my shirts to go on holidays (in 2 hours) and the pen has exploded, leaving all of my clothes covered in blue splotches of ink.
I literally have no choice but to wear them until I'm back and can try to wash it out.
ThunderOrb: You can't buy a few new things along the way?
Beefyface: Yeah...if you can afford to go on holiday you can afford to buy a 6 pack of Hanes tee shirts.
oldaccountwasmyname: It was a 2 day trip to my friends house in a different part of the country, virtually free. Which is how much the new t-shirts will have to cost for me to be able to buy them. Student life.
| 4 | 5 | |
1341184075 | 1341243476 | t3_vwbwu | t5_2to41 | 249 | Scarecrowe: TIFU by turning a close friend to hard drugs with my big mouth
This happened last night, and has been building up for months, but here goes. A close friend of mine, let's call him B, up until recently was with his poisonous, compulsive liar, bitch of a girlfriend who everyone in our group of friends passionately hated for various reasons. Let's call her L. L treated B like a doormat for the past 6 months while we all watched it erode. They'd be on and off every few weeks and she'd give him all the abuse under the sun. She dropped out of college pretty quickly after she had enrolled so that she could mooch, smoke weed and drink nonstop with some other idiots me and friends know, and dragged B down with her, causing his college work and job to suffer. We all knew she used him for money and drink while she cavorted with other guys, B sadly somehow managed to stay in love with her, for reasons we have tried time and time again to figure out.
At a friend's party about a few months ago, B turned up without L in tow, and after a few hours of drinking, smoking weed and getting merry, he slept with another girl and made us all pretty aware of that fact. B didn't tell L about this so as to keep the peace (Apparently this wasn't the first time he'd cheated, I can kinda sympathize with the poor bastard being driven to it) and this has continued on up until the last couple of weeks, where word got out to L that B had cheated.
The thing is, I had a hand in it. There is no love lost between me and L for various reasons, and I made the vindictive dick move of telling a few people about B's infidelity. One of these people apparently told L about what he/she'd heard and L swiftly ended it with B, which has really hit B where it hurts. I haven't had much contact with him recently and only just heard last night as I was going to another party with friends. As we arrived, B turned up out of his head on speed, stating to everyone that it wasn't the only stuff he'd done since L dropped him, asking me if I was the one that single-handedly fucked his relationship up irreparably (I didn't have the guts to say that I did, he is none the wiser), and now I feel pretty crap over that fact.
I have no regrets over my part in their breakup, downvote me for that if you like, but I think that B's relationship with L wasn't doing him any favors in the slightest, and I do believe that their split was an inevitability just sped up a little. What I do deeply regret is how this has affected him, and I wonder if this whole scenario could have turned out better if I'd kept my mouth shut. I feel like the biggest dickhead that there could be right now. What can I do?
Tl;dr: A good friend is snorting ketamine now because I caused his girlfriend to break up with him.
EDIT: For better clarity
[deleted]: So let me get this straight: a guy who was in a relationship with a girl who was such a bitch that he ended up having a continuous sexual relationship with a third party broke up with him because you told the truth to a mutual friend of his girlfriend who then in turn told her without your knowledge. And now he is destroying himself with drugs because he can't cope without the girl he was cheating on? Fuck, my brain hurts. Be more assertive bro, you aren't in the wrong.
Scarecrowe: As I said in another reply, being assertive and confessing to him will probably end up with my head getting kicked in. If ever I do tell him that I did it, I wanna do it when he's sober, calm, and a long time from now. Perhaps then he won't flip his shit as badly as he would at this moment.
EDIT: But yeah, you hit the nail on the head there mate.
[deleted]: Oh fuck, well your options are pretty limited then.
Well maybe don't be assertive then.. hit the gym for a couple of weeks then be assertive, I kid I kid.
But seriously, it doesn't seem like you have many options if this guy is being aggressive and stubborn. If he has half a brain left he will realise soon enough that what he is doing is counter-productive and will **not** benefit him emotionally in regards to losing this chick.
As for your role in all of this I would personally stay in contact with him, try and prove that the friendship between you two means something and that you slipped up by **accident**. I would also express my worries towards his drug use but not in an assertive way, just from a friends-standpoint.
What does his family think of him abusing his body with meth and speed? Does he have any kind of relationship with them? I don't personally have a problem with weed but if people are hitting up the heavy stuff the people who will have the biggest impact on their cessation would be their direct family members surely?
Scarecrowe: Thanks for the input, seriously. I'd have no idea how to express to him that I didn't do any of it to hurt him otherwise.
I will have to try and talk to him about the drugs as a friend, I'm sure I'm not the only one who knows him who is worried about it.
I don't really know his family so I couldn't say. I know that he does still live with his parents and younger brothers, though he is seeking to move out. I guess they'd have to find out in time, one way or another. How they will react to it and if they will try and have a hand in him stopping is not for me to say.
[deleted]: It just seems a real shame that someone is taking such a, from what I've read, shit experience in a relationship to heart. I know that it can be real difficult breaking up but this dude was so flippant about it he was poking other chicks so I can't wrap my head around why he is taking it so badly.
I will say it speaks volumes about your character that you are standing by him and actively seeking out a safe method of deactivating this volatile situation. A very old friend, time known not age, who I saw quite frequently and used to use drugs with myself had a horrendous cocaine addiction, followed by heroin addiction, followed by benzodiazepine addiction and I have to say dealing with him on a day to day basis used to do my fucking head in.
So dealing with your friend on stims, and with him being emotional / aggressive, must be difficult too and I respect you for not just ditching him.
Scarecrowe: You'd have to know the guy to get to our level of understanding (I say that because we are all dumbfounded as to why he stayed with her all this time). He never complained to her about the way she treated him, he never told us very much of the crap he was taking either, obviously seeing something we can't. Either I or others would just watch or overhear things go to shit between them time and time again, and somehow he'd always want to get her back. What is confusing as you said is how he was so fluid about whom he slept with outside of his relationship that he had a fanatical devotion to, we figured that as I mentioned earlier, it was an escape for him.
I feel like a coward to tell you the truth. Yeah I'll stand by the guy despite his anger or the drugs because I feel as though it isn't his fault for being emotional or seeking a way to cope with it, and I feel all the spite any human being could muster for the fucking cunt that made him this way. But I wussed out of being honest to him and put him in this position in the first place whereas it probably could have turned out differently and less drug-fuelled had I not upset the balance of things. I am very sorry to hear about your friend too, I can only empathise with hearing the way my cousin acted (She's got a decade on me) when she had some weird relationship with a dealer. I won't go into stories but she ended up losing both her kids who are near to my age, and dealt with 5 years of jail-time for the whole thing. She's one of the reasons why I'm cautious of some of my friends habits at least.
Cheers though man, I really appreciate the sentiment.
[deleted]: Don't feel like a coward, by talking about this and mulling over what route to take you are doing the right thing. A coward would just fall back, take the blame and allow their friend to hold the upper-hand even if they are wrong. You are being strong by holding onto the very vital fact that you are still in the right, all of these negative situations are manifesting from a simple mistake after all. If anyone is to blame it is the bitch who blabbed to his ex-girlfriend not you.
As for him keeping it secret, that is what most people do whilst in these abusive / destructive relationships because they think they can handle it themselves or worry about having someone else interfering. A close friend of mine is in a similar relationship but he is very secretive about it all, going from one minute ranting about how his life is over and that he is sick of everything to loving every minute of it and grateful for having such an 'amazing' girlfriend. If I go to question him when he is having a rough time he will shrug it off or say "it doesn't matter" when we both know that is the polar opposite to the reality of the situation.
My friend however deserves no sympathy and neither do I, I was just desperate so I hung around with douchebags who would sell me down the river for their next fix. I wasn't much better really. But I just thought I'd use it as a reference point to let you know that I speak from, some, experience being around people who are whacked out and can be aggressive / not understanding. This guy would be the kind of person who would invite me over, we'd chill until I've smoked all my weed / given him some Xanax then he'd chuck me out. Or if I was round and he got a call from a different friend he would send me home, very demeaning. He also rang me up on Christmas asking for money that I had already paid back. I ended up in hospital shortly after, unrelated, and he got my parents to pay him. That was more than enough to realise he was a sick bastard.
I'm sorry to hear about your cousin, I can't even begin to imagine how taking jail time and losing your children would affect a person. Especially over drugs.
Edit: sorry if any of this post is incoherent; it is coming up to 2am and I'm feeling pretty lethargic.
Scarecrowe: I guess, I don't think anyone in this scenario can validly take the moral high-ground here since he was cheating on her pretty deliberately, and I told certain people partially out of spite for the way L treated him, but I won't let myself hold him to what he did in my defense. He has his reasons, and I think being the weaker man that I would have done the same or just hopped it sooner of my own volition.
Damn, that's eerily similar to the way it is/was with B. One minute he'd feel horrible owing either to one of the myriad arguments or rough patches and then suddenly he'd be right as rain and going all gooey for her again. He would deny anyone's questioning on how they both felt or were doing as far as I knew, shrugging it off with 'just fine''s and such. It'd only be when they really kicked off at each other that he'd say anything.
I understand, but you at least seem like a stand-up person now on my end. He sounds like a complete fuckwit, I know of several people who follow exactly the same tendencies. One of them I know sold his girlfriend's (Who is also a pretty close friend of mine) bass guitar for Ket/Meow money then dumped her on the spot not a day later.
Yeah I am too. Her father (My uncle) didn't often do much to fit the father figure description, and coupled with other family issues it led her down that path. She gets to see them now and again though, and from what I've heard is also completely clean of it all these days.
[deleted]: Intimate relationships can be very fragile ground for some people, me included, and it just seems for this guy his luck ran out after keeping everything bottled up and constantly making bad decisions. I'm sure it wasn't healthy for him so you, inadvertently lol, did him a favour by getting him out of there.
The whole drug thing will most likely blow over when he has let off the initial bit of steam regarding the relationship and he will have a moment of clarity and realise that he needs to change his ways, lets hope at least.
Well it is getting late now (GMT ftl) and I don't want to fall into a tired stupor and ramble for another 6 paragraphs, the way I see it is that you're are one righteous fellow just trying to do his best to recover a relationship that has collapsed over an innocent mistake. So take care of yourself, and your friend, and even though we have a very tenuous link if you want to talk more about it feel free to message me (:
Scarecrowe: Well I sure hope he does clean up eventually, I've seen and lost friends before who've spiraled out into progressively harder and harder stuff. We can all hope.
Over here too haha, but I have no real need to be up before 4PM tomorrow so I'll hang around for a while. I can't thank you enough for the input, usually in these scenarios I get lost in what to do and end up screwing up more often than is comfortable, and the advice on what to do gives me some sort of direction to follow. I'll definitely drop you a line if need be mate :)
johnnybgoode17: I wish you guys would use a picture or two
[deleted]: A [picture](http://i.minus.com/j9yVgGxlyhdIQ.png) or [two](http://i.minus.com/jQLsy4faIVvv2.jpg).
| 13 | 19.153846 | |
1341199545 | 1341225313 | t3_vwoi2 | t5_2to41 | 278 | canipaybycheck: 20,000!
Congratulations /r/tifu, we've reached 20,000 subscribers!
This is our friendly reminder to keep spreading the word about this sub. We've built a quality sub, and let's keep it growing.
Secondly, this is the friendly moderator team reaching out to you. Do you have any ideas for the betterment of this subreddit? Any complaints, questions, or recommendations? Please post them in the comments, and we'll try to address every one.
Thanks, and congrats.
SaltyChristian: This post has been removed as it is a violation of rule #1 in the sidebar:
Start all posts with "TIFU" in the Title
Feel free to repost it with a fixed title. Thanks!
Pvtmiller: Reported it, as it still seems to be up. Keep up the good work, mods!
SaltyChristian: Thank you for notifying us when you report, it really makes our job easier.
Unfortunately, I can't remove it because he can just as easily approve it. This is the problem when dealing with power-hungry mods like canipaybycheck. I've tried messaging the admins so they can permanently delete it, but I haven't gotten a response.
Pvtmiller: How dare he abuse his power like that!
canipaybycheck: How dare *you* speak ill of me within the walls of my subreddit!
#####**BANNED!**
unicr0n: So...did he get banned?
canipaybycheck: No, I was kidding.
dirtywhore4cash: that looked pretty convincing.
^also ^cash ^only
canipaywithcash: ***I have prepared for this moment.***
dirtywhore4cash: shit just got real
| 11 | 25.272727 | |
1341204349 | 1343431017 | t3_vwsm0 | t5_2to41 | 78 | cjpoop: TIFU, used baking cocoa to make chocolate milk
I woke up in the middle of the night and went to make some hot chocolate. Accidentally used baking cocoa. I almost woke up my family with my almost-throwing-up noises.
Ajishly: I always use baking cocoa for hot chocolate... you do have to add a smidge of sugar though.
neryam: Yeah, so much better than nesquik. More like equal parts sugar though, for me!
MegaMeatSlapper85: Better than Nesquik? Blasphemy.
kpatterson14206: Unpossible!
HeartlessSkeleton_: [Or perhaps...]
(http://tinyurl.com/89aqfnj)
| 6 | 13 | |
1341209632 | 1341286821 | t3_vwwav | t5_2to41 | 55 | gleenglass: TIFU: And accidentally stuck my fingers in my dog's butt and got poop juice on my hand.
My husband and I were walking our lab mix, Layla. She was pulling on the leash, which my husband was holding, to try to growl at/mess with another dog through a fence. I went to give her a Cesar Milan style "bite" with my hand (aka "goose" her) so she would walk. She turned right as I went for it and my fingers touched her booty hole. It all happened so fast, I don't know if my fingers actually penetrated or if she just got startled and shat a bit on me but there was poop sludge on my fingers where I poked her hiney.
My husband almost barfed and I power walked home with the poop hand held awkwardly away from my body. I was sad and now Layla won't look me in the eye.
mmm_leftboob: So now you've touched the feces of another species. Lovely.
gleenglass: I was raised on a farm. It's nothing new. I have had skin to poo contact with hogs, sheep, chickens, ducks, geese, and peacocks. And now a dog.
Pirate_steve: well...your repertoire is quite varied.
| 4 | 13.75 | |
1341223672 | 1341305510 | t3_vx2p1 | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by reading up on a website called Conservapedia
Not sure if that's the actual title, but its a conservative wikipedia. The arguments presented and the biased format clearly drove me more to my liberal bisexual and atheistic ways
zazenbo: Not sure how you fucked up besides sounding like a pretentious liberal.
Jesse244: Exactly
| 3 | 1 | |
1341237702 | 1341260086 | t3_vx9lw | t5_2to41 | 178 | trouphaz: TIFU and dove headfirst into my kids' inflatable pool.
So, the fuck up wasn't actually today. I fucked up a couple of weeks ago when I removed a stone block from next to my patio leaving a hole in the ground so I could mow without hitting the block. Early this morning (right after midnight), I remembered to empty my kids' pool before going to bed. I stepped off of the patio right into the hole from that block, twisted my ankle and fell face first into the little pool. My wife was standing behind me and was trying to figure out wtf I just did. I'm now wearing an ankle brace at work.
[deleted]: my wife would have laughed at me unconTROLLably
pendulum89: Wait... Daddy_Digital from AZHT?
[deleted]: YEAP! whos this?
pendulum89: Pendulum. I'm not on their too often these days, unless I'm trying to make people angry. I think we've met a couple times at meets.
bfeliciano: [You knew it was coming.](http://stickerish.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/NowKissBlackSS.png)
pendulum89: We've got a mutual friend that would probably love to photograph the occasion.
| 7 | 25.428571 | |
1341249231 | 1341262817 | t3_vxjx2 | t5_2to41 | 36 | Makave22: tifu sending a text message trying to be funny to a girl who I like
I had been talking to this one girl for about a month now who I really like and today I sent her a text message this morning saying this after not talking to her for the whole day yesterday.
"I couldn't sleep either baby, I wanted to call you last night but I wasn't feeling well at all. I went snorkling and my body sour as hell you always in my head and my penis too lmao."
The only thing she said was "okay, have a good day" and that's it. I told her that came out wrong, and I apologizes to her and she hasn't respond back. Fuck. ;*(
theflying6969: "you're always in my penis too" I don't think its possible to try to justify that as it came out wrong haha
Makave22: I don't want to sound like a perv.
theflying6969: well, you failed your mission.
jjamessmithh: your*
no_social_skills: yore*
KingOfSamoa: I like this. Yore.
| 7 | 5.142857 | |
1341265185 | 1341266019 | t3_vy1bd | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: Tifu: by breaking an $5,000-$10,000 piece of equipment (pic proof)
I was using a clamp truck at work while a coworker was following along to pick up anything I dropped. After I stacked enough fright on a particular pallet I went to pick it up with my clamp, the whole front assembly lurched forward and luckily stopped on the freight. Got lucky it didn't fall further and injure my coworker. Could have been much worse glad no one was hurt.pic is of coworker http://imgur.com/CTrQ1
vxx: If I get it right it wasn't your fault?
AguywithLegs: Had to have broke one of the pins
| 3 | 7 | |
1341263417 | 1341522083 | t3_vxzem | t5_2to41 | 37 | idalulz: TIFU: Saying the word "whore" over and over in my head with my boss present and accidently let it slip out loud.
For clearifying, I use the word whore for everything. And I often say that instead of other swearwords, because I feel like I'm getting so much more rage expressed with it.
e: my boss is female and was taking this VERY seriously.
MattDU: I really hope your former boss is attractive..
idalulz: Why?
MattDU: Because it'd make this story better and raunchier.
idalulz: As a straight female, I think chances are small that I'll ever consider a female boss hot.
maumeeriverrat: Whore
idalulz: The word actually used was "hore", thanks. :)
| 7 | 5.285714 | |
1341278144 | 1341356134 | t3_vyduc | t5_2to41 | 311 | mmm_leftboob: TIFU and walked more than 100 yards away from my home. So I shat myself.
In the 33 years since I stopped wearing diapers, I have experienced this feeling 4 times. It's a sudden but moderate pain in the intestinal area accompanied by the distinctive gurgling of loose matter through the *demesnes that there adjacent lie*. This is a warning from that body that says: "(1) If you're in or near a building you have access to, get to the bathroom now! (2) If you're not...you will soon own one less pair of underwear." I was not.
I was .8 miles away from my apartment, taking two very big dogs on an extended neighborhood walk in the early evening. (I know the milage because I'm trying to lose weight and keeping track of my exercise with a GPS app.) This was a thickly settled neighborhood, so popping into the woods was not an option; there weren't any. Also, one of the dogs with me lunges at children on sight, and the other hates unknown dogs, so I wasn't about to go knocking on doors to ask for a bathroom. The only option I saw was to head straight home, hope for the best, and accept whatever fate may stream down my leg and soak into my white fucking gym sock.
Well, I live in an apartment complex where everyone has their own entrance, and the dozen buildings therein contain 24 units each, all laid out in a horseshoe shape. Of course, my door is right in the middle of the furthest part of the horseshoe, and the majority of my multitude of neighbors have just gotten home from work and were now walking their dog, checking their mail, or maybe just patrolling the area to see if any of their fellow urban professionals were trying to slink by with a steaming load in their pants.
I lost the battle of clenched butt-cheeks about 110 feet before I got to the entrance of the horseshoe, at which time about 1 to 2 ounces of hot liquid evil infiltrated my vastly inadequate boxer briefs, and began to slowly splat out the right leg of my shorts. "It's mud" I thought, "if anyone sees it at all, they'll think it's mud!" I ran in to six individuals who asked me how my day was, and passed many others as I walked the desperate length of the horseshoe. "Just great! Thanks!", I'd announce, hoping not to interest anyone enough to make them turn and look at the rear side of me. I don't know how many did, nor do I know if enough "mud" splashed out to effectively mark a trail to my door. Either way, I'm never going outside again.
TL;DNR Fat guy eats fatty foods and shits himself outdoors, does a 1/2 mile waddle of shame back home; everyone sees.
mamajamerson: Great story! Thank you for sharing your abject humiliation for our amusement.
[deleted]: Best part, he doesn't even get karma from it ;)
mmm_leftboob: Why don't I get karma for it?
Aszuul: have to make a link post, not a text one to get karma. so if you linked to an imgur page with a picture of your text you would have gotten bundles of karma. unless you mean real life karma, in which case you did, and something amazing will happen to you soon.
mmm_leftboob: Oh. Well, thanks. This is a throwaway account anyway, and it would be pretty sad if my scumbag profile was doing better than my "real" profile.
[deleted]: You should keep using this one, you picked a great username.
mmm_leftboob: Hey, I've got nothing against the right boob either. But the lefty is usually bigger.
Lolo4369: My right is bigger haha
mmm_leftboob: Every dude reading this just checked your "submitted" file.
| 10 | 31.1 | |
1341286007 | 1341286861 | t3_vylap | t5_2to41 | 18 | SuperBicycleTony: TIFU by unknowingly washing my entire wardrobe with a piece of insulation.
Pirate_steve: shit is so itchy, so god dang itchy
SuperBicycleTony: You don't have to tell me. I had to sit through a 3 hour lecture with it all over my body.
| 3 | 6 | |
1341290635 | 1341428949 | t3_vyplr | t5_2to41 | 19 | rbasov: TIFU by pushing my friend into the pool while she was holding her phone.
So, we were at the pool and my friend was just walking around, she looked too dry to me, and I acted upon what all my friends were thinking. I pushed her in. When she rose from the depths of the abyss she had a pissed off look on her face, and that's when she showed me her phone. Apparently she was about to leave, without saying "bye" to anyone, so I was completely unaware that she had anything on her. So here I am unemployed and completely broke I did the only thing I'm capable of doing...severely apologizing. Now I owe her $500 (what phone costs fucking $500?) and am the sole reason she can't communicate with anyone anymore.
tl;dr (you lazy bastards)- pushed friend into pool, owe her $500 for new phone
EDIT- and for those of you who think I'm an asshole, I present a picture of Neil deGrasse Tyson with kittens and puppies: http://i.imgur.com/kmlPh.png
darthelmo: Not entirely OP's fault; civilzed people generally take leave of at least their hosts before bailing on a party.
One question: was said friend in bathing apparel? If not, it pretty much does confirm OP as Dick-of-the-Week.
rbasov: Yes, she was still in her bikini... I'm not that big of a douche to throw a fully clothed person into a pool.
darthelmo: Wait—where the hell was she hiding the phone?!?
EDIT: And why didn't she ditch the phone on the way down?
rbasov: She had it in her hand, but her back was to me when I pushed her...I told her to throw it...when she got out she said "throw it and crack my screen?"
Cracked screen- covered by insurance
Water damage- not covered
darthelmo: She was blond. No need to say any more.
rbasov: Asian actually
darthelmo: (smh) *Work* with me here!
rbasov: ok...she was a blond asian
| 9 | 2.111111 | |
1341274180 | 1341329515 | t3_vya67 | t5_2to41 | 61 | Catters: TIFU and gave someone my dad's number.
My dad pretty much never uses his phone, unless he's communicating with people in his family.
My number and my dad's number are a mere two digits apart.
Apparently he's gotten some "weirdly suggestive" texts recently. I think this very nearly correlates with a recent party I went to.
Sorry, dad.
And to whomever is texting my dad: don't embarrass yourself. He's obviously not that into you.
dewolow: Might have gotten the gender wrong, but grats on getting them to text back.
http://www.quickmeme.com/meme/3pyahq/
Catters: Ahaha, that's beautiful.
I'm female, though. :)
| 3 | 20.333333 | |
1341325390 | 1341516636 | t3_vz9el | t5_2to41 | 38 | EtherBoo: TIFU and pissed all over my bathroom floor.
I live in a 2/2 with my wife. Our second bedroom is used as our office and holds our computer desk and accompanying computers. We were chatting and I went to the bathroom right outside the office and turned my head to reply to her continuing our conversation.
I didn't notice the toilet lid slowly creeping to a shut position as I was looking the other direction so she would hear me a bit more clearly. After telling her whatever I was telling her, I saw the the lid silently closed without me taking notice and I had been pissing on the lid, splashing urine all over the bathroom.
I ended up cleaning everything up and washing the mats in the bathroom floor. Needless to say, I will not stop watching my stream of urine from this point forward.
AlienWorm1999: Were you drunk?
EtherBoo: Nope, just not paying attention.
AlienWorm1999: This goes to all; Remember, if this happens too many times, just pee sitting down!
EtherBoo: In 30 years, first time this ever happened.
Haven't you ever had a toilet seat ninja close on you?
Side Story
------------
I used to work for the phone company doing onsite support, and usually the only bathroom was the customer's. Some people had these stupid ass covers on the tops of the toilet. When you would lift it, it wouldn't get to the "upright position" and when you let it go, it would drop.
Usually I'd need to hold it or position it just right. If I saw it shutting I'd need to grab it fast.
This particular incident just involved me not watching the seat.
| 5 | 7.6 | |
1341368370 | 1341403724 | t3_vzuk5 | t5_2to41 | 109 | darkmdbeener: What does this mean.. fuck the future you?
Muund: FTFY = Fixed that for you
darthelmo: Alternate usage: Fuck that; fuck you.
Trigamma: New alternate usage: Fuck the future you.
darthelmo: I like it, but I think it might be difficult to work into conversation.
Trigamma: I agree. But I think we can make it work.
darthelmo: On three, then...?
Trigamma: One...
darthelmo: Two...
Trigamma: ...Three!
darthelmo: ...I forgot where I parked the time machine....
Trigamma: That's okay. In the future, when there are time machines on every street corner, it'll be a piece of cake for the future you to come back in time. Just remember this moment so the future you doesn't forget your mission.
darthelmo: You, sir/madam, are a gentlebeing. I upvote you as a civilized being should.
Trigamma: I appreciate and return the favor!
Schlessel: fuck the future you
| 15 | 7.266667 | |
1341347249 | 1341501817 | t3_vzvr4 | t5_2to41 | 352 | baileykm: TIFU and told my neighbor I would eat her ass
We were pretty drunk and having a party of 8 or so over and we were looking for food in the fridge. She bent over and with her nice butt I stared while talking. So I went from I would eat (food) and turned it into ass when I saw her ass. Her boyfriend was not happy but everyone laughed and I blushed.
A_plural_singularity: At least you didn't sleep with the mother of the girl whose 18th birthday party you're attending and end up getting caught with your pants down by said daughter.
thanos023: Story?
A_plural_singularity: It happened a couple years ago. I was twenty years old. A friend of mine had asked me to replace the air conditioning pump on his F-150. After that we were sitting drinking beer and he asked what i was up to that night i said absolute nadda. So he said you wanna go to an 18th birthday party. I said why the hell not.
So I booked my ass home took care of the three S's and was on my way. My buddy drove. We arrived after the party started and i followed my buddy into the house. Now I grabbed a beer a started scoping out the scenery. A bunch of 7 and 8 with their douche-bag boy friends, so i headed into the kitchen where all the parental units were figuring at least I was gonna hear some crazy ass stories from way back when. So i sat down and started bullshittin.
About an hour went by and i was the life of the party because i was the young buck hangin with the old fucks. Then the the butter crowns started flowing and this one woman who kept eyeing me up, so i went along with it. We talked laughed and accused me of being a stripper that my buddy bought for her.
The night went on. Then her and one of her girlfriends excused themselves and walked into her bedroom. I thought nothing of as women have a tendency to travel in groups. Well after about five minutes her girlfriend comes out and walks over to me and whispers in my ear "she's waiting for you". So i ventured into the unknown of a woman's bedroom.
I wandered in and the lights were off, but there was a glow coming from the bathroom. As i peaked through the door i spotted her on the edge of the tub and she called me over. So i went in and sat down she started to rub my leg and i knew i had a shot. Then the heavy petting commenced. After about twenty minutes i felt as if i was losing her, so i went back to the code; "when in doubt whip it out" i dropped my drawers she looked at it grabbed it and i knew i was in. I took off her top and then her pants she likewise undressed me. We began to make love.
After about an hour and a half. Unbeknownst to me the girl whose party it was (and i came to find out later the daughter of the woman i was shoving my cock in) was looking for her mother. Well somebody mentioned seeing her go into her room. So she walked in, not seeing her mother and the light in the bathroom she opened the door and there we were in all our glory. She was bent over the sonk and i while i was pounding it from behind. She flipped out.
So i shit you not slid my cock out nonchalantly put my pants on and stood to look at this girl screaming at me. As i realized what was going on, i calmly walked by the daughter into the kitchen, i looked at my buddy who had this shit eating grin on his face he looked at me and without saying anything reached down grabbed a couple beers and i took them and went out to the car to wait.
And so ended that night. I woke up with a notch in my belt and another story to tell.
Tl;dr caught in the act, by the child of the woman i porked.
Woof_tex: Is this worse than being woken up by her 10 & 12 y.o. boys jumping on Mommies bed to do their Saturday AM cartoons only to find Ma and I naked, hungover, and in no mood for cartoons?
A_plural_singularity: Try a two year old crying that you had no idea was in the house, but thats a story for another time.
zobbas: It's usually a good idea to know where your two year old is at all times
A_plural_singularity: I didn't even know he was there she said nothing about a kid. Although i prolly shoulda known considering she was a stripper.
zobbas: Did you meet this stripper at the club or did you meet her and later find out that she was a stripper?
A_plural_singularity: Met her at the club it was my birthday and she asked me home with her.
zobbas: Bad idea bro. A stripper that offers rides home with people is most likely not going to be clean...
A_plural_singularity: We walked lol. At at that point in the night my gf already gave me the go ahead to get laid because she was outta town and i had been drinking since one in the afternoon so my give a fuck was outta commission.
| 12 | 29.333333 | |
1341378058 | 1341429669 | t3_w0n9d | t5_2to41 | 532 | [deleted]: TIFU and blew up a bomb in my parents kitchen
Today, the day before the Fourth of July, I woke up and decided that I should have something similar to a firework for my family tomorrow. Fireworks are illegal in my city because of all the wildfires (I live in Colorado), so I had to be a little creative.
"I know!" I said "I'll make something with a lot of smoke and shine lasers through it."
A quick trip to the internet showed me that all I needed was a bottle of chemicals from the hardware store that was just potassium nitrate, and some sugar and baking soda.
Fast forward a few hours and I was preparing to mix these things up. I asked my mom politely if I could use her kitchen to mix some chemicals, and she said yes, provided I clean up afterwards.
I mixed the bottle of ingredients in a pot, set the stove to just below medium, and got myself some ice cream to eat while I watched and waited. I stepped a few feet away, picked up my spoon, and just as I turned away, I heard a roar from the depths of hell itself.
I turned around, and my entire field of vision was covered by deep red flames, thick black smoke, and several hundred degrees of heat. I somehow had the wherewithal to make it eight feet away to the pantry, where the fire extinguisher is kept on the top shelf. All the while, this deep roar continued behind me and my field of vision clouded up with black smoke.
By the time I turned around and had the extinguisher armed, I couldn't see anything in the smoke and the roar was gone. There was nothing to do except spray water from the sink over everything and hack my lungs out as all the smoke detectors in the house went off.
My parents were upstairs and rushed down to see the havoc i had wreaked upon their once pristine kitchen. I worked for about an hour in shock as they got the dog out of the house and cleared enough smoke to be able to see. The floor was deeply pitted, the counters were a complete loss, the entire ceiling has black residue on it, and there was a thick layer of toxic smelling paste on it. The oven was fine though for some reason, as was I. My only injuries were a series of blisters on my hands and feet, but if I was three feet closer, I would be in the E.R. dealing with whatever injuries flaming chunks hot enough to drill straight through wooden flooring would do.
I am in for one hell of a firestorm with them and will probably end up losing whatever money I can make this next year to the repair work. So, yeah, today I fucked up.
Edit: a [couple](http://i.imgur.com/hgfFI.jpg) of [images](http://i.imgur.com/I9pno.jpg?1) that my brother took
Edit 2: Tied for Fuck Up of the Week! I shouldn't be nearly as proud of myself as I am now.
Edit 3: The insurance guy came out to my house today and said that State Farm should cover replacing the floors, counters and stove computer, as well as having the cupboards refinished and the ceiling painted. Hooray for my folks homeowners insurance!
[deleted]: This might not be the only bad news for you, the law agencies keep an eye on people who buy materials for bomb making, so, you might be kept under observation by them as well.
ConstableOdo: Unless he was buying things specifically labeled "FOR BOMB MAKING" they won't. It's just normal household chemicals and no one really watches. the cashier at the store probably thought nothing of it. They aren't trained in "IF SOMEONE BUYS THEY THEY ARE MAKING A BOMB OH MY GOD GET THE FBI CIA NSA AND SUPERMAN HERE STAT!"
SparkyFox: At some stores cashiers are trained to do exactly that. When I was a cashier at Home Depot we were given Anti-Terrorism training and told to report any suspicious purchases to our Loss Prevention who'd in turn send that info onto Law Enforcement
ConstableOdo: Alright. So you could name off the top of your head bomb recipes? And if you could, all your coworkers were smart enough to remember them all?
SparkyFox: Well, we don't have a lot of stuff for the internal components. We were told to look for people getting pipes, electronic timers, and other mis-matched "suspicious" purchases. Honestly though, it's been nearly a year since I was in that job so I've brain-dumped most of that info.
ConstableOdo: Ah. Well, based on that list I can only imagine the lists I am on.
SparkyFox: Honestly I'm certain that you'd likely not be on a list. Not from lack of training or policy, but simply laziness or a "not my problem" kind of attitude.
ConstableOdo: Yeah. That was mostly a joke. I buy a lot of odd things in stores and online.
SparkyFox: I'm sure we all do! I'm certainly on lists myself (from training I've received though, not likely purchases)
ConstableOdo: Here is a toast to being on lists then! -toast- Happy Fourth.
| 11 | 48.363636 | |
1341394317 | 1341398448 | t3_w0x5y | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting a bird into my neighbors living room
My neighbors had gone on holiday leaving me in charge of there cat. I went round there one day and got a little curious and looked around a bit. I looked around for a while and decided to check in a cupboard thing in front of the fireplace.
I must have left it open or something because sometime between when I left and the next day when I returned, a pigeon had flown in and gotten stuck in the living room.
When I came in the next morning and entered the living room there were feathers everywhere and blood all over the ceiling. The tv had been scratched and there was blood on the screen and everything was messed up.
Theres still loads of blood on the cieling, the tv is super broken and they return tomorrow.
Michi_THE_Awesome: First off, How does a cupboard leave an opening into a home? I don't understand. Anyways here's my advice.
Clean up as much as you can. Then calmly explain that a bird flew into their home ( which isn't something you could control) and their cat violently murdered that bird. How'd the bird get in? Explain how it might have possibly gotten in, but you're unsure. If necessary frame them, by leaving a bedroom window open or something. Not wide open. Just open enough for a bird to have hopped in. It has to be one that isn't locked or anything like that. Give them a tally of the damage, and what you've already done to fix things FOR them. Emphasize you've already started to clean up the damage THEIR cat made. You could even provide a list of places they can get their things repaired. Assure them that you're okay and the cat seems to be fine. The real victim is the bird whose life was viciously taken. You have to clean up as much blood and trash as possible. Clean things up to the best of your ability and perhaps enlist the help of a good friend. Best of luck.
[deleted]: Apologies I forgot to explain, the cupboard was built over the fireplace and the bird fell/flew down into the cupboard and because it was open, got into the living room.
I'm going back for another cleanup before they get back, I'm just hoping they dont ask why I opened the cupboard.
Michi_THE_Awesome: So what you're saying is that in theory the bird could have flown in from the fire place?
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1341404060 | 1341427884 | t3_w11bg | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally spilling water over my trousers and walking through a populated town looking like I had wet myself.
It all started when I entered a Coffee shop with my gran to have lunch.
We were waiting for our food to be served but we managed to get our drinks first. She had a glass full of water and I had a can of Cola.
When the waitress walked over with our food, my gran moved her glass of water to the middle of the table so the waitress could place the tray of food safely at the side of our table.
As she passed my plate to me, I took the plate for myself and in result, I knocked the glass of water down. After the entire Coffee shop looked at us, the waitress was trying her best to clean it up.
We were told to find another table so I crab walked to the table next to us, trying my best to cover up my trousers.
The worst part of all this is that I had to do a crab walk through a very populated town with my trousers soaking wet and of course, people thought I wet myself. Needless to say, my gran was in stitches.
TL;DR: Crab walked through a town with wet trousers, looked like I wet myself. Entire town saw and laughed.
Flabbagazta: As opposed to an unpopulated town?
darthelmo: As opposed to a populated field.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1341421059 | 1341428304 | t3_w1d7a | t5_2to41 | 6 | MagicalWizard123: by putting a rubber pig in the oven and forgetting about it.
My sister and I were home after school and we were just chilling. I found this rubber pig and, with all intentions of taking it out, placed it in the oven as a joke....and then I completely forgot about it. My mom gets home and pre-heats the oven for dinner. Time goes on and this god awful smell fills the house. Little do I know that I caused that smell. My mom finally opens the oven and gets really upset. The pigs legs were melted off and stuck to the oven rack. She knew that I put it there because...I am the only one capable of doing something so stupid. We had to order pizza and buy a new oven rack...
darthelmo: Your *mother* should be doing a TIFU. You don't just preheat the oven without making sure nothing is in it.
vlovesf: Who knows how many times I have preheated and walked off to suddenly remember I left some pans in there. Glad those plastic handles can stand up to some heat.
| 3 | 2 | |
1341419065 | 1341788659 | t3_w1bhg | t5_2to41 | 26 | [deleted]: TIFU my first kiss and probably my relationship.
Well, I know this is pretty ordinary but I had to tell you guys because I feel like a total asshole. This isn't my first kiss ever, but it's my first kiss with my girlfriend. It's her first kiss ever though. So I was surrounded by all her friend,s telling us to kiss, I'm very timid but she isn't really. I can hug people in front of others but never kiss. So everyone's telling us to kiss and I start getting very nervous, we have quite along hug stop and she goes in for a kiss. At that moment I had no idea what to do, I hadn't kissed a girl in ages and everyone was staring. So what did I do? Nothing. I literally did nothing and made her first kiss the most awkward thing ever. I don't even think that would be counted as a kiss. As soon as it happened she went red in the face. All her friends slapped me and called me a dick, the rest of the day she looked really embarrassed and all her friends were ignoring me. I feel like I've ruined the relationship, hopefully she'll give me another chance though? Probably not, I've fucked up big.
ForeverASloane: You 12?
ScaredofStupidity: No, I'm 15
AmusedDragon: You sound and act like you're 9. Hang around better people.
Jaeriko: This shit is pretty typical for teenagers and your rudeness is entirely unnecessary.
Stianos: Yup. Don't know why he was downvoted. I knew people from school who were like that from 6th grade to 12th grade.
| 6 | 4.333333 | |
1341434557 | 1341473562 | t3_w1p02 | t5_2to41 | 294 | axelblaise: TIFU by wearing a weed bracelet to my job interview
my step sister bought me a bracelet that said legalize it with a bunch of weed plants drawn on it and i forgot to take it off i realized i had it on when the manager kept staring at my hand
tronncat: Im convinced that the majority of people that wear these are children or doofuses.
whiplash588: Because expressing yourself is for immature people.
runean: #YOLO, right?
It's like wearing a bracelet that says 'I love booze'. Sure, lots of people do. But it sounds tacky said out loud. And reguardless of what we want, the social stigma is negative. It's stupid, but it is, so respect that. You aren't the one in power, your boss is, so keep your head down.
whiplash588: Firstly, the majority of people who wear these aren't wearing it to job interviews or equally sensitive environments. Secondly, "I Love Booze" isn't a political statement and is completely different. Who cares what the social stigma is, that's the whole point of the bracelet. I mean, it's asking for something illegal to become legal, so it is inherently against the social stigma. Don't harsh on an entire group of people for expressing their beliefs on a taboo topic. They should not have to be apologetic for expressing themselves.
runean: I'm a big smoker man, I am all for it to be legalized. But if you ARE going for a job, or conversing with authority that could take it negatively, keep it under wraps. It might be your opinion, and maybe the right one, but it may not be theirs, and they are in power. I meant it more as 'Wear it appropriately', not 'dont wear it at all', sorry if that came out wrong.
whiplash588: I was more trying to defend my post above that is getting slaughtered.
runean: Something I've learned from Reddit: If they want to downvote you, just let them. Making follow-up defence posts generally ends with more downvotes anyway...
| 8 | 36.75 | |
1341404394 | 1341485066 | t3_w11h5 | t5_2to41 | 23 | andy_78: TIFU by thinking I could play basketball again.
Today I decided to go to one of the recreational centers her in my city and well play basketball. I hadn't played in over a year because I had torn my ACL about a year and 8 months ago and well I had surgery a year ago. Everything was going great till we decided to play a stupid pick up game for fun. That was a bad idea. One of my friends passed me the ball and as I planted my leg my knee gave out and it twisted in a way that isint normal. I decided to go check it out and it turned out to be a torn ACL AGAIN! GREAT! First tear was my freshman year of college and now entering my junior year, what luck I have. And to top it off, it was the same knee.
fawkesmulder: It's bad luck man. But I don't blame you for wanting to get back out there and play some bball. You're getting surgery, right? Be sure to rehab the knee -- get in the pool, do stretches, jogs, etc before trying to go full-contact on it. Give it at least a year.
andy_78: Very bad luck. The thing is that it had been more than year so you know I thought eh why not. Bad move. The thing for surgery is that I don't have insurance at the time, trying to get some and then report the accident after. I mean I have to do whatever is possible to get that surgery right? So if I hopefully do get it, ill probably wear my brace everywhere I go and actually finish my therapy.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1341491436 | 1341492895 | t3_w2oe2 | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by my dad thought letting me drive him home was a good idea.
First some story. I'm 14 and my father is 46. On he 4th he decided to tap into the good old beer case and was soon out of his wits. He was smart enough to know not to drive, but he instead wanted me to drive. I was thought he was joking until he threw me the keys. Being 5' I could kinda see over the hood. I jumped right in and once I sat down I got the "I don't know what this sh*t is" face and started by putting it in drive. I had never realized the car actually moves at a snails pace when you turn it to drive, so It was somewhat scary. I slowly crept up the campground road (Or tarred trail.) and finally made it to the lodge. It being 2 in the morning, my father decided that driving on Route 302 was not a bad idea. after the turn out onto the road everything was fine, until I got to my fathers parking spot. I turned to shallow and ended up hitting my mothers car. I just woke up to my mother screaming at my dad about the dent with the car. I have to go to work today so I'm not to thrilled to spend four strait hours with my brother who is going to give me crap about it. Any way that was my fuck up.
dirtywhore4cash: you forgot to put the part where you f'd up
[deleted]: I fixed it.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1341491549 | 1341495051 | t3_w2ogg | t5_2to41 | 28 | lionsrawesome: TIFU: Flooding the whole house on vacation
I was at Hawiaii (I have no idea how to spell it) and I arrived at the hotel where my family/friends were staying for one week. Now in the title it says I flooded the whole house which I did in one stupid move,
I was plunging the toilet, because my uncle can clog a toilet with a crap, and as I was doing this horendous job I noticed the toilet water started to rise so i just left holding the plunger. My mother asked me if the toilet was unclogged and I said "No, but it should be ok"
A few minutes later I heard my mum screaming a blood curdling scream then the sink tap started to squirt water, SO in that case I tried my best to stop the water but failed.
Moments later the other toilet stared to vomit water eerywhere (note: the other toilet was close by) and I cowardly jumped on top of a chair, MY auntie entered the room turning the STILL squirting tap on which just friken exploded. And that is how to f**k up a home by telling your mum the unclogged toilet is ok to pee in.
Also I'm British just so you know
mamajamerson: Tip #1 - Time to give up that dream of becoming a plumber.
Tip #2 - If you google "Hawiaii" the results page will say "Showing results for hawaii"
p.s. Cool story
[deleted]: PPS this uncle is a man to be reckoned with
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1341497679 | 1341507428 | t3_w2sbz | t5_2to41 | 42 | [deleted]: TIAFU: Sent some female anatomy to my embryology professor (NSFW link in text)
microhamster: If the un-send ever fails you can try using my [patented anti-reading email technique](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/tqk4m/tifu_emailed_a_porn_link_to_my_professor/c4ovl6j)
Coldhardt: Whoa, dude, that's brilliant. My old e-mail has an arsenal of spam I could use. You said this happened to you in the other thread and that it worked. Have you ever fessed up to the truth? Care to elaborate on what happened afterwards?
Since it's reddit patented, if I ever use it, how can I pay you royalties? Do you accept karma or cats?
microhamster: Never had to fess up, thank god it worked so well! But I accept all major forms of cat :)
| 4 | 10.5 | |
1341496045 | 1341529282 | t3_w2r4h | t5_2to41 | 932 | [deleted]: TIFU request: Guy in San Diego who launched 20 minutes worth of fireworks all at once
http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2012/07/san-diego-fireworks-all-explode-at-the-same-time/1#.T_WalLrHaNM
Tarkaan: Those displays are many tens of thousands of dollars, hundreds if you count the insurance and the spectacles that go on around them. This guy gets fuckup of the YEAR.
EnsignRedshirt: It's not the cost; people make six digit fuckups all the time. It's the extremely public nature of this fuckup that really makes it. It's not often that hundreds of thousands of people witness you shitting the bed *live*. That's something special.
Tarkaan: Also, it's only once a year, and you have one job to do. Do you think, after a fuckup like that, the company involved will ever do another fireworks show again? I mean, you'd pretty much have to shut down your business.
bamforeo: "You had ONE job, firework guy, ONE JOB!"
mash3735: had, being the operative word.
| 6 | 155.333333 | |
1341521172 | 1341650012 | t3_w3ehm | t5_2to41 | 8 | LucasJims: TIFU: I didn't ask a girl for her number
Hey,
So I was at a Jack White concert on Tuesday in Paris with my dad. We both love him. It was bloody brilliant. Anyways, I'm at this concert, and there's this girl next to me, and she's absolutely losing it. She cannot keep her shit cool. She keeps screaming as loud as the typical annoying fan girl, except she's screaming that hard for Jack White, which is awesome as fuck. She keeps shouting "I love you!!!" and such. She knew the lyrics to legit every song, and I thought I knew my Jack White. It was rather attractive seeing a girl so passionate about one of my favorite musicians. She was italian, she kept cursing at people in front who would get in the way for a few seconds. Anyways, at one point she asks whether this was my first time seeing him, and I'm like yeah, and we smile at eachother and stuff. Thats all we said to eachother. I don't tend to go to concerts to party and shite, I love music, I want to be a professional musician when I'm older, I like obsessing over what guitars/amps/pedals are being used and such, so my girl radar isn't exactly on when I go to concerts. I wish it had been though. There's one little problem; I don't really know how old she is. I'm 17, she might have been a little bit younger, I didn't get a very good look at her.
So I thought about maybe posting somewhere on reddit, but I decided not to. I thought about phoning the venue and asking a name or something, but I figured they either wouldn't give it to me or it would be in her moms name (who was there with her). I don't live in Paris, I live a quite a ways away, I wasn't sure if it would be worth asking her number.
But the day after I held so much regret for my decision not to talk to her a bit more.
**TL;DR** I should have asked a girl for her number.
Bonus: Do you think I should still bother? And if she's 13/14 or something?
[deleted]: The exact same thing happened to me when I was 16. I went to a concert for my favorite band and had one of those “love at first sight” moments that I’ve only had one other time in my life. I didn’t ask for the girl’s number, and I never saw her again.
It hurt like a hell for a little while, but it was an important life lesson. You can bet your ass I won’t forget how that felt ever again. I use it as motivation now.
LucasJims: Thats immediately what I thought. Samesies. I also thought that "I'll be damned if this happens again". From now on I'm going for it, all the time. Some bad will probably happen from this, but hopefully some good as well :)
FajitaofTreason: Not sure that "bad" will really ever come of it. You'll get rejected a bunch of times, but who cares?
| 4 | 2 | |
1341536116 | 1341775232 | t3_w3so2 | t5_2to41 | 79 | WoozyJoe: TIFU: Rubbed bleach all over my mom's brand new leather furniture.
My mom had me and my brothers cleaning the house. She was in the kitchen and we were taking care of the living room. Mom asks me to wipe down the brand spanking new all black, leather, wrap-around, expensive as hell couch. She told me to just grab a wet rag and go over it a few times to make it look nice.
So I go into the kitchen looking for a rag and see one in the sink, which was also filled with water. Awesome. I grab it, and the water feels really weird. It's sort of oily almost, and it felt thin. It's hard to explain, but I just ignored it.
So I wiped down the couch. And as soon as I'm done my mom walks in wide with a confused look on her face.
"Did you take that rag that was in the sink?"
"Yeah, why? Where you using it?"
"That rag was ***full of bleach!***"
We re-wiped it with water, but as of yet we don't know if it'll be ok or not.
**TL;DR** Cleaned my house, bleached the couch.
McBullseye: That oily feeling you get when you stick your hand in bleach is the top layer of your skin melting ;).
Good luck, hope the couch makes it!
virusporn: Err no. It's the oils on the surface of your skin turning to soap.
McBullseye: I have a abnormal immune system which means that sometimes my body overreacts in crazy ways to things. Poison Ivy is one of those things. I got it on my hands and they swelled and blistered to the point that my fingers were pushed apart to the maximum distance that the skin would allow.
Anyway, my less than medically savvy father with a very self sufficient streak decided that rather than seeing a doctor I should just soak my hands in bleach to, "dry out", the poison ivy. The end result being that I melted most of the skin off of my hands and still had crazy over the top poison ivy.
So when I say that bleach can melt skin, please understand that I am speaking from experience rather than just talking out my ass.
virusporn: Incorrect.
MarsupialBob: Actually, it's not implausible, though his explanation is wrong. The slippery feeling is, as you say, skin oils being turned into soap. Presuming McBullseye actually soaked his hands in standard household bleach (and not bleach in water), an appreciable amount of time could cause enough skin irritation for the top layers to begin to slough off. Especially with the skin already damaged by reaction to poison ivy.
>Can cause permanent skin damage. Symptoms may include redness,
burning, and swelling of skin, burns, and other skin damage.
Additional symptoms of skin contact may include: skin blistering,
hair loss, Passage of this material into the body through the skin
is possible, but it is unlikely that this would result in harmful
effects during safe handling and use.
| 6 | 13.166667 | |
1341539567 | 1342084512 | t3_w3vq0 | t5_2to41 | 23 | UsedToBeAUnicorn: TIFU by eating bananas not fit for human consumption
I some how managed to get bananas that were either past their expiration date or had been exposed to something. They seemed normal until I went to eat them for lunch at work. When I tried to peel one the top just sort of fell off. I didn't think anything of it even when I noticed that the fruit was very soft and had a slightly off flavor. I just figured that I had gotten a crappy bunch of bananas. I spent the last 4 hours of my shift vomiting in the restroom at work. The worst part is that I work in a pharmacy and all of the patients could hear me and probably though that I was contagious and would make them sick(er). I will probably avoid bananas for a long time and they had previously been my favorite fruit.
haymakers9th: so what dude you're gonna let one bad banana put you off the whole fruit? don't be a pussy. you're gonna miss out on a lot of potassium for what just a couple hours of vomiting. I'm ashamed to use the same subreddit as you.
jahrule: Cool your balls, it is natural to avoid something after it has caused you discomfort or pain in this case vomiting
DracoExpolire: Reddit seriously fails to take a fucking joke.
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1341554787 | 1341749800 | t3_w48zc | t5_2to41 | 359 | orphdurph: TIFU by pepper-spraying my suicidal ex-girlfriend
So today I tried to prevent my hysterical, suicidally depressed ex-girlfriend from running into oncoming traffic by pepper-spraying her. According to the police officers who arrived, the only time it is appropriate to use pepper spray is on someone that is a danger to you; not themself. She cried and cried and cried and once it wore off, she ran again. What a fucking day. Fuck. Fuck.
[deleted]: Ex-girlfriend's are ex's for a reason!
Sandbox47: Ex is homophone with axe for a reason.
EDIT: FTFM
Martholomule: It's... I mean, uh
I don't think it's a homonym
One is an Eh and one is an Ah
Maybe it depends where you're from?
Sandbox47: It's not? "Ex" ... "Axe" I think it is. Isn't it?
Telekineticism: Close, but no. Their/there/they're are homonyms since its impossible to tell them apart without context in a sentence. Ex and axe can be told apart if the person enunciates well enough.
Edit: homophones, not homonyms
Sandbox47: Their, there and they're are not homonyms. Their and there are very different in my mouth. And they're ... I don't see how that can be a homonym even a little.
Gr8WhiteGrammarNazi: Do you even speak English?
Sandbox47: Do you even speak speak French?
Try this: Say there. Now say they're. Now say their. Now say hippopotamus. Now say paraphernalia.
Gr8WhiteGrammarNazi: Yes, I speak French. I am typing this from France right now.
You have the entire internet at your disposal. Use some talking dictionaries (or basic ones with transcriptions) and look it up.
Sandbox47: So you're telling me that if you hear someone say "There" you will genuinely be unable to tell which of the their, there, they're it is? Maybe it's just me, but I can always tell a difference between them. I can, on the other hand, not heat a difference between axe and ex.
Though to be fair, when talking about an axe, the context, I feel, should be enough.
Gr8WhiteGrammarNazi: Look, all Reddit snarkiness aside, I promise you that there, their, and they're are perfect homophones, and that axe and ex have different vowel sounds. If you look up the words and their transcriptions, you will see this. I assume you're not a native speaker, but trust us native Anglophones.
Thus, I promise you that you can't hear a difference when native Anglophones say them, because there ain't none.
EDIT: do not respond to this post without having looked up the relevant transcriptions.
Sandbox47: Done. I dunno. I still say that I can always tell between there and they're. I've never been in a position where I was confused as to which of the words someone used. I have, on the other hand, confused axe with ex a surprising amount of times.
Gr8WhiteGrammarNazi: You can tell the difference from context, not pronunciation. I never confuse them aurally, because I speak English. And if you confuse axe and ex, your English pronunciation isn't good.
Sandbox47: No, I mean have you ever heard people talking in the mall and they mention how bad their ex smells and you wonder which one they are talking about? Or when a friend of yours mentions that their axe got out of control at the bbq. You see the problem?
Gr8WhiteGrammarNazi: I meant "there/their/they're" is only from context---"axe/ex" is **100%** easy to distinguish aurally. Again, your aural English skills need sharpening. Practice with some natives.
Sandbox47: You seem to be sad that you can't correct me because I know that I'm right and am ready to go to any lengths to prove it. Don't worry, this will never affect you. Just don't mix there and they're, sometimes it causes awkward questions.
Gr8WhiteGrammarNazi: It's fine, just go ask literally anyone else.
http://www.spelling.hemscott.net/homophones1.htm
http://www.writingforward.com/grammar/homophones/homophones-theyre-there-and-their
http://www.superteacherworksheets.com/homophones.html
http://learnyourdamnhomophones.com/
http://www.saintambrosebarlow.wigan.sch.uk/Y5Spelling/homophones1.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homonym
http://www.enchantedlearning.com/english/homonyms/
Sandbox47: Question everything.
| 19 | 18.894737 | |
1341561980 | 1341591366 | t3_w4d27 | t5_2to41 | 58 | Kmodek: TIFU: Called my crush a Roly-Poly AND flashed him & his daughter boob when my swimsuit fell down.
Long story, but I totally didn't mean he LOOKS like a Roly-Poly, but it just came out in a split-second blurb. What's worse is that he's really self conscious about his weight right now.
We were in the pool and throwing a ball around. I jumped up to grab it and my top fell down & when I looked over to see if he saw it, he & his daughter were looking at each other looking embarrassed and nervously chuckling.
Complete FAIL for the day. I feel like a total ass.
[deleted]: Your crush looks like [this](http://www2.sluh.org/bioweb/nh/arthropod.php?id=23)?
I'm very confused.
Kmodek: It was just so random and stupid, that's why I feel like such a dork.
[deleted]: Ha ha, at least you got internet points out of it. And I'm sure that he doesn't care and it's even possible that he is nervous about what you think about him. He's probably intimidated that you had the guts to call him a roly-poly to his face.
Kmodek: Well, to make it worse, I used to weigh 280 lbs, had surgery, and now I weigh 145. (I'm 5'9", so I'm pretty skinny now.) I'm totally not one to make fun of fat people because I WAS so fat, and this makes me seem like a bitch who hates fatties.
[deleted]: That's hilarious, I hope everything goes well for you.
| 6 | 9.666667 | |
1341596388 | 1342139535 | t3_w4z9t | t5_2to41 | 65 | NickWasHere09: TIFU: Boss didn't understand reddit and I got "fired"
So I had a required internship for my college major. It required 240 hours, which I finished last week, but I stayed on to finish several projects. My original end date was supposed to be next Friday. Well, today my boss surprised me and said I would have my final evaluation and I would be done. During the eval, he mentioned how I didn't have the required integrity for his department. I flinched and wondered what I did wrong. He pulls up my reddit page, massive red flag, and reads off a post from /r/circlejerk. A post I made about him, outside the office. He was pissed. I explained that it was supposed to be a joke and apologized that he didn't interpret it that way. "I know it wasn't a joke so just stop." was his only reply. Then he told me I wasn't mature enough to work in this industry and I needed to shape up or I'd never make it.
TL;DR Boss somehow found my reddit page, thought /r/circlejerk was serious business, dismissed me from my internship.
BEBHaven: How the fuck did your boss get your Reddit username?
NickWasHere09: I still don't know. I think someone in IT saw the post on my user page the next day and ratted me out.
thatslife1234: You do know that in many companies IT can see everything you access on the net eh? You boss could simply be thinking, wonder if Nick's be spending too much time just surfing, "Hey IT, can I get Nick's internet history please?" They pull it right off the server.
Also did you know pretty much every IM program out there except skype can be monitored. Get yourself a smart phone and stop doing ANYTHING personal on work computers.
| 4 | 16.25 | |
1341605147 | 1341610076 | t3_w58gb | t5_2to41 | 65 | [deleted]: TIFU: It's a rather shitty ordeal.
Okay so I'm out having a walk pondering the latest pitfalls of my life. when I realize that I have walked at least ten miles from my house my body decides the we are going to take a shit RIGHT NOW. I then manage to hold it in most of the way home when I find myself standing at the end of one of the busiest roads in the city and only a stones throw from home when I suddenly have the most violent and plentiful diarrhea of my life for the people sitting outside the diner to see. For the people stuck in traffic right beside to see and for everyone else on the sidewalk to see. Moreover The wind was blowing the stench straight into the faces of everyone walking behind me. Who could also plainly see the moist brown stain all over the ass and the back of the right leg of my trousers. But apart from that the smell would put a field of slurry to shame. But it made me feel a lot better to think that these people have no right to act so disgusted and dignified for they were once squeezed head first through someones vagina and I am sure that some of them have too shit their pants.
tl;dr I shit my pants.
Edit: But the real tragedy is that I couldn't salvage my hot sexy transformers underwear so I had to throw them out.
dmuns: Hopefully you didn't react like [Jerry](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gIF0UCFd3FM)!
jacqueofalltrades: royalty!
| 3 | 21.666667 | |
1341606605 | 1341614426 | t3_w59z3 | t5_2to41 | 151 | StormySan: TIFU by losing control of a motorbike
So I've wanted to learn how to ride a motorbike for years, but it's one of those things I've inadvertantly put off for one reason or another.
This month, I finally got around to booking my learner test! (CBT in the UK (Compulsory Basic training before you think of the dirty initialism :P)) Nervous but excited, went to the training centre, spent the day being taught about maneuvers, rules of the road, riding bikes around the track, all that jazz. And it was brilliant.
The last part of the day's training was a 2-hour ride, with an instructor, around actual roads. All went pretty well, U-turns no problem, getting up to 30mph on clearer stretches, all good.
Then, we start to head back. I'm third in line, behind the instructor and the other learner up front. Left uphill turn. I loose the clutch a little as I'm falling behind... and...
I hit a patch of water running down the road, the bike aquaplanes, and slides out to my right. As it slips, the movement forces the throttle open, and it spins out. I get dumped off to the left, my shoulder lands first, hard.
Yay for helmets and decent gear! I drag the bike out of the road and make sure it's all switched off and on its stand. Then the pain starts.
4 hours later and I'm home, with a broken arm from the fall, and no house keys, wallet or phone as they'd all been left at the training centre. And tonight is a friend's birthday party which is going to be quite a large affair, which I'll now miss.
Bugger.
ScramblePoo: So... Did you pass?
StormySan: Hah! My assumption is no, given that I crashed hard enough to require a hospital trip ;)
That said though, haven't really thought about it. I mean technically it might be possible? *shrugs* either way, I'll not be riding for a good few months anyway now, but I may enquire.
ScramblePoo: Well, to be fair it sounds like the sort of crash that was just unlucky and not down to your negligence plus you did so well the rest of the test. So is it just a one day course then you take the test?
StormySan: One day course - It's a legal requirement in the UK to take it in order to ride a motorbike on the road by yourself. It's what you need *before* you can have your learner plates :)
It's not so much a test per se, it's training - intended to ensure you're competent. If at the end of the day the instructor isn't happy that you'd be safe on the road, you'll need to recomplete the training.
I'll wait and see what happens, but I won't hold my hopes up ;)
| 5 | 30.2 | |
1341638347 | 1341671424 | t3_w610d | t5_2to41 | 919 | FUS_RO_yay: TIFU: Got jizz in my nose
Earlier today I was hanging out at my boyfriend's house. We were there alone, everyone had gone to movie. My boyfriend had told me he was going to take a leak about an hour earlier, so I'd gotten out his laptop to lurk on Reddit. I started to get a bit concerned and wondering what was taking so long. So, I walked into the bathroom to find him furiously fapping on the toilet seat. When he saw me, he looked a bit embarrassed. (Even though we've shared sexytimes before.) I smiled at him and asked if I could join in on the fun to which he replied yes. I got on my knees and lowered my head, ready to help, but I guess he was already at the point of no return. A huge glob of cum sprayed out of his penis and shot up my nose, much to his amusement. I spent two hours getting that shit out of my nostrils while he just kept laughing.
TL;DR Caught boyfriend fapping, tried to help, got a nose full of erection juice.
(Btw, this was my first post on Reddit, so.) :D
EDIT: Fixed it to make everything a bit more detailed.
rawfulwaffle: I LAUGHED AT YOUR MISFORTUNE
FUS_RO_yay: As did I. I applaud your wonderful sense of humor!
scapeplan: Off topic but: is your username a reference to My Little Pony?
FUS_RO_yay: It is indeed.
siegewolf: Helping out another animal is a very fluttershy thing to do I say.
FUS_RO_yay: You're Going To LOVE ME^ifyou'reokaywiththat
DontSayAlot: If you want to put spaces in between words in superscript, you just ^put ^a ^caret ^in ^fromt ^of ^each ^word.
| 8 | 114.875 | |
1341370770 | 1341804954 | t3_w0hb0 | t5_2to41 | 7 | freshtweak: TIFU - Lost my wallet, but where?
Long story short, went to mates house to help him move. We got a tad hungry, so I offered to go and buy pizza for us both, went to get the pizza and came straight back. Bout an hour later realised I had lost my wallet not in the house because we had actually started moving anything in yet so it was completely empty.
-£130
Good fight me.
b-luder: Go back to the pizza place and see if they found it.
freshtweak: I did not to be found. Hopefully someone with a real need for it found it and it made their day.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1341649059 | 1341678044 | t3_w672g | t5_2to41 | -4 | OpusMioda: TIFU by getting arrested for harassment I don't remember.. then I had to work for 8 hours after release
So, I was out drinking last night and was having a few after work drinks by myself. The next thing I remember was coming to in a holding cell, scared, and hungover like no other. I then had to go right to work after I was released. Now, after release I had to go to work and I had a chance to talk to my GF.. I told her (20yo), that I might have harassed a female bartender.. she thinks the worse and presumes I was hitting on other girls.. Now she and I are having issues... telling her the truth about this situation was a mistake.. now I have lost moral superiority once again and this means im getting fricked.. or not. =\
incen: Please inform your girlfriend that she is mad at you for telling the truth, thus implying that she would prefer you to a) lie about regrettable things you do, or b) stop regretting (possibly) hitting on other girls.
Legion299: I don't know him but I think she's one of those people who constantly ignores every logical reason coming thru her just because she's completely convinced herself otherwise.
| 3 | -1.333333 | |
1341660698 | 1341684602 | t3_w6b1t | t5_2to41 | 67 | MaartBox: TIFU by playing the sounds of orgasm to a hall full of children.
I volunteer at a local drama/theater group. It's nothing big, I just supervise and help with sets. Today the kids (ages range from 6-18) were practicing a dance routine to go with the musical we're doing. I had no part in this, and opted to listen to music.
Since musicals were relevant, I put on the song by Avenue Q- 'You can be as loud as the hell you want when you're making love' (Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dq1m2lAEnis) where there's about 30 seconds of orgasm noises and moaning at the start of it.
Unbeknownst to myself, the headphones were so bad the sound was projected more into the room rather than into my ears. One of the little'uns wanted the music off because they could hear something funny. They turned off the music they were dancing to, and strained themselves to listen for the tinny sound of 'URGH, AHHH, PUT YOUR FINGER THERE, FASTER'.
I don't think I've ever been more embarrassed. It's still a good song though.
kpatterson14206: The fact that a song like that even exists makes me face palm.
IDangleFreely: Anyone else but Avenue Q and i'd agree with you.
InvalidObjects: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JLY8MyyRJYo#t=1m20s
| 4 | 16.75 | |
1341681434 | 1341835073 | t3_w6mxg | t5_2to41 | 74 | mj123: TIFU by hitting my little brother in the testicles with a toy car.
We were putting away his hot wheels and apparently he launched one across the house, about fifteen feet from where we were playing. I got up and went to grab the car, mind you, these are hot wheels and it was a heavier one, and I threw it to him. Well..I threw it overhand and it went past his hands and boom...sobbing hunched over six year old.
SpacedWizard: Gotta make em used to it for middle school and high school anyway
mems_account: Sac tap tuesday...
mj123: *involuntary shudder* We were real dicks!
| 4 | 18.5 | |
1341688052 | 1341759651 | t3_w6sdy | t5_2to41 | 66 | [deleted]: TIFU a potentially phenomenal relationship
Long story short: he's the tattoo apprentice. I'm the body piercer. Dating is not allowed. But we are stupidly attracted to each other and have been secretly hanging out.
Today I am already very emotional due to being a lady and having woman troubles, and he says, "We need to talk."
OH GOOD I LOVE THAT.
Get a text saying we should just be friends. Naturally, I flip out and won't talk to him. He gets mad at my reaction and won't talk to me.
Turns out he meant we should take things slow because he has strong feelings for me.
Aren't I just so smooth?
Scoled321: Moral... Stop texting, start talking.
Rhythm-Malfunction: truer words have never been spoken.
[deleted]: Done so through text and no actual speaking.
| 4 | 16.5 | |
1341694043 | 1341740385 | t3_w6xho | t5_2to41 | 17 | bigdumbdrunkidiot: TIFU- Got pulled over for a DUI
Dear Reddit,
Today (technically a few days ago... 4th of July) I got really drunk with my friends, and after napping for a few hours because I was so drunk I decided I was hungry. There's a McDonalds no more than a mile from my house and it's late enough at this point in the day (11 pm) that I can't walk in to the main part of the restaurant, so I "had" to drive.
Needless to say, even after napping for 2 hours, I was still quite wasted. My friends and I are all pretty good about not letting each other drive drunk. They kept asking me if I was ok and stuff. I thought I was.
WRONG. I got pulled over for swerving around too much I guess (memories are little hazy. it all happened so fast). Right outside the McDonalds too. I knew as soon as I got pulled over that I was basically fucked, so I cooperated with the officer, did everything he asked me to do.
To make an overly long post a little bit shorter, I ended up getting arrested and spending the night in jail.
And to top it all off, I have no job (this happened before the dui) and the legal fees plus the fines I'm going to have to pay will make it really difficult to move to my new job. Which will also be difficult since I'm probably going to lose my license (at least for one month, then restricted after that.)
Now when I say legal fees, I'm not trying to get off. I'm just looking to make sure I can make the best of a really really bad situation. All I'm looking for really is to be able to keep my license so I can relocate for my new job, for which I have to be able to drive.
I'm not even mad about the fact I got caught at this point. I'm just really disappointed in myself because I've always been really anal about people, especially myself, drinking and driving. The other annoyances in my life lately aren't helping either
So let me hear it. I know I deserve it. I just needed to vent a little bit.
Michi_THE_Awesome: You F'ed up. You've got a lawyer or a public defender right? Maybe you can strike up a deal where you admit your stupidity and you do community service ,but you get to keep your license. Try to explain how you really, really, need this job. Maybe they could just skip to restricted for a longer period of time. And never,ever do this again. No matter how OK, you think you are, you're not. IMO it's best not to do anything requiring cognitive thought w/in the last 6-8 (the longer the better) of your last alcoholic beverage.
[deleted]: no chance. I seen the legal process for a few DUIs. DUI punishments are precise and never change. no getting off easy. probably a good thing.
Michi_THE_Awesome: Well, looks like you're a little screwed. Got a bike?
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1341704608 | 1342069333 | t3_w76fw | t5_2to41 | 463 | ShirleyFunke482: TIFU by causing a huge delay in my surgery due to eating one m&m
I woke up early in the morning, the bag was on the counter and I ate one without thinking. Flash forward 3 hours, the anesthesiologist was about to put me under when my mom blurted out my mistake. He consulted the surgeon, and I was forced to wait around for another 4 hours. Although one of the nurses confessed to me that if it were her, she would've made it count and eaten the whole bag at that point
revolvingdoor: Mine was an emergency appendectomy, I had forced myself to eat a chicken sandwich 8 hrs earlier. The knockout doc said "WE ARE DOING THIS ONE FULL!" to all the other docs.
darthelmo: Obviously, you lived through the experience. Any difficulties because of having eaten?
BeastWith2Backs: Yes, in my case it was because there was a possibility of my intestines being nicked. It's easier to clean up if there's nothing inside. However if your intestines has ANYTHING in them you could get an infection and things get severely complicated. Luckily nothing went wrong and it was not an issue.
darthelmo: Glad you made it through okay. Thanks!
BeastWith2Backs: Not a problem. Yeah, I was hungry as hell when I woke up. When they gave me a Popsicle I was the happiest person alive. :)
darthelmo: The Joy of a Popsicle! Coming soon, to a theatre near you!
BeastWith2Backs: But it didn't have a joke on the stick. I was heavily medicated and knew only one way to fix this travesty: to tell jokes to the nurses. Nonsensical jokes with miss-matched punch lines.
Flying_Assassin: *"Hey, yea- yeah, you. How many alzheim- ers patients does it take to screw in a.. lightbulb?"*
Nurse: "Well, I'm not sure..."
*"TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE!"*
BeastWith2Backs: Why did the golfer carry two pairs of pants?
*Because it scared the crap out of thier dogs!*
I was quickly discharged.
| 10 | 46.3 | |
1341478120 | 1341725797 | t3_w2irr | t5_2to41 | 14 | Kw1q51lv3r: TIFU by making fun of a friend's comment and going against her in a "debate" whilst she was in a bad mood
Okay... Not exactly today, as it was actually a few weeks ago, but I think the situation and the result still applies.
A friend of mine shared on facebook one of those copypasta medical info-graphs with no citations that health nuts love to share around. I was sceptical (after all, a good info-graphic should cite all reference material) of its information's authenticity, but agreed with the general premise (that coca-cola is horrible as a general-consumption liquid). Along comes a guy (also my friend) who takes the stance of cynical critic. Since he was arguing from a logical and scientifically-minded standpoint, and she (the picture sharer) was really cynical of established scientific and medicinal institutions, I had to take his side. she was acting normally towards me until I poked fun at her for using a measurement of length to describe a volumetric amount. Of course, by that time the conversation was already going downhill, and she ended the conversation by saying she didn't want anything more to do with us because even though she could post evidence to support her case, we wouldn't believe it. This was partly because she felt we were attacking her for her alternative health lifestyle (she was a vegetarian by that time and had already given up sodas, and was planning on going vegan. She's a smart person, by the way, and she really did feel much better after the dietary switch. She isn't a bandwagoner. Won't be surprised if I see her supporting PETA down the road, though, due to her love for animals.) She gave us the profile banhammer soon afterwards.
I came away from that feeling like I looked like an asshole in that thread, and that's been hanging around my head ever since.
darthelmo: If you want to salvage, make the effort. You needn't apologize for your skepticism—that's a reasonable thing.
Kw1q51lv3r: Thanks. to be honest, I'm not even going to try to salvage it. I was pretty much cheesed off by her attitude towards my friend's scepticism, because it absolutely reeked of butthurt.
darthelmo: Why so?
Kw1q51lv3r: For one, she was starting to bring personal anecdote into a conversation about the scientific validity of the claims made by the image she shared, and acted as though she had to defend herself against attacks on her chosen lifestyle, which we were not even doing.
darthelmo: Oh, I see now. You just can't win that sort of argument.
How about this—cool off for a couple of days and see how things stand? It seems she is/was just too close to the issue and took personally things not meant to be personal.
Unless you just really think the situation warrants not doing so. It's easy for me to say these things not being involved....
Kw1q51lv3r: I don't know, that argument took place weeks ago, and she had been a vegetarian for months before that. Even then, she still took quite a bit of offense to anti-vegetarian jokes, and was badmouthing meat-eating animal lovers. I personally don't think she'll have cooled down by now.
darthelmo: I guess you can't fix stupid. ;-) Have a sympathy upvote.
Kw1q51lv3r: Merci beaucoup.
| 9 | 1.555556 | |
1341735851 | 1341787371 | t3_w7rux | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by going to an underage party and getting my car smashed. Any advice (insurance-wise)?
I'm 20 years old, there was a big party at someone's house and a bunch of people went (Maybe 90 at peak hour). I'd say I didn't know about 1/3 of the guys. Somebody who I didn't know asked me to move my car (I was blocking him in, there were about 30 cars in this guy's backyard) when I noticed that my windows and spoiler were broken off.
The spoiler is in tact, it looks like they somehow just yanked it off. You can't just snap is back on. The windows are shattered. I was also drinking, but I only had a couple beers very early in the night and waited around 3-4 hours before I drove home.
I know of at least one other person who also has their windows broken off their car.
I told practically everyone there about it, and of course, nobody fessed up to it or knew who did it, although multiple people said they saw the damage after it had been done. Mostly all the guys I asked about it were my friends from highschool, but it seems like at least 1/4 of the guys at one point were people from around town that nobody was really friends with, so the assumption is that it was one of them. Nobody knows what car I drive, even my friends from home, since I just got this car before the last school year started, so I don't think it was directed at me intentionally.
What am I supposed to do? The car is under my name as well as my parents, and they don't know about it yet. Although in about 6 hours they probably will... What should I do to reduce damage costs? (I have insurance but still, I doubt this will be free)
Citadel_97E: Call the insurance company, your rates will go up. Or just pay for the damage.
You shouldn't be drinking underage and stop going to parties like that.
osminog: This is a non-fault comprehensive loss. Unless you have a ton of these in short period it won't cause your rates to go up as long as you have a decent Insurance company.
| 3 | 2 | |
1341773114 | 1341857890 | t3_w8arz | t5_2to41 | 617 | axelblaise: TIFU by pushing my sister off my roof
my dad hurt his back this morning so i had to fix the chimney myself, half way through my sister came up with some Gatorade for me i took it and opened it and i saw my sister off balance at the edge of the ladder so i lunged over to grab her and ended up over jumping it and tackling her off the edge
UPDATE:* k the nurse finally let us see her she okay she only broke her leg she can come home tomorrow morning
loldan: Were you upset she gave you G2 or something?
BiblioPhil: Worse, Gatorade [All Stars](http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51%2BpiYkwiML.01._SR300,300_.jpg)
ShirleyFunke482: Even worse, one of the Rain flavors
Dromoro: Oh god not the rain flavors... ANYTHING BUT THEM.
DisputablyGreen: She deserved getting tackled off a roof, at the VERY least.
[deleted]: I actually like all of those, however, the Cucumber flavored one can go fuck itself.
DisputablyGreen: Oh god. Fuck that one. Had it once in Austin and bought three or four bottles so I could share how awful it is.
I am not a good friend...
scottstephenson: No, you're a *great* friend.
If you find something that horrible, it needs to be known, so it can be avoided.
Like the new Cucumber Lime flavor... blech.
Edit: Seems I thought there was a cucumber rain flavor before cucumber lime.
Regardless, cucumber needs to stay the hell out of my Gatorade.
[deleted]: It looks like the only gatorade you people like is the original red...
sherlip: Red, Yellow and Orange. Blue and Purple can suck it.
jxnpope12: Light Blue is the shit
| 12 | 51.416667 | |
1341780508 | 1341796324 | t3_w8hdj | t5_2to41 | 36 | emerswag: TIFU by getting completely shitfaced and cussing out my friends
Alcohol has a history of doing great things for me (getting me girls), but I must've hit my limit because while I have little to no memory of it, I spent a 20 minute car ride cussing out two of my best friends (girls) while they were driving me home.
vyto18: Be glad all you did was yell. Sometimes people (even girls) can shake off drunken yelling since the brain loses all logic at that point.
And may I point out as well that you should be glad they drove you home. If you ended up driving yourself it would have been DUI city for you.
Just apologize. They might say "oh it's ok you were drunk" but deep down they'll appreciate the apology.
emerswag: Yeah, that's what I ended up doing. They were forgiving but didn't exactly take it laughing. Oh well, at least I didn't "shit on anyone while having sex" or "throw my mom's kindle in a lake". Glad I found this subreddit.
truestoryrealtalk: Yup, now whenever I fuck up I compare it to stuff I see here and it seems pretty minor, yay.
| 4 | 9 | |
1341790230 | 1341799694 | t3_w8q8n | t5_2to41 | 102 | ChickenStrip23: TIFU by bleeding my heart out to my ex girlfriend on her facebook wall.
Well, we broke up nearly a month ago.She hardly talked to me anymore and although we were technically still friends she pretty much cut me off. It's been hard trying to get over her and everything but I was starting to move on and such. And then last night I just had a sudden urge to tell her I missed her. So I decided to post a sincere comment on her wall about how much I missed her, rather than a discrete and private message and BAM! I didn't really care what anyone else thought about what I said until she texted me asking what the whole post was about. I told her I just missed her and in a kinda IDGAF attitude I told her delete it if you want, no big deal. And then she responded by saying she was getting endless messages from people about how sweet my message was and that they were blaming her for being cruel and breaking up with me. To be fair, she did break up with me and cut me off but I was the one to blame. She told me what people were saying and how they were blaming her was bullshit, that she deserved to be happy too and she finally was. And suddenly my cockiness vanished because I didn't care about people thought of me when I posted that stupid status but now I had made her look bad. Even deleting it made her look like the bad guy. So in trying to be ballsy and romantic and shit, TIFU my fragile friendship with my ex girlfriend.
stormtide311: it sucks man it took me a year almost to get over my x-gf and this was after she messed up and we hooked up a few times. She went from being in love with me to a complete 180 with in a few days. I tried like you did to call her or contact her and she just would shut everything out.
Well I havent talked to her in four years and this year she tried getting in contact with me to see how I was doing. I've been doing absolutely amazing with out her in my life. I have a new gf and I am kicking ass at my business.
Anyways she got in contact with me because her recent bf decided to beat her up pretty badly and throw her out in to the streets. She asked if I could help her out because she was starving so I did. I then once again tried to fix things for the hundredth time only to find out she was just going to shut me out again and drop all forms of contact. I havent talked to her now in months.
[deleted]: maybe things are better off without her. It is very bad that her bf beat her and i give you respect, and an upvote for helping her out when she needed it but thats terrible she cut you off again so fast
stormtide311: thing is she was also I believe lying to me about being jobless. Shes got me blocked on Facebook and I checked her account on another account I have (confusing lol sorry). It said she worked at a Ruby Tuesdays which I asked her about when I talked to her on the phone.
She seemed confused and angry when I asked because she knew she was caught in a lie.
| 4 | 25.5 | |
1341792528 | 1341808970 | t3_w8sad | t5_2to41 | 25 | [deleted]: TIFU: A momentary brainfreeze brought down my constructed lie
So I'm getting ready to go on a backpacking trip, and I get to the local bus stop to take a bus to my friend's place from where we begin. I see this gorgeous girl there looking lost, and I try to act cool when she approaches me to ask if I know what bus to take to get to a place. I hesitate and being a natural liar that I am, tell her I'm new to the city as well. My backpack definitely helped. We converse about how the people aren't very friendly and how the signs in local language make it impossible for a visitor to get around. We get along really well, exchange numbers and I offer to share a taxi with her. We flag a taxi down, and here is the moment of brainfreeze: I speak to the taxi driver fluently in the local language.
TL;DR I met a girl new to my city, pretended to be a recent migrant myself to strike a conversation and succumbed to my instinct of speaking the local language.
[edit] I messaged her an apology with a genuine offer to show her around, and she accepted. All's well that ends well.
[deleted]: So... eh.. what? She just *assumed* that you were lying?! What a bitch.
What you could own Rosetta Stone or some shit. Fuck her.
gedgaroo: OP specifically states that they had a conversation about how the signs in the local language make it difficult to get around. Admittedly, he could have been expressing sympathy for her plight, but the context of the conversation (and the statement that he was in fact lying) implies that he was pretending not to know the language. Therefore, when he proved that he did know the language, he was caught in his lie. Therefore, he fucked up.
She just understood that she had been lied to earlier in the conversation. He was being a bastard by lying to her. She was acting as anyone who has been obviously lied to.
She could be a normal person or some shit. Fuck people who lie to get an opening with someone.
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1341812167 | 1342242254 | t3_w9aci | t5_2to41 | 360 | cometpaste: TIFU by chopping habaneros and forgetting to wash my hands before i went piss.
Decided to make super spicy chicken wings that require habaneros, jalapenos and some thai chili peppers. So i proceeded to chop them and placed them aside while i prepared the chicken for frying. Few minutes later put the chicken in the fryer when i suddenly felt the urge to piss. So i went with some sense of urgency so i could keep an eye on the chicken. Did my business and there i was back with the chicken when i started feeling this tingly sensation on my dick which soon escalated to a burning sensation. Started panicking and ran to the shower. tried to wash with cold water helped a little but not much. Anyway numerous methods to try and ease the burning later i found myself in the kitchen with my dick in a glass of milk.
fae7: did it help, you know, the dick in milk?
cometpaste: It did actually. Was no cure but eased the burning sensation.
My_Cool_Name: Did you drink it afterwards?
Rocketbird: He added *his own milk* first.
yapb: Oh Peter, that's just nasty.
supergalactic: I read that with his voice in my head
yapb: It's a shame, because a lot of people don't get the reference, which astounds me. I was under the impression that the vast majority of the population watched that show.
Edit: misplaced punctuation
| 8 | 45 | |
1341815374 | 1341821885 | t3_w9cqb | t5_2to41 | 22 | Calduin: TIFU:Realized I wasn't over the only girl I've loved after seeing her again 6 weeks after we broke up, and then blowing up on her.
This didn't actually happen today, it was 2 weeks ago. I'm a graduate student conducting field research for my thesis in China, the time I have in China is around 1 year. I met my ex-gf in the university I am doing research in 6 months ago. We both knew I wasn't staying for the long term, but we had some chemistry so we decided to just be happy together with the time we had. I'm the more realistic type so I laid it out clear to her, my time here was limited and our relationship probably won't last after I leave, but I hope it would last until the final moment I leave and that I would never be the one to say we are breaking up. I gave her the option to say she had enough and break up with me whenever she wanted, I would accept it without a fight. I should also mention in the beginning she was much more in love with me than I was in her. I only liked her and wanted to see where this would be going.
5 months into the relationship, she sends a text message saying she was ready to break up with me, she was ready to be alone, and she still really liked me but it was getting tiring counting the days until I left. The event that started this path to break up was 2 weeks before the text message. I live off campus, she lived in the dorms, she asked me 2 weeks before this if she could move in with me until the day I left. I was finishing up me research and writing my thesis at this time, so I told her to wait 2 weeks until May before I gave her my answer. She interpreted this as me saying no she could not move in with me (language issues).
2 weeks passed, I had to go to another city to looking into a trade fair for research, when I came back I texted her to meet up with me. In the two weeks we spent apart, while I was doing research and writing my thesis, I thought hard about her moving in with me. I came to the conclusion I had grown to love her in the time we spent together and I did want to spend the rest of my time in China(about 3 months) with her. She was the first girl I can truly say I loved in my life, unfortunately for me, past instances in my youth involving infatuation and heartbreak led me to close myself off from seeking fulfilling relationships. She was the only one in roughly ten years whom I've allowed to fall this deep for. I was going to tell her that when I met her but that's when she texted me she was ready to break up. I was devastated, I told her it was a mature decision she made, I respected it, and hope to stay friends. I thought it was for her own good, and she was thinking rationally about our relationship. At this point I haven't seen her in 2 weeks, after breaking up with me over text message I didn't see her again until 6 weeks later.
6 weeks later here we are, she contacts me asking for me help. At this point I've already found out from friends she got another boyfriend 4 weeks after we broke up. She asks me for a place to stay and a loan to help replace something her mother gave her and was stolen. It was a necklace. A few months ago she lost another piece of jewelry her mother had given her and her mother hit her with her keys. I ask to see her before I decided. When I saw her I immediately knew I wasn't over her, we hugged, kissed, and walked around for hours during the evening, while I decided what to do. I decided to help her, her family is rich but she only gets allowance when she asks them for something. I would help her replace her jewelry and she would ask her parents for money to go on "vacation" but in reality she would stay with me.
The next day I give her the loan, but she tells me while she's staying with me we can only be friends and no more. She doesn't want to feel guilty towards her family and boyfriend, she doesn't want to anger her parents any more. Her boyfriend turned out to be someone her parent's has been arranging for her to marry for a long time. He's the son of a family friend, a second generation rich in China. The whole time she was with me she's been avoiding her arranged marriage, and her parents has been extremely angry at her. They met twice since we broke up and she finally agreed to go along with her parents wishes. Her friends and family had been pressuring her to break up with me the whole time we were together but I never knew. Her family finally threatened to cut her off, take away her apartment, car, and financial support if she did not break up with me. I didn't know any of this until last week.
After she tells me she can only be friends with me during the time we're together and we cannot do anything girlfriend boyfriend related, I blew up on her. I said things like, I might not be able to restrain myself, you never loved me, you only came to me for help because you knew I'd do it out of love for you, you're doing this on purpose to torture me, I wish I could hate you, etc,etc. Normally i'm a cool and rational person, but having her next to me and not being able to be her boyfriend was torture. I couldn't handle it anymore. I lost it. She went back to her parents house the next day. They've figured out she saw me, now they have her locked up and under watch. They've sent her to her bf/fiance's family house, I tried contacting her only to have her bf/fiance answer and said they will never let me see her. That I cannot be her friend. When she can get away from their eyes she contacts me saying she will definately see me before I leave.
After losing my cool with her, I went for a bike ride, cooled my head. I've calmed down enough to rationally think things through, I've given her up, but I still love her. I talked with a friend and they told me that loving someone and being in love with someone is two different things, love someone means you truly care about them, being in love with someone means you want to be with them forever. I love her but I'm not in love anymore. I cannot offer her a secure future at this point, her parents, her friends are all against us. I can however still be her friend, support her, and wish for her happiness. I have since been in contact with her when people aren't watching and found out she was waiting for me to chase after her after she broke up with me. I regret not doing so and now that I look back, the hints were all there but I was drowning in my own depression to notice. We have scheduled to meet once more before I leave to settle everything, our feelings, our debts, and to bring our relationship full circle. I truly just want to see her one last time, so I can thank her for everything she's done for me in my life, and that she will always be an important person in my life.
tldr: met the only girl I've ever truly loved in my life, broke up by text after 5 months, she asks for help, I find out she has a new bf and arranged marriage, and then I lose my cool the last time I saw her.
Legion299: holy wall of text... it's okay... I prepared my trusty pickax and chicken sandwich... time to dig thru
edit: okay that was a smooth ride, tough luck man, seriously though it sounds like a Drama movie! in China there are a lot of traditions about "Arranged marriage" I guess you already know that in ancient Chinese times almost every time there would be arranged marriages especially if it is a wealthy family and sometimes the couple arranged barely knows each other. fucking ridiculous if you'd ask me about the whole "lock down and cut off from family" bullshit seriously.
I'm Chinese myself and I find it's stupid that such thing exist and still continues to exist up to this day
best of luck and I hope you find someone who will fill that gap ;)
Calduin: I thought to myself that it was like a korean drama as well, except I don't expect a fairytale ending in this one. She was suppose to meet the guy several times while we were together, each time she got into a shouting match with her parents and ran away to my place. At the time I didn't know the exact reason she was running to my place, just that she was arguing with her parents. I'm guessing from her parent's past experience with her, they legitimately fear she will run away with me. She and I both know that's a long shot, I'm a extremely rational person, and I made it clear I was not ready for marriage and that I didn't know how the future would turn out for us. However everything might change if and when I actually see her, rationality might fly ouy the window again.
I'm also of the same mind that lock down and cut off is bullshit, her parents don't want her to pursue her dreams and leave the country, they want her to get married to this guy, stay home, and become a rich kept lady. Since finding out she's met up with me, they've accelerated things and set up more meetings between the two families. She's been a princess her whole life, before me she never cooked, never cleaned, never had a job, or any realistic dreams. From my conversation with her bf that one time he took her phone, he seems extremely Chinese and insecure. He said chinese people can never be friends with people they broke up with, that she's already his, and she can never see me again.
She's really indecision, saying she just wants her own life, but she can't live on her own, she can't live without her parents financial support, she can't live a poor life. She's sent me messages saying she's unhappy with the situation, but she will bear with it as long as she can to keep her parents happy. She said one day she might show up on my doorstep if she can no longer bear with it. I worry that she will be unhappy, I really hope she will find happiness. My heart is at peace, I'm not tortured by the fact she isn't with me anymore, I've given up on being in love with her. I know it's sappy but I really want to thank her for letting me know I still can fall in love.
Legion299: Thanks the story, especially since you say you're very rational, I often think myself very rational, logical and open-minded aswell, I'll try to avoid this in the future when I get into a relationship.
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1341810206 | 1341892036 | t3_w98pz | t5_2to41 | 20 | WiceMan: TIFU:I broke many plates at work today
It wouldn't have sucked if it I didn't break them consecutively throughout the day as opposed to a 1 time thing.
KnightKrawler: First dropped plate: Nobody notices.
Second: One or two weird looks.
Third: Entire kitchen starts clapping.
WiceMan: First:few people who didn't care noticed
Second:was during a rush and most people were busy, cleaned it fast enough
Third:near the end of the shift and everyone noticed who was in the kitchen at the time
Problem:cameras everywhere, so who knows
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1341848710 | 1343343675 | t3_w9vwg | t5_2to41 | 1,079 | MisterOdi: TIFU by shitting all over my legs, the toilet seat, and floor while my girlfriend was showering and puking from the smell
We had just come back from a late dinner. I had been slightly gassy all day, and the food wasn't sitting well. I told my gf that I needed to make poo, but she argued that she needed a quick shower. I didn't mind cause she doesn't ever take too long anyway.
As soon as I heard the water run, I felt my stomach rumble. I knocked, let her know that she should hurry, and started doing the classic "clench your asshole and walk/squirm around the room" thing .. anything to help me hold on.
Couldn't hold it. Ended up barging into the bathroom. I mumbled an apology, slammed the door behind me and went for it.
It was all one motion. As I bent down to throw my shorts off, my asshole literally threw up into my boxers. I had half a second to aim my butt towards the toilet and missed terribly. There was runny poop everywhere, a small mound on the ground, a huge pile on the toilet seat cover.
It was all out within 10 seconds. Immediately started damage control. It was one of the most disgusting things I'd seen in my life. As I was mopping up, I heard my girlfriend gag, then cough, then ask for a courtesy spray (we have a bottle of febreeze to mask poo-poo smells).
When it was all over, I had wiped and bleached the entire area. Took a really hot shower, drank some water, and finally saw my girlfriend.
She told me she had thrown up five times from the smell of shit.
TIFU
I_STAB_HIPSTER_FILTH: The fuck is it with reddit and shitting themselves? What, is bowel control an accomplishment now?
blackjesus: WTF are these fuckers eating?
sri745: Indian food.
Livesinthefuture: Damn it Raj! We told you not to spike the carry-out
Boomhauer14: I read this in the voice of Apu, is that bad?
HeartlessSkeleton_: I read it in Jim Parson's voice
| 7 | 154.142857 | |
1341855245 | 1341941204 | t3_wa2pl | t5_2to41 | 176 | [deleted]: TIFU- Started working on my last will and testament on my lunch break, became a bumbling crying mess thinking out life without my wife.
I'm 28 and married. I have never had any kind of a will before and decided it was time to start one, so today on my lunch break I did just that. I was doing great, wasn't emotional at all until I wrote *Please place something of (WIFES NAMES) beside my urn before it is covered so part of her is always beside me."*
After that the tears started and wouldn't stop. Thankfully I have my own office and closed the door. I made it the rest of the way through the first draft of the document, but anytime I get to that part during proofing I start to lose it again. I can't imagine life without her or her having to live a life without me.
infinitylancer: I know that feel bro. I have a depressing story too, but I think it's best if we forget about it. You're a good man and a good husband.
Hoosier_Jones: Let's hear it, usually helps to talk about it.
infinitylancer: Appreciate that, but it's actually involving my grandparent's. So talking about it would only serve the purpose of depressing everyone else, not alleviating my pain.
But sometimes, I think about life without my wife too. I think about it both ways. Me without her and her without me. It just gets really depressing really quickly haha and sometimes I can feel myself tearing up. She is a cancer survivor, and sometimes I get scared it could come back or just think bad things and I just break down because I love her so much. She's more than just my girl, she is my best friend.
xKingly: ;')
| 5 | 35.2 | |
1341863623 | 1341949035 | t3_wac39 | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU By Browsing for a Blue Waffle on Google Images in front of my Teacher
Me and my friend were making up for late homework assignment before school, and we happened to be on the computer. He didn't know what a blue waffle was, and thought it was an ACTUAL blue waffle. He googled it on my computer, and practically threw up looking on it. I was logged in as myself, and my teacher saw it on remote desktop. I was charged with misuse of computer and got in loads of trouble.
Erikster: Your administrators effed up. They're supposed to force strict search protection on your computers.
[deleted]: I know. The have an expensive M86 Web Filter, but even the IT admitted it was crap.
Flying_Assassin: Barracuda and WatchGuard served my school district for all 18 years I was in it.
[deleted]: Yes, but those programs are WAY better than M86 Web Filter
| 5 | 3.6 | |
1341869863 | 1341901771 | t3_waj5q | t5_2to41 | 28 | trout149: TIFU by drinking chip fat
I was eating tea with my family earlier when I decided to get a drink. Went into the kitchen and saw two half full bottles of coca cola. Or so I thought. I chose one at random and, thinking it might be flat, decided to try it. I took a huge drink from it before realising that it wasn't in fact coke. It was chip fat left over from the previous day. I had a hard time stopping myself from chundering and decided to pass on the drink
tl;dr - chip fat is the same colour of coke in a bottle. Not the same taste though...
Walican132: Chip fat? Eating tea?
ConsumerOfFood: Where are these people from?
trout149: Why, I'm from england, what-what old chap. Stereotypes are fun...
| 4 | 7 | |
1341868668 | 1342409221 | t3_wahsi | t5_2to41 | 7 | neurotictiger: TIFU by getting drunk, falling down, giving myself a concussion and a black eye, and knocking out two teeth
arthoushpongled: Context?
neurotictiger: Not much else to say. I don't drink much anymore, but I went pretty hard and drank steadily from 6pm to 2am. Fell outside the bar, knocked myself unconscious, woke up in an ambulance. Spent the night in hospital. No hospital bill (yay Canada) but I'm sure my dentist will make up for that.
neurotictiger: Update: Went to the dentist today and will need crown lengthening (basically they cut away some of the gum and possibly bone) and 6 crowns. It will take a few months and will cost me about $8-9000.
workin2hard: Sounds like Canada needs to step up Dental care too, unless they want you all to start looking like Brits!
neurotictiger: Very true. Although apparently the Brits have very healthy teeth...they just don't look that great.
| 6 | 1.166667 |
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