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1385963927 | 1386035724 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | filthycheaterisuck: TIFU by telling my ex that I cheated on her...
I just recently got out of a bad relationship. She was 24[f] I am 26[m]. She was super neurotic and talked down to me the whole time. I was no saint either though. I lied to her, a lot. I never really showed her the real me. She was hot, and I was into it really because of that. I am shallow I know. I honestly never thought the relationship would last very long at all. But it was fun while it did.
At the time of my infidelity, she and I weren't officially dating. In that she did not think of me as her boyfriend, and I didn't really think of her as my girlfriend. We had slept together, but she was on the fence about me from the get-go (We didn't make anything official until October, and even then it wasn't long before the fights started). We started seeing each other in July, and I cheated in September. I was drunk at a hotel, she was out of town. There was a girl there who I knew had a thing for me, and she was coming onto me VERY strong. I cracked, and slept with her that night in her hotel room. I feel horrible about it, and it was by far the worst thing I have ever done. It was so very not worth it.
Where I fucked up was that I just recently, like 2 days ago, found out that my now ex has moved on and is in a new relationship. Now normally I am very good with getting over girls. But seeing that, I snapped. I WANTED her to hurt, just like how I was hurting. I had developed real feelings for her and she broke my heart. So I was determined to break hers. This is out of character for me, I told her about the drunken romp with a floozy back in September. I did it because I knew that that was the only ammo I had left in my gun that I knew would hurt her.
I also told her that I believe that she pulled a pregnancy scare on me on purpose (she was two weeks late after we broke up) just to fuck with me. I don't honestly believe that, but I said it because again, I wanted to hurt her.
I feel like a monster. I feel so bad about it, and how I handled it. She does not want to see me or speak to me ever again. I do not blame her. After what I did, I don't deserve her respect. I honestly feel like I don't respect myself enough to really respect anyone else. I think I need to get help.
I just wanted to get that shit off of my chest. Thank you if you read all of this.
TL;DR I fucked around on my now ex girlfriend, and told her just to spite her and hurt her. I feel horrible, but I can't take it back.
[deleted]: Think of it as a learning experience. I like to think that some people come in to my life so that I can learn things and grow from the things learned. Best of luck.
filthycheaterisuck: I am. I sent her an email this morning, apologizing and let her know I will not be trying to contact her anymore. I just needed to say I am genuinely sorry for the way I treated her. The sheer vindictiveness of the action of telling her and realizing that I have the capacity to be so cruel has made me seek therapy. I know you may think it sounds like a stretch that I'm doing that, but I feel like none of this would've happened if I hadn't been drinking (both the infidelity and my freaking out about her moving on so quickly). Its been a long time coming but I think I am grown up enough at this point to stop lying to myself and get my drinking under control. I used to always tell myself that I'm not an alcoholic, I'm just a bad drunk. But the truth is that I AM an alcoholic. Once I start, I cannot stop, and I can honestly say that I do not remember a time in my adult life thus far where I have ever been truly sober.
XandraHart: You're just going to have to forgive yourself. You obviously have seen how much of an asshole you were to do this in the first place. You should be proud of yourself to have manned up and apologized to her, and you should be proud of yourself for admitting your vices and seeking help to control them.
I wish you the best of luck, and hope that you can be successful in dealing with your alcohol problems.
| 4 | 7.75 | |
1385963515 | 1385991852 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | [deleted]: TIFU up by making a fb post my boss could see
I have a pretty chill job and a pretty chill boss.
Today, my boss was away so I spent the entire day working on Reddit.
I got ultra bored, as one does, so I weighed myself, took a dump, and weighed myself again.
Then I made a fb post, claiming I had discovered the secret to achieving daily weight loss success.
Of course, my boss saw it, commented on it, and now I have to lead a presentation at a major meeting tomorrow which I have not prepared for.
DocHollow: Can you elaborate a little? I got lost between your post being seen by your boss and having to do a presentation.
CZeke: Dude. *Secret of weight loss.* I'd want a presentation about that too.
| 3 | 11.666667 | |
1385967276 | 1387849902 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | Whatamidoing-: TIFU by sleeping with my ex boyfriend.
My ex and I broke up about a year and a half ago. We lived together for about four months. Near the end he became distant and cold. Would answer phones calls it texts and would come home at midnight and not speak to me. One night he came home after 1am and told me he was moving out in a few weeks.
I had a major meltdown and he seemed pissed off that I was crying and upset. I got dressed and took off. I had quit smoking two days prior but I no longer cared and got a pack while everyone in the store watched me crying. I phoned my mom who was in vacation while I drove around smoking (I have Bluetooth in my car). She flew back the next day for me to go stay at her house. When my ex went to work the next day I quickly went home, packed some stuff and got my cats and their essentials and went to my parents.
Once I calmed down a bit I told my ex that I overreacted and we should talk because I love him and wanted to make things work. He said he could never love me and wasn't ready for anything g serious. I was beyond upset due to the fact it was his idea to live together and now he was jumping ship in every aspect. I emotionally couldn't handle the stress and I had a breakdown to the point that I had developed neurological problems. I broke up with him because I didn't know what else to do.
It was only a few months ago we started talking again and hung out a few times. This time I had ingested a few beers and let down my guard. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex. I managed to sleep a little and when I felt ready to drive I quietly and quickly left. I feel ashamed that I let my guard down. Even throughout the hurt and emotional trauma my feelings for him never fully went away. Sleeping with him flooded all of my feelings back. Now I feel so horrible because I slept with him and now I have all of these feelings towards him again. I'm 99% he has zero fond feelings left for me and most likely just wanted to get back into my pants. I feel like my heart is breaking all over again.
I know there isn't much to say besides that I'm an idiot but I just needed to vent to someone/anyone.
XandraHart: He's an asshole; end of story.
Unfortunately, we can't control our hearts, and having feelings for someone who doesn't deserve us is something we all experienced at some point in time. You just need to put distance and time between you and this relationship/guy. In the meantime, surround yourself with a group of people that you can lean on emotionally.
Whatamidoing-: The only problem is I don't have friends where I live. The only friend I have is over 2 hours away. Everyone else I know is 18 hours away. I'm lonely most of the time so that doesn't help my emotional recovery.
XandraHart: Maybe try to contact them via phone/social media?
Whatamidoing-: I do somewhat. Most of my friends are engaged, married or have kids so no one has the time to talk to me much or just don't really care. So I'm a crazy cat lady. Although I don't care about the label because I love my kitties :)
XandraHart: No judgement here. I have two furry, black, feline babies. :)
Their unconditional love is definitely a big time stress reliever. :)
| 6 | 4.833333 | |
1385964844 | 1386017995 | null | t5_2to41 | 302 | OscarTheImposter: TIFU by making making my GF's roommate cry for her charity work
Recently, during the height of Breast Cancer Awareness month (sorry, not technically today), I was over at my girlfriend's house energetically pregaming for a night out. Needless to say, my brain-to-mouth filter wasn't in full working condition.
She was showing me around her house when we ran into one of her roommates, a very sweet girl who happened to be heading up their sorority's ribbon sale to raise money for breast cancer awareness/research. When I noticed a box of said ribbons on her floor, "Sophie" (her roommate) asked if I'd buy one. I happily agreed, but not before making an offhand comment to the effect of "Yes, as long as you're not working with those bastards at the Susan G. Komen Foundation!" You see, I had recently read [this tread detailing what a dishonest organization Susan G. Komen is](http://www.reddit.com/r/todayilearned/comments/1oavtl/til_the_ceo_of_susan_g_komen_for_the_cure_makes/). Sophie looked confused, so I barreled on, explaining the dismal percentage of proceeds that the company gives to actual research, and how grossly overpaid their executives are. As I neared the end of my smug diatribe, Sophie burst into tears and ran out of the room.
Turns out her mom is pretty high up with Susan G. Komen, and I apparently shattered her glowing perception of the company and her mom's work. In the end, it was probably something she needed to hear, but I sure wished I hadn't made her cry by explaining it so aggressively.
**TL;DR Keeping it real went wrong.**
hatecity24: Truth is truth. The information hurt her, not you telling it to her.
Dfry: Yeah, but there's a gentle way to break that news. No need to be so harsh.
But it happens. I've similarly put my foot in my mouth.
Toby-one: Actually we don't know if he broke the news harsh or not since he is paraphrasing the events.
Dfry: >smug diatribe
We don't have the exact words, but this description says a lot.
Toby-one: It says a lot but how do we know it is accurate? When we feel we fucked up then everything we said sounds wrong and smug in retrospect.
Dfry: You're right! How do we know OP didn't make the whole thing up - or worse, he might have hallucinated the whole thing!
None of us were there but OP. I don't think it's unreasonable to take his account at face value.
Toby-one: Now you're just being kind of an asshole.
When OP says smug diatribe then you will form a picture in your mind about what this means and that picture may not conform to what OP meant when he wrote it so you are making a rather big assumption here. This is communication 101 and is one of the reasons why paraphrasing is so inreliable. It is also complicated by the fact that when you remember a memory where you fucked up it will cause an anxiety response that will cause you to remember it as worse than it actually was because this is how the body works. And it has nothing to do about hallucinations or making stuff up.
Dfry: Ok, I was being pretty sarcastic. Sorry if the tone bothered you.
I still stand by my point, though. I agree that sometimes what someone means by a statement can be different from what I understood it to mean. But in order to communicate at all I have to assume that what other people mean by a term or phrase (i.e. "smug diatribe") is mostly in line with what I mean by the same term or phrase.
It may be an imperfect assumption, but that assumption is nonetheless a precondition of linguistic communication. Until the person who issued the original utterance indicates that I have misunderstood (or other factors indicate), I feel pretty good relying on my lifetime of experience using the English language to determine what English sentences mean.
OP might be evaluating his own words as harsher than they really were, but all we have to go off of here is the paraphrasing. Since this is a Reddit thread and not a scholarly article, I am willing to accept the chance of error inherent in relying on a paraphrase. You might have stricter epistemic standards than me, and that's fine. But I do defend my choice to take the words at face value as being perfectly reasonable and rational.
| 9 | 33.555556 | |
1385970379 | 1385972988 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | FuckingKaveh: TIFU by deleting my facebook
I was tired of defaulting to facebook all the time so I deleted it and left some contact info in case anyone actually needed something. After I posted it I thought the whole thing seemed pretty narcissistic, and then I realized, for some bizarre ass reason, I decided to close my post with "See you niggas in hell" and the tone of the whole post was inverted. On top of that I sent follow up messages to a sum of people so it would stay in their inbox and now it looks like some psychopathic narcissistic breakdown.
[deleted]: Hahaha your better off
FuckingKaveh: Oh totally
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1385959375 | 1386190657 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | dangremonster: TIFU by deleting my entire Eagle Scout Project
Not today, but I digress. I am really into film making and thought it would be a great idea to incorporate my passion into my Eagle service project, not just make another damn bench. What I chose to do was make short PSA videos for a local elementary school about what kids should do in emergency situations. It was a fun, creative idea, and I thought it would be a breeze because it is something I like doing.
So I spend months planning and completing paperwork, getting approval and such before I started the actual filming process, but the day finally rolls around. I brought a ton of equipment and a crew, and things are going better than expected. We film in 2 less days than I planned for and I was excited to transfer the footage so that I could begin editing. I thanked all the people who helped me and went home to my computer and slid the SDHC card into the reader I had bought that same day for $10. Do not trust a $10 card reader.
The card randomly ejects during the transfer process and I lose every bit of footage I had. But that's not it. Disbelief turned into panic and I called a local tech repair store to ask if anything could do to save my project. They told me I could try a data recovery service, and see if they could retrieve my footage. I immediately drive to the nearest one, about an hour away, and pay the fee of $250. I was mad as hell, but thought, "if I get the project back, it'll be worth every penny." I leave the place pissing myself with anxiety, but hoping for the best.
For 4 days I wait for them to contact me, and they finally did. They said they were successful and had the footage on a USB drive they would give to me for an extra $10. Fuck it, I need the files. I pay the damn fee and get home and run to my computer faster than a kid on Christmas morning and plug in the USB.
There are 3 AUDIO FILES. Not my video, but an old school project. And even if I was looking for that, I couldn't use it. I call up the place and demand a refund, and they say I paid for the effort, not the result. So I'm down tons of work and $260. Hoping to try again soon...
TL;DR Eagle Scout Film Project gets destroyed due to shitty SD card reader, then I pay $260 to try and get it back, and I don't. No refund.
imnotarapperok: Eagle Scout here, I cringed as I read this. I restored a nature trail one cold day in January, so not much I could lose there. I just couldn't imagine how stressful this was. Did you manage to at least re-film?
dangremonster: I'm refilming next week. I like my idea but it is one where I can lose everything just like that rather than having a tangible thing like restoration or bridge building. It's the price I have to pay.
imnotarapperok: It's nice to see someone else in scouting helping the community though. Did you happen to go to the National Jamboree this summer?
dangremonster: No I wasn't there. As of late I seem to have less and less time for scouts, but in the summer I will usually try to go to Woodruff in North Georgia.
imnotarapperok: Never heard of there. My troop usually goes to Raven Knob in the NC mountains. I'm going to Philmont in August, hoping it will be fun.
dangremonster: A lot of my friends have been to Philmont, I'm sure you'll have a crazy fun time. (Besides the whole pooping in a baggie that you carry with you)
imnotarapperok: Oh, fun.... I get to fly in a plane to get there so it's worth it.
| 8 | 3.375 | |
1385984326 | 1386144978 | null | t5_2to41 | 41 | LogicKennedy: TIFU by destroying my toy with sheer laziness.
Okay, I remember a couple of days ago we had a thread asking people to describe the laziest thing they have ever done. Mine might not quite measure up to a captain shifting a navy ship to get the sun out of his eyes, but it's pretty damn awful.
A couple of weeks back, I saved up my hard-earned money and bought myself a sex toy to celebrate my 18th birthday. It was a fleshlight, and I waited eagerly for its delivery for a week before it actually came. When it arrived, I rushed upstairs with it, tore off the packaging and eagerly prepared to plunge my brave little astronaut into its rubbery depths. There were a few problems on entry, but with a touch of lube my fleshlight and I quickly established a working relationship.
Once I was done, I sealed up my evidence, curled up in faux post-coital bliss, and went to sleep. The fleshlight lay by my bed faithfully until I woke up, at which point my mum was around the house again and I was confronted with the pressing need to hide it. I shoved it into a drawer and tried my best to forget about it. For two weeks, every time I thought about cleaning it, I would just comfort myself with the idea that it probably wasn't too bad and the quality of the toy was good enough that it wouldn't be too much of a problem. It sounds stupid, I know, but I would need the twin benefits of experience and hindsight before I would see exactly how idiotic I had been.
Two weeks later, I opened it up again to be confronted with one of the most impressive collections of mold I have ever seen. The thing had a distinctly unpleasant odor and the mold had grown in little patches all over the face of the toy, and had taken root in the material itself, making any attempt to clean it an exercise in futility. I'm now confronted with the prospect of having to ditch a once-used, £59 fleshlight, and just wank with my hand again like a normal person.
TL;DR bought expensive toy, used it once, was too lazy to clean, toy became home to a flourishing mold colony.
fisp: Did you try soaking it in rubbing alcohol? Probably could've left it in a zip-lock full of 90% isopropyl alcohol for a few days and gotten the mold.
freeacc123: I'm pretty sure ISO kills rubber. I know I lost an acrylic bong to it once.
fisp: fleshlights aren't made out of rubber. iso's fine on them.
freeacc123: Aren't they plastic as well? Don't know much about fleshlights but I know alcohol doesn't go well with plastic.
fisp: I mean, the holder thing is plastic. But the sleeve itself isn't. I don't know the details of its material, but alcohol is what they officially recommend, and I know alcohol does a number on mold.
Apparently I'm not allowed to post a link to the FAQ on the official fleshlight site, but it's there.
freeacc123: Interesting, it's good design that they made it easy to clean.
| 7 | 5.857143 | |
1385993584 | 1386051011 | null | t5_2to41 | 71 | aheh89: TIFU by shitting in the garden.
SO last night I had to drive nine hours after missing a flight. For the last hour of the drive I was turtling a poop. So when I arrived home I ran as quickly as a I could to get inside, but my grandmother, who I am taking care of, left the key on the other side of the lock. I couldn't get in; I ring the door bell over and over again, but it was 530, and there was little chance she was going to get to the door anytime soon. Realizing this with the growing pressure in my rectum, I run to backyard and relieve myself. I finally get in 30 min later. I go straight to bed...
Fast forward to about one hour ago; the door rings. It's my neighbor's cute caretaker. My Neighbor's dog jumped the fence and was in my yard. So we spend about half an hour just trying to get the dog out of the bushes. When we finally get the dog out she exits along the side of the house. I thought nothing of it until just now. When I went to check if my turd was still there, it was gone without a trace. I guess she must have assumed the dog took a turd in my yard and came back to clean it up.
TL;DR: Shit in my yard; neighbor's cute caretaker cleans up after me.
GRAMMAR EDIT
red_spooks: You missed a flight, but had your car with you? This smells fishy. Something tells me you weren't driving 9 hours to take care of your grandmother on a regular basis, or flying for that matter.
bbtigercub: He could've rented a car.
| 3 | 23.666667 | |
1385997330 | 1386111829 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,411 | astakask: TIFU by showing up for Breathalyzer training drunk.
Just when I think I can't outdo my own stupidity I go and take the retard cake.
I worked in a private medical clinic and we recently branched out into pre-employment and reasonable cause drug and alcohol testing. The company forked out the cash for me to travel to another city and take the 3 day course. They paid for my accommodations, gas, wages and provided me with a company credit card for meals( which comes into play later ).
The second day we finished early, to return thew next day and finish the course with breath alcohol training (BAT). Well being that I was bored as hell I decided to go to the bar in the hotel and ended up getting shitfaced, I mean I got pirate drunk (when you have to close one eye to see straight and walk like you have a peg leg)...fade to black.
Got up , head pounding , had some coffee and headed down to the course. The lecture began and about an hour after we had to work with a partner and do some practice runs, my turn came and I blew a .056 bac. The instructor happened to be watching....... Well I got kicked out of the course, got fired for drinking on the job, cost the company a few thousand dollars and oh yeah charged 282.20 in drinks to the corporate credit card which kind of sealed my being shit canned.
grecy: Wow. I'm surprised to hear you got fired for that.
Technically, you were not drinking on the job.. it was after hours.
Obviously it's a little grey showing up a bit drunk, but I honestly don't think there is a law against it if you're not in a professional field like pilot or doctor or something.
Eh, I dunno.
dannycalamity: Where do you work that showing up drunk isn't grounds for dismissal?
grecy: I've worked many places, and while showing up drunk is obviously a no-no, I highly doubt I'd be fired on the spot for having a bit too much to drink the night before on the very rare occasion.
Also, he only blew .056, which is perfectly legal to drive a car here in Canada. I, personally, would take that to court because you are not legally drunk at all at .056 - I would argue if you can legally drive a car, you should legally be OK to go to non-safety-critical work (obviously doesn't apply to Doctors, Pilots etc.)
dannycalamity: This wasn't a very rare occasion. This was the day of BAT testing. At the very least it was an incredibly stupid move that, given this was a new job, doesn't speak well to his character. Showing up inebriated in a professional setting is an HR nightmare.
Not too mention, policy's policy. Inebriation here in the US generally means being fired.
grecy: > Inebriation here in the US generally means being fired.
Hilarious considering he can legally drive a car as he was.
Smoke14: I believe they could charge you with DWI even if you are below the threshold ?
grecy: WHAT?
I've never heard of such a thing, and that's absolutely not the case in the two countries I've lived in (Australia and Canada).
The whole point is you can drive if you are below the limit, and you can't if you are over the limit.
[deleted]: In Ontario that 0.056 would get his licensed suspended for seven days (not sure on figure) and his car impounded. So you're wrong, it's not all of Canada.
grecy: Really? (I moved to Canada 7 years ago)
I thought it was 0.08 Canada-wide? (I remember it, because it's only 0.05 in Australia where I come from)
[deleted]: Well a DUI is still 0.08 but they will pull your license at 0.05 in Ontario. From [here.](http://www.mto.gov.on.ca/english/safety/impaired/fact-sheet.shtml#adls)
>Fully-licensed drivers will face immediate roadside licence suspension for:
>Refusing a breath test.
>Registering a blood alcohol concentration (BAC) of 0.05 or more (this means there is 50 milligrams of alcohol in every 100 millilitres of blood).
>**Consequences for Driving with a 0.05 to 0.08 "Warn Range" Blood Alcohol Concentration**
>*First Time*
>3-day licence suspension
>$150 Administrative Monetary Penalty
>*Second Time (within 5 years)*
>7-day licence suspension
>Mandatory alcohol education program
>$150 Administrative Monetary Penalty
>*Third Time (within 5 years)*
>30-day licence suspension
>Mandatory alcohol treatment program
>Six-month ignition interlock licence condition
>$150 Administrative Monetary Penalty
>*Subsequent infractions (within 5 years)*
>30-day licence suspension
>Mandatory alcohol treatment program
>Six-month ignition interlock licence condition
>Mandatory medical evaluation
>$150 Administrative Monetary Penalty
grecy: Thanks. Do you know if that's just Ontario?
[deleted]: A quick wikipedia result gives me [this](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impaired_driving_in_Canada#Proving_blood_alcohol_concentration).
So Saskatchewan is actually 0.04. Alberta, Yukon, leave it up to the officers discretion. Quebec has no restriction up to the 0.08 limit and everywhere else 0.05 is a suspension of license.
Each have different suspension lengths.
grecy: thanks.
| 14 | 172.214286 | |
1386002579 | 1386015559 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | sullivan_ss: TIFU by missing an online midterm
Welp.. Let's get this out of the way first. I'm a dumbass. I procrastinated all break and assumed that this big online accounting exam was due Sunday night (like most other exams are) but instead it was due on Tuesday at 8 am.
But wait.. A stroke of luck appeared and the exam was still open when I checked on Friday night!! So I took the exam and got an 85%.
Of course with my luck the teacher noticed and changed my grade to a 0 basically tanking in a class that I tried very hard in.
Danny_the_Intern: If you haven't already, talk to your professor. Don't make excuses, don't try to make them pity you, and *don't* lie.
In my experience, most professors are pretty understanding about these things. If you're lucky, the professor will let you take a different exam and penalize you by dropping you down a full letter grade, or something like that. Worst case scenario, the professor says "nope, sorry, better luck next time."
But since that's where you are already, you have *nothing to lose.*
[deleted]: Thanks a ton for the advice, I emailed her after I took the test and I stopped her after class today. She said she'd just double whatever I got on the final exam thus making up for the third test that I missed!!! So fortunately my grade is still depending on how well I do on the final.
Danny_the_Intern: Glad to hear it! Like I said, college professors can be surprisingly leniant in situations like yours, as long as you're straight with them. One whiff of bullshit, though, and you'll be out on your ass faster than you can say "failed exam".
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1386016122 | 1386041572 | null | t5_2to41 | 79 | GreysonHalstead: TIFU by saying "Boyfriend" instead of "Boss" while talking to a client.
I was on the phone with a very nice client and was about to transfer the call to my boss and said, "Please hold one moment while I transfer you to my boyfriend." There was silence as I realized what I said, I quickly tried to correct myself and said, "Oh my goodness! I meant BOSS! He's not my boyfriend!" The client laughed and told me about a time she called her boss "Mom" by mistake.
I then hear my boss, across the hall, laughing to himself and I get a ping that says, "I heard that!"
Wouldn't be so awkward if my boss wasn't literally a male fitness model. So I told him to shut up. Luckily we are friends, but still, this is not good.
ETA I am a woman. I know Greyson is primarily a male name, but not this time.
PerpetualDick: * Fuck your boss.
* Burn the building down.
* Marry the client.
IRideVelociraptors: Ooooh, we can include in animate objects in kill, fuck, marry now?
PerpetualDick: Sure, but a couple of things are a bit *problematic*:
* You can't kill an object.
* You can't legally marry an object (apparently you can in Japan though)
* You can fuck an object but many of them, I would not. Seriously, think of sticking your junk into a blender...
IRideVelociraptors: * Burn [EVERRYYYYTTHHINGGG!!!!!](http://31.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m0sujhZ24z1rrdywqo1_400.gif)
* Not with that attitude
* As long as it doesn't hit the blades...
Pumblooom: Or you can not turn the blender on.
IRideVelociraptors: But then what is the fun in that?
| 7 | 11.285714 | |
1386019931 | 1386025906 | null | t5_2to41 | 47 | [deleted]: TIFU by putting chilli extract on my pecker for science.
(Not using a throwaway because I'm fearless)
So a couple of days ago i get this hot sauce/chilli extract i ordered, i was intrigued on the internet which led to me purchasing this "Psycho Juice". Now this stuff is potent, like two drops will make a whole meal spicy as hell (its made from naga jolokia, 600,000 scoville units) and i've been playing around with it in my food. After using it as a dipping sauce and burning my mouth today i remembered something. I read a post a while ago about a guy who touched his pecker after chopping chillis and he said it burned. I wondered if that was really true and how much it would really burn.
So i whip it out, get a drop of sauce on my finger and put a tiny bit on, i wait a few seconds and... nothing. So obviously i put the whole drop on and rub it in... still nothing. A few seconds later it started, not much pain at first but getting worse. About a minute in and i'm writhing in pain on the floor wondering how the fuck i could be so stupid. It comes in waves of intense pain, every wave feels like somebody has re-doused me in petrol and lit it on fire. This was probably the worst pain i have ever felt in my life.
I can't take it any more and i ran to the toilet to try to wash it off, only to greet my housemate coming out of the toilet, he asks me about a film i saw and i have to pretend I'm not in indescribable pain. He knows something is up and leaves me. The tap water only temporarily reduces the pain so i hop in the shower and after a few minutes of cold blasting it, the pain subsides slightly. That was the worst 15 minutes of my life.
Reddit, i made this sacrifice so you do not have to, please avoid contact with genitals after touching spicy food.
edit: http://i.imgur.com/ZDwV3AS.png This is the stuff
Hatweed: [](/sciencebitch "BITCH!!!") If it involves your genitals and you wouldn't put it in your mouth: these are 2 criteria for an idea that shouldn't even be in your head, let alone in the testing phase.
leedade: you wont be laughing when i find out it cures all diseases.
It definitely cures morning wood, so thats something
| 3 | 15.666667 | |
1386020356 | 1387814761 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | detective_awesome: TIFU by passing out at a Kanye West concert
So 2 of my friends and I are big fans of Kanye and bought tickets to see his show the day they went sale. Being that the show has incredibly high production value we decided to each take a couple stamps of acid. I'd only done it once before with one dose and this time I took two. We take it in the car and make it to our seats just as the effects are hitting.
After the opening act all seems "well". We leave our seats to meet up with some friends and come back to wait for Kanye. At some point I get into a thought loop and physically become overwhelmed. I don't remember anything from this point, my friends said I just had a thousand yard stare and kept up standing and sitting until I guess I fainted. Mind you we are like 20 rows up in the upper deck of the arena and I am a big dude pushing 220+ . They were told I was showing signs of PCP use (?) and they are experiencing all this whilst tripping.
Paramedics are called and I'm taken by ambulance to a nearby hospital. Throughout this I'm hallucinating but I guess partly sentient cause I remember bits and pieces of what happened but I just thought I was dreaming. Eventually I wake up in the ER, still thinking it was a dream, until I see both my parents beside me. I'm discharged a couple hours later with my jeans torn, hat missing, disappointed mother, knowledge that I missed my favorite musician's show and a $5-7k dollar bill that I have no idea how I'm going to cover as a broke college student.
jerrybob: Your fuck up was GOING to a Kanye West concert. Passing out once already there was a win.
AccountIDCabout: DAE think le kanye west literally sucks?!?!?!?
thane_of_cawdor: "If you have *this* opinion, you're just part of the circlejerk. Therefore, everyone should copy me and have *my* opinion"
You sound like an idiot and a parrot
| 4 | 7 | |
1386029054 | 1386176586 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | lncsmb: TIFU by taking too many late night walks
So this is a double TIFU and it happened about 1,5 years ago. I was going my last year in high school and was under alot of stress from the last exams which led to me having some problems with my sleep. I found taking walks in the middle of the night just before going to bed to be very relaxing and helping me with my issues.
I was often gone from between 15-30 minutes and any time from a couple hours before midnight to 3 am. I did this for maybe 2 months and I never encountered people when walking (lived in a small town).
One night I felt that the walking wasn't enought and I had to rub one out aswell before going to bed. Or even better, lay in bed watching my monitor a couple feet away (2 meters). Sometimes I hear a family member go to the toilet in the middle of the night and just wait for them to be done before I continue.
So this one night I heard someone walking up the stairs but I thought nothing of it and continued. I heard someone stop just outside my door. Shit, what the fuck to do...either I walk up and close the porn on the computer and stand there butt-naked or I stay under my blanket with the porn on. I had no time to react...the door opened. My mom stod there watching me looking back at her. Then she looked at my computer and just said "lncsmb....". She walked outside again, closed the door and said "we need to talk".
My parents aren't conservative or anything so I didn't really know why she would want to talk about this but it was really embarassing. I followed her down into the living room and was acrually laughing a lot because the situation was so stupid.
I sat down and then she said "lncsmb, I've been so worried these past weeks, what have you been up to? Have you been selling...*drugs*? I was so shocked I didn't know what to say. I just laughed and clearly explained the situation about my bad sleep (which she was aware of) and that was it, we never spoke of it again. The walks didn't feel the same after that so I stopped shortly after.
Tldr; Mom thinks I'm selling drugs every night when I'm just out for a walk. Wants to talk and walks in on me wanking.
Broue: Anyone else read the "we need to talk" in Skylar White's voice? I'm wierd
lakrfan: HA HA, that's so funny cuz i thought the same thing too.
| 3 | 10.666667 | |
1386031529 | 1386410144 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | not_the_splim: TIFU by making someone storm out of an assessment
I am a master's student so I should really know better but...
We had to give presentations over the course of two weeks for an assessment. I did mine the first week and it all went fine, but there was one guy missing that week. It was pretty obvious that he hadn't turned up because he wasn't presenting that week. This pissed me off as it is just plain disrespectful, so I began to plot. I decided (God knows why) that the best way to vent my frustration would be to wait for his presentation next week, and then bombard him with several difficult and downright nasty questions at the end of it.
So the week passed, and I continued to plan. I got several other students in on the prank, who would also have their own difficult questions.
At the end of the presentation, when he asked if there were any questions, the plan started to unravel. First of all I decided it would be an excellent joke to invent a theorist, and ask if he had done any research into the person's work. This was where it all went terribly terribly wrong.
The lecturer says 'What was the name again?'.
Well fuck. It was too late to back out now. I repeated the name, knowing full well that the 'theorist' was in fact an obscure composer that I hoped no one had heard of.
'How do you spell it?' he asked. Of course, I had to oblige.
'I'll look out for that' he said. 'Any more questions?'
I was a twat, I didn't know when to quit. I let some other people ask a few more questions, then asked him to sum up the basic argument of his presentation. He answered as well as he could, but being the pompous git I am, I told him it wasn't good enough.
'Are you saying my presentation's shit?' he demanded.
'Well no, I'm just saying it has no actual argument' I replied, not seeing the deep shit I was sliding into.
'Do you want an argument?'
Ok, here's where it gets bad. You know what I said to that? I fucking said 'yes'.
YES.
Well, in my defense, technically I did.
Seeing I was in trouble my lecturer waded in to try and explain what I was getting at.
But by this time Mr. Part Time had cottoned on to what was going on.
'Well, I feel like I'm on trial so bum this.' And off he stormed.
Now the lecturers are doing damage control, we've all received an e-mail about expected student conduct and I feel like an idiot. I'm also terrified about what will happen when my lecturer googles a certain theorist and is treated to some lovely baroque music.
TL; DR, I completely derailed an assessment with my ego.
knittedrabbit: You silly silly man.
DaPinkRunna: *Dirty *dirty *boy *...
knittedrabbit: He's clean. He didn't shit himself.
DaPinkRunna: *Dirty* *dirty* *boy...*
knittedrabbit: Do you... Want him to be a dirty boy?
DaPinkRunna: #K# #den#.
| 7 | 2 | |
1386032518 | 1386162438 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,266 | souldeux: TIFU: Just realized I've accidentally been advertising myself as HIV+ and gay for a decade, awesome
**Ten Years Ago**
It's spring break in the little town where I grew up. I'm eighteen. My buddy, who we'll call Mark, is wearing a hat with a four-leaf clover on it.
"Cool hat," I observe.
The swift, lurching irrationality that comes with being eighteen leads us both to believe that finding ourselves in a tattoo parlor thirty minutes later - Mark facedown, shirtless, and a clover blooming on his shoulder - is pretty damn smart.
"Cool tattoo," I observe. *Really cool. Too cool to handle. I want one, too. I can't get a clover, though, it'd be weird to get matching tattoos. What should I get?*
The tattoo artist finishes Mark's clover. It looks so sweet. So lucky. He drops the used needle into a red bag - a red bag with a wicked awesome symbol on it. I am a bit of a science geek; the symbol is familiar to me.
"I want one of those," I state with misplaced confidence. Before long, my decision is inked into my shoulder forever.
______
Time has passed, as time does, and in that time I've thought very little about the tattoo on my shoulder. It's not in a spot where I see it unless I'm craning my neck before a mirror - I've even forgotten it's there once or twice. It's my only tattoo, and until today, I wasn't planning on getting any more.
In the ten years I've had the tattoo there've been a couple of weird incidents that I've brushed off. One that sticks out in my mind happened a few years ago, when I was working out at a local gym where a large percentage of the male patrons were gay (I'm heterosexual and married, myself). I was changing in the locker room, where two guys were noticeably stealing looks at me and whispering to each other. After a few moments the shorter, blonder guy - who was wearing a kilt, but I digress - approached me kind of nervously.
"I like your tattoo," he smiled. It was tough to put a finger on his demeanor. I thought for a minute I was back in middle school and he was going to tell me that the other guy thought I was cute - it was that kind of nervous energy he radiated.
"Thanks!" I replied. I almost told him that I liked his kilt, but then I thought I'd sound like an asshole so I just smiled at him. He seemed disappointed, walked back to his buddy, and the two of them left. This was three years ago or so, and I haven't thought about it again until today.
Why not until today? Because today, I discovered that the biohazard tattoo on my shoulder is [apparently](http://www.cnn.com/2011/HEALTH/08/10/hiv.tattoos/) [secret](http://www.positivelite.com/component/zoo/item/the-biohazard-blog-part-two-on-your-chest) [code](http://www.brandchannel.com/home/post/2011/08/18/hiv-tattoos-personal-branding.aspx) [for](http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090312225657AAOCeoS) "[I'm HIV positive](http://www.beyondpositive.org/2013/09/19/steve-biohazard-marked/)" in the gay community, and I am pretty sure that kilted man was okay with that, which is very open-minded of him but also is giving me a lot of feelings. Now I'm second guessing every time I've taken my shirt off in public in the last decade. I feel like one of those guys who gets "Warrior Spirit Bear" tattooed in kanji, only it actually says "spicy tuna hourglass" or some such nonsense. Except I guess mine says "Bareback AIDS Bear." Awesome.
aisforaccident: Side note: There are these people called "bug-chasers" that actively seek to be infected with HIV. I'm wondering if that's what was going on in the gym.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bugchasing
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bo_n0IPsC7g
HolographicMetapod: This shit infuriates me.
I hope people know this is not common. Anyone who does that is severely fucked in the head.
phantomganonftw: It's not uncommon, either. People bugchase for a variety of reasons. They might feel contracting HIV is inevitable and they want it to be on their terms, they might have had lots of friends in the 80s that died of AIDS and they want to feel a connection with them, for some couples who can't have children they can 'parent' the AIDS virus together, etc.
Obviously bugchasing is unhealthy and probably stems from a deeper psychological issue in most people, but just writing everyone who bugchases off as "severely fucked in the head" only serves to make these people feel more ostracized, which is unhelpful.
HolographicMetapod: > It's not uncommon, either.
Can I see a source for that please?
phantomganonftw: I don't have a statistic for how many people actively bug chase, but [this dissertation] (http://www.adler.edu/resources/content/1/0/0/4/documents/rfrailich-dissertatiopn.pdf) contains several different citations of studies about the "barebacking community." The most conservative estimate states that ~14% of men who have sex with men in the US engage in barebacking (sex without a condom). While not all of these men are actively seeking to contract HIV, some of them are, and all of them are knowingly engaging in an activity that puts them at a higher risk for contracting the virus.
While the phenomenon is not something that the majority (or even close to the majority) of people participate in, it's practiced by a large enough community that people have devoted their academic careers to studying it. I would suggest that is enough to say it's not uncommon, and is in fact practiced by a significant community (although I think we may be operating under different definitions of the words "common" and "uncommon." I am simply using "not uncommon" to mean that it's not unheard of and is, in fact, a real phenomenon.)
HolographicMetapod: You know what, no.
That is utter bull shit and you know it.
* Just because 14% of gay men have unprotected sex, in no way whatsoever does that make them a bugchaser.
* How many straight men and women have unprotected sex, does that make them bug chasers too?
* people have devoted their academic careers to studying it.
In what way? That is just complete bull shit, there is no career built around bug chasing.
I'm sorry to get like this, but you know what, fuck that. You have no idea what you're talking about, and you're giving me, and other gay men a bad name just because an extremely small number of them are mentally disabled and yes, FUCKED in the head.
It's really hard not to say Fuck you right now. Do your research before saying something like that. Bug chasing is not common, in any way shape or form. It's sensationalized by the media to make a story.
IBeHairman: Did you read his post?
HolographicMetapod: I read it thoroughly, I disagreed strongly and made my counterargument.
He's buying into fox news sensationalism and believing it wholeheartedly. As a gay man, that pisses me off. I do not go around fucking people who have HIV, I don't know anyone that does, and I've never heard of anyone that does. Any gay man will tell you the same, and agree that it's fucked up.
Bug chasers are not "common" in any sense of the word.
I'd say they're about as "common" as those people that go around with AIDS infected needles and stab people in clubs.
IBeHairman: I don't know anything about "fox news sensationalism", as such I cannot comment.
He never said it was common, in fact he made it clear that that was something he wasn't saying.
HolographicMetapod: > It's not uncommon
Is what he said. How else would someone interpret that?
IBeHairman: He also said that he wasn't saying it was common, please read the post again.
| 12 | 105.5 | |
1386045388 | 1386094494 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | TheHappydude2012: TIFU by peeing in a trash can.
So everyday after school my friends and I hangout and when it gets to cold we go in the boys locker room and play games on our laptop. We keep getting kicked out by the same janitor who never wants us in there, (It's not against the school rules) and he ALWAYS yells at us. So today my friends and I were hanging out in the school library and we had to go to the bathroom so we went downstairs to the boys bathroom. (It's like 5:00pm there is like nobody in the school) And thats when I got the great Idea to get my revenge I will pee in the trashcan, so I did. Right before I finished my physics teacher walks in and says "What the hell do you think you're doing." He then tells me follow him and we go to the nearest classroom when he asks for my student I.D. and says you might wanna zip up. I felt so stupid not only did I just get caught doing the dumbest thing I have ever done but he has to remind me to zip up my crotch. He then wrote me a detention that I now have to serve tomorrow which says "Urinating in the waste basket." Now all I can hope is that when they call my mom they don't tell her why I got the detention.
SoyPopo: If you really have to then say you literally would not make it to the toilet...Unless the toilet was across the hall, then you're fucked.
em_etib: It sounds like he pissed in a trashcan either inside the bathroom, or right outside the bathroom, based off the fact he said they walked to the bathroom. Unless he backtracked, most likely he's fucked.
| 3 | 8 | |
1386045163 | 1386165484 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | cromano923: TIFU by trying to drive home after too many drinks
Tried to sleep in my car and my parked car got it. Feeling paranoid, I tried heading home and started to vomit in my car. Went to hurry my head out the window, but the window was closed and I smashed my face.
Eventually got home and it wasn't pretty. Got an expensive car wash and then used lemon lime air freshener - this is after I got trashed from Margaritas. Sigh...
TristanTzara1918: > Tried to sleep in my car and my parked car got it
What?
flimsy_dick: he's still drunk
cromano923: I hardly drink heavy. I was fine and found out that the place where we went drinking puts Everclear in their margaritas. So, I may as well have been roofied.
phrakture: So clearly its not your fault
cromano923: Hah. Definitely was my fault - still an insane situation, though.
| 6 | 1.333333 | |
1386045188 | 1386076996 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | ApocSurvivor713: TIFU by throwing away the box.
I have a pet leopard gecko (she's called Saphira). I use a heat lamp to keep her enclosure warm and well lit during the day. The bulb I was using burnt out about a week ago, and the temperatures here in Florida are beginning to cool down, finally. With that in mind, I went down to the pet store to pick up a new bulb. The guy at the counter asked what wattage I needed, and I was confused. I didn't know how powerful the previous bulb was. So I called my dad and had him look at the lamp to find out what I needed. 150 watts. Great. That's a fucking $18 dollar lightbulb. Oh well, my lizard's health is more important. I got home, installed the bulb, and promptly threw the box away. Later that day, I put the trash into a larger bag and put that bag in a large bin to be taken out to the street corner. That's my mistake. I looked at the tank later on and the thermometer was maxed out at 105 degrees, and my room was almost unbearably hot. As it turns out, 150 watts was the largest bulb it could hold. The previous bulb only pulled 90 degrees, which is the optimal heat. So now I've got an $18 dollar lightbulb that might harm my lizard, and I have no way of returning it. Great.
GamerX44: Maybe you could get a small fan pointed towards that lamp ?
mrwongme: Tomorrows TIFU: TIFU by giving my pet gecko a fan and accidentally blending it.
GamerX44: Haha :P He can't jump that high or can he ? Depends on the size of the enclosure of course.
mrwongme: I hear geckos are a helluva climber. And I don't think we want to find out the hard way, hah
GamerX44: lol I guess not :P
| 6 | 4.833333 | |
1386051516 | 1386105685 | null | t5_2to41 | 89 | EgaoNoGenki-III: TIFU by putting my $200 back in the packing envelope.
This was actually last Christmas. The "TIFU" is an LCIFU.
I don't think the pants I wore had pockets (I don't remember whether they did or not.)
My wallet was upstairs.
I was distrustful of my middle sister (So different from us, she must've been adopted; she attempted to steal from a mall anchor store that previous year.)
I was given $200 in the packing envelope, and appreciated the gift. To "play it safe," I put it back in the envelope.
Dad had been putting used giftwrap and such into the fireplace all morning.
'Nuff said.
Jigglerbutts: Isn't it illegal to destroy legal tinder?
ElderRapWizard: If it's legal tinder, why would it be illegal to burn?
isbadawi: /r/dadjokes
| 4 | 22.25 | |
1386068214 | 1386094875 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | Aerizol: TIFU by calling my temporarily wheelchair bound friend a cripple jokingly only feet from a permanently wheelchair bound person, adding to soften the blow "at least it's only temporary"
saberman: what was the joke?
[deleted]: "Hahaha, you're a cripple now man! Good thing it's only temporary, wouldn't want you not being able to walk forever!" I imagine.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1386089627 | 1386293758 | null | t5_2to41 | 549 | the-infinite-jester: TIFU by helping a violent man leave the state
This actually happened a few weeks ago, but I found out the truth about him last night...
I work at a safe house for victims of domestic violence. It's a women- and children-only shelter and it's a transitional 60-day program. I also monitor the domestic violence hotline while working my shifts, and I received a call last month from a man calling from the local ER with a fractured shoulder looking for a safe place to stay.
He told me that his wife had pushed him down the stairs after threatening him repeatedly, and that the abuse was on-going but he was ready to leave her. I did an intake with him over the phone, and called my supervisor to get permission to put him up in a hotel for the night, which she gave.
I picked him up from the ER and drove him across town to the hotel. He was a very positive guy, late-50's and an ex-youth pastor who had worked with AmeriCorps and other organizations. He told me that the police had not been very kind to him, asking why he hadn't defended himself, and he said because he would never hit his wife. I felt for him because this is a common attitude that male DV victims face, and I told him that he had done the right thing and assured him that we would help him reach a safe place. He was a pretty small guy, and came off as quiet and honest, and I felt genuinely bad for him.
The next day, I picked him up from the hotel and took him to his town's police station so that he could get a police escort to collect his things from his house (standard procedure). The police had us wait almost a half hour before speaking with us even though it was a Sunday morning and we were the only ones in the station (small town). When the two cops finally did come out, they asked what the situation was, and I explained it. They looked at each other, and then one asked the man if there was a restraining order against him. I thought that this was a display of the pervasive and dangerous attitude that men can't be victims, and told them that *he* had been assaulted, he hadn't been the abuser.
I knew one of the cops, so we chatted for a couple minutes about hometown stuff, then they took the man in the squad car and left, and I went back to finish my shift at the shelter.
The man ended up staying in the hotel for three nights before being able to contact family in Ohio and deciding to drive down there to stay with them. He called the hotline again to thank me for all of my help, and expressed genuine gratitude for the concern and caring that I showed him. My agency paid for the hotel stay and gave him money to get out of state, all based on my reports and logs of the event.
Last night, while talking with my supervisor, she told me that he had actually been abusing his wife for over three years, and she had pushed him down the stairs in self-defense. The police had left a message with another department of our agency outlining the entire situation and the wife's statement, letting us know that she might call for sheltering or support services. The information was never relayed to any of the shelter staff, and I fell for all of his bullshit.
I cost my agency over $300 (which is a lot for a non-profit), and helped a violent and manipulative man leave the state and escape any sort of investigation into his abuse. My conscience is seething- I'm angry at myself and at him, and I'm so sad for his wife. I feel bad for distrusting the police officers (especially ones that I know, and that I *know* are good people). I feel bad for wasting resources that should be going to helping victims cover medical fees, getting them winter clothing, making sure that the children we shelter have appropriate food and diapers and toys.
I'm not in any trouble, and my supervisor said that everything that I did was right in line because I didn't know, but even still I feel so played. Residents are always trying to manipulate the counselors, for cigarettes or extra food or to convince us they're not smoking pot when they're out, and I'm used to having my bullshit filter up full-strength while at work. But for some reason I let it down completely with this man and didn't question anything that he said to me. Water under the bridge, but fuck it still doesn't feel very good.
**tl;dr-** Work on a domestic violence hotline, received a call from a man, put him up in a hotel for 3 days and requested that the agency give him money to get out of the state and with family, turns out that the man is the abuser and was hurt while his wife was defending herself. Now I feel like a colossal asshole.
edit: word
**edit:** yes, there is proof that the wife was, in fact, the victim. i don't work closely enough with law enforcement to be privy to their records, but i do trust my supervisor enough that she wouldn't tell me without being totally sure. if there were any questions about the wife's story, i would have heard. there had been previous police involvement on her part before, is all i really know about it, but i don't need to know anymore.
MamaD_Cooks: I don't think you did any thing wrong. In his mind, he was a victim. The problem is he has a distorted view of reality. I would consider your facility another victim to him.
Ronry: I'm thinking the guy is either
1) a sociopath and manipulated the system- which would mean OP is not at fault;unless you know that the person is manipulating you, you can't avoid a sociopath's manipulation- or
2) is psychotic in that he thinks he was being attacked when he attacked his wife, but never had bad enough injuries to push him over the edge, so to speak. When he broke his shoulder, he saw that as validation of the abuse he received.
embs: That's... Not what psychoses are.
It can be something other than a mental disorder or mood disorder. It can be something as simple as incredibly low self-esteem creating a victim complex where his abuse if her is a defense mechanism.
That's not psychoses, and if you think it is, then I strongly recommend you go volunteer somewhere and learn what it actually looks like.
Ronry: Psychoses? Plural? I only meant the second one. I googled the definition.
>noun: psychosis; plural noun: psychoses
>a severe mental disorder in which thought and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality.
Am I interpreting that wrong?
Also, I didn't say that's definitely what happened, I said what I was thinking. Sorry for any confusion.
embs: You're interpreting it correctly, except that you don't understand the magnitude of the contact being lost.
Actual psychososis (or psychoses - plural or not, this holds true) is honestly terrifying to behold. The person does not interact with you like a normal person, because they are in a completely different world - imagine a patient getting up, walking over to medical personnel, grabbing them by the hair and swinging them around (while laughing maniacally), then putting the person down, patting them on the head, and walking back to drink coffee and talk about the weather.
That's psychosis - and that story isn't an exaggeration - it happened to a coworker.
Ronry: Ah, I understand now. I was going by the simple definition, which didn't explain the degree.
Yes, I believe that happened. I've been a patient at a teen psyche ward twice now. Although, I think the staff were among the most unhinged at one of the ward's.
| 7 | 78.428571 | |
1386095019 | 1386097300 | null | t5_2to41 | -1 | sumnames: TIFU by not researching anal pleasure enough
I'm posting this here in the hope i will never forget it...
Recently I've been really turned on by the thought of anal pleasure, i had gone in just a little but not much and always cleaned up after not even knowing if i had to. Maybe i should have googled this... It would have saved me the trouble i went through today, it really was not nice.
So last night is when it happened, i applied some lube and went at it with my fingers, i decided to go a little deeper than usual and damn it felt so good! I felt like i was in heaven, like i had something to live for, when i finally came there was loads.
You can call me weird but i like to sit upside down and ejaculate into my own mouth, i can say I've done weirder, i can get my mouth part way down my penis which i sometimes do and i'd do it all the time if i didn't ache so much the next day, saves explaining why i need to bath at 4am in the morning as although im 18, i still live with my parents. I feel this had an effect on me in the sense that i didn't think of cleaning up at the other end.
I didn't sleep that night, i currently am having sleeping issues and need to get checked for insomnia, well i completely forgot about the lube still all the way in my ass. I went to uni at my normal time, it wasn't until i was in my lecture that i realized my ass seemed wet of some kind, after the lecture i headed to the toilets and saw my worst nightmares... I really shouldn't have ate a fucking curry, it was starting to leak and the idiot that i am, i didn't even think of pooping as i don't like public toilets, it seriously didn't come to mind :(
I thought it was only a little so i held out for the rest of the day, im not sure whether or not it was poop and at the time i hadn't even remembered about the lube. Fast forward to arriving at home, i rushed to the toilet and had the easiest most painless poop ever, thats when i realized why. I had forgot to clean up the lube inside my ass and as a result my briefs or whatever they are called were covered in shit.
It definitely felt good at the time but after this experience im definitely going to remember to clean up afterwards with wipes or something, im not sure if thats a good idea i will for sure research it. I don't fancy slowly letting out wet poop for 6 hours again...
Any advice on anything else i should know would be useful, i don't want to make any other mistakes.
TL:DR Stuck my fingers up my rear end forgetting to clean up the lube afterwards, next day poop slowly slid out, had easy shit but messed up my boxers... Never again, well the leaving the lube part of course...
matthewrulez: "I'm not a messy person though, call me weird but i like to sit upside down and ejaculate into my own mouth, i can say I've done weirder, i can get my mouth 2 inches down my penis which i sometimes do and i'd do it all the time if i didn't ache so much the next day, saves explaining why i need to bath at 4am in the morning as although im 18, i still live with my parents."
How the fuck does any of that have anything to do with the "TIFU". Most of this is stupid and the story could have just been the TL DR if you hadn't padded it out with bullshit about "pansexuality" and god knows what else
sumnames: I kind of felt it was relevant to me not thinking about cleaning up, you are however free to opinion
| 3 | -0.333333 | |
1386108586 | 1386110477 | null | t5_2to41 | 84 | Arca9ine: TIFU by pocket-dialing a priest.
My boyfriend and I were having the sexy times on his bed, and I kind of move around a lot. Somehow I managed to end up laying on my phone, and he suddenly stopped then picked up my phone. I had been calling someone for over ten minutes. I was PRAYING (no pun intended) that it was a random number, but nope. It was my mom's boss... who is a priest.
I wanted to die! I had just left a ten minute long message of me moaning on a priest's phone. I was terrified. I tried to laugh it off, but I couldn't stop freaking the fuck out.
So about an hour later I left to go to work, and I noticed that the priest was calling me back! I nearly had a heart attack. Luckily when I answered he didn't mention anything about a message and asked me about school and stuff. I'm so lucky that he didn't listen to it...
[deleted]: He definitely knew.
Arca9ine: Well shit.
| 3 | 28 | |
1386115979 | 1386295126 | null | t5_2to41 | 53 | throwaway82294: TIFU by decapitating Baby Jesus and creating some sort of Frankenstein monster. (Pics!)
So I work building maintenance at an extremely old hospital (102 years old) st. Elizabeth, obviously a Christian hospital we put out a nativity scene every year, we have a very nice and beautiful hand crafted one that was donated to us, it looks pretty old and pretty expensive. So getting it out of storage I grab the pieces out of the closet and without thinking grab, the baby Jesus figure, manger and all, thinking it was one piece. Crash! Jesus fell to the floor and was decapitated! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I'm terrified as I don't want to explain this to my boss, very religious and sentimental about traditions like this and have to pay and arm and a leg for a replacement. So grab the poor shattered body and head of our savior and quickly hid it in a random box in the maintenance shop. At lunch a took it to the boiler room (tools in there, and nobody is ever down there except to turn the heat on in the mornings) and began my surgery. I secured the specimen in a vice clamp, careful not to over tighten it and fatally wound my patient. I then marked out with dry erase marker, lines, to make sure all the tissue was properly aligned. Then I applied super glue around the neck line on both the torso and head. I then applied the cranium and applied a heat gun. Pleased with my work I inspected, GASP! A giant gaping hole, the pieces had fallen in the hollow corpse and with the sealant applied there was no going back. What to do my patient couldn't go on with a gaping hole in his jugular. I got it! White caulk as a filler material! After all had dried I erased the dry erase, to no avail, I had sealed it in with glue. I used everything! Bleach, windex, drain-O and even paint thinner! I actually rubbed off the orginal paint on the figure! Well this pic sums up what I created, minus the green painters tape. I haven't told anybody yet and am dreading tomorrow.
Tl:dr
I beheaded our savior before he could be crucified.
Update: one of the owners of the hospital wife came down to decorate the lobby and thus set up the nativity scene. Being a heavy smoker (like all the maintenance men), she comes down to smoke in the maintenance shop (against policy but our boss is cool with it. It's the staff and said wife's little secret). She's super cool and I showed her my creation. She laughed her ass off and felt sorry for me. So she said "hey it was an accident and you don't deserve to be fined for trying to do your job, ill take care of it, and don't worry I won't tell my husband." So idk if she gonna fix it somehow, she is artsy fartsy and stuff, or find a replacement. Either way I got an owners wife on my side and I feel confident about the situation. I thanked her to no end of course. Seriously one of the coolest rich people I know!
FuneralShadow: Update?
throwaway82294: For your reading pleasure.
FuneralShadow: Thanks OP!
Edit since I read said update: Damn you got lucky.
| 4 | 13.25 | |
1386122300 | 1386210581 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | AngrySun: TIFU by cutting y cocked
(thhrowaway...for various purposes)
long story short...I was out partying with my friends to celebrate all handing in our exam papers. We walk around town after the bars close, got our beer cans, and I want to pee, but don't want to pee in some ones garden, because you know..I'm considerate, so my friend says to me trying to persuade me to piss in someones garden on a tree, to just pee in one of the empty beer cans. Great idea! No mess and it's all nice and tidy. Here we go, pissing in a beer can. Turns out the edges are pretty sharp and i'm drunk and its cold outside I flinch and the edge of the beer can cuts a DEEP rift in y cocked that's pressed pretty deep into the beer can-hole as to prevent any spilling. I feel a slight tingle and something warm. I have cut my head and it's bleeding profusely both due to the cold and the fact that I have consumed a large amount of alcohol...FML!
I am now home pressing thick cotton swabs on my poor cocked. Noway I'm going to the doctor with this shit!
So that's my little fuck-up...sorry for the bad grammar/spelling, I' quite drunk...and Danish...goodnight!
idontcarejustletme: TIL you have a thin penis
AngrySun: I'm Danish :/
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1386122564 | 1386128039 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU By stealing a calculator.
IRideVelociraptors: Hi siriboss, because this was an honest mistake and it could have happened to everyone coupled with the fact that you returned it fairly easily, this post has been removed because of rule 2.
We would like to thank you for contributing though!
siriboss: kk
| 3 | 1 | |
1386132062 | 1386168122 | null | t5_2to41 | 768 | iweartails: TIFU by choking on the "D".
This was actually a couple days ago, but why not.
So it's Thanksgiving and I go to my boyfriend's great aunts with him. Dinner goes well and all that jazz. Then we go downstairs with his little brother and watch cartoons with him.
Fast forward about an hour, I end up giving him head in the bathroom. I'd never been on my knees before doing this and so we both were lost in it. It gets to "the good part" and I end up getting cum shot at the back of my throat. Being startled because of no warning, I bit down.
Let's just say I'm not getting any for a little while, I guess it would be injury compensation.
Edit: my 13 year old comments
milk_in_my_sippy_cup: When you orally stimulate your boyfriend's penis, you should not be surprised when he ejaculates in your mouth.
Are you not familiar with how the male orgasm works?
greenducklord: They said "we're horny people get over it". They obviously are 13.
BenjaminGeiger: Where's the spork?
ThaBlobFish: hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m
Professor_Pajamas: I still don't understand why bisexuality seems so common in kids that age.
ThaBlobFish: I think it is because it's edgy or something.
Olpainless: Or, I dunno, maybe people feel more comfortable with the fact the sexuality is a spectrum?
Maybe they're more able now to say "I like girls AND boys", with less stigma.
I cannot fucking stand the "Oh everyone is faking their sexuality to be cool" bullshit. Have fun with that giant pole rammed up your arsehole.
ThaBlobFish: Maybe they're not sure and try to experiment.
Olpainless: Which is still a better explanation than "they're trying to be cool". As a gay man, lemme tell you, there's absolutely fuck all "cool" about being LGBT.
theshinepolicy: You sound like a straight guy trapped in a gay mans body.
Lonelan: deal w/ it
| 12 | 64 | |
1386143537 | 1386275094 | null | t5_2to41 | 73 | I_Pooped_in_a_bag: TIFU: I had to take a shit in a bag.
This morning when I woke up, I was so comfortable. My bed was so warm and cozy. But the gurgling feeling in my stomach was pressuring me to get the fuck up and use the bathroom.
I kept dozing, drifting in and out of sleep for maybe an hour before the pressure in my abdomen could take no more. I rolled myself out of bed and started putting on clothes to make my journey to the bathroom. I figured I would microwave some ramen while I took my morning shit so I could have breakfast immediately after the bathroom.
So as I'm preparing my ramen, I go to stick it in the microwave and get nearly knocked off my feet by my roommate running down the stairs and into the bathroom. Shit.
My situation was already critical. I hear him in there, taking his own massive dump, while I'm in my room in agony. Ten minutes go by before I finally hear him flush the toilet. To my dismay, rather than leaving the bathroom, the shower turns on.
10, 15, 20 minutes go by while that fucker is just taking his sweet old time in that shower. By this point I'm pacing all over my room. I can't hold it. I've never had to poop so bad in my entire life. It's not diarrhea or anything. I just really fucking have to shit.
Five more minutes go by and I'm beside myself. I'm frantic. I'm not going to shit myself. *Not again.*
I begin looking for options. I'm not shitting in a bowl. I'm not going outside, there's a blizzard out there. Finally I come upon a plastic grocery bag. So I spread the bag out, drop trow, and lay a deuce right there. In my room. Into a plastic bad. not even thirty seconds after I've just committed to the lowest low in my life, my roommate turns of the shower and is out of there in record time. If only I had waited.
era650: I absolutely fucking HATE IT when roommates can't get their "shit" together and get in and out of the bathroom in reasonable time.
[deleted]: That is why i alwas ask if somebody needs to be in there anytime soon. Also partially because my fumes are toxic.
TheSwissRedditor2: oh by the way... *facing his balls* yodeli yodeli yodeli hoho! :D
^sorry, ^our ^usernames ^are ^just ^too ^relevant ^:D
| 4 | 18.25 | |
1386162027 | 1386283039 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,236 | RG68: TIFU by covertly and accidentally discovering my housemates porn habits, without even touching his computer.
Christ, I'm not sure I can look at him the same way again ahahaha. I wasn't even snooping on his computer, I've never used his let alone look at his browser history or anything.
About a year ago I showed him a picture of a funny reaction gif, he thought it was hilarious and asked where I found it. I told him whenever I see a funny gif I put it in my gifs bookmark folder. We spent a good half hour just trawling through my amusing gifs, great times. He asked if I could send him all the bookmarks.
I figured the easiest way to do this would be for him to log into his google account on my laptop and then copy my gifs folder into his bookmarks.
The unintended consequence of this was that our bookmarks folders synced across both accounts. No biggie, his bookmarks were just a load of LOL strategy guides and gaming related shit. I deleted them from my bookmarks, and forgot about everything.
Fast forward almost a year...to today.
I've recently discovered the joys of Dashlane Password manager. So today I install it on my laptop, and it pops up with a warning about storing unencrypted passwords in your browser. This came as a surprise, because I never save passwords in my browser, precisely because I don't think its secure. Today I completely vindicated that belief. In the process of swapping those bookmarks a year ago, I also accidentally swapped every single password stored on my housemates google account, which Dashlane handily listed in alphabetical order.
Gay porn, Transexual Porn, Furry Porn, Futanari, Hentai, all the weird shit. Dashlane listed his logins to every single weird porn site he was subscribed to, all registered to his personal email account.
TL;DR Do not use your personal email for naughty things.
[deleted]: >Gay porn, Transexual Porn, Furry Porn, Futanari, Hentai, all the weird shit
Meh, it could have been worse. In comparison to some of the truly fucked up porn the internet has to offer, that shit is practically PG-13.
[deleted]: Yesterday, while removing ransomware from my dads laptop I discovered that he is into bestiality... so there's that.
[deleted]: >bestiality
Now we're getting somewhere. What are we talking? Domesticated, farmyard, or wild?
[deleted]: Mostly horse+woman and dog+woman but I also spotted a man with his dick in a chicken.
I haven't told him yet and I can't even talk normally to my mother anymore. I wonder if she's into it. I'm going to jokingly mention it tomorrow.
[deleted]: Post results.
[deleted]: Will do. I see my mom tomorrow anyway because she's going to help me buy a ring for my girlfriend as a present. Should I just ask her or make horse noises?
TheErrorist: You're going to get your dad in big trouble.
[deleted]: What should I do then? Honestly, I don't know what to do with this.
Should I just keep it to myself?
TheErrorist: This is absolutely the kind of thing you keep to yourself. The chances of your mom being on board are slim, and the chances of your dad being mortified and this whole thing causing problems is much, much larger. Not worth the 10 seconds of entertainment.
[deleted]: Thank you. First I was joking about the whole thing but I realize that it's actually pretty serious.
My dad has his laptop and my mom has hers and he came to me to get rid of this virus he had. I don't think he realizes that I could see what he was doing.
I did ask him about porns since we all are men and we do watch it. He said that his friend (he really has a friend that visits) showed him some porn on the pc earlier. Then I found that he searched for animal porno.
I'm actually more motivated to find him some safe sites that suits his needs so he doesn't get viruses and sites that guarantee animal well being :s
SuperbusAtheos: /r/spaceclop
TBS_: What is that sub about, i'm not really planning on clicking it.
over8000: Oh it's bestiality.
| 14 | 88.285714 | |
1386142610 | 1386258588 | null | t5_2to41 | 53 | [deleted]: TIFU by being oblivious while getting dressed
Well this was really two summers ago, but regardless still a fuck up.
Anyways, a little bit of back story: my house was getting renovations done at the time. It was primarily for the kitchen, bathrooms, and other small tasks. It was mostly done by two men who were both very nice people--I’m pretty sure it was a father and son duo. The son, let’s call him Shaggy because he resembled the Scooby-doo character, looked to be a few years older than me, maybe 23-24ish. Moving on!
So it’s a typical morning. I had just risen from the dead that I call my slumber and rolled out of bed ready (okay, let’s be real here. I definitely wasn’t ready) to start my day. I wash my face, brush my teeth… all that typical fun stuff you do in the mornings. What’s next? Putting on clothes obviously. So naturally I strip down to just my panties—I’m in the comfort of my own bedroom, who needs clothes anyways. It would be worth mentioning here that I have a walk-in closet. It’s stuffed to the brim with my clothes, and at this time it looked like a natural disaster just plowed straight through it. Purses, hats, books, jeans, shirts… everything littered the floor. It was as if my drawers and hangers just barfed everything out onto the floor like a bad hangover. It would also be worth mentioning that I have a window in my closet. Now normally, I’m pretty cautious. But since I live on the second floor, I figured that no one will ever see this mess or see me as I prance around half naked looking for an outfit. Therefore I never shut the blinds. Sounds somewhat logical, right?
*Well I was wrong.*
I open up the door to my closet and do my thing. Like always, the first thing I do is open up my drawers to find a bra. I quickly find one that I feel will make me feel extra awesome for the day, and then just take a minute to stand around in all my naked glory. I step out of the closet to put it on in front of the mirror, when I hear something. I don’t really remember what it exactly was, something like a dull thud coming from outside. Strange. So from where I was standing (literally just one step outside the closet—the window is maybe 5 feet straight ahead from where I’m standing), I just look up through the window, and who do I see but Shaggy. Fucking Shaggy. Outside, literally 5 inches away from the window, on a ladder. With a hammer “busily” fixing something. And what a sneaky and quiet fellow he was. I didn’t even notice that he was there the whole time while I waltzed around unknowingly giving him a live show in the middle of my stupidly scattered mess of shame. I quickly pounced back in the closet and hastily clawed down those blinds. I grabbed some shorts and a shirt and threw those on. A few minutes later, I went downstairs to get some food… and right inside the front door stands Shaggy and his dad talking to my mother. It seems that their work is finally completed. Right before they turn to leave, Shaggy and I make eye contact. I won’t ever forget that smirk on his face confirming that he saw everything. On the bright side our kitchen and bathrooms look fabulous.
**TLDR; My obliviousness strikes again as I accidentally flashed the guy renovating my house my bountiful titties. I was rewarded a shit eating grin.**
Teddie1056: Scoob! I like, found something than better than a Scooby Snack!
Reehehehehehehe
[deleted]: *SCOOBY BOOBY DOO!*
*hehehehehehehehe*
| 3 | 17.666667 | |
1386171319 | 1386215860 | null | t5_2to41 | -8 | Jimithing1: TIFU by FB stalking my ex...
Only to see how much she loves her new lover and how happy she is... and before you tell me FB stalking is a bad idea, I already know and i've been so good leaving her alone. But today my curiosity got the best of me and it really ended up burning me in the ass...like always.
TheUprightMan: Sounds like you need the new wonder drug Hoogivsafuk, I would suggest consulting your physician before starting treatment.
WARNING: Hoogivsafuk side affects include but are not limited to: rectal burning/bleeding, increase chance of heart attack or stroke in turtles, increased sensitivity to the vagina you will grow, and mild itching in your ear.
TheWave110: I know you're getting downvoted but this is amazing, just wanted to let you know.
TheUprightMan: Thanks, and at least I have a TIFU to post now, (insert half-hearted crying-on-the-inside laughter).
| 4 | -2 | |
1386175975 | 1386257032 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,193 | buttsexfireball: TIFU by mixing butt sex and fireball whiskey
Okay, so last Friday I decided to sleep with someone and try out anal. I'd only ever tried receiving once or twice. It took me a while to get them inside me, but eventually I just pushed really hard and got it in. It was the best sex of my entire life. Every single thrust felt so overwhelmingly awesome. My entire brain turned to mush and I was kind of in a drooling mess of ecstasy. I finished twice. The next day, however, when I went to do my business, I noticed blood on the TP. The next week consisted of some very painful poops. However, it started healing up and was better and better each time.
Monday night, I realized it'd been over a week since I'd gone out drinking, so I figured, "Hey, I don't have class until noon tomorrow, why not go out and get drunk with my little in my fraternity?" So I went to do just that, but most of the bars were completely empty or wouldn't take my little's international ID. So we decided to grab some fireball whiskey from his room and drink back at my house. We were just drinking it completely straight, because it tastes delicious and really doesn't need a mixer. I thought all was fine.
I went to bed and woke up around 11AM with the overwhelming urge to shit. I swear to God the next twenty minutes were some of the worst minutes of my life. It felt like someone had literally taken a blowtorch to my asshole and held it there. I was crying and painfully shitting out liquid fire through my poor, torn asshole. I finished and proceeded to skip class and cry in my bed for an hour straight.
TL;DR: Don't mix fire and torn anuses.
EDIT: If this frontpages, I will probably delete it. People in my fraternity are on Reddit and they probably would recognize this was me by the story.
EDIT2: Whatever, I don't care if my brothers see this. Haha. For the record, I'm a gay male and I usually drink a bit classier alcohol.
EDIT3: TIFU by getting to the front page. I really hope someone fucks up a lot worse this week so I don't end up as FOTW... Haha. Also, to all of you giving tips for easier anal sex, I really appreciate it. I'm usually a top though and I followed all the steps I take with guys that bottom for me (at least fifteen minutes of anal play using fingers/toys before attempting anything, going slow, going on top and sitting down on it, etc.), but I think because I was nervous I subconsciously was closing off. But anyway, thanks for your concern for my well-being! My butthole feels much better today. :)
Kamenosuke: I can't tell if you're a dude who goes both ways or a chick from reading this.
The_Sloppy_Tugger: I think he's a dude
Raguilar: > fraternity
I think you're right.
pezz29: There are frats for women. Sigma Alpha Iota, for example.
Edit: Not really sure why this warrants downvotes. Copy paste the Greek letters I typed and Google it if you don't believe me. And since it was formed by women from the 1920's I'm even more confused if you're downvoting me because you hold me personally responsible for the existence of a woman's fraternity.
BrokenByReddit: Isn't a "frat for women" by definition not a frat? Since you know, frater = brother and all that?
Lrs8855: A greek letter organization that accepts both males and females is considered a fraternity, by default. This assumes it meets the other requirements to be a fraternity, though.
pablos4pandas: There are actually some coed Greek letter organizations as well, such as tau beta sigma
jmixdorf: That used to be a female-only sorority. However, them and Kappa kappa psi (their brother fraternity) both went ℅-ed in the 70s
pablos4pandas: Yup! Because of title 9 I believe. I'm actually rushing kkpsi, so I guess I'll learn about it at some point.
jmixdorf: That's actually not why. Membership numbers at some institutions were too low to have both orgs. So some schools have one or the other. Hence, co-ed.
[deleted]: Correct. A lot of fraternal mergers and the like happened due to low numbers. These low enrollment and participation numbers coincide with events like the WWII, Korea, Vietnam etc etc. Very few Fraternal organizations, which have been around >100 years, have been solo the whole time.
| 12 | 182.75 | |
1386189459 | 1386263520 | null | t5_2to41 | 50 | bassri: Today I fucked up by losing my friend's flash drive
Today I borrowed my friend's flash drive so I can transfer some files we were working on for our group project. I was working on a computer in the library. After I finished working, I forgot to unplug the flash drive from the computer and went back home. Later she contacted me to return the drive to her, and that's when i realized that I have lost it. I went back to the library but it was gone. When I told her that I lost it she just whispered fuck. She was very shocked. Then she told me that she had her CV, recommendation letter from her boss, and other papers in it, then she just left.
she later txted saying this:
" You need to keep looking for it, that USB literally has my life on it. I'm bawling my eyes out right now, that USB meant everything to me and I trusted you with it."
Feels horrible man...
vgalosky: Once again, ALWAYS BACK YOUR SHIT UP!!
deshe: Yeah, I don't get people who don't.
A friend of mine had his laptop stolen with his fucking **more than halfway written Ph.D thesis** for which he obviously had **no backup**.
Ju1cY_0n3: Holy mother of god that must have set him back at least 4 months...
| 4 | 12.5 | |
1386193279 | 1386194989 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | guildwars22: TIFU by forgetting something in by instructors car for the second week in a row.
I have driving lessons once a week. Last week I forgot my license in the car. Today I left my backpack in the car. I have a huge test tomorrow so now it will be difficult to study, I also have a major assignment due tomorrow that is in my backpack. I am an idiot.
CapgrasX13: So call them and get it back?
guildwars22: I did call and they said they would drop it off if they were in the area. They said the same thing last week about my license but I didn't get it until my next lesson.
| 3 | 1 | |
1386197162 | 1386303186 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | Showerheadmolester: TIFU by mentally scarring my cleaning lady
Well this is awkward.
I live in a house where sound proofing isnt a key part of its integrity. Its a small quaint little place.
My landlord gets a cleaner in once a week to spruce the place up and stuff. We are both busy professionals so neither of us have time to clean. She comes every friday. Today is thursday.
Yesterday, my handsome and sexy booty call was too tired from work and didnt want to insult me by being crap in bed. Fair enough. However, some sexy snapchats had been sent back and forth over the past few days so i was riled up and ready to sit on the D. Too bad, we have to reschedule for next week.
I woke up this morning and have a few hours until i start work. I was feeling particularly horny and still blue walled from last night (i drank a few glasses of whiskey before falling asleep, didnt get the chance to rub one out)
I quickly hop into the shower and set it to the solid pulsating massage stream and go to town on myself. I wasnt long at all, 5 minutes at best. Because i assumed i was going to be alone, when i came i may have let slip a little moan and my booty calls name. Not overly loudly, but in a quiet house, you could probably hear it.
Along with the water stream change and i set the shower head back to normal, had a quick shower and got out.
As i was walking back to my room, i heard her in the kitchen cleaning shit up.
My cleaning lady now knows i masturbate with the showerhead. She has to clean the bathroom next...
Nozphexezora: At least she didn't hear you moan *her* name.
"Mmmm... Consuela! Give that old hallway a dusting!"
Showerheadmolester: This made me feel a lot better about the situation
Nozphexezora: You are welcome. Please join /r/CCQ I'm so lonely.
| 4 | 10 | |
1386199050 | 1386199603 | null | t5_2to41 | 39 | RikM: TIFU. I just got away with the single largest fuck up of my adult life.
Before I start, this may not be counted as such a big TIFU because I did get away with it. Although I did still fuck up.
So at the end of the shift at work, I am required to remove the notes from the 3 tills in my kiosk and look after the money until the cash office come to collect it. After something happened, one of the managers sent me off to do another job away from my kiosk, so I left the £720 in the charge of a colleague - I should not have, and would not normally have done this but circumstances played a part. When I returned to the kiosk a couple of minutes later, I was told by the girls that the money had been collected. I thought nothing of this.
After my staff had left, I was returning the coinage to the cash office where I was told the float had not been collected. I was told that thanks to me, £720 had gone missing - probably walked out of the door in the pockets of my staff.
This had me panicking - cash office where going to have to report this to the managers who would decide how to treat this fuck up and probably fire me. I was then told I should go find my manager and own up to it before they radioed it through . . .
Turns out that cash office thought this was a funny prank.
Dgrizzgrizz: Damn. That feeling of relief anger at the same time. I know that feeling.
RikM: The main one was the embarrassment.
Dgrizzgrizz: Ahh yes. I knew I was missing something.
| 4 | 9.75 | |
1386200788 | 1386228966 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | stormforce702: TIFU by breaking a girls ankle
The breaking of the ankle was last week, but this post is of the aftermath which took place today.
So last week we were playing dodgeball, and I was part of it as I would normally be. So, as we were playing and the game was getting intense, and I started searching for a ball to actually throw. I found one, rolling past me, and, doing what a normal soccer-player like me would do, I put my foot out to stop it and pick it up. Well, as I did that, a girl ran right in front of me, and somehow my right foot met her right foot, and it just seemed like she tripped. Nothing looked wrong, I never heard a snap or anything, but she did say "ow". I said sorry really quickly and picked up the ball and continued playing. She looked ok when I saw her again later the same day, so I didn't say anything. That was last week, a day or two before Thanksgiving break.
Well, today was our first day back. I hadn't really thought much about what had happened until today, when I saw her wearing a bright pink cast on her leg walking through the halls. Immediately I started thinking "Oh shit, did I do that?" Well, I found the answer- which is yes- and I had no idea at all. It seemed just like we crossed feet, it didn't feel like anything happened when our feet collided, but obviously something did. I haven't ever really said two words to this girl, so I'd feel really weird going up to her and apologizing profusely, I don't know if that's just my inner awkwardness or something different. Now I'm pretty sure she and all of her friends think I'm a huge dick, and I don't know if I should really feel bad or not. I'm more of the quiet kid in my school, not trying to be outgoing or anything, but now that people know I broke this girl's ankle, they are probably going to think differently of me. I don't know if I should just wait this one out until her ankle heals, or if I really should apologize, even if I have no real idea of who this girl is.
I know this isn't like regular posts in this subreddit, it isn't funny, it's just something I need to get off my chest before anything else happens.
EDIT: So what I'll do is, since my school has this thing for Christmas where you can give candy canes to people for about 50 cents each, I'll give her a whole bunch of those, then the day after I'll approach her and apologize in person.
ApacheChi3f: She should apologize to you for having a calcium deficiency.
whelp_welp: Damn man, it may be true but it still sucks to break a bone.
ApacheChi3f: Yeah, I know. I'm just kidding. It'll blow over though.
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1386198304 | 1386209780 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | GhostsofDogma: TIFU: The past month or so has been so hectic that I, um... sorta... Forgot my online class existed.
In my defense, my daily life is already fucked up on a daily basis from my ADHD, OCD, depression, anxiety disorders, etc. I'm incredibly forgetful but never, ever this much. The only reason I even realized it was because I received an email from the service we use for online classes notifying me that they'd done a routine password reset. (You normally do not receive email notifications at all, as the whole thing is self-contained with its own little messaging system.) I thought taking an online class would be a bad idea from the beginning, but it was a required course...
I'm scared to go on and check how much work I haven't done... I'm already so backed up with other late work it's crazy. Did I mention school ends in slightly over a week?
I mean, how the fuck do you even tell the professor that? "Oh um, the reason I dropped off the fuckin map for weeks is because I forgot your class was even a thing. WHOOPS"
prodigyx: Maybe lay off the prescription pills.
[deleted]: Ummm... If they are prescription... You really shouldn't...
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1386204124 | 1386254070 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by not taking suicide seriously.
TIFU by not taking suicide seriously.
First,suicide is a big deal and It is very disrespectful to Joke about it even if It was Not meant to be taken seriously, and now I feel Incredibly guilty.
So today In class, We were informed that there are going to Be visitors Coming in to talk a little about Suicide prevention and to show a video about it as well. I didn't think to much of it since I'm used to people coming into class to speak about this topic; I've been hearing about it all throughout high school. As a senior, I was aware that a group juniors were going to present today(I had to do it last year) so I wasn't really to fond of that; Since most of them are little arrogant shits. but I decided to just treat them how I would want to be treated if I were presenting.
Fast forward to when they walk in, I notice one person In particular that I had held a pretty good grudge against for Reasons that I don't want to get into, so immediately I somewhat Snap into Bitch mode, meaning that I just didn't give a flying F about her input on any sort of topic however I was interested in the groups video so, I decide to listen to what they had to say. Now, When they began the presentation, They were very disrespectful, had poor body language and over all, very unprofessional, they just wanted to get this presentation over with and seemed to not really care about their topic at all. They went through most of their slides on a PowerPoint very Quickly and When it came time for them to ask the class on our input is when I really got annoyed with them. (she who shall not be named) that I don't like was the main speaker so Of course I didn't even bother to participate in these questions. Then she handed out surveys, they were just generally asking about Our experiences with bullying, they were anonymous of course. So me, still in bitch mode, decide It would satisfy my Bitchiness if I drew a decent sized middle finger on it, Because I was aware that she was going to collect it and see it as a sign of my..appreciation towards her. Fast forward, She collects the papers all in a bunch so mine kind of got lost somewhere in the middle of it, so I knew she would see it if she looked through them but I stared to feel kind of bad if someone else had seen it. Fast forward again, They finish their presentation and leave the class. Now, My class is notorious for Speech and Debate, since our teacher gets a kick out of our opinions, so He decided to ask us how we felt about the presentation, Immediately everyone starts shouting about how poor it was and how they were kind if disrespectful to the audience during it and he was agreeing and adding in the unprofessional points of their presentation and finally agreeing on what we had to say. Then, The dean of Students walks into the classroom, shit. I see one of their group members walk along with her and now I know the wrong person saw the drawing of a hand flipping the bird and told the dean of students, now I am a Straight A student, have a good reputation with teachers and people so I kind of started to feel anxious about what he was going to say. He explains about how rude it was and who ever did it should stand up and confess. Well, In front of the whole damn class I sure as hell wasn't going to do it. I didn't want to ruin my reputation with my teacher, He's always letting me slide if I missed a question on an assessment or Made a couple of grammar mistakes, It's very hard to get on his good side, I can't fuck it up. So I chickened out I didn't confess. I was the asshole who Drew a middle finger on the anti-Bullying/suicide paper. My teacher was very upset and wanted a confession again, In front of the whole class and Everyone was pointing fingers at each other and Getting angry, (Teacher had cancelled all end of year Activities until someone did confess) and I was sitting in the back of the class trying to act normal and not be to suspicious while the guilt was eating me up inside as everyone pointed fingers at each other. I know we will probably not have any end of year activities Because of me. Although I do hate every soul in my class, I feel very guilty. I had just stooped down to the juniors level of shittyness, if I did confess I would loose all respect I had Worked hard to gain and Have to spend the rest of the year with my whole class hating me for making such an asshole move.
ilredus: tldr please
Nozphexezora: TL;DR
-----------------------
She's at School when a bullying/anti-suicide presentation is organised for her class. She (OP) apparently hates one of the students(?) doing the presentation for reasons unknown, and believes the presentation was poorly executed (many of the other students agreed). There were short surveys handed out to each student where they were asked to anonymously write down experiences with bullying. Op, being a teenager, thought it wise to draw a middle-finger so that her sworn enemy would see it and be upset.
As it turned out, her enemy did see it (apparently). And the dean came back to the class and demanded a confession. The class pointed fingers, and OP is now profoundly guilty over such a trivial situation.
ADVICE
--------------------------
OP, don't even bother confessing. This isn't something to be guilty about. If anybody was upset about it, it's just teenage drama and nobody should be compensated for being insulted by a drawing of a middle finger, that may or may not have been directed at them in the first place. Don't confess, and try not even worry about it. I guarantee the guilt will pass in a week or two. The fact that you have such overwhelming guilt that you would seriously consider confessing, I would say your regret of what you have done is consequence enough. And when you think about it, it's kind of selfish to confess this and cause even more turmoil for your own moral retribution.
On that note, learn from your mistakes. What you did was fairly pathetic. Don't be so overly-critical towards your class-mates. They are teenagers just like you, and your unfounded hatred towards them is reason enough for *them* to reasonably despise you. This kind of hatred towards others is good in some ways, as you learn not to trust people, but it's mostly an insidious belief. I should know, me and my Brother have this very problem. My Brother and I *hate* so many people, and I'm only starting to realise that, despite their many problems, I have no authority to be so critical to somebody who is only human. We all make mistakes, and so do you, so do I.
We're all human.
| 3 | 1 | |
1386213369 | 1386214181 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by clogging my toilet...right after the plumber fixed it two hours ago
This is a kind of embarrassing story for me and I should probably use a throwaway, but whatever. So, this story begins last Friday evening. My stomach was not feeling so hot after Thanksgiving. Let's just say I was very glad to be back at my apartment after spending a few days at my parents house. I'm kind of a shy when it comes to bathroom stuff and I don't like a lot of people around. Most girls are similar in this regard from my experience. Well, not really thinking about it I did my business and flushed, happy to be rid of the excessive Thanksgiving matter in my digestive tract.
This is where the problems started. The toilet got clogged. No big deal, I live in a not so new building. The toilet is pretty old and has drained slowly since I moved in a few months ago. This time was different, though I had not realized that yet. My first mistake was to flush a second time after some plunging. Generally with this particular toilet that will fix it up. Nope. Instead I watched in horror as the toilet overflowed. Once I realized what was happening I tried to take the back cover off so I could stop the water, but it was too late. Nasty toilet water all over the floor. I mopped it up pretty fast but then there was the issue of the clog.
At this point my boyfriend noticed. It would have been hard for him not to as we live in a one bedroom and he saw me frantically run into the hallway to prevent the water from getting to the carpet. I'm pretty embarrassed about the toilet thing, but I figure that I've never not been able to unclog a toilet. How bad could it be? Well, I tried plunging it for at least an hour. Then he tried. No avail. I tried using a coat hanger. Didn't work. The clog must be far back in the pipes. Time to try something else. We went to the store and bought a different type of plunger (hoping it would have more suction). We were going to go ahead and buy a pipe snake but my boyfriend didn't want to spend the money on it quite yet. We tried the new plunger...also didn't work. Boyfriend decided to go back to the store to get a pipe snake. Instead he comes home with some super toxic product that unclogs drains. Now I was pretty sure that it was for sinks not for toilets and I voiced my concerns. He said he read the packaging and it said it was fine. I figured, whatever, I need to get the toilet unclogged I'll try it. I poured in half the bottle and waited the allotted time. Nothing again. I looked more closely at the bottle and in very small italics it said "not for toilets". Shit. Now I've poured VERY toxic chemicals in the toilet which will make it even harder to fix. Small drops of the stuff got on my bathmat and turned parts of it orange. It was a blue bathmat that I liked so I was a bit annoyed at that.
I send my boyfriend back out again to the store to get the original pipe snake I said we needed while I continue to plunge the the evil toilet. He returns and we finally manage to get it unclogged...but I'm not optimistic. The toilet is still draining super slowly. I try pouring some hot water in it since I heard that could help. We wait a while and I try flushing a small amount of toilet paper. Guess what happens? It gets clogged again! At this point we're both frustrated and upset. It's about to be the weekend and we won't be able to get our landlord to get us a plumber until Monday.
So we dealt with having no toilet for the whole weekend, which sucked because as I stated before I can't really use public bathrooms for certain things...
We talk to our landlord an he says he can get a plumber out on Tuesday (today). He was supposed to show up early in the morning but instead showed up around 5:30 in the evening. He used a pipe auger and the toilet appeared to be working again. Nope...It only managed to stay unclogged for about two hours until I clogged it again about 30 minutes ago. I haven't tried to fix it except with a coat hanger and plunging but I'm just really frustrated to have this shitty (sorry about pun) toilet that doesn't even work. I mean...we're paying to have a working bathroom and there are only so many times that I want to pee in the shower. It can get kind of gross if you do it too much and I'm sick of having to remove my clothes beforehand as it's cold and I'm wearing a lot of layers.
Sorry for the huge wall of text. This seemingly small issue has been inconveniencing me for almost a week at this point. At this point, any advice would be appreciated. I feel like we've tried pretty much everything except for Rid-X. I guess we'll have to call out the plumber again but I think that there is more of an issue than a simple clog. I'm also just overall embarrassed about the whole thing...I'm a small girl. I'm not supposed to be superclogging toilets, twice.
TLDR: Small girl superclogged toilet with massive movements...twice OR my toilet is a piece of shit
Also, sorry for any typos I am angry and I just want to get this all out there...I'll fix it up later.
[deleted]: If it makes you feel better I went on vacation with my boyfriend and of course the first stop was the first non-public toliet I have seen since 3am that morning..... I clogged the toilet up within the first 2 minutes we were at the hotel room -_-
[deleted]: Ouch. That's particularly bad since you are travelling. Thanks though, I'm glad to know I'm not alone in such problems.
[deleted]: Yea I get an upset tummy really easily during travel and such, so you can only imagine the mess that was made in that bathroom when the toilet overflowed
Yea, it sounds like maybe it's a bigger problem than your toilet, just keep being persistent with your landlord and eventually they'll fix it =).
| 4 | 2 | |
1386220311 | 1386308637 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | ralasinchains: TIFU by Taking a Gemini Scanner to the Face
Okay to preface, this actually happened a little bit ago, but nonetheless is a great account of the accidents that happen when you work in a warehouse.
So, one day at work I was lugging around my scanner, they are these fat ancient things called Geminis. They are overly bulky, probably weighing a bit over a pound. I have to walk with this thing in my arms for 10-12 hours a day, so at times, you will drop your scanner, your elbow will cramp up, or something else that happens when you do repetitive motion with a light weighted object.
Well one day while working I had to load some product into a tote to go off to shipping. Normal daily stuff for a picker. So I dropped what must have been 20 pounds of books into the tote with the scanner in my hand. When I did this my arm recoiled back up and into my face. I saw fucking black spots for a second like what normally happens when you hit your nose...but I didn't just hit my nose. I hit my lip.
I get that taste of blood in my mouth, the special one that only happens when you get teeth drilled or you fuck your mouth up BAD. I take my hand and press it to my lips when I pull my hand back I look at my glove, and yep...there's a shit ton of blood. I take my glove off as to not alert HR to my tremendous idocy, I tuck in my bottom lip, I walk to the bathroom after unloading tote, look into the mirror, and find a pool of blood dripping out my mouth.
I kept blotting my face, like it would help, I managed to get it cleaned up enough to see my bottom lip went straight into my teeth. A split line remained. I hide in stall, manage to get the bleeding down to a reasonable level and head off to lunch. I show my best friend who worked there and two words came out of his mouth "dumb ass". I decided to walk off with my tail between my legs, ask for the second half of the day off from HR, they gave it to me, I didn't give a reason. I now have a permanent scar of the line of my teeth on my bottom lip.
TL:DR I used to be a picker like you until I took a Gemini to the face.
Enchanted254: Dropping one on your foot doesn't feel so good either.
ralasinchains: I heard of a kid in the Warehouse where I worked who got fired for dropping one down two floors and it landed square on some guy's head. I guess the guy had a massive fracture and deep brain bruising.
Enchanted254: Damn. At least the guy's ok now?
| 4 | 3 | |
1386225562 | 1386239826 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | redsmashingoasis: Tifu Wrap your ercetion with proctection or else youll get a sexually tranmitted infection NSFW
So a couple weeks back I had sex with my friend. Usually Im very safe(on the pill,condoms what have you) but lets call him, Harrison, didnt have any condoms. Now weve both slept with alot of people but he promised me he didnt have any sort of infection and I know for a fact I was clean, so we proceeded (stupid me I know).
*I use condoms all the time and I get checked after every person usually just to be safe. I thought nothing would happen this one time*
Well cue to this week. My cooter was itchy and burny, hurt to pee and super leaky. It was just fairly unpleasent. I go to the clinic, they do a cunt scrape and lo and behold...
CHLYMIDIA!!
Sweet, so now Im on a bunch of pills, I feel very dirty and Im very upset. But I also learned a very valuable lesson ( which is my title of this post )
I was given pills that stop the infection and the only way I can get it is if I catch it again. I also had to tell "Harrison", but he was very cool and hes also getting tested too and taking care of that.
TL;DR: I was growing something in my vajayjay for a week and a bit.
mommy2libras: If it makes you feel any better, the test they'll do on him will suck- they'll stick a giant q-tip in his pee hole. At least, that's what they used to do to check for stuff. Maybe it's different now.
Dognies: Now I'm pretty sure it's just a urine test
mommy2libras: That's good. Getting tested regularly is important and no one wants to do it if they're getting a big q-tip shoved into their man parts.
Also, the guys I knew that got tested had it done at our county health department, not a regular doctor's office. That may have had something to do with the type of test. typically, they'll do whatever is cheapest.
idontcarejustletme: I got tested recently. It checked for 8 STDs (including chlamydia) and it was just a urine test and a blood test. But it cost like $200, which makes me ask OP...where do you get tested so often without spending a fortune? I'd get tested every time too if it weren't so expensive.
Edit: if the cheaper option includes q-tips up my pee-hole, I'd rather risk STDs
AlizarinQ: Try planned parenthood
| 6 | 5.333333 | |
1386231292 | 1386243393 | null | t5_2to41 | 57 | Throwaway314135: TIFU by accidentally cutting off part of my scrotum with a pair of scissors. [NSFW]
So today I decided for the first time to try to shave my pubic hair. I hadn't shaved it before, so the hairs were quite long. I tried going for it with the razor, but it wasn't working too well because the long hairs would get stuck in the blade. I decided to get some scissors and trim down the hairs first.
When I trimmed them, I would pull them taught to avoid cutting myself. All was going well until I decided to get to the hairs on my scrotum. After a few snips I suddenly felt a stinging pain in my ballsack. When I first looked down I didn't see blood, so I thought I was okay. I pulled away the hairs to dispose of them and attached to one I saw a little piece of flesh stuck onto the end.
I looked down and then saw that I had started bleeding. It took about 10 minutes to get the bleeding to stop, but I'm okay now. It wasn't too deep, it was just really painful, as well as terrifying knowing that I had just cut off some of my scrotum.
**TL;DR** I was trimming my pubic hair and accidentally cut off a small piece of my scrotum.
darkarchon11: How is this even possible? Don't you guys have something like Gilette Mach3? Are you shaving with an one-use-disposable-one-blade-razor?
Baj_93: He was using a pair of scissors, not a razor.
Even with a Gillette mach3, that thing isn't going near my balls.
darkarchon11: Why? I manscape regularly with a Mach3 and ***never*** ever have cut myself. It's nearly impossible to do so.
Baj_93: I'm just really scared of having a razor near my bits is all.
One day...
darkarchon11: I don't get the fear honestly. But eh, each to his own. I like mah clean balls.
| 6 | 9.5 | |
1386258140 | 1386296473 | t3_1s5qhe | t5_2to41 | 1,084 | ThatLeviathan: na na na na naaaaaa
Marowak: *gargles*
PancakeLord: gargle my balls
Marowak: We'd have to liquidise them first.
Well, actually we'd have to find them *then* liquidise them.
PancakeLord: If only you knew what they looked like...
Marowak: I would love to find out, but I have a small nut allergy.
PancakeLord: Well, good, because coconuts are actually a fruit.
Marowak: Hey man, if you want a couple of fruits between your legs on a Thursday night, that's fine by me.
PancakeLord: call me?
Marowak: Stop trying to get me to swap cells with you, man.
PancakeLord: That's what your mom told me when she visited.
Marowak: That's funny, because your mum said something similar to me last night.
Well, that may have been what she said, but her mouth was full, and it might not have been directed at me, because I wasn't the only one there.
AzraelDirge: *They... They used the bomb. It's all gone. Just fire and smoke.*
LazarusBroject: *manly swoon* I love you.
AzraelDirge: [Ok](http://25.media.tumblr.com/36ecc9324fe2f3f2eb371eb1e85b56bc/tumblr_mwnokrdamD1smusmjo1_500.gif)
CuntSnatcheroo: Your commentary was fucking glorious throughout all this.
AzraelDirge: I was really bored, sleep deprived, and possibly a little drunk.
| 17 | 63.764706 | |
1386257411 | 1386259315 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | TheOriginalWizard: TIFU by getting in a fistfight with a wrestler
We had planned the fight a day ahead and the day to fight was today. I have an idea of how to fight, but needed further clarification so I went to my friend who had won the Golden Glove last year. During lunch we all left early for the fight. I was hesitant, but he said "Don't worry I'll let you get the first hit in" so I agreed. I threw my hardest punch and it knocked him out cold. Turns out I dislocated his jaw so he was PISSED. I was about to open the door when he came to and grabbed me by my arms, dragged me around the bathroom, and slammed my head into the corner of a urinal. To be honest I didn't even feel anything. I didn't even notice until someone said "Samir (let's say his name is Samir) stop he's bleeding!" Of course I was pissed about that, so I bit his leg. That made him even angrier so he punched my back 4 or 5 times. Then he got up grabbed his bags and said "Good fight, I respect you for trying." I then walked over to the mirror expecting there to be a small cut, but NO, there was a huge gash and blood was running down my forehead and into my nose. So naturally I'm like fuck I need to clean this up before a teacher sees. Just my luck, a teacher walks in while my friend is handing me paper towels to wipe off the blood. He asked if we were fighting and I said "No I tripped on my bag and hit my face." Obvious bullshit. So my sister takes me home and I'm sleeping. My mom startles me with a good "WAKE THE FUCK UP!" And I tell her what happened. We went to the doctor and I have a concussion and a broken and dislocated finger from punching him. I will deliver pictures for proof if needed. Here you go http://imgur.com/a/xvOPs
TL;DR Got in a fight, lost, and broke my face on a toilet.
tokewithnick: He got pissed because you knocked him out? What else was he expecting to happen?
TheOriginalWizard: I'm pretty small so I guess he thought I wasn't strong enough
| 3 | 3 | |
1386274728 | 1386408217 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | welcomexoverlords: TIFU by using the N word in front of some of my black friends.
We were watching the movie "Oh Brother Where Art Thou" together, and in case you didn't know there is quite a bit of swearing that includes numerous 'N' words. Now I am whiter than white and I am also NOT racist. I'm incredible uncomfortable using the "n" word no matter what, which is why I think I may have been the person most surprised when it slipped out. I tried to backtrack and explain that I've never used the word before, but I don't think either of them believed me. Now they are both mad at me and I'm not sure what to do. :( Damn that movie and damn my stupid brain!
wotmate: Firstly, if they were real friends, they wouldn't care.
Secondly, what exactly did you say?
Darrkman: Nah...real friends care. You have to understand that as Black people we're never that shocked when someone white we know goes racist. It's happens too many times. However that doesn't mean we forgive or forget it. OP you can try to explanation but I'll be honest with you they probably won't ever be as close as they used to be.
wotmate: Then you have a serious cultural cringe going on there. I truly feel sorry for you.
In high school, my best mate was an aboriginal, and we used to trade racist insults constantly. He'd start out as the black cunt and I would be the white cunt, and then after lunch we'd flip it around. We both knew damn well that neither were racist, and we were simply taking the piss. It's a shame that you can't experience that.
Bagheera12: You sound like you're from bloody Queensland mate!! Aah Australia where friendships are built on calling your mates "cunt" and cunts "mate".
wotmate: Went to school in Tully, famous for being the wettest town in Australia!
And my mate Barry, he was a total black cunt! It was awesome comedy the first time we did it..... we were completely deadpan about it, and almost the whole school was scared shitless that we were about to start a race war! The confused look on their faces when we flipped it around after lunch was priceless!
Bagheera12: Ah bud went to school in Cairns! Haha just down the road ya cunt!
| 7 | 3.285714 | |
1386276465 | 1386351488 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by winning concert tickets from a radio station.
On my way to work this morning, I changed radio stations and heard, "Caller 10!" and a phone number. It seemed like a "might as well" situation. I was caller 10! WooHoo! I didn't know what I won, so the DJ laughed at my lack of enthusiasm. I laughed with him. The girl told me I won 2 tickets to see Korn tonight and I couldn't even tell what the other part was. I'm not a Korn fan, but my little brother is. The sucky part is that my brother refuses to get a license and a car, so I will spend probably 2 hours in traffic from Hell to go pick up these tickets. I thought he'd be able to get his boss to swing by and pick them up on their way back from work, but they were already home. I just want to go home after work and catch up on Sons of Anarchy, damn it. Maybe this should be in /r/firstworldproblems.
mistermoxy: Do you feel like a freak on a leash?
Charmelok: Nah, I think he's coming undone.
kewcomber: He must feel like a Clown
random_runner: He could just put on some a.d.i.d.a.s. sneakers and avoid the queue on foot.
kewcomber: I was making a korn reference. Clown is a song.
random_runner: I was making a korn reference. A.D.I.D.A.S. is a song.
I thought we were all making korn references here...
jeremy2121: These jokes are so korny.
| 8 | 1.25 | |
1386284087 | 1386476545 | null | t5_2to41 | 73 | popple00: TIFU by cumming [NSFW]
Woke up with no one being home, so I figured I have a nice fap session. Well I was kind of lazy and decided not to grab something disposable to unleash my load into, so I figured I'd just do it on my chest since I was going to take a shower right after anyway. I have never unloaded on myself before, but after I did, I have never felt more disgusted with myself and I don't think I will be doing that again.
Anyway, being a noob at this, I figured I could just kinda point my dick towards my stomach and all my cum would end up there. Turns out I was completely wrong. It never really occurred to me how difficult it would be to aim a raging hard-on towards yourself and low enough to miss hitting your face. So there I am, sitting in my desk chair when I release my load; I aimed my dick as low as I could towards me but still the first two (I think.. I only found one small puddle of cum on the floor) shots go straight over my shoulder and shoot back somewhere on the floor, third shot goes on my chin, and the rest misses my stomach and goes all over my chest. I really hope I don't end up stepping on a undiscovered landmine cum-stain on the floor.
TIFU by cumming all over myself... and the floor
YourEvilHero: At least yours doesn't just dribble out like mine...
CrackCrackPop: The intesity is regulated by your arousal. For example masturbating to my own fantasy gets me going alot more than mastubating to porn.
stareindisgust: Ahhh, the 'ol shameful dribble. Your dicks vocalization of "come on man, really..."
| 4 | 18.25 | |
1386290179 | 1388798285 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | Nuke-The-Whales: TIFU by having "my wet, naked body just for you" as the subject line of an email in my inbox
So I'm currently in Teacher's College and I'm on my last placement block.
Long story short, my printer at home died so I gmail'd myself my lesson plan, and intended to print it at school in the morning when I got there.
I ask my Associate Teacher to enter her login information so I could access the internet on the classroom computer.
She does, and remains hovering over me. I didn't think anything of it.
So I type in "gmail.com" and go to my Inbox.
I had multiple replies from emails I had used to send naked pictures to my FWB (friend with benefits). The first few inbox replies had subject lines such as: "my wet, naked body just for you", "what you'll cum home to", and "just a little something to get you through your long shift ;)".
I attempted to click my lesson plan email really quickly, but I suspect my Teacher saw, because she turned around and walked away kind of abruptly.
TL;DR: Sent myself an email lesson plan, my "teaching boss" watched me access it and I had "sexy/dirty" subject lines in my inbox from sending naked pictures
mobius_sp: Pictures or it didn't happen.
ViolentThespian: Are there any of your birth?
mobius_sp: Somewhere, but that would be child porn.
kickingturkies: For it to be child porn the child has to be depicted doing something sexual. Otherwise lots of medical textbooks and academic papers wouldn't be allowed.
mobius_sp: Ah, but this is Reddit, not a medical textbook or academic paper. Although it might be allowable in /r/science or its related subreddits. Maybe in /r/funny.
I assure you, if my baby pictures were a successful post in /r/funny, it's only that way because it was a cold day.
kickingturkies: I don't want your baby nudes man - you can keep them. I'm just saying it isn't child porn.
mobius_sp: You sure? Better take them now, I might not offer them again for anyone else!
Besides, I agree with your stance that it's no child porn. It was simply a humorous (more or less) reply to another comment.
kickingturkies: Well now that you put it that way.... Send me a PM babe.
Only kidding of course.
I'm a little bit of a stick in the mud I guess, hahaha. Best of luck, have a great night!
mobius_sp: You too!
Oh, and PM sent...
^^^Not ^^^really...
| 10 | 2.9 | |
1386287277 | 1386396782 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | Imanidiotats: TIFU by crashing my moms new Cadillac
Throwaway where nescesary. Today i decided to go fuck around in my moms car in the snow, i overdrifted and took out a stop sign before rapidly jamming drive and reverse to get away. The sign fell out from under the car a bit later and i drove it home to go tell my mom. I feel like the biggest fuck up ever and i really dont want anyone to know that im such a dumbass. I told her id pay for it but i still cannot believe my stupidity. Has anyone else done anything of this sort?
mobius_sp: Quick conversion:
Mass of Cadillac XTS Standard = 1,817 kg
Speed of car @ 40 mph = 17.88 m/s
Formula for kinetic energy = KE=1/2(M)(V^^2 )
Kinetic energy measured in Joules
KE=1/2(1817)(17.88^^2 )
KE=290,442.36 joules
1 gram TNT = 2,723 Joules
Source (sorry for format, link has parentheses in it): http://muller.lbl.gov/teaching/physics10/old%20physics%2010/chapters%20(old)/1-Explosions.htm
Therefore, at 40 mph (17.88 m/s^^2):
290,442.36 j / 2723 j per g = 106.66 grams of TNT.
Typical weight of a standard 8"x1.25" stick of dynamite is 186 grams.
Kinetic energy of Cadillac XTS Standard impacting something at 40 mph would be equivalent to slightly less than half a stick of dynamite. ^^^I ^^^am ^^^not ^^^a ^^^math ^^^major, ^^^so ^^^my ^^^figures ^^^may ^^^be ^^^somewhat ^^^off, ^^^I ^^^did ^^^the ^^^best ^^^I ^^^could ^^^with ^^^unit ^^^converters ^^^and ^^^a ^^^calculator.
If you had hit someone in a car or a pedestrian, your joyride would have been damaging, if not devastating, assuming you were drifting at 40 mph.
Even if you only hit another car at 5 mph, it would have been damaging to their personal property (as evidenced by the street sign you took out). If it had been a pedestrian, it still would likely have gravely injured them or possibly killed them.
ForTheBloodGod: 40mph seems like a ridiculous speed at which to drift, Not sure any same person would even attempt that. For those of us who use the metric system that's like 80km/h which is the same speed that you drive on the highway
mobius_sp: Yeesh... we do a minimum of 60 mph on the highway (120ish kph) with a standard speed of 75 mph. Unless your highways are different than ours (as in neighborhood roads rather than intercity routes)?
Daiephir: 62 mph is exactly 100kph.
mobius_sp: Ah, thank you! I knew it was somewhere in the ballpark, but I was feeling too lazy to go look it up (or walk out and check my speedometer).
| 6 | 3.5 | |
1386288524 | 1386388353 | null | t5_2to41 | 240 | seagull_loco: TIFU and learned to be careful using Internet translators
I work in publishing.
Part of my job involves sending promotional material to a distributor of ours in Dubai. Last month, I carefully made a package and decided to use a web-based translator to write the message, "Delicate, Do Not Bend" in Arabic.
I called them up the this afternoon to ensure the package arrived safely and they confirmed its' receipt. However, they said that all couldn't stop laughing in the office because I'd marked the package with in large, bold capital letters with "No translation found" in Arabic.
ThickTriscuit: I think it sounds like more of funny joke than a fuck up!
seagull_loco: 100% true! HA! I do standup so perhaps I'll try and slot it in...
Nozphexezora: "So what's the deal with Google translate? I mean, are you *translating* or are you really just giving me the f-word in Mandarin?!"
Chimie45: True story, Korean-English pretty much always comes up with swear words. That's why I have to go Korean-Japanese if I come across something I don't know.
Nozphexezora: Why am I being downvoted again?! Christ. Why does everybody hate me on this site?! I was just making a joke...
Chimie45: I don't hate you. It'll be ok. Karma comes and goes. Just let it flow. You win some, you lose some.
Nozphexezora: I don't care about the actual karma points. It's just people keep putting me down like this. People post some hateful comment against me and everybody groups up and vuptoes and him and downvotes me. I'm just so sick of it. My comments don't deserve this kind of crap.
I'm really getting fed up with it. I wish there was a way to cancel all karma so I couldn't receive any. I don't *want* to know about these downvotes when I wake up every morning knowing that there's some hateful comment, accompanied by downvotes, on reddit's inbox.
CioCZ: it doesnt matter. the only power others have over you, is the power you give them.
just do you and be happy
[deleted]: Like that one kids book about the puppets and the stickers. This one puppet got all the dot stickers and never any stars and was sad. Then he learned to not let any stickers stick to him, good or bad.
| 10 | 24 | |
1386298784 | 1386354808 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | Hipster_dood: TIFU by leaving crayons in my apron.
I'm a busboy in a restaurant where we give kids crayons and something to color while they wait for their food. When some kids left, I cleaned the table, as per usual, but I accidentally left some of the crayons at the bottom of one of the pockets of my apron.
As soon as I get off and go home, I throw my uniform (apron included) into the washer to wash.
No biggie right? Well it turns out, I missed a few blue crayons when emptying the pockets. To my horror, when I pulled the load of clothes out (my siblings school uniforms were also in there) I saw that the crayons had slipped out of the apron and melted from the heat of the dryer. All over everyone's clothes.
Tl;dr: Cleaned up after some screaming fuck trophies, stained a whole load of laundry smurf-cum blue.
blondeglamazon: maybe [this](http://bit.ly/1hBnDJC) helps.
also WD-40 supposedly gets crayons off any surface (but i don't think you want that all over clothes).
blame it on your siblings.
booze4dayz: blame it on the rain
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hFWngq2L99o
| 3 | 10.333333 | |
1386299051 | 1386325605 | null | t5_2to41 | 183 | platypossamous: TIFU by having a nip slip at my Christmas party.
So this was yesterday but I was (for obvious reasons) too drunk to post.
Basically. Christmas party, costume contest. Made my own dress (I was a candy cane), and just as they're doing the cheer/voting for each of us individually. Yep. That's my nipple. In front of about five photographers and all of my coworkers.
And I didn't even win.
I am still mortified.
blondeglamazon: hopefully someone likes your tits and asks you on a date. that should make up for all of the embarrassment. if not, maybe you'll get a pay raise or promotion.
Nozphexezora: That would make a good story for their children.
"Dad, how did you two meet?!"
"Well, son, your Mother had a nip-slip at the Christmas party, and I *liked* what I saw."
abelcc: *Here is the photo I took of it, I'm sure you'll find some use for it.*
juggalo122390: /r/incest broken arms and stuff.
| 5 | 36.6 | |
1386300522 | 1386302111 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by not committing suicide.
Ok context, since I don't want the mods to yell at me, or anyone to just complain that I should go to the Suicide watch sub.
Earlier this week, on Monday, I reached a really low point in my school life, with everything crashing down on me. From family, to friend troubles, to school, and it just wasn't good. AT all...
So deciding that I should end it all, I was sitting at my PC, browsing Reddit for the last time, and writing a note on my PC so someone might read it. The long story short is that my GF (lets call her Angel) got wind of it and tried to talk me down. After hours of talking, I finally backed down. But me and my retarded self turned off the call by accident as I got up to put everything away.
Needless to say, Angel got worried, panicked, and when I got back, she was crying... After more hours of talking, I calmed her down... and so I thought. And this is after a 5-month relationship, with some rough patches in between. So... I (in all my brightness) talked about a separation. Just a small break, so I could work out my shit, and she could have a break from my negativity (Body language really showed it apparently).
Angel was kinda new to dating anyway, and she wanted advice from her closest friend that she's known forever. Lets call that friend, Jewel. So Jewel "deduced" that with all my actions up until now, she told Angel that I wanted to break up with her, and that I was manipulating her into the separation as an excuse to break up with her.
She was sobbing - no, WEEPING- because she thought I manipulated her. I've known Angel for almost two years, and dated her for 5 months. And at this point I believe I lost her. Because I couldn't get my shit together. She hasn't spoken a word since afternoon today, and I plan on giving her space so Angel can calm down... and maybe we can get back together. But at this point, it seems more like I'll lose my Angel.
TL;DR GF (Angel) talked me down from suicide, I offered for us take a break from this relationship so everything can calm down, GF went to GF's Friend (Jewel) and Friend managed to convince her that I was using separation for a break as a euphemism for breaking up.
PurpleDrugs: Highschool is serious business
Warabynn: Freshman at college, but hey. Close enough.
| 3 | 2 | |
1386354116 | 1389470870 | t3_1s7yyn | t5_2to41 | 7 | Captainhowarth: This is to short to upvote. Much like a ducks penis.
cuprous_veins: Ducks have super long penises, sometimes as long as their entire body.
[Image](http://www.bjorn-comic.com/penis/duck_cock.jpg)
Captainhowarth: I bet you are fun at parties.
cuprous_veins: I like to think so.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1386305357 | 1386800099 | null | t5_2to41 | 55 | Laura_Annette: TIFU by not looking away quickly enough.
Alright. Tonight at the gym:
A guy at the treadmill angled beside/in front of me had one of those really big phones, a "phablet" if you will, and because of the angle of our treadmills I could see everything that was happening on his phone without really even trying to be nosy. So... He definitely started watching some "adult content" videos. I don't think he even realized I was there, or that I could see his phone, so if I just moved to a different treadmill right away everything would have been okay. Or if I just LOOKED AWAY. But I was kind of in shock at this point. So I am just staring at his phone, and he turns and looks at me and we are just staring at each other. I'm a pretty awkward person in these types of situations... So I just nervously laugh, which I think he took as a thumbs up - kind of thing. So he keeps on with it. I move on to a different gym activity, but he just kind of watched me for the remainder of my work out. Maybe I'm overreacting but I felt pretty uncomfortable. I go to this gym daily at the same time of day, and I'm pretty sure he frequents at this same time several times a week, if not daily as well. And I really like my gym. TIFU. Now I am going to feel apprehensive every time I go to the gym. Well, at least for a while.
MechanicusAnimus: Just tell one of the gym staff, "hey that guy over, see him? Yeah he likes to watch porn on his phone while he works out."
May seem petty since he hasn't hurt anyone with his actions, but it's your right and the right of everyone else in the place to be able to exercise without being creeped out by weird porn-watching people.
That shit is strictly reserved for the privacy of one's own home... and crowded public transit.
barnacledoor: Actually, he has hurt someone. He's being a douche at the gym and ruining their time there. Fuck him. He most likely knew OP was there and was being a creep. Report him and hopefully get him banned. Oh, and report that Costanza guy who I caught peeing in the shower too.
CompetenceWorks: It may be distasteful to you, but people have the right to partake in whatever media they choose so long as they don't force exposure to others or break other laws while partaking. Our culture is just too straight laced about sex, so it makes some people uncomfortable. Think about the idea of reading erotic fiction in public, or the karma sutra. Think of all the movies on Netflix that have really graphic sex scenes. What people can and cannot view in public is changing rapidly with the invention of mobile devices, in twenty years, this guy's behavior might not be all that shocking. I would predict that even now, it isn't as rare or deviant as some replies are treating it. It's not like he started playing pocket pool while on the treadmill or anything. Also, she used the term "adult content" which doesn't strictly mean pornography, again Netflix (as a nearly universal example or readily available streaming video whose use is commonly accepted in public areas) has several titles with very adult content, including graphic sex scenes. Your quickness to judge is kind of appalling.
barnacledoor: Uh, no. If someone says "adult content" they are generally referring to porn. Reading an adult book in public is one thing. Watching pornography in view of others is a whole different story and your idea that mobile devices is going to change things makes no sense. Is it acceptable to look at porn magazines in public? No and they've been around forever.
There is content appropriate for public consumption and some only appropriate for private. Overly violent or sexual stuff? Private. I make no judgement on people doing whatever they want in private.
| 5 | 11 | |
1386307865 | 1386349853 | null | t5_2to41 | 272 | Showerjerk: TIFU by jerking off in the shower
This morning I woke up and I was feeling pretty horny, so I started jerking off while I waited for my brother to get out of the shower. My brother got out of the shower, and my mom yelled at me to get up before I finished. So, I decided to just finish in the shower and let the water clean me up. I finally blew my load, but I started feeling faint. I grabbed on to the shower door, and next thing I knew, I was laying on the floor of the shower and my parents were bursting into the bathroom.
Turns out I had fainted and bashed my head on the faucet and broke the knob off. Miraculously I only had a small scrape on my head, but I had a 6 inch long cut across my shoulderblade. I ended up alright and I was able to go to school and stuff, but the sheer shame of waking up naked and bloody was enough to ruin my morning.
TheHigherClass: I'm guessing you were laying on the bath floor and got up really quickly? You get really dizzy and sometimes to the point of fainting, or so I've heard.
daJonDogg: It's symptomatic of low blood pressure - mine's 80/50 and I get it fairly frequently.
NotYourLady: Oh geez that's low. What causes that? Is there anything you can do to fix it?
daJonDogg: I don't know - i'm 6' 5.5" so that may be contributing factor, but there's nothing that is done as generally it's much much better to have low BP than high. When it happens to me my vision slowly changes to how it would look if looking through a tube, and until it gets back to normal my head feels like i'm tripping and really dizzy. It may be unrelated but I also have the same problem when i've tried to play musical instruments that require blowing before.
NotYourLady: I wish I could trade BP problems with you. Mine's always been literally perfect until about 6 months ago when it shot up to 170/112. I've been on meds ever since but it still runs about 160/100 on average. I used to think the worst feeling in the world was a severe asthma attack but now I think it's the "butterflies" I get in my chest when it's super high. It's like my heart is nervous.
Edit: just check it and it's 162/102
daJonDogg: Ouch. Yep, I guess i'm glad mines low then - i've never really looked into high BP but you have my sympathies :)
| 7 | 38.857143 | |
1386309101 | 1386446691 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | Moonhowler22: TIFU by killing my tablet.
About a year and a half ago, I got an ASUS Transformer TF300T Tablet as a gift. I've used it a bunch since I've had it. It's one of my favorite things that I have.
Well, I decided to update Android. Unfortunately, I had tried to root it (give myself every permission) months ago, and rooting it means I have to update it manually. It's usually a pretty easy process. But this time, for some god-forsaken reason, I decided that it's time I completely wiped the tablet. Start over fresh, you know? So I start to do that. Only, it doesn't *quite* work right. So I try to recover. *That* doesn't work right. So I try to boot up normally.
It starts, sees the new version of Android, and figures it should update. So it restarts. It shows the first screen with a big **ASUS** on it. The only thing is *it never goes farther.* So there I sit, waiting to enjoy my expensive toy, hopefully with the new(ish) Android, for *hours.* OK, I did get up and go to work, but when I got home it was the same fucking screen.
I can't recover it. I can't boot into "Do shit from my computer" mode. I can't do anything to it.
I have a shiny, tablet-shaped paperweight.
It would cost over $200 to get it fixed.
Fuck
[deleted]: You're right: you fucked up. [This](http://forum.xda-developers.com/showthread.php?t=2275035) XDA thread might help you understand what happened.
Moonhowler22: Oh trust me, I've scoured the internet looking for ways to fix it. Without the bootloader, I'm screwed. I even had to resort to - *shudder* - chatting with ASUS support. Surprise: got nowhere.
I might end up buying a used motherboard (apparently it's a fix) and replacing it myself.
I was impatient and I had no idea what I was doing. Damnit.
[deleted]: Yeah, that really sucks dude. Sorry.
Moonhowler22: Oh well. Learn from mistakes, right?
*Sigh* I might not bother fixing it myself. I don't want to kill it even more. I'll save up some money and send it away in January or February.
[deleted]: Are you sure you want to spend money fixing it? If it really will be around $200, it might not be worth it considering they cost ~$400 new. Tablets are pretty much toss able items about 6 months after release anyway. If I were you I would post it on ebay, try to get ~$25-50 for it, and pick up a new tablet.
Moonhowler22: I know it's somewhat outdated now, but it's my tablet, you know? I'm emotionally invested in it. And the screen protector is *perfect.*
| 7 | 4.714286 | |
1386310673 | 1392873117 | null | t5_2to41 | 152 | ToDonutsBeTheGlory: TIFU by trying to tell the pretty girl at work a joke but instead becoming one myself
Pretty girl and two other girls are busy laughing and mingling among themselves. I join in and we have a good convo, pretty girl seems interested in what I have to say. The two other girls leave and the convo at the table dies down. I retry to ignite it by telling pretty girl a joke, and then I start laughing and snot gushes out my nose and all over my face (I was kinda sick). Pretty girl smirks and ignores me the rest of the shift
:(
[deleted]: It's snot your day, mate!... I'll show myself out...
CioCZ: OP really *blew* his chance...
boots1216: He nose what not to do now.
megaluigi: His time wasn't very ''sneezy''!
CypressBalto: Stop.
cmcrom: Man, bless you.
| 7 | 21.714286 | |
1386319801 | 1386672616 | null | t5_2to41 | 667 | knockingdownthedoor: TIFU by having my friends door knocked down by the police and leaving them with the bill
It starts with my friend texting me while drunk, it happens. I knew they were drunk, and I was studying, so I mostly ignored them. I look back at my phone twenty minutes after I received the last few texts and they was videos of my friend being drunk and wheezing, telling me they were having and asthma attack. Then another another weird video of just them wheezing, text reading (perhaps sarcastically) that they were dying, then a third, sort of silent,weird, half wheezing video in the dark.
They were pretty weird and cryptic and kind of freaked me out
I messaged them back a few times, no response. Called a few times, straight to voicemail. More messages, no response. So I deliberated a bit, and watched them again and decided that maybe having someone go check up on them wouldn't be a bad idea. So I called the PD, said "this is not an emergency" and gave them an address and asked them "if they could go check on my friend." The operator said they would send someone out to go take a look.
Fast forward to a half hour later when I receive a (justifiably?) hysterical call from my friend, who had just had the living shit scared out of them after being shaken awake by four police officers or the fire department or some shit after passing out drunk in their bed. They apparently ~~broke down the door~~ broke a window and somehow also messed up the door to get into the apartment AND there is apparently going to be some huge bill attached to all of this that ~~they cannot~~ we probably can afford.
So I feel like I may have ruined my friends life, and destroyed our friendship with one phone call. Well I feel productive.
EDIT: Thanks for all the support guys! I really still kind of wish that my highest rated post wasn't a TIFU.
Things have calmed down, my friend, while still pissed about the door and the having the shit scared out of them and all. They are happy(?) that I cared enough to make the call and has since retracted the "this is the end of our friendship" statement which was really bumming me out initially. As many of you guys said, this could have been a much, much worse TIFU post and I'm glad I made the call. This is certainly going to be an experience that neither of us forgets.
(I also fixed a little grammar and filled in some more accurate details since 1 am last night)
Arsenault185: A bill? From who? Or do you mean the cost to repair the door jam/door?
MjrJWPowell: Police and fire departments will charge sometimes, especially for false alarms.
Arsenault185: But OP made the call, not the drunk guy. I've never heard of this (not to say I don't believe you, just that I don't know of it) so wouldn't any charges be levied against OP?
MjrJWPowell: No, he was acting in good faith, and has proof.
Arsenault185: SO they would fine the guy that was the reason for the stupid call? Granted in this case it was the drunk dudes drunken assholeishness that was cause, but what if there was a more legitimate concern?
BrainDeadGamer: I can't be sure, but I'd imagine that if he was legitimately dying and the police/paramedics broke down the door and rushed them to the hospital, the person's insurance would cover the cost. In this case, I'd say the right person got the bill.
Jack_Vermicelli: > In this case, I'd say the right person got the bill.
If *I* order pizza delivered to your house (following any action of yours that would make me think you needed a pizza or otherwise), you shouldn't be liable for the cost of that pizza; you in no way placed that order.
DammitDan: Because sitting at home *not* ordering the pizza is definitely a good analogy for getting drunk and texting a friend claiming to be having a severe asthma attack, then not answering phone calls.
Right.
Jack_Vermicelli: Why not? Not calling for a pizza would be not calling for emergency services. A severe, consciousness-endangering asthma attack would be severe, consciousness-threatening hunger. Not answering phone calls would be... not answering phone calls.
DammitDan: There's no such thing as an acute hunger attack. And anything that someone would refer to as such would not be fatal. It takes days to weeks to die of hunger. Doing nothing when your friend texts you saying he's hungry isn't going to kill him. Being hungry isn't stopping him from going out and getting food.
There *is* such a thing as an acute *asthma* attack. They can happen suddenly and without warning, and without a rescue inhaler or prompt medical assistance, they can sometimes be fatal within a relatively short amount of time. Doing nothing when your friend texts you saying they are having an asthma attack can potentially result in them *dying*. A severe asthma attack can leave someone on the floor prevent them from getting medical attention, and the lack of oxygen to the brain can cause confusion limiting their ability to dial the proper emergency number.
***That's*** why not.
Jack_Vermicelli: If there's such thing as a perfect analogy, I've yet to see it.
As lacking as mine may or may not be, nothing you've pointed out above addresses the point of my original analogy, which was that as misleading or assholey as the guy's actions were, they did not cause the emergency services to be dispatched, either directly or through a request made of the friend. If the friend felt that the risks of situation warranted such a call, then good on him for being concerned, but that doesn't place the action or its costs anywhere else.
DammitDan: Except the person who lied about a medical emergency.
| 13 | 51.307692 | |
1386318249 | 1386336341 | null | t5_2to41 | 46 | [deleted]: TIFU by lying to the girl I love.
It wasn't just today. We went on a break after 8 months. The break lasted a week and a day. Just to be clear it was not a mutual break. I was devastated. But that's a whole 'nother TIFU. Lets cut to the chase. I had sex with another girl. Okay sure we were on a break. We were broken up. I regretted it as soon as it happened. But being a stupid teenager I was high and didn't care. We got back together and I didn't want to tell her about it. I knew it would break her heart. So I kept it in. She asked me if I did anything, and I said no.
I lied to her face. Then it got brought back up a few days ago (this is about 2 weeks after the break.) So I thought someone might have told her, so I came clean. Partially. I didn't tell her we had sex just that we fooled around. Well she calmed down and forgave me. woot woot right? Nope. The other girl told someone after telling me she wouldn't. And it got back to my girl friend. I went and meet up with her a hour ago, and it didn't go to well. I ended up getting a right hook to the eye. Luckily she hits like a uh girl, but that's besides the point. Anyways, she didn't break up with me. But I fucked up. Never lie to someone you care about. It will only bite you in the ass. Hard. I'm so close to everything falling apart right now. I fucked up.
lliinnddsseeyy: So she called a break, then you slept with someone else on the break that she called, and then she thought it would be okay to punch you in the eye?
Not okay.
Sma144: Yeah, she sounds like she has some serious problems. Granted, lying to people (especially those you care about) isn't the greatest thing, but she's way more in the wrong than you, OP.
ozzysacolyte: Agreed...OP, watch yourself here. This may be a poisonous relationship for you. You didn't do anything wrong outside of lying. Did she sleep around as well? Did you even ask?
| 4 | 11.5 | |
1386322254 | 1386373696 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU (5 minutes ago) By driving like a retard and crashing my mother's car into a tree in our own front yard
I haven't been driving for quite a while, because my license was revoked by police, so naturally I was too excited about being able to drive again. I was driving to do some business, and went all happy with rally driving techniques in my town. On my way home, upon entering the front yard, I chose a slightly bad apex on the corner and the car started understeering right into a pole and fence. My retarded self instinctively hit the brakes instead of accelerator for a split second (thank you ABS for not locking up!) and made that even worse. In the last moment I've realized what am I doing, hit the gas and saved it by merely clipping a tree and busting a quarter panel. And premium insurance has just expired and now the car is insured regularly. Yay me!
Anyway, I'm going to lie that somebody has clipped me in a parking lot and drove off. I'm going to pay for this anyway, so why to make a retard of myself in front of my parents?
And if I have driven my own car, I wouldn't even scratch my head for that. I'd smash it again. But nooo, I chose the most expensive car in the household. Fuck me.
mobius_sp: >I haven't been driving for quite a while, because my license was revoked by police, so naturally I was too excited about being able to drive again.
This starts off so well...
>went all happy with rally driving techniques in my town.
You would think you had learned your lesson when you had your license revoked the first time.
>I chose a slightly bad apex on the corner and the car started understeering right into a pole and fence.
Thank whatever deity you believe in that there were no kids on their bikes in the area.
>saved it by merely clipping a tree and busting a quarter panel.
Merely. And somehow you still didn't learn your lesson.
>why to make a retard of myself in front of my parents?
Why stop now? They most likely already know you are one. Hopefully they are horribly ashamed at their decision to give birth to you.
>And if I have driven my own car... I'd smash it again.
Just reinforcing the fact that you are a stupid idiot and the most intelligent thing your mother could have done on the night you were conceived would have been to swallow.
Your follow-up comments quoted below help to illustrate the wisdom of post-term abortion.
>Nah, when I go past 2 years driving experience it gets very difficult to get license revoked. And I'm cautiously watching for cops patrolling with speedguns. Virtually impossible to lose it now.
Because the real issue here is, of course, that you need to avoid the law, not change your retarded viewpoint and actions.
I hope that if/when you do manage to get into a life-threatening accident, that you do it alone and don't involve some family in their minivan, a pedestrian, or some child playing near the street. You, sir, have managed to show yourself as a completely self-centered and selfish douche, and a waste of good oxygen that could be better used by other people.
BeerPowered: Lol
mobius_sp: I'm glad you laugh at it, troll. You are still a douche, and probably always will be.
BeerPowered: Oh you are so kind.
Btw, my mother doesn't swallow. And your mother does, just in bad timing.
mobius_sp: >my mother doesn't swallow
Too bad for your father.
BeerPowered: Meh, at least your mother does. Good for the whole neighborhood.
mobius_sp: You are as witty as you are intelligent. May you receive in full measure everything you deserve in life.
| 8 | 0.75 | |
1386352851 | 1386357041 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | lex4: TIFU by giving my first blowjob to a guy not my boyfriend
I am a virgin and had never done anything before except make out. there is the best looking guy in schoool, who i had been seeing, and texting. he invited me over to his house wednesday (second date) and we kissed, made out, he left a huge hickie on my boobs...and i gave him a blowjob. he kissed me goodbye and hugged me..but...what was i doing?? i dont regret it, but...part of me wishes i hadnt done that. he isnt my boyfriend, what on earth was i thinking?? it was so much fun, but...gah wow i fucked up
AGrimGrim: I don't think you did anything wrong. Don't slut shame yourself; enough other people will try to do that for you. If you had fun, then don't worry about it.
lex4: thank you for being so understanding... that was very nice :) have a good day
| 3 | 1 | |
1386359241 | 1386550646 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU-Burning boxes in the parking lot of Dollar General
I found out Dollar General doesn't like managers burning boxes in the parking lot. I received a final write up for it and was told if I fuck up again I'm fired. It was worth it though, was a big ass warm fire.
http://imgur.com/B2xCAP2
rustychrome: Don't you have a compactor or some normal means of getting rid of boxes?
SugarCrotch: but burning them is much more fun and gets them way more compact. OP was just trying to save space
tylerbc77: Ya it was so much easier to sweep up the few ashes than to deal with big boxes
SugarCrotch: and on a windy day you dont even need to sweep :)
tylerbc77: A windy day would've blown the fire into the propane tanks about 10 feet away though
SugarCrotch: shush. all that safety talk is boring and unexciting. whats more exciting than a huge fire and getting to sit on your ass collecting unemployment while the employer pays to fix the building
| 7 | 1.428571 | |
1386365505 | 1386383020 | null | t5_2to41 | 987 | throwdisaway7: TIFU by trying to be rough during sexy time.
My current bf is the first guy I've had any sexual experience with, he however is not new to the act so I tend to feel obligated to go all out, be a bit aggressive and playful, talk dirty, the works, just really make it a wonderful experience that doesn't highlight the fact that I'm new at it. So today we were on round 2 and I was being extra rough like he likes, nails in his back, pulling his hair, I was on top and I got a little too into it and mid-thrust tried to quickly change my position of my arms, since I was distracted by the current "ooh la la" feelings I neglected to see that he had moved his head to the side of where he had it moments before. His mouth was open in a gasp when my arm smacked into the bottom of his chin, snapping his mouth shut hard with a terrible sound. He has a lot of trouble with tooth pain anyway so minus the groins it was pretty much the worse place to hit him. Needless to say, sexy time ended instantly, my moment of feeling so sexy turned to a walk of shame down the hall to make sure the poor fellow was okay.
TL;DR: Trying to be rough during sexy time, ended up snapping my bf's mouth shut while repositioning myself causing him severe pain. Smooth, REAL smooth.
tallguy744: When you said you were on top, my immediate fear was that you had broken his dick.
So, it could have been worse
throwdisaway7: Oh god, no, I am glad to say his dick is perfectly unbroken xD
tonyprent22: I was with a girl in college who liked rough. She bit me at the same time she changed position and umm, put too much force the wrong way, down there. I had a bruise on my shoulder from a bite and couldn't have sex for two weeks. Theeeeee worst
i_pk_pjers_i: Did she at least make it up to you, if you catch my drift?
Revelgoodpeople: Damnit tony, We need answers for science!
| 6 | 164.5 | |
1386386833 | 1386577118 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | Thrrrowaway6: TIFU by shaving my balls hastily
Yesterday I felt like shaving my junk, I don't know why I just did. Unfortunately, I wasnt taking my time and gave myself some serious razor burn all around my crotch.
It looks awful and it hurts like shit.
Why did I do this...
billyboblee: Did you get the sack? ;)
Thrrrowaway6: What do you mean?
KilledTheCar: Oh. Oh...
*pats on the back*
Good luck, brother.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1386388669 | 1386578696 | null | t5_2to41 | 191 | mec05160: TIFU by checking myself out on omegle.
I recently got a new laptop that I don't really know how to use all that well yet. Well, being a girl, I wanted to see how I looked on webcam and I didn't know how to just record a video (it's windows 8 and the camera app was quite hard to find) so I went to Omegle.com because I knew I could just see myself there. The little thing comes up and asks me if I want to use my webcame and I check "yes" and it automatically goes to someone and immediately hit "end" and then exit out in a few seconds. Well apparently there's this feature called "Automatic Rerolling" where it just sets you up with someone else the second you end the chat, unless you specifically tell it not to. Well I was browsing on Youtube and Reddit for about 15 minutes before I went back to exit out the page...and there...right above my eyes, was some dude who's face I couldn't see just violently jackin' it to me and had been able to view me through web cam for 15 MINUTES...I was wearing a tank top and laying on my stomach....
WHYYYYYY?
Pittcrew: His name was Albert Einstein.
Shepleklet: His name was Robert Paulson
Drim498: His name was Robert Paulson
TMA-3: But sir, in Project Mayhem we have no names.
brettzilla: HIS NAME WAS ROBERT GOD DAMN PAULSON!
TMA-3: I think I understand now...
In death, a member of project mayhem *has* a name.
HIS name is Robert Paulson.
| 7 | 27.285714 | |
1386394948 | 1386572791 | null | t5_2to41 | 53 | JustPassing_Thru: TIFU by trying to text my girlfriend goodnight
She had plans to go to a play with her mom, leaving me free for the night. I thought about making plans to go out with some friends, but decided to just stay home and rest to prepare for another early morning at my second job after a long week at my primary, and coming down with some congestion. I had texted my boss's wife earlier to confirm plans for work tomorrow, and accidentally hit her name when I texted "I'm actually not feeling so hot baby so I'm gonna go to sleep," followed by "Goodnight, sweet dreams" with one of those kiss emoticons. I don't typically text with them, but she thinks they're cute, so I do them. Work is going to be awkward tomorrow...
UPDATE: Arrived at their house today, she answered the door, and nothing was said on the matter. We conversed while I cooked, and business was carried out as usual
ling_chow: Your mind is making it a big deal, don't worry bro! At least you didn't ask for tittie pics before bed or say something really nasty or sexual, "tomorrow I'm going to make you suck my dick baby! Goodnight!"
stareindisgust: "man, I hope my boss doesn't have that death breath tomorrow morning, fml. And if she's letting that peach fuzz fill into a mustache again my dick is going straight back into hibernation mode, I'm sorry for that but anyway night babe"
[deleted]: As a teen, I wish my dick had a hibernation mode...
| 4 | 13.25 | |
1386401212 | 1386414123 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | [deleted]: TIFU by sending a picture of my dick to a random stranger.
So some random number texted me, me and my friend thought it would be funny if I sent my dick pics to them. Turns out its a dying 11 year old, my life is now ruined.
ApacheChi3f: You win the fuck up cake *everyone cheers and throws glitter and confetti*
Raven_Rise: http://i.imgur.com/5823l.gif
| 3 | 13.333333 | |
1386412451 | 1386440905 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,380 | throwaway-576: TIFU by orgasming in front of my boss
I work at a somewhat small marketing firm, my cubicle is in the far end and no one is around me. Today was a slow day, and I was having one of those horny times
So anyway, I set my phone to vibrate and put it between my thigh and squeeze. Midway through the thing my boss shows up and starts talking about some ideas for a project we're working on
I couldn't just remove the phone, I'd have to either take it out, or open my legs letting it fall... both options would expose what I was doing. And he stood there for a while
The tension kept building up, and the thought that I was pleasuring myself in front of a stranger who's clueless to it didn't help... I tried to hold it, but normally I don't let the vibration go that long... I started sweating, my voice and breath got heavy, and I started squirming a bit
My boss asked if I was OK, I told him it was just cramps... at which point he had a look as if he figured what was really going on, said he'll back later and left
I let some moments pass to make sure he was far enough, then I fell on the floor and had an orgasmic seizure... it was the most intense climax I've ever had... then I started feeling like shit, and I'm terrified. I don't know if he really knew, or what he thinks. He respects me and likes my work & efforts... and I might have just destroyed all that :(
**TL;DR**: TIFU by sticking my vibrating mobile between my thighs and having an orgasm while my boss was talking to me
-----------
**UPDATE**:
- I was not expecting this to escalate this fast. I knew reddit loved vagina stories, but I didn't know it loved it *that* much!
- I've thought about it after I've calmed down, and I guess I don't have anything to worry about
- What I did was a mistake, there's the reason I've posted in /r/TIFU not /r/YayThisIsAwesomeImDoingThisForFunsies or made it sound hot and posted in /r/GoneWildStories
- Some people are saying it's fake, "Dear Penthouse", /r/thathappened... whatever! I didn't send it to get approvals, I just needed support, which some have given (thanks)
- No one is getting any promotions or special treatments because of this. Grow up, it's not high school
- About 80% of reddit is immature... and not just in the way of "oh, he's just a teenager". Some are full grown adults and they still don't act like it. Also, about the same percentage don't know anything about the female body and how it works
- I didn't mean for this to get this high upvoted. While it's nice to get to the front page, this is not the "thing" that I want to remember front paged me. Also, the problem with high upvoted posts is that they attract a lot of people. They start nice (because they want to give their input honestly), but then end with ugly comments and hurtful ones. Most of the comments are good, but still the bad ones that I keep getting (increasingly) through my inbox hurt very bad
- You think it goes without saying, it's common knowledge, but like Jane told Jesse: DBAA. Or as Luke Shapiro told Dr. Squires: There's enough assholes in this world, don't be another one
Navel_of_Eve: Thank you for sharing your fuck up. Clearly, you know you fucked up. Don't worry about the sexist stuff. ; )
I seriously doubt your boss knew what was up.
Source: I'm a woman.
queenofthedamnbirds: Not holding her to the same standard as a guy who did something like this is some pretty damned "sexist stuff" as well. [Source: I'm also a woman.](http://www.survivingcollege.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/Lucille-Bluth-Eye-Roll-Arrested-Development-GIF.gif)
Navel_of_Eve: It seems like an awful lot of fuss over a hypothetical though, right?
queenofthedamnbirds: How so? If OP were male, people would be calling him gross and stupid for risking his job, and plenty of women I know would be calling him a sex offender, and discussing how demeaning and disrespectful it is to his boss (of either gender). We see, for the most part, a completely different reaction in this thread because OP is female. Pretty hard evidence, and nothing hypothetical at all about it.
Let me put it this way, if you were the boss, and you walked in on a male employee jacking off, would you honestly just shrug it off? If you would, then congrats -you hold men and woman to an equal, albeit pretty gross, standard. If not, then you're committing the hypocrisy I've pointed out in this thread.
geegeeallin: I don't disagree, but sitting on a phone and having your dick out are two different things. OP's offense is less egregious than if a man had done it.
queenofthedamnbirds: > sitting on a phone and having your dick out are two different things
I knew a guy that could masturbate through his pants. Wore silk boxers and nice trousers. Damnedest thing.
But I don't think her offense is any less egregious simply because it's less *evident*. To compare it to something different, it's like someone swiping 20 bucks from a tip jar, vs someone not returning a 20 they saw another person drop. Just because one is more actionable doesn't make the other less crappy.
But we'll have to do the ole' agree to disagree, I suppose.
MDMaholic: But one is less crappy in comparison to the other. Finding $20 and not returning is pretty shitty, but if you hadn't seen it dropped it would have been lost regardless. On the other hand the only reason $20 is gone from the tip jar is because you decided to steal it. One of those is clearly worse. In this case this woman would be comparable to your man masturbating in his pants but not directly comparable to someone who exposed their penis. The equivalent would be her exposing herself. There are degrees to wrong. Scratching a private body part in public in an obvious manner through your clothes is rude. Scratching that same body part by reaching your hand down your pants is worse. Unzipping and exposing that same body part in order to scratch is still worse. Not saying her behavior isn't bad, but it's a false equivalency to compare it to a guy pulling his penis out.
queenofthedamnbirds: > Finding $20 and not returning is pretty shitty, but if you hadn't seen it dropped it would have been lost regardless. On the other hand the only reason $20 is gone from the tip jar is because you decided to steal it. One of those is clearly worse.
Not in my eyes, because both require a person to make a conscious decision to deprive someone of something. That's why I included the witnessing part, as opposed to just a random 20 on the ground with no idea of whose it could be (bc then, yes your point is correct). You see the person that could be hurt by the loss of the cash, but make a conscious decision that will adversely affect them. I don't feel that there is a false equivalency, and that both are equally wrong, but your ethics may vary.
>In this case this woman would be comparable to your man masturbating in his pants but not directly comparable to someone who exposed their penis.
A fair point. But if we had 4 individuals, OP, a woman who exposed herself, my friend John (not his name), and a man who exposed himself, all masturbating inappropriately in the workplace (wtf is going in this office), and were all caught, then all would/should be subjected to the same punishment. The act and it's inappropriateness is equivalent, even if their method of doing so isn't. I concede your point that one *could* be worse than the other under the correct circumstances, but I don't view them as being nonequivalent acts.
MDMaholic: Well those that expose themselves would likely receive harsher punishment because their conduct has arisen to the level of a crime (exposing one's self in public). The two that didn't expose themselves may not have committed a crime depending on jurisdiction so the punishment isn't as harsh. Methods matter. The act itself is not the be all end all which is why I included the scratching example. All committed the same act but there is a clear hierarchy of perceived wrongness. As for the ethics of the $20 example I view the stealing as more wrong because of malice afore thought. Planning on taking from someone is ethically more reprehensible than crimes of opportunity or passion. Putting them on the same level fails to acknowledge depth of thought processes which is important to assess how wrong the person for a given act. So to me a conscious plan to deprive someone of their own money is worse than seeing someone lose their own money and deciding to help yourself instead of them.
queenofthedamnbirds: All excellent points. I'm still of the opinion that her actions were no less egregious than a male counterpart's, but now I can at least understand how others could arrive at an opposite conclusion.
As far as the $20 example, I will concede, partially to your point. There is something inherently worse about *making* a plan to deprive someone of something. But, I also think that watching someone lose something and doing nothing requires a conscious decision, as well as the same disregard for others, as much as choosing to swipe from a tip jar does - which makes the acts equivalent in my mind.
MDMaholic: Fair enough. I can see how you arrive at your conclusions as well. Hurray for productive discussion!
queenofthedamnbirds: Huzzah! We must be grown ups now or something.
| 13 | 106.153846 | |
1386421679 | 1386642141 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | klimlover: TIFU by missed my appointment to take the CPA exam despite spending all week intensely studying.
I've been studying for a solid 3 months to take the exam. Everynight I average 2 hours of studying. In addition I took a week of PTO this week to really lock down on it. I spend 14 hours everyday this week studying.
I wake up on the day of the (supposed exam) at 6:30 and drive out to a Starbucks near the testing center which is a solid 30 minute drive. I order my Starbucks, open up my computer and see the email confirming my appointment for yesterday.
I fucked up. Not only did I have to pay for that appointment, everyone at my firm is well aware I was taking the exam and is going to ask me how it went. How do I tell them that I didn't even sit. Furthermore, I had to pull some strings to actually use my PTO and such an option won't be available in the future.
So here I am, at a Starbucks at 8:07am on a Saturday morning realizing that TIFU.
SolarWonk: You won't be able to take a day off work in the future to take a CPA exam? Surely you are joking?
klimlover: You clearly don't work at a CPa firm. Is a well told joke in our firm that PTO is given but expected to not be used
SolarWonk: So you are never suppose to take a vacation day in your entire career? That's crazy.
klimlover: It's pretty common in the CPA industry. Firms promise a ton of PTO knowing full well that the majority of it will never be taken
SolarWonk: I think you need to nut up and take a vacation day to take your CPA exam. I'd leave that job in two minutes flat if that's how they treated me. Just don't do it in March or April.
In the oil industry, as an engineer, we'd get every other Friday off, and wouldn't work a hair over 40 hours per week without getting paid for it.
klimlover: >and wouldn't work a hair over 40 hours per week without getting paid for it.
So jealous. I haven't seen under 50 hours since I started
| 7 | 4.142857 | |
1386396228 | 1386484233 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | Mycatisafatty: TIFU by ripping my pants
I was in a show today and during a quick change I ripped my pants pretty badly in the crotch area. I was wearing dark spanks underneath, but it was still pretty obvious. I didn't have time to find other pants so I went on stage in front of over fifteen hundred people with crotch-less pants on. It was a good day.
The_Sloppy_Tugger: You think that's bad? I got sand in my buns
ClopTilYouDrop: I got buried in the sand and left there.
YourLittleBrothers: You think that's bad? I forgot sunscreen!
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1386415008 | 1386492037 | null | t5_2to41 | 51 | [deleted]: TIFU by suggesting me and my classmate slept together.
Some of class in Uni is sleeping in the classroom tonight since we have so many projects due. Me and my classmate fell asleep in the same bed once (she's female, I'm male) nothing happened but I came in to the classroom to sleep after going to the bar, I asked her if I was awkward to sleep with (like a dick) while half the class was in the room, she said "yes" then stopped talking to anyone for the rest of the night. She's still awake but not talking when anyone asks her anything.
TL;DR may have lost my best friend in class because of something I referenced drunkenly.
Reddit, today I fucked up.
platy1234: so you went to the bar
and then to your classroom
to sleep
what the fuck
SugarCrotch: dont act like you have never slept in class before.
DR_McBUTTFUCK: I got some of the best sleep of my life during anatomy lecture.
| 4 | 12.75 | |
1386434587 | 1386449353 | null | t5_2to41 | 43 | thr0waw4y12: TIFU by buying a Fleshlight and being careless with the evidence
Today was a really horrible day. I never thought I would be posting in this subreddit but fuck it. If you think you've been having a bad day... youre wrong
Here's some background to my nightmare -
So it all started about a week ago when I decided I wanted to buy a fleshlight. Being kinda scared about the whole thing I presented the idea to two of my ideas figuring that they would want them also. Before I knew it, we were buying 3 fleshlights. Now let me remind you, this was during the black friday special where you get a free sleeve and a free mr. limpy (don't ask, we're not gay it just came with it, i swear). So all goes well, I make sure that when the package comes that my parents aren't aware of the whole situation. When the package comes all goes well and my friends and i create a plan to get rid of all the evidence such as the box and the mr limpy and the casings that the sleeves come in. it was perfect, we dumped the box that had the casings of three fleshlights in some random dumpster. its pretty gay but its all good cause were straight males.
heres where shit gets bad
my friends being the dumbasses they are left out the packs of lube in a room downstairs. i wake up to my friends freaking the fuck out because the packs of lube are laying out in plain sight with the www.fleshlight.com logo all over it. thinking that was bad enough, i was like ok its no problem my parents might just laugh about it. i go downstairs after, turns out they left out the all so descriptive brochure that comes with the fleshlight, complete with pornstars and a plethora of options of fleshlights to choose from, ranging from "Necro-Feelya" to "Love Humps" to the "Nipple Alley". I havent seen either of my parents yet so this should be pretty interesting. hopefully they don't think were all gay. To make it even worse, its pretty shady and obvious that we bought them because theyll put two and two together that there was a package that was going to be delivered to my house, and the empty box was sitting there.
worst day of my life. i'm just waiting to see what else i can pile on to this shit of a situation.
this is the pamphlet i was referring to:
http://imgur.com/PA52aQu
http://imgur.com/MyIy7rp
http://imgur.com/y8OSMCo
blondeglamazon: If you're old enough to buy a Fleshlight, hopefully you're old enough to laugh it over with your parents (although potentially embarrassing). At least you're not getting around, spreading your baby juice, right?
thr0waw4y12: We're all laughing about it now but its still embarrassing. They still haven't come home yet. Lol
blondeglamazon: Set it on the table, wait for them to come home and say "we need to talk." Record the reaction.
TheBoyFromIpanema: This is brilliant.
booze4dayz: Does the guy really want to be putting his twig and berries onto the table for his parents to see?
| 6 | 7.166667 | |
1386451094 | 1386487236 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | erock0546: TIFU by burning mac and cheese in my microwave.
I just woke up from a nap, put some mac and cheese in my microwave, and sat down at my computer to wait for it to finish.
I forgot water.
It was smoking in my kitchen, and when I opened the microwave a huge gout of smoke poured out. It was horrible, I now know what shanghi smog feels like.
I have opened all my windows but I'm kinda paranoid about my lungs. My gf won't be happy when she comes home from work.
shortfermata: Kind of obvious, but if you have a fan, turn that on too! Febreze the crap outta stuff.
erock0546: Everything is on.
I think I have cancer.
shortfermata: Depending on your SO's full wrath, could be worse than cancer ^(^not ^literally). Hope everything got better!
| 4 | 8.75 | |
1386452440 | 1386470637 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | LongShlongDon: TIFU by letting my whinny friend tell the chief of police his throat hurts.
Just to set the stage, me and my friend (who was bitching about his throat) were walking home from a late night 7/11 trip and on the way home this lady with her baby needed to use my phone to call the police on her abusive boyfriend. So she did and then the police came.
So me and him were standing there watching the whole thing unfold and he said "Im going to go over and ask them to look at me." He started to walk over there and I said "Don't do that your fine, and besides there checking out the lady who is actually hurt." So we waited more and the ambulance with the lady and baby left and as soon as they left my friend ran over to the chief of police's car and started talking to him. I went over there my friend said they called an ambulance for him and I had no words for his bitchiness so I just waited with him. The ambulance came and the medics were looking at him and they said they had to take them to the hospital. Then he tried to convince them not to take him but he is a minor and he didn't have a choice and they left with him.
I then continued on home laughing my ass off because it was funny at the time and then he called me basically crying. He said he need a ride because they wouldn't let him leave without a ride so he begged me to pick him up. I gave in once he said he would pay for gas a full tank of gas and I would get him in and hour once the sun came up (Im only 16, I got my license but I still can't drive when it's dark). So I went and got him from the hospital about 30 miles away and he paid for the gas and I started to take him home. Then it turns out he didn't even get his throat checked and it was still bugging him! So when I dropped him off I honked the horn so it would wake up his parents and it did and he got yelled at.
TL;DR: I let my friend be a huge bitch and caused me to waist my night.
Moonreaver: So I guess your whinny friend was a little horse?
LongShlongDon: Whatever it was it was an absolute over exaggeration.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1386461580 | 1386521679 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | randomAnonymousThing: TIFU by thinking a guy calling me was one of those annoying recording phone calls
This actually happened a couple months ago, but I guess I forgot to write about it. It probably wasn't that bad of a fuck up, but I still feel like a complete asshole for it.
First a little back story: A few years ago I was visiting my family in the US (I grew up and live in Brazil), a woman fighting for gay rights on the street coerced me into registering myself and to make a donation. As a bisexual, I am all for gay rights, but I've never been a big fan of people on the streets just insisting on you to register and give them money, but since I am a push-over, it was exactly what I did.
Since I live in Brazil, I just gave my grandparent's address. Which was probably not the best idea since they are kinda homophobic.
Fast forward a year or so, and I am visiting my grandparents again. I am in a hurry to go out to do something, and the phone rings for me, which is odd since I don't live there.
I picked it up and hear a very electronic voice on the other side: "Hi! We are calling you on behalf of the Gay Rights Blablabla Association to...". I really really thought it was one of those recordings, and panicked because I didn't want my grandfather to find out, so I yelled out "OH MY GOD!" and immediately hung up.
My dad, who was the one who originally picked up the phone looked at me a bit surprised and just said: "Why did you do that?" and I explained him that I didn't want them calling me there because of my grandfather and stuff and I wasn't in the mood to deal with those electronic messages. He then told me it was actually a guy named Steve. I immediately felt like a complete asshole for doing so and could never call the number back and had no idea what the association's name was.
So I am sorry for being an asshole Steve! If you are out there reading this, I am sorry! If anyone knows a Steve working for some kind of gay association, please tell him I am sorry!
Thank you for listening!
tl;dr: yelled "OH MY GOD!" and hung up on a gay's rights activist because I thought it was a recorded phone call, feel like a complete asshole for it.
Hastilygrim: Don't worry, I am really good friends with Steve and, to be honest, of he jad been offended by what you said/did he would have told me. He has, in the past, told me about people saying that kind of thing to him when he calls, but after about a month of some people, out of the many he calls, having had this reaction, he has come to realise that people don't mean any offence by it, only shock. So you have absolutely no reason to be sorry.
randomAnonymousThing: Good! Give him a great big hug for me for being so nice and understanding on people's fuck-ups :3
Hastilygrim: I will, look I am a male, 18, I lile girls, I mean I absolutely love the famale form, it's just so.... God damn PERFECT, but I always see other guys' attractivensses. I'm not gay in that. I would have anal sex with a guy, but if they had breasts and a vagina, I kinda would have "normal" sex with them. I have a lot of things going on in my life, and I am stressed over most of it, especially school ( A levels) and sexuality. I am really sexually attracted to the female form, and there's obviously something else going on but I've always thought bisexuals were somewhat "greedy" you know, best of both worlds.
randomAnonymousThing: I disagree that bisexuals are greedy. Being bisexual just means you are attracted to both the sexes, the same way that when you are straight is that you are attracted to the opposite sex and being gay you are attracted to the same sex.
It is all about how you feel and what sexes you are attracted to, which doesn't mean to go around sleeping with everyone of both sexes, which I guess is the way a lot people see bisexuals.
You shouldn't stress yourself over sexuality, as I said, for me it's all about what you feel. Are you attracted to the opposite sex? Go for it! Are you attracted to the same sex? Well... Do a little background check to make sure they aren't homophobic or anything aaaand go for it! Another thing I believe is that most people at some point in life (specially teens) are a bit bi-curious and the way I see it, if there is an opportunity it doesn't hurt to try it.
Hope that helps :)
Hastilygrim: Thanks, I'm not really "attracted" to guys but I can see their good looks
| 6 | 4.166667 | |
1386464901 | 1386533068 | null | t5_2to41 | 60 | [deleted]: TIFU by sending a really juvenile text to a really religious girl.
"What's the point of entrails if you can't have sex with them?" (It's a South Park quote/inside joke my buddy and I have)
Yep. That went to this really cute, Christian girl I've been hanging out with lately. Her number and the intended recipient have similar numbers, and I didn't catch the mistake until I woke up and saw a "What?" text from her. I tried to give the canned "OMG Asshole drunk friend at the bar did it" line, but she didn't buy it.
I have been trying to text her, but she won't respond. Probably never will. GREAAAAAAT
j_freem: Dude, that's when you just tell her that you sent it to the wrong person. Could have told her that you heard that quote from the show, thought it was bizarre and wanted to send it to your friend.
On another note, how did you manage to do this? Do you seriously type out numbers of each person before you text them, where is your phonebook?
AppleBerryPoo: I know a guy who does this too, he memorizes the first 4 digits of a number and that's how he knows who texted him. Doesn't make sense to me when you have a phone book on your phone but whatever, beggars can't be choosers.
| 3 | 20 | |
1386473254 | 1386507522 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | Gulgar: TIFU by clicking a spacedicks link
Well, I was just browsing reddit, when I come along to read a couple of comments. Now, I know what spacedicks is, but have never been on it. So, I see this link titled FREE GOLD!. I have no idea what gave me the inclination to click it, but I did, and it just brought me to /r/spacedicks and it took me a while to realize. I happened to look over some of the content with the image on the side, and am now writing this, just asking myself why I ever thought to click on a free gold link.....
lostdeceiver: Did you really have to link to it?
Gulgar: Just in case people were wondering.
Rayolin: /r/Dick
1minuteman: son of a bitch. i new what it was going to be but i had to click on it just in case it was something cool
Doom2508: [/r/Aww](/r/spacedicks)
1minuteman: you crafty fucker!?!... i am impressed by your covert space dick tactics
Doom2508: I've fallen for it before, I learned to ALWAYS hover over links I find on Reddit to check their real location.
The one I fell for was [/r/Eyebleach](/r/Gore) (Don't click that one, just hover :P)
1minuteman: i didnt realise it told you were it was taking you. even though you said dont click on it, i feel compelled see what it is and then regret it immediately
Doom2508: I told you to hover over it :P
| 10 | 1.6 | |
1386482991 | 1386520704 | null | t5_2to41 | 193 | haleycontagious: TIFU by showing off my taxidermy fox.
I posted a picture of [Henry](http://i.imgur.com/G0VTnPp.jpg) to /r/foxes/ and they banned me. I have never been banned from a sub before. I was just a proud mumma. I thought everyone would love him just like I do. Sorry if Henry offended anyone.
LevyWife: to be fair, it says no pictures of dead foxes right there in the sidebar. they probably just assumed you were being an asshole. I was banned from a sub too, so don't feel too bad.
haleycontagious: Thanks. I thought because he is loved and intact they would think he was cute too. What sub did you get banned from?
LevyWife: I think it was /r/creepypms. I got a little snarky with one girl.
ps he *is* cute!
robotortoise: I got banned from /r/Pyongyang. Can we form a club or something?
haleycontagious: We need a name!
Ellie_X: /r/BannedFromPlaces Let's create it!
Klepisimo: /r/thestopgirl banned me.
Toothless version of the gif.
17Hongo: I'm gonna need you to go ahead and post that for us.
Klepisimo: Delivery!
http://i.imgur.com/piCbgbg.gif
17Hongo: Dear god that *is* unsettling.
Klepisimo: There's more...
If you're interested...
17Hongo: ... I might be.
Klepisimo: http://i.imgur.com/0qAeB.gif
17Hongo: Dear sweet merciful fuck that is weird.
Klepisimo: http://i.imgur.com/HDu9hQx.gif
| 16 | 12.0625 | |
1386496755 | 1386546236 | null | t5_2to41 | 55 | Slenderauss: TI (possibly) FU by not calling the cops after hearing yelling and screaming next door
JamesLovesColoring: Not sure how it works in Australia, but you can always call the police's non-emergency number. Even now it wouldn't hurt.
Slenderauss: Don't worry, I updated the post with the results. My mum went to their house and everything is fine :)
Edit: and I'm pretty sure the police have a non-emergency number is Australia, it's a 6 digit number and the fire brigade and paramedics have their own numbers too.
ElusiveGuy: It's 131 444, at least in NSW. That's if you're reporting a crime. If you want to provide information relating to a crime, 1800 333 000 (can be anonymous). And of course 000 for emergencies. Don't be afraid to call 000 if you feel it's an emergency - better to call and find out everything is fine than not call and have someone die/get injured.
For those not in Australia, 112 is fairly reliable - it's the EU one, I believe, and it's defined in the GSM standard so should work on any GSM mobile phone worldwide. The USA and Canada seem to use CDMA more for mobile, which doesn't have an emergency number AFAIK.
And of course the USA is 911.
Slenderauss: I live in VIC, but I don't know if it varies between states. Thanks!
ElusiveGuy: Congrats, you're the outlier!
> Actually it appears to be used by all states except Victoria – http://www.police.vic.gov.au/content.asp?Document_ID=8
=> http://forums.whirlpool.net.au/archive/1611372
> For police assistance where there is no immediate danger or to report non-urgent crime call 131 444. In Victoria please contact your local police station.
=> http://www.afp.gov.au/contact.aspx
---
[This](http://www.police.vic.gov.au/content.asp?Document_ID=7) is the page to search for your local station.
Probably a good idea to save it on your phone.
Slenderauss: Thanks! I know Victoria's laws differ from the other states a bit, like the legal age to get a job (14 and 9 months everywhere else, 15 in VIC). I'll make sure to be prepared if anything happens again.
| 7 | 7.857143 | |
1386501700 | 1386571171 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,789 | canadasecond: TIFU by farting on my massage therapist
I had been getting massage therapy for a lower back/hip pain. A few days ago, I had an appointment over lunch hour so I very quickly ate before I left my office to get to the appointment - so quickly in fact that I got a bit crampy. I didn't think much of it and headed out.
The therapist suggests she work on the hamstrings, gluts, and lower back. We get into it. And then I start to feel the gas filling my bowels. Expanding pressure. Lying naked, I feel helpless. So as she is massaging my ass, I'm doing everything I can to not fart... I'm clenching my butt cheeks and am clearly stressed. She points this out, noting that I appear to be carrying a lot of tension. "It's the holidays" I awkwardly say. Finally, she emphasises the need that I "just relax" as she is unable to do her job if I don't unclench my butt cheeks. I reluctantly do so.
Seconds pass. She continues to massage my bum. I focus on the Peruvian flute music. I breathe and think that maybe I can make it through.
I cannot.
The fart slips out as a loud 'putt!' followed by an extended squeak as I try in vain to contain the fury of the unleashed.
I apologise profusely. She was very professional about it. And we both had a bit of a laugh.
kebabsvarv: At least you didn't shit yourself, be proud of your achievement.
C_Blaikie: I never thought I would think not shiting yourself is an accomplishment but congrats man on not shiting yourself.
[deleted]: Here not shitting yourself is like winning the lottery.
Halfawake: They should do a study to determine the correlation between being a Redditor and shitting yourself.
Does this site cause some problem with people's digestive systems? Do people who shit themselves withdraw from the rest of the world, and find shelter in online communities where the smell and sound is no longer an issue? These questions must be answered.
[deleted]: PBS should do an episode of Nova about this.
soulfire72: RIP in peace PBS, gone but not forgotten.
[deleted]: You scared me. I thought the gubment did something to PBS :(
soulfire72: Oh... oh honey... listen when you're older, I'll tell you all about it, okay? but for right now drink your chocolate milk and get ready for bed <3
[deleted]: <3
| 10 | 178.9 | |
1386513246 | 1386656283 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | TheTiddlerOfWinks69: TIFU by taking a client on a business picnic
I took a client to a lake to discuss all sorts of business for WinkTiddlersLtd. We ended up basically having a picnic and not short thereafter he gets a phone call. So I, having my sketchbook, decide to the a sketch of the fauna I see. My client ended up seeing me and with my sketchbook and came over. He told me that he isn't sure if buying X item wouldn't be a good idea for him but that he'd keep it in mind. He asks to look through my sketchbook and sits down on the edge of the lake. I go to use the restroom and when I come back I can tell that something's amiss. His eyes give it away and then he regretfully informs me that my sketchbook fell into the lake but that it would just decompose over time, that it wouldn't hurt the environment . And he then leaves. Without a sorry.
Tl;dr: one of my clients actually recycles
lostdeceiver: Yeah, right. It "fell" in the lake.
TheTiddlerOfWinks69: Because I *Totally* have nudes of his wife on there.
[deleted]: You know that sarcastic sarcasm where you try to be sarcastic about something that's true? I sense it here.
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1386521754 | 1386589929 | null | t5_2to41 | 37 | anus_ice_cream: TIFU by disappointing my dad while also not getting laid
So yesterday I was feeling pretty great. I'm a high school senior and one of my colleges sent me my acceptance letter and it was a full ride. I was obviously pretty^insanely excited so I decided to go out with some friends. I told my dad and he was fine with it, he let me take the car, which is rare because he loves his car, and just said to not stay out to late. That means be back before midnight.
So I went out with three people to a parade. One of my guy friends, a girl, and another girl. I had a short fling with the one girl earlier in the year but never went past making out. Well the parade ends and we go to the guy friends house to go in the hot tub. I was feeling great and we were drinking a little bit. It starts getting late so me and the two girls head back to her place to hang out. I didn't assume anything would happen because she had ended things in the first place and the other girl was, well, not attractive in the least.
But, lo and behold the ugly friend, I feel like such a dick for saying that, slept on the floor and me and the other pretty girl were on the bed. We are all just talking before going to bed and I can't tell if this is going to be a platonic sleepover or something better. Well as we start going to sleep my dad texted me at 2:00 asking where I was. I debated for a while about leaving. I wasn't sure if I wanted to make a move and if she would even reciprocate.
I started feeling really guilty knowing my Dad was worried about me. I get up and change my clothes so I can leave. As I'm doing that the girl kept watching me with an agonizingly seductive look. I wanted to go back into the bed but I went home. Today my Dad was rightfully pissed at me for staying out so late and I'm in the dog house. I doubt I'll get another easy go at that girl like I did last night all things considered. So basically I stayed out late just to not get laid and piss off my Dad.
**TL:DR** I pissed off my Dad by staying up late and couldn't get laid because I pissed off my Dad.
Your_Dads_Account: You could have had 2 free rides in one day
Itwasmyasshole: +fedoratip /u/Your_Dads_Account 2.00 fedoras
ChemicalTuberTV: +fedoratip /u/itwasmyasshole 5.00 fedoras
fedora_tip_bot: Transaction Verified!
**ChemicalTuberTV --> 5.0 FED (~0.125 EUPH) --> itwasmyasshole**
About [fedora_tip_bot](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ClPShKs9Kr0).
ChemicalTuberTV: I'm afraid I love you.
| 6 | 6.166667 | |
1386521581 | 1386558345 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | friendly_dinosaur: TIFU by urinating on myself while on the job.
so, i had a sudden urge to use the bathroom, but i was having a bit of trouble so i crouched on the floor to facilitate the process. w/ my pants down around my ankles i suddenly urinated on them. now, normally something such as this wouldn't bother me, but i was in an employee bathroom, & didn't exactly bring an extra pair of pants to work. luckily, i was able to make it to my house w/out being noticed.
lesson learned: staying awake on reddit all night will cause you to urinate on yourself the next day.
ColPugno: Why were you crouching on the floor instead of sitting on the toilet?
friendly_dinosaur: why pay $29.99 for the [Squatty Potty](http://www.squattypotty.com/Articles.asp?ID=256), when you can just squat down for free?
ColPugno: You have to pay 30 dollars to pee? Where the fuck d'you work?
friendly_dinosaur: sorry, there's been a misunderstanding. if you click the link, you'll see why i was crouching.
ColPugno: O I C...
U P
Still not sure if I follow though. Were you trying to pee on the floor or were you on a squatty potty?
friendly_dinosaur: > why pay $29.99 for the Squatty Potty, when you can just squat down for free?
i answered your question w/ a question. it was intended as a joke. i squatted to facilitate ~~elimination~~.
| 7 | 3.571429 | |
1386526969 | 1386559261 | null | t5_2to41 | 101 | Anal_Wrath: TIFU by farting too hard and getting a hemorrhoid.
So yeah, last night I had a pretty busy anus. Farted quite a bit and quite hard. Soon after I started feeling discomfort in my ass. Dismissed it as just an itch.
Woke up this morning and the 'itch' was still there. Wrapped my finger around some toilet paper and I felt the dreaded bump. I now have a hemorrhoid.
TL;DR: Farted, hemorrhoid ensued.
iceevil: I don't think it's a hemorrhoid, but rather a perianal hematoma. Still nasty things though, but it will get better after some days / weeks.
L_U_R_K_E_R: I shouldn't have googled that.
Digriiz: I shouldn't have googled that.
Anjz: I shouldn't have googled that whilst eating. Christ almighty that's like growing ballsacs on your anus.
morphius501: I'm eating right now. I've read all these comments about not googling that...But my curiosity is too much...here goes...
I'm not eating anymore.
| 6 | 16.833333 | |
1386532394 | 1386613420 | null | t5_2to41 | 57 | Diredoe: TIFU by eating chicken wings from a pizza shop
So, last night I got out of work around midnightish and on the way home I had a craving for something spicy so I picked up some chicken wings from a pizza shop. I get home, eat the wings while redditing a bit, take a shower, say goodnight to my husband, and head to bed around 2 AM.
At about 5 I wake up with this stabbing pain in my upper belly, right between the lower W of my ribs. I figure it's indigestion and take some Pepto, but it wasn't going away. In fact, it was getting worse. I start pacing the apartment because laying down hurt the most, but standing made it hurt less. My husband wakes up and asks what's wrong, and I tell him. He asks if I had a bowel movement recently, and suggests that might be the problem.
I'm game for trying anything, so I go, sit on the toilet, and the pain immediately gets worse. I give up trying to poop and at this point I'm crying. I have a pretty high pain tolerance, but I've *never* felt anything like this before.
My husband then makes a suggestion I was honestly dreading; "Maybe we need to go to the hospital."
We recently married, and although I'm getting on his insurance, it doesn't kick in until the beginning of the year. We have very little savings - nowhere near enough to cover a hospital visit even if it's not something terribly serious.
I tell him to wait a bit, maybe it'll get better. He goes online to find a phone number to the ER to see what they suggest. He called THREE DIFFERENT hospital's listed ER numbers, and not a single one was a valid number.
While this is going on and my husband is freaking out, I'm feeling overwarm and sweaty, I assumed from all the pacing and worry and pain, so I started to shed my sweatpants and T-shirt that I went to bed in, and turned the temp down. I'm still pacing, even though I could barely stay vertical at this point due to the terrible pain. At times I just crumple up and cry into the carpet.
At one point, just trying to find a position that's comfortable, I draped myself over the back of my recliner. Sudden nausea just swamped over me, and I straightened up pretty quickly. I tell my husband that at that point I felt, "If I could just throw up, maybe that'll help."
Ever have those moments when you suddenly realize, hey, that's not such a bad idea? Those sudden epiphany moments? I go into the kitchen and I grab a bucket, and my husband says, "Do you think you need to-" right as I held the bucket up into my face and puked.
"Guess that answers that question," he said, as I continued to throw up.
Once I stopped, he rubbed my back and asked me how I felt.
I considered for a moment, and told him, "Good as new." The terrible stomach pain? Completely gone. I wasn't even warm anymore. In fact, I was pretty cold since I was in my underwear in a freezing apartment.
I rinsed my mouth out, brushed my teeth, got dressed and went back to bed. My husband was wide-awake, so he played Civ for a couple hours and followed me.
Hours later, I'm perfectly fine.
**TL;DR**:Fucking food poisoning.
The wings were pretty tasty though.
Anjz: This reminds me of how great it is to be in Canada. Free healthcare.
I was thinking of moving to the states, but starting to rethink that.
Deidara77: How much do you pay for it?
strngsvlmstng96: Not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you?
Deidara77: I was meaning in terms of higher taxes.
SixOneOne: Tax is crazy. It's just as affordable of not cheaper to live in the states. Compared to some countries that is.
Deidara77: Ah, ok. Thanks for the answer
| 7 | 8.142857 | |
1386532463 | 1386538737 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by sexting my boyfriend's best friend, who is also my ex.
My boyfriend of seven months and I were texting and things got.. dirty. Well he wanted pictures. My phone has an awful camera so we do this sort of thing off my iPod. Well I never text anyone but my boyfriend off my iPod. I took the picture and sent it without looking at the number, assuming it was him. After it sent I looked back and realized I had sent it to his best friend. My ex. Who is still not over me. I had forgotten we had been texting. I called him and texted him a thousand times telling him not to open the message. He opened it. He said "I deleted it but my phone has this cool thing where I can get deleted pictures back." Shit. Shit. Shit. SHIT. So that right there is why sexting is a no go.
scatking69: You're dating your ex-boyfriends best friend AND he is not over you?
I'm not in agreement with this.
chucknorris24: Very VERY long story short, he said he was over me then he told everyone he wasn't so its awkward
lickmybrains: You've all in some way fucked over each other.
Please don't reproduce.
| 4 | 2 | |
1386532419 | 1386671662 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | Emma-Lee: TIFU By giving his grandma a handshake
So the boyfriend and i went to visit his grandparents because we are nice people.This is my first time meeting them and I was kinda nervous but they were pretty nice and I survived.Grandma wanted a handshake before I left so naturally I obliged.I walked away wondering why my hand was sticky.Then I remember like 20 minutes before BF and I pulled over to take take of some business.Pants business.Didn't wash hands after.
Tl;dr Gave his Grandma a nice sticky cum handshake.Definitely going to hell.
Notamacropus: I find it hard to believe anyone could go 20 minutes without noticing...
[deleted]: I guess she's just *that* used to the feeling.
Emma-Lee: Combination of nerves and grandparents being weird.Nice but weird.I was preoccupied with avoiding direct eye contact
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1386556120 | 1386621567 | null | t5_2to41 | 177 | absENTmindedly: TIFU by ruining christmas
I'm a substitute teacher. I almost never work with kids younger than 13, but I found myself in a 2nd grade class the other day. Because we had some free time at the end of the day, I was showing them my favorite outer space pictures. They had been bugging me for a few minutes to pull up pictures of Santa Claus. Now I'm Jewish so I thought this to be a rather silly request that I tried to ignore. After a student pleaded, "Pleaseeeee Mr. Absentmindedly show us the REAL Santa Claus," I just slipped and said, "You know there is no real Santa, right?" I didn't even think about it. Several children were devastated, I tried to play it off like I was lying, but I think the damage was done.
danthezombieking: My kids will never believe in santa. It's just a stupid lie. Plus they can feel better than other kids. Also, I bought them that shit, so I better get the credit!
bustednbruised: I was told pretty much immediately and never had regrets. I don't really get why people think it's such a big deal.
Zombiewizards: You don't get why people think it's a big deal because you never *experienced* it. Father Christmas made Christmas fucking *magical*. You'd get so excited at christmas eve because you **believed** that freaking flying reindeer were about to land on your fucking roof! And then a big ass jolly bastard was about to come and give you a bag of awesome free shit. You'd leave cookies and milk out for him, and a couple carrots for the reindeer, after all - they'd earnt it. When you'd wake up in the morning and see that stocking full of presents at the end of your bed, with the milk half empty and the cookies all but vanished... it was the most exciting start to a day promising to be full of fun, laughs and mother fucking joy.
bustednbruised: Didn't you feel lied to when you found out the truth?
Zombiewizards: Not even a little bit. It's not a lie, man - that's the trap people fall into. It's an experience, a fiction. The world's harsh enough as it is, why can't we give kids a bit of fucking magic until they become as cynical and jaded as the rest of us?
bustednbruised: Never saw it that way, neat!
| 7 | 25.285714 | |
1386553565 | 1386601953 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | kirlysue: Tifu by waking up...
I woke up this morning, went out to the barn to discover that one of my kittens had died :( then I was milking a cow and she kicked me so hard in the hand I thought she broke it, then I went to jump on my boyfriends back so he could give me a piggy back ride to the house, and smashed my bad knee into an air tank in the milk house. Now I can't bend my leg. And to top everything off, as I was cutting my breakfast sausage with a fork, it slipped and poured sausage covered with syrup all over me... I should have just gone back to bed...
jesseh2417: Sorry about the kitten :( gotta have a few crappy days to make the good days even better :)
kirlysue: Well all this happened before noon, so the afternoon did get better. Kids man... They make my bad days not so bad any more :)
| 3 | 11 | |
1386563278 | 1386578374 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,518 | funnybunny1227: TIFU by giving my boyfriend head after jalapeno for dinner
Never again. He cooked this delicious jalapeno and creamy rice and chicken dish. Awesome. We went to lay down in his bed and continue getting frisky. I went down on him and less than a few minutes after, he jumped up and ran to the shower...along the way screaming whats going on. For the next 10 minutes, he was in the shower. And my lips were burning so bad i nearly cried thinking about his dick feeling like that. Never again.
EDIT:
1 cup cream (to desired consistency)
Tons of cheese of choice
2 cups rice
Diced pepper of choice
Chicken
[deleted]: Use shampoo or milk to fix the hot burnings of jalapenos.
Franco_DeMayo: As someone who has stuck his dick in a glass of milk, I can confirm this.
NietzscheSolo: Story?
iwannaelroyyou: He stuck his Dick in a glass of milk
NietzscheSolo: Thank you Steven King.
iwannaelroyyou: Anytime brotha
Franco_DeMayo: Wait, if you're Stephen King does that make me Richard Bachman?
iwannaelroyyou: Well uhh ...Do u wanna be Richard Bachman?
Franco_DeMayo: Well, I'd rather be King, but you did summarize my story so well. :)
ilikeeatingbrains: I smashed the keys and read the post,
in hopes of greater karma grossed. I
hate having a speech impediment.
Franco_DeMayo: I knew someone would get it.
ilikeeatingbrains: Some people call me a needful thing. I've read up to pg. 120 of Doctor Sleep, I basically creamed myself when I heard he sequelled The Shining.
Franco_DeMayo: I haven't had a chance to pick it up. What do you think so far?
ilikeeatingbrains: I think you're in for a king-sized treat, my friend.
Franco_DeMayo: Awesome. I just gotta get through a couple that I've already picked up, and I'll grab it. I've been looking for something different, and it looks to be the one.
| 16 | 94.875 | |
1386549256 | 1386938280 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | draxxus227: TIFU by accidentally missing a test
I just missed by 4th chem test by not going to class and assuming the test date to be this friday. Just found out it was actually on 12/6 and there are no make ups. I really needed to pass this test to get a B in chem, but I completely fucked up. I'm so depressed and I blame no one but myself. Hope you guys are doing well.
[deleted]: It's your own fault... Go to class or stay informed
jamesandlily_forever: Is this a joke?
[deleted]: No?
jamesandlily_forever: Wasn't he admitting it was his fault? Why feel the need to point it out?
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1386570449 | 1386646826 | null | t5_2to41 | 431 | falseoptimism: Tifu my brother's mentality irreparably and beyond measure
This is another one of those tifus that actually happened a few months ago, but I didn't feel ready to re-visit this escapade until I'd moved out of my family home.
So for a good 3 Days in the summer I had been eating nothing but homemade nachos, which is basically just shitloads of cheddar cheese grated on top of Tortilla chips. Obviously something so delicious in such abundance is going to have its consequences, and I discovered what this was all too soon
The night after this 3 day binge I woke up with constipation for the first time, and it is the most severe pain I have ever encountered. It felt like there was antimatter up my arse. It was so bad I had tears in my eyes for the rest of the night.
Anyway, day came (as it does, thanks sun !) so I trotted down to the shop and bought myself a bar of Exlax laxative Chocolate. I tried a square and it was absolutely delicious, so I merrily ate the whole bar, believing this to be the dosage one is to consume.
I then thought "Hey, I know ! I'll have a look at the instructions"
Jesus.Fucking.Christ
"Eat one square before bed time and allow Exlax to work overnight"
It's 2pm and I've eaten a bar that consists of 12 squares. I run upstairs and try to make myself vom it up, but no joy, at this early stage it's already too late. I have no choice but to wait it out. So I go downstairs, pale as a sheet and decide to watch the Olympic games for a few hours while I wait for the inevitable to happen. And by God does it happen.
At around 8pm the apocalypse strikes. The Vietnam war is about to launch itself out of my arse and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it, so I sprint upstairs to the bathroom ( A room I now realize I should have reserved for the entirety of the day, THANKS CAPTAIN HINDSIGHT !). I turn the handle but it doesn't budge, the door is locked. I bang on the door and plea to be let in, only to hear my grumpy teenage brother respond "I'M IN THE BAAATH, GO AWAAAAAY". I explain to him that I really need to come in and he tells me to fuck off again. Oh Dear.
I do a little panicky dance that resembles that of Wallace when he realizes that he's forgotten the crackers, and then realise that there is only one thing I can do. I lower my shoulder and charge at the door, luckily my mum fitted the lock so it broke off with minimal effort.
"What the fuck are you doing !? " yells my rather startled brother
"Just look away " I beg " I'm Sorry, but just, just look away ! " I scream as I pull down my trousers. Before my brother has had a chance to look away and before I've had a chance to fully sit down, a liquid jet of brown substance launches from my anus and paints the back of the toilet, the noise is horrible. The sight of his older brother jettisoning 3 days of digested nachos all over the bathroom and the smell that accompanies is , understandably, fairly overwhelming for the poor boy, and he launched a rather stellar vom-bomb all over the bath and himself. This in turn makes me feel quite unwell and I chunder all over the bathroom floor. I then sit back down and sob while my poor brother screams in terror at what has just occurred.
Clean-up was hell as you can imagine, and my brother hasn't been the same since, we haven't really spoken of the event as I don't think he's going to be able to laugh at it for quite some time. Hopefully you guys will though !
Tl;Dr, overdosed on laxatives and shat in front of my brother who in turn threw up all over himself.
mobius_sp: I think I'm going to have this story tattoo'd on me so I can return to it whenever I like. Funniest thing I've read all day!
falseoptimism: Possibly just tattoo a link to the site on yourself, that way you don't have a story about shitting yourself on your body for the world to see
mobius_sp: No, that won't work. Eventually the site will be archived, and I'll never find it again. Nope, I think a permanent etching on my skin of someone else's story of explosive diarrhea and projectile vomiting makes more sense by far. Preferably with illustrations to drive the points home.
falseoptimism: Well, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't entirely flattered. Although honestly, the illustrations of laxgate would appall Genghis Khan, let alone the general public.
mobius_sp: I have to admit, if I'm going to do it right, it has to be in color. The amount of brown ink required to do this story justice is frightening. As for the general public, I like to imagine their reaction being similar to the masses of Japanese during the middle of a Godzilla attack on Tokyo.
HumphreyBogus: Print to PDF and save to your docs, Mobius!
mobius_sp: Hiya, Humphs!
HumphreyBogus: :D
| 9 | 47.888889 | |
1386577743 | 1386586833 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | Oprepok: TIFU by trying to cut my own hair
http://i.imgur.com/g32d0ot.png
[deleted]: Fail
SnooSnooCookie: That's the point of this sub, mate.
| 3 | 11.333333 | |
1386577579 | 1386684652 | null | t5_2to41 | 100 | _i_am_a_bad_person: TIFU by shitting myself in the middle of the London Underground
**This might get graphic**
*Sorry if this doesn't fit here, but I think it should. I definitely fucked up.*
First off, you should know that many stations on the Underground have no toilets. Unfortunately, I was oblivious to this.
I needed to make my way from a station on the outskirts of London right into the heart of it, changing 7-8 times. I had just been to a party. I may have been slightly tipsy. I may also have eaten too much. We'll see.
It was at the start of my journey that I noticed a rumble down below. I ignored it, thinking it would go away after a while. Then, around halfway, after my mocha, I started feeling uncomfortable. This was at the start of a 30 minute journey, which I stood through with fear mounting in my slightly addled brain. I realised I needed to do something about it.
I got off at the next stop (Elephant and Castle) and went to the shopping centre there. It was empty, as the day was drawing to a close. I rushed up to the toilets, seeing a sign notifying me of the 20p charge. '*How convenient*', I thought to myself - I had that exact change left from my chocolate coffee. I bounded to the toilets, fishing my coins out of my pocket. To my dismay, the males was out of order.
My situation was getting desperate; as I walked back to the station, each step seemed to force my insides downwards. I needed a toilet, and fast. I decided to chance it, going back into the labyrinth of the underground. Bad move.
I headed for Bank, hoping to go to Liverpool Street. I was unaware of the size of the station, having only made my previous journeys on the Circle line. I had to walk through several lengthy tunnels, trying to with-strain the monster inside me. I got to the platform just as the train was leaving. Another 4 minutes until the next one arrived
I spent these 4 minutes walking up and down the platform, squeezing my buttocks shut. I knew my time was coming. The train pulled up, I got on. It was packed. It was hot. It was humid. I don't know how I managed to hold it, but I did. I ran out at Liverpool Street, rushing to the ticket barrier. The ticket was in my pocket. The act of reaching for it set something off inside. It was happening.
I printed to the toilets, which were oh so conveniently placed on the opposite side of the station, in a portaloo. Up stairs. I had to walk up these stairs with warmth running down my leg. I rushed into a stall, tore of my jeans (which were covered in shit) and used 3-4 rolls of toilet paper to clean myself.
Then, my situation hit me - I was in the middle of London, in a glorified portaloo, with a queue of people waiting to use my stall. I also had no trousers, and smelled of human faeces. *Shit*
Aftermath
------------
I had to chuck my boxers away in the bin inside the loo. I cleaned as much of the stuff off my jeans as possible, but they couldn't be salvaged. I put them back on, cleaned up the toilet a bit, and ran out of the loo, back into the centre of the station. The only clothes store I could find was some expensive designer thing. I did, however, locate a pyjama shop(?), and bought some bottoms. I got some shit deodorant and hand sanitiser, and cleaned myself up on the train.
*Worst moment of my entire life*
ilookasianinmorning: >Sorry if this doesn't fit here, but I think it should. I definitely fucked up
You fit in this sub like a pig in a mudpit
_i_am_a_bad_person: Excellent. I have a few more stories like this.
ilookasianinmorning: I foresee karma in your future
_i_am_a_bad_person: How excellent.
[deleted]: Are you a bad person for shutting yourself?
_i_am_a_bad_person: Oh, I left the worst part out - I left the portaloo covered in my own shit, with a pair of soiled (love that word) boxers on the floor.
That's why I'm a bad person. A terrible excuse for a human being, if you will.
[deleted]: You're not a bad person... Just Desperate
| 8 | 12.5 | |
1386517841 | 1386656382 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | DTPB: TIFU by leaving a bike outside.
I'm in Dallas and over the last few days this ice storm has thrown everyone for a loop and on top of the storm I've been trying to get my car out of the shop after my neighbor hit it while also dealing with his insurance and trying to not miss work with the roads all gone to hell. So I'm pretty distracted, all the routines i have (because I'm very forgetful) are messed up, and I'm just trying to get everything done so I can drive to Austin for a couple nights.
Everything was finally done so my girlfriend and I get a bottle of Jameson, watch a movie, and go to bed. We were expecting to get up and go straight to Austin.
This morning I wake up to my girlfriend asking if I knew where the bike was.
It turns out we forgot it was on her car because she had taken me to work yesterday while my car was in the shop.
The Bianchi Mutt 7700 that belongs to my mom's boyfriend is now gone and we owe him $700. (The website says $1,700 but I'm going with the price my mom gave me)
I guess her and I will postpone moving in together for a bit so we can pay for this.
ChemicalTuberTV: +tipfedora 500
[deleted]: Not how that works.
ChemicalTuberTV: Yea I know it has to be a reply. +tipfedora 999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
fedora_tip_bot: Transaction Verified!
**ChemicalTuberTV --> 1e+87 FED (~2.5e+85 EUPH) --> Shitwalkinssay**
About [fedora_tip_bot](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ClPShKs9Kr0).
| 5 | 3.2 | |
1386596457 | 1386654250 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | Yabaza123: TIFU by putting toothpaste in my hair
I went to bed at 2 am (due to Reddit) and woke up at 5:50 am to go to school, so I was very tired. When I was brushing my teeth, a big glob of toothpaste fell out of the tube and onto my hand. Due to my tired state, I didn't notice it until it was too late. After my teeth were brushed, I ran my hand through my hair a few times to get rid of the bed-head look. I did not realize that I had spead Colgate all over my lushious locks. Later in the day I (attempted) to run my hand through my hair, and I was greeted by a helmet of hair harder than a Spartan helm. At that moment I realized that I smelled like a walking toothpaste tube for the entire morning, and washed my hair in the bathroom. So then I continued the day looking like a washed up sailor, who smelled like toothpaste.
TL;DR: I rubbed fallen toothpaste in my hair. The results were a helmet of hair and a minty aroma.
DeliciousPumpkinPie: Hey, at least it was minty. It could have been *much* worse.
ilookasianinmorning: >It could have been much worse.
Like shit?
DeliciousPumpkinPie: Or any number of various other bodily secretions, yes.
[deleted]: Namely... Glucose
| 5 | 6.8 | |
1386603446 | 1386676271 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,576 | uncleruckus32: TIFU by sending porn to my prof and a whole lot of my classmates at uni...
This just happened. Fuck I fucked up bad I don't think I can go back to that lecture ever again. So my prof sent my class an article about homeostasis in frogs, so I wanted to send him an cool article I read about the subject. Well, I'm in my dorm and the roomie is out, so naturally I decide to have a good fap before I go to all that trouble. I find an interracial bdsm video where the girl looks exactly like a friend of mine (it wasn't, but the likeness was uncanny). I promptly copy pasted the link to send to a mutual friend of ours for shits. Here's where I fuck up BIG. I go and find the article I wanted to send and hit copy paste. Except I didn't hit ctrl c. I don't know what I did, maybe I didn't hit ctrl, maybe I didn't hit c. Point is, by Jehovah's great will, the article didn't copy. For those of you just tuning in, I still have my INTERRACIAL BDSM VIDEO COPIED TO MY CLIPBOARD. Dear reader, you may have figured out where this is going. I go to my email. Hit reply. Except I didn't hit reply, no, that would have been too easy. Sleep deprived, burnt out mid finals studying me decided it would be a great idea to hit fucking reply all. Queue the absent minded ctrl v and... fuck me... clicking send. To all 230 FUCKING students in my intro lecture. Oh yeah, did I mention there are 230 kids in my class? Dear reader, you may have fucked up at some point in your life. Maybe you killed a man, maybe you forgot to pick your kid up from school. But hey, at least you didn't send interracial bdsm to your lecture class of 230. No, that is a special kind of fuck up reserved for dumb shits like me.
UPDATE: my prof emailed me asking me to meet with him over this. I don't know what to expect, I'm scurred :L I suppose I'll just say it was some dumbass friend who was visiting
UPDATE 2: prof was totally cool about it, I told him it was a friend and he basically said I feel sorry for you. Dopeee
021fluff5: For future reference, you can enable ["Undo Send"](https://support.google.com/mail/answer/1284885?hl=en) if you're a Gmail user.
Obviously, a time machine and/or membership in the Witness Protection Program and/or a one-way ticket to a deserted island where email doesn't exist would probably be *more* helpful at this point, but I do what I can.
zeert: Most university students have a uni email account that they use when communicating with their professors and other students.
uncleruckus32: yea unfortunately we use microsoft bullshit
cuntbag0315: Microsoft has a unsend feature that has it removed from their mailbox as long as they're not signed into it.
uncleruckus32: oooo I'll have to give that a look. Thanks!
cuntbag0315: You using outlook?
uncleruckus32: yes maam
Jammer2393: saying maam to cuntbag0315, OP keeps it classy
uncleruckus32: I just like to impress
DEATH-BY-CIRCLEJERK: Has anyone on the recipients list responded yet?
VordLader: OP will surely deliver...
Chaotic_Flame: He already did. To 230 students.
| 13 | 121.230769 |
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