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1387158991 | 1387171713 | null | t5_2to41 | 72 | TheBiggieG: TIFU by kissing my coworker
I took a girl I was dating to a party my coworker's boyfriend was throwing. We started drinking, everyone was having fun. It was 1am and we were all sitting around. My coworker (we'll call her J, her boyfriend was the one throwing the party for her.) Her and I are good friends, she was sitting on my lap and complained about how sore she was. For some reason, I don't know why, but I kissed her on the mouth. like a small peck, I meant it friendly. All of a sudden, shit spirals. My girl was pissed and couldn't speak to me. boyfriend's brother was pissed. the only one cool about it was J's Boyfriend (who I'm really cool with), He helped me, got me and my Girl a cab. The next morning, Girl wanted nothing to do with me, ended it right there. already spread around work. I find out that my girl was talking to the other guys "I don't know why I'm here" "Don't know why I'm dating him" "I can get 21 year olds" (she's younger than me, I'm the youngest guy she's gone out with) kind of glad things ended with her.
DontPassTheEggNog: Kissed a girl, lost about 100 pounds of dead weight, success.
[deleted]: It's been an hour, do you want the eggnog yet?
| 3 | 24 | |
1387168163 | 1387218511 | null | t5_2to41 | 788 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting my whole family remotely read my sexts
SO. I have this AWESOME watch called a [Pebble](http://www.reddit.com/r/pebble). I love that watch, it connects to my phone via bluetooth and I can control my music with it, but most importantly, I receive notifications on it.
Today I decided to make dinner for my family. Homemade meatball sub sandwiches! While I was rolling my meat I took the watch off to avoid caking it with gunk. Once finished, we enjoyed dinner, cleaned up, had a great time, then was feeling in the mood so I decided to waltz up to my room for some sexty time. After over 45 minutes of some kinky shit between us I come downstairs and see it.
My stomach falls out my ass. I feel more sick than I've ever felt. I see my watch sitting on the counter, surrounded by not only both my uber christian parents, but also both my younger brothers. They've been watching every notification to my phone from my girlfriend ever since the very first time it vibrated on the counter. They silently departed after telling me the dreaded "we have to talk." That was 45 minutes ago, our talk will be in 25 minutes.
Dear Reddit, Please save me!
TLDR: My uber christian family watched my girlfriend and I have sext via a remote bluetooth device. Will soon be partaking in a "talk." Talk=slaughter house
Edit: I should also mention that I'm months away from 18, but I'm not an adult. Also, almost a year ago my parents forced me to give up my phone and password (are they legally able to do that if I pay for all of it?) and found sexts. I was made to swear not to do it again. That's why this is a but if a big deal.
INCENTIVE EDIT: has been edited out.
Anybody who PMs me asking for nudes WILL receive a picture back. However, said picture will likely be something that resembles [this](http://i.imgur.com/0v1HJMJ.jpg) and most recently [this] (http://i.imgur.com/yWmueBW.jpg)
MASSIVE UPDATE: my parents haven't spoken to me at all since the incident. However, I did receive [THIS] (http://imgur.com/c4COrXQ) when I arrived at school. (poorly GIMPed) This whole thing has nothing to do with school, but they're bring my guidance counsellor into it. Holy fuck that seems to be blowing up.
Update 2: I have 2 mins before I need to surrender all electronics. Meeting went shitty. Will update better when possible. Good bye reddit.
Update 3: hey guys, this is OP's friend. I've been asked to take over his account and change the password and such because things aren't going well for him. He also asked me to give you guys an update, so here it goes. OP called me last night and gave his password so I could do all this, and so I could give you guys a quick update. He didn't have long to talk because his parents are cutting all communications from the outside world and he was using the phone while they were sleeping. All I know about the guidance appointment is that it went to shit quickly after OP jokingly said to his dad "I thought you'd be proud of me dad, what the hell?" I know OP's guidance counsellor is a MASSIVE anus face because he is my counsellor too. I'm not sure what else his parents are doing other than removing his electronics and communications, but it must be hell because he's a big into computers. Who the hell would have a Pebble otherwise? He also mentioned that he wants to blow his brains out because he can't stand living with his family (I can see why) but he promised me that he wouldn't die before I see him again. So ya, that's pretty much all I know of the situation. I hope you guys are having a better Christmas than this guy! My reaction to this entire story is just one big WTF, but if you knew OP his parents reaction wouldn't be surprising. They're incredibly fucked up, luckily OP is pretty much normal in contrast to his family... Merry Fucking X-mas!
Necoras: The only viable strategy is "I'm an adult; I can have adult relationships."
We know you're an adult because you offered to supply nude pictures of people involved. Surely you're not under 18, stupid enough to be texting nude photos of under age people, *and* stupid enough to offer to send said photos to random people on the internet. If you are that stupid, you're boned. And you deserve everything you get.
If you're not that stupid, you're an adult and you can do what you want. You may get kicked out of the house for it, but you can do what you want.
[deleted]: I'm 17, but el GF is 18. And I'm trying to save her ass as much as mine so she's ok with the one nude that's in the convo. Don't worry, it's been thought out.
Necoras: Yep, you're boned.
Sorry, I've got nothing helpful. Maybe "at least this way she can't get pregnant"? Though presumably you've been having actual sex as well. That question will come up, so be ready for it. Good luck.
Edit: just saw you said this is the second time. You cannot win. You will almost certainly lose your phone (yes, they can do that while you're a minor). Hope that you don't lose your freedom.
Good night, and good luck.
[deleted]: No actual sex, not 100% sure if it's legal. The Internet is the world most efficient contraceptive.
IRideVelociraptors: Sex is legal depending on where you live. In most states it is.
[deleted]: There are states where sex is illegal?
xxruruxx: You're boned if you live in CA. Age of consent is 18--no exceptions. Except if you're married. Which I presume not.
Edit: [Reference for more info.](http://www.legalmatch.com/law-library/article/statutory-rape-the-age-of-consent.html) Chart of each state, age of consent, and acceptable age gap.
GoRadioOrGoHome: Seriously? There is no like within 2-3 year exception? What a joke. People can seriously have their lives ruined for doing normal things inside a teenage relationship. Why hasn't this shit been fixed?
xxruruxx: Age of consent is 18 in the following states, with no acceptable age gap in California, Delaware, Florida, Idaho, North Dakota, Virginia, Wisconsin. (All intercourse with an under 18 year old is considered at statutory rape)
Age of consent is 18 in the following states with an age gap of Arizona (2 yr), Oregon (3), Tennessee (4), Utah (10).
Federal law makes it a crime to engage in sex acts with those between age 12-16 if they are at least 4 years younger than you. Each state has different definitions of consent and policies on age gaps. For more [info, here's a chart](http://www.legalmatch.com/law-library/article/statutory-rape-the-age-of-consent.html)
shaman-monkey: Sorry if this is a stupid question, but what happens if both are under 18? Are both of them prosecuted with mutual rape or something?
xxruruxx: No question is stupid!
IANAL, but to the best of my knowledge, statutory rape is when a person over the age of consent has sex with someone under the statutory age of consent.
If they're both underage and one party didn't force the other (rape), I don't think that *statutory* rape applies.
I did research on this a while back because someone I knew back in high school was trying to accuse her bf at the time for statutory rape. She was 17 and he was 22 I think. Things were pretty salty after their breakup, and I was curious to see if she had a viable claim, if it was actually the law, etc.
| 12 | 65.666667 | |
1387169374 | 1387225841 | null | t5_2to41 | 74 | rustang0422: TIFU by spilling tea all over my final exam.
Its finals time here and I get to kick them off by taking my computer science final at 7:30 in the morning on a Saturday. Before leaving home I brew some tea, stick it in my thermos, and out the door I go.
The test was in a lecture hall with chairs that have a little desk which swings up so I just leave my thermos on the floor to keep it out of the way. Well when I finish the test I put the paper on the floor so I can swing the desk down, put my jacket on, and grab my bag before I turn in the test. I put it on the floor next to my thermos. My thermos still mostly full of tea. Being the clutz I am I knock over my thermos and tea begins to pour all over my test, but luckily I reacted quickly. To save my test from further damage I kicked away the thermos in a panic. It wasn't a little kick though, nope I punted that motherfucker away from my test and onto some poor girl's lap, soaking her test in the process.
Can you picture it? The silence of the hall punctuated by a flying thermos, a high pitched shriek, and a bumbling idiot apologizing and asking for his thermos back.
After retrieving my damn cup I turned my test into the TAs who thought the situation was absolutely hilarious, and walked out head hung in shame. Whoops
NobodySpecific: If there is anybody wondering why they usually ban food and drink during finals, it's because of things like this.
Why would you bring a thing full of tea if you weren't even going to be drinking it during the test? If it was in a thermos shouldn't it have been sealed? Why would you leave it open on the floor if you weren't going to be drinking it?
Belgara: They do? That's interesting. Food and drink are banned in all my classes anyway (Japanese major; we go by Japanese classroom rules which means no food or drink, unless it's water for illness, and then you need to ask permission before class), so I never really thought about it.
NobodySpecific: It wasn't all professors, usually just for bigger classes. 10 people opening crinkly plastic wrappers and somebody spilling their drink all over the place while you are trying to focus makes you really appreciate those types of rules.
Belgara: Oh, truth. In the middle of a final I would have to fight the urge to get up and slap the idiots making noise.
Unless it was OP's situation, of course. Then I probably would have watched with a mixture of horror, irritation and mirth.
| 5 | 14.8 | |
1387173692 | 1387193004 | null | t5_2to41 | 96 | Hewis_Luey: TIFU by purchasing a large, double ended, black dildo
This didn't happen today, but I need to tell the world. Here's the backstory:
A little while back, I was having a conversation with a friend of mine about what would be the worst thing to get beaten up with. We quickly settled on a dildo. Just imagine getting into a fight and, instead of a knife, the guy pulls an enormous dildo and beats the ever loving piss out of you with it. Emasculating AND painful. So needless to say, I quickly went off to Romantic Depot with a few friends to purchase a dildo so I could then go around getting into drunken fights all night.
I was able to procure a quite wonderful 16 inch black double ended dildo. It was perfect: fit nicely in the hand, heavy enough to leave a welt, and just wiggly enough to provide a good smacking. We went and got drunk and immediately started wandering around my college campus antagonizing everyone we could find at which point I would pull the dildo out from my inside jacket pocket and start whacking people with it. Pretty much everyone found it hilarious and a few people posed for pictures.
As time went on, I began to use the dildo less and less and eventually threw it into the trunk of my car where I would bring it out only on special occasions. A special occasion being, let's say, sitting awkwardly next to someone at a red light in the middle of the night and needing a prop to play with until they look over and I can make horrible eye contact with them (quick aside: I drive a hatchback, so the dildo could be accessed quickly by a passenger when the moment called for said dildo).
Eventually, the dildo fell out of use and I became accustomed to the sound of it rolling around in the trunk. Every time I accelerated I could hear it roll to the back and thud against the door, every time I braked I could hear it roll forward and thud against the seats. People would ask,"what's that sound?" to which I would reply, "oh, that's just my dildo." Eventually, I got tired of explaining the story of the dildo to people and threw it in a messenger bag that remained in my trunk.
SOME TIME PASSES
I woke up one morning and as I was eating breakfast, my dad came into the kitchen and told me he had taken my car to the car wash. He had wanted them to vacuum inside so he cleaned everything out. All of the things that had been in my car were on the side of the garage. I went out to the garage and found all of the crap that had piled up in the car stacked neatly against the wall. I started loading everything back in the car when I remembered the dildo in the messenger bag. I opened the bag. There was no dildo.
I searched and searched and could not find the dildo. There can only be one explanation. And my dad hasn't said anything. And it's been a little while now and he still hasn't brought it up. And I'll never say anything either.
But until the day he dies, my father will know that his son, at one point in time, owned a sixteen inch double ended floppy black dildo. And he will never know why.
tldr I bought a dildo and my dad found it and we aren't talking about it
SpoutWhatsOnMyMind: Let time pass, then randomly tell the story of your dildosword and your many adventures with it. He will either secretly be relieved to know what it was actually for, or will be very audibly relieved.
Either way, wait awhile (a couple weeks at the least) or else it'll just come across as making something up to cover your ass.
[deleted]: Punny
| 3 | 32 | |
1387182032 | 1387894005 | null | t5_2to41 | 65 | bigbamer: TIFU by walking in on my parents having sex
Backstory: Its a perfectly wonderful day finished my finals and all the other terrible college things. Im in the best mood possible and have been home for more than 2 days. I have 2 younger sisters each have their own bedroom and im still trying to adjust my sleeping patterns to actually suit the world because i have been sleeping at around 3, 2 which is when everyone in the house is usually asleep.
Today i decide to stop using my laptop and actually open up the tv. Nothing interesting on it so i decide for some peculiar reason to go and scare my parents. Why this was a good idea i dont know i havent seen them in weeks and i guess i just wanted to play a joke. So i go into their room and all that i see is my dad on top of my mom hitting the old missionary. My parents are in their mid 40s and this is the first time this has ever happend. I couldnt say anything. I just saw them and stared which was terrible of me. Im soo screwed mainly because out of nowhere in my long johns i got a boner and it was apparent to both of my parents. Now im just in my room trying to get out that terrible picture in my brain.
TL;DR: caught parents having sex got a boner which was visible to both
positronus: And that's why you ALWAYS lock the door. I don't understand why it's so hard for parents to do that, or for anybody involved in sexy time while other people are in the house.
NobodySpecific: Alternatively it is why you ALWAYS knock before entering somebody's bedroom. Not only is it rude to barge in, it might save you from seeing somebody's giblets.
positronus: Unless it was their original goal, in this case to scare parents.
NobodySpecific: Barging into somebody's room is a shitty way to scare them anyway. Much better to wait just outside the door and do something to get their attention in order to lure them out, then scare the shit out of them when they get to the door.
Dank_tank: You wouldn't want to do that in my house unless you made it clear you are non threatening. My dad came out of his room at 3-4am with a pistol many times because of loud noises when I was growing up.
NobodySpecific: Who the hell tries to scare other people at 3 in the morning? Does nobody here know how to pull off light hearted scares that don't interrupt peoples sexy times or cause them to think their family is about to be murdered?
| 7 | 9.285714 | |
1387205991 | 1393021852 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,167 | HoobaHoob: TIFU Finals Freshman Style
So, this little incident happened just this morning.
It's the most dreaded time of year for students everywhere; finals week. I've been studying my butt off for the last week, as has everyone else on campus. I've been freaking the whole time, as I'm not the greatest with tests. Back-to-back all nighters. Study groups. the whole deal. As this week has loomed closer, my anxiety has reached new heights. Last night, I finally turned in at 1:30, as I was crashing and not being productive. Set the alarm for 7, fade to black.
This morning, I woke up disoriented at 8:20, obviously having missed my alarm. My exam starts at 8:30. I bolt out of bed in a split second, screw the coat and hat, gotta get my ass to class. Never have I moved my carcass faster. Mind you, it's 20 degrees and snowing, and I'm in sweats and a t-shirt with dinosaur slippers. The lecture hall is also on the far side of campus. I slip and slide all the way there, bruising half my body on the ice and freezing my face off in the process. I scurry into class only a minute late. VICTORY! I felt like I had just won the Olympics and the Boston Marathon at once, total Cloud-9. Felt goooood man. Looking around the room, however, I realized something was off. It took a second or two to sink in.
There was no one in the damn room. My test is scheduled for tomorrow, and I somehow managed to mix up my schedule in my head, which caused me to go full retard this morning.
I'm going back to bed, screw finals.
hvonn: Happens or has happened to all of us. I once ran to one of my finals in a wife beater and a borrowed pair of boxers (I'm female) with nothing on my feet. I go to school in Center City Philly. So many, many people saw me running across broad street, effectively naked carrying a trash bag full of art.
FrankTank3: Philly Community College or Temple? And we've both probably seen worse, lol.
[deleted]: PCC is in Fairmount and Temple is up in North Philly. I'm in Center City.
FrankTank3: I've got a broad definition of Center City, although I def shouldn't have included Temple. Also, the only CC college that comes to mind is Curtis by Ritttenhouse Sq.
[deleted]: University of the Arts, Moore, Hussian, "AI"
FrankTank3: That's awesome, I have a friend named Caitlin who goes there! The only time I can remember going by there we were both a little drunk haha.
What's the Hussian, "AI" mean?
[deleted]: Hussian is an art school and AI is the Art Institutes (a big fat nope)
FrankTank3: Why's that?
[deleted]: It's a for profit school. Kinda like DeVry and University of Phoenix on line. They bury their students in debt and really offer "meh" education. The Philly campus was also a death trap and no one gave a shit that the students in the dorm could have died due to a carbon monoxide leak.. Pretty shitty.
FrankTank3: Well....shit. I hear great things about Moore. But I'm sadly not surprised at all, for profit colleges are the absolute devil for our generation. They diminish the entire system at our cost.
[deleted]: No, AI (Art Institutes) is for profit. Hussian and Moore are just other schools in the center city area
FrankTank3: No, yeah I got that. Sorry for the confusion. I should really hang out with more artists in my home city. I'm only connected to the college art scene down in Baltimore
| 13 | 166.692308 | |
1387205470 | 1387235535 | null | t5_2to41 | 53 | waltza: TIFU by losing that small piece of paper
It was a small receipt but damn, it contained my tuition fee which my parents could only rely on. And now my parents cannot pay my tuition fee, I also cannot have the exam tomorrow. Hell maybe I could not even graduate from this shitty high school. Long story short, one small fuck-up can change your whole life.
EDIT: Our school add more fees without you knowing about it. Thanks for the support!
skivian: Can you not just ask for another copy? Hell, in my college you can print all the paperwork off your student page.
Medic_Mouse: He said high school, so I imagine he goes to a private school.
DoxBox: Really doesn't change anything, he can just ask the school administrator for another copy. Unless he has already waited too long.
waltza, go to your school's office and explain the situation. Don't be panicky, don't be afraid, just walk in and explain that you need another copy of the tuition fee receipt due to reasons.
waltza: I tried going to them but they keep adding charges up in which you will be kept surprised about it.
DoxBox: They can always just print another copy. I've never seen a system which couldn't print additional copies of invoices or receipts; it's unthinkable.
| 6 | 8.833333 | |
1387213224 | 1387224686 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | donutbomb: TIFU by drinking coffee
Had myself a nice 16 oz. bottle of Starbucks Iced Coffee to wash down a bland dining hall breakfast. Enjoyed it to the last drop.
The problem is that I'm not a coffee drinker.
Finished a three-hour final in 50 minutes. Send toilet paper and Pepto Bismol.
Stiffed_: I expected a shit myself story....
alpineliam: There is still time...
| 3 | 9 | |
1387226940 | 1387264511 | null | t5_2to41 | 51 | DQEight: TIFU by drinking my piss
Ok story time. The Fuckup happens today(monday) but the setup starts on sunday.
I woke up around noon on sunday and my sister was in the bathroom. When she is in the bathroom it can be upwards of 2 hours before she is finished and I really needed to piss. I had bought and finished a bottle of grapefruit juice and decided to use the bottle and toss it in the trash later. I did my business and set the bottle near my chair so I wouldn't forget.(Mistake)
I keep all the drinks I buy near my chair for easy access when im gaming or using my pc. So I forgot to throw it out and it sat there near my water bottle and my actual half full grapefruit juice I had.
So comes monday, its 6 am and im in near pitch black darkness, I lazily roll over to reach for the juice because I'm thirsty and take a swig.
**THAT TASTE**
Ill never forget that taste, warm,bland...plain nasty with a hint of sweetness.
My eyes opened wide and I spit it back into the bottle, grabbing the real bottle of juice and chugging it down. I felt nauseous the rest of today.
swordfishtrombonez: Why is your sister in the bathroom for 2 hours??
DQEight: Shower and Hair, nails clothes. Taking pictures etc.
SeahorseStereos: Is that how to girl? I don't know how to girl :(
DQEight: Its certainly how to piss off everyone else in the household.
SeahorseStereos: I take relatively short showers and handle everything else in my room.. Even though I have my own bathroom. It's connected to the laundry room and I don't like getting in people's way who want to go laundry..
But who does her nails every day? Eesh...
| 6 | 8.5 | |
1387227061 | 1387255686 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | greynol5: TIFU by Believing my last Final paper was due tomorrow.
So today I had two exam finals and, I believed, a paper final due tomorrow. Then I would be done or, so I thought. I had recently passed a macroeconomics course I had failed the last semester so I thought everything was golden.
Today I drag myself out of bed after studying all night for my 7:30am final, go home, study some more for my 1:30pm final and head off to class. I get to my 1:30pm final and begin talking to the guy who sits next to me...who just happens to be in my class with the paper final I thought was due tomorrow.
Some friends of mine come in and as we're talking I let it slip I have a paper I need to write for tomorrow. The guy I was talking to before interjects and with a look of pity informs me that our paper final was due today. I immidately panic and type out an email to my professor in hopes he takes pity on me.
Th problem is, I've had him for two other classes and the one time he will not take a late paper is the final exam. So, I effectively have failed a class with my favorite professor. Also, I am part of a new sorority forming on campus but my gpa for the semester has to be over a 2.0.
TL;DR
I passed a course I failed last semester, thought I was going to do well for the rest of finals. I missed the deadline for a final paper. Now I'm going to fail this class and not get initiated into the first year of sisters for a new sorority on campus.
Edit: I also almost got hit by a car twice today.
Update:
My professor answered the very apologetic email with a "These things happen. Have a good break!" Which pretty much means that I'm in trouble with my grade now. I have got all my other class grades reported except him. I'm just waiting for the damage but I've already accepted the worst.
chrizbreck: Should probably focus on that GPA rather than the sorority...
Ryan_TR: If you learn how to manage your time well it's not that difficult to be involved in Greek life and earn a good GPA.
I'd recommend OP to:
1) Double check all important deadlines
2) And take a look at /r/GetStudying and /r/GetMotivated
greynol5: Thank you for your advice. It wasn't that I hadn't completed the work. It was that on our university's final exam calendar, the final date set by the university is Tuesday the 17th but my professor, the only time it has ever happened, moved it up a day. I simply had the wrong date on my calendar.
| 4 | 8.75 | |
1387237443 | 1387316787 | null | t5_2to41 | 81 | god-speed: TIFU: by trusting a fart.
this will ^hopefully be the most disgusting, embarrassing thing that I will ever post.
My mother in-law just got new , expensive chairs before the family visits for the holidays^You ^already ^know ^where ^this ^is ^going
So my entire family is sitting around the house, and I am feeling 100% ok. I just put on some new sheer stockings and a long sweater that looks really cute. and I am sitting in one of the new chairs when I feel a little sture of nature encroaching upon my stink wrinkles. I think, "ok cool, done this a million times, just push it up and let it out easy and no harm done"
but oh no, **ohhhh no**
Instead of the dainty lady like poot I was expecting. I got a eruption that came forth from the debts of hell that was released into the world. The entire room fell completely and utterly quite as the loudest noise came from my anus, followed by a river of soupy shit.
there was no hiding this .
The chair was white.
My sweter was white.
It was running down to the floor.
and the smell could knock out a god damn moose.
They all are just looking at me, wide eyed and unmoving. they were like petrified stone . I was in complete shock as I tried to process what just happened. then it happened again.
But this time, it came along with vomit.
Now despite all this, my family are very kind and understanding. My mother in law and my husband ran to me to help me , breaking from their state of horror and the rest of my family kind of left or did something to make it a little less embarrassing , but the damage is done. I am just in my room, in my pajamas, scared to ever fart again...
and a 900$ chair is to NEVER be seen again.
TLDR; A river of the most ~~vial~~ **vile** shit you will ever witness erupted from me in front of my entire family.
monochromatic0: Aaaaand that's enough. I don't believe any of this is true.
You lost me completely at the vomit and the shit dripping on the floor.
god-speed: I sincerely with all my heart wish it was not true, But it is. It fucking happened. I know it sounds extreme, but to add some reality to it, I was slightly hungover for the first time in awhile (when my family comes into town we drink quite a bit) AND until that moment was unaware that I was first day into the flu . Not long after my husband also got sick.
ahhrealaudre: I can vouch for you.
Two years ago my dad and I both had some horrible, can't even drink water without puking, sickness. It was disgusting , one moment you were guzzling down water, trying to hydrate, the next your projecting it across the room, all while trying to hold your butthole together....
It's horrible, and for what it's worth, dad and I both shit our pants at least twice that week......
I'm sorry OP <3
god-speed: sounds like whats happening to me. I wish I had some sort of freaking warning, tummy gurgle or something! it came out of fucking nowhere
ahhrealaudre: Lol it went on for a week, we were literally considering buying bed pans.
I've never felt less dignified in my life...
god-speed: my freaking mother-in-law gave me a bed pan.....A FUCKING BED PAN.
AS IF TO MOCK ME!
WOMAN HAVE YOU SWARN TO KNOCK DOWN WHAT DIGNITY I HAVE LEFT???!!!
| 7 | 11.571429 | |
1387236031 | 1387345339 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | LETERALLY_HITLER: TIFU by wrapping batteries in aluminum foil.
OK, so it started when my little brother asked me to replace in the batteries in one of his toys that he said wasn't working. So I went over to the fridge (my parents keep batteries in the fridge for some reason, I think they said it makes them last longer) and got 2 of the big D-cell batteries that my brother's toys use. I went over to him, and when I was about the replace the batteries, I saw that the batteries in there were put in wrong, probably from him trying to put them back after they fell out or something.
I fixed the batteries already in the fridge, andI went to put the batteries back in the fridge. Since I had thrown out the package that they came in when I took them out, I figured I'd just put them back in the fridge. Being the dumbass that I am, I decided to wrap them in aluminum foil and put them in the fridge.
The smell was the first thing I sensed. It's an odd smell to describe...kind of like burning but more...I don't know...electronic-ish? It's tough to describe. Anyways, as it had dawned on me what I had done, I raced into the other room to try to remove it, only to hear it pop as I was nearing the kitchen.
Now, my mom always gets the lithium batteries. Apparently these are supposed to last longer but be more dangerous. The copious amounts of aluminum foil I had put around the battery shorted it out, and it kind of, well, exploded. The fire alarm went off and everything. Like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SMy2_qNO2Y0 (skip to 1:55 ish) but on a much smaller scale. 2 bottles on the side shelf that the batteries were on melted, and there was this nasty mix of charred milk and burnt orange juice and melted plastic pooling in that shelf. The shelf was kinda ruined, so I threw that out, but most of the other food in the fridge was OK. Thank god I didn't ruin these expensive steaks my dad was gonna grill tonight, or else he would have been super mad.
I haven't told my parents yet; hopefully they won't be super mad.
UPDATE: Told my parents, they gave me the "I'm not mad I'm disappointed" ordeal. I'm paying for fixing the small part of it that was pretty broken and there was no further punishment.
AcaciaJules: Why would you wrap them in ANYTHING?!
LETERALLY_HITLER: I don't know, man. I threw away the package they were in, so I didnt want to just put them back in the fridge on their own. I probably should have put them in plastic wrap now that I think about it.
AcaciaJules: Or just put them in, unwrapped.
LETERALLY_HITLER: Probably would have been a good idea, yeah.
AcaciaJules: Well, you've learned a lot about batteries this way. One last tip. Never throw away your dead batteries. Make sure you take them to a drop off, unless you want to poison the environment. Same with dead florescent bulbs, which contain mercury (also be careful should you break one, for the same reason).
| 6 | 4 | |
1387242281 | 1387311546 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | samisboris20: TIFU automatic 0% on science final in class I was not doing well in.
Last friday I studied tirelessly for weeks on end for my semester science final. I knew I had done extraordinarily well on said test, so to reward my self I politely asked my teacher if I could go to the the vending machine and get a lemon-lime gatorade during the remaining minutes of class. My teachers answer of course was yes, and I went on my merry way. The most peculiar of interactions happened between my teacher and myself when I got back. When I entered the room my teacher asked me to leave the classroom in a stern voice because "hazardous liquids are not allowed in the chemical environment" so I respectfully finished my drink in the hall way out side of the class. When I had reentered the class my teacher yelled from across the room "automatic 0, get out of my class room!" I was first appalled but knew that this absolutely could not be true. After class, during the precious time of lunch, I went back to her and respectfully talk to her. I asked her questions like, "were you actually serious?" "can we please discuss this.?" I was completely shunned and blocked out. My teacher dismissed everything I was doing, especially when she shielded her face and put her phone in my face and continued to draft a text message to the school's security to escort me out of the class. Today, or should I say 3 days ago, I fucked up. OR she fucked up. Or we live in a fucked up school system where the man controls all. There is a major power struggle between my self and my science teacher. There will be a boycott soon enough. This is probably the wrong sub reddit to post this too. I will stop ranting and continue to post and update all of you on the situation. Wish me luck
[deleted]: Wait, so your teacher let you get a gatorade and gave you a 0 when you got one?!
samisboris20: Precisely. I have an emotional roller coaster of a teacher. It is very difficult to bear. (Hope that's the right bear)
[deleted]: I'd report it to someone above your teacher. I don't think the school whould let the teacher get away with that.
| 4 | 8 | |
1387242489 | 1387255311 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | kayjay734: TIFU at my office
Long story short, I was going to help produce a piece for the first time for this film production company that produces well-known TV shows. It was a small piece, pretty inconsequential, but it's my first piece, so I was pretty excited. It's supposed to happen tomorrow. My phone had died, and I was really distracted at work today with something else that was on my plate and didn't have my email open on my comp, so I didn't see the email from the guy who asked me to help with the production tomorrow to come down to meet him today to talk about it. Of course, I see the email after work, email him while profusely apologizing, telling him I can still do it, and he responds saying I'm not doing it anymore, in a sort of polite yet definitely dismissive way. FML
LiirFlies: Not your fuckup at all (unless you were told to expect to meet/talk the day before).
kayjay734: Yeah, my thoughts exactly, but the way he responded definitely didn't make me feel that way. He is the superior and this was an opportunity.
Nozphexezora: Don't take any of that crap. Meet him in personal, and swing a golf club right into his shins. When he falls to the ground, you *demand* that he "reconsiders", or else you'll knock his teeth out.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1387254404 | 1387953080 | null | t5_2to41 | 58 | B68B: TIFU by calling my mom's keystroke logger bluff
This happened about 4 years ago back when I was in high school, but it's a funny/fucked up story.
Context: Both my parents and family in general are extremely religious Christians. Both waited until marriage etc.
SO. When I was 17 (around September of that year) I moved back in with my mother and her boyfriend gave me one of his laptops to use as I wasn't allowed to take my computer with me from my father's. They both warned me that there was a program on there that would track every keystroke and every action that I did on the computer. My father had told me a similar thing about my last computer and nothing ever happened of that, so I figured it was just another classic parenting bluff to spook me out of unchristian things. Thus, whenever I had the chance, I did what any 17 year old dude would do: watch porn and talk sexy time to girls. This went on for months and months and the more I watched and chatted without consequence, the more I felt comfortable with the choice to call my mom's bluff.
Fast-forward to around April of the next semester. I had received a non-revoke-able scholarship to my university of choice and stopped going to school pretty much. I wanted to make the best out of my last months in high school and would often stay out late/sleep over at friends houses and drink occasionally. My mom did not like this and would tell me things like: nothing godly happens after 2 am, I don't want you sleeping over anywhere that girls are etc. I constantly argued with her about babying me and eventually I guess she thought I was getting too reckless and decided to bust out the big guns.
One day I hear her call me to come downstairs. I ask why and she just repeats to come down. Big red flag. I rack my brain for what we could be talking about, but conclude I'm probably freaking over nothing. I come downstairs and see my mom sitting on the couch and she asks me to have a seat. I sit down and she pulls out the heftiest stack of home-printed documents you've ever seen. I'm talking the kind of stack that could kill a small child. I'm no idiot and I instantly realize just what kind of shit I'm in. She proceeds to leaf through and ask me what it's all about. I don't know what's worse, the hundreds of raunchy porno titles on display or the sex-ridden chat logs from MSN. Instant nausea. She proceeds to make me READ ALOUD to her excerpts from my chats talking to girls about sex and what I wanted to do to them. She continues to leaf through, quoting particularly sexual messages from me and then asks me about my virginity. I lost my virginity a few months before I moved in with her but never would even consider discussing it with either of my parents. So by now I realize she has read somewhere in the logs about my little secret and the cat is out of the bag. I told her how blatantly inappropriate her invasion of my privacy was and stormed out of the house. Eventually it blew over but it will always be lingering in the back of my mind.
**TL;DR - I thought my extremely Christian mom was bluffing when she mentioned a keystroke logger on my computer, she ended up printing a hundred pages of my porn history and sexual chat logs and made me read them aloud to her.**
frumactuary: Why does your "extremely Christian" mom have a boyfriend?
B68B: Wouldn't be a classic staunch Christian without the hypocrisy now would she?
frumactuary: I'm sorry that your mothers a hypocrite. It must have not been easy on you.
Just because shes a hypocrite, it doesn't mean all Christians are.
Did you ever ask her why she had a problem with you, since she had a boyfriend and presumably had sex outside of marriage?
B68B: Sorry, meant it more in the sense that a lot of religious people like to pick and choose what applies to them.
But no, I never did ask her. Would never feel comfortable having that conversation. I guess she thought she had us fooled with her boyfriends and that we assumed they never went at it. Either that or more of a "do as I say, not as I do" mentality.
frumactuary: If she complains about stuff you do again (because it's "not Christian") you should ask her. Not in a mean way, just in a very nice curious way.
If she complains about you having sex you should tell her that you learned from her!
| 6 | 9.666667 | |
1387191505 | 1387384520 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | I_Used_20_Characters: TIFU by watching porn at my grandmother's house
This actually happened a while ago, but so did everything else on this sub. This fuck up happened whilst I was still in highschool. I lived very far away from my highschool, so during my senior year I lived with my grandmother to save money on petrol. As you can imagine, my grandmother is not an avid user of the Internet, but I am. I implored her to change to a shaped plan. A shaped plan is where instead of charging you extra when you go over your data allowance, they slow your throughput with no further charges.
She refused, because technology is scary. If she had just taken my advice, I wouldn't be writing this post. Highschool was a very frustrating time for me; I grew hair where there was no hair before, and I felt the urges that all teenage boys feel. My room had a computer in it, and I consistently went over our data allowance with pornography every single month that I lived with my grandmother. Since the allowance was so restrictive, I chose to download and store all of the porn videos locally for later use, in a single folder called something along the lines of "Biology Homework," because teenagers like to think that they're clever when they're really not. I even cleared the browser history, because obviously I did.
Frustrated, (but in a different, angrier way) my grandmother called her ISP to dispute a huge bill that my penis had accrued (*.. Ladies*). The ISP emailed her my download history, which included a lot of visits to various tube-porn sites. My grandmother, not fully understanding that her 'download limit' encompasses page views as well as downloaded files, decided to search through all of my folders, and yes, she found lots and lots of my dirty, **dirty** porn.
Now, my grandmother isn't stupid. Obviously a teenage boy is going to look at Internet porn. She opened one of the aforementioned locally stored videos. She was not prepared for what she saw. My grandmother was married at 19, so she hasn't exactly been around the block. What she saw was in an entirely different suburb. When I got home from school she confronted me. I owned up to everything, because I didn't think that it was that big of a deal, but I moved back home anyway because my grandmother couldn't deal with the monetary cost of my habits.
**TL;DR I watched so much porn whilst living with my grandmother that she kicked me out. Also she found my porn-stash and was disgusted.**
SirKrisX: For science, what kind of sick shit were you into?
I_Used_20_Characters: Well I checked the recently viewed files after she confronted me and I think the video that she saw had some food-play in it. Nothing super-weird like animals, but some pretty imaginative stuff nonetheless.
| 3 | 13.333333 | |
1387258993 | 1387294340 | null | t5_2to41 | 54 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating old McDonald's
This actually happened yesterday but it's a pretty bad fuck up. So I was at my frat house for a not-so-casual night of drinking and general drunken debauchery. I showed up around 8 with a few other people and someone had bought nearly 10 McChickens for some reason. Fast forward to around 12 and I'm pretty drunk and kind of hungry. I walk upstairs into the kitchen and what do I see? *Motherfucking McChickens* in all of their crispy, shitty, third-world country quality glory. In my inebriated state I realized that they had been sitting out, un-refridgerated, for about 4 hours now and I they probably aren't good, but I figure I can stick them in the microwave for about 15 seconds to heat them up and kill all of the bacteria. This was a terrible idea. I'm walking back to my apartment across campus at around 3am and my stomach starts to hurt and I realize I have to shit and I won't make it back unless I relieve myself, and the only building that I think will be open is the chapel that's on campus. Church's are always open, right? It was. So I go into the bathroom to do the deed and as I'm hunched over in bowel-bending glory shitting my brains out, I get the urge to throw up and I realize I probably shouldn't have eaten 3 of the 4 hour old McChickens. So here I am stuck on the toilet when I spew my food goo all over the church bathroom in the most unholy of ways. It was awful.
TL;DR Drunkenly triple-headed-dragoned from eating too much spoiled McDonald's in the most unholy of ways. Sorry Jesus.
coveritwithgas: Bacteria aren't really all that fast. If you got food poisoning, the first puke would have been just the beginning. You just got bad food on top of bad booze.
gnur: Exactly, alcohol is way worse for your body then McChickens are.
| 3 | 18 | |
1387266258 | 1387303949 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by losing my temper while at the store
So, before I get to the actual fuck up, I'll give you what built me up to absolutely raging.
First off, I wake up in the middle of the night, and I can't sleep because my dog is barking at the neighbor's dog, the whole fucking night "Yap Yap!" but I wasn't going to shout at my dog, at the very least she was trying fend off a possible "threat".
I get out of bed to a shitty day, it's pouring outside, fine, whatever, fuck you weather. Except it's not fine, because I have to walk to the fucking store. But I was not going to lose my temper at the weather.
Maybe a refreshing breakfast will improve my day, nope, no food in the house. Of course their is no fucking food in the house. But I was not going to lose my temper at something I could of prevented.
So, I put on my shoes (one is missing its lace, might I add) and begin walking in the piss poor weather to the store.
I'm soaked when I arrive at the store, I pickup some chips and a drink and head to the self checkout.
There is a line for the self checkout, by the way, its meant to be for people who are just picking up some snacks or whatever, but no fuckin' biggy, you can be a lazy fucking asshole and use it for grocery shopping, you fucking scum. The staff couldn't stop them either, they were too busy handling people's Christmas items.
So I'm at the front of the line, heading to the open machine, and fucking get this, these two old women push in front of me and were enroute to the open self checkout machine. This time, I was gonna fucking lose it
"What the fuck are you doing?" I say, a little louder then I was hoping, they whirl around and say something in Spanish, I think (it sounded like "buro"? "burro?" I don't know) but another checkout opens, I glare at the two bastards and I head to that one, mind you the other shoppers are looking at me, surprised. I payed for my stuff and left.
Now, I looked like a total fucking idiot losing my cool at the store and I do regret stirring up a situation like that, but I do not regret getting angry those assholes. But I hope you can understand what built me up to it
TL:DR No sleep, no food, shitty weather, getting soaked and two assholes make me an angry douchebag.
[deleted]: are you Canadian?
PassivePandas: No, if he was he would have been more kind.
[deleted]: yeah, a Canadian losing his cool at a store... major F up
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1387262576 | 1387292754 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | I_Control: Tifu by trying to be funny
Today I said a sexist comment about how women right were a joke since we were talking about rights in Social Class so I got the death stare from this one girl who has a mighty wraith and I thought she was going to kill me. I was apologizing to everyone in my class and tried explaining it was a joke from somewhere. Also I'm not a sexist male I think male and females should have equal rights.
TL:DR Made sexist joke in a room full of grade 9ers.
Sorry for the spelling mistakes I try to Improve on it.
ssjkriccolo: Reminds me of the death stares i got when i was in group therapy and i said it was a place for crazy people.
I_Control: I just about shit myself it was so scary.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1387240304 | 1387473826 | null | t5_2to41 | 38 | MelonHeadSeb: TIFU by pulling an all-nighter
I stayed up all night last night because I needed to catch up on a really important controlled assessment that I was behind on. This means that at school I was exhausted. Unfortunately I had a French test the same day, and, seeing as I slept through half of it, I'm not expecting a great mark.
So as soon as I got home from school, I had a shower, got dried, and went downstairs to relax and go on reddit. Turns out I fell asleep at some point. This would not usually have been a problem, but when I woke up my laptop had been restarted and I had a raging erection. I happened to be wearing my pyjamas, so they are quite loose and make a boner incredibly difficult to hide, especially when you've fallen asleep in the lounge where your family will walk in and out of.
My trouser tent was the least of my worries. When I logged back into my laptop, I checked my history and I saw that the last thing I had been browsing was /r/WTF. I opened the last link that I viewed on it in my semi-conscious state, and, to my horror, it was an imgur album with pictures of a man branding the head of his penis.
I am 99% sure that at least one of my parents saw my boner and the screen of my laptop whilst I was asleep, so of course it doesn't really look amazing at this point, because my dad implied that I should be more careful about what I'm viewing online. Hopefully he just said this as a general tip because I guess there's the possibility of my laptop having restarted *before* he got the chance to see my screen, as long as I drowsily pressed space when [this cunt](http://i.imgur.com/J4Y72cY.png) showed up (pressing space will select the option highlighted automatically, which, in this case, is "Restart Now") - although it is very wishful thinking. I have no idea how my laptop could have been restarted otherwise though.
So now, not only am I behind on my revision for my big controlled assessment in a few hours which I won't be able to concentrate on anyway, but my parents may also think I am into genital mutilation.
***
**TL;DR** don't fall asleep and browse /r/WTF at the same time
Napster449: Do you by chance live in the UK?
MelonHeadSeb: I do. Why?
Napster449: Ah, the use of the words "controlled assessment". I too live in the UK and those motherfuckers suck.
MelonHeadSeb: Haha tell me about it. I've had 2 in the past 2 weeks and I still have more coming. Surprisingly I'm not exactly looking forward to them.
Napster449: Ah, what year? French sucks major dick.
MelonHeadSeb: Year 10. I haven't had a french CA yet but it sounds absolutely horrible.
Napster449: Ah I understand your pain. Year 11 here. They suck ballz especially speaking ones.
MelonHeadSeb: Ugh, speaking tests. They're pretty much just memory tests.
Napster449: Pretty much, they suck though.
| 10 | 3.8 | |
1387277692 | 1387278228 | null | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: TIFU By pouring butter on my girlfriends cooter
ok this is what happening,
my parents are out with family friends, and theyll be back any minute so i need your help
Heres some background:
see, i volunteer on my sisters softball team (im 22, the girls are 15)
and whatever yea i met this girl, her name is Alison, and were going out for a while. We have alot in common, sometimes i help her with homework. I hepled her on her english essay and she still got a D. This is because the teacher is a prick ... anywayz
So she came over like an hour ago, and i really want to lose my virginity, so i ask her to have sex
"no, no i cant, its not right" she said, but i told her "dont worry i know what im doing, ill be done in like 10 seconds, pluss ill give you 2 n64 games if you say yes"
So I gave her Diddy Kong Racing, and Ken Griffey Jr Baseball, and then she goes to my room. Shes a bit confused and scarred.
Then i think to myself - yo I need lube right? Cuz i heard guys at my school saying you need to lube up her clit otherwise it wont fit in properly.
Ok so i have no lube, but i really want to lose my viginity - so i grab some butter from the fridge, but its cold, it wont melt - so I microwaved it for 8 minutes, and then i put it in a glass and poured it on her cooter, now shes saying i burned it.
I dont know what to do, my parents are going to be back any minute and shes crying in the bathroom plz help you guyz are relly smrat and please help me.
Any idea how to shut her up? Should i give her another n64 game?
djunkmailme: History of this copypasta [here](http://www.gamespot.com/forums/offtopic-discussion-314159273/need-help-finding-a-thread-27236732/)
LK3000-: It is a classic and it needs to be retold every so often.
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1387293123 | 1387319440 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,103 | NeverLearns1219: TIFU Update
This is a TIFU update on the fuck up where I left my BDSM material out... Here is a link for any one who hasn't seen it. http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1svie0/tifu_by_not_putting_away_my_bdsm_material/
Well its not from the same account but with good reason. So as it turns out, my mom has it all. My brother-in-law pulled me aside this morning and told me that my mom had found my bag of stuff. He also told me that my mother had told him and my sister that if I asked about it, to tell me I could have it back when I was 21. Now as all you lovely people suggested I played it off as a joke... He kinda killed that by saying and I quote, "That's not what your little readit account says". So in other words that account is about to be deleated along with everything on it unfortunately...
This also means that they have been going through my electronics, because **a)** none of them actually use reddit and **b)** They would of had to in order to be able to find out my username and other information...
I love you all and I'm sad that all your imaginary internet points will have to go to waste from my last post. At this point I'm not sure what I should do... But I know one thing for sure... Once I'm gone this summer I doubt I'll be talking to my parents very much... I mean after all my mom already thinks I'm going to hell, not like I can screw things up worse than that right?... Though I'm sure I can find a way, as I always seem to....
- LG
perrymanon: I wouldn't blame you. If my parents ever went through my stuff and then 'confiscated' items or went through any of my online accounts I would be very angry. Its not about hiding things its just about your privacy to do what you choose with your life behind closed doors.
mobius_sp: I don't know about that. I'm a parent, I have an 18 year old. He is under no illusion that he has an expectation of privacy while living with me (I insist on login information for his electronic accounts). Before I get flamed into oblivion, however, I would never have confiscated his personal items or toys... I might have sought to discuss the situation with him, if nothing else to make sure he's being careful and safe. For that matter, I might have made a suggestion or two (if nothing else than to embarrass the living hell out of him so he didn't forget to put away his things so his younger siblings didn't get ahold of them). I also don't castigate him for online activity; he's old enough to make certain decisions for himself, and in all honesty I rarely check up on him, as I don't want to become *too* familiar with stuff he might be interested in, especially since he became a legal adult. I liken it to being in IT at a company; there is no such thing as true electronic privacy, and since I own the home I have a right to know what's happening.
x_katrina_x: You do realise that the login details you have are just the ones he uses for WoW and job applications, right? The real ones have been hidden for years, and when he finally leaves, he'll never trust anyone close to him, because as far as he was raised, everybody has secret accounts that they do their weird shit on.
mobius_sp: As I said, I don't castigate him for things he looks at on the internet. And I would certainly never take his things. I also wasn't completely clear in my previous comment; he does have a smart phone, and that is reserved for his use without monitoring. It's just items that are commonly used by all my kids that I keep tabs on.
You'd have to know the kid to realize he doesn't have secret accounts... I kind of wish he did. He'd be more "normal" (whatever the hell that is) as a result. It's hard to explain on the internet, but his electronic usage is pretty straightforward. He's clueless when it comes to most electronics, and especially when it comes to internet security and personal protection.
Mostly I just keep tabs on it because he has much younger siblings who shouldn't be exposed to certain things. I don't really care what he looks at, and I've made that clear, as long as it isn't around the young ones. That, and he got "taken" by a predator on a gaming site a few years back... the guy had his personal information and when I finally found out what was going on was trying to set up a meet between the two of them. From that point on there was no real privacy on our computers (prior to that, as long as my younger kids weren't exposed to porn, I let him have free range).
sappy16: Maybe he's not 'normal' in his internet/electronics usage and 'clueless' when it comes to internet security and privacy because he's never had a chance to use it without his parent(s) checking up on him. To some degree, trust breeds responsibility. For as long as your actions tell him he can't be trusted to use the internet safely and independently, he will likely believe it to be true and he will never develop those skills.
I would urge you to loosen the reins. He's eighteen, an adult, for goodness sake. Allow him to make (and learn from) his mistakes now and you'll avoid much bigger problems in the future when he doesn't have anyone looking out for him.
mobius_sp: I'm not trying to be snarky with you here, but I keep seeing the same fallacious arguments over and again, and it's due in part to the fact that I wasn't completely clear, which is my fault. Your points are valid, except as they apply to the following:
> I would urge you to loosen the reins.
He has his own smartphone, free from monitoring. I pay the bill, but that is automatically done so I don't even have to look at it. If he wants to pay the bill, I would be overjoyed beyond belief. I also encourage him to make his own choices, free from parental involvement provided they don't affect his younger siblings. Again, much younger siblings, I am responsible for their welfare, anything that conflicts with that isn't acceptable. If you came into my house and threw porn on my living room tv while my 8-year old is in the room, we'd be having a serious discussion about it.
> he's not 'normal' in his internet/electronics usage and 'clueless' when it comes to internet security and privacy because he's never had a chance to use it without his parent(s) checking up on him.
My main computer, excluding my personal laptop, is in the living room, exposed to his much younger siblings. As for normal, it is in part due to his upbringing. Former Jehovah's Witness, no longer one, but that religious cult is what he was brought up as. We're trying to fix that now, but he is experiencing culture shock from having us overturn everything he was brought up to believe. It sucks for all of us, but we are actively trying to prepare him for a better world as a regular person, not a JW cultist. Baby steps must be taken or he might flee back into the comfort of what he *knows* versus the unfamiliar; he is *far* better off not being a JW as any basic internet search will demonstrate.
>To some degree, trust breeds responsibility.
I agree wholeheartedly, hence his own smartphone and the increasing trust and responsibility he's been getting for the past year or two.
I didn't want to bring up the religious aspect of things Nothing good comes of it. As a non-believer (now) I'm in the process of trying to "deprogram" my kids, my 18-year old included. I want him to have *choices*, which I am being accused erroneously of not providing. None of us were allowed choice as a part of our religion (they are a high-control religion/cult). Now I'm introducing him to it, after years of being very sheltered.
As I said in a previous comment, all parents make mistakes with their children. A good parent takes those mistakes, learns from them, and then applies the solution to the younger ones as they grow up. I should be a reasonably good parent around my 36th child or so.
sappy16: It sounds like you're doing a good job 'deprogramming' him from his former life, and as I don't know your son, I can't say that in the circumstances he doesn't need to be treated differently from the average 18 year old (though I do believe that at his age he should be able to live his life, online and off, without monitoring from his parents).
But your original response (*"I don't know about that. I have an 18 year old..."* in response to /u/perrymanon's comment that *"Its not about hiding things its just about your privacy to do what you choose with your life behind closed doors."*) was a blanket statement about monitoring offspring in their late teens, and my view is that the typical 18 year old (and indeed 16 or 17 year old) should not have their every move watched and restricted by their parents.
In your original clarification, you didn't specify why you choose to parent your son this way (i.e. the JW stuff), so it seemed that you would do the same for any 18 year old that you do for your son. Maybe you still would, maybe not. It isn't clear. But certainly given the special circumstances of your son's recent life upheavals, I understand much better why you would watch him closely for the time being.
mobius_sp: Yeah, I wasn't as clear about it as I could have been. Partly because I'm guilty of writing novels for comments, partly because I didn't think it would be germane to the conversation (but apparently...), and partly because I didn't want to drag out the dirty laundry more than I already had. The level of control that organization exerts also dictates a lot of how we think and reason, and I've got a lot to overcome as well. I know that I can trust my son, he's a great kid, but he just doesn't have some of the knowledge or skills yet that you all take for granted. I think the best way to describe it is that yes, he is 18 with a lot of the same thought processes and so forth; however, in some aspects (socially) he's only about as mature as a 14 or 15-year old. He's developing nicely, but it's a process. In addition to acclimating him to the real world, I'm also having to acclimate and adjust the patterns of behavior for my younger ones (which is easier, because of their age).
> it seemed that you would do the same for any 18 year old that you do for your son. Maybe you still would, maybe not. It isn't clear.
I can't answer that honestly. I really don't know how I'm going to handle all that when my next child gets up to 18. I've got deprogramming of my own to do as well. I hope to be the type of parent that doesn't control things as much as I have in the past, and I'm actively trying to catch up on good parenting techniques. That's the problem with high-control religions like JW's; they affect *all* aspects of your life, including thought patterns and emotional responses. It takes a while to normalize after all that.
sappy16: It definitely sounds like you have their best interests at heart, and despite what I said about being controlling, I think it's got to be better to 'overparent' for the right reasons than 'underparent' to the point of neglect. Above all, it's about striking the right balance for the individual kid.
Sounds like you've had a rough time. Good on you for getting out and reclaiming your lives. I wish you all the best.
| 10 | 110.3 | |
1387270930 | 1387349605 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: TIFU by not recognising signs
So I'm in high school in Australia and school just ended for the year for me.
On the last day at our school we had some festival thing to celebrate the end of the year it was shit but there was a girl who I always thought was hot in my grade hanging around me whispering in my ear touching my arms and chest and generally getting really close to me.
So later on me and my friends and her friends and her were talking in a group and she was continuing to touch me and so on until she offered to buy me a drink (coke cause ya know school) as she knew I had no money.
I being the stupid asshole I am said yes and she began walking off and it was only when she was about 10 metres away that I realised she probably wanted me to follow her so we could talk alone and such but it was too late cause she realised I wasn't there looked back at my and rushed away embarrassed.
Later on she just gave me the money for a drink and barely talked to me for the rest of the day.
I am kicking myself as I probably will not see her again for a long time and I probably ruined my chances with her.
LONINFINITY: This is completely irrelevant to the fuckup, but what Australian school finishes in the middle of December? I finished mid to late November.
ellaheather: The public school end of term 4 this year for all states and Territories in Australia was either this week or last (dates range from the 12-20th of December). What kind of school to you go to? I'm guessing it's a private school?
LONINFINITY: Yeah, private. Didn't realise that public schools ended so much later.
| 4 | 6 | |
1387277691 | 1387304709 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to fly an RC helicopter in the house
So, for the past few weeks, I've been really bored at home. Not much to do really aside from reddit and youtube. So I decided to go find my dads nice expensive RC helicopter while he was at work and fly it.
However! being the dumbass I am, I took it to my room to make sure the batteries were still charged. So I plugged up the batteries in the controller, turned the controller on and off to see if it worked, and it did.
Then I took the helicopter, straightened out the blades, and plugged the battery for that in, and the little red light came on,indicating that there was power and it was turned on, and everything seemed to be working fine.
Until I noticed that the blades were trying to spin.
(The helicopter was on its side, so the blades were stuck pushing the ground)
At this point I was not in possession of the controller, and the controller was turned off, and sitting on my bed. So I started panicking, trying to pull the connector of the battery loose.
These little fucking connectors.
They are the bane of my existence. Unless you have some pliers or long nails, these bitches are difficult as fuck to unhook.
While trying to unhook the connector, smoke started coming from the motor of the helicopter, and the plastic body had started to melt.
I finally got it unplugged, and all is settled.
I'm not sure if the helicopter still works.
I backed away from it to make sure it didnt like explode or anything, let it sit and settle, watching the smoke drift up to my ceiling, kind of frightened.
It stopped smoking, and the plastic wasn't too damaged, so I sat it back on the shelf. Nobody has noticed so far.
TL;DR: Read the story it's worth calling me a dumbass.
schizophrenictornado: dumbass
Xiexe: See. Totally worth it.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1387299203 | 1387313600 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | Pumpkin_Pie: The fuckery never ends. My longest streak of one fuckery after another.
[deleted]: Your wife sounds like a bitch... no offense.
Pumpkin_Pie: I'll make sure to tell her that
JManGraves: I wouldn't say bitch but I don't think she should be *that* mad at you if it was an accident; and maybe you can sell the tickets to someone else so it might not be that bad.
Pumpkin_Pie: Four hour car ride stats in half an hour. I'm going to need to start producing the excuses
-My_Other_Account-: Can you sell the tickets on craigslist?
Maybe ask if she has any friends who would like to come along?
Since the mistake is already made and nothing can be done to reverse it, why not try to make the best of it?
Pumpkin_Pie: The concert isn't until March. I am hoping it sells out and it will make selling them easy. Unless there are three redditors who want to go.
| 7 | 3 | |
1387295451 | 1387351158 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | MessedUpElf: TIFU: I treated "budget projection" like reality and played at being an Elf. Oops!
I'm positing this under a throw-away, because I don't want to make anyone else feel badly...
After Thanksgiving, I was feeling so grateful and blessed by all we had. No real savings, but no huge debt either, and enough to pay the bills. I was looking forward to extra work hours and a bonus on my December 15th check, so I decided to help other people out. Toys for Tots, the foster system toy drive, the local food drive, and another family on Reddit that were having a tough time all got hundred dollar donations. I finished my Christmas shopping for family, signed up for Reddit Secret Santa, paid all the monthly bills.... and then came down with influenza.
The 'flu is no joke. I was flat out for a week, and I missed 8 days of work. During the busy season, the working of which is what *earns* that holiday bonus. That, plus two doctor visits and a prescription of Tamiflu, and I am down a cool $1000 from my "projected budget." With $90 bucks left until January 1st.
So my husband and I are trying to return the gifts we got for each other in time to buy groceries. I'm returning a couple of things I got for my daughter as well.
Being an Elf is a wonderful thing....but planning ahead and being frugal would have been better. Next year, I'll start saving early so I have money to share that doesn't hinge on my "projected" paycheck. Oops.
Tl;dr: Santa's elves' kids have few toys of their own, like the cobbler's kids who have no shoes.
karmichoax: Do you have anything for your daughter on an Amazon wish list? I don't have a lot but I'll see what I can do and if you don't mind posting the list public who knows...
MessedUpElf: Thanks so much for the offer! I think my daughter's going to be pretty well cared for. I'm returning a couple of things I'd bought her, but she's getting everything that was high in her list - Legos and clothes for her 18 inch doll. We'll have a happy Christmas - just a scaled back one. And, really, there isn't anything wrong with that. I kind of wish it had been my plan from the beginning.
My husband and I decided that the charitable donations were just the gifts we made to each other this year, and we're returning the other stuff. That should keep food on the table until January!
I learned a heck of a lesson from this. :-/
karmichoax: Glad to hear you're still going to have a merry christmas, if you change your mind though.... ;)
Happy holidays!
MessedUpElf: That's really lovely of you to offer.
Happy holidays to you and yours.
| 5 | 6.4 | |
1387318395 | 1387431629 | null | t5_2to41 | 146 | TheOnlyb0x: TIFU by deciding an open highway was fun
I write this fuck up with shame.
So here I am, driving home from a friend's house at 3:30am on a highway. I had just bought a new car about a month ago and there was almost no one on the road except for one car a ways down. Seeing that I decided to see just how fast this car could go. I get closer to the car, he's two lanes over so I decide to keep my foot down. It was from about 20ft away that I noticed it was a cop. I now have a date to appear in court for driving 100mph in a 55mph speed limit. Yeah...I fucked up royally. What's worse is I don't have the money to afford this monster of a ticket coming up.
[deleted]: How old are you? You might even need to get a lawyer for this one depending on your history because you could lose your license.
TheOnlyb0x: With the statute that he posted on the ticket, it looks like I am incredibly lucky. He gave me a non-criminal moving violation. My history is pretty clean other than a moment about 4 years ago where I lost control of a vehicle and flipped it.
keeber1: > where I lost control of a vehicle and flipped it.
????
probably should take it down a notch.
rbassett: I just want to say that you can be driving in a perfectly safe and legal manner and still lose control of the car. I was driving down the highway doing 100km (around 65 miles/h) which was the speed limit. I looked down to adjust my windows, looked up less than 5 seconds later and I was half in the other lane. I swerved, fishtailed, and the car landed upside down in the ditch. Thankfully, we were all ok, and I was the only one hurt. Accidents can happen in a split second.
keeber1: did you just get a ticket for doing 100 in a 55 tho?
TheOnlyb0x: From what I can see on the ticket, yes. I just sent photos of the ticket to a lawyer and they are reviewing it now.
keeber1: the "you" was referring to rbassett, the user i replied to.
| 8 | 18.25 | |
1387324511 | 1387389684 | null | t5_2to41 | 60 | krogi: TIFU by running towards the police with a plastic AK-47 in hand
This actually happened two years ago but i and a friend (who was involved) recently talked about it and i thought you guys would like this. Longish post!
It began with me and 3 friends at a football(soccer)field/playground having a softgun war. You know the plastic guns that shoot small pellets. We all had pistols except me, i had thrown a bit more money into this game and gotten a life-size AK-47. It was the first time we gathered to do this and everything was awesome, it hurt but still awesome.
Unfortunately it began to rain after a while, it is Norway after all. Us being in norway also means it gets dark pretty early and the street we had to go through to get home was poorly lit. As the weather worsened we started running down this dark street, forgetting we were still wielding weapons. Then things got bad.
As the idiot i am i run ahead of the others with my assault rifle still in hand when i suddenly spot a car in front of me. A white van, didn't think much of it untill suddenly i hear shouting and realize what i was facing. OH.. MY.. GOD... My head just stopped working for a moment as two officers jumped out and shouted at me to drop the weapon.
I don't think i have ever been in that stage of panic before or since. strangely it took me five seconds to drop it because my brain thought it was important to first descide where to put it. As soon as it left my hands a man pushed me face first into a wall, made me get on my knees and handcuffed me. I was in shock, everything was so fast and intense, i barely understood what was happening.
Then of course two of the other guys show up and see me, confused they both just drop thier guns when yelled at and get put down beside me against the wall.
Now comes the stupidest part. The fourth guy came walking down the street pointing his gun around and looking confused. The police keep yelling at him to drop it and guess what the guy does!
He puts the gun in his GOD DAMN BACKPOCKET and then proceeds to walk towards them calm as a sloth. As he was heading down they had started picking the other guns up and realized they were plastic lickily.
The only reason they didn't draw weapons themselves was because (of all times) they were on thier way to pick them up and were currently unarmed. lucky fucking us!!!
We were all underage so as a result of this our records are no longer clean, the weapons were confiscated and our parents went ballistic.
I will be much more careful when running in the streets with assault rifles from now on.
Long story short: softgun war,by accident ran at a police car armed with a plastic AK-47, scared the shit out of them, got my face knocked to a wall and handcuffed. great.
PS: it was not blowing so did not get a fine for playing in the wind at least.
I_j1337: I don't see how you could get in trouble at all just for having a plastic weapon. You were doing nothing wrong.
krogi: would you not freak out if four people with guns came running at you at night? they had no idea they were plastic at first.
I_j1337: But they hand cuffed you which is extreme. Did they not even give you a chance to explain what was happening?
kuavi: Look at it from the eyes of the law enforcement's eyes. It's a rainy day, making things hard to see. As they're driving around, suddenly they see a perp running at them with an ak-47 rifle. Most airsoft guns look very similar/exactly like their real-life counterparts, especially if the orange tips were removed.
Now what they did next was EXTREMELY brave. They had no weapons and could have easily fled the scene. Instead they rush the guy and his friends and disarm them.
I'd say handcuffing someone for a moment is okay if he could potentially shoot you.
| 5 | 12 | |
1387232699 | 1387404714 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | ThrowawayLevelExpert: TIFU and seriously over-did it in Zante.
This is going to start like most of these with a "this wasn't today but whatever". Just shut up, y'all want to here a good story. So, me and my two best mates are out in Zante. First ever lads holiday. If you've seen the Inbetweeners film, that was roughly our expectations. And it delivered.
So I had never been sick from alcohol until the first night. Zante changed that. Apologies to Megan, our rep, who received the blessing of my first ever tactical chunder. That's what you get when we arrive at 8:00 and we have dropped the bags and in a huge group on the way to the strip at 8:02. So yeah, shit had gone down, one mate nailed the grimmest effort of a girl in our whole resort and we carried on.
Fast forward to the third night, this is where I really fucked up. We waited fairly late to go out, plenty of predrinks, best digs on and ready for whatever the fuck that night would bring us. So we went slightly mad, laughing gas, headfuckers and erect nipples went down and down for a while. We followed the reps group and ended up in a bar/ club thing. At this point I was on the verge between loving it and cresting the peak. My confidence was huge, my banter and charm (I thought) was top notch and was chatting up some skirt. Then my boys came over and told me that they entered my fucked ass in one of the drinking games. And, in case you have never been on this type of holiday before, that's code for torture involving alcohol.
So it's me versus this girl, and I'm genuinely struggling to comprehend the instructions from the rep over the huge PA system in the club, but there is a load of drinks on a tray to the side and a barstool in front of me. That's what a state I was already. I knew this was bad. So the idea was (from my memory), shot of vodka 10 spins around the bar stool, 10 push ups, 10 star jumps and there was 4 shots. Then the same thing but with a pint (!) of sex on the beach. Shit son. Did this in a completely retarded fashion, then we had to find 10 members of the opposite sex to kiss and run back. Done. Some of the girls even volunteered, but most, I sort of just grabbed their face. Then another shot of vod and one last excersize round. Whoah nelly.
As we got to the final big club where a DJ was playing, I was totally hating it. Felt just awful, could not control myself and I wanted out of this drunken stupor. My buddies paid for me to go to the VIP lounge so I could sit down. Sat down for maybe one or two minutes. Could not handle it. The music, the room spin, Jesus this is awful. Ran outside. Projectile paint job on a car parked outside the club. Sat on the curb and vomited some more all over myself and the car. Passed out. Loads of people tyres to wake me up, apparently. Would not move. I went to a place then that I never want to go to again. If I had a gun, I would have shot myself immediately. And I'm very much not suicidal. I wanted out. I wanted to die if it stopped my being this goddamn drunk. Wanted to cry. Saw an ambulance pulling up. Got in.
Woke up in the middle of the night on a drip, doctors and nurses standing around me. Was on a drip. Went back to sleep just to get out of this nightmare. I could not face reality.
Woke up the next morning, no headache and far more sober, still with the drip attached. Found my way to the hospital toilet, trailing the drip behind. Found something else down there too (reset the counter everyone). Yup. Had done that overnight at some point. At this point I was just greatfull to be alive and not drunk.
To shorten this part up, I chatted to the nurses and they basically said I owed about €500. As luck would have it I paid for travel insurance and the nurses said that we would agree to say I just had a stomach bug from the water, otherwise if there is alcohol involved they won't pay.
This ended with me banging on the door of my bros hotel room. Tears of joy in their eyes, all I could say was, "I need travel insurance, hotel documents and out flight ticket home". Those words are now legend amongst us.
That's my tale. Sorry if I wrote it like shit of if it was boring. It was one of the worst moments of my life, no actually THE worst (I have had a lucky life so far in terms of relatives passing etc). And if someone can get a laugh out of it and/or learn from it, then it wasn't such a waste of time.
TLDR: I don't blame you, that was one hell of a wall of text. Got so fucked up on first ever lads holiday, ended up in the hospital on a drip. And in Zante, there's not NHS like here in Blighty. £££
thetorturedsoul: Dude your story was awesome lol
ThrowawayLevelExpert: Thanks man. I might repost it in a week or two, took me ages to write on mobile!!!
| 3 | 5 | |
1387334411 | 1387336998 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | not_a_graduate: TIFU by ruining my chance of having a good future.
So i go to a great school and am far behind due to a long medical leave of absence. I came back trying to internally transfer to the business school and needed to get a 3.0 GPA in order to do so. I just got my grades back today and found out that I got 3 B's and a B- to give me a 2.97 GPA. I didn't get in and will have to withdraw out of the university because I cannot afford to start fresh in another major. The worst part about it is that in one of my classes I got a 87.25% which is .25 points away from rounding up to an 88% which would give me the 3.0 GPA I need to get in to the Business school. Now I have a shit load of student loan debt with not degree to help me pay it off.
tl;dr I am dropping out of college because I am .25 points short in getting into the major that I completely invested myself into.
nerdy3000: Have you tried discussing rounding up the single point with you professor? Don't let it ruin your future, apply for entry level jobs in an area you like. Bring your A game and give it your all. It is amazing how far confidence and a great work ethic will get you.
not_a_graduate: I've emailed my professor but haven't gotten a reply. I'm not going to let this break me, but coming this far just to fail is just so disheartening. That is basically my plan though, my work ethic is what I have to work with and hopefully I'll eventually be able to go back to school.
nerdy3000: Some failures lead to your biggest triumphs. I flunked out if university (taking programming) because my bf lost his job and I needed to support him too. As a result I switch to college the next year. At college I gave it my all, won 3 awards and my teachers hooked me up with job opportunities I wouldn't have had. I actually ended up way better off from my big "failure".
Its not about never failing, its about how you pick yourself back up.
not_a_graduate: Thats the exact kind of success story that I was hoping to be told! Thank you for sharing and best of luck to you!
| 5 | 5.6 | |
1387321144 | 1387380995 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | beboshoulddie: TIFU by exploding the Christmas Tree Fairy's head
I don't know how many other people do this, but in our family we traditionally ~~have~~ had a fairy on top of our Christmas Tree instead of an angel or star or something. I think it was a present from a relative.
The Tree Fairy has a plastic cone around which a dress thingy is wrapped for the body and - until recently - had a head made of ceramicy, porcelainey stuff. Very brittle, and very delicate.
Anyway, as I was decorating the tree I reached up to put the fairy on top, when the plastic tree decided that it was the perfect time to reconfigure its structural integrity and bent over. Downwards, the fairy tumbled until it found the lovely, rock-solid fireplace. Kaboom. Ceramic-fairy-head stuff all over the place. Whoops. I put a Santa hat on top of the tree instead.
ONE_ANUS_FOR_ALL: good ending
randomdice101: and to all a good anus?
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1387370449 | 1387402581 | null | t5_2to41 | 3,378 | ontimebrah: TIFU by having an expensive wank
So no one is home, I do what every teenager who is well raised with a loving family and a nice home would do, I load up some sweet mobile pornhub and go for a quiet one in the toilet as I want no mess, and easy clean up and I have a busy day ahead of me. So there I am spanking it to a Milf getting pummelled by a black guy, and it's going well. The wank is just about to end smoothly, so all my attention is focused on having the most pleasurable climax possible, and the grip on my iPhone begins to weaken, and as I valiantly let out a ripper of a jizz, my phone slips from the firm grip that once was, catches a bit of jizz on the way down, bounces around the bowl and falls into a pool of toilet water and 10am cum. The screen goes blank, the gorgeous Milf that was taking 10 inches just to pleasure me disappears into darkness, and my recently purchased $600 phone, with no insurance dies with it.
TLDR: Having a snappy with phone in hand in the toilet and I drop it in as I cum.
Heisenburglars: This is my fear everytime I do this.
I purposely hold a phone out a bit as to avoid this.
Sorry for your loss.
ilikeeatingbrains: ITT: Risky Business
1. Use a wristband attachment
2. Use a disposable cum catcher (a kleenex or shoebox works well)
3. Use dirty laundry to nut on
4. Wear underwear
5. Get a SO
No excuses. Your $300 piece of tech is not worth risking over a cumshot.
LilyMe: > shoebox works well
Stop it!!
bluesbrothers97: Shoebox???
TheDesktopNinja: We got a cumbox virgin here!
Yanek161: One of today's lucky 10 000!
Bergie31: [Relevant XKCD](http://xkcd.com/1053/)
xkcd_transcriber: [Image](http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/ten_thousand.png)
**Title:** Ten Thousand
**Title-text:** Saying 'what kind of an idiot doesn't know about the Yellowstone supervolcano' is so much more boring than telling someone about the Yellowstone supervolcano for the first time.
[Comic Explanation](http://www.explainxkcd.com/wiki/index.php?title=1053#Explanation)
**Stats:** This comic has been referenced 367 time(s), representing 6.06% of referenced xkcds.
---
^[Questions/Problems](http://www.reddit.com/r/xkcd_transcriber/) ^| ^[Website](http://xkcdref.info/statistics/)
neurorgasm: Good idea for a bot. Or someone with too much spare time. I can never tell.
| 10 | 337.8 | |
1387390342 | 1387851699 | null | t5_2to41 | 96 | dtooman: TIFU by wiping my face with my shitty underwear
Yesterday was a bad day for my ass. I hit the toilet twice for two twenty minute sessions that each left my ass feeling itchy and on fire. You know that feeling you get when you've wiped so many times that your ass becomes raw and you just can't take it anymore? So you say to yourself "fuck it, if I leave a skidmark, I leave a skidmark!" Well, I left a skidmark.
This morning, I stepped out of the shower, all clean and shiny with a freshly scrubbed bungholio and dried myself off. I leaned down and picked up the t-shirt and underwear I had slept in the night before. My nose was still wet and was dripping toward the floor, so I pulled the wad of clothing toward my face and wiped the water away. The smell of shit hit me as fast as the sensation of skidmark streaking across my nose and cheek. I immediately realized what I had done. I looked down and saw that I had not wiped my nose with my t-shirt as I had planned, but with my underwear. And there it was, my own little shit stain staring back up at me. Taunting me, as if to say "I finally got you, you son of a bitch!"
jaccarmac: I have a new hobby. It's taking /r/tifu posts and feeding them to cl-oneliner, a program which takes some text and analyzes its word frequencies to generate a shorter string. Your story is the first which has generated satisfying results. So here you go:
>I had slept in the toilet twice, for my nose was a skidmark well.
Jasondazombie: How do you get it to work?
jaccarmac: Well, you have to have some form of Common Lisp. I use SBCL. The easiest way to actually install the thing is with Quicklisp: (ql:quickload "cl-oneliner"). I use SLIME for my actual REPL, since SLIME rocks. Then you can just (cl-oneliner:oneliner "My text.").
TL;DR: You have to know your way around Lisp. As far as I can tell, there's no binary available.
Jasondazombie: *Lua guy here* WHAT
jaccarmac: SBCL is a Common Lisp compiler. Quicklisp is an open-source CL library manager. SLIME is a CL environment for Emacs. A REPL is like an interactive prompt for Lisp, but more powerful than, say, Python's prompt.
Jasondazombie: So... this thingy is stronger than Python and can do...What?
jaccarmac: Well, I can't really explain it that well. Basically, it allows you to get inside a running Lisp instance and mess around with whatever you want. There's no difference between compiled code and what you can do in the REPL. But it's Lisp. It's a programming language, just like any other. Check it out!
| 8 | 12 | |
1387398097 | 1387696837 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | boardgamejoe: TIFU Update - Harvard Bomb Threat
Does anyone else see the TIFU about the kid who emailed a bomb threat to his university in order to get out of finals?
I think it has been deleted now as I could not find it.
I saw this link on Yahoo! just now
http://news.yahoo.com/harvard-student-accused-making-campus-bomb-hoax-235205812.html
and I was like WOW, I saw this guy confess to this on this sub!
Please someone tell me that I didn't dream it.
lostdeceiver: I think I remember reading something like that. You think he'll update? haha
boardgamejoe: I think he deleted it when he realized that it was basically a confession.
3h8d: wait really? anyone have a screenshot or cache?
Thunder-Road: Yes please. I heard all about this on the news and through facebook, and would be really interested to read what this guy had to say about it himself.
| 5 | 2 | |
1387405845 | 1387474896 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,255 | [deleted]: Today My Brother Fucked Up By Going To A Strip Club...
So, my Brother isn't a Redditor, so I'm going to tell this story.
We had a meeting out of town and 6 of us went. The meeting ended and the beer and whiskey began to flow. It got a little later and the hosts decided to call it a night, but we weren't about to give up a good time so we we decided the best thing to do was go to the only strip club in this town. We go in, we pay our cover and we grab a table a row away from the stage. Commence more drinking....
At this point a few of the girls had started coming around and chatting. Six bikers at a table seems to be a fairly lucrative venture for them. Three guys get lap dances and there are 3 of us left at the table. I have my back to the stage and I'm chatting with one of the dancers when the song ends and the next dancer is coming on stage. I can see her in the mirror in front of me. Impressive. My Brother is directly across from me and facing the stage. The music starts. I look over at my Brother and his face goes as pale as a hood at a White Knights rally and he jumps up and bolts for the door. Directly, I turn and see the shapely ass end of the dancer as she's jumping off the stage and heading for the dressing room mid-song.
My other Brother and I jump up and run outside to figure out exactly what's going on. The Brother that ran outside looks like he's having a panic attack. We talk him down and ask him what the hell is going on. He finally gets it out that the last girl on stage is his 19 year old daughter that's attending the Christian university in town. Buzzes fade away and with no real way to console him I go back in and get the other Brothers and explain what happened. We quietly climb on our bikes and ride home. Christmas should be very awkward at their house next week....
Tl;dr: Went to a strip club with my Brother where he saw his naked daughter flaunting her goodies for horny drunk men.
Edit: These are MC Brothers not blood brothers if it wasn't obvious. Don't want Reddit thinking I was ogling at a niece.
Update: Since so many asked for it, I called last night to see what happened. Thank you Reddit for making me have such an awkward conversation. So he called her the next day and was understandably upset. She of course brought up what so many of you have; the hypocrisy of him going to see naked women and then finding out his daughter danced there. She assured him that she's safe. Long talk ensued and ended with him not being ok with his daughter stripping, but not being able to stop her from doing so either. He told me he'll never enter another strip club. She'll be home next week for Christmas. I was invited over. We'll see.
Lucarian: That is a fucked up thing for him to see but I do hope he doesn't get angry at her for choosing that job, economy is fucked ect. money is money.
Arlieth: Not everything has a tangible monetary value to it. Like reputation.
Lucarian: Reputation doesn't pay the bills or for food.
Arlieth: True, but it also bars you from some professions in the future, like teaching. Granted, you can move to another state, but depending on where you are, your family's reputation can also be affected.
Funny how defensive people are getting over this. I personally am very open-minded about it, but let's be fucking real here: there is a very personal and social cost for engaging in this line of work. If you have to put food on the table because it's a matter of survival, you do what you gotta do. If you're a 19-year old girl with a family that's putting you through college, I think your circumstances are different. If you need to make the money to pay off your student loans, then make sure this decision can't come back to haunt you in the future, because this is a short-term-gain, long-term-cost type of profession.
Lucarian: To be fair there are actually few professions that having been a stripper could be detrimental besides politician or a teacher. My main sort of argument is that reputation is a bullshit concept and being a stripper is in no ways inferior or demeaning a job unless society perceives it to be, which is does which sucks, but being supportive of sex workers is a pretty important thing with how often they are forced into it.
Arlieth: I'm all for supporting them and removing the negative stigma from the industry, it'd go a long way towards preventing workers from being exploited. But as progressive as we are, in more conservative (and smaller) communities (and this area has a Christian college, mind you), reputation is very real and still operates with a gemeinschaft (for lack of a better term) mentality. Hell, I would say being an atheist is a *far worse* stigma than being a stripper who goes to church on the weekends.
Lucarian: I suppose you are right and that I am applying my leftist, Australian values on a Conservative American town.
Arlieth: Thank you. I know the sex industry in Australia's pretty well regulated and it works out pretty well there as far as safety and such. I just wish I could buy games like GTA V with as much freedom as I can in the US, but I understand there's a conservative blowhard with singular authority over that entire process.
Lucarian: Oh, we got R-18 games a while ago, so I have been enjoying uncensored GTA V, so that's one less reason for American's not to flee to Australia.
Arlieth: Oh sweet. Now I just have to worry about all the deadly fauna down there. :P
| 11 | 114.090909 | |
1387404882 | 1387450455 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | Veratrol: TIFU by not finding an available bathroom
To start off it was about 3AM and I was doing work on car down in a heated garage under my work (I do not have a garage at home so since its winter here, I find it easier down there) I suddenly had the urge to shit and the door to my work was locked there was no way I was going to make it to another public bathroom, so i grabbed a micro fiber cloth out of my car (Clean one not dirty) and ran to the nearest garbage can, barely making it to it and shit right inside of it wiping with the cloth, once I got back to my car i realized i had gotten a little bit on the back on my pants as well, thankfully no one saw me doing this.
kefviranah1: technically still made it to the trash can but he got a little bit on him, does this mean we reset the counter?
AndeAlmighty: It's not a counter if it always stays at 0
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1387408268 | 1387648959 | null | t5_2to41 | 137 | slappyslug: TIFU by leaving my cock ring on too long
Setup: I had recently purchased a new cock ring. This is something I thought she may enjoy. To make sure it was the right size and so forth I experimented with it solo a few days before hand. All was well. Size was perfect. Did the job it was suppose to do. Feeling confident the GF would enjoy it.
Fast forward to sexy time with the GF. I got my the ring out and put it on my flaccid cock. Had my GF kneel in front of me for oral pleasure. Things are going well and my cock is growing and the ring is starting to do it's job. My cock is getting pretty engorged at this point and my GF can't fit it in her mouth anymore. I tell her to lay down so i can fuck her. I climb on top of her and she is dripping wet. I slide my engorged cock in her and we have some pretty awesome, rough sex. She loves the way it feels and I am pleased with my purchase at this point. Things are going well and I am super turned on with her reaction to my throbbing, thick cock. Orgasms for both of us and I pull out and try to slide the ring off.
I am still prety turned on and since the ring is doing it's job so well, it's a little difficult to slide off. Eventually the ring comes off and my cock is a little sore. I pay no attention to the discomfort and lay down next to my GF for cuddles. Quick nap and I wake up to a dull ache in my groin area. I look down and it looks like my cock has been beat on by Mike Tyson. It's bruised and looks like I may have a varicose vein now. It's not so painful as much as it aches. Plus, it's ugly as fuck. GF thinks it's funny. Kinda is.
TL;DR Left cock ring on too long, bruised cock, GF thinks it's funny
[deleted]: You probably should go to the doctor. Now. This can leave you permanently unable to get an erection.
slappyslug: I called my Dr. Told him the story. He laughed. I laughed. He said it would be fine and that the bruising should go away and to call back if the bump left behind didn't go away. So far the bruising is dissipating and the bump is going away.
Thanks for the concern for my junk :)
h3rmanmunst3r: I really hope you told him the story the same way you did here.
slappyslug: It wasn't word for word but I did tell him what happened. He suggested a bigger size too lol
| 5 | 27.4 | |
1387405454 | 1387419786 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | AngusVigerous: TIFU by getting my underage cousin drunk.
Well, actually it was Friday.
I'm on holiday in the town my family lives in, and my cousin has been excited about drinking with me since I messaged her at 4am after a long binge.
She asked to go out on Friday but instead had to look after her younger brothers, and her parents offered for me to help her so she asked me to "bring beer". Which I did in a backpack. We drank (she downed a whole bottle; shit was impressive), and her parents came home at two in the morning - drunk, I might add - and she hid the bag in the room. They told her off for not offering me beer from their beer fridge and we went to bed.
The next day we went out and my cousin asked if I should take the bag, I replied "no, it will be fine" and we left. A few hours later she got a text saying "come home now!" and they went off at her.
I've been told that I need to apologise to her parents (which I've been trying to do) and she's been completely ignoring me which makes me feel like a grade-A cunt.
I'll add that they said that if we didn't hide it (her idea) they would be fine.
I'm gonna try apologise again tomorrow...
Edit: I feel like an absolute fucking cunt. Not for drinking, fuck, if I'd feel bad about that I wouldn't have done it. I don't really don't know why. But I can't sleep properly or anything because the people I was close with won't speak to me any more.
ellaheather: Ah shit. I feel for you. I think you're going about it the right way by taking responsibility and trying to apologise. It's all you can really do. I'm sure they'll understand once they've cooled down and reprimanded her how they see fit. They obviously don't have a problem with you drinking with/around her and if they think about it it will probably seem obvious she was the one trying to hide it. Good luck!
AngusVigerous: Thanks! I'm hoping they'll be home tomorrow, because whenever I go psst they're out. I went to her grandfather's house and she was there and ignored me, so it made me feel much worse.
ellaheather: She's probably embarrassed and feeling guilty as well as mad things went sour.
Ah, when you said trying I thought maybe you'd been calling or something but good to hear you're intending to do it in person. I think this will be resolved smoothly and hope it will sooner for your sake.
AngusVigerous: Hopefully. I'll make it up to them somehow. I'm not feeling all the best about it thou. She's the cousin closest to my age and can get along with her more than some of my other cousins.
ellaheather: Yeah, it really sucks how it's played out. It seems kind of immature of her to hold this against you though. She needs to take some responsibility too, being the one that asked you to do it and the one that tried to hide it.
AngusVigerous: Yeah. I was paranoid too, but it was mainly her idea. I take more responsibilities because I think I tempted her with how much I talked up drinking.
| 7 | 3.142857 | |
1387417495 | 1387432348 | null | t5_2to41 | 266 | trapthrowaway1: TIFU by being a trap.
Throwaway for obvious reasons.
I am a guy who is obsessed with wearing all kinds of women's clothing, makeup, high heels, and anything else you could possibly imagine. So there I am, watching a movie in the front room while wearing 6-inch heels and a particularly slutty low-cut dress with my tits exploding out the top. (You'd be surprised what a tightly fastened belt underneath the chest along with a heavily padded bombshell bra can do.) I know I'm good on time because my room mate doesn't get off work for 5 hours, so naturally the door opens and my room mate walks in the front room.
We stare at each other a few seconds before I force out of my mouth, "Weeeeellllll, this is awkwarrrrd..." She then laughs and says, "Damn, can you dance for me too?!" I then receded to my room to lie in a pool of my own tears and regret. We've talked since then, and I'm just like "uuuuuuugggghhhhh".
[deleted]: Were they your roommate's clothes?
trapthrowaway1: Aw hell no.
[deleted]: So... where's the part where you fucked up?
From your post, it seems like she's cool with it.
Might be the lack of emotional context though. :L
Text doesn't typically provide that.
Belgara: I think it's more "Today I was embarrassed".
Dunno, really does sound like your roommate was just surprised, then shrugged it off. If that's the case, then sounds like you don't have to hide it around the house anymore, and you can just relax and do your thing whenever you feel the urge strike. I feel like women might be more likely to just shrug it off, or start throwing clothes or makeup at you to try. My friends and I did that with another friend that said he wanted to give cross dressing a shot. We decked him the hell out.
| 5 | 53.2 | |
1387409925 | 1387484010 | null | t5_2to41 | 46 | Liquorisquick3r: TIFU by being laughably absent minded after work
I just started a new job and have been a little stressed about work. So last Friday I left work at the end of the day and needed gas. I stopped at a gas station, pre paid inside and began pumping gas. My windshield wiper fluid box has a leak so my windshield is constantly dirty. While my gas was pumping I used the scrub thing to clean my windshield. Finished, got in my car, drove away... with the gas hose still in my car. It ripped the hose out. After 20 minutes of the gas station attendent calling me an idiot, taking my information, and telling me they just had that pump fixed the day before, I was on my way. So on my way home from work today I was running low on gas. You guessed it; I did the same exact fucking thing. In a matter of 6 days, I managed the same dumbass move, twice.
TLDR I'm an idiot
[deleted]: Wow, that's gonna be an expensive fuckup..
Edit: Spelling
GravityChanges: He did cover a lot of ground in the six days. . .
[deleted]: dumbass phone..
| 4 | 11.5 | |
1387422466 | 1387429037 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU By giving a shit.
I've been through a breakup recently. I'm having a difficult time with it (shh, don't tell anyone). I don't know who to talk to, and I've already annoyed the shit out of my friends.
My ex? Well, I see him every day. And quite frankly, I'm getting sick of it. I'm sick of people coming up to me, and telling me about the things he's done. The *people* he's done. I. . .I can't handle it. I keep all this shit bottled up, and I don't know if I should deal with it, and at the same time, I don't care.
Since the breakup, I've done my best to stop asking about him. I absolutely should not care what he's doing, who he's with, and so on and so forth.
But I came here for a reason, didn't I?
I cared again. He's about to do something fucking idiotic, and I don't know what to do. I want to help him, but at the same time, he's the dick that basically ruined my life.
So, yeah. I fucked up. I still care.
I'm going to do my damnedest to fix it.
Thanks for listening to my idiocy.
**TL;DR** I cared about what my ex did. I'm an idiot.
Moonreaver: It seems less like you just gave a damn and more like you just can't let him go
dumbgeneric: You're probably right.
I'm working on it.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1387424447 | 1387857548 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | HooksFourHands: TIFU by not paying my tuition on time
A month ago I posted about a shitty advising appointment. Well...things just got a lot worse. The university (at least, the student finances department) is threatening legal action against me. In which case I probably shouldn't be posting this anywhere on the internet, but I'm an idiot, so what the hell.
Long story short, my parents, dipshits that they are, promised to pay my tuition in full and never followed through. Excuse being that they don't want to waste their money (having no income, of course) on my sub-par education that I'm apparently getting nothing from. Cue shitty advising appointment, lack of plan for next semester, etc.
Last week I got a letter from student finances saying my bill was way overdue and that if I didn't pay by the date stated, they'd either refer me to a collections agency or take up a case in small claims court. It was postmarked a week earlier but only delivered that day, which I found out to be the fault of the post office. Called my dad, trying not to freak out. His solution was to come "visit" me and yell at somebody in the student finances office. I was not allowed to accompany him, as his affairs/finances/whatever are evidently none of my business.
Did a bunch of paperwork to get financial aid during finals week instead of studying for exams (caviat of this being I need all passing grades to receive aid). Finally got processed. Should be coming through tomorrow. Due date for payment already passed. I'm fucked. Called the office to see if they would waive the legal action part of things since I have money coming. Phone cut out, but not before I found out I'd be roughly $800 short. Called back several times. Finally got a hold of somebody who'd said they called another office and informed them of the situation and told me to send an e-mail d just so they'd have it in writing. Waiting on response. Practically shitting bricks.
So I may or may not get a court summons sometime soon. Merry fucking Christmas.
Advice?
TL;DR: My asshole parents are quite possibly the most unreliable and untrustworthy people on the face of the planet and I might be sent to court or have to file bankruptcy because of their dipshittery.
EDIT: The actual fuck-up here is that I believed them when they said they'd pay it. Sorry if that didn't come across. My brains are rather fried right now.
downslayer: It gets worse: bankruptcy doesn't do shit for student debt. There's no easy way out.
HooksFourHands: Well, fuck.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1387415873 | 1387432062 | null | t5_2to41 | 37 | deadpool007: TIFU by spraying aftershave on my just-shaven balls
Well, I'm taking my girlfriend out tonight, and so while I was taking a shower I decided to shave down there to get ready for activities later. I when I was done, I thought it would be a nice gesture to apply some scent down there when the time came, so I grabbed a bottle of aftershave that I thought smelled nice.
Needless to say, I.... I wasn't thinking.
After I sprayed it on, I felt pretty good about my brilliant idea. But then something... felt different. My balls started warming up in a pleasant way, like when a cloud moves away from the sun and let's its gentle warmth caress you.
This is when I realized the error of my ways.
Immediately, my balls were on fire. Burning with the heat of ten thousand suns. I was in agony, desperately trying to get hold of something. Anything.... to wipe away my mistake, but alas, nothing was within reach. With my testicles melting and screaming like the Wicked Witch of the West, I finally got hold of a towel, and hopelessly tried to clean the cursed liquid. Alas, too no avail. I sat in pain, stupidity, and humiliation before the Moruga Scorpion levels of ball-heat subsided.
tl;dr- if you do this, you're a stupid fuck
StarFscker: If this happens again, use Icy-Hot to sooth your poor ballsack.
ViolentThespian: Your username is a slap in the face.
StarFscker: What do you mean? I perform file-system checks for celebrities.
ViolentThespian: I've got to stop making assumptions....
Edit; goddammit...
| 5 | 7.4 | |
1387428962 | 1387505228 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | 4_my_throwaway: TIFU by wanking with my door open
About an hour ago, I went to bed and decided to spank it a bit. After I finish, I'm making sure my alarm is set, and I realize that my door is cracked just enough to be able to see through it. My parents' room is beside me, and they haven't gone to bed yet, so they probably frequented the hall a few times. This sucks.
Bigfrostynugs: You fucked up and this is entirely your fault.
I didn't even read your post, but I know I'm right.
4_my_throwaway: yeah :(
Bigfrostynugs: It's k. You'll learn from your mistakes.
Or not, I don't really know. Maybe you're thick.
worriedmtgdork: mmm thick guy jacking it in front of his rents
| 5 | 5 | |
1387446175 | 1387525386 | null | t5_2to41 | 70 | Taketheheat: Tifu by trying to do something special with my boyfriend
Tifu when I tried to make fried pizza dough. My boyfriend is leaving very early tomorrow morning for about 7 months and when he finished his last day of work tonight they gave him about 15 lbs of pizza dough for me to make fried pizza dough. More than I needed by far but whatever. Well he brought it home I prepped it and started to fry it. It started out perfectly fine but after I flipped it the oil started popping and just going nuts. My immediate reaction was to pick up the pan off the flame so I wouldn't set fire to the kitchen. I took off the lid to remove the dough and the oil popped up and down both arms I took the dough out and tried to clean off my arm. I now have second and first degrees up my left arm and first degree up my left and I'm severely allergic to burn creams. And the dough didn't even cook all the way through.
sage731: Mustard is a life saver. I get grease burns daily.
BasementTrix: I keep trying to tell people about mustard and burns. They always look at me like I'm speaking a foreign language -- until they try it.
sage731: I have worked in kitchens both fast-food when I was younger and I still work in higher scaled restaurants and this is something you learn quick in the food industry.
BasementTrix: That's where I got it, too. :-)
| 5 | 14 | |
1387457024 | 1387485941 | null | t5_2to41 | 36 | tugabros: TIFU by hiding my shitty grades from my father.
I knew he was going to find out eventually, and now it happened. When he confronted me about it, I had no counter-arguments whatsoever. Even though they said I had one year of college in which I could procrastinate, the fact that I didn't tell them about my grades just turned a mediocre situation into a shitty one. My mother doesn't know, but she might cut me some slack. I hope.
I'm so fucked.
Extrmcouchsurfer: Not only do you have shitty grades, now your dad thinks you have an integrity problem. Wait, did you say college? Who cares, you're a big kid now!
W1ULH: As long as the kids live with us my wife will ask them for their grades.
Extrmcouchsurfer: Oh man, that would be even worse then! I just figured they were out of the house. They sure as shit would be paying me rent by providing a good gpa!
W1ULH: They are getting the same deal my parents gave me. "you can keep living here free as long as you are in school and doing well. fail out or drop out and you will pay rent"
Extrmcouchsurfer: Wait, so you mean to tell me their main only job in life is get good grades in college? That is an amazing deal, screw the real world PhD here I come! On behalf of your kids I'd like to thank you.
W1ULH: haha not quite.
we dont give them money or pay their bills (cars, insurance, cell phone, etc.) if they want those things they need to have a part time job and earn the money themselves.
we just let them live here instead of paying for a dorm, when we are only 20 minutes from campus.
| 7 | 5.142857 | |
1387488194 | 1387526825 | null | t5_2to41 | 559 | pistashley_O: TIFU by telling a friend what really happened to her cat.
A close friend of mine's cat went missing back in high school. She, we'll call her Olivia, was completely devastated, as she lived out in the country and was afraid he'd been eaten or hurt. I tried to assure her everything was fine, maybe he was just living in the woods for a while or had been adopted by someone thinking he was a stray. It could happen, cats are like that.
Well, after he'd been gone for a few weeks, she had a Christmas party and invited maybe thirty people, several of whom had never been to her house before. As I'm driving over, down the dark curvy country road, I come to a stopped car with it's hazards on. I'm about to go around it when I recognize that it's another friend of mine, well say Rachel, standing in the road on the phone crying and waving me past. I stop, jump out of the car thinking she'd had a wreck and was hurt - and she tells me tearfully that she'd hit and killed a cat. And yep. It was Olivia's.
Thing is though, Rachel had never been to Olivia's house, and had never met her cat, and had no idea. I tried to comfort Rachel, helped calm her down, and she follows me there, asking me not to say anything for fear of bumming everyone out and ruining the night. So, I tucked that bit of info into my pocket where it sat for seven years, until last night. I decided, in my sixteen-year-old wisdom, that it would be easier for Olivia to continue thinking her cat had perhaps been adopted by someone and was alright somewhere - what would knowing the truth have done?
Since that time, we graduated, went to separate colleges and all but completely drifted apart. It wasn't until this past summer that we reconnected for the first time in ages, and I hadn't seen her since I believe July last. I've been very happy to be spending time with her again.
So last night the two of us meet up for drinks and a movie, and end up going to her place and proceed to get hella drunk. We start reminiscing, and she brings up her cat... and my stupid drunk self decided that she should know. It had been seven years, surely she could handle it now, right? Well, no. No she couldn't. She cried and cried, I mean *sobbing* for the remainder of the night, and I tried comforting her and apologized, I had no idea what to do. I was completely blindsided by her reaction. I feel like such an asshole. I don't know why on Earth I thought that was an appropriate time to say anything, or if I ever even should. I guess it had just been so long, and I've lost pets and was expecting her to feel the way that I would, ya know? I thought she'd grieved the loss already, I thought she surely by now knew something had happened. Maybe I should've told back when I was sixteen. Maybe I never should have even now. And I DEFINITELY should not have said that in the form of a drunken confession.
I ended up driving home out of guilt and shame at four AM. I could. not. feel worse.
:[
EDIT: let me clarify that it was before midnight when I told her, and I was sobered up by the time I drove this morning, to my Dads house, about a mile away.
[deleted]: OP, the biggest fuck up wasn't the cat. It was driving drunk.
pistashley_O: I agree, but I didn't really have much a choice as I was definitely not welcome. I'd have slept in my car but it was only about a mile to my Dad's house.
SwimmingNaked: Still a piss-poor excuse. Don't do it.
Muirlimgan: What would you rather he do? He said it had been 4 hours since his last drink. I don't think driving drunk is a smart idea, but you gotta do what you gotta do.
pistashley_O: Also, it's *her* which makes walking home a mile alone in the middle of the country a hell of a lot more dangerous.
Muirlimgan: Yeah true that
ThatCrankyGuy: No, not true, you morons. Grow up.
Country roads are notorious for having no dividing barriers. In your impairment you can easily misjudge the distance and slam head on into the coming car.
You want to wreck your god damned lives, go right ahead, but don't kill someone innocent on their way home to their family.
A mile may not seem like a long distance, but accidents aren't reserved for long drives, they can happen anywhere and at anytime.
You imbeciles.
Muirlimgan: I'm sure there's a fuck ton of people out at 4 AM
ThatCrankyGuy: Even one is enough to ruin lives, dick wad.
Muirlimgan: I doubt anybody would be out and about at 4 in the fucking morning on country roads, so fuck off you goddamn fucking shit smeared mongoloid.
| 11 | 50.818182 | |
1387494525 | 1387516210 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | Wooly_Booly: TIFU by coming out of the closet with two of my friends
Near the end of November I had ordered some things for Christmas and had them shipped to my grandmothers to prevent my family members from seeing what I had gotten them.
Fast forward a few weeks and she's having a Christmas party for people at the state house, her place of work, and for the future speaker of the house. There were also a lot of state reps, and people of high interest there who had brought their families, so we were told to act our best. After the party had started moving into the main room, we decided to go into one of the back room closets where the items I had ordered were put so they wouldn't get in the way of the party. Trying to keep it hidden from the rest of my family members, we went into the closet, closing the doors and locking them. (The inside of the closet has a lock inside of it.) Now, this is a fairly large closet, but it's packed pretty full with packaging for the holiday decor, so it's a bit cramped.
Unknown to the three of us, my grandmother had decided to give a tour to one of her friends who had yet to see her newer place. Eventually, they came to the locked closet and and tried open it, so my friend decided to open the door to the closet. My grandmother introduces her "grandson and his two friends" to the former president of a major east coast university.(Can I mention his name and the university?) It took us about a half hour to realize what had happened, and how extremely awkward and odd it seemed. He remembered our names, but I'm not sure if that's really something to be proud of.
**TL;DR** Me and my friends got caught in a locked closet messing with our packages.
moneyballshma: I read that completely wrong when I first saw the title, thought you came out to your friends or something along that line...
Im_Not_Korean: Yeah, that combined with OP not wanting anyone to see the presents confused me a little.
Wooly_Booly: They were christmas present for my family, and I didn't want to spoil the surprise.
| 4 | 7.75 | |
1387492349 | 1387499754 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting stoned and mistaking hydrogen peroxide contact cleaner for saline solution.
It was actually last night. But anyways, I had just completed a 9 hour drive from Montana to Washington for the holidays so i smoked a celebratory bowl. After a while, my mom wanted to take some family pictures but since my eyes were red i wanted to put in eye drops first. I'd forgotten mine, and my parents only had saline solution so i figured that was better than nothing. My mom said to look in her bathroom. After rooting around in her cabinets and finding nothing, i saw a big white bottle on the counter and laughed at how dumb i was for missing it earlier. Without looking at the label I grabbed it, tilted my head back, and squirted a good stream into my right eye. As SOON as the first drop hit it immediately started burning. You know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you know instantly that you just fucked up bad? I grabbed the bottle and that's when i noticed the warning signs all over it. My eye hurt worse than getting stood up on senior prom by your long time crush, I thought i'd permanently blinded my right eye. Asked my mom to find the saline solution so i could flush my eye with that and she grabbed it from the first cabinet I had looked in.
She laughed and said "I guess we aren't taking pictures tonight".
TLDR: Stoned. No eyedrops. Saline solution flush? Oops, not saline solution. Hydrogen peroxide contact cleaner. Self-pity.
AndeAlmighty: It could have been worse you know
TypicalFacts: *puts a drop of gasoline in eye*
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1387497791 | 1387612846 | null | t5_2to41 | 757 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving death farts in my car and forgetting about it
Last night I made Chili and it was the bomb! Unfortunately, late last night and this morning the chili was having it's revenge on me in the form of stinky farts. You know, those farts that are basically the smelliest farts you make, not the typical cute lil' toot that is only mildly unpleasant.
On my drive to school I was shootin' out toots left and right and complimenting myself on how badly they smelled. I parked, and went into the building.
After I took care of my business I (surprisingly) ran into an old friend I had always had a crush on. She is super pretty and we always got along in high school, but never hung out. She mentioned that her car was on the other side of campus and that it was cold out.
Obviously I offered her a ride, and was excited and thinking maybe I could ask her on a date or something, or maybe to hang out.
We sat in the car and she immediately let out a "woah" without trying to be rude. It was instinct reacting. The farts had hibernated in my car and came back full force. It smelled like the air was 50% Sulfur Dioxide.
I opened the windows and awkwardly drove her to her car. It was pretty obvious we both knew what was up and I think it was definitely a turn off for her. ah well, lesson learned.
**TL;DR**-
I ate some homemade chili that made my tummy silly so I proceeded to fart in my car.
I ran into my crush, and I admit that I did blush when she told me she was walking very far.
I offered her a lift, but when my car, she did sniff, in her head she was thinking au revoir.
So we drove there in silence while I cursed my awful diet; guess it's time that I go hit the salad bar.
Ken-the-pilot: I giggled for a solid 5 minutes at this.
But don't get discouraged OP, that sort of thing is something that if you end up trying to talk to this girl and it works, will make for a hilarious story later on you guys can laugh over.
Just gotta get that second shot.
HeIsntMe: Remember - girls fart too.
AppleMeow: Lies. You're telling LIES.
BrashKetchum: Here's a fire extinguisher for your trousers.
HeIsntMe: Los pantalones enfuego!
IcePhoenix18: No mas pantalones.
| 7 | 108.142857 | |
1387500741 | 1387511343 | null | t5_2to41 | 71 | [deleted]: TIFU By Panicking Enough to Shit Myself
Dear Reddit,
Let me preface this by saying I have my bowel movements on schedule to the SECOND.
I am like a machine with my craps, and I go to the bathroom at 3:25 every day.
Nothing has ever gone wrong. Right now i don't drive yet, so my mom picks me up after track(Sophmore;I know I'm a little boy). Usually, mi madre picks me up at 3:10, we get home at like 3:20 and I drop a beautiful little nugget. So the other day, I'm talking to my homie mc homester and I look at my phone and realize, "Whoah it is 4:25"
>Call mom:
"Hey mom are you coming?"
"OH IM SO SORRY I WAS ON A BUSINESS CALL IM GOING RIGHT NOW"
"K cool"
wait.
I realize i gotta go BAD. There is seriously a post-mexican food sized nuke building up inside me, and it will destroy me any minute.
Of course stupid me decides ill hold it.
My mom finally gets here at ~4:35 (10 minutes after my usual movement) and says, "I gotta drop you off a few blocks away and turn around because I'm gonna be late to work."
K cool I can survive this. Mother drops me off, I start walking home, everything's going good. Then, the chaos ensues. There's a girl that bikes home every day and I see her pass by, but this time I wave and she waves back and CRASHES into the curb. Now I'm getting anxious, have to help her up, blood pressure rises, intestines clench. Not good at all.
I'm a block away from home, and it hits me. I am not going to make it. This is not happening right now, there's no way I'm going to shit myself outside of my house. IT WILL NOT HAPPEN
I get to the house, and all the doors are locked, so I go look for the spare key, which takes me what seemed like ages to find. I finally find it, and go to the front door, and insert the key:
Turn it to the left
doesn't work
jiggle it
nope
Cue complete mental breakdown/anxiety attack. I can not handle the stress of having to go real bad and trying to open a door. I try for a few moments, then I can't handle it, and I almost shit myself. I then clench and make a split second decision to just go right in the front of my house in the little garden area.
So the pants drop, I don't care if anyone sees me. I just go in plain site, and it was AMAZING. Honestly best bowel movement I've ever had.
I then call my dad and ask him how to open the door (cuz remember, I'm an idiot) And he says you have to pull on the door and turn to the RIGHT.
So the door comes open smoothly, and I immediately take a shower, and then clean up my excrements. Then I go to put the spare key away, and notice that THE SIDE DOOR TO MY HOUSE IS UNLOCKED.
Reddit, today I fucked up
TL;DR Stress levels were too high for my colon to handle, and I dropped the pants in plain site.
lostdeceiver: > I wave and she waves back and CRASHES into the curb.
Nice.
SoyPopo: *smoooooooooooooooth* ^^^^Just ^^^^Kidding
| 3 | 23.666667 | |
1387507963 | 1387538774 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | gentleman_horse: TIFU by shaving pubic hair
I'm a silly teenager, and although I have no reason to shave my pubic hair, today I decided I would do it just to see what it's like. Only after I finished shaving, I remembered I have a physical during Christmas break. During my physical, my doctor will look at my dick and every thing else. I think it will be very awkward. Does anybody know how to make hair grow back faster, so it at least looks like I just have short hair?
TLDR: I'm a teenager, I shaved my pubes, then remembered I have a physical soon.
le_mous: Your doctor has seen worse. It's really not that odd. You're gonna be ok.
gentleman_horse: Thank's, that's helpful. Again, as a teenager, I tend to get very stressed about everything.
Millgasm: I've done many physicals on teenagers/adolescents or what have you. It's not an issue AT ALL. Honestly, its like when you see graffiti on a stop sign, you just see it but its not anything you give a shit about!
Soccadude123: This guys given plenty of physicals to kids in his basement.
| 5 | 4 | |
1387513991 | 1387567707 | null | t5_2to41 | 428 | Mac10NJ: TIFU by cashing a check for a good friend
So a friend of mine since kindergarten has fallen on some rough times and asked me to cash a check for him, but the bank was closed so I had to deposit it and give it to him. The money went through; but then the next day someone put a stop payment on that check. I'm down 400 dollars and he disappeared into the great beyond. He's not at the motel he was staying at, and deactivated his phone. I know I'm stupid for giving him the cash before the check went through all the way, but it posted as "cleared" not just "available." I'm only 20, so 400 dollars was my entire Christmas budget and now I'm royally screwed.
throughactions: Call the cops, that check fraud.
TheFunkyJudge: I can't imagine OP wants to call the cops on an old friend over this, at least not yet.
Mac10NJ: I'm not gonna press charges. He needs help, rehab. Not to be punished. He'll never learn because his whole life is a punishment. I am filing a police report to cover my own ass in case that check fraud case comes back to haunt me. I'm gonna be the bigger man here. He can have my 400 dollars, now me and all my boys know he's a scumbag
Morbas: There's a saying I like, "if you give money to a friend and they drop off on you, they weren't a friend and it was money well spent to be rid of them.
erureejr: A Bronx Tale? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hAuSTQUa3tM
Morbas: Don't know where it's from originally, my dad loaned a friend two grand for a car, friend dropped out of his life. I asked him if he was upset and he gave me that response.
erureejr: I'm not sure either but that's where I first heard it hahaha
| 8 | 53.5 | |
1387523321 | 1387539847 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | AHandsomeBlackMan: TIFU by shitting my pants.
-My_Other_Account-: Reset the counter...
Soccadude123: I thought it was a clock now.
-My_Other_Account-: I took a month long hiatus from reddit...I'm obviously behind the times.
| 4 | 1 | |
1387517973 | 1388218520 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | Calexos: TIFU by missing my final
Apperantly the final I thought was happening tomorrow was on tuesday. And it was for one of the classes I was actually doing well in this semester. And I need to pass it for my major.
[deleted]: This hasn't happened to me but shortly after I graduated I kept having dreams, or maybe nightmares, where I would always wake up late for my last final; and when I finally did make it an hour late, I did so wearing a shirt and only my underwear.
I recall having this dream several times over the two months after I graduated. I no longer have them but I just found it weird as fuck.
baubaugo: I'm sorry, but if you are like me, this will happen to you the rest of your life.
pnoozi: Is that literally PTSD?
| 4 | 8.25 | |
1387522980 | 1387785992 | null | t5_2to41 | 345 | tikael: TIFU by teasing my fiancee in the shower.
I was taking a shower after getting home from work and I heard my fiancee walking into the bathroom. She got in between the shower curtain and the liner and we were talking when I decided to splash water at her face. It hit the liner and she jumped back a bit. She started laughing and I decided to turn the shower nozzle toward the liner. As I grabbed the shower head and turned it I felt a pop and the shower head came flying off, propelled by my hand, gravity, and water pressure... right at my fiancee's face. So now she has a headache and I have a shower head to replace.
s015473: well...bad luck i guesss?
MissJacki: It hurt pretty bad. I was just standing there and this big metal thing came flying at my head. I have a small mark on my forehead from where it hit me. Wasn't his fault though, it definitely was bad luck.
mcdick69: No sexy times for him tonight
MissJacki: Soon, but not tonight.
Sorry babe, *I have a headache.*
mabvs: I have to say.. good for you two knowing each others reddit idents. If my SO knew my Reddit... it would be bad.
tikael: That's what alts are for.
Bassskilla: Can't tell if mistake, or **big** mistake.
| 8 | 43.125 | |
1387559785 | 1387625712 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,698 | CloudRunnerRed: TIFU by letting my GF cousin live with us.
My girlfriend's cousin had just moved to the city and needed a place to live. He was trying to get away from his abusive parents and out of a bad life to get a fresh start. MY GF said it would be ok for him to stay with us until he could get onto his feet.
He lived with us for about two months, in that time he got a job he was paying us rent, covered his own food and bills, found a Girlfriend for himself and was really getting his life together.
Everything was good until I came home from work. The front door to our apartment was unlock and open slightly which as odd. We stepped into the apartment and there were a bunch of shoes that we didn't recognize. I called out to see if anyone was there and there was no response so I walked into my living room and noticed that we had been robbed.
They had stolen between $5000.000 to $10000.00 worth of stuff. We immediately called the police. In the 4 hours it took for them to show up we searched the house trying to take account of everything they had taken. We quickly discovered a bag in the middle of the room that was filled with needles, There was a pop can filled with cigarette ash and butts (we don't smoke). As mentioned before they had left behind pairs of shoes (but don't take any of our shoes). Mostly they just stole electronics, movies, video games, and small things.
We tried to get a hold of my GF cousin to make sure he was ok. We could not get a hold of him on his cell phone, when we called we got a message it had been disconnected. We checked the voice mail on hour home phone and found a voice mail form his dad letting him know that he had bought him a bus ticket home for that day. We quickly called his work and found out that he had skipped his last shift. At this point we were starting to believe that he had been the one to rob us.
We decided to go onto his Facebook, we looked through the friends that he had in the city, sure enough some of the shoes that were left behind matched the shoes that his friends were wearing in the photos. The bag left even match one his female friend had carried around. When the police finally showed up we gave point out all the strange things left behind in our apartment, we showed them the photo we found on face book. I gave them the serial numbers to my electronics, and told them what we think had happened.
TL/DR - My girlfriend's cousin was staying with us, one day he left the province without a word. That same day we were robbed. The robbers left behind shoes, pop cans, smokes, a bags, and needles. We were able to make some the stuff left behind to some of his friends
Edit* correcting "girlfriend's cousin"
Colbey_uk: Remember reading something along the lines of this in another TIFU thread - You didn't fuck up, you got fucked over. Hope insurance/police/family etc manage to do something for you.
CloudRunnerRed: Never bothered to get content insurance :(. though that could be TIFU all on its own.
kroneksix: Why wouldnt you!? 10k stolen is a legit claim
CloudRunnerRed: I didn't have insurance before being robbed so I can't make a claim. The best I can do is file a police report hope they charge some one get my stuff back or sue for damages.
kroneksix: :( I hope you have it now! My homeowners insurance is like 50$ a month with my dive gear (a lot of it) insured at replacement value.
ODBrunizz: That is a lot...most people don't have that type of equipment. I'd shop around just to be sure, but I know scheduled items can add quite a bit. It averages between $100-300/year in most cases without any special items so it's worth looking at.
kroneksix: Its about 20k+ of dive gear so thats a bit of a plop there haha. Since its replacement value I can go out and buy similar/same and they cover all of it, I'm sure that is why my it is so higher. Its also homeowners, not renters insurance. My old renters insurance was like 15$ a month for the same gear coverage.
ODBrunizz: That makes a huge difference. Homeowners at around $600 with scheduled items is a solid deal. Diving is an expensive hobby apparently! Better to get the best equipment than shitty stuff though I'd imagine?!
kroneksix: Buy nice or spend twice is the way a lot of people talk about it. For the most part gear all meets a minimum standard and will do the job. But cold water and more advanced diving needs to be costly lol
| 10 | 169.8 | |
1387537291 | 1387705160 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | shootupyourschool: TIFU by letting my wife cut my hair whilst drunk
I don't like getting my hair cut. I hate the awkward conversations you have to hold with them starting into your own reflection. Anyway, a bottle of Jack into the evening I decide to let her cut my shaggy hair. All was going well with the scissors and then it was time to even it out with the clippers. set to about 2cm she begins to tidy it up. The guard fell off. The sheer terror in her eyes before I realised what happened was horrifying. I looked in the mirror and had a reverse mohawk. I didn't know what to do so continued to shave the rest. I am totally bald and shiny now. I also have to go to work... as my role of an executive. I look awful and I'm super unhappy about it.
tldr: I love my wife.
Mkep: How long have you two been together?
shootupyourschool: I dunno, a year? Why?
| 3 | 10.666667 | |
1387575627 | 1387696235 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | fuck_you_im_high: TIFU by hiding my weed in the wrong spot
Backstory: So I am 15 and live with my parents and 5 yr old brother. My mom is very strict but my dad on the other hand is the chillest.
But anyway, I had just gotten some weed from my dealer( he lives right up the street so i can easily walk there.) So when I get home Im sitting in my room looking at the reef when all of a sudden i hear my sliding glass door open downstairs which means my parents are home from picking up my bro from elementary school(his school is right behind my backyard fence so they just walk there and back to pick him up.) Anyway the weed was still sitting on my desk so I quickly grabbed it and threw it into a "Land Before Time" cassette case. I though this was a good spot, WRONG! Later when I got out of the shower i saw my light in my bedroom was on so I ran in to investigate only to find my whole box of old childhood memories was gone so I ran downstairs to find my brother watching "Land Before Time" and the weed sitting on the counter with my parents sitting at the counter saying, "I think we need to talk." My mom then proceeded to take me to the police station to talk to an officer. So we got in the station and my mom went up to the counter and asked for a officer, five minutes passed and a cop came out and waved us back to one of those creepy-ass interrogation rooms.( Meanwhile we were walking back I got at least a good 10 second stare from every cop in the damn office.) So we go back there and he spills the same mumbo jumbo I've been hearing for 7 years. And he ends off with "Weed is just like heroin so don't do it."(Wtf no bro... no) and so me and my madre left the police station and headed back to the abode were then the 2 hour yelling fest started which led to me being grounded for 2 months( no phone, no play station, and no leaving the house!) and the worst is I cant even go to our schools big basketball games which are huge where I live. I feel like I lost my moms trust and I don't know what to do so please help. Its already been a day since I got caught.
edit: my dad didn't care, he has already told me he toked when he was my age, all he did was just say don't do it again and got up from the counter and walked away.
TL/DR- Don't hide weed in your cassette tapes when you have a younging living with you.
whambola: It sucks...it does suck. It happened to me around 15 too.
But you're a kid and they're your parents. Even if it was fully legal worldwide, it'd still be against the law for *you* for another 3 years. You don't know the level of "grounded" that your parents would likely be if it ever came to light that they knew you had a dimebag or whatever and were cool about it, however unlikely that scenario may be.
Shit. There's a good chance that by the time you turn 18/21, there will be a store up the street from you where you can go any time, never get shorted, have a decent variety to choose from and a person behind the counter who should be able to answer any questions you might have. If you can hold out for these few years, you'll eventually have a much more positive relationship with cannabis than we've been having, having had to rely mostly on "guys we know" to sell us the sacred herb and unfortunately sometimes these people can have great shit but be unreliable/never on time/short you/hang around too long/etc.
You also just shouldn't be hiding YOUR shit in your little bro's stuff. It seems like he was the one who physically found it, that's really not cool.
fuck_you_im_high: Good points.. But I wasn't hiding it in my brothers stuff, it was my box of old videos I keep in my room. He went in to my room and took the movie. The reason I put it in the case was because it was the closest thin to me. I hope Cannabis does become legal because I know this sounds dumb but I use it in somewhat of a medical way. I got severe migraines about 5 or 6 times a week and my doctor did nothing about it all she did was give me glasses, that i don't wear. once i started smoking my migraines went to about once a week if that. I feel if i "quit" then the migraines will come back.
fenney: > all she did was give me glasses, that i don't wear.
I might have worked out why they're not working for you.
Dustorn: "But doctor, I have them sitting on my night stand all day! They still don't do anything!"
As someone who may as well be legally blind and gets the most brutal of headaches by not wearing my glasses, I suggest actually wearing them. The relief will be sublime - plus, you won't get viciously murdered by your mother, so there's that.
Not to say I agree with the stigma against weed - it is less harmful than tobacco or alcohol, so should it *really* be illegal? Nah.
| 5 | 5.6 | |
1387578265 | 1387622875 | null | t5_2to41 | 30 | rabidhamster87: TIFU by leaving my keys in my apartment door...
This actually happened 3 weeks ago, but still was a pretty big fuck up! Someone found the keys, got in my car, and wrecked it into a tree. They stole my TomTom GPS, ipod touch, an old Windows Mobile phone, my gym bag, $6, a couple textbooks, and a sweatshirt that my dad had brought back for me from Chicago. The worst part is that the car is totaled, so now I don't know what I'm going to do about transportation for work and school. They could've just robbed me and left the car alone... Merry Christmas, right?
sexyclowns: That really sucks. Did you call the cops? What about insurance? Did the douchenozzle who did this get in your apartment too?
I mean, yeah, you kinda fucked up by leaving the keys there, but you really got fucked over by whoever did this.
rabidhamster87: Yeah. I called the police as soon as I realized it was missing. Very surreal to look outside and not have my car be where I left it! They had already found it abandoned at the crash site. The police held my car in the impound lot for 2 weeks since it was "involved in a hit and run." (On the tree...) It was a pita since I wasn't able to go get anything out of the car or find out what they took since it was "under investigation" during that whole period. Unfortunately, they didn't catch the person but they did dust for prints so there's a small hope!
They didn't come in my apartment which I guess is a good thing since I was in there, but my TV and laptop together are still worth less than my car, so unless they tried to make off with my furniture I would've been better off losing the TV and laptop!
TheMaguffin: What about the insurance, you should be covered either by collision coverage or uninsured motorist. You may have to pay a deductible but that's better then buying a whole new car.
rabidhamster87: The insurance is only going to pay about $1500 after the deductible. Better than nothing, but hardly enough to get a new car unless I want a clunker.
| 5 | 6 | |
1387555868 | 1387589376 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | michellexkarma: TIFU: by Using Orajel
No throwaways because hell I dont care if my friends see this! Techinically this was last night to late this morning.
So lets just get down to it shall we?
I have a wicked broken tooth in my mouth, I mean it is cracked right in half, exposed nerves and all that fun stuff. Why don't I get it fixed? Well I do not have a job with benefits to cover that, yet! Now moving on.
Last night after many hours spent watching the fiance' play some Final Fantasy, we wanted some sexy times. Now let me add, just before he decided it was "go time" I had a horrid toothache and I needed to use my orajel: here comes the fuck up. I'm doing my thing, making him all happy and I just decide "ah hell with it michellexkarma, hes had his now it is time for yours" so I climb on top and after a few moments of thrusting I feel a strange tingling below. I shrug it off and do my thing but, the "sensation" is getting stronger, like someone is fucking me with an icicle. Finally after a few moments it's almost completely unbearable, so I stop and tell him there is an intense burning like issue in the nether-regions . Then it hits me. The god damn orajel. So, I had to sit on the floor and let my "area" settle and ended up not getting a good night of fun.
TL;DR having sexy times with fiance, felt like a peen made of ice was penetrating me. Edit: Apparently I don't know how to write >.x
afcagroo: You transferred the Oragel from your mouth to his dick....and he didn't notice?
michellexkarma: He has very limited... feeling down there. Its a challenge to even get him to feel me bite >.<
Im sure you cringed when you read that lol please don't think I just go around chomping down on dicks lol just play bites I swear lol
Cheesewithmold: ok lol I don't think that's weird lol
michellexkarma: I'm glad for that lol
| 5 | 6.6 | |
1387577112 | 1387628624 | null | t5_2to41 | 71 | wharawhara: TIFU by shitting vertically
This just happened and I need to get it out of my system. Sadly, shit is not something I tend to talk with my friends and I do not feel very proud of it.
I had a huge double hamburger with french fries and a beer for dinner (screw you stomach! I'm on winter break), pretty good stuff. But eating that much made me want to shit really bad (it's a 'thing', I always shit after eating a lot for dinner), so, like any other normal day I just went to the bathroom. All looks good, nothing out of the ordinary, I'm alone at home, I have tons of toilet paper and not a worry in the world.
All went pretty well, wasn't the best shit I had in my life, but I gotta tell you, I still feel refreshed from it.
I finish my business, clean myself and when I flush the toilet the water pressure is quite low for some reason and doesn't take all the load. Rather, it just makes it dance all over the place for a while... I wait the tank to fill and try again. Most of the shit leaves, but there's this one motherfucker who, somehow, got stuck *vertically* in the toilet. It looks like a shitty greek pillar holding the toilet together.
Jesuschrist, I've flushed 5 times and the fucking piece of shit won't leave. I'm hoping water will make it softer so the next flush will make it go away... If not, god knows what I'm going to do, I don't have a pump (and I don't think it fit this particular kind of toilet), and getting close to shit makes me puke. Ugh...
Anyway, not the greatest story but I needed to share my first world problems with someone.
**TL;DR** A shit pillar is stuck in my toilet in the weirdest way I can think of.
UncleDirtbag: Try and saw it in half with your pee stream
wharawhara: That would've work, I guess, if I flushed at the same time... A risky plan, though, because between all the pee, toilet water and shit, I'm pretty sure the effect would've been... 'scattering'.
Thankfully didn't came to this.
Nozphexezora: >That would've work, I guess
Yeah. Maybe if you piss out sulfuric acid.
| 4 | 17.75 | |
1387573842 | 1387756809 | null | t5_2to41 | 58 | [deleted]: TIFU by scaring away a gorgeous French woman by making her worry about exposing herself to a minor
This just happened to me and I'm so embarrassed but I just had to share it.
I was browsing Omegle (been a crazy Friday night) and I came across a gorgeous French woman. I mean 9/10 hot, I could only see half her face but her smile was stunning, bright red lips and all, gorgeous body. I'm a young looking early 20s and she was the same age but thought at first I was around 17, but she believed me and I went for a charm offensive. We chatted for a while and it worked and she said I was cute so I asked to see the rest of her face. She said no but I could anything else I wanted.
Oh shit.
I got excited.
Still wanted to stay polite.
Gave a shitty vague response like anything or everything.
Long response from her.
Still waiting.
"Ergh I hate people who can't make a decision, i don't wanna get in trouble for stripping for a minor"
Disconnected. I went so red. The next person came on automatically and asked if i was crying. I wanted to.
tl;dr seconds from poon, ended up being consoled by a mustached topless indian man
GoorillaInTheRing: **Good Guy Indian Man**
Goes on Omegle for boobs and fapping
Ends up consoling you when he sees you crying.
JakMjk: Where is this meme? That gave me a good laugh.
GoorillaInTheRing: Oh, I made it. :)
JakMjk: I know. I'm waiting to see it on the front page.
| 5 | 11.6 | |
1387579802 | 1387857425 | null | t5_2to41 | 70 | HooksFourHands: TIFU by not cleaning my apartment
To complete the trifecta of disaster that has befallen me this past month, I got an eviction notice.
The day after finals ended, the management company that owns my apartment came around that morning to change the batteries in the smoke detectors in all the apartments. They're supposed to give 24 hours notice before entering the apartments but are pretty bad about it--sometimes they only put a notice up the morning they start maintenance.
Anyway, it was about 9 am and my boyfriend and I had slept through the alarm we had mistakenly left set, which had been going off for about two hours at that point. We were woken up by someone pounding on the door. He bolted out of bed and asked who it was. Some guy answered and said he was there to change the batteries in the smoke detector.
Here's the problem: we had just gotten done with an insane round of finals, and had spent the past three weeks or so writing papers and studying and doing paperwork, with little time for anything else. Needless to say, we'd been a bit lax with cleaning and our apartment was littered with dirty coffee mugs, plates, pizza boxes, papers, various other detritus, and about a month's worth of dirty laundry.
BF asked the guy if he could come back in a few minutes. He said he had to do all the apartments in order, but that he would wait. It ended up taking twenty minutes for us to get everything into garbage bags and hampers and hidden away. We finally let the guy in, it takes about thirty seconds to change the battery, and then he's gone.
Cut to ten minutes later. Somebody pound on the door and screams "Management! I need to talk to you!" Obviously we have no choice but to open the door. Let it be known that this company owns half the property in town, most of the student housing, and is pretty spectacularly unreasonable. The bitch from the management office was standing there, and wanted to know what had happened with the smoke detector thing, talking down to us, generally being bitchy and unreasonable, and going on about how we should be "concerned for our own safety", apparent fire hazards, and other bullshit, and that due to our history (we were a few days late on rent payment this semester) and the state of our apartment (at that point it was down to three laundry baskets in the living room) they would have to evict us. We have four days (this happened yesterday) to get this place in a "rentable" condition since they'll never let us re-sign, or we're out.
The problem isn't that the place is dirty, it's that two people are living in a place meant for one person, and that we have pretty much all we own in this apartment. With one closet.
Looks like I'll be homeless on Christmas Eve.
TL;DR: Didn't clean my apartment for about a month prior to finals, got pretty bad. Unexpected wake-up call from the management the morning after finals ended to do maintenance, place was chaos. Got eviction notice and will be out on my ass if I don't get this place spotless in four days.
EDIT: I say "bitch from the management office" because she's been trying to find a reason to have us kicked out for about three months now.
EDIT (II): Got eviction notice in mail yesterday and had to sign for it. Definitely fucked.
swordfishtrombonez: Where do you live? Where I live (Ontario Canada) you get 2 months' advanced notice when they evict you/. Google what the laws are where you are, it doesn't seem reasonable that they can evict you with like 4 days notice. Or look for tenant associations in your area
rmbarrett: I concur. If you live in any civilized place, there are several things that could be wrong with what happened. Notification of 24 hours was probably needed. The maintenence person has no business sharing anything that is not permanent damage to the apartment. Late payments should result in a written letter of warning, and should have no subjective role in leading to eviction. And in most places you need lots of warning.
Yes, do Google the local laws, but one of them was bound to have been broken. Also, call the building owners. Supers and property managers act on their behalf.
HooksFourHands: The problem with that is the people who manage the place ARE the owners. They own half the property in town and charge a fuckload of money for their shitty apartments which are falling apart. I'm sure there's something illegal going on here, but they're slumlords, so what do they care?
rmbarrett: Where are you?
HooksFourHands: Shitty College Town, USA
rmbarrett: Alright. I was going to try to help. At least need to know the state.
HooksFourHands: Wisconsin
JoatMasterofNun: Wisconsin is 30 days after you've formally recognized (i.e. signed) notice. I don't think I've ever been in a state (I've lived in about 9) that had less than 30 days.
Also, what are they evicting you for. Should be spelled out in your lease.
I've lived in multiple places from Kenosha to Milwaukee to Madison.... now I live in a quiet little town.
If you need a place to stay you're more than welcome to spend Christmas here! Then I won't be alone!
HooksFourHands: Evicting us for "not keeping apartment in rentable condition." We had a bunch of crap all over the living room that we hadn't cleaned due to it being finals week. This happened the morning after my last final. Maintenance guy told the management office, who have been keeping tabs on us ever since we moved in.
I recently found out that the one who is running the place now is related to the guy who started the business, and has been looking to evict us ever since we moved in, reasons ranging from stupid to unspecified.
JoatMasterofNun: "Rentable Condition" sounds like a very loose term. If not further defined on your lease I'd demand specifics. As long as the walls exist, the place isn't infested or covered in fecal matter, I'd say they'd be hard pressed to prove two peoples worth of dirty clothes and a bit of trash in such a small place makes it violate that clause.
HooksFourHands: Indeed it is a loose term. But they're looking to find any reason to have us out of here, reason unknown. Because they're dicks, I guess.
JoatMasterofNun: That's people everywhere. Beat em or suck em.
| 13 | 5.384615 | |
1387602535 | 1387695354 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | PM_ME_YOUR_COCK_BOY: TIFU by shooting up for the first time.
I have never used a needle for drugs although I am a pretty experienced opiate abuser. I usually just plug everything but the dilaudid I got a bunch of wasn't doing a damn thing swallowed, plugged, or snorted and I was getting frustrated. I actually out of nowhere decided to go to a needle exchange, pick up all the gear, and stab myself a bunch of times before finally finding a vein. It was fucking incredible.
Now I think I'm really fucked. I'm freaking out.
IntergalacticHobo: Well, did you at least get high?
PM_ME_YOUR_COCK_BOY: It was incredible. That's why I'm fucked.
DeliciousPumpkinPie: Rehab, chum. At least you realize you're fucked. Go get help before you *actually* get fucked. You'll thank yourself later when you're leading a normal life and you realize you could have been lying in someone's filthy basement 50 pounds lighter and so fucked up on junk you couldn't even light your cigarette.
| 4 | 1 | |
1387609905 | 1387681050 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,290 | WyattDerpp: TIFU by saying "fuck you" to an infant in front of its mother.
I was on a plane, and had been up for 26 hours, was slightly drunk, and pissed at my awful travel experience thus far. I was on a plane from Heathrow to Frankfurt (original departure IAD in Washington, DC.) A crying, screaming infant looked over and puked on me. I muttered "oh fuck YOU." The woman's jaw dropped. She called the flight attendant and complained. The woman moved me to a middle seat between two big fat people. The whole flight gave me dirty looks for the rest of the trip. Whoops.
EDIT: "to" to "two." fuck you.
Mamagi: Jesus, I have a child who is my absolute life but if she was sick on someone as a baby I would be paying their dry cleaning bill and buying them a drink at least. I wouldn't be thrilled at the language, but I have been known to think the same thing when I've been projectiled on just as I am leaving the door. You should have said sorry for swearing but the mother should have been waaaaaaay more apologetic as a vomit veteran.
Nozphexezora: >You should have said sorry for swearing but the mother should have been waaaaaaay more apologetic as a vomit veteran.
Oh fuck that! Anybody who complains over that shit deserves to get a stern warning, or a hatchet to the face.
chopstewey: Are you suggesting that the language need not be apologized for, or that it's totally cool if babies puke on random strangers? Post not clear.
Nozphexezora: It was a fucking joke. Jesus christ.
chopstewey: That's why I was asking, guy. Thought you might want to clarify. Don't be upset, I didn't take away any of your Internet points.
Nozphexezora: >That's why I was asking, guy.
I was referring to the woman as being rude. Swearing after being vomited on is just a natural response. Shit happens.
> I didn't take away any of your Internet points.
Give me a fucking break. I don't care about my karma buildup. But when I get **63** downvotes for something that was obviously a casual joke, it makes me wonder why I even bother opening my mouth. Because it seems like every time I comment, especially on this subreddit, people jump down my throat and treat me like shit because they blatantly misinterpreted what I said as something insulting and discriminatory.
21motherfuckers: you poor thing
Nozphexezora: See, why do you have to mock me? Can't you just treat me with some dignity?
21motherfuckers: because you sound like a baby, so i respond to you as a baby, dignity must be presented before anyone will reciprocate
Nozphexezora: Miss'r. Miss'r. Please no es' bully poor Caaathia...
<Purrs>
21motherfuckers: you poor thing
Nozphexezora: <purring intensifies>
| 13 | 99.230769 | |
1387606628 | 1387763781 | null | t5_2to41 | 38 | blithen: TIFU by rolling up my window.
So there I am, at my local fast food chain(Zips if anyone knows it). And I try to roll down my crank window, and it goes down pretty rough, but I get it down and go through the motions of getting my food. I'm then starting to roll the window up when it gets stuck, so I figure just push it a little hard right? Well BOOM the whole fucking thing shatters while I'm driving down the road. In the middle of winter in washington. :|
The kicker? I didn't even go to zips for myself. I went to get a burger for my brother...
SuggestiveMaterial: Awh.... I'm sorry dude... Where at in Washington?
blithen: Spokane!
SuggestiveMaterial: I'm in Moscow. Sorry to hear about the window, esp since it's been so cold up there. Bundle up!
blithen: Haha, no worries. It SHOULD be fixed monday and everything installed and good to go only 160 so. It's only money right? ;) Cheers.
| 5 | 7.6 | |
1387611676 | 1387724565 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | youwerewarned: TIFU by letting my male best friend see my nude photos.
Okay, a bit of backstory to my reason behind the nude shots. I have lost ~60 pounds this year, and I take progress pics. Naked. Today after the gym, I remembered I had been working my back for about a month now, and I decided I should compare my back from a month ago to current. This includes my whole backside. Now, I usually store my photos like that in a locked photo app, but I was in a rush to get to work, so I completely forgot about that, and the photos were left in my camera roll. Well, fast forward about 5 hours.
I'm at work, and my male friend comes by to see me (yes, I'm female). I have a passcode on my phone, and he obviously knows it, and when I left my phone laying out, he took it. I always warned him half-heartedly that he better proceed with caution into my photos because he may see me naked. Tonight he found out the hard way that I'm honestly open. I took my phone back when I saw he had it, and I had known by the the way he looked at me that he had seen the photos. They weren't "posed" nudes, so they weren't exactly "attractive" or "sexy", and in one I was about 4 pounds of fat heavier, so I was feeling a little uncomfortable.
I feel like now that's all he's going to think about when we are together, or that he thinks less of me because of it (they were not attractive at all, and I feel so exposed). He knew I was feeling uncomfortable about it, and he tried to console me by saying he won't tell anyone.
I still feel awkward, and I'm cursing the past me for not deleting the photos. I feel like there's tension. I don't know if this qualifies as a "TIFU", but it definitely felt like it to me.
youruglyside: Post the photos and we'll tell you what he's thinking.
Tulabean: Aaaah; I see what you're doing there.
mugen_is_here: Aaah; I see what you're eating there.
(Karma train).
Tulabean: Wow....I so don't get what you are on about.....
mugen_is_here: It's a karma train. I've seen stuff like this here on reddit. It starts with someone making a one line comment, like you say "Aaaah; I see what you're doing there."
Then the next person just modifies one word and replies. It doesnt have to make sense. And it goes on. So it would look something like this:
> Aaaah; I see what you're doing there.
>> Aaaah; I see what you're eating there.
>>> Aaaah; I see what you're reading there.
>>>> Aaaah; I do what you're seeing there.
>>>>> Aaaah; I eat what you're doing there.
>>>>>> Aaaah; I don't see what you're doing there.
Then pretty soon it starts sounding funnier as diff ppl add variety and you all start getting upvotes, hence the name "karma train".
Tulabean: Oh wow; I've never seen that. Then again I don't comprehend nor really care about karma....so I got that going for me, which is nice :)
| 7 | 5.714286 | |
1387615521 | 1387641189 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU Ordered some gifts for family online, Fuck.. Ruined christmas.
I spent a lot of money and it's a tradition in my family to ~~give gifts to each~~ spend lots on gifts for each other. I spent over $1000 and everything got canceled. UPS got my address wrong so I called in to fix it, they also decided to correct my phone number to the number I called from (google voice). So they call it and apparently they were told to send all the stuff back because they never ordered it. Now when would that make any sense? Then they do, I call back they tell me to contact my retailer it's out of their reach now. I do, they say it'll take 8-10 days before they can receive it and send it back and they wont do shit even know It'll miss christmas. Now I look like the asshole who skipped out on christmas.
TLDR: UPS is a faggot. Sends my shit away on ground shipping. No christmas for me. :c
Jf5ve: Ah that really bites, I know how you feel though, well in a sense. My gifts were ordered online for me, and the package was supposed to be here Friday yet Canada post can't find it or are too fucking stupid to know how to look it up in the system to confirm they at least have received it from the company I ordered from.
TheCheesy: Damn, I had $555 in cash from selling about just over half a bitcoin. It was shipped through canada post, 1-3 day shipping, took 9 days and ended up at a post office 3 towns over signed as my name as if they didn't walk to take the blame for it.
rmbarrett: Canada Post is terrible.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1387609312 | 1387627984 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | buckyb33: TIFU by forgetting to go walk a dog like I was supposed to.
I get paid to walk dogs. This was a last minute request from my employer, but I volunteered for it. I was supposed to feed and walk this dog around dinner time. Then before dinner I fell asleep with a headache and woke up at midnight, having completely slept through my alarm. I'd a terrible, irresponsible person. Worst part is this is the second time I've done this over 12 months. :( there's nothing I can do about it now, but I feel awful for the poor dog.
hobogauntlet: Well, on the bright side your TIFU reminded me about all the stuff I have to do in the next 10 minutes before my housemate wakes up for work... so thanks!
buckyb33: Glad some good could come of it. :)
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1387671182 | 1388415316 | t3_1tbd9w | t5_2to41 | 5 | Mkep: What?
iposewithseals: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bhopal_disaster
OhioTry: That was phosigene, I think
musicnerd1023: [Methyl Isocyanate](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Methyl_isocyanate) was Bhopal, although Phosgene is also some [nasty shit](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phosgene).
I should know I'm a chemical engineer that gets to tear down a unit that used to use those and other stuff to make everything from pesticides to military grade chemical weapons. Not really looking forward to that particular job.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1387649154 | 1387807480 | null | t5_2to41 | 48 | throwmeawayifuckedup: TIFU by opening my big dumb mouth at work
I work at a start up and we had a tough culture meeting this week because, being a start up, we're all about culture and whatnot. I recently switched departments and when asked about my old department, I answered honestly about how poorly I was treated and how the culture was so driven by fear that it stopped basically everyone from doing their job.
Later on, I was the only one in the office working late and the CEO pulled me aside and asked me hard questions about it. Mainly, about how that team sandbags their time and about the management on that team--she runs the team on a culture of fear where they are scared of layoffs every day (for no reason) so that majorly impacts their productivity. Plus, she treated me like SHIT and said so many illegal things that HR had to write her up for it.
Anyway, here's where I fucked up: I stupidly, very very stupidly, told two people that were my friends (I now realize there is a difference between close co-workers and friends) that I had this conversation. I didn't give details, I was just, in passing, like "I talked to the CEO last night about some stuff and he had a lot of hard questions about how you guys spend your time; he wanted to know how 6 people do a job that 4 can."
I fucked up. I should never, EVER have said anything under ANY circumstances. But my empathetic human side wanted to tell them because I know they were considering switching departments and I felt like it might help them make the choice to do so.
Now, with normal stable people, this type of thing would've been not a big deal. But not for my old department. I highly underestimated the power of their fear. These people went BATSHIT insane. They took this one morsel of information (the fact that I had a conversation with someone--with no knowledge of the actual conversation) and dragged in everyone from the Director of Ops to the VP of stuff to the CEO himself. Accusing me of being a saboteur, etc etc.
Really, if you look at it, their reaction only further proved my point that their fear inhibits everything: it wasted an entire day and everyone's time, including mine where I had to meet with HR and the CEO again to apologize for being a goddamn young idiot. The CEO said it was a poor judgement call but that it's okay.
But now I'm afraid I'm going to get let go in the upcoming weeks because of bullshit "culture" reasons for being a "gossip" even though I'm great at my job and I fly under the radar (usually). I just bought a house and I'm poor as fuck: I can't afford to lose this job. I also love it. I adore the new department I'm in.
I openly admitted to the CEO and HR that I made a HUGE mistake by empathizing and telling those people that I even had the conversation, but I did not make a mistake sharing my opinion with the CEO when he asked and I answered truthfully. (And honestly, if you're doing your job, you shouldn't freak out that badly when someone asks how your hours are spent.)
Anyway, I fucked up by being unprofessional and trusting people I shouldn't. I realize this and I'm hoping I can still cling to my job and sweep it all under the rug in a few months. I also realize now how much more professional I need to be at work: not being as buddy-buddy with people, working hard to be perceived professionally, all of that. This was a hard lesson, and I fucked up, but I've already learned from it and I hope I get the chance to prove that. I fucking hope I do.
zalloy: Don't let those people drag you down with them. I made the same kind of mistake before, in mistaking co-workers for friends.
With regard to your conversation with the CEO, you shouldn't have told anyone else about it, especially not people who were still in your old department.
Almost every workplace has an active rumor mill, and most of them operate like the Telephone game you used to play in kindergarten. When you tell someone something, they spread it around. Trouble is that it bears no resemblance to anything you actually said by the time it gets around to everyone.
Co-workers, no matter how friendly they seem, are NOT your friends. They're just trying to get through their days, do their work (or more often, get someone else to do their work), and keep getting their paychecks without being fired or downsized. They're always looking for a way to cover their own ass, and it doesn't matter who they make look bad in the process, as long as they come up smelling like a rose.
Believe me when I tell you, you can't trust co-workers. I've been through some of the most severe back-stabbing office politics and rumor mills you could think of. And because of co-workers and their rumors, I lost a great job where I could have been making 6 figures by now if I hadn't gotten the shaft by unscrupulous co-workers and management. If I knew then what I know now, it wouldn't have happened.
So, in future, keep any conversations with management to yourself. And don't give the rumor mill anything to talk about that could be used as ammunition to oust you from your position.
throwmeawayifuckedup: I'm sorry that you got the shaft from that drama. Are you in a better place now?
I'm hoping to keep my head down and basically never talk to anyone again; I'll be absolutely devastated if I lose my job over this drama. I'm hoping that they can see I learned my lesson and won't do it again, rather than just making a decision based on one stupid (and honest) mistake. Here's hoping.
zalloy: Oh yes. I'm an independent contractor now. The money's not quite what I was making at that place, but it's much better money than working at MickeyD's. The best part is that I can do all my work from home, so I no longer have to deal with office politics and drama. I still have co-workers, but we all interact online, and it's usually project related interaction. Everybody gets along, and nobody gets into anybody else's business.
Everybody makes mistakes like this kind of mistake at one point or another. Just chalk it up to experience. You can still talk to your co-workers, just don't talk to them about anything too personal, or any conversations you've had with management. Just be cautious, and think about what you're going to say, before you say it. Think about if there's anything you're about to say that could be used, or twisted around and used, to fuel the rumor mill.
| 4 | 12 | |
1387663165 | 1387686709 | null | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: TIFU by watching porn without realizing my speakers were still on
First, let me explain why this was even possible. I have my speakers and headphones plugged into my computer and recently I enabled a feature that allows you to listen from both devices at the same time. So now when I listen to explicit music or watch porn, I turn down my speakers and leave my headphones on, but today I fucked up.
* After waking up from a nap I felt like fapping. So, I opened up pornhub, put my headphones and fapped away like there was no tomorrow. After finishing my fap session, I opened up iTunes and and played a song then walked over to my couch to lay down. After about 10-20 seconds later, I realize that I'm hearing the song even though I don't have my headphones on. Then it hit me. My younger brother and sister (a room down from mine) just heard some Asian chick moan for a good 15 minutes..
* I don't know what to do now. I'm usually so careful when it comes to situations like this.. All of this just happened about 10 minutes ago and now I'm afraid to walk out of my room.
**EDIT**: I don't know how to make paragraphs on reddit, sorry if it's confusing to read. Also, can someone help me think of an excuse incase I'm asked about this? I was thinking about saying I was just watching a movie like American Pie or something..
ServerMechanic: Fapping is the most retarded word ever. Use a real word. Beating it. Jerking it. Wacking off. Rub one out. "fapping" Retarded.
mugen_is_here: Acc to the dictionary fapping means what he meant while beating it doesn't. So I don't think it's retarded.
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1387677478 | 1387692205 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,318 | Shartpantsmcgoo: TIFU by trusting a fart and I now have no dignity left.
So I ate out at a restaurant yesterday for a work Christmas party. Fast forward to this morning and I wake up not feeling so great. End up leaving work due to intense stomach pains. Turns out I have food poisoning. The rest of my day was spent running back and forth from the couch to the bathroom with liquid running out of both ends. My butthole is so raw because I've diarrhea-ed like 15 times today. And I had sriracha with dinner the night before the party and it's coming back with a vengeance tonight. So I'm lying on the couch, butthole is on fire and stomach is rumbling and I had just gotten comfortable. I really didn't want to get up again to poop and it felt like a fart anyway. I ended up letting a little gas out and felt something tagging along. Next thing I know, poowater is leaking out of my butt through my boxers onto the couch. I run to the bathroom to evacuate what's left of my bowels and my wife looks at the couch and freaks out. Big ol' poowater puddle slowly leaking into the cushion. I can't stop laughing because that's all I can do at this point as it feels like Niagra is pouring out of my colon. My wife, through tears and laughs, is trying her best to clean the couch without throwing up. So here I am now, lying on the couch, no dignity left, stomach still in pain and butthole on fire. To make matters worse, my wife put a pad in my underwear to mitigate further accidents, can't really blame her at this point. I never got how so many people shit themselves on this subreddit and now I have joined the ranks. Throwaway to save what tiny little bit of dignity I have left.
Set back the counter....
Update: So its almost 1 o'clock here on the east coast and I just got up twenty minutes ago. Things took a turn for the worse after I posted this and I continued to have diahrrea and intense vomiting until 3 in the morning. (Fun fact, if you drink orange then blue Gatorade, your throw up will be a sea-foam green color.) I'm feeling better now, just very weak and dizzy. I appreciate all the comments and advice, they were nice to read when I was laid out on the shit couch.
My manpad is still in just in case.
o0-0o: Never trust a fart when you got the squirts.
Shartpantsmcgoo: Lesson learned. The hard way.
owetre18: No, I think you learned it the *watery* way.
PixelOrange: Water torture
joshuad80: Taco Bell water torture.
Better yet, Panda Express water torture.
PixelOrange: I've never had problems with panda Express.
Taco Bell ends colons, though.
joshuad80: Every time I eat panda, I have a level 5 bowel evacuation.
PixelOrange: Level 5? That's not good. You probably shouldn't eat that any longer.
joshuad80: It's currently been over a year. But I find myself heading toward it every time I'm getting lunch at the mall. I fear I'll lose my control eventually.
PixelOrange: DON'T DO IT!
| 11 | 119.818182 | |
1387753144 | 1388124220 | t3_1tfzoi | t5_2to41 | 20 | Shitting_sea_men: I might even post it to gw.
Hastilygrim: Please do, and your whole body, I find that the female body is a thing of beauty, in most cases, and I would really like to see yours.
Bassskilla: Ahh the elusive, gentleman creep. ^Those ^are ^the ^scariest
Hastilygrim: Yes, I am very scary, now please take off your clothes.
Nozphexezora: Do you like birds? I like birds.
Hastilygrim: Depends what kind of bird it is.
Nozphexezora: Quail.
Hastilygrim: Wouldn't fit, probably would result in death.
Nozphexezora: w-what?!
Hastilygrim: If I were to fuck a quail, it would probably result in the quail's death.
Nozphexezora: It's insulting that you would even think about such a thing, you pervert!
| 11 | 1.818182 | |
1387708564 | 1387825293 | null | t5_2to41 | 68 | whyismydickred: TIFU by pulling something out of my dick
So I had just finished masturbating and as I was about to go to sleep I noticed a long white *thing* coming out of my dick.
I stared at it for a while and then I decided to pull it out. I now have a red spot on the crease of my foreskin and ow.
queen_of_the_koopas: OP are you okay?? That sounds.... awful. I have no dick, but still. . . sounds painful. What was it that you pulled out??
Myanex: Got really fucking confused when you said you had no dick, than realized you must be of the female gender and then proceeded to laugh.
queen_of_the_koopas: hahahaha thanks for the laugh. I really needed that :)
| 4 | 17 | |
1387718183 | 1387936153 | null | t5_2to41 | 64 | manu44: TIFU - Playing Porn on my LED with the whole family watching.
So i ordered a New MHL adaptor from Amazon and was so excited to be able to play all my S4 Videos on the LED Tv.It came the other day and i told my family that we are gone watch my cousins Engagement video on the Big screen. So my parents and my younger brother are just waiting for me to setup the Mhl adaptor with my Tv.
So everything was in place as soon as a connected the HDMI cable to the phone .Voila the Display was there on the TV.. I was showing it of to my parents ( all the technological bullshit ) I opened the Video gallery and just next to the engagement video tile it was Audrey Bitoni's video ( tonight's girlfriend ) and by mistake i just fucking clicked on it and to my bad luck the video started playing from the last point i stopped it.. So its like audrey screaming on my 52inch LED with home theater connected and i am standing there like a dumbass trying to close the fucking gallery.
*Sob* *Sob*
LED ---> LED TV
P.S : Sorry for the Grammar i am a bit drunk.
[deleted]: Well at least it was only an LED you hooked it up to. I don't think a single pixel of light is enough to tell what it is.
manu44: I meant LED TV. I dont understand why are people so dumb to not understand that i am talking about a tv, when i have already mentioned it was a 52 inch . Duh
[deleted]: I don't know why you're so dumb to think a light emitting diode is the same as a tv.
manu44: Lol. seriously people like you exist?
Dont you guys have LED TV's where you come from?
GrapePlasma: While I agree since this is reddit, if you wanna not get reamed with crap from people about asinine things like specificity when listing out objects, you should provided the necessary specificity. But to your point, people should have understood what you meant. For shame!!
| 6 | 10.666667 | |
1387733314 | 1387740324 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | The_Frequent_Liar: TIFU by smoking weed
Last night, I had a party at my house with just 3 or 4 friends. We decided to buy an eighth and were gonna smoke it. About half way through, I hear a knock at the door, and I hear "let me in". My step mom barges in and caught me and my friends, and pretty much told everyone to walk home ( I live 6 miles away from town where they live). I lost all my Christmas presents, all my family's trust, and my phone. I may also be kicked out and never allowed to play sports or do drumline ever again. All over some weed. I fucked up.
Mouthtuom: If your parents kick you out over weed, it is they who have a problem, not you.
w8b4: There's a lot of the back story missing here I think to make that added make that assessment. But if he is over the age of 18 and graduated they are well within their rights should they decide to kick him out. They own the house. They make the rules. Fairly simple. That said I would agree that it would be an over-reaction on the basis of the information we currently have. I'm pretty sure you'll be fine though op. Just play it cool and it will blow over. You and your parents are both over reacting and it will all simmer down.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1387725857 | 1387735165 | null | t5_2to41 | 74 | juuuuice: TIFU by trying to unclog my toilet
This actually happened a few years ago, but I figured it would go well here. Just for context my bathroom is in my room and right above our laundry room/back door area. Anyway I was about 15 or 16 years old. Two days prior to this event I had taken a giant, vile poo that clogged my poor toilet. Well, after avoiding plunging my toilet for 48 hours the stench eventually became overwhelming, so I decided to vanquish the fiend from the porcelain goddess. Mind you, it's about 11:30 at night and everyone is in bed. So I begin the process of plunging. I open the lid of the toilet and am hit with the worst stench of my life. This disgusting stew was a reddish-brown color with poo chunks floating all around. I flushed the toilet and began plunging like my life depended on it. It wasn't really going down, so I flushed again. Instantly, I regretted the decision. The water was rising fast, and I had no idea what to do. Time slowed down as I watched the poowater reach the brim and slowly pour over. I remember seeing mini poochunks spill out and gagging. My poo instincts kicked in and I grabbed my two bathroom rugs and through them in my bedroom. The water was reaching my room's carpet fast, and my sole goal was not stop it before it reached. I grabbed a dirty towel, and was able to blockade it, but the poo stew overcame it. I panicked and went into our towel closet right outside my room and grabbed an armful of towels. At this point my mother must have heard the commotion and saw me grabbing these towels. I threw the blockade on the poo water and it succeeded, however a new problem arose. While my mom, jaw dropped, watched me go to battle, she remembered what my bathroom was located over; our laundry room. Praying that the poop hadn't leaked through the floor, We sprinted downstairs. Luckily, there wasn't anything on the floor, but we made sure to check thoroughly. Suddenly, my mom screams the scream of all screams. A scream that could only mean one thing; the poo stew had arrived in glorious fashion. In the entrance area by our back door, there is a light that hangs from the ceiling that is bowl shaped. The vile concoction had dripped down into the light bowl, and started dripping through it. The first drop landed on her head. I couldn't help myself and started laughing my ass off. She screamed, "YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY? YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY THAT YOUR SHITWATER IS ON MY HEAD?" And I couldn't say a word. Eventually we just gave up, and left a towel under the drip area, and made our way upstairs with trash bags and air freshener spray. And this is how I messed up by trying to unclog my toilet. Never flush twice.
Wyvorn: I lost it.
juuuuice: You better find it!
| 3 | 24.666667 | |
1387733151 | 1387838923 | null | t5_2to41 | 3,256 | tuggas: TIFU by complaining how my wife cleans
I think the title says enough but keeping with the rules, I will add context.
My wife was in the bathroom cleaning, and I asked if she had already cleaned the tub, and she said yes. Ignoring everything I learned over 25 years of marriage, I stated, "doesn't look like it. You need to scrub harder." Yada yada yada, I spent the next two hours cleaning all the bathrooms.
oilmansk: I've seen some fucked up shit on here before...but what the fuck were you thinking?
Lonelan: He was thinking she didn't clean the bath tub well.
thedeaux: And he was probably right. But you know... This is probably a good time to stop this train of thought before I have to sleep on the couch tonight.
TheNamesClove: Poor bastard...don't you know the man is never right?
DerpyTheGrey: That must make gay relationships awkward.
TheNamesClove: I think there's an exception if there is no female in the equation. In a gay relationship they probably compromise and are both right some of the time. When a woman is involved, all rightness that can be possessed by a man is instantly nullified.
threat_level: > In a gay relationship they probably compromise and are both right some of the time.
Hahahaha...Clearly you're not gay.
TheNamesClove: Harshest insult ever.
threat_level: Better grab the burn spray, homey.
(Also, I'm not gay either but I do know for a fact that gay men argue. My downstairs neighbors have loud screaming matches just like my parents before they divorced. I voted for gay marriage just to spite them.)
zArtLaffer: > I voted for gay marriage just to spite them
That was mean. In just about every way you can read that sentence.
threat_level: Yup. By "them" I meant my parents, mom's a proud lifelong Catholic and republican. Me, not so much. I voted for gay marriage because I believe in equality, duh.
zArtLaffer: > I voted for gay marriage because I believe in equality
Then I mis-read you. I thought you were being funny.
I *thought* you said that you voted for gay marriage because you wanted to teach them (gay couples) how miserable married couples turn out to be.
Hence my claim that this behavior was "just downright mean".
I apologize for inappropriately assuming a humorous impulse on your part.
threat_level: No, you read me right. I was making a joke about the institution of marriage -which for the record I do respect and believe in- then adding to that a joke about spiteing my parents. I sincerely do vote for gay rights when it comes up on the ballot because I think its the right thing to do.
| 14 | 232.571429 | |
1387736575 | 1387754727 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking 4chan's advise
So, I was browsing /b/ and I saw a thread with some pretty good lookin tits and such in it, so I decided to check it out. I was told to go to imagefap.com and search "lolita", and begin the gullible fuck I am, I did.
So after I do, a message comes up displaying my IP and a message from ASACP, saying the sites been reported and my IP has been logged with the date and time. What the fuck did I just get myself into? Also, if anyone has advice for me, that would be great.
EDIT: Alright, thanks for the help. I learned my lesson, never listen to 4chan.
laventerdent: Can someone tell me what Lolita is?
[deleted]: I don't even know man, but I'm not willing to find out. I would suggest you google it, but that could put you on a list.
laventerdent: Pandora's box man
| 4 | 8 | |
1387743806 | 1387842396 | null | t5_2to41 | 129 | [deleted]: Tifu by beating up my ex's boyfriend
Let me start by saying my ex and I have a very tumultuous relationship. We have a kid together. I was at my friends apartment watching the Bengals game, after her texting me and telling me she couldn't come over today. So I'm sitting on the couch at my buddies house and I swear to myself that the neighbor sounds just like my ex. Out of curiosity, I open the door, and sure enough there is my daughter, in the hands of another man. I freaked out on my ex who was unlocking the door to their apartment (i was under the impression she still lived with her parents and was single). I confronted her, out of instinct, about why she lied to me about not being able to let me see my pup, who in turn starts crying at the sight of me (because she misses her daddy, and chooses me over newly discovered bf). My daughter hops out of his arms and runs to me, which I of course accepted whole-heartedly. He starts yelling at my ex about how she told him I was out of the picture (which I'm obviously not) and for some reason I defended her out of some sort of previous love/appreciation for her, and he gets in my face. Keep in mind I'm now holding my 1 year old daughter, and then he tries to slap me. He missed. He hit my baby. I calmly put her down and said "go to mommy". Once she walked away I cocked my ARM back and FIRED AS HARD AS I COULD a fist into this mother fuckers face. He went out. I placed him in the recovery position and talked to my ex about the situation. He woke up. Cops are now on their way, and I may or may not be going to jail. Was I wrong?
fragglet: > Was I wrong?
You were probably wrong to make this post, because it's evidence / a written confession of your having committed assault.
HavocSynapse: O rlly?
traugdor: Man slaps your daughter and you laid him out? That's not assault, that's defense on behalf of your child.
I have a daughter, too, 6 weeks old, and if anyone so much as looks at her in a mean way, I'm going to have words with them.
fragglet: I completely agree with you, but if it came to a court case you never know which way it could end up going. Posting a written confession online like this could quite easily come back later to bite OP in the ass, if this new BF decides he's going to hire a lawyer and try to press charges.
It's like the classic solid advice of [don't talk to cops](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6wXkI4t7nuc). Don't make public statements like this one which could drop you into trouble even if your actions were perfectly justified.
| 5 | 25.8 | |
1387764925 | 1387841623 | null | t5_2to41 | 36 | [deleted]: TIFU by not noticing a back side with ten more questions on my math final
Math was always my easiest class. That was always the class that was the least of my worries. The whole semester I maintained an A in math and it never slid to anything lower. Now one little human error has given me a B...
Hiolpe: Happens to all of us. I took a coding final and I used variables only stored on my computer. So when I emailed the professor my script, my code did not compile on his computer. But I could always do personal projects to demonstrate the knowledge.
As for math, an A in a higher level class will kind of "overwrite" a B. So don't sweat it.
Tapeleg91: I really don't think that was the issue, unless you were reading in from a separate file or something. Space is created for the variables upon compilation, and that space is freed when the program ends.
| 3 | 12 | |
1387777861 | 1651943480 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | ineedtogetsomelube: TIFU by masturbating with conditioner
So I'm at my grandpa's house and I haven't masturbated in like 10 hours(I'm 14 and it's Don't Stop December). Obviously I decide to go into the bathroom and do the deed. I usually use Pantene conditioner as lubricant at my house and it does the job well, but my grandpa doesn't have Pantene; he has this natural tree root herbal extract conditioner shit, but I figured it'll be just the same as Pantene. So when I'm doing the deed my dick starts to feel minty and I see some of the conditioner slip into the cum canal... I thought nothing of this and when I tried to pee afterwards I felt the force of and entire spice cabinet exploding in my urethra, it took me at least half an hour to pee... I'm gonna guess that my sister in the room next to the bathroom knows...
TL;DR: Didn't use Pantene, got herbs up my urethra
Dank_tank: I never use lube idk it just takes longer with lube. I like to go raw!! Tmi maybe
AvocadoGum: not everyone has foreskin
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1387780403 | 1388296568 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | Shadowpwnage15: TIFU by breaking up eith my gf
So this actually happened a week ago but still I FUCKED UP: So me and my girl friend had a pretty solid relationship up until about a month ago where it got rocky. We fought a lot and she was cheating on me. So I forgave her and we kept fighting until last week when we got in a huge argument when she said "It's Over", so being the smart-ass I am I quickly responded "So is your Netflix membership" ( we shared the account)She was halfway through the 3rd season of Breaking Bad and was planning on staying up all weekend with her friends And finishing as much as she could. She loves watching tv and was absolutely Furious so she took a knife and literally cut in half my beloved Battlefield 4, a freshly opened Grand Theft Auto 5 and smashed my limited edition Gold C-3po controller ( came with my limited edition Star Wars Xbox). So now I can't get another copy of either game and have nothing to play until Christmas and can't get the controller ever again " except for a ridiculous price of eBay). Reddit I truly Fucked up.
SORRY FOR BAD GRAMMAR etc.
Gunz-E: No, you fucked up when you took her back after cheating on you.
[deleted]: Couldn't agree more.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1387788517 | 1387926262 | null | t5_2to41 | 61 | mostawesomechic: TIFU by going through my husbands messages.
My husband has his fb account linked on our tablet. I've been using it a lot lately and forgot that he was signed in. I a lewd message and my nosy ass read it. I should not have gone through his messages behind his back. I'm a horrible person for that but, the things I read makes my heart break. I feel like I deserve it for snooping. My heart hurts so bad right now. I just needed to get it out.
shaggy1265: I found out my ex was cheating because I saw a text message on her phone.
Don't feel bad. You aren't the bad person here.
mostawesomechic: Hugs. Im Sorry you're going through this too.
shaggy1265: It has been a couple years so I am passed it now. Thanks though.
I wish I could say something to make you feel better but nothing I can say will change anything. Just remember things will get better, do everything you can to focus on yourself and do what makes you happy for awhile.
And I want to re-iterate this is not your fault. He is the one that fucked up here and you are just dealing with the consequences.
mostawesomechic: Right now im just trying to act happy till after the holidays. I dont want to ruin ours kids christmas. Thank you for your words.
amplebooty: It's a shitty situation but well done for holding it together for the kids :)
mostawesomechic: thanks
| 7 | 8.714286 | |
1387796227 | 1387838150 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting a low score on SAT
I know these posts are usually supposed to be more funny. But this one will be more emotional.
So i took the SAT a bit too late and can now only take it one more time after this time. I just got my scores and got a 1240. I am sitting here crying because
1. This was my chance to get a scholarship to the same uni i want to be in with my SO.
2. I feel like a retard.
All my friends got 1500 or 1400 on their first tries and were disappointed. I studied as much as time could offer me because i had exams at the same time and didn't get to focus too much on SAT but its not like i didn't study.
Everyone is excited to hear about my score, is so proud of me, my girlfriend was so dependent and constantly said "i believe in you" and i screwed it up.
I fucked up big time and am shutting myself off from everyone.
BathroomLurker: Don't follow your high school girlfriend to college. It usually doesn't end well. Just go the the best school you can get in to and it will all work out
smittywjmj: While I like to stay optimistic, OP, imagine if, hopefully it won't, but imagine if you and your SO do separate, you might then be stuck at a uni you don't actually want to go to, and then you'll really have fucked up.
There are some times in life when you need to be selfish, and picking a university is one of those times.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1387796002 | 1387835590 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by forgetting to take a torrent off seeding
I downloaded a series of something over TPB using BT and forgot to take it off seeding once it was done. I had a DMCA block on my internet and it was down for 6 hours. It was my 1st warning out of 10 before legal action. Other than a good scare, I got off easy; I was told to just delete the files. I have other plans in mind.
In the game of thrones, you win or you die.
[deleted]: My isp is either lazy or doesn't care because pretty much all I use is the pirate bay
SoyPopo: Same. Either, they don't care or my mum dismisses it completely.
[deleted]: Yeah i have a friend who was been into computers for like 20 years and hes real big in linux as well. Pretty much like an old school hacker I asked him about like torrenting and what was up with my service provider. He said that he didnt know and not too worry about it.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1387823175 | 1387844409 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,541 | [deleted]: TIFU by forgetting the date.
Really this was "LN-IFU"
So, my significant other whispers to me in bed, at the end of the day, "all I want for my birthday is [sexual reference]" - and I respond, "Of course, when is it, tomorrow?"
"It was today."
I don't think I could have turned more red.
I know the birthday falls on the 22nd. I did *not* know it *was* the 22nd.
Sigh.
[deleted]: "All I want for my birthday is a big booty ho"
idrink211: Sorry, Kim Kardashian is taken.
Telekineticism: Ho, not hobbit.
nippletonbonerfart: My fiancé ain't a hobbit
[deleted]: Bitch, you best not be liein' I be making a damn foo out maself if you is.
nippletonbonerfart: Okay so if she was a hobbit den how come she don't glow blue near goblins! Ooohh you didn't think a dat!!!
[deleted]: Hobbit didn't glow blue.. the swords did.
[deleted]: Bitch, you sure yous not a hobbit?
| 9 | 171.222222 | |
1387829457 | 1388069804 | null | t5_2to41 | 582 | Quais: TIFU by fucking my cousin in my aunt and uncle's house.
Let me just start off by saying that my cousin and I are not blood related and she is hot as hell.
As a preface, one night I drunkenly decided to stop my cousin mid-walk through downtown and make out with her. We pretty much immediately went to my place and fucked. Since then we've fucked a lot over the last year and a half.
The other night I went over to my aunt and uncle's for dinner and my cousin happened to be there (she didn't live there). After dinner my aunt and uncle went to bed to watch a movie and I decided to go downstairs to watch something else and so my cousin tagged along.
It took all of a few minutes to make our way to a spare bedroom, tear our clothes off, and go to town. Immediately afterwards I thought it best to get dressed quickly and go out to the living room. As I opened the door my uncle is right there and said "Hey, what's going on?" and I didn't say a word, I just kept walking and tried shutting the door behind me (I was a bit shocked). He opened it and there she is sitting up under the covers, clothes strewn aside. He's like "What the hell is going on?" and she explained that she was cramping really bad and that I was just in there comforting her. He did not look pleased when he came out.
Holy crap, I doubt he really bought that. My aunt asked me today "So, are you two dating or what? You can tell me, I don't think it matters anyway because you're not blood related." but I denied it. I just don't think my uncle would handle it well. But inside my head I'm thinking "I fucked your daaaughter, I fucked your daaaughter!"
Tyger011: How are you not blood related? And did you grow up together? Lol,
tossme105: I'm kinda in the same boat as the OP. My mother was adopted into the family as an infant so I'm not blood related to any of them. My cousin is recently divorced from her husband and has slimmed down and now a total babe has said she doesn't want to date anyone and just wants a fuck buddy. She has asked me a few times if I'd be interested. I'm not really sure what to tell her. On one hand she's super hot, on the other we grew up together.
Quais: Do it.
RonanOverendable: Do it!
mugen_is_here: Do it!
Csardonic1: Don't do it!
No, do it!
mugen_is_here: Just do it!
Brian9816: Just do her!
| 9 | 64.666667 | |
1387828602 | 1387913452 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | joshuad80: TIFU: reset the counter
I trusted a fart. I never thought I'd join these ranks, but here I am.
I was sitting at my desk at work when I let a tiny little one out. It felt a bit weird, but no big. Queue 10 minutes later I decide to go hit the toilet. My ass suddenly feels wet and with every step my confidence in my cleanliness fades. I pull the pants down and lo and behold, liquid shit making a great streak on my favorite pair of underwear, and it soaked through to my pants. Luckily, I'm wearing jeans and it's not obvious, but if anyone looks closely enough, they'll see a dark spot. I'm currently sitting on the toilet trying to figure out what to do. I have no idea why this happened. I'm not sick, I don't have the runs, my poop this morning was excellent. I'm so confused and ashamed. And my favorite pair of underwear is going in the trash.
[deleted]: Don't throw out the underwear! In the stall, take them off, use some TP and squeeze the jean stain out as best you can. Pull em up and take your undies to the sink when no one is around and wash them out vigerously. Get the sopping wet. Rub that shit out. Then ring out your underwear and roll them up with paper towel and squeeze it. Dry them as thoroughly as you can. Then make your way back to the stall and replace the underwear. On your way out of the washroom take a SMALL dab of soap and put it on your jeans where the spot was to mask any we maiming smell. Also, pray no one has seen your shit stained chair.
maybeilllurkmore: .....you've seriously washed your shitstained underwear in the bathroom sink, wrung them out, and put them back on? It's not like going commando is a big deal.
[deleted]: Good point, but it's better than carrying shit-wear around all day
maybeilllurkmore: Yeah, that's true. I guess I've never had to wash them out in the sink and tp was able to soak it up but I understand where you're coming from.
| 5 | 6.6 | |
1387829416 | 1387835957 | null | t5_2to41 | 50 | [deleted]: TIFU by protesting for equality at a court house
I just got back from probably the stupidest thing I've ever done.
Background time: I'm a transgender girl (male-to-female) living in Utah. I have a wonderful boyfriend whom I love very very much. I have a friend who is super duper liberal with me and we hang out and do crazy liberal things sometimes. On Friday Utah became the 18th state to legalize same-sex marriage and they've already denied three emergency stays (attempts to make it illegal again).
Every county is supposed to be issuing marriage licenses, but the county I live in is refusing to do so until they hear "further clarification." My friend heard this and we decided to protest. The plan was simple. We walk in, apply for a license, get denied, hold signs saying that that's not right. Please note that my friend also has a boyfriend. We were supposed to get there before the media arrived, and we managed that beautifully.
So, we go to the courthouse, and I run into a couple of friends. One of them is a personal friend, and one is a more distant friend who's also making a documentary about the LDS (mormon) LGBT population and Utah LGBT culture. I love having friends around, so we let them know what was going on, and I told my documentarian friend that I wasn't going to actually marry my friend. So, we get our license form, fill it out (we got two "bride" forms) and go to get denied. It was supposed to be easy. The clerk walks out, lets us know that he won't marry us (for lame reasons of "we have to wait for further clarification") and we ask for official paperwork stating it as such and our forms signed by him showing that we were denied. It was standard stuff that the local pride center was requesting.
While he's signing his beautiful little bigoted signature, I say "hey, wouldn't it throw a wrench into things if I told him I'm still legally male and see what happens?" So he brings out the paperwork, and I tell him this. Already one news station appeared and was following the story. He becomes flustered and said he'd need clarification on that, got my friend's number and said he'd call her. Cool, whatever, that was hilarious and fun. Except the news person and the documentarian make a deal out of how that's discriminatory against a "legally straight couple" and they get a story about it. The documentarian was in the know about all this, but the news lady wasn't. She asked for our info and we gave it, assuming it would be a small bit story.
Well, we're hanging out with my friends after getting denied trying to think of something to do when the 9th circuit appeals judge starts looking at the case again. My friend convinces me that it's a good idea to stick around, hear what she says and try applying again, just to see what happens/laugh more at the poor county clerk who, at this point, is flustered with all the homosexuality in his office. Then she gets an idea of calling her lawyer and seeing if he would be arrested for not granting the license. I start to worry a bit at this point. During the call 2 more news stations come, and they both start interviewing us. They asked us how long we'd been together. I looked at her silently saying "dude we gotta spill the beans" and she says "we've been dating for a year." Oh god. Now they're all asking about it and, not one to screw things up after they've got going, I give my honest opinion of why we were doing that (because it's not right to not grant legal ceremonies to legal people when it's been legalized) but they think I'm talking about why I'm going to marry *my friend.* My friend whom I've never even dated.
So, we go back into the office to see what the guy says now that the 9th circuit judge says that it's actually a misdemeanor not to grant a license to someone now, regardless of gender, and the media follows us in, and random people are going into the room to be allies to this beautiful little transgender-cisgender lesbian couple, and at this point I'm seriously freaking out and she is too, but she says "we'll just back out at the last second. No one will know. We won't really get married." Then one of the random allies says that she's an ordained minister and will marry us together if they will allow it, and starts making all these "LEGALIZE LOVE" and whatnot signs and leaving them around the room, causing a ruckus. Crap. We're stuck. Luckily, the clerk has decided to continually be a douche and ignore us while we're waiting to speak with him. My documentarian friend knows what's going on, but has informed me not to tell the truth or it will ruin people's stories and the cause or whatever. My friend is like "WE GOTTA GET OUT SOMEHOW" and so we decide to just tell the one reporter in that room that we would just go to a different county's courthouse and get married. I expect that to be the end, but five more reporters are outside and surround us as we leave the room. I tried to hide but the cameras were everywhere. My friend, not one to "ruin the cause" gives some statement about how we're going up to the city but will consider legal action against the county, and I'm just cowering in the background. I run into my first friend I ran into and i'm like "GET ME OUTTA HERE" and she directs us to the stairs where the media won't attack us as much, and we make a beeline to the door, but only after becoming the posterchild for something that was originally just going to be a small peaceful protest.
**TL;DR I became the poster child of transgender-cisgender lesbian love and almost married a good friend of mine, when we're not even dating.**
Thatsthebadger: Don't get me wrong, I think that same sex marriage should be legalised for all.
My only issue with what you have said is calling the clerk a bigot.
Did he/she specifically say that he believe you were wrong ? If not then he was doing his job and as such is not a bigot.
For all you know they support LGBT rights and can't do anything about it for fear of losing their job.
[deleted]: Sorry, it was meant to be snarky. He told us that he was personally not allowing marriage certificates and that, even if the court of appeals said to allow it, he wouldn't allow it until he was told specifically by the DA to do it.
Thatsthebadger: Well that's his job. He was probably a bit fed up with a courthouse full of tv cameras and reporters.
| 4 | 12.5 | |
1387854672 | 1387929551 | null | t5_2to41 | 59 | Tenchi98: TIFU by eating a bag of Bacon Jerky, Buffalo Jerky, bag of Wasabi Trailmix, half a bag of Wasabi trailmix, 280g of Wasabi Peas, and a Ramen Bowl in one day
The Wasabi farts are starting already. Tomorrow, The Reckoning begins. Will update after The Reckoning.
That Bacon Jerky was godlike though.
UPDATE: I have somehow managed to avoid The Reckoning! But the Wasabi Farts have become more volatile and far more noxious than they were last night.
UPDATE 2: It begins.
UPDATE 3: That was fairly harmless, I am actually kinda disappointed. I expected lingering radiation making the toilet unusable for hundreds of years, explosions. It didnt even come close to the Rice Krispie Treat-Stomach Flu Crisis of 2012. My anus did burn pretty badly though, it is still going right now. Honestly the worst thing was whenever I tried to take a leak. I have been drinking water like crazy but it is always cloudy yellow and burns like a Ghost Chili coming up the urinary tract. Even the size was a little disappointing but, other than the jerky I didnt really eat much thick food. I cant imagine rice crackers and peas being that large after the intestine compresses them. Looks like it is time to rip open the other bag of Wasabi peas that were in the box...
TIFU, but TIL not to binge on Spicy Food.
maybeilllurkmore: That's like... 15 if not 20 bucks in snacks.... in one day...... dude..... Nice.
Tenchi98: Twenty dollars. It was supposed to be a gift for a neighbor, but we bought two because I wanted one.
maybeilllurkmore: You're the man! Not sure if you answered it already, but did ya get the shits?
Tenchi98: Not yet. I actually just updated the post. I have managed to avoid The Reckoning. It could be late tonight I never know. And I might not have access to my computer soon so I am afraid I may be a Fag OP and not deliver.
maybeilllurkmore: Glad everything worked out despite the stinging piss. Wasabi 4 lyfe.
Tenchi98: Thanks man!
| 7 | 8.428571 | |
1387851211 | 1387935957 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | andronikus: TIFU by not paying attention while slicing cabbage
I knew mandolines are dangerous. I really did.
But I'd used mine several times without incident, so when my mom asked me to use it to slice cabbage for sauerkraut, I didn't worry.
I should have.
And now I'm missing the corner of my pinkie.
But I got to say "I had a hand in that recipe", so maybe it was worth it.
XandraHart: Ouch. I can just imagine the blood everywhere.
andronikus: It didn't actually bleed much? I'm not sure what I expected.
The doctor said I didn't hit any arteries, which, yeah. I'd though to say that to him as a joke.
XandraHart: That's good. Hope your pinkie gets well soon.
| 4 | 7 | |
1387839607 | 1387868694 | null | t5_2to41 | 38 | n3gro_amigo: TIFU by earning 2 credit hours of my original 15 I started off with this semester.
I started off with gen bio and chem along with their associated labs, german 2, and theology. I drop the bio and chem lectures along with german 2. I ended up failing gen chem lab and theology. The only class I passed the first semester of my freshman year is gen bio lab and that was with a "D". Which gives me a gpa of 0.333
[deleted]: Uhh... Are they gonna let you stay in the school with that low of a gpa?
ktbird7: Sounds like the OP is headed for academic probation assuming he's not on it already.
I'm genuinely curious how you can screw up that badly on something so important.
Tufari: It happens. You'll probably be put on academic probation which limits the number of courses you can take per semester, so you'll probably be a part time student next year. Get a job, retake those classes (or whatever you're interested in), and don't fuck up the next year. If you are having mental health issues, go seek help and try to get it managed/sorted for when you can take full classes again. If it was too much partying/messing around, then get your shit together and learn from this mistake.
It's not the end of the world. I have friends who failed a bunch of their classes when they were in first year, and they just finished a year later than the people they started school with. Academic probation sucks. It limits the types of courses you can take and the amount, but it's better than dropping out.
| 4 | 9.5 | |
1387849635 | 1387901953 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | maaanda: TIFU by accepting a counterfeit bill
When I had about two hours left of my shift, the server went down (company-wide), forcing a signature on all debit & credit purchases, we couldn't accept giftcards or EBT, and checks were kind of iffy. I had this huge $300 order where the check wouldn't go through, so my manager and I spent 15 minutes trying to figure it out. After we finally figured it out, the person behind them paid with a $100 bill. It looked really old and I used a counterfeit pen on it (which came out dark), but I figured it was just made before the pen was created. (I was really stressed out at this point) I gave him his change (which was around $50), and he went on his way. A little while later, I started getting a sinking feeling that it wasn't real. I asked my manager to look at it, and she said it was counterfeit. I feel so guilty, terrible, and stupid that I let this happen. Hopefully I won't be in too much trouble.. and my manager said she'll talk to the bookkeeper for me tomorrow (she also said that she's made a $1000 mistake once and the bookkeeper just said to be more careful). Blah!
maybeilllurkmore: You'll be good. It was only a $150 loss, if anything it will probably be taken out of your pay but I'm sure they won't even care. Honest mistakes happen.
maaanda: Thank you :)
maybeilllurkmore: Of course! :)
| 4 | 8.75 | |
1387849117 | 1387936924 | null | t5_2to41 | 39 | warshadow: TIFU by getting food poisoning and ruining Christmas.
All started last night with massive puking and shitting myself about 4 hours after eating a steak. 6 hours straight.
Go to the doc today and I get quarantined for 3 days (it's Christmas Eve here in Japan)
So three other families who were coming over to eat dinner tomorrow now can't, I'm not allowed to hold/play with or have contact with my daughter on her first Christmas, and I feel like shit.
XandraHart: That sucks. Hope you feel better soon, though.
warshadow: It's Christmas morning now. Weak beyond belief. Can't climb a flight of stairs without having to rest. But I'm not puking. Going to get a bowl of ramen for lunch. Let's hope it's light enough.
XandraHart: Stay hydrated.
warshadow: Trying to. I will say the 15lbs I've lost is kinda nice.
XandraHart: Well, there's a silver lining to this situation :)
| 6 | 6.5 | |
1387856238 | 1388773129 | null | t5_2to41 | -2 | SingleAsk: I told the girl I like benzodrunk in rage of texts my feelings
SO a couple nights ago I was benzodrinking with my boys and I mistakenly sent the girl I love how I feel she freaked out and didnt feel the same way I did I feel like shit anyone know how long it takes for a heart to heal?
maybeilllurkmore: How old are you, like 12? Go get laid and forget about that shit instead of asking Reddit how long it takes for your butthurt to go away.
boyonthemoon: Shut up
maybeilllurkmore: Go back to the moon, moon boy!
boyonthemoon: Fine....
| 5 | -0.4 | |
1387906554 | 1387912775 | null | t5_2to41 | 299 | [deleted]: TIFU by forcing a fart while running.
There are several commandments of distance running that no one in their right mind should ever violate. A runner should never trust the Friday burrito special in the school cafeteria, nor should they pointlessly jog in place at road crossings. Today, I violated possibly the most sacred rule of running, and I suffered dearly for doing so.
Today, I went out the door for my 16 mile long run, and I felt great through the first 7 or 8 miles. I was blazing through 6-flat miles, and everything seemed to go perfectly. After that though, my body went to shit quite literally. Near 11 miles, in my bloated, delirious state, I tried to force out a fart. At first, the relief was amazing, but it quickly turned into a nightmare when I realized that it was more than just a run of the mill fart. It quickly turned into the step-brothers job interview fart, except with a stream of shit, trapped in my tights, flushing away every bit of self-respect away as it trickled down my legs.
I quickly found myself 5 miles away from home, having shat myself, with every bit of the dirty deed trapped in my pants. To top it off, I was still nearly 5 miles away from home, in 27 degree weather with a wind chill cold enough to form nipplecicles. Since I don’t carry a phone while running, I got to enjoy an 80 minute walk home, giving me plenty of time to contemplate my pitiful condition, and improve my penguin wadding skills. As if it couldn’t get any worse, my grandparents were visiting for Christmas Eve, and I practically killed them with the smell of my shit covered tights when I finally got home. The look on her face when she asked for a hug was possibly the worst look of despair and pity that I have seen on any human being in my life. It looked like her nose was trying its best to turn inside out as she said “In the name of all that is holy, what is that smell?”
Well r/TIFU, that is my colossal fuck up for today. Please excuse me while I go enjoy the consequences of full-blown, four-alarm holiday shitfest.
TL;DR: I shit myself on a run 5 miles from home, I can no longer expect Christmas presents from my grandmother, and I am an expert penguin Waddler. I also reset the counter.
Edit: Added a TL;DR
YesButNoWaitYes: Reddit: Where everyone thinks you're too old to shit your pants...until it happens.
XCGod: My innocence has been shattered.
Soccadude123: No tldr? C'mon dude some of us rely on those.
XCGod: Thanks, I added one
Soccadude123: OP delivered!
XCGod: If only I was there to open the safe
| 7 | 42.714286 | |
1387905667 | 1387927308 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,537 | MDPPatrick: TIFU by diving for my bed and missing.
This was technically 12 something in the morning but still. Anyways I'm coming home from a pre-christmas party and I'm tired as fuck. So I'll do what anyone would do, I'll go straight to bed. I turned the lights off, turned my heater on and left the room to go take a piss and also for the room to warm up a little. I'm done taking the most heavenly piss of all time and I head back to my room. (**got a muthafuckin temperpedic**) I enter my room and I'm too lazy to turn on the lights to see my bed and I'm pretty sure I know where it is anyway. **DEAD WRONG.**I dove for my bed and I ended up face planting my dresser.
AMA_About_You: Bedside lamps are miracle workers. First thing on, last thing off when I'm getting in and out of bed.
For someone like you, it sounds like a motion sensor light would do the trick. No muss no fuss.
MrRedSeedless: Touch. Lamps. They are the best lamp for nightstands. No fumbling around for a switch, just touch any conducive part of the lamp and it turns on and off.
MotoNomad: Have we all forgotten about the clapper?!
corann52: I don't think I would want a strobe light going while doing stuff with my gf...
Lord_Vader_The_Hater: She giggles and claps when you take your pants off? That's just cold...
corann52: well I mean, its better than bursting into tears right?
Lord_Vader_The_Hater: At least tears lubricate.
corann52: http://imgur.com/r/reactiongifs/JQB7k
ONE_ANUS_FOR_ALL: YES
| 10 | 153.7 |
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