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|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1386610825 | 1386624038 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | ZakRoM: TIFU by hooking up with my friend's sister
It was actually Saturday/Sunday night. I was at this local club party when suddenly I realized a girl dancing in front of me is watching me a lot. As time passes I started like trying to start a conversation but it was difficult because of the loud music. She started to get closer and closer until was basically dancing with me, one thing to another and we started kissing.
One of the guys I was with (he doesn't know my friend) took a couple of pictures and send them to a WhatsApp group I'm in, but a friend of mine resend it to another group where my friend is. As soon as he saw the picture he recognized her sister. I knew he had a sister but I had never seen her, and I had no clue that she was my friend's sister, although I have a small suspicious that she knew who I was.
I think my friend ain't that mad but I don't know for sure, I just hopes this doesn't fucks up anything.
I know for some people this ain't a big thing, and well I really don't care who my sister hooks up with, but lots of people, almost all of my friends, are very protective about their sisters.
tl;dr: Hooked up with a friend's sister without knowing. He knew about it because of a picture.
imhereforthevotes: So? Are you so bad she needs to be protected from you? Or are you more worried about your friendship? You're not at fault, man. It's on him - he wasn't protecting his sister.
LiirFlies: Why is he supposed to be protecting his sister? In some situations absolutely, but here?
imhereforthevotes: I have no idea. The OP seems to think that hookup's brother should be or will be protective. The OP seems to think he's fucked up when he hasn't at all. He's projecting something onto his buddy, but even then, it still shouldn't be his fault.
| 4 | 3 | |
1386601563 | 1386673891 | null | t5_2to41 | 65 | ChexWarrior: TIFU By Letting a Non-redditor overhear a conversation about /r/animalporn (SFW!)
Sigh... There is a nice old lady who works in the office across from mine who I greeted and chatted with on a daily basis. However, one day I was talking with a co-worker (also a redditor) about the SFW porn network on reddit, specifically r/animalporn, and she overheard me say that... Now she won't talk to me, let alone even glance in my direction, unless its to give me a dirty look. I think she thinks I'm into beastiality... Damnit reddit! Why? Why does the SFW porn network have to be called porn...
djanuz: Can't you just.... tell her?
ChexWarrior: I'm trying to think of a good way to explain it... "Hey remember that time when I was talking about animal porn? Well..." I feel like it may get weird at that point lol.
RodzillaPT: Show her a post. Back to the sub directory, show her the name. tell her she's into animal porn. Profit.
| 4 | 16.25 | |
1386624996 | 1386646077 | null | t5_2to41 | 43 | Alastus: Tifu by missing a final.
So, this happened earlier today. I had had Mexican food for lunch about 2 hours ago. My final started about an hour ago and by the worst luck, I've gotten the worst food poisoning I've ever had. Like, I'm spewing out both ends and can't stop. Looks like I'm retaking that class.
MegaCharizardY: Definitely message the prof. Most are pretty understanding when it comes to that kind of stuff
Alastus: I have messaged him and he won't accept any make up exams because it was stated in the syllabus that if you miss for any reason, you can't make it up.
MegaCharizardY: That's pretty unreasonable :( There's no way you could have planned to be sick another time. Can you try the department head or dean? They might be able to overrule your profs decision. :)
Alastus: I'm just gonna retake and do super well for gpa purposes. That'll show him. Lol
MegaCharizardY: Best of luck to you :) I hope you ace it!!
| 6 | 7.166667 | |
1386631512 | 1386659545 | null | t5_2to41 | 39 | [deleted]: TIFU my roommate by thinking he was showering
Let me preface by saying this was truly an honest mistake and I would think it's 25% his fault, 15% circumstances, and the rest my fault.
It's finals week and I sleep on the top bunk. He was supposed to wake up this morning at 8 to make his final at 9. His alarm went off and woke me up, but he didn't make any movements to turn it off (heavy sleeper). I rolled over and looked down at the lower bunk and saw that his bed was empty. I hear the shower going so I assumed he woke up before the alarm and went to take a shower. I didn't have any finals until the afternoon so I turned off his alarm and went back to bed.
I woke up to a loud expletive being uttered and a mad scrambling out the door by my dear roommate. Apparently, he rolled over to the very edge of the bed against the wall so when I looked down, I couldn't see him. The sound of showering was my other roommate staying in the other room. It also didn't help that he was completely burrito'ed into his comforter so I couldn't even see him when I went to turn off his alarm...
Now that I got this vented out, I can concentrate on my own finals...
[deleted]: Ultimately its his responsibility to be up and at em. Sure you could have helped with a little more awareness but your roommate needs to get it together.
hwallaby: Dude, the guy set an alarm and was probably going to wake up eventually. That is like having a kid and kicking them in the nuts as they walk out the door because its their responsibility to have a good day.
[deleted]: I dont know where you live where people go around kicking their kids in the nuts but thats dangerous.
hwallaby: I live in Nebraska. (That should clear it up.)
| 5 | 7.8 | |
1386629182 | 1387561795 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: tifu; Reddit I fucked up by not being a good little Jester!!!!!
I never thought I can top killing the class pet (by accident) but I did.
I was a Jester for some Christmas parade, that's easy, right? Wrong, not for me.
The thing is, I hated being a Jester, and I was cold, hunger, and bored. When some guys offered me to go with them and 'borrow' a ATV to drive around the parade, I did the responsible thing, and responded with "sure why not!"
Somehow drinks got involved and some other fun stuff... is this the time to mention I was volunteering under the regional police?
Anyways, this one guy is driving around, everyone thinks we're part of the parade because, well therese a Jester in a Christmas decorated ATV being driven by some guys in Santa hats. While trying to peak through a huge tractor trailer (wheels were bigger than the ATV) he accidentally hit the wheel. Lucky us we didnt get ran over, but the Trailer guy did go the other way and drove the trailer right though a hot dog stand, a rather large Christmas tree, a bunch of candy canes for the kids, and cracked the window of... you guessed it, the regional police centre (the whole thing is pretty much windows) By some Christmas luck, no one was hurt, just a very pissed hotdog vender.
Wearing the Jester mask, I bolted for it, and joined the parade. All the Jesters were lined up and demanded who did it... the boys I was with went to jail and are being charged.
Im so scared that somehow they will figure out it was me! There were a few dozen Jesters, all wearing the same thing. As for me, I was thrown off of the ATV when we hit the wheel and have the worst headache, also I can not put pressure on my leg, but I do not want to get help yet because of the chances of of getting caught. I think it was just the adrenaline in me that allowed me to walk on like nothing happen, and no one noticed anything at the police station when us Jesters were lined up.
TL;DR Went with some guys while volunteering with the police, ruined Christmas for a bunch of families and some hot dog vender, I think my leg is sprained and I have a concussion but I don't want to go to jail so im writing this instead.
BurritoBandito5: Wait a day or two to see how your leg is. If it still hurts, go to the doctor saying you slipped and fell outside.
patzzo: that's what I'm going with, and same with my head. I didn't go to school today cuz of it. I do not know how I managed to walk from the parade, to office, and drive back home with it..
lostdeceiver: Update?
patzzo: Glad you asked. I think it mostly passed. There was a small column on the news talking about the incident but I live in a fuck all area, where this is nothing. Anyways I went to the walk-in clinic 4 days after. I said I fell though glass and my leg hurt. My knee is fucked up but I waited too long to do anything, but he says it'll heal over time, I randomly get sharp pains when walking. Also when doing a secondary check, he found this cut on the back of my arm that I didn't even know existed. I should of gotten stiches but its too late for that too. I think its from the glass, idk, just surprised no one noticed it. Head is fine just still hurts like a bitch! DX
TL;DR: I learned my lesson
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1386642456 | 1386815558 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | ablasteddburrito: TIFU by telling the girl I like that I shaved my ass
Well today started off like any normal day for a teenager. Wake up, go to school, come home. But when I got home no one else was home, which is unusual because at least one of my brothers are home or my parents will sometimes make it home before me. My two brothers were working and my parents got a flat tire on the way home from work ( they work together.) So since I was home alone I took advantage and played music loud, played video games and ate junk food. Lastly I showered and did a little manscaping and then I had the brilliant idea of shaving my ass. Don't ask why because I don't have a reason. I'm wtfing about it too. And just a few minutes ago I meant to text my friend about it to get a laugh but my crushes contact was right under his and accident sent it to her.
TL;DR shaved my ass whilst home alone, accidently told girl I like instead of buddy
Cproo12: Blame a friend.
ablasteddburrito: I'm talking but cheeks, like I got bad road rash
Cproo12: Lol. I meant say it was a friend who texted that to her. Not a friend who shaves your cheeks.
ablasteddburrito: Oops! Wrong reply! Sorry, mobile iz hurd 2 uze
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1386631052 | 1386682529 | null | t5_2to41 | 175 | hdawg19: TIFU by forgetting my jeans have a hole in them.
So I have this really tatty old pair of jeans that have a hole in the crotch area. The hole has worn in them because I use them for cycling. I use them whenever I cycle to university, because I don't want my newer jeans to get the same hole.
Me being a lazy student, my laundry is a day overdue, and so I thought it wouldn't hurt to go commando for a day and I would wash my clothes when I got home. I didn't realise what was going to happen at the time, but I think you can see where this is going.
I got to uni, and went to my lecture. I was a bit early, and there was a group of my friends sitting around waiting. I took one of the seats and slouched down as I normally do. At that moment my dick fell out through the hole in my jeans, and everyone saw. Everyone. I tried to sit up and cover it, but I wasn't quick enough.
naryn: This almost happened to me (right now actually), my jeans have a hole in the back of them and I'm going commando (no laundry too)
However I've luckily got a coat that drops over it, so I can hide it
LazarusBroject: Coat hides it? Then let willy-eye'd Pete go for a dip of fresh air, or if you're feeling *risque~* take the coat off and hang it with your man-rack.
naryn: Luckily it's in the back not the front
LazarusBroject: Ahhh well then you're shit outta luck, friend.
| 5 | 35 | |
1386647425 | 1386654579 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | desperatethrowawayer: TIFU by sexting an ex-girlfriend
I'm with my current girlfriend, and I love her very much, and very attracted to her in every way. While she was at work, I decided to check up on an ex-gf just to see how she was doing. This escalated into her sending me nudes. And I didn't want them to stop. Something about her body always drove me wild, but she had a shitty personality. I feel really guilty.
What do I do, Reddit?
bmckelv: forward me the nudes
desperatethrowawayer: You could probably see why this would be a bad idea...
[deleted]: No, no, it's for science you see
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1386650861 | 1386699209 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | Alexiel17: TIFU by putting my username in my Secret Santa cards
It is the first time I did Secret Santa in reddit, so I didn't knew exactly what the deal was, and stupidly put my username in the cards of the gifts of my giftee, I mean, I screw the shit out of the "Secret" Santa :(
notalurker99: I know who my secret santa is. Couldn't care less. And my giftee knows who I am.
Alexiel17: Well, if he liked the gifts and is happy about it, I guess it's ok then.
| 3 | 5 | |
1386656993 | 1387767011 | null | t5_2to41 | 46 | wheelchair_boxing: TIFU by helping my friend cheat on her girlfriend
Last night I attended my bar's Christmas party. My coworker, who I am very good friends with, and I decide to head back to her apartment to drink until the sun comes up. Once we arrive she asks me to drive her to the other side of the complex to knock on her friend's door. I oblige, said friend was asleep (it was 4 am), and I hope that would be the end of it. Nope. She calls and my coworker asks her bluntly "do you want to get laid?" Turns out that worked. I drove her over and tried to go home. She begged me to stay so I can hear; even promised a handjob which I turned down. Anyway we go inside. My coworker seduces her friend and they head off to the bedroom. A few minutes later I hear moaning but fall asleep. An hour later my coworker wakes me up to leave. This morning my coworkers girlfriend wakes me up with breakfest. It was the guiltiest I've felt in years. All day I've been filled with regret wishing I wasn't so drunk and easily influenced. I fear at some point in a future relationship something like this will happen to me. If it does I have it coming.
[deleted]: Is it just me or was that confusing as fuck?
wheelchair_boxing: I didn't stop my coworker from cheating on her girlfriend.
[deleted]: Woah, I thought your coworker was a girl...
wheelchair_boxing: She is. She's a lesbian.
[deleted]: Ok, that could greatly improved the legibility of the story
PlentyofFishinthePee: When a girl has a girlfriend, it's not exactly a novel concept that she might bat for Ellen's team. I had no trouble reading this.
| 7 | 6.571429 | |
1386653666 | 1386693904 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | goodassamy: TIFU by being rude to a coworker in front of my other coworkers
We were sitting around estimating our work for the next week because that's how we plan. After a while, our designers came over to explain something. Blah blah blah, we eventually started to understand it. I made a comment about what they had written down. "Well, it's semantics, but you get the idea. It's blah blah blah." And I said "Typically semantics are used to communicate ideas, but I'm with you." Apparently this was quite rude and not helpful to the conversation.
I meant it as a joke, like, well, you're a dumb ass, but let's figure it out. I think it came across that I was immature and just an asshole. :-(
so I will try to do better tomorrow.
(this also bothers me because I was also not on my best behavior throughout the estimation meeting, so this was sort of the coup de grace.)
[deleted]: I went to this fancy dinner with el wife. *Everybody* there made a million plus per year; it was just that kind of crowd. We all got seated, then the guy beside me blatantly stares at the tits of the woman across the table and loudly says "niiiiiiiiice." Her and her husband and the rest if the table noticed. That got awkward fast...
skatterbug: Money does not by taste or class.
slappyslug: NO. But It does buy NIIIIIIIIIIICE Tits to stare at!
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1386658662 | 1386719815 | null | t5_2to41 | 55 | thetyh: TIFU Making myself look like an idiot at McDonalds after an All-Nighter
Today, after pulling an all-nighter studying for exams, I decided to take my sleeping medicine (Restoril) at 11 AM. After I slept for a little while, my body must have decided to wander around the Fraternity house and accept whatever everyone was doing. The rest of this is what I have learned from my friends. I ended up smoking a few bowls (i never smoke) and going to McDonalds with a buddy. Apparently while I was on the way to McDonalds I was convinced my parents were with us and I had to make sure they got out of the car. They weren't at all. They live 3 hours away. My buddy that was with me live tweeted the events that happened on the way and he insists that everything is true. After I ordered, I attempted to order a drink again. Not once, but three times. Then after I had a large drink I got mad at the manager for not allowing "little people" the rights to ordering large drinks. (I don't remember going to McDonalds at all). He also said that on the way back home I crafted a plan that included hula-hoops and my scholarship money to get the answers to one of my exams. Being an engineer, I also insisted that the force of a human in front of a car was no where near the force of the car and calculated the equations based on pascal-cars (low friction engineering toys for those who don't know). I finally got back to my room and my girlfriend came over. Apparently she gave me head (which i don't remember) and then we had sex later on. Luckily i remember the last part. I then went back to sleep, and finally woke up again at mid-night to go and pull another all nighter.
TL;DR I insisted that "little people" have the same rights to large cups as average people do.
vgalosky: Whats the point of an all nighter if you dont do shit during the day, but just studying at night? You're just replacing day with night.
Goblif: I was asking myself the same thing, maybe he planned to sleep for just a few hours in the morning and then continue studying througout the day?
steel_shot: Why not just take a nap then? Probably can't do much studying while on sleeping meds.
He's basically doing graveyard shifts of studying...
| 4 | 13.75 | |
1386680821 | 1386707800 | null | t5_2to41 | 122 | Thexorretor: TIFU by ignoring a fire alarm and removing the batteries
I chopped a bunch of wood, stacked it inside, and a fire in my stove to heat my little house at 8000 ft in Colorado. My stove is pretty small, so I tried to put a big piece of wood in but it wouldn't fit.
As I got ready to go to bed, I noticed that I could smell a slight burning. Normally my stove is completely odorless. But it wasn't much, just like some incense. I got out of bed, checked the stove and didn't notice anything out of the ordinary. Back to bed.
Three hours later, I'm woken by my fire alarm. The smoky odor is still there. I checked the stove again and it looks fine. The fire alarm is still going, so I remove the batteries.
An hour later, I'm woken by a second fire alarm. The house is full of smoke. My eyes are tearing. I rushed to the stove. It's perfectly fine. Instead the stack of firewood next to it is smoldering. The log that didn't fit was the culprit. It caught a spark and spread to the others. The three logs had become glowing embers.
I carried the smoky wood outside and dumped it in snow bank. The house is still smoky and now cold after trying to air it out and my list of dumb shit not to do again is a little bit longer.
[deleted]: Sounds like it could easily have caught your house on fire, which it didn't, so you've got that going for you...
tokewithnick: yeah or passed out from all the smoke
eigenvectorseven: Pretty sure asphyxiation is the most common cause of death in house fires. OP is damn fortunate.
| 4 | 30.5 | |
1386684554 | 1386742062 | null | t5_2to41 | 4,562 | iamMess: TIFU by using my personal skype account for a business call instead of my work acccount
I currently work in a It-consultant firm where we use Skype as our main form of communication.
Today I took my laptop to work, since I wanted to watch some netflix during my break. Instead of using my work computer I used my personal. So after my break, I sit down to do some more work, when my manager asks if I can participate in conference call with my boss and some of the upper management, I tell him that I'm on my personal computer, but can add me by using my name as username.
So a couple of minutes after I get the invite and I accept. So far everything is fine, when suddenly one of the guys from upper management (not the one who invited to the call), says "Who the fuck is TITLER?". That's when it hit me, I really fucked up. I forgot that I have that silly displayname and a pretty fucked up [picture](http://imgur.com/4ij4Knk) to accompany it (NSFW).
So now my boss is kinda pissed, and HR possibly wants to talk with me soonish.
TL;DR: My boss doesn't like tits with mustaches.
EDIT: UPDATE POSTED [HERE!](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1smr5a/tifu_update_titlers_kampf_mit_hr/)
EDIT 2: TIFU of the week! Thanks for the support and the nazi jokes.
ErrorlessGnome: Since it's a personal laptop you probably can't get in too much trouble besides a reprimand for being an idiot.
Tittler is hilarious though, so, worth it.
[deleted]: /r/titler
oliman22: I did not expect that to exist.. ಠ_ಠ
BenjaminGeiger: I did not expect that link to be purple.
future_dolphin: [/r/midgetporn](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1sjpsn/tifu_by_using_my_personal_skype_account_for_a/)
threat_level: /r/dragonsfuckingcars
Antrikshy: /r/personaldogreasons
/r/childrenfallingover
threat_level: As a parent AND a teacher I feel truly horrible for how hard I laughed at /r/ChildrenFallingOver. I am a terrible person.
For an extra dose of schadenfreude it turns out there's also /r/PeopleFalling though predictably many of the people there are also children, clumsy little things that they are.
Antrikshy: I don't know why it's so funny to see little kids fall over.
threat_level: Do you seriously need me to explain slapstick humor to you? Hell, you probably don't even like mechanized dragon sex...
Antrikshy: I meant to say "Haha, yeah, I don't know why it's so funny to see little kids fall over."
I mean, I find it funny too.
threat_level: But at least we have the decency to feel a little bad about it, right?
Antrikshy: A little bit.
threat_level: In all fairness some of those parents straight troll their own kids. Warn my precious darling that they're about to fall on their face? Hell no, the cameras already rolling...
| 15 | 304.133333 | |
1386692781 | 1386706449 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | donttapon: TIFU by forgetting to tap on the metro line.
I honestly can't remember the last time I was this stupid. Last night I parked half a mile away for a convention then when I finally got there, there was plenty of parking because the convention had ended the day before, lovely. Then I didn't notice the sign or the sidewalk which had a 24 min only painted on it because it was so dark outside, and I assumed since it was after 7 that I could park there no problem. I come back to my car 40 minutes later and there it was, a shiny white envelope with a $50 fine. Great. Whatever it was my fault for not checking. Then today I went on the metro line, loaded my tap card with the fare, but then in my rush to grab the train I forgot to tap on. Being met with some officers, I just landed myself another $75 ticket less than 12 hours from my last one. I feel so fucking idiotic, and I'm unemployed right now so I don't have the money to pay the damn things. I literally have 300 bucks in my bank account right now. FML.
omg_IAMA_girl: Metro where? You might be able to contest it. You have electronic evidence you put money on your card, that shows that you had intentions of paying. Just look around to see if you can ask for a one-time exemption. If you've always paid in the past, just ask someone for a one-time brain-fart excuse and don't do it again.
donttapon: It was in LA, I have a receipt, the officer didn't care. Do you think I can still fight it?
Metallio: Officers who don't care can't be reasoned with, but there's always a supervisor (or judge depending on the process) somewhere who deals with people doing stupid things...and they're *usually* more reasonable. If you go in embarrassed and sheepishly ask for forgiveness because you're broke, acknowledging that you're an idiot, they'll usually smile and get rid of the fine.
...of course, it might be a total waste of time but it's worth a shot.
| 4 | 8.5 | |
1386701450 | 1386725837 | null | t5_2to41 | 241 | What_Is_Outside: TIFU by being a cold horny teenager with a microwave. [NSFW]
Today was a cold rainy day where I live. Recently, the heat in my house has been malfunctioning causing a cold discomfort anywhere outside my bed where I can remain covered in a pile of blankets. I was on my phone when I came across a few nude images and that caused me to have a desire to ferociously masturbate.
So, I went into the bathroom and grabbed some kleenex, sat down at my desk, loaded up some porn, put some headphones in, lathered myself in vaseline (finishing up the bottle) and began a very quick masturbation session, as I had to go to work soon. Well, it was so cold in my room that I was struggling to remain erect making it kind of a miserable time as I had made my mind up to release my bodily fluids.
I then had an idea to warm up some lubricant in my microwave to keep my genitals at a warmer temperature and thought it would feel good. I went downstairs, poured some lube in a cup, heated it up for 10 seconds, and headed back to my desk. My whole idea was if water isn't so hot after 10 seconds in the microwave, lube wouldn't be either. (Completely forgetting about the fact that water takes longer to heat up due to hydrogen bonds breaking, etc. etc.)
I pour the warm lubricant amongst myself, as I began to realize just how hot it was. A scream of agony let out as the shaft of my skin sword was just covered by what felt like a lava flow of lube. My region was completely scorched making it the most painful erection (and ejaculation) I have ever experienced.
Shortly after my mom came home and asked what the smell was, why there was lube in the sink and on the microwave, and then laughed at me once I told her I fried my genitals.
KaptainObvious217: Really thought he figured out a way to beat off while shoving his dick in the microbe or something but this was still funny
What_Is_Outside: Nah, i'm not that intelligent. Not a bad idea though...
Using the microwave as a space heater rather.
Edit:clarity
Epikmunch: It's a good idea.....
..................
If you want to get cancer......
TheBanger: If your microwave is capable of causing cancer, then you should stop trying to use an x-ray machine to heat your food.
Epikmunch: All microwaves are capable. The increased radiation being let out could potentially result in cancer if left for long periods of time (aka running it for hours on end)
TheBanger: Not really, no. Microwaves are a type of non-ionizing radiation, which has no statistical link to cancer. You would burn to death before any damage was dealt to your DNA.
mobius_sp: This is accurate. I wouldn't advocate jimmying with your microwave to make a space heater. You won't die of radiation poisoning, but rather to burns across your body. It would be like getting exposed to a laser for a long period of time. In fact, a weapons system using MASERs was tested a number of decades ago, it was based on powerful microwaves... they didn't kill you through cancers, they killed you through heat effects (H.G. Wells heat ray, anyone?) The weapon system was scrapped due mainly to problems with portability and cost effectiveness (bullets and missiles are cheaper apparently.)
[Food and Drug Administration quotes:](http://www.fda.gov/radiation-emittingproducts/resourcesforyouradiationemittingproducts/ucm252762.htm)
> Microwaves are a form of "electromagnetic" radiation; that is, they are waves of electrical and magnetic energy moving together through space...** Microwaves fall into the radio frequency band of electromagnetic radiation. Microwaves should not be confused with x-rays, which are more powerful**...
> A Federal standard limits the amount of microwaves that can leak from an oven throughout its lifetime to 5 milliwatts (mW) of microwave radiation per square centimeter at approximately 2 inches from the oven surface. This limit is far below the level known to harm people. **Microwave energy also decreases dramatically as you move away from the source of radiation.** A measurement made 20 inches from an oven would be approximately one one-hundredth of the value measured at 2 inches...
> Much research is under way on microwaves and how they might affect the human body. **It is known that microwave radiation can heat body tissue the same way it heats food. Exposure to *high levels of microwaves* can cause a painful burn.** The lens of the eye is particularly sensitive to intense heat, and exposure to high levels of microwaves can cause cataracts. Likewise, the testes are very sensitive to changes in temperature. Accidental exposure to high levels of microwave energy can alter or kill sperm, producing temporary sterility. **But these types of injuries - burns, cataracts, temporary sterility - can only be caused by exposure to large amounts of microwave radiation**, much more than the 5mW limit for microwave oven leakage.
| 8 | 30.125 | |
1386713959 | 1386783576 | null | t5_2to41 | 44 | dralcax: TIFU by using my roommate's computer
My laptop was in the hands of a more technologically savvy friend after an unfortunate virus and my roommate was using his own laptop. I REALLY needed to check my email. So I figured I would ask him if I could use his laptop. He said yes and let me use it. I pressed Ctrl+T to open a new tab, but accidentally pressed Ctrl+Shift+T instead, opening the recently closed tab. It was... yeah... Let's just say I learned way too much about what kind of porn he was into.
TL;DR: What can be seen cannot be unseen.
[deleted]: Please share what you saw
dralcax: http://i.imgur.com/SH4zrgU.jpg
iwishiwasaneagle: I am guessing some video of a man cutting off his wood? [Pain Olympics [NSFL]](http://www.painolympics.org/)?
zoot1: How do you manage to find these sites...
Don't have the guts to click it..
Blue it shall remain.
iwishiwasaneagle: A friend of a friend's cousin's sister's uncle twice removed heard whispers of it.
zoot1: Yeah...I knew that would be the case ...
Just one question ...this far removed uncle of yours...how does he tackles malwares and viruses ??
iwishiwasaneagle: By the waist.
zoot1: Well...I loled
iwishiwasaneagle: ಠ_ಠ
| 10 | 4.4 | |
1386720595 | 1386785539 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my friend I had plans to commit suicide
Not sure if i fucked up more by buying a lot of painkillers or by confessing it to my friend who has his own worries
Money_Pockets: You didn't fuck up...you should tell someone so you can get help. Trust me, I've attempted it twice. Took me a while to get to where I am now. I'm now extremely happy with life and never want to try something like that again. Please don't choose that path...it causes those you love so much pain. If you need to talk don't hesitate to pm me. I know were strangers but at least this way it's anonymous. Who knows...maybe I can help.
bunghole95: I couldn't agree more. I spent two years bullied to the point where I would cry about going and was in a deep depression. I tried to commit suicide no less than 6 times in a year and am happy now that my family stopped me. Now I'm in a better place and relive that the best thing to get better is to tell someone
Money_Pockets: Wow...that must have been difficult. Really happy you're doing well now!
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1386721434 | 1386769459 | null | t5_2to41 | 56 | ccklau: TIFU by eating two boxes of Fibre 1 bars
I lost a bet with my friends and I had to consume 10 bars of Fibre 1 bars which consisted of over 250% daily recommended intake of fibre in one sitting. I cannot stop leaking poo and I am constantly farting the most boisterous and vile farts I have ever heard. Now my roommates are standing outside my door laughing as I've been on the toilet for an hour now.
Gamerguy_141297: Sigh, you guys never learn, do you?
http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1an9bh/tifu_by_eating_3_boxes_of_fiber_one_bars/
oskarw85: But it were only TWO boxes instead of three!
Gamerguy_141297: Even one box would have my ass screaming
| 4 | 14 | |
1386708842 | 1386747478 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | eigenvectorseven: TIFU by sleeping in through a house inspection
I rent; lived in the place a few years. Got a letter a week earlier saying a house inspection would happen in the morning at about 9:30. Kind of shitty, cause I've just finished uni for the year and I usually sleep in during breaks. The real estate agent has a key but I set an alarm and aimed to be up and ready anyway, obviously.
Well I ended up playing Civ V a wee bit late into the night, and woke up at midday with my bedroom door open. Cursed myself, got up, and found the agent's card on the kitchen bench. I can only assume she walked in thinking no one was home after no one answered the door, only to walk in on me in peaceful slumber. At least it makes it less awkward for me that I wasn't conscious; still feel shitty that I made someone else's day awkward though.
ChemicalTuberTV: What was on the card?
eigenvectorseven: Just a business card.
| 3 | 6 | |
1386722957 | 1386794518 | null | t5_2to41 | 51 | xlSQUIZZlx: TIFU by posting a gross inside joke to my newsfeed instead of to a group of close friends
So…
My friends and I who used to play video games together in high school wanted to stay in touch, so we created a Facebook group. Theres like 18 of us, and we all have the same stupid and weird sense of humor. Little time is actually spent talking about games, and its just turned into a group where we post funny pics and gifs, and just act retarded.
One of our long running jokes is that one of the kids joked about boning his dog Coco. So when we aren't posting stupid shit like that one weird gif of the computer animated boner or other shit like that, we post links to fake dog porn sites in the comments (that nobody ever clicks on, I hope) when the conversation starts to get off topic. Don't ask me why that happens, from outside our group nobody else would find that funny and I know that.
Which leads me to the day where I fucked up. My friend posted in the group:
"hello first one to click this link gets to redeem batman: arkham asylum GOTY on steam wowie wow wow [insert link]"
So I immediately took that opportunity to reword his post by posting:
"hello first one to click this link gets to redeem Dreamy Doggies on Dogporn(.com) wowie wow wow [insert fake dog porn link]"
I was sure the post went to that group, because when I looked at the screen the last three posts I saw were from my friends to that same group. But I was wrong. It was my newsfeed…
I didn't notice until my phone started blowing up, and that's when I had a terrible sinking feeling. I immediately deleted it, followed by a post that said I clicked on some weird side bar link that must have hacked my profile. Nobody knows the truth but people in that group, but I was ridiculously embarrassed that my friends and family saw that on my feed. That whole day was just a mess of trying to explain to people that that wasn't me (even though it was).
Lesson of the day: Don't ever post dog porn links, real or fake. Or just don't be an idiot. Either works
SoyPopo: Dude.
My friends were doing that in class, shit like www.fetusfisters.com
I really hope none them are real websites because it was some fucked up shit.
Doom_Taco: That link is blue and it shall stay blue.
SoyPopo: Eh, it's not real anyway :)
ChemicalTuberTV: Dare me to click?
SoyPopo: Go nuts, if you haven't already of course :P
ChemicalTuberTV: Not real. It will look weird on my web logs
mobius_sp: I clicked at work, just to give our IT manager fits. Not real, very disappointed. Would not click again 03/10.
ChemicalTuberTV: Oops! Google Chrome could not find www.fetusfisters.com
| 9 | 5.666667 | |
1386732407 | 1386946820 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU when I realized wearing a retainer is actually important.
So I've been wearing my retainer off and on since I got my braces off over a year ago. I figured it was fine; if I didn't wear it for a couple of days I could just pop it in later and my teeth would correct themselves. At one point I even went two weeks without wearing it and had no problem when I began using it again.
Skip to today when, after not wearing it for over a week, the lower retainer no longer fits. A front tooth is slightly twisted and preventing the retainer from fitting. I just realized how stupid it was to skip wearing it. The fact that my teeth hurt whenever I began wearing it following a several-day break should have been enough to convince me to stop skipping; but alas, I was stupid.
schizophrenictornado: oops..i havent worn mine in about a few months..
JMLOddity: I wore mine once, almost choked, got too freaked out to ever wear it again. It's been 4 years, and my teeth are still straight.
schizophrenictornado: yeah my teeth werent that bad to begin with so i think ill be straight
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1386738534 | 1386772141 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | rps215: TIFU by Being Late for An Exam
In one of my classes, (community college) we had a take home exam, and I swear that in the email that had the questions AND in class my professor said it was due at 2:30 (or anytime from 2:30 to 3:45) on Tuesday. I get to class at 3, after doing some double checking of my answers, only to find that my professor's door was not only closed & locked, but had the light off. I freaked out, paced around and walked around the building a couple of times looking for my professor, assuming that he had to be at school still on an exam day.
No luck. I email him, explaining the situation and asking if there is anything I can do. At this point, I'm just praying he doesn't give me a zero. I have a great chance of making an A in the class, and if I got a zero on the final I did for hours, I would not only be devastated, but likely would not get into any 4 year school because of the likely GPA drop-off.
For 20 minutes I was just refreshing my email. No answer. I then go to re-read the email he sent out of the exam, only to find out our exam isn't until Thursday. I didn't know what to think, and didn't feel instant relief. I just sat there thinking "hm, that just happened". So I leave to go work out, knowing I have no purpose being at school anymore, and am just feeling like an absolute idiot emailing him begging for his mercy for me being late to turn in the exam. So the whole drive to the gym all I can think about is how stupid he must think I am.
Fast forward to 6 and a half hours later. At 9:30 I email him saying "Hi Professor ___, please disregard my last email as I misread the due date. With that being said, I plan on investing in a calendar."
He responds in 5 minutes, and not only did he never get the original email of me begging for mercy, but he did not find my joke funny. I also could have sworn that I sent both emails to everyone in my class, which would have been a downright nightmare. Luckily, the disaster was avoided.
TL;DR: I am illiterate
TheJackal8: He sounds rude.
dinosaurkickdrop: Agreed. While I can understand some professors being annoyed at excessive emailing, I've screwed up a few times and during my frantic emailing made more mistakes. My professors have been forgiving and most usually laugh at the humor to combat panic
TheJackal8: So far I haven't had to email my professors for anything like that but they all seemed nice when it came to talking about emailing in lecture. One professor would talk about the emails he was getting in order to answer everyone's questions.
| 4 | 8.75 | |
1386747774 | 1386913599 | null | t5_2to41 | 90 | whiteboynigga: TIFU by sexting my dad.
I'm sure we've all done this at one point in time. You have a few conversations in your inbox and accidentally send a message to the wrong person, usually not a big deal. Well, this one might be.
Some background here, my dad is ultra conservative, pretty religious, and never been the type I can talk to about sex or anything. Let me put it this way, I'm 20 years old and I'm still not allowed to curse around him, at all.
Enough background, here's the text I meant to send my girlfriend:
"Dude the only thing I've been able to think about today is how sexy you looked in your work clothes, that nearly transparent white long sleeve shirt and your tight yoga pants that's make your ass look phenomenal, ugh. All I could think about is how I want to slip them off like I did the other night and slide my fingers into you so I can hear you moan in pleasure. I was thinking that it's been too long since I've fucked you while I used the vibrator on your clit and made you climax as I cum inside you. Maybe we'll find some time tomorrow and I'll fuck you like you deserve, my dirty little slut ;)"
I sent it to him 20 minutes ago, he hasn't replied. I'll update.
iwant2livein_skyrim: Oh wow. That's pretty bad.
whiteboynigga: Yeeeeaaaaah. Give me your number and I'll sext you some sexy Skyrim shit. (Haha, alliteration)
ChemicalTuberTV: Chemicaltubetv@gmail.com on iMessage :D
ChemicalTuberTV: Day 1: so far I have gotten no random texts from redditors. I'm staying in touch.
whiteboynigga: No iMessage for me (android) but hopefully you like my email :)
ChemicalTuberTV: What is it?
whiteboynigga: Skyrim porn...
ChemicalTuberTV: HAHA
| 9 | 10 | |
1386745003 | 1387614402 | null | t5_2to41 | 82 | [deleted]: TIFU by making a brony joke while trying to come out to my mom.
I DON'T EVEN LIKE MLP.
I'm not sure if I find this hilarious or mortifying, but it is a prime example of my sheer dumbassery.
I'm a nineteen-year-old female and I identify as asexual (oh yes, what a speshul snowflake I am, hur hur hur), but I have only talked about it to a few people. I think it is kind of stupid to have to 'come out' about not being sexually attracted to anyone, but I feel like people could understand me better if they understood that aspect of me. So I have been sort of prepping my mom for a conversation about it over the last few months, finding reasons to bring up asexuality in every day conversation or whatever. In the past few months she has also learned about bronies or ~cloppers~ or whatever on the internet (which was another really awkward conversation to have with my mother).
So with the idea of asexuality (and unfortunately the weird[er] side of the MLP fanbase) ingrained in my mother's head, a perfect opportunity arose in the car this evening. We were on the subject of my shitty ex's shitty mother constantly harassing me to get birth control, when she asked what was wrong with my ex that he never wanted to have sex. I tried to explain to her that he *definitely* did, and said "I don't actually feel sexual attraction to anyone," OH MY GOD THAT AWKWARD SILENCE THOUGH. I don't know how many seconds passed, probably not enough before I busted out with "except ponies!!" Very smooth, yes I know.
Now normally the look of shock and disgust on her face would be amusing, but at this moment it was not. She wasn't laughing, I couldn't even fake a laugh as the joke was a really really stupid one. I panicked and tried to backtrack and explain I was kidding, but she literally didn't crack a smile or say anything to me acknowledging my super bad joke.
1. I tried to tell my mom I don't experience sexual attraction.
2. Her lack of a response made me panic.
3. So I told her I was sexually attracted to cartoon ponies exclusively.
I wish I could say this would be a completely unrealistic thing for her to believe, but seeing as I used to play Furcadia ages 12-14 and was always the weird child, this is probably not a big step for me in her eyes. I also may have watched Equestria Girls the other day, whoops.
I kind of hope she talks to her therapist about this/hope she forgets it ever happened.
Iced_TeaFTW: You need to do the right thing and contact /u/jgrindal
You should be ashamed of yourself for using reddit for scamming a fellow Redditor.
gutenoff: Just saw the messages, talking to him now. Thanks for informing me.
Iced_TeaFTW: AWESOME!!!
| 4 | 20.5 | |
1386767853 | 1386824184 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,589 | iamMess: TIFU Update: TITLERS kampf mit HR
[Original post](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1sjpsn/tifu_by_using_my_personal_skype_account_for_a/)
First off, I want to thank all of you who gave me a couple of good laughs last night and for the great support.
Today, after my break I talked with HR, which is actually pretty much just one guy. He was really nice and kinda understood that it was just a dumb mistake, but he told me that the guy who exclaimed "Who the fuck is TITLER?"'s dad had been some freedom fighter in WW2 and was really offended. The upper management guy was worried that I was a neo-nazi or something like that. Other than that, he told me not to use my personal computer at work. I got a warning, and that is all.
My co-workers is now calling me Titler and is joking how I "burn" (for the lack of a better word) off when they call for help.
TL;DR: TITLER won the war.
jortgonfreit: He was offended because his daddy was a freedom fighter? Jeesh, really milking that isn't he?
SSPPAAMM: I am offended because you said milk in a non-cow environment.
jortgonfreit: I said 'milking'.
SSPPAAMM: Aaaaand offended again. I don't like being corrected.
jortgonfreit: That's not how you spell "and".
SSPPAAMM: I think you win :-(
jortgonfreit: Improper use of punctuation.
SSPPAAMM: Improper use of a comment. And by the way...I am offended again.
Namhaid: I regret to inform you that you are abusing the ellipsis. It is not meant to represent a pregnant pause, but rather to stand in for unwanted text in a quote. For instance: "I am offended ... in a non-cow environment."
I am, therefore, most offended.
mobius_sp: So what do we use to represent a pregnant pause, then?
broopah: You omit the periods.
Skigz: Best thing I've read in this whole thread.
| 13 | 199.153846 | |
1386786568 | 1386802262 | null | t5_2to41 | 482 | mullahrice: TIFU when sending my first email at my new job.
So it's my second day at my new job. I was set up with my company email address today and my first email out was to update all management staff and clients about our upcoming networking event.
77 recipients received this email that I signed off with "Retards" instead of "Regards".
I work at a large sports charity for disabled people.
EDIT:- People I work with in the office do have a sense of humour and understand the error thankfully. New problem is that we have to wear name tags at this networking event next week. Anyone who happened to read that email will now have a face to put to it. This should be fun.
slappyslug: Second = Last Day
RodzillaPT: I second that.
login777: I last that.
Greggster990: No, I last that.
| 5 | 96.4 | |
1386795636 | 1386860240 | null | t5_2to41 | 103 | Rivoch: TIFU by throwing a torn handkerchief I used to clean my ejaculation in the trashcan of the bathroom
This happened at the morning. Yesterday I was going to bed and I could not sleep, so I let my mind fantasize a little and then I was on the business.
As I was there, I realize that I did not have something to clean my ejection so I remembered that I had a torn handkerchief on the closet. I reached it and proceeded to continue the fapping. After the release, I throw the torn handkerchief on the trashcan of the bathroom.
Today at the morning, I was on my computer when I heard: “Mom, why is there a handkerchief on the trash can?” it was my brother. All I had on my mind was “oh come on, Shut the Fuck Up!”
Then my mom came, took the handkerchief, and said “This could be used to clean up something”, I got out my room and I took the handkerchief out of her hands as I screamed” IF IT IS IN THE TRASHCAN, IT IS TRASH!” I do not know what they thought about my overreaction...
Kreepygamer: Wait. Are you talking about a tissue that people use to wipe their noses or a legitimate handkerchief that gentlemen carry around?
alpineliam: I would assume he's talking about a gentleman's handkerchief.
Rivoch: Yes, it was a gentleman's handkerchief. It was old.
alpineliam: Got to wank in style.
| 5 | 20.6 | |
1386803798 | 1386855968 | null | t5_2to41 | 120 | [deleted]: TIFU by forgetting to bubble in my scantron...
TIFU by forgetting to bubble in my scantron on a final exam. Going into the final I had a 90% in the class. The final was worth 50% of our grade. After going through my exam at home I got a 92. What I forgot to do was bubble the scantron answers in and now I failed the class.
swordfishtrombonez: Did you contact the Prof/Teacher to let them know?
[deleted]: Yes I did, our professor allows us to keep our exams after we finish them. Unfortunately "it is what it is" because I could have just filled in the answers when I got home. I am going in to speak with the Dean tomorrow morning.
the_birdie_finger: Good luck buddy!
[deleted]: Any advice on what to mention or push for? Having the grade I did as well literally not filling in a single answer, I am going to mention how disheartening it was to find out I didn't get credit for any of my work these last 15 weeks.
panthera213: Ask for a chance at the deferred exam. These are provided to those who weren't able to write at the same time as everyone (due to legitimate reasons). This replaces the score of the final, and you won't have to re-do the class. Seriously push for the deferred exam, and bring your copy of the exam that has all your written work on it. Having a copy of your marks from other assignments/labs/midterms might help as well.
the_birdie_finger: I love your username. Pantera ftw!
panthera213: :) I don't actually know much about the band. The name is panthera - the genus for the big cat family (lions, tigers, and panthers - oh my!)
the_birdie_finger: Haha, lol sorry.
panthera213: no worries. :)
| 10 | 12 | |
1386804947 | 1386873636 | null | t5_2to41 | 293 | moralTERPitude: TIFU by having sex when my roommate was in the room
We (boyfriend and I) have no idea what the fuck we were thinking. We'd done it once before when my roomie was sleeping and gotten away with it, but she was working on her bed - which is parallel to mine and like four feet away - this time around. The SO and I were frustrated and hadn't had any alone time recently but jesus fuck how did we expect to get away with that? I thought we were being subtle: him spooning me and gently rocking in and out, but of course there's no such thing as fucking subtle in this situation.
She left the room randomly for about 20 minutes and we thought it was coincidence. Took the opportunity to finish up, and went to sleep. The next day I awoke to a text, sent around the time she left, that just said, "Dude I can tell you're having sex. Next time just let me know."
I'M SO EMBARRASSED WHAT THE FUCK WERE WE THINKING
Luckily she and I have been friends a while and my SO and I apologized awkwardly in the morning. Things are a wee bit weird still, but luckily it seems like it'll blow over soon. Good thing she's so forgiving.
I'm still so fucking embarrassed, and totally deserve to be. Aaaaaaaaaugh. So stupid.
THE GODDAMN LIGHTS WERE ON FOR FUCK'S SAKE
swordfishtrombonez: Get her a small gift of some sort: Starbucks Card, chocolate, whatevs.
Also, that's gross. Don't be a shitty roommate.
flexpercep: If the roommate never gives them private time, there is more than one shitty roommate in this story.
dufourgood: I disagree, to an extent. Does the SO not have a room? The couple could ask for private time, as the text messaged said.
eberk_dankil: The SO was probably visiting, I have in the past visited mine at her school. Usually when I visited she had let her roommate know what time I should be there, and they made themselves scarce for a bit.
| 5 | 58.6 | |
1386810389 | 1386822780 | null | t5_2to41 | 94 | [deleted]: TIFU By giving my girlfriend chlamydia and "possibly HIV".
So my girlfriend of just over a month now made me get screened to make sure I didn't have anything, turns out I have chlamydia. She came to the clinic with me, and I know she was generally thinking whether or not to continue the relationship. She was still being affectionate, I bought her a huuuuge flower arrangement, apologised loads, took her straight to the clinic too. So I'm there thinking we're going to be okay.
She was waiting in the waiting area whilst I had my chat with the health worker, and she asked if I'd had any sexual partners from abroad, which I have done, and she was from south africa. However, she has 2 kids, and she has been checked for HIV and stuff, and only had one partner from South africa, but they wanted me to take a blood test to be sure.
My girlfriend asks why, and I casually, without even thinking, go "Oh, just to check for HIV", like its a routine thing. She freaked, I calmed her down, but I feel like this might have been too much damage to our relationship too early for it to be fixed.
The problem is, whilst we haven't known each other that long, its been incredible. It takes a lot for me to like a girl enough to ask her out, and I knew after our first date that she was a keeper. So whilst I would completely understand if she chose to broke up with me, I can't pretend that I wouldn't be completely gutted. I feel like I can completely be myself with her, and still make her day, and she makes mine. I was extremely lucky.
wickedtim: Well hopefully you DON'T have HIV.
I'm sure things will work out. I believe in you, OP.
smkttn: Thank you kind stranger.
panthera213: My boyfriend got diagnosed with herpes about 3 days after we started dating, and about 2 weeks after we started having sex. Almost 3 years later and we're still good. You guys can survive this.
smkttn: thats extremely reassuring, thanks :)
[deleted]: Also, Chlamydia is nothing. It is extremely curable. Herpes is forever. Herpes and HIV are really all you have to worry about as long as you get yourself treated.
Nozphexezora: Hearing that is a relief to my ears as well as OP's. I couldn't imagine being in a position like this.
[deleted]: It's ridiculously easy to treat. They just give you some antibiotics and you're done with it. A flu is worse. Your partner(s) don't even need to go to the doctor. They just give you antibiotics to take to them without even seeing them and it's all good. I'm not sure why anyone would care if their partner gave them chlamydia. It's the most benign of sexually-transmitted diseases, and an extremely benign malady overall compared to most of the things you can catch just walking around.
Nozphexezora: Oh okay. That's easy enough, then. Let's hope he doesn't have HIV. That's the biggens.
| 9 | 10.444444 | |
1386813266 | 1386917509 | null | t5_2to41 | 81 | [deleted]: TIFU by touching period blood
So today I was in art class finishing details on a bust I've been working on. Class is almost over so I start cleaning up, I have a free period after this so I decide to be nice and stay to help clean up anything other people didn't. I was casually sweeping the floor chatting with my teacher for a while, then I noticed some paint on one of the stools. I go over to look at it and rub it to see if it's completely dry yet, when I look at it on my finger I have a very unpleasant realization, this is blood. I figure its just blood and no big deal then Mrs. K start's freaking out telling me to wash my hands. I asked her what was up and she tells me that one of the other students started her period today in class. I spent about 10 minutes scrubbing my hand then had to eat lunch.
**TL;DR someone had period in class, thought it was paint, touched it.**
AcaciaJules: So basically, you completely freaked for no reason, and acted like you had been poisoned.
randomdice101: Well HIV gets transmitted by coming in contact with an infected person's blood so... not exactly no cause for alarm.
AcaciaJules: Unless he had an open cut or sore, he was fine.
Snannybobo: I have a cut on my thumb
[deleted]: Now you have HIV.
Snannybobo: oh :(
[deleted]: Congrats, man! :D
| 8 | 10.125 | |
1386814935 | 1386822710 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | nellymac87: Tifu getting high before work in public
I usually going in to work at 515p. Today we were having a free exam, which after completion, earned us a gift card as an insurance incentive. I had to be at work early to participate and ended up with an hour to kill between the end of the exam and the start of my shift. Guess what I decided to do! My mentality is that if I don't try to hide what I am doing TOO MUCH I should appear like your everyday asshole going about his day. I pull in to a gym parking lot and drove into a small cul-de-sac like area in the back of parking lot.
"Can't park here. Too suspicious."
There was however a small sedan in that very area with some dude inside. That should have been my cue to find a better spot but I ended up park nearby. I roll up and step out of my car. I walk out to the sidewalk and light up.
(8-10 minutes later)
High af. Out of nowhere this highway patrol car pulls up next to me. It didn't stop cause it was a busy street but it pulled into the very next entrance to the plaza I was circling.
ohfuck.jpg "Think fast. Flick the roach? Nah. Swallow it? Fuck no."
I bury it. Cut the corner and start walking back to my car. Mind's racing.
"I can't get in trouble right? I have a recc. Shit, not on me. I shouldn't drive."
I get close to my car and the dude in the shady sedan is outside his car jotting some shit down as he stares at me! Da fuc? I make like I'm going into the gym and just circle the opposite end of the plaza. I walk into a convenience store and get eye drops and a Gatorade. Walk back to my car. Coast is clear. By this point my high is completely gone. I sit for 15mins freshen up and then drive to work. Didn't even enjoy my shit. Never again.
As I sit here at work and analyze everything I'm pretty sure dude in the sedan was probably just like a rent-a-cop type dude (no offense to anyone who has the same job) and the paranoia was just getting the best of me.
tl:dr I got high before the start of my shift and didn't even enjoy any of it cause I was stressing over a highway patrolman and a rent-a-cop.
Iheartpenguins: If you weren't on s high way the highway patrol didn't even have jouristriction
gino3298: Troopers cover all streets state wide.
Sheriffs cover all streets county wide.
City police cover all streets city wide.
A highway police officer can and will pull you over if they find enough reason to. Just because they are highway police doesn't mean if they see someone speeding or anything else illegal that they will just keep going. They are police, they generally regulate the highway but if something happens on the street, they can get you for it.
If you don't believe me, I wouldn't recommend testing out that theory but instead ask an officer, they'll tell ya what you want to know.
Iheartpenguins: Well I guess I was miss informed
I try to play it safe usually when it comes to cops anyway and I definitely won't ever ask a cop a question as soon as they see my ears and my clothes I'm usually profiled so I just avoid them
gino3298: Ears? I can generally understand clothes with home some people dress, to each their own, but why, and how, would you be profiled by your ears?
Iheartpenguins: They're stretched and everyone knows the kids with stretched earlobes are delinquents up to no good!
gino3298: Gotcha, for a second I thought you had either natural or unnatural elf ears and cops there were antielven.
| 7 | 4.857143 | |
1386811299 | 1386981339 | null | t5_2to41 | 50 | [deleted]: TIFU by hitting a fire hydrant
I drive a school bus. Today, we were told to park at the high school after we'd dropped all of out kids off. The high school parking lot is much, much smaller than the regular school bus parking lot, and I was unfamiliar with it.
As I'm reversing my bus to park, I hear a loud "crunching" noise. I figured that I had just hit the curb, and pulled forward. and shut my bus off. I got out of my bus just to make sure that there was nothing wrong with my bus.
As it turns out, I pulled a fire hydrant a few inches from it's original place.
I thought nothing of it, and since my rent was several days late and I needed to get it paid, I rushed to my car and went to the bank. A few hours later, I get a call from my boss. "ConAcide, we need to talk about what happened today with the fire hydrant. The police saw the hydrant and now city officials are involved. I need you to come into my office and talk to me tomorrow. Don't worry about driving your morning route, just come talk to me."
"Sir, am I going to get fired?"
"I can't tell you that definitively, but the issue is that you didn't tell us when you hit it."
"Yes sir, I understand. I'll see you in the morning."
I'm pretty sure that I'm going to get fired, guys.
gino3298: I hope you don't, and if you do, I hope you find something soon.
Cproo12: He got a job as a metro bus driver :D
| 3 | 16.666667 | |
1386817356 | 1386828396 | null | t5_2to41 | 39 | dunl3vy: TIFU By Missing My Final Exam
Today I missed my Final Orgo Exam. I was SOOO sure it was Friday, the 13th. Turned out it was today (11th). Biggest fuck up of my academic life (undergrad). E-mailed people worth e-mailing already. Worst is F2F begging isn't that easy since I live miles away as a commuter. Feel like an absolute worthless turd right now.
Am I gonna die?
EDIT: Update. Good news I suppose. He told me to meet him during his office hours today. Either I'm getting a big break, or I'm on the verge of a making of a porno. Will tell more of how it goes down. Stay tuned for the next edition of "Dumbass College Tool Who Couldn't Even Read A God Damned Syllabus"
EDIT 2: Got a break and took the exam. No porno was made from this debacle.
placid871: Try to withdraw with your advisor so that it doesn't count (if possible)?
Erikster: It'll show up in his transcript and he won't get a refund probably.
Begging is more cost-effective.
placid871: I mean money isn't a factor if he gets an F... And begging won't do much, especially in classes like orgo where the profs don't really care.
Erikster: Yeah either way it's not looking good for OP.
Sucks.
dunl3vy: :(
This is what hell feels like, I reckon.
Erikster: Chin-up dude. Ya messed up once, but you'll have opportunities to make up and prove yourself in the future.
It's not a problem to mess up one class. It becomes a problem if you make a habit of it. Good luck in your future studies.
dunl3vy: Thanks bud
That's what I've been pretty much telling myself the past few hours. I'm normally relatively sharp and pay attention to details. I just can't believe I fucked this one up so badly.
Still holding out hope that authorities help bail me out, which is VERY (and understandably) unlikely.
placid871: Listen you need to ask your prof if you can take the final during his summer courses or during the next time he teaches this. But you need to do it face to face as email won't cut it, and be honest. If he/she says no, then you have to see with the dean and your advisor. Your best option in my opinion would be to force a withdraw through your advisor.
dunl3vy: I'll actually be going to campus tomorrow for that reason. I'll take anything at this point
| 10 | 3.9 | |
1386828710 | 1386973976 | null | t5_2to41 | 30 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting slapped in the face.
It's not often I fuck up by getting hit.
Long story short, my buddy and his girlfriend started having a fight while we were walking to get food. They've been together like a couple months, and tend to give each other a hard time, but she really decided to go off on him this time; I'm talking yelling, arm-waving, semi-screaming, the whole deal.
I normally don't give a fuck, but they had literally stopped in the middle of the street to go at each other, so I felt I had to do something. I tried to step inbetween them to get them to stop, and a slap that was meant for him ended up getting me. At least it diffused the situation pretty quickly, and I got a free McFlurry, though my cheek still smarts.
However, the next time I'm getting slapped, I'm going to earn it.
alpineliam: Doesn't sound like a fuck up to me, conflict resolution and free McFlurry for the price of a slap. Also a cool story. I think you came out alright here.
Knolligge: I Agree. Just a slap, and boom, solve a problem and get free shit.
| 3 | 10 | |
1386826366 | 1386910239 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | urrghh: TIFU by peeing in the kitchen sink
Ok.. I just need to rant a little, everyone. I need to provide some backstory before I can get into my fuck up of the day.
So I have this weird thing about urinating in sinks. I'm 26, male, and have been peeing in sinks for at least 10 years, even if there is a perfectly fine toilet sitting next to it. I've peed in friend's bathroom sinks, strangers kitchen sinks, my girlfriend's parent's bathroom sink, public sinks (bars), and countless times in my own sink. All over the place. You get the idea. When I'm done I really don't clean the sink up excessively well- I'll generally run hot water and splash it all over to get all the pee down the drain. I couldn't tell you why I do this. I know it's disgusting, an outright selfish and abominable thing to do to the poor people who use the sink after me, unwitting to the fact that I've urinated down it. I know there's a lot wrong with me mentally, this is just one of the lovely little things that I do and honestly it's not the worst.
On to tonight's news. I moved back to my parent's apartment sort of recently (I am unemployed and broke) and my 28 y.o. sister is still living here as well. I was in the kitchen around 11:30pm making some challah bread toast. I only had a dim light on so I could see what I was doing. My parents were in their room asleep and my sister was in her room with the door closed. While I was waiting for my toast to finish I went up to the kitchen sink, stood on my tip-toes and pulled my pecker out to pee. Usually when I pee in the kitchen at night I'll check behind me to see if the light has changed down the hall way: that means that someone is out of their room and possibly coming my way. I guess I wasn't careful enough this time and my sister walked behind me into the kitchen while I had my pecker out and streaming into the sink. I heard her coming in at the last second and was able to stop midstream, and flip my shirt over my penis to hide it. She came right over to the sink and I faked rinsing out a already very clean looking bowl that was in there. She dropped off a mug at the side of the sink next to me and walked away, wordless. We usually don't talk at all, so this is normal behavior. I don't *think* she saw what I was doing as my back was to her and the room was dark, but she must have known something was up by my sudden rushed motions when she came in.
I know it would be a good thing for me and everyone my behavior effects if I was outed tonight, but I'm still so afraid that I may have been. She internalizes a lot and she's rather non-confrontational so I don't think she would say anything to me about it if she did indeed catch me in the act. I would guess that she would probably talk to my mom about it and have her talk to me. Because that's just what she does. Meh.
Anyway.. Thanks for hearing me out, everyone. I've never told anyone about this before now.
tl;dr I peed in the kitchen sink when I thought I was alone and my sister may have caught me in the act.
lastcall123: If you're healty, pee is a "clean" liquid, with no bacteria or thing that could harm others...
Earthquake survivors had to drink their own urine when trapped under collapsed buldings in Japan.
It's basically a cultural thing that makes it nasty.
AcaciaJules: Only while in the bladder. The moment it passes through the urethra, it becomes tainted.
TheBanger: Huehuehue. "*taint*ed". I get you.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1386835829 | 1386851551 | null | t5_2to41 | 42 | [deleted]: TIFU by not being racist on the bus
[deleted]
shaker_not_shaken: How is this your fuck up?
AMilitantPeanut: How is this even a fuck-up? How did the OP make the sleeping guy miss his stop?
| 3 | 14 | |
1386837558 | 1386839902 | null | t5_2to41 | 51 | taintedmilk18: TIFU by missing my final exam.
I thought one of my finals was tomorrow on thursday. It was on tuesday.
jules79: Can you at least make it up?
taintedmilk18: I am hoping so. I emailed my TA and my professor after I stopped trying to panic so I hope it goes okay. I'm not sure how okay my professor will be with it because he really dislikes mess up's like that. If not I can try and ask for an incomplete grade instead and then get really drunk and hope I don't fail the class instead.
jules79: Well it might not be that bad, depending on how you were doing in the class and how much of your grade depended on the final. Anyway, hope you can make it up OP! Good luck!
| 4 | 12.75 | |
1386828689 | 1387337236 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | FrankLapidus4815: TIFU by taking Ambien at high school.
Yesterday, actually. I snorted 10mgs right before leaving for school. I had swallowed 10mg as snorted 5mg the night before, and was completely fucked up beyond functioning, but for some retarded reason(ambien logic), I figured snorting 10mgs would be handle-able for school.
So, I black out and completely forget what happens during 1st period. In fact, somehow it fucked me up so much I didn't realize it even worked at all until today. All day yesterday and this morning I thought that the 10mgs didn't work and somehow my tolerance blocked it out. Hell no it didn't. My friend reminded me what happened during 1st period yesterday. Apparently, I did 3 major things, none of which I remember. First, I turned in a homework assignment full of answers, which, before school started, I had not a single problem filled out. He says I asked him for the answers, but he didn't tell me, as I wrote something down anyway. I still don't know what I were, hoping it doesn't get me caught.
This brings me to my next two events. I took a test, and apparently wrote my name sideways on the page and turned it in with not a single question done.
Finally, I apparently walked up to my teacher, mumbled some Ambien-fueled nonsense, she asked, "what," and I repeated, and when she didn't understand, I just stumbled back to my seat. My friend says she obviously knew I was high, so I'm incredibly lucky she didn't say anything. She's a cool teacher, I could have easily been expelled.
I also apparently stood at his desk and constantly stumbled around the room, switching seats to empty ones that weren't my assigned seat. I honestly don't know why I didn't get yelled at/written up.
I'm still anxious for tomorrow to see if my teacher mentions it, and to see what I wrote on my homework sheet. Hopefully I didn't write anything like "I'm on drugs, I'm high as shit, or mentioned the word 'ambien.'" It was almost completely worn off by 2nd period and I remember all that happened after 1st period. Biggest mistake of my life, could have cost me my school.
swedchef13: Dude. You are a drug abuser. Seek help now before you ruin your life.
FrankLapidus4815: Believe it or not it's possible to be a safe drug user. I made a mistake, thought I could handle something I couldn't. I'm usually very careful but I fucked up. You called me a "drug abuser who needs help" after hearing about **one** instance of drug use, maybe you're the one who needs help to stop being so judgemental and close minded.
onetrueping: Actually, you mentioned two instances less than 24 hours apart. If you're going to do something as stupid as using drugs during a period in your life when you can still get some pretty serious brain damage from it, at least be smart enough to pace yourself and not do something as stupid as snorting sleeping aids before class, when you're supposed to be awake.
FrankLapidus4815: I meant one irresponsible instance
TheBanger: The only other two uses of your account were also about drugs, so it's safe to assume you have multiple instances...
FrankLapidus4815: Like I said, only one irresponsible instance, I never said I've only used drugs once
| 7 | 0.857143 | |
1386842226 | 1386842617 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | SeasWouldRise: TIFU by wiping my nose on my coat sleeve.
Today, my school started at 10.55, so I got to sleep until 9.15. It felt like heaven. When I was ready, I took the 10 o' clock bus, so I would be in school around 10.40. My bus ride takes around 36 minutes.
Five minutes into the bus ride. I notice my nose is a little bit runny. This is normal and happens to many people when they go from somewhere cold (outside) to somewhere warm (the bus). It felt annoying, as something runs down your nose. I had to wipe it on my coat sleeve. Now it was all normal again. Then, I felt it was running again. It started to drip from my nose. I had no idea what was going on. When I was texting on my phone it hit me. The drops were red.
"Perfect", I thought. Now I'm sitting in a bus with a nosebleed. Paper is nowhere to be seen and it drips all the time. My coat sleeve was now substituting for paper, as I couldn't let the blood drip on the bus floor or seat. After a little while, I remember the first aid for nosebleed. I leaned forward, and pressed with my fingers on my nose, a little bit under the nose bone. Now the nosebleed was in control. After ca. 10 minutes, the blood in my nose was dry enough so I didn't have to keep pressure on it.
Now the situation was under control, and time was for aftermath. I see a few drops hit the bus seat, but I didn't care about that then anymore, as the stain was visible only if you looked closely. My right hand had a little blood on it. My right sleeve on my coat had quite much blood on it. The best thing is that my coat is black and white. Nice, mom will be happy to know.
When my stop came, I went straight to school. Then I rushed up the stairs to the floor where my first class for today would be. I went to the toilet and looked in the mirror. I had a big, dried drop of blood on the tip of my nose. No wonder people stared at me. After washing everything off, I texted my cousin about the situation. She laughed her ass off. After that I also noticed that I had blood stains on my jeans. My mom will be *very* happy. I'm now sitting in school. I have a day to half past three. Yay.
**TL;DR: Nosebleed in a bus is messy, especially if you haven't got any paper.**
joshuagrah4m: ...that's not really a fuck up. It's bad luck, but you didn't have much of a choice. It's not like you were doing something dumb to cause it. It would've bled on you even if you didn't use your jacket.
SeasWouldRise: Well, true.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1386843446 | 1386885155 | null | t5_2to41 | 288 | That_-_guy: TIFU by shitting and not flushing.
So my grandparents came from Finland to visit us. My grandparents aren't good with flying. This results in my grandmother feeling sick, so I take her upstairs so she can have a lay down in my mums bed. Before she even gets up the stairs she says she has to puke, and asks for a cold glass of water; not two seconds before I get down the stairs she says " never mind I think I'm going to puke now. So she runs into my bathroom, this is when the realisation hits me: I'd taken a monster shit not two hours before. My grandma puked into my I flushed, cesspit of a toilet, around 7 inches away from my mammoth turd.
I couldn't look her in the eye until she left, she'd stared into my turd.
IAMATimeTravellerAMA: I'm really curious... no. Actually I'm not. And I have this feeling that I'm going to regret that, but: Why the fuck would you forget to flush the toilet. Especially after taking a dump.
Is that what you usually do? Like: Nobody's watching, so why should I flush?
I know I can get away with ~~singing~~ screaming Katy Perry songs when I'm home alone, but not flushing the toilet would piss myself off.
That_-_guy: I'd just got home from school, took a dump and then just went to sleep for a couple hours, no one was home. Don't really know why I didn't flush it.
StrangelyBrown: "Well, finished my shit, what should I do now? Maybe I'll flush the toilet? Actually I'm feeling quite tired, maybe I'll take a nap"
elfa82: Sometimes a good shit takes a lot out of you
KennyFulgencio: Oh man those are the best when you feel so mellow and relaxed afterward... how the hell does that happen? How do I get that effect without having to take a giant shit? Nothing against taking a giant shit, just sometimes it's difficult to arrange
[deleted]: You have to wait until you really really really really have to shit. Not that kind of "shit my stomach hurts so bad" shit, i mean the "shit shit shit the elephants trunk is already halfway out of my ass". The kind of shit you take after you sprinted to the toilett seat whilst taking of the pants mid-sprint.
KennyFulgencio: I know I LOVE those, I just wonder if there's some way to induce that effect on demand, preferably through meditation and yoga, or alternatively through... heroin?!
| 8 | 36 | |
1386805796 | 1386857026 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | TokeInTheEye: TIFU by not knowing my friends names
so after a very long period of planning today is the day I was going to plan a flight to Amsterdam for my friends an I.
we all planned on sorting the flights and passport details at around 8. there's 6 of us and only 2 actually answered the phone. i finally get around to do the last 2 and they both have double barrel names, its now 11pm and im getting tired. so of course I completely forgot and only put down their last name.
it took me a good hour to realise what had happenned and now ive got to change both of their names on the flight tickets. costing £70 each. im £140 out of pocket and the flights only cost £50.
im hoping to god the EasyJet gods smile upon me tomorrow when i ring customer support.
TLDR: have to pay an extra £140 on top of a £50 flight because im an idiot.
alpineliam: EasyJet seem pretty cool, I hope you get your money back.
TokeInTheEye: i rang them an hour ago, everything is fine.
i was really panicking last night though.
alpineliam: That's great, I'm flying home with EasyJet next week. It is good to know they are human about these things.
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1386860373 | 1386888447 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | boggis26: TIFU - A vibrator, an airport... and a really awkward flatmate...
Now before we begin, it's worth giving a grounding on my flatmate as this tale of woe isn't nearly as awkward without it. This flatmate (22) had never used a microwave before coming to uni, and subsequently tried to make toast in it by moistening the bread and whacking on full power for 20 minutes. He then included a fork the mix and has since made toast on the hob (no pans). He enjoys eating bulbs of raw garlic and watching tacky sci-fi from his birds nest atop the fridge. Just the other day he was gracious enough to give me a slice of nice hot, buttery toast... no of course, he doesn't like butter and had in fact given me a generous helping of Colman's mustard.
I don't like mustard at all.
If you met the chap you'd never suspect a thing wrong in the world, but in short he is just... odd. I've never known him to show an interest in women, or men for that matter of any kind and I theorise he is asexual and is simply working on breeding a twin. Anyway - the story.
I was late for a train. The train lead directly to a plane which I was cutting fine anyway. Less than preferable really. Travelling light, I'd cunningly tucked my keys in the deepest, darkest crevice of my bag I could find - frankly Gollum wouldn't bother hunting in there. This became a problem as I walked out of my block and felt a cylindrical object in my coat pocket. My girlfriends turbo-charged vibrator. In a baffled panic the ensuing scenarios ran through my mind should I fail to deal with this situation;
1) I'd rock up to security at the airport and have to openly give a strange man a recently used vibrator. Nope.
2) I'd rock up to security to try and smuggle what is basically an armoured dildo (armourdildo?) through a system built to stop unwanted forks. I would then be asked to produce my dildo, and possibly sized... I would then of course miss my flight and have to explain to my girlfriend why she could no longer accurately call me Robocock.
Only one thing for it really, I had hide it somewhere that no one would find. With a fraction of a second to spare I caught the door just before the magnetic lock sealed and hastily rammed aforementioned dildo into our letterbox. No one ever checks there... I think... truth be told I don't actually know...
I return home the following evening to find neat piles of mail on the table, and yes, Armourdildo glistening triumphantly in the moonlight. Excellent.
I get a cup of tea and settle down on the sofa and begin Skyping my girlfriend... who I couldn't not tell about this story which utterly awkwarded her out... naturally. My flatmate then walks in and we embark on a pleasant conversation regarding what was in the mail, (no mention of Armourdidlo) and my trip. Bearing in mind my girlfriend was still in Skype, using "nice vibe about it" and "went by like some kind of bullet" were probably not the most appropriate conversation fillers... but the situation was made better by my flatmate simply not knowing what the mysterious object was. Only when later explaining did the shit hit the fan... still glad I didn't tell him it was in need of a good wipe...
TLDR: Hid girlfriends vibrator in letterbox, found by flatmate who just didn't know what it was.
jpaschel: You tell boring stories filled with jargon that nobody can understand. Sorry, but it's true. Learn to write.
Edit: My bad for coming off like a dick, I was just trying to be direct. I guess I wasn't very helpful :(
Kruger2147: I was going to say just the opposite, I loved the way he wrote this. Fantastic story. He could have made it like 3 sentences, but instead he turned it into a wonderful tale.
jpaschel: Fair enough, but I still don't seem to understand what happened here.
cerbaroo: He was running late for a flight and realized he had a vibrator in his pocket. Not wanting to go through airport security with it and being pressed for time he put it in his apartment's mailbox. When he gets back to his apartment, his inexperienced and awkward roommate has the vibrator plus some accumulated mail waiting for him. It becomes clear the roommate doesn't know what it is. He proceeds to tell his girlfriend about all this on Skype and keeps talking about when the roommate enters the room, annoying his girlfriend. Later he comes clean and his roommate is upset.
jpaschel: Seriously thanks for the summary...!! :)
| 6 | 2.5 | |
1386868348 | 1386876441 | null | t5_2to41 | 62 | USAF503: TIFU by wearing old boots with no grip
This was yesterday, I was too busy to post last night.
So I have these nice boots that I've had for about 2 years. Black leather Doc Martens, they look good. Being the first day of finals for me, I decided to wear them so I could go in feeling good. 2 problems with that... Those shoes have no grip, and theres a few inches of snow on the ground.
I, an athlete of sure footing and balance, think nothing of it. Boy was i wrong. I had no problems getting to my final. No slippage. Sit down, rock the final, feeling good. Im sitting in the very back of he room of about 100 people. I get up, step behind my chair... THUD. Hip, meet ground, ground, meet hip. Acquainted? Good. Cause theres 100 people looking at you, including about 5 of your friends.
Im never going to hear the end of this.
NotoriousBigE: At least you didn't shit yourself or get caught masturbating.
kroneksix: Or shit yourself while getting caught masturbating
kyzfrintin: Or masturbate when getting caught shitting.
dj_bizarro: With a cat on your chest.
| 5 | 12.4 | |
1386871700 | 1386896953 | null | t5_2to41 | 722 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally tripping before an exam
I have the flu and my doctor gave me a cocktail of medicine to get better. Tamiflu, Mucinex, Nasal Spray, and Tylenol Flu and Ibuprofen to to switch back and forth. Well the Tamiflu causes really bad nausea and vomiting. So to deal with the stomach ache, I smoked a few bowls throughout the night to fall asleep easier. I woke up this morning, took my Tamiflu, Tylenol, and Mucinex. I also took my adderall since I needed to focus. I was unaware that the Tylenol and Mucinex both contained DXM and it has been building up in my system for 2 days. So with smoking periodically through the night, the amphetamines, and the DXM. I have been feeling pretty strange. To top it off, I emailed my professor yesterday to hopefully move my exam to a make up slot and she wouldn't let me. So here I am, borderline tripping with an exam in 3 hours that I am fully unprepared for. On the brightside, the "trip" is going well.
EDIT: For anyone who cares to know, the exam went well. I am feeling pretty confident on that. But I need to clarify some things.
Many are asking why I took so much medicine or any at all. It is the flu. It is very contagious. The Tamiflu is to treat the actual infection. Everything else is for symptoms. I am aware that the side effects of the Tamiflu are just as bad as the actual symptoms of the flu. It is so I am not contagious. Which is honestly all that matters. This is the first time I have really experienced the flu. Usually it feels just like a cold and I sweat it out in a day or so.
Again, it's finals week, the last thing I need to do is sit around and let it run it's course. I need to numb it and attempt to study and get shit done. Trust me, if it weren't exam week, I would take this week as a vacation of laying around and playing Xbox.
Some are saying there is no DXM in Tylenol or Mucinex. Tylenol Cold and Flu Severe contains: 325mg acetaminophen, 10mg DXM HBr, 200 mg Guaifenesin, and 5mg phenylephrine HCl. Mucinex Severe Congestion and Cough contains 10mg DXM HBr, 200mg guaifenesin, and 5mg phenylephrine HCl. DXM being the cough suppressant, guaifenesin being the expectorant, and phenylephrine being the nasal decongestant. What the doctor failed to tell me, was that they are the same exact thing. Granted I should have read the labels, I fail to see why I need both. No, it doesn't "build up" but if you haven't been able to eat and you are taking it unknowingly within a short amount of time, you will probably feel pretty strange.
Someone noted it's simply from weed and adderall. I mix them plenty to know this was not the same feeling. It was closer to that feeling you get when you are coming down from a trip but still feel high and are experiencing some residuals. Also, I haven't smoked since I woke up with stomach pains at 3am. So I am not totally sure if that played a role. Overall, the mixture of the drugs and the lack of sleep is probably what did me in. Also the fact that I haven't been able to eat for a while most likely didn't help too much.
To the kids on shrooms during tests... holy shit. That's bold.
cliff-hanger: Doctors note?
[deleted]: Yeah, but she wouldn't change it. I'm not sure if she understood my email. English isn't her first language.
azndinho: try talking to your registrar, or your undergraduate studies office.. assuming you are an undergrad
[deleted]: All the lines are busy, after being put on hold for about 10 minutes, I figured it would be better to just cram and hope for the best.
cliff-hanger: Good luck pal. I just have to write a two page paper today.
[deleted]: Damn. This is the first time I wish I was writing a paper. It's a stat exam. And I basically had to teach myself the whole course. Sooooo... today should be interesting.
cliff-hanger: Is it done on excel?
[deleted]: No. It's 16 questions, all short answer, and done in class.
cliff-hanger: Well how did it end up going man?
[deleted]: Well it didn't go terribly. I wasn't prepared, which I expected. But I knew most of the material. There were only 8 questions but each had about 5 or 6 parts. I am hoping for the best. I just drank a ridiculous amount of water to flush out a bit and drank some coffee before heading in. Got an okay feeling about it.
OldManKamps: Oh good! I just wrote my stats final too :P
3 hours, 78 multiple choice
It went well :]
[deleted]: I would kill to have multiple choice. You have no idea.
OldManKamps: It was pretty nice.
| 14 | 51.571429 | |
1386879527 | 1386901199 | null | t5_2to41 | 41 | lpaige360: TIFU by having a nervous meltdown in front of my scary/angry lawyer boss
I am 26(f) and my boss is probably like 50(m). He is a scary guy, he is paid to be scary. I work as a paralegal in a medium sized firm. In all seriousness, this guy is trained in interrogation and was a cop for 25+ years before he got into this business. He is the person who is paid to make you trip up and cry your eyes out under examination.
Anyway, he's never been too mean to me but I am usually really diligent around him. Whenever I do something wrong I am always apologetic and I tell him that I will strive for perfection in the future.
Today though...today was different.
The important backstory here is that I once dreamed of being a lawyer. I got my honors in poli sci, wrote my LSAT a few times and didn't do as well as I needed to. I decided to get my paralegal license and try my best to bulk up my experience over the next few years in hopes of improving my chances of getting in to lawschool. Two years ago when I started this I didn't mind so much, but the reality of filing, briefing, and doing absolutely nothing with my degree (not to mention making less than when I was a waitress) has started to take it's toll on my mentality. Normally I am an incredibly positive and enthusiastic person. I have been doing my level best to stay happy and see the light at the end of the tunnel here, but some days it just feels like I am absolutely wasting away in a dead end job where I am learning nothing and becoming more complacent by the hour.
Anyway, to the story. Normally I am a pretty calm person and I can deal with my boss's outbursts. Also, usually they aren't directed at me so it's not so bad. Keep in mind, we are talking about a guy that needs a reminder for his reminders, flips out of a post it note falls off his computer, and regularly tells me he needs something "an hour ago".
This morning when I came in he said he needed to speak with me and told me to shut his door. He's never really done this before and I started getting a bit nervous. I have had past issues with abusive partners cornering me and harming me so I can see why I started to shake a bit. Still, I take my job really seriously and I try to compose myself. He points out that I got one of the attachments wrong on a letter we were sending out. He starts shaking the page at me and telling me that this is completely unacceptable, he expects more from me, he feels like he can't trust me, he wants to know what going on.
All I can think of is I make less than people working at McDonald's and I feel like my entire life is a joke because of this job but I can't quit because it's also the only thing I have helping me hold on to some semblance of hope that one day I will be able to pursue this dream of mine and that I didn't completely waste my time on my education. He keeps pressuring me to tell him what it really is that's been causing me to slip up (it took me too long to get some searches done on Monday which really irritated him as well).
Anyway, the only thing I can think of to say is that it is just a 'personal issue' and that I realize it is unacceptable. Instead, the truth of all of the depression and anxiety and disappointment in myself bubbled up at that moment. He's a trained interrogator and it is fucking hard to lie to him. Even though my words were a lie, my face told the complete truth. I turned into a crying, shaking, hyperventilating wreck. His face lost all colour. I am apologizing for crying, he is staring at me blankly. I said "I'm so sorry" he laughs and says "I do it all the time." WTF?
It took me another 5 minutes sitting there to try and compose myself just so I could leave his office without being a splotchy mess. I had to go to the washroom and cry it out some more in there afterwards because I was extra upset at myself for having the meltdown in the first place. This is like the most serious guy on the planet, he relies on me to keep my cool and do a good job under pressure, he deals with situations where people stand to win or lose millions of dollars, he is never intimidated, and all I showed him was that I melt like butter in a frying pan under confrontation.
TDLR: Cried in front of my serious lawyer boss for no real reason, lost a lot of respect for myself professionally, probably not cut out for this business.
[deleted]: Your boss is a dick and that's really all there is to it. He doesn't value what you do and it seems like he's just pushing off his bull shit on to you. Go back to being a waitress or something or at least see if you can still get a decent recommendation out of him for a new job. People who use intimidation, especially on coworkers, really irritates me. I hope you get another job and I kinda hope your boss gets a reality check.
lpaige360: Thanks for you response. It's not really what I wanted to hear, but it's really hard to think of him as being the asshole in the situation for some reason. It's not that I don't have a backbone, it's just that part of me respects his perfectionism (pretty sure he has OCD, like my Dad) and I know he is one of the best at his job because of his mean, calculating ocd -induced no-tolerance nature, so when I fail to live up to the standards he sets for me it's like I can't even do my joke of a job.
Anyway, thanks again for the kind words.
[deleted]: Not sure what your situation is but you need to take a month or two off and study full time 12 hours a day 7 days a week for the LSAT. The exam is not THAT hard, it just takes some diligent study time. What are you waiting for
| 4 | 10.25 | |
1386883806 | 1386894171 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: tifu by not helping someone
Walking back to the car today after me and Mum had got some Christmas things for my Brother and Dad. Walked past a guy curled up in the corner (slumped forwards, holding his knees)
I thought it was a shame as I assumed he was homeless, I didn't see a cup or similar to give money and thought that was odd.
Few mins later me and Mum were back in the car and heading home and watched an ambulance car struggle to get though in the Christmas traffic, stopped where the "homeless" person was and get out to help. The guy was obviously ill and not homeless.
I'm just glad someone was paying more attention than me today.
[deleted]: if the ambulance was on the way what the hell could you have done
[deleted]: He meant before.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1386878565 | 1386938546 | null | t5_2to41 | 38 | regallomontana: TIFU by forgetting the money in the ATM machine
I was so unfocused , coming out of hard exercise in the gym , tired , want to pee , hungry .i stopped to withdraw money from an ATM , I just took the card once it came out and run to my car , after 5 minutes i realised i forgot the 150$ in the ATM machine , returned back to find them gone (obviously ).
I am so depressed i feel like a huge loser.
theschecterman: Have you contacted your bank to see whether the money was actually removed from the machine? I don't know if it's the same in the US but in England if the money isn't removed after a certain amount of time it is taken back into the machine and your account gets re-credited with it.
Hopefully that's the case for you man, if not screw the person who stole your money. Is there any CCTV in the area that could be helpful?
Simplerdayz: A fishy part of the story is that he took out $150, ATMs that dispense $10s have only been around since 2010 and are still quite rare, only just getting support from major banks, this year.
worriedmtgdork: In specific areas, they're readily available in Northern Ohio.
Simplerdayz: readily available: in a lot of specific areas. overall: still rare throughout america.
regallomontana: It is true i dont live in america .
| 6 | 6.333333 | |
1386893648 | 1386917981 | null | t5_2to41 | 126 | SatanOffspring: TIFU by trying to hook up my friend with his cousin.
So me my friends were talking about how i met your mother (we are all big fans) then we right after as we are walking in the hallways my friend tom complained about not having a girlfriend. So as a joke i tap a girls shoulder and say "have you meet my friend tom?" i then wink and tell her he's a great guy a bit lonely and could use a girl. She respounds with "that's my cousin".
ForTheBloodGod: Did you respond, "ya but he's into that"?
SatanOffspring: my other friend who was there told them don't knock it till you try it.
Slicklizard: That's the point where you transition from HIMYM to Arrested Development. You have all your bases covered, then.
| 4 | 31.5 | |
1386892425 | 1387051249 | null | t5_2to41 | 45 | Worstfucknday: TIFU by dyeing my hair without a bra on
I'm having a shitty day. I have a pinched nerve or something in the arch of my foot from running (with proper running shoes and everything!!) and I have a huge underground zit that hurt so bad I fucked with it and now it's worse. Wouldn't care about either but tomorrow I have a big trip with a friend where I want to look my best for some memorable photos. And now I have this huge ugly pimple on my face.
To make matters worse, I decided to dye my hair (black) since my (blonde) roots were growing out and my neighbor commented on them. So I prep the bathroom, lay newspaper down on the counter and even remember to change into a black shirt. I sure thought I was smart!! Well, i somehow still made a fuckin mess everywhere, on the carpet, the sink, EVERYWHERE and I had to clean it all up by vigorously scrubbing. No worries, nothing permanent, got everything squeaky clean. Put some ice on the zit and then jump in the shower. Take off m shirt aaaaannnd... My shirt was covered in hair dye. No big deal except apparently it bled through the shirt in two spots. Guess which? My areolas. Painted with big black smudges.
So I spent forever vigorously scrubbing my poor nipples until they were raw. Got most of the black off but it's still a bit off color. Soaked my foot in the tub. Put some moisturizer on my zit. Tomorrow's gonna be a great trip filled with insecurity and self consciousness. Yay!
[deleted]: Ya, why was your nipples getting dyed have any importance?
thisisntben: I don't understand either... No-one but yourself (or partner?) would ever know.
StormMFeel: Maybe they are going swimming?? o:
thisisntben: Why would she be swimming topless?!
[deleted]: Maybe they're going to an orgy?
Edit: sexually confusing spelling errors.
NariaFTW: An or-gey?
Oh oh, maybe it was an Orgy.
[deleted]: Thank you fellow grammar nazi. <3
| 8 | 5.625 | |
1386902760 | 1387163167 | null | t5_2to41 | 167 | dick-commissioned: TIFU by agreeing to draw nude portraits of a man in his home.
(WARNING: long)
So this actually happened over a year ago, and I promised myself by the end of 2014 I’d post some sort of detailed account here. Quick background: I’m a female in my mid-20s. Last year I was living in Sydney, Australia, and that’s where this story takes place. Now, without further ado...
It was late October. I had just finished up my second semester of art school. This was my second degree and it was going really well. I was totally kicking ass, actually, and I was feeling uncharacteristically confident in my artistic skills. I was also unemployed and poor. I thought to myself, “It’s almost the holidays, surely some people on Gumtree [Aussie version of Craigslist] are wanting artwork for various reasons. Let’s investigate.” Sure enough, there were some ads up, and I replied to them. I promptly heard back from one guy who was “Seeking artist for nude portrait to give to my wife for Christmas.” Sounded fairly suspicious, but I ran it by my partner (a discerning IT professional/former club bouncer/boxer), and after reading the post he encouraged me to pursue it.
In first email to me, the poster introduced himself as Paul. He said my portfolio was far and away better than the other applicants, and he’d like to discuss the commission further. We exchanged more emails, and ultimately he wanted know if I had a studio where he could meet me. I told him no, but he could either rent one for our session OR he could come to my place. I said this knowing my partner would be nearby if things got weird. He couldn’t make it out my way, so he proposed we do it at his place. I immediately googled his location. He lived a few doors away from the Redfern police station. Phew. Ok, ok, we can do that.
But before meeting at his I INSISTED that we have a consultation in a public place. I am generally a solid judge of character and was confident that if he was a creep, I’d be able to sense it (shout-out to my fellow INFJs in the house). We met at Starbucks on the edge of Hyde Park, pretty much as central as you can get in Sydney. Lots of people around. He was a little awkward and shy. He reminded me of a lot of the nerdy sci-fi kids I went to college with back in the US. Just a bit socially awkward, but friendly.
We talked out our plan for the drawing session and it was all very professional. I went over his options for what medium he’d like the drawings in, what size he was after, how many drawings he wanted, in what style, etc. I brought lots of examples of nude portraits that I’d printed from the web and my personal portfolio.
“I don’t want to spend too much,” he said. *Ok, so why are you commissioning artwork?* I thought. But I’m also pretty self-deprecating when it comes to my artistic capacities so figured this was a great opportunity for me to try out this whole commission process for the first time. (Previously my only clients had been friends.) I told him how the session would go. We’d structure it like a life-drawing class at art school: first some quick warm-up drawings with him in different poses, then a 15-minute drawing, then a 30-minute drawing, and finally a 60-minute drawing. I’d bring my work home to finish, and maybe even take a couple photos if necessary. “We could sign a non-disclosure agreement if you want,” I told him.
“What’s a non-disclosure agreement?” He asked. From that point on I assumed the guy didn’t have a clue about a lot of things; he was a simple and naive family guy who worked in finance. I had nothing to worry about. No contracts were drafted and signed, no deposit was taken. That was a huge oversight on my part, but hey, I’d never done anything like this before. And I tend to trust humanity way more than I should.
We agreed to meet the next day at his place, since his wife and kids were off to the Hunter (the Napa of New South Wales). When I arrived the house was full of children’s toys and family photos, poopy diapers and dirty dishes… this was obviously a family home, no doubt about it. That put me at ease. Surely this guy wasn’t going to try anything, he just genuinely wanted a clever and cute present for his wife. Who knows, maybe since having kids things hadn’t been too exciting in the bedroom, and he wanted to spice things up. Who was I to judge?
He seemed nervous. “I’ve never done anything like this before,” he kept telling me. I told him not to worry, I’m just an artist, I’m about the least judgmental person you’ll meet… just relax and you'll be fine. Once we’d gotten set up in the living room he took off his clothes and stood shyly, hands cupping his privates, body tense as a rod. I drew him like that, then told him to pose a different way. He did something else and I remember thinking, *Wow, that’s much better! That’s like our models in class!* There was something off about that, but I didn’t linger on the thought because I got distracted by his penis. *Jesus Christ is that real?* A fairly scrawny, short man with a massive cock. But when you’re an artist there are a lot of other things to pay attention to, too. I kept drawing.
We got through the warm-up poses, and it was time for a 15-minute drawing. I asked him if he had a pose in mind. Maybe something sitting? I suggested. He said, “Well maybe my wife would like something a little cheeky!” Then he pulled out some weird caricature of a man in a chef hat holding a mixing bowl and whipping cream in front of his privates. “I printed these out last night.” He pointed to a pile of images, then picked some up and flipped through them for me to see. All pornographic/erotic cartoons. *YIKES. I’m just going to pretend I didn’t see that.* “Why don’t I put my junk in a mixing bowl?! And you can turn it into a cheeky cartoon.” He seemed excited about it, and even though I thought it was totally ridiculous, I also thought hey, this will make for a good story in any case. I don’t really do cartoons, but you know, the client is always right, so I let him have it his way. We did the drawing. It was at this point that I started feeling kind of sick to my stomach, because it’s hard to ignore a giant semi-erect penis in a metal mixing bowl. Then it was time to move on to the 30-minute pose. That’s when shit turned from crazy to, 'Ok I’m just going to turn my brain off now.'
First he excused himself to take a shot of vodka because “I don’t think I can do this without a drink,” as he put it. Then he grabbed the lube off the bookshelf. LUBE OFF THE BOOKSHELF? IN THE LIVING ROOM? And then for 30 minutes he sat down against the couch and slowly stroked his penis so it stayed erect while I drew him. If you’re asking “Why the hell did you not get up and leave right then and there?” I don’t have a good answer for that. Like I said, my brain was turned off at that point. I was in shock. All I knew to do was draw, since that’s what I was there for.
The sound of him stroking his gross penis will haunt me forever. I say sound because I was too disgusted at this point to look at his genitals. He kept reminding me, “Please make my abs look big, because my wife will like that. And make my tip look wet, she’ll like that too.” Actually he was talking about his wife a lot. It didn’t occur to me then, but he was totally manipulating my thoughts by constantly bringing up that this was ‘all for his wife’. I am not the kind of person who judges others for their preferences, so if that’s what she was gonna go for, I wasn’t going to hold it against her. At this point I just wanted my money from this endeavor, because it was already a lot more intense than I’d expected.
I was so relieved when the 30 minute timer went off. And at this point I suggested that, instead of doing a 1-hour drawing, why don’t we just take a picture and I’ll develop a really quality drawing from home? Then I can meet with you next week and present all the work to you, and you can choose which drawings you’d like to buy. Paul was ok with that. “But can we take the picture in my bathroom?” He asked. I’d used his bathroom already. It was tiny.
“I think it’s too small,” I said. I’d have to take the photos from the hallway.”
“That’s fine!” He said. And even though this was totally NOT going to work from an artist’s standpoint, I agreed to do it, because at this point I just wanted to get out as quickly as I could.
Up we went to his bathroom. He turned on the shower, and started getting all sudsy. It was totally weird. I snapped a few photos.
“I think I have what I need, so, um… I think we can wrap up.”
“Ok, but can you do me a favor while we’re here?”
NO!
“Sure…” I said reluctantly. But probably not sounding too reluctant, because I work in customer service and I just don’t know how to be mean to a customer. Never mind that Paul had totally abused his rights as a client.
At this point he thrust his Samsung Galaxy in my hand. *Where did that come from?! And EW, you just touched your penis with that hand!*
“Will you record a quick video for my wife?” I nodded, unable to speak, and pressed record. I couldn’t watch. Well, I could watch enough to make sure the angle and focus was right, because you know, artists are concerned with these things. And there are some things your peripheral vision won’t let you NOT see. Such as helicoptering dicks. YES. This is when I learned what that term meant. Don’t ask me where I’d even heard it before; I have no idea. I saw that man pull and contort his penis in ways I never thought possible, but the funniest was definitely the helicoptering. And it was at THAT point, about a minute into the video, that I said,
“Ok so you’re actually going to need to pay me $15/minute for this to go further.” He apologized profusely, saying he got “too excited” and he hoped he hadn’t made me uncomfortable. I ran downstairs, grabbed my things, and left. I was shaking. I couldn’t believe what had just happened, and that I’d escaped (physically) unscathed. I wasn’t sure if I should go straight into the police station and report him for being a total creep. But I was too embarrassed to do that. So I went home.
Hours later I received an email from Paul. “I’m sorry for getting so excited today, thank you so much for coming. Here are some more images I think you might find helpful for completing the drawings. Could you do one of my wife? Or maybe some of us together?” And the prick had attached a whole suite of images of him, his wife, and him AND his wife doing some of the lewdest, dirtiest things I have ever seen images of. I felt ill. I closed the email.
I was too embarrassed and shaken to tell my boyfriend what happened. I felt somewhat culpable myself, and worried that he’d think I had “asked for it” or something. Besides, had Paul really crossed the line? I wasn’t sure anymore. I couldn’t really remember what had actually happened. I was still in shock.
I was also upset. Paul and I didn’t discuss anything like what happened in our consultation. I’d given him clear examples of the type of work I was going to do for him, and none of it was even mildly pornographic, fetishistic, or otherwise sexualized beyond what you’d expect from a traditional nude drawing. I didn’t think to say “no x-rated shit,” because I thought it was clear we weren’t doing that! But let’s be honest here, to a lot of the world there’s a huge gray area when it comes to art (and “art”) in the nude. Paul exploited that big time. Unfortunately he also exploited ME in the process, by not communicating his true intentions. And I will never forgive him for that, because I was haunted with nightmares and anxiety for months after the event. I was also filled with rage because Paul never actually paid me for the work.
That’s right. I never saw any cash. I finished my end of the bargain within a week. I drew EVERYTHING he wanted, including up-close images of his wife’s pussy and her sucking his cock, because I figured now I could charge more money for my services. I was desperate for cash to validate what I’d just put myself through. I also hoped there would be a higher payout for pornographic drawings.
I sent Paul watermarked, icon-sized images of my work. I figured if he saw how decent the drawings were, he’d pay for them. He wrote back, “Wow, these are amazing!” and referenced specific ones he liked in particular. I sent him rough price quotes--nothing over $130, a real bargain considering the liberties he’d taken--and we arranged a time to meet. But at the last minute Paul texted me to say his daughter was in the hospital with an ear infection, and he needed to tend to her. We rescheduled. His next excuse, a week later? “I’m up in Brisbane. My father fractured his skull.” That’s when I started getting really pissed off.
I texted: “Ok Paul, I understand, but we need to meet up, and I need compensation.”
He replied, “Don’t text me ever again at this number.”
So I sent him an email. This email:
subject: response required
Paul,
I haven't heard back from you in a long time. The silence is deafening.
Before Christmas sneaks up on us, I would like to receive compensation for the work I've done for you. I said in our initial consultation that you didn't have to buy any of my drawings if you weren't satisfied with the quality. In your most recent email reply, you were enthusiastic about what I'd produced, and I am confident that quality is not a problem here.
I am not happy that the design brief changed so drastically from our consultation to when I showed up to your place. I am seeking compensation as much for the time and effort I put into the drawings, as I am for the things that transpired that were not discussed prior to meeting at your house.
It goes without saying that I wouldn't have agreed to this job up front had you explained your true desires. The "unmentioned" aspects of our encounter aside, I was expecting around $300 for the drawings. When you deviated from the original brief, the value of my work grew exponentially. I would like to reclaim at least a portion of what I am owed and believe that $500 cash is a fair price--in fact, it is a bargain. I propose that we meet one last time so I can move on from this transaction, which, I think we can both agree, has yet to be completed. I will give you all your drawings and return your personal pictures in exchange for the $500. At this point, because you have been slow to respond, I am offering all or nothing.
I expect a response from you by Monday afternoon.
Sincerely,
Anne-Marie
His response:
?
Then:
Hi
I've just read your email below
:(
It seems we have had a big misundertanding - I am not sure how to reply
Bye
And because I really wanted to drive the point home that I felt cheated by his actions, I finally sent this:
Paul,
I've spoken to numerous associates about our meetup, both within the field of art and across industries (keeping your details anonymous as I guaranteed you), and everyone agreed that what you put me through was absurd.
You turned the situation from "nude drawing" to "x-rated nude drawing" without warning, and the line between the two is not a fuzzy one. If that's what you wanted, you should have asked for it up front. How I responded in the moment is irrelevant from a business perspective. You may recall the point in your bathroom at which I said "enough;" that was a long time after I started feeling uncomfortable, but I am an earnest student trying to make a buck over the holidays, and I didn't want to screw up my chances when I'd already invested so much time in the project.
In other words: You hired me as an artist. During our meeting you manipulated the situation to your advantage and subjected me to things I did not agree to ahead of time. I want to be sure you understand this.
But these matters aside, the art is finished and available at bargain prices if you would like to purchase some or all of it. If you're still interested, I think the work came out top-notch and I would be happy to sell it to you. Just a starving student here trying to pay some bills.
Cheers
He didn’t reply, of course. I never heard from him again. But I know where he lives, and I don’t think he was planning on moving anytime soon because they had two toddlers and were in the middle of a house remodel. Even if he has moved I’m confident I can still find him, because I have his hotmail address, his mobile number (or one of them, anyway!), and I know what he (and disgusting his penis) looks like! I also have pictures of him and his wife being totally raunchy. Safe to say I have plenty of ammunition for blackmail.
But wait--there’s more! I really should have done this before I met up with him, but a quick google search of his hotmail username brings up some telling results! Looks like he uses the same exact name on several forums about exhibitionism, voyeurism, amateur porn, penis enlargement sites (So THAT’S why he has a huge dick!), you name it. And all you have to do to find out more about this guy is to sign up for an account yourself, then read his dirty, dirty comments. I haven’t done this myself, but my partner did, and he said I’d be better off not checking it out. (Oh, yeah, that’s right, I ultimately told my partner the whole story when I got drunk one night. And he didn’t blame me for anything, of course. But he sure wanted to kill Paul!)
For a long time I wanted to fight back. I lost interest in the money ages ago because I know that realistically, I’m not going to get it. One idea I had was to blow up a picture of him posing naked (I prefer the one of him tied up with neon rope, where his balls are turning purple) and leave it in his front yard or in the park across the street for the world to see. But one of my concerns is that whatever I decide to do, I don’t want it to have a negative impact on his wife and kids, because they’re innocent victims here. I DO think it’s appropriate the wife knows what her husband’s been up to, though. If she doesn’t know already. Then again, what if she’s a weirdo too? What if she’ll find it kinky? Meh, surely even swingers have their limits.
So I suppose that’s all I have to say about this. I promised myself I’d post this story here. I have now fulfilled that promise. Hopefully someone got a laugh out of it. Or learned something through my mistakes. I hope I’ve kept things anonymous enough that nobody’s going to get in trouble, least of all myself.
ALSO, if any potential buyers are interested in viewing my drawings associated with this commission, PM me! I can send you pictures of my work. All the drawings are for sale, and obviously have a great story to go along with them.
NintendoGuy128: Woah you should report this to the police.
zer0t3ch: No laws were broken.
NintendoGuy128: But they didn't pay her.
zer0t3ch: No contract. Still no laws broken.
NintendoGuy128: Yeah that's what I was thinking, she should have made him sign one beforehand. And sending the images to him was a mistake as well.
zer0t3ch: Actually, sending images is common. You send low quality watermarked copies.
NintendoGuy128: Well maybe she sended full HD pictures. I dunno.
zer0t3ch: > I sent Paul watermarked, icon-sized images of my work.
Icon-sized is not full HD.
NintendoGuy128: I guess I didn't read it clearly, my bad, I admit defeat :P
| 10 | 16.7 | |
1386905723 | 1386950210 | null | t5_2to41 | 92 | Gnomeater91: TIFU by accidentally drying a load of laundry with half an ounce of exotic weed in one of my hoodies at my parents house.
Well, tifu. First post here, but I feel like I'm officially in the club. Some unfortunate life circumstances have landed me back at home with my parents, what fun -_- Anyways, I push a little here and there to make some money to try and help out and the past few days I've been a mental wreck with finances and holidays and stuff. I had some work to do outside today, and it's below freezing. I took a hoodie I was going to wear this evening and threw it in the dryer with my other clothes, not thinking about the skunk I had in it. Anyways, everyone is home and in the living room when the entire house starts smelling overwhelmingly of fruity goodness to me, but awful to my family. There's no escaping this, and I decided to just say "Oh man, my friend asked me to hold onto this while his landlord came through. He's gonna be pissed that it went through the dryer!" This wasn't a complete lie, as I am holding onto a couple pieces and junk until his landlord goes back down to Florida. The family was a bit upset about it but didn't blow any gaskets, but it was pretty awkward!
cliff-hanger: Your dryer is going to smell everytime you do laundry for awhile.
Gnomeater91: Im curious to see what it smells like with tons of fabric softener sheets.
ninjasauruscam: MEGA SPLOOF!
| 4 | 23 | |
1386907936 | 1386948485 | null | t5_2to41 | 39 | prawrrr: TIFU by drinking 18 cups of coffee
Of course I spent all day peeing like a horse, but I got almost no work done for tomorrow's final because of how hyped up I was. To top it off now I wont be able to get any sleep.
I have not done too hot in this particular class and if I don't do well then I will most definitely have to retake it next semester. All I can do is hope that I pass with a C in that class or else my school wont count it at all towards my major at all.
IanalystI: You should have another cup. 19th one helps.
AppleSponge: Im not a big fan of prime numbers. Go for a 20.
GravityChanges: 42 is the answer
Cuntmuncher69: 0.
| 5 | 7.8 | |
1386913920 | 1386925852 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | BoogeyManXX: TIFU by asking fora sip as I was leaving.
Simple. A friend I made once. Hanging out with her.
She keeps mentioning her toilet being broken and that her friends peed in cups. I'm about to leave, but ask her if I can have some alcohol that she took from me.
She tells me to take a nearby cup. I drink it. It's piss.
It could've been my preconceived notions, but it strongly treated of piss. Plus, she said she "poetically raped" me. Rape of any kind doesn't feel good.
I freaked out on her, as I said "dude, not cool," and kept asking to wash out my mouth. I just wanted to wash out my mouth. And then she kicked me out.
Never chill with hard core poets in NYC.
sexandliquor: You're trying too hard.
GrapePlasma: How is that trying too hard?
ApacheChi3f: Because he didn't read the whole thing and just read the part of him drinking her piss.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1386911855 | 1386992802 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | Randosity42: TIFU by not realizing the new Hobbit is out
MY friend texted me earlier tonight asking if i wanted to go see the hobbit. I didnt realize the new one was out, and assumed he meant the first part was playing at the small local movie theater which plays movies long after they are released. I saw the first one like 20 times already so i declined. I realized my mistake a couple hours later while browsing reddit, but my friends were already at the theater. So, not only am i at home doing fuck all when i could have been having fun, but now i dont know who the hell im going to go see the new hobbit with because all of my friends went without me. shit
monochromatic0: This is hardly TIFU material in my opinion. You missed a movie, there are countless other opportunities.
ForTheBloodGod: I think there should be tighter control on what a TIFU entails. Someone should be policing these way more heavily and weeding out those that don't match. Same goes for posts which are entirely summed up in their title and only have like 1 sentence of explanation.
monochromatic0: Definitely. I haven't been around for long and I might be mistaken, but I don't see much moderating around. The quality would likely go up with bad or off-topic posts being filtered.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1386929230 | 1386958232 | null | t5_2to41 | 132 | Yoleth: TIFU By deleting my coworker's last month's worth of work
So today, my coworker at a tech company asked me to help him set up a second database for one of our apps.
Him: "I've been working with 'App' for a while now. I've been working hard on making the data in it really great for demos, I just need a second version of 'App' for dicking around with development work."
Me: "OK Great! I've done this before, I'll help you set it up!"
45 minutes later.
Me: "OK That was harder than I thought it would be, but this new instance of App seems to be working! Try bringing up your original App to make sure it still works! :D"
Original version of App comes up.... NO DATA!
Us: (◉︵◉) (◉︵◉)
Me: "Well, looks like there's no data in this anymore"
Him: "..." (trying to be a good sport about it)
Me: "Well that's fucked up. Sorry dude"
**TLDR** Today I fucked up and I feel really bad about it. I lost a lot of his work and he works really hard.
I am going to buy him a cake tomorrow.
*EDIT:* Also I shit my pants via shart by accident at work last week but I didn't feel like making a throwaway account, but might as well share that tidbit too
jon2kx: Okay so contact IT and get the most recent backup. Even desktop volumes are usually backed up these days.
This really is more of a minor inconvenience. Unless you are working on a business unit specific server, which serves as an unofficial test box, you certainly have just suffered a minor setback. Also if it's a clone I don't have enough information to determine what would have happened to the data. What kind of database are we talking here? Mysql Mssql, Mariadb, oracle 10/11g?
PM me if you want some free troubleshooting in the matter.
Also, sorry to hear about the shart. I've shit my pants a few times, thinking it was a fart, but it was usually the full monty.
_Fah-Q_: Disc space these days is so cheap!
jon2kx: Indeed, the price per megabyte has continually declined over the years, due to progress in storage tech.
| 4 | 33 | |
1386938164 | 1387036162 | null | t5_2to41 | 632 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling mom about my godsister's pregnancy
EDIT: ninang, ate, and bunso are not actual names. They are filipino terms for family members.
Today my mom told me that she recieved an email from Ninang (my godmother) saying that our godsister Ate (big sister) is pregnant.
Ate has been sort-of estranged for a while now; she moved across the state and cut off most ties to the family because Ninang is crazy judgmental and put her down so much that she spiraled into a depression that she was only able to get out of by leaving. I am the only person who still talks to Ate because she's awesome.
So my bullshit-o-meter went off like crazy because of three facts:
1. Ate doesn't talk to Ninang. Not even through intermediates. She took her documents and left from her life completely.
2. Ate is career minded. She has stated before that she wouldn't have a kid until she landed her dream career and been at it for a few years, and would get an abortion if needed.
3. Bunso (younger sister) is pregnant. Sbe told me this herself and plans to keep it.
I told my mom,"what? You mean Bunso, right?"
And she's like "nah b, it was definitely Ate." (Paraphrased)
Get back later, and of course I was right. Ninang was planning to hide Bunso's pregnancy by pretending the kid when it is born was Ate's and that they (Ninang and Bunso) have to take care of it. Now Bunso is mad at me for letting the cat out of the bag, and Ninang is freaking out over Facebook about how I'm a gangbanger and threatened to shoot her; while it is a boldface lie, everyone will believe her because I used to sell drugs. That wouldn't be a problem if she wasn't a pillar of the local Filipino community, which will probably kill my chances of getting married.
While I don't regret telling the truth, I am mad at how I'm vilified for doing it. I'm also sad about Bunso hating me at the moment, because I love both her and Ate equally.
Tldr; godmother pretends one daughter is pregnant to hide other daughter's pregnancy, I counterspell the lie and now I'm a gun-toting thug.
Bagnag: If you don't like how your culture is, then move like Ate.
elforc: I like my culture, my Ninang is just a shitty person
KingSiLLyMaN: expose her then.... how does her lying make you a thug?
KerChowPow: Different culture, any form of disrespect towards elders (whether or not it is meant in a disrespectful way) will land you in a world of pain and a more than a few angry Tagolog phrases being shot off.
KingSiLLyMaN: so what? its still wrong.
Edit: and if its ok to disrespect and spread rumors about someone just because you have status and dont want to be caught in a bold faced lie i dont think you deserve the respect anymore
[deleted]: You don't earn or lose respect, you inherit it from seniority.
KingSiLLyMaN: actually its very easy to lose someones respect. lying to peoples faces over and over usually does the trick
[deleted]: In North America yes, but I work with a ton a philipinos (yes, at Dairy Queen) and that's just how their culture is.
| 9 | 70.222222 | |
1386947483 | 1386988667 | null | t5_2to41 | 141 | kimera-houjuu: TIFU by losing a memory card.
I lost two weeks worth of finals group project work with a deadline within two days by losing the memory card with the only copies of our clips. Now I have to beg the professor to excuse my groupmates.
kroneksix: WHY DO PEOPLE NEVER BACK THINGS UP! GOOD GOD ITS FREE
Jimmerism: You know of a free online backup? Care to share?
*Awesome, thanks everyone!
CptnAmerica: Where did they say online backup?
blorgensplor: Considering he said "its free" , it should be assumed he meant a service that could potential cost you money. Seeing how storing it on your own computer won't cost you anything..it's a safe bet he meant an online storage service.
CptnAmerica: Are you that dumb? Why should I assume he meant a service that could potentially cost money when he said "it's free." Any rational person would assume the opposite given the way he worded the statement.
He meant an offline backup - like to an external HDD. No shit you can store your stuff on your own computer, but that's not a very effective backup, is it?
watchout5: Storing things on your own computer when the only copy you have is on a thumb drive is exactly what this was about?
| 7 | 20.142857 | |
1386903656 | 1386951455 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | awkward_hedgehog: TIFU with brainfarts.
TIFU. I don't know what to say, its finals week and I'm going a little insane. Forgetting shit, being more clumsy than usual, random crap. It was all harmless… until I forgot to turn in my final for a class within the 24 hour window my professor was accepting it. I had it fished a week early, but couldn't turn it in until yesterday, and I just forgot.
This prof is notorious for holding us to strict rules, yet breaking them herself (getting super bitchy about people missing class, yet not showing up without so much as an email) as well as randomly changing policies, sometimes hours before the due date of a several month project.
I emailed her, begging for partial credit, but I don't have very much hope.
I've had an A, but with a zero on this I'll get a D.
placid871: Don't email her, go and talk to her if you can...
awkward_hedgehog: She's only ever on campus for classes, which are over now.
| 3 | 4 | |
1386949049 | 1387216207 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | le_bravery: TIFU by getting a D in a class and now I can't graduate
I bombed the final.
The worst part is that I have a job lined up for January 13th and now I have to tell my boss about the fuck up and maybe have my offer declined.
Fuck.
edit: Things turned out decently. I did an internship this semester that I'm going to get to retroactively count for credit. I will graduate from college without taking any additional classes. I told my boss at work and he told me that he liked my integrity and honesty for coming clean about it and having a plan to recover. The job and salary are still on the table regardless of my degree.
More on the reason I failed: The professor is an extremely hard grader with no teaching ability to merit it. The average % in the class was a 58. I got a 54, and he would not bump me up. Every professor in the department knows that him and one other professor are terrible, but they can't be pushed out. My overall GPA, even with the D is a 3.4 (I only lost about .06 points because of it). This semester, I also got a B in a graduate level class with a foundation in high-level mathematics and completed two project based classes with A's, one from the best/most challenging professor in the department. Sure, maybe I could have studied more, but this professor isn't free of blame on this part.
**TL;DR** managed to not lose my job offer or starting salary, I'll graduate next semester. Working hard and being honest about mistakes helped me recover.
[deleted]: Go to the professor's office hours and explain the situation. If you've been pretty good about coming to class and doing the work, professors are sometimes willing to be merciful.
le_bravery: Yeah, I tried that. He's known department wide as terrible. He's a hard grader with no teaching skills to back it up. Its 100%.
aDDnTN: go over his head, see the dean of that college or dept head, whichever is next in line.
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1386948073 | 1386963568 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | jm114249: TIFU by getting on the bus
No, I didn't shit myself, but it wasn't loads better.
Got on the bus on the way home from lectures at uni with friends from my course. The bus is full so I'm standing which is fine, though it's in one of the more open sections of the standing area so I need to reach up for the rings to hold on to. Which is also fine.
At this point I should also mention that it's the last day of lectures and a big programming project hand in day, so I am knackered. I am also a big guy, and of my skills good balance isn't one of them.
Deciding that I might fall over if I remain hanging onto the rings, I decide to reach for a pole a couple of feet away. As I do so the bus goes round a corner and I lose my balance. It takes me a while to properly lose it though, so there were a good five-ten seconds where I knew I was going to fall on someone, but wasn't yet in a position to apologise profusely.
Inevitably I fall, and the student, middle-aged woman and old man seem reasonably OK with the situation. I feel like a tit. I stand up to see a friend of a friend absolutely pissing herself with laughter, trying to do it subtly. My friends pretended not to notice at the time, but between the lot of them I'm not going to hear the end of it. Or get that bus again.
At least I didn't shit myself.
TL;DR - Big guy falls on people on a bus, people see, mock him, no one shits themselves. Sounds far less dramatic or entertaining than the full version.
Mandanna: The fact that you're trying to make it explicitly clear that you didn't shit yourself makes me think you shit yourself.
jm114249: People shitting themselves seems to be a thing around here. Was just trying to see the lighter side to this already rather funny (at least for others) situation.
Had I shat myself as I fell on a fellow student, middle aged woman and old man I wouldn't be posting to reddit as I'd be too busy changing my identity and planning to leave the country for a while...
Mandanna: And only after doing all that would it be safe to post it to reddit. With a throwaway of course. haha
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1386950282 | 1386953778 | null | t5_2to41 | 166 | sorepheet: TIFUpdate: $.40 court summons
Here's original TIFU: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/um8pr/tifu_accidentally_gave_toll_booth_2_nickels/
Update is that NOTHING has happened to me! My lawyer submitted paperwork requesting court date be moved, we never heard back. His thoughts are that now here we are a year+ later someone with some common sense saw the "crime" and made it go away.
Lawyer has looked into the matter and there is no longer a file or incident in the records! He didn't want to raise too much of a stink and risk in his words, "having it reappear". Since that time I've had two job related background checks, I'm thinking if anything had been there to find someone would have let me know.
Ignorance is bliss. As far as trying to get revenge on officer, I've let it go. Can't really raise a stink where there was no court appearance and now it has just "gone away".
HUGE thanks to reddit for ALL the advice, karma and support. I'm gonna go back into my hiding and keeping my fingers crossed that it truly is taken care of.
GravityChanges: OP Delivers ^boring^as^it^may^be
but seriously, that was cool of you and I'm glad I got to read how it turned out!
sorepheet: Agreed. I've been waiting to post the update cuz there's still a part of me that wonders if it *truly* has been dealt with.
In this case I'm pretty psyched that the turnout is as tame as it is. If I had to go to court over $.40 I'd probably been arrested for swinging fists.
| 3 | 55.333333 | |
1386950821 | 1386957665 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | JesusBuiltMyHotrod: TIFU: By missing a required training
I am in grad school to finish my Masters of Social Work degree. I am scheduled to finish up in the Spring. But, I have to complete an internship during my final semester. It's 450 hours spread out over 16 weeks. It's hellish when working full-time. I did it once, and basically there's no way I can do it again.
So, my plan was to go on leave at my current job. This would allow me to balance the internship and school work while not dying from exhaustion. It's great too, because my house is on the market and might sell by mid January. This means I'd have no rent (I am staying with my father in law) and can float my bills much more easily.
Well, here's where I fuck up. Remember that job I was mentioning? I've been working 12-13 hour days. Every day. Since September. I just got an email from the field office telling me that they were "concerned for my field readiness" as I had not completed the required training session this past weekend. FUCK. This training happens once per semester and I've heard that they have turned down students from entering field when they miss it. Awesome. My job thinks that I'm quitting (as they just denied my request for leave and PTO). And, that safety net that I potentially built up with the sale of my house? Worthless. Thanks, Career Point!
**TL;DR:** I missed a required training for an internship and now I probably cannot finish school in the Spring. I have already gone through the motions to quit my job and had a great plan to have almost no expenses while in the internship...and that is gone.
JWard515: This sounds almost just like something that just happened to my friend at work.
JesusBuiltMyHotrod: Ruh roh
| 3 | 7 | |
1386968704 | 1387071947 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,482 | itismedamnit: TIFU by not bringing a calculator to my chemistry final
...and the teacher wouldn't allow me to use a calculator app on my tablet, or use another student's extra calculator because it was a graphing calculator (not allowed ever).
At least half of the questions required a calculator in order to compute the answer. I almost cried because for once I had actually studied exactly what was on the test. I was able to write out the whole equation and steps needed to get the answer, but couldn't do the complex sums in my head. Near the end of the test period one of the lab assistants slipped me a calculator, but it wasn't enough time to go back and do all the math questions.
I had a 'B' in the class before the final... I'll be lucky if I don't have to retake the entire class now.
Justtryme90: When I graded general chemistry exams (I assume that's what this is), the vast majority of the points were assigned for the setup, rather than the final calculated answer. You might not do as poorly as you think.
itismedamnit: unfortunately this wasn't one of those "show your work" exams (the other ones were)... it was straight scan-tron.
Justtryme90: Oh, barf. Scantron chemistry exams are the worst. Well, hope for the best. Many people do really poorly on their finals, so if the class is graded on a curve you still might be pretty good. At least passing regardless.
mattymck: one of my finals in engineering was originally out of 36.
They belled it down so that the person with the highest mark got 100.
That person got 10. i had 8. Bell curves are my friend
0x7270-3001: But that's not a bell curve.
Kellianne: You're right.people don't understand what a bell curve is. Unless you are number 1 or 2 in your class, bell curves are generally not your friend. In a true bell curve if 2% of the grades are A's, 2% must be F's as well. This [explaination and diagram](http://www.calcunation.com/calculators/miscellaneous/bell-curve-grade.php) do a pretty good job explaining it.
Edit: Fixed link!
neanderthalman: No, they can set the mean of the bell at many values such that an almost arbitrary number of students can fail (even zero).
This assumes percentage scores which are translated into letter grades.
Kellianne: In a true bell curve the mean is always the average score--earning a C as do the scores in the largest part of the curve. After establishing the mean score, the rest of the bell is calculated by using the total number of students taking the test and the deviation from that mean, having little to do with their actual score.
neanderthalman: And that's the point - the average need not be a C. The mean and standard deviation can be arbitrarily selected.
Kellianne: Traditionally the letter grade C exactly translates to "average" A teacher may designate a different one and whatever standard deviations he/she chooses but then it is not a traditional Bell Curve.
| 11 | 134.727273 | |
1386960897 | 1387142512 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by missing the last day of class
So I fucked up badly. Last night I went out for my birthday and I ate and drank things. I'm pretty sure something I ate was bad but it didn't affect me right away, it didn't taste like it should have.
I get back to my apartment and go to sleep.
I wake up for my 8:30am class and I feel like death. I run to the bathroom and vomit. For good 10+ mins I was there, sitting on the floor with my head hung over the toilet bowl.
The class earlier this week my Professor said that class is mandatory, since it is the last one of the semester and we will do an extra credit assignment for the final due next Friday.
I thought it was in mine and my classmates best interest to not go. I had to drive(I live off campus) and didn't want to get sick on the way there or in class.
So yeah now I don't know what to do. I probably should email him and explain what happened.
tl;dr: Ate some bad food, got sick, missed last day of class.
Obse: Next time if it tastes funny, don't eat it!
But honestly, everyone's sick so unless he's a complete jerk he'll understand. Just be completely sincere.
[deleted]: If he *_is_* a complete jerk go to the faculty/department.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1386971500 | 1387329893 | null | t5_2to41 | 56 | Janununuh: TIFU by misreading the finals schedule.
So I was up until 2:00 this morning studying for my last final of the quarter. It wasn't supposed to start until 1:00pm today though, so I was gonna be just fine.
Or so I thought.
__________
I woke up early, and I was going to leave my house at noon to get there early and look over some notes one last time. My worst nightmare is misreading the finals schedule and missing a test, so a bit before I leave my house, I decided to check one last time just to confirm.
Wait.
Holy shit. ***NO.***
It started at 10:30.
shitshitshitshisthit. SHIT. It's okay though, I still have about an hour left to get there and take it.
I throw on some clothes, hop on my bike and start pedaling. I get about halfway to campus when I hear a gunshot noise and hissing sounds.
My rear tire blew.
Now, I work as a bike mechanic for a living, and I know how fucked a bike wheel can get if you ride it flat, but I'll be damned if I don't keep on trudging onwards to this godforsaken exam. And if you've never ridden a bike with a flat tire before, it takes about a thousand times more effort to get anywhere, plus it gets more slippery than a Canadian winter back there.
So I finally get there with about twenty minutes to spare, sweating profusely, there's not a single person is left in the lecture hall but my professor sitting there, so I join him and crank out the fastest scantron test anyone's ever seen.
I walked out of that lecture hall, changed my bike's tube in the parking lot, and headed on home.
I get halfway there and I hear a big hissing floppity noise.
Godfuckingdamnit.
It happened again. (My tire ended up with a big tear after riding it flat that caused this one.)
I walk home.
I try not to cry.
I cry a lot.
I lay down.
I realize that today is Friday the 13th.
____________
(You know though, to be fair, [just look at the monstrosity that is this finals schedule](http://i.imgur.com/HTgs3v4.png), I'm surprised anybody manages to make it to their exams at all)
____________
tl;dr: Showed up to a final over an hour late with a flat tire on Friday the 13th. I'm not superstitious but fuck this. Happy holidays, y'all.
notyorealmom: how do you think you did on the final?
Janununuh: Not bad hopefully. It was just *super* rushed is all.
[deleted]: How do you do 'not bad' on a final exam in 20 minutes?
My finals are all 3 hours, and no one leaves before 3 hours
AcaciaJules: Wow, I've never had anything beyond a scheduled 1.5 hrs, and never needed more than 45 minutes. (and I've *finally* graduated! Wahoo!)
| 5 | 11.2 | |
1386972412 | 1386989615 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | Javiergoldblum: TIFU by losing my wallet with both my fake ID and my real ID inside.
Today at school, I was buying breakfast. They had a 2-for-1 deal on biscuits, and I got really excited. I pulled out my wallet, paid, and walked off. 50 minutes later, I get a slip to come to the campus police office. At this point, I still have no idea that my wallet wasn't on my person. I get there, and be busts out the wallet. Talks about how it's a felony, and that I'm technically an adult. I get lucky, and he doesn't turn it in to the district attorney. In school suspension all next week, and I got a phone call home to the parentals.
majorkev: How old are you? And where are you?
Javiergoldblum: 17 in Texas. I'm technically an adult, I could be in jail right now
majorkev: I'm no fancy pants lawyer, but I found the following thingies:
1. [Link](http://codes.lp.findlaw.com/txstatutes/CP/6/129/129.001)
2. [Link](http://codes.lp.findlaw.com/txstatutes/CP/6/129/129.002)
Javiergoldblum: Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised If he was trying to scare me, but It doesn't Matter much anyways. It wasn't a time to go in and act euphoric and start challenging the laws lol
majorkev: "It was a novelty sir. My friends and I did this at a party. I keep it in my wallet to remember. Jimmy died shortly after, and Tommy has never been the same."
Javiergoldblum: A novelty with UV and scans! Haha, not a bad idea though.
SolarWonk: From Mr. ID?
| 8 | 3 | |
1386973443 | 1386987491 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | fuckinweird: TIFU By calling posion control while high
My friend gave me these pot cookies, now I’ve never tried an edible before so I decided half would be a safe bet to take. That was a bad decision. So my boyfriend and I both eat a half then walk around town to check out the event going on. A 2 hours pass, we're freezing and still haven't felt the effect of the cookies, so we head back to my dorm. The moment we get up to the dorm we start feeling weird. All of a sudden everything hits us at once. At this point everyone in my dorm is super baked. After who knows how long my roommate decides to try out this fake snow in a can she has. It comes with a baggie of white dust and a mini blue shovel. I just HAD to shovel the white dust in to the can, how could I not? Anyways while I’m shoveling this snow I’m making a huge mess and some gets on the package of seaweed that I was eating earlier.
My roommates told me not to eat it and just throw it away but super baked me just brushes it off and continues to eat the rest. At first I’m feeling fine but then the seaweed starts tasting funny then I read the warning label on the fake snow which says, If ingested call poison control. I ignore that warning for a while but then my throat starts feeling weird, it was like there was bubbles expanding in my throat. I start freaking out reading up online if there’s anything else is can do before call poison control. I have no idea whether I’m just high or if I’m getting sick. So I start texting my buddy to see what he thinks after a bit he tells me just to call poison control. So I do. I tell the lady that I ate the snow, I don't know how much I ate, or how long ago I ate it (honestly at this point it felt like I had ate it days ago) then she starts asking things like, Why did you eat this snow? What are your symptoms? So I tell her my symptoms. I pretty much described the symptoms of being high to the lady of the phone. I can tell that she’s trying to hold back her laughter but tries to console me. She says "hunny this is not from the snow but if you still feel bad go to the emergency room". I'm super confused at this point, not knowing that I had just described being high to her. So I text my friend about what they said, and he calls me to check up. I tell him again what I’m feeling. He starts laughing saying "girl your just really really high" then says I’ll be fine and to go to bed.
Oh I forgot to mention that poison control asked for my name and said they would call back the next day. I'm probably in some database now. To make things worse a few days later my friend who was less high then me that night tells me that I didn't actually eat any fake snow.
**TIFU** by calling poison control after getting high and eating fake snow; basically confessing to the lady that i was really high
manapan: They only call back if you get disconnected or if they have a customer satisfaction survey.
Can confirm: Am the mother of a hand sanitizer chugging, fiberglass insulation eating 2.5 year old. Have called way too many times.
fuckinweird: Actually they did end up calling back
manapan: Wow! I'm shocked.
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1387002608 | 1387008828 | t3_1su210 | t5_2to41 | 43 | achubbo: Don't listen to him, you are beautiful as fuck masterpenut.
[deleted]: He didn't say that op was ugly, he said she didn't find him attractive. There's a pretty big difference.
[deleted]: Of all the men apachechi3f fantasizes about to the point of orgasm, OP is unfortunately not one of them. Which is probably a compliment.
ApacheChi3f: I mean, I didn't say that to be a dick, besides the fact that people still believe dumb social stigmas like being 'beta' or 'alpha', I was just being blunt. Masterpenut is probably a very handsome individual but attraction doesn't only fall under external appearances and if there were actually something between him and said girl, they would've been together by now.
[deleted]: That's the most intelligent response to an insult I've seen in a very long time. Thanks for being mature apache :)
| 5 | 8.6 | |
1386983263 | 1387039586 | null | t5_2to41 | 50 | stupidfreshman: TIFU and got a cyst on my wrist from fapping too much.
Hey guys. I noticed this weird bump on my wrist this afternoon and had a minor freak out. I thought it may have been a bone or something. Anyway, I dropped by the emergency room after school to check it out and I was told that the bump was actually a cyst. I was then handed a packet of instructions on how to manage it and such. As I was reading it, I immediately felt a dropping feeling as I read under "possible causes," "frequent and repetitive movement in sports or an appendage." Only one more thing to do now.
ToxixDaggerz: Sounds like you need some time on /r/NoFap
Captain_Ludd: its like rehab for redditors
Chuckgofer: It's more like a goddamn cult
| 4 | 12.5 | |
1386986502 | 1387097634 | null | t5_2to41 | 53 | weedpornography: TIFU by clogging the toilet
I took a huge dump that clogged my toilet so i used a hairbrush to smush it up and then disposed of it into my trash can. My boyfriend came into my room a few minutes later and asked why are you throwing away this perfectly good hair brush. He was holding the shit end.
Krazee9: Do you not have a plunger?
weedpornography: No, my girlfriend doesn't know what a plunger is apparently.
Quick_man: Girlfriend or boyfriend? Your comment and post differ
Edit: or shared account..?
weedpornography: Shared
alpineliam: TIL that people have shared accounts. How is that? It would seem a bit weird for me.
TheBanger: This is a shared account with one of my friends. I believe it will cause someone hilarity to look at the difference between my comment and post history.
alpineliam: Cool. Yeah you're right I had just never come across that before.
| 8 | 6.625 | |
1386991886 | 1387030551 | null | t5_2to41 | 37 | drifter15: TIFU by chewing gum
... and masturbating. The gum fell out of my mouth and is now entangled into my pubic hair. I cannot move without tugging on the hair and have tried to cut it out, there is so much gum it clogged the scissors.
ClopTilYouDrop: Is it bubble-cum or pubermint?
ForTheBloodGod: Probably spearmint
| 3 | 12.333333 | |
1386986327 | 1387156543 | null | t5_2to41 | 37 | [deleted]: TIFU: porn in class, the usual
So I had 2 tabs open on my Mac in class today: one of them was Tumblr, which I forgot to close from the night before. I completely forgot that I stopped scrolling at a chick fingering herself. The other was a project for class. I show a friend (a girl) the project and without thinking I click the x for that tab. It hit me literally a fourth of a second later as the screen switches to a 5-panel gif of a girl fingering herself. I promptly went full autist and started hugging my laptop while somewhat screaming. I'm 60 percent sure she saw but was cool about it.
Today I fucked up, not the worst one but it's up there for me.
[deleted]: That's nothing. I was once at a Sunday brunch my church has once a month. I used to teach at the parish school, so I know all the parents. I was talking to some folks, and wanted to show them an infographic I found online. So I open the Photos app on the Ipad. And then . . .
Wait! Just so you know I never keep porn on my Ipad, because my wife would find it. My wife knows I watch it, but doesn't want to see it. What I forgot was THE NIGHT BEFORE WE MADE A BUNCH OF SEX PHOTOS!
So all our friends from church got to see my wife taking it doggy style. She doesn't know and never will. We're Catholic, so we're good at covering stuff up.
[deleted]: Yay for Catholicism! I've covered stuff up like that too, you aren't alone.
| 3 | 12.333333 | |
1386996565 | 1387274531 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,209 | DirtyTexting: TIFU by sending a dirty text to my professor during class
My professor is an old family friend, so I knew him before this class and had his number from a few years back. My boyfriend happens to have the same name as him. He got a new number today, and before I had it saved as "(his name) <3", so there was never any ambiguity. But, as I obviously don't text or call my professor, I had forgotten I even had his number, so I saved my bfs new number as "(his name)".
Prior to class, I was with my boyfriend, so I hadn't texted him in hours while I had been texting other people, so our convo thread was close to the bottom of all my texts and lazy me just started a new text instead of going down. Basically, the text went something along the lines of "I can't wait to get done with this stupid class and get back into bed with you;)" and without thinking, I sent it immediately to his name. Except, it wasn't him.
My professors phone went off shortly after I sent it, and he said "Sorry - My sister is having a baby, I need to check this". Alright, cool, but after he read it he got this really "OMFGWTF" look on his face and stammered that everyone should do some problem in the book. It was weird, but he recovered. After class, he asked me to stay a second, and we ended up fucking.
Just kidding, he told me to delete his number immediately as he could potentially get fired and I get in disciplinary trouble if anyone saw this, accident or not. :(
**TL;DR** If you're going to send an 'I cant wait to get back in bed with you' text to your SO, make damn sure it isn't a close family friend & sending it could potentially ruin his/her career
HazeXL: I was a fan of the "we ended up fucking"
FucktasticPen15: It's only natural
ilikeeatingbrains: "It can't hurt your GPA."
Underoverthrow: "I'll give you the D if you give me an A"
ilikeeatingbrains: *shlick shlick shlick*
| 6 | 201.5 | |
1387000830 | 1387041538 | null | t5_2to41 | 96 | bearjew293: TIFU: Bought a used car, turns out title has Notary signature that doesn't match Notary's name on the seal stamp.
So after I purchased the car, I tried to transfer the title. Didn't work out because the signature of the Notary doesn't coincide with the rubber stamp on it (the signature is barely even legible.) I was told to get a bill of sale, but I can't even contact the person who sold it to me: my phone calls are being ignored.
What kind of shitty situation is this? I even have the previous owner's signature on the back of the title...
CAHooptie: Call the police, file a report.
bearjew293: I get the feeling they're just gonna take the car, and I'm probably never gonna get my money back if I do. Is it possible that the clerk at the office was just being nitpicky about the signature? It's just really hard to read.
[deleted]: which is about 100 times better than the cops saying you figured out it was stolen and still tried to transfer the title.
you could try to sue in small claims court.
bearjew293: well I looked up the VIN online and it hasn't been reported stolen, so that shouldn't be a concern, right? the issue is just trying to find the dude who sold it to me. can I give the phone number to the police and have them find this person for me? I even have the craigslist post screencapped.
| 5 | 19.2 | |
1387004224 | 1387337526 | null | t5_2to41 | 49 | well_fucked_up: TIFU by failing the semester.
Today I fucked up. Well, more accurately, over the course of several months, I fucked up.
I've been struggling with depression for years now. This past May, in fact, I was hospitalized in a mental ward on account of depressive and suicidal thoughts. I also routinely have anxiety attacks, and, somewhat recently, I've developed an unhealthy habit of avoiding/suppressing anxiety-inducing places, activities, thoughts, etc.
I don't communicate (i.e. cry and whine about) my problems to anybody, except for a counselor I meet with once a week. And, unfortunately, I have a broken family waiting for me back home, with parents who, in the past, were more willing to emotionally manipulate me and physically hit me rather than empathize and understand.
Anyway, that's enough bitching. You get it. So, I stopped caring. I stopped attending classes. I stopped handing in assignments. For about a month now. I just woke up, distracted myself 'til nightfall, and then went back to sleep.
My first final is in 6 hours. I am unprepared (and under-slept). *Really* unprepared. But I just feel *really* apathetic. Blegh.
Shurtugal929: Well do your best. Force yourself to study as much as humanly possible this next week; if not to pass, then to at least get as high a mark as possible..
If you DO fail this semester, then that's okay. You can do next sememster / next year (with a lightended course load, by force)
Do better here.
well_fucked_up: Yeah, I've cracked open the book. Why try, though? To what end?
onetrueping: You do it to do better than the shitty people at home. You do it to get out on your own, to support yourself without their intervention, to rise far above the abuse and mess and show them, once and for all, that you are better than what they claim you are, better than *them*.
Depression, especially during college, can be a bitch. Your first step should be to set yourself up so you don't have to go home when it's the off-periods. Get a job, get an apartment, get a roommate if necessary. Start paying every expense on your own. Struggle to do well, not because it's a good idea for your future, but because doing so gets you even farther from the suffering that is your home life. I understand that everything seems gray and hopeless, but this isn't about hope. It's about spite. Because feeling something is better than feeling nothing.
Surprisex2: I'm struggling with apathy/depression, and that helped me so much. Thank you.
onetrueping: Don't thank me, thank Hyperbole And A Half. My fiance has had awful bouts of anxiety and depression in the past, and she found the Hyperbole and a Half description to be the best way to communicate what it's like. I've also had some experience with college depression myself (unnoticed until after I'd dropped out), so I know how crappy it can be, even with a supportive and helpful family.
Hope and happiness is all well and good, but anger can be just as powerful a motivator. Good luck to you.
| 6 | 8.166667 | |
1387018461 | 1387124909 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | GaugePlays: Barman Issues
SilentSamamander: Hey, as per rule 1 of the subreddit, all posts must begin "TIFU". I'll have to delete this thread, but please do repost with an appropriate title.
GaugePlays: Oh okay, sorry man - still a noob will do in the future, Thanks
SilentSamamander: No problem!
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1387042064 | 1387082963 | null | t5_2to41 | 750 | LoverGirl1219: TIFU by not putting away my BDSM material
So a little backstory... I live at home, as I'm a senior in high school and recently my SO and I have discorvered that we both enjoy some pretty kinky foreplay/sex, so while I was at state cross country away from my parents prying over protective eyes I went and bought a cock ring, a riding crop, a corset type lingerie, among some other things.
Now here is where I screwed up... I hadn't unpacked everything yet and my room as a teenager is a horrible mess. So naturally my mom always bugs me to clean it and I'm always like, yeah sure mom in a minute. And it never actually gets done. Well as it turns out my mom took initiative and cleaned the majority of my room... And now my small suitcase will all my lovely sex stuff is missing and I know she has to have found it and I'm freaking out because if she tells my SO's parents they'll ship him off to Alaska and I'll never see him again...
Shit has yet to hit the fan, but it will... My mom has no idea I'm even remotely sexually active... I will update if possible... If I'm not murdered by my mother...
Edit: So my mom came home from shopping and when I brought up her cleaning my room she said she threw some things away, but if I wanted to go through it to make sure it wasn't anything I wanted to keep in there. I looked after she went to take her nap before she went to work and it wasn't in there... Then I also recall her telling me that my sister cleaned out the suitcase because she needed it for some reason... so now my sister probably has it and I'm still on the hunt for my BDSM gear.
firestorm6: Why the fuck was your mom cleaning your room? It pisses me off to no end when parents do this, then yell at the kids for what they found.
Raveynfyre: Their house, their rules. Unless the kid is paying rent, they own everything in her room. Especially if she's under 18.
phoenixink: I agree "their house, their rules" but that doesn't mean they "own" everything of hers. People deserve privacy, even if they are under 18. But I am guessing that you and I disagree on that.
I just know that when my kids reach a certain age, they are going to get their privacy, to a certain extent - no barging in on them (or "knocking" *while* opening the door). My parents treated me with respect and privacy, because I am my own person, and I intend to do the same for my children, as long as they show that they are responsible.
Raveynfyre: I'm not saying it's right or wrong, it seems to be the way they have chosen to parent, and that is their right in my book.
phoenixink: Fair enough :-) Yes, I agree that even if you don't agree with your parents' rules, while you are living at home, you should respect them. I just don't agree that they *own* all of their children's belongings just because they live in their house. I don't own my husbands belongings, even though we live together and in reality I have free reign to use whatever he has (and vice versa). Likewise, once my son is older and has his own belongings, they are his. It would be disrespectful, in my opinion, to take his things away from him just because I don't like them (with the exception of if he dipped into hard drug use, or something like that)
Raveynfyre: >I don't own my husband's belongings
That really depends on where you live, and if he brought it into the marriage, or purchased them afterwards.
phoenixink: I'm speaking more on a practical level. We allow each other to use the others items without question, unless its something like his sketchbook or my face lotion, etc.
Ormagan: But face lotion makes for such a baby smooth dick....
phoenixink: Nah, that's what the coconut oil is for! Seriously though, hand job with coconut oil is the best way to moisturize a dick. My face lotion is citrusy anyway, not sure of that combination.
Ormagan: Ooh... A citrusy face lotion actually sounds awesome. I use an unscented one that's labelled as an after shaving lotion and it's okay, but I think a good citrus scent would be lovely.... But then again I'm a weirdo who loves to sniff vinegar and even sometimes "sip" it (re: get my lips wet with it and then lick it off).
phoenixink: Just seems like citrus + genitals is a really risky combo!
Ormagan: I am not arguing that, I've tried using toothpaste. Also gold bond anti itch lotion is absolutely a no go... That menthol sensation is nice on almost anything but your balls.
phoenixink: Toothpaste? Oh my
| 14 | 53.571429 | |
1387043570 | 1387056107 | null | t5_2to41 | 145 | Ande_Ka_Funda: TIFU trying to boil milk while I was super stoned
As I was watching a video called "How to boil milk" and this happened:
http://i.imgur.com/3g6Jl16.jpg
lostdeceiver: Question. What were you going to do with the milk after you boiled it?
Edit: Forgot a word.
Ande_Ka_Funda: I really don't know. I'm still stoned.
I think i wanted to cool it and then have Cornflakes.
DemHooksOP: Im sorry but this is hilarious.
le_mous: That comment along with this post has my vote for fuckup of the weekend.
| 5 | 29 | |
1387048424 | 1387177576 | null | t5_2to41 | 113 | goodonedude: TIFU in the name of love.
Yesterday was a succession of fuckups, every individual one being worse than the one before. I've never had a truly ridiculous day, so please bear with me in this journey.
The array of fuckups began a week and two days ago, when my shitgargling asshole of a suitemate maintained a steady parade of people in and out of his room from 8pm to 4am, showing off and sharing his ounce of weed. I smoke myself, but he is the kind of smoker who snapchats everyone on his friends list a picture of a bud with a lighter for scale and "omggggggggggg" and "f*ckdddd upppp ;P" and other comments that make me want to grate blue cheese with his face. This isn't the only reason I hate him; that's another story. The TL;DR of this kid is "Calls mom in to do his cleaning at college and brags about it."
Anyway, so it's finals week, on a Thursday, and he's pulling this fuckery. I'm planning on leaving my school in New York on the 20th to go on vacation, and then returning home to Florida on the 28th. However, with the pile of dishes in the sink (Shitgargler's), trash stinking up the dorm (Shitgargler's duty, but his mom had to work, so), and a neverending stream of like-minded individuals all circlejerking over an ounce of weed, I had enough. I booked a ticket back to Florida for Friday the 13th. What's the worst that could happen?
**A lot.**
I'm very frugal; I have to be, with my family's economic situation and the loans I took out to go to school in New York City, even though I did get a pretty great aid package. I searched for hours for this ticket, and eventually got one around $130, which is very reasonable.
I had been talking to my ex/current/kind of/long distance/ girlfriend about how excited I was to come home and see her on the 28th. I was coming home two weeks earlier now, but I thought, Why tell her? It'll be a great surprise.
Fast forward to Thursday night. I had squeezed two weeks of final paper writing into five days, and was hurting. I was exhausted, I was leaving town in 20 hours, and I was just done with New York in general. Suddenly, a text. My friend from downstairs wanted to say goodbye before I left.
Turns out, four of us said goodbye to half a fifth of jack and half a fifth of cinnamon whiskey. I stumble upstairs at 4am, look at my paper still pulled up on my computer, shrug, and pass out.
I woke up at 9 to go to my volunteer teaching gig in Chinatown. It was the last class of the semester, so everyone was bringing in home-cooked food for a bit of a potluck. At this point, I was coming out of the hangover. Whiskey normally makes me poop like crazy, but I didn't. This should have been an enormous red flag to avoid eating homemade Asian food, but no. The hangover must be fed. I ate everything.
Two hours later, I headed to Little India to meet a professor and class for an end of the year free meal. Once again, haven't pooped. Shouldn't eat more food. Do anyway.
Now, to get to JFK, I have to take a train downtown, transfer, and then take another train right to the airport. I 100% believed that I had to take the R train to the A train. This was a sincere belief of mine. After hauling my bags and banjo through the station, I sit down on the R train, and look for my stop.
I don't see my stop.
I got on the wrong fucking train.
I was supposed to ride the 6 train to the A train, and unless you've ridden the subway in NYC, you can't really realize how fucking dumb I am. Allow me to be clear. *I am fucking dumb.*
So there I was, laden with bags, standing on the corner of some random street where I left the train in panic. I was in Chinatown, with tons of bags, an hour and a half to escape the city during rushhour, and not a plan in the world.
I told you before that I'm a frugal guy. This is why I was riding the subway to the airport: one ride cost $2.50. That's a sweet deal. However, now I am out of time, and out of options. I need to take a cab.
I hailed one down, and asked the driver how much a ride to JFK would be. He smiled and said, "$52, sir."
Well I about shit my pants. My entire life in New York is avoiding spending money, so that i could spend it on things I really love, like food, and staying warm. Now I had no choice. I had to get to the airport; I was running out of time.
I was pouting in the cab, thinking about all of the things I could buy for $52. On top of that, the driver was farting a little, and kept opening the windows to blast his gas out of the cab with some frigid wind. Now, remember that girl I have the complicated thing with? Well, thinking I still wasn't going to be home until the 28th, she was having a little fun by herself, and sexting me up like crazy. So here I was, exhausted from my day, mad about money, half-chubbed, with the smell of fart in my nose.
Most excellent.
Arriving at JFK was easy, security was a proper shit show, boarding was a shit show, but whatever. I made it to my seat, and promptly began to sleep.
I woke with a start.We were rumbling down the runway, and an adorable small child sitting across from me began to whimper. i suppose that her parents had briefed her on the way to the airport: "Okay, darling, your tummy might feel a little weird during the flight, that's called being seasick." I suppose this, because as soon as the plane began rolling down the runway at speed, the girl began to scream, "*I'M SEASICK! I'M SEASICK! I'M SEASICK!*"
She didn't stop until we reached cruising altitude, and when she did, I faded into the most blissful and well-deserved sleep.
I wake with a start. The captain is announcing our descent into Orlando. I wonder why I woke with such violence. My stomach responds.
All that whiskey, all that Chinese food, and all that Indian food, had conspired against me. There was quite the successionist movement occurring in my bowels, and I was quite content to allow it to continue.
The whimpering child started up her wail once again: "*I'M SEASICK! I'M SEASICK! I'M SEASICK!*"
We were descending, I thought with a poop-addled brain. That gives me thirty minutes tops. I fought my way back through the aisles during pretty substantial turbulence, each bump bouncing the poop ever more convincingly toward my booty hole.
With the shouts, the bumps, and my exhausted mind, the hallway stretched on forever. I bumped into arms, legs, and heads, in the aisle, careless in my pain.
I get to the bathroom, close the door, toilet paper the seat, and then... nothing. Immense pain in my intestines, but no poop.
What.
The.
Fuck.
I push, I massage my belly, I think happy thoughts, and still nothing.
A few minutes later, I hear what I've been dreading. "Ladies and gentlemen, we're on final approach..."
We had 10,000 feet of altitude. I had no where to go. I willed myself to shit.
And so I did.
My goodness, the things that happened in those two minutes are simply indescribably. Noises, smells, textures, all amid the bumping and shaking of a descent.
As suddenly as it began, it stopped. I was in shock for a moment or two, then quickly cleaned up and washed my hands.
Later that night, I surprised the lady, and fucked for the first time in five months. It all worked out okay.
**TL;DR: Emergency evacuation mid-flight; subsequent successful touchdown at local landing strip.**
lethaldevotion92: "ex/current/kind of/long distance/" that girl is like 4 different girlfriends man
goodonedude: yeah there's about a billion layers of complexity
[deleted]: Tell us what happened? Gimme the juicy deets.
goodonedude: You know how new pavement is always the eat thing in the world? Like the old bumpy road is gone and this new, flawless, endless, infinite expanse of asphalt is calling your name to go driving on it?
The first drive you take on new asphalt is amazing; all you can hear is rubber zipping over tar. It's so fluid, so wonderful to drive on, that you forget the old roads
Then like, you know how cracks star appearing? You don't really notice the cracks, you just stop realizing how awesome it is? That dark black fades to grey, and it starts getting rocky, and then potholes have to be filled in, then ice and disuse sneak in the cracks, and suddenly you're left with just a shit road with shit asphalt and you wonder how you let time go by when it was fun to drive on and for a moment you get so sad you'll never drive that road again, and then one day it's paved and you've forgotten about that shit road that's just underneath. You know? Well it's nothing like that.
[deleted]: Heh, good analo-wat? Okay.
| 6 | 18.833333 | |
1387053736 | 1387064759 | null | t5_2to41 | 82 | DanniiTheFannii: TIFU by walking around the house stark naked while my brother's friend was round
It's the weekend. Most people would be off work/school and chilling. Me? I went to school today because I was doing some music coursework. I then went shopping afterwards. I left the house at 9:00 (I shouldn't even be awake at that time on a Saturday, let alone out of bed). I got back at about 18:00. I'm absolutely shitted, and decided to treat myself to having a bath, which is a luxury as baths make my hair go weird and so I can't have them during the week as I have to style my hair and all that stupid shit.
The bath was shit. The bath water was all from the hot tap, yet there was no hot water in the bathtub.
I leave the bathroom and begin to listen to some music in my nakedness while drying myself. My mum always gets pissed at me whenever I don't wash out the bath as soon as I get out of the bath, so I go to do that, as well as put my jewellery back on and get my clothes from off the floor. My mum was in her room and doing something for her boss. My brother had his friend over, but they were downstairs watching some stupid videos. I figured that if one of them were to come up then I would either hear it, or the laughter will stop.
*You'd have thought*
I was rinsing the bath out, and thought I heard my mum call out. I open the door and see my brother's friend standing there. He looks at me, I look at him. I hide behind the door. He continues to look at me with a [shocked/terrified face](http://i1287.photobucket.com/albums/a624/brainiacnovellover/bth_Obama-shocked-face_zps45cdf799.png). Turns out my mum was calling me, to tell me that she was going out and will return back in about 2 minutes.
This kid is in Year 7 (first year) and I'm in Year 11 (last year). He's also in my form..
TL;DR walked out of the bathroom completely naked and my brother's friend saw me in all my nakedness glory.
***Just felt like this needed to be said - I'm male. I know the 'Dannii' part of my username is female, but I'm not. Sorry to disappoint..***
HM_Gravy: I don't think it was the "dannii" part that was so misleading, more the "baths make my hair go weird and so I can't have them during the week as I have to style my hair" and the "as well as put my jewellery back on" that was so misleading.
lostdeceiver: As I started reading that I said to myself "Man, I always assume that the OPs are male." Then I got to the end.
| 3 | 27.333333 | |
1387044802 | 1387068798 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | overeducatedidiot: losing money and not being able to attend my graduation.
ApacheChi3f: Someone getting a phd shouldn't have fucked up this bad.
zman0900: Seems like the smartest people often have the least common sense.
overeducatedidiot: November has been a very stressful month for me. Between working day and night to turn in the papers on time plus the anxiety - if I was going to pass the defense or not. After all that is over the brain takes a time off.
zman0900: I know how you feel. I recently finished my masters, and did my fair share of stupid shit caused by lack of sleep. Congrats on finishing.
| 5 | 6.8 | |
1387056447 | 1387330022 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | NotAReelclown: TIFU Applying to jobs while my drivers license is suspended.
This is all my own fault. I got caught without insurance twice in two years, and in my state that's a automatic one year DL suspension. Its up Jan 1st, I've paid my fines but its just a matter of time.
Anyway, I applied to and got a full on written offer for an awesome job, they ran the background check and saw that my license was suspended (a requirement for the the job), they sent me an adverse action letter saying i have a week to sort it out or they are canceling the job offer. So i fucked myself, i really hate my job (the big TIFU would have been to put in my two weeks notice but i'm not that stupid) but i guess I'm just going to have to start looking again in the near year.
foobixdesi: Are you saying the background check was a requirement, or having a valid DL?
NotAReelclown: Its for an IT job at a medical facility with 4 different locations. So the BG check was required and have a valid license is also required.
foobixdesi: Perhaps you have room to explain the situation, prove that you have insurance now and you'll be fit to drive on the 1st. Also formulate and give them a plan on how you can get by without a car for the period before the suspension is over - get a friend to drive you to work, etc.
NotAReelclown: not gonna fly, its a condition of employment. no license, no job.
[deleted]: Sugarcoat the shit out of it. Tell them due to the horrible economy and the trouble you've had finding a job, the application was a bit of a last ditch effort, you weren't expecting an offer so soon, and basically beg for pity. It's only a couple weeks out, maybe you can get lucky and they'll hold the position for you.
NotAReelclown: eh, they already know too much.
GrapePlasma: It's almost the first anyways? Can't you tell them that you hire a driver during work hours or something till the first and the driver will be waiting at your workplace or home or whatever in a on call fashion. Just few more weeks man
NotAReelclown: have a valid DL is a condition of employment.
AcaciaJules: Wow, you aren't even trying. They're lucking out NOT having you for an employee.
| 10 | 2.4 | |
1387055105 | 1387264191 | null | t5_2to41 | 94 | mindokiller: TIFU; Reset the counter :(
Today I fucked up by trusting a fart which was not actually a fart.
Fortunately, I was using the urinal at the time, so I was able to quickly switch to the stall, but not before causing irreparable damage to my underwear and pants.
The worst part is, I had to go home, shower, and change, making me late for my son's first holiday concert! It was either that, or show up smelling like shit :(
TL;DR: Shit my pants; almost missed my son's concert recital.
redspike: The looseness of bowels in this sub never ceases to amaze me.
Saine: Seriously, this sub either makes me feel like a god or scared knowing that my time is coming.
mindokiller: From my experience, it's the latter. I too used to think I would never trust the wrong fart. I was dead wrong.
DontPassTheEggNog: Seeming easy solution, don't fart.
mindokiller: A day without farting is like a day without breathing.
BeepBep101: I got this.
[holds breath]
| 7 | 13.428571 | |
1387066345 | 1387082389 | null | t5_2to41 | 56 | mustachiou1: TIFU by spilling condoms during office hours.
So TIFU, well technically yesterday. So I am a male, as the username implies. However due to poor planning I ended up in a history class that focuses on women. As you would expect the teacher is a hard core feminist, and I am one of like three guys in the entire class. The teacher let’s call her Ms. S is always complaining how men ruin everything in history; how Hernán Cortés was an awful person because he was a guy. Disregard the massacring of civilizations just because he is a guy is the reason he is awful. The entire semester my teacher talks about how all guys in history want to do is have sex and that is the motives all guys have.
Despite all this, Ms. S has one nice rule and that is if you have a 90% in the class you don’t not need to take her final. So my every last assignment before finals my teacher gave me a C on assignment putting me at an 88%. I figure it must be a mistake and that’ll I’ll just go to her office hours to change it.
So I head off to school early to go to my teachers office hours. As I am walking across the quad my University is having a STD fair. As I am making my way through the fair one of my friends runs up and puts a sandwich bags worth of condoms in my backpack. (You know not the ziplock ones but the ones that don’t have any way of staying shut). I talk to my friend then proceed to my feminist teacher’s office hours.
I plead my case for getting a better grade. She tells me to come in on Monday at a certain time to remind her I am not taking the final. I go to reach for a paper and pencil to write down the times. As I go to get them I accidently pull out the bag of condoms with the rest of my stuff. The condoms at least 10 of them spill onto the ground of her office.
Now a more suave person would have made a joke or played it off. Well not me I immediately panic, put away the paper and pencil, zip up backpack, and without saying another word, walk out of her office. So I think it is a safe assumption that I am going to need to take the final in her class now.
TL;DR spilled condoms on my teachers carpet makes me take a final in her class.
Edit I realized I’m illiterate as all hell.
ComradePotkoff: Men can be raped too. You needed those. For YOUR protection.
mustachiou1: Damn I think I just found out what I'm going to tell the teacher
ComradePotkoff: I'm sure she also knew about what was going on that day.
mustachiou1: Here's hoping. They were just finishing setting up the fair it looked like. So if she didn't understand then hopefully she did by the time she left
| 5 | 11.2 | |
1387069948 | 1387129494 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU By showing LOTR gore in my English class.
So me and three of my friends had to make a power point comparing ancient heroes, such as Beowulf and Gilgamesh, to modern movies, Like Spider Man and Star Wars. We had to show one clip from one of the movies and I forgot to put it on so I rushed into the library and just linked the first clip I found. Turns out it was the scene when Gollum bit off Baggin's finger. Not sure what grade I got on the presentation yet, but our teacher did make sarcastic suggestions to me right after we presented.
Oh yeah....one of our administration members was in the room as well.
Joshpho: Could have been much, much worse dude.
trav1th3rabb1: Could have been porn.
[deleted]: Hobbit porn.
BaphClass: [Scary bilbo porn.] (http://www.reddit.com/r/scarybilbo)
| 5 | 3.6 | |
1387076972 | 1387241804 | null | t5_2to41 | 41 | tunguskanraider: TIFU by waiting too long to shit.
To start things off, no. I didn't shit my pants.
It's finals week here on campus which means I'm binging on all sorts of caffeine and junk food day after day to fuel my studying for exams. Today, I had two bags of flamin' hot Cheetos and an entire pot of coffee. A few hours later I feel the tell tale signs of a dire shitty situation brewing (bubble gut, farts etc.). However I ignore these signs and keep studying.
Big mistake. I kept holding off on shitting so I could study. Finally I couldn't wait anymore. I could feel the ass-magma building up pressure in my ass. I sprinted off towards the bathroom, burst into a stall and barely got my pants down before I started uncontrollably shitting all over the toilet seat. My ass never even made it to the seat, my body had had enough and ejected the toxic shit-stew everywhere.
TL;DR I shit all over the back of a toilet seat.
Irgudacro: I found a new favorite word. Ass-magma. Thanks OP.
steekster: haha ass-magma. i laughed so hard i choked on my saliva
| 3 | 13.666667 | |
1387084740 | 1387120772 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to piss in a glass bottle.
To make a long story short, I had to piss, but someone was in the bathroom, and I couldn't go outside because it was cold and raining; so I tried to piss in a glass bottle. ***BAD IDEA***. I put my piss pipe pointing into the bottle and let it go, but my dick got stuck and I got a horrific sting in my dick. Pulled dick out took piss later, and it stings to piss now.
***TL;DR: Had to piss, pissed in bottle, shit happened, dick gets fucked up.***
misfit181993: you probably just blew air up into your urethra
well done
sireddisonthethird: Maybe so, because it's fine now.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1387105078 | 1387119440 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: Today was just a fucked up day
[deleted]: So you tried to drive while you had been drinking? Good thing your BMW has an interlock, douchebag.
ChocoJesus: But its okay, he's responsible now and learned his lesson
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1387119546 | 1387133369 | null | t5_2to41 | 477 | [deleted]: TIFU by "buying" the most expensive chocolate bar ever
DISCLAIMER: This was not today. This was a few years ago but I only recently discovered this subreddit. I also have ~~little~~ no desire to study for my finals ~~right now~~ anytime soon so what better way to pass some time than by rejoicing in an old fable?
It was a cold October night when me and two of my friends decided we would partake in the smoking of marijuana. We agreed to do the dastardly deed at our old middle school for conveniences sake. About an hour passed and we felt that we were sufficiently high. As most people have experienced when "visiting ol' Aunt Mary", you develop somewhat of an appetite. Our search for nourishment brought us to our local Zellers. For you non-Canadian folks out there, Zellers *used* to be the equivalent of Target but now all of the Zellers in Canada have turned into Targets. Oh the irony.
Moving onwards!
We walked inside the Zellers and were simply meandering about the store. It is also worth mentioning that the in last few months one of my friends and I were going through a klepto phase but more on that at 6. After spending about twenty minutes going through every aisle, we approached the candy aisle. Oh sweet Lord Almigthy its the candy aisle. My friend gave this no second thought and quickly swooped into snatch himself two delicious Toblerone bars. The mere sight of those sweet, succulent Swiss triangles had my mouth a-waterin'. However, I was not as inclined to partake in an illegal act such as shoplifting. At the same time I also wanted to keep any unnecessary human interactions to a minimum while in an inebriated state of mind. So I figured "meh what the fuck?". I reached towards the pack of Reese's cups that was eyeing me and placed her ever so gently into my pocket. All was going well at this point. My friend and I both had our ill gotten treats in our pockets and walked out those doors like some mean thugs. We were superhuman, untouchable, invincible. The world was our oyster and we were free to go as we pleased. Or so we thought until we turned around to hear
"Excuse me gentlemen. Can you please come back inside for a second?"
Holy mother of tits. We were caught, made for. The jig was up. Another footnote worth mentioning real quick: my parents are Middle Eastern immigrants so anyone with a similar background can relate to the level of "I'm-so-fuckedery" I felt right there. The store security guard escorted us back to his office and took down our names, addresses, phone numbers, etc. 4 hours passed as me and my friend (my other friend did not shoplift and was free to go home) stayed in this stuffy office. His mom was brought in about 2 hours in and stayed with us. When asked about my parents and their contact info, I simply told the guard that they went to Washington DC to see some family. "Haha I'm so slick!" I thought to myself. So yeah 4 hours later and FINALLY the cop shows up. Since we were under 18 at the time, she could only give us a by-law ticket which was $60. The guard also made both my friend and I surrender our seized delectables. Oh well we couldn't keep them but it could have turned out **SO** much worse. That's the end of that. Right?
Wrong.
Two weeks later, a letter came in from the HBC Company (the main corporation in which Zellers was a division of). It discussed my actions that unfaithful night and that I would need to pay some legal fees. "Legal fees? What fucking legal fees", I muttered to myself. I proceeded to read the letter and was told that I had 3 weeks to pay my outstanding debt of $600. That's right. **600 FOTHERMUCKING DOLLARS FOR A 3 DOLLAR CHOCOLATE BAR**. I can't remember the details but I think I may have began to tear up. I did end up paying that disgustingly unfair amount of money to those corporate bastards but not without my parents eventually finding out. When I did come clean about my actions, in came the beatings. After about 5 minutes of pain and being told how much of a disgrace I was to the family, my mom calmed down and proceeded to absorb my bank account into her name. Still to this day I cry a little inside when I think of what I did and still my friends will give me the rare jab about my fuck up.
**TL;DR: Shoplifting is expensive**
red_spooks: You fucked up by paying that $600 also. That's mostly a thing they do to con some extra money out of you and scare you into not shoplifting again. They'd send a couple letters, and you'd never hear about that $600 again.
GlowingBall: No it isn't. If you fail to pay the Civil Demand they will file it with a collections agency and you could end up with a criminal charge against you for failing to pay the fine.
Under most states it is a part of the penal code. It isn't a scare tactic.
salty-nutz: This must be a Canadian thing.
GlowingBall: The Civil Demand is most definitely a US thing.
salty-nutz: Well, since it got "civil" in the wording, how could something 'civil' related result in criminal charges.
GlowingBall: The civil portion is merely a retailer attempting to recover damages including the value of the merchandise the security and administrative costs for recovering the merchandise.
The criminal charge is completely separate.
salty-nutz: Your post said it was part of the penal code. Anyways, interesting read about about the subject : http://www.chicagonow.com/chicagos-real-law-blog/2011/02/shoplifters-getting-tricked-in-to-fines/
And it is very much a scare tactic.
GlowingBall: My apologies on using me Penal Code as it is covered under the Civil Code.
Interesting position to take on it. That article reads more as opinion then anything. Most of the time is damage or has to be discarded. I can't put a bottle of alcohol someone shut down their pants back on the floor even if they didn't damage it.
In my opinion the Civil Demand is offering a significantly lower penalty then if the person were to be taken to civil court. From what I've seen professionally a retailer's legal department will pursue civil charges and they are almost always significantly more then the civil demand charge.
salty-nutz: I'm pretty sure a $600 penalty issued by a retailer for stealing candy bars falls under the category of 'unjust enrichment'. I highly doubt a civil judge would compel the defendant to pay, if it was challenged and brought into litigation.
| 10 | 47.7 | |
1387093744 | 1387122776 | null | t5_2to41 | 48 | Slenderauss: TIFU by pissing in a blocked church urinal
Sorry that this is a long one, but I have a lot of time and enjoy writing. I wrote a decent TL;DR if you don't wanna read all this. Alternatively, just read the last five paragraphs for the actual FU.
Okay, let me begin with ~~a bit~~ ~~a lot~~ four fucking paragraphs of backstory.
My dad is a musician, and goes to a big, modern, non-traditional church. I don't normally go there, but he was playing trumpet in their Christmas production, and wanted me to come and see it. So I agreed to go, even though that particular church isn't my favourite thing in the world.
I was late getting out of bed to go, so I slammed down some breakfast and went. I had to stay at my dad's girlfriend's that night, so she took me there because she was going to that one. I didn't have time to go to the toilet before leaving, but at the time I didn't really need to go.
So we get there, go in and get a seat. My dad's church goes for about two hours, and they start and end it with half an hour of singing these repetitive Christian rock songs. This time they were Christian rock-y Christmas carols. They also had dancing and acrobatics and shit (the building, which they call the Auditorium, is more like a concert hall than a church). They spend majority of the time standing up, swaying, raising their arms, etc. I stood up, but didn't sing or sway or anything.
So about an hour in, after the first lot of songs, this girl is talking about love, and you can hear this loud, pounding drum, like it's supposed to be her heartbeat. It got really loud though, and I was sitting near a speaker. And it fucking went on and on. After a minute, I had a headache and couldn't stand up any longer. I said to my dad's girlfriend, "I'm just going to go to the bathroom", because I needed to pee, and because I wanted a break from the loud noises. But she said to wait, because it was nearly over. Fine, I guess I can wait another 10 minutes or so. Besides, it was too late to add that I had a headache.
So about 45 minutes later, it ended and I excused myself to go to the toilet. But the foyer was as crowded as a Japanese subway train, and I could barely move around. My headache was still as painful as before, because the sound of the crowd wasn't going to ease the pain. I found the bathroom after a few minutes and went in. It's empty! I go to the corner urinal and unleash my golden rains over God's creation. Only this urinal was the most ungodly abomination to plumbing you can imagine.
The drain of the urinal was blocked with shit. Some asshole must've shit in the urinal. My fucking luck. The drain was one of those thin rings with a circle in the middle, so it's only designed for liquids. But I had a bigger problem to deal with first, which was that it was quickly filling with my piss. I was a while away from being done, but I knew I could at least make it without overflowing the urinal. I'm an optimist.
Nearly done, I'm just gonna walk away like it wasn't me. But then this older Chinese guy walks in. He starts using the urinal that's one across from mine (there was one empty urinal in between him and me). I don't look at him, but I just prayed that he wouldn't look over at me or my urinal. I closed my eyes in humiliation, but accidentally moved my dick down a little bit, so the piss stream started flying straight into the pool, and making a loud trickling sound. I aimed back up and stopped peeing, although I wasn't actually done. Fuck washing my hands, I'm getting the fuck outta there. My dad's girlfriend was waiting nearby, so I went over to her, and waited for my dad to come out of the musicians' area. He walks out and over to us, and tells us he's just going to the toilet and he'll be right out.
Fuck! I wondered if he'd see it. Hopefully he'd use the opposite urinal, or better yet, a cubicle. Moments pass, and he walks out. He asks me if I went in there, and I said "yeah, why?"
"One of the urinals is filled with a pool of pee, and there's vomit on the floor next to it."
**TL;DR** I went to my dad's church for a Christmas production sort of thing. Didn't get to use the bathroom in the morning, so I held it until the end of the service, ~2 hrs. Pissed in a urinal that was blocked with *shit*, and nearly overflowed the thing with my pee. Turns out some guy vomited on the floor because of me.
hoopycat: That's God's house, man... the kind of dumbass who shits in a urinal in God's house is the kind of dumbass who truly fucked up.
thatonekidnj: SATAN.
SMOKE METH AND HAIL SATAN.
| 3 | 16 | |
1387125443 | 1387128834 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | GaugePlays: TIFU - Girl Issues
[deleted]: As shitty as it may sound, but dude as i see it you have two options:
Nr. 1 You sit in a corner and cry about your situation (not the best option)
Nr. 2 You let her go. I know it's hard, it WILL take time and it hurts. But that is probably the best you can do. Break the contact to her, go out with your mates, get wasted, try to pickup girls, do whatever distracts you from this girl. If you really want her to be happy then don't make it awkward for her.
And btw i know how you feel bro. It gets better.
GaugePlays: You actually don't know how reassuring that advice is to be honest from the moment I heard, I knew that there was only one way out, its just fkn hard to admit it to yourself, thanks man.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1387125897 | 1387130658 | null | t5_2to41 | 132 | the_wiqaner: TIFU by not deleting my browser history
So, I'm having a few friends over and one of them checks at my browser history and looks at all my fucked up searches and porn views. Some of them are really bad. Fuck.
dkjuggernaut: On a scale of 1 to "what the fucking shit", how fucked up are your searches?
the_wiqaner: Most of it was in the range of 'Dude, that's pretty fucking weird'
dkjuggernaut: So not even close to "Dude, I'm going to call the cops"?
the_wiqaner: Thankfully not, no.
B68B: Toss us some scraps here...
| 6 | 22 | |
1387124715 | 1387153282 | null | t5_2to41 | 51 | GaugePlays: TIFU - Barman Issues
So, let me set the scene - I am 17 and I work as a barman, therefore I am usually off work late, we are talking 1 or 2am, so last night (Friday night) I was working and as a barman you see the people you know getting wasted, having a good time ect. so generally, it makes you crave the experience, basically I ended up going to an after party, at which I consumed a pint of spirits in order to catch up (I know bad fucking idea), this resulted in me crashing the fuck out, until the morning, upon which I was welcomed with 20 texts from my parent freaking the fuck out, they thought I was dead, my dad went ape shit (screaming in my face).
my mum was a little more emotional, so I just got the full spectrum of shit from them, on top of this, the girl I genuinely love, had made-out with her ex-boyfriend the weekend before, and my school work has started to suffer, probably as a result of spending my time posting this fucking information on Reddit. sorry about the non-humorous nature of this post, its just one of those things you need to get of your chest.
Thank you for reading about my issues, I appreciate it.
P.S - If you have any advice for a guy that seems to fuck up anything he touches, it you be appreciated.
Holywalrus: Anyone else read this as "batman issues"
nicebloke: Phew, it wasn't just me.
| 3 | 17 | |
1387150014 | 1387237024 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by buying a video card instead of a graphics card.
This happened about a week ago and I regret that day probably more than any other day in my life. I needed a new graphics card for my gaming PC when I stumbled upon a Radeon Sapphire 7790 graphics card. (Or so I thought it was a graphics card) and didn't read any info about it just assuming it was a graphics card. I bought it and when it came to my house I opened it up excitedly only shortly figuring out that it said it wasn't a graphics card, oh-no, it was a video card. I wasn't that angry at first thinking I could return it. I went to the site and saw that it had no return policy. "FUCK." Is my exact reaction. So now I have pay another $180 to get an actual graphics card.
Plus, budget.
Edit: I am a complete noob. I didn't know that a graphics card and video card are the same thing so I guess you could say I fucked up even more. Oh my God I hate everything ever.
synestir: uhh....a 7790 is a graphics card and a video card, those two words mean the same thing, i have a gtx 550ti video card, you could also say i have a gtx 550ti graphics card.....yeah, you did fuck up, big time xD
ThoughtlessKoopa: Holy shit I fucked up even more. I just ordered another for no reason. FML.
Edit: I am a noob with computers because I just got into PC gaming
Fiorinihc: Dude.... just.... dude....
ThoughtlessKoopa: This is probably my biggest fuck up ever.
Fiorinihc: Cancel the order, and next time research before you try to install a graphics card so it doesn't happen again. And if you can cancel the order, then sell the new, unopened graphics card for full price online
ThoughtlessKoopa: Thank you.
| 7 | 2.142857 | |
1387148319 | 1387201488 | null | t5_2to41 | 88 | splashy97: TIFU By using a condom my gf gave me as a Frisbee
Well, it was a pleasant evening with my gf (who I haven't been with long) snuggling, making out and watching movies; the usual shit.
Well the next point of conversation was sex and she reached into her hand bag and pulled out a selection of condoms: flavoured, ribbed and of course, glow in the dark.
My inner child came out and for some reason my brain decided it would be more fun to turn the light off and frisbee this glow in the dark condom across the room than do the beast with two backs. When I put the light back on I had completely ruined my chance to become a man.
I think it's fair to say TIFU.
mrfourtwenty: so...
did you bang?
splashy97: Nope, well and truly cock blocked my self.
Techmyst: I don't understand what happed.. did she no longer want to? You go flaccid? Etc?
[deleted]: Maybe that was the only condom and it'd just been thrown across the room? God damn, OP went full retard.
SoyPopo: >she reached into her hand bag and pulled out a **selection** of condoms: flavoured, ribbed and of course, glow in the dark.
[deleted]: Ahh okay thanks.
SoyPopo: No problem homie.
| 8 | 11 | |
1386821950 | 1388767003 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | Bouknight: TIFU when my headmaster took my friends iPad while I was on reddit.
So my friend was on reddit after a quiz on posted a thing on ask reddit that said hi I'm Noah(Noah is the kid that sits next to him and is an regular reddit user) and I have been gay for 3 years now and I want to have sex with my chemistry teacher. Then he showed it to Noah and Noah started laughing so the teach(this is the chem teacher by the way) looked over expecting to find gage to be playing a game but was mistaken. So they went to talk to the principle and all that and gage was like I like to go on reddit because it is funny and I need to relieve stress before exams, and the rule enforcer lady was like you think that is funny I just read something about a DILDO! And so all the head administrators were reading all the post from ask reddit darkest secretes. Then they got the computer dude to hack gages ipad and they printed out all his history(fyi he is a teenage boy so you can understand the fear he might have in this).So when it was all and done gage had Friday detention and had to do a bunch of community services stuff and the Noah kid got a Friday because they went in his reddit and saw one of his comments on a post so they looked up the dude who posted it and saw that that dude posted a thing about public penises or something. So yeh Noah got fucked on that one. And I know I didn't fuck up today but this is the category they told me to put it on.
DanJZ0404: ...Did the teachers view any GoneWild subs?
If they did, I pray for you and your classmates.
ConfettiHunter: Nah he just went on r/mildlypenis. I can confirm this story because well i am Noah
DanJZ0404: ...still, wtf
ConfettiHunter: Yeah it was bad
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1387157223 | 1387231712 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | ExponentialCockUp: TIFU by trying to defend myself.
So this isn't a 1 day fuck up but instead several weeks worth.
I am going to be brief with certain events here because I made a promise to Z not to tell anyone what happened and as you will soon understand, it is safer if it just stays hidden. For the same reasons, I have used a thowaway.
A few weeks ago I got a call from a particularly drunken and high Z who wanted to do themselves in so I spent that night making sure they were okay. Despite some very weird goings on where they were angrily responding to comments that no one had said. Due to their unhealthy state.
After that night, everything was perfectly fine until 3 weeks later when this sentence was said "I will always appreciate you. You are one of the best people I know... I FUCKING HATE YOU! YOU ARE A PRICK. I HOPE YOU DIE!" and they ran off. Now nothing happened between the two things and I hadn't even had a chance to respond to the first comment.
Over the next few days people started learning why she suddenly hated me. When I eventually found out what the story is, I can assure you that it is a very alternative take on what I did that evening. But it does tie in with the "weird goings on" I mentioned. Now because of the way they have been acting it would appear that they believe this completely so I just tried to ignore everything as much as possible and leave it alone. But after a few too many comments, I said "I am not going to go into what happened but you can guarantee it didn't happen that way. I don't know why they are saying it, maybe it is because of the alcohol." I decided not go into the details because I know that that would be better for Z. And I am beginning to realise that I can handle this better than they would.
Well this got back to Z didn't it. Now Z, along with family and friends is wanting to finish me off for chatting shit.
TLDR: So from what I can understand, if people chat shit about me, I have to pretend it is fact because any form of defending myself just results in death threats.
Delror: This didn't make any sense to me...
ExponentialCockUp: They spread rumours about me. When I said that things didn't happen that way, I start getting death threats for "chatting shit".
ForTheBloodGod: Ok, but how did you fuck up exactly? You'll need to elaborate your story. In its current state it's an incoherent mess.
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1387162713 | 1387165578 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU twice when leaving my GF's house
Let me preface this by saying we are both juniors in high school. We had been dating for about two months when this happened a few years ago.
We were having the usual movie night at her place. You know the deal, hang out in her basement and watch a movie and some TV on the couch, talk, make out. Enjoy each other's company. High school stuff. Nothing to worry about but my 10 o'clock curfew.
It was about 8 and we decided to move it into her bedroom so we weren't crowded on the tiny ass futon. We flip on TMC and watch some black and white movie. So we lay down and get all cuddled up. We don't really talk or anything, and I'm just enjoying her company. Around 8:30, my arm had fallen asleep so I kissed her neck to get her attention without ruining the moment. No response. So I knew she was asleep because I always got a response from that. Whatever, not a big deal. I'll live.
I was half watching the movie when I must have dozed off around 9. I can't really blame myself, i was warm. I was comfortable. Shit, that was like heaven. There was nothing I would rather have been doing. Anywho, at 9:30 my phone went off. That was my ten minute warning I always set so we wouldn't get too carried away. I fished it out of my pocket and hit the ten minute snooze, which would indicate I had to leave. I kissed her again. Still asleep. Well damn, I'll just lay here for a bit longer. I dozed back off.
I woke up for really no reason. Kissed her again. Still sleeping. I checked my phone. 10:20. I lied back down, but my arm was tingling quite a bit so I wasn't really comfortable. Whatever, not a big deal.
Wait a second, what time was it? I checked my phone again. 10:30. Aw fuck. It didn't even register the first time I checked. Shit shit shit, I am so fucked. I woke her up, and told her what time it was. She had a similar reaction to what I had. We walked up her stairs, glanced around the living room to make sure the coast was clear. Stood inside the living room by her front door and came up with a plan to tell our parents. We had one thought up, so we said our goodbyes, kissed and I headed out.
Here's the kicker: Her older sister had been sitting on a chair, in the dark, watching the whole thing. We never saw her. I guess she scared the shit out of my GF after I left.
Luckily, everything turned out alright. I called my mother as I was leaving and told her I wasn't dead and would explain when I got home.
All in all I was 45 minutes late getting home. I told her the truth and she wasn't too mad, leaving out the bed part of course. My GF's sister was cool about it and didn't say anything. She ended up telling her mom the truth too, again saving the whole in her bed part for another day.
All in all, everything worked out better than I thought it would.
TL;DR- Fell asleep with my GF in her bed, made out in front of her sister, and was nearly an hour late home.
Protagonists: pretty boring TIFU, sorry OP
GarbageAwayCapn: It's fine.
Was scary as fuck at the time for someone with anxiety.
Protagonists: had a similar situation, when i was about 12 i lived in a dangerous neighborhood and my parents had a job at a club as bathroom attendants so they left at around 8. So i asked if i could go to the lobby of my building to hang out with my friend, they said yeah but not to go anywhere. So i was chilling with my friend and his cousins then some other friends of ours came through, we hung out for a bit then one of them said he had to go. He lived on the opposite end of the neighborhood, so naturally he asked if we could take him home since the 3 of us that were with him lived in the same building. My friend said no cause he was with his cousins but my other friend said we should go so we can continue our discussion about music and video games. I thought to myself about what my dad told me, and then said, hm, we can take him halfway then ill just jump the fence and be behind my building, so i agreed to go with them. It was around 7:40 and the sun was setting, We went got to the fork in the road where i said to myself i would dip, i told em and they said "nahhh just come with us" so they convinced me (obviously not with just that but yeah) The sun was on the horizon as i was contemplating the ass whooping i was gonna get when i got home. At the time i didnt have a phone so there was no way of me calling my dad to let him know. It was probably 8:20 by now and it the sky was dark blue, it was pretty dark. I got to the block on where my building was on and i heard someone screaming my name. I look up and see my mom yelling from the balcony. I think "FUCK" and run as fast as i can to the lobby. I get to the lobby and the security guard opens the door for me, and he says " your dad was lookin for you, he looked pretty pissed." and i thought "FUCK FUCK FUCK" i looked around the lobby and found him .
he charged at me and asked me where the fuck i was then started yelling at me and shit, as my friend walked into the lobby, I rebutted something my dad said and he smacked my face. My friend was like "O shit" and quickly slipped into the staircase. We got into the elevator and i was just fucking scared for the asswhooping that was ahead of me once i got to my floor. We get into my apartment and my dad takes me to my room, tells me to pull my pants down and lay face down on the bed, and he whooped my ass so fucking hard. Im used to getting whooped really hard because my mom would always hit me as a child, but this didnt compare at all to any beating i ever received from my mom. Shit hurt like fucking crazy. I never again did anything my dad didnt tell me to do. Not trying to receive another life changing ass whooping like that again. Sorry if there are any typos but i did this while waiting for death timer on league lol
| 4 | 1 |
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