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value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1387913210 | 1387928348 | null | t5_2to41 | 102 | WerdToTheSecond: TIFU by giving my mom a face massage after masterbating
Ok so this was last week (sorry) but I feel as though I still need to share it.
So it was a cold, December day in New England when my mother announces that she is going out to the supermarket to get some food. Immediately after i hear the garage door close, I casually high-five myself and go prepare to do my business. I'm not sure why I chose to bade in the basement, but I did. So anyway, there I am, wanking away in my basement. I get to towards the end and realize that i have nothing to cum on. I immediately stick my left hand under the tip because that is the logical thing to do, right?
So I'm finishing my business (pumping semen into my left hand) when I hear the garage door open and my mom yell, "I'm home!". My heart rate goes up and my brain immediately goes into panic mode. I have never gotten caught and I will never get caught. I pull up my pants, and prepare to go help my mom with the groceries (that's what we do in our family). So I'm on my way up the stairs, my breathing finally starts slowing when I notice I still have a shit ton of semen in my hand. Doing the thing many normal people would do, I hurry back downstairs and wipe in on something, don't remember what; thats irrelevant. The point is that my left hand was still somewhat sticky and smelled somewhat of cum.
So finally I make my way upstairs to help out with the groceries. When I get to the top of the stairs, I see her standing near the door, shivering (shes the person that gets cold wherever she goes). She asks me to warm her face up, as it is a purplish-blue shade (I'm the type of person who never gets cold). A wave of panic and thoughts such as "oh shit" and "fuck my life" roll through my head. I reluctantly bring her over to the couch and start rubbing her face with my right hand, seeing if I could some how avoid the inevitable. But, about 30 seconds into it, the dreaded phrase that I was hoping not to hear exits her mouth.
"Honey, can you use two hands, please? I'm freezing."
At this point, every swear word and phrase imaginable is going through my mind. I specifically remember thinking, "staple my tits to my balls and fuck me up the butt." I'm not gay, so yeah, it wasn't good. I reluctantly bring up my left hand and start rubbing and massaging her face with it. I'm not sure if her face was really numb and she couldn't tell that one hand was stickier than the other or she just didn't say anything to not make an awkward situation awkwarder, but she didn't talk for the remaining duration of the massage/rub (approx 5 mins). At the end, she got up, thanked me, and we proceeded to unpack groceries.
TL;DR I rubbed/massaged my mom's face with my semen covered hands.
Edit: typo
misopog_on: I find this somehow more unsettling than that broken arms story
seemslegit4: Never read it. Link?
misopog_on: First of all, you're one of the [10.000](http://xkcd.com/1053/) and I'm happy for you.
Then, [Here's](http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/nmmjr/iama_man_who_had_a_sexual_relationship_with_his/c3a9uqg?context=1) to you. Good reading!
xkcd_transcriber: [Image](http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/ten_thousand.png)
**Title:** Ten Thousand
**Title-text:** Saying 'what kind of an idiot doesn't know about the Yellowstone supervolcano' is so much more boring than telling someone about the Yellowstone supervolcano for the first time.
[Comic Explanation](http://www.explainxkcd.com/wiki/index.php?title=1053#Explanation)
**Stats:** This comic has been referenced 408 time(s), representing 6.14% of referenced xkcds.
---
^[Questions/Problems](http://www.reddit.com/r/xkcd_transcriber/) ^| ^[Website](http://xkcdref.info/statistics/)
SometimesMonkey: Please show up more!
| 6 | 17 | |
1387914335 | 1387918898 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | trey10th: TIFU by thinking I needed to fart
Okay I usually don't like to talk about farts like, ever. But this just happened and wow I thought it would be perfect for this. Now this happened at 1 in the morning so it technically counts as today. So here we go. I was scrolling through the internet looking for things to do when I felt in the mood for a nice cup of water. I opened my door silently, keep in mind that everyone was sleeping. I tiptoed trying to be as silent as I could but then, I got that feeling. The fart feeling. You know that pre fart feeling? I was too far to turn around because it took me a while trying to tiptoe without making any noise. And it was about to come so I just did what I had to do, trusted my butt. I pushed and nothing came out. I pushed harder and then harder. Then came out the loudest fart I had ever released. I had looked to see if it woke up my mom. It didn't so it was good. But suddenly a pain shot through my butt. It was like no other pain before. I wanted to fall down on the ground and scream but I couldn't. I had to think about my family. So I slowly staggered to my room like a zombie. Once I got in my room I laid down on my bed, grabbed the pillow and put it to my face and guess what I did next. I screamed. It was the worst pain I have ever had. It felt like my butt was on fire.
lostdeceiver: So you pushed so hard that you hurt your butt?
trey10th: I honestly don't know what happened. My farts don't hurt now. Maybe it's because I forced the fart?
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1387923264 | 1388053819 | null | t5_2to41 | 70 | chrisreese94: TIFU by snapchatting a dick pic to my girlfriend... And her friend.
SO lives near my college and I'm home for the holidays. We were feeling frisky and started snapchatting some dirty pictures. In a rush of excitement, I accidentally highlighted and extra name. So far she hasn't opened it, but I'm terrified.
AlexBayArea: At least it was her friend so your GF will understand it was an accident LOL.
chrisreese94: She was understanding and even laughed about it lol
myterac: Tells us when the threesome happens
| 4 | 17.5 | |
1387919174 | 1388255152 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | dogteam1911: TIFU (TIL) By cutting Jalapeños and scratching my balls!
I got up this afternoon to prepare my awesome Christmas brisket. The recipe unfortunately requires four large and very hot Jalapeños. I chopped up the Jalapeños seasoned the brisket and put it in the fridge to marinate. After washing my hands vigorously, I flopped on the couch to watch some tv and surf the web. As all lazy asses tend to do at some point after sitting on the couch, I reached into my pants to relieve an itch and ended up scratching my taint a little. Thinking nothing of it I went on fiddling with my balls. About 2 - 3 minutes later it felt as if the devil himself was working his way out of my epididymis and along the back side of my sack to tap dance on my taint! The only thing I thought could possibly relieve this was milk! I found myself dipping my sac and splashing my taint with milk from a cereal bowl. Luckily I was at home alone and was not discovered in this compromising position. The END! (Well not really as it is still burning a bit)
TIL to never scratch your balls after cutting up Jalapeños!
Euphtonetet: try habaneros on your eyes.
[deleted]: I used to make hot chili sauce.
Once, when I cut a few habaneros, a little bit of juice flew into my eye
I now wear swimming goggles when cutting stuff
Euphtonetet: I didn't even get juice. I forgot to wash my hands after putting them on spaghetti.
There was no relief. :( lol
| 4 | 7 | |
1387929183 | 1387953208 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU BY LETTING HER GO DOWN ON ME
So today being that both my lady and I had plenty of time before tonight's festivities we proceeded to have sexi times. Convincing her to go down south when a few minutes in something happens down there. What idk, but I do know a sound came out of me that I have never heard a human being make. She knew something had happened and we figured that while down there her tounge ring somehow trapped my forskin under that and her teeth. needless to say sexi time was postponed.
ALPB11: lel le sexi tiem
DontPassTheEggNog: top lel
| 3 | 3 | |
1387934109 | 1388117567 | null | t5_2to41 | 67 | Jayke1981: TIFU by getting caught wanking by my housemate
OK, so its just turned midnight on Christmas Day, and I need to get sleep, so I try the tried and tested way by having a Christmas Wank.. I put on a porno, on my laptop, plugging in my headphones so I don't disturb my housemate who's sleeping next door. Now, I leave my door open, as does she cos our dog likes to go between rooms at night.
So there I am, cock and towel in hand - and just as I've shot my load, I look up, to see my housemate in the doorway, saying something to me. Now I can't hear what she's saying cos of the headphones, but she sees what I'm doing, and clasps her hand to her mouth in shock, and turns back to her room, giggling. Realising my position, I just burst out laughing.
Next time, I'll get under my covers and close the door!!
Hastilygrim: I wouldn't worry about it, seems like she didn't take it too badly, perhaps she finds you attractive, try exploring that possibility, subtly of course.
Csardonic1: > try exploring that possibility, subtly of course.
By letting her walk in on you wanking with her soiled panties over your face.
Lakonthegreat: While holding one of her family photos. And wearing one of her shirts.
Csardonic1: In her little brother's bed.
Lakonthegreat: With Goodbye Horses playing.
Csardonic1: You monster!
Lakonthegreat: I KNOW RIGHT!? I'm awful.
| 8 | 8.375 | |
1387938818 | 1387939668 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | Sasquatch5: TIFU by buying 4 rolls of transparent wrapping paper
swordfishtrombonez: If you wrap each gift with 4 or 5 pieces of paper, would it work?
Sasquatch5: That's plan B
Plan A is buying new rolls.
| 3 | 11.666667 | |
1387943905 | 1387979024 | null | t5_2to41 | 85 | [deleted]: TIFU by realizing my passport is expired-and I fly to India tomorrow...
We didn't bother to check if our passport is expired or not.
Just checked and it expired over a month ago...
Unfortunately, since tomorrow is Christmas, most places are closed to get an emergency passport.
All that packing gone to waste. Looks like I'm spending my holidays without any family :/
IDontUnderstandSir: But on the plus side, you're not going to India.
[deleted]: Not having traveler's diarrhea during the holidays is a good thing for sure.
| 3 | 28.333333 | |
1387941367 | 1388010176 | null | t5_2to41 | 984 | Geloni: TIFU after a party and woke up in my old apartment
I'll admit this didn't just happen today. This was years ago, but I thought you all would enjoy it.
I was 18 years old and had just moved out of my apartment about a month prior. An acquaintance of mine moved into the same apartment 'block' as me a month before I moved out. This is important.
She held a party one summer evening at her apartment and I attended with some friends. I should say, at the time I was known as a guy that likes to drink. Tonight was no exception. Bring on the whiskey.
Cue blackout.
You know when you wake up from a night of heavy drinking and your memories are just flashes of pictures. You string them along creating a hazy timeline.
Picture:
Me stumbling down the stairs
"I'm hungry..."
Picture:
Me standing at the drive through window
"You need a car to use the drive through. We can't serve you."
When I wake up after drinking way too much alcohol my consciousness comes in stages. First I became aware of my body. I'm uncomfortable and cold, why do I not have a blanket? What the fuck am I laying on?
A 35lbs weight.
I open my eyes and see I'm sleeping on the ground and in what appears to be a weight room; I was sleeping next to the bench press. Things start churching in my disoriented, hungover mind as I started recognizing my surroundings, and I begin to panic. I was in my old bedroom!
How the fuck did this happen!?!? I tried thinking of ways out of this. I put my head to the door and could hear voices. A male and a female. Can I climb out the window? No, that's a long fall. There was only one way out of this and I knew what I had to do.
With my ear against the door I lightly knocked. I heard a gasp and a murmur. There was no turning back now. I opened the door and came out with my hands up. The new apartment owners were an asian couple in their mid 20s and the they were NOT very happy to see me.
I immediately tried to explain that I used to live here, I don't know how this happened, please don't call the cops or kick my ass. I told him I still had a key to the apartment as I was never told to turn it in and never bothered to take it off my keyring. I figured the locks would get changed. I gave him the key and he told me to empty my pockets to show I didn't steal anything. We were at a standstill, and he was seriously considering calling the cops.
And do you blame him!? Imagine that! Cooking breakfast with your significant other on a Sunday morning when some haggard looking stranger comes wallowing out of your weight room! How do you react to that?
He eventually let me go. He told me to never come back to that apartment complex. I agreed and left. I ran faster than i've ever ran. I must have ran a good mile before I stopped and called my friend to pick me up.
Apparently I told them I was going to get some food and never came back to the party. Turned my cellphone off and said fuck it.
TLDR: Blacked out. Trespassed.
TheGuyWithFocus: Having worked in that industry I'm a bit doubtful of this story because the locks are always changed after someone moves out.
It'd be one really big coincidence that whoever was prepping the apartment after you moved out forgot to switch the locks and you happened to be there blackout drunk, with your old key in hand.
Also... You are supposed to turn in all of your keys anyways and you almost certainly would have been charged for replacement keys if you didn't.
If this story were true, and maybe it is but seems far fetched, the apartment management would be at a huge liability for not collecting keys and not changing locks.
One more thing, depending on the size of the complex, it also seems kinda suspect that you had moved out, the apartment had been turned, and new residents were completely moved in within a month time frame. Either the complex was small, without many units, or they were almost fully occupied.... Possible but unlikely, especially in any complex an 18 year old could afford.
Not trying to be "that guy" OP but this story stinks.
traugdor: I've rented apartments before and had my locks changed after I was moved in because a previous tenant didn't turn his in and they couldn't track him down. Or they didn't think it was worth it.
Not trying to be "that guy but your comment stinks.
TheGuyWithFocus: It's standard practice to change locks after previous tenant moves out to avoid this type of thing.
KennyFulgencio: I spent a few months doing building maintenance, cleaned up after old tenants and showed new ones in, had custody of all the keys, and believe me nobody got their lock replaced by the landlord unless someone had broken down a door and the lock broke with it
>If this story were true, and maybe it is but seems far fetched, the apartment management would be at a huge liability for not collecting keys and not changing locks.
Then you probably would not believe the shit that guy did which put him at "huge liability", and counted on not having tenants who would do anything about it. Worked out for him, too. His buildings were mostly filled with college kids.
TheGuyWithFocus: You guys didn't switch locks between units?
KennyFulgencio: Not while I worked for him (a few months) and not as far as I ever saw or heard otherwise. He was weird. He did a lot of coke, and only had the buildings because his mother (about 80 yrs old) bought them and gave him the position. (Six years later she sold them out from under him, although she gave him plenty of warning, but he didn't believe she'd be able to do it.)
He also really liked getting into fist fights (he was 6'4" and about 350 lbs, little of it muscle), and kept talking about how he was going to hit his mother, once she told him she'd sold the buildings and he had two months to be ready to leave. (The tenants stayed, and some actual professionals bought the buildings.)
TheGuyWithFocus: So I think we can both agree that isn't normal property management.
KennyFulgencio: It's the only sample I've seen first hand. I found it really eye-opening as to what landlords pull on their tenants if they think they can get away with it.
TheGuyWithFocus: The "mom and pop" type places are more likely to pull these antics as they usually aren't to up on the law themselves.
Most respectable management companies are well aware of federal fair housing laws that require them to act in a very uniform manner from resident to resident.
I'm getting a lot of downvotes and I suppose that's to be expected but I've spent some time in the industry myself and my wife currently works for one of the largest student housing companies in the US (she's been in the apartment business in general for over a decade) in a executive position and everything I've mentioned is pretty straight forward "duh" kind of stuff for anyone familiar with the industry.
KennyFulgencio: > Most respectable management companies are well aware of federal fair housing laws that require them to act in a very uniform manner from resident to resident.
That reminds me--my guy had some particularly shitty apartments, like one on a basement level which would get covered with muddy floodwater anytime there was a substantial rain (nobody stayed there for long... I'm not sure why he ever moved anybody in there at all). He'd move undocumented immigrants into those, because he trusted that they wouldn't turn him in or complain too much.
Also, he didn't want black tenants, but since he couldn't openly reject them for being black, he'd try to keep several people lined up for any open apartments, to avoid having a scenario where there was an open apartment with only one applicant (who was black), leaving him with no excuse for rejecting them. If he had several applicants at once, he could give it to one of them who wasn't black.
His elderly mother was extremely proud of having sent him to the same prep school GW Bush went to.
| 11 | 89.454545 | |
1387949585 | 1388201231 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | inspiredman: TIFU I met this beautiful girl with an awesome personality
We told yo-mama jokes and we joked around about STDs. She was dressed like a reindeer, so I pet her and we role played. Obviously, we understood each other's humor. She was done with med school and was working in a hospital, so she obviously had the smarts too. I could totally imagine myself spending the rest of my life with her.
I forgot to get her number!!
[deleted]: Just go and look for her in every hospital you know. Maybe you remember if she mentioned one hospital. Good luck finding her bro.
inspiredman: Good idea! I'll look at the hospitals around town. I'll just start skateboarding and hurting myself :)
ViolentThespian: I'm sure you could always get better ideas off of other posts on here.
Cproo12: Like trying to backflip of off a new flat screen tv which fapping to lil Wayne and breaking your dick on a wine glass.
ViolentThespian: Better than breaking the wine glass in your ass, though only slightly.
| 6 | 4.833333 | |
1387952425 | 1388037270 | null | t5_2to41 | 204 | Throwaway78357: TIFU by humiliating myself in front of half my town
Throwaway because I'm fucking embarrassed.
Context: It's Christmas Eve, I just got home from school about a week ago for winter break. I live in a small town, and my family is preparing to go to the 4pm Christmas service at our local church.
Here's where I fucked up: Around 12 or 1, I decided to have some leftover Chinese food for lunch. I heated up some General Tso's chicken with pork fried rice and a couple egg rolls. It couldn't have been more than 4 or 5 days old and it was delicious. A couple hours go by, and I'm feeling kinda off. My stomach feels gassy and I'm feeling a little queasy. I ignore it, and carry on getting dressed in my nicest dress clothes for church. My grandparents are visiting for the holidays, and my mother always makes us go to church whenever they are over. We get to church 45 minutes early so that we can get good seats up front...second row. The church quickly fills up until it is absolutely packed. Every seat is taken and people are lined up standing against the walls and in the back as well. As the church service begins, I realize that I'm about to embark on a terrifying 1 hour marathon. The longer I sat listening to the bishop preach, the more my queasy/gassy feelings intensified. I felt a painful mountain of pressure building up in my ass, so I slowly tried to release it. To my horror, I felt a jet of liquid shit slide out of my asshole. Time slowed down, I had no idea what to do. Should I walk out and try and clean myself? Would people notice the shart stain on my pants as i walked by? Would they notice the smell? I got really anxious, and felt sicker every minute. The mass was probably about half over when I felt really ill all at once, and I got up to leave. I broke into a half run down the church and then it all came up. I vomited chunks of Chinese food all over the middle of the aisle. The bishop stopped preaching, and for a few seconds everyone was silent. I walked out of the church without looking back. Texted my mom, and told her that I was waiting out the rest of the service in the car. I've been shitting liquid all night, while my family's been laughing at my faux pas. Merry Christmas Reddit.
**TL;DR: Shat myself and proceeded to vomit during the middle of my town's 4pm Christams Eve service. Fuck you leftover Chinese food...Fuck. You.**
Lakonthegreat: You get an up vote for the vom, but we're gonna have to reset the counter again.
XanCrews: Vomit free since 93?
Lakonthegreat: No, the pants-shitting counter. Welcome to TIFU.
NextArtemis: That counter rarely goes over 0.
Lakonthegreat: To quote one of the admins, and I agree:
It's like someone's about to punch you in the arm, but you don't know when it's coming.
It adds to the charm of the sub, it's our duckroll honestly.
| 6 | 34 | |
1387956147 | 1388056045 | null | t5_2to41 | 99 | spidroin: TIFU by giving my SO a blowjob with a cough drop in my mouth. [nsfw]
He's got sensitivity issues but was really sensitive this time, so I got excited and wanted to try something new. I've recently recovered from a cold so I have coughdrops on the bedside table; Hall's menthol coughdrops, with motivational messages on the wrapper (i.e. "Be creative"). I popped one of those in my mouth and covered every inch of him in a homogenous layer of menthol saliva. A couple minutes in I ask if he likes it, and he responds with "It kinda burns" so I immediately spit out the drop and start cleaning his dick with my (menthol-coated) mouth. As I'm doing this I realize I can go a lot deeper a lot easier because the coughdrops numbed my throat. I enthusiastically tell my SO this and he, not nearly as enthusiastic, reveals that his dick is totally desensitized.
A tiny bit of thought could have prevented this situation and it seems so embarrassingly obvious now, but at the time, my brain was in sex mode and it really seemed like a good idea. TIL I'm significantly less intelligent during sex.
TL;DR: Coughdrops are not sex toys.
[deleted]: Damn, I work in R&D on the Halls brand, and I somehow feel like my colleagues would get a huge laugh out of this story, but that it would be an extremely bad idea to send it to them. To avoid becoming the author of "TIFU by sharing a TIFU story with my colleagues", I'll just keep this one to myself.
PixelOrange: Print it off and put it somewhere anonymously? Make sure you log out of reddit first.
[deleted]: My colleagues know me well enough to figure it out. But maybe plausible deniability is enough...
| 4 | 24.75 | |
1387958694 | 1387960105 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: Today, my girlfriend was duped by a fake check and wired $1200 to her scammer
[deleted]: no worries, i think the Nigerian Prince has some cash to spare
PhoecesBrown: Same scam. Just looked at the e-mails. The content is laughable.
[deleted]: yeah, there's email scam exposing site, same schtick they use for russian brides and stuff
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1387985380 | 1388179699 | null | t5_2to41 | 60 | maple_bacon_pancakes: TIFU by leaving an unattended candle around my 4 year old
She tried to blow it out, leaned over it and caught her hair afire. She was not badly burned, and just a little sore from her older brother pounding it out. Scariest Christmas Eve, ever. I'm so thankful right now. Have a safe and happy (insert whatever your celebrating).
vladtaltos: Something along those lines happened with my wife and I when my son was little (about 5), she always had candles lit here and there around the damn house (drove me nuts and I'd bitched about it many times but she wouldn't stop). Well, one day she had a candle she'd left lit in the bathroom and he went into use the bathroom and decided to play with the candle and some toilet paper, he set the toilet paper on fire and panicked and dropped it in the garbage can and set the whole damn thing on fire (he had the door closed and so we didn't hear him or smell anything right away), he burned himself in the process and that's when I heard a muffled scream or something and went in to check on him and found the fire. I put it out with water from the sink, then gave him some first aid (he hadn't burned himself too bad). After that, I was mad as hell and told my wife that if I ever found an unattended candle in our house again, I'd break her fucking fingers (yeah, a in hindsight, a little extreme but I was mad because my kid could have died). For the most part, she's quit doing that shit (I still catch her lighting and leaving them unattended but mostly in the bathroom sink with water in the sink). Side note: I lost everything when I was little to an apartment fire (luckily no one was hurt/killed except our fish).
maple_bacon_pancakes: My husband threatened the same thing. I'm glad your son is ok :) Your post scared me, but in a good way. There will only be aerosol sprays and plug-ins from here on out. We've tried the electric warmers too, but the melted wax is really painful if accidentally bumped into. A smelly home is a pretty fair trade for happy, burn-free kids.
vladtaltos: Yeah, that's pretty much my take on it. Still feel bad for yelling at her like that but just the though he could have died in that bathroom with the door closed and we wouldn't have known anything was even wrong until it was too late and adding that it was a totally preventable thing (don't leave lit candles unattended especially around small children), I just lost my cool. I also did start requiring that my son leave the door open when he was in the bathroom even if it's just a crack so we could hear him, etc. if needed. Luckily, my daughter's been much more responsible on stuff like that (she's grown up hearing that story, etc. though so knew not to do stuff like that at an early age).
maple_bacon_pancakes: Your wife and kids are lucky to have someone to love, and keep them safe. You, my friend, are doing it right :)
vladtaltos: I try (always try to be a little better on things than how I was raised myself, seems to be working pretty well), thanks.
| 6 | 10 | |
1387992495 | 1388009695 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,042 | hentaigirlthrowaway: TIFU and now my family thinks I'm a kinky lesbian weeaboo. (NSFW)
Hey… I really like hentai. Especially stuff that involves ballbusting and cuntbusting. Genital injury really gets me going. It's not like I'd want to take a kick in the vajayjay myself (I'm a wimp about pain), but I loooove to fantasize about it.
My parents have some family over right now for the holidays. Last night, one cousin asked me to pull up his Facebook page so I could show everyone a picture he posted. I ran to my room and grabbed my laptop, forgetting that I'd most recently used it for… inspiration… during a rather personal activity.
The whole family, about fifteen people, gathered around. I opened my laptop, to unveil… a leather-clad anime girl stomping another girl in the cooch.
Well, that was embarrassing.
I quickly changed it to Facebook, but not before everyone had a good glance at what I look at in my private time. I sort of stayed in my room for the rest of the night. This was a very awkward Christmas morning. I'm pretty sure my parents' view of me has changed forever.
**(NSFW)** [Here's the picture in question.](http://i.imgur.com/RnYFQJ2.jpg) **(NSFW)**
Merry clitoris.
superluber: Why...why would anybody like this?
DayNightWalker: It's called a fetish
Leachaiem: doesn't really answer the question but okay.
HyperHysteria13: No it answers the question completely, you just clearly don't know.....
1) What Fetish means.
Or 2)That not everyone enjoys beating off to feet as much as the next guy, because we're people, and never all enjoy the same things.
Leachaiem: Nah
[deleted]: Yeah
Leachaiem: k
| 8 | 130.25 | |
1387953036 | 1388002149 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | Frothinghobbit: Tifu by forgetting eggnog has dairy in it.
It's Christmas so of course eggnog is everywhere. I'm with my family and boyfriend at some family friends house, and my sister offers to make me a rum and eggnog. I think, "sure, I like rum, and eggnog's pretty good" (I can have small quantities of dairy) so I down not 1, not 2, but 3 full glasses of rum and eggnog. About half way through my third glass feel like I really need to poop. I head into the bathroom and proceed to do what needed to be done. Go back out, finish the glass. This starts happening every 10 minutes, each time getting progressively more painful. Everyone starts noticing my frequent trips and my mother starts asking if I'm feeling ok, I say its nothing. After an hour we finally leave and I make it through the 45 minute drive home. I have never ran so fast with my cheeks clenched and I just barely got my pants down before I unleashed a horror. And now I'm laying in bed with stomach that hates me wishing I could remember that eggnog has dairy.
ElGoddamnDorado: You forgot there was dairy in a milk product?
ZezMan: I second this.
| 3 | 10.333333 | |
1387994695 | 1388039297 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | Winfri: TIFU by getting drunk
Barely even 10 days ago, my mom got me a brand new samsung galazxy s4 for christmas. Anyways, last night I went to my friends birthday party and after the party ended, my drunk self thought it would be a good idea to walk home. (The walk probably took around 2 hours but luckily it wasn't raining or too cold) Midway through my little adventure home, I realized that I didn't have my phone. The problem here is that I don't remember if I had my phone when I left my friends house. I told my friend what happened and asked him to keep me updated if he finds it or not but I have yet to hear back from him. I'm really worried that it somehow fell out of my pocket when I was walking home. I tried using the android device manager to track my phone but I'm quite sure my phone was out of batteries by the time I tried tracking it down. Best Christmas ever :/
tldr: got drunk and lost my brand new s4 the day before christmas
schizophrenictornado: same thing happened to me on 420 haha we all got drunk as hell with some good ol 4lokos and i started throwing my new phone on the floor for no reason so someone took it from me and put it on a table in the living room so i wouldnt smash it. so after a while i black out and wake up in his bathroom next to the toilet in the fetal position cuddling with some old towels..i decide its time to go home so i have my friend drive me home at 3 am and when i get in my bed i realize i dont have my phone..it ended up taking me about 3 days to actually get it back because someone had to deliver it to me
Winfri: Sounds like a fun 420 haha but i'd prefer to spend my 420 getting hella baked. Hopefully I get mine back eventually and it's not just lost somewhere!
schizophrenictornado: trust me i prefer that too but hey i cant just sit around sober on 420 haha just doesn't seem right..that really sucks though i would probably cry if i lost mine lol any chance your parents would just buy you another if you make up a bullshit story?
Winfri: Hopefully man, hopefully
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1387995411 | 1388078834 | null | t5_2to41 | 36 | PepsiColaX: TIFU by not checking if the bag that came down my belt actually went into my trailer or not. (I work at UPS)
This actually happened a couple weeks ago, but I'll start with how things work. At the UPS hub the loaders get packages that come down the belt from the sort aisle, then you load them into the semi trailer. That trailer might be going to Florida, New York, or another state that your area covers.
Well, sometimes the people that slide the packages down your trailer's chute, slide down the wrong bags that are filled with packages. Well, in the hurry I was in (being peak season and all) I accidentally forgot to check/scan one of the bags. Aaaand it just happened to be bad. The worst one that could come down my belt. It was full of paychecks to the Louisville hub. A hub of 5,000+ workers. And I loaded into a Northern Ohio trailer.
TL;DR I caused an entire hub of 5,000+ people to not get their paychecks for a couple days.
creamersrealm: Well now you incriminated yourself and pissed off over 5000 people this is truly great.
rollodecanela: Incriminated how? A mistake is a mistake, no?
creamersrealm: Posting it online if they didn't report it.
| 4 | 9 | |
1388100545 | 1388502201 | t3_1tpwuq | t5_2to41 | 3 | Moonreaver: Yeah I'm with you there, the important part is having fun not stats or shit like that.
JacksonBollox: Perhaps. But its not for your or I to dictate what aspect of something is important to someone. It might be really important to him. And if that's the case, who cares? That's how he has fun.
Moonreaver: Perhaps that's how he has fun, but only if he's winning. Otherwise it's no longer as fun to him as it would be for someone who plays it just to have fun by shooting people. :) also I'm not dictating how people should enjoy something, but merely agreeing with viyn about the caring for stats part not being important.
JacksonBollox: > also I'm not dictating how people should enjoy something,
hmm...I wonder where I got that idea?
>> the important part is having fun not stats or shit like that.
No clue.
Moonreaver: The important part IS to have fun ... Do you not agree?
JacksonBollox: I think the important part is set by whoever is playing, it isn't for you nor I to set what is important for someone while playing a game or anything else for that matter.
Moonreaver: If you say so.. All I'm saying is people will have a lot more fun enjoying a game rather than raging over stats that mean absolutely nothing
JacksonBollox: > people will have a lot more fun enjoying a game
Sure, but everyone has their own way of enjoying it.
| 8 | 0.375 | |
1388065415 | 1388221171 | null | t5_2to41 | 365 | kaliBlaster69: TIFU by stumble in front of the pope
This happened a few hours ago. Me and my family was in Rome for the annual holiday. Fortunately for us, Pope Francis held his speech in the Vatican in front of 10000 people. Unfortunately for me. The speech aired on TV, and this was really not the best place to fuck up. But I did.
I was about to enter the place, and I stumbled. Faceplanted in front of ten thousand people. They all laughed at me, and I've never been a fan of the attention. Let's hope the Pope didn't see me...
kaliBlaster69: yeah mate, at least the pope didn't laughed
Mister_Guacamole: What? Forgot to switch accounts or am I just stupid?
Sarah-92: Probably intended to reply to another comment
asdfgasdfg312: Which one would that be?
06286208998628034825: > That doesn't seem very nice to laugh at someone who stumbles. Don't worry, those people are going to hell.
StarwarsIndianajones: Mystery solved
shaggy1265: Good job Scooby.
adambauman: Rooby rooby roo!
| 9 | 40.555556 | |
1388050097 | 1388099505 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,069 | Suck_Mah_Wang: TIFU by letting my large black friend dress up as Santa
Not today, but last night on Christmas Eve.
So for the holidays, we had some relatives come over to our house. Everyone had left to see a movie, but we decided to stay home and wait for my uncle to arrive. Of course, we get bored and he asks to dress up in my Santa suit that I got as a white elephant gift last year. After he was all dressed up, we hear someone get home. We assumed that it was my uncle, as he was supposed get here in around half an hour. He's cool, so I'd be great to prank him, right? We keep quiet until who we thought was him went into the guest room and shut the door. We tiptoe downstairs, ready to scare the shit out of my uncle. Now my buddy is African-American, 6'3 and 200 pounds, so he's pretty fucking intimidating. The door to the guest room never completely shuts, so he thought it would be hilarious to kick it open. So, I wait outside, giggling like a dumbass, as he approaches the door.
Here's where it goes wrong. He kicks it open yelling "HO HO HO MOTHERFUCKAAAAAAA", only to find my grandma almost having a heart attack because of him. She had drove out to our house as a surprise, and assumed she would stay in the guest room. After many, many apologies, she was able to laugh it off, but she'll never let us live that down.
Diiiiirty: 6'3''and 200lbs is skinny as hell.
loveandtacos: It's actually considered slightly overweight because they would have a BMI around 25.0
rhymes_with_chicken: BMI is a joke on taller, athletic people. I'm 6'10 245 now and feel a bit thin--when I was in uni I played at between 265 and 275. I went to the Dr. a few years back and he told me I was borderline morbidly obese, and that I should be about 215. I asked him if he'd ever seen a 215lb 6'10 person...because I had been that person before, and i looked like a tall, male version of karen carpenter. I never went back to that doctor, either.
tattooedsmurfette: Bmi is a joke on short people! I an five foot one inch on a good day! The only way I an not obese is if I weigh under 105. I have been athletic all my life. Gymnastics was my thing! I am built like a fucking brick shit house! Slight tummy though which is expected as a mom of two. In a size eight jeans, but I am morbidly obese? The fuck? I can do more pull ups than those damn insurance agents but I an the unhealthy one?
kismetjeska: Where are you getting that information? You'd need to weigh 159lbs to be considered 'obese'...
tattooedsmurfette: At five foot one?
kismetjeska: Yeah! If you use a standard BMI calculator, 159lbs is the minimum weight that produces a 30+ BMI.
[Link here](http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/guidelines/obesity/BMI/bmicalc.htm).
| 8 | 133.625 | |
1388111104 | 1388111288 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | CantankerousMind: TIFU by dropping my iPhone and pissing all over it.
So I'm at work today and my family kept texting me, but because of company rules, I was hesitant to check my messages. I really had to take a piss so I decided I would check them while I relieved myself.
I was standing at the urinal, phone in my left hand, trying to type out replies before I finished up. I got about 3 seconds into my stream when the Vice President of the company comes into the bathroom and stands at the urinal next to me. Before he even got there, I was attempting to power off the screen(out of habit) and put my phone back into my pocket...
It slipped...
The amount of terror I felt made me react like a damn ninja. I tried to snatch my phone out of the air only to bump it and have it land directly in the urinal... I pissed on it for a second before I realized that it made a shit ton of noise and there was no way I could hide the fact that I just dropped something into the urinal... I pinched off my stream, grabbed my urine soaked iPhone, finished pissing and proceeded to rinse it off as much as I could(luckily I have a nice case so it wasn't water/urine damaged).
I think our VP felt bad about it because he didn't say a word to me, even after seeing me take it to the sink and rinse it off..
Tl;dr i needed to check my phone at work and they don't allow us to do that. I dropped my iPhone into the toilet at work and pissed on it because I was afraid our VP would get mad at me for having my phone out.
[deleted]: uh why didnt you use the stall?
CantankerousMind: I feel kind of stupid because that never even crossed my mind...
I feel stupid anyways, but hey, sometimes people do stupid things lol
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1388107897 | 1388311362 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | fnasbin: TIFU by letting my cousin see my poowater
This Christmas, my cousin from Hong Kong attending university near my house decided to stop by on Christmas eve to celebrate the holidays. He decided to stay the night instead of going home to his empty dorm room. That night we had a huge meal, and in the morning I had a gigantic Christmas morning shit. It was huge and kinda watery? The thing was, it didn't go down. Luckily it didn't overflow. At that moment my parents called me upstairs to open the presents. I wanted to try to plunge, but they were insistent I go upstairs. Five minutes later, I had opened all my presents and I got AC4. I completely forgot about my massive poowater floating in he downstairs toilet. After the a few hours, My family and cousin decided to go out for dinner. Before leaving, my cousin went to the downstairs toilet and came out with a look of horror on his face. He managed to stutter out someone left a massive poo in the toilet. With some investigation I learned that the smell spread, and the poo was grosser than ever. I blamed my sister who had gone down about half an hour ago to get a drink, and every one agreed. Now my family thinks my sister has gross bowel movements.
eigenvectorseven: Something I've always wondered: is American (?) plumbing just terrible or something? I've literally never seen a blocked toilet in my life, nor have I ever seen an actual plunger. It seems in movies and things you guys always have a plunger next to the toilet and blockages are a common occurrence.
C-Lo21: It's not so much the plumbing but more so the actual pooper. Some poopers use waaaay too much toilet paper causing clogs.
| 3 | 11.333333 | |
1388102134 | 1388121779 | null | t5_2to41 | 231 | mkhockeygeek: TIFU by falling the wrong way.
I've been home on college break these past 2 weeks and have been staying in my old room. Since it is the only room on the ground floor, my sisters like to throw their stuff in it. (shoes, coats, backpacks, other random shit they don't put away) I was getting ready to leave and head to town (I live in the middle of nowhere) and was putting on my coat while walking out my door. As I took a step, I tripped over some of their crap and instead of falling forward and potentially getting tangled in the curtain I tried to regain my balance. I instead fell backwards into my tv (37") and it fell to the floor and the screen shattered.
I'm not too upset, because it's just a thing which can be replaced but I'm trying to save up for a new vehicle and getting a new tv will put a decent hit on my savings. I suppose I can just go without onw, but breaking something you worked hard for is a bummer.
Lurker_4_Evar: Well, if they didn't leave their shit everywhere this wouldn't have happened. (IMO)
mkhockeygeek: I was upset with them, but hey, stuff happens. If their stuff wasn't there, it could've ended up being my shoe laces that tripped me.
Incredible_Mr_Fox: You seem like a very level headed person. I'm impressed.
mkhockeygeek: Thanks! I try. I guess it depends on the day though.
Incredible_Mr_Fox: You're welcome! Just by you not putting the entirety of the blame on others despite the circumstances is very encouraging. I'd say you're doing at least something right. I wish you the best with your savings, hope you can find all you need and more!
mkhockeygeek: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME!?!
Seriously, your kind words are much appreciated. Have a good one kind internet stranger.
| 7 | 33 | |
1388122008 | 1388181043 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,033 | [deleted]: TIFU by ruining my marriage.
This all happened last year. This is a very long story with a lot of setup, I just want to tell Reddit. Telling you guys my ankle story really helped me out a lot, and I figure this is actually better than telling a psychologist. Maybe you guys can make me feel better about this.
Let's set the scene shall we? My (now ex) wife was the most beautiful woman I had ever had the pleasure of being with. She was an amazing person when we first started dating, was always nice, wouldn't let me pay for anything (even though I vehemently suggested the opposite) and let me into her life very easily. She let me meet her little brother and her grandparents on our third date, which never happened with any of her previous boyfriends. She and I worked well together, I made her laugh, she made me laugh, but she had some obvious quirks. She often felt like I was abusing her, even though I wasn't. She thought I was overly attached to my parents, even though I practically completely cut them off to be with her most of the time. Just some things that concerned me.
So it's Valentine's Day, we had been dating for two months, and I had already asked her to marry me because I was sure that she was the one and I was desperately in love with her. We go out to dinner, and she indicated that she wanted to consummate our newly founded engagement. We head to my house, and I inform her, as I am informing you now, that it is my first real time having sex. As is expected, I last probably two minutes, and I realize something. I never protected myself. Yes, pregnancy, and a push forward of the wedding date ensues. She and I marry on May 8, 2010. Being a fresh college graduate and jobless, she was supporting us along with a hefty wedding present in the form of $5000 from my great grandmother. This is where our marital problems started. She felt that I wasn't a good provider, even after scoring a job in my field making $40k a year.
Fast forward 2 years. We're living in a house I bought as she had stopped working after having our son, and things are sour. We both love each other, and I am in love with her, but she is obviously not in love with me anymore. I'm breaking my back (Literally, slipped a disc) at a new job making more money than the last, and she is wanting to discuss divorce. We decide that the best way to try to work on our marriage is to spice things up in the bedroom. We try to have sex more often, but she's so emotionally damaged from events that happened to her previously in life, that once she has had an orgasm, she's done, and she either starts crying, or gets violently angry with me about something unrelated. This goes on for a month or so, and then one day I went to wash the dishes. This is where everything changed.
I was washing away, having an inoccuous conversation with her, and she cracks a joke about having sex with someone else. I, being the kind of lover I am, want to do ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING I can to make my partner happy. If it would have made her happy for me to cut my finger off and feed it to the dog, I would have. I retort with: "You can have sex with whoever you want to. If I don't do it for you anymore, I love you so I just want you to be happy." She instantly turns to me and says, stone faced and almost with a hint of giddiness in her voice, "Do you want an open marriage?" "If that's what will make you happy," I replied. She, like a lightning bolt hitting a tree, slams her hand into her pocket, pulls out her phone, and texts her ex-boyfriend. The last man she was with before she and I started dating. The one I essentially stole her from. I know this, because I asked her who she was texting, and she told me, bold faced. She and I talk for several hours, and set rules. Now, I am a big man. I weighed over 320 lbs at the time, and she was in fairly good physical condition and was very good looking, a trophy-wife of sorts. So later that night, I put our son to bed, and my wife decides she's going to go to Wal-Mart. Guess where the ex-boyfriend works? My wife disappears for 3 hours. At the 1 hour mark, I was filled with wonderment at what sort of deals she could have seen to keep her at the bastion of consumerism for this long, as we only live 10 minutes away from our local Wal-Mart. At 2 hours, I'm worried, and frantically calling and texting her to no avail. At 3 hours, I finally get a phone call telling me she's on her way home, and she got caught up talking to her friend Jessica from high school at the store. Yeah. Right.
My wife comes home, and fucks my brains out. It was the best, roughest, and kinkiest sex we have had our entire marriage. Needless to say, I wasn't mad about the Wal-Mart trip anymore. Now the next morning is why I mentioned my weight previously. The next morning, she awakens to a fully cooked breakfast in bed, as I was wont to do at least once every couple of weeks. While she's eating, the kiddo's playing in his room on the other side of the house. I figure it's better late than never to have this conversation. I tell her I don't want to have an open marriage, I only said that to make her happy. If we were to continue in it, she already has someone lined up, where it would take me forever to find someone with which to carry out these deeds. Also the lack of desire to carry out such deeds on my part wouldn't really leave us in an open marriage, it would just be me letting her cheat on me. A three hour conversation ensues, in which she indicated she was excited about the concept, and if we didn't go through with it, she would be highly disappointed. I agree to continue letting her text her ex-boyfriend, as they had miraculously built up a friendship in the preceding 18 hours. Hmmm, I wonder how that happened?
Fast forward another 3 months, and her ex (Who we will refer to as Eldrich von Oppenheimer III, or E for short) is now coming to our house to eat dinner with us and hang out with us regularly. He and I are "friends" I guess at this point. On this particular evening in October, it was the week after my birthday, and my ex (Hereafter referred to as Marilyn Whipplesnap Reagan, or M for short) has invited E over to our house to hang out. Our son is out for the night, being watched by my parents for the evening to return the following morning. Now, a couple of weeks before this, I had asked my wife what her greatest sexual fantasy was. She said she had always wanted to have sex with another man while I watched and pleasured myself in the corner. Back to us all hanging out, we all decide to get tanked. M pulls me to the side, unbeknownst to E, and decides tonight is the night we're going to fulfill this fantasy. We head to the liquor store, then adjourn back to our abode. I proceed to drink more than fucking Caligula. I'm going to have to be drunk to go through with this.
We all get pretty tanked, me much more than the other two, and M sits in E's lap. She makes out with him in front of me, both of us assuring him it's okay, and we all move to the bed chamber. We undress, and E proceeds to plow my wife like a dry field in the heat of summer. He was in peak physical condition, and fucked her like a porn star. M decides to give me a turn before she comes, I go to perform, and my heavily liquored up little friend gets stage fright. I indicate that I am unable to perform due to what most would call "Whiskey Dick" and E finishes my wife off without shooting inside of her. If anyone could have, it would have been me because I've had a vasectomy by this point (Preview of next TIFU story) and then we all talk about the experience. I explain my apprehension to both of them, and they talk me into trying again. This happened 7 times that night. I know what you're thinking: But OP, doesn't your ex wife start crying after having one orgasm, and not want to do anything else the rest of the night? Good question! It must have been the fact that it wasn't with the man that she had, and I'm quoting her, "Sold herself into slavery with."
This has gone on long enough. Allow me to fast forward to the end. My son and E had grown a small friendship, and E had let my son play with his NRA registry card in his room one day. The next day, my parents, who had no idea of this episode, or that E was even coming around, decided to come over. My mother found the card in my son's room, and flips THE FUCK out. M and I explain the whole situation, and my parents leave still fuming and now no longer welcome in my home. Turns out I wasn't long behind them. M served my son and I dinner at the table, and I told her I wasn't hungry. She told me, "I think you should eat at least one last meal at the house with your son." Yes, my friends, my ex wife had made me alienate my family, and in the same breath kicked me out of the home that we had bought together leaving me with nowhere to go but to my parents.
Before you comment, I left her the house in the divorce to ensure that my son could grow up in the same place as he has since his birth. Second, I didn't fight for full custody of my son, as I had recently been let go from my job at this point, and was unable to financially provide for him. My parents paid for my divorce.
This is a cautionary tale of love and ignorance.
Tl;DR I let my wife have a threesome, my parents found out, and she kicked me out of the house.
EDIT: Wow guys, front page. I really appreciate all the comments and upvotes in the last few hours. Thanks so much. This was incredibly therapeutic to finally out this out into the wild and let other people see what being a beta with no self-esteem and self-worth can get you in the wrong situation.
I love you Reddit.
[deleted]: *facepalm*
> we had been dating for two months, and I had already asked her to marry me
> I never protected myself. Yes, pregnancy
How does an individual have sex and not at least think about the possibility afterwards - plan b is always there.
> fresh college graduate and jobless
> "Do you want an open marriage?" "If that's what will make you happy
I could not see all that turning out poorly ...
PixelOrange: Ironically, my marriage took almost all the exact same steps, but has been a wonderful ride instead of the abysmal train wreck. I got my wife pregnant when we had only known each other for about a month and a half. We decided to keep the kid and marriaged when that kid was a year old. We moved into a house, had another kid, and opened our marriage about two years ago (and it happened with her going and being with someone before me, just like in his scenario).
Couldn't be happier! This is the life I've pretty much always wanted. Some of the stuff happened out of order, but hey, it all comes out in the wash.
Kittae: I think your wife is just a better person than OP's...
Styrak: He's probably also not 320lbs...
Kittae: Being heavy doesn't mean not loveable.
eccentricguru: For some people it does.
Kittae: No, listen to yourself. If being heavy means not loveable and that's ALL the info provided, then it really can't matter for just some of the heavy population, can it? If you're heavy AND an asshole, then maybe you're not loveable. If you're heavy AND a pedophile, then maybe you're not loveable. If you're heavy AND a violent alcoholic, then maybe you're not loveable. But do some fucking math, divide the whole equation by "heavy", and you end up with an asshole, a pedophile, and a raging alcoholic. Those are reasons to not be loveable, not a snide side-comment about how heavy someone is.
eccentricguru: Sorry but I could never "love" someone who is 300+ pounds (or even 200+ pounds in all likelihood). If you can, that's good for you - but I'm not attracted to fat women and never will be.
You don't get to tell me what I can and cannot find "loveable"
Kittae: Well see, that's your personal baggage and has no bearing on the general loveability index on folks in general. World doesn't revolve around your dick/vagina/heart/brain, so saying hurtful things to people who aren't even in your social sphere is pretty awful.
eccentricguru: I know you're fat, so it must be hard for you to accept, but some people don't find fatties attractive. I'm not alone in this phenomenon, even though that's what you're suggesting.
Get over it.
Kittae: Womp womp, you're judgemental
| 12 | 86.083333 | |
1388122265 | 1388128765 | null | t5_2to41 | 52 | [deleted]: TIFU by resetting the counter in the worst way possible
Seriously the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to me. No, this isn't one of those "oh man I gambled on a fart and lost" stories, it's much worse than that. I **envy** those people right now. I was hanging out with some friends and we decide to get some food. I'd been having gas/impending diarrhea for most of the night, but I figure it's not a big deal and don't sweat it. How wrong I was. We eat our food, stuff's going well and we head outside because the restaurant closed. We're going to my car (I drove them) and I feel some intense rumbling in my guts. I ignore it for a bit but I'm feeling it coming and I think that I gotta find a bathroom ASAP. My friend suggests that I hit up the Walgreens across the street and I say "yeah, that's a good idea." I high-tail it over there only to find the doors are locked. Apparently this is like the only Walgreens in North America that closes before 11, so I panic for a bit before I can't hold it anymore.
In retrospect there were bushes nearby but in my confusion I didn't consider the fact that "on the concrete around the corner from the front door" might not have been the best place to relieve myself, but I'm pretty inexperienced at shitting in public so yeah. I hide between one of those propane things and a trash can duck down. Anyway, I go at it for a few seconds until I think the bombardment has passed, stand up, and put my pants on. I can feel it inside my pants and on my legs. At this point, not only have I shit myself in front of 2 friends, I've also done it in public next to the trash can of a pharmacy.
But it's not over. I still have to drive said friends back to their cars. I apologize profusely while rolling the windows down (it's cold as balls here) and we drive the long, awkward 5 minutes back to their cars. They're generally pretty cool about it but I'm still mortified the whole way. Once I drop them off, I still have to drive home, which is like 15 minutes. So I drive 15 minutes back to my house with the windows down so that hopefully my car doesn't reek of shit for the rest of my life. By the end I can't feel my hands.
I get home, immediately take all my clothes off, take a shower, and throw away the affected articles of clothing. Then the guilt hits. Not only did I do something hella embarrassing, but somebody has to clean my shit up. Not only that, but I'm super worried that a CCTV camera or something caught me. And I had to throw away my favorite pair of pants.
TL;DR: I was powerless before the Chipotle Blitzkreig of '13
EDIT: I went back and tried cleaning it up. I was inadequately prepared for the task at hand, but I cleaned up most of it. I hope that helps my karma a little bit (if not enough).
EDIT 2: Also it was less than and farther from the door than I anticipated. It's still uncool but it's not like it's right next to the door, ya know?
ViolentThespian: Dude, I can't imagine the poor bastard that has to open in the morning and sees a massive brown shit stain near the front door.
Lakonthegreat: He's gonna have a really...
*Puts on sunglasses*
Shitty day.
YYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
ViolentThespian: Why am I completely not surprised to have seen this?
Lakonthegreat: It was just too *easy*.
| 5 | 10.4 | |
1388131754 | 1388157992 | null | t5_2to41 | 50 | bcurtainthrowaway: TIFU by getting semen on my cousin's curtains
Excuse poor formatting, I'm on my phone.
So I'm on holiday break, and currently unable to see my girlfriend. The past couple hours were spent having sexy talk, but because I'm here, at my cousin's house, I'm not able to have private time. A little bit ago I decided to sneak off into the bathroom because everyone was asleep. After finally satisfying myself, I somehow get it on my hand and the floor, no biggy, easy clean up. As I'm washing my hands I look around a little, and see three large stains on the shower curtains, FUCK.
In full blown panic mode I use my shirt to clean them off, but they're still noticeable. I walk down the hallway of doom, and Google "cum in black fabric" and I saw a bunch of things I can't do, and learned that I got semen on the worst color I could. So here I am, laying in bed at 3am hoping it dries by the morning and isn't noticeable. This is by far my worst fuck up, ever. Cry with me Reddit?
Lakonthegreat: If this is the absolute worst you have ever fucked up, consider yourself lucky duder. Cumming on a shower curtain ain't no big thang. It'll be dry by the morning, and unless they're super OCD about the house, they'll never notice.
Also, that's what the fuckers get for having a cloth shower curtain. Like what in the actual fuck.
bcurtainthrowaway: It's probably not the worst that I've fucked up, I was just freaking out at the time. I've got better fuck ups if you all want. Also, there's a plastic one inside and the black one outside. Probably for decoration.
| 3 | 16.666667 | |
1388146216 | 1388180462 | null | t5_2to41 | 131 | [deleted]: TIFU by cumming while talking to my sister
z
totalcontrol: Anyone else notice the thread is pay.reddit.com?
Grazingbuffalo: Yeah I just noticed and came here for an answer. Not sure why it is like that.
totalcontrol: takes forever to load too....weird.
Grazingbuffalo: The thread's a year old as well...
ninjamonkey791: Perhaps OP is getting paid by the click?
| 6 | 21.833333 | |
1383455910 | 1388619043 | null | t5_2to41 | 1 | FartShit: TIFU by not getting reddit gold
i poste a realy funny comment on askreddit and i didnt get reddit gold
trhen i asked politely for ppl to give me reddit gold and i didnt get it
now im sad
tl;dr guve me reddit gold
arthur990807: Ahaha.
Ahahahaha.
LOLOLOLOLOL.
"I DIDN'T GET REDDIT GOLD FROM A COMMENT!!!"
*Oh my god, I haven't laughed this hard in YEARS!*
FartShit: hey theres nothing funny about me not getting reddit gold..
arthur990807: If a mod were to give one of us reddit gold, who would get it?
FartShit: me
arthur990807: Are you sure?
Who has more karma?
FartShit: now now lets not turn this in 2 a pissing contest..
| 7 | 0.142857 | |
1388156494 | 1388205148 | null | t5_2to41 | 69 | QUEEF_PUDDING: TIFU by getting a new job and having fun.
This happened yesterday. But, to preface the story, I just got hired for a new job a couple of days before Christmas. Which is great-- more money and other shit. Well, yesterday, the day after Christmas, I decided to go trail riding with my cousins on some dirt bikes. I am relatively new to riding dirt and I only have about 10 hours of riding time in total. Well, 10 seconds into the ride I fucking lock up the front tire and land heel first into the ground and fucked my foot up extremely badly, but, I felt bad for only going 10 seconds into the ride so I pushed on and as the day went on, the pain became worse and worse until I got back home and laid in bed.Then the pain started to subside.... until today, where it is so bad that I can't apply any pressure to the area or even stand up because it hurts so much. So now I am bed-ridden and I can't start work because I can't walk and my job is 90% walking and because of that I may or may not be fired/un-hired. TIFU big time
I might have some pictures, I'll have to check my go-pro tomorrow.
TheDemonClown: Have you talked to your employer? And, yeah, this was a massive fuck-up. Like, at no point in this story do you exercise anything even vaguely similar to good judgment, hahaha
QUEEF_PUDDING: I haven't yet, but, if it doesn't get better by my start date then I'll have to.
Ju1cY_0n3: As someone who has broken his foot, and walked on it for 2 weeks before getting an x-Ray. Go now, I almost needed surgery because of it. You will be able to walk with some pain if it is a minor break as long as you don't put pressure on that part of your foot, and wrap it tightly. Also a walking boot is a life saver, it helps with walking 100 times
QUEEF_PUDDING: Did you experience any swelling or bruising? That's the only thing that's stopping me from going - the lack of it
Ishahn: the times i broke something and didnt get swelling/bruising was when my upper arm snapped clean in two (it was shaped like a V, i could pretty much have my upper arm pointing down and scratch the back of my head at the same time), and fingers/toes/tailbone. so go check it out anyways! better safe than sorry. and better to be sent home with a sprained ankle than risk permanent/more serious injury!
QUEEF_PUDDING: That's true, if it doesn't get better by Monday I'll get an appointment
[deleted]: Uhhh... Pretty sure you should go now before it becomes TIFU by not getting my foot checked quickly...
| 8 | 8.625 | |
1388166440 | 1388237048 | null | t5_2to41 | 108 | Crazedmonkey05: TIFU when I misheard a coworker
So one of my coworkers(#1) was talking to me about her diet, and what she ate. About 2 minutes into the conversation, another coworker(#2) walks up. Coworker #1 turns to coworker #2 and tells her something. Now what I heard was "Yeah, and I cheated my diet around Christmas. I know it was terrible." So I said "Aww it's Christmas though, that's your Christmas present to yourself." This is when I started to realize I done fucked up. Coworker #2 turns to me and says "Are you fucking kidding me? How can you be that inconsiderate?" At this point, I'm trying to figure out why spoiling yourself on Christmas is that terrible. Turns out that coworker #1 actually said "Yeah, so my mother in law died around Christmas, I know it was terrible." Once they told me what she actually said, I just kept apologizing. I feel like a total twat. Now the joke at work is "Don't tell Jo about people dying, she will make mean jokes about it."
abrooks1125: > "Don't tell Jo about people dying, she will make mean jokes about it."
That's the best they could come up with?
Crazedmonkey05: I work at a Grocery store Bakery. You can't expect too much.
robbo101: You'd think they would at least be able to come up with a good bun... ;)
| 4 | 27 | |
1388165360 | 1388180548 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | ZucriyAmsuna: TIFU by making my very first paper crane.
This was years ago when I was in high school. I always liked origami, but it took me a while to come up with the idea of finally making the famous paper crane. So during a useless computer class (that was sooo easy, and we could do other stuff if we're done with our work), I looked up the instructions and memorized them.
When I had access to paper during the next class (I think this was a boring math class I read books in and still aced), I decided to make it. It took about half the class to figure it out and remember all the instructions. (It turns out that I forgot one of the last steps for years, so my crane's wings were triangles, and the head/neck and tail were larger.)
I took it with me for the rest of the day; I admired the little guy.
Then came a class near the end of the day with an interesting reading teacher. I usually liked him...until this day. While we were writing something in our notebooks or journals or whatever, he walks by our desks nonchalantly. When he got to mine, he grabbed and crumbled my poor little creation--my first crane. He had a scowl on his face as he repeatedly crumbled it and threw it away.
Since we were supposed to be quiet, I decided to say nothing. My only guess as to why he did such a thing was that he lacked the common knowledge that origami does not mean "paper plane." At the end of that school year, most of my nice teachers got a paper crane from me (and also a little piece of coal during Christmastime =P). But not him. I even gave one to the student teacher that substituted for him in the last half of the year.
**TL;DR:** - A reading teacher destroyed my poor paper crane.
taking214: this is not a fuck-up.
ZucriyAmsuna: It's meant to be slightly sarcastic. To the teacher, apparently what I made was wrong or against school rules, so he threw it away. That is why it is a screw-up.
tkepoet: This is "Today I Fucked up.", not "Today My Teacher Fucked Up". Not to mention, there may not have even been malice there. Sounds to me like he just thought there was a piece of garbage on your desk, and he threw it out for you.
ZucriyAmsuna: Did you miss the part where he had a scowl on his face? He was clearly angry that I had the crane on my desk.
Also, did you miss my "slightly sarcastic" comment? You're clearly missing the humor.
tkepoet: I didn't miss either. I just don't think this belongs in this sub.
Hope you've gotten better at your cranes...
ZucriyAmsuna: I've gotten much better, thanks. =D
Where else would such a story go, though?
| 7 | 0.571429 | |
1388171772 | 1388174805 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | Donpa: TIFU by not checking my mail
This was a few weeks ago but I really need to share my embarrassment. I recently applied for a new job that for me is a dream job of sorts. After a long process of multiple phone and in-person interviews I received a phone call that I will be offered the job and to check my mail for the offer letter. Weeks roll by and no letter arrives in the mail. I send the person who hired me an email to check up on it; he's away on vacation for the month.
Eventually, he gets back to me says that I should have received the letter a month ago. He tracked it down and found out HR had the letter printed and signed, and then misplaced it. A few days later I receive the letter with a sincere apology note written by the HR employee responsible explaining that things got thrown off balance a bit around Thanksgiving. I quickly signed the offer letter and mailed it back to the office.
Now here is how I fucked up. When I came back to my desk a few days later I saw the offer letter still sitting there. In the interest of finalizing everything quickly I did not double check what I put in the envelope before sending it out right before the weekend. What I mailed back was the hand written apology and nothing else. Shit.
edit: Here's a story that better suits the title. I used to have a bad habit of leaving the junk mail in the box, only removing important letters when I check it. There was a period of a few weeks where I didn't get any important letters so the mailman took what was in it and wrote VACANT on the box :(.
ozzysacolyte: Ouch! Email then mail the right one. They messed up, maybe they will understand
Donpa: I was in town a few days latter to look at apartments and dropped it off in person. The HR rep wasn't there to explain though so the people at the front desk took it for me. :\ I sent an email to see if she got both letters, and to explain there were two because I made a mistake. She said she received both and thought I didn't want to keep her letter and will file it away until I get here. I don't want it back I just wanted to make sure she didn't think I sent it on purpose! Haha, my first day will be fun.
ozzysacolyte: Hopefully less awkward than the hiring process
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1388136847 | 1388260536 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | _i_am_a_bad_person: TIFU by sitting down.
On top of my sisters brand new Macbook Air.
Napster449: Did it break?
_i_am_a_bad_person: Yes. It bent, and the screen cracked.
saybackp4ck: is it covered by warranty? Things overpriced anyways
AcaciaJules: Apple fans don't like hearing about how their charged extra just for the name.
| 5 | 3.4 | |
1388174040 | 1388214633 | null | t5_2to41 | 3,786 | QuickMentality: TIFU by having a naked standoff with my dad
This happened a few years back, when I was a senior in high school. I was notorious for skipping school. I lived in a neighborhood with 6 people my age that were in my classes, so why go?
Anyway, I sleep naked. It's awesome. It hasn't ever been a problem except in this case. It was the usual morning of skipping school. Since I carpooled with my friends, my car being in the driveway wasn't suspicious. So I would set my alarm for 8:00, when my mom woke up, so I could hide (dressed) if I heard her coming up the stairs for whatever reason (wooden staircase, creaks when you walk on certain steps). My dad usually left a lot earlier and never came upstairs. Well that's where I fucked up.
So there I am sleeping soundly in my bed when I here footsteps near the TOP of the stairs (around 9:00, I had went back to bed when mom left for work). The stairway is around 10 feet from my open bedroom. So I jump out naked and run to my closet. There's no reason for my parents to be coming upstairs and I usually wake up to the creaking much earlier than the top step. Well this time my ears done failed me. I'm behind my closet door and that's when I hear my dad muttering about something. A bag. My duffel bag. Well it turns out that he's going on a fishing trip with his friends and needs to borrow my basketball duffel bag, which happens to be at my feet, behind the closet door. Well shit. I am trying to scoot the bag out from under my feet but it's too late, he's already outside the closet. I say a silent prayer he gives up but no, he comes in.
I hear him digging around in my closet (pretty spacious) so I peek around. There he is looking in every nook and cranny on the opposite side of me. His back is turned and I know he will eventually look behind the door which is where his naked son is at. Did I mention he's naked as no one's supposed to be home? So I do the only thing I can, I kick that big ass bag into the middle of the closet. I didn't mean to kick it, I meant to scoot it. And I would have if him starting to turn around didn't make me pee a little and panic twitch the bag at him.
Well now it's concluded. He's noticed the bag being dragged by a ghost towards him. He jumps up and yells "THE HELL?" and yanks open (or closed, whatever) the door before I even have a chance to cover myself. To say he was surprised would be an understatement. He fell back against the opposite wall while his brain tried to make sense of this situation, his son naked with his hands on his face (bad place for my hands but I didn't have time to think it out, I was still trying to hide like a toddler would). I drop my hands and I'm staring at my naked father like a deer in headlights and he's returning the look. Awkward silence. Then "Sup dad, whatcha doing?" Followed by a "Get the hell out of here and go to school, I'm telling your mom."
Well my mom thinks she's a comedian. This is gold to her, she can't just keep it to herself. So she tells everyone. My friends' moms hear about it, so my friends do, which means the school does, including my teachers and principals. The rest of the year everyone wanted to know who was bigger, me or my dad. Well let's just say you can't beat dad dick.
TLDR; have naked standoff with dad in my closet and whole school hears about it
robbo101: Missed a prime opportunity for a sword fight with your dad
QuickMentality: That's a lost fight.
dangerevans007: dad dicks cannot be bested in a sword fight. this is common knowledge.
Smoking_Moose: How do dad dicks work? I'm a dad for about a year now.
PlaysSnDnaked: Dad dicks are earned, Not given.
Smoking_Moose: This got weird.
exoxe: Oh *now* it's weird..
[deleted]: [Let's get weird!](http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/lets-get-weird-workaholics.gif)
exoxe: Is this from Workaholics?
[deleted]: Yessir. Getting weird and talking about dad dick made me think of that show.
exoxe: I always seem to forget about that show but every time I watch it it's hilarious
[deleted]: Hey next time you see that one show you think is funny, remember that it's Workaholics.
| 13 | 291.230769 | |
1388184936 | 1388190151 | null | t5_2to41 | 50 | wa7: TIFU by accidentally scaring my dad.
So i was in the living room and i could hear the front door to the house open. I thought it was my younger brother and thought i would give him some holiday cheer by hiding then jumping out and scaring him. I hid behind the sofa and waited patiently. A few minutes later i felt someone sit on the couch and that's when i decided to jump up and scream. I jumped out of my hiding spot and gave a quick scream. The only thing i heard was "fuck" before everything blacked out. Turns out it wasn't my little brother that was home but my dad and when i scared him, instead of getting scared he reacted by unintentionally punching me dead center in the face really hard. Tifu
robbo101: Reminds me of this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=meHP_JOcYgc
lostdeceiver: Whoa!
| 3 | 16.666667 | |
1388182119 | 1388522209 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | s0ck15: TIFU by shaving my pubes
It had been getting pretty itchy in my nether-regions so I figured it might be nice to trim or shave down there. I started out trimming with scissors, which went well. I then hopped in the shower to help soften up the skin and hair. Next, I applied shaving cream which is where things got unpleasant; somehow, some of it ended up in my urethra, which burned like all Hell. Despite this precursor to the real pain, I continued.
Now, prepared to begin, I began running the razor through the dense, wiry hair. Within seconds, I had ended up cutting myself. This was painful in its own right, but add the shaving cream, and well, damn. I continued, despite this. In the end, I received about 10 separate nicks on my scrotum, penis, and surrounding regions.
Now, finished with the sting of the cream, I am left with an itchy and unbearable rash caused by the rough stubble and cuts in the area.
WyomingFlip: Trust me, I've been there and electric shavers are a godsend if you don't shave down there regularly. And keep the skin taut while shaving to minimize damage.
14159265: I use electric and only trim it down (to avoid stubble when growing back)
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1388191567 | 1388306352 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | forlornprincess83: TIFU-My first shart...
Sitting outside smoking when the urge to fart hit me it was a normal fart until the end. I finished my smoke sitting in poop juice. Cant believe I was 30 before I had one.
duder423: I hope you shit on your dick
forlornprincess83: I dont have a dick :)
duder423: I hope you shit on your tits
forlornprincess83: That would be quite the feat.
IWantAFuckingUsename: No, tits, not feet.
| 6 | 5.333333 | |
1388189298 | 1388566230 | null | t5_2to41 | 46 | Veneficium: TIFU by killing my uncle's prize winning birds
Ever had one of those days when the moment you wake up you just know it is going to be a horrible day?
A little backstory here, I am living with my aunt and uncle, and my uncle was deployed to Sudan last month (military via UN). So I had to take care of his precious prize winning birds for the winter.
I couldn't sleep at all last night but when I woke up I just knew right then and there, I am going to hate this day. You just know!
I went to take a look at the birds, one bit the dust, the other was sent to their maker, expired, kicked the bucket, etc. etc. 11 birds dead! I don't know fucking how, I don't know how to take care of them, I panicked!
But hey, the day wasn't over yet. My uncle's father (also a birdkeeper, like father like son) came to take a visit and was shocked! so he sent my nephew to scold me saying "how dare you disrespect my father"
So naturally I just pissed off a whole family and am afraid to get kicked out with nowhere to go.
TL:DR Killed 11 Birds, pissed off everyone who takes care of me
TheLoneHollerer: I don't understand, you say you were asked to take care of the birds but you also say you didn't know how to. Were you not given any instructions or what?
Veneficium: I did got instructions, but apparently I didn't do them properly ( although I thought I did, guess I was wrong)
master_blast3r: Did you forget to turn the heat on or something?
| 4 | 11.5 | |
1388203893 | 1388348655 | null | t5_2to41 | 48 | slim2323: TIFU by eating a meal that was clearly not edible.
I was at my favorite restaurant. It lunchtime and by extension busy and I usually avoid this time of day at any restaurant but today was different because I was on a date. Any way I got my order and it comes with a creamy lemon pepper sauce. I notice right away something doesn’t look right. The waitress walks away and I realize the cook curdled the cream in the sauce recipe. I should take this moment to mention I cannot send things back at a restaurant I have never done it and cannot do it because it feels so wrong.
Going on, I decide to make up reasons for it being ok and end up eating the whole thing. Two hours later I am sitting on a toilet shitting my brains out and puking into my shower. I realize I should have sent it back because it was clearly a health risk to eat but its still my favorite restaurant and I will always get that meal.
goofgy: I don't understand what the problem was and what / why it is a health risk and now I am scared because I wouldn't know to avoid this if it happened to me
WyomingFlip: Cream that has been curdled, like it has chunks of cream which is supposed to be a liquid, has been improperly stored or prepared and has allowed bacteria to form which can make you violently ill.
courtoftheair: Not necessarily. You can curdle it by adding something acidic like lemon.
| 4 | 12 | |
1388215887 | 1388521787 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | Lakonthegreat: TIFU by submitting possibly the TIFU of the year under my default username for everything.
Posted a story here early in the AM about what happened to me over the last few years under what is my default username for everything, and found out when I woke up that my best friend and a bunch of my other friends knew about it because it had hit the front page. Thank God the people mentioned in it didn't find out, but it could have been terribly devastating. I still don't know how bad it's going to be, being so fresh and all, but this could potentially ruin my life in a very big way.
Feels bad man. Feels real bad. It's put me in a terrible mental state all day, where I feel like everyone's mad at me and everybody knows. I need to practice my goddamn throwaway account skills.
holnrew: Have you deleted the original post now?
Lakonthegreat: Yeah I had to. Got way too big.
LevelNineNasty: Was it the one where the guy painted a friend nude and saved the pics?
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1388232365 | 1388261344 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | Murnie: TIFU by buying my girlfriend an Christmas present
Happend 2 days ago, still feel bad about it.
Okay so, last week I went christmas shopping with my girlfriend. We were looking for stuff for her parents and brother when she saw this bag. She was in love with it, but couldn't afford it since she's low on money.
I didn't know what to get her yet, so the next day I bought the bag, packed it nicely for somebody that sucks at it, perfect.
So there we were; at the christmas party at her place, unpacking presents. Her dad was the first to give a present at my gf, and guess what he bought her; that *exact same bag*
My head turned red, and I felt horrible. So I just told everyone and they had a good laugh for 30 minutes.
Her dad returned the bag the day after and got her a nice lingerie coupon for a nice amount of money though, so that's nice.
henriettatweeter: Why is her dad buying her lingerie? Creepy.
dralcax: It's just the coupon, though.
henriettatweeter: that's better.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1388237807 | 1388254317 | null | t5_2to41 | 89 | unixhed64: TIFU school server.
Am upgrading local high school server. Removed hard drive to backup on my PC. Mistyped command and made entire hard disk inaccessible. Have to have it working by Jan.6.
HellfireEire: Inaccessible how? Which command did you use?
Your TIFU could turn into a Today Reddit Helped Me By Fixing My Problem.
zman0900: Probably a dd in the wrong direction. Now drive is partially overwritten.
| 3 | 29.666667 | |
1388239749 | 1388264600 | null | t5_2to41 | 778 | DreamPhreak2: TIFU by realising that I sold a rented textbook to a different textbook website
I **rented** a textbook in September from Amazon for $75.
I accidentally **sold** it last week to AbeBooks for $75.
Turns out that if I fail to return it to Amazon, Have to pay $184 now to 'buy' it.
It has already been shipped to AbeBooks and even from the shipping location to their hidden warehouse. I doubt there is any way to get it back now.
http://i.imgur.com/Mdr4T.jpg
^^^^I ^^^^Need ^^^^To ^^^^Get ^^^^A ^^^^Job.
EternalForce: Ouch! Hopefully you'll be more careful next time.
Have some doge for your trouble
+/u/dogetipbot 20 doge
dogetipbot: ^__[Verified]__: ^/u/EternalForce ^-> ^/u/DreamPhreak2 __^Ð20.000000 ^Dogecoin(s)__ ^__($0.0101194)__ ^[[help]](http://www.reddit.com/r/dogetipbot/wiki/index)
cbens: Wut
addeman94: Dogecoins were made to poke fun at bitcoins.
TiMEwastelanD: I'm still trying to fathom that this is actual money and people are investing in it
PatHeist: Wait 'til you hear about pet rocks!
**EDIT:** Seriously though, dogecoin is a novelty currency and you shouldn't invest in it. If you don't know what you're doing you're likely going to end up losing money, and if you do know what you're doing, any amount of money that would be worth investing for you would have unpredictable effects on the value of dogecoin. I'm not even going to get started on the unpredictable growth of it. Good fun, though!
| 7 | 111.142857 | |
1388220476 | 1388248104 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | buknakd: TIFU by leaving a $100 bill in my front pocket.
I believe this happened only because my father would get on me about keeping my cash folded in my front pocket instead of my wallet. "You're going to lose it" he would always say. Now it's a lesson learned
dralcax: What happened to it?
crackabeerandmoveon: Cocaine.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1388262865 | 1388282744 | null | t5_2to41 | 440 | DudeManBr0: TIFU by forgetting to close the porn on my laptop.
TL;DR- father in law needed to use my laptop to install security camera software while I was at work, opened laptop and got a face full o' pornography
So I had asked my wife for a wireless security camera for Christmas so that we could keep an eye on our house while at work due to a couple of security scares in recent times. My father in law volunteered to install the software for me while I was at work and I (foolishly) agreed. Before I went off to work, I fancied a little hand to dong combat. When I finished I closed the laptop and got ready to go to work. Fast forward 2 hours. Father in law is over to install while I'm at work, he opens my laptop to install the software and BOOM- some girl getting railed at full volume. Oopsie.
jutct: Dude.
Dude.
Seriously.
Dude.
ALWAYS close your porn when you're done.
GeneralNotorious: I just don't understand how people forget things like that.
I've had 2 friends who got "the talk" because of this.
[deleted]: Man... I can't wait to give my kids the most intentionally awkward talk of all time after intentionally catching them jerking off. Gonna record it all and put it on /r/cringe.
GeneralNotorious: We need more people like you.
| 5 | 88 | |
1388263681 | 1388309395 | null | t5_2to41 | 88 | nobraincellsleft: TIFU Partied a little too hard.. Now I have an infected swollen testicle and a partially paralyzed hand.
So, long story (my last post) short I did a lot of drugs last week. I've been cool for like a week but I'm seriously fucked up as a result of it. My right hand is weak and un coordinated. I can't even open my phone (yea i have a flip phone, fuck you) It feels numb like the nerves or my circulation has been changed. At first I thought this was carpel tunnel from typing so much a couple nights last week. But now I think it's from shooting meth. At one point I missed a little bit. And I think I collapsed a vein. Also my veins are fucked up these days, I couldn't shoot up if I wanted too. They like burst and it feels like I'm missing everytime now. I read somewhere it's really dangerous if you don't dilute meth shots enough. I think I seriously fucked myself up this time.
As for my balls. After extensive research I believe I have epididymis. Which is a bacterial infecction which has a few causes. One being the rapid shrinking and expansion of the testicles. I was jacking off for 5 hours straight on meth, Check. Another being bacteria meant to be passed through the colon being released though the urinary track. Well seeing as how I didn't eat for four days and I drank water constantly. Check. And finally the other main cause is chlamydia or gonorrhea. Uhhh, I think I'm cool on that but I better keep my fingers crossed. Fuck it, check.
I have all the symptoms of epididymis including Orchitis (swollen painful testicle(s)). That shit sucks so bad. My left nut is like sore, hard, heavy, red, hot to the touch, and twice the size of my right boy. If you've never this be thankful. On top of this my plan to exercise like crazy and clean my system before my drug test is out the window.. Hmm, 'Nothing is fucked here dude'
unicornrage: Wtf bro. Hospital. NAO.
EnterTheDark: Before OP turns into a real-life version of Jared Leto's character in Requiem for a Dream.
unicornrage: That's exactly what I thought of.
| 4 | 22 | |
1388266605 | 1388288225 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | Jasondazombie: TIFU by laughing
I and my family was eating lunch together and I was drinking Pepsi and
My grandmother, let's call her Nonnie was with us at the time(Note: Slightly senile, Ok, senile). Then, Nonnie started pouring Pepsi into her
soup. We shit bricks laughing and I had a lot of Pepsi in my mouth and it all dribbled out back into the cup and on the table. TIFU.
[deleted]: Hopefully, whatever she has is not genetic, or your grandkids could be laughing at you someday. Also, I've never seen anyone write, "I and my family..."
Homletmoo: 'I and my family' is uncommon, but correct. The 'was' that follows, however, should be a 'were'.
Jasondazombie: SHIT! I KNEW SOMETHING WAS WRONG!
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1388281582 | 1388346507 | null | t5_2to41 | 123 | toadstule: Tifu by dumping junk in the wrong car
Today I set out to get a bucket of rusty keys from the local scrap yard. I acquired the keys, but the attendant wanted me to bring the bucket back. So I dumped the contents out into the trunk of my Subaru. Out came a dusty, rusty, dirty pile of old keys and a rusty kitchen knife (and some rocks). I took the bucket back and went back out to my car. I sat down in the drivers seat and realized it wasn't my Subaru, but another just like it. At this point I might've thought that I dumped the keys in the wrong car, but no, I got out so flustered that I got in the right car and drove away without thinking about them. To the person who found that abomination of rusty metal in their trunk: Uhhhh... I can explain
WPBDoc: How did you get into the trunk without the keys?
lostdeceiver: It must have one of those fancy buttons that opens the trunk.
dsmaxwell: But if you don't have the right transmitter it shouldn't work.
lostdeceiver: I'm guessing that there's also a button inside the car that opens the trunk.
dsmaxwell: Which brings us back to how he got into the car in the first place?
KristyConfused: Perhaps the car wasn't locked. That would make the most sense.
dsmaxwell: That would make sense, but who doesn't lock their car in this day and age?
schizophrenictornado: as a carhopper i can tell you A LOT of people dont lock their cars..
MountainPercussion: You say that like your proud. Asshole.
| 10 | 12.3 | |
1388289152 | 1388474246 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | rocky1rocky2: TIFU when me and a friend went to Deny's and ate a lot, got home and trusted a fart...
and I didn't shit myself, but my stomach felt incredibly bad and I got the Hershey® Squirts™. I still feel a little on edge,
tl;dr: Don't reset the counter.
[deleted]: I've never understood how people act like eating "bad food" makes you shit yourself almost immediately. Am I abnormal in that it takes me eight hours to digest and pass things? How do you people think you're eating food and then shitting out that food three hours later?
rocky1rocky2: Well, I think its the grease in the food that messed with my stomach, but I don't know. But yeah, usually I'm also complaining about how weak people stomachs hear apparently. People in reddit seem to think that taco bell is instant laxative.
Smoking_Moose: Well.. give it an hour.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1388290451 | 1388290717 | null | t5_2to41 | 39 | momomolemons: TIFU by shitting. Actually.
So tonight my friend was having a nice LAN party, which for those of you don't know is a bunch of friends hanging out, except they all bringing gaming consoles and play on the same internet. Doesn't sound impressive, but is actually pretty fun, even if it is a little bit nerdy.
We had just eaten dinner, and some of us needed to go to the restroom. I wads the first, and naturally, I wanted to leave a little surprise in there for the next occupant. So I take my massive dump and leave the bathroom *without flushing*.
I go outside and return to my friends, telling them that the next person can now go use the toilet. However, the hosts father decided to use the bathroom before anyone else could go to it. He goes in, all of the other people hysterically laughing, as I curl up and go under the table. The dad goes out of the bathroom, looks at us with a disapproving look, and walks away.
TIFU. Bad.
Release_the_KRAKEN: What games were you playing?
momomolemons: Mostly cod ghosts and battlefield
Release_the_KRAKEN: Ghosts and getting counter-knifed in battlefield is upsetting.
| 4 | 9.75 | |
1388293232 | 1388299707 | null | t5_2to41 | 121 | [deleted]: Today I fucked up by shitting my pants when farting.
So I've been overindulging over the Christmas period, and Needless to say, it has caused havoc with my digestive system.
I was working on the tills, when I felt myself becoming bloated and uncomfortable. It was inevitable... I was going to have to sneak out the smelliest concoction known to the human race.
I waited for a lull, when my colleague had gone off to have a smoke outside, and I seized my moment. It had been hanging around the very edge of my anus, politely waiting for permission to explore the world outside. Little did I realise my fart had other, more adventurous ideas.
As I released the floodgates to this stink breeze, a torrent of unexpected shit waterfall came forth like something from a disaster movie, metre moments before a customer approaches my till to purchase items.
Within seconds, the smell hit and the rotting shit stench had fulfilled it's desire to explore the nose of an unsuspecting person.
All I could do was run horrified into the back office and shout to the customer that I was feeling suddenly very sick, and would need to wait for my colleague just outside the door who must have seen something was up because he came inside quickly, and instead of helping the customer, ran into the office, deduced from the brown shit smear that extended about 12 feet to where the incident occurred exactly what had happened, and proceed to shout the following...
You actually shit yourself at work you dirty bastard!
Not sure what was worse, the customer laughing his ass off, or the instant desire from my colleague to use the situation to make me feel more embarrassed than anything I could have every imagined.
SenseiCAY: Dammit, what's the number rule of /r/TIFU?
Never. Trust. A. Fart.
...reset the counter, folks.
BreakfastWithReddit: For this sub, we should include an actual counter on the sidebar for this certain occurrence for amusement.
Or do we already have this feature. I use Alien Blue when I reddit.
Drumdrum98: They had one at some point, not sure if its still there. Probably is.
| 4 | 30.25 | |
1388318150 | 1388379718 | null | t5_2to41 | 410 | haibane: TIFU by ordering from possible scam website
Today I was looking for a computer charger and ordered it from the random website which came up in google search. Moments later, I started to realise something was wrong as the name of the seller was in Chinese, emails about my order came from a few different email addresses and the site had some terrible reviews.
Oops. I should really know better, I am usually the "computer person" of the family. I blame very early morning, I must still be sleepy.... But, really, there is absolutely no excuse, I ***should*** know better.
Oh well, at least it was only ~20£ and I paid by Paypal so when my order very likely doesn't turn up I can get my money back. ><
EastenNinja: what did you buy and what was the site?
haibane: Not sure if I should give the site name just in case they still deliver (however unlikely)? It was a charger.
cjsolx: Check your bank account often.. Or maybe not because keyloggers. I'd be very very paranoid right now.
thatoneguy172: He paid through paypal, which means that they cannot steal extra money from him... Well as far as I know.
haibane: Yup, PayPal, so at least that's fine. One thing I did right today... In all honesty, if website does not offer PayPal, I usually just abandon shopping cart.
Ghost17088: Credit cards are safe too.
Kigasho: except they have your credit card number if theyre shady and you don't want that
Ghost17088: Yeah, call the credit card company and you get your money back and get your card re-issued if needed. I've done it.
| 9 | 45.555556 | |
1388329353 | 1388423599 | null | t5_2to41 | 301 | NaplesBaitMan: TIFU by having to poop
I'm a truck driver. Not the big eighteen wheelers you see but nonetheless a rather large delivery truck. I have a set route every day with little to no variation and being someone with bowels designed by Satan himself, I kept track of where the cleanest, nicest bathrooms are on my route.
So last night, I ate a hot Italian sub from a local pizza place complete with hot peppers, onions, oil and vinegar. Mistake number one, as this always upsets my stomach the next day, but I really wanted one.
So I wake up, feel fine, get halfway done with work and it hits me. I have to go. NOW. Unfortunately I was not at one of my normal bathroom stops, and had to use one that I was not totally comfortable with but this was an emergency. The shizzlin' drits were coming and I needed some sweet, sweet relief.
So I sit in this dingy bathroom and unleash the cork, that was holding back my poop monsoon and hopped on reddit and finish my dignitaries.
Now, I'm 6'3. Keep that in mind...
I finish up and sorry but I stand to wipe. I stand up and and just as I get a good chunk of the mess out/off of me, I look to my right and make direct eye contact with a man who was just walking into the bathroom. Not a quick glance, not look and look away. We locked eyes for what seemed like eternity as I was trying to coax this peanut butter out of my snag carpet. I never noticed the stall partitions were so low... By far and away one of the top ten most awkward moments of my life...
PublicSharpie: If I were the other guy, I would be haunted by this.
NaplesBaitMan: I hope. He didn't want my milkshakes.
Augenmann: Your milkshake brings all the men to the stall?
NaplesBaitMan: That whole sentence was a typo. But screw it. I'm leaving it.
soren_grey: What did you mean to say??
NaplesBaitMan: The period threw the whole thing off. Thought it was funnier just leaving it.
Money_Pockets: Interesting how punctuation can change the entire meaning of a sentence. English rocks!
| 8 | 37.625 | |
1388346155 | 1388521191 | null | t5_2to41 | 409 | karmajuney: TIFU by blasting "3 way" in a nursing home...
Alright so I'm on vacation in florida and I'm staying in my uncles apartment which coincidentally is right next to a nursing home. I just got this new bluetooth speaker and I'm psyched to try it out. So I get everything set up, I go on my phone and click the nearest device and I connect successfully. I now open Pandora and click on my Lonely Island radio (the last thing I was listening to) to find "3 way" (2 guys talking about have a 3 way and how it isn't gay at all). The sound didn't come out of my speakers so I unplugged them and after a few minutes I realized what had happened..I had connected to the wrong bluetooth and had blasted "3 way" on the overhead speaker of a nursing home, with about 20-30 seniors. Glad I'm leaving Florida today.
TLDR; Blasted inappropriate music through a nursing room
theheyitstrace: Be happy for three reasons
1 it wasnt porn like metatron said.
2 it wasnt OFWG or something like goats and your mom
3 They will probably forget it anyway..
WyomingFlip: 4. Why would the it people at the nursing home leave it as unsecured?
ferthur: If it's a remote bluetooth speaker, it may just pair with anything. Bluetooth pairing is pretty insecure, but transmissions between paired devices are quite secure.
FurTrader58: But usually with Bluetooth you loose the signal after 10-15 feet. If it were airplay you would have to be on the same wifi network
| 5 | 81.8 | |
1388354348 | 1388358618 | null | t5_2to41 | 49 | Crimson88: TIFU by wishing merry x-mas.
I woke up late then went downstairs and I noticed one of my cousins was outside smoking, I said hi, wished him a merry x-mas and hugged him; then I asked him "Where is your wife", he looked at me funny and said "...What?" then I raised my voice a little and said "(Wife's name), where is she?", after a brief silence he said "She is home with the kids", afterwards I went inside not really paying attention to the conversation then my brother informed my cousin was divorcing her and was moving in with us for a while.
This is the kind of stuff that makes people not like me.
WyomingFlip: Not really a fuck up of you didn't know that prior to the conversation.
Crimson88: Well, I did fuck up. Just not intentionally.
| 3 | 16.333333 | |
1388359073 | 1388374174 | null | t5_2to41 | 39 | busterbluth34: TIFU by getting scammed with a cab fee
So I am traveling from Istanbul to Sofia by bus yesterday and the journey was quite long. I get to the bus station and feel too lazy to take public transport, so I hop in a cab after a guy asks if I need one. First clue of con. My host had warned me that the price would be about 2.50 Euro if I didn't get a charlatan. Charlatan? Pshhhh. In Istanbul, the meter is always the same no matter what company the car is from.
As it turns out, this is apparently not the case in Bulgaria. We get to the apartment and suddenly I realize there's a problem. This guy's meter must have been something like 7 lev per kilometer (normal should be less than 1). Then he tries to tell me the meter (which rose to 36) is the price is in Euro and I need to pay 70 lev. When I told him I wouldn't pay it, he started freaking out and saying "don't go police! Don't go police!" So I ended up paying 40 lev for a ride that should've been less than 10 lev.
Considering I've done extensive traveling and usually have my guard up about money, yesterday I really fucked up.
NightOfPandas: Yeah. I was in India in September, and this guy who had no fucking clue where he was going (Autorickshaw) was trying to overcharge, and took my friend and I in a circle, twice. We noticed, and didn't pay the guy anything. Cab drivers are giving you a service, you dont need to let them fuck you. You can simply walk away.
AuctionSniper: Funny.
| 3 | 13 | |
1388365859 | 1388968434 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,490 | shamefulthroway123: TIFU by accidentally stabbing my friend with a kitchen knife
theangus: If OP doesn't deliver soon, lets just assume he REALLY TIFU'd and killed his friend.
EhEmWhy: Really? Why would you even say that right now!
[deleted]: Because by the sounds of it there's a possibility...
EhEmWhy: Yeah I just meant that's kinda insensitive to OP
starwarsian: Its the internet. we don't know how to be sensitive.
[deleted]: What even *is* sense?
karmawhore39: Use your common sense for that one
[deleted]: How common is said sense?
karmawhore39: Surprisingly not very it doesnt make sense to call it commonsense should be raresense or as i like to call it nonsense :]
| 10 | 149 | |
1388372294 | 1388446315 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | Ninja_Philip: TIFU by burning my dick
Today was chili day. My mother had prepared a huge pot of chili. The family doesn't like spicy in it, however, I do. I had a Trinidad Scorpion Moruga and a couple ghost chilies. I cut up the moruga and put it in a bowl, and for my next bowl decided to put in a ghost chili. It was good, very spicy. I could tolerate it. Later I had to take a piss, forgetting I had handled these peppers with my bare hands. My dickhole is currently feeling like what I would say is worse than getting kicked in the nuts. Help me.
Pr1m4lcur5e: Well sir you are a true man, handling such spicy peppers. I thought I could handle spicy...
Ninja_Philip: Pretty sure I've loved spicy since I was born. I've grown to tolerate most things. Jalapeños and habaneros don't even have a noticeable spice anymore. It's inhuman.
Pr1m4lcur5e: Yeah, I eat ghost chilis a lot, but I don't think I would dare to even touch my tongue to a Trinidad Moruga Scorpion let alone put it in my stomach.
Ninja_Philip: I put the whole thing in a single bowl of chili. Terrible mistake.
Pr1m4lcur5e: You must have balls of fire, no pun intended haha.
Aplosion: and a dick of "OH MY MOTHERFUCKING JESUS, is this painful"
| 7 | 3.714286 | |
1388373115 | 1388437258 | null | t5_2to41 | 52 | monthlyduck: TIFU by eating gummies
When I wen't over to my friends apartment to do a project, i went over to his kitchen thingy to mooch off some food. I open some cabinets and find some gummies in a bag and start eating them after finishing the large bag of gummies i started to feel like my stomach was about to explode. Looking at the bag i realized they were vitamin fiber supplements. I mustve taken a 18 hour shit-time because now i have a giant red ring on my ass..
TL;DR: Look before you eat……
HouseOfMiro: I hope you got home in time to privately release the demon.
monthlyduck: Barely...
| 3 | 17.333333 | |
1388361591 | 1388537044 | null | t5_2to41 | 93 | Roboticantics: TIFU by dropping the F bomb in a church.
So there I was, at a gathering with family members, and other grown folk. I'm the family member people don't know exist; I moved away after graduation and only come home for dire situations. I'm 25 years' old and my parent's still frown upon swearing in front of them. We're all talking and my step-dad says, he's surprised I didn't add salt to my Sam Adams' the other night at dinner. Naturally I'm in my element, he's talking beer, I don't have to think about why I'm there, and then the word vomit of six years not surrounded by family happened, I snapped a reply, "You don't fuck with perfection!" there's a slight hiccup, and my setting hits in, I'm in the house of the Lord, in front of my parents, and I can feel every single eye on me. Naturally, as with any inappropriate joke, I ran with it.
tldr; I said fuck, and was struck by lightning.
Moonreaver: ... Who talks casually about getting drunk while in church?
Roboticantics: It was a casual comment about the beer I had a dinner the previous night- my family adds salt to everything my stepdad thought he was being funny.
Moonreaver: Ah still weird to be casual about in church, but to each their own, yeah?
| 4 | 23.25 | |
1388374209 | 1388648963 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | ThinGestures: TIFU by mistaking the GBR flag for the confederate flag.. in front of my very British boss.
He wanted to show me something on his computer and his background was the GBR flag and I mistook it for the confederate flag.
He was very offended. And it was painfully awkward while he showed me the video.
TurdDrop: I have that flag on my wallet. I'm English but was rasied in Ohio and speak with no accent most of the time. I'm living in SC now. About six months ago I went to pick up one of those horrible $5 hot and ready pizzas and as I paid for it the toothless young lady behind the counter puts on her best flirting face and says "Oh! Hell ya, you a redneck!?" And leans over the counter so I can see her horrible cleavage sunburn line. I was stunded silent for a second trying to think of why I come off as a redneck and all I came up with is that I did show up in a truck. Still really confused I just say, "um...sorta, i guess". She answers my confusion with a confused look of her own and I leave. I was pulling out of the parking lot when I realized she was glancing at my wallet and must of mistakened it for her beloved rebel flag. What a dumb redneck, there isn't even any stars on it.
Steamboatwillie9: 'Aren't any stars' you incestuous, judgemental rube.
| 3 | 7 | |
1388376091 | 1388431921 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | Americandesserts: TIFU by shitting in a favorite childhood spot
Actually, several months ago I fucked up. This is how it all went down.
Over the summer, I was suffering from a pretty bad bout of constipation. Having tried everything else, I put on my shorts, tank top and sneakers and decided I'd go for a nice long run to dislodge the blockage. Reddit's many stories of people shitting during exercise were encouraging. However, since it had been such a long time since I'd last shit, I figured I could make it home.
The road loops around my house in a four-mile circle and I've run it many times before without incident. It also passes by the house of a boy I was friends with as a young kid, but since had a few fights with and generally stopped talking to.
I made it through the first mile and a half or two miles without any incident, but then I realized that my master plan was working all too well. Exactly halfway from home, there was no way on earth I was going to be able to make it. After breaking a sweat that had nothing to do with the heat, I tried walking, but that only made it worse.
Finally I decided to suck it up and go to that old friend's house. I was going to ask to use their bathroom. His mother had never stopped liking me and I was certain that if only she answered the door, she'd understand. Now in full panic mode, I waddled up the front path and rang the doorbell.
Nothing. Ah, fuck. Well, they did like to sleep in and it was early afternoon, so I rang again. And again. Still nothing. At that point I knew there was nothing to do but answer the call of nature in nature itself. I made my way around the back of the house, now thoroughly sweating, and looked for some place to do the deed.
A big stretch of woods was about fifty feet from the back of the house but I knew I would never, ever make it. The yard was fairly wide open, but the neighbors' cars were gone so I figured no one was home there either. I was still afraid of doing it right in the middle of the yard but felt I had no choice. I was just getting a grip on the waistband of my shorts when I saw the huge hedge/bush by the side of the house.
My friend's grandfather had hollowed out the inside to make a playhouse for me and his grandson when we were younger, and I knew that they kept up with it because I'd seen him trimming it on previous runs. I dove into the bush, dropped my pants, and did the deed.
It was amazing, aside from having to crouch very low and getting a few twigs stuck in my ponytail. I regret nothing.
I pulled my pants back up, made sure the coast was clear and finished my run. I haven't spoken to him since then, but I always feel a little guilty running by.
TL;DR Shit on a childhood friend's property, regret nothing
MegaCharizardY: That is AWESOME. I wish I could have seen their reactions!! I feel bad for the person who had to clean it up though!
Felonia: She shit in a bush, so it likely just biodegraded on it's own. Yay! Victimless crime.
Pixeleyes: I feel like she victimized herself.
| 4 | 8.5 | |
1388377251 | 1388429170 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | ohshitidunfuckedup: TIFU by leaving a phone in my office
So a little bit of backstory:
I'm 16 by the way.
I am a gamer so naturally I have some servers running in my office. I'm only at this house every other month so I need to be able to monitor some servers that I have in the office. I'm also a cheap person so my only way to monitor said servers is to use a old android phone I had laying around and use that as an IP Camera. I forgot about this and as it turns out, this phone has been on since June of 2012.
This phone sat in a little office organizer and just stayed plugged in, always watching. Earlier this year I had to move the servers to a different building so that my sister can stay here when she got back from college. I bet you see whats gonna happen. The servers got moved out but I forgot about the camera and stopped logging in to check it because I really didn't need to now that the servers were in my room.
My sister came home for the holidays and the office became her room. No big deal. Today I was sitting in my room and guess what! My mom started yelling at me from down stairs. Oh shit..... I go down and there they are at the kitchen table. They just lost it. My mom is pretty god damn religious and so is my sister. Apparently when my sister got home she saw the phone, on a camera app, and absolutely flipped her shit. I think my mom disowned me during the yell fest. I tried to explain that it was for servers but because the room got rearranged, it was pointed right to the center of the room and apparently she has changed in there many times. They automatically assumed I was spying on her because I'm a horny teenager.
So now I'm in my room, my dads on the way from work and I have to figure out a way to explain that I'm not a peeper. My mom is downstairs crying to my relatives for some reason and my sister is probably telling all her friends about what a little perv I am. Not looking forward to the next few hours.
TL:DR I had a phone as an IP camera in my office. Sister stayed in office. Now I'm a disowned peter piper peeper.
Money_Pockets: I was really hoping you accidentally recorded some nude sister action.
ohshitidunfuckedup: Yep. I just checked my main server (which has the camera program recorder) and yep. I did. :(
Money_Pockets: Damn...that's gotta be weird to watch.
ohshitidunfuckedup: It really was. I cant really look at her right now.
Money_Pockets: Shit...good luck man :(
| 6 | 2.666667 | |
1388376609 | 1388381240 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by putting my cigarette out on my propane tank
So when have this propane tank behind our house that heats our home, and i just started smoking and I'm in my back yard and just finished my cigarette and not thinking put it out on the propane tank, right after it was out i noticed what I had just done, and I threw that shit down and as far away as i could as fast as possible, and by some mother fucking miracle it didn't explode, I almost shat my-self. So I just went and side and stared at my blank TV thinking how lucky i am and how i havent did yet from my previous fuck ups, i did that for about 2 hours.
knuckleduster: The tank itself isn't explosive, or even flamable, you are fine.
GiveUpOnLifePants_: Oh damn really, well shit still im not going to do that again
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1388380863 | 1388501920 | null | t5_2to41 | 69 | [deleted]: TIFU by learning my brother's shower habits
I am horrified. Just now, I had a conversation with my brother, who is nineteen. We were making chitchat when the conversation shifted to shower habits. He told me that up until a little while ago, he didn't know he was supposed to soap his crotch. He just splashed some water on that bad boy.
What resulted was a grimy "V", composed of God knows what along his groin. Apparently, it's gone now but it gets worse. To my horror, I discovered that my brother has never soaped his ass. Ever.
He just spreads his ass cheeks like a pale [dilophosaurus](http://static3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20090430172732/jurassicpark/images/8/8e/JP-Dilophosaurus1.jpg), lets the water run through, and calls it a job well done.
Money_Pockets: "He just spreads his ass cheeks like a pale dilophosaurus, lets the water run through, and calls it a job well done."
10/10
CantSeeShit: I used to do the same thing to be honest
Belgara: Well, you couldn't see shit, so it must have been alright.
| 4 | 17.25 | |
1388399983 | 1388422578 | null | t5_2to41 | 52 | Maberu-chan: TIFU by getting accused of stealing a car...
Alright, keep in mind that my family and I are Hispanic. We live in a middle class all white neighborhood. So we were at blockbuster (tragic, I know), we get out of the car and go to rent our movie. Little did we know, some idiot had the same car as us, parked it right next to us, and left it UNLOCKED. Once we rented our movie, my dad goes to unlock the car. We hear the locks unlock and we go in. My dad goes "Why does it smell so clean?" and then it hits us like a pile of scented roses... We are in the wrong car. The guy who owns the car we were currently in comes out, and his eyes got as wide as dinner plates. He sees us, two dark skinned, Hispanics in his car, I have my hood pulled up and I was crouching down to see where my Nintendo DS Lite had gone... So to him it looked like I was searching the car for something. My dad is in the drivers seat, keys in the ignition, ready to back out... The guy flips his shit, he grabs his phone and tells us "Don't hurt me, I'll give you whatever you want!" (cliche right)? And he dials the police, and like 5 minutes later, they arrive. The guy tells the cops that we were trying to steal his car. My dad is in handcuffs at this point and I'm standing there trying to explain what happened. Long story short, I told the policemen that we mean no harm, that we live near by, we were renting a movie and coincidentally enough... A man with the same car, and the exact same color, pulls up next to us, and leaves the door unlocked. I told them to let my father hand me the car keys, I lead them to the car, go unlock it and tell them that this is the car that belongs to us. And that we were not, under any circumstances trying to steal a car. Lucky for us, everything got straightened out and we were not arrested. The guy apologized for jumping the gun so quickly, he said he did it because he was scared and the cops apologized for putting my dad in handcuffs. On the bright side the policemen gave us a coupon book for Arctic Circle.
TL;DR That coincidents can almost land you in jail, but if you're lucky you can get a coupon book to a food joint and NOT get put in jail.
le_mous: OP, you had me at:
> On the bright side the policemen gave us a coupon book for Arctic Circle.
sporkisfaster: The frogurt is also cursed.
le_mous: Given OP's story so far.. They're going see two older hispanic males entering for frogurt, followed by a younger hispanic male in full-on Trayvon hoodie..
This has a high potential of not ending well either..
| 4 | 13 | |
1388416187 | 1388420842 | null | t5_2to41 | 93 | JestinMask: TIFU By being ill
This happened just now, It's just passed Christmas, and for the past 5 years I've been ill between new years and Christmas eve. Anyway, one day until the 31st and I would have gotten away from it, but noooo, this year has been to good for me for it to keep going, first girlfriend, first kiss, first tattoo, quite a lot of firsts, hell we even moved house, first time I have gotten my own room, so anyway, I thought I would have gotten away with being ill for the first time in 5 years, but no. woke up this morning with stumach ache, thought it was just normal, lolno how wrong that was. I go to the bathroom, have a coughing fit, throw up in the sink through both my nose and mouth, (both vomit and blood) (also keep in mind, I'm wearing brand new underwear, and brand new pjs I got for Christmas) anyway, leaning over the sink, throwing up both vomit and blood through my mouth and nose while crying, theeeeeennn I soiled myself, again this year buy one get one free, it just couldnt have been only shit could it? no. Blood as well this year, I've just spent the past 30 minutes washing shit from my ballsack while throwing up. Great year this year!
alpineliam: Dude. Go to the doctors. I'm not medically trained but I'm pretty confident shitting and vomiting blood is pretty bad.
JestinMask: He wouldn't do anything if I went anyway, last time he accused me of faking it and attacked me so I'd rather not
alpineliam: Does this happen often? I am assuming you don't know why it happens either? You could see another doctor, it does sound pretty serious.
JestinMask: last time it happened was a couple year back I think, also sorry for late reply was throwing up again
alpineliam: Blood in vomit, pee or poo are medical red flags, I don't want to sound overly dramatic but you really should get checked out. I'm not sure how you'd go about that in the States (where I assume you are?) but if I didn't want to see my doctor I'd go to a walk in clinic or something.
| 6 | 15.5 | |
1388410181 | 1388529591 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,010 | 420blazeshit: TIFU by spending €30 on porn
So I'm on holidays in Germany and there was nobody else home so I figured it'd be good to knock one out. I assumed I was connected to the WiFi so I loaded up a video and started going at it. The video cut out about half way through and I couldn't get my connection back. It was only at that point that I realised I was using roaming 3G and I'd spent all my credit on 5 minutes of porn
Money_Pockets: Damn that's gotta sting. I thought from the title that you buckled down and paid for a porn subscription.
JaapHoop: Does anyone actually have one of these?
Money_Pockets: I did it once. You get some really damn good quality, choices, and can download as much as you want, and fast. But no not worth it.
montejano760: AMA?
Money_Pockets: I once paid for an internet porn subscription. AMA!
Soccadude123: Which site was it
Money_Pockets: www.sapphicerotica.com
Best lesbian porn I've ever seen.
Westboro_Fap_Tits: That's actually quite understandable. I've never been huge into porn, but my former roommate watched it frequently and that site... whew
stoleg: > I've never been huge into porn
| 10 | 101 | |
1388426146 | 1388466686 | null | t5_2to41 | 41 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting drunk with my roomate/roomate's girlfriend
It's hard to explain and my memory is missing parts as I was very very drunk... So, I live with my friend, we will call him Bill , and his girlfriend, who we will call Jill. I am 25, she is 20, and Bill is 26. I moved in with them a few months ago since they had an extra room and we all got along well together. We all had saturday off and I had to go house sit for a friend who had recently had a big christmas party so there were lots of leftovers to eat. So, I convinced them to come over with me so we could eat, smoke weed, and play games on this giant TV. So as we were eating we decide to make some screwdrivers. Well Bill takes a couple sips and realized he promised another friend of his that he was going to hang out with him, but Jill does not like this person and refuses to be around him at all. So he says he will be back in a couple hours, and of course we were giving him shit for leaving like that cause both Jill and I have been wanting to play this multi-player game very badly.
So Bill leaves, and me and her continue to drink and start playing the video game. We were goofing off and having fun fighting each other for points in the game even though it was a cooperative game. We eventually start pushing each other and shit which led to tickling and wrestling... so she was losing but refused to give up so she started biting me and I said that was cheating so I wanted to "cheat" back but didn't want to do something painful, but I was drunk so my reasoning wasn't so great and I thought that pulling down her pants would be a good way to get her back. So, I let her get up and fix her pants and eventually the same thing happens again and she was biting me and I said something along the lines of "you know what happens when you bite me, I get to cheat back." I was also stuffing these fuzzies in her bra from this blanket that was on the couch with us. This went on for a while until Bill got back, which was wayyy later than expected and we both quickly jumped up and pretended like nothing happened. She even chastised him about being a "whiny bitch" for being a poor sport and giving up in the middle of playing a board game the night before.
The next day I invited them over. I was hoping to get a chance to talk to Jill alone about what happened the night before but it never happened. It seemed like everyone was acting normal, but they wound up leaving pretty quickly, though they tend to do that sort of thing. But I feel like she has told him what happened... that could just be me though.
A few more thoughts I wanted to add... She has been talking about some of the things that I do is "cute" or "adorable" and even mentioned how I was in a dream of hers. He is technically married to a girl in Peru and just never got around to getting a divorce or annulment and this really bothers her. Also, he often acts really childish and throws fits where he will lock himself in their room.
EDIT: I am ***NOT*** trying to excuse myself. I know what I did was horrible. I really don't know why I did it. I have never done anything like this before, and never thought I would.
**TL;DR I got really drunk and got in a tickle/wrestling fight with my roomate/roomate's girlfriend which ended up me taking off her pants and stuffing things in her bra.**
**Update: So, they have both came over again today and everything is totally normal. I'm sure she hasn't said anything to him but she has acted totally normal... like it never happened at all. In fact she sat down right next to me on a two-seater couch and Bill sat on the only other chair in this small room.
J973: Former slutty girl here, that girl wants to fuck you 7 ways till Sunday. Seriously. If that would have been me (as the girl) we would have done it. For sure. You showed restraint and the BF is a dumb-ass. You don't leave your GF with your roommate drinking. Are you nuts?
Furthermore... don't listen to reddit on this one. You aren't the dick. You aren't the one in the relationship. She is. Technically you didn't fuck her, so they need to get over it.
Edit: And let the downvotes commence. I am in real life, not the holier-than-thou hiding behind the computer screen. Shit happens in real life.
LuxRex: Why do you qualify yourself as a former slutty girl and do you want to go drink heavily one night?
J973: I've been married for 12 years, so that puts a serious damper on the sluttyness. For me anyway, my husband is another matter.
| 4 | 10.25 | |
1388422904 | 1388634832 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: AboutAYearAgoIFU by showing an apple employee my child porn stash that I forgot I had.
First let me explain what I mean by CP. Not the 68 year old man with a seven four year old girls in the basement kind, but the two underage kids sexing each other kind. I was in a relationship, we were both nearly 16 at the time, had been together for over a year. I don't want to give out too many details, as I know my friends reddit, but I was going on a foreign exchange trip for a significant period of time and so swapping nudes over snapchat was about the only way either of us could suppress our hormones. I'd like to think that we were relatively mature, and I still don't think there was anything wrong with our exchange. In months of mutual exchanges in both directions this was the only thing that went wrong. We would have sent them through SMS but we figured that it would be easier for our parents to look into, not that we didn't trust each other.
Before we even started sexting, I had downloaded a tweak on my jail broken iPhone to enhance snapchat. Send snaps over 10s, send pics from your camera roll, etc. I forgot that I had set it to save images to my camera roll automatically as well. It also never marked them as read, so I only had to go into snapchat if I wanted a second look. I was using my iPhone as my camera, and every few days I dumped the photos off to my computer. It auto split the images I took and the ones from snapchat into different folders, and somehow I had managed to not notice that my photo library contained 15 year old boobs as well as me in front of ancient landmarks.
Well, my roommate accidentally destroyed my laptop screen, making it impossible to see if the computer still worked at all. By the time I got back to America, the sexting had stopped, and was only a distant memory, as now I had access to 3d boobs again.
Once I got my old laptop hooked up to an external monitor, I couldn't remember where I had saved all of my pictures. I was too cheap to buy iPhoto so they were in some random folder I had forgotten about. I looked all over, and just accepted they were lost. I got iPhoto on my new laptop, and I noticed that photo-stream contained some of my recent photos, but not all of them from the trip. I simply scrolled all the way to the top of the 1000 photo list to see what the earliest photo it still had saved. Unfortunately it was from halfway through my trip, so I thought that perhaps apple still had older photos on their servers, and it couldn't hurt by trying to call them and see if they did.
I called them up, navigated their call center until I got to a person, and explained my situation. He asked for my Apple ID, and after providing it he said he had all of my photos in front of him. I was calling him in front of my laptop, which had the same photos in front of me. I slightly zoned out of the call, reminiscing as I slowly scrolled through the photos, hearing the tech support guy apologetically say it doesn't seem like there is anything older than what I was able to reclaim myself. Then I see it. Fifteen or so photos in a row of my naked girlfriend in different positions, some with personal pseudo sexy comments under them. Shocked, I instantly put the pieces together. As I scroll a bit more, the stream becomes more and more densely populated with my fap material. I zone back into the call as he stutters clearly seeing the same thing I am, saying something like "I'm really sorry I don't see anything here older than (some specific date)." it was a year ago, and I don't remember the details perfectly, but it was clear at the time he definitely saw her. I nervously say that it's okay, and he nervously replies the typical closing statement they are told to give when they can't help, clearly trying to keep a strait face after what he saw. I quickly transferred all of the images into my library, deleted them from photo stream, selected all of the nudes, had one final fap and deleted them from my computer. I was going to tell her, as I thought it would be the moral thing to do, but i found out she cheated on me before I got back so I just decided it was even and let it go unmentioned.
AMA.
FatalExceptionOE: This was not as good as I was expecting.
12467: Well do you want me to embellish it for you?
Cant_Translate_Shit: This is reddit man, that's what we do.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1388446231 | 1388561087 | null | t5_2to41 | 49 | emqbmx: TIFU: TYAMUFU (Twelve Years Ago My Uncle Fucked Up) And made the first 9/11 joke
So my uncle had been trying to get a company to pick up his idea for an airline company that he and a bunch of other people had an idea for. So he was pitching the idea to a bunch of higher ups in a company. The meeting was in the Met Life building. (Near the Twin Towers) So the meeting is on 9/11/01. Right after he finishes pitching the idea THE FUCKING PLANE HITS ONE OF THE TWIN TOWERS. He just looks at all of the business men, who are in complete shock, and says "So i'm going to take that as a no..." Needless to say the company did not take his idea.
Cant_Translate_Shit: Don't care if this happened or not, made me crack up
emqbmx: Oh it happened... And it was glorious...
Geloni: So you were there?
emqbmx: no my uncle and his friends where
stealingyourpixels: Liar liar OP's on fire.
| 6 | 8.166667 | |
1388456042 | 1388470644 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,701 | radioactivecelery: TIFU by demonstrating my flexibility
I was with some friends at the tail end of a night of Fireball shots when the guy I kind of like asked me to "do something sexy". He was pretty gone and so was I. I decided to show off my ability to do a complete backbend from a standing position. Halfway down, it happened. With all the steely indifference of Vesuvius, my ass exploded an unholy cocktail if whiskey, shame, and misfortune. Near tears, I crafted a lame drunken excuse to leave. If they found out, they never mentioned it. TL;DR: Tried to be sexy, done shat myself, deuced the fuck out (literally)
LuxRex: A girlfriend once shat on me while having an orgasm. She was riding on top and I heard a fart and felt something warm fall on my balls. The look of horror on her face was priceless. Cheer up, you could have done worse...
jutct: > Cheer up, you could have done worse...
Really? What could be worse?
[deleted]: ...Shitting on her boyfriend's balls. Did you not read the first two sentences of his comment?
Myanex: What could have been worse than? His mouth? :<
[deleted]: His infant daughter?
Myanex: :O You win..
Csardonic1: Late infant daughter.
Myanex: Okay, you get an honorable mention.
[deleted]: Ex-girlfriends miscarriage (that was yours)
Myanex: Jesus Christ, the amount of dead children is too damn high!
| 11 | 154.636364 | |
1388450358 | 1388707236 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | naughtybro: TIFU by accidently leaving my bag of naughty things where my sister found it
I'm (30yo male) in the process of moving, and one of my sisters (15yo) kindly offered to help with the cleaning. I had left a bag full of my secret things in a closet intending to move it later, and she found it.
This bag contains several bits of sexy lingerie (I like to feel sexy sometimes), several dildoes and vibrators, anal lube, make up, chastity cage, flesh lite. All the things you don't want anyone to see, let alone your innocent sister.
She can barely look at me now and its just so awkward.
MCCreepers13: If your male why do you have dildos and vibrators?
Bassskilla: Ever seen kids in a sandbox?
MCCreepers13: No but I've heard of it
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1388460561 | 1388466540 | null | t5_2to41 | 50 | [deleted]: TIFU and slept next to my aunt.
so I went to my aunt's house and all is well, making cookies and watching banned cartoons from way back. This goes on for a few hours until she decides to go to sleep. I stay up watching The Vicious kind and then decide to go to sleep. I went to the guest bedroom where i usually sleep and and the air bed is deflated and I don't want to wake my aunt up by inflating it. I would've slept in the living room but the only thing that would kind of work was a couple of one seater couches. as a last resort i decide to creep into bed with my aunt, no problem I thought. We're both girls right? I finally fall asleep without any trouble besides the loud snoring coming from my aunt. All was fine until about four in the morning I'm awaken by moans from my aunt. I look over to see if she's okay and what do I see? I see my aunt shlicking in her sleep.
tldr; Went to aunt's house and as a last resort I sleep next to her and I'm fine until i'm awaken by my aunt moaning and shlicking in her sleep.
Marvster: yeah wtf is shlicking?
sagull: it's the female equivalent of fapping.
| 3 | 16.666667 | |
1388461802 | 1388483234 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | amplebooty: TIFU by pissing myself
It's around 9am at night and all my family are in bed or at work, perfect! House to myself. I decide to light a huge blunt in my room and just enjoy some kinks tunes. I invite a few friends round to partake when i feel the sudden urge to take a piss.
So i go outside and unleash a whole lot of fluid. No piss has ever felt that rewarding. It felt great, but for some reason i could feel the piss soaking my legs and boxers.
And then i opened my eyes and looked down in horror to see myself pissing the bed. That's right. I'm fucking 20 and haven't pissed the bed for 15 years. 15 happy years. In absolute horror I pour water over the piss patch, leave my room to get some bi carb soda and pray this doesn't come back to haunt me. My piss soaked boxers are hurled in the bin never to be seen again. Im hoping against hope i that this never leaves the room, or the internet.
electricK00Laid: Couldn't you just wash the boxers?
amplebooty: Not with a full house
elwray1989: How about a flush?
mindlessjohnny: I see what you did there... Have an upvote!
| 5 | 6.8 | |
1388454868 | 1388464610 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | 13loki: TIFU by drinking Robitussin
The New Year is coming and I came down with the colds which really sucks since I can't enjoy the usual festivities (food, beer, and whatnot) and I can't even train. So I wake up this morning with a very bad cough, that phlegm just won't go out! I have my breakfast, some Vitamin C tablets, a glass of fresh juice for my throat, and then I went and got comfortable for some reddit. But that cough, ugh! I don't usually drink treatment meds but this time it's just so bad, I went looking for some Robitussin (mind you, this was my gramp's place so I'm not familiar with where they keep their stuff). I was so sure I saw one on the shelf the other day so I went for it but it wasn't there, after looking around in desperation and wild coughing, I finally found it by the sink, got myself a spoonful and drank it right down. It tasted a bit weird, the taste was familiar but it doesn't taste like cough syrup at all. I read the label, lo and behold, I just drank a spoonful of Bactidol. My tummy's all rumbling right now but I'll probably live.
theangus: At least your coughing will smell better - BTW: Bactidol It is a local anesthetic, astringent and deodorant and has anti plaque effects - Wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hexetidine
LuxRex: "In Germany, hexetidine vaginal suppositories branded Vagi-Hex"... to leave a nice minty taste...
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1388470359 | 1388472758 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: Today, I fucked up. I lost my best friend, and my dreams.
Well reddit. Today I fucked up. I lost my best friend, my girl friend. My dreams. Everything.
I cheated on her a couple of months ago. I told her today. I fucked up. I put my greed before my love. I will suffer eternally. It's going to be -45°C soon and I'm sitting by her house. I walked here. I don't want any remorse. I just want to apologize. I'm not afraid of death, I'm afraid of losing love. I will not die tonight. But I will repent.
koyajguthrie: This is tifu not let's complain like a bitch
TheTrippyMane: YESSIR! OOH KILL EM!
| 3 | 1 | |
1388466712 | 1388543607 | null | t5_2to41 | 44 | [deleted]: TIFU by sidekicking my brother in the gut
I admit, I'm no Anderson Silva, but the damage I did today left me cringing and sorry. My brother recently broke his pelvis bone with the added detriment of a infected cyst where his back meets the butt. I was simply practicing my muay thai with the music blaring in my room. As I finish my last set of front kicks, I begin to feel like Chuck Norris and an undefeated monster. I close my eyes (mistake one) and turn 45 degrees in order to begin my side kick sets, and land a solid, full powered side kick past the plate of food my brother was bringing for me, into his gut, propelling him to the wall of my room. As his back and butt make contact with the wall, his cyst pops and his broken tailbone is jammed against a wall, ruining four weeks of recovery he'd just gone through. Off to the doctor he was rushed, leaving me to realize that I had certainly fucked up.
AskMeMyName: I'm an amateur mixed martial arts cage fighter and have a similar story!
A friend of mine and I were fighting about 12 weeks after a really bad car accident he had been in. We both kind of forgot he was hurt still and I threw a kick hard into his side. He attempted to block the kick but ended up breaking his hand, wrist, and hip because they were previously damaged. All of his recovery progress was down the toilet. He's fine now though.
TL:DR I kicked my recovering friend and broke him
BigBobsBootyBarn: "We both kind of forgot"
No, it sounds like you kind of forgot. Sounds like he was looking for a basic rolling session and you went full Chuck Norris.
AskMeMyName: He seemed really pumped about actually fighting again, so I figured he'd be fine lol
| 4 | 11 | |
1388507375 | 1388548553 | null | t5_2to41 | 167 | [deleted]: TIFU by pushing too hard
So here I am taking my morning shit browsing reddit when I feel a bit left that's gonna take some effort. I make a go for one last big push before I give in and leave it for later so that I can shower and get to work on time.
And then the fucking floodgates open. As I'm staring at r/all a spurt of blood gushes straight from my nose onto the screen of my month old Nexus 5.
And it doesn't. Fucking. Stop. I rush for the sink, leaving thick droplets in a 90 degree arc from the toilet instantly soaking through any wad of toilet paper I bunch up and stuff on my face.
Thick streams of blood come steadily dripping out of my nose faster than it can apparently clot up there.
Now, it's been about fifteen minutes since it started, with no sign of letting up. I've typed this up entirely on my phone over the sink.
On the plus side, I got that last bit of shit out.
EDIT: the Nexus is fine. Wiped off some gross dried blood.
Only got to wipe after the ordeal and I was pretty much clean down there.
Also, yes, the first thing I thought of after "holy shit what the fuck is happening" was "this is so fucked it needs to go on reddit"
EDIT 2: Just a [sink of blood](http://imgur.com/VO5FOqI). And this was just the beginning - I emptied the sink out a couple times before i realised how futile it was. It dripped for another fifteen minutes after that.
DickMcLongCock: I was expecting a much worse outcome from pushing too hard...
Necoras: Same. I remember a thread a while back where a guy was constipated for a month and then pooped out his rectum. Was totally expecting that here.
Pringle_Printer: Can I have a link?
For experimental purposes.
Edit: Pur'poo'ses Hue
Necoras: You really expect me to try and use reddit's search with terms like "poop," "constipated," or "rectum?" You're a beaver man than I.
gerrettheferrett: >You're a beaver man than I.
This is my new favorite typo.
| 6 | 27.833333 | |
1388520902 | 1388591450 | null | t5_2to41 | 41 | HAL__Over__9000: TIFU by not completing a college apllication
So I was applying to MIT, and while I'm smart I'm not the best at seeing everything and can be absent minded. So I just realized that I haven't completed the requited SAT subject tests. It cost $80 to apply to MIT and I have spent hours on the many essays required. Now that may be all flushed down the fucking toilet. There may be way out of this, I can still take the tests, but they'll cost $78 and my mom won't pay for them. *sigh* Today has off to a pretty fucking terrible start. I also misinterpreted an essay for another college so now I have to rewrite that fucking thing. Fuck my life.
l3urning: Advice on which subject tests to take. If you did AP Calc, AP Bio, and AP Chem, the corresponding subject tests are cake (some random stuff in chem you need to know). 800-780-800 easy. And you should definitely take Math II for MIT
HAL__Over__9000: They said they had no preference, and I feel a little more comfortable with Math 1 judging by the practice questions (although I am in BC calc) whatever. I'm in AP Chem and I'm doing well, so hopefully I'll do well on that subject test.
l3urning: If you're uncomfortable with Math II, don't go to MIT LOL
HAL__Over__9000: I'm more comfortable with Math I for the subject test. But after I finish BC Calc and whatnot I'll feel better. But I'm pretty good at math so I'll be okay.
ASVP_NARWAL: BC Calc has nothing to do with Math II though.
HAL__Over__9000: My point was BC Calc will prepare me for MIT.
l3urning: That is called a delusion of grandeur. Literally I'm doing an extremely high tier math track at a state university and it is extremely hard. You will be eaten alive at MIT if BC Calc even remotely hard for you. Also aside from that you should know math outside of just BC Calc. If you don't know what the AMC or ARML is you shouldnt really be applying.
HAL__Over__9000: I do fairly well in BC Calc, its hard, but I usually get it after awhile, and even if I don't I'm not afraid to ask for help. If I were to be one of the 8% of people accepted to MIT and I can afford to go, I'll probably have a tough time, but life isn't supposed to be easy. All I was trying to say was I felt more comfortable with the Math I than Math II, so I'd take that for the SAT subject test, meanwhile BC Calc would help prepare me for the higher level math classes at MIT, if I even get accepted. I'm sorry for not being clear and I hope this clears things up.
| 9 | 4.555556 | |
1388521520 | 1388551255 | null | t5_2to41 | 463 | Ouijynn: TIFU by using the rear window defroster.
Technically yesterday but whatever. So I got up to go to work on a frigid wisconsin morning, yesterday being particularly brutal. Go out and start the car. Do all the normal cold winter climate stuff, defroster, scrape the windows, let the car warm up. Went through my relatively uneventful monday morning drive to work. Okay, not a bad start to the week, maybe this week will go okay considering all the stuff that has to get done. I work with a couple guys who have muscular dystrophy so I wouldn't always call what I do work per say. Shift goes normally, my relief shows up. Still pretty damn cold out so let's go warm up the car again for my drive back across town right? Get outside and notice the clear patch on the rear window is probably the clearest I've ever seen her windows (used to smoke in the car). Get a little closer as I walk down the driveway and something doesn't seem right... That window patch is a little *too* clear... Take two more steps before realizing that there is a gaping hole in the back window. Fuck. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe it's just really clear, right? Nope. Apparently it was cold enough when I parked that the rapid cooling of the glass in the back window shattered the entire thing. Now there's glass all over the back seat and up by the back window. On top of everything else, in the process of clearing out the rest of the glass from the window to put some plastic over it my relief ended up cutting his wrist on the jagged edge of the window remains. Such a great way to start the week.
021fluff5: Just as a heads-up: Don't immediately turn on your defroster when you first get into your car on a cold day. Turn on your car's heater and scrape the windows first. Once the interior of your car is warmed up, *then* turn on the defroster.
Ouijynn: Solid advice. The problem I encountered actually came up because of the rapid cooling of the rear window after I had turned the car off and gone inside. Without taking time to gradually cool the inside of the car (which would have made me late for work) it was just going to happen as I don't have access to any parking that isn't on the street. If it had happened when heating the car this would be a totally different story about me shitting my pants as it broke going down the street. Most of the problem came from having to keep it on during my drive because her windows fog up in the worst way imaginable due to having years of smoking going on inside the car. Funny that I had been telling her we need to clean the car windows thoroughly when it warms a little to prevent them from fogging/frosting up like that.
AdamJacobMuller: Exactly how cold did it have to be to do that?
I've never been to wisconsin but seriously, if you need to cool the inside of your car when you park, that's some next-level stuff. Maybe there are some places where people just aren't meant to live. You guys have really good cheese though, so I'd miss that.
drlandspider: Yesterday was, in my area -15 when I woke up...at noon.
AdamJacobMuller: if it was -15 here, i'd probably stay in bed too.
drlandspider: Yea...I didn't do much yesterday
MrRedSeedless: -15F? That's pretty cold if there was any sort of wind. I haven't had problems yet with immediately turning on the rear window defroster in my car at -35C to -40C all the way to 0C.
RisuMiso: Wind chill doesn't apply to inanimate objects.
That said I also live where it gets to be -40 C and have also never had problems with turning on defrost at anytime.
sarge21: >Wind chill doesn't apply to inanimate objects.
Wind chill will cause things to cool down faster. Although I've also never seen this happen. I have seen people smash out windows though, which is probably what happened.
RisuMiso: It will due to convection, but it won't cause it to shatter. Most likely a fault in the glass.
Wind chill is a temperature reading as to what it would feel like for humans at a certain temperature due to wind (convection). If it is -40 but -50 with wind chill it is still -40 to the car. The heat transfer coefficients of metals are far greater than water(humans).
| 11 | 42.090909 | |
1388529689 | 1388706513 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | Terran_Sovereignty: TIFU by playing with broken glass
I dropped a glass measuring cup on on the ground and it shattered. I cleaned it all up and I noticed one of the pieces had a large sharp edge to it. Naturally, I started cutting things with it, seeing how sharp it was, and it worked very well. Anyway, I was cutting things and I picked up a piece of cardboard that I thought it would have trouble cutting through (and it did), and I cut a little too forcefully. My hand jerked past the cardboard, and the glass cut a huge part of my finger. It cut through the wrinkly part covering my upper knuckle on my index finger like butter. Pretty fucking scary. I put pressure on the part that was cut, hoping to prevent the bleeding, and ran to get a band-aid. The band-aid was filled up with blood too quickly so I had to cut the circulation to my finger using my earphone cord. I've had the band-aid on for a few hours, it stopped bleeding a while ago. I hope there isn't too much scarring...
TL;DR: I fucked around with broken glass and cut a huge chunk out of my finger
Goingdef: You cut on top of the finger? You might want to see a doctor I ran a bandsaw blade into the center of my knuckle and cut the tendon in there you might have cut it partially in which case they will need to fix it or you can live out the rest of your life like me waiting for it to snap and shoot up your arm.
aliasforgotten: Barf.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1388536845 | 1388538214 | t3_1u4nuz | t5_2to41 | 59 | TheWierdSide: Presenting the first fuck up of 2014...... TIFU by ruining new years dinner.
Today me, my Mom and my aunt spent the whole day in the kitchen preparing dinner. We started at 11am and finished at 11pm. The table was set, our family arrived and we were gonna have a traditional family meal as the clock struck midnight and we entered 2014 . there was so much food.... Roast beef, a whole honey roasted ham, spring rolls, noodles, beef strips, steamed dumplings, carbonara pasta.... Etc.
[11:55pm the table beautifully set. T-minus 5 minutes and 5 seconds before disaster struck.](http://imgur.com/kr5h3dd)
A few Minutes before midnight, I handed out these [confetti poppers](http://imgur.com/qMqjCpo). To be popped when the clock struck 12.
Well in the first 5 seconds of 2014...I managed to pop the confetti all over the food we all slaved over...... There was a moment of pure silence as everyone watched in horror as the confetti rain slowly descended towards the food.... Everyone else had the foresight to point their poppers **away** from the food.
I was fumbling with it, trying to figure out how to make it pop. When all of a sudden, BOOM.
TL;DR I confetti-jizzed all over our new years dinner...
Alternate TL;DR my family is most likely going to shit glitter for a couple of days........
[Some of the confetti.](http://imgur.com/U9iGKzi)
IRideVelociraptors: Still New Years Eve here for quite a while.
TheWierdSide: On your end. How's it like living in the past?
IRideVelociraptors: Great, I have an extra 7 hours to celebrate!
TheWierdSide: Yeeehawww
| 5 | 11.8 | |
1388537877 | 1388557063 | t3_1u4p53 | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: ITFU by rolling my friends four wheeler...
I was riding up to open my friends front gate (he lives on a fairly large ranch) and I was pulling up and I hit a rock. The four wheeler tarted to roll. I jumped and right after, it began to roll.
Luckily I only hurt my arm and got a few scrapes and bruises, the four wheeler wasn't it messed up. Except for the alignment of one of the back wheels, and the digital screen was messed up. Overall the ATV still works, and I'm fine, but I still fucked up and feel bad.
Edit: Changed LCD to digital..
lemonreddit: by spelling TIFU wrong?
Mr_Quack: I'm sorry.. I'm sorry. I'm dyslexic!
lemonreddit: No need to be sorry, I was just being funny. I do that type of thing all the time, I usually never notice a misspelling until AFTER I have hit SEND or POST...hahaha
Mr_Quack: It's all good. It's reddit, so I expect nothing less! Haha
mindlessjohnny: Or you just meant "I totally fucked up...".
Mr_Quack: Yup I'll go with "Totally fucked up"
| 7 | 3.428571 | |
1388535287 | 1388610986 | t3_1u4lx5 | t5_2to41 | 1,481 | [deleted]: TIFU by choosing the internet over sleep
For the past two weeks I've been going to bed around 1:30 - 2:00 am every night and waking up to work at 5. Today I felt especially tired so I decided I'd take a quick nap when I got home before heading out to the New Year's Eve celebrations.
I get home and decide to check Facebook before I head off to bed. One thing leads to another and I'm rubbing out a quickie with a roll of tissue paper next to me. I finish. I wipe up. But before throwing away the tissue papers of shame, I decide to check the HumbleBundles deals. I doze off reading the summaries of games whilst covered in cum-filled tissues.
Next thing I know, I'm waking up to my parents and one of my brothers who've come to wish me a Happy New Years (great idea giving them a key to my place).
TL;DR Family walks in on me with my junk out, covered in fap naps, sleeping
UPDATE EDIT: Hey, surprisingly it wasn't that big a deal, I think. They congratulated me on the new year and then got the fuck out of there. I don't know what it'll be like next time I see them but I'm pretty sure we'll be laughing about it a few years down the road. So all's good. Happy New Year, everybody!
awesomeoet: HAPPY NEW YEAR!
ENTimate: >Fappy New Year!
awesomeoet: Damn it! How did I miss that faportunity?
Dr_Drea: You'll have to be fapster next time!
bigboypants26: You're being a fapstard about this.
Cougs67: Masturbation
Marc_Vesper: *clapping ( sounds )*
MostEpicRedditor: Clopping
| 9 | 164.555556 | |
1388546239 | 1388617442 | t3_1u4ye0 | t5_2to41 | 784 | [deleted]: TIFU by pleasuring myself.
So to begin, my wife just gave birth to our first child on Thursday. As such, since the rigors of childbirth created an apocalypse on her vagina, I haven't gotten any since the day she went into labor. Now, normally in the absence of getting any, I would just browse xhamster or some other site and take care of my self. However, since my newborn son seems to be bent on not letting me sleep, I haven't really had any time or energy to take part in such activities.
As we finally have gotten him into somewhat of a routine after a week where I can get two hours of uninterrupted sleep at a time, I was feeling fairly chipper and decided to attend to some long overdue business. I go into our bathroom and proceed to pop open a video on my computer and go to town. As I'm finishing, this is where things go from great to horrible in a split second. As I reach my climax I close my eyes and open my mouth in a moment of pure ecstasy. However, in my exhausted state I forgot one key rule: Never point a loaded weapon at anything you aren't willing to destroy.
A weeks worth of fresh man gravy goes rocketing straight into my open mouth, causing me to gag violently as my cream-of-cock blasts straight into the back of my throat.
Needless to say I'm feeling pretty grossed out, and since I'm up anyways with my son right now I figured I'd share my story with you all.
tl;dr: Didn't spank it for a week, caught a mouthful of my own blend of herbs and spices.
Edit : I a word or two.
kcgdot: If that's enough to make you gag, you're going to have a hell of a time raising a child.
Illpackallama: It was more the fact that it hit me in the back of my throat. Pee and poop all over me don't phase me in the slightest, I've deployed to Afghanistan and was a plumber for many years, pee and poop is the least of what I've been through. There's something about the idea of my own spunk being almost ingested that throws my normal composure for a loop though.
nerdheroine: And yet men expect us to swallow. SMH.
Shebazz: This particular man doesn't necessarily expect you to swallow. Most of us don't expect you to swallow, we just think it's hot when you do. But hey, generalizations about all men are cool too
jjgonya: What else am I supposed to do with it though? I want the satisfaction of knowing I made you cum so your dick's already in my mouth when you release and it seems a little weird to spit it back out.... So... Any suggestions?
neko_loliighoul: Usually I get the guy to cum on me instead of in my mouth, which I find really hot so it's win win
Bad_Motha_Fucka: You're a keeper, especially if you're willing to take it on the face like a champ.
neko_loliighoul: Haha. Thanks I guess. I'm ok with it on the face but my boyfriend doesn't like doing that as he thinks it's degrading and I prefer it on my tits anyway.
| 9 | 87.111111 | |
1388545662 | 1388577169 | t3_1u4xus | t5_2to41 | 19 | trevonator126: TIFU By using hoverzoom.
This is pretty short, especially compared to how long these posts usually are, but I want to share my fuck-up. This just happened about ten minutes ago. I was helping my stepdad and his friend measure the wall because we want to swap places for the entertainment center and the office. That was when I heard my step-dad say, "Huh, Trevon? Looking at some porn, are you?" My mouse was over a post from confused boners of a mime getting fucked doggy style. I went and moved my mouse really quick and quickly stated, "It was a popup!" Oh yeah, I forgot to mention his friend is a girl. So yeah, it was super awkward.
BreakfastWithReddit: You should not use hoverzoom anymore. It was recently found to contain malware that collects analytics. Delete it from chrome and change your passwords.
trevonator126: Thanks for the advice, but I like it so much.
mattsheckatight: There's an alternative one that's exactly the same but with no malware. I'm on my mobile now, so I can't link it now. I can when I get to my actual computer though.
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1388556697 | 1388598138 | t3_1u5805 | t5_2to41 | 88 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving my car running while I ran into the store.
Never again will I leave my car running and get out of it, even if I am getting out of it for just 30 seconds. I did that 2 hours ago at a convenience store where the parking spot I was in was 10 feet from the counter. There was a guy outside minding his own business, smoking a cig, and there were 2 other people hanging out at the other end of the parking lot. I was in and out of the store. The guy I walked past when I went in to the store waited until I was coming out, ran past me, and jumped into my car. He then peeled backwards to leave in it. I freaked out and instinctively ran to stop him from leaving by blocking his way, which the 2 other people who were outside watching tried to do, too. He floored backwards to find another way out, realized there wasn't one, and then just floored it forward at all 3 of us and blew past us, barely missing me and this other guy. He drove over a concrete ledge, squealed the tires, and peeled off down the road onto the expressway. I called the cops. He made it to the next city over before he got caught, all in about 15-20 minutes. He turned out to be a guy who had gotten released from a 3-year prison sentence less than a month ago for beating the shit out of his girlfriend. He had just gotten kicked out of that same girl's house by the police tonight, before wandering to the store to hang out in front of it. Me thinking he was just some guy minding his business was wrong. Me thinking he would have stopped if I blocked his way was wrong. He was obviously someone with nothing to lose and someone who had no problems with hurting women. He immediately was spotted by a police officer because he never turned on the headlights when he stole the shit. Instead of stopping, he decided to lead that officer on a 95mph chase down a busy road, where he almost took out 3 cars of people. Instead, he swerved and took out 3 phone poles and also completely totaled the shit out of my car. The cops pulled him out unscratched and he was wasted off of vodka. So, all in all- I am really dumb for leaving my car (which was bought brand new and still looked brand new) running. I am glad no one was hurt (even the dumbass who stole my ride, because maybe Jesus still loves him or something) Aaaand- considering I was going to be staying in tonight to try and stay low key and be responsible.... this is the first time in my life I can say I would have been better off if I had just gone out tonight.
Poebbel: You, ~~sir~~ ma'am, are an idiot.
CrumbsInMyBed: I'm a girl :(
gg249: You, woman, are an idiot.
ps. you never explained WHY you left your car unlocked and running. at least you actually remembered to put it in park before you got out
damn
| 4 | 22 | |
1388584454 | 1388632966 | t3_1u5ogt | t5_2to41 | 1,561 | [deleted]: TIFU by not waking my wife up for new years.
So she fell asleep after starting to watch 3:10 to Yuma (one if my favorite movies but she hates almost everything I watch) with me at about 9:30 pm. Our son who is 5 is upstairs watching cartoons and playing his Nintendo 3ds he got for Christmas. I assumed he had fallen asleep too because usually when he's awake he's making a ton of noise. So I didn't bother to wake either of them up for the countdown. Maybe I'm selfish but I just don't consider New Year's to be that big of a deal. Anyhow, as if she was planning it she wakes up at 12:01 and realizes I didn't wake them up and proceeds to scream at me for 20 minutes about how I'm such a selfish ass hole. I wanna know what your guys think. Was that selfish of me? Was she overreacting?
Update: She's still yelling at me even after I went a got donuts and ingredients so I can make a nice breakfast. Oh yeah and apparently I ruined the entire year for her and my son too.
Update 2: I admit that I fucked up that's why I put this here on TIFU. She didn't straight up ask me to wake her up before she fell asleep. But I admit I did fuck up because her family celebrates literally EVERY holiday. While my family barely even does Christmas or Thanksgiving. Also my son was awake upstairs I just assumed he fell asleep because he hadn't made a peep for 3 hours. I'm not looking for sympathy for what I did (or failed to do) but I was looking for some validation that she was way over the top mean about it. It seems like Reddit agrees with me.
le_mous: I.. Think it sounds like you have larger problems afoot in that relationship.
sand_shoes: Agreed. New Years really isn't a big deal. Is have an honest talk with her about what really made her react that way. There's definitely something underlying.
Edit: I realize now I was speaking for myself when I said it's not a big deal. That being said, I've never spent 20 minutes screaming at my husband over anything, let alone something like this that wasn't malicious.
One more edit: I guess a good way to look at this is how she's acted about new years for as long as OP has known her. OP had a 5 year old with his wife, so I'll assume they've been together at least 5 years. Has she made a big deal out of new years before? If so, OP should have woken her up. If not, she overreacted.
RainbowZebraGum: Um New Years is a big deal. It might not be to you but it is to other people.
cat_penis: >It might not be to you but it is to other people.
Maybe you could try applying the logic from this sentence to
>Um New Years is a big deal
this sentence.
RainbowZebraGum: I think it's pretty dismissive to say that it's not a big deal as it is the most widely and largest celebration in the world. If you don't care about it, that's your prerogative but it's very big deal to a huge amount of the world.
cat_penis: You're still missing the point and you can't say with that level of certainty that most of the world thinks it's a huge deal. According to your logic because the united states considers it a holiday then everyone in the us considers it a "huge deal" and that obviously isn't the case. For most people it's just an excuse to party not because they attach some huge significance to the last digit of the calendar date changing by one increment.
RainbowZebraGum: I think I can say with certainty that it is a big deal to the rest of the world. It's a 4000 year old celebration that almost every culture in the world has a form of celebration for. It is a big deal. Your preference for celebrating or thinking it matters is separate. Everyone has their own ideas about things but even if you don't like history you can say that WWII was a big deal or if you don't care for gardens you can still recognize that the Tuileries are a big deal.
tanyax14: I think you can separate something being a big deal on a social/cultural level and on a personal, day-to-day level. Just because WWII was a big deal in historical terms doesn't mean it has an impactful, personal meaning in everyone's lives (of course it does for some people). The other poster(s) seem to be saying that, for many people, New Years isn't such an emotional day for it to warrant screaming at your husband for 20 minutes - not criticising it's legitimacy as an important holiday.
RainbowZebraGum: I was never actually commenting on his wife's actions. Just on the claim that, as a whole, New Years is not a big deal. It has a lot of cultural and historical influence and means a lot to a lot of people. His wife probably did act irrationally but it's not fair to her to just claim that the holiday doesn't really matter so she shouldn't be upset about missing it.
| 10 | 156.1 | |
1388586717 | 1388618041 | t3_1u5pxq | t5_2to41 | 111 | Windycitypoet: TIFU by lying to get a day off at work
So I had a high anxiety attack (always been like this for me, I take medication for it) after having worked 4 shifts in a row, all 12 hours. I was scheduled for the next day and it was 1am, I hadn't slept yet and couldn't calm down. I knew I needed a day off but was due in at 7am.
So what did I do? lied like a scumbag. I told my scheduler that my apartment was broken into. The next day my big boss calls me to offer me phone numbers and counselling. My supervisor at work (whom I never work with) gave me a really strange, disbelieving face but didnt question it; which is accurate because i lied.
I could lose my job because obviously the story is not in the news and I've told people i just dont want to talk about it. Before now i've had a perfext record and a great reputation, and I fucked it. I'm afraid itll somehow be revealed it never happened, and I'm afraid my girlfriend will find out about it; all because i panicked and lied.
Jill4ChrisRed: no offense but you could have said you were very very sick and just couldn't make it in? :( wish you luck dude, that really sucks.
Windycitypoet: I work in security fulltime... because I have a set position they don't allow sick days unless you can switch with someone or you're in the hospital, and i knew i couldn't find anyone. I was afraid that if I called in using my mental illness, my credibility would be shot. Clearly that was the wrong choixe. if you don't show because of sickness they ding your file, at least that's what I was told. I feel so stupid. I think I'm going to tell my girlfriend and see what she says about it. I'm never going to lie again
Zarula: I would ask your employer about sick days rather than just going off what someone else has said so you don't feel this pressure again when you ARE sick. Being sick and in security can be a horrible mix and I hope your employer recognizes that.
Windycitypoet: especially since I work in healthcare... I think our union protects us from being forced into work while sick, but most times it ends up fucking the previous guard into a 16 hour shift (which I've done a lot of). I guess the whole thing I learned from this experience is to not be so afraid of admitting to having problems with a mental illness. I'm going to talk to my supervisors tonight and see if I can't sort it out.
| 5 | 22.2 | |
1388599252 | 1388611000 | t3_1u61zx | t5_2to41 | 93 | [deleted]: Does anyone know why there isn't a FUOTY this time?
It was there last year. Any reason why it didn't happen now?
lostdeceiver: Mods are too busy or something.
Riffler: Or they fucked up.
[deleted]: Maybe they forgot?
Cougs67: Forgetting is a fuck up
[deleted]: Especially when it's such a prestigious award they could have forgotten about.
| 6 | 15.5 | |
1388598668 | 1388643520 | t3_1u619a | t5_2to41 | 1,389 | [deleted]: TIFU by picking the wrong time and place...
(Actually happened just before Christmas) So I'm at my family's cottage along with close to twenty other family members. Can't sleep, want to fap to help tempt slumber, but there's fam sleeping in almost every room. BUT, my brother went into town to visit an old army buddy, and everyone expected him to spend the night at said friend's. I creep into his room, position my laptop screen away from the door just in case, and pull up some nice dp action. I go at it. Just as I'm about to go, lo and behold! - there is my brother, tapping at the window behind me for me to let him in. I try in vain to stem the tide - too late. I mortified-cum as he looks in and sees his little sister watching hardcore porn in his room with her hand down her pants. I cannot fathom what kind of freak he thinks I am now. Didn't make eye contact for a while after that.
TLDR: Got caught jerking off to hardcore porn by brother - in his room - and couldn't stop the imminent orgasm.
Edit: Just realized I received a Fuck-Up of the Week... I am both mortified and honored! And also still a girl.
shmehdit: > looks in and sees his little *sister*
Wasn't expecting that.
throw_away_obv: I feel like it *is* a guy, and he changed his gender to try to disguise the story just in case his brother found it.
>Can't sleep, want to fap to help tempt slumber, but there's fam sleeping in almost every room
-
>I try in vain to stem the tide
-
>I mortified-cum as he looks in
-
>Got caught jerking off
Fap and jerking off are both male references to masturbation. I don't know that any woman uses masturbation to make her sleepy...?? Family sleeping in the room is honestly not an issue, male masturbation is referred to fapping for a reason, female masturbation can easily be totally silent depending how she masturbates. Also, many women don't need/use porn to masturbate. It seems to be almost expected for a male "fap sesh" but while some women do enjoy looking at porn, it's generally an additional step rather than truly needed/wanted. I honestly cannot picture a woman *needing* to go set up some porn, despite family being around, in order to get off.
Also, the way they're describing how they cum is very masculine. Females don't have a tide to stem per se. While a male would obviously be helpless while his dick is spewing ejaculate, a female would not have this problem.
TLDR it reads like it was written by a man, none of this sounds anything like female masturbation, it's all very masculine. I could be wrong, but that doesn't change how masculine this was written regardless.
**edit:** For some reason everyone is assuming I'm a man. Sorry but no, I'm a woman and I know for a fact that vagina's do not fap, but I *am* envisioning your vag's flapping away at the keyboard in insane anger at the fact that I'm "a man" oppressing women by pointing out fapping and jerking off are sounds and motions that occur during male masturbation.
xilpaxim: You're an idiot and have never had sex with a woman if you think women don't get sleepy after orgasm.
throw_away_obv: You're right, I've never had sex with a woman because I'm not a lesbian.
Guess who's the real idiot.
xilpaxim: You since you've never had an orgasm apparently.
throw_away_obv: >“A man’s body chemistry changes after orgasm. The biochemical prolactin is released, physically altering his body and making him very tired,” says Dr. David McKenzie, a sex therapist in Vancouver, Canada.
Orgasms are different for women and men. Sex is known for making men very tired, and there's a stereotype they always fall asleep immediately after. The same is not true for women. Omg!!! Men and women's physiology are... different....!!!
xilpaxim: Well OP is a girl. And she does. I am a man, and I don't.
throw_away_obv: Nice to see anecdotal evidence of a sample size of 2 disproves all scientific studies.
xilpaxim: Quoting one guy isn't all scientific studies either.
| 10 | 138.9 | |
1388613347 | 1388633849 | t3_1u6l93 | t5_2to41 | 6 | NYEstupidity: TIFU (actually last night) by going to 3rd base with a sketchy stoner dude.
I'm 17. My parents are out of town so last night I had a small party at my house. We had champagne and vodka. So that's already rather stupid. But of course I couldn't stop there. My friend's boyfriend brought his 20 year old stoner friend along. He was sketchy and kind of a loser but seemed harmless. He brought weed and I smoked for the first time with him and some of my other friends. We all sat on my couch watching a movie. All but one of my friends was there as a couple, and as the movie went on they left the room to go make out. And combined with being drunk and high I started cuddling with stoner dude, and that became making out, and eventually we went to a bedroom and he fingered me and ate me out. He kept saying he didnt want me to do something I'd regret. As it turns out, he was really, really bad at everything and eventually I went back downstairs. I didn't regret it because of how far we went, but more because it wasn't even a fun experience. I talked to my friend in the morning and was pretty okay with it but then stoner guy told my friend's boyfriend everything and it really freaked me out. The boyfriend goes to a different school so I don't think it'll get out, and he's an alright guy, but I still can't shake the thought of it. I feel so pathetic.
TL;DR: Went too far with a guy I just met; now he told a mutual friend and I feel really overwhelmed.
LuxRex: I mostly feel sorry for you that he was really bad. The rest is just childish shenanigans that you will laugh at once you get older...
NYEstupidity: Thanks. That helped a lot.
| 3 | 2 | |
1388622014 | 1388804638 | t3_1u6wvd | t5_2to41 | 253 | JustCallMeCally: TIFU by destroying a girls confidence
So i was at a party with a bunch of friends. Most of whom are girls and with a couple of dudes. we were all in the living room watching tv but not really listening and just generally having a good time. all was good. Until one of the girls struck up a conversation about this girl who was a complete slut and thought she could get all the guys. She had also mentioned that she was only an A in bra sizes. they all giggled while my guy friend said "whats an A?". at this point i decided to take advantage of this and try and make a funny moment for us all to laugh at. without thinking, i replied with "its basically just nipples". he laughed. nobody else did. the girl sitting beside me (who happened to be my ex) has a very small bra size and is extremely self conscious about how shes not as big as most girls. in the corner of my eye i saw her face. she was so embarrassed. i was too. the room went silent as i played games on my phone. eventually she walked out and im pretty sure at that moment she cried. i sat for the rest of the night embarrassed and feeling like the biggest penis on the planet.
crashgold: I have small boobs and I think that's a funny joke.
I think most flat chested jokes are funny actually.
whatglasses5: I've been called a "sexy ironing board" before. Yeah, I dunno.
CaptainBenza: I have the weirdest boner...
KennyFulgencio: is it shaped like an iron
Dustorn: ಠ_ಠ
| 6 | 42.166667 | |
1388626624 | 1388806111 | t3_1u7348 | t5_2to41 | 11 | AuctionSniper: TIFU by deleting the wrong account
Actually, it was a few minutes ago. I was trying to fix my aunt's computer because it automatically logged off when you signed on. After figuring out/solving the problem (which took an hour), I made a new account (the new account had the same name as the old account, except it had a period at the end). I backed up the files and deleted the account. Everything is good, right? Wrong. Turns out, I backed up the files on the NEW account, and all I have is an empty folder on my desktop. And no, there is no system restore point. I guess I should've backed up the files to my USB stick like my head told me.
Update: I was able to restore some of the files, thankfully.
EatAllTheWaffles: What was the initial problem/fix?
AuctionSniper: Local Disk > Users > Name > Documents.
I'm not sure if ALL of the files were in the Documents, but they were there, obviously.
EatAllTheWaffles: No I mean this:
>automatically logged off when you signed on.
What was going on?
AuctionSniper: As soon as you logged on, it instantly logged off. It was pretty much impossible to "fully" sign in, unless you entered Safe Mode. Deleting the account fixed the problem.
Example of what I'm talking about: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tmqfGIrFz3s
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1388630562 | 1388706946 | t3_1u78im | t5_2to41 | 87 | poopiedoo7: TIFU by internet stalking a guy I like and then accidentally telling him about it
I recently met this dude online, met up in person and had a great time. A sexy great time! Anyways...due to natural curiosity and living in the digital age, I decided to do a little google search and further check him out. Turns out he has quite a few youtube videos out there that are hilarious. I decided to text my best friend and tell her about it...only since he was the last person to text me and I'm new to the whole smartphone thing, I texted him instead...about himself...I am mortified.
bohica_: I feel ya. Pretty awkward.
But since he is a guy he won't mind that you staked him, I think, since you have met already and had a "great time".
I guess it depends on what you said too...what did you say in the text?
poopiedoo7: I just told my friend to check out a funny video he made that was on youtube. It wasn't anything crazy. I just really hope he doesn't see me as some psycho stalker chick. It would be totally understandable though if he did.
bohica_: You're fine. He liked it.
Did he text you back?
poopiedoo7: He did. He said it wasn't a big deal and joked about it. I was hoping he meant it and wasn't just being nice. Thanks!
zooloo10: Almost 100% of the time When a guys say something they aren't playing mind games or lying for the most part especially when taking to someone they really like. so you'll be fine.
source: am male, have male friends, all talk to females.
poopiedoo7: Excellent! Man, all of the responses I've gotten about this have been great. It has made me feel much better about the situation. Thank you!
zooloo10: No problem, I make youtube videos for my own pleasure and if a special lady found them hilarious I would honestly be ecstatic. Best of luck to the two of you.
| 8 | 10.875 | |
1388631740 | 1388854419 | t3_1u7a4q | t5_2to41 | 44 | [deleted]: UPDATE: TIFU by applying too much pressure to my butt bandages
Previous thread: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1u39zd/tifu_by_not_realizing_how_big_my_butt_got/
image of my butt from yesterday's post:
http://i.imgur.com/VfkRybJ.jpg
I guess I fell asleep on my side, and the bandages have also done damage, along with the initial damage to my buttcheek.
http://imgur.com/EKMLHW9
lostdeceiver: That butt still looks great though.
[deleted]: 10/10 would stare
Edit: had no idea OP was a guy. At least I had already finished my fap session before this pic or I would feel WAY more homo than I do now.
Ladysmanthatgetsnone: You fapped to mans injured but, how do you feel?
Who the hell puts a photo of their but on reddit?
[deleted]: I thought I had made it [clear](http://i.imgur.com/DLW9rQS.jpg) that I already finished before I saw his *BUTT.*
| 5 | 8.8 | |
1388644416 | 1388707516 | t3_1u7p9g | t5_2to41 | 2,961 | ZipZapYow: TIFU by being a cheap, horny motherfucker. NSFW
EDIT: I am a 19 yr/o chick If anyone's confused.
So here's the story:
(Tonight) I fucked up. So as of this past week, it seemed that the gods bestowed unto me the gift/curse of having the libido of a 14 year old boy ogling at fake Emma Watson nudes. Normally, I'm as horny as a 23 year old man watching Susan Boyle giving Margaret Thatcher a lap dance.
Anyway, I have a special electric toothbrush friend that I'd been using at least three times a day. Tonight special electric toothbrush friend started weakening, so I tried to replace the battery. Apparently it was a one time deal with the toothbrush, but I tried replacing it anyway. Alas, after testing it out multiple times to see if it **would** work again, it didn't. The only time it would work was if I was holding the metal thingy to the battery. I tried looking for electrical tape, but could only a little bit of duct tape. *Finally*, it worked! So, I headed to the bathroom, ran the sink, and played patty-cake with Mrs. Muffin until I heard a ZIP POP and felt one of the worst thing since slamming fingers in car doors. Yes, I electrocuted my clit. Immediately with the feeling of shock and betrayal, I threw my not-so-special electric toothbrush enemy into the trash, cradling and trying to console poor little Mrs. Muffin. It's all better now, but I'm cringe/laugh/crying still at the thought if it.
TL;DR: How to make popcorn chicken.
friedjumboshrimp: Your comparison to males is confusing, I thought you were a dude up until the word 'clit'. Invest in the Hitachi Magic Wand, you will not be disappointed .
ZipZapYow: Sorry, I suck at comparisons. But yeah, I would totally would if I had the money and wasn't still living in a small apartment with parents and baby sister who goes through everything.
CompGrl323: Get a bullet vibrator. They're inexpensive and small, so they're easy to hide.
[deleted]: I keep mine in my makeup case! No one but me has reason to be in there...
weirdfb: Baby Sister. Girl. Makeup.
IAmGerino: A locked metal box? I mean, I never had any contraband to hide, but I guess a solid steel says GTFO quite well.
moongnawer: Or "Open me! Cool stuff inside!"
Soccadude123: Skyrim logic
ihazcheese: Skyrim is the only game with lootable things in it.
Soccadude123: Clearly you've never played Border Lands
mouser42: Or Fallout.
| 12 | 246.75 | |
1388645416 | 1388666559 | t3_1u7q99 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: Tifu by possibly getting my gf pregnant our first time
Actually this past weekend, but whatever. Our first time having sex for both of us was last weekend, no condom. I have good control, I never came inside her. However, we had sex three seperate times within 2 hours. Never with a condom. Didn't think anything of it until remembering about the little guys still being active and on/in my penis. Compounding this chance of pregnancy, she informs me that this would have been the worst possible time during her cycle. We are both teens, I'm soon leaving for college, she still in high school. Fucked up. Odds aren't I'm my favor. I'm an unlucky person.
robbo101: you know that you don't have to finish to get her pregnant right?
alpineliam: He clearly doesn't, OP [read this](http://kidshealth.org/teen/expert/sex_health/ejaculate.html).
> Pulling out isn't a reliable form of birth control.
Stop it. Don't get a girl pregnant just because you want to know what it really feels like. There are lots of forms of contraception that allow you to not use condoms. I hope for both of your sakes that she isn't pregnant and you genuinely learnt your lesson here.
| 3 | 1.666667 |
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