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1388671985 | 1388674083 | t3_1u8ab4 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU By trying to make a girl cheat on her BF
Well guys, I really fucked up. I was in my friends house celebrating new years and I though it would be a good idea to have a little flirt with this girl. The thing is I knew she had a boyfriend and that they were really happy together, but I being my retarded self decided to try a little "stunt". So we were messing around as friends do but then I took it to the next level and started feeling her up a bit. The thing is I wasn't even drinking, so I was completely sober at this time. I just got caught up in the moment and kept on doing it. After a couple minutes she stood up and left and I realized I totally fucked up. I was great friends with her and all her friends before this and now they all hate me. I hate myself for it and feel like throwing myself in front of a bus for what I did.
I'm not looking for advice from anyone I just needed to tell someone. Feel free to comment and tell me how stupid I am
EDIT: I am not a creep this is the first time anything of the sort has happened. And I intend for it to be the last.
eveangelene: You have to consider that she never told you not to do that, that she should have been in charge of her side of the situation. Are you attracted to her at all? If you're willing to let her relationship with the other guy exist harmoniously, then it's not so bad.
AdamTeem: Thanks for the quick reply, Yeah I am attracted to her she's one of the hottest girls I know. I am willing to let their relationship exist it's just that I don't know how to make things right again.
EDIT: removed man, realized your a girl?
eveangelene: Maybe just let her know that you're really sorry and that you want everyone to be happy still and go from there?
AdamTeem: Well I've tried that and I think she's just gotten to the stage of hating me. And the fact that the BF hates me won't make it any easier
eveangelene: I don't know what else to suggest then... stress the importance of your friendship?
AdamTeem: Yeah I guess I'll have to do that and just persevere. Thanks very much for the help.
eveangelene: Yeah for sure! Either way, don't be too hard on yourself. You acknowledge that it was a bad idea and now you have to move on and hopefully in a positive direction!
| 8 | 0.625 | |
1388673903 | 1388944104 | t3_1u8c86 | t5_2to41 | 15 | Vato_Loco: TIFU by telling the truth
This was actually New Year's Eve.
For a little context, I'm a regular at a bar near my house. I've made a lot of friends there with the regulars, the bartenders and the owner. I'm 23, but have always been mistaken for 5-10 years older by people I meet. People tell me it's a combination of looks/personality, whatever it is it's universal.
I hear this shit at least twice a month, "You're 23?! I thought you were older!" "No way you're only 23!" I'm pretty tired of it.
As a result, most of my friends are a number of years older than me. It's just how she rolls. It's rarely a topic of conversation, but this night...
So New Years Eve rolls around, obviously. The bar (normally a pretty chill/dive bar type place) was mixing it up for New Years. Live music, the works. I had been looking forward to it but I've been sick all week, had to call out of work on Monday. Didn't think I would make it out for the celebration. Some of my friends implored me but the kicker was this lady I've been chatting with lately. Tells me she'll be there to watch the ball drop.
She's fairly new at the bar and my god she is my dream woman. Gorgeous. Blonde. Composed. Intelligent. And just as big a football nerd as I am. Maybe even more so, which is saying something. She's also about 15 years older than me. Which I'm into.
Like I said, dream woman. (We'll call her K)
8 pm on New Year's Eve. I chug some cough medicine and a 5 hour energy and head to the bar. I'm sick, I'm sore, I sound like Tom Waits on a bad day but I'm determined to make it.
Fast forward about 2 hours. I've been chatting K up. The whiskey is flowing, lots of flirting, some arm touching, things are going good. She tells me her favorite kind of food. I'm already planning the first date.
And then it happens. We're talking sports. This is the topic that connected us in the first place. It's all good.
Then it happens.
K says, "...and you remember how it was in '95 when the Mariner's went to the AL Championship..."
And I, like a fucking moron, blurted out "I was 5 years old in 1995."
Ladies and gentlemen, I literally watched the interest drain out of her eyes. It was an instant lady-boner killer. I've never seen it happen but it went from 60 to 0 in a half second flat.
If any car company could develop the brakes like I put on that conversation, they would make a hundred million dollars.
K recovers from the initial shock long enough to do some mental math, and then exclaims "Oh my god I could have had you!" (As in, in she is in a realistic age range to have been my birth mother).
Next thing I know she's chatting up another friend of mine (a great guy, can't begrudge him that) that's closer to her age. She's buying him drinks, they're laughing, he's being smoother than K-Y in a sandstorm.
And reddit, it was downhill from there. The topic of my age was a favorite butt-of-the-joke for the rest of the night. Any attempt at salvaging my conversation with K was met with the same age jokes I've heard a million and a half times.
Midnight comes around and I'm just tired. Sick. Ready to go home. Done with people in general. Just as I was ready to write last year off and make a new start... bam. TIFU.
At least I got a kiss at midnight.
Jesus this turned into a wall of text. Sorry.
TLDR; Tarantulas ate my newborn daughter
Moonreaver: ... Sounds like you saved yourself actually. If she flipped that easy it wouldn't have been long before she cheated or left anyway
Vato_Loco: That's a pretty big leap. It's not like we were on a date or anything. It was New Years. Lots of booze, etc.
And it's not like she completely blanked me. I still got a kiss at midnight from her. The age difference may have just been a deal breaker for her. People are allowed to have their preferences.
Moonreaver: That's true, but something that easily pushed aside was halfhearted to begin with
Zintilyaspin: Your opinion.
Moonreaver: Indeed. But not a wrong one either
Zintilyaspin: Never said it was. Just pointing out that it doesn't apply to everyone who reads the post.
| 7 | 2.142857 | |
1388780207 | 1388820529 | t3_1u8tbb | t5_2to41 | 3 | Cant_Translate_Shit: Well I'm not really sure. He did come here and post it for all to see after all. I think by the time he's crowned he will probably be over it.
Cheesewithmold: Be over it? He almost killed his friend. This isn't a potential end to a friendship, it's a potential end to a life. Getting extra recognition will make him more upset. This isn't something you will be able to laugh off in a couple of years.
kickingturkies: If that's the case he can simply delete the post, no?
| 3 | 1 | |
1388689955 | 1388789860 | t3_1u8z0g | t5_2to41 | 74 | [deleted]: TIFU by farting resulting in a poo puddle on the floor
I farted and it's day two of a juice cleanse and I had no pants on and I thought it was just a fart but nope... shit on the floor.
jpaschel: Somebody reset the counter!
Soccadude123: It's a clock now guys. I'm not happy about it but it is what it is.
jpaschel: Cool! I was always in favor of the clock!
| 4 | 18.5 | |
1388692075 | 1388704483 | t3_1u92a7 | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU (actually about 2 months ago) by sleeping with a guy without using a condom
This stems off of my other post from last night. Anyway, I got really drunk at a party and lost my virginity to him. He didn't have a condom but he also didn't (don't want to be gross or blunt, I'm sorry) cum in me. I haven't gotten my period yet.
I took 3 pregnancy tests. One was invalid, the second had a faint line, and the third was negative. I'm still scared though.
I fucked up because I should've stopped him but didn't want to.
Octopus_Tetris: Take this ticket to coat hanger city.
Edit: Ok that was horrible, I'm kind of sorry. But then again, to you I'm just some words on a screen - don't take me too seriously.
Yodaddysbelt: Jesus...
| 3 | 7 | |
1388691439 | 1388753433 | t3_1u918w | t5_2to41 | 5,561 | epatti0914: TIFU by changing in front of my cat.
He attacked my penis.
**TL;DR:** attacked my penis.
AlphaNova: Thanks for the TL;DR
epatti0914: **TL;DR:** Penis.
[deleted]: TL;DR: Pen
No I can't go further. It lost it's meaning.
epatti0914: TL;DR: Ow :(
[deleted]: TL;DR: :(
Rndom_Gy_159: #
spacezoro: TL;DR .
wienerbutt65: TL;DR :) 8=D"\^·_·^ :( 8#D
dsoltesz: Thank you. I really didn't understand OP's story. The picture helped clarify a few things.
SleepyCommuter: Thank you for my first belly laugh of the day.
You deserve it.
| 11 | 505.545455 | |
1388696171 | 1388807677 | t3_1u990f | t5_2to41 | 146 | michaelboccia: TIFU by slapping the shit out of my balls
So there I was having sex with my girlfriend. She was riding me cowgirl style and it was great. I pulled her body down to kiss her and gave her ass a light spank. Then, I went for the mother of all spanks...and missed. As my title says, I slapped the shit out of my nuts. Ensue worst pain ever and an instantly flaccid penis. After a couple of minutes spent laughing and writhing in pain my erection came back and we finished, but yeah. Fuck...never again.
Moonreaver: Doesn't matter had sex
accountcompromised: She kept looking at her watch
Moonreaver: Doesn't matter, had sex
| 4 | 36.5 | |
1388705518 | 1388736135 | t3_1u9o4e | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by using firefox and Windows
I'm a pack rat in some ways. I always keep a ton of tabs open and keep adding more and more and more. Sometimes I try to clear them out, but I always think "I'll go back to this later" so I end up with a bunch. I checked last night, it was at over 400 tabs open in firefox. I treasured each and every last one of them. I had a lot of stuff open that I hadn't bothered to bookmark. And fuck me for using windows because of games rather than my arch linux install I got working just how I want. Windows blue screened on me. Reboots, and I go to firefox. Nothing. Nothing to restore, nothing to open last closed window, nothing. I went to the profile folder, and copied the sessionstore files, but I don't think they have my tabs in them. Firefox is set up to sync, so I pushed sync under tools. I think that just synced my single mozilla start page tab and erased anything that might've been synced there... Lesson learned, use chrome and linux from now on.
stolemyusername: So you had over 400 tabs open, which means you havnt restarted your computer in a while and then it blue screened? This is defiantly going to happen again and seriously 400 tabs!
[deleted]: Ah, nah. I have it set to restore the last tabs every time it opens. It's been restarted plenty of times. At the time of the bluescreen it was probably only 24-48 hours at most of uptime. Firefox itself was open for shorter than that. Probably was open for ~4 hours
My_secondary_reddit: But maybe you should not take said blue screen lightly. They're easy to fix, and can cause a downward spiral if unchecked.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1388723381 | 1388861176 | t3_1uad7k | t5_2to41 | 62 | [deleted]: TIFU by playing LoL while making GF wait
So today I started a League of legends game and there I was farming and shit. Meanwhile, my GF calls me and tells me that she was on her way to my home to pick me up(in 10minutes). My first thought was that I needed to win that fast or I would have to leave right at the middle of the game. What I didn't notice was that I put my phone face down and it was on silent mode (it's always on that mode).
About 45 minutes later, at the end of the game, I casually check my phone to find out 10 missed calls and a bunch of texts... totally forgot about her(completely rare from me!) . she already had returned to her home and she refuses to talk to me.
Soccadude123: Is she incapable of knocking or ringing a doorbell
captainkaleb: She probably doesn't what that a doorbell is =(
| 3 | 20.666667 | |
1388722801 | 1388779042 | t3_1uacd7 | t5_2to41 | 111 | The_Trevaler: TIFU By referencing reddit and am likely to be losing my girlfriend
So, backstory time! ^Grab ^your ^popcorn ^and ^I'll ^flavor ^it ^with ^my ^misery!
We are both in our twenties and have been dating for about two and a half years but are currently long-distance
The past five or so days, my girlfriend has been distant (it's the holidays, she's been busy: I don't see anything wrong with that and gave her some space). Now, I'm usually the cuddly/more outwardly loving one so I do my best to cheer her up before backing off
Last night, however, I had just gotten out of a wicked fight with my father when she gives me a call, all chipper. That's delightful, but let me qualify something for you: it's a big pet peeve of mine when someone takes out their unhappiness on others (history of paternal-son abuse in my family). That being said, I went out of my way to be attentive to the conversation and, while I was certainly distant, I was not *intentionally* harsh or otherwise malicious to her (two sides to every coin and whatnot).
So after maybe twenty minutes of talking (the longest exclusive conversation [she handed me (her phone) over to her father for fifteen+ minutes the other day] we have had for maybe a week and a half), she finally seems to have gleamed my mood and starts to go out of her way to cheer me up (there's some god-damned excellent reasons I love this woman- this is one) and I'm about as receptive as I can be. After a few minutes of her best, she begins to attempt to tell me how much not only she but her (refreshingly harsh but straightforward) father's side of the family likes me.
Normally, this would be a delight to hear as I seek the approval of her father/mother (separated, so they are separate games with separate rules entirely), but as I am in a truly dreadful mood at this point, I say a rough approximation of the following:
"There's no good way of saying this so I am sorry, but I really just am not in the mood to talk about this right now" ^rough ^approximation, ^she ^likely ^remembers ^something ^different.
She then begins to cry and I attempt to get off the phone as quickly as possible (out of character for both of us). A few minutes later, I get a text and e-mail saying that no-one else could be so oblivious to their SO crying.
I e-mail back (phone is broken):
> I was in a truly terrible mood and knew that I couldn't change the situation at the time; I knew you were crying but thought it best that I give you space
She responds with "whatever man"
We then spend the next day (until earlier this evening) with me pointing out that it is normal for her to ask for space and me to respect it, but when the other cheek is bared, she can't handle it or rejection well.
I reference [this post]( http://www.reddit.com/r/AdviceAnimals/comments/1u8bi6/common_communication_issue_between_couples/) and she responds saying that she hates me, that I am spineless, and goodbye.
I call her twice and am waiting to cool off a bit and not stagger the calls too close together so i decided to write this, get it off my chest, and give us both a little time. I'll try and update this if it gets any interest.
**TL;DR: Referenced a reddit post, girlfriend hates me**
UPDATE 1: Twenty-Four hours have passed with no word from her; I am beginning to fear that this is final
UPDATE 2: Thirty-six hours
Update 3: Got to talking two days ago, worked things out, everything's back to normal but I definitely am going to make a point to not say hurtful things intentionally
AStudyinViolet: Ya, you might owe an apology for referencing what looks like a sexist post. Sounds like you're both under a lot of stress, and I'll bet you're back on track after some time and space. But dude, next time around with her, you'll both want to address those little irritations much sooner BEFORE the big stuff comes along. You'll be all right, but updates are appreciated.
Source: Long-distance relationship of 8 years.
The_Trevaler: I don't see how I could have addressed this sooner; I am very rarely not in the mood to talk.
Was I wrong to think that she would respect my space as I respected hers?
PixelOrange: You wanting space is fine. You rejecting her after she says, "My father likes you" is bewildering. Why would you do that?
Just say, "I'm flattered!" and then follow it up with, "Listen, I know I'm not being a very good conversationalist today. I'm not feeling very well. I think I'm going to let you go and go lay down for a bit."
The_Trevaler: You're right, I should have been more tactful.
But I asked for space, why is that not okay?
is it really just the delivery?
[deleted]: Especially if she's really close to her family, it's a big warning sign for a lot of girls if you don't respect her father. That and, yes, when someone is hurting because of something you did you don't reference a meme making fun of them.
The_Trevaler: Well, it wasn't so much that I wasn't respecting her father (I think; not a bad point to ask), but she was telling me how she and they felt toward me and I kinda shut her down.
[deleted]: Without being there and knowing the context, the part where I really would have gotten ticked would probably be when you sent the meme. I understand that you probably didn't do it with ill intent, but I can see it coming across as making fun of her feelings or implying her rational was crazy :/
Definitely I think a case of misunderstood intentions, sorry it all went down like that anyways :/ It can be hard to convey things through long distance relationships.
The_Trevaler: Her rational was crazy!
I was asking for space and she denied me that. She being an individual who has asked for space on regular occasion, the likes of which have only been met with acceptance.
[deleted]: If you are more quick to call someone crazy than try to understand why they feel the way they feel, then you're going to have a bad time
The_Trevaler: She denied me what I freely gave her, how is that not at the very least undesirable?
[deleted]: Because, if you talked to her about it instead of calling her crazy, you *probably* would have found out there was more to it than just what you are seeing from your perspective (i.e. she denied me what I freely gave her). There are two sides of the story and usually when to people care about each other they don't just go balls to the walls acting like a dick for no reason... so if you talk about and genuinely try to see things from everyone's perspective you'll usually find out that most people are not crazy and most actions stem from *something*
The_Trevaler: I didn't call her crazy... I value my testicles staying right where they are
You are absolutely right and I should have gone more slowly/less radically with what I was saying (we are both rather hot blooded when it comes to one another).
But here's my main issue and what I just can't get past (and this is without knowing her side; she has yet to contact me since this all went down), despite any deeper fear/motivation, I was asking for something that we both deemed reasonable through our actions and our words throughout the term of our relationship.
So, even if there are ulterior motivations, is she not still in the wrong?
Now, I'm not above swallowing my pride and just letting her be right so we can go on being happy, but I'm afraid of this cropping up in the future and want to address it now; is that a mistake?
[deleted]: I'm honestly not trying to vilify you so sorry if it's been coming across that way. I've found that usually in a disagreement there's no one "bad guy" and everyone could have done something a little better. As per your question, in the heat of the argument is probably not the best time to bring this up (or even this close to the argument when there are obviously still feelings there) if you want to resolve it. Sure, go ahead and verify for future reference at some point, but honestly people mess up all of the time on things that were previously agreed on so I think make sure she doesn't feel like you are rubbing it in her face (not that you actually would, but I can see how it might feel that way). I also don't think it's a very good idea to use personal attacks during an argument even if you feel it's true because in the heat of the argument it just elicits emotional responses and doesn't solve anything (referring to the part where she may have thought you were calling her irrational).
| 14 | 7.928571 | |
1388717936 | 1388760228 | t3_1ua5an | t5_2to41 | 84 | sp00nzhx: TIFU by playing CoD while texting
Oh, the woes of surprisingly accurate voice typing.
So, I'm playing some Call of Duty on my PS4. It's awesome. I'm on a roll. I get a text from my ex. She's actually rather nice, we're still friends. Pretty cool.
She seems upset. Asks me if she's a bad person. Seeing as I'm playing a game, I'm using Google voice typing. Trying to console her, I say that I have no idea what she's talking about.
Except, right in the split second before I hit send, I die. I mutter under my breath, "bitch", as if the enemy could hear me. Yeah, well, my new Nexus 5 has such amazing microphone technology that it hears me say bitch over my game and music (Finntroll at the moment) and *sneaks that fucker in at the last possible second* before I hit send.
"I have no idea what you're talking about, bitch" is what got sent.
When I apologized, I got a reply in the form of "K."
Dammit.
TLDR: Bitch.
Ninja edit: I typed this up on said phone using voice recognition.
Platypus_Egg: >She seems upset. Asks me if she's a bad person.
Who asks that?
sp00nzhx: I've actually had several friends ask me that. Maybe I just attract people who are self conscious in that regard.
Platypus_Egg: Well next time someone asks just reply "Well, that depends. Do you need a lawyer? Bitch."
| 4 | 21 | |
1388730807 | 1388778810 | t3_1uamoq | t5_2to41 | 22 | lazydonovan: TIFU by blowing up a stage audio amplifier
I was trying to fix a different amp (Rated for 600W per side) and accidentally plugged in a feed that I thought was going just to speakers but was actually going to speakers and another amp (rated 200W per side)....
Turned up the audio and popped it. I didn't realize it until we tried to use it today and nothing. It even popped its own fuse. Now I have to find a replacement.
NobodySpecific: > It even popped its own fuse. Now I have to find a replacement.
That's exactly what a fuse is supposed to do. I hope you mean you have to find a replacement fuse, because if it did its job properly the amp should be ok.
lazydonovan: I think I blew out the finals. We tried another fuse and it popped again. I've been studying the schematic (which right now consists of redrawing it because I have a very poor quality copy which is hard to read) and it uses BJT finals which I could easily have blown. Additionally, they are wired directly to the power supply, so it wouldn't surprise me at all if that's the cause of the fuses blowing.
NobodySpecific: Ah, in that case you are probably screwed. That's a bummer.
lazydonovan: Not necessarily. I can probably fix it. The BJTs are around $7 each and there's 8 on each channel (4 NPN and 4 PNP). I need to do some circuit analysis first to determine what I can expect the bias voltages to be and then figure out what I need to replace.
Fortunately, I only back-fed one side, so the other is probably working fine which means I could disconnect the power from the bad side and do the measurements on the good side.
| 5 | 4.4 | |
1388729798 | 1389128710 | t3_1ualk4 | t5_2to41 | 14 | My_secondary_reddit: TIFU by using machines and sleeping
The actual fuck up was a week and a half ago, but I'm getting the stress today.
It all started off on that fateful evening a week and a half ago. I'm a part time produce clerk at a local grocery store and my job description is literally "clerking produce." So as a result of all the "clerking" I had done this particular shift I had a ton of boxes I need to dispose of in the store box crusher.
Now, despite having been employed there for over nine months I am not technically allowed to operate said machine because I'm not 18, I am 17 (I legitimately could not hurt myself with this thing if I tried; I can drive a car but cannot press a green button?). I talked to my manager previously about this, to which he replied that if I get in trouble, he didn't tell me it was ok, but he would over look it.
So I loaded it up, pressed that amazing green button and as I was walking away I heard it. "Hey, stop!" A manager, from a different department than my own approaches me. This manager also happens to be my girlfriend's mother. She takes her near minimum wage job WAY too seriously. "Were you just operating that machine?"
Think fast! Holy shit this could be a firing offence. I don't want to lose my job.
"No."
HOLY FUCKING SHIT I JUST FLAT OUT LIED TO MY GIRLFRIENDS MOM. Why did I do that? Fuck. I dwelled on it for a good 10 minutes and decided to man up and tell her I lied. She didn't buy it obviously, the crusher doesn't just crush whenever it feels like. So now have I not only lost the trust of a store manager but also my girlfriend's MOM. Swift aren't I? I
had work a day after this shift and spent long hours on my day off doing the homework that my teachers gave me over the winter break. (Fuck me, right?) This then allowed the possibility of accidentally sleeping in before my shift. Which of course happened. I was a full hour late getting there. I apologized profusely, did my best work without using the box crusher, put in an extra hour of paid work, then volunteered on my own time right up until the stored closed to make sure everything was perfect, and I made sure my manager knew it.
Sunday rolls around. The day they post the schedules. I go in to check it, and I'm not on the schedule at all. My row of hours is completely just missing. He's really busy and a bit scattered so he's bound to make a mistake at some point right? So I go and talk to my manager about it. "Oh yeah I just made that in two minutes, when do you work next? Thursday? I'll talk to you about it then." It? Something he can't talk about now? Sounds suspicious, but ok. Thursday rolls around. Yup, that's today. Keep in mind that it's already too late to change next weeks schedule because it's only 2 days until the schedule for the week after is due. So I work, do my best and all that, but my manager says nothing about it and is acting kinda weird around me. So I mention it to him. "Oh ya, sorry [blah blah blah, I forget what he said because the way he said it made me super stressed that something was gonna happen] why don't you come in for three hours on Saturday? Any time between 8:00AM and 4:30PM. As long as I'M here. You know what? Just come in at 12:00 for 3 hours."
This is where I'm at. I don't THINK my girlfriends mom ratted me out, but is possible due to the fact that she super serious about being in control of 4 cashiers. And I'm pretty sure that I made up for sleeping in, I mean it's the second time I've ever been late! But on Saturday my manager for sure doesn't need any extra help, let alone help for only 3 hours. Looks to me like I'm gonna get fired. Which normally wouldn't be *that* big of a deal, but this store is the only job I can get within reasonable distance of my house and I need work experience, a good reference, and a car to get to my next job up. I'm pretty fucked as far as I can see. Why else would I go in for 3 hours?
TL;DR: I lied and slept and now I'm gonna get fired
Update: I got fired. Fuck. But it was nothing that I had expected. The employees bathroom is a shit stained mess plastered in graffiti. Some recent "art" contained a TON of swearing in it. Half sarcastically I wrote below it "watch the language please" And my employer found that it matched my other printing. I straight up told the truth about it and he didn't care to give any second chances.
So basically I got fired for asking my coworkers not to swear
discordkitty: I've got an un-trainable part timer who it pains me to watch try and deal with customers that I can't fire and someone who actually busts ass gets fired over something this ridiculous? Wish I could hire you!
My_secondary_reddit: Why can't you fire him?
discordkitty: My company is annoying, they don't believe in letting someone go in the 3 month probationary period and say you must coach and develop them and if it doesn't work, you're documenting their way out and then you have to get them on policy until they're done. It's ridiculous.
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1388735219 | 1388736037 | t3_1uaqz3 | t5_2to41 | 106 | talb1015: TIFU by sending my stepmother a snapchat that was meant for my girlfriend.
It was a... lewd... photo of me and had the text "and then I would massage your body with oil." I mean it wasn't a nude or anything, but it was me in a sexyish pose biting my lip. I had been snapchatting my girlfriend about what I was going to do to her next time we had sex, so definitely not something I wanted my mom to see.
My_secondary_reddit: 1st. Why do you have your step mother on snap chat? That's kinda weird in itself.
2nd. You need more description OP
talb1015: more description? I mean it wasn't a nude or anything, but it was me in a sexyish pose biting my lip. I had been snapchatting her about what I was going to do to her next time we had sex, see?
Also, not really.
My_secondary_reddit: That's a start, now all you have to do is copy *THAT* into your post!
Edit: when you say "her" it sounds like you're talking about your step mother. Go with that story for extra karma whoring points!
talb1015: Happy?
My_secondary_reddit: Ya, I just came
| 6 | 17.666667 | |
1388774222 | 1388799670 | t3_1ubt84 | t5_2to41 | 961 | M_O_N_T_I: TIFU by trusting a fart
3 miles into a 5-mile run, I felt a small fart. I gave it a gentle nudge and - bam! - my compression shorts filled with liquid shit. Only the weak stop in the middle of a run. The next 2 miles helped me understand how babies can develop an uncomfortable diaper rash.
tl;dr...sharted myself; finished a 5-mile run.
shaggy9: at least you weren't 30 minutes into a 2 and 1/2 hour airplane flight...oh wait, that was me...
Trytothink: Ehhh, hmmm, gross. Glad it's in the past, right?
shaggy9: yes, I guess 12 hours is in the past....can't quite laugh about it yet though...
Trytothink: Oh, wow. I didn't realize it was so soon. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to insult you if I did. Hope you're not too worried about it. It happens to everyone.
shaggy9: no worries! everyone poops!
depricatedzero: Shaggy's like "and the world is my toilet. This plane seat? MINE!" pppffffpbpbpbpbpbpbbpbttttthzzzzzzzzzzzpb
| 7 | 137.285714 | |
1388783721 | 1388788244 | t3_1uc8wi | t5_2to41 | 17 | TortoiseWrath: TIFU by doing nothing wrong.
My eBay seller fees for December totaled $12.60. Fine. My PayPal balance was upwards of $50. Surely they'll charge me $12.60 from that, right?
NOPE. Today I get a letter from my bank:
> On 02 JAN 14, [bank name] received and returned an EFT (Electronic Funds Transfer) item UNPAID. A fee of $25.00 was charged to your [account number] account.
> The EFT item was from PAYPAL for the amount of $12.60. The item was returned for the following reason: Insufficient Funds.
I also get an email from PayPal:
> Hello TortoiseWrath,
> You recently attempted to transfer funds from your bank account. ^^^NO ^^^I ^^^FUCKING ^^^DIDN'T
Your bank has declined the funds transfer because your account did not have sufficient funds available. We will automatically re-attempt this transfer in 3 business days. ^^^OH ^^^GREAT ^^^THANKS ^^^JUST ^^^KEEP ^^^NOT ^^^USING ^^^MY ^^^PAYPAL ^^^BALANCE Please fund your bank account immediately to ensure this transaction can be completed.
I go to my bank. Great, the bank's closed and the ATM is broken. It is the only ATM within 100 miles.
I try to transfer $25 out of my PayPal account to cover both the transaction they're repeatedly trying to make and the -$5 balance they've forced upon my bank account...
> This will take three to four business days.
FUCK YOU. Now you're going to overdraft my account again on Monday, aren't you? Probably in the middle of the night on Monday, before the bank opens so I still won't have any money in it.
Naturally, when I contact PayPal about it, they blame it on me:
> Because you did not ensure your bank account balance was greater than the transaction amount, we cannot assist you in this matter. Please fund your bank account immediately.
So apparently TIFU.
**tl;dr: PayPal decides to charge from my bank account instead of my PayPal balance, overdrawing my account. They blame it on me. I lose $25 and will probably lose $25 more.**
KhetdaNight: Fuck. That is just painful... :/ I'm just gonna take this as a lesson however and NEVER use PayPal. Ever.
Hope things go okay for you.
TortoiseWrath: I mean, they don't usually do this. Just sometimes they're like NOPE WE TAKE YOUR MONEY NOW
They're also prone to randomly locking down accounts. That has only happened to me twice.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1388779287 | 1388807581 | t3_1uc1ni | t5_2to41 | 4 | SenseIMakeNone: TIFU by sending a really conservative friend porn.
We were talking about beards and her dislike of them, so in jest I said "So that's why you don't like ZZ Top." (She dislikes any music thats not country). She said "Whose that?" so I googled up "Sharp Dressed Man", copied the youtube link and without checking it I sent it to her via FB. Apparently my paste clipboard had not been cleared since my last nsfw trek, and the URL for Sharp Dressed Man didn't copy.
Thankfully she didnt click it, but she would have flipped if she saw what it was.
tl;dr: ZZ Top < Blowjob.
holnrew: She deserves worse than porn for even having heard of ZZ Top.
alpineliam: I've never heard of ZZ Top.
Clamwizard: Www.porn.com
^there best song
| 4 | 1 | |
1388788729 | 1389013312 | t3_1ucgmt | t5_2to41 | 61 | [deleted]: TIFU by forgetting my microphone was on.
I've been having a problem installing Windows 8.1 for months now, and after much ignorance, I finally turned to Microsoft's customer support team to solve the issue.
For those of you not already familiar with how Microsoft's customer support works, basically, a man who sounds vaguely Indian will request remote control of your computer and 'fix' the issue for you.
I had a lengthy phone call yesterday with one customer service rep who could not solve my issue. He informed me that my issue had been escalated to 'level 2', and that I would receive a phone call the following day (today). I got called up by Microsoft today and once again initiated the remote control program and let him have his way with my computer, he informed he would call me back in half an hour, and in the meantime would fix the issue.
I hung up he phone and proceeded to watch him 'fix' the problem. He seemed to determine that some programs that were not compatible with Windows 8.1 were preventing the update, in fact there were 4 programs in total:
- Call of Duty 4
- Punkbuster
- FL Studio 10
- Quicktime
I had no issue with him removing any of these programs. However, when the first thing he did was start uninstalling EVE Online (approx 12gb), I did get annoyed, and I started cursing loudly at my computer screen - that shit took ages to download. The term 'incompetent retard' was thrown around, amongst other insults.
After a few minutes of hurling abuse at the screen I realised not only was my microphone plugged in, it was also on AND had the 'listen' setting ticked. This means whatever sound enters the microphone gets played out of my speakers, and since he was control of my computer, my outburst got played through HIS speakers too.
I am beyond embarrassed.
MyPasswordIsNotTacos: To be fair, he sounds like an incompetent retard.
Expir: He also closed my fucking Dota 2 match mid-game.
talkaboutbored: You were playing a game while he had control? Wait, what..?
Expir: He was meant to phone between 5 and 7pm, there was no phone call, he phoned me at 10pm when I was in the middle of a Dota 2 game, we were winning like 18-0 so I just minimised it and hoped he'd leave it long enough for me to get the win without an abandon.
talkaboutbored: The pains of throwing away an 18-0 lead and potentially about 25 MMR. The horror..!
Expir: I actually got an abandon, but I also got +28 MMR since we still won, so I got that going for me which is nice.
| 7 | 8.714286 | |
1388809590 | 1388810913 | t3_1ud9wr | t5_2to41 | 36 | itsforabirdie: Balls of fire
TheRealSpirit: Suck them.
itsforabirdie: Wow that worked like a charm! I'm glad I found someone with experience in this matter. Thank you internet stranger.
TheRealSpirit: No problem, I have been in situations like this many times. I have always got out with this trick.
| 4 | 9 | |
1388818601 | 1388859800 | t3_1udkgp | t5_2to41 | 104 | Blu3Dream: TIFU by burning my penis with the blow dryer
Living in the Sierra Nevadas, it gets very cold at night.
Took a shower after a cold night at work. Shower with nice hot water. Hot but not steaming hot. Felt so good and warm.
Drying myself, starting to get cold.
Got out of the shower, so damn cold.
Drying hair(on head) with the blow dryer and it felt so nice and warm.
Balls were cold, penis was cold. All shrivled up, smaller than usual.
Blow dry my private area just as usual during a cold winter day, but since it was so cold I moved in a little closer. It felt so nice and warm.
Thought "oh, fuck it, I'll move in a little closer since it was so damn cold today." Moved in too close, tip of penis touches the burning hot iron grill. Pull dryer away in shock.
It hurts. It burns as I type this. Erections make it burn more. It's red where it got burned. Hoping it doesn't turn into a blister
TL;DR: Too damn cold, showered, dry my hair, dry my privates(male parts) moved in too close, burned the tip of my penis with the iron grill on the blow dryer. My penis hurts. It burns.
EDIT: I didn't think i would have permanent markings but now I think I will. I have 2 very straight, black burn marks on my foreskin where the blow dryer burned. I will upload a picture soon
slydunan: Hey, at least it was just the tip.
feedbackTOdevnull: [Just the tip, huh?](http://i.imgur.com/wqH0oQ7.gif)
C4GoBoom: Lana.
jorinverwoert: LANA!
C4GoBoom: LAAAANNNNAAAAA!!!
| 6 | 17.333333 | |
1388847549 | 1388916123 | t3_1ue4x1 | t5_2to41 | 1,855 | chiron1: TIFU by dumping a bowl of vomit into my son's face.
This was a joint fuck up by myself and my wife. It happened moments ago. He's all cleaned up now, so of course I have to post it here.
My 6 yr old son has been up since 1:20 this morning (about 15 minutes after I went to bed) throwing up about once an hour. My wife and I have been trying to keep him from getting it all over himself and the chair that he's sitting in.
Everything was starting to look good. He hadn't puked for about an hour and a half. He finally fell asleep in my recliner (It rocks back and forth. That's important to the story.) and I was starting to doze off on the couch. Then he made that sound that tells the world that a flood of bile and bread is about to come rocketing out of his mouth.
Luckily my wife was standing in the perfect location. She leaped into action, grabbed the empty puke bowl and shoved it under my son's mouth and captured the onslaught without spilling a drop.
I got up and immediately went to the kitchen to get wet paper towels to clean my son's face and a drink to clean his mouth. Then I heard that sound again. It was coming once more. I ran back to the chair. My wife rammed the now full puke bowl back under my son's face with far too much force at the same moment that I knocked into the chair rocking it backward, forcing my son's hand into the bottom of the bowl. The chair rocked forward just as a tsunami of puke leapt over the edge of the bowl and enveloped my son's face covering him in his own vomit.
Sorry Zachy. It was an accident. Mommy and Daddy love you.
EDIT: He just got his revenge. We just got back from the doctor after finding out he has strep throat. As we walked in the door I was carrying him and he puked all over me.
[deleted]: Take pictures and share them 20 years from now. He will find this hilarious.
Cproo12: YES.
EDIT: Reddit logic, I love it.
ONE_ANUS_FOR_ALL: YEAS.
Elzerythen: I had to:
http://imgur.com/7E9Dx
Source:
http://harkavagrant.com/index.php?id=125
ONE_ANUS_FOR_ALL: I can appreciate this.
xandroidxtx: Your username..
thepeoplespritchard: My username?
xandroidxtx: No ONE_ANUS_FOR_ALL
thepeoplespritchard: Oh :/
ONE_ANUS_FOR_ALL: Yes.
thepeoplespritchard: Your username..
GoldenGangsta66: Mother fuckin bread crumbs!
| 13 | 142.692308 | |
1388820513 | 1388897713 | t3_1udmbh | t5_2to41 | 12 | Dragonnett: TIFU by attempting to eat my own tongue
Saw a post about [eating gummies](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1tzjsn/tifu_by_eating_gummies/) and it triggered a memory of something I did last May...
It was close to the end of the semester, finals week was coming up, so any second thoughts about eating junk food were tossed out the window. I was chowing down on some CVS gummy bears that were delicious, but a little hard to chew on partially because my apartment is cold year-round (thank you San Francisco). Towards the end of the bag of delicious gummy bears, my glorious set of teeth manage to miss each other and instead [make direct contact with my tongue](http://imgur.com/XtiiYKR).
Because gummy bears do not taste good with tongue blood, my only solution was to play Pokemon on my bed for the next half-hour while I waited for the bleeding to stop.
**TL;DR: I finished the rest of the gummy bears after the bleeding stopped.**
**Epilogue:** Later that summer, my hygienist brought up whether or not I bit my tongue, which I sheepishly admitted to. I just got a filling a few weeks ago and the dentist asked me if I had **burnt** my tongue. Upon admitting that I had attacked my own tongue over half a year ago, him and the assistant laughed at me and jokingly told me to not eat any solids until the anesthesia wore off in case I decide to do it again.
lostdeceiver: That second picture. *Ouch*.
Dragonnett: Yeah...I suppose that's why my dentist can still see scar tissue there.
| 3 | 4 | |
1388858441 | 1388962359 | t3_1uehc9 | t5_2to41 | 23 | RationalCube: TIFU by mentioning testosterone to a girl.
So, early this morning, around 2 AM, I decided that it would be a to great time to start texting a girl that I liked. I ask her out to a movie and dinner, and we keep texting until about three.
Now, let me get this straight. She's a large girl, ~5'10 and 170 lbs. And she's not very muscular. I'm older than her, but I'm 5'6, 130 lbs, and pretty muscular. I did track and had to lift for that regularly. She then started texting "hey, also going to work out on Monday morning..." and stuff until it got to "I think I might be stronger than you ;)"
Then... I say... "well, muscle mass is usually a lot bigger in men. Testosterone and shit."
Then, I somehow fall asleep right after that. This morning I wake up with 17+ text messages from her about "either way, do you still wanna come?", "you there?", "girls have testosterone too.", "fucking sexist", and "why the fuck aren't you responding". The last text was sent at 5:27 AM. And then I look again and see a text from her sister: "sorry, I don't think (her name here) is gonna come to the movie today"
I tried to text her again and call her, but apparently I just lost my first GF before we even went on a date...
PrincessGary: That sounds slightly crazy, Girls have a minute amount of testosterone, apart from stupid imbalances blahblah, but that's no reason for her to lose her shit.
If you want to carry on with her, just go over to her house and try to explain in person.
AcaciaJules: Not accurate at all.
PrincessGary: Which part?
Women have testosterone, which increases over menopause, hence hormone therapy for them and changes in mood beforehand.
When I say a small/minute amount, this is comparing the the levels of estrogen and other hormones that are in the female body.
There are women with imbalances, for example, PCOS, which messes a lot with hormones.
Unless she has something like that without knowing (Which is more likely than you think) OP's nongirlfriend has overthought it a little.
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1388861677 | 1388872045 | t3_1uelq2 | t5_2to41 | 6 | cedrickirk: TIFU by trying to be a normal foot fetishist
Ok, so I am a foot fetishist. I love the smell, I love to kiss them and lick them and stuff like that. I have it under control and only tell close friends. So TIFU three times all related to my fetish.
1. My dads ex (we are just friends now) knows I like feet and she always goes around bare foot for me. She was painting her nails and her toenails had just dryed so I offered to massage her feet. She said he and got to work on massaging them. Later, she locked the door and offered to do a bit more. She put her toes around my noes and then I sucked her toes. In was hard and loving it. Then, I blew my load and my sinless undone. Semen went everywhere. FUCK.
2. Later when I had returned and cleaned up, I was looking at some foot pics on the internet. I had just watched some foot porn and humiliation. I went to delete my history when my mum called and I ran downstairs. My older sister snuck in and photographed it, using it as blackmail. Sh made me massage her feet for over an hour. I fell asleep on the couch later on and she put her feet on my face, put her toes in my mouth and made me lick her feet. She recorded it on her phone and is threatening to send it o my girlfriend unless I give her a foot massage every day and suck her toes when asked. Shit.
3. My friend was over. I have a crush on her but we are like best friends. We were watching a movie and she took off her socks and put her legs across my lap. I was aroused. Later on, she took her legs off and I laid back. She then put her sweaty feet on my face, forcing me to smell and kiss them. She left the room and I pretended to take a nap. She did the same thing as my sister but didn't film it. She noticed my erection and asked about it. I told her that I have a foot fetish. She let me lick her feet and stuff. Then my parents walked in. FUCK.
OpinionToaster: Dear god I'd just stop now. From what I've seen I hate your sister already. Get that phone and delete that shit.
cedrickirk: Ok. She keeps it in her room, and now keeps it by her feet. If I get it, she will think I am trying to touch her feet.
OpinionToaster: Fuck. Just cut off her feet.
cedrickirk: Wtf?
OpinionToaster: That's the only way she can't blame you. Another alternative is getting the phone while she's in the shower or something.
cedrickirk: Alright, I'll wait until she is in the shower.
| 7 | 0.857143 | |
1388865849 | 1388889485 | t3_1uerm4 | t5_2to41 | 70 | Ohfuckitstuck255: TIFU by practicing blowjobs in the shower
Well TIFU, I'm back **but with a dildo**! Nothing stuck in my cunt this time though, sorry.
Today I woke up pretty horny so I decided to take the way-too-fucking-large suction cup dildo I got for Christmas from my friend (as a joke) into the shower with me. Now, I shit you not, this thing is way too big for my cat. Like I can't make it go in there kind of big. So naturally, I had to find another way to use it, and you can never have too much practice sucking dick, and in my mouth it went.
I was in the middle of shampooing my hair when I decided that I should start sucking on it, and I was really getting into it when the fucking shampoo melted into my eyes, and oh damn, that hurt! I washed my hair and eyes out then all was well.
I was *really* determined to get down to the purple rubber balls and I wasn't making as much progress as I'd hoped so I **shoved** my head down onto that dick and gagged.
But I couldn't get my mouth off of it fast enough to close my mouth to keep from vomiting all over myself.
I puked down my stomach and legs.
Enough with the dildo for a while, I think.
EDIT: The dildo http://m.imgur.com/Av9TQHE
A7XGlock: I think we need a picture of said dildo.
woodbury419: That dildo is a freakin' monster yo...OP....mad respect for your attempt to down that!
Ohfuckitstuck255: What got me was the girth
It was difficult to get it past my back teeth
woodbury419: Umm...compared to that monster dildo. I'm hung like a field mouse...so realize this. You're worthy!!
| 5 | 14 | |
1388867595 | 1388989006 | t3_1ueu5u | t5_2to41 | 18 | RationalCube: TIFU again... By nit looking at what I was drinking.
So, I was ridiculously tired today because of my last post on here (see comment history), and I'm currently in my Korean mother's house.
To make me feel better, she asked me if I wanted tea, and called me out to drink it just before she hopped in the bath.
So, I go up to the counter and pick up the thermos on the top of the counter, open up wide and take a full sip. Little did I know, that thermos was actually making a Korean food, kimchi. In which there is moldy radish sitting in a jar waiting to ferment before it's ready to eat.
Needless to say I threw up a lot.
woodbury419: You should re label this as TIFU by ruining my mother's kimchi!!!
DramaDramaLlama: I bet it would have been delicious
UNTIL OP SOILED IT
| 3 | 6 | |
1388872439 | 1389046318 | t3_1uf0s0 | t5_2to41 | 61 | hornysicky: TIFU by being horny
I haven't been feeling well recently and was in my room with a humidifier so I assumed everybody would leave the sick person alone to be sick. I decided to masturbate and right as I was finishing my dad opened the door asking about dinner. I know he saw it but he didn't say anything.
I don't know what to do. I kind of just want to never leave my room again.
[deleted]: If I can survive my uber Christian mom putting her nose on my cum and sniffing it, you can leave your room.
wildnights: Uh, what?
[deleted]: [my family is weird as fuck] (http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1szglr/tifu_by_letting_my_whole_family_remotely_read_my/ce2vay6)
wildnights: God that's terrible
[deleted]: That was a wildnight
njdevilsfan24: So how is it going with the family?
| 7 | 8.714286 | |
1388863322 | 1388910120 | t3_1ueo1o | t5_2to41 | 46 | walkedtoofar: TIFU by taking a walk on New Year's Day
Yes, it's one of THOSE stories.
I got up to the usual New Year's Eve business with friends. I got home around 4 AM and slept until about 9. Despite all the drinking and little sleep I felt really refreshed and wasn't hungover. Pretty energetic in fact.
I decided it would be nice to take a walk. I popped out of bed and checked the weather - it was snowing pretty heavily. My phone also said it would snow all day, but I figured I could handle it. I put on long underwear, thick socks, jeans, heavy boots, and two sweatshirts before my long coat. I put my ipod onto shuffle and hit the streets.
It was damn cold but I liked it. I struck off in no particular direction and just listening to music. After around a mile and a half I decided to head home and have some breakfast/lunch.
About a minute after turning around I felt a fart coming on. I imagined it making a little steam cloud because of the cold and laughed, which triggered its release. Uh oh, that bitch was wet. I figure "gross" but since there's no follow up I don't worry.
A few minutes later pressure's building. I start hustling a little. I get a couple blocks and suddenly feel like there's a sledgehammer trying to escape me. It was so fast that I seriously looked around for a spot I could take an emergency shit without being seen. I decided to walk in an alley in case.
I got most of the way home when another rumble alerted me that I was coming to a final stretch. There's a gas station near my place, mostly on the way, but I didn't know if it had a bathroom. At that point I was actually weighing the risk of taking a 15 second detour to find out - what if I checked and they didn't have a bathroom? Could I afford that?
I decided I couldn't, and just went straight home. Two blocks away, I felt I couldn't handle it anymore, ducked into another alley, and prayed this feeling was just a fart. I released ever so slightly.
A fart! Good god I was so pleased, but I knew I'd only bought myself a few minutes. I went right back to my trek and made it to my street. I was doing a weird penguin speed walk. I passed a neighbor who was walking his dog and exchanged the least comfortable "Happy New Years" of my life. Just after passing him, I started running - I was only 8 houses from my places.
I got to my door, keys already in hand. My arms and hands were shaking as I unlocked the door, as if a serial killer was about to get me. I decided I didn't have time to retrieve the keys and just ran inside. I accidentally stepped on my cat's tail as I sprinted to the bathroom while taking off my big coat. :/
I ran in and nononono! It happened while I was STANDING ON THE BATHROOM RUG TWO FEET FROM MY TOILET.
Fully dressed, I was shitting in my pants in the bathroom. I just stepped into the tub and began undressing. It took about five minutes for me to be confident that the first wave was done before I thought I could rinse and walk to the toilet for more.
spencer707201: reset the timer.
-Japan: The counter.
spencer707201: I think its just a timer now.
| 4 | 11.5 | |
1388865411 | 1388909019 | t3_1ueqz7 | t5_2to41 | 31 | banabis: TIFU by trying to talk dirty and saying I love you...
I really really was trying to say I love the way you fuck me but the heat of the moment and being all flustered and horny it came out, I love you. You just laughed. But still, fuck.
abelcc: Classic Schmosby
banabis: hahahaha this made me feel better.
| 3 | 10.333333 | |
1388868879 | 1389043832 | t3_1uevza | t5_2to41 | 14 | K-i-p: Tifu by hitting my Doorknob
So I got morning wood when o woke up right? I get up, stretch, and walk to the door. I trip over one of my shoes, and the momentum carried me forwards and my dick had less momentum or something so it caused a whip effect and I hit the doorknob with it. My immediate reaction is to yell as loudly as possible inside my house "FUCK!" As I stumble backwards holding said Phallus and fall onto my bed. I layed there for about 20 minutes.
lostdeceiver: You must be very tall for it to have hit the doorknob.
K-i-p: I'm 6'3.. So yeah. Hurt like bitch.
MissaRosa: 6'3" huh? How you doin'? ;)
K-i-p: If you think that's great. Almost every person in my family is above 6'0. Tallest is 6'8, which is my brother.
MissaRosa: Oh my gosh, please tell me you don't look like trolls.
K-i-p: Oh god no.
MissaRosa: Hooray!
| 8 | 1.75 | |
1388887060 | 1388957537 | t3_1ufggx | t5_2to41 | 9 | fedupd: TIFU by cutting someone out of my life because of their mental illness
Not completely true, it actually happened about three years ago but today was really the first time when I realized it.
A former friend of mine is bipolar. He's generally a very nice guy, as in the vast majority of the time he's great company.
But a few years ago, he went through a rough patch and for a long while he seemed to resent me for not being able to help him out a whole lot etc. etc. It resulted in a very big fight between us (actually over a trivial matter that I think neither of us even cared about to begin with) and things were never really the same again between us. For about a year, we avoided each other and I actively tried to minimize the amount of time we spent together (at times, blatantly so). That got a lot easier when I moved as we hung out mainly with a small group of mutual friends. Then one day he commented on one of my facebook statuses but made an incorrect *(admittedly, that's just my opinion)* assumption while doing so.
I was just tired of him at this stage, so I just blocked him. Went through every social media account I have and blocked him on all of them. Didn't say anything to anyone (never have either).
Today, I found out that he was in a bad road accident a few weeks back. He was pretty badly injured but he will be fine. He has a lot of friends making a huge deal out of this, he seems to have got massive support from a lot of people.
Now, I'm not saying that I'm jealous of someone who was really badly injured. But it makes me wonder if by pushing someone who only behaved badly due to mental illness away was a mistake or not, as those same mutual friends I mentioned earlier are the ones really helping him out but they've been quite distant with me for a while now. But I did assume at the time that it was probably because I do live far away now.
While I never commented on any of the fight and the ensuing consequences (including just cutting him out completely) to mutual friends, I now realize that it couldn't have gone unnoticed and that I probably look like a jerk, probably having cost me a few friends in the process.
Belgara: If you pushed him away because you needed to protect your own emotional health, that isn't a fuck up, that's taking care of yourself.
However, the way it's done can be a fuck up. And that's what it sounds like here. Your frustration is understandable. Mental illness is hard on not only the person experiencing it, but their friends and family as well. It's understandable that you would feel frustrated after a certain point. But flipping out over a facebook thing, then blocking him without saying a word? C'mon, man.
fedupd: I did genuinely do it for my protection. I agree that the Facebook thing was stupid. Especially just not saying anything, that was cold. I've decided that I probably should just leave it alone at this point. As in, he seems to be fine now and it probably is best to leave sleeping dogs lie. I still feel like a jerk. But I probably deserve that tbh.
| 3 | 3 | |
1388894196 | 1389341860 | t3_1ufq6c | t5_2to41 | 22 | kiyoshi357: TIFU by taking a child who knows a few colourful words into a public place.
Okay so this wasn't today but reading stuff from TIFU just makes me think of my own fuck ups. So here is my first post on TIFU. Also just a warning this post will contain offensive language.
A year or so back I was looking after a young relative of mine and had to take them to the shops with me. Now this was the first part of my fuck up, knowing the kid does say bad words to get reactions (The child’s father uses some colourful language and intentionally teaches the kid too). On this particular Australian summer day it was damn hot so people were sitting in the shade outside between the two areas of shops and there were some black gentlemen sitting down in the shade… This point the child in question looks at them and says “My Niggers”. It took me a second to realise what had just happened but as soon as I did I apologised profusely to the men who were understandable pissed who proceeded to demanded I give them money or else I am going to have the shit kicked out of me. At this point I was rather scared (being not very athletic and asthmatic with poor lung capacity I can’t run for shit and, on the flip side, I can’t defend myself being a much shorter feminine male) standing there still trying to defuse the situation and one of them picks up a bag and puts their hand in it and obvious assumption is a weapon so I back up further towards the wall behind me but he doesn’t take his hand out of the bag. One of them then spits in my face which was absolutely disgusting as they smell of alcohol and tobacco and says “you gonna’ buy as smokes or give us money cunt or else”. This point I weighed up chances and decided that I would head over to an area with more people so I pick up the kid who then says “nigger man” (yeah after that the little shit did it again) and I apologised moving as quickly as I could trying to hold onto a kid to keep them quiet with these men spitting at me still. Meanwhile teenage me is carrying a 3-4 year old kid trying to keep them from saying anything and I am sure this looks great for anyone watching… especially police. The kid didn’t know just how close we came to being stabbed, mugged or anything else. I would hate to imagine what would have happened if other people were not around to deter them.
TL;DR When they say don’t deal with kids or animals it is a good idea not to. Also don’t take a kid who swears or uses bad language to get a reaction anywhere. Also get your shopping ahead of time if this is the case.
(also sorry for shitty grammar. It isn't exactly my strong point)
Jasondazombie: You slap that kid and tell him YOU NEVER EVER FKING SAY THAT AGAIN.
kiyoshi357: Not my kid so as far as discipline goes it isn't my responsibility. Besides physical punishment doesn't work in this kid anyway so it is a case of take away stuff until behaviour improves or the lesson is learned.
whelp_welp: So, I'm assuming nothing was ever returned. Unless this happened a while ago, and the child has since improved.
kiyoshi357: Oh yeah. The child in question is much better now days.
| 5 | 4.4 | |
1388911493 | 1389478902 | t3_1ug87n | t5_2to41 | 101 | 2dccbpm31: TIFU by Shaving my Pubes in my Gandparent's shower.
A true low point in my life right here, but I'm not even going to make a throwaway because I have no self-respect.
Well I've been on a family holiday the last few weeks and I haven't had the slightest reason to trim the bush at all. Believe me when I tell you, it was abounding down there and now that I am home I felt as if maybe something should be done.
I find my razor and get to work, the hair falling as thick and fast as the Amazon Rainforest. About mid way through the deforestation I realise I have a huge problem. The drain has been clogged by my pubes. They aren't going down, and were now floating around the shower, getting inbetween my toes and such.
Naturally, I begin to panic, as this is not my house and I've been in here showering for around 30 minutes now. Attempting to pick up pube by pube seemed insanely illogical to me, but it was all I could think of doing, as the gaps for water to flow through the drain were too thin to let the density of this clusterfuck down, even after I've been going for 10 minutes.
Eventually, with the use of a flannelette towel which will never be used again, I got the majority of the goods picked up and into the bin. The ones that remained, that could flow down the drain did so and that was fine. Mind you, this resolution(ish) occurred after a solid 45 minutes in the shower and after multiple knocks on the door to hurry the fuck up.
To rub salt in my wounds, I've only completed half the shave, which means round two tomorrow. Wish me luck.
[deleted]: would you say you had a wookie in a leg lock going on?
2dccbpm31: To say the least!
40037044: Is that you Adin?
2dccbpm31: Is that you Tim?
40037044: Yeah dawg hahahah
| 6 | 16.833333 | |
1388946879 | 1388978909 | t3_1uh1rd | t5_2to41 | 457 | IRideVelociraptors: Fuck-Up of the Year Awards: Final Round!
After our initial round of nominations, voting has left us with 2 contenders for FUOTY 2013.
Our first finalist is [intothewilder](/u/intothewilder) with [TIFU by playing a ThinkGeek practical joke. The Canadian FBI was called and I nearly killed my 17-year career](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1f86yl/tifu_by_playing_a_thinkgeek_practical_joke_the/) on May 28th.
Our other finalist is [shamefulthroway123](/u/shamefulthroway123) with [TIFU by accidentally stabbing my friend with a kitchen knife]( http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1tz9ou/tifu_by_accidentally_stabbing_my_friend_with_a/) on December 30th, just squeezing in before the deadline.
Vote for one of the two finalists in the comments.
Contest mode is enabled so that only mods can see the vote tallies. ***THE WINNER WILL BE DECIDED BY UPVOTES ONLY***, so please do not downvote the posts.
If you want to discuss or talk about the finalists, please respond to the nomination comment instead of leaving a new comment. **All other comments will be removed.**
IRideVelociraptors: [shamefulthroway123](/u/shamefulthroway123) | [TIFU by accidentally stabbing my friend with a kitchen knife]( http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1tz9ou/tifu_by_accidentally_stabbing_my_friend_with_a/) | 12/30/13
>He's in the hospital right now so I am writing this to make some sense of how stupid I am.
>Basically I was bored last night and I called up my friend and a pizza (our plan was to play some video games and just generally be chill)
>I got bored so I began setting up the table for where we would eat. I placed a knife on the table and sat down. I waited for a while and I don't really recall why but I began thinking about if I could still throw a knife like I could before. (I practiced throwing knives as a kid)
>Basically I pick up the knife and start playing it with my hands and after some time I decided I would do it. I didn't want to damage anything valuable to I dragged my [bean bag chair](http://www.foamsolutions.ca/images/beanbag%20cutaway.jpg) to the other side of the room and lined up a shot.
>The pizza arrives and I fix some money to go get it and I place it on the table and begin playing some video games.
>About twenty minutes later my friend arrives and long story short he throws himself onto my bean bag chair.
>**TL:DR Put a knife inside my bean bag and forgot about it. Friend threw himself at it and impaled himself**
The_Bug_L: Did he die? That last update sounds bad...
IRideVelociraptors: I don't think it was ever clarified fully.
Epikmunch: Nope he never clarified. Man I would never be able to live with the guilt :/ I really hope his friend is ok.
Jrook: Honestly it would have to be carastrophic for him not to recover
BipolarMosfet: And it was only a few days ago, right? My guess is that he's not dead, but not recovered yet either
erutuFniatpaC: His recovery will take a long time till he is going to get out of the hospital, if he isn't going to spend the rest of his life in there. That was a really shitty accident.
| 8 | 57.125 | |
1388951680 | 1388955848 | t3_1uh8ox | t5_2to41 | 52 | NineFeetUnderground: TIFU. Hoverzoom + The "level 10 Fisting" gif on the front page = an extremely awkward conversation with non-redditor roommate.
Walked away, ignored the mouse; fisting gif just opens & starts playing on a loop.
Thanks for that one Reddit.
the_wiqaner: I believe a link is needed... For science
Dagegen: [For science]
(http://de.reddit.com/r/WTF/comments/1ugpm9/rubbing_a_belly_from_the_inside_fisting_level_10/)
the_wiqaner: Well, that's... something else.
NineFeetUnderground: Yup, that's the one. casually on a loop on my screen....
| 5 | 10.4 | |
1388950908 | 1388997331 | t3_1uh7jn | t5_2to41 | 583 | PixelOrange: A 3 year old TIFU story!
Telling this for my 3 year old since he's too young.
My son has recently acquired the power to break wind on command. He's more adept at channeling nature's forces than Captain Planet. So he was tooting his own horn for his mother and giggling after each klaxon blast. Three times he summoned forth his abilities. On the fourth blast, there was no giggle. There was only a look of shock and horror. After a moment, his face turned to a frown. My wife asked him, "Did you poop your pants?"
My son trusted a fart at the ripe age of 3 and reset the counter. That's my boy.
GrumpyGiraffe: I think we should make this sub r/shitmyself
LinkFixerBotSnr: /r/shitmyself
*****
^This ^is ^an [^automated ^bot](http://github.com/WinneonSword/LFB)^. ^For ^reporting ^**problems**, ^contact ^/u/WinneonSword.
imnotarobot1: r/gofuckyourselflinkfixerboysnr
bejoe905: Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed...
imnotarobot1: Fuck you and your thoughts, Joe.
| 6 | 97.166667 | |
1388973751 | 1389430225 | t3_1ui6pp | t5_2to41 | 1,832 | tyler123321: TIFU by calling our hostess a faggot.
Today me, my step brother, and my best friend all went out to lunch. Me and my step brother are generally dicks to each other. When he does something for me, or I do something for him, we say "Thanks, faggot" sometimes. It's become very subconscious.
Today we went to lunch and the hostess seated us and said "Here you go, have a nice meal." and I said "Thanks, faggot." I felt so bad, but my step brother couldn't stop laughing.
NinjaMom728: This is one of those fuck ups your brain will never let you forget.
RageGodReed: Yeh it really is, I called a priest a cunt once. Same deal as op, I usually say "cheers, cunt" to my brother, but accidentally let it slip when thanking a priest at my little brothers christening. We all had a good laugh at it later though
Xeno4494: The world is a much better place when people aren't offended by every other word that comes out of someone's mouth.
ComedicSans: Pretty sure cunt isn't just "every other word". If it is, then perhaps you need to invest in a thesaurus and a dictionary.
chuckychub: It's almost like people are from other countries where dialects are different. Cunt may be a dirty word in the US, but it's tossed around nonchalantly in, say, Australia.
ComedicSans: Cunt's still a dirty word in Australia. They just delight in being crass.
Source: I'm a New Zealander.
milkymoocowmoo: Get a load of this cunt right here
Source: Australian
rainbowplethora: That kiwi cunt can't tell cunt from cunt.
ComedicSans: Do you call your mother a cunt? Didn't think so.
afuckingdoorknocker: Yes
Source: Australian who calls his mother a cunt.
Disclaimer: we find humour in it
ComedicSans: Yes. Hilarious...
afuckingdoorknocker: We don't easily get offended by words. I don't see how it's bad that we can find humour in a word
ComedicSans: At the end of the day, you're still calling your own mother a cunt.
afuckingdoorknocker: It's a shame you are so easily offended by words
ComedicSans: I'm not offended. It's not my mother. It's just so childish, delighting in using edgy words is something I grew out of when I was a kid.
afuckingdoorknocker: Well if you don't like acting childish every once in awhile you're missing out on a lot of fun.
| 17 | 107.764706 | |
1388976408 | 1388987672 | t3_1uiams | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally deleting the most important videos I've ever taken in my life. Now they are gone forever.
In 2011 I started doing monthly videos where I talked about my life and what happened that month, like a diary. The videos were about 20 minutes long and I literally talked about every secret and everything I did that month. The music I liked, all the people I met, the funniest thing that happened that month, what I did every friday, etc. Not only that but 2011 and 2012 were the best years in my life. And I had recorded everything that happened!
2013 ended and I decided to watch them all. I had almost 36 videos (forgot some months). So after watching like 5 videos (and having a blast remembering all those good memories) I decided to transfer them to a hard drive and then transfer them to my laptop so I could watch them in my bed. So after I transferred all the videos (not sure how many gb, but close to 60) I decided to clean the hard drive and delete all the useless files.
Finally the hard drive was clean. I moved all the folders to a single one so I had 2 folders: The useless one and the diary videos. Then I deleted the first folder and a message appeared: The file is too big to recycle, do you want to permanently delete it? and I clicked yes. Minutes later the hard drive was ready. Only one folder with all those memories! I can watch it years from now and remember how I was before! Well I was wrong. I opened the folder to see another video and surprise! I thought the folder was called 'videos' but it actually was 'vids'. And there they were, some random videos that I had downloaded from youtube. And my diary videos? Gone. Gone forever.
This just happened a moment ago and I'm dying. If someone knows how to recover files and tells me how to do it I would really appreciate it. thanks
Hwy61Revisited: Are diary videos really the most important videos of your life?
AppleSponge: Youre not helping.
Hwy61Revisited: This subreddit isn't about helping.
IamSeth: Life is about helping. Don't be an asshole.
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1388975202 | 1389015758 | t3_1ui8t4 | t5_2to41 | 18 | Yesterdays_tomorrows: TIFU by getting blacked out drunk with my best friend and my girlfriend
Well it was actually about two days ago. Hadn't seen my friend in awhile, but little did anyone know I was a bit horny and wanted to do naughty things with my girlfriend.
Friend texted and asked to hang out, asked my girlfriend what she wanted to do since it was a choice between Chillin with a friend and my girlfriend, or trying to s seduce my girlfriend into sexy time.
Fast forward, my girlfriend and I are picking up booze and my friend is enroute in a cab.
We are hanging out drinking and talking, random things come up, she wanted to see if he saw the risky click double dicked link on reddit. He didn't, she said show him, we found it to show, start joking about pickup lines whatever, then start talking about a friend who used to guess girls Boob sizes as a pickup line, we were joking about that.
By this point I was blacked out and got many details fed to me, but I asked her to show him her boobs and apparently pulled her shirt down or up or something.
I feel bad but the most I could do was say sorry to everyone.
TL;DR got blacked out drunk, tried to show my best friend my girlfriends awesome boobs by trying to move her shirt out of the way.
diamondnatural: thats all? wheres the bad part?
Yesterdays_tomorrows: The bad part was she was pissed for two days up until I posted here. Not too bad I guess
Nozphexezora: Oh well. You *were* drunk. And it's not like you murdered somebody and left the body in her closet to surprise her the next day.
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1388977539 | 1388989847 | t3_1uicdb | t5_2to41 | 28 | kaythxbai: TIFU by forgetting to take my phone out of my pocket before going in the water at the beach
That's pretty much it. Phone is in a bag of rice now, but I don't have high hopes as it was a good 15 minutes before I realised.
nblracer880: TIFU - Live where I would be in a bag if I tried going into the water at a beach today.
~Live in Illinois. Wind chills are expected to reach close to -50˚F
vertstang86: You mean that frozen wasteland you call a lake? ಠ_ಠ
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1388981315 | 1389033485 | t3_1uihsl | t5_2to41 | 65 | tshowalt: TIFU by giving my best friend a computer virus
Okay so I've been using some foreign ass random website to watch movies that haven't been released onto DVD yet because I'm a cheap bastard and don't want to pay to go to a theater. Well I found that movie "Lone Survivor" in perfect quality and my friends wanted to watch it, so I gave the link to my friend and then this happened.
http://i.imgur.com/mxsS8Of.jpg?1
Also I use a Mac Book and he uses a Windows based laptop so I don't know how websites work with those style of computers using different websites.
analcuntisagoodband: Can you tell me what virus it was?
tshowalt: I couldn't tell ya. He lives about 2 hours from me with not a whole lot of computer smarts like myself. If I find out I'll let you know.
analcuntisagoodband: Pm me and I'll find a fix
MissaRosa: You're a good person
| 5 | 13 | |
1388995248 | 1389036219 | t3_1uixmk | t5_2to41 | 3 | Yesterdays_tomorrows: TIFU by being myself
Apparently I am annoying, not liked, and don't necessarily need to be cared about.
woodbury419: Reddit can overlook your flaws..
Yesterdays_tomorrows: Reddit is amazing
tokewithnick: Reddit is love, Reddit is life
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1389026958 | 1389153111 | t3_1ujpye | t5_2to41 | 1,006 | WeedBabyThrowaway: TIFU by Turning My Back On A 1 Year Old
I work full time as a nanny, and I love my job. I work for an awesome couple who have an equally awesome daughter. I'm living the dream.
Now, the father had worked extra shifts over the weekend and the mother had had some things to do, so the house isn't quite as orderly today as usual, which is no big deal. Also, the house is set up in such a way that they can perform all of their usual morning activities without ever entering the living room (yes, this is important for the story).
Anyway, this morning started out like any other. I came to work, chatted with the father before he left, fed the baby breakfast, and settled in for a cozy day. After cleaning up from breakfast we moved into the living room so she could play and I could straighten up a bit. There were some small toys scattered in a corner by the toy box, some larger toys on the other side of the room, and a closed shoebox in the middle of the floor. The baby toddled off towards the large toys so I began straightening cushions and the like while keeping an eye on her. When I moved to put the small toys in their toybox I noticed her sit down next to the shoebox.
Now, anyone who knows kids knows they LOVE boxes, and they are the type of family to leave stuff like tupperware containers and such out for her to explore, so I thought nothing of it. I turned to pick up a handful of toys and when I turned back around to look at her she had the top off the shoebox and AN UPENDED BAGGIE OF POT DUMPED IN HER LAP. My eyes had been averted for no more than 10 or 15 seconds. After a brief flash of shock I lunged across the room and scooped her up out of the pile. I brushed off her pants in a panic, but she REEKED of pot. We hurried upstairs where I stripped her pants and socks off and "washed" her with a baby wipe. Once she was pot-stink free and redressed in fresh pants, we moved back downstairs to the living room where I contemplated my next move.
I had no way of knowing how the box was arranged before she opened it, so I had no chance of putting it back the right way and they were obviously going to know I had gone through it. Also, could you vacuum up pot? (you can) Had the baby somehow gotten some in her mouth? (she hadn't) After dealing with the mess and putting everything up high (no pun intended) I put the baby down for a nap and texted the mother asking her to call me when she had a few minutes. I'm still waiting for that call.
I have absolutely no problem with them smoking pot, it doesn't bother me at all. And I understand the box was accidentally left out, shit happens. They probably figured they would get it in the morning and then forgot and never noticed since neither of them had walked through the living room. I just hope they're as understanding of me taking my eyes off their child long enough for her to make the mess.
tl;dr Never turn your back on a baby or else they will make a huge mess of their parents weed stash.
UPDATE: Sorry this took so long, its been a crazy day!
So mom called and I attempted to *humorously* explain the situation. She. Is. MORTIFIED. She started apologizing profusely and I can hear the beginning of tears in her voice. I tried to reassure her that yes, everything is fine, no, I'm not uncomfortable with the situation, and that it was a totally understandable mistake. She got off the phone pretty quickly after that which I attributed partially to her obvious embarrassment and partially to the fact that she was in the middle of work. I'm sure things will work out ok, but we're going to have to talk it over face-to-face before they are convinced that I'm not going to freak out and call the cops or something.
[FINAL UPDATE: THE AFTERMATH](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1upze4/tifupdate_pot_baby/)
Metal_Badger: IIRC vacuuming up pot is a bad idea, I don't remember why but I remember something about jets of hot pot stink.
WeedBabyThrowaway: I'm not particularly versed in cleaning up pot related messes, so unfortunately that was the option I went with.
GrimResistance: I read that the best way to do it is to put a paper towel over the vacuum hose so it will catch everything.^^^and ^^^then ^^^you ^^^roll ^^^it ^^^up ^^^and ^^^smoke ^^^it.
fifth_sun: jesus christ... thank you.
Another_Desk_Jockey: Use pantyhose. You're welcome.
MrBig0: I hope you guys like smoking carpet lint, hair and dust with your weed.
8lu15h: Like that is any worse than the bug parts and outdoors-type materials that come with lots of stash. Tell me you can tell much difference between a seed husk and a bug exoskeleton.
kcbear27: Where the fuck do you get your pot? Not everyone gets to grow it in their garage, i get that. but Clean shit is not that hard to come by in most regions.
8lu15h: Pot grown outdoors is susceptible to animal and insect feces, windblown particles like hair, dirt, polluted rain water and ground water. Tell me your outdoor grown pot is clean and I will laugh.
kcbear27: Okay. pot grown outside can still grow in pots, so there goes your ground water. Yeah, polluted rainwater is a matter, but thats the same rain you let fall on you and everything else you eat that grows outside. Wind blown particles are not a matter, they arent going to unnaturally stick in excess to any certain plant, they would simply be brushed off. and if you have a problem with bugs shitting all over it then that's your problem. there would be no less shit on it than there is on anything else grown in a safe outdoor environment. It's not gunna be perfect, but god damn if i'll ever see a bag noticeably contaminated with that shit and buy it.
Pantherpelt: Good thing you bring a magnifying glass everywhere you go!!
| 12 | 83.833333 | |
1389024450 | 1389033389 | t3_1ujmdv | t5_2to41 | 22 | Smithburg01: TIFU by throwing a heavy dog toy at a newborns face
So my sis and brother in law and their newborn were visiting, and while I was playing with the dog throwing his toy around I sort of just let go at the wrong time, flinging it right into the baby's face who then started crying uncontrollably. My brother in law said it was ok but I have never felt such horror before...
[deleted]: If there is a scar prepare for CPS to take him away for months/years.
MissaRosa: Uh, no. Accidents happen.
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1389027244 | 1389111633 | t3_1ujqcl | t5_2to41 | 29 | jazzymouse: TIFU by scratching my balls after applying vix vapour rub.
So, you guy's know what that is right? Vix Vapour rub, the stuff to combat an extremely snotty nose. Well, last night I went out and picked up a few pots (slightly overzealous I know), rushed home and got into my jam jam's as you do when you're suffering from extreme man flu. I read the extra large tub of vix anxiously only to give up and rip the top off it. I stuck my nose in, mmm... YES! this will rid me of my agony. Mwahaha!
I started applying the vix all over my collar and neck, even swiping a tad across my moustache. Whilst I was doing this I had one of those very distinct itches on my sack. The guy's will know exactly what I mean by this. It's one of those itches that you HAVE to realign, regardless of what situation you're in. No biggie. I'll run to the loo and wash my hands qui...WTF? que the screaming coming from downstairs...
My puppy pissed on the new sofa. Great. You may think this is slightly off topic. But this right here is the key point where I fucked up today.
The distraction.
I was so distracted by the piss stained sofa I had forgotten about the more important issue of vix vapour smothered into my hands and a sack with the most colossal of itches that was screaming at me to be pulled, scratched and mauled at.
It happened. As I stood there frantically looking at the dog and sofa I looked down to catch my hand down my boxers giving my balls the best tug and scratch of it's life. I froze.
Now, I'm not a stupid man, I know what happens when you apply this sort of medication to sensitive patches of skin, It'll inflame into hell itself, obviously. But I didn't want to believe this. I stopped immediately and basked in the delight of not having itchy ballsack. 5 minutes go by and nothing... YES! It's not burning, I escaped it's fury of pain.
20 minutes later I'm sitting there with the SO (the screamer from earlier) and it hits me. I feel my face go white and pale with cold sweat slowly creating a film across my face. Meanwhile my balls feel like their being blow torched with rocket fuel. Man. The agony. I bolted to the bathroom, rip off my jam jam's and what do I see?
Balls the size of a grapefruit. A literal pair of testicles the size of a fruit that balls should not be the fucking size of. I screamed like a girl. Catching the attention of my SO, she runs upstairs and blasts the bathroom door open to see an average sized man with shrinking penis (c'mon, I was scared) and balls the size of a bitter fruit. Yeah, you guessed it... she screamed. I don't know why it shocked me, I knew it was coming, though the sound of the scream still made my balls shiver. Ouch.
Anyway, this is becoming a tl;dr so lets cut to the part where I'm entering the minor injury's unit at 11pm with a pair of ever increasing in size balls and a girlfriend treating me like it's the end of my life as she knows it. When it finally got round to being pre-checked to (I guess) determine the course of action the doctors and nurses need to take, they ask me what I was doing and what they thought had caused the massive inflammation. As the doctor was asking I distinctly remember her looking and me with a very strange and disconcerting look. The kind of look I imagine a doctor to give a patient that's stuck silverware up their arse. She obviously thought me and the SO was one of these couples that are into some freaky weird mutilation.
I couldn't give a shit. I immediately blurted everything that had happened in a mumbled and panicky struck voice. Her disproving look completely disappeared and a look of compassion swipes over her face. As she starts talking about whats needed as a treatment, she also tell's how this wouldn't be the first time she's had to deal with this.
Ladies and Gentleman, I know you're not a stupid bunch. But for the love of all things mighty in the world. Never, ever get any sort of cold treating gelatin near your genitals.
TL;DR I was applying vix vapour rub (the combatant of colds and flu's) on myself only to get distracted and scratch my balls with medicinal gelatin covered all over my hands. Thus leading to an evening in hospital with testicles the size of a balloon.
AppleBerryPoo: What was the fix? (Just in case, ya know?)
jazzymouse: ibuprofen. I was told to wait and take ibuprofen. Embarrassing as it is.
ForTheBloodGod: So they just gave you some Advil and told you to sit?
jazzymouse: That's the jist of it. You ever heard of sudo cream? I smeared that all over and helped the soothing.
ForTheBloodGod: Nope, but I heard that you can also grind up Advil add a little water and it can reduce inflammation if you rub it on your sore/irritated spots.
| 6 | 4.833333 | |
1389033324 | 1389137084 | t3_1ujzsx | t5_2to41 | 223 | [deleted]: TIFU by wetting my boyfriends bed and blaming it on his grandma
This didn’t happen today but I only just found out the implications of what I did, so it sort of counts.
Basically, over the Christmas period my boyfriend’s grandma had been staying in his bed, as she lives a four hour drive away and the family wanted her to be there for Christmas. He’d been relegated to the couch, so we hadn’t been able to spend any ‘quality time’ together for about a week. Anyway, she left on New Year’s Day, and obviously, I went round right away, and we spent a glorious evening together, which led to us falling asleep in each other’s arms. Cute. During the night, I had a dream that I was on the toilet, but didn’t wake up and thought nothing of it. Hours later I then proceeded to wake up, feel the bed around me and it was absolutely soaked, that ‘dream’ I had, was obviously me wetting the bed, and not just a little bit, literally a flood, the area around both our bodies was absolutely drenched. I then started panicking, I love my boyfriend to bits, and he would probably very understanding about it, but I’m a 19 year old girl; I most definitely should not be wetting the bed. I then lie there for the next 3 hours, desperately trying to think of an excuse, I thought of blaming him, but on closer inspection, the front of his boxers was dry, whilst both sides where he had been lying in my piss were wet, it couldn’t have been him. In the end, I decide on trying to pretend that a drink or something must have spilt in the night, and that is why the bed was wet. I gently poked him awake and said ‘Ben, Ben, why is the bed all wet’ thinking that he’d get up, and I could quickly change the sheets before he would notice the smell, however, that was not to be. As soon as he woke up, noticed the wet bed, he knew it was piss. Without giving me 30 seconds to own up and apologise, he starts screaming for his mum, who then comes in with his sister to see what the matter is. I couldn’t bring myself to say it in front of his mum and sister that I’d just wet the bed so I just stayed quiet, until what sounded like the perfect excuse came out of his mum’s mouth ‘oh my god, I’m so sorry to you two, it must have been my mother’. I didn’t lie, she just assumed. She thought that although she’d changed the sheets, the mattress underneath must have been wet, and when we’d been lying on it all night it had soaked through the sheet. I saw this as a perfect opportunity to avoid a very embarrassing situation in front of not only my boyfriend but now his family as well, so I just stood there quiet, thanking god for that lovely 85 year old woman.
However, this bit I feel incredibly guilty about. His mother then rang her brother, who the grandmother is now staying with, and told him that he should put a mattress protector on his bed in case her mother had any more ‘mishaps’, so now the entire family think that this sweet old lady is incontinent. As if this wasn’t bad enough, the brother then tried to talk with the grandmother about this, and she flat out denied wetting the bed, and got extremely offended and upset that she had been accused of doing so, and even more offended and upset that nobody believed her when she said she hadn’t. She denied it so venomously (and rightly so, because she hadn’t in fact done it) that the brother began to doubt her grasp on reality, as she is very old, and her mother had suffered from dementia. My boyfriend just rang me saying that the family thinks that his grandma is starting to ‘lose her marbles’, and they are unsure how long she can continue to live on her own for without being a danger to herself. I feel absolutely awful, but there is no way on god’s green earth I can admit responsibility now.
(sorry this is so long, but I really needed to get this off my chest)
tl;dr Don’t wet the bed, and if you do, don’t blame it on vulnerable old people
G00dDay: The true fuck up will come if you one day realise you ruined this woman's relationship with her family. Sorry brah, definitely have to come clean.
SixOneOne: Don't say brah
tileflour: Why's that bruh?
[deleted]: Cause bronies hate it when you say brah, bruf.
tileflour: Oh well in that case brah I might think about saying it some more.
| 6 | 37.166667 | |
1389039457 | 1389049989 | t3_1uk9sr | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: Sending the wrong text to the wrong person. I fucked up Reddit. Accepting feels and advice. (sorry for length)
truthcanbequestioned: Beg, plead upon you knees if necessary. Find xbox guy and drag him to her place. Then do something seriously over the top. Maybe even cheesy over the top, to make her laugh. The ability to laugh at stupid shit is vital to a relationship.
[deleted]: Eh I'm more than capable of doing all of this, and "cheesy stupid over the top" is definitely my style.
However, her reaction to this I think says something about her as a person, and not a good thing. I think I'd rather just let her go.
LRats: I agree to let her go, if she is going to do this over a stupid misunderstanding then she isn't worth it.
[deleted]: Yeah I'm totally "over her" ...i mean I'm not obsessed with her at all in any way.
I am having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that I actually did this though. I mean... I just question how the fuck its even possible to make such a monumental error, especially given the fact that I don't think I have ever done anything like this before.
LRats: eh it happens to the best of us. If anything you'll be more careful in the future.
[deleted]: I don't even know. I mean the more I think about it, the more confused I get as to how something like that happened.
Its like I just pulled my phone out and sent it to any random contact without bothering to look at all.
| 7 | 2.857143 | |
1389043332 | 1389116557 | t3_1ukgbe | t5_2to41 | 43 | beanieman54: TIFU by spitting on a truck parked next to me
I come out of class, tired and dazed from my first day ever at this college. And there I see next to my car, a big lifted pick-up truck parked like a complete jackass next to me. The angle was like this:
|\ The straight line being my car and the slash is his truck. The rear of his truck pretty much was going to force me to do some tricky Austin Power maneuvering to get out of my spot. Not to mention there was literally about 3 inches between our vehicles.
I kind of stared in disbelief for a moment. And all I could think was: "fuck. This. Prick."
So I got in my car, started her up, and while waiting for traffic to allow me to back up, I hawked a good one onto his passenger window. Feelin mildly satisfied I was about to start backing up when lo and behold; the douche comes walking from the building he was in. He hasn't seen the spit.
He approaches me slightly and started to say "Oh dude... Uhh I'm sorry I parked like that, I thought maybe-" and then his eyes trailed to his window. Where my gift was still glistening in the afternoon light.
He looked at me, and before he or I could form a thought, I shrugged and said "Whoops." Then I backed out and gtfo.
That's gonna be awkward if I ever see him in the halls. :/
LegendaryPooper: You didn't fuck up. Fuck that dude.
xank79: He may not have had a choice but to park like that. The car on the other side may have left him no option.
LegendaryPooper: I've been in situations like that before. I just found another spot instead of parking my land yachet to where I was fucking the next guy. I also don't like people dinging my shit.
Smelcome: or keying it. i don't park like a douche because i don't want my car to get keyed/etc. plain and simple. unwritten rule
BrokenByReddit: I don't park like a douche because I'm not a douche. To each their own, though.
Smelcome: yeah that's a good point.. i'm not a douche anyway.
| 7 | 6.142857 | |
1389049156 | 1389050801 | t3_1ukq4b | t5_2to41 | 22 | rawbery79: TIFU by answering the call of nature.
A bit of background: I work at a reasonably well known national coffee shop but in the Midwest. It's been cold as FUCK here, didn't get above zero today. Our thermostat is kind of messed up, and for some reason, to keep the rest of the store at a reasonable temperature, the entryway and the bathrooms get hot...REALLY hot. So hot we've had several customer comments, but anyway...
So I get to work and I have a jacket on because dammit, once again, I'm on drive-thru. I'm there for a bit when my boss steps off the floor and poof! I'm on bar. Hooray! Love making drinks next to that hot, hot espresso machine. So I'm happily making drinks, talking to customers, humming the song stuck in my head (Copacabana--yeah, I know) when suddenly, it hits me...you know what I mean...that heavy feeling in your gut, like a lead balloon cased in concrete, the feeling that screams with your every being, "I SUDDENLY AND IMMEDIATELY HAVE TO TAKE A SHIT RIGHT NOW."
Unfortunately, I was in the middle of a busy time, so I mentally talked myself down, refocused on what I was doing, and waited ten or so minutes for another person to come to work. That was a tough ten minutes. I look at the clock every two drinks. 7:47. 7:50. 7:51. (fuck!) 7:55. 7:59? SHIT! She's late! Finally, she rushes in, and says "Does anyone have an apron? I forgot mine."
...ugh.
I immediately take her aside and say,
**"canyoupleasecoverformerealquickIhavetogotothebathroomthanks!"**
and dash towards the bathroom, nearly forgetting to take off my apron, grab the door, shut it behind me, lock the door, and sit down, expecting to lose a pound or two in there, with the way my gut is feeling.
I sit down, do what you do...nothing. I scrunch up my face, make a little more effort...nothing. I try to relax and not think about it...nothing.
Meanwhile, the heat starts getting to me. I ditch the jacket on the wooden chair that is in there. I pull the chair next to me, put my feet on it, thinking of that article that came out with the new "best way to poop position". Nothing.
The heat is unbearable, the feeling in my gut is equally unbearable. I get up, waddle to the sink, wet a paper towel, and put it on the back of my neck. Nothing, and now I'm getting even hotter. Sweat starts pouring down my neck, and all I can think of is ***"I have to get some of these clothes off of me NOW or I am going to DIE."***
I quickly strip off my polo. The sweat is rolling down my face now, rolling down my chest, down my sides, down my back. I'm still not cool enough. The bra comes off. So now I'm sitting on the toilet, at work, completely topless, drenched in sweat. And still...nothing. I take off the snow boots I didn't get taken off when I got to work because suddenly my feet are a million degrees TOO.
It just seems to get hotter and hotter and hotter...my hair is drenched in sweat and it's rolling into my eyes and all over my glasses like it's a 90° day. (I don't honestly know HOW hot it was in there, but it was HOT.) I start feeling overwhelmed and light headed. I pull the chair closer, put my arms on it parallel to each other, and put my head down, trying to collect myself, trying to calm down, trying to cool down, and trying to **DO WHAT I WENT IN THERE FOR IN THE FIRST PLACE.**
I close my eyes for a few seconds, until the unbearable sauna feeling passes, and I feel cooler, even though the temperature in the room feels like it has not dropped even a tenth of a degree. I lift my head up off of my arms, and when I pick my arms up off the chair, there are two arm shaped piles of sweat on the chair. I feel like I've run a marathon--and I don't run. I give up on what I came in there for, get up, put my clothes back on, and look in the mirror. My hair is a mess, my face is red, I look BAD. I try to compose myself as best as I can, but now that I'm vertical, my next thought is to get the hell out of there, get a big glass of water, and get the HELL out of these STIFLING boots into my work shoes.
I burst out of Dante's Inferno, come back up front, and grab my apron as I walk towards the back. All my coworkers are look at me with startled faces. "Are you okay?!?" my one coworker asks. "You were in there for 15 or 20 minutes!"
...shit, really?
Sure enough, it was **8:18.** I SWORE I had only been in there five minutes. From what I can tell, my body's "oh shit, we gotta...shit!" feeling combined with the "holy hell, these below zero temperatures are awful but I didn't want to get warm like THIS" did not make for a good combination, and I PASSED OUT. It's really the only explanation I can think of, and especially considering all the other times I have passed out in my life I have woken up just as drenched in sweat as I was when I walked out of that hot room of death.
Back to the drive-thru I went, to cool off...at one point I was in the window in -15 temps in short sleeves, and it felt AMAZING. I did cool off significantly later, and was freezing in the aforementioned jacket and a fleece over it.
I kept having those "uh...gotta GO." moments in my brain, but I patiently put them off until lunch, when I FINALLY got my moment of relief...and then I understood why I'd had the rock gut...but anyway...
Thank sweet baby Jesus I didn't melt this time, because when my boss came to me after I came back out and asked if I wanted to go home early sick, I exclaimed, "NO, but can you turn the thermostat down because I just passed out in the bathroom!!"
I almost should have gone home, just so I could die of embarrassment and shit in peace...but the rent doesn't pay itself...
**TL;DR** tried to take a shit at work, ended up passing out topless in the bathroom.
Jasondazombie: That...happens. Often.
rawbery79: Not the passing out part. I've never passed out trying to take a shit...until today.
Jasondazombie: Not that,I almost never stripped and I never pass out, and I don't wear bras cause I'm a guy(My correct grammar looks feminine to a lot of people.).
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1389049303 | 1389051030 | t3_1ukqel | t5_2to41 | 26 | puddlewonderfuls: TIFU by breaking a light fixture with my pants
This morning was my 3 yr anniversary with the SO, and right as we get out of bed he starts singing this little jingle and asks me to guess where It's from. I say Harry Potter, Wizard of Oz, Jurassic Park... It sounded so familiar. Then he says there are two answers and continues to sing it. Well I guess Peter Pan, which was kinda right and he keeps singing it telling me to keep going until he says the other answer is from an immersive Skyrim mod that I never would have guessed. Well in my annoyance I go to shake the wrinkles out of my jeans, flinging them over my head, and I snap the ceiling light, which falls on my head showering down shards of glass and a pant leg that covered most of my face from injury. I have a weird puncture wound on my hand and now the bedroom is unbearably bright. Sorry :(
tl;dr I threw my pants too high and shattered a ceiling light after hearing [this magical little tune](https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=xekV12yTKOQ#t=377) 100X
utan: SO here, can confirm. I spent the next hour hunting down small slivers of glass all over my room. I ended up rolling up the carpet so I can beat it once the weather improves.
puddlewonderfuls: [beat it](http://i.imgur.com/L6XznI9.gif) <3
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1389049931 | 1389055921 | t3_1ukri7 | t5_2to41 | 3 | Jasondazombie: MFFU By bringing the outside dog into the house
Hello, some of you might remember me as The Grandmother/Pepsi Guy, and we brought the dog,Lady into the house because the dang Canadians and their horrible winters put the top/eastern half of the USA
through turmoil. So far, the dog has snorted up the food of our Chihuahuas like crack and pissed two times on the floor, resulting in *another* Pepsi incident and slurped up all the little dogs' water.(That dog could drain a water park.) I can hear them talking now.
chanceguy123: What is MFFU?
Jasondazombie: My Family Fucked Up
| 3 | 1 | |
1389059863 | 1389302831 | t3_1ul7bv | t5_2to41 | 57 | Eddie_Morra: TIFU by accidentially showing a flight attendant a nude picture
This story is a little older but just came to my mind while reading the thread about obnoxious bevahiour of people on an airplane.
I was on my way back from a great trip on a cruise ship with my mother, her boyfriend and my brother. To save time we conveniently checked in online and had our tickets delivered to my mobile phone as pictures which I then sent to the others.
Everything was going smooth without any problems until we boarded our plane. There we had to show our mobile tickets...you can see where this is going. When I showed mine to the attractive blonde flight attendant she touched the screen of my phone with her index finger, causing a swipe to the next picture, which I had downloaded before while waiting at the gate. Said picture showed the private area of a female friend of mine. It took me a second to realize what has happened and I quickly pulled my phone back while she said something like "get away" in a commanding voice. I don't know if anybody else noticed what has happened but I hope nobody did. I quickly walked to my seat and felt embarassed for the rest of the flight.
To this day I still cringe when this story comes to my mind. I wonder why she touched my phone, I believe flight attendants aren't supposed to touch any of the passengers belongings unless required or asked to do so. Some months later I informed the airline of what has happened in order to tell their attendants not to touch passengers mobile phones because it could lead to awkward situations like mine. If she had just swiped in the other direction, it would have been just another ticket...:(
Randosity42: wait, why did she tell you to get off?
Eddie_Morra: Oh, I misworded that, she told me to "get away", not to "get off".
Socialist_Asshole: Freudian ~~penis~~ slip
| 4 | 14.25 | |
1389073119 | 1389476475 | t3_1ulr37 | t5_2to41 | 49 | IAmTooStupid: TIFU By Jerking Off At My Desk Without Listening For Knocks
I was doing my thing at my desk watching internet porn. I was really getting into it and wearing my headset so I couldn't hear anything but the porn track. Apparently my mother knocked on my door for something and I didn't hear her so after some amount of time passed she just opened the door. I was able to pull up my pants quickly but she still saw the porn site. So embarrassing.
This just happened like 10 minutes ago and I'm not looking forward to the awkward looks.
What's really fucked up is that this is not the first time I've been caught jacking off. Happened a couple years ago. I need to take more precautions with my masturbatory adventures.
IAmTooStupid: OP ashamedly here. I just left my room and had a brief conversation with my mom. She didn't say anything weird or act strangely. God, I hope it stays that way.
I hate awkwardness.
sl1887: how old are you, may i ask?
amplebooty: 24
Cosmic_Hitchhiker: 42...
Brian9816: Do you know where your towel is?
Cosmic_Hitchhiker: Its in my bag. Safety first.
| 7 | 7 | |
1389070229 | 1389078088 | t3_1uln65 | t5_2to41 | 2 | Tallrussian: TIFU By living a very unhealthy lifestyle all of my life.
So, I'll start it like this, ever since I was a baby I was very picky, I never liked veggies, besides broccoli, fruits wise I only liked plums and lemons, never liked sandwiches very much, unless they were straight up meat. I am repulsed by tuna, so for about 4 years I have been living a lifestyle of microwaved burritos and ramen, not entirely, but most of what I ate, after recently eating a Dominos pan pizza (TERRIBLE FUCKING IDEA) topped off with some burritos and a box of milk duds, with burritos topped, I had stayed on that toilet seat that night just having lava pour out of my ass. Today, I ate some burritos and have been on the toilet 4 times, I wiped so much that I scratched my ass, making blood patches come on the toilet paper, while the lava is still coming out of the volcano known as my body. So I sit now, with carrots being shoved in my mouth, with me thinking about what I need to do to have this never happen again, besides eat more veggies and fruits, take vitamins, etc. Guys/gals, I think this is the worst I have fucked up.
DaSaladMan: How's the fitness? Start slowly with veggies, don't suddenly overload. Eat boiled chicken and raw veggies, and drink plenty of water.
That's what I did in the same situation. Much healthier and slimmer now :)
Tallrussian: Very unfit. I really should excersize more. Thank you for the reccomendation. I never wanna have another experience like that again.
Irgudacro: Turn the bad into something good. Sometimes a sudden realization can become motivation in terms of changing your lifestyle. For me it was when none of my clothes fit. Down 65lbs, eating healthier, and excersizing. Good luck to ya. You got this.
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1389101842 | 1389151687 | t3_1umeoj | t5_2to41 | 1,816 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking my id out on subway
**Back story:** I'm an intern at a large company, and I had just started yesterday. I received my ID and entrance card from the security officer, who specifically told me to keep it in a safe place so that it wouldn't drop when taking the transit.
**Today:** I was taking the subway, and I was taking the subway to work. I was about to get off the train and walk to my office, so I decided to take my ID and entrance card out of my pocket because I want to be efficient. As I was clipping it onto my belt, the door opened and a surge of people pushed forward to get out. During this, some dude pushed me and knocked it out of my hand, and I watched in slow motion while lunging after it while it fell right between the train and the platform.
Well fuck, so I ask if there were subway staff that could help me retrieve it. No luck.
Then I had to walk to the reception area where, you guessed it, the security officer that assigned me the ID and card. So I walk up to him, tell him that I dropped my card on the subway while he looked at me with the look of "What the fuck did I say not even 24 hours ago?".
And this is how you fuck up an internship and all future references in that company in one go.
tl;dr Tried to be efficient, fucked up like Major Fuckup
arabidkoala: > And this is how you fuck up an internship and all future references in that company in one go.
I don't think the security guard will have much say in giving you a good reference or not. He is just doing his job.
deathrider012: This. He's a security guard, not your hiring manager. Future employers won't call him nor care what he thinks about you.
karatechop_sanchez: Unless he's interning as a security guard...
ONE_ANUS_FOR_ALL: I'm interning as an on-the-go cilovlanmasına.
hmmwhatsthisdo: Good god, that i doesn't have a dot on it.
hobosaynobo: Tittle. It's missing a tittle.
PaperParakeet: I thought the cross of a t was a tittle, and the dot of an I was a pip. I'm lazy today. I refuse to look it up.
metalfan2680: The dot on an i and a j is called a tittle. The cross on a t is just called the cros. [Source](http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_the_dot_over_the_I_and_the_cross_over_the_T_called?)
| 9 | 201.777778 | |
1389113420 | 1389154357 | t3_1umt4a | t5_2to41 | 116 | [deleted]: TIFU by beating off while having a family reunion
Yeah, we are all guys and we need to..u know, lift the pressure. My calculation kind of dissapointed me though.
We had this kind of family reunion, with all my family participating. Yeah, my grandmothers too.
And then, suddenly I got this feeling I had to wank. Really dunno why I got this while spending my time with my grandmothers though.
I went to my room (located next door to where everyone was having a good time) and found my beloved headset and some wipes.
I started out, but the sound was barely there. I didn't think much of it anyway, turned up the volume to max and continued doing my thing.
Everything went smoothly. Until I found it out. My 3.5mm jack cable to my headset was never plugged in. The sound was always plugged to the expensive surround sound stereo system located in my room.
I couldn't hear a sound from the living room. When I finally got out, everyone was staring at me. As if I was a criminal.
The worst part was my grandmothers..
No more expensive gifts from them, I suppose.
Recap: I wasn't the only one "enjoing" my porn
[deleted]: Something I will never ever understand about some people and their sexuality.
Why MUST you have sex when your parents are staying over?
Why MUST you masturbate while the family is over?
How horny are you??
jutct: 13 year old
| 3 | 38.666667 | |
1389117056 | 1389118686 | t3_1umyt7 | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by hooking up with an old FWB from high school
So, a couple days ago an old FWB, who i didn't even know still had my number, texted me out of the blue and wanted to "hang out." Yesterday, we did end up "hanging out" with FWB just giving me a bj and leaving and everything seemed fine. As FWB was leaving they made a racist joke so I made one, we laughed, and FWB left.
Well, a few minutes ago, FWB texted me to let me know that apparently my dick was small and a disappointment. And then texted me again a couple minutes after that to also let me know that I'm uneducated and that everyone hates me. The worst part is I feel like I can't say anything because I don't want the situation to escalate and I can't let this get back to my parents because they have a rule about me having people over when I'm home alone. So yeah, apparently high school bullshit never ends.
TLDR: I would have been better off just shitting myself
vgalosky: So you made fun of her?
[deleted]: It was a light teasing, at the absolute worst case
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1389116680 | 1389128024 | t3_1umy7m | t5_2to41 | 35 | this_random_dude: TIFU by not asking my dream girl.
Yesterday I was on Virgin flight from San Francisco to Dallas and I completely fucked up by not asking the girl next to me out or even get her name.
While I was already seated on the plane, waiting for the rest of the plane to board I was hoping that I would get either (1) an attractive girl near my age, (2) someone small, (3) someone normal, and (4) someone who doesn't smell. While making awkward eye contact with every person who was attempting to find there seat there she was! Attractive young brunette looking at the window seat next to me! Holy fuck, after all the flights I have been on and the millions of times I have ran this scenario over in my head it was really happening.
I helped her get her stuff situated and helped her with her carry on bag. Immediately we started talking about her almost not getting on the flight, having the wrong gate, and other random airport small talk. Then basic small talk about each other, except I forgot to get her name like a schmuck! We talked for the first hour or so, then she watched my recommend pick Rush. We had on and off conversation for the rest of the flight, landing and taxiing, and then I did the conversational equivalent of the hover hand just awkwardly saying goodbye.
Now I'm just sitting at my desk at work sulking about the end of my vacation and lack of gumption when it mattered most.
TIFU but not getting the name or asking out a beautiful brunette from central California, who laughed at my jokes, is from a ranching/outdoorsy family, and pretty much my all around dream girl.
only1mrfstr: I was on a flight outside of L.A... really foggy morning and we hit some rough turbulence during take-off. there was a hot... HOT... blonde sitting next to me and when the turbulence hit, her hand gripped my knee fast and hard. She apologized, it was instinctual... no problem, I say... we laugh and joke a bit. She starts talking to the hot girl on the other side of her and turns out they are part of the same sorority. We exchange small talk for the short flight (just under an hour) and that's that... regretted never getting her name/number.
this_random_dude: right! this has been eating at me all day. i understand that 99.999999% this is a complete pipe dream but damn
only1mrfstr: if it's any consolation, 10 years later I'm married... not to airplane chick but married all the same
| 4 | 8.75 | |
1389125975 | 1389127628 | t3_1undq1 | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by not ditching the friend and possibly missing my chance
Or rather, Saturday I Fucked Up.
It starts with a girl (X), these posts usually do. I like her and friends think it's mutual.
On Saturday, I went out with her and a couple of her friends. So far so good. The end of the night came and it was time to walk everyone home. All three live in different halls, the two friends closest to where we were and X closest to me. We drop off friend 1 and all was good (I won't go into it, but there were signs of promise).
Then we went to drop off friend 2. I thought we'd just leave her at the gate, or maybe take her to her flat. She wanted X to go in and pick up her jacket, so in we went. Friend 2's boyfriend was there, and instead of staying, they both came with me and X to walk X home.
I was further ahead with X and she said she wanted to tell friend 2 and her boyfriend to go home, by this point it was late and cold, and that we'd be fine. Even better! Only problem was, friend 2 had X's keys and phone and wouldn't give them back.
So, we get to X's halls. She says goodbye to friend 2 and her boyfriend then X gets friend 2 to scan the fob to unlock the turnstile so she can go in. Then stops and turns round. Friend 2 then says 'you didn't say goodbye to /u/throwawayfuckup1'. Then X replied 'he's coming up with me'.
I head for the turnstile and friend 2 reluctantly scans the key again and go through. Then X sticks her hand through the railing for her keys, only for friend 2 and her boyfriend to go through as well.
We then all went to X's room stood around talking for a bit then friend 2 shooed me and her boyfriend out to talk to X and came out again a couple of minutes later saying X was asleep and gets us all to leave.
Fuck. My. Life.
I don't know what would have happened if we had managed to ditch friend 2, but I'm fairly sure it would have been something good.
Tl;Dr didn't manage to ditch the friend of the girl I like after a night out and missed a shot.
[deleted]: Not your fault that the friend was being overprotective. Were you all out drinking or something?
throwawayfuckup1: Yeah we were. That's what I thought as well, if was the first time I'd met the two friends and that one had been giving me the evil eye all night.
[deleted]: Happened to me a few times too. You just have to wait it out. You will get other chances to hang out with her, and it does sound like she is interested in you. Good luck
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1389130757 | 1389163354 | t3_1unlw7 | t5_2to41 | 1,016 | [deleted]: Fuck Up of the Year Awards! And the winner is...
[TIFU by playing a ThinkGeek practical joke. The Canadian FBI was called and I nearly killed my 17-year career](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1f86yl/tifu_by_playing_a_thinkgeek_practical_joke_the/), by /u/intothewilder! He won by 877 points! Congrats! You shall get a flair and your post on the sidebar.
The_Homestarmy: Good, that other one was full of shit.
JViz: Yeah, because bad things *never* happen.
The_Homestarmy: No, because it was fucking bullshit. Don't give me that condescending garbage.
1. Knife throwing is not something the average person does indoors. If you *do* decide to throw knives indoors, you pick a reasonable target. Let's think about bean bags for a second. What do they contain? Microscopic pieces of styrofoam that are an ass to get out of anything. You don't throw cutty things at bags full of things you don't want on the floor.
2. What exactly needs to happen to have a knife that has been thrown at a bean bag go at the 90 degree angle necessary for a knife to the chest to be possibly fatal? It would have to be thrown so the knife lands facing directly up, presuming the beanbag is completely flat. Otherwise, there's no way the knife would be able to stick directly into your chest.
JViz: You've obviously never lived with idiots.
The_Homestarmy: Yeah, idiots tend to find effective manners of defying physics with knives.
JViz: The contents of a bean bag chair are not solid, shit moves around inside them, especially when you're sitting down. Sharp stabby things have a tendency to stay on a particular course once they are even slightly inside the thing they are stabbing. The force on knife penetration can be almost perpendicular sometimes and it will still go straight in, and an entire person's body weight is plenty of force. We don't know what angle the knife was thrown and what angle the guy sat down, but it is definitely plausible.
The_Homestarmy: If we're debating this, it seems more likely that OP murdered his friend than that he "fell on the knife."
JViz: [Hanlon's Razor](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hanlon%27s_razor)
The_Homestarmy: "but don't rule out malice."
If I walked in on a dead friend with a knife in his stomach and a guy saying "he fell on the knife," I wouldn't exactly just say "well I guess he was just stupid."
JViz: I'm not ruling it out, I think that the stupidity is more likely. I've lived with enough idiots to know that this could happen. The only realistic way to tell whether or not he stabbed the guy is to find intent, and we can't do that through a TIFU post.
| 11 | 92.363636 | |
1389116404 | 1389137614 | t3_1umxrh | t5_2to41 | 83 | admssjt: TIFU by sending my dad a text that said "Your mom's a retard!"
I was meaning to respond to one of my friends who called me a retard with a classic "Your mom" retort. Unfortunately, my phone has a habit of opening the wrong message thread occasionally, especially when switching between threads. Like the idiot I am, I clicked on my friend's thread, which opened my dad's, and simply wrote "Your mom's a retard!" Didn't realize it until at least 15 minutes later, at which point I sent an apology text. He hasn't responded yet.
For background, my dad is very conservative, and to call anyone a retard is a huge offense to him, but between this friend and I, we have the running inside joke and rapport to use it without either of us being offended.
tl;dr Told my conservative dad his mom is a retard.
EDIT: He just responded: "I would have used "your mother was a hamster and your father smells of elderberries."
MrFantastik: please tell me you understood your fathers reply
admssjt: What kind of uncultured swine do you think I am?!
| 3 | 27.666667 | |
1389137037 | 1389246950 | t3_1unwi7 | t5_2to41 | 576 | gramofonofon: TIFU by getting an idea from "TIFU"
So yeah about an hour ago i decided to please myself in the shower. In the middle of my jerk i got an idea. I had read about a guy here on this subreddit who had put Buckyballs in his dick and gotten them stuck in his bladder. My little brother had taken them from my room earlier and left them in a lump next to the sink for some reason and as the kinky bastard i am i felt a strong urge to try it.
The other guy who ruined his penis with these wrote it felt great and oh my god was he right! I used only 30 of them as i was afraid to do the same mistake. As i was standing there and enjoying the moment i suddenly heard a *snap*. Sharp pain followed as i looked down and saw half the string of magnets had clamped together with the other half that was still inside me!
30 small magnets crushing your urethra from the inside is not a pleasant feeling, just saying!
I managed to get them loose after som tinkering though, but take my advice, do NOT(!!!) go through with any sexual ideas you get from TIFU!!
TL;DR Kinky time in the shower, crushed my urethra with magnets.
[deleted]: You're a god damned retard.
Zort189: Of the fullest kind
InYourUterus: You never go full retard, this is what happens.
Zort189: I was hoping people would get it, well now we know!
InYourUterus: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3rhQc666Sg
| 6 | 96 | |
1389144264 | 1389223696 | t3_1uo8en | t5_2to41 | 333 | pooplickerthrowaway: Today I fucked up by licking my own poop
This is without a doubt my second greatest fuck up of my life so far. This happened yesterday
I've been watching porn and masturbating since I was about 12. At first, normal porn was fine. But as I fapped more, normal porn didn't do it for me anymore. I moved on to lesbian, then gay porn, then pissing, and briefly bestiality, most recently younger stuff like jailbait, just so I could get off. I knew that it was more extreme that was most people watch. Worst part is that I've been trying /r/NoFap for almost a year now and I barely managed to go a week at my longest
Anyway, for a while now I've been occasionally tasting my pee when I masturbate because it felt hot. A few times in the past (only when masturbating) I've briefly wondered what shit was like but always brushed it off because it's fucking gross. Well yesterday, masturbating as usual, I thought "Fuck it, I'm actually going to do this". Sat on the toilet, squeezed a small turd out, and before I could stop to really think about it, I brought it up to my mouth and licked it
I didn't swallow it or even really bring it into my mouth, I just gave it a light lick, wondering what it would taste like and partly hoping it would be hot
It smelled pretty bad, but didn't really have a taste to it. I'm sure if you really put poop into your mouth and worked it around then it would have a taste, but on a light lick there wasn't much
Afterwards I felt so ashamed and disgusted with myself. I've let my masturbation and porn habits get so out of control that I've been pissing on myself and licked my shit just hoping it would get me off
I thought about making this post yesterday but just didn't feel up to it until tonight.
tl;dr I licked my poop hoping it would be hot and feel so disgusted
Sorry about this
Creepermoss: The real fuck up may not be apparent yet, wait until you develop Hepatitis, Gastroenteritis, Dysentery, or any of the other nasty things that are the reason food prep workers and servers have to wash their hands after using the restroom.
TL;DR- don't put poop in your mouth, stupid.
Kappa_the_imp: I don't think you can get those things from your own poop can you? I mean, if hepatitis was in your poop wouldn't you already have it?
Creepermoss: Nope, many things live harmlessly in your intestines/colon without ever reaching other parts of your body...mostly because people are smart enough NOT to eat their own shit.
Corryvrecken: Proof of this please?
Creepermoss: You need me to provide proof that literally eating shit is bad for you? How about this: Google it, see what comes up. Or, ask any single person in food preparation, a doctor, an adult that didn't sleep through school, any of these will work.
nninja: Googling it, as I thought, says you can eat your own poop. Whatever is in your poop is already in your body.
isdevilis: I think if you ate your own poop, you might be doing the world some good. Be consistent though, don't give up!
nninja: Not if it doesn't harm me
isdevilis: Don't worry, it won't! That's the great thing about poop.
nninja: What if I eat poop then poop it out and eat that poop?
isdevilis: I think you're missing the point, because that is what I was telling you to do from the beginning
nninja: A one man human centipede?
| 13 | 25.615385 | |
1389144700 | 1389161073 | t3_1uo94h | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU By changing my college website password before school starts
I received a email saying that my university website password was expiring and that I need to change it soon. This website basically has all my classes information and all of my tools that I need to have at all times.
So I changed my password, but I did the stupid mistake of not writing the password down before I did so, because college website passwords require a really complex style of a password, and when I went to enter the password so I can check what class I have in 30 min, I couldn't login. I tried every combo, even my old password, and no luck. I tried resetting the password, no luck. Did I mention that this is right before my first class of the quarter?
I called the campus hotline and they said they can't do anything until their supervisor comes and reset their password, which will probably be tomorrow or even later. So now I am screwed for who knows how long with no access to anything college related.
TL;DR- Reset a important password, forgot password, now am fucked.
Cluster_One: what kind of place doesn't let your reset your own password without a supervisor?
Dustorn: What kind of place forces you to have a particular *kind* of password?
oodie1127: Colleges. It's... Astonishing what your password has to have. Rules include:
No repeat letters at all
At least one capital, and one lower case
At least one number
At least one non numeric symbol (@&amp;$?!^#etc.)
Nothing involving your name or birthdate
It must be changed regularly.
It's bad.
Dustorn: So, basically... "We want you to have a password that you couldn't *possibly* remember without writing it down somewhere - and thus risk losing it *and* forgetting it, or even risk having someone else find it - but one that malicious programs can still guess surprisingly easily"?
Yep, seems like a good way of doing things.
| 5 | 4.4 | |
1389090014 | 1389161323 | t3_1um6cv | t5_2to41 | 3 | blazingarpeggio: Today I ALMOST Fucked Up With An Electric Kettle
So I am in my college boarding house when I got hungry. So I bought a pack of instant noodles, among other snacks, and went back home to heat water for it. I filled the kettle and plugged it to an extension cable. While waiting, I browsed Reddit. In a few minutes. I noticed that the water was already boiling. But wait. Something's wrong. THE WATER WAS SPILLING TO THE EXTENSION'S SOCKET. SHIT. SHIT. I unplugged it immediately. Good thing it didn't short out. Disaster averted.
TL;DR, my hunger almost burned the whole house down.
KristyConfused: Nah. Circuit breaker woulda popped if it had shorted out.
blazingarpeggio: Could be, but I don't wanna find out.
| 3 | 1 | |
1389153278 | 1389243752 | t3_1uomuu | t5_2to41 | 17 | t3jem: TIFU by running a 10k... in flip flops
This actually happened last year, but I wasn't a redditor then.
**Backstory**
I'm 23 years old and healthy, but I have never run more than a mile in my life. I sprint fairly often when playing ultimate frisbee once a week, but I've never done any type of actual running.
**Warmup**
A 10k was coming up and my work was building a running team. I had no intentions of running, but my friends were telling me I should walk it and take photos. This was the Bolder Boulder so there would be some fun things to take photos of. So sure enough I go ahead and sign up for the walking wave and figure I can always bail if I get bored.
**The race**
By the time race day came around I was dating a girl who actually enjoyed running. Keep in mind though, I still haven't done any training. She's in a wave a few hours before me so I walk her to the start line to see her off. Before she takes off she makes an off-handed comment about how she'd be impressed if I actually ran the whole thing. I didn't think anything of it though and walked back to my apartment to wait for my wave and watch her run by (the track went by my apartment).
Fast forward to my wave. I'm in flip flops because I'm never wearing anything but flip flops or going barefoot and I thought I was walking. I know I can walk 6 miles in flip flops, I do it all the time. Problem though, I showed up to the race 5 minutes late. In order to make sure I finished the race before the closed it I had to run to catch back up.
I begin my run and find a comfortable pace about a quarter mile in. I catch up to my wave about 1 mile in. I'm not all that excited to be running at this point, but decided since it's farther than I've ever gone I might as well see just how far I could go, so I keep running. At 3 miles I'm reciting this girls' words in my head for motivation and keep pushing. At mile 4 I deeply regret running since I had to give up going through a slip and slide (I knew if I stopped there was no starting again).
I finally hit mile 5 1/2. At this point I being crying a little, but it's ok, I'm wearing sunglasses so nobody can tell. I finally make it to mile 6 which is the beginning of the worst type of hill imaginable, the type of hill that seems to have a voice in your head saying you'll never finish. At this point I would have stopped to walk to the finish, but I couldn't. That girl was just at the top of the hill watching and cheering.
To end it I run/limp up the hill and through the finish line where I almost collapse. They then tell me I have to walk up a stadium of stairs to get my end-of-race snacks. Through my own disbelief I make it to the top and get my food. For the next 3 hours I keep eating. When I say I'm eating I mean I literally did not go more than 60 seconds without food in my mouth. I had to replenish those burned calories 4 times over and by golly I was going to do it before I got home.
In the end, the damage was less than it could have been. I limped the mile back home (we had to walk since the city was shut down). I couldn't step up onto, or off of street curbs for a week. I only had one blister on my right foot though. I had to go to the doctor and was told I had to wear shoes everywhere except to bed for the next 3 months. And no running (that rule wasn't so hard to follow).
I received ridicule from family and friends for the next 6 months and I decided I will never do something that stupid for a girl again (until the next time I'm interested in someone of course).
TL;DR - Expected to walk in flip flops, to impress a girl I ran instead
pj1843: Well what the hell happened with the girl? Sure you fucked up your feet, but unless you got to the end ate like a pig then on the way home barfed on the girl you were dating/running for so she dumped you then who knows . . .
t3jem: No barfing (I didn't even feel full, don't know where it all went!). She did give me plenty of hard time for being so stupid though, she didn't say anything about being impressed (go figure!). She did convince me to run a half marathon a few months later though (which I actually trained up to 7 miles before running... then stopped running 3 weeks before the race). We broke up shortly after the half marathon though.
TL;DR: Impressing a girl by running a 10k doesn't make the relationship last.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1389186373 | 1389217788 | t3_1uphe5 | t5_2to41 | 2,064 | [deleted]: Today I Fucked Up by masturbating in my room...
So, I wake up pretty damn hungover after last night's events, sore, cranky and really desperate to pee. I decided to check my phone. Perfect. A girl was sending me naked pictures on Snapchat, "Good morning", the text read. This girl knows how to use Snapchat and I was immediately solid as a rock down there and peeing straight proved difficult. I get back to my room, but my friend down there won't give in. I hop onto my bed, open up my laptop, flick on Pornhub and start jerking it furiously.
Eventually I get a very strange feeling, like I was being watched, but I was in my room and at home alone, who could possibly be watching me? I shake it off and carry on. However, the damn feeling just wouldn't go away. I stop and look at my window and there he fucking was, somehow floating outside my window on the third floor of an apartment building, a fat old man just staring at me with my dick in my hand. We made *eye contact* and we *held* it. I was fucking mortified, he looked like he was a cumshot away from PTSD. We quickly broke eye contact, he walked away and I ran to close my blinds. I haven't been in my room since.
I forgot today was the day they were replacing the apartment windows. (Scaffolding.)
Semyonov: Wait. Why were you using pornhub for source material when someone was sending you nudes?
[deleted]: Snapchat images last up to 10 seconds max and that's all you get.
SpongederpSquarefap: Screenshot
Ouaouaron: You know it tells the other person you saved the screenshot, right? This might be okay for snapchats of your friends making silly faces, but I'm guessing she used Snapchat for a reason. Screenshots would ensure you don't get any more, and probably fuck up your whole relationship.
I'd choose PornHub over that.
c0ldsh0w3r: Couldn't you just force a screen capture through the OS and not use the save IMG option?
derekorjustD: On my android you can't save an image through snapchat unless you are sending it, screenshot through the phone itself still tells them. My friend found an app that stores every received snap so you can have it without the other person knowing.
AngusVigerous: Up until a recent update you could go into the folder where the snaps are stored and rip them out as well.
Megak: They're stored on the servers
Edit: When you could do that, you could only see ones you had sent
Throne3d: They're copied locally to view...
"Stored" can be temporarily.
| 10 | 206.4 | |
1389187845 | 1389320235 | t3_1upirx | t5_2to41 | 26 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking my car to the dealership
Well, not today. But I discovered it today.
I usually change my own oil. Except last time, when I didn't have time. Being the idiot I was, I trusted the dealership to do the job properly.
Nope. They used a pneumatic wrench on the oil drain bolt. Not only is it stuck, and stripped, the oil pan has a hairline crack at the joint.
Fuck.
Don_Tiny: It's all ball bearings these days ... maybe you need a refresher course.
hscai: 2011 Mustang. No ball bearings, sorry.
Don_Tiny: It was a *Fletch* reference.
hscai: Woosh for me.
In my defense I was born years after that movie was made.
Don_Tiny: I think I'm just a little sad for us both in a way.
| 6 | 4.333333 | |
1389200720 | 1389208667 | t3_1upzj1 | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by mistaking real life for lucid dreaming
So I've had about 3 lucid dreams, all through DILD and doing reality checks in dreams because I do them all the time in waking life. Today at school I was sitting on a bench in a corridor, minding my own business. I was wearing a digital watch at the time and I've read about reality checks by looking at a watch, then back again and it's changed. So basically I look at the time and it says 11 something. I look back down in my book, then back at the watch again, and now the time looks like a cryptic message with weird half-numbers and stuff, sort of like it was broken. (it was broken).
My retarded mind figured I was Lucid Dreaming so I stood up and walked up to the closest girl and just kissed her. She wasn't exactly happy about it and started ranting about how "YOU DON'T JUST WALK UP TO SOMEONE AND KISS THEM! I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!" etcetera. I just smile goofily figuring this is part of the dream and say, "Hey, watch this." then pose like superman like I'm about to fly. It... doesn't work, and I have the slow realization that this is an awake state and I get this insane sinking feeling in my stomach, I feel my face getting red and I start to sweat. That's when I bolted out of there, and I just came back home to write this. I'm seriously considering switching school and moving cities. SO REMEMBER: ALWAYS RC TWICE, or even three times. In retrospect I realize I should've tried the nose-breathing thing.
VoicesDontStop: Is your name Steeve
SilentScience: He should have followed the bouncing red ball.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1389200100 | 1389340335 | t3_1upyke | t5_2to41 | 174 | I_will_eat_your_life: TIFU by not closing/muting porn, Allowing a train full of people to hear it.
This was actually just over a week ago.
I had been watching porn the night before, girl on girl, the usual.
I'd had my headphones in and the volume up full. I was pretty tired when I had finished and had to be up early for work, so I just closed the laptop, not bothering to turn the video off, and forgetting about it.
Cue the next morning, on my way to work, deciding to get a bit of image editing done on the train. Pretty crowded, full of morning commuters.
So I open my laptop, only to be met by a series of the loudest porny-ish orgasms ever.
I should state at this point, that my laptop is pretty crappy sometimes. It's not the best laptop ever, and its pretty slow when I first turn it on.
So the video crashes, I'm banging on the mute button just as hard as the girl in the video is banging the other girl for everybody on the train to see.
Nothing works. I slam my laptop shut in a desperate bid for silence, and the moaning continues for at least another fifteen seconds until finally, the laptop shuts the fuck up. I just stare at my laptop.
It's too late though. Everybody heard. A few people laughed. Most stared at me. They all knew. I hid my face for the rest of the ride and then hurried from the train station. I think it made it worse that I'm a woman. Men could probably just laugh it off. Instead everybody was just looking at me like I had grown a testicle from my chin. I wanted to die at that moment.
[deleted]: It's okay.
Next time just shrug, laugh, and say, "Sorry, guys."
I_will_eat_your_life: I hope there isn't a next time.
[deleted]: Oh, there will be.
Dun dun dun!
I_will_eat_your_life: Oh dear God why?
Nozphexezora: Except it will be at one of Obama's presidential speeches. And you'll interrupt him, and everybody will stare at you and Obama will comment on how rude you are. Then the guards will take you away and you'll spend your entire life slaving away in some run-down factory that makes Obama shirts.
I_will_eat_your_life: Doesn't matter; Had fap.
| 7 | 24.857143 | |
1389200615 | 1389288972 | t3_1upze4 | t5_2to41 | 194 | WeedBabyThrowaway: TIFUpdate: Pot Baby
Hello friends! [It's your friendly neighborhood nanny!](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1ujpye/tifu_by_turning_my_back_on_a_1_year_old/)
So it's been a couple of days and I've had a chance to talk to both mom and dad (separately, damn schedules) and everything is cool. They both apologized for leaving their stuff out, I apologized for not thinking to double check that the box was empty, and we all agreed to skip to the part where we're laughing about it now. Mom expressed the exact sentiments I did about how this could have ruined their careers and their lives if they had hired the wrong person. Apparently the fact that I am "young and cool" (her words) were factors in their decision to hire me. All in all, one of the funnier employment stories I'll have to tell in the retirement home. I can't believe that post got almost 1,ooo upvotes. I know self posts don't matter karma-wise (plus, y'know, throwaway), but I'm humbled that so many of you found my story interesting/funny. Ya'll helped me process a very very VERY weird day :-)
So thanks Reddit, and stay fucked up!
Colander767: Why did you write 1,000 so weird?
WeedBabyThrowaway: Is it weird?
Colander767: Very. I had no idea why, until I looked at it on my computer. You used O's instead of 0's.
WeedBabyThrowaway: I have no idea how that happened. Good catch.
DeliciousPumpkinPie: Well, the o and the 0 are pretty much right next to each other on a standard keyboard. Chances are you weren't paying a lot of attention to where your finger was and your eyes were like "whatever, it's round, close enough."
WeedBabyThrowaway: That sounds like something my brain would say.
| 7 | 27.714286 | |
1389218982 | 1389242957 | t3_1uqu75 | t5_2to41 | 69 | diggerB: TIFU by reading in the bathroom at work (possibly NSFW)
On my lunch break, I needed to use the bathroom to take a shit. So I did. While I was shitting, I was reading a book on my smartphone... "The Skystone" by Jack Whyte.
All that was going to come out had done (it was quite runny and unpleasant), and I continued reading. No worries, I still had a good half-hour left in my break... lots of time.
Now if you know Jack Whyte, you know that he does a pretty good job with racy parts. So here I am, reading about a retired Roman soldier, and here he has a rather juicy encounter with a woman. I keep reading, and, as you might expect, suddenly I feel a bit of extra blood trickling into my dong. Not a full-on erection here, just engorgement... but enough so that, without becoming rigid, my junk got larger, and while still hanging down, the tip dipped into the shit-contaminated water.
I'm at work, not enough time to go home to properly clean myself, and, though I tried, the bathroom facilities are not supplied well enough for me to do it properly.
So I will be at my desk for the next few hours, with disgusting shit particles all over my dick.
LickedThatBitch: Why can't you just wipe that shit off with, idk... toilet paper?
diggerB: Well yeah, that's what I did, but it's not an entirely hygienic solution.
Moonreaver: Wash it in the sink next time.
Chrisdarcy: Sounds reasonable....
Moonreaver: Indeed
| 6 | 11.5 | |
1389221644 | 1390065612 | t3_1uqym1 | t5_2to41 | 41 | exander321: Today I fucked up by throwing boiling water in my dad's face.
So as you might have noticed, it's really fucking cold outside. So I decided to take advantage and do me some science. I got a pot of water going, and then called my family down to watch. I grabbed the boiling water and went outside. My dad stood by the door holding it open so everyone could see. I threw it up but the pot was waaay heavier than anticipated and I ended up throwing it backwards. The water, thankfully, was cooled but it was still very hot. It ended up on my hat and on my dad's face and head. He wasn't too too mad, mostly because he was ok. But still. Woops.
HughJorgan1986: How cold was it?
exander321: Somewhere around -44°F with windchill.
bahehs: Damn, thats cod
zer0t3ch: No, all the cod froze to death.
| 5 | 8.2 | |
1389220162 | 1389463589 | t3_1uqw63 | t5_2to41 | 1,379 | banginchoonz: TIFU by laughing at one of my students and making her cry.
I teach English as a second language in a French high school. It's a good job, it pays quite well, the school and government pay my rent, and I love teaching.
Getting bored of my usual lesson formats, I created a simple lesson plan based around a quiz. There are sections to the quiz, and I select two students per round to read the questions and then give the answers at the end.
One of the questions was 'what is the largest mammal?' When we got to the answers, and after the usual bout of laughter - 'mammal' sounds a lot like the French word *mamelle*, which means breast - one of my students suggested an answer.
I should say before I tell you her answer, that this student is one of the sweetest, shyest, yet most talented students I have, and I've been trying really hard to build up her confidence, and I think I've undone all my hard work.
Her answer to the question 'what is the largest mammal' was simply 'the dick'.
I, and half the class, died laughing. It was awful, it lasted ages. I looked up to see her look horrified and confused by my reaction. I quickly explained what dick means. She gasped, and said 'oh I meant like Moby Dick.'
I saw her welling up, holding back tears, and she refused to speak for the rest of the class.
At the end, she ran out of the room without saying anything. I chased after her and apologised profusely, told her she was a great student etc. all the usual stuff, but I think I broke her slightly.
Shit.
TLDR: laughed at one of my ESL students for saying a penis is the largest mammal.
StopThatFoofaraw: I've had similar experiences with teaching English and inadvertently embarrassing students. Especially adult students. The way I moved past it was to be self-deprecating and share my personal fuck-ups and various language mistakes I could think of. When I was younger and learning Arabic ( my family lived in Egypt for a couple years) I used to regularity confuse the phrases 'you are beautiful' and ' you are a donkey'. Definitely had some very socially awkward situations because of this, with many apologies to follow. Hope your student doesn't go back in her shell for good.
TheMrGhost: I'm an Egyptian and I don't understand how you could mix up those two.
StopThatFoofaraw: I know. They're not at all similar. All I can say is that I was 8 and had an older brother who told me ' Damick Taheel' meant something along the lines of ' let's be friends'. So he might've helped reinforce my mix up.
TheMrGhost: Hahahaha. Did you later find out what it actually means?
StopThatFoofaraw: Oh yah. I found out. I think it means : You're a pain in the butt / you're dull. Literal translation - your blood is heavy.
TheMrGhost: Yup, it's also used as "You're not funny".
How many weird looks did you get when you tried being nice and used it?
StopThatFoofaraw: A few weird looks but that's nothing new. Always double checked things my bro told me after that.
| 8 | 172.375 | |
1389202847 | 1389227294 | t3_1uq2rj | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by nearly killing myself doing a trampoline backflip
So my last lesson of today was PE, and I now do trampolining. Woo-hoo! I enjoy trampolining a lot! I might even be the best out of my group at this! I pull off a few somersaults just to remember how to do them, and I pull them off perfectly, impressing a lot of people, however, I needed to do my routine, feeling confident, I go and choose the highest difficulty there: 7. All is fine and dandy, my memory sucks but I knew what I was doing. Cut to final part in the routine: a backflip. No problem, I can easily do these! As I did the bounce for the backflip, going straight into the air and turning, I misheard what someone said and thought I had to do something else, this was while I was about 3/10ths into the flip. I almost immediately stopped in the air, I see the floor under me, heading there: *head first*.
**SHIT**
If there was something I could've don't to stop it, I would've, but as I hit the trampoline, head first, with my knees hitting me, I knew I was fucked. I hear lots of gasps of shock, and then I roll off of the trampoline onto the floor. I do what I normally do and play it off and try to make people laugh. It sort of worked, but what was worse was the girl I liked (who probably doesn't even like me anyway) was closest to me, woo-hoo.
Luckily I had no *bad* injuries, but hours later I'm still dizzy and my back and head hurts badly as well, but other than that I guess I could say I'm fine.
TL;DR: fucked up a flip, crash-landed headfirst, crush saw, and I'm in pain.
Jasondazombie: Lost it at *SHIT*
FIRST
[deleted]: Glad you enjoyed it, but was 'FIRST' necessary?
Jasondazombie: No. ^^sorry
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1389227862 | 1389328209 | t3_1ur8n4 | t5_2to41 | 47 | [deleted]: My parents found out I have a butt plug. FUCK. Im a dude.
I hid it near my bed because I didn't think my parents would be cleaning my room this very day. Next thing I know when I came from school I found my butt plug on my desk. FUCK
AFTERMATH: As /u/fuckyouripod said this is what my parents and I basically did. I never talked to them about it and they never questioned me on it. To be honest I don't think they know what a butt plug is.
fuckyouripod: theres a tried and true approach to embarrassing discoveries like this: you pretend it didn't happen. your mom and dad pretend it didn't happen.
you hide your shit REALLY well in the future, and your folks have learned that prying doesn't pay off like they thought it would.
TheImplausibleHulk: That sounds like a good idea actually. Now I want to hide a butt plug somewhere where I don't want people snooping.
dyl1n0: I'd assume that'd be in your butt, but if you're into butt plugs I guess that's where you want people snooping?
TheImplausibleHulk: Au contraire, I said somewhere where I *don't* want people snooping.
dyl1n0: I only put it in the butts of vegans. They tend to have the cleanliest of all the butts.
| 6 | 7.833333 | |
1389223610 | 1389438529 | t3_1ur1va | t5_2to41 | 71 | ButtersHound: TIFU and went spelunking with the village idiot
Happened a couple years ago but I thought you guys could use a break from the normal rouge fart and masturbation bloopers so here it is...
Back in bumfuck nowhere cornville my girlfriend had a friend, lets call him Boner (actual nickname), who was...special. He wasn't handicapped but he certainly had some attention problems, low intelligence, and a face that looked like it had been repeatedly beat with a shovel into a flat, square, cavemanny kind of look. I'd liken him to Puck of Shakespeare fame, woodsy, hyper, mischievous, and a gigantic liar. We'd see him a few times a week, party a bit, get into trouble etc. but in farm country USA there's really not much else to do anyway so...
My gf and I had gotten into a bit of trouble and needed to get out of town (don't ask) and Boner heard about our 'situation' and said we should go visit his family, stay with them, and check out a 'really cool' cave that he knew about. So, with just the clothes on our backs and a bowl in our pockets, we drove to the middle of nowhere Indiana, several hundred miles from our home.
Already things started out poorly, his family was completely pissed off that Boner had the gall to show up out of nowhere and expect lodging ( I later found out he had stolen some items years ago and hadn't been heard from since). But eventually they did offer us a room in their farmhouse which was creepy as fuck and the next morning we set out.
We arrived at a large section of state game lands and began our hike deep into the forest with no gear, no food, and 3 cheaper than cheap, dollar store flashlights. It was early spring about 50 degree and we wore only jeans and t-shirts. Eventually we arrived at a medium sized waterfall that fed into a small pool. Boner informed us that to enter the cave you could either climb the falls of swim to the other side of the pool and climb a small cliff face.
I hesitated and we all had a long talk where Boner assured us it was completely safe and 'totally awesome'. If not then, the red flags should have certainly gone up when Boner insisted I go first. Wanting to look like a badass in front of my gf I reluctantly dipped myself into the water and immediately the shock of the ice cold stream hit me, making me slip fully into the water. My heart raced while trying to catch a lungful of air. All I could do was to faintly dog paddle to the other side. My gf was next and, over her protest, she gradually lowered herself into the water. She wasn't a strong swimmer also she was thin, small and only 15 (I was 17 at the time) so I basically had to lower myself back in and drag her across. Boner came across last, seemingly unphased as his Neolithic mind didn't comprehend pain quite like Homosapiens.
Before we climbed the small cliff my gf and I both registered strong objections regarding this adventure to which Boner replied that the hard part was over now and there was nothing to worry about. So, after the shaking subsided, we climbed the cliff and entered the cave.
It seemed tame enough, semi-circle in shape with a small stream in the middle and plenty of room on the sides for walking. We turned on our flashlights and headed into the void at a brisk pace to warm up.
Unfortunately, as we headed deeper into the cave the stream deepened and widened the farther we went until it got to the point where we were hugging the sides, angling our bodies into a crescent, and walked a strip of rock 6 inches across in an effort to avoid the frigid waters. Eventually even this small strip ran out and we were forced to swim. Going back was no longer an option as our 'guide' refused to accompany us and we were already about 3 miles into the cave.
I carefully lowered myself in then helped my gf brave the water. Immediately when her body went into the water she started shaking and crying. She could barely move, gasping for air, and was forced to hold onto my back as I tried to grip the rocky side of the cave and went basically hand over hand into the darkness as I gagged on my flashlight.
Then things turned from awful to dangerous. Boner, trying to light a sopping wet cigarette while holding the cave wall, dropped his flashlight into the water. 5 minuets later my gf, probably because of the onset of hypothermia, dropped her flashlight as well leaving only mine. The direness of our situation hit me like a ton of bricks in a fearsome moment of clarity wherein I realized that I had just followed a certifiable moron into an unknown cave with no gear, no food, frigid cold waters and now we only had one flashlight left.
There's nothing in this world as scary as when that little voice inside of you states, with complete authority , "you might die today Butters, this might be the last few hours you have on this earth".
I prayed Reddit. I prayed harder than I ever had in my life that God would save this one small flashlight, that God wouldn't let my girlfriend freeze to death, and, most importantly, that Boner had a small idea as to what we were doing and that this cave would eventually come to an end.
And it finally did.
Slowly the stream began to grow more shallow. My feet could finally touch the bottom. We eventually could wade again in the freezing cold water. Our torso's began to emerge, until finally we were walking in only inches of water, freezing still but at least we weren't swimming anymore.
We began to feel excitement, Boner said we were close to the end, we were going to live by Job, everything was going to be okay! We felt like hero's, braving a great unknown, conquerors who had fought the dragon and lived to tell the tale. I was pretty much a real life Frodo fucking Baggins. Then we saw something strange...lights. Not an opening but two lights bobbing and weaving. At first we were all terrified, what the fucking fuck is in here with us!? Then we came closer and saw, to our surprise, that it was people. Maybe Boner wasn't so crazy, people did hike this cave system but surely they must be experienced adventures, mountain men, modern day Lewis and Clark. So it was no wonder that my hubris took a mighty big hit when I saw it was a father and his 10 year old son...
We emerged maybe 20 minuets later, I was a little deflated that I had almost died where elementary aged school children succeed but I'll never forget those first rays of sunshine, not just the warmth but just to see those beautiful sunbeams break through the tree canopy and know that we were alive.
Edit: grammar, spelling, incomplete sentences, poor English, and polishing over and over and over
TLDR: found nest of zombie-like, cave dwelling, hillbilly cannibals
plushlife: I thought this was going to turn into that [scary cave story...](http://www.angelfire.com/trek/caver/)
DrummerBoy2999: I just need to ask why is it not updated?? Is that to imply he did not make it?
IWantAFuckingUsename: Yeah, he lived though. He made most of it up, though the cave and shit is real.
DrummerBoy2999: I have to ask does the guy actually explore caves? And is this just his experience with the added weird tiger screaming boulder pushing thing made up into it?
IWantAFuckingUsename: He does actually explore caves, but that rock never actually existed, he made that up.
| 6 | 11.833333 | |
1389224795 | 1389473807 | t3_1ur3ss | t5_2to41 | 47 | enhanced195: TIFU by feeding my family spicy sausages
Forgive me for errors I'm typing this on my phone.
Last week I went to the supermarket with my dad to help him do some shopping. While he was shopping he sent me to get some things on the list. One of them was a package of hot dogs. I get them and all is well, or it only seems to be.
Tonight my dad decides to make the hot dogs, and I volunteered to cook them bc I had nothing better to do.
Dinners almost done cooking, and my sister points out how big the hot dogs are. I didn't think anything of it until she was throwing something away and the label of the hot dogs was in plain view. My dad and I hear her say "uh oh" and we both ask what's wrong, and she points out that they weren't hot dogs, they were "Sabrettes hot sausages." I stand there dumbfounded, an my dad gives me a dirty look. You see, this normally wouldn't be much of a problem, but my family is full of picky eaters, I'm the only one in the house who doesn't hate spicy foods. We all sit down at the table, and try to eat the sausages. There's an awkward silence between us three, while my nephew complains about how spicy the food is. I'm pretty sure my dad at this point was wondering why he didn't fap me into a napkin the night I was conceived. I haven't wanted to shrink into my seat this much since middle school.
Thankfully we were able to laugh about it afterwards.
TL;DR - don't let me get your groceries for you
Moonreaver: Your family needs to suck it up. Tonight I had a half bowl of ramen, so I would have happily traded with you guys.
Ladysmanthatgetsnone: Word of advice. Cook some eggs and scramble it into your ramen. Throw out the spice pack and make your own wouldn't hurt either. The eggs and spices just make it more nutritious and adds a little taste
Moonreaver: That's what I usually do with it, throw extra stuff in it. But that night all I had was the ramen.
| 4 | 11.75 | |
1389218881 | 1389245229 | t3_1uqu1h | t5_2to41 | 13 | tripofyourlife: TIFU by drinking what I thought was chai
So I woke up really groggy desperately needing some caffeine. I stumble into my poorly lit kitchen and measure out some of my liquid Chai concentrate mix and pour an equal amount of milk. It looked a little light so I assumed it probably needed a little more chai but I decided to taste it to make sure. I took a big gulp and immediately vomited into the sink. Turns out I pulled out the chicken broth carton instead of chai. **I drank equal parts chicken broth and water.** The cartons are the same size, shape, have the same plastic top and both have yellow tops. I belched chicken broth until lunchtime.
ambi94: So it was watered down broth?
Belgara: With milk!
ambi94: Ah! Now that sounds awful.
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1389236506 | 1389286678 | t3_1urmhc | t5_2to41 | 162 | emqbmx: TIFU on snapchat
So I had been dating this girl for a while. It had gotten more intimate and we would send nudes back and forth a lot. So as per usual we were exchanging them. I took a picture of my dick and the caption said."Do something dirty for me." I was about to send it. Now as you probably know, the Snapchat friends are in a list going down. My girlfriends Snapchat name started with the letter "A" and so did this girl I would occasionally talk to at my school. So as you can imagine here is where I fucked up. I went to click my girlfriends name and accidentally clicked the other girls name. In my horny rage I did not realize that i clicked the wrong name and I sent it anyway. I did not realize my horrible mistake yet though. I see that I have a new Snapchat from the girl I sent it to. I click on it. A picture of her mouth wide open with complete and utter shock. I immediately realized what I had done and sent a Snapchat back with my horrified face and the caption **"NOOOOOOO"** I talked to her the next day at school and she understood and actually thought it was very funny despite seeing my dick.
**TLDR;** Tried to send dick pick to girlfriend, sent to wrong girl.
sharkfisher: So are you sure her mouth was open with shock, or could she have been acting like she was going to give you head?
I haven't used snap chat but couldn't she have just texted you asking wtf?
When it comes down to it you sent her a pic of your dick with the text do something dirty for me, she responds with a picture of her with her mouth open.
IAmAHat_AMAA: I like your optimism
Drim498: what is the hardest thing about being a hat?
KittenPurrs: This is going to end up like that AMA with the guy with two dicks...
"As a hat, I'd have to say the worst part of my existence is constantly getting head, and occassionally getting off on a decent rack."
| 5 | 32.4 | |
1389238389 | 1389277262 | t3_1urpdy | t5_2to41 | 146 | oodie1127: TIFU by watching porn and inviting the family.
Oh sweet Jesus it's all such a blur. My night started off like normal. I was watching the trailer for Ride Along on loop when I realized I had to poop. So be it.
I waltz in and release my bowels, which was really runny (an omen of events to come). Well I'm browsing Reddit when I make my way over to some NSFW posts. Time to do what I do sortof best. I open up some videos and get to work. After about 3 minutes my mom knocked on the door and said "Oodie, please stop." How could she know?
Earlier, during the 11th hour, I was listening to music in my room. How, you ask? Through a Bluetooth speaker.
I had not disconnected the Bluetooth.
I had left my bedroom door open.
I have shamed my family.
I finished pooping and now I'm sitting alone rocking myself into a deep deep sleep hopefully forever. God this is awful.
TurtleBullet: Bro..oodie yo... Please don't tell me it was loud furious yelling sex
Neuronless: That would be still better than loud furious yelling sex with animal noises.
| 3 | 48.666667 | |
1389247708 | 1389301198 | t3_1us20p | t5_2to41 | 53 | volunteerthrowaway25: Today I fucked up by trusting a Craigslist scam, got "u wot m8'd"
So a while ago I did something stupid, and now have to do community service for it. I found this "non profit" called American Angel Works on Craigslist, and after applying they told me after donating they would fill out any paper work required that I wanted. So, like an idiot, I donated.
So after being led in circles trying to get what they promised, I mentioned I would dispute the payment with PayPal. I got this response:
>I've never had anyone dispute a donation. Feel free. Threats to me are taken seriously. I will make sure that your probation officer understands you actually raised funds for our nonprofit and then decided to keep the funds. Be a jackass if you want. I am a professional fighter and worked in the federal court system for two decades. Think about the next email you send. I don't respond to threats the way people think I will. Your [$ amt here] means far less to me than your freedom does to you.
This would be hilarious to me if it wasn't also so serious.
NobodySpecific: Is donating money in lieu of community service a valid option? Or were you trying to pull a fast one on your probation officer? It seems from your post that you were trying to get this guy to sign off on paperwork that says you did your community service in exchange for a donation and I'm just trying to figure out if it was legit or not.
volunteerthrowaway25: To be honest, I don't really know. I think they might see it that way, which is why I'm willing to just walk away from this.
NobodySpecific: As they say: play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
volunteerthrowaway25: Yep, that's why it's in /r/tifu
NobodySpecific: Yeah, but your fuck up wasn't "trusting a craigslist scam", it was trying to get out of doing your community service through a shady deal on craigslist. You were effectively trying to pull a scam on your probation officer.
| 6 | 8.833333 | |
1389262374 | 1389474716 | t3_1usdlr | t5_2to41 | 120 | deshe: TIFU by not taking a dump before leaving home
Prologue: I had pizza last night, with Jalapenos. The thing about Jalapenos is that you can never tell in advance how hot they are, and yesterday's were merciless. I am not the kind of man who'd let this stand between me and delicious pizza, but they did a number on my digestive system.
As I left home this morning I felt a mild rumble in mah tummy which I decided to ignore. Work is a 10 minutes drive from here and I am usually fairly regular, so getting the first signals of a creeping poop are not an issue... most of the time.
As I merged into the highway I was in an entirely different place. My stomach rumbled like a timpani, my rectum discharged gas constantly at varying intensities and lengths -- seriously, my ass was a freaking brass section, showing off the entire gamut from the french horn to the tuba. I was in cold sweat, gripping the steering wheel so strong I thought it might break, enduring every second like an eternity in this cacophonous travesty.
One forever later I pulled out of the highway into the neighborhood where are offices are. I was just two minutes shy of the parking space, but the thought of walking the 200 meters to the offices and waiting for the elevator was more than I could stand. I went into a petrol station just at the rim of the neighborhood, parked in the tire inflating station, put on the hazard lights and ran to the toilet like a mother fucker.
As I got into the stall I already felt the poop pushing outside, I knew any bad decision here would force me to go back home in shame and change. I masterfully undid my belt while taking off my jacket and sat on the toilet while starting to shit mid-air. After I let out the first lump I could finally think straight. Did I make it? Am I on the clear?
I first checked my underpants, they were fine. But then I remembered... the jacked. AW GAWD, there is a smear of my poop across its inner back!
I frantically looked around for some toilet paper when I realized that there is none! Fuck! Well, at least there was a sink (and I swear to god, Reddit, had that sink wasn't there I would have hanged myself from my belt right there and then). I cleaned my jacket with water and considered my next step.
The rush all the capsaicin forced on my digestive tract was not unnoticeable. My poop was acidic and watery, like the inside of an under baked volcano fudge brownie. It stung and was unpleasant and I had no idea how I'd wipe it.
My first attempt was to scoop it off my ass with my hand and then wash it at the sink. The sink had no soap and pieces of my own poo stuck to it, I felt like a brute, I wanted to die. After two or tree scoops I realized that this is too much for me to bear.
I scanned around the room for a solution when I noticed my underpants. Luckily, I am a boxer shorts type of guy so they had plenty of cloth. I knew what had to be done.
The floor was a mess of liquids whose contents I dare not considered, so undoing my shoes and taking off my pants while my exposed ass is practically coated with very fresh shit was not an actual option. I tried ripping them off but the rubber band was too tough for my bare hands. So I ripped off pieces of them, strip by strip, and used them to wipe myself clean.
By the time I was done, the center piece of my boxers was all lost to the poop. It had become some sort of creepy underskirt which rides up and gives me less then average defense against my coarse jeans. I finally left the stall with my undies and dignity shredded forever, and headed to work.
**tl;dr: shit, shit everywhere**
WPBDoc: Why is it that the most eloquent, artistic, creative and hilarious posts on all of reddit are "poop stories"? The deserves an A+!
Source: I'm a former English Composition teacher.
deshe: As a non native speaker I can't tell you how much this means to me
strngsvlmstng96: Your similes were amazing!
deshe: Thank you :)
| 5 | 24 | |
1389284091 | 1389330258 | t3_1usi7v | t5_2to41 | 112 | PissOutMyAsss: Having sex with someone of the same gender makes you gay. Enjoying stimulation in a place has no bearing on your sexuality.
DaEvil1: No. Being sexually attracted more or less exclusively by members of the same gender makes you gay. It's very possible to have sex with someone you're not attracted to, even if they're the "wrong" gender.
PissOutMyAsss: I agree with you and think we are saying the same things...?
DaEvil1: I could have sex with men without being gay. Taking your post to the extreme, a member of my sex raping me would make me gay, which obviously wouldn't be the case.
PissOutMyAsss: You're absolutely right. I was speaking within the lines of consensual intercourse, but the example you've given is correct. Sorry for misunderstanding your point.
DaEvil1: Even within consensual intercourse, it's feasible to have sex with someone of your own gender without being gay. Scenarios where there are no member of the opposite gender available for a certain amount of time, or if you want to "help" a good friend of yours etc.
skatterbug: [The point has been made and accepted.](http://awesomegifs.com/wp-content/uploads/dead-horse.gif)
DaEvil1: > I was speaking within the lines of consensual intercourse
skatterbug: [The point has been made and accepted.](http://awesomegifs.com/wp-content/uploads/dead-horse.gif)
DaEvil1: And I was making a side point...
skatterbug: [See how annoying it is?](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1usi7v/tifu_by_trying_to_end_my_nofap_adventure/celj4we)
We got the point, /u/PissOutMyAsss conceded your point. [You won.](http://i.imgur.com/3RF2RPI.jpg)
DaEvil1: You're making the same point, when he "conceded" he said:
> I was speaking within the lines of consensual intercourse
To refine his point. Problem is I disagree with that as well. I don't care about winning. I care about being accurate.
Allikuja: yes but after a point your accuracy only really benefits yourself and it's just supremely annoying to everyone else. hence the downvotes on your post(s). as important as accuracy is (and I agree it is very important especially in written communication), we live in a society with other people and you're generally better off stopping once people get the point because when you go overboard about it people just ignore you which makes what you're saying pointless to say. (because the whole point of saying something is communicating it to other people, and if nobody wants to listen to you then you're not communicating)
DaEvil1: If people think I'm pedantic, that's fine. But I wasn't beating a dead horse.
Allikuja: They don't think you're pedantic, they think you're obnoxious. They may not have said the exact words you wanted them to but we did get your point. And if you really feel we didn't understand, you need to phrase that in a very drastically different way, not just say the same thing over and over with slightly different wording or synonyms. Because from what you wrote above, everybody thinks you're just rephrasing the same statement but not actually changing the point from when it was first understood.
DaEvil1: My contention was that it wasn't completely understood in the first place, which is why I reiterated it...
Allikuja: Assuming you mean something different than what all of us were interpreting:
(I don't know a better way at the moment to say this so I'm gonna say it like this:)
It's like you were talking about a red car, but nobody understood what you meant. So your end of the convo appeared to us like this:
It's a red car...a car that's red...etc.
you need to maybe use some metaphors or other creative writing techniques to find a lot of really varying ways to explain your point when people aren't understanding you after the first two or three tries.
DaEvil1: My point is clear.
OP: having sex with same gender makes you gay.
Me: No it doesn't, the logical conclusion with that is that being raped by someone of your gender makes you gay
OP: You're right, I was talking about consensual sex with people of the same gender.
Me: You can have consensual sex with someone of the same gender and still not be gay.
Allikuja: I see what happened. People got your point, OP just didn't explain it in exactly the right wording so you didn't catch it.
Or at the very least, *I* got your point by the time OP replied with this:
http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1usi7v/tifu_by_trying_to_end_my_nofap_adventure/celdo1w
DaEvil1: Like I already said, my issue wasn't with the person or trying to beat a dead horse, but OP's wording was ambigious enough that I wanted to clarify for the sake of **accuracy**.
| 20 | 5.6 | |
1389230233 | 1389407198 | t3_1urcc6 | t5_2to41 | 20 | thehotdelancey: TIFU by destroying the work toilet. The only one with a heater (We work outdoors)
This morning, I had to do the dirty, and since it was cold out, I used the shop toilet for employees. Little did I know (because SOMEONE didnt leave a note that it was leaking and didnt flush quite right- THATS WHY YOU ALWAYS LEAVE A NOTE)
Basically the wax gasket had gone bad on the toilet and shit water leaked all over the floor. So, I turned the water off. Then I cleaned the mess off the floor to have a good clean dry work area, set to the hardware store to get my bolts and gasket, and installed a new gasket on the toilet (Go me, first time!)
Here's where the problem comes in. It is now acting like it is clogged. Before I installed it, I had used a sponge to take a few inches of water out from the pipe where the toilet seal goes, to give me a little more working room. I did not flush the sponge or leave it in the pipe. That was my first concern but all my tools were safely set aside. Could an air pocket be causing my problems here? If so, how do I get rid of it?
I tried plunging it, with no success.
I had to leave work, project finished imperfectly, with the boss aware that I found a problem, and did my best to fix it rather than just pass it off to the next guy. I made a nice big "TOILET NO WORK" sign to alert us in the morning that the toilet was out of order.
What else typically goes wrong in these situations? My guess is either air bubble, or theres a bigger clog in the line from multiple weak flushes. In that case, we're gonna need a bigger snake. Figured I'd tell the story to either get tips on how to fix it/remind people its okay to fuck up sometimes, so long as you make reasonable accomodations to fix it.
TL:DR I replaced the wax gasket on the work toilet, reattached the water lines and turned on the water. Toilet wont flush. Whats the best course of action? My guess is an air bubble or a clog in the main line. Hoping the toilet just burps overnight and gets better.
kaosdaklown: I have had this problem and got rid of it by force feeding the toilet five gallons of water. get a big bucket and pour it down the hatch as fast as possible.
thehotdelancey: You're the best. It worked. And, made my maintenance guys' day that he didnt have to drive all the way to my park to fix something. You made me look really good today! Thank you!
kaosdaklown: not a problem. just me, doing what i do best.
| 4 | 5 | |
1389286868 | 1389295012 | t3_1ut2av | t5_2to41 | -9 | [deleted]: TIFU by having my girlfriend eat her brothers leftovers
I'm telling this on behave of my girlfriend because she doesn't have reddit.
So last Friday night I and my girlfriends brother went to go the orange bowl. We will call him Tyler for now. we go and we have a really good time and don’t get back till like one in the morning. we are both sober when we come home and i go right to my girlfriends bed and go to sleep.
We wake up the next morning to her mom yelling into the bedroom if we left her car door open overnight. ( I’m so tired from the night before and debate getting out of bed for this) So we I get up because i really should be there for here. we go outside and find that someone had put 30 pounds of dry cat food on her seat. by the way she got this car a month ago it has 700 miles on it at the most and still has temp plates on it.
We originally thought i was a neighbors because I walk the dog all the time and never pick up the dog shit. We called the police and they came. all of this while my 4'11 gf is freaking out and we are ready to go break the neighbors legs for this.
The cops come and dust for prints while laughing because he was really old and told us he had never seen this in his like 30 years of doing this.
I calm my girlfriend down somehow and bring her to the dealership to get a free detailing to get the rest of the cat food out that i did not get when i cleaned it.
An hour and a half later we get a call from her dad and he tells us that he is really sorry to inform us that her brother did this to the car. We were both so angry about everything that has happen. So i decided too text him and see what was going on. [He sent me this]9http://i.imgur.com/cXOKN0D.jpg) With message that will teach her not to eat my leftover burban chicken.
No one has spoken to him since and no one is speaking the house.
Sorry im dyslexic and suck at spelling
gartloneyrat: "I walk the dog all the time and never pick up the dog shit"
You are a terrible person. If you walk a dog, pick up the mess it makes. Otherwise take the dog to your local SPCA so a responsible person can adopt it.
And seriously, the cops came and dusted for fingerprints? For cat food food being left in a vehicle? Is this the most poorly written Hardy Boys novel of all time?
[deleted]: idk he was old as fuck. And im not picking up anyones shit ever
gartloneyrat: That's the spirit! Fuck everyone else in the world and any responsibility for your own pet, you're the only one who matters!
[deleted]: its my girlfriends dog not mine
gartloneyrat: If you're taking the dog for a walk, you're taking on the job of cleaning up after it. If you don't want that, don't walk the dog. If your girlfriend can't always walk the dog and can't find someone who can put on their big-boy pants who will do it, she shouldn't have a fucking dog.
I don't like picking up dog shit either. My solution is that I don't own a dog or take on the job of walking one.
[deleted]: hahahha. u guys are funny. does the dog pick up my shit? no so i dont pick his up!
gartloneyrat: That's a really good point, next time you're out walking the dog and it takes a shit, you should drop your trousers and take a dump next to his. If he picks yours up, you have to pick his up. But, if the dog eats yours..... well, you know what you have to do.
[deleted]: i take u up on that, pictures to follow....
| 9 | -1 | |
1389280044 | 1389363191 | t3_1ussfu | t5_2to41 | 57 | arm_pitt: TIFU by making a wrong song choice
This happened many years ago but it's only recently that I realized.
---
I was in a romantic relationship and the girl asked me what song reminded me of her.
Background: English is not my first language. At the time I couldn't understand lyrics of most songs.
What song do I go for? "Roxanne" by Sting. I don't remember her reaction, she must have thought I was joking.
Whole time of writing this post my face expresses mixture of cringe and smile.
---
TL;DR: a girl asks me what song reminds me of her; I reply "Roxanne".
---
^edit: ^clarification.
buttholestretcher: Back in middle school in a math class I had our teacher told us to each bring a song and he would make a playlist that we could listen to while taking a test. Well my song was end of the world by R.E.M. I thought it was the coolest song ever at the time and I was genuinely excited to share my selection with the class. Well there was a lot of System of a Down and similar so my song didn't quite fit the genre of choice. When my song came on everyone stopped what they were doing and started laughing uncontrollably even the instructor was laughing. I could feel my face get bright red and I could see everyone searching the class to find the person who brought the song. With my face being as red as it was it didn't take long for everyone to pinpoint me and laugh even more. I felt so ridiculed... Fuck middle school.
skatterbug: I don't even get that. I would pick any R.E.M. song over System of a Down. If I had been in your class I would have been relieved that I had a few minute reprieve from that noise.
R.E.M., imo, is the far superior band.
buttholestretcher: I still like them but little kids are vicious and won't hesitate to humiliate someone any chance they can.
skatterbug: Middle school kids are for sure. It helps them feel better about themselves, I suspect.
| 5 | 11.4 | |
1389278653 | 1389313387 | t3_1usqoj | t5_2to41 | 35 | Tsuichendist: TIFU: by trying to toss my pencil onto my workbench
I want to preface the sorry by saying that I work as a cabinetmaker, so there is a myriad of tools actively trying to maim me, so I was not en guarde for vicious stationary.
Stabbed my palm with a pencil, went to throw it onto my bench and the eraser hit the edge, driving the sharp point 1/4" into my palm. Thankfully it went in at a shallow angle, didn't dig into the meat or cause any permanent damage. I cut off all of the dead skin to make sure there wasn't a shard in my hand, all good.
TL;DR: going to be throwing my pencils overhand from now on.
P.S. Vicky finally lent me her pencil
Edit: story, not sorry
recreationed: Pics?
Tsuichendist: http://imgur.com/xKAfnDz
recreationed: Doesn't *look* bad, but I bet it was painful as shit.
Thanks for delivering OP.
Tsuichendist: Bad angle. It wasn't pleasurable, that's for sure, but I've had worse.
I always feel let down when OP doesn't deliver
| 5 | 7 | |
1389293457 | 1389338657 | t3_1utd34 | t5_2to41 | 541 | [deleted]: TIFU by not backing up my bitcoin wallet.
Recently I did a full system recovery on my computer. I went through and backed up all of my documents, pics, etc. but I forgot to back up my Bitcoin wallet. Because of this I lost a little more than 4 btc. Currently that's valued at ~$4000.
[deleted]: Unless you do multiple full low level formats, which i seriously doubt you did, then this is easily recoverable. You can send the drive to a specialist for about a grand or do it yourself. Either way the most important step is to immediately turn that computer off and do not turn it back on until you are ready to recover.
kr0nus: Eh, afaik on modern hard drives all it takes is one zero-ing out to make any data unrecoverable.
link: http://www.howtogeek.com/115573/htg-explains-why-you-only-have-to-wipe-a-disk-once-to-erase-it/
tchebb: But formatting a partition doesn't zero out anything explicitly. It just writes new filesystem metadata, which doesn't take up all that much space. If the OP hasn't used the computer very much since the format, its likely that the wallet is still present.
D14BL0: Came here to say this. HowToGeek is often full of shit.
Pathogen-David: That HowToGeek article is just fine though. It is not talking about formatting a drive, it is talking about filling it with garbage, which is a completely different process. kr0nus is erroneously bringing up the article though as it doesn't apply in this situation.
| 6 | 90.166667 | |
1389323380 | 1389405734 | t3_1uuq5a | t5_2to41 | 32 | Aggamenawon: TIFU by meeting my gf's family while hammered
Sorry Reddit I had no idea about this sub until reading that ThinkGeek guy's post, but I thought my New Years story would fit here.
Party at the college I go to, but I didn't know who was going to be there and my girlfriend of 1 month wanted to go real bad, so we get the only person available to drive us, her mom (emasculating, I know). First time meeting her, but she's a nice lady. She watches Key and Peele so I referenced the "[black ice](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=efiW2K8gASM)" skit that they did to break the tension (appropriately since I'm black and my gf is white). She loved it and dropped us off at the party.
Fast forward to after the ball drops and I'm white girl wasted. Much merry making was had between us, but now her mom had to drive us down the highway 30 minutes home at 1am, so of course "I'm fine". 20 minutes of wrench turning in my stomach and I've gotta hurl. The mom exclaims that its a rented car and I can't throw up in it, so we park on the side of the highway just as I catch the puke right in my mouth and dive out of the car to spill it everywhere. After expelling my demons, I take one motherfucking step towards the car and what do I make contact with? (Hint: it's not God) Motherfucking **BLACK ICE**. I slip and go legs up and flat back on my own puke. I laid there on the side of the highway in my own puke and single digit weather in front of her mom, thinking "#NewYearNewMe!!".
We get back to her house for me to compose myself and I'm a damn mess. I take one step out of her bathroom and who do I meet? (Hint: its not the Walrus) It's her dad, in boxers and half awake. "Oh this is my dad, btw". Thanks, babe. I stumble outside and away from his death stare to the front lawn where her mom's placed a towel on her car seat so I can get home. One step onto the lawn and who do I meet for the first time? Hint it's..... fuck it, it's her brother and the second she introduced me. the first and only thing that I said to this kid before boarding my chariot home was:
"Watch out for black ice"
TLDR; Met my gf's family for the first time, absolutely hammered, after being driven from a New Year's Party. Fuck black ice, fuck it.
shortfermata: Well, if her mom watches Key and Peele, she must have a pretty alright sense of humour. You guys can come back from this. Just don't mess up again in the future.
Aggamenawon: Thanks, thats what I figured at this point... A little apology gift to butter her up will help. The dad though... ugh..... nightmares
shortfermata: Ha, dads are supposed to be tough. Don't forget, chances are she's probably his little girl in his eyes. So just treat your girlfriend and the rest of the family well from here on out. Don't forget about the brother. LOL.
| 4 | 8 | |
1389330267 | 1389664398 | t3_1uuzzp | t5_2to41 | 69 | cooooook123: TIFU by shooting my dick.
This happened when I was junior high, but that makes it all the better to me lol.
One warm summer afternoon my brother and I were relaxing in our lazy boy chairs. For some dumb reason, I had my airsoft pistol with me. I suppose it was because I had some weird obsession with the hobby at the time. Anyway, my pubescent self popped a chubby for no reason at all. It should be noted that I was wearing Basketball shorts. My brother noticed this and said "I dare you to shoot your dick!" Sly me decides to cock the gun and flick on the safety. "The safety is on," I said in my same all knowing manner. I pulled the trigger... POP! "Ahhh!! My dick!"
I ran out of the room, with my bleeding dick, crying and laughing at the same time. It hurt to piss for a couple weeks.
This occurrence has earned me the nickname of "DougyMcChubby." Most people think that the name is in reference to my pudgy gut, but in reality I earned it by shooting my dick...
My penis has made full recovery since then
Teddie1056: Reminds me of a situation I had in high school. My friend thought the airsoft gone was unloaded. He pointed it at my dick at point blank range. I said, "Please don't." He did. It hurt.
cooooook123: It's a shitty experience man, but at least you didn't have yourself to blame... lololol
Teddie1056: I fucked up by letting that kid hold any sort of weapon.
cooooook123: We all know a guy like that.
| 5 | 13.8 | |
1389334863 | 1389441709 | t3_1uv5fb | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU My Driving Test -_-
So basically I was taking my test and had to make a left. It had its own stoplight and it was yellow. My stupid ass/reflexes decides to punch it and try to beat it to the red. Like seriously! Wtf was I thinking? Still mad at myself.
I obviously failed and my driving instructor wasn't too much of a dick about it. Well he did say, "You're rushing when you're driving. Take it slow, this is only 20 minutes of your driving career." That driving/inspirational life advice gives me hope. Here's hoping for a pass 2 weeks from now.
edit: typo
TheEwokApocalypse: I failed my first test, pulled off in reverse by accident, passed the second time around! If there is hope for me there's definitely hope for you. Good luck on your next test!
GravityChanges: Holy crap.. Reading all these "I failed by" stories are making me scared to go on the road- I never knew this was that common.
Although, if you had an older model foreign car with a stick I could more understand it. I drive an old 88 911 and it has reverse where most cars have 1st without a big difference or any markings. I've never taken off in reverse on accident, but I am always paranoid and check first.
TheEwokApocalypse: I'm in the uk so it was! The damn thing nearly caught me out a few times.
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1389326721 | 1389361519 | t3_1uuv5z | t5_2to41 | 19 | Fereta: TIFU by somehow getting my car stuck in my driveway.
Long-ass read.
So it's fucking 4:50 PM, and my shift starts at 5. I'm a senior in high school so I just work at a pizza place. Lately we've been getting a *ton* of snow and cold weather, so driving conditions aren't the best.
I hop into my car, and start to back out of the driveway. Next thing I know, the car won't fucking budge. I get out and take a peek, and the tires are just sinking into the compressed layer of snow on the driveway. It didn't help that I had floored it a couple of times, trying to get the car to go somewhere. Under each tire was just a slippery little valley. Couldn't do shit about it. I wasn't even stuck in accumulated snow. The tires were simply spinning on the surface of the driveway.
I try everything I can: forward, reverse, left, right, put some carpet under a tire, etc. Nothing. Fucking. Works. At this point it's 5:02, so I'm already late and I haven't even gotten my car to move.
I call my boss and try to explain the situation, saying that I'll be in as soon as possible but my car is currently stuck.
"Well, the roads are pretty clear so, yeah, I guess I really just don't believe you."
"I'm not on the road, I'm just stuck in my driveway."
"Sure thing." *click*
I try for about another minute with the car before loudly exclaiming my resentment towards the situation, and then I head off on foot. On. Foot. I fucking run to work. I run to work on a bike path for a mile and a half in a foot of snow in 5 degree (F) temperatures.
I get into work, clock in, wash my hands, and go up to my boss. I say,
"Man, I'm sorry, I couldn't get my car to move so I just ran here."
"..."
Doesn't even look at me. He walks away and leaves. He's coming back in later to take care of some orders for tomorrow.
I should probably add that I wasn't even scheduled to work today. Yesterday he asked me if I would be able to work for a couple of hours today, and naturally I said sure. I've never been late. I've never done anything of questionable integrity. Nothing.
So he leaves and I work for awhile. Everybody else is pretty fucking fine with my being 10-15 minutes late. We weren't even busy. People found out I had to run in this weather and they just couldn't believe it. Totally sympathized with me.
Just as I'm clocking out, my boss gets back. Walks right past me, doesn't say a word or even look at me. I get my coat on, say goodbye to everyone at once, but most directly him, and he just glances at me and looks away.
I leave. I walk home in now colder temperatures, in a foot of snow, in the dark, for a mile and a half.
I walk in the door and suddenly get berated.
My mom tells me that my obvious lack of inattentiveness to my surroundings shown by getting my car stuck seems to show that I'm not a good driver, and that I likely shouldn't be driving in the winter. It's also apparently not safe for me to drive anymore.
Fuck this day.
TLDR: My boss thinks I'm a liar, my mother thinks I'm a danger to myself.
sammyabb89: I'd definitely make a video proving you were stuck just in case your boss tries to fire you.
Fereta: Called a fucking tow truck to get moved 1 foot in my driveway. Not stuck anymore.
sammyabb89: Good, keep your receipt! :D
Fereta: Didn't even think of that. Good idea.
| 5 | 3.8 | |
1389341853 | 1389387753 | t3_1uvbk5 | t5_2to41 | 1,601 | PEE_EYE_THROWAWAY: TIFU by peeing in the shower.
So just about an hour ago I was about to have a shower and I needed to pee so I thought I know, I'll just do it in the shower to save water. I then thought lets see how high I can pee. So I sat of the floor of the shower and pointed my dick up and built up as much pressure as I could and let it all out. It came out at an angle and hit me directly in my eye. I rinsed it out and it still stings..
[deleted]: I've never thought of pinching it off to pee farther. Must try this now.
Crazylor: Don't do it!!! I dunno how he accomplished this, but the one time I did do this, my blood vessels popped. NOT FUN!! Too much pressure.
[deleted]: I don't overdo things generally.
read: I'm kind of a pussy
MrRandomSuperhero: You say this, but you have a prince albert.
[deleted]: Had one. Now I just have the hole.
MrRandomSuperhero: I always wondered, how painfull is it to get one?
[deleted]: I'll give you a brief rundown. I undid my pants for the girl and lied on my back. She pushed a small tube a little ways into my urethra (not painful) and then pushed the needle through the skin just under the head on the underside, right into the tube. I guess the tube protects the inside of the urethra.
The moment the needle goes it it's about 1/4 or a second of excruciating pain. After that it doesn't hurt again at any point, even when she's putting the ring in.
Actually, the only other time it hurt was months later when I was sitting at my desk nude with an erection, and I pulled myself forward and jammed the tip of my dick into the edge of the desk. It hurt and then bled for a short time.
I guess I was masturbating.
MrRandomSuperhero: That's anticlimactic, haha.
I don't think I want to muster the courage for one though, not my piece of dick, ehm, cake.
[deleted]: If you're not super interested then don't worry about it. You know? The only thing I would say is bad is that I have an extra urethral opening now that I'm not sure how I could close up.
onetrueping: There's always the stapler...
[deleted]: Aaaaand now I have two more holes.
onetrueping: Good thing you have a stapler handy, yes?
| 13 | 123.153846 | |
1389351373 | 1389391905 | t3_1uvhwl | t5_2to41 | 22 | ninjajandal: TIFU by sending an email
TIFU by sending the email cementing my decision. The email was to the head of school, and confirmed that I would not be returning to finish my degree. This (incredibly difficult to get into) degree has already cost two years of my life, $40k in student loans and untold stress, and I'm throwing all away for logic.
I have missed too much life doing this degree. Family, friends, socializing, any ability to earn any money or good forbid relax, all victim to study. My kids are pretty young, and I've heard far too many times "I had my concert/ran my cross country/did something that means so much to me"...... only to be filled by hurt eyes and the words "but you weren't there mum".
Everything logical dictates that I have made the correct decision. But in my heart and my gut, there is regret like I've never known before- I wanted this degree so badly, this was my fiercest passion, I had so many plans, I'd already come so far! So I'm sorry, redditors, that this isn't something to bring a smirk to your face or cause to say to your roommates "guess what this fucktard did! " This is a purge, a basin attempt to empty my mind and unburden me enough to finally, for the first time in weeks, sleep. Just to sleep.
djgump35: So, to be clear:
You weren't fully commited to the decision? Making this a TIFU.
You seem to have thought it through, so I don't really think you f'd up. I hope you can find peace with this, and perhaps someday finish. I too didn't finish, I didn't pay as much, but I am paid up, the day you are able to say that is an accomplishment itself.
I really think people get too hung up on such things anyway. When you die, it won't matter what school you went to, what you did for entertainment, or what you did to make money, it will simply matter how you lived,how much you lived,how many lives you touched,how you touched them, and how much you touched them.
ninjajandal: Thanks (to you and everyone else) for the kind words. It feels like a fuck up cos I'm so unsure whether it's the right decision. The subject is such I defining passion the turning away from it feels so wrong, even if I know that logically I've done the right thing.
ZeroScifer: I would see if there are any classes that can be done part time or threw distance learning. You might not be able to finish it all that way but then you can still have the time with your children and do a bit towards what you want. Also in a few years maybe you willgoback and anything you do now part time will make that stress load lighter then.
The future isn't set in stone, your life is not a single set path. You can life for one thing while preparing for another.
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1389361013 | 1389387508 | t3_1uvp42 | t5_2to41 | 306 | PinkBootedBandit: TIFU by trying to have sex with my GF in the middle of the night.
My girlfriend who will be named Reine came home from work later than I did. I had already showered, brushed my teeth and was snuggled beneath my bed sheets when she came in bed. Usually we have sex before bed almost everynight but it was late and I had to work at 7am the next day. At about 3 a.m I woke up horny and in need of my daily dose of Reine. She is always receptive of my sexual advances no matter what the time of day (or night in my instance).
Because I went to bed before Reine, we didn't have the opportunity to get in the proper spooning position and my back was turned to her and she was behind me. I turned my head to reposition myself for my advance when my forehead collided directly with my sleeping girlfriends eyebrow. It must have been a perfect headbutt considering I didn't feel any pain despite the bone on bone sound emitted. After much crying and me apologizing profusely I masked my intentions, and bulging PJs, and claimed to have heard a sound coming from the window to explain why I turned my head so sharply.
She complained of a headache and kept her head a good distance from me for the rest of the night.
tldr: MMA headbutted my gf during the night.
paxenb: I find that adorably horrible, for some reason.
SnorlaxMaster: *Adorrible?*
paxenb: THIS.
fgdncso: You shut your fucking mouth
| 5 | 61.2 | |
1389356602 | 1389422910 | t3_1uvlks | t5_2to41 | 22 | danthezombieking: TIFU by being an elevator creeper.
Ok, so... I live in an apartment(yay me!). I had just hailed the elevator. I'm standing in the metal entrence-thing to the elevator. I got bored, so I stretched out my arms over my head(it was pretty relaxing). Then I realised that I could see my reflection in the metal door, so I start making faces and noises that sound kind of like zombies from minecraft. So, of course, the door opens to a 20-40something lady (I am an american high school student living in China, so I completely tower over this lady. Can't tell how old she was due to asian-ness and layers of makeup) she seems suprised and a little startled. I resume my "pretend like nothing happened face" and lower my arms, let her pass, and go into the elevator.
TL;DR: Was making faces and noises in the enterence to an elevator, door opens to civilian
dralcax: You weren't being a creeper. Creepers don't make zombie noises.
[deleted]: Ptssssssssssssssssssssss....
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1389349771 | 1389466417 | t3_1uvgwz | t5_2to41 | 74 | Jester_Man: TIFU by spilling my piss everywhere in the hospital.
My fuck up isn't as bad as other people here but I felt like sharing. So today, I went in for my regular kidney check ups and had to pee in a cup so they can determine if my kidneys are doing what they are supposed to do. Well, I hadn't slept in over 24 hours so I'm exhausted and my body is trembling from trying to keep myself up and awake. As I am peeing into the cup I realize I'm not even peeing into the cup, I'm peeing on the floor to the side of the toilet, so now there is pee on the floor. Then I finally got some into the cup and then I start to put on the lid to the cup, well as I am twisting the lid on, I drop the cup and the piss spills everywhere and flows under the door and outside, into the lobby. Everybody saw.
Jamarcus911: If this was at the MUHC in Montreal, I smelled it -.-
Jester_Man: Lol, nah, Portland, Oregon OHSU
Jamarcus911: ahh I see
| 4 | 18.5 | |
1389372044 | 1389482846 | t3_1uw2st | t5_2to41 | 102 | [deleted]: TIFU by trusting a burger from a hookah bar.
So last night I got out of work, and my stomach was furious with me for neglecting it all day. I was thinking of what to do for dinner, but my friends wanted to go to a hookah bar. I was a little hesitant at first but they assured me that they have good food, so I agreed.
I ordered their deluxe burger with a "special blend of herbs." Sounded a bit disconcerting, but hey, it fit the setting well. As soon as they brought it out I should have changed my mind. It smelled eerily similar to my gym bag. I was just too damn hungry and surrendered myself to the ungodly burger in front of me. It tasted decent, so I soon forgot about my apprehension.
Fast forward to now. I'm sitting in the bathroom at work with my boxers in the garbage can next to me thinking of a way out. I trusted a fart. I shouldn't have trusted a God damn thing. I could go commando but I work up close with patients and my pants are pretty thin.
TL;DR I trusted a fart sprinkled with special herbs from a hookah bar.
Apocolypse007: I'll reset the counter.
sffunfun: /r/ifuckingshitmypantsagain/
| 3 | 34 | |
1389369969 | 1389584090 | t3_1uvzt7 | t5_2to41 | 20 | tmac33: TIFU... My last hour
TIFU..Today I went to the sauna. As I'm in the change room I drop my phone (which has a serious case) and the screen breaks. As I sit in the sauna feeling sorry for myself, I think chipper up 1st world problem. Then I chuck some water on the hot rocks and bam!! Massive steam burn on my hand. Now I have a burning hand and a broken phone. Shiiiiiit!
Asshole_Salad: On the bright side, you're still in the sauna while most of us in the US are still at work.
Dolens: You're a 'glass half full' kind of guy, aren't you?
arthur990807: I'm the "glass full and empty simultaneously" kind of guy.
Dolens: So 'Glass at half capacity' kind of guy? Welcome to the club!
arthur990807: Nae. It's at half capacity until you measure it.
| 6 | 3.333333 |
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