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1389344429 | 1390054011 | t3_1uvde1 | t5_2to41 | 21 | JohnoTheFoolish: TIFU by eating Christmas pudding
I was away from home over the Christmas holidays so I missed out on my grandmother's Christmas pudding (also known as plum pudding (because raisins used to be called plums). For those that don't know, Christmas pudding is a tradional English pudding made with dried fruit, nuts, spices, eggs, and molasses/treacle (recipies are highly individual but those are the core ingredients). I was in a grocery store just after New Years and saw they were clearing out the puddings. I picked one up and ate it last night. As I was throwing the packing out, I realized it was meant to serve four people. I spent most of the night writhing around with a seemingly tennis ball-sized lump in my digestive tract and after I finally pooped this morning, my farts were walking down the hallway of my colon, swinging a cane.
Livxx14: You sure the raisins weren't prunes? Prunes are dried plums, so it'd make more sense to call the pudding plum pudding if it had prunes. Feel better soon!
JohnoTheFoolish: Plum pudding doesn't contain plums. The name comes from England where raisins used to be called plums (I don't know what they called plums at the time, probably Reginald).
Livxx14: That's pretty interesting! I wonder why they were called plums... Is it the same as figgy pudding?
JohnoTheFoolish: I would guess that plum was a generic word for dried stonefruit (fruit with a prominant seed or 'stone' in the center. I'm not sure how far back seedless grapes were cultivated so seeded grapes might have been considered a stonefruit.
The two dishes are very similar. The non-fruit ingredients are basically the same (though Christmas pudding is generally darker from a higher proportion of molasses, often in the form of brown sugar) and both use raisins/sultans and apples but figy pudding actually contains figs while plum pudding usually has citrus, peel, cherries, and nuts (basically the wider varier of candied/dried fruit, the better). Both contain an amount of hard liquor (usually brandy or dark rum [or both]) and due to my Irish heritage, homemade Christmas pudding also has a couple cans of Guinness (one for me, one for the pudding).
Livxx14: Hahaha my mom makes beer bread that way. 2 for her, one for the bread if it's lucky
| 6 | 3.5 | |
1389379930 | 1390377348 | t3_1uwezw | t5_2to41 | 44 | 8_ball: TIFU by chugging whitening mouthwash
Sooo yeah, not very pleasant. Here's the story:
My girlfriend and I had booked a cruise a few months ago. Being cheap college students, we decided to smuggle as much booze on the boat as possible. One of the ways we brought some on the boat was emptying and washing out a listerine mouthwash bottle and filling it up with our liquor of choice. At the store, we found the whitening type was an opaque [container](https://www.google.com/search?q=listerine+whitening+mouthwash&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=6z3QUq35CKfJsQTG0ICIDA&ved=0CAkQ_AUoAQ&biw=1600&bih=838). Perfect! No matching colors or anything like that.
So the cruise went well, bought a couple drinks on board, drank our own booze while pregaming, blah blah fun times. Where I fucked up was after getting home.
Since I'm apparently too cheap for my own good, I saved the listerine from the bottle in an empty plastic [Dasani](https://www.google.com/search?q=dasani+water+bottle&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=fkDQUom7OomzsQSFpYGADA&ved=0CEEQsAQ&biw=1600&bih=838) water bottle, which still had the label on it. The whitening mouthwash is clear and had settled for a few weeks so there were no bubbles or anything. Can you see where this is going yet? Yeah, I was thirsty and the first thing I saw was a Dasani bottle on the counter. Fuck yeah no more thirst for me. Bottoms up!
I got through two large swigs before it hit me. If you have never used this kind of mouthwash, it REALLY foams up and has kind of a strange taste. Neither of these characteristics sat very well in my stomach. I could feel it foaming, expanding, bleaching, tearing me apart. I burped foam. It burned like whiskey but not pleasantly for a few seconds, no, this feeling stayed for hours.
I actually called poison control I felt so bad. They just laughed at me and said there's nothing to worry about you didn't drink enough to cause any harm. It'll go away eventually.
It did go away, but that was a terrible few hours. Learn a lesson from me and just toss out the extra mouthwash, it isn't that expensive anyways.
QuidPr0J0e: Be glad it wasn't the type with alcohol. That can REALLY get you messed up. Ask your local bum.
8_ball: Ew. Buying a cheap ass fifth has to be a better option than going for mouthwash...right?
QuidPr0J0e: Human existence can get pretty dark on society's underbelly.
| 4 | 11 | |
1389384270 | 1389389485 | t3_1uwm1z | t5_2to41 | -1 | Thenovazz: TIFU By trusting.. Yes.. A fart...
So just like 10 minutes ago I was making popcorn in the microwave when I feel this huge fart (i think) is coming out of my big lying Ass. So I do not want to let it out in the kitchen, so I go in to another room, spread my legs a little and push... I was expecting a fart. Well, my lying Ass made my pants drown in some gooey fucking shit. I am right now at the toilet in shame..
TL;DR : I'm one of you guys now.. It's like being kan fight club, but you can talk about it.
jesuslovesponies: You would think that after reading all of these "TIFU by trusting a fart" would teach almost anybody to not let one out even if you have the slightest suspicion that the fart will be malicious. Don't trust farts.
Thenovazz: Let's start a new movement! #nevertrustafart
jesuslovesponies: Im not sure if you have to, pretty much anybody that reads this sub knows not to. And I don't think we would be able to reach past reddit, as it does sound kind of silly.
| 4 | -0.25 | |
1389384102 | 1389455440 | t3_1uwlrl | t5_2to41 | 2 | henney22: TIFU by eating non refrigerated yogurt and meatloaf
So last night, , sorry it wasn't today. But last night I went to work. i work at a call center therefore i have nothing but time. So anyways I hadn't slept much the day before so I was super tired. I get to work with my packed lunch and for some god awful reason i decide it is a good idea to leave my lunch in meh back pack. My backpack is a an insulated back pack, so I thought it would be a good idea at the time. Nope horrible idea. Five hours pass my lunch is now room temp, and i'm sitting at work eating it. I think nothing of it and devoured my lunch. Two hours pass and my stomach is killing me. I ended up with food poisoning and am in constant far of sharting my pants. God help meh but.
KristyConfused: Yogurt is alive when you eat it. That's why you gotta keep it refrigerated, it keeps it from being too active.
Meatloaf too. No not really.
henney22: totally something I forget to remember
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1389411520 | 1389461202 | t3_1uxpc1 | t5_2to41 | 2,804 | secretspaghettisauce: TIFU by eating spaghetti
So, obviously a throwaway to begin with.
Tonight, I made excellent pasta. I cooked enough for seconds for when I get hungry later.
The sauce was a typical gravy. Beef with tomatoes, peppers and onions. Seasoned with my favourites. The noodles were just right.
I ate and then I put my bowl on my coffee table. Paused the movie I was watching and commenced to watching porn. It was a flick about BBW and when my favourite goddess (Maserati) began to perform, I lost control. My only problem was I ran out of tissues yesterday...so in my haste I reached for the bowl and finished off in there.
A half hour goes by and the shame washes away. I feel hungry again.
I grab my bowl and put the rest of my pasta in. Nuke it with a bit of butter and sat down again. Continued to watch my movie.
I pause the movie again as I open my Firefox and noticed my porn tab was still open. Then it dawns on me as I chew on my last bite...
I nuked my leftovers with my cum. I just ate my cum mixed in with my pasta.
So now I'm sitting here. Thinking of how things went so wrong. My stomach is making noises and I feel like vomiting.
TIFU. And it'll be a while before I feel like eating spaghetti again.
MrBig0: Regardless of what you did or didn't eat, I have never heard spaghetti sauce called gravy.
Borthwick: Some Italian Americans call it gravy, most of my family does.
thecrikster: Indians do the same thing with curry sauce. I kinda like it.
NightOfPandas: can confirm, was in india and curry everything is amazing. also, curry is not a sauce, it's just spices.
oftenlygetscatraped: curry sauce is a sauce though.
AnotherDrunkenBum: No, it's Fucking gravy!
oftenlygetscatraped: I have never heard anyone refer to anything other than the sauce based off meat juices.
I don't care about cultural differences and such. you are wrong.
AnotherDrunkenBum: Look motherfucker, i don't appreciate you calling me out in front of my kids like that. Do we have to take this to private messages?
oftenlygetscatraped: Ey, I fucking love gravy and I wont have people sullying her name with their damned sauces.
decent__username: nobody puts gravy in the corner
| 11 | 254.909091 | |
1389418364 | 1389820980 | t3_1uxxq3 | t5_2to41 | 12 | zootermopsis: TIFU by recommending drugs to an intern
We had an intern last summer, whose mother happens to be our HR contact. The intern did awesome work and everyone in the office thinks highly of the work she did. She is no longer interning for us, but she occasionally stops by and seeks out a few of us for advice on random topics.
Today she came by and we talked about course load potentially having 1 too many courses for the semester. I related to her my college years when I was taking (prescribed) drugs that gave me insomnia and how they actually helped me get through working 40 to 50 hours plus taking 18 credit hours of school. Told her that there are even better drugs now and that they may help her....did I mention her mom is HR boss?
TLDR: Told the daughter of our HR lead that drugs are good.
AnotherDrunkenBum: But Drugs are good, just ask TV.
countfenrir: I personally love drugs.
zer0t3ch: I second this.
| 4 | 3 | |
1389425601 | 1389427079 | t3_1uy4lo | t5_2to41 | 42 | JRPGpro: TIFU by breaking my ankle for nothing
So a few weeks ago a kinda redditor responded to my plea to find a cheap memory card for my PS Vita. And the most awesome thing happened! He is sending me one for free! You heard that right, a free Vita memory card because he is the coolest person ever.
Now I know it takes awhile to ship things across states but I was hoping that on Friday it would come in. Now a little preface before this shitty fuck up. In Idaho it is snowing! A lot too.
I decided that as soon as I got home I would change into casual clothes and go check the mail. BUT I decided to run to the mailbox. About 3/4ths of the way there I slipped. Now I am usually very good with slipping and I can catch myself. This time I wasn't very lucky. I slid on the ground and heard a cringe worthy crack followed by some of the worst pain I have ever experienced. Of course my anxiety sets in and I am breathing hard and thinking irrationally. I almost decide to stand up but in the end I just lay on the ground and make an awkward phone call to my stepmother saying that I am damn sure I broke my leg. That took me a little bit to get out though due to my frequent quick inhalations. She panicked and thankfully was only about ten short minutes away from home.
So now I have the small bone in my leg fractured. I get a cool ass boot and some awesome pain meds as well. But the kicker of this story is...
THE CARD WASN'T EVEN IN THE MAILBOX!!!!
Yep that's right, I ran to the mailbox, broke my leg, and it was all for nothing. Zilch, jack shit. Today I really fucked up...
TL;DR I slipped and broke my leg whilst heading to my mailbox which I was hoping to contain my package. Nothing in mailbox; at least I got pain meds.
AnotherDrunkenBum: Look on the bright side, at least you didn't shit yourself after you fell. So there is that, I'd say you broke even. 1/1
JRPGpro: Oh my god. That would have made things so much worse. Since I couldn't even move so I would have had to have my stepmother drag me into the house and get cleaned before driving to the hospital.
AnotherDrunkenBum: See, you got lucky. :)
| 4 | 10.5 | |
1389424526 | 1389509780 | t3_1uy3pp | t5_2to41 | 46 | [deleted]: TIFU by masturbating in the dark.
I was laying in bed and felt a little tired, but mildly horny. So I relax and engage fap-mode. Much to my surprise, when I finished an impressive load erupted and out, and although lying horizontally, it went past my shoulder, getting on my pillow. Of course there was a trail over my whole torso, and since I wasn't wearing a shirt it had to get cleaned off. I felt it land on me though, and, being rather impressed with myself, and it being dark, I picked up my phone to shine some light to inspect the damage. Looking at the small puddle of semen on my shoulder I forgot to hold an iron grip on my light source and dropped my phone directly into. I picked up begrudgingly, in total disbelief of what I just did. It's not even like I could wash it either, but fortunately the buttons haven't stuck together.
TL;DR- Blew big, dropped phone in it and shot my pillow with my skin-pistol.
T3hBau5: You still have a phone with buttons?
Cproo12: If ops phone has buttons, he needs a new phone anyways.
EDIT: unless he meant iphone home/lock/sound buttons
EDIT 2: Blackberries.
Snannybobo: But those buttons don't have the possibility to get stuck together
Cproo12: Perhaps he meant stuck down. How would buttons get stuck together? Even if they did, couldn't you just press only one down and get them unstuck?
Snannybobo: You could I suppose. Never had a situation where I couldn't
| 6 | 7.666667 | |
1389430748 | 1389754048 | t3_1uy8cw | t5_2to41 | 44 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to hide some farts
It was the day after thanksgiving and I was having a second dinner with my family. I had to leave early to make it home in time to get ready for a show. It was about an hour drive and I paid my male friend to make the commute to pick me up and take me home.
I started feeling kind of bloated about 30 minutes into the drive (at this point we are in the middle of bum fucked nowhere). Minutes later I had to fart really bad so I cracked the window for a smoke, hoping to hide my gassy releases.
Two cigarettes in I realized I had made a horrible mistake...nicotine is a laxative. With no bathroom in sight I started to get nervous, only becoming more gassy. With only 15 more minutes to go I figured I would be able to hold it until I got home.
I was wrong.
10 more minutes passed and I was writhing in agony. I was feverish and had broken into a cold sweat, my guts curdling from the turkey dinner. Every toot that escaped was a blessing from above. By the time we pulled up to my house I was using every ounce of strength in my body to keep from messing myself. I quickly thanked my driver and waddled to the garage door when a sudden wave of hopelesness washed over me. And a huge, hot, stinking bout a shit erupted into the seat of my jeans. I didn't even make into the house.
Tldr; I tried to conceal some farts and ended up shitting myself
jpaschel: Well folks, looks like it's time to reset the clock yet again. Arms are getting tired.
The_Master_of_LOLZ: >Arms are getting tired
At least they're not broken
puphop: Reset the clock again[](/princessbj)
| 4 | 11 | |
1389431441 | 1389647717 | t3_1uy8rx | t5_2to41 | 188 | AnotherDrunkenBum: TIFU: Been using a silly name on my job hunt email.
So today i finally realized why I've between having awful luck job hunting on the internet for three Fucking years!!!
I've been using an email that i thought was all prim and proper to reply to help wanted ads. My address was fine, but google had put my YouTube account name as my name.
Would you hire anotherdrunkenbum?
No Fucking wonder I've had shit luck after sending out thousands of email responses.
It's like going to a job interview with dicks drawn on your face, no matter what you say, you ain't getting the job.
d3n14l: Well, that's just... wow. Three years basically wasted. I have mixed feelings about this. I'm laughing at your misfortune but I'm also sorry this happened to you.
Did you at least have a job in the meantime?
AnotherDrunkenBum: I've had two really Shitty low end jobs. But the lengthy unemployment really left me crushed and depressed with low self esteem.
But, on the really positive side of things, at least i didn't shit my pants :)
And, i should have better luck finding a better job now that I'm not shooting myself in the foot :)
So, while i fucked up, I'm really stoked to have fixed it.
Wish it happened yesterday though....
d3n14l: Better late than never, though. I see how longer phases of unemployment and crappy jobs can be depressing since I am/was kind of in the same boat. For different reasons, but still.
I spent the last couple of years failing out of college twice, delivering pizza and slaving away as a stagehand. Next monday I'm starting a new job, this time even one I can actually earn a living with. If I can do it, you can too. Best of luck to you!
AnotherDrunkenBum: Delivering pizza... I just applied for a gig like that. I just moved to a new town to escape. I saw an as that said "get a shit wage, but you might get tips and you can listen to your car stereo!" And i had to apply. dream job!!!
After this last few years of being half broke, i don't like people anymore. I like music. Loud bass driven music. I'm so down for a ditty job if out means i Get to sit in my car and puff my vape pen
d3n14l: It's definitely better than no job, but for me it got old really fast. The pay is also extremely shitty, but that may depend on where you live. But yeah, it's fun for a while.
Also, what kind of music do you like? Loud and bass driven sounds like something I might dig.
AnotherDrunkenBum: EDM!!! last summer i downloaded some hardstyle and fell in love. Basically any loud EDM with a strong beat and minimal vocals. Hard core Techno is amazing, my second favorite genre.
Anything that really gets my body moving is very appealing to me and hardstyle is what really gets me going :)
organicjavelin: Drum and Bass!!!!!!
AnotherDrunkenBum: Yes, basically :)
I like a beat that is repetitive.
I mainly download dj sets from sound cloud. I like when the beat goes on for hours and hours
44Cobra44: Check out Savant and Infected Mushroom.
| 10 | 18.8 | |
1389435189 | 1390228835 | t3_1uyb1a | t5_2to41 | 92 | SquishMitt3n: TIFU by telling a customer to be careful of heatstroke.
As some of you may know, today in Perth (Western Australia) the temperature reached about 44 degrees (111.2 farenheit, for the Yanks) - which is strangely late for a hot January day. Some people were at the beach, some were staying at home in their luxurious air conditioning, some were even frying eggs in the sun. I, however was at work, slaving away at a small corner shop counting down the hours until I would be free from this retched slavery.
The clock rolls on to about 2 o'clock, nearing the expected time for the temperature to peak at 44. Customers were few and far between, when a lovely old lady walks in and says hello. I respond in kind, and await her purchase. She waddles up to the counter, places down $2.50 and asks for a paper, before make a quick comment about the heat. I respond "Yeah it's going to be bloody hot soon, better stick to the shade so you don't get heatstroke."
She turns towards me. A smirk crawls across her face. Well...
Half of it, anyway.
**tl;dr** Stroke victims aren't worried about heatstroke.
KristyConfused: Heatstroke is not the same as stroke. Stroke victims SHOULD worry about it.
SquishMitt3n: Learn to recognise jokes. Your life will be a lot cheerier.
sativan: Australians are terrible at telling jokes.
Learn to tell them.
SquishMitt3n: You are a terrible person. Go do something productive.
| 5 | 18.4 | |
1389465725 | 1389467096 | t3_1uz2bw | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking my medication.
I take seizure meds for bipolar and skipped them for a week for reasons I'll not disclose. If I take it after a week of skipping, it will get me stoned. I got the brilliant fucking idea to take 500 mg instead of my prescribed 300 mg so I could have been on goddamn Mars and wouldn't have noticed. As if that wasn't enough, I drank a bottle of Chardonnay and nasally chased it with Xanax. I will now take the opportunity to say that I was born without common sense. The cocktail of bad decisions made me incredibly horny. I was like "So help me God I WILL get some D before the day's out." I know this guy who has wanted to hook up with me since August, so without thinking I shot him a booty text. The rest is history. True, this isn't as fucky as some of the other posts in this subreddit. This isn't some silly anecdote about shitting my pants or whatever but I feel so dirty I needed to get it off my chest. Homeboy's kind of infamous for being a sleazebag and I can't tell anyone I know. Better a bunch of strangers I'll never meet think I'm a druggie slut than my friends and family. Please tell me I'm not the only one who has had a "Wtf did I sleep with you for" moment. Help a lady out :(
TL;DR: At least I didn't fuck a middle aged pimp in exchange for smack.
masterofwolves: I feel like maybe you should post this in r/BipolarReddit instead of here.
werewolfoffeverswamp: That's a thing?
masterofwolves: Yes, for people with bipolar disorder like you and I to share things and ask questions, and support one another.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1389466646 | 1389494787 | t3_1uz3a9 | t5_2to41 | 674 | Suneoc: I still don't know what to do with myself.
themindofthat: Nah but in all seriousness, he deserved it. All the strangers there were probably cheering you on in their minds.
Suneoc: Part of me also thinks that. But still, he was just a kid being a kid in a way. Until he got punched. In the face. By me.
themindofthat: Okay. Being an obnoxious Dick munch can not be excused by being a child. I mean if anything you might have helped the little prick. Imagine if he tried that shit on someone with a knife.
I can only say that it's pretty cool how self critical you are as a result of these events. A lot of people wouldn't have their conscience all up in their face about it.
Suneoc: You've got a point. I also think he deserved a lesson for sure. But maybe something else than a fist in the snotbox. Then again, taking my time, and explaining to him that what he was doing was wrong, probably wouldn't have made a huge impact on him anyways, now that I think about it. So I guess you could say, today I actually didn't fuck up, in fact I did the opposite, by helping a little kid becoming a better human being with an intellectual and teaching paw to the jaw. I feel much better about myself now. Thank you!
dylanblock: What the actual fuck? Your actually trying to justify punching a child? For just making obnoxious noises? You should feel really horrible for doing that. That's pretty close to being the same as those asshole playing that knockout game. Shame on you sir.
themindofthat: Mate, Dylan or whatever the fuck your name is. You can go die in a fire.
dylanblock: Just because I don't think anyone should justify punching a 12 or 13 year old as teaching them a lesson? That's kind of drastic way to explain that you disagree man.
themindofthat: For making a guy feel guilty about something that he shouldn't feel guilty about.
i_pk_pjers_i: This is very true. I don't condone violence and I think there's just as effective ways of teaching children a lesson when they need it with less side effects, but you shouldn't go and make him feel so guilty. What is done is done.
dylanblock: It was more of me saying he should feel guilty for trying justify it as okay because he was teaching him a lesson. But you are right, what's done is done and I shouldn't make someone feel guilty for it.
| 11 | 61.272727 | |
1389468943 | 1389570315 | t3_1uz6re | t5_2to41 | 34 | arkaodubz: TIFU by setting up my new computer monitor
So my brother got me a new monitor for christmas, a pretty decent Hanns.G deal. Couldn't get it working till yesterday because I needed a replacement converter cable. So I've got it set up in my family house to see how it looks before I pack up and ship off to school again, and I'm telling my whole family how sweet it is.
Fast forwards to that evening. I'm hunting through my old video collection to find something to watch on my new monitor and I find one I don't recognize. Open it, VLC says it needs to fix the AVI file or some such so I click okay and forget about it and browse the web.
My father, my straight-laced lawyer bitter-old-man father walks in to see what all the dual-monitor fuss is about. So I excitedly show him, dragging windows around and showing him my new music creation workflow when suddenly, on my laptop screen, the movie loads. It's porn, of course. A giant nipple appears on the monitor (thank god the sound was off). I stare in absolute horror for an instant before my brain gets into gear and I slam the laptop shut.
Thank god for OSX Mavericks and its new dual-monitor features, cause now, when you close your laptop, it doesn't go into sleep mode - it just moves all of your open windows to the second monitor and keeps right on running.
That's right. The tit doggedly followed me onto the nice, big, hi-def monitor I was showing my pops, where I did the only thing I could logically do at the moment - I moved the iTunes window in front of it and pretended it wasn't there.
Fucking Apple.
EnjoyNukaCola: Tit, just one, thats it? Consider yourself lucky that could have been substantially worse.
arkaodubz: Oh I do. Just one huge tit in all its hi-def glory.
| 3 | 11.333333 | |
1389454131 | 1389628034 | t3_1uynuk | t5_2to41 | 59 | TickleTh1sElmo: TIFU by vomiting on my cat
It's been years since I have gotten sick enough to throw up. I woke up around 9pm, having to be at work at 3am. I felt rumbling and decided to go to the toilet. When I open my door, my cat is sitting there. She starts rubbing on leg when I feel very lightheaded. I spewed up right there on her back. She jumps and starts clawing my leg while I stand there helpless.
I ended up calling out of work for the first time ever and spending 7 hours running to and from the toilet.
Sickwater: TL;DR at end.
Turnabout is fair play.
When I was born, I was brought into a house with four dogs and two cats. I love cats and dogs. Life seems empty without them. I've always had at least one doge or cat, unless circumstance prevented it. I even tried to keep a cat in my college dorm. I got away with it for a semester and a half. But I digress.
Science has proven that babies, cats, and dogs are not happy unless they are regularly involved in reverse-peristaltic manouevers. In this light, I'm sure there were many relatively equal exchanges of "friendly fire" during the first four years of my life.
Since that happy time, the weight of fire has shifted decisively to the feline and canine side. I cannot count the number of incidences in which I have been actively puked upon during a surpise action.
To be clear, I have had chyme deposited upon my person whislt reading. Eating. Sleeping. Nerding about on the wide world of interwebs. *In flagrante delicto*. Yes. That happened.
Puke on all of the things. In a coffee mug. On my keyboard. Once, in a stroke of dastardly genius, on the remotes.
I have experienced nighttime raids of chyme (which is the semifluid mass of partly digested food expelled by the stomach) deposited in my shoes for me to find with my stocking feet of a morning and upon the coffee table to assist my saucer in adhering to the otherwise frictionless surface. Oh, the inventiveness of those buggers.
Hidden *HOW!?* in between the folds of a clean towel for me to press against my face as I leave the shower.
Don't get me started about the phantom piles of shit; it is by-and-large the canine corps who are responsible. They are fond of leaving these landmines for one to locate at three AM in the dark on the way to have a piss. With one's toes, one finds them. One needed to wash one's left toes with bleach, they were just leaving a reminder.
On a thoroughly disgusting (but still puke-relevant) side note, my now-sober cousin (she had a baby) had this alcoholic doge. I guess the doge is sober now too, by default. That's not the disgusting part. That comes later.
Years ago, my cousin and I lived together and were drinking buddies. Many pleasant evenings were passed on her back porch with a group of friends, sitting around a fire drinking, grilling and listening to music. The porch had been modified into an outdoor living room. The sitting area had brick flooring and deep brick-lined fire pit in the center, with a two-foot circular brick wall rising above ground level to help guard against [this.](http://i.imgur.com/Ub7YO8B.gif) We would sit comfortably on her back porch, around a fire, and socialize (read:drinking) for hours. The area was illuminated by strings of christmas lights and the fire pit was surrounded by comfy chairs and a couch. It was inevitable that drinks would come to rest upon Mother Gaia.
So, my cousin has this dog. He was a real boozehound. *huehuehue*
Really, this dog was all about beers and booze. He was awesome in all ways, but he was inistent that he'd drink what we were drinking. Upon hearing a beer opening, he would present himself front and center and beam telepathic doge-thoughts into the brain of whatever human had opened the beverage.
*c'mon, i'm thirsty. Lemme have some, hooman. I'm dyin' here, man.*
Sitting out on the porch of an evening one had to be careful of one's beer bottle or beverage cup. To set it on the ground next to a chair was to invite disaster. My cousin's dog -a german shephard- would sneak up on an unattanded beverage. He would stalk it like prey. He would get low and crawl up to a beverage and lap it up from the cup.
At first he'd just knock over a beer bottle and drink it right there. Then he got to the point where he'd take the bottle in his teeth and abscond around the corner of the house to drink ~~alone.~~ in peace. One would reach down for the bottle next to one's chair and the bottle would no longer be there; or one's hand would come up short against the back of a doge's neck, a doge who was just then finishing a rum and coke on the rocks.
Later in the evening, once the serious drinking began, many's the night my cousin and I both got fall-down, blackout, zero-fucks-given, fistfighting, puking drunk. We were drinkers of the "overly-manly man" school of drinking. As in "There are no strong drinks, just weak people." We drank heroic quantities of straight Johnny Walker.
When the end would come, I preferred the toilet; though my cousin opted to position herself on her stomach out in the garden bushes. She'd be prostrated there with her head to one side; puking silently, not fighting it, just letting it all come up.
Asked if she was O.K., between abdominal contractions she'd respond in the affirmative. Now, this puke was still strong with ETOH. That's nerd for party likker.
Here's where the disgusting part begins in earnest.
Her dog would **drink her party-likker puke straight from her mouth.** Fresh from the source, as it were. I saw it happen many times. As though she were a miraculous fountain of whiskey-spew, he would lap it up before it even left her mouth. She tried to push him away the first few times, but he would not be denied. I tried to hold him back a few times, but when you are piss drunk you can't hold back a piss-drunk german shephard doge who wants to get drunker. Not for more than a few bananoseconds, anyway.
The dog learned that if his doge-senses registered the smell of Johnny Walker, the bushes were likely to be fed. Most nights he could be seen laying in wait in the flowerbeds around two or three AM.
Oh, how I miss those days.
True Story.
**TL;DR:** Puking on your pets is OK because they've puked on you; My cousin's dog used to drink booze-puke fresh from the source, unopposed and without consequences nor regrets.
**Edit:** This happened, I couldn't make this up.
ThegreatPee: I've witnessed the birth of a Troll. Go forth and waste your time, young man. Go forth...
Sickwater: I may be missing something, but how was my reply to OP's post trolling? Just curious.
Really, OP's post just reminded me of my cousin's puke-loving dog, and all the times i've been showered with gut-love by my dogs and cats.
I just wanted to share, man. I'm gonna go cry now. Maybe my cat will puke on me.
*SickWater*
**Edit** I think i many have been trolled. or, counter-trolled. I'm not sure. These interwebs is hurtin mah condishuns.
btw, my username comes from a time when i grabbed a glass of what I thought was straight vodka, but was in fact pure water. When I drank it, I spluttered out, "Oh sick! Water!" and it just stuck.
sgt_roflman: yeah nah I thought you were gonna say it was a glass of clear vomit. ;-) better story
| 5 | 11.8 | |
1389476481 | 1389498823 | t3_1uzheo | t5_2to41 | 161 | [deleted]: TIFU by owning a fleshlight
About a week ago, I got my fleshlight in the mail. My parents are pretty liberal and know that I have it, didn't make a big deal out of it.
I got home from work about an hour ago to find my door open. I went into my closet to put away some stuff, and my fleshlight insert (which was laying on my shelf to dry) was gone. Nothing was knocked over, so it didn't fall down. That means that my cat couldn't have gotten to it either, because her clumsy ass would've knocked everything down.
First thing I do, after checking the immediate area is to check the bathroom. I *ripped* my bathroom apart and I didn't find anything. Then, I ripped my room apart and didn't find anything. Literally all my clothes are on the floor, all my drawers are out, I checked EVERYWHERE. It's nowhere to be found.
My next course of action was to ask my mother if she might've found anything in the bathroom. She didn't find anything. I go to my dad and ask him if maybe he found it and thought it was his, but he hasn't used his in a year. Now, my parents are tearing up the house in search of my fleshlight and the only possibility I can think of is that my 9 year old sister took it. She's stolen stuff from my room before, but I **REALLY** hope she didn't steal this...
**Edit: Found it!** It was wrapped up in the towel I used the other day, all the way at the bottom of the bathroom hamper. I checked there before but I guess I didn't check thoroughly enough.
WPBDoc: "....but he hasn't used his in a year. "
Wait...WHUT???
"pretty liberal" is an understatement.
BIG_JUICY_TITTIEZ: Haha he told me, this isn't information that I picked up firsthand. He told me to "Be careful because my skin reacted badly to the material", his exact words.
WPBDoc: LOL....TMI. I can't imagine such a conversation with my dad or my son.
KingDuckworth: Your name isn't "BIG_JUICY_TITTIEZ".
| 5 | 32.2 | |
1389476916 | 1389539317 | t3_1uzhzq | t5_2to41 | 56 | thowawaykavinsky: TIFU by only realizing now that I made the second biggest mistake of my life...
I don’t usually watch tv shows, I am a movie, video game kind of guy, but one Saturday afternoon a friend is binge watching New Girl so I decided to watch it with him. The episode he’s watching is when Nick breaks up with Jess because he is afraid of showing his feelings. Then it hit me that I was Nick.
I met my someone not through a craiglist ad, but through a meetup. She’s quirky, adorable and sweet. She’s my Jess. I fumbled asking her to be my girlfriend and be exclusive but she still said yes. I was always looking forward on our dates, or just simply spending time together. She surprises me every day, that every little things she does makes me like her even more.
I never realized this until now… but she did everything for me. She was never a video game kind of girl but she tried learning it just for me. She also watched animes with me, so that we can talk about something. She did it all for me but I never did anything she likes. I was never the romantic boyfriend, hence the similarity on Nick. She was kind, patient and understanding and I don’t know what she see in broken guy like me but she stayed.
I gave her the lame excuse/ reason of breaking up telling her the “it’s not you it’s me, I want to find myself…” but the real reason was I was so afraid. I was afraid that we are going so fast, that I am falling in love with her. I never see the situation on her perspective, that perhaps she’s feeling the same way. I was so happy when I am with her. Yes I have my friends, my video games and unlimited beers but I never felt so alone. It was when with her that I felt I was me. I may not be the most good looking guy out there or even the richest guy, and I have nothing big to offer to her, and I thought I need to be those guy to stay with her so I broke up with her. I never believed her when she said that she just want me and not those materialistic things.
I have been single for so long, and been dating for two/three months (before ending it) that I never thought I am worthy to feel this way. Worthy enough that someone would drop everything just to be with me when I needed someone the most, worthy enough for someone to truly care for me, worthy enough to be included on someone else’s future plans. She stayed even after knowing the real me, my family, my relationship with my friends, my problems, she love me from who I am and she accepted my flaws. And I was too blind to see it. As I typed it, Nick and Jess are back together, I don’t think that would be the same for me.
I have hurt her, ruined the holidays for her, I FU.. I was reading a reddit comment the other day it was something about relationship and breaking up and you can’t start a relationship if you keep on hitting the reset button. I am done of hitting the reset button all I want is to go back to that Wednesday afternoon and punched myself in the balls for braking up with her.
TL;DR TIFU by only realizing after three months that I made the second biggest mistake of my life and that is breaking up with someone who truly cared and loved me for me.
**My first biggest mistake happens ten years ago on my horny teenage years that involves pokemon cards, coconut water, and my nana.
IRideVelociraptors: I want to hear the first biggest mistake now.
r3cebarnett: Me 3
Zort189: Im onboard this train...
proteus616: Same, let's hear it
I'm hoping it's like the American Pie movie, where he kills his grandma with his cum shot
| 5 | 11.2 | |
1389485019 | 1389485936 | t3_1uzt7e | t5_2to41 | 4 | ReihEhcsaSlaSthcin: TIFU By Making A Newly Discovered Species Go Extinct
IRideVelociraptors:
Hi ReihEhcsaSlaSthcin, thank you for submitting to /r/tifu.
Unfortunately your submission *"TIFU By Making A Newly Discovered Species Go Extinct"* has been removed because there is a lack of context. Please resubmit with context surrounding the story.
We apologize for the inconvenience, if you feel that this removal was unjust or have any questions, please [message the mods](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Ftifu).
ReihEhcsaSlaSthcin: If I provide context the Capets will know it was me.
IRideVelociraptors: I'm afraid we can't allow your post without further information.
ReihEhcsaSlaSthcin: I don't care about the harmless internet points. Take it down, I don't care.
The Masons are next. They'll be here for me in forty-five minutes to an hour according to Edwin. After I'm gone, you have to finish what I started. No more bragels. No more.
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1389484189 | 1389485649 | t3_1uzs2w | t5_2to41 | 6 | sketchyfacestuff: TIFU by driving over fencing covered in snow
Actually it was yesterday but i was too busy to post.
So it's 8 am and i've already been working for an hour and I'm driving to my next job site and go down a service road to turn around. No one uses the service road except for utility maintenance so I usually park at the entrance of it as it would be dangerous to park on the side of a 2 lane dirt road with ice all over it.
I get to the end of the service road and turn around, backing into the snow a bit & start heading back to the entrance, and about 20 feet later all of a sudden there is a HORRIBLE noise and the truck jerks to a stop. I immediately jump out and look underneath, and there is fencing wrapped almost from front tires to rear.
http://imgur.com/U2S2KG8
So I swear a lot.
And I call my supervisor. Her and I go to Lowes and buy 2 sets of bolt cutters. 2 hours later and it had all been cut off and dumped into the ditch. http://imgur.com/jztivxH
Luckily we are both small enough to lay under the f150 and still have enough room to work and maneuver around.
Thing is I should have been looking out because I know a lot of people use this area as a dumping ground.
IRideVelociraptors: >2 hours later and it had all been cut off and dumped into the ditch
I think you are perpetuating the problem.
sketchyfacestuff: not really, there's already several full sets of furniture in the ditch and assorted other construction debris. It's also in the middle of the construction site of a highway overpass and they come and clean it out every few months in the summer. Some jackass dropped it off in the snow at the end where the cell tower is and where anyone who comes there needs to turn around. we made sure it was far back from the road so that no one else would get tangled, up in with the pile of other crap.
| 3 | 2 | |
1389468374 | 1389906765 | t3_1uz5zg | t5_2to41 | 10 | FurTrader58: TIFU by being late for work
I work at a gelato shop in a mall, and it's more of a kiosk/permanent stand alone store in the food court. Being in a mall there's mall rules we have to follow and one of those is that stores must all be open by the time the mall is open. Today that's 10am.
Rewind to last night. I was hanging out with my friends and having a good time, we made tacos for dinner and played halo and after a while we were all just talking, and by the time we're all going home it's 5am. I have to be up at 7 to get ready and catch the bus. 7 am rolls around and I'm waking up to my alarm and decide to set a new alarm for 8 and 8:15. Those alarms go off and I turn them off. While laying there I decide to blink before standing up. Well my blink lasted longer than the ten seconds I thought it was and now it's 10:27 and I'm really late. This has never happened before and I jump out of bed, throw on some clothes and run to the bus while calling my managers.
I then get a call from my manager saying that the mall office called him and I told him I was on my way. Well my being late resulted in me getting a write up, and it might cost manager $300. I feel like an asshole and don't know if he will be fined or not, I'll have to wait and see. Thankfully this isn't my primary job so it's not the end of the world. But I still feel like a giant cunt waffle for it.
TL;DR overslept and became a cunt waffle
Edit: spelling
proteus616: /r/bestoftl;dr
zer0t3ch: > /r/bestoftldr
FTFY
proteus616: Thanks not sure how fucked that up lol, sorry still new to reddit terms, what FTFY??
zer0t3ch: Fixed That For You. Can be used in a joking or serious way.
proteus616: Okay, thanks, still very new to reddit lol
| 6 | 1.666667 | |
1389485143 | 1389528474 | t3_1uztd0 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU the easiest pickup ever by beeing retarded
Actually not even 5 minutes ago. So i'm at the club with my buddy - has been a long time since i went to the club - so we're drinking, playing pickup games and stuff and end up sitting in a corner drinking beer. When a pretty hot girl walks up to us and says something in my ear. I realize she's trying to pick me up. We start to dance and stuff when she asks my what i expected. I answer just dancing - retarded as i am. She says something like sorry gives me a kiss on the cheek and walks off. I literally fucked it up. Like a footballplayer tripping 2 meters in front of the last line breaking his neck and dying while no enemy is even close (dunno much about football so i don't know what the last line is called). I'm a bit drunk, i'm angry and ... Well today i fucked up. Now call me a loser or judge me otherwise... I don't care anymore.
T3hBau5: Today we are reminded that OP is a fag.
[deleted]: Yeah... maybe...
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1389492407 | 1389548883 | t3_1v02z8 | t5_2to41 | 52 | Justusbraz: TIFU by making my son cry in the car
Here's the story. My wife, two children (boy and girl, 9&4), my sister, and I were driving home from a family get together.
As I was driving, an older man on a bicycle cut across from the left to the right lane, crossing the middle lane, on a curve. If I hadn't slammed in my brakes I would've left an old man size smear in my (the middle) lane.
I pulled next to him to tell him that he should be more careful and as I pulled up he flipped me off. HE FLIPPED ME OFF!!!
Here's a guy who put me and my family in the situation where, if my attention had been out of focus for even one millisecond, we would have to call an ambulance for a dead ass old man.
Needless to say, I lost my cool. I started yelling at him, and I'm a fucking pro. I can rant like nobody's business. I'm evil and nasty and I say shit designed to hurt. Not necessarily even in the moment, but days later when you're thinking about the situation, something I said will fuck with you.
Throughout this the old man is yelling at me to fuck off. Like, between the exertion from riding a bike and my barrage of vitriolic hate, it's all he can manage to say.
Anyway, I'm done with my rant and as I pull away, my nine year old son starts crying asking me why I can't just let it go. He says that he knew that the old man did something wrong and that he saw that he had flipped me off, but that I should've just let it go.
And you know what... He's totally right. I used to be a rage monster. I do fairly well these days and I guess this feeling of righteous anger made me feel like this level of vocal anger was justified.
I'm now sitting in my room shamefully writing this as I listen to my wife and children play a card game downstairs. I'm going to have to go down now and apologize.
I'm going to have to let them know that what I did was wrong and talk about how I made a mistake and that I'm sorry.
Fuck.
WPBDoc: By apologizing, you'll undo a lot of the damage and will teach your son a valuable lesson. But you should include your wife, daughter and sister. It will help you as well.
Source: My dad did the same thing 40 years ago and apologized to me. He even got choked up. It's one of the greatest lessons he ever taught me.
Justusbraz: I made my apology to all of them. No excuses. I shouldn't have behaved like that.
It's important to model good behavior. Including how to come back from those moments when we're not at our best.
My wife and I always make sure to let our children see us have disagreements and resolve them. We don't wait until we're alone.
PubCub: Right on, man! Way to be a good dad.
| 4 | 13 | |
1389495633 | 1389547501 | t3_1v0733 | t5_2to41 | 42 | Tufari: TIFU by not cancelling my WoW 6-month Recurring subscriptions after I ceased playing.
So today I check my bank account and observe what I perceived to be an unauthorized charge by blizzard, so I changed my battle.net password and contacted blizzard online support. When talking to the blizzard representative, they informed me that I can view my WoW subscription payment history online and that I've had an active subscription since 2011.
It turns out, instead of cancelling my 1-month Recurring subscription, I somehow changed it to a 6 month recurring subscription (totally my fault) without realizing it. Now... I haven't played WoW since maybe October of 2011. The representative checked my account activity and saw that I hadn't been playing and luckily refunded the most recent payment. I have no problems with not being refunded for the other 4 payments as it was completely my fault and I accept those charges as a stupid-tax.
**tl;dr I'm in my 20s and should probably move to Florida where people don't know how to vote properly.**
LaserPepper: I paid out for a good year in monthly, because I'm a fucking dumbass.
GundamWang: To get Diablo 2 for free?
| 3 | 14 | |
1389492080 | 1389644687 | t3_1v02je | t5_2to41 | 88 | GremlinZD: TIFU by sleeping with my best friend
Last night, my best friend decided to stop by my place since it was getting late and she didn't want to make the drive back over to hers. This wasn't the first time and I had an extra bed in my room so this wasn't a big deal.
The night starts off normal, she and I go bed, and end up dozing off. I woke up to the sound of her coming out the bathroom and she told me wasn't able to sleep. No big deal. To pass a little time, she and I just started talking. At one point during the conversation, I noticed she wasn't wearing her pants (It was dark) and a few momenta later, she came over my bed to talk. Well, one thing led to another and she and I started to make out and take off our clothes.
At this point, it seemed like an invisible force was trying to prevent this from happening. I should have listened to it from the start and I didn't. I had trouble trying to get hard, and when I was finally able to, I wasn't able to get off.
I don't know what to think. I'm not sure why I was having issues. She and I are going to pretend like it never happened, but I'm afraid this whole thing will ruin our friendship.
**TL;DR:** Slept with my best friend, hard trouble getting hard, and I wasn't able to get off.
[deleted]: Seems like she wanted to have sex with you. She used similar tactics that I sometimes used during my black ops missions to have sex with my female friends. Too drunk to drive home, can't sleep, my penis is cold etc...
DZCreeper: "Can I warm my penis in your vagina?"
gorlak120: icy hot works wonders. after the icy part that is.
| 4 | 22 | |
1389492423 | 1389590590 | t3_1v02zq | t5_2to41 | 30 | Littimus: TIFU thinking I could win against Eclipse.
For starters, I messed up even thinking I could outsmart Eclipse, my chosen IDE (read: text editor) for developing for Android.
(Apologies to non-developers, there's a lot of jargon, but I'll try to help).
So, some time ago I thought I was going to make the switch to Android Studio (another IDE) instead of Eclipse. Long story short, I ran Eclipse as root (as Administrator for Windows users) so that I could update it. This was my first mistake. After updating, so that I could export my projects to Android Studio, I decided Android Studio was still too much of a hassle.
So, back to Eclipse. Today, I'm developing along and Eclipse is acting stupid (not marking occurrences properly). What do I do? Run it as root again to see if that fixes it (Mistake #2). Well, it didn't fix it and I end up developing for quite some time as root. Later again, I restart Eclipse, but this time not as root. Well, now Eclipse has problems auto-saving because it had previously auto-saved before as root and messed up all my permissions.
Now what do I do? I erase the .metadata folder in the directory I'm working in (Mistake #3). Let's just say this folder is super important. However, it's auto-generated by Eclipse, so I thought it would just recreate it properly after I reset some stuff. So, to get the folder back I open Eclipse, point it to the directory that contains all my projects, and try to import them into the "workspace". Well it didn't work - because they're already there, but Eclipse doesn't know it because I deleted .metadata. So, I try again, but this time I click the box that says "Copy Projects to Workspace".
Usually, this would allow me to copy projects from other directories into the directory that Eclipse is pointing to. However, since they're already there, I figured it would leave everything alone. I was dead wrong. Instead, I ended up corrupting **every single file** in **every single project** that I was working on for Android. That's about 10 projects and months worth of work.
Ugh. This is my first TIFU and I really did F up. Luckily, I have most everything backed up online and I'm in the middle of piecing my work back together now.
**tl;dr: stick to Notepad**
daredevil82: Version control.
Repeat after me. Version **fucking** control.
Your biggest fuckup wasn't running eclipse as root. That was a minor oops. Your fuckup was not using any version control. Had you had up your date repositories, the plan of action after deleting the .metadata files was to reimport the projects from your vcs.
At most, you would have lost an hour of your time.
So why weren't you using version control?
KristyConfused: Because version control is a pain in the ass and it takes an incident like this to drive home the value of the process.
daredevil82: How is it a pain in the ass? Eclipse has several good vcs plugins which make the process as easy as it can be.
If you've already mastered Android and Java development to the tune of having a little less than a dozen complete projects, then there is really no excuse besides laziness not to use any vcs.
Stories like this get zero sympathy from me.
KristyConfused: It's really not, it's just perceived that way by those who haven't used it...because they think it's a pain in the ass. Then this happens.
| 5 | 6 | |
1389493176 | 1389595434 | t3_1v03wr | t5_2to41 | 15 | dutch_oven_tw: TIFU by Giving Myself a Dutch Oven
This actually happened last night.
Last night, I was getting ready for bed. I sleep naked on the weekends, and last night was no exception. I stripped down, and covered up. As I was getting myself comfortable, I farted. In my tired (and slightly drunken) stupor, I pulled my blanked over my head and totally dutch-ovened myself.
I didn't get sick or anything - but it made me rethink some of my decisions.
ringberar: everybody loves their own brand
mindlessjohnny: Oh... It smells like hot, sick ass and a dead carcass. Oh even stink would say that stinks.
| 3 | 5 | |
1389520265 | 1389587286 | t3_1v0ud1 | t5_2to41 | 93 | ViolentThespian: TIFU by throwing a snowball (ice ball) directly into a girl's boob.
Didn't remember this until now. What happened was, I had gone on a winter retreat the Christmas before last with my friend's church, went snowboarding and shit. At the camp, however, there were a couple other youth groups on retreats, so we naturally banded together and raised all sorts of hell. Fast forward a couple of days, we go to a rock climbing area to, ha, rock climb. Since there were a bunch of little kids who'd never tried it before, I was voluntold to wait it out, though by the end I never got to climb.
Anyways, I and the other older kids, 16-20, we decided to just have a snowball fight. Well, it wasn't really snow, at leat not the snowball conducive powder. It was the hard snow that you have to crush with both hands in order to form a throwable shape.
So we all start throwing this hard snow at each other. The occasional headshot, subsequent "YOU MOTHERFUCKER!", and the rage-crazed headhunt for revenge. Well, yours truly spent about ten minutes rubbing and kneading a chunk of ice snow into a well shaped ball. After I had finished my masterpiece (for those you familiar, Calvin would have approved) I searched for a target.
My eyes caught the unsuspecting stare of a resting snow warrior, the girl from the title. You know how soldiers throw grenades? Thats what I looked like winding up. I did my pose, and put all I had into that beautifully cruel sphere. It soared into the sky, traveling the thirty foot distance and hitting home with a satisfying smack. Everybody, I mean, EVERYBODY, saw it fly and heard it hit. She bent over in shock, gasping a I took a victory lap, and everyone actually clappe and cheered. Little did I know, I turn around, and this poor girl is clutching her tenderized breast with both hands I knocked the wind out of her, it hit so hard. She sat down, sniffling, and I stood next to her awkwardly for about ten minutes trying to figure what I could say to apologize.
DripOfTheBay: Getting the wind knocked out of you sucks. I thought I was having an asthma attack because I was in shock and I couldn't breath. What did she say afterwards?
ViolentThespian: She didn't. She let me stew in my regret for the next few hours.
UnholyReaver: Should have offered to massage it better.
She already hates you, what have you got to lose?
ViolentThespian: Probably my manhood. On that trip, we all slept in the same building on the same floor. You could use a credit card or something similar to open every damn door there. I feared for my descendants to come.
| 5 | 18.6 | |
1389535744 | 1389575583 | t3_1v135s | t5_2to41 | 1,290 | [deleted]: TIFU By assuming I was alone
This is a throwaway account by the way.
So, yesterday night my mother and cousin were informing me that they would be gone all of today (Sunday) as they would be at church. Being Sunday, I decided to wake up late and since I'm alone in the house, fuck it, I might as well have a five knuckle shuffle with Rosy Palm and her 5 sisters. So I find a nice video, courtesy of Beeg and hook that shit up to the TV. I played it loud, like blasted it, finished, took a shower and got up to make breakfast. Guess who's home? Mother and cousin. Turns out they never left since they figured there would be too many people and now nobody will look me in the eye. It's a little funny, but, more embarrassing then anything.
14novakj: Have to say, of all the euphemisms I've heard in my 18 years,
> I might as well have a five knuckle shuffle with Rosy Palm and her 5 sisters.
Is probably the best way I've heard it put.
cheezbergur: My fav is giving Russel the one-eyed muscle the five finger shuffle.
IllIIllIlIlI: The penis is actually a tissue not a muscle!
I'm fun at parties I swear.
(Also that is a great euphemism)
14novakj: How do you ever remember your username??
IllIIllIlIlI: The trick is to never sign out/leave reddit ;)
Arthimir: Wait... you can leave?
Aperage: Lol try it. It's fun.
Then 2 secondes later you're back on the front page.
TingDodge: Except once you log out its full of garbage.
| 9 | 143.333333 | |
1389546743 | 1389595556 | t3_1v1e8o | t5_2to41 | 7 | anytimeanimal: TIFU By giving my bank info and SS to an online adult friend finder
So I'm really desperate here trying to get laid, and I was on a site that links up locals. So I signed up for the 3 day 2-dollar trial thinking I'd be able to end it whenever. I was wrong. So far I've been charged 50 dollars for two months of the service, but I don't have any of the features.
Does anybody know how to cancel this? I was thinking about just canceling my account and opening a new one.
frenchstuffisfancy: Call your bank
anytimeanimal: And tell them what?
frenchstuffisfancy: Tell em the whole story they prob heard worse stuff
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1389553154 | 1389675330 | t3_1v1n39 | t5_2to41 | 77 | dia_outro: TIFU by masturbating in a public restroom.
Me and the wife at mall in the Sears store, I'm bored and horny. First off malls around here are hardly the bustling center of activity they used to be, but there is still a decent crowd. My mind starts to wander while looking at all the beautiful women. So while she's shopping, I slip off to piss the chub away. Didn't happen, got harder. Nobody comes in or out so I thought, "fuck it". I go to a stall and beat my dick like it owed me money.
Got done in record time, clean up, zip up, and leave. Find my wife after half an hour of goofing off in the tool section. She looks me over and asked me if I blew my nose in the bathroom. I said no, why do you ask?
Turns out, a large glob of semen landed on my pants near my ankle and I didn't know.
tl;dr I came on myself and walked around in public without knowing it.
AgropromResearch: 7Watching where you shoot is very important, because things like this can happen.
It may ruin the moment, but closing your eyes or keeping your eyes fixed on the video can lead to MIA sperm.
It's advisable to look down at the first shot, as it has the most power and capability to go a distance or even bank off your target.
After that you can somewhat safely look back at your video or close your eyes, but briefly. You should alternate between source and target checks quite rapidly. It may lesson the enjoyment, but containment and less joy is far better than spraying and praying it didn't land on clothes, phone, mouse, or pets.
afuckingdoorknocker: Mouse?
44Cobra44: Computer mouse.
afuckingdoorknocker: How did I not realise this..
44Cobra44: Because you're only a fucking door knocker silly!
| 6 | 12.833333 | |
1389554948 | 1389562691 | t3_1v1pq5 | t5_2to41 | 39 | ParrotDrumStickBitch: TIFU so much by not organising my notes and now I'm royally fucking screwed
So this isn't so much of a today thing but something that has been brewing for months now.
Since mid-October I just haven't been organising my notes, I'll throw them on my desk or in my bag. I also haven't been dating them, the odd few aree dated so that helps but it's just a fucking clusterfuck of shit.
I have exams next week, they're only mocks but if I fail these I'm fucked. I just can't believe I've been so fucking stupid. I need to revise but I can't because I don't have a fucking clue what I'm fucking looking at because I'm such a big fucking idiot I don't even know why I did it. Like, I'm normally organised but not any more. I fucking quit. I just quit.
I cannot handle it any more. And this is only sixth form, god-fucking help me if I want to go to university. I don't know what to do. I'm stranded on an island and my work was my boat but because I'm a fucking twat muffin I didn't build the boat and that boat kit is starting to fucking sink and the tide is coming in pretty quick.
I've put it all away and I'm going to think tonight what I can do. Hopefully a thief robs my college bag and I can use that excuse, or my desk catches fire and my work just burns away. But I know it will never happen.
I know where I've fucked up but I just don't see how I can fix it. I can't admit to my mum what I've done she will kill me, and if I tell my teachers they will lose all respect for me that they ever had even if it was the tiniest amount. I just feel like I want to fade away. So what if I do?
I can't stop crying, I don't even know what I've just written because I have one thought then it goes as the next one comes in. The only thought I can see clearly is how much of a giant fucking idiot I am.
Everyone breaks. I just broke a little early. I need a break. But things are only going to get harder, it's May soon which means exam season, which means I need to fucking sort my self out by then.
I have no idea how though, I'm stuck. Just completely fucking stuck here forever.
PS: please excuse the awful language, I'm in a bad state and can't think properly.
alpineliam: Firstly (if you really can't make head nor tail of your note pile) go and ask your classmates if you can study with them or borrow their notes to photocopy. Be straight up honest and say it is because you messed up and need their help. Owe them a big favor over it if needs be.
Secondly start organising yourself dude. It isn't that hard. Don't make this mistake again.
ParrotDrumStickBitch: That's what I'm trying to do now, two of my subjects are pretty okayish, the other two not so much.
I already started to take your advice about asking classmates about borrowing notes and they said yes. And I'm not just going to photocopy their work, I'm going to photocopy it and then copy it out myself, I'm really going to punish myself, I should not have been this stupid, I'm going to buy all new files and all new paper and all new everything and have a fresh start.
And don't worry, I'm going to organise myself 100% from here on out.
alpineliam: Good job. Being organised comes down to proper set up (buying the folders and stuff) and then just making sure you do it. The effort involved is pretty negligible. Just make sure you get all of your notes filed before you go to bed each night and you'll never have an issue.
I have also gone from where you are now to being laughed at for my level of organisation. It is doable and from the other side I can tell you it is worth it.
ParrotDrumStickBitch: I know, I was organised at the start of the academic year but it's unreal how much I despise college. It is so different from school, I can't wait for university (if I go) where it's different again.
The amount of people who liked school, hated sixth form, and liked university is weird. No one likes sixth form. They should do something about that.
I think my organisations skills stem from disliking that place so much, it just isn't a good atmosphere.
alpineliam: I never went to sixth form, I dropped out for a few years and then did my A Levels at a college and I enjoyed it. I did hear that a lot of people disliked sixth form though. I wonder why.
ParrotDrumStickBitch: I think it's because of the jump. There is no step up between school and sixth form. It's so different! Just everything about it.
It is so much harder. I think that is the thing, in school you're spoon fed, but in sixth form you have to carve out what needs to be done to do it. It's not simple.
| 7 | 5.571429 | |
1389559813 | 1389586348 | t3_1v1x3s | t5_2to41 | 61 | frankophony: TIFU by sleeping on my dick funny.
Yesterday I woke up on my right side which is odd in itself, morning wood as usual, but this time I have a sharp pain somewhere around my right ball. Ok, thought it was a bit odd but hoped it was nothing and carried on with my day as normal.
It comes to fap time in the evening, and it hurts a bit more. Whatever, I think, and finish anyway. Fuck! It hurts even more. So I feel around and there's this hard painful ridge on the right side of the base like a tendon, and now since I fapped my dick twists to the left at least 45 degrees and hangs left, and I'm getting pretty damn worried. I must have rolled over with a boner in my sleep or something at night. What the fuck is going on?
TL;DR: Slept on my dick funny and it feels like I sprained it, now hangs odd.
courtoftheair: Go to the doctor.
CodeMonkeys: To me it sounds like OP had a penile fracture. Not totally sure, but seriously, see a doctor just in case. The whole "potentially not being able to ever have an erection again" thing is worth the visit.
| 3 | 20.333333 | |
1389576922 | 1389848796 | t3_1v2n4b | t5_2to41 | 42 | itsrobinsparklesyall: TIFU by sneezing while I had chocolate pudding in my mouth.
And that was hard to explain to my grandma since it went all over her vintage tablecloth.
brasher: Did... did it fly out your nose?
itsrobinsparklesyall: Fun fact: I sneeze out of my mouth. Yeah sneezing chocolate pudding through my nose would've been a whole other level of struggle.
Chaost: I hate that. It's painful.
| 4 | 10.5 | |
1389576991 | 1390878109 | t3_1v2n85 | t5_2to41 | 79 | SlideRuleLogic: TIFU by showing some Girl Scouts and their parents my grundle
Today, like many Sundays, I headed to my local big box hardware store to pick up supplies for a home project. As it was unseasonably warm, I took the opportunity to sport shorts and flip flops - because how often can you do that in January?
It was a great trip. I picked up lots of tile and lumber, and, best of all, the local Girl Scout troop sold me some boxes of thin mints on the way out the door! Something seemed off about the parents' attitudes during the transaction, but I wrote it off to parents being cautious about their daughters' interaction with an apparently single man (wedding ring was off while using power tools).
Things got a bit more clear when I got home and my wife asked me what happened to my shorts. Turns out that, while lifting tile boxes onto my cart, I had ripped my shorts open from top nearly to bottom. You could even see leg under my striped purple boxer briefs. Classy.
[TLDR: TIFU by showing some Girl Scouts and their parents my grundle. And here is the evidence.](http://i.imgur.com/k1KLHLi.jpg)
WAKACHEWBACCA: It was kinda rude of them to not tell you.
MadlockFreak: That is the average den mother/girl scout. Most are incredibly condescending.
spacepuppy69: No!
At least not here. :) I absolutely love the Girl Scouts in my area, they're truly caring and helpful.
| 4 | 19.75 | |
1389583352 | 1389624324 | t3_1v2wfg | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by misplacing my debit card.
So, I gave in to my "fat assery" today and bought a meal with my employee discount. I used my debit card to purchased the meal, walked to the back of my work place to grab my meal and leave. I walk to my truck in the rear of the building and drive home. Once I got home to eat, I didn't think twice about checking my pockets on the way home. When finished eating I check my back pockets, then my coat pockets and finally my back pocket again. I check my truck but I didn't move any thing and called my work place to see if they had seen it. Pay day was today. I planned to go shopping tomorrow. Not anymore.
40037044: Chin up buddy. And the other one.
[deleted]: Someone with a since of humor.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1389603098 | 1389632515 | t3_1v3hn8 | t5_2to41 | 4,129 | iloveblackcocks: TIFU by getting caught masturbating in a very embarrassing way, NSFW
This happened yesterday night, it's 9 am here. Pretty long post and english is not my mother tounge so please bear with me. Very NSFW.
I'm a 21 year old male living with my parents. I have the whole upper floor for me but i don't have the keys to lock the doors. This is no problem, because my parents usually leave me alone, especially at night.
I have a few very kinky fetishes. I'm bisexual and have a thing for black men and the whole Sissy-genre, meaning i like to dress up and pretend being a girl. I also own a dildo. My partents don't know about this of course.
You can probably guess where this is heading, very graphic/NSFW content following:
I was very horny yesterday, so i decided to masturbate in an elaborate way. It was approx. 11 pm, i thought my parents are asleep. I dressed only in a pink top, took out my black dildo which has a suction cup at one end, sticked it to the leg of my desk, got on all fours, and after a little bit preperation humped back at the dildo.
I'm facing my TV in this position, so i connected it with my PC beforehand and chose a few pictures of, well, black cocks to look at. I also connected my headphones with my PC and listened to porn. The door to my room is behind me, i would have to look over my right shoulder to see it.
So, i am on all fours, humping back at my black dildo, wearing only a pink shirt, listening to porn on my headphones and looking at a huge black cock on my 32" TV, which is facing the door. To make it even worse, i like to say slutty things to myself while masturbating, like fuck me, make me your slut, or something like that.
Even if my parents never disturb me after Dinner, i was looking over my shoulder every few minutes. Not very useful because it would be too late to hide if someone would enter my room, but i can't help it. I am sure that the door to my room was closed. So i get close to cumming and concentrate on that, staring at the TV and whispering very graphic things about the pictures. After i finished i immediatly start cleaning up myself and notice... the slightly open door. Fuck. I don't even want to imagine what my parents saw and heard. The TV and i would be in plain view from the door.
So today i stayed in my room until my parents were away. I don't even want to look at them. I guess they won't say anything because they are very open-minded, but i just want to curl up and die because i'm so emberrassed.
**TL/DR:** One of my parents caught me (male) masturbating with a dildo, dressed up like a girl while watching interracial porn. I didn't realize it until i finished.
Edit:
I hope you guys are notified of this edit, i'm not really sure how it works. Anyway, i'm pretty sure my parents did not see me masturbating. I can't tell you how relieved i am feeling.
I talked a few times with them, ate dinner with them and so on, and i am very very sure that i would have felt it if they saw me. My dad was joking als usual, they did not talk suspiciously more or less with me or about different topics. All the same as always.
So i guess i really did not close the door 100 percent. This has never happened to me, because i am usually throwing my door shut, but i have no other explanation. I guess i did not realize the slightly open door while doing... things because i was occupied and the room was dimly lit.
So i guess in the future i will only masturbate with my toys when i am 100 percent sure that nobody is at home and won't come home in the next... few weeks or something like that. I definitly learned from it, no way i am taking risks at the future and experience this dread again. I'm still a little bit rattled, but i also wanted to thank you for your comments and advice. It really made the few hours until my parents returned and talked to me more bearable.
AgropromResearch: WOW.
This story should be handed out in Sex Ed.
You broke so many masturbation rules here, man.
Rule 1. Door: LOCKS, No locks, then you pile everything you own against the door and claim you were re-arranging your room or searching for something should invaders arrive.The door must be checked no less than 17 times before committing to pound self. That is multiplied by any degree of severity other than hand on junk, Baywatch-level nudity.
Parent? x 10, ParentS? x20, Lube? x5, Dildo(you are a female?) x 10, Dildo(male)? x35, Outfit? x60, Outfit(of opposite gender)? x250, Submissive position? x20, the fetishes all have verying multipliers as well.....
You're in the thousands by now.
Rule 2. Headphone Use: Under no circumstances are you to use BOTH sides of headphones during masturbation. EVEN IF YOU LIVE ALONE. Fire Alarms, Maintanence, Police, Microwave timer... YOU ALWAYS leave one ear uncovered. FUCKING ALWAYS. Especially if you are getting vocally involved... you lose proper comprehension of your voice level when your hearing is obscured.
Rule 3. Nighttime: She's deceptive, sure you're alone or people are asleep, but that just increases the silence. Also, it's a false sense of security, you don't expect visitors so you lower your security. "Hey son, I just woke up because I need a drink of- JESUS CHRIST!" Not good.
Let this be a lesson, friends, and for you, iloveblackcocks, more people know that now.
EDIT: Hey! Reddit Gold! Thank you kind Redditor
iloveblackcocks: Yes, i agree with you. It was really dumb. False sense of security is the keyword here, i guess i got away with it often enough that i didn't expect anything going wrong. What a fuck up. Reading your comment made me laugh about it though, so thanks for that :)
Mustaka: Plot Twist. You have never got away with it. Your Dad has been watching you since you began and secretly gets off on it.
ZetaYuri: You have issues dude...
NintendoGuy128: Well I wouldn't think dressing up in a sissy outfit fucking a big black dildo while watching black penises on your TV is a normal thing to do, no offence OP.
[deleted]: >no offence
That's not a license to say whatever.
ilikeeatingbrains: Sure it is, you piece of shell. No offence.
neko_loliighoul: Piece of shell??
ilikeeatingbrains: I said 'no offence'. You can't be offended unless you are a certain hockey team with a terrible track record.
itsjusttoored: It is to bigots in denial as "no homo" is to closeted homosexuals.
ilikeeatingbrains: Why do shitty people go swimming that far away? I mean, the pyramids are nice I guess.
| 12 | 344.083333 | |
1389616954 | 1389621644 | t3_1v3qit | t5_2to41 | 21 | kotalikmyballs: TIFU by leaving my debit card at home before I left for Italy
Title says it all. Currently sitting at the airport with four dollars to my name trying to figure out how to get some money before I leave for a month
gwenstyles: Get someone to grab the card at home and FedEx it to the hotel you're staying at when you arrive. I can't think of another way, unless the bank will maybe send you one? Good luck!
kotalikmyballs: I have a 3 hour layover. Right now the plan is to rush to a bank and grab some cash plus a temp card
| 3 | 7 | |
1389626864 | 1389765449 | t3_1v40gw | t5_2to41 | 36 | Asshat1stclass: TIFU by giving my dog hot sauce
I have to dogs and they both love human food (of course). One is a golden retriever and the other is a retriever/chow. So, we decided to give them a couple of pretzels dipped in hot sauce. To our surprise they want more! When dinnertime came around we mixed in hot sauce with their food, a fair amount. We figured if they didn't like it; we could give them unaltered dog food. The purebred ate both bowls without hesitation. Nothing unusual happened for 24 hours. I woke up to a bad smell through out the upstairs. The hot sauce had taken it course in the form of runny, bright brown, fragrant dog shit. Near liquid constancy with a slight hint of pizza hot sauce. The dog managed to spread the disaster over the largest area possible, in the only carpeted room the house. The wife is having contractions and have to leave with a hazmat zone in the spare room. The dog is fine.
TL;DR-Gave dog hot sauce and it pooped liquid on light coloured carpet.
JoakoLC: OP, be careful with this kind of stuff and research before doing it. Feeding dogs things like hot sauce can really hurt their digestive system and cause septicemia, and therefore death.
Hot sauce is usually used as a deterrent to prevent coprophagia, furniture-chewing, garbage-eating, etc. However, as there are dogs who like eating their own feces, there are also dogs who like eating hot sauce, they just have different reactions.
If you notice any other unusual behavior don't think twice and take your dog to the vet, things might get pretty serious. Good luck.
gorlak120: As far as eating their own feces i was under the notion(after having read it somewhere(reddit)) that they ate the feces on instinct. something to do with smell and hiding their presence(eating the poop) in certain areas where they wouldn't want their smell to stay.
404fucks: My dog pooped in her crate the other day and ate most of it.
Now I know why.
| 4 | 9 | |
1389620914 | 1389824621 | t3_1v3ts2 | t5_2to41 | 16 | bags_groove: TIFU by showing my gf 'Antichrist'
I thought it would be a good idea to do a 'Lars Von Trier film festival' before watching 'Nymphomaniac' at the movies this week. It was sunday, it was raining, we were getting comfy... She closed her eyes in the whole third chapter and I think she hates me a little bit now.
Chef_Lebowski: I always wonder if I'll regret seeing Antichrist. I have yet to watch it, but someone explained to me, in very graphic detail, what happens to Willem's penis.
bags_groove: You don't want to hear about Charlotte's clitoris then
st3500: These two comments are all I know of this movie now, but they're enough for me not to want to watch it...
| 4 | 4 | |
1389414828 | 1389679756 | t3_1uxtj5 | t5_2to41 | 44 | Locrian_DM: TIFU by peeing in the tub
This happened about 12 years ago, but it was just about the worst thing I've ever done while pissing. /u/PEE_EYE_THROWAWAY reminded me with his post [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1uvbk5/tifu_by_peeing_in_the_shower/).
I took a trip up north by myself when I was about 18 and stayed a couple nights with some people I had never met before, but came highly recommended from a friend. Very nice people, indeed.
My morning routine was simple - wake up, exercise, take shower. Their shower was the typical design of a bathtub with a shower inside and instead of wasting their water flushing the toilet, I just peed into the tub as the shower was heating up. I jump in the shower a second later and notice the water was a little deep (maybe 1 inch or so). No big deal, so I was standing in pee. It would go down.
Except that it didn't.
The water kept getting higher and higher. I started messing with the drain, but to no avail. Seems the drain was broken. At this point I think my best option is to finish the shower and then figure it out, thinking the shampoo / soap will dilute the pee enough to make it unnoticeable in case I have to call in help after the shower is completed.
Nope. Apparently these people didn't keep shampoo or soap in this bathroom, and I didn't have any on me since I had come in by plane.
No cleansing items, tub filling up with piss water, and worst of all - this was some RANCID pee. I don't know what I ate, but the bathroom stinks really bad, even with the shower going.
I turn off the water just in time to hear a knock at the door.
"You aren't using THAT shower, are you? The drain is stuck shut."
fuck
I replied something like "oh, ok, hadn't started yet, thank you"
I spent the next 45 minutes bailing out the bathtub into the toilet and flushing whenever it got too full. I figured out towards the end that the drain wasn't, in fact, stuck, but had some kind of strange combination lock like way to get it open by jiggling the handle just the right way. At this point I had already spent entirely too long in the bathroom.
The woman I was staying with looked at me funny for a couple hours afterwards. She either thought that I had taken the most massive asparagus smelling shit in the world, or had spent 45 minutes masturbating in her bathroom.... and I made it smell like horrible pee.
It was an awkward couple of days.
Beakface: ......
"Oh. Oops. I'll empty it into the toilet. Sorry!"
You moron...
Locrian_DM: heheh... Yup
| 3 | 14.666667 | |
1389634644 | 1389675208 | t3_1v4bei | t5_2to41 | 205 | [deleted]: TIFU by making my room smell like rotten cum
I was cumming inside the lid of a cologne every time I masturbated in a span of one month and hid it somewhere safe every time I finished the job. I accumulated a copious amount of cum inside a small container lid and it was starting to smell disgusting, but I didn't care less since it wasn't *that* bad.
On December 25th, at midnight, I thought I'd do a celebratory masturbation just for the heck of it and after I was done, I completely forgot to hide the cum lid somewhere cold to keep it from rotting too fast and immediately went to sleep, the next day, me and my family, went on an unexpected vacation to the beach. They thought of that on the spot and everyone immediately got ready for the five day stay-in at the resort. I remembered that I forgot to put my cum lid back in the cold area and when I checked it, it already started to smell quite bad, but because we were gonna leave in a couple of minutes, I just told myself "Fuck it, I'm gonna throw it in the trash" and I completely forgot about it after that. After the five day vacation, we came back home. When I came inside my room, it almost literally smelled like death. I kept looking around to find out what's causing the smell and when I searched in the trash can, I saw a yellow smudge inside it near the lid. It looked like algae or something. As my nose came closer to the trash can, the smell got worse. I almost threw up because of the smell of the rotten cum. I wouldn't let anyone in my room since it almost literally smelled like rotten corpse and they might get suspicious about the smell. It has been fifteen days and you can still smell the rotten cum in the air of my room.
tl;dr: don't throw a copious amount of cum in the trash and leave it there to rot.
P.S: English is not my first language, so please excuse the grammar.
[deleted]: Why do you even keep your cum? Why the fuck would you do that?
Fujikawa28: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
[deleted]: What the...
vgalosky: He keeps it for bukkake
[deleted]: ... I'm eating while reading this... Thanks for the image in my head.
| 6 | 34.166667 | |
1389639255 | 1389640771 | t3_1v4ifx | t5_2to41 | 20 | Throwaway19234553: TIFU by cutting my scrotum while trimming my pubic hair
I was in the bathroom trimming my bush and was getting down to the balls, obviously you have to be extra careful when you are trimming down there, but stupid me wasn't paying attention and I sliced my scrotum. Luckily there's a second layer (apparently?) so my balls aren't going to slip out anytime soon.
alpineliam: Well that was a free anatomy lesson at least. How could you not pay attention when you have something sharp next to your nuts?
Throwaway19234553: I guess I just though I had it under control with the amount of times I had done it
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1389639811 | 1389655376 | t3_1v4jca | t5_2to41 | 78 | Kuekuatsheu: TIFU by being a selfish asshole and ruining a "Pay it Backward" chain.
Today I failed humanity and I am profusely sorry.
Early this morning, the lady in the car in front of me at Starbucks paid for my order. I was so flabbergasted that I didn’t even think to do the same and pay for the car behind me. (I know, I’m an idiot.)
After asking the poor cashier probably half a dozen questions (“Wait, what? Really? Just like that?”, etc.), she proceeded to tell me that it happens more than I’d think. I was so excited that I rushed out of the drive thru to try and wave a “thank you” to my anonymous benefactor, but I couldn’t track down the car. Only then did it occur to me that I could have paid for the car behind me. I continued on my way to work, determined to pay it forward somehow to everyone I encountered today.
I couldn’t stop thinking about it, though. How does that just happen?? I finally searched for it. Lo and behold, there are millions of articles on “pay it backward” chains in drive thrus. Now I feel extra stupid for breaking the chain.
So, to the kind lady in front of me (and whomever started/continued the coffee-gifting at my local Starbucks) – thank you so much for brightening my day. I’m really sorry that I was “that person” in the queue. I hope you’re the person behind me next time!
And even though I messed it all up, I am so excited that “pay it backwards” chains are such a common thing! (Honestly I’m pretty embarrassed that I hadn’t heard of it before). People are just really awesome sometimes.
Cheers to all of humanity today. I love you guys and I'm sorry I fucked up!
alpineliam: Just start another one when you get a chance. I would do this in Italy but I think everyone would have died of boredom before I managed to explain what I wanted to do.
jrblast: You could still try. Just consider giving up slightly before the whole 'died of boredom' part.
| 3 | 26 | |
1389642441 | 1389900406 | t3_1v4nm4 | t5_2to41 | 31 | AlexBayArea: TIFU by laughing at a client at work
So long story short. I have a huge call to make to a client that could pay my company nearly 20k per month which would be a huge win for me but instead I call this client whose last name is Dumbas and completely burst out laughing when I say her full name.
whoops.
lostdeceiver: You burst out laughing during the call? How did she react?
AlexBayArea: She understood why I laughed and finished the call but when I followed up with her I never got the email back from her LOL.
| 3 | 10.333333 | |
1389643774 | 1389821189 | t3_1v4ppv | t5_2to41 | 32 | [deleted]: TIFUpdate by taking out my id on subway
**Original Story:** [Here](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1umeoj/tifu_by_taking_my_id_out_on_subway/)
**The update:** So the security officer that was kind of being an asshole to me, I had found out some pretty shocking news that made me feel bad about posting about him being such a bad person.
What I found out today was that his 6 year old daughter suddenly became very ill due to her health issues, and had passed away only a few days ago. I realize that he may have been an asshole at the time, but it very well may have been due to the stress and worrying and I can't fault him for that.
There is currently a fundraiser to help raise money for the funeral, but I decide it's best not to post it here, as I want him to remain anonymous. He's dealing with a tough enough time on his own without my help, so I'll leave it at that.
windexo: I don't see this as your fault, you didn't make her sick by dropping your ID.
starcarr_lane: Plot twist: OP make her sick!
NMShoe: Dun dun duuuuuuh!
| 4 | 8 | |
1389672058 | 1389717208 | t3_1v5ywb | t5_2to41 | 603 | TooLazyToRepost: TIFU by attempting minor surgery on my own testicles.
A little over a week ago, I was sitting down to go to the restroom when I noticed a pain on the skin of one of my balls. After finishing up, I examined myself and found that one of my hair follicles was swollen-looking and surrounded by redness. This bothered me, but I didn't think much of it and went about my day.
Over the next few days it became increasingly-irritated until I decided something had to be done. I'm away at university and had never been to a doctor in this city, so I decided that I should take matters into my own hands.
I returned from class and began preparing myself for my procedure. I grabbed some nail clippers and [one of those tiny pairs of scissors](https://www.google.com/search?q=tiny+scissors&safe=off&espv=210&es_sm=122&tbm=isch&source=iu&imgil=21qr-muo3IbGjM%253A%253Bhttps%253A%252F%252Fencrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com%252Fimages%253Fq%253Dtbn%253AANd9GcSBlU6P_aN3MGrTtBHJB2EEYfRE5FYFrdiaxGODQWqx2VfIivle%253B400%253B262%253BoiJAVMgfnJC3-M%253Bhttp%25253A%25252F%25252Fwww.needlenthread.com%25252F2009%25252F01%25252Fsharp-and-small-scissors-for-hand.html&sa=X&ei=m7fUUryYDLjesAS7qYCADA&ved=0CFMQ9QEwAQ&biw=1366&bih=683#facrc=_&imgdii=_&imgrc=21qr-muo3IbGjM%253A%3BoiJAVMgfnJC3-M%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fwww.needlenthread.com%252FImages%252FMiscellaneous%252FTools%252FEmbroidery_Scissors_03.jpg%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fwww.needlenthread.com%252F2009%252F01%252Fsharp-and-small-scissors-for-hand.html%3B400%3B262) used for trimming stray hairs. I took an ice cube from the freezer and braced myself.
I thought things would probably go better if I iced down the infected follicle first, since then it might be numb to pain. ^^it ^^wasn't
I took the ice, and spent about a minute rubbing it on my balls before deciding to do this thing. I took the nail clippers and began clipping away the skin closest to the follicle. With every cut I came closer and closer to realizing just what a horrible idea this was. After a solid minute of cutting and cringing from pain, I had exposed the follicle... but my hands were starting to redden from every man's greatest fear... *scrotum blood.*
So now there was a steady trickle of blood blotting the area I was trying to access. I grabbed a tissue and wetted it down, cleaning the area every few seconds to get a better view. Somehow I managed to clear the little hole and get tiny scissors. It was about this point, sitting naked in my bathroom, hands covered in drops of scrote blood, that I realized that you can't actually clean an infected hair follicle without actual medicine. **Fuck it**, I thought, I'm finishing this.
So, gritting my teeth, I grabbed my little scissors and cut out the entire follicle. There ended up being a decent amount of blood and I might end up with a little scar. It was a truly terrible decision, but at least I saved some money, amirite?
---
[proof](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1v5ywb/tifu_by_attempting_minor_surgery_on_my_own/cep1gfy)
Edit: ~~I can't swear on my life that it was an infected follicle. It could've been something else, but that's my guess.~~
**Turns out I surgically removed a harmless [Fordyce spot.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fordyce%27s_spot).** Damn.
Edit: I'm back for your questions. And yeah, I know I'm an idiot.
Edit: Done sending PMs. That testicle train has departed.
saucypotatoes: Pics or it didn't happen
todxdurchxfeuer: Fuck it. Seconded.
TooLazyToRepost: I'll send a PM, you two can verify for me.
Edit: *sent*
todxdurchxfeuer: I don't know, guy. That wasn't that smart. A for effort?
TooLazyToRepost: Hey, I technically succeeded: I removed the infection without having to go to the doctor.
Win-win?
SuperbusAtheos: Why not just pop it?
TooLazyToRepost: Tried squeezing, to no avail.
| 8 | 75.375 | |
1389660289 | 1389765723 | t3_1v5gtz | t5_2to41 | 46 | [deleted]: TIFU by making a penis joke before a group prayer and then giggling uncontrollably throughout it
This happened a few months ago, but it just dawned on me to share this story now. And by that I mean I was reminiscing on the moment and cringing at what happened. So, without further ado, my story.
Our school's choir was putting on a concert. The choir teacher needed instrumental accompaniment and asked a couple of band students to join in on a few songs. My friend and I ended up joining in on trombone.
The concert night rolls around. We're waiting patiently a few minutes before the concert starts in the choir room. This is when the choir director tells everyone to hold hands so we can pray together (I go to a school in the Midwest). Now, my friend and I were standing next to each other, but there was no way we could hold hands if we were holding our trombones. We also commonly refer to the instrument as the boner. So, I decide to crack a joke and say..
"Hey, let's touch boners instead."
Now, this sort of crude humor wouldn't normally be a problem if it wasn't for the fact that I said it a bit too loud as soon as the room went silent to pray. I looked around in horror, hoping no one had heard it. Nope. Many began to laugh and many looked truly mortified.
The room began to break out into a mass hysteria of laughter and shock. Now, my band teacher also heard the unfortunate timing of my joke, and decided to help dispel the chaos and the now growing attention to myself by intervening and asking to begin. Mr. Russell, you are the wind beneath my wings.
However, at this point, all of the previous events caused me to laugh uncontrollably as well. The prayer had started, I put my head down, and I could not stop giggling throughout it. I was mortified. Here are 90 or so kids and a few teachers trying to pray, and I can't stop laughing through it because I asked my friend if we could slap dicks beforehand. Anyways, as soon as the prayer ended, I bolted for the door.
TL;DR - Boners and Jesus don't mix
[deleted]: So you and your friend like to blow boners?
[deleted]: As long as we have the right tonguing!
totallynot13: You want to have the right positions on your boner to be in tune
| 4 | 11.5 | |
1389671240 | 1389725628 | t3_1v5xr4 | t5_2to41 | 4 | Vicepresidentjp: TIFU by missing my cake day
Bye Karma train :'(
WPBDoc: I've always wondered? How does know when one's cake day is?
lostdeceiver: When it is your cake day an icon of a piece of cake appears next to your name in posts. Your cake day is the day you signed up for a reddit account. If you forgot the day [this site] (http://www.redditcakeday.com/) tells you when your cake day is.
WPBDoc: Thank you! That was very helpful and if I had gold to give, I'd give it to you.
TIL that I just missed my last two cake days.
| 4 | 1 | |
1389671218 | 1389689540 | t3_1v5xpp | t5_2to41 | 191 | PopRockRoll: TIFU by requesting a website be unbanned.
So, I am a 17 year old, so still in high school. My school has notoriously bad web filters. Everything is blocked. So I went onto Codecademy, and since it had been a while I decided to redo a lesson. Blocked. I sent a request to IT, because , shit, it's educational, right ? So. Send the request (including my email) and get an automated update. Turns out, Codecademy saves what you did last time, and I decided to put in random swear words for shits and giggles. Here's the [email] (http://i.imgur.com/Nbopiz8.jpg). I don't think I can go into school tomorrow.
Foobzy: Wow, the first story I've seen on here that doesn't involve jacking off or dicks.
MagikMitch: Or shitting yourself
mangamaster03: shhhhh...don't talk about it. Those people are clutching their flaming assholes right now just waiting for the chance to talk about it.
MagikMitch: I'm still waiting for shitting yourself *while* jacking off... Seems the logical conclusion to this sub.
kangarooseatbelt: lube is lube?
| 6 | 31.833333 | |
1389678584 | 1390015783 | t3_1v67yy | t5_2to41 | 43 | t3jem: TIFU by sitting... on my toe.
It was a nice warm afternoon and I was working on some micro-controllers for a hobby project. I was doing this in my office using a tall chair to sit on. After about 30 minutes of tinkering I finally get something to work and excitedly stand up. Since I'm tired of my previous position (you can't sit still for too long!) I decide to move my chair ever so slightly and sit back down.
This is where things go bad. I set the chair down and immediately realize the leg has landed on my toe. This wouldn't be a big deal if I hadn't already dropped my weight towards the chair. As if time had slown down by about 10x I tried to throw my weight away from the chair knowing the consequences should I fail. Unfortunately it was too late and my rump made did the bump and a wave of pain shot up from my toe.
I had instantly gotten back out of the chair, but the damage was done. I looked down and saw blood oozing out of the toe nail almost immediately. I then spend the next 20 minutes "icing" my toe with cold water in the bath tub. Once things seemed to die down a bit I go back and clean the blood out of the carpet, wincing with every step.
That night every slight touch of my sheets sent pain shooting up from my toe again. I learned that I needed to store pain killers in my home for such a time as this (my thought before was that I couldn't possibly hurt myself at home!). I eventually managed to get to sleep then wobble to work the next morning where I take some pain killers and slap a bandage on my toe (another thing I didn't keep at home).
After about a week of hobbling around things were getting better and the pain no longer required medicine. Then the unthinkable happened. I had to move an umbrella on our lunch patio to get some shade. Sure enough, as if there was a bright red target on my toe, the base of the umbrella decided to eject halfway to it's destination and place all 50lbs squarely on my already demolished toe. I then have to go through it all again, except this time there is no question I'm going to lose my toenail.
TL;DR - sat on toe, didn't have medicine.
MissKensington: OHMYGOD OHMYGOD OHMYGOD! And I thought I was the only one on the whole entire planet who actually managed to place a chair on my toe and sit on it! Dude you made my day!!!! I am not alone, neither are you! *toefist* :DDD
Also, go see a doctor. Toes are easily broken, sweetie.
t3jem: I am happy we now have this amazingly strong connection, but I must sadly decline the toefist for now
Edit: s/hut/but
ProblemPie: So I'm just casually cruising through backlogged TIFUs I've missed, and this is 3 days old, but I figured I'd mention: my anecdotal experience with broken toes is that seeing a doctor is too expensive, unless you have medical, to give a fuck about. The most I've ever had them do - from years of playing football and generally being a stupid, drunken/high (sometimes both!) teenager - is set the toe with tape or put a space between it and the next toe in line.
I have duct tape at home, and I'm uninsured, myself, so I'd rather tape it up on my bed than spend $100+ to have a doctor do it on his bench.
| 4 | 10.75 | |
1389683422 | 1389696138 | t3_1v6d06 | t5_2to41 | 5 | Caseyc17: TIFU @ my company christmas party...
im the chef at the restaurant i work at. we had our christmas party last night, at my aunt/owner's house. we all got really really drunk at the party then wenout to a bar after. i ended up crashing at the managers apartment and sleeping with one of the waitresses who works for me. shes been with her bf for 4 yeras. i fee like an ass and a home-wrecker. i just hope its not going to be awkward working with her now.
T3hBau5: Why did you have a Christmas party in the middle of January?
UraharaZR: Maybe they are ortodox?
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1389665020 | 1389844080 | t3_1v5o73 | t5_2to41 | 9 | TAXKOLLECTOR: TIFU by loosing a 400$ iPad that has lots of my homework and what not
so i showed up early to swim practice and went to the cafeteria that the place has. sat there talked with friends and left because i had to change and take a shit. i took my swim bag and coat but not my school bag which has various stuff including my fucking ipad. i didnt realize this until after the 2 hour swim practice. here is the great part too i dont have that find my apple device app and i wasnt registered on the iclaud thing either. i filled out a sheet where they will look at the camera footage and stuff but they still have yet to contact me
FUCK ME
kangarooseatbelt: That blows. Unless they can see who took it via the cameras, you're screwed. That said, if you think you know who took it (now or later), you should make sure you have the serial number written down somewhere (like find a copy of your receipt or ask apple) and then you can use that for proof it's yours.
ccck46: I think you can retrieve the serial # through the apple website.
| 3 | 3 | |
1389710005 | 1389766407 | t3_1v6x8e | t5_2to41 | 1,312 | [deleted]: TIFU by popping an infected ingrown hair.
This was a couple years ago, right before I moved out of my parents place. I only just remembered it when my mother reminded me at dinner last night (shortly you'll know why that statement is mildly humorous).
I had taken to trimming my manly bits as a young lad, as an Italian that is pretty much required to not lose your genitalia amid the jungle of thick, course fur. When I expanded my work to the whole region, trimming everything clean down to the skin I learned 2 things. 1. God damn I sweat a lot and 2. Don't fart with a trimmed to the skin butthole, it always sounds/feels like you shit your pants.
I got comfortable with my routine and could generally take care of the somewhat common ingrown hair. But somehow I missed one and it got infected, it was on my inner thigh. It got bad, within 2 weeks there was a spot slowly spreading up and down my thigh, it was infected badly. At this point I should have gone to the doctors, in retrospect I was being an absolute idiot to ignore infection spreading towards my dick but I thought "Neosporin can deal with it" fortunately it did beat the infection back to a small patch by applying it regularly.
Or at least that's what my untrained medical opinion was of the situation.
I finally got tired of this nonsense and took a super hot shower, soaking in the water pooling in the tub for half an hour. We didn't have any straight razors so I broke my razor and made use of that.
I positioned myself, my naked self, on the edge of the tub and began picking at the top of the nickel sized lump on my inner thigh. I was very careful to only scratch, never make a full cut since I didn't know anything about where veins were and didn't want to bleed out in a tub.
After scrapping as deep as I could due to the pain I put the razor down and started squeezing. I was anticipating that ultra rewarding feeling of an ingrown hair draining but it was so deep it took more force than I'd ever had to apply to pop one before.
Between the force and the pain I made a noise like "Aggggh" just loud enough for my mother passing the bathroom to hear. That's when it gave way.
There was an audible *snap* as the bubble of pus and blood gave way and the disgusting mixture shot out of my thigh, up my chest and finished by dumping half of it into the back of my throat.
I don't remember what it tasted like, only the texture, it was smooth and holy fuck was it warm. I instantly gagged and vomited on the edge of the tub. There was more blood than I anticipated coming out of my leg, and while turning to grab a town I slipped into the tub.
I'm laying there in shock just as I notice my mother pounding on the door, she heard me land in the tub and decided to forego the courtesy of knocking and force the door. She busts in panicky and I'm laying there, blood and pus on my chest and leg, vomit on the wall tub and floor and me laying naked in the inch of water.
I had to grab a towel and chase her down before she got to the phone, I did NOT want to deal with an ambulance too.
It was one of the most disgusting things to ever happen to me in my life and I just now realized this sounds like an iteration of The Aristocrats...god that says a lot about me.
TL;DR I squirted the contents of an enormous ingrown hair down my throat, and my mom saw me naked/covered in filth.
yesyourbutt: This is a rather graphic story. You have been warned.
About a year ago I found a tiny little pimple near the top of my ass crack and, as any normal man would do, I dug into that bad boy and was terrified out of my mind when it popped underneath my skin and I could actually feel it. Fast forward a couple of days, and I've got this thick lump on my ass that makes sitting unbearable. I go to the hospital and they tell me it's some sort of abscess and needed immediate draining (fuckin ew, right?) I get two numbing shots in my butt and right around I start forgetting why I'm there, a nurse-in-training from the local university and two other people come in because apparently I'm the subject of a medical student's clinical class. Anyway, they cut this mother fucker open and ~15oz of fluid shoots up my back, in my hair, on the floor. Every-goddamn-where. They shove this tube inside the open would and just start pumping water inside, pushing more of this bloody, dark green liquid all over my back and inside my ass crack. Finally, they inserted a long antibiotic strip that stuck out of the skin about an inch which I had to get pulled out a couple weeks later. It was an ordeal.
CoolMachine: Pilondial cyst, I'm guessing. It's a thing that happens to guys almost exclusively.
ArchHero: Nope. I'm a girl. I had one that had to be lanced. I thought I wouldn't have to deal with it again. Nope again. Three months later I have to do surgery for two. Missed a month of school, and it didn't heal for like a year. I still have problems with that area. I was 17.
CoolMachine: Man, that sucks. How can an area like that NOT get aggravated once you have a problem like that?
ArchHero: The surgery sucked so bad. My mom had to clean it everyday for a year, and when she first saw it, she was like "oh...oh my god". For some reason my pain wasn't as bad as others who have the surgery. Maybe some of my nerves are fucked up. I'm just glad it hasn't came back.
CoolMachine: Freaky that you had two at the same time. Also the wound needed daily cleaning for a year. ((((shudder))))
ArchHero: I know. My poor mom. It was 7cm deep. My mom could fit most of her hand in it if she wanted to. I've heard worse stories though. Mine isn't as bad as some.
| 8 | 164 | |
1389707894 | 1389719453 | t3_1v6uyl | t5_2to41 | 11 | SirenOnTheWaves: TIFU by potentially ruining a deal for a fledgling local business
My mother and a friend of her's have just started a business making/selling dog biscuits. Neither of them knows much at all about advertising and/or marketing, and having managed my own business for years (working in the entertainment industry) I've had quite a bit of experience and understand the importance of such things. I'm an artist, so I offered to handle their graphic design work and was made an admin on their facebook fan page to upload graphics and such.
I got a notification about them getting a new message, so I decided to check it. The message was from a woman offering some sort of advertising service, including graphics. The website she linked to was so terrible and would make any legit web designer vomit. Most things were typed in caps, the font choice was largely Comic Sans MS and the graphics looked like cheap, shitty clipart at best. Her message was also poorly-worded, so overall I genuinely thought it was spam and I have very little patience for such things. I responded by abrasively picking apart her approach *and* reporting her to facebook for spam, as I have done many times before in dealing with spammers in my own business.
However, I've just found out she was a friend of a friend of my mother's, and was referred to them as part of a potential offer to help them spread the word about their new business. My mother's business partner's friend (who referred the lady who messaged their page) apparently manages millions of dollars of business in this area, and the woman from advtertising/delivery business who messaged them is well known and respected (?!) in the area.
So.. oops?
I've just finished sending apology messages to both the woman who sent the message and the friend who referred her. Hopefully they won't hold this against my mother and her friend/business partner.
TheJackal8: It's not your fault that they're terrible at their job and other people don't realize she's bad.
SirenOnTheWaves: Thank you for saying that.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1389721044 | 1390928412 | t3_1v7csx | t5_2to41 | 299 | Texas-flood: TIFU by being under my parents bed [NSFW]
Ok so this happened when I was 6 years old. I lived in California at the time, and in the Greater LA area. Needless to say it never snowed. Well my parents wake me up one night to let me see snow for the first time ever at like 12:15 AM. Looks cool man... feels cold... I ask my parents if I can sleep in there bed tonight because its cold outside(idk why but parents beds are more comfortable when you are a kid) they said no. I should have listened!
So as they tuck me into bed and say goodnight, then they go to put my sister to bed...Well I decide, with my 6yo logic, that I will sneak into my parents room while they are putting my sister to bed, hide under their bed, and when they go to sleep, climb into their warm bed.
Well this is where IFU. I am laying under the bed waiting for them to go to sleep, and they don't sleep. I start to hear moaning and name calling i have never heard before. I really did not know what sex was at 6(I kind of thought it was naked people laughing in bed together LOL), but i KNEW I wasn't supposed to be there.. I knew I had messed up.
I needed an exit strategy ASAP, but I didn't really have one. Looking back on it, I wish I had been more patient, but I just couldn't be in that room one more second. so I army crawl out from under the bed towards the bedpost(foot of the bed) and stand up. I made the worst decision I have EVER made in my entire life, and I looked over.
My mothers eyes connected with mine as she was receiving what my dad was giving and she screamed. I couldn't comprehend what I was seeing I know I turned white because I felt my heart stop pumping blood. Such a bad way to learn about Sex. .. So she screams my dad's name when she sees me, but he thinks she is cheering him on, until she says "Stop!!!" and then he sees me. Side note: I don't know why i couldn't move I just couldn't.
He yells to get out. I run for the door and try to open it, and ...its locked!!! i can't get it open to save my life... i almost break the door as I am shaking running to my room.
When I ate my Cap'n Crunch in the morning, it was definitely the most awkward bowl I ever ate.
I know my dad wanted to punish me(ground me or something) but what could he say?
TLDR; I caught my parents doing the deed at a young age.
[deleted]: This made me laugh soooooooooooo hard. Thanks for submitting it!
Texas-flood: stick around and next week I will submit another story.
OP will deliver!
spacepuppy69: You said you'd deliver. :(
Texas-flood: today at 10pm. I am sorry
| 5 | 59.8 | |
1389719538 | 1389829244 | t3_1v7ad5 | t5_2to41 | 44 | StalkerDodger: TIFU by, what else, shitting my pants.
This is just a plain sad story of a commuter student who trusted one too many farts. There have been many close calls in my career as a commuter student, days where the need to poo struck my bowels with the force of a Rancor, but today was not one of those days. I felt no real need to drop a duece, but I have been somewhat flatulant of late. So right as I pull into the parking lot of school I let one rip.
Then I feel the wetness. Or so I think. Sometimes they can feel wet but not be. So I finger check.
Then I feel the shame. And I feel further shame as I hobble into my first class of the day and sit on the load in my pants. People start looking around wondering what that smell could be....just kidding.
TL;DR: NEVER trust a fart, handicapped stalls are the best for underwear removal, and if you ever need a reason to skip class...shit your pants.
BreakfastWithReddit: Something something, reset the counter, never trust a fart, yadda yadda.
NextArtemis: Something something /r/InternetAdvice.
| 3 | 14.666667 | |
1389848968 | 1389900492 | t3_1v7tex | t5_2to41 | 8 | t3jem: 4 grand is quite a chunk of change :)
ApexTechnicalSchool: Damnit, I can't tell if you're flirting with me or not!
mark0210: I'd take your chunk, OP ;)
No, for real, I'm poor.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1389727320 | 1389894710 | t3_1v7mvv | t5_2to41 | 30 | eirinlinn: TIFU by buying foundation that doesn't match my skin.
Everything looked as though matched my skin tone when i was inside applying it; but when I stepped outside it looks like I'm wearing brownface.
What makes it better is the fact that I'm on my way to drop of a job application and there isn't anything I can do about it.
BONUS: I spent 33 bucks on foundation I'll never be able to use.
WhiiteDallia: If you can't return it, buy a shade that's way too light and "cut" the too dark foundation with it...I've had decent luck experimenting and making a custom foundation for myself this way and avoided the dreaded, tell-tale, you-are-so-wearin'-make-up "base face".... not to mention being able to use the too dark foundation I'd originally bought!
eirinlinn: Thank you! I'll definitely consider doing that :)
lucidviolet: I second cutting the foundation. This happened to me and I'm extremely pale! So I took a white foundation, Manic Panic dreamtone, I used when I went to a rave and ended up creating what matched my skin to a T. It didn't even clash with my concealer.
Good luck and here's to you getting the job!
| 4 | 7.5 | |
1389735618 | 1389759684 | t3_1v80p4 | t5_2to41 | 80 | DangerousUnicorn: TIFU by shitting my pants at the gym
Well today I decided to go to the gym since I'm on exam break. I was going trough my work out when I noticed that my abs felt strange, like they were being squeezed really tight, but I just carried on hoping it'd go away. I went onto do some chin-ups then some pull ups and then I go to do some backwards pull ups (don't know what to call them) and that's when I felt it I was 5 reps in and this hot liquid just fills my compression shorts. I had literally just worked myself to the point of shitting my pants at the gym. Here is where I made the decision to finish my set before leaving so I didn't look so suspicious. Bad idea. I received the worst looks as people who passed me smelled the liquid shit in my pants. When I finished I didn't bother to go shower I just sped home in my car while sitting in my shit. I got home had a shower and contemplated why I didn't just leave right away.
TL;DR Pooped pants while doing pullups ay the gym, finished set and drove home marinating in my bad judgement.
cdude: >compression shorts
Doesn't surprise me one bit that the kind of person who shits himself would also be the kind of person who wears compression shorts.
DangerousUnicorn: Is there a problem with being comfortable while working out? Or am I missing something here?
djdes: The drive home didn't sound comfortable.
DangerousUnicorn: 0/10 would not try again
| 5 | 16 | |
1389737934 | 1389772173 | t3_1v84kv | t5_2to41 | 66 | [deleted]: TIFU by dyeing my hair orange before traveling internationally
So Reddit, TIFU by potentially destroying my *extremely* expensive and long awaited trip to Europe for four months, which I'm going on through the generosity of some friends who live there, and by saving money with 39 hours worth of layovers.
Anywho, to celebrate my upcoming first plane flight (which crosses not one, not two, but FOUR international borders) my mom decides to buy a bottle of cheap tequila. As it happens, my stepfather had been planning earlier in the day to buy some 'touch of grey' hair dye, as he's getting pretty grey around the edges.
So, the scene is this: we walk into the drugstore, more tequila than blood, and he decides that wouldn't it be hilarious if he died his hair blonde. We decided that it would. So we return with this box of blonde dye, and the exchange that I *DO* remember goes like this:
My mum: 'Well hey Refreshify, your stepdad is dyeing his hair, why can't you??'
Stepdad: 'Ha, I bet you ten bucks that he wouldn't do it'
Me: ' (tequila burp ) '
Ten dollars is a lot of money to somebody potentially going to Europe already low on cash. That ten belongs to me, come hell or high water. So I don't remember the actual process of dyeing my hair, but I have (or rather, had) black hair. Black, black.
I wake up this morning, stumble into the bathroom to soak my face in hot water, and prepare myself to go pick up my updated passport. My hair is bright orange. I didn't remember clearly, and at that point I didn't remember *at all* how my hair went from black to pumpkinhead. But whatever, it's just hair, right?
**WRONG**
Now, I look totally different from my passport. Picture Billy Idol headbutts a pumpkin. I was held in limbo for *three hours* while they try and 'confirm my identity', and then they proceed to tell me that I probably can't pass through border security since I am so different from the photo. But I have to do that FOUR TIMES EACH WAY...
**TL;DR: Had tequila, crossed Billy Idol with Pumpkinhead, and now likely can't go to Europe**
WPBDoc: Well, you can cover your hair with a turban. That won't catch anyone's attention at the airport. You should be good to go.
If you're American, people might mistake you for the guy who shot-up the theater in Colorado, though.
Context: I'm assuming you're a dude due to the Billy Idol reference.
Refreshify: I'm a dude, correct. But due to my Indian background and skin tone, adding a turban would definitely make me a randomly selected strip search. Four times
The_Homestarmy: Could be worth it. It sucks, but it's not like you're bringing cocaine.
| 4 | 16.5 | |
1389757015 | 1389809159 | t3_1v8y8g | t5_2to41 | 1,563 | fur-throwaway-: TIFU by wearing an ill-fitting swimsuit.
I went to the pool with my little cousin today, and I was too damn excited to wear my new two-piece. It was a little loose on my bony-ass frame, but it was cute, and it was the best-fitting one they had it in the style.
My little cousin urged me to go on one of the smaller waterslides. Unfortunately, as soon as I sat down, the water-jet yanked my swimsuit bottoms down to my ankles. I struggled to pull them up as I went down the slide. I had to retie them at the bottom, but yeah, I'd say I preserved my modesty pretty well. Nobody saw.
Then I looked back up at my cousin, and she was just staring at me with the most horrified look. I didn't know why, until about an hour later, when our moms came to pick us up…
"Momma! Momma! Did you know Emily has FUR??"
The two looked at each other, and just burst into hysterical laugher. I felt my face heat up like a teakettle. I guess she got a better look at my personal items than I'd realized.
So yeah, fast forward to that night. My little cousin told everyone in our house about my pubic hair, and listened on in amazement as she learned that she'd grow her own someday. I just stayed in my room and pretended that I didn't know the whole family was talking about my garden of womanhood.
They were all laughing so hard. I knew it wasn't at me, but rather my cousin's childlike amazement toward the human body. Still, it's mortifying! Family, can we NOT talk about my secret hair??!
TL;DR Oversized pants fell down, Little cousin told the whole world that my big-girl hair is in
tyuny: I think it was a good lesson for your cousin. At least now she knows what to expect when she gets older. Although it's weird that she hasn't seen a grown woman (like her mother) naked before (unless the woman waxes/shaves).
cupids_hitman: How is that weird?
ElGoddamnDorado: You didn't stare at your mother naked when you were a kid? Weirdo.
k12314: It's more like "You didn't bathe with your mother when you were little?" Lots of parents do that with their kids so they can keep watch over their young'uns in the slippery, dangerous tub full of lung-flooding water.
cupids_hitman: I was bathed by my parents when I was little, but they never bathed with me. Is that a thing people do? Seems a bit odd.
k12314: Yeah, my mom did it when I was around 5 or 6. Her reasoning is that I was too old to be washed by mommy, but not old enough to be alone in the bath.
cupids_hitman: That makes no sense, but okay.
k12314: Well basically, here's how it works. If I'm in the bath and not having mommy do all the work, I learn how to bathe myself, which is a basic function that kids need to learn. But if mommy isn't in the room and I hurt myself, I might get myself seriously injured, and my mom always bathed me at night when she went to bed, so she kept watch over me and got her own bath at the same time.
iwatchweeds: I was a nanny for years, used to hang out on a closed toilet lid and read a book until it was time for the hair wash. There are many ways to be in the room that don't involve adults clambering into bathtubs with 5 year olds.
And yes, obviously it's different when it's your own kid.
sunderella: Yep. This is how I bathed my last two charges and their parents did the same, though they showered as a family often. The bath just wasn't big enough for more than one kid. But I remember bathing and changing with my mom as a kid. Figured that was a normal kid thing to do
| 11 | 142.090909 | |
1389766894 | 1389788489 | t3_1v9b02 | t5_2to41 | 58 | [deleted]: TIFU Big Time...Twice
So around 2:50 this afternoon I left my house with my cat and set off for the Vet. I get inside and begin making small talk with this quiet guy sitting next to me in the waiting room. The chatting seemed a little forced and he says that he might starve to death if it takes any longer. I mentioned that if he's really hungry he should just go to the Chinese joint ironically placed two storefronts down and order while he's waiting. I also made a comment about how fresh the food was. The man says surprised, "Wow there aren't many Asian places around here with good fresh food." I said, "Yeah, they get their dead cat imported from here daily ;)" trying to get a little laugh. He turned towards me and his eyes started peering into my fucking soul. Then, without warning, he bursts into tears and starts sobbing like a child. Turns out he was at the vet to put his elderly cat down...Whoops.
Fast forward a few hours and I'm still feeling like a piece of shit. I decided to try and forget it and make myself an early dinner of sautéed onions, peppers, and sausage. Being a guy who likes his food extra spicy, I cut up a habanero pepper to garnish on top. After I eat, my mind is no longer preoccupied with hunger, so of course I want to beat off. I get going and notice a nice little burning sensation start on my goods. HOLY SHIT I DIDN'T WASH MY HANDS. I kid you not, it feels like satan himself is fondling my johnson with his fiery red hands as the hot oils from the pepper seep further and further into my skin. The next half hour is spent with me submerging my dick&balls into multiple bowls of milk and praying for the pain to stop. Today just wasn't my day.
TL;DR Today I joked about dead cats and accidentally set my dick on fire.
ONE6Teen: This is why I sometimes like being more of a silent type. - Also, this is at least the 4th time on here I've read about people fondling their goods while still having spicy residue on their hands.
con42scientist: I didn't fondle my junk, but one time I did this with Habaneros and my eyes at a restaurant I worked at.
Oh man that was brutal.
| 3 | 19.333333 | |
1389772181 | 1390007640 | t3_1v9fpx | t5_2to41 | 152 | [deleted]: TIFU by practicing my evasive maneuvers
So I'm driving home after a long day, and I'm on the highway. It's a two lane highway, I'm in the right lane, and some car starts riding my ass with its brights on and blinding me.
I'm a combat vet, who drove over 150,000 miles through Iraq with a high level of PTSD ESPECIALLY when someone is riding my ass with brights on. So.. I do the only sensible thing:
I swerve left. I swerve right. Quick! Slam the brakes! NOW GUN IT!!
And that's when I saw the most beautiful, pretty flashing red and blue lights in my rear view mirror.
Yep. Not a terrorist. There's no Jihadist who wants to hurt me. It's not even a local inconsiderate douche.
I lied and told him I was tired from work, but I don't think he cared once he found out I was sober. He let me off with a warning and I decided I need to do something about my paranoia.
CAHooptie: You like dogs? I think getting a dog would help you with your PTSD.
[deleted]: I like dags
CAHooptie: Dags are great, yah.
Serious, though. I am dealing with PTSD, and having a dog around helps tremendously. You can tell a dog anything, and they tune in to you and your emotions, so they know when and how to calm you down.
[deleted]: I'm not an animal person but my SO has a cat. But really I'm not an animal person. And I'm not sure an animal could help paranoia anyway.
CaptainBenza: That's because cats don't do the whole "loving" thing. Dogs do. You haven't known unconditional love until you've had a furry bundle of adoration lick your face.
Vengeance417: They say that dogs love their owners more than they love themselves. ;u;
ProblemPie: I've met dogs that loved me, as a *stranger*, more than some of my family members have, man.
Dogs are serious.
| 8 | 19 | |
1389789581 | 1389827347 | t3_1v9rby | t5_2to41 | 6 | KThxBaiNao: TIFU By Choosing the Wrong Person
So, it wasn't today.
It was two years ago in my freshman year of college. There was this girl named Alexa. I was hanging out doing laundry in the dorm building of one of my friends when she walked in. We didn't say anything, just kind of made eye contact. As she was leaving she told me that she thought I was really cute and walked out. I didn't chase her.
A day or two later, I see her in the kitchen of the dorm building I'm staying in. She's making ramen (of course) and I decide to actually talk to her. We get along, hang out for a bit, and exchange numbers. Next thing you know, we're hanging out everyday. Getting food, watching things on Netflix, and going out and exploring the town's pho scene. Great friends. And she's cute. Like REALLY CUTE. Curly hair, beautiful blue eyes, the cutest freckles ever, and a contagious smile.
UNFORTUNATELY I was in a really unhealthy relationship, but I'm too stupid to have gotten out of it. It wasn't even a relationship at that point. It was me, not wanting to date while I'm in college, but her not wanting to let go of me. And I let it happen. So, Alexa is kind of the side girl. BECAUSE IM A FUCKING IDIOT. She's real sweet and understand that I'd want to try to work things out with her. Then after my relationship finally ends, and I start to hang out with Alexa more my best friend and I have this heart to heart. He tells me he's jealous. Jealous because he REALLY likes Alexa, but she's only interested in me. He tells me how CRAZY about her he is, and I could see it. I knew it the whole time.
What do I do after he tells me? The dumbest fucking thing ever.
I start being an asshole to her. I hang out with her less. I go out and party more, and bring back different girls. I talk to her like she's dumb. I just go full douche, and you never go full douche. So, we stop talking. Almost completely. She hangs out with my best friend a lot, and he was happy. They never dated, but he got to spend more time with her. And I felt like I did a good thing. Too bad she fucking hates my guts and won't talk to me after that.
Flash forward a couple months. She still doesn't talk to me. She smacks my roommate's butt (he was a part of our circle of friends before I alienated myself from her) and I decide it's a good idea to smack hers back for him. GREAT IDEA. Now she's mad at me for that.
Two years later. Here I am. 4:30 AM and writing this post because I wish that I had cut things with my "then girlfriend", pursued a relationship with Alexa, and had just focused on school. Maybe if I had dated her, I would have wanted to be at school even more and focused. Maybe I'd still be in college. Maybe my dad wouldn't be pissed off at me for dropping out. Maybe I wouldn't be working this shitty retail job, and wishing I'd stayed in school so I could get it out of the way. Maybe I wouldn't be writing this right now.
Maybe I'd be happy.
Edit: Some silly spelling mistakes.
swordfishtrombonez: > Maybe if I had dated her, I would have wanted to be at school even more and focused. Maybe I'd still be in college. Maybe my dad wouldn't be pissed off at me for dropping out. Maybe I wouldn't be working this shitty retail job, and wishing I'd stayed in school so I could get it out of the way. Maybe I wouldn't be writing this right now.
> Maybe I'd be happy.
Or maybe everything still would have turned out that way. If you're unhappy with your situation, change it (go back to school and apply yourself). Don't put all this unhappiness with your life on another person.
One thing you *could* do is write her an email and explain why you were a jerk (leave your friend's specific name out of it).
WhereIStandIWillFall: yeah. dude has nothing to lose. just go for it.
| 3 | 2 | |
1389790599 | 1389887253 | t3_1v9s6l | t5_2to41 | 4 | Noctuae: TIFU by overthinking, overreacting, and almost scaring off an awesome girl.
So I met this girl online and we hit things off really well. We both fell for each other really fast. We talked about how crazy it was how fast things seemed to happen but initially were both okay with it.
Eventually, she messaged me saying "Its scaring me how fast things are moving, I think we need to slow down."
My mind immediately goes into over drive, "SHES GOING TO DITCH YOU. YOU'RE GOING TO LOSE HER. YOU'RE GOING TO GO BACK TO BEING ALONE." So I kind of freak out and make a jackass of myself.
"After this I think we should just be friends. Idk:/"
So yeah, TIFU.
TL;DR: Hit things off with girl, she gets scared of how fast things are moving, I panic and make a jackass of myself.
[deleted]: What exactly did you do?
Noctuae: Turns out it wasn't particularly anything I'd done. She spoke to a mutual friend about it and he relayed her side to me.
She just felt like she couldnt deal with the whole online aspect and decided we should just be friends, which is making things kind of weird because we weren't TRYING to be more than friends. So I have to specifically try to be 'just friends' which means I can't act naturally around her.
This is getting off of the original topic, but I appreciate it if you took the time to read it :/
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1389818342 | 1389829718 | t3_1vavtw | t5_2to41 | 17 | HaZyFaZy: TIFU by getting dressed in front of my girlfriend, shitting myself at work, trying to sneak home and shower up, but instead get accused of cheating because I was "...wearing underwear this morning! Now what happened to them, cheater?!"
Yep. Another story about someone shitting themselves.
cody246: Hahaha tell her you shit yourself man.
HaZyFaZy: Man, I've tried playing it off so long now ( 3 days so far) that if I come out say I pooed in my jeans, she wouldn't believe it.
Tufari: You: "Have you ever seen rat race?"
Her: "What does that have to do with anything?"
You: "Well you know that scene when the girl has to go to the washroom and her dad won't stop?"
Her: "Stop trying to change to subject?"
You: "Well remember when she was like, 'I'm prairie dogging it'? Well I tried it out at work, and wasn't as fortunate."
Her: "What the <insert inappropriate word> are you talking about?!"
You: "Sherry... I shit myself at work."
Her: "Then Why didn't you just tell me in the first place?"
You: "Would you tell me if you weren't sick and shit yourself in public?"
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1389805739 | 1389829589 | t3_1vab1x | t5_2to41 | 774 | Deadly_Mindbeam: TIFU By not muting my tablet during a company meeting
Long story short, I was in an hours long meeting, browsing reddit on my tablet to pass the time during the boring parts. Clicking around I see an article about a DEA raid in Colorado. I clicked the link, ready to get my rage on, and it turns out to be an autoplaying video from Huffington Post. Before I could mute it, the whole room hears "And now some bad news for pot smokers..." Silence. Laughter. Embarrasment. The CEO happens to be sitting right in front of me and turns around and gives me a glare. And it turns out the article was from the middle of last year so I didn't even get a chance to hate the feds.
thebornotaku: More like today you fucked up by not paying attention at work you dipshit
[deleted]: hey now... be nice.
Urrrhn: It's hilarious that this is a subreddit where people come to confess that they fucked up, and most of the comments are "Hey, you fucked up."
NobodySpecific: It's more like somebody makes a post about how they fucked up by trusting a fart and shitting all over the babies face, when the real fuck up is positioning one's anus above the baby in the first place. It's important that people recognize where they went wrong if they ever hope to prevent it from occurring again.
thebornotaku: Precisely. Issue wasn't the video, it was dicking off at work.
Rickles68: Do you just cruise TIFU waiting to call out people that are already calling themselves out? You're kind of pointing out the obvious.
thebornotaku: Nah, it was on my home page. But if somebody says they were redditing at work then I'll call them out... Save that shit for your own time.
| 8 | 96.75 | |
1389820580 | 1389878716 | t3_1vazpi | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by accepting insurance on a concert ticket.
I don't even remember seeing a fucking box for the insurance anywhere but I'll be damned if it didn't charge me $7 for a 4 hour show. Didn't even know ticket insurance was a thing.
EazyFries: $7 isn't really that big of a fuck up.
JeremyR22: I sure wish that all I had to worry about in life was $7...
| 3 | 2 | |
1389828014 | 1390470595 | t3_1vbcpj | t5_2to41 | 1,658 | Moosemaster21: TIFU by grabbing a fat lady's boob.
So I took a road trip with a couple of my best friends (one of whom is quite large) to California this week just to have a little fun and get out of the cold (we live in Minneapolis). My friends and I are very comfortable with each other. We're all straight guys, but we do weird ass shit like spank each other and cuddle just to make other people uncomfortable. Anyway, the trip was a wonderful time. Naturally, I was exhausted for the ride home (We took a greyhound because it was actually cheaper and we thought it would be fun) so I fell asleep.
I woke up a few hours later with my head on my large friend's shoulder and I think I drooled a little bit. Being the awkward little fuck that I am, I sensually wipe the drool off his shoulder and start rubbing around that area, then move my hand over to his boob, and start squeezing that mushy skin sack vigorously. No reaction. I look up to see his face and guess what. IT'S A MOTHERFUCKING WOMAN. She had been asleep as well, but she started to stir and groggily opened her eyes, frowning. I'm a fucking idiot so I just sat there petrified with my hand on her boob and my face still pressed against her shoulder. She looks down at my hand, then looks at me, then looks at my hand, shakes her head like she thinks it's a dream, and she closed her eyes for a split second. For that moment I thought she had fallen back asleep and I was in the clear, but nope. She closed her eyes to add emphasis to the deafening "WHAT THE *FUCK* DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" I recoiled like a puppy getting kicked in the nose. I stumbled into the aisle and looked around for my friends while this lady is screaming at me, waking up half the passengers who were still sleeping, and everyone starts staring at me with disapproval like I just went streaking at their child's elementary school or some shit.
I sulked to the back of the bus where I found my friends laid out sound asleep. They had previously been sitting by me and must have moved while I slept through a rest stop or something. I was humiliated and confused and angry for no reason, so I punched my sleeping fat friend in the boob and sat down next to him. As I hurriedly explained my predicament after he woke up incensed, we looked back to the front of the bus and saw the fat lady talking to the bus driver animatedly. At the next rest stop, the driver came up to me and asked for my side of the story. I tried to explain but it's not exactly normal to say you thought you were squeezing your 20 year old friends boob and it turns out to be some planet-sized 50-year-old hag.
The bus driver was a really nice guy, actually stifled his laughter as I was super panicky about the whole thing, and he said according to Greyhound policy he was supposed to kick me off with no refund for sexual harassment, but being that it was a misunderstanding, he wouldn't enforce it. He definitely kept his eye on me for the rest of the ride though, and I sat there motionless because I was too horrified to sleep.
**TL;DR** On a cross-country trip, thought I grabbed my male friends boob, turns out to be an enormous bra-less female who almost had me thrown off the bus halfway home.
thecheat1: You say you took a road trip to California and took a Greyhound back.. where is the car you originally took to California??
Moosemaster21: Road trip as in we took the Greyhound there and back. Sorry for the confusion!
Mr_Evil_MSc: Technically, you rode the bus.
Dustmuffins: Rode trip
allyareyouokay: Wouldn't it still be a road trip since, technically, they are on the road?
Mr_Evil_MSc: Yes, but there's a certain intimation about a road trip, that you're together, solely, and that you are in direct control of the vehicle you're in (be it car, bik, bus, truck, etc.). Taking the bus and calling it a 'road trip' is slightly disingenuous, particularly since taking the bus also has it's own contextual set of experiences.
blazinganj: I think you might need to reevaluate your life.
[deleted]: I want to know what a 'bik' is.
Mr_Evil_MSc: You couldn't deduce 'bike' from the context?
Cougs67: Whoosh
| 11 | 150.727273 | |
1389847265 | 1389848201 | t3_1vc72p | t5_2to41 | 35 | adj1: TIFU by listening to music and not paying attention
Not today, but whatever. I was working at my Aunt's as they were building a new house and I needed work that summer. I did whatever I could as they built this huge mansion. When there wasn't much for me to do around the house I would work on the grounds, which were immense. One day the overgrown lawn needed to be cut to allow access to the pond or something. I threw on my ipod, blasted tunes and mowed it with the riding mower then proceeded to start to trim around the bushes and trees with one of those hand held gas powered trimmers with the metal blades. I get to one large tree near the house and go at it. By now I'm headbanging to something as I felt something splatter across my body and up over my face. I had hit a large, watery, rancid shit from my Aunt's massive dog and I was covered in it. Luckily I was wearing sunglasses so it didn't go in my eyes, but the worst part? I was smiling when it happened.
lostdeceiver: How did it taste?
adj1: It tasted like shame.
| 3 | 11.666667 | |
1389849208 | 1390274700 | t3_1vc9pl | t5_2to41 | 107 | tomtom24ever: TIFU by admitting to my mother that I fap and illegally torrent porn. I'm in High School and my mother just received a letter from my internet service company about porn being torrented illegally.
Before I rant about this, lemme fill you in. My mom's never caught me in the act and I do torrent from time to time. I keep all my porn on my computer and I make sure all of the stuff is virus-free and doesn't have a tracking device or shit like that, or at least keep a good eye on it and inspect most of it.
I was browsing le reddits when my mom barges in to my room saying "I'm sick of you doing this" I'm like, "shiiieeeeet. The report card came" in my head. She says, "I don't want you downloading porn, I'm going to put a restriction on your computer, rabble rabble rabble"
I was like in awe, like fuck, did I really let this CEG TEK company track me down? I thought I was good about this shit. Well, gg, time to admit it. "Yeah, i downloaded pornography" She was like, "Let me see it, I want to see you delete all of it." Me being proud of my small but prideful 50 gb porn collection lied, saying I delete everything I download afterwards. (I hide my porn pretty well, far into my .minecraft files, so no one will ever look, but I have a quick shortcut that leads right to it as I am lazy.) She was convinced I was lying, and told me to do it. I wanted to avoid the fact of looking at the thumbnails of my glorious porn collection in front of my mother. I allowed her to look through my computer to see if she could find it. (She's not the greatest tech wiz out there.) She didn't find it.
As I'm waiting for her to look through, I decide to read the letter. "The Family That Lays Together" and "Porno Pranks" I was like, wait.. I have never downloaded this shit. The only person I would know who would download this shit is my brother, who just recently visited, conveniently on the date that it says it was tracked.
I began to start yelling, and realizing that I just admitted to masturbating to my mom and illegally downloading porn for no good reason. I assume there's gonna be a quite awkward tension between me and my mom being that she just found out I masturbate. *sigh* She also yelled at me saying that this stuff is way to inappropriate for someone as young as me. What do you expect out of a High Schooler that has access to porn, seriously.
Anyways, the lesson learned is that I shouldn't allow my brother internet access when he's home and that torrenting stuff illegally will take it's toll on you. I'm gonna stick to good old tube sites for now and lay my head low.
**TL;DR** Mom got a letter from internet provider saying we downloaded porn, blamed me, I admitted it, I found out it was my brother that did it and I admitted it for nothing.
Thanks for reading, upvote, downvote, doesn't really matter, I'm just pissed that I won't be able to fap without thinking about my mom yelling at me for the next 2 weeks. At least.
Edit: Also, I don't recommend downloading "Porno Pranks" or "The Family that lays together" on piratebay. That shit is tracked by CEG TEK
SnooSnooCookie: Who downloads porn? Just use the websites, bro.
IWantAFuckingUsename: If you want to watch it multiple times and you don't want to bookmark it, downloading is good.
SnooSnooCookie: I'm too scared of people finding my porn, I just (try and) remember the name of the video. Problems for not having a personal device #FWP
lM_NOT_SORRY: Psssh just create a reasonable sized true crypt file within the depths of the windows folder, use another random file (you put there) in another place in the windows folder as the filekey and have a 20 character password. Even if someone found it, they'd have to find the key and then crack the stupid long password.
SnooSnooCookie: The media player on the laptop I use shows recently viewed videos. I know this because that's how I accidentally found the porn my brother watches.
lM_NOT_SORRY: Get a portable copy of VLC and keep that in the porn crypt folder too.
SnooSnooCookie: What is VLC?
lM_NOT_SORRY: It's a media player which plays virtually any type of video file imaginable, probably the most used media player around.
[Here it is.](http://www.videolan.org/)
tomtom24ever: I had VLC but it looked sketchy so I uninstalled
deviantelf: Long time user of VLC... not sketchy, just simple and lightweight. Not my favorite media player, but it definitely has uses and does most anything without jumping through a bunch of bloatware or codec hoops.
tomtom24ever: It doesn't look that clean... Then again, the only clean video media player I've seen is on Mac, but there's no way I'm using a mac
LimblessNick: What do you mean? It's simplistic, plays any file without issue, and unbloated. Pretty much the best video player around.
tomtom24ever: I don't like the borders on the video players, they're ugly. I only like the Mac one because there are no borders. VLC's had the same thing, I actually mainly use the Vuze video player now, it can play any video file and suits me well
LimblessNick: The borders? You don't watch videos fullscreen?
tomtom24ever: As I am still living with my mother I constantly take precaution. Plus, I download them 480, if I full screen it becomes grainy and meh
LimblessNick: Oh right. I forgot we were talking about porn haha. I've never had a problem with 480 fullscreened for T.V. shows, but for porn it's kind of different. I still don't know that the borders are "ugly". The look like the borders on any other window.
tomtom24ever: It's a personal type of thing I guess. It's mainly because porn is recorded with toasters most of the time, (sometimes a potato, if we're lucky) and yields about 3 fps. Tv shows with an ACTUAL budget tend to have better frames and I wouldn't mind viewing in full screen in 360/480
LimblessNick: I'll agree there. Porn makers do seem to go out of their way to find the shittiest camera money can buy before filming.
tomtom24ever: I'm pretty sure Best Buy would pay you to take the camera
| 20 | 5.35 | |
1389848211 | 1389931917 | t3_1vc8e1 | t5_2to41 | 129 | daBroviest: TIFU like eight times in quick succession.
Aight. Here goes.
So today was finals, and I got to my building at around 7:30 AM, yet the test wasn't going to start until 11:10. Alright, I thought to myself, cool. I'll have some time to waste playing mindless games on my laptop.
So I open up my MacBook and start up a CoD 4 game, and I get going. Pretty soon the noise is dwindling down in the commons and I look up to see nearly no one around. So I check my watch and see that *three hours have gone by*. It is now 10:30, and I haven't studied one ounce for this test. So I'm all like, "well fuck," and I open up my notebook and start reading frantically.
Thirty minutes later I've made virtually no headway, and already know the material well enough to have a B+ going into the final, so I just think "fuck it, I'll do it." So I throw the book in my bag and walk off to the room where the final was going to be held.
Two hours later, the final was literally one of the worst tests I've ever taken. Fuck, it was hard. It seemed like I only knew the second half of the test because that was the most recent stuff we reviewed. So I've got that sinking feeling in my stomach because I know it'll be eating at me for the entire four-day weekend we have after finals.
Boom. My brother texts me telling me to meet him at the car. Alright, I go and throw my bag in the back, and he tells me we're going to Safeway to grab a bite to eat with a few of my friends. We hop in my car and drive off.
We get to the Safeway and walk in, heading straight for the Deli. We order and the time to pay comes up, so I reach into my pocket and grab my... fuck. No wallet. I didn't even think to bring it to the final because I thought I was heading straight back to the dorm to grab a bite. So I plead with my brother to let him cover me, and he begrudgingly does with four bucks to spare.
Cool. We eat, even though my brother and I have nothing to drink. So after we eat he tells me to pick up some milk for him and whatever I want to drink. Taking the money, I walk over to the dairy section and browse for a bit. In my sleep-deprived state, I fail to notice the little quart-sized things of milk, and instead think the only option is a bottle of Darigold "milk" that has chocolate and peanut butter flavoring and ZERO DAIRY.
But of course, I grab two, without reading ANYTHING. I'm like "well it's brown, it must be chocolate milk." Did I mention I'm DEATHLY allergic to peanuts?
I buy them and go back, and my brother's like "what the fuck is this." So I look at it and FAIL TO NOTICE THE PEANUT SHIT and say "it's milk, dude," and of course he's like "whatever," so bottoms up.
I drink the whole thing in one sitting before my brother lightly taps me on the shoulder and points to the peanut warning.
So there I am, waiting for the anaphylactic shock to set in, and grapple with my backpack to pull out my Epi-Pen when I realize it isn't there. I didn't repack it with the rest of my stuff after going on a trip. So now I think it's my final minute on earth.
I start scrambling around and screaming "DOES ANYONE HAVE AN EPI PEN" (getting lots of looks) when my brother taps me again and points at the "artificial flavoring" part of the label. So now I look like a complete idiot.
So we drive off, a very embarrassed me in the passenger's seat (my brother insisted to drive because I might still have a reaction) towards the swim team practice, jamming out to some great djent.
So we get to practice and the FIRST THING my brother does is *tell EVERYONE what happened.* So now I'm the laughing stock of the team.
Alright cool. Great. I'll never be able to live on my own.
**TLDR** massive rats attack NYC and I have a conniption on the sidewalk.
SnooSnooCookie: Didn't you taste the peanut butter?
daBroviest: Not really, since I've never had peanuts or peanut butter before. My brother said he did, but it was really good. I dunno.
SnooSnooCookie: Coincidence, I'm eating peanut butter right now. How did you find out you have an allergy to it if you've never eaten it? Family history, or over cautious parents?
daBroviest: When I was a baby my mom gave me a bit of peanut butter for me to eat. She turned around and when she turned back my lips were full of hives.
About five years ago I got skin-tested, and found I also had allergies to things like feathers, dust, grass, coconut, any tree nut ever, etc.
| 5 | 25.8 | |
1389864588 | 1389876221 | t3_1vcnzd | t5_2to41 | 18 | SHowerSHitShame: Reset the counter...
SnooSnooCookie: But painkillers are just make people really constipated. I've never heard of it the other way round.
IWantAFuckingUsename: It depends, if they were opiate painkillers then yeah, they would have made him constipated.
SnooSnooCookie: There are other types of painkillers?
IWantAFuckingUsename: Yeah, of course. Like look at paracetamol, it's still a painkiller.
SnooSnooCookie: True, I don't know what all of these drugs are technically categorized as. I should probably know since I was taking so fucking many of them. I know Endone is an opiate, but I'm not sure about ones like Panadeine Forte, and the like.
| 6 | 3 | |
1389871333 | 1389901764 | t3_1vcsfw | t5_2to41 | 27 | 42037044: TIFU by swimming in someone else's pool
Okay, so I was at a rather expensive ($3mil +) house, helping out at a photo-shoot to pick up some extra cash over the school holidays. It was a hot ass day, and being a house with such a price tag it did have a saltwater swimming pool. After several hours of hauling heavy furniture and shifting boxes full of junk in the heat I indulged myself a bit. The water was crystal clear so I swam through it, eyes open.
Here is where I fuck up. I swam around for at least half an hour, unbeknownst to the fact that they use some really weird chemical shit on top of the salt to keep it clean. I got out of the water and noticed the sandstone around the pool had a glowing white aura surrounding it. As time passed it seemed like a trippy-ass diffuse filter had gone over my eyes. Everything glowed and was blurry as shit. This happened yesterday, and I couldn't submit this TIFU because I couldn't read what I was typing.
Woke up this morning and I saw straight again.
TL;DR swam in a pool with weird chemicals and my sight got retarded for half a day.
IWantAFuckingUsename: Chlorine.
42037044: Wasn't chlorine, It was some magnesium-based stuff. A friend also uses magnesium.
| 3 | 9 | |
1389883779 | 1389887335 | t3_1vd3rb | t5_2to41 | 33 | boxedblue: TIFU by writing a poem
This is all happening as I write this, but earlier this morning, I wrote a joking poem about one of the English teachers at my school, and posted it on our community news forum. Apparently everyone who saw it found it offensive.....so now I have emails from the dean telling me to meet with her. Well, it's been nice knowing you, I'll keep you updated.
EDIT: I have squared it away with the deans, and I'm not in any major trouble but I feel like shit.
brittoid: What were the details of the poem? I'm curious to know why people were offended by it.
boxedblue: I'd rather not post them, sorry, this has caused enough trouble as is. Trust me on this though, they weren't actually that bad, one referenced the poem "The Wild things" or something, I forget the actual name but it really wasn't that bad, however, without critical context (which I did not provide when I posted the poem) I do see the perspective of the deans on this one.
[deleted]: Ouch.
| 4 | 8.25 | |
1389884018 | 1389911398 | t3_1vd427 | t5_2to41 | 45 | [deleted]: TIFU three times by reading other posts here and thinking "That doesn't seem too bad"
So earlier today I was scrolling through some posts and someone compared getting chili oil on your dick to setting it on fire. I was all like "Ha Pussy I bet that doesn't even hurt that much". You know what's coming. The very next thing I do is go cut up some chilies, and rub them all over my dick and balls, making sure to coat the tip with a generous helping of THE FIRE OF SATAN! I spent the next hour screaming and submerging my dick in a bowl of milk. After about 40 minutes the pain started to subside so I wiped the tears out of my eyes and while doing so GOT MORE OF THE FIRE IN MY EYE. So I start stumbling around the kitchen blind dripping milk all over the ground from my dick (I'm not wearing pants. What. Don't look at me like that.) and I finally reach the sink and start washing my hands (I'm a fucking idiot why didn't I wash my hands earlier?). And then (and this is the worse fuck up of all) my dog jumps up and bites my dick.
TL;DR: Intentionally rubbed chili all over my dick, got chili in my eye, got my dick bitten by my dog.
GravityChanges: I'm not usually *that guy* but did I click on tifu or /r/thatHappened
maxhol99: Haha exactly what I was thinking, this just sounds like a parody of all the (probably) bullshit posts you see on here.
shaggy1265: I would have bought it if he didn't include the dog.
maxhol99: But seriously even without the dog who would think 'I know what's a good idea! I'll put chili on my dick, even though I've heard it's excruciatingly painful!'
shaggy1265: People have done dumber things.
Ormuzd: Very true, sadly with advancements in medicine Darwinism doesn't work the way it use to.
| 7 | 6.428571 | |
1389894665 | 1390080428 | t3_1vdk2m | t5_2to41 | 851 | fileroomtroll: TIFU by flushing the toilet
I am at my friends house smoking hooka and watching sports center, just hanging out on a nice calm wednesday night. After about twenty minutes I feel a rumbling in my body that can only mean one thing, time to get to the bathroom. At this point I was at a cross roads in my mind, do I hold it until I get home or go now? The pressure was too great and I decided it was time to vacate my bowls.
I hurried to the bathroom and noticed a couple pieces of toilet paper floating in the bowl and thought nothing of it, because all that was running through my mind at this point was how bad I had to shit. As I sat down, I instantly started shitting. This was not a normal shit, it was almost to a level of diarrhea. So, as time goes by I am thinking to myself, man this is alot of shit, haha but I sure do feel better now. After a few wipes, I turn around to flush the toilet and this is where my night takes a turn for the worst.
As soon as I flushed the toilet I knew I was fucked. The water level started rising and brown shit water started slowly to overflow onto the bathroom floor. I started to panic and my brain went in to overdrive trying to figure out a solution. First, I picked up the bath mats and threw them into the tub next to me. Then I took a little trashcan next to the toilet and dumped the trash into the sink and proceeded to scoop the shit soup I created into the tub. It wasnt until my third scoop, because of the panic I was in, that I realized there was a hole in the trashcan and half of the filth water was not getting into the tub but all over the floor only making the situation worse and causing me to stress out more.
A plunger! I am saved. So I start plunging the toilet vigoursly for a couple minutes when I realize this isnt working. At this point I am standing in my own shit plunging a toilet full of brown shit water. A couple minutes turns into ten minutes and at this point my friend hears sloshing water coming from the bathroom. "what the fuck are you doing in there" he yells. I yell back dont come in here, which only makes him run to the bathroom open the door. His face is frozen in fear and shock. He starts laughing and says how the fuck do you do that?
Ended up having to go to wal mart and buying a mop, bucket, bleach, a snake, and paper towels. Took over an hour to clean up. The culprit behind this nightmare ended up being a couple of paper towels some genius had flushed down the toilet.
tl;dr I took a shit at a fiends house and all hell broke loose.
Saggy-testicle: Don't your toilets only release a certain amount of water per flush to prevent this?
notgayinathreeway: Seriously, I've never met a toilet that didn't do that. There is a reservoir in the back, and it is full of enough water to fill half of the bowl. Before the bowl is flushed, it is half filled with water.
If you flush it once AND ONLY ONCE, then the water from the reservoir in the back enters the bowl, and then either goes down the drain, or backs up just to the point of the bowl being full but not getting in the floor.
Only the high pressure commercial ones that lack a reservoir on the back are different, and even then you'd have to flush it like half a dozen times to get it to overflow.
fileroomtroll: I think the water level was a little higher then normal before shit hit the fan. So the normal amount of water from the tank entering the bowl put just enough water in the bowl to overflow. The amount that overflowed was about a liter if I had to estimate it. But it was enough to cover the bathroom floor haha.
Styrak: Yeah I kinda call bullshit on this.
[deleted]: Exact situation happened to me as well. I think it's a problem with older toilets.
BallsDeepInJesus: Older toilets or toilets that were clogged on the previous flush and did not drain properly.
[deleted]: I'm not sure if I am offended by your username ):
BallsDeepInJesus: You know what? Suck my Jesus' shit covered dick.
| 9 | 94.555556 | |
1389893236 | 1389904027 | t3_1vdhtf | t5_2to41 | 5 | thepottsy: TIFU Almost had the worst lunch ever
I guess this would really be a "Today I Almost Fucked Up", but this seemed the most appropriate sub to share it. My girlfriend will sometimes pack my lunch for me to take to work. For today, she packed me some soup, a ham and cheese sandwich, some wheat thins, and an orange. Usually, she doesn't put mayo on my sandwiches. Instead, she puts the mayo in a small tupperware so the sandwich doesn't get soggy (that's her reasoning, it really doesn't bother me). So, I go to start making my sandwich, open up the mayo container, stick my knife in it and I'm just about to spread it on my sandwich. Then I realized, that's not mayo, that's hummus. I almost ate a ham and swiss sandwich, with hummus. I feel a little queasy just thinking about it. Anyway, hope my almost fuck up is entertaining for someone.
id10t_pen15: Don't knock it til you try it! Its good!
thepottsy: Haha, I'll pass. The thought of ham, cheese, and hummus combined seems awful to me.
id10t_pen15: I said the same about anal. Until....jk. Different strokes for different folks.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1389885191 | 1390002232 | t3_1vd5lz | t5_2to41 | 94 | bacon_flavored: TIFU by thinking it couldn't get any worse...
Backround: I suffer from chronic back pain due to desiccated L4 and L5 causing pinched nerves. I have no history of migraines or headaches, but have had a migraine since Christmas. The many pills I've had to take for both the back pain and migraine have left me constipated so my stomach has felt pretty bad lately. I also have a newborn and have not slept well for the last 3 months.
I'm standing in the shower having just finished washing and am in the process of drying off. I'm thinking about how much it sucks that my head hurts, my back hurts, my stomach hurts, I'm exhausted... How much worse could it get? That is the moment where I karate chop my right testicle full force while reaching down to dry my leg.
^^^It ^^^still ^^^hurts...
milofelix: You poor poor dude.......
It's always darkest before the dawn. Or whatever that movie said that was inspirational. Good luck dude. Babies finally start sleeping about 6 months or so.
bacon_flavored: Many thanks for your sympathy! I will survive, whatever the case. Although, I may have damaged some of my daughter's potential siblings.
ProblemPie: Judo **CHOP**!
| 4 | 23.5 | |
1389901395 | 1389902083 | t3_1vdv3y | t5_2to41 | 18 | unabashedtortureporn: TIFU by discovering that my very recent ex girlfriend is pregnant.
And refuses to have anything to do with me, despite my promise (and I really do mean it) to support her and the child in any way that she sees fit. I do not want to be a deadbeat dad and make her raise another child on her own, but she's not giving me any choice.
Fuck.
ii_misfit_o: who says its even yours?
unabashedtortureporn: I've considered that and it does give me a little comfort, but I'm worried about bringing that to her because if I'm wrong I mangled things twice.
ii_misfit_o: shit happens??
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1389883572 | 1389903517 | t3_1vd3i0 | t5_2to41 | 61 | Lunapsyche: TIFU By Loudly announcing Baby Jesus Buttplugs exist.
Technically this was about a month or so ago. I was at a partner's house hanging out with a friend of ours, S, while my partner, E, was getting help from his dad removing his old tv and replacing it with a shiny new one. This was after it had gotten moved and E and his dad were having a long conversation, and I was talking to S about the book I was lending her: [The Handsome Squirm](http://carltonmellick.com/2012/04/18/out-now-the-handsome-squirm/) by Carlton Mellick the III, also writer of the infamous [Haunted Vagina](http://www.amazon.com/The-Haunted-Vagina-Carlton-Mellick/dp/097624988X) and other such 'Bizarro Horror' (the stated genre) stories. She flipped to the back of Handsome Squirm and was looking at all the other titles, even quietly saying some, only I was capable of hearing her.
She came across the priorly mentioned title [The Baby Jesus Butt Plug](http://www.amazon.com/Baby-Jesus-Butt-Plug/dp/0972959823%3FSubscriptionId%3D1QZMGW0RRJC2PX87HDR2%26tag%3Dsalranexp-20%26linkCode%3Dxm2%26camp%3D2025%26creative%3D165953%26creativeASIN%3D0972959823), which of course, I then had to loudly announce to everyone in earshot, [that Baby Jesus Butt plugs actually exist](http://divine-interventions.com/religioustoys.php#jesus) (third down). The icing on the cake is that I'd totally spaced on the fact that his father is a self-pronounced upright christian man. Even better is the fact that I'd behaved very well on a family camping trip with E's mother's side of the family without acting up, so he'd warned S, but hadn't expected to tell me to watch my mouth.
Thus, I am now infamous within my social group. Did I mention that was the first time I even met his dad? Yep.
soyabstemio: his father is a self-pronounced upright christian man
The he probably already owns a Baby Jesus Buttplug.
Lunapsyche: That'd make things less silly, buuut I got majorly glared at. It probably slipped my mind because his father looks almost exactly like Ron Jeremy, ex-pornstar.
| 3 | 20.333333 | |
1389902042 | 1390789500 | t3_1vdw8o | t5_2to41 | 117 | [deleted]: TIFU by looking at another redditors post history
So I was on a NSFW sub recently. And I *love* the comment section of these subs. So I'm reading and one of the comments was like "you just recently said you were 16, now you're 18?"
So, I click the users profile and yep, they had a post claiming to be a 16 year old girl who wanted someone to kik and snapchat with.
I, being almost 30, married, and a father, did not feel inclined to message this person. Didn't even comment in the original thread. I just closed the page and went on with my day.
Well, according to my wife, I've been really "quiet" and "distant" lately. She gets mad that I go straight to the gym after work and sometimes come home late. So I *must* be having an affair.
She take my iPhone when I'm not looking and starts snooping. She does that sometimes, I have nothing to hide, I don't protest. Well she freaks the fuck out.
"Why are you talking to a 16 year old online?"
I explained the situation to her, which did not help. At all.
So now she thinks I'm a pedophile with secret online accounts that tries to talk to little girls.
poohspiglet: Jesus, it also could be hormones. Hormones can make a person do crazy things in the relationship department. Now I'm not saying to just blow off her snoopfest into your phone, but on some days PMS can drive a woman to do some crazy shit. Source: am a woman.
I'd advise to let the dust settle and then maybe pick up the subject in a few days. In the meantime, let her snoop your phone all she wants, if you really have nothing to hide. She should see that if you are the worst thing she's thinking you are, then you wouldn't let her snoop.
spacepuppy69: Now, that is NOT fair.
Asking a bitchy woman if she's on her period is one of the most insulting things a man can do. Then he gets lectured, yelled at screamed at whathaveyou, for asking what he thinks is a legit question. Men have the same dips and rises in hormones, but we aren't allowed to claim that as an excuse for being a dick.
Also, I realize how dickish this sounds. I'm not trying to be, I just *hate* when someone says "She was on her period, it's okay" (not that you *did* say that).
poohspiglet: > Men have the same dips and rises in hormones, but we aren't allowed to claim that as an excuse for being a dick.
Are you freakin' kidding me? Do you gain and lose up to 5-10 pounds in a week? How's your skin looking? Do your boobs feel like bruised bowling balls? Got a headache? Crampy? Bloating? But still want to chow down on a chocolate bar and chips? And it's not the period days only that wreak the worst emotional havoc, it's the PMS days before. What my point was that hormones do in fact cause all kinds of problems and symptoms physically and mentally for SOME women. It is a real possibility that nobody else brought up to OP, and thought I would share that consideration with him as it seemed to be mostly male responses (as usual) in that post. Grow up. Hate it or not, it's a fact of life that women are hormonal and can become emotionally unbalanced as a result. Better to recognize that fact and deal with it via medication, diet, whatever, than to ignore that possibility. Men have nowhere near the hormonal difficulties or fluctuations like women do with each cycle and across their lifetime.
| 4 | 29.25 | |
1389906349 | 1389907162 | t3_1ve3k5 | t5_2to41 | 15 | dawsonm69: Tifu by eating cereal
So last night my stomach was sore and I just thought it was from hockey practice and would be better in the morning. I wake up this morning still not feeling good but fuck it I will live. So first period at school I'm really not feeling good and decide I will call home. Skip to about 4:30 still not better so I figure having something to eat will help boy was I wrong. I ate two Jethro sized bowls of frosted flakes (for the record I usually eat one but I thought I was hungry) not five minutes after the second bowl and I'm on the shitter writing this with hot diarrhea spewing out of my asshole. FUCK YOU TONY THE TIGER!
ii_misfit_o: it's not physically possible for your body to process the flakes that quick, maybe the milk, but not the flakes
dawsonm69: That explains why my mom always told me not to drink milk when I'm sick
| 3 | 5 | |
1389906740 | 1390002746 | t3_1ve48m | t5_2to41 | 17 | shitty-vagina: TIFU by taking my iron tablets
So quick backstory: Last year I went to the doctor to find out I'm ever so slightly anemic, and have to take these iron tablets, which I took for a few days then stopped as my body didn't agree at all (the shits, to be so crude).
So, new year, I thought I'd try to get healthy; eat better, gym more, get iron levels up... That was a mistake. I took one, mild-strength tablet. ONE. Two days ago. Fast-forward to today, lazing in bed, procrastinating from revision, and stumble upon some porn. I decide to reward myself by flicking the bean. I bring out my good ol' friend Mr. Bullet, and get to work. After about 5 minutes, I can feel myself getting wet and ready, bring out my bullet to stop myself from cumming (I'd found a good video and didn't want the fun to be over yet) and to my distress and disgust, its got shit on it. Oh shit. Shit shit ew shit. I had somehow managed to shit myself during the day, not realised, and then masturbated in it. That thong went in the bin, with the remaining tablets.
alpineliam: I'm no expert but I think if you get better iron tablets then they don't make you shit yourself. That's what I was told by a doctor friend anyway.
shitty-vagina: I have two types, due to the first lot not going down well, but same result. Just gonna stay with eating greens from now on.
ProblemPie: Yeah, spinach is probably the way to go. I'd suggest getting a **PULVERIZER** (y'know, basically just a blender for thick fruit/veggies, but damn if it doesn't have an intimidating name) and blending it with some fruits 'n' junk for optimal health and less shitty spinach taste.
Unless you're some *friggin' weirdo* and actually like roughage.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1389913375 | 1390051148 | t3_1vefhr | t5_2to41 | 58 | Mandotar: TIFU by making a suggestive gesture during class
I just walked into class when my teacher noticed that my pants were the same color as his. He made a comment about how the only difference between our pants was that his pockets were on the seam and mine were horizontal. (This is the embarrassing part) I then said, "You know, I think I like inseam pockets because you can present yourself easier," and I proceeded to gyrate my hips with my hands in my pockets. He told me to stop and I sat down dejected and embarrassed. Today I said hi to him and he gave me a weird look.
Edit: This is kind of what I was doing with my hands in my pockets...
http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mb14qpP5Q91ra6qx1o1_500.gif
checktesta: Smooth moves there, Spongebob! Are you a guy or a girl?
Mandotar: A man who is usually dignified and mature, though not in this case.
| 3 | 19.333333 | |
1389918776 | 1390240830 | t3_1veo0t | t5_2to41 | 336 | tortillaandcheese: TIFU by leaving my account up on my boyfriend's computer
And now I'm considering posting a bunch of shit everywhere. Just so much shit.
This is going to be fun.
**Edit: Welp, hey guys. Aforementioned girlfriend speaking. You are true visionaries.**
SirSilentBob: That awkward moment when you look at her post history and see that she's posted to /r/gonewild or something that you'd consider much worse...
the_no_name_man: Worse would be seeing a message in her inbox asking "Have you broke up with that asshole yet?"
FaKeShAdOw: As somebody who's gotten at least 6 of that very message last year alone, I'd say don't jump to conclusions.
They were from disrespectful idiots anyway.
ProblemPie: Have you broken up with that asshole yet, though?
FaKeShAdOw: nope.avi
ProblemPie: fairenough.png
ChemicalTuberTV: Hellno.tiff
| 8 | 42 | |
1389918591 | 1389973410 | t3_1venqa | t5_2to41 | 50 | MalcolmPecs: TIFU by letting my daughter play with my iphone
Tuesday I Fucked Up while trying to potty-train my daughter (almost 2 years old). She's sittin' on tha toilet not peeing or pooping, and I'm trying to patiently sit next to her, waiting. I pull out my phone to check my mail or something, and she immediately wants to play with it! She's played with it before, no problem, right?
Well, she dropped it inbetween her legs, plop, right into the toilet. Luckily she hadn't pooped or peed yet, but my phone was soaked and two days later it's still busted.
Mrsmokealotaherb: Put it in a bag of rice it should work in a few days
MalcolmPecs: I already did that for two and a half days
Mrsmokealotaherb: Leave it in there longer, I jumped in the pool with my iPhone and put it in the rice with no hope 5 days later it worked
deviantelf: I agree longer, five days is good, a week is best. Also vacuum it for 10-15 minutes at a time several times a day. With the hose attachment, around the edges/openings/keys, it helps pull the moisture off components and to the edges.
I know it all sounds silly, but it's worked for me once (and mine was in soapy dishwater) and for two friends (one pool, one unused toilet) who called in a panic cause I'm their tech guru (hardly a guru but know more than them).
Too late now but in the future or for anyone else, take out the battery (if you can, otherwise turn it off) while it's still underwater. Then resist the urge to turn it on for a week while you do the above (with the rice)... this is the worst part!
Edit: an "a" tried to escape.
Kaboomtastic46: Do not use a vacuum vacuums can cause a lot of static and ruin static sensitive components such as ram. Source: build my own computers
deviantelf: Can't say I've ever vacuumed a computer or considered it. But for a wet phone, it seems like wet dust wouldn't create static... but I'm no expert!
Kaboomtastic46: It may not buy I wouldn't risk it
| 8 | 6.25 | |
1389924801 | 1390007130 | t3_1vex8m | t5_2to41 | 32 | silenceisviolence: TIFU by wanting to get myself off, NSFW.
So, I woke up from an incredibly great sexual dream this afternoon and I couldn't shake the horniness I felt. Now, I hardly ever masturbate. I think the last time I tried was six months ago. My roommate left the house about an hour later and I thought it would be prime time to take care of my urge. I found some porn, pulled out my lube and my dildo and started to get to work. Now here's where I fucked up: I didn't realize my new bottle of lube was a bit different than my old bottle.
So, about five minutes into my session, I start to feel a slight discomfort. I didn't think much of it at the time and just thought maybe I needed to slow down. (I was going kind of rough because I just really wanted to get off) After two more minutes I was almost crying in pain. I felt such a bad burning sensation I had to run to the shower and soak myself in hot water for a good half hour. I'm currently sitting with an ice pack on my lady bits thanks to my sexual urges. I hate my life right now.
truthcanbequestioned: That was seriously funny! Hubby in his teens once used icy hot, he does not recommend it.
Also I do recommend KY Silk, amazing stuff.
ProblemPie: No NO NO *NO NO NO* **not icy hot**.
Also, Axe. I was never stupid enough to do this, but I've heard horror stories from friends about trying to use Axe to freshen up the ol' family jewels (pretty sure a good shower should take care of this, but whatever) and subsequently considering going to a burn ward over flaming crotch.
truthcanbequestioned: Ice is their best friend in that situation.
| 4 | 8 | |
1389925175 | 1389928509 | t3_1vextx | t5_2to41 | 17 | kidcanada3514: TIFU by listening to pear pressure
tifu so i have/had long hair and everyone i know tells me i need a haircut. I admit i did kind of need a haircut. so i went to the hair place down the street i said i wanted a bit of length taken of the top but mostly the side cleaned up. nope showed up for school and the same people who had said i needed a haircut the day before said "meh looked better long"
so anyone with long hair dont listen to anyone keep your hair until you are older and actually want to get a haircut dont do it without thinking
CommieCookie: pear pressure, heh
tweedc4: That's why I clicked...disappointed that fruit was not involved :(
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1389919440 | 1389930067 | t3_1vep1c | t5_2to41 | 31 | mercedesrayne: TIFU by cooking dinner.
So I am almost done cooking some potatoes and broccoli. Chicken is in the oven and almost done. Ahhh yisss.
There is a drawer on the bottom of the oven, and usually we store metal pans etc. down there. In a moment of pure genius I decide to put a plastic cutting board down with the metal stuff. Fast forward 10 minutes and our fire alarms go off. I come in the kitchen to see my boyfriend and his friend screaming and running around in a panic. There are flames coming through the stove through the burners and flames shooting up from the bottom drawer, the cutting board is all melted, and obviously on fire. Luckily our friend found some baking soda and put a stop to the hellfire quickly before we burned the entire apartment down. Needless to say, all the food was ruined. Hello McDonald's!
tweedc4: Was it actually a broiler, and not a storage drawer? I've made that mistake before...
KristyConfused: Even if it wasn't, many of those drawers aren't insulated enough to keep plastic from burning.
| 3 | 10.333333 | |
1389932545 | 1390195439 | t3_1vf8hz | t5_2to41 | 92 | JunkyGS: TIFU By showing my Mom /r/gonewild
My mom enters my room to talk to me, while i was browsing the all page on reddit, she tells me to turn around and talk to her and as I do my mouse scrolls over a gone wild link and I have an extension on google chrome that opens up pictures without having to click the link, so I turn around and I here "what the fuck are you looking at" then I turn around and see what has happened and i was like "uhm nothing its an ad", then she says nothing and leaves the room. No way in hell does she believe me.
TLDR: Fuck Chrome Extensions
FlyingSquidOlives: Should have just said "wtf is this" and look confused.
JunkyGS: Honestly I was so caught off guard that I didn't have to fake the confusion LOL
FlyingSquidOlives: One time I actually *was* confused by a dirty ad. It was for pr0n and I was 6. Mom said that it was a homeless charity
yeahcapes: I'm not sure why but I read this as, "one time I actually was a dirty ad..."
FlyingSquidOlives: But at age 6 though. ಠ_ಠ ew wut
CreepySmileBot: ಠ◡ಠ
CreepierSmileBot: (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
| 8 | 11.5 | |
1389941573 | 1390002968 | t3_1vfj9u | t5_2to41 | 566 | takatori: TIFU by telling my office assistant "I love you."
In my company we have a dedicated office assistant (secretary) for each departmental group of about 10-12 people.
Ours is a very nice, reasonably attractive single woman about six years younger than I. Though I didn't think much of it at the time, last month at our year-end party she had a little too much to drink and spent about 20 minutes hanging on me and telling me how I was such a great guy and why couldn't she find a great guy of her own. Then she tried to suggest we should "get out of here" and go have a drink elsewhere. Also, when we go as a group for lunch, she almost always manages to sit next to me.
I'm working at another office today, and got a call from her on my personal cell phone, asking my availability for next week. We worked out the schedule and when the call was over, I had a horrible brain fart.
Maybe it was because I was on my personal phone instead of in the office, and usually the only women I talk to on my personal phone are girlfriends, but either way what I said when we were done was,
"OK, thanks. Love you, bye!"
She paused for half a second and said, "Eh?!"
That's when I realized what I'd said. The line was silent for a few seconds. Before I could say "oh no! Sorry!" or anything to excuse it, she whispered,
"Me too. See you back here tomorrow."
<click>
Accidentally saying it, I could explain away and just be a little embarrassed.
But now? Now, I have a problem.
---
But even if she does like me, there's no way she thinks I'm professing my love over the phone out of the blue like that, right? Right!?
---
**Edit:** Rather than letting the weirdness fester over the weekend until Monday, I called her back before EOD and fessed up to having said it accidentally an having been too embarrassed and shocked to respond.
She basically said "Oh yeah, that's what I thought. Don't worry about it."
It's still going to be awkward but not by as much, I think.
/u/cptbionic had even better advice that I didn't see in time: 'be able to laugh at yourself over it', so if it's still weird Monday I'll fall back on that.
cptbionic: This is definitely a situation where coming forward with a mortified sense of humour will save you. You have to realise that this person will probably be taking their cues from you in your coming interactions and will be unsure of where things stand.
Launching in with a, "Well that was fucked, wasn't it?" (or whatever) will hopefully save the awkwardness for both parties, while still setting a firm boundary. Throw in that you were tired and that she saves you from shit/yourself all the time like your mom used to and you pretty much have a failsafe escape (In my experience, most romantic interests don't want to be equated to mum).
In the alternate, be honest about how things are... There's no sense dragging the woman's heart across the floor to save yourself a minor bit of embarrassment.
It'll all be alright lov-
...whatever.
takatori: Exactly this.
Rather than wait until Monday I called her back & fessed up to being an awkward penguin. "Yeah, I thought it must have been something like that," was her response.
Still embarrassing, but it's usually better to get it over with rather than letting it fester.
melez: Bet you tomorrow she posts a successkid/badluckbrian reading:
> Successkid: Hot coworker I've been crushing on told me he loved me
> Badluckbrian: Calls back an hour later, takes it back.
But really she might have died a little inside when you called back.
takatori: > might have died a little inside
Exactly. That's what makes this more than just a harmless slip of the tongue.
I feel bad...
notgayinathreeway: It's probably obvious that she has feelings for you if even you are picking up on it. Whether she wants to act on it, I can't say. I doubt she does since she's been passive about it, but I gotta say, while calling her back definitely shut her down before things got out of hand, you most definitely shut her down, and that's gotta hurt a lot.
Even if you said this on accident, she didn't. She was definitely sincere, even if her sincerity didn't mean what you are putting it to mean. This person loves you, in whatever context, enough to admit it, and when she finally gets to express those feelings, whatever they may be, she did so only after you said something, and then when you took back what you said, I bet that hurt. A lot.
This person obviously cares for you, and I feel like you really do need to let her know that you do care for her too, which I can only assume you do since she's been around you enough to latch onto you emotionally, and develop feelings for you.
Even if they aren't in any context sexual feelings, they are still there, and I think it might be in your best interests to further explain this to her. Tell her that yes, you did say it on accident, but only because you were so comfortable talking to her that it just slipped out, and that it does not in any way degrade the way you feel about her, which is that she is a great person and a wonderful friend and that you do love her and what she brings to the workplace. Tell her you called her back and explained it because you were nervous you gave off the wrong impression, but you didn't mean to insinuate that you don't love her by calling back, that you just wanted to clear up any confusion about your intent with stating it, and that you truly feel that she is an awesome person and you sincerely enjoy her company, and you want to make sure that she knows that, because you feel bad about how harsh you were when you called her back.
Let her know directly that while you did not mean to give the wrong impression by saying it, you also don't want to give the wrong impression by taking back what you said, because you do appreciate her and enjoy being around her.
EDIT: and if you are her boss, buy her some flowers, but not the sexy kind, just a small little friendly arrangement or desk plant that says "I do care about you, even if I did take back what I said"
delrio_gw: I can't help but feel this would just make it overly complicated. It would also set her mind racing about what he really meant.
also... BY accident.
notgayinathreeway: http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/on-accident-versus-by-accident?page=1
delrio_gw: I object. I'm under 35 and don't use this abomination.
I think its prevalence is mostly in the US. It's certainly not something I ever hear in the UK. To my ears it sounds like a child who hasn't quite worked out which words go together yet. But thanks for the article, it was interesting reading.
| 9 | 62.888889 | |
1389939149 | 1390165292 | t3_1vfgsk | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU: Getting a midnight hand job
Okay it wasn't today. It was New years eve. it only occurred to me to post this a few seconds ago.
Long story short, me and my SO spend new years eve together up in my room. We were cuddling and watchinf movies and making out and such. The typical teenager shit. Well, I got her to take her top off. One thing led TI another and I was then getting a handjob. But the thing was that she started it at around 11:50pm. We didnt keep track of time. A few minutes later and I hear my mom calling for us from downstairs to watch the ball drop together. I told her to go faster and jesus christ it was fast. Now, here is were everything goes downhill. I was leaning back in bed, and my dick was facing. Can you guess what happened? Sploog. All over my chest. I even fapped earlier to reduce my seamen but I guess it didnt matter. Anyways, some got in my mouth. Yup. And barely any got on her shirt HOWEVER we made it downstairs in time and no one suspected anything because she his the stain.
TL;DR seamen tastes salty.
slothscantswim: Semen*
Seamen are sailors.
trav1th3rabb1: I am not a smart man.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1389933482 | 1389994358 | t3_1vf9tu | t5_2to41 | 199 | gh0stfl0wers: TIFU by having skype sex with my door open
Oh my god... literally just happened...
Quick backstory: I am female and just got a new roommate (male) after my old roommate had to move out for financial reasons. Our bedroom doors are right next to each other and he has to walk by my room to get to the kitchen. I have a cat and because the apartment is small the litter box is in my room and her food is in the kitchen. I pretty much always have my door cracked so she can go in and out.
So I have a long distance boyfriend and we skype a lot and also often masturbate together on skype. He was just pulling an allnighter for an exam (there's a time difference so it's 5:30am where he is right now) and messaged me that he wanted a quick study break and if I could tease him a bit over skype. No problem, I'm down! Usually I close the door for this, obviously, but I was pretty sure my roommate was asleep and his door is pretty loud when it opens so I would have easily been able to cover up on time if he had to go to the kitchen or something.
So we get on skype and I'm just teasing my boyfriend a bit, playing around with myself, when suddenly I see that the kitchen light had turned on. It was not on before. The way my room is laid out, my bed is pretty much the first thing you see when you walk by if the door is cracked. So yeah, it's pretty much guaranteed that he saw me. I froze instantly, turned off the light and just sat there. Fuck. Meanwhile my boyfriend on the other end is like "gh0stfl0wers? gh0stfl0wers? What's wrong? Why did you stop?" and I'm just frozen. Fuck. The kitchen light turns off and I hear him walk back to his room. Oh my god. I'm still frozen. I just faked a bad Skype connection and hung up. God this is awkward. I feel so embarrassed. I did not hear him open his door at all, who knows, he could have been standing outside my door the whole time. I feel so fucking stupid....
TL;DR: Didn't close my door when skyping with boyfriend, roommate walks by and I didn't hear him.
Anomalyzero: Yeah, you shouldn't worry. This really doesn't matter.
gh0stfl0wers: Of course it doesn't matter for the long run. But in the meantime I feel super embarrassed and humiliated.
Anomalyzero: Everybody sexes. You shouldn't feel humiliated and embarrassed for sexing
gh0stfl0wers: Most people do it in private though...
Anomalyzero: You were in your room, so the only thing you could be faulted for is not closing your door. Which is a small offense all things considered. When you you room with someone this kinda thing should be expected. Living in close quarters with someone is bound to result in some of these situations eventually.
On a separate but somewhat related note, would you consider yourself a feminist at all?
gh0stfl0wers: I absolutely consider myself a feminist. I'm not embarrassed about the fact that he now knows that I masturbate on Skype for my boyfriend, but rather about the fact that he saw me doing it. So it's not like "oh no, he's going to think I'm a slut now!", but more like "oh no, he saw me doing something very intimate that I don't really want anyone other than my boyfriend to see."
I already feel much better about it, it happened, I can't change it, let's move on and just be a little more careful next time. But last night I felt sick with embarrassment.
Anomalyzero: I can understand the privacy bit. As an egalitarian my question to you as a feminist would be why should you feel any kind of shame for something that is natural and perfectly feminine?
Cyc68: I don't understand this reasoning. Shitting and farting are as perfectly natural and blameless as masturbating but I don't want to be witnessed doing any of them.
gh0stfl0wers: Exactly
Anomalyzero: If you consider sex to be like shitting, you're hopeless.
gh0stfl0wers: No one said sex is like shitting, it's just a good analogy: nothing to be ashamed of but something most people prefer to do in private.
You don't have to have exhibitionist tendencies to be sex positive.
Anomalyzero: It's really not a good analogy, the two are far too different.
And I said nothing about exhibitionism. I said that it's not a big deal and you shouldn't worry about it.
| 13 | 15.307692 | |
1389948429 | 1389974889 | t3_1vfokh | t5_2to41 | -7 | earthtopj: TIFU by hanging up on a pissed off doctor
I'm a male nurse and I have a patient I've never met before because she was first, new to me, second, she was never in her room to introduce myself because she was in an appointment.
Story is this patient didn't come back to our facility and we were worried because its been 5 hrs since she left. No call backs from the family and other parties. Had to call the doctor and boy was he mad. Yelling through the phone he kept saying "how ridiculous this is. Why we sent an infected patient. I dont handle these things in my office. I sent her out to the ER. Do your job. Blah blah blah. (I was holding the phone away from my ear with a wtf smirk, I got bronchitis ain't nobody got time for this mentality) I put the phone back to my ear and said "Ok Thanks." and hung up.
Lol oops. I should probably turn off my phone tomorrow.
Soccadude123: Cool story bro
SidiusMaximus89: OMG...haha
| 3 | -2.333333 | |
1389979684 | 1389980802 | t3_1vgjqg | t5_2to41 | 2 | FartShit: tifu by faling a speling test
NMShoe: I can tell...
FartShit: u got a fucking problem w/ me M8?
NMShoe: What? No. It was just painful to read.
FartShit: ur face is gonna be painful wen i smash it in
NMShoe: The pen is mightier than the sword. You just can't use it right.
| 6 | 0.333333 | |
1389985862 | 1390023814 | t3_1vgtkc | t5_2to41 | 47 | Unclejesster: TIFU by seeing traps on a customer's phone.
I work in industrial sales and customers regularly bring in pictures of parts and assemblies on their phone. Usually they just bring up a picture and explain what exactly they are looking for. Sometimes they hand the phone over so I can get a better look.
About an hour ago a customer and his co-worker come in to our counter and explain they need a part. Two government workers obviously a lead and a helper. Lead starts telling me when the helper pulls out his phone and brings up a picture. Looks pretty simple, good pictures of the label all I need to know is what is the operating voltage? They are not sure. Helper hands over his phone. This picture doesn't show much beyond the label. So I swipe to go to the next picture and hopefully I can get a look at the wiring to determine...
a video of Bailey Jay.
Whoops swipe back fast, do not fuck up and press play. Swipe and pretend I didn't see that. Look at another picture or two the other direction on the roll of the part they are looking for and hand the phone back to the helper. Be polite and send them on their way with what was hopefully the correct part and hopefully without letting on I saw that.
Be careful with a customer's phone, you may not want to know.
lordkevin89: TIL who Bailey Jay is, and that she has a big dick...
doctor_why: I learned that she is the chick from the teethbrushing gif. Always wondered if she had a name.
Unclejesster: I googled teethbrushing gif and every possible permutation of that idea and did not come up with her at all. My google-foo must be lacking. I really only knew who she is from 4Chan. Like Sarina, the picture of her on the edge of the pool, always come up when pretty "girls" are a topic on /b.
doctor_why: The gif pops up on /r/WTF and /r/5050 every few days.
| 5 | 9.4 | |
1389991736 | 1390144896 | t3_1vh2py | t5_2to41 | 124 | tobiss: TIFU by forgetting to close out the porn on my IPad
I restored my IPad this morning, so when it was done i was feeling horny. However, Crome had not finished downloading yet, so I used the private mode in Safari. I totally forget about this by the time school starts. So third block comes around, and my friend asks to use the IPad, and without thinking I give it to him. He presses Safari, and up come xvideos, and pornhub... Now my reputation as a innocent, unassuming guy has gone down the drain...
TL;DR: didn't remember to close out porn, and now the struggle is real
cookiemonster87: your first sentence is.... strangely worded.
tobiss: Sorry, my teacher always told me to watch where my commas were placed
throws_goats: Not the comma, the "so". makes it sound like restoring ipads turns you on.
trekstar: Aaand **you** *don't* get turned on by restoring iPads?
robotortoise: Yeah, wtf is /u/throws_goats talking about? IPad restoring makes me, as like most people, rock HARD.
Lakonthegreat: Like FUCKING TITANIUM
| 7 | 17.714286 | |
1389994490 | 1390057431 | t3_1vh733 | t5_2to41 | 534 | Sultice: TIFU by playing poker (piss story)
This happened about about 4 years ago, so not exactly a recent fuck up, but figured I'd share/tell someone...
4 years ago I was playing a lot of online poker, doing ok with it all in all. I used to play some reasonably expensive tournaments, like 50-200$ buy-ins. Because of the big buy-ins, I never wanted to miss a hand in case I got a big pair. Anyway, sometimes it wasn't an option to wait for the breaks to take a piss, so I'd relieve myself in a big plastic soda bottle. Usually I'd empty the bottle when I stopped playing, but sometimes I'd forget... this fuck up is about one of those times I forgot.
My girlfriend and her 4 year old kid would sometimes come over and spend the night, we have since moved in together. One day the 3 of us had been out and we decided to crash at my place. The gf needed to use the bathroom and I was busy doing something when I heard a tiny voice say "This taste bad". I froze. I immidiately knew what had happened, so I turned around and saw the kid standing there with the bottle, with a look on his face like he had just taken a bite of a lemon. I ran over and took the bottle, ran to the kitchen sink and poured it out, just as I heard the girlfriend turn on the water to wash her hands (in the bathroom). The kid said "it is not good" with the same face as before - and shit he was right, the stench of sour,old piss was horrible. I quickly found a real soda and handed it to the kid, just as the gf came in asking what was up. I told her everything was fine and that the kid drank some old juice, but he had a soda now.
This is the first time I ever mention it. I kept an eye on the kid all through the night, made sure he didn't get sick or anything, but daaaaamn, I stopped pissing in bottles after that, stopped playing poker too.
voscility: tournaments usually have breaks...
shellfishlover: Synchronized breaks wasn't really a thing 4 years ago.
voscility: You fold, and in a table of 8 other fucking people, he cant get up and pee? I think it's just laziness.
shellfishlover: Lots of people play way more than 1 table, so that's not an option when you're 20 tabling or something.
| 5 | 106.8 | |
1390065266 | 1390106621 | t3_1vj5s6 | t5_2to41 | 843 | unicorninabottle: TIFU by hitting a baby with an iPhone
I was at a birthday party of a friend of mine and the family was there too. Next to me, on someone's lap was a baby of 1 and a half month old. It had been eyeing me for the entire 30 minutes I was sat next to him as I was a 'new, unknown' person to him.
So I was showing a picture on a phone to some of the people at the party opposite to me. As I went to get it back, I retracted my hand too fast, hitting said baby in the head with my phone and nails. I was reminded why I hate the sound of crying babies all over again.
TL;DR: This is why I can't have kids.
Locketship: Did you crack your screen?
unicorninabottle: Not my phone, luckily, but no it didn't. Phones are stronger than baby skulls.
courtoftheair: Did you crack the baby's skull?
unicorninabottle: He only had a big red bump on his head just above his left eyebrow. I was really lucky I didn't hit him on top of the head.
courtoftheair: My sister has a pierced lip and wears a spiky end. She kissed our friends baby. Did not end well.
Yeah, hitting the soft spot would not have won you any favours.
5n1p3rhaa: She stabbed him?!
courtoftheair: She stabbed her a tiny bit in the face. Baby was mildly upset, sister was heartbroken and cried for nearly ten minutes.
ilikeeatingbrains: "He's leaking!"
Sedobear: Oh..Amberlamps =)
| 10 | 84.3 |
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