start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1390091585 | 1390182183 | t3_1vk5wl | t5_2to41 | 2 | handsomebutinsane: TIFU by shitting in my favorite pair of pants.
This story is a couple years old now but I remember it like it was last night--one summer, my buddy and I were living on his grandparents' property, which was an apple orchard we both worked on.
One night we got drunk and I woke up in a state of badly failing plight. The whole bit, puked immediately and repeatedly and unexpectedly and so in different places, unable to move/speak coherently, ass on fire, head flattened, etc. I was sitting in front of a laptop doing something when a small and unheralded fart feebly escaped my ass. Instantly my leg was soaked with greasy stool seepage. The shame and dismay I felt were immediate and tremendous. I gathered myself up and crab crawled, so like on all fours but upside down, with my ass hanging toward the ground, toward the nearest door.
Once outside (we lived rurally), I stripped off my pants, threw them aside as far as I could and took a breath of fresh air. Aah! Then I looked up. I was standing in the front yard of our house, with traffic whizzing merrily past both ways. I had been wearing only the pair of pants (which actually were my favorite pants), and so was now standing completely nude with orange runny shit all over my legs in broad daylight in public on a weekday.
I gathered up my pants and that was it--until later, I came home to find that my friend's grandma had been generous enough to run a load of laundry for us while we were at work--a load of laundry which, to my horror, included the pants in question. I could never look at her quite the same...
tl;dr I shat my pants, stripped naked in public to get rid of the pants, and my friend's grandmother ended up washing them.
InfinitelyOutThere: If it didn't happen today, its not TIFU
[deleted]: False. The subreddit is called TIFU to respect the TI subreddit "rule". That's why they didn't name it IFU.
Ozzyinmyeyes: It's not the end of the world for it *not* to have happened in the same day. If you didn't like it don't bother reading any stories that start with "this story is a little old."
[deleted]: Did I say those posts annoy me? You probably answered the wrong guy.
Ozzyinmyeyes: No you didn't, however you made it seem horrible that someone would post a story that's didn't happen in this day and age. It fits both you and the dude above you.
[deleted]: Don't you understand? He said that because the name of the subreddit is TIFU, which means TODAY I fucked up.
Ozzyinmyeyes: Yeah, I do...
| 8 | 0.25 | |
1390104456 | 1390105380 | t3_1vklnf | t5_2to41 | 4 | disenchanted_youth: TIFU by breaking the rules
IRideVelociraptors:
Hi disenchanted_youth, thank you for submitting to /r/tifu.
Unfortunately your submission *"TIFU by breaking the rules"* has been removed because there is a lack of context. Please resubmit with context surrounding the story.
We apologize for the inconvenience, if you feel that this removal was unjust or have any questions, please [message the mods](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Ftifu).
disenchanted_youth: No worries. I was trying to be ironic and funny by breaking rule 5 and then going "TIFU by breaking the rules".
Cheerio!
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1390103645 | 1390212103 | t3_1vkkq8 | t5_2to41 | 18 | mysecretnsfwacct: TIFU by being to greedy
Basically I was tired of low quality porn. So I turned to my trusty friend the pirate bay! Torrented Performers of the year 2014 and ended up watching something else. I didn't even end up watching it! Well fast forward and I get a text from my landlord "Do you know what performers of the year 2014 is?" I got a email from comcast saying there has been illegal copyright material being downloaded. So all my roommate found out about it also because he asked everyone. My girlfriend found knows. Pretty embarrassing situation if I might say. I also don't know what will happen. I don't think anything will come of it though. And now I feel like I shouldn't torrent but I mean I've always torrented without any stress.
Lakonthegreat: How the hell do people not know about PeerBlock?
aTMoZFeaR: Show me one article that proves anything that peerblock does is helpful, besides, ISPs can monitor THE TRAFFIC going to / from your network, you can't really 'peerblock' your ISP, can you?
[deleted]: You can, but i'm afraid it comes with other issues.
mysecretnsfwacct: Like?
Daylen: No internet
| 6 | 3 | |
1390137793 | 1390534606 | t3_1vlaze | t5_2to41 | 1,279 | BongZblitzer: TIFU by loving my girlfriend.
So it was about 8pm last night and I decided to head to bed and spend some quality time with my girlfriend. She was laying there playing on her phone. she was in the fetal position with her back to me. I knelt down and started rubbing her back and neck. She was complaining of her neck hurting earlier in the day. She turned onto her stomach and took her shirt off to make things easier for me. I straddled her butt and started giving one of my deep tissue massages. I studied anatomy quite a bit when I was going for my EMT-B. I made sure to really study how the muscle structure worked on the back to get better at massages. About 10-15 minutes in I started to get excited. I was by no means in a horny mood but, after the constant rubbing of my twig and berries against her tight leggings, The boys got excited. She noticed and said something along the lines of "It would be so easy for you to take advantage of this situation." I promptly pulled her pants down and her panties aside and started having my way with her. About 15 minutes later and a few positions later we switched to her legs together over my right shoulder. I was in the home stretch. I leaned forward more than usual to try and suck on her nipple and but this rotated her love canal higher than where I was aiming with my thrusts. It was the perfect storm. Wrong angles, getting lost in the heat of the moment, long thrusts. I started sucking her nipple. I was getting really close now. I started to pull out to just the tip and thrust back in hard. She said she was so close as well. Her body started to tense up completely. I pulled out a little too far and with my next thrust I really wanted to drive it home so I put all my force behind it. Almost instantly she nearly pushes me off the bed with her legs snapping straight as a board. She is crying and screaming. I felt a little resistance but things gave way. I thought I hit the little skin between the vaj and butthole and then was redirected up into her. Nope full blown balls deep in her ass. After a few minutes of nearly throwing up she finally started to calm down. She then informed me of what happened and I felt so bad. I gave her some kisses, said I was sorry, put on netflix, and rubbed her back, arms, and head til we both fell asleep.
**TL;DR: Nice boyfriend gives nonsexual massage. Girlfriend wants the D. Making love with girlfriend leads to AA (accidental anal)**
cboyd420: That accidental ass thrust. I have sooooo been there.
SilentLurker: How long before your ass stopped hurting?
x_x_x_x: Do you really care?
kickingturkies: Why would he ask otherwise?
x_x_x_x: My suspicion is that he's not used to talking to girls about anal sex, so he's milking it with dumb questions just to get the satisfaction of a response
feelingok: Rape culture in a nutshell.
SRSforAll: Please stop making the word "rape" not mean anything.
feelingok: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rape_culture
SRSforAll: Why don't we just make rape not mean anything by tacking it on more things?
>Rape politics
>Rape Rape
>Rape Thoughts
>Visual rape
>divorce rape
feelingok: Sure, make up any phrase you want. Just don't pretend it "makes rape not mean anything".
SRSforAll: You trivialize rape by using it for a billion different things.
Get bent, SJW
feelingok: Talking about the social roots of sexualized violence isn't trivializing it. It's taking it seriously: analyzing and understanding the problem so that it can be dealt with at its roots. That's far more important than making sure we all know how serious certain words are.
> Get bent, SJW
Speaking of "trivializing rape" I think we can all see how "seriously" you take take the subject. I wouldn't be surprised if you had some dirty secrets of your own.
SRSforAll: When people say "Rape", it's usually a female being raped.
yet here we use "rape" as many other defenitions. Feminists even have "eye rape" as a definition, AKA when someone might look upon someone else going "hey, you look cute".
This is appropriating and trivializing the word "rape".
feelingok: That's nice, but I never used the term "eye rape" at all. You are the only one who's even brought up these other "rape" terms. FWIW, arguing against something that your opponent never even said is called a "straw man".
SRSforAll: You argue the same as the morons at /r/ShitRedditSays, so I judge you as much.
They're the only ones who use "rape culture" in a serious way. The rest are either jokes, but those who define "rape culture" as a serious thing are just trolls or ignortant. Neither deserve trying to talk to
feelingok: > You argue the same as the morons at /r/ShitRedditSays, so I judge you as much.
Judging people based on groups and stereotypes is great logic. Are you a racist as well?
> They're the only ones who use "rape culture" in a serious way. The rest are either jokes, but those who define "rape culture" as a serious thing are just trolls or ignortant. Neither deserve trying to talk to
Yeah, if you tried to talk to people with conflicting views you might end up having to understand what they're trying to say to you, and mental effort is so exhausting, isn't it? Much easier to just write them as "trolls", then you can keep on believing what you already believe. Besides, it seems like you've already found the best way to fight against sexual violence with this whole "rape is a big and important word" thing. I'm sure you're doing a lot to help.
Isn't it a bit rich to accuse people of being trolls when your own username sort of implies that you're a troll account?
flamingcanine: >> You argue the same as the morons at /r/ShitRedditSays, so I judge you as much.
>Judging people based on groups and stereotypes is great logic. Are you a racist as well?
Bit of a false equivilance there.
Judging a group by it's members actions is years of difference from judging someone by their skin color.
Not to mention he's correct in identifying your SJW/SRS argument style of flinging shit at the wall until something sticks.
>> They're the only ones who use "rape culture" in a serious way. The rest are either jokes, but those who define "rape culture" as a serious thing are just trolls or ignortant. Neither deserve trying to talk to
Why even quote this if you are going to ignore it?
>Yeah, if you tried to talk to people with conflicting views you might end up having to understand what they're trying to say to you, and mental effort is so exhausting, isn't it? Much easier to just write them as "trolls", then you can keep on believing what you already believe.
So much hypocricy. I'm not sure I can overstate how hypocritical you are being here.
YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT TRY TO DISMISS HIS/HER ARGUMENT BY ATTACKING THEIR CHARACTER.
> Besides, it seems like you've already found the best way to fight against sexual violence with this whole "rape is a big and important word" thing. I'm sure you're doing a lot to help.
Well, by doing nothing, he has already done more for that cause then you have, with you attempt to oversaturate the use of rape, which hurts actual rape victims by making them look less honest by virtue of there being people like you.
Rape being a big powerful word is important to prosecuting rape, as it is to help people understand the trauma and assist victims in coping and moving on from said trauma.
>Isn't it a bit rich to accuse people of being trolls when your own username sort of implies that you're a troll account?
He hasn't accused you of being a troll, just really good at ruining any cause you attempt to champion. I.E. ignorant.
feelingok: Sockpuppeting by using your main account to back up what your troll account says is still sockpuppeting. You could at least have tried to be a bit less obvious.
flamingcanine: I'm not SRSforall, easily noticiable since I didn't insult you directly to dismiss your arguments. And once again, you rely on character attacks to get your point accross, likely due to lack of actual arguments.
I just spend a lot of time exasperated watching this excuse of social justice make a mockery of legitimate concerns while managing to be ideologically identicle to the most puritanical of american conservatives, and jumped on the opportunity to trash your "argument."
Furthermore, is it safe to assume you have no counterargument, seeing as you lept to a fallacy fallacy amd didn't even try to counter my argument?
I suggest that you critically review your beliefs, and compare western culture to an actual rape culture(like india or some middle eastern one).
feelingok: > Furthermore, is it safe to assume you have no counterargument, seeing as you lept to a fallacy fallacy amd didn't even try to counter my argument?
No, I just have no interest in arguing with sockpuppets. It's quite pathetic and rather sad to be honest.
flamingcanine: >> Furthermore, is it safe to assume you have no counterargument, seeing as you lept to a fallacy fallacy amd didn't even try to counter my argument?
>No, I just have no interest in arguing with sockpuppets. It's quite pathetic and rather sad to be honest.
I'm not a sockpuppet, but continue to shut out any voice of dissent that doesn't conform to your worldview with whatever flimsy justification you can.
feelingok: > I'm not a sockpuppet,
Of course not, you're just subscribed to all the same subreddits, and I'm sure it's just a coincidence that you mysteriously appeared in a 10-level deep discussion thread after I called your original account a troll account.
> but continue to shut out any voice of dissent that doesn't conform to your worldview with whatever flimsy justification you can.
I'm not interested in hearing your excuses for your pro-rape culture opinions, just like I'm not interested in hearing your excuses for the [racist, homophobic comments](http://www.reddit.com/r/4chan/comments/1vo0t2/anons_gf_is_a_major_bitch/ceupcws?context=3) you post under your troll account. There are plenty of "dissenting worldviews" that are disgusting and that I really don't want to know about.
flamingcanine: >> I'm not a sockpuppet,
>Of course not, you're just subscribed to all the same subreddits, and I'm sure it's just a coincidence that you mysteriously appeared in a 10-level deep discussion thread after I called your original account a troll account.
I'm interested in your beliefs thqt me and srsforall same subreddits. Surely you don't know this from looking at my posting history, as it would reveal I have a bit of a habit if you went back far enough to analyze me to any real degree. About a month ago I was posting pretty frequently and did it to several people, mostly on topics relating to politics or so called "social justice."
Furthermore, I comented on a couple pieces of the argument, not just the end. Mostly where reddit prompted me to load more comments.
>> but continue to shut out any voice of dissent that doesn't conform to your worldview with whatever flimsy justification you can.
>I'm not interested in hearing your excuses for your pro-rape culture opinions,
"You disagree with my unfalsifiable sociology theory, therefore you support bad things" I'm pretty sure you haven't read my posts at all now before closing your eyes and shouting sockpuppet. Maybe grab a stick and shout "expecto patronam!" It might be more effective in making my points go away.
> just like I'm not interested in hearing your excuses for the [racist, homophobic comments](http://www.reddit.com/r/4chan/comments/1vo0t2/anons_gf_is_a_major_bitch/ceupcws?context=3) you post under your troll account. There are plenty of "dissenting worldviews" that are disgusting and that I really don't want to know about.
I've never posted in 4chan, disproving your earlier comment about me and srsforall being in "all the same subreddits" without me having to do any real analysis.
If I wanted to go to the dirty dierreah fountain that is 4chan, I most definately wouldn't go to a watered down reddit version.
As for his comment, I see it as a meta passive aggressive jab at 4chan, mostly due to it's use of lists. I could be wrong and he could just be an asshole.
For someone who posts on /r/athiesm, you seem awfully insistant on a "theory" that has no real backing, is unfalsifiable, and doesn't adequately explain the world.
| 24 | 53.291667 | |
1390149262 | 1390158248 | t3_1vllix | t5_2to41 | 54 | Starguy310: TIFU by carrying a Zippo into the toilet.
So I was home smoking a cigarette when the urge to take a shit came in. I was wearing a zipped hoodie with the frontal pockets.
I just put my beloved Zippo in the right pocket of my hoodie and proceed to take a dump. A few months prior, I read on /r/lifehacks that it is better to shit in a squatting position (http://www.reddit.com/r/LifeProTips/comments/1p6suc/lpt_go_to_the_toilet_like_nature_intended_from_a/)(Worked pretty well, I must say!). So I took my skateboard (and my cat because didn't want to feel lonely) in the bathroom.
Put my skateboard under my feet and and tiptoed on it to get really high knees and then I started doing my business.
It was a very liquid one too: Class 6 going on to 7(http://www.continence.org.au/data/images/bristol_stool_chart.gif).
While shitting, I was also chatting with some friends. One of the messages made me laugh and as I was laughing, my Zippo fell between my legs and into the waterypoop ridden water. I wasn't finished...
I kept thinking to myself: The longer you wait, the more poop water the Zippo is going to absorb. So, I forced myself to hold it, put a towel on and to go to the kitchen to get a dish-washing glove.
Fetching the Zippo wasn't so hard as it wasn't too deep. But I could definitely feel with my hands that it was a shitty situation (yes, I'm preventing you guys to use that Horatio moment thing.).
Dumped my zippo in the sink with various cleaning products and left it for the night. Didn't use it since but the cotton still kinda smells like shit.
TL;DR: Took my Zippo while shitting and it fell into the bowl, with waterypoop in it.
alpineliam: Buy a new Zippo. Also how does your cat feel about keeping you company in the bathroom?
Starguy310: He just chills in the corner. And he's a cat... Why would he give a fuck about the situation?
[deleted]: If he decided he wanted to leave and couldn't because the door is shut, your on the toilet, some cats might scratch the door...
BF3FAN1: My cat opens doors so I have no choice if he wants to watch or not.
zer0t3ch: I have a weird bathroom that has stairs (from the second story) descending into it. Whenever anyone goes into that bathroom without latching it (she KNOWS) she will go all the way upstairs, down through the bathroom stairs, just to annoy the shit out of you (pun intended) and open the door.
| 6 | 9 | |
1390168664 | 1390334218 | t3_1vmdc2 | t5_2to41 | 48 | gyanos422: TIFU by forcing a shit.
So this morning I woke feeling like I had to take a mean shit. I sat down to unleash the dogs of war and there wasn't much coming out. So I thought maybe I just need to give it a little help, so I pushed. Well it wasn't happening so I went to wipe and felt a pain that can only be described as an icepick stabbing me in the taint. Now it feels like I took a steel toe boot in the asshole every time I sit, kneel or cough. Excuse me while I find an inflatable donut..
[deleted]: At least you didn't shit out your intestine.
gyanos422: It might have been less painful
| 3 | 16 | |
1390164566 | 1390244333 | t3_1vm78z | t5_2to41 | 18 | zer0t3ch: TIFU by speeding (x-post from FML)
This happened about 2.5 months ago, but here it is.
I want to preface this with EVERYONE WAS OK, and I was COMPLETELY SOBER. I had 4 passengers, and everyone had a working seatbelt available to them, although I found out after the fact that one person chose not to wear hers. (all speeds in miles per hour)
Now that we're past that, here's the story. I was on a road that curves first slightly to the right, then to the left. Speed limit 35, I was probably going ~60. (I don't remember because I blacked out or have amnesia, dunno which)
Basically the car went just barely off the road at the first curve (I took it too sharply) and then I over corrected, skidding sideways around the other curve. After the first set of tires came back on the road, just as the second set was coming back on, the tires caught the edge, rolling us across both lanes (luckily no one was there, and it was a busy time on a busy road)
I ended up backwards, upside down, in the ditch on the wrong side of the road, and everyone was okay.
**After the fact [PICURES](http://imgur.com/a/btoW2) in the tow yard.**
And I made **[a gif](http://i.imgur.com/jISrcA8.gif)** of what happened.
**EDIT - see the bottom of my post for pics in the ditch**
Finally got it all sorted out in traffic court just the other day (about 2.5 months after the incident)
I got $500 in court fines/tickets, (although I was facing about $3k) a traffic safety course I have to go take, and a sort of probationary period.
**If you want any more details, please don't hesitate to ask, I would be happy to share.**
TL;DR I dun fucked up
**EDIT - [car in ditch](http://i.imgur.com/ifi1iwe.jpg)**
le_mous: I just have one question, and it's a completely honest one.
Since you wrote..
> Speed limit 35, I was probably going ~60
..and..
> luckily no one was there, and it was a busy time on a busy road
*What would possess you to put yours and everyone else's lives in your vehicle in danger like that? Not to mention any oncoming traffic?*
You could have killed yourself, your passengers and any other unlucky man, woman or child that happened to be within the trajectory of the 3,800 pound weapon you were not in control of.
zer0t3ch: It is a completely honest question, and I can respect that.
In all honesty, I don't know what I was thinking. As I said, I blacked out (or something along those lines) and therefor 90% of what I'm saying is pieced together from passenger accounts and skid marks.
Everyone was severely lucky that I wasn't near ANYONE when it happened except for an unmarked cop car that was watching for drunk drivers (homecoming night) and he was safe in a turn-off to a boat launch.
As much as I hate said cop for actually lying about certain events (not going into details) he could have saved someone's life (if anyone had been in life-threatening danger) and I'm happy he was there to bring about the law.
If you are curious, once I got out, I made sure everyone was out (I was the last one out) and made sure they were all ok. When the cop confronted us about who was driving, I instantly spoke up and cooperated fully. (Until he later called me a 'jagoff', but -- again -- not going to get into details.)
elf25: if you can't remember, how do you know the cop is lying?
zer0t3ch: He said he was driving the opposite direction from me and he saw the whole thing. (Remember both of these, it's important)
Now, there is no way that he could have been driving the opposite direction because of the angle at which I saw him parked when I got out of the car.
Next, assuming maybe he just parked funny, there is no way anyone going the opposite direction at the right spot could have seen the whole thing without themselves getting hit by the car.
Finally, assuming maybe my car *just barely* missed him while he was driving the opposite direction, there is no way he could have seen the whole thing because of the way the road was shaped. (Trees on both sides, no way he saw around both curves)
Therefor riddled with lies in some form or another.
Good question though.
| 5 | 3.6 | |
1390180060 | 1390182347 | t3_1vmuc6 | t5_2to41 | 2 | ImPlayingTheSims: TIFU by getting drunk and rampaging around facebook
iposewithseals: Screenshots plox
ImPlayingTheSims: Oh its nothing too much. I just posted tons of youtube music videos of songs people already know I love. I posted some long rant and messaged an ex too
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1390180702 | 1390282141 | t3_1vmva6 | t5_2to41 | 20 | TIFU73: TIFU by sleeping with my Sister's Half-Sister (No Relation)
My half-sister's half-sister came into town to meet my half-sister for the first time ever, as she lived across the nation before finding out she had a half-sister. We hit it off, flirting with one another, me not fully realizing what I was doing. She told me how she was in a marriage neither of them wanted, and I felt the need to comfort her. So I did, and one thing led to another. I want to clarify that we're not related, my half-sister has the same father as her half-sister, where as I have the same mother as my half-sister.
sonofstjames: Was she hot?
TIFU73: Yes, but I prefer to say beautiful.
sonofstjames: Half as hot as the half sister?
TIFU73: It's a trap!
sonofstjames: This is pic worthy though
| 6 | 3.333333 | |
1390191004 | 1390253158 | t3_1vn9a4 | t5_2to41 | 1,703 | pornmoustache: TIFU by giving a guy a facial.
So I'm a dude and I like guys. I was with a particular guy I liked (let's name him Drew). I wasn't sure if he was gay or not so I never advanced on him. Now here we are smoking a couple of blunts and playing video games when Drew mentions he has another blunt so I go for it. Now at this point I'm at an [8] and its the highest I've ever been. So I'm high out of mind and suddenly this guy kisses me. At first I wasn't sure if he actually kissed me or I was imagining it since I had a huge crush on him. But he did kiss me and I kissed him back. One thing led to another and suddenly we have our pants off. He's blowing me and I'm blowing him. We stop because we are about to cum so we lay down side by side mutually jacking off.being so turned on I was about to blow my load. At this point drew put his head on my belly and started kissing it when I shot everywhere including on his face. Normally this wouldn't be bad but when I finally opened my eyes I saw what happened. There was blood everywhere! And it wouldn't stop coming out of my penis. Drew is covered in blood, I'm freaking out because I'm bleeding out of my pee hole, and Drew is horrified.
Fuck I really liked this guy. I don't know why there was blood in my semen. I'm going to see a doctor. I'm not very sexually active so I'm pretty sure its not an sti or something.
Tldr; it was my time of the month.
Edit: OP wasn't a fag. Well kinda. Here's some of the bloody cum. http://imgur.com/5kpDDFG The rest was on Drew's Face.
UPDATE: So sorry I haven't been on. Finally got a chance to update. Doctor basically told me it was Hematospermia. He checked my prostate and my balls for cancer. He said it should clear up in a week and if it doesn't that I should go back. So have that going for me. As far as Drew goes, I texted him asking if we are going to have lunch tomorrow like we do every week and he said yes. I'd rather have this conversation on the phone and see what happens. Wish me luck guys. And also thanks everyone for the awesome support. I couldn't sleep at all last night but then you guys made me life a little better. Thanks for the gold kind stranger.
lostdeceiver: Blood?!
pornmoustache: Blood! So much blood. I have a picture if you guys are interested.
AwesomeAni: You might wanna get that looked at.
And I want a picture.
pornmoustache: Updated.
nliausacmmv: I clicked on the link. Why would I do that? I didn't want to see semen with blood in it, yet I saw it.
Necoras: I didn't click on the link, RES showed it to me automatically. NSFW tag would be nice...
pornmoustache: RES gives me a little plus sign next to the link. How do I put a NSFW tag?
EDIT: Added NSFW tag.
3vere1: Speaking of RES, I now have you tagged as "Jizzes Blood"
[deleted]: Do you have him tagged in maroon or red?
3vere1: Red.
[deleted]: Me too. Originally, thinking of dried blood, I had it in maroon, but after the picture was posted... red.
3vere1: I considered pink because of the picture.
White + Red = Pink
[deleted]: That may have just inspired a switch
| 14 | 121.642857 | |
1390192630 | 1390277013 | t3_1vnboa | t5_2to41 | 46 | mak3sh1ft: TIFU by getting recognized on a camgirl/boy website.
I recently started using a website where I masturbate on webcam and get tipped. I was kind of drunk while doing it this time however and I was showing my face more than usual. After about an hour, I was one of the top cams in the male section. Everything was fine until someone posted in the chat the school I go to. I didn't think much of because if you look on my amazon wishlist you can see what city I'm in, and being 20 it would make sense I go to university. But a little later on, someone posted my last name. I quickly kicked them from the chat(not sure if you can kick from the room), and removed the post, but it left me kind of shaken. Then I got two phone calls from a restricted number. I didn't answer because if I did then it would definitely prove it was me on there. By this point I had about 400 viewers and I couldn't just leave, so I finished as soon as possible and got off. If the person who knew me stayed and watched, they saw quite a lot of me. And the fact that they had my number means they are at least somewhat close to me...
TL;DR: While masturbating on webcam, someone posted the school I go to and my last name. Then I received two calls from a restricted number. I still finished...
lostdeceiver: You should block your region the next time you broadcast...
mak3sh1ft: Can you do that? That's actually a pretty good idea.
lostdeceiver: Yeah, you can. Look for settings and privacy.
mak3sh1ft: Ahh, you're right! I'm in CA though and blocking it out seems like it would cut out a lot of the audience. I'll probably still block it, better safe than sorry.
lostdeceiver: Glad I could help. (:
| 6 | 7.666667 | |
1390191916 | 1390202436 | t3_1vnany | t5_2to41 | 180 | bankergoesrawrr: TIFU by making a girl decide to never have a career. Ever.
One of my clients once approached me going, "Bankergoesrawrr, I like you, you're a really smart woman working in finance. I wish my daughter is more like you. She's too spoiled and just wants to marry a rich guy who'll keep spoiling her. I want you to talk to her and maybe you can inspire her to be driven career woman like you."
Anyway...met the daughter, talked about my life and the more questions she asked, the more sad my life sounds.
What do I do most Friday nights? Go home, play LoL if I'm not too sleepy, sleep.
What do I do on weekends? Catch up on sleep I guess.
Nope, I didn't do anything for Fashion Week, I was at a conference overseas. Oh yeah, Hong Kong was awesome...um..I saw my hotel room, the conference room and uh...er..
No, I don't watch TV. What show are you talking about? Who did *what?*
I think the final push was when she asked me if I have a boyfriend and I said no since my guy and I were still not official at that time (we've only been dating a month). She asked me how long I had been single and I told her it's been nearly 2 years.
She gave me this incredulous look and went, "You look like *this* and you're still single?! See dad? That's what happens to women when they work too much."
I'm still not sure if she was complimenting or insulting my looks.
**TL;DR I have no life.**
DTorakhan: I believe that was a compliment on looks; major burn on social life. Ouch.
bankergoesrawrr: It's ok, my ideal life would be staying home forever and spending my life raising a horde of cats.
Jigglerbutts: Every redditor's dreamgirl
bankergoesrawrr: You're assuming I look hot.
AdvocateForGod: So you want us to assume you're not hot?
| 6 | 30 | |
1390205581 | 1390253568 | t3_1vnpxt | t5_2to41 | 34 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting up-voted to the top of a sub-reddit
To start it all off this was 2 days ago but only now did I realise I fucked up. Seeing something interesting on Facebook I screenshotted it thinking Reddit might like it and I would get *tons* of karma haha... Being a complete noob with editing images, I couldn't get Microsoft Paint to crop the screenshot so all my personal information on Facebook wasn't showing. Then I remembered imgur can edit/crop photos for you. So I uploaded the screenshot with many details and personal shit off my Facebook. Then cropped so just the interesting part that I wanted reddit to see was showing. Basically this isn't how you should do it. I submitted it and waited for the excessive amount of upvotes I would receive.
2 days and many up-votes later (the present) I am on top of daily and 2nd on weekly in a subreddit with 100k readers. Just a few moments ago I decided to click on my link to see how many views on imgur I had. Over 10,000. But then I glanced at the image. It wasn't cropped. My Facebook information and messages weren't cropped out. Couldn't delete it off imgur as I uploaded it as a guest. COULDN'T DELETE OFF IMGUR. Fuck. Went straight back to reddit and deleted the link sacrificing many possible upvotes and started to write this in TIFU.
Not naming the sub-reddit as i just found out deleting the link still means it's on reddit (I think?) and I definitely don't want any more people looking at my Facebook Information, messages and open tabs on Chrome. Guess I'll just have to wait it out and hope it doesn't get upvoted anymore which doesn't look like it will happen..
**TL;DR** Uploaded a picture showing personal information and messages from my Facebook as well as some of my open tabs. Link got upvoted to top page of the sub-reddit and 10k + people saw some shit they didn't need to see. Can't delete photo and possibly many more will view it :(
KristyConfused: for cropping pictures I use IrfanView http://irfanview.com it's free
LONINFINITY: That program is a godsend. So lightweight and performs so much better than most image viewers, and can be used also as a multimedia player for music, videos, and can edit images on the fly. It's great, and free, and I don't think I've ever had a computer without it since its release.
Isak922: OP fucked up today... But armed with this knowledge... He shall never fuck up again! All hail the glory of Irfanview!
| 4 | 8.5 | |
1390221027 | 1390249806 | t3_1vo1du | t5_2to41 | 1,731 | fartberg: TIFU by wearing a cum-covered shirt to a restaruant.
So I brought home a girl from a bar Saturday night and shagged her. It had been a few weeks since I busted a nut so I was pretty backed up. After I blew a massive load, I reached on the floor and grabbed my long sleeve t-shirt to clean up the skeet. I then threw it back on the floor and we went to sleep. She woke me up yesterday morning saying she was hungry. We decided to get brunch from a place down the street. My room was dark so I reached on the floor and put on the same clothes as the night before. We get to the restaurant and sit down. For some reason I hear the people in the table behind us cracking up. We order our food and eat it. The waitress then asks me what is on the back of my shirt and then she gets a closer look and says "Oh my god." It was then I realized I had used the shirt as a cum rag. I threw down 40 bucks and hurried the fuck out of there. What sucks is I eat there every weekend and can't go back.
TL/DR- wore a cumrag to a restaurant.
EDIT: WOW! Thanks for the gold! Now I'll have to skeet on more things and wear them in public!
talkaboutbored: What kind of waitress gets in closer to check what is on a customer's shirt?
turlian: The imaginary kind, just like everything in his story.
theodrixx: Why do you say that with such certainty?
turlian: The writing style.
theodrixx: What about it? Is there some style of writing that only liars use?
turlian: It reads like a 13 y/o making up a story to his friends. "shagged her", "busted a nut", the fact that no waitress would comment on a shirt stain ever...
Call me crazy, but "fartberg" just doesn't instill confidence.
theodrixx: So what should he have said? "Had sexual intercourse", "achieved ejaculation"? And really? No waitress in history has ever been unprofessional enough to comment on a stain on a customer's clothing? Especially a stain that could, at first glance, appear innocuous?
turlian: I just don't buy it.
theodrixx: That's fair, but I think it's obnoxious to act like it should be obvious to everyone.
turlian: I was merely stating an opinion, one that several people appear to agree with. And to be fair, I don't think I was acting like it should be obvious to everybody - just responding to your questioning.
theodrixx: I did have to coax an explanation of your thought process out of you, though. And although it is clear to me that you were stating an opinion, the way you stated it rubbed me the wrong way.
Ignoring all that, though, this is a story that could really go either way in terms of real/fake, and it doesn't really matter because it's entirely plausible. Face it, you can't go around crying "fake" to every slightly strange internet story. At the end of the day, stranger things have happened, and it doesn't matter anyway.
turlian: Much like the OP rubbed me the wrong way.
You are correct - it doesn't matter anyway. It's all good.
theodrixx: I suppose you're right. I'm glad we were able to settle this amicably.
turlian: Same here.
| 15 | 115.4 | |
1390232884 | 1390251618 | t3_1voe1t | t5_2to41 | 162 | [deleted]: TIFU by responding to a booty call.
(fuck I forgot to mention that this is a repost! I thought this was relevant to this subreddit, so apologies if you've read this before!) TIFU with my best girl friend who I thought had no interest in me whatsoever. Boy, was I wrong.
She called me earlier, to see what I was up to. It was 2:45am, so it woke me up. I took the call though, and she wanted to know what I was up to. I said "nuthin" and she asked if I could come over. I said I didn't have the car, but that she could come over here. She said it was too cold, so I suggested that taking a taxi might be a good idea. I told her I'd call before I got there.
It was $40 for the ride(I borrowed the dough from my brother), and I walked on in. She was wearing some tight yoga pants and an orange top. I thought she was wearing a push up bra, but I'd later find it that she was braless...
She gave me a drink, and I drank it rather quickly. She asked me to keep drinking, so that I could "catch up with her". I kept drinking, and it got pretty serious then.
She walked to the bathroom, and I laid back into her floor. When she came into the room, she put her butt in my face. I took her hips and brought her down to the Reverse Cowgirl position. We weren't naked, but I tried my darnedest to get her to that point.
She got up, and kept shaking her cute butt in my face. She laid down onto her bed and I reached up and grabbed her stomach. She let me, so I kept going... I brought her top up, to reveal her perky breasts. She has some pretty big nipples, and they are indeed the color of her lips!
Anyway, I began pulling at her pants, and I laid my eyes onto the beautiful lips of hers. She had some light stubble, like the night before, and I started to kiss her down there. She hesitated, so I stopped. She began licking her tits, and I wanted to do the same, but she didn't let me. She let me grab them though, and I saw she got really aroused when I started to play with her nipples... She was moaning, and then SHE STOPPED. She asked me to hand her the baby wipes that were nearby, and she proceeded to clean the area that I had worked so hard on.
I tried to keep going, but she asked me to stop. That's when we began to fight.
We had been play-fighting earlier that evening, but that was as playful as much as it was sexual, because she bit me and thrusted her body towards me, but very playfully.
But when we fought the second time, it was for real. She was screaming at me to stop touching her, but I was grabbing her because she was hitting me really fucking hard! She had madness in her eyes, and I don't mean anger. I mean psychotic, strap-her-down madness.
She took her phone and bashed my head in at least two times, to which I realized that she REALLY was mad at me and that she wanted to hurt me. I held her down, to avoid getting hit, but eventually I got her up because I didn't want to fight anymore. I didn't want to hurt her anymore... I realize that I was, but only because I was having to hold my own against her at that point.
Did I mention she's 4'11,about 100lbs,while in 5'10,255lbs?
ANYWAY, when it was done, she broke my glasses and she says I scratched hers. She asked me to get the fuck out, but I told her I needed my wallet, my phone and the pieces to my glasses. She helped me, eventually, to find two of the three things, though I've got to go back later to find my wallet.
She kicked me out, and when I started to walk outside, I realized that I couldn't see a thing... Partly because of my glasses being broken and because there was so much blood in my eyes at that point.
I called my only friend, Sebastian, and he answered rather quickly. I couldn't find the words, so I started to sob uncontrollably. He knew it was me(caller id?) and asked what was wrong. I struggled with telling him, but I eventually blurted it that I had gotten into a fight with Marisa and that she broke my glasses and had my wallet so I couldn't call a cab. I asked if he could pick me up, and when I started to give him directions, Marisa came out and offered me a ride home.
I didn't want to take it, honest to God, but I didn't want to bug Seb. I feel like I bother him whenever I ask him to come to my side of town to hang out, so to ask him to come all the way out to Marisa's would be just terrible.
I hung up the phone, assuring Seb that I was alright. Marisa got into her car and insisted that I got in. She said that she felt bad enough for breaking my glasses, but INSISTED that it was my fault. I shouldn't have kept going, I should have stopped going down on her when she said to stop, she said. I kept quiet, to allow her time to vent. When she finished, she expressed sympathy, and said that though she did want to have sex with me, she was just getting started and said that if I had just been patient, I could've had her.
I told her that it wouldn't've gone that far, because I didn't have a condom, but that I could've gone down on her until the sun came up...
We were almost to my apartment by then, and I asked her to hold onto my wallet when she found it. That's when she got PISSED. She asked why I left without having my wallet, and I said it was because I didn't want to get my fucking head beaten in again. She asked over and over again if I even brought my wallet, and I said that yes, because I had to have paid the cab driver somehow.
She dropped me off about a mile from home, as punishment for leaving without my wallet. She says that she didn't want to see me anymore, and that she absolutely meant it this time. She hated the thought of having to see me again, and I feel the same way. I'll never see her the same way again. I'll just see her as the person who beat me to a bloody pulp.
TLDR I went over, late at night, and got beaten up by a girl.
RingoTheCraftySquidd: Am I the only one that thinks it's kinda fucked he didn't stop?
clickstation: Well, not me.
>She was moaning, and then SHE STOPPED. She asked me to hand her the baby wipes that were nearby, and she proceeded to clean the area that I had worked so hard on. I tried to keep going, but she asked me to stop. That's when we began to fight.
From the way OP worded that, I don't see why OP would've felt he *needed* to stop. It's *possible* that he kept going *after* she told him to stop, but that's not in the story.
So no, I really don't have any reason to think it's fucked up.
Walican132: If a woman is cleaning her self up after you, its a pretty clear sign to stop.
[deleted]: She cleaned herself because she felt disgusted with hooking up with me. She had just gotten out of a serious relationship, as did I, so maybe she felt shitty for taking our relationship to the next level without officially going out.
Walican132: So you know she felt disgusted but didn't stop?
[deleted]: She cleaned herself after I went down on her. I didn't know she felt disgusted until after, when she told me on the way back.
Walican132: I mean, I realize we are in tifu, and you realize we are in tifu, but I don't think you realize why you fucked up and are trying to make excuses.
| 8 | 20.25 | |
1390238496 | 1390280143 | t3_1vomts | t5_2to41 | 155 | shrc91: TIFU by accidently punching my boss, dressed as a Gingerbread man.
Ok, so I work at a tennis club that hosts a whole bunch of events throughout the year. Today was some kids sixth birthday party so we had about 50 kids running around playing tennis and games etc.
We have a whole bunch of generic outfits that we wheel out every time we have a kids party (i.e. Shrek, a Pirate etc) and today I was forced to dress up as the Gingerbread Man in the absence of the chef who normally dresses up as this, much to my chagrin.
Anyway, I could barely see in this montrosity of an outfit and attempted to dance (mostly to One Direction, urgh) but realised I couldn't really move; so I just started thrusting with my arms to compensate.
As I do this my boss (dressed as Luke Skywalker) walks past and I punch him clean in the nose whilst doing the Saturday Night Fever dance. This is literally as the song is coming to an end so everyone heard the contact and saw him fall. It went deadly silent for about two seconds and, no joke, one little girl started crying too. I've never felt so dreadful.
The awkwardness was diminished less after another song coming on, but through my limited view I could just see everyone staring at me. It was horrible.
Anyway, he was alright after a couple of minutes and took it in good spirits so I really dodged a bullet. I really clocked him hard. He went home so I haven't really spoken to him properly yet. Dreading tomorrow now.
I also have a new nickname among the members: Rocky. Fuck sake.
Edit: Grammar
UPDATE: My boss came into work today with a huge shiner. He thought it was quite funny. I wasn't fired.
Natemit: What did the gingerbread man costume look like?
shrc91: http://www.fancydress.com.au/images/items/891.jpg
It was very similar to this. A bit browner though.
Babba2theLabba: I'm sorry but that is fucking hilarious. I couldn't breathe for 15 seconds straight. Thank you for the laugh!
Slicklizard: I love how the costume in the picture didn't even bother to use the same fabric color for the head.
| 5 | 31 | |
1390207020 | 1390252682 | t3_1vnr54 | t5_2to41 | 34 | Icanhelpanonlawyer: TIFU by changing the oil.
I didn't look at the jug I was pouring into the car. The only reason I looked at it was because I thought it was flowing a bit too well for the outside temperature. It was coolant.
I poured about 2 quarts of coolant into my mom's car.
Three hours and several quarts of oil and engine flush later the car works fine and there is no evidence of any damage.
Fuck.
cdsbigsby: I actually did that recently too, only I put power steering fluid in instead of coolant. Drained it, refilled with oil, works fine.
Of course, it's a Toyota 22re, so I could probably fill it with Dr. Pepper and it would work.
Jessie_James: Actually, it's diet Dr. Pepper.
| 3 | 11.333333 | |
1390258199 | 1390366216 | t3_1vplov | t5_2to41 | 1,578 | [deleted]: TIFU by punching my boyfriend after a surgery
This was last night but anyway:
Yesterday I went to my boyfriend's house to play some videogames and watch a movie with him and his friend. It doubled as a "feel better" visit because he just got his wisdom teeth taken out out the day before.
So after dinner (the boyfriend had pudding, his friend and I ate grilled cheese), we sat down to watch 2 Fast 2 Furious. I was kind of tired and those movies aren't really my thing, so I cuddled up to my boyfriend and fell asleep with my arm across this torso and my hand on his shoulder.
There was a point where I was just awake enough to feel an itch on my nose. One of my arms was squished between mine and my boyfriend's body, so I decided to use my other hand and bring it on the shortest path from his shoulder to my nose, which would take it right through my boyfriend's swollen face. Full force. He screamed out in pain and I jolted awake, realizing I hit him right in the jaw.
God, I felt so bad. He said he was fine, but he had to rinse his mouth, ice his face, and take more of his painkillers.
I still feel horrible about it.
patchworkfuckface: good job
[deleted]: thanks, i guess that's what happens when you're a sleep flailer like i am
BearpunchGunsmoke: Dude, I feel your pain. I was sleeping next to my friend one night after a party and I wake up to find out I had brought the full force of my arm (I am not a small dude) on her face at like seven in the morning.
I felt awful.
[deleted]: I'm about half his size, but if my full force is the same as when I pull my covers up and punch myself in the face, then I may have fucked up really badly :T I hope he doesn't need re-stitching or something.
divinitus: Upvoted because I laughed...something about "if my full force is the same as when I pull my covers up and punch myself in the face, then I may have fucked up really badly" made me crack up
edit: I just remembered that I kicked my boyfriend in the face on accident...oopsie. Hope that makes you feel better?
[deleted]: For some reason I'm just imagining you mindlessly kicking your legs super high and accidentally kicking your boyfriend in the face as he walks by. I hope that's how it happened.
divinitus: ...something like that. I was trying to put my legs on his shoulders so I was flailing my legs, and somehow, my foot ended up kicking him in the face. I don't think I kicked him *too* hard, but as the shock of what I did hit me and I saw the shock on his face, I just burst out laughing, hysterically.
Shortly after that, I drooled on him...but that's another story. I...I think I may have issues...
dodle4: Do tell the story where you drooled on him! ...I think *I* have problems.
divinitus: No, no...I'm pretty sure *I* have problems...actually, we both probably have problems ._.;
Anyways! We had just started dating and I was still pretty shy around him, as it hadn't been long since we got together. I took a sip from a can of Sprite, and thought it'd be courteous to ask if he'd like some. I was expecting him to take the can from me and drink it himself, but it just kinda happened that I ended up having to (awkwardly) position the can so he could drink from it while I was holding the can. I still had the mouthful of Sprite from earlier in my mouth, and in my intense focus on trying not to spill any Sprite on him...I, instead, drooled on him, a mixture of the saliva and Sprite that was in my mouth.
...and *that* is the story of how I drooled on my boyfriend.
There are many more stories where that came from. I'm pretty sure I have serious problems.
dodle4: Why didn't he take the can? Also, I need moar stories from you!
divinitus: I have no idea. I'm sure we were trying to do some sort of cutesy-pootsy lovey-dovey maneuver...it just didn't work out because I'm not graceful enough :(
You owe me a story this time :D and then I'll tell you how I made my boyfriend yelp in pain because I accidentally stepped on his foot ~~I am a horrible *clumsy* girlfriend~~
dodle4: Well, what type of story are you looking for? I only have a couple, and they all involve me getting hurt. :/
divinitus: Whichever one will make me laugh? Or cry. Crying is ok too. Or cringe? You choose :)
dodle4: Hmmm... I'll tell you about the time I had to go to the hospital and get stitches because a kid threw a rock at me.
I used to live in a trailer park and there was a big rock pile. This kid William, who was 9-10, was throwing rocks at me and my friend. At this time I was 6-7. Anyway, he got a big-ish rock and threw it at me. This one I didn't dodge. It hit me right above my lip on the left side. It was very bloody. I had to go to the hospital to get stitches. My mom got the cops, but I'm not sure what happened after that.
I have multiple other stories, like the time I had to get my head super-glued after a board fell on my head, or the time I rode my bike into a parked car.
divinitus: ...duuuude...we both definitely have problems ._.;
So...the story of how I accidentally stepped on my boyfriend's foot and made him yelp...
Apparently, he had a blister on his foot that I didn't know about (we went Black Friday shopping earlier that day and he showed no signs of pain or discomfort, I had no idea about the blister and dragged the poor guy shopping for the better part of a day D:) and so, while stepping over him to get something off of his dresser, I guess I accidentally stepped on his blistered foot. He is not a man to show when he's in pain, but he let out and a yelp, and a gentlemanly "FUCK" and hopped around for a bit. Oops.
I have a lot of other stories like this, actually. It seems that I accidentally inflict pain on others a lot :| Like that time I accidentally hit my sister in the eye with a golf club or that time when I dropped a baby on his head ~~or that time that I accidentally threw a soccer ball (really hard) at my dad's crotch area~~...
dodle4: .-. You dropped a baby on his head. I also inflict pain on myself. One time I was holding I think a phone charger and somehow it swung up into my face and hit me in the eye...
divinitus: I...yeah...he just learned to walk, so I left him standing on a chair FOR JUST A SECOND, I SWEAR and in that one second I turned my back on him, he toppled off the chair and faceplanted the ground. Oops. Sorry, kid D:
One time, I was using a travel adapter to plug my laptop charger into a foreign electrical socket and electrocuted myself...their voltage is twice the voltage of American electrical sockets...it hurt.
rubbersoul16: One time me and some friends were golfing, and my on friend walked up behind me while I was on my backswing. A three wood to the neck must've hurt alot.
| 19 | 83.052632 | |
1390245165 | 1390270853 | t3_1voyj7 | t5_2to41 | 31 | SMUT_ADDICT: TIFU By shattering glass everywhere.
I hate electric stoves, I only realize I turned on the wrong burner when it's too late. I left my glass measuring cup on the bottom burner and accidentally turned it on instead of the top burner. I went to fill my measuring cup only to be met to the shattering of glass. I fucked up even more by not wearing shoes, somehow I didn't step on any of the tiny pieces that went on the floor.
Now I have to open up the pipes of my sink to fish out all the glass.
TheVillain117: At least you didn't poop yourself like most of this sub.
[deleted]: Optimism at its finest.
| 3 | 10.333333 | |
1390265645 | 1390408613 | t3_1vpyah | t5_2to41 | 3 | DiscordiaHel: TIFU by returning to the bad habit of cutting
So let me begin with the fact that I've been depressed the vast majority of my life. I am on medication and I have a wonderful therapist, not to mention a fantastic husband all of which usually keep me 'safe'. I started feeling really down (we are low on money, the house was a disaster zone, child was acting out and to top it off my husband was in the hospital). I called my therapist, we talked for maybe half an hour. I was feeling lower and lower, I ended up taking some pills (my prescription, just not at the prescribed dosages) and sat down at my computer to 'think'. I don't know what came over me, but the next thing I knew I was sharpening an already very sharp kitchen knife, and making shallow cuts into my left arm. At one point my daughter came out of her room and I screamed for her to go back in. I didn't want her to see/know what I was doing. I cut the length of my forearm and an 'x' shape at the top of that cut, then several vertical cuts more on the back of my arm. Then, I don't know how or why the knife slid through my skin, and down to the muscle. I dropped the knife, grabbed paper towels and freaked out for a second. It didn't really hurt, but damn did it look bad. Luckily for me my roommate had gotten home, so I asked him to take me to the ER, and to watch my daughter. I also called my husband and let him know what happened. At the ER I waited for about 6 hours before the doc came and stitched me up. In the end it was 'only' 6 stitches, and he said it should heal just fine. But yeah, then I had to explain to my 8 year old what 'cutting' was. FML TIFU
alpineliam: Dude overdoing it with self harm isn't really something that is going to get a good response here. There are probably some good subreddits on /r/self that are for people going through this kind of thing.
Yes, you fucked up, but this is more serious than an "I shit myself" post. Go and get the help you need OP. For your sake and the sake of the people you love.
DiscordiaHel: Sorry, I guess I didn't realize this sub wasn't for all F-ups.
[deleted]: No need to apologise, you didn't realise. This sub is mostly for fuck ups that other people can have a good laugh too.
I'm glad you're getting the help and support you need. It isn't something I understand particularly well but you can have an online *hug* from me and a wish for the best.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1390266257 | 1390268752 | t3_1vpzcv | t5_2to41 | 9 | Taco_Turian: TIFU by running a red light
I'm pretty sure I ran it.
You see, I'm a new driver, I got my license less than 3 months ago. I was approaching a busy intersection and I sorta blanked out for a second. I saw that the space was empty in front of me and assumed that I could go. I *think* that the light was yellow as I entered, but I am definitely sure it was red as I went under it. I don't know if there was a camera or not to take a picture. I didn't see a flash but this was during the day.
Also, I had a friend in the passenger seat. And in my state, I'm not allowed to drive anyone under 18 for the year after I get my license or until I turn 18, whichever comes first. My friend is definitely under 18.
I've talked about my dad and he said not to worry about it. Our insurance won't go up since no one was hurt and I might just have a small violation on my record. He said everyone always makes mistake in the first year of driving and that I should try to be more careful in the future. But he did say that there would be a fine that would be over $200 if I really did run the light.
I've spent the last hour just thinking about it. If there really was a camera, there's a chance both my friend and I were on it. I'm really scared I'll get my privileges revoked.
I'm not sure if this violates rule 3, but I'll take this down if it does.
EDIT: I live in California. After asking a friend, I don't think I ran it. They said that if there was a camera, the flash would have gone off, and that the flash would be intense enough to see during the day. (This happened slightly later in the day, around 4PM)
[deleted]: Where do you live? I did this once, a bit worse than you did too. The light was green when I was a distance away, and so I kind of zoned out and just kept driving. By time I was at the light, I realized it was red. It had turned red quite a few seconds ago. Wayy too late to stop, I'd have skidded right out to the middle of the intersection. So I looked left and right and just kept going. The other sides had just began going as I was halfway in the intersection. A few people honked and I felt like an idiot. Luckily in Nevada, we don't have red light cameras. The cameras on the lights here are just for detecting cars to change the light, they don't record or anything like that. I was extremely lucky.
Taco_Turian: California. I'm not sure if this light had a camera. The next light definitely had one, so I'm inclined to think that the one I ran had a camera too.
Maybe it's just my area but no one honked at me. I passed through and it was a few seconds later before people making lefts turns started coming in behind me.
[deleted]: You probably started through just as it turned to red from yellow if no one honked. I'm lucky we don't have cameras here. If you're lucky maybe that light didn't have a camera. If it did, you'll probably get a ticket or whatever. I wouldn't think you'd lose your license though.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1390269289 | 1390327934 | t3_1vq49o | t5_2to41 | 23 | Kay_Ruth: TIFU by letting my friend use my toilet before we left.
My friend Amanda needed a ride to a job interview just outside the city today, so I offered to take her. She came by my place in the morning and after hanging out a little bit she quietly went to my bathroom. IT didnt even register and I got ready for the day. We soon left for the interview. Then we went to her place and I met her dog. We went back to my place real quick and left again and I dropped her off where she needed to be. I ran an errand or two and texted my girlfriend to come over. It was movie and pizza Monday. The choice tonight: Pulp Fiction.
It was going good and the movie was going well until I got a phone call. We paused, I answered, and I wandered around my apartment. Needed to piss real quick so I went in and saw an unflushed toilet. Gross, but whatever, Amanda forgot to flush or something earlier. I can flush it now, bu I was on the phone and they'd hear. Anyway, I finished and sit back down to enjoy the movie until my girlfriend says she needed to go use the bathroom. I stopped her, and rushed to the bathroom to flush the toilet. I didn't want her seeing that mess. Well, I tried to flush it and it didn't budge. It began to build over. Fuck. I needed to fix this quickly. I grabbed the plunger and tried to get to work. But alas. My girlfriend was knocking trying to go and I had to tell her the whole story. She didn't believe me when I said it was a friend but said to wait.
I swear... this shit is of legendary standards. I've only seen a clog this stubborn once in my life, and it took an auger to fix. I'm plunging as hard as I can and it wont budge. Because of the force I was putting in my bathroom floor is now covered in shit-water. My hands and feet had shit on them. My girlfriend needed to go, so I told her to ask my neighbor, but she understandably said that she'd leave to go and that the apartment was starting to really smell.
Now I smell like shit, my apartment smells like shit, my bathroom is a wreck of shit-piss-water, and my girlfriend thinks I'm disgusting. And my toilet is still fucking clogged.
barnacledoor: Why doesn't anyone on this sub know about the flap inside the back of the toilet? If the water isn't going down, quickly lift the back lid and push the flap down to stop the flush.
qtamadeus: I think the water stopped he was just pushing so hard it splashed.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1390272628 | 1390327629 | t3_1vq9q0 | t5_2to41 | 85 | weberofling: TIFU by not blowing my nose in the morning.
So for a few weeks now I've been blowing my nose in the morning because I've been getting a lot of crusty boogers. Yeah, gross, but whatever. Today, however, I felt like my nose was pretty clear. So I assumed nothing was really up there so I didn't bother. I'm sure you can see where this is going.
I went to work and everything was fine for a few hours. My boss came over my cubicle to check where I was at with a project. We were discussing things normally when out of nowhere, a very long crusty booger slowly falls out of my nostril. My boss definitely saw what it was already, but for some reason I felt like I could play it off as a nose itch or something. I did this weird hand flipping motion to slap it away... only for the booger to fling right onto my boss's fucking face. The stupid fucking booger sort of stuck onto her cheek for a few seconds and slid slowly off. Felt like a few hours.
She sat there for a few seconds, frozen. Then she just walked away...
I tried to do some work but I ended up just leaving a bit early. Fuck. I don't want to go to work tomorrow.
Trobot087: So you don't look in the mirror once between getting out of bed and getting into work? No shave if you're a guy, no makeup if you're a girl?
weberofling: It wasn't visible when I left for work; I think it just kind of dislodged and loosened itself throughout the morning.
| 3 | 28.333333 | |
1390274372 | 1390338242 | t3_1vqcki | t5_2to41 | 142 | stupidbandguy__: TIFU by helping my sister exercise
I was showing my little sister how to use her new resistance band tonight. I put one foot on it and stood up, pulling the handles back. Unfortunately, I pulled a little too hard and it slipped right out from under my foot, rocketing straight into my crotch.
I immediately dropped to the ground, holding my nuts. I spent the next few minutes rolling on the floor in pain while my sister rolled on the floor laughing.
Don't worry, I got her back for laughing at me. I pinned her to the bed and gave her the hardest of hardcore wedgies.
ZeroDharc: oh thank god, i thought it was going to be a weird boner story.
that hurts man, i once sacked myself with a frozen package of smoked salmon at work infront of my boss.
good times
Moonreaver: Lol "I pinned her to the bed and gave her the hardest of hardcore"
[deleted]: To the windooooowwws to the wall! (To the wall)
Moonreaver: Till the sweat drips off my balls!
[deleted]: It's ok, you tried
Moonreaver: Tried what? :) my balls are sweaty lemme alone
| 7 | 20.285714 | |
1390278488 | 1390411556 | t3_1vqj1k | t5_2to41 | 6 | butterfist: TIFU by punching butter
I'm a teenager. I'm obviously going to have mood swings. But today, shit got crazy yo.
So, my mom likes to make shitty Chinese food for dinner... a lot. Hey, I eat it, I don't complain because I'm not the one making the dinner. Today she made a generic chicken dinner with this sauce that tasted like sweet and spicy assholes. It gives me the shittiest of shitty shits.
Coupled with me being unnecessarily mad for no reason, I was feeling more than a little shitty. Trying not to be ungrateful, I ate it anyways, and it even came out a little better. That's good.
But, around an hour later, I was getting some of the leftover rice. My mom walked into the kitchen around the same time, making suggestions about how I should heat up my rice and whatnot. Now, this isn't a problem, she's trying to be nice and they're good suggestions... Didn't really matter. Was mad. Was unreasonable.
"/u/butterfist, you should heat that rice up" Okay. Thanks mom. Love you.
"/u/butterfist, you should put salt on your rice" Thanks for the suggestion mom, how nice.
"/u/butterfist, you should put butter on your rice"
And I snapped, for no reason.
"FUCK YOU MOM I FUCKING HATE BUTTER FUCK SALT FUCK RICE!" I slammed my fist in the butter and it went splattering everywhere. Shit, I fucked up.
I feel so bad. I apologized several times but I still feel like shit. :(
Headcancer: [This may be both the most and least relevant use of this gif I've ever had.](http://i.imgur.com/cHviZ.gif)
butterfist: That's about right.
| 3 | 2 | |
1390280210 | 1390493587 | t3_1vqlhw | t5_2to41 | 150 | Sasquatch5: TIFU by getting high and missing a once in a lifetime opportunity.
So yesterday I walked down to Jericho Beach with a couple of friends, and we got high off our collective ass.
We're walking along the sidewalk and up comes a group of (19 y/o) guys and gals, I'd say about 7 of them total. One girl points at her friend and says "This girl thinks you guys are hot!" and we joke about it for a bit.
We're about half way through passing the group when that same girl gestures to me, then points to the ground.
"Hey it looks like you dropped something"
"Oh what? What was it?"
"My number"
"k"
Then I just walked off. I was completely confused, I had no idea as to what she meant. About 20 seconds later my friends look at me, freak out for a moment, then said "dude she totally just used a pick up line on you". I was kicking myself for the rest of our 5 hour exploration expedition.
FrankieSucks: If a girl being interested in you is a once in a lifetime moment, you should consider reevaluating your life choices.
[deleted]: Maybe he meant a girl using a pickup line? dunno
Sasquatch5: Yeah that's what I meant. I'm not new to women being interested in me, but pickup lines seem very rare.
FrankieSucks: Valid.
| 5 | 30 | |
1390274950 | 1390690370 | t3_1vqdhs | t5_2to41 | 17 | ydoowoody: TIFU by installing a new gauge bezel in my car.
So, I have a 1966 mustang that was gifted to me by my great uncle about 6 years ago. My dad and I have been restoring it for the past couple years and it just became more "my project" as of lately. I also ordered a bunch of parts for Christmas and have started to slowly put things together. Last week was door-panels/visors/armrests and this week was going to be the gauge bezel. I had put off the install because it wasn't necessarily a 5 min ordeal.
Last night, I disassembled most everything. I took the gauge cluster apart and cleaned the housing/lens along with general maintenance. By now, it's getting pretty dark out and decided I would continue tomorrow(today). Here's where things got interesting. I start getting things together and hooking up the different wires one at a time and ensured everything was exactly how it was in the pictures I took prior. I put the screws back in and stand back to admire my work.
Now, time to reconnect the battery and start her up. The dash started to fucking smoke! In a panic, I sit there for several seconds viewing my fuck up. I soon realize "hey! Should probably kill the power" and queue me making a mad dash to unplugging the battery. Battery disconnected, I look back at the car and the interior is flooded with smoke. I open the doors and begin unscrewing the bezel to see the extent of the damage. Beyond the smoke, I see that some wires are singed and burnt. Well...shit. There goes a hundred bucks at least. I call my dad, let him know, and go inside the house to wait for his help.
It turned out that I had wired the power for the gauges up to the ground connection and fried the wire and a regulator. Maybe only a $30 repair but still. Overall, scary shit seeing my pride and joy smoke like a burning building. At least I didn't shit myself though...
TL;DR: Improper use of power nearly burned my baby.
Splashonda: Get a wiring diagram for you car! Many old cars have the wiring all messed up, so even if it works as it was, it may have not been the correct way for it to be! That way you can assure that the wiring is well done!
Got any pics of the Stang? I love those little beasts :)
ydoowoody: Here's the new [album](http://imgur.com/a/EI6Dm) : 1st picture is a before and towards the end there's some after pictures if you don't want to see everything
mgearliosus: That looks lovely.
One question formed in my head.
Did you add a subwoofer between the two rear 6x9s? Or is that something else?
ydoowoody: Which picture? I have a sub to do that but it's not in yet.
mgearliosus: It was in the one where you're outside and you can see the rear of the car.
Under the rear window there are two 6x9's and a large black circle between them.
ydoowoody: Oh, that's the stock speaker hole. Originally the car only had 1 speaker and having even 2 was an options. The two holes where the speakers are now were cut to fit the new style speakers.
mgearliosus: Ahh, one in the front and one in the back kind of deal?
I thought about putting a subwoofer there for my Lancer but then I realized that it would be a horrible idea since I have no idea what I'm doing and it would probably do something very bad.
| 8 | 2.125 | |
1390287933 | 1390389502 | t3_1vquov | t5_2to41 | 43 | spirit_of_vengeance: TIFU by farting on my girlfriend's leg
So it was past 19:00 and we just finished dinner. The food contained parts of eggs potatoes and beans. We had black sesame ice-cream for desert.
We really like to cuddle and as a dude i really enjoy a womans warmth in the night hours. We started to lay down om the couch in the spooning position. Life is good!
Then i noticed that my intestines starts rumbling ready for gassy discharge. I keep it under control because i am a master of my own body!
My gf starts to tickle me on the sides all of the sudden. Totally unexpected!
Then i could feel a warm feeling moving from my belly to the anus, it felt really good. I realised it was the fart ready to come out!
I struggle to release myself from the ticklemachine but it was already too late.
The fart has been released.......on her leg. There was so much gas that i couldnt controll it anymore. It was warm, almost fluid, and so smelly.
She looked at me, sniffed it and ran to the showers to clean herself while screaming: "You can sleep on the couch tonight!".
Tl;dr: never fart on your gf's leg
Sykotron: Was it playful joking or is it actually common for a girl to make you sleep on the couch after accidentally farting on them?
spirit_of_vengeance: I think the warmth and stink level was way to high......
bowmaster17: Over 9,000?
wrectangle: Over 9,000!?! There's no way that can be right!
bowmaster17: Hehehe
| 6 | 7.166667 | |
1390294123 | 1390358920 | t3_1vqzxr | t5_2to41 | 34 | Teddy_Raptor: TIFU by falling asleep at a stoplight during rush hour traffic
This happened a few months ago.
I'm driving home after a long day. I'm so tired that I'm physically having trouble keeping my eyes open, but I had about five minutes left so I thought I was going to be fine. I had my music turned up all the way too. It was rush hour traffic in a very populated area of town, and right when I get up to the light, it turns red. I'm the second car of probably about 30+ behind me.
The warm air and rumble of the car makes me even more sleepy so I quickly flip the AC on...but it was too late. Before I know it I'm out. My head is back, and I'm asleep. It just happened. I woke up and looked in front of me. No car. Light red. How does that make sense? How can the car be gone and the light still be red? Oh shit, I realize. I **slept through a whole light cycle**. And not just a two lane road. This is a massive four way intersection with 6/7 minute cycles. I had my music up so loud that I couldn't hear the cars honking behind me. Oh my god I'm that guy, everyone probably hated me.
I still can't believe it happened.
TDLR: fell asleep while waiting at a stoplight and held up 30+ cars behind me
EDIT: Everyone calling me an asshole; it was a dick move driving tired, I understand that. I didn't have any incidences with swerving or anything before the stoplight. I'm not in a town where I can walk anywhere, it would take 25-30 minutes to get out of my neighborhood alone. I fucked up by driving anyway.
[deleted]: The biggest fuckup is driving tired, you are in charge of 2 tons of death and horsepower, you've **GOT** to be on the ball. No excuses "only 5 minutes left" is 5 minutes in which you can fall asleep while in motion and fucking kill someone. Fuck I'm glad I'm not even on the same continent as you.
EDIT: I like how people are downvoting me for calling out OP's shit life endangering behaviour, if you can condone this then you're a terrible example of a human being.
kruig: Your so much better off in a continent with a whole lot of other people driving tired.
[deleted]: I'm better off living in my small city with a vigilant police force and enough community spirit that people don't fucking get away with endangering people's lives because they couldn't be fucking arsed to walk home.
Teddy_Raptor: I live in a place where it would take four hours* to walk home. Suburbia United States
[deleted]: Is that literally days? Or does more than 10 minutes of walking constitute days?
EDIT: and if it is literally days of walking then you should have slept in your fucking car, you getting to your fucking bed is not so important that you need to put other people's lives in danger.
Teddy_Raptor: I'm sorry I exaggerated, I just looked it up on google. It would take a little more than 4 hours where I was coming from
[deleted]: So about 16 miles?
Teddy_Raptor: I was going off of google, it's 12 miles. So off your speed less than that 4 hours
[deleted]: Well I walked 3.64 miles in 58 minutes 57 seconds (from my phone exercise app) so about about 3 1/2 hours.
thejam15: Good for you please leave.
[deleted]: You've gone through all my comments in this thread and left a snide remark, fuck off you piss taking, no life, neckbeard, fedora wearing, cumstained weeaboo fucking prick.
thejam15: Ive commented on like two. On top of that look at your fuckin' post mate, you look like a troll. You may actually be. If you are getting so pent up over internet messages you need to go see someone.
[deleted]: oh fuck off you obese autistic twat.
thejam15: I just glanced at your comment history and I saw that you were having a bad day. I am sorry.
>I'm sorry, today has not been a good day whatsoever, I shouldn't have come on reddit at all, everything has made my blood boil today and have been taking it out on everyone.
[deleted]: 2014, not my year, at all.
thejam15: I am sorry man, I hope it gets better.
| 17 | 2 | |
1390293548 | 1390437030 | t3_1vqzic | t5_2to41 | 134 | [deleted]: TIFU by ripping my teachers hair
Hello reddit,
so as the title says I ripped my teachers hair. It was a normal school day, I was having one of my classes as usually. The teacher called me for an oral exam in front of the class. When i was walking towards the blackboard, I slipped on a wet spot and while falling, I grabbed teachers (female) hair. I don't know why, I guess it was reflex. She ran out of the classroom crying and screaming while I was just standing there with my fist full of her hair. Whole class was staring at me with their mouths open. I put the hair on teachers desk and walked out of the class and gone home. Now I'm here, writing this post and don't know what will happen next. I guess this was my last day at school.
EDIT: Sorry for my england, I'm not form english.
EDIT2: Hey guys, thanks for your responses :). So Yeah, the next day I came to school, i was called to the directors office. The teacher was waiting there, with a deadly look. I apologized for everything. They all understanded my panic, but I still have a problem. My behaviour grade is now lower. And btw. if you're wondering, no, I didn't see any bald spots.
Syren__: Wait oral exam? What?
Neoncoffee: An Oral Exam usually means you are given a topic, and you have to research it, write an essay on it, and share the essay, out loud, in front of the class.
Syren__: Oh wow I'm an idiot. For whatever reason I thought the teacher was playing dentist...
CowboyontheBebop: Twist: it was actually a dentistry class all along
| 5 | 26.8 | |
1390311397 | 1390360931 | t3_1vrd50 | t5_2to41 | 109 | GeneralSilence: TIFU by unloading the dish washer.
I was unloading the dish washer while watching tv. I was pretty distracted and was just randomly reaching down, picking up silverware without taking eyes off the tv. I reached down and felt a sharp stabing pain in my thumb. I looked down and one of the prongs of a fork was about 5cm up under my thumb nail. I quickly pulled back only to have blood squirt out all over the rest of the dishes. Needless to say my thumb hurts like nothing else and I had to re-wash most of the dishes.
Billybob_joe: Why do you put sharp objects in your dishwasher facing up?
Edit: Removed inappropriate language.
pandorasboxxxy: The "correct" way to put your silverware in the caddy is handle down, so the dirty water doesn't drain to the end you put in your mouth.
Billybob_joe: Oh I didn't think of that, We put ours handle up for safety.
Boumbles: what's more important, safety for your fingers or safety for your digestive system?
ductyl: Well, I like to pretend that my dishwasher actually *washes* my dishes. Tell me, do you put your glasses rim up as well, so that the "dirty" water doesn't drain to that part the goes in your mouth?
wrectangle: Of course then I can have a nice glass of water while I take out the dishes!
| 7 | 15.571429 | |
1390311528 | 1390341273 | t3_1vrd9d | t5_2to41 | 587 | hehyih: TIFU by hiding my money in a safe place
Ive always wondered if Id ever had a story that would warrent a TIFU post, today is that day. So im a musician and one of the things I do a lot of is street playing with my cello. Last year, I saved every tip that I made and kept it in a giant pretzel jar in wads of 100s. Eventually when I broke 2000 dollars, I swapped it for all hundreds, resulting in 20 100 dollar bills. I still live with my parents, and my mother told me to hide it somewhere safe in the house that wasnt in my room. This money was saved for myself as funds for a trip to another country.
In my laundry room, we have metal shelves that hold all our games, old computers, etc. You know, old back room stuff that sits there for years collecting dust. So we have this old backgammon set no one has used in over 15 years, so I figure its the perfect spot to hide my envelope of cash. And when I say no one has used it in 15 years, I mean its got 15 years worth of dust sitting on it. Well last night I go to take out a few bills and I come to notice all the games are gone. I ask my mother what happened to the backgammon set, and she says she took it to Goodwill. Now all the cash I made last year is gone and someone is getting a very special treat when they buy an old backgammon set.
**TLDR** Hid thousands of dollars in an old backgammon set, mother gives the game set away to Goodwill.
Edit: Damn yall are being harsh. I already said I fucked up what more do you want from me!!
[deleted]: Why didn't you just put the money in a bank account?
hehyih: i have money in bank accounts, most of it is. this was my like emergency nest egg that was supposed to be my like go money
catalinaerantzo: so why didn't you keep your emergency nest egg in a bank account? Im genuinely curious.
hehyih: im someone who likes keeping my money in multiple places. ive got money in different bank accounts for savings, spending, etc. this was the only place i had any cash stored. i dont trust having all my money in electronic form, but i guess that plan backfired
mankstar: The bank reforms from the Great Depression means your money is safe up to $250,000 you dingus
Corryvrecken: Only when the bank has $250,000 dingus. How well they pay you back when they're broke?
MKSLAYER97: As in the government will pay you back if something happens to the bank.
Corryvrecken: We would hope.
MKSLAYER97: No, I'm saying that was part of the New Deal. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Federal_Deposit_Insurance_Corporation If your bank goes bankrupt, then the government will give you back however much money you had in your account, up to $250,000 as of last year.
autowikibot: #####	
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*Here's a bit from linked Wikipedia article about* [***Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation***](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Federal%20Deposit%20Insurance%20Corporation) :
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>The **Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation** (**FDIC**) is a United States government corporation operating as an independent agency created by the Banking Act of 1933. As of January 2013, it provides deposit insurance guaranteeing the safety of a depositor's accounts in member banks up to $250,000 for each deposit ownership category in each insured bank. As of September 30, 2012 (2012-09-30)[update], the FDIC insured deposits at 7,181 institutions. The FDIC also examines and supervises certain financial institutions for safety and soundness, performs certain consumer-protection functions, and manages banks in receiverships (failed banks). The FDIC receives no congressional appropriations — it is funded by premiums that banks and thrift institutions pay for deposit insurance coverage and from earnings on investments in U.S. Treasury securities.
---
[^(**Related Picture**)](http://i.imgur.com/AkMh4ec.png)
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MKSLAYER97: wikibot, what is wikibot?
autowikibot: #####	
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*Me! I know me.*
| 13 | 45.153846 | |
1390308793 | 1390344799 | t3_1vrape | t5_2to41 | 1,046 | ModernVamp: TIFU by pranking my neighbour and almost getting arrested.
Reddit, today I fucked up. Majorly.
You see, my neighbourhood is pretty conservative (for context, I live in Australia). We know each other well enough to say hi and nod, but we're nowhere near street parties/BBQs level. Hell, I don't even know most of my neighbours' names. So I have absolutely no idea why I decided to play **the most stupid prank in the world** to my next door neighbour, a 40-year-old man living by himself. I figured, why not, he'd probably laugh, right? ^I ^was ^drunk.
He has this big welcome mat outside his door and I decided it would be fun to take this mat and return with the words "TO HELL" written underneath. So we creep over to his house and drag the bloody thing (it is fucking huge and heavy, feels like it's made of brick) over to our house. Well, it turns out that this guy has a fucking SECURITY SYSTEM connected to his front door (because his spare key is hidden somewhere around the mat) BECAUSE HE IS PART OF THE FEDERAL POLICE.
Now of course, he didn't know that we took it. And apparently, since he was working on a "number of important cases" at the time, he thought someone had deliberately and maliciously STOLEN HIS DOORMAT. He proceeds to watch security footage from his laptop, finds out it was us, and nearly BREAKS DOWN OUR DOOR because he was knocking so hard.
Eventually one of us gets the balls to open the door to him and he storms in and actually, I shit you not, CUFFS one of my roommates and gives us all a massive lecture about how this sort of thing is illegal and will not be tolerated.
(Obviously he then let my roommate go, because it was all a big fucking show of aggression).
tl;dr: never steal doormats, kids.
DTorakhan: Dude. He cuffed one of your roommates? I don't know how law and police power works down under, but that's a SERIOUS breach of protocol here; yeah, you stole his mat, but that's going waaay too far.
Shivved: Also he stormed in which is trespassing.
blaireau69: No, he had due cause. He was apprehending the criminal, he'd identified said criminal through CCTV footage that would be admissible as evidence. This is in Australia, not the USA.
Shivved: Ok it is good to know that in Australia you do not need search warrants. Even if you know for sure that he is the culprit then go to the courts get the warrent and do it properly.
who8877: Even in the US if he saw the guy once the door was open he wouldn't need a warrant to arrest him. He was literally in plain sight.
Shivved: Must be awesome cctv if he can get a perfect match from the camera to real person. Also twins and look alikes. Guys there is due process for a reason. If we abandon due process we live in a police state.
who8877: Lots of high-def CCTV systems out these days - and not even that expensive.
Shivved: Still doesnt give a off duty cop carpet rights to tresspass, threaten and assualt his neigbours.
SkranIsAngry: He didn't trespass, they opened the door, he saw stolen property, in plain sight, and made investigatory detentions. Please show me a federal crim law case where such actions, done in a similar circumstance, were not upheld in a US court of law.
Please blue book cite.
| 10 | 104.6 | |
1390323415 | 1390500430 | t3_1vrteq | t5_2to41 | 329 | The-Bees-Trees: TIFU By being horny on snapchat.
So this just happened. I was dirty talking the GF by texting since she is in class. Probably not the smartest idea. She asked for a picture and I obliged by using snapchat. This is where things go bad. In my haste to send the picture i added it to my snapchat story for all my friends to see. The only thing i knew to do was delete all of my friends and wait 24 hours. What a fuck up.
orgazmo1009: Snap chat is gay.
SuperToaster93: Yeah it is.
Using snapchat to send and receive dirty pictures with girls and shit is gay as fuck.
orgazmo1009: Its called get a life thats what it is. Go see the girl, use actual text messages. why the hell would someone use additional program for texting when its already included in all current market phones? Oh it deletes the picture? well then that is even more pointless. I make fun of all my friends who use it cause its stupid as hell. Just like twitter.
SuperToaster93: You are so cool for shunning apps and social networks, I bet your friends must really like you.
And for the record, some of us are seeing people who we cant just walk around down the street and see, and some of us are busy. You know, with our lives? oh but no, sorry I cant have one because I use snap chat to have a little fun, fuck me and everyone else for using something you dont eh?
I guess we are all stupid cunts then.
It must be great having so much time to sit there and be angry and annoyed at "additional programs" that you dont have to use and have zero impact on your life.
How about you use that time to take a look at yourself and figure out that "hey, I'm actually a bit of a cunt for judging people and thinking I'm better then them because I refuse to conform"
You aren't smart or cool for not using snap chat, and the fact you have the cheek to sit there and say "people who use snap chat have no lives" is one of the most pathetic things Ive ever heard.
"Snap chat is gay" This sentence alone speaks volumes, I mean clearly its an attempt at trolling, I mean seriously and I dont have a life? Anyone who is as far up their own ass as you cant be getting laid especially when you are that immature and petty about a fucking app on a phone.
I mean I think it is pointless but I don't go around being a little shit about it because who cares? No one wants to listen to some jumped up bellend who thinks he is better then everyone who uses an app.
I use it sometimes with chicks. And I can't complain. And why would I.
We get it you are jealous, chill out and stop taking life so seriously.
Sort out your priorities mate, and fix that attitude of yours.
Get over yourself, before your friends do.
Because no girl or friend is going to go for some one who acts this pathetically and petty over something so mundane.
orgazmo1009: I wish i had the time to read all that since you took the time to type it but unfortunately for you i have a life and not enough time to read it or give it a proper response Im sure it really deserves.
SuperToaster93: Thanks for proving my point.
orgazmo1009: If you say so.
SuperToaster93: Sorry are you still replying? I thought you had a life and no time for responses?
orgazmo1009: You done yet?
SuperToaster93: Still going?
orgazmo1009: yup
SuperToaster93: What a life you must lead.
orgazmo1009: Coming from someone who hasn't had a job in 3 years makes sense.
SuperToaster93: Why would that make my life boring, I still get money.
I just love the fact you said you didn't have time to respond because you are busy with your life, yet here we are, still going.
orgazmo1009: Money? who said anything about money? The truth comes out.
Yeah its hard to take 10 seconds to respond to a dumbass such as yourself.
SuperToaster93: Personally I dont care what people do with their lives, clearly it bothers you enough otherwise you wouldn't have spouted all that shit about how using an app makes you have no life.
Life is what you make of it, who are you to say otherwise? I may not have a job, but if you know why if you have been being a little snoop and going through my comments, so who are you to judge? I still get paid and I still get laid, and that's all that matters to me right now.
I gave you sound advice but you thought you were clever by saying you didn't read it, yet you are still being strung on by me, and still reading my shit, so who is the dumbass now.
orgazmo1009: Im sorry did you type all that again thinking id read it?
| 18 | 18.277778 | |
1390323375 | 1390332531 | t3_1vrtcb | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by sucking my own dick.
So, um. I don't know how to tell this story.
I got really bored one day with my normal masturbation routine. Now, being as I'm rather flexible and I have a rather large dick, I decided, "What the heck?" I had talked to some of my friends who are girls who said it really wasn't that bad. So I bent over as far as I could and opened my mouth. After about 30 seconds, I managed to get the head in my mouth. I closed my mouth and since I just barely got it in my mouth, I just played with it with my tongue. It was one of the most amazing feelings ever, but after I finished, I felt morally wrong. I still haven't fully mentally recovered from this scarring occurrence, and I doubt I ever will.
leedade: You finished in your own mouth?
baconman4761: I didn't want to. It just kinda happened.
darthjammer224: thats what they all say
baconman4761: It was pretty yummy.
darthjammer224: i hope you are joking
| 6 | 1.5 | |
1390333196 | 1390367587 | t3_1vsaa8 | t5_2to41 | 14 | laofoo: TIFU by "Young Eli"
I've decided to start sharing the stories of my little brother Eli. He loves saying that he's an adult, he just turned 18. Hopefully this is the right place to post these, if not, a point in the right direction would be nice.
*Be Eli, age 18
*borrow brother's car to go pay unpaid tickets
*driving with no license out with friends drinking and smoking
*i'm messed up, i should pull over here in this church parking lot
*fall asleep in church parking lot
*update*---> was with a girl in the car, cops take her home and put his ass in jail. LOOOOOL
*cops pull up, no form of ID and warrants get arrested
*alerts family - mom flips shit
*bailed out
*next day
*hang out with friends having fun
*doesn't drive
*friend gets pulled over
****update*** ---> pulled the car over in a neighborhood to smoke. Neighborhood of a cop, he just got off from work and noticed the car was out of place with a bunch of dumb asses in it.
*checks everyone's IDs
*get arrested again the next fucking night
*[mfw](http://www.troll.me/images/jackie-chan-whut/are-you-serious.jpg)
*alerts family - mom flips ultra shit, says he's sleeping in the backyard
*mom leaves him in there for a night
*[Young Eli](http://imgur.com/A4q2ROM)
I'll see him later and get details. Luck usually isn't on his side. I'll make sure to transcribe what happens when he gets home later to explain things to our mother. Should be great.
CarlosIHernandez: Fresh off 4chan? That's some greentext-esque story telling
Hawkeye7696: I was about to say that.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1390344599 | 1390416531 | t3_1vsu1h | t5_2to41 | 46 | DatThrowaway2299: TIFU by getting high.
This happened a few months ago, but I didn't know about this subreddit until recently. Here we go.
A few months back I was just getting off a double shift at work when my mother informed via text that she would be gone for the night and My sister would also be gone at her boyfriend's. "Perfect!" I thought. "I'll grab some Wendy's on the way home, smoke it up, and have a chill night." If only it went like that. I ran upstairs real quick to set my paper sack of delicious food on my desk, and to grab my weed, then back downstairs and through the garage door to the backyard where my smoking spot was.
Commence smokage. It took pretty long (I had my bowl packed way too high. I hadn't smoked too much at this point, so I should have taken it easy.) So, long after I was already high, I was just finishing up my bowl. After all the bits of green were gone I dumped it out, scraped what residue I could off and headed inside.
Wait. Shit.
THE DOOR TO THE INSIDE OF MY GARAGE WAS FUCKING LOCKED.
I just stood there, frozen, trying to get my head on straight. I had forgotten to bring my phone or keys with me. Didn't really think I'd need them. (I'd used this door many times, and it's never done this. My mom or someone must have locked it at some point) I checked every entrance to the house. Sliding Glass door? Locked. Front door? Locked. Garage code? Battery Dead.
I leaned against the siding, just panting, scared coming to the realization that I WAS LOCKED OUTSIDE OF MY OWN HOUSE ALONE WHILE HIGH.
With a million thoughts racing through my mind I decided there was no way I would be sleeping outside. "Fuck that". I think I said something like that out loud. (Among many other things) A few more minutes of expert level thinking, and I decided the only way to get in would be to break down the back garage door. It wasn't ideal, but it was all I had.
So I stood back and looked at the metal door with nothing to guide me but the moonlight. I started counting down in my head.
3. "Oh my god"
2. "Holy shit"
1. RRAAAGHH
And with all my might, I plunged into the door with my left shoulder. The next thing I knew, I was laying on the floor inside my garage.
I did it. I was in.
But the brief moment of victory was diminished when I realized that I just broke down a door, and I would have to explain this soon enough, which caused the WORST PARANOIA OF MY LIFE.
For the rest of the night I couldn't breathe, and I couldn't enjoy anything. I tried to eat my Wendy's (Which was cold and dry at this point) Couldn't do it. Tried listening to music. Couldn't hear it over the voices in my head telling me how much I fucked up. Then I ended up puking 3 times because I was just so scared out of my mind. I was finally able to get to sleep a few hours later.
When I woke in the morning I wasn't as freaked out (Obviously) but the situation still kinda sucked. My Mom was home by the time I got out of bed, and instead of lying I decided to accept a loss and tell her everything. To my surprise, she wasn't too upset. all she asked was that I fix the door.
So all in all, that was the worst night of my life. In the end, everything turned out fine, but the consequences for stupidity aren't nice.
TL;DR: I smoked too much weed and locked myself outside. Had to break a door down. Got paranoid. puked alot.
haminacup: Why didn't you just tell her you got locked out... ya know, sober?
DatThrowaway2299: Because I couldn't think of a reason why I'd need to use that door without my phone or keys, and not sound suspicious.
JimmyCrackCrack: Ah I've been there. It helps if smoking tobacco is a lesser evil, than you can admit to doing that instead and thusly explain why you'd been there covertly but not have to admit to an otherwise more compromising revelation.
| 4 | 11.5 | |
1390347315 | 1390421738 | t3_1vsyni | t5_2to41 | 118 | Rager133: TIFU by masturbating between phone calls
I was chatting with my friend on the phone when after about 30 minutes of talking she said that she had to go do homework so we hung up but she said that she would call me back when she is done. After another 30 minutes I figured that maybe it would take a while for her to finish, and I was getting quite bored. Being home alone and not having masturbated for two or three days, I decided to go at it.
About three fourths of the way through my fap I notice my phone on the table ringing, she's calling me back. I was busy at the moment and about to finish, so I decided to deny the call.
Stupid decision, I should've let it go to voicemail. Through my haste and movement I had accidentally pressed "answer".
About 5 seconds passed before I realized I was on the line with her and all she could hear was the porn going off on my computer. I was so close to finishing but I flip out, slam everything and mute the computer. To cover myself up I said something along the lines of "god damn pop up! This computer is so shitty; sorry I'm trying to fix my brothers computer, Jesus.." And she kinda gave a nervous laugh and an "ooookay"
She didn't see, but she heard, whether or not she knows, *I* don't know. It was really embarrassing and quite a blood rush, and to make things worse I stayed on the line, so not only did I get a real embarrassment shock I got slightly blue balls. Goddamnit.
Agent_545: There is absolutely no way she doesn't know.
>To cover myself up I said something along the lines of "god damn pop up! This computer is so shitty; sorry I'm trying to fix my brothers computer, Jesus.."
That's like Vogel/McLovin level bad.
Rager133: Which is why I'm here on /r/TIFU.. *shrug*
Agent_545: Can't argue with that. Hmm.
| 4 | 29.5 | |
1390348373 | 1390353590 | t3_1vt0fz | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling a friend i like them more then a friend
Im 16 and male she is same but female
* (Background, you dont have to read but just for some context)we have been friends for some time and then it gt complicated we became more then friends almost immidietly it got out of control and then we hated each other. well later on we became friends again. ans somehow all those feeling begun to come up again and i kinda suppressed them
* (the Scenario).So today we went out to starbucks had some coffee, funny conversations adn then we went out because she had to take a bus to get home. there were no peoole around it was really cold so i put my arm around her looked her inthe eyes and....
* (TIFU PART)- say "you know(lets call her mary) marry can i be honest with you" merry- "sure whats on your mind" "well truthfully i am again feeling very attractied to you" AND THEN IT WENT DOWN HILL FROM THERE
tl;dr- re read the tittle and know that it didint work out and i felt really dumb
* the after math- there was no screaming and she did not find it creepy or anything and in theory we are still "cool" and are "friends"
milessycamore: > we are still "cool" and are "friends"
Stop being her friend if you want to be with her romantically... this doesn't compute for women and never will...
She will respect it if you're honest and tell her this. Just say:
> I really respect you and like being around you BUT, my feelings are what they are so I don't think its a good idea that we stay just friends when I want something more. Its *unfair* for me to mislead you into believing I'm truly your friend when I'm only doing so in hopes that you'll give me more.
That's the truth. If there's any chance you have with her in the future... its going to be because you're NOT friends... girls don't date their friends... (unless they are desperate... if that were the case, it wouldn't have been a TIFU moment... it would have been success kid)
SleepIsForTheDead: Or he could try actually just being her friend instead of trying to get in her pants. He already knows that's going down a road that will end in misery.
milessycamore: He's a guy who likes a girl... its unlikely he'll be able to compartmentalize and will save himself some time if he just lets it go... politely... but its not fair to her (him *acting as if* instead of genuinely feeling friendship), him (he'll be holding back and not allowing himself emotional availability) AND, any other girl he gets involved with (because he'll secretly like the other girl still).
I'm not saying my solution is the perfect one... just the most likely to keep drama to a minimum
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1390348268 | 1390367575 | t3_1vt09u | t5_2to41 | 479 | JROBiGMONEY: TIFU by opening Google Docs for a presentation. (NSFW?)
I'm a HS junior in a college class with about 36 of my high school peers, and so this week we have speeches on books of our choice. Accompanying our lovely speeches we must have a one page slide show with the authors' book and photo. Lovely, get right on it. Jurassic Park it is.
Finish it up last night, great fucking book I might add, practice speech a few times, and check all of my facts. Everything's all good, go to sleep. Wake up, go to make speech during the last 2 hours of the day. (same classroom, 2 hours)
The guy in front of me is taking forever, and the bell is about to go, He finishes up, everything is A-O-K. Got my Michael Crichton shit all ready, I'll make it fast. Quickly login to Google drive like every other sensible teenager in the room.
What I find is eye boggling. I honestly thought I was dreaming. On the projector is porn from three months ago, which I have no recollection of putting on my Google Drive. None, nada. But no, this isn't any regular porn. Heeelll no. I'm semi-closet gay, (ask and I'll tell you sorta thing) and this is possibly the biggest bara you can find, completely nude flashing his massive donger. (Think cartoon, but a 35 y/o guy with absolutely massive muscles, steroids all over.) I quickly scroll down to see if I can avoid this embarrassment before the projector has time to catch up, and find that I have even more states of this person getting undressed instead of my project.
>Fuck Fuck Fuckkity Fuckity Fuck.
quickly X out, and the bell rings.
"I shall be going tomorrow."
TLDR: Porn in the worst way possible.
Edit: Ya'll are some dirty creatures. [Here's](http://imgur.com/Os2E7MU) (NSFW-duh) something like it, but a little
more graphic. And It was only 60+ pictures. and I'm almost positive the entire class saw it, but nobody said anything.
PTyler129: Same thing happened to me, but with a video with an ex. She was kinda pissed off about it... real pissed off.
Nokia_Bricks: Do you feel like making her madder ^because ^^some ^^fap ^^^material ^^^^would ^^^^^be ^^^^^^nice ^^^^^^^:)
PTyler129: I don't have the video on this laptop (it was 5 years ago).
And she isn't technically "legal" per se.
brettliketrains: 5 years ago... And she wasn't 18 or still isn't 18? Jesus Christ man...
[deleted]: Maybe she was 17 at the time.
PTyler129: We have a winner.
| 7 | 68.428571 | |
1390357738 | 1390502427 | t3_1vtfxa | t5_2to41 | 24 | X-KHk1ng-X: TIFU by super gluing my fingers together
Today a few of my friends and I decided to play a game of wrap-up football. this is no big deal because we do this often. I make a play, get wrapped up and stop. But, unexpectedly, a flying spaz appears and jumps directly onto my face, breaking my glasses in the process. This isn't the first time my glasses have been broken. I decide that I should head home to fix them. When I get there I break out the trusty super glue to solve my dilemma, which had never been opened. On the inside of the cap is a little foil cover that seal me from the sticky menace. Me, being the genius I am, reason that a pencil should bust the seal. Well, the seal broke and within 3 seconds my fingers were glued to the pencil, glue tube, and each other. I spent 30 minutes soaking an scrubbing my hands and it's still not completely off.
TL;DR- Super glue is powerful
[deleted]: Use nail varnish remover
I once stuck my hand to my face, so you're not that stupid :P
blobber109: How the...
This *had* to be on purpose.
NarWhatGaming: or fall asleep on your hands
blobber109: Oh god...
| 5 | 4.8 | |
1390359645 | 1391116952 | t3_1vtizr | t5_2to41 | 3,056 | kaatie: TIFU by buying lingerie to surprise my boyfriend.
My boyfriend's birthday is next month, and hot-diggidy I'd really love to look smokin' for him to celebrate that shit. Went to Victoria's Secret, found a perfect corset with garters, lacey nonsense, the whole nine yards. Feels amazing. Let's buy this thing. Alas, no panties. Going to need some of those. Amazon it up. Buy me some crotch-less panties. While we're at it, let's look up some more stuff to buy.
I get two more corsets. Shit's going to look good.
I moved out of my parent's house in October. Plenty of time to change my default address on Amazon, right? You would think so. I shipped it all to my parent's house.
My dad, being an Amazon aficionado, didn't look at the name on the packages. He saw the Amazon Prime tape and just assumed he had ordered envelopes or whatever. He opened my packages and BEHOLD! LACY-ASS SEX PANTIES AND CORSETS AND HANDCUFFS, OH MY.
Oh shit is more like it.
My parents are pretty dang religious. They didn't think I was having sex. I got the "we need to talk," call. I'd really prefer to not talk to them about this.
**TL;DR: Bought lingerie. Accidentally shipped it to uber-religious parent's house. Father opened package(s).**
**UPDATE:** Went over between shifts yesterday. Just dad was home. He looked at me and said he didn't want to talk about it anymore than I did but he just wanted to make sure I was tasking the necessary precautions to prevent making a kaatie-BluthBanana anklebiter. Explained I was on birth control. Life is good. He didn't tell my mom about it (much to my surprise) and gave me my Amazon treasures. I didn't even have to threaten him with mail-opening felonies. Then I worked. Then I had sex. The end.
scrndude: The worst part is that at the end of the conversation you're going to have to go "So.... can I have my handcuffs now?"
Vinator: More like "So... can I have my ben wa balls, gag balls, handcuffs, lashes, ropes, duct tape, candle wax, berkley horse, sex wings, fisting slings, smotherboxes, pillories and stocks now, please?"
buddychiefpal: Y..you've.. done this before... haven't you?
Quackimaduck1017: i originally read their username as "violator" so yes.
chopstewey: Sure, just because YOU see something in someone's username, that means that's what they are? Check your privilege. I don't go around assuming you're a cracker fucker, do I? (are you?)
Quackimaduck1017: *sobs* YES I AM I'M SORRY
IF THE VIOLATOR WANTS TO HAVE KINKY SEX IT'S NOT MY BUSINESS *sobs*
ssjkriccolo: I thought your name said "fart in the duck"
I love that fucking song.
Biffingston: > fart in the duck
Wow... that was.. intresting.
Curse chrome's aiblity to look up anything you highlight in google.
ssjkriccolo: Every couple of years I have to watch the video. A gem of the Internet.
Biffingston: I"m just suprised I never heard of it. I've been on the meme bandwagon sence the internet was a thing, really.
ssjkriccolo: I don't think it was ever really a big thing. I had heard it from a Norwegian on irc about 8 years ago, so it may not have ridden the meme wave.
Which is also why I like to go back to it. It's one of the internet's hidden gems.
Biffingston: Even without the "Misunderstood lyrics" aspect it's surreal and nonsensical. I woul've thought the internet would lap it up like a kitten lapping up creme.
Oh well, thanks for showing me it regardless.
ssjkriccolo: I remember the whole thing came up because someone was explaining how everyone mixed up Dutch, Norwegian, and Swedish. One thing led to another and someone posted this. If I recall properly this meme came out the same time the oh really owl came out.
| 14 | 218.285714 | |
1390361716 | 1390362424 | t3_1vtmez | t5_2to41 | 36 | [deleted]: TIFU (similar to another post) by not understanding how snap chat works
So this just happened 15-30 minutes ago. I went to /r/dirtysnapchats and got the snapchat username of a girl, I sent her a non explicit picture just double checking and then i get a picture of her doing the sexy stuff, I take a picture of my unmentionables and here is where things go really bad. Not understanding how stories work yet, put it in my story, THEN I realized how it works. What I had wanted to do was put a couple pics together and send it to the /r/dirtysnapchats girl, fuck my life. So now there is a picture of my dick on snap chat stories. Fuck. I frantically try to fix it and finally find the customs menu where i quickly block all my friends, my boner is down at this point and my heart it pounding and I'm shaking, i go and take a shower, when i come back my female friend from back in high school (I'm a college freshman) had texted me asking (and i quote) "WHY DID YOU SNAP CHAT YOUR PENIS TO ME?" fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck heart is pounding again, I didn't block it in time, I quickly spill out a major apology (lots of "so's" and "sorry's") explaining how i didn't understand how stories work. She said it was ok, and to be more careful and "no more dick pics"
The worst part is this was a good friend of mine, I'd known her since 5th grade and she is part of my close group of friends from high school
Fuck my life
Cramson: You can delete your my story...
gandalfv31415: HOW?!
edit: nvm, found it
| 3 | 12 | |
1390359178 | 1390501651 | t3_1vti8r | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU by slightly moving my brother's speaker
So, I did something stupid today.
We're waiting for our niece and nephew to come home, and we have a small pointless argument about "who should go unlock the door."
I told him that if he didn't do it, I would move something in his room. I did just that. I slightly (literally, a few centimeters) moved his speaker.
Hours later, I hear him scream out my name is this loud ass voice. He looks at me with sheer evil in his eyes. He's yelling like a madman, and I'm genuinely terrified.
But you know, I put a blank expression. He gets so angry that he decides to punch the damn door.
And now, there's a huge crack in the wooden door. And Dad's coming home soon.
My brother's fucking crazy. And I mean that in a bad way.
**TL;DR: Pissed off brother by moving speaker a few centimeters, he punched a hole in my door. Dad's going to kill us.**
Moonreaver: Yeah that's some deadly OCD if you make his peas and mashed potatoes touch... He .... Could.... Kill.......you.........
sfg627: OP's username tho...
skatterbug: OP deleted, what was the user name?
sfg627: I think it was 'pissedoff_OCD'... Something along those lines...
skatterbug: Makes sense. Thanks bro.
| 6 | 3.5 | |
1390356655 | 1390390190 | t3_1vte4f | t5_2to41 | 47 | siberianmgmt: TIFU by loosing my brand new 3,200 dollar guitar
So I play jazz guitar and am seeing this as a career opportunity, and I've been saving a lot, selling my guitars, other stuff and working to get this new [guitar](http://www2.gibson.com/Products/Electric-Guitars/ES/Gibson-Memphis/ES-335-Dot-Figured-Gloss.aspx) for the past year. I finally got to the point where I could afford it two weeks ago and bought it. I have in a long time been a little down, and this guitar turned everything positive, I started to practise all day instead of two or three hours. I have never been at such a stable state of satisfaction for so long.
It was a better time. It was a simpler time.
Back a couple hours. I am staying very late at my school so I could practise, when my friend who plays the piano calls me and ask me to a weekday-late jam session. That's nice. We smoke a joint, play some tunes and take the train home. When I get off the train I walk and listen to music for an hour or so, when I realise there is no guitar in my hand. I panic, call the train service hotline thing and ask them if they can get in contact with the guy running the train, other stuff and so on. After an hour of search they don't find it, so I return home.
So here I am now. Home and NOT sleeping. I can't describe this feeling, but it is intense. I am actually praying to god right now, I don't know what the fuck is going on. Shitlorddickfuck I need this out of my system.
EDIT: IT TURNED UP! I had name, phone number and email address in the case and a guy called me last night. Wt met this morning, he gave me the guitar and I gave him three bottles of wine.
keeber1: do you have the serial number of the guitar saved? (i hope so).
get in contact with local pawn shops so they know to keep an eye out for it. scour craigslist too.
siberianmgmt: Yes, I have
| 3 | 15.666667 | |
1390372357 | 1390449512 | t3_1vu0x2 | t5_2to41 | 12 | HandOfBl00d: TIFU by making dragon eggs
Oh my god I have made a huge mistake. I made armadillo and dragon eggs for dinner (http://www.reddit.com/r/Cooking/comments/1vcym4/scotch_eggs_armadillo_eggs_and_dragon_eggs/ if you aren't familiar with it). It was pretty good, overall satisfied, but holy shit I totally forgot about the jalapenos and habaneros and what they do to other parts of your body.
I just settled down for the night and decided to jerk it before I went to sleep. Awful idea. Apparently I didn't get all the residue off of my fingers and now my dick head is on fire. Please help. IT BURNNSSSSSSS
xeroslash: Dunk it in milk
wrectangle: Dunk you dick in sugar/lemon juice
| 3 | 4 | |
1390383623 | 1390420639 | t3_1vua37 | t5_2to41 | 190 | AkatsukiXeno: TIFU by bringing in my gaming laptop to school for a presentation instead of my school laptop
I am generally a smart man. I keep all my porn hidden away in a maze of folders, and my browser history normally stays pretty clean, just in case.
but oh boy here's the kicker
My crappy school laptop was dead, and it being 7:00 AM I decide to be an all around rebel and take in my behemoth of a gaming laptop for my physics presentation. What could go wrong right hahahaHAHAha
I get to class, connect my laptop to the projector, exchange a few witty comments with my classmates about how badly I was going to fuck up (oh boy), and was all ready to lay down some fucking science
But my brain forgot that the last time I'd used my laptop was when it decided to go restart and install an update, which interrupted a rather intense spanking session I was having with myself; no biggie, right, just open up chrome and ignore the prompt to re-open your last sess- HAHA JUST KIDDING HERES THE FOUR SEPARATE PORN TABS YOU HAD OPEN
Oh, the majesty. The pure spectacle. The tab that was open in question was rather enlightening, and might I add had a rather high rating on Motherless - so I know that everyone in my class was gazing in pure awe.
At a super fat Latina girl getting anally destroyed
fuck
At least it wasn't the japanese girls making out with each other in the tab across
and also peeing
i am not a smart man
tl;dr - Brought in my gaming laptop to school, instead of everyone seeing projectile motion perfectly explained they saw a bbw latina getting drowned in semen
edit: I never mentioned the consequences, which were 3 days OSS to 'think about my actions'
Whoops
ramen_king: Why didn't you check if everything was okay before you connected to the projector. I just discovered this subreddit and it seems many people do this!
AkatsukiXeno: Because apparently I'm a fucking idiot
Roadkill689: > exchange a few witty comments with my classmates about how badly I was going to fuck up
I hope you at least looked at your classmates and said "told you I'd fuck up" in front of the class.
AkatsukiXeno: fuck
starwarsian: You're just missing out on all the possible saves here mate...
| 6 | 31.666667 | |
1390368749 | 1390445152 | t3_1vtwne | t5_2to41 | 64 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally showing my friend my gay porn collection.
I recently built a new computer and was super proud of my accomplishment. First things first, I downloaded my entire gay porn stash onto my computer, and left it as is under pictures, not hidden or anything. Later today my friend came over. My desktop is real nice looking and my friend commented on it. For some reason I thought it was a good idea to show him how easy it was to switch to a different desktop and started scrolling through the pictures in my folder, but I had accidentally selected the wrong box and it started scrolling through all my different pic folders, landing on my porn collection and quickly zooming back to my regular desktop. It was only a second of exposure, but for one brief moment the desktop was a picture of a naked man with his dick in between is own ass.
It was an incredibly brief moment, but I have no idea whether or not he noticed and I'm way too scared to confront h about it, especially because I'm still closeted.
I can't stop cringing to myself and I don't know how I'm going to sleep tonight, I fucked up big.
CoolCheech: What year is it? Why do people still keep porn on their computers? Serious question.
pesanze: If you get your stuff from private trackers, you are surely not going to watch your porn on redtube or shit like that
CoolCheech: Explain to me what "private trackers" are. I may need to invest in a larger hard drive.
Proc31: They are private invite only torrent networks to ensure quality seeding and quality content, they normally have heavy moderation on what you can or can't upload and force you to keep at a certain upload/download ratio.
CoolCheech: So basically if grainy porn from free sites is good enough for me I don't have to worry about it. Is this right?
LuxNocte: Correct.
I thought you said "granny porn" at first. The best thing about private trackers is that they have a much better selection of high quality or niche fetishes that are more difficult to find on free sites.
| 7 | 9.142857 | |
1390397306 | 1390425209 | t3_1vuk4o | t5_2to41 | 32 | [deleted]: Tifu in a hot spring
Well I didn't fuck up today but I did when I was 10, real hard. So I'm on a trip heading to a hot spring in Japan, aka a place where men and women separate into two different large bathing areas, completely nude because hey, they are A okay with it.
By this point you may be gathering ideas but here's some extra context, I was very shy around strangers during this time and I was on a trip with 3 other women; mother, older sister and an aunt with a nice rack, I mean it, really nice pair of naturals that were huge.
Mind (shyness) over matter (body), I begged my mother if I could stay with them in the women's bath because loner feels.
So there you have it, as soon as I entered that hot and misty room which added some erotica (ngl) and gazed upon my aunt with those prepubescent eyes of mine, let's just say my 'nose' started to pour blood like fucking Niagara falls and everyone including my aussie family noticed as if a massacre had occurred in front of me.
I barely visit my relatives anymore but ye I screwed up.
Tl;dr - rocked the boner after seeing my milf of an aunt with family and strangers around, all of us nude ofc.
two_bit_trevi: I don't get it...how does your nose bleeding signify a boner?
Drpoppler: Some peoples noses bleed From erections
bearses: Well, not literally.
| 4 | 8 | |
1390404399 | 1390407297 | t3_1vuszq | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU thanks to Macklemore
ThatsNotGucci: ... How did she react to that?
That's... Pretty bad.
stln00b: She's unhappy with me, but she knows me well enough to know that it wasn't said to be mean. So we'll be fine...eventually. :-/
| 3 | 1 | |
1390416200 | 1390431404 | t3_1vvcex | t5_2to41 | 52 | Saikoqi: TIFU by taking DXM
So I went out this afternoon to smoke a couple blunts and chill for a while. Me and my friend had been wanting to try dxm for a long time now and we thought this were the perfect opportunity as I had some in my bag from the doctors visit a couple weeks ago. Anyways we both did quite a lot and I was pretty damned nervous at first but as i eased into the trip I felt more and more at one with myself and away from my physical being. The trip was pretty dope cause i think it put a lot of things into perspective for me, since I recently got expelled and didn't really know what to do with my life.
Anyways throughout the whole trip i was without my knowledge relaxing my butthole muscles and I had really loose butthole I couldn't feel for a number of hours. Now that I have sobered up my asshole really hurts and is has loose and relaxed as it's default state, I have to genuinely make an effort to return my asshole to its original tight and not painful state. Every time I do it I lose concentration after a while and it gets loose and painful again :(
tl;dr : I took a bunch of dxm and now I have a loose and painful asshole
Moose_Hole: Check your friend's dick for your poop.
chesticleez: Zackly what I was thinking.
Ampvamp: Yep. First thought.
| 4 | 13 | |
1390423288 | 1390555985 | t3_1vvpho | t5_2to41 | 761 | best2ndaccountever: TIFU by posting secret content on Reddit.
Using my throwaway for a very good reason.
I can't tell you any details but I think you will get the picture.
I got informations about a product that comes out in sometime in the next few months and I was very excited because I already have it. I was told that I am allowed to talk about it because it close to the release date. They didn't said anything about Reddit... I posted it with every single information on Reddit and even mentioned where I got the infos from. I don't really know what I was thinking at that moment. I am so retarded. At the next day I get a call from the guy I got the product from and he yells at me that I should delete my stuff because the HQ from Japan just called him and is about to fire him. I deleted my Reddit post and all the informations but deleting the Imgur pictures wasn't that easy because I uploaded it in the offline mode. A few hours and many calls later with some really big fishes from that billion dollar worth company the pics are out of the net and I am about to get sued with a few million dollars I cost that company. I am so fucked up. The post wasn't even up for 24 hours and the CEO has seen it after 3 hours. It wasn't even a default sub.
I might answer some questions but not if you ask about any details. The company was actually very nice if you consider what I've done... Somehow they understood it.
EDIT: Once again Reddit showed me that it is awesome. Thanks for the nice word and telling me that there is hope for me. I think I got it by now. No NDA -> No payment.
[deleted]: Yikes.
I also work for a company where we see highly anticipated products way before they're even leaked. I also hangout in a subreddit where people speculate about the new product. It's hard for me not to talk about it sometimes. I have to be very vague.
austin101123: What subreddit?
[deleted]: /r/android. I try to avoid it these days and just lurk though. I'm an android nerd... And have the inside scoop.. Gotta stay quiet.
austin101123: Ah, can you say for what company?
[deleted]: It's probably best not to. But for the sake of your curiosity, I will say: probably all of them.
TrashTongueTalker: Google, I presume.
austin101123: Could be Motorola. I would think it is Motorola. Or LG. They seem to have a lot more anticipated products than Google that would be on /r/android.
naughtytarp: Most likely a component manufacturer. Samsung for instance has parts in tons of phones, even iPhones.
Vakieh: Moster likely a Q.A. and/or compliance testing facility - they get literally all the companies' toys a whole Christmas early.
[deleted]: Bringo
best2ndaccountever: B**r**ingo?
lopegbg: Bringo
best2ndaccountever: Ahhh Bringo
| 14 | 54.357143 | |
1390426076 | 1390431704 | t3_1vvun3 | t5_2to41 | 26 | uncledangerdick: TIFU by conjuring the Dark Lord Gmormok, eater of worlds
Goldgemknight: You done fucked up.
Jiveturtle: AAron.
Now get your ass down to O'Shaq Hennessy's office.
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1390431531 | 1390487061 | t3_1vw4i9 | t5_2to41 | 315 | ImPlayingTheSims: TIFU by getting drunk while staying with a kind friend
I am in a new city and an old highschool friend is letting me stay with him for a month while I get on my feet.
His girlfriend lives with him too. Its a small apartment. They are doing well for themselves I think.
Well, I'm beginning to understand that I am an alcoholic. Well, last night proves it really.
We like to have a beer from time to time and watch Twin Peaks.
Well, last night I got buzzed, then drunk, then proceeded to take a glass of their liquor from the freezer at like, 3am.
Apparently I drunk dialed a bunch of people and sang along to some of my favorite tunes at 5am-ish.
I wake up at 1pm today, hung over, then the reality of what happened sinks in. I get up to find my friend who tells me that they have hidden all the liquor.
He hasnt kicked me out, but his girlfriend is going to stay with her mother for the next few days.
I am mortified. I am disgusted with myself. I dont know how badly I screwed up just yet. My friend said he isnt angry, but I feel like he should be.
Its a bad way to start out a new life in a new city.
breadandfaxes: I'm an alcoholic, and I can say you're not.
I stole a bottle of wine today whilst buying a 40oz so that I could get drunk. By myself.
I stole 4 bottles of wine yesterday so that I could get drunk by myself.
I've drank rubbing alcohol diluted with water to get drunk.
I've also been diagnosed with ADD and Severe Depression. (Before the comments come in about me being a piece of shit and blah blah blah first world problems), you don't know how it is.
I wake up wanting a drink. My medicine helps, but I have not had a day without a drink since December 3rd.
You're fine dude.
inc0nceivable: You absolutely cannot know based on what he posted that he's not an alcoholic. If alcohol is effecting his life in a negative way then he's probably an alcoholic. You're a severe case.
Hope you get help, I really do. That's a miserable way to live and you deserve better. You're medication is probable rendered useless because of drinking, also. Please try to get into a program.
Source: Alcoholic in recovery.
breadandfaxes: I won't be around for much longer, don't worry.
EnemyOfEloquence: Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You can change this.
| 5 | 63 | |
1390424911 | 1390509184 | t3_1vvsh7 | t5_2to41 | 20 | throwawayjohnny45225: TIFU by not checking my foreskin
So I had a morning class and walked back to the dorms in the freezing ass cold. Feel the need to relieve my self so I sit down on the can and let it go, only I didn't realize that my wang had retreated from the cold leaving naught but a shriveled cone of foreskin. I notice nothing at first until I look down and notice that there's more liquid on the floor than when I walked in, my foreskin had sprayed piss on the floor, on the back of my pants, and a bit on my jacket. I friggin bolt back to my room to change, and thank christ no one was in the hall to see my shame.
[deleted]: You drag the skin back bro before taking a piss, this is common knowledge!
another_mystic: Yea, isn't that rule one in the manual?
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1390435126 | 1390435877 | t3_1vwaq0 | t5_2to41 | 55 | Penguin10125: TIFU by dropping lots of small things into lots of small glass shards
Never thought I'd be here on TIFU, I guess that's my karma for laughing at posts here before.
Some background: I work at a high-end gear manufacturing company as an intern. Everything they make is expensive, everything they buy is expensive, and, imagine that, everything in the big glass display case is fucking expensive.
So there I was, cleaning the big glass shelves in the big glass display case (it was a slow day), which I should mention holds hundreds of intricate custom gears. When I said expensive, I meant expensive. I really shouldn't say, but uh *cough Bently cough* Mars Rover cough* Nascars cough* Space Station cough* just to give you an idea.
Intense glass cleaning, people.
Anyway. I go to put one of the shelves back in, and what is this? it doesn't fit. I flip it over. Still doesn't fit. I chuckle to myself and call the receptionist over, shes a pro at this crap. After the weird looks I get for my problem, she decides "I'll show this noob" and tries to wiggle it in. nope. It opens in a way that I can hold one end, and she the other, and we can work together. Oh I was so naive.
Somehow, this big glass shelf, perched precariously around and above other big glass shelves, worked out of both of our hands. I saw it in slow motion, the chaos was fantastic.
Millions of tiny glass shards (not tempered glass apparently) along with hundreds of tiny little gears fell down, breaking layer after layer of shelf and contents. Some of the gears weigh up to a pound (.45 Kilograms for the commies), with the 30+lb-ers on the floor, this added to the destruction.
I really lucked out, because not only was it not entirely my fault, but the head honcho and all the managers were gone by this time. Win!
Where I did not luck out, on the other hand, was that I now had to clean all that glass out, being mindful of the gears, some of which were barely a millimeter in width. I cleaned it mostly out, gave up, and went home. I should also mention that as far as I know, all of the contents of the shelves were fine, being metal and what not. But those shelves, man. ouch. Maybe people shouldn't use large untempered sheets of glass as shelves, and maybe I'm crazy. Either way, I'll be happy to escape with my job lol
LevyWife: damn, you got really lucky! that could've turned out a lot worse.
Penguin10125: I'm not sure if I mentioned this, but quite a few shelves broke here.
LevyWife: well, yeah, but what's more expensive, those shelves or the items on them?
Penguin10125: Def. the items lol good point
| 5 | 11 | |
1390438959 | 1390496366 | t3_1vwh0k | t5_2to41 | 43 | usernamejkly: TIFU by waking up early
Obviously a throwaway, a little backstory is I have a terrible habit of sleeping through my alarm. Last month I slept through my alarm and missed 3 hours of work and numerous phone calls from my boss so he had someone come in and cover my shift.
Yesterday, I woke up early. I was really excited, had a productive morning, cleaned the house ran some errands etc. I got home and plopped down to watch some tv. Next thing I know it's been 4 hours and I'm asleep on my couch 2 hours late for work with 3 missed calls, and 3 texts from my boss. 2 asking where I am, the third saying to call him. Well, today I called back and he said he needed someone he could rely on so I no longer have a job.
thepipesarecall: Step 1) Set multiple alarms with different tones.
Step 2) Set your phone enough out of your reach so that when you have to turn it off, you physically have to get up.
Step 3) Leave a glass of water by your phone and force yourself to drink it.
Step 4) Actually give a fuck about your responsibilities.
Munttus: Step 5) Profit
| 3 | 14.333333 | |
1390443336 | 1390478780 | t3_1vwo3f | t5_2to41 | 37 | [deleted]: TIFU by sabotaging my social life.
I am a lonely man...
I go around school basically every day, and it seems like I'm constantly surrounded by couples just holding hands, smiling at each other, laughing and just all around seeming like they are in ecstacy when they're with each other.
And every time I see a couple, I can't help but feel like "Fuck, that's what I want; that's what would give me some damn confidence in myself, that's what would get me out of this self-hating funk I'm in. Some girl that would love being around me like that."
So then back up a week in the first week of a once-a-week Wednesday class. This gorgeous girl sits right next to me, and we start talking and we seem to hit it off well. When I get home that day I kicked myself for not getting her number, so I told myself I'd try again next week.
So now we get to today. I get to class, girl and I talk for a bit before class, and then during the three hour lecture I'm partially distracted by just trying to think of some clever thing that'd make her laugh, or just something to talk about.
Then at the end of the class prof. tells us we gotta do a video project for next week, so I ask her if she wanted to work together on the project. And I'll type the conversation and you can see the TIFU, and cringe for yourself...
Me: "So do you want to team up for this video project? I can shoot you and you can shoot me?"
Girl: "Well I'm doing my project with a friend of mine, but I can totally help you if you need me to" in a real nice, upbeat tone that made it sound like she really wanted to help me.
Me: "Nah, that's all right."
Girl: "Really? Are you sure?"
Me: "Yeah, I'm fine, I'll just find someone else to do it, I got a friend of mine that can help."
Girl: "All right then, I'll see ya next week."
Me: "All right see ya."
And now I'm using a throwaway account to type up this TIFU story... This is the kind of shit that seriously makes me wonder what kind of major malfunction I have in my instincts that make me as God damn awkward as possible. Seriously, it's like "Oh that girl kinda likes you? Here we go brain, let's do everything in your power to make sure that'll never happen again."
She was even the most logical choice to help since she could've easily answered any questions I had about the damn project :/... and no, I didn't get her number... Again.
TL;DR: Beta Male Problems...
CoolCheech: Let's say you have a good friend and he comes to you with the same story that you just wrote, what would you tell him? Would you tell him "Man, you fucked up! What kind of major malfunction do you have in your brain to make you such a beta loser?" I highly doubt you would, and if you would then you're a dick. But most likely you would say "whatever, who cares? Just ask her again, she'll probably say yes. It's really not a big deal."
You need to forgive yourself for your mistakes and move on. You have to realize that that girl is not sitting there right now thinking /u/strobro1 is such a loser, I hope he never speaks to me again. After she said "all right, see you next week" she probably hasn't given this scenario a second thought, but you're sitting here beating yourself up over nothing. You would be the luckiest man in the world if these were the worst of your problems. Keep your chin up.
GameStunts: This is exactly right. You're sitting thinking she has all the information that you do. You're trying to think, what does she think, but you're using all your own views of yourself.
You'll go into that class next week and she'll ask how you're getting on with the assignment.
First thing to do is disregard the whole previous scenario. If there is still time for the assignment, why don't you say "Listen my friend can't help me with the video, do you still think you could help me?". Yes it makes you vulnerable, she might say no, but she might say yes. That's just the gamble, but as /u/CoolCheech points out, she probably hasn't even given it a second thought.
If she says yes, you get the phone number, and ask when she might be free.
You also need to ditch the self loathing. Seriously. You're lonely, but what are you doing to change that? You want someone to come out of the wood work and love you, but you're going to have to work a bit for it. Think about who your ideal person would be, and then put yourself in their shoes and ask yourself, what would this person find appealing in someone? Then try and beef up those qualities in yourself.
The other major thing is don't girlfriend zone this girl. Don't look at every girl as a potential mate. It's the nagging thought in many women's head, 'Is this guy just being nice to me because he wants in my pants.' There's nothing wrong with finding someone attractive, or wanting something more, but you should not automatically assume that's it's girlfriend or bust. This is the first step towards friendship, which can be a step towards a circle of friends, which becomes 'Do you want to go with us to...' which becomes 'I have a friend who's single, I bet you'd get along.'
Maybe just maybe you'll get this girl, and maybe you wont, but if she becomes a friend, girls could give you great advice on yourself, help boost your confidence and even help set you up.
Take the leap, and good luck /u/strobro1 .
| 3 | 12.333333 | |
1390444426 | 1390492204 | t3_1vwptk | t5_2to41 | 91 | footballmomthrowaway: TIFU by not locking the doors.
I. Am. Mortified.
My younger kids are in bed. 17 year old son was supposed to be out with friends for another hour or so.
I took a shower, shaved my legs, put on the good smelly stuff and waited on my husband to get home.
He got home, things were going as planned.
And then the bedroom door opened.
In the living room directly outside our door was not only our 17 year old, but 5 of his friends. Male and female. Watching me ride my husband like there's no tomorrow, boobs flying everywhere, nothing on but my tattoos.
He shut the door. His friends are still here. I refuse to come out from the covers. Ever.
I forgot to lock the doors.
[deleted]: Why would he invite 5 of his friends in your bedroom?
footballmomthrowaway: He didn't. Our bedroom door opens directly into the living room.
The dog didn't bark so we didn't hear them come in before the bedroom door opened.
[deleted]: Who opened the door?
footballmomthrowaway: My son. He does it every time he gets home.
The boy never learned to knock. Or maybe he did now...
spike309: Still not sure why your son opens your bedroom door when he gets home, that seems odd.
| 6 | 15.166667 | |
1390457063 | 1390517509 | t3_1vx8bc | t5_2to41 | 999 | Suck_Mah_Wang: TIFU By talking about PC gaming with my German penpal
So this month, our class all has penpals from another classroom in Germany. (I am in the U.S.), and we each received a list of things about the other person. My penpal was Jewish, liked sports, and seemed seemed to be **very** into PC gaming, which I am as well, so I decided to use that as something to write to him about. As a bit of background information, our grade is currently learning about the Holocaust, and we were specifically told to completely avoid the topic, understandably.
So I start the letter, introducing myself, pretty generic "Hi, I'm Suck_Mah_Wang, yadda yadda" and knowing he was a PC gamer like myself, I added at the end of my intro, "And I'm glad to tell you that I'm a proud member of the master race!" (referring to the "PC Master Race" of gaming.) Finished the rest of the letter, and all of them were shipped to Germany. I thought nothing more of it, but was very excited to find someone with common interests.
A week or so later, today, I get into class and my teacher walks up to me and tells me go to the front office **immediately**. I've never been in any trouble at school, really, besides a 1 day in school suspension for something dumb, so I figured they just needed to clear up something with my attendance or grades. I walk up to the office and am greeted by my writing teacher, adviser and principal. I'm freaking out inside, wondering what I did wrong. Then my writing teacher pulls out a copy of the letter I wrote to my penpal, along with a slip of paper.
"**What were you trying to accomplish my writing this?**", my principal says, visibly angry,"**I received a message from the teacher in Germany saying that your penpal did not want to reply to 'an evil Jew hater.' Do you realize how bad of an impression you are giving those students of our school and country!?!?**"
By this point I am just begging to know what I said, because I re-read it so many times, and made sure to be as friendly as possible.
And then my writing teacher says,"**Part of the master race? Are you trying to say you're a Nazi? What were you thinking?!?**"
And then it clicked. He thought I was referring to Nazism when I said master race. I tried to explain over and over again that I was talking about PC gaming, but to no avail. I failed the assignment, got a very nice lecture from the administrators, as well as my parents about how bad antisemitism is, and got suspended for a week. My parents understood later, and tried to get the principal to understand, but he wasn't having it. So now, I'm known around school as "The Nazi".
TL;DR: Wrote to German student about PC gaming, instantly become Hitler.
EDIT: Talked to the administrators once again, and showed them /r/Pcmasterrace. They finally understood, and lifted the suspension. I also wrote to my penpal once again, and apologized for the misunderstanding. He completely understood, and was excited to continue writing to each other.
**ALSO, this is /r/TIFU.** I made a mistake, what I said was highly inappropriate and illogical, and I understand that. I don't need 50 fucking comments calling me an idiot, and another 20 PMs telling me how stupid I am/ to kill myself/etc. Looking back at it, I regret it, and realize what I said was dumb. I didn't need to share this story with you, I took the effort to type this all out for your entertainment, not to be bombarded with insults and downvotes. I mentioned the PC master race as a joke, as it was intended to be, I do not feel superior to anyone else as a result of this, it was supposed to be an innocent joke. I am a human, I fuck up. That is the sole reason I have posted this. If you do not like it, move on.
Tattycakes: You're an idiot and you deserved it. "PC master race" might not have been so bad, but just "master race" without context? Jesus christ...
Suck_Mah_Wang: I assumed he knew, I have no idea what I was thinking.
whatudontlikefalafel: Why would you assume that? I think the average American redactor wouldn't get the reference. Most Americans in general wouldn't get the reference, and I doubt someone from Germany would either, PC gamer or not.
[deleted]: This is something all PC gamers should know. That's why it was fair of OP to assume it.
rebop: I'm a PC gamer and have no time or interest in your silly "culture".
Fucking 'master race'!? Seriously?
How about just play your video games and shut up.
fraxium: I couldn't agree more. I really don't care about frame rates or resolution I just care about playing the game
TheReaIOG: Spoken like a true peasant.
fraxium: I game on my desktop, I'm just not a twat about it and think im better than everyone else because of it.
TheReaIOG: Then why game on PC if you don't care about frame rates or resolutions?
I don't think I'm better than anyone else because I game on PC, just more informed. It's all for teh lulz.
fraxium: how does gaming on the pc make your more informed?
I game on my PC because its easier to use and the games on PC are cheaper and easier to get.
TheReaIOG: See, console gamers don't know that. They don't know the feeling of buying Tomb Raider for 10 dollars less than a year after it came out. They're uninformed.
wtfzorz: I don't have a PC or the space to set one up. I game on ps3 and 360 on my roommate's big screen tv in the living room. I'm fully aware that PCs are more capable with graphics and mods. I'm not uninformed, i just don't give a shit about frame rate and resolution if i'm enjoying a game
TheReaIOG: You say you don't, but you and I both know that if you tried gaming on a good PC you'd never go back.
wtfzorz: is it really so hard to accept that PCs aren't for everyone, despite the fact that they're a generally more powerful gaming system? i'd take playing mario kart or super smash bros with friends (in the same room, looking at the same screen) any day over a better looking game i can play with mouse and keyboard
edit: man, i don't even want to debate this. it's subjective, i think the whole point of even trying to argue a side is stupid, and i will also accept that you think PC gaming is, simply put, just better
| 15 | 66.6 | |
1390456032 | 1390532301 | t3_1vx70x | t5_2to41 | 217 | ThrowAwayMyAccounts: TIFU by send a friend the wrong message. (NSFW)
I was spectating a Garry's Mod server that I am an administrator on. While I was watching the players murder each other, a friend of mine starting flirting with me on the IM system on steam. After a few minutes of flirt, the messages turn really sexual. Not only sexual, but really graphic and hardcore. While we were getting into it, and I was about to send a reply, a regular on one of my servers sends me an IM for help. Now before I realize he sent the message, I send him the dirty reply. I told the regular something along the lines of me cum inside his ass while I scratch his back until it bleeds.
I don't think I can ever play on the server for the rest of my life.
tl;dr I am an illiterate slut.
Edit: to clarify I am a guy, who send a guy a dirty text, which was meant for a girl.
snoecks: im...confused
ThrowAwayMyAccounts: I was dirty talking a friend of mine and sent someone who wanted my help an extremely sexual message.
TDKevin: Are you both dudes? Just wondering how a girl would cum in a guys ass lol.
drgmonkey: To me it sounds like OP is a guy. Not sure if the other person is male or female, but they probably sent a message like "I'm gonna cum in your ass" to the player who was male. The message is gender-neutral so you can send it to anyone.
ThrowAwayMyAccounts: While the message in the original post is gendered neutral, I shortened it because I am still a little ashamed of the whole message.
| 6 | 36.166667 | |
1390450540 | 1390496148 | t3_1vwzh3 | t5_2to41 | 34 | bargainmusic: TIFU by trying to be friendly and strike up a conversation
So a lady came into where I work today and said she had never been in our shop before. So I was being friendly and tried to start up a conversation with her. I noticed she was wearing scrubs (I could only see the bottoms of her pant legs) so I said "Are you a nurse?" And she said "No, I'm a doctor."
Oh no. Quick make a joke! So I said "Oh, sorry. I bet that's an insult!" She replied with "No, just sexist." She was dead serious. All conversation ceased after that point.
Needless to say she didn't buy anything and I don't expect to ever see her again.
hocktag: She did not handle the situation very well at all - how were you to know?
bargainmusic: Obviously I think every woman wearing scrubs is a nurse and doesn't have the capability of being a doctor.
dougefreshm4l: When I think of doctors, I think of people wearing white lab jackets and dress pants. And out of the couple doctors I know who might wear scrubs, I've never seen them in them. Nurses on the other hand, live in scrubs. Not your fault bud.
| 4 | 8.5 | |
1390458542 | 1390532710 | t3_1vxa0z | t5_2to41 | 13 | yousefk: TIFU by dropping the metal toilet paper holder rod into the toilet.
Because most people have a different type of toilet paper holder, I will preface this with a diagram of my toilet paper holder: http://imgur.com/NdwVVML
The rod is the part that the toilet paper slides onto.
The holder is the two arms.
So, it began on a fine evening when I was taking a shit. If my memory isn't failing me, it was about 13°F outside with clear sky conditions and a wind speed of around 0.45m/s while I was taking this dump.
I finished my dump and reached for the toilet paper. Fuck. It was all gone. *No worries*, I thought, as I poop-shuffled to the closet to get more toilet paper. After I got it, I quickly went back to the toilet and sat down.
For whatever reason, I decided to put the toilet paper back on the holder first. I popped out the metal rod for it. While trying to put it inside through the cylindrical cavity in the center of the toilet paper roll, it slid out and through my thighs. *Plop*. It fell into the toilet. *Fuck*.
I had to wipe my ass, pick up the metal rod out of the toilet (which had shit in it), clean it, and put it back in the holder with the toilet paper on it.
WPBDoc: Obviously you aren't a guy because everyone knows that guys don't put the TP back on the holder when it needs replaced.
wrectangle: Do you pull the no wipe or just use the roll and place it on the book stand behind you?
WPBDoc: I'm a dude, not a barbarian! Of course I wipe, but it's part of expected guy code to leave it sitting precariously on the empty spindle. At some point in the next few hours, the wife will be heard muttering loudly about how men are incapable of changing the toilet paper and then I will smile slyly. Mission accomplished!
wrectangle: I'm a dude to and pull the same thing. But I have heard of people pulling the no wipe and just walking away. Just thought I could finally ask someone why.
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1390473100 | 1390499399 | t3_1vxlol | t5_2to41 | 89 | [deleted]: TIFU by calling a prospective customer unprofessional
Had a scheduled call with someone I thought was my friend, who is management for one of my biggest customers. We will call him T. T's new boss, S, does not like my company and has taken business away from us in the past, in favor of giving it to one of our competitors.
I thought T was going to give me some inside scoop on how to keep the account but instead he told me S has already made the decision to change vendors. Naturally I became upset. I didn't lose my cool but I said that I and my superiors had called S many times the past week to talk about how to make him happy, but S had not called back, which I thought was unprofessional of him. Turns out S was secretly listening in on the call. S called the president of my company and told him all about my comment.
I've already been called on the carpet. I apologized and explained myself, but I still fear I am on the verge of being fired from a very good, high-paying job, with two mouths to feed.
This foul-up of mine comes on the heels of some 2013 budget overruns. I'm generally well thought of at my company, by management and customers, and I've been around long enough to know better than to do/say these things. A lot of my identity is tied up in my work, I am passionate about what I do and I take it personally when someone doesn't want to do business with us. And of course I am scared shitless of the prospect of losing my job at my age. Now people are talking about "red flags" when they talk to me. I see the writing on the wall and am paralyzed. I'm forging ahead but this is eating me up inside.
hocktag: It seams like your comment suggesting your customer was acting in an unprofessional way was warranted, and maybe they needed to hear it. And aside from that, why are they listening in on seemingly private conversations? That too seams unprofessional to me.
njlad: You're right, this behavior is unprofessional. But as a salesman it's not my place to ever impugn or malign my customers or prospects, regardless of the truth of the accusations.
CovingtonLane: >... it's not my place to ever impugn or malign my customers or prospects, ...
Uh, oh. I am afraid you nailed it right there. Good luck. Let us know.
njlad: Thank you! Thank you all!
| 5 | 17.8 | |
1390492887 | 1390526227 | t3_1vy5yv | t5_2to41 | 15 | Bens_Dream: TIFU by losing my bank card
Long story, but here we go.
I was in a local shopping area and I needed to take some money out at the ATM.
Went to the ATM, got my money and receipt, put it in my wallet. I thought the machine had stolen my card, so I went to the bank near there and they told me it wasn't controlled by them. I figured, "Hey, the ATM has your name on it so surely it's handled by you?".
Anyway, I went into the shopping centre and asked a guy, he said it was a third party who managed the ATM. Another employee said that if I go to a bank branch about 15 minutes away they could print me another card on the same day.
I went to said bank and got to the counter. The guy asked me for my ID, so I opened up my wallet to bring out my ID, and there was my card. I'd taken it out of the ATM and put it in my wallet without realising. After having told numerous people to not use that particular ATM because it was malfunctioning, it'd had been my own error the entire time.
tl;dr, thought my card had been stolen but it was in my wallet the entire time.
anma1234: Oh man, it's the worst when your own brain betrays you.
A few times I have searched frantically for my bank card only to find that my brain decided to slide into the hidden slot of my wallet, where I only kept my clock-in card.
wrectangle: You still have a clock-in card. You need to step into the 21st century.
anma1234: It's a swipe card...
Also I don't see how I have anything to do with how an employer chooses to keep time logs. I wasn't there when business opened so I didn't have much say, you know? Not really my decision. I just have to be punched in.
And actually at my job before that I had a clock in card and you know what? It took the same amount of time to grab my card and punch in as it did to get the card out of my wallet and swipe in.
And the punch-in clock never fritzed out like the swipe machine did or the computer it was attached to.
wrectangle: Didn't mean to offend I tend to be really sarcastic for no apparent reason.
anma1234: No offense taken, was just random to me lol. The final part regarding the amount of time to punch in is something I actually just realized.
| 6 | 2.5 | |
1390497461 | 1390810200 | t3_1vydjh | t5_2to41 | 18 | seeaway: TIFU by forgetting to get the girl's number.
This was actually yesterday.
After an exam a friend and I decided to go get lunch at a ramen shop with a really bad parking lot. We got to the lot and it looked full, except at the very end of the lot where there were two spots. It looked tight but my car would fit. I parked initially and got out and thought about how hard it would be to get out. I looked at the spot behind me and thought, *I could just reverse into that*. I park backwards all the time. It's actually my preference. My friend told me she'd spot me. Well she said I was too close to the right side, so I shifted to the left and of course I hit the car parked next to me. I went through the whole debate on should I leave a note or should I not? Of course I did.
Fast forward to when I see this girl get in her car and grab the note. I run out of the restaurant to talk to her and hear her say, *seeaway, I'm gonna hunt your ass down.* Not that she needed to, I was right there. Now I'm a little Filipino girl; I'm not even five feet tall. I was scared.
I begged for mercy and for us not to go through insurance. It's really my parents' insurance and it isn't fair to them that they have to pay more just cos I can't park. Even more, they're away on vacation and I don't want them to find out about this.
I told her I could make monthly payments, if need be. I'm a college student that doesn't have a job, but I'm receiving a little money from my VA bills. Nonetheless, we switched insurance information and she seemed a little forgiving after I apologized a million times.
It was only *after* she left that I realized that I forgot to get her number. She has mine, but I'm so unsure that she'll actually call it. I've been so stressed out because I can't contact her. I took pictures and was quoted $245 and I could pay it, but I have no way of reaching her. I've been so stressed out over the situation. I can't sleep, I feel like I'm going to throw up.
What makes this worse is by the time we left the parking lot was nearly empty. I would have been fine. I truly fucked up.
wrectangle: Thought this was you hitting on a girl and forgot to get her number. Then you mention you were a small Filipino girl.
Either way it'll be alright, good things happen to good people.
KristyConfused: What, girls can't hit on other girls? :D
StoshX: Well they sure as hell can't park properly... HEYOOOO!
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1390499087 | 1390613640 | t3_1vygah | t5_2to41 | 904 | Ipodduim: TIFU by accidentally opening mail that wasn't for me. (NSFW)
**Excuse me for my english, it is not my first language.**
About two weeks ago I ordered some products from a chinese webshop, which included some old school game controllers with USB so I could use them on my pc with emulators. I also ordered some shoes because i was asked to by my mom and she really wanted them. Well, today two packages came in from China, which you can easily recognise because of their packaging. One of the two packages was as big as two shoeboxes so I knew that the two pair of shoes where in there and I assumed that the other package would contain my own goods. but after opening the package I realised that there was a [chasity cage](http://image.dhgate.com/albu_355733700_00-1.0x0/the-new-2013-ultra-small-cage-stainless-steel.jpg) inside of the package! (it was still wrapped in paper but when I picked it up I felt what it was.)
Now my parents came home and I placed the package under my dad's sleep pillow and will hope for the best that he doesn't mind that I've seen it... (My dad and I have the same surname and I didn't pay close attention to the initials.)
I guess I'll have to wait till I can relive my childhood games :(
tl;dr: ordered mulitple products from china, packages were delivered, one of the packages contained a chasity cage and I did not pay close attention to the name on the package.
Edit: Spelling and Grammar
Edit 2: Last night my dad came to my room and told me in a laughing manner that I shouldn't open he packages, so I guess he didn't really mind! (:
namesaredumb: Were the shoes stilettos? If they were I can make this way worse for you.
amaresnape: with a curve like that? probably not, but then again [rule 34](http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Rule%2034) right?.
namesaredumb: Huh? Curve? You clearly are not familiar with BDSM/Dominatrix sexual fetishes. Yes, yes, Rule 34. But the whole stiletto/chastity/genital crushing thing is actually pretty common.
amaresnape: Yes it is, but I've never heard of inserting a penis inside it into the vagina.
namesaredumb: Who said anything about that? Im sure it has happened though, there are many types of chastity devices, not all of which are curved or even fully encased.
amaresnape: Well, the person who asked that doesn't seem to be the comment I replied to. I hate doing reddit via iPhone sometimes...
Edit: can't get the permalink for the comment while on my phone, but u/Shakaspeare asked.
namesaredumb: Oh ok I was confused there.
Iphones are dumb.
amaresnape: Sorry :(
namesaredumb: haha its ok, I have one too. I was commiserating.
| 10 | 90.4 | |
1390509844 | 1390869545 | t3_1vyzb2 | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU by seeing how far I could go at the gym
I've been going to the gym for almost 3 months now and I'm very eager to make progress, me and my friend have been pushing ourselves as far as we can go every time and we're doing well but today I pushed myself too far.
I'd just been benching and my friend says that we're getting picked up in a extra half hour from normal so we can work out a little bit more today, I said okay and went back to doing my thing. We get to that extra half hour and I'm hot and sweaty so I took a 5 minute break but felt faint.
I decided to shrug it off and went on to another machine when my stomach is telling me 'you need to shit now.'
On my way to the toilets I almost fell on my face in the corridors but eventually made it to the toilet, sat down and had a little poo. But then my spidey senses were tingling and I looked at the toilet paper holder, empty.
'Saved' I thought. Thought.
I got up from that cubicle and went to another (not with my trousers around my ankles with my cock out I pulled them up) and got one with toilet paper.
I had my shit and thought 'why aren't I feeling better?' then I threw up a tiny bit of yellow stuff in the sink next to me.
A sudden feeling of dread and sickness turned over me and I grew hotter and hotter in the tight cubicle racing to wipe my arse before it was too late but to my avail I fell over and projectile vomited this yellow stuff into the toilet onto my own shit.
'Oh no' I'm thinking to myself and my head goes down again and I throw up with the strength of a Greek God.
A bit of it splashed back and hit me in the eye.
Exhausted I fell back again the cubicle door which at this point I'd unlocked as I was so hot and was scared I'd pass out in the cubicle with no one able to get to me. So I fell out into the corridor white as a ghost with a hand up in the air like I'm dying. Thankfully nobody came.
I did however, throw up onto my trousers.
I pulled myself up feeling like death himself had grabbed me by the stomach I threw up into the toilet again, I shit you not it must have lasted for at least 4 seconds.
Suddenly I felt great! But I proceeded to drag myself through the gym covered in my own vomit to find my friend waiting for me in the car.
Half way home I realised I'd forgotten my water bottle.
Arcane_Xanth: You were probably dehydrated and should have drank water. If I don't drink enough water while working out I get very weak, nauseous, and feel like I'm going to faint.
Tobesus: I was drinking water, I left my bottle at the gym
Arcane_Xanth: I have nothing then, I hope it doesn't happen to you again.
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1390512476 | 1390577079 | t3_1vz44j | t5_2to41 | 121 | [deleted]: TIFU by popping a boner in front of my friend.
Okay, I lied, it wasn't today, it was last week.
So my friend and I went on a trip to vegas last week. We stayed in the same hotel room because it's cheaper. One night, while we were talking about all the awesome things we saw, my mind drifted to memories of an incredibly sexy porn vid. We were both in our pajamas, mind you, so when my buddy down there decided the time is right to get up and stand tall, it stood out like the CN tower. I quickly tried to change positions to cover it up, but it was too late. He didn't say anything about it, and I feel like trying to explain it would make things worse.
solidgold77: There's nothing wrong with it man. If your friend didn't say anything, maybe its because he doesn't care. Its not like you guys had a masturbation contest like i once had.
PhoTorgrapher: yeah, actually, what hell and how did it start/end?
solidgold77: Well it all started around the age of 13-14. We were a bunch of kids discovering our manhood and we just ended up having a contest of,yes, masturbation. The last one to "cum", was crowned the victor and the first one to go out had to clean anything that wasn't suppose to be on a sofa or a table or whatever, if you know what i mean. Me, being the most acquainted with my weewee, did not fap too fast nor to slow because fapping too much means, you guessed it, clean semen. So i gingerly fap to some photos our guest provided to us and ended up finishing in first. Yes i won and i'm probably still the reigning champion because i have mastered the art of " fapping". Kneel before me and fap away!
apollo_2000: we used to play a similar game, except we all came on a biscuit and the last one to cum had to eat the biscuit....
goss98789: I... I don't know how to respond to that.
apollo_2000: I don't even know if the internet knows.. mind you we were a bit younger, 10-11 from memory.. and I'm Aussie if that explains anything?
goss98789: I still have no damn clue why that would make sense at all. But, I guess little kids who just find out about stuff like this want to be evil with it. Being an Aussie doesn't really explain much, but the 10-11 part really makes sense to me. But I can't see why the last one had to eat it. It just seems like finishing last would be an achievement, not a curse.
apollo_2000: I'm just being facetious. Yeah I had the misfortune of being the guy to finish last the first time we ever played it, didn't happen again.
GravityChanges: ..Sooo you've ate the gooky cookie?
apollo_2000: I really should of used a throwaway, but yes as an 11 year old..I ate the gooky cookie
GravityChanges: Tagged as eater of 11 year old boy's gookie cookies.
| 12 | 10.083333 | |
1390523684 | 1390534797 | t3_1vznmo | t5_2to41 | 39 | [deleted]: TIFU when my dark twisted past ruined my class presentation.
I'm a sophomore in high school, and in freshman year, my English teacher was a total fuck but in a good way. So I'd always screw around in his class. For a project, we had to make Pinterest accounts and pins for a presentation.
Being the piece of shit that I was, I set my profile picture to [this.](http://imgur.com/Y9o0p) It was funny at the time, my fuck of a teacher appreciated the humor, and so on.
Fast forward to today, about 1 year later. My English teacher this year couldn't be any more different, she's a total battleaxe. Rough assignments, tough grading, etc. But her most recent project was on, you guessed it, Pinterest.
So I log back into my old school Pinterest, do my assignment and so on, everything's okay. Time comes to present, but for some reason, my "pin" wont show up on the "board" all my classmates' pins were located on. "oh it's fine," my teacher says, "just do a search for your profile." *Oh god, no.* I actually considered just saying no and taking a zero on the project.
But in my poor judgement, I performed the search, and, when my profile picture was plastered on the giant screen, broke down laughing beyond the point of return with the rest of my class.
I have one more chance tomorrow. TIFU.
ThatOneFace: Wait, you actually have to do an assignment on Pinterest?
What the hell is wrong with the school system these days? And I'm only a Senior!
mattimeo310: I'm a senior in college and we have an assignment on pintrest, I nearly choked when I read the syllabus.
ThatOneFace: What exactly is Pinterest?
IcePhoenix18: Essentially internet hoarding. You save all kinds of pictures, recipes, quotes, anything that you tell yourself will come in handy or you'll use later
ThatOneFace: And how do you even do an assignment on it?
"Look up a recipe for tacos and be ready to give a complete oral report by next Tuesday!" Meanwhile, the teacher is getting some very handy recipes without doing any work.
| 6 | 6.5 | |
1390526563 | 1390533272 | t3_1vzs6n | t5_2to41 | 8 | NativeBrotha: TIFU by washing my hands in a hospital.
So I'm just a lurker here in TIFU but I guess today it was my turn so here I am to tell my tale. I work in the pharmacy at a hospital in a city here on the east cost. It's a good job, pays the bills and what I do keeps me pretty interested in my job. It's a pretty interesting hospital because it is state run so we have patients from the Dept. of Public Health, the Dept of Mental Health, and the Dept. of Corrections. Sometimes my job requires me to visit different floors and departments to speak with doctors and nurses as well as administrators so it's not uncommon for me to be in any given part of the hospital during the day. Now due to a medical issue, I take a few different medications including some diuretics which is fine because, based on where the pharmacy is located, there are 6 bathrooms within about 30 yards of my office. There is one for women, one for men, and then 4 one person unisex bathrooms. Now the bathrooms are nondescript, unexciting, bland, sterile places for the most part. They are covered in gray tiles with the occasional off-white tile to break up the monotony and give the toilets something to look at. The mirrors are framed in metal and angled such that you can never quite get a good look at yourself. Everything about the bathrooms seem to murmur "Go ahead and leave already." These bathrooms are not a place for lingering, nor for taking long thoughtful poops while you hide from co-workers and bosses alike.
Today was like any other day. I walked in to my office, hung up my coats, sat down at my desk and logged in. About an hour or so later, some paperwork came across my desk that was going to require a visit to one of the departments on a different floor. I decided that before I went to go do my daily trip around the hospital I would stop at the cafeteria and get myself something to drink and a snack. I grabbed a cranberry juice and a small salad (I'm trying to lose weight and that will help with the aforementioned medical issue and no it's not diabetes or diabetes related) and head back to my office. I get back to my desk and start to eat. It was about this time that I remembered that I hadn't taken my meds earlier because I rushed out the door for work. I did however have them in a pill case which was in my backpack. I reached in my backpack, pulled out the case, opened the Thursday pocket, threw the pills in my mouth and took a nice big swig of juice. A few minutes later I get an email from the director of the pharmacy that she wants to meet with myself and the 2 other members of the pharmacy management team in about a half hour, and then 5 phone calls in rapid succession. After handling the calls and taking care of few things in the pharmacy I head over for the meeting which winds up taking about an hour and was mostly informational, unfortunately most of that information had nothing to do with me, but that's ok it was better than being inundated with questions and requests like I normally am when I'm sitting at my desk.
I get back to my desk and see there's a few more items that will require me to visit other places in the hospital, so I plan my trip out. I say plan it out because there are a few places in the hospital that have security checkpoints or require key card access and they take a little bit longer to get in and out. I start my trip and head up to the upper floors with the paperwork, knowing I will have to have a few conversations here and there with the appropriate people. When all is said and done my last stop is on the first floor. I go in to the office to be welcomed by the smiling face of a woman I deal with on a failry regular basis. She's kind, funny, attractive and always has a good story to tell. She starts telling me a story about a mutual co-worker when I notice the familiar feeling of my meds kicking in, specifically the diuretics. I know I have a while before I have to go to the bathroom, but sometimes once I think about having to go, no matter how much I try not to think about it, the thought of going gets stronger. Oddly, it seemed like I had to go more than usual, and the sense of urgency was growing rapidly. It seemed uncommon, I usually don't have to go that bad because of the medicine, and that's when I remembered I took them all at once. By this point I don't even think I was listening to her story, all I could think about was the feeling of having to take a leak. It was almost to the point where I thought I was going to have to excuse myself, when she wrapped up the story and tells me to have a nice day.
I walk out of her office and out into the hallway where luckily, about 10 feet away, there's a men's room. I hurry across the hall, hoping no one is one of the 2 stalls the bathroom is likely to have. I swear I thought I was going to piss my pants and I made it to the urinal jin what felt like just in time. I unzip, reach in, pull out, and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... Such a sense of relief! DAE ever get that little pissgasm, when you go? You know that little chill that makes you shiver for a second after you finish? No? Just me? Okay, well anyway I finish up and walk over to the sink to wash my hands. Now the sinks in the hospital are not all the same, some have knobs you turn, some have handles, and some have this sort of push button deal where you press it and the water runs for a short time. You press one for hot water and the other for cold. I get some liquid soap, press one button, then the other and that's when it happened. Just so you can picture this I'm about 6'4" so the sink is little bit more than 3/4 of the way up my thigh, just under my manparts, I'm also wearing khaki colored dress pants which are now soaked in the crotch area. The problem with the button operated sinks is you have no control over how much water comes out. When I pressed that second button on the sink, the water came out with a ton of force, splashed off the sink and all over the front of my pants and the lower portion of my shirt. F*CK! I looked around for some way to dry myself off, but guess what, there were no electric hand dryers in this bathroom, and as it turns out there were only about 10 paper towels in the dispenser. So I grab what paper towels I can, and start trying to dry the front of my pants. That's when the door opened and in comes the CFO and some other administrator and I'm standing there going at the front of my soaking wet pants with scraps of paper towel. The CFO and I make eye contact, he and I happen to be on a first name basis, but he doesn't say a word. They just look at each other and leave. Had I been thinking clearly, I would have stood back a bit from the sink like I usually do. Even more so I would have gone into the stall with the toilet to try to clean up. But nope, I was in jackass mode and still wound up having to stay in the bathroom long enough for my shirt to dry enough for me to wear it un-tucked so I could get back to my desk and sit there in my wet balls shame...
*TL:DR* Used a bathroom I don't normally use, sink splashed and soaked my pants, CFO sees me going at my crotch furiously with a paper towel.
wrectangle: Holy whack a moley that was an essay I didn't expect. Feel like this could have been a smidge shorter all in all 6/10.
NativeBrotha: Yeah, I wasn't really sure the best way to tell it so I just kind of put it all in there. Hopefully I won't have another TIFU to tell with a shorter story.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1390603454 | 1390787900 | t3_1w04tn | t5_2to41 | 4 | Eversist: > It didn't really sound like she'd unintentionally flashed
Gah, that's what I get for paraphrasing. You know what I meant.
Slabbo: Hehe yeah I know, I was just emphasizing that it was unintentional. :)
Eversist: My post:
>If I *unintentionally* flashed someone at work
Are you high? ;)
Slabbo: Well yes. And I didn't mean to imply that you were wrong, or to Slam you in any way. I was just adding input but not intending to imply that I was disagreeing with you.
Sorry that I misquoted your post. I wasn't splitting hairs
Eversist: Nah, I'm just giving you shit.
Slabbo: Cool :) Party on, Wayne :)
| 6 | 0.666667 | |
1390511911 | 1390572592 | t3_1vz32x | t5_2to41 | 12 | SirDigbyChknCaesar: TIFU by slamming my car into a light post in an empty parking lot.
I've owned a 2008 Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution since June, 2009. This car is my baby and I've taken great care of it. There is not one door ding on the car despite driving it daily for almost 5 years. Anything under my control has always been done to keep it in the best condition possible. All shined up, it looked nearly new. Over the years it's had a lot of time, money and effort put into modifications and maintenance.
Anyway, I recently drove it to a store on a rainy winter night. There was a lot of fog around as well since the weather had warmed up and the piled snow banks were evaporating everywhere.
Upon finishing our shopping, I went out to get the car while my wife paid at the register. I pulled the car out of the parking space and headed toward the back of the lot to turn around and meet her at the store entrance. I was only going 10-15 mph.
After straddling a sunken storm grate, I remember starting to turn and looking across the lot to the lane where I could head back toward the store. All of a sudden, the car just came to an immediate, violent stop. I didn't know what happened, but my first thought was "Oh my god, I've destroyed my car!". No airbags went off and I couldn't see anything that I might have hit so I gathered myself to get out of the car. The driver side door wouldn't open without forcing it, so I climbed over and got out the passenger side door.
It turned out that I had swiped the cement piling of a parking lot light post. It must have been in such a position that it was mostly obscured by the car's A-pillar and whatever rain / dirt spots that were on the edge of the windshield and side window. The post hit the front end just short of the crash beam and it tore everything up until it slammed into the wheel, broke that, and then the car finally came to a stop.
Fast forward to the insurance estimate which is $14,033 (not totaled). If you're familiar with the Evo, you probably know why, but the short version is that it's a performance model and everything's special vs. a regular Lancer. This is a car that I was hoping would be a classic, since any future Evos will be hybrids. Instead, I'm just hoping it will be something close to its original state once it's fixed.
I'm still terribly saddened that this happened and it was nobody's fault but my own. I was the only one in the car in an empty part of a parking lot. I didn't even try to sugar coat it for the insurance claim because the whole situation was so stupid and blatant. The car will never be the same, but I have some hope that it will still be fun. I just won't know for 4-6 weeks while it's being repaired.
ed1380: My gsx feels your pain
SirDigbyChknCaesar: Thank you
| 3 | 4 | |
1390551339 | 1390609815 | t3_1w0pcd | t5_2to41 | 95 | Slamma009: TIFU by failing my major in college
I guess it's not really a today I fucked up, but this semester I fucked up. My college messed up my credits last year and I had to take more courses then most other students, leading to some choices on what homework to do. I constantly checked my grade in my major... "80%? I can skip the homework for today and finish this other stuff." I just found out today what I had been looking at the entire time was my unweighted grade, I got a 59.07% final grade for my class.
I won't be able to afford to move back to Chicago for another year and will most likely have to drop out. I really messed up my life this year.
Edit: Grammar
Edit: Thank you guys, I posted this right after I found out so I may have overreacted a bit. After reading your comments (again thank you for the support) I'm going to meet with the Dean in the beginning of February since we have the end of the month off due to the end of the semester.
ATerribleUsername: Why do you have to drop out? Money woes? If you only need another semester, there isn't anything you can do?
Slamma009: I haven't told my parents yet, but since my college is from 9-5 they have been paying my way through it so far. If I have to come back next year that means possibly paying more tuition, renting another apartment for a full year, ect. I'm going to meet with my Dean after the break we have this week thanks to other peoples comments
future_dolphin: > I'm going to meat with my Dean
:D
Slamma009: Oh god no, I had to change it xD
| 5 | 19 | |
1390572754 | 1390675716 | t3_1w16hc | t5_2to41 | 325 | [deleted]: TIFU by going a bit to fast
Today my boss told me that i could go home at lunchtime, it is currently snowing and therefore the streets are wet and slippy. So i was driving home, like every other day, going about 80km/h, then in one bend i felt that i lost traction. When i realized that, it was already to late. It tried to countersteer, but then my car started understeering. I rammed a post while leaving the road and half a second later i came to a halt. I'm glad that i'm not injured, but i'm pretty sure my car is fucked up. Had to call breakdown service to get my car pulled out of the snow and to the next mechanic. I'm glad it went out well considering what could have happened but well... Reddit, today i fucked up.
Edit: Yes i know... it's "too fast", will be uploading a pic of the car soon.
Edit 2: Here's the pic. It doesn't look like much, but it's pretty fucked
http://imgur.com/LAUT3Lf
soxordie: Lesson: don't drive 80 km/h in the snow
Moral: You're a moron.
jenntasticxx: I'm pretty sure thats how fast I was going this morning and nothing bad happened to me. Maybe I'm just used to it.
Edit: I live in michigan. I can drive in the snow. I know when to go slower than normal like in that arctic blast we had a couple weeks ago. Roads here were not horrible today but still covered in snow.
meliaesc: I believe it should be required to take a logic class before being allowed to use the internet.
jenntasticxx: You obviously missed yours. If I can drive 50 mph in the snow obviously my roads weren't as bad as ops. Still covered in snow, yes, but not ice or an amount of snow that is dangerous.
Fab500: Stop lying, everyone knows that a car can and will spontaneously crash if there is any snow on the road and you are driving above 30 mph.
jenntasticxx: Well I guess I'm just lucky then. Sigh.
up_there: And you probably don't do 50 around turns in the snow..
jenntasticxx: Nope. Maybe like 10. 15 if there's no one there and I want to slide a bit ;)
up_there: Good! I was worried for a minute. Stay safe!
jenntasticxx: Thanks! You too!
| 11 | 29.545455 | |
1390549869 | 1390808617 | t3_1w0o64 | t5_2to41 | 8 | TIFUthrown: TIFU with a bloody nose
So I went to the bars with a friend who had just turned 21 (yay right?) I get thoroughly wasted and had my fun. I helped my friends get back home as we were stumbling at 1 am.
I get on grindr and found a guy I met at the bar that was pretty cute and he invited me over to drink with him and one thing let to another and you get the story. As I it was getting hot and heavy my nose decided to bleed, as we were making out, to be fair it was incredibly dry and I was dehydrated. He got pissed and I stopped the bleeding... it totally killed the mood. He now is accusing me of giving him an SDI which is bogus and I was flustered (and drunk) when I finally left after cleaning his floor a bit. I realized I left my nice new shirt at his place - he mentioned it and said he would give it back but I'm doubtful for tomorrow.
So I feel like shit and it was really going a great place and feel as though I'm just broken and these hookups just aren't worth it...
ManBear-Man: Eh, why feel broken about it. So you had a nosebleed. If some dude bled on you while making out you'd probably be less-than-inclined to go and see him again, but doesn't mean you can never bounce back.
Keep your chin up. (And pinch your nose).
qwasz123: Oh god no, do not do that!
Putting your chin up and pinching your nose does not do anything. You do not stop a majority of the blood flow by pinching your nose and tipping your head back makes the blood go down your throat, which could find its way into your trachea.
Instead point your head down, put your hand underneath your nose (to catch the blood) and go to the bathroom for easy cleanup.
ManBear-Man: Oh. Whoops. I meant the expression "keep your chin up." You know, keep at it and whatnot. Don't take my not-so-intended medical advice, do what qwasz says if you happen to get another inconveniently timed nosebleed.
qwasz123: Oops! Didn't get that, usually people say to keep your head up when you get a nose bleed. Well glad we god that misunderstanding in order!
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1390591567 | 1390673148 | t3_1w20ae | t5_2to41 | 157 | [deleted]: TIFU by admitting deep secrets to my friends while tripping on acid.
I was the only one tripping. It was a double dipped tab. My friends made sure to ask me very personal questions, knowing that I could not lie even if I tried. They sat pointing and laughing at me, making fun of me. They tried to scare me too, by telling me that satan was in the room and tried pushing me over while I was peaking on the acid.
When everyone left and it just me and my best friend, he asked me personal questions as well, which led to me telling him I loved him since we met.
He obviously didn't reciprocate, and just replied with a very disgusted *"Oh..."*
Our friendship isn't quite the same anymore, he's been really distant and everyone found out I love him, they taunt me endlessly for it.
Almost forgot to mention, friends took my debit card and bought food for themselves with it... without my permission. didn't have a lot of money left and onlt 5$ was left on my whole bank account.
This has made me really reconsider who I pick to hang around... it's been a week or two but it's stuck with me... not going to ever forget the time I really opened up for the first time and told someone I loved them and they treated me like absolute shit in return...
[deleted]: Drugs are pointless. Friends are pointless.
Edit: You fucked up doing acid, finding friends who don't do drugs are more trustworthy.
yousefk: What's wrong with wanting to explore your mind and enjoy yourself?
I fail to see how drugs are pointless. They are an amazing tool for exploring the mind and reality.
You need friends so you can have social contact, which, most people will become depressed if they don't have that for a long time. Also, if your friends are interesting, good people and you enjoy being with them, I fail to understand why you should avoid them if they do drugs.
[deleted]: Sir, I explore my mind just fine without "drugs". It's an opnion. Drugs don't benefit you anywhere in life. My social life is fine. Of course I have friends who do drugs but ended up on the wrong side of the stick.
spacemeltrock: Drugs might not benefit YOU anywhere in life.
[deleted]: When have drugs benefit anyone (excluding medical wise)?
spacemeltrock: Try /r/Drugs. I recommend doing a little research there and draw your own conclusions, or don't.
[deleted]: No thanks.
| 8 | 19.625 | |
1390588019 | 1390626145 | t3_1w1u8i | t5_2to41 | 1,135 | Patchoolible: TIFU by leaving all my coursework on the train.
So today, I'd been on an fine art trip to the British Museum doing some good ol' fashioned sketching. I'd been drawing in my sketchbook which I've been using solely since september, and it's 40% of my AS coursework, so it's the real deal.
On my last train change, I got off the train, left the station and waited at the bus stop. Then I realised that my art book wasn't with me. Soooo I went back to the office, and they rang me up just now and said that it hadn't turned up on the last stop.
But on the plus side, it's got all my details in it, and someone's most likely picked it up. If any of you have seen a red A3 sketchbook on a South West train, I'd love to know.
edit: [all this semi karma hasn't made me feel any better](http://i.imgur.com/vIf0lAD.gif%3F1), but some nice comments have, I'll update next week if anything changes, looks like i'll be on the phone to the lost and found on monday.
DanniiTheFannii: Holy shit, dude. I have a **load** of papers for my music coursework, and if I lost them I would be absolutely devastated. I'm sure that someone would have picked it up and would do the right thing, however.
Keep us updated!!
Patchoolible: I've got my address and phone number in there, along with the name of my college. The train wasn't ending up a million miles from where I live anyway, I'll definitely update next week some time.
Soccadude123: Plot twist: the person who picked up your sketch book now has your address and robs your house.
Goategg: Double-Plot Twist: Just because someone knows a random address doesn't mean they'll rob it
Soccadude123: Triple plot twist: you don't know how plot twists work.
Boden41715: Sounded good enough for an M. Night movie to me
craniumonempty: Plot twist: you are M. Night Sham
| 8 | 141.875 | |
1390593770 | 1390787222 | t3_1w23y6 | t5_2to41 | 51 | ThraShErDDoS: TIFU by laughing through my nose
This is my first post to this sub. I am so embarrassed by what has happened. Literally the worst thing that has ever happened in my life.
Fuck. Here goes.
I work in a web development company as a web developer. One of the project managers called me over to her desk to brief me on some work that needed doing. I was sitting next to her on a chair looking at her computer screen from the side.
She was telling me about the client and made a really bad, corny joke. To which I laughed. Not a normal laugh where you open your mouth and make a noise, instead this was a laugh where I decided to breath outwards very heavily through my nose and smile.
The joke had finished and I looked back at the screen and she paused what she was doing. I looked back at her and saw her looking at the desk. So, as you do, I looked down towards the desk and instantly shat myself of fear and embarrassment.
I had breathed snot/mucus all over her desk. Literally everywhere. There was clear and runny snot all over her desk. This does include covering such items as:
- Keyboard
- Mouse
- Screen
- Wallet
- Keys
- Framed Picture
... All of which were hers. But. It gets worse.
I had also excreted all over an A4 pad in front of me. This was the piece that was hit the hardest. This pad had a full page of text/notes all over it. I then, raised my index finger and stated, "Oops, I just spat all over the table like a dirty person" (Don't ask). I then moved my index finger towards the pad to wipe it clean (A mop would have been more useful mind you) and as I push my finger down on a lump of watery snot I managed to smudge it into the paper. The pencil text was smudging heavily and was barely readable.
Not only that, but the first time I made the smudge I managed to pull the paper with it and make a crease across the whole piece of paper.
At this point I was exuding heavily and I was bright red and half crying.
Then the final straw that made it just that bit more horrendous was the fact that this whole time a long dangling snot was hanging 2-3 inches from my nose, swinging too and throw. I moved my hand to get rid of it and it actually fell ON that bit of A4 paper. A huge pile of snot. I then ran out of the room and went outside.
This was 6 hours ago and I haven't gone back to work. I have actually come home.
I'm very worried what the future holds. But here you can now make your life feel a bit better by reading my horrible story.
I might just go and die in a hole somewhere. At least I won't have to hear all that happens afterwards.
mulqahdiiv: Literally a snot web developer
^^I'm ^^sorry
Bassskilla: Good, you really should be with delivery like that.
| 3 | 17 | |
1390597049 | 1390629069 | t3_1w29op | t5_2to41 | 73 | 2oclockcrepes: TIFU by taking my school's fitness test
Greetings! Younger reddit browser here to share a story from a day or two ago.
Midterms were amongst us, and on this particular day I had my physical education course's exam. The exam was made up of three parts, all under a [pacing program]( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j5VVrOPlaw4&feature=youtube_gdata_player): Running (linked), push ups, and curl ups. This story revolves around the curl ups.
My friend and I had just returned from doing the push up test, and has decided to get the other "easy" test out of the way. We were part of the last group of people to go up at that time.
After minutes of anticipation, we get set up to start the test.
"We begin in three... two... [BEEP]"
I lift myself up from the mat, to feel a very distinctive rumble in my nether regions.
*Oh, fuck no.*
At a very young age, I thought I had the ability to perform "automatic farts" (that's a story for another time; I was one of the weird but kind of cool kids), and would always be quite the entertainment source for friends and family members. Until a later age, I never realized I was, in fact, performing queefs. From the years of doing this, I gained quite the exquisite muscle ability in these regions. With such power, it sometimes became abit... uncontrollable.
The muscle contractions from performing these curl ups were causing me to queef.
I was, luckily, saved by the blaring speakers placed right next to my testing mat. But I fear a couple were quite audible- considering the look on one of the coaches faces whilst I was leaving the test area.
I do not have this teacher, but who knows if he'll keep this to himself.
I do not plan on performing curl ups again soon.
TL;DR: Automatic farts can fuck you over
SilentScience: When I got to the part about rumblings I totally thought we were gonna have to reset the counter. OP, it could have been worse. It could have been worse.
2oclockcrepes: It definitely could have been worse- but the situation is still quite embarrassing to look back upon!
| 3 | 24.333333 | |
1390603985 | 1390805844 | t3_1w2lci | t5_2to41 | 61 | [deleted]: TIFU by being desperate, and using hand lotion/soap as anal lube, after eating a spicy meal.
Basically, I was horny and in the mood for some anal play, and not having proper lube on me at the time I got a bottle of hand soap/lotion, squeezed some over all the necessary areas, and immediately began to feel the burn, and regret my lazy decision. This was exacerbated by a poop 10 minutes later, where I remembered I had a spicy meal the night before :( all I can say is that the pain is pretty bad, so I don't recommend trying it for yourself.
FaKeShAdOw: Oh, I think if you tried a milk enema, your spicy butthole would feel a bit better. I mean yeah, it seems gross but it does work.
1800Redcross: >a milk enema
Only on reddit...
FaKeShAdOw: Nah man, on redtube too!
imperialistpugdog: also on 4chan!
drusRN: Also in actual medicine.
imperialistpugdog: 2% half and half or fat free?
drusRN: It's actually primarily used I a milk and molasses enema. Usually one to one ratio of the two. Milk is generally whatever is on hand. Fat free or 2% will work. Never used half and half so I can't comment on it. Some hospitals keep powdered milk on hand for this purpose. However this is usually given for an impaction, not for spicy butthole.
imperialistpugdog: nice to know, now to go buy molasses and milk.....
taserbeam: Throw some veggies in there, you got yourself a stew
imperialistpugdog: Carrots, celery, maybe potatoes if i can fit 'em
| 11 | 5.545455 | |
1390615896 | 1390672697 | t3_1w32y1 | t5_2to41 | 37 | [deleted]: TIFU by awkwardly getting close and then running away from a girl I like
I walk into one of my university lobbies and find a seat open. As I get closer to the seat I see that a girl is sitting next to the seat. I don't think much of it. Now I move closer and am several footsteps away from the chair and I get more details about the girl. I recognize her straightish curly hair and her backpack.
These might seem like random attributes of a person, but I was pretty sure that the girl that was sitting right ahead of me is a girl that I really liked. Infact she was really the first girl I ever texted and talked to a lot. I should be happy that I get to sit next to her and talk to her more. However I have a panic attack and I turn around and go to the direction of the bathroom.
This is so awkward. If it was her, she must have seen me... I look like such an idiot.
GameStunts: > she must have seen me... I look like such an idiot.
You're (wrongly) assuming that she knows it was her that caused you to run. Relax a bit friend. You have all the information, she doesn't.
What is it about her that made you have the panic attack? Are you afraid of something she might ask in conversation while you're there?
You say you've texted and talked to her a lot before, so what was different?
You may be over thinking some things. Keep in mind, YOU know why you ran, she doesn't, so when you see her next, don't bring it up. If she does, just say you forgot something and had to run out, then ask her how she is.
You'll be ok :)
tryptonite12: I like you :-) Listen to this person, they speak the wisdom of painful experience.
GameStunts: <3
| 4 | 9.25 | |
1390618023 | 1390652045 | t3_1w35sn | t5_2to41 | 50 | OrkBjork: TIFU by telling my boyfriend I need to focus on school.
Hi.
Since the new semester started I've been going ham on all my homework. I spend pretty much all my time in between and after classes doing homework or studying.
See, last semester was my first semester of college, and I somehow managed to get a 4.0. As someone who barely managed a 2.5 in highschool, I was so proud of myself. I must have told my parents a hundred times about how happy I was. They were really proud of me.
Break ended.
I went back to school, and I'm determined to do just as well. Literally anything below a 4.0 will leave me disappointed in myself.
I'm aware how dumb that sounds. I know work experience is more important than GPA, and that it means very little after college. Still. I can't help but want to keep my 4.0.
ANYWAYS
As a result, I've been very occupied studying. I don't log into skype or steam until I'm done for the night, usually around 7PM, whereas before I was constantly putting my homework off to play games instead. My boyfriend has noticed that I haven't really been playing games anymore and I'm not on skype so he can't talk to me.
I told him how I felt. That's where I fucked up.
I cried. And when I cry I start to exaggerate shit in my mind, then when I express that, they sound even more exaggerated.
Basically, I ended up telling him, "I'm changing a lot as a person, and my priorities are different. You **were** everything I needed before, but now I need something else."
WHAT I MEANT TO SAY: "I need more time to study without distractions."
He seriously thought I was breaking up with him because of the way I said it.
A couple days later, I told him that I hadn't meant to suggest we should break up. He's still tip-toeing around me though, like he's afraid to say something that might make me break up with him.
**TL;DR I fucked up by creating unnecessary tension in my relationship by accidentally getting overemotional about something stupid, now my boyfriend thinks I want to dump him.**
bidkar159: Ouch, well if he is tip-toeing around that must mean that he's not trying to set you off cause he values you. Give you a little space. Just take some time and talk to him. If you have time surprise him and take him out somewhere, if he is not used to seeing you as much then by you initiating something, will most definitely fill him up with relief that he hasn't lost you.
(unless of course your giving signals of this is the "last supper" (last date) cause if that would happen i'd be scared to death)
Just saying there is nothing worse then rejection or losing something.
OrkBjork: It sounds crazy selfish, given how much stress I probably caused him, but I'm mostly worried that he takes me less seriously because it was a really dumb thing to get upset about.
Thanks for your advice, I feel like that's a pretty good way to do some damage control. Hopefully we'll just put this thing behind us and I can stop feeling embarrassed.
Sultice: You should write him a letter/email explaining everything. Finish it off by reassuring him you love him.
| 4 | 12.5 | |
1390628075 | 1390704188 | t3_1w3i5g | t5_2to41 | 8 | throwthrowthrowitup: TIFU by being polyamorous and having brain damage
Alternative (but much less interesting) title: TIFU by asking my husband’s friend if he’d like to make out with me.
I understand intellectually that most people differentiate affectionate relationships between friendly and sexual. They would never think of, much less talk about, having sex with their friends. And especially never their friends’ wives, because it is a generally accepted truth that certain physical acts should be reserved for only one particular type of relationship, and only one of those relationships at a time. I also understand that as someone who suffered a traumatic brain injury in her formative years, I am extremely prone to impulsive, risky and other somewhat antisocial behaviors.
But I just don’t *get* it. I love my close friends and enjoy spending time with them and doing things to make them happy, so it seems reasonable for us to enjoy each others’ bodies as well. My relationship with my husband involves almost unfettered access to sex, yes, but so much more. Our bond is so deep that our lives more or less encompass each others’, and the health of it depends on mutual respect, support, compromise, etc, all of which has much more to do with communication than with pleasure. To me, it seems like occasionally experiencing physical pleasure with someone else I’m close to could only improve my sexual relationship with my husband. Like how going for a night out alone with friends is a refreshing break from the monotony of daily life with your SO, but also reminds you of what it is you love about that life and why you want to spend most of it with that person. But most people disagree with me, so I just try to control myself the best I can.
The end result is that I very few really close friends, because I am afraid of how acquaintances will react if I share my thoughts on the subject, or worse impulsively proposition them. I have two old and dear friends, one of whom I’ve slept with. The other I’ve discussed sleeping with, and he turned me down and explained that he didn’t feel the same way about sex that I did, which hurt my feelings for a little while but I never brought it up again. I have never cheated on my husband, but have had sex with one other person since we’ve been together -the aforementioned friend- with his knowledge and consent. He understands how I feel, but is nervous about nonmonogamy, so I try not to complicate matters for his sake.
So here I am, a mess of contradictions and raging hormones and impulses that may or may not be the fault of my damaged neural structure. On top of it all, I’ve been in an extreme amount of chronic pain for the past few weeks, and fighting the depression that stems from the pain. I made it through the night shift at work without ever voicing the pained scream that squatted in the back corner of mind, so by the time I came home I wanted to celebrate and be soothed with physical affection. I wondered if maybe my husband’s friend, who had slept over, would like to join me because I thought we would have fun and enjoy it. I fed the cats and cleaned up a bit, gathering my courage before finally thinking, “Just go for it, ask him. It's better to know than let the opportunity pass."
I crept in the guest bedroom where he was sleeping, fully clothed on top of the covers. The door was open because he liked to let the cats sleep with him. I sat next to him on the bed by his legs and said, “Good morning. When’s work?”
He groggily replied, “Morning. I have to leave around 12.”
“Okay, cool.” I pulled my legs under me and lay down next to him, not touching him yet because I hadn’t asked. “Do you want to make out?”
“Um, no. Not really,” he didn’t sound especially surprised, or upset.
“Awww, oh well,” I was disappointed, but more at myself for having made the mistake than him for rejecting me. I rolled off the bed and stood to walk away quickly. “Want some coffee?”
“Sorry. What time is it?” I should have let him sleep in, he and my husband had probably been up late playing games.
“Don’t be sorry, it’s fine. It’s early.” I went to the kitchen and put coffee on. He went back to sleep and I went to bed before he left, so we didn't say anything else to each other.
The end result is that no harm was done, except I'm once again guilty of committing a huge social gaffe that I don't exactly understand. And I don't understand why sometimes I can't just stop myself from doing things like that. I feel very lonely.
EDIT: I doubt anyone will bother to read this, but whatever. I need to update this for my own piece of mind. All the hate to me in the comments is absolutely justified. I was completely in a state of denial when I wrote this, rationalizing my actions to seem reasonable when in fact what I did was totally stupid, childish and selfish. I wanted something to make myself feel good, and talked myself into pursuing it even though it was a bad idea. In the process I made an absolute ass of myself, and it could have been so much worse.
I have decided that I absolutely need to make it a priority to find a good therapist to help me control my impulses and intrusive thoughts; because looking back with a more stable mood, I have absolutely no idea how I managed to convince myself that what I did was in any way justifiable. I would never characterize myself as the kind of person who would so callously jeopardize the relationships I have with the people I love, and yet that is exactly what I did.
I've told my husband about what happened and talked about it with him and the friend. My husband thinks it's funny, and that the worst case scenario would be that he had said "yes" and we'd have had fun for an hour, and then the three of us would be a bit weird around one another for awhile after. The friend says he is kind of flattered and hasn't given it much thought; he apparently just figured I was drunk or otherwise out of my mind and didn't want to take advantage. And I have a mental spreadsheet of dirty names that I'm calling myself, cross-referenced to a list of reasons my husband should leave me to find someone more worthy of him. Somewhere between all three is the appropriate, normal reaction. And I hope to all Hell that one day I find it.
Thank you all for all your insight, song lyrics and character assassinations. Sometimes objective outside input is necessary to keep one from getting lost in their own head.
Moonreaver: My polyamorous friend.. You're in a mass of trouble again.
darkestburningstar: Don't worry, I get the refrence
Moonreaver: :) I was waiting for someone to get it lol
| 4 | 2 | |
1390630853 | 1390682282 | t3_1w3l3j | t5_2to41 | 43 | expatscot: TIFU by misunderstanding the Mile High Club
So, for my class I have to do a project that I'm basing around paragliding.
We can get bonus credit for incorporating real life situations, text, etc. So, evidently, there is so much room for getting bonus credit here, right!?
Me, and my obviously intelligent brain, think its a good idea to use the "Mile High Club" in the title. Not fully understanding what it was (I thought it was a group of people who, I don't even fucking know, did some shit in the air) I submitted it to turnitin with it in my title.
Googled it after, and the definition is "The term Mile High Club (or MHC) is a slang term applied collectively to individuals who have sexual intercourse while on board an aircraft.". This really, really, really isn't good because I need a good grade on this paper otherwise I'll fail the class and get whacked.
I feel like Macbeth. Don't tell me I don't know what Macbeth is, I don't even fucking care because my level of understanding is at the same level of Mitt Romney and his 47%.
TL;DR Had sex in plane with teachers and snakes.
WPBDoc: 47% of those who read this are going to down vote it for the cheap Romney shot.
qqitsdennis: >53%
shotglasss: That's the number of welfare recipients we have in the US now, right?
qqitsdennis: I think that's more like 8%.
| 5 | 8.6 | |
1390627008 | 1390676237 | t3_1w3gxg | t5_2to41 | 352 | Tonks_Whovian: TIFU by peeing in my boyfriend's bed
So I am a 20 year old female and I normally sleep at my boyfriend's apartment on the weekend.
Last night was not unlike many others before it, we hung out we made/ate dinner together just normal couply bullcrap.Earlier that night, us and some of our friends were playing Dungeons and Dragons and I decided to start drinking a few glasses of Moscato. It was after I had about 3, that I remember I had a tournament on Saturday and was supposed to be hydrating. So I drank about 4 cups of water to try and cancel out the wine.
After we had finished our encounter, we decided to call it a night. We went to bed normally and that's when it happened.
I started having these weird ass dreams where I was trying to stop witch hunters from attacking my coven but in the middle of the attack, I decided I needed to pee. So in my dream I go to the bathroom and sit on the toilet. It was then that my consciousness reminded me that I was having a dream and to hold on to my bladder. But then I continued to dream that I got up from my bf's bed and went to the bathroom, where I let my very full bladder just let 'er rip. It was then that I actually woke up and found myself, the blankets, the mattress, and parts of my boyfriends blankets and parts of my boyfriend covered in pee.
I couldn't believe that I had just peed all over my boyfriend's bed. I was incredibly embarrassed and almost cried.
I woke him up and explained what happened, he took it very well and gave me a hug and said it could have happened to anyone. We washed all the sheets and blankets and flipped the mattress. We decided the only rational thing to do after was to take a shower-together. where he proceeded to take his oh so sweet revenge and pee on me to. TIFU by peeing in my boyfriend's bed :(
Drpoppler: Blame it on his grandma
juicylips336: That story was awesome.
2heartslovelycanter: Link?
Kynandra: To the past
2heartslovelycanter: Genius
| 6 | 58.666667 | |
1390624807 | 1390704612 | t3_1w3e98 | t5_2to41 | 70 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to clear my sinuses.
This one's short and sweet, as it just happened.
So, we have hardly anything left in the kitchen (don't get paid for a few days) and my sinuses have been congested. I don't have any sinus medication, or money to buy any.
I do, however, have an onion and some horseradish sandwich spread.
Needless to say I now have terrible heartburn and the worst aftertaste in the history of aftertastes.
Aaand my sinuses were unclogged for about 5 minutes.
chalkchick0: Drink warm water to dilute the burn. A teaspoon of olive oil, margarine, or butter will help coat your stomach. Heat a pan of water to boiling, put some of the horseradish sauce in it and breathe the steam. That will loosen your congestion and can be heated and breathed repeatedly. Hope you get to feeling better.
[deleted]: Sound advice, thank you. I was on very little sleep last night when I pulled that genius stunt.
chalkchick0: Pobodies nerfect. Have a better day today.
dodle4: I see what you did there.
| 5 | 14 | |
1390623451 | 1390709102 | t3_1w3cll | t5_2to41 | -14 | [deleted]: TIFU at the hairdresser.
I asked that he cut it to about an inch, he understood cut about an inch. Being the sleep deprived idiot that I am, I only realized it after I paid. Not wanting to go back in and explain the misunderstanding, I went to another hairdresser who got it right.
Ended up paying $57 for a cut that usually cost $20. Still can't believe how stupid I was.
Zintilyaspin: In India, I get my hair cut for Rs. 50. The equivalent of 83 cents. Have fun.
robbo101: Aahhh, but how much do you get paid by the sweat shop/call centre?
Zintilyaspin: It really irritates me that people can be so fucking racist. I don't even understand it. Do you think this is humor? Because it's not; it's just fucking retarded and offensive. Think about it logically for a second. If I did work in a sweatshop or a call centre, I wouldn't be able to type out this message because a) I wouldn't have access to a computer b) I wouldn't be able to speak English.
| 4 | -3.5 | |
1390624209 | 1390670614 | t3_1w3djg | t5_2to41 | 49 | Dosaccess: TIFU Big meeting in Germany. Passport expired.
Annual meetings, important people. I'm the key speaker. Arrived at airport. Passport expired. Had to tell everyone. Need to reschedule everything for 2 days later. Feeling nauseous.
GameStunts: Passports last 10 years, it's not exactly something you're in the habit of renewing, so don't beat yourself up over it.
You've rescheduled, you've done the right thing as far as you possibly can.
Wishing you the best.
Dosaccess: Thank you, Gamestunts. I appreciate the words. They all make sense. Of course, although I'm still nauseous.
positronus: Create entry in Google Calendar or similar to remind you 6 months before expiration day. I had the same issue couple of years ago, but after creating such reminder for everyone in my family we are never blindsided by this.
SidePone: Brilliant
| 5 | 9.8 | |
1390675698 | 1390713806 | t3_1w4r0f | t5_2to41 | 8,871 | jaw-punch-throwaway: TIFU by punching a tween girl
After class the other day, I went to pick up my younger sister at the middle school. When I got there, I was shocked to see her getting beaten on by an older girl, with a few others looking on. She wasn't even fighting back. She was just curled up, covering her face.
I broke into a run and yelled for them to leave her alone. The girl who was hitting her just sort of looked at me, probably thinking I was some aftercare worker coming to shoo her away. "She started it!" the bully lied. Bullshit. I shoved her out of the way and checked up on my sister. She had some scrapes, but otherwise seemed okay, just shaken.
I've never seen her so scared, though. Tears were just pouring down her face. The bully girl didn't give a fuck, tried to pin the fight on her, and grabbed a fistful of her hair. Well, shit, I kinda lost control, and decked her upside the head. Her friends started screaming, and they all scampered off. I took my sister inside to get cleaned up by the nurse. She promised to let the principal know about our scuffle.
That night, our parents got a phone call. Apparently, I punched that girl so hard that her jaw dislocated, and her dad was shitting himself with rage. My parents think I did the right thing, but we could potentially be in some legal trouble. We know the bully's family has no case (multiple witnesses could identify her as the aggressor and my sister has a black eye), but they could buy a good lawyer, which is much more powerful. We'll just have to see where this goes.
TL;DR Punched a kid who was attacking my sister, may get sued
syncrotic: Goddamn, delete this post, **right-fucking-now**. If it looks like you might be in legal trouble, the last thing you need is a public confession.
Yeah, you used a throwaway, but /r/TIFU has 150,000 subscribers, and the circumstances of this case would allow someone to ID you pretty easily.
pvtsn0ballz: i don't think hes denying he punched her...what happened happened. its a matter of whether or not its justified.
jaw-punch-throwaway: Yeah. There's nothing in this post that I wouldn't say in a court of law, if it comes to that.
Mister_Lurker: You say what your lawyer tells you to say, buddy.
Private_no_touchy: "I'm a little tea pot short and sto...you know, I'm not sure how this is gonna get my charges dropped"
boomer478: "Shh, just go for the insanity plea!"
[deleted]: Works *every* time.
SapperInTexas: Fuck it, play the race card!
snowfey: "But sir, you're white."
NextArtemis: "Oh is it not ok to be white? Are you racist?"
mego-pie: " pfff haven't you been listening to the sjw's? you can't be racist to whites" ( please read this in a voice dripping with irony)
PolishHammerMK: DASS RAYCIS
| 13 | 682.384615 | |
1390678132 | 1390794994 | t3_1w4upi | t5_2to41 | 20 | jacefair109: TIFU by vaulting my stairs
So, today I got up about 10 minutes too late (which is commonplace for me). I getting myself ready when I heard the bus coming around the corner. Knowing I had seconds left, I pulled my coat on (which was solid black, this'll be important later), grabbed my backpack off the banister, and prepared to vault over the banister (like I do almost every day). Now, in my house, we have a switchback staircase going down towards the front door, but there's a part over the hall where it goes straight to the floor. I run towards this, and grab the banister in preparation to vault. I have many years experience in gymnastics, so this isn't a difficult thing for me to do.
But here's where things went wrong. Several things conspired against me at once. First, my mom got up and stepped out of her room just as I was going to jump. Normally, she doesn't wake up for another half hour, but she was awake for some reason. She gave a little shout of surprise at seeing me running top-speed towards the banister. Second, the banister broke. It wasn't catastrophic failure, I could still recover fine, but the top railing detached. I too gave a small shout, and instinctively grabbed the wooden bar. Third, and most importantly, my dad walked down the hall. He must have been investigating the commotion, I don't know. Now, my dad has severe PTSD, and he is extremely paranoid. He always thinks there are people trying to have him killed. So imagine what he thought when he heard his wife and son shout, and then saw a very tall young man in all-black leap over the banister with a long stick in his hand and a stuffed backpack over his shoulder.
Short answer, he thought I was an assassin, stealing his stuff before going to kill him.
He tackled me as I landed, ripped the stick out of my hand (breaking my wrist in the process), and proceeded to beat me senseless with it. It took about 6 hits before he realized it was me.
I wound up in the hospital with a broken wrist (as I said), broken arm in two places, horrible concussion, severely cracked scull, and 6 broken ribs, not to mention the horrible bruises and internal bleeding.
I'm going to miss about a month of school, probably fail my AP classes as a result of missing so much stuff. Not to mention end my gymnastics career forever - about a year of little activity, which will put me so out of shape that I may never get back into it.
bluntobj3ct: I don't believe you.
jacefair109: This is totally fucking true. I'm in the hospital right now.
bluntobj3ct: Oh you're at the hospital right now with a broken wrist, a broken arm in two places, a concussion, a cracked skull, and 6 broken ribs, as well as bruises and internal bleeding? How could I ever have doubted you?!
You've got a camera and an internet connection, go ahead and prove ONE of these things are true.
jacefair109: Um... no? I don't feel like giving a picture of me to anonymous people on the internet, especially not with the amount of context about my life you have. Sorry if I'm a little bit paranoid, but I don't like having people know everything about my life. I don't have a camera with me at the hospital anyways.
This was actually several days ago, it wasn't literally today. I only just got around to posting it. I wasn't in much of a state to be typing after being beaten with a stick.
Does this seem like the kind of thing somebody would make up? Do you just want a picture of my broken arm or something? I can do that when I get my phone available, as long as it doesn't have my face in it.
EDIT: I can get some x-rays, that'd be easy
gwallace1612: So you have a phone with inter et, but no camera on said phone? And you're able to type all this with all that broken? Oookaayy theenn
THE_DINOSAUR_QUEEN: He never said he typed this on his phone, and his computer might not have a camera on it. He actually said that when he gets his phone he can take photos.
| 7 | 2.857143 | |
1390678166 | 1390709665 | t3_1w4urs | t5_2to41 | 60 | thedude018: TIFU By erasing my childhood.
I had a friend over last night. We got bored as expected. So we went down in my basement to tinker with the old desktops, here's where the fun comes in. We decided to disassemble the newest one, given we thought it was bricked. It wasn't. I ripped open the hard drive, gathering dust on it and scratching it. Turns out it had 10 years of my childhood, old pets, and tax info on it. Fuck my life. I fucked up bad.
Kcb1986: OP, if the hard drive is still intact. You should be able to take it to a computer repair shop and have all the data removed and saved.
[deleted]: If the actual disk has seen the open air, you're very unlikely to get anything back.
EDIT: Also OP, it's quite difficult to feel sorry for you. Everything that is absolutely unloseable should be on a hard drive, an online backup site, and a pen drive stored somewhere at the VERY least.
irGoodman: Data that isn't backed up more than once is data you don't really want.
thedude018: I'm not looking for people to feel sorry. Also I'm 15 so it isn't my responsibility to back up our shit. I should've thought abouto doing it though.
creamersrealm: Well you can send it to drive savers for a free evaluation, but your pretty much screwed.
| 6 | 10 | |
1390682301 | 1390893422 | t3_1w510n | t5_2to41 | 40 | [deleted]: TIFU: After waiting two years for the new season of Sherlock to come out, I accidentally started episode three without noticing for 40 minutes, consequently spoiling some of the biggest twists.
I'm such a fucking idiot. Goddammit.
le_mous: Ah damn. As a fan of that show, I got nothing but compassion for you, bro. That SUCKS.
Also, I am going to try to forget you posted this here just in case you accidentally and inadvertently/unintentionally give away any of these twists that you mentioned :)
I_am_Norwegian: Yeah. I just thought "It's been two years, maybe I'm just not remembering exactly what happened."
Luckily each plot is largely self-contained, so I still get to enjoy the main plots. Plus I get to look for the clues to figure out if there's any foreshadowing to what's going to happen.
TBS_: Sånn er livet, du kan jo alltids se på mesterens mester istedenfor.
[deleted]: Lol, det er hysterisk morsomt, hvorfor er du skrive i norsk?
TBS_: PGA. brukernavnet til OP.
| 6 | 6.666667 | |
1390679864 | 1390785144 | t3_1w4xdo | t5_2to41 | 29 | dubitate: TIFU by fucking up five years ago...
I'm a musician, and I sent my CV to a very big Publicity Music Agency... They've answer me "good news!", with a invitation for a Interview... I went... there they ask to see some older stuff I've made, I then pass them a older link I have, with some older stuff, however I've forgot that in that link was also some shit lousy work I did for money five years ago, some music for a old very fanatic christian lady, and I'm not a christian at all, but the worst thing is that it was a very shit music I've made for that lady, badly written and badly played, and I completely forgot that it was in that link, I've should delete it... and they payed a lot of attention to those musics, with the expression in their faces: this is very a bad music... they payed much more attention to those musics than to the new stuff that they previously liked, even after I explained: That was five years ago... now they not only think I'm not good enough, but they also think I'm a fanatic christian... being a fanatic christian is not good in publicity music here... Job is not happening...
Two Lessons:
1 - Never make shit jobs, so you don't have to make the mistake of showing shit past jobs...
2 - Never show your shit past jobs...
[deleted]: The most concerning part is your unrelenting use of the word "musics."
flume: OP is clearly not a native English speaker. Who cares?
[deleted]: So? If he isn't corrected he'll live his whole life saying musics. I'm trying to do him a favour by saving him from humiliation.
| 4 | 7.25 | |
1390692488 | 1390704141 | t3_1w5gvs | t5_2to41 | 69 | Why_did_I_do_this: TIFU by singeing my penis
So the heat in my apartment is shoddy at best so i use one of those portable space heaters to stay warm. Anyway I had some free time on my hands and nowhere to be so I decided to fap. My jeans naturally are around my ankles while I'm keeping my feet warm in front of the heater. Once I'm all done and cleaned up I pull up my pants up just over the balls but my exposed penis rests on my zipper. The same zipper that just spent 15min inches from the space heater. Luckily it didn't leave a mark but it was extremely painful and I felt my plight should be shared with others
TLDR: rested my penis on a scalding zipper.
KristyConfused: On a similar (but less painful) note, I once singed the velcro on a pair of shoes by putting them next to a space heater overnight to dry out. There was enough undamaged velcro that they weren't ruined.
shark_claws: Damn, I was on the edge of my seat reading that
KristyConfused: I know, it's not that exciting. But if it was I'da submitted it as a TIFU instead of making it a comment. The backstory for that comment is slightly more interesting, but not really a TIFU subject matter.
shark_claws: True
| 5 | 13.8 | |
1390694677 | 1390713722 | t3_1w5k55 | t5_2to41 | 173 | Snytbaggen: TIFU by not checking my trombone at my grandmother's funeral
I play trombone and my brother plays french horn. Our grandmother passed away two weeks ago and the funeral was held yesterday, and the only wish she made before she passed was to have me and my brother playing Amazing Grace during the funeral. So it's something I really didn't want to mess up. Since we both study in different towns we hadn't really had any time to practice together until the day before the funeral, but it was a simple song so there wasn't really any problems.
So we get to the church about an hour before the funeral starts and unpack our stuff. Now with brass instruments the tuning changes a bit depending on the instrument's temperature, so you generally want to keep blowing hot air in it while you're not playing so it doesn't go out of tune. Since we were supposed to play a bit into the funeral there wasn't really any point in keeping it warm before that, so I never bothered to blow any air in it, despite my brother advising me to. My brother was able to discreetly take up his horn and blow hot air into it a few minutes before we were supposed to play, but because of the shape and size of a trombone I couldn't really do that. I just had to rely on my ability to compensate with the slide if it was out of tune.
So our turn comes, I pick up my trombone and we go up to play. Out of habit I tried to blow some air through it, but it was jammed! I tried again and some air could pass through, but with a lot of resistance. There was no way I would be able to play with it like this. I started to panic inside, and all sorts of thoughts started running through my head. My trombone has an extra valve, so my first thought was that something might be wrong with that. "Ah, it's half way open and stuck. There, that should fix it." Nope. I'm panicking even more now, and since this was the only thing my grandma requested I really didn't want mess it up more than I already had. I started checking everything I could think of: removing the mouthpiece, looking into the slide, removing the slide, looking into where the slide connects to the bell but I didn't see anything. At this point my brother and a lot of the people attending had started to give me strange looks. I looked into the bell and finally saw what it was. The small bottle of slide lubricant I brought with me had somehow gotten into the bell and was now firmly stuck there. I announced that something's stuck in the trombone, and tried to remove it. Shaking didn't do anything, and it was too far in for me to be able to reach with my hands. I decided to try to blow it out so I extended the slide and blew as hard as I could while quickly retracting the slide to increase the pressure. The bottle flew out with a loud POP and slammed onto the ground. That cleared the airways, and we were able to perform the song. People later complimented me for handling the situation well and keeping my cool, but inside I was pretty much panicking the whole time. This all could have been avoided if I had followed my brother's advice to blow some warm air into the instrument earlier...
**TL;DR**: Small bottle got stuck in trombone. Was supposed to play a very important song but couldn't get any air through the trombone. Finally removes the bottle in a dramatic way, playing goes on as planned. Could've been avoided if I had listened to my brother.
WPBDoc: I bet your grandma laughed.
I hope if something like that happens at my funeral, everyone enjoys it. Stuff like this is what good memories and funny family stories are made of.
Jasondazombie: They heard a muffled"HAHAHA" from the casket.
qwasz123: "I'm not dead yet!"
| 4 | 43.25 | |
1390702615 | 1390741552 | t3_1w5vf5 | t5_2to41 | 5 | GreysonHalstead: TIFU by breaking my water only rule and drinking caffeine.
I've been drinking only wanter since New Years, just got the cacfeine and sugar craving out of the way, my sis wanted to go for a coffee, without thinking I agreed and once there I ordered a 'shot in the dark' (dark roast coffee withe a shot of espresso.) I drank it, realized my screw up, but said, "Oh well." And went about my day. This was at noon. It was all I had to eat today and when I got home I went on a cleaning frenzy in my apartment, scrubbed the whole thing (which was already clean), amd then a migraine set in.
Now, I had forgotten that I still hadn't eaten anything but that Shot In The Dark, and since my migrant was setting in, I downed 2 aleve and 20mg of Valium. On an empty stomach.
I'm going to be falling over shortly and I have company on their way. This should be interesting to say the least.
My vision is clearing (silent migraines always preclude the pain for me, so I try to head them off at the pass), but I feel slower. Not my smartest move. On an empty stomach 10mg of valium should have been more than enough. Crap.
bakedrice: do you have zero food at your house or something? at least drink some juice or milk to get some calories in... dont understand why you didnt eat anything...
GreysonHalstead: I do have food, I just forgot to eat until later. I didneat though, and I'm fine. I was just high as a kite for a little bit. Lol Totally my fault and in the curture I'll be more.careful. :)
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1390703276 | 1390758036 | t3_1w5wdb | t5_2to41 | 6 | KristyConfused: TIFU shaving in the shower
Pertinent information: I'm a pre-hormone, and thus pre-op, transgender woman.
When I shower, I also shave my chest and belly. The other day I was going at with a 4-blade razor when, in my carelessness, I made contact with the tip of my dick. I stopped in shock, but there was no pain. My belly and the small size of my penis makes it hard for me to see it, so I just continued, hoping for the best. Luckily, it turns out I didn't break the skin - the very sensitive and thin skin of the glans. I've been more careful since then.
Moonreaver: You should change the title to TIFU by telling reddit I have a tiny schmeckel.
KristyConfused: As a transwoman, I'm not hung up on penis size.
Moonreaver: As a insane person, Me neither :P I was kidding.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1390691571 | 1390785529 | t3_1w5fgc | t5_2to41 | 26 | Makes-it-worse: Tifu by forgetting to turn off airplay mirroring.
At my fiancée's family gathering where her whole extended family was there. Had been showing a couple of youtube vids earlier. 10 min later, go to bathroom, decide to randomly check out some porn on Reddit.
FUCK
ratchet132: At least it wasn't tranny porn.
..Right?
SilentScience: OP, right? Right? Oh God!
KevenM: Better! /r/clopclop
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1390709919 | 1390865477 | t3_1w6565 | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by driving home in snow
Just got off work not even 20 minutes ago and I slid into a curb going about 20 mph ( about an inch of snow which isn't a big deal usually) and I fucked up the toe and frame of my car. I'm so upset guys. I put heart and soul into my car. Fuck :/
KevinLee487: Did you hit a spot of ice or are you running on all seasons? If so, let this be a lesson to you to get some dedicated winter tires.
Its literally a night and day difference.
DirtyChevy: Lol, winter tires. Just learn how to drive in the snow. Maybe i'm jaded because i drive a truck, but i only have all season tires, and we get 8 or 9 inches of snow at times, and i've never had a problem.
KevinLee487: Trucks are entirely different than RWD cars in the snow.
If I didn't have winter tires on my Trans Am, it wouldn't move in our Chicago winters. My best friend has a 98 Trans Am ( I have a 99 ) and with his summer tires, its a constant battle to get around in that thing. With my tires, you would barely know there is snow on the road. A good driver can't do anything when the tires have a complete loss of traction.
I've driven the last 2 winters in V8 F-Bodies with bald all-season tires ( 88 Trans Am GTA, 93 Camaro Z28 ). I never crashed or spun out, but its a major PITA compared to just getting some dedicated winter tires to throw on for the cold months.
DirtyChevy: You know trucks are rwd too, don't you? With less weight over the rear axle too.
KevinLee487: Yes, but their tires concentrate the grip moreso than most RWD cars simply because they're taller with *about* the same width, if not skinnier. ( I believe my dad's 04 F-150 has 225mm wide tires compared to my 255s )
Also trucks are a lot heavier so its easier to get traction from a stop since they sink farther into the snow.
DirtyChevy: Maybe your full size trucks are heavier, but i drive a Ranger. Not much heavier than sedan.
KevinLee487: Most of our trucks in the US exceed 4500lbs. The F-150 I mentioned weighs 4908 with the options that particular truck can have.
They range from 4800 to 7200lbs. Our diesels can get to over 8000lbs. By comparison, my car weighs ~3500lbs give or take 50lbs.
| 8 | 2.25 |
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