start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1390742655 | 1390787755 | t3_1w6w6b | t5_2to41 | 26 | nathanm8: TIFU by dropping my iphone in a shit box.
Today, as it is Australia Day I went out to a public concert because it was free and I was meeting up with some relatives.
Upon arriving and seeing the family, I felt the unmistakable urge to take a shit. These events normally have porta-loos, and this one did but it was an older style one which basically was just a toilet seat over a hole in which human fecal matter collects. So I sat down and did my business but when I stood up, an awful 'plop' noise came from the toilet as I looked down and saw the inevitable - my iPhone 5s was sitting in layers of strangers' shit.
I wasn't even going to bother to fetch it out, if some hobo decides they want a shit covered phone then they can have it, I'm just going to buy a new one.
WPBDoc: I respect your decision. Neither you, nor the phone, would have ever been the same had you chosen to retrieve it. Well played, mate. Well played.
nathanm8: Not only would it smell of shit but it would probably not work because of drowning in piss.
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1390747564 | 1390780263 | t3_1w70kg | t5_2to41 | 2,542 | legitsh1t: TIFU by jizzing in my mom's bed
So, we'll start off with some context: I'm in my early 20s. I live with my mom(Feel free to laugh, it's free and she cooks). I work nights, meaning I sleep all day. My bedroom is in the perfect position for the sun to shine full force, even with the blinds down. My mom's bedroom, on the other hand, is completely shaded and is almost pitch black during the day when the blinds are down. It's a pretty obvious choice to sleep in her room during the day while she's up and about.
So, yesterday, I was sleeping in her room as usual. I had a very vivid dream about a girl I knew and woke up to feel what every post-pubescent boy dreads. To make things worse, I was lying face down. I hastily got up and realized the jizz was seeping into the sheets. Still with some sticking to the insides of my pajamas, I ran to the bathroom, grabbed a paper towel, wet it, and began to scrub the sheets like a madman. I believe I got most of it out.
I immediately showered, dropped my soiled pajamas in my laundry basket, and went to my room, where I tried to fall back asleep. Shortly after, my mom knocks on my door and asks what I hoped she'd never ask.
"Why are my sheets wet?" she asks. I come up with an excuse on the spot. "I was drinking water and dropped the glass". Thankfully, my mother believes me and continues on with her day.
As I prepared to leave for work, I peeked in her room and saw her lying in her bed. To my horror, I noticed she did not change the sheets. I asked her why she hadn't, and her response was "I figured if it was just water, I'd let it air dry. I just changed the sheets a few days ago, changing them again would be a waste."
I spent all night at work imagining my mom lying in my dried cum...
1minuteman: i can guarantee your mum masturbates so you where laid in her lady love juice..... enjoy that thought
UniqueSteve: This is exactly how immaculate conceptions happen...
UltimateRealist: Just so you know, the Immaculate Conception does not refer to Jesus being born of a virgin. It refers to Mary being without Original Sin.
Source: former Catholic, who hasn't forgotten it all.
GotMittens: Out of interest, because i don't know and I'm sure many people including active Christians don't either... what's the difference?
UltimateRealist: Catholic teaching says that everyone is born with Original Sin, which Baptism removes. Mary was born without it. The Virgin Birth is a separate, but obviously related, thing. It's a very common mistake that people make - to say that Jesus was immaculately conceived.
GotMittens: But what is original sin if it isn't sex?
frankie_benjamin: Knowledge. Adam and Eve at the fruit, and gained self-awareness.
YouveGotMeSoakAndWet: Sooooo Mary was an idiot?
frankie_benjamin: Well, she let herself get knocked up by a jealous, possessive, vengeful, absentee asshole. What do you think?
[deleted]: looks like someone took an advantage of the special person
Saicotic: This got dark
| 12 | 211.833333 | |
1390747620 | 1390802489 | t3_1w70ma | t5_2to41 | 98 | toomuchheatforawhore: TIFU by packing too much heat for a whore
This is the only place I can think of to unload this story, and I'm still figuring it out in my head. It happened today, and I definitely feel like I fucked up, somehow - probably in a number of ways.
So, background. I'm a mid-twenties software developer in Antwerp for a technical conference. I was also a virgin up until an hour ago. I don't even know whether to still think of myself as one.
As you may know, Antwerp has legal prostitution in a particular area of the city. It's very... gentrified. You can basically walk down the streets within a whole area of the city, and window-shop for whores. There's not even any particular hush-hushedness about it. It's pretty safe (probably more than going to a bar, by far), and the girls are rather attractive.
I had been contemplating the idea of heading down that way for the past couple of days. I've never particularly cared for the idea of losing my virginity to someone special. I have never been all that interested in sex in general. I'm straight, but it's never been a big priority for me. My thought was that, I could see what was so great about sex from someone very experienced.
So, today I went down that way and did a bit of window-shopping. I made a few passes through the streets to find someone I really liked. I've always been partial to petite women, which factors into this story. I found a pretty little Ukrainian one and asked her how much. 50 euros was the answer. It seemed a bit steep, but I'm not strapped for cash, so I figured why not.
We headed up into the little room they each have above their window and I paid her, then she prepared herself in her private bathroom thing, while I got naked. She comes into the room and asks me what I'm wanting, and I just say sex. I don't want to make this into a vulgar story, so I'll just say that she worked on getting me worked up. Being nervous, I was having a bit of stage fright, but was getting there. She kept remarking that I was very big, and I assumed she was just bullshitting me to make me feel good. I've always known I'm on the large side of normal, but I didn't think I was excessively so.
So she spends a while getting me hard, and says to tell her "when I'm ready to fuck". I was still having a hard time getting fully erect, so I figured I'd try it at half-mast, so to speak.
She gets on top, and takes a bit of time trying to stick it in. She kept saying that I needed to "go easy", and seemed to be having a hard time getting me inside of her. Once she finally did, she bore down a bit, stroked twice, and then got off and tried to insist that she just give me a handjob instead, because it was too much for her. I wasn't exactly thrilled by that prospect, as that's not really what I wanted. But, obviously I didn't want to hurt her, so I said she could continue just giving me a blowjob and we'll try again in a bit.
At this point I was pretty turned off. She was definitely not into it, and I was so set on trying to finish that I just started going flaccid. It was pretty embarrassing, and she was watching the clock. I didn't want to repeat this with someone else, so when she said that I needed to finish, I dumbly insisted that I pay her for another bit of time. She agreed, though I sensed a hesitation there.
She washed herself up a bit, then came back and started working at it again. After a bit I said I wanted to try fucking again, and that I wanted to try from behind. This was a bit better, and I was starting to get into it, but after a deep stroke she gasped pretty hard and said it was too much.
After that, I was pretty-much resigned to being done. I tried to get myself going again, but just couldn't get into it.
Embarrassed, frustrated and flaccid, I simply said that I figured we'd best just call it done.
I'm back in my hotel room, and I just keep laughing at myself. I'm trying to objectify the experience as much as I can, and I don't know whether to be frustrated that I'm obviously too big for 'my type', or to be proud of the fact that I pack so much heat I wrecked a whore at half-mast.
I also feel pretty bad for her, as she is probably hurting, and seemed pretty embarrassed that she couldn't get me to finish.
indiexplorer: It's also a well used tactic of prostitutes to make the fucking part troublesome so that customers would lose their erection which would leave the customer frustrated and leave earlier than planned
randuser: That seems like a lot more trouble and time-consuming than just making the guy cum in the first place.
avdale: Think to yourself about what you would rather have happen. A couple minutes of awkward fumbling and repositioning and then having the guy leave or a half an hour trip to pound town by a sweaty stranger.
toomuchheatforawhore: If that was her plan, then it was a bad one, because I aimed to get my money's worth. We definitely spent around fourty minutes working at it.
| 5 | 19.6 | |
1390749967 | 1390772857 | t3_1w735l | t5_2to41 | 956 | mnw96: TIFU by leaving my my homemade fleshlight in the shower.
I'm not even going to bother using a throwaway for this one. It was shower time and I was hating myself more than usual this morning, so with the "fuck-cup" in hand I went to the bathroom. All was going well and when the shame kicked in I deiced to get out and dry off. Refreshed and squeaky clean, I returned to my bedroom browsed Reddit for about 30 minutes. That's when it hit me. I forgot to bring it with me. I casually sprinted to the bathroom only to find that my step sister was in the shower. She hasn't come out yet.
Fuck.
the_kraken_queen: Fuck-cup? I must know what this looks like. I don't know why but I must.
Maybe she won't even know what it is since it's a homemade makeshift thing.
mnw96: Oh she must of known... http://imgur.com/a/w3Vmk
ThatLena: What is that in the cup? Like a sponge?
RichardSaunders: thats what i thought. doesnt look comfy.
blincan: He put a soft layer or plastic on the inside, looks like you can just lube it up and go to town
EverAndy: Looks like a cup stuffed with a sponge on either side, then layered with some kind of latex. Maybe a femidom? Add a bit of lube to that and you're good to go. Good creation op.
Icanttreflip: It looked like a ziploc baggie
degarn: Looks like a rubber glove to me...
| 9 | 106.222222 | |
1390740160 | 1390797825 | t3_1w6ufo | t5_2to41 | 22 | Sultice: TIFU by pulling a prank
Backstory: I used to work at a restaurant at a golf resort. At the resort there was an office building, where a secretary took care of golf-stuff, like managing scorecards, handling fees etc. Every day she'd come over, grab a coffee and small-talk with whoever was working, me and her got along very well and joked around a lot, despite her being 15 years older than me.
One day she came over and decided to pull a prank on me. She said I had left my lights on, on my car (really lame prank, I know). I go to turn them off, see nothing is out of the ordinary and go back thinking wtf? She laughs at me, evidently very proud of her accomplishment. I told her I'd get her back and a plan started to take form...
Because I was working at a golf restaurant, a lot of the customers were regulars, which meant I got to know them somewhat. I knew one of the old players lived across from the secretary, so I had him write her license plate and address up for me. Every so often she'd leave work to go do some shopping in a mall about 5 miles away, one day while small-talking with her, she mentioned picking up some stuff on her break. I quickly wrote down the date and the time I expected her to be at the mall. It had been nearly 3 weeks since she "pranked" me, and I had all the information I needed, so I started writing a letter for her. The letter was from some random old man I made up, that demanded she paid for the damage done to his car, when she left the mall the day I knew she had been there. It said that his grandson had better eyesight than him, and he had been able to make out her license plate. Basically the old man accused her of doing a hit and run on his parked car. I wrote that he was an old cop and that he had used his old contacts to locate her, so he could get a proper apology and wouldn't need to file charges against her. Concluding the letter, I wrote that he expected her to call him and apologize, on top of paying for the damage done to his car. Failure to do so would lead to him filing charges against her. I wrote down my own phone number, thinking she'd call it and I could laugh at her, then posted the letter. My plan didn't go as planned...
A couple days went by without a word, I thought she had figured it out by looking up my number and had decided to just do nothing. A week later I had nearly forgotten about it, when my phone rang. I answered, and a guy claiming to be a cop asked if I was "Erling Christiansen" (the name I had put in the letter to her). Laughing I answered "Kind of!" The guy got pissed, wanting to know what I was doing and I just laughed like a maniac, dead certain it was a man she had asked to call me to counter-prank me. I tried to listen for background laughter on his end, but all I could pick up was fingers typing on a keyboard, meanwhile the guy was getting increasingly pissed off. He said that Lene (the secretary) was at the station trying to get this thing sorted out... slowly it dawned on me that this guy was a real fucking cop, and I had been laughing at him like an idiot. I apologized and told him the entire story, to which he mentioned that it was illegal to pretend to be someone else etc. I could tell he found it a bit funny though and in the end nothing happened.
About 5 minutes after hanging up, Lene calls me... her starting words "You fucking idiot...", we laughed it up and agreed there'd be no more pranking!
Danman101: This is not that bad of an f up.
devals: I dunno man, seems tame by reddit standards, but it'd be pretty jarring if it happened to you, to say the least.
Definitely a prank that got out of hand, glad it had an OK ending!
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1390725035 | 1390886484 | t3_1w6koy | t5_2to41 | 18 | Thencexperience: Tifu by saying too much
First off, I accept my assholeish acts that I committed. Second, I also accept that you're all probably going to tell me that I'm an asshole for doing this. And you'd be 100% right.
Ysk, I'm 17 years old and a junior.
While this is a wall of text, this is still the abridged version, and I'd be happy to answer any questions regarding details and clarity.
So, at the beginning of this year, I decided to make some new friends, and catch up more with people that I've known for a while, but never really became friends with. I have other older friends, and I have no intentions to neglect them in any way, I just have been kind of trying to make more friends. It had all been going very well, we've hung out several times and done regular normal friendy stuff. Anyway, prom is this semester, and I've started thinking about who I'm going to take (I've got a lot of time, but I've just been thinking about it). As it turns out, some of them have been thinking about it too, so we all start throwing out ideas.
One of my new friends, we'll call her Danae, suggests that I take another one of my new friends, who also happens to be her best friend. We'll call her Ash.
This is where I start to get douchey.
Ash is kinda overweight. I'm not. I am
a big person, but that's because I started lifting almost a year ago, and I've gotten relatively fit. I tell Danae that I don't want to take Ash, because I want to take someone as an actual date, and just as friends, which is what we would be going as (which is true). Another reason I don't want to go with her is because I want to go with someone who is not overweight. Call me shallow, or an asshole, or whatever, but I'm not into chubby girls. I'm sorry. I don't tell Danae this though.
Not until today.
Danae bugs me about this several more, and asks me why I don't just take her to prom (to be fair, ash and I are good friends, I just don't want to go to prom with her). Now, ash knows what Danae is trying to do, and is getting kind of pissed at her because she feels like she's being set up for a pity date. So we're both annoyed at Danae.
I finally get pissed and tell Danae that I don't want to take someone as a pity date, because she probably won't get asked by anyone else. I immediately regret saying this, because a) despite it's truth, some things should never be said
and b) Danae will most certainly tell Ash what I said. Which she does.
Granted, Danae was also being a bit of a douche for trying to make me go with Ash, even when I told her that I wasn't interested, but I still responded very, very, very poorly.
And now they have every reason to hate me, and I feel like shit. And Ash feels even worse than I do, because I was a massive asshole.
tl;dr: validity does not always constitute something being said.
Alternate tl;dr: High school horse shit.
devals: You were between a rock and a hard place, and she wouldn't let it go.
The kind of tact it would have taken to get out of that situation gracefully isn't something that comes naturally, but one of those things you pick up along the way. Don't beat yourself up too much about it- it was Danae who made the situation awkward by forcing the issue. If she's a halfway decent person, she most likely realizes this by now, and will not make it worse by revealing what you said to Ash.
She was humiliating her friend by forcing her onto you despite your aversion and discomfort, and if she does tell her what you said, that was probably intentional.
Thencexperience: Well Danae did tell Ash. I thought I included that? Regardless, I'm not sure that it was intentional, although I'm still questioning her being a half decent person. She seems to think that I'm entirely to blame for Ash being hurt, which is complete bullshit. Seriously considering finding new friends at this point haha.
devals: Wow, Danae sounds like a real piece of work.
I'm sorry you got caught up in a power-play between two frenemies, it happens. Either that or she has no social barometer whatsoever, you be the judge. But what kind of friend would turn around and say "yeah, sorry about that date I tried to force on both of you, he said he found you too repulsive." If she truly had her "friend's" best interests at heart to begin with, she could have easily spared her that detail. Yours too- she shows no concern for preserving the integrity of your relationship with your friend, choosing to obviously put more strain on something she had already made unnecessarily awkward.
Thencexperience: Yuuuup. I think it's more of a power play thing, because for as much of a piece of work as she is, she's quite intelligent. But yes, while her actions towards me caught me off guard, what she told Ash surprised me even more. They've been friends for a long-ass time, so her even having the balls to go behind her back and try to set us up is alarming, much less her disclosing what I said.
This whole situation is really shitty though, because of how many mutual friends we have/similar activities we're involved in. I go to a small school, so it'd be hard to just completely drop our friendship over this. My main concern would be her beginning to shit talk me, in which case I would have no problem alienating her over.
| 5 | 3.6 | |
1390764479 | 1390863372 | t3_1w7oan | t5_2to41 | 138 | coffins: TIFU by accidentally taking Seroquel instead of Adderall.
So I've been on Seroquel for about four years now and recently started taking Adderall.
I have two midterms tomorrow and decided to start studying again after my lunch. I mindlessly took my Seroquel, which is at 200 mgs (high enough dosage to knock you out for 6-8 hours), instead of my Adderall. I tried to calmly recollect my thoughts and decided to try to make myself puke before the Seroquel kicks in. It didn't work. Now the blood vessels in my face have ruptured after trying to vigorously make myself puke AND I'm already feeling sleepy. Hopefully I get some studying done after I wake up.
Good night, Reddit. It's time for me to sleep.
adj1: My Mother is in a home and they just called to get permission to up her dose to 62.5 mg and I was concerned, but seeing that you take 200 eased my concerns a bit. Thanks.
EDIT: Out of curiosity, what do you have to take it for? My Mother has dementia.
coffins: I'm up now!
I've been on dosages as high as 600 mgs. It really helps me for my own issues (mood stability, anxiety, and sleep) but I haven't heard of Seroquel being used for people with dementia.
"Neither quetiapine nor rivastigmine are effective in the treatment of agitation in people with dementia in institutional care. Compared with placebo, quetiapine is associated with significantly greater cognitive decline." [Link here](http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC556156/).
Good luck to you and your mother!
lopegbg: So, how did it turn out?
coffins: Well, I woke up a few hours after I took my medication and studied until about 2 am.
First midterm went really well, second one was just a pain in the ass, although not due to lack of studying...everyone was saying it was worded ridiculously.
Thanks for the concern!
| 5 | 27.6 | |
1390763844 | 1390767817 | t3_1w7n8c | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: By waking up late
Due to a fight I had with my dad the night prior, I ended up fapping ridiculously to cope with shaming and wasting my time (playing world of tanks instead of studying for exam on monday). Ended up waking up late, and missing my volunteer shift. I made up some bullshit excuse, but know I'm absolutely fucked. I will lose my extremely valuable shift, and fuck my future for good. I will never be able to volunteer anywhere again since I will likely be fired.
This may not seem that bad, but it makes me feel empty inside knowing that I am the cause of such a big fuck up, and then having my dad (even now) shaming the fuck out of me.
SonicSniper: You also fucked up the title there bud ^
But seriously, you can probably get away with telling the people you volunteer for that the reason was because of mental stress and stuff after that argument (Think of something). I've actually told my own bosses about mental issues and they are happy to help, I know it's kinda different but try and force some sympathy out of them.
[deleted]: I sent an email expressing my "excuse" (I was very sick, and work around old people suffering from weakened immune system, hence didn't want to get them sick), but have not gotten a response...
This is honestly the lowest point in my life, as I am both failing a standardized exam, and losing my volunteer position.
| 3 | 3 | |
1390763614 | 1390782410 | t3_1w7mv3 | t5_2to41 | 64 | [deleted]: TIFU by going after my three month old puppy
I just begun my day, had breakfast down, fed the two dogs, fed the two year old nephew, diaper change, two dogs outside to go potty, TV going for entertainment. Oh, and took care of the cat too.
The problem? One of my dogs is a three month old Great Dane puppy. That means potty training and, well, teething. Lots and lots of teething.
I'm not new to dog owning. I know dogs. Dogs are easy. But I am the only person home.
On to the story:
[Here is the basic lay out of the area I was in](http://i.imgur.com/FN4ZioP.jpg)
For those of you too lazy to click that link, just think big, heavy, solid wood computer desk, minimal amount of movement room, a dog laying by my feet, and a puppy standing, oh, five feet away next to the sofa. I'm facing North.
I look over, in general keeping an eye on the puppy, or Dog 2 as we'll call him. I have Dog 1 laying by my feet, he's an eight year old terrier mix and generally knows better than to chew on random shit.
Before my very eyes, Dog 2 goes after a used up dryer sheet. First I use the general commands, "No!" and "Hey!" Usually saying a loud "Hey!" will get him to drop whatever he's got. This time, oh no. Oh no no no.
I jump up to grab it from Dog 2, but at that very same moment, Dog 1 jumps up. I'm used to this. You move, your dog moves. But this time? This time I had to completely readjust my trajectory.
And in readjusting myself, I full on *kicked* the *heavy, wooden computer desk.*
As I sat in tears, Dog 2 added insult to injury by chewing on my hair.
l am about ninety percent sure my foot is broken, or at least in a lot of pain.
And the worst part is? I can't do anything until my mom gets home at eight o clock tonight, and I still have to chase around the three month old puppy and the two year old nephew.
**TL;DR:** My puppy is trying to kill me.
AWildEnglishman: Aren't Great Danes just *the best!?*
I once made the mistake of startling our Great Dane out of sleep when playing with a dachshund, I now have a ring of tooth scars encircling the top of my skull. He's still my favorite.
ThatOneFace: This puppy sleeps curled up into me.
He's figured out that if he wants me to wake up, he just stretches and kicks me in the face.
It's hard to be mad when you have the puppy the size of a toddler curled up into you though. Oh and you're tired.
| 3 | 21.333333 | |
1390761670 | 1390768565 | t3_1w7jqi | t5_2to41 | 29 | gogofdsa: TIFU by dropping a course that I can't register again
Alright so I'm a freshman at uni and it's my first time ever registering courses online and whatnot. So this course I'm taking has many places reserved for freshmen who have their first semester (it's my second btw). So I see my friend's section has a couple of empty places so as a dumbass I drop my current section and try to register his. The result? His section has those places reserved and now I can't register mine again since it says it's reserved too (wtf?).
So now I have to go to the department and either be put on a waiting list which will probably only make matters worse since I won't be registered anywho as I'm on the last of that list OR the lady at the office will be kind enough to just put me back on that course.
Wish me luck tomorrow reddit!
Edit: Just came back from the department, course added, provlem solved!
lostdeceiver: This is why I add the class first before dropping the other one. Good luck tomorrow.
admiralorbiter: At my school we can just swap classes to help with this problem.
| 3 | 9.666667 | |
1390769522 | 1390793503 | t3_1w7wtn | t5_2to41 | 123 | NaughtyNutsackNinja: TIFU by flashing my sack
So I was hanging out with my mates during our lunch break (I'm 16 BTW), and - unbeknownst to me - I had a rather large hole in the center of my trousers. As our conversation goes on, most of us are sitting on tables (Note, ALMOST all of us). At one point, one of us - lets call him Greg, - is eating a banana, when he looks at me. Disgust creeps onto his face, as I look down and see that my scrotum and testicles were visible. I instantly jump up and tell everyone - who were at this point dying with laughter - to turn around. I 'arrange' myself and then decide to stand up for the remainder of that lunch, to avoid further embarrassment.
One final thing to note is that Greg was eating a banana. A BANANA.
TL;DR Accidentally showed a guy who was eating a banana my balls
Moonreaver: ... Greg's gay.. It wasn't disgust but fake disgust cause your nuts drive him wild.
Edit: the proof is in the banana
Greggster990: Maybe I am gay.
Moonreaver: Isn't that what I said Greg? Shut up and go back to your banana
Greggster990: Do I get anything "Special" ;)
Moonreaver: You get the hose again. And later you run naked through a field of ostriches.
chalkchick0: Sounds ticklish.
Moonreaver: Lol
| 8 | 15.375 | |
1390785351 | 1390847417 | t3_1w8mxw | t5_2to41 | 2,656 | Mark_Zhues: TIFU by watching a Disney movie
The end of the first term for my school tomorrow, and before then I have two papers due, as well as three exams and an art project for my portfolio that needs to be finished, not to mention a handful of interviews that I still need to prepare for.
However, earlier this week I saw Frozen for the first time. Now I consider myself a pretty masculine dude overall- I like working on cars and shooting skeet but I'd be lying if I didn't shed a tear at the end of Frozen, masculinity be damned.
That wasn't the worst part though- seeing Frozen set me off on a huge animated movie binge. Since my first time watching Frozen, I've seen it another 5 times, watched Tangled 4 times, as well as watching all of the Toy Story movies and more. Not to mention picking up the soundtracks for Frozen and Tangled.
I have twelve hours to get my shit together and I just put Tangled back on.
TL; DR: I'm a strong, independent princess who can't do no work.
Neckdragon: So... Do you wanna build a snowman? Come on let's go and plaaayyyyyy...
AliCat95: I never see you anymore...come out the door. It's like you've gone away.
BanetheKira: We used to be best buddies...and now we're not. I wish you would tell me ^^whyyy
cgr100: Do you wanna build a snowman? It doesn't have to be a snowman...
scrubcat: Go away, Anna.
baconbroth: okay byeeeee
cgr100: Do you wanna build a snowman?
Or ride our bikes around the halls?
baconbroth: I think some company is overdue, I've started talking to the pictures on the walls!
cartoons4ever: *Hang in there, Joan*
[deleted]: It gets a little lonely
All these empty rooms, just watching the hours tick ^^byyyy
Schme_schme: *tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock*
lostdeceiver: *Knock* *knock* *knock*
Elsa? Please, I know you're in there.
charanguista: People are asking where you've been
baconbroth: They say have courage and I'm trying to.
I'm right out here for you, just let me innnnnnn
APinchOfSanity: We only have each other, it's just you and me
Epikmunch: What are we gonna do? Do you want to build a snowman? (sniff)
APinchOfSanity: [la piece de resistance](http://25.media.tumblr.com/9e0ebc37b549791354c4a671c0261f62/tumblr_muwa6syoBu1slzqbao1_r1_500.gif)
baconbroth: :(
| 19 | 139.789474 | |
1390793985 | 1390837246 | t3_1w90f8 | t5_2to41 | 5 | mharrison310: TIFU by letting my OCD get the better of me.
TIFU because of alphabetical order, apparently my inner OCD spirit animal decided that having hard drives in a certain order was not good enough and that I should fix it. Originally I had my C drive as my OS, My E drive as movies, F drive as programs, and H drive as TV shows. Before I could use my brain I went into disk manager and changed my drive letters so that E was now programs and F was movies, because I didn't want movies getting between my OS and programs. Now I have a lot of work ahead of my sorting out and setting up my programs because my OS is having issues finding programs in my movie drive.
TL;DR: Think before you change anything about your hard drive configuration.
shkibb: Why can't you just change them back?
mharrison310: I did, but since the file associations had been changed, windows seems to be unhappy. As of now, after about 4-5 hours of work, I got almost everything back, except XBMC which is going to take a lot more time to get it back to how it was.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1390806683 | 1390864456 | t3_1w9hjf | t5_2to41 | 134 | Uncivil_: TIFU by getting hydrochloric acid on my junk
Ok, so my doctor prescribed a 24 hour urine test to check my adrenaline production. This involves getting given a big plastic container with a screw cap to pee into for 24 hours. They also give you a funnel with it, which I incorrectly assumed was for chicks, or maybe guys that are hung like pringles cans, to use. No problem, I put it in my backpack, and ride home.
I get home, and go to take my first leak in the container. I unscrew it and put my wang in, then do my business. I put the container in the fridge as instructed and then notice that my johnson is starting to tingle. It rapidly turns to stinging. Oh shit. The nurse had said something about the container having hydrochloric acid in it as a preservative. I had noticed the little bit of liquid in it, and had just assumed it wouldn't be up around the opening. Wrong. Maybe the ride home had shaken it up, but it was definitely on my wang now.
I freak out and start washing it with wet TP. It isn't helping much. I am trying to decide if I need to call the doctor or the poison hotline, and how dumb it is going to sound trying to explain why I have acid on my junk. Fortunately the burning went away as I scrubbed desperately at it, and there was no damage done except a bit of redness, and my pride.
I used the funnel after that.
Cougs67: You should've put baking soda on it
AWildCanadianApeared: Yeah, this works. HCl + NaHCO3 ---> H2O + NaCl + CO2. Neutralizes a lot of acids pretty quickly.
On that note, your wang is fine. Soapy water will neutralize the acid as well, since soap is a base. The redness is just a minor chemical burn that will make it unpleasant to fap for a few days.
Cougs67: I was thinking that it would neutralize it *and* turn your penis into an angry volcano
AWildCanadianApeared: Not really. It would take a lot more acid to do that. It would fizz a little though. Acids and bases are my favorite chemistry subjects.
| 5 | 26.8 | |
1390808267 | 1390822221 | t3_1w9j1u | t5_2to41 | 5 | ThrowawayYourCarrots: Tifu by forgetting to throw a carrot away
DownUnderDude: As one 13 y.o to another, **dude**.
ThrowawayYourCarrots: What?
DownUnderDude: Why?
ThrowawayYourCarrots: Why did I do it?
DownUnderDude: Yes.
ThrowawayYourCarrots: Pleasure, why else would one masturbate?
XxShadyWolfxX: To keep your semen fresh?
| 8 | 0.625 | |
1390811257 | 1390927006 | t3_1w9llv | t5_2to41 | 0 | 0ddba11: TIFU by using GIT to delete all my source.
Whew, I'm finally done with this short but complicated parallel programming project! Better throw it in a GIT repository and push it out to the server for testing!
git init
git add .
Whoops, added a vim .swp file. Better remove it from the commit... actually, just undo the entire thing, we'll add a .gitignore and start over.
> a .gitignore later...
Perfect! Now to undo that commit with the extra swap file...
git rm .
Hm, it complains.... something about an -r and -f flag? Just do it! Work is done woohoo!
git rm -rf .
.... and all my code is deleted. ಠ_ಠ
I've done this twice now in my life. Obviously I'm an idiot, but this is the only way I've ever straight up lost my source code.
Maxxhat: speak in english
Cancani: looks like were two
| 3 | 0 | |
1390812768 | 1390933421 | t3_1w9msz | t5_2to41 | 369 | [deleted]: TIFU by shoving a bar of soap up my ass/
I need a quick fast laxative that was cheap. I was using the reliable source that is wikianswers and someone said that their mother used to shove soap up their ass to encourage the poops explode. I had a date in a couple of hours and I had been farting a lot so I decided to give it a go. I was having a relaxing shower and I shoved a little soap up my bum and within 5 seconds my entire butthole lit up and I started shitting allover the shower bath, and the shower curtain, which is white, and seeing as I still live with my parents I tried and failed to clean the shower curtain, the entire date I had the ring of fire but no gas, for a couple of days when I farted it smelt like homebrand soap.
alliknowis: Okay.... so it worked perfectly, so what is the TIFU?
Taketheheat: It hurt and she sharted in the shower in her parents' home.
barnacledoor: I find it interesting that you assumed this was a girl. I just assume everyone on reddit is a guy until proven otherwise, especially with a name like /u/MR_ANGRY_MAN.
Taketheheat: People have very strange usernames that aren't always gender specific. I typically just assume everyone is a girl I guess. I'm not sure why though.
barnacledoor: Interesting.
supersnuffy: Just saying but how is that more interesting than assuming everybody's a guy?
barnacledoor: Lol, I'm not really sure. I had written a few responses that I wasn't happy with, but felt the comment needed a response. The best I could come up with was "interesting".
I will say though that considering the demographics of reddit, you are more likely to be correct assuming you're talking to a guy than a girl. On [Wikipedia they estimate that reddit is around 60% males](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reddit#Demographics). It is also 68% American, so you are fairly safe assuming you're talking to an American man.
autowikibot: #####	
######	
####	
*Here's the linked section [Demographics](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reddit#Demographics) from Wikipedia article [Reddit](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reddit)* :
---
>According to Google Ad Planner's estimate, as of May 2013[update], the median Reddit user is male (59%), 25–34 years of age, and is connecting from the United States (68%). Pewinternet.org has stated that 6% of all adult internet users use Reddit.
---
[^(about)](http://www.reddit.com/r/autowikibot/wiki/index) ^| *^(/u/barnacledoor can reply with 'delete'. Will also delete if comment's score is -1 or less.)* ^| ^[**Summon**](http://www.reddit.com/r/autowikibot/comments/1ux484/ask_wikibot/)
| 9 | 41 | |
1390805183 | 1390993006 | t3_1w9g0i | t5_2to41 | 21 | Taketheheat: Tifu by holding a baby
2 days ago I burned my arm quite badly with an incredibly hot crimping iron, giving myself 3 second degree burns. Tifu by accidentally holding my neighbors baby on my burned arm. The baby started giggling and squirming and ripped one of the burns open. I nearly cried.
CherryZuber: Can we get pics?
Taketheheat: Suuure... If you really want.
ArmenianG: I find your surname very Ironic
Taketheheat: You'd find it even more ironic if you knew how many times I've accidentally burned myself recently.
| 5 | 4.2 | |
1390816615 | 1390856751 | t3_1w9pmb | t5_2to41 | 16 | TheKoG69: TIFU by Making out with the wrong person
So some back story to start off. I am a Senior in High School, and have been dating this girl for 6 months.
Now today I got really high and went to the mall with a few friends, and sat on the couch outside one of the stores we went in. I cuddled for a bit with a friend we will call Ashley. Now normally I wouldn't be cuddling with a friend of mine if I had a girlfriend but again I could barely even stand. I started doing some stuff to Ashley and calling her by my girlfriends name. And I just remember her giggling in a confused way, probably thinking something like "what the fuck is this guy talking about." and then i started obviously, making out with her. As this is happening I think its my girlfriend I'm doing this to, and since it obviously isn't guess who's voice I hear? My girlfriend screaming what the fuck at us. She tore us apart, smacked me, started crying, and ran off. I think I'm single now.
TL;DR: Stuck my tongue down the wrong girls throat, and now I'm single.
Linos_Melendi: Why would you even get high?
TheKoG69: Cause I got high?
robbo101: Can't argue with that logic
jchabotte: He was gonna eat that p***Y too, until he got high..
But now he's jacking off, and he knows why...
Moonreaver: Lol me and you were on the same wavelength except 2 hours apart.
| 6 | 2.666667 | |
1390817644 | 1390825502 | t3_1w9qcb | t5_2to41 | 18 | pushing1: TIFU by telling my ''girlfriend'' i liked her....
and oh how it hurt.
So I've been dating this girl for about month. We get on really well we've kissed and talk often. Today i asked her if she wanted to ''go out''. The distinction between going out and dating is a subjective one to me so i thought asking her ''out'' to be my girlfriend would be a just a fun and silly little formality.
However she responded by saying she wasn't sure she wanted to peruse a romantic relationship and she wanted to see how it goes.
**Fine, right? Just stop there, maybe see how she feels in a week or two, yeah?**
''Thats fine'' i said, '' that's cool''
**Ok, that's good. Just stop there, stop there and things will be fine.**
'' I need you to know though, i have romantic feelings for you'' .
**Fuck, that sentence landed as well as nuclear bomb. But just stop there...please.**
I want to go out with you'' i continued.
**Fuck....well at least that's it, damage done, just need to regroup and rebuild. I mean honesty is a good quality in a human being, maybe she'll dig it? No? there's more? of Course.... you want to what?! tell her a joke?! wft....well at least you can't kill someone with awkwardness right? someone would have said if you could OD on awkward right???**
'' Oh, I've never been in this situation before''.
**what situation? Come on man, you need to clarify, this isn't a joke, its just words.**
'' I feel like i'm 14 again, lol''.
**Pardon? what the fuck dose that mean? what are you talking about? what happened at 14? I think if you want to save this situation you just need to.....oh you're just going to say nothing and leave that hanging like a bad smell. Of course fucking of course.**
i have not spoken to her since.
TL:DR dating a girl, asked her to be my GF, she said no ( a moment of silence) then i tried to make it better by coming on way to strong. I am an idiot.
kinda_alone: Been there, done that. My condolences man
pushing1: Thanks man. I hoping things will be ok. the first time i met her, i got her name wrong and spat my chewing gum in her face (accidental, i'm not a sycophant.) and she was ok with it. So we'll see :-/ .
[deleted]: I think the word you're looking for is "psychopath."
"Sycophant" is a fancy word for a kiss-ass.
pushing1: well i did state above i was an idiot.....
| 5 | 3.6 | |
1390793044 | 1390947394 | t3_1w8yze | t5_2to41 | 79 | Dalek_Klet: TIFU by forgetting humans can't breathe water.
Not quite as majestic as other stories, but it's fairly amusing, so here goes:
Today I had a swim meet where my first event was the 50 free. 3/4 of the way through swimming it, I was about ready to take another breath. The problem was that I was so focused on keeping a good stroke pace and kicking well that I just opened my mouth and breathed in. I got huge throat full of waterborne but somehow managed to spit it back out without much of a problem. Then about 3 yards from the finish mat thing, I do the exact same thing again. Except this time I inhaled rather completely. I slam into the mat headfirst giving me a neat time of 29.97 (not too horrible, but I'm not making states) and a huge coughing fit.
When the next heat started I managed to drag myself out and go throw up. Apparently too much coughing is upsetting.
ONE6Teen: Who the hell does this not just once, but twice in a row? Not a smooth move OP, glad your ok though, could have been worse I guess.
Dalek_Klet: I was too focused on kicking super hard and having awesome strokes. Much too focused.
me_gusta_lol0273: As a fellow swimmer, who has been trying to get the 50 free done in no breaths (I'm down to one!), I know that feel.
Dalek_Klet: I can maybe do 25 in no breaths. Maybe.
| 5 | 15.8 | |
1390823621 | 1390866618 | t3_1w9ujt | t5_2to41 | 258 | Angry_Woman: TIFU by shitting all over my own leg :(
I haven't been feeling the best and spent most of my day in bed with a migraine. I decided to get up for a while and have something to eat for dinner since I hadn't eaten all day. The rest of my family had eaten chicken schnitzel and wedges for dinner and I had the leftovers which was a stupid idea. On a normal day, that kind of food is heavy on my stomach and today I guess my migraine amplified it's effects.
After a few hours, I was laying in bed again and started to feel the need to go so I got up and started putting on my pyjama pants. I guess bending over triggered something in my bowels and I started to have poop-baby contractions. This caused me to panic a bit and I got my leg caught up in one of the pyjama legs. At this point I started hobbling to my bedroom door in desperation with my pants twisted around my legs and my bare ass exposed to anyone who might be in the lounge accross the hall.. but it was too late.
I clenched my buttcheeks with all my might but some managed to escape and run down my leg. As well as that, the extreme pressure buildup was also causing it to backfire and breech on the ol' bearded clam so I started squeaking "no NO NOO NOOOOOO!" while penguin shuffling and hopping the rest of the way to the bathroom. I had to use half a roll of toilet paper to get most of the shit-splosion off of my ass and backs of my legs. My pyjamas luckilly acted as some sort of shit catching bowl and none of it got on the carpet. I had to shower for almost an hour to finally feel clean and everything still smells like shit.. I can't tell if it's all in my head or I managed to get splatters of shit on everything I love. No one has mentioned anything yet so I might be safe from being nicknamed Mrs poopypants. Currently typing this for you guys while wearing sunglasses since the screen is too bright for my migraine eyes. TIFU, reddit :(
shieldsyau: I feel bad for chuckling at this, I hope you feel better soon.
Angry_Woman: No worries. I was laughing at myself while writing this. Also after a good rest I'm finally free of the migraine :)
FurTrader58: I thought you were a male until you said "Mrs Poopypants"
ghost_victim: Do you know what a bearded clam is?
FurTrader58: It didn't register on the first read. The thought occurred but I said "no, that's not it either. What's a bearded clam...?" And thought "hairy asshole? Nah, can't be. Well whatever" and promptly thought it might be this http://i.imgur.com/H0hZnko.jpg
spacepuppy69: You.
I like you.
| 7 | 36.857143 | |
1390823493 | 1390936245 | t3_1w9ugn | t5_2to41 | 661 | fartberg: TIFU by ripping a loud, booming fart in Subway.
Yesterday, I went to the local Subway to get a footlong meatball sandwich. I was the only person in the whole place besides the 5 sandwich artists behind the counter. I got my sandwich, and sat in a booth and began to eat. I felt a fart coming on and decided I could let it out quietly and go about my meal. Bad decision. Those curved yellow seats reverberated the sound and made it sound twice as loud as it normally would. Within a few seconds the employees got quiet until one of them started laughing. Then the rest of them started giggling. I finished the first half, put the rest in the bag and headed out the door without making eye contact.
TL/DR- farted in a subway, the employees laughed at me
Taki3d: You should have taken a bow..
kazame: Yup, the only way to recover in a situation like this is to own it. Stare them in the eye and dare them to do one better.
Kevin_LeStrange: Kazame is right. When life gives you lemons, you bite right into those lemons and suck the juices down while looking life in the eye and saying "That was weak. What else you got?"
MachinatioVitae: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and then throw it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you originally asked for.
Hawkeye7696: When life gives you lemons, use the acidic juice to blind your attacker.
wolfofthenightt: When life gives you lemons make grape juice, then sit back and watch as the world tries to figure out how you did it.
TheTiminator2010: When life gives you lemons... You probably just found lemons
XxYtuamaxX: When life gives you lemons... take them. Free lemons, dude.
3215987: When life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don’t want your damn lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life’s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give you lemons! Do you know who I am? I’m the man who’s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I’m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
trollocity: WITH THE LEMONS
sammich_factory: [Obligatory](http://static2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130511223552/villains/images/b/b9/Original_Insanity_Wolf.jpg)
| 12 | 55.083333 | |
1390833143 | 1390872084 | t3_1wa3e4 | t5_2to41 | -9 | [deleted]: TIFU by cheating on my girlfriend
So yesterday we had a huge party during the day where I proceeded to get absolutely hammered. When I went to get some lunch post party even the sandwich lady called me out for being too drunk. So I come home and take a small cat nap, starting to kinda sober up, but had no
intention of going back out that night.
Well I did. A few friends came over and there was lots of beer, nips of vodka, and rum involved solely in the pre game. Looking back on it I was basically already blacked out before I left my house to go to the party. Cue me being a huge asshole and trying to bring some random ass girl home and making out along the way.
Naturally the next day my girlfriend proceeded to dump my ass, didn't really have a choice in my opinion. And now I feel so guilty, upset, lost, and lonely without her. It truly was a colossal fuck up. I need to get her back. Somehow.
**TL; DR Hooked up with a girl that wasn't my girlfriend at a party I don't remember being at**
WPBDoc: I believe you might be ready for a visit from the TV show, "Intervention".
TrojanThunder: People drink too much sometimes. You know nothing about this guy. If there was a pattern of going too far then you might have a point. Getting drunk once doesn't mean you're an alcoholic.
WPBDoc: I guess cheating on your girlfriend from time to time isn't all that bad either. As long as you don't make a pattern of it or anything. smh.
TrojanThunder: Yeah its bad. How does that mean he an alcoholic? Just because some one coughs once doesn't mean he has pneumonia. Alcoholism is a disease and an addiction. You're basically saying if you get blackout drunk once you're an addict.
WPBDoc: I didn't say that. You said that. I said that someone who gets so blasted that they cheat on their girlfriend is a candidate for intervention. The point is, if you get THAT drunk -- drunk enough that you violate a sacred trust with someone who might be the most important person in your life -- then you should pause and take stock of your life and your conduct.
TrojanThunder: You don't know what an intervention is.
WPBDoc: Perhaps. I've never been so drunk that I cheated on my girlfriend. Not getting drunk is a good way to avoid cheating on one's girlfriend. And also to avoid an intervention.
| 8 | -1.125 | |
1390837418 | 1391182810 | t3_1wa9b0 | t5_2to41 | 147 | NewAccountJusForThis: TIFU during a quick interaction with my PUBLIC SPEACH professor.
I took a public speaking class in college. The point of this class was to increase self confidence when speaking with others or to large groups. As the "class clown" type, I've always been able to quickly think on my feet, and generally comfortable in conversation. But this was a required class, so I took it, made some speeches, had a good relationship with the professor, and passed.
The next semester rolls around and I'm walking through the halls and I see my speech teacher walking towards me. She sees me, and in passing says "Hi, good to see you!". I want to respond "good to see **you** too", or " how are **you** doing?". But I end up just yelling over my shoulder to her " **YOOUU** ". That was it, just that. We were far enough apart now that there was no recovering, so I just kept walking knowing that she was probably going to resign from her position, as she can see it's caused zero improvement.
ColonelCrunch33: Soulja boy tell em
[deleted]: Watch me crank dat
Guitarman1328: Mom's spaghetti
Lakonthegreat: They see me rollin'
andylawa42: And I need you
| 6 | 24.5 | |
1390813146 | 1390847096 | t3_1w9n3z | t5_2to41 | 42 | muqi: TIFU in a debate round
TIFU in Congressional Debate (think Model UN style where we debate items of legislation) at a tournament. I listen to a speech from some first-year on ending aid to Pakistan. He kept saying "We have to pull out." and "The pull out method will work."
I had some legitimate question for him during crossfire, but the second the presiding officer called on me, I forgot it and asked, "Are you aware that the pull-out method isn't 100% effective?"
Dead silence.
Then his response. "Well, representative, I mean, pulling out might backfire, and like, if it does we could always just apologize and, well, put it back in."
He never realized that I was referring to an innuendo. And he never once specified that he was discussing aid in his answer.
The judge didn't laugh. He didn't smile. He stared. Unforgiving.
pastrygeist: Debate judge is not abused.
Debate_Judge: He's right.
muqi: Well, if not abused, are you at least amused?
Debate_Judge: Gave you first place, didn't I?
| 5 | 8.4 | |
1390842826 | 1390948288 | t3_1wai71 | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by fucking a prostitute and cumming inside her.
Well today I was feeling a bit bored and decided to visit a brothel. I'm a single guy and I do this about once every fortnight.
I make it to my usual Asian brothel and was led into a room to meet a Korean girl named "Amy", slim, long black hair, fake medium sized tits, she was about a 6.5/10 in my books. Paid for a half hour.
I shower, lay on the bed, Amy dims the lights, quickly puts a condom over my dick and gives a pretty boring head job to start. She proceeds with some cowgirl, into missionary with me on top, then a bit of doggy. The sex was pretty aggressive from my end and she didn't seem to enjoy it nor did she seem impressed.
So to finish off, I'm screwing her from the side of the bed and decided to cum with my dick inside her. As I pull out, I looked down in horror.. the condom had broken and was wrapped around the base of my shaft. Amy looks down at the same time, cum dripping down the inside of her thighs, realises what just happened and completely flips the fuck out.
She starts screaming obscenities in Korean, switches the room light on and runs to the bed checking the sheets. I suddenly realise that she thought I had removed the condom during intercourse and stashed it somewhere on the bed. She looks threateningly at me, telling me to give her my id and that she'll call the police. I'm standing there naked thinking wtf, point at my dick saying "Look it's right here! It broke! It was a fucking accident! What the fuck? Put some clothes on and calm down!", while at the same time swatting away slaps that she was trying throw at me in her rage.
She goes for my wallet on the table which I quickly grab, but she gets to my phone and starts dialling 000. At this point, I was really unsure of what to do as I didn't want to grab at her (both still in our naked states) and be accused of assault on top of "intentionally cumming inside a prostitute"? Just as she was about to hit dial, I managed to swat at her hand causing her to drop the phone to the ground and I immediately lunged for it. I wrap a towel around myself, exit the room and motion at the madame and ask her to come in and sort this shit out. Amy runs out and starts shouting "(something Korean) condom! (something Korean)". The madame just sits at her table and doesn't seem to give a single fuck so we both walk back into the room.
She calms down enough to remove the condom from my dick and inspect it to discover a hole had pierced through it from me thrusting too hard. She's still threatening to call the police, and I'm standing there fearing for my livelihood. I look into my wallet and pull out a $50, saying "I'll give you fifty, just let me go". She goes "No! I call police!". After about 30 seconds of this back and forth exchange she pipes up and says "You give me one hundred!". I say "What the fuck, no. Take this fifty, go buy a pill and let me go". Finally, with a defeated nod of acceptance she grabs at the $50 and retreats to her corner muttering. I quickly put my clothes on and couldn't get the hell out of there any faster.
That's the first time anything like that's ever happened to me and I just wasn't equipped to handle the situation. If anyone has *any* advice on what to do if ever it ever occurs again it would be much appreciated. I'm just thankful I got out of there in one piece.
TL; DR: Went to a brothel, condom ripped and I came inside of her, she goes skitz but I manage to pay my way out. Phew.
untouched55: Here's some advice. Don't fuck a prostitute.
[deleted]: Lel. Your girlfriend is more likely to have a kid without your permission than a fucking prostitute.
nitroman1: You're dating the wrong women if that's the case
[deleted]: That's a common occurrence, thank god it didn't happen to me. And no, the amount of women that aren't like this, and will not exploit you is negligible.
| 5 | 3.8 | |
1390851712 | 1390857358 | t3_1way0g | t5_2to41 | 45 | supstern: TIFU by shoing my 9 year old cousin a porn site
My cousin and I are really close. She's like the little sister I never had. Anyway I asked her if she wanted to see a really funny youtube video and of course she said "yeah!" I went to type "youtube.com" but being excited and not watching what I was typing I typed "outube.com" which just so happens to be a porn site. Pics of naked women everywhere. Realization in 3...2...1..."OH MY GOD LOOK AWAY!!!" Went to click the "x" in the right hand corner. IT WOULDN'T CLOSE. cousin: "um...I'm just gonna...go to the bathroom"
I definitely fucked up
dralcax: www.outube.com
scrndude: There's no porn there! It's some scam site pretending to update some adobe software when it's really probably installing malware!
What a letdown.
Moonreaver: I think he purposely went to redtube or youporn... I mean... WAIT WHAT IS PORN?
scrndude: Yeah, it probably autocompleted to youporn or he typed it out of habit.
Moonreaver: Yeah lol
| 6 | 7.5 | |
1390852356 | 1390862011 | t3_1waz6w | t5_2to41 | 36 | Anti-Semitic_Unicorn: TIFU by drawing a picture
Now, let me start by saying I am literally an Israeli citizen, my parents are immigrants, and my entire family is Jewish or atheist, I am not an anti-Semitic person.
That said, I will explain my situation. I am a high-school student. Today in cooking class I was sitting across from, lets call her X, a stuck up girl who likes to look down on everyone and thinks she is the genius center of the universe like so many of my peers. I like to doodle in class, just stupid drawings, sometimes with dialogue. Today I was doodling a bipedal unicorn with tusks and an eye on the back of its head, when somehow I decided it would be a great idea to make him Mel Gibson, so in big bubble letters I wrote next to him "It's the Jews fault!" and finished it off by labeling him "Roger the anti-Semitic unicorn". This turned out to not be such a brilliant idea. The guy sitting next to me saw it and passed it to X, she saw It, read it, and ripped poor Roger to pieces. She was fucking pissed and you could see it, she started telling me how offensive it was and that im a terrible person and that im lucky were in class and how she once slapped her friend for making a holocaust joke (apparently what I did was equivalent to a holocaust joke). Me, deciding to be a cynical asshole instead of just saying sorry, rolled my eyes, smirked condescendingly, and responded to all she said with "ok". I just cant stand these people who think they're supposed to be offended by every little thing that even mentions a group of people, and even more so I cant stand these people that believe that because they are 1/8 Lithuanian or some shit, that they are Lithuanian and Lithuania is the best damn country on the planet. Anyway after growling at me a little more X gets up and leaves the room. She storms back ten minutes later. I have to assume she went to make a complaint to the administration. I don't see this whole situation ending up well for me as the 11th grade administrator already seems to think I'm some chain smoking delinquent and I "am not trusted to leave the building during school hours" not to mention the fact that the school system will do anything to avoid a lawsuit. I'm probably going to be called in tomorrow to be interrogated then told my punishment, I think either in-school suspension which sucks, or normal suspension which sucks less but goes on my transcript. Even if I don't get any suspension I'm still pretty fucked because X is going to tell everyone how much of a fucking nazi I am. I don't have any friends at this place and this isn't going to improve my few social experiences.
Raccoon_Nation: I'm not saying this to be mean but it sounds like maybe you need to check your own behavior. It's one thing if you're just ornery and the school says you can't leave but to lack friends and especially to be unable to apologize when something makes someone this uncomfortable, it seems like you need to work on your social skills. Being socially inappropriate is a trademark of teens but it's the reason people find them so offensive to be around. It's not that you have to be straight-edged and never do any rabble rousing but you do need to be respectful of others even if you disagree. X didn't need to report you but honestly, had you said that you were sorry and meant no offense by it, she probably wouldn't have gone forward with it.
Anti-Semitic_Unicorn: Originally I was, but she kept on interrupting me and telling me what a terrible person I am, so I got pissed off. I have respect problems, if someone doesn't respect me I don't respect them, which causes problems for me sometimes. I wasn't being as big an asshole as i wrote myself to be honest, I was just mad at myself at the time. Anyway, she was fuming before I even did that. I was trying to explain myself when she threatened to hit me. I wouldn't hit her back if she did but the threat still pissed me off.
TOM_BOMBADICK: Dude just deny, she ripped up the proof didn't she?
| 4 | 9 | |
1390846759 | 1390925408 | t3_1wap43 | t5_2to41 | 48 | HumpingTheShark: TIFU by being a nice person.
So, I was just strolling down the town center today when an attractive young woman came up to me, smiled a wonderful smile at me and showed me her clipboard. I skimmed the headline of the sheet - apparently it was some kind of petition for the establishment of a school for deaf-mute children.
I thought, great, your chance to be a good guy. The woman gave me a hug and smiled at me even more brightly, and I happily signed three of the four columns. Then I saw the fourth one. And I realized: this is not a petition.
It's a motherfucking donation campaign.
And I don't have any money on me, I left my wallet in my other jacket and my cash card is in said wallet.
wrectangle: Should have said I will give you my John Hancock after you play with my John Hancock.
HumpingTheShark: She wouldn't have heard me though, would she?
wrectangle: Should have shown her in sign language, as graphic as possible.
| 4 | 12 | |
1390854923 | 1390878056 | t3_1wb42t | t5_2to41 | 16 | fidoburger: TMIFU by being a wage slave.
My first fuckup starts about two weeks ago when the polar vortex first extended it's icy grasp over southern Indiana. I am (possibly formerly) employed full-time as a delivery driver for ~~GIANT HORRIBLE PIZZA CORPORATION~~ and have been for over two years. So naturally making less than minimum wage and hearing that a -17 degree blizzard was on the way I called off work that day.
My caution earned me a week's suspension as my employer views those conditions as a completely reasonable place for people to work without hazard pay... for less than minimum wage... in their own vehicle.
My week suspension ended last week and Thursday rolls around: "Hey Fido, good to see you! Take the new guy with you on your first delivery." I, of course, agree and proceed to load my first delivery of the day into my car, gather up the new guy and set off.
MISTAKES THUS FAR:
*Working for a corporate pizza place
*Not having full insurance on my car
*Failing to check the temperature conditions on Thursday
*Attempting to train a new person instead of driving like the hunted paranoid animal delivering on ice turns you into
*Formatting
Five hundred yards from the store at a stop-sign (technically just before it) is where I found out that in -5 black ice can form in large patches... in broad daylight... at rush hour. I discovered this wonderful tidbit of information as my brakes, instead of stopping the car like they should have, merely added a miserable farting anti-lock soundtrack as I slid 20ft down the road into the back of an SUV. Effectively earning me a new TWO week period where I can't work and a $2200 repair bill.
This month I fucked up.
TLDR: Don't drop out of college.
(Edit: Thanks service industry folks for the commiseration it gave me enough motivation to leave the house)
unceunceunce: Don't bitch about making less than minimum wage, because you don't. Unless your employer is severely fucking you only your hourly wage is less than the minimum as long as your tips make up the difference.
[deleted]: Ergo, he is making less than minimum wage and it's up to the charity of this corporations customers to make it up.
unceunceunce: No, because he is guaranteed at the very least to make minimum wage, most likely more. If his hourly wage + tips < minimum wage, he will get paid extra by his employer to even it out with the minimum wage.
danmo_96: That's how it's *supposed* to work, but unfortunately, some bosses have a tendency to say "well, how do we know you're reporting all the tips you've gotten?" or something along those lines, and it's really not worth the hassle to try and fight with them about it.
Source: three part-time jobs as a waiter in the past.
unceunceunce: It's a shitty situation, but you have to report them to the labor board and find a new job. That's not easy today but it's all you can do.
kinith: Sure, you could report them. Then the manager tells all the close by pizza managers he knows what you did, and to not hire you. Then he fires you, saying you didn't report your tips correctly or some other bullshit reason, and then you can't even use the experience and references on your resume for a new job.
Or, you continue to work for the shitty boss because there are no other places nearby that will hire you immediately, and you have to be able to make rent this month.
unceunceunce: And this is why you go to school or have trade skills, without leverage you're fucked, which is what allows people to be taken advantage of.
kinith: Sounds like you had the easy route in college. Didn't really have to work your way through school, did ya? It's a shame everyone can't just have trade skills without learning them...
unceunceunce: Nope, worked 5 years in fast food and lucked into an IT position that may be ending soon and I'll probably be going back to community college to finish what I started. I just know how this shitty part of the world works because I was in it.
>It's a shame everyone can't just have trade skills without learning them...
Anybody can learn anything if they put enough time and effort into it, the only thing keeping a person from learning a skill is themself.
TheBanger: >the only thing keeping a person from learning a skill is ~~themself~~ the ridiculously high tuition costs.
| 11 | 1.454545 | |
1390854533 | 1390892392 | t3_1wb3bz | t5_2to41 | 1,687 | OpusCrocus: TIFU by trying to aim a vomiting cat
My elderly cat started to puke on the bedroom carpet and I figured if I shifted her over two feet to the bathroom I could do a paper towel clean up instead of a more involved carpet washer clean up.
I grabbed for the cat mid-puke and she struggled. As I held on to my 5 pound, good for nothing hair bag by the hind legs, she spattered the carpet, bathroom door, and bathroom floor.
She is now on the kitchen counter asking for more food.
2/10 do not recommend
Edit: Picture of [Princess Pukes-a-Lot](http://imgur.com/6aYJY2e)
SirDigbyChknCaesar: One early morning the cat was in gargoyle position above me on the headboard while I was asleep. Once the horking started I went from sound asleep to wide awake and moving in about 0.5 seconds.
Josiah621: I'm not the only one! as soon as i hear this "horking" sound I'm up and moving.
smosher13: Mine makes that "oh long johnson" noise right before the horking. Still scares the shit out of me.
Josiah621: Yep! *shivers*
[deleted]: > *shiver me timbers*
FTFY
Josiah621: LOL
| 7 | 241 | |
1390855224 | 1390900322 | t3_1wb4mv | t5_2to41 | 18 | DeeLock: TIFU at work..
I'm a mechanic and was doing a clutch replacement which was straight forward enough apart from a couple off annoying time consuming things. As I tried to get the job done quickly I rushed to much and didn't completely insert the Shaft into the box. I didn't notice this until I went to drive it out the door in front of the customer and boss to the sound off clicking. I didn't road test the car as I decided to try and finish another job I had stripped last week. Had to send customer away and fix it. Was told I'll be getting a talk tomorrow from the boss.. Fuck life.
[deleted]: At least you didn't leave a socket in the bell housing.
DeeLock: Shit man that made me cringe at the thought. I work with a guy that fitted the clutch the wrong way before.
[deleted]: I'm trying to figure out how he did that, did he fit the friction plate backwards or something?
DeeLock: Yep exactly what he done, spent ages trying to bleed it before realising it was that. Was an interesting day!!
irGoodman: Hmm yes machinary and manliness
| 6 | 3 | |
1390861529 | 1390950533 | t3_1wbg5a | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU by buying jerky chew
The fuck up happened last night actually but lets move on. I was in san jose last night visiting my grandma with my friend and i decide to go try that jack links jerky chew so me and my friend take a quick trip down the street.
We get to the 7-11 and buy the jerky chew and im tryin to open it with my razor sharp knife...you can literally shave with the damn thing. The knife slips and slices to the outer edge of my left index finger, dark blood already oozing out. We get home and just bandage it up with gauze and a red iodine solution...i dun fuked up,reddit. And yes i have a picture
Hawkeye7696: > And yes i have a picture
...and? Where is it?
[deleted]: I got a link for it http://imgur.com/hfUNW4O
lostdeceiver: Doesn't this need stitches?
[deleted]: At the moment, no
Lakonthegreat: Actually, yes. Yes it does most definitely need stitches. Go to an ER or urgent care clinic immediately.
[deleted]: Nah i changed the bandages today and the wound is sealed up already
| 7 | 3.285714 | |
1390867813 | 1390877463 | t3_1wbrgh | t5_2to41 | 36 | Corpraly086: TIFU by making a pregnant woman walk more than she should.
So, I'm working as a guard at the moment and I'm responsible for one of the entrances of the apartment blocks. I make sure than only residents that live in the complex enter, and grab details of other people that are visiting. Now, all residents with a vehicle MUST have a yellow 'logo' on their windshield or their vehicle will not be allowed to use the complex's car park. Any vehicle without this logo has to park outside, unsecured.
I was doing my thing, when this lady in an SUV rolled up, asking to get in. I asked her if it was for a visit and for how long. Most people want to drop/pick up kids, packages, anything that takes less than ten minutes to complete. That's cool, I let them in. But this lady, who in my defence, didn't look at all pregnant, says that she's visiting and will take close to an hour. I said she couldn't. She insisted. But I wouldn't budge, being new to the job and everything. She huffed away and didn't see her again till 10 minutes later. Pregnant. Very pregnant. She had walked a a fair distance and it's quite warm in Santiago. I felt like a total dick. But thing is, she's rather... Big boned, and it was hard to tell. And everyone knows THAT rule about asking women whether they're pregnant or not.
TL:DR; made pregnant women exert herself coz I'm a dick.
TheJackal8: It's not really your fault if you couldn't see she was pregnant and she didn't mention it.
Corpraly086: She only mentioned it once she walked past my booth. Still feel like a dick though.
binger5: She's also a dick for laying the guilt trip on you.
Corpraly086: Are you implying she impregnated me with guilt?
[deleted]: Ha
| 6 | 6 | |
1390870545 | 1390914237 | t3_1wbw90 | t5_2to41 | 93 | dickcaughtinzip: TIFU by wearing a onesie
So I went shopping yesterday and saw a onesie. I thought i might as well by one and try it out, see what the big craze is about.
So I put it on to go to bed and I loved it. It was warm and comfy. So I decided to wear it to bed tonight. Bad idea.
So I put it on and go on my laptop then eventually to bed. The following events happened about 10 mins ago. This particular onesie has 2 zips. One specifically to piss out of. My balls were itchy and the zip was stuck so I kept trying to get it free. Eventually I just tugged at it as hard as I could. Bad choice.
Turns out that when I yanked the zip my foreskin was caught it in. So I had to slowly pull the foreskin out of the zip. I am now lying in bed in agony with a slightly deep cut penis. Bearing in mind this happened 10 mins ago I'm still in a lot of pain. Now I'm lying here at 1am with a still bleeding penis and I have to be up at 7am again tomorrow. Fucking onesies.
TL:DR Got my pork sword caught in a zip. It hurt. A lot.
0t1sdrugs: I'm sorry for laughing at this. You may want to seek some help to avoid infection.
dickcaughtinzip: It's fucking agonising. I have school (sixth form) tomorrow which is gonna be even worse with a stinging knob. I definitely fucked up.
xelentltnlovr: I agree with drugs, hopefully your zipperhead heals buddy. TIL the one of many dangers of onsies.
VolcanusPrime: And foreskins, what are they even there for... Besides to cut off
Zzzzonked: Well what would he have cut off if it wasn't there?
xelentltnlovr: Ouch if it weren't his foreskin he might have grabbed his whole thing.....oh hell no to onsies.
| 7 | 13.285714 | |
1390873559 | 1390921218 | t3_1wc1ga | t5_2to41 | 44 | svanzura: TIFU by scarring a nice Chinese woman
A little backstory: I'm a freshman in college, and recently moved back for my second semester. I've been a little homesick, and to remedy this, I was looking through old pictures of me and my friends from high school. I stumbled upon a picture of me and my best friend posing with giant sand penises we had made on a beach, and apparently opened it in preview on my mac to send to my friend as a joke. I sent it, and exited out of preview thinking everything was fine.
Fast forward to tonight: I was on my way to Chinese Tutoring with a nice Chinese woman I have spoken with on the phone, but never in person. She tells me to bring my laptop to tutoring tonight so we can go over a power point I had saved from class earlier today. When I get to the library, I pop open my laptop, and try to open the powerpoint which was in Microsoft PowerPoint format. On a mac, this will open the PowerPoint in preview, along with the last thing I had open, AKA a picture of me and my best friend with grotesquely detailed sand penises with seaweed pubes and all. I hastily try to close the picture, but my laptop is old, and trying to open the PowerPoint at the same time I freeze the fucking thing. I don't even know what to do, I just sat there with the picture open, and tried to divert this poor womans eyes away from the screen. I managed to for about a minute, but once I made eye contact with the screen again, she did too. And she just stared at the God Damn thing. She stared for a good minute before finally clearing her throat and saying, "Well, I guess we use mine." The rest of the tutoring session was so uncomfortable, I couldn't even focus.
I don't think I can ever face that woman again.
moochie94: Did you try explaining the situation to her at all?
svanzura: What was I possibly going to say to her? She spoke enough english to get her point across, but she really was just there to help me with my tones and pronunciation. There was no good way to explain to her that Teenage American Boys think its hilarious to make dicks out of everything, and it was my computer just fucking up.
moochie94: Fair enough, your story is hilarious btw.
| 4 | 11 | |
1390875319 | 1390958622 | t3_1wc4eh | t5_2to41 | 46 | Shart_Blaster_5000: TIFU by sharting in my pants.
Well, it wasn't today, it was about a year ago.
So I Hadn't been feeling very well that week but it wasn't any kind of sickeness detrimental to my stomach. Until I sharted, I thought nothing of it.
Anyway I'm on my bed with my laptop laying on my side. I feel a fart coming on but it felt extremely rumbly and forceful. When I decide it's a good idea to push a fart while sick, I end up with the dreaded bubble. The type that feels like when you're trying to blow a bubble with bubble gum and it comes out weak and without much air. This absolutely foul, sick smelling sludge of diarrhea dump pours out of my anus like a slimy monster. My eyes flung open. I laid there for about 10 seconds with a handful of thick diarrhea in my jeans.
I then proceeded to go to the bathroom discretely, as I don't want to attract attention from my mom and dad due to embarrassment. I finished this mud mess in the toilet and eventually face the fact that I have to tell my dad I shit my pants. He finds the humor in farts and shit, so luckily he laughed it off and understood. The Shower was quickly used thereafter.
TL;DR Pushed a sick fart to the point of sharting a sickly sludge.
WPBDoc: Well, normally this would reset the counter, but it is a year old. It's been a slow week in the pants pooping department.
irishdude1212: Well we need to go back in time to reset the counter or the fabric if time and space will tear killing us all
wrectangle: maybe we need the if time and space tear we might be able to reset it and make a shit-yourself-free world. Think about it.
OP,TL;DR is fantastic btw.
irishdude1212: Ho-ly shit
| 5 | 9.2 | |
1390879283 | 1390885761 | t3_1wcb0u | t5_2to41 | 70 | ProteinFartThrowaway: TIFU by drinking too much protein
Oh god, where to start on this one. Using a throwaway for obvious reasons. I'm a college student at a large university, in the midwest. They announced that campus is shut down for tomorrow. Hell yeah, right? It's time to fucking riot! Earlier, I worked out at the rec center for the first time in a couple weeks. It felt great, and I was super pumped about my workout. As a result of this, after I was done, I made a big protein shake cause dem gainz bro. Anyways, at about 10 my buddy asked me if I wanted to come over to his dorm and play some beer pong. I agreed and was over there, playing for a couple hours. I was like 6 beers deep when this girl I've been talking to for a while texted me and asked me to come over. I agreed and went over to her dorm to hang out for a little bit. One thing lead to another and we ended up making out for what seemed like an hour. We gradually removed each others clothes and she started blowing me (keep in mind before this the farthest I'd ever been with a girl was first base). My stomach then started to hurt really bad, as a result of the protein. I tried desperately to clench my asshole to prevent the farts from coming out, but to no avail. I let out one of the loudest and worst-smelling farts of my life, and I immediately knew I fucked up so bad. She was disgusted and told me to get the fuck out, which I did. Fuck.
Hawkeye7696: Damn, too bad you didn't shit yourself. We need to reset the counter.
genetically_young: Sorry, fairly new to reddit, here.
What does "reset the counter" mean?
Hawkeye7696: It's an ongoing joke that there is a "counter" that measures how many days we go before someone posts a TIFU that involves shitting themselves. When someone drops a steamer in their shorts, the counter is reset to zero. It's like those "X Amount of Days Since We Had an Accident" signs you see in warehouses.
It's been a couple days since the last one.
genetically_young: Oh! Thank you very much!
Hawkeye7696: You're... uh... welcome?
genetically_young: I now realize how weirdly enthusiastic that was.
Let's try that again:
I appreciate you informing me of this sector's lingo.
Better?
Hawkeye7696: Better.
| 8 | 8.75 | |
1390881915 | 1391006888 | t3_1wcf97 | t5_2to41 | 93 | Chefhitt: TIFU by showing the server at a Thai restaurant a picture of my son.
My wife and I used to frequent this great Thai place near our house. We went there a couple of times a month, sometimes more, through all nine months of my wife being pregnant with our son and for about two years after our son was born. The staff loved us and we loved them. We moved across town when our son was about two and we would go eat there if we happened to be in the neighborhood. Today I was running errands by myself and I was nearby so I stopped in for lunch. The server brought out my food and noticed I was on my phone. She asked to see a picture of my son so, of course I went hunting through my photos for a fairly recent one of him. I never handed her the phone but she reached out and started swiping through the photos as I held the phone in my hand. I didn't think anything of it until she yanked her hand away exaggeratedly and said, "oh, no. Not that!!!" Hmmmm... What did she just see? I'm a bartender and service industry people sometimes have these tendencies to fuck with their fellow employees. There's a photo, that I'll never delete from my phone, of a young man with a cock resting on his face and the young man is clearly just so happy about having said cock on his face. This photo gets texted around by my coworkers on occasion just for a laugh. I often receive this photo when I'm having dinner or am at the park with my son. It's juvenile but, whatever. It's totally funny every time. So, as the server was turning on her heel to go to the wait station I said the first thing that came to mind," congratulations!" This is for some reason a default response for me. She came back with my check and I paid and left. Ill go back one day. They have great curry.
I'm a reddit newb. Hopefully when I post this the photo comes with it. I'm using alien blue and it's hard to navigate how to add a photo. If somebody could help, that would be nice.
http://imgur.com/bmGS5Rq
Edit: to add the photo that I should've tagged nsfw. Ill get the hang of it and will be annoying redditors very soon.
zumaski: TIFU by opening this post in class.
Chefhitt: Apologies for being newb.
Stay in school.
zomboc0m: Please mark post as NSFW, just for precautions. RES auto opens image links in text posts.
FrisianDude: it does? :O
zomboc0m: If you open it in the subreddit view (the expand text button while in a subreddit page) it does.
FrisianDude: Oh, I guess I never do that.
| 7 | 13.285714 | |
1390886388 | 1390887599 | t3_1wclok | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting Super Hexagon for my phone
For anyone who doesn't know, Super Hexagon is a really trippy game where you keep a dot from being crushed by sides of partial shapes that converge on a central shape that starts a a hexagon but can morph. Its hard to explain.
I can say that I've been sitting on the toilet for at least 20 minute trying to beat records. Its worse than reddit. I'm posting this on the same toilet session.^^^^^*help*
Jeb1332: Whatever you do don't get flappy bird
AWildCanadianApeared: Fuck that game. Wanna know my high score? ZERO
Jeb1332: Lol, don't hate me. I have the gift. 125 is my high score. Currently trying to beat my Friend's 151
| 4 | 2 | |
1390898481 | 1390974265 | t3_1wcxqf | t5_2to41 | 253 | Mydrasis: TIFU By taking a shit
I'm typing this just as is happened. i'm at work and a moment ago i felt an urge.
No problem, and i calmly walk down the stairs to the unheated room where the toilet is located. I pull down my pants and start browsing reddit while nice, healthy, solid shitlings leave the confines of my colon. But suddenly the peacefull ambiance of soft splashes is interupted by the spine chilling sound of a trickle on cloth.
I was so preoccupied with reddit and my anal relief i completely forgot about my other open floodgate. The cold had shrunk my manhood back into childhood and its paralel to the floor spewing urine between the seat and bowl all over the floor, my pants and underwear.
I try to dry it up but this only made a difference on the floor. I type this with wet boxers and a piss stain on the back of my pants as if i accidentally enema'd myself.
TL;DR: Pissed myself backwards
Thenovazz: Just another *shitty* story
^^^no?
ass_whuppington: No.
metalclassicrock123: Yes.
FuneralShadow: Maybe.
metalclassicrock123: I don't know.
| 6 | 42.166667 | |
1390917441 | 1390966652 | t3_1wdblf | t5_2to41 | 203 | 673: TIFU by letting my cat sleep in my bed.
My gf of 5 years broke up with me recently so my bed felt really empty. To have some company I let my elderly cat sleep in my bed, which I don't do often because she usually wants to get out of my room to get food early in the morning. And when she wants something, she'll let you know by meowing until she's contented. Take my word for it, her meows are loud! I sleep in the 2nd floor and even with closed windows this furry loudspeaker has no problem waking me up by howling below my room.
So at around 5am my feline alarm clock goes off. I tried to ignore her for a while but of course her endurance is far greater than my stubbornness. With barely opened eyes I stumbled to the door and let her out of my room. That's when the stench hit me. Somewhere on my light blue carpet there was cat poop.
It took me at least ten drowsy minutes of looking and sniffing around for her token of appreciation. I found it right under my foot, still warm and steamy, squishing up between my toes. I hopped to the bathroom on the other foot to clean myself and then spent a good half hour getting the shit that I just stomped into the carpet back out. By the time I got the stained area back to it's original color my mother got up and suggested to mix baking soda with a bit of water and let it dry on the carpet to disinfect and neutralize the smell.
I just vacuumed the generously applied, dried baking soda to reveal it has stained my carpet in a tone of brown resembling a baby's diarrhea sucked up by its diapers.
She's a really gentle and lovable cat when she's not complaining, but her waking me up to get out of my room *after* shitting on the carpet really settled wether she's allowed to sleep in my bed again.
TL;DR cat being a cat
whatsleft912: Why didn't you just leave the door slightly cracked?
673: Well, i fucked up.
i_pk_pjers_i: Or put a litter box in your room.
Zymaxid: That might work, but then you wake up in the middle of the night listening to them scratch through the litter, and then there's the issue of the smell. Even if you keep it clean when the cat uses it the smell permeates the room for awhile.
| 5 | 40.6 | |
1390917543 | 1390974273 | t3_1wdbp4 | t5_2to41 | 122 | foamsword: TIFU by accidentally telling my minister to "fucking go for that ass"
So, my minister and my best friend are right next to eachother in my contacts list. Best friend (Paul, for reddit's sake) is having some troubles with his boyfriend and his self-esteem. It's late at night and I'm half-asleep and not paying attention to what i'm doing. So I tell Paul "Confidence is the precursor to success. Fucking go for that ass, you deserve it". Thankfully, my minister is really chill (we're UU) and I did tell him that the text was for someone else. and who knows? Maybe i got him laid last night.
Seriousgum: I'm sorry.. minister? Can someone explain in this context?
[deleted]: I think he means his church minister.
Rocklobster92: But who honestly keeps a mimister in their contacts?
Kelor: Maybe sometimes that minister just needs a little confidence boost.
| 5 | 24.4 | |
1390928919 | 1390969271 | t3_1wds73 | t5_2to41 | 126 | Texas-flood: TIFU by trying to save a squirell
Ok so I was walking around the back of the warehouse I work at a while back, and there is a dumpster. I was throwing some boxes away. All of a sudden I hear a sound in the dumpster. It sort of sounded like scratching.
I look into the dumpster and it is pretty empty, except there is a frickin squirrel inside. This thing is wigging out, trying to escape, but it cant.
Me being the dumb animal lover I am. I decide to jump into this dumpster and pick the little guy up and let him go. You know maybe I was hoping he would become my best friend, and first chance at reddit gold, but I digress.
I jump into the dumpster and calmly grab the squirrel on it's back, and when I begin to pick it up, the thing goes wild and bites down...hard... on my finger. I am shacking my hand violently trying to loosen its grip, but no...its still on my finger. About this time, I am wondering what went wrong. Finally, it releases but only because my skin ripped!
For everyone wondering, it made it out of the dumpster because I flung it free. I had to go get stitches and a tetnis shot, because the doctor said I might have gotten rabies!
Moral of the story,, F squirrels.
TLDR; I tried to save a squirrel, got bit by that little jerk. and I don't have a bf squirrel i can fight crime with.
coldfire3361: What you should have done was put something inside the dumpster that the squirrel could have used to climb out. NEVER try to grab a wild animal unless you know how to handle it.
Texas-flood: didn't you see that I wanted a squirrel PIC(partner in crime)
StraightAsARainbow: Why would you write PIC if you were just going to say what it stood for right after?
swimbr070: To try and establish it as a widely-used acronym so that it doesn't have to be written out in the future, of course!
| 5 | 25.2 | |
1390937206 | 1390979077 | t3_1wdpaq | t5_2to41 | 359 | jackpaxx: A lot of straight people go to gay bars.
PixelOrange: Then he could just tell his friends that. "I went to a gay bar because some other friends wanted to go and whatever, like I care where we buy drinks from. That person must have seen me there and assumed but they were wrong."
CantSeeShit: Im gay anf my straight friends come to gay bars. Its a great place for them to get chicks actually.
Sproose_Moose: Can confirm: I'm a female who has picked up guys in a gay bar.
chinchillazilla54: This is weirdly hypocritical because I am a straight girl who's been to gay bars, but it has honestly never occurred to me that all the guys might not be gay.
LevGlebovich: >...it has honestly never occurred to me that all the guys might not be gay.
Gay bars are actually clever ruses for straight men to meet women. No gay men go. They go to the straight bars.
[deleted]: True, the guys that suck each others cocks in the bathroom do it so they can last longer with the girls they pick up.
ShellReaver: Just helping a brother out.
| 8 | 44.875 | |
1390935856 | 1391169834 | t3_1we4k2 | t5_2to41 | 90 | Clemobide: TIFU by anaesthetising a lady's half face
Hi, TIFU
I'm a dental student, and people can come at my dental school to get dental care at low cost. Today an old lady came at the school because one of her wisdom tooth was getting infected.
We had to extract the tooth, but couldn't perform a classic anaesthesia due to the infection, we had to do a "loco-regional anaesthesia" (basically numbing the whole left or right jaw).
The teacher tells me to go ahead, I already did this kind of anaesthesia several times, I'm feeling confident and shit
I do it, then a few minutes later the lady asks me :
"My lip feels weird, is it normal ?"
I say yes
"My tongue feels weird, is it normal ?"
I say yes
"My eye feel weird, is it normal ?"
I don't answer
I look at her, and when she blinks, her left eye doesn't blink. I try to understand what's going on, when a real STREAM of tears fell down her eye. She was not crying, the tears were just dropping with no reason.
Right now both the lady and I are a little panicked, she asks "WHATS GOING ON", and starts struggling to breathe. She tells me " My tongue gets too big, I can't breathe", and she starts shaking, tears still dropping from her left eye.
ohshit
At this point I genuinely thought "Well this is how i killed my patient and how i'm spending 30 years to jail"
But i refused to let her die, and I called the teacher in panic. He came and basically calm her down for one hour, before she was finally feeling better. We apologized to her, and the teacher told her this happens "sometimes", and I must have anaesthetised some branches of the infra-orbital nerve. Not sure if this really happens sometimes or if he told this to make the lady (and me) feel better
tl;dr : loco-regional anaesthesia, never again
Racsos: should have bitchslapped her and scream STAY WITH ME!
ClintRenee: Mount her and start pumping her chest!
chode-slapper: mount her and start *humping* her chest
andylawa42: O god
| 5 | 18 | |
1390941816 | 1390955080 | t3_1wefdd | t5_2to41 | 246 | dun_yow_like_soup: TIFU by trying to put my 4 year old son to bed
An hour ago it was bed time for my 3 darling angels. However one of them has not been playing along for the fast few nights and tonight was no exception. First he ran into the bathroom to hide, as I approached the door it flew open so he could make a run for it. Stubbing my toe in the process. He gets away to hide in his twin sister's room. I desperately reach to grab him, clipping his shoulder and sending my outstretched fingers hurtling towards the door frame. I hit the door frame with two fingers, bending back one nail as a start to shout angry words that the kids will be told never to repeat. Seeing me in pain the little one makes hes last ditch attempt at hiding and dives under his bed. I get on my stomach and reach unnder to pull him out and pull him regrettably to close to my face. That is when he struck his final blow. A headbutt straight to the nose accompanied by a nice cracking sound an a trickle of blood. blooded and beaten I abandon all attempts and go down stairs for mommy to come and have a go.
He fell asleep within 10 minutes.
Tldr. Tried to put kid to bed. He beat me up. Wife shows me up.
0t1sdrugs: Did you spank his ass for being a little shit and not listening?
dun_yow_like_soup: No. Im scared he will hurt me again
KJones77: This is a reasonable fear.
wrectangle: Only way to prevent this is to lure him in with promise of candy, ice cream, and tv around bed time. Then wrap him in a blanket or sleeping bag with just his head sticking out duck-tape it together.
Go to sleep knowing you will be safe for one more night.
| 5 | 49.2 | |
1390948956 | 1390997882 | t3_1wesjq | t5_2to41 | 37 | SasLuc: TIFU by giving my family members my Amazon password
I grew up in an extremely conservative home where the vagina is the only hole to be used to for sex, missionary position is the only position, and absolutely **NO** sex before marriage (which is not to say my parents don't get it on because I hear them quite frequently, but that's beside the point). But despite all of the forced repression, I have finally decided to say fuck them and do what makes me happy. So I recently got involved in an online D/s BDSM relationship. It's my first time finally opening up and exploring my kinky side, and it feels amazing.
Recently, my Dom brought up the idea of a ball gag. Of course, I was extremely interested so I went on Amazon and bought a set. For good measure, I also bought a pair of nipple clamps to see if He will let me try them out. It was so tempting because of the whole Amazon Prime thing and saving money.
Well, because I pay for Amazon Prime, I often allow my sister, mother, and brother to use my account to buy things. They have different addresses and different payment methods but often don't remember to get the right ones when they are making the order. This is why I always insist that I create the orders for them.
Before I left for class today, my sister started talking about buying her books. Fine, she can buy them off of the school website and get screwed in the ass after she declined when I offered to help her buy them a month ago.
But when I checked my email a few hours later, I noticed a bunch of emails from Amazon. Not only did she buy her books, she fucked up both the address and the payment methods for all of them. This means that she would have had to go into my orders and see that the most recent purchases were nipple clamps and a ball gag set. Great. Having lived with her for 20-some years, I am positive that she flipped out, started screaming, and then showed my mom and possibly my dad my purchasing history.
I am not ashamed of my sexual preferences because, after years of therapy, drugs, and a suicide attempt, I know that suppressing it is not the right thing for me. However, I really would have preferred to keep it from my family and their overbearing judgements. Yeah, obviously I can (and probably will) "punish" them for invading my privacy by not sharing anymore. But I still know that once I go home, it's going to be a shitshow.
**TL;DR:** I recently bought bondage kink off of Amazon. My extremely conservative sister just found out after using my account to buy her textbooks.
1minuteman: what i find wierd is your sister showing your parents, if i saw that my brother had bought stuff like that then i would do everything in my power to suppress (spelling?) that memory let alone tell the folks
[deleted]: if i was her younger sis i would blackmail the fuck out of her
[deleted]: Well if i was the older brother i'd punch you in the vagina for that.
| 4 | 9.25 | |
1390953981 | 1391015169 | t3_1wf1er | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by agreeing to do another event
I'm in Science Olympiad at my school. There is a maximum number of team members allowed to go compete, so everyone needs to have at least 3 events, though 4 isn't unheard of. Nobody particularly wants 4 events though, so there are a few spots where we need somebody to compete.
My teacher called me to her desk, and asked me to do another event. I agreed, and my partner and I are now doing Write It Do It. Basically, one person writes a description of an item, and the other person has to build it. Sounds simple, right?
Wrong. I have dysgraphia. The event has "write it" directly in the name, I have no idea what the hell I was thinking. I kind of just forgot that I had it (this actually helped my handwriting a lot at one point, but I digress). There is no one willing to take an extra event, and I don't want to say anything too specific about why I don't want to do it because nobody really knows that I have dysgraphia. All I can do is apologize when I don't medal I guess :/
SasLuc: You have two options:
1. Tell them that you have a learning disorder. That's what I did (though I was diagnosed in college - long story) and everyone was awesome about it
2. Have as much fun as possible and give zero fucks about your score.
[deleted]: I'm probably going to do the latter. I'll probably tell my partner so he'll do the writing part though. Would you care to share your story?
SasLuc: Oh. I was diagnosed with cancer right before graduating high school. I got treatment between high school and college, which caused some memory problems. Since then, I've had more difficulty with stuff that is pure memorization. What my disabilities coordinator says: "If professors are dicks to you, find a new professor. You don't have to put up with their crap." I extend that to the rest of my life. If my friends are dicks, I find new friends.
But I also had depression in middle school/high school, and my friends were super awesome when I told them about that.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1390958235 | 1390975988 | t3_1wf8y1 | t5_2to41 | 3 | LoginxGames: TIFU by inviting leftists for an anti-right discussion on minecraft
So first off, a little back story.
I play on a minecraft server with a lot of client-side mods and an intention to promote civilization. Now on this server, we have a lot of problems which include terrible subreddit memes, the most out of taste jokes being normal, and a ton of griefers who fuck up shit a lot.
Now one specific problem we have is a group who will protect everyone from griefers but is EXTREMELY biased towards the right and will often kill people to be rid of it (we have a mod that lets you trap who you kill with ender pearls, often called pearling). We will call these people the LADS. So seeing as I was fairly leftist, I decided I would contact some leftist PVPers for a mumble discussion about making a leftist organization to act like them/combat them. The discussion failed as barely anyone showed up but it only got worse. Suddenly, I see LADS from the neighboring channel show up into this one and start saying stuff like "I am so communist lul" "dude, I'm left center". Then within 10 minutes, it became a giant circlejerk of rightists making fun of leftism, including people making new mumble accounts with names making fun of people, large comment jokes about "hitler=ancaps", and just minutes upon minutes of rightists spewing mocking comments about communism.
It was an absolute clusterfuck.
TL'DR: Made discussion about leftist resistance to corrupt police, got overrun by them and a 'mocking clusterfuck' insued
Dinosoarman: Now i play minecraft, but what thefuck is a left/rightist?
KristyConfused: Politics.
| 3 | 1 | |
1390964203 | 1391151869 | t3_1wfjas | t5_2to41 | 25 | ChiefWookieDoctor: TIFU by trusting myself with scissors.
So I had just gotten home after a long day, and wanted to wind down and watch some TV. As soon as I turn my TV on, there is no picture coming from my cable box. After a quick investigation, I determined that the problem was that my HDMI cable was broken. So, like I said, it had been a long day, so I march on down to my local electronics store and purchase a brand new HDMI cable. I get home, open up the package, and realized that I had cut straight through the cable while trying to pry open it's treacherous plastic vice. Now all I have this evening is you, reddit.
unclefisty: Well your first problem was buying an hdmi cable from a retail store. Look on monoprice.com for the replacement. Won't cost as much. Plus no blister pack!
Rocklobster92: Op can't have it working same evening by waiting for a website yo
kreSENsha: Obviously OP can't have it working tonight by going to the store, either! :P
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1390960084 | 1390975360 | t3_1wfc7d | t5_2to41 | 9 | KnittingWine: TIFU by breaking my foot
I got drunk on Australia day, did a cartwheel, and now I'm in bed in a moon boot and I'm supposed to start at the best contemporary dance course in the country in a month. And I may have to withdraw. Im never getting out of bed again.
lostdeceiver: I bet it was one stunning, gorgeous cartwheel though.
KnittingWine: ha, the act itself was probably pretty nice but the landing maybe not so much.
| 3 | 3 | |
1390967342 | 1390969554 | t3_1wfolf | t5_2to41 | 18 | Lazyspy: TIFU and slept in.
So usually I have to be into work by 0730. I usually leave to go by 0715 because its close by. So I have a system in place right? So I thought. This morning I woke up and had to take a powerful piss. You know the type of piss that feels like a kamehameha wave shooting out of your dick. Shit was like the Hammer of Dawn from gears of war. It left me drained. So I slumped back to bed cause it was 0400 and my alarm doesn't go off until 0600. I was happy as fuck. My alarm wakes me up at 0600 and I shut it off with the swiftness. I then rolled back in the bed to lay down for another 30 mins. This is when I fucked up. How the fuck did I think I was going to wake up again on time? My biological clock isn't on point like that. Man I woke up at 0747 like "shit shit shit". I saw a text from my buddy asking where I was. I turned into a ninja. Shower, put on clothes, brushed my teeth, and flew out the door. Luckily once I got there nobody really noticed I was missing.
[deleted]: Why is waking up so god damn hard? I think someone should invent an alarm clock that pumps adrenaline directly into your heart.
Fershick: **GENIUS**
| 3 | 6 | |
1390969133 | 1391084546 | t3_1wfrl7 | t5_2to41 | 9 | Fershick: TIFU by taking a piss.
Okay, this wasn't today; this was a few years ago, but whatever. I was at school in sixth grade. Our teacher took us down the hall for a bathroom break. No biggie. I go over to the urinal, (leaving a place between me and the other guy, following the unspoken rule), and unzip and start doing my business. I was quite bored while I was doing this so I looked down and I saw that this particular urinal had one of those plastic coverings over the drain with little holes in it. I get this *genius* idea.
*aims penis for little hole*
*fires*
*piss splashes back and sprays the WHITE shorts I was wearing at the time*
**EVERY GUY IN THE CLASS WAS IN THIS DAMN BATHROOM.** Naturally, I tried to keep it cool. I thrusted my hips forward so no one could see the damage, and waited for everyone to clear out before going paper towel clean up squad. Nobody noticed.
TL;DR: Got bored at a urinal. Played duck hunt with my dick and the plastic drain cover. Piss exploded on my white shorts.
Rocklobster92: Weak. Come back when you do this as an adult. Also, who wears white shorts?
xank79: School uniform perhaps?
My primary school had compulsory white shorts.
| 3 | 3 | |
1390974794 | 1391129475 | t3_1wfzu5 | t5_2to41 | 98 | n0remack: TIFU when I gambled on a fart and lost (X-Post from AskReddit)
Well, I will go into details of what happened. From the moment my alarm went off to ground zero. It was any other normal Tuesday. My alarm had gone off at 6am and it was time to get up to get the day started. I made my way into my kitchen to prep my coffee maker to start brewing, so I could go shower and it would be ready when I got out. During this time, I let out a loud audible fart. Anyway, first thing in the morning is the same: I had to pee, so I went. During the piss, I let out another loud fart which was funny to me. I felt another fart brewing and began preparations to unleash the fart. Except something felt different. While I was peeing, my "OH SHIT" module in my brain kicked in when I realized it wasn't a fart, but a shit coming, and it was coming fast. I reached back with my hand to hold my ass cheeks and began to push harder on my pee. Except, pushing harder on my pee meant I was pushing out on my ass too. So this shit is coming, and my piss wasn't letting up. My pee started to dwindle a bit, and I decided to act quickly, a few piss droplets are easier to handle. It was too late. I span around and sat on the throne, only to look at the floor and see that my shit had smeared on the side of the tub, onto the mat, onto the lip of the toilet bowl, and onto my foot. I had shit all over my bathroom. All of this happened in seconds. There was barely any warning. So, I spent the next 10 minutes cleaning up my shit covered bathroom, had a shower to wash the shit off me, drank my coffee, and begun getting ready for work. I looked myself in the eye in my mirror and said: "The universe has different plans for you today"
Cancani: That is why I sit and piss
Mjtmaster: BUT LE I CAN'T SIT WITHOUT POOPING, AMIRITE?
/s
Seriously. I saw this once in an askreddit thread and it pissed me off.
Cancani: what do you mean with /s?
Blackbirdrx7: It means that he/she is being sarcastic.
Cancani: Thanks alot
ravenouscraving: [Alot](http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/04/alot-is-better-than-you-at-everything.html) says "You're welcome."
| 7 | 14 | |
1390961486 | 1391001043 | t3_1wfenl | t5_2to41 | 7 | MigElite: TIFU by losing one of my best friends.
So this weekend was my college graduation party. I had a very nice friend from the university which I have liked since I met her. I have asked her out sometimes to see a movie or to have some dinner, but nothing too serious.
I have never been very direct to her, but I have always assumed that she knew I liked her, since I treated her differently than any other of my friends. I even asked her out on her birthday a couple of weeks and she accepted and gave her some flowers.
Anyways, my mistake was not been direct to her and try something with her. This weekend she made out with a friend of mine. I got pretty upset and told her what I felt. Things didn't turn up so well and we just decided to distance ourselves.
I'm pretty sad since she was one of my best friends but I just couldn't bear seeing her with another friend. So that's it.
SilentScience: OP, if there is one thing that I have learned about girls in my time on this planet it's that no matter how much you think a girl knows that you like her the truth is she has no clue. And if you don't tell her how you feel she'll never know.
Cancani: B-b-but your name
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1390985349 | 1391054220 | t3_1wgapk | t5_2to41 | 26 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting myself in this huge mess with my teacher.
Okay, this is going to be a little long and possibly confusing and I need a little advice because I'm still fucked.
I'm a 17 year old male that is a senior in high school taking AP Computer Science(an "AP" class is just a college-leveled class in high school). My teacher is a real hard-ass and this all started when I decided to skip his final for 1st semester last week. I wasn't feeling prepared to take it, so after my final for physics, I just chilled in the library. Next day, I was like "Whatever, I'll just go and take it today," expecting him to just let me take it. I know that in college missing tests is a big deal, but they generally let you retake them in high school as long as you are excused by the office for the absence(I made up my own absence note). Well, he would not let me retake it when I went after school the next day. He was very pissed and said that he would need a note from my parents explaining why I was absent and I told me him that it would not be a problem and would give it to him on the next day(Friday). Well, anyway, I typed up an excuse(from my dad's perspective) on how I was visiting my grandma in the hospital because she had three major blood clots in the brain, which was actually true, except she lives 25,000 miles away and I obviously was not visiting her. I had to leave because there was an update, and my parents wanted me to be there blah blah blah. I had a friend sign it for me because I can't copy my dad's signature at all. Keep in mind my parents have no knowledge that I was absent or made up this bs excuse. So, I was supposed to turn it in Friday and he'd let me take it and we're all good, right? Nope. I didn't show on Friday because my group's video project for Spanish, that was going to be counted as our final for that class, had some technical difficulties and the Senora wanted it fixed so that we could get an A on it. My group wanted to do it on Friday(what a surprise!) after the last final of the week, which was when my teacher wanted me to show up with the note and take the test. SO, I figured that I wouldn't show up on Friday because what was the point of just dropping by to give him a note? Nah, I'll just give it to him on Monday when we get back from the weekend. Also, I should add that I made a fake email with my dad's name to email the teacher that I was going to give him the note tomorrow(Friday) that was going to explain why his son, me, was absent for his final. Well, Monday arrives and I go to his class after school(I have him during the day, but retakes and whatnot are usually afterschool business) to give him the note I was supposed to give him on Friday and take the test. We also went over the final during class on Monday, but I didn't think anything of it because teachers usually give a different test than the one given on finals day. He was so pissed, and I mean it was as if I took a shit in his room. He said that I should have emailed him or came by class on Friday to tell him why I wouldn't be able to take the final on that day. Now that I think of it, I probably should have, but I didn't think it would be a big deal back when it was Friday. He refused to give me the final and said that he wants a teacher-parent conference to even consider writing another final for me(he has an extra final for his other class and I thought it was a bit odd that he didn't have one for his comp sci class). WELL FUCK. Obviously, my parents have no idea and I can't tell my dad to go to a conference when I totally bs'd everything, and it's not like I can convince my parents to lie on my behalf. I had a low B before the final, but having a 0 on it dropped me down to a D. I simply can't get a D. I come from a very strict family, from the East, and if I get a D, they would all but disown me. Besides, my parents would find out and of course question why I got that D. I've never gotten one in my life, and I generally get mostly A's. So, anyway, I have this brilliant idea that I should get someone to act as my dad and I would pay them, and we could have this conference. Or, I could just email him from the fake parent email and say that my dad is in my grandma's native country doing the funeral there and will not be back for another week or so, therefore making a conference impossible. Teachers have to turn in grades after a week from today, so could this possibly get him to just give me the test? Obviously, I am in such a BIG mess. Help me out reddit, please, or just make fun of me. I really have done it this time.
Tattycakes: I'm sorry, but you deserve whatever grade you get from this fuck up. I know you're only 17 but Jesus Christ...
For a start, everything you say makes you sound lazy, selfish and entitled. You weren't prepared for your test, so instead of having a word with the teacher, you just skipped the test and *assumed* that you'd be able to take it the next day. You *faked* a note from your dad taking advantage of your grandmother's illness as an excuse, *faked* an email saying you'd hand it in on Friday, then you couldn't even be bothered to do that? Now you're considering heaping even *MORE* lies on top of this?
If you get a friend to fake being your dad now, what's going to happen if they ever want to meet your parents again? Parent teacher nights? Graduation? Are you going to get the same guy to fake being dad for the rest of your school career?
Come clean with your parents and the teacher, admit that you fucked up and didn't know how to stop it spiraling out of control, but that you care about this course and about your grade, and want to make it up to them. Expect punishment. Study hard, take the test, grow up and learn something from this.
I hope it doesn't go too badly, being honest now will at least get you some credit, and save you a lot of hassle in the long run.
justinmega1: I know what you're saying and I've thought about it, but I doubt he'd ever let me take the test if I do. If he doesn't want to now with having an "excuse," he'd never let me if he found out I was lying the whole time. I don't like what I'm trying to do one bit, but I can't get a D and so I have to play along.
Dacryphile: Then keep lying and try to come up with even more elaborate schemes to get out of this. See how well that works out for you.
(SPOILER ALERT: it'll get even worse)
wrectangle: When you try to get out of it using a more elaborate plan. Post it here so we can laugh cause honestly this is just too ridiculous OP.
I want to give you the F/ but it might make you more of a compulsive liar.
| 5 | 5.2 | |
1390885526 | 1391280504 | t3_1wckln | t5_2to41 | 16 | xternal7: TIFU by taking a shower
Because I had a super long sleep last "night" (12 hours, I woke up at 5 PM-ish), I decided I'll skip this night sleep and rather study (mostly reddit and TotalBuscuit so far) because exams are nigh. I also haven't had shower since ~~Saturday evening~~ really early Sunday morning, so I decided to have shower. It's past 3 AM, everybody who's staying at the dorm during the exam month is asleep so I have the whole bathroom for myself. Also, to give you some idea of my place: Our dorm has flats that look like this: http://imgur.com/WOgQeNT
So I went in and did the usual routine, get in the shower, have long, hot shower. Near the end I notice that the tub (10 centimeter deep) got full and is overflowing slightly. I quickly ended the shower because I've been having it for upwards of 30 minutes already and thought to myself that since overflowing wasn't that bad, the sink on the floor was handling all the excess water.
WRONG, it didn't drink a single drop of water.
I come out of the shower and realise that the floor sink wasn't swallowing any water. At all. Instead, [the water has choosen the straightest possible way to the door](http://i.imgur.com/fXIfzDu.png). And water reaching the door is already a 'game over' because some architect was smart enough to put the floor of the bathroom a whole centimeter higher than the floor of the hallway and our rooms. I'd need to roll high to avoid a disaster. [Of course the proverbial roll was low](http://fc01.deviantart.net/fs19/f/2007/258/7/4/3d_D20___1_by_Boulayo.jpg).
I open up the door and... holy shit that's one hell of a flood. [It stretched through whole hallway straight up to the middle room, and it pooled under the door](http://imgur.com/dFMFfaZ). Basically, the good news is that we now know what's the lowest point of our flat but the bad news is that half of the hallway is flooded by a thin (about 1 or 2 mm) layer of water. I made a quick plan that involved drying the hallway with a dustpan (because dustpan has rubber at its end), and once the hallway was only wet as opposed to flooded, I opened the door to my flatmate's room. They did open because flatmate was present in the room (sleeping), so I quickly tried to get the water out with the dustpan. Which I did, the water didn't seem to go too far in. So I decided to bring in my private stash of TP and use it to completely dry the floor.
Here's a good and a bad news again. The good news is that water didn't seem to go too far in, at least not in the center. Bad news? The edges around the closet and bed remained wet even after I used the second roll of toilet paper to dry the floor up, so [this is my estimate of the extent of the flood](http://imgur.com/Dq1JM0L). (Which means I'll probably have to pay another visit to clean this shit up later in the morning). Total amount of water spilled was probably slightly less than 10 liters, but 10 liters can cover a lot of space.
FML.
**TL;DR:** I took a shower and accidentally flooded half the flat.
RonaldTheGiraffe: I loved your drawings. Thank you
sporez: I concur the drawings were epic
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1390987797 | 1391016652 | t3_1wgcs3 | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by throwing my headset
I threw my headset into my bed, and apparently, my laptop was under the covers... It hit the laptop, breaking part of the headset and making a hole in the screen of the laptop.
Cproo12: If throwing a *headset* can put an ENTIRE HOLE in the screen of your laptop, you need a laptop that's not made of paper.
(I had an old broken Macbook AIR even, and it decided to hit it with a hammer, and all it did was blacken the screen completely. No holes)
TL;DR: I call BS
KristyConfused: "hole" could mean a broken region of pixels. Or he could have a HP.
| 3 | 1 | |
1391005704 | 1391065429 | t3_1wgrxb | t5_2to41 | 2,692 | magma_asp: TIFU by opening an envelope.
My wife and I are from different countries, and for the past 6 months we've been in the process of getting me a Visa to live in her home country. It's been a long and expensive process and today was the day it was all going to be worthwhile. I received my mail and within a package was my passport and a big white envelope. On one page of the passport was the Visa I required, enabling me to go to her home country whenever I wish. I curiously opened the white envelope; inside were some of the documents I submitted to the Embassy, nothing fancy. I then read some of the information that came with my package. It informed me to **not** open the white envelope, and that if I did so I would have to restart the Visa application over from the very beginning. Today went from the best day of my life to the worst day in no more than 5 minutes.
I've sent all the stuff back to the Embassy with my humble apologies on the small chance they'll take pity on my stupidity and reseal the envelope. I can easily say this is the dumbest thing I have ever done.
**Update:** Well I tried to call them, but their phone service is completely automated and as far as I can see, it's impossible to talk to an actual person. I ended up sending them a contact form from their website, and was fortunate to get a quick response. They told me that if I send my stuff back to them, they can reseal it, so fortunately it looks like my fuck up is reversible! Will update again when I get my stuff back.
**Update 2:** Got my passport and visa back today with the documents resealed, everything is back on track! It's not a very exciting conclusion I know, but I just wanted to give closure to those that wanted it. I can finally be happy again.
clangerfan: They should put a sticker or something on the envelope to warn you to not open it.
[deleted]: There is. There's huge text all over the envelope that say's "DO NOT OPEN, THIS PACKAGE IS TO BE GIVEN TO OFFICIALS ON ARRIVAL TO (insert country here)" In my case it was the USA.
This is exactly why you read all the information in the pack before fucking with something else.
I do feel sorry for him, though. It's a long, arduous, and invasive process. Obtaining my visa took almost a year for the first, and another year for GC.
chrizbreck: Hahaha a year for your GC? That's cute. Try 15 for ours.
edit: First gold! Don't know why. Maybe pitty for 15 years or pitty for -300 votes but either way thank you random internet user!
Double edit: /u/Froghurt! Thanks for the gold! A valiant armor to the mob that is the reddit hivemind at times.
gwarster: You're really bad at filling out forms if it takes this long.
smug_seaturtle: Lol @ thinking getting a green card only involves filling out a form
gwarster: My ex-wife got hers in 3 months. Her renewal took 4 months. People think it is way more complicated than it actually is.
4everal0ne: Its not. They've sped up many parts of immigration but that only happened a few years ago. Obtaining a gc if you've appplied many many years ago and depending on where you're from there is a limited number of gc's allotted for a specific country for that year. Meaning you can essentially be stuck eaiting to get past the back log of people ahead of you and the real shit part of all this is that some countries end up pushing for a larger stake and so for the others the opportunity keeps getting pushed further and further. It's hard and just because yours was easy doesn't mean it is for others.
gwarster: That's unequivocally not true. For spouses (which is what both OP and /u/chrizbreck) cited, there is no quota or limit. The problem is that people routinely do not read the instructions and submit too much supplementary paperwork. The individual adjudicators who receive these cases are then required to send our denial letters or requests for additional information. If they just read the instructions and sent what is asked for, it doesn't take nearly as long.
Source: Worked as a congressional liaison for three years working with different federal agencies.
chrizbreck: The issue for us was not instructions or what have you, but that my dad's job was bought out, we were moved, re-bought moved again multiple times. Each of those restarts the process.
gwarster: Right... so if his company isn't sponsoring him anymore, then of course you need to start over. That isn't USCIS's fault though.
chrizbreck: I never said it was. I was just explaining how it wasn't a failure in paper work or reading ability. In our case that is.
gwarster: You were making it sound like the *process* took years, but it doesn't. I'm sure that once you actually got an application in with an appropriate sponsor, it didn't take that long.
| 13 | 207.076923 | |
1391006058 | 1391144539 | t3_1wgse2 | t5_2to41 | 36 | OldNastyGuy: TIFU by fapping in my bed
So i decided to go for a quick fap before going to sleep, position myself on my bed, shirt off, pants off and just go at it.
And for some weird reason, I couldnt get hard. Maybe because it was 3 in the morning and I was very tired.
With the hand still on my jewels, I decided its time for a power nap, and that I'd wake up in five minutes and finish the fap.
So obviously the "Power nap" turned into a whole night sleep, but that wouldnt be a problem on its own.
The real problem occured, when i woke up in the morning and was completely dressed up and safely tucked under my bed sheets. I live with my mother.
She knows.
TodayiFuckedUp big time
chode-slapper: this post reeks of incest
Edit: written while at a [5]
Cuntmuncher69: I accept your apology the almighty god of chode slapping.
chode-slapper: I thank you, mighty god of cunt munching.
| 4 | 9 | |
1391014612 | 1391039734 | t3_1wh596 | t5_2to41 | 152 | Shitty69throwaway: TIFU by trying the "69" position...
Hey there, so today I made this major fuck up while trying the "69" position...
So here I was, all kinky and shit, trying out new ways with my girlfriend.
The problem is that I couldn't poop for almost a week, so I had to take pills, guess when they kicked in...
While in the 69 position the floodgates opened all over my girlfriends face, she was in a fucking shock! (So was I.)
To make it even worse; She started screaming and the fucking housemaster ran inside the appartment and bedroom to see what's going on, seeing how my girlfriend was covered in my shit he started laughing like a madman before helping her... Can this day even get any worse?
**TL;DR: Took a shit on my girlfriends face while trying the 69 position. Quite shitty.**
^Sorry ^for ^any ^spelling ^mistakes, ^english ^is ^not ^my ^main ^language.
salasam75: Housemaster?
Shitty69throwaway: Couldn't find the english word for it... It's the guy I have to pay to stay in a appartment.
Tattycakes: Landlord :) close enough!
Ivelostmyreputation: I was hoping op was a wizard ar something
| 5 | 30.4 | |
1390977259 | 1391042733 | t3_1wg2xr | t5_2to41 | 7 | Ierokilljoy: TIFU losing my phone
Well this chain of events started with Friday when I got on the bus to get home from school. (Note: I've had an iPhone 5 for the past year and I ALWAYS put it in my back pocket) I checked my phone and saw that I had a message from my Ohio friend and decided to answer it later. I put my phone back in my pocket and messed around with my friends for the rest of the ride home. I get back to my apartment, where my mom is watching TV with her friend, and I check my pockets for my keys and notice my phone isn't there. *SHIT* . I tell my mom and go look for my phone outside, maybe I dropped it in the snow? I looked for what felt like half an hour and gave up. I called my dad (my parents are separated) and told him to lock up my phone so it can't be accessed. My mom called the school so that the bus driver could put it aside if she found it. (We never got a call saying it was found) He did so and told me we'd discuss this when I came over to his house. Again, *SHIT*. My dad is a very scary man when he's mad, and losing my phone is never an exception to his wrath. So my mom drops me off at his house, telling me to not be scared of him, and he is SUPER pissed off. I tried explaining everything to him and I was sure someone had stolen it and he wanted none of it, yelling a little and I started crying. He finished telling me how upset he was and I went to my room to finish crying. The rest of the night there was no mention of it. Saturday, no mention of it. Sunday, my dad and my mom were talking on the phone about what to do. I couldn't hear them, I'd been snap chatting my friend through my moms iPod because I was so nervous. My dad comes out of his room, phone hung up, and tells me that they discussed were going to make me pay for my new phone, an iPhone 5C, which is $350. That means I would have to take all of the money that I'd saved up for Vidcon 2014 and push it towards my new phone. That means I would have to cancel my ticket and I was about to buy my plane ticket in a couple weeks. *SHIT*. I silently agreed, knowing nothing would change his mind, and told my friend about what had just happened. My friend, we'll call him T, knew how excited I was for the trip and tried to make me feel better, it didn't really work. Come monday, school had been cancelled and I stressed about everything. What was going to happen, would my dad change his mind, etc. I heard nothing from him. Yesterday (Tuesday) rolls around and he called me saying that I should cancel my vidcon ticket, and we'd be going to get my phone this weekend. He wanted me to text him when I'd done it. I sat on the couch with my mom, and cancelled my vidcon ticket, wanting to cry the whole time. It'd been the first thing I wanted so bad that i almost had it, it was within my reach. But when I clicked that "cancel registration" button, I figured I couldn't have the one thing that I'd really wanted in years. I am an only child and I don't ask for much honestly. I don't throw fits if I don't get my way, I accept it and move on. But in my almost 15 years of life, there were only two things I ever really wanted, and vidcon was one that I would've been proud to say i had done it myself, buying my ticket, airfare, and meeting my inspirations. But all that was gone, af I've been sulking around the apartment all day. I texted T when I did it and he said he was sorry, "but there's always next year". But next year is a year away, and what if I don't have money saved up, or something comes up where I have to cancel?
Tl;dr: kids, don't lose your fucking phone, or your life will suck for months afterward
Ryuzaki702: That sucks i kinda know that feeling but i slammed my phone in pure rage and didn't have a phone for 6 months.
Ierokilljoy: that was my fifth phone that i'd lost, broken, or just stopped working :/
bjamil1: feel bad for you, but if you havent already gotten a phone yet, I highly recommend buying the nexus 5 from google, starting at 350 for the 16 gb version, unlocked and 399 for the 32 gb version (+ taxes and shipping which is like maybe 15-20 bucks total). overall, its a better option than an iphone 5c spec wise and on par with or better than the iphone 5s and other flagship phones without any bloatware.
Ierokilljoy: I would love to get a smartphone like my cousin (more features and $139!) but my dad says I have to buy an iPhone 5C or 5S. I don't know what his deal is but I'm not allowed to buy any other phone :/
bjamil1: thats rough, especially when you'd be saving your own money.
also, maybe its obvious, but have you tried locating your phone using icloud.com and the "find my iPhone" feature?
Ierokilljoy: I have :/ my phone isn't online which means it isn't turned on/connected to the phone network which means someone could've taken the SIM card out
| 7 | 1 | |
1391016545 | 1392167903 | t3_1wh8oi | t5_2to41 | 133 | Chefhitt: TIFU by getting banned from TIFU with my first ever reddit post.
Hopefully it goes better the second time around. Being the naive idiot that I am when it comes to the very precise manner in one must reddit, I hastily posted a story about a Thai restaurant and a photograph. The whole post should've been tagged NSFW and the photo absolutely should've been. But, I had a few in me and being a newb I had no idea how to add the photo without asking for help, let alone having the incredible skill required to tag it. It did occur to me that the photo wasn't really of the kind that everybody is ok with but I thought I'd explain it away with my drunken wit and charm if a problem arose. Wrong. Banned within hours of my first post. I totally deserved it, too. But, after talking with the very kind mods about my ignorance to the way reddit works I was given an opportunity to be unbanned. I took this opportunity very seriously as I truly enjoy this subreddit. I was charged with drawing a picture as penance for being a total dumb ass. I cannot draw for shit and I was a bit panicky but, what else could I do but draw it if I wanted to post this TIFU shortly after being allowed to? So, here's the picture I drew. Thanks again, mods. Much obliged.
[Imgur](http://i.imgur.com/9fdcn7F)
Edit: I'm not sure why the link to the photo is tagged as NSFW. And, of course I don't know how to change it.
Chefhitt: My wife and I used to frequent this great Thai place near our house. We went there a couple of times a month, sometimes more, through all nine months of my wife being pregnant with our son and for about two years after our son was born. The staff loved us and we loved them. We moved across town when our son was about two and we would go eat there if we happened to be in the neighborhood. Today I was running errands by myself and I was nearby so I stopped in for lunch. The server brought out my food and noticed I was on my phone. She asked to see a picture of my son so, of course I went hunting through my photos for a fairly recent one of him. I never handed her the phone but she reached out and started swiping through the photos as I held the phone in my hand. I didn't think anything of it until she yanked her hand away exaggeratedly and said, "oh, no. Not that!!!" Hmmmm... What did she just see? I'm a bartender and service industry people sometimes have these tendencies to fuck with their fellow employees. There's a photo, that I'll never delete from my phone, of a young man with a cock resting on his face and the young man is clearly just so happy about having said cock on his face. This photo gets texted around by my coworkers on occasion just for a laugh. I often receive this photo when I'm having dinner or am at the park with my son. It's juvenile but, whatever. It's totally funny every time. So, as the server was turning on her heel to go to the wait station I said the first thing that came to mind," congratulations!" This is for some reason a default response for me. She came back with my check and I paid and left. Ill go back one day. They have great curry.
[NSFW]http://imgur.com/bmGS5Rq
MrsDrZoidberg: now post the picture
Chefhitt: Done
shakaspeare: I'm disturbed by that penis....it just looks so..... Non bulbous at the head. I'd feel ripped off :(
Chefhitt: Maybe you'd feel like you'd gotten...the shaft?
Sorry...
mogawowo: No, don't be. funniest comment I read all day!
| 7 | 19 | |
1391016546 | 1391032395 | t3_1wh8oj | t5_2to41 | 21 | KristyConfused: TIFU twofer from years ago
This TIFU comes from 2001 I think. I got a call from a staffing agency about a potential placement, so I rushed over on my bike. I had to pee real bad when I got there so I figured I'd be in and out real quick including the peeing, so I didn't lock up my bike. I went in and asked if I could use their bathroom real quick, they said OK so I went in and peed, then went back out and told them why I was there (the placement).
The first thing they told me was that the company required a drug test for all employees, including temps. No problems there... except they want a urinalysis. I asked if I could run back out and lock up my bike. The were all "nope, can't leave the building once you've been informed of the need for a drug test or it counts as a refusal/failure." So there I am, sitting in their office for over an hour, chugging water to try and work up another piss. Finally I'm able to pee in a cup and get going.
I walk outside, and no surprise, my bike is gone. So I walk home.
**tl:dr** left my bike unlocked outside a staffing agency to pee, ended up having to wait inside until I could pee again, and walk home.
SleepIsForTheDead: Did you get the job?
KristyConfused: Probably, I don't remember.
| 3 | 7 | |
1391020202 | 1391126361 | t3_1whf92 | t5_2to41 | 588 | caseyfasey: Tifu by congratulating a customer.
I work at one of those Starbucks that is inside a grocery store, we are generaly never as busy as a corporate store, but do have a lot of regulars. We are expected to chat with everyone that comes in. Small talk, usually nothing serious, something to make us stand out from the hundreds of other Starbucks.
Well, today an older gentleman comes in and buys seven papers. Just the papers, nothing to drink. I make a friendly comment about the number of papers, to which he informs me his daughter is in it. He flips over one of them to the second folded-over half of the front page, where sure enough there is a picture of a woman. I didn't have time to read much more of the title other than, "True Daughter To UW."
"Oh! Congratulations!" I say, excitedly.
He looks at me with such an expression...one that even thinking about makes me shake. Calmly and solemnly he says to me, "No. She's dead."
I just stand there, all the wind taken from me as if I just got hit by a semi. And then maybe a monster truck. And my face...how horrified was my expression? Is it okay if I stab myself in the heart and die right here?
He can tell I didn't know, that I hadn't yet read the paper, but he starts crying and gives me the sweetest of smiles. The kind of smile that does all the talking. He gives me one of those play punches in my shoulder. "It's okay, kiddo." He walks away.
And I just stand there.
Tl;Dr: I unknowingly congratulated a man for his daughter having recently passed away.
ichegoya: Jesus. Did you give him the papers for free?
caseyfasey: I wish I could have. He had already purchased them, and afterwards....
ichegoya: My comment below was in good faith, I wasn't trying to be a dick. I don't understand all the downvotes.
caseyfasey: I understood what you meant.
ichegoya: Cool. Anyway, sorry wo/man. It must have been a really sad experience.
caseyfasey: Woman. It was unlike any I have ever experienced before.
| 7 | 84 | |
1391021052 | 1391068667 | t3_1whgr7 | t5_2to41 | 46 | wheelbarrowjim: TIFU by fixing an iPhone
I fix iPhone screens for friends occasionally and today I had to do one for a friend of a friend. Everything seemed to be going ok until I turned it back on and it wouldn't. Upon further inspection I discovered that the connector for the battery had come loose from the main board and in my infinite knowledge I decided to solder it myself. I then broke the connector amd have no way to fix it. He will be here for his phone in half an hour and all I have for him is an iPhone 4 shaped paperweight.
manmeet604: damn...tell him it was already broken :p
wheelbarrowjim: I'll try to have it fixed tomorrow after college, he isn't too happy, but I'm as upset about it as he is. He bought it second hand in early December and it was in bad shape inside when I opened it, bits of solder and at least 2 replacement parts, in hindsight I should have said I couldn't fix it.
FercPolo: >In hindsight I should have said I couldn't fix it.
Lol. Too true, man. I know that feeling well.
[deleted]: Story of my life
| 5 | 9.2 | |
1390994218 | 1391038486 | t3_1wghfg | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by forgetting my apartment key
This is my first post here!
I'm a university student and as such, I forget things. Yesterday, A friend of mine asked if I wanted to go to library with him around 7pm so I figured "why not, I have a ton of work to do". As we get in the car I realized I had left my apt key on the kitchen counter but decided against going back to get it since my roommates would all be awake when I got back.
We get to the library and after two or so hours of working, I immediately remembered we had an assignment due the following morning at 10am!! So now I'm freaking out because we hadn't started it yet.
Fast forward 5 hours.
It's roughly 2 am, but we got the assignment done. My friend dropped me off at home and we said goodnight. I was SO ready to get my 5 hours of sleep. Then it hit me, I forgot my fucking key! No worries though, remember my roommates are home? It was a bit late but oh well. I rang the doorbell....no answer. I called all 3 of them....no answer.
I'm starting to get slightly concerned since It's 40 degrees out and raining and now I'm locked out. They'll get here any minute now, they're probably at a bar or something. 30 minutes later and I hadn't heard from them...I'm about to call again but my cell phone dies. I start pacing in front of the door and I'm starting to get cold, and really tired.
Fast forward 3 hours.
It's roughly 5am now and I'm going crazy!! I walked around the entire complex and nothing!! at 5:30 the motherfuckers show up...from the neighbor's! This entire fucking time! We walk in and I look for my key and I don't see any sign of it. I said fuckit and went to bed. Now I'm awake for class and I still don't see it. I decide to check my bag of all places, and what do you know. The goddamn card was with me the entire fucking time...
Now I'm a bit sick, tired as hell, and I have a long day ahead of me.
TL;DR Left key at home, got locked out for hours, realized I had it the entire time the next day
WPBDoc: "I'm a university student and as such, I forget things."
Is this a thing? Because if it is, I've been unknowingly a university student for the last 30 years. I'm constantly forgetting things. At least now I know what causes it.
gatorfan93: HAHA! I'm in my 3rd year and I've been more forgetful than than I have been my entire life.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1391030218 | 1391367925 | t3_1whwrg | t5_2to41 | 34 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating bugs
Some background info: I am not functional when I wake up early, my parents are divorced, and my dad is horrible at housekeeping.
The following happened at my father's house: I woke up at 6:00AM to get ready to go to class. I decided to start this day with a bowl of Golden Grahams spontaneously, since I hadn't eaten them in a while. All seems normal as I sit down to feast on my bowl of golden deliciousness. I do notice that this box has more burnt pieces than normal. Now I don't want to call myself an expert, but I think I have a fair amount of knowledge when it comes to Golden Grahams, and I knew that burnt pieces, which just have a small black burn on a side of a Graham, were nothing out of the ordinary. So I continue eating. When I'm almost finished I finally take a good look at my bowl.
Bugs. These little black things that I mistook for burnt pieces were tiny bugs, no bigger than a quarter inch. I must have eaten at least 15-20 of them. I didn't throw up but there as a fair amount of dry heaving. Thinking about it now makes me nauseous as well. Needless to say, I won't be eating cereal at my father's house any more.
Raymi: I once picked a fig off of a tree, took a bite, and found half of a maggot the size of my thumb. I haven't eaten figs since. this was 7 years ago.
fryartuc: That is actually pretty standard for figs, some stricter vegetarians refuse to eat them for that reason.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fig_wasp
autowikibot: #####&#009;
######&#009;
####&#009;
[**Fig wasp**](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fig%20wasp):
---
>
>**Fig wasps** are [wasps](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wasp) of the superfamily [Chalcidoidea](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chalcidoidea) which spend their larval stage inside [figs](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ficus). They can be the pollinating fig wasps or parasitic wasps. The parasitic wasps belong to several groups of the superfamily Chalcidoidea. While the pollinating fig wasps are [galler](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gall), the parasitic fig wasps display a great range of feeding regime from [carnivory](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carnivory) ([parasitoid](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parasitoid) wasps) or [herbivory](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Herbivory) (making galls as the pollinating wasps).
>====
>[**Image**](http://i.imgur.com/hbUUsDN.jpg) [^(i)](http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Blastophaga_psenes.jpg)
---
^Interesting: [^Agaonidae](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agaonidae) ^| [^Pleistodontes](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pleistodontes) ^| [^Ficus](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ficus) ^| [^Apocrita](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apocrita)
*^\/u/fryartuc ^can ^reply ^with ^'delete'. ^Will ^also ^delete ^on ^comment ^score ^of ^-1 ^or ^less.* ^| [^(FAQs)](http://www.reddit.com/r/autowikibot/wiki/index) ^| [^Mods](http://www.reddit.com/r/autowikibot/wiki/modfaqs) ^| [^Magic ^Words](http://www.reddit.com/r/autowikibot/comments/1ux484/ask_wikibot/) ^| [^flag ^a ^glitch](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/autowikibot&subject=Glitched comment report&message=What seems wrong: (optional description goes here\)%0A%0A---%0A%0AReply no. 40804:%0Ahttp://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1whwrg/tifu_by_eating_bugs/cf59j9h)
| 4 | 8.5 | |
1391021052 | 1391092476 | t3_1whgr8 | t5_2to41 | 24 | lurkmode_off: TIFU by washing a smartphone.
I was doing a load of laundry and asked my SO if he wanted to add anything to it. He said, "Yeah, the sweatshirt I'm wearing," pulled it off, and handed it to me. I put it in the wash without checking the pockets. Later he's getting ready to leave the house and can't find his phone. The last place he remembers having it? Sweatshirt pocket. Droid took a swim, full wash cycle.
Greggster990: Put your phone in some rice or silicon gel packets.
lurkmode_off: I have. We'll see what happens. The phone was powered on when it went in, and there's no way to remove the battery from this model...
[deleted]: In which case there's a 90% probability you're screwed
lurkmode_off: I know. That's why I posted in TIFU instead of r/TodayIWasMildlyInconvenienced.
| 5 | 4.8 | |
1391032928 | 1391043463 | t3_1wi1mc | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by causing my brother's head to bleed profusely
So he's pissing me off, using his new phone to take pictures of me. I get annoyed and start throwing stuff from my desk. First a rubber, then a pencil and eventually in a fit of rage, I fling my phone. Now this is a Samsung Galaxy SII - pretty much a brick. Smacks him in he side of the head. He falls down and starts crying. I tell the 12 year old to man up and stop crying. He gets up, and blood is pouring down his head, soaking into his TShirt. Fuck. Fuckity fuck fuck FUCK. Scream for help from my mum (I'm 15 - shoot me) and she runs into the room. A look of horror from her before I start dashing down the stairs to the freezer to find an ice pack. After ice pack application, blood flow has stopped - shock hasn't. Doctor is called, Mum has just taken him to A&E (Accident and Emergency).
TIFU.
TL;DR - My username, bleeding head, mucho fuckupo.
Moonreaver: A&E? The tv channel?.. That's sad man.
Greggster990: It is a sad world where A&E is called after every emergency.
KristyConfused: Well, it's in the name, innit?
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1391026763 | 1391039032 | t3_1whqkl | t5_2to41 | 27 | EliQuince: TIFU By Driving in the Snow
I must be the most stereotypical Atlanta driver right now, I have never felt like such a statistic. I was fine last night at my parents house, helped people get their cars up the hill near my house for 3 hours; this morning I decide to take my car out to do some donuts in our cul de sac. This was fun, no issues. Went to the store to get some gas, and on the way back, I was trying to get home a bit too quickly, and tried to pass a guy, slid on some ice, and bopped into a curb. Now my car wont turn left, and I can't get it home when it's literally a block from my house.
Sigh.
asdeqw: You silly Atlantians* with your 2 inches of snow destroying your lives...
*^(Alternatively, Georgians)
positronus: To OP's defense it's ice not the snow that fucks everybody up. Black ice is a bitch.
asdeqw: Touche.
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1391035696 | 1391128285 | t3_1wi6hh | t5_2to41 | 222 | shakaspeare: TIFU by telling someone their dog had a beautiful arsehole.
My cat has problems with his bum. He simply doesn't clean it, and it looks like someone opening their mouth in the middle of eating a mars bar. It's disgusting but I love him.
Anyway, when I saw the immaculately clean butt of this dog that was being walked, I couldn't help but gasp aloud "My Lord, that's a beautiful arsehole."
I mean, at that point, no amount of explaining is going to cut it, is it?
Greggster990: Was it really that beautiful :)?
shakaspeare: Glorious only begins to describe it.
Greggster990: What color was it :).
That_Deaf_Guy: The smiling is kind of getting creepy now...
Greggster990: No it isn't. ;)
shakaspeare: [This colour](http://www.artfire.com/uploads/product/1/981/80981/3780981/3780981/large/glass_pearl_beads_8mm_round_pale_light_pink_32_pc_f2b73363.jpg)
Ostrich_Boy: I wish someone would call my butthole beautiful :(
[deleted]: Your ass hole is fucking beautiful, ok?
shakaspeare: Proof required before validation supplied.
[deleted]: With the fucking included.
shakaspeare: The fucking *is* the validation. You think I'm gonna peckerize an ugly asshole? Methinks not.
TruckerTimmah: B-but my brown starfish is OH SO SCHMEXY!
| 13 | 17.076923 | |
1391040482 | 1391047866 | t3_1wiewm | t5_2to41 | 9 | ishyman: TIFU by breaking my prescription eye glasses. Now I cant drive home.
You know one of those bendy frames? you can actually bend the frames and the glasses go back. well i was showing off and my glasses snapped. i was in my class 15 miles away from home and couldn't drive. i am almost blind and useless without my glasses. there goes $300.00 and my eyes.
i eventually made it home with a friend.
KristyConfused: That's why I keep spares (as in, my old ones) in my car.
Greggster990: I used to do that until I started to get really sick from changing glasses.
KristyConfused: I haven't had occasion to need them, but I keep them there in case of emergency, so I'll be able to see if something happens to these glasses. I can imagine the headaches it might cause constantly swapping out glasses, and I never meant to imply I did that.
Greggster990: I don't change them often. It's just when I do I get a bad fever and headaches.
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1391036384 | 1391047103 | t3_1wi7ot | t5_2to41 | 74 | Fishy1289: TIFU by Peeing in the Shower
So I'm in college. In our building's bathrooms, the showers share a drain. So one shower on each side of a dividing wall (two total), with a single drain in the middle.
I was showering in one side, when I noticed that the drain was clogged. The water was not going down, and quickly got about an inch high. I was wearing flip-flops (dirty bathrooms and all that) but the water was still almost covering my feet. Somebody else got into the shower next to me, which only added to the problem. So now me and this other dude are standing feet deep in each other's filth.
I guess the water dripping sound started to affect me, because all of a sudden I really had to pee. Without thinking, I let the stream loose. Then I remembered that the drain wasn't draining. The pee mixed with the water pool, and we were both standing in it. I turned off the shower and ran out of the bathroom without fully drying.
**TL;DR** I pissed on some dude's feet
CouchPotatoFamine: That would really piss me off.
A_Woket: or pissed on
| 3 | 24.666667 | |
1390971551 | 1391151717 | t3_1wfvap | t5_2to41 | 6 | Agwap: TIFU by reversing into someone
It was a busy parking lot and I was trying to turn left. As I pulled up, I realized that my nose might be sticking too far out into the road (this is a brand new, leased car so I'm still unfamiliar with its dimensions). I decided to put in reverse in order to give them a little more space. All said and done, I'm still waiting to turn left. When the space is created for me to go forward, I put on the gas to go quickly so hopefully the cars behind me also have time to turn before more cars on the main road come by.
Little did my idiot mind realize, I forgot to put it back in drive. Yep, revved right into the person behind me. Luckily they had a plastic bumper so their car wasn't even scratched. Mine has a small dent, but it could've been worse. Many people started to gasp and laugh as I got out and profusely apologized. The person I hit was really understanding and actually apologized for the damage to my car. Now that dent will serve as a reminder to everyone in the parking lot "oh that's the idiot who backed into another car" every time I park there.
Please take my advice, always make sure you're in drive.
CaptainCazio: You didn't reverse into someone, you reversed into someone's *car.* There's a huge difference, bud. Please learn the English language.
Quatzecoatl: No need to be a dick. In car terms, hitting someone commonly refers to hitting their car. It's regular usage
CaptainCazio: Not really. What would you say if you actually hit a pedestrian with a car then? How do you differentiate between the two? Grammatically speaking, you would need to add an object that the possessive pronoun "someone's" is referring to.
kreSENsha: Perhaps it is colloquial? I understood perfectly by only reading the title. I think perhaps the difference in wording might be that if it was a person they may have said "reversed OVER someone," instead of "reversed INTO someone."
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1391050398 | 1391057313 | t3_1wivd9 | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU By Asking a Classmate Why She Was Taking Her Purse to the Bathroom
Overly protected, innocent high school senior. Asked the teacher to go use the restroom, and so does my chick friend.
As I'm heading out, I notice her purse and inquire her about it.
"Oh, because. Why, is there a problem?"
"No, I'm just wondering why you're taking a purse with you. Are you afraid someone's going to look in there while you're out?"
"No." (get's agitated) "Why are you so pushy about it?"
"I don't know. You don't see my taking my backpack to the restroom when I leave the classroom."
"Oh parion, I have my reasons." (Goes into the restroom)
It hit me while I was taking a tinkle. Couldn't make eye contact the rest of the day with anyone at my table without getting dirty smiles.
keeber1: ?????
parion: Where's the confusing part?
keeber1: i'm assuming she's just changing her tampon? why would anyone give you "dirty smiles?"
parion: She must of told...
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1391053303 | 1391466798 | t3_1wizw6 | t5_2to41 | 27 | MyNameIsElla: TIFU by pissing on the floor
There are random drug testing days at my school, and today I was chosen. Now, I don't do drugs or anything, so I wasn't really worried about that. I was just worrying about pissing in a cup. I don't really pay attention to where my pee comes out or anything, so I was sort of scared of pissing on the floor.
So I just let out a trickle in the toilet, and found the general place. I felt confident enough to stand up and do it. That was a bad idea. I let it out, and there is some going in the cup, so I feel fine. Once I'm done doing my business, I look down and see some drops in my underwear. Then I look down at the floor, and see a large puddle of piss. I realized what I did then, and looked for paper towels. However, the folks had taken all the toiletries out of the bathroom so that we can't tinker with our pee or anything.
After checking if I pissed on my pants, (which luckily I didn't), I hurried out the door, shutting it behind me. The guy did some stuff to the little amount I got in the cup, and let me go. I got out of there as fast as I could.
So, whoever had to use the bathroom after me, I apologize greatly.
TL;DR: Tried to piss in a cup and missed
ohmisterpabbit: What kind of school has random drug testing?
elmfuzzy: Essentially every public high school in the US. We have mandatory random drug testing at my school. If you come up positive though they just tell your parents, but you can lose scholarships if you do come up positive.
ErrantBugbear: I've never heard of this, and I'd be pretty upset to learn that my kids' school is doing piss tests.
elmfuzzy: The funny thing is that my school is one of the most well kept within many miles, and the students are all middle to upper middle class.
| 5 | 5.4 | |
1391063020 | 1391069101 | t3_1wjdgd | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by posting a status on twitter.
This actually happened monday morning.
I woke up and posted to twitter saying that i was going to blow up my school with many explosives. I specifically called out my school and then made another post referring the schools staff. (AS A JOKE. KEEP THAT IN MIND.)
Later on, my mom called me from my sisters phone and asked me what i posted on twitter with a very worried voice. I told her and she told me that the FBI called her phone while she was at work. They told her that they were going to search my house. (They didnt that day.)
The next day (Tuesday) the police department called my mom and told her that she needed to bring me in for some quick questions. After the questions were done, they asked if they could search my house for some explosives and similar things. They didnt find anything (i didnt have anything) and left. Before leaving, they told me that i couldnt return to school or ill be arrested on sight, i needed to see a pshychiatrist, and that i needed to go to court since im an "adult" now. (I thought it was 18 but i guess its 17 now)
So now the FBI is monitoring everyones phone in my house for a whole year. Moral of the story kids, don't joke around with serious things. It can get you into a shit load of trouble so don't risk it.
Jpasta: why the fuck would you even post that?
[deleted]: Apparently jokes involve terrorism these days?
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1391060419 | 1391125614 | t3_1wja6d | t5_2to41 | 147 | Ethanacho: TIFU by thinking my boss was hinting at me getting a promotion, when in reality he was telling me I might be fired.
So I was working dinner at my job at a local family owned restaurant, and the head chef asks to speak with me in the office. Not knowing what was to come next, I skittishly followed him in. He sits down, and starts talking about how he thinks I have potential, and, making sure to check that no one is coming, hints at possible cuts being made. At this point I still have no idea what's going on, but to me it seems like he is praising me for my good work lately. He lets me leave and for the rest of the night I am going over what he said.
Now after I've been replaying the talk over in my head, I'm starting to think he was saying that I could be up for a managerial position, and my boss is going to be laid off (he kind of freaked out the other night when he saw that one of the other waitresses had a huge tab for a table she was working, and he got stuck with an eight-top full of kids.)
After I finish my shift, I sit down at the bar for a beer, and the chef comes out to speak with me once again. He again seems to be hinting at someone being fired, and a better position opening up, which confirmed (for me at least) that he was telling me I might get promoted and to keep up the good work.
Fast forward a few hours, and several drinks later.
I'm at another bar meeting some old friends from school, and see a woman that used to work with me walk in. Immediately I go over and say hi, and say,
"Oh hey, Guess what! So Tod was talking to me earlier, and it seems like Leo might be getting fired and I could be getting his job as manager!"
She looks at me stunned, and says very seriously,
"You do realize his son is sitting right there next to you, right?"
Fuck.
I apologize, and he says there's nothing I can say to fix what just happened. So, I text the chef.
-Tod I fucked up man-
-I just saw Lisa at the bar and was telling her about how you were talking to me earlier, and told her I think Leo might be getting fired and I could be getting his job.-
He replies with:
-How could you think that's what I meant? I was trying to tell you that you are on the chopping block and need to step it up a little. You blew it.-
TIFU.
[deleted]: Had a similar situation. Well, similar in concept. I hate how you're required to include getting fired on applications :(
Ethanacho: I usually refrain from leaving anything about past jobs from which I left on a bad note. I've worked at enough places that will give me good references for it to be any kind of issue.
[deleted]: Yes but the law requires you not to omit previous employers does it not?
Ethanacho: not to my knowledge
| 5 | 29.4 | |
1391057062 | 1391301101 | t3_1wj5j8 | t5_2to41 | 30 | [deleted]: Tifu By texting my friends
So recently (I just found out about this sub, so bear with me) I was at the [SC Governor's School for Science and Math](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/South_Carolina_Governor's_School_for_Science_and_Mathematics) to learn computer programming. About Mid week I was texting my friend about coding and governors school in general. I get a text that says:
> How do you feel about games and developers now
so I reply:
>After this, i have a ton of respect for devs now.
I receive a reply,
> what r devs
I thought that my friend was being dumb on purpose, so I send a one word reply:
> Faggot
A few seconds after I send the text I get this feeling. You know that feeling where something bad's happened and you don't quite know what it was? That's the one. So i check my phone and see:
>To Alan (my father)
Faggot
My friends name was Austin. The people I was hanging out with say that I turned white as a sheet. See, both my parents are devout Christians. I am too, just not too devout. I received no reply.
That was on Wednesday.
The Camp was over on Saturday.
~Three days of fear. Nothing came out of it when I explained that it was meant for my friend, but that was the longest three days of my life.
**Bonus Story**
I was over at my friends playing D&D. We were getting set up (getting 7-15 year old boys to agree on anything is a herculean task) When i was describing how some kid had gotten signed out of English glass earlier.
"so he walks to the door, *holds up both middle fingers* and walks out. the teacher didn't even notice"
While i'm telling this story, all of my friends are giving me the "shut the fuck up look" when I realize that the host's dad was right behind me. They are all Catholics. They probably still think i'm a bad influence (which I am).
He also walked up behind me while I was describing the CAH card "Firing a rifle while balls deep in squealing hog" We haven't played since.
[deleted]: So you're in trouble for simply saying that word? (The word that I got banned from this sub for the last time I said it)
BEST_USERNAME_EVA: faggot? the mods would ban you for saying, not calling anyone, just saying, faggot? seriously?
elmfuzzy: I feel like it's childish to get banned for saying faggot. Regardless of whether I'm calling someone a faggot or just using the word faggot. Faggot.
BEST_USERNAME_EVA: it kind of is. faggot :) ^^^/s
elmfuzzy: Fag
BEST_USERNAME_EVA: dont call me a fag, fag
...we're gonna get banned
elmfuzzy: YOLO
BEST_USERNAME_EVA: some faggot is downvoting us, upvotes all around faggot
| 9 | 3.333333 | |
1391088215 | 1391128845 | t3_1wjykt | t5_2to41 | 747 | sostupidme: TIFU by leaving my sexting chat open on the computer
I had the gmail chat window open and was enjoying a fun time talking to an old flame and things were getting kind of heated. It was nice. I was drunk. So when I bid him adieu I closed the chat window and went on to bed. I got up this morning to see that while I had closed the pop-out chat window, everything was there on my gmail in a smaller window. And I'd forgotten to close that. Ugh, I am so dumb. The computer was used by two family members but nobody was acting weird. We all use different browsers so its entirely possible that nobody clicked on the chrome icon to see my extremely embarrassing conversation. I think I aged five years today when I saw that it was still on the pc for everyone to see.
Kreepygamer: I will never miss the days of shared computers. I have 3 computers all to myself.
Reddit_Never_Lies: Why three? The only thing I could think of would be work, personal, and gaming, which I suppose that makes sense, but three computers for one person still sounds a little unnecessary.
Edit: Well this seemed to be quite a controversial statement. Not sure why, I was simply asking a question.
naryn: Gaming PC at home
Laptop for being able to move around
Work
yogurtshwartz: That's what I have
naryn: Exactly, it's not especially excessive
yogurtshwartz: I ha e an excessive number of devices that run Netflix
Biffingston: Xbox, a 500 dollar Netflix machine.
xaronax: Will never understand that. For the cost of 3 months of Xbox live you could buy a Roku.
Biffingston: don't look at me, I never bought Xbox live. I'm a solo player mostly.
xaronax: You must have Xbox Live Gold to use Netflix on an Xbox. It's another reason the PS3 is the best media device I've ever owned.
ThePickleAvenger: ...what about a tv? Or a computer?
xaronax: As a media device? Or for Netflix?
I have a massive Samsung TV. My PS3 is the centerpiece of everything that gets played on it. Blu-rays, streams from my PC, stuff directly off of USB sticks and portable HDDs, Youtube, whatever. It tells my receiver and TV to turn on and change inputs and accepts commands from my TV remove with HDMI-CEC. It has a gigantic hard drive I can keep an entire series on while I watch it. I really couldn't ask more from it.
| 13 | 57.461538 | |
1391102378 | 1391192353 | t3_1wkieg | t5_2to41 | 3,349 | dreeeewk: TIFU by having explosive diarrhea in my college dorm shower.
PREFACE: This week I just started a new diet where i'm increasing my daily calorie intake and adding more protein to my diet. Needless to say I've been gassy as fuck since Monday.
So I go to the gym after eating a pretty huge dinner. At the gym I was making a huge fart storm the whole time I was there, my dinner is making me more gassy than normal. It was those gross wet and warm farts that make you feel like you have a load of shit in your pants. So after my workout I go back to my dorm and glug down a protein shake before I take a shower in my communal hallway bathroom, which accommodates about 14 other guys on my floor.
My shake just aggravates my gas and makes my stomach feel a little ill. So I continue to head towards the bathroom, busting ass the whole walk there. When I get there, there was only 1 shower open and the other 2 showers were occupied. So i'm in the shower, farting, and gagging from the smell of my warm steamy shower farts, and at this point i'm sure the whole bathroom was gagging also. When I bend over to scrub my feet, I let out a massive fart...when the unexpected explosion happened. And by just the sound alone I could tel something wasn't right.
Now, these showers are tiny, comparable to a janitorial broom closet. With that being said, I turn around and see my mess covering the bottom halves of the three of the walls surrounding the shower. Without thinking I let out a huge "OHHHHHH SHIT!". And at this point I hear the water turning off in the 2 other occupied showers, and one kid yelling "'THE FUCK WAS THAT!?" I'm pretty sure I gassed everyone out of the bathroom.
So I try to aim the shower head at the walls to remove the shit, but it only worked for a portion of the walls. I started to panic because I was worried about all the kids on my floor finding out I had just shit myself in the shower, which would spread around campus like wildfire. So in a panic and without thinking, I grab my (white) shower towel and start wiping down the walls to clean up my mess. After a couple minutes of frantically scrubbing shit off a wall and cleaning off my ass, I realize that I now have to do something with this completely vile towel. So completely naked, I run out of the shower and toss the towel into the trashcan, which was pretty full and had no lid, allowing anyone to see it. I then realize I have nothing to cover up my naked body as I run back to my dorm room except for a pair of dirty underwear and a bar of soap.
I say fuck it, run out of the bathroom and sprint down the hallway with barely any coverage of my crotch and ass. As I'm running I hear commotion from a couple dorm rooms, which I figured were the two guys who were taking a shower telling their roommates. I get to my room and luckily my roommate wasn't there. So I lay low and check out the crime scene about an hour later. It turns out someone told the RA, who checked the shower and saw the towel, forcing her to call custodial services. The bathroom went on quarantine for the night as custodial staff had to scrub and disinfect every inch of the bathroom as protocol. TIFU big time.
**TLDR; my new diet made me put my dorm bathroom on quarantine**
EDIT: Spelling and put in paragraph format
frmango1: At least you didn't get caught. That's all that matters to be honest.
mmartinez42793: Seriously, when no one catches you do something extremely embarrassing it's easier to just expunge it from your memory as if it never happened.
But in the back of you mind you know what you did. And you know you better not fucking do it again.
dreeeewk: Im actually pretty proud of this, I consider not getting caught a huge accomplishment
siegewolf: 1. You didn't shit your pants.
2. You didn't get caught.
Son, I think you're in the wrong subreddit.
SuperbusAtheos: Also ran naked.
Akiba89: Victory lap
SuperbusAtheos: >Victory fap
Akiba89: I dunno, molten shit doesn't make me want to do that
| 9 | 372.111111 | |
1391105122 | 1391150705 | t3_1wkn5v | t5_2to41 | 459 | Baroliche: TIFU by listening to the radio in my car when a pretty girl walked up to ask for directions. [nsfw]
This TIFU is 10 minutes old.
I was on my way to work and was waiting at a red light across from a health club in my neighborhood.
There was a gorgeous girl waiting on the corner. I'm married and not interested in other women, but I still notice pretty girls. I was sitting in the drivers seat, listening to a certain satellite radio personality with my windows rolled up, not really aware of the volume.
I glance left and this girl is looking right at me, smiling, and walking towards me from the crosswalk. She motions for me to roll down my window, and steps up to it as I start rolling it down. I reach towards the radio to turn it down, and hear her say "Hi!" in a very friendly tone. She is just outside my window, which is now halfway down.
Just then the radio show I am listening to plays a clip from another show member. LOUD and clear, right as I've made eye contact with this girl, "I WANT TO PUT MY DICK WHERE YOUR SHIT COMES OUT", blares from my speakers. Horrified I twist the volume down. Before I can apologize she says, "Do you know...Do you know...never mind.." And quickly walks off.
I hope one day I see her at the gym so I can apologize, but damn, that was pretty awkward.
green_griffon: Eli Braden or Little Mikey?
Baroliche: It was Howard Stern. The quote they played was from Ronnie the Limo Driver. I'm sure they will replay it all day.
People either love or hate Stern, but I have never heard a better interviewer.
[deleted]: I would have put money that you were listening to Opie & Anthony and it was Jim Norton screaming.
Cause that's pretty much what he screams... a lot.
OceanRacoon: That's how I imagined it alright
| 5 | 91.8 | |
1391112136 | 1391116724 | t3_1wkzqj | t5_2to41 | 85 | TIFUthrowawayyy: TIFU by knocking a girl's front tooth out.
First off I want to say that I feel absolutely terrible about this, and it happened 2 nights ago. This is the only free time I've had lately to write this all down. (btw I'm an average sized 5'11" guy)
I go to a pretty big university in the southeast US (and Im sure as many of you know we got hit with a little snow in the last two days!). It started snowing around midday, but I never really thought anything of it. Come 11 oclock, it was really starting to come down, and I got a text from a friend telling me to come out to the huge hill by the stadium b/c there were around 400 or more people there sledding and pretty much having an outdoor party.
Well everything's going awesome and it was one of the funnest nights I've had in a while. Pretty much everybody made a line on two sides going down the entire hill, and then two people would getting a running start and push someone on a sled so they sped all the way down the hill. When the cops showed up we thought we were busted but they ended up just closing down the road for us.
We could tell something bad was likely to happen once things started getting out of hand (four football players sliding down the hill on a mattress knocking people over), but it was fun so nobody really cared.
Well, I go up to the top of the hill and my friends are ready to push me down... so off I go! I was going pretty fast and screaming for people to get out of the way if they werent paying attention, and then this one girl is just standing there with her friends and I'm aimed right for her. Her friends jumped out of the way, but she didn't. Even though I tried to stop, my head went straight into her knee and I got knocked off pretty hard.
I was a little dazed for a couple seconds and by the time my friends got to me and I saw what was going on, everyone had made a circle around the girl that I hit b/c she was just sitting there in a lot of pain. Turns out she had been flipped and hit her face on the ground, and knocked her top front tooth out. I was a little shaken up (as was she) by the time she got up and started waving and walking away as everyone was cheering for her. There was so much going on that nobody seemed to notice I was the one that knocked her over.
I feel terrible b/c I never got a chance to apologize to her, I don't know who she was, and I just can't believe I actually knocked a girl's front tooth out. I know if that were me, I'd be so depressed and embarrassed, but I heard she stayed out another hour or so and paramedics later showed up at her dorm for her. I feel like an inconsiderate dick.
TLDR: It snowed at our college so I flipped a girl onto the pavement and knocked her tooth out.
PotatoQuie: If you're going to stand at the bottom of a hill where people are sledding, pay some damn attention. Not really your fault, dude. Unless you were sledding in a different area from everyone else.
Racsos: agreed, the blame is on her for being so naive
| 3 | 28.333333 | |
1391125121 | 1391139828 | t3_1wlmop | t5_2to41 | 85 | HooksFourHands: TIFU by releasing a thunderfart
My earliest class this semester is at 8 AM. I am not a morning person. This means I drink approximately 4-8 cups (measurement) of coffee in the hour before class starts. I have acid reflux. This is not a bright idea. This amount of coffee in a short amount of time on a near-empty stomach generally makes me feel like I am about to lose all control of my bodily functions and vomit and piss myself all at once.
Towards the middle of class, the coffee hits my bladder. I try to hold it in as long as possible because the professor doesn't like people leaving in the middle of class, even if they're just going to the bathroom. Delaying this results in not only feeling like my bladder is about to explode, but now a lovely gas bubble has developed somewhere in my guts and is rolling around making life hell. At this point I'm in danger of pissing my pants, so I decide to risk it and sprint to the bathroom.
On the other side of the hall there were a couple of people sitting on a bench. I think nothing of it. Right as I'm peeing, I hear what can only be the janitor's cleaning cart rolling down the hall. The door creaks open.
"Anybody in here?" the janitor asks.
"Yes." I reply. And just then, my sphincter decides to betray me. I guess since the pressure was releasing from my bladder, it allowed the gas bubble to make its escape. And escape it did. As I was on the toilet, it echoed like I had just given birth to some otherworldly hellspawn of the deep.
From out in the hallway comes a burst of laughter and a resounding "Holy shit!"
But at least my fuck up didn't result in me soiling myself. That must count for something.
wrectangle: >it echoed like I had just given birth to some otherworldly hellspawn of the deep.
Your wording is so fantastic and you didn't reset the counter. I would say it counts casue it could have been much worse.
Gazzy7890: Reset the counter?
Dinosoarman: Theres a counter of days on here since someone shat there pants.
HooksFourHands: I know. I didn't shit my pants. Ergo, the counter does not need re-setting.
| 5 | 17 | |
1391129563 | 1391191504 | t3_1wltt7 | t5_2to41 | 58 | justdowntheroad: TIFU by stopping at Motel 6 to call 911
This happened to me on the way home today...pretty ridiculous if you ask me...I know it's long, but it just made me so mad that I wanted to share it with people.
Well...I was just driving home from work, getting my hair cut and Chipotle when I saw a drunk driver or at least under the influence of something. I pulled over at the closest safe spot, which happened to be Motel 6 by the Co-op. I called 911 and explained the situation, as the guy was getting on I-90. I leave motel 6 and realize there is a cop trying to get behind me, he followed me to he street by my house (when I turned off of Central) and pulled me over.
He and his partner came to my window and asked for my license and registration...without even telling me WHY they pulled me over. However, before going back to his car he asked me where I was coming from, I explained that I was at work, then got my hair cut, then went to Chipotle and then I was about to tell him I stopped at Motel 6 to call 911, when he cut me off and asked if I had any outstanding warrants or if I'd ever been arrested...I said no. He asked if I had a drug habit...I said no. He said, I hope you're not lying to me because I am going to run your information. He also said at one point, you are being so nonchalant with your answers which makes it seem like you're lying. (I guess I should have called him "sir.")
He ran my information, and came back and asked me...on a scale from 1-10 how confident am I that I have don't anything illegal in my car. I said "10 being i don't have anything? 10. I am 100% sure. I just came back from taking care of a 3 month old baby all day." He said, did you stop anywhere else on the way home?(which i'd like to remind you...I tried to tell him earlier when he cut me off) and I told him that I stopped at Motel 6 to call 911 and he FLIPPED OUT about how I didn't tell him that, how it's trespassing if you go in their parking lot without staying there, how there are known drug problems there and that he'd like to see my phone saying I called 911. Unfortunately, it didn't show that I called 911(most likely so you can't accidentally pocket dial it after you've called it)...so they took my information (oh yeah by the way, at this point there were 2 cop cars with 4 cops total looking with a flashlight in my car, asking me the same questions over and over again and telling me to keep my hands on the wheel.(At least the guy who was "watching" me at my car was nice. We joked about how cold it was and he told me I could keep my hands on the BOTTOM of the wheel because it's cold...)
The main guy came back and told me that 911 cleared my story and thanked me for being honest. (Which, why wouldn't I be?) AND, he told me that he wasn't going to give me a ticket and that the "real" reason he pulled me over was because I need to turn my turn signals on 100 ft before I switch lanes, and that I wasn't giving other driver adequate time to figure out what I'm doing.
era650: Hook a brother up w a TL;DR
Edit: Lol at the downvotes
binger5: Dude calls 911 about a drunk driver he saw on the road, and cops pull him over and question him over some bullshit.
justdowntheroad: Except I'm a dudette
binger5: Apologies.
justdowntheroad: No problem :)
| 6 | 9.666667 | |
1391152545 | 1391201033 | t3_1wmoxg | t5_2to41 | 8 | habanerobirthday: TIFU on my Birthday and deserve the Habanero present
It’s my birthday today. Happy Birthday to me!
My day started well, favorite breakfast, lunch at the street corner on my work, and dinner with friends and family. Now as I lay in my bed, my phone beeps for an alarm for my birthday with a letter attachment to it. I wrote myself a letter last year of the things I should do, adventures I should take, lessons I need to learn etc. As I go through the letter I can’t help but notice that I almost accomplished all of those things on the letter. Except for my biggest FU.
I told myself to stop dating different girl every month and just focus on one. And I did. I met her, and with her I am me, no holding back, no lies, not pretending, I am just me. Last year was an amazing year because I have her. Then I FU. I broke up with her because I got cold feet and I thought we were going too fast and we are going serious too soon.
Now that it is my birthday, I never felt alone. Yes, I have my family but I have an estranged relationship with all of them. I have my friends who I met through games but I they never understand the real me. I had her, nothing else matter except her but I lost her because my 25 year old me broke up with her one sunny Wednesday thinking it is the right thing to do. Of course the player in me, ignore all her calls, and texts, and never answer the door to even just talk.
If I could go back to fall of last year, I would kick myself in the balls, or I would even touch habanero peppers then remove my contacts and wank without even washing my hands to learn my lesson.
I never felt so alone, so on my birthday, I hope you guys learn from my lesson. It’s ok to be afraid, to get scared, to feel overwhelmed, because of the end of the day, you have that someone and the feeling being loved is the greatest feeling of all. (Plus, you don’t want to ever experience the habanero situation!)
TL/DR: It’s my birthday today and I never felt alone because my 25 year old me last year wrote me list of things I should have done like stop dating different girl every month and be serious with one girl, which I did but I got cold feet and broke up with her. I deserve the habanero situation right now.
WPBDoc: Confession: I only read this to learn what the "habanero situation " is.
WhatWouldTrotskyDo: You must be new here.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1391153149 | 1393876895 | t3_1wmpfl | t5_2to41 | 196 | tifuthroaway92: tifu by accidentally and regularly displaying my semi-weird sexual kinks/fetishes to my roommate
So I'm a college student, living in a ridiculously small dorm with another girl. By ridiculously small, I'm talking one room, no separations, barely space to store our stuff. Two beds, a minifridge and microwave, and that's pretty much it. I have a boyfriend who lives about an hour away, but sometimes I get, y'know, lonely, and I'll browse /r/BDSMvideo or /r/nsfw_gifs or just good ol' xhamster. Obviously I do this while alone in the room, typically, but honestly I have an appreciation for the human body, especially the female form, and will occasionally watch porn/browse NSFW subreddits for the heck of it, without playing with myself. Just because sometimes I like to look at sexy women or men doing sexy things. Idk, maybe that's not the norm..
Anyway, our beds are set up so that I have my back to the wall while sitting in bed, and I'm facing her, with our beds being perpendicular.
I have a mirror in place of a headboard, because the way we had the room arranged initially had my desk in this corner.
So, while browsing nsfw_gifs just moments ago, feeling confident that if she were to glance over, I look like I'm just doing some web surfing, looking at cat pictures or studying or something, I came to the halting and embarrassing revelation that she is at the perfect angle to see, in the reflection of the mirror behind me, exactly what I look at while I'm online.
I can think of an uncomfortable number of times when what I was looking at was not in the realm of 'normal' or 'studying' or 'web surfing', and she was wide awake right across the room, with a front row seat.
TIFU, reddit, hold me.
WhatWouldTrotskyDo: I honestly can't understand why sharing a room in college seems to be standerd in anerica. Here in Ireland that would be unacceptable, its very rare for someone to have a shared room.
snorting_dandelions: No shit, shared rooms sounds fucking weird to me. I can deal with it in hostels where I'm pretty much away all day long anyway and only come there to sleep, but *living* like that? That sounds annoying as fuck. Can't bring over your girlfriend to fuck whenever you want to, hell, you can't even fart until you know for sure the other people in the room don't care(and that doesn't really seem all that likely?). You can only masturbate when your roommate is away, but what are you doing when your roommate is sitting in his room all day long because he has no life outside of his classes? Playing a match of counterstrike at 3 in the morning with some of your buddies? Yeah, no, roommate is sleeping and probably wants to keep doing so. Rolling a joint probably doesn't work either if your roommate is anti-drugs or something. What about scrambled eggs at 6 in the morning right after you come home from partying?
Holy shit, there are so many fucking things that would annoy me. I can't even read news when someone's looking over my shoulders. I'd have to shoot myself before I moved into the same room with some stranger.
MrBitterman: So, basically you are a selfish, socially-retarded hedonist?
snorting_dandelions: I'd rather live in my own room than to make some imaginary roommates uncomfortable, yeah, how selfish.
Fuck, you're retarded
| 5 | 39.2 | |
1391154724 | 1391201157 | t3_1wmqos | t5_2to41 | 3 | DreamRemapEXNull: TIFU by taking off my bike helmet
So I was riding my bike to school while listening to music on in-ear headphones. Close to school gate I take my helmet off while still riding, with the helmet comes the headphones. They fall out of my ears and go straight into the bike's chain and gears and for some reason I decided that maybe if I kept peddling they would just rip more and fall out. Wrong. So now I'm stuck at school with my bike jammed and can't listen to music.
[deleted]: You are a fuckin idiot. Not only for continuing to peddle, but also not putting the cable in your shirt
doITphaggit: Not only that, one simply doesn't listen to music while riding a bike because you can't hear traffic if you do. Learned this the hard way, got honked at by a truck.
| 3 | 1 | |
1391194549 | 1391229917 | t3_1wnxpr | t5_2to41 | 3,053 | NaSTyNewYawK: TIFU by asking to increase the dosage of my anti-depressants
So. To make a long story short I've had a very traumatic childhood that has stayed with me for the majority of my life and for the most part still bothers me. The emotional distress was to a level I couldn’t handle by simply talking to other people. My mind decided to choose self harm as a coping skill. This was one year ago. For an entire year, I have been cutting myself. My arms and legs are horribly scarred. I kept it hidden the entire time until yesterday. I was talking to my outpatient therapist about it, and he never brought it to any of my family members. He was working with me to stop, and we definitely made progress. It went from ~100 cuts a night to ~10 a week. I was on anti-depressants for 7 years prior, and I thought it would be a great idea to make changes in the medication as I move on for college. So I told my nurse practitioner to raise the dosage or add another medication. She asked why, and I told her that I resulted to self harm. She immediately called my mom and told her. Once I got home, we had a verbal shootout and I ended up in a mental hospital (where I am right now, at the moment). I just received news that my family has decided that they do not want me at home anymore and most likely will be sent to a residential facility. My family doesn’t feel safe with me at home and no longer ‘wants’ me there.
Doctor_Crumb: Your family sounds very unsupportive. Maybe being away from them will be for the better?
tjutachi: Might be actually worth living in a mental hospital.
Spaceman_Spiff_90: Mental hospitals are terrible. Residential facilities, however, can be pretty decent.
SoulCoughing97: I'm horrified of what happens behind the walls of mental hospitals after seeing the documentary Children of Darkness.
traviesaurus: I started watching it, but dude this is from 30 years ago... Things have changed.
TwoChe: No, people are still people. Don't fool yourself.
CovingtonLane: Thanks for putting the OP at ease. It doesn't sounds like s/he has a lot of choice in the matter right now.
TwoChe: OP is not.going to a mental hospital.
dustyflip: OP posted this from a mental hospital
| 10 | 305.3 | |
1391138546 | 1391199019 | t3_1wm7j6 | t5_2to41 | 9 | INEVERREMEMBERMYNAM3: TIFU by riding my bike on the wrong side of the street.
It was raining today and a good bit, too. Left to go to my girlfriend's apartment and it's quicker to ride on the wrong side of the street for a moment. There was a huge puddle near a curve in the road and as I rode past it a car drove through it and I got soaked. Head to toe drenched. Wasn't even halfway to my girlfriends. Showed up to my girlfriend's frustrated(which I have a history of, people are retarded), so she wasn't happy I'm showing up all frustrated. I immediately changed into pants I luckily had left there and put all my clothes into the wash. My girlfriend didn't say anything for twenty minutes and then said, "I'm taking a shower," which meant she was frustrated. TLDR; I tried to avoid getting wet and got soaked with a side of frustrated girlfriend.
wakebakey: As I see it you f'd up by not making it an amusing excuse to get naked with your GF
INEVERREMEMBERMYNAM3: I hopped in the shower and eventually got her to not be frustrated, but I hate when she gets bitchy.
wakebakey: Excellent do you see my point in that if you had no allowed the soaking to frustrate you and instead took some amusement from it you may have not then had to deal with a bitchy GF anyways I'm like a bumbling clutz of minor disasters master most of time you can play them off for sympathy and laughs which can make for a good time
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1391198642 | 1391200523 | t3_1wo4of | t5_2to41 | 55 | [deleted]: TIFU by opening a link to a post on /r/incest while at work
I got a notice from our firewall about that link being blocked because of pornography. I'm waiting for my boss to call me into his office...
J_Pinehurst: Were you there on purpose?
populista: No, I was reading the "broken arms" post on /r/iama and then following the /u/verifiedson comments I ended up clicking on that link without noticing where it was going to.
| 3 | 18.333333 | |
1391198988 | 1391478441 | t3_1wo58b | t5_2to41 | 48 | badmomthrowaway1: TIFU by throwing shoes
This actually happened yesterday but it has taken me until now to calm down. Throwaway because my co-workers know my main account.
---
I was having a really bad day at work yesterday. I called my husband over lunch to vent. I didn't realize how long I talked until I got off the phone and saw it was a 20 minute call where my husband barely got a word in.
I left work about 2 hours early that afternoon because I was so pissed off and exhausted. I was very surprised to see my husband's car when I got home. Usually he works as late as me. I was even more surprised to find a pair of women's shoes that weren't mine by the door. My husband never brings people over without telling me first so I quickly got upset thinking he was doing something behind my back.
Now, keep in mind I was pretty pissed off and agitated at this point. I grabbed the shoes and started storming through the house looking for the woman they belonged to. I didn't see her or my husband anywhere on the main floor so I went upstairs to our bedroom.
The bedroom door was partway open. I could only see the bottom half of the bed from this angle. My heart skipped a beat when I saw my husband's feet and a girl's jacket at the end of the bed.
I flung the shoes around the door as I pushed it open with my other hand. I did this before seeing the full scene in front of me. I just aimed for the top of the bed trying to hit one or both of them. One of the shoes bounced off the side off the bed and fell to the floor. The other flew over my husband and hit the person laying next to him...my 3 year old daughter. She immediately burst into tears.
What happened was my husband left work early after I got off the phone with him. It was a slow day which is unusual for him. He might have told me he was going to do this during our call but honestly don't remember anything he said. He picked up our daughter from daycare and stopped at the store before going home. He saw a pair of shoes he thought I would like and being the sweetheart that he is he got them for me hoping it would cheer me up from my bad day.
Our daughter took the shoes out of the packaging on the way home and my husband put them by the door without thinking about it. He fell asleep reading a story to her and didn't hear me come in. The jacket on the bed was actually one of my old ones that my daughter sometimes wears when she gets cold. It's really big on her but she likes it. I didn't recognize it was mine because it was kind of crumpled up at the end of the bed.
Now my daughter has a big bruise on her chest and I feel like the worst person in the world.
tldr; thought I caught my husband cheating but I was wrong, very wrong.
vajayjay1: OP, in the most polite way possible:
Chill. The. FUCK. Out.
Sometimes being too impulsive results in shit storms that make things worse.
WPBDoc: What she said.
FredlyDaMoose: Might be a guy- *sees username* nvm
Defiant_Tomato: Still might be a guy...
| 5 | 9.6 | |
1391205801 | 1391280246 | t3_1woh2r | t5_2to41 | 14 | Throwawaywawaywayway: TIFU by almost hitting and cutting off a government vehicle
So, yeah. I was at a light, and the two lanes at the light are turning lanes that go left. I was in the left most lane, and when I turned, I needed to be in the right lane. For some reason (God help me, this was so stupid) I thought I could merge with the right lane while turning to get into the right hand lane. There was a van right there, who of course had no way of knowing what I was doing. So of course he slams on his horn and slows down, and just as I realize what an incredible douchebag move I just made, I see he has government plates. Guy is on a cell phone, and I clearly see him hang up and dial another number, which I know could mean anything from him just making another work call or something having to do with this prick who cut him off and almost sideswiped him.
I know I'm paranoid, but I feel like I'm waiting for the shoe to drop. It'd be my fault, too.
Justworkhere: Don't be intimidated by the Government. He can call anyone he wants, it doesn't make a difference who that fuck is, the only people who can do anything to you is the police for making an illegal turn. You can't give government assholes with a power hard-ons the ability to intimidate you. Like I said, he can't do shit except report it to the police. He may think he is invincible because he works for the Government, but a traffic violation can't get you assassinated. You're gonna be fine. And if not, martyr, martyr, martyr.
KristyConfused: Well, a lawyer could cause you trouble as well, but it's unlikely that a police officer OR a lawyer would be driving an unmarked government vehicle.
Justworkhere: I meant that the driver of the vehicle can only call the police.
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1391215741 | 1391279727 | t3_1wowlk | t5_2to41 | 26 | luckyDucs: Tifu by buying a motorcycle off of craigslist. I had no idea what a certificate of destruction was.
So last week I decided to finally get my motorcycle license and get a bike. Originally I wanted to buy one from a used bike shop but after searching for a while I found a used Ducati Monster on craigslist for 2100. So I called the guy and set up a buy.
He told me that he ran a storage facility for expensive luxury cars. Now I am unsure if the location was the correct place even though he went and got a ramp off of the property to place the bike in the back of my van.
He said that the bike was previously owned by an insurance company and that the title was turned over to them once the company did not pay the storage fees. As we were signing papers in the dark I noticed that the top of the paper did say certificate of desttruction but I put it off as some legal term.
It showed that the vehicle was signed over to a company from state farm in 2012 and it showed about a thousand miles has been put on the bike since then.
Now today after getting my motorcycle license, getting insurance on the bike buying all of the gear gps and security for the bike, I took it to get a plate registered on the bike and the guy says no can do.
I have no idea what the certificate of destruction was issued for becuase it looks like the bike was completely restored. The tires are brand new, they changed the oil. The guy even stayed with me for about a half an hour explaining everything about the bike and I called him whenever I had any issues but now he is not answering.
I live in Florida and the guy at the tag place said that the only place that I can register the vehicle is in georgia or virginia. I searched that it is possible to get a rebuilt status for the bike by buying a new frame but I cannot find one online. But I would have to transfer ownership over to a relative that lives in eiter state or Kentucy, I found a forum post online stating that they will do it as well.
I have no idea what to do. I tried searching for frames online for the bike but couldnt find any.
**Tldr; got sold an unusable bike in what seems like great condition.**
[deleted]: "Certificate of Destruction" sounds like the most sinister thing ever.
luckyDucs: Yep If I get a boat that'll be its name. *Certificate of Destruction* the most feared vessel on the open ocean.
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1391209277 | 1391234785 | t3_1womqx | t5_2to41 | 52 | [deleted]: TIFU by quitting smoking
I just started my first semester of graduation school. As an undergrad I studied mathematics. Math and cigarettes go to together like bread and butter for some reason. However my graduate studies are in Industrial Engineering specifically on Healthcare Operations. After a week of meetings with physicians and studying healthcare I started to feel like a hypocrite. I thought it over, prepared myself and smoked my last cigarette. I figured if I'm going to do this I might as well do it right, so I went to my universities health center and got a sweet little coupon for nicotine patches.
The patches are great, so far I have had cravings but they are nothing compared to cold turkey cravings. With a positive outlook I can do this!
....but one thing about cigarettes is they make you shit. Imagine having controlled shits and then losing that ability. Along with increased appetite, desire for exotic food (since I can actually taste stuff now), and a high protein diet as I started exercising. My bowels have been restless to say the least.
There I am, minding my own business in the library when this urge comes over me, at first a slight suggestion but gradually a screaming siren. So I head to the bathroom to do the deed. One stall is occupied and the other has a bowl with a very low amount of water. Whatever, I need to exercise this demon. So I begin, browse /r/TIFU and laugh about all the people who shit themselves today.
I finish and flush, the bowl empties and then rises, and rises, and rises carrying my deposits along with it. I go into panic mode, my bag is on the floor, and my jeans are unbuttoned. I just got these raw denim jeans for Christmas so they are still stiff and hard to button up. Not wanting to be trapped in a stall with a shit volcano, I grab my bag and rush out pants down. My classmates stare in disbelief, at what must be a strange site.
I ungracefully button myself up and take one look back at the bowl. The water level is perfectly aligned with the rim. As if it was a sign from the gods. A sign that said, fuck you.
wrectangle: Karma was saying "You're on my counter reset list."
Edit:you're
Shrappy: You're*
| 3 | 17.333333 | |
1391228278 | 1391322978 | t3_1wpdir | t5_2to41 | 108 | throwaway48576: TIFU by torrenting Frozen.
Throwaway needed here, as if anyone I knew found out, Holy shit it would be bad. This happened mainly last night, and some of this morning. I am a 17 year old who lives with dad, mom and sister. I am kinda geeky, so I pretty much use my computer every minute of the day. My dad and I are pretty cool (not too sure about now), but we have a rule that if he finds porn downloaded, or on search history, I would lose Laptop for a week. I kept finding ways to view it, with him never finding out, eventually, this led to me being not secretive about it, which is how I fucked up.
My dad asked me to torrent the new movie Frozen, so my sister can watch it, when he usually is 100% against my torrenting. I ask him why, but he won't tell me. He goes to bed, and my little sister does too. I queue Frozen to download, and go about my night porn adventure. Normally, I would watch normal stuff, sometimes on sites, and sometimes through torrents. Yesterday, I looked for stuff on TPB, and found nothing that interested me, so I looked at stuff that not as many people view. I found Horse Porn. Being 17, and wanting to masturbate, I downloaded it, and turned it on. Literally, It is the grossest thing ever, I only watched like 10 seconds before I realized what this shit actually was. I closed it and went to bed. I had forgot delete the Horse Porn video, but I would not remember until the next morning, which was today.
I wake up, shower, get dressed, and go downstairs to the family room to eat my breakfast. Saw dad sitting in my chair, on my computer, taking a thumb-drive out of my computer. FUCK. He had to have seen it, it was labeled "GIRL ON HORSE ADVENTURE". Life turns into slow motion. We pass ways, him walking to the kitchen, and me moving to my chair. All he says is "I'm disappointed in you son." I look on my computer, and there is is. The fucking downloads folder, with the only remaining file being "GIRL ON HORSE ADVENTURE". I had not been cautions, and it paid its price. At the time that I am writing this, It is about 15 hours later, and he hasn't said a word to me, and hasn't taken away my computer. I honestly have no idea if he even considers me as a person now, as we are usually great pals. So reddit, that is how I fucked up by torrenting Frozen.
**TL;DR OP downloads horse porn, forgets about it, and his dad finds it.**
penguin_sweater: It's called "GIRL ON HORSE ADVENTURE"? You could always lie and say that you'd seen the name of it and assumed it was for kids, and downloaded it for your sister as well before realising what it was.
IndianJesus: He's 17. I'm sure the father realizes that his son isn't an idiot.
Source: am 17
penguin_sweater: True, but no one wants to admit to themselves that their kid watches horse porn.
IndianJesus: Well yeah, but nobody wants their kid to use such a blatantly horrible lie either.
penguin_sweater: That's true I suppose. I mean, I'd rather my kid watch horse porn than think of poorly crafted lies as well.
IndianJesus: I mean if my kid lied to me I'd know, but if it was a good lie then I'd be a little less mad.
Also kids watch porn. I really hope I don't forget that when I'm a dad and lose my balls over something so small.
penguin_sweater: Of course kids watch porn, that's got to be a normal thing, right?
But considering the embarrassing nature of what it was, I don't think the dad will believe him even if he told him the truth (downloaded out of curiosity, but that he was disgusted by it).
Personally, if I'm ever a Mum, I hope I'm super scary. That way I can let my kids away with stuff (like this) and they'll just assume it's a miracle and ~~never do it again~~ get better at hiding it.
IndianJesus: Oh right I had forgotten it was *horse* porn.
And man if more moms were like that then the world would be a better place.
| 9 | 12 | |
1391228002 | 1391234322 | t3_1wpd53 | t5_2to41 | 53 | [deleted]: TIFU. Guys, I Shat Myself.
I shat myself, standing in line at the bank.
NEVER trust a fart. Fuck. It dripped out of my pants on the floor as I walked out. Fuck.
teddybearsdontgrowl: Finally, I get to reset the counter :-) this is my first!
magicfatkid: How long did we make it?
| 3 | 17.666667 |
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