start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1391238824 | 1391388682 | t3_1wppbh | t5_2to41 | 162 | shakaspeare: TIFU by telling a woman she turned her leg into a giant cock
So a woman was telling me of a problem she had...a swollen leg. She said she had hurt it a few weeks back and put a strap around the knee yesterday while she went to a party. There she enjoyed quite a few alcoholic drinks and today the single leg was quite swollen. She asked me why I thought that was.
I offered my guess, that since alcohol opens the capilaries and she put the strap on, that it had trapped a lot of fluid in her lower leg. Now that's all fine, except how did I phrase it?
"You've basically turned your leg into an erect penis and the bandage is acting like a cock ring."
moon_buggy: She should really see a doctor about her leg, if she hasn't already. Swelling in only one leg could represent a Deep Venous Thrombosis, or a clot in the leg, which can be very dangerous and propagate to the lung.
spacepuppy69: Waiting a day or two makes plenty of sense, though. A logical reason *could* be the alcohol, I always swell up after drinking.
| 3 | 54 | |
1391229638 | 1391239648 | t3_1wpf6p | t5_2to41 | 9 | Kelsig: TIFU by ironically copy-pasting Darqwolff's famous copy pasta to a girl I like
[This thing](http://www.reddit.com/r/gaming/comments/sf2e7/i_sent_gabe_newell_a_question_about_what_his_life/c4dmknx)
Anyway we were just being silly by insulting each other. She called me a faggot so I copy-pasted that. She read it all and wrote me a paragraph about how she didn't mean the insults. Then I linked the thread and she called me a total dick. Now she won't talk to me.
le
Sir_Narwhal: Just tell her that it was a joke in poor taste and that you're sorry. Although if she read that, thought you were serious, and was okay with it... Maybe you shouldn't. Damn that was an incredibly depressing read.
Kelsig: Yea it was kind of a shock to think she believed it.
I'll talk to her about it tomorrow, doubt she's still awake.
| 3 | 3 | |
1391226502 | 1391294392 | t3_1wpb81 | t5_2to41 | 23 | No_Fruit_Juice: TIFU by having pictures of my 1 year old cousin pooping. (non-explicit)
So I am a newly 18 year old senior in high school. Wooo go me, and I had to print out a worksheet from my email. I ask my physics teacher to allow me to use his printer and the nice guy that he is he allows me, the document is on my email though. I log into my email print out my stuff and go on with my life. That is until I log into my email and I see a picture of him as my G+ profile pic ( I never use, G+ just have it because of gmail). It seems I have forgotten to log out and I giggled and looked at the picture he put up, only to see some pictures of my cousin. I did not remember ever taking those so I clicked on the album and lo and be hold some funny pictures I had taken of my little cousin a long time ago to send to his dad were on there. Yes he was pooping, no nothing inappropriate showed. It was just him sitting down on the toilet pooping and smiling and laughing. I freaked out a little because how do you think this looks. Anyway my physics teacher is a redditor so I sent him a message asking him what the profile picture said (he was holding up a sign of some sort and I could not read it) and told him how I found the pictures and deleted it thanks to him messing with my account. If he hadn't seen them now he knows. I totally fucked up and he probably thinks I am some weird ass pedo :( FUCK YOU GOOGLE and jacking shit and making me look so weird. Anyway... fuck me
MarcusWilliamsII: No, no. Google plus is great. It allows you to share your private data with the whole world, automatically, and without your knowledge. Stop resisting.
Racsos: where do i sign!
[deleted]: you already are!
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1391276025 | 1391315159 | t3_1wql2o | t5_2to41 | 3,798 | ntimmel: TIFU: I Accidentally Mocked My Fat Friend
Two friends on my Facebook list have near-identical names; they are literally only one letter off. Both are "Diana K..."
One is a fitness instructor at my gym; the other is an enormous person.
"It's Diana's birthday!" popped up in my feed, and getting confused and thinking it was the fitness instructor, I wrote: "Happy birthday! I'm going to eat pizza, cake, and all other sorts of garbage so I can be just like you today!"
Because, you know, fitness instructor.
Ha-ha.
A week later, "It's Diana's birthday!" popped up in my feed again, and noticing it was the fitness instructor I wrote, "How many birthdays do you have?"
Ten minutes later, it dawned on me...
Yup.
I felt like the world's biggest asshole.
gamep01nt: Is she still alive?
humanmanguy: That's dark, man.
DanteMH: And so is reddit.
[deleted]: Only when you turn Night Mode on in RES.
[deleted]: I never looked back when I switched to nightmode. The bright white screen gave me a headache.
MrMono1: But white text on black background is worse.
[deleted]: Really? I dunno, I love it, all the text stands out and it's so dark that I don't hurt my eyes.
| 8 | 474.75 | |
1391284806 | 1391304081 | t3_1wqyd8 | t5_2to41 | 70 | Patchoolible: Update: TIFU by leaving all my coursework on the train.
[* Here's my original post *](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1w1u8i/tifu_by_leaving_all_my_coursework_on_the_train/)
After I'd posted, my teacher emailed me back saying: "Hi X, oh dear! Students have always got them back pretty much. Keep phoning the main lost property office as well as maybe the other stations on the line."
The 'pretty much' got me so I felt like that grumpy cat meme, and the lost property office was shut over the weekend. I rang the central office on monday, and there was no sign of my sketchbook. On tuesday morning before I went into college to go start over on the last 5 months of work, I got a call from a station nearer me and it had been turned in :D
Thanks for all the supportive comments, and the [upvotes](http://www.everyjoe.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/arvind-mahankali-celebration.gif), I needed to be felt sorry for and you all did a great job making me feel better. I'll credit you all when I'm rich and famous, don't worry.
**TL;DR** You're lazy, but I got all my coursework back, and the moral of the story is to write your details on everything of value, and to not be a dipshit and leave your stuff on the train.
gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/UnkemptRipeAvians](http://gfycat.com/UnkemptRipeAvians)
---
^(GIF size: 6.00 MiB) ^| ^(GFY size:784.01 kiB) ^| [^(~ About)](http://www.reddit.com/r/gfycat/comments/1u5df2/made_a_gfy_bot_for_reddit_in_ruby_meet_ugfy_bot/)
ColtonT66: What is this?
_Hamburger_: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NXoR1YTHGN8
knaidel
| 4 | 17.5 | |
1391287981 | 1391371714 | t3_1wr3d6 | t5_2to41 | 270 | alittlelamb: TIFU by popping a cyst on my lady parts.
No throwaway because I have no shame.
For the past week I've had a cyst growing on my labia, and it has hurt like a birch. I went to the doctor to make sure I didn't have herpes or something, and she just told me to wait it out until it came to a head so I could drain it.
Well today it came to a head.
What did I do? I squeezed that fucker like my life depended on it, and fluid shot out of it at a hundred miles per hour and landed directly into my open mouth.
I got fucking vagina puss in my mouth.
Goddammit.
Brimshae: >No throwaway because I have no shame.
That's the spirit!
Also, ew, and at least you weren't eating Doritos (if you know that story).
Nazerr666: I am not familiar with the story. Enlighten me?
alexandriaweb: If you're smart this [link will stay blue](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/q5ikr/reddit_what_is_the_weirdestmost_fucked_up_thing/c3uynfu)
But it will answer your question.
Nazerr666: OH GOD, WHY?! I thought a year of reddit had prepared me, but I was WRONG!
alexandriaweb: You are not a smart person.
Nazerr666: Indeed.
| 7 | 38.571429 | |
1391282742 | 1391319587 | t3_1wqv3g | t5_2to41 | 69 | ahemdownwardspiral: TIFU by making fun of Down Syndrome in front of a pregnant co-worker
Throwaway because yeah - I fucked up.
I work at a very open company. Everyone considers each other family and likes to joke around a lot and have fun. Conversations in our pod often turn dark and moderately inappropriate - others usually join in. Friday was no different.
The conversation, for some reason, turned to counting to potato and firetruck. Down Syndrome gets brought up and it's an all out tirade of every inappropriate joke ever. A sampling:
- You're going down...potato
- You bring me down...firetruck
- What do you call a homeless retard? Down in the dumps
One of our other (pregnant) coworkers was sitting in our pod with us. About midway through this I get an IM from another coworker saying "dude, did you know that [other coworker] is having a downer?"
Except, I didn't get this IM until after work. The horribly insensitive, rude, and unprofessional conversation continued. I finally saw the IM last night at 10pm. I'm not sure what Monday brings, but it'll either be sensitivity training or a firing. I honestly couldn't sleep last night because I felt like such an absolute dick about what happened.
TL;DR I became unprofessional at work, mocked the mentally disabled, and made a complete ass out of myself without even knowing. Probably going to lose my job for that one.
Belgara: I'm not excusing it, but it doesn't sound like you were the only one making jokes. I'd hope other people involved got punished, too.
I'd suggest trying to contact her through email over the weekend. Explain that you had no idea about her baby - AND that you realize that not knowing is no excuse. Tell her what you told us - that you realize you were an absolute dick and feel horrible about it. Best thing you can do in the email is make no excuses for your behavior whatsoever. No idea what affect it'd have on your job, but trying to make some sort of amends will help you regardless.
At least you know you fucked up, and you've got the decency to feel bad about it. There are people out there that wouldn't even manage that. Whatever happens, I'm betting you won't make that mistake again.
BrooseWane: This isn't my opinion but some people might think he's only apologizing because he got caught, which isn't false. Do you think OP would have thought twice about the conversation if he didn't see the IM? I'm not trying to judge on TIFU, but if I made that mistake I would feel once insincere if I tried to apologize.
Belgara: No, he probably wouldn't have thought twice about it. But sometimes it takes something like getting caught being a douche to make you even realize you were being a douche and really ought to think about what you're saying.
As to OP being insincere in an apology, well, that's on him. It might be read as insincere, but only OP would know if it was true or not. I'm willing to be you might feel differently than you think if you got caught in a similar situation. Depends on if you truly realize you were in the wrong or not.
BrooseWane: Your first paragraph gave me a perspective I've never really seen. I've been in that situation a few times and I did apologize, but I also had no reason to apologize other than offending the other person. In this case OP potentially has a job to lose so his coworker might think he's only trying to save his ass.
Belgara: You're certainly not wrong - his coworker might well think he's just trying to save his own ass. The reception of it would depend on a few things - namely, the personalities of both the co-worker and OP, how well they know each other, and both the wording of and the intent behind the email. Words can be extremely powerful when used correctly (or for ill, for that matter), and could go a long way if OP's actually sincere. An offer to apologize again in person wouldn't go amiss, either. Unless OP's a fantastic liar or coworker lacks people reading skills, it's a lot easier to judge in person if someone's sincere or not.
It's quite possible none of this will save OP's job, and I'm honestly not suggesting he do any of this just to save his job. Perhaps I'm stupid, but I'm taking OP's word that he feels like a huge dick. Fired or not fired, my advice is more aimed at least an attempt to make amends.
BrooseWane: If an apology before Monday would prevent termination, obviously OP must apologize whether it be for personal gain, sincerity, or both. If nothing will change, I think it would be better to apologize after disciplinary action is taken. That way she knows he has nothing to gain other than her forgiveness. I also have no doubt that OP feels bad about this whole fiasco.
ahemdownwardspiral: Yes, I was/am a douchebag. Not that it's an excuse, but the entire company is more or less a giant HR violation. I can honestly say (again not excusing my behavior) I've witnessed far worse behavior.
I guess if nothing else this is a good wakeup call for myself and for the rest of the group.
| 8 | 8.625 | |
1391296114 | 1391400881 | t3_1wrfsh | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by posting a nude picture on snapchat
I was gonna send a naked picture as a joke to my friend, and I accidently double clicked on the bottom that asks if I want to add it on my snapchat timeline. Yup, and It did.
happyazngirl: You can delete snaps from your timeline.
Bagnag: This.
That_Deaf_Guy: Great contribution, the thread would be in chaos if it wasn't for you.
Hot_Biscuits_: This.
| 5 | 3.4 | |
1391300935 | 1391372340 | t3_1wrn10 | t5_2to41 | 28 | jzoobz: TIFU by eating an entire freezer pizza
It was an hour ago and my stomach stills hurts. I ate fast enough that I didn't realize that I was full until it was too late. I want to poop so badly but I can't. Really put a damper on my evening.
[deleted]: Grow a pair! I eat whole pizzas on the regular and I'm a girl!
ProPuke: A girl who's grown a pair! ..Wait..
dralcax: My mind is going places I never wanted it to.
| 4 | 7 | |
1391291634 | 1391437553 | t3_1wr8wk | t5_2to41 | 113 | tifff420: TIFU by accidentally watching hardcore porn with my boss.
I have a boring weekend job dispatching taxis. It's overnight in a pretty upscale suburban neighborhood, so there aren't many phone calls after like 10pm. I usually just bring my laptop to work and watch Netflix or disappear into reddit. Last night I was off, so my husband and I had a date night. Things got pretty intense and before I knew it we had the laptop hooked up to the tv watching some really graphic bdsm/gangbang type porn while we were fluffing for maritals. After we were done it was really late (we were also REALLY wasted) and I guess we just closed the laptop and passed out. So today we were out running errands and didn't even touch the computer until I packed it up to go to work. My boss (a 60 year old Italian immigrant) was in the office when I got there and we were having a casual conversation about work while I was setting up my laptop. I put in my password to unlock it and low and behold, a video of like 10-12 guys jerking off onto a smiling fat girl starts to play at full volume. In a panic I quickly closed the tab (not chrome, just the tab), and the next tab was a redtube search for "bukkake gangbang" complete with a full view of thumbnails. Needless to say my boss nearly fainted. Thankfully I had already put in two weeks notice and tomorrow is my last day.
TL;DR Forgot to close porn after a drunken night, opened laptop at work to reveal my bdsm fetish to my old ass boss.
SilentScience: Honestly, I read that as Hardcore Pawn and thought to myself: "Why is that so bad?"
davy_crockett: Did you really? How long did this thought last? Was it really necessary to share this with everyone?
[deleted]: I dunno man, I was just really interested by his comment. It made me really rethink my priorities in life, such as reading comprehension.
tifff420: I'm actually a lady.
[deleted]: You are still a woMAN.
| 6 | 18.833333 | |
1391286608 | 1391336013 | t3_1wr17y | t5_2to41 | 21 | PleaseLoveMeMeg: TIFU by being an insensitive asshole
(Didn't happen today but I still fucked up) So a while ago I was over at my friends house (we'll call him John) for a little get together. John has a younger brother who has autism and spends the day in a room randomly clicking any video in the suggestions on YouTube. He also makes loud noises and screams very often. We've been over at Johns house lots of times before so we all know about his brothers autism and knew to be sensitive about it because the family have a tough time taking care of him. So we were all in the front room playing PlayStation and a few of the lads were on Omegle. They eventually found a REALLY good looking girl our age who was from Spain but had really good English. They had a very civilised chat about the differences between life here and there was a bit of pathetic flirting and I was across the room playing the PlayStation. Everything went quiet for a second and I heard a noise that didn't even seem human. I thought it was the Spanish girl on Omegle and I laughed and said "what the actual fuck was that". All of my friends looked at Mr with blank expressions except for John who just sort of looked into his lap. I didn't realise that it was his autistic brother who had just been quiet for a while until the next day when my friends told me that John was pretty upset about it. I still feel really shitty about it.
TL;DR Offended my best friend by accidentally mocking his autistic little brother
lavenderfox: Apologize to your friend, say you thought the girl made that noise and you would never make fun of his brother. It was an accident, not like actual, hateful mocking.
PleaseLoveMeMeg: Oh I have many times already and he's forgiven me, so we're all good
| 3 | 7 | |
1391311080 | 1391447368 | t3_1ws1i7 | t5_2to41 | 87 | BBQasaurus: TIFU by charging face-first into my roommate while naked.
tl;dr: I ran face-first into my roommate while naked, embarrassing the shit out of both of us. Holy shit.
**Some background:**
Today was the first day my town has been active after a huge ice-storm hit our area earlier this week. It was my first day back at work at an Italian restaurant and we were slammed. Balls to the wall, hot as shit in the kitchen, twelve-hour day. Everyone was downtown tonight after being cooped up at home all week, and we were feeling their fury.
**The fuckup:**
I live with two other dudes, one of which was guaranteed to not be home. I had just spoken with him and he was out and about watching the UFC fights, and wouldn't be home for three or four hours. The other is **never** home. Quite literally, he has stayed here twice since we all moved in back in September. Two nights out of several months pretty much guaranteed that I'd be alone tonight.
I got home about half an hour ago and immediately began undressing since no one was here. My plan was to throw my dirty chef coat, chef pants, socks, underwear, and a few other articles of clothing that had collected throughout the week directly into the washing machine, and then to hop in the shower. I got as far as getting naked and putting my stuff into the washer, but then I came into the living room where my phone was so I could play music while I was in the shower. I had a couple texts so I sat down on the couch to reply to them when all of the sudden the front door opened and there stood my typically-absent roommate, mouth agape and eyes wide, surprised by my wangle-dangle dangling in all its glory. I quickly cupped my nuts and bolts while he walked silently out of view, down the hallway toward his room. As soon as I heard his door shut, I jumped up and ran down the hall toward my room. Unbeknownst to me, he didn't go to his room. He made a pit-stop at the laundry. The closing door I thought I'd heard was him checking the washing machine, not his bedroom door. As I rounded the corner, he was coming the opposite way. Our chests touched for the briefest possible moment, followed by his disgusted recoil and an exclamatory "What in the FUCK?!"
I may never live down this embarrassment.
LiquidxSnake: Dude, you guys aren't bro anymore. Bromos now, you can never go back.
[deleted]: ["Hey bro, can you drive me to the grocery store? Need to pick a few things up"](http://i.imgur.com/DcwMvts.jpg)
andylawa42: What.
| 4 | 21.75 | |
1391292107 | 1391318228 | t3_1wr9n1 | t5_2to41 | 39 | TravisL: TIFU by cooking jalapeño poppers
First off, I love spicy foods. A little while ago I decided "Hey, I'm gonna make some bomb-ass bacon wrapped jalapeño poppers." After getting everything together, I looked for some gloves to wear to prepare the peppers. Well shit, no gloves, fuck it I'm hungry. I begin to slice and prepare the peppers, unknowingly sealing my fate. Once I had them all sliced and de-seeded I finished making them and left them in the fridge for the next day. Once I get into bed, is where I fucked up. Decided to have a good old fashioned fap. Failing to have remembered to wash my hands, a slight tingling at first led to an apocalyptic burning on my shaft from my pepper marinated hands. I went downstairs with my fiery member and to no avail, cold water only left me with a wet dong that resembled a sunburned dachshund. Never again.
AreYouASurfer: I got Srirachi in my peehole once.
After an hour or so I stopped crying and rolling on the floor. I think there's scar tissue in there now
ABRAXIS228: hnnngngggg
| 3 | 13 | |
1391309841 | 1391403283 | t3_1wrzrv | t5_2to41 | 27 | WHY_DID_I_FUCK_UP: TIFU by not going to the movie with her
TIFU by not going to a movie with this girl. After a pretty big meet today, we all celebrated by going to a restaurant together as a team. As the meal closed, she went up and jokingly asked if anyone wanted to see a movie with them. Me being myself, I jokingly said I would like to come. She said in a serious voice that you can come if you want to, at first I said no because I was joking. Later, they asked me again and I said sure, but I don't have any money. They then said they would pay for me. they were making sure I would like to come and kept saying yes. They had already paid for their food and said they were going to wait outside. I had to wait for the waiter to pay for the food, I told them it'd be a while til' I get out of here and pay and told them to go the movie, they were insistent that I go and told them no it's fine and they left. The biggest part was that I had a crush on her, and I let them go to the movie because it'd take me a while and they'd end up being late to the movie....
tl;dr - please, if a girl is insistent and they are willing to pay for you. Just go, you won't end up kicking your own ass because you didn't go to the movie.
Figaroooo: I've done the exact opposite- I went to the movies with a girl who apparently didn't actually want me there.
It was weird, because she asked me to go..
[deleted]: Dafuq? Why would she ask you to go if she didn't want you there?!
AppleSponge: Women.
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1391328593 | 1391463602 | t3_1wslzg | t5_2to41 | 171 | soomanyregrets: TIFU by being screwed by genetics then making a mistake
Throw away because of obvious reasons..
So, as a bit of back story, I'm a fairly large guy (6'5", 270ish lbs) who really got screwed over in the dick department. Always been a source of embarrassment but it's rare anyone sees it unless i mean for them to. Both my roommate and I are gay but not in a relationship with each other.
So tonight, my roommate tells me he's going out on a date with his boyfriend, no big deal, saves me from cooking dinner for two. Hop in the shower after he leaves and generally I always bring my clothes into the bathroom with me, force of habit. My cat, being the pain in the ass she tends to be, jumps in the bathroom with me (she likes to run into the shower, get wet, then act pissed off) but instead of doing her normal thing, she knocked a bunch of stuff off the shelves onto my clothes, one of which was powder, it went *everywhere*. Since i knew my roommate was out I said fuck it, went out to get a new set of clothes.
Apparently my roommate's boyfriend was being a drama queen and decided not to actually go out on the date because of a fight or some random thing, so as I slink out of the bathroom, there's my roommate, on his phone, in front of the TV. Normally the first impulse of someone who is embarrassed of being naked would be to cover their shame, but no, my brain decided the best course of action would be to completely freeze like a deer in headlights.
So here I am, completely naked, standing maybe 6 feet away from my roommate and he just loses it, I mean, completely fucking loses it, laughing. He keeps laughing until he's red in the face and he can't breathe, I'm surprised he doesn't piss himself he's laughing so hard. My inability to move passes and I cover myself and run to my room to get changed, walk back out and even in his extreme fit of laughter he managed to snap a picture on his phone to send to his boyfriend. He's still on the phone, his boyfriend on speaker, both of them still laughing and I just walked back in my room to post this before finding a hole to go die in. I was Hoping I'd never have to post on tifu, but here I am.
tl;dr: tiny dick, accidentally naked in front of gay roommate, pictures already spreading.
chalkchick0: The biggest dick in this story is your room mate. Accidental exposure does *not* give him the right to laugh and sure as heck doesn't give him the right to click and send your pic. Penis size doesn't matter but maturity level does. **He** is the little prick here, not the one in (or out of) your pants. Need to talk to your other roomy about kicking this *child* out.
soomanyregrets: The laughing was hurtful but I've dealt with that a million times before. The picture though, fuck, you'd think after living with someone for 7 years they wouldn't so drastically become a complete douche over something so... so.. uh, there's no good word to use here that isn't a pun.
chalkchick0: As an older woman, who has been there, I can tell you, size is of *no importance whatsoever.* The ability to please your partner is all about willingness, enthusiasm, and how you feel about your partner. Your roommate is untrustworthy and has committed a completely unacceptable betrayal of you. You need to find a way to get this person out of your life. You also need to stop worrying about size. The only people who worry about size are the people we used to call "size queens". As a gay person you must know that size queens are just whores, not potential mates. One who loves you will **NOT** care about the size of your equipment, only the size of your heart.
MissRepresentation: Definitely disagree. Size is definitely important. I feel much more pleasure from a 7 inch dick than a 4 inch dick. Judging from studies done on women's preferences to penis size, women have a preference to larger penises. It is definitely incorrect to say size is of no importance whatsoever and is doing a disservice to both men and women. Preferring larger penises in no way makes you a "whore" who doesn't deserve to be in a relationship. And like it or not, but a penis that is too small (or too large) is definitely a valid reason to end a relationship.
Sorry to break the jerk here. Obviously, what OP's roommate did was wrong, but in no way does size have no importance whatsoever, and in no way does preferring larger penises make you a whore.
chalkchick0: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kegel_exercise
MissRepresentation: I do Kegels every day and that doesn't change the fact that a 7 inch penis is more pleasurable than a 4 inch penis for me.
chalkchick0: A quote from your own comments."Well, you have the most important thing down: having a boyfriend who is caring and loving." You need to get your stories straight. Either the most important thing is a big dick or a big heart. Make your mind up.
MissRepresentation: Uh, what? I never said the "most important thing" is a big dick, because it most definitely is not. I'm saying it matters, because it does matter, it just isn't the most important thing. Also, I find it a bit creepy that you're going through my comment history...
chalkchick0: You have every right to edit which of your comments or posts can be seen by other users, who visit your user/home page, simply by putting them in "hidden" or delete. All blue print, including user's names, are links. If you don't want others to see your comments or posts put them in hide. If you think people who visit your user page are "creepy" you probably shouldn't be using a social media site which allows such visits as a matter of course. Have a good day.
MissRepresentation: I sure do have the right to hide my posts, and I also sure do have the right to call you creepy for browsing my post history. It's cool how reddit works, isn't it?
| 11 | 15.545455 | |
1391337957 | 1391353911 | t3_1wsspy | t5_2to41 | 8 | Grillade: TIFU by not taking a photo with my childhood crush
I JUST came back from the cinemas, with my childhood crush.
I immediately knew I fucked up, that's why I came here.
Plus she's the **first** girl I ever picked up with a car.
We had a good time. With the Chinese new year festive season the movies were so packed but thankfully we got good seats.
But that's not the point here.
I don't have a physical memento of today. No photo.
I don't even have the movie tickets with me. She has them ....
First, we bought the tickets. Then since we still had time before the movie starts I decided to sit down and have a chat with her. We only had like 40 minutes before the movie starts.
After chatting so long I realized this is my chance to get a photo taken, I took out my phone, asking what phone she's currently using cause she lost her phone to robbers months ago. I thought this was my chance, but then she kept on going about how she got robbed and I can't allow myself to stop the topic as I find it is actually a sensitive matter, plus I wanted to know more too. So I lost my chance. Then we had to quickly go back to the cinema and buy popcorn & drinks LAST MINUTE, and proceeded into the halls.
After the movie, I was thinking: *you know what? I'll just stop in front of her house later, then take a photo together before I drop her off. Okay sounds like a perfect plan.* We had to rush because she's going off to her grandma's place for dinner later and we're a little late.
HERE COMES THE SHITTY PART.
We arrived in front of her doorstep....................... HOLY SHITS HER FAMILY ARE ALL OUTSIDE WAITING FOR HER ! FUCK THIS.
I can't take a photo with all her family outside the house waiting, I'll look like a dumb fuck. Seriously.
I left the scene, **crushed inside.**
So here I am, ranting out to you guys. Seeking comfort. :'(
Sigh.
I still like her, deep down. ^cries
**TL;DR:** Went to cinema with girl I loved since young, spent a good time together, but NO FUCKING PHOTO OF US.
rainbowplethora: Why do you need a photo so much? Are you never going to see her again?
Grillade: I actually will see her again. I just wanted a picture of us so badly. Sigh.
tilsitforthenommage: Damn son, you are going to let that sour the whole experience?
| 4 | 2 | |
1391343337 | 1391371052 | t3_1wswfq | t5_2to41 | 492 | Disaresta51: TIFU by being a disgustingly perverted friend
**BACKSTORY:** This was about three years ago and recently something brought this back to the surface of my mind. At this time I was a 21 year old male and my friend at the time was a 22 year old female who we will call 'Summer'. In a very short amount of time we became extremely close and I did fall for her. After doing something very stupid to her we never spoke again. Until yesterday.
**REAL STORY:**So on this particular day everything was right in the world. It was about noonish and we were supposed to go hang out and do whatever it was we did. Or in this case didn't wind up doing. I went over to her house to pick her up(as planned, no surprise visit or anything) and she answered her door still in pajamas. She explained that she just got out of the shower so she still needed to put on actual clothes for going out.
Okay, cool. No big deal. She gave me a hug and asked me to wait. She is a small person and was wearing a zipup hoodie 2 sizes too big for her. It wasn't exactly zipped up all the way and she's shorter than me. So inadvertently I wound up looking at her breast since she didn't have bra on. She did not notice that I saw and that's when I began my fuck up.
Instead of just taking a mental snapshot and waiting on the bed(This was a studio type of apartment) I decided it would be a GREAT opportunity to *flirt*. I believe my words were "Huh...Those are really nice." She was a bit confused at first until she realized what I was talking about and where I was looking. She started blushing profusely and didn't look at me. She didn't say anything and just stood there really embarrassed.
I realized that it probably wasn't a smart thing so I apologized right there on the spot. She still didn't say anything or look at me. She's always been a shy type of person and self conscious about herself. *I* in my stupidly young mind couldn't quite figure out what to do next. And then it hit me. And this is where it all went to hell.
I wanted to fix her embarrassment by embarrassing myself. My dumb idiot self thought it was a FANTASTIC idea to drop my pants and pull down my boxers and shout "Hey look at me! It's fine Summer! Now you've seen me and I'm not comfortable with this either!!!" and some other nonsense like that.
She briefly looked and all the blood drained from her face. There wasn't anymore blushing or anything like that. She just stood there white as a ghost. Summer walked over to the bed and laid down in the fetal position hugging herself. I have never witnessed a sadder sight. And it was even worse to know that I was the cause of it.
I pulled my pants back up and started to call her name but she told me to stop talking. I walked towards her and it was told "DON'T". So I did exactly that and froze in my tracks. I really didn't know what to do at this point. I thought it was supposed to be kinda funny and at the most just get slapped. I apologized some more and asked her if she wanted me to leave. She was still laying there and began to cry. Summer never looked at me and she stopped answering. I took that as an understandably sign to get the fuck out of her house.
The next day I tried to call but she didn't answer. I texted her apologies using as many synonyms for the word that I could find in a thesaurus. I tried a few more times over the course of a few weeks and one day she did say that it was "okay". Even still we never hung out or spoke again after that.
I never regretted a moment in my life and much as that one. I not only lost what I felt was my best friend but I did it by making her cry. I disgusted her beyond belief and I can't even fathom what the hell made me think that was a good idea in the first place. It wasn't funny as I was expecting and instead was just depressing. I was the cause of it.
**TL;DR** I showed my penis in an already uncomfortable and unpleasant situation which caused my best friend to never speak to me again.
coasts: here's to taking chances. i don't think you did anything wrong, or at least nothing i haven't done myself.
IntrinsicSurgeon: He unintentionally humiliated this girl and then exposed himself to her. That's something you've done?
coasts: you can see it that way...or you can see that he saw an opportunity to advance the relationship, took action, and when it didn't go as planned, tried to even things out. it was a risk, but the reward was apparently worth it.
IntrinsicSurgeon: I'm gonna just hope you're a troll. Whipping your dick out is never a way to advance a relationship.
coasts: I'm gonna guess you're a virgin.
IntrinsicSurgeon: Nah, but I'm gonna guess you're 14.
coasts: Late thirties and married. So it goes!
| 8 | 61.5 | |
1391314801 | 1391481800 | t3_1ws6nw | t5_2to41 | 32 | highfivemyself: TIFU by almost setting my house on fire.
I got dinner started in a crockpot and then pushed it to the back of the stove where my toddler couldn't reach it, unknowingly bumping the knobby-thingy and turning on the back burner. I put my kid down for a nap and started working on other housework when I smelled something terrible. I walked into the kitchen and saw smoke pouring from beneath the crockpot. Plastic that had melted onto the burner caught fire, and I had no idea how to put it out and was starting to panic, so I just blew on it at first. Luckily, it's a ceramic cook top and the fire burned out quickly after I removed the combustible materials.
Often I take a shower while my kid naps, and I'm SO happy I didn't this time because I would've been undressed when I figured it out and it would've been a much bigger fire!
[deleted]: I have 6 fire extinguishers in the house and garage. They don't look ugly if you mount them out of sight, on blind wall corners, etc. I also keep one under the kitchen sink, unobstructed.
Fire spreads fucking fast. You typically have less than 2 minutes to use an extinguisher after fire breaks out, before the house is filled with smoke and flames, then its lost and you must evacuate.
Edit: free smoke detectors are available for poor people.
highfivemyself: Yeah, immediately afterward I added fire extinguishers to the shopping list. We are first time home owners and meant to buy some when we moved in, then just forgot. I feel like such an idiot for not having them already.
[deleted]: C0 detectors too. Check out the brand new wifi smart products at home depot. If ur alarm goes off it calls ur cell phone.
highfivemyself: Thanks, I will!
mgearliosus: If you have a decent budget, look at the [Nest Protect.](https://nest.com/smoke-co-alarm/life-with-nest-protect/)
highfivemyself: That looks awesome. Can anyone tell me if a CO detector is needed if the house is all electric?
mgearliosus: It never hurts to have a CO Detector but they aren't as important as they would be in a natural gas house.
Randoms stuff still has the possibility to emit CO and it might wake up up before the smoke detector goes off or something.
| 8 | 4 | |
1391366553 | 1391398968 | t3_1wtnnn | t5_2to41 | 1,140 | [deleted]: TIFU Because I Sharted Myself LOUD In Church Today
Today, while I was in church, while the sermon was being given, I felt the urge to fart, it felt more like a fart than what it was, a shart. I thought I could just let it out quietly without anyone hearing
I was wrong...
**ruined underwear wrong**
I tried to let it out slowly, but the gas just all rushed out and it made a loud **PPPPPPLPPLPLPLPFFFFFFFFF** sort of sound. Our church kind of echoes sound **quite easily** and people were staring at me and chucking, I tried to act like nothing happened, but they knew.
It was a real wet one, I thought about just waiting until the end of the sermon but I thought it'd be best to excuse myself home. Oh, but the insanity doesn't end there, **wet shit started to run down my leg and onto the floor as I was walking out**
People noticed and laughed even more, **Today I fucked my shit big time**
i_jump_wakes: You say a lot of cuss words for a church goer
spacepuppy69: That's pretty ridiculous. Why wouldn't someone swear just because they go to church, especially an atheist in church?
i_jump_wakes: Why would an atheist go to church
spacepuppy69: Okay... Obviously, you can't read. Whatever.
Tell me. Why can't a Christian swear? Er, sorry- a "church goer".
i_jump_wakes: If you don't know the answer to that you are truly stupid
spacepuppy69: No, that's obviously you, you worthless troll. If you're trying to imply that there's in the Bible about swearing, you're fucking ignorant.
i_jump_wakes: This is funny enough that I laughed more than just a short breath of air from my nostrils. You're a theology expert obviously
spacepuppy69: Nope. Just a smart dude that thinks Christianity is a hypocritical, bullshit cult. Of course, unlike most of you idiots, I've read your Book. I doubt you can say the same, though; and that's okay. Not everyone can.
your_neighborhood_tr: here. dont argue with me, the proof is below. now go on to bed you have school in the morning
Colossians 3:8
James 3:10
Ephesians 5:4
spacepuppy69: " But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth." Are you talknig about "obcene" talk? Er, sorry- that's a matter of opinion.
" Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be." What? How is swearing the same as cursing someone? Oh wait- you don't know a difference! That's rpetty *fucking* ignorant. Saying "I took a shit" isn't cursing someone, sorry.
"and there must be no filthiness and silly talk, or coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks." This literally says that you should say nothing unless you're giving thanks. Can't argue that, it's just all around bullshit.
This is ignoring the obvious fact that current swear words weren't even *fucking* thought of in biblical times, but how would I know that? Obviously, I;m a child for thinking you're all a bunch of *god damned* *shitheads* (there! *THAT* was blasphemic, you got one!) Go home, you worthless hypocrite.
Oh sorry, to be as mature as you- Go back to your mother's basemtn couch to eat cheetos and watch porn while you cry over your utter lack of life.
your_neighborhood_tr: you said it wasnt in the bible. its in the bible. the fight's over I won.
spacepuppy69: Oh you mean that last one? Yeah, I guess you were right! That's the wonder of the bible's hypocrisy, isn't it?
your_neighborhood_tr: youre angry. possibly depressed with ocd also.
spacepuppy69: I have no clue how you think that's relevant or insulting, but alrighty.
| 15 | 76 | |
1391369103 | 1391422897 | t3_1wts1n | t5_2to41 | 1,410 | farters_friend: TIFU by laughing at a fart. A man nearly died.
I was at the bus stop with my friend today, telling her about how much I loved Pacific Rim, and how she needs to watch it and she's going to love it because it's the best. Midway through my rant, she told me "Hold on," then looked straight forward, scrunched up her face, and farted.
It was the most inexplicably hilarious thing I've ever seen, and I thought I was going to die laughing. Much to my surprise, this made the man standing in front of me explode with anger.
"Stop laughin' at me! I can hear you! I know I walk funny, but that ain't my fault! It ain't my fault!!"
Apparently, he thought I was laughing at his limp, and stormed the fuck out of there, into the street. That's when the bus came. He jumped out of the way, but just another millisecond and he would've gotten destroyed.
I tried to explain that I was only laughing because my friend let a toot, but he was hearing none of it.
RacG79: I fell like everyone fucked up that one. And you did the least amount of fucking up. Who could help laughing at a fart like that?
e.g.
TIFU by farting and making my friend laugh. A man nearly died.
TIFU by yelling at a man who was laughing. I nearly died.
buzzbya: TIFU by almost running over a cripple while driving my bus.
RuncibleSpoon18: TIFU by working today and nearly being steered into a man.
[deleted]: TYAIFU (Twenty Years Ago I Fucked Up) by paving a road.
44Cobra44: TYAIFU by making asphalt.
Slenderauss: FPFBYATUFU (Four Point Five Billion Years Ago The Universe Fucked Up) by forming earth.
| 7 | 201.428571 | |
1391368683 | 1391405238 | t3_1wtrdg | t5_2to41 | 93 | poltermann: TIFU by opening a beer bottle
It's a nice sunday evening and I think it's a good time for a beer. So I grab a bottle of the cool, amber nectar. So where's the opener? No opener here, no opener there. And also I dont wanna use the edge of the furniture because that could leave ugly marks. But wait... there are people who open beer bottles with their teeth! Yeah right, I have seen them do that. Who needs an opener anyway? I'm gonna open it with my teeth. What could possibly go wrong?.... .... .... *crack* POLTERMANN!! YOU'RE A GODDAMN MORON! HOW COULD YOU DUMFUCK NOT THINK OF THIS?? Awesome. Now you have to see the dentist tomorrow. Awesome.
TL;DR Abused teeth as bottle opener, gotta see dentist tomorrow.
Edit: I know how to open a beer with other things than openers. But my teeth seemed the quickest way in that situation and I wanted to try. So that's why I did.
Timeyy: Opening a beer with your teeth is a secret art. Some of my friends can open a beer instantly with their teeth. Like way faster than using any other method.
I myself can't even open a beer with a lighter...
Archdemonic: [We have a winner!](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V85wleqv8zI)
Zecin: That's cool, but also a twist-off cap.
[deleted]: A pre opened twist off...
| 5 | 18.6 | |
1391376701 | 1391389949 | t3_1wu4x5 | t5_2to41 | 13 | linxmau09: Guys I fucked up really badly.
littlestlaura: I don't know your dad, but are you sure that there's a chance you'll be sent back after the trouble(?) it took to get you to the US? Is it an empty threat? If your dad normally looks after your wellbeing, I have no doubt that you will be just fine.
linxmau09: He's actually been talking about it a lot. Ever since my older brother invited his girlfriend over when he was home alone and her car was towed (we live in an apartment). So both of us have lost our parents trust and I'm pretty sure this is gonna be the straw that breaks the camels back.
littlestlaura: But...but...there are girls in Mexico too. It's not like you're doing drugs or are involved in criminal activity. Give an update when you know what's going on, ok?
ThatOneFace: Actually, sending underage nudes IS criminal activity.
littlestlaura: Shhh I knew that, was trying to make the kid feel better. I guess what I mean is, he did no harm to anyone.
linxmau09: Thanks
| 7 | 1.857143 | |
1391377866 | 1391408693 | t3_1wu6x8 | t5_2to41 | 318 | fiery-vagina: TIFU and NSFW: I come to you today to explain how I started a fire in my fiancee's vagina
We were cooking earlier, trying to make a lot of deliciousness for the game today. Everything goes well with the chili and the chicken wings. Then came the jalapeno poppers (some of you may already know where this is going). This of course involves cutting and cleaning the jalapenos so as to not make my fiance cry from the heat. Things go fairly smoothly apart from some juice being shot in my eye. Surprisingly it didn't hurt that bad, but I digress. Okay, so the peppers have been cut in half and cleaned out thoroughly. We wash our hands vigorously and clean up some of the kitchen when suddenly she bends over slightly exposing her rear. Yoga pants are just not fair when it comes to trying to keep your composure. I decide to get a little frisky and end up jumping her. We're making out all the way back to the bedroom shedding clothes next to the bed.
I quickly start going at it, remembering the jalapenos and not touching either my dick or her vagina, but then we remember that we're out of tissues and it would just be cleaner and easier if I throw on a condom. I do my business and get right back to her business. The condom was banana flavored (this is slightly important I promise). We change positions a few times, and I get into a position where I have access to her vagina with my right hand. I begin rubbing her clit and she joins me. We're having great fun, and eventually we finish. At this point she starts to feel something odd. She asks if we've used that type of condom before, we had.
Suddenly it hits her... The jalapenos... Not only were we rubbing the outside of her vagina, but I also grabbed the condom before reinserting myself. So basically I'm sitting here typing this while she is in the shower rinsing and wiping everything she can. She even asked for a glass of milk to use on the outer parts.
TLDR; Cut and cleaned jalapenos for the Super Bowl today, and then had sex. Some of the capzasin got onto the condom and her clitoris, and she ran to the shower screaming that her vagina was on fire.
SageReddit: That's one way to spice up your sex life!
[deleted]: I guess you could say that things got pretty *hot*
Lakonthegreat: Huehuehuehuehuehuehue
| 4 | 79.5 | |
1391377864 | 1391558901 | t3_1wu6x4 | t5_2to41 | 8 | Seveness: TIFU by triggering my girlfriend, a survivor of sexual assault
short version because going into detail isn't something I want to do: College student here, lying with my gf on her bed and having a good time, I start petting her, she says that she doesn't want to do that right now, doesn't know when her roommate will get back/has homework/etc. I stop but then start again a few minutes later. this continues for a while until eventually I start really going at it and she starts crying. Immediately stop and just hold her for a while, then she asks me to give her some time. 10 minutes later she meets me in the lobby and we go hang out with some friends.
**how the fuck could you do that:** I honestly don't know. I guess the real answer is a) I'm an asshole and b) hormones. I thought she might have changed her mind or something? Or that I could change it for her? (yes I know that makes me sound like a rapist) That maybe she would enjoy just a tease? (not really, I wasn't intending to stop)
**the worst part:** This has happened before (her breaking down in the middle of the act). However only the first time we did it (I knew her history then). I immediately stopped. Since then she's always enjoyed it, or I've stopped (and didn't start again) when she asked. Anyways we've been on rocky straits recently but the night before this happened she slept with me in only panties for the first time in a while. After this happened she did so *again*. So I don't think she even realizes that it was my fault she was brought back to that day (may seem weird to assume that I did without any hard evidence/her say so, but I don't see what else could have done it).
**why I'm posting this:** Not looking for people to assure me I didn't do anything wrong (not attacking me would be nice too), just want to get my thoughts out there more concretely, so I don't ever forget this again.
in conclusion, fuck me.
Archdemonic: I don't think you really did anything wrong, but maybe consider getting someone with less **baggage**, you don't **deserve it.**
Seveness: Maybe **shut the fuck up what the fuck you asshole**
Nintenzo: Maybe don't post your problems on here if you don't want people trying to help you out of the situation you're in.
Seveness: Maybe don't talk shit about my girlfriend if you want to help me.
zugtug: Why would you even post this if you were afraid of differing opinions...
Seveness: I'm not afraid, I'm defending someone important to me against unsupported criticism.
zugtug: But... if you were that concerned about the criticism, why the HELL would you post it on Reddit? Actually, why would you post something like this on Reddit in the first place on THIS particular subreddit? It's not for advice. It's not known for compassion. It's not known for much more than "I shit my pants today". You're an idiot. If you don't wanna hear stuff like this, post it on the right damn subreddit. Jackass.
Edit: Yes I see your little note at the end of your post, but really? Posting this on this subreddit is like posting about how much you love religion on r/atheism...
Seveness: > But... if you were that concerned about the criticism, why the HELL would you post it on Reddit?
I said *unsupported* criticism. If someone had raised a valid point I would have considered it.
>You're an idiot. If you don't wanna hear stuff like this, post it on the right damn subreddit. Jackass.
You sound upset, do you wanna talk about it? Barista put two creamers in your coffee instead of one? I understand, life can be tough sometimes.
> Edit: Yes I see your little note at the end of your post, but really?
Yes, really. Believe it or not I care more about her than what you think of me.
| 9 | 0.888889 | |
1391349719 | 1391381919 | t3_1wt1k1 | t5_2to41 | 56 | bmoriarty87: TIFU: I fell over four rows of people 30 seconds into the Red Hot Chili Peppers
I won tickets to see the Red Hot Chili Peppers last night. I went down with my friend who I don't get to hang out with often. Chili Peppers come out, I rock out a little too hard and end up tumbling down four rows of people.
My friend got me to go back to watch the show despite my embarrassment. When I went to go use the bathroom, I fell again.
Fuck the Barclays Center.
TruckerTimmah: My friend you are not alone.
I have a balance problem and the sloped floors in movie theaters fuck with me big time. I had an incident like this once, I fell from the very top of a set of bleachers, rolled over everyone on the way down and ended up on the astroturf.
bmoriarty87: Thank you. Im so embarrassed.
TruckerTimmah: At least no one was dented, or badly damaged. I've had my share of "oh shit" moments... like falling out of the driver's seat of a tractor trailer and landing ass first on the ground (missed the footing on the first step)
I've also slipped on ice inside of a semitrailer and bashed my head on the concrete ground after falling out of the trailer.
Oh, what fun it is!
bmoriarty87: Thank you so much
| 5 | 11.2 | |
1391395937 | 1391406341 | t3_1wuy24 | t5_2to41 | -3 | linxmau09: TIFU by being a horny teenager.
(REPOSTED BECAUSE IT GOT DELETED)
So I'm 16 years old. I'm Mexican but live in Austin, Texas. My family and I came here mostly because of the current situation in Mexico and because my parents wanted a better learning experience for my brothers and I. Anyway, I have a girlfriend, H. she's also 16 and she's from here. Over the last few weeks, we started sending nudes. We were careful about deleting them right after but I guess she forgot to the last time we did because, as it turns out, her parents went through her phone last night while she was asleep and found the pictures. This morning my mom got a call from H's mom telling her everything about it. H's phone is currently being toasted in her fireplace and my parents are going through my phone very carefully, even though I deleted every picture. Guys, what I'm worried about the most is having my dad send me back to Mexico. Or even worse, send my whole family back. I have no friends in Mexico and I hate my school there. But the worst is how dangerous it is. I really don't want to leave all of my friends behind. I'm fucking scared, guys. I'm crying and I don't know what to do.
footpen3: pussy
FiddlerOnThePotato: Don't be an asshole.
[deleted]: He's not, he just said that he's a pussy
| 4 | -0.75 | |
1391396495 | 1391398694 | t3_1wuz0w | t5_2to41 | 2 | wikthis: TIFU by liking my friend.
This has been going on over the past 6 months, just for context.
A little bit of background for y'all. Basically I had a friend that I have liked for a long time, we will call her M. Her and I have been great friends and have always been extremely close.
Later on she started dating a mutual friend of ours, B.
Part 1 of my fuck up is that one day M and I were hanging out and we kissed. Not a big deal expect the fact that she had a boyfriend. For a little while this continued just kissing every now again, but I took it as she liked me back so I tried to see how far I could get. Well some boundaries were crossed that night.
The biggest part of the fuck up is that one day B and I were hanging out and we both got a little drunk. I ended up telling him that M and I had kissed. He wasn't mad or anything then. For a little while it didn't seem like it had effected anything. Then he started getting really passive agressive whenever M and I would hang out. It eventually evolved into him slowly trying to cut communications between M and I.
The most recent part of my fuck up was that on New Years I asked M to be my New Years Kissed, she respectfully declined. This wasn't a big deal but was the last time anything like that was brought up.
Earlier tonight M and B were hanging out for the Super Bowl, and that topic was brought up and it slipped that I asked. I have no idea how he is going to react tomorrow, but I know it isn't going to be good.
Reddit, I have really fucked up. Also, No throwaway because I really don't care.
Update: B got pissed at me and chewed me out. He told me to stop talking to her and I agreed. Hopefully I can try and fix any damage I have done with B, because I really don't want to lose him, or any of the other people I hang out with in the group besides B.
Biglooneytic: haha awesome, good luck with that one.
wikthis: Thanks, I am going to need all the luck I can get
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1391395190 | 1391400468 | t3_1wuwu2 | t5_2to41 | 12 | immcatulate: TIFU by cracking a wall at work.
Just an hour ago, I was working in a grocery store. I work in the produce section.
I spot an empty pallet that usually holds boxes of 50lb potatoes that are at the entrance to the produce cooler. Oh shit, I gotta go replace it with a full one.
So I run to the back, grab the brand new powerjack, and lift up the new pallet, and happily head out at full speed. It's nice since I can easily keep my quick pace with the machine.
Once I arrive at the empty one, I drag it out of the way. I merrily sticker all the boxes, and prepare to guide it gently into place.
Forgetting how powerful this new powerjack is, I push the button halfway, and i'm jerked forward as the 7 foot tall stack smashes into the wall.
Oh god oh god oh god. And it's not even well aligned.
There's a lovely large crack in the wall that i'm facing, and when I check the entrance frame, the wall is smashed an inch into the piece of wood that holds the phone there. And there's lots of pieces of paint chipped off, revealing a metal reinforcement that probably helped the thing from not smashing in completely.
But the whole thing is dented in like a less extreme (.
God fucking dammit.
I hope no one notices.
TL;DR: I smashed a heavy thing into a wall thing using a electric powered thing.
Hawkeye7696: Put something in front of the crack.
dutch_ninja: Hehe, yeah, buy a poster or something. That'll fix it.
| 3 | 4 | |
1391399741 | 1391402924 | t3_1wv47r | t5_2to41 | 11 | Facednectar: TIFU by accidentally mentioning a family member who passed away
Well, it's been a rough couple days for my family and I. My aunt lost her battle in the hospital on friday after being in and out of hospitals for the past few months. I called my grandparents today to see how they were doing and while I was talking to my grandpa I said, "Good to talk to you. Say hello to Uncle M. and Aunt S. for me" Except I said the name of my aunt who passed away, instead of saying the name of my other aunt who lives down near my grandparents. My heart literally sunk into my chest, I could hear the defeat in my grandfathers voice after I said, "Sorry I meant to say Aunt S". I can't stop thinking about this, I feel really shitty about it...
vajayjay1: Sorry for your loss, mate.
Don't worry about it. I think your grandparents understand.
Facednectar: Thanks man. I'm sure he knew it was an accident, but still made me feel shitty.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1391402507 | 1391472744 | t3_1wv8kn | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU By locking my friends phone
I was trying to lock my friends phone by entering the wrong password a bunch of times because I thought it would be funny. So it gets locked and he has to login to gmail and whatnot, but it wouldn't let him. So now his phone is locked up and I have to go to the store to get it fixed, and I think they will have to factory reset it :(
dralcax: Either he has top secret government documents on that thing or he bought a bullshit phone. Most phones I've seen unlock themselves after 5-10 minutes so it's not completely useless afterwards.
[deleted]: iPhones for one require you to connect to iTunes after a certain number of locks
dralcax: Okay, I didn't know that. So OP's friend had that done to him one too many times?
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1391402722 | 1391909098 | t3_1wv8wt | t5_2to41 | 97 | I_shit_sideways: TIFU and got shit all over my girlfriend.
Not today, but sharing is caring.
Ok, so I have a colostomy bag. The kind that sticks to your side and casually fills up with poo throughout the day, before being emptied. No bowel movements are involved.
Rewind a couple of months, while I was still getting used to the whole shitbag concept.
In preparation for going to bed and getting a bit of action with my girlfriend, I emptied the colostomy bag first, as is my standard practice before doing pretty much anything.
My girlfriend and I got into our deed, and all was going well. Aside from the feeling of wetness that we both noticed was extending from where it belonged. Not to worry, probably just some sweat. Things were getting heated after all.
Then came the smell, and with it my heart sank. I turned the light on, still mid sex, to witness the shit-tacular display I had just made.
It was fucking everywhere. All over me, my girlfriend, some on the wall, lots on the bed and even on the floor was something that looked like lumpy mud cake icing and smelled like a satanic version of my lunch from hours before.
I checked the bag opening. Sure enough, when I'd emptied it I hadn't sealed it. As we were going at it my gut had clearly decided to pump out some nice warm half digested poo stew, which promptly left the now unsealed vessel to add some unwanted lubrication to our fun.
I slept in shame that night.
TL;DR, half digested poo makes a shitty lubricant.
EDIT: My girlfriend did not react as you might expect. While I was sullenly staring at the shit sauce everywhere, she was stifling back laughter.
We put it down to an intimate bonding exercise, and having cleaned it up, finished the other act.
She's a keeper.
[deleted]: Sooooo, what causes one to require an external shit backup?
I_shit_sideways: A variety of things. In my case, the absence of a colon.
[deleted]: Was it removed? Cancer?
Hawkeye7696: My first thought was that he perhaps lost it [in an unfortunate bathroom incident.](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/16913n/tifu_didnt_listen_to_the_doctor_and_forced/)
spacepuppy69: ... Daaaamn. O_o
| 6 | 16.166667 | |
1391399250 | 1391463392 | t3_1wv3fs | t5_2to41 | 20 | hahahawhatt: TIFU by having to poop
so i was at a superbowl party and I had to poop bad, so i went in the bathroom. i pulled my pants down, sat on the toilet and started to poop. then i felt my legs getting splattered with something wet. i was thinking "my penis is under the lid, i'm sure of it" and looked down. it was, but my penis was positioned so the urine sprayed right between the bowl and the seat. i quickly repositioned, but my urine was already on the floor everywhere. my feet were wet and i attempted to clean it up, but i'm afraid that they know because it leaked and soaked into the carpet in the bathroom, too. oops.
edit: a mat, not a whole carpeted bathroom
[deleted]: Who the hell floors a bathroom with carpet?
Edit: was it just one of this small mats?
pugderpants: I've actually seen carpeted bathrooms. Mostly done by grandparents - the kind who also buy those dis-fucking-gusting squishy toilet seats.
Apatheticunt: My grandma has her toilet seat lined with carpeting. Fucking carpeting.
pugderpants: Everything in my grandma's house is carpet. She even eats carpet. Fucking grandmas.
| 5 | 4 | |
1391412756 | 1391521094 | t3_1wvlks | t5_2to41 | 138 | TIFU_really_bad: TIFU by losing my virginity to a prostitute
Dear reddit.
I really fucked up this time. I'm 21 years old male and I was a virgin. I'm not too bad with girls except I always seem to end up in the friend-zone. Nearly all of my friends weren't virgins and I thought it was nothing special. But I was wrong.
Last night I thought it was time to lose it and went out and got a prostitute. At first all I wanted was a blow-job. But I don't know what came over me and decided to fuck as well.
Now in the country I'm in, prostitution is legal and I have used a condom.
But now I feel like shit. I feel like a such a loser and my life is a worthless piece of garbage. The shame and the guilt is awful. I feel like I can never be happy again or be close to another human being.
I'm turning to you now reddit, as I don't think I can tell this to anyone including my family and friends because it is so shameful and worthless. Any advice? I'm feeling pretty low right now. And I hope people don't make the same mistake as I did. Help.
EDIT: Thanks Reddit. I feel like I'm slowly getting over this. But this mentality is quite hard to change. Hopefully I can look back in the future as just another fuck up.
Walican132: >always seem to end up in the friend-zone.
Well with a mentality like that its no wonder
>But now I feel like shit. I feel like a such a loser and my life is a worthless piece of garbage. The shame and the guilt is awful. I feel like I can never be happy again or be close to another human being.
I would say quit thinking women owe you sex, and build relationships the proper way and lose the thought of the friend zone. I.e. grow up.
sp00nzhx: What the fuck is wrong with you? Never did OP even imply that women owe him sex - in fact, it would seem that he was just bad with women and actually thought little of sex. Then, he realized that he'd rather have a special time than a mindless hedonistic encounter with a prostitute.
You're an asshole.
Walican132: If op didn't think women owed him sex ge wouldn't bring up the friend zone. Aka an imaginary place where men can't be platonic and non sexual friends with women. Op even says he isn't to bad with women, in his post, that you probably didn't read.
WafflesForOne: I hate that anybody who brings up the friendzone is automatically labelled a misogynist pig regardless of if they actually are or not. All it means is OP was interested in a girl, and although she seemed interested initially, that turned out to not be the case. Also, it doesn't just happen to men. One party is interested and the other isn't. That's all it often means, not "THIS GIRL I LIKED DOESN'T WANT TO SLEEP WITH ME, WHAT A BITCH!" It's not just about sex, and OP wasn't being spiteful in the slightest, so get over yourself.
liquid_j: Noooo... Walican is right... Women never ever lead men on with the promise of sex or a relationship to secure things and favors. Never happened. Ever. /s
Don't mind walican, they're just spreading the new gospel as taught in the church of radical feminism.
Walican132: Nah I'm far removed from a feminist. I'm just not a fucking idiot. If a woman has the ability to lead you on, then you need to grow up. The friend zone is a term Children use when they cant comprehend sex being given to them.
liquid_j: Lol
| 8 | 17.25 | |
1391410255 | 1391472728 | t3_1wvj0z | t5_2to41 | 41 | maddoxfan75: TIFU by pissing the bed and projectile vomiting all over my girlfriend
I had had a lot to drink last night and I decided that I could hold in my piss until the morning (great fucking idea i know). I woke up with one of the biggest puddles of piss i have ever seen right on my bed that pooled around me and my girl. I was also really hungover and i felt really sick. She was still sleeping and I could not hold in the vomit anymore so I projective vomited all over her naked boobs and stomach. Needless to say, she was pretty pissed and she still will not talk to me. I still felt way better after I puked though, so i had that going on for me, which is nice.
Beaverfloss: Damn........ at least she didn't break up with you. You have that going for you too.
darkarchon11: Why would someone break up over such stupid little things?
binger5: I wouldn't break up with someone if this happened only once. I might if I'm getting habitually pissed and vomited on.
mackilicious: One man's trash is another's treasure.
| 5 | 8.2 | |
1391422400 | 1391461059 | t3_1wvtab | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by not being more careful.
I'll try to make this simple as possible. Pretty much I was in Seattle this night about 2 hours ago and I had my gold chain on. A black man snatched it off my neck and ran off while I tried to catch him, I then caught up to him in an alley and he told me, "do you want to get fucked up?". Which I replied by putting my hands up, my friend caught up to the alley and he started running again. I ran out of breath when he was going up some stairs and he got in a car which was filled with about 5 other people. I confronted them saying it was fucked up and I just want my chain back because it has sentimental value which they replied they don't know what I'm talking about when clearly the guy is sitting in the back seat. I managed to talk to a cop and explain what happened, then he talked to them but pretty much he couldn't search the car because he needed a search warrant. They took down his licence plate and said all I could do was take it to small court claims and they took my name and number. I fucked up and I'm angry writing this. I just needed to vent, and any help about how to move forward with small claims? I have 4 witnesses. TIFU.
TL:DR: Got jacked right in front of my face and couldn't do nothing about it.
populista: I'm sorry that happened to you. You must feel powerless.
Did you take pictures of the guy or the car?
Martinez953: I didn't take pictures of the person unfortunately. I did take a picture of the license plate and that was all. Police wrote the license plate down also along with my name and number so that I could take him to small claims court. But I have no clue how long they will call me in/what to do.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1391423178 | 1392430477 | t3_1wvtu0 | t5_2to41 | 9 | bighornsredmohawk: TIFU and heightened my creepy reputation
I've done a lot of creepy things by accident because i have depersonalization disorder and I find it difficult to restrain myself or empathize, i guess. so i'm already known as the creepy weird one in my group of friends.
Anyway, I was at a rehearsal for a play and I was having a discussion with a different friend about physics. I forget exactly what the issue at hand was but some people next to me were talking. one of them said 'you trying to get it on with X?' and the third one said 'she's my COUSIN.' Course, just as he said that I turned towards him because he'd just shouted and without thinking said 'makes no difference'.
TL;DR: told someone to go out with their cousin
courtoftheair: Why would a dissociative disorder do that to you? How does it have anything to do with restraint or empathy?
bighornsredmohawk: it removes my sense of empathy, definitely.
courtoftheair: ...I'm asking you why/how. I have severe episodes of DP/DR and I wouldn't describe it like you have. I'm curious, I've never met another sufferer.
bighornsredmohawk: i don't tend to instinctively feel : i need to think about it and how a normal human would feel. it feels like every sense is through binoculars or the equivalent
courtoftheair: Interesting. I feel like I'm floating behind myself and in fog or a glass box. Everyone/thing is 2D cutouts or wax models. I stop being able to taste, hear and feel pain, and I'm pretty much mute.
bighornsredmohawk: sounds like you get it a bit worse, i can't imagine what that's like
courtoftheair: I get it because I have BPD, Bipolar I and social anxiety disorder rather than a dissociative disorder on its own, so I don't know how it compares really. I think my episodes are shorter and more intense. I wish I could plug in to other people's brains and share their experiences.
| 8 | 1.125 | |
1391447074 | 1391459670 | t3_1wwkmr | t5_2to41 | 958 | Ruth_Gordon: TIFU by blowing my nose when I was in a hurry.
Today is Monday, so as a mom of two that means I have to get both of my children ready while they're still trying to be in weekend mode. I have to bring my oldest to school and my youngest to gymnastics.
In typical Monday fashion we all rushed to get out the door. My kids got out the door first and the blast of wet, cold New England air caused my nose to instantly run. I grabbed a paper towel off the counter and blew my nose as hard as I could.
It's important at this stage of the story to mention that I have to wear prescription eyeglasses.
The force of blowing my nose hard and fast, coupled with my rushed placement of the paper towel, caused the enormous amount of morning boogers and wet snot to come rocketing out of my nose then ricochet up off of my glasses and into my eye.
TL;DR: A poorly positioned and hurried nose-blowing caused me to snot rocket into my own eye.
Mustaka: I have pissed in my eye when half a "split stream" happened to point directly into my eye.
Hope that makes you feel better.
Thumbucket: ... What? I under stand the split stream, those are the worse when it happens in the morning, but were you aiming up or something? I mean, what/
Mustaka: Nope. Aiming down. You cannot predict a split stream.
Women globally get mad at men for pissing on the floor. I would rather piss in the toilet and not the floor. Mops and wife aggro are not fun. I certainly would not chose to piss in my eye.
Men get it. Women don't. It is just how the world works.
PixelOrange: You can mitigate split-stream occurrence by briefly opening your urethra by pulling back on your little guy. Just make him wink and all is good to go.
Mustaka: Yeah - I will mitigate getting piss in my eye by pointing it at my eye.
PixelOrange: You have to look at it to do this? And you can't control your bladder?
Mustaka: Look. I do not remember the exact circumstances of how I pissed in on my eye. Maybe I should just sit down to piss from now on....
| 8 | 119.75 | |
1391449362 | 1391455331 | t3_1wwoj2 | t5_2to41 | 5 | Ryuzaki702: TIFU by letting a relationship go
I'll give you a background the last Sunday i broke up with my gf and two days later i got into a relationship with a amazing girl (i'll call her X) anyway so today i was texting her in class she said we needed to talk i don't lose my cool but i almost did she felt weird about being in this relationship with me because i broke up with my ex two days ago plus she isn't aloud too date so now i'm in this rut thinking by the time she is able to she'll find someone else too love. Any advice would be helpful
Edit 1: Well now technically I'm friend zoned ( Fuck my fucking life ) anyway so she can't date for whatever reason her parents won't and even if she can they wont let her date me because they know what i look like so now i d on't know what to do .
kingofninja1: Get out of middle school before you date someone
Ryuzaki702: I'm in high school
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1391452526 | 1391538673 | t3_1wwu4g | t5_2to41 | 430 | [deleted]: TIFU by losing my virginity while blackout drunk
I would like to preface that this actually happened last friday.
I am a girl and I'm nineteen years old. I go to university and I never really felt bad for still having my vcard, never felt the urge to lose it. Then, on friday, me and a couple of friends decided to get drunk at my besties apartment. Everything started off fun, we had a great time, I got to talk to a few people I didn't know that well, and before I knew it, I was shitfaced. One by one people started leaving, so I decided that it was time for me as well. By now, only my friend and a male friend of hers, who's a couple of years older than us were left. So when I announced that I would be heading home now he said that he'd be coming too.
For the next couple of hours my memory gets really hazy but I know that I went with him and that we had sex. Honestly I have no idea what went through my head when I agreed. He asked me if I was a virgin after i whimpered because of the pain, I nodded and he kept going.
Except for that, I remember very very little over all. I had terrible cramps and felt sore the last two days but this has gotten better. There was only little blood, thankfully, and I haven't heard anything from the guy.
Despite never consciously attaching any emotional value to my virginity, the physical pain in addition to the fact that I won't ever properly remember losing it makes me feel pretty shitty right now. Thanks for reading, TIFU.
Edit: Formatting
Edit 2: Thanks for the kind words from some of you. Some are calling this rape and I have to disagree. I'm not going to chalk my own stupdity up to the guy. I knew him beforehand and while he is an asshole he isn't a rapist. Also I may only have hazy memories but I know I said yes so there's that.
My alcohol habits are healthy, this isn't a normal occurence, I can usually handle myself and drink very little, but I'm a university student and shit happens, so please cut me some slack.
Edit 3: Gee guys, I'm pretty sure he consented considering he was the one who invited me in and initiated it and the fact that he bragged about it to a mutual friend.
Edit 4: Clarification
xandel434: Thanks for taking responsibility for your actions and not destroying that mans life. Other than that, shit happens.
SleepIsForTheDead: Do you usually assume that all women are going to cry rape?
WinOSXBuntu: Whilst xandel434 may not have used the correct wording, you have to admit there is very little proofing taken to prevent an innocent person from being banged up in jail due to a false claim.
People will never dare speak out that a person could be lying on a count of rape because it spreads so much bad light on them.
SleepIsForTheDead: And how does any of that make it ok to assume a woman is going to make a false accusation? This mentality paints female victims as feeble minded children or as vindictive bitches, which is a wholly unfair and baseless analysis.
Also, I disagree with your assertion that nobody will "dare speak out" when they think a victim is lying, and some pretty solid data backing up my claim can be found in this very thread.
WinOSXBuntu: So you don't believe an innocent person has gone done down under a false rape accusation?
Also you use female victims, so you don't believe men can equally be raped neither?
Blue942: Of course men can't be raped, because they are strong, and can take care of themself. Also, women can't rape. That's what the general opinion is.
*sarcasm*
SleepIsForTheDead: If you re-read my comments, you'll know that's not what I'm saying. Men can absolutely be raped, but funnily enough when a man reports a rape (which, due to bullshit social constructs about masculinity they are disproportionately less likely to do than female victims) he is far less likely to be accused of making it up than a female victim. In fact, you'll be hard pressed to find statistics for false male claims.
Blue942: I wasn't replying to you. But I do not believe you on the note that men are less likely to be accused of making it up. I think it's the other way around actually. Men are looked down upon when they report being raped, they are weak, they aren't men.
Women are less likely to be accused because they are depicted as weak and fragile.
I do not understand your last sentence, could you please word it differently?
SleepIsForTheDead: >I do not believe you on the note that men are less likely to be accused of making it up.
Then please prove me wrong. I have thus far been unable to find any statistics about false accusations made by men, or even a news story where a male victim was accused of lying.
>Men are looked down upon when they report being raped
My comments about social ideals of masculinity have already spoken to this. Clearly you haven't been reading thoroughly.
>Women are less likely to be accused because they are depicted as weak and fragile.
This is unclear. Accused of what? Raping someone or making a false complaint?
If you mean they're less likely to be accused of raping someone, that's true. Statistically women make up a very small percentage of agressors in rape cases, be they against men or other women, so of course fewer women would be accused of rape. Also, see my aforementioned comments about the masculinity barrier of male victims reporting their attacker.
If you mean they're less likely to be accused of making it up, you are sadly mistaken. The vast majority of female victims are suspected of lying, either by friends, family, law enforcement, even strangers and the media. Speculation about the victims manner of dress, previous relationship with the aggressor, state of intoxication and other variables are all used to discount as many cases as possible. A rape investigation is one of (if not *the*) only cases in which the victim must not only prove the perpetrators guilt, but also their own innocence.
>I do not understand your last sentence, could you please word it differently?
I don't see what was unclear, but I'll say it more simply: You will find it very difficult to find statistics or news coverage about false rape accusations made by male victims.
Blue942: >Then please prove me wrong. I have thus far been unable to find any statistics about false accusations made by men, or even a news story where a male victim was accused of lying.
Do you have the statistics, if so, please show me.
SleepIsForTheDead: They don't exist. That is the point.
| 12 | 35.833333 | |
1391457464 | 1391482957 | t3_1wx2vt | t5_2to41 | 4 | Creamballman: TIFU by cheating by accident
the teacher said we can use the answers on out sheet to refer to during a reading check, I thought he said we can refer to the article. I know, I'm a dumbfuck
WPBDoc: Now here's the big question....will you do the honest thing and let the teacher know or will you hide it?
"Right things are seldom easy and easy things are seldom right."
Source - I'm a teacher.
ThatOneFace: As a student, I'm going to say it's better for OP to keep quiet about it and learn from his mistake.
Teachers rarely understand and rarely listen, if I were to approach one of my teachers and say, "Hey, I accidentally cheated because I thought you said we could use the article," all they would hear is, "I cheated."
This is not me condoning cheating. Cheating should never be used under any circumstance.
WPBDoc: That's not true. I have faced these situations as a HS Teacher, College professor and a grad school professor and I've given grace multiple times. However, doing the right thing isn't about how the other person responds, it's about how YOU respond. Bottom line -- intentional or not, he cheated. He'll be a better man if he steps up and addresses it whether or not the consequences are pre-aligned to favor his right action. If he knew he was going to get a pass on the error, it would require no courage at all. The fact that he might not get the pass is the issue that actually tests his character and passing the test of character is always more important than passing a test for some school class. I know this sounds archaic, quaint and old-fashioned, but I entered the profession of education to train people to be men and women of substance, character, leadership and quality. If we want more of the same kind of rudderless, drifting and manipulative rationalizations in our next generation of leadership that we see today, then by all means, do nothing. I just like to think that there are a few people out there of the caliber to do the right thing regardless of the potential consequences.
ThatOneFace: There are times to do the right thing and times to shut up and save your own arse.
There's nobody in this world who is going to help you but yourself. It's better to keep your head down, keep your mouth shut, and survive than it is to become labeled as something that will never go away in somebody's eyes.
And yes, it is true. How do I know? Because I've been in that situation, I've dealt with teachers like I've described, and I know teachers who honestly don't care about their students.
I've been in public education for twelve years, I've watched students get trampled on, spit at, and told that they're stupid because they didn't that grade on this test, or they didn't do this amazing project like the other kid did, or they did the *right* thing, and they were labeled and punished because they did the *wrong* thing.
My best advice for anybody and everybody? Worry about your own ass and then the opinions of other people.
WPBDoc: Your response doesn't surprise me a bit. This is the thinking of the mediocre...the person who wants to merely get by rather than lead. It's the mentality of the mushy middle who slog through life playing dodge ball with truth and consequences. But the world changers, the Statesmen, the people whose names we remember a generation later as heroes are the people who stand tall and do right. (You sound British, so I close with this.) The world has had enough Neville Chamberlains and Tony Blairs -- we crave some Winston Churchhills.
ThatOneFace: British?
Apparently, I sound British online.
I'm actually very, very American.
WPBDoc: "Arse" led me astray. :-)
ThatOneFace: Ah, I see.
| 9 | 0.444444 | |
1391479755 | 1391528789 | t3_1wy5tt | t5_2to41 | 55 | x2doublelift: TIFU by masterbaiting in my brother's room
I am home alone. So I am doing work in my brother's room, which used to be my room before I moved out to college, because that's where the desktop is. 2 Hours into my work session, I get the sensation to release my sexual tension. So I pull up my local porn website and just looked up a video at one of my favorite categories. The masterbaition starts, I go buck ham, get my masterbaition towel ready and release it inside. Now I feel all gross, but left my shorts, boxer, and wet towel on my brothers room floor. I go into the washroom that's in his room to clean myself. And when I finished showering, I completely forgot to move my dirty cloths out of the room. I go downstairs now to play video games. Fast forward 6 hours, my dad comes into my brothers room and finds dirty materials on the floor. And you guessed it. It was all me. Down the hall I hear my dad telling my mom in chinese that I must have masterbaited. My mom stormed into my room and ask me wtf is this all about. I proceed to lie and said....I pissed myself when I took a nap during my work session. And cleaned it up with the following items. My mom proceeds to call me retarded and blames me for playing too much games. That the game is negatively influencing me to piss myself in my dreams and that I MIGHT be mentally challenged. On the bright side...I avoid the whole masterbaition topic with my parents. But what a great way to start of the new year.
**Tl;Dr:** Masterbaited in my brothers room, evidence was found, I lied, and Mom think's I am mentally challenged now
BigNickBrick: So, your a grown adult and your parents don't think you whack it?
x2doublelift: First generation chinese immigrant
BigNickBrick: You know, now that I look at this you didn't mention clearing the web browser history, hope they don't check that if you didn't!
x2doublelift: OH shit....you're right D:
But I can't go in there right now. I'll have to do it tomorrow morning. I hope this isnt another TIFU....
PyrrhosD: You dun goofed.
jimbodan: Too late now anyway, they'll just backtrace it.
x2doublelift: Consequences will never be the same....
| 8 | 6.875 | |
1391490674 | 1391567353 | t3_1wy9pi | t5_2to41 | 14 | Foobzy: I bet that kid is thinking, "Mein Kampfy pants!"
dralcax: He's wanted them ever since he was nein years old.
Hawkeye7696: Uh.... Nazi jokes.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1391479741 | 1391486377 | t3_1wy5sz | t5_2to41 | 13 | twobobsworth: TIFU changing my passwords to 15 year old E mail accounts while too drunk to remember them.
Dear Yahoo, I know this is going to sound good and stupid. I changed passwords to two old e mail accounts that I hold dear to me, and in each instance my secret phrase is a question that I think I jotted down blacked out drunk fifteen years ago.No amount of figuring has opened my accounts. I recall going to bed so perfectly, smugly assured that I'd devised new uncrackable, unguessable passwords.I was correct. What does one do when encountering such a situation? I saw an episode of Archer where someone got ripped to remember the lost passwords, and even tried this. Is there a sort of person who can help me with this or do I just eat shit on it? Respectfully,
Bob
JoeyDurden: No worries, just email them about it.
adamtherealone: motherfucker...
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1391488710 | 1391536237 | t3_1wyk41 | t5_2to41 | 163 | [deleted]: TIFU by sending nudes through iCloud to my mom...
So i'm a 16 year old guy who got kinda bored one night. With nothing to do I would normally just head over to reddit, but instead I thought to myself "wouldn't it be a great idea to take some nudes of myself right now?"
Great idea, right guys?
I didn't really think anything of it at the time, didn't send them to anyone and deleted them pretty soon after. Things were good man. Little did I know I had logged in to my mom's fucking iCloud account a few days earlier to get a video she had taken and hadn't logged out again... yeah I know noob move.
Anyways, two night later after I had totally forgotten that it had even transpired, my mom walks into my room in the evening looking super serious and says she needed to talk me something that might be embarrassing. I was already fucking terrified of what was to come the way she phrased it so when when she mentioned my photos had been syncing to her iCloud my heartbeat rose about 50bpm and I wanted to just nope the fuck out of there. To make it worse she had manually went through about ten or so photos of me nude to delete them so she had definitely seen everything... I mean everything.
Also turns out to go with that delightful news I had taken an omegle screencap from a reddit post i'd seen earlier that day, and as she had been to an internet safety course days before and had the idea that omegle was some sort of sex chatroom.
So now in her eyes I was a horny guy sending nudes to people in a sex chat... fuck
I just sat there fucking petrified as she talked to me about how it was just my body maturing normally and how I needed to be safe. She was pretty nice about it but holy fuck, eye contact and conversation is a no go for the next 10 years at least.
TL;DR sent mom nudes and on an unrelated note decided to never leave my room again
[deleted]: Sat here trying to figure out what ibutt was. Then I saw the url said icloud and I remembered my cloud>butt plugin. Yeesh. I always forget that thing.
RebirthOfLegend: That's a thing?
PM_ME_YOUR_BREAKFAST: [Yep! It's a chrome extension.](https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/cloud-to-butt-plus/apmlngnhgbnjpajelfkmabhkfapgnoai?hl=en)
skatterbug: Why? I mean it sounds kind of entertaining, but why? How often do you use the word cloud?
MisterWtf: thats the point of it. nobody uses it that often, so it's confusing everytime.
skatterbug: So what I should do is install it on some *elses* chome and let the havoc reign?
ElusiveGuy: Don't tempt me while I'm setting up an OS image...
skatterbug: Do it! Create a clean image, and then install it. You can always fix it with the clean image if you feel too regretful.
| 9 | 18.111111 | |
1391489370 | 1391490903 | t3_1wyl3z | t5_2to41 | 5 | sadjkn: By parking in the wrong spot
Foobzy: First world problems. Women are crazy. Etc.
sadjkn: Women are THE first world problem. I wonder if African tribesmen have to deal with woman troubles, that would be a great documentary if they did.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1391488398 | 1391573752 | t3_1wyjms | t5_2to41 | 31 | Josh_a_J: TIFU by sticking my finger in my ear.
Well this happened yesterday, but obviously I was not in the mood to write it yesterday considering the situation.
Anyways, my mom works late nights and comes back in the morning, so It's up to me to watch my little brother on weekend mornings. So I decided that we should watch T.V. while eating lunch. While we were watching T.V, I had a sudden need to scratch my ear, so I stuck my finger around the ear canal (ear hole) and when I pulled my finger out I noticed the sound in my left ear was muffled. It felt like something was blocking it. Obviously in a panic I decided to get a q-tip to try to take out whatever I thought was in my ear. Bad Idea. I stuck the q-tip in too deep and logged whatever was in my ear deeper into the canal and now everything is more muffled than before.
Anyways, I visited the doctor today and he told me that I shoved my ear wax where I shouldn't. He gave me some ear drops and said if it doesn't clear to come back in a week.
TLDR: Stuck a finger in my ear, now I'm temporarily half deaf.
Edit:
Day 2: Still deaf...drops don't seem to be helping much. Gah, probably gonna have to go back to the doctor at the end of the week.
Sharpie_Syndicate: Hah! No way! This literally happened to me last week! Although I didn't do use a q-tip. I merely shot water into my ear :P
It feels weird eh? To only be able to hear out of one ear?
Josh_a_J: Yey at least someone can share my pain! :D
Aww yeah. When I went to class today I had to make sure everyone I talked too was on my right side. It sucks so much .-.
I just want to like slice off my ear hoping somehow I'll be able to hear.It's so annoying! xD
heybuddy93: Nah, then there'd be blood in the way. You'd still be screwed.
Josh_a_J: True... Well I guess I'll look on the bright side~ maybe I'll develop some kinda super power because I'm missing half my hearing~xD
Sharpie_Syndicate: So..if you lost half your hearing, does that mean you'll develop half a superpower?
Josh_a_J: Oh crap~ You're right~ oAo so if I got a super power involving my eyes then it would only be one eye. >.> idk~ I wonder how half a super power would even work? .-.
Sharpie_Syndicate: Heat vision out of one eye?
Kinda dumb. But hey. Heat vision is heat vision.
| 8 | 3.875 | |
1391490317 | 1391568175 | t3_1wymj4 | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by listening to Dre in the shower.
So I live in a pretty modern house with my parents. The whole house has speakers that are hooked up to a central port in the living room so you can listen to the stereo wherever you please. One of the rooms with a speaker is the main bathroom, which I tend to use because it has a walk in shower.
I take weight lifting at school and get out around 2:00. I come home exhausted and just want to chill, my mom wasn't home so I just stripped down in the living room. I put the aux cable into my S4 and just threw it in shuffle, fuck it why not, I was too lazy to pick what I wanted to listen to. I go up stairs white ass naked and turn on the shower. I chill for about 5 minutes then hop in when it's fairly warm. Sublime was playing in the background and I was pretty chill with it. About after 10 minutes I hear the garage door open and my mom came inside. It was whatever, I hear her start to come up the stairs to her room and that's when Dr.Dre came on. Except it wasn't the song you'd expect. It was "Pause 4 porno." What sounded like a harlem orgy just started blasting through the speakers, black women left and right "OHHHH YEAAAHHHH." "AWWWW BABY." I was mortified. I couldn't turn the music off either. The stereo was downstairs in the living room with my clothing. So fuck you to the guy that included that song on the torrents I downloaded.
TL;DR. Played music while in shower, mom came home, "Pause 4 Porno" came on, turned into "The last episode."
Foobzy: Why are you cursing the person who included that song in the torrent ... for free? You should be cursing yourself for uploading it to your iPod or whatever player you use.
KWAD2: Honestly I forgot it was there. So it is my fault (99%) but couldn't have happened without him.
lighter10: "Couldn't have happened without him".. Wtf is wrong with you, kid?
Did you want the damn album or not? Next time be careful what *you* put on *your* phone and plug into *your* stereo at full blast.
KWAD2: I said it is my fault, did you not read that? Same thing as buying a car. You crash the car, it's your fault. But it still couldn't happen if they didn't supply the car.
| 5 | 0.6 | |
1391490292 | 1391573996 | t3_1wymhq | t5_2to41 | 727 | throwawayforgetful: TIFU by forgetting a pad.
All my life I've suffered from horrible periods. I'm talking "murder scene" level and pain galore. Last night I'd been up for 36 hours, was dead tired and just wanted to sleep the pain away.
I went about my night business, brushed my teeth, took something for the pain, peed and THOUGHT I changed my pad before pulling on my pajamas and heading to bed.
This morning I was trying to sleep when I hear "What the fuck?"
I thought maybe the dog had gone on my BF's slippers. Nope.
"What the FUCK? Babe! Are you okay!?"
I opened my eyes, sat up and looked to see what was wrong.
His thighs were completely covered in blood, briefs stained up too, as was the bedsheet and my pajama bottoms as well.
In my sleep deprived state I'd forgotten to put on a new pad.
I've never been more horrified in my life.
TL;DR: Traumatized my boyfriend and ruined two pairs of underwear.
Rhianonin: my periods are absolutley horriblelike red rivers of hell horrible but using tampons almost completley fixes this problem. My mother never let me have them but when i moved out i went and bought a box. Its been three years now and i havent leaked ANYWHERE! They are a life saver. And a tip for the mornings that its really bad when you have a tampon in and wake up you have a good 45 seconds after you stand upright to make it to the bathroom before bleeding everywhere. Good luck and hope it works out.
rocketshipotter: Sleeping in them really isn't the best idea though.
k3lti3: ... Why? I have used tampons almost exclusively for like 15 years and I've never heard that.
Telurgesteld: I think it is more to do with the time that it is there, they recommend a maximum of 8hrs of use. So if you sleep longer than 8hrs you have an increase risk of (i think) some kind of poisoning. But it is very rare. When you are bored one day sit and read the instructions and warnings it will scare the shit out of you.
k3lti3: Yeah I've read them, it's called Toxic Shock Syndrome. It's never happened to me or anyone I know. Sounds scary though!
I don't keep them in much longer than 8 hours though, I put a new one in before bed and take it out when I get up.
pandroidgaxie: Toxic Shock syndrome made headlines linked to the super ultra absorbent tampons first sold in the late 70s. And of course it's the reason all packages now warn to change them at intervals. I guess they were so absorbent sufferers didn't realize a change was needed. Did the job too well?Quite a few women still scared to use tampons even after all these years.
| 7 | 103.857143 | |
1391497374 | 1391990629 | t3_1wyvan | t5_2to41 | 169 | cuhrisay: TIFU by putting icy hot on my nipples
TIFU. I dislocated my shoulder a couple days ago snowboarding and right before bed I was put icy hot on it to relieve the pain.
My nipples started itching so naturally, without hesitation, I scratched them. A few minutes later I realize why that was really fucking dumb of me to do. For a reason beknown to me, if your nipples are cold, your whole body is cold. Still haven't been able to get warm under the covers and fall asleep, 2 hours later...
summerrose1981: Use "dawn" or "joy" dish soap, it pulls the oils out of your skin so it stops the medicine. Learned this from poison control when I accidentally used it on my son's diaper rash.
spacepuppy69: Oh holy fuck, how did that turn out?
summerrose1981: It turned out ok but it was VERY traumatic for me and his dad... My son was only a month old so he doesn't remember, thank goodness! We were just delirious and out of our routine and I grabbed the wrong tube and handed it to him and neither one of us realized it until I smelled it, he felt it and my son started screaming, all in unison.
Unfortunately we tried to deal with it on our own with warm and cool water, which just intensified the burning and it took us probably 10-15 mins to think of calling poison control but fortunately we DID have some Joy dish soap so he didn't suffer much longer than the phone call.
According to PC it MUST be Joy or Dawn or else it won't work. And bless their hearts they don't make you feel like the world's worst parent when you call them!
spacepuppy69: Oh wooow, that's awful! But, to be fair, shit happens especially for parents. So many people think shit like this never happened to them; no, their parents just never told them!!
I'm so glad they didn't make you feel like an awful parent, thta's really good of them. :)
summerrose1981: Yeah, they also call to check up on you several times to make sure everything turned out ok. They really are quite an asset! :)
spacepuppy69: Well shit, learn something new everyday. That's pretty badass.
| 7 | 24.142857 | |
1391550962 | 1391551870 | t3_1wz3tp | t5_2to41 | 3 | LRats: The difference is you knew you had to take it with you. I'm pretty sure nothing like that was said between the two. He has been in college for a few years now. It seems like his mom just got tired of taking care of it and gave it away.
The perplexing part is why did OP just seem to be like ok mom. Of course I don't know his family situation, but if I was OP I would have flipped the fuck out.
mister_flibble: He's posted this in a couple subreddits, from one of the other posts it sounds like he tried but the mom wasn't having it.
Edit: corrected pronouns.
LRats: Oh ok, that makes sense. He is clearly a guy if you look at the album posted. The mom is making a huge mistake, this can end up ruining their relationship if they had any to begin with.
| 3 | 1 | |
1391509531 | 1391527549 | t3_1wz5aa | t5_2to41 | 19 | Eyes_of_ibad: TIFU by venting about my Mom
So last night a dear friend of mine 'Jim' and I are exchanging "parent stories". You know the stories about our parents that drive us nuts and we can't help but talk about it. When it was my turn to share, I focused on my mother and how she tries to put on a mask of perfection and how it alienates everyone around her. My mom is really fun, quirky, and hilarious. And everyone likes her. But more often than not she puts on this 'perfection show'. She puts up social barriers and it makes everyone around her uncomfortable. She has lost a lot of friends this way. In her mind she believes that she has protected her image, but in reality those around her realize what she is doing. I also mention that when she acts like this I feel as if she is a different person and I have a hard time relating to her when she gets like this.
So today I receive a text from my sister that reads "Mom heard you and Jim talking about her last night."
What?! So i text my sister back: "What do you mean she heard me?"
For a while I don't get a response. FINALLY she calls me "Well, apparently she heard you and Jim talking about her and saying things like 'Oh I don't know who my mom is anymore, she's fake, nobody likes her, and she's really difficult to get to know' that sort of stuff."
Of course naturally I'm thinking "HOW?!" So I look through my call log and lo and behold there is an outgoing call to my MOM at around the time where we were talking about her.
**A 5 MIN CALL.**
So either she heard a 5 minute voice mail or was listening in on us for 5 minutes. **Fuck........................**
The only conclusion I can come to is that I butt dialed my mom at the exact moment that I was talking about her.
Seriously? This is like a bad plot from a sitcom series. This can't be happening.
Oh, but it is happening. My sister tells me my mom is crying and doesn't understand why I would say such things.
Naturally I am distraught. So I offer to call my mom and get things settled.
But NOOOOOOOO. My mom instructed my sister to keep all of this a secret. So by calling my mom and settling everything I would be throwing my sister under the bus.
And now here I am pretending everything is ok. I've been mulling over it in my brain, drank a bunch of tequila and still don't know what to do.
Yay tequila.
donderchief: Switch to whiskey.
Eyes_of_ibad: Oh show me the way to the next whiskey bar.
SleepIsForTheDead: Don't ask why
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1391525569 | 1391569657 | t3_1wzl4z | t5_2to41 | 25 | Twatbag3000: TIFU by trusting a fart.
So... let's restart the counter guys. Sorry.
Let me just note that I've been ill for the past few days as well.
Anyway! Let's got back to 20 mins ago. I've just woken up and I'm fumbling around to find my glasses and phone to have my morning browse on Reddit. Fast forward 5 mins, I'm laughing at some of the stupid shit that you guys have done. It's then when I feel a fart. To be fair to myself I was fine farting yesterday... But noooo...
With a slight push to help this fart out, also came a liquid. I jumped out of bed, still laughing at Reddit and shouting "you fucking idiot" at the same time to myself.
I get to the toilet and decide I should wipe my arse before I sit and shit. I get paper. I reach back. I wipe. I look at paper. IT'S BRIGHT FUCKING ILLUMINOUS ORANGE! "oh... wow..." Is all that comes out.
So I sit down and fart once again. It sounded like I was pissing, but with the smell of a dying antelope being sprayed by a skunk.
So... back to now. I'm sat on the toilet still, trying to reach the window that is just out of arms reach, but I can't stand to get it cause I keep farting. I've also got my boxers laid out in front of me with a bright orange reminder about farting.
TL;DR - Farted out a bright orange liquid, fucking stinks.
Moonreaver: Who looks at the tp after wiping... Yer narsty man.
Herxheim: if you don't check, how do you know you're done?
Moonreaver: Simply by knowing I'm clean.
JeremyR22: Ah, so you're a gambler...
Moonreaver: Not in the least, I just know the difference between the feeling of a clean wipe and a non clean wipe.
billiardwolf: From this day forward you shall be known as "dirty ass"
Moonreaver: If you say so, like I said, I know the difference from a clean wipe and an unclean wipe. I don't need to stare longingly at my own shit in order to find out. :)
billiardwolf: bullshit
Moonreaver: Now I believe this conversation is through, because quite frankly ... I just don't give a damn.
| 10 | 2.5 | |
1391530626 | 1391579730 | t3_1wzt1i | t5_2to41 | 251 | sparticle601: TIFU by sitting in Rosa Parks' bus seat
I've been riding the bus to work lately. It all started with my car being stuck in the shop for days waiting for a part. But keep riding since I like not having to deal with the snow and driving in general.
This morning I gave the driver my punch ticket and sat in my usualish seat in the front. Moments later I felt a tapping on my shoulder. It was the lady sitting behind me. She said "This seat's reserved". I sort of gave her my not-sure-if-serious face, but I looked down towards the backrest where she was pointing and saw [this](http://imgur.com/gjY7Cvi).
Yikes!! [Rosa Parks](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rosa_parks)!! I shot up, apologized, and scooted across the aisle still stunned. A few seconds later I had finally collected my thoughts enough to laugh about it with the lady. It was an honest mistake. I'm really glad she mentioned it to me. If she hadn't, I'd have blocked it for everyone getting on after me, and looked like a jerk to everyone who got on before.
I still fucked up though. The *one* day out of the year, in the *one* seat that is CLEARLY MARKED to commemorate a famous historical figure, that's where I decide to sit my ass.
Bonzoo: You shouldn't have moved. Would have been an impromptu way of honoring her for not moving.
sparticle601: Haha. I can't really argue
crazedgremlin: It would have been more on point if you were a black woman, which I assume you are not.
sparticle601: I am a white male. The woman who tapped my shoulder is black.
NiceGuysFinishLast: Oh, yeah... She likely would not have seen any humor in the situation.
| 6 | 41.833333 | |
1391535726 | 1391566066 | t3_1x01vf | t5_2to41 | 291 | Alexiel17: TIFU by leaving a condom inside a girl
Actually, this happened on saturday (sunday past midnight), but she told me today, I couldn't find the condom the next day, and she said she didn't have it inside (apparently) and today she told me she found it when she was showering, and she's freaking out big time, I'm calm, since it's not sure until she takes a pregnancy test, we are not a couple, we are just friends, but she's thinking way ahead of time, that she will abort, which would be her choice since it's her body, but I told her she can still take the day after pill. Anyway, if she's pregnant, it's going to be a little fucked up.
UPDATE: She already took the pill, not we just have to wait and I'll try to keep her calm since the pill will probably mess with her period, and she might think she's pregnant, hopefully she won't.
JoeyDurden: Just go get the day after pill just in case, it's $50 well spent.
Alexiel17: The thing is, I was visiting, and traveled the next day, and I'm now at a 3 hour travel away from the city, I already told her to get the pill, but she hasn't answered, also, the pill is like 11 bucks here
[deleted]: Where in Gods names do you live that it's $11
Alexiel17: Mexico, it's about 150 pesos (about 11dls) for one pill, other cities or brand might be more expensive, but at least the ones I remember are at that price (haven't had to buy one in a couple of years)
[deleted]: if youre in mexico why not get the abortion pill
Alexiel17: Because she's not pregnant yet dude! There's no need for that, she can still take the day after pill
[deleted]: probably best to slip it to her just in case
i_pk_pjers_i: Why slip it to her when she already said that she would abort if she had to? That seems kinda... Unnecessary.
[deleted]: to be super safe. babies are like cancers, you got to get it all or itll just come back.
nuthead100: just go back to selling tooth paste before you get more down votes.
[deleted]: Clients hates him
| 12 | 24.25 | |
1391532826 | 1391945331 | t3_1wzwtp | t5_2to41 | 29 | OneManGOONsquad: TIFU by indirectly getting poop in my mouth
Okay, so I was in the shower, and I was cleaning by butt crack. The thing is, I don't like the idea of contaminating my shower puff so I use my left hand. My logic is that I can wash my hand, so that's all good, right? So anyway, like I said, I was cleaning my butt crack, and I guess I still had some poop residue in there, and I guess I somehow flung my hand in a way where I got the doo doo particle infected water in my mouth. The worst is that I could also smell the shit water on my face.
I continued to shower for a good 20 minutes after that and gargle mouth wash for at least 5.
dexter07: A wash rag would work just as well, but the hand is good too....I guess.
OneManGOONsquad: Yeah we don't use "wash rags". Of course it's not like using my left hand is some kind of sophistication...
jayplowtyde: why dont you have rags? tf
OneManGOONsquad: Because I'm not a plebian. Also because I have a shower puff.
Cancani: but when i poop i wash my arse with my left hand everytime
OneManGOONsquad: ...*just* your left hand?
Cancani: Water in a container thats next to the toilet fill it wif water wipe and wash
OneManGOONsquad: uhhhhh
can I ask where you are from?
Cancani: Why does it matter where I come from? I want my ass to be clean after i take a shit :/
OneManGOONsquad: Because this is a strange practice and not a social norm of the society I live in. I'm curious what kind of society *you* live in. I think what I do in the shower is a stretch enough, but I rarely get any fecal matter on my hand. You, on the other hand, use **just your hand** to substitute toilet paper. While I'm not going to necessarily judge you, I was just curious where you live, because this is a common practice in parts of India. I looked at your profile and noticed you're speaking German, but I've never heard of this being practiced in Germany. It's mostly the use of a bidet or toilet paper, from my understanding. I'm a sociologist and I find this quite intriguing.
Cancani: I wipe with toiletpaper and then wash. Im Turkish but I live in Switzerland. I could never just wipe or use wet wipes for some reason. I of course wash my hands and try not to eat with it.
OneManGOONsquad: my advice: don't ever tell anyone you do this.
Cancani: I just did
spacepuppy69: Doesn't being Turkish make it much more understandable that you only use your left hand?
You wipe and wash yourself everytime? That's pretty damn cleanm I wish everyone did that.
Cancani: Yep everytime
spacepuppy69: Cool. :D
| 17 | 1.705882 | |
1391530762 | 1391551632 | t3_1wzt9u | t5_2to41 | 1,344 | kevando: TIFU trying to multi-task
swoosh around mouth wash..
wash my face in the sink
eyes closed, rinse face with water
spit the mouthwash in my hands
rinse face with filtered mouthwash
did I just?
Open eyes
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
tl;dr I type with 1 eye this morning
Zib559: Anon?
hardypart: He's currently in his transformation phase, soon ready to take off.
kevando: http://i.imgur.com/UwzropF.jpg
hardypart: I wish you all the best, pal.
| 5 | 268.8 | |
1391540480 | 1391575432 | t3_1x0a9s | t5_2to41 | 41 | sith_macfarlane: TIFU by doing a jig while taking a piss.
Not today, but yesterday nonetheless. I was extremely hyper after finishing my dinner from mcdonalds which included a large soda. I never really drink soda so i'm assuming that is the cause of my hyperness. Either way about 30 minutes after eating i had to piss. I go into my bathroom and begin to do my business, while a commercial with a catchy tune came on in the living room close to my bathroom. I, without really thinking, decided to dance around a bit while pissing, at one point i had taken my left hand off my shorts(basketball shorts) and that is where things got messy. Once i took my hand of the shorts a small bit of piss hit them, i decided to assess the damage and continued pissing. Unfortunately, during my inspection i left my jimmy unattended by my right hand and my shorts ended up folding over it because hey elastic shorts pissing with no hands. Now my shorts and underwear are covered in piss and theres no turning back. So i non-chalantly reached into my dryer and changed into freshly clean clothes, leaving my mess in the dirty laundry. In my haste to change clothes i forgot to rinse them off and before i could fix my mistake, my wife picked them up and SNIFFED them. I was mortified, it felt like eternity before she made another move. Thankfully that move was to put them in the washing machine. She never noticed that she was holding a wet pair of basketball shorts covered in her husband piss even after smelling them, and now she will never know.
TL:DR pissed my self while watching a commercial, wife dealt with the consequences later, unknowingly.
Viral_Krieger: What? Do you take your hands off the wheel of a car when you hear a catchy tune? I don't understand.
pandroidgaxie: most ridiculous achievement to be stupidly proud of but I am a clumsy person: while approaching and negotiating a left turn at a busy intersection in my standard transmission car, I was dancing the electric slide (BOOGIEWOOGIEWOOGIE), balancing the clutch and accelerator, operating the stick shift ... all without spilling my 32 oz drink in my left hand. I think at one point my knees were helping to steer in between dance moves.
| 3 | 13.666667 | |
1391549212 | 1391613544 | t3_1x0ps3 | t5_2to41 | 29 | [deleted]: TIFU by swimming when I don't know how
In gym class. I was to pre occupied with getting my fat ass body acceptable to take my shirt off, I forgot I didn't know how to swim. I never learned. I'm fucking stupid. The worst goddanmed part is that I struggled right in front of the girl I've been trying to work up the confidence to tell her I like her, now I guess that's not happening. I basIcally almost drowned, though no one could tell. It took me like a minute to get out of the pool. After that, I tried again,
with a life vest,
a fucking life vest,
I'm 17.
By this point I wish I had drowned.
I ended up sitting on the bench.
After gym class I was just demolished, I left early and walked home. GODDANMIT I REALLY LIKE THAT GIRL. FUCK MY LIFE.
LRats: so you basically went drowning?
Don't worry about not knowing how man. I'm 24 and don't know how to ride a bike. I don't get any women though so maybe you should worry :( but probably not.
Cancani: That isnt horrible at all dont let it make you feel bad you can still learn :)
LRats: I could give a shit about learning to ride a bike, but thanks for the concern!
| 4 | 7.25 | |
1391568845 | 1391574639 | t3_1x1ojz | t5_2to41 | 4 | Kaigu3: TIFU by sending my ex-gf hurtful song unintentionally. Proceeded to apologize with second fuck up.
The other day I found a pretty catchy song and it sounds pretty snazzy and I wasn't listening to the lyrics but it's actually condescending.
So, knowing my girlfriend that I had just recently broke up with, I sent her the song because she likes that kind of music. We were still good, close friends and we still talked so it wasn't weird or anything. Later, she looked up the lyrics herself and felt pretty bad that I had purposefully sent her the song.
Today her mother shoots me a text saying she was feeling pretty bad that I had sent her a song like that. I quickly sent my gf a text saying "I totally fucked up" and sorry and shit and I guess her mom had her phone so she saw Fuck on the screen and I got fucked by apologizing for a fuck up. Gawd dammit.
dobtoronto: Now that the initial feeling of regret has passed, this is the kind of thing you can just brush off. She's got her own life, you have yours.
What if you sent her a song and she said 'wow thank you this makes me feel great'? Would that really accomplish anything? It doesn't matter how your ex-girlfriend reacts to you, she isn't meant to validate you anymore.
Thanks for posting your double fuck up.
Kaigu3: ah i know it doesnt make a difference but its pretty lonely so anything anyone says is comforting. ill eventually learn to accept it. thanks
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1391569326 | 1391611759 | t3_1x1pek | t5_2to41 | 34 | Boner4Boss: TIFU telling my boss I'm in love with him
So this was actually Saturday, but things are just starting to mull over now, three days later.
I have a HUGE boner for my boss. Major crush. Major major crush. He's 10 years older than me, single, funny, attractive, creative, caring, driven...the whole 9 yards. Basically, what's not to love. I've had a crush on him for over a year now, since I started working at my company. We flirt back and forth at work all day, every day. Whether it's him being sarcastic my way, picking up lunch for each other, he even gave me rides to work when my car broke down. Sometimes it's the playground acts of flirting: throwing footballs at my head from across the room, pretending to trip me in the hallway after meetings. I don't know, stupid little flirty shit that leaves us both in stitches afterwards. And whenever we're out to eat with a group of coworkers, I always notice him catch my eye from across the table after he tells a joke, like he's looking for my approval or something. Anyways, I'm totally smitten with the guy.
He has a birthday party up at the bar he bartends at on Saturday, and of course I attend. Me and one other coworker were the only two from work that came. Great night, shots all around, tons of pictures together, even karaoke. I remember some of his best friends, and they great me like their own. After party winds up at his house, so we tag along too. My coworker ends up passing out early, so now I only really know my boss and his best friend, who happens to be a chick. I'm really pretty sauced at this point, as I assume everyone is. I sit his best friend down and confess my love for him. Then I drop "Haha, do you think he would care if I just passed out in his bed?! What do you think he would do?!" That's when she drops this one on me "..........Well.......actually.........that's where I usually sleep." Obviously deflated and embarrassed, I excuse myself to the spare bedroom and pass the eff out (after drunk texting my besties to keep them updated).
I get up the next morning, everyone but my coworker is still asleep. We decide to just book it out of there. But I use the bathroom beforehand and notice that I had written "I LOVE YOU" across the mirror in dry erase marker. At the time, I was too drunk to care. Yes, that morning. So I left it.
Didn't hear from him all day Sunday, and avoided him at work all day Monday. It was SUPER awkward. But now he's back to cracking jokes my way and throwing footballs at my head, so I don't really know what to even think.
TL;DR - got cock blocked by my boss's fuck buddy.
chompalligator: if that's where the best friend sleeps are they a "thing"?
skatterbug: Ya, doesn't sound so much like a fuck buddy as it does a girlfriend. '*Usually* sleeps' sounds more regular than every now and then.
| 3 | 11.333333 | |
1391545150 | 1391579129 | t3_1x0if0 | t5_2to41 | 17 | MyCarSmellsLikeBacon: TIFU by kicking a girl in the teeth.
Not really today, more like a few years ago. I used to learn tae kwan do and we were learning some moves. Well there was this move where if someone comes to grab you, you push their body down and kick them in the face. Obviously we didnt really kick them, just pretended. But when it was my turn to try this move with my partner, my leg went a bit too High and I smashed her teeth. At the time her parents where there and they saw the whole thing. I just stood there while chaos erupted. Oops
Dick_Souls_II: So did she lose her teeth or something?
MyCarSmellsLikeBacon: I think I broke a few. Silly me.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1391572659 | 1391576949 | t3_1x1v2d | t5_2to41 | 2 | MikeDJonali: TIFU By Walking into my Teen Son's Bedroom...
It was a normal day, and I got home from work early, so I went to my son's room to see if he was home (he is 14 and takes public transit home). He was not, I assume he was out with friends or something.
Well, I walked in and saw some stuff I wish I hadn't. For one thing, there was a pack of cigarettes and a lighter on his dresser, and several used condoms on the floor. Upon further exploration, I would some marijuana and several bags of what looked to be clear/white rocks along with some sort of clear glass pipe (to smoke the marijuana?). There was also a bunch of money in 10s and 20s in the top drawer of his dresser (he has no job).
I just wish I had left it alone, I don't want to know he smokes marijuana or cigarettes, I didn't want to see any of this, and i don't know what to do.
Burn-Account: Please tell me the pipe looked like [this](http://i85.photobucket.com/albums/k79/daze_one/52-glass-weed-pipe.jpg) not like [this](http://www.alltreatment.com/uploads/2599.jpg) or [this](http://wdfyfe.files.wordpress.com/2011/08/stupid-dope2.jpg).
Talk to him! Obviously the cigarettes and weed is bad, but if he is using a meth (the second type of pipe shown above) or crack (the third pipe) pipes, those are highly addictive drugs and especially for a fourteen year old very dangerous. The money also suggests he might be dealing drugs, which is not a good thing either, but definitely confront him.
MikeDJonali: A) My son isn't a drug dealer, he is a 14 year old white kid in the suburns.
B) Meth? crack? Yeah the pipe had a round thing, but I'm sure you could still smoke marijuana out of it. Probably just thought it was cool.
Burn-Account: A) I'm just offering advice from experience man, and most of the people I know who seem to make money without a job are into something illegal. My guess is drug dealing as the drugs are there and I would hope a 14 year old isn't pimping himself out on the corner.
B) If the pipe had a circular part on the end, it most likely is used for meth/crack cocaine. It might theoretically be possible to smoke weed out of it, but it would be hard as hell as you actually have to light the weed on fire when, to my understanding, you have to heat the meth/crackrocks up in the pipe and 'melt' them. That said, I'm no expert (never tried the stuff) and that's just what I know from friends better versed in the world of drugs then me.
fractalLifeForm: You're being trolled.
| 5 | 0.4 | |
1391571706 | 1391797151 | t3_1x1tha | t5_2to41 | 19 | nachonaco: TIFU by cleaning out my car.
I almost never clean my car. Horrible, I know, but I never have anyone IN my car and so on and so forth.
The past four months have been kind of stressful and busy and just plain *crazy*.
I, however, decided to get my shit together.
And clean out my car.
I thought I had moved a folder that was in the car to a room in my house.
I did not.
The folder that was in my house, was empty.
And I threw away the folder with my W-2s from 2012, and possibly the title to my house.
Reddit, TIFU and I am beating myself up for it.
Zoss0: W -2s?
Langrad: Official tax documents from your work showing wages and withholdings for federal income tax, social security, and medicare.
Zoss0: Thanks, not an American <3
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1391578544 | 1392185676 | t3_1x242r | t5_2to41 | 17 | ScaryFatMan: TIFU: By leaving my girlfriend's underwear in the living room
So I am finally making progress with my gf's parents, getting to know them, getting friendly, and overall not being seen as a sexual predator who is trying to frisk their daughter...
But one thing led to another, and we did the naughty naughty in the living room while the parents were asleep. The next day, the parents leave for work, and I clean up the living room. (I was allowed to sleep in the living room, since the roads were icy.)
I thought everything was back to normal, but apparently I had overlooked her pair of panties, which were also ripped. The little bastard was probably tucked between the cushions of the couch, but sticking out just enough to fuck me. Eventually my GF's parents came home to watch TV and found the said fuckup. Now I don't know how to ever face them again, they are mad/upset and I was just making progress too. :(
skittlesnbitches: You should have told them they were yours. That would have fixed everything.
IbuprofenCS: Yeah, it's the new "hip" thing. AM I RIGHT GUYS?!
GrapefruitBacon: No. You are not right.
ITS THONGS THESE DAYS MOTHERFUCKERS!
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1391582964 | 1391583376 | t3_1x29xn | t5_2to41 | 115 | [deleted]: TIFU by masturbating with pepper spray
This happened about 6 years ago, but it's still a true story and hope it does well. Anywho..
This was back when I was a junior in HS and I lived with my mom at the time in a town home/neighborhood. I get home from school one day and the door to get from the garage to inside is locked (I didn't have a key, only the garage code. Stupid I know) So I call my mom and she says she can be home in about an hour or so..
Half of our garage was used for storage so there were all kinds of things down there to entertain myself for a bit. I look at some old pictures of the family and my parents from when they were younger, until I find a can of pepper spray. Now up until this time I had never really shot pepper spray so I did it a few times in the garage by the open garage door which was cool. Eventually I get bored and notice there is a chair in the garage so I decide "Well, I guess I'll just masturbate"
So I do my "thing" and a few minutes later I start to get this burning feeling on my dick and I'm really confused at first and then it seriously gets exponentially worse by the second and then it hits me that I seriously just jerked off with pepper spray residue on my hands and I have no way to get into the house to shower and wash it off. Holy. Fuck. the 10 minutes it took for my mom to get home were probably the worst and longest 10 minutes of my life. I could not stand still. I could not focus on anything but how bad my dick burned and all I wanted to do was get in the shower to wash it off. If my mom would have taken another couple minutes I would have gone and jumped into the neighborhood pool fully clothed not giving a fuck.
My mom pulls up and notices how restless I am. I tell her I have to use the bathroom BAD. She just laughs and when she opened that door I swear to god you would think I was doing Olympic sprints by how fast I bolted straight into my bathroom. Got into the shower, which is about 5 feet long and has two seats on opposite sides. I stand up on them and have my dick about 6 inches from the shower head while I rub my dick/balls for about 10 or 15 minutes until the pain is finally gone.
Only 2 people and now you Reddit know this story.
TL;DR
* Got home from school and couldn't get into the house
* Had to wait for mom
* Play with things in the garage including pepper spray
* get bored and masturbate
* Realize what I've done when dick starts to burn
* longest 10 minutes of my life accompanied by an indescribable burning sensation
* Finally take 15 minute shower getting nothing wet but my groin region
dalmanza65: Dude that is hilarious
[deleted]: Seriously. This is a good one
| 3 | 38.333333 | |
1391586629 | 1391617726 | t3_1x2e25 | t5_2to41 | 15 | Not_Reliable: TIFU by committing one of the worst accidental instagram likes possible
Allow me to set the scene
Middle of the afternoon, alone in my room, and my best friends mom uploads a picture to instagram. She is totally like 50 but whatever it gets me in the mood.
So I'm choking the chicken looking through a bunch of her past photos when I find a video called "tongue olympics." The material is perfect, its literally her and her daughter (best friend's sister) sticking out their tongues and making really sensual faces. As I am trying to get the video paused on the perfect moment, I accidentally like, of course.
I stupidly decide to continue, so theres essentially no way she didn't see what I had just liked, especially because she has like no followers and gets barely any likes on pictures. By the way that video was 35 weeks old. Not ideal.
binger5: Just play it off to liking it because you thought it was funny and adorable.
plsbesmarter: http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view3/1182788/beavis-and-butthead-o.gif
gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/ParallelEmotionalGnu](http://gfycat.com/ParallelEmotionalGnu)
---
^(GIF size: 2.13 MiB) ^| ^(GFY size:208.28 kiB) ^| [^(~ About)](http://www.reddit.com/r/gfycat/comments/1u5df2/made_a_gfy_bot_for_reddit_in_ruby_meet_ugfy_bot/)
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1391586559 | 1391657985 | t3_1x2dy9 | t5_2to41 | 97 | kirbygay: TIFU by fucking up cream puffs......
I work at a bakery in a grocery store, doing packaging. Today, my boss left me a case of cream puffs to package and store in the freezer. She left a binder with details on how to make it.
Apparently, you are supposed to slice the pastry in half (the god damn book said nothing about slicing it!!!) and fill the pastry with whipped cream.
I had no idea. I smooshed two pastries together between a giant mound of whipped cream and packed them up. The entire time I kept thinking to myself "How the hell do people eat these fucking huge pastries?!?!?"
They don't. I fucked up. My manager came in and laughed at me. Took me a whole hour to fix my stupid mistake!!!
My new nickname at work is Cream Puff -.-
Edit: Also, I accidentally kept calling them Cream Pies. Even more embarrassing.
Joker4479: Nothing like going to the bakery for cream pies.
telepaper: I imagine when OP came home,
"Hey, what did you do today?
Not much, a few creampies, you?"
| 3 | 32.333333 | |
1391600985 | 1391696383 | t3_1x2q8k | t5_2to41 | 1,836 | evaumanex: TIFU by blowing air on a spider.
This morning I woke up to see a pretty sizeable spider chillin on my ceiling. I wasn't sure if it was alive or not, so I huffed and I puffed and I blew my morning breath all over that fucker. Worst idea ever.
Next thing I know, the little bugger dropped from its web DIRECTLY ONTO MY FACE. Not only did it land on my face, but IN MY MOUTH. It was like I couldn't get it out fast enough. The thing was probably tryna moonwalk on my tongue. Finally I cleansed my orifice of its arachnid inhabitant, and rinsed three times with mouthwash.
**TL;DR: I had an earlier breakfast than I'd intended.**
edit: spelling
theraphosidae18: I collect tarantulas- I soon learnt that breathing on spiders makes them freak out... badly. I now hold my breathe when close to them.
Beersaround: The fact that you said 'collect' instead of 'have' leads me to believe that you have way too many tarantulas.
theraphosidae18: Not as many as I'd like, but 24 is still quite a lot.
ChilesIsAwesome: Aaaaand why haven't you posted them?
theraphosidae18: I have on /r/tarantulas but its not a very popular sub
coloicito: Hey mate, we'd love them if you posted them in /r/awwnverts
theraphosidae18: I have thought about it, just wasn't sure whether they'd qualify as 'aww' worthy in other peoples views.
coloicito: I'll always find your spiders cute <3 (unless dead)
theraphosidae18: All very much alive :)
coloicito: [What's going on in this pic then?](http://i.imgur.com/GEtut4j.jpg)
KittyKathy: Why would you post that? ಠ_ಠ
coloicito: tbh it freaks me out too. I have no problem seeing alive spiders, but, since this one looks dead, I feel really uneasy to look at it :/
theraphosidae18: This pretty much eplains whats going on there http://imgur.com/a/f3427
Shows the process start to finish. Thats how they grow :) can also find loads of youtube videos of it when you search 'tarantula molting'. It is very odd but completely normal.
coloicito: It still freaks me out to see that. The already-molted spider looks good, but the old skin... Man...
theraphosidae18: But think of all the pranks! Its a massive relief when they molt successfully. They are at their most vulnerable and can easily die during the process if they face any complications. Not to mention they can fast for days, weeks and even months leading up to the molt but usually they'll get their appetite back a couple days or weeks after.
coloicito: Pranking with the skin of a tarantula... You're taking this to far :O
Do they get hungrier (as in eating more) when they regain appetite?
theraphosidae18: Depends on the individual and how long they have been fasting. I have had some who are ravenous after, others who are still quite fat and plump and only have a mild interest in the food. Also depends on if they're ready to eat yet, some need a little longer to get their appetites back and their fangs need to harden enough too.
| 18 | 102 | |
1391602991 | 1391816831 | t3_1x2s3x | t5_2to41 | 59 | boardgamejoe: TIFU by going grocery shopping.
This morning my wife wanted me to go get some groceries, so I loaded up our 2 year old and headed to our Walmart Supercenter. It had recently sleeted and snowed on top of the sleet, but the roads were pretty clear so I decided it would be ok to drive.
As I turn into the Walmart parking lot, there is a patch of ice that looks like it is not there and instead of turning my car keeps going straight towards this old man and woman in an ugly old Centennial Stationwagon. I hit my brakes but it only slows me down and I ram into the old guys car with a thump. I back up and get out of the car and I look at his car and honestly see no damage whatsoever. He gets out and starts yelling at me demanding to get my name and insurance company information. I keep saying yes of course, I will get it, but what damage is there to claim? He finally stops yelling long enough to look at his bumper and I look too and sure enough, there is some paint from my car on his bumper and it may or may not be scratched.
So he goes back to yelling about my information and stuff like you hit me because you were talking on your phone, I will swear it on the bible!!
(Talking on a phone is not illegal here, nor was it the reason I wrecked, though I was talking on my phone)
So finally I get tired of listening to this old fucker yell and I inform him that he needs to call a police officer, he doesn't seem to want to do that, so I explain that I am finished talking with him and if he wants my information, I will give it to the police officer. I got in my car and sat there trying to entertain my son until the cops arrived.
The cop shows up and tells me to move my car to a parking space in the parking lot, I do and wait there until he arrives to talk to me.
He asks me to show him the damage to my bumper and I get out of my car and take two steps and step on a really slick spot and down I go WHAM on my ass. He asks if I am OK? Fine, fine. I get back up, take another step and this time I fell forward landing on and breaking my wrist.
The kind of break that you just KNOW is a break, and only need the XRAY to tell you how bad it is.
Me and my wife had 80.00 in the bank, and virtually no food for us or our baby in the house. So we have to decide whether to go to this Emergency Clinic nearby where they charge less than the ER for services, but demand an up front payment, or the more expensive ER, but are able to bill it all later. We had to go ER because, we must have food for our baby.
So I go, and it is broken.
Now, you might be thinking that a broken arm isn't the most tragic thing in the world, but this is a fucking nightmare. We have nothing in savings. We have a kind of reverse savings called old credit card debt (I don't recommend it.)
I work at a factory, without my hands, I can't work.
My family is so screwed.
Gorfob: Pretty sure the biggest TIFU is by living in a country where getting your arm set costs you money.
Jchamberlainhome: I think these kind of posts are just asking for an internet ass beating. WTF man. Go fuck your mother in your commie country.
countfenrir: So are you legitimately retarded or do you just like to pretend?
Jchamberlainhome: Are those really my only two options, or am I allowed to respond to asshole comments? Yours included dickhead.
countfenrir: No that's really about it. People who say shit as stupid as you do really haven't got any wiggle room there.
Jchamberlainhome: When did they get internet in your third world country anyway? Does it run on water buffalo power?
countfenrir: TIL America is a third world country.
Jchamberlainhome: Well you must not be from The States as you agree with the out of context bashing.
countfenrir: Born and raised in Georgia. Any other unfounded assumptions you'd like to make?
Jchamberlainhome: So as an American you feel comfortable defending a douche when they bash us? I guess it's your right.
countfenrir: Absolutely. The American medical system is terrible. A lot of things about America are. Don't get me wrong, I love my country, but that doesn't mean that it can't be improved drastically.
Jchamberlainhome: Well the grass is always greener in Canada. Try going there and enjoy that tax haven, or Briton. It ain't free just because its socialized.
Eagle1337: Canadian here, we don't really pay that much in taxes especially if you work around minimum wage.
Jchamberlainhome: So lower wages, less taxes, pretty much the same here. You actually get most of it back if you qualify for the earned income credit.
Eagle1337: But I can go to the doctors and get treated
Jchamberlainhome: So can we. Medical treatment is not a right here. It's not a privilege either, it's a service. Unfortunately even here we seem to get that confused and we start to get government involvement and all the sudden this service turns into a costly subsidy. There are limits to any service and they usually surround three factors, cost, time, and quality. If one of those factors (such as cost) is removed, the other two suffer. It's pure common sense.
My discussion here started with someone bashing the US. This is way too common and usually ends up with little or no response. It's gotten old, so now when I see it I respond. Who gives a shit about the negative responses or down votes. Most of these commenters have never been here and have no experience with the realities. So...they can go fuck their mothers. That's all I'm going to say to them.
| 17 | 3.470588 | |
1391605351 | 1391615230 | t3_1x2uf6 | t5_2to41 | 85 | shitonmydickandnips: TIFU by eating some beans.
I'm currently writing this bed-stricken, cold, and shaky after what can only be described as the lowest point of the last 5 years, if not 10.
It all began with food, as you'd expect. This particular food was leftover taco meat in a tortilla with some refried beans that I had opened previously.
I had quickly made myself a couple of burritos for lunch since I had class soon. So I chow them down and feel fine. In fact I don't start feeling something until I'm working out in the gym later but I disregard it.
I get home and all is well until around 4am when I wake up the most nauseous I have ever been and immediately run to the bathroom to vomit. After that business is fine I go back to bed, assuming it was a one time thing.
Nope. I'm back in the bathroom ten minutes later hunched over the toilet when I feel some rumbling in my gut. Uh oh.
I take a gamble and some shit squirts into my pants, obviously. So I plant my ass on the toilet and let it all out. Pure liquid.
While I'm sitting the smell of my liquid shit makes me throw up. All over the floor in front of the toilet. Fucking beans.
UPDATE: When I was writing this I was in bed at first but then moved to the bathroom around the time I wrote, "shit squirts into my pants" because I had to shit again.
Guess what happened? Something far worse.
Unbeknownst to me, the toilet had plugged in the aftermath of my incident. And this time I shat a lot more than before. So after I flush and get ready to move to throw up I see the toilets full of shit which makes me want to vomit all the more.
But I don't want to puke on the floor again so I hold it in my mouth as I waddle naked down the hallway to our second bathroom (thank god my roommates are all asleep). I don't make it all the way to the toilet in there and spew on the floor.
Fun fact , the contents of this vomit were the liquid gel capsules I took earlier so it made the puke look blue and slimey.
Anyways, I think I fucked up pretty good today. Updates coming in if anything worse happens.
LaLaBKS: Reset the counter!
(Hope you feel better.)
shitonmydickandnips: Thanks man. Got an appointment at the clinic in about 5. Hopefully I'll get some good stuff.
[deleted]: 5 whats?
shitonmydickandnips: Minutes.
| 5 | 17 | |
1391607491 | 1391709258 | t3_1x2wrx | t5_2to41 | 47 | MikeyMunnyshot: TIFU making breakfast
So I was making breakfast. Sunny side up eggs, toast, bacon, and sausage. I cracked the first egg and from moving my hand from the plate I cracked it on to the skillet, the egg slips out and lands on the stove. Of course I didn't see this happened and had a mind fuck moment where I thought I grabbed an un-cracked egg and the egg magically disappeared and I had imagined the weight of an uncracked egg because other people in my family are too lazy to throw away egg shells and put them back into the carton. Then I cracked a second egg into the pan and saw the first one laying on the stove. I try to clean it up with a paper towel and the yolk burst and splatted all over the place and some of the egg slid down beneath the electric burner. Completely pissed off I clean it up. And what do I do? Forget about the other egg I'm cooking and burn it. So after I've cleaned the stove and got rid of the burnt egg I was still SOMEHOW determined to make eggs even though I should have gave up and gone back to bed and cried but the sausage and bacon are already almost done and I just want a fucking egg with my breakfast so I proceed to make an egg. I cook it perfectly and everything went fine. Then I make my plate, sit down, begin by chowing down on the bacon and sausage. Then I go to cut the egg white. The egg is slippy from being cooked in butter and it slides towards the edge of my plate so I apply more force to cut it and what happens? The fruit of my labor, the egg, the sausage, and the last few pieces of bacon along with the toast, CATAPULT all over me and the floor. Where my dogs quickly ate everything. Never. Making. Breakfast. Again.
TL;DR: EGGS EVERYWHERE.
WPBDoc: Look at it this way...there's a HIGH likelihood that your day is going to get better. Thanks for the laugh!
DeliciousPumpkinPie: > HIGH
LOL I get it, 'cause OP was totes baked off his ass.
MikeyMunnyshot: I wish~.
| 4 | 11.75 | |
1391601425 | 1391648775 | t3_1x2qm2 | t5_2to41 | 4 | roberta60: TIFU being mean to a blind person...
I rode the bus to work this morning. It was almost full. the woman sitting in front of me made no attempt to move her purse and move over for people who needed to sit down. I thought she was just a self-absorbed selfish person. I pondered the psychology of self-absorption for the whole 15-minute ride. When it was her turn to get off, she stood up and was struggling with untangling something from the bottom of her seat. I thought "ha! serves you right that your purse strap is stuck!" A man got up and helped her untangle it. Then I saw it was the harness to her service dog and she was blind and I felt like a mean person! I didn't see the dog when I got on. I will do better in the future and not make assumptions about people when I can't see (literally!) the whole scenario!
binger5: Am I wrong to assume that she can tell how crowded the bus is through her heightened sense of hearing? I think she should have moved her purse to her lap. Blind or not, be a little more considerate.
fuk_dapolice: the dog was probably sitting in front of the empty seat. People would probably be too awkward to sit there anyway haha
roberta60: Yes, the dog was, indeed, sitting in front of the empty seat.
| 4 | 1 | |
1391613947 | 1391717878 | t3_1x35v4 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by having a great night out with the girl I'm in love with. Or so I thought. (warning: long rant)
**Just noticed the second part of the title doesn't really make sense. Whoops!**
I was (am) pretty much in love, I think, with this girl. We had some history, we dated, then I fucked up after which, unexpectedly, she reached out again. I took the chance with both my hands and tried to be myself for once instead of the casanova I thought I had to be -- man, did I get lucky! I was doing pretty well, at this point. We started clicking, making a lot of inside jokes in casual settings. I was ready to ask her out again when it turned out we were going to the same party. Sooo, change of plans. I talked to her about the party and she seemed pretty excited to meet up. Cool!
Now. At the same time I'm trying to do the whole "let's try to be *just friends*" thing with my ex. I broke up with her a couple of months earlier after a relationship of more than three years. I thought we were ready. I knew I was ready. Hell, there was no way in hell I was going to develop feelings again for her. I had already invested way too much time and effort in that relationship, but that didn't mean she had to become my enemy for life. I wasn't too sure about *her* feelings but I thought I had to give her a chance. So we pre-drank at my ex's place because of the free booze and food. She didn't even drink all that much, which I thought was weird. I pre-drank like there was no tomorrow, I really wanted to be the smooth guy that evening. And there's only one way to do that, right? Wine, beer, gin, some other heavy stuff I can't even remember. In hindsight, things were getting out of hand right then and there. It wasn't very pretty.
We head out to the party. I meet with my crush pretty much immediately and the flirting is pretty good, indeed, *smooth*. At some point in the evening my ex starts this huge ramble about some stuff I didn't even care about in the slightest. I go "whatever" and turn to my crush again. She recognized my ex from my Facebook and actually changed the topic to her. I started suspecting she was a bit impressed by my ex, so I'm feeling pretty confident at this point. Memories are already quite fuzzy now, but I remember escalating by dropping "You *know* I'm gonna ask you out again, right?" in a very 'as if that needs to be pointed out' tone. She responds enthusiastically, at this point I just need to seal the deal and get physical.
Which I don't. For some reason I don't want to hasten things and head off to somewhere else in the venue, planning to go back to her a bit later in the evening. Things are getting *really* foggy now, there's some talking with my ex again, I'm having fun with my friends and the next thing I know I'm at home trying to get the fucking door open. Whoops, whatever.
I wake up and check my cell phone. She had texted me pretty much the moment I left, which was definitely a good sign. "You're gone already?" "Man", I say to myself, "I really missed an opportunity there. Alright, no harm done, time to escalate stuff again."
I respond: "That was a great evening. [Inside joke]. Did you stay much longer?" No answer. Weird. I'm still in a pretty social vibe from the evening before so I start texting some friends. Same kind of texts.
* "Great evening!"
* "What do you mean? Great evening or really weird evening?"
* "Err, great evening. Why?"
* "You honestly can't remember?"
At this point I'm starting to panic a bit.
* "Err, remember what?"
* "You made out with your ex for quite a while, apparently. [Another friend] even saw you leaving with her."
I honestly wished I could launch myself to the moon at this point and stay there for at least month. Still denying the truth, I call up the friend in question and he confirms immediately. "Did she see?" I instantly ask. "How should I know, I don't even know who your crush is. Considering how much people there were at the place, chances are pretty small. I wouldn't immediately worry about it."
I should have worried. Her 4 am text was the last thing I ever heard from her, and it's been a while. So now I'm not only the guy that can't even be loyal *outside* a relationship, to the girl he obviously digs, but also the guy that pretty much tries to cover it up immediately like nothing even happened (through my text). And I know there's no way I can talk myself out of it. I wouldn't even mind being rejected *that* terribly if it wasn't for the way it happened. How I wish I could at least *remember* what I did, because in that case I maybe could've stopped it before it actually happened.
Writing this down has been quite therapeutic. If anyone's still reading at this point, thanks I guess! I want to hear I can still fix this, but what I actually need to hear is that I need to get over her already. Because it's the truth.
WPBDoc: Seriously, can someone help me understand the thrill of getting blackout drunk? I read these stories here every week -- sleeping with someone they don't like, hurting their SO, cheating on a spouse -- all while "blackout" drunk. Is there an upside to drinking that much?
Source: Never been blackout drunk.
CrystalValkyrie: I don't understand it either. One of my exes got blackout drunk and I broke up with him over what he said.
If you can't control yourself enough to not get blackout drunk then I don't really want to be with you. Then they act like it just happened to them. No, their hand lifted the drink to their mouth.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1391616504 | 1392001443 | t3_1x3a93 | t5_2to41 | 101 | Dende1127: TIFU by talking to my now Ex GF's parents about us moving into our own place.
Ok so this didn't happen last night, it was on 2/1/14. Back story is two weeks ago my best friends 15 year old little brother who I have known since he was 8 hung himself with a necktie. I am 23 years old and this news absolutely crushed me. My gf at the time was with me when I heard the news and tried to comfort me. She had go go home that night though because her parents have very strict rules. A week passes and I have been so depressed im beginning to have depressed thoughts and actions. Not getting out of bed, no appetite, nothing. My ex gf is 19 almost 20 and has been introverted and sheltered her whole life. Her not being there for me emotionally was not that much of a surprise but I began to feel even more lonely and she started retreating into her bubble. Her moving out has been a discussion for months but she does not want to upset her mom by doing so. She noticed I was getting more depressed and decided we were going to speed up the process and just use our tax returns to get an apartment because we thought we were ready to start our lives together. Well I went to her moms house on the 1st and all I can say is I walked into a disaster. My ex told her mom her point and I backed her up by saying I would appreciate a let up on the rules so that she could stay over more and prepare for getting a place while at the same time satisfying my needs for attention and affection while grieving. Her mom did not want to hear us talking about that and resulted in her mom ordering me to get the fuck out of her house and her stepdad threatening to kick my ass. She said nothing the entire time. She just sat there and let everything go down, while all I was trying to do was defend myself and the woman I loved. I left though, got home and when she finally messaged me it was as bad as I thought it would be. Her mom had convinced her that I was not worth it and our relationship was over. I have been a mess for days reddit. I wish I could just go back in time and stay at home and just deal with the pain alone. I would still have my potential wife and a shred of happiness.
TL;DR Ex gf wanted to talk to parents about moving into a place with me, resulted in me getting kicked out and my 2 year long relationship ending.
Kavika: It may be hard to believe with all the good memories and sugar coating going on in your mind but she wasn't worth it. She would have disappointed you down the line somehow because you clearly weren't a priority for her, her security was more important.
Dende1127: as much as I want that to not be true I understand. I have a good job and life going I just crave the comfort of someone else to share it with. Thank you for your thoughts and time.
thaicares: I have the opposite! so what is the good job?
Dende1127: Team Lead Project Coordinator for Hewlett Packard
thaicares: Wow.... didn't expect to be this impressed! Although I don't care too much for HP, but I am picky, still pretty cool
Dende1127: I dont care much for HP either but I am 23 and run my own project so i wont complain! =D
Valenmere: Have them fix the Bluetooth windows 8.1 issues!
Dende1127: Go to the website and download the Drivers, http://www8.hp.com/us/en/drivers.html
Just put in your model number and download the new bluetooth drivers. I was having the same issue with my wireless dropping on my ASUS g46.
| 9 | 11.222222 | |
1391622671 | 1391759472 | t3_1x3lgt | t5_2to41 | 100 | squirt-verduras: TIFU by sneezing on my period
I am on my period and have a cold. I was in the bathroom getting ready to take a shower so I was completely naked. I sneezed and blood (the mucus kind) basically shot out of my who-ha and went all down my legs and all over the rug. Kind of horrific, mostly impressive.
skatterbug: You have a very conveniently apt username.
Cougs67: I don't get it, squirt vegetables?
skatterbug: Well, squirt is obvious, but Verdura is a river in Sicily. So squirt a river I guess. Really it was more the squirt part that was apt, given that it's not a throwaway for this specific post.
Cougs67: Oh ok. The squirt part I got, but verduras was throwing me off
skatterbug: You just thought about it too much. Sometimes not thinking is the key.
Cougs67: Haha guess I'm off to smoke a bowl then...
| 7 | 14.285714 | |
1391637605 | 1391878056 | t3_1x4dq2 | t5_2to41 | 30 | ODSTALCAPWNED: TIFU by wearing a neon green shirt.
I was getting dressed. I just woke up and was still pretty tired, and didn't feel like picking out an outfit. So I just grabbed the first things I saw, which was a pair of sweatpants and an ugly, bright neon green shirt. Were there other shirts? sure, and if I felt like being picky, or even trying to look good, I would have chosen another one. but I really didn't. Besides, nobody really cares about what I wear most of the time. so I went to school in a pair of sweats and a bright neon green shirt.
At school I got a few stares, but I wasn't surprised. I mean seriously, I look like a fucking *munchkin*, why wouldn't people notice? right before 4th block, a friend of mine said, "Dude, your wearing neon? the school is having a blackout day, and you're wearing a fucking neon green shirt?" there was an awkward pause, and we both laughed, even though I had no idea what he was talking about. I said "i'm different!" and laughed, since i thought he was joking. But, after he left, I started noticing that people really *were* wearing all black. The only real reason I could come up with was that it was a spirit day or something.
Then, right before lunch, I learned how badly I fucked up. I was talking to one of my friends, and noticed that he was kinda down. Usually, he's a really energetic guy, but today he wasn't laughing, or dancing around, or even *smiling*. I asked him why he was so sad. He told me that 2 students had committed suicide at a nearby school. Huh? I didn't know about this. Then of course, I don't use social media that often. I told him I had no idea what he was talking about and he said "well, didn't you notice everyone was wearing black?"
So, yeah. My school was wearing all black to grieve the death of two innocent kids, and i decided to wear a bright neon green shirt. Today I Fucked Up.
foofie99: Huh you go to McLean high school right? The 2 kids were from Langley?
ODSTALCAPWNED: well,actually, im from CMS.
foofie99: cooper middle school?
ODSTALCAPWNED: yup.
| 5 | 6 | |
1391649586 | 1391651895 | t3_1x4yyq | t5_2to41 | 12 | Archdemonic: TIFU By Getting Mildly Intoxicated With Alcohol and Getting Into An Altercation, This Was Last Night, but It's Pretty Big, Mostly Because The Cops Intervened A Little
You see, normally, I don't drink alcohol, usually. My best friend from freaking Junior High, well he just got dumped and he was upset, it was fairly serious and she basically took all the times they had together and dumped him.
Bros before hoes, as the saying goes, and he was my bro, not my genetics but by friendship, it's magic **I'm not gay, it's true**
That's harsh, being dumped like that, so we decided, "What the heck" and went to a bar. I didn't drink that much, really, I was able to walk and talk coherently. Anyway, we were doing the normal thing, drinking and talking.
Basically, this guy was being totally irrational and we tried to be the voice of reason, but he wouldn't have it. He seemed quite drunk, and we tried to you know, defuse the situation. It just kept escalating, and me and my friend have a code word for when it's about to hit the fan, and we gotta stick together to get out of it. We've had to use it before, not necessarily for fights, but generally for times we've had to get out of messed up situations that required our teamwork.
Anyway, he used the code word, and I said the code word to, to signify I knew what had to go down. **It was time to FIGHT** and my friend threw the first punch. It was a pretty good choice, a sucker punch to the head.
My friend's fairly strong, I'm not gonna lie, I've always been white and nerdy, but I can tap into raw aggression fairly easily. Anyway, I give our assailant some credit **He took a lot of punishment** I mean, dang, he looked fairly average but I was surprised just how fast he recovered from that punch and he went into a frenzy attack. I swear, if we didn't outnumber him 2:1 we might not have survived, he was a tank to be sure.
The cops eventually split us up, they actually had to zap the guy because he just wouldn't back down, even to a cop, me and my friend know when to quit. Still, we got in some trouble for the fight, but I think on an idealistic level, we won. To be fair, we probably only got out of it because apparently, the cop knows our family and they're pretty close.
I don't really have any major injuries from the fight, I think I have a few bruises and my knuckles are kind of sore. To be fair, my friend did most of the fighting and I tried just to get in some tactical punches and kicks to the weaker areas.
I actually talked to my friend about posting this on /r/TIFU and he said, and I quote, "Oh, fuck yeah we could totally post this shit on Reddit, this is one of the most wild nights of my life, man, you remember that time with that Spanish girl and the parents? oh I almost shit my pants..."
He went on talking, you get the idea, we've had some crazy times, I told you, friends since Junior High.
**TL;DR Version**: My friend was going through a tough time, we went to a bar, **shit hit the fan** and we had to enforce some rough justice, cops intervened, zapped our opponent, we didn't go to the slammer, I'm not majorly injured. In a movie, we'd be the heroes and this would be our triumph, I still fucked up by I guess... agreeing to drink alcohol, I'm not sure
**ROLL CREDITS!!!**
Haerdune: I kind of want to hear about the time with the Spanish girl and the parents now.
DeepGrilledEggs: So do I...
| 3 | 4 | |
1391652727 | 1391789072 | t3_1x54b9 | t5_2to41 | 447 | [deleted]: TIFU by screaming "NO" to my girlfriend.
Alright, so, my girlfriend and I are into some pretty kinky play. We're both versatile so sometimes she's the dominant one, other times I'm the dominant one. It's turned out to be very good for our sex life.
Now, we both moved in together two weeks ago and the house is a little bit off in the woods which is great. Lots of privacy, we can be as loud as we want, and it's very safe... so we didn't think to lock the doors.
Friends helped us unpack enough to be able to stay the first night and then we had the house to ourselves. Naturally, we wanted to christen the new house, so she opened up our box of sin. She started leading me around the house on a leash and finally told me what a little slut I had been and put on her strap on. She lubed it up and went to town on me, and when she asked if I wanted her to stop, I screamed "No!".
Little did I know family wanted to visit us and see if we needed help... so my father, a veteran with 30 years in the Marines, came bursting into the room to make sure I was OK... with my mother and her parents in tow looking very worried.
They gasped in horror and quickly shuffled back to the car, not saying a word. The worst part? I'm a guy. My father still hasn't spoken to me.
***Edit: Time to answer some questions. I posted this and went right to sleep.***
Alright, my family usually has a 'knock first' policy, so what I think happened is that they let themselves into the house to see if we needed help unpacking. We didn't answer because we were clearly in the moment an didn't hear them knocking -- there's no doorbell yet. There was also pizza left on the kitchen table that I imagine they brought over since we had such a long day moving. The odds are, also, that on your first day in a house you aren't going to be getting fucked by your girlfriend with a strap on, but I digress.
I'm just glad this happened when I can avoid the family for a while. No big holidays coming up except Easter and I usually dip out on that anyway. As for not locking the door in general, it's out in the woods off the beaten path. I grew up in the same type of situation so I normally don't lock doors.
No, I didn't finish.
PS: Yes, I'm a big gay homo for taking it up the ass from my girlfriend who has a (fantastic) vagina. Flawless logic. I'm having the best sex of my life and you're just sitting there masturbating.
spacepuppy69: Maybe someday people'll realize it's not gay to take it up the ass. Not being sarcastic, either. I'm gay, I put the right guy in in there somrtimes, knock out thr bats, but I'm gay cuz I like dick. You obviously like the vag, therefore, you are straight (or bi, I dunno what you like, chill out bro [jk :)]).
Radico87: Yes, it's not gay to take a commercial penis up the ass if you're a guy. Not at all. Nothing conceivably gay about that scenario.
spacepuppy69: You're right! I'm glad you caught on! Anal stimulation is perfectly normal for straight men, and seeing as he wasn't having gay sex, I'm pretty sure he's not gay.
Radico87: Precisely. Nothing gay about wanting a thing that happens to be a penis in your ass.
spacepuppy69: Hm. Pretty sure his girlfriend wasn't born with one of those, maybe if you'd re-read the story you wouldn't sound like a dumbfuck.
Radico87: Strap ons are an artificial analog for a penis, sweetheart. Also he's being rammed in the ass. It's gay.
But if you want to cry about big bad straight insensitive jerk, then go ahead.
spacepuppy69: I don't cry over little bitches, straight or not. You're a motherfucking dumbass if you think it's gay to want something in the ass. I mean, seriously? Do you not understand the human body OR mind at all? Sorry Mr. big bad straight insensitive jerk, that's what is called a rhetorical question.
Radico87: Yup, having someone wear a strap on and actually thrust you in the ass from behind is gay. Don't get so upset, you might start leaking.
spacepuppy69: I'm sorry, but is "you might start leaking" an insult? Because it makes absolutely no sense.
And sorry, sweetheart, but you can say it as often as you want. Still won't make it true.
Radico87: ... Massaging a prostate is different than getting humped in the ass with a strap on. I understand that in your world it's probably true that getting humped in the ass is normal, but to the nongay it's gay. Or at the very least, bi.
However since you're not astute enough to make that connection, I doubt you wrapped your head around a leaky ass.
spacepuppy69: Who said anything about a prostate massage? Oh, wait- no one except you, right? And you're correct !In my world, assfucking is pretty regular and normal. Damn is it nice. You see, what makes me gay is the fact that I like dick and the people it's attached to. There are two examples of dicks, very different; one is a common nickname for the male genitalia, while the other is a common nickname for you. But you're so astute, I'm sure you knew that.
And let's be real here. I don't know any gay man with a leaky ass. I'm sure you'd know that's nowhere near normal if you actually knew anything about anal sex. But, because you aren't astute enough to know, I'll tell you what a gay man is.
A gay man is someone that has romantic or sexual feelings exclusively for men. Seeing as OP didn't express anything like that, only liking anal sex involving his girlfriend (a girl is someone who generally has tits and a vagina) using a strap on, he's very obviously not gay. Understand, or need more explanation?
Radico87: ... Massaging prostate accelerates the male orgasm. That's the only reason a straight guy would take something up his butt.
You'll notice I said "at the very least, bi"... If you have a child's reading comprehension abilities. Unless your womanly tendencies manifest in selective reading/hearing too.
But keep rambling, princess.
| 13 | 34.384615 | |
1391635314 | 1391731895 | t3_1x49f9 | t5_2to41 | 37 | Roark_Laughed: TIFU trying to remove cookie crumbs from my keyboard.
Today is Wednesday which also means it's cheat day so as a reward to myself for working out all week and sticking with my cut diet I purchased myself a nice delicious warm peanut butter cookie from my favorite bakery.
Normally I eat snacks while driving but this cookie wasn't just some snack, it was THEE snack and like all thee snacks this cookie had to be eaten in the comfort of my own home while browsing Reddit where nobody could judge me for treating a baked cookie like a gift from Aphrodite herself.
My preparation was flawless. I kicked off my chucks with the elegance of a rhinoceros and unwrapped my golden gift from it's clingy binds with the grace of a Capuchin monkey. It's nutty aroma quickly overwhelmed my senses and for a split second I understood what it truly meant to be in love. In that time nothing else existed but the two of us. I snapped myself out of my induced stupor and opened up my laptop and searched for the perfect thread to eat to. Cool license plates? No. B.J Novac AMA? Hehe "BJ". DMX to Fight George Zimmerman in a boxing match? Perfect.
The first bite was heavenly and the second bite, even better. But the third bite... that damned third bite ruined everything. I must have coughed or exhaled too hard because before I know it a barrage of peanut butter hellfire rained down onto my keyboard. I was devastated because the moment had been ruined but adrenaline quickly kicked in and Operation Clean Slate was thrown into effect. I spun my laptop upside down and patted it's backside like a choking toddler. Some crumbs made it out but not nearly enough to put my mind to ease. I knew what had to be done. The only thing that could be done. I placed my laptop on my desk and lowered myself until my mouth was at the same level. I inhaled as much air as possible and then blew.
Do you want to know what came out of my mouth guys? Do you want a prime example as to why I am not even sure how iv'e managed to keep myself alive for 21 years? Here it is. It was cookie crumbs. I had been chewing on a bite of cookie while all of this went down. In an attempt to rid my laptop of crumbs I had only made the situation a million times worse. I can't even explain the deep dark feeling that overcame my heart while I watched those cookie crumbs eject from my mouth and into the maze of crevices that is my keyboard.
I would be lying if I said I didn't want to cry. I would be lying if I said I didn't take apart my keyboard and replace it with a new one for the simple fact that it had betrayed me. I fucked up guys. I fucked up.
BBoxall: They make compressed air keyboard cleaners bro
GravityChanges: ..but, but he'll never get those crumbs back!
| 3 | 12.333333 | |
1391658095 | 1391664370 | t3_1x5dgy | t5_2to41 | 11 | rocketman500: TIFU by microwaving a bag of hot cheetos
Hey reddit I f'd up. I bought a bag of hot cheetos earlier. I live in a dorm if that adds any context, but I digress. I put the cheetos in the microwave just for storage because you don't put them in the refrigerator . So just about thirty minutes ago I come back with a crunchwrap supreme from taco bell. It was kinda cold since I got it an hour ago so I decide to warm it up. As I was enjoying the crunchwrap I think to myself, those hot chips would go pretty good with this crunchwrap. Cue the most Rocky Dennised bag of cheetos you will ever see. Cheetos are fine just a little warm. I hope smoke detector doesn't go off. http://imgur.com/ZzBwAm1 http://imgur.com/990a3Zz http://imgur.com/YAqpun4 edit: I put metal detector instead of smoke detector
twoscoop: Metal detector?
rocketman500: Oh shit. I meant smoke detector. Thanks
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1391666560 | 1391819114 | t3_1x5q8d | t5_2to41 | 283 | [deleted]: TIFU by spilling paint in my girlfriend's car.
I helped my girlfriend buy her first car recently, and I'm teaching her to drive. I've been borrowing the car for the past month for a few reasons.
She's a very clean person. She throws a fit when I leave crumbs on the floor. I can't even leave a damned gatorade bottle in the back seat without her bitching about it. Needless to say: she likes her car clean.
Today my mother had me pick up some cans of paint from my aunt's house. I put them in the trunk. The fucking caps were on them.
Well, when I went to take them out I see a huge puddle of brown paint all over one side of the carpeting, and a lot of it got on the spare tire, some of my bicycle stuff, some bags of cleaners (irony), and God knows what else that I've been too afraid to check on.
Kill me.
PixelOrange: If it's metal, you can just scratch most of it off with some elbow grease (don't use metal on metal or you'll scratch everything up, use something like your fingernail or a soft rag).
If it's on fabric, it'll stink like a son of a bitch but you can use paint thinner to help get it up.
Warning: Paint thinner may also stain. So be careful.
Augenmann: Use stains to remove stains? Seems legit.
hulagirl4737: White wine removes red wine stains, so maybe he is on to something.
jamesonSINEMETU: really?
hulagirl4737: Yep. I've one done it when the red was still wet,and it came right out of a white Hirt and carpet
jamesonSINEMETU: that's some interesting shit right there.
| 7 | 40.428571 | |
1391687602 | 1391696610 | t3_1x68wg | t5_2to41 | 253 | Rodondo1: TIFU by reading a dream journal of a classmate
HardKnockRiffe: Why did you continue to read it aloud? You got through all three dreams aloud before realizing maybe you shouldn't have done it? You didn't fuck up, you're just an asshole.
Rodondo1: They told me to continue, it was either me continuing or they'd have taken the paper and read it themselves. I shouldn't have taken it full stop. I realise this now.
HardKnockRiffe: So not only are you an asshole, you're a spineless asshole who can't take a stand against his friends...nice.
origiins: Typical Reddit. He realises his mistake and knows he shouldn't have done it, hindsight proves that. But yet you still feel the need to try and make him feel like shit for. He already feels like shit for it if you can't read/are too lazy to read the above.
So stop being an asshole, it ain't going to get you far.
HardKnockRiffe: He continued to read through the ENTIRE thing. Aloud. He could have stopped, but didn't. His intent was malicious.
origiins: Yes but as he said it was either he read it out loud or his friends would have took it from him.
HardKnockRiffe: Hence the spineless comment. What he did, he did with intent. He didn't fuck up, he intentionally humiliated this girl. The fact that his friends would have taken the paper doesn't matter.
origiins: He never humiliated her. If you look at my comment further down you would know that she has no clue about this. We read the thing at break on our own making sure there was no one about. We thought the thing would have contain her dreams about being out with her boyfriend and not going to uni. If we knew what it was about we not have read it.
HardKnockRiffe: She doesn't need to know about it for him to humiliate her. She may not *feel* humiliated due to her ignorance of the situation, but what he did was humiliating to her nonetheless. Regardless of what he *thought* was in the book, he should have stopped after realizing what it was.
| 10 | 25.3 | |
1391716864 | 1391735325 | t3_1x7fvo | t5_2to41 | 212 | CrystalValkyrie: TIFU with ether
So this is my boss' and my TIFU. Not all my fault.
It is very cold in Wyoming right now, -35* this morning. I work on a ranch, and our work trucks are old. I got there at 8, and went to start the hay truck we use to to feed the horses with. It turned over, but wouldn't catch. My boss came out, and we worked on it for an hour, blowing warm air into the intake, and jumping it. It was just so cold there were no gas fumes to catch. Our next option was ether. We grabbed a can and tried it, but not even ether worked.
We are now two hours into our work day and absolutely nothing has been accomplished. Our extremities are very cold, and we're running out of options. My boss says he has one more idea and runs off. He returns with a big bottle of propane, with a wand attached that produced hot flames. He asked if this was safe, and I said no. I was worried he would melt something.
Now my boss is ex Amish, and they have a bad habit of ignoring whatever women say.
He ignored me and held the torch to the intake while I cranked it.
I went to the front of the truck, and I saw smoke drifting up. Slowly my boss became more and more agitated. He's very Christian, so his curse words consisted of "shucks" and "shoot". Then he started cursing in low German. Suddenly he started scrambling every which way. He poured a mug of water over the intake cover, and shoved snow up it.
I had picked up the fire wand and I slowly dragged the propane back, holding my breath, waiting for it to explode.
Thank the gods, it didn't. That cold, I guess. But if it had, it would have been nasty. My new truck was parked next to it, and there was lots of hay on the bed.
The air filter is toasted(literally), nice and black. And four hours of our busy work day gone.
Tl;dr-flame then ether. Not the other way around.
Aboot_: Gasoline shouldn't be affected by those temperatures. However there may have been some water in the fuel system that kept the gas from flowing properly. Or the air filter had some moisture in it that had frozen and blocked. It could also be the spark pugs/ spark plug wiring. Lots of different things to blame. Engines are weird.
Anyways, glad to hear that you are ok.
Just as a tip for next time though, (I may be wrong but hey) I doubt that heating the air going into the intake will help anything (unless your air filter is frozen).
Also, did you smell gasoline strongly from the exhaust?
CrystalValkyrie: Thanks!! Neither of us are great mechanics. I smelled gas coming from somewhere, I don't know if it was the exhaust or not.
Aboot_: If you were smelling gas it was probably an electrical problem. If the spark plugs don't work then the gas will not get ignited but it will still be pushed through the exhaust pipes if the engine was turning over but not starting.
CrystalValkyrie: Well it warmed up enough, they got a new air filter, and drove it into the barn haha. So idk what happened!
| 5 | 42.4 | |
1391716808 | 1391800004 | t3_1x7fra | t5_2to41 | 1,294 | porcubot: TIFU realized an hour late I was scheduled to work today
I work part-time at a retailer, and somehow I had convinced myself that I was scheduled to work tomorrow, not today. I always take pictures of the schedule on my phone, so when I checked to see when I was working tomorrow I realized my mistake an hour too late. I called to explain myself, and they said they'd found someone to cover the shift.
God *dammit.*
c00kieee: That sucks that they took the time to call someone else rather than call you to see if you were ok and on your way or coming in at all.
wraith313: Part time. Retailer. They don't care. He's lucky they didn't fire him. Actually, I'd bet money they fire him next time he goes in to work. They usually won't tell you that you have been fired until you show up, then they kind of ambush you with it.
Raveynfyre: They have to, some people in retail are crazy bug-nuts.
*edit I type English good.*
wraith313: I know. I worked retail for years. The thing is, theyll fire you for anything. They have a stack of applications a mile long. They can replace you, literally, in the time it takes to make one phone call, even the day of. I've seen a guy get fired and a new guy take his spot the DAY he messed up. Same shift. It was crazy.
CloudWolf40: Surely you have to train people up on tills, stock, all that stuff though?
mildlyAttractiveGirl: It doesn't take long, and there are *plenty* of people willing to do it.
CloudWolf40: I believe you that this happens but i dont understand why.
Why do people who think its preferable to write off an existing employee than try and get them to not make the mistake again?
Just keep hiring and firing people until a someone who never makes a mistake comes around?
RenaKunisaki: If you keep someone around too long, you start having to give them benefits. It's cheaper to just replace them every few months.
Zoltrahn: What? No you don't. As long as they are part time, you don't have to give them anything except minimum wage.
shortfermata: Hi there! Am in BC, Canada. Part-timers get benefits here after a year or so of working. At least at the retailer I work at. Not sure if that's province-wide or by company, but I can confirm that some have been terminated just before having worked there a year.
Zoltrahn: Here I am being a typical American, forgetting there are other countries than my own. That seems like a strange policy/law that would make situations like yours very common.
shortfermata: That's alright! At least you've realized so quite gracefully.
I'm lucky enough to be part of a retailer that tries to care more about their employees than not (aka not WalMart), but like it's been mentioned, we are aware that if we make too big of a mistake we are easily replaced by any of the thousands of applications they have in their system.
Thankfully, there aren't too many big mistakes you can make where I work and I stay clear of them.
Hope the rest of your day goes well!
| 13 | 99.538462 | |
1391721434 | 1391731555 | t3_1x7o7s | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU, I Made The Cliche Mistake They Make in Horror Movies of Going Into the Woods AT NIGHT It REALLY Hit the Fan
Me and my friend were just hanging out, and I swear we heard a really loud, **"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH"** coming from the woods, we both were startled, and of course we were curious. It sounded like a woman's scream, and she sounded like she **really** was in trouble, I could hear the panic in her voice
In hindsight, I was tired, maybe that had an effect on my common sense. Anyway, I asked if we should you know, check it out because someone might be hurt.
My friend said, "Oh fuck no, whatever made that bitch be screaming her ass off could be some kind of bear, I am not going to go wrestle a bear to get laid" let me just mention I didn't even bring up the topic of sex.
Anyway, I insisted that we'd want someone to help us if we were her. He replied, "Don't worry about it bro, the cops will probably check it out, they'll clean up her corpse" my gosh my friend isn't very... optimistic.
I told him that I'd just go alone and try to see what it was. **My friend was right, I should have stayed home, I don't know why I wanted to be the hero.**
I went into the woods, I didn't even think to carry a weapon, I just had a flashlight. I swear, I fucking swear I heard **something** and it scared me so much oh my gosh, it sounded like something **big** and **close** I got scared, ended up running for my very life.
**My heart was beating so fast, oh my gosh I was scared**
I screamed and not in a masculine way, **"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH FUCKING SHIT SHIT HELP PLEASE FUCKING SHOOT IT"** you think in a situation you'd be brave, but I was too scared to think coherently, I glanced behind me and I didn't see anything. My friend saw the whole fucking thing, I mean it, he was laughing **hard** when I got to the house, "Oh man, you were such a motherfucking pussy, did you hear he way your **skinny white ass screamed**, oh that was hilarious"
**TL;DR Version**: Don't go into the woods at night, it's a bad idea.
WPBDoc: Wow..."Pussy" doesn't even begin to describe you.
Archdemonic: I don't deny that, and believe me sometimes flight is better than fight.
superluke: Dude - You can *fly?*
Archdemonic: If I could, I would and write a book called, "I Believe I Can FLLLYYY"
| 5 | 0.4 | |
1391731594 | 1391883701 | t3_1x86gr | t5_2to41 | 341 | TipMeDogeCoin: TIFU: by standing in line behind a mannequin
So today I went shopping at my local mall. I saw a Hollister store and since I've never been to one I decided to try it out. I was immediately surprised by the lighting of the store and was slightly confused. I picked out a couple of items and went to the check out to find someone was already in front of me. I was on my phone and unaware of what was happening but patiently I waited for the person ahead of me to go. A line started to form behind me and I heard whispers and murmurs of teenagers saying "is the bitch fur real?"... This bitch was fur real... I became aware that the person ahead of me was a mannequin and I was was holding up the line. The cashier was snickering as well as people behind me as I quietly payed for my items and got the fuck out that unlighted walk-in-closet named Hollister.
jplayer01: Wow, that's just incredibly rude. It's a small mistake.
IntrinsicSurgeon: Teenagers seem to like to be assholes to strangers in front of their friends.
grubbguy: Because for some reason everyone wants to be tuff.
| 4 | 85.25 | |
1391734777 | 1391825823 | t3_1x8bru | t5_2to41 | 24 | momsdayprepper: TIFU by posting a nude to Snapchat Story instead of having it deleted it.
So to preface this, me and this girl have been talking for about a month or so. She's pretty great, although she's very sensitive about her body. Not that she isn't confident, just that she's very touchy on pictures and doesn't like to reveal any more than herself in a towel (not even bra and panties shots, which is super respectable and not a complaint).
Because I thought it would be funny to tease her, I decided to be a bit of a jerk. When we were done having our fun, she got out of bed to check her phone about work the next day. While she got up, I whipped out my phone, went to snapchat, put ON flash, and took a picture.
I put flash on because I wanted her to know I was taking it. It was not going to go anywhere, and I was going to delete it immediately. However, upon seeing the flash, her primal instincts kicked in. She turned around screeching "DELETE IT!" like a banshee, and then proceeded to lunge at me full speed. In one fell swoop she pushed me onto the bed, punched me, and grabbed at my phone.
For some reason, I fought back. I knew she wasn't going to do anything but delete it, but for whatever reason I sort of jerked my arm back and it pulled the phone down as she was swiping at the little "X" in the corner of the screen to permanently delete the photo. In our struggle, we somehow slapped the phone out of both of our hands and on to the ground.
When we picked the phone up, there was nothing on the screen except for my Snapchat friends list and the many updated stories. We figured it had been deleted, I explained to her I was kidding and immediately apologized because I didn't realize just HOW serious she was about the "no pics" rule, and then we cuddled and got back to bed.
Here is where I fucked up. Unbeknownst to me, what had ACTUALLY happened was somewhere in our tussle, one of us had actually hit the "story" button. When the phone hit the ground, it posted it to "My Snapchat Story" which for the uninitiated is pretty much a snapchat that you and your friends can open as much as you want for 24 hours to look at and enjoy. By not checking it, I left the nude of her (since the flash was on she turned around and I got a full body shot with NO FACE thank jesus) up on my story for 5 hours through the whole night.
Luckily, I woke up at 6:30 AM to a text from a rather crass friend saying "I see yu gettin dat pussy bro!", which instantly alerted me to what had gone wrong. I deleted it immediately, but still, a couple people saw it and this girl is NOT happy with me.
I think I can salvage this one, because I told her before anyone else did and apologized immediately, but today I *FUCKED* up, reddit, and that was how it went. At least the dog house she put me in has an internet connection.
**TL;DR: Snapped a photo of a girl, wrestled with the phone, and accidentally posted her naked body to my Snapchat for around 5 hours.**
friedjumboshrimp: Picture or it didn't happen.
nutshells: Why are people so okay with this? Its so disrespectful to the OP, fuck.
dralcax: It's called a fucking joke.
| 4 | 6 | |
1391735724 | 1391744970 | t3_1x8ddb | t5_2to41 | 58 | shouldoffinishedhim: TIFU by smacking-down a co-worker.
Throwaway account.
So a couple of people from my work have been bullying me for a while, A lot of verbal abuse mostly, picking on me for my age, previous jobs, my height. (I'm smaller than the average guy yea but I'm no midget for fuck sake!!) Unfortunately there is no getting away from these guys because we all have to work in the same workshop day in day out.
The main problem is they both have smart mouths and the quickest and most brutal of comebacks, individually they are not so bad, its just when they get together its seems they gain this "pack" mentality and there is nothing i can do to stop them.
I've tried playing it off like it doesn't matter and I've tried even making friends with them because i figure if they realise we all have to work together maybe they will let up...no good.
I've also been struggling with depression for a few years now, come about through past experiences of trying to get my life off the ground and having them not work out the way i planned. I don't want to talk about my past, I don't want someone figuring out who i am.
So i tried a few different paths to get my life started but nothing panned out and they really knocked my confidence, I moved back home for once last chance at really rooting myself in and getting a job that i knew i could do and promised myself that i would finish this shit or die trying, but these cunts have made it difficult, so difficult in fact that my girlfriend said that i should go and see a psychologist to get some coping strategies, medication and talk through my depression and feelings. I should also note that I have no confidence in the systems put in place at work to handle these issues because I've been through them before at other work places and nothing has ever changed.
So now to the punch up. (I'm not really a fighter by the way but i know how to handle myself, its a good skill to have.) We were sitting out side having lunch when these guys start arcing up and talking shit, I was in a bad mood that day and really sick and tired of it all. There was no one else around and as we got up to go back to work i confronted one of the guys who is about 6 foot tall (I'm a full head shorter). He had this dumb grin on his face as if he knew something was going to happen and that he was all over it. I stepped into his space and shot up my right hand so quick he didn't even close his eyes! At first i thought i hadn't made much of an impact but when my brain had caught up with me i realised id landed a really solid hit and before he could throw one back i grabbed him round the head with both arms tucked my right leg under his and threw him to the ground. Once there i slipped one hand behind his head and started choking him out. I never even realised till after that no one else was helping me or him they were all too stunned, after a few more seconds though we got pulled apart and that was that. He got a few stitches in his lip and i got a lot of blood on my shirt.
The rest is all stuff like interviews with the boss and boring shit so il just cut to the chase. I've been "suspended" from work till next week and then I'l find out if i still have a job, I'm not too fussed though i have parents who support me and are glad that i stuck up for myself (They had no idea i was getting bullied.) A girlfriend who earns twice as much as i did who said she will keep me afloat if i do get fired and I just couldn't care less if i never see these fuckers again.
Moral of the story for me: Strike Hard, Strike Fast, No Mercy!!!!
TL;DR: Bully got exactly what he deserved and I'm probably going to have get another job. Also an adrenalin rush is the best feeling ever.
tryptonite12: That's a damn fine way to get an assault charge on your record, maybe go to jail. Your coworker still may choose to sue you, and they likely could win. The whole physically attacking people who verbally harase you thing has to stop after high school. I can guarantee you that you don't have a job anymore, so you may want to start looking. Sorry to be harsh, but your actions, though they may be understandable, are not something you should be proud of. You lost control and if the only consequence is losing your job your damn lucky.
wrectangle: Though what he did was rash, I don't think the other guy would take him to court only to have his verbal assaults brought out. I think it was a minor fuck up on OP, and a major fuck up on the duche bags that picked on him.
Pointwest418: Physical assault > verbal insults.
Unless they were death threats or OP's safety was endangered, he was in the wrong
>only to have his verbal assaults brought out
*Yeah Your Honor, he called me short and a midget, so I punched the shit out of him*
wrectangle: Where does emotional trauma lie?
tryptonite12: Somewhere far below physical assault, a judge could care less what somebody called you. It's not like being called into the principals office.
| 6 | 9.666667 | |
1391735594 | 1391887211 | t3_1x8d5f | t5_2to41 | 106 | nexisfan: TIFU by counter-sexually harassing my boss
Should probably use a throwaway, but eh, living on the edge.
Today as I walked past my boss, who is the owner of the firm I work for, I heard him kind of mumble out loud to himself, "I will slap your ass" ... as in, slap my actual ass. Not "I WILL slap yo ass" if you know what I mean. Well then he must have realized he said it out loud and repeated himself in the latter tone and pretended to be joking.
My response? "I might like it."
I think I was still drunk from last night? This is a married man 25 years older than me and I DO NOT find him attractive at all! What the fuck, self?! Also, other employees were around to hear the entire exchange.
Ugh.
Ophelianeedsanap: Congratulations on your promotion.
Oak011: And your surprise bonus.
Roguer9: BIG bonus. ;)
IbuprofenCS: And your new parking spot and company car.
| 5 | 21.2 | |
1391735577 | 1391800542 | t3_1x8d42 | t5_2to41 | 220 | stevierar: TIFU by inventing a rule in "King of Drinking"
(You may know it as "King's Cup" (there is an /r/AskReddit thread that reminded me; this happened a few months ago but I didn't know /r/tifu existed then) or by another name; a drinking game where each card has a different rule you must complete if you draw it).
I was at a house party, an already quite awkward one where not many people knew each other, other than the host, and we were playing a drinking game to try and get it started.
I pulled a 'rule card', a jack, this meant I could define a rule to last for the rest of the game. Some people are creative, some people panic when put on the spot and pick an easy overused rule. This was the option I took, stating my rule was to be "left handed drinking only, or you have to down your drink". It's actually an horrendously difficult rule to follow for an entire game and a rare concession to the most oppressed in our society, lefties.
There was no laughter. There was not even groans at me picking such an overused rule. There was just silence. Clearly awkward silence. I'm not sure if people actually parted aside or if my realisation caused me have some kind of horror moving 'zooming in' effect. There, smiling awkwardly at me, was my friend with only one arm. Her right arm.
We'd been friends all through university, I simply don't think of her as "the girl with one arm", she is just my friend. How I fucked up was by unwittingly drawing attention to it at a party where she was already quite uncomfortable surrounded by people she didn't know very well. She was fine, we giggled about it on later days, but the entire tone of that party seemed to change after that - the drinking game was already a desperate attempt to get it started.
I got very drunk in response and on my way home urinated on a cat: it was hiding in the bush I chose as a public toilet and ran out, only once I had finished (the filthy bastard), looking soggy and cross. This is unrelated but makes me happy and changes the night into a more pleasant memory.
**TL;DR: Demanded my friend drink with limbs she didn't possess. Caused awkwardness. Ruined party. Urinated on a cat.**
__STIG__: Who uses a jack card as a rule card?! This is shenanigans. I always use the king. The jack is for "never have i ever".
JustHappyToLurk: Nah niggah king is rule master, jack is the thumb master
__STIG__: WTF is a thumb master? God im getting too old for you young kids' new rules.
stevierar: When you get the thumb master card, you hang onto it, YOU ARE THE THUMB MASTER. At some point in the game you place your thumb on something. It could be the floor, your knee, anything. The last person to do the same (in the knee example, their *own* knee) has to drink.
Writing out drinking game rules really does remove all the fun from them.
JustHappyToLurk: Yeah what this guy said. I personally hate thumb master lol I may try your way next time
| 6 | 36.666667 | |
1391742570 | 1391815883 | t3_1x8omv | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: TIFU by not recognizing my Redditor friend.
Earlier today I told a friend of mine about a subreddit I was starting (shameless /r/whiteblack promotion). He browses Reddit frequently. I totally forget about this happening.
Later that day, while browsing reddit, I refresh the subreddit to see a new post. This guy wanted me to bend the subreddit guidelines for him. I removed the post and asked him to follow the guidelines. He responded in a message asking me to please make an exception *while calling me by my real name*. This is where I freak out. I ask him not to call me by my name and that I will not make an exception. He says that it was "totes funny" and that he was going to post it to /r/FirstWorldAnarchists. I ask who he is.
*"You'll never know, [FULL NAME] of [CITY]."*
I really start freaking out now. Where did I leave my name? Is it somewhere on Google? Did I accidentally put it in some old social network? Is this guy gonna reveal this secret identity I've spent a long time trying to keep anonymous? (which I've done a horrible job of anyways since this friend knows my username)
I realize I may have told my real name and city to a friend on Steam, so I mention his Steam name in the conversation.
All of a sudden he starts listing off classmates at my school. I'm freaking out a million times more. I give a few of my Steam friends and an IRL friend his username and ask them to help me look for this guy from his Reddit name. One of my friends finds a Twitter account with a full name. His interests match up perfectly to his Reddit posts. I send this name to him. He asks who I think he is. I suddenly remember the friend I told about /r/whiteblack (more shameless promotion). For some reason I still didn't think it was him, but mentioned him anyway. Let's say the guy the Twitter belonged to was named Rob Tarnish and the guy I told about the subreddit was Daniel.
I responded, "Either Rob Tarnish, or Daniel screwing with me, but probably not."
He responded with, "http://i.imgur.com/Ur92K.gif on #2"
I suddenly felt really stupid.
^Anyone ^got ^any ^ideas ^on ^how ^to ^get ^him ^back ^for ^that?
AppleSponge: Thats not a fuck up.
DSiDewd: Looking back its really not as bad as I thought it was, but sending a bunch of my friends looking for this dude who I should have known was kind of dumb.
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1391762850 | 1391766631 | t3_1x9d7j | t5_2to41 | -12 | Ghost17088: TIFU by not migrating my E-mail account to Office365
I'm a graduate student and a grad assistant at a university and while this fuck up happened a month ago, I only realized it today.
A couple months back, the school sent out an E-mail to everyone stating that they were migrating all school E-mail accounts from Gmail to Office365. Anyway, I got the first E-mail saying that they would be switching soon and that another E-mail would be sent with any further instructions. As a TA for a large lecture class, my job involves monitoring the online quizzes on Pearson MML and answering student's questions by E-mail. I also use my E-mail to send documents to myself fairly often so I can access them anywhere and have a convenient backup. So now the stage is set for this fuck up.
So last week I was having issues with MML and E-mailed the professor from my school E-mail. Didn't get an answer. Called Pearson Support and found out I needed to get the course ID from the professor. E-mailed the professor again with an update and reference number to the call. That was on Friday.
This morning(Thursday) I still had not heard anything back from him, so I sent him another E-mail and sent a copy of that E-mail from my personal account as well. He replied right away to the personal one saying that he had replied to all of my messages and who I needed to contact ASAP at Pearson for the quiz tomorrow. Contacted the Pearson rep through my personal E-mail and the issue should be resolved before the quiz tomorrow. But it did beg the question, why was I not receiving E-mails from him? I get all the E-mails I send to myself, so my account should be working.
Later on this evening I was hanging out with some of my brothers and mentioned it and they said that after the Office365 migration, you can access your G-mail account and send messages from it, but any messages you receive go to your Office365 account. Fuck. My. Life. I never received an E-mail saying what I needed to do to switch over, but I still tend to be really diligent with following up on things so that this doesn't happen. I just assumed I didn't have a problem as I was still receiving the E-mails I sent to myself.
I logged in to the Office365 account and found that I had almost a month of unread E-mails. Missed opportunities for scholarships, missed info sessions on internships/clubs/study abroad, internship deadlines, and worst of all, questions from my students. I'm simply going to explain this to the professor and hope that this doesn't have a negative impact on me keeping my assistantship next year. It pays for my tuition, so I kind of need it to stay in grad school and finish my MBA. Reddit, today I fucked up.
At least I had tomato soup and grilled cheese tonight.
H4Kek: I too am a loyal user of Microsoft Brand products. I am glad and Microsoft has useful and affordable products available for purchase.
Ghost17088: I'm not a user by choice. Gmail was much better.
H4Kek: Still reads like a Microsoft add.
Ghost17088: How?
H4Kek: I'll admit I didn't read the whole thing and I assumed that this was copy pasted by a Microsoft employee. I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions.
| 6 | -2 | |
1391752553 | 1391975727 | t3_1x9376 | t5_2to41 | 519 | themadhetter: TIFU when I ran over myself
Today I went to stop my car real quickly and I put it into reverse instead of park got out. i thought It was rolling so I tried to stop it, I got pinned to the car behind me and made a dent in his car, tore my calf, and all my friends think I am a shitty driver
a_magic_wizard: How do you accidentally put it into reverse, rather than neutral?
soxordie: Probably an automatic transmission, where reverse is right between neutral and park.
BeerPowered: But park is directly at the top. You just slam it up and you're okay.
Or buy a car with an actual damn gearbox.
soxordie: I honestly can't stand automatic transmissions. My current car has one, and let me tell you, I'd never buy a car with one again.
Secres: What do you hate about them?
soxordie: Cars with manual transmissions are much more fun to drive, they're cheaper, they use less gas, and they have much lower theft rates. What's to dislike?
TrevorSP: Manual transmissions actually get lower mileage in current cars
greasytshirt: Incrementally lower. The driver plays the greatest role in determining fuel mileage.
| 9 | 57.666667 | |
1391787589 | 1391831478 | t3_1xa08r | t5_2to41 | 749 | MyButtIsCold_AMA: TIFU by being a commuter student
I am a freshman in college, currently in my second semester. I go to the college of my hometown, roughly a 10 minute drive, so I'm still living at home with family to save money. I travel to school by the town's bus, which offers free travel to students with their IDs. I don't have my own car, but this system has worked out well so far.
This past week, as I'm sure some of you are feeling, has been a bit nippy. We have something like 3 inches of snow on the ground and the side roads/sidewalks are all iced over. So today, the public schools call a snow day, but my college doesn't. Already a wrench in the works, 'cause that means my parents will be out in the morning and I have to get my two younger siblings up, make them breakfast, etc. I couldn't just skip, either, because my first class today has a test and the type of teacher who doesn't allow make-up work no matter what. I expected this and planned accordingly, had all my textbooks and stuff ready to go, just had to make them food and then wait for my folks to get back.
Well, time rolls around, and no sign of my parents. No big deal, I figure. That bus is 10 minutes late on its best days, snow will probably slow it down. I grab my stuff and get ready to go in advance, and they finally show up about 8:20 (the bus is supposed to arrive at 8:35, usually gets there around 8:50). I head out the door, feeling like a decent brother, ready to take on a test and start the weekend off well.
On my way out the door, I pull out my phone and check the bus's arrival time (they have a website that uses GPS to track where they are) and everything goes to hell. Turns out they picked today of all days to start running on time, so I have approximately 10 minutes to get to the bus stop (a 15 minute walk on a good day). Dumbass sleep-deprived college brain decides getting to school is more important than common sense, so I start sprinting down the street as fast as I feel comfortable. Guess what, sprinting on ice? *Kind of a dumb fucking move.* I slipped no less than 12 times, and fell 4. My pants and gloves get soaked, but luckily I don't get hurt much (most of the falls involved slipping on ice and tripping into soft snow) so I keep plowing on.
I eventually make it to the street my bus stop is on, but I can hear the bus coming up behind me. One final dash, I figure--if I can just make it to the stop before they do...
NOPE. In a move straight out of AFV, I somehow manage to overlook my untied shoe. I trip on that and faceplant on the ice, sliding forward into a pile of snow. My head is throbbing at this point, and I've got a fairly severe nosebleed. My shoe has gone off into the aether; still have no idea where it ended up. Meanwhile, there goes the bus, off on its own...
So I take the walk of shame back home, only one shoe, trying to stem the blood currently cascading from my nose. My right foot feels completely numb, and the sock felt like it was freezing to my skin. I get back to my street and notice the family car is gone--my stepdad got called into work early today, so I can't even get a ride.
So I walk into my house, grab a tissue, and go into the living room where my siblings are watching *Dexter's Laboratory.* My brother turns around and sees me, crimson tissue in my nose, missing shoe, pants and backpack covered with snow, and he gives me the most shit-eating grin I've ever seen in my life. Then he says, without missing a beat: "Hey, you look kinda tense--maybe you should chill out."
tl;dr: tried to go to school, had a conga line of stupid decisions, lost a shoe, got mocked by a 10-year-old.
OneWayOfLife: What kind of bus driver sees a kid break his nose on the ice and just carries on driving past him?!
TrooperDawga: I live in a big city. Madison, WI. and I can confirm that bus drivers (in my experience) don't give a shit. However, if you are able to wave at the bus driver and get them to 'notice' you, you stand a better chance of getting the bus to wait.
FinalDoom: Population's about the same in Rochester, NY. Bus drivers definitely give a shit here. Also. Not a big city. A city, not a town, but not a big city.
Simmangodz: NYC here. Those drivers have schedules to stick to, so they don't give two shits.
eman462: Yea those guys would run you over if they have to. They don't fuck around.
| 6 | 124.833333 | |
1391793855 | 1391901732 | t3_1xaa89 | t5_2to41 | 39 | stufoor: TIFU apparently its not ok to say gay people shouldn't be assaulted
Last night my nut job father "eliminated" me from his Facebook, as he put it, and said that I was going to hell, god was going to kick my ass, and that I didn't know what the word pervert even meant.
Really fucked up this time guys. /s
Edit. Thanks for the downvotes. I just needed to get this off my chest. Glad it was appreciated.
Merari01: You did not fuck up. Nobody should be assaulted. Except people like your father and then only verbally.
stufoor: Yeah. I just told him that im not 10 years old anymore, im an adult, and if he wants to scream at me like that over anything as simple as basic human compassion then we wont be talking anymore. Him doing that made me remember all the times he got in my face and literally screamed at me for putting my shoes in the wrong place. I'd rather have those memories repressed, thank you
spacepuppy69: Some dads really, really suck. I'm sorry you were one of the unlicky ones who had one. Hope your life is fulfilled and happy now.
stufoor: Cheers. I do. Thank you internet stranger!
spacepuppy69: Ahhh good. :) My dad and I hit a huge wall when I was still in high school (me being gay and having bad grades didn't dit well with him), but after I left a very abusive ex for my recent ex that saved me from the situation, my dad completely got over it. It takes time, but a true man loves his child no matter what.
| 6 | 6.5 | |
1391802172 | 1391825884 | t3_1xaob5 | t5_2to41 | 33 | throwawaywhathtefuck: TIFU by telling a very close friend whos in love with me to kill themselves
Throwaway for obvious reasons.
So last night I came home after nearly getting into a car accident twice. I was shaken up and upset, plus dealing with other friends had already upset me. My dad had also been yelling a ton at me.
So I logged onto steam and messaged a very close friend of mine and started talking to her. I was already upset so I was a bit rude with my messages. She mentioned something that made me realize she had lied to me about something. Now, shes done lots of things to upset me before. So this all suddenly stacked onto eachother and I started yelling at her and insulting her. I was unable to calm down and everything she said made me angrier. Including her admitting she had feelings for me. I eventually told her to kill herself and logged off.
After that, she got into an argument with someone else. She later told that person she was just going with "the easiest option" and logged off.
So now I'm praying that she replies to my messages or emails. Because I literally do not know what else to do because I've been crying for hours.
platy1234: lol teenagers
steam is the new aim
DeliciousPumpkinPie: AIM? Pssh, when I was a teenager, it was MSN all the way.
But yeah, holy shit OP, you fucked up big time. Hope it works out.
| 3 | 11 | |
1391807689 | 1391837385 | t3_1xaxqw | t5_2to41 | 92 | [deleted]: TIFU by doing meth again.
A week ago I tried it at a friends house, and ended up hating it because of how bad it made me feel afterwards. Then again, today, I tried it again after getting drunk. I don't even know why I tried it.
TheUprightMan: Because you're developing an addiction to meth maybe?
gartloneyrat: Lol. You mean to say that repeatedly imbibing an addictive drug creates a dependency on that drug? You must be a scientist.
TheUprightMan: Everything I do is for science
Posts_Bad_Content: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-agl0pOQfs#t=115
era650: I was expecting something more like thishttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQR1r1KTjaE
| 6 | 15.333333 | |
1391808947 | 1391817334 | t3_1xazwb | t5_2to41 | 116 | thislifeisanew: TIFU by trying to be attractive
There I was, about to go out dancing. (Context) I have three wood steps going down from my front door, it was raining. There are apartment buildings in front on my town house. One of my neighbors (very attractive group of guys my age) has a balcony that looks right at my front door.
So I'm wearing my favorite green dress, hair curled, make-up done. Feel great. See my hot neighbors looking down at me, I perk my head up like a peacock showing off (cue slow motion walk and hair blowing in the wind that came out of no where). Andddd boom, forget that there was one more step, land on the side of my ankle and face plant into the wet concrete. Lay there for a minute and realize what happened here my neighbor asks "uh are you okay". I ignore it in shame and crawl in the back seat of my car. Go to the doctor and find out I sprained my ankle. Neighbor sees me on crutches earlier, laughing his ass off. Fuck.
[deleted]: ahaha lol
thislifeisanew: so sad
CaptainBenza: I'm sure you looked pretty as you fell
thislifeisanew: Well I sure hope so lol
| 5 | 23.2 | |
1391815685 | 1391853622 | t3_1xbay0 | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU buying audio equipment.
TL;DR- I blew $250 on the wrong speaker and It's all my fault.
I'm still living with my parents, and, if I want to buy anything, I have to come up with the money myself. I'm a pretty square guy, so any quick and dirty (read: illegal) options are out of the window.
I did some very hard work recently and got myself around $300 and figured I'd reward myself with a sound-bar I've been wanting for almost forever now.
So I go on Amazon, read up a little bit, and order the $250 sound-bar brand new.
It was shortly after this when I read up about it again that I realized that the sound-bar I had bought had only 2.1 channels, and did not have the surround sound capabilities I had thought it had.
I hurry over to Amazon and try to withdraw my order.
Lo and behold, the company I ordered from through Amazon does not except returns on this particular model, and has a rather strict return policy on just about everything else.
So I'm out $250, and chances are I won't be getting it back. And the worst part is: I have no one to blame but myself.
[deleted]: Resell on ebay?
TectonicWafer: This sort of thing is what eBay is for. If it's brand new, in the box, you can probably unload it on eBay for close to what you bought it for. Or just sell it on Amazon yourself! Becoming an Amazon seller is pretty easy these days.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1391814639 | 1391887000 | t3_1xb9d4 | t5_2to41 | 15 | Noceus: TIFU got caught by cops with weed, and now I need to tell my parents
So me and my friend were caught today by two cops with under a gram of weed, and got a 40€ citation. Since I'm only 18 and still life with my parents I need to tell them. How do I even begin to approach them so I can tell them? Can you please give any tips.
BaphClass: Weed's hardly the worst thing in the world. You're 18. If you can drink, you can toke. Just pay the fine yourself. If they get mad, well... that's what you get for getting caught.
I can't even believe you got a citation for under a gram. Over here in Canada they wouldn't even give a shit unless you were being conspicuous about it. They'd confiscate it at worst.
Noceus: The problem is weed is still kinda demonized here, and my mom doesn't know much about it, that would kinda cause her to freak out, since she would think I'll become a burn-out or something
BaphClass: Go and find some material, print it out, and have her read it. If she'd rather yell than read, well, she's gonna yell. Just ride it out and don't start yelling back.
Overall just be honest and upfront. It's probably gonna suck ass, but shit like this builds character.
Noceus: Thanks for the advice, I'm just gonna be honest and hope she doesn't overreact.
IbuprofenCS: If she is anything like my parents expect to be monitored a lot more... until they can trust you... oh and expect a lot more judgement on your ability to pick friends...
| 6 | 2.5 |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.