start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1391810883 | 1392023811 | t3_1xb395 | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by staying in school.
So my house has been smelling like gas recently. My upstairs neighbor called Generic Energy Company this morning. They came, determined there was gas in his unit, then called me to ask if I could come let them in. I told them I was in class in City I Go To School In, which is half an hour away, and wouldn't be home for another hour and to call my landlord. They said they would and would let me know.
Come back to find a Generic Energy Company truck, a cop, and two fire trucks on the street outside my house. Evidently, the fire department decided to force entry to the house, pretty much completely fucking my door, to see if there was gas downstairs. Because, you know, basic logic doesn't dictate that if there's definitely gas upstairs, there's going to be gas downstairs too.
And my gas is shut off. There's a guy in my basement trying to find the leak and fix it now, which is loud as hell.
Oh, and they left my door unlocked for the last three hours, which is cool, not that it really matters because the frame is totally torn apart and an 80 lb middle schooler could break in.
TL;DR Stayed the whole of my class, fire department broke my door to shut off the gas.
dralcax: Isn't that breaking and entering?
hovdeisfunny: Not if you're the fire department.
vertstang86: Correction,
Not if there is a potential immediate threat to the safety of life or property. They covered their bases, and should have a way to help you get the door replaced. Gas leaks can be extremely dangerous.
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1391734027 | 1392978453 | t3_1x8ai3 | t5_2to41 | 10 | Phlat_Dog: TIFU by being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
It was snowing pretty hard and my friend and I were playing around in it. We decided it would be fun to go sledding.
We head over to my friend's apartment. He has some large boxes that might make decent sleds. We get there, and his roommates and he are having a party.
This apartment is on-campus housing provided by my university, so naturally alcohol and drugs are not permitted.
Not one minute after my friend and I get to the apartment, the campus police show up and bust the party. Everyone is written up.
My friend and I also had to get written up. She and I both have clean records, so we were both pissed.
**TL;DR Wrong place at the wrong time.**
dralcax: Lawyer time.
atle95: this did happen, I can confirm as I had the boxes
Phlat_Dog: y u stalk my posts? y?
I may or may not also stalk your posts.
atle95: sometimes I let people I know that i'm watching, then wait to see them change their posts
| 5 | 2 | |
1391825215 | 1391870941 | t3_1xbol9 | t5_2to41 | 954 | mosmegmamoproblems: TIFU by eating my own smegma
I have a tight foreskin at the moment due to medical issues and am in the process of stretching it so it can go back fully, this is done by simply pulling it back as far as it will go and holding for so long. Due to my foreskin being trapped forward for the last 6-7 years of my life, I have developed some nasty smegma, sorry if you were eating.
Just off work, I am eating a [Snowball](http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2398/2416662581_dea81c7d05.jpg) in my house and finish it before heading to the toilet.
When stretching foreskin, you need to do it a number of times a day, so it is recommended to do it whilst taking a piss, if you're going to have your cock out may as well do both, two birds - one stone and all.
Stumbling hazily into the blurry bathroom, I was chilling in a pretty dark room so I didn't want to turn on the brightest light in the bathroom so it's a pretty dark room.
I piss, stretch, trousers up, belt on. Time to go wash my- oh, what's that on the back of my finger? My brain immediately registers it as a white flakey piece from the snowball (was pretty inebriated) and I excitedly lick it off my finger without even thinking, joyous at the small leftover. As soon as I bite into it I recognise it's a bit weird, it's not like a snowball texture/taste at all, it simply crumbles in a gritty manner under my molars and there is a bitter taste that hits my mouth immed- Oh fuck.
I instantly realise my mistake: as I was stretching back my foreskin, I reached a longer distance than normal, and this caused a decent-sized chunk of dryish smegma to become unearthed onto the surface, proceeding to greasily roll out onto my finger, sticking to the side/back of it. I was too engrossed in my phone in the other hand to realise before it was too late.
The pissy/bitter taste hit my tastebuds and a horrific smell caught the back of my throat. It was too late, having already swallowed it I could only stumble onto my knee before retching until both of my eyes turned a crimson red from the pressure of vomiting with great force into my toilet.
**EDIT**
[You can all thank u/Riisijuoma for requesting a dick pic, can you smell it?](http://i.imgur.com/xx9rWb6.jpg)
Also note that these are at the middle of the head, I find the largest ones tend to be closest to the jedi, so the one I ate was slightly larger than all the ones you see here.
FabulousFlavor: Holy shit. As a woman, I luckily have yet to encounter smegma but your description was very effective/horrifying. I imagined the texture in my own mouth. Bleh. Hope you had some mouthwash close at hand!
robotortoise: Marry a Jewish man and avoid this issue entirely.
Or become a lesbian!
...but then you have to deal with vagina crust.
Is that a thing? Vagina crust? I hope not.
shakaspeare: Not all uncut cocks have cheese spewing from them -__-
milkymoocowmoo: OP has it because he has phimosis (Google results will be NSFW), so yeah it's kinda different!
mosmegmamoproblems: This guy is correct. I have a health condition called phimosis, which I didn't realise I had until I was like 14 due to shitty sex education in a Catholic school. Didn't even know foreskins existed, thought all penises would look like mine with the skin constantly forward.
milkymoocowmoo: Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, had my foreskin removed :P Ok well I didn't get a t-shirt cos that would be weird but I *am* an adult circumcision survivor. Funnily enough I found out when I was exchanging naughty pics with an online friend ('sexting' I spose you kids would call it these days) and she said that something looked not quite right with Milkymoocowmoo Jnr.
mosmegmamoproblems: Did you not try stretching instead of getting it removed? I don't think I'd have the balls to go through with surgery.
milkymoocowmoo: Stretching wasn't really an option for me. I asked my doctor about it and he said it really only works with mild cases. The urologist said the same thing as I would've been looking for about a 400% increase in hole size if it was to get over the glans.
mosmegmamoproblems: Fair enough, I'm sure you're happy with it now anyway. I stretched mine from a very tiny size, and I'm making steady progress, probably looking at 1-2 months more stretching and I can start having sex! :) Oh gosh I will be the happiest guy alive.
ryan_the_leach: I'm no doctor but I can also say stretching worked for me, perfectly fine now, mind you this was when I was pretty young, they caught it early.
| 11 | 86.727273 | |
1391812708 | 1391847491 | t3_1xb69e | t5_2to41 | 26 | not_a_carpet: TIFU by making fun of someone who stutters
So I was playing Runescape with a couple of friends on skype. We just started playing so we came up with the brilliant idea of inviting a guy from our class to the RS chat. He is basically an outsider in the class and barely anyone talks to him but he has 99 on every skill so we thought it could be fun to invite him. He also stutters which is important for the later part of this story.
So we're playing and a bunch of my friends are making fun of his stutters in the Skype call we are having and I just thought it was kind of shitty behavior. But we are not saying anything bad to him in the RS chat.
Later, we meet this Dutch dude who we talk to and the guy who stutters hasn't said anything for like an hour at this point. So, because the topic in the skype call has been about stuttering for a long time I jokeingly ask the Dutch dude, in the same RS chat, if he stutters. Suddenly, I realise the dude who stutters is still in the chat.
Fuck.
So now I feel like a total douchebag and I'll have to talk to him on monday and apologize.
TLDR: I made a joke about people who stutter while a dude from my class who stutter was in the same chat.
Sr_Navarre: If you really don't want to be a douchebag, you'll also stop your friends from making fun of the guy next time, whether he knows about it or not.
irGoodman: Yeah man, dick move.
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1391835104 | 1392068267 | t3_1xc1q2 | t5_2to41 | 5 | xTamrieL: TIFU by not using incognito
So today I bought myself a new tablet (Samsung Galaxy Tab 3 10.1" in case you're interested), and I had just finished setting up the basic stuff (signing into my Google and Samsung accounts and doing the update), and my grandparents, who happened to be over, wanted to see my new piece of tech.
Without hesitation, I brought it upstairs for my grandpa to look at, and he asked "What do these things do?" and I mentioned apps, web browser, email, all that stuff. I launched the stock web browser, and it had my "Most Viewed Links" as default, which I didn't think much of. First 5 links? Pornhub, Xnxx, Redtube, etc..
My grandpa said "What's 'blonde gagging on black dick'?" and I said "Oh, I'm not sure...", and my Dad, who was sitting right there, said "xTamrieL's watching PORN???", most likely jokingly. I mean, I'm 17 years old, you can't expect me NOT to watch it. I acted cool about it, didn't say anything, then did the walk of shame back down to my bed room.
SIDE NOTE: My parents aren't the type to ground me, or give me a talk about this stuff, but they probably won't look at me the same way again.
EDIT: Realized I left out an important detail regarding the incognito usage. I never delete my history on any of my computers or tablets, phones, nothing like that because my parents never check them. I'll be using incognito from this day forth though
ihazcheese: The one time I decide to look something extremely personal and secret that only the one person it's about should know is the one time I accidentally don't use incognito... Now every time I look up something that starts with an I or a G it comes up as an auto-fill option. :P
xTamrieL: Oh man, I'm shocked the auto-fill hasn't fucked me yet
ihazcheese: You're lucky...
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1391835206 | 1391948611 | t3_1xc1ui | t5_2to41 | 17 | FlingingDice: TIFU by attempting my own car repair.
My truck heater hasn't worked for ages. There's a very common issue with my model: the blend door in the plastic...compartment-thing behind the glove box, which controls the hot/cold air mix, is fragile and tends to break and get stuck. It's an $800 repair because ripping out the plastic compartment takes hours, and I didn't want to spend $150 just diagnosing it because there's no way I could afford to fix it.
It's snowing out, which is rare, and it's going to keep snowing until well into tomorrow. Yesterday I discovered that my wipers can't pull the snow off before it freezes to the windshield - there's no heater to heat the glass. So to drive ten miles to work, I have go in short hops: Drive a few blocks blocks, pull over, scrape windshield, drive a few more blocks. Driving home was a nightmare and I can't miss work tomorrow... so I turned to YouTube.
See, there's another way into the compartment, namely through the side. You pull out the glove box, carve a hole, move the blend door yourself, then duct tape it right back up. The duct tape isn't a perfect seal, but it's better than nothing.
Cut to 5pm: it's getting dark, the snow is coming down hard, I've got a single flashlight, but fuck it, I'm determined now. I can fix my own damn problems. I'm *empowered*.
Dremel didn't work. No worries, I'll just.. uh... drill some holes and use a knife. Do I have a knife? No. Well... a leatherman, I guess. Box cutter? No, that's retarded, it'll snap. Maybe I'll just drill a series of holes close to each other... ... and then use some wire clippers to connect the dots. Perfect.
An hour and a half passes. My ass is soaking wet from hanging out of the truck cab. The foot against the curb is either asleep or frozen numb, I'm not sure. The neighbors are giving me weird looks and it's probably for the best that I don't look like a meth addict. The interior of the passenger side door is coated in a layer of ice. I've made half a dozen trips upstairs to the apartment for various tools which *also* aren't the right tool for the job, but dammit, I eventually made the hole in the damn plastic box thing. I didn't lose a finger. I didn't slice through any wires. Triumph!
The blend door worked fine to begin with.
The heater still doesn't work.
I have to explain to my mechanic why there is a 5x3 inch duct-taped hole in a thing I can't even name, which is now making a faint hissing sound.
tl;dr: The thing which I thought was broken wasn't and I did irreparable damage before figuring it out. Using sharp implements. In the dark. In sub-freezing temperatures. While being snowed on. Because *pride*.
porcia918: nah, just save the $800+ and move out to CA - supposed to hit 78 degrees this week! :o
FlingingDice: Ah, don't make me homesick! It's better here. We have...uh... Well, actually, what we have are lots of ex-Californians who can't cope with this weather. Snow just doesn't compute.
porcia918: oh I know - we can barely handle rain down here haha
taserbeam: But have felt the rains down in Africa?
| 5 | 3.4 | |
1391829969 | 1391963763 | t3_1xbuze | t5_2to41 | 62 | betterthanthebroncos: TIFU by sucking at sports
In PE today, the coach gave us a choice between hoop relay and football (American football, to be clear). We chose hoop relay.
"What's wrong with you girls??" the coach screamed. "Y'all never wanna play FOOT BAAAAWWWLLLL!! It's the greatest sport ever and all y'all just turn up your noses at it!"
I decided to be a kiss ass. "I like football!" I yelled. Coach gave me a thumbs up. Then she hurled the football at me. Oh shit, I didn't expect that! How do I football? I put up my hands to protect my face, which proved to be useless when the ball nailed me right in the crotch.
I spent the first part of PE sitting in the grass, rubbing my vagina while everyone else did hoop relays.
[deleted]: Yes, I see. In what manner did you rub your vagina? Explain it to me.
[deleted]: slap slap slap
clap clap clap
XxYtuamaxX: [Slappin' and clappin'](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-l4bt8agqw)
[deleted]: heh
| 5 | 12.4 | |
1391868435 | 1391884740 | t3_1xct75 | t5_2to41 | 55 | [deleted]: TIFU by kissing a girl
I'm gonna start this off by saying I'm 15, and in high school obviously. So a few days ago, I asked a girl I like, let's call her Molly, to semi formal, and she said yes. Awesome. Yesterday, I bought tickets for her and I to semi formal, because she wasn't at school yesterday, and they were cheaper last week.
Then yesterday, I'm at a hockey game with a volunteer/leadership group from school, doing a fundraiser. There's this other girl I like, let's call her Jen. I was hanging out after the game waiting to be driven home with Jen, her best friend, and Molly's best friend. Molly was not there. Jen's and Molly's friend left us alone, joking that because I had just finished a slushie and my lips were cold that Jen should warm them up for me. So she did. We ended up kissed for about a minute. I was just in shock for the first half of it, it was my first real kiss, to be honest.
And lo and behold, Molly's best friend witnessed everything. So now she's thinking of telling Molly what happened, and I have no idea what to do. I like both of them, and I don't want to hurt either of them. My biggest problem, I think, is the tickets. What am I supposed to do with those? Do I just give Molly her's, get my money back, and we go to semi formal, but not together? Do I decide that what happened with Jen and I meant nothing? Problem is, I probably won't be able to talk to Jen until school starts again on Monday, so I won't know whether that meant anything until then. Teenage drama, isn't it great?
paulrulez742: Man, I wish this was the biggest fish I had to fry.
boomer478: Right? Just wait 'til this kid has bills to pay, he's going to lose his fucking mind.
paulrulez742: My SO has a friend who has two kids from a previous marriage. Has remarried and has a kid with the new husband. The first husband has rights to see their kids.
Her current husband just took a promotion, requiring a move a few states away.
She now has to decide if she's going to go with her current husband and child, or stay home to be with her two other kids and see her husband once a month or so.
That's a tough decision, kissing two girls without a drivers license is nothing.
| 4 | 13.75 | |
1391870101 | 1391918465 | t3_1xcutu | t5_2to41 | 533 | cwbiddin: TIFU by shaving for swim team [NSFW]
This was last night, but it's close enough to the real date, so bear with me. Today my swim team has sectionals to compete in, so as with tradition the guys and the girls shave down their bodies, which usually just consists of shaving our legs for the guys. I thought using a standard razor would take forever, so I chose to use an electric razor. The thing is, this electric razor has nowhere near as much control as a standard razor would. I went to work with the razor, and once my legs were done I decided to move onto my "private" section, and didn't think to switch to a basic razor instead of my electric one. So I get to work on this, and everything's going swimmingly until I start to lose some control over the razor. I cut my balls with it not once, but four times in the course of five minutes. The shame and pain associated that may not ever leave my memory. Never shave your balls with an electric razor, gentlemen, you will be in a world of pain if you do.
Tl;DR: Tried to shave for swimming, ended up dicing up my nether regions.
Rossegut: Oh god I cringed just reading this.
also
>everything's going swimmingly
ha
cwbiddin: That pun actually made me crack up, thanks for that.
sdhu: B.. but, it's your pun. You made it. I thought you were trying to crack us up, not the other way around. Sorry, I'm just drowning in my thoughts right now. I hope I won't go of the deep end.
Hakusprite: The goal of dad-jokes is to make the dad laugh.
lolbbqstain: This guy gets it
| 6 | 88.833333 | |
1391881751 | 1391883205 | t3_1xd9i1 | t5_2to41 | 36 | [deleted]: TIFU by sneezing
I sneezed the night before last and heard something pop and had an enormous pain in the middle of my back on the left side. It felt like I had pulled a muscle or something. I think to myself that it will probably feel better in the morning so I go to bed.
Wake up yesterday and it's still hurting, just as bad. Finally decide to go see the doctor at around 3:30 in the afternoon. The doctor thinks I probably just pulled a muscle or a dislocated rib that popped in and out but says she wants to do some xrays just to be safe.
Xrays show that I have a cracked rib. Turns out my 8 week case of walking bronchitis weakened that rib from all of the violent coughing I was doing.
Worst part about this is that if I sneeze, it *hurts* like hell. And I have bad allergies. FML
TL;DR: Sneezed and cracked a rib
aaronthebaron27: That is horribly unlucky/comical that your own body did that to you.
wspellmann: I was going to go to Vegas next week :(
| 3 | 12 | |
1391881564 | 1391915554 | t3_1xd98q | t5_2to41 | 1,847 | dinosaur_wing: TIFU by having a Hitler mustache
I was shaving my beard and got it down to a little Hitler mustache. I combed my hair over to get it real flat. After making funny faces in the mirror, I heard someone walking out to the kitchen and washing the dishes. Assuming it was my brother, I put a towel on and marched out there slowly while screaming German sounding gibberish. I rounded the corner and saw my female housemate, who I don't know very well, standing there looking horrified. I quickly apologized and ran back to my room and hid there for a while.
Waffles81: I'd rather see this kind of stuff on the frontpage of /r/all than any of all the other bullcrap that's usually there.
Gotta love small subs though, lets just hope it lasts. (knocking on my wood)
BeMyLittleSpoon: I just recently used res to filter out quite a few annoying, yet big subs. :) It's wonderful.
Waffles81: You're right, I've done the same since I got RES a while back.
I've been off reddit for about over a month, and the (r/all) frontpage seems filled-up with even more picture posts than ever before...
It's okay because reddit works like a democracy where everyone gets a vote, which is good, I just like posts that are about redditors personal experiences more, than posts that show other crap from somewhere else the internet.
I'm just becoming an old "get off my lawn" type of person though.
BeMyLittleSpoon: They aren't on your lawn :) Your lawn is the front page you made with the subreddits you like. I'm gonna give some good ones. You can ignore me, or subscribe to some, or share some of yours :) I'll try to put the more interest specific ones towards the end. I couldn't make the bullets work.
/r/DecidingToBeBetter
/r/interestingasfuck
/r/mashups
/r/Art
/r/alternativeart
/r/misleadingthumbnails
/r/subredditoftheday
/r/serendipity
/r/colorizedhistory
/r/IWantToLearn
/r/explainlikeImcalvin
/r/fullmoviesonyoutube
/r/LifeasanNPC
/r/Magicdeckbuilding
/r/Treknobabble
/r/beadsprites
Going to the front page of /r/all is more like going downtown. \^_^
thefifth5: > /r/magicdeckbuilding
This guy right here!
BeMyLittleSpoon: [Ahem!] (http://s2.favim.com/orig/28/aristocats-cats-gif-lady-marie-Favim.com-232545.gif) But yeah, I learn so much lurking there. Cx
Urfarah: Btw im a grill :33
BeMyLittleSpoon: I don't understand the "grill" thing. Everyone kept saying that to me in a chat once when I entered with a friend. They kept saying "Alex! It's a grill! Is that a grill? Is it Alex's grill?" And I don't get it.
Urfarah: Stems from 4chan. It's essentially making fun of the "women" there who would always go out of their way to make everyone on an anonymous imageboard know that they are a female, presumably for attention. It started with girl, gurl, grrl then was twisted into grill, and it kinda became the standard from there.
femstora: Couldn't it just be by the fact that most people default to guy whenever they communicate with an anonymous person on the internet. Thereby leading to women having to correct them which would in turn lead some people to thinking that women always have to announce their presence for attention?
Urfarah: You gotta understand where it came from, though. On 4chan, everyone is anonymous. No one gives a shit what gender you are. Most of the girls who would make a habit of announcing their gender there were seriously vying for attention, i.e. in the form of personal army requests and/or trying to get people to side with them.
| 12 | 153.916667 | |
1391901563 | 1391926187 | t3_1xe3ho | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by almost blowing up my kitchen and killing my family.
First post, seemed appropriate.
My stepdad texts me and says, 'I'll be home in a few minutes, can you put the oven on for me' (to preheat it for the frozen pizza he was bringing back)
Did as he asked, went back upstairs and carried on doing my hair. Five minutes later, I fancy a cup of tea. Brother's girlfriend asks if I can smell burning, I say no.
Enter the kitchen to put the kettle on, only to find my stepdad frantically hitting a dominos pizza box that's on fire.
Forgot my brother and his girlfriend ordered pizza and put the leftovers, still in the cardboard box, in the oven (which was turned off at the time) because there was no room in the fridge. I didn't check the oven before I turned it on.
The oven was on for like five minutes. I shudder to think what might've happened if my stepdad hadn't come home in the time he said he'd be.
Wapiti-eater: Stinky house - messy oven.
Likely nothing more than stink and maybe some smoke for the rest of the house.
Ovens are tough.
Dumbledoree: I guess so, but our ovens pretty old. And our dogs stay in the kitchen (we have a large kitchen)
Wapiti-eater: Would've made a mess. Could've been a FU. WAY glad it was caught!
But really - chances of loosing the house were slim.
Live and learn - enjoy the pizza!
Dumbledoree: Pizzas 's a little on the charred side...thanks
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1391907526 | 1391931444 | t3_1xec81 | t5_2to41 | 121 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally reminding my grandma she was dying
It was a month ago, but I still feel bad about it even though it was inadvertent. My grandma was dying of cancer and basically a waif. So, very quiet and usually wearing socks. One night she padded into the kitchen, came around a corner in the dark and scared me badly. I recovered and told her I thought she was a ghost. She just got this wistful look on her face and goes "...Not yet." Eek. Sorry granny.
papafrog: Bummer, but good on her for having a sense of humor!
[deleted]: She wasn't joking I don't think she was a very cranky racist old lady who was pretty drugged up and glum at that point...she wasn't being funny, just scared of dying.
GravityChanges: That sucks, but you didn't hurt her, just reminded her of what is coming. When she thinks of "you" she won't be thinking of that comment, she'll be thinking of your parents, you and them over the years and how much she loves and appreciates you all. Just spend as much time as you can with her!
| 4 | 30.25 | |
1391906458 | 1391949533 | t3_1xeaqe | t5_2to41 | 36 | worstdriverever: TIFU by missing a stop sign
Today I fucked up big time, probably the worst I ever have. I feel absolutely terrible and just have to vent.
I was having a nice productive day off of school, cleaning and organizing and what have you. Eventually it came time for lunch. Since I had been cleaning all morning I felt like I deserved some taco bell, so I got in my car and got myself some god damn taco bell. But on my way back from taco bell, I made my first mistake: I decided to take a new road home. Sometimes driving the same road every day just gets boring and you want a change of scenery, you know? So I, having the worst attention span ever, am more engrossed in my baja blast then paying attention to the fucking road like I should have been. Long story short, I run a stop sign and hit an innocent couple on their way to their niece's birthday party. And just to make me feel like more of an asshole the wife was pregnant. As far as I know no one was hurt, so that's good. But yeah, fuck. I don't feel like I can ever handle the responsibility of driving ever again.
dc3003: Its called u live and u learn .
mclollolwub: Next time make a u-turn.
| 3 | 12 | |
1391898078 | 1391951938 | t3_1xdycq | t5_2to41 | 2 | TheTinyTanker: TIFU by spilling my spitter.
Happened about 5 minutes ago, while browsing reddit and watching League of Legends LCS. My back was hurting a bit, so I popped in some dip to get a buzz to forget the pain a bit. After a game finished, I got up to go to the bathroom, setting my headphones around my open spitter... As I stand up, my foot caught around the cord of my headphones and pulled everything down, including my half-full spitter. Luckily I caught it before much to escape, but enough fell to the carpet. Don't believe I have ever moved so fast, or cleaned so deep to avoid a lasting mess.
TL;DR - Left open spitter on desk, spilled some on the carpet.
Tanben: are you on /r/dippingtobacco?
TheTinyTanker: I am not, but I'll take a look now
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1391912426 | 1392620962 | t3_1xeizu | t5_2to41 | 40 | FabulousVick: TIFU by not reading the label
Technically, it was a few days ago; never thought of posting it here, but my dear friend convinced me to, so here it goes!
(It is my first post ever on reddit and i'm sorry if my English is not perfect, it's not my native language!)
I had heard of that old grandma tip, that if you feel sick, you should put some Vicks (VapoRub) under your feet before going to sleep... Wanting to make sure i'd feel better the next day, i did that... Here 's where i fucked up: i bought the "Vicks" at the dollar store, cuz yeah, i'm cheap and even if it's not the real brand, i don't give a sh!t... Well, i learned that i should have read what was written on that stupid bottle, because it was some kind of "Deep Cold" (you know, the blue stuff you put on aching muscles?!) ! So i put freakin deep cold all over my poor little feet before going to bed! Me, who's always freezing! You can imagine how cold it felt! It deprived me from some much needed sleep :( Even the next day, i felt the cold under my feet for a few hours, despite the shower i had that morning... Congrats to myself, i really felt like a champion -_-
If i can give you any life tip, redditors, always read the label before using something!
rebeccapp: Guess you could say you had a case of cold feet.
AlJohnB: This guy is a God!
| 3 | 13.333333 | |
1391923329 | 1391975431 | t3_1xex5d | t5_2to41 | 32 | iamabiz: Tifu by peeing in a trash can in a moving vehicle
This was a couple years ago, but for some reason it came to mind today. I was out with friends drinking and just being a college kid. When it came time to leave an head to another bar I didn't want to wait to use the restroom so off we went. Well this other bar was quite far and my bladder was in the verge of rupturing (at least it felt that way). My friend had a small empty trash can in his back seat, who knows why. So one of the two pretty girls in the back seat hands it to me and I proceed to pull my dick out like an idiot and start pissing in this trash can. Everyone is laughing and there I am relieving myself. All was well and good, the trash can is now holding quite a lot of piss and then it happens... a red light. As you can imagine, going from 40 mph to a dead stop created a disaster. All of the piss sloshed forward and into my pants, shirt, friends car, it was everywhere! The cute girls in the back seat stopped laughing and I had to be driven home to change my pissy pants. I changed, went back and we continued our night. I ended up dating one of those girls for four years so I guess it wasn't that gross.
twoscoop: Why not just get out of the car and piss or open the window and piss, or .. oh drunk
iamabiz: That never even crossed my mind...drunk indeed :/
| 3 | 10.666667 | |
1391925046 | 1392003939 | t3_1xez6l | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting other people use my phone.
Alright so I'm 17 and female and a senior in high school. Our marching band director at school updates all band members with text messages. We use it for things like report times, rehearsal times, equipment we need, etc. and so I have my band director as a contact in my phone.
So one day I'm just chillin in the library with my boyfriend and another guy-friend while I get a little work done. I look up to see them both on my phone, giggling to themselves. This is a semi-normal occurrence, and I figure they're just doing the usual "hacked!" Facebook status thing. Alas, I took my phone to see that they decided to text my band director "penis". I had a mini heart attack as our band director is really strict and I was not in the mood to be yelled at.
Moments later, without giving me time to reprimand the two gentlemen for their stupidity, I get a call from the band director and had another mini heart attack. I made my boyfriend answer it, since it was his doing. He answered the phone and my band director asked to speak to me. I was shaking from fear at this point. This little "joke" had crossed too many lines. My band director firmly said "Are you aware that there was a word texted to me from your phone? " "...yes..." I quietly replied. "It wasn't from me, though, Mr. Peters. My friends took my phone without me knowing." He was okay about it, though. He just said "Alright. Just be careful who you give your phone to."
Though it didn't turn out as bad, I learned two important lessons from this.
1- keep track of your phone.
2- immature high school boys will be immature high school boys.
blakb1rd: What an asshole. I lost a job opportunity because of an ass like that.
[deleted]: Sounds like you're looking for someone to blame. Care to elaborate?
Chakote: *"You're probably full of shit. Tell me more so I can tell you how full of shit you are."*
You announced your intention to tell him he's probably wrong and it's all his fault. Are you surprised he didn't answer?
[deleted]: No but am I surprised you answered.
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1391930280 | 1392039016 | t3_1xf4d6 | t5_2to41 | 4,015 | I_love_shiny_shit: tifu by underestimating my typhoon vagina
I am a fucking idiot.
It has been a loooooooooooong time since I have had enough free time and energy to have a really nice session of flicking the bean. I put a towel down, put fresh batteries in my little friend, set up the laptop between my legs about a foot away, and found some really, really good dp online. Unfortunately, it was apparently too good.
I am really getting into this porn. In my mind, I AM this girl. I am knuckles deep and my little bullet is doing his thing. I start to feel a really, really good orgasm coming. I had been kind of "edging" myself for the better part of 5 minutes, where I would get really close to my orgasm, then back off, in order to have a more powerful "finale". Well fuck me, it's time.
I just rolled into it. It was one of those orgasms where my toes curled up, my legs started shaking, and my whole body felt like I was going to float through the ceiling straight to the stars. It was so intense I almost thought I was going to faint and I started seeing colors REALLY bright. It was like a neon Jackson Pollock in my mind. That kind of intense. Oh, and did I mention I'm a squirter? I only do it during really good sex, or sometimes from an orgasm from anal. So I was not even prepared for the fucking typhoon that erupted from Mt. Saint lady-bits.
I fucking creamed my computer. Not just a little, like I might as well have filled up the tub, kissed it goodbye, and threw its little electronic self in. And the worst part is, I was too far into this orgasm from God himself to even notice until after I regained normal breathing and basic consciousness.
I. AM. FUCKED.
I am alternating between hysterically crying to blow-drying my computer and trying not to hyperventilate myself into a coma. This is my school computer, my work computer, and my connection to the outside world. I don't have the money to replace it nor the means to fix it.
Fuck me :/
TLDR; laptops are not flotation devices.
EDIT**THE PORN IN QUESTION FOR YOU VULTURES: http://www.xnxx.com/video5141493/double_penetration_threesome
EDIT 2***It's really really nice of you guys, but I don't have a bitcoin account. Thanks tho :p
T3hBau5: Not gonna lie, this TIFU kinda turned me on.
I_love_shiny_shit: thanks...I guess?
StopPoopin: This is reddit what did you expect lol, but in all honesty your motherboard is probably toast.
ilikeeatingbrains: Soggy bread, actually.
anotherguy2: instead it was a soggy computer
dabockster: Dude, you're not even trying...
anotherguy2: :( that was me actually trying... I fail
SRSforAll: :( it's okay, the first step to making good jokes is to make sucky jokes!
ilikeeatingbrains: Or make sucky jokes ironically, it helps if you're a vacuum repairman.
| 10 | 401.5 | |
1391957512 | 1392249050 | t3_1xfogi | t5_2to41 | 16 | Archdemonic: TIFU, The Cashier Pointed Out How I Buy My Lubricant in Bulk, I Wasn't Able to Explain.
I don't think she should have, the cashiers know me, they give me a nod they know who I am. They know what I do, and I don't usually have to justify what I do. I have sampled the finest of lubricant.
She asked me, "What's with all the lube?" and I looked to the sky, and I just kind of answered. It was a very absurd answer, kind of just made what I was gonna do even weirder.
Dizz16: Well shit, I would've asked too. Intrigued. Go on?
Archdemonic: Well, I gotta find some way to satisfy my limbic system.
spacepuppy69: You know, I'm just curious as to why you need so much. Like, what exactly do you do to, ahem, satisfy your limbic system?
Archdemonic: Lubricant doesn't expire, it makes sense to buy in bulk.
spacepuppy69: What kind do you get?
I'm seriously asking this, yes.
Archdemonic: Nothing too fancy, but it's decent lubricant.
spacepuppy69: As long as it gets the job done and doesn't gum up
| 8 | 2 | |
1391967770 | 1392006654 | t3_1xg1m9 | t5_2to41 | 738 | Wrong_Time_to_Fap: TIFU by fapping in the middle of the night
Here'show the story goes down. In my house, there's Me, My wife, my parents, my brother, and my niece and nephew. Pretty damn crowded. Too damn crowded to fap during the day.
so I decide to do it at night. Now, I have a wife, and we have a healthy relationship, and an understanding that we both watch porn, and that sometimes, we just need to get off. We've eve watched porn together when the rest of the family was away.
Anyway, my wife usually falls asleep downstairs. I went up to our bedroom, turned on my PC, and proceeded to find something good. 10 minutes or so pass by, and I've found something good enough.
To keep the volume to myself, I plug my headphones into the headphone jack of my speaker system. The speakers need to be on for the headphones to work. Now, the headphones themselves don't project too well, I even have to adjust the cord into a specific position so the sound doesn't cut out; add to that the fact that they're really, fucking quiet.
To put it into perspective, if the volume dial is set to medium, good enough to blast music, the headphones make it sound like static murmuring. So I need to turn the volume **WAY UP** to hear anything remotely well.
I'm about to finish, until I hear the floorboards creaking behind me. I panic and do the first thing that comes to mind. I'm clearly not of sound mind as I do this, but the first thing I do is pull out my headphones.
Fucking immediately, there's a woman screaming "FUCK ME! OHH SHIT! YEAH! FUCK ME!" Blaring like a fucking fire alarm through my house. My wife bursts through the door, I shut off the volume, and close the video.
She looks at me in disbelief, I am dumbfounded, and can only hope that no one else heard that.
**TL;DR:** Shitty Headphones, Loud Volume, Pornographic Fire Alarm blaring in the house.
**Edit:** My wife and I have spoke about the event today. We've decided to never mention this ever again. We can never be sure if anyone else heard the noise, but if we never speak of it, it never happened.
I think I'll buy some USB headphones from now on, and switch the audio output. As well as a door knob with a lock. Problem solved.
[deleted]: Stealth fap pro-tip: When watchin porn at night, keep the curser on the close window button.
Augenmann: or yyour left Hand at ctrl+w (Close tab)
pringlepringle: ha! that's mean! close tab is actually f11 for anyone thinking of doing this
[deleted]: Don't listen to this prick ^
Blackbirdrx7: What does it do? Edit: Am on Mac
[deleted]: Not sure about Mac, but on PC it makes the web browser full screen without a way to close it with your mouse.
NarrowLightbulb: Chrome full screen lets me close it with mouse when move the pointer to the top.
[deleted]: Doesn't it only close individual tabs? (It's been a while for me)
NarrowLightbulb: Oh, I misunderstood. I was talking about closing out of the full screen cause that's what i thought you were referring to when you said "close it", but you were talking about closing out of the whole window/tab. My bad.
[deleted]: No problem. This is the part where I'd say it's ok because English isn't my first language. But it is. Whoops.
| 11 | 67.090909 | |
1391971584 | 1397963597 | t3_1xg7no | t5_2to41 | 61 | NaSTyNewYawK: TIFUpdate by asking to increase the dose of my anti-depressants
Hey /r/tifu. I think I should elaborate more on my situation as my treatment comes to a close. Depending on my depressive symptoms, I may be able to be discharged late this week.
- I am admitted into the Zucker Hillside Behavioral Health Pavilion
- I am 17, and have been depressed since I was 10 (physical abuse, several family deaths)
- I have been cutting since October, and my therapist helped me to reduce the amount of self-harm
- I have the highest privileges out of all the patients. It was earned by complying with the treatment and working as hard as possible. This grants me unsupervised time on the unit. That is how I am able to Reddit. I'm not supposed to be on any site that gives me communication to the outside world.
- This unit is not bad at all. There are 22 patients, and the environment is safe and clean.
- State/Residential was an option for treatment, along with partial/outpatient hospitalizations, however none of the options are valid. I will be returning home after my discharge
**** How I Feel Now ****
I am ready to go home. I do not have many suicidal flashes/visions anymore, nor do I want to end my life. I've made a lot of progress, and the anti-depressants have been very helpful. In terms of self-harm, I'm not 100 percent sure if I'll refrain, but I know I can do it. My main issue is the support (or lack thereof) from my family. They think my sadness is a choice, as if someone chooses to have asthma in the morning (no offense). Mostly, they are frustrated, because they do not understand depression. They do not like the pace that I'm recovering. My mother feels I'm taking too long. But everyone has their own pace, and she has to respect that. I will return home, and I will continue with my treatment with a different counseling center. Wish me luck!
Ineedauniqueusername: Hey, I was meaning to come back and check on you....
It sounds like you're doing better, I'm really glad to hear it. I'm also REALLY glad to hear you won't be hospitalized any further, because that is rarely a good situation.
I'm really sorry to hear about your parents lack of support... I know how difficult that can be. How harmful it can be, even though they think they're doing the right thing.
I would recommend bringing up family therapy with your new counselor, and then your parents (In that order. If you don't feel comfortable asking them, you can give your counselor permission to talk to them.
I would also do two things regarding privacy laws... A: Talk to your new counselor about what her personal practices is are, what she's obligated to tell an outside party, and ask her to warn you if she's going to have to breach your privacy. B: Try to find a lawyer who will work on contingency to bring a lawsuit against that nurse practitioner, because what she did sounded very illegal. At the very least call your local medical board's attention to her actions, and let them know you feel your rights to privacy were violated. These sorts of things are very serious, and should be handled as such.
Now, all these things should be first line approaches, these are the priorities and the best way to set up a support network for yourself. That said, there is a complete stranger on the internet who's been through a very similar situation (although I wound up institutionalized for 2 years because I was a minor) I don't care if sounds cheesy/creepy/corny/insincere or whatever. But I love and support you. If you ever need to talk to someone in confidence, just to get shit off of your chest, please feel free to send me a PM. I'll respond as quickly as I can.
I've been in a similar place as you. I know how difficult and how lonely it can get. But you don't have to go through this alone. There are people who would be happy to help support you and keep you going.
Take care of yourself.
NaSTyNewYawK: Hey man. Thanks for the feedback. I really appreciate it. Right now I've been handling my suicidal feelings a lot better and I don't have any urges to self harm. However I do have the feeling of "better off without me" when it comes to my family. And if that's not true, they don't seem to be better with me.
Ineedauniqueusername: Of course. Glad to hear you're doing better =)
I know how you feel about the "better off without me" feeling. It's something I still struggle with. That's the shitty thing about depression, is not just a phase, outs something you'll probably struggle with your whole life...
If there's ever anything I can do... of you need someone to talk to... feel free to pm me
NaSTyNewYawK: I want to end it sometimes. And there's nothing j can do. I'll be really happy and still have the thoughts
Ineedauniqueusername: =/
I know that sucks.... It seems strange to me that you still have the suicidal ideation even when you're still having the thoughts... Have you got a better therapist yet? It sounds like you might be dealing with some side effects from the meds....
Hopefully everything starts getting better... If you ever need someone to talk to... feel free to PM me...
Take care =)
| 6 | 10.166667 | |
1391974996 | 1392079297 | t3_1xgdam | t5_2to41 | 79 | Flanman1337: TIFU By not finishing what I started
So I went out for a smoke and while doing so I had one of those flashing oh fuck go now or it will be all over your underwear. So like the normal person I am I comply, the moment after I sit down the most liquid shit of my life happens. So for about 5 mins liquid is pouring out of my asshole then it stops and a tiny solid turd plops into the bowl it kinda soaked my ass in shit water and I take about another 5 minutes to clean myself up. By this time I figure I am through it and go back to work. How very wrong I was I am back working for about 10 mins and instead of farting I feel liquid running out of my asshole. So I now have my underwear halfway down my ass because it's soaked in shit but still there in case it happens again during my remaining 6 hours of work.... today has not been a good day.
[deleted]: Time to reset the counter...god my arm is sore.
[deleted]: Don't you counter guys get days off?
Bloop2012: There isn't a day that goes by that people don't shit themselves and run to the internet to tell everyone.
"Yay! I just shit myself motherfucker! Yeah!"... Sigh
Obligatory downvote, OP post is full of shit.
irGoodman: Original post post?
wrectangle: Origianl Poster post.
| 6 | 13.166667 | |
1391975696 | 1391993629 | t3_1xgegq | t5_2to41 | 3 | secretnymph: tifu by melting my sex toys
i was sanitizing them via boiling in water. got high/distracted and forgot. until i smelled the burning..
all the silicone ones are ruined! the borosilicate glass one will presumably be okay.
DAMN-IT!! *kicking self*
ticklemehellmo: Silicone's melting point hovers around 900F.
secretnymph: hmm, don't know how hot it got.. was a copper bottomed pot on high flame ignored for ~60-120mins. they weren't melted all the way through or anything, but the parts touching the bottom of the pan were goo-ified and deformed. smelled awful too. still kicking myself: *DUMBASS*
| 3 | 1 | |
1391990848 | 1392068359 | t3_1xh3ls | t5_2to41 | 105 | [deleted]: TIFU by sending the girl of my dreams that I just got back together with porn.
Back story: We dated, broke up, allowed her to come back. In love. She found out I watched porn in month one and was devastated. Swore I'd never do it again.
My friend sent me a video from "efukt" of a drugged out Florida girl acting obnoxious while having sex. I didn't even watch it. I just blinkly copied the link and pasted it. Saw what it was. Didn't watch it and x'd out. Go on youtube listen to new music. GF hits me up on Facebook and shows me what she is listening to. I think I'll return the favor. I didn't copy and paste correctly and I didn't check before I sent. boom. Porn to the love of my life. gets off facebook and only tells me that she feels sick. Bad enough it was porn, even worse that it was fucked up porn, Not even a consolation prize of actually jerking it to porn for the first time in months. I'm afraid she is going to leave me again. I'm freaking out. We will see what tomorrow holds.
[deleted]: It's not too healthy that she doesn't allow you to watch porn.
Drunk_Uncle_Ted: I agree. but you make compromises for love. If we weren't long distance I wouldn't even need it.
[deleted]: You're a strong man for not watching porn. Keep on keeping on.
Drunk_Uncle_Ted: She broke up with me. I'm sure I'll find a girl my age that is a little more rational. She just wouldn't believe me. I never lied to her but I'm just going to move on.
AccidentalyOffensive: Did you tell her your side of the story? Perhaps show her a screenshot of the message?
Drunk_Uncle_Ted: Both. She wouldn't listen to logic or reason. And thank you for not being a massive tool like all the down voters. You don't need porn if you're having sex.
| 7 | 15 | |
1392002251 | 1392003366 | t3_1xhlgi | t5_2to41 | 129 | RingTailedLemur: TIFU by troubleshooting my butane lighter
I'm the proud owner of a Blazer brand name Micro Pocket Torch which I've been using with pleasure for more than 5 years. Recently, my torch has been suffering from low/intermittent gas flow and the electric start hasn't been working. No worries- I've been using my bic thumb-action to ignite the Micro Pocket Torch before lighting my preferred smoking apparatus with it. This step is necessary in order to get an even burn without pulling butane through said smoking apparatus. So tonight, just minutes ago, I had settled into my chair and fired up the old computer in hopes of finding solace in a pleasant evening of reddit while enjoying a fine smoke. Only tonight i couldnt get my Blazer brand name Micro Pocket Torch to fire, even with bic thumb-action lighter assistance. So i begin to troubleshoot my good old Micro Pocket Torch. I first check the fuel tank, which has sufficient supply. Next i check the trigger is depressing as it should- its performing its action correctly. Next i mess with the fuel flow control lever. I adjust it up and down while listening carefully for the sound of gas escaping. I slide the lever to closed, then to open. I depress the ignition trigger and hear a faint hiss of gas evacuating the Micro Pocket Torch that quickly tapers off, even though i continue to hold the trigger, until nothing can be heard at all. "That odd" I thought to myself, "It's got fuel but not much seems to be getting out, not even enough to ignite with an open flame." I press the trigger again and again, listening for the tell tale hiss of fuel flowing from the lighter. Nothing. "Well, this thing has given me years of faithful service, maybe its finally dead" I though. I decided to give the non-functioning fuel valve one last try before committing my beloved Micro Pocket Torch to the landfill so i held it up to my ear for a better listen and once again depressed the trigger. The Micro Pocket Torch lets out a loud WOOOSH noise as it fires up mere centimeters from my head. I let out a yelp and quickly withdraw the Micro Pocket Torch from my crisped ear as odorous plumes of burned hair and earwax quickly foul the air. After troubleshooting my Micro Pocket Torch i still dont know exactly whats wrong with it but i did deduce that im a fucking idiot.
TL;DR: Held a butane lighter to my head, turned the lighter on, and burnt my ear.
EDIT: Spelling, some literary editing
fuctarp: Should have gone to play basketball, years of conditioning has taught me those who are on fire are very skilled at the art of basketball
RingTailedLemur: this is 100% true.
fuctarp: On the plus side ring tailed lemurs are pretty cool
RingTailedLemur: I can also confirm above comment as totally non-fictitious
| 5 | 25.8 | |
1392000322 | 1392006626 | t3_1xhih7 | t5_2to41 | 51 | coolestguy1234: TIFU by touching my dick and balls while having a capsaicin cream on my hands
So if you don't know what this cream is, its similar to IcyHot except its not a cool refreshing burning. It's a super hot chili pepper type burning. If your skin is dry, not much happens and the cream doesn't activate, if you start sweating or get warm water on it, it will burn like a mother fucker.
So I put some of the cream on a tissue and was applying it to my shoulder. I didn't think any got on my hands, but apparently it did. My balls and dick were sweaty and at some point I decided to touch them with my hand that I applied the cream with. A few minutes went by and I started feeling a light burning sensation. It wasn't too bad, it actually felt nice. Then it started getting hotter. I was still able to take it. Then it just got way to hot for me to take.
I went into the shower and had warm water on and it just burned my dick and balls even more. Then I turned on just straight colder water that mustve been like 30 degrees and just froze my dick and balls.
I thought the pain was over but it returned shortly after. I ran back into the shower washed my dick and balls in cold water again, put on my shorts without drying myself off and filled a cup with water and went and sat down and dipped my balls and dick in the icey water.
Finally, relief....Then my asscrack started burning because the water that was on my body and was now in my shorts was getting in my ass crack.
thebboy1200: Dude, that sucks so bad...
Oblivious_Indian_Guy: Man, capsaicin is such a dick
| 3 | 17 | |
1391999662 | 1392072523 | t3_1xhhg4 | t5_2to41 | 63 | PussyBender: TIFU by being an unsuspecting fuck.
Soooo I googled typhoon vagina for no reason after reading [this](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1xf4d6/tifu_by_underestimating_my_typhoon_vagina/) title and my mom entered my room just as I was watching a pussy pic in fullscreen. That's just my luck... Plus I was scratching my balls and she probably thinks I was masturbating... how am I supposed to look at her in the eyes now.
Mind you, it was in the middle of the day and my door was wide open, so she must think that I like to jerk it with the doors open, for the thrill or something.
TheNewGuyNickD: Well at least tell us what you discovered!
PussyBender: Well, it turns out if you google typhoon vagina you have to do a lot of scrolling to actually find a vagina.
SF_Hydro: So you admit that your objective was to find a vagina then.
| 4 | 15.75 | |
1392006032 | 1392342131 | t3_1xhr7n | t5_2to41 | 1,436 | 2slow4you: TIFU by sticking my dick in old spunk [NSFW...obviously]
Sooo I decided I would spank the monkey today. Got out my little pocket pussy I take when I go to work(I work a 2 week rotation about 3k kms from home). I forgot however that two night ago after coming back to camp from the bar with the boys I also beat the meat, was drunk and said fuck it, I'll clean it tomorrow. Well I remembered today that I did in fact forget to clean it, when I stuck my pecker in it and the most foul smelling yellow liquid came out and shower'd my shaft and balls in it's vileness. I got a shower and my nether region still stinks.
tl;dr stuck my meat in a pus-like 2 day old jizz reservoir
Meth-Damon: How the hell did a liquid come out? My cum dries up pretty fucking quickly and just becomes crusty. I thought that was the norm.
Disgruntled_Fridge: Mine dries within a few minutes. That's normal right?
sicicsic: I don't think so. Mine comes out dry.
[deleted]: Mine comes out as a puff of powder
Wakewalking: Mine comes out as a feint, single cough of air.
moviegeek81: mine comes out as a flag on a stick that say's pow.
aSlipperySloth: Mine doesn't even come out.
ZesAelik: Mine stays outside.
Txankete51: Mine enters my dick.
Shh-its-alright: Another dick comes out my dick.
| 11 | 130.545455 | |
1392011378 | 1392058929 | t3_1xhyj0 | t5_2to41 | 20 | roper1: TIFU by watching a horror movie
I'm in high school and I made it into the higher level choir this semester. I was pretty happy about succeeding at the audition and I have I good time in the class.
Whenever I'm at home I spend my time in the basement because that's where the TV, computer, and consoles are. There's also a futon couch/bed thing I often sleep on. On a typical night I'll play some videogames, reddit, and watch a movie on dvd or Netflix.
Last night around midnight, I found the dvd of Insidious and put it on. It was a hell of a lot scarier then I remembered and I spent movie snuggling a blanket on the futon. I couldn't get the horror out of my head for while after it finished. To try and get to sleep I put on a random kids show (Word Girl). After about ten minutes I was able to fall asleep.
Unbeknownst to me, the senoirs in my new choir had a wake-up breakfast planned for the day. For those who don't know, a wake-up breakfast is where the senoirs of a group pull the noobies out of bed at ungodly hours, to take them to get a meal of pancakes and humiliation. Its kind of a gentle hazing thing.
So, at 4:30in the morning, just a few hours after I fell asleep, three attractive senoir girls can into my basement to wake me up. They found me laying on my couch, with my legs curled beneath me, my boxer clad butt sticking up high in the air, and Word Girl playing on the TV.
I'm sure it will be a while before they let me forget it.
BreakfastWithReddit: Did you still go to breakfast? What did the girls say to you when you woke up?
roper1: I didn't have any choice about the breakfast! They just ushered me into their car. I didn't even realize what I had done until they brought it up. They said something along the lines of "Soooo Word Girl huh? Pretty good show?" I tried to explain, but they wouldn't really listen. Everyone at the breakfast sure found out about it, which was humiliating. Im sure the whole choir'll know on Monday.
SHFFLE: The important thing is that you be willing to joke about it. The people who have something embarrassing happen and can laugh about it? They have a far better time of it than those that just end up cringing every time something embarrassing they did comes up.
| 4 | 5 | |
1392016975 | 1392058694 | t3_1xi4rk | t5_2to41 | 14 | Coburg: TIFU by reading this subreddit .-.
After leaving my house this morning with a fully charged phone I began to make the hour long journey on public transport to uni.
After my meeting, I began heading home.
I had about 30% battery on my phone (Thanks apple xox).
Waiting at the bus stop, my friend called me on Skype and told me about this subreddit and someones typhoon vagina, so he linked me the thread and we began scrolling through together while I made my way home.
After a bus and one train, I was waiting at the station for my second train which was in about 3 minutes and I came across a thread about a guy who ate his own smegma. Engrossed in the story I look up to see my train's doors closing as it departs the station. I had 5% battery on my phone and I had to wait another 20 minutes for another train with no phone battery :(
TL;DR - Missed my train because I was too busy reading about some guy eating his own dick cheese
Joshpho: I thought your phone was going to read the typhoon vagina story out loud with some text to voice plugin. on the train where you couldn't escape. that woulda been funny
SHFFLE: Some phones and their inability to be completely silenced (like Apple's voice control) annoy the shit out of me.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1392015447 | 1392026943 | t3_1xi36r | t5_2to41 | 106 | PM_ME_YOUR_BREAKFAST: TIFU By trying to put out a fire with soda
So it's 1 AM. I decide I want some toast. I put a few slices of bread in the toaster oven, let that sumbitch get nice and toasty. When it's nice and golden brown, I pull it out and put it on a paper plate, throw some butter on that bitch and toss it back in. With the plate. I didn't realize what I did til the toaster oven starting spewing smoke and the plate was on fire. Genius me decided to grab my roommate's two liter bottle of Sprite on the counter and toss that on there to douse it. I had previously forgotten that it was filled with vegetable oil from when my genius roommate broke a bottle of it open and poured the rest in an old Sprite bottle. Fire and oil aren't friends. Next thing I know, I put on some oven mitts and I'm hauling a flaming toaster oven outside to prevent the gates of hell from consuming my apartment. I sat it out in the parking lot and sat by it til Hades stopped damning my toast. I tossed it in the dumpster, returned my roommates oven mitts and ate untoasted bread.
TL;DR: Don't let your roommate fill a Sprite bottle with vegetable oil. It turns your toaster oven into a portal to the netherrealm.
vertstang86: Thanks for keeping me employed!
- A local public safety professional.
PM_ME_YOUR_BREAKFAST: You're welcome. I think. Nobody was called. I just sort of sat there on my phone while the fire died out. Then a bit longer while it cooled.
vertstang86: Well if you are accident probe, as this story suggests, I'm sure my statement still stands. Lol.
PM_ME_YOUR_BREAKFAST: Haha, I'm not usually accident prone. This was a rare moment of exceptional dumbassery.
vertstang86: Fair enough. Haha.
| 6 | 17.666667 | |
1392048196 | 1392246597 | t3_1xiys6 | t5_2to41 | 189 | [deleted]: Tifu by showing my friend something on my phone
me and my friend are both redditors. we show each other stuff we found on reddit all the time. today i handed him my phone to show him something, and he thought it would be funny to go through all my subscriptions. The thing is i subscribe to literally every subreddit i come across, even the most nsfw/wtf subreddits(spacedicks, gone wild, fear me, gore etc..) pretty much every subreddit there is, i'm subscribed to it. It makes my front page interesting. 75% of them i don't even browse. He was disgusted at the stuff he saw, calling me a pervert and a psychopath and i'm pretty sure the people around us heard him call out the names of the actual subreddits. I was fucking horrified. I tried to grab the phone from him, but he wouldn't give it back. I'm also a girl, so it makes being subscribed to /r/gonewild that much worse. i don't think i have ever been this embarrassed in my life. i haven't said a word to him since, because i'm pretty sure he thinks i'm a freak.
That_Deaf_Guy: >I'm also a girl so it makes being subscribed to /r/gonewild that much worse.
RIP in peace your inbox.
audioeng: Rest in peace in peace?
imBanner: Rip in peace is a common saying among gamers. Not sure why, it might have some back story but that's how the saying goes for whatever reason. Not sure if you watch gaming streams but kripparian says it a lot. I doubt he coined it but yea, there ya go lol.
MelonHeadSeb: I don't think it really has much to do with gamers or gaming.
>[The phrase “rip in peace” originates from a Finnish imageboard called Kuvalauta, where an anonymous poster posted a picture of a tombstone with words “R.I.P. Make 1.3.1996-16.7.2010” and a Suzuki PV in front of it. In the post was announced that a Finnish meme hero Make had violently died when crashing in to a police car while doing a wheelie after consuming a large amount of energy drinks.
The first reply to that post was the infamous term “rip in peace”, acknowledging the fact that a cultural hero had passed away and paying the most utmost respect.](http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/rip-in-peace)
LadyLouCup: "RIP in peace" is what he's talking about. It is a gamer thing. I don't know the origins either, but come across it frequently.
MelonHeadSeb: B... but I just said what the origins were...
Did you reply to the wrong comment?
LadyLouCup: Sometimes I'm stuck on stupid.
MelonHeadSeb: Don't worry about it :)
| 9 | 21 | |
1392051697 | 1392163796 | t3_1xj49m | t5_2to41 | 357 | AlfrescoPoopcicle: TIFU by having a beer poo on the side of the ski piste
So it is Sunday night and the first day of my Ski holiday, we drank a lot of red wine, cheap / free red wine.
I get really drunk, eventually fall asleep after riding the bed rollercoaster (the room is spinning badly).
I wake up, its Monday morning and I am hanging, this is the worst hangover I've had in 6 months.
We get on the first ski lift of the day, I'm literally hanging over the lift bar thinking I am going to puke but I keep going.
After an hour of skiing we are going mogul field when I get the urge to go, I need a shit. I need the shit this exact second.
As far as I know I am in the middle of nowhere, miles away from the nearest bog.
I try to move behind a big tree, the only tree on the slope but I can't because the snow is so deep I keep sinking into my waist.
**I'm starting to panic.**
The only other option is a rocky stream but its out in the open, I can see people going up on the chair lift but I am just about far away that it will just look like I'm having a rest.
So I drop my pants and sit.. I release the worst french wine poo, it steams as it hits the rocks below.
At this point I reach into my backpack to find the tissues
**I DIDNT PACK TISSUES**
A load of people ski down the slope about ten meters away from me, they must have known for sure.
I tried to wipe my ass with snow but it just turns to shitty water.
At this point I cut my losses and pull my trousers back up, I ski down to meet my friend.
He is waiting for me roughly 100 meters down the slope, just around the corner.
HE IS STOOD NEXT TO A FUCKING TOILET!
I go in, wipe up... go back to the hotel and have a good shower / change my underwear.
...for the rest of the holiday that lift was known as 'the poo lift'
and there is the story....
/shame
Oh, and I covered the poo like a wild animal..
taserbeam: How did beer poo turn into wine shits?
AlfrescoPoopcicle: I was waiting for someone to point that out.
My friends have always called them beer poo's regardless of the drink of choice.
:)
sfonta2: My friend calls it party butt. Its the best phrase I've ever heard for it
AlfrescoPoopcicle: Will have to remember that one. Party Bum is a better phrase in the UK but I got it from you :)
humanbeingarobot: Down in the down under countries we call it booze poos.
Cougs67: I'm using this from now on. It even rhymes!
humanbeingarobot: Totally! You can even sing it in the style of the Blue's Clues theme song.
bigjake40oz: DADS: Day After Drinking Shits
| 9 | 39.666667 | |
1392061400 | 1392095224 | t3_1xjktv | t5_2to41 | 1,229 | Pixie_Strangler: TIFU by leaving drugs out on the table.
My friends and I fucked up bad..... This actually happened Saturday afternoon/evening.
Friday night, some friends of mine threw a huge show with a pretty big name DJ for our small town. It was epic and we were all totally fucked up by the end of the night. Two of my friends and I ended up taking a hit L each around 7 AM Saturday morning, then we all ended up passing out as we started to come up. I remember as I was eating my breakfast sandwich from McDonald's, the sandwich became less appealing as the concept of the sandwich became more appealing, and shortly afterwards, I went to sleep.
Needless to say, I woke up tripping balls in the afternoon, as did my companions. After an afternoon of watching LOTR, snuggling puppies, and smoking, it was time to plan for the rest of the day. There was another show that night, so I thought it'd be a good idea to power through the evening.
First thing first was to get some food in us. Then the obvious answer was to take more drugs. We had been doing dabs all day, and I had some mushrooms I'd been saving for a special occasion. After straightening up a bit, the three of us pile into the car to take a trip to Little Caesar's. I had the mushrooms in my pocket, and threw them on the table last minute. Better than riding dirty, right?
WRONG!!!
We get back to the house, and one of my friends notices something isn't right. The hash oil was missing. We found a piece with chew marks on it... The puppies....
We freaked out. One of friends immediately start inducing vomiting in the puppies. Hash oil can be really toxic for dogs, and these were seriously just puppies and about a gram and a half was missing. That's when my friend found the chewed up plastic bag, and informed me the dogs ate my weed. Well... I found my weed in my bag, nice and untouched. Then it dawns on me, the mushrooms... I tell my friends that my herb was fine, but their puppies ate the shrooms. We had already induced vomiting, and the puppies threw up all they could. We debated getting their stomaches pumped, but it wouldn't have done much more good, and it would have been really hard on them. So we had no other choice than to babysit the fucked up pups until they came down....
So instead of having a second rocking night out and tripping on mushrooms, we stayed in, came down off of the acid, and trip-sat the troublemakers....
Just so you all know, the puppies are totally 100% fine.
TL;DR My friends' puppies love drugs.
Jakakan5: So, did the puppies show any signs of actually being intoxicated at all? Or were they just a little sick?
Oh, also, how does one induce puppy vomiting?
SatansChronic: Well you can usually make your dog drink water mixed with salt and that will upset their stomach enough to make them throw up. But most of the time the dog will know their stomach is upset so they will go outside and eat grass and that will make them vomit. Then there's the old stick your finger down their throat trick.
Source: My dogs love chocolate cake.
Deidara77: How do dogs know to eat grass?
SatansChronic: I'm not entirely sure? But they eat it and it forces them to throw up? So I suppose its just a learned experience. I'm sure every dog has eaten grass at one point just because and when they figure out that it makes them throw up then they will probably repeat it. I mean dogs aren't stupid.
badredditjame: >I'm sure every dog has eaten grass at one point just because...I mean dogs aren't stupid.
ಠ_ಠ
SatansChronic: For the same reason why does my dog eat her poo? It is some primal instinct to cover their scent from potential "prey" and by prey I mean the bastard squirrel running on top of my fence.
Omgcorgitracks: Its because your dog likes to eat poop, my mom had a basset hound that would eat her poop and would sometimes even go downstairs to the cat box and get the little cat turds and eat/carry them with her.
SatansChronic: I've heard mixed reviews on the matter, but I think you're right in some regard. Some dogs just like to eat their own and other animal's poop. While I still think for other dogs, such as hunting dogs like labs, retrievers etc, it might be part of instinct. It's like when I take my dogs to the dog park and they find a dead bird on the ground, they ABSOLUTELY have to roll around in it. Because they enjoy the bath I give them afterwards? Maybe but probably not. In reality it makes more sense that it masks their scent from other animals, in comparison to how a hunter uses scents to attract deer and cover their own scent in their blinds. For a Bassett hound it might not make much sense but for a retriever that was bred with hunting in mind it sounds about right to me. But until dogs can talk like Doug from Up with special collars we won't know for sure.
TL:DR; dogs love poop.
Omgcorgitracks: I heard those collars exist now but the dog can only express hunger, being happy, or like simple things, it was on reddit like a month ago
SatansChronic: Say what? I need to google this.
Omgcorgitracks: http://www.geek.com/games/collar-uses-raspberry-pi-to-translate-dog-thoughts-to-human-speech-1580078/
| 12 | 102.416667 | |
1392078116 | 1392137582 | t3_1xkeoa | t5_2to41 | 83 | floydfreak: TIFU by not locking the bathroom door and having my sister walk in while shaving my balls.
So one of the many odd things my dog likes to do is to lick the bath tub after someone takes a shower. So as per usual as I am toweling off I hear him scratching at the door to be let in and commence the licking. This is where I made the fatal mistake of not re-locking the door after letting him. Fast forward 15 minutes, my face is nice and cleanly shaven when I decide it's time to do some manscaping. I get a good lather going and proceed to cover my nether regions in the warm goo. Aside from doing just the testicles I usually do the gooch as well. This is a bit of a process and involves one leg on the counter and me bent in the most awkward yoga position. So there I am one leg on the counter, bent like a pretzel and a very sharp blade mere inches from my nut sack when I hear the door open. Before I could even move my 21 year old sister opens the door and our eyes lock, no words were exchanged but the look on her face was terrifying. She simple just closed the door behind her and I finished up what I was doing. I think I need to move out of the country now...TIFU!
merz123: Locked eyes from across the room
sgt_roflman: Down my drink while the rhythms boom
rivz11: Forget we share the same surname
[deleted]: I know it's wrong but I still came
| 5 | 16.6 | |
1392078413 | 1392145620 | t3_1xkf8b | t5_2to41 | 339 | rivz11: TIFU by offering my fiance watermelon, leading to a three pronged buttvomiturine storm.
Let me first say that this did not happen today, but a year and a half ago in the sunny resort town of Phuket...
We were a week into our holiday, four weeks of living the life that many westerners dream of when they imagine their South East Asia getaway with sun, sea, sand & cocktails on the beach.
My fiancé and I had worked hard for several months to fund the holiday, and now it was all worth it – life was great, no worries in the world, just pure relaxation and taking in the wonders of Thailand.
And that is when it all went to hell.
We had been staying at a hotel that was nice enough; a pool, a bar, and reasonably well kept rooms.
The food was another matter...Our first clue should have been when we ordered a hamburger each from the hotel, resulting in a plate of raw, chunky beef so disturbing, that I think I even saw half of the cow’s eye mixed in there.
We did not eat this...and that should have been our clue to never eat there again...such fools we were.
Fast forward a few days and we woke up late...not like we had anywhere to be.
Out of pure laziness, we just drifted to the buffet breakfast on offer, instead of going to a place around the corner like we normally did.
We gobbled down our breakfast; bacon, eggs, toast etc. We both ate the same things...except one thing.
Before we left, I noticed they still had watermelon left and knowing my fiancé enjoys the fruit, I pointed her toward it.
We chatted away as she munched those delicious slices of fate, not knowing how soon we would see them again.
Fast forward an hour and we are laying on the sun beds by the pool.
I was reading the Hunger Games as I recall, when all of a sudden she starts to growl.
This strikes me as unusual, as humans do not normally growl whilst sunbathing.
Turns out she is feeling lightheaded and needs shade, so we head back to our room and she lies down.
Fast forward another half hour and she is shivering, when all of a sudden her face just drops like when someone has seen a ghost.
She had not seen a ghost but she sure felt some evil spirits brewing as she bolted to the bathroom without the time to slam the door.
Within milliseconds of her sitting on the toilet, I hear an unholy volume of poop fly into that poor piece of porcelain. This continues for roughly a minute as I try to keep up with the flushing.
We think it is over, for a moment we even laugh...what fools we were.
Suddenly she burps, and pulls that expression of questioning you pull when you aren’t sure if you are full or sick. It turns out it was the latter.
Now the bathroom was tiny, with the toilet directly in front of the sink.
She lurches forward and unleashes a wave of watermelon and pina colada so demonic in volume and fury, it made the exorcist look like Sesame St.
I hold her hair back and try to comfort her as the horror unfolds.
She speaks in semi sentences, as each time she tries to talk is interrupted by another heave.
“shit” she says
“I know, it’s going to be okay.”
“no, shit!”
It turns out the buttstorm ain’t finished with her yet and is seconds from disaster.
Thinking quickly, she hovers half a foot above the seat and tries to keep in range of the sink if she can perform a projectile lob of vomit on an angle to reach it.
It backfires. Badly.
Everything misses and the room bares witness to a double ended barrage of human excrement.
The toilet seat is now a soiled mess, we have pass the point of no return. Shit flies across the floor and blends with the vomit in a sea of vile.
At some point during this hellish sickstorm, her bowels cease any attempt to hold anything in anymore.
Pee now enters the fray.
A three headed volcano of filth is now flowing forth from the love of
my life.
The liquid feces strewn across the floor is so dense that it forms a whirlpool around the drainpipe.
I am hit with a waft of sulphurous foulness, my eyes watering with a burning agony, but still I persevere to stay by her side.
There is a moment of calm where she is able to catch her breath, giving us a chance to properly survey the scene for the first time.
Warzones don’t look this grim.
There is shit everywhere. The floor. The walls. The roof.
How the fuck did she hit the roof?
That’s how furious this episode was, somehow, she hit the roof.
I run out to reception and tell the staff to order an ambulance.
They refuse, saying they will send their own doctor in two weeks.
Forget that. I demand an ambulance and after five minutes of arguing, she finally agrees.
The ambulance crew were great, really nice and helpful.
Those poor sons of bitches had no idea what was waiting for them.
We re-enter the room to get her out and onto the stretcher and I will never forget the sight.
My fiancé was slumped against the toilet like a starfish, surrounded by a prison of poop, looking up at me and the crew with the biggest “fuck my life” expression I have ever seen.
In this brief moment of silence, the other girl from reception, who also acts as one of the maids comes in as well, and speaks the only words of English we ever heard her say
“Oh, fuck that.” She says before muttering in Thai.
We went to the hospital, they took great care of her, and after a hard couple of days, she made a full recovery and we enjoyed the rest of our holiday in peace.
But never will we forget,
The horror...the horror.
It took her a year to eat watermelon again.
TL; DR: I suggested my fiance eat fruit which I was unaware was poison, resulting in a self entombing of crap.
dralcax: what the fuck was in that melon?
rivz11: I think by the time we got up, it had been in the sun for a few hours, also hygiene standards are open to interpretation in SE Asia.
cartedumonde: It's probably the water in it. Don't eat fruit in countries where you can't drink the water because they are rinsed/grow in contaminated water. Also, ice cubes.
TengilsWhale: Does this count for drinks too? Like at a restaurant?
cartedumonde: Yes. Be careful of ice, and of garnish on/in drinks.
| 6 | 56.5 | |
1392071178 | 1392102898 | t3_1xk2y3 | t5_2to41 | 40 | cliveywivey: TIFU during a run.
Actually this happened last summer.
So recently while in Rimini Italy I went for a run along the beach (I run a LOT). Unfortunately for me I got half way when my stomach went, “whatt the fuck” and really started to hurt. I decided to turn around IN A HURRY! thinking, “fuck” I have to get back.
While running I started to assess my options, thinking maybe the beach or perhaps a hotel along the sea front would do. The beach wasn't an option because you have to pay to go to the beach in Italy (I mean wtf - right??) Eventually I just couldn't hold it anymore and ran into the first hotel I could find.
Clenching my butt cheeks, I asked if there was a bathroom I could use. Turns out there was but I had to cross the foyer to get there. So, walking like I had just been gang raped in the ass, I crossed the foyer and it I exploded right there in the foyer in front of the reception desk. You can't imagine my embarrassment as this tsunami of excrement gushed down my leg onto the floor.
So, that said I would just like to take this opportunity APOLOGISE to those poor Italian fuckers that had to clean my filth - SORRY!
TLDR; Reset the counter.
lostdeceiver: What did you do after you exploded?
sgt_roflman: asking the real questions
| 3 | 13.333333 | |
1392090290 | 1392091080 | t3_1xkzdl | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: Post-workout adrenaline + lust - discretion = TIFU
ringberar: You should of left out the meme
shakestuffup73: THIS I ALREADY KNOW. Kinda sorta hence the regrettable fuck up. I can't think straight after a late night workout :( I doubt I can redeem myself either...oh well.
ringberar: Oh well. Lol we all do embarrassing things that we regret. I wouldnt let it ruin your week.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1392090668 | 1392125738 | t3_1xl025 | t5_2to41 | 189 | ManiacMan97: TIFU by anonymously telling my class I have a rape fetish.
In my highschool we have a student government class. In said class we sometimes do fun little group activities.
In today's activity we were told to write our deepest, darkest secret on a slip of paper and it would be read aloud. It was supposed to remind us that everyone is person or some shit. I liked it but whatever.
Anyway, I tend to take things seriously so I thought long and hard about what might be a secret kept under lock and key that I have. I didn't really have any so I went with the second best thing.
I, in a moment of genius, decided to write a quick sentence about how I have a rape fetish. Not a big deal I thought. This is a judgement-free zone, right?
LOL
You should have seen my teachers face. It was a mix of confusion and disgust. Everyone was uncomfortable and upset.
Everyone began looking around the room for the culprit. Thankfully I'm a fairly inconspicuous guy so their glares rolled pass me.
The worst part? The confession that came right mine was about how someone's dad didn't believe their daughter was raped.
Now it's going around that there is a rapist in SGA and people are looking for him. Ahhhh, youth.
TL;DR: People are looking for a non-existent rapist and I'm worried they'll find him.
P.S Oh, and since this isn't a secret per se, a few of my curious friends know about my interest. I'm a bit afraid they'll find out through them.
Quatzecoatl: .... Why would you write that? I mean, I'm cool with a rape fetish, I won't deny it's somewhat hot; but seriously, at school? Never a good idea
ManiacMan97: I have come to the conclusion that I do not understand consequences.
Quatzecoatl: Well, do you understand the consequences of rape? I mean, rape fetish is one thing, but hopefully you wouldn't actually go out and rape someone?
ManiacMan97: Yo of course.
I like to think I'm a morally sound person.
But yeah no. No I would never actually rape anyone. Just because someone has a foot fetish doesn't mean they go around rubbing people's feet without permission.
Quatzecoatl: Wait you don't run people's feet without permission? Well, shit
Blizzerac: Don't worry man I do it all the time.
| 7 | 27 | |
1392088313 | 1392152764 | t3_1xkw4q | t5_2to41 | 14 | swimshoe: TIFU by leaving a needle at my friends house.
I am a Type 1 diabetic, and I use an insulin pump. My pump requires that you feel a 200 mg vile full of insulin then inject it into this little on the device itself.
I was chilling with a friend about two weeks ago, and I needed to do a site change, the changing of the placement and sterile parts of the pump, and without thinking I left the needle there by accident (I'm usually more careful of my supplies, rarely do i actually leave any of my equipment anywhere).
A couple days ago my friend texts me frantically asking If i left a needle at his place, and with a picture, I confirmed it was mine. He told me he thought that one of his roommates was into heroin, so He flipped the fuck out on his roommate, and ended up kicking his roommate out just before he texted me. whoops.
TL;DR: Left a needle at a friends, almost ended up with someone kick out of their own home.
And no, his roommate never had done heroin, and yes, he was let back into the apartment.
[deleted]: it's kinda fucked to kick someone out for using heroin.
NobodySpecific: Really? Why is that? Would you want to come home to a roommate that had overdosed? Would you want to come home and find all of your shit gone because the junky decided to pawn it all? Would you want to be associated, in any way, with a drug that is facing increased scrutiny from law enforcement and causing a high number of accidental fentanyl overdoses?
We are all free to do what we want, but I'll be damned if you bring that shit into my house. I'm not even against illicit drugs, but I draw the line at a drug that regularly causes overdose deaths of its users and creates fix-hungry junkies willing to steal anything from anybody.
What is fucked up is jumping to conclusions based on 1 piece of evidence and without trying to understand what happened.
[deleted]: jumping to conclusions is what your friend did when he found that needle. a real friend would help a heroin addicted friend not kick them out without any evidence of drug use.
NobodySpecific: Uh, my friend? I have no connection to the story. I was saying that the guy who kicked him out jumped to conclusions.
I understand that sometimes drug addicts need help, but what makes you think the roommate was a friend? If the guy is willing to kick him out over something unconfirmed, then I'm assuming there is bad history or no history between them. If it was somebody that I did not know I would not hesitate to kick them out for using heroin in my living space, and I would feel no guilt about doing so. A close friend is a completely different situation.
[deleted]: oh, i see. that is different. i personally wouldn't kick them out but i can understand kicking someone out you're not close with. i'm used to being around hardcore drug addicts.
| 6 | 2.333333 | |
1392095859 | 1392140473 | t3_1xl7wp | t5_2to41 | 20 | thiscommentisdumb: TIFU by inadvertently asking a stranger out on Valentine's DAy
So I met this girl on Tinder. (Don't judge me!) I have running plans on Wednesday with friends, a date on Thursday, work Saturday night and plans Sunday with a friend. In my mind, I'm thinking Friday night is perfect! I'm an idiot. I asked this chick out on Valentine's Day. We've never met. FML.
belatwk76: I'm sure she's not planning marriage because of it. Just go out and have fun! If things work out, you won't have any trouble remembering your anniversary. If they don't, at least you weren't alone on Valentine's Day this year.
thiscommentisdumb: Oh she said no, as she should have. She was nice about it, though. We'll grab a drink sometime in the near future. Just not Friday.
belatwk76: She sounds like a classy girl. Good luck on your date in the future!
| 4 | 5 | |
1392099746 | 1392102998 | t3_1xld1l | t5_2to41 | 104 | Sadusernamesaretaken: TIFU by not wearing a condom NSFW a little.
This was last night, and I imagine the subject of many posts on here. I'm now pretty sure my girlfriend's pregnant. I'm a fuckup in every area of my life. I always learn lessons the hard way. I never took school seriously until I was kicked out of college. I reapplied to CC and am now doing well. No doubt if this doesn't result in the ruining of my life I'll remain celibate until 3 years into marriage. Anyway, here's the story:
Last night we were fooling around. She wants me to rub it against her down there. It slips in. I pull it out and put on a condom to be safe. It's too small. Squeezes my dick till I go limp. I ditch it and use my hands. After a while I get hard again. We don't have a condom so she just grinds my dick again. It slips in again.
I try pulling out but it feels good so we keep going. She goads me on. I feel close and pull out. I didn't cum yet. I reach in with two fingers try to get any pre-cum out. She encourages me to put if back in. I'm hesitant but she once again goads me on. This time I cum. I pull out, get a lot on the rag I set out on her back. Still reach in to get what I can out. She cleans herself when she showers soon after.
Today she tells me about a clear type of discharge she experienced this morning. She thinks it's leucorrhea. I'm 19 she's 18. I'm genuinely afraid my life is over. Please tell me I'm wrong. It's too soon for leucorreah. Please save me.
-My_Other_Account-: If you live in the US, go to a pharmacy and get Plan B...now.
Sadusernamesaretaken: How long is that effective for? It's been about 28 hours now.
-My_Other_Account-: I'm having problems accessing parts of the internet right now.
This is the website for the medication. http://www.planbonestep.com/
They should have all of the information there. You might also be able to get a coupon to save a little money.
The longer you wait to take it, the less likely it will be effective.
Sadusernamesaretaken: Thank you. It's two AM so neither of us can get out but tomorrow I'll get this. It says it's effective up to 5 days.
-My_Other_Account-: Please don't wait 5 days. Do it tomorrow in the morning or as soon as you possibly can. The sooner she takes it the better.
Effective *UP TO* 5 days doesn't mean it works for everyone who takes it 5 days later. Day 5 is the last day it works for a percentage of women. The percentage of women it works for on day 5 is less than day 4, day 3, day 2, or day 1.
Make sure she reads the instructions.
| 6 | 17.333333 | |
1392130449 | 1392165233 | t3_1xm6dg | t5_2to41 | 517 | DudeManBr0: TIFU by drinking both decaf and regular coffee
As a preface to this story, I have a caffeine sensitivity that usually ends terribly if I suddenly decide to have more than I usually can (I can have low-caffeine things like chocolate and hot cocoa but when I have regular coffee or other coffee type drinks that are not decaf, it usually ends in heightened anxiety (usually a panic attack) and an upset stomach that lasts for about 8-10 hours).
TL;DR-Drank both decaf and regular coffee. Accidental colon cleanse.
So anyway this actually happened yesterday but I only feel well enough to write about it today. School started like any other regular school day. I arrived, opened my classroom and started getting ready for the day, muffin and decaf coffee from home in hand. I finished setting up and downed my coffee, ready to start the day. Normally when I have coffee in the morning, I will have to use the restroom at some point later in the day so I was fully anticipating having to poop at around 1pm or so. I taught my first two classes and then had my prep, around 10:30 am. While in the faculty room I noticed that someone had brought in those Starbucks Via instant coffee packets and for some inane reason I thought "Those look good, I think I'll have one." And so I did. Bad decision.
The coffee tasted great, and in the moment was a good idea. Several hours later, I was teaching another class when I felt that distant rumble in the fecal jungle. I tried to ignore it at first, convincing myself that it would pass and I would be able to carry on or, in the worst case scenario (or so I thought) I would be able to ride it out until class was over and do my business on my own time. Was I ever wrong. The rumbles continued, and became more intense and closer together. As time went on, I came to a haunting realization-at only 21 minutes into this 45 minute class, I was going to shit myself unless I went NOW. I had about 2 seconds to call down to the office to ask for someone to cover for me, make it to the bathroom and sit on the toilet before things got messy. I sprinted to the bathroom and slammed the stall door shut as I simultaneously pulled my pants down and began shitting. Tidal wave after tidal wave of liquid shit poured from my backside until my bowels could produce no more. Sitting there in the aftermath, panting, sweating, heart racing I thought "Never again. Don't ever have regular coffee again." TIFU
BrooseWane: The upset stomach thing happens to me maybe 60% of the time, but it's never as bad as yours was. I always keep a few Imodium in my backpack and my car in case of emergencies. Switching to an energy drink when I know I might get caught in bad timing also helps.
Ghost17088: Upvote for carrying Imodium. Always carry it, by the time you need it, its too late to go get some.
GigglyGoose: Ditto. Imodium is a life saver.
Ghost17088: Saved me during an exam this morning.
GigglyGoose: Anxiety or did you eat something bad? I've got IBS triggered by certain foods, but mostly anxiety.
Ghost17088: Just a shitty diet the last few days.
Now_I_Hate_Doritos: HA! I see what you did there.
eyferrari: Confucius say man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Leafy81: Confucius say man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
| 10 | 51.7 | |
1392140328 | 1392141169 | t3_1xmmmv | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU: Unwisely posted NSFW photos
I had gotten some requests to post NSFW photos in a certain subreddit. I contemplated it for a little while and I should have just gone with my gut and not done it. I tried to be as anonymous as possible but a "friend" of mine saw the photos and now wants nothing to do with me. I guess I don't blame them. I didn't mean to disrespect them and make them uncomfortable. Now they pretty much hate me. No matter how hard I try to be a good friend to people, I seem to always fuck things up. I don't know what it is about myself that I'm just self destructive and don't want to be happy. I don't do it on purpose I'm only human and fuck up every now and then. Today I fucked up because I let reddit get the better of my judgement and lost a friend. I'm not only thoroughly embarrassed but totally ashamed of myself.
Edit: Try not to bash the person, I totally get where they are coming from. I'm over their house frequently and I know it must have just made things incredibly awkward. I really appreciate everyones words and I'm starting to get everyones vibe that it isn't all my fault, but I just hate hurting my friends and the people I love no matter what the circumstance.
molbionerd: They aren't friends if they hate you for posting nudes. It doesn't affect them in the least. Fuck 'em
jegforstarikke: It does cause I know them in real life and it really made them uncomfortable.
molbionerd: But why did it make them uncomfortable? Why are they looking at them if it makes them uncomfortable?
jegforstarikke: Well I tried to post under a throwaway but I guess they were still able to identify me.
| 5 | 1 | |
1392147310 | 1392181954 | t3_1xmzam | t5_2to41 | 33 | jeremy2121: TIFU by falling asleep at the wrong time
I didn't get much sleep last night, and I had to get up at 5:30am today so I could catch the train and be in time for my 9am lecture at my Brighton-based college, which is pretty far away from where I live (Bromley).
If you hadn't guessed by now, I live in the UK.
Anyway: on days like this, I like to catch up on sleep on the train. It's a long journey and the train terminates at Brighton (which, of course, was where I was going), so *everyone* has to get off there. So there was no harm in having a little sleep - it wasn't like I was going to miss my stop or anything, right? Surely someone would wake me up upon arrival?
Well, er...
I'm not entirely sure *when* I fell asleep, but it must've been when I was quite close to Brighton. I probably should've tried staying awake at that point, but I was so flipping tired that I just couldn't help myself.
And when I woke up, the first thing I noticed was that the train seemed to be going the other way. And it had just pulled out of Brighton Station. *"What the fuck?"* I thought to myself.
And then I heard the announcement: the train was heading to London Victoria. That is to say, *in the complete opposite direction to where I wanted to go and also really sodding far away.* Somehow I'd slept all the way through the train setting down at Brighton, the entire train being emptied of all people except staff members, entire hordes of different people getting on, and the train setting off again. It would've been nice for *someone* to have woken me up, but I guess that's a little too much to ask for. (Apparently they didn't even bother to quickly send any cleaners in before sending the train on its way.)
Oh, and get this: the train was only scheduled to stop at three stops (including London Victoria). The first stop *was the stop I had just come from,* which was about 40 minutes away. Yep - back to square one.
By the time I had made it back to Brighton, I had missed two of my four lectures of the day. Also, it was really fucking windy and rainy, and I was absolutely drenched by the time I got in. Pretty sure I've developed a cold, too. My third cold this year. Don't you just love Britain?
tl;dr: Thought I wouldn't miss my stop even if I fell asleep on the train; fell asleep on the train and missed my stop.
EDIT: Grammar and shiv.
adj1: This is one of the reasons I can't sleep on trains. The other is rape.
javitogomezzzz: So you are a sleeprapist?
[deleted]: no but i am ;)
| 4 | 8.25 | |
1392152681 | 1392245713 | t3_1xn97i | t5_2to41 | 92 | ThunderMufnz: TIFU by dropping my friend's weed.
It's a regular school day like any other, we're juniors in high school. So my friends and I are in lunch, joking around like always. There's a thing going on over on the other side of the cafeteria, so me and my buddies head over to see what's going on. We go over and see that a few marines are there with this big pull up bar. They're doing a giveaway type of thing, the more pull-ups you can do, the better the prize. A cute girl from the table next to us told me to get her one of those laniard things to put keys on and stuff. Cute girls never talk to me, so of course I said yes. Then my stoner friend, we'll call him J, comes and says he'll do it after me. Cool, I'm not going alone. So I go first, and I'm not the strongest guy, I only manage to do 5. Shit, I let down that cute girl. Then J tells me to hold his jacket while he goes up. Sure, no problem. He can't be dumb enough to bring it to school, right? Nope. Horribly, horribly wrong. As he's going, I readjust my hold on the jacket and A BOWL, LITER, AND A DIME ALL FALL OUT. In my stupid clumsy panic I try and pick it up, but it's too late and a teacher has already spotted me an is on her way. My friend finishes and walks back, and the teacher watches as I hand him back all his shit. I'm panicking and about to vomit while he's practically calm. We both get marched down to the principal. He gets talked to first while I'm sitting just outside, practically shitting my pants. I smoked with him just a few days ago, I'm fucked if they test me. Finally my turn to go in, Principal just tell me that it leads me down a bad road, and I get out with nothing but a slap on the wrists. I'm sitting home writing this now, hoping they won't call mom and dad, and I still haven't heard from J yet.
TL;DR The marines now know my friend is a pot head.
Ghostofazombie: Your friend is the moron here, not you.
ThunderMufnz: It was still my clumsy ass that dropped it.
Moosemaster21: What?
hearingaid_bot: IT WAS STILL MY CLUMSY ASS THAT DROPPED IT.
Moosemaster21: Oh, okay. Thank you, I'm hard of hearing.
madeanaccountforu: What?
| 7 | 13.142857 | |
1392162243 | 1392355312 | t3_1xnq1j | t5_2to41 | 21 | ViolentThespian: TIFU by getting a hickey and not noticing.
I recently started going out with an older girl, a senior at my high school. I'm a junior and apparently my mother's delicate flower. Last Saturday, I spent some time with her (let's call her Kelsey) after a UIL meet.
During that time, we started kissing and got a little into it to the point here she started kissing me on the neck. Now at the time, I wasn't paying attention to what she was doing on my neck, I was going with the flow.
Fast forward to us parting ways that night and heading home. I wake up that Sunday morning and what else does my mother want to do but go to church. We haven't gone to fucking church in almost a month and a half. I get ready, grab my headphones, and sleepwalk to the car.
We get to church, do the whole praying thing, go to Sunday school, and learn about Jesus like good Christians do. I get out of the class, head to the foyer, and stand around waiting for my parents so we can finally leave. I'm standing around in the lobby when I hear my FULL FUCKIN NAME being screamed across. My mother is on the warpath towards me. She grabs my arm and pulls me out of the church, all the while hissing stuff like "I cannot believe you came to church with that trashy mark on you," and "I taught you better, you should know better than this, damn it."
We get in the car and I spend the entire 30 minute drive home being reamed out of my head about how trashy I look and how inappropriate a thing my girlfriend did. So now, my mother hates my girlfriend and takes every opportunity to hint that I should rethink my choice in relationships. She's unspokenly restricted my contact with her and now asks me no less than five times that everywhere I go, there will be people there that don't include her. She also not so subtly mentioned that she will be telling my Dad (they've been divorced for years) and to expect another firm talking to when he calls.
TL;DR Got a hickey from my girlfriend, didn't notice, Mother did and now thinks I'm becoming a man-whore.
Update: My dad called earlier today. Turns out he didn't give a flying duck about me getting a hickey and spent the better part of an hour poking fun at me over the phone. I'm good on his end. :)
Edit: Was gonna fix duck, but it's a little funny and you get it. Duck it, my friends.
sleity: Future Tip: Use a chapstick tube to twist it out.
http://www.whatisahickey.com/How-to-Get-Rid-of-a-Hickey.php
ViolentThespian: Thank you. You probably saved me from having to go to confession.
| 3 | 7 | |
1392168734 | 1392257687 | t3_1xo1gp | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by talking to my ex.
Long story short: He told me he already has a date to the military ball and to prom. She's this Sophomore chick. She looks like a beaver.
He broke up with me a month ago. He's already moved on.
I chickened out, like a little bitch, of working a spot light today and drove home in tears.
At least I have my two dogs who love me, right? :(
rxcowboy: It's been a month. How long were you going out?
Edit: the fact that you are already talking to another guy too and feel the need to insult the way this girl looks says a lot more about you than you probably realize.
ThatOneFace: I said that to make myself laugh, it was cheap I know.
We were together for what would've been two years in March.
And I'm not even sure about this other guy. He's so sweet, and I do adore him, but I just don't know.
It's a big, stupid, ugly mess that I'm in.
rxcowboy: The good news is that you're in high school so none of this matters any where near as much as you think. The bad news is you won't fully realize this till you're 25.
As some one who had his head up his ass as a teen, please believe me when I say if this is the worst you have to go through, learn from it and be very happy.
ThatOneFace: I've been through worse, and I'm taking from it what I can.
My ex was selfish and immature, and even talking to me, he made everything seem like my fault and that I was the terrible and mean person all throughout the relationship.
He just said those things to hurt me, I know he did, and I let him get to me and I shouldn't have.
No more serious relationships until I'm 25, I guess. :)
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1392177694 | 1392184260 | t3_1xo40y | t5_2to41 | 250 | rayjirdeoxys: What?
hearingaid_bot: [ANYTIME I READ ABOUT SOMEONE ACTING GAY WITH THEIR FRIENDS](HTTP://I.IMGUR.COM/OQJ1AVK.PNG)
AveragePenguin: Why would you guys downvote /u/hearingaid_bot? :(
[deleted]: What?
hearingaid_bot: WHY WOULD YOU GUYS DOWNVOTE /U/HEARINGAID_BOT? :(
Kamenosuke: What?
hearingaid_bot: WHY WOULD YOU GUYS DOWNVOTE /U/HEARINGAID_BOT? :(
Jaxie911: What?
hearingaid_bot: WHY WOULD YOU GUYS DOWNVOTE /U/HEARINGAID_BOT? :(
DictatorDom14: What?
hearingaid_bot: WHY WOULD YOU GUYS DOWNVOTE /U/HEARINGAID_BOT? :(
nextus_music: What?
hearingaid_bot: WHY WOULD YOU GUYS DOWNVOTE /U/HEARINGAID_BOT? :(
| 13 | 19.230769 | |
1392176991 | 1392229982 | t3_1xofjx | t5_2to41 | 84 | [deleted]: TIFU By Posting a NSFW Picture Of Me onto Facebook... e_e
My dad, my sisters, my brother... Almost all my close friends...
They all (could've) seen it.
It was up for about 30 minutes.
I just realized that it was up there. I posted a picture of my cat, and I guess my thumb grazed the picture next to it - which happened to be a picture of my *other* pussy.
Here's to hoping no one I know was on facebook from 7:15pm to 7:45.... >.<
TLDR: Posted the wrong pussy to facebook
turbo240: NSFW tag and no pic? You should post it here... ya know, for science...
british_joe: If you want to see just check her post history. It's... revealing.
turbo240: I went digging...for science...she is like, the reddit posterchild. Cats, adopted cats, atheist *and* gonewild posts. And I think I saw a neckbearded boyfriend too.
british_joe: And into BDSM. Can't forget that. Every redditor on /r/sex seems to be into that to some degree or another.
| 5 | 16.8 | |
1392178340 | 1392214514 | t3_1xohp3 | t5_2to41 | 23 | KristyConfused: TIFU shaving in the shower, part III. Yes, Part III indeed.
I really oughtta learn to be more careful.
This actually happened a couple days ago. I was shaving my legs (ankle to knee) for the second time ever (about 12 hours after the first time ever). There's this little spot of raised scar tissue on my right leg that I worked around the first time. I forgot about it the second time, and ran the damn razor over it. I realized it a moment later and looked down to see blood practically gushing out of that scar, quite painlessly. I finished up the shower and dried off, then made a makeshift bandage out of waterproof medical tape and TP. And then I had to make a bigger one because the first one got soaked way too quick.
When I got to work, the bleeding had slowed down considerably (I found this out when I checked if it had stopped) so I put a proper band-aid on it from the first aid kit. I left that on until that night, when I went out to a gay bar with some friends and put on a dress, for the first time ever in public. When I pulled off the band-aid that time, the bleeding had stopped.
Side TIFU: it got REALLY cold that night, and one of my friends ended up having to go to the ER (long story and private). I nearly froze my nuts off (not that I'd mourn if that literally happened) getting her to the car to take her to the hospital, and then again getting help to get her into the ER. I was shivering like a jackhammer so while my other friend went with her into the ER, I parked my van and changed back into pants.
TLDR version: I own a business installing styrofoam nuns. Fuck a fruit basket.
KristyConfused: I wonder if anyone will understand the reference for the TLDR version.
Neuraxis: DayJob Orchestra :)
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1392179847 | 1392243344 | t3_1xojzl | t5_2to41 | 47 | paintingtheworld: TIFU by texting while waiting for class to start
So there I was sitting quietly in the hallway on a bench against the wall at my college. I'm about ten minutes early to class which is normal for me, because I like to have time to check e-mail and reddit on my phone. A few minutes pass, and my fellow classmates accumulate along the wall across from me and on either side of me.
Hey look I got a text message! I'll just reply quickly before getting my stuff together for class and be on my way, right? Nope.
I taped on the little picture button instead of the text box, and as I try to escape out of picture mode my phone and thumb decided it would be better to take a picture right then. With the flash on. While my camera is pointed at other people. With the little camera noise.
Now I'm the creepy girl in chemistry who takes pictures of other people not so secretly. On accident.
[deleted]: Lol did anyone say anything to you about it?
paintingtheworld: Nope, but I almost wish they would have!
nowonmai: You need to bring it up next time, completely out of the blue: I swear I wasn't taking pictures of you waiting for class.
That'll work.
paintingtheworld: Do you happen to be a red mallard?
| 5 | 9.4 | |
1392183095 | 1392232788 | t3_1xooqy | t5_2to41 | 2 | leonmontreaux: TIFU it wasn't suppose to happen
I am a 21 year old single guy and i have a crush with a girl since i was 15, i met her because of her cousin, she went to the same high school with me... so i started to be friends with her, let's call her M, just to be near my crush, lets call her J, so M it's 1.80 cm and 130 kilos monster and it's really dumb, so the only reason i was his friend was to go to her house and be with J, we always had a great time, watching movies the three of us... i knew i had a real chance with J so i always try to be with M as much as possible, one day a friend invited me to a party and i mean a really good one, i tought it was my shot, so i called M and J and told them to come, only M showed up with another friend and we started drinking. A LOT, we were at a my friends house, everything went crazy and when i woke up i was alone in my friends room, covered in blood, also in my mouth and i was wearing a white shirt that day, it was all red, i didn't have a great feeling about it so i went outside and asked my friends what happened, they were looking at me in the most desappointed/amazed/angry way posible, i didn't remebered anything so i keep asking them until they got the balls to tell me, SO.. I FUCKED M... she was a virgin, and she was on her period, remember i said i had my mouth covered in blood? that's right i went down on her, i broke the condom, and i was calling her J's name.... when she woke up she leave crying while i was still sleep, whit her period blood in my mouth, well... that's my history... it's obvious to say that both of them never talked to me again. it's been a while and i still feel like a complete asshole
TL:DR i fucked the fat virgin cousin of my crush, in her period, and i went down on her while being drunk.
PD: sorry for the grammar, english it's not my first lenguage
Edit: i tried to use the american sistem i failed i meant 120 Kilos and 1.80cm
[deleted]: [So, what does period blood taste like?] (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aNUr__-VZeQ)
leonmontreaux: fat hairy period, i had a lot of hair in my mouth in the morning...
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1392183617 | 1392221459 | t3_1xophq | t5_2to41 | 6 | Should_I_say_this: TIFU by applying to a masters program I'm not qualified for. Then sending emails to my references. Now I wasted money and they probably think i'm a fucking delusional retard for applying to that program.
I don't even have a bachelors in comp sci why did i think i would be able to even compete in a masters of comp sci. god i am so fuckign stupid
komal: Just brush it off. At least you have references, it means you've got people who like you and are willing to speak up for you.
Now find out what you want to do.
Should_I_say_this: I just wish I didn't make myself out to look delusional to them. I contacted them after not talking for 6 years and now they are writing a last minute reference for a placement I will never get. If they review the masters program as I think they are required to do, they will think I'm pretty dumb for missing the section that said Must Have a bachelors of comp sci
komal: Then maybe you should contact them, tell them not to bother, that you've reconsidered your application and decided not to proceed and thank them and try to have a conversation so that when you need them in the future they have some good memories of you that are recent.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1392186977 | 1392188576 | t3_1xotog | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by giving someone my reddit account because they liked my name
Welp, my account phainting had a pretty interesting name and someone liked it a lot so she convinced me to give it to her.
I started deleting posts I made but then I got annoyed because it took too long, I told her in exchange for my account she will have to delete everything I did, comments, posts, and messages.
I didn't think of my messages until after I reset the password and gave it to her, and I have no idea what is in my messages.
Most of my posts and comments are on neopets stuff, but I'm overall concerned about it all and my messages for sure.
Turns out she hasn't deleted anything and won't reply back to me.
TLDR; gave someone my account because they liked name, they wont delete everything, who knows what is in it.
What do? :(
[Edit] She has posted since I have been asking her to delete it or allow me to delete it all, asking to loan money or something :s So I know she has been online
[Edit2] She said if I deleted the account reddit holds it for a month until she could take the name, is this true?
FuneralShadow: Is the account registered to an email?
[deleted]: I removed it all before I gave it to her
FuneralShadow: Well damn, that's all I got..
Sorry :(
| 4 | 3 | |
1392181938 | 1392194228 | t3_1xon1z | t5_2to41 | 25 | rememberthosedays: TIFU by not realizing sooner that I don't have enough credits to transfer to a different university. And I've already put a deposit down on an apartment there.
Long story short...
I just recently entered college and am wanting to transfer to a state school (going to community college at the moment). The problem is that I need 24 credits to transfer — one of which has to be an English 1000 credit. Which I don't have.
Since spring semester has already started, the only time I could take it is this summer — and by the time I could get a final transcript sent to the school I want to transfer to, I probably wouldn't get accepted 'til after the start of the fall semester there.
I've already put a deposit on an apartment and everything. I still intend on moving there, but it just sucks that I'll have to miss a whole semester because of this one class that prevents me from transferring. I was looking into University of Phoenix to see if there's some way I could start taking the class **now** instead of on a traditional semester schedule, but I hear they're a terrible investment. I just don't know what to do.
Today, I fucked up.
WAHBImusic: When you submit your application to the school, make a note that you will be finishing that class in the summer. I ran into that problem when I was finishing community college and transferring to a 4 year school. They accepted me anyways and I jus had to resend my transcript to them once I finished that class, (it was a summer math class that I HAD to pass).
masuabie: What this person said. Also, talk to a counselor at both your Community College and the University and ask for guidance through the process so everything is done correctly.
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1392167396 | 1392350039 | t3_1xnz4c | t5_2to41 | 13 | Caffeinated_Bacon: TIFU by ruining some nice fish.
So, I picked up a shift on Saturday (I'm a cook which makes this all the more shameful) and didn't make fish tacos for lunch at home. Fish was marinating to be delicios tacos al pastor. I can leave it in the marinade until today, right? Wrong, asshole. Fucking disintegrated when I started to cook it. Going to hope for the best but still feeling pretty dumb.
T3hBau5: Tacos al Pastor is pork though.. not fish.
Caffeinated_Bacon: Traditionally, yes. The marinade works just as well on fish. I used swordfish the first time I made these tacos and they were delicious.
T3hBau5: Sounds awesome. I think Swordfish is very underrated.
Caffeinated_Bacon: TBH, I tried it because I got it for free at work. When the chef is cutting fish at work there are always scraps to be had. Have some salmon and grouper in the freezer, too. Swordfish is always tasty grilled, which was how I cooke it after marinating. Would definitely make these tacos again!
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1392192153 | 1392263259 | t3_1xoz3u | t5_2to41 | 50 | FunyunCreme: TIFU by taking my son to pick up his girlfriend.
For many reasons I cannot be specific, it goes down like this.....
My son can't leave the house, but can have people over. His gf managed to get stranded in a place in which no sober right minded person would ever be. We went to pick her up and she decided to stay. Now my son is infuriated with me because I left her and insisted that the authorities would be called if he stayed.
TLDR; METH SUCKS.
And. I. Will. Not. Apologize .
austex_mike: So your son is under house arrest because?
FunyunCreme: TLDR
bakedrice: so why are you still letting him hang out with methheads?
FunyunCreme: She seemed fine while I was getting to know her. There are only 2 people who visit on the regular, and they are sober. She has only been over a couple of times.
| 5 | 10 | |
1392201847 | 1392202236 | t3_1xp6r3 | t5_2to41 | 46 | portborn: tifu Valentines Style
So, it's a few days till valentines and my girlfriend has told me we're not doing anything this year. Vicious trap. I'm not falling for that shit again (She said the same about our second anniversary and then came home with a fucking watch and I was sat around in joggers watching Archer. Never making that mistake again)
I went on Moonpig.com (A customisable card and gift sending service, I don't know if it exists outside of the UK) and ordered her a card and some roses to be delivered to work.
Now, the cards are fully customisable, you choose the front and add the text inside. Only, I didn't know the front cover was customisable.
So I edit the cards inside and write a little poem and be all romantic and shit. Order it and pay, feeling like a fucking pro. Not going to catch me out this year.
20 minutes later I look at my emails and there's the order confirmation, I check it and take a look and that's when the horror strikes.
The front is customisable. I ordered a Monkton card with a funny verse on the front but I knew what card I wanted from googling it rather than searching through the sites cards.
Sitting there in my order history was [this card] (http://imgur.com/pZFP09L), for my GIRLFRIEND.
It's going to her work. She's in a giant office with about 30 people who are all going to see this card getting opened by my girlfriend, addressed to David.
I. Am. Fucked.
**edit:**Currently on hold with customer support to get it changed/cancelled.
**edit2:** The customer service lady was lovely and irish and laughed so hard that I had to hold the phone away from my ear. It's changed so crisis averted I guess.
Natanael85: My GF would certainly love hat card. Wait and see...Vaslentines Day us not that serious and maybe shes able to take a joke.
portborn: It's going to be a story at the very least hahaha
| 3 | 15.333333 | |
1392212901 | 1392267818 | t3_1xpgfn | t5_2to41 | 28 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting food poisoning at school
I had breakfast at a restaurant today, and I think it gave me food poisoning. I am currently trapped in one of the restrooms at school, unable to leave the toilet due to horrible pain, and thus am actually skipping class. Skipping could get me in serious trouble and ruin my quarter's grades.
TL;DR: Help, I am missing class because I am trapped in the bathroom!
Seriously what should I do help
djdes: Let it happen in class, you'll get excused.
That_Deaf_Guy: Okay now that you've told OP the worst advice, let's give him the best!
_Hamburger_: OP: shit in your hand and smear it on your teachers face to assert dominance.
| 4 | 7 | |
1392222862 | 1392259770 | t3_1xpv2s | t5_2to41 | 1,153 | AccipiterQ: TIFU by accidentally screwing around on my company's live website instead of the test version...
So the company I work for does environmental/scientific research; people pay to go on these research expeditions and help contribute to science. Stuff like researching endangered sea turtles, or tigers, stuff like that. We have a test-site, so that if you make changes that fuck shit up it's not on the live site. For some reason we have to use an older version of IE. Apparently when it crashes and then reloads, it doesn't reload the test site, it reloads the live site.
Today I was learning how we make pages for our trips. I had the whole thing made in the test site, and then IE crashed and reloaded. I published the page, thinking it was to our test site. My coworker kept saying "I don't see your page anywhere on the test site"....then they checked the the livesite and found my abomination that was never meant to see the light of day. Unfortunately no one realized it was on the live site for almost a half hour. So for about 25 minutes today you could attempt to book a trip on my research expedition: "Come watch crows at a dump in New Jersey", with the trips lead researcher "Count Baron Von Swagula IV"
EDIT: Some people expressed interest in what the company does. You basically pay to go be a research assistant for a week or two. The company takes the money you pay to go on the trip and gives it to the researcher to support their project, and also gives them additional funds in the form of a grant. We do environmental research as well as archaeological projects. So for instance, studying lasting effects of the BP oil spill on waterfowl, or helping protect endangered tortoises, or unearthing remains of Roman civilization under some European cities. It's a great company; very low overhead, and everyone here is passionate about environmental and cultural research. I've never worked for an employer that I enjoyed as much as I do this one. If anyone wants a link to the page send me a PM with what country you're in (we have different sites/specials running based on countries).
mobius_sp: When I come across a legit website that appears to have been hacked by someone, such as your TIFU with the crow-watching in the Jersey dumps, I often wonder if it really *was* hacked, or if someone simply fucked up the test site and published it accidentally. I now believe it's just a simple fuckup.
I would totally book a trip that was lead by the internationally famous Count Baron Von Swagula IV.
AccipiterQ: I was shocked it didn't instantly sell out
mobius_sp: Well, you gave me an idea that I might use for a costume come Halloween time. Thanks!
AccipiterQ: a crow at a dump?
mobius_sp: Yup. Just going to tie a bunch of old soup cans, aluminum foil, and banana peels to a burlap sack, glue on a stuffed crow, and maybe dress up a Ken doll in some swag to get the famous researcher added in.
That, or pick up a pimping vampire outfit and dress up as Count Baron Von Swagula IV himself. I'm thinking the first costume idea, though.
AccipiterQ: hahahhahahhaha love it.
Yeah my name on facebook is Count Swagula
superspeck: Your next post will be "tifu by accidentally doxxing myself on /r/tifu"
OceanRacoon: I've already sent a box of my dog's shit with my jizz on it by express delivery to his home address. Also I wrote a death threat on the inside of the lid, cause you know, internet and stuff.
| 9 | 128.111111 | |
1392215257 | 1392306173 | t3_1xpja7 | t5_2to41 | 27 | delusional_golfer: TIFU by wearing "business casual" to work
So yesterday I am at my job as a PR specialist for a startup company and I am browsing Reddit while I talk on the phone to prospective magazines. This led me to be half listening when my boss comes out and says, "Blah, blah, blah, tomorrow wear business casual." What I thought he said was, "I am going to a VC (venture capital) interview tomorrow so feel free to wear business casual." Everyday is business casual so I didn't think anything of it (I am the only person that routinely wears a shirt and tie). I sat there for a couple minutes and I had the brilliant idea that since the boss will be away, I will be a jokester and wear business-casual. This turned into sweat pants, a t-shirt, and a suit jacket. My coworker (we are both in our early 20s), started laughing and said that it reminded her of her guy friends in college.
So I wake up this morning and I decide that the sweat pants are too much so I put on jeans. I leave my apartment this morning wearing jeans, a t-shirt, and a suit jacket and it doesn't look too bad. I mean, I know it is ridiculous, but it could be a lot worse. So I get to work and the Operations Manager laughs reassuringly at my outfit and asks why I am wearing that. I tell her, "Because Matt said to wear business casual today since he will be in interviews all day." She responds by saying, "Hmm, well Matt will be here all day. The interview is coming to him."
My heart sank. Now it makes sense. Matt asked us to wear business casual in order to make a good impression. I am making a joke and now I feel like the biggest asshole by making a mockery of my professionalism.
ChildishGambinoFan: I'm confused... You're wearing business casual, aren't you? What's the fuck up?
delusional_golfer: Well I had to speak with the interviewee and introduce myself. She is a well-connected, extremely successful capital creator. I could see her eyes scan me up and down when I first shook her hand. I felt like I was a first grader who got caught doing something wrong.
ChildishGambinoFan: I'm still confused. Did your boss tell you to wear business casual (like you said you usually do) or not?
MinnowActual: In the United States, Business Casual emphasizes *Business.* It basically means one step below a suit. Jeans and tshirts are _not_ business casual. They're casual.
| 5 | 5.4 | |
1392219099 | 1392226268 | t3_1xpoxo | t5_2to41 | 6 | CyberFreq: TIFU by drunkenly removing my ex from my social streams
So I have an ex. Broke up on new years (another story) but decided we wanted to stay friends. Unfortunately for me, I still love her. A lot. So it was hurting me to be just her friend. Monday I went out with some friends and got hammered. In my drunken state I decide to unfriend, unfollow, and otherwise remove her from my social media. Without talking to her about it once.
Needless to say, we're not talking right now.
Orin965: Not really a FU, you were hurt just being a friend, you made a choice(drunkenly) to get her out of your life. Probably a good idea...
jumbobombo: Yes! Move on you must.
| 3 | 2 | |
1392224601 | 1392245435 | t3_1xpy0g | t5_2to41 | 2 | rand0mname2: tifu by destroying my account.
so...today was pretty cool until i wanted to make a throwaway account.We all done it right ?
Well, i logged off my original account (/u/rand0mname for those of you who wanna send me messages i will never read) and made that throwaway account. Everything is good right ?
Okay job done, now I try to go back to my original account.Oh no ! I just realised i made this account about 15 months ago with a completly random password like 4678906371 and of fucking course I don't remember it.On top of that I didn't use an email so my account is lost forever.
I tried everything...from checking the cache memory to going into my notepad in which i keep my passwords. No success.
I was subscribed to about 300-500 subs and I would appreciate if somebody could tell me how to get a list of them or something like that. I would love you forever. I mean it !
I think imma go cry a bit.
/u/rand0mname , you are gone but not forgotten.
TL;DR : I'm a dumbass and perma-lost my previous account
aldekeyser: quick question op how did you look at this page with your old account if you have lost the password. I saw it in recently viewed links or did you find your password if so good for you.
rand0mname2: You might have made a mistake. My new username is extremly similar to the other one.
I stopped using my old account like 2 days ago since it would not allow me to do anything.
aldekeyser: it is there maybe it automaticly updates or something.
rand0mname2: Idk man, all that I know is that i'm not on that account anymore unfortunately [le sad face]
| 5 | 0.4 | |
1392226717 | 1392346261 | t3_1xq1qx | t5_2to41 | 13 | FluffyDarby: TIFU by emailing a friend the amount and percent of my raise...using a work email account directly accessible by my immediate co-workers.
I received a decent raise (just over 5%) and emailed a friend using my work email. I put the amount (per hour) and the percent increase in the Subject line.
It is unusual for me to use my work email for anything personal - I use it to address incoming emails and faxes sent to my inbox. While I am off, my coworkers have access to my emails and such so they can search for incoming documents.
I received an email reply to this email while I was out of the office over the weekend (including Monday as I am off on Mondays) and it sat in my inbox. When I arrived at work Tuesday, my manager takes me with him to our VP's office. There they explain how dumb I was because that an immediate co-worker saw the email (well, just the Subject line - she couldn't avoid seeing it).
That coworker has been here for four years to my 10 months. In the event she decided to work backwards from my information to figure out my salary and my salary is more than (or close to) hers, I'm sure if she's not PO'd at me, she's PO'd at the company.
GAAAAAK.
Pepser: This sounds more like today I helped out a coworker to get a raise.
If you got a decent raise, chances are your bosses like you. Apologize, emphatize your actions were guided by the fact that you were very happy that they showed you that you were appreciated, and keep on doing your job well. You'll be fine!
FluffyDarby: I am pretty sure it did not help her get a raise in any way.
I've already apologized to upper management and the owner for creating an awkward situation because I believe she made a little stink about how I was paid more than her and I have less experience than her (well, in this very specific position).
arahsay: She had every right to "make a little stink about it".... I'd be pissed too if I found out someone that had less experience than me and hadn't been there as long as I had was making more than I was. (Then I would take a good look at what I could be doing to improve my value at the company).
Thane_of_pussy: I found out that a younger worker than myself who had been there less time was getting paid a shit load more than myself.
Turns out, the workplace was ripping everyone off so once we confronted them about it, they changed the pay and put a policy in place where we were not allowed to discuss our pay rates.
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1392233914 | 1392261259 | t3_1xqetn | t5_2to41 | 41 | KinkyOnCL: TIFU by responding to a W4M casual encounters ad for something really dirty and kinky... And she knows who I am!
So a little background. I grew up in a pretty small town about 40 miles from the much larger city I live in now. It was the kind of place where if you didn't actually know someone, you probably still recognized their face or name.
On to the ad... She was looking for a guy to fuck with a strap-on. It's something that I have been interested in trying, so I responded, we emailed back and forth a couple of times and were really seeming to hit it off.
She sent me a picture first, and she is GORGEOUS! I send my picture back, and she recognized me! I didn't recognize her at all though, and she kind of refused to tell me her name. So now she knows who I am and how dirty I am, and worst of all, now she isn't responding to me and it looks like we aren't going to be getting together after all!
dobtoronto: It's a small world after all!
Seriously though, you have nothing to be ashamed of. I see why pegging is hot. And I'll give you odds that she has no motivation to tell anyone that you answered her ad.
Have an awesome day!
KinkyOnCL: It most definitely is!
Well thanks! That makes me feel a little better! Granted, I'm less worried about her telling anyone, and more upset that she seems to be thinking that she doesn't want to do it because of knowing me, or knowing so many of the same people.
We were hitting it off so well before she recognized me!
Thanks, you have an awesome day as well!
dobtoronto: You're welcome!
I urge you to keep searching. This situation proves that there are attractive women out there who want to play with you.
KinkyOnCL: Haha, yeah, definitely! I've actually been making a lot of progress lately. I've probably collected 5 numbers in the last week, all of chill, attractive women. The playing has yet to come, but I can be patient!
dobtoronto: Wow, nice.
KinkyOnCL: Buddy, I like you. Your optimism is infectious! Happy cake day!
dobtoronto: Fudge yeah. I'm having a rich and delectable cake day.
| 8 | 5.125 | |
1392232063 | 1392279105 | t3_1xqbg1 | t5_2to41 | 26 | Shieya: TIFU by leaving my phone in a bathroom on campus
Android Device Manager shows its been taken off campus and I got an email from Google about an hour ago saying a Google Wallet account has been activated. Fuuuuuuck. Anyway, a police dispatcher is on the way and I've closed the Wallet account from the computer I'm on. Still. Ugh.
Update: She actually used the phone to call one of her friends, as I discovered when I logged into my Virgin Mobile account. The officer called the number and her friend gave us the girl's name, which allowed us to find her personal info through Facebook and my college's student search. The police officer left the girl a rather scary voicemail and the device manager shows my phone is now currently located at the campus police station. :) yay
Also I'm making a new personal policy to not use my phone on the toilet, I don't wanna go through this again.
-_-
odiro: Im sorry to hear about your phone dude. do you know how much money thats been stolen?
Shieya: As far as I know, none, because I was able to disable the Google Wallet account from a computer and it showed no transactions made before that. I lucked out though.
odiro: Well sounds like you had luck on your side.
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1392236666 | 1392271146 | t3_1xqjnj | t5_2to41 | 1,544 | throwaway1thru9: TIFU by drinking too much Emergen-C
I've been coming down with a cold and it's been just plain miserable. I was feeling light headed today, so I made myself a cup of [Emergen-C](http://www.emergenc.com/sites/www.emergenc.com/files/EmergenC_OriginalFormula_Planet-DragonFruit_cupAndPacket_mini.jpg) since it's supposed to help. And let me tell you. That shit tastes great if you don't water it down too bad. Fizzy, kinda sweet. So I made myself another cup, and hunkered down in front of netflix to watch some tv.
By about noon, I'd had about 9 packets of that stuff, and I was starting to feel that tell-tale gurgle in my gut. You know, the one that says "Batton down the hatches, it's time to haul ass to the shitter". That gurgle. For whatever reason, I ignored it. I don't know why. I just wanted to finish my show. With every gurgle, I puckered my poop chute and hoped for the best. Minutes passed without incident, and I gradually forgot to worry. And then I laughed at a joke. With that laugh came the wrath of 9 glasses of Emergen-C.
I wanna take a moment to say that I have always had a hard time believing that fully functional grown adults could shit their pants. I was baffled that someone who had been properly potty trained, and had successfully evacuated their bowels countless times before could shit their pants on accident. I mean, how hard is it to think "oh, gee, I think I gotta poop" and then walk to a bathroom? Well, I'm a changed man. I shat my pants and then just kinda sat there in soggy, shit-sokeded enlightenment. Eventually, and with much shame and remorse, I walked to the bathroom to clean myself up and get changed.
TL;DR: I had an Emergen-C emergency.
pedro019283: Just so you know, Emergen-C generally has around 1000 mg of [Vitamin C](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vitamin_C#Common_side-effects), which is well above the recommended daily dose of 75-90 mg. This isn't harmful in itself, but if you ingest that much on an empty stomach, or guzzle drinks each equivalent to that it can cause some serious brown rain/gastrointestinal distress.
throwaway1thru9: Apparently so. I just figured since it was just basically vitamin water, you couldn't get too much, and that more vitamins=more healthy.
MissJacki: You are lucky that Vitamin C us water soluble, otherwise you could have caused yourself a much bigger issue. [Vitamin toxicity is a very real and dangerous thing.](http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vitamin_poisoning)
Also, Vitamin C has been shown over and over to have no significant effect on the common cold. Emergen-C, Airborne, Zicam and the like are all ineffective (and in the case of Zicam, Homeopathic and therefore contains nothing but water). Sorry. Liquids and rest.
Edit: I also highly recommend you read Dr. Paul Offit's most recent book, ["Do You Believe In Magic: The Sense and Nonsense of Alternative Medicine."](http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0062222961). It very thoroughly covers his own discovery that he had been very misinformed by popular culture in regards to vitamins and goes into the history as to how we got this way (Spoiler: Linus Pauling) and why Vitamins can be dangerous.
tikael: I'll second the recommendation for that book. I saw this thread and thought I would get to come drop some science on someone, but apparently my better half beat me to it.
MissJacki: How's work, sweetheart? Fun running into you here.
[deleted]: Now kiss....
MissJacki: No really, he is my fiancé.
[deleted]: All the more reason....now go kiss
(and maybe do other stuff if so inclined...I don't want/need to know about that shit though....)
MissJacki: The kiss has been delivered, along with a hot bowl of homemade chicken noodle soup.
Guitarplayingperv: D'awww
| 11 | 140.363636 | |
1392241599 | 1392267365 | t3_1xqsp3 | t5_2to41 | 99 | imsorryijizzed: TIFU by ejaculating into a sock.
First off, a little background info. I live in a house with my best friend and his wife. Right now, he's away doing some training for his job. His wife (whom we'll just call Jenny) usually sleeps in pretty late every day, usually around noon. Me, I like to wake up around 8 or 9 and get a head start on my day.
Today was like any other day-I showered, ate breakfast, and browsed reddit for a while. Around 11:30am I suddenly get the urge to yank my crank, so I close the door, grab a sock out of the drawer, sit down and open a new incognito window. I get the job done, and throw the soiled sock on top of a pile of dirty clothes in my closet.
Fast forward 2.5 hrs. I'm just hanging out in my room and Jenny comes in and sits down and we chat for a little bit. Their dog comes in and almost immediately goes straight to my closet and what does he pull out? The jizzy sock.
My eyes go wide. It's definitely still *wet*.
Jenny just says, "Rex, that's not yours!" and takes it out of his mouth and throws it back in the closet. I ease up a bit, but still thinking "*Oh fuck I can't believe she just touched that*" when Rex, being the little shit he can be sometimes (I really do love that dog), goes right back in the closet and pulls it out again.
I'm thinking "*Oh no not again*" as she proceeds to scold him and take it out of his mouth. Again. This is so gross. I don't think she realized what happened, maybe she thought it was slobber...
She didn't mention anything about it. She left to go run some errands and that's that. She'll never know she touched my sperm, because I'll never tell.
I'm so sorry Jenny. I fucked up.
WPBDoc: I just gotta' ask, in what world does sleeping in until 8 or 9 constitute getting a "head start" on one's day unless you work third shift or something?
proteus616: Yeah thought about that myself, I'm usually up by 5am
Jgary: Especially if you wake up at 8 or 9 and then browse reddit until 11:30.
proteus616: Yeah, I am already at work by 6 most days sometimes I even start work at 5
| 5 | 19.8 | |
1392237432 | 1392275951 | t3_1xql29 | t5_2to41 | 2 | Rhemax: TIFU by air playing S3RL-MTC over a random class in my school.
So my High school is one of the ones that started using iPads instead of textbooks.
I had just finished a test so went to YouTube plugged my headphones in and started listening to MTC, when a buddy(who sits right in front of me) turns and said he wanted to show me something. So, I turned my iPad to him and he said he can't see because my brightness was so low, so he turns it up. When he did this he paused the song, so I reached over and pressed play and tapped the screen to get rid of the dock, but I missed and hit AirPlay and then a random room number. I noticed when I couldn't hear the song and when I realized what I had done I panicked and quickly turned it back, but the song had already been play for about five minutes in this random room. I later found out that it had actually played in the room but they see who did it.... THANK GOD.
Tootsiesclaw: It took you five minutes to realise you couldn't hear the song?
Rhemax: It took me five minutes to panic and realize what I had done.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1392245000 | 1392276648 | t3_1xqyz0 | t5_2to41 | 85 | cisforchristinaa: TIFU by showing an older Asian man iPhone porn at the gym :(
This is technically a Last Night I Fucked Up:
Last night at my Anti-Gravity Yoga class, I was putting my mat away when I realized I wasn't wearing my Fitbit (watch/fitness tracker) anymore. I panicked and started to look around, hoping someone accidentally kicked it somewhere or whatever. It was a gift from my boyfriend, and I knew he worked hard to save up/buy this for me.
The next class was about to start and I still haven't found it. Ran to the front desk and they said to go back and ask the housekeeper, who was still in the backroom of the studio. Turns out said housekeeper was the older Asian man who didn't speak English too well...I see him every time I go to the gym. He face scrunched up and was trying so hard to understand what I was asking him. Wait, I have an idea! I pull out my phone to show him what my Fitbit looked like...opened Safari aaaaand....
A picture of a huge dick on the screen. I'm horrified, my face turns bright red. The ONE time I forgot to close the window after a pre-gym-lady-fap session (Also small detail: I'm a small Asian girl). Sigh. I panicked, he clearly saw it and said "oh!" and took a step back. I tried to press for a new window, completely missed the button and tapped on the screen instead, playing the video. Thank GOD the class was blasting loud music so no porn sounds were heard. I yanked the phone back and bolted out of the studio, into the car and straight home. Not looking forward to going back tomorrow and seeing him.
Marshie32: Pre-gym-lady-fap-sesh = bigger gains
briguybriguy: In fact you are misinformed, or possibly I am.
I've always had the notion that you don't want to climax and release, then hit the gym, if anything you want to fiddle with your shit and effectively give yourself blue balls.
I think edging is the term, but never climax. Then after a little bit of that you let your boner go away naturally then hit the gym. Your system is now primed and ready with lots of testosterone and energy.
My source is the fact that I am sleepy as shit after I blow, lol.
Edit: you're all ladies and I didn't read enough lol. But this is good info if you're a dude, lol.
zeaga: It was the third word in his comment O_o
Phainted: Shhh, wait for it...he'll catch on...
| 5 | 17 | |
1392252668 | 1392253808 | t3_1xrc1v | t5_2to41 | -3 | Imsorryshell: TIFU by reserching my girlfriend
*BACKGROUND*
She and I have been hanging out on skype, we grew very close and we planned to meet in person this weekend. She is perfect, she's pretty, smart, musical, and talented. 9/10 easy. but I was scared, I was worried that she wasn't real (i'm not the most handsome guy in the world, and I have some weight issues). she really likes me back. so after we exchanged phone numbers, I noticed that her area code was for somewhere completely different then anywhere near where I was. so I looked into it, and found that it was from a completely different state. I looked a little more and found she has no social media (which is understandable, she is an introverted person, the people she has to deal with near her are dickbags) she has no mic, and nothing besides like 4 pictures to prove that she is real.
*story*
so, we were playing the question game (I ask a question about her, she does to me) when I ask her, have you ever lived anywhere besides the state? she says yes! feeling relived and stupidly in love, just wanting to impress her, I said "hey, you wanna know why I asked?" she said she didn't really care but ok. so i told her being the stupid honest person I am, I told her I TOLD THE GIRL I WAS IN LOVE WITH THAT I BASICALLY DID A BACKGROUND CHECK ON HER.
she was furious, she couldn't believe that I would do that, now she's not talking to me and I feel terrible. I really like her and I don't know what to say to make this better, her one flaw is that she's sensitive, but I don't care I just hope that we can be together again :C
any advice from people who were in similar situations is much appreciated.
SushiSaki: Its completely undrestandable and reasonable for you to look her up. You have nothing but her word to go on. I feel you are right to be suspicious, as you have invested time into a relationship. you deserve to know the truth.
not a fuck up in my book.
Horatio_Stubblecunt: > relationship
Lol go outside.
| 3 | -1 | |
1392244027 | 1392736988 | t3_1xqx8t | t5_2to41 | 42 | [deleted]: TIFU by hip checking a blind man and asking him if I was invisible
The sidewalks of Boston are real narrow these days. A recent snowstorm has left these paths with enough room for single file in both directions. As I approached two men coming from the opposite direction didn't seem like they were willing to make room for me. I did the honorable thing and stood off to the side. They got closer, I stood to the side. Even closer now it looked like one gentleman was coming right for me. I was right. He made contact with me and I gave him a slight hip check while angrily saying, "what am I fucking invisible?" His response ... "to me you are." It was then that I noticed his arms were linked with his friends and his white walking stick was to his side. I apologized, said I didn't realize he was blind, and said that I didn't mean to come off as insensitive. With a huff he walked away. Fuck.
mrsmashyocorolla: What do you mean by slight hip check? All I'm imagining is a dude getting too close to you and you launching him over your shoulder before finding out that he's blind. I don't know how to feel about this.
ParkAndBeacon: Nothing that crazy just a little bump with my hip. Either way, IFU.
mrsmashyocorolla: Oh, don't beat yourself up about it then man, you did mess up but the way the guy reacted to it even after being apologised to is worse than your mistake IMO.
ParkAndBeacon: Thanks man. It's just not like me to do anything physical.
mrsmashyocorolla: Don't sweat it bro, everyone makes mistakes.
| 6 | 7 | |
1392256219 | 1392328291 | t3_1xrhvj | t5_2to41 | 27 | [deleted]: TIFU by not wearing ice cleats and almost dying of hypothermia
I climbed a local simi popular mountain and decided on my decent I would take a different trail. I lost my footing and fell a little over 150 feet, breaking my leg and due to the extreme Alaska temps, got extremely cold. After awhile I wasn't cold anymore but was almost completely paralyzed. I fell at 1.30 Pm but couldn't be helicoptered out until almost 7.00.
EDIT: here is the news story
http://www.adn.com/2014/02/12/3321659/helicopter-crew-rescues-teen-hurt.html
Ruff_Dog: Ouch. I love climbing as well, but those falls are scary, man. I hope you're okay.
redditor21: Its alot of fun but it looks like I wont be able to walk for 6 months ;( after I fell, I looked down and my leg was bent around a U so my heel was touching my knee ;/
Ruff_Dog: Ew.. The description of that is painful. I'm really sorry. That sucks. Do you think you'll be able to climb again? The physical therapy is going to be a bitch.
redditor21: Its OK, I'm At The er right now between doctors, hiking is probably going to be out for the rest of my life, and now I'm just worried if I'll be able to walk again. I hit so hard that it tore my ankle off the bone, which also shattered,
of the ligaments are also broken and they don't know if the nerve Is damaged ; (
| 5 | 5.4 | |
1392254410 | 1392267797 | t3_1xrexp | t5_2to41 | 25 | Kampa_ATC: TIFU by sending an inappropriate YouTube link
I'll start by saying that this occurred this summer, but we all have those moments where something sparks a memory of a horrifying incident. I get that reminder weekly.
After moving to a new city, I found a church that I liked. After a very brief time I became the praise and worship leader (music person). One of the things I have to do is send an email with YouTube links of the songs we'll be doing that week. I should mention here that I am college aged, the rest of the team is middle aged, and the pastor also gets the email.
The first two weeks, everything goes off without a hitch. Week 3, I send the email and proceed with my day. About 8 hours later I get a call from the pastor. The conversation goes something like this:
Pastor: Um....so I see you sent the team the email.
Me: Yeah! Was pretty excited about the set, so I figured I'd send it early.
Pastor: Well that's great...but...I'm pretty sure, I mean, I really hope, that you only accidentally attached the wrong link for one of the songs then.
At this point I'm pretty sure you can guess the exact panicked thoughts that are running through my head. It could have been any video!
Me: Uhhh....really?!
Pastor: Yeah. It appears to be a television reporter who suddenly begins to swear.....a.lot.a.lot.a.lot.
I begin to apologize like crazy and promise to be more careful. All ends well except that my pastor may have regretted his choice in praise leader.
TL;DR: Sent my pastor [this gem of a video](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1gUdxOxsKg).
ringberar: Hey at least you didnt send porn
Kampa_ATC: Too true. The bass player and drummer found the video funny at least.
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1392264195 | 1392326471 | t3_1xrv2r | t5_2to41 | 30 | BEroni: TIFU by searching for 1984 on Reddit
It is the morning before an in-class essay on 1984. Personally, I enjoyed the book 1984, enough that I did not use SparkNotes for analysis purposes. Unfortunately, I did not get very much sleep (~3 hours) the night before and I woke up sweating with a headache and a stomach pains, so I decided that it would be best if I go to school late and do the in-class when I was feeling alert and could concentrate (as it turns out I took it later that day).
Unfortunately, I decide to do a little extra preparation on my laptop at the same time that I should be in school taking the in-class essay. Now this laptop that I was using was one that was provided by the school, so teachers have the ability to monitor your activity through a software called DyKnow. Little did I know that my English teacher would be stalking my activity, so I searched for 1984 on Reddit to see the discussions and different views that people had on the book for potential inspiration for ideas. She saw this, and later that day when I took the in-class essay she questioned me about the threads that I had opened. Also, I had a SparkNotes tab open from last night to refresh myself on the plot of the book.
Fortunately, she did not notice that I had SparkNotes open for plot summary purposes (I don't think or else she would have confronted me about it) and she just noticed a thread about what would be your Room 101. Personally, I did not think much of the threads and thought it was a good time filler, but she thought that they were a bit obscene and that I should not have been on my computer looking at stuff on 1984 during my scheduled in-class essay time (this is a good point). The good thing is that she read the threads while I was reading them and they had no literary analysis substance; however, I am worried that my reputation as a student might be tarnished because it appears that I skipped class to study some more for the 1984 essay, but I think it is logical that if you have extra time for before test (regardless if you are sick or not) that you should be able to prepare.
Dagegen: Has students write essay on 1984
monitors their activities
joshoutloud: Woah that's eerie
| 3 | 10 | |
1392277611 | 1392476755 | t3_1xsca8 | t5_2to41 | 31 | Salsa-Eater: TIFU by accidentally stealing a game.
Today I stopped by GameStop on my way home from Wal-Mart. I bought a game, took it home and didn't open it until a few hours later. When I did open it I realized that the game wasn't in the case, so I went back to gamestop to solve the problem. They couldn't find the game, and so I got my money back. I was pretty upset about the whole ordeal, so once I got back to my truck I submitted a negative review on the website. I was also pretty passive-aggressive in the store.
Just a few minutes ago I found the missing game on my dresser drawer. I feel so guilty, and what's worse is that I won't be able to make it back to the store until Friday to fix my mistake.
Cancani: What game is it ?
Salsa-Eater: Hometown Story
| 3 | 10.333333 | |
1392301323 | 1392315098 | t3_1xsx26 | t5_2to41 | 231 | [deleted]: Five years ago, I fucked up by skipping school.
KRaidium: Hello, and thanks for your submission in /r/tifu.
Unfortunately, it has been removed as it breaks the following rule:
* Start all posts with "TIFU" in the title
If you have any questions, [please message the moderators](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Ftifu).
i_pk_pjers_i: If it's removed, how exactly am I seeing it?
KRaidium: Because I forgot to actually remove it, oops.
i_pk_pjers_i: I'm going to go ahead and give my two cents. I think it's REALLY shitty that you have to remove posts that don't have TIFU in the title instead of editing TIFU in the title somehow.
| 5 | 46.2 | |
1392302954 | 1392331720 | t3_1xszbb | t5_2to41 | 2,195 | WedgieWhite: TIFU by NOT shitting myself
Well, this wasn't today (it was a couple weeks ago), but I want to share it because I am sick of people shitting themselves (as I am sure they are too).
I was traveling around China and wanted to go to a local zoo. The local zoo, it turns out, isn't really local; it was (and probably still is) 45 minutes away from the city by bus. Usually, this is no problem. But, this day was different.
See, the night before I had seafood. Seafood prepared in a Chinese kitchen, which means that it was going to cause problems. Also, it was spicy. That is two strikes.
The third strike, as it turned out, was that the "road" to the zoo wasn't actually a road, but rather a dirt path that was super bumpy. These three factors created the perfect storm in my bowels.
Not wanting to shit my self (like any rational person), I called over to the bus driver that I needed the bus to stop and that I needed to go to the bathroom. So the bus pulls over into the middle of a field. And as soon as I get off the bus, the bus takes off down the road. And that is where I fucked up.
Here I am, in the middle of nowhere China, in a field, and I truly need to shit. I am not proud of this, but I just shat, in the middle of a field. Now that that crisis was handled, I found a new immediate crisis: there was no bus. I was 25 minutes by bus away from the city in who knows what direction, standing in a field that some jackass just shat in.
I eventually was able to flag another bus down after an hour of walking along the dirt path (in the wrong direction) and make it to the zoo.
[deleted]: Thanks for giving the counter resetters a much needed day off! :)
PiggyBankofDespair: I wake up, like any other day, and I make my coffee. I drink it, black, just the way I hate it, because I've given up on enjoying anything anymore. On the way to work I turn off the radio and drive in silence, and when I arrive I stare at the clock before I punch in, taking in the futility of it all. This day will be like all the others. I get to my desk, draping my jacket over the back of my busted chair that the office won't fix and won't allow me to replace, and I look at my inbox.
That's when I see it. I've seen so much shit in my life that I've grown accustomed to feeling buried in it, but this one soul, this shining beacon of hope for humanity, kept all that shame and failure inside of him until the time was right. The burden of a thousand soiled outfits feels like it's been lifted off of my shoulders. I power off my computer and punch out of work only five minutes after I got in, and I listen to the radio the whole way home. It's beautiful.
randysjohnson: is this all you or quoted? either way, i liked the hell out of it.
PiggyBankofDespair: All me, thanks!
mrhorrible: I also found that to be a very good bit of writing. Actually made me sad.
LegendaryPrimate: Oddly, I found it quite powerful. I know it was written as a joke about someone not shitting themselves, but I've worked dead end jobs for so long that it really hit me hard in the beginning.
PiggyBankofDespair: Not sure why someone downvoted you, that's kinda the inspiration I was working off of when I wrote it.
| 8 | 274.375 | |
1392311808 | 1392347814 | t3_1xte35 | t5_2to41 | 49 | GrumpyMcGrumperton: TIFU by knowing the law.
So on the July ^4th last year a friend of mine lit off a bunch of fireworks in his backyard. Cops came and my friend gave them a small pile of fireworks. They told us to keep it down and left. He then proceeded to light off several more from a much larger pile. Cops came back, took the few remaining fireworks and charged my friend with possession of fireworks and disturbing the peace.
Fast forward two days. There's a third pile of fireworks (probably ~$150 worth) that my friend didn't tell anyone about. He was spooked about the cops and asked if I wanted them. Of course I said yes. Ten minutes later he's in my dad's driveway unloading fireworks. Not even *a minute* after he pulled in, the PoPo pull in right behind him. Neither of us would take ownership of the fireworks, so we both got charged with possession of fireworks.
I got my summons to go to court sometime in October. I went today. Apparently they combined my friend's two charges from his house, and the one charge from my house, but used my address. His court date was a couple weeks ago. My summons only said possession of fireworks, *not* disturbing the peace (a criminal charge, not civil). So I can only assume some dipshit court employee looking at these two separate cases thought some cop simply forgot to add the disturbing the peace charge to me.
We never lit *any* fireworks at my house. The cops said they saw smoke coming from my backyard. That's a blatant fucking lie.
So I looked up the law, still thinking I was only being charged with possession of fireworks, and found out the max. penalty is a $100 fine in this case. So I went to court this morning with my $100 in hand, and the fucking magistrate told me it was going to be $200 in court costs. Keep in my I don't know I'm being charged with disturbing the peace yet. I very politely said, "I'm sorry, but I thought the maximum fine for fireworks possession was $100."
Clerk MagiIHOPESHECHOKESONAPICKLEstrate: "Well you can tell that to the judge. I don't know the law."
***WHAT?!***
Now I have to go back to court for a crime I didn't commit. My friend who was caught red-handed paid a $200 fine. FML.
TL;DR - Police can say whatever the fuck they want and everyone thinks it's the Gospel truth.
PHProx: Where do you live that possession of fireworks is illegal and punishment is $100 fine?
GrumpyMcGrumperton: MA
Cougs67: So how was your friend able to get his hands on the goods? I thought you guys don't have Indian reservations out there?
GrumpyMcGrumperton: NH is an hour away.
Cougs67: That sucks man. Fireworks are legal out here, except for pretty much everything they sell on reservations. Cops don't do anything about it here though. Even if you're lighting off half sticks of dynamite in your backyard, nobody calls the police and the police never show up. As long as it's the 4th, nobody gives a shit. Possession and use of illegal fireworks is broken every year by a large percentage of the people out here
Sorry that the police/laws aren't as cool out there. I bet you guys will have legal recreational weed in not too long though!
GrumpyMcGrumperton: Yeah, I guess I've got that going for me.
Cougs67: I live in WA, and even though the weed stores aren't open yet, I love legalization! Nobody will get a criminal record anymore for peacefully smoking weed in their place or for simply having it on them in public! MA and WA are pretty like-minded, so I'm sure you'll be able to join us soon!
| 8 | 6.125 | |
1392313772 | 1392410350 | t3_1xthl6 | t5_2to41 | 53 | slugmaniac: TIFU by sneezing at the doctors.
To clarify this actually happened yesterday but I was too embarrassed to tell anyone until today.
As of the past few days I could feel a mean cold coming on, the kind that leaves your sinuses incapacitated and you wake up with a tunnel of snot in one nostril. I was feeling particularly grim and had a particularly unpleasant cough so I thought I'd head to the medical centre on campus to get a quick check up and make sure I wasn't dying.
Fast forward to the doctors office. Got seen pretty quickly, dude's having a feel of my chest to make sure I haven't got anything worse than I thought. Suddenly, the urge to sneeze took hold of me, the kind that much as you'd try to contain, it will find a way through.
In the space of about half a second before the inevitable, I turned my head away from the doctor so he wouldn't get the worst of it. Unbeknownst to me, a globule of phlegm the size of an egg was busy detaching itself from somewhere in the depths of my body in a bid for freedom.
I finally sneezed, letting rip this bloody behemoth at a solid 90 degree angle, where it made its way at terminal velocity straight onto the doctor's pristine shirt and tie. Silence fell as this stinking bloodstained phlegm packet slowly slid down his shirt.
After a moment of disgust the doctor said it was fine but I was cringing too hard to reply.
The worst part was coming back later to pick up my antibiotics and seeing him wearing a clearly borrowed too small shirt, he ignored me.
[deleted]: Im dying in laughter ahahaha, thank's for sharing. Imagine if you got it on his face.
xole: A few years ago, I had a boil on the side of my leg and went to the doctor for it. He put a bit of numbing stuff on it and used a scalpel to puncture it and then squeezed it to get the goo to come out. It shot out like a rocket of bloody pus all over his face and glasses. I apologized, but he just laughed as he cleaned it off saying that he was just glad I didn't punch him because of the pain. Yes, it hurt like a mofo, and he actually did have a guy punch him once.
TL;DR: I gave my doctor a facial of blood and pus from a boil.
[deleted]: Lucky it didn't went in his mouth, thank's for sharing.
| 4 | 13.25 | |
1392340235 | 1392496360 | t3_1xutjs | t5_2to41 | 734 | Nuke-The-Whales: TIFU by telling my boyfriend's father not to impregnate me . . .
My boyfriend's father and I are very close. We text often, about a myriad of subjects, but usually about his sons, and his wife who passed away a few years ago. He likes to vent and talk, and I love to listen and exchange perspectives.
So, this particular evening we were discussing abortion. I am 23, and I've only been dating his son for a couple of months, and he asked me if I would seek an abortion if I were to get pregnant tomorrow. I told him I don't think I could, but it would be a really difficult decision with a lot to consider. We talk a bit more, and then a few hours later (after the abortion conversation is long gone) he says that he hopes his son stays with me forever.
I proceed to thank him, and say: "that's very sweet of you to say! Just don't go getting me pregnant now!"
What. The. Fuck. Did. I. Just. Type.
I meant to tell him not to wish pregnancy upon me so his son and I will be forced to be in each others' lives . . . But instead, I essentially implied he would try to impregnate me.
Dear god, what a sick love-triangle this sounds like.
PackTheBowl: Why are you super close with your boyfriend of a couple months windowed father? Not trying to pass judgment but that seems suspicious. As a guy I would neither want my gf close with my dad nor would I want to be close to my sons gf.
pertichor: OP just seems like the kind of girl who's trouble.
ThatsNotSkanking: ...why?
pertichor: Reverse the roles.
Say you're a girl and you've had a boyfriend for several months. Your mom is widowed. Would it not seem weird if your boyfriend took a massive interest in your mom?
ThatsNotSkanking: I think it's a bit far to say she's 'trouble' for it. Also, who said it was her taking a massive interest in him? He could be missing the company of someone close to talk to and so wants a new friend. What is OP going to do, blow him off and ignore him when he wants to make conversation with her?
emywox: then he can make a new friend in his age group or seek a professional. not his sons girlfriend
ThatsNotSkanking: Then that's his fault. Not OP's.
emywox: if she continues the conversation then yes it is her fault. its a lack of respect for her boyfriend. there are boundaries to relationships and this is way over a few.
ThatsNotSkanking: I think you're blowing this out of proportion. Take my earlier response - what would you do in this situation? Ignore him? I think if she's talking to this guy, her boyfriend knows and is fine with it. You seem determined to make OP out to be in the wrong for some reason.
Nuke-The-Whales: You're exactly right. I don't text him first, we don't text every day. What am I going to do, ignore him?
Plus, my boyfriend knows me and his Dad are close/get along well.
Personally, I loved that my ex-boyfriend was close with my family. I would want my husband to be close with my parents. (Not suggesting I'm even thinking about marriage, I'm just saying a lot of fellow Redditors are saying it's insane that I'm even this close with him)
ThatsNotSkanking: To be honest, I'm with you on this one. People are making out like because you're friends with his dad that automatically means you're gonna shag him or some shit. Jesus people, not every relationship is based on sex.
| 12 | 61.166667 | |
1392347319 | 1392404781 | t3_1xv5g1 | t5_2to41 | 89 | deius: TIFU by sending my gf a text about certain characteristics of my dick, except I actually sent it to a group chat.
No throwaway - no point now.
I have a mild case of vitiligo, or loss of pigment in certain locations on my body. There are some small spots on my hands, a little bit on my elbows, and a dime sized patch on Mr. Schlong.
My gf and I are going on vacation soon so we've been pre-tanning. The text said: *Either my dick is getting darker or the patch without pigment is getting whiter lol.*
One buddy thought it was hilarious and dubbed me King of Douchebags. The group chat has otherwise gone completely dead.
**TLDR** - My friends could pick my dick out of a line-up.
**EDIT** - So I'm getting no end of ribbing a day later, but my friends are all still talking to me. I've been called Spot, Dottie, Leopard Dick, and Spotted Dick which, apparently, is a type of British pudding. TIL
jeremy_280: Wait did you get divorced over the past 7 months?
bsista: Wait did you check OP's post history to see if there were any dick pics?
jeremy_280: Truthfully yeah to skip trying to Google what exactly that would look like.
juicylips336: I am actually curious now
deius: Before anyone asks, had I (OP) used a throwaway, I'd have delivered. Alas, I did not.
| 6 | 14.833333 | |
1392345322 | 1392498016 | t3_1xv27f | t5_2to41 | 13 | bluebalz: TIFU by getting blue balls
A little bit of back story. I masturbate almost daily. Have done so since high school. The only times I don't masturbate are when I am expecting to get laid. Reason being is I usually have trouble finishing if I have masturbated that day and would much rather risk cumming a little early and having a go at round 2 as opposed to not being able to finish.
Well I have recently started dating a girl who is a bit of a tease. She loves torturing me, letting me think that we are going to finally have sex and then will abruptly pull my hand from the inside of her pants and roll me off of her. Well last night we had decided to have our early Valentine's day dinner as her roommate broke things off with her boyfriend last week and asked her to have a girls night. So she tells me that she has a present for me, and has been hinting at having sex very very strongly.
We plan to just cook up a romantic dinner at her place and share a couple of bottles of wine. After we are down to the last glass she turns to me and says, "are you ready for your present?" I of course am feeling a little buzzed at this point and very horny as we had been making out fairly heavily, can only respond by nodding my head. So she grabs my hand and leads me into the bedroom. She tells me to finish my glass of wine. I immediately chug it. She grabs the glass from my hand and pushes me onto the bed.
She begins to rub her hands all over my chest and legs, but won't let me touch her. Turning on some sort of electric dance music she begins to grind on me, kissing my neck, rubbing her fingers through my hair, putting my face into her cleavage, and quite literally driving me crazy. After a solid ten minutes of that she begins to slow down and ease out of it. She finally stops completely and asks if I enjoyed my present. I of course immediately realize I am yet again not getting passed second base. I of course let out a sound that was some sort of acknowledgement of the sheer joy/depression/confusion I was feeling in the moment. Of course she loves knowing how conflicted I am in this moment (apparently she gets completely aroused knowing that I will go home and masturbate to the thought of what just happened). I fall asleep to her scratching my back.
Fast forward to the fuck up. So today I get home immediately jump in my bed and begin to ferociously whack it like I have never before. I am so completely wound up in the thought of last night and how turned on I was I didn't realize how close I was to finishing. I am nearing the finish and my body just takes over, I don't even have time to grab a towel and was not prepared for the eruption about to occur. Not only did I cum more than I have in my entire life, but it went literally everywhere. My blanket, sheets, the shirt I was wearing, my face (luckily my eyes and mouth were closed), and even the pillow. I can't get the greasy feeling out of my beard/mustache. I fear that it must be shaved. This has never happened in my 9 plus years of jacking off. Contemplating whether or not I should tell her.
Well my friends I know this was a long one, but I hope you enjoyed it.
Mattv323: I can't believe you wrote this... It's so gay
KristyConfused: Um, no, it's actually quite heterosexual.
Mattv323: He talked about playing with his dick for most of the story, and then told us about him. Cumming
porcia918: welcome to reddit
Mattv323: I don't understand how the registers as okay in his mind
r3tr3ad: you're new around here. you probably don't even know about doritos, jolly rancher, or the cumbox.
Mattv323: I'm not new around here. I just don't think that a normal human shares this stuff.
Please explain those things for me though
[deleted]: No, you're pretty fuckin new. This is fine. You chose to read it, so I don't see how you can blame him for it.
Mattv323: No I'm not new, it's just really gay
thatguy219: A guy talking about being with his girlfriend, getting blue balls, and then jacking it is gay? You've never talked to any guy about any hookup or anything of that sort ever?
Mattv323: No I think the fact that he told people he came on his face is
| 12 | 1.083333 | |
1392352237 | 1392476508 | t3_1xvd1u | t5_2to41 | 824 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting my boyfriend cum inside me.
Tonight, my boyfriend and I celebrating the end of my period by some awesome, had to wait a week sexy times. We decided to go without the condom (BC pills plus not ovulating means fun!).
Now, there was a time before where, for the first time, I let my boyfriend cum all over my chest. I experienced an allergic reaction. There was a rash with some hives. I chalked it up to possibly the tissues we used to wipe it off of me plus heat and then maybe the semen didn't help.
So tonight, in the heat of the moment, we kind of pushed that worry to the back of our minds and went for it.
Right now, I'm sitting on the couch in pain. My vagina feels swollen and hurts quite a bit, I'm running a fever, and at one point my throat was swelling. Thankfully, benadryl helped out so no awkward ER trip for me, but now we have to be extra careful. Condoms at all times.
I'm never having kids.
**TL;DR: My vagina is telling me that my boyfriend is not good for me.**
fairshoulders: You might not be allergic to him specifically... You might be allergic to something he eats regularly. Shellfish, dairy, pineapples...
RougeCrown: Or cum.
T2112: Her boyfriend has been eating cum?
voodeux_thatyoudo: I ain't judging.
Bojan888: I'm sure every guy here has tried to taste his own cum at least once.... Right?
idrink211: Right?!
clickstation: \*crickets\*
juicylips336: Yes
I'm female
windexo: The amount of men that give me horrified looks when I say I know what mine tastes like on a regular basis is amazing.
If you're expecting a woman to swallow you best know what you're shooting.
3vere1: Which is why I'll be astonished if someone ever swallows the shit that comes out of my cock.
legalfoxhound27: Shit comes out of your cock?
3vere1: Every once in a while, yes it does.
| 13 | 63.384615 | |
1392349521 | 1392433222 | t3_1xv8v3 | t5_2to41 | 51 | AWildCanadianApeared: TIFU by leaving my account open on my laptop in the family room.
So earlier this morning I was jerkin' the gerkin' and having a hell of a time, and when I finished I closed my laptop and cleaned up. Afterward I went downstairs, placed my computer on the desk in the family room and sat down to do some browsing and school work. For reference, I'm 18 and go to community college in Southern California. I live at home for the time being.
Anyway, I finished up the work for my online classes and went into the other room to get some lunch. Meanwhile, my little brother (13) decided to use my computer, and what does he do? He opens the drive labeled "PORN" which is actually a 16 gigabyte encrypted file container that I forgot to dismount. He then opened a video and started yelling for my parents to come see. I got to walk into my parents looking at lesbian squirting porn while my brother tells them it was on my account on a hard drive.
Needless to say my parents are pissed, more at the fact that my brother had access to porn rather than the porn itself. My dad yelled at both of us, my brother got a talking to and I got the look of disappointment. At least he didn't find the nastier stuff I have stored in that.
javitogomezzzz: TIL people still download porn
AWildCanadianApeared: If its good I'll download it, if its hard to find I'll download it, if its nasty fetish stuff I'll download it, plus there is a lot of good stuff that I grabbed when I would go to my friend's house. His parents didn't filter the internet so I would download porn at his house.
thejam15: Do your parents filter the internet for your brother or is it something else
AWildCanadianApeared: They filter porn because of him. Its nothing too harsh they just don't want their kids watching porn which is well within their rights as parents and I respect that.
thejam15: Ahh totally understandable
| 6 | 8.5 | |
1392333064 | 1392412979 | t3_1xuh7m | t5_2to41 | 114 | VorgonPoetLaureate: TIFU by bullshitting a German vocab quiz
Today I had a German vocab quiz, on which I did not know the word Vorurteil. I had to write a couple of sentences, in German, to define the word, so I decided to bullshit and write "Ich habe Vorurteil. Ich liebe mein Vorurteil". I figured these sentences had a sort of far reach, and maybe I could get some partial credit. After class I looked up what this word meant, to see whether or not I bullshited correctly. Vorurteil means prejudice... I wrote "I have prejudice. I love my prejudice." Tomorrow I will have a very concerned and confused German professor to answer to.
hardypart: You could tell him you confused Vorurteil (prejudice) and Vorteil (advantage). Then maybe you should be able to tell him which advantege(s) you meant, but it would be a good explanation for your two sentences. *typo
[deleted]: meine weißen Vorteil
hardypart: "Ich kenne meine Vorteile" ;)
[deleted]: And now I want to learn German kind of. I'm already learning a different language though so I'm inclined to just stick with the one I'm with instead of learning 2...
| 5 | 22.8 | |
1392401259 | 1392408935 | t3_1xvr2q | t5_2to41 | 24 | plarpco: Yeah, why not sign up for obamacare? Do you work? You very likely would be eligible for subsidies that would take care of a lot of the cost for you. It's worth a shot. If you want to avoid the [healthcare.gov](http://www.healthcare.gov) site, just check out [healthsherpa.com](http://www.healthsherpa.com) to see prices in your state.
Anistmows: I checked out Obamacare, it was almost 500 dollars a month for me, as a unemployed person I can't afford that. I'm actually hoping to get a job I recently interviewed for!
plarpco: Really? Can I ask what state you live in? You can PM me if you want.
edit: from healthcare.gov...
>If your state is expanding Medicaid, you’ll probably qualify [for medicaid] if you make up to $16,104 a year for 1 person ($32,913 for a family of 4).
and
> If your state isn’t expanding Medicaid in 2014... If you make less than about $11,490 a year as a single person or about $23,550 for a family of 4, you may not qualify for lower costs for private insurance based on your income. However, you may be eligible for Medicaid, even without the expansion, based on your state’s existing rules.
Anistmows: I currently reside in good ol' texas.
plarpco: Hmm... well, the catastrophic plans are only $100/month. But, I guess that isn't very helpful. Too bad Texas hasn't expanded its Medicaid program. Good luck with that job, and sorry about your eardrums.
Anistmows: Thanks very much appreciated, I actually had awesome insurance though my old company, and never had to use it...just my luck as soon as I need it I don't have it!
| 6 | 4 | |
1392359197 | 1393512680 | t3_1xvmbj | t5_2to41 | 32 | MisssBadgerEnt: TIFU by putting cold sore medicine all over my fingers
I suffer from a type of OCD called compulsive skin picking (CSP), so i have an uncontrollable obsession with biting/picking/peeling the skin off my fingers (mostly around my finger nails, up to the first knuckle, sometimes more).
NOTE: this is incredible painful. Sometimes i can't bend my fingers or generally use my hands at all. For example, I'll have trouble pulling my pants on or trying to open things.
Anyways, on to the fuck up. About ten minutes ago i told myself to stop chomping my fingers and go to bed. At this point, I've had this habit since childhood, I'm now 23, and they are honestly the worst they have ever been. **Soooooo...** i deicide to put neosporin on my fingers and sleep with gloves on (helps heal and relieve pain).
So I'm watching TV, applying tons of neosporin all over my open wounds. I think, "gee, this kinda burns... Must just be because of how bad i picked." Continue to apply neosporin.
All of a sudden i get this familiar smell... Similar to a mint smell. "Wait. I recognize that smell." I had grabbed the cold sore medicine from my nightstand, thinking it was the neosporin - both white tubes, same cap, same size. At this point my hands are ablaze with fiery pain and i run to the bathroom and wash it off... Also painful.
**TL;DR: I'm such a dumb ass. Confused tube of neosporin for tube of cold sore medicine and rubbed it all over my bitten fingers. Now my hands are literally throbbing in pain.**
HCUKRI: Could you show us some pics of your fingers.
MisssBadgerEnt: This is an old picture, but now the cuts go up past my first knuckle and down around my fingers (like on my fingertips)
http://www.imgur.com/VwDdv6h.jpeg
ThatGenericUserYT: Damn, that must hurt a *lot.* it looks like an angry cat attacked your fingers.
MisssBadgerEnt: The pain is... Indescribable. But as someone with CSP, i can't stop, and sometimes i just love the pain.... Wtf right? Lol
| 5 | 6.4 | |
1392395263 | 1392402325 | t3_1xwnqt | t5_2to41 | -11 | [deleted]: TIFU By giving in a eating out my girlfriends butt-hole.
So basically my girlfriend dropped it on me last week that she wants me to go down on her butt-hole. She said she understood If I didn't want to do it but she has always been very generous with me in bed so I said fuck it and told her next time she spends the night I will perform this act on her. Well sure enough last night she slept over and I after a hot make out session I went to town on that ass. What happens next? It tickles her so much she farts in my mouth then proceeds to have diarrhea all over my face. I fell to the floor started vomiting profusely and she ran out of the room screaming and crying. I spent most of the night in the shower/brushing my teeth and making myself puke. Its been 8 hours since we talked and I am utterly disgusted with her.
TLDR: Ate out gf's butt hole. She shat down my throat. Spent the night crying/puking/showering.
graziano8852: I would have died.. The smell of other peoples shit makes me gag. If i ever got that in my mouth i would die.
3kool5you: You're fucking scum
graziano8852: Im not the one who ate shit you fucking slob.
3kool5you: What the fuck did you just fucking say about me you little bitch?
MountainPercussion: I think he meant that you were the shit eater. Just a guess though.
[deleted]: How did this argument even start? His reaction makes no sense...
3kool5you: He's my brother and made this post from my account
XFlipFlopX: Bulllshit, I bet this whole post is made up
3kool5you: It is
| 10 | -1.1 | |
1392396333 | 1392440600 | t3_1xwpli | t5_2to41 | 1,140 | friedjumboshrimp: NSFU- TIFU by sending my Mom a vibrator on Valentine's Day!
NSFW- It all started because my girlfriend wanted a few books for Valentine's Day. I looked for them in the local bookstore and could not find them, I got the brilliant idea of asking my Mom if I could use her Amazon Prime account so I could get the free 2nd day shipping. So I log in and curiosity got the better of me and I decided I was going to order a vibrator as a gag gift for my girlfriend. I found one and when I went to place it in my shopping cart I evidently hit "One Click Shopping". Not only was the order placed, it was billed to my Mom's Credit Card and sent to her house in her name. I tried to cancel the order and it wouldn't let me. I called customer service and they said since it was ordered in my Mom's name she would have to cancel the order. So I just check UPS's tracking and it's been delivered. After giving much thought and a few sleepless nights I've decided I am just going to play dumb and pretend I don't know anything about it. Happy Valentine's Day! I'm a nervous wreck.
Ok, added info it was a 10" realistic vibrator with balls, and yes it was the black one. http://www.amazon.com/Unique-x2033-Sensual-Stimulated-Vibrator/dp/B00FC23SQE/ref=sr_1_10?ie=UTF8&qid=1392260153&sr=8-10&keywords=vibrator+large
UPDATE: just got back from dinner at Mom's, and yes we had spaghetti. So when we walk in the house mom says to me "The UPS man came today" Dad chimes in "What can BROWN do for you". He has this shit eating grin on his face, my Mom says to my girlfriend "Sarah, did he get you chocolate this year?" So we sit down in the living room watching the Olympics and my Mom brings in the Amazon box and hands it to Sarah and says "I think this is for you, I didn't open it" and my Dad busts out in laughter. Sarah is beat red and then mercifully Mom changed the topic and started talking about the recent snowstorms. So everything went much better than expected, and yes the box looked like it had been re-taped. Thanks for all the advice and never underestimate how awesome Moms are. HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!
Silverlight42: Or you could be a man and confess to it.
Don't play it off as a gag gift either.
People masturbate. Girls too. Sometimes toys are used. It's a perfectly fine thing to do and talk about.... though, not necessarily to your mom however but the mistake's been made and it'd be best to just own it at this point.
friedjumboshrimp: My girlfriend has a few sex toys already, this was a gag because it's a monster 10" realistic with balls. I wish I were more open with my mom, but this time I'm just going to keep quiet. She will probably think my Dad sent it.
DeathHaze420: I'm not very open with my mom either, but if I accidentally billed and sent her a dildo I would tell her in advance.
friedjumboshrimp: Try it.
DeathHaze420: When I was a kid I asked her what the silver artillery shell was in her night stand was. She told me what it actually was and it didn't bother me.
If I were you I would be more scared that yyour mom is going to use it and think my son is so thoughtful. At least if you talked to her before she could have cancelled it.
friedjumboshrimp: Big difference between a bullet and a 10" black realistic vibrator (with balls).
DeathHaze420: Artillery shell means roughly 8 inches.
Also, you are an adult, I would assume. I was a child.
And I'm not trying to fight with you, I was just trying to show you that its worse in your head than it would be in real life. Give it a bit and this will be fucking funny to you.
snowysnowy: According to OP's update, you have now been tagged "Wise Sage of the Fake Dongs".
There's no brown tag, so orange will have to suffice.
| 9 | 126.666667 | |
1392400145 | 1392436501 | t3_1xwwha | t5_2to41 | 422 | OrpheusV: TIFU by using phospho-soda incorrectly.
Didn't happen today, as this happened last weekend, I've just now decided to put it up.
As we all know, weird shit happens. In my case, I haven't taken a dump in well over a week, so I went to my doctor about it. Perhaps I didn't have enough fiber or water in my diet, who knows. In any case, he decides that phospho soda will work in the most nuclear manner possible. He mentioned that it'll work, but there'll be some discomfort. No big, at least I'll be cleared out.
Later that evening, I drink the entire thing. I also neglected to mention that he said to only drink half of it in the evening and the rest in the morning. I went to sleep, or so i thought.
At about 10PM, the pain just starts. Agonizing adominal pain, where I couldn't move out of bed, the agony was horrible. I've broken bones and I've had a toenail ripped off. It had nothing on the fact it felt like Diablo was going to town on my ass with a cactus. Three hours pass, all of which consist of me lying down in tears, and some of the pain subsides, enough of which to allow me to drag myself to the bathroom. Then came the gas. Oh god, the gas. Hitler would have hired me as the fumes could probably be weaponized. I thought I was going to die to my own fumes, it was awful. Nothing could have possibly prepared me for what came next...
Then came the bowel movements, in the worst way possible. Imagine the most satisfying dump you've ever taken. Now make it 10x longer and that much larger, kinda like eating a 5lb bag of sugarfree gummi bears, only worse. It felt like the contents of Mt. Vesuvius was being funneled through a cocktail drink straw. My infernal eye felt like it was being bleached with ghost peppers. I just sat there, tears streaming down my face as the endless torrent of fudge fell. I easily felt it leave me for more than 10 minutes, and flushed at least four times. At some point some of the slime splashed upward onto my balls in the worst way possible.
After that episode, and the final flush, I felt triumphant over the nightmare that was a portal to the poop dimension. Except for the the fact there was the unmistakable color of red in the last of it as I went to give it a closed-casket funeral. The horror of it all finally washed over as I realized it was *blood*. My ass was bleeding.
Cue a rush to the ER, as it didn't stop for well over 15 minutes, a constant trickle of blood leaking out my ass. A couple of hours, an x-ray, and an impromptu colonoscopy to cauterize the bleeding later, I was sent back to my apartment. I didn't leave my room for three days due to the pain.
On the flipside, I didn't shit myself. I shit everything else. To my roommate, I'm so sorry about the bathroom, and I have no idea if the fumes will ever come out. And things have been back to normal since.
tl;dr shitty supervolcano because I didn't read the label.
free_range_veal: fantastic write up. sorry about your butt.
OrpheusV: Turns out I was drinking far too much soda. So I've cut back to water and tea only since.
jeffthefox: Stick with it! Soon you won't even enjoy soda, and you'll feel much better and healthier overall.
BIG_JUICY_TITTIEZ: >Soon you won't even enjoy soda
Being a water-only convert for a while now, I was surprised at this when I first noticed it. Soda is really sickeningly sweet and can be pretty acidic. I don't know how I ever kept up a liter per day habit.
SF_Hydro: Exactly the same here, I've only drank water for 6 years now, and the taste of soda repulses me now. People think I'm crazy because I can tell the difference between a region's water.
iberis: Really only water? No tea or juice?
SF_Hydro: I drink a glass of orange juice on special occasions such as birthdays etc. Other than that, water all the way. It just makes me happy when I drink it, idk, sounds weird but it's a feel good drink for me, really gives me a boost in energy and motivation.
iberis: Well it definitely is a good habit. I like good water too. You are right about water tasting different from depending on where it's from. I like Fiji and Evian water the best.
| 9 | 46.888889 | |
1392408001 | 1392412980 | t3_1xxa08 | t5_2to41 | 3 | Orifice_Master: TIFU by not walking my girlfriend to class.
So basically for the past few days we've been walking to class together and lo and behold I didn't want to be late to chemistry today so I book it out of the library to class and she texts me angry 20 minutes later. I'm nervous.
sexinthepark: ["lo and behold" doesn't really make sense the way you used it.](http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/lo%20and%20behold?s=ts&ld=1093) unless it was somehow surprising that you did not want to be late to chemistry.
Orifice_Master: I was worried and didn't think about wording of the post, sorry man. But usually I tend to be late to that class anyway and I didn't want to be because the teacher was going to give me detention if I was tardy again.
| 3 | 1 | |
1392403791 | 1392610981 | t3_1xx2q4 | t5_2to41 | 85 | rssnlsn: TIFU by saying a duck was a mammal
Sitting in class today and my professor is spouting off random facts and questions. I answer one correctly so I'm feeling good about myself. He starts the next one, "what is the only mammal that doesn't make a vocal sound?" Or something along the lines of that. The answer is a giraffe. The problem is, I had mentally prepared myself to answer the question "what is the animal that their call doesn't echo?"
Tl;dr - today I said, in public, that a duck is both a mammal and doesn't make any noise.
PoshNoob: If it's any consolation, my friend, while 18 years old, didn't know that ducks were birds.
In her words, "WHAT!? Ducks aren't birds! They're ducks!"
This same girl also said a month or so later "Wait, caterpillars turn into butterflies!?"
So, it could have been worse.
ticklesmyfancy: My mom used to think babies came out of a pouch that women, painlessly, grow from their bellies. "Like kangaroos." BOY, was she in for a rude awakening when she had my older brother.
eigenvectorseven: I like to imagine she didn't realise until she was going into labour.
ticklesmyfancy: She didn't. idk why my dad didn't tell her the truth. I guess she didn't believe him. She also didn't find out where her urethra was until she had my younger brother. My lola is a registered nurse and decided to lie to my mom about various things when she was growing up, too. Like how periods worked (she told my mom she was just bleeding from her butt because of gymnastics), or that my mom had the option of picking what her baby will look like just the way you can order a meal off the menu at McDonald's. I have no clue. My mom went to Catholic school.
She also used to think rabbits laid chocolate eggs and hid them around Easter time, and that's why humans came up with the Easter egg hunt game.
Gosh, I could go on about how gullible/ill-informed my mom is haha.
eigenvectorseven: What the ... is your mum mentally okay?
ticklesmyfancy: Nothing wrong with her mentally. She was/is just *extremely* gullible.
katzali: That sounds amazingly entertaining.
ticklesmyfancy: This one's not a gullible story, but back in December, my younger brother opened every drawer and cabinet in our kitchen and stacked the chairs and cereal boxes onto the table before he went to bed.
My mom discovered it in the morning and was so terrified that instead of screaming (which she typically does when she's startled), she tiptoed to all of our rooms and tapped lightly on the doors to alert us of the scene because she was afraid that whatever did that was still in the house.
| 9 | 9.444444 | |
1392409389 | 1392409899 | t3_1xxcda | t5_2to41 | 35 | ButINeverReallyLived: TIFU By calling in sick to work when I wasn't
It's Valentine's Day so I decided to take my girlfriend out. Bad part is, I forgot to ask for the day off of work and of course they put me on. So I called in sick, used the fake voice, told them I vomited. They said "Okay, we just need a Doctor's Note!" *Click*
A little back story too, I gave them my two weeks notice Wednesday, because they really suck.
So now I have to either forge a Doctor's Note or just flat out quit.
Happy Valentine's Day!!!!
0t1sdrugs: Piss poor planning my friend, you really did fuck up.
Edit:Happy valentines to you too.
ButINeverReallyLived: Yeah, I know. No one to blame but myself really.
0t1sdrugs: At least you admit it.
| 4 | 8.75 | |
1392419006 | 1392447966 | t3_1xxsst | t5_2to41 | 30 | [deleted]: TIFU when my dad came in room, smelt like cum and odd tabs open
My dad came upstairs without me knowing, I had just finished jerking and had cleaned up, but my room still smelt like cum and I had [**this tab**] (http://www.brainphysics.com/yourenotgay.php) open, and in the tab box it said "I'M GAY BUT YOU'RE.." he must have seen it because I was showing him some stuff on the internet.
He stayed for far too long, and kept giving me *weird* looks, I do not think I will sleep any time soon.
tarlung: How smelly is your cum?
Pashtacular: It's a small room, I do not think I have that bad smelling cum.
| 3 | 10 | |
1392430407 | 1392433395 | t3_1xy8t0 | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating gummy bears
Oh man...words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. The Gummi Bear "Cleanse". If you are someone that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, RUN!
First of all, for taste I would rate these a 5. So good. Soft, true-to-taste fruit flavors like the sugar variety...I was a happy camper.
BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I've ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I've had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me.
Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell...the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn't stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.
But wait; there's more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible.
AND IT WENT ON FOR HOURS.
I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005.
I had FIVE POUNDS of these innocent-looking delicious-tasting HELLBEARS so I told a friend about what happened to me, thinking it HAD to be some type of sensitivity I had to the sugar substitute, and in spite of my warnings and graphic descriptions, she decided to take her chances and take them off my hands.
Silly woman. All of the same for her, and a phone call from her while on the toilet (because you kinda end up living in the bathroom for a spell) telling me she really wished she would have listened. I think she was crying.
Her sister was skeptical and suspected that we were exaggerating. She took them to work, since there was still 99% of a 5 pound bag left. She works for a construction company, where there are builders, roofers, house painters, landscapers, etc. Lots of people who generally have limited access to toilets on a given day. I can't imagine where all of those poor men (and women) pooped that day. I keep envisioning men on roofs, crossing their legs and trying to decide if they can make it down the ladder, or if they should just jump.
If you order these, best of luck to you. And please, don't post a video review during the aftershocks.
PS: When I ordered these, the warnings and disclaimers and legalese were NOT posted. I'm not a moron. Also, not sure why so many people assume I'm a man. I am a woman. We poop too. Of course, our poop sparkles and smells like a walk in a meadow of wildflowers. Thanks for all the great comments. I've been enjoying reading them and so glad that the horror show I experienced from snacking on these has at least made some people smile.
pistolopera83: Nice steal from an Amazon Review. Originally posted in 2012.
http://www.amazon.com/review/R3FTHSH0UNRHOH
AyySL: this.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1392429494 | 1392456972 | t3_1xy7lo | t5_2to41 | 53 | Varocity: TIFU bt eating fried chicken
To be specific this actually happened last summer.
I went on a service trip to Nicaragua to install plumbing, help with schools, transport animals, etc.
So at one point we go to an oddly placed mall food court with the ever present TipTop fried chicken fast food restaurant for lunch. So as we get to the mall my stomach feels a bit uncomfortable and I decided to go to the restroom. It was one of the worst bouts of shitting I had ever done. I get out, stomach still feeling uncomfortable but I just think it's kind of an after effect. so what is there to do in a food court? Eat. And I did. Fried chicken. Oh god it was good. TipTop is the tip top of fried chicken.
The diarrhea. It was. Horrible. Like molten lava pouring from my ass.
Oh by the way did I mention this was during the summer? Yes. I did. But did I also mention it was during El Niño? The humidity. Oh god the humidity. Why. Why.
The endless amount of shitting lasted for three painful days in extremely humid conditions with sub US standards of plumbing.
TLDR ate fried chicken and got diarrhea in Nicaragua during the summer during El Niño p.
lorenzo22: Meh, you probably had the stomach virus long before you ate the fried chicken.
Varocity: I have no doubt of this and it can be easily deduced from the story as in sure you did but the fried chicken made it all the more worse
Instantcretin: Meh, it may have helped, all that starch and protein.
Warm_Bagels: Meh.
| 5 | 10.6 | |
1392433383 | 1392503745 | t3_1xyco3 | t5_2to41 | 3 | shatnersprodigy: TIFU By not avoiding pot to use the pot
The beginning of this terrible day started when I woke up and there was a box of 24 tacos from my local Taco Bell sitting on my table as a Valentine's Day gift from my wonderful girlfriend. She knows I love Taco Bell, and I, of course, decide the only logical course of action is to eat all of the tacos for breakfast. 24 god damn tacos... Anyways, I go to the school (public of course) and I make it through 7 periods before those tacos start bothering me. I ask my history professor if I can go to the bathroom, and he's too senile to care what we do and waves me like he's a traffic cop or some shit. As I walk across the hallway to the bathroom, I get a little bit of diarrhea leaking from my anus, so this shit was serious. So I get to the bathroom and...
A group of juniors are smoking goddamn pot.
I had to make a split-second decision here, do I risk it and take a shit and risk smelling like marijuana, or do I man up and let my bowels cleanse themselves? Well, as the title suggests, I took the shit. I guess I didn't entirely fuck up, because the kafka-esque stench released from my rectum broke up that little group of juniors before they had finished the joint. However, after I had finished my shit, I got out of the bathroom and realized that the pot smell clung to me, and I indeed smelled like smoked grass. Well, I skipped history and my date on Valentine's day (a fuck up for another time, let me tell you) to take a vigorous 3 showers. When my parents came home, I gave the each a big hug thinking I was free from the telling stench of pot.
Suddenly my mom says. "Does something smell like a skunk?" and I knew it was all over. My dad, a police officer, immediately recognized the stench that was oh-so-treacherously to my socks.
after a long lecture, I am now grounded :'(
[deleted]: You have never smoked pot or been around anyone who has smoked pot.
This doesn't happen.
shatnersprodigy: I can assure you, this did happen. If you're wondering why no one interacted with me, I left out that part for brevity's sake.
captainkaleb: Sorry, but this story is bullshit. If you had ever tried some bud, you would know that.
GravityChanges: Hmmm.. I agree it sounds fishy. [Little background info: either at birth or by 2 years old (from all the medicine I needed.. sick kid) I cannot remember ever being able to smell. My nose is blind.]
Now I got my med card in Cal when I spent a few weeks there. The day I was to leave I smoked my last bowl of the best weed I'd seen in 30 years on Earth, then I took a long, thorough shower and put on clean clothes that I had kept in a plastic bag to avoid the dank hotel rooms aroma and brushed my teeth (even swallowed a little toothpaste and later ate some fire-balls). Following that I flew and spent at least 12-15 hours travelling. I walked in the door, kissed the wife, she sat next to me on the couch and sniffed the air prior to bluntly asking if I smoked weed.
I was shocked the smell was so pervasive. While smells in general are a bit of a mystery to me, I figured I had this evidence beat, but I did not. My theory is that the smell seeped into my quarantined travel-day clothes' bag, but I really have no idea if it was 'on' me or the clothes- all I do know that the bud was amazing and the smell evidently stronger than I had ever tried to blindly cover in my "past life".
| 5 | 0.6 |
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