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1392434537 | 1392468846 | t3_1xye5l | t5_2to41 | 123 | IT_MUST_BE_MY_BDAY: TIFU by asking my guy if he's ever done anal
Not that our Valentine's Day was perfect, but it was not too bad. We had a late dinner at a restaurant we always enjoy. Normally, we do not talk much about past relationships, but after the first drink on an empty stomach, he was tipsy enough to start talking about a one night stand he had with a friend of a co-worker who had a crush on him. He didn't go into details, but the gist was clear as day. The point of the conversation was mostly about the drama of the two girls confronting each other, but he did mention details such as back rubs and making out and who slept in what bed that night. Fast forward half an hour and the conversation still hadn't veered entirely out of the past relationships area, so I mentioned I found it odd he'd open up about this one night stand, but have a problem admitting whether or not he'd ever done anal (it came up once). He clammed up again and said that it wasn't just his reputation he had to protect and that it was too personal and disrespectful to talk about something like that. I said I wasn't asking about who, just whether or not he had experienced it. One full taxi ride of fighting later, he's in bed and I'm on the couch wondering how the hell talking about his one night stand on our Valentine's Day date was peachy, but asking about anal is too personal. He's mad that I "ruined our night." I wasn't super in the mood after his story about banging his friend's friend anyway. I'm convinced there are several fuck ups at work here. Happy Valentine's Day, everyone.
**TL;DR Brought up anal after dinner, Valentine's Day went to shit**
Edit: Threw in lolmonade's shitty pun. ;)
[deleted]: He probably got banged in the ass a few times and doesn't like to think about it.
You should break up with him.
IT_MUST_BE_MY_BDAY: Lol.. oh, reddit, you never fail. Always assume the worst and make life-changing decisions based on it.
Omariscomingyo: We know more about him and the situation than you do!
| 4 | 30.75 | |
1392432724 | 1392496267 | t3_1xybtl | t5_2to41 | 9 | TalkingBush: TIFU by dropping my Beats by Dre in the toilet
So yesterday it was late at night and I was about to go sleep, but not before going to pee like I do every night before I go to sleep. With my headphones on my head and my favorite blanket in my hand, I walked in the bathroom and approached the toilet.
Closing in on the toilet I needed to free my hands so I dropped the blanket on the floor. Triggering a chain of events, the blanket dropped to the floor and caught the wire of my headphones as it went down. The wire pulled my headphones off of my head with the momentum of the blanket and at a perfect trajectory angle straight into the toilet. SPLASH
Now, these are $200 headphones we are talking about here that my mother was nice enough to buy me for Christmas. SO after a split second of disbelief and shock I dove after them and pulled them out of the toilet. I had that feeling like "That actually just happened and there's no way to reverse time." Then I dried them off and used disinfecting wipes several times. I was so upset. I played music through them, and the fucking worked... So I went to school today as they dried off and then sprayed them with cologne because I think they smelled like toilet water.
I was listening to them earlier today and my ears felt all cold and wet when I took them off.
edit: It's hilarious how many people downvoted this thread because they're beats. The thread is not about the fucking headphones, it's about how "TODAY I FUCKED UP"
o0tweak0o: I get the gift thing, and I will also add that I think there are better out there, but to each his own.
Get a large tupperware container and set the headphones in it, then fill it to the very top with dry, long grain white rice- let sit overnight. this will remove most of the moisture.
Using them while wet will only do more damage and could even cause damage to your music device.
Good luck.
TalkingBush: Why is there such a strong dislike for them, anyway? I've never used any other high quality headphones so I have nothing to compare them to, but is it just that they sound worse than others?
MyPasswordIsNotTacos: It's because ALL you're buying is the brand. You're giving Dre $200 to wear his name on your head like a billboard. They're not headphones, they're a fashion statement.
Go try on a pair of good AKGs, Shures, or etymotics. You'll see what $200 is supposed to sound like.
You did the right thing dropping them in the toilet. It's where shit belongs. So do the rice trick, get them completely dry, sell them for $100, and get some real entry level audiophile headphones. I've got a pair of AKG Q701s that sound amazing. $350, but you can find them for $200 if you look. They're K702s tuned by Quincy Jones. http://us.akg.com/akg-product-detail_us/q701blk.html
Now tell me, who do you trust to tune your headphones? Dr. Dre, who, while he knows music, knows nothing about sound, or Quincy Jones, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quincy_Jones .
[deleted]: Here's a question. I'm an earbud guy... Need a new pair soon. One that I can take a beating, sweat, rain, lots of movement, etc. Some high quality workout earbuds. You seem to know your shit so what brands should I be looking into in your opinion.
I'm currently using a pair of Bose earbuds that I got for ~$120 maybe 2 years ago and despite having most of the rubber protective casing for the wires stripped off, going through the washing machine and dryer at least 2-3 times, being banged into weights, and being soaked in rain and sweat, have been amazing and still sound much better than the $40 pair of Sonys I had last. I do feel that they may be on their last leg though lol...
MyPasswordIsNotTacos: I always used the Shures for working out, mowing the lawn, hunting, going to the drag races, and dragging around in my backpack. The only way they ever broke was the cable going out, usually from being ripped out of my ear by a tree branch (OUCH), or my roommate slamming the cord in her center console lid.
But, half of their models have detachable (read: replaceable) cables now. The SE-215 models have these, and fall right in to your price range ($100.) http://www.shure.com/americas/products/earphones-headphones/se-earphones
If you're looking to spend and get a little more, their buds go all the way up to $1000, with the next level up at $200.
I wouldn't call them waterproof, but sweat never bothered them, and they can stand a little rain, as long as they're in your ear.
Don't wash them. lol.
Lots of audiophiles like the Etymotics brand, but I can't speak to their durability other than that the wires look very thin. The sound quality is about the same from what I've read.
[deleted]: Thanks. I'll look into this!
| 7 | 1.285714 | |
1392420343 | 1392510982 | t3_1xxus9 | t5_2to41 | 28 | [deleted]: TIFU by kicking my monitor
I was leaning back in my computer chair reading an AskReddit thread, putting my feet up on my desk. All was going well until I lost my balance and in panic launched myself forward resulting in my smashing my monitor with my foot. My monitor fell onto my speakers, and they fell on the floor. My speakers are done for and my computer doesn't stay tilted how I want it.
chalkchick0: Are your foot and other body parts O.K.? :(
Snannybobo: Yeah man theyre fine.
chalkchick0: Glad to hear you are O.K. As a natural born clutz I can sympathize. Good luck on getting new speakers.
Snannybobo: Yeah man. Got take 100 out of the cookie jar :(
chalkchick0: Any ideas what speakers you will be getting? I don't know much about speakers but I'd love to discuss them. Mine are junk.
Snannybobo: Logitech are really good, I'll have to see whats in stock
chalkchick0: The Logitech UE BOOM 360° wireless speakers look interesting. They have a nice site. Good pics and nice offering of info. I can see how these would tempt. Thanks for the opportunity to learn more about speakers. Hope you get a great set. :)
| 8 | 3.5 | |
1392441476 | 1392469921 | t3_1xyn3d | t5_2to41 | 36 | Rockyroadskydiving: TIFU by sleeping in a loft.
A little back story, we have a cabin for when the family go skiing and said cabin has a nice fucking loft, its the warmest spot in the cabin so I usually sleep up there, this loft is only accessible by ladder (this is important people).
so I spent all day skiing and doing other awesome shit, when I get back to the cabin we start playing monopoly and eating some red skin peanuts (also important). A few hours later, at about 2 am, I decide I want to be up early to hit the mountain first thing in the morning so I try going to sleep, as I'm laying in the loft in my awesome fucking bed my brother won't quit harassing me, calling me a pussy because I'm going to bed at 2 in the fucking morning, So I did what every rational person in the fucking world would do, and I pull the ladder up into the loft so he can't climb up (without doubt the biggest fuckup I made).
sleepy time.
now we are around 430ish in the morning, and I wake up faster than Anne Frank after hearing the Gestapo coming up the stairs, but I don't fucking know why I'm waking up..
and then it happens, somebody opened the fucking chocolate pudding flood gates. so again, I did what any rational person would do and I hightail it towards the bathroom, except wait, in my panic and stupor I forget about the God damned ladder, causing me to fall ~10 feet and landing square on my ass (holy shit this hurt) but that was the least of my concern at this point. you see, what the problem was, now it looked like someone had set off a fucking poo nuke in the hallway. but I still had to make it to el banjo, no easy task when you are injured, covered in feces and still face a flight of stairs.
I stumble down the stairs and make it to that glorious office when I realize, that porcelain throne can't handle this disaster, the only reasonable thing to do is use the shower, and that is exactly what I fucking did, all was great until I realize those damn peanuts are still almost peanut size (which this bullshit excuse for a drain can't handle) so the tub starts to fill up with this rocky road ice cream looking shit, and I don't know what to do, I'm frantic so I grab the peanuts and flush them, problem solved.
After I get everything on my person cleaned up, I go back upstairs to asses the damage, HOLY FUCKING SHIT. I need Mike Ehrmantraut here to help me clean this up, but he's not here, leaving me to clean everything up on my own, off the walls, the floor, the ceiling and every nook and cranny in between. It took about an hour, but I got everything back to the way it was (except my pride). I scale the wall, put the ladder back and got to sleep for about 30 minutes.
I get up at six and get ready, and nobody has any fucking clue about the events that went on.
porcia918: this is so hilarious
>until I realize those damn peanuts are still almost peanut size
do you not Chew your food?
Rockyroadskydiving: Well, you just get so into monopoly sometimes that you just dont realize these things.
| 3 | 12 | |
1392451143 | 1392561496 | t3_1xywh7 | t5_2to41 | 104 | cutmytigress: TIFU by shaving my ladybits
Today I fucked up, although....this happened yesterday. I knew today was Valentine's Day and I was hoping to get lucky with the boyfriend yesterday as well as today. While I was taking a shower I decided to freshen up down there and trim my lady jungle. I normally keep her well trimmed but she had grown out a little bit. So I grab my handy dandy trimmer and start going to town weed whacking when suddenly my foot slips off the side of the tub.
Instant pain and horror as I realize I just sliced my lady lips and they're starting to bleed a little. I was about to scream but all that came out was a desperate whimper of shame and pain. I finished as soon as I could, rinsed off and checked the damage. It wasn't too bad, so I figured I'd be A okay for the sexytimes. No....no I wasn't.
The instant my guy started to head downtown to Funkytown, the scab broke and I started bleeding again. And it hurt....really bad. Needless to say I feel asleep unsatisfied, with a pantyliner in my underwear and shame hanging over me like a thick cloud.
Blackbirdrx7: This is why you need an electric trimmer. Use it with no guard, if it trims short enough then you won't even notice that there's hair.
cutmytigress: It was an electric trimmer!!! I use it with the shower not running!
Blackbirdrx7: Do you realize how fucking scared I am to bring my trimmer near my balls now?!?! This is a horror story now...
Anyways, perhaps try holding your lower lips together if you're intent on trimming between them.
Or (completely up to you) wax. My girlfriend decided to say that if I try waxing, she'll keep doing it. It was more of a fun dare because she does it anyways, but I decided to wax a ball. NEVER AGAIN.
Hope you're healing up now. Ask your man to kiss it better. ;)
DTorakhan: Ow fuck ow. Congrats, you just made my balls recede back into my body. The skin of your scrotum (read: nutsack) is the thinnest of any area... waxing those is NOT a good idea.
Blackbirdrx7: I know now. Figured it's worse than waxing a nipple (like in 40 year old virgin. What a movie!) Anyways, she laughed her ass of for a good half hour, then realized that it could have ripped the scrotum open. Not so funny anymore. But I guess that the same would happen if a labia gets caught in wax, right?
[deleted]: This. This here, ladies and gentlemen, is why I ALWAYS use an electric trimmer. Wax is for your face, as I learned the hard way.
Blackbirdrx7: Now it's all razors for me.
[deleted]: *cringe* I only trim.
| 9 | 11.555556 | |
1392454468 | 1392748037 | t3_1xyyxk | t5_2to41 | 14 | ccccccckkkkkkkkkkkk: TIFU by blowing out both my speakers after hauling them all the way to China.
I work as an audio engineer back in the states and am tutoring a boy in China on my gap year so I can travel abroad for free. I moved in with my host family in Beijing 2 days ago and I finally had the chance today to buy a power adapter. I was so excited I went right back to the apartment and plugged my speakers into the power strip and then the power strip into the wall. I turned the power strip on and watched the cones of my speakers jump out two inches with a loud POP and then go dark. I've been super pumped to have music again, do some work, and sing/dance with the kid and now I'm shit out of luck because I didn't take the time to read about the voltage difference between American and Chinese electrical outlets. Fuck me and my ignorance, fuck 250 volt wall outlets, and fuck dead speakers.
Zhoukoudian: I'm studying abroad in Europe and the first day I did the same thing.
Lucky for me it was just an alarm clock. Sorry bout your speakers bro, that sucks.
ccccccckkkkkkkkkkkk: Did the alarm clock do anything weird before it died?
Zhoukoudian: It kind of crackled and popped. Scared the shit out of me, then I realized what had happened and was just sorta pissed at myself.
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1392459516 | 1392519991 | t3_1xz27d | t5_2to41 | 2,556 | GabrieI: TIFU by using bluetooth in class
This happened yesterday. I just got a new phone - the same as a good friend, actually, because it's a really nice one.
Since I just got it we were talking about some functions and other things we liked about it. Going through the list I found the option 'multi-screen'. Having no clue what it does I'm trying to connect to another phone, maybe it counts as another monitor right?
Since it didn't worked via wifi nor bluetooth I kinda gave up. My friend then pointed out I should set my bluetooth name to something other than default.
So I did. Referring to an old inside joke I set it to 'Gabriei's motherfucking phone' and after laughing at that I thought it'd be funny to connect to some random bluetooth device - one found, "C's macbook". I pressed connect and looked at my screen to see if anything happened. I saw nothing but heared some laughinf, mainly from the two guys sitting next to me who burst out in maniacal laughter and the girl in front of me who asked: 'GabrieI, is that you?
So I looked at the beamer screen my professor projected his powerpoint on to which 240 people were listening. In the middle of the screen:
"Do you want to connect to "Gabriei's motherfucking phone?"
I had connected to the laptop of my professor and everyone knew it so my head turned into some newly discovered tomato species. No one will shut up about it.
smoike: Own it, then they're unable to use it to make you uncomfortable.
DkS_FIJI: Tyrion Lannister would agree.
That_Deaf_Guy: God damn I finished season 3 recently but during the time I started watching it, I've seen GoT references more on reddit. It's weird okay!
yellowtag: Just under two months until season 4
Daybreak_Comet: At first I [patiently waited](http://www.reactiongifs.us/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/waiting_game_of_thrones.gif), then I just [stopped counting](http://www.reactiongifs.us/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/denying_its_existence_game_of_thrones.gif)...
Llim: ^^I ^^can ^^tell ^^you ^^what ^^happens ^^if ^^you ^^want
Daybreak_Comet: [SPOILERS!!!](http://i.imgur.com/ayMlzEC.gif)
gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/NervousTidyFattaileddunnart](http://gfycat.com/NervousTidyFattaileddunnart)
---
^(GIF size: 9.84 MiB) ^| ^(GFY size:442.29 kiB) ^| [^(~ About)](http://www.reddit.com/r/gfycat/comments/1u5df2/made_a_gfy_bot_for_reddit_in_ruby_meet_ugfy_bot/)
| 9 | 284 | |
1392466292 | 1392580758 | t3_1xz6gc | t5_2to41 | 122 | theboymarlo: TIFU: Blinded by a cat, then cockblocked from a threesome by Jesus.
This happened three years ago in Leeds, UK.
I was in town for the week, normally I lived in a substantially grimmer city but work demanded I head up there to work with another office as their sales figures were low.
Now at the time, I was in one of those terrible commission only sales jobs.
You know the people who stop you on the street to try and switch your broadband? Yeah, I was one of those fuckwits.
A few people from my normal office had come with me on the trip, and the three of us got to stay in the manager's penthouse located by a charmingly peaceful canal near town.
"Wow! What a great week this is going to be!" I say to myself, chilling on the big ass balcony like the baller I'm not.
And a grand week it was, right up until day 5.
On day 5, Sprinkles (Penthouse owner's pet) gets picked up from the vet and comes back to the place for the first time since I had arrived.
A mundane happening to say the least, that would set off a chain of events ultimately leading to me almost living every man's fantasy 36 hours later.
That day, a girl from the Leeds office we were working in announced it was her birthday the following evening. She tells us that a group of her friends will be there.
Let's call her Shelly.
Now Shelly is a porker to be polite.
Don't get me wrong - I like me a woman with curves.
In fact; my middle class white boy accent has been known to instantly transform to the Afro-American stereotype of "Daayyummm" for such occasions, but I digress.
This was more the kind of chick you book an extra plane seat for...in first class.
Round as a beach ball with neck ripples stacked like pancakes with a personality like that buttwagon Toby who works in your HR department, you know the one.
Real winner.
Anyway, the three of us accept the invitation politely, not expecting much, just a few drinks on the town before the train ride back.
That night I went to bed innocently enough, and having no idea of what was about to happen the next day, I slept the slumber of clueless fools.
This is short-lived as an hour later I wake up trying to claw my eyes out with itch.
I'm sneezing in uncontrollable spasms, and nothing will stop the horrid itch.
I run to the bathroom, splash my face and go out to the freezing cold of the balcony.
Nothing can stop my fateful scratching - Zen monks would struggle with the self discipline not to in this situation.
The fresh air helps, I grab a blanket and sleep outside.
I awake the next morning, and don't even recognize the face looking back.
Now I'm a normal looking guy, but the monstrosity I now face is the work of Hades.
My eyes are darker than Chris Brown's heart. I look like hell.
Sprinkles the cat enters the room and stares at me indifferently, instantly inducing more itching.
I leave that little hellspawn and the apartment behind and head out to work with my colleagues.
You know it's bad when you say "good morning" and your friends say "fuck!"
The light is blinding outside, and with the squint of Di Caprio eating a lemon, I face the day.
It was a pretty harsh day, selling shit to people when they spend the whole time wondering what the fuck happened to you.
Fast forward to 6PM and it is time to head out to meet Shelly and her friends.
My friends say along the lines of "are you sure?" as I get ready, but I'm not fannying out of a few beers because of my face.
Also I don't wear my work suit out, so I have to borrow some of the Penthouse owners clothes; blue shirt with tan pants, I am dressed like Bill Gates.
I buy some smokes from the shop on the way. The middle eastern guy behind the counter asks about my face, I explain the allergy to Sprinkles.
Turns out he talks like Scarface "Oh Shit Mang, that's the pussiest story I ever heard - when you came in I thought you was Rocky, mang."
I just stare at him...Fuck me...That's genius.
That will be my story tonight, which me and my two accomplices tweek on the way to the club.
I think the final version by the time we arrived involved me stopping a three man rape attempt single handedly.
It was ridiculous, but with my black eyes, who the fuck was going to question it?
We meet with Shelly, who happens appears to be friends with the stars of Brazzers.
They are insanely good looking.
Normally I would shit myself at this point and struggle with eye contact (I was 21 at the time)
However, due to my face, from the first drink - something beautiful happened.
I let go.
I let go of any attempt to look good.
I let go of trying to fit in.
I let go of trying to be cool.
Every other guy in there was trying so hard to be something they were not and there I was, Mr personality winning over the entire group with stories and jokes with no effort at all.
Social psychologists would have a field day with how well I was doing.
I am normally a lot more reserved, not quiet, not loud, but tonight I am Tony Stark on steroids.
I capture the attention of two perfect 10's in the group. They love me.
I can't believe it, I don't struggle with women but I never do this good!
The witty banter continues for another half an hour before we leave at my lead and head through the town to find another club.
The night's revellers can't believe what they're seeing.
A half beaten nerd with a pornstar quality girl in either arm...yes, at one point I questioned whether they were prostitutes, even this made them laugh. I can not lose, right?
The jock types who made my school days hell now stare slack jawed as I send out the biggest "and fuck you too" grin I can.
We get to the next club, and this is where it all goes wrong.
The girls and I get passed the bouncer fine...he even pats me on the back with a "Yes, my son."
Since when are bouncers this friendly? Normally they just stare me down like I stole their Lego as a child, but I digress.
Shelly's turn, and she is having her ID checked when she throws up all over the bouncers.
The crowd waiting jumps back.
"come on" the blondes say, pulling my arm and leading me into the club.
"what about Shelly?" I ask. Seems they don't care about their friend and fully intend to leave her.
I look back and people are laughing at her.
"If you stay with us, we'll let you...***Arousingly explicit***"
I clear my throat.
Everything is in slow motion. My internal conflict begins.
The Devil in me tells me to go forth and defile, never in my life will I have this opportunity again.
The Catholic in me tells me I can't leave the big girl, and to do the right thing. Fuck that though right?
Then something tragic happens.
She starts to cry...surrounded by vomit and people laughing...on her birthday.
Sunday school didn't raise me to leave someone like this, I have to intervene.
But those two girls are so amazingly hot.
I draw a deep breath and say the hardest "have a nice night" I have ever had to say to the Blondes, put my arm around Shelly, and lead her away.
I buy her a bottle of water, find a taxi, and cheered her up to the point that she was laughing.
I stay with her until the taxi pulls up to her house to make sure she gets home okay, before heading back to the penthouse on my lonesome.
The next day, I see Shelly at the office and ask if she is feeling any better.
"Who are you, again?" She asks, everyone laughs but me.
Turns out she was a real bitch.
And that's how I was blinded by a cat and cockblocked from a threesome by Jesus.
If I don't get through the pearly gates for that, I have bad news for the rest of you.
**EDIT** [Proof added] (http://imgur.com/KGKr0g3) No pictures that I know of from the night in question though.
CPT_Poonslayer: Did you happen to meet Albert Einstein by any chance? Heard He's known to hand out 100 dollar bills.
theboymarlo: If you are questioning authenticity, I do have photo proof of the deformity. Nothing from the night out though, they took the photos and I never saw them again.
[deleted]: I mostly believe your story, but can I see pictures anyways?
theboymarlo: Sure, added to the bottom of the story
SirNuggington: Your face was way more swollen than I imagined
| 6 | 20.333333 | |
1392463468 | 1392535120 | t3_1xz4pc | t5_2to41 | 107 | Sir_Poopslahad: TIFU by binging on cookies and milk before my midterm. I failed to reach the porcelain throne.
This happened a couple years back, but a fuck up regardless.
Senior year of high school.
Friday is cookie day at my school. It always gave Friday that extra bit of special. The lunch ladies made the best chocolate chip cookies I have ever tasted. Usually, I just got one with some milk, but not today. Today I wanted more. I got greedy. I ordered five cookies and four milks. I finished my last bite of chocolaty goodness as the bell rang for class.
I sat down to take my midterm with a head full of knowledge and a belly full of comfort, or so I thought. 150 questions, no problem.
Twenty minutes into the test, my stomach starts rumbling.
*Nothing to worry about*
Five minutes go by, the tremors start increasing.
*You’re okay, just breathe*
Five more minutes and it feels like someone is slowly choking the life from my insides. At this point I decide I better head to the restroom. The problem is my teacher is the type who doesn’t allow you to leave during a test for any reason, especially a midterm.
“I need to use the restroom, I don’t feel well.”
“Turn in your test,” he says.
“Please, it’s an emergency.”
“Turn in your test first, you know the rule.”
*Asshole*
At this point I’m starting to divert all brain function to stemming the coming tide, so I return to my seat. Another five minutes go by, and I’m starting to sweat. All the blood is leaving my face, and I begin to feel like I’m going to vomit. Frantically, I just start marking answers, hoping that the odds are ever in my favor.
*A. C. D. C. C. A. B. B. C. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A…….fuck it*
I get up, throw my test in front of the teacher, and head out of the class.
The nearest bathroom is nine classrooms down.
*Hang on pooper, we’re almost there*
Stomach is murdering me; reactors are overloaded.
*Just a couple more feet until we round the corner, it’s going to be alright.*
As I round the corner, my heart sinks. The entire restroom is being torn out by construction workers.
*Nooo, dammit!!! Noooooo!!!....Think pooper, think. Where is the closest bathroom….the GYM!*
The quad is a ghost town. Thank the fates I didn’t have to get stopped by anyone. Each step feels like a mile. The tremors come in full force this time. I have to stop walking to try and fend off the onslaught.
*HOLD THE LINE!!!*
My sphincter starts to weaken.
*HOOOOOOOLD!!!!!!!!!!!*
I clench my butt cheeks together with the intensity of a thousand suns. With cheeks clamped, I awkwardly continue my quest to the gym. The door is in sight. Twenty feet, ten feet, five, I grasp the handle.
*Made it.*
I pull on the door, but no response. Locked?
*What the fuuuck!? Noooo Nooooo!!! …..side door, gogogogo!!!!*
Locked as well.
*FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*
I bend over as the next wave hits. The only other bathrooms are on the other side of the campus; by the track or by the cafeteria. I quickly decide on the cafeteria, as this is where it all started. I might as well be marching to Mordor.
*DAMMIT!!!!! We’ve made it this far, we can do this!*
I head around another corner only to bump into my friend and his girlfriend.
*Why are they even out here? Dammit!*
“Hey pooper,” he says, “how’s it going?”
“I need to go, don’t feel well.”
“Okaaay weirdo,” he says laughingly. They walk away.
Only a little further and I am there, but it’s too late. Reactors are at critical meltdown. Warning nuclear launch detected. I brace myself for the storm.
*NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*
My sphincter crumbles under the atomic blast. My butt is the only defense from having my pants filled with a sea of shit. I fall to my knees and tense every muscle I have. The pain is unbearable. The dam breaks. The volcano ruptures. Chernobyl two. Shit floods my pants.
*NOOOOOOOO!!!! WHYYYYYYYYY?!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW COULD THIS
HAPPEN?!!!!!*
I sit in a pool of shit and despair. I don’t know what to do. Then it happens. I hear a large group of students coming around the corner.
*Oh god no! Shit SHIT!!! FUCK!!!!*
There is a flower bed nearby. I run as the shit spreads down my leg. I jump into the bushes just in time. I watch from the shadows, taking shallow breaths, silent as a ninja. I go unnoticed as they pass by. When all is quiet, I set out again. I remove my sweatshirt and tie it around my waist to bide a little more time from the shit soaking through. I eventually make it to the bathroom without further incident. Then the fun begins.
Have you ever tried to clean yourself up with one ply toilet paper? Fucking mess everywhere; I hope you never have to. I use a good roll and a half, but the smell lies heavy in the air. Just then, a group of guys walks in, I’m assuming to have a smoke.
“What the fuck man!?” one of them says, “what did you eat?!”
I sit in silence, in shame. Whatever pride I once had about myself had been lost.
“Fuck. Let’s get out of here,” he says.
*Well so far no one has found out I shit my pants. I can just head to my car and…*
Fuck me.
My car keys are back in the classroom, along with all of my stuff.
*How in the actual fuck am I going to get past everyone?!*
I devise a plan that must be executed perfectly to work. I line my drawers with toilet paper to try and soak up the moisture. I pull up my pants, and tie my sweater around my waist. It’s go time.
Classes will be letting out any minute now. I speed walk back to class; any minute now. I hear a large group of girls coming around the corner. I sprint for the nearest dumpster to mask the smell. I pull out my phone to act like I’m talking to someone, and they pass by without question or complaint.
The bell rings.
The halls are littered with students. I wait a few minutes and then sprint inside grabbing my belongings. Thankfully no one is there except the teacher. I wanted to punch him in the face. I ran back to the dumpster. Waited for the crowds to die down, and then hopped the fence to the softball field. From there I made my way to the parking lot, and finally to my car.
I had made it. The master of shit and shame.
Turns out I am lactose intolerant.
**tl;dr: Binged on cookies and milk before midterm. Torrents of shit poured from my bowels before I could reach the porcelain throne.**
**Edit:** Some spelling and grammar. I'm sure there is a lot more, but I'm tired and will check tomorrow.
AndeAlmighty: I beginning to think that instead of a counter, we should just have a picture that says 0...
spacepuppy69: I'm sorry if this is a stupid question. :( But is there an actual counter?
AndeAlmighty: It's just a running joke
spacepuppy69: Ohhh. :/ I didn't know. now I feel stupid.
| 5 | 21.4 | |
1392488091 | 1392518011 | t3_1xzv99 | t5_2to41 | 26 | kkrbcc: TIFU by changing the batteries in a fire alarm
At work we are supposed to keep the fire alarm batteries up to date. I walked in and heard the high pitch beep it makes when the batteries are dead. I grab some batteries and a chair. It was my first time performing this duty as well so I didn't know how to open the fire alarm. I go to step off, not realizing how tall the back of the chair is, and the corner of the chair hits my Perineum and somehow slid into my vaginal opening. I fall backwards. My head hits the door, arm gets hung in a fake tree and the chair is on top of me now. I'm in the fetal position on the floor grabbing my private area when my male co-worker runs in and asks what the loud noise was and if I was okay. *That added to the embarrassment.* He helped me up and into the bathroom. I checked everything out and found that I was bleeding. I can't walk normally, sit normally or have sex. Went to the doctor, she said everything should be fine but it is going to be at **least** two months before I can have sex again.
tl;dr: Trying to do my job a chair edge ripped the inside of my vagina up and now I can't have sex.
[deleted]: What were you wearing, a dress or pants?
kkrbcc: I was wearing some cloth shorts.
[deleted]: Slightly better than a dress I guess. Still... Ouch.
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1392482639 | 1392513289 | t3_1xznbu | t5_2to41 | 131 | Sensiitivity: TIFU by getting a pedicure
Every year for Valentine's Day, I treat my sorry, single ass to a pedicure. Nothing too in-depth, typically a foot touch-up and leg rub.
So this morning I arrive at one of our area's nail salons, book an appointment for 9:30, and take a seat. The worker is working through the typical set-up routine for a pedicure: warm up the water, throw a towel or two in the oven, grab the kit of oils, etc.
For the first half of the pedicure, things go pretty well. The masseuse's actually doing a really good job with my feet and is just finishing up oiling my legs.
This is where things get hairy.
She gets up and grabs a warm towel, and I assume she's gonna give my leg the rub down with it and make it feel all tingly and what have you. Instead, she decides to tarp it over my legs, and preps her hands.
Rub down? Hah, more like slap the front of the knee. She, unknowingly, hits my nerve, and I reflex/knee-jerk my foot into her nose. Quicker than the knee-jerk even occurred, blood is covering her face and the floor, and I'm freaking out over the situation. An ambulance arrives to pick her up to bring her to the hospital, and I guiltingly pay the counter-worker, leaving behind an extra $60 for her tip. Happy Valentine's Day, me.
TL;DR: I score a field goal with a woman's nose.
[deleted]: I was wondering where this was going for a second...
delightfulcrab: > This is where things get hairy.
I totally thought it was going somewhere wax-related for a second.
| 3 | 43.666667 | |
1392436183 | 1392506994 | t3_1xygd2 | t5_2to41 | 2 | benwubbleyou: TIFU by trying to stretch the truth
Alright, this needs some context. So I am not really a valentines person. I don't see the point in buying flowers on that day or doing something extra special. That's just me.
Moving onto second context. My first fuck up is when this morning I texted my girlfriend hello. She replies and we exchange mornings and how are you's. She says happy valentines, I say it back. Then she goes on to how I should have said it first, and "that I better have brought her flowers", This I reply to "I'll get right on that with all that money I have", because I am not really the richest of fellows.
This argument goes on for a little bit, but she leaves to go have coffee with a friend so I don't hear from her for a bit. I go to lunch at my school and the friend she(We will call her Amanda) went to coffee with hands me chocolate from my girlfriend. I am confused and I tell her she is mad at me for not buying her flowers because I am poor and had other plans with her(We were going to go to the aquarium and then go to this awesome restaurant downtown), Amanda doesn't say much, or at least I didn't hear it well. This is important.
I also told my roommate who we will call James. He agreed with me in saying that she overreacted and that it isn't a really big deal. This is also important.
Later that day, I go over to my girlfriends so we can argue more, because that's what we do. She won't hear anything from me so I tell her that I told Amanda that she was mad at me for not buying her flowers and Amanda thinks that is stupid. I said that Amanda said it because my girlfriend doesn't really like my roommate that much, he is kind of unreliable and doesn't always get things done, but my girlfriend trusts Amanda, so I needed something to get her to understand that she was overreacting and that we could hopefully fix this mess.
Long story short, we did figure it out. Yay. We go to dinner together and watch the sun go down along the coast. It was nice. I peed in a bottle while driving home for the first time, it was a good memory. We head back over to her place so that we can talk about stuff and just be with each other. In the meantime, my girlfriend has apparently been texting Amanda and asking why she thought it was stupid. Amanda didn't understand and followed suit, which is starting to unravel what I said. This leads to spiral and I try to defend myself but it's no use.
I'm single now.
tl;dr I'm single now.
Oblivious_Indian_Guy: You fucked up.
benwubbleyou: Yep, but this was not just my fault, through just talking with other people it's evident that this whole thing is not my doing. It was a build up of emotions that exploded.
Oblivious_Indian_Guy: Shit happens, just make sure to not help along some volcanic diarrhea
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1392510145 | 1392521779 | t3_1y0szh | t5_2to41 | 64 | GeoSzef: TIFU because I thought I was jeering the rival team.
Short & sweet
Guest(adult) checks out of hotel with child.
Child has all his hockey gear in duffle bags and hauling equipment.
Guest is leaving rather early compared to the other team members.
So I ask; "You're leaving early, getting a head-start on the competition?"
Guest says; "Yeah, we're gunna bury his sister today."
I can only assume at this point he was referring to a sibling of the child that is on a different team, or something.
So, in keeping with the small talk, I then exclamatory said;
"**Yeah! Into the ground!**"
tl:dr Guest was leaving early to attend a funeral, I made fun of a little dead girl :(
[deleted]: Well, shit. How did they react? I would have been absolutely mortified in your shoes.
GeoSzef: The guest then replied with a somber face. "No, really, we're burying his sister today."
I apologized very sympathetically, while trying to balance some heavy empathy and a pinch of professionalism.
That lasted about 10 seconds until the utter silence took hold.
I pretended to finalize his check-out on the computer(`eyes down/no expression`)...
He just stood there, while waiting for the little boy to get ready and grab everything he needed to take with him.
After almost crying :,( I commented on how windy it was outside.
..figure it was more appropriate then inquiring about "The Mets".
[deleted]: Ouch, doesn't really get more awkward than that... Knowing me, I probably would've walked away without saying anything.
GeoSzef: I was behind the front desk of a hotel during peak check-out time, paid to assist any/all guests.
Not really allowed to just walk away from that, [although I really wanted to](http://i1.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/009/067/squiggle_face.JPG)...
I only thought things like that happened in the movies.
[deleted]: Oh god, I'm so sorry for what has happened to you.
| 6 | 10.666667 | |
1392507776 | 1392625377 | t3_1y0pk4 | t5_2to41 | 51 | csjo: TIFU by helping out
Today a man came onto my plane, I'm a flight attendant. He was missing an arm and was struggling to get his heavy bag into the overhead. I told myself over and over, "Don't ask, 'Do you need a hand?' Do NOT ask, Do you need a hand?'" I walked up and out of my mouth comes, "Can I offer you a... hand?" God dammit, brain! How could you betray me like that? We were so close!
The passenger was really cool about it and replied, "You know what they say? Three hands are better than one!"
I offered him every single amenity on the aircraft to compensate for my inability to not say the worst possible thing but he was very chill and refused.
Still feeling like an ass.
Edit: Thank you all for the reassurances!
tmotom: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=7k9vqO1it34#t=23
toastedpilot: wha... i dont think i've ever been this confused in my entire life.
why.
| 3 | 17 | |
1392512811 | 1392522713 | t3_1y0wtw | t5_2to41 | 38 | [deleted]: TIFU by standing on a bed of nails in class.
This was in Physics class, which is two periods. Two days ago, we had a computer lab experiment in the first period, and the second period was basically free time. With almost an hour left without any lecture or classwork, I got really bored pretty quickly.
My teacher had a bed of nails laying around the classroom, which was used to explained the concept of pressure. Stupidly I decided to stand on the nails without shoes. (I had socks on though.) I had both feet on the nails and was standing without a problem, but as I got off, I saw that my left foot was stuck at the edge of the nail bed. At first, I thought it was just the fabric of my sock that was stuck to the nails, but as I tried to remove it, I realized it wasn't just my sock.
My left big toe was punctured by one of the nails at the edge. And it was pretty deep. I could not comprehend that I was punctured until one of my friends cut open my sock to see the damage. The nail went through my big toe, but surprisingly there was no blood nor pain. I sat there with my toe punctured, while my teacher called 911, and felt extremely embarrassed for being so clumsy.
I spent the ambulance ride with the nail bed stuck to my toe, and the next 3-4 hours waiting in the hospital to get it removed. As I sat there, everyone that walked by stared at my toe attached to the nail board with confused faces. I have never been this embarrassed in my life.
TL;DR: I punctured my toe with a nail by being clumsy and stupid.
[deleted]: I'm pretty surprised that you didn't feel it go in, but I've had things like that happen without feeling anything. Sucks.
DrThunderface: That's what she said.
| 3 | 12.666667 | |
1392515308 | 1392525548 | t3_1y107s | t5_2to41 | 170 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking a picture of my asshole.
So I almost always have my phone with me right? Who doesn't? We'll I was just done taking a very painful shit and figured I had a pretty nasty hemorrhoid. I wanted to check it out because I've had some really bad one in the past. I couldn't figure out any way to see it except for a mirror which I didn't have or take a pic with my phone and then look at that. Well...... I was half standing/squatting over they toilet holding my phone under my b-hole and trying to get a good pic when my wife decides to "check in" on me for some fucking reason. I'm sure you can imagine her surprise and confusion when she saw what I was doing. She just closed the door and walked off. Whenever I try to e plain she just yells "I don't want to hear about it" and plugs her ears. Anyway I'm sure it's going to be a big and embarrassing fight.
Fuck1_Marry1_Kill1: Dude, if you guys can't laugh over this, it wasn't meant to be
spacepuppy69: Legit.
| 3 | 56.666667 | |
1392515206 | 1392578266 | t3_1y102e | t5_2to41 | 8 | IregretEatingBeans: TIFU by eating some beans at my friend's house...
...they caused me to do way more than fart. Right after i took a shower, i felt an urge to take a shit... Very soon i had to disinfect the bathroom and shower again.
the1221: Again?
jumbobombo: Don't you shower before eating beans?
the1221: Sometimes but I don't disinfect the bathroom.
| 4 | 2 | |
1392526315 | 1392696834 | t3_1y1eqk | t5_2to41 | 39 | fuckingmail: TIFU by getting the mail
I've been suffering from a stomach bug the last few days and as such I haven't left the house.
To get my mail I have to walk two blocks down to the corner where it's all in this large metal mailbox with different lock boxes.
I was finally feeling better and since I hadn't checked it in a few days - my 'chore' - I put on my boots and went out to check it.
Nice day, sun shining, just starting to warm up so the snow and ice is melting. I dodge ice patches here and there, step over puddles and about halfway to the mail feel a rumble start in my stomach. No big deal I brushed it off thinking I could wait.
By time I got to my mailbox my stomach was gurgling an emergency warning. I grabbed the mail, locked the box up again and hurried home.
I'm nearly home when my feet hit something and I'm up in the air.
I forgot about the ice.
The mail goes flying, I go sprawling and land hard, belly flopping the ground right outside my nextdoor neighbor's home.
Trains make less noise than my ass did at that moment as my attempts at holding it in failed, almost flooding my poor sweatpants with a foul half-liquid mixture that will never fully wash out I don't think.
So much for being over my stomach bug.
I lay there in stunned mortification for what felt like hours until I heard my neighbor step outside and yell to ask if I was okay.
I scrambled to my feet, yelled back I was fine, grabbed my mail and waddled the rest of the way home, each step squishing horribly and making me gag.
I tossed the boots next to my front door, stripped the moment I got inside and sprinted for the shower before anyone else could return home for the day.
I'm currently nursing two scraped knees, a busted palm and a battered ego as my mother found the shit soaked boots in her rosebushes and told my father and brother.
My stomach still hurts too.
I don't think I'll be leaving my room anytime soon.
proteus616: Why do we keep a pants shitting counter, It's inevitably thing to happen, is never going to stop happening, but it still remains done if the best and funniest stuff here
DeliciousPumpkinPie: No kidding. We should have a counter for when people DON'T shit themselves.
proteus616: Yeah, lol
| 4 | 9.75 | |
1392527586 | 1393099805 | t3_1y1g9o | t5_2to41 | 5 | analinabox: TIFU by giving my GF a ring box with a request for anal in it.
I thought I'd be funny by giving her a ring box with a small card in it that said "Anal?" and getting down on one knee to present it after dinner.
It didn't end well. I'm down one expensive dinner, a two year relationship and a lot of dignity because she posted it all over facebook.
FML.
Gergery: What do you mean you lost a 2 year relationship - she broke up with you afterwards?
[deleted]: Pretty sure that's obvious.
[deleted]: She might have been one of those few women with a sense of humour...
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1392534410 | 1392595063 | t3_1y1niw | t5_2to41 | 689 | tifuprostatestyle: TIFU by attempting a prostate orgasm. VERY NSFW.
Throwaway for obvious reasons. This just happened.
I've been on a bit of a dry streak lately and felt like mixing up my masturbation routine. I haven't fapped in three days. I've read about prostate massages / prostate orgasms a little bit on the internet and decided to give it a try. I searched reddit for some more information and read through a few threads which all indicated that I would be in for the orgasm of a lifetime.
First, I gave it a shot with my finger, but I couldn't find the right spot. It was extremely uncomfortable. I was determined though. I looked around my room for something else to use and found a lint roller. Slid a condom on that bad bitch and went to town.
After a few minutes of watching porn and trying to find the right angle, I hit the magic spot. It was EXTREMELY pleasurable and I started leaking precum out of my dick like a faucet. I was so close to cumming but I lost it.
I stayed at it for a few more minutes, and started to feel like I was going to pee. **Now, mind you I had read in one of the threads that this was normal, and I wasn't going to pee.** This was all part of the build up.
I got closer and closer. I could feel it travelling the length of my dick. So close. ***SO CLOSE***...
Then I started pissing everywhere. I tried to cut it off but I could barely manage. I emptied my bladder all over myself and my bed.
I think I'll try again tomorrow.
TLDR; Tried to milk my prostate, got some bad reddit advice, pissed all over myself and my bed.
porcia918: Was that the big end of the lint roller, or the little one?
tifuprostatestyle: It was the handle
porcia918: ok, whew
Bboboo: Seriously, who would want lint up their bum?
porcia918: he'd have a magnum on the lint side
tifuprostatestyle: A monster condom for my magnum lint roller.
porcia918: Just don't fall in love with it.
| 8 | 86.125 | |
1392539889 | 1392623140 | t3_1y1s6l | t5_2to41 | 1,885 | Negativeskill: TIFU by telling a guy to get out of my girlfriend's face
My girlfriend and I were at the winter festival (Winterlude) in Ottawa tonight looking at the ice sculptures, when we decided to go for some beavertails. As we were looking at the menu, some guy got up in my girlfriend's face staring at her and I told him to stop staring at her.
[EDIT] When I mean staring, I meant two-inches away from her face, but she was right out of my vision and the coat was similar. Probably shouldn't have made a post at 4am
...Only to find out that the girl beside me was not my girlfriend, and was someone he knew. I muttered a half-assed apology and waddled over to my girlfriend, we were both very embarassed. I haven't felt this much self-cringe since highschool.
goofballl: > I haven't felt this much self-cringe since highschool.
There's probably a German word for that.
3vere1: Scheiße
Hotseflots: Isn't it Scheisse these days?
username40: Both are [correct](http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/Schei%C3%9Fe). See alternate forms.
EDIT: Link
EDIT2: I stand corrected. Thanks to /u/nothisispatrickeu
nothisispatrickeu: nope.
username40: see edit
nothisispatrickeu: still not true. i explained above.
username40: So there is no alternate spelling of that in any of the dialects in german or any of the surrounding countries? Just depending on the vowel sound as you said?
nothisispatrickeu: the scandinavians have a different "ö" that looks like this "Ø"
same sound though.
and the swedes also have another vowel "'å" which sounds kinda like "aww"
nothing else really.
username40: I learned something today! Thank you for correcting me kind stranger :)
nothisispatrickeu: no problemo my friend.
| 12 | 157.083333 | |
1392549243 | 1392613570 | t3_1y1yke | t5_2to41 | 102 | windowsaregood: TIFU by going to a baptism
Okay, so first of all this is a throwaway. Now that that's settled let's move on. So my family and I were invited to a baptism of some baby I don't really know. My sister and I were dreading the day because it was about 4 hours in church (which is a lot for us).
So, while were in church, I have this feeling that my phone isn't on silent. I shrug it off thinking no one would call me because I told everyone I was at a baptism. So I leave it be. So a few hours roll by and I'm getting really bored. As the baby gets ready to get dunked in the water, ass naked, it starts crying the loudest I have heard any baby cry before.
Me thinking I'm at home because I am half asleep, lean over to my sister and scream "I guess she's not a FAN...NY". At that point I have half of the church looking at me. I try to brush it off but as soon as everyone looks at me, my phone goes off.
Just for reference, my phone doesn't have a normal ringtone. Oh no, that would be too lucky. Whenever my phone goes off its plays the "nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga!" song. So here I am, in the middle of church, this really religious Greek church, every eye on me with my pocket screaming Nigga Nigga Nigga.
On the bright side we got out early.
TL;DR: fucked up a baptism with nigga music and got to leave early
Edit: i should note i didnt scream so loud that my tonsils fell out, it was just above average. Like that one friend that wants to talk over you by one notch
FolkDude: I love how you ended with "got to" as opposed to "had to"
windowsaregood: Haha
| 3 | 34 | |
1392562909 | 1392614760 | t3_1y29d7 | t5_2to41 | 30 | [deleted]: TIFU by going on a date
Sorry for the wall of text and any grammatical errors, I'm doing this from my phone.
Backstory: Well. I've been seeing this girl for the past 4 months, and we've really hit it off. We're not "dating", but I've pretty much spent every night for the past 4 months over at her place. I like her and I'm pretty sure she likes me but she's not that good at admitting feelings and so I haven't heard her say it. But after 4 months I finally decided to say "fuck it" and ask her out. We'd gone out before casually, like to the movies and shit, but she hated calling them dates so I guess it didn't count? Whatever.
So the date. I actually dressed up! I put on khakis, a nice shirt, did my hair and put on my best cologne. We met up and took the train downtown and walked a few blocks to the sushi place we had reservations for. We have a nice time but she keeps pulling out her phone to talk to her best guy friend from back home (one who drunkenly punched her in the face and have her a black eye, I might add) but I don't let it bother me, I felt like I was on top of the world. It was a fairly pricey dinner for my "broke college student" budget but again, I didn't care. I was on top of the world. We finished around 8:30 and had plans to meet up with her friends at 9:30-10. So we have time to kill and go grab coffee and sit and talk for an hour before meeting up with them. We go to her one friend's place and casually drink there with some people for an hour and a half or so before going out to the bars. Three things to note: 1. I'm a lightweight. No shame. 2. I'm not 21 either, but have a decent fake. 3. I wasn't really feeling too well, maybe from the sushi or whatever, but I powered through. Anyways, there's a group of 10 of us and we're all split up into several "groups" based on walking speeds. I'm in the first one with my ladyfriend and this really nice (and really gay) guy. We get into the bar and I absolutely hate it. It's packed to shit and it's just a bunch of horny people dancing with each other. We put our coats down on some chair and the three of us start dancing with each other. I started to get in a better mood, the music was pretty good and the alcohol was glowing through me like piss through a racehorse. I quickly run off to the bathroom and come back and see some of our other friends that finally made it in. And then I see her.
Dancing with another guy.
Again, we're not dating but I like her And I thought she liked me, so it hurt to see that, especially after we went out. On an actual date.
So one of her friends pulls me aside and practically yells in my ear (because the music was so loud) "What are you doing? Go get her back!" And so I did. I started dancing with her and after the song was over she looked at me and said "Stop. You're being overprotective. I'm just dancing to get free drinks! I'll still go home with you and won't make out with anyone else."
I was pissed, again, but I just decided to say "Fuck it" again, or maybe the alcohol said it, I'm not sure. Our gay friend then comes up to me and shows me a text from one of the ones in our group that says she didn't get in and her fake ID got taken and was gonna go back home. I thought to myself "perfect, this is a great excuse to leave this shithole of a bar and get her away from everyone!" So I grabbed our coats and went back to the dance floor to find her and didn't see her. I walk around and she's at the bar with another guy, pounding back a beer. I pull her aside and give her her coat and told her what happened to her friend. She said "I'm not done having fun but I'll meet you at her place in a few minutes!"
I was drunk and extremely annoyed at this point. I'm not a confrontational person, but I was getting extremely close to it at this point. Her friends grabbed me and we all left, leaving her behind. Her friends consoled me and told me it was gonna be okay, but I just wanted to drink. We get back to the friend's apartment and meet up with everyone else. I go to the bathroom and when I get out I hear everyone talking about us. "Where's (let's call my date "Margaret") Margaret? Why does ohaiimchris look so upset?" I just walk through them and nurse a drink in the corner. 1:45 rolls around and I'm just sitting in a chair with my eyes closed trying to calm down when it hear that everyone's leaving. "ohaiimchris come with us! We're gonna go dance and have a good time at another bar!" Again, the motto of the night came in to play, "fuck it" I said, put my drink down and left with them. "It's time to stop being a depressed little bitch!" I said to myself. So what, Margaret hadn't texted me at all. I was hammered and looking for a good time. We all pile into a cab and go to this bar and then I find out there's a $5 cover charge. Nope. Noooooooooooope. The pissy little bitch comes out and I just decide to end it for the night and go home. I wasn't down to spend any more money after I had already spent $80. I drunkenly just walk off and stumble away, trying to find the train and a bathroom because the need to piss was greater than it's ever been before. I get on the train and find out that I'm on the wrong line, but still headed in the right direction. I hop off at a transfer point and I'm waiting for another train when my phone starts ringing. I look and it's Margaret. I answer it, annoyed, and find out that she's hammered. And the bar closed, and she was wondering where I was. I told her that I was about to catch the train home and I'd talk to her tomorrow, when she tells me she lost her wallet (debit card, train card, and keys to her apartment).
God.
Dammit.
"Sure, she treated me like shit tonight but I can't leave her" I said to myself. I leave the train station, hop in a cab and go to her bar. I yell out the window, a guy she's with points me out to her, and she stumbles over and gets in.
I'm beyond pissed at this point and even though she's hammered, I think she knows.
"Do you hate me? Are you mad at me?" "No, I don't hate you, but I'm upset with you."
"I'm still coming home with you though, what else is wrong?"
So I told her. I told her that tonight was my special night with her, how I took her out to dinner, and then she ditches me at the bar to dance with other guys and I told her how it really hurt. I'm sure we gave the cab driver a good chuckle. She apologizes and then passes out on me shoulder. We get to her place, I pay the cab fare and tip him 30% because yolo and we somehow make it back to her place. I again tell her what was bothering me as we're laying in bed and I don't remember what happened after that, but I'm sure we both passed out.
Fast forward a few hours to right meow. I've spent the last 45 minutes typing this and she's still passed out. I plan on having a talk with her when she wakes up and yeah. I'll update you guys on what happens.
1. I know. I shouldn't have left her at the bar, and this might've been avoided, but fuck it. She told me I was being overprotective and I was pissed.
2. This makes me sound like I'm whipped I guess but I don't care.
3. Yeah, we weren't dating but it still really hurt to see the girl I just spent $80 on on a date dancing with other people.
TL;DR: TIFU by taking a girl I've been sleeping with for 4 months out on a date only to have her dance with other guys at the bar leaving me with a mixture of annoyance, anger, pain, and any other emotion one might feel in this situation.
Update: Sorry for the wait. We talked it out this morning and she apologized. She said she'll make it up to me somehow and kept asking if I was still mad at her. I told her I was and it would just take time for me to cool off. I don't know what I'm going to do honestly. I know she's an emotional wreck on the inside and I feel like if I just completely dumped her it wouldn't be pretty, but who says these things are? I'll do a better job communicating with her and try and get her to communicate better with me.
TrooperDawga: paragraphs are your friend.
related to your story. you aren't even 21. you have a shit ton of time to find a good girl. if this wasn't meant to be then it is because you were meant to be happy with someone else.
ohaiimchris: Yeah, yeah. I'll go back and edit it when I get home and on my computer. But you're right, I do have plenty of time. Thanks man.
abbot001: let us know what happened
ohaiimchris: updated, sorry for the wait
| 5 | 6 | |
1392563088 | 1392675851 | t3_1y29k3 | t5_2to41 | 213 | Lazyspy: TIFU by fucking this "massage therapist" raw.
I have never fucked raw before. I always have had a condom. Most of the time with "massage therapist" it's just a hand job and that's it. This time after the hand job she wanted me to fuck her. And there was no condom.
In my head I was freaking out at first but once I stuck it in it felt like heaven. It sucked me it. Before I knew it I was ready to come. I felt the tingle but didn't pull out. Before I knew it I was done.
So as of right now I am worried I have a an std and/or a kid on the way. FML
FolkDude: Its harder to get preggo than most people think. I'd worry about the std first.
sffunfun: Famous last words.
Lazyspy: Shut.
YourNotMyDad: shit*?
Wiiplay123: Yes I am.
| 6 | 35.5 | |
1392582774 | 1393099108 | t3_1y31zr | t5_2to41 | 361 | shlem: Tifu by saying chicken 'knickers'
Today at a bookstore I was looking through a book of contemporary art. In it there was a picture of a lady wearing chicken as underwear, naturally I find this hilarious and show it to my friend. Mind you, this was in a busy bookstore. So I call my friend over and point to the picture, laughing, and I say "its called chicken knickers!" Unfortunately knickers came out as "niggers"
Everyone turns to me with a look of disbelieve and disgust. I quickly left after that.
This was in a crowded place
The cringe is real.
Tl;Dr said chicken niggers
TheExtremistModerate: You should have looked at everyone glancing at you and said "I said **knickers**, get your minds out of the gutter."
shlem: I kind of just awkwardly said it again louder as if that would clarify. I don't think it helped
[deleted]: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aIqgfN9NFCk
| 4 | 90.25 | |
1392593318 | 1392682332 | t3_1y3j13 | t5_2to41 | 8 | FIST_IN_YOUR_UTERUS: TIFU by comparing hijab to dishtowels in front of a muslim coworker
So I work in a massive clothing store, and for an hour after closing time all the staff from all 3 floors usually comes to help in the lingerie department. So I start talking to a couple of girls from the floor above, and we get on to the topic of religion, particularly Islam, and I was surprised to learn that a lot of muslim women buy their headscarves from the store. This surprised me because having never really known much about Islam, I thought that the scarves had to be somewhat holy/blessed in some way, or just made from a certain material (ignorant I know). So in response to this everyone is saying "No it's just cotton, like just a typical scarf" while laughing at my ignorance. At this point, I - in my infinite wisdom - decide to respond with "So by that logic they could wear a dishtowel and it could be fine".
Gasps.
Quickly backtracking I say "So it can't be just anything can it-"
"Right, seriously I'm starting to get offended." At this point I realised that an ethnic-looking girl's been quietly seething at the edge of the conversation the whole time.
I apologised twice but my god, I'm lying in bed unable to sleep because I'm cringing so hard.
moochie94: I cringed so much when I read this.
FIST_IN_YOUR_UTERUS: I know right? And the worst part is I just keep thinking if I'd worded it better she wouldn't have been offended.
Then again it's always better just to keep my mouth shut.
[deleted]: No! How can it possibly your fault as a non believer, and you are not a part of their culture! They are in god damn AMERICA.
If we don't entirely understand them, they can either politely inform us of our misunderstanding, and we will thank them and then understand; OR they can just CONFORM to the country they moved to or move the fuck out.
FIST_IN_YOUR_UTERUS: Well this is in Scotland, but I get what you mean about simply clarifying the misunderstanding
[deleted]: word.
| 6 | 1.333333 | |
1392592679 | 1392614510 | t3_1y3i20 | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by missing a deadline.
I waited too long and now I can't apply to UW Madison. I got into two other schools so it's not all bad but I can't help but think that I may have messed up my future.
[deleted]: Oh, don't worry about it, you haven't messed up your future. The deadlines come around *every semester*. You can apply right now for the next semester. There's no rule that says you have to enter school at a specific time or you can never go again.
recently_resurrected: Definitely not a big deal....will not ruin his future whatsoever. It is kind of sad that he thinks it will though.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1392605259 | 1392661627 | t3_1y41q0 | t5_2to41 | 1,614 | gawright87: TIFU by deciding to have a quick wank after ordering pizza.
So I'm laying on the couch, pretty hungover, 2 pm, and drinking a ton of coffee playing around on my laptop and realize that I'm absolutely starving. I felt like crap though so didn't want to leave my house, and decided that ordering a pizza would be a pretty good way to solve my problem. So I do. They tell me it'll take about an hour.
About 30 minutes later I suddenly get really horny and figure fuck it, I'll hole up in my room and find some great porn and pull one off before pizza guy gets here. Yeahhhhhh, turns out my wank sesh lasted a bit longer than anticipated, and I get a call saying that the pizza guy was here, so I throw on some pants and go grab the pizza.
Firstly let me mention as a side note that watching porn while eating pizza isn't really the most satisfying combination. Somehow it makes the pizza seem a little, I don't know..... dirty? lol anyway, basically I'm sitting in my computer chair next to my bed, which has the opened box of pizza on it, a slice of pizza in hand, watching porn. Shortly after finishing the slice, I advance to the crescendo of my jerking frenzy, and jizz.
Here's the thing. I usually don't shoot very far, but I must've not jerked for a few days and not realized how much was stored in my mansack, but NO FUCKING SHIT, the first spurt shot like 3 fucking feet, right in the direction of the pizza box.
So here I am, post jerk clarity settling in, looking around frantically on the floor and bed trying to locate where the stray dick-spittle ended up. It's nowhere to be seen. I eyeball the shit out of the pizza, but to no avail. I'd seen it though. I definitely saw a spurt of it fly right towards the pizza. It was on there. I guess it kind of soaked into the hot greasy mess somewhere and was no longer visible. I WAS STILL HUNGRY DAMNIT.
No way in hell I'm gonna waste a whole pizza though :D
[deleted]: "No way in hell I'm gonna waste a whole pizza though :D"
atta boy
robotortoise: /r/frugaljerk would be proud.
Saicotic: That works on so many levels
[deleted]: I count two.
Saicotic: 2 can be a lot
[deleted]: Actually, there are "many levels" as to why you're wrong; [2 can't, linguistically, be a lot](http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/a+lot).
Also, you didn't write" it works on a lot of levels". You said, "so many levels".
Plus, I was being facetious.
Edit: to further explain why "two levels" can't be "a lot", I'm putting this explanation here to preempt re-writing it.
>Two LEVELS are never "a lot of levels". Why? Because in order for there to BE levels, there must ALWAYS be at least TWO levels. In other words, TWO is the absolute minimum for there to even BE levels. As such, two can never be a "a lot" of levelS because it is the minimum and "a lot" means many (and a minimum is never, subjectively or objectively, going to meet the definition). An onion with two layers does not have "a lot of layers", EVER. A dude with two dicks has a couple dicks, which is a lot of dicks for a dude.
h2ooooooo: "a lot" is all relative.
1,000 nuclear bombs are "a lot of nuclear bombs".
1,000 grains of sand are *not* "a lot of grains of sand".
Hence anything where 2 is very unusual should be able to be labeled as "a lot".
That said, "so many" would be very odd being just 2 of anything.
ghost_victim: corns of sand..?
[deleted]: I believe he's Danish. Probably a literal translation.
h2ooooooo: You are very right. I meant "grains of sand"!
[deleted]: It's an interesting mistranslation. The Danish word can be used for both grains of sand and corn kernels?
h2ooooooo: Well "corn" in Danish is "majs" (the sort you eat), while "grains" in Danish is "korn" (grains, grit, etc.), so it was simply me being dumb when posting. :) That said, we also have a word being "gryn" (much like "grains"), but it isn't used for stuff like sand, but rather stuff you can eat such as "havregryn" being "oatmeal".
| 13 | 124.153846 | |
1392623696 | 1392671545 | t3_1y4pz6 | t5_2to41 | 123 | Kanaro: TIFU by rejecting the girl I love
After months of insecure dating and me telling her she can take her time, she finally got the guts to tell me she wanted to try a relationship with me. And I stammered "It's okay, take your time" again.
After I finally found out that she took it as a rejection, I apologized and tried to convince her I really want to be in a relationship with her, and each of us insisted on having fucked up. She then stood up, kissed me. The morning after I acted like we weren't a couple, because I was so SURE I already fucked up.
But from her point of view, we were in a relationship.
I fucked up again. And now she says she feels too vulnerable and thinks a relationship with me would be a bad idea. She wants to cease contact. I feel stupid and guilty. I had her in my grasp and I didn't know. She put aside all her fears of possibly just using me, listened to her friends and her heart... And I freaking rejected her multiple times. Usually I am able reach through her fears... But not this time, it seems.
This is not r/relationships, I'm not asking for help.
Edit: No PUA/RedPill stuff either. I've considered a lot of that stuff, changed to a more honest and better man already. I still prefer fucking up sometimes over following more of their "advice".
ChiangRai: Know you're not asking advice. But I'd man up, grab her gently and firmly. Pull her close. Tell her she's mine and give her an amazing kiss. If she's lame after that, she's fired. ABAM. Always be alpha male.
nightkhaos: **Grabs girl, pulls her close**
"You're ChiangRai's."
**Goes in for the kiss, receives slap**
ChiangRai: Smiles and says, now I know where I stand. Take care cutie. Moves on.
| 4 | 30.75 | |
1392625932 | 1392688534 | t3_1y4s04 | t5_2to41 | 27 | [deleted]: TIFU by shitting on a mans doorstep
This story actually happend a few years back but I am just now finding out about the awesomness that is Reddit so I figured I would share the most imbarrasing moment of my carrer with you all. Hope you enjoy.
A brief backstory, I never drank before joining the military, did all sorts of drugs though but never drank. By joining the military I gave up drugs and had nothing to fill my time with other than sex games and masturbation....not in that order sadly.
Anyways to the story, I joined the military and finished basic training and AIT. I get my orders to my first duty station and fuck me its Germany. Here I am, literlly just turned 20 and its my first day in a foreign country where drinking sex and more drinking is the norm. At the bus station I pick up a Donar kabab, its basically the german version of a hamburger but better...and it normally ends up with shitting uncontrlably for me....I get to my unit and they tell me I have to be initiated into the section imediatly....its 8pmish... FML is all I have to say to that. The night starts off easy with a little game called pacman where me and the other new dude are basically shrimping along the floor to little red cups filled with god knows what...for about 100 meters. I am wasted by the 5th cup I get to and there was probably 15 cups apeice to get to. After our little game is done we go out into the local town pub and 120 shots of patron silver are ordered for the two of us....simple math for you people, 60 shots of patron....the goal was to finish in an hour....yeah fuck me sideways with a sand paper condom please. I get the first 3 shots down and my throat goes numb, Im thinking this will be easy. I get to shot 17 around 12 mins or so when I blackout....fast foward 35ish mins and I come to and the next thing I remember is 3 shots left with just over 4 mins left and everyone is sitting there chanting my name and the other dude passed out in the floor, he got like 21 shots down and passed out but this irish/scottish BAMF here was almost done even though I dont remember it. I get hyped up and down the last three shots back to back. Key point to remember here, the donar kabab has yet to surface and I have yet to throw up amazingly. Now that stage 2 of the initiation is done I had to move onto stage 3....FUCK....all I could think about was god why me, fuck you fuck you and fuck you god. So we leave the pub, and the dude passed out in the floor...looking back at that it was by far the worst thing we could have done...but fuck him for sucking at life right?...The last thing on the list for me to accomplish was to streak naked through post and make it back to the barracks room where I can sleep peicefully...the post I was at wasnt that big, caviot to that though....its my first day i dont know where shit is, so Im running throught this post butt ass naked dick flopping around tripping everywhere and then it hits me...the ungodly amount of alchol that I consumed no longer thought I was worthy of its presence and is about to force its way out of me and not in the normal fashion...my ass is on fire and I cant hold it any longer to make it to this mysterious barracks...so i find the closest buildng and start beating on the door franticlly. The man that answers the door is no other than the new Post commander in his underwear and a badass ironman robe...we make eye contact and HE KNOWS ME....I had meet the dude on the bus ride to post bc I was forced to sit next to his kids and help him with his baggage, he gave me a handshake and thanked me for helping...I got so scared bc this was a pretty tall and buff black dude staring at this super pale naked white dude. The disgusting and hateful look on his face sent me into a complete muscle failure moment....the shit just started oozing down my leg slowly and then I assume I realized that it was to late to give a damn so I loosened my butthole even moreand out came the niagra falls of shit all on this mans doorstep...
Needless to say I was a private for a very very long time...but I was treated like the king amoungst privates in my unit. And I found out I am a helluva drinking buddy.
matt09z: You would have died if you drank 1/2 of what you said did. At 18 beers your heart would be to depressed to function from all the alcohol.
[deleted]: while I agree that the story is fabricated, 18 beers would not do anything close to fucking with your heart. I've put down a 30 rack by myself a few times.
| 3 | 9 | |
1392644897 | 1392692696 | t3_1y58lo | t5_2to41 | 22 | shelleebee: TIFU by accidentally following my ex's new girlfriend on Pinterest
It really was a happenstance, as I merely was repinning from a friend's board then saw who she repinned them from, and liked the girl's boards & started following her. However, her name sounded really familiar... Then it hit me. Sure enough, the next day I took a look at her Pinterest to make sure, and it's her. No use unfollowing, that'll make me look even more like a stalker. Either way, she got an e-mail that I was following her, & I have a very distinct name & I know that she knows it. FUCK
HiFiDuino: Why is this such a bad thing? I guess I don't understand what the consequences are for you now because you followed her on pinterest.
shelleebee: It's just awkward. I have never even met this girl, just heard a bit about her, but I know that he reacted badly when we broke up and spread a lot of rumors about me, and got his whole family & friends to hate me. Well, the ones that would listen to him at least. This was all a bit much for me, because we broke up because he attacked me and sent me to the hospital. So, not only was I dealing with the physical, mental, & emotional repercussions of that, but now I had the perp going around trying to turn people against me. I understood why he did this, he was afraid of being alone & of people judging him for what he did to me, but to sit there & make up these terrible fabrications about me was incredibly insensitive & just... Terrible. As far as I know, he is still going around & saying that I'm crazy & obsessed (who would be obsessed with someone that has attacked them?), & the fact that I am now following his girlfriend on Pinterest is just not convenient in disproving that. :/
DeliciousPumpkinPie: Hey, Pinterest is neutral ground. It's not like facebook or whatever, it's just a place where you can post pics of cool stuff. If you happen to like what she's pinning, so be it. It's only awkward if you make it awkward.
shelleebee: Lol I needed that. Thank you! As much as I doubt that she thinks it's just a happenstance this came about, that's all it is, so whatever. I will not think about it being awkward anymore ^___^
DeliciousPumpkinPie: Glad to help. :)
Also, a bit of advice: should it ever be required that you explain why you followed her, do not, and I mean DO NOT be flustered or seem desperate to explain yourself. Just be like "I saw she pinned some things I liked, so I checked out her board." Don't justify anything. The "yeah, whatever" attitude is your friend here.
Of course, remember the old adage about taking advice from strangers on the internet.
shelleebee: The internet is never wrong! Hehe. I'm a defensive person naturally due to my hatred towards people having misconceptions about me, & I know firsthand that attitude does make things worse. But, I'm a mom now, & what she thinks of me should really be the last thing on my mind... I've been not caring about things a lot more lately that usually I would get anxious over, & I'm thinking this should be added to that list. Thank youuuu! Again :3
| 7 | 3.142857 | |
1392665362 | 1392743373 | t3_1y634w | t5_2to41 | 1,832 | Adolf_Hitler__: TIFU by getting shit in my mouth.
My baby was being quite a little fucker this morning. After changing it's diaper and putting its little shirt and pants I went into the living room and played Gorilla with it. In Gorilla I pick him up, roar, and put him down. But there was one problem. The I forgot to put his diaper back on this time, and he fucking took a diarriah shit all over my face. This shit literally got everywhere. It filled a bit of my mouth and went in my nose. I fucking vomited everywhere, and I spend 2 hours cleaning it up while my little sweethart was laughing his ass off.
Beefydude77: Well, at least it was your babies poop. I own a portable restroom company and I've had many mishaps through the years. The worst involved a clogged discharge valve in my vacuum truck and the whole thing emptying out on my arms, chest, legs and a little in my mouth. True story by the way.
Deidara77: Why do you own a portable restroom company? Was it a childhood dream?
jutct: People that deal with shit get paid pretty well. A family friend started a sanitation business and is doing really well with it.
Deidara77: So are you saying he did it solely because it pays well?
technophonix1: You think hookers do their jobs for the sex? :P
Anticept: We should ask your mom. I can't remember the last time i had to pay for her services!
EDIT: Chill reddit, just some lighthearted humor from the 1980's :D
technophonix1: Corpses find it difficult to claim what they're owed from Johns. =P *(also I upvoted you. Don't know why you're getting downvoted. I got a good laugh lol).*
edit: grammar
Anticept: It's seen as an immature joke likely. Throwing out such a joke is playing reddit-roulette!
technophonix1: Pssht? *That* was immature? **This** is immature:
What do Pizza Delivery boys and Gynecologists have in common?
*They both get to smell it but don't get to taste it*
2edgy420me: I'm a pizza delivery driver and I don't get it. Why do pizza drivers smell pussy? Or is it a yeast joke? I'm so confused.
Trainwreck92: The pizza. You get to smell the pizza.
2edgy420me: Does vag smell like pizza? Am I missing a joke or something? I just keep feeling a slight gust of whoosh over my head. Feel free to ignore my ignorance if you want. I'm obviously just missing something here.
Trainwreck92: Gynecologists get to smell pussy, but don't get to taste it. Pizza delivery guys get to smell pizza, but not taste it. The joke just shows draws a parallel between the two jobs. That being said, some vaginas may indeed smell like pizza.
technophonix1: I was appreciative for your explanation.... right up until the last line. Ew.
| 15 | 122.133333 | |
1392668150 | 1392805763 | t3_1y689h | t5_2to41 | 24 | 23553: TIFU by letting the cat out of the bag
A few years ago, my cat started having problems with his eye. After a few months those got fixed, but he still has to go in for a check up once or twice a year, mostly to refill his prescriptions. This is unfortunate because the regular vet makes house calls, so otherwise the cat would never have to leave the house. Besides his mostly resolved eye issues, he also has some on and off stomach issues, so it isn't unusual to puke on the way there. Normally, we're almost there, so we just rush him in and clean out the carrier. But today, when he vomited, I felt particularly sorry for him, and there seemed to be a particularly large amount of puke, so I let him out to sit on my lap. I manage to get him out without removing too much puke from the carrier, so my lap remains relatively clean. After about a minute, I notice my lap starting to feel warm. I assume the cat has just gotten comfortable, and is producing heat. But then, it also starts feeling a bit wet. So I pick the cat up, and urine starts spraying all over the car. We still aren't there, and I don't want cat piss all over the car, so I put the cat down, and take it like a man. When we finally get to the ophthalmologist, I have a carrier and a cat with vomit all over them, and urine all over myself. I drudged inside and checked the cat in, then shoved some paper towels down my pants and gave up.
vgalosky: Maybe it's time to put the poor fella down.
Cancani: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
| 3 | 8 | |
1392672582 | 1392680191 | t3_1y6ghu | t5_2to41 | 260 | [deleted]: TIFU by deciding to not lock the bathroom door
So I was re-watching Breaking Bad, when I noticed that I was starting to get a little bit aroused. I figure that I'll pause it and rush to the bathroom to rub one out. I grab my IPOD, close the bathroom door, and start getting to it. I found myself getting too engrossed, so engrossed in fact that I didn't hear my mother opening the bathroom door.
She gasps, and that's when I notice that she's there. We both make eye contact for a good minute, and then she looks down to see that in one hand I am firmly grasping my depressingly unit, while the other is holding on to a screen showing Lexi Belle fucking a guy right in the ass.
I realize what's happening, so like any other logical human being that just got caught stroking their snake, I scream "MOM, I'M POOPING!" The thing is, I'm standing over the toilet.
I wasn't pooping.
alpineliam: > TIFU by deciding to not lock the bathroom door
So it was a conscious decision? Not a lapse in concentration or something, you actually chose to leave the door open.
IntoTheRabbitHole: Sorry, I was getting horny while typing this so I blew through it so I could blow another load. Yes, I did close the door, I just didn't lock it.
[deleted]: But, were you aware or unaware the door was unlocked? Was it a *don't worry it'll be fine, no one will come in* moment or did it just slip your mind.
IntoTheRabbitHole: I thought no one would come in.
alpineliam: I don't suppose I need to say it's always worth assuming they might.
mulqahdiiv: I'm sure he will remember that next time.
| 7 | 37.142857 | |
1392673320 | 1393344287 | t3_1y6huy | t5_2to41 | -8 | NeslolseN: TIFU by almost killing my girlfriend's dog
So this dog had been puking pretty badly for about two weeks, when her mother entered her room, to tell her what lay in the garden covered in puke. It was OUR condom, which we had forgotten to toss out afterwards. Still kinda scared of going down there!
[deleted]: Well shit. I wish you had killed it. I don't understand, (and never will), the reason people think its ok to live with animals....
[deleted]: hey, What the fuck did you just fucking say you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo
jaxx347: Guerrilla maybe?
| 4 | -2 | |
1392681487 | 1392692421 | t3_1y6w75 | t5_2to41 | 75 | ohmygodthrow: TIFU by watching too much porn
Two coworkers (a black guy and a white girl) and I were joking around in the meeting room after a conference call.
They were being kinda flirty.
I had to go do some actual work.
The guy said "What, you're leaving us?".
I wanted to say "Yeah I gotta go. But remember, inter-office relationships are not allowed."
Instead I said "interracial relationships are not allowed."
They both actually looked really hurt and confused.
We have three more days in Topeka before we fly back together to New York. TIFU. TIFU real bad.
FrozenTaco5: Wait, what does watching too much porn have to do with this?
sandman369: Guessing he probably watches, or at least sees the words, interracial porn a lot.
| 3 | 25 | |
1392685532 | 1392720925 | t3_1y73bk | t5_2to41 | 16 | clone12TM: TIFU by being too clingy, again
I fucking hate myself.
So for the second time (first time is a doozy, would rather not unless needed) I find a girl that I thoroughly like and we hit it off. We both can't get enough of each other. We've been texting each other for over a week and I can't get her off my mind. I completely ignored my first class this morning over how I fucked up.
We met online and we were near each other and I really wanted to meet her, but both times we were going on a date she had to cancel. First time was because of snow, second time was.. not so much. I let my emotions guide my logic and I sent her a relationship request on Facebook - to which I cringed very soon after. She seemed ok with it and said she'd rather hang out first. So I offered to hang during the week, and apparently she's working which is fine. I was also sharing my Netflix with her, and she broke off and bought her own, which is also fine. During the weekend she had to work, so I thought, 'ok, she's just working. She doesn't feel like texting me.' Now she's just stopped texting me. She was the one to greet me in the mornings. Now I'm doing it and I don't get a response.
So, here I am, a year and a half since I found a truly nice, fun, and all-over great girl, and I royally fuck it up because I dive in head first before testing the water.
That_Deaf_Guy: You should totally show up at her doorstep dressed in a tux with flowers and apologise and say you want to to take it slow. Seriously though just ring her and tell her you're sorry you came off so strong.
clone12TM: I think I want to do this (more subtlety), but I should probably wait a few days. She gave me the "I'm working this whole week," thing, so I don't want to suffocate her. Eventually I'll get to that, though.
That_Deaf_Guy: We're past subtle OP, propose to her and I swear she'll say yes. This could turn out to be a very adorable story!
| 4 | 4 | |
1392686773 | 1392713939 | t3_1y75ei | t5_2to41 | 6 | TEHGOURDGOAT: TIFU by going on reddit. Thanks a lot, Reddit.
TIFU, So I was on Reddit, and I was reading a thread while listening to heavy dubstep (never a good idea). I saw this link and press on it as my brother walks into the room. It takes me to /r/gonewild and my brother saw my screen. I quickly tell him that an ad popped up and he says 'NO! I saw you. You were pressing buttons and clicking stuff." I tried to tell him what happened, but he didn't listen. I don't even know what to say....
Reddit, Today I Fucked UP.
_Hamburger_: How old is your brother? If he's older than 14, this isn't a fuck up.
Chandelurist: Major win; You helped a man see the buttholes of random women on the internet.
| 3 | 2 | |
1392699338 | 1392768886 | t3_1y7qi9 | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: TIFU by being a shitty friend
I used to date this girl. Let's call her W. Things didn't work out, but we still wanted to be friends. We go to the same college and we both work on campus so we bump into each other a lot. I haven't had an actual friend in 10 years, so I'm not really any good at being conversational. I'm good at being funny and teasing people, though, but that's because I used to be kind of a bully to people.
Things have been awkward between us, but were starting to get back to normal again. W saw me sitting at a table and sat down with me. She tried to tell me about her day, saying that she was so sore from doing yoga when I went into "funny guy mode" and started heckling her about how that wasn't real exercise and how she should try work out in an actual gym. I thought we were having fun, but she was getting legitimately upset. She got up and left, and I thought she was doing it for comedic effect like she was faking it, but 30 seconds went by and she never came back.
Then I realized how I had fucked up. I sent W a text saying that I didn't mean to make her feel bad, that I like to tease people and give them crap, that I go too far sometimes and that I'm sorry. She sent me a text back saying that she didn't have any patience that day and didn't need to be criticized by someone who has no idea what they're talking about.
I sent her another text telling her that that was completely fair, that I understand that I was being antagonistic and that I'll be more considerate in the future.
I don't know how to make this right. I like her and care for her, but I think I'm kind of an asshole. I'm trying to improve myself, but I don't always know what's wrong with me. Any advice?
AlcoholicJesus: > I'm good at being funny and teasing people
>heckling her
>getting legitimately upset.
>got up and left
>haven't had an actual friend in 10 years
Maybe you need to reevaluate "funny guy mode"
But really the last thing a Yogi wants to hear ("funny-guy mode" or not) is some playground chauvinistic BS about how yoga isn't an exercise from a guy who has never actually tried it. As a guy who might have talked the same way, and tried yoga. You are wrong.
My legitimate advice is try to learn how to communicate with people, or potential romantic interests, through something besides teasing, because most people stop doing that around age 10!
[deleted]: I completely agree. I just wish that I knew how to talk without being an asshole.
AlcoholicJesus: Yeah maybe you just need to try being nice or gentle. Next time you try having a conversation, when you feel like teasing or saying something antagonistic, just say anything else instead, a compliment, a comment about something completely different, just ask a neutral question. It might be extremely forced at first but clearly what you are doing is not working as you have had no good friends for 10 years.
[deleted]: I'll do that. Thanks for the advice.
| 5 | 4.8 | |
1392701443 | 1392767995 | t3_1y7tpi | t5_2to41 | 13 | quirkiestquark: TIFU by ordering take out
so I am in the middle of a huge project and under a lot of stress. I was absolutely starving, my fridge was empty, and I figured- fuck it I'll be unhealthy/lazy and order some greasy and delicious chinese take out. So I order online as quickly as possible and try to focus on work and not how hungry I am until the food arrives. I should add that I very rarely order delivery so this whole experience is not very familiar
When the food arrives the delivery guy is yelling at me for some reason (I think he thought I was outside the delivery zone for the restaurant? but then why did they let me place the order?) and then I see where I really fucked up- In my rush to get my food I forgot to check to make sure the tip was a good amount (usually its done automatically? I don't know) and the tip is only 10%. the delivery guy sees this and flips out, demands a cash tip, and drops my food on the ground when I say I don't have any cash and takes off. So I feel terrible about small tipping this guy (it is pretty cold outside, part of why I wanted delivery) but guiltily chow down on this food. It doesn't taste very good but I am starving so w/e
aaaaand now a few hours later I am throwing up, I suspect the chinese food as the culprit. Karma? idk. I actually do feel a little less guilty, but next time I am just going to suck it up and go to the store. I'm just regretting a lot of my decisions from today right now.
edit: also my apartment is tiny and has very thin walls.... And I discovered tonight my roommate is a sympathy puker :( so I also fucked up her night :( SO MUCH BETRAYAL
skatterbug: When did 10% become a low tip for a delivery? I worked in pizza delivery and if I, or any of the other drivers, got 10% from anyone, let alone a college student, we would have been pleased.
Most people rounded up to the next dollar and then added $1.
KristyConfused: Just because you always got screwed doesn't mean that it was right. 15% is standard.
skatterbug: I don't see myself as getting screwed. That was pretty normal and accepted for anyone delivering pizza.
15% was standard for in house (restaurant) service, but delivery is a different market and doesn't follow the same rules. It seems pretty standard to tip ~$2 for a delivery until the price gets up over $20, when the number jumps to ~$3.
Aside from that, a driver who throws a fit because you didn't tip him as much as he thought he deserved is an ass. That's poor manners and reflects poorly on the business.
KristyConfused: I see where you're coming from. And you're absolutely right about that behavior over a tip that's perceived as too low. Still, pizza delivery drivers DO get screwed, pretty majorly, just like any tipped workers. Moreso than non-tipped minimum wage earners.
skatterbug: I agree that they get screwed in the sense that they don't earn the same tips, but from my little bit of searching, it seems like tipping 15% for a delivery is on the higher end. The rationale being that delivering 1 pizza or 5 is the same effort for the driver and the tip reflects that. Where as waiting on 5 people vs 1 (or a multi course meal) in a restaurant takes more effort and should be compensated accordingly.
| 6 | 2.166667 | |
1392702023 | 1392767018 | t3_1y7ujv | t5_2to41 | 78 | milkymoocowmoo: TIFU by trying to thwart car thieves
As usual this was actually last week, but wasn't resolved til today. A work colleague recently had his car stolen when some thieves broke into his house and found the keys. 'Well I'm not having any of that' I thought to myself, and being a bit handy with machines I decided to wire a killswitch into my beloved car. For those unaware this is a hidden switch you install somewhere that allows you to disable something important (ignition, fuel) so that your car can't be started even with the key. I decided to wire one up to the fuel system.
Worked great! I showed my housemate how it stopped the car from starting properly, and how flicking it while the car was running would quickly cause it to stall. Then I showed my brother, and an online community. My brother asked me if this would do any damage to my car, I said no. Well I was right, it won't do any harm...not directly at least.
Two days after the install I was feeling pretty pleased with myself, then I heard a rattle coming from underneath the car. Probably a worn mount on the exhaust, nothing to worry about, I'll jack her up when I go home! The car is 14yo, I don't expect her to be flawless after all. But the rattle got worse, and quite quickly. Then I noticed a thin white smoke coming out of the exhaust whenever I gave her even half the beans. Uh oh. Not the head gasket, nonononononooooo *pleeeeeease not the head gasket*.
I aborted my plans for the afternoon and drove home fearing the worst. A check of the fluids showed no oil in the coolant and no coolant in the oil, *phew*. I looked & listened underneath while she was running and figured that the sound was coming from the catalytic converter. But...I had that checked out barely 6mths ago, why would it break so suddenly? Then I remembered the killswitch and the way I tested it. **FUCK**. I walked around the back and smelled the exhaust. Unburnt petrol. **DOUBLE FUCK** I booked her in to get a replacement fitted. :(
Every time I tested/showed off the killswitch the ECU thought 'hey, the engine isn't getting enough fuel! Ima go ahead and increase the fuel:air ratio'. It did this to the point that all the unburnt fuel cooked, shattered and partially melted the ceramics inside the catalytic converter. Thankfully the honeycomb structure at the exit end had only *just* failed and was able to prevent any large chunks from entering the mufflers - plenty of ceramic dust was able to pass through though, which was the 'smoke' that I saw.
She's all fixed up now, but my $15 killswitch has ended up costing me $*4*15. :[
**TL;DR- DIY theft protection, ECU 'helps', inside of cat resembles a Greek wedding**
dsmaxwell: A better idea would be to wire in a switch between the ignition switch and starter relay, such that without this new switch closed, the starter won't engage.
milkymoocowmoo: My car is a Peugeot so the electrics under the dash are complex and I don't dare mess with them. Also, putting a switch on the starter doesn't stop people from roll starting it.
dsmaxwell: I'm going to make a couple assumptions here. First being that you're from somewhere in Europe, given that you drive a Puegeot, and since most cars are manual over there my suggestion is not really relevant because it can just be push started.
HOWEVER, if Puegeot electronics are as complicated as you say, you shouldn't worry about it anyway, because the thief would have to hot wire it to run in the first place, which sounds like it would be difficult from your description.
milkymoocowmoo: Australia, and yeah I drive a MANual :)
They wouldn't need to hotwire it if they get the keys, which is how the majority of stolen cars are taken. Car theft is nearly always a crime of opportunity, so if they can't take it *quickly* they're unlikely to bother.
dsmaxwell: My apologies, I am completely clueless as to car brands common in Australia.
Given the choice, I much prefer manual as well, however, here in the US, most cars are automatic and I pretty much exclusively drive hand me downs, so....
I'm trying to think of a good secret kill switch. How about you just don't lose the key?
milkymoocowmoo: Well I don't just leave the things lying around, but I do keep a spare at home that someone could potentially steal while I'm out at work (I take the train), if they found it.
Bottom line, $15 was a good investment to prevent $10k of loss. The replacement of the cat has made it less economical, but my mechanic says it wasn't *entirely* due to what I did, and the new part is also a nice upgrade over the old one. I spared the technical mumbo jumbo from the TIFU though.
dsmaxwell: Fair enough, good sir.
| 8 | 9.75 | |
1392707698 | 1392852979 | t3_1y81jf | t5_2to41 | 3 | jakinlives: A Muck Mountain that Lasted all Day
kvural: You need to take that shit to the European Fecal Standards and Measurements Board.
taserbeam: From what I estimate it sounds at least 2-2.5 Curics in size
| 3 | 1 | |
1392727588 | 1392916707 | t3_1y8k0a | t5_2to41 | 1,917 | DidijustDidthat: TIFU by cutting myself on cheese.
Cheese on toast, under the grill. A few hours later I went to clean the drips of cheese off of the grill pan. Used a sponge and got most of them off, but not all. The drips had formed crusty flat scabs of cheese on the pan and as with any scab the natural thing to do was to scratch it off.
Cheese is sharp ?! cheese cut me under my finger nail !!!!! What is this BS?!?
I must heal from my cheese injury. I will have the last laugh cheese... you just wait.
hoopycat: I bet you used sharp cheddar and then forgot about it, you moron. This is why we can't have anything nice.
PancakeLord: /r/dadjokes material.
draykow: This is a thing?!
PancakeLord: Click the link.
Money_Pockets: Great username.
OMGitsAzza: Terrible comment.
Money_Pockets: Terrible username.
OMGitsAzza: Yeah that's true. I retract my statement.
Money_Pockets: Whats it mean?
OMGitsAzza: I'm genuinely not sure how it came to be, but it's from my name.
Money_Pockets: I like it now. I take back everything previously stated.
OMGitsAzza: Aw, thanks. You're kind.
| 13 | 147.461538 | |
1392748383 | 1392748876 | t3_1y9g8y | t5_2to41 | 11 | RandomPullOutGuy: TI(myFriend)FU shredding cheese
Wasn't today, was from a while back but whatever. storytime.
A few years ago me and my buddy decided after work to chill out and drink. He enjoyed smoking weed so whatever, he smokes and drinks, i drink. We split the alcohol almost evenly, I had 7 beers and 4 shots, he had 5 beers and 3 shots and smoked on top of that. We decide that we are hungry but everything is closed so we decide to make quesadillas.
He pulls out a pile of tortillas and a block of cheese. He looks at it and says "don't worry, I got this." I decide to sit back and watch, this is gonna be entertaining. I find a last beer in the fridge and crack that while watching him shred cheese. I'm about halfway through my beer and see that the block of cheese is getting really small. I start to say "hey Jose..." and he jumps up and sticks his finger in his mouth. We find him some bandaids and get his finger wrapped up. He decides again that as the host he is going to make the Quesadillas. I see him make the first one and he misses the piece of finger in the cheese. He gives me the first quesadilla. He starts to make his and grabs the finger and bloody cheese and tosses it on his. We each have a few quesadillas and decide to crash for the night for work the next day, i on the couch and him upstairs in his bed.
Now, just so that we can reset the counter, I was driving on the way home after being at his place the night before and try to let a beer phart go, nope, shit my britches.
Edit: Tried to timer the counter
Chris-P: So you saw him eat a piece of his finger and you didn't even attempt to warn him? Is that what I'm to take from this story?
RandomPullOutGuy: Yeah, Basically i'm a shitty friend at times.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1392754484 | 1392777527 | t3_1y9s0k | t5_2to41 | 115 | [deleted]: TIFU by falling down a flight of stairs at my university and breaking my nose in front of 200+ people.
I was walking out of my class today which ran a little late. The school administration was having a luncheon with a lot of important people. I guess that something important must be happening, as they were all wearing suits and ties and dresses. I start heading down the stairs to the exit and I trip on my shoelace. I start falling down the stairs face first. I hear and feel this huge crack in my face and I get my blood all over me. Everyone at the luncheon is just looking at me from their tables, and not one apparently gives a damn about me. I try to not get a ton of blood on the floor, so I swallow my tears, put my hand under my nose, and scurry out. I feel so fucking humiliated right now.
porcia918: I cant believe no one got up to help you
pitchwhite: Second that. I like to think OP just got back on their feet lightning quick and ran out before anyone could react
| 3 | 38.333333 | |
1392755945 | 1392761725 | t3_1y9ur6 | t5_2to41 | 29 | KestrelLowing: TIFU by not finishing an 'incomplete' course for grad school. This means I can't graduate.
TIFU. I was having some really difficult mental issues last spring and couldn't finish the final project of a class, despite having straight As otherwise. This project, however, was a huge portion of the grade and without it I'd get a C which is failing in grad school.
So I got an incomplete that could be rectified by finishing the project.
But I never did. It was too much. I couldn't handle it. I started getting panic attacks every time I tried to do the project. And I didn't ask for help. And I didn't talk to the prof. And I told everyone I was working on it. And then I told everyone I was done: my mom, my fiance, my advisor (not the same prof), even the freaking counselor at school.
And now I've officially failed. And now I can't graduate. And I can't tell anyone because I've lied to everyone in my life that this was going to work out.
Without this degree I can't start my job I have lined up for May.
I fucked up bad. And I have no clue what to do.
moochie94: Is there anyway you could re-take the course?
KestrelLowing: Not until 2015.
sherbetandguzzling: No way to independent study it? I was able to get a number of credits through a proposed course of study and a professor that was willing to meet with me once a week. This was a Ph.D. level course in a soft science, though.
| 4 | 7.25 | |
1392757017 | 1392783132 | t3_1y9wqf | t5_2to41 | 96 | little_foot_89: TIFU by not using the bathroom before i left work.
I drank a lot of coffee and water this morning while at work and did not use the bathroom once during my shift. I am getting ready to leave work and had the slightest urge to use the bathroom, but being excited i was getting out earlier than expected i ignored that urge.....this is where i fuck up big time. As i am on my way home i pass a self service car wash, where you can also vacuum out your car. I decided i was going to clean out my car because i hadn't done so in a while. I get out of my car and start throwing away bottles and papers, when i get the urge to pee again, now mind you there is no bathroom nearby. I decided to yet again ignore the urge and continue to clean my car out. All of a sudden i am walking to the drivers side of my car with my hands full of papers when i start peeing out of no where, i tried to stop but couldn't. It was one of those glorious 2 minute pees, after fully pissing my pants i immediately start freaking out. I decide my only option is to remove my pants, panties, and shoes....but didn't know how because i was in broad daylight on a busy road. Being short and small i decide to use my door to shield my body the best as i could and pull my pants/panties down right below my ass. I then sat down in my car and took everything off. I threw my coat over my lap and drove home. I pull into my driveway and call my boyfriend and made him bring me pants and shoes so i could safely leave my car and get into my house. Needless to say i learned my lesson to pee when i have the slightest urge to.
edit: spelling
rwfforever: You just peed out of nowhere? Or was it starting to get to an emergency level of having to go?
little_foot_89: it was like past the emergency level of having to go, my muscles started to relax themselves and next thing i know i am full on peeing my pants.
rwfforever: Ohh ok that makes more sense. You should've just squatted behind the door before that happened! Or even quickly done it as gou started to let go.
little_foot_89: i thought about that, but there were a lot pf people at this car wash place and not to mention a busy road behind me....knowing my luck a police officer would drive past as i was doing the deed.
rwfforever: Lol well it does sound like it was a relief at least. Just going for forever?
little_foot_89: it was the most rewarding pee of my life, even if it i was in my pants.
dufourgood: This last comment is one of my most favourite I have ever read in my life. Awesome!
| 8 | 12 | |
1392762873 | 1392950333 | t3_1ya84g | t5_2to41 | 20 | D3NT1STFROMH3LL: TIFU by saying fag at a LGBTQ meeting
At school there are a bunch of random clubs that meet at lunch, earlier on the announcements the LGBTQ assembly said they would have puppy chow at their meeting. Instead of just roaming the halls all lunch period my friend and I decided to go for the puppy chow.
Prior to the initial start of their presentation it was just my friend and I until some of the people just rallied up a few random people to join us. Munching on puppy chow and browsing 4chan (I consider myself native to 4chan but I still enjoy reddit) I came across a pretty funny story. Reading it out loud to my friend I didn't think anyone was really listening because people were having side conversation and setting up the presentation. Then I dropped it. I dropped the word fag in the context from the story. I paused to process where I was and what I just said so I looked up to see if anyone noticed while continuing to read the story.
I had every single persons attention in that room and turned instantly red. Every eye in that room was drawn to me and I felt shame like I've never felt before.
I sat through the whole presentation with my friend and grabbed a handful of puppy chow the moment it was over and noped the fuck out of there.
drumstix14: Sorry for asking, but what does LGBTQ stand for?
try_and_stop_me: lesbian gay bisexual trans* queer.
spacepuppy69: Queer/questioning.
try_and_stop_me: I forgot that one! apologies.
spacepuppy69: Not at all! Just a reminder.
| 6 | 3.333333 | |
1392765235 | 1392773097 | t3_1yaced | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving my house
I was sick Sunday, nothing serious just a stuffed nose, tired, and a headache. But I was feeling better by night and had the next day off, so I decided to go out. I ended up driving my two friends and I to a third friend's house where they were celebrating his cousin's birthday. It wasn't a big group but there was enough beer there to get everyone a little sloppy. We leave around midnight and I offer to take the birthday boy, H, home as well as my two friends. We pile into my car, there is no compartment up front so one of my friends, L, sits in the middle seat with H next to her and my other friend, S, gets in the back. H is completely gone at this point, but is pretty easy to handle so we decide to all grab food on the way home.
After we finish eating, S complains that she has to pee, so we head to H's house. On the way there H and L start talking and she scoots closer to him. I'm watching them making sure I can break them up before anything actually happens, when I hear a disgusting stomach churning gurgle in the backseat. I look back and S is crying covered in vomit with the rest of the backseat, and my backpack completely drenched. This had happened a few times already but S was too embarrassed to say anything about it.
I pull over grab a few dirty t shirts out of my trunk clean everything up the best I can and toss the shirts on the side of the road. I get back in the car to see H, whose back is caked in dried puke, and L all over each other. They're both too far gone to feel any shame or awkwardness and trying to break them up does nothing. So I just choose to ignore them for the moment and tried helping S who at this point is in complete tears and refuses to go anywhere but home, a good 20 minutes away.
On the way to S's house H and L continued to ignore the puke and pissed off driver, having a night I'm sure we all will treasure forever. By the time I drop everyone off and get home it's around 2 in the morning, spending the next 3 hours sneaking in and out of my house to get my car cleaned.
TL;DR: I leave the house with a cold, come back with vomit, sweat, and broken dreams.
porcia918: somehow the guy/girl that throws up is always in the middle in the backseat.
The vomitee in my car fortunately only drank vodka which apparently produces odorless vomit (and pretty clean vomit too, being pure alcohol)
Penderdragon: She drank a lot of vodka but she definitely wasn't on an empty stomach. It looked like molten lava.
| 3 | 2 | |
1392762118 | 1392776987 | t3_1ya6nq | t5_2to41 | 37 | A_Wild_Jirachi: TIFU by scratching my balls.
So last night I was in bed checking my clan on clash of clans. My balls started to itch and I was alone in the room so I decided to give them a scratch. It happens. So after I finished getting my gold and went to bed. Didn't think anything of it. I woke up the next morning with blood on a huge part of my boxers, running down my leg, and on the bed. I thought I had pissed blood, but nope. I hadn't cut my fingernails in too long and actually left a bleeding cut on my balls that had bled all night. Didn't even wake up or notice because I was so tired. Scared the shit out of me.
TL;DR scratched my balls. Left huge cut. Woke up with blood everywhere.
jimbob_tyler: Try pinching and rolling the spot that itches instead of scratching.
Edit: a word (is = of)
milkymoocowmoo: I've seen this mentioned before but I could never get it to work. Dare I ask if there's an instructional video somewhere?
jimbob_tyler: I'm sure that there is one somewhere, but I won't be able to look it up for a while.
Basically you need to find the it itchiest portion of your sac, pinch it lightly between your thumb and pointer finger, and roll across the area that itches. When you master it, you won't go back to scratching.
Note: pinch and roll works great for any area that would be considered too sensitive to scratch.
Ninja Edit: Wording
| 4 | 9.25 | |
1392764852 | 1392821484 | t3_1yabpm | t5_2to41 | 150 | jlopez9090: TIFU by Watching Crank 2 while going to sleep
After seeing Crank for the first time since it came out I wanted to go ahead and watch the second one. I didn't get very far when I fell asleep. I woke up late for class because my alarm was set to 9 PM not AM (I just got a new phone, sue me).
I live off campus so I had to speed the whole way there. I somehow made it only a few minutes late. I was clearly disheveled. I also hadn't showered or anything. I was already THAT kid before I even opened my laptop.
The class was full today. There were 30 people cramped in one small room and there was only one seat left. I made my way to my seat and got settled. A lot of "Excuse me, sorry. Excuse me, sorry." I finally relaxed a little bit as I sat down. I took out my book and laptop to follow along with the notes.
My computer had died so I had to plug it in. I booted it up (once it's fully running it's pretty quick but it always takes a long time to boot). All of a sudden I start hearing a noise. At first, I thought it was someone's phone. Omg it's coming from my computer. It was a woman talking in a very sensual tone. I try to turn down the volume or mute it but the buttons aren't responsive yet. I start to laugh nervously. I hadn't even watched that scene yet so I didn't know what was about to come. Suddenly the voice clearly says, "*Have some smelly snatch rubbed in your face.*" OMG! Wtf. And she wouldn't shut up. Next I hear, "*...fucking whore. Get your dick wet.*" I shut my computer immediately and it still wouldn't stop!
[Here's the scene: http://youtu.be/gU8Ksz47C54?t=13s (start at 0:13)]
Everyone clearly heard. And the voice continued in the same tone even though my laptop was shut. She was getting more and more sexual but the words were inaudible. I threw it in my bag but you could still hear it for another 20 seconds untill my computer realized I shut it.
Everyone was laughing. This blind girl in front of me was losing it. My friend was laughing the hardest. Even the prudes were laughing at me. I was mortified. I didn't defend myself because I didn't want to dig a deeper hole. I just put my head down in defeat.
So people think I either watch porn before class or watch so much porn that I fall asleep to it. Worst part was my screen was black so I couldn't show them I wasn't watching porn.
tl;dr I'm the porn kid
Whiteboy27thst: Poor dennis
jlopez9090: First thing I did when I got home was find that fucking scene. I couldn't believe he was in the second one too. So funny.
K3R3G3: Who is that chick? What a fucking milf. Damn.
itsinthebone: I think her name is Lauren Holly. The chick from Dumb and Dumber
Silverlight42: Yup, from [Picket Fences](http://images.screenrush.co.uk/r_760_x/medias/nmedia/18/36/34/07/18477315.JPG).
itsinthebone: Now that's a TV show I haven't thought about in years. I forgot she was on the show as well
| 7 | 21.428571 | |
1392768505 | 1392983907 | t3_1yai8x | t5_2to41 | 39 | buttmunchkins: TIFU by sending a friend request to the girl with whom my SO cheated on me
Long backstory short, I caught my boyfriend exchanging flirtatious Facebook messages with this girl. Drama ensued, we almost broke up, etc etc and somehow my boyfriend managed to win me back. He told the girl that I had caught them, and supposedly she was extremely sorry and scared of me now (as she too played a significant role in the flirting).
I found it very difficult to let go of my intense dislike for this girl, who actually tried to keep in contact with my boyfriend several times even after we got back together. I would visit her Facebook page sometimes, just to indulge my hatred some more. One day as I was doing this, my finger accidentally slipped and hit the "Send Friend Request" button.
Panic immediately ensued and I hurriedly canceled the request, but the damage was already done--she had already gotten a notification (and if she hadn't, then it would have notified her through email).
TL;DR: I alerted a girl that I was Facebook stalking her.
T3hBau5: Flirting isn't cheating though..
buttmunchkins: It's a form of emotional cheating and he was hiding it from me.
rxcowboy: Should you arrest a person for assault if he calls someone an asshole? After all verbal assault is a form of assault.
courtoftheair: Well most police officers would say yes.
| 5 | 7.8 | |
1392765397 | 1392774629 | t3_1yacqb | t5_2to41 | 135 | the_plot_chickens: TIFU By making pancakes
I was making delicious pancakes for me and my housemate, when I prematurely flipped a big fat one that wasn't done.
It spaffed burning hot batter all up in my face, leaving me with a collection of burn marks all over my skin, and also a singed eyeball, because I also managed to fuck up the basic human instinct of blinking.
Now I have to use a paste (*paste!*) on my eye until it heals. What the fuck.
TLDR: Do not make pancakes if you are a dumb fuck like me.
CherylChoker: Eyed say something to make it batter for you but you've already got it covered
FrozenTaco5: What a waffle pun.
CherylChoker: Aw, you're making me blue...
FrozenTaco5: ABANDON THREAD
| 5 | 27 | |
1392760114 | 1392854444 | t3_1ya2qs | t5_2to41 | 184 | kurtni: TIFU by assuming walls were even and getting trapped behind a freezer
I work at an ice cream shop. We got a walk in freezer, so I had to move the old reach in freezers into our basement. No big deal, they're not all that heavy.
To get to our basement, you have to go outside and down a flight of stairs. Because of how the motor is housed, we had to take it down a certain way so it didn't get banged on the stairs and damaged.
Well, turns out the walls going down our stairs are not even... not even close. The freezer got wedged against the wall before we realized the space was too tight, the girl up top dropped couldn't get her hands under it to pick it back up because our end was wedged in place. So, I was stuck down there for about 2 hours. I think I know what liberated miners feel like now.
I should probably add our basement is creepy as fuck...no lights, gigantic cave crickets, horror movie set vibe in general.
Here is a [picture](http://imgur.com/IXQ2tGl), of me stuck in the dungeon, about to lose my shit because of spiders and crickets.
And yes, we are actually stupid for not taking it down the narrower way, but we were worried about hitting the motor, and we measured the door frame and it would have fit the wide way... if the damn walls were even.
warshadow: As someone who is claustrophobic, this is a big goddamn nope, and I would have lost skin, flesh and blood getting out of that gap at the top.
I mean I'd strip naked if it helped me get through that hole.
penisweed: DAE le NOPE?
CowboyontheBebop: Why say this
| 4 | 46 | |
1392772375 | 1392835330 | t3_1yapc9 | t5_2to41 | 21 | shaker_not_shaken: TIFU by getting "fresh" at a funeral today
Edit:repost due to being taken down.
So today I was with my s/o and her family at a funeral for her grandmother. During the viewing the S/o was with her mother and sister standing, all looking at family photos. All three of them look very similar from behind and I had turned to hug the s/o and wasn't paying much attention and ended up hugging her mother from behind.
Instantly got a "uhh I'm not mrs. Shaker_Not_Shaken" and got embarrassed. Apologized profusely and felt pretty awkward from not paying attention. The gf's mom and dad as well as family had a great laugh over the ordeal, it broke the gloomy feeling of being at a funeral
Tl;dr read the goddamn story!
porcia918: that wasn't awkward at all
TheBobzo: what you said
camoenahs: What they said
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1392768876 | 1392816411 | t3_1yaivx | t5_2to41 | 40 | throwaway_allthexxxx: TIFU by not cleaning my room for 6 months
This is actually an ancient fuck up so more like 5 years ago I fucked up. I am not this disgusting anymore. Sorry.
So I had just moved out of home and was renting in a sharehouse, and I was super duper excited to be an independent womyn. So naturally that meant leaving my stuff all over the floor because mom and pop weren't there to tell me to clean it up. It was so liberating. So over the course of 6 months my clothes migrated from the hanger to one huge pile on the floor. Pretty much all my clothes were in this mega pile and the stuff at the bottom was buried so deep I eventually just stuck to rotating the few shirts at the top of the pile.
I slowly began noticing a funny smell and more and more bugs appearing in my room. They were tiny tiny flying bugs that I easily squished the first few times but eventually I realized that they weren't in any other part of the house and I questioned... where were they coming from?
The first fuck up is that that didn't even get me to clean up my room. I only cleaned it up because my parents were coming over one day. So I got started on the mega pile and as I was digging in the stench became fouler and fouler, and the flying bugs started coming out. I started gagging and that's when I realized I had fucked up. But I had to finish what I had started. I dug through the clothes and finally found the source of my problem. An old forgotten chocolate bar that I had thrown a shirt over, that had been the start of the pile, and I had never noticed it. (Sorry if you were expecting like a used tampon or a human turd, you can imagine it was that if you like.) It had turned green and slimy. And when I flung back the rest of the clothes I saw a fucking colony of bugs or bug egg sacs or something - little brown cocoon like things. They weren't moving so I guess they hadn't hatched, luckily for me. I spent a couple hours airing everything out and vacuuming up the bug eggs which clinked as they were sucked up the tube. (If anyone can tell me what those bugs were that would be awesome.) But the smell stayed and I actually had to throw out most of my clothes. It was fucking disgusting. I kept some of the less smelly clothes from that time but the smell still lingers slightly and every time I go near them I want to puke remembering that time I bought a delicious chocolate bar and wasted it on an insect colony.
b2311e: Sorry to tell you this, but I thought you weren't supposed to vacuum up bugs and their eggs, as it can spread them?
^Obviously ^not ^very ^relevant ^now ^though
throwaway_allthexxxx: Yep those bugs are long gone and probably spread to an orphanage or something. As long as it's not my clothes.
proteus616: I just use an insect bomb, cleans the house of all bugs
| 4 | 10 | |
1392777872 | 1392793599 | t3_1yaz77 | t5_2to41 | 96 | jasundead: TIFU by almost cutting my fingers off.
Plenty of people have cut themselves in the kitchen, but this was in a very unexpected way. I had purchased a head of iceberg lettuce that comes in the little plastic wrap with tape to semi seal it. I'm not sure how you guys open these but I do what I consider the typical Hulk maneuver and rip it in twane to access my sweet leafy goodness. In the process of this I am grabbing and stretching the plastic between my hands but this is where things go wrong. This plastic decides that it will condense into some form of razor wire and become a garrote for my fingers. Before I realize what is happening I feel a sharp pain in my index and middle fingers on both hands. It cut me to the bone almost on both hands inside the furthest crease of my digits. It was like the worst papercut ever.
TL;DR Plastic can be a garrote.
CaptStegs: Lettuce acknowledge this incident.
atomjack12: Leaf him alone, he's had a rough day.
Misentro: The physical pain is just the tip of the iceberg.
Suffistication: This is already pretty radicchio.
| 5 | 19.2 | |
1392811756 | 1392892430 | t3_1yc4l4 | t5_2to41 | 1,175 | Stormasmeggon: TIFU by ingesting shampoo
So I went out drinking last night with a girl I've been seeing, and ended up staying around hers.
When I've been drinking I tend to get really thirsty in the middle of the night, so I drunkenly got up and went over to the sink and grabbed what to my drunken self must have been a bottle of water.
Start to down it - it is water, but when I get to the bottom there's a load of solid stuff. Too late, it's already down my throat. Immediate horrible taste in the back of my throat and weird feeling in my stomach, have to start throwing water down my throat from the sink.
Look around for the bottle, find a bottle of shampoo which she apparently half filled with water to make it go further. I can still taste it...
TL;DR my stomach lining now has a glossy shine.
bananalova: I just don't get it, I read all those stories about people drinking from bottles and cans in their friends' rooms, cars, from under their beds, WHO DOES THAT?? Even when drunk, I won't even drink from my own bottles without smelling and checking them thoroughly...
BetaThetaPirate: 1. Never use soda cans as an ash tray when drunk.
2. Never dip/chew tobacco and spit into a soda can when drunk.
treoni: 1. Never get drunk.
Edit: some people don't get a joke
BIG_JUICY_TITTIEZ: LPT: Life getting you down? Kill yourself now and you'll never have to feel sad, lonely, angry, or afraid ever again!
FormalCheese: Okay, I can agree he's in no position to tell other Internet strangers how to act(then again, neither am I), but we're putting words in his mouth to make him sound worse here, I doubt by telling you to not drink, he actually meant to go off yourself instead.
Saicotic: He wasn't putting words in his mouth. He was mocking him.
xTerraH: Im pretty sure it was a joke dude. Its not like he said "You're an idiot, you shouldn't drink)
treoni: You got it exactly. Thanks for seeing the joke I mean't!
xTerraH: Allgood man. Internet people need to learn how to chillax sometimes. See the good in the bad.
| 10 | 117.5 | |
1392775161 | 1392829996 | t3_1yauh6 | t5_2to41 | 23 | DownvoteMe4Free: TIFU by eating soup while browsing Reddit.
For Valentines Day, my mom got me a cup of soup. So the next day I decided to eat my cup of soup while browsing Reddit. Big mistake. It happened so fast that I don't remember the details, but I do remember me lifting my hand up to type something, then knocking over the cup of soup. I watched my salty soup sink into the keyboard in disbelief.
I didn't only watch the salty cup of soup sink into the keyboard though, I saw money sink into the keyboard. I own a Macbook Pro. This cup of soup ended up costing me almost $700. It was a very expensive cup of soup.
To make matters worse, I put my laptop in rice in hopes that that might fix it, which it didn't. You might be thinking, "Well whats wrong with that?" Well I'll tell you whats wrong with that, the rice broke up and went into my keyboard as well. So I had to take out the keys (the space bar doesn't work right now), and try and clean them out as best as I could.
*TL;DR: Don't eat soup at your laptop.*
Strummed: It took me half the story to realize you said "soup" and not "soap".
KristyConfused: I can imagine your confusion as he's eating hot soap.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1392837670 | 1392843643 | t3_1yd8rz | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by smoking in school
I am a Junior in high school in the suburbs of Dallas, Texas. Basically today I went to my normal 4th period bathroom break (e-cig brake really), and anyway as I am standing there, outside the stalls, a teacher walks in as I am exhaling. But of all teachers, it was the law enforcement class teacher, so I am pretty boned. I walk with him to the administrators office, and luckily my parents did not answer the phone, and I am not going to receive a citation.
Naturally, they confiscated my e-cig, and I received Saturday School, and of course my parents are going to be livid when they check their messages.
TL;DR Don't smoke in school guys, it's a bad idea, just don't do it.
Forehead58: My advice is always to wait until you're 18. I understand it's a little late in your case, but I don't bother advising people not to smoke. Everyone knows it's bad for health, but if somebody wants to do it, no amount of advice will stop them from trying it. But I always suggest waiting until you can buy your own, because being hooked without being able to quench it sucks hard.
Gingerizhere: Yeah, it was kind of just like a hobby for me, and I liked the buzz it gave me to help me relieve stress. Hopefully my cravings won't be too bad, they haven't been before. I've gone two weeks without it in the past. But you never know.
Forehead58: I will say, at least you've got the sense to use an e-cig. Way better in my opinion. So many delicious flavors.
Gingerizhere: Still haven't ever smoked a cigarette and don't plan on it.
| 5 | 1 | |
1392844116 | 1392902635 | t3_1ydkin | t5_2to41 | 197 | dun_yow_like_soup: TIFU by telling a customer and her mother to f**k off and throwing keys in their general direction
This happened yesterday but was a bit too reved up to post.
I work for my father in our family garage. Normally I drive the recovery trucks all day and have limited contact with the general public but our receptionist is off sick and I have filled in to help. A young lady came in to have an mot on her car. (not sure how many other countries have them but its like a health and safety check every year). It passed and away she went happy.
A few hours later she returns with a quite angry looking lady. turns out its her mother. when the young lady left us she went to visit her mom and parked on the drive. she stayed for a couple of hours and then left. when she moved her car it left a few drops off oil on the drive. The mother jumps in the car with her and drives straight to us to accuses our mot tester of doing bent mots.
I calmly explain to her that an you can not fail a car for an oil leak unless it is excessive. (something like must leave a patch so big in so much time according to the rules and regulations). she is having non of this and thinks we are endangering her daughters life. I explained that a small oil leak is nothing to worry about and can be fixed. she is still having non off the logical talk and starts to come around my side of our front counter but her daughter pulls her back. now she is starting to swear while I have other people in the reception and ask her to stop. She then throws her daughter's keys towards my face. I catch them and now flip. I throw them back at her feet. tell her to pick them up and fuck off. Now is when my dad walks in hearing the noise. she tells me im a cunt and walks out. Noticing she never picked the keys up and grab them, follow her out the door and throw them at her again hitting her in the back and shout I hope slips in her daughter's oil puddle and turn away. when I got back in the reception I find one of our regulars explaing to my dad what went on and he was kind of ok with it.
Tldr. customer shouts at me for apparently trying to endanger her daughter. I swear back and throw her keys at her.
That_Deaf_Guy: You have her daughter's license plate. Track it, take a shit on the hood and assert dominance, I swear it works!
GrumpyGiraffe: My welding teacher told me to strap dildo's to my VP's car and write "Now you can fuck yourself all day long faggot" all over it in window marker. I feel like shitting on his hood would be much better revenge!
That_Deaf_Guy: I'm going to bear this in mind if I ever want revenge, thanks!
JoshEGuy: Bologna the car!
That_Deaf_Guy: Alright Satan!
| 6 | 32.833333 | |
1392848243 | 1392926383 | t3_1ydscq | t5_2to41 | 494 | docsuess: TIFU by flushing the toilet
It started like any other morning. Pee, flush, brush teeth, turn on shower. The shower drain was clogging up during the shower, which should have been a red flag since I had just snaked and draino-ed it two days before. I get out, get ready for work, and the drain is still clogged. I use the toilet again, FLUSH, and shit hits the fan. The toilet clogs, and I get to work with a plunger. After two pumps I hear a gurgle in my bathtub. I think, hmm, that's weird. Wonder what that could be. I look over to shit GURGLING into my bathtub. Fuck. I don't know what else to do besides keep plunging and hope for the best, but to no avail. I'm late for work, so I say fuck it I'll have to call a professional in here.
I tell my roommate when I get to work, and an hour later she informs me her boyfriend who stayed the night just told her the same shit happened to him - clogged the toilet and made it overflow. He cleaned up the mess and - wait for it - started. the. washing. machine. MAJORLY bad idea, as as soon as he did this, more shit started exploding up through the tubs and toilets. Literal shitstorm, Lahey would have been proud. We call a plumber as this is qualified as a 'plumbing emergency' and they come in the afternoon, and dig a ginormous hole in our side yard to locate the root of all evil. Apparently roots and other flotsom was the cause of this blockage, and the old house's pipes had just started to rebel.
After several bottles of bleach, Clorox clean-up, TONS of rubber gloves, and lots of beers, the house is back to normal. Thank you, plumbers, for saving the day.
On the bright side, it was a day of poop puns and great storytelling, especially over the lunch and dinner table. It was a poopocolypse, and we were up shit creek without a plunger.
Thanks for reading! Hope you weren't hungry.
[deleted]: >Literal shitstorm, Lahey would have been proud
So glad for this TPB reference.
That_Deaf_Guy: I'm trying to figure out what TPB is exactly, please help..
[deleted]: Trailer Park Boys.
That_Deaf_Guy: Knew I heard the name Lahey somewhere! I haven't even finished season 2 and I don't plan on any time soon :(
fax_machines: The show is actually hilarious, stick with it
That_Deaf_Guy: The first season didn't do much for me, not going to lie. I literally just finished Parks and Rec season 4 (Chris Traeger voice) but I'll get on TPB as soon as I've finished Parks.
sgthoppy: Maybe it's because you're deaf.
That_Deaf_Guy: What's the got to do with anything? I feel like you didn't think this through.
sgthoppy: Your username plus the fact that some parts of language are understood better in speech than text, like sarcasm.
That_Deaf_Guy: I wear Hearing aids... PLOT TWIST!
| 11 | 44.909091 | |
1392846736 | 1392886368 | t3_1ydpgt | t5_2to41 | 43 | [deleted]: Today My Brain Fucked Up ~ Wet Dream ~ 1st Wet Dream Ever
So currently I am doing NoFap, I'm a 20 year old guy, the last time I had any release was 2 weeks ago and here is my story.
Last night I had this weird as dream that had to broken into 2 different sections, but they are very short from one and another.
Section 1 of My Dream
* Anyways in my 1st dream, I had a dream that I was in a T.V show series call Deal or No Deal *Australian Edition* so many of you guy's would be aware, anyway's the host is usually a dude but in my dream the host was a girl name "Samantha Armytage" she usually does the morning news program for same channel that Deal or No Deal is Aired on aka Channel 7. The contestant of the show is a well known artist by teenage girls aka "Reece Mastin". I how ever in this part of the dream was a contestant of the show. Fast forward later, Reece Mastin ended up with $20,000 in his brief case.
Section 2 of My Dream
* I had a mission to carry this brief case from Deal or No Deal that had $20,000 in cold hard cash into a secured Air Port. On my way I had a ear piece and a camera mounted some where in my body so I could be given directions by a bunch of people monitoring me ensuring I made it to my destination.
I suddenly saw a Wall that said "Heisenberg" aka Mr White from breaking bad with his cartoon face drawing. Suddenly when I saw that I saw a Chrysler 300C which is the same car he drives in the movies. I was like OH SHIT, MR WHITE IS COMING FOR ME, in my head it was more like of a Jesse Pinkman voice tone.
The car just drove by and I continually started walking my way to the airport. On my way there I heard this massive "ORGASM" I didn't know what it was but it was so arousing that I had to find where the sound source was and located it ASAP. I thought some one was getting rape but I had to find out.
I was outside of the source, but the sound of the "Orgasm" was coming from this 5 story apartment block which looked very scummy and very abandoned, how ever there was still people living inside it regardless. I decided to open the outside door, so I could enter the inside of the building. I decide to walk in, it was a very dark but slightly ever lit hall way, I decided to keep walking and the sound of the "Orgasm" kept getting louder and louder.
Eventually I had found the source, I busted open the door and saw a Tom Boy Lesbian and a red hair girl that looked like she was on alot of Meth with such a fucked up face but arousing at the time. The meth girl had her hands tied up behind her back while the Tom Boy Lesbian started slapping her ass and slapping and choking her on the neck. I knew this was sexual torture.
I decided to drop down my pants and fuck her in the ass, I then proceeded to get on the couch and she got her hand untied and start to ride my cock in the cow girl position back her back facing towards me. Out of no where she was fucking a guy that look's like "GG ALLIN" in the ass and I could see his shit coming out of his ass while she was fucking him "I DON'T KNOW HOW" but it was fucking disturbing. Fast forward 5 seconds later I had this massive orgasm and just cumm'd every where like a fire hose all over the meth addict chick and GG ALLIN.
I woke up in reality and a massive load of my cum had just released from my penis, my whole pants was soaked in cum. I continuously had this raging boner for another 10 minutes, for some reason it would no go down, drip by drip a tad more cum would drip out.
I finally decided to change a pair of new pants afterwards. I sat in bed thinking about how disturbing and fucked up my dream was and was a little bit traumatised by the experience.
This is my first wet dream ever, and it was the most fucked up experience.
Forehead58: I don't think this is the subreddit for this, but it was a fun story.
[deleted]: I couldn't find one for it, if you know one, I would post it. Thanks
TypicalFacts: BTW to get those last drops out of your dick, apply pressure at the bottom of the shaft, on the front of your dick. Squeeze it with your hand moving upwards until it comes out the top, kind of like a Gogurt.
aldekeyser: of all things...
WHY DO YOU RUIN MY CHILDHOOD INNOCENCE.
[deleted]: It had to be done
| 6 | 7.166667 | |
1392849524 | 1392865415 | t3_1ydupw | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by forgetting my breakfast.
So my daily routine was to get up and do morning things and then I toast a bagel every day that I wrapped up and took to eat on the bus. Now today it was unusually warm and I wasn't wearing a jacket that had a big pocket I usually put it in. So I toasted it and wrapped it up and set it on the counter hut walked out the door without it. When I got to the bus stop I realized and shouted "OH FUCK YOU" to nobody in particular. The only issue was that there was an elementary school bus stop right across from the high school one and it came at about the same time. Luckily the elementary schoolers were already on their bus and gone, but all the adults were still there gossiping. They all heard it. I turned around and faced away from them in shame. My friend told me they were all staring at me and then they'd whisper to each other then stare at me again. God it was embarrassing and they all heard me curse really loud and they used to think of me as a good kid and role model. That's gone now. The sad part is that I will have to face them all tomorrow when I go to my bus stop since they will be there at the same time. I hope they don't tell my parents because they are pretty strict about that stuff.
Tl;Dr: I forgot my breakfast and cussed loud enough that the whole neighborhood heard.
timewarpeddd: I would have starred right back at all of them with a nasty look until they looked away EDIT: stared.
That_Deaf_Guy: >starred
There's a joke here somewhere, but it's late and I'm going to bed.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1392841144 | 1392924829 | t3_1ydf2k | t5_2to41 | 14 | uberyeti: TIFU by drinking flower water
I bought some nice cut flowers for my girlfriend yesterday, and put them in a glass of water to keep them fresh until she visited me and took them home, which she duly did.
Earlier today I was having a late lunch and found some wine that needed drinking, but I lacked a glass from which to drink it (declining to swig it from the bottle like some kind of plebeian). Sitting atop my chest of drawers was a glass, helpfully part full of water to quench my thirst.
I duly necked it, poured myself some wine and enjoyed a pleasant lunch.
A few minutes ago my girlfriend called and mentioned how much she liked the flowers, and apologised for not washing the glass up when she took the flowers. The glass?
Oh. That glass.
At least I didn't add the nutrient powder that came with the flowers; it might have spoiled the wine.
LupineSmile: Lol the entire time reading it I thought you already had put the nutrients in. Regardless, you are a master in the art of storytelling! lol
uberyeti: Thank you!
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1392863902 | 1392957773 | t3_1yekf4 | t5_2to41 | 58 | Ice_Cold_Water: TIFU by formatting a $150 flash drive.
So, it's my 3rd day at my new job, and I was given a flash drive with some high tech encryptions on it to keep the data protected on it. And as I was building USB boot drives this morning, I decided to make a map_network_drive.bat and stick it on my really cool encrypted flash drive that only I knew the password to. Now, unfortunately for me, these drives were both named KINGSTON. And before I knew it I was formatting my flash drive with all of the encryptions on it.
My face turned white, and my heart sank into my stomach.
I ripped the flash drive out as fast as I could, but that only corrupted all of the data on it, making it unusable.
So I walked into my new boss's office, like the big black guy from the Green Mile and explained what happened, and he only looked down at it, and explained the price of it.
I'm fired as fuck.
UltimaVirus: I've made $15,000 mistakes and kept my job. I wouldn't sweat it.
proteus616: What sort of mistakes cost that much
o_oli: Maybe he accidentally formatted 100 flash drives worth $150 each.
DrBrian: > Maybe he accidentally formatted 150 flash drives worth $150 each.
= $22500.
Think you meant to say 100 flash drives worth $150.
I lol'd still, though. Upvote.
o_oli: Wow that was a super fail by me right there. Corrected!
proteus616: Lol
| 7 | 8.285714 | |
1392856667 | 1392912613 | t3_1ye7vd | t5_2to41 | 24 | ihazcheese: TIFU Ravioli headphones.
I was walking out of my room with a bowl of ravioli remnants(aka sauce and meaty bits), a cup, a coffee mug, and an empty bag of Funyuns when I decided "Man! The edge of my desk right above where I set my headphones is a REALLY good place to set this bowl so I can open my door!" What could go wrong? Right when I set the bowl down I pulled my arm away to open the door. My finger tapped the bowl so lightly that it couldn't have possibly knocked the ravioli stuff over into my headphones. Buuut, I guess it was just enough of a tap to do just that. The ravioli sauce consumed the insides of my headphones like hell. I had to spend about 30 minutes scrubbing the foamy cloth on the insides of the earpieces. Oh, and not to mention it got on my speakers and my floor... Worst of all, I checked the warranty on the headphones because I thought I had 2 years on it. NOPE. One month. Expired Jan 31. Fuck me. :(
TL;DR: I SPILLED RAVIOLI SAUCE IN MY FUCKING HEADPHONES BECAUSE I'M A MULTITASKING IDIOT.
zalloy: Aw, dude! That sucks. Stuff like this is why I put a hook on the wall by my desk, so I can hang up my headset when I'm not using it. It keeps things from getting spilled on it, and I can just reach over and grab it when I need it. you can buy a pack of Command hooks for less than $5. Or, alternatively, just put a screw in the wall that you can hang the headphones on.
So, I'm curious. Do the headphones still work, after all that scrubbing?
ihazcheese: Still waiting to use them. Don't wanna short something in them or anything.
zalloy: Maybe try putting them in some uncooked rice for a day or 2, to help dry them out. I'd be worried more about the speaker cones, but these days most of them are made of plastic or something like that. The old papery cones don't do well when they get wet.
ihazcheese: It's plastic as far as I can tell. As for the rice thing, there'd be next to no benefit to that for this particular situation. They're already like 99% dry so it looks like that'll do no good. Also, there's a thin line of cloth mesh stuff and a layer of plastic with holes in it protecting the speaker itself. If I'm lucky there's not much damage other than smelling like raviolis and later hardening inside if it got in anywhere besides the cup lining. Thanks for the tip though. :)
zalloy: Well, hopefully they still work, and the only real damage is they'll smell like raviolis for a while. Thing is, if they smell like raviolis now, they'll probably smell like bad raviolis after a while. The good news is headphones and headsets are pretty inexpensive. I just bought myself a nice Pyle USB headset with noise canceling for under $30. And I got a 4 year extended warranty, since my last one died after a couple years. The extended warranties don't cover everything that can happen, but at least if it dies, you can get a new one for free, or close to free.
ihazcheese: Oh shit. I forgot about that... That's gonna be an issue. I'm gonna need a new headset at some point either way. The mic sound on my current one is horrible and only picks up sound when you talk loudly. Also the sound rings at anything higher than a medium volume.
| 7 | 3.428571 | |
1392862190 | 1392867750 | t3_1yehjr | t5_2to41 | 48 | Empyrean_: tifu by cheating in social studies
This has been going on for a while. And it's not just me it's nearly the entire class. Anyway our social studies teacher gives us these things called chapter packets that go alomg with our textbook and we have a week to do them. They usually take a few hours to do. Piled on top of other schoolwork they can become a hassle. It was soon discovered that the key to every single packet is on scribd.com and soon me and the rest of the class was using this website to get our answers. This website literally allowed us to complete each packet in a matter of minutes. Well apparently the key for a certain part of the chapter 12 packet is wrong. Of course me along with the rest of the class all have the answers from the key. To our teacher it was plain obvious that we all cheated. He explained that hes known about the website since 2011 and every year chapter 12 is the turning point. He was not mad whatsoever, his only concern was that the packets have lost their utility. So now we are just going to start using a different book. He is such a nice guy and I just feel like a huge dick for taking advantage of him.
Tldr; me and rest of class cheated repeatedly, teacher found out and we didnt get in trouble, feel like a huge dick
SoulCoughing97: I know there's a difference between cheating because of laziness and cheating because you just don't know the answers. If you're of the second group, send me a PM at any time, I can likely help elucidate anything. I enjoy helping others, and I very much enjoy history. Feel free to take me up on this offer.
Ruff_Dog: But.. do you have Super Bon Bon's?
| 3 | 16 | |
1392867821 | 1392990715 | t3_1yeqzb | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by suggesting a filthy scat act to my boyfriend.
We were just joking around and talking. Then I started quoting the South Park episode where someone gets a queef in the face. But instead of saying "yeah you want a queef in the face?" I ended up saying "Want my poop in your belly?"
Took him off guard. He looked shocked for a moment, joked about "see ya later, girl", and I think he laughed it off. *I hope*
timewarpeddd: You mean my wife... she.. qweffed in ma face? From her strange...
soylentsandwich: What? That's not how babies are made? Well why did she queef in my face?
Buffalo__Buffalo: How is babby formed? How is girl get pragnent?
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1392868482 | 1392940623 | t3_1yes5j | t5_2to41 | 191 | borismkv: TIFU by going into the wrong place to get a massage.
Allow me a few minutes to relate a most important tale to you all. I have learned two valuable lessons. The first part is that I am extremely Naive. The second will follow the story. So please, sit, grab some popcorn, and continue with care, for this tale is unsettling indeed.
[Mmmm...Popcorn](http://replygif.net/i/1393.gif)
Before I begin I must start by saying that I am a devout Mormon (No I don't care what you think of my religion, I just mention this so you can have some situational context). As a result, I kind of exist in the huge bubble of naivete that follows many Mormons around. For me, this cloud of obliviousness is so dense that not even idle rumor can penetrate it. Context complete.
[Hurray! Context](http://img.ffffound.com/static-data/assets/6/a1f0d78fadc07b34ec68ac69dd5b74a07c805fad_m.gif)
So after I got home from work last night, I realized that I had a screaming headache and my back was sore. I have Scheuermann's disease, which is a deformation of the spine similar to scoliosis but with the vertebrae being malformed front to back rather than side to side. It's what makes hunchbacks hunchbacks. Mine is a mild case, but it has resulted in my developing a monstrous rib cage and some truly massive back muscles. Sadly, it also means that my back is kept in constant stress and I have to get massage therapy on a fairly regular basis. I have a regular therapist that I go to, and I had tried earlier in the day to schedule an appointment with her, but she was booked up. As such, I mounted up in the ole Subaru and went out looking for a place to get a massage. I live in Mesa, AZ, and there are lost of massage places around. There's a Massage Envy near my apartment and I went there first. I drove around a bit trying to find the place. I finally found it and went in to see if I could get a massage. They were booked up for the night as well, and I thought for a minute about setting up an appointment for the next day, but my back was screaming "NOW, dang it! NOW!".
[Stupid Back](http://blogs.sundaymercury.net/weirdscience/assets_c/2011/02/GilBadBack-thumb-450x420-145358.gif)
I thought, okay, I'll see if I can find another place nearby. Then I remember that there was a place in the mini-mall across the street. It said very boldly, "Massage" outside, and they had a sign that said, "Walk-ins welcome." They were still open so I thought, what the heck, I'll try it out. I've been to many many different massage parlors before, and I thought nothing of it.
[Walk walk walk](http://westy5oh.files.wordpress.com/2012/09/strut-gif.gif)
So I walk into this place and it looks like most of the massage parlors I've seen. Water sculptures, cozy furniture, etc. I see a sign that says, "Press button for service." This seems a little odd, because a big binging button isn't something I've seen in a massage parlor, but I figure, whatever. Then, a gorgeous Asian girl in an attractive (and short) blue dress opens the service window and says hi. I also find this odd, since most of the massage therapists I've been to are dressed comfortably in scrubs, sweatpants, whatever. I shrug it off thinking, "Different strokes, whatever. I need a massage." I say, "Hi. I would like a massage." She responds, in a thick accent, "How long?" I say an hour, cause that's how long it usually takes to get the kinks out of my back. To this she responds, "60 dollars" I say, "Ok," She says, "Pay first" and holds out her hand. Again, I think this is odd, since, well, no massage therapist has asked me to pay up front before. Again, I figure "whatever" and pay.
[Dramatic Recreation of "Whatever"](http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m43fnpxtQY1rqfhi2o1_400.gif)
The lady opens the door to the back area and leads me to the first room. This is all normal massage stuff, I've done this before. So okay. We go into the room and she says, "Okay, you take off clothes." I expected this. Every massage therapist I've been to has asked me to "Dress down to your comfort level" and left the room immediately. Except that she didn't leave the room immediately, but stood there staring at me. I find this very odd, and some suspicion is arising in the logic centers of my brain that I have just made a serious mistake. I become a little skeptical of my situation at this point.
[*shifty eyes*](http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mcf3hngdpQ1rqrqfbo1_400.gif)
But, I figure, maybe this is just some cultural thing, and start disrobing while she's standing there. As I start she exits the room and I get down to my trunks, then I notice that the massage table doesn't have the typical full body sheet that all the others I've been to do. This begins the warning signals in my brain.
[DANGER! DANGER!](http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lwxyjgdBmZ1qlo1lto1_400.gif)
I decide, well, I guess I'm paid up, so I might as well get this over with. I lay down on the table, face first, and put the tiny little towel that is sitting on the table over my manbutt. For, you know, modesty. Asian lady comes back into the room and steps by the table, then snaps the wasteband on my trunks as says, "You take off?" To which I let out a very nervous, very feeble, "No thanks." And she starts the massage. Fairly normal massage for a while, til she straddles my back. This, normal massage therapists will not do, so in my head I'm just lacing out strings of "Oh crap oh crap oh crap...I didn't sign up for this! I swear!" and then trying very hard not to...uhh...react to the massage.
About halfway through the massage she starts talking. She says stuff like, "Oh, you such a big man. You make my hands tired!!!" And the only response I can come up with is a stifled yelp. At this point she switches from Massage mode to Caress mode.
[0_0](http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ltR3c608cww/UHX9ZzHdZEI/AAAAAAAACM4/5uUQZDGlCkQ/s1600/Kent+panic.gif)
And I start reciting baseball statistics, childhood songs, scriptures, whatever I can to...well you probably know why. It's at about this time that I hear the first of what would turn out to be three rounds of slapping noises from the room next door. I knew what this sound was and was very much more nervous as a result. After a couple minutes of the Asian lady caressing my back, which was actually kinda nice, she has me turn over and starts caressing my chest and legs and I'm conjuring pictures of rat feces and dead dogs in my head. Then she says, "You want anything else?" in a very sultry voice.
[0_0](http://rack.0.mshcdn.com/media/ZgkyMDEzLzA2LzE4L2I2L0pvaG5ueURlcHBwLmM1YjNkLmdpZgpwCXRodW1iCTEyMDB4OTYwMD4/70417de1/fe5/Johnny-Depp-panics.gif)
To this I can only manage to squeak out a very quiet and nervous, "No thank you." To which she responds, "Are you sure?" And I say, in an even squeakier voice, "Just a massage." Then she says, in a voice of great disappointment and consternation, "Why!? This you first time! Why you do this to me!?" I realize now that she was probably hoping to do...whatever it was that I don't want to know about but that I absolutely know about, rather than massaging my bulky self.
[help](http://rack.0.mshcdn.com/media/ZgkyMDEzLzA2LzE4LzdjL0JlYWtlci4zOWJhOC5naWYKcAl0aHVtYgkxMjAweDk2MDA-/4a93e3c4/4a4/Beaker.gif)
I can't say anything else in response because my vocal cords have shut down at this point. She ends up finishing the massage like a normal massage person would, and I'm able to relax a little now that the dreaded moment has passed. She finishes up in what I can swear is significantly less than an hour (the whole thing took about 30 minutes, I found out when I got back to my car), but I really don't give a crap cause all I want to do is get the hell out of there. She says we're done, I get my clothes on in record time, she gives me a bottle of water and as I'm walking out of the room she gives me a hug and says, "You so handsome!" to which I can only chuckle and then she looks at me and goes, "Tip?" To which I can only respond by grabbing my wallet and giving her everything in there which amounts to 10 bucks. She then begs me for 20 dollars more and I say I don't have more and she says, "Debit card?" And I'm like. "OKAY FINE JUST LET ME GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!" So she takes me up front to the card processor and at this point I don't even give a crap that she can see me put my PIN in, I just want out. So I finish off the transaction, say no to the receipt, and hightail it the hell out of there.
[RUN AWAY!!!](http://giphy.com/gifs/7kn27lnYSAE9O)
So...This is my story, and an experience for the ages. So to add to the lesson that I am an extremely Naive almost middle-aged Mormon boy, I have learned the most important lesson of all. If all you want is a massage, don't go to the place that just says, "MASSAGE" outside. Especially if the windows are blacked out.
PiggyBankofDespair: That sounds terrible. Where is the address of this place, so I know not to go there?
WilliamEDodd: Yes....let's not go there b
kblack18: We shall go down.
borismkv: It's "will" not "shall". If you're gonna make fun of it, do it right.
kblack18: I will through the veil.
borismkv: No you won't :D
| 7 | 27.285714 | |
1392873940 | 1392917842 | t3_1yf0r0 | t5_2to41 | 19 | devals: TIFU by allowing someone to lose their job
We've been anticipating QA inspection via "secret shopper" for months now, it's a pretty big deal for the establishment. Essentially, the whole business was on the line.
This guy was on the register next to mine when the woman who turned out to be our secret shopper came in. Though he was relatively new to the position, he's been at it for a few weeks- long enough to be working on his own. Still.. he really dropped the ball. Oh, he got the basics right, but he didn't smile, didn't make eye-contact, or offer to sign her up for our membership program, among other idiosyncratic things.
I had helped him with a problem he had upon ringing her up, but then I walked away. I should have stood over his shoulder and filled in for the areas in which he was lacking. Had I known she was our QA agent, I would have taken her on my own register. But I didn't, and today he got the ax. =(
It's technically not my responsibility to supervise, and I don't like looking over people's shoulders as though I were their boss, but he never did receive any official training beyond what I and other co-workers taught him.
The guy has a kid at home, his girlfriend just had a baby, and now he has to go home and tell them he lost his job. Not only that, but the entire upper management is in danger of losing *their* jobs. And now that the new guy is gone, all the resentment falls on me for "letting this happen".
*Sigh*... I know it's technically not my fault, and new employees have to be trusted on their own sometime, but still.. I can't help but feel as though I could have prevented the whole thing, and that's a really heavy thing to sit with.
rust2bridges: Sounds like he was the one who fucked up, even if you're new those are pretty basic customer service skills he was lacking.
Why are people resenting you for this?
devals: Well, the general sentiment seems to be that I should have asked him to stay in the back rather than allow him to work up front with me (though this would basically result in me doing the work of two people, which I am capable of, but it is very straining). In fact, things DID go on for months like this, which I became very vocal about not appreciating, and that resulted in management forcing cashiers to actually be on the registers rather than on the phones (we have a separate department for that). Now I look like a jackass for pushing the issue and causing us to fail (i.e. "this is why we didn't want 'new' people up front!").
Also, since he was within ear-shot, and I (supposedly, can't remember exactly what I was doing) was working on something other than assisting a customer, they (including my boss) feel I should have been monitoring their interaction and stepped in (though no one ever directly asked me to do this).
I do think it's pretty unfair, since whatever I was working on, whether it was ringing up a customer or not, was relevant to the job and obviously pretty engrossing. The lion's share of our work almost always falls on me, since I've been working mostly with the new guys- it's not easy to juggle multiple responsibilities AND ensure that others are meeting theirs.
Basically, since we were both "up front", it's being looked at as us BOTH having dropped the ball, since I was (by far) the more experienced of the two of us.
What really sucks is that I am known for my proficiency with customers, I always hit every requirement when I am dealing with them, and had she come to my register instead of the new guys, we would have passed with flying colors. But aside from helping him with that one issue, I left it in what I assumed were his capable hands. I didn't think he would flout the standards that they have been drilling into all our heads for months!
rust2bridges: Ahh, I know that feeling. Because you're good at your job you're expected to carry others to decency and any mistake made comes back to you, even though you're not officially in a position to be responsible. It's good because people respect your work ethic, but unfair because you do more work for equal pay.
Hindsight is 20/20 and I'm sure you can think of half a dozen of things you could have done differently. However, this isn't your fuck up, there was no hint of knowing there was something amiss, and the cards just happened to fall out of favor. Sometimes there's nothing you can do but say "sucks to suck."
devals: Nail on the head.
| 5 | 3.8 | |
1392874757 | 1393019440 | t3_1yf1zq | t5_2to41 | 27 | [deleted]: TIFU by forgetting my wallet
My friend and I started this tradition where one day every week, he and I will watch The Bachelor together. We prefer to watch it live but some weeks, one of us might be busy so we just avoid the news and social networks for a day or two until we're both free. I usually make dinner and he'll bring fruits and veggies to juice and then it's Bachelor time. (We're both dudes by the way).
Today I biked to the grocery store to pick up some ingredients. I spent a good half hour there finding everything for the chicken gyros and feta orzo I planned on making. I spend another fifteen minutes waiting in line as the place is packed. Finally, my items are being rung up. I reach into my pocket to find my wallet isn't there and realize I must have forgotten it at home. I panic and immediately tell the cashier, "Hey I'm sorry, I forgot my wallet in my car." Mind you, I have a bike helmet attached to my messenger bag. He looks at me and asks, "Oh. Do you want to go get it?" I don't know why but I told him yeah. I walk out the store and head for my bike which is in the opposite direction of the parking lot. I glance inside the store as I'm walking by and see the cashier and some of the people who were behind me in line watching me. I quickly look away, get on my bike, go home, and order some burgers.
TL;DR Panicked in a grocery store line, tried to play it cool but looked like a weirdo and probably made a guy's job harder.
purplepuzzyeater: TIL There are "dudes" who actually enjoys watching "The Bachelor."
Natanael85: While cooking a nice diner and juice some veggies...
| 3 | 9 | |
1392877944 | 1392933622 | t3_1yf68c | t5_2to41 | 8,491 | igetreallybored: TIFU By having gay sex with my cousin when i was 6 years old and attempted to casually bring it up now that we are adults.
Background. My cousin and i (both male) were having a sleep over when we were around 6 years old. We started talking about girls and about how they could pee, we couldn't figure it out so we started to come up with ideas. One thing led to another and we started talking about how to have sex with a girl, since we had never seen a vagina we thought maybe it was the butt. Curious we proceeded to put our little peckers into each others butts and just lay there. One on his stomach and the other on top, we would switch positions. At the time i thought nothing of it, but years down the road when i was a teenager i realized what the hell had happened. I tried my best to ignore this little piece of history and so did my cousin. But every time we would hang out as we grew up you could tell it was still awkward and was only getting worse. Fast forward 20 years and we are both married, out at dinner on a double date and we had an obviously gay waiter. My cousins wife remarks, "i don't understand how they can have sex with other men, that is just weird" I causally said "its pretty easy". Both wives look at me and i go "what, like you've never had causal gay sex with your cousin when you were 6 before?". My stupid brain thought this would be a good way to finally break the ice on the situation, i meant it to be so ridiculous that the wives would never think i was serious. Instead it led to a lengthy conversation of "what the hells" and "oh my fucking gods" as my cousin and i tried to explain to our wives why we had gay sex in a walk in closet at my grandmothers house at the age of 6.
TIFU by letting my wife and cousin's wife know that we had gay sex when we were children. In a restaurant, with a gay waiter. Im sure people overheard.
Greenei: Their reaction is retarded. So some 6 year olds experimented and somehow this is a big "secret". Are you all extremely homophobic or why is this a problem?
igetreallybored: His family are mormons, so yes. Extremely homophobic.
GhostOfWhatsIAName: Your wife? I'm seriously sorry for you. Even mormons should realize that 6 year olds' experiments mean nothing more than experimenting.
igetreallybored: My wife is mormon as well, i never grew up religious and in high school i did crazy things. I've since settled down, and live in a highly religious community.
idealreaddit: Whaaat...then why would you even think to mention that...in front of a bunch of Mormons?
i_pk_pjers_i: Because homosexuality is actually officially allowed by Mormonism.
idealreaddit: Homosexual *actions*, though, are condemned by LDS. Which is what we're talking about.
i_pk_pjers_i: Then why would homosexuality be allowed if actions aren't, what the fuck?
idealreaddit: Because Mormon doctrine is completely idiotic (no offense to Mormons).
i_pk_pjers_i: Yeah, it really seems like that. I was like wow, a religion that allows homosexuality? That's good for a change, then I find out that apparently they have some stupid clause. Weeeee, religion OP.
fevredream: Mormonism is the religion that pushed through Prop 8 in California using an insane amount of effort and funds in order to try and halt gay marriage. Mormonism is very, very anti-gay.
igetreallybored: True.
| 13 | 653.153846 | |
1392904550 | 1392998878 | t3_1yfuou | t5_2to41 | 18 | koranuso: TIFU by scratching my nuts after dicing a bunch of Jalapenos.
I was sitting in agony when my GF suggested I dunk my dingleberries in milk. Didn't think it would work, but it ended the pain almost immediately. Going to have to remember that trick for next time...since this wasn't the first or last time I will be dumb enough to do this.
strychninesmileyface: I have a guy friend who went to take a piss after he got ghost chili pepper sauce on his hand. it's a story he has yet to live down
koranuso: Oh wow...nope nope nope. Don't even want to think about what it would have been like with a hotter pepper than a Jalopeno. Wouldn't a Ghost Pepper residue actually cause a physical reaction like blisters or something?
strychninesmileyface: He had first degree burns on his dick for the rest of the day (it was great watching him walk) and then he had minor irritation for a while after that
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1392909029 | 1392964745 | t3_1yg0wd | t5_2to41 | 310 | ribbondino: TIFU by rubbing IcyHot on my clit.
I remembered having this tube of warming lube, and while I was doing my thing I decided to grab the IcyHot next to me to use in place of it (I was like, warms and cools, right?) I knew that you couldn't get it into the actual vagina, but I didn't think it would harm just the clit/outer lips.
At first it was kinda warm, but quickly became cool and it felt awesome. I let it sit for a minute, then resumed using my toy. The [strong] vibration of the toy made the IcyHot even hotter, but it still felt good.
About 60 seconds later it went from hot to searing and my vagina felt like it was on fire. I grabbed the nearest towel and a water bottle and tried to wash it all out, but it was burning too badly to touch enough to remove all of the cream.
I ended up sitting and staring at the wall until my vagina recouperated. It has been at least 12 hours and my clit area is still red and inflamed. On the bright side, I still trudged through the pain to fulfill my hormonally-driven duty.
To add insult to injury, when I told my boyfriend he burst out laughing for at least a full minute. I don't blame him.
It still hurts.
timewarpeddd: I accidentally fingered my ex with habanero juice on my fingers.. I had just cut up some to put in my salsa. I washed my hands twice with dawn and hot water. Figured it should be good. Well about a few seconds of fingering her she started to say it hurt. I stopped and then we realized it was the pepper and she had a burning vag for about 30 minutes EDIT: since she left me in the cuntiest way I wish I could shove a whole habanero plant up her pussy now :)
ribbondino: Habanero juice is terrible lubricant.
That_Deaf_Guy: I know right, what an amateur. Everybody knows IcyHot is the best lube.
ribbondino: It puts the *zing* back into your masturbationship.
ProblemPie: *zing zing zing ZING ZING* **OH JESUS CHRIST THE ZING**
| 6 | 51.666667 | |
1392912228 | 1392924513 | t3_1yg629 | t5_2to41 | 73 | TheVillain117: TIFU by giving a horrible strip tease.
So my girlfriend is laying in bed last night and as I walk in (fully clothed since I was taking the trash out) I decide it would be fun to give her a sultry strip tease. So I get into it, and in my best imitation of the "happy birthday mr president" out of nowhere my brain takes a left turn and I start blurting out the Oscar Meyer weiner song in that voice. Needless to say my gf was not amused. She threw everything she could reach at me, and banned me from ever doing it again. The shame I tell you.
TLDR; sang the oscar meyer weiner song during a strip tease, made an ass of myself.
zugtug: Wait. That's not amusing to her? Serious type? I did a rendition of Meatloaf's "I would do anything for love" that culminated in me dropping to my knees and tearing my shirt in half to my ex. She talked about it for years...
l3cubed80: You had to be there, as I said below, amused and horrified.. Also, it's was actually the bologna song...
ConspicuousUsername: My bologna has a first name, it's O-s-c-a-r?
l3cubed80: Yup.
| 5 | 14.6 | |
1392910219 | 1392914987 | t3_1yg2r2 | t5_2to41 | 107 | SithLordDarthRevan: TIFU by stopping a pee midstream
Today, as I was taking a piss, I heard something loud in the other room and it startled me, causing me to stop peeing in the middle of it all. Because of that, a muscle right next to the prostate seized up and gave me the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. I immediately bent over in pain and wound up smacking my head off the bathroom counter. The pain didn't stop for another 10 or so seconds and almost had me in tears.
tl;dr - taint muscle cramped whilst peeing causing me to smack head off counter top
zugtug: I've never once pinched off mid flow without the use of my hands... that's pretty decent muscle control.
SithLordDarthRevan: I don't recommend trying it. I really don't.
zugtug: Haha. I'll take your word on that one for sure but I don't see this being an issue. I'm not a jumpy sort. Live alone in an older house so I'm used to random creaks and groans. And I'm 6'2 so that'd be one hell of a bend for me to headbutt a counter that doesn't entirely reach my waist.
SithLordDarthRevan: The cat had knocked a flashlight off the top of the refrigerator causing a loud kablam and I guess I kinda am a jumpy person. The counter comes right above my belt line. I'm 5'8
zugtug: Damn cats, right? Most of my sudden noises are due to the little spotted demon bitch of a calico I have!
SithLordDarthRevan: She's a handful..but I love her nonetheless. I have a 8 month-ish old black kitten.
| 7 | 15.285714 | |
1392908588 | 1392928862 | t3_1yg0b2 | t5_2to41 | 12 | KristyConfused: TIFU by not locking my car doors
First, a TIFU-style bit of background info that's relevant to the story: my minivan was hit yesterday in a parking lot, at about 20 miles per hour, on the passenger side. I was turning in to the lot to park when someone in a little sports car came barreling around the corner and somehow didn't see the big white van, and didn't even try to stop. The relevant part: this jammed both passenger-side doors, leaving only the driver's door and the driver's side slider as the only ways to be able to get in and out. The rear liftgate wasn't affected. But this was not my TIFU.
Yesterday, I went out with my friend, who is confined to a wheelchair and who is also transgender, like me. We went to a gay bar that we've been to before. I had one drink. She had many drinks. She got drunk, wasted, and then cut off by the bar. We left the bar at 20 after midnight. She fought me getting to the car, so even with the help of another patron at the bar it took 40 minutes to cross the parking lot to my van and get her in. We finally get her in the car and she seems to be cooperative, even helping direct me to her place. I make the turn to get on the freeway and hear a change to the sound of the road noise.
In my rearview mirror, I can see that the siding door is open. I said something like "no no no no" and start to being the car to a stop just as she falls out of the vehicle while it's going about 30 miles per hour. So I throw it into park, hit the emergency flashers, and run over to where she is. She was laying facedown so in my panic I forget the #1 rule, and turned her over. She's alive, so that's good. I ran back the car, grabbed my phone, and called 911.
Maybe it wouldn't have helped if the doors were locked, but I know that the door won't open if it's locked, even from the inside, on my car. Not even the driver's door will. So if I had locked the door, then this wouldn't have happened. Unless she figured out the door lock, which is entirely possible. So IDK.
TL;DR: I bet you thought my car got stolen based on the title. Nope. Read the damn thing.
lostdeceiver: Wow. How is she doing?
KristyConfused: She's pretty banged up, broken collar bone and road rash, but otherwise fine.
| 3 | 4 | |
1392915713 | 1392924263 | t3_1ygc27 | t5_2to41 | 24 | PropZero: TIFU by sending flowers
For background I have been friends with this girl for the past 6 years, and really was never more interested then just being friends. Well last month I had a wedding to attend, and I asked her to come as my friend-date due to just ending a 4 year relationship. She even drove out from cali to las vegas where I live to come. She stayed for 3 days with me and it was amazing. Probably one of the best times in my life so far. It was during that time I realized how amazing she really was, and how stupid I was to never realize it.
Ever since she left I haven't been able to shake her from my thoughts, and now its affecting my fwb arrangements. Because frankly I don't want anyone else now. To be honest I'm kinda freaking out cause I've never felt this way for well anyone before.
So being the rational person I am I decided I was going to confess my feelings for her. Well what better day to do it then valentines day. Knowing she didn't have anyone for that day I sent her flowers anonymously confessing my feelings. She loved it posting on Facebook, and such how romantic it was and such. Due to some family drama I wasn't able to call her and tell her it was from me. The next day I did, and basically it kind of blew her mind I guess. The last thing she said was that she needed time to "process" what happened.
That was 4 days ago now. I texted her, not obsessively just twice since then, and she hasn't responded. Really all she had to do was say no, and things would have gone back to normal. Now I just miss her as a friend, and will always kind of regret this. I don't know what to gain by posting here, maybe just a cautionary tale I guess. So yeah thanks for listening.
Also first post ever, long time lurker so if I mess up this posting thing I apologize.
soylentsandwich: Who knows maybe she just doesn't know how to move forward from there. You said she was in California and I'm just assuming you live in Vegas so what do you do now? Do you move to cali or does she move to vegas? Do you immediately move in together or try to get an apartment close to the other? Are you positive either one of you can get a new job in your field? There are just too many factors to just jump and say yes immediately. Give it some time I'm sure she'll give you a straight answer sooner than later.
PropZero: She already has entered an lease agreement on an apt here, and she is moving in march. So she was coming to live in Vegas either way. I didn't expect her to drop everything for me at all that's just weird and selfish of me to do. Just wanted to be open about things with her.
| 3 | 8 | |
1392916921 | 1392948128 | t3_1yge8b | t5_2to41 | 83 | misjudgement: TIFU on a dating site. Badly.
Earlier today, I was checking out Badoo (which is basically a sleazy version of Okcupid/classy version of Craigslist), and I came across the profile of a seemingly cool girl from the same small town as me.
Anyways, Badoo requires you to have a profile picture before you send a message, and I didn't have one yet.
So, I scrambled to find a picture to upload, and in my haste, I accidentally posted the last picture taken. A photo of my birth certificate.
Yep, I accidentally posted a photo of my birth certificate on a dating site. I deleted my profile immediately, so I figure there's a 99% chance that my stupidity will have no repercussions. And a 1% chance that someone will murder me and assume my identity.
nightpanda893: Chances are very few people saw it. Chances are even smaller that one of those people would choose to record the info and try to use it against you. The wrong person would have had to see it almost immediately and then chose, also immediately, to save the info.
misjudgement: I'm worried that my account deletion may be slow or buggy, causing my profile to stay up for a while.
[deleted]: For future reference, the response time for changing your picture would have likely been much faster.
| 4 | 20.75 | |
1392915247 | 1393552966 | t3_1ygb7x | t5_2to41 | 46 | Ferret_butt_fuck: TIFU by using the screenshot feature on my tablet
So I'm skyping with my long distance girlfriend and we start talking about seeing each other this weekend. We start talking about certain things and get a little hot if you know what I mean.
My girlfriend starts teasing me a bit skype, which she has never done before. So obviously I'm excited. She eventually lifts up her shirt and stupid me wants to savor the moment. You know where this is going. I take a screenshot. After a little bit, we stop. She asks "so you know that sound of two buttons clicking at the same time when you take a screenshot" and I was like FUCK SHIT.
Then she goes "did you take a screenshot" and I was like "uhhhh uhh....yeah. I did. I'm sorry. I can delete it if you want." Obviously I wasn't going to put it ANYWHERE else and be careful but I just felt really bad.
british_joe: So, we're going to need that screen shot to determine just how much of a fuck up it really was. She'll never find out, I swear!
Ferret_butt_fuck: Ok yeah check your PMs
dralcax: Can I see? For science?
rizwan89: Is this really happening? Are we getting the screenshot? :P
british_joe: It did not happen. I have nothing and really, I expect to get nothing.
Ferret_butt_fuck: No it's coming sorry I have slow internet
Imthedaddy11: send it here too for science ya'know
| 8 | 5.75 | |
1392912625 | 1392924447 | t3_1yg6or | t5_2to41 | 26 | notsodapperfellow: TIFU by thinking that my roommate would be away at class for a while.
I was woke up this morning by my roommate cussing up a storm. He had overslept and was late for class. I figured he would be gone for a while and decided to watch some porn and beat one out. I had my pants down and was playing with myself while looking for a good vod and that is when it happened, he unlocked the door in the blink of an eye and came in. I scrambled to pull my pants up but didn't get them up all the way because they got knotted up between my ass and my cushioned chair. I somehow managed to cover up my package with my shirt while pulling up my pants, at least I had that going for me, which is nice.
moochie94: What did your roommate do while you were struggling with your pants?
notsodapperfellow: I can only imagine because I didn't look. Him bringing up the subject has become a trepidation.
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1392920167 | 1393035161 | t3_1ygk26 | t5_2to41 | 40 | Crazedmonkey05: TIFU by replying to a post on facebook with a dark humored joke.
So I was scrolling through facebook when this girl posted "Why can't it rain men?" and before I could stop my dumbass I replied "It did, on 9/11" Turns out that her grandpa died in the Twin Towers that day. I done fucked up. Big Time. http://imgur.com/EJGuqi3
[deleted]: In your defense your response was valid. That being said, you fucked up.
Jack41096: That username. Why would that be a problem? Or is it basic reverse psychology (does it work?)
[deleted]: Pure trolling purposes. Never expected it to yield any positive results lol
| 4 | 10 | |
1392921933 | 1392922767 | t3_1ygn6s | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by not performing a factory reset on my phone.
So I've been dating this new girl for about two months, and everything is going great. Best relationship I've ever been in. She has a really crappy ancient Motorola phone, and i remembered I had an old backup phone, the original Galaxy, so I decided I would let her use it. I go through and delete all my stuff off of it.
Or so I thought.
(disappointment ahead if you're expecting porn)
In my notes, was a list of every girl I've ever been interested in/had been interested in me.
But it wasn't titled. It was just a list if girls names. What would you assume?
She texted me and said she found it And we'd talk about it later.
That was an hour ago.
Whoops.
kindwade: What is there to talk about? You tell her the truth and move on. If she gets mad dump her and be thankful you saved yourself from wasting anymore time on a relationship that was going to fail anyway.
How is this a TIFU? This was before your relationship, you aren't calling those girls now and it was an old phone. There is nothing embarrassing or incriminating in your post so again how is this a TIFU?
[deleted]: I don't anticipate it being a big deal. But... It's kinda douchey to have something like that
| 3 | 2 | |
1392922439 | 1392955165 | t3_1ygo2a | t5_2to41 | 64 | Seethsayer: TIFU: Got too drunk, Pissed in my own face.
Last night I got drunk. Way too drunk. White chick drunk. Had to take a piss, but was wobbling pretty badly. Easy fix, I'll just sit and pee like a girl.
I pulled my pants down, went to sit, and stumbled. My ass hit the toilet seat, but my momentum kept carrying me so I ripped the seat off and ended up on my back next to the toilet. Pissing. Pissing straight into the air and into my own face.
porcia918: >White chick drunk.
I'll just sit and pee like a girl
>I ripped the seat off and ended up on my back next to the toilet
So, what you're saying is - don't drink and pee like a girl, when you're a guy.
Seethsayer: Correct. Pissing on a toilet seat is a better option than your own face.
boomer478: Next time just piss into the tub, then you don't have to aim at all!
| 4 | 16 | |
1392920654 | 1392946085 | t3_1ygkx9 | t5_2to41 | 10 | HooksFourHands: TIFU by getting creeped out by spam texts
This morning I woke up to find I had five new texts. All of them were from the same number, and they sounded like some perv trying desperately to hit on me. This "person" claimed they saw my picture on Facebook and wanted to chat.
I asked all my friends to un-tag me from photos, and ended up doing it myself. I no longer have any.
Cut to three hours later, having looked up this phone number and conferred with other people that it is, in fact, spam. Fuck. Now I have to ask everybody to re-tag me if I want anything back.
The problem: some of these pictures were from years ago and I'm no longer friends with the people who tagged me.
TL;DR: Got string of pervy texts, flipped out, removed all pictures of myself from social media. Now going to have to try to get them back.
NibbleFish: Next time, if you like a picture of yourself that you're in, save it to your hard drive as soon as someone posts it. Why rely on other people to maintain pictures of you?
HooksFourHands: I didn't particularly want them there in the first place, but since I'm hardly ever on Facebook anymore, I let it slide.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1392919210 | 1393580322 | t3_1ygi8l | t5_2to41 | 9 | EPIDIDYMIS_HUMMUS: TIFU by eating Subway.
Me and my buddies decided to go to subway yesterday. It was actually pretty good.
But late last night, food poisoning reared it's ugly head. I vomited 4 times last night, and got explosive diarrhea on top of it. I still feel really shitty today, having lost sleep and feeling a little nauseous. Guess I won't be eating at Subway for awhile.
That_Deaf_Guy: Damn, food poisoning from subway? Genuinely never heard of that!
Imthedaddy11: HAHA... I see what you did there
That_Deaf_Guy: Shit that was unintentional haha!
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1392920144 | 1393197556 | t3_1ygk05 | t5_2to41 | 41 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally handing in homework with dog shit on it
Seeing as though I commute to school, I usually keep all my books scattered in the back seat of my car. I had a lab book for a higher level kinesiology class back there that I had to hand in today. Since its not an intro class, the professor expects everything to be neat and organized and apparently clean of any and all fecal matter. Well I took my dog for a walk (Siberian Husky) and didn't think to move my books. He stepped on it, leaving a giant brown paw print. Thinking it was only mud and not taking the time to smell it, I wiped it off quickly and handed it in earlier today. My professor emailed me asking if I knew what was on my lab book, so I replied apologizing about the muddy foot print. He then replied saying that he could smell the poop on it and he was sure it was not mud and that he threw it out. Now I have to buy a new book for $60.
Tl;dr Handed in a shit stained lab and it cost me a new video game.
porcia918: >Tl;dr Handed in a shit stained lab and it cost me a new video game.
I like that you think of currency in terms of 'Number of Video Games'
So, a car would cost you about 416 video games. A house, about 6,666 video games.
ThatGenericUserYT: 1 PC game=$30
1 Console game=$60
| 3 | 13.666667 | |
1392928035 | 1392929815 | t3_1ygycz | t5_2to41 | 29 | uncomfortably_dumb: TIFU by cleaning my razor.
This was a few years back, decided to share with my new Reddit account.
One weekday morning, while preparing for school, I decided that it was time to take my bi-monthly shave. I was not a very swarthy dude at this time, so shaving needed to be done very infrequently.
Naturally, I lathered up, with a shaving cream that promised the maximum amount of skin protection that could be offered with such a product. The razor, a Gillete Mach 5 2010 (very good year for razors) plucked from the plastic holder, run under water and then applied to my shaving cream-moisturized face. The hair fell from my face, leaving me looking revitalized and fresh, every woman's ~~dream man~~ image of a scrawny, baby-faced teenager.
[Everything was coming up Milhouse.](http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_xZ5jdih-SWM/TTuOfjGaz2I/AAAAAAAABC0/ukI93VDJZrs/s400/VwRBsSeANjtx6f70ag6eFsFxo1_400.jpg) Things, however took a turn for the worse. In the midst of wrangling my right sideburn down to size, I noticed that the razor had become clogged with the aforementioned sideburn hair. Obviously, I made the choice to run the razor under water whilst shaking the razor to attempt to clear the offending follicles. Alas, my effort was in vain, and the dastardly devils remained within the confines of 5 ultra-thin, evenly spaced blades.
At this point, I determined that I needed to take more drastic steps to clear the hair. Here is where this becomes a normal story about a young boy removing stray hairs from his face, and turns into a story suitable for this subreddit. While looking around the bathroom for a tool to clear the gossamer threads that are my hair from the razor, I noticed my right thumb. [I pressed my right thumb, pad down, against the sharp edges of the razor.](http://i.imgur.com/LaIqjz1.jpg)I then *draaaaaagggggeeeddd* my thumb across the razor in an attempt to clear the hair. This worked spectacularly to clear the hair. Although a side effect was my thumb having five cuts along the pad of it. It rapidly became obvious to me that my thumb was not, in fact, the tool to use. This was dude to a) the sheer pain I experienced along the tip of my thumb, and b) by the blood my thumb was ejecting onto the porcelain of the family bathroom sink.
Luckily, my sister was close at hand, and after asking to get a band-aid, I was bandaged up, ready to continue my shave ~~like a warrior~~ while wincing every time my cut thumb bumped the razor.
It took almost two weeks to heal, and I treat razors with far more respect now.
En0ch_Root: Come on now
I hear you're feeling down
I can ease your pain
And get you on your feet again
Relax
I'll need some information first
Just the basic facts
Can you show me where it hurts
There is no pain, you are receding
A distant ship smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying
When I was a child I had a fever
My hands felt just like two balloons
Now I've got that feeling once again
I can't explain, you would not understand
This is not how I am
I have become uncomfortably_dumb
uncomfortably_dumb: Shh, you've given away how I came up with my username!
| 3 | 9.666667 | |
1392930455 | 1392937364 | t3_1yh2vz | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by asking a girl I really like out.
Backstory: So yeah, compared to most of the shit here this is nothing, but none the less my 16 year old head of an idiot feels the need to atleast get it of my chest.
So theres me, I'm overweight pretty anti-social and a terrible interpreter of women. Cliche fuck up waiting to happen right? Anyway, I missed out on the past two years of school, so when I decided to say fuck it and come back and ace my 11/12 classes, everyone knew me, but I didn't really know anyone. Even though I had been going to school with these guys for however many years, two years off kinda kills 90% of the friendships you have.
Anyway, to the actual story. Theres this girl in my class, lets call her E, now E is the nicest person you will ever meet, and I'm not kidding you could do something so wrong that would set her back fifteen steps and she wouldn't even care, selfless and caring I guess is how I would describe her. Anyway, my fat ass gets attracted to her, she is atleast 8/10 for me, but I could see people not liking her too. Anyway because I'm a chickenshit I cant possibly admit that I like her in person, that would be to normal. So I made some quick art (We are both "artistic" so I thought that this would be an alright ice-breaker or a terrible beginning to an awkward friendship which it turned into.) and admit to her my feelings. Its worth noting that E can get on the computer very much at home, as she has a huge fucking week plan. So anyway, I send her the art and a message explaining my feelings on facebook. Now, I was pretty much a nervous wreck the next day, wondering if she had seen it but not clicked the message for way too fucking long.
Anyway, after a while I begin to relax again, and I attempt to act normal around E for as long as possible, because I realised that I had probably fucked whatever chance I had up, so lets spend some time together when it isnt awkward. Fast forward to last night and she was finally able to see the message, she doesnt like me I was pretty much expecting that by the end of all of this, but she hopes we can still be friends and I hope so too. But god fucking dammit, I cant stop thinking about how much I just fucked up, like really really fucked up. Look, I don't want advice, not like you can dig a hole deeper to get out of it, so I think imma just wing it and see what today is like.
And you know what really fucking hurts? The fact that even when rejecting me it was so fucking nice, inhuman to be honest with you, I'm not even angry at her, just myself. And I'm also worried that I will be the one to fuck whatever friendship is left, I really do like her, and even if its the friendzone its better than not even being able to talk to her.
Tldr; I pretty much fucked up at school relationships, nothing big but now I feel terrible.
SenseiCAY: Alright, so you didn't post here asking for advice, but I'm going to give you a couple of things that wish I knew when I was 16 and similar to you, so now, you'll know.
First of all, you didn't fuck up by asking her out.
You fucked up by not asking her out. "Admitting" your feelings to someone is a really heavy thing to do. They're on the spot and have to either reciprocate or reject you right there, and it's sort of awkward either way, especially if you're already fawning over her. Most relationships don't start that way. It's on par with asking someone to marry you after dating for a month. Maybe not quite that heavy, but it's a huge leap, nonetheless. The most tried and true way to date someone is to actually ask them on a date. Not hanging out. Not getting together. A date. That says that you're interested in them, and you'd like to get to know them better. If you already know them very well, then you've probably waited too long to ask for a date. That's how you get to know someone and decide if you like them or not.
Secondly, get your shit together. You sound like you wouldn't want to date yourself. Would the female version of yourself date your current self? I think the answer is a pretty clear no, since you admit to being overweight, anti-social, awkward, and terrible at interpreting women, and even a "fuck up waiting to happen." Why would anyone date you? If you can't give yourself five good reasons why someone might be attracted to you (and being nice isn't one of them...anyone and their grandmother can do that), then you need to make some changes and improve yourself. Lose weight, pick up some hobbies that you truly enjoy, dress well, figure out how to talk to people (tone down the profanity, for Pete's sake...more than 1 out of 40 words in your post were either "shit" or "fuck." I know you're sort of on edge, and a little profanity for emphasis is OK, but a lot can make people uncomfortable), and so on.
So where do you go from here? You are no more obligated to be her friend than she is obligated to date you. If it hurts to be just friends with her, then don't. It's nobody's fault that you like her and she doesn't like you back in that way. If you're OK with being friends with her, knowing that it won't ever progress beyond that, then by all means, keep her around. It sounds shitty, but it's for your own good. When I learned to take a step back from certain people that had either rejected me or otherwise expressed disinterest, everything became a lot clearer for me and I was able to finally do things for my own happiness again, and my sanity returned to me.
Now about dating, the thing is, until you become someone that you, yourself, would honestly want to date, then you won't have any luck with any women who are worth dating. Someone posted on /r/dating_advice the other day, saying that they realized that dating isn't about chasing women. It's about attraction. Are you an attractive person? If not, what, within your own control, can you change? For every attribute of yourself that you don't currently like, you have to either change it for the positive, or become secure about it.
OK, I'm done. I must go back to the future to age 27 again.
TehSlenderMan: This is fantastic advice. I'd give gold if I had money. Keep it up man.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1392933565 | 1392996648 | t3_1yh8t1 | t5_2to41 | 28 | NiceGuysFinishLast: TIFU by doing my job better than the machine that does my job. Now I have to do more of that job.
I'm a machinist. I make medical devices, and among the 2000+ products we sell, we make a bunch of drivers. Basically long metal tubes that either turn a screw, pass a suture into a wound, or do both (or other crazy shit you wouldn't believe).
We sometimes weld these in two parts, and after welding, they have to be straightened. We have two automatic straighteners that cost beaucoup bucks. Both are down right now as for some reason, they can't straighten drivers to within our specifications.
We have manual straighteners that do the same thing, but require an operator (read: meatpuppet, like myself) to do the bending/checking of the parts.
The automatic machines do about 1000pcs per 10 hour shift. That's a machine, running along at exactly the same rate, for exactly 10 hours. No breaks, no distractions, no variations.
Most people straighten about 600 parts in a 10 hour shift (They ask us for 60/hr, 1 a minute)...
Today, in an 8 hour shift, where I have 30 mins of break, and 30 minutes of setup/prep time (so really, a slightly less than 7 hour shift), I did 1100 parts.
It impressed everyone, including the department head. She told me she can't wait to see how many I can do tomorrow.
Fuck, I'd rather be doing my normal job, as this one is boring. I screwed myself into automatically being selected for something I hate by being good at it....
CaptStegs: Challenge the Department Head to a duel to see who can straighten the most parts.
^^Winner ^^gets ^^to ^^be ^^department ^^head.
NiceGuysFinishLast: Funny thing is, she sat down for (literally) 5 minutes, worked her ass off, and decided to multiply that number by 12, to decide how many parts we should make during a shift. Yeah, we can all keep up the pace you did for 5 minutes.
Dumbass.
TectonicWafer: I hate it when managers do that.
| 4 | 7 | |
1392924832 | 1393264443 | t3_1ygsf6 | t5_2to41 | 15 | cht93: TIFU by running out of patience
So my university has two roads leaving campus toward my apartment, the only ways past the railyard that borders campus. One's a bridge over the yard, one has a few sets of tracks across it. I took the route with the tracks.
I get to the tracks while a train is crossing. "This shouldn't take too long." I decide to park and shut the car down. A few minutes later, the train stops across the road. Five minutes later "I should probably turn around." I figure it'll be faster to cut across campus and take the bridge. A van fills in the only exit I have as soon as this occurrs to me. Five minutes later, I notice a large gap behind me, back up to try and fit behind the van. Can't make the turn. Truck a lane over sees what I was doing and backs up. I back through gap, turn around, and floor it to cut across campus. Right as a train gets to that road (there's tracks everywhere). I look in the rearview. First train's moving again.
Story of my life.
unceunceunce: This happens to me every time I merge into a different lane on the freeway in traffic, I've learned to just accept it now.
dickr0t: People switching lanes to try to avoid traffic jams are part of the reason for traffic jams. Just stay in your lane, we'll all get there faster.
| 3 | 5 | |
1392924583 | 1393137247 | t3_1ygrxd | t5_2to41 | 10 | zweischeisse: TIFU by not controlling an innocuous habit
This is more funny than a fuck-up. In fact, its arguably not a fuck up, since there was no fallout. Thought you guys might enjoy it, though.
First, the habit: After someone refers to object X as adjective/descriptor Y, I frequently will respond with the phrase "*You're* a Y," in an attempt to force illogical/nonsensical double entendres ("That's a hot chair!" "*You're* a hot chair!"). Over a couple of years, this has become a habit for me when I'm around my wife and she pretty much always finds them funny, whether because one is actually funny or because it's so stupid.
Well last night, we were leaving the parking lot of a Walgreens and she thought I was going the wrong way, so she said "That's the drive-through pharmacy." I, of course, automatically responded with "*You're* a drive..." and stopped what I said short, realizing I fucked up ("Shouldn't have said that. Should NOT have said that."). Her, knowing me, autocompleted what I was about to say, "*You're* a drive-through pharmacy."
The fuck up is that my wife is on a myriad of antidepressants and antianxiety medications, so she basically has a miniature pharmacy and she's moderately sensitive about it. Fortunately, she takes those sayings as the jokes they are and merely gave me a sardonic pouty-face the entire ride home.
Kittypie070: [http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/cat_proximity.png]
Relevant??
xkcd_transcriber: [Original Source](http://xkcd.com/231/)
**Title:** Cat Proximity
**Title-text:** Yes you are! And you're sitting there! Hi, kitty!
[Comic Explanation](http://www.explainxkcd.com/wiki/index.php?title=231#Explanation)
**Stats:** This comic has been referenced 36 time(s), representing 0.3374% of referenced xkcds.
---
^[Questions/Problems](http://www.reddit.com/r/xkcd_transcriber/) ^| ^[Website](http://xkcdref.info/statistics/) ^| ^[StopReplying](http://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=xkcd_transcriber&subject=ignore%20me&message=ignore%20me)
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1392935307 | 1392950723 | t3_1yhc0w | t5_2to41 | 25 | [deleted]: TIFU by shitting my pants in fear on my way up the stairs.
So I've been having troubles with diarrhea lately and I just wanted something to drink from downstairs. In our house we have lamps on timers. The one in the hallway leading to the kitchen turns off at 10pm. So it's about 9:57 and I head down for a drink...
What I didn't say was how I spent the last 10-15 minutes ,before heading downstairs, browsing this thread: http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1yfx50/what_is_the_scariest_gif_you_know/
SO I was on edge, but the lamp was on in the hallway so it's all good. That lamp keeps the stairs lit up too, so I'd make my way down the stairs and into the kitchen in the light, then I'd turn the kitchen lights on. So even though I was on edge, it was light so I was fine.
I started to head back upstairs with all these horrific gifs printed into my memory. Annnnnd the lamp turns off right behind me. You know that feeling you get when you have to leave a dark room in your house and it feels like a murderer is behind you so you hop-walk out of the room? Well I got that feeling, on steroids, because the light had turned itself off behind me. I forgot about the timer and proceeded to literally shit my pants halfway up the stairs, spilling my milkshake, because of some stupid fucking gif.
I shamefully made my way to the toilet and cleaned myself off. No more creepy shit at night, especially when I have diarrhea.
FlyingSquidOlives: Just reading this scared me. I have some serious paranoia. O__O
[deleted]: Yep. I feel you there! Every time I have to walk through the dark house, there's apparently some angry demon monster chasing me.
FlyingSquidOlives: Sucks because my bathroom is down the faulty basement stairs, through the long thin square off-white "walls-are-falling-apart" hallway, and then next to that one open doorless room with no light because its angled weird so light doesn't shine in at all. I have to call a friend everytime ;_______;
[deleted]: I feel so bad for you. You have it so much worse than me, accompanied by paranoia I think I'd call a friend too!
| 5 | 5 | |
1392949959 | 1393292406 | t3_1yi0pl | t5_2to41 | 83 | Adam300: TIFU by sending a picture of my fully erect penis to my Mum
Recently, I have decided to grow my beard out, which I have never done before. I live away from home at university so I don't see my Mum for months at a time, so when I told he over the phone that I had started growing my beard she demanded that she see a picture. Whilst attempting to send a photo of my furry face, I jokingly, in front of a friend, clicked on a photo I took of my "chunky monkey" that I had taken to send to my girlfriend. I didn't realise it would send straight away.
TIFU, today my Mum saw my erect penis at the age of 21.
holnrew: Lets just hope she doesn't "return the favour"
nowonmai: If op saw his mum's erect penis, that would be a whole other class of problem.
ThatGenericUserYT: His mom has a penis?
| 4 | 20.75 | |
1392951987 | 1393013019 | t3_1yi407 | t5_2to41 | 35 | nixcrawler: TIFU by getting a hanging wedgie... from myself.
On nice days like today my friends and I like to meet up at this park near my house and just chill and maybe play some ultimate frisbee after school. I live really close to the park, so I usually just walk there, but I approach the park from the back. There is a fence around the whole thing so in order to get IN to the park I have to hop the fence.
Well today as I climbed the six-foot chain link fence instead of simply swinging my leg over the top I took a break to look out over the park... I would soon learn that this pause was a painful mistake. After I swung my second leg over I looked down and jumped as I do every time I go over the fence. The only problem was that when I had sat down and then moved my leg over the fence my briefs had somehow gotten stuck on the top chains. And in case you were wondering, YES, I wear briefs because they are extremely comfortable.
As I fell I felt a sensation I had not felt since my days in elementary school, my briefs slid straight up my butt. My briefs caught my fall, hard and the pain was immediate. I was literally hanging from a fence being supported only by my briefs (which were now more of a thong). As quickly as I could I reached back to unhook my briefs and finished my fall.
**TL;DR** I jumped off of a fence with my briefs attached and got a hanging wedgie.
Wow. Hanging wedgies suck really bad. Do not recommend.
porcia918: I would pay for a picture of that.
nixcrawler: I bet you can find plenty of pictures of hanging wedgies haha: http://media.urbandictionary.com/image/page/hangingwedgie-42221.jpg
porcia918: hilarious!!
[deleted]: now pay up, bitch.
nixcrawler: Lol, maybe if I didn't wear briefs it wouldn't have been so bad
| 6 | 5.833333 | |
1392955094 | 1392997693 | t3_1yi8yf | t5_2to41 | 2,972 | lozerz: TIFU by buying a pregnancy test on Amazon.
Who I am - 19 year old female college student.
Straight up - my periods are irregular.
I had been feeling sick (tired, cold, lethargic, sharp pains, woozy) lately and hadn't had my period in over two months. I decided, hey I should buy a pregnancy test- just incase.
So mistake number one, buying a pregnancy test on amazon.
Get my period 2 days after I order the test.
Today, I receive a phone call from my dad asking if I ordered anything from amazon:
"Just books, why?"
"Anything else"
"No"
"Really? Then why is there a box here with your name on it that says (brand name) pregnancy test."
"I don't know"
"You don't know"
"No"
Mistake number two accidentally shipping the pregnancy test to my families home instead of my apartment.
"I'm telling your mother"
Mom gets on the phone:
"You're pregnant? ...you're sexually active?! I thought better of you, are you a slut?"
Initiate mom crying.
From here I trying to dig myself out of this hole and explain that it was a precautionary measure, but I am a slut (kidding I have a boyfriend who they have never met but who they will now judge). She still believes I am pregnant, a liar, and a slut. And she thinks I am getting an abortion.
Thanks amazon for not wrapping the box (and my idiot self for not checking the mailing address). At least I'm not pregnant.
Edit: Formating
TPCTimesThree: "You're pregnant? ...you're sexually active?! I thought better of you, are you a slut?"
Jesus fucking christ. No one should ever feel ashamed of their sexuality. Your mom is being a jerk. I hope things get better for you.
Ghost17088: Jerk? More like a controlling emotionally abusive cunt.
OP: Take comfort in the fact that you get to shoos her retirement home.
Samonuh: Imagine having a daughter. Now imagine a dude ramming her from behind. Your daughter. That makes any parent uncomfortable.
Kreepygamer: As a father of two girls (1month old, 2 yr old) I can agree that it would make me unbearably uncomfortable to find out this information. But calling your own child a slut and degrading them because they were cautious and purchased a pregnancy test is definitely being an emotionally abusive cunt.
Samonuh: I wasn't supporting the mother calling her a slut. But I'm just putting it into perspective. You literally said the exact same point I did, but I got massively downvoted while you got massively upvoted. I don't get it.
zweischeisse: Because the two of you *didn't* literally say the exact same thing. You left out the entirety of this sentiment: "But calling your own child a slut and degrading them because they were cautious and purchased a pregnancy test is definitely being an emotionally abusive cunt," leaving only this part, "I can agree that it would make me unbearably uncomfortable to find out this information." Thus, it seems that by omitting the former key portion, you are endorsing OPs mother calling her a slut.
Samonuh: Okay, well I clarified my position and I'm still getting downvoted, which proves that reddit is full of mindless monkeys willing to give into mob mentality at any minute.
zweischeisse: The first post is still being downvoted because you didn't clarify in *it*, so it's still (for lack of a more descriptive word) *bad*.
Your clarification is being downvoted because it makes you look like you're backpedaling, which apparently always gets you downvoted on Reddit (I've been there).
Samonuh: Fuck it, this thread's pissed me off enough. I need to get off reddit for a while.
| 10 | 297.2 | |
1392960473 | 1393014881 | t3_1yigwd | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by laughing at my friend in history
There i was with my friends in history and we were going around the class reading about the Australian history of aboriginal rights and after a while it gets to me. I have to read about the stolen generations which is a horrible thing Australia did where they took all half blood Aboriginal children away from their parents to try to make them white. When i'm reading to the class or doing public speaking i get set off easily (laughing) I was trying to get through it quickly as i hate reading to the class, this caused my friend to laugh so i started giggling slightly and tried my best to stop and explain but i just couldn't and to make matters worse their was an aboriginal person in the class. I feel terrible about it and it only happened 90 minutes ago.
baldeagle1776: American. Does not compute.
TechnicalPony: I guess it'd be like reading about native americans, and how white people took their children to 'educate them', but more like whiten them up. Now start to giggle through it, and have a native in your class.
ProblemPie: HAR GENOCIDE.
No but seriously, I do this all the time. Dark things that are terrible and awful make me laugh, but it's like a, "Wow, I cannot believe how terrible this is, what is wrong with us," sardonic laugh. I've learned to immediately begin saying things like, "This is unbelievable, what the hell," through my chuckle, and people usually just nod in agreement.
TechnicalPony: I think it's because laughing is simply a nervous reaction, and topics like this do make people nervous :/
potato99: Hopefully the person thought it was that
| 6 | 2.166667 | |
1392960229 | 1392965205 | t3_1yigjx | t5_2to41 | 2 | Kittypie070: TIFU by not installing Silverlight
...and how if I do not have it installed or want it installed on this new computer which I recieved as a gift some months ago, I am an "idiot", a "jug-arsed pig", a "f**kin Luddite", I am "painfully stupid with computers", and I do not like free speech.
This, earlier today, from the same person who bought it and paid the shipping for the thing and sent it to me.
Maybe I just don't understand what a gift is.
I don't feel good right now.
GreyReaper: Doesnt matter, free computer
Kittypie070: :/
GreyReaper: Crazy people :D
Kittypie070: But it wasn't funny at all :(
| 5 | 0.4 | |
1392970544 | 1393025122 | t3_1yirvj | t5_2to41 | 110 | periodTW2014: [NSFL] TIFU by not sitting down when I removed a feminine hygiene product.
So I'm a woman and our bodies do this thing on average once a month where we shed the linings of our internal organs. Cool.
My body is currently going through this process of removing blood and tissue in a painful, messy manner when I went about the regular changing of my tampon. I prefer these because using pads means it all just comes out and you sit in it and walk around in your fucking blood and organs and I'm not a real fan of this.
So usually, I sit on the toilet to do this because a little blood comes out and it can get messy sometimes. Today, I fucked up bad. My flow is generally light. I get cramps like a champ but there's not often a huge mess to go with it. Until today. Because I was going straight into the shower, I thought I'd just whip that baby out, dispose of it, then go on my merry way.
Wrong.
As I pulled it out, SOMEHOW it was still slightly dry and pulled a little on my inner walls as it came out. So it hurt. Not only that, but a HUGE WAVE OF BLOOD CAME FLOODING OUT WITH IT, ALONG WITH A JUICY THREAD OF INTERNAL ORGANS. It went **everywhere**. It was on the floor. It was on my feet, my legs, and running down my thigh. Some splattered onto the toilet and there were even a few drops on the wall.
I don't know how it happened. I don't know why. I just stared for a full minute registering what happened. Blood. Organ shedding. Everywhere.
Finally I got moving and cleaned it up and proceeded to my shower, but you can bet your ass I'm never going to stand up when I take out a tampon ever again.
**edit** Just for clarification, no actual organs/vaginal wall came out with the tampon. /u/Titaniium is correct, I was exaggerating a little. It was all just blood and period (i.e. uterus lining tissue). The dryness of the side of the tampon just made it hurt when it came out, which I'm sure many female users can relate to.
slothra2: And I thought dry tampons were only psychologically torturous...that they posed no real danger. The reality is more horrifying than what I imagined.
Titaniium: I don't think she actually ripped out her inner vag... I think she's just using the hyperbole for period tissue and stuff. I do it with my girlfriends.
Still nasty though D:
slothra2: I hope so :O
| 4 | 27.5 |
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