start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1392970864 | 1392987327 | t3_1yis5z | t5_2to41 | 36 | jbpp: TIFU, on Valentine's day, gave too intimate of a card to a friend
I gave several of my female friends V-day cards, all using pizza puns.
One being, "I love you hot or cold".
Apparently it didn't go over well because she has acted weird around me ever since.
an_ill_mallard: Admit it,friend, you were just casting your nets wide hoping one of them would...bite.
ManicMuffin: Shhhhh, they don't need to know that.
| 3 | 12 | |
1392973400 | 1393006324 | t3_1yiu7p | t5_2to41 | 22 | Sassaboss: tifu a new relationship by intruding on girls night
So, seeing this amazing girl lately. Totally infatuated with her. We make plans to hang out, then she cancels on me and says she has to hang out with her roommates for girls night. So I get pretty bummed and call my friend to hang out. We go to a bar, one thing leads to another and I start drunk texting the girl who I haven't stopped thinking about. So I convince my friend to drive me to the bar where she and her friends are, and it seems fine, she seems happy to see me. We go our separate ways and then she calls me and tells me to come over. This is where the fuck up begins.
I make a TOTAL ASS out of myself by being belligerently drunk, loud, stupid, everything I would never want to be around a girl I'm desperately trying to impress. To top off the night I puke in her room and pass out on the couch with no pants on.
I'm fairly certain she'll never talk to me again. I fucked up Reddit, I fucked up big time.
[deleted]: Thank you for not shitting your pants. Now I can take the night off to be with my wife as opposed to having to reset the counter...
Zintilyaspin: I'm assuming that's a large part of your life from your username.
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1392968562 | 1392978315 | t3_1yiq4e | t5_2to41 | 29 | [deleted]: TIFU Pushing my self too far to impress a few girls
Due to my class schedule and the MIA/OKC game. If I wanted to play basketball today and catch the games today, I only had time for one meal, breakfast. Hunger is typically never a problem but only having one meal meal means I've only had one glass of water between 8am and 6pm plus I've been showing some signs of dehydration lately. I think you can see where this is going.
Showing up to the gym I see a cute girl (call her M) that I share lecture with and remember that she has club basketball practice today. It's not that I would date her or anything but I but I would get some satisfaction out of successfully crossing someone up while she was watching. She lets me know that most of her club isn't going to show up so she may just come over to the regular court (where I was playing) and play pickup games. Imagine the prayers that I'm internally making.
I warm up then then get into a game. Halfway through, M and three of her smoking hot teammates show up on the court. The game ends and my team loses. I played okay, a bit rusty, a bit winded, but nothing a second game couldn't fix, I felt fine.
Just my luck, for my second game, both teams each consisted of two of hot club players and three other guys. I actually landed on the team with M. Playing on teams with that many girls (who are actually talented) is interesting and I would recommend doing it at least once. Anyways, I begin to feel my leg calf cramp a little up and should and should have had some one sub in for me. But my head is saying I haven't done anything to impress the girls yet. I decide I'll stick only to being a spot up shooter (why am I doing this while playing with girls?) to save my calves for playing defense. I get through the game, we win.
I quit while I was ahead right? Wrong. I know my problems are coming from dehydration so I decide to spend the five minutes between my second and third games stretching and drinking from the fountain. The next game its me, another guy, and three of the girls including M against five dudes. Now I'm required to be physical on both sides of the ball. Every time my calf begins to feel a bit funny I slow down down until I begins to feel better. Its an endless cycle of mild pain.
While rocketing a pass to a cutter, it happens. I hit the ground writhing in pain due to a massive Charley horse. Luckily one of my opponents knew what to do (probably an RN or PT major) and started to message and stretch my leg to where within a minute or two, I was able to slowly limp backwards to the side line.
I couldn't walk so I was stuck in the gym for about another 15 minutes before walking three blocks, downhill and in the cold with shorts on to get to my apartment. Yeah, I missed the start of the MIA/OKC game and never scored a single point in either game to impress those girls.
TL:DR Played basketball dehydrated and got the biggest Charley horse a nearby PT had ever seen.
Sorry for typos its 2:30 am when I'm submitting this.
CuriousCursor: That happens due to dehydration?
Sir, you have fixed one of my biggest problems. Thank you!
[deleted]: That and potassium. No really, eat a few bananas every now and then!
CuriousCursor: Will do, since they're one of the few fruits that I like!
Be careful next time though, you might impress her unexpectedly some day :)
| 4 | 7.25 | |
1392983086 | 1393056298 | t3_1yj1r5 | t5_2to41 | 107 | ItsTheGodFather: TIFU by telling a black interviewer I like George Zimmerman.
I went for an interview for a Musical Arts course at university and during the interview the University representative asked "Who is your favorite composer?". I had prepared for this question and was going to confidently say "Hans Zimmer". However my brain was decided to fuck with me and the name George Zimmerman accidentally tumbled out of my mouth instead.
The interviewer was African American.
To make matters worse my brain realized the mistake and it decided to fuck with me again and I shouted "Shit! Sorry!" just loud enough so the people in the waiting room could hear, just my luck that the head of Performing Arts was in there and he stuck his head into the interview room to see if everything was okay.
I didn't get a place on the course.
Noumenology: Doesn't Hans Zimmer do film scores? Wouldn't you have been better off naming a "real" composer anyway?
thepertree: Hans Zimmer does contemporary work too outside of moves, either way he's a real composer. John Williams does film scores too but also used to be the head of the Boston Pops
Noumenology: Thanks for this - my thinking was that Zimmer was only a film composer and that the Uni rep would have been more impressed or satisfied with a "safe" answer like Ravel or something.
thepertree: Oh I fully agree, unless I had an amazing reason why, I'd prob go with a safer choice myself.
| 5 | 21.4 | |
1392991885 | 1393033874 | t3_1yjaer | t5_2to41 | 50 | Sir_Dude: TIFU by thinking about my girlfriend while in the bathroom at work.
This happened about 5 minutes ago.
So I sat down in a stall to do my business and I was thinking about this upcoming Saturday when my new GF and I will get to spend some *quality time* together.
Well, I got a boner as I was peeing and it began pointing at an upward angle and I began pissing over the edge of the toilet and onto my pants. A bit shot so far forward it went out of the stall.
Yeah, there's a nice wet spot in my underpants. Thankfully not much on my jeans.
Luckily I drink tons of water so my pee was clear and I don't think it will smell too bad.
I'm going to hide here for a few minutes so it can dry off a bit, then hopefully leave work at noon and work from home this afternoon.
PinkBootedBandit: i cant pee when i have a boner. is that normal?
wrectangle: Sounds like a personal problem.
FredlyDaMoose: Nothing is personal on the internet.
| 4 | 12.5 | |
1393014421 | 1393021676 | t3_1ykc4g | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU 17 years old and my mom found out about shower sex with gf
It happened through the stupidest thing. Gf went home and her mom found a bit of jizz in her hair she hadn't brushed out, forced to tell her everything she ends up telling her mom about having sex in the shower and my couch. Her mom tell mine, moms ordering a new couch as we speak.
Shower sex is awesome though.
[deleted]: ordering a new couch smgdh
crozbrobro: Gets dirty dishes, buys new dishes
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1393015328 | 1393073101 | t3_1ykdqs | t5_2to41 | 39 | Super_Pinky11: TIFU by using some Vick's VapoRub.
...Well, okay, this was last night...but still.
I had a really stuffy nose last night and decided that I needed to somehow take care of this problem. After browsing the medicine cabinet, I found some Vick's VapoRub. On my quest for sweet relief, I decided to rub some not just under my nose, but also put a little bit in the bottom of each nostril as well.
Good idea, right? No...HOLY SHIT.
I somehow forgot that this stuff has menthol in it (didn't smell it because the rub is a little on the old side). I subconsciously sniffled and got some of that up my nose and down my throat...and even my eyeballs were burning. For the next 15 minutes, I flushed my eyes and drank cold water to try and mitigate the burning sensation that left the aforementioned hotter than the asshole of a dying star.
Note to Self: VapoRub in the nose...never again.
Ian_Itor: I could have sworn you rubbed some on your dick when I read the title. Somehow your story is a letdown, OP. You should have fucked up more than that.
Super_Pinky11: 1. I'm a girl.
2. Gross.
3. It's still a fuck up.
4. This subreddit is not a dick contest. It's not about whose fuck up is bigger than the other. Sure, some are worse than others, but I'm not out to profess my self righteousness.
Marshie32: *Dick measuring contest
What's wrong with some healthy competition??
IAmJanosch: Girls just don't understand sometimes
lindzasaurusrex: Hey hey, personally as a girl I love dick measuring contests.
Marshie32: Kinky
| 7 | 5.571429 | |
1393022222 | 1393100676 | t3_1ykpq7 | t5_2to41 | 47 | [deleted]: TIFU by reading TIFU
Lets set the scene.
I be chilling in the living room, catching up an that reddity goodness. Mum on the other sofa watching some tele.
So I'm browsing through the hall of fame of TIFU, not paying attention to the tv, when i stumble across [this](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/19qpxe/tifu_by_causing_my_girlfriend_to_get_attacked_by/). Cue much laughter and tears.
Then I hear "What the hell is wrong with you ToothpasteSalesman".
I refocus on the television and what do i find? The news is on. its doing a story on [this](http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-south-yorkshire-26293350?).
Much judging
Many shame
I think my mum is downstairs talking to a psychiatrist on the phone.
**TL;DR I accidentally laughed at a hot pussy infront of my mum**
[deleted]: Only 2 type of people in the world that say "I be chilling" Black people and white people from London. :P
[deleted]: white person from the midlands who wishes he was from london (or basically anywhere with something interesting)
[deleted]: LOL...where is midlands? In Europe somewhere?
[deleted]: http://www.saleroom.co/img/uk_region_map.jpg
[deleted]: Its England. A small island. Its probably like a 5 minute walk to London for you. (How small all us Americans think England is) :)
[deleted]: hour drive.
| 7 | 6.714286 | |
1392990641 | 1393293847 | t3_1yj901 | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by using my freshly boiled jug as a Vaporizer for clearing my mucus.
It turns out if you sneeze while a freshly boiled jug (hot metal) is close to your face, you can smash your face into and burn yourself at the same time...
ThatGenericUserYT: You are an idiot.
onepennytoomany: Yes, Yes I am.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1393025611 | 1393070753 | t3_1ykvf0 | t5_2to41 | 121 | opiecope: Tifu by yelling at someone for tapping...
Tifu by yelling at someone for tapping. So I'm at work waiting for my co-worker to come back from break, in walks his cousin. Immediately I hear this super annoying ticking/tapping sound. I look around thinking maybe something was vibrating against the glass show casings. Then I ask the guy what's the freaking tapping ?? Is it you ? Can you stop! Which he replies no I can't stop I had heart surgery last year. Trying to lighten the conversation he says yeah it is quite annoying tho i can never sleep because of it and people constantly ask if i have my blinkers on in the car.. Making me feel more crappy . I feel so bad.
unceunceunce: Are you talking about a pacemaker? I didn't know they made an audible noise, that would be annoying as hell.
[deleted]: [Artificial heart valve.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Artificial_heart_valve)
My father has one, sounds like a loud ticking watch. Could drive a person mental.
| 3 | 40.333333 | |
1393030325 | 1393039079 | t3_1yl2qn | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by busting into silent girls room:Silent girl part 3
So, since my last post me and Silent girl(SG) have had no progress and I had no idea why. But a month ago SG's friend transferred schools and she was real upset about it. So today after the Pep Rally her friend,Older than her, came to pick her up so they could go to SG's house for a sleepover. I was told to stay as far away from the house as I could. I disobeyed. The thing is that SG's room is at the far end of the hallway away from the other rooms. This ensures,as she said, peace. So I get home and go over her house with my sister, like usual, then I go upstairs and bust through her door. I see silent girl sitting on her friends lap kissing. They both had their shirts off by the way. I was pulled into the room and told to sit down. She asked her friend if she could wait downstairs for a while. After getting dress we talked.She told me her family does not know that she's a lesbian. After asking the obvious question of why she didn't tell me. She told me that I would be the last person she would tell(because, apparently, I am an untrustworthy person). After we finished I went home.
[deleted]: You are an untrustworthy person. you just posted her biggest secret to a bunch of internet strangers.
Also SG sounds pretty awesome
DTorakhan: Don't forget going to SG's house after being blatantly told not to. Hate to say it, but she's got a point. Not doing too well, OP.
[deleted]: in part 1 he relays the entirety of her childhood.
lostdeceiver: Part 2 is my favorite.
[deleted]: basically op is the bad guy
KristyConfused: That's why this is a fuckup.
| 7 | 1.285714 | |
1393024571 | 1393152858 | t3_1yktoc | t5_2to41 | 99 | shuritsen: TIFU by forgetting i had an interview, by jerking off instead.
I had an interview set up on friday at 1:30 with a retail shop that sold my favorite brand of clothing. I'd always wanted to work there, but the second i got out of class at 11:30, i somehow became too preoccupied with just getting home and doing what Michael Jackson would tell me to do.
By 1:00, i had spunked my load, and i was simply laying in my bed in self-coital bliss, and took a nap. By the time i woke up, it was 2:25. My window at an interview was long gone, and in a last-ditch effort to try and save my chance, i called the store and fabricated a story about my aunt having a fall, having to go visit her in the hospital, and being so wrapped up in the moment, i'd forgotten to show until now. Fortunately, he understood, and said he could call me and schedule another interview for 2 weeks from now. I hesitantly agreed, knowing pretty damn well he probably was going to "forget to call", but here's hoping!
Goddamn, i am a perverted idiot.
FinsternIRL: Apparently if people masturbated less, they'd have better lives. Just about every second post in this sub is people fucking up by fucking themselves.
I'd almost say a TIFU by masturbation falls under Rule 2 at this point.
Llim: Although the typhoon vagina lady is an exception
MoonJuiceSippa: Typhoon vagina lady is my hero.
| 4 | 24.75 | |
1393026812 | 1393034666 | t3_1ykx9e | t5_2to41 | 29 | AlaskanFeesh: TIFU by cracking the screen on my new Macbook Pro
My SO got it for me as an anniversary gift a month ago, and a careless toss of pants with a belt onto my bed resulted in a dent in the screen that ruined the display and will cost me $875 to repair, in addition to the cost of the computer that we're already paying for.
[deleted]: Are you serious? What country is this? That's a ludicrous price, even for an Apple product! Where did you get that price quote from?
AlaskanFeesh: The US, I gave it to the Apple Store nearest me and they sent it to their repair dudes who quoted me $875.
[deleted]: What display resolution is it? Unless it's the Retina, Apple is fucking you. Even if it's the Retina display, they're charging way more than it's worth. Do you care if the warranty is voided?
AlaskanFeesh: It's the 15" Retina :(
And I care if the warranty voided, in case I manage to fuck it up again... (god help me)
[deleted]: Apple is awful about this. If you weren't worried about the warranty, I'm sure you could find a repair person willing to fix it, but I doubt they could find a replacement Retina display for any reasonable price. (for what it's worth, you'd likely get a much better experience with a 1920x1080 display, fewer auto resolution ssues, less strain on visual processing, and much, much less expensive, likely with a higher % gamut at a lower price. I have a 1920x1080 display and I can't see the pixels)
| 6 | 4.833333 | |
1393035599 | 1393090472 | t3_1ylam9 | t5_2to41 | 5,491 | jabba_the_wut: TIFU by stuffing shit covered toilet paper into my mouth (nsfw)
When I take a dump I always have some toilet paper in my hand folded up, or sitting on my leg, or the ledge of the bathtub.
My wife always walks in on me when I'm in there, and over the years I've developed this strange joke thing where I'll stuff the toilet paper into my mouth when she walks in. I don't know why I do it, but she laughed at it years ago so I've just kept it up. The toilet paper is always clean when I do that.
She never walks in when I'm wiping, and if she does, I would hear here coming and not wipe while she's there, I could never bring myself to wipe in front of her for some reason.
Well, tonight I was wiping, and of course I looked at what I wiped, and the door swung open. I didn't miss a beat, I stuffed the shit covered toilet paper right into my mouth. This wasn't a 3rd-5th wipe buildup, this was number 1, the very first wipe, the one with the most shit per square inch. This wasn't a normally formed shit either, it was runny, chunky, loose, and for fucks sake it smelled horrid.
As soon as it touched my tongue, I gagged, I gagged worse then I've ever gagged before. Then I puked.
All the while my wife is just standing there laughing hysterically, practically peeing her pants. Thankfully the kids were down in the basement, I didn't want them hearing or seeing what just happened.
I calmed down, she calmed down, she left the washroom. I got up and rinsed my mouth out several times, brushed my teeth, and used several mouthfuls of scope, all the while my ass is covered in shit and there's puke on the floor. I threw the toothbrush away, finished wiping then I cleaned up the puke.
Never again.
Tl
teh_booth_gawd: Today was a good day to join this sub.
citare: Yeah, you'll learn a lot of things to *never EVER* do here.
KnightHawkz: A lot of those things are masturbating in a dodgey place
jrblast: The rest have something to do with crapping your pants.
random_guy12: Or opening porn during a presentation.
MILK_DUD_NIPPLES: Or stuffing shit-covered toilet paper in your mouth.
Mildlynotirrelevant: Or you know, fucking your cousin when you were 6 and then telling both of your wives about it over Olive Garden. That sort of thing.
gored_matador: I didn't see that guy ever mention what restaurant it was, but an Olive Garden is perfect. Maybe an Applebee's. Something allegedly family friendly.
Mildlynotirrelevant: OP may not have, but I like to imagine this confession happening over OG breadsticks.
freestylesno: "Aww man, these bread sticks remind me of you shoving your penis up my ass when we were six"
| 11 | 499.181818 | |
1393034695 | 1393481584 | t3_1yl9ci | t5_2to41 | 70 | [deleted]: TIFU by not checking for toilet paper in a female friend's dorm hallway bathroom
So I've been talking to this girl for a little bit, she is roommates with my friend from high school. She made it pretty clear that she wanted to hook up with me but it never really happened because we weren't about to fuck with her roommate there or one/both of us were too belligerently drunk to walk let alone bang. Anyways, earlier we hung out and smoked a bit of weed, went and grabbed some food at the cafeteria. The caf near her dorms is really good and has a wide selection of food, so I always make a point to grab some of the tasty Mexican food they have. So we do that, go back to her room, and then we're hanging out there (her roommate was out of town by the way) watching some background noise kind of movie that neither of us really gave a shit about. She started touching me in an unmistakably "wants my dick in and around her mouth" type of way and then asked for a back rub which I agreed to. So she took her shirt off and was laying on her stomach and I knew it was a done deal at this point...
....until *it* happened. I felt a rumbling in my stomach. If you have been subscribed to this sub for more than a week you understand the type of rumbling I'm talking about and exactly what it means. So before things got too hot and heavy I told her I had to use the bathroom real quick, figured I could make it a quick one and get back in enough time that "sorry I had to wait for some guy in there" would be an excuse she wouldn't think twice about. This is an all girls hallway by the way, so that means there is one girls' community bathroom and a single guest bathroom for any dudes who might have to blow it up right before they fuck one of the hallway residents. So I'm in the bathroom and I just go about doing the deed how I would any other time, maybe a little more rushed than normal. As I was sitting there, I noticed a locked metal door in the wall and wondered what it was for, thought it might be for storing toilet paper or other supplies so it could be replaced by a resident/janitor when it was out. I continued on this train of thought and began to wonder what one would do if they *did* run out of TP in there but I quickly dismissed the thought as I could not figure it out and I didn't have to deal with the problem anyways, right?....r-right....?
*FUCKING WRONG.* As I finished up my shit and reached for the toilet paper, I quickly realized, to my horror, that there was no toilet paper there. I scanned the room for any type of paper I could use to get the excess shit off of my asshole. No paper, but there was a shower with a detachable handle. Fuck. No way I'm just gonna rinse off into the community shower. But did I have a choice? No. I didn't. I took my shirt off to avoid splashback and turned it on low pressure so that it wouldn't be audible to those outside the door. I sort of used my hand to just wipe it off while simultaneously running water onto my asshole, periodically rinsing my hands off. I continued this for an extended period of time until I decided my ass was sufficiently cleansed and then I waddled, pants at my ankles, slightly bent over as to keep my ass spread and drying, over to the sink where I washed the ever living fuck out of my hands and then dried my ass off in one of those high powered hand dryers. After that I hosed the shit out of that shower and threw a metric fuckton of hand soap in there.
I headed back to her room just wondering how I could possibly explain the preposterously long time it took me to take a piss. I happened to have a can of chewing tobacco in my pocket because a friend left it with me earlier and I planned to return it later, so when she inevitably asked what I was doing, I explained that I had a nasty habit and needed to have a chew because I hadn't all day and otherwise I would be too tense. I realize this isn't very attractive, but a lot more so than "I had to wash the shit off of my ass into the drain of the shower your friends use on occasion." She didn't care, she basically just wanted to have sex and that's all I was really looking for out of it too. So as we began hooking up, doing your usual groping, kissing, basic pre sex bullshit, I was still a bit shaken up about the events that had preceded. I started to get self conscious about it even though my asshole was most likely sparkling clean and odor free. Nonetheless, it was all that was on my mind. I was not aroused in the slightest and I couldn't explain my situation to her. Now I began thinking about getting it up on top of the fact that I just McGuyvered a bidet in a public restroom. Needless to say, I could not get my dick hard. It was awkward and embarrassing and there was nothing I could say. I just ended up telling her that I got a sudden headache and nausea and that I had to go back to my dorm before I puked my brains out and I would call her some other time. Then I went home, took a real shower, calmed my nerves, and masturbated.
TL;DR: Ate a burrito, one thing led to another and erectile disfunction kicked in. Still ended the day with a sparkling clean b-hole.
DeliciousPumpkinPie: PRO TIP: Force yourself to always check for toilet paper in a stall by ensuring you wipe off the toilet seat before you sit down. This way, not only can you confirm the TP status, but you don't have to sit on someone else's ass filth.
LezBeOwn: What a magical world you live in where the ass filth of strangers can be wiped away with cheap one ply tissue.
DeliciousPumpkinPie: ...I don't even know how to respond to that. Why would you not use enough toilet paper to get the job done? Why would you not wipe the seat with sufficient force to remove caked-on grime? Why would you even make that comment? I don't understand. Pls halp.
LezBeOwn: Sure... TP can wipe away what you can see. It's what you can't see that is the problem. TP won't just wipe way MRSA or E. coli.
DeliciousPumpkinPie: Well, in that case, you probably shouldn't be sitting on the seat regardless of whether or not you wiped it. Unless you have a bottle of hand sanitizer with you or something. Or bleach. Or unless you can hover. Or unless you believe that the tiny layer of paper in those "seat protectors" actually protects you from anything.
In conclusion, public bathrooms are disgusting.
___God____: Or if there is a shower with a detachable handle nearby.
Wombcorps: Have you ever been to Asia? Over here, most public toilets do not have loo roll, but a 'bidet' which is like an arse shower, except here the water flow is strong and the water is cold which helps after a spicy evacuation.
___God____: Never been to Asia but I have used a bidet. They are quite nice and leave you feeling extra clean. How do you dry off though if there is no paper?
Wombcorps: Well, me personally - as a woman, a front wash I just shake and then go which is dry enough.
Back wash though, I've never summoned up enough courage to do the same with at least one cursory wipe to really check its all clean back there. Most bogs here now have a communal roll
Of paper as you enter the facilities, or there's usually some people selling it on the way in if you're in a city. I tend to carry a small pack of tissue with me for such moments.
| 10 | 7 | |
1393038724 | 1393139690 | t3_1ylezu | t5_2to41 | 63 | vmast3r: TIFU by trying to research my competition.
While just starting out my own media services, I have no idea how to price things. I have a general idea on what to charge, my highs and lows, but wanted to see what other already established businesses are charging. After some thinking, I decided I would use some reverse engineering to help me out by calling places posing as a client in need of the services and asking for a quote.
After a few calls, most places were closed or unavailable. I finally hit a place that wasn't. Being my first time doing this, I totally didn't think it through to prepare a story ahead of time. I figured I could make something up on the spot. Terrible idea. The person that I spoke to asked for a name, gave him a fake one (totally butchered it out of sheer shock that I couldn't think of one on the spot). The rest of the story I managed to get down confidently and he was able to quote me a price on the service offered. His quote was around the higher rate I've been thinking of charging lately, so I'm on the right track. Okay, done.
Two minutes later, he calls me back. I pick up and he calls me out on everything. Apparently, my number is listed on the website where I offer my services (totally forgot). After tons of awkward silence, I apologize profusely and hang up. Worst idea ever.
At least I've learned to block my number and prepare a story ahead of time for next time.
KristyConfused: One time my friend, who owns a computer repair business, blocked his number and called a competitor to get some information. When the competitor answered, he said "Thank you for calling Totally Awesome Computers, we love you!" to which my friend replied "you're gay!" and hung up, abandoning the actual reason for calling.
holsandbike: Hahahahah funniest shit I've read on reddit in days. I'd probably have done the same as your friend
| 3 | 21 | |
1393048588 | 1393049722 | t3_1ylrse | t5_2to41 | 6 | reallybad_detective: TIFU by taking to much add meds
I had a test today but a bad night sleep I needed to do good I slept in that day my parents woke me up gave me so i time capsule would be fine till lunch i woke up completely forgotten i had taken the pills so i go down stairs take 2 more so I'm on 200 mg i didn't know i took to much till later. I go take my math test by now I'm fucked up as shit i start feeling queasy i get very tongue tied when I'm on to much of this so i try to go ask to go to the bath room i walk up to my math teacher and say "can bathroom i go" he says "excuse me" i then proceed to projectile vomit on him and woke up in the nurses office got an A on my test so i got that going for me.
tldr took to much meds threw up on math teacher
Rage_Mode_Engage: LOL, do you mean you got an A because math teacher felt bad or because you BOSSED through the exam, then proceeded to projectile vomit
reallybad_detective: little bit of both
| 3 | 2 | |
1393046869 | 1393098100 | t3_1ylpp8 | t5_2to41 | 40 | FYUGHI: TIFU by telling someone with a severe peanut allergy I had a PB&J
So it was a normal day of school (I'm in high school). So I'm at lunch sitting with around six other friend and I finish my pizza first. I start drinking out of my water bottle and a friend asks if he can have a drink. I say sure and he asks me if I ate peanuts. I say no and he starts drinking. While he's drinking, I say the dumbest thing:
"Oh, I actually had a PB&J just before this."
Little did I know this peanut allergy was like deathly severe. He spits out all of the water and starts freaking out, yelling about how he can feel his throat start to swell. I am laughing at this point because I was joking, of course. I stopped laughing when he dialed 911. Luckily, I managed to stop him and explain in time, but shit, he was not happy.
TL;DR Made a guy with a peanut allergy flip out, luckily, I didn't actually eat any peanuts.
Noooooooooooobus: Should have called him out for claiming that his throat was swelling up.
Tufari: There is also [The Nocebo Effect.](http://www.health.harvard.edu/newsweek/The_nocebo_response.htm)
[deleted]: handy information! thank you.
| 4 | 10 | |
1393071200 | 1393211194 | t3_1yma2n | t5_2to41 | 24 | DextersLittleHelper: TIFU by assuming nothing was out of place while I walked through my house in the dark.
Let's just say that now I'm covered in soil and my shins will be sore for a week.
Stupid pot-plant.
GetPet: Pot plant or plant pot?
Chronophagous: I was about to ask the same thing. There's a pretty big difference between the two.
ThereIsNoThere_There: It sounds like in this case, they are one and the same.
Chronophagous: Apparently, what a happy coincidence.
| 5 | 4.8 | |
1393058524 | 1393096330 | t3_1ym19u | t5_2to41 | 2 | lord_james: TIFU by visiting a casino
This is not as interesting as you think.
So I've been playing Fallout: New Vegas for a while now, and I've got a little less than half way through the game. I've been using Cass as a companion (though that may change after this), and I 'd just finished her mission to (**SPOILERS**) get revenge on the Crimson Caravan and Silver Rush. If you've played the game (and why are you reading this if you haven't played the game), then you know that there are a fucking shit ton of energy weapons in Silver Rush. I stole them all after I killed the shop keeper and made Cass carry them. I planned on taking a few from her to sell as I needed caps, but the laws of the Bethesda glitches had something else in mind.
About half an hour ago I saved my game and then fast traveled to the Mojave Outpost to repair my weapons (this autosaves). Before that I'd visitors Gomorrah, which is an in game casino. In New Vegas you can't take weapons into the casinos. So when the NPC asked me to turn over my weapons, I allowed him to take them. What I didn't know is that this applies to my companion! They took all my expensive energy weapons from Cass. Usually they give them back after visiting, but Bethesda games are glitchy as shit. They were never returned to her, and I've both saved and autosaved since the incident. Those weapons we stolen, there's no way to get them back, and I can't load up an older save to get them. Overall they were worth about 15k caps (Fallout currency).
TL;DR I lost a lot of money in video games and I'm drunk enough to bitch about it online.
rikyy: Dude, iirc there's some kind of reception on the first floor. Bobby pin the door, sneak behind the guy standing at the counter (or kill him) and get your weapons back from the stash. Easy
lord_james: They don't actually store companions weapons.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1393078357 | 1393107751 | t3_1ymgau | t5_2to41 | 58 | PantheraLupus: TIFU by underestimating my boobs
I was sitting on my laptop catching up on the latest ohjoysextoy.com comics when my cat started being weird and closing my bedroom door and trying to open it again. Whatever, I just kept opening my door and sat back down.
Of course this was the perfect opportunity for her and she crept between the bedhead and the wall and attacked the back of my head. Well, I thought it would be funny to film her with my iphone. She normally doesn't attack me hands directly, let alone whatever I'm holding. Well she attacked it and it fell under my bed, directly in the centre where I couldn't reach it.
Now instead of being a normal person and using a broom to fetch it out, I decided to try to climb underneath my bed. Except it got to be a tight squeeze because my boobs and butt got in the way.
That was a bad idea. I'm stuck. I can't call out to my sister because my laptop is sitting on my bed with something NSFW on the screen. This bed is heavy. How did I even squeeze under here?!
The cat is watching me with a smug look.
Edit: [Video](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xd0A6QZEqLs)
FattenedPuppies: If you're still there, try rocking side-to-side as to move backwards out from under the bed. It might help?
PantheraLupus: Thanks, I managed to squeeze out by climbing down to the end of the bed, where the beam is just a fraction higher (like not even an entire centimetre higher). Currently giggling at the video though.
GnuRip: We have to see that video, for science!
PantheraLupus: Edited post to include it. You cant see anything after the cat knocks it down but you can hear me wading through my currently messy floor to get under the bed.
GnuRip: omg yes! So great! :D
| 6 | 9.666667 | |
1393078977 | 1393119521 | t3_1ymgy4 | t5_2to41 | 132 | [deleted]: TIFU by sucking.
I work as a personal assistant to a lady and one of the things she wanted help with today was moving the giant plant pot on her balcony into another spot. This thing is huge and too heavy for me to lift as it had become full of water, as well as having all the soil in it still. So we decided to drain it first by siphoning the water off into a bucket via a black plastic tube.
The only way for me to get the water started was by sucking on the end of this tube, which I badly miscalculated. I ended up sucking a mouthful of dirty stagnant water and spluttering everywhere. Luckily I thought it was only rain water, not much harm right?! Until I started seeing all these dead bugs and shit come out of the end into the bucket.
My stomach didn't feel too good a little later so I went to lay down on the couch. Upon laying down with my head on the cushions I felt something wet on my ear. The cat had thrown up all over the cushions and it was now mixed in my hair (which is long and thick).
THATONEGUY0682: You've probably got about 1 day left... Rip in peace op
SilentScience: You do know that RIP stands for Rest In Peace, right?
wolfcry0: Every damn time someone says RIP in peace, someone comes in and says this lol
SilentScience: Wasn't aware that rest in peace in peace was a joke. Guess I'm not hip to what's funny.
wolfcry0: I think it's a dumb joke anyways..
| 6 | 22 | |
1393085207 | 1393131626 | t3_1ymoby | t5_2to41 | 478 | SugarMagnolia94: TIFU by masterburating in my friend's apartment while he watched
Okay so for endless personal reasons I'm staying at a friend's apartment right now. Well, today I move out technically so it won't be much longer, but there's now a problem.
I'm a REALLY horny woman. I mean I wake up sometimes and am just sexually frustrated. Yesterday was one of those days, and I happened to have a day off when both my friend and his fiancé were at work. So I decided okay let's go for it, just one quick session to work out some energy! Right on their couch.... cause it's not like I was gonna go in their bedroom or anything.
So after this I took a shower and just kind of walked around butt naked for awhile with my hair wrapped up in a towel to dry. My friend (who's also a co-worker) comes to me today and has this huge grin on his face. Then he says words that will forever haunt my soul.
"So I don't know if you know this...... but we have cameras in the apartment to watch our cats and make sure everything is okay, and there were some... interesting... clips of you yesterday.... but I did delete them."
Now, I just kind of jokingly brushed it off and we haven't gone back to it since. It's not like it was made a huge deal. Also take into account this friend has a really mischievous, "naughty" sense of humour (I say that word in the example of, he makes sexual jokes and innuendos ALL the time, etc.) so he might have thought the whole thing was funny. But I am about ready to drop dead. I feel like I did something really bad with what I did but on the other hand... I didn't technically do anything WRONG, I just did something highly embarrassing. But I don't know if he's mad about it or what. OMG. :/
EDIT: Okay, so I thought I'd post an update on this since it's been a day or two. Essentially after our brief conversation about it all he gave me a letter a little while later so I wouldn't have to talk to him about it face-to-face (he knows me well enough to know I get easily embarrassed as it is so something like this... oh geez).
Basically in the letter he said in retrospect he shouldn't have brought it up because it was so embarrassing but he wanted to give me the respect of letting me know upfront what he saw and that he deleted it. He said he didn't want to lose me as a friend over it because he enjoyed doing things with me like camping, going skydiving soon, exercising, etc. that other friends of his didn't have time for but if I was too uncomfortable around him then he would back off and understand. But he never mentioned once in the letter being mad about it or anything.
I talked to him after the fact about it a little bit over the phone and basically said I wanted to forget it happened. He said he figured that and he just wasn't sure initially since he did bring the cameras up in the past if I did it on purpose or not and I was like OH GOD NO. lol he said he didn't think so but wanted to make sure. When I asked him if he was offended that I did that he started laughing pretty hard and asked why he possibly would be offended and said he totally understood what I did. So, now I still feel embarrassed by it, but things seem ultimately okay, in fact tonight we're gonna hang out together again anyway. Still one of the most embarrassing things that's ever happened to me, though.
Also, as far as some comments go... to be honest if a friend did this in my situation then as long as they didn't get their "mess" everywhere (which when I reach "that moment" TBH I don't get anything anywhere... just not one of those types of women) I wouldn't mind. So yeah. He didn't seem to either. Plus I put a blanket I had been using to sleep under me haha.
Ultimatespacewizard: It's pretty weird that he didn't mention those when you moved in...
Bitch_Karma: this.
ViolentOctopus: 'This' isn't dead yet?
Sleazy_James: This.
ProjectileMenstruati: So much This.
ColtonMK: Very this.
OneWayOfLife: Many this. Wow.
13zath13: Mom's Spaghetti
| 9 | 53.111111 | |
1393087529 | 1393102574 | t3_1ymrf8 | t5_2to41 | 35 | tifudrunk: TIFU by getting drunk
I don't usually drink. Last night I drank about 450-500 milliliters of vodka in like 10 minutes.
I don't remember much, but I know I revealed way more information than I would ever do sober. I'm a really private person, and I told someone I barely know a lot of intimate details about my life. As the day goes on, I keep getting flashbacks and remembering tidbits that I said and I am so embarrassed.
Hewis_Luey: I remember the first time I drank 450-500 milliliters of vodka . . .
Natanael85: Is this what we get when americans are trying to go metric?
| 3 | 11.666667 | |
1393090893 | 1393345222 | t3_1ymwg4 | t5_2to41 | 220 | mealbudget: TIFU by losing my cool with a bunch of teenagers, and having my bus window smashed
So I'm a public bus driver. It may or may not be common knowledge that bus drivers can cop a lot of shit, and all walks of society love giving it to us. White collar workers, blue collar workers, other drivers, poor people, homeless people, teenagers, little kids, old people, and even other bus drivers. It's one of those jobs where we're literally in the public eye, while being charged with a great responsibility and sat behind the wheel of a giant death machine.
So one particular route has been, for the past few weeks, attacked. If the driver hasn't been verbally abused, then rocks and other projectiles have been thrown at the bus and windows have been shattered. So I was nervous from the get-go about doing the route, especially since the last one, that ends around 11pm at night, is the run that gets attacked the most.
Tonight I did this route. And I was nervous as fuck to have a window smashed. I've been driving public buses for about 9 months, and haven't had it happen once. I've had tonnes of verbal abuse, and before that lots of heckling from being a school bus driver, but tonight, I got my windows smashed, and here's how.
On this evil route of hell, I picked up 13 teenagers. Who were standing in the middle of the road of a badly lit suburban-public-housing mix street, with no lights or phone lights out at all to show me they were there. I had to brake hard just not to kill them. And they were standing in the road at a bus stop, so I picked them up. First thing I hear when I got the doors open was abuse, at me, for nearly hitting them. I told them it was because they were standing in the middle of the road, and they ignored me and sat down. I turned the music up, per their 'fucking turn the fucking music up' request, but I could still hear the abuse all the way.
I was flooring it, I won't lie. I was driving like a maniac, because I wanted the route to be over, and I wanted these kids off my bus. I could have called it into Operations, but where this route goes, guess what, the two-way radio signal is shitty, at best. The last time I had a problem passenger (a violent adult who also threatened to bash me), later in review the head manager all but insinuated it was my fault because I asked the guy not to swear, or punch the bus, and didn't greet him as if I wanted the D when he got on the bus. So yeah, late at night with no traffic, I was cutting corners and speeding, I was driving safely enough to get us from A to B without causing damage, and if I'd done it in a car no one would think it was weird. Because without backup, and fearing an altercation or something similar, I was alone and the easiest thing to do is speed up, drive like a safe maniac, and end the route sooner rather than later.
Towards the end of the route, I thought it was over. I thought, no rocks thrown, no one-on-one abuse, no faces (mine especially) punched, maybe it wasn't so bad. Then one of the punks comes to the front of the bus, stands right beside where I sit, and demands I 'stop fucking speeding'.
Well, I lost my shit. No traffic around or behind me (it was nearly 11pm at night, and these less-than 15 year olds were out, and drinking Vodka from the bottle), I stopped the bus before a corner, and told them to get out.
As they got out, they tried to smack me in the face. Two of them hit the driver partition instead (it's not a full shield, just one piece of plastic), and I lost my shit even further. I put the bus in neutral, got the park brake on, got out of my seat and started yelling verbal abuse after them. After hearing it for over 15 minutes, of fat cunt, Asian this, fucking that, I'd just had enough.
Well, what follows is the worst I've ever behaved in public. Adrenaline was flowing, but that's the reason and not an excuse. I was yelling and screaming some shit I wouldn't even type on here. I'm embarrassed for myself. I can't believe that, even provoked, I said those things. And of course it made things worse, but I was mad. I was blindly mad. I was ready to grab those kids and belt the living shit out of them, in public.
Then, one of them started picking up rocks and throwing them at the bus, and that was it. It brought me back to my senses, because the one thing I didn't want is for the bus to be damaged. I got back in the seat and took off. Sadly, in my anger, I didn't realise I had to turn the corner. Where the teenagers were.
They got out the vodka bottle, and threw the thing at the bus, which shattered a window and made a hole.
I called it into Operations once the rocks had flown. There was a police report made. I'm reassured by the manager on duty that I won't lose my job, even if I was under distress, being verbally abused, that it doesn't justify the teenagers' actions against me. But I can't help but feel in hindsight if I'd just been a bit calmer, if I hadn't gotten out of my seat, if I'd just taken this one night of abuse on the chin and said 'nah it doesn't bother me', when really it does, then the bus window wouldn't be smashed.
**Edit - TL;DR: I'm a public bus driver, and a group of youths verbally abused me for 15 minutes. I lost my shit, and made them get off the bus. They tried to strike me, and I lost my shit even more and starting spewing curses. They threw a vodka bottle at the bus and smashed a window.**
Man, I fucked up.
nowonmai: In my estimation, you are a paragon of patience and self control. If it was me, I would have been physical in my frustration with these little shits.
vertstang86: Yeah... 10+ violent little garbage children to your 1 mediocre adult body... You would likely die.
RoyPherae: The tight area of a bus makes it so a brawl of 11 people would MAYBE end in a few bruises at most. If anything Bus Driver man would be at an advantage due to the lack of space, most of the kids wouldn't be able to do anything.
Siegelski: ...they had vodka bottles. The little shits would have used them as weapons.
RoyPherae: I over looked that part. My bad.
| 6 | 36.666667 | |
1393093876 | 1393277387 | t3_1yn0z5 | t5_2to41 | 6 | DeadAlice: TIFU by not buying toilet paper
This morning, I noticed that we were almost running out of TP and told my SO to remember that we need to buy some today. A little while ago, I realised I had to pee and was sure there was enough paper left for that. "I'll just go buy some after."
I was right, and wrong. It would have been enough, if I just needed to pee. I didn't just have to pee. I sat down and pretty soon felt the familiar pushing of excrement in my colon. Okay, fine. No need to worry, I thought. There's probably enough paper, I won't use much.
So I wipe once, and on the second grab, there are two squares left. Shit. This is not going to be enough.
My SO is in the living room, by his computer. If I was even remotely lucky, he'd either check Skype or Facebook, or not have his headphones on. Yep, you guessed right! He's wearing headphones and playing civ, not getting any notifications.
It's been half an hour now, and I'm fucking stuck until he decides to check on me. Then, I'll have to wait for him to go to the store. And I'm too stubborn to give up and improvise, I'd rather just wait.
TL;DR I didn't buy TP and ran out mid-wipe, can't get hold of SO to go buy some and refuse to improvise with hands and faucet.
DeadAlice: TIFUpdate: I got out! After some 45 minutes, he came to see where I'd disappeared to and went to buy toilet paper. I still don't really want to sit down though, an hour on the toilet is more than enough.
potajedechicharo: He's a good man.
DeadAlice: He's the best! I'm gonna keep him forever.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1393090817 | 1393111520 | t3_1ymwby | t5_2to41 | 42 | lemonscentedcunt: Tifu by using my favorite vegan lemon soap on my whole body
So I jumped in the shower this morning. Threw in a nice playlist, got the water all nice and hot for a good relaxing shower.
Now, my favorite soap is a nice vegan lemon soap that contains a shit ton of real citrus products. Lemon oil, orange oil, lemon chunks. The whole shebang. I begin to scrub up when I realize I forgot to grab my shaving/llady bits cleaning soap which is much milder and smells like candy and I was too lazy to go get it.
So I decide to use my lemon soap.
I start to wash the lady bits.
Cue burning and stinging. Ow ow. Ow. I do my best to rinse it out And it still stings.
Tl;dr, lemons and vaginas dont mix.
courtoftheair: You're not really supposed to wash there at all.
KristyConfused: I don't believe that's an accurate statement.
courtoftheair: Your disbelief doesn't make you right. There's no reason to wash with anything but water.
KristyConfused: There's a world of difference between not washing, and washing with water only.
courtoftheair: Well how would you have a bath without washing there as well?
| 6 | 7 | |
1393104427 | 1393212794 | t3_1ynh4q | t5_2to41 | 730 | [deleted]: TIFU by snapchatting
I was getting a bit frisky with a fwb over snapchat (im a guy btw). I jumped in the shower and started snapchatting her of myself. Well, the screen of my phone started getting wet and I had just taken a photo of my face and my junk, but I couldn't send it because the phone acts up when the screen is wet... stupid me I wiped the phone on my hanging towel and it swiped over and sent to My Story... in a panick I jumped out and tried to fix what I could... which wasnt much. So I decided to just leave it and wait for the worst. So I wake up the next morning and I have texts from a friend saying I could delete snaps from my story... I looked and double tapped the snap. One option popped up asking if I wanted to delete it... I felt so dumb because everyone on my friends list saw it...
Tl;dr sent a snap in the shower. Accidentally uploaded to my story.
emgr: My main concern here is that you decided to bring a presumably expensive electronic into the shower with you...
andino93: He might have one of the waterproof phones on the market. My Sony z ultra is rated for 1.5m for 30mins
qwasz123: How do you like your Ultra?
I'm loving mine, though I removed the shatterproof covers on it.
andino93: I love it now that I've gotten used to the size. I'm about to remove mine too to put on a tempered glass protector. Haven't decided which protector yet though.
qwasz123: It's not as strait forward as peeling it off, just a tip.
I threw on an oliophobic coating to replace the SPC but mine has a couple scratches on it :/
andino93: I already read up on it. Its a pain in the butt but seems to be well worth it. I have a heatgun so I'll be going that route rather than the chipping off route.
qwasz123: The chipping off part isn't the hard part, the hardest part is taking the glue off after you removed the SPC. I used Goo Gone and it worked wonderfully but it takes a really long time.
andino93: I'll keep that in mind. I have plenty of goo gone
| 9 | 81.111111 | |
1393122868 | 1393259465 | t3_1yo8hi | t5_2to41 | 83 | Samyania: TIFU by asking my manager if I could take home an expired cake.
So I've been working at this food service job for like a month, and it's my first food service job. I've been taking home, with the assistant managers' blessings, the expired stuff that we can't donate. Today was my first day closing with the manager though, and when I asked her if I could save something she was throwing out, she said that's against company policy, at which point the assistant manager flipped out because she thought the manager had given her blessing.
tl;dr: Everyone thought we were allowed to take home expired food. We're not. I accidentally told the manager. No more free (slightly old) food for anyone.
edit: skipped a noun.
SuggestiveMaterial: Stupid policy....
The_Fiddler1979: The policies are generally in place for two reasons:
1: Food poisoning lawsuits etc
2: Staff willfully making items unsaleable (Crushing/"Accidentally" opening packages, which then become "freebies" for staff.
dralcax: [Relevant xkcd](http://www.xkcd.com/859/)
xkcd_transcriber: [Image](http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/\(.png)
**Title:** (
**Title-text:** Brains aside, I wonder how many poorly-written xkcd.com-parsing scripts will break on this title (or ;;"''{<<[' this mouseover text."
[Comic Explanation](http://www.explainxkcd.com/wiki/index.php?title=859#Explanation)
**Stats:** This comic has been referenced 43 time(s), representing 0.3991% of referenced xkcds.
---
^[Questions/Problems](http://www.reddit.com/r/xkcd_transcriber/) ^| ^[Website](http://xkcdref.info/statistics/) ^| ^[StopReplying](http://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=xkcd_transcriber&subject=ignore%20me&message=ignore%20me)
Magical_Gravy: It appears to be at least one.
| 6 | 13.833333 | |
1393123226 | 1393155122 | t3_1yo8w2 | t5_2to41 | 1,833 | KillerMagikarp: TIFU by buying concert tickets
This technically happened yesterday but I didn't realize it was a fuck up until just now.
I'm 17 and a junior in high school. Yesterday I was sitting in study hall and my friend Joe was showing me a new app he got on his phone that finds good deals on concert tickets. He tells me that the red hot chili peppers are playing tomorrow and there are front row tickets for only $30. It seemed too good to be true. Me and a different friend are huge RHCP fans so once I get home from school I buy the tickets And print them out.
Today me and my friend Jon are super excited for the concert. Around 6:00 we get in my parents car and drive for about two hours. When we arrive something feels off. As we're walking in we see a guy wearing a kilt. I didn't think much about it cuz I knew that the red hot chili peppers had a lot of weird fans. We get to our seats and I tell my friend that it's weird that there's so many old people at a red hot chili peppers concert. There's also Celtic music playing. Again, I don't think much of it, until I see it.
There's a girl wearing a shirt that says Red Hot Chili Pipers. HOLY SHIT everything makes sense now. I look at the ticket app and sure enough it says Red Hot Chili Pipers. That explains the bagpipes on the stage and it also explains why the Red Hot Chili Peppers are playing in Manila tomorrow. We leave and I call my parents. They said the hilarity of the situation was worth the drive. I'm never going to hear the end of this.
TL;DR: I though ibought tickets for the Red Hot Chili Peppers, turns out it was a bagpipe band.
EDIT: Apparently no one can see my proof comment because they keep saying I'm lying. Here's [proof](http://i.imgur.com/Ux9F2cu.jpg)
Jemdat_Nasr: The Pipers are actually pretty good. They do a lot of bagpipe covers of popular songs.
Marshie32: If anyone has the time to find me videos of this. I will love you forever
Stenchr: They are on spotify, I just looked them up. [Youtube](http://www.youtube.com/results?search_type=search_videos&search_query=red+hot+chilli+pipers&search_sort=relevance&search_category=0&page=)
Marshie32: I think I have just find my favourite thing in the internet, that avicii cover is brilliant
Stenchr: I love these types of Comedy bands (for lack of a better word) Alestorm and these guys are amazing.
ThatMetalPanda: Gloryhammer, my friend. Power metal incarnate.
torothebully: I listened to frozen's let it go for the first time yesterday and I was expecting something epic. I was expecting Nightwish Ghost Love Score I was wrong. Metal has forever warped my expectations for popular music. But power metal is at times cheesy but delicious.
ThatMetalPanda: Dude. The cheese is what *makes* the subgenre! It's like cheese curds coated in cream cheese, sprinkled with Colby and Monterey Jack, wrapped in Provolone and Munster, with a healthy dash of Parmesan on top.
In short, I hope you're not lactose intolerant.
torothebully: Fry in butter and serve pipping hot. You're awesome dude!
ThatMetalPanda: Thanks :) as a ^^female Wisconsinite, dairy is in my blood. Hahaha
torothebully: Yay another female metal fan! Greetings from Jersey.
ThatMetalPanda: Up the irons, my sister! \m/
Seriously though there are way too few of us.
| 13 | 141 | |
1393040754 | 1393140533 | t3_1ylhr6 | t5_2to41 | 42 | ISTRANGLEHOOKERSAMA: TIFU with a paintball gun.
I was out on the paintball field recently, as I usually am friday afternoons/weekends. Some background, i've been playing for two years and am utterly anal about the safety rules - they exist for a reason. One new rule this year is that you must put your "barrel bag" (basically just a small nylon sack with a bungee on it, designed to be put over the barrel of the gun as a failsafe in case it goes off in the safe area where nobody has masks on.) as soon as you are out. usually, it's just required to have it on before you enter a safe area, so you can put it on when you get to the safety net rather than while you walk to said net. Not a huge difference, but i'm still getting used to it.
I'll spare you the details of my glorious defeat, but i was outed from a game and started walking back to the safety net I mentioned to leave the field. It was late in the day and i was tired, having just spent several hours running through the woods on adrenaline. So, I naturally forget to put it on. My friend, let's call him F, gets shot out as i'm walking and trots up to me. "put your barrel bag on" he says.
now, when i was shot out I was hit around a half dozen times from fairly close in the top of my head where my mask didn't cover. My ears were ringing, and my head hurt, I was tired, cold and sweaty at the same time, and a little pissed off. so i decided to say "it can wait until we get to the damn net..."
F insists that i put my barrel bag on. Frustrated, I stop and say "dude, it's fine, it's not gunna go off!" to prove this point, I hold my left hand in front of the barrel, about four inches away. "i have my safety on, dammit!" i say.
big mistake.
now, what i had INTENDED to do was tap my finger against the trigger for emphasis, showing that it was securely locked in place. But, i hadn't turned my safety on. i pulled the trigger twice into my hand, four inches away.
it felt like my hand had been hit with a red hot hammer. I swore like a sailor, while f laughed at my pain. I'm fortunate i was wearing padded gloves and the sleeves of my jersey came down onto my palms a bit, otherwise that could have broken bones in my hand. F laughed, everybody at the field laughed, and i sat out for the next hour because my damn hand hurt so much.
I'm not breaking that rule again.
TL;DR sweaty grumpy me nearly broke his hand.
utah1percenter: As a fellow paintballer, I feel absolutely no sympathy for you.
ISTRANGLEHOOKERSAMA: I didn't say it was a *smart* decision. But I won't make it twice.
utah1percenter: I'm just messing with you. I've done it too. However... not that close. Ouch man.
| 4 | 10.5 | |
1393142344 | 1393195356 | t3_1yovdv | t5_2to41 | 32 | unicornofseduction: TIFU by fucking all the bartenders out of their tips.
Today I fucked up and pissed off all my coworkers by running all the credit card batches before they had entered their tips in. I work in a bowling alley with two bars in it and I had been in since 11 am. It was 1 oclock (am) when I finally got all the customers to leave and started cleaning up the entire place place alone while one coworker bowled and the other two sat in the bar and talked to a lone customer that was here way past close. I was doing everything as quickly as possible because I was tired of being at the hell hole. So I took it upon myself to do their jobs for them and ran the credit cards for the night. So then about 30 minutes later they come over looking very frustrated saying their tips weren't going through. I told them I ran the nightly reports. Apparently I fucked up by thinking they had done their shit by now. I feel really bad that it happened and now they have to wait till Monday to get them but at the same time, if they had done their shit rather than procrastinating, it would have been on. But still feel bad. And they are mad. Gonna be a fun week on Monday. Done goofed.
porcia918: That was karma taking caring of the situation - nothing to do with you.
lakelurk: I'm not sure I understand, how was that karma?
MarshManOriginal: Not getting their stuff done before relaxing.
odiro: Isnt that their problems and not op though?
| 5 | 6.4 | |
1393132587 | 1393190402 | t3_1yol2k | t5_2to41 | 30 | godstriker8: TIFU by not finding out I was called for a job interview until after it was over. Twice. At the same place.
I've been looking for my first job for almost 3 months now. I finally got an e-mail asking me for an interview last week, only problem was that I received it during the couple of days between my Grandfather's cremation and funeral so I was in no mood to check my e-mail for a few days.
I found out the e-mail after the fact, and I sent an apology, and asked for another interview. After hearing nothing from them, for a week I gave up on them, and stopped checking my e-mail for a couple days.
I found out today, that they offered another interview yesterday, and I obviously missed that one too. I figure they desperately need someone, and thus I figure I might have a chance if I call tomorrow morning.
In the mean time, I'm just beating myself up and trying to piece together something I can say to rectify the situation.
icantloveyou: Instead of having to check your email why don't you let your emails come to you. Set up push email on your phone.
hoopycat: Not everyone has a mobile phone, much less a smartphone.
| 3 | 10 | |
1393148226 | 1393182153 | t3_1yp0da | t5_2to41 | 431 | Iminmybearsuit: TIFU by trying to hotbox my fiance in the car with a fart.
So, we had been going to the movies every weekend for about a month. It was a lot of fun but I found out that movie theater popcorn with butter will fuck your stomach up. Needless to say after all that popcorn I had terrible gas. Like throw up from your own sink, hot rotten eggs gas. My stomach didn't feel that great either. Well after we got done watching a movie we didn't just want to go home so we decided to stop and get pizza at a local pizza place and have a few beers. Gas tank was low so we stopped for gas. While he was inside paying I had been letting them rip in the car, in my mind I thought it would be a great idea to fart once he got back into the car. Note it was cold outside so the windows are rolled up and the heat was on. He comes back in and we are on our way to get pizza, I feel a fart coming on so I lift my ass out of the driver seat and push that bitch out. He instantly smells it and starts gagging. Little did he know it was worse than that. I made the frailist "oh shit" sound and realized I had shit in my pants. It was hot, runny, and smelled like death. Once I tell him what happened he busted out laughing and told me it's what I deserve for trying to hot box him with a fart. It gets worse. I was wearing yoga pants and a thong, I desperately needed a bathroom. We pull over to the nearest 24 hour grocery store and I waddle inside to clean myself up. I end up having to take my underwear off because it was that bad. I didn't want to throw them away so I rapped them in paper towels and shoved them in my pocket. Heading back to my car now im obviously embarrassed and have that look like I did something wrong on my face. Well, the security guard on duty thought so too. He asked my to come to the side and asked me to show him what was in my pocket. Hesitantly I pulled out my shit covered underwear and explained my story. He laughed so hard I though he was going to passout. He let me go and continued laughing as I took the walk of shame back to my car.
TL:D I tried to stink my fiance out of the car with a movie theater popcorn butter fart, shit all over myself, went to fix the problem at a store and had to show my shit stained thong to a security guard that thought I was stealing.
SpringbobSquirepants: Yoga pants with pockets sound uncomfortable.
Iminmybearsuit: It was my jacket pocket. Didn't specify. Yeah yoga pants with pockets. Do those even exist...
SpringbobSquirepants: Oh ok haha yea I didn't know of any yoga pants with pockets so I was confused trying to picture it. I do, however, applaud your story. Highly unfortunate but highly hilarious.
Iminmybearsuit: It was embarrassing but it is pretty funny. I laughed about it with my fiance. I was sick the rest of the night too.
| 5 | 86.2 | |
1393138764 | 1393161234 | t3_1yos2z | t5_2to41 | 71 | holsandbike: TIFU by masturbating (NSFW)
So the other day I learnt how to surf (and it was so freaking fun!) (And I can now finally call myself an aussie)...
Anyways so later that night I realised I had a slightly sprained wrist, kinda sore but it wasn't too bad.
I worked yesterday and my wrist was a little worse, but I made sure I did everything I could to make it better asap.
Then last night, being severely horny, despite living in a dorm room right now (at a hostel) I went downtown on my lady bits.
I must have been masturbating for a good 15 minutes until I had an intense orgasm, and feeling excellent I promptly rolled over and went to sleep.
Well, this morning I wake up and my wrist is in severe pain and ten times worse... because obviously I should have not used it for rubbing one out and should have used my left hand.
Tldr: sprained wrist, masturbated and made it worse.
(I kinda feel like it was worth it though)
MoonJuiceSippa: This is what a man with a sprained wrist goes through every single day.
holsandbike: Yeah I masturbated again today. Just used my other hand.
MoonJuiceSippa: Even though I am ambidexterous in most things, it is so hard to masturbate with my left hand. It just feels like getting a handjob. Not nearly enough practice.
holsandbike: For me I am happy with either, but my right is just a little more experienced.
MoonJuiceSippa: I always thought aussie pussy had to be stroked with both hands.
holsandbike: Oh why is that?
MoonJuiceSippa: Because everything is better down unda.
holsandbike: Ahhh
| 9 | 7.888889 | |
1393151420 | 1393214042 | t3_1yp2p3 | t5_2to41 | 63 | LiefKH: TIFU by puttin capsacian cream on my penis, then dipped it in milk.
Sitting there at 3am, having a smoke and not sleeping because I'm out of painkillers and my wrists are killing me. Suddenly it dawns on me that I have some capsacian cream I was prescribed for this specific issue.
I put some on my wrists and then my ankles for good measure... deciding to relax by watching WKuK... oh, my penis is itchy.
5 minutes later, it dawns on me "I haven't washed my hands yet." At that moment is when the pain comes. I frantically run to the kitchen to wash my penis and my hands, grab an ice pack and hold it there. I go wake up my wife, tell her what I have done and since it's my real life cakeday she wakes up, and comes back with a bowl of milk...
Now I have a damp towel of milk wrapped around my penis.
Good Night.
Jonstrocity: Just finished cutting up a bunch of jalapeños for dinner, went to take a leak. Moral of the story always wash hand thoroughly after handling spicy shit
LiefKH: Put your dick in some milk.
AngryTacos807: Does the Milk Dick Manoeuvre really help the Fire Penis Problem?
LiefKH: Yes, it does. I was surprised. I fell asleep almost right away.
| 5 | 12.6 | |
1393141755 | 1393209147 | t3_1youvi | t5_2to41 | 17 | Fuck_Surfing: TIFU by picking up a new surfboard.
Well this happened a few months ago but oh well. But now for a little context I hand made a surfboard for a big school project. Well time to get to the fuck up I had finished shaping the foam and laying on the fiberglass. The last coat of glass had just finished I picked up the board to admire it and sat it back on the stand, and then the fucker decided the floor was a better place to go and slipped off the stand and fell on the floor but not before hitting about three tools on the way down. There I was with my final project(and about 50% of my final grade) on the floor with a big ass gash in the bottom of the board. I was flipping shit because it was due in a day and the resin would take about 8 hours to cure. But long story short I fixed the ding, presented it and got a B+
oTToMaN77: Holy shit this is awesome. I have been wanting to make my own for a while now.
Fuck_Surfing: Definitely look into it, it's a lot of fun to do and you get a huge sense of pride paddling out on something you made yourself.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1393165937 | 1393317517 | t3_1ypeb4 | t5_2to41 | 61 | deucedropper666: TIFU by shitting on my clothes
Last night, I went out, had a lot to drink, which means this morning I was pretty hungover. When I woke up, I really needed to take a shit. So I went to the bathroom, pulled my trousers and underwear down around my ankles, and sat on the toilet.
While in the process of taking a shit, I suddenly needed to throw up. This was a problem because I was currently sitting on the toilet I needed to throw up in. So what did I do? I tried for the sink. The sink in my bathroom is opposite the toilet, about an arms length away, which meant in order to reach it I had to half stand up and lean forward.
So I pinched off, lifted my ass off the seat, leant forwards and threw up. I got it in the sink, success! What I didn't realise however was behind my primary shit, there was another smaller secondary shit which had started making it's way out, and as I was leant over the sink, it fell out. Right onto my trousers and underwear.
Yup. I shit on my clothes. Does this mean we need to reset the counter? Sorry guys.
TheMrGhost: And that's why I poop naked.
Xanes93: *My man!*
| 3 | 20.333333 | |
1393179098 | 1393202431 | t3_1ypw5c | t5_2to41 | 1,146 | Chucmorris: TIFU by turning my blizzard upside down
I was eating a blizzard in a car and after eating some I noticed that they had the blizzard logo upside down on the cup. I had already had it for a couple of minutes so it was somewhat melted. I turned it upside down and the contents all fell onto my lap and under me. Slowly melting into the seat and my pants/boxers soaking it up.
Edit: A [**Blizzard**](http://www.dairyqueen.com/Global/Blizzards/BOM-RedVelvet-810x810.png?width=550&height=905&crop=auto )
is a frozen treat
from dairy queen.
[deleted]: What's a blizzard? (not the snow)
gozags4: It's a blended ice cream treat sold by Dairy Queen
POTATO_IN_MY_DINNER: Like a mcflurry?
Rhianonin: But a MILLION times better
POTATO_IN_MY_DINNER: Why? What's different?
Pykoh: Because it's not McDonalds.
Higher quality ice cream and toppings, mostly.
AwkwardCow: McDonalds ice cream is actually pretty good in my opinion..I like it because it's cheap and it's soft serve
yemeson: cheap and soft serve aren't proving anything about quality
AwkwardCow: More expensive doesn't equate to higher quality either.
yemeson: I'm not saying it does. Just that liking it because it's cheap and soft serve doesn't vouch for the quality in any way whatsoever. Those are both 2 factors that aren't even related to the quality.
AwkwardCow: Yeah but I didn't say anything about the quality...I just said I thought it was pretty good and that I like the fact that it's cheap and that it's soft serve.
yemeson: My bad. Thought you were trying to stand up for McDonald's quality in comparison to Dairy Queen in response to that other guy saying that their quality is better.
| 13 | 88.153846 | |
1393182799 | 1393241678 | t3_1yq25x | t5_2to41 | 171 | buoyak: TIFU by shitting myself on my way to my Aunt's funeral
This actually happened several years ago while I was still living with my parents and I just remembered this happened so I figured I'd share.
I was in my good suit driving to the church for my Aunt's funeral. I felt completely fine when I got in the car. I can't recall what I had eaten beforehand but whatever it was, it conjured up an evil inside of me that rivaled any facehugger's seed. I was in traffic on the beltway when I felt what would be the worst case of mud butt ever. I'm clenching with all my might trying my best to not unleash hell's fury. Knuckles white as rice. Upper lip dripping with sweat. I'm panicking cause its stop and go traffic and I'm still a few miles away from the exit.
After about 30 min I finally reach my exit hoping I would find some restaurant or gas station. Nope. Nothing but trees and homes. I was about 15 min away from the church. I thought maybe I can make it and just run to the bathroom there. Oh how naive I was. The pain was getting worse and my muscles were starting to get weak. I had to stop somewhere, anywhere before The Colon King opens the floodgates. I saw an empty parking lot up ahead for a plant nursery that was closed. I quickly drove up to it and parked. Now I'm at the point where I'm clenching my asshole so tight that any slight movement will result in complete mayhem, but I had to chance it. I open the door and as soon I move my left leg I felt myself losing control so I bolt. I'm speed waddling to the nearest bush as a shit river is running through my pants. I'm fumbling with my belt trying to unbuckle as fast as I can. Mind you, this parking lot is right off the main road so cars are driving by as this is happening. I finally reach the bush and about to unzip my pants when it was way too late. The stomach pain is gone and my pants are filled. I'm standing there full of shame and shit trying to figure out my next move. I walk back to the car and open my trunk to see if I have any sort of towel to sit on to avoid getting anything on my seat....nothing. There's an empty cardboard box. I decided to tear a piece off so I can sit on that on the drive back home. I proceed to call my dad who is already at the church:
Me: "Hey Dad, I can't make it to the church. I had to turn around and head back home."
Dad: "Why? What's wrong?"
Me: "I shit myself"
Dad: "Hahaha you shit yourself??"
Me: "Yes I couldn't hold it and I shit myself. If anyone asks just tell them I had some car trouble and couldn't make it."
Dad: (still laughing) "Ok ok don't worry. I'll see you at home"
So I drive back home sitting in my own shit. The car smelled soooo bad. I was praying I didn't jinks myself and actually have any car trouble or get pulled over by a cop. I totally would have been charged with assault with a deadly weapon. I get home and walk into the garage and my mom opens the door (she didn't go to the funeral cause it was an open casket and that freaks her out).
Mom: "Why are you back so soon?"
Me: "I shit myself on the way to the church"
Mom: "Hahahaha you what??"
Me: "*sigh* Can you just hand me a towel?"
Mom: "Hahahaha ok ok hold on hahaha"
So there I am, removing my shit filled pants and underwear, trying to clean myself off while my mom is laughing her ass off.
TL;DR - Shit myself. Missed my aunt's funeral. Parents laugh their ass off. RIP Auntie
oTToMaN77: This should be made into a movie adaptation.
buoyak: Haha I would love if someone created an animated short
filefly: animated shart
buoyak: http://imgur.com/5tPjfQp
ClintRenee: Risky click.
| 6 | 28.5 | |
1393223994 | 1393259915 | t3_1yrxfl | t5_2to41 | 574 | [deleted]: TIFU by pissing all over my stomach and then wiping my ass with a spider
Okay so last night we ate a whole lot of deep fried cheese and drank all the fuckin' whiskey. As those connoisseurs among you may be able to imagine, when I sat my ass down on the porcelain today it sounded like someone emptying a bucket of fish onto the sidewalk. Things weren't pretty.
Having magically turned all that cheese and whiskey into the brown soup that I had now evacuated into the space beneath me, phase two began.
Why is it that you can't piss until you've gotten the shit out of the way? As I sat with my phone, casually flicking ladies left or right on Tinder, I unleashed a steady stream of piss directly into the space between toilet and seat, which immediately turned into a warm indiscriminate array of piss droplets casually bouncing up and dribbling down my stomach, easing their way neatly into the hair around my belly button. I totally blame those 18 year old hotties for my delayed reaction.
After covering my hand in piss as well, I made a quick mid-shit clean up as I stood with my cheeks carefully spread as to not create extra unnecessary mess. Turning to stage two of the delicate operation, I swiftly wrapped a few sheets of poop tickets around my hand and, in one gliding motion, directed it to the area requiring attention. I nonchalantly glanced at the paper as it disappeared behind me, not having time to process the information that a pea-sized spider was calmly sitting in the middle of the soft white cloud, sacrificing himself to an unimaginable end. It wasn't until the paper was firmly wedged up my ass that my hand reacted and pulled away. By that time it was too late, and I felt the final fleeting efforts of the dying insect vibrate against my brown eye.
I spent the next few minutes of my life frantically wiping my ass to get the dead insect pieces out of my poop hair. I live in Australia and if a spider bites you or even just bleeds to death on your asshole you'll probably die.
TL;DR I fired piss from my dick into the space between bowl and lid, which covered me in piss. Then I shoved a spider up my ass.
thirdmitten: poor guy, that's a terrible way to go
idonotget_it: I did hear that piss in the stomach is quite deadly. Poor OP.
LordPadre: Ah the old Reddit piss-or-poo.
evilpigskin: Oh no, you're not taking me there!
Not again!
| 5 | 114.8 | |
1393230967 | 1393302740 | t3_1ys4nh | t5_2to41 | 66 | flirtfu: TIFU by flirting to persuade a guy.
I was at an airport in my last day of a study abroad program and I had just learned that flirting can get you extra stuff. I also wanted to take coins as a souvenir, (spent all cash previous night) but only had a credit card. So I thought of getting the coins by paying with my credit card and getting cash in exchange, maybe I could practice my skill in the meantime.
I saw a guy that was going to buy a burger at mcdonalds. I approached him, tell him my idea and he accepts. He gets off the queue to show me his coins, he says he also has coins from two countries I can have! Extra suff! This is awesome! It works! But then this is when it all gets fucked up I hear him nervously babble "I love you." My first though was thinking its a prank, then remembering its impossible because I talked to him first and I "subtly" flirted with him. I get nervous as fuck, deer in headlights and not knowing what to do. I should let you know by now that Im a straight dude and had only tried this with girls before.
First time I try to use this with a man, and he is homosexual. Well, fuck my luck! By now I have a huge nervous smile, while he just kept nervously rambling on about wanting to suck me in the bathroom.
Some seconds have passed and Im just staring, smiling at him, and I awkwardly say back, Im not gay. He apologizes, but immediately continues! He touches my arm in the most sleazy way there can be and it is now the most uncomfortable moment of my life. I dont have a clear memory of the few seconds after that, but we went back to mcdonads, I paid for his meal and left as fast as i could.
TL;DR Flirting backfired on me.
barnacledoor: I don't get this. You are a man and you flirted with a guy to get free stuff and were hoping you were flirting with a straight guy?
flirtfu: I had tried this succesfully with women and wanted to try it with men, I guess my greed and curiosity got the best of me. Do not recommend.
barnacledoor: makes no sense. you're either hoping they're gay so that they'll respond to your flirting, but then think you're interested... or you're hoping their straight so they don't think you're interested, but also won't respond to your flirting. lose lose.
flirtfu: I didnt think this through, thats why its a fucj up. I was hoping him to be straight, not get flirted back and get what I wanted. Im an optimist.
| 5 | 13.2 | |
1393239872 | 1393260638 | t3_1ysbwv | t5_2to41 | 70 | spud_75: TIFU by drinking from the wrong cup
This actually happened on New Years Eve - the delay is part laziness, part not wanting to relive this particular moment.
A friend of mine had a few mates over for a house party to bring in the new year with plenty of booze and a swim in their pool. All was well as we passed the countdown and continued getting shitfaced. As it came to around 1 or 2am one girl in particular was pretty much destroyed, and her and another mate of mine were swimming in the pool. I put my vodka and OJ down on the pool edge, jumped in for a bit, swam around, came back a few minutes later, leant over to grab the cup and got a nice mouthful of warm, chunky vomit.
We were all drinking from the same green plastic cups, and it turns out the destroyed female friend had needed to vom while swimming. Evidently I must have put my drink down next to her tainted cup of misery. I, of course, immediately vomited in the pool. I shudder to think about it even now.
tldr: drank some vomit, proceeded to vomit
robbo101: Free booze
That_Deaf_Guy: And midnight snack. Damn OP, you got a meal and a drink and you complain?
| 3 | 23.333333 | |
1393243720 | 1393482139 | t3_1ysfa8 | t5_2to41 | 185 | timetochange_: TIFU by sharting right before going on stage.
I was performing at some benefit dinner, like a really fancy place. I'm talking the mayor was there. That's the caliber of this event. Myself and a bunch of other musicians from around town showed up and we all had a song or two to perform scattered throughout the night. I had already performed my first song (Revolution by The Beatles for the curious), and I was waiting to go on for the second.
Well, apparently the fast food I grabbed wasn't sitting all that well in me. I started to get really bad gas. Not really a big deal. If you didn't already know this, when you go see a band live, they're probably all farting constantly. Because they can get away with it. The only people around them are each other and they're far enough apart that it never gets around. So I was ready to get up to sing my second and final song and go home. And I was walking up from backstage, I let one rip. Only it brought a friend with it.
So I sang the entirety of I Don't Want to Be by Gavin DeGraw with a shit nugget it my pants, 30 feet from the mayor.
[deleted]: New to this place, but I'm starting to realise it's basically a shit talking subreddit. I'm fine with that.
timetochange_: There's a lot of poop here. I never thought I'd join the club. It can happen to anyone I guess
PcMasterRaceJose: I'm fucking scared to death about "accidentally" joining the club now...
timetochange_: I think the wrong word is in quotations there friendo.
| 5 | 37 | |
1393252451 | 1393293389 | t3_1ysor9 | t5_2to41 | 2,336 | TIFU_paris: TIFU by stranding my girlfriend in Paris
*UPDATE* Pretty unexciting. She came back around 4 hours after me, after having looked for me at the Louvre, as many of you suggested she would. She found the hotel after wandering for a bit (she knew the general area). I guess I let my imagination run wild, but she was fine and looking back I should have trusted her to take care of herself better.
Turns out TIFU by spending half a day of my vacation at the hotel.
*Original Post*
My girlfriend and I have a solid relationship and we're on vacation this week in Paris, a city we both love. I speak a little French and am good with directions, and so I've been doing most of the navigating.
On our way to the Louvre today we had a small argument and she said she didn't want to go, and just wanted to go home. I said fine but I'm going to the Louvre. She turned around on the street and walked off.
I realized a few blocks later that I had been navigating and that she probably didn't know how to get back to the hotel and might not even know the name (I booked the room). She doesn't have phone service or data, nor do I. I ran around trying to find her but she was gone.
I'm writing this from the hotel lobby, really hoping its her coming through the door every it opens. I've send directions to the hotel to her email and Facebook in case she goes to an internet cafe but I'm not sure what else to do...
volcanosaurus-rex: It's likely she went to the last place she knew you were going, the Louvre. I'd leave a note at the hotel and head back to where you said you would go.
RassimoFlom: So speaks someone who probably doesn't know the scale of the place being discussed.
ky1e: Seriously. Every street in Paris looks the same if you don't know French, and the metro there is more complicated than an anatomy textbook.
OblivionsMemories: But, can you not just continually ask people where the Louvre is? Even if you speak no french, would you not just need to know the word "Louvre"?
ky1e: You can, and some people there are very nice. But it's not easy to follow directions in another language if they don't speak English.
OblivionsMemories: No, but I figure if you just keep going the way people are pointing, and ask enough people, you'll get there eventually, right?
ky1e: You will. But that woman was probably trying to get back to a hotel, which could have been harder. I'm sure she could get wherever she wanted, but it could be very hard if she makes mistakes in judgement.
OblivionsMemories: By the way, this is pretty irrelevant to the topic, but you mentioned earlier that some people there are very nice. I had some French exchange students stay with me a few years back and all were shocked at how nice and helpful people in California are. Is the majority of the population in Paris not very friendly? (All the students were from Paris, specifically).
ky1e: People on the street walking around are friendly, people working are not friendly. At least in my experience.
EbolaPie: So everyone's friendly, then.
Do-ho-ho-hoh
detroitmatt: Hon-onh-onh!
| 12 | 194.666667 | |
1393256551 | 1393257383 | t3_1ysuji | t5_2to41 | 45 | phantomnbj: TIFU by receiving imaginary fellatio
My sleeping pattern has been all out of kilter recently, so when I finished my last assignment I decided to head to bed for a well-deserved nap. Little did I know, this nap would be one of the most bizarre of my life.
At about midday I entered some quasi-awake asleep mishmash. This was mildly disconcerting, but I enjoyed the fact that I was still influencing a dream-like state kind of vacantly. I felt awesome - like Ellen Page in Inception. Unfortunately, also like Ellen Page in Inception, this dream would be rudely stalked by a crazy imaginary lady.
The woman entered by my door. I couldn't actually get up, seeing as all sections of my body seemed to weigh eight tonnes. She smiled. And motioned towards my junk. Well, I'm gay; but my subconscious was apparently feeling experimental and let her go to town down there. Strangely realistic as well - actually better than the one time I got one from a girl back in school. IN fact it was too good.
And here's the awful thing: I woke up moaning. Moaning really loudly. I also heard voices outside my door. My walls are super thin as well. Yes, I think I now look like some sort of deviant who masturbates loudly in the middle of the day. I am definitely afraid to even leave my door at this stage.
closedblinds: Ellen Page.
phantomnbj: whoops
| 3 | 15 | |
1393265458 | 1393277394 | t3_1yt9ng | t5_2to41 | 45 | Ecuacuba: TIFU by removing staticky bedsheets while wearing earphones
Today i woke up and just sat there laying in bed watching youtube videos with earphones as i usually do if theres nothing important to do. So i've been sitting there for about 45 mins and finally i get the courage to get out of bed. When i get up, i think to myself that its been a week or two since I've washed my bedsheets and that they probably need a washing, so i start to remove them. Keep in mind that i have a wooly blanket which, as you know, produces tons of static electricity. As I'm removing them, i'm still watching AHWU#200 from Roosterteeth with my earphones still in. So i pull the sheets off the two corners furthest from me and i start to hear some crackling from both the sheets and my earphones. I didn't mind as this usually happens when doing this. When i take the bedsheets along with my pillow sheet and wooly blanket the crackling starts to intensify in my ears. I don't mind and start to walk to the washing machine when all of a sudden, CRACRACK! This tremendous noise and shock-like pain comes from both my earphones to both of my ears and i start to feel disoriented. When i regain my balance, i realize what just happened and go to check on my ears in the washroom mirror. When i look into it, my ears are super red as if i were out in the cold for a while and still feel really weird. So here i am now and i've got this minor headache while writing this with that weird, cold yet hot feeling in my ears. Everything seems fine so far.
tl;dr remove staticky sheets from bed with earphones in and shock my ears pretty badly.
Ecuacuba: For anyone possibly wondering, the earphones were those newer iPhone earphones
Joethepsycho: Happened to me. Left one blew out in the process, and I accidentally threw my phone across the room while being shocked. I just sat in the corner for a while afterwards.
| 3 | 15 | |
1393274495 | 1393306898 | t3_1ytpxl | t5_2to41 | -27 | [deleted]: TIFU: By coming clean to my roommate.
I've had the same roommate since freshman year. We were just those two guys, who randomly got placed to live with each other and hit it off perfect. Currently we are both juniors, so we have been living together for three years now. As we were both moving into our apartment freshman year, there was a massive party, my first college party so I was obviously gonna go as hard as I could. My roommate stayed home to finish his unpacking and i guess he figured that I would be staying at my GF's house that night because when i got back to my room and laid in bed his MOM was in there also. Well I was blackout, so i have no recollection of what happened after i got in bed, but apparently we had sex, rough dirty sex. I didn't know what had happened until i woke up with used condom on, and instantly knew when she was making breakfast in our kitchen and winked at me. Every time my roommates mom has visited we have had sex, and considering his family lives about an hour outside of our college town, it was frequent. Well today I had to get it off my chest. I told my roommate, who decked me proceeded to get on top of my and ground and pound the living shit out of me, until i was unconscious. I train and do small tournament MMA, so it took a lot to knock me out, but i was out cold. When i was unconscious, he brought my GF of 5 years over to our apartment, called his mom and told her that he found out what has happening, and had his mom tell my GF.
I have: No GF, No Roommate, no place to live & lost my two best friends, and lost the must unbelievable hookup buddy there was.
TIFU
hey_there_delilah: Damn bro. That was a real scumbag move. Cheating on your gf AND sleeping with your buddy's mom? Not cool man.
Thane_of_pussy: I hope someone beats the shit out of you one day.
hey_there_delilah: WOW. What the hell? That came out of nowhere.
Thane_of_pussy: You knew she wasn't yet you said you chatted her up then hooked up with her. Are you really that fucking stupid?
hey_there_delilah: For a guy who's not the OP, I think you're respondin to the wrong person here.
Thane_of_pussy: > For a guy
Love your assumptions. Your actions were wrong and disgusting. You're not innocent. You're insensitive and you're a dick. Shitty friend too.
hey_there_delilah: You're being really rude there. I am a dude. What assumptions? What are you talking about? OP is up there! I'm just some random guy
ZeraskGuilda: Nup. You're still a festering cockhole.
hey_there_delilah: You too? Wtf is up with you people. Does my username look like the OP's or something? Have you got the wrong guy?
ZeraskGuilda: No. I wouldn't have. Go back to /r/redpill. You'll find that you fit in with those scumbags better than elsewhere. Pain from betrayal of trust outweighs all else in this situation. And you share half of the blame.
Die. Horribly.
hey_there_delilah: Whoa ok there mate. You're going way too far with the death wishes there. The only "betrayal" I've ever done is calling the cops on my neighbor because I saw him kicking the shit out of his puppy through the window
ZeraskGuilda: Having actually been there and back, there isn't much more harmful than someone you trust stab you in the back.
"True pain and trauma" as spoken by some douchebag in a popped-collar polo. Lemme guess, next you're gonna talk about how people wouldn't have to worry about these things if they just hit the gym. Learned an *awful* lot about the "human condition" in the 'burbs, did ya?
You're scum. A caricature of what should be a functional human being. I know your kind all too well. Sociopathic wastes of flesh and oxygen.
hey_there_delilah: Wtf man. You're seriously giving me shit for reporting animal abuse? Wtf are you talking about mate
ZeraskGuilda: Are those words a little too big for you? Shall I link you to a thesaurus (oops, a book that shows links between words and shared meanings).
hey_there_delilah: Okay man, you're starting to get under my skin. I don't know what you have against me but I don't think either of us need this conversation. Good day to you sir
ZeraskGuilda: Under your skin? No need. I'm simply calling a spade a spade..
I know all too well that you don't stand a chance in the real world. Your mentality simply won't allow it. I only regret that I won't be able to watch you fail at every turn. It'd be better than T.V, I'd bet. You've already shown that you can't handle a relationship of any value, and likely haven't even thought of extending a sphere of influence outside the dorm life. A fool's bet that you end up with nothing and alone.
Maybe then you'll learn something about the Human Condition. Maybe then, you'll learn what true pain really is.
Savor that. It won't last.
| 17 | -1.588235 | |
1393278861 | 1393345516 | t3_1yty1q | t5_2to41 | 53 | throwaway2044: TIFU by sleeping with a friend and getting pregnant
Ok, so obviously this wasn't physically today, but I found out today that I am pregnant.
Hooked up with a guy I knew since high school and it was the most amazing sex. He was sweet and just awesome in bed.
It was legitimately the perfect hook up.
A few weeks later my period never comes. I'm freaking out, but at the same time I figured I could just be off by a few days. WRONG!
I bought a home test just to reassure myself that there was no way I could be pregnant and low and behold, it was positive.
Now, here I am, pregnant with a kid of a guy I don't even know, trying to decide if I want to keep it or start a family with a stranger that I have no sort of relationship with, except for the fact THAT I'M PREGNANT WITH HIS KID!
I'm not sure if I'm asking for advice, but if you're going to going to judge me then don't say anything.
Thanks for listening.
TLDR; hooked up with a guy, few weeks later I found out I'm
Pregnant and have no idea what to do.
Edit: Thank you everyone for all the advice! i've yet to make a decision, but I am definitely keeping everything you guys are saying into consideration. Thank you so much for all the support since I have not told anyone about it, except him.
WPBDoc: I knew a young girl who had this same thing happen. She wasn't ready to be a mom. She allowed my wife and I to adopt him. His name is Lane. He is a strapping 16 year old. He is THE JOY of my life. The best gift I've ever gotten. I think he's pretty happy with how it turned out too. We're best friends.
throwaway2044: I just don't know if I have the heart of giving him/her away after having it for 9 months.
Really, what scares me the most is that we are both still in college and he is financially unavailable. At the same time, it would be really hard to do it by myself.
I really have no idea what to do.
flume: What do you mean by financially unavailable?
Does he know you're pregnant with his child?
throwaway2044: Yes, he does. He's still in college and lives in a dorm with no job or pretty much anything to help the situation.
| 5 | 10.6 | |
1393265844 | 1393608457 | t3_1ytaaa | t5_2to41 | 66 | [deleted]: TIFU by offering to let my dad read my ejaculate-crusted videogame magazine
Full disclosure: this happened back in 8th grade when I lived at home (I’m at university now).
In my teenage years my nighttime routine consisted of masturbating alone in my room. After blasting away into a tissue, I would discard the sodden paper rag into the trashcan next to my bed, and fall into that sweet sweet orgasm-induced slumber.
One day the tissue box was empty, and in the heat of the moment I was forced to let loose on my own stomach. I’ve always been an introspective man, and for that reason I get uncomfortable when dispersing mounds of my own semen across my chest so it dries evenly, or balancing the relative merits of huddling in front of a fan to accelerate the drying process. Luckily I had an open issue of “Game Informer” nearby. I grabbed it, wiped myself down, shut the magazine and threw the issue in the trash.
The next morning I was wasting time on my computer and my dad walked into my room. He looked around and asked if I’d finished the ‘space magazine.’ He’s always been into that stuff, so I said yes, he could take what he wanted. He bent down and reached for the trash.
Time stopped. I recalled with sheer horror that the fateful money-shot magazine featured a space adventure game across the cover. My dad picked up the magazine. I had to save us. If he forced those pages apart, the audible dried cum “crack” and telltale stain would cloud both his face with my semen particles, and my heart with shame.
“No!” I burst up from my chair and grabbed the magazine from his hands. “I...uh...haven’t read that one.”
“It’s in the trash”
“No but you can’t read it. I haven’t finished it yet.” He looked at me, clearly judging this little shit he’d raised since birth, and walked out of the room in disgust.
**tl;dr**: Acted like a dick to my dad to save him from my cum.
pitchmeaway: I got a solution for you!! (serious)
Yeah you probably do want to fix this because your dad thinks you're a dick or you hurt his feelings--it just didn't go well.
So here's what to do: just say this, "Dad, sorry about the magazine in the trash the other day. I'm embarrassed to have to tell you this, but i think i should explain. I didnt want you to find the boogers i wiped in there. So when you wanted it i was like, 'sure!' but then i remembered the snot and had to act all stupid to keep you from finding that."
boogers = way less embarrassing than white crust.
totallynot13: >other day
6+ years later?
pitchmeaway: Yeah, i think i missed that part.
| 4 | 16.5 | |
1393281108 | 1393344149 | t3_1yu24o | t5_2to41 | 32 | ACStellar: TIFU By trying to give myself Cancer
So Reddit, today I fucked up.
As a short backstory I work in a lab at college. I'm an undergraduate physics major and part of my job where I work involves sample fabrication. Much of said fabrication is done in a cleanroom environment and most of what i do requires the use of various nefarious chemicals. Needless to say today I was finishing a batch of samples after some photolithography (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Photolithography) and had used chlorobenzene (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chlorobenzene) to promote undercut in my layers when upon going to dump it out in the hazardous waste bin, disaster struck. I managed to tip over the beaker while trying to pick it up, causing a rather large splash of the chemical to arc over the edge of the fume hood and land squarely on my leg. I of course mildly freaked out. I bailed out of the room and managed to strip off my cleanroom gear with the stench of chlorobenzene filling my nose. I quickly found a trash bag and stuffed the now toxic outfit in, but not until after the smell had permeated the entire gowning room.
Bathed in noxious fumes I fled the scene, informing my lab mates of what I had just done. While I should be completely fine, the whole spilling an extremely carcinogenic substance all over myself thing, was a bit of a fuck up.
Tl:Dr Tried to clean up in clean room, spilled chlorobenzene all over myself.
irGoodman: The only surefire way to get cancer is with your scrotum and a microwave.
SatansChronic: Directions unclear, scrotum trapped in microwave.
| 3 | 10.666667 | |
1393279822 | 1393361684 | t3_1ytzrq | t5_2to41 | 25 | never_stayin_late: TIFU by Staying Late at School
So I got this disorder called depersonalization (not diagnosed by a doctor but it's pretty obvious to me that I have it). Its a horrible thing when suddenly you feel like you're in a dream and you're out of your body and you just start panicking and think you're going to lose control of the body (even though you never lose body function). And for me, it gets worse if I'm by myself at night outside. And you can never predict it, so basically it comes and goes.
So since I've been feeling good for past few weeks, I stayed late at my university to study for a test and it was pretty late, like 11-11:30pm. And my walk home (no buses run my route after 10pm) is like 30 mins.
As soon I get off the chair in the library, it hits me. I start to feel weird. Ohh fuckk...I need to get home!! That's my only thought. I start freaking out and have trouble breathing. And walking/thinking is kinda hard. (Ever tried punching in your dream? it's hard, isn't it)....it's kinda like that. I get a panic attack on top of this. There's no way I'm getting home so I start to freak out more. I feel dizzy and start sweating.
Clenching my hands so tightly, I think "I'm soo fucked".
And then....I see a taxi nearby and decided to take it home. No way I could have walked home alone.
Never again am I staying this late at school. And fuck this disorder.
odiro: Dude you need to see a doctor what happens if it becomes worse or a situation happens where the diagnose will be needed.
never_stayin_late: I had it for 7 years on and off...been to many doctors, they don't know what's wrong and I was so angry at them for being so dumb...they even thought I had vision problems and made me wear glasses. Then they finally generalized it and say i have anxiety (which is kinda true). Only thing I haven't tried is a therapist....I might give it a try if it gets really bad. I didn't have any attacks since this incident so that's good i guess. Only he internet helped me find the name of this disorder so I kinda feel like I have some control now that I know what's wrong.
odiro: Just remember people on the internet will not always be professionals giving you advice.
never_stayin_late: ya, I do keep that in mind when surfing the web :)
| 5 | 5 | |
1393295862 | 1393299315 | t3_1yusmk | t5_2to41 | 96 | ErynSMA: TIFU by getting period blood all over my dog.
I was sitting on the toilet earlier and the door was cracked open. It's that time of the month, and I went to go pull out the [softcup](http://nicolejardim.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/Softcup.jpeg) that catches all the blood when my dog ran in and jumped on on my leg. My hand swung up, and the contents of my cup spilled all over my dog's face. She just sat down, tongue hanging out, perfectly happy with a bunch of disgusting vag blood all over her.
TLDR; Gave my dog a bath with period blood.
Edit: Changed the link to just an image.
drug_thief: Way to advertise softcup with your fuck up.
Edit: for reasons I don't even know I visited the website and it says you can wear softcup during sex how does that even work?
ErynSMA: The woman just puts it in her vagina and it catches the blood and keeps it from getting all over the dude's junk. It's more or less like a diaphragm in design, so the way it goes in, it's not really acting as a barrier like a tampon would. It works super well expect on heavy flows days, most of the time my husband doesn't even notice it's in there.. Shit, now I am starting to sound like an ad for them.
Piepounding: Is that a DivaCup?
ErynSMA: Same in theory, but completely different design and disposable.
| 5 | 19.2 | |
1393300198 | 1393671450 | t3_1yv0de | t5_2to41 | 29 | ElectricEntity: TIFU by probably making a mentally challenged kid wet his pants.
So, in my honors geometry high school class, every Monday, we go down to the gym and play kickball with the mentally challenged kids. We all get into the spirit and try pretty hard sometimes. So, the ball is kicked on the ground to me. Since we didn't have many players, I was alone in the back. So, the kid who kicked the ball is rushing to second. I focus on him, not really noticing the mentally challenged kid in front of me until it's too late. I throw the ball at the kid rushing toward second and nail the mentally challenged kid in the back of the head. I didn't notice this next part in the gym, as I kept going for the ball, but apparently he opened his mouth in shock, grabbed the back of his head, then covered up his private parts with his hands. I did, however, see him go to the bathroom. We all think he wet himself. Fuck me.
[deleted]: You should have pulled the Billy Madison move, "If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis." That would have totally redeemed your cruel and heartless ways.
ElectricEntity: :(
Cancani: :(
| 4 | 7.25 | |
1393292284 | 1393349594 | t3_1yum3i | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by drinking my Dad's piss.
I got really really high and got dry mouth, like any typical stoner would do, I'd go and get a drink. I knew there wasn't any soda in the fridge, so I went to the bathroom to drink from the tap, don't know why? But the fucking water wasn't working, so in desperation I looked for something in one of the cupboards in the bathroom, then I saw...A clear liquid in a container, thought it was water so I drank it. The label was facing backwards and it said '(My Dad) Urine sample 23/02/2014'. I read it straight after I drank it in curiosity of what was on the container. I fucking puked, I was horrified. I looked in the mirror in disgust. I mouthwashed the fuck out of my mouth. I soaped it. Scrubbed it. And now my Dad's gunna realise it's gone, would else would do it? Certainly not my mum and I'm an only child. FML.
rzmohno: ... refill it.
lucifersam96: with his weed laced piss? sounds like a bad idea.
rzmohno: apple juice, dog piss, think outside the box. besides, anything is better than your old man finding out you drank his piss
| 4 | 3 | |
1393306323 | 1393352294 | t3_1yva0i | t5_2to41 | 75 | HardHatBoy: TIFU By wishing this girl I really like "Happy Valentines Day!" on her Facebook wall
First TIFU long time lurker here, so I'm hoping this one doesn't get to anyone, hope I'm doing this right. I know it's a little late too...
Bit of a background story, me and this girl have hung out casually, we've been friends for a couple of years and it almost seamed like she was into me for a while there. anyways for the last few months I just haven't been able to get her off my mind, oh I forgot to mention I've been single about 2 years now, and she's literally the only girl I hang out with in the city I live in...might have just a little bit to do with it.
So what's surprising in this story is I actually did end up coming up with a Valentine's gift for her but never gave it to her, though I for some reason thought it would be smarter to post my feeling's to her on her Facebook wall, low and behold she defriends me. A couple day's later I run into her and a couple of her friends at the mall we both usually hang out at, she seams a little stand offish, and awkwardness ensues. Her, her friends and I latter walk into this card store at the mall where I try to sew things up a bit by at least apologizing for my error in judgement. I know there's still that awkward vibe though still between us, and she won't text me anymore, and I know now I have to fix things somehow. and I'm basically hoping that she maybe reads this cause really I just want her back as a friend even.
TL;DR Told a girl I like "Happy Valentines Day" She took it badly.
Lakonthegreat: Fuck that immature bitch dude. If that's what you're gonna get for being open and honest with her then it's time to move on. There are plenty of other women out there. She's not the only one.
barnacledoor: OP handled himself in an immature manner. You want to talk to someone about your feelings? You do it properly in a non-public venue. You spout off on her Facebook wall for everyone to see and you look like an idiot and an asshole for not having any boundaries. It is totally putting her on the spot in front of all of her other friends instead of handling it like a reasonable person face to face or at least in some private sort of communication.
LockeNCole: So, either way, OP should forget her and move on. Gotcha.
barnacledoor: It isn't necessary. I think he can salvage the friendship if he gives it some time, but he needs to recognize that this is not the friendzone. This is her rejection of his romantic advances and he needs to see her exclusively as a friend. If he can't, then move on and don't even try to be her friend because it isn't from an honest perspective.
| 5 | 15 | |
1393305886 | 1393477912 | t3_1yv9cv | t5_2to41 | 30 | Tommygun9504: TIFU by downing a bottle of iced coffee milk that had been incubating in soil and leaves for 24 hours
TL;DR down the bottom if you're THAT sort of person...
Some background:
I'm a Year 11 (11th grade) high school student in New South Wales, Australia, and every Monday I attend TAFE (public training institute, offers courses in pretty much everything) to study Information Technology. I have lunch there instead of at school, and that's a pivotal point in this fuck-up.
Another key detail is that the bottles of iced coffee milk sold at our school canteen (cafeteria) turn into single shot bottlecap launchers when empty and jumped on. They make a loud bang and my friends give their bottles to me when they're done so I can go spook some unsuspecting students for a laugh.
As I wasn't at school yesterday for lunch, I wasn't aware that some of my friends had stolen another friend's (We'll call her Tabitha) full bottle of milk for a laugh and buried it in soil and covered it with leaves. It had been left overnight and I was none the wiser.
Fast forward to today at lunch, and my friends had put the incubated bottle (after wiping it down) back into Tabitha's bag in an attempt to fool her into drinking it. Upon opening her bag she found two bottles, so she handed one to me and the other for herself. My friend's see this and assume Tabitha took the incubated one (which would be warm) and gave the fresh one (which would be cold) to me, it's the sort of thing she does.
I downed the entire thing, briefly wondered why it was warm and tasted weird, then proceeded to spook the shit out of the Year 8 students that sit near us. No biggie.
A few minutes later, Tabitha lets one of my friends take a sip from her bottle of iced coffee milk. He realises it's cold, goes "oh shit" and asks me if the one I drank was warm and/or tasted weird. I instantly assumed the worst and said "yes... why?"
My friends explained the whole situation to me and I accepted blindly that I was absolutely fucked. I soon forgot what had happened and went about my day. Little did I know just how fucked I would be later...
Fast forward to this afternoon. I got home from school at 3:30 in the afternoon (it's just past 4 now) and I sat down on my bed and felt a tremor from my stomach that I very nearly mistook for an earthquake. It didn't take long for the events of lunch to come back to mind and before I knew it I was racing to the toilet, I made it but my heart sank; it was occupied. I quickly thought of a plan B and sprinted to my parent's ensuite with a speed that could give Usain Bolt a run for his money.
I sat down on the toilet and I was totally unprepared for the insanity that followed. If you can imagine a shit version of The Great Wave off Kanagawa, this was it. Shortly after the start of this potential unnatural disaster came the vomit stage. The sink in this room is fairly close to the sink and my first instinct was to get up and spew in the sink, but in a split second I thought of the brave men and women of the counter reset crew at /r/TIFU and I feel that today I did them a service. In a truly impressive display of expert shittiquette I was able to keep my shitsunami aimed squarely in the bowl and NOT in my pants, while still keeping my vomit in the sink.
For some time this went on until the floodgates closed and there was not a drop of shit or vomit to be found in my system. I flushed and left the ensuite stumbling and writhing in pain. Somewhere I found the strength to stand and pull my goddamn pants up, and after some time spent face down on my bed, coming to terms with the insanity that preceded this moment, I got myself together and sat down at my computer to tell this truly TIFU-worthy tale.
TL;DR, drank iced coffee milk that had been buried for a whole day and night, got home and exploded in a ball of shit and spew, don't reset the counter though because I'm an expert shit-marksman
Boom_harvey: Way to save the counter!!!!
Tommygun9504: Too many avoidable counter resets seem to grace TIFU, I do my best not to add to them :p
Pointwest418: You'd think that after the 10th time someone shits their pants on this sub everyone would learn from the persons mistake
Tommygun9504: My thoughts exactly, I'm surprised we don't get more near miss stories like mine on TIFU
| 5 | 6 | |
1393327251 | 1393350229 | t3_1yvtxo | t5_2to41 | 17 | KnockYouOffYourBroom: TIFU by drinking my Dad's piss.
I got really really high and got dry mouth, like any typical stoner would do, I'd go and get a drink. I knew there wasn't any soda in the fridge, so I went to the bathroom to drink from the tap, don't know why? But the fucking water wasn't working, so in desperation I looked for something in one of the cupboards in the bathroom, then I saw...A clear liquid in a container, thought it was water so I drank it. The label was facing backwards and it said '(My Dad) Urine sample 23/02/2014'. I read it straight after I drank it in curiosity of what was on the container. I fucking puked, I was horrified. I looked in the mirror in disgust. I mouthwashed the fuck out of my mouth. I soaped it. Scrubbed it. And now my Dad's gunna realise it's gone, would else would do it? Certainly not my mum and I'm an only child. FML.
Yaldaba0th: You were drunk/high and you accidentally spilled it on the floor. Happens when you're intoxicated. Problem solved.
DerpyTheGrey: You dont need to add the drunk/high part, just say you were a clutz, problem solved.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1393324359 | 1393389421 | t3_1yvs6c | t5_2to41 | 32 | [deleted]: TIFUgiving me the silent treatment
o
neongoyf: Completely unfair of her, you did not fuck up. You should not have to apologise. She implied she wanted a better body, she should take what you said positively - as encouragement to fix that.
kingsleigh: you're single aren't you
Tibeerius_Kirk: Married
| 4 | 8 | |
1393332977 | 1393395326 | t3_1yvz50 | t5_2to41 | 89 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving my friend outside a Mcdonalds at 4AM.
Last night, me and some friends went out for drinks. The night started out good, until the point I stopped to remember. I blacked out after my fourth drink, and literally remember zero. Come to wake up this morning and my friend tells me that at some point last night, me and my boyfriend decide to go home and take one of our friends too. I, passed out in the front seat do not remember anything, my boyfriend apparently got the munchies and asked my friend if she wants to get him a cheese burger at a nearby Mcdonalds. Now apparently we were driving through a really bad neighborhood at the time, and when she went out to get the food, we just drove off. There is no reason why we did, but we left her there stranded at 4AM. She called him ten minutes later yelling at him to come back and get here, to which my boyfriend responds," OK.." and just continues to drive home. She had to take a taxi home.
TL;DR My boyfriend dropped my friend off to buy him a cheeseburger at 4AM and just drove off leaving her there.
Bigdx: Whole crew gets black out drunk, drives, then brags about it. Here have some front page action.
hey_there_delilah: I never understood why people drink and drive. They cause accidents much more likely, and they often kill other people too. It is irresponsible.
IHopeYouStepOnALego: Most drunk driving accidents end up with the innocent victims dying and the drunk walking away fine. You have to live with that for the rest of your life, missy likely in jail.
Pointwest418: I read that too. The alcohol delays the tensing of muscles, so the drunk goes with the force rather than resists it like a normal human
PancakeMonkeypants: So what you're telling me is that everyone on the road should be drunk, so we're all safer together? Sounds like a plan.
Pointwest418: No, just that drunks cause more crashes, but survive more than their victims
PancakeMonkeypants: Sorry I was just joking.
| 8 | 11.125 | |
1393350036 | 1393376835 | t3_1ywokp | t5_2to41 | 1,093 | Caffeinated_Bacon: TIFU by shaving off my beard.
So, I wanted to get a fresh start on the beard instead of trimming it.
Smooth face is nice but I have gained some weight over the winter and without the beard I look like a big, fat baby. Luckily it will be back in about a week.^Seriously, ^guys. ^I'm ^fucking ^fat!
edit: The fingers I used to format were too fat.
QuestionSign: If it's that big of a problem why not just lose some weight? No judgment, legit curious.
Caffeinated_Bacon: I got my bicycle tuned up and road ready today to start commuting again. I do plan to lose weight.
QuestionSign: To be fair you lose weight via diet not really exercise to be honest
phys1kz86: No, you lose weight from being at a calorie deficit. That can be the result of maintaining your current diet and adding in exercise/cardio to your day, not just from dieting.
QuestionSign: The majority of your weight loss will always come from dieting. It's the biggest aspect to losing weight. It is always diet. always.
phys1kz86: Unless you have an extreme issue with gluttony or are trying to lose weight and an unhealthy pace, I'd argue you are mistaken. 500 calories a day difference from a current diet is enough to lose a pound a week which is a reasonable healthy rate of weight loss - this can be achieved through an exercise or cardio regimen quite easily.
This is a much different issue for someone who is a fitness competitor (as I have been in the past) where I would agree diet plays a much more significant role.
QuestionSign: [Science Article on the Matter](http://www.unm.edu/~lkravitz/Article%20folder/exandwtloss.html)
Now he argues that they are equal but if you read under what circumstances they were found to be equal, I would argue it is significantly easier to lose weight via diet primarily, furthermore changing your diet is pretty crucial to overall health anyway.
phys1kz86: The article clearly states in its recommendations: "They also suggest that substantial reductions in obesity and related comorbid conditions will result when daily exercise is performed at a moderate intensity for 45 to 60 minutes a day without deceasing caloric intake."
I'm not sure where you came to your conclusion from, could you point me to the part of the article?
QuestionSign: Yes well obviously the best results come from a combination of both I was discussing them in isolation.
| 10 | 109.3 | |
1393357252 | 1393368664 | t3_1yx1tv | t5_2to41 | 202 | [deleted]: TIFU by liking a video of a young girl dancing provocatively.
Last night my GF and I were sitting down to watch a movie, and I was absent-mindedly scrolling through my Facebook feed on my phone, not really paying attention. We have a "no phone" rule during movie-time, so when my GF started the movie, I set my phone aside and ignored it for the approximately 2 hours of run-time. I noticed my phone buzz a couple times during the movie, but ignored it, as per the rule.
When the movie was over, I checked my phone. I had a couple text messages from friends saying things like, "dude, you liking that video was hella creepy, what are you doing?" I was confused, so I called one to see what he was talking about.
Now, for a little backstory. A couple of my female FB friends are dance instructors, and they will occasionally share dance videos with each other. On this particular night, one had shared a video of a ~7 year-old girl, wearing a midriff-revealing tube top, shorts, and stripper boots, doing a full-on booty-shaking dance. (Remember that video of the young girls dancing a few years ago that caused such an internet uproar? It was like that, except just one girl. I'd say they're pretty disturbing videos unless you're a dance instructor, like my friends.)
As it turns out, I had unknowingly managed to hit "like" on the video as I scrolled past it. I had then, as you remember, put my phone down and ignored it for 2 hours. So all that time, my "like" was visible to anyone checking facebook, like a gleaming testament to my apparent pedophiliac creepiness.
By the time I got back on to remove the 'like", the only people who had liked it were my dancer friends, our mutual gay friend, and me, a 26 year old childless male.
My girlfriend, of course, thought it all was fucking hilarious.
Gehalgod: > a video of a ~7 year-old girl, wearing a midriff-revealing tube top, shorts, and stripper boots, doing a full-on booty-shaking dance.
What I'm wondering is, why do videos like that exist in the first place? Is it just so innocent guys like you and I can accidentally look like paedophiles?
chink_nigger: > innocent guys like you and I
Nice try.
| 3 | 67.333333 | |
1393363489 | 1393432601 | t3_1yxdpp | t5_2to41 | 40 | [deleted]: Tifu by sharting my pants.
Hello,
Over the weekend I fucked myself over by sharting myself and going to my works new facility to clean myself up. You see in order to enter this building you need to use a card reader this is also the same to enter specific rooms and these rooms lock automatically behind you. So I pull up to the employee entrance and waddle to the door to let myself in and I get a card error so I try a couple more times and it finally reads and I go in. I head up to the employee bathroom and clean myself up. Afterwards for some reason I decide I need to test my card with my work area. I try the card on three doors and it works fine. Fast forward to today my supervisor tells me a 80,000 dollar piece of equipment was left on over the weekend AND a 30,000 dollar piece of equipment is missing. I am freaking out, they should have my card i.d on file for the weekend and I'm afraid I'm going to get pinned down for the missing equipment. I haven't told my supervisor this because I basically have to explain I shit my pants and didn't want to travel 45 mins to clean myself up. I do plan on telling my supervisor just not looking forward to it.
GuntherTime: I would imagine if a company has a 80,000 dollar piece of equipment they'd have enough money for some cameras.
Simmantech: It's a new building and they are still working on security, a month ago the rfid cards didn't even work correctly. Also I believe the security cameras are recorded to a USB so I don't know how reliable that is.
GuntherTime: Ahhh I see. Well either way if they try anything you can still pull the camera scheme. Also were the three random doors you tried right next to each other?
Simmantech: Yeah, if the system actually worked it should have showed me access the doors within 15 seconds of each other. I don't know even if they keep track of it.
GuntherTime: Yeah that's what I was hoping for.
| 6 | 6.666667 | |
1393365397 | 1393431848 | t3_1yxhc1 | t5_2to41 | 220 | virgyboo22: TIFU by not clearing my Google search bar
So apparently one of my professors assigned a pop quiz last week which was to be done through Blackboard (the university/student website for submitting assignments, checking courses, etc) but it never appeared on mine. I emailed the prof and attached a screen shot of it to prove I didn't have an option for doing the assignment and right after sending it, I checked the screenshot and realized my Google search bar still had "weird bump near vagina" typed into it.
TectonicHeartbreak: Are you Canadian by any chance?
FaythDarkHeart: I go to University of Toronto and we use blackboard :) So I assume he is Canadian!!
The_Capulet: I don't know of a Uni that doesn't use blackboard. Canada, or no.
hovdeisfunny: /u/Unidan doesn't
Unidan: Actually, I do use Blackboard.
hovdeisfunny: But it can't cure your cancer :'(
PoloStripes: Wait what? I thought circlejerk was joking. Source?
[deleted]: Yeah, they gave him 4 months to live.
| 9 | 24.444444 | |
1393370002 | 1393437436 | t3_1yxprt | t5_2to41 | 75 | [deleted]: TIFU by not closing my door
Today I expericinced the most embaressing day of my life so far . It started after a long day of school . I came home and like most guys my age I felt horny , so I decided to masturbate . Little did I know my aunt was on her way to my house to take me to a dentist appointment , and worse than that I left my room door open . So mid way through me trying to bust a nut my aunt comes in and sees me naked and screams ," what the hell " (in Spanish). I quickly pick up my pants and say sorry . We then proceed to have the longest hour drive to my dentist appointment ,with little awkward chit chat . And that was my day.
EL_CAVEMAN: Always close the door.
Never use headphones.
Cover your junk during 'the act'.
Here are some rules for wanking, and unless you live completely alone and isolated from society, you need to follow these..
Unclejesster: Always, and I mean always use head phones! And remember to only put one on. Always leave an ear open to hear the approach of the SO, parent, sibling, family member, or random person that has decided they need to use your fapping station or they're going to reset the clock.
EL_CAVEMAN: Yes, you are right, what I meant was never mastrubate to sound, but if you must do it, do it with head phones, and one ear off.
| 4 | 18.75 | |
1393375090 | 1393385503 | t3_1yxyta | t5_2to41 | 38 | VLCisacone: TIFU by drooling in class
So i have a cold, and i usually can't breathe during a cold. And clearly when you can't breathe you end up drooling. My dumbass decided it was a good idea to fall asleep during my lecture. As i was sleeping, i ended up drooling on my notebook, ending up with blue ink on my face and snored so loud i woke up my self.
TL;DR: Dumbasses shouldn't fall asleep with stuffy noses.
Edit: Spelling
Pragmatism101: This made me giggle. Hope you feel better though :)
Free_Blowjobs: I love your name!
Pragmatism101: Many thanks!
If I may, please be safe. The world is a dangerous place, given your name. Cheers!
| 4 | 9.5 | |
1393378300 | 1393621046 | t3_1yy4c7 | t5_2to41 | 4 | backfire97: TIFU by accidentally hitting a truck while pulling out
So as back story im a senior at my high school and haven't even had my license for a year. I drive a relatively nice camry because all the other cars are uninsured or being used. Today as i was pulling out of the gym parking lot, i was had to turn, but in order to turn i had to cross a double lane road and then merge. Well I saw that no cars were coming from the left and only a couple were coming from the right, so i gently pulled out and was getting ready to merge. I had myself wait a second so the one car going left (the way i was merging) would pass but considering i was sitting square in the other lane just asking to be t-boned, i was ready to go. As he was passing i couldnt tell if he was in the close lane or the far lane and i decided to go for it. I clipped him. WE both pulled over and i got a hold of my dad. Nobody was hurt and i didn't do much damage to his car, but it is a huge embarassment, now i dont have a car and need to have my grandfather pick me up from school, and i lost just about all the money i have to spend on repairing my headlight and the man's bent up toolbox on the side of his truck. I fucked up so hard and for a teenager with no job that money won't come very easily and i just know i'm going to get a ton of shit and made fun of at school. Fuck me...
Edit: And insult to injury was that on my way to the gym, i was stupid enough to almost cross into a red light. I saw the light was green, came up on it, and it went red. I slammed on the brakes and still came into the lane a little bit so i had to back up. As if that wasn't embarrassing enough, a car drove by and the people in it pointed and laughed at me as they drove by. :/
lostdeceiver: > a car drove by and the people in it pointed and laughed at me as they drove by. :/
Wow, such jerks! Were they teens or adults?
backfire97: they looked like teenagers. I was feeling pretty already but i just pretended like they weren't there. It helped
Broue: As a teenager myself, i hate the way a minority ruins our reputation and credibility
| 4 | 1 | |
1393379595 | 1393437898 | t3_1yy6hq | t5_2to41 | 54 | 80pip: TIFU by making a bet with a friend.
A couple months ago, my friend started watching a French cartoon called Code Lyoko. I thought it was stupid, and he would surely stop watching soon. I made a bet with him that if he watched every single episode I would watch every single episode of the anime One Piece, (dear God, why this out of everything) which has about 600 episodes and still going.
...
He has two episodes left.
I'm thinking about faking my death.
XThe_OneX: Just finished!
Mokezueb: Where did you watch it ? I used to watch it all the time on cartoon network
LoydeReed: watch cartoon online has all the episodes if i remember correctly
| 4 | 13.5 | |
1393377846 | 1393384048 | t3_1yy3io | t5_2to41 | 16 | silvery_silver: TIFU by drinking tea.
I'm a pretty big tea drinker and when I buy tea, I put the boxes/tins in a single cupboard all together. When I choose a tea to brew, sometimes I choose one at random without looking at the box/tin unless I want a specific flavor.
A friend of mine, who is also a tea drinker, has been staying over at my place for the past week and she keeps her tea in the same cupboard as mine. I forgot about this little info when I made some tea last night.
I like my tea on the strong side, so I brew it for about 5-7 mins, but last night I forgot about the cup of tea and it was brewed for 15 mins. It was really mild and figured I should pop it in the microwave for 2 mins and then I left it to brew for another 2 mins. It was better, but still mild, but I didn't care at this point.
The next morning, apparently the gates of Hell rented out my ass because the gates were about to burst open. At first, it was a nice dump. 10/10. Right after, I went back to sleep. 30 minutes later, I woke up again to the same rush from the gates and ran to the bathroom. This time it was torture. I like my food REALLY spicy and last night I had some pretty spicy soup. My asshole burned so much I could have gave my neighborhood a preview of the Summer season. The rush would not stop and I sat on the toilet for a good 10 minutes waiting for it to be over.
This happened on/off for the rest of the day and decided to make some tea to calm my stomach.
Being the nosy friend that I am, I went to see if my friend bought any good tea.
This bitch bought laxative tea. I was suppose to brew it for 5-10 mins MAX.
The gates finally closed 30 mins ago. Now I will always read the labels.
-----
TLDR: I drank laxative tea. Shit the whole day.
EDIT: grammar
[deleted]: Ho-lee *shit* dude that's fuckin horrible. **I** drink too. I'm so sorry man. I ate almost 6 ounces of fresh peppers and my asshole burned like a thousand suns the next day. D:
silvery_silver: I'm just so happy it stopped. I still love spicy food, but it doesn't love me!
[deleted]: My grandfather would say something along these lines while eating a bowl of Jalapenos, fresh from his garden.
"They're so *hot*, but so **good**." as tears ran down his face.
| 4 | 4 | |
1393381189 | 1393442154 | t3_1yy9bo | t5_2to41 | 93 | Tibeerius_Kirk: TIFU at work by buying paint
Today while at work, my boss asked me to go to a house he is having painted (he owns rentals) to ask the painter what kind of paint and what color he needs. Also, how much more he will need. He looks at house and then tells me, in a heavy Mexican accent, "eh, five maybe. Yea. Five bucket."
So I head to the home improvement store with the info and get five 5 gallon buckets of custom mixed paint.
I then proceed to drive back and pull up to the house. I let down the tailgate of my truck and he stares at me with a look of horror.
I suddenly feel sick to my stomach. He meant five GALLONS.
I bought 25 gallons of nonrefundable paint on a company credit card. My mistake cost my company $750.
My boss was less than pleased. My boss is also my dad. I feel like I've let him down over something a simple clarifying question could've prevented.
thelovicmachine: That was totally your fault, how the hell do you go through the entire purchase without realizing you bought enough paint to cover the buckingham palace?
Tibeerius_Kirk: I'm not a painter nor have I ever painted a house. I assumed maybe you go over the house coating it multiple times. I don't know. And I clearly admitted It was my fault.
jarwastudios: Yes you were the one that got the wrong amount, but you asked, you went on what you were told. You screwed up, dude could have clarified better himself, and now you'll know to be more specific next time.
Tibeerius_Kirk: All a learning experience. I'm still young.
jarwastudios: Yep, I know I fucked a LOT when I was younger. Shit, I still fuck up from time to time. Life is learning.
| 6 | 15.5 | |
1393382303 | 1393388739 | t3_1yybar | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by confiding in a theatre professor. I was subsequently booted from a play.
**Backstory:** I have really bad self-esteem and I tend to emotionally invest myself in things. I set really high standards for myself and I beat myself up when I fall short.
When I auditioned for A Midsummer Night's Dream, I had my heart set on Titania, but I was okay with anything. When an alum theatre major landed the part, and I was given Moth, I was okay for all of five minutes -- but I thought, "This is your fault. You could have done better!" It doesn't help that I've always sort of thought I was faery-ish in an elegant way, and I prided myself on that. It's a nice thing to think -- and I don't have many of those.
My friend had signed my initials, on my request, to accept the role. But I kept imagining how the run would go, and how I'd end up hating myself for the entire run. I scribbled out the initials on the paper. I had to be sure before I committed to anything.
Edit: I need to add that she saw me today, twice. I was near tears both times. She asked if I was okay, both times, acting concerned.
**I sent the professor, who is the director, the following e-mail:**
"Professor --
There's a mark over my initials on the sheet. I put it there. I had Amy sign it for me earlier, but she did it in pen; I couldn't erase it, so I had to kind of scribble over it.
This doesn't mean I'm not accepting the role! I just need to be sure about it before I give you a definite answer. I need to be honest about everything, especially before I make a commitment. It's not scheduling conflicts. I'm really grateful for the part, considering that I know I didn't do well at auditions and that not everyone got a role. I keep reminding myself of how badly I did, and that I should have done better; if I wanted the part so desperately, I shouldn't have let my nerves wreck it for me and should have worked harder, since simply wanting something isn't good enough.
I'd ordinarily take anything, which is why I had Amy sign the sheet to me, but it's affected me more than I thought it would. I just need to see if I'll be okay, and I'm giving myself until tomorrow. I just don't want to beat myself up for the entire run, because I'm afraid that's going to happen. I understand why I got what I did. I truly do. I just need to make sure I'm okay before I move onward -- and I very likely will, but I want to be certain. Again, I don't want to be unsure of something before I make a commitment.
I hope that this doesn't come off in a negative way. I just wanted to be honest, and to tell you that I'm not rejecting the part. I actually am grateful that I got something, but I just need to accept it with certainty.
Also, any advice on how I could improve would be appreciated -- particularly on that part, since I may find myself trying out for it again someday, if I ever continue with theatre.
Thanks,
Authiel."
**I received this in return:**
"Authiel,
I do wish you had talked to me in person today. What I have to say might sound harsh, but it is not meant that way. I am going to say what any director will say, I don't want anyone to take a role that they have to "think about." A actor who is passionate about their craft never has to think about accepting a role. Only professional, big name actors have an option to say no to a role they've been asked to consider - and of course at that point, they're not auditioning.
It is also clear from your email that the role of is not good enough, especially since you didn't get cast as Titania. Again, that is a problem for me. Actors need to realize there are many variables that go into casting a play. The role you want might not be the right role for you based on a number of factors, or that you're not the right person in that role in terms of the overall ensemble.
You ask for advice on how to improve well you must be better prepared, don't tell directors/casting agents how nervous you are, and don't have your sights set on one role. If that is the case, then you indicate that or you immediately let the director/casting agent know you won't accept the role offered. I will tell you that your mindset will never help you succeed in any level of theatre.
Having written what you've written, I can no longer offer you the role. I hope you can understand my position on this, it is for the good of the production and, as you said, for the good of someone who didn't get cast that wouldn't need to think about it. There is no ill will on my part, it is simply how professional theatre is done and as our productions are the practical application of our academic program, professionalism is being taught.
Sincerely,
Professor"
**Reddit. . . Today, I fucked up.**
[deleted]: Don't feel too bad about it. It's a good learning experience! Disappointing, but there's nothing too embarrassing there.
> Edit: I need to add that she saw me today, twice. I was near tears both times. She asked if I was okay, both times, acting concerned.
Haha, that's definitely awkward, but in the scheme of things it's not a big deal. Professors see upset students all the time, so she probably didn't think twice about it after she left the room.
Authiel: Ooooh yeah, it was awkward! I just wanted to run! Heh. . .
At least this frees up some time for me. . . ? I dunno.
[deleted]: Well, it sounds like you had misgivings about the Moth role anyway, so at least you're not committed to something you mightn't have been that enthusiastic about. Plus the professor had some decent points that should help you the next time you audition for something. On the whole, not too much of a fuck up.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1393380930 | 1393868152 | t3_1yy8uu | t5_2to41 | 54 | TemporaryFireCrotch: TIFU by trying to cook a romantic meal
So, today is our one year anniversary, and I wanted to do something special for my bf. He loves when I'm naked and he loves when I cook for him, so I figured I would combine the two. So I'm making a roast chicken and he's loving every minute of it, watching me walk around the kitchen naked.
I go to open the oven and every inch of my body is hit by a wave of 425° heat. **BOOBS ON FIRE. VAGINA ON FIRE. FEELS LIKE I AM IN THE OVEN**. Boyfriend dies of laughter as I flail nakedly around the kitchen.
Quite possibly the least romantic gesture ever.
**TL;DR:** You should wear clothes when you cook a meal.
sabotank: oy! at least you weren't frying. learnt the hard way on that one...
[deleted]: Yep, I learnt the hard way there too whilst not wearing pants with a wok full of hot oil...
That_Deaf_Guy: TIL reddit is not a smart community.
PUBLIQclopAccountant: That's common knowledge from day 1
| 5 | 10.8 | |
1393383347 | 1393440741 | t3_1yyd2b | t5_2to41 | 15 | Tht1nick: TIFU by smoking pot inside my house...
Hey long time reditor, first time poster.
so this didn't happen today but i feel like sharing my fuckup. it happened about a year ago.
A little back story here; Im 16 currently in grade 10. So i lived in a small town and commuted everyday about 30 minutes to school in a different city, so i started high school in this city and i made many great friends, ones that i would hate to lose. so last year my parents decided it would be fun to move away about 500 kilometers to a place where we literally knew no one. i absolutely hated it, so i convinced them to let me move back to the city and so now i'm living with my grandpa, and he doesn't exactly live in a normal house, noooooo he lives in a fucking old nunnery, church and everything!!!! its actually still semi used by the school that sold it to him. ( private catholic school!! (important)).
so my fuckup begins when i move back and you know that feeling of importance? well that shit hit me like a freight train, everyone wanted to hangout and blaze ( smoke weed) and i was down for it! so one afternoon i invited about 5-7 people (don't remember i was to high) over to my place. I knew my grandpa wasn't going to be home till really late so i thought i was safe... so my friends pull out a bong and were blasting music, there's a vaporizer that's being passed around as well. So were mid sesh, and i walk out of the room and to my surprise there's a man standing in my hallway!
me "umm hi who are you?"
Man "who are you?"
"i'm ****, ******* grandson."
"oh well i'm the principal of this school and i was just wondering who was smoking the dope?"
At this moment i literally died and came back to life, my heart sank so deep, i was so cheeched i think i teered up a bit...
all i could mutter is
"umm yeah that's us..."
"well you should stop"
And he promptly left.
So i gathered everything and kicked my friends out but i wasn't as scared as i shoulda been..
Now it was probably the drugs and me just being so stupid but i was so relieved i was all like "YESSSS HOME FREE" but no my juvenile side got the best of me, i should have known better...
The next day i get a bunch of texts from my parents telling me how dissapointed they were and all that and how i fucked up and how sending me away from them was a terrible idea and how i'm obviously too irresponsible to have so many privelidges...
Basically i got allot of talking to and i learned my lesson and im gonna be waaaaaaay more careful in the future.
I fucked up and lost allot of trust that day.
thanks for reading.
CapgrasX13: Sucks dude. I'm happy you didn't blow it out of proportion though. You'll look back on this and laugh, even if your parents don't. At least you didn't get the cops called on you.
Tht1nick: yeah im really glad that didnt happen but i think pot is decriminalized in BC now
CapgrasX13: Oh, you're Canadian. That explains a lot
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1393383208 | 1394547021 | t3_1yycu7 | t5_2to41 | 82 | [deleted]: TIFU by not saving my nude pics in a different folder in my phone
So I'm in a long distance relationship and I take nude pics and videos to send to my bf. well, I'm a graphic designer at a local sign shop and the other graphic designer forgot his dslr so he asked to use my phone for a quick pic of a van we're making graphics for. Well, I didn't think anything of it and unlocked my phone so he could use it. As soon as he's out the door I realize the last pic I have is of my vagina and I panic. When he comes back he kindly asks me to email him the pics he just took and says nothing else to me all day. I'm pretty sure he saw the pics and he's this super religious guy so he may think I'm a whore. To be honest I think it's hilarious.
Dirt_Bike_Zero: Was it an Android phone? I can tell you how to make a secret folder.
[deleted]: Sweet, how
Dirt_Bike_Zero: You'll need a file manager app. Then just rename a folder with a dot "." as the first character.
Babbefis: You could also download the app: "vault", which you need a password to enter. You can lock apps, messages (facbook and SMS'), pictures and videos.
| 5 | 16.4 | |
1393392018 | 1393516864 | t3_1yyr7r | t5_2to41 | 58 | Locrian_DM: TIFU by forgetting that babies have hands
Happened early last week.
My son started standing on his own a few months ago and now he can take awkward steps, maybe 2 or 3 at a time, before falling on his ass, and he can crawl like The Flash after way too many beers.
I set up the usual barricades to keep him contained (folding gate, two couches, pack-n-play and 2 giant teddy bears). Thinking I had about 10 seconds to myself, I went to grab some pants. I return to a startling scene.
Red.... liquid red EVERYWHERE! My first thought was blood and I panicked, leaping over the couch in an adrenaline rush to see what had happened. As soon as I saw him I realized the real problem, and how close I had come to a real disaster.
I had left a tray table sitting in the penned area. Upon this table was a very bright red energy drink. My 11 mo had managed to reach the can and dump about 10 of the 16 oz all over the tray, couch and floor, but not a drop upon himself. I reached him just as he was trying to tip the rest of the drink into his mouth.
Crisis not-so-averted, as my living room looked like a murder scene and the carpet is now permanently red, but at least he didn't drink any of it.
TLDR - Baby wanted daddy's go juice, now I'm out a security deposit.
ThatOneFace: Added to my list, "Reasons why to never have kids!"
But seriously, babies of any species get into everything! My puppy was just chewing on crayons.
Locrian_DM: Yup. Good outweighs bad a million to one though.
ThatOneFace: Eh, that's true for puppies for me, but kids are just a no go. :P
Yes, I know they're little miracles, I may change my mind someday, and life without kids can be hard to fathom, but kids are just not my forte.
Locrian_DM: They're not for everyone, that's for sure.
| 5 | 11.6 | |
1393421996 | 1393437400 | t3_1yzk4q | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating too much
So,as a lonely student,I eat at the school's cateen.Food is fairly balanced.Yesterday though,they had Kebab and Frys.It looked something like [this](http://foodreporter.s3.amazonaws.com/original/365/36451.jpg).And holy shit its delicious.If you're not a new guy on /r/tifu ,you probably know where I'm going.At the canteen,I obviously eat with lots of friends,and some of them don't like Kebab,so they decided to give me their food.And I eat it.About 2 and a half of it.Fast forward 5 hours,its around 10PM and I feel sick,with my belly hurting me.Fast forward 3 hours,its about 12-1AM and I wake up with the huge urge to vomit.I ran to the toilet,waking my mom up.I coudn't vomit for about an hour.I didn't vomit;my belly hurt and still hurts,but I did sleep it off.Fuck my life.
ClintRenee: So...you didn't shit yourself? The counter is safe! Hurray!
MissaRosa: He didn't do *anything*...
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1393429359 | 1393433628 | t3_1yzuvn | t5_2to41 | 32 | RassimoFlom: TIFU twice by inadvertently revealing my inherent racism
I needed to have a conversation testing a webcam with an Indian/English guy at work.
So as he walked past, I made funny hand/eye phone call signs.
And he came over baffled. So I said "remember the webcam" and he said:
"You have me confused with another Asian guy don't you."
Cringe.
I almost started to lie. And then I said yeah. Then I tried to save it by saying:
"I confused you with [Samuel L Jackson](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ToaHQI9X5RI)."
Which at least he found funny. Luckily he got the reference.
THE TWO DO LOOK SIMILAR THOUGH AND I HAVE ONLY MET THEM A HANDFUL OF TIMES!!!
Then I explained this to my black co-worker and forgot the other actor who the anchor confused with Samuel L Jackson. I thought it was Denzel.
Luckily he found it funny.
Anyway, I am Jewish. We get 6 million passes.
molbionerd: I thought all those passes were burned?
ChangingtheSpectrum: Oh dear god.
| 3 | 10.666667 | |
1393432881 | 1393497263 | t3_1z0110 | t5_2to41 | 63 | itchy___balls: TIFU by getting poison oak on my balls.
I just moved home and got a new puppy about two months ago. Stay with me...
I recently visited an ex-girlfriend who lives several hours away. The breakup was more due to circumstance than anything else, and we've remained friendly in the years following. We ended up sleeping together, and I came back home feeling good about breaking my dry spell. Ever heard the phrase "when it rains, it pours?" A week or so after my sexual sojourn, I reconnected with an old acquaintance from high school, and we really hit it off. We started talking to each other every day, and I started to wonder if it could blossom into something more.
It was at this point that I started to notice that my balls were a little itchier than normal. In fact, there were twinges of pain if I shifted in a certain way. Being the curious type, I decided to perform an up close examination and was horrified to discover 10 or so little blisters that had broken open all in one general localized area. On the underside of my ballsack. Also being a high anxiety type in general, I proceeded to flip the fuck out. I think that most reasonable people, upon discovering a sore or rash on their genitals, might assume that they have come upon some sort of sexually transmitted affliction. I am not a reasonable man. I was convinced that I had some sort of hyper-herpes that was going to swallow up my whole sack and then start to spread over the rest of my body like Michael Jackson's vitiligo.
I went to the doctor's office the next Monday, where the doctor more or less confirmed my suspicion. He ordered a blood test for everything it was possible to test for, told me the results would be in by the end of the week, and wrote me a prescription for Valtrex (a common anti-viral medication). I started taking the meds, and spent the rest of the week locked indoors, avoiding contact with the rest of the world, washing my hands religiously, and not speaking with the girl I was growing to like. I did feel that I should do the responsible thing and contact my ex. Fun fact: the majority of herpes carriers show no symptoms. She had no idea that she was a carrier. She apologized like I have never heard apologies before, and we cried on the phone to each other for over an hour as we tried to figure out what to do.
The new girl had wanted to see a movie that week, and since I was both really into this girl *and* really into seeing the LEGO movie, I acquiesced and took her out Thursday night. After the movie, she asked why I had been avoiding her for most of that week. I was at a loss for words, and my poker face needs some work. She could tell something was up. I decided again to do the responsible thing and lay my cards on the table.
"I had...an outbreak over the weekend. I went to the doctor, and he's pretty sure that it could be herpes. Tests should come back tomorrow."
I have never seen someone's face fall so fast. She's a good girl and the idea that I had been slutting it up so recently was too much for her to take so early in the relationship. She left pretty quickly after that, and I haven't spoken to her since. The next day, one of the nurses called back to give me my test results. I braced myself for the inevitable, and was gobsmacked to hear the word "negative."
"...for *everything*?"
"It appears so, sir."
I took the news in, and I started to wonder. All of the pictures of herpes wieners that I had looked at on the internet, all of the horror stories I read, they all seemed so similar to my own experience...with one exception. Why had my outbreak been only in the one spot, so deep in the undercarriage? From my understanding, it was most common to break out in areas where there had been skin to skin contact, so most guys would develop sores on the shaft. It was at this point that I had a horrible realization.
When I was a kid, the family dogs would often run around in the wooded area behind our house. My little brother and I would play with them without incident afterwards, but every so often my mom would have poison oak transferred to her by touch. She would break out on her arms and legs pretty badly, which made her wary of the dogs in general. I always took this to mean that I was immune to poison oak. However, these sort of natural immunities tend to fade with age, and I had recently acquired a new puppy. Suddenly it dawned on me that what I needed was calamine lotion, not Valtrex. I had petted the dog and scratched myself afterward, causing an outbreak of poison oak in my nether regions. The rashes went away after a few more days of TLC (to my balls). So I not only caused a dearly beloved ex an undue amount of guilt and stress, I also exploded a new relationship before it even had a chance to begin - all because I couldn't keep my damned mouth shut until I knew for sure.
TL;DR: Played with my dog, got fake herpes.
FAKE_DR: It sounds like you have herpes. You should get that checked out.
PcMasterRaceJose: You should probably read the whole post ._.
PixelOrange: You should probably read his user name.
| 4 | 15.75 | |
1393434457 | 1393461802 | t3_1z03vu | t5_2to41 | 140 | heroicis_regnum: TIFU by spilling paint everywhere
Technically on monday but yeah.
Right so to give this story a little back story I recently (3 weeks ago) got a job at ASDA (englands wallmart) and am just a simple shelf stacker. Get the good from the warehouse, take them to the shop floor, simple stuff.
Anyway, this monday usual day as any, get given some cages to stock with. Anyway, I'm pulling the last cage through the walkway between the store and the warehouse when suddenly, it clips the side of the door.
This cage, since I didnt mention, it packed with paint buckets.
So about 20 paint buckets go falling off onto the floor coating me and all of the surrounding area.
Most people from the warehouse came to see what the commotion was and there I was paint covered just thinking FUCK.
Anyway so I spent about 2 hours with the cleaners sorting it all out walking through the warehouse covered in paint with everyone staring at me.
Oh well, had to cycle home covered in paint getting some weird looks.
Going in today so let's see what they say as haven't spoke to my manager yet.
Theusualtype: Let us know if they sack you OP. I'm interested.
heroicis_regnum: Nope didn't! Spoke to manager and he just said "I know it was an accident, just don't do it again." Then joked about making me wheel this paint off to the shop floor.
Theusualtype: That's good to hear. Its always horrible to hear about, and experience, shitty bosses. Glad to hear yours isn't one OP.
| 4 | 35 | |
1393439416 | 1393558315 | t3_1z0cye | t5_2to41 | 3,974 | MasterOstrich: TIFU by torrenting shit from both ends.
Fuck a throwaway I don't even want to think about this any longer than I have to.
I hadn't taken a shit for 4 days and decided that maybe I should take something to help out. I read online that Enemas are a reasonable alternative to the horrid pills. Rather and going out and buying one from the store I just took an empty shampoo bottle, rinsed it out and went to town. Well that helped nothing and so I went to bed. In the morning I woke up to the rumbling of 1000 earthquakes in my intestines. I make a mad dash to the porcelain and let all hell break loose. Turns out that the shampoo bottle still had shampoo in it and had festered inside of me for several hours. Thus began the reign of terror and destruction upon my colon. After the first assault I was stricken with the vomiting. With each continuing retch I propelled fluids out of both ends. I threw up into the trash can, only to realize that it was a mesh bin. All hope was lost and I secreted my stomach contents into the bathtub instead.
I dun goofed reddit.
Free_Blowjobs: I thought this was going to be about pirating stuff. =[
MasterOstrich: Once I'm done crying in the shower, can we talk about those blowjobs?
Free_Blowjobs: http://i.imgur.com/nViKW2W.gif
raptosaurus: She's a little young to be used in this context don't you think?
fullofgreendust: http://i.imgur.com/nViKW2W.gif
gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/BonyWhisperedDuckling](http://gfycat.com/BonyWhisperedDuckling)
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fullofgreendust: http://i.imgur.com/nViKW2W.gif
gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/BonyWhisperedDuckling](http://gfycat.com/BonyWhisperedDuckling)
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gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/BonyWhisperedDuckling](http://gfycat.com/BonyWhisperedDuckling)
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fullofgreendust: http://i.imgur.com/nViKW2W.gif
gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/BonyWhisperedDuckling](http://gfycat.com/BonyWhisperedDuckling)
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fullofgreendust: http://i.imgur.com/nViKW2W.gif
gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/BonyWhisperedDuckling](http://gfycat.com/BonyWhisperedDuckling)
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fullofgreendust: stop bot, I need my clipboard for things
http://i.imgur.com/nViKW2W.gif
r0nnybums: Having fun there?
fullofgreendust: no, not any more..
| 26 | 152.846154 | |
1393445040 | 1393470690 | t3_1z0nn7 | t5_2to41 | 25 | Girly_Anja: TIFU By leaving my laptops with strangers in a bar
So today i have really messed up,
i was in bar today doing school work on my laptop, when i really had to get to the toilet urgently. There was a couple sitting next to me, also students, and they seemed to be normal and nice people so i decided to ask them if they wanted to watch laptop for a while.(i was working on something and just wanted to go pee for a sec and come back). So i trusted them and went to toilet and when i came back, my laptop was gone, so were they.... i don't know if they just left and someone took my laptop, or if they just took my laptop and left. Now i am using my roommates laptop, but that's not a solution, i always took my laptop to my classes to take notes, so now ALL my notes are gone too, since i was stupid enough not to have copies on a USB device or somthing. As most people in college i guess, i am broke most of the time, so now i have no laptop and no money to buy a new one at all. I really could use some advice on how to get money(don't have a job). I am really desperate right now.
TL;DR : i left my laptop with strangers in a bar, when i came back both laptop and strangers were gone. lost a 500 euro laptop and all my notes/files because of my stupidness :(
BrooseWane: Only thing I can think of is asking if the owners of the bar have cameras or if they have any identifying information if the people paid with a card.
Girly_Anja: haven't really tought of that yet, i will go there tomorrow and ask, i know there is one camera but not sure if it covers the whole bar. definetly hope it works, thanks for the advice already :)
upads: No don't wait till tomorrow! Do it NOW! CCTVs have the attention span of a goldfish, and most surveillance system keeps their recordings for...24 hours. The it gets deleted (overwritten by new recordings). A particular cheap firm I once visited kept their recordings for...3 hours because they are too stingy to buy proper recording hardwares. Bars are not known for their generosity.
Also, some laptops comes with hidden location service. I once got my laptop stolen and reported to the retailer. They found out the serial number of the stolen laptop and reported it to the Lenovo home office. The moment the thief connects to the internet the laptop's location was logged and information sent to the police in secret. We arrested the thief in a week and fined him worse than prison can do to him.
This is from an adult with actual experience of thievery in her university days. Heed my advice, do the following:
1 Get to the bar, NOW. Ask NICELY to be able to view the tape. If possible state the exact time period of when it is stolen, the smaller time gap, the better. Viewing security tape is a shit job and he will like you more for every minute LESS he will have to watch and be more helpful. Yes, you can't watch the tape.
2. Call the police, when you are travelling to the bar. Report every situation and answer every question carefully. Without the police's authority you can kiss your laptop goodbye even if it is right in front of you on display and the couple refused to return it. The laptop is now a evidence of crime and taking it away forcefully is a crime to peace distribution.
3. If you have connections, call a barrister friend/relative after the police calls. They have the connection and power to fuck with those who doesn't want to help you(some people are lazy)
4. If you are willing to pay a little cash and are feeling lucky, check the car-boot sell. My old laptop was sold there according the police. It's usually sold at a very low price because the fuckers wants to get rid of their loot quick.
5. If all else doesn't work, claim insurance. Even if you didn't buy insurance yourself, your family have home insurance. Some home insurance covers for valuables lost and not found, even when outside the house. If you are in the UK, ask for the L-01 form from the police station, they'd know. Or check with your insurance company for the requirement and ask NICELY in the police station for it.
I know you are in a bad mood but the only one you need to fuck is the thief. Be nice to everyone else and they will help you better. Try to sound desperate and if you can feign tears, the better.
P.S. The tears part only work if you are a cute girl like me :P
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1393452538 | 1393479138 | t3_1z11ty | t5_2to41 | 11 | tifu2013: TIFU by having shitty fucking luck day after day
Ok 2 things first I made this account to post something in Novemberish but I pussied out, second this Fuck up began Wednesday 19 February 2014.
Ok so I'm a 3rd year undergrad student majoring in history, as such my coursework is essentially essays (4-7pgs usually) and research papers (8-25 depending on the course and professor) So last Wednesday at 0230ish I had finished my 15 page paper that I spent a solid 2 weeks researching and drafting. This paper is due 24 February 2014. So I had finished the paper with plenty of time leftover. Here's where the Fuck up begins I saved my paper on to my computer. After saving my paper I celebrated and treated my self to some walking dead and a nice fireball and Apple juice cocktail. After the episode is over I shut down the laptop and go to sleep happy with my lack of procrastination. From Thursday to Saturday I'm working and end up having to buy a new alternator and battery for my God damn car and filled up the tank costing me 300 dollars total. I had 13.46 Saturday night. So Saturday night I finally get to spend some quality time to myself and decide to have a fap before bed, ordinarily I'll use my glorious LG G2 to fap but that night I decided to treat myself to a full size laptop fap. Well I go to turn my computer on and nothing happens. Naturally I plug in the power adapter and try again. Nothing happens all I hear is faint ring/Buzz from the motherboard. Fuck me. I spend the next three hours trying to fix it, I do everything imaginable. Clean the fan, reseat the ram, reseat the cpu, clean electrical contacts everything! So I go to bed troubled and stressed (hadn't yet realized that my only copy of my 15 research paper) I wake up Sunday and that's when I realize holy fuckin shit My only copy of that 15 page paper is on that hard drive. I'm fucked. I email my professor but she never replied back to me. Come Monday morning I explain to her the situation and ask her if she can extend the deadline to Tuesday when I get paid and can buy a cheap laptop and a hard drive port to transfer my paper over. She tells me I can turn it in on Tuesday for one letter grade deduction. So here I am with no hope of anything higher than an B in this class. Fuck me.
TL;DR- finished 15 pages 5 days early, saved only on my computer, car wanted a 300 cash sacrifice, computer killed itself and took my paper with it, notoriously strict professor is fucking me.
masterofwolves: Always email yourself or your professor a copy.
tifu2013: I'm planning on using dropbox for every single thing I ever type again. Ever.
KristyConfused: That's not a bad idea. You could also go with Google Drive as an additional backup.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1393460439 | 1393472365 | t3_1z1g76 | t5_2to41 | 3 | MyMegaGame: TIFU By shaving my pubic hair
I thought it would be a good idea to shave my pubes 3 weeks ago, now my balls itch nonstop. I'm never shaving down there again.
HomelessInBangkok: I've found Nair or neet do a good job without the itching. Follow the instructions!
KaktusDan: But the instructions clearly contraindicate usage of said dipillatories "down there"!
HomelessInBangkok: The package I had didn't but then again I'm in Thailand so maybe the packaging is different. I will say do not get it on the tender parts. Seriously...do not get it on those parts as you will be hating life. Also I'd the first application didn't remove all you wanted, clean it up with a razor or give it a week before trying to reapply. Burns will happen if you reapply too soon.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1393449666 | 1393523857 | t3_1z0wcs | t5_2to41 | 21 | CerealBuyer: TIFU by buying cereal.
My friend is a redditor, browses this site, and could probably easily tell who I am so I decided to make a throwaway.
MY TIFU pales in comparison to most of the other ones on here, but it still sucks. The story takes place over the course of several years, but it is still pretty relevant today because it has impacted my life. Also, the bulk of the fuck up takes place about a year or so ago.
For background information I suppose that it is relevant to know that about three years ago I bought a box of Thin Mints. They were fucking delicious and I wanted to keep them all to myself. So somehow my mom is going through my room and she finds said cookies and gets pretty pissed, but she let it slide. So anyway, now she doesn't really trust me with food. Also, I'm a girl. And I'm bi. And I'm not out to my family. (I promise this is relevant)
Anyway, fast forward about a year and a half ago, when I was going through a huge health food kick (this is relevant, trust me). I got really into the Olympics and I developed a seriously unhealthy crush on McKayla Maroney. Because I was stalking her tag on Tumblr (literally the only time I've gone on that site) I found out that they made of cereal box of the gymnastics team. I got ridiculously excited, but brushed it off until two weeks later when I saw my city tagged with a picture of the cereal.
So what do I do, I go out and I buy a fucking box of cereal with her picture on it. Don't ask me why I did it, but I did. I didn't even like the cereal. I just wanted her fucking picture on a cereal box. I had to drive to four different places that sold cereal, I almost got caught doing it by two girls who went to my school, and the whole ordeal took way longer than expected so my mom got worried something happened to me. I should have known this would not have been good from the start.
Once I got a good opportunity to do so, I hid it under my bed. I mean, what else was I supposed to do with it? Tell my family, "hey guys, I totally bought this box of cereal because I have a huge celebrity crush on the girl on the front? Also, I have a crush because I like girls." So it was under my bed, where it was supposed to stay for an unknown period of time.
Flash forward again to about six months after that. My mom was helping me go through clothes and she went to pick up a shirt on the ground. Well guess what she found under my bed? If you guessed the box of cereal, you're right. So here comes her second freakout, which is worse than the first because this is actual food, not just addicting cookies. She asks me why I have a box of cereal hiding under my bed and I blank. I had no clue what to say, so I just said, "Well, since I was on a diet, I didn't want you to get mad if I wanted food." WRONG ANSWER!
Mind you, the box was unopened so I don't know why she actually believed this. But anyway she tells me to get rid of it and I say I will. I toss it in my car and there it hides for about another week until I have a chance to bring it back into the house (I didn't want to get rid of the box at this point, damnit!). So I bring it back in the house and I hide it again under the bed. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking.
So guess what. She finds it again. And she really flips her lid this time. Moreso than the last time, and honestly, understandably. So whereas the last time she just thought that it was me being stupid, now she thinks that I actually have a problem. And so she sits me down and we have a very long and uncomfortable chat about what is wrong with me. I had to convince her that I did not have any type of eating disorder and that I was mostly sane. Eventually she dropped it, probably because she got mad at me for something else.
Now my mom still thinks I have an eating problem that causes me to hoard food. And she still mentions my weird food thing from time to time, even though it's been a year. Also, she doesn't trust me and she thinks I'm hiding things in my room, which I most certainly am not anymore.
TL;DR: Had a crush, bought cereal, now my mom thinks I have an eating problem.
manncakes: Why would your mother be mad about you having food in your room?
LuxNocte: Hoarding food could be a sign of an eating disorder. Parents also tend to overreact. ("Why are your eyes red?" "I've just been swimming?" "*You've been smoking the devil weed!*")
| 3 | 7 | |
1393462550 | 1393543343 | t3_1z1js0 | t5_2to41 | 22 | TheEmbernova: TIFU by accidentally wiping every file on my family's desktop.
Years' worth of pictures, files, documents -- all gone.
Shit.
TheBanger: If you haven't been using it much you might be able to recover it with something like [Recuva](http://www.piriform.com/recuva). Also - what happened?
TheEmbernova: I don't think I can recover it.
Long story short, I tried to install bootcamp, partitioned some HD space for it, restarted my Mac with the Windows Installation disc, and somehow formatted my Macintosh HD partition as NTFS. Ended up just re-installing OSX.
themusicalduck: You can still recover it.. The data hasn't gone, the partition table has just been changed.
However, the more you continue to use the computer, the less data you are likely to get back.
TheEmbernova: I've tried using data recovery tools, I can't select any other partitions other than the new one I created reinstalling OSX.
Do you have any suggestions?
themusicalduck: I don't know all that much about hfs+ recovery specifically. Although a quick Google suggests this software http://www.cgsecurity.org/wiki/TestDisk
You might be better off using some kind of live CD (or USB pendrive) environment and an external drive to copy recovered files to, rather than trying to run software with the new OSX installation that runs off the drive you want to recover from.
Some recovery software running off an Ubuntu live session might work for you. I think the best thing to do first is just research it as much as you can and try a few different things out.
TheEmbernova: Thank you for the help. Would it be better to take it to some kind of specialist? I'm worried about screwing up even further.
themusicalduck: Yes, definitely if you don't mind sparing the cash for it. Just remember that the more you use it before taking it to someone, the more likely data will be overwritten, so it's best to use some other device in the meantime.
TheEmbernova: Thanks again, I really appreciate the help!
| 9 | 2.444444 | |
1393459086 | 1393594610 | t3_1z1dri | t5_2to41 | 7 | bananasox: Tifu by accidentally spraying listerine breath spray in my eye.
I am at the optometrist waiting to see if I royally fucked up.
Update: my optometrist told me that the spray burnt a layer of my cornea.
Thinkme_thinkyou: You should be fine...I did that too once.
Geaux_joel: Is this a typical occurrence for people?
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1393480274 | 1393592058 | t3_1z2bru | t5_2to41 | 23 | Travis__: TIFU by having marijuana parapharnalia on (high) school campus
Title says it all, a friend and I walked to my car during sixth period to grab a tennis ball to play with outside of class, next thing you know idiot me is showing him my little smoking kit. Now, for someone who's smoked only a handful of times, I was quite proud of what I had compiled so far. I had a RAW joint roller and papers, a grinder, and some lighters as well as other random wraps, visine, some gum, because it never hurts to be too careful, right? Luckily, there was no weed in the grinder so my punishment was much smaller than what I should have gotten. A Campus Security person approached me, I quickly got out of the back driver side seat and opened the trunk to get the tennis ball I originally came for (which I actually ended up having with me through out this entire story), but it was too late, and my hasty actions were easily noticed as I managed to leave the bag half open with some of my 'kit' hanging out of it.
Now, at my high school, my brother (who graduated 4 years before me) was always known for his history in drugs, specifically selling them to other students and whatnot, which also happened to pass down to me since the juniors from his graduating year were now the seniors, and so on. Even though I always vouched to stay clear of any of that nonsense, until this second semester, where decided that I'd rather enjoy what's left of high school rather than grinding out a last semester to get the lowest level of valedictorian. Oh, and also, we're also known for our cars I guess, which I always thought was silly, but a pretty big deal to the school's staff. He drove an M6 and I drive a CLS 550, but more on that later.
Back to me being an idiot. So at this point she was only approaching me since my friends and I like to park very, very close to each other's cars to make leaving as much of a bitch as possible. We're always careful about scratches and what not, so I've never worried about anything, but I get the campus security did, but once she got to the car, she realized she hit the jackpot with me.
So off to the office we go, I'm not worried at this point because I only assumed that we were going to the office for my parking. Once we get there, the campus security goes into our campus police officer I guess, and let's her know about what she's seen. On the way to the car, she asks me about what she will see when she opens the car. Know, I haven't ever been in trouble before, but I have always thought that I could handle one of these situations pretty well, which I think I did, at least. Here's how it went down:
We're walking to the car and she starts the questioning process, to which I realize that the only way I can make sure my friend is clear of any trouble (my main concern at the time) I completely denied any knowledge of what was in the bag, knowing that she would see through my story pretty easily. Now, being my fourth year at this school, I know pretty well how this cop thinks and her leniency with students, so I continue with my first bullshit story until she decides that she will ask for the truth and if I give it to her right then, she wouldn't press any criminal charges and wouldn't get the car towed. So I proceed to the main portion of my plan, claiming that it was my brother's bag and that he put it in the car when my parents went to LA to go see him on Monday. (Which was true, except for the bag being his.) She believes this story as I assumed pleading guilty would work out for me best here, which it did. So at this point, we're back in her office with my bag open for all the school's staff who were walking in and out of the office to see, and most of them played with the grinder too, while trying to figure out why the Indian kid with a 4.0, forensics speech and debate bullshit, water polo and swim, as well as community service at the local hospital was in the office with one of the stupidest fucking reasons to be caught with my stuff in the first place.
Once my parents get to the office, they talk to the officer and VP, verifying that they did in fact go to Los Angeles and that their eldest son did in fact have a history with marijuana usage, and had a medical marijuana card as well, removing whatever doubts that they had of me smoking, at the very least. So I'm free to go, with a one day suspension for marijuana paraphernalia possession, a two-week ban from any swim meets and debate tournaments, and the removal of my off campus pass.
Walking back to the car, I explained the truth to my parents and what I had really done, and my god they were pissed, but they've cooled down now, and accepted the fact that shit happens, but their trust will be very difficult to obtain in the coming future.
Fun facts: I realized that once I had said my second story about my brother that I would probably get in the same amount of trouble with me just telling the truth, but during my time in the office I assumed that without my parents backing up my story, I would have had to take a marijuana test at school, revealing that I was in fact smoking, and potentially getting my friends involved in the situation as well. Also, since I forgot where else to add this, I did not receive any documentation of this event due to my 'truthfulness' with the officer with me putting all the blame on brother, but in reality i don't think anything would have been able to be said considering there was no marijuana to be found.
TL;DR: I went full retard and parked close to another car, resulting in a suspension and the loss of my parent's trust.
Sorry, I typed this on my phone and I probably left out some pretty important information, so feel free to ask. Honestly, I only really wrote this so that when people ask me why I was suspended I don't need to tell my story of complete failure over and over again.
Bluntwrap: Lemme get this straight, you drive a $100k car and were able to convince a school you don't do/deal drugs.
Where do you live?
Travis__: Fresno, CA.
S0UNDH0UND: How is the CLS550 Anyway? My dad is extremely eager to get one...
Also, can't imagine how an Indian would be like with Marijuana in his system xD.
Travis__: Cool car, lucky to have the AMG and limited edition diamond white paint, not as much power as the M6 but still enough to have with.
BraveSock: If you actually had that Merc, you would know that it's called a CLS63 AMG. The CLS550 refers to the standard sedan with the 4.7L.
Travis__: Not sure if you're joking. The 550 AMG is the 5.5 liter V8, as opposed to the supercharged V8 that comes with the 63's 6.2L. And considering the fact there's no trim of the W219 that has EVER been built with a 4.7L. So yeah, sorry for wharver bullshit you read, but it was wrong.
BraveSock: I just realized you're talking about the pre 2010 model, but then it would still be called a cls55 amg. I was talking about the newer version, which only has the cls550 and then the cls63 amg and cls63 amg s trims.
| 8 | 2.875 | |
1393491367 | 1393538697 | t3_1z2mtl | t5_2to41 | 273 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally molesting my 10 year old neighbor in front of her parents
I'm an 18 year old guy who recently had a new family move in next door around a month ago. They have a 10 year old daughter who, ever since they moved in, has had a weird sort of obsession with me. She tries to talk to me every time were both outside at the same time, and she follows me around any time she gets the chance.
Her parents find this really strange because well, I'm 18 and she's 10. I'm nice to her because I don't want to be an asshole, but I try my best to stay away from her because of her parents not trusting me.
Today, the girl and her mom and dad came over for dinner at my house to get acquainted with my mom and dad. After dinner, the girl decided that she wanted to go jump on my trampoline and insisted that I come too. We went outside and her parents came outside to watch her for safety reasons while my parents cleaned up the dishes inside.
She had apparently just watched some action movie recently, because this 10 year old girl REALLY wanted to play fight. So before long, we were both jumping into the air flipping at each other like ninjas.
On one jump, I threw my arm out in a karate chop and my arm ended up near the lower part of her back. We came down on the trampoline and she landed on my hand hard. We both laid there for a second catching our breath with my hand still under her. I didn't notice the position of my hand because I was looking up at the sky instead of at her... I thought I was touching her upper back or something.
Before long, her dad walked over to the trampoline and snatched her up into his arms and gave me a really nasty look. That's when I realized that my hand had been on her butt the entire time. I couldn't even explain anything before they took their daughter and went back to their house without a single word.
Tl;Dr: was playing ninja on a trampoline with 10 year old girl. Ended up grabbing her ass and losing the trust of her parents forever.
WPBDoc: Trampolines are this generation's version of Twister.
jdubs2: Trampolines are older than twister.
poohspiglet: But they didn't use to be in everyone's back yard, and people were also smart enough to use them one at a time. We used to see them only at school and in gymnastic studios. Gym time on the trampoline was good times man. Only one allowed on at a time, and the rest of use surrounded it in case the jumper got too close to the edge.
WPBDoc: True, poohspiglets. We had to pay to use a trampoline when I was a kid, but we all had Twister games in our closet. Not sure why this was worthy of being downvoted.
poohspiglet: > Not sure this was worthy of being downvoted.
Are you telling me how to vote? Or asking? Because I honestly don't care what you feel is worthy or not. Geesh! WTF? I just now noticed I did NOT vote previously, and added a downvote just because you mentioned it. And it appears I'm not the only one who felt that way.
WPBDoc: No....I wasn't saying that at all. I was actually agreeing with you. Was I typing too fast for you to read? Sheeesh..... (Feel free to downvote this one to hell and back if you'd like. I could not possibly care less about fake Karma. What I was trying to understand was why people would think that noting that teens and others used to enjoy playing Twister in my days for the same reason they enjoy jumping on the trampoline today was somehow negative or whatever. We weren't playing Twister just for the exercise.)
poohspiglet: > Was I typing too fast for you to read?
I think we're done here. Ahole.
WPBDoc: And now you're looking in the mirror.
All it would have taken was a simple, "I'm sorry. I misunderstood what you were saying." Instead, you turn into a jerk. Nicely done, redditor. Nicely done. Remember, this all started with me stating that I actually agreed with you.
| 9 | 30.333333 | |
1393496780 | 1393523025 | t3_1z2r38 | t5_2to41 | 40 | Sunstream: TIFU by discovering I had a butt trumpet.
So I got the rumbles this afternoon...
No no, don't set the counter back yet. I went to the ladies room in the shopping centre where there was only one occupied stall, so naturally I took the stall two doors down and got to work. As it turns out, there was no poop - only noise.
I have never farted so loudly and with such variation in speed, pitch and acceleration before. I played a small symphony that went on for so long, I couldn't even giggle and apologise to the air. I just put my head in my hands and pretend it wasn't happening. There was no noise from the other stall. I waited till the other woman left, then waited some more, before coming out to wash my hands. Then I told the first person I saw. Luckily that was my fiancé.
TL;DR: Farted the world a new concerto.
irGoodman: Dont you love those farts that bounce off the porcelain like a choir but instead of music its violent gas being forced out of your anus
totes_meta_bot: This thread has been linked to from elsewhere on reddit.
- [/r/wtfdidijustread] [irGoodman comments on TIFU by discovering I had a butt trumpet.](http://np.reddit.com/r/wtfdidijustread/comments/1z3o7t/irgoodman_comments_on_tifu_by_discovering_i_had_a/)
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| 3 | 13.333333 | |
1393486556 | 1393545542 | t3_1z2iqp | t5_2to41 | 21 | MyLifeIsTLDR: TIFU when the intoxicated apartment door battle went wrong
This did not occur today it actually happened at the beginning of last summer.
Things you should know first, I was stressed about my financial situation at the time and when I am stressed I love to run. I also don't drink a lot, I just don't care for it.
This particular evening, I was hanging out with some close friends. Let's call them, Dana, Fox and my boy friend at the time Charlie. Originally I had told Charlie to cut off my alcohol consumption at 2 screwdrivers... but he had caved after I batted my eyelashes. So... I had way too much, was buzzed and had already been making a fool of myself, also Dana had been drinking as well. The two gents had refrained. Now, as I was sitting there I just started reflecting on how bad my financial situation was. So naturally, I wanted to go running!
Now, dumbass buzzed me was having communication issues, so... I did the only logical thing, I kept making moves toward trying to exit my apartment. Unfortunately, my Jedi speed and reflexes were not up to par, so my plans kept getting foiled by my sober friends... So I devised a new plan of attack, I calmed down enough that they thought I had given up. I waited till the gents were on the opposite side of the apartment, and made a dash for the door. I managed my escape! However, Dana in her buzzed state tried to stop my escape, only managing to slam my heavy apartment door on my right foot as I exited. I didn't care, I was free to go for a nice friendly jog... barefoot... in the rain... Fox eventually caught up, jogged with me a bit and convinced me to come home, where we then realized my foot was bleeding profusely.
Long story short... I have scars on my foot, my toe nail fell off, and I am still not able to bend my toe.
TLDR; Screwdrivers + Lacking Jedi Reflexes = Broken Toe?
/Also I've never posted to this sub before, so I hope this follows the rules. Please tell me if it doesn't I would be happy to edit.
kinda_alone: Youre good on rules. Pics?
MyLifeIsTLDR: I'm looking for a pic from when it was really messed up, can't find any): I can take a current pic but you can't really tell the toe healed wrong from that, I can still post later if you'd like tho lol
| 3 | 7 | |
1393495364 | 1393504079 | t3_1z2q2i | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by punching a wall
Well this was actually two days ago but at the time I was kind of in shock and didn't realise how retarded it actually was.
I'll try and cover a few important details in the shortest way possible.
I'm in grade 11 at school and have this thing going on with a girl. Its a really long story so I guess I can only say we are really close and I care about her deeply. Anyway, we went to see a few local bands play in the city last weekend, and she was meeting new people and everything was good. Then she talks with this guy and at one point he tries to kiss her (meanwhile I left to get ice cream with friends) and she moves back and says she's not like that, the usual thing.
This week they hang out (just as friends) a few times, no biggie. At this point I was feeling a little jealous but that's normal I suppose.
She's walking him to class and kisses her out of nowhere, no previous indication whatsoever. I was pretty annoyed.
Come Tuesday he wants to go get sushi during lunch with her and she agrees too. Sure, whatever, no big deal. I should that he has given her multiple hints that he wants to get with her, her being oblivious she doesn't realise until I point it out, so she's well aware when they go to get sushi.
Now, I don't have any classes with her so I only see her at recess and lunch, and because she was going out for lunch I was looking forward to seeing her at recess. I see her, then not even a minute later she starts to walk away and I was confused, but she said she wanted to find him..
I was kind of upset because I wouldn't be able to see her all day. She leaves and I was pretty angry at this douchebag of a guy because he now thinks that they're a thing because she hadn't stated otherwise after that night at the gig. She leaves and I don't know how to get rid of this rage building up.
What do I do?
I decide to go to the bathroom and hit something. I go in, check if anyone was in there, no sign of life, so ball up my fist and fucking let loose this huge swing at the wall.
Wow, that's strange, didn't hurt a bit. I leave the toilets and am walking through school when I look down at my hand, knuckles purple and there is a huge lump about an inch before where my pinky knuckle should be..
Shit.
That's not good.
Go find my friends, they ask what the fuck I did and are pretty shocked, meanwhile I'm in shock staring at my broken hand. My friend takes me to the office and I talk to the receptionist who says I should go to the hospital. They ask me what I did, why, we have a good laugh what a stupid thing I had done, then she (my friend who was supposed be talking to the guy) comes out of nowhere and gives me a disappointing look and calls me a dick. Fair enough, apparently she went back to where I was sitting before she left just after I had went to the office and my friends told her. I wasn't intending her finding out of my release of anger because I didn't think I would break my hand.
I go home, hand broken, sit around with some ice, can't do it. Too much on my mind, especially after that so I say fuck it, bandage it up and go back to school. Thank goodness too because she approached me saying she regretted making friends a boring stoner and was worried I was angry at her and that it was all her fault. I of course wasn't angry at her, but the guy and everything returns to normal (kinda).
But I'm still stuck with a broken hand and I feel like it all could have been solved in a less painful way.
One more thing is that her mum now thinks I am some crazy, clingy weirdo all because of this one stupid thing I did.
Goddamn.
Cancani: Why care what her mother thinks of you, let her think whatever she wants atleast the girl doesnt think youre a weirdo (which you arent :))
c4010: I guess but I when I look at myself from her perspective I actually seem like a weirdo and all that.
Pretty sure she thinks I'm weird too though, but in a different way
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1393503081 | 1393505971 | t3_1z2w90 | t5_2to41 | 3 | Dinosoarman: TIFU by existing a billion years ago.
BlankTrack: Care to explain?
JakeTheCake714: His username.
BlankTrack: Very clever.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1393515828 | 1393522738 | t3_1z3bo7 | t5_2to41 | 495 | poopclogfingerbutt: TIFU by fingering my butt
Sorry in advance if this is pretty gross.
This was a gradual fuckup. I spent the entire week just guzzling soda and barely enough water. Little did I know that my body would get its revenge on me without mercy.
Earlier today I felt the urge to to take a dump. I've never had any problems pooping, see, so I rushed to the bathroom without any reservations. I pulled down my panties, sat on the throne and just let it all out. A brown rock slide tumbled out of my ass and it was glorious. Until there was a clog.
A fucking giant solid piece of dry turd blocked my ass and it wouldn't come out. I spent a good 20 minutes just huffing and puffing the fuckturd out of my butt, but it just wouldn't budge. I tried squatting, stretching my legs out, taking breaks from pushing, but to no avail.
I was desperate. I had a meeting and my boss would come yelling for me if I didn't show up soon. I did the only thing I could think of--I poked my index finger up my butt to scoop out the clog. But it put up a fight. It wouldn't let itself be scooped out, I had to break it apart with my finger. Letting the pieces fall out of my ass felt like a victory and defeat at the same time.
I flushed, pulled my pants back up, vigorously washed my hands at least five times and left the bathroom and went on with my day as usual. But the smell won't leave my finger.
TL;DR my username
[deleted]: Upvoted for username. Well done, Ms. Fingerbutt
dickr0t: Have to assume this was a Ms. based on the "panties"
Octopus_Tetris: Some guys wear panties, though. For the giggles.
SpaghettiSauced: And the way they slide against your junk.
^^^so ^^^I've ^^^heard...
| 5 | 99 | |
1393518679 | 1393599519 | t3_1z3gig | t5_2to41 | 2,932 | JamieDeSmet: TIFU by sparing the life of a spider.
OK, so a few days ago I was taking a piss and I see this tiny little spider on the wall, on a typical day I would have killed this mother fucker. But that particular day I was feeling generous, so I spared it's life. Big mistake.
Today, I took a shower and I look up to the ceiling and see variety of spiders either chilling on the ceiling or dangling from webs. Fuck. There must've been about 10 of these little spiders up there. I had then realized that the spider I spared must have laid eggs or something and spawned hell upon my simple life.
Baring in mind I have a massive fear of spiders, I had no choice but to shower as I had work in a couple of hours. So I proceeded to have the most uncomfortable shower I've ever had constantly looking up to see if they're attacking me or whatever. I had to swipe a few of the fuckers down because they dangled too low and I was scared of them. Now I am too scared to go back in the bathroom as they have probably planned to assassinate me upon my return.
**Edit: Grammar**
L_U_R_K_E_R: It could be worse; when you return they might be gone.
Bergie31: Yeah, gone! All over the house. Behind the headboard of the bed, on the back side of the fridge's door handle, finding the warm spot near the toe of your shoe, under the lip of the toilet seat.
Hockeygoalie35: STOP! STOP! STOP!
julius_preston: Hiding behind your ears...
em_etib: Hiding *inside* your ears.
AgCat1340: Hiding in your asssssssss
gazwel: Never takes long for it to go like this does it, reddit.
julius_preston: This is why we can't have nice things.
MadlockFreak: Because they end up inside an ass?
neko_loliighoul: Inside Your ass
mulqahdiiv: Indeed
| 12 | 244.333333 | |
1393520234 | 1393601668 | t3_1z3j9v | t5_2to41 | 76 | Shanbo88: [TIFU] by not checking my "Other" inbox on Facebook.
So I go onto facebook today and I see a post from IGN saying, "*Anyone who entered out facebook draw for an early-access beta code for The Elder Scrolls Online, be sure to check your inbox (Make sure it's your other inbox as we won't appear in your main inbox) today to see if you got one!*"
So I think, "*Ahh shit I missed that one... haven't even checked that other inbox in years though*", so I go to have a look. In it I find 4 messages from the editor of a gaming magazine I buy every month, the first one saying, "*Hi Shane! You've managed to bag yourself an Elder Scrolls Online prize!* - The fact hat it's a TES:O prize was a pure coincidence - *Just put your postal address in a reply and we'll send it off to you as soon as we can.*"
The other 3 messages were him asking if I'd seen the other messages, all 4 messages are from, almost to the day, A MONTH AGO.
So I replied to him earlier and sent the magazine a message to see if I'm still some sort of winner or did it go to someone else. I don't know what the prize is, I'm assuming it's something pretty good if it has to be posted. A beta key would've just been sent in the mail.
Today sucks :(
Lakonthegreat: Yeah, I just learned about the Other tab recently as well.
As it turns out, my first time I checked that "other" tab about a month ago, I found out that the girl I dated last year had been cheating on me the entire time.
Life sucks.
Shanbo88: Wtf dude how did that happen? Someone else messaged you to tell you?
Lakonthegreat: Pretty much. Told me that for the entirety of our 4 month relationship, during which we only banged once, she had been seeing and screwing two different guys.
Shanbo88: What a fucking bitch. Better off without her pal. A *lot* better off without her.
Lakonthegreat: Oh trust me, I know. That bitch was a user. I cut that shit off, and thankfully have never seen her again.
Shanbo88: Good for you man. It's good to hear of people cutting out the gangrene limbs haha :D
| 7 | 10.857143 | |
1393522016 | 1393605212 | t3_1z3mkh | t5_2to41 | 66 | TIFUMom: TIFU by not turning off my son's XBOX
So, I'm at work the other day and my teen son calls me to tell me that before he left home to go to work that he forgot to turn off the XBOX and when I got home could I please turn it off. I asked him if the he left the television on (was concerned that it would burn the image in the screen, don't even know if it's possible but my SO is always worried about this, so I asked.) He tells me that yes he turned the t.v. off and that he was at a point in his game where the XBOX just needed to be turned off. When I got home, I thought about turning it off but knew that we were going to be watching NetFlix after dinner, so why bother. When my SO and I sat down to watch I turned the t.v. on and it was on Cartoon Network or something, I hit the button on the remote to switch from watching cable to XBOX and my eyes are met with a crotch shot from a porn movie. Oh my. Now my eyes have seen the same couple having sex as my son! Why? Why? Didn't I just come home and turn off the XBOX like he asked me too??? That image will forever burned in my brain.
EDIT: I did consider texting him while he was at work with "Nice Porn." But thought that would be even more embarrassing for me than him.
odiro: Just to ask do you know if your tv is a plasma or not?
TIFUMom: I don't think so, just HD.
odiro: is it lcd or plasma? since if its plasma thats understandeble but lcd the image needs to stay on for days to get burned in.
[deleted]: Dude, don't even try to get answers from her. Women don't understand this shit and just get frustrated if you ask for clarification. They will just spout out acronyms they heard the salesman use.
Jimmacle: **Her** username is "TIFU**Mom**" for crying out loud, she's obviously the wife. Today, you just fucked up.
[deleted]: I think you just made my point...
| 7 | 9.428571 | |
1393521707 | 1393527965 | t3_1z3m0y | t5_2to41 | 50 | studio595: TIFU by closing a gas tank.
Reddit, I dun goofed.
While sitting at a very long stoplight, I was behind a car with its gas tank door open. Thinking to myself "oh shit, their door is open, I'll get out and close it." So I did.
As soon as I did, I heard a scream from the car. The woman who was driving it had got out and began yelling at me. I quickly retreated to my car, but she kept yelling. Apparently she has to keep the door open because if she closes it, it locks permanently. So now in downtown LA, there's a woman driving around with a car that cannot be refueled.
I fucked up.
Rev1212: Just means it's stolen. Maybe you did good?
studio595: Huh. Maybe. It was a pretty old car though.
| 3 | 16.666667 | |
1393524528 | 1393628008 | t3_1z3qzp | t5_2to41 | 4 | NotForrestGump: [TIFU] by dropping out of my fraternity
I had been pledging for four weeks, with four more to go. My three best friends were in it with me. However, $380 a month plus paying for parties was way too much. Plus I've never been a fan of being kicked around/disrespected in order to "earn" friendship. So I dropped out. However, I'm just now realizing how much of a mistake this was. The president called me and said I could be in it for free because he really likes me. My friends are having a huge party tonight that I can't come to. I've just realized that I lost all of my closest friends and my social life because I made a quick decision without thinking it through. I know this isn't as exciting as TIFU by lighting myself on fire or some shit like that. But this actually happened, and it sucks.
[deleted]: In contrast to what /u/dickr0t says, I really enjoyed my days as a Greek. I'm sure if you changed your mind they'll probably take you back.
However, that does not mean that /u/dickr0t is wrong. You'll be okay no matter what happens. It's college. Making friends is like shooting fish in a barrel using a rocket launcher. You'll find people.
dickr0t: Agreed, my two buddies stayed in and had a blast
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1393527196 | 1393529226 | t3_1z3vvd | t5_2to41 | 18 | thecaucasian-asian: TIFU by not waking up on time
just like any other morning i have my alarms set and my family as a backup to wake me up for class in the morning. but this morning none of said alarms went off and none of said family members would wake me up. resulting in me waking up too late to get the motivation to go to class. this was my next mistake considering my first big art history exam was today and my professor doesn't give retakes. so yes reddit TIFU
[deleted]: Sounds like you're in the habit of fucking up by relying upon others to get you up.
Learn some better sleep habits, man.
Same time to bed every night.
Same time to rise every morning.
thecaucasian-asian: this is defintely something i have been meaning to do.
and after an event such as this, something i am GOING to do.
| 3 | 6 | |
1393524761 | 1393541506 | t3_1z3rd8 | t5_2to41 | 21 | Reptarxking: TIFU by walking to the bank
Got my rent money for tomorrow, on the way back a car pulls up with two people and a gun they made me go inside took my wallet and ipod and threw me out a couple blocks away so now I have nothing....third person this happens to around here
prodigyx: Why didn't you run away from the car?
nklvh: There was a gun. Do you value your life?
YippyTheHippy: OP sees gun. OP gets in car with gun.
OP should not be surprised that something bad happened.
Reptarxking: They had the gun pointed at me already, idk i wasnt thinking straight I guess
fredinvisible: Fuck these idiots, I would have done the same thing.
| 6 | 3.5 |
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