start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1393527891 | 1393812507 | t3_1z3x5m | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: Tifu by not putting a lock on my locker at the gym
So today I went to the gym like every weekday and I go with my boyfriend. Well I was being an ass and decieded to not put the lock on because I never do he does... well we argue and then after my workout I notice my 400$ glasses are gone.... he said if I apolligize for being a dick that he would give them back but me being the person who when told to apologize will then not says nope (was planning on before he said something but I didn't want to say anything right then because I was irritated and didn't want to say anything in anger) so now I have no glasses for the rest of the day and will have migraine because of it... why do I do these stupid things to people I love... he supposed to pick me up after work tonight but i am think I will instead walk the 8 miles home to try and let my thoughts cool in the snow
id10t_pen15: buttsex solves all problems....
Thane_of_pussy: Or it can create a hole other problem...
ADDerp: Allow me...
*Ba Dum Tss*
Thane_of_pussy: Da Bum Tss*
FTFY
ADDerp: It doesn't sound the same.... also
[Ba Dum Tss](http://www.badumtss.net)
You were never right.
Thanks for ruining a perfectly good joke.
Jezez Crust
| 6 | 1.666667 | |
1393536882 | 1393538249 | t3_1z4dhq | t5_2to41 | 85 | nklvh: TIFU by calling the police
I was visiting a university, and at the same time visiting a friend. Said friend is the girl I dreamt of before I met.
Everything was going well, and I had a great time looking around as part of my tour group. When the tour finishes I arrange to meet up at a cafe I had found earlier ( didn't know the city too well, so tried to stay to places I knew). She says she'd meet me there in 30 mins. She doesn't show for an hour and half.
Naturally I'm all like, aright she ditched me, and send her a text saying as much, and how I was just leaving the city. I waited for 6 hours waiting for some sort of reply; I figure something pretty bad must have happened, so I casually call the city's PD and say i'm worried about her. I give them all sorts of relevant details, and they say they'll call me back. I wait for another 3 hours hearing nothing from anyone.
By now it's 1am, and I received a call from the police saying she had left her phone at a friends, and she was out clubbing. They find her in the club, and pull her out to make sure she was okay. She was fine, and pissed off.
She doesn't want to speak to me anymore, ever.
Tl;dr I reported my friend missing when she was just forgetful. Ruined everything
odiro: Dosent seem like she was interested in you anyway if she went out clubbing instead of meting at the appointed time and place.
nklvh: Read again; large time gap of like 6 hours between appointed t&p, and clubbing
odiro: Still it wasn't your fuckup if shes the one that didn't meet at the appointed time. heck i would be grateful for my friends to care that much about me.
nklvh: Shit; I thought briefly about that, but could never quite justify it. At least someone else thinks like me. Thanks
odiro: Np
| 6 | 14.166667 | |
1393496430 | 1393539100 | t3_1z2qtw | t5_2to41 | 9 | lionorphenoc: TIFU by forgetting my Mum's birthday
This technically happened on Tuesday, however I only realised it this morning when I saw the date today.
So reddit as the title suggests TIFU by forgetting my mum's birthday and I'm not sure how badly I will suffer for this but it's in all honestly deserved, so if my posts stop here consider this my epitath.
Edit: Adding in a missing word or two
user_tab_indexes: Better go buy her a gift that will
A) Make her forget the fact you forgot
OR
B) Make it seem like... ahh fukit.. You're screwed guy!
lionorphenoc: I think B it is, my Mum's not the forgiving type.
| 3 | 3 | |
1393541169 | 1393543708 | t3_1z4lkr | t5_2to41 | 18 | reikou92: TIFU by doing nothing
So, I work as a cashier at a restaurant, and one of my jobs is to make sure that the drivers have everything that they need for the delivery orders - its actually a shared responsibility. Both the drivers and cashiers are supposed to check and double check. For one of my drivers' runs, I forgot to check a ticket. The driver also forgot, and had to return to grab a part of the delivery that we both forgot. Afterwards, he spent five minutes berating me, saying it was completely my fault and went on about a few other issues that was bothering him (which were somewhat unrelated). I argued that it was a shared responsibility, but he wasn't having it. Every fiber of my being was telling me to clock him, but the fact that the manager and a few customers were there kept me from doing so. I've been spending the last hour or so seething while dealing with customers, and the driver is done for the rest of the day. I'm really regretting not hurting him, but at the same time, I don't really want to push my anger onto him. Fuark.
jrosemeyer10: Don't regret it, violence in the workplace solves nothing. It just gets you fired/arrested
reikou92: I guess. He usually gives me (note; everyone) shit and I can take it in stride, but his inability to see both sides really ticked me off. Ah well!
| 3 | 6 | |
1393547893 | 1393922910 | t3_1z4x8g | t5_2to41 | 22 | yonoober: TIFU by updating my mom's iPad.
So, my mom got an iPad for her birthday a few years ago and she had been using it ever since. She wanted to update to iOS 7, and she asked me to help out. I obliged.
This is where the fuck up happens. I updated the iPad and deleted everything on it by mistake.
Every.
SINGLE.
**THING.**
These include really important photos of childhood memories, emotional moments, things like that. It's akin to burning an album full of your baby pictures.
These are pictures from years ago, pictures that were from parties, pictures of our garden, pictures of my brother and i playing around, things like that.
Deleted in an instant.
I don't know what to do. I feel horrible about it.
TL;DR don't be a lazy fuck, go read it. It's not even that long.
hacksbeenjamin: Back up your data people.
Don't be like this lady.
Upon rereading this, I am starting to not even buy the story. I know 100% for sure that anytime I've ever began to start formatting a device, it has prompted me with a "are you sure? herpa derpa DELETES ALL FILES. [ O K ] [ CANCEL ]
yonoober: It didn't prompt me though. It told me to connect to iTunes, and as soon as I did it started deleting everything.
scrndude: Are you sure it didn't automatically make a backup before starting the update process? I think it usually does that.
yonoober: I don't know. Where would I find the backup? I checked everywhere on iTunes and I couldn't find it.
TheSt0rmCr0w: If you haven't figured it out maybe try geeksquad at best buy. If they can't fix it they can at least let you know forsure
yonoober: Yeah I might actually just go to them.
FurTrader58: DO NOT take it to best buy. The geek squad wont be able to do anything about it. Take it to an Apple Store or call AppleCare. That is, if the solution I provided above doesn't work. If the solution I provided doesn't end up yielding any results, the data will be gone. But the geek squad won't be able to do anything. What I told you is the only way to find the iCloud backup, if one exists. Honestly, you'd be lucky if the geek squad could get that far. Even if you bought it at best buy there's nothing more they can do for it, and will likely say "sorry, nothing we can do." If you have a problem with it go to Apple for support. They can do more than best buy can, in the event it's a situation that isn't this.
Check the solution I posted before this, and report back on what happens. This is the only option when this type of thing happens, and since you don't have a backup on your computer this will be the only ace one would exist, unless she syncs it to another computer.
| 8 | 2.75 | |
1393551984 | 1393588744 | t3_1z53rt | t5_2to41 | 113 | [deleted]: TIFU by driving into a van full of autistic kids
I don't like driving. Never have. But I have to do it and have had no real fuck ups since I've started. Well, until today.
After just gassing up, I pulled out of the gas station and, after a short hesitation of which exit to use, I went with the one I normally don't use. "Hey, this lane is totally clear, I can pull out right now." Well that lane was the left lane. I pulled out, drove up to the intersection, and stopped. In the wrong lane. I'm not sure if it was all my time driving on one lane roads downtown or what, but I was totally out of it. It wasn't until the light changed and cars on the opposite side of the intersection began moving that I noticed my extremely absent-minded mistake. And what would a completely logical person like me do? PANIC.
I started freaking out and quickly tried to use my under-utilized three point turn skills to get the fuck out of this lane. Well, as I was turning around, the cars had to stop next to me and wait. Now, I HATE having people wait on me so this only added to the panic. And as I was turning I pressed that gas pedal a bit too hard and...
Thump.
I hit the side of a van.
Now I am beyond panic and am my heart rate was beating faster than the truck's engine. I finished my shitty turn and pulled into the correct lane to the right of the van. And just when I thought things couldn't get worse, I look inside the van.
An autistic kid peers back with a shaking handicapped sign on the mirror.
I feel AWFUL. Not only did I did a hit a van, but I hit a van filled with AUTISTIC, HANDICAPPED CHILDREN. The women steps out of the car and angrily tells me to go pull off the road. I slowly drive over there and stop. She pulls up behind me.
After a thousand "sorry's" and a quick inspection of the non-existent damage, she fortunately told me that it was no worry and to just be more careful next time. I don't think she realized how badly I fucked up.
I sheepishly drove back home, realizing I really should not be driving.
I am an awful person.
TL;DR I gave autistic kids a joy ride.
[deleted]: I have been laughing for twenty minutes at the thought of hitting a van full of autistic kids. Not because I dislike them but because it's like hitting a van full of clowns. You sir, are a champion. A man among mere mortals. The smasher of autism!
mrmcmaine: Clowns *are* an apt comparison to the autistic I must admit.
percival__winbourne: You can seriously go fuck yourself. Having a neurological disorder that results in social and sensory overload, and trying to live in a world full of stimuli, is not made any easier by cunts like you who think autism is just a fucking joke. We are not clowns - we are people doing our best to try to get by, you ignorant ass.
Bjwebb1991: Can't agree more!
| 5 | 22.6 | |
1393554341 | 1393624171 | t3_1z57lb | t5_2to41 | 5 | why__me: Talking to the Crush?
[deleted]: Well well well
why__me: swell times 3
[deleted]: Make your move :) Rejection is better than regret
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1393555138 | 1393703889 | t3_1z58vh | t5_2to41 | 2 | vogueadishu: TIFU by making my boyfriend cry
Today I made my boyfriend cry. I didn't mean to. Here's a little bit of back story (I apologize if this is too long)... there's this girl he has known for a lot longer than he has known me, and once we met it was apparent (for reasons that are too many to list here) that she has feelings for him. He and I discussed it rationally and I told him I was fine with their friendship, just not to hang out with her one on one, only ever in a group, and I wouldn't have a problem with it. Fast forward a few weeks, we've had a couple of arguments as well as discussions, and he decided on his own that he didn't want to be friends with her.
Today, he handed me his phone to check out the differences since the software update. I didn't read anything, but happened to notice they had texted two days ago. Mentioned something to him, but didn't let jealousy rear it's ugly head and didn't say anything. Then she sent me a friend request on facebook while he was at work, so I told him. Kind of brought up that they were still friends despite it being very apparent that she hates me and is beyond disrespectful of me and of our relationship.
He came home on his lunch break, and we talked, no arguing. I explained to him that any time the one friend of mine he is uncomfortable with messages me, I tell him, and tell him what we said, out of respect for his feelings, but that I felt like my feelings weren't being acknowledged... Explained to him that because my ex lied to me for years about a girl and would sneak around to talk to her, lied about it, lied about their history, etc. Told him that it just felt like deja vu, and while I didn't expect him to end their friendship (because I'm not that person), that I didn't like that I had no idea they had even spoken once, let alone 4 times and on snapchat. Once he realized that I felt that way, he started to feel bad, and then he started to cry.
I explained to him that it wasn't his fault, that I knew that he wasn't my ex, that I tried not to feel those feelings, but the damage was done. He feels horrible, and I feel like a shitty person for even projecting my past onto him. I tried to tell him I know it's illogical, that I know he isn't my ex, that I know he isn't cheating or sneaking around doing things he isn't supposed to... but he still feels awful and had to go back to work feeling like a horrible person. I fucked up.
MrDiavolo: He clearly completed what he wanted to by making you feel bad for something he was doing. You weren't wrong to express your feelings. It's better to be open now than let it build up into something ugly.
vogueadishu: He honestly just hadn't put two and two together and made the same comparison that I had. He just chalked her up to her being her, but wasn't trying to hide anything. Because I was crying and got all my hurt out, he felt really bad and started crying and apologizing. He apologizes still for it and it's been a couple of days. I didn't want to make him feel bad about it, but he's very open now if she messages him, and he also doesn't respond to her. He's already told me that I could have full access to his phone, his facebook, etc, but I told him I don't want access, I do trust him. I was projecting my exes behavior onto him, and it wasn't fair to him. We are working this out so that we are both happy with the outcome.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1393573737 | 1393666720 | t3_1z5x59 | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally soaking my eye in hydrogen peroxide
So, lazy dumbass that I am, I ran out of my contact solution a few days ago and have just been using the same solution for the past couple of days. They say that's bad for your eyes but fuck it, right?
Today I decided that I really needed new solution. But I didn't go to the store to buy some. I went into my mom's bathroom and looked around for a bottle I could use. I grabbed the first one I found and took it to my bathroom. I put both of my contacts in the little container, let them soak for a few seconds, then put one in my left eye.
I immediately knew I'd fucked up. Really fucked up. The pain was searing and intense. I dropped to the floor, cursing like a wounded pirate, and writhed around in agony for a while. I punched the wall and everything else within reach. I tried desperately to get the contact out but it seemed to be stuck to my eye. I looked at the bottle of solution I used and that was when I realized it had hydrogen peroxide in it. It neutralizes after 8 or so hours of soaking your contacts in it. I completely missed the warning label and red cap.
After about forty agonizing minutes under the kitchen faucet I finally managed to get the contact out. This happened in the morning. Right now, I can barely open my eye. It's crying ceaselessly. It's irritating as hell. I wouldn't exactly describe it as pain anymore, but it's intensely uncomfortable and I know I'm gonna have to go the doctor tomorrow.
Here's a pic I took.
http://imgur.com/YWhyNGj
UPDATE: So I went to the ER and they put this hard contact lens, hooked up to an IV bag, in my eye and ran cold water over it for forty minutes. It felt soooo nice. I just put my headphones in and listened to Enya songs haha. Doctor described it as basically a bad sunburn on my eye. Should be gone within a week. Of course it's still red as fuck and now I have to walk around looking like arnold in the terminator, but at least there's no permanent damage.
I-EAT-MY-OWN-POOP: If it ever happens again, grab the bottle of saline solution that your mom has (if she uses Clear Care like you've described she also has the saline) and rinse your eyes with that.
[deleted]: I'm never touching the stuff again, that's for damn sure.
I-EAT-MY-OWN-POOP: Aww, poor thing! I did it once, too, and it really hurt. When used with the little container it actually cleans your lenses better and it doesn't have preservatives so it's better for sensitive eyes. But I totally get never wanting to touch it again. Best of luck in your healing!
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1393570466 | 1393599041 | t3_1z5tyu | t5_2to41 | 48 | Gengar_Galois: TIFU by getting my $1500 plane ticket cancelled
So for a few years my number one item on my bucket list was to visit Brazil during their Carnival festivities. About six months ago I decided to just fuck it and buy the plane tickets. I'd move things around if I had to, but one way or the other I was going.
Fast forward to six months later, I'm packed and super pumped to finally be going on the vacation of my dreams. From Texas I go to Phoenix, from Phoenix I go to Charlotte, and just as I'm about to board the plane to Rio de Janeiro, my dream gets shattered.
I didn't know that travel to Brazil required one to get a tourist visa. I'd traveled to Europe a couple of times and got along fine with just my passport. Perhaps this sounds a little arrogant but I thought since I was American I could travel anywhere so long as I had my passport and I was just touring.
Now I'm sitting in a hotel room waiting for a plane that's going to take me back to my home town 1500 dollars poorer than I was before and with nothing to show for it.
Maybe I should have posted this to /r/offmychest instead but I'm seriously bummed out right now. My day is ruined, my week is ruined, who knows how long this crappy feeling will last :/
grshirley: This is why the internet exists. Travel agents are almost pointless in this day and age.
http://travel.state.gov/content/passports/english/country/brazil.html
Gengar_Galois: Safe to say [this](http://i.imgur.com/ayaqn.gif) sums up how I feel about the whole thing.
grshirley: Yeah, sorry about that. Its a hard lesson.
Doesn't really help you but you weren't the first and you won't be the last.
Back in the 90s (yes I'm old) when i first started travelling for work we had guys in the US turn up at the airport and they didn't even have passports. being ex-military they thought they could fly with just an ID card.
Gengar_Galois: Yeah I usually take my mistakes as lessons. "Well at least now I know and won't do it again."
It just really sucks that this had to be such an expensive lesson. Now if anybody ever tells me they're traveling I'm most definitely going to ask them about getting their shit checked so they don't make my mistake.
grshirley: That's what friends are for. Ask if they have a passport with 6 months validity, visa (if necessary), vaccinations (optional), insurance (optional). Everything else you can deal with once there if you have to.
Somewhere to stay the first night is a good idea too of course! :-)
| 6 | 8 | |
1393573811 | 1393581866 | t3_1z5x81 | t5_2to41 | 36 | VeryTallDog: TIFU and locked myself out of my gum
GYM** shit.
It's almost 1am, no one is inside and my jacket and car keys are inside. Fuck.
Now I'm just waiting for someone to hopefully show up to go work out.
porcia918: Are you in yet?
(ha)
VeryTallDog: I had to call a friend to pick me up. It only took me 20 tries since everyone is asleep...
I'll be going over tomorrow when they open at 9am to collect my jacket and keys and car, if no one has stolen them by then.
I waited outside for about an hour calling and waiting and not a single person came to work out, crazy. :P
| 3 | 12 | |
1393594492 | 1393798901 | t3_1z6ebz | t5_2to41 | 1,571 | 40hzHERO: TIFU By Letting My GF Start the Car in the Garage
She went out to start the car about 35 minutes before we left, and moved it in to the garage.
**SHE CLOSED THE GARAGE DOOR AND LET THE CAR RUN FOR OVER HALF AN HOUR!**
I wasn't aware, and she went out to wait in the car. A few minutes later I came out and screamed at her to get inside - she didn't know why, but she knew I was serious, and, thankfully, ran inside!
I did explain to her why she shouldn't run the car in a closed garage, but boy was that a close one!
derpfluxx: nigga she isint a pet its not your fault she is a dumbass, maybe yours for yelling at her, like chill out man, just tell her to get inside before she passes out, and if she was passed out carry her and when she wakes up warn her next time :/
magicfatkid: You sound like a fucking retard. Go to fucking school.
derpfluxx: jesus its like yelling at a fucking autist you piece of shit she probably didnt even realize how fucking stupid it was
magicfatkid: Again.... SPEAK ENGLISH! I AM INSULTING YOU BECAUSE YOU WRITE LIKE A 12 YEAR OLD BOY.
derpfluxx: woah man can you take a chill pill and message me back when you're good? because dude... you dont have to get pissed because my grammar is flawed or my speech style is different, you can still understand what im saying :/
magicfatkid: Oh I guess you win because you brought out the "dude calm down" card. You do realize that if I capitalize all my letters it doesn't actually mean I am yelling. Every time you talk to me, I get more and more assured you are a preteen trying to say stuff you think is cool.
derpfluxx: i never said you were yelling, but thats kinda the point of using caps, for emphases, and people usuually do that by yelling when talking face to face, and im not saying shit i think is cool lol im saying shit i want to say because its how i speak, and im not trying to "win" like wtf im telling you to calm down and quit being so judgemental because every time i talk to you i get more assured you are a self centered egotistical asshole, like damn dude, not everyone can be as perfect as you lol
magicfatkid: If you want your opinion to be respected, especially in a public forum, you had better speak properly, or you will get nowhere. So talk and write with proper punctuation and grammar. Typing like a wannabe gang banger does not make you sound cool. You sound like an idiot, and I will call you out on it every time. And clearly my words have gotten to you, so hopefully they don't just enter one ear and leave right out of the other.
derpfluxx: my point exactly lol your still being a judgemental prick how i type is not the point of what im speaking, at times it may dictate the tone but not much more than that, i dont give a fuck if i sound like an idiot because this is how i type, what you are saying is basicly that you wont respect anyone who speaks with a tone or mindset you view as "improper", which is stupid considering there are 7 billion people here and many may have good points but speak in a tone you disapprove of and you will just ignore it, its stupid, just fucking let people speak however they want to fuckin speak, i dont see why it should be disrespected because its different, it should be the subject of the conversation that you respect or disrespect.
magicfatkid: It's really cute how you still believe that every single person's opinion actually matters. Seriously, how old are you?
derpfluxx: you know what? your right, not everyones opinion matters, specifically not yours, soooo just fuck off lol im done with your shit, i tried to explain myself and you ignored me! you dont even deserve my time.
magicfatkid: Could easily say the same about you.
| 13 | 120.846154 | |
1393603056 | 1393740634 | t3_1z6pzq | t5_2to41 | 28 | The_Ultimate_Bro: TIFU by riding public transportation
This wasn't today, but last week. So I was down by the local UNI and decided to take the bus home. So I sat down, then at about two stops over a man in his late 30's was extremely high looked like he had just done crack. I had an open seat next to me and this man was shaking and picking at his skin, of course he sat down by me. I had my headphones in and without me even noticing he took my headphones then put it in I didn't notice until it was my stop and stood up and I kid you not this man was covering his ear so I couldn't take it out, I kindly asked him to take it out to which he did. Then I had noticed there was a nickel size glob of ear wax on my earbuds. I decided to toss my earbuds in the trash, but wait there's more. Later that night my right arm was itching and looked like the mans arm, I had my arm on the arm rest where his arm was for a certain amount of time and I kept scratching, after going to the doctor it was only poison ivy...
TL;DR
Rode bus got poison ivy and lost a pair of earbuds
MrDiavolo: This is why I put my bag in the seat if I sit by the window or I just sit in the aisle seat. I hate when people sit next to me in general, nevermind crackheads.
WardenOfTheGrey: You are the worst kind of person.
MrDiavolo: Well, if everyone had good hygiene and didn't reek of cigarettes, I'd not have a problem sitting next to them.
Dick_Souls_II: Keep your bag there all you want. One of these days you'll encounter a person like me who doesn't accept that shit and tells you to move it. When you don't, it gets picked up and tossed on the floor.
MrDiavolo: I really doubt that'd happen since I'm a fairly big guy. If someone asks me to move it, I will. It's all about manners. I consider smelling like arm pits and cigarettes to be bad manners.
| 6 | 4.666667 | |
1393604059 | 1393679471 | t3_1z6rkv | t5_2to41 | 13 | xternal7: TIFU by overwriting the wrong hard drive
TL;DR: I overwrote the disk and by doing that I lost data as well as both Linux and Windows 8 user profiles (and the loss of the latter is most problematic as it'll take a lot of work to get Win 8 back up and running the way it's supposed to run. It could be far worse than it is, but this fuck up will cost me a fair amount of time I could spend doing more productive things.
---
So, about two or three weeks ago I woke to the sound of a hard disk failing. It was external hard drive with two partitions and I ran my raspberry pi off it. Because it would really suck if I had to spend hours to set everything I've set up again, I made a backup of the PI's system partition, called it a day and started Raspberry Pi again because disk still worked. It failed less than a week after that, it was still in warranty so no problems for me. Yet.
Fast forward to today, I got a mail which said the disk came back, so I went up to pick it up. When I returned to my room in the dorm, I had about 45 minutes till the next lecture, so I decided I'll hurry and try to get Raspberry Pi back up and running from the backup before I leave. I check where computer says the disk is and notice that the disk resides at /dev/sdc. So I run
dd if=backup.img of=/dev/sdc
in order to restore the backup. Then I, at some point, go to the toilet and when I come back, my computer is frozen solid. Mouse won't move, keyboard would do nothing and clock didn't change for at least 3 minutes. Me, being in a slight hurry, reboot the computer via "hold the power button down for 5 seconds" method. After it starts again, I open the terminal and repeat the above command without checking how Linux arranged the drives. And then I wait until it finishes.
As soon as command is finished with executing, Dropbox starts complaining about how there's no Dropbox folder. I think that's weird but ignore it. Then I start Gparted in order to continue to partition the disk the way I want. Gparted then says that /dev/sdc(1) is mounted at /media/$MyWindowsDataPartition. That seems weird to me at first, but then I noticed that /dev/sdc is 500 GB in size when it should be 3TB. /dev/sdb, on the other hand, was 3 TB and intact.
This was when I realized that I forgot that disk names in /dev/ may change, that I was writing to the wrong disk and that I wrecked the partitions that hosted my Windows 8 and Linux user profiles along with all the settings as well as all the data. Most important things are backed up through Copy, so the things I worked really hard on are generally backed up. Not-so-important things weren't backed up (or have a really old backup), but I got the vast majority of that back through software
The backup image of Raspberry Pi, which was located on the overwriten drive is lost and has no backup anywhere else, so I'll have to spend a significant amount of time on setting up my Raspberry Pi to do everything it was set up to do prior to the disk failure — the very thing I tried to avoid doing. I'll have to make a new Windows 8 user profile for myself (it'll probably be easier and faster if I just reinstall Windows 8 to begin with), same thing on Linux (except linux will probably give me less problems with doing that). It could be far worse, but this will still cost me a lot of time to fix this mess.
zalloy: Have you tried data recovery software? Not sure if it would work, considering you overwrote part of the drive, but it might be worth a shot.
xternal7: Yes I did and recovered files are corrupted. Which I can't fathom why as I only overwrote 8 GB of the drive at most, and there's no way all the files had their chunks in that 8 GB chunk. (The limited number of important things are backed through Copy, though.)
zalloy: That sucks. All the files probably didn't have *all* of their data there, but hard drives don't always store files in linear chunks. For example, if it's been a while since you defragged the drive, the data could be all over the place.
Next time, be sure to double check which drives are mounted to whatever drivespec before writing to the drives. And keep backups of everything, so when something gets messed up like that, you can just restore what's messed up. It beats having to reinstall an operating system, and user profiles.
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1393621063 | 1393700036 | t3_1z7kg1 | t5_2to41 | 77 | Poontastic: TIFU By masturbating in the shower.
So I get off work and take my usual morning dump before I shower, it's about 6:30am. I usually shower and go to bed with my GF until she goes to class. Today I was feeling particularly horny, so I decided to jerk off in the shower. So I jerk off, and when I finish I notice it's not wanting to flow with the water down the drain. So I have to kind of push it with my foot to get it to go toward the drain, and now I have some stuck to my foot, no big deal. But then I see it just sitting in the drain...shit. And so I figure there is probably hair stuck in the drain. So I then proceed to pull a giant jizz-covered hairball out of the drain, and it is absolutely fucking disgusting. Pulling a giant hairball out of the shower drain is gross enough on its own, but when the hairball is covered in jizz....that's a whole other level of gross.
TLDR: Jerked off in the shower, had to pull out a giant jizz-covered hairball out of the shower drain.
Colonwhisperer: I don't understand why it's gross if it comes out of your body. It doesn't bother me at all. I usually catch it all in my hand and flush it down the toilet
porkanaut: I've eaten mine?
Colonwhisperer: So have I! I'll just say my boyfriend has better tasting cum than I do.
My-Account-For-Trees: Well this has been fun but I'm going to go back to the other subreddits now.
| 5 | 15.4 | |
1393633022 | 1393735791 | t3_1z83m3 | t5_2to41 | 930 | Throwarockaway: TIFU by masturbating (NSFW)
(Throwaway).
Today I was cooking some potato snacks in the oven.
My girlfriend is away for the weekend so I was browsing the internet. Needless to say, I stumbled upon some NSFW content. I was horny as all hell. Forgetting I put the potato snacks in the oven, I went to the bedroom and started going at it. I came once but that wasn't enough. I went for round two. I was in a really weird position trying to get off again. I was so close, I could feel the build up starting. I got carried away and went harder and rougher. Suddenly, I shifted rolling abnormally on my left shoulder as I was hitting climax and increasing in roughness.
I felt a rush of pleasure AND pain rushing through my body at the same time. I didn't care, I was whacking off. Straight after (I literally mean, as soon as my load was dumped) I felt this incredible pain rushing through my shoulder.
Turns out, I dislocated my shoulder by jacking off. To top it off, I set my potato snacks on fire in the oven.
I'm now thinking of a way to tell my girlfriend how I ruined her favourite baking tray and dislocated my shoulder.
Most awkward hospital visit.
**Edit: TL;DR
I fucked up by fucking myself while cooking. Burnt the food, wrecked my gf's favourite baking tray and dislocated my shoulder while climaxing.**
**Edit 2: OP is a female, incorrect terminology was used, yes, but I hang around a lot of bro friends and usually speak like that with them (one of the boys). Also, potato snacks = potato gems**
superluke: My "leaving the oven on" story isn't fap-related, but it was still embarrassing. I got a call from a buddy saying that he was pulling the engine out of his Chevelle to detail his engine bay, and all the guys were heading over for impromptu beers and grunting behaviour.
We were having a great time doing all the guy stuff, it had been a while since the gang got together, when suddenly I had a realization. **"FUCK!"** I shouted, "I left a quiche in the oven!"
I lived 10 minutes away but spent the whole drive envisioning a smoke-filled condo and berating myself for announcing to the guys that I was baking pastry. Bent the steering wheel from pounding it.
The quiche actually ended up just being, like, fossilized. Didn't even really burn.
gallifreyGirl315: I love a guy who knows how to cook and take apart cars...
How you doin'?
ComeAtMeFro: What about a guy that can do both of those AND is a fan of Doctor Who?
gallifreyGirl315: *swoon*
Tell me you have a beard or some tatts and my panties will officially be dropped.
John_the_Piper: If he doesn't, I do ;). And I smoke a long stemmed pipe
gallifreyGirl315: Hence the name then? ;)
John_the_Piper: I do have very long pipes ;)
gallifreyGirl315: I feel like that one was a stretch, but who am I to judge a questionable innuendo. ;)
John_the_Piper: Aren't all innuendos questionable?
gallifreyGirl315: Probably.
John_the_Piper: Either way.... Heyo ;) lol
gallifreyGirl315: Sup. ;)
John_the_Piper: Heard you're from Gallifrey. Going my way?
gallifreyGirl315: Dunno. Depends. Anything interesting your way?
John_the_Piper: Well I can't exactly show you the universe, but there's a good deal of THIS world to explore
gallifreyGirl315: I am a huge fan of the travelling thing...
John_the_Piper: Well I'm joining the Navy. Lots of that coming my way
| 18 | 51.666667 | |
1393629507 | 1393698058 | t3_1z7ydq | t5_2to41 | 12 | snowfey: TIFU by eating strawberries.
Not using a throwaway. Fuck it, shit happens (no pun intended).
I stopped at the store on my way to work tonight and ended up getting a container of strawberries for a snack. So I'm in the back office, taking inventory, eating my strawberries, all is well. All of a sudden, my stomach starts gurgling. Pretty loudly, I might add. So I run to the bathroom, pull down my pants, and unleash an unholy helltorrent of chocolate rain on the poor unsuspecting toilet. It took 3 flushes to get it all down.
tldr: strawberry shitstorm.
girlwearingglasses: I work on a farm and we grow strawberries. Lots of coffee + all you can eat strawberries = "strawberry cleanse"
snowfey: I never realized strawberries were so cleansing. Then again, this is the first time I've scarfed down almost a pound at once
| 3 | 4 | |
1393633978 | 1393653264 | t3_1z84zv | t5_2to41 | 23 | rterrana691: TIFU by not bringing bags with me when I walked my dog
I took my dog out for a walk so he can go to the bathroom as usual. I noticed about a block away I didn't have any bags in the bag holder. I said fuck it I guess his poo is gonna be one with the earth now. After sniffing around and not doing anything the entire block, we finally get close to my house and right as my neighbor pulls in his driveway my dog goes in his lawn to shit. "Fuck". So with my neighbor staring at me waiting for me to pick up the poo I crafted a "snow poo sandwich" to try and pick it up. I got most of it and walked away. Almost home. The snow melted and my hands were numb with logs of dog shit in them.
TL/DR: I picked up dog shit with my bare hands.
[deleted]: Why didn't you just ask them for a bag?
rterrana691: Not sure. In the moment the guy was smoking a cigarette and staring me so my initial reaction was just to figure something out fast
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1393642953 | 1393736047 | t3_1z8he6 | t5_2to41 | 71 | louddogwifebeating: TIFU by calling the cops about my neighbors' dog and then needing to call again for domestic violence.
I live in an apartment complex with town homes. I moved here recently, and on one side the TV is always so loud that I can actually hear every word of Springer every day, and I'm actually fine with that, because at least the TV can't be heard from my daughter's bedroom. I can deal with TV. It's not their fault the walls are thin, and they're just living their lives in that regard.
The other side is a different story. I have been trying to get used to their dog barking for 3+ hours outside every day, but it keeps my daughter awake during nap time every. single. day. We're military family housing with strict rules, and I figured I'd try to learn to live with it rather than harshing the vibe of the neighborhood, but it got to be too much for me. For reference, dogs are only allowed outside unsupervised for 5 minutes, and any longer than that needs supervision and must be quiet. Any barking longer than 5 minutes warrants a noise complaint. 5 minutes seems ridiculously strict to me, but 3 hours of it is really absurd.
So today, after a month, I finally called the police for a noise complaint. They showed up, the dog is no longer outside...
And there is a whole lot of terrifying noise next door. Shouting, doors slamming, thumping... It sounds like someone "fell" down the stairs, and a lady yelling in pain. So I had to call 911. I feel like I caused the delicate household balance to tip and it's my fault she got hurt.
Good luck, neighbor lady. :(
Bitter_Bastard: you're imagining shit, your fuck up was uh, nothing?
EDIT: fuck you brain! you're-your
louddogwifebeating: In my opinion, incorrectly in hindsight, I blamed myself for the woman being injured by her nutty spouse.
Bitter_Bastard: I'm right?
louddogwifebeating: Were you not trying to be?
If my shrink tells me it's not my fault, chances are it isn't. She is a tough love kind of lady, and she agrees with you.
Bitter_Bastard: *It's not your fault*
louddogwifebeating: Thanks. I appreciate it. I really did need to hear it. :)
| 7 | 10.142857 | |
1393638917 | 1393754757 | t3_1z8bvi | t5_2to41 | 47 | The500hats: TIFU by running through a wall with a forklift.
The titles says it all. I ran a forklift through a wall at work. Today. Not even an hour ago. Goddamnit... Now don't get me wrong, I didn't bump into on accident. I didn't graze it slightly while making a turn. No. I went THROUGH THE FUCKING WALL. Needless to say I was escorted off the property and told not to ever come back. Fuck...
windexo: Should have taken a picture while you could.
The500hats: I would have done it! But the rule on the production floor was that no cell phones or other recording devices were allowed on site. So no photos :(
windexo: We've got the same rule. I work in the fur industry. Still take SO many photos!
Sorry about your job though. I've seen so many people make careless mistakes that still have their job and are still making mistakes.
The500hats: I'm trying to stay positive through this little hiccup. I'll be working and fine soon enough!
| 5 | 9.4 | |
1393637002 | 1393651801 | t3_1z89ai | t5_2to41 | 12 | lostintime2004: TIFU by going all Evander Holyfield on my calf.
So last night I was stoked, its about 10pm and I am feeling tired for the first time in a long time (insomnia). I lay down, and wake up to the excruciating pain of a muscle spasm about an hour later. I have had nocturnal leg cramps for a long while, so nothing new sadly. I massage out the fasciculations like I do and go back to bed. Only to wake up 15 min later to it cramping and doing the weird twitchy thing ([These things for instance](http://i.imgur.com/3cbAzia.gif)) so I do deep rough massages on it. Goes away only to come back after about 10 min.
I am in a fit of rage at this point from frustration and pain. I spring up a la the undertaker from way back when and start whaling on my calf only thinking "HOWS THIS FOR DEEP TISSUE MASSGE MOTHER FUCKER!?" only to wake up this morning to a black and blue leg and a significant limp.
TL;DR Bananas are awesome
TrendyNoodles: oh my gosh, I hate that weird twitchy thing.
lostintime2004: I *strongly* recommend not punching the hell out of it trying to get rid of it.
| 3 | 4 | |
1393677067 | 1393705910 | t3_1z9efp | t5_2to41 | 128 | Just_some_soundguy: TIFU by walking to Wendys
This happened exactly 4 hours and 30 minutes ago. So yesterday at 11:45pm. I want Reddit to know... I sharted real bad.
I work in live events and the past week has been fairly busy and I've been around McDonald's a lot. It seems like (has been) my lunch/dinner the past couple days. (also on a tight budget) So tonight on my 1 hour break back to the shop to pick up the truck I thought I would have Wendys. After having 2 quarter pounder's at McDicks for lunch around 12:30.
On my way up I felt the stomach turn, make funny noises. I thought I was hungry, but then I felt gassy. I was in the parking lot now at Wendys, half way across almost there! It was funny because I thought of this sub and joked "Don't trust it!", in my head. I haven't pooped myself probably in 10-15 years, when I was a little kid. Well Reddit at 11:45 in the middle of a Wendys parking lot I let the warmest, fastest, disgusting smelling shart out. I stopped. "Fuck. Should never trust a fucking fart!" I turned around thinking maybe walk back to the shop? No. Go in and ask to use their washroom. It closer, number 2 sounds good. (pun intended)
Oh but before I walk in to clean myself up, I face the worst 5 steps up to the crosswalk at the drive-thru, which is full by the way. I feeling was terrible. The squishyness!
I get in and clean up (no-one wants to hear that), come out with toilet paper separating my ass and balls from contacting my poopy boxers. Oh yea, before I forget I was wearing briefs thank god! If I was wearing regular boxers I would have needed to go home. I ended up going back to work at midnight and working till 3am in those boxers. And I didnt remove the toilet paper so I had a much needed shower when I finally got home.
So now I say good night and that the poop in pants counter has been reset.
TLDR: Sharted in front of a full drive-thru and then worked 3 hours after on poopy toilet paper boxers.
EDIT: Reasons I did not go commando:1) brand new pants. I bought them that day for the gig. 2) Putting them in the trash would be cruel. And I can say the girl who was in a rush to pee after me sure noticed right as she opened the door. 3) Going commando at my job is not an option. To much running around and picking things up.
friedjumboshrimp: Why didn't you leave the shitty drawers at Wendy's®?
jatorres: He's not a savage, he took it like a man.
[deleted]: You beat me by one minute!
| 4 | 32 | |
1393676901 | 1393684673 | t3_1z9eav | t5_2to41 | 147 | PlopKitties: TIFU by trying to kill a mosquito in my room.
I am a bit clumsy. Very, so when I was making something tasty I got a pretty bad blister on the side of my palm. It grew and got all pus filled and blegh. I put a band-aid on because burns are weird to me and I'm not the best with taking care of them. I go about the rest of my day, nomming mac n cheese, watching tv, all the happy things for a day off. I sit down at my computer and get all nice and settled in.
I see something move out of the corner of my eye. "Oh, well" I tell myself. "It's almost 2 am, I'm probably tired and my eyes are being dumb". I happily go back to what I was all up and doing. I see movement again and narrow in on it. It's the biggest fucking mosquito I've ever seen. This fucker could have carried another one on its back. I freak the hell out and try to kill it. I try to squish it with my hands, but because of the burn, I did it in a way that only used the top half of my hand. I missed, but lost sight of it, so I left it alone.
I see this fucker three more times in the same spot of my eye. Every time I miss because I'm worried about the blister. My patience was wearing thin. I felt like I was going to deal with this forever. I try new tactics. I throw bottles, brushes, my jacket, and some sort of plastic thing I don't recognize. I was getting desperate. I wanted this thing dead and nothing seemed to help. I got too worked up by this, so I thought ignoring it would work instead.
Eventually this little cocksucking blood fuck wanted a piece of me. He came after my face and I got primal on his little bug ass. I roared like a bear ready to attack and brought my hands together with so much force and noise I probably scared the little bug piss out of him. I squished the hell out of him. I felt proud. Then boiling hot pain on my hand. I look down and see that the blister has been obliterated from my hand. Pus and a little blood oozed into my hand and mixed with the bug guts. I ran to the bathroom and swung open the door without knocking because I needed this off now. I see my mom half asleep and making a pretty bad stench. She sees me in short boxers with my boobs hanging around. We both screamed. My step dad blunders out thinking there's something wrong. HE'S wearing boxers and no shirt. We all just sit/stand in silence for what feels like hours. I mumbled a sorry and washed my hand quickly. Parents aggravated, they drag back into the room.
I feel no pain now. Just empty shame that we've all seen each other almost naked.
Edit: Added boob.
Boom_harvey: Your mom has wiped your ass, not the first time for her!
PlopKitties: Well she didn't need to see my pubertyfied body. I feel as if she's some how.. forever bothered by my boobs.
Boom_harvey: Figured you were male, awkward with boobs added in
PlopKitties: Just a little. I guess the boxers, right? They're just so damn breezy and open.
| 5 | 29.4 | |
1393693595 | 1393714493 | t3_1z9xfi | t5_2to41 | 344 | DemHooksOP: TIFU by confusing application due dates
Well fuck my life. I and 4 other students in my whole uni were nominated for an award that required us to submit and application for review. It required a bunch of stuff so I put it off thinking it was due the 5th of March.
Well I finally got everything together today so I went to submit the finished application and it turns out it was actually due on the 25th of February. I dont even know how I am going to face the professor that put me up for nomination now.
Dont procrastinate kids. Fuck.
whyihatepink: Submit it anyway? They might still take it.
Orjee: this. it certainly wouldn't hurt.
whyihatepink: The worst they can say is no, right? I got my current job after turning in an application a few days late and putting in a killer interview, sometimes they're OK with getting late apps and sometimes build in a buffer specifically for that.
Orjee: exactly. i'd recommend just being honest about it and turning it in. if OP gets denied, then it's no different than if he hadn't turned it in.
Orelle: I third this! I submit a late application for the most important award of my university career, simply because I knew the other applicants and (erroneously) assumed they would rank ahead of me. This kind of blunder doesn't usually fly, but in certain environments — particularly academic — you might be forgiven.
If I were OP, I'd fess up, apologize for the unintended delay, and submit the app without expectation, but thanks for the nomination. You never know!
| 6 | 57.333333 | |
1393705552 | 1393778052 | t3_1zafno | t5_2to41 | 1,438 | aunty_strophe: TIFU and chemical burned my sack (NSFW)
Backstory: I generally try to keep myself as neat and tidy as possible south of the border, partially for the sake of cleanliness but more because I think it's really gross if things get overgrown. Whilst it's quite enough to just keep my pubes under control I completely cannot stand having any hair on my balls. I've tried shaving it off before, but I'm so terrified of my razor getting caught on a wrinkle and slashing me open that I always did a really shitty job.
So what did I decide was the most obvious next choice? Well I didn't feel like slowly peeling my scrotum off, so waxing was out of the question, but hey! What's this in the chemist's? Hair removal cream... that ought to do the trick! Now I wasn't going to be an idiot about it - the bottle specifically says not to use it for this. I did a test on a very small patch of skin and everything was fine, so I went ahead and did the whole shebang. Let me tell you, it was glorious. My balls have never been so silky smooth and I had no troubles whatsoever despite the warnings.
I'd only got a small tube, so it ran out fairly quickly and I knew this was going to become an essential. So the next time I was in the supermarket I went by the toiletries section to get a full-size tube. Now my last one had been a fairly major brand, but I noticed the store was selling its own brand for about half the price and the cheapskate in me just couldn't resist. Mistake.
So I decided to use it this morning, didn't do a test 'cause I reckoned it'd all be fine and just slathered it on there, left it on while I had my shave then hopped in the shower to take it off. As soon as the hot shower-water touched it it was like someone was holding a lighter under my crotch. I realized what must've been going on and washed it off as fast as I could, but the damage had clearly been done. My sack is now completely pink with some lovely red blotches where the cream's eaten away at too much of the skin. Needless to say I'm in agony right now.
tl;dr: caueat emptor.
smooth-butt: Might be worth noting: I've shaved my balls hundreds (possibly thousands) of times and I've never once cut myself. It's actually not as bad of an area to shave as you might think - it's very resilient and pulling it tight for a close shave is easy. :)
TommyTheCat89: No it's not. I cut myself every time. It's like trying to shave a soapy snake.
GundamWang: Cool it down a bit so it becomes less loose. Cool towel or just splash it with water.
Ohnoezszs: But then it just wrinkles up more.
the_word_is: Dude, this works. It wrinkles, but then you can pull it to rid the wrinkles. This is a fact of life, don't debate it.
Ohnoezszs: Okay man, I'll trust you.
TheRobBot: That's textbook famous last words.
BrolecopterPilot: RIP in Peace /u/ohnoezsz's genitals.
Master_Shitster: RIP in peace?
1334586744: Rip in pieces
| 11 | 130.727273 | |
1393705880 | 1393741581 | t3_1zag6x | t5_2to41 | 62 | PicklePalooza: TIFU by commiting hamstercide.
This actually happened a couple of days ago, but whatever. My little brother C has a pet hamster named James, and James had a very peculiar habit of covering up his food with the paper shreds we use for lining(I don't know if this is a regular hamster thing or not). This made it very difficult to see whether or not James' food needed refilling. You can guess what happened next. My father comes up to me, and in a hushed tone of voice, informs me of James' untimely demise. In a panic, we decide to replace James with another hamster of the same breed, but tjere were none of the same breed. We eventually settle on a like-colored one, and perform the switch, disposing of OG James and putting James 2.0 in his place. C still hasn't noticed, and I hope it stays that way.
TL;DR: Hamsters are easily replaced, if done stealthily.
*By the way, C is seven years old, so James was really only his hamster in name. Also, don't think that I feel nothing from killing the poor thing. I'm still pretty guilty about it.
LuxNocte: The hamster should probably be fed a certain amount regularly , instead of just when it needs to be refilled. And it should probably be someone's job (probably C), while it's someone else's job (probably you) to remind him.
Starving to death is a horrible way to die and your family should feel guilty. Please make sure to take better care of James 2.0.
myimportantthoughts: Yep, there really should be an adult giving it a sensible portion of food every day rather than entrusting it to a 7 year old.
Also, having had a hamster I would suggest that you can always lead on the side of more food, they store loads of food (mine did anyway) so giving it 20% extra food won't kill it. However, not giving it any food obviously will.
Byrdboy: Entrusting a 7 year old to do anything is a poor decision really...
| 4 | 15.5 | |
1393715370 | 1393994581 | t3_1zauv7 | t5_2to41 | 36 | Enigma87: TIFU by calling a Chinese act Japanese at a university culture event in front of over a 1000 people.
So reddit, I'm a committee member on our university's Alzheimer's society, we raise money for the charity and it's really great etc etc.
Anyway, every year at my university there is an event called GoGlobal, organizers invite students/societies from a wide range of backgrounds to perform an act in front of an audience which shows their culture, really great event, this year we had a huge variety of cultures being shown, to name a few, Kazakhstan, Vietnam, China, Japan, India, Turkmenistan and many more.
GoGlobal also raises money for charity, this charity is chosen by the students through voting. I hope you see where I'm going with this. Alzheimer's won the sponsorship, and they wanted someone from the committee to help host, particularly a male so the duo hosting would be male and a female.
Being the only man on the committee, it was me by default, but I've done acting in the past so I was pretty keen regardless.
The night comes round. Oh. **My**. ***GOD***. How many people?! I was not expecting over a 1000 people at the event, this was apparently the most attended GoGlobal event so far. So yeah, little freak out, but still keen to get on, it'll be fun, right?
Well. On I go to the stage, little awkward, but I get a bit more comfortable as time passes, the 3rd act finishes, I need to go on and thank the previous act and ask for another round of applause etc etc.
"Wow, that was great! Can we get another round of applause for **Japan** please!"
Applause. Then a cry from the crowd "That was ***CHINA***"
Oh. Fuck.
I play it off with "I knew that! I was just testing you guys making sure you were awake!"
But yeah, there was boo-ing, and laughter from the crowd. I fucked up pretty bad, and now my friends keep sending me maps of Asia saying I should probably do some homework.
On the other hand after than fuck up the rest of the night went okay, I just tried to forget about it and crack on and I felt far more comfortable by the second half.
**TL;DR: Hosted an event of about 1100 people representing a charity, called a Chinese act Japanese, got boo'd on stage.**
Edit: Spelling
Vovix1: "huge variety of cultures"
All cultures listed are from Asia
Imthedaddy11: Kazakhstan, India, and Turkmenistan are not Asian. India is it's own race and the stans are Middle Eastern
Vovix1: Umm, they're still in the continent of Asia. Countries in Asia=Asian.
Imthedaddy11: That is like saying everyone in South America is American
Vovix1: Yes. In fact, everyone in North America is American, too.
Imthedaddy11: no Canadians are Canadian, Mexicans are Mexican, Colombians are Colombian, Brazilians are Brazilian, and Peruvians are Peruvian. These are just some of the peoples of the Americas
Vovix1: Yes. All of them are people of the Americas. Therefore, American. American means "from America".
| 8 | 4.5 | |
1393722121 | 1393736791 | t3_1zb4t3 | t5_2to41 | 92 | Dick_in_a_b0x: TIFU by offering my girlfriend's brother's friends a ride.
The poor kid is in the hospital undergoing chemotherapy for the second time around. As a surprise , we decided to offer his friends a ride to the hospital. The back seat of my sedan was packed with about 4 teens, one of which smelled like he ran a few laps and just threw on an outfit.
If that wasn't bad enough, it turns out that one of the girls just got her period while out and had no pads or tampons. As a desperate attempt to save herself from futher humiliation, she decides to just throw a sweater over her jeans. As you can already guess, it didn't prevent any seepage. As I'm writing this, I have them all trying different ways to get a pool of blood out of my new car's upholstery.
Just needed somewhere to vent before I go nuts.
TL:DR - Girl got her period all over the backseat of my new car.
Liquid-02: http://www.wikihow.com/Clean-a-Blood-Stain-from-Car-Upholstery
Hope that helps. Just remember she's probably mortified too.
Dick_in_a_b0x: Thanks, this was very helpful. The poor girl ran out but her friends came back to help clean up the mess. I don't think I'll ever see her again but I asked that they not bring it up to her.
Liquid-02: That's a pretty solid and human thing you did there. Ups for being a good person. No one needs to be reminded of their worst day, that's what their own scumbag brain is for!
| 4 | 23 | |
1393727480 | 1393896739 | t3_1zbccl | t5_2to41 | 65 | [deleted]: TIFU by squeezing what I thought was a zit.
Here's where I say that this wasn't today, but a week and a half ago. I'm a 24 year old guy and the Thursday before last, I felt a sore spot on my tail bone. I have gotten this before, and while a bit unpleasant, it usually goes away after a few days. So it kept getting slightly worse. It got to the point where bending over and even walking was painful. It became apparent that I needed to see a doctor. I ended up having something called a Pilonidal Cyst (For the love of God, don't google it! It's basically a severely ingrown hair and is common with men who are a bit hairy) that had me sent to the ER to get drained. First of all, the pain of having a numbing agent injected into the area hurt like a bitch, mostly because the immediate area was already chock full of pus. When the doctor pulled the needle out, all I could feel was blood and pus running down my butt crack.
Next came the scalpel. He cut what he explained was a hole in the area and the first thing that hit me was the smell. If I were not aware of the procedure, I would have guessed that I shit myself and a corpse came out of my ass mixed with some rotten eggs. I normally feel that doctors know what they are getting into when the choose their path, but God am I sorry for my doctor. The explosion of pus and blood was unlike anything I had expected. It didn't hit the walls or go in his mouth or anything, but it was like having a huge amount of pressure suddenly release through a small cut.
Because I had squeezed the cyst in its early stages, the infection spread pretty deep and I was informed that it was the deepest cyst of this kind that the doctor had ever worked on. I then got to experience him squeezing every drop of nasty out of it, insert a long string of fabric, which acted as a wick to further drain it, and then had to keep it covered in fresh gauze for a week.
I can't help but feel that if I hadn't squeezed in the first place, it would have resolved itself without any medical bills.
ProxyGamer: Yeah, have had one. After its over your like "my dignity is GONE."
No medical bills though as I live in Canada.
SammysMum: No, your dignity is gone when you poop while giving birth. O_O
Pichus_Wrath: Aww, Sammy was a twin. <3
SammysMum: LMAO You just made my night. Hilarious! :-D
| 5 | 13 | |
1393733973 | 1393763151 | t3_1zblfh | t5_2to41 | 24 | Penguinseatfish: TIFU by trying to fix my clogged kitchen sink
Day 1: My wife discovers the sink was clogged. Since my dad worked as a Roto Rooter guy and I had watched him clean numerous pipes when I was a kid I felt this was something I could handle without calling someone in. (RIP Dad, hope you got a good laugh.)
First F.U.: Tried the old wire coat hanger down the drain. Discovered that the elbow was corroded and wire coat hanger immediately makes a hole in the pipe. Got a bucket, sink drained. Ok, next step.
Day 2: Had a chance to go get a 10' hand sewer snake the next morning. Pulled the trap off, pulled a couple other pipes off but try as I might, could NOT get that fucker around the 90 degree elbow immediately under the sink in the basement. It became quickly obvious this clog was downstairs and not under the sink. No clean out downstairs. F.U. of the day - snake got STUCK in the elbow. That fucker only just barely came out.
Day 3: Got a longer and different snake that I thought would fit better. Same deal. Barely got IT out too. Much cussing. Later in the day, went to store and got metal tape style snake. Also got stuck at elbow. REALLY barely got it out this time. F.U. of the day, trying the same damn thing and getting the same damn results.
Day 4: Rented big sewer snake thinking it would work better. Nope. Getting desperate. Start looking at the pipe downstairs. 1.5" PVC pipe runs along the basement ceiling in a straight shot from the 90 degree elbow under the sink to the main line. Clog MUST be in that long, straight, easily accessible pipe. Hmm...
I'm gonna CUT that fucker, clean out the pipe, and glue it back together. I know how to glue PVC, it's easy. No sweat. Not only that, I'm going to get a Y fitting and put a cleanout in that fucker while I'm at it. Go to store, get pvc repair stuff and saw. Out of Y's, oh well, no need to get fancy.
F.U. of the day #1. Go get the step stool to cut that pipe? No way, here's an old end table that's pretty sturdy, I'm going to use it. I get up there, cut the pipe (geesh the smell), bucket to catch the little bit of water. Look up that pipe and it's VERY clogged in both directions as far as my flashlight will shine.
Wife comes down to inspect my progress. I'm in the middle of explaining what I see when my right foot goes through the top of that not-so-sturdy old end table and next thing I know I'm on the floor. Bucket of murky, smelly water splashes everywhere. I'm pretty banged up from hitting the concrete and destroying this piece of furniture but ok. Dang, now what to do?
Get step stool, attempt to clean out the pipe. Tried various tools to get the gunk out of this pipe. None are very effective. Tried the snakes, finally tried the metal tape snake thing. It may have worked! I felt it go through something substantial! Keep pushing and then will pull it out. Open pipe, glue it up, all good.
F.U. Of the Day #2: It hit that elbow. It's stuck again. Really stuck. I CAN'T get it out this time. Oh, man. Now what. I COULD give up, call the plumber and put this behind me. I'm a bit over my head. But what's HE gonna do? HE'S gonna CUT THAT PIPE to get this piece of metal out and then he's gonna glue it all back up. I can do that too, right? Most importantly, I'd feel like a damn fool if anyone ever saw this. Not happening.
I cut the pipe at the elbow. Got the tape snake out. Now what? Pipe STILL looks full of crap. Hmm.
F.U. of the Day #3 (the BIG one): I'm gonna REPLACE that fucking piece of pipe! I loosen it up and start pulling it through. I had not considered that (a) this pipe is, as I measured later, about 14ft long. I do not have enough space in the room to pull it out in one piece. (b) THAT PIPE IS FULL OF WATER AND SMELLY SHIT!
Sure enough, I pull it through and all that gunk starts coming out all over EVERYTHING. And then it's stuck. I have to cut it in the middle to get it fully down so it'll stop. More smelly gunk EVERYWHERE. Fortunately it's an unfinished room but the floor is coated. I'M coated. It's 10pm, I've had a long day at work and now I have a huge clean up job to do. <sigh> Just about to admit defeat.
Day 5: Well, it gets done. I clean it up. Next morning, go get 20 ft of PVC (and the clean out fitting, different store). CAREFULLY cut it, glue it up, make damn sure everything under the sink is put back right and cross fingers.
No leaks. Runs great! Success! I have defeated my plumbing foe!
Bob Vila ain't got nothing on ME! Go to have my celebratory Dogfishhead 60 min IPA.. damn, it's FROZEN. I left it on the porch to stay cold. It's about 8 degrees F. <sigh>
And, if you've been keeping track, I spent about $150 on stuff for this fix. And have DAYS worth of backed up dirty dishes to do in the kitchen. All because one day I fucked up and didn't call a plumber. My dad is STILL laughing up there someplace.
Edit: Misplaced word
Bitter_Bastard: tl;dr how did you fuck up? jesus, shitty plumber?
EDIT: wholly shit you brought your dead dad into the story, wow. Good stuff.
T3hBau5: >wholly shit
Nope.
| 3 | 8 | |
1393742200 | 1393880548 | t3_1zbuyv | t5_2to41 | 88 | Anonymous_user_95: TIFU and sent my professor pony porn
So i have a paper due 2 days ago. my professor gave me an extension and told me to email it to him when i was done. i mixed up the paper with the folder filled with my little pony porn "why is that there? i was trolling my friends it's a long story" anyway i accidentally emailed him over 98 MLP rule 34 images. currently awaiting shit storm.
Anonymous_user_95: well i was gonna post an update explaining the aftermath. but you guys are assholes. they judged me less on 4CHAN. think about that for a second... /b/ judged me less than you.
0x_: > well i was gonna post an update explaining the aftermath.
do a selfpost in /r/mylittleandysonic1 and tell us, we are a clop support group we had the guy who runs redlight ponyville in, and he told us how his mom found printed out pony porn splattered in cum. also he knows the guy who married twilight.
make your throwaway count, come and tell us about it we're cool
Scotchaloo: Yeah and I met the person who made the lifesize fleshlight Twilight plushy. He was a pretty chill guy to be honest and he just did it for the money.
0x_: im not sure which one that is, was it before 2013? pics? thats when i joined the sub/started following the fandom. pretty cool that people can even see a buck to made made in a niche like that, its cool, i like the things that the fandom make and do in general (ultimately more than the show)
Scotchaloo: [The guy who made this beauty.](http://imgur.com/af4Uixm)
I met him a couple of years ago and he had a Pinky one without the tackle. Good quality too, nice firm stuffing.
0x_: > The guy who made this beauty.
its the pinkie bed linen that completes it for me, ballin' hard \#swag
> nice firm stuffing.
theres a joke in there somewhere
so he sold how many of them, how much did they go for? some sell for quite a lot, some do at first and drop off heavily in value.
Scotchaloo: I think that one went for 4 grand in Sterling money so lots.
[What happens when stuffing is innadiquite.](http://plushbuddies.deviantart.com/art/Life-sized-Rainbow-Dash-198912079/)[](/dosh "")
0x_: was that the first one, and the rest came down in price to about 600 eventually? if so i think this one came up the other day
Scotchaloo: Not sure really, replica talking horses isn't something I really keeps tabs on.
0x_: it was only the other day [[and no it doesnt look like the same thing at all](https://pay.reddit.com/r/mylittleandysonic1/comments/1xx0am/did_that_really_happen/)]
Scotchaloo: :3[](/adorablelyra-i "YOU HATH BEEN DECEIVED BY MISINFORMATION")
0x_: [](/macsmile-i)
| 13 | 6.769231 | |
1393727014 | 1393745648 | t3_1zbboh | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU: By simultaneously getting myself fired and almost letting diarrhea loose in my pants.
*Ok, this wasn't today. That's my first confession. This actually happened a few weeks ago, but it's taken a while for me to see the humor in it. Still, I totally fucked up pretty bad. So rewind to earlier in February... Also, apologies it turned into a novel, I get carried away when I write.*
After recently quitting my last job, I got a job in a work wear store; the sort of place where plumbers, electricians, etc came to get their work clothes, boots, safety gear, etc.
So basically, I was dealing with male customers. I live in Australia, so obviously they're pretty tough already. But I also live in a reasonably small city in Australia that has some pretty "bogan" type people; the sort of old blokes you see typically spending their evenings in a pub, smoking cigarettes and driving in old run-down, rusty utes. These were generally my customers. *Or* they were young boys who were failing at school and their mothers were trying to get them to do a trade. Basically, not very classy clientele.
For the sort of laid back, "How ya goin' love?" type blokes we had as customers, the boss was *very* uptight about being professional. So, for the first 5 days I worked there, I took every step to ensure that I was being incredibly professional around my customers at all times.
Anyway, one day I was serving a bloke, and he was worried the pair he was in would stretch too much. My manager has taught me the phrase "as a *general rule*, the leather *should* give about a half size". My boss happened to be walking past and heard what I said. She hauled me into the back room instantly and demanded to know why I was speaking to customers that way. I was dumbfounded, *what had I done wrong?* I finally realise she's referring to what I said about the leather stretching, which *my manager taught me*. I politely explained that I was taught to say that, and was immediately shut down, basically being accused of lying because they "never use terms like that!" The psycho woman then got within an inch of my face, and screamed, "What happens when some big burly bloke comes in and says 'YOU FUCKING TOLD ME THESE WOULD STRETCH A HALF SIZE'? You'll be standing there crying and I won't be able to do anything about it because you have been lying to the customers!"
Completely in shock, and quickly realising that nothing I said would make it better, I acknowledged that I was "wrong" and apologized. Later on in the day, the boss pulled me back into a room for a "Language Training Session". Here, the boss briefly acknowledged that she had spoken to the manager and found out that she had taught me wrong. During the training, my boss started getting pretty casual with *her* language, and swear words were popping up all over the place, mostly when she was "acting as a customer". By the time it was done, it was the end of the day, and no customers were in the store so the happy mood continued as we said goodbye and went home.
After the abuse I'd received in the back room, I'd decided I hated that woman, but she'd really turned it around during the "training", and I wasn't dreading going to work the next day... But I should have.
I did everything I was supposed to, as usual. I served the customers in an incredibly professional manner, and I was feeling more "welcome" in this new work place. About half an hour before my break, I got stuck with a young teenage boy who didn't seem to give a *fuck* about being there. His mother had no idea what she wanted either; they came unprepared without a list or a clue what to get. But I was perfectly patient and helped the whole way along, until my manager called me to take my break. As a professional would do, I politely explained to the customers that I was going on my break, but that [manager] would be over to help them in a moment. I went to the manager and "handed over". Here is where I went drastically wrong. I'm almost too ashamed to say it, but *fuck it*; I'm a young Australian girl living in a bogan town, and some times shit happens and stupid mistakes occur. I said "they have no fucking clue what they want", I went on to explain what I'd tried offering them, and what might be a good option. This was all whispered in hushed tones, and we were a good 20m away from the customers; no way they heard.
The manager nodded and I went off onto my break.
After my break, I was hauled out of the store and directly into the bosses office. I immediately knew I'd crossed the line. I had said a swear word. One *fucking* swearword. Ok, so I'm going to get a warning, maybe even a sever warning. But I haven't done anything else wrong at all (except for the incident that was my managers fault), so I should be alright; just a bit embarrassed.
"HOW DARE YOU..."
*Woah, ok... This is serious.*
"I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE... YOU KNOW WHAT? **GET OUT. GET YOUR BAG AND LEAVE THIS STORE IMMEDIATELY**"
*Holy shit...*
Lets pause for a moment, and go to yesterdays poor decisions. At lunch, I ate chicken that was *probably* too old, but I was hungry and desperate. For dinner, I had a burrito with extra jalapenos and added fresh chilli. In the morning of this dreadful day, I'd had my first coffee in weeks. Any *one* of these things would be enough to set off my bowels, but *all* of them? I'd already been struggling that morning.
"SUCH A FILTHY MOUTH..."
The woman continued berating me, but legit, it's like time stood still for me; my entire body was suddenly overcome with this panic. A sickening, warmth that had my whole body shaking.
*I was going to shit myself*.
I suppose the horror of the moment (Like, holy shit, I'm getting fired?!), suddenly put extra stress on my body *and bowels*, and suddenly it was an agonizing effort to squeeze my little butt hole shut. I'm pretty sure my face looked like one of those "super funny" gifs of babies squeezing out a poo or something, because I literally had no control over anything other than my butt; that's where every drop of energy was focussed.
I literally was gripping my chair on either side to try and keep my cool. My whole body was shaking.
Slowly but surely, I lost a bit of control, and a fart escaped. Just a little one that I felt creeping up my butt crap, and made a little "pop" when it finally got room to escape into the atmosphere. From there, it got worse; "pop, pop, pop" these little farts escaped.
Luckily I was on a leather chair that made popping noises anyway, so I did what I could to disguise my own "pops". I'm sure a new level or horror washed over my face when I realised the potential these farts had to be filthy rotten smelling; bad chicken, spicy burrito, coffee... *Oh my god*.
Finally, I was able to regain control. The farts didn't stink. *Thank god*.
As for getting fired? The woman went on for an *hour* about how disgusting I was, how filthy my mouth was and how shocked she was. She'd give me the chance to "explain" myself (...*I acknowledge I crossed a line, and understand now that what I did was not ok. Our training session yesterday gave me a false sense of understanding about how we can speak among other staff, which was my fault for misunderstanding, and I will not do it again*... I mean, C'mon, the woman was swearing like a sailor yesterday!), but with every "explanation" she would tell me she likes me less and less because I was just "ass covering" (Wtffffff, I was doing what I could to professionally take the blame and accept my mistake...). During that time, she "fired" me, then gave me another chance about 4 times.
Eventually she settled on, "You have ONE week to prove yourself to me. But we will be watching your every move. Your every encounter with the customers. Next week, [manager] will have a *written report* on my desk, and we will determine if we see you fit to remain within this company".
Once they finally let me out of the office, I continued the rest of the day as normal; professional and fucking sophisticated. When I got home though, I cried like a baby. I was so embarrassed and ashamed.
The next morning, I called to say that I appreciated the opportunity, but that the company "wasn't right for me" and politely quit.
**Tl;DR Got a new job. Got fired within less than a week and almost shat myself after eating a lot of chili and other bad stuff.**
Edit: Words.
Edit again: Tried to reduce. Failed. My bad.
strawberry36: I can't tell how how much that horrific manager reminds me of a coworker I once had the misfortune of dealing with. Only, when I tried to quit, this coworker didn't back off. No… she seemed to go in for the kill and started treating me even more horribly (when she deigned to acknowledge my presence).
Have you been able to find another job since then?
shellehbelleh: Icky; sorry you've had an awful co-worker like that!
I certainly have, and this place is good; thank god! I'm working in a hospitality store that has everything you could possibly imagine ever needing in the kitchen. Because I love cooking, I'm totally digging my job! My co-workers are awesome, and so is the boss. Phew! :')
strawberry36: Yay! It's always nice to have a job that you enjoy. The coworker I mentioned was at my old job, at a restaurant… I'm now in retail. It's so much nicer and I love my coworkers. :)
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1393733826 | 1393784631 | t3_1zbl83 | t5_2to41 | 12 | xmod14: tifu by buying a game that is currently out of my system limits
So yesterday I got some steam money and bought a few games adding up to an impressive total of $95.20. One of those happened to be the Early Access game Planetary Annihilation. I forgot to read the system requirements, and i run the very far outdated Windows XP Service Pack 3. The game requires at least Vista SP2. So there goes $29.99. (For all you non-steamers, Steam charges no tax.)
Edit: I now run Windows 7 Professional
[deleted]: I'm not trying to sound rude here, but why do you still have XP installed if you are a PC gamer or Steam user? Is it because your PC came with it, or did you choose to run XP? I'm just asking.
xmod14: well it was a college pc that had win 7 on it but they had dban'd it (Darian's Boot and Nuke) so that wiped EVERYTHING like i mean it did not boot because it did not have an operating system. XP was all we had. i hope to get 7 soon, also games are still rolling out with xp on the OS list, so it is still a kind of popular platform
theredvip3r: Yo dude, people sell . Windows keys for like 20$ on /r/softwareswap
xmod14: brother goes to fanshawe, students get 7 & 8.1 for free
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1393745475 | 1393782891 | t3_1zby15 | t5_2to41 | 1,094 | Talvanen: TIFU by being a creepy weirdo in front of a whole family at work.
Let me keep this short and sweet:
I'm a cashier. Our store is near a movie theater. On weekends in particular we get a large influx of people in to buy cheap candy for the movies.
It just so happens that our software got updated, so the debit card machine is acting up and making people redo their cards a lot.
A mom, dad, and two young kids came in, grabbed some candy and came to to the register.
"Guess where we're going?" says the dad, who is apparently the most original man on the planet.
He swipes his card.
"Um, I dunno. The morgue?"
Don't know why I said it. First thing that came to mind as a "joking" response.
The machine fucks up. The dad swipes again. The mom is glaring at me.
The little girl says, "what's a morgue?"
*Oh god what have I done?*
"It's where they put dead people before they get buried", I helpfully offer.
*OMG MOUTH! MOUTH STAHP!*
The machine fucks up. The dad swipes again. I apologize for the machine while the mother's glaring intensifies into pure rage.
The machine finally works. The mother grabs the bags and walks off in a huff. The dad gives me this "wow...just...wow" look and follows his wife out the door.
Now that kid is going to be asking about dead people all night. Fuck.
poohspiglet: Yes, you did make an error big time. Until you're a parent you probably won't realize how big, neither will most of the commenters here. At least you seem to have recognized your error. Hopefully your boss doesn't hear about it. The other hope is that if you see that family or the mom or dad again that you apologize. Until you do they're going to think you're off, and not in a good way.
RockDaHouse690: Didn't know they're was a good version of being "off", another thing, why was it such a bad error? I would really love an explanation of how explaining what morgues are is a bad thing.
poohspiglet: You are forcing the parents to have an uncomfortable conversation with their children that obviously they did not want to have at that moment. My experience has been that anything that happens right before bedtime may become material for nightmare fodder, especially for young children. From what was described, the parents were having a good night and OP brought up death. Do I have to go on? By "off" I mean it as end of shift is a good thing. Being full of darkness while greeting or conversing with customers or trying to make a joke, may give the public the appearance that you are mentally unstable. Or at minimum that you cannot read people for feedback and adjust accordingly.
Koshgel: Wow helicopter parent much?
poohspiglet: You're making quite a few **ass u** mptions.
Koshgel: Oh you are vulgar to people you dont agree with as well?
I would hate to be your kid.
poohspiglet: You're getting back to you what you projected. I do tend to be pissy to internet strangers who have no clue. My sincerest apologies from the bottom of my cold, dead, heart.
Koshgel: I projected genuine curiosity and received vulgarity in response.
Maybe you should do some introspection if strangers on the Internet can rattle you so much with a single comment.
Is this what you teach your kid?
poohspiglet: > Is this what you teach your kid?
I teach my child to not interact with people who appear to be off. Kind of like you and OP. We'll be seeing you now internet stranger. Have a great day and best wishes on your future redditing.
Koshgel: I think the only one who is off in this thread is you.
You ignore my valid points and concentrate on negatives to justify yourself.
| 11 | 99.454545 | |
1393742966 | 1393858478 | t3_1zbvrf | t5_2to41 | 29 | jpcassil: TIFU by picking my friend up from the Metro.
I had the most bizarre accident tonight: I went to my car to pick a buddy up from public transportation (he's staying with me for the weekend in DC.) and in the dark, I rounded the back of my car too fast, while stepping downward to the pavement from the curb sidewalk. My unforeseen car antenna ripped through my eyelid, causing a bruised eyeball.
I had my buddy take a cab, while I cleaned up the blood everywhere and got ready to drive us to the hospital. Luckily, they say it should heal in the next few weeks without stitches and that my cornea was not scratched.
**TLDR; Eye was raped by my car antenna.**
Devalau: That sounds very painful. Where the blood was coming from ?
fredinvisible: Probably the ripped eyelid.
Boom_harvey: I see what you did there, very nice!
| 4 | 7.25 | |
1393761636 | 1393762941 | t3_1zc9lp | t5_2to41 | 1 | myhugetits: TIFU by masturbating to TIFU at the library
T3hBau5: What TIFU did you flick the bean to?
myhugetits: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1z83m3/tifu_by_masturbating_nsfw/ this one i am bi
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1393761304 | 1393866591 | t3_1zc9cg | t5_2to41 | 83 | nobgobbling101: Today I fucked up by wanking too hard.
I started feeling horny while trying to sleep, to help me sleep, I decided to start masturbating. Over 20 minutes had past and I still couldn't spit. about 10 minutes later my penis started to go limp. I was determined though after 10 minutes I finally came, I felt so exhausted because I didn't switch hands. I fell asleep instantly. When I woke up my penis felt really raw, along with my balls, I realised I had never cleaned up and I had rubbed my semen against my skin while sleeping. I hit the shower immediately. It was then when I decided to clean for nob cheese, I noticed the end of my foreskin was bloated and had bulged, it was then when I noticed that the mole on my foreskin had stretched around and made my penis look like a one eyed smiley face. I laughed so hard in the shower I slipped, shampoo ran into my japs eye and I have never experience so much pain before, it also made my balls feel worse as it had go onto the raw bit. I now have frozen pea's against it to try and numb the pain.
I forgot the nsfw tag. Also, I found a fix,[ I put my balls and penis into a tumbler glass](http://i.imgur.com/itJ96f9.png) filled with warm water, felt much better. The swelling is still there though.
[deleted]: Warm water might help. Did something similar to my clit once. A hot bath did wonders.
nobgobbling101: I hope you'll be pleased to know the swelling had gone down, and it no longer stings, if you see the picture above it shows how I did it, unless it's dead, I'll reupload.
[deleted]: Take a hot bath, and be careful about underwear and pants today- chafing might bother it more. Hot bath with baking soda in it is super soothing.
nobgobbling101: I'm wearing extremely baggy boxer shorts, chafing now more.
[deleted]: If you have a tub, take a baking soda bath tonight. It'll help, promise.
| 6 | 13.833333 | |
1393738806 | 1393807369 | t3_1zbrbt | t5_2to41 | 11 | kjm6137: TIFU by spilling milk on an air mattress
So, about 4 hours ago I was drinking milk in my room. I had had a friend over the night before and was too lazy to move the air mattress I laid out for him to lay on. Earlier in that day, I was told, "Don't cry over spilled milk." Well now I am. My glass of milk was sitting on a stool next to the air mattress. I picked it up, took a drink, and when I put it down I had a little shiver of cold. Some milk spilled out and made me panic because I don't know if you've ever had milk spilled on the carpet but it makes the carpet all hard and white. So during my moment of panic I just decided it was a great idea to drop the milk on the stool. As the glass of milk fell to the stool, Matrix Bullet Time kicked in and made me realize how bad my fuck up was. The milk fell off the stool and leaked all over the air mattress. I ran for some paper towels and some water and started cleaning as fast as I could. Now, as I write this, the dried milk looks like dry splotches of semen. My mom came in the room and asked me why the air mattress had white on it. I told her I spilled some milk and she gave me a nervous smile and went out of the room. So along with a milk stained air mattress, my mom thinks I came all over the mattress I have my friends sleep on.
TIFUpdate One of my friends slept on it. When he woke up he asked why there was a big spermy mess on the mattress.
KristyConfused: Please edit to take all those unnecessary spaces out of the beginning. It's not worth the effort to try and read it right how.
lopegbg: So, about 4 hours ago I was drinking milk in my room. I had had a friend over the night before and was too lazy to move the air mattress I laid out for him to lay on. Earlier in that day, I was told, "Don't cry over spilled milk." Well now I am. My glass of milk was sitting on a stool next to the air mattress. I picked it up, took a drink, and when I put it down I had a little shiver of cold. Some milk spilled out and made me panic because I don't know if you've ever had milk spilled on the carpet but it makes the carpet all hard and white.
So during my moment of panic I just decided it was a great idea to drop the milk on the stool. As the glass of milk fell to the stool, Matrix Bullet Time kicked in and made me realize how bad my fuck up was. The milk fell off the stool and leaked all over the air mattress. I ran for some paper towels and some water and started cleaning as fast as I could.
Now, as I write this, the dried milk looks like dry splotches of semen. My mom came in the room and asked me why the air mattress had white on it. I told her I spilled some milk and she gave me a nervous smile and went out of the room. So along with a milk stained air mattress, my mom thinks I came all over the mattress I have my friends sleep on.
Defiant_Tomato: Thank Fuck, you're a life saver!
EDIT: I have tagged you as "Life Saver"
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1393785845 | 1393806123 | t3_1zd2u4 | t5_2to41 | 1,896 | [deleted]: TIFU by having my wife arrested after church in front of our kids
Hey reddit, I just want to get this fuck up off my chest.
**Some Background:**
My wife and I are going through a tough period, constantly having arguments and always fighting. Lately it became a little violent, as she started to self harm during our fights. She would hold the knife to her neck, and threaten to kill her self. She is also pregnant, baby is due April 25th and will be our 3rd child together.
**Today:
**
Today marked the 5th day of nonstop fighting and arguing. We usually have a good time at church with family and friends so we decided to go anyway. Big mistake. The entire time we was there she cried, everyone was looking, people tried to talk to her about it etc - it just sucked.
After church was over (1pm) we race to the car, put the kids in the back and drive silently. half way home she tells me that she wants a divorce, and for the first time actually tells me what the problem is. Her problem was that since I got laid off and started my own company I have become financially unstable and undependable. She wanted a divorce and wanted me out of her life because I made her unhappy. (here comes the 1st fuck up).
I told her "ok sure, If I make you unhappy then a divorce sounds good", being the nice guy I am (/s) I didn't want my short comings to lead to her being an emotional train wreck. I actually accepted defeat and thought to myself "I would rather see her happy away from me, than to be unhappy with me".
Turns out she was just "testing" me, and my response angered her to the point where she picked up my phone from the cradle attached to the windscreen and smashed it against the car window, breaking both my phone and the car window.
Then she started to threaten to kill herself, especially if I took the kids away from her (I said I would after she broke my phone and car window). Then she started to freak me out by pulling her hair out and screaming. Kids in the back were asleep but awoke confused to this scenario. I stopped the car and asked someone walking past to borrow me their phone, promptly called 999 and police arrived within 10 mins.
During the time I waited for the police she proceeded to break a ceramic cake stand (it is our daughters 3rd birthday tomorrow, we were preparing) against the cars dashboard, breaking that, then jumping out of the car and threatening to stab herself in her pregnant belly. I proceed to freak out once more, she breaks down and cries on the floor as police finally arrive.
As soon as they come they see her in hysterics and move to calm her down, she co-operates fully and speaks to the police, proceeds to tell them it was all my fault etc etc and how they shouldnt take the kids away from her.
I just told the police what happened minute by minute, but my kids started to cry in the back of the car and I had to go pick them up to comfort them. At this point as I was hugging them the police handcuffed my wife and lead her to a police van.
When my eldest daughter saw this she began to cry, shes 4 years old and was asking me why the police took her mummy away. It broke my heart because this entire time I tried my very best to shield them from the arguments we've been having as to not have a negative impact on their psychological well being.
She was arrested for criminal damage (phone and car) at 2pm, its been nearly 5 hours and I havent heard from her, my eldest daughter is severely distraught and I cant get her to calm down at all, shes crying on and off and has refused to eat.
TL ; DR: TIFU by being a lousy husband that unintentionally caused great unhappiness in my marriage which then lead to anger issues in my wife who had a break down in my car - then i fucked up further by calling the police who arrested her in front of my kids whom are currently not even talking to me, or eating and crying on and off.
**EDIT:** She just came back from the police station. I took the liberty of driving me and the kids to a friends house to help cheer them up. She isn't happy and has demanded me to return "at once" or she will be ringing the police for "child abduction". I had hoped this would have been a wake-up call for her, and would finally get the help she needs, but it hasn't done much other than to make it worse.
**EDIT 3:** First of all, thank you for all your responses, most of you gave amazing advice - especially regarding mental health issues. Armed with this information I was able to present a clear argument to my wife, who finally admitted to having a problem. Its 2am and it took around 2 hours after my second update, but **she has agreed to get professional help immediately**, she will be visiting the hospital tomorrow to admit herself for a voluntary psyche evaluation and I will be in contact with our GP in regards to therapy and counseling options.
A lot of people have been advising me to leave immediately, divorce etc. Although that would be suitable for most cases, I feel like it wouldn't help in this case. My wife has never had this issue this severe before. It steadily got worse over time, and her last severe episode was 6 years ago. I believe that being under so much stress it triggered this episode, which lasted give or take almost 5 days, which in turn lead to self harm / threats of suicide.
She's the love of my life, how she behaved today and the past few days is **NOT** the same woman I married or fell in love with. I couldn't just leave her without trying harder.
Also the kids are safe and well, they are sleeping over at a trusted friends house, and will most likely not be returning until my wife is at least on the road to recovery. We agreed on a trial separation, this way I can keep an eye on my wife and help her, while the kids stay at a safe distance (thanks for your concerns about that!).
**Lastish Edit:** Thank you all for your kind words of support and concern. I realise this probably wasnt a real "TIFU" on my part, but at the time it seriously seemed like it. If anything this has been a surreal experience, and I can't believe the amount of useful and helpful messages I have received. It wasn't easy convincing her to get help but I eventually showed her this thread and after 2 hours she caved and accepted to seek professional help. At this moment, everyone is safe and asleep, so I think I will be joining them too. Thank you all! Good night
**Day After Edit:** She's currently talking to a doctor as we speak, we had to go to the GP first in order to get the correct paper work for a psyche evaluation. She will be referred to a specialist and because of the nature of the incident it will be sooner rather than later. So far its all boiling down to depression + pregnancy hormones + short temper. Kids are still OK and are at nursery, I still cannot thank you guys enough for your support and some really good advice.
Scuttlebutt91: The fuck? You need a lawyer and a divorce, my mother was just like this. Don't make your kids have to live with that. It's fucked me up for a long time
slightlyamused1: If she had gotten cancer you guys wouldn't have treated her that way. People don't give people with mental disorders any slack at all and it's devastating. She needed your help and you resent her for it. It's terrible and you're the dick. My mother fucked me up really bad and eventually committed suicide because everyone in her life abandoned her. I depend on therapy and medication pretty much because of her, but I pity her, I don't hate her. Grow the fuck up.
Scuttlebutt91: The fuck does cancer have to do with any of this? If she was acting the same way with cancer, I would still say divorce her. She is not a good influence on those kids.
slightlyamused1: Yeah, that's my point. She is acting like this because she is sick. If she gets help and possibly medication she will no longer be sick. If she was sick with something else you wouldn't leave her because she's not 'acting crazy.'
ajlb29: Except that her uncontrolled mental illness is causing very real psychological harm to her husband and her children. That harm is where the line should be drawn in every situation. I applaud OP's willingness to stick by his wife, but he needs to set down hard and fast boundaries with himself about where the point of no return is. If his oldest daughter is already exhibiting signs of trauma (which he has stated in other replies), I think one line has already been crossed.
OP needs to protect himself and his children from abuse before he can even begin to help his wife tackle her mental illness.
slightlyamused1: Hasn't it been only a couple of weeks acting like this? And yes her mental illness is uncontrolled. BECAUSE SHE HASN'T RECEIVED HELP YET. I don't understand why that is so hard to wrap your head around. If she gets help it will no longer be uncontrolled.
'Just found out my wife has cancer and it's uncontrolled, better divorce her and keep her away from the kids'
ThisIsNotForYouu: OP has brought up counseling before. She's said that she didn't think she had a problem. The majority is suggesting therapy. Of course if she seeks out help that's the best course. If she doesn't, then what?
slightlyamused1: I don't know I feel like she'd be more willing to go to couple's therapy since she's not admitting that it's her problem it's for both of them.
ThisIsNotForYouu: He already suggested that. He's already been willing to admit it's for the both of them.
http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1zd2u4/tifu_by_having_my_wife_arrested_after_church_in/cfsnafz
So...yeah you really don't know. Not even enough to read the first few comments.
slightlyamused1: I read all of them.
lildutchboy7: is your reading level past the 3rd grade? Because you clearly have not understood anything you have read.
slightlyamused1: no
lildutchboy7: So it's not past the 3rd grade level?
RockDaHouse690: Daaammmmnnn!
| 15 | 126.4 | |
1393786766 | 1393819783 | t3_1zd4cx | t5_2to41 | 11 | Quanto21: TIFUpdate: 55 Gallon Coating Pictures.
Sorry about making this a new post, if it breaks the rules I'll add it to my old post.
[http://imgur.com/a/xlMiI]
knucklebone: i seen a guy drop a pallet of mayonnaise from 25' in the air. that doesn't look too bad.
Quanto21: Does it look bad? Eh not really. But the stuff dries and is thick like glue, is slick like lube, and is just shitty to deal with lol. It's definitely not the worst fuck up of this sub reddit but to me it was pretty bad.
knucklebone: However 1500# of mayo sucks with glass mixed in sucks :) esp when it required partial dis-assembly of the stacker, and several dates with a mop to get it all. Honestly it wasnt as bad as the pallet of 5 gal pails of cooking oil
Quanto21: Yeah my mess only took about 3 - 3 1/2 hours with a mop and some heavy cleaners to thin it out to actually make it mop able
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1393794431 | 1393874186 | t3_1zdh8r | t5_2to41 | 180 | BamfNinjaRaptor: TIFU by flashing my neighbors and getting dick frostbite
So today, I had nothing better to do today than sit naked and play drinking games against myself. This resulted in me being very, very drunk.. at 11 am. Being as I am when I'm drunk, I decided to take a break from watching tv and knockout a fap sess. Upon attempting to clean myself off, I find I'm out of toilet paper AND my wastebin to be full, so I take care of the latter first, and proudly tie up the old bag, put in a new one, and go to dispose of my rubbish. Unfortunately, I find my larger wastebin to be full, so I keep with my productivity and go empty the large bin into the dumpster.
Now, where I am, we have a large amount of snow, and it was very cold this morning. And its also important to note that I get fire in my blood when I'm drunk and don't notice when I'm cold.. or naked..
This resulted in me stumbling all the way from my back door, through my yard, out into my alley way, hoisting several bags of garbage, and walking back, all buck naked WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE. It wasn't until I was halfway back that I noticed my new neighbors and the old couple next door staring at me as they both returned from church.
I politely waved at them, and proceeded to fall and it wasn't until I brushed off my doughy naked body that I realized I am not wearing any clothes. This ended in me freaking out, falling several more times, and flailing into my house.
I now may have frostbite on my hands, butt, penis, and face. I can't imagine looking my neighbors in the eye. Oh, and I never cleaned up, so I had to thaw-off cum-cicles from my junk.
TL;DR: Flashed my neighbors, got frostbitten down-unders.
fredinvisible: Dude, it sounds like you have a problem.
BamfNinjaRaptor: Honestly, nothing like this has ever happened before, but I feel like you may be right...
Tufari: Think about it for a second. You were playing drinking games BY YOURSELF. You got drunk to the point that you DIDN'T REALIZE that you were naked and went outside. If you're going to drink, don't drink alone, and try to keep it to social events. If you are drinking alone, you are drinking for the wrong reasons.
As for your neighbors you can apologize and tell them that the pharmacy put someone else's pills in your bottle by mistake. (If you don't talk to them on a regular basis)
phrawst: > As for your neighbors you can apologize and tell them that the pharmacy put someone else's pills in your bottle by mistake.
I'm going to use this excuse every time I fuck up now.
| 5 | 36 | |
1393796592 | 1393825628 | t3_1zdl1b | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU by asking out my friend [17F, 17M]
I met him on a class trip to Paris, and he was part of a group of 5 that I spent most of the trip with. He goes to another high school in my city. During the trip we got drunk a few times and made out, and we'd say cute things and everything was great. When sober we were totally platonic until the last night of the trip, when we made out and I slept in his bed with him. I really like him and I saw him and the rest of our group from the trip at a birthday party last night. I wanted to ask him out then but we were never alone. Today I Facebook messages him asking if he'd like to go on a date and he saw but didn't respond. Now I'm sad and our group of 5 will likely see each other in a few weeks for a movie night so this is gonna be awkward. The group knows we were a thing on the trip and his best friend is in the group so he'll know I asked him out.
TL;DR: Rejection and awkward friendship.
EDIT: He just replied saying maybe next week after finals and the ACT. I'm not sure if that's a casual yes or a maybe to avoid saying no, but I'll take it! Thanks for all the advice everyone!
Captain_Ludd: if this is fucking up, then anyone who was ever a teenager is fucked up. its just teenage years man
spacepuppy69: I have you marked as a friend, and I don't know why. It may be because of your sexual preferences, that's usually why I friend people, but I don't knoooow.
Anywho, have a good night.
Captain_Ludd: aw man, idk what you've friended me from but i've friended you back now. i love ya man, i love ya
spacepuppy69: *tears* fuck yeah
sidrx: Beautiful. Simply beautiful.
| 6 | 3.5 | |
1393804067 | 1393806543 | t3_1zdxnx | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my crush to fuck off.
So, today i was really mad about everything (as usual) and when i'm mad i try to play video games to calm myself or listen to music but, this girl that i really like talked to me in the morning and we started joking around. Long story short she said a joke and i got so mad (because i didn't calm miself with music as i always do) that i simply said "go fuck yourself". She eleminated me from Facebook and now im listening to sad music and eating ice cream like a bitch.
TL;DR: I'm dumb, and gay, fuck girls.
(sorry for the bad englando D:)
devals: Get some help for your anger/anger management issues, or else this will be a fuck up that you repeat all throughout your life.
[deleted]: Yep, i think that's what im going to do. It will be hard, i hate when people give me orders or advice. l0l
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1393794565 | 1393815969 | t3_1zdhgm | t5_2to41 | 40 | chunk3ymonk3y: TIFU by asking a girl to be friends with benefits
**As a head's up: this story is a bit long but very well worth it in my opinion**
No throwaway, no shame. It might be important to note that we're both sophomores in high school. Also, this whole ordeal was just minutes ago.
So there's this girl I've had a giant crush on for a good amount of time. She and I had just stopped talking for a long time, just because we had no classes together. Recently, the new semester started and *guess who's in my classes again?* LUCKY ME, RIGHT?
Anyway, a couple of days ago we finally started texting again and our conversations ended up getting pretty serious. Suddenly we were just telling each other a medley of sexual things. Then, some pretty personal of things. She opened up to me and told me she had serious self-esteem and anxiety problems (neither of which I could've predicted). One thing lead to another, and I confessed my feelings. She wasn't super into it, but certainly not opposed to it. A little bit later we put our phones down and called it a night.
Fast-forward to last night. Things got equally serious in our conversations. That's when I started to notice the the anxiety and self-esteem issues being present. She started WHORING for compliments and such. Stupidly, I thought, hey this can be worked around so I asked if she would be interested in a serious relationship with me. She said no, she wouldn't be interested in a relationship with anyone at this point. I didn't tell her this, but I was a bit bummed. But whatever, right?
Now for the good part: the part where the stupid, horny teenager in me comes out. This morning I thought long and hard and realized that this was just a passing crush. BUT, I also thought, "hey this'd be a great opportunity to get laid, right?!" I picked up my phone and lied by saying "hey, about what I said last night; the reason I asked if you were interested in a relationship is that *I* wasn't either and just making sure *you* weren't." I then asked her if she was interested in a... *different kind of relationship...* After a bit of clarifying, she asked if I was asking to be friends with benefits. I replied with a casual "yeah, pretty much." She furiously responded with a "I'M 16 YEARS OLD, I DO NOT NEED OR WANT A FRIEND WITH 'BENEFITS'!" I said, "i fucked up, didn't i...? listen, if you don't want to talk for awhile, i'm totally cool with that..." She proceeded to tell me that she was panicking a bit and starting to have an anxiety attack. Goddamn it. I'm really not looking forward to seeing her in all those classes we have together now...
**TL:DR I asked a girl if she wanted to be casual fuckbuddies and gave her an axiety attack.**
EDIT: marked as NSFW just in case
StupidWes: Bro, if you try to go for something with serious anxiety and self-esteem issues, that makes you an asshole. I'd do a little moral introspection. See what you're really up to in life.
chunk3ymonk3y: I completely agree. To be fair though, I didn't go for her *because* she had those issues, that wouldve been REALLY shitty. I went for her and then she opened up to me about those issues. When I had this horrendous fuck up, she wasnt in an especially vulnerable place or anything, it was just me being a stupid, horny teenager.
StupidWes: If you went into it knowing about this, my point stands. Just because someone is doing okay at the moment, it doesn't mean they don't have issues.
chunk3ymonk3y: You're absolutely correct, it's just this wasn't me trying to take advantage of her or anything, it was me being stupid and not thinking things through.
StupidWes: If you've learned from it, then that's all anybody could ask. People with stuff going on are sort of a special case, and as a general rule I stay clear sexually, as it's far too easy to stray into bad person territory.
chunk3ymonk3y: truer words have never been spoken
| 7 | 5.714286 | |
1393809814 | 1393810352 | t3_1ze6xv | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU today be being too overeager...
I have been waiting two years to apply for an internship (that is EXTREMELY competitive) in order to get more experience and make sure that I was accepted. Haven't gotten accepted yet, but got a phone call in order to have an interview in a couple weeks. Now I may be overthinking this, but I feel like I talked WAY too much and sounded like a complete idiot to one of the people that will be interviewing me because I was so excited about even receiving an interview. I don't even remember everything I said, I just know I was repeating myself a lot and after I got off the phone I started thinking back on the conversation and felt horrible about it. This is a huge opportunity for a better future not only for me, but for my family. I really hope I didn't fuck this up and really just wanted to get this off my chest, but what do you guys think? Am I freaking out about nothing? Or is there anything I could do to fix this?
angusprune: You're freaking out over nothing.
You were caught off guard by a phone call. Any good recruiter will know this. Recruiters aren't out to trip people up, their job is to find the best candidates - judging someone unfairly because they got excited when they got good news out of the blue would make the recruiter worse at their job.
This is actually a good thing - you now know that you might babble when you're nervous and you can guard against this in the interview.
zacsquatch: Thanks for the input. I am just very nervous, excited, and anxious all at the same time. I'll just have to kill it in the interview.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1393810306 | 1394023766 | t3_1ze7s8 | t5_2to41 | 32 | JumpingJellybeanzz: TIFU by nearly running myself over
So this was the other day however I haven't had much internet downtime to post it due to uni but anyway,
So the other day i was driving to a friends and my mum wanted me to drop in some shopping bags at her work (She works at a primary school). I was kind of reluctant to go because my car is a piece of shit made in the 80's and never starts, and I have to rock the car back and forth so the flywheel catches or whatever the hell happens inside motors that makes no sense to me.
Anyway I got to the school, parked my car in the only available car parks which were conveniently (Or soon I will learn not so conveniently) on a hill so I could just smack my car into neutral and let it roll until it starts.
However I was being a fucking spastic and flooded the engine, so this car wouldn't fucking start at all.
By this time I was in the middle of the road with a stupid car that wouldn't start and peak hour mums driving in the pick their kids up from school.
I then decided to proceed in being a fucking idiot, and stupidly thought 'Maybe if I get half out of my car, I can push it back into the parking spot', not really taking into account that I'm a tiny 5'3 and barely weigh 50kg so how on earth could I possibly push this heavy ass car up this steep hill.
So i stepped out of my car, in which it then decided to take off down the hill with me still holding onto the steering wheel, dragging me across the ground, so then I let go and my car nearly fucking squashed me and then it swung around and totalled the primary school's fence.
I also broke my taillight and had to glue it back together to decrease my chances in getting pulled over by the cops and getting a fine.
Anyway this bitch of a mum then proceeded to have a fucking go at me saying 'What the fuck do you think your doing? This is a fucking primary school for gods sake' in which I would have liked to hit her over the face with a crowbar but couldn't really talk as I was a bit shaken up, and may I also add hurting because being dragged across the ground by your car isn't the nicest of experiences.
TL;DR: I thought I could push a car up a hill but instead it dragged me down.
Edit: I forgot to add this primary school was also really sensitive about car accidents as 3 days before an 11 year old that attended that school died in a car accident. Good fucking timing to be a fucking retard >___>
Insatiable_Krill_Bat: Your britishness makes this infinitely better.
JumpingJellybeanzz: But I'm not british I'm australian :c
SnooSnooCookie: As a fellow Aussie, I'm happy to see kgs instead of lbs. Sorry for your fuck up, man.
| 4 | 8 | |
1393826643 | 1393844478 | t3_1zew3o | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally admitting to my mother that I drink alcohol underaged
I am cringing so hard right now.
So I just got off the phone with my mother. She was just checking in to see how this semester at college is going. I started explaining a potential housing situation next year with about 5 other guys and myself. I will be turning 21 in the fall (drinking age in the US), so she asked me if the other guys will be over or under 21. After saying I will probably be the oldest, she went on a rant about how buying alcohol for underage use is illegal and I could go to jail if I buy it for my friends. This is where my brilliant brain took over. I explained to her that it won't be a problem, because my friends over 21 buy my alcohol for me now, so they can keep buying it for my other friends so I won't get in trouble. As soon as I said that I realized what it implied. She ignored what I said and continued on with the conversation, but I was having difficulty saying anything because I couldn't believe what I just said. Meanwhile my best friend who heard my lapse in judgement is laughing his ass off at the whole situation.
I'm sure my mother assumes that I'm not a perfect child, but that is not something we ever talk about. To make things more awkward, my dad works for the state in the department responsible for doing stings to catch underage drinking, adults buying alcohol for teens, etc. He always lectures my sister and I about the consequences for doing things like what I described. I'm expecting some kind of lecture when my parents see me next.
relppa: everybody, literally every college student ever, drinks while underage. If you're mother thinks you are the one who wouldn't, or doesn't, then she is naive
upads: Myth busted: I didn't drink alcohol during college at all. In fact, I only started alcohol 3 years after university.
You can change your statement to "everyone minus one" until someone else certifies for drinking after college, the you'll have to change your statement again.
Or you can remove the 'literally' statement, or alter it someway.
GoldenSundown: Damn dude, its an exaggeration for the sake of effect, calm ya tits.
upads: Use better vocabulary for exaggeration then. Anything but 'literally', leave that poor word alone! All it wants is to be honest and precision and you people are using him on false testaments and misdirections!
GoldenSundown: I think you're taking this a tad too seriously. You seem to be in the minority in your taking the post so *literally* and most people seem to be getting the notion that it is exaggeration.
upads: I do because I can, ha
| 7 | 3.285714 | |
1393825067 | 1393889484 | t3_1zeu38 | t5_2to41 | 19 | zchild: TIFU by warming up my car.
So it's night time and I am an assistant manager about to close the store. The weather mind you is pretty awful, freezing rain and sleet and snow. I get everything finished early but an employee is waiting for his ride home so we wait inside the store until they get there. I go out and clear off my window while I'm waiting. They arrive and I go out to get my keys out of the car because I had started the car to warm it up and defrost everything about 30 minutes prior. Well the damn door locked itself in between me clearing my window and waiting for his people.
At this point, my phone is almost dead and the store key is in my car so I can't lock the store. I call my husband who is at home with my son who is asleep and his car is not 4wd so it would be no good getting him out to get me, not to mention I have no spare key, so he calls me a locksmith. The dude is pretty short and rude on the phone and when he finally arrived he was pretty freaking unhappy that he was out in this mess. I told him I was sorry to drag him out here and he said once he got home he won't be coming back out. He gets the keys out and I pay him the $70. I get the key to the store and lock it and go back to my car and see him struggling to get out of the parking lot which is full of inclines.
I'm feeling pretty guilty once again that he is having to deal with this because of me.
Nonetheless I have to get home because I've got to be back in the morning to open the store. I try to turn on wipers and they have broken.. or something, and so I drive home squinting through frozen raindrops on my windshield. I didn't shit myself but it was a pretty crappy turn of events.
Lesson of the day, get a spare car key.
emorrow64: No reason to feel guilty for the locksmith. It's HIS JOB and he could've said no. He decided to come out and help you so that's all on him. Not like he was legally bound to do so. Fuck him, glad you made it home safe.
mask567: my exact same thoughts whilst reading this. motherfucker got paid $70 for a couple mins work. he should be happy
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1393836497 | 1393865753 | t3_1zf62f | t5_2to41 | 345 | [deleted]: TIFU by riding my bike to get wine.
Drank some wine after work, ran out, decided to ride roommates bike to the market about 2 miles away. (DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE.) Tire went flat half way there, starts raining, lost bike lock somewhere along the way, store doesn't have wine I wanted but I buy a bottle based on fancy wine man's recommendation, ride back in rain, find the bike lock (YAY!) drop phone out of pocket picking up said lock (BOO!), screen shatters.
Wine was disgusting.
Moral of the story: Don't leave your apartment.
unknownpoltroon: You can still get a dwi on a bike, be careful.
SPOSpartan104: Yep, and they take away your license. Good thing it stops you from drunkenly riding your bike....
BeerPowered: This is retarded. Drunk biking is fun.
TechnoTurtles: Not when other people's safety is a concern dude.
BeerPowered: But drunk biking is a much lesser sin than drunk driving. And drunk biking should be done at night, when there are less pedestrians to hit.
Bug_Catcher_Joey: It's not about who you hit - when you're riding erratically on the road the oncoming cars have no idea what to expect and it can lead to a really serious accident.
Imagine driving tired after work, and suddenly some jackass on a bike (usually without any lights on for a good measure) barges in front of your car. You swerve to your left trying not to kill the idiot and in the process run head first into a semi killing you and your 6yo daughter in the back seat. See the problem now?
BeerPowered: Uhm one should understand, that drunk riding on the roads isn't a good idea. I stick to bike paths or just the fields. My town is a very comfortable place for drunk riding.
| 8 | 43.125 | |
1393863384 | 1393891613 | t3_1zfxbv | t5_2to41 | 194 | Defiant_Popcorn: TIFU By leaving my Facebook open whilst relatives were over... (Probably NSFW)
So, like the title says, I left my facebook open whilst some of my relatives were over, including my shitty little spoilt cousin. Now, normally this wouldn't have been a big deal except that I let him use my laptop, a few minutes ago I got a Facebook notification from one of my female friends just titled "Wat." Now, we joke around a lot (She's a tomboy and we call each other faggot a lot) but my shit of a cousin thought it would be brilliant to message her saying "Hy Bby, thnking bout you and wanking" Now, I've explained what happened and luckily she believes me due to the appalling grammar and spelling he used but, if that had been anyone else, my social life would've been ruined.
**TL;DR: Don't leave Facebook open when relatives visit unless you want social death**
I know it isn't that much of a fuck-up but I wanted to get it off my chest.
EDIT: Took parts of your comments and did something fun. I made a new facebook account with a naked lady as the profile, I then sent him a message (His FB is open to anyone) saying "Hy Bby, had a gr8 tme lst nite, was rlly fun, do it again?" When he was downstairs and showing his mother pictures on his phone, Chaos ensued when the notification popped up.
Im_The_One: You need to slap your shit of a cousin.
Solytus: ^
Not your fuckup for trusting your relatives to not be bellends, your cousin is the fuckup here
Fall1ble: > bellends
I had to google this. I am a bit ashamed of myself.
HDThatGuy: You weren't the only one.
telepaper: Why are you ashamed of him?
| 6 | 32.333333 | |
1393871148 | 1393935807 | t3_1zgam6 | t5_2to41 | 39 | FatMatti: TIFU by grating my finger instead of the cheese
Basically my finger slipped and now my pinkie looks like shredded cheese; I don't think you need any more information than that
AttackTribble: I feel your pain. I once was slicing tomatoes using a mandolin, and sliced the end of a finger off. There was a quite amazing amount of blood.
FatMatti: Ouch bro
Yeah I was surprised with how much blood there was, soaked through a wrapped up paper towel
majorkev: So, fingers have quite a bit of capillary vessels... and they can take along time to stop bleeding.
Worse if the face though.
I once went full retard on a jobsite. I was sitting in an excavation, waiting for something, I don't remember what, but I was hitting this huge granite boulder with the back end of a claw hammer. Lo and behold, a chip flew out and nailed me in the cheek. Didn't stop for about half an hour. After ten minutes, I just let it bleed all over... who cares, it was an excavation, not a restaurant.
[Picture from that day.](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-5XSpr9rgFIE/TsaJHC2lMUI/AAAAAAAAA9I/TlSXP2bXRVk/w538-h956-no/IMAG0149.jpg)
irGoodman: You should blow your nose
majorkev: I'll get right on that... back in November 2011.
| 6 | 6.5 | |
1393872119 | 1393893639 | t3_1zgcdw | t5_2to41 | 964 | [deleted]: TIFU by whacking myself in the left nut
I am in so much pain right now. A few hours ago I was playing badminton at school. I am terrible at it so I, for some reason, decided to do this weird jump-shot in which I spread my legs and jumped up to hit the shuttlecock. In doing so, I managed to miss the shuttlecock and somehow hit myself directly in the left testicle with the edge of my racquet. I had to instantly stop playing and go for a check up in the changing room. Everything seemed fine but holy fuck it still hurts like shit 5 hours later. My poor left ball got smashed and I'm probably going to be jizzing blood for the next few days.
**TL;DR**: Tried to hit the shuttlecock, ended up hitting my own one (kind of).
---
^(Edit: Thank you to everyone who is concerned about my left ball's health. I am pretty much out of pain now and it has not turned purple so I don't think a checkup is needed.)
^(Edit 2: Tested the boys out and everything seems fine. No blood, thank goodness. Terribly sorry to disappoint you.)
segalight: It already hurts like a bitch when your hand falls of the table and hits you on the sack, can't imagine what the racket must feel like... Hope you get better soon, OP! ... Oh and demand ice cream, lots of ice cream!
ChunkPie: Put the ice cream on your testicle in order to dull the pain!
basswalk: Yes, you should definitely teabag Ben & Jerry.
kbobdc3: they would like that.
Soccadude123: Isn't that one of there best selling flavors? Tea bags
penisweed: no but cheeky monkey is
penisweed: so is cherry garcia
penisweed: and vanilla
| 9 | 107.111111 | |
1393879242 | 1393882903 | t3_1zgpdi | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting my sister pregnant
Okay /r/tifu I fucked up big time..so my sister has been living with me for 2 months since I don't have a license and I need rides to work. Today after work I decided to take a nap and was woken up by my sister crying on the phone with my mom..I didn't hear everything but I overheard my sister saying that she has missed her period and she said she thinks she might be pregnant! On the phone she told my mom she hasn't messed with any boys..she is a strong Christian and doesnt know anyone in this area so I believe it..the only possible way she could get pregnant is by me..no I didn't fuck her. We share the shower together and occasionally when I fap I wipe my load on the wash rag we have in the shower..I'll admit I don't rinse it off all the time after i jizz on it. So I'm thinking she used it to wash herself and my semen got in her that way..what the fuck do I do guys? If it is indeed my baby I really doubt she will get an abortion. Fucccccccccckk
Mamagi: Ok, I am going to answer this believing you are not trolling. Sperm cannot live long out of the human body. By the time any semen is dry the sperm s dead, true it lives longer in water. The chances of anyone getting pregnant this way are so low though. I also doubt a virgin/ celibate person would think they were pregnant for no reason, there being so many reasons for periods to be late. There is probably more to your sister's story than you think.
dirtymikey: Thank you so much.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1393878640 | 1394021052 | t3_1zgoaw | t5_2to41 | 14 | HooksFourHands: TIFU by eating old butter
Today I came back from class absolutely starving, since I hadn't had time to eat breakfast. I decided to make mac & cheese. All was well until it came time to stir in the butter. There were two sticks left--one still in the box, another one half used and wrapped up sitting next to it. I assumed my roommate had used this for cooking recently and cut a piece off and stirred it in.
I practically inhaled half of the mac and cheese before I noticed it tasted a bit off. And then I remembered that we'd had a half stick of butter laying in the fridge before we bought the new stuff because we needed more for a recipe. It was already old at that point, so we decided not to use it. We bought the new stuff about a month ago. I'd just eaten 3+ month old butter.
This was half an hour ago. Nothing to do now but wait...
zer0t3ch: As long as it's refrigerated that's not a problem.....
HooksFourHands: My roommate tends to leave stuff out all day and put it back if he remembers. He's done that with pretty much everything in the fridge.
Woot45: Butter doesn't need to be refrigerated. I have a butter dish and leave butter out for weeks and it's perfectly fine. Seriously, everyone should do this, you have nice, room-temperature, perfectly-spreadable butter at your fingertips.
SnooSnooCookie: Unrefrigerated butter is the tits, so soft and spreadable
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1393887869 | 1393901727 | t3_1zh5h7 | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by Facebook Swastikas
So I am in school. I used to have an Instagram and Facebook. Yesterday, I stupidly decided it was a good idea to talk about swastikas and to joke about 9/11. (this is really cool: 卐) Although I did not make any threat against anyone, when I went in to school today, I was called to the principal. I was promptly suspended for a week. Right now, I live with my parents and they are really unhappy understandably. **tl;dr - Don't post swastikas or joke about 9/11 on Facebook.** BTW, Do you have any advice so I can escape society and create a new identity?
Ps. I am not a neo-nazi...
[deleted]: Ok - for someone who went to school before social media as we know it, please ELIold: students can be suspended for posting subjectively offensive stuff on Facebook? Did you make any sort of implicit threat?
Also, there's something missing here - did another student or a concerned parent report you, or is the school monitoring students' pages? Don't tell me your posts are public. You didn't add principal or a teacher as a friend... DID you?
XanderAG: Some teachers have students who are their children, or children that are chatty with their parents tell them, and then the parent tell a teacher who is a friend. Essentially it's gossip spread to the school. The school doesn't have the right to monitor a students Facebook page as far as I know.
[deleted]: That makes sense. Doesn't explain a suspension, though, in view!
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1393886262 | 1393932986 | t3_1zh2mz | t5_2to41 | 26 | FunkyPunked: TIFU by reversing into my mother's car.
Last Saturday, at around 10:30pm, I was lucky enough to go out with my parents and buy a car. I was pretty excited about this, since I passed my test months ago but didn't think I'd have a car any time soon, due to lack of funding. So we bought the car, drove it home, enjoyed the freedom of traveling to places without the limitations of bus routes or walking. Everything was pretty sweet and I couldn't wait to show it to my friends at sixth form on Monday.
This morning, I fucked up. I was running late. I quickly packed my stuff, chucked it in the boot and was ready to leave in my shiny, second hand car. As I was reversing out of my awkward driveway, I was doing my best to avoid a hedge. While focusing on one side of the car, I'd completely blanked the other side and didn't see where my mum's car was parked. As I hastily reverse, I am suddenly startled by a loud "CLUNK!" Shortly followed by the sound of scraping metal against metal. Stupidly, I panic and don't stop reversing. All that I'm thinking is "FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK" as I watch my car pushing my mum's car across our gravel driveway. As this continued, the wing mirror of my car fell off, I stalled the engine and remove myself from my car, petrified.
My mum comes out of the house, screaming "What the hell was that?! Are you alright?!" She quickly realizes what has happened. She doesn't yell at me, instead she just seemed disappointed, looked up and asked me "Shit, Ben. What have you done?"
We take a moment to assess the damage. The corner of her rear bumper is completely caved in. My wing mirror is snapped off, and to top it off, I have a large dent and scratch mark all the way along the side of my car.
We taped up the mirror quickly and I arrived at school 15 minutes late... After doing a U-turn half-way because I forgot I had told my girlfriend that I'd give her a lift.
TL;DR: Bought new car. Was leaving for school, reversed into mum's car. Her rear bumper's caved in, my wing mirror fell off.
Edit: I plan to pay to repair the damage on both cars. First hers, then mine.
mask567: About 5 months ago i bought a brand new mercedes benz. salesman allowed me to take one of the showroom cars for the weekend before mine was delivered. i hadnt drove in a long time. started turning out of the parking space and pulled a bollard out the ground because i turned too early. only managed to dent the side skirts and scratch the wheels a bit. cost me about £250 in excess on the temporary insurance though. cost the insurance company about £3000. lol.
irGoodman: lol
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1393899160 | 1393945224 | t3_1zhotp | t5_2to41 | 72 | CowardAndAThief: TIFU by hastily cutting off a small hard growth on my thumb
So I play guitar a lot, like to the point that my fingers are always injured in some way. I have thick callouses, but today I noticed something different on my thumb, it didn't seem like a callous, it was just one bump and nearly pure white instead of skin-colored. I looked it up, and found out that sometimes the skin will form small painful bumps where lots of pressure constantly pushes up against it, kinda like callouses but more localized and painful. Not having time to really deal with it safely, I stupidly decided to just snip it off. Off it came, and then I saw lots of wetness underneath... I dried the area, then realized that I had just created a small hole that went pretty farm into my thumb. Great. Aaaaand now it's getting wetter, what is this stuff? Like water, pouring out a skin hole... I finally get a band-aid on it, and now my picking thumb hurts like hell, but I can't not play, so I just have to compromise and deal with it.
[deleted]: Was there any blood?
CowardAndAThief: None, just this completely clear, water-like substance.
BunnyLurksInShadow: it was probably plasma coming out.
CowardAndAThief: Woah...
Im_sick_and_tired: Sebum
| 6 | 12 | |
1393902590 | 1393910909 | t3_1zhupu | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: Today I fucked up by assuming my boyfriend wanted to get frisky when we got home from work.
VioletskiesTN: i dont quite understand why you wouldnt just wait till you started playing around...moreso when you realized your plan failed just take it out then....
86_TG: I'm curious, can you summarize the post? It's removed already.
VioletskiesTN: No surprise. This girl wanted to surprise her bf stuck in a butt plug , picked up her bf from work with intentions of going back home, he wanted to go to dinner with a friend, they did, then they wanted to play video games, they did, she couldnt hold the plug in much longer after what she ate, presumably 4-5 goes went by with this plug in her ass, and then she shot gunned it out of her ass in the bathroom and her bf and friend continue to make fun of her under the notion she had bad diarrhea. Smh.
86_TG: Ahahahaha. I wish I could upvote you more!
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1393906072 | 1394509765 | t3_1zi0bw | t5_2to41 | 53 | Sylvaram: TIFU By Not Checking My Applicant Page
New account, first TIFU post, long time lurker yada yada yada.
Well this is more of a For-the-last-few-months I Fucked Up. I'm a student applying to colleges and as those of you that have done it know, it's a pain. I've applied to quite a few colleges and started losing track of the ones I applied to.
Today I decided to check on the college applicant pages for my respective colleges and everything was fine, still waiting on results, the usual. Well, on the last college page I'm checking, I notice that the small box that says Official SAT scores received is **NOT** filled in. To put it into size context, the box is about the size of dot on the "i" on the TIFU logo. I never noticed it before because the bubble and the background are nearly the same color and I always thought it had been filled in.
To put it lightly, I flipped the fuck out. Rapidly went to check the credit card records, scores sent. Checked the score report website thing, scores sent. ONLY THE COLLEGE HASN'T GOTTEN THE SCORES THAT I SENT OVER THREE MONTHS AGO. The deadline for scores was months ago.
Considering if I resend the scores, I would only be a few months late so that's out of the question. I've just kind of accepted the fact that the college I wanted to get in to never got my SAT scores so they haven't even considered my application. Well, I guess there are other colleges but this was a pretty big FU on my part on getting into a college I wanted. I'm probably going to go cry myself to sleep tonight... :(
TL;DR: I applied for a college I liked; sent my SAT scores; misread the box that said the college received the scores; ended up not noticing for months on end; probably won't get into the college.
**UPDATE:** Apparently the college has received the scores but they didn't process them for some reason. I was told they're looking into it and I will get a response tomorrow on the full situation. Thanks for all your support!
**UPDATE 2:** I HATE APPLICATIONS! I got another email today about the scores. Apparently they received something from college board but it was not valid and are still waiting to get the correct documents. I'm not sure if this means that college board sent something wrong but I've called their regional headquarters. They now have a manager looking into it and I'll get a response in 5-7 business days. :(
**UPDATE 3:** Someone somewhere messed up. Both the college and CollegeBoard are saying that it was the other's issue but I'm for special consideration. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to make it anymore considering I missed their usual considerations but I really have no idea. Thanks for checking in on my FU though!
placid871: Call them in the morning; don't wait for an email response. It's possible there was a clerical error. Decisions come out soon, though, so it's unlikely....
Sylvaram: I have a massive fear of calling colleges, because I'm never sure which number to call and freak out during the waits. What would I even say if they ask why I took three months to notice?
placid871: You call the admissions office number listed on their website. Listen, you won't get an admissions officer, you'll just get a receptionist. They don't really pay attention to any details of your case as they get hundreds of phone calls like yours. It's your future in question, and I suggest you take life by the horns.
Sylvaram: Alright, I'll give them a call the first chance I get tomorrow. Thanks for the advice!
placid871: 1. When you talk to the receptionist, ask her to check your file if possible to see if the SAT scores are there. They might have received them but did not have a chance to update this. Don't give up!
2. If they didn't receive them, contact the college board to see what's up.
Sylvaram: Hopefully it is just some computer error or something that doesn't affect me overall. If not, I'll have to ask college board and they take forever to get anything done.
placid871: What happened?
Sylvaram: Unfortunately I couldn't make time to call them before their office closed (school work and stuff). I will make sure to call them tomorrow. Thanks for checking back though!
koenm: Do it man.
Sylvaram: I've updated what happened in the description.
placid871: It's good to hear that they received them, just make sure they've reviewed your application. If I may ask, what is the approximate rank of the school?
Sylvaram: It is a top 100 school in the US. I've updated the top again. The official response from them was that the documents they received were not valid which is why they were not processed. College Board is now looking into my issue. *sigh*
placid871: So they didn't review your app? I'm sorry to hear that, but I'm sure there are other schools you will get into. At this point, I would just give up on this particular school. They have looked at thousands of applicants, and it's unlikely with decisions coming out soon. :(
Sylvaram: I received another response. Either the college messed up processing my stuff or Collegeboard messed up sending it. Both are blaming each other but now they told me they will put me up for special consideration. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to make it anymore considering I missed their usual considerations but I really have no idea. Thanks for the support though!
placid871: If you are passionate about this school, go to the admissions office and/or schedule an appointment with someone there just to *briefly* discuss your case, and why they should "specially" consider your case. Remember, they have most of the graduating class in their bag, you have to prove your worth.
Sylvaram: It isn't my absolute top school but I would like to get in. The only problem is it isn't very close (more like a few states away) so I can't really just go to their office. I'm consistently emailing the one official though, so I guess that sort of helps.
| 17 | 3.117647 | |
1393910543 | 1393957722 | t3_1zi72a | t5_2to41 | 25 | Goononthemoon: TIFU by drinking too much water at the gym.
I didn't really feel anything during the workout, but it didn't take me long to start feeling like an overfilled water balloon as I biked back to my dorms.
Managed to make it all the way across the quiet, 99% empty campus and back to the well-populated dorms before I puked like a firehose, in plain view of at least half a dozen people. One poor bastard was no more than four feet from the patch of bushes I had chosen to water. I do deeply apologize for that, I know one half-hearted sorry in between hurls can't really cover it.
Now my throat burns with a mix of stomach acid and shame. Learned my lesson the hard way.
uranegg: Thought this was going to be you riding your bike through a crowd of people while pissing yourself.
Majestic
Isak922: A face full of Glee as he did so. Like the joy of a child's first Christmas.
Majestic.
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1393919236 | 1393953529 | t3_1zih6m | t5_2to41 | 47 | RosaHosa: TIFU by switching from a pad to a tampon. (NSFW-ish)
This just happened a few hours ago.
It's the evening, and I'm on the rag. And oh shit, I got a fucking stain as usual.
My menstrual cycle is generally heavy, so I wasn't so surprised that I got a stain just from laying down in bed. I was wearing a sanitary napkin (pad) at this time and I thought to myself, fuck it it's tampon time! Time to end Niagara Falls.
So I got up to insert a tampon and I hear a *splat* on my floor as I was inserting it. I didn't think much of it for a second until I looked at my right hand at how bloody it was. I turn around and I see this mess on my floor. I couldn't touch anything or else I would stain that too because of my bloody hand. It looked like I stuffed my hand inside a carcass with all the tissues and stuff. Keep in mind that this is my own bedroom, not the bathroom sadly.
TL;DR My vagina let itself go at the wrong time.
Edit: Picture http://i.imgur.com/eZ6oG0P.jpg
For some of you it's probably not so serious but it's still disgusting to me..
poohspiglet: I'm thinking about starting a sub called "dirty woman problems". Did you take a photo of the mess? No? We'll settle for a selfie then.
Honest to God though, as a woman, never trust a vagina and period blood. It only gets worse until it finally stops, then the hormones kick your ass. Learn young ladies. Learn. Don't you have a dog that could have licked up that mess off the floor and your fingers? What are best friends for?
I guess these posts are no different from the today I shat myself things, but they still make me facepalm. Maybe we need a period blood counter.
RosaHosa: That would actually be a great idea.
poohspiglet: Which idea?
The new sub, the dog, or the period blood counter?
ichsagedir: All together?
poohspiglet: I like you.
In reality though, dogs and used tampons are never a good mix.
| 6 | 7.833333 | |
1393947054 | 1394532994 | t3_1zj9kj | t5_2to41 | 1,212 | yopeasants: TIFU by showering myself in dog shit
Every morning I walk my 2 dogs, one of which is on a retractable leash and the other on a conventional leash. This often leads to some tangling, forcing me to do a twirl in order to separate the 2 leashes.
So this morning, I was walking them both when one of them decides to take a dump on the sidewalk. I thought to myself, no big deal, and picked it up with a grocery bag and started walking again with the bag hanging on my wrist.
A little while later, another person walking their dog comes trotting down the sidewalk. This causes my dogs to go on a rampage, pulling and running to get at the other dog.
During this brouhaha, the two managed to get extremely tangled. After the other dog continued on its way, I began to do my standard twirling to untangle the 2. However, in all the confusion, I had forgotten about the chocolate surprise hanging from my wrist, and it hit me square in the face.
To make matters even worse, this grocery bag wasn't the most durable kind out there, and the bag split, covering me in a warm coat of canine feces, leaving me to walk all the way back home covered in it.
tomutwit: Why do so many posts on this sub end up with people having faeces in their face?
CouchPotatoFamine: r/fecesonface
ga129: /r/fecesonface *FTFY*
CouchPotatoFamine: TY. Didn't know how to make it a link from my phone. Now, to see if it is a real subreddit...
marioshroomingston: As long as you put /r/ before the sub it will link it for you.
CouchPotatoFamine: Aww, dang, that's all there is to it? Thanks!
EDIT: Surprised and relieved this is not a real sub.
SnooSnooCookie: Don't worry, just go to /r/realscatgirls, you'll see poop on face quite often, I assume.
13segruts: I went there....and there's one girl who posts **a lot**.
SnooSnooCookie: Secretlover I think her name is? Yep she does. I don't know why I knos that
^^^^^^^^^shehasherownsubreddit
| 10 | 121.2 | |
1393952639 | 1394077678 | t3_1zjjhv | t5_2to41 | 59 | deathbyblackhole: TIFU by dropping a lighter into sidewalk grate
Smokers can relate, sometimes you accidentally pocket a lighter that you borrowed from a friend. Usually it's not a big deal because lighters come and go.
A few weeks back I pocketed a lighter from a friend who was insistent that he wanted it back. I carried it around with me on the chance that we'd hang out together soon.
This morning I stood on top of a grate and went to light my cigarette with my friend's lighter because I misplaced mine earlier and PLOP, down it goes 3 feet, into mucky snow water.
I shrug it off because it's just a lighter, right?
I text my friend "RIP, lighter".
He texts back "That was the last trinket I had from Mary before she passed..."
My initial text "RIP" made me cringe real bad, and now I feel like a major asshole.
Silverlight42: Just a lighter?
i'd be upset if someone lost [my lighter](http://www.ebay.com/itm/Zippo-Solid-Titanium-E-2001-/151197280456?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item23340f68c8) too.
shitass70: Dude.... Why'd you spend so much money on a Zippo?..... Book of matches/BIC didn't suffice?.....
Inostroza: thats like saying why buying a ferrari when a toyota would suffice. some people like luxurious things
shitass70: That's true. I didn't think about that lol....
| 5 | 11.8 | |
1393955209 | 1394043739 | t3_1zjocc | t5_2to41 | 137 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving my drawings out...
These aren't just any drawings, they are mostly hentai I've done over the past 3 years or so. I have always had them in a specific hiding place, but today I decided I'd just move the folder they were in to where I keep the rest of my drawings because I was pretty sure by now my grandmother (I'm 17 and live with her) wouldn't really care to go in there.
Evidently I got distracted while I was moving it from place to place and the folder was left out in the open, you couldn't see what was in it though. My grandmother came in and we chatted for a bit and she decided to take down my food tray for my because I was doing my homework (she's really sweet like that) but the one place, in all of my room, I decide to leave my folder of porn, was on the food tray.
My mema comes back in my room with something in her hand and I immediately see my stark white [folder.](http://i.imgur.com/IaLG69W.gif)
The first thing she says is that she is very disappointed in me that I would waste my talent on drawing things like this and she tells me how disgusting it is. She says "it's obvious you see this stuff on your computer that you're always on too" I say something like "I mean... most teenagers look at porn sometimes, mema" but she is convinced I am obsessed with porn now. I told her I wasn't but now I just feel really embarrassed and I hate that now when my mema looks at me she'll think of all the porn I drew... eugh...
Since some people have asked here they [are.](http://imgur.com/a/PHWN2) They're pretty close to being in order of when I did them, not all of them were ever finished.
LavisCannon: Wow this is the first TIFU that I can relate to. A long time ago when I was a kid I use to draw hentai too. LOTS of hentai. I was pretty good at it too, friends often make requests that I did for free initially but started charging after realizing people actually would pay for this stuff. I kept a portfolio of my work under my desk because my mom had never gone through my stuff until she started going through menopause as well as hormone therapy (due to ovarian cancer surgery). Needless to say when she found it she was pretty pissed and sat me down for a talk. I was actually really surprised at what she had to say which was something along the lines of this:
>"I am perfectly fine with you drawing these things because it's just another outlet for you as an artist and a boy, but I do not condone you selling such things. That's no different than pimping or prostitution."
I thought about that for a bit and realized that she was right. I always knew what people were using my drawings for, but it never bothered me until she pointed it out so I stopped selling them. I still did requests for fun (especially for the fan girls), which felt alright to me because hey, if sex with friends is alright so was this.
As someone who has experienced the same things, here is some guidance to the situation. You are going through a developmental stage in your life and exploring many aspects of what it is to be human. Sexuality is a very strong part of it that you are figuring out your own so first of all let her know that what you need is guidance (best from a male figure), not shame. These drawings are merely your expressions. They are your interpretation and your attempt to explore parts of life, so you need constructive advice, not blatant shaming.
I understand that as a mother she probably needs some time to get over the initial shock, so be understanding of her feelings when confronting her.
Last bit of advice that would have helped me out as a kid is a small lesson in art history. Many of the greatest works of art that we praise were illustrations used for porn or purely for the sake of drawing nude figures. One of the greatest paintings *The Venus of Urbino* was a painting of a whore from Venice. See back then, it was only legal to do nude paintings and sculptures of mythical creatures so the artist Titian named it "Venus." Would you consider one of the most famous paintings in history by one of the greatest Italian painters "a waste" simply because he painted a naked whore he liked to fuck? No. It was his experience and he wanted to explore and reflect on his life. That is you now; you are using your skills and talents to explore all aspects of your life, and should be allowed to develop freely. One caveat, you should try exploring it constructively and understand why you yourself drew these. If you truly are starting to become addicted to porn, figure out how destructive it is to your life. A healthy life comes in doses so understand your own limits.
SnooSnooCookie: Did these people not know they can get porn on the internet?
LavisCannon: Like I said this was a long time ago, back when Internet porn wasn't too available.
Also, even now some people just like getting physical works.
| 4 | 34.25 | |
1393959783 | 1393961756 | t3_1zjx7e | t5_2to41 | 42 | PantsShitter60: TIFU by shitting my pants as I was driving down the highway on the way to a youth basketball game
So this happened to my dad last night not me, however the story is too good not to tell. I will be telling this story from his perspective:
Hi reddit. I am a 53 year old father of three and a youth basketball coach; today I shit my pants.
I coach 6th grade basketball and I had a game to coach about 45 minutes away from my office. When I first got in the car I felt completely fine. After about 30 minutes it all hit me at once. I felt like I needed to fart and was about to give it a shot, but better judgement took over. I have sharted before and I knew that any attempt to squeeze out some gas would have resulted in an explosion. At this point I was running through my options. My aunts house was on the way to the gym I was coaching at. Maybe I could take a short detour and pray that she was home and run in and shit. This was my game plan for about a minute until it happened.
My route lead me to the highway, as I was merging in to the left lane I hit a bump and all hell broke lose. Without any real warning (obviously I knew I had to shit bad) there was an explosion. The situation escalated from an inconvenience and a small problem to a major ordeal. There was shit just absolutely everywhere. My underwear and pants were completely ruined at this point and there was shit running down my legs. Now comes the smell, oh god it was atrocious. I want to vomit just thinking about it.
At this point I'm pretty fucked. I have a basketball game to coach, I'm in a car that's covered in my shit, and my clothes are covered in shit. First things first, I need to get off the highway and assess the situation. I get off the next exit, pull onto a side street and immediately strip down and take my foul underwear and pants off. Luckily, in my basketball bag I happened to have a really lose fitting pair of gym shorts. So after taking my undershirt off to wipe my ass and midsection in general off, I put on the gym shorts.
Now I can't show up to the gym in these shorts. Although I wiped myself down with my shirt, I still have some shit on these new shorts and I don't have any underwear which means that my junk is flopping around which would have been wildly inappropriate for a youth basketball game. The first stroke of good luck then occurred when I realized there was a Kohl's right by where I pulled off the highway.
I enter Kohl's looking like a homeless person. I still have some traces of shit on the end of my sleeves and on my shorts, plus I can't imagine I smelled too good. I buy a new shirt, pants, and underwear and immediately change into them. Of course, the underwear in the 'large' bin was mislabeled and was actually a small, so i had to go back in and replace the already opened (but not yet worn) underwear. The clerk must have been like, "Why the fuck is this guy putting on the underwear he buys immediately?"
Now that the situation is somewhat in order I arrive at the gym a few minutes late wearing only the shorts, underwear, and shirt I purchased at Kohl's 15 minutes prior. Of course one of my athletes says, "Mr. PantsShitter60, why are you wearing shorts when it's 15 degrees out?" Then one of the mom's came up to me and said, "You didn't ... (moment of silent realization and look of horror) ... did you?" At this point I just laughed and nodded my head, I mean what else am I supposed to say.
I "didn't want to be disgusting" so I didn't throw my shit covered clothes in the street when I pulled over. So I held onto them until I got home where I could properly dispose of them. As a result, the clothes sat in my car for the whole basketball game and ride home. Needless to say, I think I totaled my car with my asshole.
So that's the story my dad told me last night when I got home. I guess I still love him....
TL;DR: WTF DAD?!?!?
P.S. When I woke up to go to work this morning my dad's car was sitting in the street with all the windows open. Made me laugh all over again.
ElizaberryLoL: Please tell me your father was as descriptive of the runny remorse escaping his cheeks as you were.
PantsShitter60: My dad is a pretty funny guy. I really didn't embellish any of this. he told me the story and I typed it out here exactly how I remember it.
| 3 | 14 | |
1393954973 | 1396259957 | t3_1zjnvo | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU by wasting my job.
So, I found a personal teacher job for a twelfth grade. Yesterday I've been to an association I'm being apart of as a volunteer. There was alcohol, I drank but I wasn't really drunk. It ended at midnight (approximately). We decided to go to a bar. At 2am we left, I went home. Drunk a little.
At this point of the story I must explain that I have sleeping trouble and that I am often sleeping under medication. The class is a 9am, I have to wake up at 8, it is approximately 3am, I decide not to take my pills because just one makes sleep for at least 6 hours. I can't sleep. I spend the whole night stressing and everything. At 8am I decide to call the mother to explain that I won't be able to give my class. She tells me that the whole thing is over because of this. I try to fight it, tell her that even if I'm in a bad shape I will do the class and she tells me no. No way she changes her mind.
The fact is I'm loosing a lot of classes that were well paid which is a shame because I fucking need the money. Otherwise I spend a lot of time telling my friends how cool it is to do this job and I lose it. Also I'm used to lose my jobs, I'm always fucking up, the only thing I didn't screwed is school. And I could be screwing it up.
Yesterday I knew that I should be going home at midnight, but I decided not.
I feel bad and ashamed.
Shanguerrilla: Is.. is it weird I was less appalled by the drinking than the the spelling, grammar, and sentence structure of a potential 12th grade teacher?
I can understand alcohol problems very well, so please tell me you were drunk when you typed this as well.
[deleted]: Should I really answer this?
I don't want to be as arrogant as you but I don't want neither to answer such a pointless comment. What would you do in my position?
Shanguerrilla: Am I you or me while in your position during this hypothetical?
If I were me in your position I would smoke a bowl and half-purposely belittle a post's OP with my misplaced arrogance as you pointed out (sorry about that, I shouldn't have been so mean).
If I am you in that hypothetical, I suspect I may feel a bit affronted at the rudeness and pose a hypothetical question.
I'm sorry bud, I was just cruising through the sub and am one to get a bit bugged by grammar- found it odd to be so prevalent in a post about teaching 12th grade. Lord knows I have taken in my fair share of substances and typed-O's as much as the next guy! I'm sorry friend, hope things work out for you!
(Sometimes I speak a bit more freely in TIFU, as people generally post here when they know they screwed up.. stuff can certainly feel more cutting in this sub when taken outside that context... BUT no excuse to hurt your feelings and I was meaner than I usually am. I apologize and wish you good will stranger on the internet.)
[deleted]: English is not my first language. I must admit some typos, or whatever you called them but come, it's nothing. The problem to me is that you were willing to criticize, you would have find anything else I guess. Or may be I'm telling this to myself in order not to feel bad concerning my mediocrity. I would have answered better but I have to go.
Shanguerrilla: So.. I had already apologized to you. Now you tell me you are ESL, even more impressive. Have a double apology.
Lets look back through this whole exchange. I see a guy who said he was going to teach 12th grade. Quite a bit of bad grammar (good for ESL), and EVERY post here is calling you stupid or implying relations to being alcoholic. I thought it would be more fun to post about the grammar than the more cutting topics others had. I will leave you with a final apology as I did not wish to hurt your feelings friend, but please understand posting a TIFU in an autobiographical manner is likely to invoke discussion about you.
On the topic of what your response shows- Get your chin up, man! Why the hell are you moping around and convincing yourself that you are worthless or mediocre? You aren't worthless and screwing up does not mean 'you are' a scew-up. You may need to reevaluate some of your priorities, but making periodic self-assessments of ourselves and our lives is often necessary, as well as taking steps to change things. There was a short period of time I didn't have a place to live, does that mean thenceforth- whoever I am, deep inside I am good for nothing or homeless?
I promise that I, and like at least half a dozen people on this subreddit have made mistakes before in our pasts (maybe a couple of us together and we don't even know).
You aren't any more mediocre than you make yourself at the moment. Move on with your life and cut the fat if you are really dissatisfied.
[deleted]: Fine. Still have some thoughts about it but whatever. And you are right, I should not get depressed on whatever bullshit I do. I just have to go back to the fight.
Shanguerrilla: Understandable, but it is up to you to be the man you want to be- and there is literally nothing stopping you! Being who we want isn't an occupation it is a personality, moral code, and priority system we make decisions from.
I've made mistakes with alcohol in the past, I've also made large serious accidents and legal mistakes that posed long periods of time without freedom. I have done dumb things. Maybe I can't say TIFU, but there have been many days IFU. Some were nearly inspiring of suicide. Particularly when I was facing a decade of jail for felony charges of having a joint on me my second time... But what worked for me was to realize that I wasn't my mistakes or my accomplishments. I am this moment and pure potential. I proved to myself I was stronger than the obstacles I faced and soon I lasted longer than the problems did. Things are great in my life now. I won't give a diatribe on it. I just wanted to say that however shitty things can seem when we fuck up, if we think we are worthless or hopeless- the thing that needs to be changed absolutely first is our mindset and focus.
[deleted]: http://www.reddit.com/r/confession/comments/21rght/small_confession/
This is bad english!
Shanguerrilla: Yup. You really do well, even more compared to many native English speakers.
[deleted]: I know.
| 11 | 2 | |
1393980852 | 1394106273 | t3_1zkzak | t5_2to41 | 69 | EnderWyatt: TIFU by expressing my feelings
So, I've been hanging out with talking to this girl in my class for a long time now, and we've become very close friends. She constantly finds ways to touch me, or reasons to smother me with "friendly" affection (hugs, cooing when I'm sick, etc.). For instance, during my cooking class, she always sits next to me. When it comes the time to prepare the dish as a class, she sees an idiot in my class doing something gross, and buries her face in my chest and wraps her arms around my waist. Now, the most natural thing to do would be to step it up, right? Wrong.
So, last night I'm texting this girl (let's call her Jane, to protect identites and such) and we're just cracking jokes, talking about life, bordering on casual bf/gf style conversation. And I bring it up. I say "Hey Jane, can I just say something? I honestly love you to pieces." Immediately after, i threw my phone across the room, onto my desk and cowered under my pillow, until I heard that dreaded buzz. I was expecting one of two things to happen. Scenario 1) "OMG, I was thinking that you'd never say it! I love you too!", and; Scenario 2) "...oh...Look, you're sweet and all, but I'm currently in a relationship, but I hope we can stay friends, and maybe we can try again someday?".
Here's the response I got: "Yea, I just got out of a really bad relationship, so I'm not ready. Bye." (sic). I then proceeded to weep quietly into my pillow until my phone buzzed again. My heart instantly leaped from my heels to my throat as I checked the sender. It was Jane's/My (I say "My" because I was kind of inducted into the group of friends) friend "Amber". Amber had sent me a HUGE text (like, the- newest-royal-decree-written-on-a-seventeen-mile-long-scroll-type-deal) about how Jane didn't understand love, and that she wasn't as mature as me, and essentially telling me that I should give up, and that she was offended that I tried to have the slimmest chance of having someone to love.
So, lesson learned. Big shout-out to Amber for helping me force my decision to become a hermit and never talk to any woman ever again.
upads: That Amber spoke as if SHE understands love as a fellow teenager. If she hadn't been in a fifty years relationship, she can shut the duck up. If there is any duck up, you GIVING UP is the real duck up.
Plus if you are the more mature person there is even MORE reason for you to take charge of the relationship and help her move on.
Love is wonderful, now shut the duck up and get going to the nearest flower shop!
fabulous_frolicker: Mobile user using swype? I feel your ducking pain.
upads: This is not directed towards you or anyone but: fuck fuck shit cunt damNnnnnnnnnnnn mother fucker!
I think I have proven my point and told the world that I'm an ass.
P.S. What the heck is a Skype?
fabulous_frolicker: Skype is a video/voice chat software often used by teenager to Jack off with each other.
zachochee: I use skype to stay in touch with my father that lives in Singapore.
fabulous_frolicker: Is your father a teenager?
zachochee: He is 65 in april...
TopNot: Exactly.
| 9 | 7.666667 | |
1393989150 | 1393989690 | t3_1zld2q | t5_2to41 | 12 | _Spider: TIFU by taking a shit.
So I usually try to go every morning so once my day is done, I get home, and go again. No public restrooms necessary.
But, you know, I was in a rush this morning, so I didn't get my chance to go. There's some serious build-up by the end of the day. But, you know, I make it home. I get to the crappot.
And then I go. I'm not sure how long I was in there -- time doesn't really flow at the same rate in my bathroom. All I know is that no one else was home but me. I know this because when I flushed, there was no one to cry to. When I flushed, it didn't flush. There was water nearing the rim. But I'm daring, I thought it would break through if I flushed once more, and if it didn't, I could somehow stop it.
Well, I couldn't. Fortunately, shit didn't flow out. Fortunately, the shit was fairly solid so the water wasn't shit water. Unfortunately, it was still water from the shitter, though, and that's fuckin' gross.
But I'm a big boy. I grabbed an old towel and sponged up that shit-free shit water, like a champ.
I needed to wash my hands now.
So I did. And then I realized, "I'm barefoot, so I should watch my feet, too." And I stepped in the tub, and I washed my feet -- nearly slipping in the process because soapy foot on porcelain (or whatever it's made of) equals slipperiness.
I should tell you that the bathroom is small. Between the door and the bathtub is the toilet, and the floor area was just covered in disgusting water that I didn't want to step in.
So, I stepped on the edge of the tub, and used my two semesters worth of physics to calculate my trajectory and distance vs power.
I took a leap, and landed just at the rim of the overflow, but the floor was still slightly wet. So I slid.
I slid hard, and I fell on my ass, like a champ.
At the same time, my knee put a crater in the closed bathroom door upon which it impacted.
Like a champ.
John_the_Piper: Sounds like a ..... Shitty day
_Spider: I also probably failed an exam this morning.
That's why I had to rush to leave the house.
Shitty day indeed, sir.
| 3 | 4 | |
1393976139 | 1394000882 | t3_1zkr7e | t5_2to41 | 30 | Babba2theLabba: TIFU by vomiting on a bus.
I regret not submitting this earlier, because it is actually a "2 months ago I fucked up" story. It is still worth telling, though.
I had caught a cold two days before the incident. Probably from some well-placed sneeze or uncovered cough. Fast-forward a bit, and I get out of bed on the day of the incident with a runny nose. It only got worse, and I felt very drained come lunchtime. Anyhow, after school that day, I was at the bus stop just outside the campus, feeling very miserable. I felt like I wanted to throw up. I neatly paced at a steady rate in a 3-foot diameter circle so as to fend off intrusive thoughts of spewing my lunch in front of my classmates. It was terrible.
The bus soon came, and I rushed to the shelter of its air-conditioning. It was a humid day in January here in Hawaii. As I sat down in the artificially-cooled air, I felt a sense of relief. My lunch seemed to settle a bit.
*lurch*
Uh oh. I did not think this through. Roads in Hawaii are infamous for their potholes, and the bus went bumpity-bump over them as it meandered along the road to my house. I did not throw up. Yet. But it was definitely worse than just pacing sickly around the bus stop bench. But was it better than walking for 45 minutes to my house? All these questions rose to the front of my mind, but they were all quickly skimmed away by the continuous rumble of the bus along the asphalt.
*"If there is a god, please help me now."*
The bus was halfway to my house when it made the first major turn of its route. I still did not throw up, though I felt something acrid rising in the back of my throat. I was in a horrid state. I can't imagine or don't want to imagine what I must have looked like.
The bus continued along this road for a while, until it stopped VERY abruptly in the middle of an intersection. What. Still (with meager success) holding back the contents of my stomach, I peer out the left-side window to see police officers. Other cars have stopped dead in their tracks as well. The bus driver leaves the bus, and converses for a minute with one officer. I also see an ambulance with the lights up, as well as several police cars out the front of the bus. The bus driver gets back in the bus, and says something to the passengers.
This is a good time to mention I'm deaf. I try to puzzle out what has happened, to no avail. Eventually, I reluctantly leave my seat and go to ask one of the classmates in my class what has happened. She knows I'm deaf (I'm mainstreamed into a normal public school) and I read the note that she begins to scribble out.
Just my luck. There is an unidentified, unexplained package just sitting in the center of the intersection, and no one knows what it is. The bus needs to turn around and travel on a slightly modified route. Conjuring and promptly dispelling thoughts of vomiting right now in the seat next to my classmate. I make my way back to my seat. At this point my stomach feels like it's been tied into a Gordian knot, and there sure isn't any Alexander the Great to come and cut it for me.
*"Wait...'turn around?'"*
I have only a short amount of time to discover the implications of this statement as I see cars backing up and turning around, leaving the area around the bus empty. Rain starts to fall out of nowhere, morphing from a drizzle into a torrent in thirty seconds flat. I see an officer out of the corner of my eye giving directions to the bus driver.
The bus moves backwards. I feel a slight nudge as the back end seems to raise up about half a foot in the air, and then plunk back down.
The result of this maneuver shakes my entire body from head to toe. We've driven over the grass-filled divider in the middle of the road, and into the opposite lane. The bus continues to back up, and we hit the curb on the other side of the street. We're exactly perpendicular with the street now, and our front and back ends are inches from bumping into a long line of fencing and a McDonalds drive-thru sign, respectively. It STILL is not enough to make me throw up, but I am pretty damn close to the edge at this point. I can either choose to throw up on the floor of the bus or in a resealable container. It's my choice, and I need to make it fast as I fear I won't last through the turnaround, what with all the stopping and starting involved.
I rummage through my bag. No, I don't fucking choose to throw up in my bag. That's ridiculous. Hmm. Pencil case? No, it'll leak. Homework pouch? No, too shallow. And that's all the resealable containers I currently posses.
We have been trying to turn around for 5 minutes now. We are pushing the fence back a bit with the front end of the bus, but nothing is broken. Meanwhile, the suspicious packages still sits in the road, mocking us all. Something changes in my demeanor, and I start to pant though my mouth.
*"Do or die, Bab. Do or die."*
I reach over and pat an older man sitting just to the left of me. He turns to me, and I explain my situation.
*"I feel pretty sick. I came down with the flu a few days ago, it seems, and this bus is making me want to throw up. Do you have a plastic bag in case that happens?"*
The older man looks at me blankly for a second, then nods and says something to me, that I don't hear, obviously. He rummages through his fanny pack and pulls out a white plastic bag and offers it to me. This man has essentially saved my public reputation. I bow slightly from my sitting position and take the bag. And now I need...some sort of cracker, some sort of candy to prevent me from dry heaving over and over again as I taste my stomach acid. So I look to the right, and I tap the shoulder of a woman in the row behind me.
*"Do you by any chance...have some sort of mint? Or Icebreakers package? I feel terribly sick, and I think I might throw up. This bus isn't helping."*
She looks almost shocked by my intrusion into her daily routine, but eventually takes out a sealed peppermint lifesaver from her bag. Boy, am I getting lucky. I thank her profusely and wait for the inevitable.
It happens very fast. There's a bump, then I keel over, then I retch into the plastic bag. I feel a hand on my back, which I quickly identify to be the older man. I motion to him that I'm okay, wipe my mouth with the inside of the bag and a spare tissue I have and pop the candy into my mouth. I tie off the bag, making sure no smell permeates the knot. A minute later, the bus is successfully turned around. We all clap, including me, because I also feel a billion times better. W also didn't break anything either! YAY!
When I get to the second to the last stop to my house, I stand up to ring the stop bell. And when I do get off, I thank the man and woman who helped me, and disembark.
But this isn't the end. Far from it. This is where the TIFU really starts. Because as I depart with my possessions, I realize that something is missing.
I left the fucking vomit baggie in the bus.
*An asshole. Ungrateful little shit. A fucking bitch. A cunt. A stupid motherfucking shithead.*
I cringe at the thought of the man disposing of the bag whilst cursing the aforementioned phrases under his breath.
I just made myself look like a complete asshole to 2 random strangers. This will haunt me for a long time, especially whenever I ride the bus. If I ever see them again, I wouldn't know what I'd do. Maybe they forgot all about it, maybe they didn't. And I'll never be able to apologize in a way that isn't awkward because of this fact. I probably never will. Fate, anyway, isn't even so kind. I'll probably never see them again.
I'll just be the fucking kid who threw up in the fucking bus and didn't even take his regurgitated lunch away with him. Fuck fuck fuck.
Dvjex: They obviously knew you were distressed and felt poor. They probably understood.
whatisgoingon1026: I wouldn't beat yourself up over it. Maybe........ if you do see them again, look for their reaction when you make eye contact. Their face and body language should tell you if they remember or not. Maybe apologize if they look disgusted, and if they don't bat an eye, forget about it.
| 3 | 10 | |
1394007123 | 1394076895 | t3_1zm0kd | t5_2to41 | 106 | throwaway25502550: TIFU by going to a party
So a few weeks ago i got invited to a party. It was from an 18 year old girl that i have had a crush on for the past few years now (I'm 17) and her friend who i have never met. Now I'm no idiot and I know there's going to be drinking and hookups and that's not really my thing but my friend (who is also going) forced me to go.
We arrive and there are people everywhere drinking, smoking, hooking up you name it. I immediately want to go home since i am completely out of my comfort zone. My friend rocks up at the door with her other friend and we get welcomed in. We almost get beers shoved down our throats left right and center. I have never gotten drunk before but i did get quite tipsy in this instance.
Me being drunk enough to talk to the girl i liked, i decide to talk to her friend about where she is. This then stems off into a full on conversation with her. It then leads to the point where she asks "Have you ever made out with a girl". I should probably mention i have never done anything with a girl. I am a strict believer about only doing things with people you have feelings for, even though i have been told i have a certain way with girls.
Next thing i know is that this girl is making out with me hardcore, and to top it off, hand down my pants and all. She then asks if we should go get a room. I'm completely mind blown about what has happened. In the span of about 20 minutes i am not only getting my first kiss, but loosing my virginity.
We find a random room and she gets naked. I can tell you right there all my values when out the window. I was definitely not her first and she was full prepared with condom and all. Next thing we know i became a man.
Now this is where it goes pear shaped. I am at around the 15 minute mark and feel like i cant hold it any longer. I am going it doggy style and am about 10 seconds away. Next thing i know is the door gets opened and the girl i like is looking at me fucking her best friend. Me being typsy and wanting to finish i continue going on for the remainder of the 10 seconds, with the girl i like looking at us both. What followed was her screaming "GET THE FUCK OUT!" and me needing to leave with my friend.
Apparently the girl i liked went to my friend and he told her where i was. She wanted to see me since she 'had' a crush on me as well. I say had because she hasn't spoken to me since.
It is, and will forever be, one of the best and worst days of my life
TL;DR - The only time a girl will ever say i lasted too long
Edit: Adding a few words
DkorpiBSME: You mean your friend went to the girl you liked and told her where YOU were. Dang man that sucks, but I can tell you that a year or two will go by and you'll forget all those people and probably what happened that day too. I had all kinds of crazy stuff like this happen when I was younger (your age), but now I'm about 8 years older and all those friends and memories pretty much disappeared. I wouldn't worry about it too much man.
gurgaue: This is the biggest thing that should bring you comfort, in no time at all, you will have forgotten about the girl because theres a new girl you are fond of.
DkorpiBSME: I agree. You'll probably be able to recall the memory and think about it, but it won't be important to you. I can say this because things like this happened when I was young and I have OCD to the point where I worry about the dumbest little things (what people think, what people think of me, and how situations that I was in turned out and if it was because of me) and that being said, even with that predisposition to think about the past like that, I don't even think about the girls that were in my past. No matter what the situation was. Time has a weird way of making you focus on new things and forget the old.
Edit: I'm only speaking for myself and other people might have different experiences and opinions on that property.
| 4 | 26.5 | |
1393983494 | 1394155738 | t3_1zl3nf | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU by texting an acquaintance the thought of our mutual friend's recent death made my mouth water
A little background, I'm a film student at a university. It's a small (less than fifty students each year) program in a school of about 13,000. So as far as film students go, we all know, or are at the very least are familiar with each other.
One of the students in my class lost his battle with cancer over the weekend, we'll call him "Z". So, seeing as how we are film students we set out to make a tribute video. Earlier today I was contacted by another film student, we'll call him "C", C was asking if I had any footage or photos of Z. We started talking about how strange it was he was gone.
At the same time, I was texting my girlfriend, we'll call her "S", about getting sushi, a food I would very seriously consider killing for.
Anyway. I received a message from C roughly saying "it's going to be weird editing footage of Z." I simultaneously received a message from S saying how she was craving sushi. I replied to C and agreed how it was going to be very strange and left it at that. I then went to reply to S and apparently never got there. I don't know what heinous crime I committed to make my brain think I was replying to S when in actuality I was replying to C, but that's what I did. And I sent word for word, "It makes my mouth water just thinking about it" to C.
It took me close to fifteen minutes to realize my mistake. I only checked my phone to see why my girlfriend had not replied and I noticed I had actually never replied to her. And then it hit me, I had sent the wrong text to C. I immediately texted C back explaining myself and am yet to receive a response, it's been almost two hours.
TLDR- Told an acquaintance the thought of editing footage of our dead friend made my mouth water.
Ziferius: WTF. You're in film school for crying out load -- can't make up legitimate names? They're people -- not a variable from a Fortran or BASIC program.
myalt1080: > for crying out load
haha, your trying to troll and you cant even spell something right. in case you edit it out
http://i.imgur.com/j4TyIal.png
downhillcarver: >haha, your trying to troll and...
Haha, you're trying to call someone out on their spelling, and you can't even use the proper contraction for "you are"!
gerphq: annnnd the circle of life is complete.
[deleted]: I think it's more of a loop since it's not refined enough to be a circle.
| 6 | 3.333333 | |
1393997538 | 1394123100 | t3_1zlpu2 | t5_2to41 | 60 | bberry115: TIFU by throwing condoms at my grandmother.
While technically this happened around Fourth of July last summer I did not find this subreddit until recently so I figured I'd share now.
Last summer I was given the opportunity to take a few intensive language courses. This took up 12 weeks of my summer, so my only opportunity to head back to my hometown was just that week of July. It had been a long time since I saw my grandparents as well, so they found the time to come visit me for a day while I was back home. Since time was so limited and I had just started a pretty new relationship with my now ex GF I figured it would be cool to have her tag along too so I could spend as much time possible with everyone. It is also important to note she was my first GF and this was her first time coming back to my hometown to meet my parents.
The issue began while I was contemplating where I should hide my condoms so my nosy mother wouldn't find them if she happened to get in my suitcase. After way to much time thinking I thought it would be a splendid idea to put them in my binder that I was using for my classes.
The plan worked perfectly until my grandma asked to see some of the course materials that I was learning. So having memory retention capabilities of a slow goldfish, I eagerly grabbed my binder and flung it open to show her how smart her grandson is. Unfortunately the image of my intelligence was sort of masked by the shiny packages flying towards her soon to be very disturbed face. I could see my GF, who saw the whole thing unfold, sink slowly beneath the pillows of the couch in hiding out of the corner of my eye. Meanwhile my grandma who is always the first to a silence with incessant talking stood there stuttering while my dad and brother sat there trying best to hide the fact that they were about to bust out laughing. Upon seeing my mistake I scrambled to pick them up off the ground while almost knocking her over in the process.
Since I had no idea what the proper social standard was after throwing condoms in your conservative grandmother's face. I just picked them up off the ground and continued to show off my school work like nothing ever happened. To this day no one in my family has brought up that situation again and my ex and I laughed it off later that night after they left. I'm just waiting for that one Christmas dinner when my grandma gets the courage to bring it up at the dinner table. That will be exciting...
TL&DR- Introduced GF to grandparents. Proceed by throwing condoms at my grandma's face.
lord_darrel_the_MEH: Could have been worse, they could have been filled condoms.
Cuntmuncher69: With shit.
academyawardwinner: Or with half of your dad's dick
| 4 | 15 | |
1394017373 | 1394634409 | t3_1zm8vt | t5_2to41 | 131 | Tommygun9504: TIFU by inundating several kilograms of beef in human blood
Didn't think I was going to be posting on TIFU again so soon, but here we go, sit down and buckle up.
I work as a casual at a certain well known fast food chain (We'll call it The Scottish Restaurant, honestly don't care how much of a dead giveaway it is) and I made a pretty bad mistake.
Some context, I've been having blood tests about twice a month to keep tabs on my white blood cell count, having semi-recently returned from Papua New Guinea with a malaria infection (thank you doxycycline for stopping it from getting any foothold) and with a severe infection in my left leg that fucked the nerves up so that I can't feel anything around my left calf (not sure if permanent) and I happened to have one of those blood tests done this morning, where they fucked up the original sample and for whatever reason, needed to take more than usual.
I'm not supposed to do even moderately heavy lifting for a certain amount of time after a blood test, couldn't see the harm, now I have been shown the light.
I was working in the kitchen of my store this afternoon and had to restock the grillside freezer with more beef patties from the main meat freezer (they come in boxes of >10 kilograms, not certain exactly how heavy they are) and somewhere between the two freezers, the bloody floodgates opened and blood rained down from each arm upon the box, easily getting in. The patties are protected by a plastic wrapping also, but for whatever reason, the top was open and blood poured down into it and contaminated the entire box of beef.
My manager spoke to me on the spot, and nobody's being blamed for the events of today, since this is the first time out of six blood tests that I'd actually had issues with this sort of thing. However, I gave them the dates of future blood tests so they don't roster me on those days to prevent that happening again.
TL:DR; Picked up a box, contaminated several kg of beef with blood
ObitoUchiha41: Colonel Brainfart, here, and I need help. It bugs me more than it should that I can't figure out what 'The Scottish Restaurant' is. What is it?
Also, my mom's had a bunch of blood tests done and has had an IV in her arm, but I'm having trouble imagining that much blood spilling out. It'll come to me, but even then... This stinks.
Prepare_To_Be_Woo-ed: You're not alone. Not knowing what the Scottish restaurant is irks me too.
thehandyandyman: Do you want a McClue?
Prepare_To_Be_Woo-ed: Thank you. I was thinking Scottish themed and not the origin of the name. I think I need a nap.
AvalonBright: Seriously. I was thinking of The Tilted Kilt and was really confused from the rest of the post... >_>
ObitoUchiha41: I did for a second, but then reread 'fast food' and changed my mind.
OP said he spilled blood on beef, though... How could that happen at mcdonalds?
KristyConfused: They do use beef. Just because it's low-grade crap beef doesn't mean it doesn't come from a cow.
Quajek: It is shitty food that you shouldn't eat because it tastes bad and is terrible for you and provides almost no nutrition of any kind. [But it isn't really low-grade crap beef.](http://www.snopes.com/food/prepare/badmeat.asp)
| 9 | 14.555556 | |
1394019928 | 1394139672 | t3_1zmaxo | t5_2to41 | 2,667 | squiressquire: TIFU by giving a customer a 99% discount
Well, at work we have a separate EFTPOS machine which requires myself to input the cost that the POs system displays. So when someone bought a platter for $55 I inputed it, but I forgot to press 0 twice, and charged them $0.55 for it, a 99% discount. The customers details were thrown out after we discovered this mistake so we won't get the money back
karmavorous: When I was 18, I worked at Toys R Us.
At the time they sold that really expensive baby formula (Simulac), I think it was about $20 per can back then.
Everything else in the store, if you scanned the bar code on the box, it would charge you for the whole case, but for some reason Simulac put a bar code on the bottom of the box that was just for one can.
After I worked there about 6 months, one day a customer finally pointed it out to me. I had been selling $240 cases for $20. Daily for 6 months.
Sometimes people would run and grab a second case when they saw that I was ringing it up wrong.
The managers constantly thought there was a huge theft issue with those items. Even after I stopped selling them wrong. So I assume that lots of other cashiers were doing it as well, or possibly that the managers didn't even know the bar code only charged one can.
trashlikeyourmom: A girl I used to know would buy cases of beer at the self checkout by scanning a can that was in the box rather than the barcode on the outside of the case. It would ring up as a 6pack instead of a 24 pack
Fliffs: The resister didn't freak out when the item wasn't the right weight?
karmavorous: Every time I've used a self-checkout and it freaks out over the weight, the person watching the self checkout just clears it.
Also, a lot of times with cases of beverages, I scan them and put them right back in the cart (you can't really bag them), so the self checkout shepherd usually sees that you did that and doesn't investigate further.
They're trying to watch 4-8 self check kiosks at once. They don't have time to run over and check each item and receipt every time the weight is off by a few pounds.
I don't scam supermarkets, but I can totally see how easy it would be.
KomradeKitsch: I used to scam supermarkets back when I was poorer than I am now, and had less self-respect. Can confirm, it is ridiculously easy.
noodles123: If you don't mind me asking, what did you do?
KomradeKitsch: Loads of stuff, all different kinds of tricks really.
~~I'm not gonna write a how-to or anything~~ That's kind of what this turned into after I started writing, but here were the most basic techniques:
***NOTE: I do not condone using any of the below information in practice, it is simply recorded for your entertainment and education (and my procrastination). The actions described below are dangerous, and they could fuck up your life. I never got caught, and it was mostly thanks to luck. That being said, the other stuff I learned didn't hurt.***
* Stealing the rolls of stickers that clerks slap on large items to verify that they've been paid for, then walking out with any large item I feel like.
* Mislabelling any item priced by weight, and going through the self-checkout. As was mentioned up above, the self-checkout clerks will clear most any error, and it's easy to plead ignorance of the proper codes if caught (Though I only had to do that once).
* Took plastic bags matching the store with me, do my shopping; once finished, picked all but one item, placed them in the plastic bags, and took the last item to the checkout to pay for it, telling the clerk that I checked out already and forgot the last item. Walk out with all the bags.
* Did enough shopping to fit in one large mop bucket, placed all the groceries in the bucket, also picked up a mop, then just walk out. The idea behind it being that any security would simply assume I bagged my checked groceries in my mop bucket, rather than getting extra bags. Walking with confidence is the key to this one.
* All this was accompanied by a lot of other 'honing of the senses', so to speak. Being able to walk into a store and gauge the general alertness of the security staff, where the cameras are, how many there are, where the blindspots of those cameras are, and where the store has the least foot traffic (usually pet supply aisles in grocery stores, as they're stuffed off in the back corner, and a smaller percentage of the total customer population makes their way there in general)
There were some other things that were handy to learn (basic slight of hand, how to act casual and friendly while doing something wrong, how to manage your own body language, how to de-package items quickly[box knives are awesome for this])
RenaKunisaki: I don't understand the mop one. You just put things in a mop bucket and left with it?
KomradeKitsch: Correct. It's a flimsy cover, which is why confidence is important. Carrying a mop helps sell the story without ever talking to a single person, which is the advantage of that tactic.
**Pros:**
* Minimal to no human interaction.
* Normal movement through the grocery store is possible.
* Attracts minimal suspicion until 30 seconds before you exit the store.
**Cons:**
* Low volume of goods, best for gourmet, deli, and butcher items.
* If security's anywhere near the door, picking another door, or aborting the mission is advised.
KennyFulgencio: can you do an mspaint stick figure drawing, I know it's very basic but I'm having trouble picturing the guy leaving the store
KomradeKitsch: No, and that's because it looks different in every store. My ms paint diagram would not help you understand.
KennyFulgencio: the point of ms paint diagrams is to entertain and inspire, even if they confuse people rather than enhance understanding!!
KomradeKitsch: Exactly, and in this case, the combination of inspiration and confusion is dangerous. Let me put it this way: If you can't figure that portion out for yourself, you shouldn't, ever.
KennyFulgencio: for heaven's sake I just want to enjoy an mspaint diagram!
| 15 | 177.8 | |
1394044194 | 1394121529 | t3_1zn8sh | t5_2to41 | 43 | cfard: TIFU by taking $5 off of 100 gift cards
[Repost: misspelt title]
This happened back in November. I was a noob cashier, and a customer came into Store with a coupon that said "Get $5 off $25 gift cards from these stores!" and Store was in the list. So he bought 100 of them. This flyer he showed me was not from Store, so I wasn't supposed to honour it. I took $5 off each of the 100 gift cards, for a total of $500 off. I didn't know about this FU until after closing, when another cashier saw the strange-looking coupons.
Pyramat: 1. Buy $25 gift card.
2. Buy another $25 gift card with new $25 gift card.
3. Repeat.
4. Receive infinite money.
jumbobombo: So basically you are exchanging gift cards
| 3 | 14.333333 | |
1394044932 | 1394118511 | t3_1zna3q | t5_2to41 | 282 | TheOtherAvaz: TIFU by telling my wife she smells. (NSFW)
We had both gotten out of the shower and were full-on in the middle of an awesome fuck session when I told her to turn over to the side of the bed for some doggiestyle. As soon as I got into position, I was nasally assaulted by some vile stench of indescribable origin. She hadn't farted, and we both had *just* showered, so I had no idea what this malodorous intrusion was. I coped as best I could by alternating between holding my breath and leaning my head out and to the side to gasp breaths through my mouth (quietly so as not to attract attention to it), long enough for us both to finish.
After cleaning up, and after commenting on what a great lay she was, I casually mentioned that while I was ramming her from behind, there was some sort of smell.
But I was totally not even trying to be insulting, I was just honestly saying it as like a, "Hey, just so you are aware..." I felt it was my duty to let her know something was not right. Like a public service.
Now, I can see this was *A Very Bad Idea.* You can imagine the reaction and aftermath.
You guys, I don't think I'm gonna get laid for at least a month (probably longer) because of this.
**UPDATE:** Cause was determined to be pre-period stank. This happened one or two days before she was supposed to get it, but apparently I brought it down by sexing. The following day was full-on cramping and can't-get-out-of-bed mode for her. Skipped work and everything.
humpdaycamel: LMAO!! I had the same thing happen the other day, but I have learned not to say a word!!! Your best bet would be to try and talk to her and say you were just trying to help her out by letting her know something wasnt right down there...
TheOtherAvaz: I have to disagree. I already tried the talking-to-her bit. It didn't work, as you can see. She was having none of it. :)
Based on personal experience, my *BEST* bet would be to STFU and not say anything, period. Full stop. Pretend it didn't happen. I feel the adage of "happy wife, happy life" applies here.
neun: I think your wife is handling it in a bad way, honestly.
TheOtherAvaz: Agreed.
[deleted]: Okay but are we talking about you came, went into the bathroom and then told her she stank??
TheOtherAvaz: Yes, correct.
DM;HS
[deleted]: It does matter, you really embarrassed her.
That kind of shaming can really fuck with a person.
TheOtherAvaz: See OP update.
| 9 | 31.333333 | |
1394053491 | 1394138306 | t3_1znpvf | t5_2to41 | 19 | mustangwolf1997: TIFU and might get kicked out of school.
So, I can't feel the cold.
Well, I can, but not on the levels other people can. I'm a Canadian, with native background and Irish blood. -20 degrees Celsius? Pass me my spring jacket.
I am also a smoker.
What does cold weather with no protection and smoke in your lungs cause? You got it. Bronchitis.
In the start of the second semester, I got bronchopneumonia. I had it for two weeks and was away the entire time, coughing up blood.
I'd been sick ever since, going to school every day I could and fighting through the urge to puke.
A week ago, I went to the hospital. I had been coughing up blood again for the past week, so I decided to get medical attention. Surprise surprise, I have bronchitis.
Now, let me tell you right now. From the day I arrived (and not to brag, I'm a good kid. I stay out of trouble and work hard.) my principal has been trying to kick me out since the day I arrived. Example, freshman year. I had no clue where any of my classes were and so I was late to my math class. I was never late before, and the first late is only a warning, then a detention, and after a couple detentions, a suspension. So the first time I was ever late, my principal saw me going up the stairs, and tried to suspend me on the spot. I went through some shit freshman year, such as watching my mother almost die twice. (fucked me up bad, man.) So I started skipping. Very rarely. This is where I fucked up.
So the new year started and I decided not to skip anymore. There was the occasional once every two weeks I would miss a class, but then I got sick.
Back to the current moment, I'm still getting over my bronchitis. I have to present a project for careers class. I finish the project, go to class, do my presentation (while coughing my lungs out and had blood all over my left shirt cuff from coughing) and then went home so I could rest.
My vice principal calls. The vice principal who has been the nicest person ever to gain my parent's trust. I've been away so much they feel I am no longer a student. I'll either be placed into the designated "special" class, or kicked out.
This is what the VP does. She gains people's trust, then as soon as she gets the nod from the principal, stabs them in the back. That's how my brother got thrown out.
The only GOOD VP left will be retiring next year. I'm thinking of transferring schools before shit gets bad.
Guys, I fucked up.
Ninja edit: This is taking place a week after being diagnosed, and I've already given the teachers and principals the note from the hospital saying it's true. If the shit hits the fan, it's really all up to chance. My first year could be used against me, but my hospital records show that I DID have bronchopneumonia, and I DO have bronchitis.
LoydeReed: you're in highschool and smoking?
or you're in the one post secondary institution that still takes attendance.
Whytefang: I'm in college in Ottawa and attendance is still part of the grade for most of my classes.
LoydeReed: so at worst you lose 10% of your mark. hardly grounds to be kicked out on.
Whytefang: It's 50% of my grade in my Reporting Technical Info class, and a decent amount in others, including the caveat that missing more than 3 labs for any class will be an automatic fail (presumably if no legitimate reason is given).
While I agree, it's hardly grounds to be kicked out on, I was more addressing the fact you don't seem to think post secondary institutions use attendance.
LoydeReed: for labs that's entirely reasonable, you can't hand in a report for a lab you didn't do. after 3 years of engineering i've only ever had a 10% attendance mark at most and only in a few courses. i'd LOVE to have a 50% attendance mark.
i suppose if you're taking classes that require a large amount of in-class discussion then it'd be understandable.
Whytefang: Except I'm in a mobile course, so all my labs are online, which means I could do them at home and hand them in; however, I still have to go in.
| 7 | 2.714286 | |
1394054911 | 1394157550 | t3_1znsj8 | t5_2to41 | 211 | Lattice0123: TIFU by fingering my spiral ring notebook in class.
So, while I was in an English seminar about [Edgar Allan Poe](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edgar_Allan_Poe), I quickly became bored out of my skull. Though I will admit that I love many of his works, Cask of Amontilliado, Fall of the House of Usher, etc... That's not important. I was bored and my hands started toying with my notebook, playing around with the cover, flipping through pages, etc.. Then I heard a gasp and looked over towards the noise. In my seminar of 6 people, all were staring at me. I quickly looked behind me to see if there was something but when I turned around they were still ogling me. My professor simply said, "what are you doing to your notebook Lattice0123??". I looked down and my middle finger was up to the second knuckle in the spiral of the notebook. I had been absentmindedly fingering my notebook while my teacher had been talking. According to my friend, I had gotten pretty animated about it too. So, I had to just hide my head and put my notebook back into my bag. Fuck.
**TL; DR: Fingered notebook, forgot what I was doing.**
TheBanger: My friend (who shares this account as a matter of fact) used to fist his binder in health in middle school.
Urrrhn: Not even going into the logistics of fisting a binder, why would you share an account?
TheBanger: I have no idea, but the comment replies can get confusing. And fisting a binder is really easy, just tear open the cover and go to town.
Lattice0123: I'm intrigued.. I need to borrow his technique. and some vaseline
TheBanger: hello. i am the fister. questions? AMA!
Greggster990: Do you specialize fisting "other" things?
TheBanger: No. Not at all.
| 8 | 26.375 | |
1394056420 | 1394130874 | t3_1znv84 | t5_2to41 | 261 | mcgmets: TIFU by throwing shit out the window at work (x-post r/funny)
My buddy who works in NYC sent me this today:
I work in a small office with about 6 other people. We only have one bathroom with one toilet, and the walls are very thin.
I haven't been able to think since.
So I had an iced coffee from Starbucks, and per usual, it made me have to shit after. I'm in the only toilet in my office and I knew coming out it was going to be a big one. I'm always worried about this because the toilet isn't the most powerful, and I can't think of anything else on earth more embarrassing then clogging the only toilet in the office. So I flush. And the huge log comes right back out. I plunge for a bit and flush again, the huge log remains. (keep in mind that everyone in the office can hear when you flush so it's already an absolutely horrid situation).
I flush for a 3rd time praying to god the log would just go down. It did not. After about 2 mins of just standing there absolutely mortified by the situation I decided to do something that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I wrapped my hand in an entire roll of paper towels and reached down for the log.
I now hold in my hand a 3 pound log of feces thinking of every option possible. Do I throw it in the garbage? Do I run out of the bathroom and out of the office to dispose in a nearby NYC trash barrel. After about 15 seconds of just holding the shit, I decide to make a move. I open the window and throw the log out of the 4th floor of my building. I did not have the mental fortitude to peak my head out the window to see where it landed.
At this point, only god knows where the paper towel wrapped shit landed, and I am forced to live with this despicable act for the remainder of this disgusting experience we call life.
Greathunter512: Hopefully nobody got shitFaced
creepyswaps: and hopefully there's not one more shithead walking around NYC.
Greathunter512: Not being rude in New Yorkers. But most of them are already shitHeads
| 4 | 65.25 | |
1394048132 | 1394141211 | t3_1znfys | t5_2to41 | 16 | TeenageButts: TIFU by getting scammed by a voodoo priestess
So this happened about two years ago when I was 16, but its still worth the share.
My family and I went on vacation to New Orleans, which was pretty cool because it is a completely different culture there than I am used to. One night we all went to dinner and saw this woman who would not stop staring at us for some reason. We thought it was probably because we didn't look like locals, so we didn't think much of it. After we had dinner we decided to go eat some bomb ass beignets because those things are awesome (seriously try them they are great). Once my sister and I were done we decided we wanted to walk around the french quarter on our own, since our parents were tired. They let us and told us to be careful and be back at the hotel by an hour. That did not happen.
While me and my sister were walking, we saw the same woman from earlier. She stopped us right away and said "I have great feelings from you two, I must do a reading on you two! Y'all were shouting to me earlier at that restraunt but I didn't want to freak your parents out! I will explain it all on our walk to a place." Now, I have been interested in this stuff before. I have gone to readings before, but this was a little sketchy. Its about 12 am, and we are at a place we have never been to, but my sister hasn't done anything like this, and decides it was a great idea to go with this woman.
She asked us where we wanted the reading, and my sister said "oh we aren't from here we have no clue." WHICH WAS SO STUPID WHY WOULD YOU TELL A STRANGER THAT. She ended up taking us to this ally, but on the way there she explained to us how she was a voodoo priestess and how he has hexed her neighbors before because they killed her dog and how one of them died. I am a little freaked out at this point but didn't say anything because I didn't want to ruin it for my sister. At one point some drunk dudes were walking down this alley and they started hollering at us like "LOOK AT DEM THIGHS BOYS WE NEED THIGHS LIKE THOSE IN OUR LIVES" and so the priestess started screaming "GET OUT YOUR KNIFE" and all of a sudden another guy ran up to them and started waiving a knife around these drunks and they sprinted away. I guess it was the priestess's husband but my sister and I never saw him before that point.
During this reading I tried to text my parents what was happening, but she kept on telling me to put my phone away because it was disturbing her. So my parents are calling non-stop because they have no clue what is going on or where we are at or anything. At this point, it is 2 am, and my sister is starting to get freaked out, and tells her we need to go. The woman agrees, and walks us back to where we met her. As we are walking, she tells us about people who haven't paid her for her services and what shes done to them. This whole time I didn't even think of her charging us for anything. Shes the one who stopped us, and she never told us we had to pay this whole time, so I didn't think much about it. Once we were at the original spot, she says "Ok thats $150." My sister and I didn't have that much. We didn't even think we were going to pay. Together, we had 60 bucks. We were thinking about all these hexes she put on people and didn't want to possibly be under any of that shit, so we told her thats all we had, and she said "Well I guess this will due." and just walked away.
We were idiots I know.
**TL;DR - Teenage girls go to New Orleans and decided to go with a "voodoo priestess" to do a reading at 12 am, then once it was over, charged them 150 dollars without telling them before hand**
dralcax: Why the hell did you let your sister drag both of you into this?
TeenageButts: to be honest i have no fucking clue.
Firtree8: Why the hell did you believe that? That's the most bullshit thing I've ever read you can't "hex" people that was an obvious scam.
TeenageButts: i have no clue. can i blame heat of the moment?
| 5 | 3.2 | |
1394084288 | 1394130538 | t3_1zp3xl | t5_2to41 | 735 | dunecumt: TIFU, I called a girl in my class a "stupid fucking twat" and made her cry...
We were doing some group work and I was leaning over to my friends table with my back to her, when she said "hey could you cover that up?" and pointed at my plumbers crack. The smile and laughing face of her and the guy next to her made me snap, I think it triggered something deep in my psyche about being a awkward fat kid. I said " really?!, you stupid fucking twat?" and turned back around. As soon as I said it I knew it was way to much. Only her and the guy next to her heard it. About a min later I could hear her softly crying. Its a college class so I'm not so worried about her tattling on me, but I know it was way over bored with what was supposed to be some good humored fun. /sigh
flying_phish: honestly, that's the risk she takes with a comment like that to a total stranger
jations: No, your wrong. He overreacted and should not have let it bother him. Be normal.
Toctsx: Many "normal" people choose to ignore a stranger's social faux pas specifically because they don't want to embarrass them. For example, when normal people interact with dwarfs, the polite normal people try to ignore the fact that the other person is a dwarf and treat him or her like anyone else. The girl could have just as easily looked at the ass crack, blushed a little and then walked away. Instead, she tried to be a smart aleck and ended up crying like a little baby bitch.
pamplemus: that's simply not true. there's a difference between bringing attention to something that's already happened (e.g. accidentally spitting on someone while talking) and telling someone about something they can fix (their shirt is unbuttoned and you can see their boobs, their fly is open, their buttcrack is showing). in every conversation i've ever had or seen, people in the second category have expressed a desire for someone else to tell them so they can fix it immediately instead of going around the entire day and showing it off.
it doesn't at all sound like she was trying to be rude. the reasonable thing for OP to do is say something like "oops, thanks" and pull his pants up. why are you trying to justify him completely overreacting and calling an innocent girl a horrible name? you sound incredibly bitter.
Toctsx: She, a college student, literally cried because a stranger called her a twat. She was **being** a little baby bitch.
Also, "innocent girl"? Seriously? Why don't you get off the internet and go polish your armor. Gotta keep it white and shining, you know
pamplemus: i'm not a white knight, i'm a married woman... newsflash: you don't have to be sexually attracted to someone in order to want them to be treated humanely.
she probably cried because she was in shock. seriously, she politely pointed out that someone's buttcrack was showing and in return was viciously attacked. i don't think it's wrong of her to be upset. maybe she's a tad oversensitive for crying, but isn't that also a great way to describe OP? yet he's not getting called a "baby bitch" for being so sensitive. hm, i wonder why...
Toctsx: Actually, tons of people are yelling at him for being too sensitive. Tons of people are also calling her too sensitive. There is no He-Man Woman Haters Club here, as much as you'd like to think there is.
And she didn't "politely point out" anything. She made a big scene of it and laughed about it with her friend, which is what made OP freak out. If she had tapped him on the shoulder, pulled him aside and quietly told him his crack was showing, he'd probably have been both embarrassed and grateful, instead of just embarrassed.
pamplemus: where does it say she made a big scene about it? where does it say she laughed about it with her friend? all OP said was she smiled and had a "laughing face". considering OP is obviously very sensitive about this topic, it's more than reasonable to assume he's reading things into her facial expressions, *especially* because the polite thing to do when telling someone to cover up their buttcrack, zip up their fly, button up their shirt, etc. is to smile and make the situation seem like it's not a big deal so as not to embarrass the person further. i honestly doubt the OP would have reacted differently if she took him aside and quietly made the same request, and i have to wonder why you randomly jumped to the conclusion that this girl was actively trying to embarrass and make fun of him.
also, there are only a couple of people saying he did the wrong thing and that he should apologize. in fact, the comment with the most upvotes is literally telling him to not even feel bad for what he did. whereas the hate this girl is getting is way out of proportion considering the nature of her actions. so yes, i'm inclined to believe there is a lot of sexism in these comments.
Toctsx: > The smile and laughing face of her and the guy next to her
Where does it say she laughed about it with her friend? READING IS SOOOOOOOO HARD GUYYYYZZZZZZ
You can find (read: invent) sexism and racism anywhere if you want to. Oh man, Kingdom Hearts is sooooooooo racist! They made Goofy, the BLACK character, taller and stupider than everyone! He is also the only character who can't use magic! Ugh, I have to go make some posts on Tumblr about this
pamplemus: you're making a fool out of yourself. "laughing face" is not the same thing as laughing. i just gave a rational explanation for why she might be smiling. plus, you're only getting one side of the story here - the side of someone whose interpretation of the situation is clearly affected by his experiences in the past.
but sure, just brush me off and tell me to go to tumblr (even though i don't post there?) because apparently, that's easier than either admitting you're wrong or trying to have an actual discussion about this. real mature.
Toctsx: Laughing face is not the same thing as laughing? That's retarded. That is like saying someone with a smiling face is not smiling, someone with a crying face is not crying, etc. Yeah, she was laughing. That is why she had a laughing face.
Do you know what is really, really mature? Assuming that your interpretation of the situation is somehow more accurate than mine. Unless you ARE the little baby bitch who OP made cry, you weren't there. You and I read the exact same reddit post, yet somehow you are "right" because you say he is distorting what happened, and I am saying he didn't. Arrogance is SUPER mature.
pamplemus: laughing is a behaviour defined as more than just a facial expression, so it's not that weird to think a "laughing face" and actual laughter are not the same thing. and i don't see how i'm the only arrogant one when you're also trying to convince me you're right...
look, you're clearly choosing to interpret OP's post differently than i am, so let's just agree to disagree. this will be my last response to you.
Toctsx: You didn't need to respond at all
| 14 | 52.5 | |
1394101540 | 1394104688 | t3_1zpjy9 | t5_2to41 | 26 | jesterfraud: TIFU by sending a copy of a note I left about a customer to the customer
At the store I work at, I was processing an item that the owner was returning for repair who attempted to physically intimidate me and make me choose the most favourable options in the form (aka committing fraud). I left a note about the customers actions after they left, but ticked the box out of habit that sends a copy of the note to the customer.
PhilippeCoutinho: hahaha was it really bad what happened?
jesterfraud: Well he kept demanding I changed options I'd selected in the warranty form on the computer (computers are positioned in places customers can see), and he stayed inside my personal space and made me feel worse than uncomfortable.
I kept the note factual, but seeing the customer had the complaint hotline for our franchise kept as an entry in his phone book, I'm expecting to hear about it in a big way.
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1394073744 | 1394251829 | t3_1zoo9l | t5_2to41 | 32 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting drunk and entering a contest.
Carnaval, Brazil.
I'm not one to go out much but my internet went down and sure as hell wasn't coming back up during the biggest party of the year.
I head down to the main avenue to see the parade and get hammered.
After a grand total of 5 caipirinhas (cachaça, lemon/lime juice and ice) my brain decided it would be a good idea to enter a contest of who could eat most chili peppers. I don't really like that stuff but for the grand prize of the equivalent of 500$ i gave it try. I failed. Miserably. As soon as i got home i knew the night wasn't over yet and headed to the throne.
It's now been 24 hours and my bowels still haven't forgiven me, my ass is so burning so hard i could start a fire with a well aimed fart.
TL:DR, got drunk, ate chili peppers, could start a fire with a fart.
EL_CAVEMAN: Would the 500$ be worth the bowel trouble?
MrStripes: ...yeah
| 3 | 10.666667 | |
1394119189 | 1394145303 | t3_1zq2hu | t5_2to41 | 156 | [deleted]: TIFU by texting my mother.
So lately, I've been having some doubts about my relationship with my boyfriend. I moved to a new state with him over a year ago, and we are now 1000 miles away from our home state and parents.
Yada yada yada...whenever I'm anxious it helps knowing that I have an alternative, like knowing your parents will let you come home from summer camp if all the other kids makes fun of you for the color of your socks. I thought it would help here as well--being halfway across the country from my friends and family, and completely reliant upon my SO for rent.
At work, I was pretty much alone, so there was no one to talk to and distract myself. So that's all I was thinking about, and while on break, I texted my mom and asked that, if it came to a breakup, would they be able to help me come back home.
Here's the fuckup...our breakroom at work has terrible cell service. So my message didn't send till I was back on the floor, where there are people are around and I can't pick up my phone. So she responds in typical mother fashion asking if everything was okay (I had already told her that there wasn't an emergency or any reason to worry) and assuring me that her and my father would help me move back if I wanted.
Then she called.
And called again.
And called again.
I texted her back, hiding behind a counter from my boss, that no, I wasn't locked in a basement somewhere, I was on the floor at work and couldn't pick up my phone.
Then she calls my SO.
So when I get home, I have the lovely time of trying to explain to my SO why I'm moving out and leaving him with no notice, because that's what my mother decided to tell him.
Edit: please don't call my mother a cunt. It was a mistake to call him, but it wasn't a malicious action. You're being rude.
So he told it that my mother informed him I would like to move out, while what actually was discussed was just a concern for me and us, and moving was only mentioned.
Judobeer: your mother ~~is~~ *sounds like* a cunt for doing this
MusicMagi: Whoa, buddy. Watch your fucking mouth and respect other peoples' families.
Papples: Cunt.
MusicMagi: I guess that's how your parents taught you to behave, so it's not your fault. You're probably just a little kid who notices when he types out dirty words on the internet, he gets attention. I ain't mad at ya, little buddy but you may want to deal with your anger issues if you ever want to be in a relationship with a woman that isn't drawn on your hand.
Papples: You're a very hateful man.
MusicMagi: I don't hate anyone. That's a bold statement coming from a guy who's calling a stranger's mother a cunt
People are siding with the guy calling a girl's mother a cunt. Good for you, Reddit
[deleted]: I mean maybe if you weren't being a cunt people would side with you... but...
MusicMagi: I really don't care. That little fucker deserved to be called out.
HellaBex: Cunt.
MusicMagi: Oh look the little shit squad is growing!! Let's all call people names on the internets like grown-ups!
HellaBex: You take yourself far too seriously.
MusicMagi: You're probably right.
| 13 | 12 | |
1394123253 | 1394344928 | t3_1zq8vi | t5_2to41 | 1,088 | [deleted]: TIFU by sending an explicit text to my brother. Fuck.
I was sending my boyfriend a text after getting to school. At this point, he'd already been at work for a couple of hours: I sleep in after he leaves. Here's the text in question:
> I had so much fun with your big cock in my mouth this morning ;) Hehehe. But I had more fun snuggling with you and getting loved all over. I hope that you have a wonderful day, my amazing man. Muah.
My apologies if I just gave anybody diabetes from reading that. The first part is obviously my concern. I don't text very many people, so my boyfriend is almost always the top of the text list. Last night, however, I sent my big bro a text (something about Lemongrab from Adventure Time for anyone curious) so he was at the top of the list. By sheer reflex, I selected the first contact on the list. By the time I realized, it was too late. Fuck. I sent him a text explaining, but the damage has been done. He hasn't, and likely won't, send a text back. So embarrassing.
Edit: some confusion over my age! I'm twenty.
BrokenByReddit: At least you didn't send it to your dad.
HandstheMan: One of my biggest fears is that my girlfriends dad learns what I do to her mouth.
And now I'm afraid to have a daughter.
Lhopital_rules: I feel you about the fear thing, but when I have kids, I hope my sons *and* daughters have good relationships, including good sex, when they're old enough and safe about it. Why would it bother me if my 20-year-old daughter was having protected sex with someone she loved? As long as they don't get pregnant by accident or get an STD or get abused, it's no concern of mine.
HandstheMan: Yeah on a serious note, I plan on being real to my future kids. I want to be the dad that they can call when they made a mistake and need a ride home after a bad party. I wanna be the dad that my kids come do and ask for advice on life, and not feel judged. I don't want my kids to be afraid of getting in trouble, I want my kids to feel comfortable with me, and strive to not disappoint me.
I wanna be able to sit my kid down and say things like
"Hey, your in middle school now. Strive to do your best and be yourself"
"Hey, your in high school now. Things are gonna get hectic, but I want you to always make the right choices for you, and your future"
"Hey, your 17 now.. You have a lot of freedom and a lot of responsibility. I know what I was doing at your age, and I want you to be safe just like I was"
I really wouldn't mind if my daughter was sexually active as long as: I don't hear it, I don't see it, she's dating the boy, and I like the boy. And before she does ANYTHING im putting her on the pill.
Lhopital_rules: I agreed with you up until the last part. Though I don't think you were saying you'd actually force your daughter to take the pill.
IMO, it's always better to be the corny dad than the scary dad.
HandstheMan: Oh god I wouldn't force my daughter to do anything. But I would tell her if she's gonna be doing the deed, she should strongly consider the pill.
OceanRacoon: > Oh god I wouldn't force my daughter to do anything.
lol, pretty sure forcing is half of parenting till they're about 30
MBorkBorkBork: > pretty sure forcing is half of parenting till they're about 30
It doesn't have to be. And actually, if /u/HandstheMan wants that open, supportive relationship with his kids, the less forcing & coercing, the better.
OceanRacoon: What about when you're kid is 8 and decides they don't want to do school anymore and want to hunt bears instead
MBorkBorkBork: I would take them to hunt bears, if it was legal, and we could learn to do it safely & respectfully. Lots and lots of learning happens in hunting. If they're the type of child that's drawn to hunting - being outdoors, early, staying out for hours - it's likely they'd be miserable in school. Misery dampens the ability to learn.
OceanRacoon: You live in Australia in this scenario
MBorkBorkBork: Why Australia?
OceanRacoon: No big mammals, all dead
MBorkBorkBork: Oh, yeah. I didn't think about that. So I reckon first we'd chat about the ethics of hunting bears. And maybe start with squirrels, after watching videos of hunting, etc.
I made the mistake of taking my oldest fishing when he was 4 or so, because he asked to go. He saw the people beside us catch a fish, and started wailing that he didn't want to be there. I figured out later he was probably thinking of cartoon fishing, where the smiling fish practically jumps in the boat, and he hadn't made the connection that a fish was a living creature.
OceanRacoon: I think killing a living creature for your own entertainment when it's unnecessary for your survival is wrong in every case, so it's pretty messed up that you'd let your young children kill animals and not surprising that he was shocked by seeing a fish in the throes of death
MBorkBorkBork: I'm not a hunter, neither are my kids, but the hunters I know are respectful, and use every part of the animal, and help feed their neighbors and people in need. My youngest son HAS been fishing, and is not bothered at all by seeing a fish "in the throes of death" (actually, mostly just hanging on the line). My oldest is now vegetarian; I am not, and my youngest is not, so eating meat, even though it's not necessary for our survival, is part of our lives. Hunting wouldn't be for "entertainment".
Even if I was vegetarian for moral reasons, I would still support my son if he chose to go hunting - my values do not need to be his values.
So we get back to the first part of the discussion: to be "the dad that they can call when they made a mistake and need a ride home after a bad party ... the dad that my kids come to and ask for advice on life, and not feel judged ... [to have] kids [not] afraid of getting in trouble" means supporting your kids, and not coercing, controlling, or forcing them to do things.
OceanRacoon: Unless it's necessary for your survival, it is entertainment, you can go buy food in a shop, you don't need to kill a wild animal living its own life in the forest. Hunting is just recreation for humans in society, they can eat and make use of the animal, but it's just a selfish hobby that involves taking the life of a living creature
MBorkBorkBork: And... where does the meat in a shop come from? That's really straying quite far from the point of discussion, but if you think factory-farmed meat is better than wild game, more power to you. Either way, it's taking the life of a living creature.
OceanRacoon: It comes from farms and other industrialised methods of food production that have removed the need for humans to hunt. Going into the woods to murder an animal that is lucky enough to be born wild is just selfish, you don't need to do it, it's just because you like it, not because it's necessary, it's bad enough all the animals that are killed by the food industry as it is
MBorkBorkBork: Well, good thing (for you, I guess?) this is a theoretical discussion.
OceanRacoon: THIS IS TOTALLY REAL LIFE
MBorkBorkBork: I was going to make a joke about no matter how many times I type "bang" on my screen, no animal is killed, but that reminded me of remote hunting via internet. Reality ruined the funny. And it wasn't that funny to start with.
OceanRacoon: > remote hunting via internet
TIL
| 24 | 45.333333 | |
1394129166 | 1394209508 | t3_1zqiz3 | t5_2to41 | 64 | jacksrdtt: TIFU by trying to impress a girl at RadioShack with my vast knowledge of cellular rate plans.
This actually happened last night and it was horrible.
To start this off I work at RadioShack and these days our traffic consists mostly of people looking to start a new cellular plan. Anyways girl walks in, maybe a few years younger than me, very pretty. Turns out she had called about a prepaid AT&T SIM for her new iPhone. The guy before me had it sitting on the counter ready. Well I had to flex my knowledge and tell her no! You have a iPhone 5s? I can get you a net10 SIM that gives you unlimited talk, text and 3.5 gigs of high speed data (unlimited 3g speed after that) for 50$ compared to that AT&Ts 60$ 2gigs data plan where they charge your if you go over. She was excited and I rang her up for the net10 Sim. And also for a 60$ card. (Our registers can only ring up airtime in 20$ intervals for net10) her total came out to 67$. At this point her mother walks in and I explain what's going on.
**THEN** to even go further I'm like "hey! I need to set it up for you"... "Can't let you go without that phone being 100% ready to go!" So she let's me set it up. I open the net10 packaging and pop the SIM out. Then I open the iPhone 5s SIM card slot only to realize the iPhone 5s takes the nano SIM. The only phone on the market that takes this extra tiny SIM! So... I tell her its fine. I got this, let me just shave a bit of plastic of the edged and it will fit perfectly... 15 min of awkward stares from her and her mother and it's ready! I stick it in but the iPhone is not recognizing it... I'm like FUCK. So I tell them "you know what... This AT&T Sim was laid out here for a reason. We may have to use that. Let me exchange it for you, shouldn't take but a minute." (Because it was a specially ordered nano prepaid Sim.)
I proceed with the refund first and now its not letting me refund the net10 airtime. I try to figure out what's going on. 5 minutes later on our answer portal I see net10 sims can only be refunded within 10 min of purchase. Again I'm like FUCK.
Mother looks at me condescendingly and says "so now what, I can't spend another 60$". And the girl is looking at me with the most horrible dissapointed face. I tell her "no ma'am! I got this" and offer to pay for the airtime on the AT&T plan in exchange for the net10 airtime because I can use net10, its cool. So I ring up everything and its around the same price. I go to swipe my card, denied. Pull out 20$ in cash. Swipe again, denied. FFUUUUUUU... Pull out 26.53$ out of my wallet and swipe for the rest and it finally goes through.
Set it up for them. Had everything running and told them I appreciate them waiting and I'm sorry about the inconvenience and the girl was kinda cool she just said alright no problem, the mother just kept starring and walked out...
**EDIT:** So I decided to go ahead and add that airtime to my phone. Turns out its not compatable with my plan? Now I'm going to have to call net10 and explain my situation and hope they help me out...
**TL;DR: tried impressing hot girl at RadioShack, where I work. Ultimatly ended up waisting her time, pissing her mother off and costing myself a full days work.**
taubut: How new are you to working at radioshack? All airtime is like that, and why are you even trying to convert people from one pre-paid to another? Net10 is the worst prepaid you could be selling, takes ages to activate their pins and they have the worst possible customer service. It's your job know these things. Don't be trying to push horrible products just because you think she's pretty.
Do you really want them coming back and saying how horrible the service is and that they wasted $67 when they originally asked for AT&amp;T. This should have been a 5 minute transaction where the customers product was waiting at the register for them when they walked in. These are the kind of reasons customers won't be coming back to radioshack and instead choose best buy or go right to the phone carrier stores which are probably in a close range to your store.
Do yourself a favor and learn the products you sell before trying to impress somebody. You want to look like you know what you're doing and make people laugh? Memorize the catalog numbers for the button cells and cordless phone batteries. Your battery sales will give you a bigger pay than anything in the store, and if you can know them off the top of your head the second the person walks in the store it makes you look like a mind reader. I used to have people walk in my store holding the battery and before they could even talk to me I'd grab it and have them ready to go. Allows you a chance to talk to the customer about what else they need because they are getting such good customer service from somebody who knows the products.
jacksrdtt: What? i've been with net10 for 6 months now. They are amazing! I've had to call them twice so far and they answer the phone quickly and always help me out. And they have the best plans available. Also been there for 3 months now so fairly new.
taubut: Unless they changed their customer service recently when I worked at radio shack for 7 years Net10 always had horrible outsourced customer service. It would take upwards of 30 minutes of talking to them on the phone to activate a PIN number if the customers phone couldn't do it correctly. My go to prepaid was always virgin mobile or AT&T. Virgin was always extremely quick to set up, and AT&T had the added benefit of working with customers older AT&T phones.
All it takes is product knowledge and you could have some amazing customer retention. When I first started there and radio shacks commission was a bit better I was making $1500 pay checks as a high school kid, by the time I left radio shack when I was managing my own store I had customers baking me brownies and other amazing food.
It might be hard to remember it all but knowing little things like what SIM cards go in what phones is a major help. Being efficient at your job will allow you to talk to the customer more and help them get other products they otherwise would not have thought about getting at radio shack.
Also one last tip, if you're going to pitch at service plan, pitch it on the floor not at the register. Tell them how you can easily swap their product for a gift card which is the amount of the product + tax and they can buy anything they want with it, not just get a replacement product.
jacksrdtt: /u/taubut. I've been there for 3 months and I have the highest numbers out of my co-workers, and some of the best attach rates in the district. way above the required service plan attach rate. AND I've build a good relationship with customers. This was not my first venture into retail. I appreciate your advice but that was just a bad day. And yes my manager tells me about the commission they used to make a few years back... I'm there 6 days a week and barely make a 3rd of that.
| 5 | 12.8 | |
1394135462 | 1394211664 | t3_1zqtya | t5_2to41 | 70 | weekendlush: TIFU by buying a toy
I finally splurged on a luxury vibrator I had been eyeing for a while. Hey I'm single. I just got divorced. Now would be the best time. Dropped $150 on it and I'm excited as hell. Whoops. Forgot to change the delivery address. Where is it going? Straight to my ex husband's house. OF COURSE, because I'm a goddamn idiot. Now I'm in a crazy rush to intercept it before either he or his girlfriend get to it.
kazuma813: ouch... this is the stuff movies are made of
weekendlush: had my roommate go scoop it up on his way back from work. And now my 2 year old just tried to open the box and is now throwing a tantrum because I wont give him the "present"
kazuma813: OMG you should sell this story to a movie
Romance comedy where you get a great guy at the end!
weekendlush: The great 'guy' being the toy.
kazuma813: lol no the great guy being a great guy you deserve...
(btw men go crazy knowing about a using a toy)
| 6 | 11.666667 | |
1394139567 | 1394212139 | t3_1zr15z | t5_2to41 | 47 | [deleted]: TIFU by cleaning my phone on my shirt
I work in a business casual environment and today I was wearing a polo shirt because the weather is nice. Anyways, I was on my break, went to the restroom and while I was standing at the urinal doing my business, my phone buzzes. I reach over to get it out and it slips right into my stream. Without even thinking, I reach in, grab it away from the urinal and wipe it on my shirt. I wash off my hands and clean off my phone but now I smell like a pee. And I have a meeting.
TL;DR: I wiped my pee covered phone on my shirt.
dralcax: That must have pissed you off.
[deleted]: it really did.
Excorcistllamas: *woosh*
OdiousMachine: I think he is fully aware of the punny statement.
[deleted]: I was very much aware of the pun implied and expected it with that story. I think the "woosh" commenter deserves a "woosh" for not understanding that.
OdiousMachine: *wooshception*
| 7 | 6.714286 | |
1394138254 | 1394145620 | t3_1zqyt8 | t5_2to41 | 38 | Nagisa94: TIFU by not clearing my phone history
I was texting my mom about a project for astronomy. Needed to get a scale model of Neptune, and I was asking if we had any spherical objects with a diameter of about 10 inches. Inches somehow was auto corrected to "incestcomics". She didn't comment on it, I think she's acting like she never saw that. Jesus christ though, I can take having a friend see that, but not my mother.
1986summerfire: That's hilarious! For me at least...
So, are you going to turn autocorrect off or will you ALWAYS check before sending from now on? ;)
Nagisa94: Turning that shit off from now on... I don't trust myself to be able to check.
1986summerfire: That's the first thing I did right before writing my very first mail (iPad). I like to think that this saved me some blushes.
| 4 | 9.5 | |
1394132844 | 1394227104 | t3_1zqpcp | t5_2to41 | 27 | Straw_berry: Tifu by saying I'd buy my grandmother a door.
There have been a lot of break ins lately in the area, and my grandmother's house was a target back when it started. They broke in the front door and took what little they could find.
Well her next door neighbour has now been robbed twice in the last month, and the second time my mother mentioned that my grandmothers door still isn't working properly. I didnt realise this at all, so offered to replace it.
Organised a company to come give me a quote yesterday, but when they arrived my grandmother went mad, insisting she doesn't want a new door. So the guy left the quote any way. It was about four times what I expected. I can't afford it. But hey my grandmother didn't want one so it's fine, right?
My mother just called. My grandmother is showing everyone the catalogue and telling everyone we are buying her a door. I fucked up.
adj1: Doors are really easy to install, just buy the same door and save yourself the labor costs.
Straw_berry: She lives in a cottage built over 100 years ago so the door needs to be specially made. .. getting it installed is the cheap part!
shits_gold: get a door slightly larger and shape it down to fit the frame yourself?
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1394148315 | 1394217687 | t3_1zrgua | t5_2to41 | 11 | pmsrwadc21: TIFU by cumming on a girl's face then laughing at her. (NSFW-ish)
Soo.. I want to start off by saying I'm an asshole. I already know..
My SO and I rented a hotel room for the weekend which consisted of: wine, weed, and sexy time. About ~4 hours into the day we've already downed 3 and a half bottles of Moscato and Jamaican hot-boxed the SHIT out of the bathroom and have already partaken in the act of having sex. Tonight was the night I could give my first facial! So come time to cum, and it had *really* built up along with all the other 'supplements' in my system and boy was it a big load..
Well, when I finally came to, I looked down at her the same time she looked at me and all of my cum spread on her hair/face/chest was a surprise and it looked funny to me cause I wasn't used to it so I laughed maybe a little bit too hard before I could stop myself; so it came out as a snicker but we were looking each other directly in the eyes. Now that I rethink it it sounds horrible. She went to take a shower and didn't speak to me for the rest of the night and day after.
**Tl;Dr: Came on my SO's face then laughed in her face.**
foamster: Needless to say you won't get *that* opportunity again. You really *blew* it.
That_Deaf_Guy: So did his SO.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1394153153 | 1394221841 | t3_1zrokm | t5_2to41 | -1 | [deleted]: TIFU by looking at porn, which was seen by my GF when she used my laptop
Me and my GF have been dating for about 2 years and she has always joked about me looking at porn and said she didn't care if I did it's what guys do. I don't really look at it that often, I don't need to she more than satisfies me. Well we are both in nursing programs and see each other maybe once a week and haven't had any sex for about 2 weeks. So I was horny last night and looked at a couple pics on r/nsfw and I guess it didn't close the browser but opened another window on top of it and I thought it closed. My GF used my computer and saw it. She said it was shocking and that she looked no where near that girl and that she isn't as beautiful as her and she got very self conscious. She was disgusted in me I could see it and couldn't even look at me. She went home a bit later and has hardly talked to me since. I feel so ashamed and so terrible for hurting her when I never would. I feel like shit now.
[deleted]: Is she fat? Then you've got a problem on your hands.
[deleted]: No and that isn't very relevant
[deleted]: Sounds like she's at least a bit chub.
[deleted]: No she's not, and for some one who is probably only getting laid by their hand, you don't have a right to jufge
[deleted]: I'd rather be laid by my hand than a crazy fat bitch that cries when I watch porn.
[deleted]: Spoken like a true neck beard
[deleted]: That's not a cliche at all.
[deleted]: Yeah and calling my gf fat, which she's not she is 5'9 and weighs 135 lbs, was sooo original. Look I see your hatred for fat people and that you like morbid reality posts. I'm gonna go out on a limb that you are a guy that was lots of dark clothing, probably had a few metal band T shirts and is actually so insecure in himself that the only way you can feel better about your own shitty unproductive waste of life is to make fun of others and pretend that they have it so much worse than you. Your mother is probably in the kitchen right now cutting the crust off a PB&J for you and your father probably only calls you on your birthday to tell you a card is in the mail with $5 bucks in it, but it never shows up. You are probably also procrastinating on writing some shitty paper for an intro psychology class that you are taking at your local community college that makes you feel that much more superior to the rest of the mouth breathers in your low socioeconomic neighborhood. So how much of that hit home?
[deleted]: Tldr
[deleted]: More like can't handle truth
[deleted]: A truth I didn't read?
| 12 | -0.083333 | |
1394154460 | 1394160842 | t3_1zrqn7 | t5_2to41 | 10 | TheGreatSte: by browsing my friends porn folders. [NSFW]
i_pk_pjers_i: Wait... Were they naked pictures?
TheGreatSte: Some were some weren't. From my observation it was a mix of privately collected nudes, as well as, what could be the shit end of the spectrum for fap material, off of Facebook, Instagram, and twitter.
i_pk_pjers_i: Wait, how did he collect private nudes of them?
TheGreatSte: They are all random selfies and snap chats I would assume that may have been collected or traded for with other nigs
| 5 | 2 | |
1394163426 | 1394320558 | t3_1zs43v | t5_2to41 | 605 | MyLeftNutRuinedIt: TIFU by having an uncontrollable left testicle.
Last night my team and I presented our work. We were presenting a project that we had spent months working on to a large group of architects, engineers, and business owners..
So, as the event begins, everything is going perfectly fine. I'm prepared for my part and all set. And they list out all of the important persons attending. The founder of the organization and a large international engineering firm, multiple large business owners, and *the mayor*. Fairly normal stuff for this annual event.
Jumping ahead to when I began to present.. Everything was going fine... right up until I stood up to present. Moments before I began, my left nut started twitching. And not a subtle twitch, the fucker was JUMPING. I didn't even know a testicle could move the way it did! So I'm left standing there in front of all of these important figures, pale as a ghost, praying to whatever god there is that no one could see my nuts bouncing around my crotch...
10 minutes of presenting later, I go sit down and the damned thing finally stops. I really, really hope that it wasn't noticeable.. but I'm fairly certain it was. I could feel my pants moving..
Anyways..
**TL;DR:** Couldn't keep my jimmies from playing pants pinball while in front of the mayor.
trav1th3rabb1: OP please followup with a doctor's report.
hiddenonion: please follow up with a video report...
BrentOnDestruction: please follow up with an animated short depicting your right testicle's inability to lift.
LadyGrizabella: ::gigglesnort::
Cat: What's wrong? What's wrong? OH GOD YOU"RE LEAKING AGAIN! Must..lick.
Me: Stahp. ::gigglesnort::
AmmitttheDevourer: Wat
LadyGrizabella: I was laughing so hard I was crying, which my cat seems to think is cause for great alarm.
| 7 | 86.428571 | |
1394162621 | 1394223463 | t3_1zs2vc | t5_2to41 | 50 | coachpgoesham: TIFU by trying dip for the first time
As a freshman in college I am being exposed to many new people and new things. One of which is dip or chewing tobacco. Where I came from I never knew anyone that ever dipped. My roomate does it all the time and he especially likes to dip when he takes a dump. He calls it dip shits and says its the best thing that he has ever done. He swore to me that it would clear out all of my system and after having been constipated for a few days I thought I would try it.
My first mistake. Trying to put as much dip into my mouth as my roommate. I forgot that he was a seasoned pro at this and could basically swallow dip without feeling anything.
My second mistake. Not spitting constantly. He told me that all I had to do was spit the tobacco out into a bottle as I took a shit but I didn't realize that I couldn't swallow any of it.
After taking a big pinch and putting it my lip I almost gagged at the taste. It tasted like dirt with wintergreen mixed into it. I sat down on the toilet and began to spit. It did feel like it was clearing out my system as I could feel all the backlog of shit beginning to come out. After about a minute of carrying on normal conversation I began to feel really lightheaded. I began to sweat yet felt really cold at the same time. I asked my roomate who was at the stall next to me if this was what the buzz was supposed to feel like and he just laughed and said that I must have swallowed some of the tobacco or some of the spit and that I was just going to throw up. No sooner than he said that did I feel myself begin to throw up. I quickly got off the toiled and emptied the contents of my stomach into the toilet. I was so focused on feeling like I was throwing up my stomach that I forgot that I initially came to the toilet to shit. Instead of clenching and trying to sit back on the toilet my body decided now was the time to release my load. I was now spewing out of both ends and my roomate was in the next stall freaking out at the sounds and smells that were now coming.
Luckily my roomate had bad experiences when he first started dipping and went back to our room to get me a towl and a bag. With my dignity in one hand and my shit/throwup covered clothes in the other, wrapped in a towel i returned to the room where I began to throw up in the trashcan again. My roomate left me at that point and hasn't returned for hours now...
Tl;Dr. Tried dip for the first time while shitting. Swallowed some and began to throw up and shit at the same time.
downhillcarver: >I tried dip today.
Well there was your first mistake.
This is the only time I've ever heard someone list a "benefit" of dip, and it seems like a pretty niche benefit the need for which can be counteracted by daily fiber supplements. I mean, unless you count yellow/brown teeth and mouth cancer as benefits...
forgotmypasswordonce: The buzz it gives. And if you just take care of your mouth like you should your teeth will not turn yellow or brown.
AibohPhobiA: Can confirm: Chewed for years and have probably done irreparable damage to my mouth, but just from my teeth you'd never think I chewed.
forgotmypasswordonce: Exactly. +1 for dippers.
| 5 | 10 | |
1394165615 | 1394478133 | t3_1zs75p | t5_2to41 | 14 | thedude018: TIFU by spending 400 dollars on something I can't use.
So I want to upgrade my desktop for gaming. I find a GTX770 4GB that I like. I order it, about 399 bucks, it ships. I go to a movie and come back, its here! I open it, ready to game deep into the night, but it doesn't fit. My case is a mini ITX, the card is the size of it. FML. I'm just gonna build a whole computer. Oh well.
[deleted]: Why not just buy a bigger case?
thedude018: I would, but its a premade PC from best buy. Everything is soldered in. I'll probably have the parts within a month
[deleted]: I bet I could get all the vitals out with a little work, but to each their own I guess.
Did you make sure all the parts are compatible?
thedude018: On the one I'll build, yes. I didn't think to check if the long card would fit in my current desktop,
Mega280: If its a premade I can almost garentee the power supply doesn't have enough power
thedude018: Not even close. The desktop had a 275w. The GPU uses 600w. I'm currently building a pc now!
| 7 | 2 | |
1394156286 | 1394223619 | t3_1zrtf0 | t5_2to41 | 18 | upads: TIFU talking with my father
So today I had breakfast with my bro and father, our mom outta the house for a medical check up. I am living in China but my father is British so when mom is out, we speak English, yada yada yada. At one point the boys began boasting about his history with girls and we laughed, here comes the highlight and the F**k Up.
"...if guys who are good with the opposite section are playboys, that makes me a playgirl!"
My father looks at me with stern eyes.
"No, the proper term for that is a SLUT!"
I banged my face on the table so hard one of the legs broke off.
[deleted]: Was he joking, or was he being a dick?
upads: being a dick.
[deleted]: Wow that sucks.
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1394163282 | 1394217015 | t3_1zs3w4 | t5_2to41 | 126 | cmaster6: TIFU with a sleepwalking mom
Was last night actually but I just moved home to my parents after living by myself for a big move I'm making coming up and I decided to jerk it when I thought everyone was asleep... Fuck was I wrong.. So mid jerk, on my knees in front of my bed I hear the door behind me open and I immediately stand up and try to pull my shorts up and see my mom standing there. She doesn't say anything though, so I say hey? No answer, so I walk up to her and it hits me that she's sleepwalking so I just sit on my bed on reddit while I wait for her to walk away so I can close my door, needless to say I didn't finish the sesh and I'm also questioning if she was faking it to save me from embarrassment because she's never sleep-walked before....
TLDR: jerk it when everyone's asleep, NOPE! Mom walks in, I realize she's sleepwalking and hopefully I've still never been caught?.
rutachigal: why do you masturbate on your knees?
cmaster6: Cause then I can put my phone on the edge of the bed and can see it better
charden_sama: I like to lay down, turn my head to the left, and prop the phone against a pillow. Try it out!
cmaster6: But doesn't the screen rotate so you're looking at it sideways?
charden_sama: Turn it to landscape view, and set it top-down for biggest picture. It'll stay in landscape mode.
ssmade06: Am I the only one the watches a couple videos and then creates a composite young lady mentally for me to do the deed, cancelling out a need for my phone...
charden_sama: When I masturbate, I watch a video for the first orgasm, then think about women I know for the second.
| 8 | 15.75 | |
1394161756 | 1394246265 | t3_1zs1lq | t5_2to41 | 24 | TheRedFacedOne: TIFU by getting a blanket from my closet
So today I was just casually dicking around on the internet as always. Nothing out of the usual. I was on Mumble and a friend of mine starts telling me about a guy who was talking about the fact that he was an anti-brony. So I was going to take a selfie of me with my big fuzzy MLP blanket so he could send it to him. I go to grab it out of the closet, and this is where the fun begins. My oldest brother has a habit of "borrowing" things without returning them so my machete that he once used was hidden in my closet... on top of the blanket. So I yanked the blanket down, and with it comes the machete, freshly sharpened by my other brother, who hunts and fishes all the time, so he knows his blades. I felt a sharp pain in my hand so I pulled back, which resulted in a second cut, deeper than the first. Right across the fleshy base of my thumb. I took a look at it and I think I saw bone, but I didn't really want to look at it for too long so I'm not 100% sure of that. I'm also pretty sure I almost made my mother throw up because I came downstairs, hand covered and blood and she immediately ran into the bathroom.
My brother (the one who sharpened it, not the one who takes things) came home from work about 30 minutes after the incident, knocked on my door and said "did I sharpen it pretty well?" Then he sat down on my bed, began sharpening it again and said "next time I'll make sure it takes your hand off." The machete now belongs to him.
tricksterjusty1: Yeah, so older brother 1 (the borrower) is a dick. Let me put this unsheathed machete that is sharp as hell in a closet on top of a blanket where it can't be seen! Not to mention above head level. You're luck your hand got in the way of your face lol. ---- Just for the record I think your family is pretty normal. I'm the knife sharpener in mine. ---- You should have had Brother 1 post: TIFU by hiding my brothers unsheathed machete at the top of his closet!
TheRedFacedOne: Brother 1 didn't put it there, I put it there so he wouldn't just absent mindedly pick it up and never return it. I now see why this wasn't really my best idea ever. And yes, I'm pretty glad all that got cut was my hand. Kinda scares me to think what could've happened if that wasn't the case.
mercury996: Priories in order I see, this man is going places!
| 4 | 6 | |
1394169801 | 1394179817 | t3_1zscoa | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by fucking up a car I already can't afford
So I'm a kid who drives a car that is *way* too nice. After dicking around and shit I managed to acquire an off-warranty BMW 3 series with a about 100k miles on it. My parents didn't pay for the entire thing, they just loaned me money, so I still owe ~$2000 on the thing, not including little fix ups that need to be done in the spring.
I've had this thing for 4 months.
It's a manual.
I **SUCK** at driving a manual.
So over the course of the winter, I've beat the shit out of the clutch, and earlier today, I was backing up in the school parking lot after I entered a full row. I let the clutch slip and gassed it (I was late, okay?) in reverse, but didn't think anything of it. On my way home, I noticed the clutch slipping every time I shifted into 3rd coming out of a turn. I got nervous and fucking stalled the thing TWICE on my way home, furthering the shittery. (I haven't stalled it since the first week I got it).
I did some research, and most sources say a new clutch and flywheel will cost upwards of $2000.
I quit my job a month ago, I have $300 to my name. My parents already are pissed because I owe them as well as my shitty grades this semester.
I'm so fucked.
**tl;dr** Don't be a spoiled ass hole and get a nice car in your teens.
[deleted]: Learn to do the work yourself. Way cheaper.
nowonmai: Yeah, changing a clutch is a piece of piss.
By the time you have all the necessary equipment, you'd have spent the 2k easily.
| 3 | 4 |
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