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1394212434 | 1394402304 | t3_1ztl51 | t5_2to41 | 106 | KingOCarrotFlowers: TIFU by using hair removal cream on my armpits
Last week, there was a post about someone chemically burning their sack. I laughed at it, it was hilarious. "How could you be so careless," I thought to myself, "to apply a hair removal solution to an area so sensitive without testing it first!"
In the comments, /u/Backnblack_66 recommended [that ballsbalm works really well for that sort of thing, and I said that I would give it a try because, why the hell not?](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1zafno/tifu_and_chemical_burned_my_sack_nsfw/cfs2lm2)
Now, knowing that I didn't want to end up with a chemically burned sack, I went ahead and tested it out on a small area down there, and, since I wanted to de-hair my pits as well (I figured, as long as I'm down there, i may as well), I tested on a small area there, as well. Worked perfectly fine for the sack. No discomfort at all. The pits, however, were a bit red and uncomfortable.
Somehow, I thought that it was a fluke. "Surely," I thought to myself, "The genitals have the most sensitive skin, so since it worked for that, I'm fine wherever I put the cream."
I was wrong.
I should have paid attention to the redness on my pits.
I now have a very nicely manscaped man-region, and two red, chemically burned armpits. I've been applying all kinds of balm and lotion to it, but I can't yet apply deodorant because it exacerbates the burn.
TL;DR Watch out for chemical burns. It's serious business.
cherrymaelstrom: I JUST DID THIS WITH MY EYEBROWS.
All of my skin around them is gone, and the hair is still there. Thanks Nair. "Gentle Facial Hair Remover" my ass.
kittysauce: This i must see!
cherrymaelstrom: [OP delivers](http://imgur.com/KTv46XI) Burns+Allergies make it look a little more grotesque. I'm using prescription antibiotics and emu oil to accelerate the healing process.
kittysauce: Ooooo
Cant cover that with makeup i suppose?
cherrymaelstrom: Mmm, kinda. I can make it look skin toned but the swelling and flakiness is still noticeable. From a distance it isn't that bad though.
| 6 | 17.666667 | |
1394215346 | 1394242351 | t3_1ztpwt | t5_2to41 | 1,550 | busdriverjoe: TIFU by telling a coworker my salary
I never thought I'd post here because I have good control over my bladder.
Backstory:
I've been working for a few days at an office where I am an IT Technician. It's only my second job ever. I know I shouldn't be discussing my salary with anyone, but I also didn't sign a contract or even have a formal negotiation for it because I'm a family friend of my employer. So I forgot.
My supervisor has been teaching me the ropes for the past few days. He's a pretty cool guy. During this time, he thought I was only under training because I'm a family friend of the business owner. I thought everyone knew I was getting paid.
Yesterday, I was exhausted and I explained that I wasn't supposed to be in that day, but I received a call and had to drag my ass out of bed and 2 hours . I ended up blurting out my hours and pay. He didn't say anything except, "Sorry you had to come in on such short notice."
Today:
My supervisor gets into fights with the business owner. He recently attempted to re-negotiate something with the owner because he found out my salary. He was told I was just getting training - not getting paid. So it was pretty clear my employer wanted me to slowly take over my supervisor's hours and eventually his job. It's not right because he's really talented, manages so much, and has contacts that I don't. I don't want his job! I like my job!
I don't know what's happening right now because I don't work until Monday. I only just got told by another coworker that this happened. Am I fucked? What do I do?
I FUUUUCKED UUUUUUUUUUUUUP!
**tl;dr** - Textbook example of why not to tell coworkers your salary
nsharonew: How did you say it? You said you blurted it out, but I am genuinely curious as to what you said. Was it something like "Man, I am only supposed to work on Wednesday and Thursday and I only make $14 per hour" in exacerbation from being called in? I'm just curious how one could work this into conversation, let alone blurt it out.
I worked for a large financial firm where people were pretty happy, until they laid a bunch of us off. I was talking with a really good friend who had been there for 15-20 years and we started talking about being over-worked and underpaid (because, you know, it didn't matter how happy we were, we had to make it out to be as bad as possible), and I found out I was making more than her and had been there for only a year.
She wasn't mad at ME, but it made her feel a little more worthless. And she was awesome, she always went above and beyond.
No matter what the situation, it's generally a bad idea to say what you make unless you're signing a lease or getting a credit card. If anyone else needed to know, they would know without you telling them.
AND, you said it's only your second job, and I think we all have made some professionalism mistakes as we learn how to interact in a business environment. If HE made it a big deal, HE needs to work on his professionalism, knowing that you may not be as refined.
Since you can't do anything about it until Monday you may as well carry-on and worry about it if and when it comes up, though.
SolarWonk: I agree. I shared my salary with my two of my older colleagues when I left (they asked me what I was making after I had quit to start my own business). They were ticked because they were older, had a higher titles, families, and discovered they were making probably $15k/year less than me. My base salaries was in the high-ish 5 digits.
However, what they didn't consider was I had come from the engineering department (vs. construction contract mgmt - which did not have the same engineering requirements, neither of them were engineers), and despite my title, I was managing higher dollar contracts (like a two hundred million dollar labor contract!) and was managing many more contracts than either of them.
Plus I had spent every single day at the job trying to boost my career. I always made it a point to get the highest employee evaluation marks, and negotiate for pay increases at every opportunity. I only had a lower "title" because I hadn't been in the industry for enough "years", which is why I quit.
But justified or not, letting them know my pay grade wasn't helpful and probably just ticked them off / made them miserable.
Also in hindsight, the company I worked for shouldn't have given me a higher title, because I was a punkish young kid who wasn't likely to stick around for long haul anyway.
nsharonew: I have just learned it is never a good idea to mention it, even if someone is in a different job, harder or not. But, professionalism isn't something they teach in college.
We had a program at my work which would sort of scoop masters graduates right out of college into a software engineer position. They spent their first 6 months or so getting certified and making about 60-65k a year before they were sent out to the software farms. It was my job to teach them to be young professionals, and that was the single-most satisfying job I had ever had because *they just don't know*. Like, even simple things like having a doctors appointment, they don't know what to do. They don't know how to act, office etiquette and the reason I had to teach them was because it was causing problems.
And yes, even coming in and saying "I can't believe I got this awesome job making xxx for getting certified". Well, the other SE's didn't take too kindly to that. It takes a long time to refine your professionalism skills but after a while it does become second nature. I always felt bad for them when they would speak out of turn or behave in a way that lead others to believe they were anything but bright, young people. Just like OP, now he's really stressed about it, and if they just had a class for these things, he would have never had this TIFU.
thismessismine: Do you have any recommendations for how a new graduate could learn professional skills without having someone like you around for guidance? Any resources or tips?
SolarWonk: When applying for a job, write a one-page resume specifically for that job. Google "corporate resume template". Get rid of all the fluff at the top. Your resume should focus on your past employment and the specific job tasks, responsibilities, and accomplishments you did while at that job. Don't list all your jobs - just show the most recent ones.
Follow up. During the interview, ask when they are making a decision. Call two days before and let them know you are still interested, but are looking at other options. Call the day after. They're probably still deciding. Call two days later and tell them you'd love the job, but you have other opportunities that you'll need to accept soon if you don't hear back from them. Employers love employees who take initiative and make decisions easy. You're also trying to shorten their interview period to box out qualified candidates that might be applying behind you. It's a game and you can win it.
Lie about your current pay. If you make $15/hr, tell your employer you make $19/hr but are looking for competitive pay with long term career opportunity. Apply for a new job every 2-3 years.
Boost your production at the end of the year and at your employment anniversary date. Always let my your know of your anniversary milestone. Ask for an employment review at that time. List your accomplishments and ask for a what is needed for a promotion or raise. It's easier in a big business where corporate advancement programs are more cut and dry. Use that red tape to your advantage. If you are doing roles and responsibilities above your title, politely point it out and ask what you need to get that promotion.
Whenever you accomplish something at work, like finishing a project, let your supervisor's supervisor know, but not in a way that undercuts or puts down your supervisor. The ideal position is where your supervisor is proud to have you working under him/her and will brag about you to his/her boss. But you don't want your supervisor to pass off a project you completed as something he completed.
In a mega-corporation, it's always good to volunteer for weird roles and responsibilities to increase your network and perceived value. Even if its floor warden for fire drills. I volunteered to manage my department's continuing education "lunchNlearns". After I quit my job to start my consulting business, I began to fail terribly and proceeded to lose all of my money. But it was knowledge of the continuing education market that allowed me to redefine my business plan and create a viable product.
If you can complete your job tasks early, don't turn them in early. Always turn them in on time, consistantly. Use your spare time to research more about the company or your industry, and figure out creative ways to add value / save them money. Write a cost savings proposal and give it to your supervisor. Bring it up in conversation with your supervisor's supervisor.
Take note of your coworkers of the same age as you. Be their friend, but understand promotions are a race. Try to be the best one of the bunch.
thismessismine: Wow, that is incredibly helpful. I really would not have figured any of that out on my own, I don't think... certainly not for a long time, if at all. Thank you!
SolarWonk: Also think about stupid shit, even if just for grins and giggles, particularly if you are in a Dilbertesque Megacorp. If you have to wear a name tag or employment badge, keep it on the left side of your chest so people can read it when they walk by. Always have a sheet of paper in your hand when you walk around, and walk briskly. *Don't tell anyone you are doing this as a farce.* Take the time to write your emails and read them out loud before you send them. When you shake someone's hand, play a game where they have to let go before you do. My favorite was that I choose my email address to be firstname.middlename.lastname@company.com such that it caught ppl's eye when mass emails went out to the company. You can fake importance, particularly if the company is big enough.
Lastly, during the employment review, if there is any kind of grading system (even if its "did not meet / met / exceeded / greatly exceeded expectations"), it always matters *even when they say it doesn't*. So if you are asked how you feel you did, always respond with "greatly exceeded expectations" and a reason to justify it. Your supervisor typically won't be expecting you to state that on every mark, but if you are a good employee, he won't want to disappoint you with too many lower marks. The end result = you have the highest employee rating of the bunch, even if you aren't the best employee. When it gets crunched by the pencil pushers come raise time, you'll get the highest raise.
thismessismine: Why did you choose that e-mail? Just wondering why using your name was done to sound impressive. Thanks again, these tips are a bit strange to me but hopefully just the air of confidence some of them seem to provide will prove to be useful.
SolarWonk: I primarily choose it because I thought it was funny. I later realized it took up an entire line on Microsoft outlook when mass emails, such that it was noticeable amongst a long list of emails. Then I noticed my coworkers recognized my name when I was introduced, because they kept seeing my email address in their corporate-wide emails.
I wouldn't recommend it if you interface with the client a lot though.
thismessismine: When you use interface as a verb do you just mean e-mailing a certain person a lot? Haven't heard that term. That is a funny story though, one of those things you'd never think of until it happens. Thanks!
SolarWonk: Yes that is what I mean.
I have a weird hyphenated first name, which people always confuse as my middle name or last name. So when in employee orientation they told us we could pick our email address, and it could be in these formats, I confidently selected my whole name, with a bit of a shit-eating grin on my face.
I didn't realize at the time how mundane details become the little perks that get you through the day in megacorp. It took about a year before I began to introduce myself and people would get excited to put a face to the name/email address.
thismessismine: That's neat. My full name (well, first and last) are already included in my e-mail that I intend to use for professional purposes (at least, until I need to make another one to have a company e-mail address or something along those lines). But my name is also fairly unique. Hopefully somehow it is also memorable!
| 13 | 119.230769 | |
1394217632 | 1394222198 | t3_1zttpl | t5_2to41 | 137 | gerphq: TIFU by throwing up on my boss.
The best part of this story is that I am(was?) inches away from a pretty decent promotion.
Last night I got shitfaced. I bowl on Thursdays, and my buddies and I usually enjoy a few beers, but I guess I felt like letting loose a little bit, and we were also getting some free drinks and shots from the wait staff. Also, I had a designated driver, so everything fell into place to have a blast.
I was shitfaced at that level where you can't really see anything, and what you can see looks like the Milenium Falcon jumping into hyperdrive, while also spinning in a circle. Good times.
I got home and stumbled into bed. The world was spinning, I was doing everything I could to avoid having to throw up. I know some people would rather puke and feel better, but I just have an aversion to it and avoid it at all costs. Plus I didn't want to wake my wife up.
Fast forward to today. I of course woke up with a pretty nasty headache and some residual nausea, but I'm a grown up so a dragged myself out of bed and got to work on time. I was playing it safe. Had a few bites of toast. Alternated sipping water and gatorade, just trying to get things back to normal. I thought I had it under control.
At 9 I had a meeting with my boss and a couple of other fellows, discussing a pretty exciting opportunity that's coming my way which includes a promotion and a pretty significant raise. My boss was sitting at the head of a rounded off conference table. I was sitting next to him on one side, so we were in fairly close proximity. At some point, it started to hit me that I was not ok, and the hangover was making a strong comeback. I felt sick. I tried to power through and pay attention, and I just kept hoping this meeting would be over soon, because I was pretty sure I was going to have to hurl this poison out of me. Finally, my boss asked me a direct question. I turned to face him, and I opened my mouth to answer....and out of me erupted a wet death with the force of a fire hose. It was EXACTLY like something out of a movie. It looked fake as it happened, when I see it in my memories, it still looks fake. I absolutely destroyed the man who is in direct control of my financial future.
He left work to change and clean up. 4 Hours ago. I still haven't heard from him.
**tl;dr: I got way too drunk last night, and ended up puking all over my boss, and all over my professional future**
twiztedxtreme: Did anyone at work know you were hungover? You might be able to get away with it if you just tell your boss that it was a stomach bug, and you had no idea it was coming.
gerphq: Nobody important knew. I texted him apologies and told him basically what you said. That I felt fine and then all of a sudden in just happened. He still isn't back at work or replying to me at all. Very weird.
twiztedxtreme: Good luck, man. I'm crossing my fingers for you.
| 4 | 34.25 | |
1394221481 | 1394385017 | t3_1zu03b | t5_2to41 | 32 | Mateo89: Tifu with my Ambulance
So reddit, today I fucked up.
I work for a privately owned ambulance company that does non urgent transfers. Altho we have fully functional ambulances, we get the lights and sirens disconnected since we would never need to use them. But we recently received a new truck in our fleet and apparently this one still had functioning lights.
So here is where I fucked up. As I was leaving the hospital parking lot, my phone which was on the dash slid across and fell on the passenger side floor. No biggie, so I park the ambulance on the side and lean over to pick it up. I find my phone and proceed to my first intersection. As I'm pulling out, I notice a paramedic pointing repeatedly at my ambulance. At this point I'm a little confused but I keep going. Im starting to notice cars getting out of my way and once again I feel like something is wrong but I don't notice anything so I keep going.
Finally I pull up to a red light and as I'm waiting my turn I notice a cop rush in the intersection, slam on his breaks and aggressively motioning me to go. At this point I'm completely confused so I take my opportunity and go through the red. As I keep driving it dawns on me that my emergency strobe lights are on as well as my scene lights. My ambulance is pretty much lit up like a Christmas tree. Feeling like a complete idiot, I fumble around on the dash and turn all of my lights off.
Turns out when I reached over to get my phone I turned on every possible light that the ambulance had. Oops. Altho I feel like an idiot, Im just glad that the cop didn't know any better and didn't give me a ticket.
Tl:dr Ambulance lights on, no suppose to. Im an idiot.
Sgt_carbonero: EMT here, surprised you couldn't hear the all the mechanics behind the turning lights etc. it makes quite a bit of noise, especially if you are not use to hearing it. Not saying it didn't happen but something doesn't sound quite right here.
Mateo89: Thats not true at all. The truck in question is a 2009 chevy, its all electric. There isn't an actual rotating light like there is in the older trucks
Sgt_carbonero: Ok, ours is a 2006. Whether they rotate or not, I know ours makes a helluva noise that you can't ignore.
Mateo89: Ya our old ones are very loud when the rotators are on. This one is all LED's tho. Cant hear a thing
Sgt_carbonero: Copy that. One time we were driving through haight-ashbury district of SF and people were looking at us funny. One gave us the thumbs up. Turns out the pa was picking up our radio station, broadcasting at a low level. Embarrassing and funny!
| 6 | 5.333333 | |
1394229777 | 1394458279 | t3_1zudla | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by putting down wrong name on airline ticket.
I checked-in online for her today just to find out that instead of putting her marital surname, I put her maiden one. She is due to fly on a low-cost Ryanair in just 10 days and I feel so damn guilty for more or less wasting $200 of hers on what is now a useless ticket. Changing name would cost $180, and new tickets $185... Feck this shit. I feel so damn guilty and bad. This is also second time I have fucked up her journey (last time I booked wrong dates for her).
TL/DR: 2nd time fucked up my aunt's flight tickets and waste her money. Wrong surname.
Wombcorps:
I forget some people get married and change their names; all the girls in my family keep their surnames (if they get married that is) so it must be a pain the arse remembering which is which. Still it's an honest mistake, but have you tried calling the airline to ask if she can travel under her other surname?
[deleted]: I'll do that first thing in the morning (lines were closed when we called). knowing Ryanair they'll still charge us.
ichsagedir: Yeah that's a good source of money for them. I don't fly often but when I do I check the names 5 times because of this. Stupid that such a thing is even allowed and legal.
dangerouslyloose: No, what would be stupid is not requiring passengers' names on gov't ID to match up with their reservations.
ichsagedir: I don't mean the fact that a ticket is bound to a name. It's just dumb that it costs so much to change the name on a ticket.
dangerouslyloose: That's so hopefully people will double/triple check the name before they book a flight, thereby decreasing the workload of customer service reps.
I work in customer service and if I could charge for every time I have to deal with dumb shit like this, I would be snorting blow off the dashboard of my Bentley instead of taking the train to work this morning.
| 7 | 1.571429 | |
1394232802 | 1394256830 | t3_1zuigz | t5_2to41 | 8 | theyoungandthecuriou: TIFU By Potentially Sexually Harassing a Coworker
A coworker sent me an IM today asking for a DVD I promised to lend her. I told her that I had brought it but had left it out in my car. I then meant to type "give me a sec" but accidentally typed "give me a sex." I corrected myself with the little asterisk as millennials do. She did not mention it at all even when I went to give her the DVD. I hope she took as the honest mistake that it was and does not try to get me canned for sexual harassment.
(Sigh)
The plight of being a gay man in a postmodern society.
basswalk: X is right next to C on the keyboard. You'll be fine. Who says "give me a sex" anyway?
Csardonic1: People who want a sex.
basswalk: Your logic is irrefutable.
| 4 | 2 | |
1394247567 | 1394324134 | t3_1zv3cy | t5_2to41 | 229 | Kid0mega: TIFU by tampon bombing
Okay, I'm still mortified, but this is probably the biggest fuckup I've done in quite some time.
So, obviously I'm a girl, and I was on my period and in school and needed to change my tampon. So I usually have this routine where once I'm sitting, I take a bit of toilet paper and fold it over a bunch of times, put it on my leg, then take out the tampon and put it on the paper and roll it up and then dispose of it.
Well, this method has worked for years without fail, but not today. Today I place the tampon on my leg square and it proceeded to fall off. It hit the floor and hit at such an angle that it then proceeded to roll a little bit, directly into the stall next to me.
All I heard was a shriek, and then a "WHAT THE FUCK", and I was screaming sorry and trying to get a wad of paper to reach into the neighbouring stall and remove the bloody tampon from the floor and....
oh god, I stayed in the stall until the other chick left in a rage but if she ever figures out who I am I think I have to commit seppuku.
**TL;DR. dropped a used tampon into the neighbouring stall.**
nvrdefeat: Ummm, I'm a dude and even I know you can flush them.
Whats with putting it on your leg?
up_there: Wait until you have a girlfriend and she flushes tampons down your toilet! You will learn.
nvrdefeat: Been married for 7 years. We don't have a septic tank. Plus OP's post is regarding public area.
up_there: It's easy to assume but idk they put metal boxes for feminine product disposal in women's restrooms for a reason! They're not there for show. Most plumbing systems can't handle that many tampons being flushed. One is enough for a house to back up.
nvrdefeat: I've heard enough gross stories of what women are capable of doing to those boxes. Flush it in public. Trash it at home. But, what the hell I'm a dude, not my problem.
Lived in our home for 6 years. 1900's home, only have had to call the plumber once. But, that was only due to us living in the northern part of the Midwest.
up_there: That's crazy, but lucky you. I guess modern plumbing sucks. Tampons should be flushable just like TP though.
| 7 | 32.714286 | |
1394251329 | 1394343155 | t3_1zv81x | t5_2to41 | 20 | shippingfail: TIFU by shipping a sex toy to my conservative christian parent's house
So this is kind of a TIFU and kind of a plea for help...
A few days ago, my wife's vibrator broke again. I have played Mr. Electrician a few times and doctored it up again for her, but this time it was past repair.
So what do I do? get on amazon and make an order for a brand new shiny toy for the woman. Got a good deal and it should arrive in a few days. No problem, right?
Except there is. I went online to check up on it today. I grabbed the tracking number, went to open a new tab for the UPS site, then, out of the corner of my eye, I see it. I see the shipping address. The one that is my parents shipping address. That shipping address.
My wife's sex toy abomination is on a fast track for my conservative christian parents house and I don't know what to do.
[deleted]: whats the problem i dont think your parents will care since its your WIFES toy
manisier: A sex toy used for consensual sex between husband and wife? I don't know of many Christians, conservative or otherwise, who would object to that!
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1394252361 | 1394535177 | t3_1zv9aq | t5_2to41 | 11 | redwings784: TIFU, by getting to aggressive with my girlfriend in bed...
Happened last night. Well me and my girlfriend have been dating for a little bit now, and things have been getting a little more hot and heavy then before. Last night she was staying over my place when we decided to get a little naughty, we were making out, hands going all over the place... the whole 9 yards. I started to finger her and eat her out and she LOVED it, like it had never happened before. I noticed she was getting really wet, but thought nothing of it until after the fact. After we slowed down a bit she warned me that I got a little to vigorous with her and made her bleed from her lady parts. At that moment I got sick to my stomach as I have never been good with blood, but I didn't want to freak her out, or embarrass her, so I just ripped the covers with blood off of them and tossed them aside for the time being. I decided I better get up and wash myself off in the bathroom, and thats when the real horror came. I looked in the mirror and just see a red tint all around my face/lips and fingers. I started to get sick to my stomach and next thing I know, vomit everywhere. After I finished I had to go back and pretend like nothing happened... Never again
TL;DR- Got to aggressive with my girlfriend in bed, fingered her and ate her out with a bloody snatch.
Phoenicopteri: I feel like we need a verb for having a period. I propose perioding. For example: she just periodated in your mouth
courtoftheair: Menstruated.
siencs: You can't just make words up dude.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1394247537 | 1394289252 | t3_1zv3bc | t5_2to41 | -7 | LadyGrizabella: TIFU by stepping on the cat accidentally
So this morning, after hubby (who had the day off) took our son to school, I was cleaning the house as I usually do. I had plugged my earbuds in and was listening to a Star Trek podcast while I was sweeping and mopping our wood laminate floors. The cat, who is old and cranky, was laying directly in my path and I didn't see her.
Me: ::step::
Cat: WTF? YOU STOOPID HOOMAN HOW DARE YOU ASSAULT MY TAIL! FU! FFFFFFUUUUUU!
Me: Sorry, sweetie. I didn't see you.
Cat: ::gnaws on my ankle to remind me not to do it again::
Phoenicopteri: Best part of this, assuming you're not gay which there's nothing wrong with, is that you're a girl that listens to Star Trek podcasts
LadyGrizabella: Oh..not gay. Not even remotely. XD I've been a Star Trek fan since about birth. My mom's first husband (my biological father) actually *left the delivery room* to watch a TOS re-run while my mom was shoving my oversized head out of her undersized birth canal.
I also write for a Trek fansite (www.trekmate.org.uk). :-)
| 3 | -2.333333 | |
1394253098 | 1394393638 | t3_1zva4y | t5_2to41 | 149 | ifuckedup_ifuckedup: TIFU by letting my friend give me a handjob and masturbating together
Tonight I got drunk and (horny and wanting to please) let my friend who A) has never had sex and B) is probably gay, give me a handjob and we masturbated to porn together... Fuck fuck fuck. I have a girlfriend, I know this guy, though he's a good friend, has had romantic feelings toward me. We've kept it platonic. I haven't touched him. I shouldn't have let him touch me. It was immature, inconsiderate, and I feel really really guilty about it.
SuggestiveMaterial: dude.. let it go. Seriously. Don't tell your girlfriend because then all you're doing is alleviating your own guilt while hurting her, and that's not worth it.
Have a frank discussion with your friend and just tell him that while it was fun, it won't happen again and that you're embarrassed by it all and would rather forget it ever happened.
Then move on with your life. It isn't that big of a deal unless you make it a big deal.
forzanapoli: How is this shit getting upvotes? You tell your girlfriend because you just cheated on her and she deserves to know so she can decide what she wants to do about it.
SuggestiveMaterial: -sigh- Do whatever you want OP. Tell her... or don't. But remember you're only hurting her by doing it.
forzanapoli: You don't get to decide what's good for someone else. Being in a relationship is about full disclosure, not using bullshit excuses about protecting the other person bc you're too much of a pussy to take responsibility for what you did.
OpinionToaster: And you do? You're doing the same thing, but on a different side.
forzanapoli: How?
OpinionToaster: You're saying to tell her, thus deciding what's good for someone else.
forzanapoli: No that's not deciding what's good for someone else. When you do something against your partner, they deserve to know, that's it.
| 9 | 16.555556 | |
1394257941 | 1394258803 | t3_1zvfm0 | t5_2to41 | 51 | Semyonov: TIFU Brother Edition: My brother works at a BMW dealer and put a whole in the side of a $95,000 BMW 650. Picture in text.
[Not much I can say about this other than he really fucked up.](http://i.imgur.com/BoiMjtl.jpg)
He's a lot tech and apparently took a corner too sharply.
Oops.
Apparently the repairs were upwards of $4k.
And yes, somehow he still has his job.
esychz: If everyone lost their job for making one mistake no one would have a job.
Semyonov: True, true. Though this is a pretty big mistake.
esychz: It's a product like anything else. I'm sure he got razzed by his bosses and co-workers but the truth is I'm sure BMW expects a certain amount damage every year and can easily cover their losses. Still, he's gonna be "that guy" for a while!
| 4 | 12.75 | |
1394263758 | 1394296339 | t3_1zvl78 | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU for lying to my rotc officer
WPBDoc: Sounds like to me that you deserve what you've got coming to you...
tifu2013: Right? This guy "3 semesters on probation" and flat out lying to his instructor come on man You don't just tell them what you think they want to hear. Tell them the truth.
| 3 | 2 | |
1394279928 | 1394349704 | t3_1zvwr1 | t5_2to41 | 32 | i_spin_bubbles: Tifu by leaving my window open while putting a cup into the dishwasher
About three months ago I got two cats who live indoor because my apartment is on the fifth floor downtown in a city. My room has three big windows right next to each other so there is one long window ledge. I opened the left window to let some fresh air in. I always pay attention so that the cats won't go near the open window.
But today my worst fears happened. I went into the kitchen to put my things into the dishwasher. The cats followed me so I thought everything was fine. When I turned back around after putting my things into the dishwasher the cats were gone. I immediately went back into my room but it was already too late.
One of the cats had already walked on the bench on the outside to the right window.The cat saw me and tried turning around but couldn't. When I wanted to open the right window the cat was startled from the noise and fell down onto the pavement. I heard him crying as he landed, I closed the window and rushed downstairs.
He was bleeding out of his mouth and couldn't walk. I took him, fetched the cat basket and took a cab to the vet.
First they said he's not in a life threatening condition. Then they examined him further and found out that from the impact the heart had pushed into the lungs and some alveole had burst. Plus, he has a small inner bleeding which they try stopping first. He is now in a oxygen chamber with an infusion. When he's stabalized they will try to fix his dislocated leg. Fml.
Photo from yesterdays fortune cookie: I trust my shirt more. http://i.imgur.com/1GDqQxr.jpg Maybe my life would be easier if I wasn't such a retard.
kerrylouise: My mums kitten fell from a window two stories up and she only broke her two front teeth. I dont know how it wasnt worse! Cats are hardy and I hope your little one recovers soon!
PixelOrange: [This is why it wasn't worse](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cat_righting_reflex)
i_spin_bubbles: While my cat proofed tbis to be true, there is another factor that works against this: The reflex to hang onto what they're falling from. My parents' cat came home one day with a dislocated front leg and the claws were missing. They had to remove the leg. But she's just fine without it. Cats truly are amazing. [Here she is when she met my little boy for the first time](http://i.imgur.com/rkOGVIe.jpg) And [here](http://i.imgur.com/V9bwfyL.jpg) not too long after the removal
PixelOrange: Woah, why'd they have to remove the leg after a dislocation? Poor kitty.
My flesh has been a testament to cats clinging to the object they're falling from. I love cats, but damnit they are assholes sometimes.
i_spin_bubbles: The fibres (is that the right term?) were damaged too much and it would have caused her too much pain trying to restore them with many expensive operations. The vet said cats can cope easily with a missing front leg and he was absolutely right.
PixelOrange: Wow, that's really interesting.
Glad the cat made a good recovery! I've always found it fascinating how animals can walk with a missing leg and almost no limp or anything. They even run.
i_spin_bubbles: Well she hops more than walks. My cats really like to watch her hopping around. But she cst climb the stairs just fine and everything. Glad it's not a back leg because this way she can still jump (to a medium height)
| 8 | 4 | |
1394285070 | 1394314513 | t3_1zw0oc | t5_2to41 | 519 | chisholmmmmm: TIFU by forgetting my wallet at home
Long story short, I had to take the SAT today, I've been prepping for a month, all for me to fucking forget my wallet at home, meaning I had no photo id on my person, so I just wasted a ton of money and time all for nothing. Great.
TheCoconutCookie: Well on the bright side, you'll get to take the way easier one in 2015 :P
chisholmmmmm: I'm a junior, I have to take it sometime this calendar year
kakakrabbypatty: I feel you bro... Taking it in June.
ilikeeatingbrains: How is June, by the way?
kakakrabbypatty: I'm not sure I get the joke, if there is one.
ilikeeatingbrains: ~~Read your sentence as June being a person~~
sex
~~On a sidenote, I like months of the year as names for kids. I wond~~
kakakrabbypatty: Oh I get it. Meh, kind of like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.
ilikeeatingbrains: Is it a tasty hot dog?
Saicotic: Taste it and find out
| 10 | 51.9 | |
1394304795 | 1394398032 | t3_1zwojy | t5_2to41 | 9 | Archdemonic: TIFU, WE MESSED WITH FIRE... Yeah, Bad Idea... REAL Bad Idea.
My friend and I were bored, so we decided to play around with a lighter and an aerosol can. **Inside** I don't know why we thought this was a good idea. Anyway, we had some fun with that, and then my friend had the **brilliant** idea of, **"Dude dude dude, put the lighter behind my ass, I got to fart, it will be** ***awesome***
Well, it wasn't awesome and his pants lit on fire and he was screaming and eventually we got it out **but there was a huge hole where the seat of his pants should be** and well, we didn't mess with fire after that.
According to him, "Those were a good pants, bro, oh snap I felt it on my nutsack oh damn that was scary, bro."
So, yeah, TIFU
Defiant_Tomato: Have you tried putting deodorant on your hand then setting it alight? So long as you put it out quick enough it's pretty cool.
Archdemonic: That sounds like a bad idea, no offense, but I'd rather keep my hand intact.
Defiant_Tomato: In all fairness I sat next to a running tap. My friends didn't.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1394323417 | 1394407340 | t3_1zxfo4 | t5_2to41 | 160 | dailyspecialcase: TIFU by jumping to conclusions
I had to drop something off at my best friend's apartment. I was just planning on leaving it on his doorstep, since I knew he and his wife would be at work since it was the middle of a weekday. I didn't even bother knocking.
Then I heard a crashing noise. Now in my defense, there had been break-ins in his neighborhood before, and he and I both have jobs that involve working with criminals, so that kind of stuff is never far from my mind.
So I throw upon the unlocked door. And no, it wasn't a burglar. It was my best friend and his wife. Having sex. On the kitchen table. At 11am on a Thursday.
He just kind of looked shell-shocked, but she called me a fucking moron and a dickwad who should use the fucking bell.
But as she's my sister, I felt justified in calling her a bitch who obviously needed to get laid.
And then I left. And I'm never going to be able to eat dinner at their place again. And I've seen both of them naked. And I can no longer pretend that they live a life of celibacy.
i_spin_bubbles: >But as she's my sister
Wow that info came unexpected.
dailyspecialcase: Yeah, I was trying to figure out how to work that in, but it's too much of a nice little plot twist to mention from the start.
i_spin_bubbles: I'ld say: Job well done!
[deleted]: I'll... I'd... Fuck it I'm going with I'ld!
i_spin_bubbles: Sorry I'm not a native english speaker.
[deleted]: Oh, I thought it was just a typo. Yeah, they're separate words and don't go together. Don't worry, you're doing quite well.
KingLuciusOdell: Unless I'ld means "I would"....
feex3: No, I'd means I would...
KingLuciusOdell: Yes. Yes. I know. But maybe that's what they were thinking when they typed it. I don't know. I was just trying to make it make sense..
| 10 | 16 | |
1394328231 | 1394395672 | t3_1zxm4g | t5_2to41 | 1,146 | JacqueHammer: TIFU by getting lost enroute to take SAT, ending up shitting my pants during first section.
I had to take the SAT this morning at a school I had never been to, i showed up about 5 minutes before the test was about to begin and didn't have time to go to the bathroom before starting the test. About 10minutes into the test my belly started to rumble, the proctor would not let me leave. Five minutes later I unloaded a horrendous shit in my pants. Luckily it was more solid than wet. I had to sit there until the first break, not only did I ruin the test for myself but I am sure the other 30 kids in that room had to smell it. I cleaned it as best as I could during the break and got some dirty looks when we returned to finish the test.
spacepuppy69: ... Man, so many of you have fucked up SAT stories...
gcar1013: Yea I'm getting old too
spacepuppy69: Hahaha I did ACT instead of SATs.
[deleted]: Yea, the SATs are dumbing it down now. Changing things back to 1600 scale and making it more "high school friendly". I personally remember doing okay on it, probably not well enough to get into the school I was accepted into(I had a high GPA). I'm in Veterinary school now and I feel like that test proved nothing of my ability to do undergraduate work. I had to take the GRE(college SAT) for vet school and did alright on it, luckily, I had experience and a pretty good Science GPA. The GRE doesn't have a science section, which makes no sense for a school that is science based(Vet school). I think the ACT is a better test overall, it covers more subjects and not just math + verbal.
spacepuppy69: See, I know virtually nothing about the SAT, no one in my area takes it. ACT, however, is massively used, and of course sucked. I scored a 23 with no studying, higher than average but not by much (scale is to 36). It would have been much higher, but I tanked math and science (18 and 20 respectively, I believe). English and reading were 27 and thirty, which was nice. I wish I had studied. I had an awful GPA though (too many brains, too little fucks given), my school counselor almost accused me of cheating. "How is it possible to have this bad of grades but this high of an ACT score?" I told him that I was secretly smart but would appreciate it if he didn't tell anyone.
rh1n0: ....yeah that's not a high score on the ACT
noodles123: Well, it's not, but technically he is right about being above average. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure average is 19-21
rh1n0: Yeah but the average is like manufactured, the average for college acceptance is like between 28-30.
iamesauce: ...maybe to a T-50 university, most shitter schools will happily scarf down a 23
rh1n0: UC Davis: 30.7%
UCSB: 28.6%
UC Berkeley: 11.5%
That's the percentage of applicants with an ACT score between 21-25 that actually got into the school.
iamesauce: my point still entirely stands; they're all in the top ~50 nationwide
look at schools like SDSU or shitty publics/privates where a vast majority of kids end up going
| 12 | 95.5 | |
1394344816 | 1394454644 | t3_1zy6h8 | t5_2to41 | 30 | tubbybubbler: TIFU by stealing a haircut and cutting off a co-workers debit card.
So yesterday a co-worker and I had lunch at a local restaurant. We both paid with our debit cards, and we both have the same bank and our cards are almost identical. Usually I can tell my card apart from other peoples, bc mine is trashed, but in this instance, his was too.
Fast forward a few hours. I go get a haircut. I pay credit. No problem. Then I go to the mall to get a pair of pants. I attempt to pay debit twice and my card is declined twice. I am only slightly embarrassed bc I know I have enough money in my account. So I tell the cashier that I am going to go to the ATM and just pull out cash and I'll be back.
So I go to the ATM and attempt to pull out cash and it tells me after the first try "pin attempts exceeded, please contact your financial institution." At this point I am kind of aggravated and nervous that someone has stolen my info, so I immediately call my bank.
After a brief hold the nice young lady comes on and we try to straighten it out. She asked if it is my bank card ending in xxxx? Since I don't have my bank card memorized I ask her to hold while I check. I say, no mam, it's my bank card ending in yyyy. She apologizes and says I do not have a bank card ending in that number. Now at this point I am flustered and not thinking clearly and I tell her, "look I am looking right at my card and it ends in yyyy!" It is about that time that my eyes glance over to the name on the card... Apparently the lovely server at the restaurant switched our cards. I say a few obscenities under my breath and explain the situation to the lady on the phone and apologize.
To make matters worse my co-worker did not know his phone password so he had to get a new bank card mailed to him. I made it up to him by taking him out to the bar, but I still feel kinda shitty. I also feel kind of stupid for not looking at the name sooner, but hey, I had no reason to believe there was anyone else's card in my wallet!
PixelOrange: The only mess up here was that you didn't look at your card when you got it back but I would bet not many people look to make sure their name is right.
Ultimately, the server was not careful. It's as much their fault as it is yours.
ItsAFiasco: That's certainly a convenient excuse for not being attentive to what you're doing
sdubstko: There is no personal accountability here. Be gone with your 'common sense' and 'critical thinking' bullshit, faggot.
| 4 | 7.5 | |
1394350194 | 1394663709 | t3_1zybep | t5_2to41 | 50 | [deleted]: TIFU by going to work when I shouldn't have.
Not a throwaway, no real shame since I learned a lesson.
I went to sleep last night knowing I was in for the evil cold that my SO has had for the last few days. It's short but it's powerful and snot flows freely where it may, namely down my throat.
I woke up with a splitting headache, horrible snotty stuffy nose and a nagging cough. I spent the whole day psyching myself up for a very short shift. "Its only 4 hours, grab some DayQuil when you get there, smile through the pain!"
I arrived at work on time, took some pills and hoped that they would at least help a small amount. Wrong. I spent my first hour beginning tasks and having to stop in the middle because I was getting too hot to move. Fever. Probably not a good idea to be working at a pharmacy around people with compromised immune systems and what have you. I should have taken that as a sign to ask to leave, but no, I chugged water and hoped for the best.
I had about an hour left, I started coughing, then I couldn't stop coughing. Then I peed my pants. In my words to my supervisor, "Not full on, but enough to count." Thankfully she let me leave and I went home, showered and have been watching HGTV.
lemonsmakesugar: Unless you have your own closed door office, you're an asshole for going to work sick.
I_love_pens: I talked to one lost customer and my supervisor, I expected not to talk to anyone. If you want to tell me I'm an asshole for being broke and hungry, go ahead. I called in sick today, I made a mistake that I'm obviously not going to make again.
lemonsmakesugar: Nobody wants to be there, that's given. But what about the other people who are working their asses off and then are forced to be in close proximity to a person wreaking sick on them? What are they going to do? As the healthy person, yes, I am going to be selfish and not want to be sick. You wanted to get paid and made the selfish decision that you didn't give a fuck about anyone else. That's being an asshole.
I_love_pens: I'm having a hard time understanding what you're trying to tell me that I don't know. I clearly acknowledged that I fucked up, I posted this in *Today I Fucked Up.* It's not as though I'm personally advocating going to work ill.
I was expecting a bit of chiding, but I don't know what you're trying to tell me, other than that I'm apparently an asshole and don't give a fuck about anyone else for making one bad decision that I clearly learned from. I'm sure you've never done anything without a complete thorough assessment of any and all possibilities of error. Top comment did a pretty good job of saying what I think you're trying to.
lemonsmakesugar: You are correct, I take it back. I haven't actually looked into what your line of work is and was making assumptions that might be not wholly justified. I am also extremely guilty of doing stupid things without thinking through the consequences. I suppose I was projecting my harbored bitterness against my own coworker onto you. Indeed you did post in TIFU and, even though your post didn't display any element of awareness for others, perhaps didn't deserve my comment. I hope you are on the mend.
| 6 | 8.333333 | |
1394358100 | 1394500800 | t3_1zyh7o | t5_2to41 | 52 | lorenzo22: TIFU by lighting the grill with the lid on, then up.
Yeah, in a hurry to start grilling the chicken because the in-laws were over, turned on the gas grill burners with the lid closed. Got distracted, 2 minutes later I went to hit the light button. Opened the lid first because that's what I normally do.....
FOOOMPH! I yelled and jumped back. Lightly singed one arm's hair off, and caught the outer edges of my eyebrows. Not too bad, but my eyebrows have frosted looking tips now.
borediswhyimhere: Dat burnt hair smell.
lorenzo22: I felt it added a certain charm to the dinner.
borediswhyimhere: It's much easier to enjoy the flavor and smells of food when there is a horrible smell to compare it to.
Cougs67: Which is why the best seats in a restaurant are right next to the bathrooms, right?
borediswhyimhere: Also why I take my food to go and eat right beside hobos.
| 6 | 8.666667 | |
1394361384 | 1394395285 | t3_1zyj8w | t5_2to41 | 8 | TheIlluminaughty: TIFU by napping with my boyfriend
My boyfriend and I have yet to introduce each other to our families although they know of each other's existence. Thus, when I go over to his place, usually it is when his mom isn't home (dad has passed RIP), while his grandparents are in a separate part of the house with a door in between.
Now, his room. It's more like a portion of a mainly unused living room blocked off by those Chinese thin paper wall things. So, not exactly a room but hey we have a door separating us from the remaining living beings on the house right?
Just to clarify, napping here means really napping (snoring, drooling, kicking each other etc).
Now, the TIFU part...
He had a mild fever this morning and took some Tylenol that made him drowsy. So after he put on a movie for me to watch (IP MANNN VIRGINITY TAKEN!), he proceeded to pass the fuck out. I'm watching this awesome movie for the very first time oh do very intrigued. Then, I heard the door knob rattle... Now I had time to hide myself except his "room" didn't have a full length closet so I just ducked under the thick blankets. Normally, I sleep on the inside but, for movie's sake, today I did not.
Footsteps... Shuffling closer.... Shit... Will she come in? Oh fuck she's right beside the bed... Oh fuck she's leaning OVER the bed... WAIT PAUSE STAHP. WHERE THE FUCK IS MY BRA... Oh fuck oh fuck... She's... Speaking?.... What... -insert Cantonese words- (I'm mandarin so I don't really understand a thing she's saying)... Is she talking to me? ME?! MEEEEE?!?!?! SHE KNOWS OH FUCK SHE KNOWS!!! GRANDMAMAMAMMAA KNOWSSSSS. Wait, does she? She talks to herself a lot too... Or is she talking to my boyfriend? Maybe she's worried if he still has a fever or not... OMG I SEE HER HAND... I SEE HER HAND... WHY... GRANDMAMAMA KNOWS!!!! Oh... She's feeling his forehead... HER HAND IS GONE... WHERE!!! Oh... She's leaving... YES SHE'S LEAVING... Damn she walks slow... ITS SO STUFFY I CANT BREATHE AND THIS BIZARRE THING JUST HAPPENED... I NEED TO LAUGH... Almost at the door... Aaaaaalmoooostttt... -SLAMS- Oh... My bra is under me... Phew at least she didn't see that...
TL;DR: I may or may not have met my boyfriend's grandma through a thick blanket...
everybody0523: I'm sorry, but the random caps locks make this almost impossible to read.
TheIlluminaughty: Oh I was on my phone while I typed this and couldn't figure out the formatting. Will edit when I get on my laptop. Sorry! The caps part is me freaking out in my head
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1394374134 | 1394408473 | t3_1zysg7 | t5_2to41 | 409 | nessonic: TIFU by vigorously digging into my girlfriend's asscrack
So sometimes when I wake up while sleeping and I'm cold, I reach over and grab her leg to wrap mine around for warmth if she's facing me.
She wasn't facing me.
Thus, in my half awake state I'm wondering what's stopping my hand from going further and grabbing her thigh, until she started screaming, "That's my buttcrack!!"
flippycakes: This isn't a TIFU. We all clicked on this link expecting a horrible revelation or event, such as a fountain of diarrhea.
[deleted]: A subreddit dedicated to awful shit stories.
Darthblaker7474: That would be /r/4chan
Extramrdo: #shotsfired #rekt 11/10 tree fiddy
EDIT: So today I learned how to bold text.
LockeNCole: Next week, line break!
Extramrdo: Or maybe
right now.
No?
Rats.
EDIT: So one enter on my phone won't do it, only two.
LockeNCole: Two spaces for a line break, two carriage returns for a paragraph break
| 8 | 51.125 | |
1394373045 | 1394488453 | t3_1zyrhg | t5_2to41 | 41 | BroseidonSirF: TIFU by setting my alarm clock.
I have a piano evaluation in Princeton today. It's an hour drive, so I decided if I needed to be there for my performance at 10 AM I should be up by 830.
My alarm clock didn't change with daylight saving's time.
It's 9:50 right now.
I'm not in Princeton right now.
asdeqw: Oh look at mister high-stepping hoity toity /u/BroseidonSirF bragging about his schooling in Princeton town! Why don't you go shove that Ivy League somewhere Brown?
On a serious note, fuck daylight savings time.
PassivePandas: I'm assuming you tried, but never got accepted to any Ivy League schools. Stop being so butt hurt and malicious.
CowboyontheBebop: I'm assuming it was a joke in bad taste
| 4 | 10.25 | |
1394376276 | 1394406351 | t3_1zyui6 | t5_2to41 | 3 | 1fish10fish: TIFU by being <5 minutes late for a United Airlines flight
It's daylight savings day, and I'm apparently the only one on this side of the Mississippi who uses a non-internet alarm clock and forgot to consult the almanac. I got to watch the last people board for my flight *and* the stand-bys get on too. I was on my way to an interview. :( I was on my way and called United to say I *might* miss the flight, and the lady went ahead and canceled my sea t! Unfortunately, the other flights are full and the attendant can't do anything. (However, he was snarky enough to mention that he **could** put me on another airline's flight, but **would not** because I was late.) Even more unfortunately, I am on standby behind the half-dozen people who missed their flights yesterday, so there's no chance of making it. Q_Q
Lessons learned
1. Always book southwest over united airlines. (I've heard their flight attendants are nicer, have not personally tested though.)
2. PSA: United airlines requires you to be there 10 minutes before flight departure, so never count on the boarding time buffer, or you're shit out of luck!
3. Don't book United Airlines
barnacledoor: You could've checked in online up to 24 hours before. Then, you just walk in with your luggage and you're done. This has been around for years. You can't really blame United for this one at all.
1fish10fish: I checked in online the day before. I got to the gate before they finished boarding passengers in my group, and still lost my seat to a standby.
barnacledoor: This really doesn't make any sense. It also makes no sense for you to call them and tell them you might not make it.
1fish10fish: Yep, if this ever happens again (this was the first!) I won't call if Theres a good chance I can get to the gate 10 minutes before the plane departs. I got the advice to call from a google search that turned up travel advice. I had a hell of a hard time understanding the agent on the phone (heavy accent) and the call got disconnected halfway through.
| 5 | 0.6 | |
1394401072 | 1394406128 | t3_1zztza | t5_2to41 | 9 | Quesoforever: TIFU by syncing my photos to my phone
Long story short I syncd my google plus account to my new phone and it syncd some old nudes and I cant delete them. Help is appreciated!
TL; DR syncd nudes onto my brand new phone
Natanael85: So the nudes synced from google to the phone? I expected the other way around.
Quesoforever: So did I
| 3 | 3 | |
1394401316 | 1394422631 | t3_1zzudf | t5_2to41 | 1,209 | strugglingstomach: TIFU by jizzing on my new mechanical keyboard and breaking it
I hadn't jerked off in a few days and I shot farther than I thought it was going to go. Some of it went past the tissue I laid out and landed in between 5 keys on my 1 month old $150 mechanical keyboard and immediately it started to act strange. Certain buttons no longer work and pressing some buttons cause the keyboard to shut down entirely. I tried cleaning it but so far it's still broken. I'm going to submit a RMA request tomorrow but for now I can't use my desktop without a working keyboard. This might be the most expensive jizz I've ever had if I have to replace the keyboard with another one.
God dammit...
Darkimmortal: Flush it out with distilled water or something similar
Wish I'd done that immediately when I spilled a pot noodle in my mechanical, it was never the same again even after taking it apart and oiling the switches etc
robotortoise: A....pot noodle? So, like a noodle made with marijuana instead of wheat?
EDIT: Nevermind.
BlackInkDream: No, just normal noodles. It's a convenience food in the UK (and possibly other places). You just pour hot water into a small plastic pot full of noodles and flavourings
ProjectileMenstruati: Australian confirming Pot Noodles. And if Pot Noodles are allowed to exist then Vegemite can too.
jyhwei5070: I brought marmite back from the UK but I have yet to open it.... do I just put in on toast?
G4M3R_117: Marmite aint the same as Vegemite my friend. But yeah, just put it on some toast/english muffins. Some people like butter, others don't but you'll find out if you even like it at all pretty soon!
jyhwei5070: yeah, I know they're different but I do know both are intensely salty, yeast extract spreads, no?
G4M3R_117: Yep, I know for me it was one of those nasty things called acquired taste. So do be ready for you to take a bite and spit it out so fast you break all the laws of physics.
Its oddly addicting to try again though, took me a while but now I eat Vegemite/Marmite all the damn time.
BytusMaximus: From jizzing on keyboards to where to put marmite. I love you, reddit.
CodeMonkeys: Now, does Marmite make good lube?
Dunkindonuts64: I wonder where it is on a scale of water to mayo..
| 12 | 100.75 | |
1394407321 | 1394461673 | t3_2003p7 | t5_2to41 | 48 | drphilthy: TIFU by cutting my ball sack with scissors.
This was a few days ago but appropriate.
Tuesday night I had a lady friend coming over and I decided I would trim my hedges a bit as they were bushy as shit. I told her to give me an hour heads up so I could trim, shower, and finish off this homework I had to do. I get the text from her and get to work. Standing over the toilet like I'm straddling a horse, I begin chopping away (quick clean up yo). I always try to take my time with this shit because I've gotten impatient before. Anyways I'm halfway done, snipping away and sure enough, slice! It was the smallest nick and it bled like a head wound. I panicked and decided to hop into the shower, praying that I could wash the blood from my sack and maybe somehow get this fucker to stop bleeding. The amount of time I spent in the shower I managed to miss finishing my homework, and have a girl show up to a ball sack with a scab on it and half trimmed pubes.
FredlyDaMoose: Did you at least hit that?
narnold10485: Asking the important questions here.
HaterSandwich: We need to know
Byrdboy: I don't think OP will deliver... I'm holding out though.
drphilthy: I did deliver, thankfully my wound didn't.
| 6 | 8 | |
1394406730 | 1394491503 | t3_2002ro | t5_2to41 | 150 | Mordit: TIFU by hanging out with a disabled friend
So, I was back in town and my mom invited me to hangout with her physically disabled friend "soandso". Now it's important to mention soandso is an amputee. She had her left leg entirely removed after a horrible car crash she was in when she was 19 that took the life of three of her friends. This is VERY important to remember. before we hung out the first thing my mom said to me was "now remember, she is very sensitive about her leg and has problems moving around sometimes. so make sure to move around slowly, and be careful about some of the jokes you tell." Instantly, that was the worst thing she could have said. It's like being told not to look down. So, after a fun day of eating and walking around and doing whatever we decided to call it a night, so on the drive home we hit the highway which was absolutely PACKED, just traffic. Finally we maneuvered our way through and noticed there had been a car accident. The car goes a bit quiet and some awkwardness fills the air...and I was the only one who didn't notice. Soandso started talking about how "she hopes they're all right" and that started the conversation. Without thinking my brain takes a verbal shit and my mouth spits out "Man, I hope no one died or anything. like just limbs flying everywhere, that would be terrible" Fucking, crisp, frozen solid air filled the car. like sound just decided to not exist. I realized what I said and instantly clenched my sphincters. The car ride home was absolutely silent. we said our "good nights" and I never mentioned it again hoping no one noticed what I said.
TL;DR talked about flying limbs and car crashes next to an amputee missing a limb who had been in a car crash
porcia918: >I realized what I said and instantly clenched my sphincter
Have you unclenched yet?
Mordit: well, to sum it up, if you have a bag of coal you could use my anus as a diamond machine
porcia918: I can get coal - get your ass over here.
heathenyak: I have coal
porcia918: I have an ass.
EDIT: But, not a special diamond-making ass like his.
| 6 | 25 | |
1394411621 | 1394513242 | t3_200a63 | t5_2to41 | 65 | nasua: TIFU by poisoning myself with nicotine
On Friday, I decided to try an electronic cigarette. Little did I know that e-cigs can deliver more nicotine than standard cigarettes but have a slower absorption rate. I kept dragging and dragging at it. When I went to bed, I wasn't feeling all that great.
Saturday was one of the worst days of my life. I woke up, and the room was spinning. I was completely off balance and feeling like shit. I was breaking out in a cold sweat and could barely move. I finally made my way to the bathroom, wondering whether if I was having a stroke. Then... I threw up. I puked out a thick, dark yellow paste that was saturated with the horrible, bitter taste of nicotine. At that moment, it all made sense. I had all the symptoms of tobacco poisoning. The next 12 hours were a nightmare of dizziness, vomiting and physical discomfort. I was so nauseated that I could not even drink water.
I can't explain how harrowing the ordeal was. One thing is for certain: I am never using any nicotine products ever again. I have heard how 50 mg of nicotine can kill a man of my size, but until yesterday, I had not fully realized what a potent poison nicotine really is.
TL;DR: Abused an e-cigarette, suffered 12 hours of pain.
ThatOneFace: If you like hitting e-cigs, but don't want the nicotine, they make non-nicotine vaporizing pens.
Same concept as an e-cigs, but with flavored water vapor.
nasua: Thanks, but I don't see the point. It's like drinking alcohol free beer. I don't want to go back to cigarettes, and I'm pretty much done with e-cigs.
Cougs67: You could get a vape pen (g pens work, I use a pulsar stylus and am very satisfied with it) and put hash oil in, if you're a fellow ganja connoisseur (honey comb is my favorite, but good shatter is amazing as well). It won't be lacking in potency. You can hit it pretty much anywhere without detection, and you don't need a torch or anything fancy to consume the oil. The taste is amazing as well (if you can get good quality oil.)
Insatiable_Krill_Bat: I know a lot of people who think these pens don't leave a significant odor, but this is not the case. Be careful out there, don't get arrested.
Cougs67: The main difference is the smell doesn't linger like smoke does. It's also a different smell, since you aren't burning or vaporizing all that plant matter anymore, just the THC. If you get good, clean oil, the smell isn't very detectable. If you get low grade stuff, then yeah it could have a funkier smell. I live in WA, so pretty much the worst the police will do around here is tell you "hey stop doing that in the open." I love legalization
Insatiable_Krill_Bat: You lucky bastard. Where I live the worse thing they'll do is read you your Miranda rights before fucking you nice and hard and then sending pics to their drinking buddies.
Cougs67: Shit man, I'm guessing somewhere in the Midwest or South? I've heard that there are some ridiculous laws in some of those areas as far as weed goes. I heard in Texas that if you're caught with a small amount of weed, you could face something like 180 days in jail
Insatiable_Krill_Bat: In all honesty you probably wouldn't do jail time here (georgia) but you still get fisted up the ass. Think DUI style consequences. If you get caught twice or with two bags/a scale (distribution) then you can hope for a ridiculously hardcore drug court instead of jail time.
Cougs67: Well, it could be worse, but that still sucks. Here's hoping that our country stops being so needlessly hard on non-violent people that just want to relax and have fun
InoShikaTroll: I uptoked you both to bring you back to a neutral [1]. Fckin DEA redditors.
Cougs67: Thanks man. I think it's kind of sad that someone is so bigoted that they will downvote any mention of the reefer
| 12 | 5.416667 | |
1394413996 | 1394423789 | t3_200dqi | t5_2to41 | 67 | galacticfish: TIFU by pissing all over myself, the toilet, wall and floor mat.
This happened a couple nights ago. The wife and I were craving some BBQ for dinner. I'm normally picky about where I get BBQ because it can be really hit or miss, but we opted to try a new place out. The ribs and pulled pork we ate were tasty but a little fatty. I also had to wash it down with a lot of beer and water because the sauce was way too spicy. On the way home I felt my stomach start to get bubbly and gassy. I also felt a monster piss building up from all the drinks I had. Anyone who takes blood pressure meds knows just how urgent and strong the need to take a piss can get! So my wife races us home, where I get to the toilet, lift the seat up and start relieving myself via the "flap" in my standard run-of-the-mill underwear. Just as I start taking a piss, I begin to let a fart out to relieve the gas building in my stomach. Thing is, it wasn't a fart but a poop (and an explosive one at that) that was clawing at my butthole to get out! Like a slow motion scene, I had a split second to take action. Either I shit myself standing up, or I pull down my underwear mid-piss and get pee all over myself. To try and clench my butt to hold back the explosive shit that was coming wasn't an option, because it was too forceful. To try and stop mid-piss wasn't an option because then I would lose what little control I had of my butthole (which was all that was stopping the dam from breaking). So all I could do was pull my underwear down and let what was going to happen.. happen. With the precision of a Jason Bourne fighting scene, I began to pull down my underwear with one hand, while using my other to throw down the toilet seat. At the same time I began to rotate my body to position my ass over the seat, while bending my legs into a sitting position. Bending down to sit meant that I was going to lose all control over holding in what was wanting to get out! Meanwhile the pee was still streaming out and it sprayed into my underwear, hit the wall next to the toilet and finally got all over the toilet seat and floor mat as I sat down. The finish was an explosive watery mix of shit that violently rushed out my body and sprayed liquid from the toilet back up on to my ass. It was one of the few moments as a man that I wanted to cry.
Jereeeeemy: Should have just grabbed your dick and held it shut.
Pyramat: I'm always afraid my dick's gonna explode when I try that.
[deleted]: Yeah, that's not how anatomy works.
| 4 | 16.75 | |
1394414143 | 1394421137 | t3_200dyn | t5_2to41 | 5 | Yolkley: TIFU: by smoking weed in my friends garage
my friend and I bought some weed and started to smoke it (outside) so then we went inside and sat on our asses for a while because we were high as fuck) my friend got this stupid idea to smoke the rest of the weed in his garage using an apple bong so we went into his garage (this is were his dad smokes cigarettes) and brought a pillow to breathe into,we start taking hits and then my friends dad calls my friend's name and he goes to the garage door.my other friend (the one with the apple bong walks to the door to investigation (with the apple bong in his hand)
and his dad asks what the apple is and he said he said he was eating it and takes a bite out of it.
and then we casualy walk back to my friends room and we all talk about how fucked we were
Offensive_Bastard: Follow up???? Im dying to hear this.
Yolkley: oh yeah i think my friend ate the whole apple XD
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1394418517 | 1394503149 | t3_200kl8 | t5_2to41 | 95 | HiMyBallsAreItchy: TIFU by manscaping for the first time in the shower while my Christian parents where away at church.
I made a throwaway account because my friends know my regular account.
Today I was trying to write my essay for my english class so I stayed home alone while my parents and family went to church. I was getting bored so I decided to go whack it in the shower.I get in the shower and do the do. Now as most of you know, hot water and man juice creates some kind of hard glue. Great. Its all over my pubes. I tried to wash it off but without success. So I decide to give it a trim. Now I grab a razor and get to shaving. Its taking way longer than I thought it would. I'm going slow since I didnt have my contacts on and don't want to cut myself. I decide to shave it ALL off because why not.
Now at this point an hour goes by. (rate of shaving + small 2 blade razor = 1 hour) I finally finish and get out of the shower. I put on my contacts. I didnt realize how much hair was in the bath. Fuck. It looks like the murder scene of Big foot. Now I need to act fast because the family could be here any minute. I grab an old shirt from my room and wipe the whole bath. It gets most of the hair. Then I threw the shirt into a plastic bag. I notice the drain also has alot of hair in it. So I put my fingers in the drain and try to grab all of the hairs by hand. By the end of it I ended up grabbing a handful of hairballs (There was other hair, way longer which i presumed to be my sisters) mixed with semen. I throw that away in the plastic bag as well.
My parents still havent arrived but I'm so paranoid that I left some evidence of either man juice or hair. Also I am very itchy.
katzali: Just a friendly hint: Don't SHAVE unless your SO specifically tells you they like that. Because shaved just looks unsettling. Trim it with scissors or n electric razor or something.
Remember:
No hair: Weird and unsettling
Too much hair: No BJ's. Ever.
thebornotaku: ALRIGHT MOTHERFUCKER YOU WANNA MANSCAPE? LISTEN UP.
Here's what you do. Go to your local CVS or Walgreens or whatever the fuck. Find the bit where they have electric razors and trimmers and shit. Found it? Good.
Now look for one of [these motherfuckers.](http://www.amazon.com/Wahl-9918-6171-Groomsman-Mustache-Trimmer/dp/B00009RF1E) Doesn't have to be the same brand, just the same *style*. Gotta look like a little pair of hair clippers. That motherfucker will come with *guides, too*. This is fuckin' important. Plus most of them run on AA batteries, so you don't need any weird chargers or shit.
So get that motherfucker home, rip it open and get some oil on those blades. Ooooh yeah baby, just like that. Now find one of those guides that looks like it's a good length for your pubes. I like to use one around the same length as my leg hair, but I'm also a Grizzly bear (literally) so I can get away with that.
Now, how are you gonna do this shit? You can't just trim your fuckin' pubes over the floor, oh no. And you can't do it in the fuckin' shower either. Here's what you do...
*Squat over the goddamn toilet*. No you stupid motherfucker, *open the goddamn lid first*. Face the tank and squat over that bitch so your nuts are hanging in the breeze. *Feels nice, don't it?*
Okay, now trim those pubes. bzzzzt, no problem. notice all the fuckin' hair is in the toilet bowl? Fuck yeah you do. Hit that lever baby, just hit it once. Oh shit motherfucker, all them pubes are getting flushed down and they're fucking *gone* now. Easy wasn't it? Of course it fucking was. Wipe any stragglers off of the bowl, pack up your trimmers and go eat some pizza.
Bam. Trim your pubes in 5 minutes, basically no clean up, and you have a clean uniform look. *Problem fuckin' solved*.
EL_CAVEMAN: You sir are my HERO, thanks
thebornotaku: Good thing, you need that shit EL_CAVEMAN
| 5 | 19 | |
1394420157 | 1394809326 | t3_200n04 | t5_2to41 | 4 | upads: TIFU My dad fucked up, we made up
So following last week's incident where my father calls me a "slut" our conditions has been worsening in a way we don't want, resulting in awkward silences during meals. Today we got into this row about washing clothes...details unimportant, but he tried to win the argument with a clichéd "fxxk you what I said is final!" statement
I did mention I live in China, and our swearing culture is a bit...different. Instead of "f**k you" we say "fxxk your mom" or similar. Because our mother is back we were talking in Chinese...(direct translate: Fxxk your mom, what I said is final!)
To which I replied "yeah right" and the entire house was roaring on laughter. Surprisingly that broke the ice and we made up, but still a fuck up, right?
FaythDarkHeart: I assume you speak Cantonese? I can relate with the whole "Dieu le loh mo" Great story~! Glad you guys made up.
Wombcorps: Whenever I'm Round my Chinese-speaking friends in Malaysia, I try and listen and pick up words and ask them what it means; first one was dieu ;) I love literal translations of Chinese swearing its hilarious in English!
Glad you have made up and lightened the mood. Does your mum speak Chinese also? Or was she blind to the irony if your dad telling you to fuck your mum? Lol
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1394418464 | 1394574003 | t3_200kiq | t5_2to41 | 29 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally getting my ex blackout drunk in her parents house.
This happened a couple of weeks ago, but I just discovered this subreddit so fuck it. It was a Friday night and I was at my ex's (at that point we just started dating). Now it's important to note that we're in high-school, so drinking has only recently become my past time of choice. My ex however, up to that point had never had a single drop, and insisted that we drink that weekend. There was no party or special occasion, she just wanted to get drunk with me and a couple of her friends (who continue to hate me to this day because of this incident) in her basement. I knew her parents and her friends parents were going to be there, so to sneak the booze in (around a 1/5 of Smirnoff) I put it in a small camel-back and hid that under my varsity jacket, which is so bulky on my small frame (I'm about 5'7'') you wouldn't even notice the bulge it made. So I get to her house and engage in as little small talk as possible with her parents before it's appropriate to excuse myself and go into the basement where she and her friends are.
Her friends were reluctant to drink, being the reasonable individuals they are, so the whole 1/5 was left to split between me and her. She was hesitant to drink at first but I spared no time and went right at it; getting good and drunk before she decided to give it a go about two hours later. Although drunk me realized I should use some discretion in serving this short, skinny, white girl alcohol; observing that she didn't die after three shots led me to believe that as long as she didn't drink more that me, she would be fine...
Oh sweet Jesus was I wrong
I realized I fucked up when i stumbled over the bag, which was askew in the middle of the basement floor, and not in its hiding spot behind the couch. At this point however, I didn't think much of it and just fumbled with it to try and get myself another drink. To my surprise, the entire bag was empty, and almost in tandem heard my ex crying in the other room. I dropped the bag and hobbled over to see what all the fuss was about and found her in front of the TV, tears streaming down her face, surrounded by her friends, who were all trying to calm her down.
In between her long, loud sobs she repeatedly wailed "HE JUST WANTED TO GO HOME". It made no sense until I saw Forest Gump was on and it was at the part where Bubba dies in Forest's arms. Knocked off guard by the whole scene, unable to process what I was witnessing; I slumped down to the ground and sat there for a minute or two, absorbed in pure introspection. Until her cries stopped for a brief moment, and the clamor then came from her friends. She had began to vomit. I lifted my head up to witness her projectile vomit everywhere and on everything like it was straight out of the exorcist. Her friends lifted her up and threw her into the bathroom. They slammed the door shut, yet I could still hear her hurling violently in the bathroom. It felt like I wasn't there, witnessing her friends trembling, all covered on vomit, staring at each other in disbelief.
It was about then when I started to realize the consequences of this and that her parents where only a staircase away. I jumped into action, and was on my feet slurring orders at her friends, all still standing there in disbelief. I ran past them through a giant puddle of vomit, nearly tripping, to get to the supply closet. I filled my arms with rolls of bounty; which I began to chuck at everyone. Given the situation, and my inebriated state, I decided to embody the role Lieutenant Dan, because fuck yeah. I remember shouting something along the lines of "LETS MOVE SOLDIERS!", and surprisingly enough everyone jumped into action. The vomit was getting cleaned up fast, and people began taking shifts to look after my ex.
I went for another supply run, and stumbled over my camel-back again. I don't know why, but something in me decided to reevaluate the situation for a second, and before I knew it my flight instincts kicked in. I grabbed the bag, my coat, and no later was off through the back door. After tripping over a few pots, setting off a few motion lights, I was off into the dark. I walked home and crawled into my bed. I sat there for a long time, recollecting my actions, overwhelmed with the guilt of abandoning my troops; the lieutenant would have been ashamed.
fleepss: i think you are posting in the wrong subreddit. This is win
dickr0t: /r/tigfu
| 3 | 9.666667 | |
1394426792 | 1394483008 | t3_200w3p | t5_2to41 | 249 | slabester: TIFU by farting in my boyfriend's face.
My boyfriend and I have been together for just under a year now, though we have been friends longer. I am more comfortable and myself around him than I am with anyone else. Having said that, I feel I should explain that I am an extremely inhibited, easily embarrassed person.
Which brings me to this evening. We are enjoying a quiet night at home, watching tv, sitting cross legged on the futon just shooting the shit when I feel it coming. Now I should say that my boyfriend could not be less shy with his own farting and has always encouraged me to be more open with mine. I've adamantly refused and more often than not, sneak out of the room to do so. But this particular night, I got reckless. I sensed some intestinal foreshadowing but felt it would be silent and hopefully, not so deadly. It was in this precise my moment, my wonderful man decided to, for reasons on which I remain unclear, stick his head in direct wind of my ass. I think he was grabbing the controller or something. Not a second later, he looks up with the most repulsed face I have ever seen and says, loudly, "What the fuck is that smell?! It smells like something died!" Now here is where the fuck up comes in. I immediately begin to cry. It wasn't even a choice, just immediate welling up with tears and fuck, just typing this I feel so stupid for it. I tell him, through tears, that I farted in his face. Naturally he found it hysterical. Until the crying and my inability to take things lightly ruined the entire experience for him. And it could have been such a lovely evening.
[deleted]: My wife farted into my open mouth in revenge for me messing with her OCD.
FilthandtheBody: Did she mess up the first time and have to do it over and over?
[deleted]: No but she made me re-hang all the socks by the toes and in pairs even though they were dry (I hung them by the tops/sides and jumbled up willynilly). Just so she could take them down after I had finished, she wouldn't touch them until I had corrected it.
FilthandtheBody: She is definitely a shoe in for having severe tOeCD. You might knot want to trip her up again.
[deleted]: You really have those puns pegged.
FilthandtheBody: I tend to agree, Tend_to_agree.
| 7 | 35.571429 | |
1394450461 | 1394571116 | t3_201fwx | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by screenshotting on Snapchat
I was snapchatting this girl I kinda like and I took a screenshot cause I didn't have time to read all the squiggly writing she wrote. How the fuck am I supposed to know that snapchat sends someone a notification when you take a screenshot? She hasn't actually said anything to me but I just wanna crawl into a hole and die of my embarrassment
PotatoQuie: What was her picture of?
prickpunch: Yeah, OP should go all the way and post it
PotatoQuie: Might as well, never do anything half-assed!
| 4 | 2 | |
1394451572 | 1394461766 | t3_201gsx | t5_2to41 | 2 | upads: TIFU I only just realized...
coffeedream: i don't get it...
upads: My name is Up, so when my colleagues read the reddit title out loud, it'd sound like 'today I fucked Up' like when others say 'today I fucked Candi'
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1394433591 | 1394554577 | t3_2013i9 | t5_2to41 | 6 | KristyConfused: TIFUpdate: shaving in the shower
So I haven't had any more major mishaps. I went and got a ladies' wet/dry electric razor, though it doesn't really do a good job. I use it for everything but face and armpits (I tried it on the pits like, three times. BAD idea, they were sore for days). For a late birthday present, my Mom got me a [double edge razor](http://www.amazon.com/Feather-Double-Edge-Shaving-Razor/dp/B003YJ70NY/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1394432767&sr=8-2), and that works pretty well, plus I have the twin-blade razors from Dollar Shave Club. The double edge one is a bit less forgiving when I hit a skin tag, so I gotta be extra careful in my armpits 'cause I do have quite a few of those around the edges of my pits. It also does well on my face and neck, which is what it was designed for, but easily draws blood when I get off of the areas I've prepared with shave gel. It also doesn't do too well on the upper side of my chin, but I can touch that up with the electric shaver. I did manage to nick myself with the trimmer of the electric shaver, on the area directly north of my little soldier.
I've ordered an Epilady from Amazon.com. I plan to give it a try when it gets here, and even though I know it's not intended for that purpose, I will probably try it on my face (but not first) because I'm damned desperate for something that won't leave beard shadow. I'm almost positive this will end in a TIFU but it's a small price to pay if the epilator works well on my legs, chest, arms, and belly.
Someday, I'll get laser hair removal for my face, but that's a long time down the road.
TL;DR: I have a sheep doing roofing over at my house. Come and drop in, we'll listen to Zeppelin and eat cheddar cheeeeese.
zalloy: If I were you, I would totally NOT use an Epilady on my face. I tried to use one on my legs many years ago, and it was awful! It feels like someone's ripping your skin off! Bad enough on the legs, but your face is a lot more sensitive, and you run the risk of skin irritation and ingrown hairs, both of which you definitely don't want on your face.
For the face, you might want to try a cream depilatory, or waxing. If you go with either of those, don't forget to do a skin test, to be sure you don't have a reaction to the chemicals.
I've also heard that those Tria laser things work pretty well. They're pricey, but cheaper than going to a professional for laser treatments.
KristyConfused: I tried a cream depilatory on my face. It worked about as well as slathering rotten cream cheese on and leaving it for 7 minutes - that is, it left my face with a strange unpleasant odor, and all the hair that was already there as well. None came off.
Waxing might work, I'll have to look into that. The problem is that all this crap costs money and I work at Wal-Mart.
I hope the Epilady isn't too bad on my legs, I'd hate to think I wasted the bulk of the gift card I got for applying for an Amazon Rewards VISA. Then again I may be able to return it if it's not to my liking. I really hope it works well on my legs, arms and chest, and I'm not such a fool as to try it on my genitals.
zalloy: I've had trouble with the cream depilatories too. I tried one on my legs before, and either it didn't remove the hair, or if it did, it removed a layer of skin too. I got some painful chemical burns from that. Most of the time, if it's on long enough to get the hair, it burns you. And if you have coarse hair, that stuff doesn't work well at all.
I know it's hard to come up with the cash to try different things when you work at Wal-Mart. I could barely afford groceries when I worked at McDonalds, nevermind anything that wasn't an absolute necessity.
The thing with epilators is you have to be prepared for the pain of it. Like, you know how it hurts a bit when you tweeze your eyebrows? Well, an epilator is like that, but worse. You're essentially tweezing a lot of hairs at once. If your skin is sensitive, it hurts a lot. Some people have a hard time getting past the pain of using it the first few times. Just be sure that you check the returns policy, so if it doesn't work out for you, you can send it back and try something else. As far as waxing goes, it's hard to find a good product you can use at home, and expensive to go have it done in a salon.
I've also heard about hair growth inhibitor creams, but I've never tried them. I'm not sure if they actually work, or if they mess up your skin.
I hope you find something that works well for you, and that it doesn't cost too much.
KristyConfused: I've plucked a few eyebrow hairs, but I haven't tweezed them per se. However, I frequently need to pluck nose hairs and holy shit does that hurt. I'm prepared for that level of pain from an epilator, but I don't expect it to be quite that level.
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1394463045 | 1394465385 | t3_201tmi | t5_2to41 | 1 | sportguy555: TIFU by going to North/South Carolina and not eating Smithfield's/Chick-Fil-A/Cook-Out
Garza1: No it isn't
sportguy555: New Keyboard: $30
Farting in someone's face: Quickly forgotten
Eating BBQ and Waffle Fries in the south: Priceless
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1394470756 | 1394476207 | t3_2025iq | t5_2to41 | 137 | jchabotte: TIFU by not closing the lid.
So this actually happened yesterday (YIFU). I came home from visiting my parents. Had to go and poop. sat my ass down on the toilet seat and dropped a deuce while browsing reddit on my phone. All finished? good! put my phone down on the back of the toilet seat and stood up to wipe myself. After dropping the TP into the bowl, I pressed down on the flush handle and when it rebounded, the handle flew off and did a perfect Greg Louganis and plopped itself right into the crap pool and decided to follow it away into oblivion. $50 bucks down the drain. FYI, the reason it costs so much is that it's an American Standard Cadet 4098 Pressure assisted fixture. It has a specially hooked and curved lever, so i have to use an original. That's also why it flew off, because the plunger on the air-tank has a quick rebound. I'd rather replace it with a push button if i could, but that means drilling through the lid. Also, it didn't clog, fortunately because i've dropped more cosby kids off at the pool since then, without issue.
**TL;DR: Toilet handle broke off and fell into the shitter**
That_Deaf_Guy:
You stand up to wipe..?
Edit: about 4 people have said to me since I sit, it's the first time I've heard of the opposite. It's not the first time, I just don't see why you would stand. Your ass sticks together and you can't wipe properly.
jchabotte: You don't? do you get crap on your balls or something? how do you fit your hand between your ass and the seat?
vgalosky: Yea I do it sitting down, lift up your genitals with your left hand and wipe with your right between your legs. It's cleaner that way imo
jchabotte: What if you got a klingon and it drops onto your wrist? thanks, but no thanks!
laruf: I clearly remember pretty much this exact conversation going down.
The general result of it was that there are two kinds of people that wipe after squeezing out a log, and neither knows the other exists.
free_range_veal: As a recent convert from standing wipe to sitting, I find myself feeling cleaner with the seated option.
laruf: I'm a born sitter, but I do both. Depends on how tired I am and the volatility of the shit.
*^/u/laruf: ^telling ^you ^more ^than ^you ^ever ^wanted ^to ^know*
That_Deaf_Guy: >born sitter, the opposite of a winner, remember when I used to eat sardines for dinner.
| 9 | 15.222222 | |
1394473781 | 1394506724 | t3_202ao9 | t5_2to41 | 131 | TheAmishSpaceCadet: TIFU by ruining a sexting relationship with a sexy Russian girl by making a joke about Putin.
Ok this was actually weeks ago, but still i have to share i guess. I had this pretty cool sexting relationship with this random Russian girl. We met on Omegle, I gave her my kik (basically an app that is really good for sexting and exchanging pics), etc. we sexted maybe once every couple of days or so. Very sexy, great body, kind of stuck up, but it was fun doing random naughty things with her. She was a figure skater, she lived in the States but would often make trips back to Russia, she was from a rich family. So one day she drops off the map and about a week later i text her to find her back in Russia. I'm like wait a minute..."are you in Sochi?". Yep. Turns out she was with her parents to see the olympics, just like any rich Russian family with free time and multiple daughters involved in skating, i guess. I'm like "What event are you in right now?". I think it was a skating event but can't recall exactly. She mentions she's in the fancy box with all the rich people and dignitaries. I said "... Is Putin there?". She says "Yes. Actually my family knows him." Now i know she's not joking, this girl had like zero sense of humor and was very proud of her country, always getting into political debates, her family is rich, so it makes sense. Of coarse me being me i go "...can...can you...can you do me a favor and take him out?". Just to make a joke about what a dictator he is and his foreign policies, how he probably has had lots of people killed and tghe world would be a better place without him. In hindsight it wasn't really that funny, but i got a chuckle in the moment. The girl snaps on me, tells me how disrespectful i am being to her country, how Putin is actually a great guy, how her family actually knows him, how dare i make such a horrible joke etc. So she told me to fuck off, blocked me, and i have yet to hear from her. Kinda wasn't worth it, but it was a funny experience in hindsight.
edit: No i don't have nudes of her. stop PMing me. As i said i deleted her shit as soon as she blocked me, i'm not the person to save porn images, i ask for fresh ones every time i kik a girl. And even if i had them i wouldn't be the type to spread them on the internet without permission, fuck me right?
JustCallMeBen: I hate the smell of bullshit in the morning.
TheAmishSpaceCadet: what?
Baertschi: He's saying this story is bullshit. Probably because it is
TheAmishSpaceCadet: Yah no. You werent there and im not giving out her contact info so if you think its bullshit move along. If i invented this story don you think i would have made it into a shitty meme for some karma at least?
Baertschi: You're trying to say that:
A) Hot Russian girl goes on Omegle to find a sexting buddy
B) Hot Russian girl's parents knew Putin very well
C) Hot Russian girl was casually texting her sexting buddy at the Olympics
It's clearly bullshit, all of those are extremely improbable and yet you're saying all three happened
TheAmishSpaceCadet: 1) rich bored people are allowed to use omegle like everyone else. Some happen to be girls. Girls can be horny and look for a quick fuck like anyone else.
2) yes. Rich russians are likely to interact with putin. Surprise. Plus i never said they were like best buds just that they knew him.
3) yes believe it or not you can have a conversation outside of sex with a sexting buddy. Just because two people have a sexting relationship doesnt mean every convo thereafter is limited to fucking
Baertschi: Buddy you're clearly bullshitting. I laughed at the story but don't pretend like it actually happened
TheAmishSpaceCadet: She could have been lieing about her family being aquainted to him i could give a shit. All i know is that a hot russian girl got offended at a russia joke and stopped sexting me. I dont really care if you dont believe it. Move on. Theres no way i can send you her personal info or nudes so theres really no point in arguing
Baertschi: \>implying I asked for personal info or nudes
TheAmishSpaceCadet: Well thats the only real way i could confirm my story and im not doing that. So move on if you dont believe me.
Baertschi: sounds like you made this up in your head and wanted to share without anyone being able to call your shit
TheAmishSpaceCadet: Yah this convo is over now. If i wanted to make up a story id at least be smart enough to get karma for it. Bye
Baertschi: \> implying karma does anything
TheAmishSpaceCadet: Lol
| 15 | 8.733333 | |
1394471644 | 1394496045 | t3_2026zy | t5_2to41 | 524 | Lakonthegreat: TIFU by ruining a recording session.
DrMasterBlaster: Finally, a TIFU that doesn't involve jizz.
ggggbabybabybaby: Or shitting your pants.
Lakonthegreat: Thank Science. Nope, I'm someone who has their IBS well under control.
[deleted]: You be what?
sp00nzhx: IBS=Irritable Bowel Syndrome
[deleted]: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NpuZ_dmFX14
sp00nzhx: Oh. \*whoosh\*
That went over my head.
[deleted]: Its understandable, fairly obscure reference.
I wasn't the dickhole who downvoted you, btw.
sp00nzhx: Huh, didn't know that I was down voted though. I've been on mobile, haha.
| 10 | 52.4 | |
1394473440 | 1394565505 | t3_202a1w | t5_2to41 | 189 | tdrix: TIFU reading the craigslist m4m personals at work
They're so humorous sometimes that it's hard to help reading them as a last ditch effort to avoid boredom; today, I have very little work to do in the office and figured I'd spread it throughout my day so I could ease into the week.
I use my own private equipment in the office, and even though no one has access to my browsing history, I often have so many tabs open at once that my computer just freezes up for a few seconds when switching to another one. This happened today as my boss walked in, and I couldn't switch from what I was reading; a quite...gnarly descriptive post of what one guy wanted to do to his willing participant, including pictures of the acts having previously been performed. I didn't get in trouble, but needless to say I had the "office protocol and etiquette" lists read to me, and my boyfriend who also works in the office definitely overheard it all..
tdrix: I'm a male, and the personals were also male (m4m) - It amazes me, what the world has come to. Not the inevitable acceptance of LGBT culture (as it should have always been), but how self-degrading these sites make it seem. I always have to remind myself that this is only the sexual apsect of a life that has many other aspects, and as such you can only give it so much judgement..but to the poster below, YES, every time I see that phrase, I laugh out loud while crying a little on the inside.
spacepuppy69: ... I was gunna make a crude joke using the word boypussy, but I feel so dirty just thinking it.
I had an ex try to use it on me thinking it was hot. I gagged during sex.
custardnom: It's *boipussy.* Ugh. So unsexy.
spacepuppy69: Oh yeah! I forgot. I'm okay with the word boi, I can deal with it. But *pussy*. My friends make fun of me because I HATE that word. So gross. Like, for anyone.
| 5 | 37.8 | |
1394475769 | 1395077355 | t3_202e6v | t5_2to41 | 33 | cum-n-puke-with-me: TIFU by accidently tasting my cum, resulting in puking on my gf.
this was the other night. St patricks day event. I was with my girlfriend and others and we barhopped all day long. My girl and I dip back to the hotel, and get naughty.
We're in a LTR so im bangin her from behind rawdog and after some time, splooge all over her back. I pull her hair back and turn her head towards me and make out. I forgot in my drunkstate during that time that I had just jizzed on her back, and went and did a huge lick down her back while I was headed down to rim that brownstar.
I licked my jizz up. My stomach already in delicate state from excessive alcohols didnt like that. I puked all over my girlfriends back. Somehow two days later she still loves me.
Tl; dr: splooge on gf back. Lick it by mistake. Puke on gf back.
Leg_Mcmuffin: Cue the "OMG U DONT TASTE UR OWN JIZZ?" comments.
And the Downvotes.
Jesus fucking christ. I am almost 26 years old. and have been sexually active for years now. I am extremely open to most things/fetishes, and have tried a lot. I will actually try almost anything once. But taste my own jizz? Not happening. At least no on purpose. What the fuck is with Reddit and trying their own jizz? What is the purpose? And why do you have to trash talk everyone that doesn't? Is it to make yourselves feel better about the nasty shit you do? That shit might be considered "normal" by the internet's standards, and in this day and age, but it doesn't mean you have to fucking do it. The image of you dudes slouching over a fucking cup with your fat, hairy, sweaty bodies, jerking off so intensely, just WAITING for that cumshot... JUST SO YOU CAN TASTE IT, is vile. Fucking vile. And it's always us guys who have girlfriends, and get laid that don't do it. And it's always you sensitive, jizz tasting, virgin fuck boys that bash us.
NOT TODAY, REDDIT. NOT ANYMORE. MY NON-JIZZ TASTING BROTHERS. STAND UP. FIGHT!
SAY IT WITH ME!
WE WILL (dundun dun) NE-VER (dundun dun) TASTOURJIZZ!
Jk.
It's not bad. Kind of like coconut water.
[deleted]: I like the cut of your jib.
Leg_Mcmuffin: I don't even know what that means
BodybuildingWarrior: I believe he means he wants to cut your jib
| 5 | 6.6 | |
1394412524 | 1394521820 | t3_200bj7 | t5_2to41 | 13 | Angrypirate54: TIFU by getting shit on my electric shaver.
So I usually poop before I shower, seems reasonable enough since i don't waste toilet paper if I'm going into the shower anyways.
So After I'm done I head into the shower and notice my nice O'l prickly genitalia. So whatever I thought it was time for a clean up for a good start to the week. So I pop into the shower and go to town. Then I trailed off further and shaved my gooch. (We must go deeper) So then I campaigned to my asshole, forgetting that I didn't wipe, I shaved that bad boy. Then only to find A clump of spicy poo grasping to my shaver...
TLDR; I shaved my pooie butthole, getting poop on my shaver.
akp55: TIL OP doesn't wash their ass
Angrypirate54: noooo. Only when I'm about to shower.
akp55: that just sounds even worse
Angrypirate54: OP regrets nothing.
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1394490522 | 1394541960 | t3_2034a3 | t5_2to41 | 1,543 | itossmormons-sadface: TIFU and knocked a Mormon down a hill
Within an hour of waking up, I managed to…
- drop my bra in the toilet.
- knock over a lamp, denting the bar
- wham my crotch on a table corner, collapse in pain, and land on my bf's Legos
I hurriedly tossed my crap in my purse and headed out, just barely on time for work. I locked the door, turned the corner to the driveway, and met - just inches from my face - a Mormon, apparently going door-to-door. I was so caught off guard, I screamed. This startled him, causing him to jump backward. He then began to barrel uncontrollably down the steep hill outside of our place. He landed in a heap at the bottom, then stood up and began to powerwalk away. I called after him to ask if he was alright, but got no reply. It was surreal. His clothes didn't even get dirty.
Gejakiat: > I hurriedly tossed my crap in my purse
For a second I took that the wrong way, then I realised it may have been a fuck up too far to believe
adj1: I read it as tossed a crap in my purse. Had to reread.
Soccadude123: The worst part is landing on Legos. Have you ever stepped on one of those things?
Buffalo__Buffalo: I'm hoping a number of Legos has a pressure-distribution effect like a bed of nails does. Poor OP :(
Soccadude123: Rip OP
BadBoyJH: RIP in peace OP.
ClintRenee: RIP in Lego pieces OP.
Gejakiat: Probably not the first gravestone to say 'death by lego'
ClintRenee: And it won't be the last... :(
Gejakiat: I read more people die from lego sharks, than actual shark attacks. Poor souls
| 11 | 140.272727 | |
1394491656 | 1394694454 | t3_20367y | t5_2to41 | 75 | JCWalker97: TIFU by killing the elderly
I'd been feeling severely under the weather for a few weeks now, which would usually stick out but having recently (past year) had glandular fever, I was expecting illnesses to level up and put all their skill points into wrecking me. So after shrugging it off despite a horrendous, puke inducing cough I still turned up to work for the last 3-4 weeks. In a retail store dealing primarily with elderly customers. After much deliberation I decided maybe to go get it checked out with a doctor. This is where the fuck up occurred. I was diagnosed with pneumonia in my right lung. After a little research, I discovered that pneumonia can be easily transferred via the air as a result of coughing AND is one of the number killers of the elderly in the winter months. A lot of regulars have stopped coming in as often as they used to, some disappearing entirely.
R.I.P old people of the West Midlands, Uk.
mask567: Oh shit I'm from the west midlands. But then again I'm not old. Where do you work op?
JCWalker97: Warwickshire ( a small town called alcester)
tyler148: What the fuck that's where I go to school...I might know you!
JCWalker97: Wouldn't bet on it, not a local, merely commute in for my Saturday job
tyler148: Ah fair enough. Still, I don't usually see someone from the same area as me on reddit
| 6 | 12.5 | |
1394494921 | 1394666255 | t3_203bsh | t5_2to41 | 25 | fnasbin: TIFU by pissing my pants
Today at school my friend was going on and on about how great this new bubble tea place is at our local mall. Well, I like bubble tea. My parents won't be home after school and my sister is hanging out with her friends, so I say screw it I'll go. I skytrain there and buy a cup. It's delicious. Soon I'm done and I head home. I get off the skytrain with a full bladder. The walk from the skytrain to my house is about 700 metres (Canadian here) and I thought"I'll make it in time" but I was wrong. Halfway there, I'm flexing my crotchal area to keep the dam from bursting but it's no use. I keep walking despite the tempting bush. I near my house. I'm sweating and freaking out. My neighbor greets me with a hello and I let out a strained gurgle and start running. My neighbor looks confused as I dash into my house all red faced. A few seconds before I get there my dick starts to leak. I just about aim when the dam bursts. My pants were still semi on so it kinda just sprayed everywhere. I now understand how people can get bodily waste everywhere but the toilet. Then the smell hits me. *I ate asparagus for lunch*. It took me about fifteen minutes to clean and i hated every second of it. I also realize my pants have piss covering the front half so that's not good.
I hope the smell goes away before my parents get back.
WPBDoc: "Bubble Tea"...."skytrain"...."crotchal area".....must have pants off to pee?
...."strained gurgle".
Are you SURE you are from Canada? I no recognize your lexicon.
fnasbin: I'm on the west coast
ArgonNightmare: Calgary eh?
fnasbin: British Columbia....
Eh?
lolzmon: I happen to be there too. What was the name of this bubble tea place?
fnasbin: Something like cin zeo? The mall is called Lougheed
lolzmon: I just might try it out when I get the chance. If it's really as good as you say.
| 8 | 3.125 | |
1394495575 | 1394498188 | t3_203cx6 | t5_2to41 | 16 | Gejakiat: TIFU by missing my flight because I confused '19:35' with '9.35'
I'm writing this in the airport. This could have had serious repercussions as tomorrow I have a cross atlantic flight to catch! Luckily the flight could be moved forward but even though I checked the flight at least 5 times today, I never noticed the error!
What's worse, on the other side I was meant to say goodbye to my family (who live in south america) before I leave for scotland tomorrow! They had prepared a supper, taxi and were staying up, but now I have fucked up their plans as well as mine.
*Sigh* at least I have you reddit
Edit: to clarify, I missed the flight at 19:35 because - thought it left at 21:35, two hours later.
myjudas: I am confused. You thought your flight left at 9:35 (as in 9:35am), but it actually leaves at 19:35 (as in 7:35pm)? So you would be 10 hours early for your flight? Why did the flight have to be moved forward if you were early?
Gejakiat: Oh sorry! Let me clear any confusion. I thought the flight was 9.35 pm, which unfotunately is 2 hours after 19:35. Luckily I am not so fucked up as to miss a flight by 10 hours!
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1394497720 | 1394499041 | t3_203gho | t5_2to41 | 27 | UniqueFunnyName: TIFU by cutting off an ambulance with it's lights on, and then doing 20 over the speed limit to get out of its way.
So I was on my way to pick up my younger sister from school since she doesn't like riding the bus. I was at the stop light with the radio on when I heard what I thought was sirens. I turned my radio off and lo and behold an ambulance was coming my way. The light turned green for me to turn, right as the ambulance pulled up and then it randomly stopped. I figured oh ok he's yielding to let us go as not to cause an accident. Just as I'm over the line pulling into my lane, he guns it to get up and go. I get into the far lane thinking oh ok he'll pass me and that will be that. He gets in the lane right behind me so I'm freaking out trying to get out of his way. So i gun it up to at least 45 to get ahead and get out of the way. The speed limit in that area is 25 so naturally I have to slow down just about a second after I gun it. So I pull up to the next light that I have to turn at, and I am just swearing my head off at myself for doing that. This was the second time that I had that type of incident at that same damn light. I guess I just don't have very good luck around ambulances...
TL;DR - Cutoff an ambulance and nearly caused an accident because I just seem to have a derp moment when I'm around ambulances.
ErasmusDarwin: > The light turned green for me to turn, right as the ambulance pulled up and then it randomly stopped. I figured oh ok he's yielding to let us go as not to cause an accident.
For future reference, he wasn't yielding. He was making sure the people who had a green light (like you) were aware enough to properly yield to the ambulance (who had a red light but still had right of way by virtue of his lights and siren). If the ambulance with lights and sirens isn't stuck behind you, the easiest thing to do is just wait and watch.
Don't beat yourself up too much -- it's easy to panic a bit when the lights and sirens are going. Just think things through now so you can handle it a bit better when it happens again in the future.
UniqueFunnyName: Yeah the only reason I figured that was because he came to a complete dead stop and no one was moving. Although yeah...that makes a bit more sense.
| 3 | 9 | |
1394501988 | 1394502619 | t3_203nmt | t5_2to41 | 2 | Kreepygamer: TIFU by holding my fiancee's head down (NSFW)
This was last night, actually, but still.
Almost every night after we put our children to bed, we get an hour to have fun with one another. Usually that includes, but is not limited to, a deepthroat blowjob, sex, some anal fingering on both ends, and rough biting.
For the past two years, I've been practically begging her to let me release it down her throat. Last night she obliged. Not only does she manage to deepthroat, but two years worth of begging and practice went into it.
So where is the fuck up? I always hold her head down when she's going down. She'll tap twice if she needs to breath (allergies) and I'll immediately let go (this is our standard 'STOP RIGHT NOW' motion.) Last night, I don't know if I was too involved to feel it or if she just didn't have time to tap me, or if my juices were just too much (it's usually quite a bit each time) but when I released, she vomited.
It wasn't your average vomit either. Being a bit larger than average, I managed to completely block her throat. It had nowhere to go but out her nose. She pulled back, and I laid there for a minute or two before even realizing what had happened. I can still smell it in the room.
**TL:DR; Gave my girlfriend a hot Angry Dragon**
barrett51bmg: Bullshit
Kreepygamer: More like Dragonspit.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1394503367 | 1394886635 | t3_203q0x | t5_2to41 | 11 | trevonator126: TIFU by getting superglue all over my hand.
I know not a typical fuckup, but it's annoying as hell. I was bending the tube like a dumbass when it broke open and got all over my hand. I ran to the sink fast and put my hand under cold water. Bad idea. It hardened instantly.
Pic: http://i.imgur.com/YVO88ef.jpg
zalloy: Nail polish remover, with acetone in it, removes superglue from skin. Like it wasn't even there.
Note: It works on clothing too, but don't do it on anything with acetate in it, as the acetone will melt the acetate, and ruin the clothing.
Cancani: I thought you wrote use aceton🚨
zalloy: Not sure what you mean by your comment...
Cancani: i like turtles
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1394506036 | 1394561620 | t3_203uez | t5_2to41 | 310 | busdriverjoe: TIFUpdate I told a co-worker my salary. In case you want to know how it went.
http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1ztpwt/tifu_by_telling_a_coworker_my_salary/
So I last mentioned that I got a phone call from another coworker that the business owner got in a fight with my supervisor and my supervisor brought up my salary. That happened last Friday while I was not at work.
When I got to the office this morning, I sat at my desk and began working. The business owner comes to me, greets me and proceeds to small talk. It was only politely and very briefly mentioned that I should not be speaking to other employees about my pay. And that's it. I apologized, said it'll never happen again and that was the end of it. My supervisor comes in late as usual and he's normal.
The coworker that called me made it seem like a big deal and I guess I overreacted. Moreover I believe my supervisor caught the business owner in a lie about me getting paid when he was told that I wasn't and I'm really not the one at fault for their disagreements.
I started typing this when I got home because *I do not Reddit at work*.
Thanks for all your comments and support in the other thread, it really eased my mind. Looking forward to my next fuck up.
**tl;dr** It went okay.
[deleted]: I still don't understand why anyone would think someone is working for free. Is this normal in whatever country you are from?
KristyConfused: Unpaid internships are pretty common under some circumstances. And in the US, corporations will do whatever they can to get work for free and to pay their employees as little as they can get away with.
-SnowMan-: Those are becoming more and more rare. I was straight up offered an unpaid IT internship 2 years ago and respectfully declined because I had 7 more paid opportunities available.
In this day, I think taking an unpaid internship is nuts.
Jrook: Under us law they're not even protected from sexual harassment. Your boss can offer you a real job if you have sex with him, and he can fire you if you don't. A legit court case determines this.
I'd link but I'm on mobile
| 5 | 62 | |
1394502343 | 1394580130 | t3_203oa5 | t5_2to41 | 110 | d4ed4e: TIFU by not asking for a girls number.
Well, that was Saturday night, after meeting her at some random party. The girl was super cute, and we ended up talking for quite a few hours, somehow finding privacy at a place that likely had 40 plus people for most of the night - she even skimped out on watching her friends play their set. It was actually the best experience I've had with meeting a girl at a party like that. We literally talked right up until she left (even though I felt I wasn't capable of making good conversation with the cocktail of substances in my body), and I had meant to ask for her number, but, she kind of scurried away quickly.
So the next day, I think, nbd, I'll just look her up on facebook, right? Even though she told me it was deactivated, I decided to try and find her. She has a unique first name, and I knew the city she lived in. It was up...but then I decided it was weird (not to mention, my brain was just...fried all day.) and decided against it - I couldn't think of what to say.
And then today a friend tells me to do it..so I go to message her again..and her profile is gone. Probably deactivated - makes me wonder, did she reactivate it for a day so I'd have another chance?
I know she browses reddit - maybe she'll see this. Though I feel like this isn't necessarily a big subreddit.
felixhamel: Op should contact the band
d4ed4e: Rofl, I have no clue about anyone that played there that night.
Fatpandasneezes: ....Look it up? The venue probably has their schedule, and you can probably deduce it from the time slots.
d4ed4e: I may not have been clear that it was someones house.
Tizaki: Call said house and work from there.
NEVER GIVE UP. TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS.
I'll go to the wedding, OP.
d4ed4e: I...barely know two out of a few people that live there. But funny story, I saw someone on the highway today that was at the party, and that I think knows the girl in question.
Tizaki: It's a sign...
| 8 | 13.75 | |
1394494160 | 1394539071 | t3_203aic | t5_2to41 | 14 | xternal7: TIFU by leaving in a hurry
Okay, technically this happened yesterday (on Sunday) but I've only learned about it today.
I'm a student, I'm at home during the weekend and at dorm during the week. It was Sunday, I decided I'll leave for the dorm a bit early. The bus I wanted to take left at 15:40. Because I'm a piss-poor planner, I started packing at 15:20 (which wouldn't really be a problem if anyone from my family was at home to give me a ride to the bus stop that's 1-1,5 km away, but everyone was spending the afternoon at the relatives). After 5-7 minutes long session of turbo packing my stuff packed. I step out of the room and take another look. Bed is empty, floor is empty, my desk is empty so I guess I'm not forgetting anything. Then I left, closing the door behind me and proceeded to catch my bus.
Fast forward to around 21:00-22:00 today. I'm minding my own business, wandering through now destroyed Lion's Arch and am generally (still) amazed at how many "features" (bugs, really) Anet managed to squeeze in Guild Wars 2 with their last patch. And then my phone starts ringing. I answer, it's my mother and she proceeds to tell me that they found our cat in my room.
**Long story short:** Turns out that the cat has apparently snuck into my room while I was busy packing, unnoticed, and hid in some place that I couldn't see from where I was standing. Me not noticing the cat in a hurry promptly closed her into my room, where she stayed without food or water for upwards of 24 hours.
Jizz_Rag_Shuriken: I don't think you fucked up, you just made an honest mistake. And, no harm done to the cat I assume.
xternal7: No, the cat was fortunately fine.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1394502269 | 1394546766 | t3_203o60 | t5_2to41 | 23 | JJB366: TIFU by sending a provocative snapchat to a conservative Christian girl
Ohh, fuck. Accidentally clicked on her name. Its only a pic of my thigh/bit of pubes but I'm so screwed if she opens it. Everyone will find out...
I'm so dead... I can't even think of an excuse
EDIT: [everything went better than expected](http://i.imgur.com/2Nw6NKj.jpg) Wasn't expecting the [replies](http://i.imgur.com/tnoyH6p.jpg) [she gave](http://i.imgur.com/uYvH2Ex.jpg).
xbricks: Yea you are really in a pickle. I can't think of any way to bullshit your way out of this, I mean it would be easy if she wasn't a conservative Christian girl, you could just brush it off. Were you interested at all in this girl? Cause if you were you definitely burned that bridge, and then dropped a few bombs on it for good measure.
I would just ignore the whole thing and hope it blows over, just never bring it up.
JJB366: I sent her a fb message asking her not to open it, she did anyway, and doesn't seem to phased! I told her its a game a friend I play, seeing who chickens out first
xbricks: I'm glad everything worked out alright. To better luck in the future /u/JJB366!!!
JJB366: Thanks :)
| 5 | 4.6 | |
1394425075 | 1394532459 | t3_200tyq | t5_2to41 | 23 | saltytroll: TIFU by not peeing before sleeping
Technically it was half fuck up last night half fuck up today. So I've been in a musical and two nights ago was closing night. After that the one of the other actors had an after party which involved a lot of singing and no sleep. So in my sleep deprived state I head to breakfast with my girlfriend then back to hers for a bit. I then came home and had a nap, woke up, ate and then fell back asleep. This is where the first half of the fuck up comes in. Before going back to sleep I forgot to pee and got into bed with a full bladder. Now normally when I'm sleep deprived I tend to have nightmares so in the morning I wake up considerably wet. I remember having a nightmare and thought I just got really sweaty during it like normal so I think of it and lie back down. Now this is where the second half of the fuck up comes in. 30 seconds later I notice my underwear is wet [I only sleep in underwear]. I'm slightly confused now and thought that I must have been sweating a good amount to have gotten my underwear wet. So I full the duvet off and see a puddle shape on my sheets. I was really fucking confused now and then thought shit I must have wet the bed, but I was still half asleep for some reason I decided to sniff it to check what it was. I don't know what possessed me to do this but I pretty much full on shoved my head into like I was going to town on my mattress. As soon as my face hits my sheets my nose goes into hyper-drive. Like if Vulcan hearing was transferred into the ability to smell a shit from a mile away that's what happened to my nose. Instant projectile vomit all over my pillow and bookshelf as the smell of junk food and alcohol in the form of piss entered my nostrils. I have just finished getting vomit and piss off my bed and am proceeding to deep cleanse my nostrils with mentholated spirits in hopes of burning them so I can never smell anything so disgusting again.
TLDR; Didn't piss before sleeping. Pissed self. Sniffed with the power of 50 dog noses. Puked everywhere.
myst1crule: Was the musical Beauty and the Beast, by chance?
saltytroll: No. Why?
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1394519495 | 1394686529 | t3_204bpd | t5_2to41 | 241 | tifuTIFUtifu: TIFU by accidentally sending a bunch of pictures to a girl. Of herself.
So I recently met this girl a few weeks ago at a party and ended up making out with her at the end of the night. Pretty standard stuff, I get her number afterwords and facebook message her a bit. A few days later I invite her over my room and badabing we end up having sex. Now, I go to school a while away from where I live, so when I called my friend from back home to catch up, I told him about the girl and he wanted to see her. "No problem, I'll just him send a link to some of her facebook photos" I think to myself.
I continue talking as I look through for some of the older ones where she looks best (gotta impress the friends) and copy them into a blank facebook message. 3 of them. Now, I'm not sure exactly what was going on in my head but I must have been saying her name to my friend on the phone and as I was doing that typing the name to send the message to. I entered her name as the recipient. I just sent her 3 links to old photos of herself.
Articunozard: Dude you gotta just come out and be honest with her, it's your only chance of unfucking this up.
Be like "Haha oh shit, I was telling my friend about the cute girl I'm talking to and he wanted to see a picture. Sorry if it freaked you out"
Or something like that. Your other option is moving out the country and changing your identity.
tifuTIFUtifu: It all worked out, but I couldn't spoil it for you guys :P She was a good sport about it
ilikeeatingbrains: She used to be a guy.
tifuTIFUtifu: wut.
ilikeeatingbrains: Go a little farther back in her Facebook pics.
Jaxkr: Holy shit. Surely OP will deliver.
tifuTIFUtifu: I don't know where this dude got the idea but I can assure you she's always been female.
| 8 | 30.125 | |
1394524485 | 1394576849 | t3_204g70 | t5_2to41 | 19 | IGLAW: IFU on Saturday by drinking Vodka
I met a girl on OkCupid a few weeks ago who just moved here this past week, and we were gonna go on a date on the Sunday of last weekend.
On Saturday she asked if I wanted to come hang out at her new apartment with her and her roommates. I figured this would be a better first encounter than a formal date, as I'd have more to fall back on if I couldn't manage to keep a conversation going, and it'd be more casual.
So I get there in the midst of a Lord of the Rings drinking game marathon. The girl I'm there to see is pleasantly buzzed, everything is chill. I settle in and have a couple drinks, more or less in accordance with the drinking game... And then at some point I kind of stopped remembering what was going on. I have a few flashes of the girl babysitting me as I vomit in their toilet, and sitting with her out on the stairs while I wait for my roommate to come pick me up. Then I woke up at home.
My phone's messaging app shows she texted that roommate and another friend of mine and told them about the whole situation, and now they both won't stop giving me shit for it.
We rescheduled our date for next weekend as I was hung over for about 7 hours the next day, and I'm going over to her place tomorrow to grab all the stuff I left there but one of her roomies has temporarily banned me from the premises so we won't be hanging out.
I don't think I've ever made a worse first impression in my life.
Instantcretin: Learn to drink, fool.
IGLAW: I usually can, I don't know what the hell happened.
gnuman: I always drink water beforehand and during drinking. I've easily done 5-7 shots of whiskey in an hour
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1394547956 | 1394648321 | t3_2051py | t5_2to41 | 41 | Simple-ish: TIFU by failing a mid-term
Today I fucked up. Today I received the results to the mid-term exam for a required class for my major, and I failed are. The worst part of this is that it is 100% my fault.
The exam is worth 20% of my final grade, and I managed 7% of the 20.
I feel like shit. I know that as long as I get my act together I will be fine. I'm just disappointed in myself and let my teacher down.
Just had to get that off my chest.
Erikster: You'll do fine.
I completely fucked up one of my exams in the past. I hit the office hours, re-read the book 100x, and aced my next exam.
Don't forget, you can get 87% if you ace everything else. Also, was there a curve?
Damasticator: Am I doing the math wrong?
20% * 7% = 1.4%
So wouldn't he top out at 81.4%?
ArkonOlacar: Depends if he got 7% in the midterm (so 1.4% of the overall grade) or 7% of the overall grade, ie a 35% in the midterm (still a fail). Wording implies the latter, but is a bit ambiguous.
Damasticator: He said he scored 7% of the 20%.
Erikster: I took that as 7% out of the 20% possible (35% on the midterm).
Damasticator: Ohhhh I see.
| 7 | 5.857143 | |
1394555028 | 1394560076 | t3_205coy | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by shooting a kid with a pellet gun
So I went to my friends house and we decided to go shoot pellet guns as he were shooting I thought itd be a good idea to shoot his little brother. I shot him about seven times and it left welts and it broke skin. Little did I know his dad was watching all of this from the window. He flipped out and came out and started screaming at me and I had to go home I dont think I'll be able to go over to his house for awhile.
Orin965: Umm... your lucky it wasnt worse.
This was your own fault. Insaid of a fuck up. Its more like "Today I was a complete Dumbass Douchebag"
charden_sama: Agreed. You're pretty much a gigantic fuckstick.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1394563824 | 1394758531 | t3_205rfm | t5_2to41 | 937 | Tizaki: TIFU Hiding a shart during a meeting
After eating a hearty breakfast of sriracha and burritos, I went to a meeting in the workplace. My stomach hurt pretty bad and I had a few rancid wisps before getting in there, but it didn't really occur to me as I entered that it would later become a problem.
And so, the meeting started and I felt one coming. I just let it quietly slip... you know, the kind that feels like a wisp of hot air. EDIT: The kind that are so small they're supposed to vanish into the chair.
But then, as the "hot air" started to cool down, I noticed an extra bit of mass that wasn't supposed to be there. I panicked. I felt exactly like I was in a bad dream. The remaining 10 minutes were hell. Every time I moved, some of the smell would slip out. I had to sit like a statue.
Anyways, it felt much worse than it was. I had to flush the underwear, though. A good 5 minutes and I was back in the workplace, all clean, with a slightly lighter amount of clothes on my body.
[deleted]: You _flushed_ your underwear?
Tizaki: I do not handle nightmarish stress well
[deleted]: It... Went down? How strong is this toilet?
Tizaki: It's one of those crazy ones where the water just vanishes and you hear a jet engine sound.
Pretty sure it tore them to shreds. LOL
mobius_sp: Oh, your poor, poor building maintenance man. I can almost guarantee they weren't torn to shreds. Hopefully the suction, gravity, and water pressure shot them through the line. Next time, just wad them up in toilet paper or paper towels and toss them in the garbage.
Still, pretty damned funny experience overall. And I just realized I assumed there would be a next time; I'm leaving it in there.
[deleted]: If that's a common breakfast for this fellow, I assume there will be a next time as well.
mobius_sp: His poor intestines... I feel as badly for them as I do his building maintenance department.
TCL987: Sriracha isn't that spicy, OP should build up a resistance to it pretty quickly.
mobius_sp: Sriracha just lubes up the intestinal tract for the burritos to do the real damage. It'll be a digestive slip-n-slide.
WaffleBrothel: As Hermes would call it, "Caribbean Drain-O."
Except it isn't Caribbean...
| 11 | 85.181818 | |
1394564640 | 1394603052 | t3_205su3 | t5_2to41 | 15 | Social_Ghost: TIFU by choosing to drive, and disrespecting the dead
So today my sister (20) and I (16) decided to go out of town and do some shopping for our mother as some sort of nice surprise. My sister allowed me to drive, and was excited to be chauffeured around, but didn't pay attention to what I was doing, and trust me, she should have. This was my 3rd time driving, so I was comfortable with the car, but not the roads. We cruise down a road following another car where we met up with a long line of others coming from the opposite direction. I didn't know what was going on, because I was thinking about how easy it is to hit all of them, but trying not to.
So we pass them, and my sister decides to look up from doing her makeup and say: "Oh, we just past a funeral."
For those of you who are unfamiliar with road mannerisms, it is common practice to pull over to the shoulder of the road or stop/yield when approaching a funeral service, out of respect.
Lesson learned, try not to look like such an asshole.
lgduckwall: One time I was trying to merge onto an interstate. It was one where the highway was up high and the ramp went up. Well I come flying up the ramp since I am supposed to be accelerating and matching the speed of the traffic and right as I get to the merge I see the front cop leading a funeral procession. It was a pretty big one. Well he sees me flying up and just starts waving his arms at me and yelling at me. I have no idea what he said. They were going slower than, highway speed so I just punched it and got out of there. I couldn't see them until I was practically on the highway and what am I going to do? I felt kind of like an asshole.
RepRap3d: Who the fuck does a funeral procession on a freeway?
Doesnt_Baby_People: Happens in Houston all the time. Shits far.
wild_a: Everything is AT LEAST freaking 30 minutes away in Houston, TX haha
| 5 | 3 | |
1394562515 | 1394586262 | t3_205p7n | t5_2to41 | 130 | not_a_witty_name: TIFU by breaking my toe while healing from a broken leg
I broke my fibula a few months back. I have just started getting around without my air cast but still use crutches. Well, I stumbled while using my crutches and stubbed a toe on my weight bearing leg on my crutch.... And it's broken. Hurts more than my leg ever did. I'm a stumbling idiot and fuck walking.
trashlikeyourmom: If it makes you feel better, I was out of work for a month due to a pretty serious back injury. The day before I was supposed to go back to work, I fell down and broke my hand.
I type all day at work.
LuxNocte: There are easier ways to get time off.
trashlikeyourmom: I still went back, I just type with my left hand. They've given me alternate assignments so that I don't have to do as much typing as I normally would.
After being off work got a month, I wasn't going to let anything stop me from going back. There's only so much Netflix I can watch.
not_a_witty_name: That is incredibly shitty. How long did it take for your hand to heal?
I won't let this slow me down for too long. Netflix is lovely and all, but the cabin fever has taken its toll.
trashlikeyourmom: I only fell like two weeks ago. My hand was black for a couple days, and it still hurts like a bitch, but I can move most of my fingers. I haven't been to the doctor for it (I know I should, but after the whole back thing I just don't want to deal with doctors for awhile).
Yeah, I love Netflix, but my queue was getting full of weirder and weirder stuff. Cabin fever was a slow descent into madness, and you could see it happening by looking at my "Recently Watched".
| 6 | 21.666667 | |
1394566881 | 1394633894 | t3_205wrc | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by pressing a NSFW link in class
Not just any NSFW, SPACEDICKS NSFW.
Hope the people behind my aren't to scarred..
BLOB_cat: One time at uni, some guy in the *front row* busted out a laptop with casual furry porn as his desktop background :/
Most of the class saw.
Yourfavouritelesbian: > some guy
It's okay, man, we all know it was you. Just tell us the story.
BLOB_cat: Hah not quite, I was sat at the back of the lecture room and me and my friend couldn't stop laughing about it.
Yourfavouritelesbian: I would definitely be cracking up, that sounds hilarious.
also- I'm kinda scared to ask what "casual" furry porn is...
BLOB_cat: I didn't mean it like it was a category of furry porn :)
It's just the way he was so nonchalant about it, watching his computer boot up and boom, furry porn. If he slammed it shut I would have imagined he was pranked or something but he was just casually basking in the view and waiting to click on word.
It was like some sort of spread-eagled fox/dog woman being fucked by a badger or something.
And yes, he was exactly the type of person you'd stereotypically imagine to be watching furry porn.
| 6 | 1.5 | |
1394569410 | 1394573081 | t3_2061a4 | t5_2to41 | 5 | prickpunch: TIFU by getting banned from /r/offmychest
le_mous: What'd you do?
prickpunch: I was being AMERICAN-- and I used "tits" in a sentence. I think it was that
That_Deaf_Guy: /r/OffMyChest + tits = many Lols. They need to calm their tits.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1394571957 | 1394658745 | t3_2065x5 | t5_2to41 | 2,190 | [deleted]: TIFU by ruining my college career
I have 5 classes left for an Engineering degree from a pretty prestigious university. We had a big report due a couple weeks ago. The final product was about 75 pages. I fucked up on one section... I didn't know how to do a certain part correctly, so I scoped out an opportunity to peek at someone elses work. A friend of mine whom I also work with left his work on his computer and went to lunch. I took it off his computer and copied it to my flash drive. I didn't just copy and paste the work, I tried to understand how and why he did what he did. I ended up using a couple of his screenshots in my report, except I changed the colors of some arrows and changed the text boxes around, but it was the same base picture. It's hard to explain without being too specific, but the picture was just a tool for the problem, kind of like a legend. It wasn't the answer per se, so I really didn't contemplate the consequences.
Anyway, the professor told me he had no choice but to send both of us to honor court. It really stinks because my friend had NO idea I took his stuff. He was shocked to hear it and really angry. He's now in trouble too for my stupidity. The worst that can happen is we get F's in the class, but besides the fact that I incriminated an innocent person, it gets worse. I work as a TA for another class, which means I'll probably lose that job. I also just got offered a paid internship last week which means I'll probably lose that. I'll lose my financial aid for next semester and theres a good chance I'll get kicked out of school because my GPA is going to drop too low with a F.
I just royally fucked myself on my second to last semester. I've been in school for 6 years for this degree. Damn I fucked up.
Sorry if I broke any rules or anything, I've never posted here and I don't even subscribe here... I just needed to get it out.
EDIT: Update... I spoke again with the professor today. First off, the kid I stole from is off the hook completely. No trouble for him, no honor court, no nothing. I wrote him an email apologizing again last night and tried to talk to him today about it but he didn't want to talk to me. Rightfully so, if he never speaks to me again, I deserve that and much worse. Regardless, he's not in trouble at all, so I'm happy about that.
Now on to me, apparently there are at least 5 and maybe up to 15 or so students in my same position. Some MUCH worse offenses than others. I would put my offense at the lowest end compared to what others did. Regardless, he's not treating anyone different. He kept saying "let's go through the process". I have no idea what the process is or what is involved in it, but it's scary. Either way, I'm a man at the end of the day and I'll take my lashings. I voiced my concerns about losing my job, my internship, my scholarships, getting kicked out of school for low GPA and he said he would help anyway he can in any of those areas. Be it talk to someone or write a letter. He told me I wouldn't be getting kicked out of school. His recommendation is an F in the course and he had me sign to "admit guilt, and disagree with recommendation". He made it sound like maybe he wants time to think about it, or maybe he wants us to be on academic probation and he's still going to give us normal grades, or maybe he's just trying to put on a nice guy face and he's going to fail all of us. I don't know what will come of it, but he kept trying to imply that there are options. I don't know if he'll use them, but they're there. He's well within his right to fail us all and not say another word. I can only hope for a second chance.
So, anyway, he told me and the others to keep working on our next project. I guess I'll just have to wait for an e-mail or something. Nothing else I really can do. Thanks for all the advice so far. Some of you think I'm Satan for what I did and I understand that, but most replies were very inspirational and helpful. I'll never do anything like that again and I just hope I can clean up this train wreck. Thanks reddit. I'll update again next time I hear anything.
Update 4/18/2014: The professor pulled me aside one day and told me that he was dropping the punishment from F in the course to a 2 letter grade reduction of my final course grade. So if I get a B, I get assigned a D, If I get an A, I get assigned a C. Since I only need a D- to not have to repeat this class, that's fine with me. Plus the fact that I should definitely get an A - I've been doing above average on all other assignments since the issue. I think he did this for everyone who was caught cheating, which is about 15 people from what I hear. So, not as bad of a punishment as an F. It still stinks but you can't argue with justice. It definitely made me happy to know I have a chance of passing the course now. All in all, I feel someone slighted to be lumped into the same category as others who did much more blatant forms of cheating, but I'm not in a place to argue the severity of what I did - and really, it doesn't matter. The professor threw us a bone and I'll take it. I learned a valuable lesson - cover your assets. Grades will be out in a couple weeks and I'll let you know the final say.
Last Update 5/13/2014: Never went to honor court, the issue was dealt with in class with the two letter grade reduction of my final grade. I ended up with a C in the course at the end, meaning I really got an A before the reduction. Overall, good learning experience - scary time. I'm grateful it wasn't any worse. If there were to be another offense, it HAS to go to honor court as the professor is bypassed on a 2nd violation. None of my initial concerns ended up being a problem - I started my internship already, I never lost my job (or was even aware that my boss found out), I didn't lose my financial aid, and my GPA didn't suffer much. I did scar a good friendship, he didn't talk to me for several weeks but I finally called him aside one day and tried to make amends. He seemed thankful for that and after another few weeks - actually acknowledged my presence in front of others, so that was a big step. I doubt I'll ever see the guy again, he graduated, but I feel terrible for putting a friend through that. I thank everyone for their support, I'd never even read a post here before much less posted anything so it was quite surprising to be the fuck of of the week... thanks for that. If anyone else has any questions, feel free to ask.
milessycamore: It seems that there are a few important lessons to take out of this.
1) Your actions can harm others
2) Not following ethical guidelines has consequences.
~~Both of~~ you ~~two~~ should be expelled. He should be censured and/or failed in that class and have to retake it.
You should be because you cheated (or as you already tried to justify as "not plagiarism but definitely a grey area") and he should be for not protecting his work.
To extrapolate this to a larger degree: When someone commits a crime, usually, the perp AND the victim are both harmed.
You VICTIMIZED your "friend" (not that he should be friends with someone who has treated him they way you have)
EDIT: I retract my "expelled" statement for OP's friend. After some users got all up in my ass about it, I realized they were probably right. I still believe that there is some form of punishment in censuring and/or a failing grade, however. Otherwise, pleading ignorance will work for other students who aren't as innocent as OP's friend. I know its not fair but OP's friend could have locked his computer. Leaving your computer open with your final paper onscreen, then leaving your computer in the room for an extended period of time with someone who has to do the same project is negligent
kroneksix: All his friend did was leave his computer unlocked. Saying his friend should be expelled is like saying apu should go to jail when snake robs him
milessycamore: again... as addressed in another comment... his friend didn't "Do nothing"...
his friend left the door open for OP to steal his project. That's not NOTHING...
Reddit is so funny. They would brow-beat someone who left their front door open and got robbed because of it but come to the defense of someone who, essentially does the same thing except with their computer. Its not apples and oranges. More like bananas and plantains
sarge21: > They would brow-beat someone who left their front door open and got robbed because of it
Does "Reddit" think people should go to jail for leaving their door unlocked?
>his friend left the door open for OP to steal his project.
No he didn't
milessycamore: I think you need some lessons in basic logic.
I said:
> ... someone who left their front door open and got robbed because of it
NOT: They deserve to go to jail
and then I said:
> his friend left the door open for OP to steal his project.
you say he didn't but as OP stated:
> A friend of mine whom I also work with left his work on his computer and went to lunch
OP's friend *KNEW* OP had to do the same report as he did.
I call that leaving the front door open... you don't.
What's your address? I'd love to actually *SEE* your definition of a closed front door
sarge21:
>NOT: They deserve to go to jail
You think that OP's friend should be punished by the institution along with OP. You then brought up the analogy of an open door, and how Reddit would brow-beat someone who left it open, calling it, "essentially the same thing".
From your statement "Reddit is so funny" I have inferred that you mean something along the lines of "Reddit is hypocritical about this subject". For this to be the case, you must equate "Reddit" supporting something in the "open door" instance which they disapprove of in the plagarism case. Since the thing most of us disagree with is the OP's friend being punished along with the OP, your original statement can only be interpreted that Reddit supports people who leave their doors open being punished (presumably by legal authorities) along with the people who rob them.
>I call that leaving the front door open... you don't.
>What's your address? I'd love to actually SEE your definition of a closed front door
I said "No he didn't" to "his friend left the door open for OP to steal his project." In that sentence, you are stating that the friend had intent for the OP to steal his project and left his computer unlocked for the purpose of allowing that. If I leave my door open, I'm not automatically leaving my door open for burglars to steal all my shit. I could simply be negligent, or have some other purpose, or maybe my door is broken in some way.
You are simply stating things that have no supporting evidence. Unless there is a specific rule against leaving such ccoursework unlocked on a computer when unattended (the only valid point you have is that there may be such a rule in place. I have no idea), there is no justification for punitive measures.
>I think you need some lessons in basic logic.
I love people that are smug and have no clue. It's like I see an asshole baby and I get to take its candy.
milessycamore: > I said "No he didn't" to "his friend left the door open for OP to steal his project." In that sentence, you are stating that the friend had intent for the OP to steal his project and left his computer unlocked for the purpose of allowing that.
Nope... not what I was stating. You misinterpreted
I get that my metaphor was shaky. Have at that. Fine.
I'm still standing by this: The Honor board should punish, however justly they determine, OP's friend for YES... LEAVING THE DOOR OPEN for his project to be plagiarized. Otherwise, any student who helps another plagiarize can claim ignorance and be absolved.
> I'm not automatically leaving my door open for burglars to steal all my shit. I could simply be negligent, or have some other purpose, or maybe my door is broken in some way.
YES... that's what I'm saying. Negligence has consequences in the context of an academic environment, just as it does in other environments as well. Are you saying that it doesn't?
If your door is broken, and you know that it is... IT IS STILL NEGLIGENT TO LEAVE IT SO. All other instances in this metaphor you're proposing are just speculation anyway, so lets drop that.
Every university's ethics pamphlet that incoming students acknowledge has a provision in it about plagiarizing AND allowing others to plagiarize WHICH INCLUDES negligence.
> You are simply stating things that have no supporting evidence
OH did I miss your links? You've got supporting evidence that shows OP's friend is innocent and absolved of all guilt including negligent guilt? Okay... can you re-link it to me? I missed it amongst all of your bullshit.
Claims:
> I love people that are smug and have no clue.
proceeds to be smug in same statement...
sarge21: >proceeds to be smug in same statement...
Yes, but I have a clue.
milessycamore: No you don't
sarge21: Pretty sure I do
milessycamore: And what "clue" is that you have? An understanding of higher-education ethics? You're a tenured professor at a university or you're an administrator?
fuck off
sarge21: I have a clue of basic logic. Nothing I've said requires me to be either of those things you just mentioned. You're just being weird and silly now.
milessycamore: Just because you say you're using logic doesn't actually mean you're correct in your statement.
Here's my logic:
* Universities have policies about plagiarism and those who allow plagiarism of their work (this also covers negligence).
* OP cheats off of his friend's project because his friend was negligent and didn't lock his computer when he left it alone with his friend WHOM HE KNOWS has to do the same assignment.
So OP should be expelled and OP's friend should be censured and fail the class (meaning he will just have to retake it).
I'm pretty straightforward in my opinion. I don't know yours but its probably along the lines of "its not fair!". Well we all know that isn't the way the world works. OP's friend knew the deal and just trusted the wrong person or was negligent in carrying out their end of the bargain to the university's rules.
What' is illogical about any of these statements?
How does your logic trump mine?
Or are you just a troll?
sarge21: My post addressed the fact that I don't know if University policy prohibits leaving work unlocked on a machine and unattended. I literally said that you making that point was valid earlier. If that is their policy, then the friend should face the consequences written out in it.
I was specifically addressing your comment about "Reddit being funny" regarding this and the open door analogy/comparison, and also you saying he was "leaving his door open for OP to steal his project" which implies intent.
So, yeah, my logic is sound, my posts don't make any claims which require knowledge of the University's policies, and your most recent post doesn't address what I've been saying.
I feel pretty comfortable withdrawing from this conversation at this point.
milessycamore: good
| 16 | 136.875 | |
1394577393 | 1395150469 | t3_206fm8 | t5_2to41 | 2 | Risen_Warrior: TIFU by getting Pepper Spray on my hands.
So today I was going though my desk looking for a pencil and I came across a container of pepper spray. I tried spraying it, but apparently it was old, so it just dribbled down onto my hand, so I threw it away and washed my hands. Apparently washing my hands didn't get it all off, so when I tried pissing later, it got on my dick and now it feels like my dick is in fire.
TL;DR Got pepper spray on my dick. It burns.
rhino2348: Why would you spray pepper spray into your hand? lol
AndroidImpact: read again
rhino2348: A bit late huh? Lol
I noticed the mistake the next day
AndroidImpact: delete it
| 5 | 0.4 | |
1394588432 | 1395159057 | t3_206xd3 | t5_2to41 | 14 | CanuckPhuck: TIFU by leaving the car running
I picked my sister up from work tonight. I decided I would drop her off at home before stopping to get gas. I pulled up to the house and saw my cousin's car in the driveway. Anyways, ended up talking to him for a long while, forgetting my car was left running in the driveway because "I will just say a quick hello". The car was already super low on gas. It ran completely dry. At least my cousin was there to give me a lift to the gas station.
RedMushtoom: Just be glad it ran dry. Leaving a running car unattended is very dangerous. The engine could have overheated and thrown a rod. The car could have slipped into gear and gone rolling. It could have been stolen, or a child could have started playing in the car. If anything serious had went wrong there would have been nothing you could have done about it.
Call this one a lesson learned, and cheaply at that.
Splashonda: "The engine could have overheated and thrown a rod"
Wut? If he left a brick on the gas pedal yeah, but if it's just idling not a chance in the world.
RedMushtoom: I recently had to have the coolant temperature sensor in my car replaced. It's a little gizmo that turns the cooling fan on when the engine is warm. Without it, my car's engine was red-lining as soon as it warmed up because the cooling fan wasn't working. While idling, my car was overheating. If a car's allowed to overheat long enough, it'll throw a rod.
Splashonda: Yeah, but your car had a malfuncion. 99.9% of other cars on the road don't have that malfunction. On a car in good working order that never happens. Truckers in cold climates leave the engine idling all night in order to have heating for example.
Plus if your car overheats it doesn't mean it's going to throw a rod. Sometimes the bearings just seize and the engine stops.
132435465768790: I dont think u/redmushtoom has any clue as to how a car works... Saying that the car red lines when warmed up doesnt make sense since the "red line" is talking about the engine RPM. I would be very surprised if u/redmushtoom knew the difference between a car "throwing a rod" as they put it and a child throwing a temper tantrum
jchabotte: I have to agree. Throwing a rod would be a goddamn miracle of shit engineering if it happened because of overheating. Most likely what happens is that the cylinder heads would risk being warped. if the thing was stolen, obviously someone wouldn't have gotten more than a couple miles simply because it was super low on gas and stepping on it to get away would have consumed a LOT more gas.
Once a buddy of mine left his car running all night long by accident at work (don't ask me how) and the worst thing to happen was that he had left the heater on and it was a freaking oven when he got in. and he was down a 1/3 tank.
grown: I think that Redmushtoom probably left her car idling all night, ran out of gas, and called a tow/garage. They proceeded to make up problems and charge her for repairs/tow/gas.
Many people will believe anything the mechanic tells them.
| 8 | 1.75 | |
1394595180 | 1394641824 | t3_207836 | t5_2to41 | 63 | martymar18: TIFU by accidentally hypnotizing myself
A while back I went to a hypnotist show where I was one of the volunteers who was hypnotized. I remember some of what they had me do but in bits and piece that seem almost like dreams with no real context. Recently I have been using online hypnosis videos to try and sleep better. One of the videos I found was making someone forget their name, something the hypnotist at the show made me do.
So I start watching the video. Everything is fine. The chick starts to do a count down. When she gives the sleep command I black out. I wake up 20 minutes later. It was only when my brother asks me why I was saying my name was amber and not my real name that I realize I had accidentally hypnotized myself. I felt really really dumb.
wild_a: Can you tell me the link(s) of the videos that show this. I wanna try lol
vgalosky: I second this
irGoodman: Definitely.
EL_CAVEMAN: I need these videos
Broue: Me too!
stillsleeping: op plz
| 7 | 9 | |
1394600272 | 1394768729 | t3_207f4u | t5_2to41 | 219 | [deleted]: TIFU by falling asleep whilst masturbating.
This was actually a while ago, but oh well.
The title sums it up pretty nicely, but I was in my bedroom lying on my bed and beating off, holding the sausage hostage, choking the chicken, spanking the monkey or whatever you'd like to call it. I had my laptop open on my bed, but obviously what I happened to be watching was boring enough for me to fall asleep right there, dick in hand.
I don't know why he thought it would be a good idea, but my brother just walked into my room without knocking and witnessed the disturbing yet probably hilarious sight of me sleeping happily, my boxers by my ankles and my dick in my hand whilst a video plays next to me on my bed. I didn't wake up, but he said he left right away and couldn't contain his laughter. My mum, being the n̶o̶s̶y̶ curious person she is, wanted to know what was funny and tried to go into my room to see what was so funny. My brother, still laughing apparently, didn't let her but had to say why so she didn't just storm in. My brother grabbed a shoe and through it blindly into the room whilst yelling for me to wake up, which I did. Realising what had happened, I put everything away and got dressed, leaving the house without saying a word and went for about an hour long walk because I was too embarrassed to face anybody. Finally went home, my brother and dad (why the fuck did somebody tell him) laughed about it and my mum didn't say anything, but she obviously found it amusing.
It doesn't end there. My dad has told this story or has referenced to it at almost every family gathering since.
So, yeah. That's that.
tl;dr - Feel asleep whilst knocking one out, fell asleep. Brother walked in and see me in all my glory. Left, parents found out and now my whole family knows.
BLOB_cat: This **will** be mentioned at your wedding.
WhoopsSorry: I never thought of that. Uh oh.
MLGxBanana: and to your kids
and your kids kids
not even kidding this is going to be family history for a few generations
WhoopsSorry: It can't go on that long! Surely?
:(
MLGxBanana: hahahaha i feel so sorry for you im sorry for laughing its really funny!
but yes. like no sarcasm most normal families wont forget this. its best to embrace it, as a new part to your character! you are the one who masturbates! be proud my friend.
AccidentalRebel72: Let me tell you the story of your great great grandfather: The Sleep Wanker
| 7 | 31.285714 | |
1394607484 | 1394744793 | t3_207mrv | t5_2to41 | 11 | oilyhampster: TIFU by accidentally spilling a puddle of white out onto my desk at school
I found a white out pen today and when i tried to use it it didn't work, so i was curious of what the ball that mixes the white out (don't know it's technical term). I screw the point of the pen off and tipped it downwards and tried to tip the ball out of the pen. Plot twist, the white out still has the liquid in it. next thing i know a puddle of white out the size of a cd rom is on my desk in front of me. I panicked and covered it with my book. My friend looked at me and said "What did you do?" I didn't say anything and looked around the room for a tissue box and walked over to grab it. As i walk back to my desk i notice my friend move my book to see what i did and now the white out was even more spread out than before, my friend in his seat laughing hysterically. Now the whole class has seen what i have done, wipe the shit out of the white out with tissue. Other friend helps clean up, first friend still laughing. White out ends up dried on my book, luckily not on the desk. Once the chaos was over my teacher walks to my desk and tells me that i should probably not have a white out pen anymore and gave it to my friend to hold.
tl;dr curiosity is a cruel mistress
AUTISTIC_PENIS: Why would you put your book over a puddle of whiteout?
oilyhampster: I panicked and thought the need to hide it to prevent being embarrassed
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1394618245 | 1394792841 | t3_207v76 | t5_2to41 | 133 | Wo0dles: TIFU by ruining the lives of a few children. (M)
I work nights, so i woke around 1pm and decided to go for a run before work. I grabbed my work stuff, threw it in my truck and proceeded with my run (its about 2pm by now). I return from my run (2:45ish) sweaty and exsausted, jump in my truck and pull off to head to work. Well on the way there, i can feel the sweat of my ass seeping into my recently washed seats. Not thinking to check my surroundings, i grab a pair of pants from the back seat and proceed to change at the stoplight (trying to be quick). After a bit i succeed in changing before the green light. I feel relieved until, to my horror, i finally see the school bus that has been DIRECTLY beside me for all of this. I look up and see two little girls in one window and a little boy in another looking back at me. All of them quickly look away after eye contact was made, but i knew. They had seen it all, to include my sweaty undercarriage and its exccessive flopping while i tried to hurry.
TL;DR: I accidentally exposed my sweaty man meat to a school bus at a stoplight.
Liquid-02: Welcome to an NSA watch list.
Wo0dles: Crap...
Obvious_NSA_Agent: Hope you enjoy being listed as Sex Offender #682173!
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KristyConfused: What's #A55A55
chrometoxins: Apparently not worth his time.
| 10 | 13.3 | |
1394620281 | 1394641186 | t3_207ws2 | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: Tifu by taking a bath.
I took a nice, short bath after a *very* difficult work day. I was relaxed and happy as hell. I get out and no towels were around. "fuck I'll just run out and get it" I think to myself. "It's 12 am, everyone is in bed." I peek out, ask if anyone is out there, and look out for my towel. I can't see at the angle I'm at, so I semi run out, leaving puddles all over the wood floor. I hear the door open behind me and turn and run to my room about three steps behind me. I try to run and slip around. I get in my room and slam the door. I fall down face first onto a pile of books on my floor and yelp in pain. My mom, worried, opens the door and sees my bare everything strewn across the floor. She yells "I'M SO SORRY" and slams the door shut.
I go out later (dressed) and we both apologize, hug, and go our separate ways for the night.. I wish my mom would stop seeing me naked on accidents.
poohspiglet: Ain't nothing yo momma hasn't seen before.
nippletonbonerfart: Good point, but a bad way of saying it.
poohspiglet: Truth.
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1394629237 | 1394687370 | t3_2084yj | t5_2to41 | 2,219 | juicyjes: TIFU by telling a large African women that I was sexually excited by her coconuts
So, I'm living in a French speaking African country for a few months, and my French is actually pretty solid. Directly translated, however, "I am excited" means "I am horny" (Je suis excitée). I was buying coconuts from a woman selling them on the side of the road and I casually said "Thinking about having these coconuts later is making me really horny".
She looked at me, I looked at her, I realized what I said, and I just awkwardly chuckled and said "Oh, I'm happy... the coconuts... tonight... not horny.... ummmm bye" She laughed, and I ran away. I know it was an honest mistake, but shoot I'm embarrassed. I hope I never see her again.
SirDigbyChknCaesar: I've got a loverly bunch of coconuts
itislaboeuf: deedally deee
Deadrelative: Here they are a-standing in a row
itislaboeuf: ohh I never had to do this for Mufasa
play_or_draw: WHAT DID YOU SAY?
cockstomped: Stupid fat hobbits
HonorableSailorPenis: THE BALROG OF MORDOR
itaremeelar: *Morgoth
HonorableSailorPenis: FUCK IT I'M DONE. THERE ARE BALROGS FROM EVERY REGION ANYWAYS.
itislaboeuf: i love how lack of LOTR knowledge results in downvotes
HonorableSailorPenis: I wanna go home now.
Ourous: I don't see any seamen, so that isn't an option.
| 13 | 170.692308 | |
1394632803 | 1394810616 | t3_20893k | t5_2to41 | 315 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting both me and my family's company sued
So about two years ago I was driving down an empty major highway; however, after coming over the peak of a hill I found a Jeep completely stopped in the fast lane. There wasn't enough time for me to stop, I tried quickly changing lanes but I ended up clipping the back corner of their truck flipping it on it's side. Totaling both their truck and my car
There were three girls in tipped Jeep, apparently they stopped for an ambulance coming the opposite direction, even though there's a 5 foot median wall separating traffic. The girls initially said they were fine at the scene of the accident, none of them took a ride in the ambulance and besides being shaken and scraped up a little all were doing quite well.
Anyways so about a month ago I get a notice from my insurance company that I'm getting sued by two out of the three girls in the car. Insurance will hire an attorney and cover all liabilities EXCEPT for punitive damages which will be assigned should these girls not settle the case and decide to try their day at court. There's a cap on damages of $250k per person or 1.5x their economic damages; so if they get $100k in economic damages I'll liable for up to another $150k per person.
Alright so this is more than enough to make me ill; however, my family owns a publicly traded company and the car was insured by their holding company. So now on top of me personally being sued they're also going after my family's company even though I wasn't working for my family at the time of the accident.
TIFU.
Splashonda: Oh americans and their lawsuits.
SatansChronic: Honestly I have zero clue why you're being down voted. Americans fucking love suing each other over petty things. This might not be petty but it doesn't sound like OP was completely at fault here (girls stopping in the middle of a highway, right over the crest of a hill managing not to be seen). Seems like that should be taken into consideration.
nowonmai: In most other countries, the loser pays the legal fees. In the US this is not so. This encourages people to chance their arm, with lawyers taking the case on a contingency basis making this a low risk proposition for all except the defendant.
shredderrrrrr: You're ignoring that many lawsuits in the US are subject to lawyer fee provisions, allowing the victorious party to receive compensation for the costs of going to court.
nowonmai: I wasn't actually aware of that. Thanks.
shredderrrrrr: You're right though in the sense that America's system is pretty silly. Not only are attorney fees not always available, but often the risk of losing, even with the possibility of attorney's fees should they win, is too high to even allow a lawsuit. This forces people to negotiate and comply with the other party's demands.
This is hugely problematic, say, in trademark cases. Lets say Susan's Onesies makes baby clothing and then Gerber (who owns the trademarked term "Onesies") demands that she cease and desist lest they file a lawsuit against her. Susan would probably win at trial because "Onesie" would more than likely be considered a generic term these days. However, the lawsuit would likely cost hundreds of thousands of dollars, if not millions. Even if there was an option for attorney's fees, would it be worth Susan to even take to trial? Probably not, because the threat of losing hundreds of thousands of dollars, however unlikely, overrides the minimal income she likely makes using the mark.
The system really does favor those with money and it is pretty sad at times.
| 7 | 45 | |
1394636969 | 1394640948 | t3_208ezh | t5_2to41 | 126 | indecisive311: TIFU by trying to rip the tag off a neck pillow
Currently stuck in Memphis killing time. I wanted to sleep on the flight, so before we boarded, I bought one of those neck pillows with the little beads in it, kinda like a bean bag, but with little tiny foam beads. We get on the plane, and I notice it has a rather large, annoying tag on it. I don't have scissors, so I think I can "yank" it off real quick. Nope. I ripped a giant hole in it. Fucking beads everywhere. All over me. All over the guy next to me. All over my carry-on. I tried to pick it up and pinch off the hole, but more beads just kept pouring out. Had to push my flight attendant button and get her to bring me a trash bag. There was no trying to clean it up. They were all full of static. They're still stuck to my pants, bag, shirt, hair.
TL;DR Leave the fucking tag on.
DRUMS_: Did you guys laugh it off at least?
indecisive311: Sorta. The guy thought it was funny. But I got about 1.5 hours of sleep because I let a heroin addict stay on my couch in my hotel room last night, and wasn't in the mood. Yes an actual heroin addict... maybe that's another thread, haha.
nippletonbonerfart: I feel like there's a good story there, could you please share it?
| 4 | 31.5 | |
1394629558 | 1394738077 | t3_2085bf | t5_2to41 | 112 | iKidCudi: TIFU by calling a black security guy "Ma nigga"
Me and some friends were (drunk) taking a short cut through the local botanical gardens. When we jumped the fence to get out though we came face to face with two security guys (campus watch, university town).
They gave us a talk about trespassing and told us not to do it again, although they heard us putting our bottles in the bins so they went easy on us and let us off. I was really drunk and in my stupor I patted the (black) guard on the shoulder and called him "ma nigga" as we walked away.
I didn't even realize I had said it until my mates started cracking up further down the street and told me I was a dick.
Lucky he was a chill guy!
nippletonbonerfart: You got away without any trouble so this isn't really a fuck up, but it's a funny story nonetheless.
[deleted]: In NY everyone says nigga, it's crazy
BoonTobias: The best is when someone said nah na, black niggaz can't ball like them Chinese niggaz ova there
| 4 | 28 | |
1394638637 | 1394764482 | t3_208hko | t5_2to41 | 38 | AccuVox: TIFU by letting my best friend take the fall
This happened 4 years ago but [this question](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1zsl4l/have_you_ever_farted_accidentally_in_front_of/) on ask reddit bought back some fond memories. I posted this there but no one payed heed to my youthful flatulence, so here it is
I had a crush on this girl in high school and I initially didn't have the courage to talk to her, but in this one class this guy ,lets call him tom, who used to be my best mate was paired up with her for a project. So during class we had this free time to discuss what we were going to do for our projects, anyway I decided to go over to their desk and start a conversation with her, we started talking and everything is going great I feel confident and Im on top of my game, suddenly I feel this fart trying escape the confines of my bum, I make the dire mistake of clenching my cheeks together to hold it in but the vile gas bubble got the better of me and escaped the confines of my asshole with a thunderous and resounding shout of victory, and then SILENCE. Meanwhile Tom being my best mate and all took the bullet and said he did it, she laughed, but she knew it was me. Two weeks later Tom being my best mate and all took the bullet and started having gland to gland combat with her.
tl;dr: I farted and my best mate got the girl.
jchabotte: did he bang her?
MrBig0: > gland to gland combat
jchabotte: i took this to mean a farting contest.
KristyConfused: Why would you think that?
| 5 | 7.6 | |
1394651105 | 1394986555 | t3_2093du | t5_2to41 | 27 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting caught looking at pictures of deformed penises by my maths teacher
Okay so I was in my form room. Me and my friends in there often go on the computers and look at the weirdest stuff we can find, our form tutor has gotten used to this and has seen everything from Potato Knishes to horse porn. So today I was in the restricted section of Wikipedia and I saw a photo of a penis that looked very deformed, the head looked like it had been cut in half. I clicked on it to get my friends to react but one of them said turn around and my form tutor was answering the door and my old, strict and prudish maths teacher was there staring right at me, and all I could do was scroll down and put my head in my hands.
I have maths first lesson tomorrow and I am scared.
That_Deaf_Guy: So you basically look at animal porn in school and your teacher is okay with it? Remind me not to enrol where you are.
mcmacjibberjab: It's not in a lesson, why should he care? And we don't get a kick out of it
That_Deaf_Guy: It's just weird, the norm in my high school would be the teacher telling us to get off the site or the site being blocked overall.
mcmacjibberjab: If its too extreme he will tell us to get off and majority of sites are blocked
Pyramat: I'm struggling to think of a situation in which horse porn isn't considered extreme.
mcmacjibberjab: Yeah that was an extreme example. It happened once due to a mistype of a URL
TheBanger: Dammit, I meant to go to "hoseporn.com", not "horseporn.com"!
mcmacjibberjab: iambrony.com vs iamabrony.com big difference
theredvip3r: Are you a fellow brony ? /)
mcmacjibberjab: Sadly no, we took a test on the website as a joke
| 11 | 2.454545 | |
1394671335 | 1394744650 | t3_20a2mi | t5_2to41 | 31 | Dr_VictorFries: TIFU By Admitting Marijuana Use
Semi-Throwaway
Today I fucked up. I was planning on joining the military and admitted to being a previous user of marijuana (Not now, clean for ~4 years) to a recruiter over the phone. But I told the recruiter that I was previously a *moderate* user that used >100 times. As soon as I finished saying this the recruiter ended our conversation and told me I was disqualified and hung up. This office has my name and phone number.
I was really relying on this specific branch for furthering my career and getting tuition paid for. I really don't have any other options that I'm willing to explore in the military.
Now it looks like it's not an option anymore because I was dumb in high school. This sucks, I should've researched everything beforehand.
TIFU
UrbanizedKnave: Talk to a different recruiter, preferably a Sergeant or above. For low grade crime, and stuff like former marijuana use, you can get a morals waiver that will allow you to join. Possibly
Dr_VictorFries: But is there a record of what was said? This is my concern, I'm not familiar with how it works.
solidgold77: Usually when your call is recorded, they have to tell you that it is being recorded. If not its probably wrong.
Dr_VictorFries: I wasn't told the call was recorded. But my fear is there is a written account of what was said and it might affect me If I go to another recruiter and this info pops up
solidgold77: You have nothing to loose by trying to talk to someone else. I know i would try when it comes down to my future.
| 6 | 5.166667 | |
1394670517 | 1394675368 | t3_20a192 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU By not putting the moves on a girl and being awkward
Actually happened last Saturday but the feeling of fuck up is still evident. So I met this girl a few weeks ago through friends and there was a mutual attraction. I found her facebook and eventually got her number. We texted about everyday, and low and behold she has a boyfriend... BUT she still wants to hang out with me. I'm not really looking for anything serious, so this doesn't really raise any red flags to me. Yeah fuck me for being an asshole, but she seemed kind of slutty anyways (pulled her pants down to show me her leg tattoo when we first met) and I kind of liked her even if we were just going to be friends.
So anyway, things are going good, flirty texts, getting to know each other, pics, but she still won't come over. She seems like she wants to but doesn't want to cheat. Until one day she invites me to come hang out with her and a bunch of her friends for one of their B-days, dinner and then the bar. Now I'm thinking, "Damn her boyfriend is probably going to be there and I'm going to feel bad". But I say fuck it and decide to go anyway because she seems so enthusiastic about it. Also I figure she might have hot friends even if she is off the table. So the week passes and she remains to be excited about the upcoming night, mainly because she is always busy with school and work. I was also excited for the same reasons, working 2 jobs at the moment. So I get there on time with a couple buddys... and no one else is there yet... shit. So we tell the waitress about the reservation and she acknowledges that there is in fact a reservation. So we sit down, and wait. At this point I must inform you that I did not know the birthday girl. So in walks the bday girl with...... HER FAMILY! WHAT?!?! Is this a family event?? Wtf did I get me and my friends into?? We are all pretty chill though, and a little buzzed at this point, so fuck it, we make friends as everyone there questions who the fuck we are.
After an awkward 15 minutes in walks the girl of my interest. She's looking good AND no boyfriend is present :) I'm pretty pumped at this point realizing the implication of her invitation. We continue our night, now being accepted into this awkward birthday dinner. Drinking, flirting, food, the night is going in my favor until dinner is over and it is time to go the bar. My friends wimp out on me and tell me they don't want to go. So I man up and ask this girl if I can ride with her. She says yes, and I'm like fuck yeah, so things are still going good at this point. We get in the car and make it to the bar. The instant I step into the bar I realize I have fucked up... my buddies... they are gone. I no longer have a comfort zone. The only person I really know is this girl and I haven't even known her that long. She on the other hands knows the majority of the people here. I feel awkward following her around being all clingy. So what do I do? I try to mingle and almost unconsciously avoid her.
She even buys ME a drink, a pink panty dropper to be specific. I'm still feeling awkward even though she's still giving me these flirty glances. I just can't regain confidence at this point. She senses something is a miss and her brother shows up at one point. I go outside to smoke and when I come back in I see her walking out without saying goodbye or anything. Granted she was pretty wasted at this point, but still. I just let her go, knowing i had fucked this night all up. The next day I text her, no response. OK, whatever, so I give it a day and then try again, still nothing! FUCK! At this point I know contact is futile and that further attempts will only make me look pathetic and desperate. I feel the need to explain I was out of my element and feeling awkward, but its probably too late for that. Shit, I think I really liked this girl. I know I miss texting her. I wish we could at least be friends, but my awkwardness at the bar must have really turned her off.
TL;DR - I ruined a connection to a girl I have been talking to for weeks after having a great dinner and then not being able to finish the night off at the bar.
Also I'm sorry there was no bodily fluids involved
Raven_Rise: It makes you story more readable if you break it up into paragraphs.
AznTakingOver: BAM motherfucking paragraphs!
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1394674899 | 1394753354 | t3_20a861 | t5_2to41 | 119 | iamtheonewhotokes: TIFU by romantically kissing my mom on the lips
I've been away from home for about a year, and pretty much the only female encounters I've had the whole time is with my girlfriend. I work with all dudes and don't interact with any girls unless you count store clerks. I finally came back to visit my parents, and after hugging my mom I pulled back and kissed her out of habit as I would with my girlfriend.
[deleted]: How did she react?
vgalosky: She pushed me to the floor and mounted me.
[deleted]: I wish my mom was that cool.
FrozenTaco5: My dad is that cool.
rabbihitler: I don't even have to kiss him first
[deleted]: Neither do I... Don't tell your mom. At least not until after the divorce
| 7 | 17 | |
1394671501 | 1394743662 | t3_20a2w3 | t5_2to41 | 34 | gentleman_horse: TIFU by finding my fetish.
Well, this happened last night, but oh well.
I was browsing some porn subreddits when I found a lovely one called /r/joi or jerk off instructions. Well I started masturbating, and when I came, I came more than I ever have before. I should add I was lying in bed. So when I came, I shot all the way up to my face, and got jizz in my eye, hair, and a lot of it went in my mouth. I did not like having jizz in my mouth, it tasted like what I imagine urine would taste like.
ragnahaslosdong: Guess you Wouldn't be into /r/cei then
CeT-To: I'm too chicken to click on either of those subreddits... can you tell me what they are?
Danman101: Oh gross i think it cum eating intructions
ilikeeatingbrains: How you get swole bro.
ragnahaslosdong: Protein 4 dayz
ilikeeatingbrains: hahaha
| 7 | 4.857143 | |
1394681990 | 1394723575 | t3_20aj02 | t5_2to41 | 1,397 | kittycatkisser: TIFU by telling a mother I thought her son would grow up to be tall.
I recently re-connected with an old friend of mine, and I met her 6 month old son for the first time. Knowing her husband (who is well over 6 feet) and she is also quite tall, I told her "I bet he grows up to be tall and handsome just like his daddy." She immediately started crying. She then told me that her son has recently been diagnosed with achondroplasia (a form of dwarfism) I have never felt as bad in my entire life.
Pixeleyes: Ofttimes a very small man can cast a very large shadow.
Octopus_Tetris: Depends on the angle of the light source.
That_Deaf_Guy: Ladies and gentlemen, Dwight Schrute.
HythlodaeusRex: I wanted to upvote both of these, but couldn't bring myself to break the 2/1 ratio of previous upvotes.
KellyeTheGreat: Took care of that for you, upvote away
[deleted]: Had to up vote both, kept the train rolling
ilikeeatingbrains: Is this where I get off for the circlejerk?
| 8 | 174.625 | |
1394690095 | 1394694079 | t3_20asve | t5_2to41 | 10 | upads: TIFU By giving head, need help
I haven't met with my boyfriend for a few weeks already and we were getting a little frisky during lunch so we went for a quickie in the toilet...
Long story short, he blew his load down my throat and it is SO THICK. It is stuck at the back of my throat and I can't get rid of it. I drank a lot of water and ate some bread to wash it down, I gagged myself too AND THAT GLOB OF CUM IS STILL THERE.
I speak weird now and I got a conference in two hours. Fuck. Someone please give me some advice to what the fuck I do!!
vgalosky: Gargle warm water with baking soda, lots of gargling
upads: Where the fuck do I find baking soda I am in the office.
I am keeping my mouth shut so tight it's not even funny. I can smell that glob of cum through my throat.
vgalosky: Ok find something long and thin to scrape it off
upads: I tried my fingers. Not long enough. I am not sure what else is long AND safe.
Found a bottle of half soda water in the fridge. Stole it. Downed it.
It's Vodka.
yagmot: have a toothbrush with you?
| 6 | 1.666667 | |
1394699004 | 1394760571 | t3_20b07e | t5_2to41 | 47 | SneerfulWizard: TIFU by peeing on my floss
So it's about 3 am and I was multitasking buying flossing while taking a piss. I got some schmoo on my floss and rather than rinse it under a tap, I rinsed it in my stream of pee. And proceeded to floss my fucking mouth with it. It was disgusting and needless to say I won't be doing that again soon.
dopedupdollies: but...but.. *why* would you do that?!
wrectangle: Clearly for efficiency.
| 3 | 15.666667 | |
1394688612 | 1394718480 | t3_20ar8z | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU - Made a joke to the Sr. VP about him being a "junkie".
Company dinner - end up seated next to the Sr. VP.
Discussion gets off into the weeds, somehow find myself (middle management) talking about heroine with with my boss and the Sr. VP, (no idea how we got on that subject). SR. VP starts talking about having taken "Oxycontin" for some back pain and how goofy it made him feel.
For some dumbass reason I figured it'd be cool to blurt out (in the VP's fave) "you telling me our Sr. VP is a junkie"?
My boss gave me the death glare. The Sr. VP gave me a strange look then immediately started backpedaling over the Oxycontin use and got a bit defensive like he really thought I was serious when I made the "junkie" joke.
Not going to be rehashing that dinner story at work.
EL_CAVEMAN: This is an easy one, just apologize, and say you were misunderstood.
If needed throw in the alcohol excuse and say you were drunk.. Keep in mind in two months nobody will remember that.
[deleted]: I don't drink, so the drunk excuse won't work.
| 3 | 3 | |
1394716723 | 1395266705 | t3_20bcpg | t5_2to41 | 16 | GroundsKeeper2: TIFU by getting my first speeding ticket...
*Really, it was yesterday.*
* I had just come from my first meeting with employment agency (I work 2 part-time jobs, but just started using this employment agency that day) and had received excellent news concerning employment. So I was feeling great afterwords on the drive home (bout an hour drive). **Mistake #1.**
* And since it was a long drive, I was listening to the radio. **Mistake #2.**
* And I REALLY had to use the restroom, and my exit was less than a mile away. **Mistake #3.**
I lost 2 points and an $81 ticket.
I'm thinking of going to traffic court (not required) and explaining this. Is there any possibility of *not* getting the 2 points removed? Does anyone have experience with this?
Thanks for listening.
EDIT: I was going 79 in a 70mph zone.
[deleted]: Go to court. I've been pulled over for speeding 5 or 6 times (never very fast, I live in a county that will give you a ticket for going 4 over) I received pbj every time except the last because I wasn't a teenager anymore. If the cop doesn't show you don't pay. Always go to court over a ticket, always!!!!
GroundsKeeper2: Out of curiosity, what's "pbj?"
[deleted]: Probation before judgement. You get off if you don't get a ticket within the next year.
GroundsKeeper2: Ah K.
| 5 | 3.2 | |
1394727447 | 1394968915 | t3_20breq | t5_2to41 | 46 | zsnopek: TIFU by shitting myself
This story is a little bit older but I wanted to share it with you anyways.
I was in elementary school. Our teacher gave us an asignement to watch a gymnastic competition instead of attending gym class.
It was early morning, 7 AM. I woke up, ate greasy leafy cheese-pie for breakfast and off I went. Since I was young and didn't know city well, friends and I took a longer route to the local arena where the competition was taking place.
When we finally got there, we sat down and watched these beautiful girls warm up, stretch etc. I thought to myself: "Well, this isn't too bad. I'm kinda enjoying myself". About 20 min in my stomach starts growling.
"Okay.. I've been there before, I can handle this", I said to myself.
"I can keep it in. Nothing to worry about."
As I was thinking that, my stomach starts cramping up and immense pain takes over. Then I realised, I have to find a toilet. Fast.
So, I ran to the lobby. All the toilets are occupied because the girls are changing their clothes and doing last minute preparations.
Fuck. I have to get home ASAP. Remember, I told you that I didn't know my city well at that time because I was young. Now, I had to take the longer route back home. And I had to shit. Really bad.
Cold sweat came over me. I start walking slowly. Every step is an agony. My buttcheeks are clenched together as I conquer the sidewalk, step by step. Never felt like this before in my life. The urge to shit was so powerful, like I drank a bottle of laxatives.
After what seemed like an eternity and probably took only 15 minutes of walking with my ass clenched, I decide to shit myself. Just gave up. I was ready for a torrent of shit just flying, spraying everything in sight. I slowly start to relax the muscles in my butt. Instead of a shit tornado: hot, thick, steaming pile of shit starts filling my pants. It was so heavy.
"Uhhhh.. What a relief." I am not even feeling guilty about that.
Now, I face another problem. Which route to take home so less people will notice I just shat myself. I decide on a route. Good, there is not too many people around. Suddenly, old man with a hunchback and a walking stick stops me. Asks me to help him by going to the store and buying him a detergent. I just couldn't say no to him. So, now I'm in the store reeking of shit and buying a fucking detergent. He gives me an apple as a reward afterwards. When he left I threw that apple into the air with all my might.
When I finally got home and told my mother what just happend she took my shitty underwear and had to wash it first in a bathtub. Imagine 40 gallons of brown shit water. We both almost puked. Had a good laugh afterwards.
TLDR: I shit myself. Help old man out. He gives me an apple as a reward. Shitwater.
vlovesf: >she took my shitty underwear and had to wash it first in a bathtub.
Washing shitty underwear or clothes would be furthest from my mind. I would have thrown their ashes away after I burned them.
Bjwebb1991: Yep, me too.
| 3 | 15.333333 | |
1394731650 | 1394739158 | t3_20by4h | t5_2to41 | 142 | [deleted]: TIFU by congratulating my former co-worker's wife on being pregnant and expecting a new baby....Turns out she is just fat. I congratulated a fat woman for being pregnant with cheeseburgers
ToolFO: Look at it on the bright side. You fucked up by actively motivating someone to become healthier.
ThePlayfulPython: True! Maybe she needed a wake up call and you just gave her one. Maybe you saved her from the heart attack she would've had five years from now. Remind her of that in five years if she loses the chub.
jmk816: Yeah, it's not like a suprise to her that she is overweight. One (accidental) mean comment isn't going to do it, when I'm sure she has thought or been told worse.
i_pk_pjers_i: Fat guy here, can confirm.
| 5 | 28.4 | |
1394731765 | 1394755254 | t3_20byb6 | t5_2to41 | 71 | [deleted]: TIFU by saying my ex's name during sex.
I was drunk. I wasn't even thinking about her. As soon as it happened I tried to stop it. She left the room, came back and I tried to apologize, but she asked me to leave. I feel so horrible about it. It was just an accident. I don't know how to make it right with her.
poohspiglet: Tell her that obviously you were functioning on a lack of blood to your brain because it was other places. Tell her that you want to make it up to her and that sober you is kicking drunk you's ass big time. Ask her how sober you can make it up to her. This may cost sober you some money for a good dinner, or spa, etc.. But if you really were drunk, shit like that happens. After all, if you really were drunk and thinking of ex you wouldn't have had the blood supply problem, right?
FrozenTaco5: If money is an issue, sober you can mug drunk you and take his wallet.
poohspiglet: Excellent point! I love it!
| 4 | 17.75 | |
1394736779 | 1394766649 | t3_20c6iz | t5_2to41 | 51 | rebreaded: TIFU by putting milk in my coffee.
(This was yesterday)
I suck at mornings. No. I'm fucking awful at mornings. Unless I have caffeine in my bloodstream within 10 minutes of waking up I'm going back to sleep. Usually it's not a problem, usually I'll hit up the coffee truck on the way to class. Yesterday, though. Christ, yesterday was different.
I woke up too late to be able to get coffee, and I just so happened to have been drinking that magical black tar the night before. I woke up, saw my tumbler on my desk, felt it was half full and took a giant gulp and sent it down the hatch. Usually it's black. One sugar. Not this time. No, two nights ago I wanted to try with milk since I hadn't drank it like that for a while. I used my roommate's shit. It was already almost spoiled. I'm so fucking stupid. Fuck me. Fuck me.
Well, yesterday morning when I drank it, it was more than spoiled. That shit was rancid. And I felt it as it went down. Rancid, putrid, disgusting old milk. I felt it in my stomach at first in class, and then when I got back, and then my stomach was just in tier 5 meltdown. I tried to shit, but nothing happened. Just a fucking knife cutting up the liner of my stomach. I downed so much Pepto I actually think I became like that pink Pokemon that can turn into anything. Ditto? Yeah, I was turning into a pile of shit that couldn't move without aching and wanting to blow my fucking brains out.
I sat in bed and watched 24 and drank a metric mooseload of tea. I finally fell asleep and I'm just now am able to actually put food in my stomach.
I'm never putting milk in my coffee again.
ferrarisnowday: So you got to take a day off watching TV? Good guy milk!
rebreaded: No...I still had classes and work to do. Fucking milk, man, WHO DRINKS THIS SHIT?
goss98789: Wisconsin here, and we drink "this shit" quite a lot.
| 4 | 12.75 | |
1394739688 | 1394775682 | t3_20cbfh | t5_2to41 | 1,855 | [deleted]: TIFU - I Farted at Work
They're doing construction in the lobby and curbside below us- lots of drilling, hammering and jackhammering. I'm sitting here doing my work, having recently changed my office chair from one with a cushion bottom to one with a solid plastic yet comfortable seat when I suddenly ballooned with methane. For reference I share an open office plan with about 14 other employees, our cubicles extending no more than about a foot and a half above desk level, so everyone can see and for the most part hear each other if silence otherwise abounded.
I believed that the loud continuous noise of the construction would eclipse any audible disturbance I might cause in releasing the bubbles between my cheeks. It was tenacious, it tore through flaps of flesh and crashed through the echoing chambers of my ass and plastic like the roar of organic machinery. It billowed, rising and falling in pitch like how a majestic bird with a broken wing would in a heavy gale. It resonated and reverberated, 3, 4, 5 seconds.. continuing into a deep moan punctuated by small sputters. I heard it all; the moment I unclenched my ass and pushed, the ruckus downstairs ceased. Like the clouds breaking to reveal a perfect full moon in the night sky, I heard for a distinct fraction, absolute silence before my fart tore my glutes asunder. I wasn't the only one that heard it and despite the otherwise length of this release, it could no longer be held back. I had curry with boiled cabbage for lunch from a new place across the street.
Everyone in the office except for a near deaf lady in the corner stared at me. Jealous no doubt.
TLDR- I farted at work
---
Who gave me gold?
natrlselection: Did nobody laugh?!? If no one laughed, you should quit. Sounds like a terrible job.
Pastor_Bill: I know, right? I imagine that if this happened in a work environment where OP had at least a few friends, then someone would laugh, if only to defuse the tension.
lordriffington: Fuck, even if I hated every person in the office, I'd still laugh.
natrlselection: A five second fart is funny, *any way you cut it.*
^^Did ^^you ^^guys ^^see ^^what ^^I ^^did ^^there?
WaffleBrothel: >*any way you rip it*
madmikev2: *if thats the way you need it*
WaffleBrothel: Any way I want it?
madmikev2: *AAAAAAAAAAAAH, OOOH, OOOH, OH, OH*
| 9 | 206.111111 | |
1394741917 | 1394762841 | t3_20cffb | t5_2to41 | 101 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my little brother who JUST turned 13 about Reddit.
My little brother was bored waiting for my Dad to get out of an appt and text me. I was stoned and instinctually responded with what I do when I'm bored: Reddit. Within 24 hours, he had found r/gore and left me a voicemail freaking out telling me he saw someone get decapitated. He's not traumatized, but now I'm wondering how long it is before he discovers r/gonewild.... He's also a total spaz/idiot and has a loud mouth. God knows it's only a matter of time before he gets in trouble looking at reddit at school, home, or yaps his mouth too loudly about something he saw.... Oops.
[deleted]: Does he know your usernames and do you have anything your worried about in your comment histories?
It's not really a bad thing to discover reddit...
semma333: Well our Dad is REALLY strict and I don't want to get him in trouble. Also reddit may not be really appropriate for a 13 year old, IMO...
robobreasts: Reddit is absolutely inappropriate for a 13-year-old. Holy crap I don't understand parents. If your dad was really strict he wouldn't be ABLE to reddit.
Would you invite a naked woman into your house to shake her ass for him? Would you let him watch two guys fighting with broken bottles on the sidewalk outside?
If so, then unrestricted internet access makes sense.
AveragePenguin: Jesus Christ the kids not gonna die if he sees an ass. Sure you shouldn't tell your kids where you could find stuff like that, but it's not going to hurt him and he'd see it anyway. It's on a screen.
mrmcmaine: Then again telling them where they can safely find that can prevent them from trying to in their own and inevitably getting a virus.
AveragePenguin: That would be really awkward however. I think it might be better just telling them some general knowledge on how to avoid viruses and having a good anti-virus on their computer.
mrmcmaine: This is likely a better idea, best advice would be never click an add. ever.
| 8 | 12.625 | |
1394743465 | 1394772840 | t3_20ci41 | t5_2to41 | 45 | Olddudeification: TIFU by cheating on a test in a college class, and getting caught.
So, on Monday I took a test in a class of mine. Well, during the test one of my friends had no idea what a fair majority of the answers were. So like any good friend I helped him out a little bit. I texted him a couple of the answers and we both made it out with a 97.
Well, today I wasn't in class but I get a text saying that my teacher had called my buddy and I up at the end of class. So, I flip balls and check my online grade book and my 97 was changed to a blank space. How could this affect my future? (Eg. Getting into a 4-year university, future career choices.)
ohrubytuesday: Were they all multiple choice questions? You guys probably got the same ones wrong/right. If so, you could always just say you studied together which is why you had the same understanding of the material.
Best case scenario, you get off with a warning. Worst, you get a plagiarism note on your academic record and fail the class. Good luck dude.
Olddudeification: Yeah. All of them were multiple choice. But, towards the end I saw a guy, who has a reputation for being a douche with his phone out and I think he was video taping us. So I don't really know how to go about that. Thanks though man.
TheJackal8: Then wouldn't he also be penalized for cheating?
Olddudeification: I didn't really think of that. I guess! But, though he threw me under the bus, I don't really want to do the same back. Unless I get an F in the course. Then I'll bring him down with me. Hahaha.
TheJackal8: Granted I haven't tried but I don't even know how you managed to cheat. The TAs and professors walk around and watch everyone like hawks, pass out all sorts of test variations and check IDs.
Olddudeification: Yeah. Most teachers do that. But, this was at a community college so he doesn't have anything like that set in place. I just texted him a couple of answers, and stuff from the book to get him rolling. :/
[deleted]: Yeah, you are fucked. You will definitely fail the class and get some sort of academic probation.
If you are willing to cheat like this, you have no business in an academic setting.
| 8 | 5.625 | |
1394745855 | 1394798971 | t3_20cm7h | t5_2to41 | 39 | TheEveningDragon: TiFU by totaling my first car, just a few days after getting it...
Pretty much exactly like the title says. I was on my way home from class, driving on a road surrounded by woods.
I was coming up on a turn just a bit too fast, (not fast enough that I didn't have control of the car, though) and I hit a rather large pot hole, causing me to swerve out of control and end up nose first in a ditch off the side of the road.
I absolutely ruined the front bottom of my car. The whole underside was pushed back all the way to the engine. Something was dragging on the ground and transmission fluid was leaking like crazy.
I got it towed to a friend-of-a-friend's repair shop. He took one look under the car and came up with a "yep, she's totaled." Fuck.
He took my information down and said he'll see what he can do with what he's got. But no promises, he asserted that point very clearly. So I went and got a police report form from the local precinct, and went home.
I did not contact my insurance because I am not covered for collision, just liability, so I didn't think calling them would do any good. And I didn't call the police when it happened, because I was a shocked, albeit still very stupid teenager who just got into an accident.
Idk man...I just really fucked up, today.
[deleted]: Did you get a junker for your first car, or a nice car? This is why everyone's first car should be a junker, or at the very least, something you're ok with totaling.
TheEveningDragon: It was nice. 2005 Toyota corolla. I fucked up.
ConspicuousUsername: Just saying.. that car is 10 years old. It's not a total piece of shit from what you've said, but it's not *that* nice.
TheEveningDragon: Uh..thanks, I guess.
| 5 | 7.8 | |
1394751680 | 1394858387 | t3_20cvpm | t5_2to41 | 161 | jtmiller1995: TIFU by getting caught in the shower with my girl
We had just gotten out of school and headed to her place for our usual after school activities. she wanted to take a shower so we hopped in. things were getting all hot and heavy and i thought i had heard a noise but i ignored it. We kept going and seconds before she climaxed we her a knock on the bathroom door. she immediately hopped out and opened the door slowly. it was her mom home 3 hours early. she had seen my car already and knew what was up. we got dressed and then she "talked" to us about how its a beautiful thing to enjoy each others bodies but its not what she wants to come home after work to. then that night my girlfriend texted me saying her mom didn't want me over for a whole month. Definitely the most awkward situation i ever been in.
JCWalker97: Doesn't matter, had sex.
Jizz_Rag_Shuriken: I dunno, getting interrupted *so* close to being done...
Doesn't matter, had sex
chrometoxins: She put a bag on my head?
Still counts.
TheAltama: A shame people dont wear turtlenecks and chains in the shower though..
chrometoxins: I wouldnt judge.
| 6 | 26.833333 | |
1394761566 | 1394762147 | t3_20dapx | t5_2to41 | 6 | scubagirl95: TIFU by trying to light a candle.
I have one temperamental boxes of matches. They're the Diamond Green Light matches. It normally takes several strikes to get one lit so I figured I wasn't pushing hard enough. I got it lit on the first try by putting more pressure on it! However, as soon as the match caught fire, it snapped in two and sent a miniature flaming arrow across my desk and behind my dresser.
I now have a scorch mark on my carpet, and you can smell the burnt dog hair that the vacuum couldn't reach.
No more candles for me.
downhillcarver: [psssst...](http://www.amazon.com/dp/B007A9YSPW/ref=cm_sw_r_udp_awd_McMitb0T22F8C)
scubagirl95: Maybe I should use my crème brulee torch from now on...
| 3 | 2 |
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