start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1394769082 | 1394841580 | t3_20dlhq | t5_2to41 | 40 | Broncos_Fan: TIFU by shitting in a minivan
So apparently I got a little stomach bug at work today. A few hours after lunch, my stomach rumbled and I went to the bathroom. Just a little diarrhea, nothing to worry too much about. I felt fine. 20 minutes later, my stomach twists and I bolt back for the bathroom. Worst diarrhea I've ever experienced. It was like my son's liquid projectile vomit only coming out of my ass. Needless to say, I felt like throwing up after that experience. So, since I was still feeling fine and didn't want any coworkers to become concerned, I snuck outside and had a pretty violent puke. At this point I decided to inform my wife, since she had dinner plans with her mother tonight and I was supposed to watch our son. I said I thought I could still manage, but she insisted on picking me up, driving me home and letting me rest. And it's a damn good thing she's such a nice young gal. About 5 minutes in to the hour long commute, I was puking and dry heaving into a trash can. Our son found this hilarious by the way and could stop laughing in between recreating my sounds of torment. I soon stopped throwing up and thought I was good again... Until about 20 minutes later. I had nothing left to puke, but my body didn't care. And did I mention that familiar twist in my stomach just before this? Every time I heaved, liquid shot out of my ass, through my jeans onto the leather seat and everywhere in the vehicle. My wife started gagging and immediately pulled off the road to get out. We found a towel in the back, cleaned it up the best we could while I continued puking, then went home so I could change clothes and go to the ER as I was extremely dehydrated by this point. My wife dropped me off, went in with me to get the IV started and then left to finish cleaning up my mess. I'm feeling a little better now (currently still experiencing terrible diarrhea and a little queasiness as I type this). I'm extremely ashamed and feel terrible for what I put my wife through today. I done fucked up.
Tl;Dr: Threw up in mini van causing bowels to release an ungodly amount of diarrhea everywhere.
Silverlight42: Had any raw chicken lately?
Sounds like food poisoning to me.
Think back on what you ate for the past few days...anything out of the ordinary? restaurants? onset is like 12-72hrs I think.
Broncos_Fan: I've had food poisoning before and thought that's what it was. Doctor said a really nasty stomach flu has been going around though and a lot of people have been coming in very dehydrated with my symptoms. I also had just represented my company at a career fair with a bunch of germy kids the day before...
TheCowsRComing: Have you eaten any sugar free haribo gummi bears recently?
Broncos_Fan: I have not :).
TheCowsRComing: That's good
| 6 | 6.666667 | |
1394762094 | 1394809911 | t3_20dbjl | t5_2to41 | 15 | KristyConfused: TIFU and blew up my car's engine.
I don't know why this keeps happening to me.
I used to have a 2000 Ford Taurus. It was a decent car. Got it from Car-Mart in December of 2011. Respectable fuel mileage, mostly dependable. Back in May of last year (2013 for you time travelers out there) the transaxle light came on. I had never seen that thing light up, not even in the startup when you turn on the key and all the idiot lights light up.
I researched online what it means, and it means that the transmission fluid in the transaxle has reached ~300ºF (~150ºC) or higher. Long story short, the transmission needed a rebuild. But the car was long outside the 5-month, 5500 mile limited warranty (Buyer Protection Plan or BPP), so I had to finance the repair through Car-Mart, for which I'm still paying, $60/month.
Along comes October, and the engine starts acting up. Me being less than mechanically savvy, try to drive it home. It makes it, barely. Then I try to drive the 6 miles to the shop to get it diagnosed. LOLNOPE. I suspect the oil pump failed, but the upshot is that the engine seized up. That's blown engine #1.
So instead of making me finance a new engine, Car-Mart took back the Taurus and put me into a 2004 Kia Sedona. It ran great for two weeks. Then it started growling. I drove it 8 miles after it started growling, and then called Car-Mart to have it picked up and looked at. Turns out that it was a lifter or some such engine part, but there was enough damage that the engine had to be replaced. That's engine #2. On the plus side, this one WAS still under warranty, so it cost me a grand total of $50 to replace it.
Today, the engine started growling again. But I had to go to work, and I knew, worse case scenario, I could call GEICO and get a free tow to the shop. I knew I'd miss work if died on me, but such concerns went out the window when, a mile down the road, the growling stopped. I thought I was home free.
Ten miles later, I go to slow down for a speed limit change. I let up off the "coast" control on the cruise, and ... nothing. The damn thing keeps slowing down. So I pop the hazard lights and turn in to a nearby BP station. When I turned the wheel, I could tell that the engine had died. I got it stopped, tried to start it a few times, and to me it sounded like it wasn't getting any fuel.
So I called my Dad, 'cause that's what girls do when we get into trouble, we call Dad. He told me to call Car-Mart instead of GEICO, and Car-Mart sent out a tow truck.
Side note: my phone was being a royal bitch. What should have taken 5 minutes took 20 because my damn phone just plain refused to place calls. Fuckin' thing.
Anyway, I called in to work, told them I'd be in if I could make it but to expect me to not be there at all, then waited for the tow truck. I got a ride with the tow truck to the auto shop, where they told me there was something with the water pump, and that the timing belt had slipped, but the upshot was that the engine was ruined. Also something about a lifter may have been mentioned. I dunno, I'm more of a computer person.
The car was 2 days out of warranty. Though, by all rights, the engine should be under warranty still, with barely 5000 miles on it? Doesn't matter, [because of the accident on February 19th](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1yg0b2/tifu_by_not_locking_my_car_doors/) where my passenger side doors were smashed in by a little sports car (the damage is greater than the value of the vehicle), they're taking the car back under the Payment Protection Plan and putting me into another one on Saturday.
Here's hoping for one with a decent engine.
TL;DR: Here I stand, in the light of day! Let the storm rage on! The cold never bothered me anyway.
vgalosky: Oh god what shitty cars. Early 2000s taurus and early 2000s kia. Both of those have horrible reliability especially if you don't maintain them. Tell them to get you a civic/corolla/altima/camry, you know something thats more reliable.
KristyConfused: I woulda gone with a Camry instead of the Taurus back in '11 but the Camry had a bad clutch. I'da had to pay $50 right off the bat to have it fixed. Now I'm wishing I coulda negotiated to get it fixed for free since it was known before purchase, but that's in the past.
Pele2048: $50 for a clutch is CHEAP.
I do my own labor and it still costs me more just for the parts.
I think Car-Mart isn't giving you the entire story on these cars. Maybe you need an independent mechanic that you can trust.
Also, being that you looked at a car that had a clutch means that you can drive a manual transmission. This opens your market to a LOT of cheaper used cars because very few people drive manual transmissions.
Source: Former Mechanic; Still work on many used cars owned by friends; has seen many cars patched together well enough to sell to unsuspecting buyers.
Wombcorps: English here. I love that people outside of Europe don't often drive manual cars; it keeps then cheap for us manual weirdos. I like expensive autos but cheap ones aren't worth the hassle.
Go manual, shop around as this car Maarten place sounds like they are mugging you off with scrap metal disguised as a car ;)
| 5 | 3 | |
1394772945 | 1394776844 | t3_20dq6g | t5_2to41 | 131 | tottenhamhotsauce: TIFU by holding in a sneeze too long.
I was driving to the grocery store and felt a sneeze coming on. I was in a situation in traffic where I didnt want to take my eyes off the road so I tried to hold it back. I was also in the process of holding back a fart.
The problem was I couldnt do both at the same time. The sneeze won out and it was so forceful it pushed out a fart. In fact it was so forceful I dislocated a rib. The doctor says its more like its dislodged, but its pretty uncomfortable. Normally I would love to laugh at this experience. I do, but it hurts.
tl;dr sneezed so hard i forced out a fart and dislocated a rib.
edit: I didnt know where else to post this... i think this counts as fucking up.
haeglebagel: I bet it literally would hurt to laugh too
tottenhamhotsauce: It does but thankfully its only on one side. The pain sucks but discomfort is worth it is you can laugh, at least in this situation :)
| 3 | 43.666667 | |
1394772556 | 1394887874 | t3_20dpqn | t5_2to41 | 17 | tmama1: TIFU by melting an oil bottle into my engine.
I dressed up to go to a job interview, but had to check my car for oil and fuel.
I went to the local service station and fuelled up my car, then decided to do the oil there and then.
I popped the bonnet and placed the oil bottle onto my still hot engine. It begun to melt. Oil spilt everywhere, I tried to patch the hole only to cover my clothes in oil. For some reason I kept placing the oil bottle onto the engine when wiping up, causing it to melt further.
I didn't have a choice due to time constraints had to go to my interview in oil covered clothes.
Doesnt_Baby_People: How did it go?
tmama1: The interview?
Silverlight42: No... how did it go when you showered this morning?
heh, silly. what do you think?
tmama1: I thought it was asking how'd the car run after having oil all over the engine...
Interview was 'alright'. It required a medical and a physical, the latter I failed and the former somehow show'd pain killers in my system which I haven't had for months. However they refused to do another test to verify my claims
oscarandjo: If they refused to do another test it **probably** means that they don't want to have anything further to do with you... I'd say that wasn't 'alright' and more of a failure.
tmama1: I truly don't know how I failed the test, but fail or not, I still tried. That's all I can do, is just keep trying
oscarandjo: Yeah that is pretty weird.
| 8 | 2.125 | |
1394789844 | 1394831351 | t3_20e3tf | t5_2to41 | 38 | Posigen: TIFU by going up the escalator 2 steps at a time
So today, I decided to go up the escalator by jumped one step every time, this lead to me tripping, and this is no pussy escalator, this escalator has fucking teeth on the stairs, they aren't sharp but it isn't exactly good.
I fell knee first, and I thought I was just bleeding at first, but I very likely fractured or dislocated my knee, since I can barely walk without keeping my leg 100% straight and even then it works.
TL;DR: NEVER RUN UP ESCALATOR STAIRS 2 AT A TIME.
Silverlight42: just be thankful [this](http://i.imgur.com/pkKwKYR.gif) didn't happen to you. It could always be worse. As I understand it this man died from it.
GreenEyedDemon: What am I seeing here? Can't make it out.
Silverlight42: a guy on an escalator holding a board, which hits the ceiling causing pressure on the escalator surface, breaking the links between the plates, and he falls into the machinery.
| 4 | 9.5 | |
1394813522 | 1394849465 | t3_20et05 | t5_2to41 | 1,469 | [deleted]: TIFU by having a formula wrong.
I'm a calibration technician, just found out today that a formula I had on a datasheet was off by one number. Supposed to be a 8, was a 5.
Turns out all the equipment I was working on since August for this particular customer is now incorrect. They are doing a massive recall, and the company will probably use this incident to aggressively pursue a discount at contact time.
I'm probably costing the company about $80k just today, from the recall.
Fuck.
Edit: Boss talked to me, canceling recall. Solution is to go look over the data for about 380 items and switch the datasheet numbers to see if items were truly okay or not. Yay, time to take responsibility.
Without too much detail, this is the difference between 21.256 in-lbs of force when it should be 22.002 in-lbs.
That is how minuscule the mistake was, but very important.
savouryjesus: Who made the data sheet though? If it wasn't you I'd say it's that person who fucked up...
[deleted]: It's me.
Assaultman67: Doesn't your company put "Preliminary" or something of that effect on the datasheet?
I know my company uses that excuse whenever they get caught with the wrong information.
[deleted]: It was a revised datasheet updated to latest edition. I fat fingered the numbers between a 5 and 8 in a complex formula figuring out the nominal reading for the equipment.
depricatedzero: Do you not QA Test your releases?
[deleted]: Everything looked fine until I failed one item, had to investigate the failure. Then it was brought up that on a previous item, the number seemed low on that check. That is when we found that instead of seeing things up to exert 20.002 in-lbf, we were setting up to exert 21.256 in-lbf. Traced back to when I updated the datasheet.
Anticept: What is the tolerance? I don't work in anything precision engineering, but I am an airframe and powerplant mechanic, and I know there are applications that require pretty tight tolerances. Still though, the difference between 20 and 21 inch lbs of torque is 5%, which isn't terrible.
[deleted]: 1%. Lol.
Anticept: Christ, now i am curious as to what you were calibrating... Was it torque wrenches? :P
[deleted]: Digital Torque screwdrivers.
Anticept: Yeah calibrated tools seemed like they were the only things that would require low tolerance.
Assaultman67: That's not true.
I work for a electronics company and we build resistors to 0.1% for many different characteristics
Few people know that we just sort out the ones that are within 1% :P (That's not true, it's just something we joke about because it would save us money and we could actually do it. 5% customers would lose their shit if they see a big hole in their bell curve of resistance values)
Anticept: I meant my statement within context. He established that it was torque before I replied to him; and the only thing I can think of that would have 1% torque tolerance was calibrated tools. I know electronic tolerance is insanely tight. I also deal with electronics as an A&P, which, in certain nav equipment, tolerance is insanely tight.
I'll one up you and say machinery tolerance in aircraft engines is hundredths, even thousandths of a percent (ten thousandths in turbines), but none of this is torque, it's clearance :).
| 14 | 104.928571 | |
1394815998 | 1394851567 | t3_20ewud | t5_2to41 | 96 | taylercatherine: TIFU by flushing the toilet.
Yesterday, actually.
my first class of the day got out a little early so I decided I had time to use the restroom after sprinting across campus to my next class.
-Little side note, the literature building at my school is one of the worst designed buildings I've ever seen. It looks like a big standing H, There's no elevators to the upper floors, and each floor has a men's room, and a unisex disabled bathroom. Weirdest building I've ever been in.
I set my stuff down at my seat and run to the bathroom, only to find the disabled bathroom toilet has been absolutely destroyed with shit.... I'm talking, this thing was **filled** to the brim with the worst smelling largest and most oddly colored dump imaginable. Satan had left his mark on that toilet.
But I decided I was going to be polite and try to flush it so the next person didn't have to experience the horror I just witnessed. I kick the handle on the toilet and walk over to the mirror to fix my face before going back to class, deciding to hold it in until I had access to a building with a normal bathroom. That's when it happened.
*splash*
blended shit, water and toilet paper went *everywhere* soaking the bathroom floor and cornering me in the opposite side of the room from the door. A never ending flood of blackened mass covered the floor, and I had no choice but to attempt to tip toe through it to get through the door. I didn't think this would happen.... The toilets at my school *never* clog - I've certainly tested this- but have been severely proven wrong.
I try to tip toe my way to the other side, and lean over to grab the door handle in an attempt to part the brown sea and leap over the remaining few feet to freedom. I missed.
I was wearing flats, so I had absolutely zero traction to save myself from falling into the ocean of hell. I slipped and fell flat on my back pitch perfect style, feeling little bits of turd splash onto my legs.
Giving up on pride, I got up, collected myself, and walked slowly back to class to grab my stuff. By now it was about ten minutes into class - on test day, mind you - so everyone was there, and the room was so quiet you could hear the squish of my shoes. I kept my head down as I walked to the back of the room to grab my things and leave. The smell forced my professor to open the windows as I left. I skipped that class today.
**TL;DR** Tried flushing someone else's nasty toilet mess, ended up wearing it.
Readmymind: That's pretty fucked up. You have my sympathies and my condolences, plus my thanks for sharing the laughs.
taylercatherine: Haha. Thanks/You're welcome. I'm not the type to be embarrassed easily so really the worst part was I Just didn't want to put the entire class through the torture of smelling my marinated body. plus the whole wanting to puke thing.
| 3 | 32 | |
1394820439 | 1394845285 | t3_20f3z1 | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting caught spying on my female roommate.
.
kineo: Yeah, you fucked up for sure. That's really creepy and invasive. Maybe even illegal? I don't know. I assume it is, but I'm no lawyer. She had a reasonable expectation of privacy and you decided to ignore it.
I think you ought to tell her the truth, let her decide if she wants to forgive you or not. But it's your fuck up, and you ought to take whatever comes of it. Maybe she'll let it go, maybe she won't. But she deserves to make that decision, not you.
Jessie_James: It is illegal ... he's screwed if he admits it.
| 3 | 7 | |
1394822187 | 1395502551 | t3_20f6vy | t5_2to41 | 57 | ottawapainters: TIFU by accidentally honking at a lady helping disabled people. Twice.
I should get an Awkward Penguin Prize for this fuckup: I was just in a Staples parking lot, about to get out of my car and as I pulled my computer bag out of the back seat, I accidentally laid it on my horn. I look up and to my horror, a lady is helping two people slowly across the lot in front of my car.
She turns and looks at me with fire in her eyes and says "They're intellectually disabled, I hope you're -happy-", thinking of course that I had honked my horn at them on purpose.
Extremely embarrassed, I fumble to open my window to explain but the keys were already out of the ignition so it won't budge. I try to open the door, but it's locked and as I reach over to unlock it in frustration and jump out, I manage to hit the horn again with my bag in the process.
As I'm about to call out and explain myself, the care worker puts her hands on the ears of her youngest charge and says "Fuck you, asshole", turns and continues on, ignoring my pitiful attempt to explain how dumb and clumsy I am.
So, how's your day going guys?
Orin965: Nope... you didnt F-up. I am a support worker. And I NEVER swear at the public while im working, even if they are being a total asshat and questioning my job and won't listen when I explain why I support the participants the way I do.
She is representing her agency and the participants. What you did was an accident. Dont worry about it.
UC18: It's reddit, you can swear.
| 3 | 19 | |
1394821235 | 1394827366 | t3_20f5bd | t5_2to41 | 27 | MicroCosmicMorganism: TIFU. By Taking A Huge Poop
Was helping out my SIL cleaning and felt a call of nature, (well, more a movement, but anyway). So, things were quite bulky and when I flushed the toilet, it immediately started to fill up. I stood there going,
"No, no, no!"
And watched the fucker overflow! I grabbed some towels and thinking I'd averted disaster, continued what I was doing. All was fine, until hubby turned up and informed me water was pouring through the basement ceiling!
Jizz_Rag_Shuriken: That is a shitty day.
MicroCosmicMorganism: Indeed! Especially, as I had to get my arm down the toilet to free the blockage!
| 3 | 9 | |
1394824502 | 1394945996 | t3_20famn | t5_2to41 | 1,736 | tifuthrowaway17: TIL / TIFU: Turns out I have a kid...
So, 12 years ago, when I was 17, I was in good shape, was able to get in the pubs as I was looking older that I actually was. Drinking age is 18, so it wasn't a huge deal. But here's the story.
17 year old me went to a club on NYE, had some drinks, had a good time. When I see this really hot older lady (she was 32) looking my way.. So, being the horny 17 year old I was, I just followed my head right over to the milf. Boys was she hot, tall, blonde, sweet body.
We get talking, she buys me a drink, I buy her a drink, we go dancing, and it goes well from there.
A few hours later, we're both hammered and decide it would be a good idea to go grab a cup of coffee to sober up some.
Of course, we went to her place (cause who would bring a 32 year old to mom's flat..), actually have coffee, then proceed to go at it like rabbits a few times before both passing out.
The next morning, still in a daze, wake up next to this gorgeous woman, and leave her room in my boxers to go for a leak. As I'm heading back from the bathroom I hear: Mom, what the fuck did you do last.... And he just stopped, I looked at him, he looked at me and said, TIFUTHROWAWAY17?!?! What... I... I.... Then he stormed off, slammed the door.
She comes out, asked what that was all about, and asked if I knew her son. Well, turns out I did, because he was 2 years younger than me, and in the same football team (we were in a small school, so one team with JR and SR).
Now, to set things straight, I had no idea who she was, as I never met Kris's mom before. And, this guy is a total lying POS who steals from anybody who he can con. He also owed me 200$.
After awkward talk with Mom, we decide this will be the last time we speak, as I knew her son, and went to the same school and all..
Coming back from the holiday break, I was in school, still feeling like a champ, as I was able to "tame a milf", and would brag to it to a few friends of mine. When, all of a sudden, Kris shows up, and just flips shit at me, tries to fight me. Understandable, cause of the situation is totally deserving of a beating.
But I was having none of that, he was going on and on, but I just had to say these 5 sweet words to diffuse the situation: But I fucked your mom.
Never in my life have I ever seen so many shades of red before he left. That was the last time I seen him. He left football, and would avoid me 100% in school. To me, it was worth the 200$ he owed me as, like mentioned, was a total cunt.
So here comes last week. I bump into, still totally hot milf walking down the road with a young boy on her side. We exchange a few pleasantries, and ask the little guy what his name is, tells me, and ask how old he is, 11. I speak with her a few more minutes, exchange numbers, and go on our way.
An hour later, I get a call, she wants to have coffee. Sounds good. We go down the road, grab a coffee. Then she tells me: So, I don't know how to tell you, but the boy you met there, he's your son.
My heart sunk. I didn't know what to say, I was half stunned, and half upset I didn't know I had a fucking kid!! FOR 10 YEARS!!
We speak some more, she said she was sorry for not telling me, but didn't remember who I was, and her son pretty much moved out overnight, never to speak to her again. She went through a rough few years.
So here I am, a father to a child I never knew I had all this time. Trying to figure out how to do this, tell my parents, and also actually be a father to this kid.
So my life has been turned up side down overnight, and I don't know what to do.
Reddit, today I fucked up..
[deleted]: You didn't fuck up at all, **she** fucked up!
HaveASeatChrisHansen: Well, they probably didn't use protection, which would be a fuck up but otherwise I agree with you.
CapgrasX13: She's a grown ass woman. She should've been taking preventative measures.
[deleted]: Preventative measures should never simply be one partner's worry. They both fucked up.
CapgrasX13: True but one person was an adult and the other was a minor. The only mistake OP really made was illegally entering a club.
HaveASeatChrisHansen: So you don't think teenagers should be competent enough to use a condom?
CapgrasX13: No. They should be.
Edit: That being said, they frequently aren't, and a full grown adult ought to be smart enough to realize that.
GhostsofDogma: A 17 year old that isn't capable of using a condom is *stupid* as all *fuck* and deserves what they get. The repercussions are FAR too high to excuse not wrapping up.
CapgrasX13: I agree, but teenagers are stupid. I was a stupid teenager, you probably were too. That's not even mentioning the possibility of his school teaching abstinence only sex ed and not having free condoms accessible to students, or the possible shame (real or perceived) in a teenager buying condoms. I'm not saying it's right, I'm saying it happens. And it's irresponsible to ignore that reality as an adult with the power to correct it.
| 10 | 173.6 | |
1394825906 | 1394938420 | t3_20fcxi | t5_2to41 | 211 | [deleted]: TIFU by flashing tits in class
I just got back to my dorm from class. So today happens to be Pi Day, and at my college they sell Pi Day shirts to raise money for a wildlife organization or whatever. So anyway, I wanted to celebrate, so I bought a shirt for 10 bucks and I go to my dorm and put it on.
I forgot my bra.
To make matters worse, in the middle of the lecture the teacher notices my shirt and says "Hey, let me see your shirt". Being the dumbass I am, I, without thinking, pulled it up to my neck. All the students and the professor averted their eyes, and everything was very silent. I immediately dropped it, but it was too late. I felt like crying from embarrassment. The professor tried to continue on with the lecture as usual, but people started whispering. I was so fucking glad when class ended. Never coming back ever again.
pistashley_O: I have no idea why you would randomly lift up your shirt at all, lbra or no - like were you going to take it off and hand it to him? Because that's still weird as hell.
13segruts: She probably did something like [this](http://imgur.com/cGhDbCws), but with more enthusiasm.
samrudloff: yeah ok
| 4 | 52.75 | |
1394850460 | 1394887499 | t3_20gcaq | t5_2to41 | 46 | Ollegjertssen: TIFU by giving my friend a good ol' pat on the back.
So today when I got to school I walked to my locker like I'd normally do before class, I then see my friend just standing there with his back turned to me.
I decide to give him a pat on the back, this resulted in him dropping his phone, it was like everything suddenly went in slow motion. You know, like in Matrix when Neo dodges the bullets, that kind of slow motion. Then came the smack of the phone hitting the floor. And of course it had to turn out in the worst way possible. Like seriously it was completely devastating. THE WHOLE SCREEN got filled with cracks and it even decided to not work anymore. This of course made me feel terrible, absolutely terrible. I couldn't say a single thing for at least an hour. I still have a huge lump of guilt in the back of my throat.
To top it all off he didn't even have insurance on the damn thing and to make things EVEN WORSE it had to be a goddamned Galaxy S4.
His parents are now furious and I'm going to have to save up more cash than I can manage so I can repay him for what I've done.
Some times I wish I'd just stayed home.
boystyx: It was an accident! Don't beat yourself up about it. Say you are sorry. Offer to reimburse him as best you can and hopefully you still remain friends! A phone can be replaced easily. Friendships can't.
Ollegjertssen: Yeah of course we are still friends, it'd take more than a broken phone to ruin our friendship.
| 3 | 15.333333 | |
1394855491 | 1394858019 | t3_20giba | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by sending a picture to the wrong person
I was snapchatting a girl who was planning on sending me nudes. While we were talking, a friend sent me a snap of him making a gross face, and I decided to send him a picture of me doing the same thing. I took an exceptionally disgusting picture of my face, only to accidentally select her as the recipient. I was screaming at the top of my lungs and slapping my phone once I realized my mistake and saw the word "sending", but to no avail. She hasn't responded, and the damn app says she's seen the picture of me making the face and the one of me apologizing. So yeah, I can forget about any pictures of her naked breasts.
apab: 1 word Dick Pic
INSANE416: That would be 2 words...
| 3 | 1 | |
1394850158 | 1395046076 | t3_20gbwt | t5_2to41 | 239 | throwawayshamedgirl: TIFU by listening to erotic audio... [NSFW]
It's currently 2am here, and I couldn't sleep. I thought maybe I could tire myself out by having a little night time fun and so went to /r/audiogonewild
I have earphones in, and start listening to an audio clip containing very heavy oral sex sounds. I thought it was weird the volume seemed really quiet in my headphones, but I was kind of too busy to really care.
Long story short, after I'd done my thing, I found my headphones had come out of the laptop. The sound had been playing, and I could still just hear it enough to mistake it for my earphones, so it was a fair volume. and I know for a fact that my step dad went to the bathroom across from my room at one point during my little session.
I have no idea if it was loud enough for him to hear, I guess I'll have to see if things are awkward tomorrow morning. Either way, any chance I had of getting to sleep, is gone now. Fuuuuuck.
Baydude98: This is why you always double check your headphones are plugged in. Rookie mistake.
Liquidska: You find your porn or whatever, set your machine to mute, slowly creep the volume up until it's a whisper but barely audible, then you plug your headphones in without them in your ears. If you can't hear it, then you are golden!
There is a procedure for these things! **Safety first!**
Cougs67: Or, you live on your own so you blast that shit full volume on your tv and go to town
Stiffed_: 60 inch tv full of tits... I like this idea
| 5 | 47.8 | |
1394848260 | 1394921433 | t3_20g9gd | t5_2to41 | 66 | Trysdyn: TIFU by plunging my hand into a box marked "Push Pins"
I'm in the office, having a normal day, and determine I need several push pins to hang a schematic on my wall. I skip out to the copy room, look in the supply cupboard, and find a little open-topped plastic box on the very top shelf labelled "Push Pins".
Now, in my mind, this box contained individually packaged cases of pins. So I blindly reached up, slipped my hand in, and was greeted with several stabbing sensations at once. Cursing out loud (something my CEO heard-- that'll be fun later), I withdrew my hand to find several pins sticking in my fingers. Bleeding ensued soon after.
Sure enough, the entire bottom of the opaque container, resting on the top shelf out of line of sight, was lined with loose, randomly oriented tacks.
I'm not sure why I didn't expect a box marked "Push pins" to contain anything but push pins, but that's my small TIFU for the day.
At least I didn't shit myself.
LuxNocte: You know you read /r/tifu when any day your underwear stay clean is a good day.
Jizz_Rag_Shuriken: Indeed! I usually feel better about my day after reading on this sub. It's a gentle reminder to myself to greatly limit my complaining about anything at all.
| 3 | 22 | |
1394859212 | 1394863741 | t3_20gmom | t5_2to41 | 1 | Makeartandlove: TIFU by taking a walk
AUTISTIC_PENIS: Today you posted a complete bullshit story
Makeartandlove: No man, this is completely legit and 1000% happened!
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1394874748 | 1394877861 | t3_20gz63 | t5_2to41 | 189 | nobraincellsleft: TIFU by trying to reverse catheter synthetic urine into my bladder to pass a drug test. And then subsequently farting out of my dick (audibly).
AmyLeigh80: OMG! Holy shit! I'm laughing so fucking hard right now. Literally fucking tears dude. You write very well by the way. That was fucking hilarious. I felt like I was there with you through the whole thing.
nobraincellsleft: haha thank you! I've been compiling stories from my life latelty
AmyLeigh80: How is it that you have been to prison? Your sense of humor must have helped you cope no?
nobraincellsleft: Yea that's all you really have in there. I read and wrote a lot.
AmyLeigh80: No lie dude, you should write. You're a writer and that's a fact. I would buy a book you wrote with no hesitation.
nobraincellsleft: wow thank you. If you have the time you should read stuff from my new sub. And Post if you want! [No Fuckin Way](http://www.reddit.com/r/nofuckinway/)
AmyLeigh80: How old are you?
nobraincellsleft: 27
EDIT old enough to party
AmyLeigh80: You are one crazy kid man. I applaud you, but be safe ok? You're smart, I can tell. Don't get locked up doing stupid shit, or risk your life.
| 10 | 18.9 | |
1394905079 | 1395105760 | t3_20hqh5 | t5_2to41 | 720 | Bonz1: TIFU by vacuuming up my weed.
I was cleaning my house today and I left the Hoover on with the hose by my feet whilst I moved some bits around on a shelf. I knocked my tin of pre-ground weed off and it split on the floor right in front of the hose.
Gone before I could react, mixed in with all the dust and crap from my floors! Gutted.
CivilCarnival: How much did you lose?
Bonz1: Probably about a quarter ounce.
[deleted]: why in the dick did you grind up a quarter all at once. you were just asking for it
sirecoke: I do an oz at a time, I have a nice secure stash jar that I keep it in. I can also control the humidity better. Plus it's ready when I want it to be..:)
Kaboose666: but it dries it out way fucking faster, even if you have it in a jar, it's much better to keep it in nugs in a sealed jar until you need some.
Especially if it's medical quality.
sirecoke: I have a humidor that I use in my jar to keep the freshness all along. I've been doing this for years, never fails.
Kaboose666: a humidor is a box for keeping cigars, not something one could throw into a jar and set a correct humidity. Now if you had a hygrometer and were monitoring humidity (weed is best kept at 55-60% humidity) manually then that might work. Not really sure what you are talking about when you say you are using a humidor INSIDE of a jar of weed....
redjimdit: Likely he has one of those Humidrol discs inside it. I used to have one epoxied to the inside of a mason jar for controlling the humidity of the herb, but then sometime a few years ago I realized who gives a fuck how moist it is, it's just getting you baked the same.
sirecoke: http://imageshack.us/a/img844/2414/t7wx.jpg
That is a link to my humidor nut that I use. I go through about a oz a month, and I grind it all up and keep it in a glass jar with an airtight seal. With the humidor nut in it. It stays fresh and tasty all month long.
redjimdit: It just rolls around in there? That's pretty cool. Mine was this little round humidor disc I glued to the lid of the mason jar.
sirecoke: Yes, it does, every so often, I just roll the whole jar around to make sure it's all mixed completely.
redjimdit: Reminds me of my scumbag days when I'd wet my weed up to increase weight, and sell shorted ounces. My friend would buy an ounce, pre-bagged from me in eighths. I'd bag up 3.3 gram sacks and pocket the rest for myself. I paid him back with a QP not that long ago out of guilt.
sirecoke: Yeah, I'm just doing it to myself, when the weed has a good humidity, it smokes better. It doesn't just go poof.
| 14 | 51.428571 | |
1394907398 | 1395368808 | t3_20htrv | t5_2to41 | 839 | endogenix: TIFU by getting liquid nicotine in my eye.
Last night when I filled my e-cig up I did not screw in the mouth piece all the way and as a result some liquid leaked passed the seal and into the mouth piece. When I woke up this morning I grabbed it to take a couple puffs. Well I was laying down and somehow while bringing it to my lips i moved it in a way that flicked the liquid from the mouth piece right into my left eye.
For a second my eye got really watery and blurry and then BAM! I was blasted with a pain like nothing I had ever felt before. My eye involuntarily shut and the pain kept getting worse, it hurt so bad I wasn't thinking straight, I was convinced I was going to lose the eye. I felt like yelling but could barely make any noise because I was pulling in breath in really short bursts very rapidly. Then after about five minutes it just stopped hurting. I know that is a pretty anti climactic ending but those few minutes are among the most painful of my life.
oskarw85: You bring painful memories. As a kid I watched anti-smoking campaign where they put droplet of pure nicotine into pigeon's eye. Poor thing died in spasms after couple of seconds. I still remember it after almost twenty years.
likferd: What kind of sick people does a thing like that for an advertisement?.. Not to mention it has no relevance. Nicotine does not kill smokers. It's not even particularly harmful in low doses..
TortureSteak: Not particularly harmful? I would say that a lethal dose 0.5-1mg/kg seems pretty damn toxic... it is actually more toxic than cocaine...
http://www.inchem.org/documents/pims/chemical/nicotine.htm#PartTitle:7.%20TOXICOLOGY
likferd: It's toxic, but not harmful in low doses like you find in cigarettes. You don't find smokers overdosing on cigarettes. At most, an inexperienced smoker would feel nauseated. Alcohol is much more harmful in that regard, as people all often die from alcohol poisoning. (Don't put alcohol in your eye either, it's very bad for you)
kufan64: When you're talking about smoking cigarettes, yes it's impossible to OD from the nicotine (you'd pass out from lack of oxygen first, I believe). When you're talking about absorbing nicotine via other methods (e-liquid, nicotine patches, etc.) then it most certainly can be fatal. It's actually one of the most effective poisons by volume in it's pure form.
theshane0314: Actually with ecigs it varies. I smoked cigs. One pack in a day would make me throwup. But with my vape I can be hitting it all day. Refill the tank several times and never get a headach. But I also have the lowest levels of nicotine in my juice.
My moms juice would make me throw up by the end of a tank if I hit in nonstop. She is at one of the highest levels.
But nicotine is metabolized very quickly. And ecig users usually take a few hits here and there. Where as smokers suck a cig down very quickly usually under 6 or 7 minutes. And thats pushing it. So theoretically a smoker would have higher levels of nicotine and an ecig user. Even tho the ecig user migh consume more throughout a day.
There have also not been any studies to prove it one way or another. Just theories I nave read about. 10 years we will know better.
broslikethis: The studies I've seen make it hard to figure who has higher nicotine intake. I just haven't found anything conclusive about the exact intake of conventional cigarettes. I can chain-vape 18mg liquid, taking 8-10 drags and I get a big buzz, much more-so than cigarettes. But it hits me differently. It takes a little longer to set in, and dissipates more quickly.
An interesting little fact though, the average standard length cigarette (not a 100) takes 8 drags to consume. I always thought it would be higher...seemed higher, but I've counted many times and it seems right. Next time you smoke one or watch someone smoke one, count!
theshane0314: That seems about right. Vaporizing and smoking do effect nicotine differently. Just no studies have been done yet to figure out how. 10 years. Hopefully less. We should know.
broslikethis: Any idea or speculation as to why none of those studies have been done? It doesn't seem like a particularly difficult study, but then again I don't really know much about those kinds of things.
It is frustrating that when you google something like "health effects of e-cigs", half the "studies" show they're worse than analogs, half show they're better.
theshane0314: ecigs are new. its hard to study long term effects of something thats only been out for a few years.
and im not sure about the nicotine levels. i think its just because there is so much contradicting information and because of its nature i think its hard to calculate.
| 11 | 76.272727 | |
1394905153 | 1395089867 | t3_20hqkf | t5_2to41 | 25 | [deleted]: TIFU by running with my shoes
So i was online buying shoes for myself and I only wanted Osiris shoes. I ended up finding four shoes that i really liked, so i bought ALL FOUR! The price was 476 dollars. Did i mention there is a ice all around my house? A few days later all my shoes come at once. I gladly thank the UPS man and run into my backyard where my idiot brother is burning stuff because he is bored. As i am running a patch of fucking ice decided that i needed to slip. Running at FULL fucking speed i trip and my shoes along with various bills go flying in the AIR and land where? YOU FUCKING GUESSED IT, IN THE FUCKING FIRE!!! I smack my head and it took me awhile to stand up, but it was to late. My brother is trying to take the shoes and bills out but they we in the pit. the shoes were ruined and the bills are gone. I don't even fucking know who the bills where from.
Reddit i am sooooo fucking stupid FUCK YOU WINTER!!!!!!
flarpington: On one hand losing $476 sucks major ass, but on the other hand if you could afford to spend that much on shoes all at once you're probably not hurting for money.
BestRedditorEVA: yea thats is true i'm not hurting for cash but they had 2 to 3 left and when i went to buy them agine they were all gone.
zachochee: Did you really try to buy more shoes??
BestRedditorEVA: NO i DID buy them again but this time poured salt all over it, then tipped toed inside.
| 5 | 5 | |
1394912781 | 1395151420 | t3_20i1e8 | t5_2to41 | 27 | internet_friends: TIFU by not listening to my friend's Facebook conversation
So there's a TV show that's being filmed on my college's campus. It's from a major network. We could apply to be paid extras, so my best friend and I did. We're on spring break and we didn't hear back from the TV show, but we decided to go back to campus anyways to check things out. I live three and a half hours away and she lives 45 minutes away, so I picked her up on my way down to campus last night.
Before I left my house, I was on Facebook passing the time. Since it's a pretty big deal for my school, a lot of my Facebook friends are talking about the TV show. Two of them were having a conversation about being an extra, and one of them said that he "would totally do it, but doesn't have a passport." I remember reading it and thinking to myself, "why the fuck would you need a passport?" and thought nothing more of it.
Today, my best friend and I are hanging out in her room when my phone starts ringing. I picked it up and sure enough, it's the casting office. They asked if I wanted to be a paid extra on the TV show and of course I said yes. They asked if I had my student ID on me, and I said yes. They asked if I had my driver's license, and I said yes. Then they asked if I had my social security card and I said that I didn't, but I had the number memorized. That wouldn't work though, because it needs to be the physical, original copy of the card. Then she asked me if I had my passport. I didn't, because I didn't listen to the conversation my Facebook friends are having. She asked if I had my birth certificate and I said no. Apparently, I needed one of those three things, and since I didn't have any of them, I can't be a paid extra.
Three minutes later, they called my best friend and asked her the same questions. She always carries her social security card with her, so she got the opportunity to be on the show. The casting call is at 7am tomorrow and will continue throughout the time where I have to leave to go back home (I have surgery on Monday and the reason I drove all the way back to college for the weekend was to be on the show), so I won't get to see her.
I would drive back to my house to get it, but I did about four and a half hours of driving total yesterday and have three and a half tomorrow, and for me to drive up and get my social security card/passport/birth certificate and come back, it would be a 7 hour drive. Not only am I not ready to do that much driving in a weekend, but I can't really afford the gas for that trip right now.
TL;DR - I could have been a paid extra on a TV show from a major network, but missed the opportunity because I didn't bring my social security card/passport/birth certificate, even though one of my Facebook friends said that they couldn't do the show because they didn't have their passport. Since I didn't realize that meant I should bring my passport with me, I drove all the way to my campus to get told that I fucked up.
suffer-cait: Generally, you need your driver's license and social security (or one of those others) to get any job. It's for tax things, and making sure the workers are legal to work.
So for future reference, you'll need to have those things if you're trying to get paid for something.
Silverlight42: Generally they don't need to see the SS card, the number'll match up to your name and other forms of ID if you have those on hand. I don't see the big deal here.
suffer-cait: The w-2, a govt required document, explicitly says it needs your social security card or birth certificate.
grown: Hiring manager here. Most places will require a combination of these things. Every place I have been an interviewing/hiring manager for (only in DE and NJ) has allowed a driver's license and passport OR SS card. The numbers of those documents alone will not suffice. I'm not currently doing it so I forget the exact details, but a birth certificate could substitute as well for the passport or ss card I believe.
| 5 | 5.4 | |
1394907367 | 1395671411 | t3_20htq4 | t5_2to41 | 52 | AdultSupervision: TIFU By accidentally getting my dog maced.
I Had some visitors over a few minutes ago. My door has the bottom all fucked up, so when you close it, you have to really slam it, or it won't close all the way. When they left, I didn't close the door properly, and as I went back to my room, it fully opened and my dog rushed outside. Unfortunately, the mail-lady was out their, and naturally, he went straight for her. She maced him. In his face.
He just stood back blinking in shock for a few seconds while I grabbed him and dragged him back to the house. It was perfectly justifiable of course, but it still sucked for everyone involved.
I Am a bad pet owner.
dralcax: Wouldn't a mace have smashed the dog's skull in?
AndroidImpact: Could you tell me what a mace is pls?
UnrealSuperhero: A spiked metal ball on a stick
AndroidImpact: ouch
Ruddahbagga: Just a quick point, maces are actually dull metal balls on sticks used as clubs. If it has spikes it's typically reffered to as a morningstar, though maces can still have flanges and be called maces.
AndroidImpact: why does a mail lady carry that kind of thing around? is it even legal to carry it around in public?
Ruddahbagga: OP is refering referring to [chemical mace](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mace_%28spray%29), which is an aerosol brand of tear gas, and /u/dralcax was making a pun off that.
Tear gas is still [reasonably dangerous](http://i.imgur.com/V4wvk.gif) though, you wouldn't want to use it on a dog without a damn good reason.
autowikibot: #####	
######	
####	
[**Mace (spray)**](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mace%20%28spray%29): [](#sfw)
---
>__Mace__ is the [genericized trademark](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genericized_trademark) of __Chemical Mace__, the [brand name](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brand_name) of an early type of aerosol [self defense](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self_defense) spray invented by Allan Lee Litman in 1965. The first commercial product of its type, Litman's design packaged [CN](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/CN_gas) [tear gas](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tear_gas) dissolved in [hydrocarbon](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hydrocarbon) solvents into a small [aerosol spray](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aerosol_spray) can, usable in almost any environment and strong enough (when sprayed in the face) to act as a credible deterrent and incapacitant. Its popularity led to the brand name being shortened to simply "Mace" for all defense sprays (regardless of the composition).
>
---
^Interesting: [^Pepper ^spray](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pepper_spray) ^| [^Tear ^gas](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tear_gas) ^| [^Mace ^Security ^International](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mace_Security_International)
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Ruddahbagga: This bot makes me rigid in the loins
| 10 | 5.2 | |
1394915189 | 1395451293 | t3_20i4qe | t5_2to41 | 56 | cum_smearer: TIFU by smearing cum all over my face
I live in an apartment with my SO and she had to skip town for a couple of days and it left me with double the chores to look after. Today, in particular was one of those days when you just wanna say "Fuck this shit" and go lie on your bed. It was a hard day but it was finally over. I came home, got bare ass naked and lay on the couch with my laptop and decided to watch some porn to relax.
Blew load on a tissue.
Reddit,Reddit,Reddit.
*too tired;will get up and throw this tissue afterwards*
*arghh thirsty*
Spill water drinking it.
*hey look I already have a tissue. Smart.*
**FUCK.**
I just silently sat there for about ten or so minutes,the semen seemingly crusting on my face,thinking things over.
dralcax: This is how your SO feels when you do it to her.
Cougs67: I don't know about you, but no lady I've ever been with wanted me to cum on her face.
jiggy_fish: You need to reevaluate life bro.
Cougs67: Because I haven't been with a woman that wanted me to jizz all over her? I think I'm doing fine as is, thank you very much
jiggy_fish: I'm like Krispy Kreme baby. Glazin' these ho's 24/7.
| 6 | 9.333333 | |
1394920376 | 1394929917 | t3_20ibto | t5_2to41 | 16 | Tote_Sport: TIFU by not washing my hands
Technically it was yesterday, but whatever.
I was getting ready to go to football (Gaelic) training and was still carrying a slight knock/niggle to my hamstring that was bothering me. No problem, I thought. A combination of Deep heat and Tiger Balm rub would sort out that pesky hamstring.
I applied a decent coating onto my thigh and threw the rest of my gear into a bag and got ready to go. But first I decided to go for a bathroom break. After I drew my meat sword and did the deed, I tucked everything back into my thermal shorts and headed for the door.
Little did I know, my torment was just about to begin.
In the car journey to training, I began to experience a tingling sensation on my thigh. No problem, I thought, that's just the Deepheat and Tiger Balm kicking in. Soon it spread up to my nether regions and the tingling became stronger.
By the time I was out on the pitch, my balls felt like they were slowly burning, but with a strange tingling accompanying said burning sensation.
Without a doubt, the most pain/damage I've ever inflicted upon my boys, and that's saying a lot for someone who spent a lot of nights alone browsing the darker areas of the internet.
**TL;DR:** Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire!
Straightrider: I did something just as stupid once except it involved masturbating and a little bit of ghost pepper sauce. It was by far the most hilarious things I've done in hindsight. At that moment though, it sucked dick.
Tote_Sport: Jesus Tittyfucking Christ, that sounds horrible
Straightrider: It was pretty bad, but it wasn't too much and it was a while after I had the sauce in the first place.
| 4 | 4 | |
1394937316 | 1395181785 | t3_20ixhk | t5_2to41 | 52 | Spliteer: TIFU by Texting my Boss from the ER
I suffer from frequent kidney stones, some specialists want to call it "Kidney Stone Disease" because diet, weight loss, exercise, medication, or anything really hasn't decreased the frequency. I get lucky sometimes and an 800 MG Ibuprofen and those pills that make your piss orange will handle it and I can go about my day.
Sometimes my stones are too big to pass or I have a LOT of blood, we're talking about the consistency and color of ketchup. Those usually are ER visits because I'm in horrid pain. Some have been surgically removed because of size.
So usually my trip to the ER with a stone goes like this (I'm going to paraphrase out all the garbled language and the multiple times I say "FUCK") Hello, I suspect I have a kidney stone and need to be seen. They triage you get your pretty red urine and give you morphine. You wait a bit and the doctor comes in and gives you dialaudid which fucks your world up, but you're out of pain.
Now I'm the type that when the pain is gone, I want to get back to whatever it is that I need to be doing. Today it's work. I send my boss, who is out of town, a text explaining where I am and that I am unable to drive but I'll be working from home. I also include that I have no intention of taking advantage of the situation and then some garbled shit about that I respect and admire her...ok creeper (I'm a strait woman)
Guess what? That following Sunday, before my Urologist Appt on Tuesday, shit gets worse. I'm talking projectile vomiting and pain that is 10/10. The worst part is that I can't pass the urine and I have a fever. That means that I probably have a blockage and it's pretty serious.
I immediately, before the drugs, text my boss to keep her up to date. She responds in a very generic way that basically states that I've missed too much time and she can't allow this. I pulled out my IV pre meds and the nurse was doing all her kind soul could to keep my ass in the er. I"m in tears, showing her the text saying I have to go I can't lose my job. I make it to the car and I'm waiting on my husband. They still have my insurance and ID and are holding it hoping I"ll come back in. I text, what I thought was him, "Fuck Her" but it went to my boss.... she now is still very pissed because she thought I was talking to her. I tried to explain the situation, that didn't do anything but make her believe that I can't be trusted to even send out e-mails and not sound like a fucking idiot.
Now I have to meet with HR. Despite being salaried, working at odd times I've missed too much time (understandable) I have to basically sign an agreement that I won't miss a minute of scheduled work time until my vacation starts in November :( . I can't guarantee this won't happen again. If it comes to my life vs my job, I have to choose my life.
Worst of all, my boss, who I admire is deeply upset with me and thinks I'm a total screw-up :(
We have a rule, if it connects to the internet= I don't get to touch it on pain meds. Good plan.
TLDR: Sent text to boss from ER, boss didn't like spelling mistakes- forced to resign.
Edit: Was forced to resign.
Another Edit: Boss claimed I didn't know how to do my job, several employees called BS and she had to make up a lie stating that I contested a review then quit when nobody would back me up.
[deleted]: Does your boss really deserve all that admiration? You seem very submissive towards this person, even though she could've been a bit more understanding about your situation. She's lacking empathy there. When in your eyes being very ill constitutes to 'fucking up', something weird is going on.
Spliteer: You know, that is something I probably needed to hear. In perspective of it all and the shit others have done at my company, this is probably like spilling a bit of coffee on the floor compared to it all. Thanks
ProblemPie: Frankly, she deserves an earful. Assuming your story is 100% honest, you are in the right for needing to miss work - hell, you couldn't even have done your damn job if you were there, right? If you're in enough pain to *not be able to function properly*, you should not be at work, and your employer should respect that.
I won't tell you that you *should* have done anything, since it's irrelevant and I can't really give good advice over the internet to a stranger, but I can tell you that you need to respect yourself. It sounds like you're a hard worker if you're willing to pull through shit like this and attempt to go to work, and you must be a strong person to deal with that kind of medical bullshit (sounds like a nightmare, seriously), and you deserve more respect from the people that you work for.
Good luck, I hope you do well in finding a new job.
Spliteer: Thanks
| 5 | 10.4 | |
1394939546 | 1394940715 | t3_20j08c | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by shitting on the sidewalk
I had plans to go out with a girl I know in high school, we had hung out once before but we are both in a new city so I thought I could make a friend. I was going to meet at her house at 8:30 I so I ate a bit and was out the door by 8. I got onto the freeway, maybe 7 minutes away from my house and started to wish I had brought Pepto, my stomach was feeling crampy but I didn't feel like I had to go to the bathroom so I figured it would pass. I had some broccoli for dinner so maybe it was gas, everything I had eaten was fresh, bought only a few ours before so it had to be that. I was about halfway to her house when I started to feel like maybe I just need to throw up, I did a few test dry heaves in the car and thought maybe it would be a good idea to get off the highway and try and puke. I pulled over in what I assume was probably not a safe area and started to panic, I really needed to find a private place to throw up in. I ended up pulling into a gas station and pulling around the back. I have a pretty hearty gag reflex so it usually takes a lot to make me throw up. I stick my finger down my throat once or twice and immediately throw up a bit, pretty sure it was a good sign and I just needed to get it out.
I ended up barfing everything up that was in my stomach, it was terrible, I didn't realize how much food I had actually eaten and how bad it was coming back up, blue cheese dressing is so much worse the second time. I get in my car and give myself a breather, I feel better and I think I can get back on the road it seemed to all be over. It wasn't. I get back on the highway and start making my way to her exit, as I get off the exit I realize something is gonna happen again so I start looking for a gas station. I found a gas station and went inside to use their restroom, lo and behold it's out of fucking service so I dash back to my car clenching every hole leaving my body shut.
I drive down a block or two and can't find a single place so I realize I am gonna have to pull off into a parking lot and do what has to be done. I pull into a neighborhood and realize this wasn't that right decision so I turn around and pulled into a parking lot on the corner and parked my car at an angle so you can't really see from the street. I get out and go to the passenger side and attempt to puke again, my stomach heaves twice and I realize my body has fooled me, it's the wrong hole. Without even looking around I pulled down my high waisted jeans and drop the biggest shit ever on the sidewalk, peeing on my shoes in the process. I'm not done but I realize there is a car coming up the street I'm parked on and people about to walk past my car on the cross street so I shove the napkins I had down my pants and book it back to the drivers side. I have literally never been more ashamed in my life, I consciously chose to shit on the sidewalk, I could have held it but I was in too much pain for that to be beneficial to me.
TL;DR I shat and puked all over the sidewalks of LA
Jizz_Rag_Shuriken: This would be much easier to read if you broke it up into paragraphs.
derpmermaid: You're right, much better.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1394962092 | 1395205708 | t3_20jjfo | t5_2to41 | 97 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidently firing my dads handgun.
So im 16 but im for the most part gun safe but today i was feelin a lil cocky.
So be me at home watchin tv bored as all hell so i decided to break down my dads 9mm as if i were to clean it and ive done this a few times throughout my tv watching.
As i go to time myself for a fast break down and reassembling and i pull the slide back then take out the clip, thats a huge fuck up, and it didnt register in my head that theres a bullet now chambered.
As i go to slowly unlock the slide my hand loses grip causing enough force to ignite the bullet.
Barely misses the palm of my hand and it pierces my familys coffee table with a clean hole. After i calmed myself down i cleaned the gun, replaced the bullet, the stuck my tomahawks spike in there to make it look like it was from that and not a bullet.
Parents came home and i explained how the tomahawk fell when i was goofin around. They were none the wiser....and i know this is gonna get comments about me being a dumbass and irresponsible but please people, having that happen was punishment enough.
amplebooty: Wrong title to use, it should be "Years ago my Dad fucked up by buying a gun"
[deleted]: Ur parents fucked up by having u
Jimmacle: Lol, and you think I'm bad. Go get a life outside of insulting others for fun.
[deleted]: Who am i insulting here? Your the one who started talkin shit u fuckin neckbeard
Jimmacle: You must be 11 or 12. I'm glad that most of humanity isn't like you.
[deleted]: You probably cant read...my post clearly says im 16
Jimmacle: But all the other information is apparently wrong according to people that know anything about guns, so why trust a post? If you're really 16, that's honestly really depressing that I'm 15 and much more mature (and probably more educated, judging by your lovely grammar) than you.
[deleted]: Well arent you the golden child that spends all day on reddit. Im just very unfortunate to get alerts on my phone...so im stuck seein ur username.
Jimmacle: Oh it's mutual, I have the Chrome extension that pops up and interrupts whatever I'm doing every time I get a reply :)
[deleted]: Yea it sucks were both stuck with this bullshit
Jimmacle: It's like an endless cycle of annoyance
[deleted]: This is my last reply...im tossin up the white flag now...
Jimmacle: +1 internet argument won I'm such an amazing person :D /s
[deleted]: No its just im tryin to sleep n my phone light keeps turning on and now ur repeating the cycle
| 15 | 6.466667 | |
1394976235 | 1395005726 | t3_20jsdg | t5_2to41 | 18 | muchape: TIFU By getting dressed in my office and hitting the fan light and smashing it in to a million pieces in bear feet.
[deleted]: [All I could think about with this spelling mistake.](http://ppcdn.500px.org/39679192/a3228e5905266e6d1b81d82d78765cd0dd5b5a88/2048.jpg)
*bare
[deleted]: Same here, all I'm seeing now is a bear doing karate
[deleted]: [This](http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-cvqik9Rbxn4/Tu_sBYy9kTI/AAAAAAAAAkI/mI5dlCdnZlk/s400/bear+kung+fu.jpg) and [this](http://www.english-slang.com/inline_image/4840-loaded-for-bear) is for you.
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1394979007 | 1395023477 | t3_20jusx | t5_2to41 | 2,037 | dradonitch4383: TIFU by leaving vacation early.
So I'm on a school concert competition at Disney, but I have to leave early for a family vacation. So this morning I wake up early and go to where the cab service was meant to pick me. They weren't there. That should have been my first clue. But me being the dumbass I am I hired a cab to take me to the airport anyways. I get there and pay the $70 fare for the 20min ride. When I go to check in, I'm told my flight is tomorrow. I had for some reason forgotten to double check which day I was leaving. So then I had to go back to Disney and pay another $70 cab fare. All because I didn't check which day I was supposed to leave.
Marx0r: Disneyworld has a free shuttle service to and from the airport.
3CMonte: Most TIFU can be prevented by simply having more awareness.
nomaana: and better bladder control
humanmanguy: or bowel control
gmharryc: And locking the door when you masturbate.
a_shootin_star: Story time please
Extramrdo: So there I was, oblivious to the fact that I was masturbating when the door swung open, revealing my mother glaring at me, her festive mouse ears glowing a dimmer shade of red than the blush on her face. "Son, you're in the ladies room, you've got liquid shit running down your leg and you're actively pissing on me." I whistled for the free shuttle and yelled "Yo holmes, smell ya later." My plane finally landed, I was finally there, to sit on my throne as the prince of Bel Air.
zeaga: This is the best piece of literary art I've ever had the privilege of reading.
Instantcretin: I prefer Maupassant but thats just me.
| 10 | 203.7 | |
1394984628 | 1395146257 | t3_20k0vi | t5_2to41 | 26 | Fuck1_Marry1_Kill1: TIFU by throwing an iron at a spider
I was about to iron a shirt I'm bringing with me on a trip when I saw this huge daddy long legs (ugh, I'm cringing so hard right now) hovering by the ironing board. Not wanting to touch the damn thing, I grabbed a bottle of Resolve Stain Remover and squirted that motherfucker about 5 times, succeeding in knocking it to the floor. Quickly, I took the board down and set it up, flooded with relief that it was dead. I proceeded to iron my shirt in an orderly manner and thought no more of the situation, making sure that shirt was perfectly flat, managing to fuck up a couple times, but hey, it's done and in the suitcase.
I unplug the iron, and casually look in the corner where I'd knocked the spider down AND GODDAMMIT, IT WASN'T THERE. I was freaking out, because the only thing worse than seeing one of those eight-legged abominations is knowing there's a giant one incogntio somewhere near you. So, I do my normal self-sweep, check all the corners in the room and decide it isn't there so I relax a little-IT'S RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT and that's when I tried to throw the iron. It's a reflex, I couldn't help it. Not only did I miss the fucking thing, but I managed to hit my big toe in the process and splash water all over the floor. It isn't even noon yet.
[deleted]: never understood the irrational fear of spiders.
Fuck1_Marry1_Kill1: It may not have been irrational further back on the evolution timeline
telepaper: Once upon a time, men were smaller and spiders were bigger, so no, it's not that irrational. (Sorry if I hurt your imagination OP)
Fuck1_Marry1_Kill1: It's okay, I play skyrim
Stiffed_: I was never scared of spiders till I played skyrim!! Friggen frostspiders
KristyConfused: You must have never played WoW, then. Lots of spiders there that'd give Giant Frostbite Spiders a run for their money.
| 7 | 3.714286 | |
1394995223 | 1395501637 | t3_20kfqe | t5_2to41 | 23 | IronSlayer: TIFU by getting really enthusiastic about a blowjob.
You can probably see where this is going...
I [F] went on a first date last night with a really awesome guy - smart, funny, charming, gorgeous, the works. We went to a bar then back to his place to watch a movie.
Eventually things moved to his bedroom. He went down on me for a really long time, so when I got the chance(/energy), I pulled his pants off and started blowing him. Halfway through, I realized that I didn't take out my lip stud (I usually wear a lip ring, which hasn't given me trouble). At about the same time, he kind of grimaced, so I stopped.
He turned the light on and told me he had a cut on the head of his penis. I apologized profusely and said that it was probably my piercing and he said "well, there's a first time for everything" and wanted to keep going... Maybe I should be flattered? I made him stop because he said it hurt, but I still stayed the night at his place.
Funnily enough, it isn't the worst sexual experience I've had.
TL;DR: Cut a guy's bellend with my lip piercing, I was more stressed about it than he was.
D0wn_FaLL: That could've been much worse than what it was. Just feel glad you didn't cut it off or cut it wide open.
UkuleleBaller: SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP
-men with penii
UC18: >penii
its Penises.
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1394995199 | 1395028727 | t3_20kfpf | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling the truth to my son
My now adult son has always blamed me for divorcing his father. I finally told him the truth (after seeking advice and debating it for 5 + yrs) - his fathers sexual identity was not 100% herto. He doesn't believe me and cut me out of his life. I should have just lived with the blame. Screwed over twice, once by his dad and now by my son for something that wasn't even in my control.
Mommapz: wow simmer lady. i met a woman with that resentment once... it does no one any good. coming to terms with bi/homosexuality is a daunting and time consuming ordeal and often especially men with our society as it is "dude ur a fag, thats so gay. whatever homo" men will often live in denial. 13 years was not "robbed" from you. you married him of your own free will. i have an ex husband. he made my life hell for years. i dont blame him for those years because i wouldnt be me if i hadnt lived through them. my husbands ex wife is currently making our lives hell. i am not a fan of her either, but i still enforce the fact that had she not been in his life all those years he wouldnt have his kids, he might have had a different life and never met me. blaming the past or a person for the way you feel is petty at best. Being resentful of him is likely the cause of your son blaming you. they can pickup on that stuff. And if you told him "the truth" in anger or in a way that was disgracing his dad as though it was shameful it is only natural that he would react with anger and offense. You need to relax and let go of the past. its gone, you cant change it. Pick up the pieces and work toward the life you want NOW. misery attracts misery. so let it go.
Ophelianeedsanap: You sound like an insensitive bitch.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1394998608 | 1395030779 | t3_20kkxa | t5_2to41 | 23 | icaruss77: TIFU by letting in friends
Three months ago i moved out of my house because i have OCD. I now live with a different family. So yesterday they went on a vacation with each other and now i have the house for myself for the week. When i was grocery shopping yesterday suddently i saw a few of my old friends that i hadn't spoken to in a few months. We talked a little and i went home. And when i yesterday night hadn't anything to do i thought to myself: why don't i message a few friends to do something. So they all came over even when the rule was that i would let nobody in. So we smoked some weed and watched a movie, everything went fine. So today i was messaging with the mother that lives here if they were having a good time. So i was being honest and told them i had a few friends over with no idea that i could get ugly. Directly my mom was called and she called me if to know if everything was fine with the house and that they were furious that i let people in the house. A few moments later my dad came over to actually see if everything was still good at home. He told me that they were extremely furious and dissapointed that i let people in the house. I think when they get home next saturday that i will get the full load.
TL;DR: I let some friends in the house i was looking out for and now they are furious.
Now i am thinking to buy something for them, does anybody have any idea's?
[deleted]: Respect other people's property. Don't bite the hand that feeds you.
I have had 'friends' like you stay at my place, where they didn't have to pay rent, food, electricity, heating, and other small things, so to save money to get their own place. But they turned around totally disrespected my home like no other. That made me feel like I was being stepped on and disrespected.
I kicked them to the curb when they failed to see their mistake and properly own up to it.
You need to make amends and the only word out of your mouth for the next few months to only be 'I'm sorry' and 'yes ma'am' and 'yes sir'. No excuses.
Ask people who have been kicked out of their friend's home for doing similar things as you, how does it feel to be homeless? Was what that got them kicked out worth it?
Be a responsible human being.
telepaper: Don't you think you're overreacting here? Sure, OP didn't respect the rules of the household, but still, do you think excusing him/herself for the next few months would help? Sure, his family told him not to invite people. Sure, (s)he did not listen. Sure, they have the right to be angry, but think of it. They leave on vacation and expect him/her to stay alone for a full week. Personally? I'd go crazy. Humans are social animals. Besides, do you have any single idea how hard it is to live with a mentally ill person? OP didn't start to live with this family for shits and giggles, but probably because his/her family needed a break. The family EXPECTED it to be hard, they didn't adopt a mouse.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1394999845 | 1395005090 | t3_20kmwt | t5_2to41 | 9 | RHaz44: TIFU by selling dogecoin.
So, after a few days planning, and finally shipping a pair of headphones to sell for some dogecoin, I needed to sell it (things to buy, you know). So I post an ad on the relevant subreddit and wait. Not too long later I get an offer in my inbox. Link to verification thread looks good, all seems well, so I sent it in. This is when I realized the problem, his username was 1 letter different from the one in the verification thread. So, now I'm out $100. Not a great Sunday.
KennethEdmonds: Should cross post that to /r/dogecoinscamwatch.
RHaz44: Checked Unoffical Blacklist. He's there.
| 3 | 3 | |
1394996825 | 1395007286 | t3_20ki5h | t5_2to41 | 53 | oceanjunkie: tifu by snorting cayenne pepper.
My dad was making boiled shrimp and he bought a bag of various spices that you put in the boiling water. He showed it to me an I smelled it. It was extra spicy and went in my nose. It was a bit war, and then hot, but not that bad. I thought it might get worse, so I poured water in my nose. This spread it all down my sinuses and must have activated it I guess by getting it wet. It felt like my nostrils were on fire and I started pouring liquids out of my faceholes.
haabilo: Water just speards it, should have used something with alot of fat to bind the capsaicin.
oceanjunkie: Got it. Pouring melted butter down my nostrils.
haabilo: High-fat milk would do but, damn ಠ_ಠ
And the burning sensation should be over rather quickly, like half an hour or so. If there's alot of pain after one hour, it comes mostly from damage to the mucous membrane.
Also, fat won't magically absorb all of the capsaicin, 1-3 flushes are often needed for the immediate pain to stop but since it has been few hours since the incident, I doubt that it will help anything.
-Source: done this to myself few times by *accident*.
oceanjunkie: It's gone now. I figured the deluge of snot I was producing would work better than anything else.
| 5 | 10.6 | |
1395000436 | 1395099536 | t3_20knt3 | t5_2to41 | 22 | JWard515: TIFU by going home to poop
So this is actually my friend's story, it happened to him a couple days ago. He told me the story, and I said he should post it here but he didn't want it on his account because he's got other identifying information there. So anyways, here goes!
Apartment life took an interesting turn on Friday. The day started out as a normal payday for him. He walked into work 25 minutes late, hair swept by the wind, eyes red by the blunt. He sat at his desk sipping coffee and browsing reddit like any other day, not knowing his life would change forever in mere hours.
After the third cup of joe, he stoop up and stretched, and went to grab his paycheck. He waited in line at the bank, grabbing a fourth and final cup of coffee while waiting. On the way back to work, he passed by a Chipotle restaurant and pulled in for some burrito magic.
Fast forward now to about four thirty. He begins to feel the rumblin's and grumblin's building in the taint and building momentum through the intestines. There had never a been a more foreshadowing sound to a terrific shit in all of history. But this shit was not bred to be dropped off at work. No, this demon was one only to be released on the master's throne, and so home went a particularly tight cheeked salesman.
60 Seconds to detonation: He arrives at his building and begins relentlessly jamming the elevator button knowing he's on a strict deadline here.
30 Seconds to detonation: he slams open the door to his apartment and rushes to the chamber of duty.
10 seconds to detonation: His belt undone and pants falling to the floor, he reaches for lid, and lifts. FUCK. CLOGGED.
And that was the day that this 20 something year old man shat in a trashcan while completely sober.
TL;DR Buy a plunger before you need a plunger... and next time make sure that there's a bag in your bathroom trashcan.
DedHed8285: Where is Morgan Freeman to narrate this when you need him...
ELEPHANTBomb: Seriously... I want him to do this.
HOW DO WE CONTACT
MR. FREEMAN?
DedHed8285: Now would be a great thing for him to do a AMA...
ELEPHANTBomb: AMA: Will you please fucking read this into a microphone. It would make my 22 birthday complete.
DedHed8285: Would smash youtube viewing records to..
| 6 | 3.666667 | |
1395005412 | 1395059937 | t3_20kvhc | t5_2to41 | 7 | cornholio90125: TIFU by deleting a secret folder
So about a month ago I bought an iPod touch from my friend. The screen was shattered almost completely and the home button didn't work at all. In an attempt to make some space, I deleted most of the apps I didn't use, including an app called My Folder. Since it was locked by pass code and my friend insisted he had backed up the whole thing, I went ahead and deleted it.
Now, about 6 months ago, this friend ha told me a story of him getting two girls to finger each other over snapchat and sending him a video of it. Last night, I was talking to one of the aforementioned girls and asked if it was true. Sh denied it and that was that.
Two hours later I get a call from my buddy who is madder than I've ever seen him before. He says 20 girls called him in the last half hour saying that he's disgusting. He told me he asked and they gave my name. So my friend is in hot water for "starting a rumor" but he had evidence ! Unfortunately, that evidence went out the window with that My Folder app.
While they were dumb as hell to do that stuff in the first place, I really fucked up.
Tl;dr : deleted evidence that my friend DIDN'T start a rumor
cornholio90125: Btw, if anyone can give me tips on how to get this back, I would greatly appreciate it. Might save a friendship
xank79: Please don't circulate the video of these girls. If they are denying it then they obviously aren't comfortable with it being known, don't put them in a position that they aren't comfortable with.
jarwastudios: OP, Listen to xank79! Seriously, fucking up more would be giving this dude the video and him showing it to others. Showing that shit helps no one.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1394919328 | 1395086323 | t3_20iad1 | t5_2to41 | 10 | LCMufc96: TIFU by crashing my newish bicycle in front of a lot of people
this wasn't today but whatever.
so i was cycling home from school with my friend, i'd got my bike as a gift a couple of months ago from my parents. we normally go down this road past another school and a lot of people are normally walking past. it was busy as it was the end of the school day, its fairly steep so we were going quite fast but its normally ok because cars hardly ever use that road.
my friend asked me if i could go no handed, so me being an idiot i tried to one up him by crossing my hands over on the handlebars. This was a bad decision, i became unbalanced and needed to stop. As i was going fairly quickly it wasn't easy, i couldn't reach my fingers over onto the brakes because my hands were on the opposite sides. I panicked and thought that the best way to stop was to drift over to the wall (stupid). i crashed into the wall, bounced off and slid across the road. I grazed my hand and leg, ripped my trousers and damaged my bike.
This happened in front of a lot of people so i was really embarrassed, i also felt really guilty as i'd damaged the bike that my parents had bought me.
I got up and cycled home as quickly as i could because i was in shock, but at least my friend thought it was funny.
[deleted]: I don't know why exactly, but your writing has me thinking you're a really nice person. I hope your parents weren't too hard on you.
Also, you might as well immediately steer into a wall next time you're thinking of crossing your arms, it's more efficient and the outcome is the same. I remember trying that when I was young, oh the blood.
LCMufc96: It was all good, my parents weren't too bothered about the bike, more about me haha
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1395011949 | 1395036194 | t3_20l5f5 | t5_2to41 | 30 | sherwood_bosco: TIFU By thinking it was a good day for a bike ride.
Frankly it was, but now I'm 35 miles from my car, 50 miles from home, and burst both my tires. Time to start walking because the only person I could call for a ride is out of town.
melonfarmer123: Call a cab?
sherwood_bosco: I thought about it for longer than I would like to admit. Sadly I don't bike with my wallet on me (I just keep my keys and my ID), it was in my car.
Randosity42: do they request money up front? I thought you could pay them at the destination?
sherwood_bosco: Apparently there are enough seedy people in western Colorado Springs that they need to. I don't see it, but it's their policy.
EDIT: Specifically they request proof that you *can* pay them.
| 5 | 6 | |
1395015205 | 1395053995 | t3_20labk | t5_2to41 | 64 | Thenightbatties: TIFU farting after sex.
My boyfriend and I were having some after sex cuddles when he decided he needed to go home. I was lying down naked and he was sitting on my hips,so wanting to wrestle a little before I left I brought my knees up aNd then wrapped my legs around the front of his torso.
My boyfriend learnt forwards and pushed my legs into my abdomen making me fart.we giggled and I put my legs down only to feel something...wet on the bed sheets.
I was obviously embaresed by something and he asked what was up.
Unable to think of a excuse I said "I think I might have pooped."
After breaking down in laughter for a couple minutes my boyfriend got up so I could check.
I did not in fact poop but in the act of farting I also queefed and sperted his semen onto my sheets.
Thats what I get for restraining my boyfriend.
Mommapz: i call it Vagina Vomit. lol. depending on how far in they are it can come out 30 seconds after or 30 mins. if you are leaving the house make sure you "vomit" first. lol.
ZAGD: PAHAHA Vagina vomit. Perfect.
| 3 | 21.333333 | |
1395016807 | 1395025227 | t3_20lcqf | t5_2to41 | 67 | Lkalcik: TIFU by taking a shit at the boyfriends
So I hate doing the number 2 at anywhere but home. I was driving to the boyfriends house and the urge was unbearable. So I get to his house and the roommate is there. I'm thinking to myself "oh shit". I go into the bathroom trying everything in my power to hold it in. And I can't! It's there and I shit something fierce. I flush and clog the toilet! Shit is reaching the rim and all I can think of is oh crap. I try using the plunger and it's not working. I'm trying to be as quiet as possible. I walk outside trying to be calm, come back in and he is laughing and me the leaves. I'm so embarrassed I'm crying. This is why I don't shit anywhere but home.
InfinitelyOutThere: Why be so upset? Everyone has done that at some point.
Lkalcik: Because his roommate unclogged it! That is so embarrassing!
[deleted]: You know what's worse? Sitting at your boss's house while you are their for a meeting. :/
rizwan89: I got cancer from the grammar in this post.
[deleted]: Oh God stupid auto correct. My bad.....
rizwan89: lol
| 7 | 9.571429 | |
1395019085 | 1395085701 | t3_20lg4g | t5_2to41 | 2,912 | [deleted]: TIFU by listening to reddit
I was out really late last night. I woke up today hungover at about 12pm. I usually need to stay in bed for a while and let my brain heal from the damage I did to it the night before, but I really had to make it to Grandma's by 1PM for Sunday dinner. I just suck it up and roll out of bed, and its off to Grandma's we go.
So I get there and Grandma starts feeding me the meatballs and gravy she's had cooking since probably 5am. Usually I eat the whole plate but this time, being hungover and all, I only got to eat about 2 or 3 before my stomach started feeling a little queezy. I excuse myself from the bathroom to attempt to relieve myself of the pain building inside my intestines.
I remember reading that thread about how humans aren't designed to sit on toilet bowls. The basic idea being, your bowels are crimped until you sit in a crouch position. The poster recommended putting a stool in front of the toilet and using it to elevate your feet while you're pooping. I've been meaning to try it out but haven't had the chance. I don't have a stool or otherwise appropriate tool in my bathroom, either.
I remember the thread saying that this natural position for defication will allow you to poop twice the normal amount and get it all out of your system in one smooth shot. I figure what better time to try it than now, so I can get all those toxins out of my body and hopefully it will make me feel much better. What a stupid idea, but when you're sick and nauseous and you're about to shit your pants you get a little desperate.
Grandma's got this magazine rack next to the hamper. My great uncle built it a long time ago. Everyone in my family has one. He liked to work with wood before he passed away. It looked well built and sturdy so I decided this would be my stool device.
By this time I could feel the hot liquidy pool building up around my anus. I quickly unzip and drop trou. My pants are now around my ankles. (Mistake #1). I position the magazine thingy in front of the commode. I put one foot on it to test its weight capacity. Seems ok, besides this thing was built during WW2 I'm sure it could handle my measly 180lb body (Mistake #2). I put both feet on it and this is where the shit hits the fan. It cracked instantly. My feet were tangled in my jeans and I was going nowhere but down. The last thing I remember before my head hit the sink was "This is going to be loud."
I'll never be sure how loud it was because I passed out when my head hit the sink or floor. I was only out for a short time but when I woke up, my grandma, mom, sister, and cousins were crowded around me with the rest of my family watching from the door with looks of horror on their face. I lifted my head up and instinctively felt my face. Bloody eyebrow and the side my head is killing me.
Grandma started yelling in Yiddish something like "Get away from the boy! Give him some room!"; and covers my ass with a towel. Thats when I remembered I was naked from the waist down. Suddenly the smell of shit hits my nose. There is diarrhea everywhere. I shit all over the place. All over the sink, wall, toilet paper roll, the floor, and my legs. It was the sickest thing I have ever seen.
Anyway, long story short... I cleaned it all up and explained to my family what actually had happened. They think I'm a freak but yeah they probably thought that before today anyways. "Why can't you shit like a normal man" my uncle said. I was so embarrassed. I just left. I hate you reddit. I'll never listen to you again.
Dragonnett: OP not only posted the exact same story [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/confession/comments/20lb58/why_i_will_never_listen_to_reddit_again/), but coincidentally was also naked and had an embarrassing moment with his sister in another post he made at the same time [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/confession/comments/20l9cn/i_feel_like_killing_myself_right_now/). Just a little suspicious.
True or not, this story was funny as hell to read.
tmama1: So after spanking his naked little sister he went out drinking, went to grandmas hung over and shit himself. Sounds like OP is an idiot
themettaur: I'm just wondering why someone still living with their parents and little sister is going out drinking.
BitterSweeet: OP is obviously Jewish and the holiday Purim was this past weekend where Jews are traditionally supposed to get pretty drunk.
themettaur: Oh okay, I guess that makes a little sense. I still think he's living with his parents though, based off the wording of his spanking-his-little-sister post, and I really think it's kind of irresponsible for someone living with their parents to be going out drinking, at least heavily enough to be this hungover.
BitterSweeet: A lot of underage drinking occurs this weekend with their parent's blessing.
themettaur: Then it's irresponsible parenting in my opinion. It's one thing to let your kid have a glass of wine or a beer or something, and another entirely to let him get shitfaced and hungover.
barcalonga: Actually [Jewish law requires](http://www.chabad.org/holidays/purim/article_cdo/aid/2814/jewish/The-Purim-Drunk.htm) you to get shitfaced on Purim.
themettaur: Well I don't want to offend anyone or anything but I think Jewish law is kinda bullshit. It's an opinion, but it's mine.
barcalonga: > I'm just wondering why someone still living with their parents and little sister is going out drinking.
You may think Jewish law is bullshit, but plenty of people live by it.
themettaur: Well yes and it's all opinion but really, underage over-drinking can be damaging in more ways than one and I think rational parents would try to discourage their kids from it, Jewish or not.
Plus, to bring up the age-old adage, if everyone else jumps off a bridge, should you? Not that everyone's living Jewish law, but just because some people are doesn't make it sensible.
[deleted]: Nobody's arguing about whether or not it's sensible except you. You asked why someone still living with their parents and little sister is going out drinking, and you got your answer. It's pretty obvious that underage drinking isn't sensible.
themettaur: You make it sound like it's an acceptable lifestyle when you say "...but plenty of people live by it." I'm arguing that that shouldn't be the case. If you didn't want me to respond, you shouldn't have responded in the first place.
barcalonga: > It's pretty obvious that underage drinking isn't sensible.
Yes, and there is much in Jewish law that is way less sensible than that, at least by modern standards. When I said plenty of people live by it I was stating a fact, not condoning it.
themettaur: Fair enough, I misinterpreted. And then I thought the other guy was you.
| 16 | 182 | |
1395019920 | 1397627585 | t3_20lhb3 | t5_2to41 | 49 | mjbergs: TIFU by believing a house rental scam.
My mom and I have been wanting to move out of our current house and situation for a long time because it's extremely damaging, but my family has always been extremely poor. She was approved for federal disability recently due to severe rheumatoid arthritis in her wrists (yay...?), so we finally had the monetary funds to do so. We were ecstatic! ....until we realized how difficult it was to find a house in our area that met our needs, was affordable, and wasn't completely run down.
A house was posted on Craigslist that honestly seemed a little fishy, but I emailed the poster, got some information, forms were sent, yadda yadda. It seemed ok, and both my mom and I were too excited at the prospect of moving to think well enough. So, when we were asked to wire money for the first month's rent and deposit ($1,455), we did. We kept attempting to reassure ourselves that it wasn't a scam afterwards too. Oh, god did we fuck up.
The lady I had talked to had a very heavy accent. She said she lived in California, and the account we had to wire to was her "accountant's." We only noticed the account was located in New York when we went to transfer the funds. We still went through with it because we wanted the house so badly. After we had wired, we asked her about it being in NY. She said that she had just bought a house there. Uh huh.. Then informed us that the keys to the house would be sent within 24 hours after she received confirmation of the payment.
The next morning, the lady sent us an email. She said she had a stroke and was currently in the hospital, but would be cleared for the next day (today), and could send the keys out then. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, but a *stroke* right when you have to send out keys? And she sent an email from the hospital after having said stroke?
My mom called her, the lady said something about having to send the keys out tomorrow because of some other bullshit, so my mom told her that if we were being scammed, then she was going to get the police involved. I posted on Craigslist asking about the possible scam, and I've already gotten two emails that have confirmed my definite suspicions. A scam on CL? Who woulda thought?...
I doubt we can get the money back; The lady was probably overseas, especially because of the accent.
I'm really sad. We really need that money, and now it's just wasted. I could've used that for college or necessities or even something frivolous like a goddamn globe chair. Our emotions and hopes got the better of us, but I wish this lesson hadn't been so costly.
Also, that lady's a cunt.
TL;DR; Don't be stupid.
vgalosky: I'll beat /u/verdegrrl to it, here's something to start with:
Start:
http://www.reddit.com/r/automotivetraining/
http://www.autozine.org/technical_school/tech_index.html
http://auto.howstuffworks.com/car.htm
http://www.reddit.com/r/cartalk
http://www.hotrod.com/techarticles/
http://www.carcraft.com/techarticles/
Car sites:
http://www.edmunds.com/whats-hot/
http://www.autoblog.com/
http://hooniverse.com/
http://www.autozine.org/technical_school/tech_index.html
http://www.thenewspaper.com/
http://www.barnfinds.com/
http://www.motorists.org/
http://blog.axisofoversteer.com/
http://blog.hemmings.com/
http://www.petrolicious.com/
http://fabwheelsdigest.blogspot.com/
http://justacarguy.blogspot.com/
http://thechicaneblog.com/
http://www.marque1.com/
http://www.bringatrailer
Other than that I'd watch [Engineering explained] (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UClqhvGmHcvWL9w3R48t9QXQ) on youtube. Very good explaing of the basic concepts.
mjbergs: Oh, trust me, we know. We were just too caught up in the possibility of moving to truly recognize all the red flags. I know we were dumb about it.
Dancing_Rain: It's really sad that as a culture, we blame the victims of scams instead of the criminals that scam people. Don't call yourself dumb. You were the victim (and now are a survivor) of a skilled criminal. Shame on the scammer for scamming you. Now, do everything you can to bring her to justice and get her every punishment possible under the law, and stop this from happening to other people.
Make sure all info on this criminal is spread far and wide and people know that she is a crook and is not to be trusted. Drag her name through the mud.
| 4 | 12.25 | |
1395028009 | 1395277228 | t3_20lshk | t5_2to41 | 41 | kevanos: TIFU by getting jelly fish on my penis
I'm swimming in Miami and I feel a sharp sting on my thumb. Fuck. Jelly fish. It's only an inch long but I can see my skin bubling like a bad burn so I figure I have to pee on it. Right on the beach, I shove my hand down my trunks and pee. No relief. I look back at my thumb and part of the bubling is gone and I realized that it wasn't bubly skin but jelly from the evil slime that stung me and I just put that jelly on the tip of my dick.
My arm got numb up to my peck and hurt bad enough to offset the fact that my penis was burning and patially paralized.
My penis didn't hurt as bad as the direct hit. And the direct hit was probably worse because I left it on so long.
I was in pain for about 1 1/2 hrs.
So ya, today I fucked up.
deathtofiremen: Well you are supposed to pee on the sting so...
SatansChronic: No you really aren't. Peeing on the sting actually makes things worse. You should go home or to a first aid station and use vinegar or baking soda and water. Use seawater to get the rest of the stingers off your body and then wash with vinegar. Peeing on it will make the pain so much worse
deathtofiremen: Oh ok worked for me but whatever
| 4 | 10.25 | |
1395028939 | 1395147694 | t3_20lto0 | t5_2to41 | 23 | Emminora: TIFU by eating 3/4 of a can of beans with rice for lunch and Mexican for supper.
Now I'm hoping not to gas my cats in my sleep, and I'm praying my SO doesn't come to bed early. My innards sound like a thunderstorm and feel like an earthquake...
At least it's not Haribo induced..
pooplicker99: Whats so bad about haribo gummy bears
Thatsprettycoolbro: Haribo sugar free gummy bears Amazon reviews are the funniest shit i've ever read. Read the top review of all time.
AndroidImpact: link pls?
KristyConfused: [Try this](http://www.amazon.com/Haribo-Gummy-Candy-Sugarless-5-Pound/product-reviews/B000EVQWKC/ref=cm_cr_dp_qt_see_all_top?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1&sortBy=byRankDescending)
| 5 | 4.6 | |
1395028922 | 1395133858 | t3_20ltmw | t5_2to41 | 166 | sonorousAssailant: ELIF: Why do we have a 'dominant' hand and foot?
Thunder21: Wrong sub brochacho.
AndroidImpact: Hablas espanol?
| 3 | 55.333333 | |
1395029892 | 1395101428 | t3_20luu5 | t5_2to41 | 185 | orangesplorange: TIFU by shooting my boyfriend in the eye with his own semen
So earlier today my boyfriend and I were fooling around a little at my house, taking advantage of some rare alone time while my family was gone. I began giving him a handjob. For whatever reason, he hasn't cum the last few times I've done this, so we were both getting quite into it.
I was propping up my arm on my leg so that it would get less sore, meaning that his penis was at around a 45 degree angle. Finally the moment came, and so did he. I watched, with a vague feeling of horror, as the cum flew in a perfect arc out of his penis and straight up onto his face, landing in his eye. I burst out laughing as he yelled in surprise. After I stopped laughing, I ran to get him some towels to clean off his face.
Unfortunately, it was too late.
Thanks to the unexpected eye shot, his eye is weeping, red and swollen. Now my two little sisters, mom, and brother all think he has pinkeye. I don't know what to tell them.
wobwobwob42: Don't worry, every guy has done that to themselves.
Silverlight42: No.... no they have not.
wobwobwob42: You have not been trying hard enough.
worriedmtgdork: Hard to do if you're wearing glasses
shampeh: Or if you're not gay
Dinosoarman: :c. That hurts man.
| 7 | 26.428571 | |
1395035300 | 1395088420 | t3_20m0pb | t5_2to41 | 45 | [deleted]: TIFU by calling out my cat's name in bed.
The other night, I was having some pretty fantastic sex. Short daydreams kept distracting me since I was under the influence of a certain fun little substance. I was getting really into the sex, then images of my cat started invading my brain. I really love my kitty, in a totally non-sexual way, sickos. Anyways, I just couldn't stop thinking about how cute she is and mumbled/moaned out, "Awww, Ophelia".
The guy stopped what he was doing and gave me a weird look. Realizing what I had said out loud, I couldn't keep myself from laughing. He looked around, the cat wasn't even in the room. At this point I realized substances were making me nauseated and had to run to the bathroom. Luckily he was in the same substance boat as me so he kind of understood.
Tldr, high sex gets weird.
[deleted]: Was he a furry man?
clinically_alive: More relevant, is she a furry?
| 3 | 15 | |
1395038250 | 1395173254 | t3_20m39y | t5_2to41 | 42 | pantherdude777: TIFU by asking the wrong girl to prom.
I asked, for privacy sake, M, to prom. I got her flowers and one of those huge cookie cakes. Her friend, A, told me to ask her because she wouldn't of been asked otherwise. So I ask M to prom, she said yes of course, and she posts the picture on twitter. Meanwhile, Ive had/had a "thing" with a girl, J. I asked J to be my girlfriend, she said no, and that she wouldnt want to ruin our great friendship and doesn't want to "hurt" me. So J and I had been talking on and off since then, and we became good friends again. J sees the tweet M had posted. J calls me very confused, she told me why would I ask M. I told her that I had spent the last 3-4 months trying to get over her. And she comes out and tells me how she has secretly loved me this entire time. And that shes very mad that I didnt ask her. And inside I like J, but M is also pretty and we might become a thing after prom. Now I'm stuck in quite the pickle, do I ruin M's dream of going to prom with her friends and having a great time, or crush J's heart?
TL;DR Asked one girl to prom. Other girl, who told me we wouldnt ever be a couple, told me she loves me.
Oh and to make this even better, all of the school saw M's tweet on twitter. FML
**Edit:** Thank you everyone for the great advice! All day at school I got the same advice from my friends, and Im so happy that I can get the same, if not better advice from you guys! I will update day after prom! I *prom*ise!
**UPDATE:** So M's friend A backed out on my friend, N, and her friend S, backed out on my other friend D. So M backed out on me. So im stuck without a paddle in shits creek. :D
PhilippeCoutinho: Go with M
vgalosky: It's so retarded how they all backed out, stupid bitches.
| 3 | 14 | |
1395064591 | 1395237490 | t3_20mn19 | t5_2to41 | 68 | zaahnjanson: TIFU by pissing all over the back of my pants.
So yeah, I'm 6'3" 225 LB's and I normally use the large handicapped stalls in public restrooms, as normal sized ones are too cramped. I went into the bathroom to do the morning deed, and was forced to use the smaller stall as the large one was occupied. I sat down and started to release the urine, I heard the distinct sound of liquid on denim. Due to my size, and the smaller size of the stall, I had failed to tuck the the twig and berries down into the bowl of the toilet, and pissed all over the back of my pants. Its 8:45AM and I don't leave work till 4:30PM... I tried to rinse the piss and dry it as best as possible, but now I am sitting at my desk with a cold wet ass...
Edit: Twigs to twig, i only have one penis.
SwitchHiker: You pee sitting down?
zaahnjanson: I was dropping the deuce, and usually pee after the initial push.
blzy79: If I'm 6'4 and weigh 250 why don't I have any problems using the bathroom
zaahnjanson: Not every stall is the same size, I don't always have space issues in stalls. You can honestly say you've never felt cramped in any stall or bathroom ever?
blzy79: Nope the only time I ever have trouble is if I have a backpack with me. Maybe stall sizes differ in different places
| 6 | 11.333333 | |
1395079405 | 1395316534 | t3_20n9xn | t5_2to41 | 83 | irstupid22: TIFU By Accidentally Sending My Boss An Email About A Job Interview Instead Of My Dad
I have to get back to a recruiter today about a potential job interview. I wanted my dads advice, because he is an engineer also. I wrote up a quick email, hit D in the "To:" box, thought I clicked on David ____(my dad), but got Dan ___ my boss instead. I realized this when he replied to the email...
Just finished the most awkward conversation with him I've ever had. He didn't seem mad, he seemed some what supportive. Shit I wish this had never happened though. What a Monday...
Rysona: It's embarrassing, but maybe it'll turn into a good thing. He didn't yell or fire you on the spot at least! Might even give you a recommendation.
irstupid22: Said he couldn't give me one since he is my direct manager...
smarmyfrenchman: That sounds wrong, but I don't know enough about supportive bosses to dispute him.
irstupid22: Now that I think about it, it doesn't seem right.
| 5 | 16.6 | |
1395078169 | 1395278129 | t3_20n7vj | t5_2to41 | 11 | myncii: TIFU by dropping my phone in my drink whilst having sex
So me and my boyfriend were at home, nothing much to do, so decided to have a little hanky panky. We'd just finished having a bit of foreplay where I was rather enjoying myself and when we started properly going for it I obviously got a tad too excited and my hand knocked my phone off the side of the bed into a glass of juice. My iPhone. That I bought less than 4 months ago.
It's currently sat in a bag of rice with a black/occasionally flickering screen. I think I killed my phone, reddit.
Prepare_To_Be_Woo-ed: You should remove the battery first. You will probably have to pry the case open anyway to try to remove any residual sugar.
myncii: As I said it's an iPhone, only way to take the battery out is to dismantle the whole phone and it has a million different sized screws so I'd like to be able to avoid that if possible :(
blzy79: No you don't have to dismantle the entire phone to change the battery and you have to take out a total of like 5 screws
myncii: I know but apple are dicks and have tiny 5 spoke screws that you need to get a special screwdriver for so I've had to order one online and wait for it to come...
blzy79: Yeah it's called a pentalobe if you have a cell phone repair shop near you they should have some for sale
| 6 | 1.833333 | |
1395086918 | 1395286229 | t3_20nn06 | t5_2to41 | 251 | vidarino: TIFU by trying to be romantic with my wife
A few days ago, in a fit of spontaneous romanticism I decided to leave a small note saying "I love you!" in my wife's eyeglass case. I didn't get an immediate response, but since she doesn't wear her glasses that often I thought nothing of it.
On saturday, however, we went to visit some friends, and during the evening I noticed the case lying on a table there, and my friend curiously looking inside it, spotting the note inside. I grinned sheepishy, and told him that "I don't think she's found it yet."
The next day, while picking up our kids and their stuff (the kids spent the night at our friends' place) I asked my wife if she had remembered her glasses. She looked quizzically at me and said no, they were at home.
Oh boy.
Turns out I, a 40 year old man, left an "I love you!" note for our friends' 8 year old daughter, and complained to her dad about her not having found it yet.
Edit: I guess I should have mentioned that their kids slept over at our house the weekend before, and the daughter forgot her case at our place. That's why I didn't think twice about leaving the note in it, because the only case in our house is my wife's.
shadybrainfarm: This would have been even funnier if you had written something ... uh sexual, in the note. I mean worse. But funnier.
vidarino: Haha. :-P
Things could also have turned out more ... "interesting" if it had been the girl's mother's case.
smarmyfrenchman: I'm inclined to think that a sexual advance towards an eight year old would get most people angrier than one towards a MILF.
| 4 | 62.75 | |
1395086440 | 1395110463 | t3_20nm6g | t5_2to41 | 205 | Apokilipse: TIFU by mowing the lawn
In high school I used to make some extra money by cutting grass in my neighborhood. One of my regular clients, Mr. Lucas, had asked me to take care of his lawn while he was out of town, so I filled up my mower with gas and rolled it down the street to his house.
After yanking on the starter chord a few times, I began that oh-so-familiar back and forth trek across the lawn with the motor whirring away. Imagine my surprise when, barely three rows in, I saw the house door open and Mr. Lucas step out onto the lawn.
...Wait...
Not Mr. Lucas
Not his house
"Son, why are you mowing my lawn?"
So the lesson here, kids, is to always double check addresses no matter how sure you are...
Prepare_To_Be_Woo-ed: This is a great blackmail scheme. Cut a few rows and then negotiate the price for finishing the job.
Apokilipse: I felt so embarrassed about the whole thing that I offered to finish his front yard for free. Clearly I'm not cut out for this lawn-maintenance mafia business haha.
SgtGrayMatter: Not CUT OUT!? I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE!
Did you finish the lawn?
Apokilipse: Haha I actually didn't mean to make that pun! I finished the front yard since that was already started, but the man (who was very cool about the whole thing) said he enjoyed the exercise of lawnmowing, so he asked me not to do the back yard.
SgtGrayMatter: Way to come through, OP! Have an upvote!
aldekeyser: you get an upvote, you get an upvote, you all get upvotes. except jerry he is a mess.
| 7 | 29.285714 | |
1395088022 | 1395167952 | t3_20nozt | t5_2to41 | 3,055 | [deleted]: TIFU I let a woman die.. not sure what to do
Ok, this is my throw away. So didnt happen today but over a course of a week but it was closed today.
I work for a law enforcement agency (unamed) as D/S.
In Law enforcement you quickly become jaded seeing only the worse in people even though you would like to see past it.
Woman constantly calls us for abusive husband.
We keep going back arresting the guy, relocating her to her family etc.
Happened about 5 times over the course of 3 months.
About 4 days ago she calls saying that her husband is abusing her so we go to respond.
We respond, talk to her, no signs of physical abuse, like she claims.
annoyed to most point. Husband denies it.
She asks to contact a home for abused spouses. I hand her a pampflet with the information to contact and pick up. *the home location is confidential and the only place i know where to take her is the drop off which is 45+ mins away*
she runs out of house and asks me and my partner to take her to the drop off. I respond that Im not a taxi service and that she needs to call a cab. She says ok.
I leave, 20 mins later We get a call at the same place by a neighbor cause the witness heard screaming.
We arrive the woman is shot by her husband 2 times.
shes on life support for about 4 days, Im freaking out.
she ends up passing.
Idk what to do anymore i feel pretty shitty and I have been drinking and called off the next week.
TIFU big time.
Edit: thank you all for your supportive responses. I'm going to delete this post but hopefully you see this edit.
Just a heads up for you guys saying it's my job to protect and serve etc and stop people dying etc. please tell me what you would have done that would have prevented that. Show me with your extensive knowledge of work in this field, while you sit behind your computer screens eating chips while living at your mothers.
I'm going in to counseling this week
impreprex: Well...
Unfortunately this is the same attitude I've seen from many who work in law enforcement. When we need something that is within the power of a LEO, it's always, "I'm not a taxi service", "That's not my job", etc.
I feel for you, OP, but damn it. This attitude from many who work in law enforcement needs to stop.
We're people. Just like you. Just like your family. Please stop treating us like we're nothing.
Anyways, perhaps you can start a movement or something for situations like this? Maybe bring it out in the open how citizens seem to be second class citizens when it comes to LEO's.
Sorry this happened. Really. :(
But please change your attitude towards civilians (I hope you will after this), and tell your co-workers as well. Good luck.
Edit: The jimmies that I have rustled makes me wonder about people sometimes. What's with the anger?? I know they are not a taxi service, but she was asking for a ride to a safe place away from the same boyfriend who killed her! Some of you are real agitated over this for some odd reason. It's like I'm hitting a soft spot!
OhMyMoogle: He did say that they had already relocated her ~2x/month for the past three months. At that point, you can't help someone who won't help themselves.
AvalonBright: He said he relocated her to her family. Not to a home, nor do we know the circumstances of why she went back from family to her own house.
Regardless of the past situation, if you're a policeman and you have an apparently frantic woman begging you to take you to the home, then you better do it. It's "Serve and Protect" not "Serve and Protect as long as I don't feel like it's too much out of my way to bother with."
OhMyMoogle: As someone else said, the only thing he could maybe have done differently would be to wait outside while the cab came. They *aren't* a taxi service and would probably be well outside of their boundaries to be bringing her somewhere almost an hour away.
StrawRedditor: > They aren't a taxi service and would probably be well outside of their boundaries to be bringing her somewhere almost an hour away.
Then maybe that needs to change.
And while of course it's not his fault if that is the rule, if he really feels so bad about it... then maybe he needs to be the one to push for a change in that policy. Whether it be giving her a ride or just waiting around.
3dogs3catsandahedgeh: Your town has a limited number of officers, whose primary job is to be on hand to prevent violence and crime. If you take two officers and a car out of town for two hours, there's no one to fill in. In my town and in the department I worked for there were three officers on per shift in the evenings. Three. Three cars including the sergeant. Now if someone had a robbery in progress, or someone was being raped, or if there was an auto accident, there would be one less car and one less officer available to respond. No one would have been happy if he had transported her and if while he did a serious crime had occurred. The outcry would have been as loud in that situation as it is in this one. His job is not to transport someone when another service could do it just as well, especially in this circumstance, where she had no visible harm done to her and no arrestable offense had been committed. It's easy to second guess after the event has occurred. He followed protocol, and protocol exists for a reason.
StrawRedditor: Then wait around and wait for a more serious call. Inform her that "we can stay for now, but if something urgent comes up we have to leave".
There are a ton of situations that would have involved more effort towards someone in need beyond that of "we're not a taxi service so we're leaving now".
Doshibu: It's easy for us to say this, but not as easy for a LEO to do. There is no way to know if this woman would have left but eventually gone back to her abuser like she had done multiple times before. He could have waited, she could have gone to the battered women's shelter, and she could have gone back to pick up something when the abuser was supposed to be at work, and he could have killed her then.
It's a sad situation, but to lay blame on the officer just isn't right. It's really easy for us to judge him after the fact, but chances are a lot of us would have made the same call.
StrawRedditor: > There is no way to know if this woman would have left,
Your right... but my point is, is that this guy made no attempt at all to help her. That is why he feels guilty.
Hyabusa1239: Except he has made attempts to help her in the past, multiple times in fact. She keeps returning. How is he supposed to know it is going to be any different this time? Furthermore, it's not like she didnt have the option to just walk away if she truly felt she was in that much danger. I am not saying that is how it should have went, but it is another option. I don't think people should be so hard on OP seeing as he made a calculated decision based on a previous history with this person/house. Bad things happen, and sometimes they are unpreventable. Sometimes, they are preventable, but only by going the extra mile. It's impossible to know what kind of situation it is until after the fact. At some point you need to draw a line and create a protocol to follow - otherwise nothing would ever get done if everyone went that extra mile in every situation. (Ideally, things should be revamped so that LEO are staffed enough to be able to go this extra mile without it impacting the overall duties of the station, but that isn't the case).
StrawRedditor: >How is he supposed to know it is going to be any different this time?
You don't, but that's the thing... you never know, and this is one of the reasons why the phrase "it's better to be safe than to be sorry" exists.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not necessarily blaming the OP... I maybe would have done the same thing. The point is, he took a calculated risk, and he lost. That's something he, or anyone else, has to deal with when they do things like that.
Hyabusa1239: I agree but like I stated, at some point a line has to be drawn with the current state LE is in. If they followed the rule better safe than sorry 100% of the time, the majority of the time it would be for naught and LEO's would be spread extremely thin. It's just an unfortunate by product of how the system currently works.
StrawRedditor: Which is why I don't really blame him... what happened is just an accepted fact of the job. But, he needs to actually accept that, or do something to change it.
| 14 | 218.214286 | |
1395089751 | 1395101058 | t3_20ns2q | t5_2to41 | 35 | [deleted]: TIFU by shitting on the couch
The last year, I've been struggling with IBS, but doing fairly well with it. No accidental pants dookies, or anything like that at all. A few close calls, but always able to make it to the bathroom.
Today, I went home from work early because I was super tired. I've been laying on the couch and napping. I woke up and have just been browsing reddit on the phone. All of a sudden, I feel a fart coming on. Doesn't feel like anything but a tiny bubble, so I figure I can trust it. I've never had a problem trusting a fart before.
This was no small bubble. This was pure, liquefied, shit. I feel a little squirt pop out, and then run to the bathroom to let the rest out and then change my underwear. Apparently, I wasn't fast enough, because now there's a brown stain on the couch cushion. Yay. Hopefully I can get it out before my girlfriend gets home...
Edit: It came out pretty well. Took a wet paper towel at first, then Lysol wiped the shit out of it. Now I'm going to light some incense and take a shower...
Esdren: Now I'm waiting for the update on whether you tell her what happened or just pretend it never did? I hope you threw the underwear out, no point in salvaging that.
[deleted]: Probably going to pretend that nothing happened. Underwear is sitting in the bathtub for now until I decide what to do with it.
goss98789: I would recommend burning them if they are really bad (which it sounds like they are).
[deleted]: It wasn't that bad, really. Just barely enough to soak through to the couch, which was easy since they were thin boxers.. Probably will toss them, though. Luckily, I have another pair that looks just like them, no one will be any the wiser.
| 5 | 7 | |
1395102015 | 1395116014 | t3_20ocsy | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by riding a bike down a hill in 100 degree weather.
When I was little I always wanted to go outside and play like almost every other child. Except this day it was way hotter than usual. At the time I was living in Georgia and during the summer it was easily 100 - 102 degrees I was with my mom at her friends house. I was about 6 or 7 during the time and my moms friend had kids *lucky for me they weren't home that day*. She told me since her kids weren't home I could ride one of their bikes around the neighborhood since there isn't much traffic and I didn't want to sit there and listen to them talk. I get a bike and I start riding and it's hot as satans dick but I'm not complaining I have a bike and my imagination. So initially when you do most things you don't get tired until you've been doing it for a while, same case. So I ride for about 7-8 minutes and start feeling hot and kind of tired. Then I come to this **HUGE** hill and think to myself "*Here's a hill I can ride down fast and get some air plus I don't have to pedal so I can cool down and gain some energy at the same time*" **Bad Idea**. I get down the hill and then decide it's time to go back because I'm a little too far from the house I was visiting and I don't know this neighborhood. I turn around and begin my journey back up this long steep hill. Then heat starts getting to me like crazy. I start slowing down and then fall off of the bike from being so tired. The sun was draining the life out of me and I'm like slowly passing out and there is literally no one outside to see 6 year old me catching a fucking heat stroke. So by this time the bike becomes too heavy to pull beside me so I leave it and now I'm across the street from the house but can't walk anymore because I'm so exhausted so I'm crawling across the street and I'm like almost dead at this point so my mom happens to see me from inside *thank god for glass doors* and she gets me and carries me inside and gives me water and I didn't go back outside until it was time to leave later that day. It was actually a scary experience because my body never felt anything like that and I was 10/10 sure I was gonna die. Guess it wasn't my time..
**TLDR; Rode a bike down a hill, Almost had a heat stroke coming back up**
chanceguy123: Today I Fucked Up. Not "When I Was Six Or Seven I Fucked Up>"
elbonner: he fucked up today by reminiscing about fucking up in the past... i feels OP
| 3 | 1 | |
1395116777 | 1395172897 | t3_20ozx8 | t5_2to41 | 58 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying an at home constipation remedy
I'm visiting my parents for a week to help my sister get set up for college. Tonight I had to take a shit really bad and sat on the toilet for hours and nothing.
So as to not embarrass myself I decided to try an at home remedy for constipation which was putting a piece of soap up your butt.
Two minutes later I had "it" up their and I thought everything was going to be OK. Boy was I wrong.
It started with a minor burning sensation and quickly turned into a full raging inferno, apparently I used some kind of scented soap that didn't agree with my anus. I quickly hop in the shower with a rubber glove and start digging to get the damn thing out, but I can't seem to find it. When I did finally find it I quickly pulled it out, but it was at an awkward angle and hurt like hell going out.
I thought "great it's out, now maybe the pain will stop" That is when I noticed the blood in the shower. I touched my rear end to find a pool of blood and a new found definition of pain.
I hopped out of the shower and grabbed the most absorbent thing I could think of which was a roll of gauze and began shoving it up my anus. The bleeding stopped but the pain only got worse.
I'm now sitting on my bed on my stomach writing this on my phone in a huge amount of pain, and no body in my house knows, oh and I still have to poop.
TL;DR: Used soap to cure constipation, didn't go so well.
MasterOstrich: I can't think of any logical reason why that would work! Why was this your first idea rather?
WhatSheOrderFishFile: This was an old family cure for constipation. The reasoning: the poop was too hard/rough and needed lubrication. They didn't jam a whole bar up soap up there though, they'd cut a smaller portion length-wise (like a french fry) and hold on it it while inserting & lubing up the inner butthole. I still don't necessarily see how/why this would be the preferred method- if anything why not try some *actual* lube or better yet, a laxative!
wolfofthenightt: In my defense it was a small piece, but had a sharp edge
| 4 | 14.5 | |
1395108899 | 1395123783 | t3_20oo24 | t5_2to41 | 61 | MBS_theBau5: TIFU and now my professor calls me "Drew P. Wiener."
For my police administration class, we had to write a response to a complaint letter that out "department" received. Our class was broken up into multiple groups, and that is our department.
We also had to write a complaint letter to another department and my prof said that we could just sign it with a random name. Enter 14 year old me. I immediately thought of the name Drew P. Wiener, and didn't think she would be collecting the letters we wrote, and even if she did, how would she know it was me? I should've realized she has probably had her classes do this assignment before, and knew what people signed their names as.
She collects the assignment, and just my luck mine was on top. She sees the name, looks at me, then walks back to her desk. About half an hour passes and she asks the class a question about the lecture. She calls on a Mr. Drew P. Wiener. I've been waiting for this moment and it finally happened. The class started cracking up, and now everyone refers to me as Drew, or my "full name."
TL:DR Hello my name is Drew P. Wiener
CaptainExpletive: How's it hanging?
I'll see myself out...
Mr-Brandon: To the right.
| 3 | 20.333333 | |
1395119596 | 1395124885 | t3_20p3cc | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by thinking my 17 year old brother is responsible enough to pick me up. I am now sitting in a gas station waiting for my parents to come get me.
Throwaway b/c im a dumbass and im only posting my dumbassery since i promised the kind lady an update.
I arrived home today after spending the last year abroad My flight landed at 5 then i caught a bus to the closest town near my parents. My brother was supposed to be at this bus stop waiting for me to arrive at exactly 7pm. I have no working phone since but i do have a fancy little tablet i picked up for a few bucks b4 leaving china. This tablet has wifi so i can sign into the bus station wifi and make a google voice call if needed. 7 comes Nd goes, no brother. 7:30 hits and i decide to give him a call. Voicemail and the calm drops. Between 7:30 and 11 pm i call my brother over 50 times. He never picks up. My tablet dies Nd i am sitting at a hoe bunk bus stop at 11 pm w/ no way home. There is one other person at the stop. She lets me use her phone to send my brother a kindly worded text. Its now 11:30 and no sign of him. Midnight hits and i decide to hitchike and try to get home. I get picked up by one person who drops me at this gas station. Thankfully the attendant has a laptop and is kind enough to allow me to use it. I emaIl my parents Nd they are now on their way. Its 1am.
Today i seriously fucked up. I memorized my bro's cell specifically to call him and he never even bothered to answer.
ccck46: I'm just curious, why didn't you search for local taxi-service on tablet via wifi and get home?
[deleted]: B/c i'd have to pay for it...
Unfortunatly I'm w/ penis so i couldn't just *flash my way home :(
babyshampoo: Huh?
[deleted]: Make sence now? I havent slept since yesterday(? Time difference idk) so my spelling is not where it should be atm
babyshampoo: Ohhhh, okay. You could flash him and hope for the best...
| 6 | 2.166667 | |
1395091640 | 1395282601 | t3_20nvdq | t5_2to41 | 83 | fartberg: TIFU by answering a facetime call from my grandmother
I was laying in bed yesterday masturbating to porn on my iphone when my grandmother called me via facetime. In a hurry to hit the decline button, I actually hit the answer button and grandma got a quick look at my pre- "o" face. I quickly hung up, but she called back and I didn't answer that time. I waited a few minutes and she asked me what happened. I had to tell her that my phone died, and I was charging when I called her back. She still seemed as if she knew I was bullshitting her.
Good thing I wasn't in the middle of a nut.
thelovicmachine: I call bullshit, it takes a while to connect to FaceTime after you accept the call, so either you were so furious in you're masterbation that you had your eyes closed or you intentionally wanted to your grandma to see it.
randomdice101: He wanted grandma to see.
Lakonthegreat: "Mmm, you like that Nana!?"
satanlicker: Aaaaand i just threw up in my mouth, thanks for that.
Lakonthegreat: You are so very welcome.
| 6 | 13.833333 | |
1395125984 | 1395288686 | t3_20p9qy | t5_2to41 | 267 | [deleted]: TIFU by becoming "that girl" at the club.
This was actually late last night (or really early this morning). I'm a stripper, and I'm friends with a few of the other dancers. Now, as far as strippers go, I'm very innocent, which means I'm just about average in the normal population. The hardest drug I've ever done is marijuana. So when one of the other dancers asked me if I wanted a weed cookie, I accepted.
We were working that night, and I took a bite of the cookie. It was big, green-ish, smelly, and gross. Oh well. I took another bite. And another bite. And a big chunk. And . . . shit. The cookie was 2/3s gone.
I'm not a stoner. I get high occasionally, usually not more than once a week. I bought an ounce over a month ago and I've still got a decent amount left. So, that cookie? Yeah, it fucked me up big time.
My friend had already eaten several cookies because she was a huge stoner, but she didn't realize how strong they were. She felt sick and went home. I should have too . . . but I didn't. I felt fine at first. I was spinning so pretty around the pole. All the flashing lights . . . the money . . . my sparkly shoes . . . I was so happy.
Then it got to be a little too much. I went to the dressing room to sit down for a few minutes, expecting it to pass. It didn't. I felt nauseated and threw up in the trash can. I kept getting higher. And I **panicked**.
I started crying. I started hyperventilating. I was shuddering. I couldn't stand up. Other girls noticed and tried to get me to drink water, but I didn't want to. They had to pretty much force me. The manager came and tried to get me to calm down, but I couldn't. I kept crying and apologizing and just . . . despairing. I knew I couldn't go home because I'd get lost, even if they called a taxi. I was too afraid.
It kept getting worse. I was completely convinced that I was going to die. You know that feeling you get in your worst nightmares? It was like that, but I was awake and couldn't escape. I wanted to tell them to call an ambulance, but I couldn't form the words. I kept wailing that I was sorry, I was so sorry, please don't call my parents. I thought they'd have to call my parents because I'd die. They'd find me dead in a strip club from a drug overdose.
I don't remember exactly who, but I know that several of the other dancers helped me out. I remember that someone brought me a Snickers bar and made me eat it. I felt a little better after that. A couple girls came by and rubbed my back to stop me from crying. The manager, who normally doesn't give a shit, was surprisingly compassionate. He stayed with me in the dressing room for a while, making sure I kept drinking water.
Anyway, I didn't die. I fell asleep on the floor, woke up a couple hours later, and was able to make it home. The next day, I made an apology cake and brought it into work because that shit was pretty ratchet. On the bright side, that next morning I was so thankful to be alive and not brain-dead. And once my apology was accepted, everything was pretty damn funny.
Let this be a cautionary tale for other innocent dumbasses like me: **take little bites of edibles**. That is all. Thank you.
Edit: [Here's a picture of the cake](http://imgur.com/84bxyIV).
packrat386: I had a friend who enjoyed smoking marijuana for a while, and then it started giving him crazy panic attacks so he doesn't smoke any more. Hopefully you'll continue to be able enjoying your weed, but be careful in case you get a panic attack next time.
ghost_victim: Oh man. Eating weed is so much different than smoking it. They could be two different drugs imo!
splinterhead: Clearly *somebody* doesn't smoke enough weed...
ghost_victim: Haha, probably several pounds since I started at 18.
splinterhead: I was just goofing around! No shame for any amount of smoking. I inherently agree, eating* weed is usually very different from taking it in via the lungs.
*edited
smarmyfrenchman: I always found smoking weed to be identical to taking it in via the lungs.
splinterhead: Oops! I meant to say eating vs. taking it in via the lungs. Vapor is different than smoke and all that, and I've gotten just as fucked off a volcano as edibles before....
| 8 | 33.375 | |
1395144992 | 1395272018 | t3_20pnvu | t5_2to41 | 46 | DudeManBr0: TIFU by eating an entire container of Harissa
TL;DR-Stupidly ate an entire container of Tunisian chili pepper paste called "Harissa." Cue scorched Earth, F.K.A. my anus
This actually happened last night but I hadn't felt the consequences of my actions until this morning so really its LNIFU. I am at the grocery store getting some things for my wife and while I was there I want to get some sort of dip for the tortilla chips I had put in the cart. I go over to the dip aisle and am very unenthused with the selection; mostly hummus, which I do like but am tired of. Suddenly I spot this container of a deep red substance and pick it up. "Harissa," it reads.
[Harissa](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harissa)
I skim the ingredients: roasted red peppers, tomato paste, garlic, olive oil, "spices." I think, hmm this sounds like it might be good and pop it in the cart. Fast forward an hour or so and I'm home, sitting in front of the tv when I get hungry. I go to the kitchen, grab the tortilla chips and harissa and come back. I pop it open and take a taste-at first it tastes smokey, kind of earthy and I like it. I continue eating it and get a hint of the back end, spicy. I like it a lot and eat on. One entire container later and I'm sated. Mistake #1. I get ready for bed and go to sleep, not really thinking through the gravity of my choices. This morning I wake up and my intestine is doing its best impression of yesterday's California. Thinking nothing of it, I go to the bathroom to complete my morning routine. I sit down to begin the movement and let it happen. Not bad at first, nothing wrong with this one. Suddenly, the fiery gates of hell open up. My asshole is on fire. Absolutely torched. I wipe, and wipe, and wipe, and wipe. Nothing. I clean up and crawl back to bed, defeated. I lay there, hoping at some point the fire will put itself out. After about 20 minutes, the flames are starting to subside and I think "Ok, well that sucked but at least now its over." WRONG! Once again, my bowels are moved to tears and I find myself doing my best impression of a fecal butane torch. Rinse and repeat a third time and my asshole has third degree burns. Never again will I ever do anything like that and make my poor asshole suffer like that. Long story short, don't do Harissa, kids. Unless you do it in small amounts, then it's ok. Entire containers? Not so much.
Joethepsycho: Is it as bad as a bottle of siracha?
Nekro31: Sriracha aint got nothing on Harissa. Harissa is the devils reincarnate.
Joethepsycho: Sounds fun
| 4 | 11.5 | |
1395147325 | 1395176772 | t3_20pq7x | t5_2to41 | 292 | The_Ultimate_Bro: TIFU bad by manscaping.
So this morning before I went to school after my shower I decided it was a good time to clean up down low. So I decided might as well just shave instead of trim this time, and this is the first time I've completely shaved instead of trim. So I've noticed for the past few years I've had hairs growing on the rim of my butthole the ones that cause dingle berries and I decided to fully shave those off.... I had cut at least 3 or 4 different spots in my butthole by now, so as I'm typing this on the bus I had to walk half a mile to my bus stop, I was looking like the cast of happy feet, not only a bloody butthole but the little hairs rubbing against my asshole is one of the most annoying/itchiness things I've ever experienced. Don't make the mistake I did...
TL;DR- shaved butthole got insanely itchy and bloody.
Edit: just took a poop, reopened a scab bleeding again.
ComputerWhatever: It sucks when you have a hairy ass but can barely grow a beard.
iLurk_4ever: Made me think, can we do ass-to-face hair transplants?
The_Ultimate_Bro: You're a genius....
| 4 | 73 | |
1395153929 | 1395188220 | t3_20pyq9 | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU I ate Rolaids as breathe mints
For the past little while, I've been eating Rolaids as breathe mints even though it's an antacid. I haven't been feeling weird or anything but man, I feel stupid.
aldekeyser: sorry for endorsing my own subreddit but this would be good for r/TISLIFUBIAO (today it seemed like i fucked up but its actually ok)
OnyxEcho: I saw the thread this was created in. Way to live it up man!
| 3 | 3 | |
1395152114 | 1395252521 | t3_20pw0k | t5_2to41 | 582 | bwebb0017: TIFU by using some kind of peroxide as eyedrops
Embarrassing confession, but this is hilarious, so I can't help it. A week or two ago I finally got back into contact lenses. I bought a bottle of re-wetting drops, since it had been a while since my eyes were in contacts, and they weren't used to them. I used the drops several times. One night, I used them, and immediately felt horrible fiery pain in my eye. It was excruciating. I had been eating something spicy, so I chalked it up to my failure to wash my hands before using the drops. Then, last night, I used them again, and again felt amazingly terrible pain in my eye. After running to the bathroom and taking out my contacts, when I got back to the bedroom, [I found this bottle open on my bed, where I had thrown it as soon as the burning began](http://www.schererlabs.com/schererlabs/images/products/ERO_EarWaxRemovalDrops.png)
About a month ago I came down with a bad cold, and both of my ears were stopped up. I had bought this stuff to try to unclog them. Apparently I had gotten it mixed up with the re-wetting drops... twice...
epandaman13: this wouldn't have been too bad if you hadn't done it TWICE
AccioTimeLord: Yeah I work for an eye doctor and we always say that patients who use Clear Care (hydrogen peroxide cleaning solution) will only make the mistake of putting it straight into their eyes once. Now I'm wondering how many of them were just too ashamed to admit to doing it multiple times...
Pandolin11: Have used Clear Care and have applied it to my eyeballs. My eye had an involuntary reaction and closed. It felt like I had to pry my eyelids open to remove the solution-smothered contact from my eyeball.
I haven't used Clear Care since. It's acid to the eyeballs.
ProblemPie: I have tried that shit *so many times*, I refuse to believe that it works for anyone. The solution does not neutralize, and it's impossible to rinse every bit of it from the contacts themselves - which means BOOM, flaming eyeballs.
I just assume that everyone that uses Clear Care burns their eyes off every morning and suffers through it because the box says it should be fine.
Draked1: I use clear care every single night and have never had a problem. The only time I had a problem was when I was camping and knocked the case over and half of it spilled out and didn't neutralize overnight and when I went to put my contact in in the morning it burned like a motherfucker.
ProblemPie: I don't know, maybe it just doesn't respond well to my eyes or something. It refuses to not melt my eyeballs.
Draked1: How long do you let it sit?
ProblemPie: Usually 8-9 hours, since I don't put my contacts in right when I wake up unless I'm starting an early shift at work. I also haven't used Clear Care in like half a year.
Draked1: That's weird. Maybe you're allergic to something in the solution.
| 10 | 58.2 | |
1395168732 | 1395181635 | t3_20qmz5 | t5_2to41 | 147 | [deleted]: TIFU By not showing up for work
Today I fucked up... I live in a house in a foreign country together with four other guys. It was Sunday evening and some of the guys were having a beer and just chilling so I joined. Well to make a long story short it escalated and I spent the rest of the night hugging the porcelain throne. But fuck, I have work tomorrow (6 am). So I decided that I was going to try to sleep for two hours and then go to work semi-drunk. That didn't work out...
I woke up at 11:30 with 11 missed calls and 5 text messages. I've never been that scared in my life, what the fuck am supposed to say to my boss? Well I sent a text explaining that I have food poisoning and then I just sat on the bathroom floor, staring into the ceiling.
The next day (today) I went to work and I couldn't look my co-worker in the eye. We were only supposed to be two people at work that day, it's hard but it works. Now she had to sit alone the whole day. I haven't met my boss yet and I'm so fucking nervous about that, I'll probably get fired or something for not calling in sick and leaving my co-worker alone. The worst thing about all this is that I let my colleague down. She is the most wonderful person I know and I completely fucked her by not showing up. I have no idea what to do when/if I get fired but I totally deserve it.
I apologize for shitty writing, I'm not a native english speaker.
hulagirl4737: It was shitty of you, but its a mistake a lot of people make.
First thing, don't tell ANYONE that being sick was a lie. You stick to that food poisoning story till death.
Second, if your boss asks why you didn't call earlier, you say that you 100% planned to call if you weren't feeling better by 5:00AM. You didn't want to call too early in case it passed. You were up all night puking and going to the bathroom, were so dehydrated and tired, that at some point around 4:30 you must have fallen asleep when you sat down to rest. The moment you woke up, you called them, but it was too late. You didn't mean for time to get away from you. If you have a good reputation, they'll believe you.
Third, tell your coworker how sorry you are that you l eft her alone for a shift. Offer to buy lunch next weekend to make up for it, or to cover a shift for her when she needs to take a day off. Then let it go. Everyone gets stuck covering a shitty shift someday. She'll get over it.
Tsaru: I agree with this guy. You'll be fine.
hulagirl4737: Who you calling guy, pal?
cyondios: Who are you calling pal, buddy?
hulagirl4737: I'm not your buddy, friend!
Augenmann: You callin' me friend, dude?
| 7 | 21 | |
1395171466 | 1395189558 | t3_20qruc | t5_2to41 | 264 | [deleted]: TIFU by breaking my friend's tablet
Who keeps their tablet under their pillow anyway? Well, I found out that this guy I'm seeing does.
And I found out the hard way.
I sat down on the bed and applied too much pressure to the tablet I was blissfully unaware of. When he found out, he was livid, and kicked me out of the house at 4am.
I started to have a panic attack (I'm a uni student in a city I'm not well acquainted with yet) and I had to phone home to my parents a hundred miles away because I was panicking so much I was incapable of phoning a taxi. They ordered one for me and I got home safe.
This morning however, I had to see him again to replace the tablet screen. I'm fine with this, I can accept mistakes and pay for them. After arguing the situation out we both calmed down. I made it into town to wave goodbye to £95.
Tits.
I also had to spend £20 on transport.
We've made up but I'm pissed about being kicked out still and it looks like I'm not gonna be able to go food shopping for the next few weeks. Brilliant.
elektro_onfire: Uh... you made up? So you're still seeing this asshole? Who kicked you out on the street in the middle of the night for accidentally breaking is poorly stored electronic device?
Sounds like a keeper :/
Thegreenclarinet: Well we made up because I don't like conflict and I'm also a total pushover. And 'was' seeing now I guess. Yeah, why leave hundreds of pounds worth of equipment under your pillow. I shouldn't have had to have paid the full amount but like I said, I'm clearly a pushover.
Beardyhead: How much of a pushover? You owe me $50!
That_Deaf_Guy: >£99
Classic Americans.
[deleted]: *whoosh*
| 6 | 44 | |
1395183786 | 1395196813 | t3_20rehg | t5_2to41 | 80 | l3radrocks: TIFU By Selling My Pen To My Friend
Hey Reddit, I fucked up today, and it all starts with a pen. Not just any pen mind you, it was a fountain pen.
My friend had recently bought one, and had let me write with it. It flowed so smoothly and seamlessly that I just had to have one. So I went out and bought one. The thing I didn't know was that I had to buy ink. After the ink that came with the pen ran out, I just put off buying more ink for it. Fast forward to yesterday, my friend lost his pen during one of our classes and offers to buy my pen from me. I agreed, seeing as how I hadn't used it in weeks. We agreed that he would gift me Fallout New Vegas, 8k Dogecoin, and a stick of 512mb ram (I mean, why not?) that he had taken out of his old computer. I thought this was reasonable offer so I agreed.
Fast forward to today, during 1'st period he gives me the stick of ram in exchange for the pen (He had already sent me fallout and the dogecoin). I spent all first period just messing with the stick of ram and flaunting it around, because you know it's a stick of ram. Bell rings, and I go to my Digital Tech class.
[Now, I have had problems with the teacher of this class before.](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1r6lt9/tifu_by_making_a_scratch_game/) ; tl;dr I have and computer science teacher who knows nothing about computers and hates me, and she wrote me up for finishing all my work. Seeing as how she hates me, which is honestly my fault for provoking her at the start of the year, she is always out to get me. So today, I was showing my friend the stick of RAM. She walks up, and demands I hand her the stick of RAM. She claims that I had stolen it out of one of the school computers. I just sat there, shocked, and tried to explain my self to no avail. She sent me the the administrators office.
At the office, the administrator looked like he wanted to take my head off. For some reason the idea that a student would steal hardware enraged him. I had to sit there five minutes while he lectured me. When he stopped for a second, I jumped in and explained my side of the story. At first he didn't believe me, so crossing my fingers, I told him to open up his computer and compare the sticks of ram. All the computers at school are the same model, so they have the same hardware. When he opens it, I show him that they are not the same and explain how I got it. Eventually, after one the IT guys that work at the school confirmed that my stick wasn't the same as the school's, he let me go, but it was really embarrassing having to go through that.
Tl;dr - I sold my pen for a stick of ram and my teacher accused me of stealing it.
dralcax: Why don't you just download the ram instead?
l3radrocks: Know any good websites? I was planning on doing this for my next build.
dralcax: www.downloadmoreram.com
telepaper: Is this a legit thing or will I download a truckload of crap?
mokeskin34: It's just a silly animation. You can't download hardware.
telepaper: Ok thanks, I was confused for a second or two
| 7 | 11.428571 | |
1395192247 | 1395255974 | t3_20rsz8 | t5_2to41 | 1,218 | The_Anal_Intruder: TIFU by being an idiot and trust in strangers
I'm sorry if this is not the place for this, but I am so angry right now.
I live in a small EU country, and crime is not a big problem. People trust eachother usually around here.
Today, I was enjoying my day off with my new/old car. I finally got my paycheck, I filled the tank at a gas station on the highway and my plan was simple; enjoy a nice drive down to the coast.
I drove of the gas station and after 10km I notice my car was pulling to the left. I stopped on the side of the road, and I saw I had a punctured tyre. I was a bit upset, because I had new tyres on and the spare is a shitty spacesaver.
Anyway, I lift the car up, and start to undo the bolts when a car stops and an older guy and a lady come out and they ask if I need help. I politely decline, and they go away. I wasn't thinking anything about it, and swapped the tyre and went ahead.
Fucking 5 min later same thing but on the right side of the car. Front right tyre flat. I couldn't believe it. My only spare was already on the car, and the next exit was about 15km ahead. I couldn't drive a car like that for that long. I called a few friends, but none were near me at the moment. A few minutes later a car stops, and asks if I need anything. It was a family. Mom, dad and 3 kids aged somewhere between 6-14. This time I was in need of a spare tyre and they offered it to me.
I jack the car up, remove the wheel and try on the spare. It was a normal 4 bolt spacesaver, but the space between the bolts was not the same as it was on my car. So we were not able to bolt it on. They leave, and I call a towing company. I didn't want to do it because, they charge a lot, and I didn't want to spend that kind of money, but it was my last option.
While I wait for the tow truck, I was trying to find the insurance card.
Usually I have it in the sunvisor, but I was doing the insurance a few days ago and I put it in my wallet. But guess what. I couldn't find my wallet. I searched the car, I called the gas station. I remember putting it in my door pocket as always. The wallet dissapeared.
I thought I had dropped it somewhere when I was changing the first tyre. But I recieved a text from my bank and somebody was using my card on an ATM and they entered the pin wrong 4 times. I called the bank, and cancelled all my cards, and then called the police.
In the meantime the tow truck arrived, I apologized to the guy, because I didn't have any money and he was nice enough to give me a spray that filled the hole in my front tyre so I could drive off the highway.
Later the police arrived I explained my whole day to them and they said they suspect it was a planned scam from the beginning.
They checked the cameras on the first gas station, and called me to tell me they were right about the scam.
Basically, when I went in the gas station, somebody punctured my rear left tyre. When I drove off the first couple followed me. While I was changing my tyre the lady was in front of the car, and she must have put something under my front right tyre, so when I drove off it punctured it. When the family stopped and we were changing the front right tyre, one of the kids stole my wallet, because the dad was with me, and the mom was in the car all time. But all 3 kids were walking around.
The police said that they must be well organized to pull off a scam like this. Usually they puncture one tyre and try to rob you on the first try.
So now I'm left with two punctured tyres, no documents and no cash.
I can't believe someone goes through all this hassle to steal a fucking wallet with 50€ in it. I mean my car is old and cheap, It's not that I am a rich guy and I carry a lot of money with me.
I am sorry for the wall of text, and all the spelling mistakes I made. English is not my first language, its 2am here, I'm angry and I can't sleep.
EDIT2: I came here, to rant about and calm down a bit, and I found a lot of really nice people with great advices. Thank you very much! And to the user who gave me gold, and to /u/tyzbit who tipped me, thank you very much. But please if you have spare money, just donate it somewhere, to a shelter near you or something. You are a great community, I just came her for moral support and you delivered. Thank you!!
EDIT: Thanks for the kind words. I guess I'm not the only one who would have fallen for this. Also, I spoke to my mom's cousin who is in the police and he is almost sure they are a group of gypsies who were causing trouble last summer, scamming tourists. But we'll probably never know.
**edited: TL;DR: Thought I will have a nice day, needed help and got scammed during the process**
WPBDoc: Was the family in the car a gypsy family? I've heard they train their children to be pickpockets and thieves and use them as a criminal family enterprise.
The_Anal_Intruder: Could be, but they were not typical gypsies.
UnreachablePaul: They stole your wallet, so how come they were not typical?
dahulvmadek: Downvoted for what!? My first thought when reading this story was "gypsies".
xaronax: Yeah, we get it. You're a racist stereotyping piece of shit and you need to tell everyone it's gypsies. Do you think it's normal or sane to post SEVENTEEN comments about fucking gypsies in the same thread?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
[deleted]: Why are you so hostile?
xaronax: To useless shitheel trolls and racist twats?
Because I want to.
Do you have a problem with it?
[deleted]: So you're just an angry person then?
xaronax: http://i.imgur.com/mr8QpaM.png
Fuck off, you little racist shit.
RoyPherae: Man, you have GOT to calm down with throwing the race card everywhere. Especially on the internet.
xaronax: 'Throwing the race card' is only applicable when people aren't actively stereotyping an entire "race" and throwing out racial slurs. They're not subtle or veiled.
And I don't "GOT" to do anything. Fuck off.
RoyPherae: Maybe you should just watch some cat videos, actually. Shit's relaxing.
xaronax: Cats are disgusting useless creatures that transform money into reeking feces. Maybe you should work on your self image and self respect.
Cunt.
RoyPherae: I dunno, man. I like me. Self respect is at an all time high. Also by self image I have no idea if you mean physically, or more so my representation of myself online, cause I like both of those things as well. Positivity is great.
Faggot.
| 15 | 81.2 | |
1395189231 | 1395256907 | t3_20rntv | t5_2to41 | 87 | tifutrain: TIFU when I drove onto train tracks
<throwaway>
Leaving my hotel room in middle of nowhere Indiana at 4 AM to drive my rental car to Michigan to catch a flight to California. I was barely awake, and trusting my GPS more than I should have. The GPS took me on a new path through this town that I'd barely driven during the day, so when it told me to turn right, I turned right. Onto train tracks.
I knew I'd fucked up immediately, because, well, train tracks, but I was dismayed to discover that I could not move forward or backwards. Then, I looked in the rear view mirror and saw the light of a train in the distance. Got my ass out of the car (and my stuff), and dragged it all well away from the tracks. I was still in town, so there were houses all around. Called 911 and explained to the dispatcher that:
A) I'm a dumbass.
B) I've turned my car onto train tracks, blocking them entirely.
C) There is a train coming real soon now.
(I also told them who I was and where I was)
About 3 minutes later, 4 police cars arrive. One of the officers told me later that a lot of people had called in the "idiot on the train tracks" in addition to my 911 call, which is why lots of cars got sent out. One of the police officers took out his mag lite and stood on the tracks waving his flashlight to stop the train, which he did with about 50 feet to spare. Conductor comes out, talks to police, sighs, gets back in the train.
Officer then comes over to talk to me, I explain my fuckup, and he determines that I'm not drunk, just a half-awake idiot. The other officers then try to move my car, with no more success than I had. The tracks were surrounded by a thick layer of black grease, which my front wheels were submerged in. At some point, a man from the railroad showed up, to determine whether I had done any damage to the tracks or surrounding equipment (I did not). He explained to the police that the reason for the large amount of grease was to lubricate the trains wheels as it passed through town on the straightaway, so that when it took the curve, it didn't squeal and annoy everyone who lived nearby.
Tow truck shows up, drags my rental car off the tracks and on to the flatbed. Cost me $270 in cash to get the car off the flatbed (tow truck drove me to an ATM). Police and the tow driver examined my car, found no damage (other than grease all over the wheels), and let me go on my way. I hauled ass to the airport and just caught my flight.
To answer some obvious questions that you might have:
* There were track signs (and lights), but no crossbars. I didn't see them at all in the dark, until I was out of my car watching the train get closer.
* The train was long enough that when it stopped, it blocked off most of the cross-streets through town, resulting in a lot of people not being able to get to work on time (the policeman kindly informed me that I would not be a popular fellow if I was sticking around).
* The road I was supposed to turn on was a narrow side street on the far side of the tracks... but on the left side, that same road was on the near side of the tracks. It is not an excuse for blindly trusting the GPS, but the officer informed me that I was not the first idiot to do this at this crossing, and in fact, two crossings down, a drunk woman had stranded her car on the tracks the night before me.
Had to tell my wife about the unexpected expense, she was not at all amused or pleased, and we're not really talking right now. I guess I'll get a face full of anger when I get home.
porcia918: Not your fault. This is ridiculous - GREASE on the train tracks?? They should be SUED for endangering people's lives.
What if it was a Mom driving with 4 small kids in the back? What if the train was closer??
Hell, what if it was your Wife that got stuck on the tracks - THEN it would have been a different story.
EDIT: I see the women have arrived on this post haha.
mgearliosus: Train tracks are like, four inches wide. That's not going to be doing anything to a car. OP turned ONTO the tracks, as in, off the road and onto the tracks.
porcia918: I can't believe I'm even going to reply to your comment.
Well, too bad OP didn't have YOU driving him instead.
I cannot believe how Superior these people think they are. Calling OP a dumb ass and making fun of him.
OP made a mistake that anyone could have made - the fault is that of the railroad mgmt. because of the GREASE - he could not move his car. Anyone could have done what he did.
Maybe one day some of you will be put in a situation where your life is at stake because of the negligence of others. THEN, it will be a completely different story, won't it?
Downvotes just mean you've read this, and had a reality check.
mgearliosus: You just completely changed the point of your original comment and I never downvoted yours.
I don't even give a shit about OP going down the tracks, it's not my problem.
Your comment was about the tracks being greased and resulting in an entire family being killed. I'm making fun of YOU not OP.
porcia918: you make no sense at all.
| 6 | 14.5 | |
1395203170 | 1395245411 | t3_20rjxs | t5_2to41 | 11 | PurpleAmity: I haven't found it and I've looked everywhere it could possibly be. Based on the way they'be been acting toward me tonight I'm almost certain they took it. They haven't said anything about it yet which is really confusing, but they've been acting really... cold towards me all night. I guess I'll just have to wait this out and see what happens.
Twosauced: It also might be the paranoia that you think that your parents found it. That's why you might think are acting odd to you. Keep searching and give updates.
PurpleAmity: I hope you're right, but if they didn't take it then I have no idea what happened to it. I put it in my bag before i went to bed, and when i got out of the shower the next morning it was not in the bag. I guess all I can do is keep looking. Thanks for commenting by the way and I will update if anything new happens!
fredinvisible: Any updates for us?
PurpleAmity: Nothing new. I still haven't found it and they still haven't confronted me about it.
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1395203169 | 1395207125 | t3_20sa0f | t5_2to41 | 34 | Ragingwithinsanewolf: TIFU by falling asleep in class
Fell asleep in class with my pants unzipped. Woke up with my erection shooting out of my zipper. I had underwear on but it was obvious what was going on under my pillar of cloth. I sit in the front row so I'm pretty sure someone saw
alleypro: at least you didn't cum... or did you....
Ragingwithinsanewolf: Haha I wasn't having a wet dream or anything, I was just really relaxed. So no I didn't haha
| 3 | 11.333333 | |
1395199012 | 1395315329 | t3_20s441 | t5_2to41 | 217 | munitedhooligan: TIFU by thinking there wasn't anyone inside
I work for a delivery company. Have the shitty shift where I take out all our morning freight. I usually get up at around 5 to make sure I'm all good for the day. (3 S's)
Well as yesterday was St. Paddy's, I kinda spent a little too much time not going to bed. Ended up waking really late. Managed to throw on my work clothes, run out the door, and make it to work with a minute to spare.
I'm on my route, taking some things out to a few businesses. Normally at the hour I show up, there's never anyone there. So I have to come back. Anyway, I'm at an office, knock on the door.
No answer.
Knock again and start writing up a note saying I'll be back. And that's about when my 8 pints of Guinness and Irish pork stew come along to remind me I didn't shit this morning.
I let it out, probably one of my most raunchiest farts in my life. Long, toneful, and warm. I let out a sigh of relief and put my tag on the door. Just as I turn my back, the door whips open and this solid 9 was standing inside.
She whips out this glorious smile for a second, only for it to be gone the next. And I realized why. The open air had suddenly been filled by one of the most putrid smells I've ever encountered. She looked at me, and I could tell she knew what had occurred.
I looked at her, gave her a shameful smirk, basically threw the package at her, and practically ran back into my truck.
Needless to say, I'm never delivering there again.
hambooty: her fault for not answering the door. it's like sweet, unplanned revenge
kuavi: Revenge for what? Not getting to the door instantly? People don't sit around waiting for the delivery guy all day. She probably was in the middle of something.
organicjavelin: I do :(
Vanguard-Raven: What would an organic javelin have delivered?
| 5 | 43.4 | |
1395225466 | 1395346654 | t3_20su3m | t5_2to41 | 306 | holnrew: TIFU by attempting to trim my eyebrows.
You can probably guess how this went.
[Imgur](http://i.imgur.com/LtaZWmp.jpg?1)
AugustinexBoethius: go to /r/makeupaddiction. They will help you draw your eyebrow back on.
BrokenByReddit: Drawn-on eyebrows look really stupid. Even stupider than old one-brow here.
AugustinexBoethius: Please don't make generalizations. You'd be surprised to learn that, with proper technique, anyone can use makeup to shape and color eyebrows in a subtle, tasteful, and very realistic way. Just about every /r/makeupaddiction user does this, and with [great results](http://imgur.com/LEqvgwC) (photo 2 --> photo 3). Check out the sub and you will see what I mean.
BrokenByReddit: Photo 3 looks very artificial (because it is), which looks infinitely stupider than photo 2. But that's just my opinion.
Edit: Downvote all you want. I remain unconvinced.
afteryou_I_insist: I too remain unconvinced. Fake eyebrows are retarded.
BrokenByReddit: The makeup mafia is after us!
afteryou_I_insist: sensitive folk, aren't they?
[deleted]: meh I upvoted both of you guys. I'm with you guys they look really bad
backlash572: Fucking hell!!! Can we stop arguing if fake eyebrows look stupid or not and actually offer some USFULL advice?!
| 10 | 30.6 | |
1395233866 | 1395262590 | t3_20t290 | t5_2to41 | 66 | CeltiCfr0st: TIFU by trusting a fart before even waking up.
So there I am. Just enjoying a nice sleep before I have to wake up and go to class. I remember dreaming about something and knowing that right then my physical body had to play some anal acoustics. I thought, "ah, what the hell! I feel fine!" I did not feel fine. I remember feeling something wet hit my boxer briefs.
O__O
I felt, with hope of not having shart myself for the first time in my life, my underwear only to feel that I did, indeed, shit myself. "Oh fuck I have to go to the bathroom." So I go and unleash an army of sloppy mud dragons. It's not fun and takes about 20 minutes.
I'm currently in the express clinic hoping to solve this.
IAMBATMAN29: Sooo you went to a clinic just because you had the shits? It'll probably pass without need for that
CeltiCfr0st: I'm going to Chicago on friday for my brothers graduation trip, so I wanted to get rid of it as fast as I could.
IAMBATMAN29: I hear ya. I had it around Christmas. Never good to have in those social situations.
CeltiCfr0st: It sure does suck. Plus if I shit myself on the plane I will never recover and I'm pretty sure I'll get a rash from the angry mud dragons.
| 5 | 13.2 | |
1395243644 | 1395314746 | t3_20th1t | t5_2to41 | 2,140 | ragingsuppository: TIFU by wearing khakis to school
I woke up today and decided to wear shorts since it was a fresh day and didn't feel like wearing jeans. The only shorts I had were khakis so I just put them on and went to school. When I got there I had to go take a piss so go to the urinal to relieve myself. When I finish, I usually shake my wiener to get those last couple drops out. Here's the thing, I am not circumcised and was flaccid at the moment. I let go of my foreskin and then more piss came out. That's where I messed up. I practically made a piss pouch with my foreskin and when I pulled it back, the piss just flew out and mostly landed over my shorts. Wearing khakis made it super obvious that I got piss on me. People saw my mess and it was embarrassing. As I'm writing this, I am sitting outside waiting for the morning sun to dry my shorts and rid me of my yellowed shame.
Muchhappiernow: Simple. Just call it the splash from diligently washing your hands at the sink. It happens.
Lefthandedsock: This. It's not complicated, OP.
For extra believability, splash a little water on your shirt.
DoubleB123: The worst is when the sink is like a pressure washer and actually does spray water all over you, but then no one believes you and assumes you pissed yourself and are trying to cover it up.
Kyhan: That's why you get it all over yourself. Like, Take your pants off, and get them soaked. Take your shirt off, do the same. No one pees that much.
Metal_Badger: Call me no one then... * sob *
SixFootJockey: RES tagged "Firehose"
Metal_Badger: Are you my ex?
SixFootJockey: Perhaps. Do you pee a lot?
Metal_Badger: Leave me alone, SARAH!
lazyNeighbour: I miss you
| 11 | 194.545455 | |
1395246385 | 1395261456 | t3_20tlwm | t5_2to41 | 124 | glitchx: TIFU by burning the crap out of my fingers like an idiot.
This happened last night after I made dinner. I was making mashed potatoes on the stove (electric), nothing difficult. I had just turned off the burner and taken the pot off the heat to stir it. In the process of doing this, I spilled a bit of liquid onto the adjacent burner and took it apart to clean. When I finished wiping it down, I went to put the burner back in but it was rather loose. I couldn't remember if it was supposed to be that way or not, so in a moment of grand stupidity I decided to touch the other burner to see if it was also loose. How I forgot that I had just finishing cooking on it is beyond me, but I was quickly reminded by the searing pain in my fingers.
I ran my fingers under cold water, hoping that it would be similar to touching a hot pan (painful but short lived). Nope. I gave myself a nice second degree burn. I shoved my hand into a large cup of ice water (mistake #2) and thought maybe if I left it in for 20 or 30 minutes, the pain would die down. Instead, every moment I took my hand out of the water was met with extreme pain. I spent almost two hours keeping my fingers in cold water waiting for it to die down. In the end my boyfriend had to wake up our roommate to give him a ride to Walgreens so he could spend $30 on various burn ointments and gauze. I feel like shit, not only because I'm a moron and touched a hot fucking stove but also because we couldn't really afford to spend $30 on my fuck up.
The burn ointment at the very least provided almost immediate relief. My fingers are still sore, but I'm making sure to keep them wrapped up with some neosporin. Also I figured out why the burner was loose. I forgot to put the fucking metal cover back on.
I'm a fucking idiot.
SirDigbyChknCaesar: Keeping your fingers in cold water was the right thing to do, but apparently the damage had already been done. Usually the faster you can get them in cool water, the less damage there will be.
glitchx: I was told after to use tepid water as ice cold water can make it worse. By that time, though, it was too late. I ran tap water over my fingers immediately after burning them, so I imagine that my burn could have ended up a lot worse than it is.
ssmade06: I remember my grandmother (stereotypical black southern women) put butter on my hand once when i burned it on the stove. None of that fancy cool water for me haha
courtoftheair: The fat insulates and makes your burn worse.
| 5 | 24.8 | |
1395248606 | 1395284879 | t3_20tq3v | t5_2to41 | 42 | FUextraordinaire: TIFU by sleeping with a coworker at a job I started a week ago
I just moved into a big city and got a job at a bar. I really like this bar. I really like working there and I really like hanging out there when I'm not working. A friend who also works there got me the job. One of the waitresses and I went out with a few friends for St. Patricks Day, one thing lead to another, we ended up back at her place, and the rest is history. Now she won't stop texting me and calling me and I'm not sure what to do. She's cool and everything but I'm not one to rush into this stuff and I'm really worried her clinginess is gonna end up getting one, or both of us fired. Not to mention the fact that it's getting pretty annoying. Any advice?
superstunbingo: Getting involved with coworkers is always tough stuff. Don't shit where you eat.
mgearliosus: What if you live in a studio style place that's just one room with the toilet and everything exposed?
I actually wouldn't mind a place like that.
BrokenByReddit: >What if you live in a studio style place that's just one room with the toilet and everything exposed?
I believe that's called "jail."
mgearliosus: Hmm, how do I move into this "jail"?
Geaux_joel: Walk up to a guy in blue...slap em in the face
mgearliosus: The guys with saggy pants and tattoos?
superstunbingo: That will just get you shot. You have to make sure he was one of those tiny nickel plated heart shields before you slap a man in blue.
mgearliosus: OOooohh, you mean the [HOA](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homeowner_association) agents.
smarmyfrenchman: What?
| 10 | 4.2 | |
1395272682 | 1395336141 | t3_20uw9i | t5_2to41 | 273 | RedHair-DontFuck: Tifu, I kissed my mom in my sleep.
So here is the back story to that. I went with my mom on a business trip to Texas because I was on spring break. While in Texas I saw I guy I haven't seen in about 4 years and we ended up still having an major spark between us, and ended up sharing the best make-out session I have ever had my entire life. I got back to the hotel at about 2am, (we went late night bowling an played billiards) took a quick shower and jumped into the small bed my mom and I shared in the room. All I remember is that I woke up kissing my moms arm.
The next morning she told me how sweet it was for her daughter to snuggle up next to her and kiss her like I had done. She even bragged to her friends how sweet and adorable it was.
I don't have the heart to tell her I was probably just having a wet dream about this guy....
friedjumboshrimp: Good thing you didn't fuck him, no knowing what you would have done with your mom.
RedHair-DontFuck: Seriously wish I did though..... ;)
EDIT WITH THE GUY NOT MY MOTHER!
Cutecat42: You need to rephrase that. People here on Reddit will think you want to have sex with your mom, lol
17Hongo: Obligatory broken arms reference.
[Here](http://www.reddit.com/r/facepalm/comments/1wmkv9/yeah_what_if/cf3pifk) is a link to an anthology of disgusting shit on reddit, which includes that story. I also recommend the "Swamps of Dagobah" and "Shitfisting Potato".
fredinvisible: Commenting so I can disgust myself later.
17Hongo: Do not, I repeat NOT, read all of those at once.
Or, indeed, read any before or soon after a meal.
Cutecat42: I just had breakfast...let's see how this goes.
17Hongo: Get yourself a bucket.
Cutecat42: I was fine until I got to the Jolly Rancher one. OMG! But I was able to recover, and am reading on.
EDIT: Okay, I definitely need that bucket now.
17Hongo: > [Redditor since:2013-11-09](http://i.imgur.com/8yD6s4H.jpg)
| 11 | 24.818182 | |
1395270988 | 1395423549 | t3_20uthz | t5_2to41 | 25 | friedjumboshrimp: NSFW -TIFU by eating at Chipoltle while on a full stomach!
Today I had to travel away from the office for a business meeting, unfortunately I went with two other workers and I didn't drive. Knowing that it was going to be long day I got up early and my girlfriend made me French Toast, bacon and grits for breakfast. We arrive at Corporate HQ for the meeting and being a germaphobe I usually cannot take a shit away from home. The meeting goes good and we do not break for lunch meaning it's going to be a earlier end time. The meeting gets done around 2:30 and the boss tells our office that we take take the rest of the day off because we had to travel 45 minutes to the meeting. The two knuckleheads I am working with decide that they want to get lunch, I just want to go home. I get outnumbered and we go to Chipoltle. I cannot resist and get the Barbacoa Burrito and I have them load that baby up, extra rice and meat! So we are leaving and it's 45 minutes to the office and then I have another 25 minute ride from there to home. As we get near to the office I feel like I'm about to shit myself right there in the backseat of the car. I make to my car, and now I am clenching my sphincter trying to hold the beast in my bowels. There were a few times I just wanted to surrender and just shit my pants to alleviate the pain. I make it home and I smile as straddle the ceramic throne and squeezed out the monster inside. Something was different, there was a sharp pain and the tinge of blood as I wiped. I decided to take a shower to get a good cleaning, I feel what is causing this pain, I have a bump on my rim about the size of a small grape, I grabbed the handheld mirror to get a better look. I am worried and dry off, after a few minutes of google image searches I realize what it is. WELCOME TO THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF HEMMORHOIDS. So now I am sitting here wondering how long the pain will last. I sent my gf to get me some Preperation H.
TLDR- ate too much food, held in shit for >60 minutes, got hemmorhoid, now in pain.
monkeiboi: Dude...you had like three opportunties to back out.
You went to chipotle....fine...out of your control, but it was like 2:30 and no one had lunch.
1) you didn't have to order anything at all
2) you didn't have to get extra meat and rice
3)you could have sucked it up and taken a shit at work, rather than try to push it all the way home.
KRX61: But....its Chipolte. You NEED to load that burrito up and eat it like a man. Its a life rule.
monkeiboi: Incorrect sir. You are permitted by Rule 14776 clause A:12 to order chips and guacomole instead of a meal at any restaurant with the word "Chip" in their name.
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1395282366 | 1395349942 | t3_20vb8d | t5_2to41 | 179 | [deleted]: TIFU by playing Stick of Truth in front of my grandparents.
So here's the story. We are driving from Arizona to North Dakota. Obviously a long trip. So I got my computer up and start playing the new south park stick of truth game in the car. And for those who haven't played it, it ain't for children. But I have my earphones in and I'm having a good time. Here's when I fucked up. I forgot that if you open the wrong door you will run into lots of sex and nudity. So I'm sitting in front, and my grandma is behind me and can see everything going on. So I opened up a door and there was a naked girl running and screaming inside...of course my grandma sees it. Fuck. I had to turn the game off, and she proceeds to lecture me on how inappropriate and disrespectful the game is. She then asks me if I've ever looked at any "of that kind of stuff". Here I am in the car getting my ass chewed. She calls my mom!! She asked if she mew about the game! Now its on speaker and I'm getting yelled at by everybody... we haven't even got out of Arizona yet...its gonna be a long ride....
TL;DR grandma saw boobs on my computer. My day is hell.
allturdmind: id yell at grandma for being a dirty screen thief.
GreatestOfAllTime96: She needs to stop being such a Caleb.
Edit: roosterteeth references are too obscure apparently
EvilEthan: Fucking Caleb.
| 4 | 44.75 | |
1395285208 | 1395953579 | t3_20vfhm | t5_2to41 | 37 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to get to class on my very first dose of Effexor.
So i've been dealing with anxiety for about 8 or 9 years now. i'm 21, and i've only tried meds once and that was when i was 16. it left me feeling drowzy all day, every day so i cut it out. being in college, there's a lot of things that set me off, so i figured i'd pay my doc a visit to see what he can help with. he prescribed me some effexor, 75mg every day for a week, then 150mg after that.
I took my first pill last night around 1am and went to bed. I woke up at 7:30 for class; i felt slightly drowsy and i was yawning more than usual, but i figured that was normal. it's important to say when i'd yawn, i'd feel good, like there was a slight after effect. I was on my way to class, driving along fine (still yawning, mind you) when i reached the edge of town; the first set of traffic lights.
i was rolling to a stop behind two other cars as the light turned green. i edged forward and started to yawn when it hit me, i had this extremely euphoric, mind numbing high out of NOWHERE. the front part of my brain had this cooling sensation, as if somebody was showering my brain. it was like i was dreaming for a few seconds. as cool as this sounds, it really wasn't. in fact, it was the exact opposite, i started freaking the fuck out. my mind was racing to think what could be wrong, i was convinced i was having a fucking seizure. almost automatically, i put my blinker and pull onto the side of the road and throw the car in park.
my panic keeps building as i feel these sensations through my body i've never felt. is it a seizure? is my brain bleeding? am i dying? oh god i'm going to fucking die. i look across the road and see people in a parking lot. should i yell at them to call 911? i'm going to fucking die, i thought. the high starts to fade and i feel my heart beating through my chest. i gotta call my mom, she's a nurse, she might know what's happening. i get out of the car because i'm feeling claustrophobic because of my panic attack and call home. my mom picks up, "mom, i'm having a really bad reaction to my meds, i think i'm dying, what the fuck do i do." she tells me to calm down, it's probably just the meds. she asks me if i feel safe to drive home by myself. "yes" i tell her, now that the high is subsiding and i'm finally starting to calm the fuck down.
i manage to get home after stopping a couple of times cause the high started coming back. for the rest of the day, i had this lingering high. i felt somewhat relaxed. every so often, i'd get these spurts of wanting to yawn; but knowing happened when i yawned before, i refused to do it again. around 10 pm, i started getting a second wind. the stronger highs started coming back. and as of now, i've had this head high for about 30 minutes now. the sides of my head feel slightly tingly and im quite numb.
TL;DR almost blacked out in traffic on first dosage of Effexor, only on 75mg that was Extended Release. been high all day. never taking drugs again, will suffer with anxiety instead.
EDIT: it's been almost 24 hours since it first started working. I woke up after 3 hours of sleep, and the drug started peaking again. Disoriented as fuck, I wandered downstairs and told my mother I was tripping again. I felt insane, I thought I was losing my mind. Had another panic attack while my mom attempted to calm me down. now i'm exhausted and tired and the high is still lingering. NEVER. AGAIN.
bigblok403: F*ck Effexor. I took that stuff for a month and it took me another 2 to get off of it. Felt like my brain was in a fog and the brain zaps were the worse. I also decided I'd rather deal with the anxiety then take that. (I'm sure it works for some people, I have just heard a lot of negative things about it that I tend to agree with)
ghost_victim: I stopped Effexor and had the brain zaps something fierce.. terrifying really
Lavos_Spawn: Can you describe what a brain zap is please? I am very interested, in a curious, non-judgmental way.
ghost_victim: Not really.. like a bolt of electricity shooting through your body, seemingly originating in the brain. But doesn't feel like a shock.. very hard to describe for me.
Lavos_Spawn: What a crazy and fucked up drug.
| 6 | 6.166667 | |
1395293140 | 1396240763 | t3_20vq34 | t5_2to41 | 11 | chaosharmonic: TIFU by inviting the barkeep
Some background: A bar in my area hosts a game night every week, and I'd been going for the last year and a half. About 6 months ago, two things happened: my ex cheated on me, and the bar got rid of the usual bartender for that night (male) and started having one of their other bartenders (female) replace him. (Going forward, we'll call her Gwen.) Now I won't deny that she was cute, but after the 15 minutes it took me to find out that she had a boyfriend, I then treated her no differently from her predecessor (whom, admittedly, I was on pretty friendly terms with). After all, coming onto someone who's taken immediately after being cheated on would take a special sort of crazy. (Or stupid. Or both. But I digress.)
So a couple weeks ago I planned a night out with a fellow redditor to see the new Miyazaki movie, after neither of us could make it to a meetup planned for a different night. Since this particular redditor is one for organizing other Internet meets in area, and the game night had a few redditor regulars (as well as some other generally awesome humans), I invited about 10 or so people I know from the tavern, including Gwen. Only a couple were free and showed up, but fun times were had regardless.
Fast forward a week, and one of the bouncers pulls me aside, saying that a week prior I'd said something inappropriate to Gwen, then promptly making me leave. (Supposedly the guy organizing the event had said something the same night, but literally I have no recollection of even *seeing* the dude.) This was literally all that was said. After trying to sort this out on another night, I manage to find out that Gwen accused me of sexual harassment. In particular, by the time it was repeated back to me, an invite to a movie with friends somehow translated to an invite alone out to a cabin in the woods, and on top of all of this I'd apparently been trying to get with her for the past 6 months. Even after offering witnesses to the fact that this was both a movie and a group activity, the bar's management would hear none of it. The simple fact that an accusation had been made was all they needed to know. And since no one (aside from the alibi-verifying friends that the staff won't bother to ask) knows what happened with my ex, the one thing that could definitively prove that it was a misunderstanding is likely irrelevant.
Tl;dr: Got too friendly with a barkeep. One night my scotch on the rocks came with a knife in the back. Now I need to find a new bar.
Actually__No: How would the thing with your ex prove anything though?
chaosharmonic: Because it's maybe a step or two below if I were gay, in terms of why I wouldn't have been trying to come onto her in the first place.
Actually__No: I see what you're getting at, but... that's not true at all. Getting cheated on hardly disqualifies someone from hitting on chicks with boyfriends. Far from being gay and far from definitive proof.
chaosharmonic: [Mfw I noticed your username](http://imgur.com/r/Reactionjpegs/R3X0i)
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1395299007 | 1395398675 | t3_20vvrm | t5_2to41 | 271 | oftenlygetscatraped: TIFU by trying to get a new perspective.
Last night I was a bit bored and decided to take some pictures of my junk to see how it looked from another angle. at the time I thought it logical to use snapchat so I would not have to delete the pictures afterwards.
I was happy with the new perspective, finished my nights redditing and went to sleep.
the next afternoon I was informed of the penis on my story (snapchats version of a status, everyone can view it and they can view it as many times as they want). It had been sitting there for 12 hours. I have family, family friends and children on my snapchat. many of whom are quite active
luckily the picture was fairly flattering.
malarial_camel: That's a pretty stupid thing to do. How did you manage to do that by accident!?
oftenlygetscatraped: Touchscreen phones make it easy to swipe and make mistakes I guess. I don't really know how it happened.
13 people saw it apparently. 13. it was also the first time I ever sent dickpics to anyone
malarial_camel: I'm still amazed you didn't notice. Did anyone screenshot it?
neoman4426: There's no definitive way to say no. I'm not sure if stories says if there's a screenshot taken but it's fairly trivial to have all pictures/videos automatically save without alerting the other person
46xy: Im pretty stoned but I understood none of that.. been wracking my brain for a while now :/
Cougs67: Cool story bro
| 7 | 38.714286 | |
1395304406 | 1395427037 | t3_20vzx0 | t5_2to41 | 475 | stupidshamelessUSA: TIFU by trimming my pubic hairs [NSFW]
Yes, Reddit. Today is the day I joined all of the others that have drawn blood whilst trimming their pubic hair.
It started out as a usual trimming session. I got the scissors and began to slowly cut the hairs, careful not to cut myself. (No, I do not have an electric razor but it would be convenient if I did.) Everything was going well until I was almost done. That's when I fucked up. I was trimming the hairs on my outer right labia when the scissors slipped and I felt them cut my skin. These are new, very sharp scissors so it didn't hurt too much, but it did bleed a fair amount for how small the cut was. This happened about 8 hours ago and it's a little sore. I can't move too much because of the way the cut is (looks kind of like an upside- down V) it'll reopen and start bleeding again.
TL;DR: Always take your time and be sure to know where you're cutting.
EDIT: Removed original edit.
Maybe we should start a counter for pubic hair trimming- related injuries.
the_dude_imbibes: Wow. Get yourself a trimmer. FFS, I'll pay for one for you to avoid cringing if I have to read this kind of FU again.
Cannedbeans: I ah...I've cut myself too. I'll take that offer.
Dart93: And me!
kimchi11: Awesome! /u/the_dude_imbibes is buying us all trimmers!
the_dude_imbibes: Nope, offer was only good for OP. Sawwy
courtoftheair: Well fuck you too! What are we supposed to do now?
the_dude_imbibes: Keep bleeding?
courtoftheair: You're horrible to me :(
the_dude_imbibes: >Well fuck you too!
I'm not seriously supposed to feel bad right now, am I?
courtoftheair: Bully.
| 11 | 43.181818 | |
1395307470 | 1395346470 | t3_20w20v | t5_2to41 | 129 | kzamo123: TIFU by possibly showing my penis in church.
I was at church and I had to go to the bathroom. This being a big church and only 2 bathrooms, there's always a line to wait in. After I went in line and did the deed I walked back to my seat passing by all the kids. As I was halfway to my set a deacon stopped me and asked if I was so and so, I said no. As I got to my seat I checked and my fly was open and I could clearly see my....skin. All the children were at groin level.
phantomsignal: Asked if you were what?
dirtydayboy: The deacon thought OP was someone else.
"Are you John?"
"No, I'm Tim."
tripwyre83: "Are you kzamo122?"
kzamo123: Yes.
UnrealSuperhero: We know you are, buy what about dirtydayboy. Is he kzamo123?
| 6 | 21.5 | |
1395323389 | 1395370074 | t3_20whm9 | t5_2to41 | 82 | stupidfreshman: TIFU by headbutting a girl in the boob.
So I'm on my highschool water polo team and we start practice at 7 in the morning. Towards the end, one of my friends went under water and scared the crap out of me by grabbing my foot or something. I said to myself *alright I'll get him back* (like an idiot) and proceeded to go underwater. When I came back to the surface I didn't come up to fresh air, I whacked into this girl's boobs. To add insult to injury, this was the only girl on the team that I'd like to get to know better. I ended up apologizing profusely and she didn't seem too pissed off but I'm still pretty worried that I totally trashed any chance of getting to know her.
tomutwit: one time I was at a party and I reached behind me for a cupcake and I grabbed a boob instead
[deleted]: Isn't that the same thing? In some way? I mean both are tasty, both are awesome...
Ideajuice: They are shaped similarly too and often they have a cherry on the nipple. Cupcakes might have cherries on the nipple too.
| 4 | 20.5 | |
1395290894 | 1395327852 | t3_20vnhl | t5_2to41 | 51 | RubixBoob: TIFU by not flushing the toilet.
So, first day back at work for a month in Africa. I nipped to the toilet for a number 2 and, deep in a jet lag fuelled haze, when i finish i get up and begin washing my hands without flushing the toilet. After about 5 seconds, i realise my gross mistake, only to turn around and see the man i am about to be interviewed by walk into the now empty cubicle, mutter something and flush the toilet. Pretty sure he saw me walk out, and now he must think i am a nasty man. Oh well, there goes the new job.
Joebroni1414: There is a joke about drains, going down, and careers somewhere, let me see if I can find it.
wonderloss: I was thinking that would be a shitty reason to not get hired.
| 3 | 17 | |
1395330648 | 1395348749 | t3_20wt95 | t5_2to41 | 166 | [deleted]: TIFU by Ruining an Old Man's Life
So, i work in IT, and was trying to help configure a man's old phone. I made a mistake somewhere along the way, and deleted 6 years worth of contacts. I feel like absolute shit, this is years of this mans social and possible academic life just gone. It may be possible to recover the deleted data through other methods, I really hope it is.
johnofreddit: If they were that important he should have had them written down somewhere. Never rely on a computer/phone unless you have backups.
alone7225: Thanks Captain Hindsight!
johnofreddit: Having your phone erased shouldn't "ruin your life". That's absurd. The phone guy fucked up way more than OP did.
alone7225: No, I know. But your comment states what they should have done, and didn't (directly) offer helpful advice to avoid it in the future as much as it did criticize the failure to prevent the mistake.
kingtonyh: I think he was more concerned with trying to cheer up OP by letting him know its not entirely his fault.
| 6 | 27.666667 | |
1395342066 | 1395417726 | t3_20xdzx | t5_2to41 | 36 | smallthrowaway1: TIFU by watching True Detective
I torrented two episodes of True Detective a couple weeks ago and didn't think any more of it. But today we received a copyright infringement notice. This is the second one I've gotten. Normally this wouldn't be a big problem but my mom works from home and needs the internet for her career. And I've just learned that our provider has a three strikes you're banned policy. I don't know if they caught the other episode.
TIFU.
TheDemonClown: How about you quit being a dumb-ass and get PeerBlock? Or just stop torrenting.
wolfcry0: Peerblock does nothing, nada, it just makes you feel 'safe'
TheDemonClown: 'Splain?
wolfcry0: The problem is it's easy enough for those companies to get a new set of IPs and bypass the blocklist, PB may help once in awhile but for the most part it doesn't provide much safety
A VPN is far safer since they can't see who you are at all if you use one of those
TherealdevilLFbike: You do realise that the traffic goes from your house, through your ISP, to the VPN, to the destination, to the vpn, to the ISP, to the house.
A vpn does nothing for you when your ISP is doing deep packet inspection. Best you can do is find a private tracker that has a rule where everything has to be in a .rar (for exactly this reason)
wolfcry0: The VPN tunnel starts at your PC before your ISP, it's also encrypted making any kind of deep packet inspection useless since no one can see the data inside the tunnel
PC --- VPN client ~~~ ISP ~~~ VPN server --- Internet (- is normal traffic, ~ is encrypted traffic)
The only thing your ISP sees is traffic passing through a VPN connection, they know how much you use and when you use it, but they won't what it is that you are doing
TherealdevilLFbike: For some reason I had proxy in my head even though we where talking about VPN's, excuse my going full retard.
wolfcry0: It's all good :)
| 9 | 4 | |
1395340920 | 1395405993 | t3_20xbvd | t5_2to41 | 28 | rivermelodyidk: TIFU by cussing out my school counselor
So, I'm dealing with this college right now that's being a mofoing BITCH, and after sending in all of this paperwork TWICE because they didn't get it the first time, I get a letter today telling me that they still don't have it. Like what the fuck.
I'm understandably pissed. I go to send my boyfriend and best friend this email that was like mostly different variations upon "fuck those bastards"
My best friend's name is right next to my school counselors.
I accidentally clicked my school counselor's name and didn't realize until she emailed me back.
Today I fucked up BIG TIME.
ninjastar09: Lol what was the reply?
rivermelodyidk: She was like. Totally cool with it. She was just like "I know it's annoying and silly, but you can get through it! Let me know if you need anything" and I was like ._. ;-;
sephstorm: is there a physical school you can walk in or an address you can fedex the forms to or fax the forms and get confirmation while you are on the phone?
rivermelodyidk: I'm planning on calling on Monday and asking wtf they want me to do. If that doesn't work, I'll probably go to the physical school and talk to someone.
| 5 | 5.6 | |
1395338624 | 1395394050 | t3_20x7q6 | t5_2to41 | 52 | alzaabi93: TIFU by having shitty reception on my phone.
I was having a fight with my gf over the phone. I told her lets continue after my workout as i wasn't in the mood for it. She thens threatens that if i hang up, we're through. My phone decided that was the perfect time to lose reception. I tried calling her and messaging her as soon as i was able to. Shes not responding to anything.
ninjastar09: I think you need to drop her. If she's that immature it's not worth it.
alzaabi93: I honestly think i should.
asdeqw: Hey, your phone did it for you.
LONINFINITY: Good guy mobile.
| 5 | 10.4 | |
1395343248 | 1395372320 | t3_20xg33 | t5_2to41 | 449 | jonaskizl: TIFU by Assuming the Cashier was Incompitent
Long Story, but some life lessons involved:
I recently had items shipped to the Sears.
On Tuesday, I had 10 minutes to spare between commitments and stopped in.
When I arrived, nobody was at the register. Two women walked up and discussed who should help me. One of them tried to log in, but had to move over to another register.
After logging in, she asked me for my phone number to locate the order, which of course could not be found. I asked if she could search any other way and she said no, basically suggesting that she could do nothing.
I looked at her screen and saw that she could search by zipcode and initial, and pointed that out. She searched zip, but didn't enter the initial and it failed. I told her that she needed to enter my initial too and she did that, but it still didn't work.
I was irritated at this point as I assumed she was doing something wrong, but stayed polite. I looked around the store, then realized I wasn't actually at Sears, but JCPenney
So of course, I pretended that the problem was on their end and gracefully told her I would return with my receipt later.
Lessons to take away:
- Always be polite
- JCP is NOT Sears
*edit* grammar
MinusM: So uhh, you didn't apologize for wasting her time? I respect the commitment though.
SirDigbyChknCaesar: She was on shift and nobody was at the registers. I wouldn't say her time was wasted.
jonaskizl: Yeah she wasn't exactly busy.
juicylips336: This is hilarious. I'm glad you stuck to it haha
jonaskizl: Lol I saw an easy out and took it.
wyrwtb: It may have momentarily embarrassing to admit the mistake, but it would have generated better takeaway feelings for her and for you. You both could have had a laugh, and she would have appreciated your honesty. It's impressive when people can put their ego aside and admit fault; I observe that most people are not able to, though.
46xy: you are right, but in similar fashion your comment could be criticised for being overly condescending in its "holier-than-thou" tone.
wyrwtb: What words made it have a holier than thou tone? Was it the ending? The observation? But it's a simple statement of fact.
46xy: > I observe that most people are not able to, though.
well the reason one could criticise it would be due to this. as you correctly state it is simply fact. however in this context one could assume the "most" excludes yourself, and this, coupled with the extreme formality of your wording, is compatible with a condescending tone.
wyrwtb: I could see how you would come to that conclusion. I thought the formality lended itself to neutrality, but some folks could associate formal language with people in positions of authority.
I wasn't excluding myself, by the way. I am also a human, with an ego, so I have a similar tendency. But I do try to be aware of it and I think the more we get used to bruising the ego, and being okay with that, the better it makes for relationships with others. There's an added benefit, too: a lot of times something we think will embarrass us actually turns into a source of laughter and joy because the act of sharing it transforms it. This interests me greatly.
That's why I responded to op. Just because we make one choice today doesn't mean we can't choose a different approach the next time something similar happens. Each day we are born anew... Each moment, really. Or rather: Each day we have the opportunity to be born anew...
| 11 | 40.818182 | |
1395345720 | 1395508816 | t3_20xkh9 | t5_2to41 | 3,450 | abandcaIIedmetaIIica: TIFU by wiping my ass with hand sanitizer.
Reddit I fucked up. I was sitting in my office and I kept getting a faint smell of ass. It kept coming and going and it was bothering me. So I get up my chair and the smell multiplied by ten. My office was supper hot and my leather chair was making my ass sweat like a pig. WTF. So I grabbed some hand sanitizer and wiped my chair and then headed to the bathroom. I wiped my ass of all the sweat and went back to my office.
Around 10 the smell is back with a vengeance. I grab the hand sanitizer and lock myself in the bathroom and start cleaning my asshole with hand sanitizer and wiping with toilet paper. Did it til I almost ran out of sanitizer. Put the rest into a piece of folded toilet paper and put it between my butt cheeks. Finally the awful smell was gone and I went to my office.
I could feel a tingly burning sensation coming from my anus but it went away. I kept working and didn't pay attention to it as it didn't bother me. The office was still hot but I no longer smell the ass scent. It's around noon now and the smell is back faintly. No problem I just go the bathroom and repeat my little trick of hand sanitizer on toilet paper.
So its about 3:00 pm I've changed that shit about three times and now and I feel a little buzzed. My boss told me to go home because I look a little off today. Im sitting in my car right now typing this in a Wal-Mart parking lot. Im going to take a nap hopefully I'll get sober enough to drive home.
**TL;DR** **Drank 12 oz of hand sanitizer through my butthole and now am too dizzy to go home**
Edit: Made it home. I'm taking a shower and going to sleep. Bought a Gatorade on the way home and I feel a little better. WTF was I thinking.
Edit 2: Just so you guys don't get the wrong idea I'm a very clean person. I shower every morning before work. Today I was running late and I didn't. I have baby wipes at home to wipe my ass but I ran out so I just used regular toilet paper and headed out the door. I automatically assumed the odor was coming from me since I didn't follow my usual routine. I freaked out I wanted to make it go away in any way posible. I think I got some mild alcohol poisoning from doing something clearly stupid. I really want to blame the chair but who knows maybe it was really me.
**Final Edit**: The chair smells like ass. I took a good whiff and got out of there gagging with tears in my eyes. So I can picture it now. My assistant manager sits in my chair all day when I'm off playing boss. While I don't mind that I'm pretty sure there is someone wrong with his ass. He stank my chair over a period of 6 months. Now that the weather is getting hotter the stench is coming out. Im sitting in a metal foldaway and my new chair should get here in a couple of days. It was 62% Ethyl Alcohol in case you were curious. Thank you guys.
**TL;DR Blamed ass for stank im my office and got mild alcohol poisoning trying to cleaning it. It was a my leather chair infused with my assistant body odors and brought to life with the heat in the office**
ghost_victim: How does one's ass smell that bad.
WTF dude.
abandcaIIedmetaIIica: Fucking leather chair and hot ass office. They wont turn the AC on till it gets "warmer" outside. The fact that I ran out baby wipes yesterday and didn't take a shower this morning because I was running late also helped.
DaveThe_blank_: Im sorry for asking, but at point of life do you need baby wipes for your ass outside of infancy or elderly?
abandcaIIedmetaIIica: I'm 26 years old and I like my ass clean that's all. I don't think there's nothing wrong with using baby wipes instead after you use toilet paper.
jutct: It sounds like you need a bidet for home. They're like $30 on amazon. I'm not sure how your ass smells that bad. If you take a crap before you shower in the morning, and make sure to clean your butthole well, you shouldn't ever have a smell of ass just leaking out of your butt.
abandcaIIedmetaIIica: I didn't take a shower this morning :( I was running late.
jutct: Dude. ALWAYS take a shower. Please don't be that guy.
caseyls: I'd rather not get fired than take a shower any day. If you're running late you're running late.
jutct: I guess you work in a different field than me. I've never had a job where 10 minutes mattered.
caseyls: Well I'm only 17 and I'm a cashier but we have 7 minutes to get to work past when we're scheduled to be on, otherwise its an infraction. 3 infractions and we lose our job.
jutct: Oh ok. That's understandable.
| 12 | 287.5 | |
1395350010 | 1395433446 | t3_20xscm | t5_2to41 | 131 | kjc5008: TIFU by sending 20,000 emails at work
Accidentally BCC 297 people to an email i sent out 35 times. Figured out what I was doing and tried to recall the email 35 times. Well recalling an email sends an email to everyone saying I am trying to recall the email. So i sent 70 emails to 297 people. Only about 40 people have called to tell me i am sending emails. Staying at work late so the bosses don't find out my screw up by keeping my hand on the phone receiver.
porcia918: But no nudes/genitalia - you're good!
imhereforthevotes: He didn't say that!
porcia918: ----> 'TIFU by sending 20,000 emails with a pic of my penis at work'
would be a clear runner for FUOTW!
ThePlayfulPython: Which would only be better if the 20,000 emails were to 20,000 different people.
| 5 | 26.2 | |
1395351048 | 1395363619 | t3_20xu6y | t5_2to41 | 105 | the-butthole-shower: TIFU by not locking the door. [NSFW]
I was getting ready for a shower this morning. I started by pulling my pants down, and immediately heard the door open behind me, followed by my big brother saying "Oh!" and scurrying away.
We didn't say anything to each other this morning. It was really awkward. I'm sure he got a perfect look at my butthole, because I felt the breeze of the door in the hole, so it was definitely open. He probably saw my vag, too. Jesus. I keep cringing whenever it pops into my head.
TL; DR Gave a close-up view of tush and bush to my big brother.
Lotr29: We're going to need pictures to verify
Crazywombat8: For science.
Borluk: Does saying "for science" never get old or what
Crazywombat8: I hope not.
| 5 | 21 | |
1395354708 | 1395374835 | t3_20y0md | t5_2to41 | 16 | The_Red_Road: TIFU by confronting my brother
My brother and I have been at odds for a while now. He's been kicked out of college three times, and each time he's back home begging for forgiveness from mom and dad. He's usually arrogant and rude, but I loved him anyway, seeing as how he's my brother.
This time has been different His condescension and rudeness has reached a new level of awful. We've had several fights, but never too serious.
Today, that changed. He talked to me about the hurt going between us, and I told him that I don't like him being around the house anymore. It turned into an enormous screaming match, and now it looks like we're never going to be quite the same anymore. I stand by everything I said, but it's hard not to feel bad.
belatwk76: Sometimes the hardest thing for a person to face is reality. He has growing up to do, and that can only start when he faces the truth.
The_Red_Road: I know I should have probably approached the topic better, it's just been frustrating for both of us I imagine.
strongjz: I had this problem for the longest time with my brothers. I eventually learned that I can't change them or make them want better for themselves. We're civil but we don't talk about a lot of things. I'm the only one to have graduated high school and not currently live with my mother. All 3 are cabable of achieving just dont. So I learned to cope with the fact you can lead a horse to water but you cant make them drink. Now I coach them from time to time but it's pretty futile they just fall back into old habits. Good luck OP I know it's a hard journey.
| 4 | 4 | |
1395357324 | 1395398316 | t3_20y53c | t5_2to41 | 39 | shanticas: TIFU by bringing my snack to my friends house
Alright so today was a seemingly normal Thursday. Hanging out at Uni with a friend of mine and she mentions how I still have her Hunger Games book, so I decide meh I'll return it today since I'm not going to finish reading it anytime soon (TBH: Didn't enjoy the series, not my cup of tea).
Fast forward 30 minutes later, I arrive at her house with her book and my snack, a chocolate brownie (I was in the mood for a sweet). She saw my car pull up so she was already at the door with her dog waiting for me, and I go in say hello, give her the book and her dad asks me to help him with his PC. I decide, meh why the fuck not and put my brownie down on the table instead of eating it while working.
I go in, figure out the problem, and get to work scanning his computer and basically trying to do everything I know to fix it (he's been getting tons and tons of popups randomly and its been bothering him). I decide to take a small break since its scanning and go to find my brownie.
One problem, it isn't there.
I start thinking like, 'Hmm, maybe I left it in the kitchen?', when I see it. The wrapper that was holding the brownie was on the floor.
Instantly I panic. My heart dropped and I went to see if by some miracle of god it was still in the wrapper.
It wasn't.
There were crumbs everywhere, all over the couch and floor. I call over my friend and her dad and tell them that their dog ate my CHOCOLATE brownie. Now my friend overreacts, and this is something that I can relate to, I mean having a dog eat chocolate isn't a fun experience for everyone.
Instantly I grab the dog and go outside to try and see if maybe sticking my finger down his throat he'll barf while telling my friend to look up different ways to induce vomiting on a dog without having to go to a vet. She tells me its pointless and to put the leash on him and to go to the vet, I agree.
We get in her car and we're about halfway to the vet when her mom called telling her to turn around and the dog doesn't need to go to the vet, queue one of the most AWKWARD phone calls that I personally had to listen in on, since her car has the function to put the call on her car speakers. I kept quiet and tried my hardest to not pay attention to the call because hey, its slightly disrespectful.
We turn around, I tell her its alright that the dog is going to be fine. The dog isn't going to die, but deep down inside I'm shitting. I know I fucked up really bad.
She had started to fight with her parents, and I had left because I needed to pick up my little sister from school (the vet. **Original Typo**)
It's been about 5 and a half hours since I've heard from her, I tried calling her to find out if her dog is alright and I'm seriously contemplating on driving on over just to help.
Today was honestly one of the biggest fuck ups of my life.
lori1119: My 15lb Bichon Frise ate an entire 1lb box of Valentine's Day chocolates one year. He also ate an entire chocolate and peanut butter birthday cake that was that was meant for my husband. The little guy is fine. He ate bottle rockets once. We had to give him hydrogen peroxide to force him to throw those up, but he was fine. A brownie isn't going to kill the dog. Might upset his tummy, but he isn't going to die. You apologized. There were some emotions. Everyone will have a chance to calm down and all will be well.
shanticas: Holy hell your dog ate a lot of chocolate.
And yea, from when I got in contact again everything had settled down and their dog is doing fine running around being all playful.
That_Deaf_Guy: What about your sister, is she okay?
shanticas: OH MAN that was a typo! I meant to pick her up from school lmfao.
That is slightly embarrasing
That_Deaf_Guy: Hahaha I didn't know it was a typo, I thought she took your/her pet to the vet
| 6 | 6.5 |
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