start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1395357432 | 1395431823 | t3_20y59v | t5_2to41 | 48 | speedwithteeth: TIFU by drinking too much
Got invited to a dude's place to chill. It was a whole group of people I'd never met before, including the dude whose apartment I was at. Now, I'm not a drinker at all, but I figured I'd try to impress the guy by matching shots with him. Ended up having nine shots of brandy in a little under an hour. I puked all over his carpet. I also ended up puking about eight more times, but thankfully the rest made it into the toilet. On the bright side, he's probably the coolest dude I've ever met. I stumbled into the bathroom to finish puking into the toilet, and he cleaned it up before I got back. He then shared his weed with me and let me crash in his bed.
Anyway, fast-forward to 6 AM. I realize I need to be at work by 8:15, and it occurs to me that getting smashed on a Wednesday night was a terrible idea. I showed up to work hungover, and the manager sent me home early because I was completely useless. I have to go to work at my second job in an hour, and I still feel like shit.
TL;DR: Met cool guy. Puked on his carpet. Showed up to work hungover. About to do so again. Never drinking brandy again.
That_Deaf_Guy: You should probably get him something to show you're sorry.
speedwithteeth: I was gonna bake him cookies next time I came over.
That_Deaf_Guy: Weed cookies, right?
speedwithteeth: Of course.
| 5 | 9.6 | |
1395358853 | 1395419320 | t3_20y7q8 | t5_2to41 | 48 | TonySPhillips: TIFU by leaving kids behind
I help run a kids' theatre troupe. Usually there is another adult and myself running rehearsals. Today I called rehearsal early due to parent teacher conferences.
I let a few of the kids use my phone to call their parents to get rides home. One set of kids said they'd be alright. I offered a ride to a kid who normally doesn't have one, and took her home.
I was on my way back when the mother of the kids still at the school called me, asking where her kids were. I said they were still at school when I had gone to take the other girl home, and was on my way back to the school.
Her kids weren't there.
I should have stayed until the mother got there. Now the police are involved, and I feel like shit. I apologized profusely, and I took responsibility for my fuck-up, but I wish I could do more. I wish I could go back and think clearly, not leave those girls until their mother picked them up.
TL;DR: Should've listened to GWB, and left no child behind.
8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8
**UPDATE:**
Just got a call from the mother that the kids had been found and are safe at home. They were found about an hour after the last time I saw them. I guess I can sleep now.
fayryover: How old were they? I don't think you should feel too bad as it's the parent's job to pick them up on time, not yours to babysit until they decide to come. You could have had any number of important things that would have prevented you from staying with them.
edit: It definitely sucks about the kids and it would have been better if you stayed but I don't think you should blame yourself too much.
TonySPhillips: They are 9, 11, 12, and 13.
I called an early end to the rehearsal, so, yeah, I should've stayed with them until their mother came to pick them up.
fayryover: Wow that does suck, try not to beat yourself up too much about it though.
| 4 | 12 | |
1395363829 | 1395552362 | t3_20yfmr | t5_2to41 | 7 | Lycopenis: TIFU by realizing I sold my old computer that had back ups of all my virtual machines.
Yup, I didn't even know about this subreddit. I literally just googled "I fucked up" and this popped up if that shows you how fucking fuckin fucked I am right now.
I am towards the end of my semester and everything was going great, built a new computer. Transferred over all my old VM's to my new computer with 16 gigs of RAM so it was going great.
I have a small CentOS DHCP / NAT server and client side set up with time servers / BIND / Domain and a bunch of other shit.
I could re do it but I just started a new job last week and I am extremely busy. I am considering dropping this class but that really fucks up my schedule for graduating by the fall.
I am half on the verge of crying and half on the verge of punching a hole in my wall for being so stupid. I messeged my professor and told her what happened and what I should do, she basically told me I was fucked in a professional term.
SnakeDiver: One of the reasons I'll never sell a computer with my HD still in it, especially if you've ever stored anything sensitive on it.
A very popular method of identity theft.
Lycopenis: I used Dereks boot and nuke before selling
SnakeDiver: Keep in mind that data can sometimes be recovered. Even if you write 0s and 1s over the drive 100 times, all you're doing is making it incredibly difficult to recover the data.
You'd be surprised what some of these data recovery companies can do after they remove the platters from the drives.
From DBAN's own page:
> DBAN users should be aware of some product limitations, including:
>
> - No guarantee that data is removed
[This is how my company securely wipes hard drives](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UIRXh2oiqtA).
When I need to dispose of a drive, I can visit the facility and unload the drives. However, in most cases I keep the drives on a shelf behind me and use them when I need some storage (or in the event a drive dies on me).
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1395370593 | 1395470616 | t3_20yqir | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my girl friend I'm Gay
So back story, I have this inside joke with a lot of friends, in which we tend to say "I'm Gay" in various locations. Normally if you do it in public places its like more points.
So, I had my girl friend at my apartment today, and my friend from Kansas is heading to San Antonio to meet up with his fiance. So my friend from kansas too, is in my **I'M GAY** game too, so me and bae get him high, we didn't want to smoke because, we just didn't want to. So I tell him to fuck off and go to the living room while me and bae get groovy in my room. So after about 40 minutes of me just chatting and fooling around with my girl friend, I get up to see if my friend is doing ok. So I get up from my room and slightly ajar my door and see if my friend is doing fine. So I ask him,"Yo bro, you good man?" and he tells me "yeah, man can't you see I'm playing titan fall, i'm doing great bro!"
As I'm about to close the door I turn to my friend, and tell him in a normal tone **I'M GAY** and I don't realize it, it happened so mechanically that when I face to look at bae. She's in complete awe. It took quiet a convincing to let bae know that I wasn't gay.
**TL;DR:** Girlfriend hears me say I'm gay, Not gay.
KristyConfused: That's totally awesome that you dehumanize gay people like that. You must be a pillar of the community.
human169: nigga fuck your faggot ass talking shit bitch ass shit eating cocksucking faggot ass and fuck you nigga
KristyConfused: Do you kiss your mother with that nasty tongue?
human169: I whoop yo ass
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1395371522 | 1395423363 | t3_20yrwf | t5_2to41 | 29 | I_am_Tre: TIFU by fucking up typing
Thought I typed in reddit.com/r/TIFU. Typed reddit.com/r/YIFU instead. I need eye-bleach. For those thinking about checking it out. Don't. Seriously.
Thadine: I'm very curious, however I don't want to click the link.
What's there? Anyone who was brave enough to look want to explain? D:
poggle101: Its like the Golden Girls finally got laid.
snr0n: What are you talking about? The Golden Girls got laid all the time - the depiction of senior citizens as capable of vibrant sex lives was one of the many fantastically progressive things about that show.
poggle101: OK then its like you finally get to SEE one of the Golden Girls getting laid.
| 5 | 5.8 | |
1395411540 | 1395423199 | t3_20yovw | t5_2to41 | 21 | slipuke: What if OP is Latvian
poggle101: Potatoes don't grow on trees you know. Use teabags.
Bitch_Karma: treebags
| 3 | 7 | |
1395372298 | 1395986566 | t3_20yt0p | t5_2to41 | 89 | TheJackal8: Quick reminder: Your story doesn't have to have happened today.
The sub is called TIFU but that's just a name, the story you post can be from any time. You still have to start the title with "TIFU" but other than that, your post won't be removed for not being from today. We do encourage people to post stories from today but it's not a rule.
nystical: TOFU
griffinrulesdotcom: Today... owls fucked up?
unnusual_art: Totally once fucked up by.....
| 4 | 22.25 | |
1395382070 | 1395460596 | t3_20z4z2 | t5_2to41 | 9 | Eddie07: TIFU While asking a friend about her TIFU. Who actually TIFU'ed ?
After being fascinated by the TIFU subreddit, I asked a friend over text message what was one of her TIFU's. I tell her what it stands for but she doesn't understand. Then I spoon feed the meaning. After a moment without receiving or sending any texts she says "I f'ed up that one day I told you that I liked you and then the rest of the week was awkward".Well, after she told me that she fucked up.The days she told me about her feelings , she sent another text saying "I just fucked up right?" . I say "yes you did". So I think we both fucked up today because I should have not talked about TIFU and she reminded me of that weird feeling, but who cares, no big deal, it's just a little awkward situation.
Yes it was awkward because I only saw her as a friend and she thought I liked her, but no. I kept being her friend regardless because she was harassing me over text messages why I didn't talk to her in class and that she was now "an idiot and worthless". I didn't even have a week to let the awkwardness fade because what she told me. I didn't want her to feel bad so I tried to talk to her again. So, that's how we continued to be friends.
Oh I forgot to mention that now after a year we have a econ (H.S seniors) class together and we have a marriage project. The teacher made the girls ask the guys instead of the guys asking who they wanted to work/ (marry) with . Turns out she fights her position to be with me with another nerdy girl to be my mate for the marriage project. Oh God that situation where I had to choose sucked. I chose my friend because the other girl is even more awkward and I didn't want the old friend to feel rejected and shitty. I know she still likes me because she gave HUGE hints a couple of weeks ago and I'm here being MR.Nice Guy.
P.S: Any advice helps.
Eddie07: Moral of the story : avoid talking about things from reddit.
AccidentalRebel72: Reddit is one of the darkest corners of the Internet. I personally believe Satan designed the website. 1. It's hard to ignore the temptations. 2. It lures you in with innocent subreddit titles like "clopclop" only to realize it's My Little Pony porn. 3. TIFU's stories consisting mostly of Love, Loss, and Irregular Bowl Movements
Eddie07: Today I was on askreddit and someone asked about the deep web, I understood what it was and I'm never going on it, many warnings from many people, that's enough, I will not go on it. What scares the hell out of me I that back when I was like 13 I somehow had downloaded TOR but I had no idea what the hell it was and later uninstalled it.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1395406794 | 1395493995 | t3_20zpmo | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by attempting to install a custom ROM onto my uncle's phone.
Today, I fucked up by attempting to install [Cyanogenmod](http://www.reddit.com/r/cyanogenmod) and ended up bricking the phone? (I don't know if it was actually a hard brick).
No matter what I did and tried. The phone wont turn on. I tried HEAPS of methods that people have used to turn their HTC One S's on. However, no methods and worked and I was panicking.
My uncle was very kind and innocent and I was *very* frightened to returned his (bricked?) One S. I was thinking my future with him and it was going to be nasty. (Him thinking negative of me along with his wife)
I loved him (no homo intended) and his wife (no sexual feelings intended) because they were kind to me and let me grab anything that they don't need and I want.
I was starting to silently cry while searching for solutions on [Google](http://www.google.com/). I was losing hope at page 10 of Google search and started whining quietly (or else my family will hear me).
I panicked too much that I was basically smashing every button on the phone and I lost hope. I pushed the power + volume up & down buttons at the same time to push my anger towards the phone (Didn't want to break it).
I went pushing it really hard for 10 seconds and I felt a fight vibration on my hand. My head perked up fast and I started at the screen.
I was **SO HAPPY** that I teared up even more.
So now, the phone works fine although it's still on stock ROM but at least I unlocked the bootloader. ^^^^yay and I am not going to mess with any phone that I have not experienced with.
I have experienced with the Samsung Galaxy S4, S3 (i9305) and the S2 (i9100T & i9100).
.
To summarise it up, I bricked? my uncle's HTC One S, panicked, cried, pushed 3 specific buttons for 10 seconds and it turned on. Thanks for reading this! ^^^^.(you ^^^^probably ^^^^wont)
rikyy: Htc's are nothing like samsung. You have to unlock a shitton of stuff before installing a rom or even root it.
dummiexx: What shitton of stuff do you have to unlock to be able to root it? And what device?
rikyy: Afaik and from personal experience with an HD2, the nand storage may be locked (S-on or S-off) and the bootloader most of the time is loced. You have to go through several steps to allow the memories to be flashed unlike samsung where you just plug it in your PC in download mode and flash it.
dummiexx: ^^oh i see
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1395421612 | 1395525953 | t3_210cby | t5_2to41 | 11 | ThePlebScrib: TIFU By emailing my teacher an assignment with a rather inappropriate title
So we were told to make a slideshow type project in my careers class and it would be our big project. I (Generally I think all schoolwork is beneath me) laugh at its simplicity and put it off for 3 or so weeks until the night its due. Then I do it all in an hour. As I downloaded the pictures for the slides I placed them in a file titled "Gay fucking careers shit" which reflected my opinion of the course. Then I made the movie and such in the period of an hour. Finally, I had to email her the file. I did, the file itself was titled "careers movie". Alls well and good and now for the today I fucked up bit....
So I walk into class this morning and the teacher comes up to me and says she needs be to download the movie file for her. So I get up to do that, as it downloads she reads what the file name is and of course... The folder was listed too. She looked at me and said something along the lines of "The folder name is very inappropriate" and a few other things. I was currently forcing myself into my do not fucking laugh mindset. I then apologized and said that I just name them like that for fun. And then I laugh. Then I leave asap to go sit down at my desk.
All before 10 AM
PhilippeCoutinho: you sound like a douche to be fair
ThePlebScrib: I fail to see how my fuck-up makes me a douche. Care to elaborate a bit?
oddwaller: >I think schoolwork is beneath me *tips fedora*
xtroreddit: The amount of people on reddit who claim to effortlessly be smarter than the average person pisses me off. As a National Merit Scholar who can't remember my last free night, I''ll kindly ask OP to stop lying to himself. For it is he who is beneath the schoolwork.
ThePlebScrib: I never claimed to be effortlessly smarter. I just think that spending an entire semester trying to learn if I prefer visual learning over auditory is a waste of my time.
| 6 | 1.833333 | |
1395421447 | 1395471907 | t3_210c26 | t5_2to41 | 2,905 | adelaideanne: TIFU by touching my junk
Ok, so this isn't actually about me, but my boyfriend.
Last night he was helping me put a salsa together for a party we're having at work today when I asked him if we had any disposable gloves so I could chop a jalapeno. He laughed and said "you don't need gloves for that!" I explained to him that a few years back I had chopped up some jalapenos to go with my breakfast and then (after having washed my hands multiple times that day) masturbated before bed. Big mistake - my vag was ON FIRE. Again he laughs and says that I'm just really sensitive to capsaicin.
I told him "if that's the case then grab your dick right now," and he does. And he doesn't just grab it, he really shoves his hand down his pants and gets all up in there.
About a minute goes by and he still has a smile on his face and he says it's a bit warm and tingly, but he just thinks it's funny and continues chopping things. Another minute goes by and he says he needs to go take a shower.
He then spent the next half hour or so in agony. The pain eventually calmed down, but he still felt it for the rest of the night. Before we went to bed he said he would have to take my word for things more often.
I feel no pity.
saeravok: Next time tell him to hang his dick in a bowl of milk instead of showering
Brewfall: This is the most effective treatment behind coating it in palm oil and then caking it in flour.
s15slider: I can't tell if this is an actual remedy for spicy dick or if user is trying to bake my cock.
diggerB: yes
lopegbg: holy shit, when will this meme die?
imadeaname: yes
lopegbg: ☑ Yes
☐ This
☐ Came here to say this
☐ Logged in just to upvote this
☐ I know this will never be seen but...
☐ I found this gem...
☐ This will be downvoted to hell/buried but...
☐ An upvote for you, good sir
☐ You are a gentleman and a scholar
☐ You magnificent bastard
☐ Someone give this man reddit gold
☐ Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!
☐ Anne Frankly I did nazi that coming
☐ That escalated quickly
☐ To the top with you!
☐ Lost it at ____
☐ This is why we can't have nice things
☐ Faith in humanity restored
☐ Whoa / mind = blown
☐ Manly tears were shed
☐ Cutting onions
☐ I know that feel, bro
☐ Right in the feels
☐ Risky click
☐ Shots fired
☐ Nailed it
☐ You. I like you
☐ I regret that I only have one upvote to give
☐ Tree fiddy
☐ Was not disappointed
☐ Wait, why do I have you tagged as _______?
☐ What did I just read?
☐ Da fuq?
☐ YOU HAD ONE JOB
☐ I can't fap to this
☐ Cakeday
☐ What are you doing, stahp
☐ For science
☐ That's enough internet for me today
☐ Would not bang
☐ x/10 would (not) Y
☐ What is this I don't even?
☐ How is this WTF?
☐ Circlejerk must be leaking
☐ Lawyer up, delete facebook, hit the gym
☐ Said no one ever
☐ I have the weirdest boner right now
☐ /thread
☐ My first post
☐ Edit: wow I can't believe my top comment is about _______
☐ EDIT: Seriously front page? Thanks guys!
☐ EDIT: Obligatory front page edit!!!
☐ Are you me?
☐ Directions unclear - dick stuck in _______
☐ I laughed way harder than I should have
☐ It's almost like Reddit is thousands of different people with thousands of different opinions.
☐ Plot twist: _____
☐ Step one: be attractive. Step two: don't be unattractive.
☐ Broken Arms - Mom jerked him off
☐ ____ here: can confirm / can confirm: am ____/ etc
☐ Something involving sex with "your mom"
☐ Mom's spaghetti
Reddit stories:
☐ Cumbox
☐ Cumboxers
☐ Jolly Rancher
☐ Wednesday, the cat
☐ Doritos
☐ Colby
☐ Dagobah (Ass Injection Infection)
☐ Hambeast
☐ Shitfisting Potato
☐ Vagina Bacon
frank14752: The only one I don't remember ever reading was vaginal bacon
Cougs67: Some girl mestruated out what kind of looked like bacon. And then she cooked it. That's all you need to know
What was the Dagobah ass injection infection? I never saw that one
Excessive_Etcetra: Well you just ruined my day, thanks.
Cougs67: All in a day's work
goh13: **Reddit Museum of Filth** ^^^NSFW
* [Colby](http://www.reddit.com/user/concerneddad1965/submitted/)
* [Vagina Bacon](http://www.reddit.com/r/popping/comments/yoibk/this_may_not_be_the_appropriate_place_but_i/c5xta25)
* [Broken Arms](http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/nmmjr/iama_man_who_had_a_sexual_relationship_with_his/c3a9uqg?context=1)
* [Jolly Rancher](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/9wcte/reddit_whats_the_grossestnastiest_thing_thats/c0er6q4)
* [Cumbox](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/t0ynr/throwaway_time_whats_your_secret_that_could/c4ilkt2)
* [Cumboxers](http://www.reddit.com/r/WTF/comments/109awg/you_thought_the_shoebox_was_bad_my_cousins/)
* [Wednesday, the cat](http://www.reddit.com/r/confession/comments/16x4i8/i_have_an_alternative_relationship_with_my_cat/)
* [Doritos](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/q5ikr/reddit_what_is_the_weirdestmost_fucked_up_thing/c3uynfu)
* [Dagobah (Ass Injection Infection)](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/xo41d/doctorsnursesredditors_what_has_been_your_most/c5o66p2)
* [Hambeast](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/161z3e/whats_the_most_shocking_thing_youve_ever_caught/c7rzckk)
* [Shitfisting Potato](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1aluv6/reddit_what_are_some_high_school_stories_that_you/c8ys8rj)
* [Crusty Panties] (http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/zjnso/what_horribly_disturbing_things_do_you_do_with/c65atew?context=4)
* [Poop Scissors](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1v5zt2/if_a_crime_happened_at_your_home_what_would_be/cep3si7)
* [Fish Mitten](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1v40kl/what_is_your_bestworst_drunken_sexual_encounter/ceoq3ec)
* [Jungle Juice](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1r15p9/what_is_the_most_fucked_up_shit_youve_seen_at_a/cdikoux)
* [Most Disgusting Thing - AskReddit](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1vre14/what_is_the_most_disgusting_thing_youve_ever_done/)
* [Grossest Sexual Experience - AskReddit](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/9wcte/reddit_whats_the_grossestnastiest_thing_thats/)
From the user /u/Museum_of_Reddit. Read your heart out. Yes, the Dagobah story is listed.
GullibleGenius: I don't think I can eat anything anymore today .. or ever!
| 14 | 207.5 | |
1395426266 | 1395504448 | t3_210k4g | t5_2to41 | 22 | Donk_Pocket: TIFU by trying to fix my speakers
About an hour ago I tried to plug in my [awesome light up dancing water speakers](http://lghttp.5804.nexcesscdn.net/8047E9/magento/media/catalog/product/cache/1/image/1000x/403afce16db1dead1ca56485b7ef5a5c/b/l/black_speakers_2_1.jpg) but I realized that one of the USB ports in the speaker had broken off, so what else should I do but try to solder it back on while home alone! So I got my dad's soldering kit and plugged it in. After about 15 minutes it heated up and I looked through the kit for the stand that you rest the iron on, but I couldn't find it. So fine, I'll just hold the iron the whole time, this shouldn't take very long. I put the broken off USB port in its place, and started soldering it on. During the soldering process I managed to give myself a second degree burn on my left ring finger, burned some (a lot) of the plastic on the casing (which gave off some less than healthy fumes), and slightly melted the coating of one of the wires. I put the case back on the speaker and unplugged the soldering iron, and in doing so I accidentally touched the metal of the plug and gave myself a mild electric shock. After all that, I plugged the speakers into my computer and they didn't work.
Sorry for any mistakes in the post, I'm still a little frazzled from the shock.
Blaze17145: Where did you buy said speakers?
snr0n: I don't know where OP bought them, but they're [on sale](http://www.thinkgeek.com/product/f188/) on Thinkgeek right now.
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1395429659 | 1395462744 | t3_210pmd | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by having a car without knowing stuff.
This is more like a week ago that it happened, but I still feel awful about it and I'm still freaking out.
So, a little over a month ago I got this fantastic car. Sweet color, nice brakes, super nice sound system, fancy little switch to turn on a black light where you put your feet. You know, everything a young professional woman like me needs to have a successful career.
So anyway, this car is a stick. I'd driven a stick before, since I used to work at one of those "full service" car washes where people drive your car into the tunnel for you (I have *lots* of stories about that for another time). I ask the guy I'm buying from if it has anything wrong with it, and he says that it just needs a tune-up. Okay, that's doable eventually when I feel like getting around to it. I proceed to buy the car, suck at driving a stick for a while since it had been over a year and I never drove a stick in anything more than like first or second gear for the entirety of my experience at the carwash (it was a wash tunnel, not a highway, so you know...) and everything's peachy.
Except for one thing.
Sometimes, when I would shift into reverse, it wouldn't actually go into reverse, and then it would be hard to shift out of it. I would usually turn the car off and on again a few times and jiggle the handle and everything would be just fine.
Well, last week everything wasn't just fine.
I pull out a bunch of money to get a new apartment at the bank, and I'm super excited because I'm going to give this landlord money, start packing things and go to my friend's bridal shower. Overall a super fun adventure on all accounts. Well, I'm pulling out of the parking space at the bank when the car decides to sound like it's got the parking brake on while I'm pulling out. That's odd, since I didn't have it on, so I think "Oh. I'll put it in neutral, then back into reverse and it'll be cake."
I go to put it in neutral and it's not moving.
I turn off the car. I turn it back on again.
It's still not moving.
I try some more, to no effect.
I panic.
I turn on my car again, move the clutch around and desperately try to push the stick around to force it into neutral. It finally pushes out! But then it jiggles all over the place and gets stuck in the 5th position, all the while my car is still only going in reverse.
I put on my hazard lights, stop the car and pull out my phone, praying to whatever God smiles upon people with cars that there's an easy fix. Everything on the internet implied that there's something called transmission fluid and that, if it gets low, you'll have problems.
What the heck is transmission fluid? I literally had no idea that that was a thing.
So I call my brother, we get the car towed to a shop, and they say the'll have an estimate on it in a couple of days. I figured it would be a quick thing; they'd refill the transmission fluid, maybe realign my gear shift and send me on my way. $65. $150 at the most. I could handle all that.
A couple days go by and I get a call.
"leBMD? This is what's his face from That One Car Place You Dropped Off Your Baby At." He says a bunch of stuff about how there's a gear messed up, and the transmission is seized, and how basically the terrorists have won in regards to my car.
All in all, I'm going to have to pay between $900 and $1100 to get my car fixed, depending on if I also screwed over the clutch. That's close to an entire month of pay devoted to no food, rent or anything other than the car. I'm basically sitting here carless and hating myself because that means I'm going to have to ride my bike for something like an hour to get to work on time, and my shifts always start at 7, while figuring out how to move without my car in the picture.
**TL;DR - Apparently transmission fluid is a thing. Fuck me, right?**
DorkStar85: Are you familiar with the person at the shop? A lot of places will let you make montly payments instead of just dropping all the money at once.
[deleted]: I know the guy, but I don't think he does the monthly payment thing.
fuhtian: Depending on where you bank and your credit rating, you may be able to get a small personal loan that you can pay back in installments. If you can get a decent interest rate, it could be worth it, especially since it'd also build your credit further.
I did this when I was in my early 20s, after spinning down an icy hill and breaking my rear axle on the curb.
Good luck, and sorry this happened to you!
ProblemPie: Having recently taken out a loan, I can say myself that this is difficult. It depends on your bank, like you said, but *mine* doesn't do personal loans for less than fucking $3,500. They also won't give you one if you don't have a stellar credit score.
Seeking another solution, I went to the loan company next door to the pizza place I used to work at. Fairly low interest, good deal. Except that, despite living on my own for a solid year, I've accrued *fucking zero credit*. Turns out most of the companies I pay bills to can report my bad credit, but *aren't obligated to report my good credit*. This should be illegal.
Anywho, long story short, the best I could get for zero credit was $200.
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1395433678 | 1395435703 | t3_210w2s | t5_2to41 | 89 | The4aK3AzN: TIFU by getting a divorce
**This is not my personal fuck up, I suggested that the OP x-post to here but it's been 12 hours and this one... well it was made for this sub**
>My ex and I had broken up and she decided to get an apartment 30 minutes away from where our apartment was. It's probably for the best so we'd never run into each other in public.
My ex is a 1st grade teacher and found a school to work for on that side of town. My daughter went to school there too, just to make it easier on her mother. I'd drive there and pick up my daughter from school every single day during the week because I work at 5am and got off at 1:30pm. I became good friends with all of the stay at home moms and would talk with them everyday after school while our kids ran off their energy on the playground. On my days off, I'd drop her off and just hang out on that side of town and get to try new restaurants, find new comic book shops, etc.
On one particular day, I decided to try Wee Man's Chronic Tacos for lunch. Now, what they don't tell you about Wee Man's Chronic Tacos is that you need to be within 30 minutes of a toilet after you eat it. I was on my way to get my daughter and I felt like I had to fart really bad. I just casually looked around and let loose in the car.
It was at this moment that I knew I had made a terrible mistake. Yes, Reddit.... I sharted my pants 30 minutes from home, 10 minutes before I had to pick my daughter up from school. I had a simple decision to make: Go up there and get her anyway or make something up and come back later. I checked myself out and thankfully it didn't show through my jeans so I waited in my car until I heard the bell ring.
I went up there quickly and took my daughter aside: "Sweetheart, this is really embarassing. Daddy had an accident. You can't play with your friends today. We need to go." Like a trooper, she understands and we leave.
Now, I told you that story to tell you this story. I left out one major detail above. The routine was: I'd pick my kid up, she'd play with her friends, her mother would come out to the playground and see her for a little while and then leave. On this particular day, I broke the routine. On the ride home, my phone is going off like crazy. My phone was on silent and needless to say, I wouldn't have answered it anyway. I get home and I have 20 missed calls all with voicemails.
Fast forward to our custody hearing. I've got 2 lawyers, she doesn't have 1. Without getting into too many details, it generally isn't going very well for her. She's desperate, really really desperate to make me look like an unfit parent. Representing herself while I'm on the stand, asks about what happened on that particular day. The day I kept her daughter away from her.
Reddit, I looked at my lawyers who I also had to tell this story because I saw this coming. They smiled and gave me that, "Well, go on." look. I had to tell the story about how I shit my pants after eating Wee Man's Chronic Tacos to a judge, a bayliff and a court stenographer. Mid-way through this story, the judge goes from looking at me with this piercing glare to covering her mouth trying soooo hard not to burst out into laughter. Seeing how well received my story was, my ex had no further questions. The judge ended my getting off the stand with "Well!... Now that that's on public record." I froze. "THAT'S ON PUBLIC RECORD?!? Oh man."
And that ladies and gentleman is why I tell this story now. If you were to look up my court case, there is an official version of this story somewhere on public record.
[link to the original post](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/20xbia/divorce_lawyers_of_reddit_what_plot_twists_or/cg821lz)
MagwiseTheBrave: Reset the counter, guys.
"0" Days Since No Pants-Shitting
Mr_Evil_MSc: No, no; we need to just count *up*.
MagwiseTheBrave: We would be UNSTOPPABLE.
| 4 | 22.25 | |
1395440367 | 1395452504 | t3_2116pc | t5_2to41 | 102 | syruup: TIFU by laying down on the couch
I really shouldn't have lain down. I had some work I needed to get done but didn't wanna do and the Universe made me pay for it.
My dog likes to lounge across the top of the couch and look out the window. My toddler likes to sit in my lap. Everyone looked comfy so I leaned back against the arm rest. Can you see where this is going?
Dog was startled, backed up and sat on my face. I scrunched up my face in eww and
**I. kissed. his. butthole.**
He's a good 40lbs, not easy to move. Ended up bucking my son out of my lap onto the floor. He's screaming. I'm trying not to scream as I'm pushing the butthole away.
I finally get him off of me.. but wait! there's more! I bolt for the bathroom to scrub my lips off. TIAFU by forgetting to put a towel in front of the water bowl. Dog makes a mess when he drinks, I go down. He thinks I'm playing and runs after me, taking down my son who just stood back up and jumps all over me.
My lips were violated, my sock and pants were soaked and I had a toddler screaming his head off. All I saw was [that stupid dog-grin.](http://i.imgur.com/h6LWCj7)
feartheflame: >sock
you were only wearing one sock?
edit: formatting
syruup: Socks. I stepped in the water with one foot and slipped. Landed on my butt. One sock got out unscathed and that's more annoying because I had to change a perfectly fine sock.
feartheflame: That's always annoying. I don't like putting on socks I've already taken off so I try to do everything I need to before I know I have to take them off, showering for example.
| 4 | 25.5 | |
1395438240 | 1395452669 | t3_21139s | t5_2to41 | 11 | Sphigmomanometer: TIFU by standing up too quickly, passing out, and cutting my face open.
(This happened last night, but it was after midnight so technically today I guess.)
I was sitting on the couch playing [Wild Arms 3](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wild_Arms_3) and smoking some weed. I decided to get up and light a candle to counter the stank, and right as I pick up the candle my vision starts to tunnel. Next thing I know I am laying on the ground, candle and lighter by my side, trying to piece together what just happened ... and why does my face feel wet?
Oh shit...that's blood.
I cleaned up the cut, stopped the bleeding, and put a butterfly closure on it, hopefully I won't have a scar.
P.S. Any tips on how to avoid getting scars?
FaythDarkHeart: Wild arms 3 wwasa fantastic game. You should play star ocean if Yu haven't already.
Sphigmomanometer: Yea I love it. I haven't played Star Ocean, I'll check it out.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1395447863 | 1395470140 | t3_211hg2 | t5_2to41 | 35 | meepsiclemckitten: TIFU by trusting a fart
Today I join the TIFU club. Throwaway for obvious reasons. Before I start, let me give some relevant background. Also, I apologize for the long tale, scroll down for TL/DR.
I am visiting my girlfriend at my alma mater and staying with her in her dorm room. For the past few months I had been having constipation and so while I was there I decided to see my old doctor, and after taking an x-ray determined I was FOS (full of stool). He prescribed I take Gavilyte, the stuff given to patients to clear their bowels before a colonoscopy. It involves drinking a gallon of water, and about 1/3 of the way through, nothing was happening downstairs, and I became very nauseous and nearly vomited. Frustrated, I called it a night. The next day, still after not having any action, I called my doctor and he suggested I take magnesium citrate instead, which is a carbonated beverage much easier to get down. Before I had a chance to take it I had a few bouts of diarrhea but figured I should proceed anyways. So I took it last night and it produced a few episodes of diarrhea but nothing major. It got late and with my stomach feeling quiet I decided to call it a night. That brings us to today:
I woke up at 6:45AM to go to the gym, and immediately I feel some rumbling in my stomach. Because I have a phobia of going number 2 in the dorm bathrooms I decided I would just hold it in until I reached the gym. And so I head out to my car, only to discover the windshield is completely frosted over. No matter, I think to myself, I'll just hangout in here while the defroster works its magic. While I was waiting I feel the urge to fart, and decided that one fart wouldn't cause any harm. How wrong I was. As soon as I start to let it out I realize that it is not a fart, but actually diarrhea. I realize this and immediately clench like my life depended on it, and sigh a sense of a relief having avoided a catastrophe. And then the smell hit me and its growing stronger by the second. As it surrounds me, I panic and check my pants, and to my horror, discover I have indeed shit my white workout shorts. Panicked, I had no idea what to do. Immediately I clench tightly to try and prevent more leakage and stand up to avoid staining the rental car seat. That was the only easy decision to make. Because I am no longer a student, I had no way to get back into the dorms. I called my girlfriend about 20 times and left a frantic voicemail, but to no avail. She was asleep and nothing was going to wake her up. I was hesitant to wait outside the dorm and plead for another student to let me in, or walk anywhere because I was positive I smelled strongly of my accident and I had a visible stain on my pants. I still had the gym though, which I could thankfully access without an ID card. And so I drive over, twist my shorts so that the stain is slightly less conspicuously on my side, pray I don't run into anyone I know, and that my smell isn't as putrid as I expect it is. I bolt to the most isolated bathroom I can find and promptly destroy it with the rest of my laxative-induced nightmare. From there I clean up as best I can, and decide to ditch my boxers. I rinsed the stain out of my shorts, and from there it was just a matter of getting a security guard to let me back into my girlfriends dorm and pray that I had gotten rid of the smell. Once back inside I was able to clean up in the shower, and my gf and I had a nice laugh.
TL/DR: Trusted a fart after taking laxatives, reset the counter.
Joebroni1414: Wait ...so you took industrial strength laxatives...and trusted a fart??? That's like Russia telling Ukraine "All these soldiers here?""Just kidding we will be leaving tomorrow!"
meepsiclemckitten: Hence...TIFU
| 3 | 11.666667 | |
1395457937 | 1395466768 | t3_211v0v | t5_2to41 | 10 | gijoe383: TIFU by smoking too hard.
So a budy of mine and myself had my house to myself and since I've never smoked weed before, he thought it would be a great idea to get me high. He had his dab(?) rig with him so we were going to hit that. So it gets to be my turn and he picks me off this massive dab. It was about the size of the positive nub on a AA battery. I hit it and immediately started coughing and feeling nauseous. I coughed for about 5 minutes straight then had to sit down. Then without much warning I puked and my puppy happened to be standing right in front of me so I puked a little bit on her. My buddy was still there looking out for me and he handed me a trashcan then he cleaned up the puke. I ended up taking a cold shower and going to bed about 9 which happened to be right around when my parents were coming home so I faked being asleep and my buddy left. Turns out, after puking on my dog she mellowed out and acted really skiddish around everyone (surprise surprise) so that was pretty shitty. And I also had to lie to my parents because they frown upon the marijuanas.
omagablade: Normally people call it an oil rig, but dab rig works too. Sorry you got sick
gijoe383: Thanks for the correction. Ya it wasn't a fun night.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1395461480 | 1395466561 | t3_211z4g | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving my work VPN while I watched multiple videos of porn for the last 3 hours.
I pretty much watched all of the genres, im pretty sure im fucked.
Theonlymatt: 3 minutes?
helpprogram2: 3 hours.
yellowtag: If I were your boss, I wouldn;t even be mad. That's an impressive amount of stamina
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1395471748 | 1395472998 | t3_2128tk | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU by drinking an herbal remedy
Hi Reddit, I'm a 23/m living in the caribbean, this becomes relevant later on. So my father is second generation chinese and he believes in boiling [bitter melon](https://www.google.com/search?q=bitter+melon&safe=off&rlz=1C1SKPL_en-GBTT449&espv=210&es_sm=122&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=wjItU6aXM8_GqAG2-YH4BA&ved=0CAkQ_AUoAQ&biw=1364&bih=683#facrc=0%3Bbitter%20melon%20plant&imgrc=_) bushes and drinking the boiled water helps to promote a healthy metabolism, specifically, bowel movements. My dad goes two times a day like clockwork, 5:30 AM and 6:30 PM and he swears by this remedy as the reason for his amazing metabolism.
This is also one of the most disgusting tasting fruit and bush that has ever graced the face of this earth. He hands me a full [cup of it](http://www.culinate.com/hunk/46847) <--- inserted a picture of what it looks like, and gestures that I drink the whole cup, me, the trooper that I am, plug my nose and bottoms up the cup to my head, down the disgusting mixture goes into my stomach at around 5 pm. Cut to 1:30 AM, I go to the toilet for my usual after-midnight piss during my online-gaming session. As I'm standing there doing my number one, I feel an odd sensation and then... without warning, my underwear has about 2 ounces of liquid poo in it!!! I quickly turn to place my ass on the toilet, splattering liquid shit on the floor and wall and excise this demon of mother nature into the toilet bowl where it belongs.
**TL;DR - I shit myself while peeing**
poohspiglet: I knew it was going to end this way. Reset the counter....
The4aK3AzN: I have not shit myself in the past 6+ years of my conscious adult life, had to share this story. Fuck throwaways
poohspiglet: What about your unconscious adult life?
The4aK3AzN: Too drunk to give a detailed account :D
poohspiglet: I would have never guessed.
| 6 | 3.5 | |
1395480627 | 1396252340 | t3_212eei | t5_2to41 | 58 | ponchacito: Today I not only shit myself, but also peed myself.
So last night I ate Panda Express (really bad 'chinese' food) ...today I was at work, walking around when I realized I had to poop. Oh okay, I'm off in 30 minutes I can wait till then I thought. Five minutes later, no ponchacito, you're gonna poop right now. RIGHT NOW. So I try to find a bathroom. I look at the map of the building I'm in on the wall and it indicates no bathrooms on this floor, so I'm waiting for an elevator but it isn't coming but there is already a turd coming out so I run around the floor and alas! there is a unisex bathroom! But at this point the shit in my pants is flowing. Diarrhea down my legs. What am I wearing? KHAKIS. FUCKING KHAKIS. So I finish shitting, take off my pants, throw my underwear in the trashcan, wash my pants in the sink, and try to paper towel dry my pants as best as I can, because of course there is no airdryer in this bathroom. Ok, so I walk around and let my pants dry off a bit, text my roommate to bring me new pants...nope, she's not home. And so I'm stuck wearing these mostly washed khakis for another FIVE HOURS as I have more work to do after this shift. Come home, shower, put on jeans and go to a party. Where I drink a lot, just a lot of volume. So I go pee a lot. But then I leave this party, go to another party, come back to the first party andddddd pee myself. The person to let me in the apartment just couldn't show up fast enough. So I call my roommates to bring me pants, they take too long so my drunk self just ends up walking home...where they meet me halfway home with pants, so now I'm holding nice dry sweatpants while walking home in my soaking wet jeans. And now, after my second most shameful shower of the day, I am laying in bed in said dry sweatpants, feeling more humiliation than I ever thought possible.
ShiaTheBeouf: Holy shit, Amir.
Traffic_Light: Shia the freakin' beef!!
Shuda7: Shia the frickin' Bean, say it right or pay the price!
[deleted]: The proof is in the *SMIIIIIIIIILE*!!!! Dipshit.
| 5 | 11.6 | |
1395470075 | 1396052029 | t3_2127hm | t5_2to41 | 44 | Omgcorgitracks: TIFU by dumpster diving at gamestop.
About an hour ago me and my sister were out so I said "hey let's stop by GameStop" so I could see if they threw away electronics as they sometimes do, as I approached the garbage can I noticed it was locked and also I had no flashlight, so I used my phone, as I'm looking in I see a bag close to me and grab it, rip it open and pulled out a game case...opened it and nothing... this is where I fucked up, I saw a bag further away with what looked like a Xbox controller in it, as I reach over I drop my phone into the locked fucking garbage can, I panic and run to the car to tell my sis what had happened and got a look of "are you kidding me? " after some trys I couldn't get it out, long story short we went back to our house and got a small shovel drove all the back and tried to get it out, we got it on our first try and now I have my phone back thank God!
TL;DR went dumpster diving, dropped my phone in locked trash can, had to drive all the way hone to get a shovel to prop it out.
ManicMuffin: This is genius. Why have I never thought of that. Also carry a crowbar and lockpick set no matter where you go. It can get you out of a jam.
Omgcorgitracks: Know where I can get a lockpick set? After dropping my phone in the trash I contemplated grabbing a hack saw and cutting through it but that would be bad I rather open the lock then break it.
ManicMuffin: Just google it or go to your local locksmith, it's not illegal or anything so they aren't hard to find, you only need a basic set.
Maledicte: I went to a lock smith and the guy told me I needed a permit. Dude was a jackass, I've bought a set on Amazon with zero effort.
ManicMuffin: Yea I just bought mine off the internet as well.
| 6 | 7.333333 | |
1395486053 | 1395597912 | t3_212hl7 | t5_2to41 | 67 | Photoasscopy: TIFU by scanning my ass and sending it to workmates, boss and family
So we had an office party the other day to celebrate the companies 20 year anniversary and drunk me decided to photocopy my ass (because apparently that is common)
At work we have this system where you have to swipe your ID card in order to use the photocopier (so the manager can monitor what people are printing). An added bonus of this system is that it can automatically email scans to people from your email address.
So idiot me presses the scan button instead of the copy button, and keep pressing the green button on the machine (which conveniently selects the "ALL CONTACTS" option on the machine, then continues to scan and forward it to these people
At the time, I didn't know it was scanning so when nothing came out I thought something was up but just assumed it was broken or something.
Fast forward to (last) Monday morning when I come into the office and see 60 something unread emails in my inbox.
"Hmm" I think, this is odd
So I check them and have received countless emails from colleagues, my boss, and family members that were saved in my contacts.
Still not knowing what's happened, I check my 'sent items' box and open up this email sent to all contacts.
A scanned picture of my ass (and other genetalia).
Thankfully my boss understood however my colleagues and family look at me funny and/or don't talk to me. Can't wait to see what nickname I get.
Tl;dr Accidentally scanned ass and sent it to everyone in my contacts
Edit: yes, I am a man and I bet you could all guess the 'dangly bits' that also get caught up in the image. Don't really want to lose my job as it's quite high paying but nonetheless will update the resume.
As I am typing my boss called saying the CEO of the company also received this email (not surprised, he's also I'm my contacts as we frequently discuss things) and my boss had to explain to him what'd happened (boss was pretty pissed as it's a weekend and all, but anyway)
Hopefully he will understand too, otherwise I'm going to have to start looking for a new job :/
poohspiglet: How's your resume looking? Might want to make sure that's up to date.
I expect your nickname might be something in the past tense, like the "shit-canned, junk scanner". Some people might consider this sexual harassment, error or not.
This is one of the best TIFU's I've seen on here. But as good as it is, I still question the validity. Reddit has done that to my mind.
Photoasscopy: I'd send the picture, but for my (and your) sanity that would probably be unadvisable
That_Deaf_Guy: It's only smells.
| 4 | 16.75 | |
1395487804 | 1395606727 | t3_212ip4 | t5_2to41 | 90 | radishinyourshoe: TIFU by trying to multitask in the bathroom
Well yesterday morning i FU. I thought i'd try and save time by putting away toiletries whilst peeing (they go on a shelf in the window behind the toilet). Somehow I managed to knock everything over, including the pot with the toothbrushes in. I hear a splash and I immediately know I've knocked my boyfriends toothbrush into the toilet, in which I've just used. Anywho I put the toothbrush on the side (cleaned) to throw away before heading to work but it seems i'd forgotten. The toothbrush is back where it was, used...how the hell do I tell my SO he's used a toothbrush dipped in pee??
mwonderman: Take it your motherfucking grave.
jozaud: Yeah, and pray to GOD that they don't know your reddit account.
radishinyourshoe: He doesn't, but he's a redditor. Super paranoid right now
Pointwest418: *Cue the sound of hundreds of boyfriends throwing out their toothbrushes*
*Throws out own toothbrush*
| 5 | 18 | |
1395493851 | 1395498166 | t3_212n73 | t5_2to41 | 62 | PlopKitties: TIFU by brushing my teeth.
Some daily background. I've been feeling sort of sick all day. A queezy feeling I get from too much tomato based products. Anyway, I eat half a flatbread pizza from subway, and have a pie ala mode with three scoops of vanilla. Oh good god the sweet joy. I paid dearly for it, as per usual with touchy stomachs, but it was worth it. I get home, enjoy some quiet, and brush my teeth. Everything else possible is done and I'm so ready to cozy up in bed. It was going to be a perfect end to a stressful day. I brush my tongue and accidently trigger my gag reflex a little. Nothing big, so I clean everything up and spit one last time for good measure, you know, get everything out. I guess I hit my reflex harder than I thought because that spit turned to hard vomiting. Like through the nose tears down the face sort of hard.
I cried. I lost all that tasty food. So much pie and ice cream lost to vomit like that. But you know what? Besides smoothies and peanut butter, that pie was some of the best vomit I've had in my life.
truleerotten: >stomachs
How many do you have?
PlopKitties: 4, I'm a cow. Moooooo! In seriousness, I'm not sure what the sentence was doing. It's so late and I still have a throbbing headache.
Edit: so I did research to make sure I was right about the cow stomachs and kept getting different answers so you know what? I'm Klingon. They have multiple stomachs.
truleerotten: Feel better soon!
PlopKitties: Aww, thanks :3 I'm feeling loads better. I guess my body was waiting for an excuse to barf. I feel fine now except a little hungry.
truleerotten: Indulge! But skip the toothbrush, just this once. We won't tell the tooth fairy.
| 6 | 10.333333 | |
1395494564 | 1395700120 | t3_212nut | t5_2to41 | 40 | pfeper: TIFU by not bring extra pants when taking my toilet-training son to lunch.
So technically it was yesterday. I took my sons to lunch. My 2.5 year old son is toilet training and still accident prone. During lunch he said, "I peed." And it wasn't just a little bit.
I went to the diaper bag and found clean underwear, but no pants. I took off the soaking wet underwear and pants, put the new undies on and then wrapped is legs in my fleece vest.
Fortunately the chair he was in was hard, making the pee easy to clean and I had supplies with which to clean, but lesson learned: never leave the house with a toilet-training-tot without extra pants.
[deleted]: No offense but it's really rude to the restaurant owner (if it was a restaurant) to bring in a non-toilet trained child without a diaper on. They have to deal with the stench.
Backpocketantics: Kids aren't wild feral animals, they're people. Families like to go do things too bro.
[deleted]: It's not hard to make them wear a diaper?
Backpocketantics: Returning to diapers can lengthen and frustrate the potty training process for some.
[deleted]: Then don't take your child out when there's a potential for that to happen. You don't get the right to do as you please simply because you have a child.
Backpocketantics: I'm sure the parent wouldn't have done this knowing this accident would happen. That would be irresponsible. I'm just saying it isn't fair to not allow growing families access to places because their child has even a slim chance of an accident. The parent was responsible, cleaned the mess, so in my mind there is no harm done.
[deleted]: Apart from the people around eating their meals who have to smell the stench of urine.
Backpocketantics: It's like a five year old that bops his nose getting off his chair and gets a nosebleed. Nobody wants to see the blood while eating, but it's human and unintentional.
[deleted]: You can't train a child to avoid a nosebleed. Nor can you reasonably wear a preventative device on your head.
| 10 | 4 | |
1395513706 | 1395534284 | t3_212zeb | t5_2to41 | 138 | ArrrghZombies: How do you do this?
Raticide: Just follow the intuitive Metro interface prompts and I'm sure you'll find it.
Discrete_Number: > Just follow the intuitive Metro interface prompts and I'm s
"intuitive"
Aphoristic: [Indeed](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xECUrlnXCqk)
accountofgod: what a fucking idiot the guy above you is. complete and utter fucking twat.
Smaale: Woah, woah
accountofgod: he didn't get the joke. thats not so bad. but he didn't get the joke, and then made a fucking sarcastic comment about the comment which contained the joke. i can't fucking stand that kind of Dunning–Kruger-ing fucking bastard. i fucking hate peanuts.
accountofgod: edit: i'm only joking guys btw. and i know this isn't an edit. i'm not really angry at all.
depricatedzero: eat shit and die god
kamporter: Commas.
depricatedzero: LETS EAT GRANDMA!
(No commas needed in that, it's a command. "Eat shit and die" is not a list that would be comma separated, and god is the subject of the sentence.)
Saicotic: You need a comma after 'die' to make it clear that you're addressing 'god'.
depricatedzero: Fair enough.
| 13 | 10.615385 | |
1395508268 | 1395528363 | t3_213346 | t5_2to41 | 3 | Throwcrastinator: TIFU by flipping the bird
I was at a debate, talking about something when, for some reason, my middle finger sort of spasmed and stuck out. The chairperson lashed out at me, and despite my claims that it was an accident, well, you know what happened.
Omgili: What happened?
lostdeceiver: He lost the debate.
| 3 | 1 | |
1395533823 | 1395650788 | t3_21433h | t5_2to41 | 175 | vikingnurse: TIFU by not turning off sharing on my laptop the night before, sharing porn with an entire nursing school[NSFW?]
Allrighty, this actually happened some years ago, but anyway.
I was a senior nursing student, and having just bought a new laptop a few days earlier I had to share files (including a few pornos) via wifi at home since I didn´t have the proper cord or USB-key to move the files between the old and new laptop. (note to self: buy those cords and/or have an external at hand!)
Anyway, I went to uni for the usual lectures, having completely forgotten that I hadn´t turned off the sharing settings on my hard drive.
An hour or two into the day, during coffee break I hear all the junior students laughing their assess off (NB: 96% of 300 students or so are female) since "someone just bought a new computer which had loads and loads of porn on it!" as a student put it. Didn´t think much about it then, having as said before, forgotten the fact that my hard drive was still set on "share" and not password protected..
Lunch break:
A classmate of mine walks up to me laughing her ass off. I ask her what´s going on, and she tells me while laughing, that apparently this porn everyone was talking about was mine! Now everyone was talking about titles such as "her first lesbian anal 2", "A cockwork orange", "college sluts 7" and some quite lewd titles (thankfully I didn´t have anything too kinky on it, otherwise it would have been the end of my then broken reputation).
Worst thing was, that when they looked more closely at the files on the computer (they thought it was on the computer itself, but then someone found out this belonged to a shared folder) belonged to yours truly, with my name on the folder.
The rest of the year I had to try to keep a straight face, being called the guy with the lezzie/milf porn, and having quotes such as "hey, is the sequel to Lesbian anal 3 already in?" thrown at me from time to time. This event even played a role in the annual ball´s sketch video.
Even now, 4 years as an RN and even in admin positions, I still get teased about this event.
tl;dr: Put my hard drive on share, forgot to turn it off, shared porn with the whole nursing school.
Note to self: Always turn off share settings, never have your name on any folders...
EDIT: I´m a Murse, for the record (save your lezzie dreams for later)... (also minor grammar/spelling)
technolefty: Chord = musical construction.
Cord = rope, wire, data cable.
Mr_Timns: What if he wanted to musically transfer files though?
Ilikecookiessomuch: Would he need a major or minor chord to do that?
MelanisticPolarBear: C major. Don't want the chord to be flat or sharp!
| 5 | 35 | |
1395537034 | 1396036253 | t3_21477t | t5_2to41 | 64 | HoneyBearTaco: TIFU by hooking up with a drunk girl and waking up with gumballs
Early this morning / late last night a girl I know came over to mess around for a while and spend the night. We got into it, and eventually moved into the infamous 69 position. While we were going at it, the girl, who had been originally chewing gum at the beginning of her visit, apparently dropped the drum out of her mouth and onto on my thigh. Unbeknownst to me, the gum nestled itself between my gooch and left thigh, and greeted me with a lovely rip, tear, and pull of the hair when she woke me up to say goodbye around 6 a.m. I think I would be doing y'all an injustice if I failed to mention that, to really seal the TIFU, she delivered two hefty, gusty queefs right in my face while we were in that same position.
I can only fucking hope that she is not crazy enough to purposefully stick a piece of gum in my gooch and deliver a couple pussyfarts as some sort of fetish :/
TL;DR A drunk girl gave me head and dropped her gum into my gooch without me knowing it, and queefed in my face twice.
Edit: I have a picture of the gum remains if I must provide
Edit 2: Grammar
Edit 3: [As requested...](http://i.imgur.com/j44tWgt.jpg)
youguysgonnamakeout: Man did you have to mention the queefs? That shit grosses me out and I'm terrified of that happening to me
billiardwolf: Don't worry 10 years from now when you're 20 it won't gross you out so much.
youguysgonnamakeout: I'm 22 and being queefed on my face will always gross me out, does that... *arouse* you?
nowonmai: Why would you find something like that gross?
youguysgonnamakeout: Getting queefed in my face?
nowonmai: Yeah, I mean its not like it's a fart or anything.
youguysgonnamakeout: Is that how we measure grossness now? The fart or non-fat metric?
nowonmai: Well since we were talking about gaseous expulsions I thought to make a relevant comparison.
| 9 | 7.111111 | |
1395550753 | 1395631012 | t3_214nzr | t5_2to41 | 1,272 | nolabella77: TIFU by opening my fiancé's certified letter from the IRS.
Nagaempress: I think that was HIS fuck up. Not that he had the kid. But that he never told you before getting as far as you have.
[deleted]: She is a fiance not a girlfriend. I have no issue with her opening that mail.
evildonald: ESPECIALLY if they joint filed!
She didn't FU
cygnus193: Can you joint file if you're not married?
Rhianonin: Yup me and my fiance do
nothumbs78: I don't think you can do that unless he's your dependent (or vice versa).
Rhianonin: No in the state of texas we are considerd common law married because we have lived together for over 6 months.
nothumbs78: So...you are married.
Rhianonin: We dont have a marriage liscence but the state says we are married cause we live together
| 10 | 127.2 | |
1395548759 | 1395645363 | t3_214lsb | t5_2to41 | 39 | SoylentGreenMuffins: TIFU by forgetting I had an online class
I'm currently enrolled in an online class that is one of a few classes that determine if I get into the career field I want to pursue. Unfortunately for me, I tend to forget things. After the first few units, I completely forgot that I was enrolled. Today, I logged into the student web portal to check on my in-school classes, and I notice the link to the online class. I quickly click it to see what I missed, and it turns out I completely skipped an entire unit. Now, the best grade I can hope for is a C, and I don't know if I'll be able to retake the class.
MagnusMcLongcock: Drop it.
TehWildMan_: At this point in many schools, the last days to drop with a W may be gone.
scrndude: A lot of schools let you drop a number of classes after the drop date. Like 3 for your entire time you're at the school.
| 4 | 9.75 | |
1395553022 | 1395598854 | t3_214q7b | t5_2to41 | 94 | RandomFreakout: TIFU by not deleting my porn and my video of me and my gf masturbating
So a few months ago I gave my laptop to my cousin because it was broken and my mother insisted that my cousin should fix it so we can save money. It had this problem where the screen is just black.
Today my aunt came by to bring back my laptop. I tried it out and I realized over 400gb of my files were gone and my only remaining files were in a single folder. I opened the folder and bam the videos of me and my gf masturbating and talking dirty to each other were out in plain sight. Pretty sure my cousin saw them. I felt my balls shrivel from the embarrassment. FML
Just to be clear, my cousin is a girl.
Traffic_Light: Those type of videos are never worth keeping. Just be glad it was your cousin and not some asshole who would spread it online.
cvaninvan: FYI - Cousins can be assholes, too.
*SOURCE* - I'm a cousin and an asshole...
| 3 | 31.333333 | |
1395548218 | 1395690935 | t3_214l65 | t5_2to41 | 19 | Corryvrecken: TIFU by trying to double click my heels
So last night was my birthday. I'm Phoenix for work and everyone kept saying that Mill Ave was the place to be. So a group of colleagues took me out. Didn't buy a single drink. Got hammered. All in all a great night. So as we were walking back to the car my friend said that I couldn't jump up and click my heels twice. Well I know I can, sober, so I tried. Being inebriated I couldn't do it. So then we come across some stairs. 3 to be exact. Well shit, I got the double click off these muthafuckas. I run, I jump, doubleclick bitches!! I land and....I crumple. Can't put weight on my knees and my friends ended up carrying me to the car. One hospital trip and 4 hours later, I have a fractured fibia and might have torn my ACL. And I start my new job, which requires walking, a lot, in 2 weeks, fucking great.
foamster: I sort of assumed you were a woman talking about clicking her stiletto heels together.
This is much more embarrassing.
Corryvrecken: I want video confirmation that the double click isn't a problem for you!! YOU DON'T KNOW MY LIFE!! In all seriousness though, **do not** try it. It's a deadly move reserved for only the elite.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1395555219 | 1395609777 | t3_214s53 | t5_2to41 | 457 | handcuffedhousewife: TIFU by flashing the FedEx driver.
I took advantage of the early spring weather on Friday. Temps were nearly 70, and after this shit winter, it felt like a mid-summer day. Kids weren't home, husband was at work, I had nothing but free time. I decided it would be a perfect time to work on an early tan. Because we live in the middle of nowhere, I often lay out in just a thong to keep the tan lines to a minimum.
Fast forward to late afternoon. I'm laying on my stomach, butts soaking up the rays, I'm about half asleep. Thought nothing of the truck pulling in the driveway. Our drive has a pull-in area that runs around the pole barn that my husband often uses when he's pulling the trailer, so when I heard the truck stop, I just figured he was parking the trailer. It never crossed my mind to double check that it was indeed my husband.
And then it hits me. That sound of throat clearing sounds nothing like my husband. "Ma'am?" I'm so startled I sit straight up and turn to face the source of the sound. Yeah that's definitely not my husband, and I'm definitely showing him my boobs. He was turned away at this point, so I throw on a shirt and pants as fast as my shaking hands will allow.
I walk up, sign for the package I didn't know I should be expecting, and do the walk of shame back to the house.
If you happen to be reading this Mr. FedEx driver and you were offended or embarrassed as I was, I'm sorry.
Tl;dr- FedEx guy saw ass and titties.
SirSilentBob: I'm sure you made his day. At the very least you probably made his pants package get a little bigger...
handcuffedhousewife: I sure hope so. That would be totally worth the embarrassment.
[deleted]: so how about heading over to /r/gonewild. you know. for science.
LordofthePit666: Every comment like this I see always makes me laugh, do people think that they actually will? Just head over and make a major decision that could impact your life because a guy on the internet said to?
[deleted]: Lots of people do. And its sort of a tongue in cheek reddit joke, not an *actual* request.
holy fuck balls some of you people have literally not a single funny bone in your miserable body.
I mean her name is "handcuffedhousewife" so for all you know she's got 16 albums over on /r/MilfsAndHousewives or even /r/bdsm
a major decision?
dude they're pictures of buttholes. everyone has one.
handcuffedhousewife: If it matters, I think it's funny. Tongue in cheek or not. I'm sure some people are far more confident and have no problems posting. I just have a terrible fear of people sitting behind their computer with a big checklist, grading me on what I look like naked.
[deleted]: glad you have a good sense of humor!
sight unseen, science predicts a 9/10 with a margin of error +- 2.7 with a small statistical sample size.
handcuffedhousewife: That's awfully kind grading sir.
itsme10082005: Probably creepy, but I saw the image you posted asking if the outfit is trendy or something like that.
If that's you modeling it, I'd go as far as to give you a 9/10 with a smaller margin for error. Probably like a 1.5-1.75. If that is you wearing it, you look like you have a killer body and an awesome tan!
handcuffedhousewife: That's me. But clothes hide a lot. And that tan is only on my face and arms :( Still being awfully kind with that grading scale.
itsme10082005: We can play this game all day though. You're not the first woman I've met who can't see how beautiful she really is. Trust me, I don't have to be generous to give you an amazing score. :-D
| 12 | 38.083333 | |
1395548382 | 1395591171 | t3_214lcz | t5_2to41 | 103 | buttpluginmybathroom: TIFU by accidentally showing a 7yr old boy porn on TV.
I'm babysitting my friends kid tonight, and before they left, they said we could watch some TV and explained that there was a movies area with stuff they've PVR'ed. Later on and thinking nothing of it, I am sitting with the kid on the couch (who is still very much traumatized by even kissing... Let alone this all) and I accidentally hit "okay" on Barcelona Babe. Boobs instantly flash across the screen and it cuts to two men sitting on a couch with a maid wiping down a table, and man numero uno lifts the maids skirt. As this is happening, the kid is screaming and hiding under a pillow while I am FRANTICALLY trying to change the channel, but since it seems to have been a PVR, I couldn't. I finally just turn the damn thing off and try to recover. He instantly starts asking me why that man lifted the ladies skirt (FML) and I just told him that I didn't know, but it was inappropriate and an accident that we stumbled across it. We find Journey To The Centre Of The Earth after some searching... But I wouldn't let him touch the remote after that, just in case we stumbled across it again (which we did... I just slid right passed it, hoping he didn't get the chance to read it)
Now he's asleep (probably having nightmares) and I'm up feeling sick waiting for them to get home so I can tell them. Lucky me. Don't know how that will go. I am supposed to be attending their wedding in two weeks.
Dagegen: Why are americans so afraid of sex?
drummel1: Americans don't like mixing sex with children, which I believe was the main issue here.
Dagegen: Then why are the terms 'teen' and 'daughter' among the most popular tags on porn websites?
Denzien2: yeah but "teen" classifies those 18+ who are actually classified as adults.
| 5 | 20.6 | |
1395562286 | 1395642749 | t3_214xjf | t5_2to41 | 14 | derpfacemcg33: TIFU by sleeping in on my mom's birthday
so for the past couple of years, i've had a really bad habit of sleeping through a lot of important things that are in the morning.. and i thought i had beat it but apparently not. my parents and i have had a great relationship for the past couple of months after i struggled hardcore with depression, and i fuckin blew it. i made plans to go decorate some things at my parents house for my mom's birthday at 1:15 pm… and i woke up from a call from my mom at 1:45…. i had a mega panic attack and said loads of shit i didnt mean. i have no idea how to make it up to her either :( :(
MykalGroll: Just deep breaths, relax. Try to sit and not even think about it and only focus on your breaths. You have to stop thinking about it. When, and **only** when you're calm as a cucumber, you gotta go to her and talk to her. Do your very best to keep the conversation at speaking tones, talk with her, not at her. Just make a genuine connection, show her that you're sorry and you didn't mean what you said, and go from there.
derpfacemcg33: i kind of made the mistake of exploding and not being able to get much out because i was hyperventilating, but thank you so much for your advice :)
devals: My advice is to avoid using words like "depression" and "panic attack", as parents hate to hear these things (especially once their children are grown), and often interpret them as self-indulgent excuses, and nothing more. If your psych issues are valid, see a therapist, but take full responsibility for them as your own problems that *you* want to work through. Don't let them serve as your go-to justification for disappointing others or yourself, as they are only components that led to poor behavior, they are not the behavior itself.
You must manage your own behavior first and foremost, regardless of precipitating factors (or better yet, taking them into account and working around them). Keep that in mind when talking to your parents about this, and apologize for the behavior only. Don't even talk about what you led you to it, as that is yours to work out.
derpfacemcg33: THANK YOU
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1395571635 | 1395573378 | t3_2152wy | t5_2to41 | 7 | threeinchesofpain: By essentially sucking off another male.
rhonx2: you didn't answer the question though... how did it taste?
threeinchesofpain: To be completely honest, whilst I was hooking up with her, I thought she had just recently brushed her teeth, although the toothpaste just tasted strange. Immediately afterwards I came to the conclusion that what I was tasting was in fact another man's genital fluids. Fuck my life. :')
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1395571419 | 1395618040 | t3_2152t1 | t5_2to41 | 9 | Spicypickels: tifu by not doing anything
Tonight stared off with me and my buddies and some random people drinking in a dorm and having fun pregaming. We went out to a party and everyone was dancing and drinking and it was pretty great had a blast. When we got back we were all chillin again, and these two girls , easily 9/10 were in the room hanging out (they prefaced with us). All the chairs were taken and the hitter of the two, cooler of the two, overall better etc.etc. sat on my lap and I didn't do anything. Nothing. Then she wrapped her feet around my legs to stay steady and she was bouncing on my lap and dancing and grinding to some song and I just sat there. I feel like a yard because she is so way out of my league and amazingly hit and cool as fuck too, a real fun person to be around. I m punching myself rn.
d00d_pagebau5: Man. You fucked up *pretty* bad.
Spicypickels: Dude if I could upload a pic from mobile you'd see just how bad . We were both drunk and I can garuntee something could have happened. I'm like 6'1 240 lbs and she's just tiny and stupidly attractive. Honestly so close to my perfect girl.... Fuuuuuuck
d00d_pagebau5: Well bro, that sucks.
But what have we learned from this?
*never behave stupidly like this again*
Spicypickels: I've learned to grab cute girls bouncing on my lap :)
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1395574969 | 1395582636 | t3_2154w8 | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by saying something creepy to a girl.
So I'm talking to this really cool girl who I enjoy talking to. I ask her what her plans for the day were and she told me and lastly she asked what I was going to do, I told her what I was going to do but I decided to throw in a joke on the last line on the list. The joke was AND IM GOING TO WAIT FOR YOU TO GET ON CHAT. She responded with a simple "yup", and like a dumb-ass I added "yup and i'll be starin at my computer screen waitin for you HEH HEH HEH HEH." then with no comment on the joke she tells me she needs to sleep and she will see me later and signed off.
Maybe I'm over thinking this and she's just really sleepy, or she was really creeped out. *Sigh* Advice?
frazzguy: Buy yourself some ice cream and walk it off. Be sure to contemplate what drove you to add that last sentence.
michael_cera_mode_on: Is it salvageable? We've been talking for a while.
frazzguy: I'd bet. Don't bring it up though and don't make creepy statements like that again.
michael_cera_mode_on: Lesson learned forever.
Thanks, man.
frazzguy: No problem, man. We all made these mistakes at some point.
| 6 | 1.5 | |
1395579415 | 1395583434 | t3_2158ba | t5_2to41 | 22 | Torchbug: TIFU by sounding like a rapist
I was walking home from work at 12:10am. It was pitch black, and I was unfortunate enough to catch a woman walking home in front of me too. It was dead quiet and about a minute later she exclaims out of nervousness, "bloody hell, that's a fast walk". I am tall so naturally I have a long, fast stride. I had no idea what to say to this, so I just laughed quietly. She bolts her head around to look at me, then does a quick diversion over to a party just off the street.
EDIT: Timing
frazzguy: I think you mean 12:10 am.
Torchbug: Ah thanks. Edited.
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1395588361 | 1395590798 | t3_215hhw | t5_2to41 | 2 | KristyConfused: TIFU shaving NOT in the shower
So today I decided I'd give my Lady Remington a full-body trial. I skipped the genital region, but I got everywhere else.
Face: As good as a blade, which is to say, not as good as I'd like but nothing I can do about that. Plus side: no cuts, which I can't say for the razor.
Arms, legs, chest, belly, hands, feet: Acceptable. My arms and legs aren't particularly hairy, so I got a preliminary shave before my shower and touched up after, when I could see the hairs better. Hands and feet are even less hairy, but still hairier than a cis woman's.
Armpits: And here's the fuck-up. I knew that my pits are the single most sensitive region of my skin, and I knew that they were irritated for days after the last time I tried to shave them with the Lady Remington. Well, they seemed fine at first. Then in the shower, the soap hit them and OW. So I put some shaving cream on them (it has moisturizer in it) to see if that would help and OW. So I just rinsed them off, because whatever. I finished up, got out, and dried off.
Then I put deodorant on and OW THE FIRES OF HADES HAVE TAKEN RESIDENCE BENEATH MY ARMS so I bore the pain for a moment, hoping it would go away. Nope. Bracing for more pain, I use the towel to wipe off the deodorant. Then I grabbed a DIFFERENT deodorant (a spray type, without an antiperspirant) and sprayed it across my chest and then sprayed it into one of my armpits. Cue hellfire again, wipe that shit off, you know the drill.
So, once the irritation subsides in a few days, I'll switch back to a blade for my pits. But the Lady Remington works well everywhere else, so that's a plus.
TL;DR: used lighter fluid and a lighter to shave my genitals. Or not. Maybe you should read the long version instead.
Peanut_The_Great: So you knowingly irritated sensitive skin, then applied various chemicals to sensitive irritated skin, and then you where surprised by the resulting pain even after the third time?
KristyConfused: Yes. That's why it's a fuck-up.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1395594832 | 1395608639 | t3_215qeh | t5_2to41 | 9 | trappedlikeafingrat: TIFU by falling into a trap
So I live in Canada and that's kind of important. Anyway, I was at school today walking with my friends. We went down three hallways and two staircases on our way to class, then I had to go to the bathroom while everyone else went to class.
I came down the flights of stairs and saw to my horror , the American kid was slapping around his girlfriend. I have nothing against Americans, but this guy is a total a hole!! He was just pinning her down and slapping her face with no mercy. She's crying. He's just laughing and making rude comments about "dat ass." He was mad at her for making a fool of him in class. This guy is like a Slinky: Not good for much, but it would make you smile to push him down the stairs.
I grabbed the back of his head and began to shake violently. "You wanna fight me, you woman-beating animal?" I growled. "There's no room in society for maggots like you." He shrieked when he saw me. He knew he was fighting a man now, and it scared the little baby.
I wrestled him to the ground. He ran up the stairs, but I chased him. We were fighting up the stairs. Little did I know, he was leading me into a trap. I chased him into another hallway, where me met with............... the principal. Douche guy led me right to his office. We both got suspended.
TL;DR Tried to fight a bully but he led me right into a trap. I regret nothing.
EDIT: I asked out his girlfriend and succeeded!
EDIT 2: I have gotten 28 phone numbers from ladies at school since this story was passed around the students. Awww yus.
[deleted]: The "I growled" and "you woman-beating animal?" and then the edit makes this whole thing sound like bullshit to me. Iunno, something just feels missing.
fangsby: Not to mention he started a new account just to tell this story.
| 3 | 3 | |
1395562212 | 1395753447 | t3_214xho | t5_2to41 | 35 | Throwatampon: TIFU and exposed my used tampon to a customer.
So TIFU and showed a customer my used tampon. First of all it was wrapped in toilet paper and I'm not 100% sure if they saw any blood. Sorry for the wall of text.
So I was at work today and I have my period. I took my lunch break and went to the toilet to change tampons. With my used tampon, I wrap/roll it in a lot of toilet paper then throw it in the bins out back (we don't have sanitary bins in the toilet). So I put the tampon in my pocket ready to take to the bin.
I went back into the office, about to have my lunch (first, then duck out the back to the bin) when a customer, and I assume their son, came to the front counter to be served.
So up I get to go serve when my nose feels a little runny. I'm behind the counter now and I've scanned their items through. As I'm waiting for the lady to get her cash I feel like it's a good time to quickly wipe my nose. I reach into my pocket to grab the tissue which usually lives there.
That's when I fucked up, I grabbed the first tissue I could feel and yanked it out. A big bundle of tampon and toilet paper come rolling out across the counter towards the old lady's purse! I looked down and that's when I realised what I'd done and I quickly snatched it up, I also said "whoops" to make things worse! I looked up to see if the customers had noticed, the old lady was still looking in her purse and her son (about 30yo?) was looking up and away, I think he may have seen it. I'm not sure though. I'm so embarrassed and I definitely will be going straight from the toilet to the bins from now on.
Using a throwaway for obvious reasons.
EPosc: I flush my tampons...
Throwatampon: That clogs the sewer system. My cousin used to do that and found out the hard way (shit bubbling up from the ground).
EPosc: No way...... Seriously? I thought it was ok?
courtoftheair: You didn't read the instructions?
Jemstar: Pretty sure the instructions on the ones I've been using since I was 12 say they're okay to flush.
courtoftheair: Huh. What brand?
Jemstar: Standard cardboard-applicator Tampax. The instructions say "Simply flush or throw the tampon away. Frequent flushing of tampons is not recommended for septic systems."
| 8 | 4.375 | |
1395600359 | 1395615593 | t3_215ywv | t5_2to41 | 73 | leaveitbe12: TIFU by having a threesome with my friend and her boyfriend
Throwaway..here it goes.
Last night I went hangout with my friend. We started to drink at her place and her boyfriend invited us to a party. Drank even more at the party and went to a bar afterwards and drank even more. Since her bf's place was really close and walking home by myself would of been shit they convinced to stay there and walk home in the morning.
So today I wake up in bed naked and really confused, with both of them next to me also naked. I remember bits and pieces of what happened but not the whole thing. I don't how it started but I remember starting to hook up with her and I think I might of had sex with him too but I'm not really sure.
I left soon as I woke up and didn't say much to them but I'm sure they got that I was weirded out.
I guess I feel the weirdest about how little of it I remember, I might drink too much. I will definitely feel weird about seeing them again, especially her boyfriend because I just don't remember what happened between us but he probably does.
[deleted]: Would have, might have. The contraction that sounds like "of" is would've or might've.
And you should talk to your friends. Was it safe sex?
KaktusDan: You don't know how hard it is for me to not indulge the almost irresistible urge to correct this common grammatical error every single time I see it.
Luckily I am able to restrain myself most of the time, otherwise my Reddit comment history would read like the ravings of a full-blown grammar nazi.
I too am curious as to whether or not protection was used during this rendezvous.
CPT_Poonslayer: /r/iamsosmart
| 4 | 18.25 | |
1395608678 | 1395697075 | t3_2161zr | t5_2to41 | 356 | fruitellla: For real. I don't know why this option always gets thrown out so fast. Communication is like a super power once you know how to do it well.
Bodilis: Because he likely already/subconsciously knows that she doesn't reciprocate his feelings, and that a conversation about this could likely lead to the end of their friendship. Probably avoiding the reality that this isn't going to end well.
CockBlocker: I absolutely agree with you that this is probably the case. However, that would be an assumption. In my opinion, an adult would talk to her about it and let her say whether or not that is the case. Be prepared for the worst and hope for the best.
bathroomstalin: But they're not adults; they're adolescents.
GoodGuyNeoNazi: I don't think it mentioned their age.
bathroomstalin: He mentions it every sentence.
GoodGuyNeoNazi: By the way OP is in college, not quite adolescent
bathroomstalin: College students are very much adolescents
GoodGuyNeoNazi: https://www.google.com/search?client=mobilesearchapp&rlz=1MDAPLA_enUS558US558&hl=en&v=3.2.1.25875&source=mobilesearchapp&channel=iss&qscrl=1&noj=1&q=define+teenage&sa=X&ei=i90vU5-xC8TK0AGF0oGYCg&sqi=2&ved=0CAwQ_SowAA
No
bathroomstalin: Teenage =/= Adolescent
[In fact, some would even say it "ends" at age 25.](http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2430573/An-adult-18-Not-Adolescence-ends-25-prevent-young-people-getting-inferiority-complex.html#article-2430573)
The fact is, one's brain has yet to fully develop and increasingly more individuals effectively procrastinate achieving the maturity concomitant with true adulthood.
GoodGuyNeoNazi: Well that's your opinion
bathroomstalin: >I have a female friend that is very promiscuous, but she has never had sex with me because she sees me as a brother.
Is this the behavior of an adult or an adolescent?
>Well around 2 o' clock this morning, she asked me to come to her house because she was depressed and needed someone to talk to, so I did. It eventually led to sex and I loved it.
Is this the behavior of adults or adolescents?
>I now feel extremely attached to her and want to be with her, but she has so many other guys that she deals with and she acts like she forgot it even happened or like it meant nothing to her.
Is this the behavior of adults or adolescents?
>Even though I knew she deals with many other guys, I still feel betrayed when I see her post stuff on Facebook about them.
Is this the behavior of adults or adolescents?
>Wish I could get rid of the way I feel.
Is this the stereotypical refrain of an adolescent or the reaction of a mature, responsible adult?
GoodGuyNeoNazi: I do just bout all those things I'm 30?
bathroomstalin: Sieg Heil, Peter Pan
| 14 | 25.428571 | |
1395603806 | 1395607489 | t3_21649v | t5_2to41 | 29 | Raiden_Gekkou: TIFU by getting banned
This happened a few months ago. I was on /r/TumblrInAction reading a thread about Chanty Morris, the well-known, red-headed feminist activist, also known as Big Red. Someone didn't know what her name was, and was too lazy to simply google "big red feminist", or to look at her youtube videos, or media articles that she has appeared in that generally gives her full name. So I simply spoonfed him and told him her name. Another user commented that I could get banned for using her real name (even though the subject spreads her real name on the internet willingly), so I deleted the comment. An hour later, a mod banned me for doxxing and made a mod post reminding people not to dox, even though all I did was repeat publically available information.
TheJackal8: Different subs have different policies on banning. In most of my subs, the policy is to ban if the person doesn't have a wikipedia page or if they're not well known. I don't know what their policy is but it's usually best to check with the mods before posting anyone's name unless they're very well known.
Raiden_Gekkou: Yeah, they have rules about doxxing, but posting publically known information isn't doxxing. I didn't have to fish through personal profiles to find her name, as she (and everyone else) puts it out on youtube videos and her blog.
TheJackal8: Did you ask the mods about it?
Raiden_Gekkou: Yep. Right after it happened, I asked the mod who banned me and she wasn't a bitch about it, but just said that rules are rules, even though what I did clearly wasn't doxxing. I asked more recently and another mod was a bit of a douche, and didn't bothe replying back after I called them out on banning me for using well-known information.
Saying what I did was doxxing is like saying that posting Barack Obama's name on the internet is doxxing.
TheJackal8: I wouldn't exactly say the person you're talking about is well known but I do see your point. Maybe you should ask if it's a perma ban. In most, if not all, of the subs I'm in, you can be unbanned if we don't think you're a risk to the sub.
Raiden_Gekkou: It is a permaban. It's been 5 months since then. I've only asked once recently since the initial banning and a different mod said "Why should we unban you? You were banned for doxxing", and they wouldn't reply any further.
TheJackal8: Yeah, that's pretty weird. Your history looks fine but as I said, different subs moderate in different ways and it's up to the mods on how they handle things.
| 8 | 3.625 | |
1395616151 | 1395994037 | t3_216nna | t5_2to41 | 1,592 | virgyboo22: TIFU by trying to steal "weed" brownies from my dad
**FINAL EDIT:** I'm putting this one at the top to save all new readers some confusion: I'm a girl. Read this in a girls voice. Nobody realized I was female until they got to my first edit.
So my dad and I are both stoners. We're also both aware of our recreational drug use, however my dad doesn't do it around me, and refuses to partake in the activity with me. Fair enough.
My dad also has asthma, so he recently told me that he now consumes his weed through edibles. I've found his weed in his freezer in the past when he did smoke it, and would often break off a little bit for myself. He's never called me out on it, so I've never gotten caught (not that I'd admit to it if he did). Not to mention that, being a stoner, he can be a bit of a space cadet.
So yesterday, I'm at his house and he's in the other room on the phone, with his friend. I overhear him raving about these new weed brownies he got from a friend when he went to BC. Being the sneaky little bandit I am, I waited for him to take the dog out, and immediately went to the freezer to steal myself some of these infamous pot brownies.
When I open the freezer, sure enough I see a little ziplock bag with 4 brownies in it. I take one and figure my dad wouldn't notice it was missing. Dearest daddy returns, we hang out for a bit longer, and then I leave. I live about 20 minutes away from my dad, so as soon as I get to my car I devour the brownie, hoping it will start to come into effect by the time I get home.
The drive home is uneventful, but after about 30 minutes of being home my stomach starts to grumble in an intense way that signaled to me that I needed to get to a toilet. Immediately. I run to the washroom and hot, liquidy, lava-poop starts flowing from my asshole. I'm on the toilet for 20 minutes, completely amazed and disgusted that I had 20 minutes worth of poop in my body, when I get a text from my dad. It's a picture of him holding the ziplock bagged brownies over a garbage can, giving the camera a cheshire cat smile, and a thumbs up. The message with the picture read: "Can't believe you fell for it. Enjoy the laxatives. Don't steal from your father!"
So for the last 24 hours I've had to dash to the washroom almost every 10-15 minutes. I'm sitting on the toilet as I type this, and I can't leave the house for very long. The only time I have was to get Gatorade so I didn't shit all the water/electrolytes in my body out. My dad told me he set it all up, the phone call, the brownies, so he could catch me in the act. Lesson learned, father. Lesson learned.
TL;DR: Thought I stole weed brownies from my dad. Turns out it was all a set up and ended up eating laxative brownies, and I'm still shitting. Moral of the story: don't try to steal drugs from your parents.
**EDIT:** Some people are giving me a hard time, because he's my father, and that "stealing is wrong." Just wanted to point out that yes, I am well aware that stealing is wrong. I'm not some kleptomaniac, people. I stole some weed from my dad when he's got a shitload to spare. Also, if you haven't taken it from the story, my dad is cool as fuck. I don't think he cared about the weed as much as he did about the opportunity to prank his daughter. And like I said many times: lesson fucking learned! Rest assured everyone who is mad at me about stealing from my dad, I will NOT try to take his edibles ever again. Myself and my butthole are far too traumatized. I swear the poor thing has PTSD (post traumatic shit disorder).
**EDIT 2:** Wow, thank you to whoever gave me gold! That was mighty kind of you!. Made me feel better during this sad, smelly lesson I've been learning for the last 48 hours.
patrikas2: You thought he wouldn't notice **1/4** of his brownies missing?
virgyboo22: I really should have elaborated on how much of a space cadet my dad can be. A little anecdote: whenever he's driving and theres an emergency vehicle with their sirens on passing us, he turns the radio, which isn't even on, down.
JGlover92: I've never heard the term space cadet before, can you explain it to me?
Better_than_Beckham: A space cadet is a forgetful or absentminded person.
JGlover92: Ahhh cool, I like it. Thanks
MusicMelt: Derived from "spacey". Means you are kind of floating around absentmindedly, or have a lot of extra space where your brain should be.
TheStrangerJr: You would think that highly trained individuals who make it space would be a little less... for lack of a better term in the moment, spacey.
nowonmai: You have never heard the term "spaced out"?
| 9 | 176.888889 | |
1395618071 | 1395727486 | t3_216qlz | t5_2to41 | 88 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to defy a racial stereotype
**Context:**
When I started high school, I had never really played a sport before. I had tried out for soccer, basketball, and pretty much everything else when I was younger, however I simply could not compete because I was un-athletic. I was told by my peers that because I was Indian I could never be a successful athlete and that I could only be successful in the classroom. I believed this for quite a while.
In my freshman year, my mom signed me up for cross country. The school I attend has very competitive athletics, and this was one of the few no-cut sports. I don't recall what it was that made me want to sign up in the first place, but I think my intention was to earn a varsity letter.
Not gonna lie I fucking sucked at running and it was brutal. I had basically gone from playing video games non-stop to training for an hour each day. By the end of the season, however, I had improved tremendously and was capable of running a 5K (3.12 miles) in about 20 minutes
**Fast forward two years later and I am on the start line at the state cross country championship**, capable of running a 5K in 15:50. Looking back, I never would have believed this shit. I had gone from being unable to run a single mile to being able to run three consecutive miles at around 5 minute pace. I had discovered that I actually possessed some form of talent. I had only trained for two years and I was faster than many kids who had trained all their lives. And on top of that, I had defied a stereotype. Nobody had thought I was capable, not even my own coach or my parents.
What impelled me to push myself was the feeling of winning. That was what I loved about the sport -- when you cross the line and accomplish your goal, you feel amazing. Before I started running I had this perpetual feeling that I was absolutely *worthless*. Being successful at running made me feel as if I wasn't worthless.
For this years track season, I wanted to do big things. I dreamed about being on the podium at the state championship. I was willing to do *anything* to achieve this goal. I trained all winter, putting in about 600 or so miles. I was running around 50-60 miles each week and also doing weight training. About a month ago, I decided to test out my fitness level by running at an indoor meet. I was really fucking excited when I won the race and ran a 4:25 mile. I knew that if I could run under 4:20 for the mile this season I could run for a top division 1 program in college. The season hadn't even started yet and I was only 5 seconds away.
**How I fucked up:**
Then, the next day, I went out for a run. I felt some pain in my right knee. For some idiotic reason I kept running through it because I thought it was just some soreness from the race, but I was unable to run the next day. I tried once again the day after, and I ended up limping home after only a couple miles. I went to go see a physical therapist, and I have IT band syndrome from tightness and overuse.
It has been five weeks since then and I have not been able to run. The track season has already started and my big race to qualify for state is in 6 weeks. I have been doing alternate forms of training such as biking, however not enough to maintain all of my fitness. I have tried multiple forms of treatment and if everything goes according to plan I'll be able to run in another week. However, it's still very possible that I won't be able to run for another two weeks. I feel like my dreams are being crushed.
I know that if I could run right now, I could most likely regain my fitness and still accomplish my goals, but every day I can't run reduces my chances of achieving them. I
I know that if I had taken the day off after that indoor race, this might not have happened. My coach has pretty much given up on me... he doesn't care and has moved on to focusing on my teammates, in spite of the fact that I have demonstrated more potential and put in more work than all of them.
I am so depressed about this because there is nothing else in the world I care about as much as this sport. I just want an opportunity to step on the track and show my full potential. It might be too late and I might have already fucked everything up, but I guess I will still try to cling to the possibility that I can reach my goals. But maybe everyone was right about the stereotype -- maybe I can never truly be a good athlete, no matter how hard I try.
ProblemPie: Here's what you're going to do:
You're going to continue maintaining as best you can via alternative methods of cardio workouts. Don't push it there, either, because you might strain something else if you go nuts on muscles that you usually use in a different way.
As soon as a doctor gives you the all clear, you're going to start training again. Make sure you discuss how quickly you can build back up with somebody that knows what they're talking about - not just a General Practitioner, but somebody like a physical therapist, if you can. Make sure you don't have a repeat incident.
Based on your timeline, you might get a month to train. I know that isn't a lot, but I'm glancing back at the times you listed, you're fucking *incredible*. I've never met anybody in my entire life that could run like you can - military, athletics, etc. Nobody.
I don't even know your real name, but listen, I absolutely fucking believe in you. Don't you dare defeat yourself. Fuck your coach - and there's a good lesson to learn in this: **you have to be your own cheerleader**. A coach is, often, like anybody else looking for a free ride off of your own talent; the second that talent is in jeopardy, they're off to the next person in line. If you bust your ass and get that place on a team, he'll wish he had stuck with you.
I am completely serious about all of this. Stereotypes are not true - definitely not in this case. I've seen competitive athletes of each and every race, gender, height, and weight: if you want to achieve your dream, you have to make it happen.
If you want to be held accountable, feel free to keep me updated on your progress. If not, I damn sure expect an update after the qualification run. I believe in you: believe in yourself.
smarmyfrenchman: *Do not fuck your coach.*
ProblemPie: Listen, sometimes triumph requires sacrifices.
| 4 | 22 | |
1395619657 | 1395725591 | t3_216t1v | t5_2to41 | 213 | EPosc: TIFU by pinching my boyfriend's dick.
So I'm lying on the couch watching reddit tv, and my boyfriend decided that it would be funny to rest his dink on my head. I reached up and pinched the tip, and out of surprise he dribbled pee onto my face. It almost went in my mouth.
trav1th3rabb1: Could've been worse.
EPosc: Oh.. much worse..
dralcax: Or better.
smarmyfrenchman: Oh.. much better..
| 5 | 42.6 | |
1395605745 | 1395696326 | t3_2167em | t5_2to41 | 20 | iwaswaiting: TIFU by adopting a scarf
If you work in the kind of place that has a lost and found, you are probably aware of the fact that something like 90% of the items are never claimed. What happens to those items? Well, at my place of employment, they are either donated to thrift stores or adopted by employees after a fair waiting period. A couple of months back, one of about 50 million scarves to breeze through our company was left behind and placed in our lost and found bin. I watched it for a while and decided that since no one had shown up or asked about it after several weeks, it was probably safe to take it home, wash it and wear it. Often. It's a really pretty mustard colored scarf that pairs well with navy and grey, which made it a quick staple in my wardrobe. You can probably see where this is going.
As it turns out, the scarf has an owner that frequents the building. Without going into specifics, she works in the space but doesn't actually work for our company. We interact almost daily. We are even friends on Facebook. And for weeks, she didn't say anything. But today is her last day in the building for a while, and she brought it up with one of my coworkers. I confirmed that yes, it is from the lost and found (embarrassing enough, even though everyone does it). Naturally, I called the scarf's rightful owner over when I saw her this afternoon and told her how bad I felt about inadvertently pilfering her scarf while handing it back to her. She was really nice about it and told me that she got it from a lost and found herself - either a weird coincidence or a very nice lie to make me feel better.
So now I'm down a fashionable scarf, too embarrassed to look the scarf owner in the eye and I've got a snowy commute to look forward to with a very cold neck. I'm so embarrassed that I feel like I could puke. I'm also too embarrassed to tell anyone else about this, so I'm hoping that getting it off my chest on reddit will ease my guilt.
LadyGrizabella: You could learn to knit and make a scarf to keep your neck warm. :)
[Come to the dark side..we have needles and lovely wool. :\)](http://www.ravelry.com)
frakintrekker: Yes, we love new people, and you'll forever have awesome one of a kind stuff.
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1395621888 | 1395629458 | t3_216wfo | t5_2to41 | 93 | DoctorDratini: TIFU By getting a split stream
So this morning I got up really tired and having to piss. My dick being hard as a rock, I went into the bathroom and got the toilet seat up. But my cat followed me into the bathroom and hopped up onto the back of the toilet. He meowed at me, and I was used to it so I didn't care. I started pissing and suddenly I got a split stream, and it aimed right up and slammed right into my cat. Who promptly hissed/meowed at the same time and fell off the toilet. I had to clean him in the sink.
TL;DR I got a split stream and pissed on the cat.
Eddie07: HAhahahah cats don't like showers.
That_Deaf_Guy: Especially golden showers.
| 3 | 31 | |
1395630439 | 1395720448 | t3_21794k | t5_2to41 | 38 | Hbeeman: TIFU by thinking i was home alone
So the day started out with me sleeping in. My dad and stepbrother went to some mag con or something like that. I thought they left leaving me home alone.
Well I get a bit horny in the morning so I started watching some porn. I'm a girl so my step brother walks in my room seeing me do something and he just said "oh, um ok." And then closed the door.
I literally drop my phone and hide under my covers. And now I'm Afraid to even look at him because he's only 13 and I'm 16 and I'm afraid of what's going through his head.
Should I say anything to him or not confront anything. My dad doesn't know what happened but he's been pretty quiet. Oh jeez us today I seriously fucked up.
[deleted]: There's nothing to worry about, it's happened to all of us at some point. It was an accident, and the worse thing that could happen is that he tells your dad, and even if he does, I'm sure your dad understands that it's completely natural and won't be mad or disappointed or anything. And trust me, the embarassment will go away eventually.
Hbeeman: Ya I would break my stepbros Xbox if he told my dad so he better not. But everything seems better like he started hangin out with me again and asked me to play CoD ghosts with him.
[deleted]: You sound like a bitch.
Hbeeman: Actually I'm quite the gamer myself. But yes I am a cold bitch if you do something to hurt me. I know his Xbox is the best way to hurt him although I probably never would.
[deleted]: No, he didn't do anything to hurt you, you made a mistake, and now it's his fault ? So you blackmail him into not telling, you show majors symptoms of being a bitch
ChrisCDR: Damn, made me tremble.
| 7 | 5.428571 | |
1395638210 | 1395949034 | t3_217j0g | t5_2to41 | 113 | speedwithteeth: TIFU by making my family think I was dead
This actually happened around when I was around 8 or 9 years old, but it was a big enough fuckup that I've remembered it all these years.
I was in my grandparents' backyard playing with the hose. They had one of those attachments that goes over the nozzle of the hose that can switch to different spray types. Anyway, I was holding the hose with the water on full blast as the head whipped around and it smacked me in the back of the head. Now, I wasn't the smartest kid, so I continued messing around with the hose until it hit me again in the same spot.
I didn't know why, but I suddenly felt extremely tired. I walked over to one of the lawn chairs and tried to sit in it, but the sun was too bright so I got a towel to cover myself with. I was so tired that I couldn't even sit back in the chair, so I knelt on the ground with my body slumped over into the chair, placed the towel over my head, and fell asleep.
As it turns out, I had family visiting that day. My aunt stepped outside to see me slumped over a chair, towel covering my head, and blood streaming down my back. Apparently the hose had split my head open and I passed out from either the blood loss or taking a couple smacks to the back of the head. I woke up to the sound of her screaming. I don't remember much of what happened afterward, but I never went to the hospital so it must not have been too bad.
tl;dr: broke my head without realizing it, family found me unconscious and covered in blood
sgt_roflman: That's a pretty good fuckup. reminds me of when I was 11. I used to like holding my breath under water. I was at a public pool when I got my best time of around 3 minutes only to be dragged out of the pool. a parent thought I had drowned and was very distressed. felt so bad I never did it again :-/
trav1th3rabb1: 3 minutes? Jesus Christ. My best is 2:07!
ThatGenericUserYT: Best is 0:57...
thedoormanmusic32: Best is 00:37...
ThatGenericUserYT: Bro, do you even hold air?
thedoormanmusic32: Bro, do you even hold water?
| 7 | 16.142857 | |
1395664831 | 1395680107 | t3_2184sa | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU by giving my 10 months year old brother brain damage.
^happend ^a ^few ^weeks ^ago
Ok, I know i fucked up hard. I was home alone and had simple instructions: take care of my ^sort-of new born baby brother. So there I was, sitting while he was on my lap, and then for some reason the little thing leans over and falls off my lap. He falls and hits his head into a metal bar that's part of a chair ([something like this](http://www.knobs-etc.com/images/epitome-bath-towel-bar.jpg) but think of it on a chair). He cried so bad that I started panicking and I just didn't know what to do. Eventually the pain eased and he just did what he usually did. Not a big deal. I couldn't tell anyone about it. After my parents came back home they didnt notice everything and everything was fine. Went to the doctor and im waiting for the results. I hope he's alright :(
[deleted]: Tell someone.
Also, take a breath. Even if your brother is hurt, small children can bounce back from brain injuries in incredible ways.
Azntigerlion: Babies don't bounce.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1395668982 | 1395773594 | t3_2189lr | t5_2to41 | 117 | GCNINE: TIFU by going on her faceboook
Its beeeen twwwwoooo whole years! fuuuuuuuuuuuuu what happened to my conviction
Traffic_Light: Of course she's moved on with her life bro, did you expect her to be miserable and alone 2 years later? She's probably a totally different person now anyway.
Don't feel too bad though, she's surely also had moments of weakness when she thought about you and maybe felt the same way you do now.
GCNINE: Thank you for this. I really mean it.
ChiefBigGay: You need 500 days of summer and a beer my friend.
[deleted]: He needs the new 300 movie and some whiskey I think. Not a chick flick and less than a buzz!
ChiefBigGay: 500 Days of Summer is not a chick flick. It's a beautiful movie for men as well.
[deleted]: No, no. It's definitely a chick flick lol. Next this guy is going to tell me P.S. I Love You isn't a chick flick and tell me that Appletinis are the manliest drinks imaginable.
ChiefBigGay: Have you ever watched it? And PS I love you is a chick flick. It's of an entirely different vein of movies.
[deleted]: Sorry bud, but my girlfriend even laughed when I told her some fellow on reddit was trying to tell me it wasn't a chick flick.
ChiefBigGay: Not all romantic comedies are chick flicks. But judging by your immense interest in hockey you wouldn't take the time to realize that.
And I take it as a no that you have not seen it, and you're only judging the movie by its genre.
[deleted]: Sorry I prefer hockey to figure skating... Please look up my post history more. I love the attention!
ChiefBigGay: So no? fantastic.
[deleted]: Nope. Don't watch chick flicks. What else would recommend!? Sisterhood of the traveling pants?
| 13 | 9 | |
1395666711 | 1395721369 | t3_2186re | t5_2to41 | 36 | tilsitforthenommage: TIFU by getting soap in my eye due to my own exuberance.
While singing a slightly drunken-getting-clean-after-date-night song i punched the pump down on shower gel with enough force that the gel ricochet off the palm of my hand and into my open eye. So instead of sharing a shower with my partner with a lot of making out I instead end up with an utterly blood shot eye crying feebly while my partner tended to my injured eye. We went to bed early and there was no nookie.
Edit:grammar and words.
pueblokc: Couldn't read. Grammar and spelling made me jump off a bridge.
tilsitforthenommage: Did it though or we exaggerating just a teenie bit?
BiTcHsLaYeR16: Excgarating**
| 4 | 9 | |
1395679200 | 1395767982 | t3_218p9h | t5_2to41 | 2,324 | snr0n: TIFU at dental hygiene
So, I've been using a homemade toothpaste for a while now. I don't have any fluoride conspiracies for you, I just enjoy making some of my own home & hygiene products as a way to save money and live a little greener, and my teeth check out as being fine for it, so why not?
Well, I ran into a pretty good reason tonight. The recipe I'd been using is kinda hard to squeeze out of a toothpaste tube in colder weather, so I'd left the back of the tube open and I've just been dipping my brush in that way. The last couple of nights I've been getting to bed late, and since I was already half-asleep, I didn't even turn the bathroom light on; I just jammed my brush in there and went to town in the dark.
Today, I had the light on, and I looked into the tube as I dipped my brush. Smushed against the side of the tube was most of a dead cockroach, juicily eviscerated in such a way as to make it clear that my toothbrush was the culprit. My toothpaste is normally a tad gritty anyway, so I had no reason to think anything was up while I was merrily rubbing a roach's cock all over my gums.
**There is not enough mouthwash in the world.**
T_at: It's stories like this that make me glad I live in a country without cockroaches.
snr0n: Oh my god, where? I live in Australia, so the roaches are the least of my worries.
T_at: Ireland. We have no seriously icky creatures.
barnacledoor: You just have those big pasty white creatures that creep around on the streets.
T_at: Hey! We don't creep around.
Not all of us anyway.
barnacledoor: Do you jig around?
T_at: We do, to be sure.
But only when playing to national stereotypes brings in more tourists with their lovely, lovely money.
Wombcorps: Top o the mornin to ya!
barnacledoor: And the rest of the day to yourself. (At least that's what reddit told me to say.)
T_at: I have never ever heard that before.
barnacledoor: There was a post about it within the past week or so.
T_at: I must have missed that one, somehow.
| 13 | 178.769231 | |
1395694048 | 1395823638 | t3_219fo0 | t5_2to41 | 6 | xJoltz: TIFU by getting into a argument and saying "I want to kill myself"
**So, some basic backstory first**
Me and my mum live together, my mum divorced my dad for what she said was "He is a powerfreak" This happened somewhere around 5 years or so ago and we moved into a nice flat in Ealing. My mum had to start working in order to keep this house afloat and she ended up meeting some nice Irish bloke who she really likes and he a pretty nice guy. We will refer to this guy as "Brian" mainly because I have no idea how to spell his actual name.
**So, now some backstory on me.**
I am very easily angered I am not angry all the time but I am easily triggered and my mum has never really got around to that fact. I also use headphones that tend to block out sound around me, which causes her to get annoyed when I dont hear her, and since she is about 54 years old she cant really get up the stairs to talk to me and pair that with someone who is very quickly annoyed, Is not a good mix. My dad also had anger issues when he was young so I guess this runs in the family.
**Now onto what happened, This was around 2 days ago.**
So I am sitting in the living room on my laptop, since I had no desire to launch up my main PC just to browse reddit, I am also talking to my friend on skype. My mum was in the next room in the kitchen Brian was also there. I also, (This is important) say stupid shit when I am angry.
My mum starts calling me and I am using my headphones and talking on skype so I cant hear her calling me, well eventually she comes storming into the living room and starts yelling loud enough for my friends to hear which, is pretty loud since I have a steelseries siberia v2
I am rather annoyed by this and so I rush into the sitting room already fuming with anger and start yelling at the what the hell she was doing, and why she had to scream. During this I kick a dining chair over and storm out of the room to go back to my laptop.
She comes back into my room again and starts screaming, again. I come back rushing into the room and end up in a heated argument while Brian sits there stunned, at one point I shout something about why I fucking hate this shit and why I want to die, now here is where I fucked up.
I didnt tell you this but Brain has a son and his son is autistic. His worst fear is his son killing himself for this reason. He told that to my mum 3 days befre I came in screaming at the top of my lungs "I want to kill myself because of you" at my mum, Infront of him.
BTW I dont want to kill myself, as I said I say stupid shit when I am angry and my mum knows this, but I dont think Brian does...
I am going to have to carry this embarrassment until the day I die.
**TL:DR: Got into a argument, said I wanted to kill myself infront of someone whos worst fear is his son killing himself**
irGoodman: You shouldn't be treating people like that mang, having headphones on is not a fucking excuse. Go get someone to talk to.
xJoltz: Not hearing someone because you are listening to twitchplayspokemon and talking on skype only for someone to come barging into the room screaming at you. I think that is a fine excuse to be annoyed.
I do have someone to talk to. A good friend of mine /u/MasterFasth he is a great friend and I like sharing my problems with him.
ThegreatPee: You seem pretty immature. If you are a girl, it might be hormones. Get help. If you are a boy, you are a whiny little bitch. Get over yourself. Your Mom probably paid for everything that you have, you might want to try some respect.
Edit: it's my cake day, I'll say whatever I want :D
xJoltz: Sorry, my comment didnt have the tone I was Intending to give.
But frankly you also seem fairly immature since you are insulting me and saying that just because It is your cake day. (Which BTW is something no one cares about) you have the right to throw insults at people you havent even met and know nothing about.
My mum did give me most things I wanted, which I will freely admit because I know it is a wrong way to lead a kid, you however seem to think that just because my parents didnt raise me absolutely perfectly I must be a serious dickhead when it comes to talking to people.
I do have respect, but based on the tone of your comment, you dont.
Edit: Both you and /u/irGoodman
ThegreatPee: Hell, do what you want. Since you POSTED I was giving my opinion. The cake day edit was sarcasm. I only noticed because someone else pointed it out. Try to give your poor mom a break, she has probably been through enough. Good luck!
xJoltz: Yes, you saying your opinion is fine but, your opinion is flawed and full of holes. The biggest one being you called me out on being immature. I being a person you have never met, talked too or seen, and then proceeded to call me a "a whiny little bitch."
Which proved you are not only jumping to conclusions based on almost hilarious reasoning, that reason being that a single comment was In a agressive tone when If you look at my history I tend to try not to insult people and when I do I tend to say sorry for being a dick, and you are also immature.
Also, why are you now backpedaling? You seem to have gone immediately serious mode, the second I called you out on contradicting yourself.
You went from a aggressive and frankly disgusting tone to being friendly and hoping me the best and I never seen someone on the internet pull a 180 in their attitude
>Since you POSTED I was giving my opinion.
I know this, Whenever you say something on the internet It is open to criticism and some people may want to challenge your opinion, this also applys to people criticizing other people opinions, even they are subject to being criticized
That is why I tend to avoid subjects I am not familiar with, since If someone asks for my reasoning I dont have much to work with.
The vibe I am getting from you, seems like you are like me when I first found reddit after having used youtube for years. When I was on youtube It is perfectly fine to accuse people and insult them, since there Is no consequences, on reddit however people are alot more civil In discussions and so when you came in insulting me I was able to counter your argument pretty well, because you failed to see that you contradicted yourself, which is a thing that stupid people on youtube would not see and so you would win the argument even though it was flawed.
It made sense to be civil in a civilized environment
Now, you are trying to make a smooth recovery since you are not used to getting beat in a argument/ or you didnt think you would lose this argument/you are trying to avoid getting yelled at by other redditors by "kinda" saying you were wrong.
ThegreatPee: I started this as mildly amused, given the Subreddit. I'm now concerned. I don't care about Reddit history, it's just a website. You might want to get some help. Your last post sent up some red flags. You can talk or vent to me whenever you want.
xJoltz: I find it funny.
You "wish me luck" and now have done a 180 in your attitude and are now being incredibly friendly. Yet you are being deliberately vague, you know I will ask for these "red flags" why not put them in the same comment. It would save us both time but I digress.
What "red flags" do you mean, The only thing I can see in my comment as a indication of my attitude is that I am observant.
You know what? I think you are a troll, you turned a 180 in your attitude, you were vague even though you knew I would want to know your reasoning, you ignored half of my points, you constantly make small replies that completely ignore what I said and you also say I can vent on you. All sighs of someone who wants attention, all of the points above has driven me to respond to you again and again.
I mean, fucking hell you never even responded to the fact you did a 180 in your attitude, you just ignored it.
I am not going to be responding to you again, since It is not worth my time arguing with you.
Edit: Also, as I said earlier, If you say anything on the internet you must be prepared to defend your opinion. You however seem to have no drive to do this, another reason why I shouldn't bother arguing with you.
irGoodman: Mate take a fucking chill pill. He is right.
Your mother most likely has experienced this before, and you not being able to control yourself does NOT allow you to be an asshat.
I am currently 17 and if I don't hear my mum from fucking 100 metres away that's still my fault and I realise that - you should too.
She doesn't care if you're playing games, not her responsibility. Your responsibility to her for bringing you into this world, into a (probably) middle class family is to at least be polite and give a little respect.
Whilst being a little bitch may have been over-the-top, the message remains; change your fucking attitude yo. Whilst under her roof, it's her rules regardless of your anger issues.
xJoltz: Jesus christ.
A. Cant change my personality overnight.
B. I had a difficult upbringing. Anger issues runs on my dads side of the family, and my dad is also a fucking dickhead according to my mum.
C. I would like to stop my anger issues, but you cannot understand the concept of "having a short fuse"
D.
>Your responsibility to her for bringing you into this world, into a (probably) middle class family is to at least be polite and give a little respect.
See point "B."
I assume you are applying this logic to all family's aswell as me. (since otherwise it wouldnt make any sense) In that case, you are wrong on a thousand levels, due to the term "bad parenting"
irGoodman: Now you need to take a step back and own up to your mistake. Each of your point was refuting my own and justifying yourself. You need to accept this flaw and work with it - not deny it.
I don't care how difficult your upbringing was, if you can afford a computer, internet connection and a headset you are fine. I also had what people call difficult but I don't blame it on my Aspergers - I work with it and learn more so I can improve on areas I struggle in.
I'm not trying to insult you, trying to help. You CAN change your personality overnight. Small goals are the best goals to have. Get angry about one less thing or anything like that. I can understand having a short fuse, but using it as an excuse to get angry simply isn't going to work in the real world.
xJoltz: Thing is, I am denying it because I AM getting rid of it. I have recently tried to stop getting angry at things, Which has worked, This was the only argument I had with my mum in maybe 2 weeks which Is amazing for me.
And when I do end up arguing, I calm down alot quicker then I used too. In my story, I used terms such as "shouted" and "yelled" when really my voice it not highly raised when I am arguing.
Yes, having a short fuse is not a excuse for getting angry, it is however a excuse for being angered
irGoodman: Okay well I'm glad you're making progress then, just take what I'm trying to say to heart a little friend
| 14 | 0.428571 | |
1395699551 | 1395710293 | t3_219pjk | t5_2to41 | 79 | demosthenocke: TIFU by "kidnapping" a kid at NASCAR
I'm really happy to have stumbled upon this sub today, because I've got a doozy that JUST happened over the weekend.
My girlfriend and her parents attend the Auto Club 400 NASCAR race in Fontana every year. I would tease her (in good humor) about being a redneck NASCAR fan, but she was determined to prove that it wasn't all rednecks and derp. Her family has a pretty nice camper, and it's basically just a three-day party on the infield, so I came along.
The camping area on the infield is massive, and the only practical way of getting around is on a bicycle, scooter, skateboard, etc., so it's not uncommon to see people and kids of all ages rolling and exploring all over the place. It's got a real family-friendly, safe type of vibe, you know? Our neighbors brought along their 7 year-old daughter and she was constantly making friends with kids from all over the place.
Well, said 7 year-old wanted someone to take her to the hair tent where they tease up your hair all big, and then shellac it with rainbows of color and glitter and shit. My girlfriend and I were glad to take her because it was on the way to a part of the track I hadn't seen yet, and we were going there anyway. Her dad was thrilled because he was exhausted.
One of her little playmates (a little toe-headed boy around the same age) said he wanted to come along. Now I *may* have said something like "we're going to the hair tent, wanna come?", but I don't remember exactly because I was a few beers in at this point. What I DO remember saying was "you know, we should really probably ask your parents if it's okay for you to come along." He replies "no, they really won't mind." And that was all I needed to hear. "Oh, sure thing, tiny boy on a scooter! You have an honest face! Let's just ride to the complete opposite end of the campground because you said your parents won't care." He also made mention of the fact that he was staying pretty far from our campsite, so I figured his parents had just let him roam around for the day. It wasn't an inconceivable thought, please believe me!
What he *failed to mention* was that he was over by our spot because his parents were visiting friends nearby. He also never mentioned that they told him to stay close and not wander off. Little prick! Honestly, though, I do ultimately blame myself for not listening to my gut and finding the parents first, but the story continues...
Anyway, we're at the hair tent and he's racking his brain about what he wants done to his hair. He ultimately decides on blue hair with a checkerboard of green around the sides. Honestly, it looked pretty baddass, but it must not have been enough because then he decides he wants his face painted like a skull. Sure thing, bud. Sounds awesome!
I joked with one of the other parents at the tent that this "random-ass kid just tagged along with us, and I hope his parents won't mind lol! I hope he has money hahaha!" etc. A small amount of dread was swimming in the back of my head, but it was all in good fun, right? Nope.jpg
His little sister ratted him out soon after we had left, but his parents had no idea wtf the "hair tent" was, so they're scouring the whole place for him. Its literally over half a mile from where we were, so they were looking for awhile. They finally found us, and didn't look happy at aaaaall. They took him away in the middle of the face painting, and thanked us for keeping an eye on him. Everythingwentbetterthanexpected.png? Nope the fuck.
Apparently they got all up in his ass about leaving, and he said that we told him to come, that we offered to pay, and that we never said anything about asking his parents. They believed every word. Little dick. They found us and daddy looked like he was about to go nuclear. All tatted-up and beer-buzzed, he looked like he was going to kill us! My girlfriend had a clearer head than me and told him "your kid just followed us! What could we do?!" They were pissed off, but left without incident.
I never mentioned to anyone the fact that I *might* have invited this kid. You can bet good money that I won't! Oops!
I_ALWAYS_POOP_NAKED: Shit like this is why I ignore children all together.
rivermelodyidk: This is why I avoid humans in general.
| 3 | 26.333333 | |
1395702418 | 1395702829 | t3_219ugh | t5_2to41 | 2 | 21skulls: TIFU by ruining my brand new /r/NoSleep shirt.
So about a month ago I bought the really sweet shirt that /r/nosleep had for sale, /r/nosleep being my favorite subreddit. I was looking forward to getting it in the mail. Today, the shirt came! Jersey knit, in my fave shade of ash grey. It was so soft, and was quickly becoming my fave shirt. I tried it on, and it fit wonderfully, and had just the right cling.
However, I don't like collars, and I cut them off every shirt I own. So... I got out my sewing scissors, sat down, and start to cut...
I sneeze.
I look down horrified.
I had sliced across the seams into the knit. T-shirt knits are pretty much irreparable, and I can't buy another one, it was one time only.
I'm so bummed out right now.
EDIT: Punctuation
Moonpiles: Ya blew it.
21skulls: *hangs head sadly*
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1395699332 | 1396166602 | t3_219p5r | t5_2to41 | 43 | kleerintent: TIFU by breaking my cats leg.
BEFORE YOU VERBALLY CASTRATE ME!
I just got done setting up my living room and surround sound comfortably in my tiny apartment. So I turned my music on (JBL surround sound) and started doing my dishes. about an hour goes by, I'm jamming out in my bedroom, listening to the music from the living room. all of a sudden there's this HUGE crash and my cat started screaming. I run in to the living room to check out the raucous... and there's my cat, screaming bloody murder and staring at me, freaking the fuck out. Probably saying, "get this fucking oak book case off my leg!"
I had the music turned up too loud and it shook my long oak bookcase off the top of my old 53" Hitachi. right on top of the innocent cat. I feel fucking horrible.
TL;DR
Music was up too loud. Shook bookcase off t.v. and landed on my unsuspecting cat.
GhostMatter: How's the cat doing?
kleerintent: Well. The 350 dollar remark was made before the process was finished. She was actually still at the vet. When they did Xrays they found a tumor on her leg. And the bone was shattered so they had to amputate it. She's wobbling around on 3 legs now but she's adapting really fast. Still trying to use her invisible leg. I feel like the worst hoomin ever. First day they told me they'd be able to fix it but I got a call the next morning with a different song and dance.
kleerintent: Also, I feel like she's just searching for a place to lay down and die. The vet said not to let her hide anywhere for fear of her pulling all the staples out. So I had to block off her random cubbies. She also won't use her litterbox and wet her blankets in her catbed. My girlfriends on the phone with the vet right now. Dammit. I feel like a fucking murderer.
GhostMatter: Give us news later! Shit happens, man. Cats are Hardy. *hugs
kleerintent: Thanks man. Vet said it'll be a long hard road. About a year and she should be almost normal again. With the exception of the leg of course. I should buy a 3d printer.
kleerintent: I think she might be in love with her Fentanol patch.
| 7 | 6.142857 | |
1395698365 | 1395711566 | t3_219nge | t5_2to41 | 19 | GravityPhone: TIFU by falling asleep at work
I work in a computer repair shop, there was nothing to work on and I was really tired. I'm the only one here. Took my glasses off and shut my eyes just rest them for a minute. 25 minutes later I woke up with my boss in front of me. He didn't seem that upset but I texted him saying I won't let it happen again, that I'm glad for the job ect. What sucks is I'm here because the usual guy is on vacation and I'm a new employee, this period is supposed to be my test in a way, and I was being considered for more hours. Hopefully all is not doomed, I feel so stupid.
swimrdude321: Do what I do in those situations. Punch yourself in the balls as hard as you can
Chinese riddle. How can you sleep after fist to nuts?
GravityPhone: Funny, I feel like punching myself in the balls right now I feel so stupid. I'm not gonna though. I need those.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1395710805 | 1395844184 | t3_21a8e8 | t5_2to41 | 33 | ughhhtifu: TIFU by ruining my chance at my dream job.
I have an interview tomorrow for literally my dream job. The interview is four hours away from home, so I rented a hotel room, drove all the way here, etc.
I have to bring proof of citizenship and I cannot find my motherfucking passport in the hotel room anywhere. I KNOW I packed it - I specifically remember putting into the file folder with my other documents, but it's not here now. I've gone over my room and car with a fine-tooth comb multiple times, and it's nowhere to be found.
So I'm going to be showing up tomorrow morning at an interview for my dream job without the proper documentation. Even if they still let me interview, there's no way they'll hire the forgetful dumbass.
God damn it, did I ever fuck up.
**Update:**
I had checked with people at home, and it was nowhere to be found there either. It somehow got lost on the drive there, which is completely baffling to me.
I had made a copy of the passport to give them at the interview, and upon realizing that I was passport-less I also contacted my mom and got her to scan a copy of my birth certificate which is also considered proof of citizenship (has anyone else literally never set eyes on the original copy of their birth certificate? I forgot it was actually a thing!), which I also brought with me to the interview. This wasn't ideal, because they had explicitly asked for the original document to be present, but I explained to them the situation, showed them what I had, and they said it would be fine for the time being. It's hard to say how much this affected their opinion of me, but at least I was able to proceed with the interview.
And the interview actually went surprisingly well, considering I got no sleep due to my blind panic. No major fuck-ups or serious foot-in-mouths, at least.
[deleted]: Any update? How did it go?
ughhhtifu: I've edited with an update!
[deleted]: You'll have to update again when you find out whether you got the job or not. I'm invested in this now.
ughhhtifu: I probably won't know for 6 months or so. It's a government hiring process for a really competitive position... they started with over 5000 applications and are interviewing 200 people for probably around 10-20 jobs. After interviews are over, there is a written test, and then they perform security clearance checks before you can actually get an offer.
[deleted]: That's okay. I'll still be here, waiting. Also kind of curious what the job is now.
| 6 | 5.5 | |
1395731324 | 1395966762 | t3_21az5w | t5_2to41 | 90 | NoFlyingSolo: TIFU by sucking myself off (TL;DR at the end)
Dear Reddit... So I thought I had gotten my life pretty much together. Got a decent apprenticeship (might even turn into a full-time job), made into Senior Year with nice grades + GPA, began kicking ass at aikido (this one is important, I'll elaborate later on), began "succeeding" at NoFap, and even met a girl I'm interested in.
So today I got really frustrated at this calculations + calibrations HW I had to do, and my inability to do it successfully. Adding to my worries, the fact that I couldn't manage to ask my crush out on a serious date (like, for real; no more "let's have lunch together/let's have a talk") and that I'm running out of time (I have imposed myself a deadline, it has to happen this week).
Aikido gave me a lot. I had reach, and not flexibility; but now I have both. Funny how that works out to blow some steam (ME reference here). Frustrated as I was, it was only "logical" that I had to vent my anxiety somehow. And since I no longer engage in binge-eating nor drinking, and I had pretty much given up on doing that HW on my own, I resorted to fapping. Because, hell, why not? I was already feeling powerless.
I began going at it, and out of the blue the thought of "Hey, everyone says I can flex a lot... I wonder how *far* I can actually do it" popped up in my head. So I went to my bed, laid there, brought my legs to my face aaaaaand... Yeap. I began sucking myself off. While fantasizing, because, if you're already at it... (my crush also happens to do aikido, and is as flexible as I am, if not more. She *does* have flexibility)
While going at it, I felt that I was about to finish. I just marshaled on, and kept blowing my whistle. I was already there. What had to happen... Happened. All that semen *had* to go somewhere... Yeah, it went exactly where you're picturing it.
The horror of the realization dawned on me almost instantaneously. I had my mouth full of my own semen. I had reached a new low. I spat the stuff, and went straight to wash my mouth after scrubbing it.
I now feel like crap. Even more so because I thought I had it together. All that is pending now is for me to change my name to Tyrone. I fucked (myself) up. Never again.
TL;DR: Got frustrated, sucked myself off, came in my mouth. For shame.
charden_sama: The fuck does it matter? So you had a mouthful of your own spunk; that doesn't make you gay, and it doesn't make you a worse person.
Hot_Biscuits_: Umm....
charden_sama: I'm serious. Some people like that, and who cares? It's their business, and as long as it doesn't hurt anyone, what does it matter?
Jay444111: Agreed. Fully.
| 5 | 18 | |
1395723652 | 1395735490 | t3_21ari2 | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by liking my best friend's best friend.
*back story* So I met my best friend almost two years ago. I started liking her shortly after. She was really my only good friend at this new school. She was there for me through everything and we understood each other greatly. We would flirt and stuff but I didn't know if she felt the same way about me. She then started dating someone so I figured she didn't feel the same way. She started talking to me a little less, not a lot, but I could feel that she was less interested. I then started talking to another girl, looking back I know it was because she talked to me less and this girl gave me attention, we then started dating. I tried to keep in contact with my best friend cause I didn't want to lose her. My new girlfriend started getting jealous though so to please her, I stopped talking to her as much then it got to where we didn't talk at all, not texting or talking at school. After a few months, I could feel my girlfriend pulling away from me so I started talking to my old best friend again. It was so hard cause I know I hurt her when I stopped talking. The thing is, when we talked, she was now interested and we'd joke and everything was so perfect between us again. I loved that because I regretted and hated myself for doing what I did. I knew I had to make it right. Me and my girl friend broke up soon after and my best friend was there for me and pulled me through. She also had a boyfriend at this time. She would tell me their problems or how good they were. Which even though it hurt, I knew to be a good friend, I needed to give her advise that would benefit them, not me. So I did. For months, with this boyfriend then a next. I soon couldn't take the pain of just hiding it from her so I went out on a limb and told her. And she accepted it and told me that she liked me too. I was so psyched. Everything was great, I could finally be happy with the girl I've always wanted, the girl I've been in love with for so long. Two days later though, she was posting things about another guy, things on Instagram and Facebook. So, feeling completely broken, I just figured I should put my feelings aside. It hurt so bad. Then about two weeks later, she starts dating the guy she was with when I was dating that other girl. I hated myself so much and I couldn't take it. I had to find out she was dating him again on Facebook and Instagram, she didn't even tell, we were supposed to be best friends. But I stuck with it cause I love her so much. Weeks go by and I just feel lonelier and lonelier. Everytime I bring that up with her, she tells me that I have her. But she never understood what I meant. I needed something more than just her being my best friend and only seeing me at school, I needed that other kind of comfort, that romantic kind or whatever. She didn't get it cause she had her boyfriend. Which I sort of got that. I still wanted her more than anything.
Now this is when I started to fuck up. She Snapchats me with her best friend, which has already told her that she thinks I'm cute or something. I Snap her back, then me and her best friend start Snapchatting and eventually texting. We hit it off, I guess mostly cause it was new so we had a lot to talk about. Our conversations were very deep though. I noticed my best friend talking to me less and even ignoring me at times after me and her best friend started talking. I could feel myself starting to kind of like her but I wasn't sure. Then me, my best friend, and her FaceTimed but after, my best friend and I started talking late that night, she told me how she felt and that it hurt to watch us talk cause she realized that she wants to be with me and that she took the other guy back cause she saw him more and stuff. I told her that I wanted her too and how bad. Than I need her and I can't be without her. So that night, I barely got any sleep cause I knew what I had to do, I woke up super early that morning to talk to her best friend. I told her that I couldn't be in a relationship or anything like that now cause of the way my life was going. I had to leave my best friend out cause she knew her best friend would be upset with her. So after, she said it was cool and everything but my best friend showed me her messages and how she was blaming herself. She's really unstable from the way her life is and the way she's treated. So me and my best friend feel like shit, so we had to figure out a way to somewhat make it better. We eventually did. So after this, after all she told me about wanting me and me wanting her, I thought, "Finally, after so long, we can be together." But nothing happened! We went back to the way we were before, I was crushed cause she was still with her boyfriend but now I was lonelier than ever and I was miserable. Me and her best friend still talked though, just as friends though. After a little while. I began to accept that me and my bestfriend weren't gonna be together cause she wasn't gonna break up with her boyfriend because of another guy, again, and we both knew she couldn't do that to her best friend. So we all hung out together and talked to her best friend more cause I couldn't watch her and her boyfriend be together.
This is when it started to go to shit again, after accepting our fate, I guess I was just blinded of the fact that me being with her best friend would hurt her. So me and her best friend talk more and I begin to like her more. Then my best friend tells me that I'm confusing her cause I told her that I didn't want a relationship but now I'm flirting with her. I told her how I felt different and how I've accepted that we won't be together. We argued and talked. We then stopped for the night but I continued the next day. It got worse cause I was trying to stop being a nice guy pushover so I just got short when she did. We stopped talking. Then a few hours later she tells me that she can't do it and that we should be happy for each other and go on double dates. So I was like, okay, I liked her best friend and I figured I'd stop thinking about my feelings for her eventually. But deep down, I knew she didn't really mean what she said about double dates and the rest, I knew she was hurt but for some reason, I ignored it. I guess I figured things were fine cause she acted like she always had before. So last weekend, me, my best friend and her boyfriend, and her best friend make plans to go bowling. We had to cancel on Friday though cause her best friends mom was being psycho again like always. So me and her best friend agree to hangout out Saturday with my best friend. I figured she told her but I didn't find out till Saturday that she was just planning on showing up at her house like usually then I'd come over and we'd hang out. We didn't know but my best friend was with her sister so we then had to improvise. Me thinking that my best friend knew all about it. She didn't. I went with her to eat with her parents then we saw a movie. It was great. During our time though, I texted my best friend telling her about her best friends crazy little brother. I then told her that I was with them and all she said was "okay." I knew I had fucked up. I had to wait till I was home around ten before we could talk and I told her how bad I felt and that I knew I was wrong but she wasn't having any of it. She said that it was messed up that I hung out with her best friend and that I'm not entitled to call her best friend anymore. The thing is, I can't give her up to be with her, I can't lose her for anyone. I thought we could make it work but I shouldn't have forgotten how much it hurt her. I didn't text her back cause I knew arguing wouldn't solve anything, as much as it hurt, I knew what I had to do. I fucking hated myself cause she unfollowed me on everything and said she was really done this time. My whole world was caving in and I knew I'd rather be completely alone than choose one over the other. So that next morning, I told her best friend that I couldn't do it. My whole world was falling apart and I didn't know why. Everything was unraveling and I couldn't stop it. I left out my best friend being most of the reason though. She didn't let me go without a fight. She told me how I was the greatest thing that has happened to her and a lot of other stuff so I that made me absolutely hate myself even more. I know I hurt her best friend and she can't talk to me. My best friend has ignored me since Saturday. Even at school today, I'm usually happy and joke a lot in class but I kept my head down through out. I just wanted to break down cause I sit right next to her and she seemed okay. I fucking love her so much but I know I completely fucked up and I don't know what to do. I ruined everything. I hate myself so much and I don't know what to do with my life anymore. She kept me sane but now I'm slipping. I just don't know, I really don't deserve her. I just wish I could have another chance, she doesn't even know I'm in love with her. I just want to make it right. If that's even possible.
TL;DR: I started to like my best friend(whom I'm in love with)'s best friend but now neither one will speak to me and I hate myself.
thatspecialchild: Paragraphs are your friend. And maybe add some names? I'm sorry but I only made it halfway through that, it was quite difficult to read and try and keep track of what's happening.
downhillcarver: As soon as I saw that unbroken wall of text I decided not to try... Sorry OP, but until you learn that the enter key is you're friend, I can't be yours.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1395767559 | 1395772516 | t3_21c3xn | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU By throwing away my brothers check
Are gameroom was looking pretty dirty so I decided to clean it. So I was cleaning, filling garbage bags with trash and papers and acadently threw away my brothers tax refund check worth $150 and I don't know what to do. I apologized via text and plan to in person when I get home from school but I just feel so bad, I don't have a job so I can't repay him and there's no way to get it out of the trash because trash day was yesterday. Any suggestions reddit?
tewks4life: It will probably take a while but the Inland Revenue (that's what you have in the US right?) will be able to issue a new one as long as the missing cheque is never cashed or it is cancelled by them.
Try not to worry.
Ghostofazombie: It's the Internal Revenue Service.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1395767401 | 1395797960 | t3_21c3n8 | t5_2to41 | 1,779 | 2009845: TIFU by being a drunk, horny young man.
On Friday night I went home from university for the first time in a few weeks to go on a night out for my friend's birthday. Over the course of the night, I noticed that another friend of mine, who we'll refer to as L, was a little, shall we say *flirtier* than usual. As it turned out, she had broken up with her boyfriend of four and a half YEARS just 3 weeks earlier.
Over the course of the night, the two of us (and everyone else) get steadily more drunk and she gets progressively flirtier, at one point kissing some guy in the club we were at. At about 3, when we know the last bus home is leaving, and 5 of us go back to the home of the birthday girl. She went to her room, my buddy and his girlfriend stay in her spare room, leaving me and L on sofas in the living room. Bear in mind that I'm really pretty drunk at this point, there are parts of the bus journey home that I can't remember.
We stay up chatting for a bit, mainly about her boyfriend, and how weird it is being single. They were 15 when they got together. Talk progressed to how she missed sex, and how she was thinking about sleeping with the guy she was kissing earlier, who is a mate of mine. At one point she says the actual phrase "maybe me and you should sleep together."
I had never understood the expression deafening silence until that moment, when I got up and went to the other sofa. We bang for about 15 minutes, she seems to be enjoying it, when she gets off and immediately starts crying. She starts talking about how much she misses her ex, and I try my best to comfort her before we both fall asleep, separate sofas. We agreed to pretend like it never happened, but I feel awful - I'm probably the only other guy she's slept with.
TL;DR Friend broke up with her long-term boyfriend, I shag her, she cries, we pretend it never happened.
That_Deaf_Guy: She suggested it. Sure, she was drunk, but she it doesn't change the fact that you were drunk and just obeyed. It's happened dude, you didn't shit yourself during and now it's in the past. Have a beer and move on.
kroneksix: I'm sure she will play the rape card.
Poebbel: Sure man, because that's what everybody does ...
Ayn_Rand_Was_Right: I think it is just that crazy cunts make the claims, and crazy cunts are more likely to have this kind of encounter.
Poebbel: lol wut?
That's bullshit. Every kind of girl breaks up with her boyfriend and rebounds with a friend or random dude from a bar. Happens all the time and in 99.99% of all cases nobody is accused of rape.
Ayn_Rand_Was_Right: It took me a while to figure out that other people are not me, so don't give up, you will get it. You may rebound with random people at bars or your friends, but that does not mean that they all do.
Poebbel: I didn't say every girl, I said every kind of girl (meaning not just what you so affectionately call 'crazy cunts').
Work on your reading comprehension.
Ayn_Rand_Was_Right: Ok, I do see that now, but saying every kind of girl still doesn't invalidate what I said, all I said was that most of the bullshit comes from the same stack that all are in the "crazy cunt" field. I would make a venn diagram but that is far too much work. If you could imagine a circle labeled post dick freakouts and a bunch of circles with the various female archtypes overlapping it, and the crazy cunt circle taking a majority.
neurorgasm: Go back to red pill and have fun masturbating for the rest of your life.
Ayn_Rand_Was_Right: Holy fucking shit, I just googled red pill and I assume you mean the subreddit, right? That shit is hilarious, like watching a ~~klan~~ tea party rally. Thank you for that entertainment, I think I lost what little life I had left.
neurorgasm: If you think all females have an archetype and a majority are crazy cunts you might like to subscribe
Ayn_Rand_Was_Right: You got that half right, I do think **PEOPLE** have archetypes. Bringing up males in a thread that is about females is kinda stupid. People like to think they are all special little snowflakes, but they all fall into a limited number of types, with a few sub-types in each.
I never said that the majority, or even a high minority are crazy cunts either. I think you just took what I said and my name and threw it into a rage generator or something. This is always about the small minority that do the biggest things. Not all muslims are bad, but the guys blowing themselves up are what we see. Not all christians are bad, but we see the WBC. Not all women are bad, but but we see the psychotic minority.
neurorgasm: Nah. I don't care about whether Ayn Rand was right or wrong at all. I guess I misinterpreted what you said in some earlier comment about venn diagrams, because it sounded like that's what you were saying.
Ayn_Rand_Was_Right: No prob, it was meant to be the 1% of crazy that does it, not the 99% that doesn't. If I thought all women were evil or something, that would mean that I thought my adorable little sister was, and she isn't and I will skin anyone that says otherwise.
| 15 | 118.6 | |
1395771642 | 1395776273 | t3_21cb54 | t5_2to41 | 619 | [deleted]: TIFUpdate on having my wife arrested after church in front of our kids
Hey guys, a few of you have been asking for an update and I had been too busy since last few weeks, but finally got the time.
If you dont remember, I fucked up 22 days ago, [you can read about it HERE](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1zd2u4/tifu_by_having_my_wife_arrested_after_church_in/)
I received a lot of support and advice from reddit during that time, and surprisingly only half of it was "she's cray, you need to run", and although I understand how that may be the initial reaction, I am glad that I didn't just run away and instead chose to stay by her and support her.
We've been to 2 sessions of counseling together as a couple, and she has spent 4 days at a local hospital for psychiatric evaluation. The results didn't indicate any mental help problems beyond depression, especially during her last terms in pregnancy. She has notoriously been like this during pregnancy, but this time was possibly the worse it has gotten.
Anyway, she was prescribed with some medication to help control her mood swings, while being safe for the baby, and was also prescribed anti-depressants.
Luckily, and I am glad to say, she has made monumental progress! She's barely used the medication, and instead has been seeing a therapist, they meet twice a week and I joined in for a session once.
A lot of her problems seem to stem from her past - which we wont get into - but she is making great progress. Social Services are completely happy for her to start being with the children again, and I have moved back in with the kids. We haven't had a single argument that ended with knives or anything crazy like that, though we argued last week about cup cakes, it only ended with extra flavours being bought instead of a melt down!
She's finally happy again, the kids have seen a massive difference as well and I don't want to toot my own horn but intimacy has returned!!!!! Which as you can guess I am more than excitable about.
So if any of you guys are having similar problems, or know some one that is going through this alone, please, for the love of all that is good - DO NOT RUN - and try to offer your help as best you can, and in my case she didn't even want my help, or accept it, and I had to use extremes to get her help, but it was 100 million times better to get her back and resume life almost normally, than to have left her to self destruct.
**TL: DR -** Its all good folks! She is getting better and better each day, Social Services are happy with her progress - she can see the kids again, and it all just came down to pregnancy hormones + depression
Thank you all for your kind advice and contributions, some of you really helped!
**Edit:** I just wanted to edit in, I dont want people to think that it was all my wifes fault, it wasn't. I require just as much "fixing" as she does, and for a while most of the issues started from me. I guess it all happened a few months before I lost my job and had to solely rely on my own self-employment for income. Stress levels have never been higher, and I hadn't been the best husband. I guess her melting down made me see perspective and I, myself, have sought help.
So I am also in counseling, and am getting much better too!
BeckieBeckie: Thank you for not running away from her or your problem.
fruitellla: For real. It takes a really strong man to stay by the one you love after seeing a side of them like that. I hope the best for you guys.
-Incendium-: "fruitella" is actually one of her unofficial nicknames! learnt that during joint therapy session :)
Anyway, I am not perfect, I didn't realise how bad things had gotten until it got to the way it did. I'm just glad I came to my senses real freaking quickly.
fruitellla: No kidding! Cool! Most people in situations like yours stumble around a lot before finally finding their footing, and by then it may be too late. Big props to you and your level head.
| 5 | 123.8 | |
1395770109 | 1395909995 | t3_21c8fd | t5_2to41 | 149 | mretzloff: TIFU by eating an orgasmic cookie
I have a lot of food allergies that make it very hard to enjoy treats with my friends that we all make together. I am allergic to peanuts, eggs, sesame seeds, kiwi and peas. I have many seasonal and dog allergies as well.
So last night, my neighbours decided to be the lovely person she always is and make us some baking and that one of her baking called for no eggs in the recipe. In that moment I felt so amazing that she took the time out her busy day to find a recipe that calls for no eggs for at least one of the five bacthes she made.
Then, a couple of minutes later when all 6 of us begin the cookies and she jokingly shoved the cookie in my mouth. Shortly after, I began to notice hives appearing on the arm. Then I began to feel my chest tighten, my arms and my chest became extremely itchy and hives began to appear quickly. When she saw this happening she then realized that she forgot about the peanut butter.
Immediately, I ran to my room searching for Benadryl, but all I could find was my Epipen. My roommate got his truck and drove me to the hospital as I injected my Epipen into my leg. No when we got to the hospital we entered in the wrong side and had to run all the way through the hospital to get to the emergency room. I am surprised that I was actually running. I told the ER nurse what happened and was instantly wheel chaired into a room for treatment.
Once I was in a room I was instructed to change into a hospital gown. After that was on the Nurse laid me down and started an IV. Right after the IV was ready the doctor and another Nurse came in with a whole bunch of drugs and it was as though the nurses and doctor could not get them in soon enough.
After I was stable again the Nurses found and printed out 17 recipes for deserts that I could eat! They were such amazing, compassionate people and I hope that I can be even close to that when I finish my Nursing degree in 3 years.
And the worst part about the whole fiasco is that I now know how amazing peanut butter really is. I will never be able to go back to my sunflower butter, almond butter and wall butter again. My friends and family have lied to me all these years swearing on their life that it tastes the exact same. At least I have wonderful people in my life that are willing to lie about that.
**TL; DR** I had an amazing chocolate peanut no bake cookies and had to spend 10 hours in a hospital.
downhillcarver: Yeah, sorry to let you know, Peanut Butter is pretty much heaven on earth. And don't go near Nutella unless you've got a death wish, one taste and you'll decide it's worth dying of anaphalactic shock.
mretzloff: Well actually, I can eat Nutella thank god. It's just peanuts that will kill me haha
downhillcarver: You are the luckiest nut allergenic person I've ever met.
mretzloff: Yeah I'm very fortunate to not be allergic to tree nuts, just Peanuts
Wiiplay123: Peanuts are legumes! :D
mretzloff: You are a smart cookie!
JackyFlack: Ahhhhh? Ahhhhhh??? Cookie? Cooooooookie????
sorry I'll go now
mretzloff: i'm glad someone got it haha
| 9 | 16.555556 | |
1395773801 | 1396021125 | t3_21cexm | t5_2to41 | 158 | TheJizzonator: TIFU by having an hour long meeting with a professor with a huge dried jizz stain on the back of my laptop
Title pretty much tells it. It wasn't an inconspicuous stain by any means, either. Does this count as a power move? I'm trying not to be completely embarrassed by it, so I'm just going to say I was establishing dominance.
missing_Bullets: So yeah. I just realized what that stain on my laptop was.
iheartdewey: Is it at least *your* stain?
iloveyouman123: Cum on, that's inappropriate.
ProblemPie: Jizzus Christ, guys.
| 5 | 31.6 | |
1395778416 | 1395930290 | t3_21cn6n | t5_2to41 | 83 | [deleted]: TIFU by shitting my pants at work.
I feel some pressure building up in my stomach after Lunch so i went to my work's bathroom. All 3 of the toilets were taken by other people so i decided to pee instead in an urinal. The pressure came back a few seconds later and I was like : "Oh let me fart it might help" BAD IDEA. It felt really warm in my pants and I was like Oh fuck... So one of the toilet got empty and one of my coworker was washing his hands as i approach him. I said with a scared look : "I just shit my pants" as I proceed to go in the toilet to clean myself up, my coworker gave me some pants he had so he kinda saved me there. He also gave me a ride back home with my garbage bag full of shit stained pants.
So yeah, im pretty sure people at work will laugh at me but if they do, I will tell them, YEAH I SHIT MY PANTS WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL???
tl;dr : I shit my pants at work and one of my coworker saved my ass...Literally.
edit: Grammar
EPIDIDYMIS_HUMMUS: Reset the counter.
sgt_roflman: came here to say exactly that
Extramrdo: How far did we get?
wildwafle: About 3 minutes
| 5 | 16.6 | |
1395779322 | 1395802126 | t3_21coso | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by botching my easiest final.
So actually I tucked up last week, but grades came out today, so today I found out I fucked up. I was taking 3 classes last quarter, 1 very difficult upper division programming class, an upper level circuits class, and a pretty basic engineering class. Well I spent all finals week focusing on my harder classes, studying for my lower level class very minimally. I had the time to put more studying in, but I didn't because I was so burnt out from my other classes. Well I failed the final and didn't pass the class. Now I may have to extend my graduation date, which could lead to problems with my scholar ship. So there it is, my latest duck up.
qtamadeus: You have a ship with scholars on it?
XFluffyDragonX: You don't?
| 3 | 6 | |
1395783478 | 1395847728 | t3_21cwd2 | t5_2to41 | 59 | [deleted]: TIFU by pooping on my carpet
Around 9am this morning I was peacefully waking up in that semi-conscious feels-nice kinda state. I got out of bed, naked, and stood surveying my room while thinking about my day to come. Like any reasonable person does when alone and at home, I let out a little fart. As soon as I passed the point of no return, though, I realized that this was a dangerous fart, and then I heard my asshole make the wettest of all fart noises. Shit.
So basically there was this little puddle of liquid poop on my carpet floor, and this all happened within 5 seconds of me getting up. Thankfully no one else was home, and thankfully my carpet is a dark blue. Still though. I felt so fucking stupid for just having shit on the floor—like this didn't even deserve the title "shart"—my liquid shit hit the ground as definitely and unabashedly as a real poop hits the toilet. And from my bare ass too.
I spent my next waking moments cleaning this up; and for good measure I poured a little coffee on the spot, as if that would override my shitting on the carpet.
Be careful of your farts.
robertmeowneyjr: And like the coming of the tides, the counter resets to 0...
Geaux_joel: Please excuse my naivety, what does it mean for one to reset the counter?
Kaezar69: The counter is reset whenever someone shits themself.
Geaux_joel: Alright, thanks for the knowlage
ThegreatPee: It has never made it past a day. Some say it never will.
Geaux_joel: The legend of the counter reset
| 7 | 8.428571 | |
1395785802 | 1395786345 | t3_21d0t3 | t5_2to41 | 28 | BlindMusician: TIFU by rubbing my penis on a (probably) 14 year old girl
I'm 17, which makes this situation a little less worse than what you may have been suspecting. Anyways:
I went to our school dance just last Friday with my a few of my friends. This is the most informal of our school dances. As usual for my 6' 6" self, I wore American flag shorts (for day ladies). I get there, techno music bumpin', ladies being scantily clad, and my eyes set on grinding.
2 hours go by, "danced" with a handful of girls in my senior class, and I still have an hour left. I've spent most of the next half hour moving to various areas on the floor and I spot a group of short-shorted attractive young girls. I don't think much of it and dive in. One of the girls slowly approaches me, so I comply by going behind her to grind. For some reason, people start staring at me, which was odd compared to other times that night where nobody batted an eye. After the song ends we walk away from each other and I approach my friend, Quang, who is a junior. He makes it violently aware that that girl was only around 14.
TL;DR: Grinded my average-size $chween into a innocent girls back side.
alpineliam: On a different topic but relevant when I moved to Italy I was pretty shocked to find out the age of consent is 14 years old and there is even a close in age exception that means 13 year olds can sleep with 15 year olds. This story brought this back to mind.
Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ages_of_consent_in_Europe#Italy
autowikibot: #####&#009;
######&#009;
####&#009;
Section 39. [**Italy**](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ages_of_consent_in_Europe#Italy) of article [**Ages of consent in Europe**](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ages%20of%20consent%20in%20Europe): [](#sfw)
---
>The age of consent in Italy is __14__ years, with a close-in-age exception that allows those aged 13 to engage in sexual activity with partners who are less than 3 years older. The age of consent rises to 16 if one of the participants has some kind of influence on the other (e.g. teacher, tutor, adoptive parent, priest). Not knowing that the victim is underage is not a legal defence, except it was unavoidable ignorance. If the minor involved is under the age of 10, the crime can be punished even without a complaint and the punishment is aggravated. It is also illegal to perform sexual acts in the presence of a minor aged less than 14 with the intent of allowing the minor to witness the acts, even if they do not take an active part.
>
---
^Interesting: [^Age ^of ^consent](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Age_of_consent) ^| [^Ages ^of ^consent ^in ^Africa](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ages_of_consent_in_Africa) ^| [^Ages ^of ^consent ^in ^Oceania](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ages_of_consent_in_Oceania) ^| [^Ages ^of ^consent ^in ^North ^America](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ages_of_consent_in_North_America)
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| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1395779902 | 1395804134 | t3_21cpvz | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by not being able to math or use common sense.
TIFU because I was supposed to buy 200 regular stamps for our wedding invites, or 300 if they were too heavy for regular postage. (At my mom's behest -- she is helping us with wedding planning)
The woman at the post office said that the weight of the invite was just over the limit for using a regular stamp, told me they had slighty more expensive ones that would work, and also asked if i would need return address stamps (which could be the regular priced ones).
I proceeded to buy 200 of the more expensive stamps, and 200 of the regular stamps.......what i forgot/did not correctly reason is that we only have about 100 invites, so i only needed 100 of each.
Now my mom is very mad at me, and i am kicking myself for being such a dumbass.
**TL;DR** - think things through and pay attention in math class, mmmkay?
triggsbonks: Save the regular stamps for thank you notes :)
TechnicalPony: Boom, done. Tell her this will save in the long run, plus you can always use stamps anyway. Send her a letter with a stamp, just to be sassy.
| 3 | 4 | |
1395795228 | 1395813776 | t3_21dgqm | t5_2to41 | 31 | [deleted]: TIFU by pissing before a random drug test
I am in highschool and my school does random drug tests. They give you the note right before lunch and I happen to always piss right before lunch. I only ever have to go like twice a day and ended up having to sit awkwardly with the lab guy and the dean of disipline until I had to pee again. It was the worst experience of my life so far. they only let you drink an 8 oz water bottle every 30 minutes and I was dehydrated. It took 3 hours.
hoopycat: Not your problem. They're the ones paying for it. What else were you going to do for those three hours?
chrisnmarie: smoke
g1993: Some weed :p
| 4 | 7.75 | |
1395788614 | 1395938261 | t3_21d5kl | t5_2to41 | 21 | diggerB: TIFU at Roll Up the Rim to Win!
Well, actually, TIL that I've been fucking up the whole time...
So I've been getting my daily coffee or two at Tim Horton's since they started the RUtRtW promotion this year. Every day it's the same thing... go to Timmie's, get a double-double, drink it, and roll up the rim. "PLEASE PLAY AGAIN" is the invariable result. I've never had this much bad luck... I've always won at least 1 free coffee a week. Not this time.
Turns out, the cups this year actually have TWO spots to roll up. I've only been doing the one with the blue arrow, which only offers the grand prize (the car). No lesser prizes on that side. The yellow arrow points to the one where most of the prizes are.
[deleted]: This is going to get downvoted to oblivion but I have to say it amyway; the part where you fucked up is by going to tim horton's in the first place. Yuk...
diggerB: I'm not going to downvote you, because I am somewhat of a connoisseur (well, at least an *amateur* in the traditional sense of the word) of coffee. I find that a Timmy's double-double is like comfort food, kind of like Kraft Dinner... not "good" by any any stretch of the imagination but strangely fulfilling in an almost spiritual sense.
| 3 | 7 | |
1395795425 | 1395801649 | t3_21dh49 | t5_2to41 | 4 | znyk: TIFU By eating a lot of salt.
I wasn't really hungry, but I wanted the taste of delicious food in my mouth. My solution was to taste a bunch of spice mixes that I've got lying around. One of them was the naturally delicious taco seasoning, so I kept licking some off my hand. Now I've eaten about three days' worth of salt.
It gets worse: to compensate for the huge amount of salt, I drank about a full half gallon (weighed myself for shits and giggles--gained four pounds of water) of cold water. I'm now shivering in my extreme cold, feel uncomfortably full of water, and my tongue is numb from all the salt.
IceGlow: Just rest for now. I'm a huge water drinker and I have been too full of water on some occasions.
znyk: I feel better now, thanks. Been sitting in a recliner until the shivers stopped. Now I have to pee.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1395792963 | 1395815536 | t3_21dcxo | t5_2to41 | 12 | Akasa_Fox: TIFU by listening to GWAR.
As many of you know, Dave Brockie, the lead singer of GWAR passed away the other day, and after hearing the tragic news, I decided to honor the band, and his legacy by blasting GWAR during my drive to school.
When I parked, I switched to my headphones, and walked across campus to class. When I got to class, I walked to the seat that I normally sit at, pulled my phone out of my pocket, and unplugged my headphones. Assuming that my phone would automatically pause the music, as it normally does, I didn't bother to stop the music before I pulled my headphones out; big mistake.
As soon as I pulled my headphones, music started blasting out of the speaker. Now this wouldn't generally be much of a problem, except the song I was listening to, was "Pre-Skool Prostitute," and wouldn't you know it, it was right at the beginning where Oderus Urungus shouts "Pre School Prostitute" a few times, loudly. Thankfully my phone paused itself a few seconds later, I guess it must have lagged; needless to say however, this instantly made me the center of attention, to both my classmates, and my forensics professor.
I'm just thankful it wasn't a number of other GWAR songs, it might have made things more interesting...
emotionalhusk: At least it wasn't Rock and Roll Never Felt So Good...
Akasa_Fox: Or Fuckin an animal...
| 3 | 4 | |
1395802146 | 1395817667 | t3_21dsmr | t5_2to41 | 97 | TheScrotumSlicer: TIFU by slicing my scrotum...
Reddit, today I fucked up by slicing my scrotum…
Background
I’m not a very hairy person, little chest hair, can’t grow much facial hair, etc. However, for some reason, I got the pubic hair gene and I can grow that shit like crazy. Sort of disappointing, honestly.
Now, I had a girlfriend a few month back and while we were together, I was sure to keep that region groomed and under control. However we broke up and so I didn’t have much need to mow the lawn, so to speak.
Well, the past few weeks have been growing more and more uncomfortable due to the length of the hair down there. Not unbearable, just uncomfortable. Typically, I would use and old pair of my dad’s clippers (yeah, that’s another story) to take care of things, but it broke about the same time my girlfriend and I broke up.
Today
So today I finally went to the store to get a set of clippers. I didn’t care too much about brand since I only had one use for it. I get to the store, find one I like for $8.99. I read the side and see it’s only a 4-piece set, with the shortest setting at 3mm. I pick up the one right next to it and see it’s an 8-piece set with the shortest setting at 1.5mm AND is had ’self-sharpening blades'. I like to keep things short so I don’t have to trim as often. And heck, it was $14.99, couldn’t go wrong, or so I thought.
So I decided to go with the clippers which had a shorter setting and the self-sharpening blades… a decision I would soon regret.
The Incident
I bring them home, throw them in the closet and wait until my parents leave. Once they are gone, I pull everything out to get ready; towel, paper towels, clippers, comb, etc. I do a final sweep of the house to make sure no one is home, then begin the process.
I snap on the 1.5mm attachment and I take care of the upper part gloriously. Nice and short, clean cut, perfect. I work around the sides and getting underneath all nice. Last part comes the scrotum, and this is where I made the terrible mistake. I should have put on the 3mm setting rather than the 1.5mm, buuuut I didn’t.
I'm working my way down the shaft to the base and onto the scrotum, then it happened.
I heard and felt the clippers grab and I immediately jerked away with a sharp pain. At first, it wasn’t too bad, a little bit of blood, not too painful. Then, I put the clippers down and inspected a little more. What I thought was a little grab was actually about a 3/4 inch incision of my scrotum which may or may not have gone all the way through. The blood really started to flow at this point. I’m obviously no medical expert, but now I feel my face turning red in fear of me needing to go to the hospital and explain my fuck up. I got up and grabbed another paper towel to start to dab it. In a rush to finish the job, I picked up the clippers to finish. That's when I found a small piece of my scrotum hanging from the blades. Now, I usually don’t become nauseous or faint at the sight of blood, but that’s when I started to get the tunnel vision.
Next thing I know, I wake up slumped over in my chair naked, blood on my scrotum and penis, a pair of clippers on the floor, and my ears are ringing and I’m feeling like I need to throw up. I put some basketball shorts on and stagger into the kitchen to poor a glass of water and come back into my room and lay on my bed because I’m feeling so sick.
Once I'm feel slightly better, I finish what little was left, cleaned up, and put everything away. Now, I’m laying in bed, afraid to move because I don’t want to incision to open up. I dabbed it with water to clean it up and keep it from getting infected. I've been keeping an eye on it and I don’t see any fluid or any more blood coming out. I Googled it and apparently I’m not the only one. I’m now making a pact with myself to not watch porn or masturbate for a few days in fear up opening the incision with an erection. I’ll be sure to sleep on my back tonight too.
TL;DR: I bought a new set of clippers and sliced my scrotum the first time I used them. I then proceeded to faint and now, I’m laying in bed feeling pretty nauseous and stupid.
OnyxEcho: OP, I know it would be a little hard to tell what happened, but if you feel this is not comfortable, see a doctor. It would be bad to have a bad cut turn to something worse.
TheScrotumSlicer: So, it's not that it's uncomfortable. In fact, it doesn't hurt at all. And now that it has been a few hours, it doesn't look bad at all. Maybe it's wishful thinking, but if it gets weird during the night or tomorrow, I'll probably go in. Too bad you can't use a "throw away" when going into a doctor. >,<
GundamWang: Well, thankfully, the worst that can happen is that the internals of your sack gets infected and they have to remove portions of both your scrotum and your testicles. And then some dude in his residency will sneak out a photo and your infected ballsack will begin its journey as a shock photo sent amongst high schoolers.
downhillcarver: You're good at this whole reassurance thing! Are you a school therapist or something?
| 5 | 19.4 | |
1395810706 | 1395893957 | t3_21e474 | t5_2to41 | 13 | failedaclass: TIFU by failing a class
It was a tough class. It was the last one I needed in order to graduate from college. Now, I have to stay back another semester. This will cost me $4000 in tuition plus whatever money I could have earned by working.
j00sr: > plus whatever money I could have earned by working
Well, at least you understand opportunity costs.
failedaclass: That's not very comforting, though.
TPCTimesThree: Give it five years. You'll look back and realize how insignificant it was.
Then wait another 45 years. Then it *really* won't matter.
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1395808809 | 1395975217 | t3_21e1vd | t5_2to41 | 37 | Lewan72: TIFU by talking about my sexual frustrations in the staircase.
At school today, me and my friend were walking down a staircase afterschool where its usually empty. Of course as guys left alone we began to start talking about girls and in particular these two girls that we were friends with. I said something along the lines of "Oh yeah I totally want to fuck x and y".
A flight or two later we run into the two girls who were with some of their friends walking upwards. We were all silent crossing each other and that was probably one of the most embarassing moments I've had.
_Hamburger_: Worst case scenario: they don't want to fuck you, life goes on
Best case scenario: they want to fuck you
Monso: >Worst case scenario: they don't want to fuck you, life goes on
>~~Best~~Good case scenario: they want to fuck you
Best case scenario: they both want to fuck you at the same time.
AccidentalRebel72: Absolute best case scenario: they both want to fuck you at the same time on the staircase
| 4 | 9.25 | |
1395816989 | 1395857461 | t3_21eaaq | t5_2to41 | 22 | Cats_n_Porn: TIFU by letting some asshole steal my phone, practially right in front of me
I work pizza delivery. I tend to leave my car unlocked and my phone in my car. I know, stupid. I also like to think people aren't such pieces of shit that they would go into my unlocked car and steal my shit in broad daylight, but it happened and now I know better.
I could have caught the fucker though. It was about 4 PM, not too busy. I had about 15 minutes until my next delivery so I went across the street to 7-11 for some taquitos. I hadn't eaten since breakfast so I was really hungry. I came back with them and I noticed some dude was over by my car, which was parked a little ways away from the building because all the other spots were full. I sort of thought he was a little suspicious, but I didn't pay him any mind because I had taquitos and I was eating them and enjoying the fresh air and sun. He then walked right past me while I was standing there completely oblivious. I went in and got my next run, took it to my car, and found my phone was missing.
Then, like a fucking moron that I am, instead of driving around and looking for this fucking fucker, I went and took that fucking delivery. He couldn't have gone far. I saw which direction he went even. I feel like I missed two chances of catching this fucker, once when he was nearly caught in the act, and again when I finally realized he did it and was still nearby. It might have been a good thing I didn't go looking, because I was (and still am) so pissed about it I might have run the fucker over. If not that, I would have definitely confronted him, and who knows how that could have gone down. I like to imagine I would intimidate him or overpower him. Pin his ass to the ground and yell for someone to call the cops while I hold him down. Smash his fucking face into the concrete and break his fucking nose. More than likely I would have gotten myself hurt though. I wanted to hurt him though. I wanted to hurt someone. I wanted to break shit and scream obscenities at the top of my lungs. Instead I took yet another delivery after that, fuming the whole time, before I finally told my boss I had to leave early to deal with my phone being stolen.
So I left. Went to the AT&T store, and bought a new fucking phone. And now I can't fucking sleep because I'm still filled with rage about this mother fucker who I could have caught red handed if I had been a little more aware of what was going on around me, and less caught up in my fucking taquitos. On the one hand, it's my own damn fault for leaving my car unlocked, but on the other hand, people shouldn't be such pieces of shit. Oh well, lesson learned.
Vovix1: If it's a smartphone, remotely activate the GPS and find the location of the phone.
Cats_n_Porn: Can't do that when the phone is turned off.
Kubatcha: Yes you cab
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1395823016 | 1395948508 | t3_21eeu7 | t5_2to41 | 2,583 | Abondben: TIFU by trying to dry my nuts
So I spend a lot of time in compression shorts, because I play sports, and work out at the gym. Today I had to do some errands after going to the gym so it took me a while to get to a shower, which bugs me because I have a fear of getting jock itch...It isn't something you want to deal with twice. So I was anxious to get out of the tight, dirty compression shorts and have a nice shower to keep my lil' guys out of harm's way.
So I finally got home, took a shower, got all squeaky clean and everything, but I had to go the extra step. I wanted to be as dry as could be, for the sake of my nads, in the resistance of jock itch. So I decided to take my Vornado fan, crank it to the max, and let my junk flap in the wind like a flag on a windy day. The only catch is that my fan has no cover on it anymore...I was getting a little bored, so I switched the fan to my left hand and started checking my phone with my other hand, and slowly I let the Vornado drift towards the danger zone.
All of a sudden, my dick gets snagged in between the blades. It must have done at least three full circulations with the fan before I could let go. You literally could have done jump rope with my dick. I uttered some horrible squeal, dropped the fan right on my toe. The fan shattered. I fell to the ground. My mom rushed into my room to see me crumpled up on the ground naked with my dick throbbing the color of a hotdog. I am still mentally recovering.
tl;dr: Tried to dry my nuts off with a fan after a shower. Dick turned into a mini jump rope by getting stuck in the fan blades. Then my mom saw me naked.
angryherbivore: Good lord, kid. My son is not even a year old yet, but I see the things I have to look forward to...
Try using a hairdryer on low. Held a good distance from your business. Also excellent for post-coital, post-shower drying off.
capecodcaper: This is the best way. It keeps that post shower chill away
jasonofcompsci: Or possibly using a towel.
Spookymomma: Towels are nasty. They harbor all sorts of ass cheese from other people and I for one am not a fan of them. I'd much rather use a dryer or fan. If you use an air source to dry your pits re you apply deodorant it will be more effective and last longer.
That_Deaf_Guy: >from other people
Individual towels, maybe?
Also, you get out the shower clean and dry yourself using a towel, therefore (theoretically) the towel is clean. No germs, forever invincible.
Spookymomma: Not with a teen aged boy in the house. They have no sense of "this is mine, that is yours."
I play it safe and just don't use it. I can get out of the shower, turn on the tall oscillating bladeless fan, brush my teeth, apply face cream, and whatever other daily regiment I may have, and by the time I'm done, I'm dry. Apply pit spritz and get dressed. No funky towel, no germs.
That_Deaf_Guy: I have no idea what you mean by the teenage boy part. I've had my own individual towel since forever, through my teens etc. Hell, it's common sense that a towel is for individuals, I think you have to explain that to the teenager.
Spookymomma: Common sense and teen aged boy doesn't even belong in the same sentence.
Osmodius: What the fuck kind of feral house hold did you grow up? Ex-teenage boy here: we understand the concept of "own towel".
Spookymomma: I guess the others in the house just don't get the concept of each person has their own towel. I always had my own and never used anyone's but they just don't get it, no matter how loud I get they just grab whatever is nearest and use it.
PhonyUsername: Walk out of shower into common area. Removd towel revealing your manhood. Commence drying balls and ass while sharing eye contact with all the people. Hold up towel for all to see and say 'mine'. Dominance obtained.
Spookymomma: That would be an amazing trick, especially since I am female.
PhonyUsername: Channel your inner penis.
Spookymomma: Honey, if I could do that, life around me would much more enjoyable.
PhonyUsername: You could borrow mine sometime. Sharing is caring.
Spookymomma: [You smooth talker.](http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mbwy9cVdqS1rdvimno1_250.gif)
PhonyUsername: Nice. Fun stuff.
| 18 | 143.5 | |
1395846432 | 1396058762 | t3_21erzl | t5_2to41 | 8 | Banhammer40000: Like I don't feel bad enough about it already saying these dumbass things to a guy I'm working for, I gotta be berated by you?
This sub is called "Today ***I FUCKED UP***", right? It's not "I made a socially unacceptable mistake come kick me in the ass while I'm feeling bad enough about it already", right? Do you think you calling me names is making me feel better in any way?
You've violated rule 5 on the subreddit. So you either have poor reading comprehension skills, don't give a shit about the rules, or you feel that the rules don't apply to you.
I'm going to go with the first one, since you failed to make the connection between the remorse I felt at sticking my foot in my mouth with fat shaming and the latter two would make you an asshole also.
The education system has failed you. I am so sorry about that. It's not too late, though. Turn off your computer and open up a book.
i_pk_pjers_i: To be fair, you are prejudice and you are telling people that the education system failed someone else... You shouldn't be judging people so easily, ESPECIALLY based on their apperance. Judging people based on actions is one thing, but judging them based on their appearance is just wrong IMO.
oc148: Dude your pathetic. You commented like 5 times on here probly because your butthurt that your fat. To be fair, every fat person I know is lazy and they try and bring me down to the level they are on just because I'm not fat. They call my outdoor hobbies "gay" and try and make me unhealthy. It's just a GENERALIZATION. yes there are some that don't fit that mold but a lot do. I don't hate fat people, until that individual person tries to ruin me or exhibits other bad qualities. Then I dislike that person.
Stop justifying unhealthy habits. Judging people of physical aperance is just fine with me. Next your going to be complaining because mining companies don't hire fat people. They're not equal in a job environment. They can't get around as well and you need that in a lot of jobs. Have at me buddy, I'd like to see what you have to say. Maybe change my opinion! Thanks!
i_pk_pjers_i: You are being prejudice and you are personally attacking me just because I am currently slightly overweight (I was VERY overweight but I lost 50 pounds, but you wouldn't know anything about that because you would rather just attack me ad hominem and judge me before you know me rather than get to know me). Your comment is in direct violation of rule 5, and I really hope it gets removed. Have a nice day.
oc148: That's great that you lost the weight. Continue down the right path! I love seeing people change their life like that. I wasn't attacking you btw. I was just saying some reasons that can get me to dislike an overweight person. I don't think you understood that and just saw it as me somehow attacking you.
i_pk_pjers_i: >Dude your pathetic. You commented like 5 times on here probly because your butthurt that your fat.
.
>I don't think you understood that and just saw it as me somehow attacking you.
???????????????????????????
Pretty sure that's a personal attack against me and it's against the rules.
oc148: Well it's true right? I can say that you were attacking the op. So what. You had to make multiple comments saying how terrible he was because he accidentally said fat people are lazy.
i_pk_pjers_i: Except I never claimed HE was terrible, I claimed his ACTIONS were terrible. You went out and called me butthurt and pathetic, not my ACTIONS butthurt and pathetic. There is a difference here.
oc148: Ok well you know I meant your actions. I clarified that by saying"you left 5 comments" or somthing like that. Why do you need to be so offended? I can understand if you want to debate my view point. But your really gonna go down the feelings road?
| 9 | 0.888889 | |
1395801186 | 1395932648 | t3_21dr3o | t5_2to41 | 22 | IceGlow: TIFU by waxing
I've been a long time lurker on this sub, but the day finally came that I screwed up enough to have a post here.
I've grown tired of shaving and decided to start waxing unwanted hair instead. I did my legs, and underarms, then I went for the bikini area. I decided to would be a good idea to just wax all of it off, to see how it grows back. So I grab a wax strip and apply it to the edges of my vagina. I took it off, and noticed how not all of the hair in that spot came off with the wax strip. Also, it left a lot of wax on my skin. So I use another one, which pulls off some more hair. It left some pulled out but stuck to the wax from the first try. By this time I realize it's time to stop and wash the wax off. **But it's not coming off! And neither is the pulled out hair that stuck to the wax from the first strip.** By this time I realize how screwed I am. I decide the best I can do to fix this for now is to pull off the chunks of hair that were *already pulled out of my skin*, but just stuck in the wax. So I do just that. But it is difficult, annoying, and it hurts. I did the best I could and decide to get dressed. My underwear now sticks to me, and when I walk, skin sticks together and unsticks, causing me discomfort and pain. I really messed up today.
IAMATimeTravellerAMA: The wax will not come off with water; you need something oil based. But after having tried waxing on myself once, I knew it was nothing for me, and had it done at a waxing studio. It didn't hurt less, but afterwards it was all smooth, and there was no wax left on my skin!
ZAGD: Yeah, I always use vegtable or olive oil to get the wax off, only a few scrapes and it comes off a treat!
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1395846599 | 1397840823 | t3_21f3ao | t5_2to41 | 44 | Ru93: TIFU by not noticing a typo in my Master's application
"...I wish to complete my studies the Scotland." IN Scotland. :(
Just after I said that English wasn't my first language as well. Just great. This is for my absolute first choice as well. Now I'll definitely not get in.
I've read and re-read this document so much, how did I not see it before sending it??! :( :( :(
BottledUp: Don't worry. I've seen enough résumés of native English speakers that have plenty of spelling and grammar mistakes. They won't even notice and even if they do, they'll see that it's just an editing mistake, not something that will make them think you can't speak English.
Ru93: It's just one word but it makes the sentence look so dumb... :(
moochie94: How long will it be before you find out?
Ru93: I think around a month or so.
moochie94: Ok, well good luck, I hope you get it.
Ru93: I got it :D
moochie94: Congratulations!
Ru93: Thank yooooooou I'm so happy!!
moochie94: I hope you have a wonderful time.
Ru93: Thank you! It's only a conditional offer so I need to graduate with a good grade. Even if I do, it's a VERY expensive masters, I applied thinking I wouldn't get accepted, now I don't know how I'm going to pay for it...
I'm rambling, sorry. Thank you!
moochie94: Well you made it this far, so I'm sure you will be able to go all the way.
| 12 | 3.666667 | |
1395851780 | 1395854401 | t3_21fc4m | t5_2to41 | 6 | ReihEhcsaSlaSthcin: TIFU By Trying To Give My Granddaughter Money
Tht1nick: This is what hapened in breaking bad not your life... This is from mikes perspective
Quatzecoatl: Thank you so much, I never would have been able to figure that out... /s
| 3 | 2 | |
1395863098 | 1395871687 | t3_21fwb7 | t5_2to41 | 26 | throwaway109109: TIFU by accidentally bringing my katana to school
(Not actually today, but last year)
So I go to a high school in Georgia, and I was walking down the hall to my first class when some kid walks up to me and shoves me. I get picked on a lot (seeing as I'm the kind of guy who spends his time on Reddit and goes to DragonCon), so this wasn't that abnormal. He punches me in the face, which is extreme even for the assholes at my school, and laughs - I suspect he was high, this kid (who shall remain nameless) often is. I reach for the pepper spray I keep in my side pocket of my backpack, but I can't find it (possessing pepper spray without the intent to cause a disturbance isn't against the school rules). I reach my hand into my semi-open bag and grab a metal cylinder that I think is the can of pepper spray - I wasn't planning on using it, just for making the kid back off so I can get a teacher - but what I actually pull out is my Japanese samurai sword, a katana. I had bought it at DragonCon the previous week-end, and forgot to take it out of my bag. Needless to say, pulling a 3-foot blade in a school is entirely against the law, and I was suspended for quite some time (I think about a week) and had a category II weapon put on my permanent record, making college apps very hard for me this year.
**TL; DR:** I forgot I had a katana in my bag and got myself suspended on possession of a category II weapon
**Ninja Edit:** [Here](http://school.fultonschools.org/es/mimosa/Documents/Code%20of%20Conduct.pdf) is the rule book for our county, you can look for yourself and see that I'm not bullshitting about the rules (people on this sub have been known not to be very trusting, for good reason.)
Prepare_To_Be_Woo-ed: >pulling a 3-foot blade
How big is your backpack?
dralcax: 3 feet?
ElGoddamnDorado: Pretty sure the blade was attached to a hilt.
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1395863920 | 1395935833 | t3_21fxu8 | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally making a Malaysian Flight 370 Joke
I work with some very conservative, very serious people. As in, no joking around permitted, and morbid/offensive jokes are beyond the pale.
Anyway, last night I left my phone charger at work. When I got home, my phone was low on battery so I set it into "Airplane Mode" as to shut off the WiFi and cellular connection to save power. I placed it somewhere and then went about my night.
The next morning, I couldn't find the damn thing. I tried calling it with my neighbour's phone, but it didn't ring. Airplane mode. I even tried logging into "Find my iPhone" and searching for it, but since WiFi and cell data were turned off, it couldn't locate its current location. I went back to searching the "old fashioned way" and eventually found it. (It had slid between the couch cushions.)
So I get to work late and my boss asks me why. I told her, straight faced, that I couldn't find my phone because I put it into Airplane Mode. She thought I was making an MH370 joke. She did not take it well.
CaptainCazio: Are you retarded or what? Why didn't you just say you couldn't find your phone? Was the airplane mode part even necessary?
KristyConfused: What's the easiest way to find a lost cellphone?
CALL IT.
What happens if the phone is on airplane mode when you call it?
IT GOES TO VOICEMAIL.
If it's well-hidden, having it on airplane mode will make it extremely hard to find. I'm surprised I have to explain this to anyone on Reddit.
CaptainCazio: What the hell are you trying to explain? I was asking why it was necessary for OP to tell his boss that his phone was on airplane mode when he could have just as easily said "I couldn't find my phone."
TPCTimesThree: Why do you even care?
[deleted]: Looking at his comment history, I think he is a troll
| 6 | 2.833333 | |
1395864277 | 1395922073 | t3_21fygr | t5_2to41 | 98 | [deleted]: TIFU and flung dog poop high into the air, onto my house, and onto my sweater
So I'm taking the little guy (3 month old pup) for a walk and he takes a big poop. Good job buddy!
I picked it up like a good citizen and was headed back to my apartment. There is no garbage can nearby so I usually collect it in a bag and leave it on my second floor balcony for when I take the trash out.
I was about to enter my apartment complex when I got the brilliant idea to simply toss the (non-closeable) baggie onto the balcony from the ground. It's only about 10-15 feet high, shouldn't be a problem at all!
Like the doofus I am, I threw it under hand and it caught on my pinky sending the poop flying outwards in random directions. One nugget decided to curl instantly back at me, onto my left shoulder and leave a poop mark on a rather new sweater.
The rest of the poop flung directly at my balcony/the side of the building and made little poop marks and landed everywhere.
So then there was dog shit everywhere, and then I felt like the biggest dingus in the history of pringuses.
**TL;DR**
I was feeling quite excited and my dog he was delighted when he plopped a fresh poop outside.
I scooped it in a bag and headed to my bachelor pad yet the bag it still remained un-tied.
I was feeling pretty lazy, and got an idea super crazy, to toss the poop onto my balcony divide.
Well, the poop it did fly, all over me and my house side, so I sat there in the grass and cried.
lordoffiles: Your TL;DR needs a TL;DR.
mykro76: OP went full monkey. Aim was bad.
lordoffiles: I lol'ed.
| 4 | 24.5 | |
1395873307 | 1396038482 | t3_21geg1 | t5_2to41 | 73 | ipeedthrowaway1: TIFU by wetting the bed
I am so ashamed. It's 3:49 am here, and I am writing this cause I can't sleep no more...
**Backstory**: I am 28 yrs old. My house was fumigated yesterday for bed bugs, so me and my husband couldn't sleep at our place cause of the smell. We went to our neighbour's house for the night. Our neighbours are a couple, with a 5 yr old kid.
My husband got beers, and we drank (Just me, husband and the neighbour... his wife doesn't drink)... I only had 2, when we ran out of beers, and I took on whiskey. Had a couple of pegs when we called it a night.
They do not have a separate guest bedroom with a double bed, instead they have 2 single beds, one in spare bedroom and one in the living room. So I slept with the kid and wife in the master bedroom, while my husband and the neighbour slept in separate rooms.
**The fuck up**: I don't know when it happened. I just woke up in the middle of night and I had an urge to pee.. I got up to pee and I realised that my bottoms are wet. The bed is kind of wet...I went to the bathroom and finished business but that must have been the second time in the night I peed, cause obviously, the first time, I didn't wake up. I didn't even have a dream. I just woke up to a wet bed, and wet underpants.
I am so ashamed...I shared the bed with a 5 yrd old kid (and his mom) and I AM THE ONE TO WET THE BED. I don't even remember being that drunk!
I sneaked out of the there and have come back to my house. I am hoping by the time they wake up, the bed would have dried up. (It wasn't a lot of pee, but it did get the mattress wet ...I am so badly hoping that it would dry up enough by the morning). Probably I could say I spilled water.. probably I could say I was feeling hot (they don't have an ac) and that's why I came back to my house.. I don't know what to do...I just hope they don't find out...
**UPDATE**: So I went back to their house in the morning...went to the bedroom and checked the bed. ITS DRY!! Even the mattress...The neighbours were still sleeping so they don't know about it...AND THEY NEVER WILL. I know it may smell later, probably the kid would be blamed at some point...But its done. I will not confess, I will take this to my grave.
kerrylouise: The kid is probably going to get the blame...
Jonas_soe: Yeah he's probably gonna wet his bed several times yet. Kids piss on stuff, it can't be helped. Drunk adults occasionally do it too.
ipeedthrowaway1: You know what's worse...before going to bed, I asked the parents,"your kid doesn't wet the bed does he?"...dammit . I will never sleep there again.
| 4 | 18.25 | |
1395805008 | 1395886726 | t3_21dwtx | t5_2to41 | 16 | eewwee: TIFU by eating ice cream for dinner
graphic poo story to ensue. you have been warned.
my college campus has a convenience store where you can use your meal plan money to buy various necessities and snacks. lucky for me this store is right across from my residence hall, and they sell Ben & Jerry's. nearing the end of the semester, less and less fucks are being given by all. so one fine evening I am on duty. I am an RA [resident advisor], and every night one or two RAs hang out in the office for the evening to assist with lockouts, complaints, etc. we also go on rounds of the building every hour to ensure no shenanigans are happening.
anyhoo, this evening I realize I need to eat dinner. after already clocking in and not being able to leave the building whilst on duty, I pop down to my room to see what food I have. as I said, end of the semester. provisions are running low. but wait! a brand new pint of Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Therapy. perfect. I down the pint with the notion that ice cream is dairy and dairy is good for you and also there are studies that say chocolate is real good for your heart right?
now is probably a good time to mention I am mildly lactose intolerant. I say mildly because I can have a bowl or two of ice cream or a few slices of cheese pizza with no issues, but when I eat a whole box of Kraft mac 'n cheese the grumblies begin.
so 11 o'clock rolls around and I am going on my final round of the building. about halfway through I feel some pressure in my lower abdomen, like I might need to poo soon. I thought nothing of it, as it was unlike any of the gurgles I've experienced after having too much dairy. rounding one of the stairwells I get the urge to fart. the pressure feels like it'll be a nice, satisfying one. I try to push it out..but nothing happens. it's being difficult. another push..and still nothing. I'm now back in the hallways and don't want to unleash stank upon the poor, unsuspecting residents [I'm a good RA!] so I decide to just wait till I go to the bathroom.
I have never made a better decision in all my life.
I get to the small bathroom next to the staff office and prepare for a satisfying poo. however, what was unleashed from my bowels was from the deepest pits of hell itself.
I'm not sure if any of you are familiar with the term "ass piss," but as a frequent browser of the blog [storiesaboutpooping](http://storiesaboutpooping.tumblr.com) I sure am. I thought I knew what everyone was talking about; extremely loose, liquidy diarrhea. my friends, I was wrong. ass piss is just that: PISSING OUT YOUR ASS. a single push is all that's needed to open the floodgates. there's no stopping it. a geyser of green-brown liquid death exploded from my butthole. I actually cried out. I thought I was dying. it felt like every bit of my insides were liquefied and erupting out my anus. I grasped the bottom of the toilet and held on for dear life, fearing the sheer force of my bowels would propel me into the ceiling, spraying shit everywhere.
after returning to the office and clocking out, I realized I had only been in there about 20 minutes. but it felt like hours. my butthole burned. the empty pint was still on the coffee table..I chucked it in the trash with disgust. writing up the log for the night, I resisted the urge to send a warning to my fellow staff members about the horrors I endured. I just wanted to go to bed. forget about what happened. maybe have a laugh about it with some friends in a few days when the stinging in my anus subsided.
this happened a year ago. I have not forgotten, merely tucked this experience away in the back of my mind. however, today I was inspired. checking my [timehop](http://timehop.com), I saw [this photo on Instagram](http://imgur.com/F5uDrNK), posted a year ago today.
the caption? "*#dinner*"
ihaveaname12: Wow this sounds like something I'd read off of /r/nosleep. Especially with that ending.
eewwee: it was quite the terrifying experience.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1395874988 | 1395880756 | t3_21ghb2 | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by having sex with a banana peel
just kidding, it was awesome!
TL;DR: go fuck a banana peel.
KristyConfused: I have a business installing styrofoam nuns. Fuck a fruit basket.
itislaboeuf: I don't get it
KristyConfused: look up Day Job Orchestra on Youtube. Find their video "Happy in Paraguay" - it's one of the older ones. But look at others too, they're really funny.
I have a sheep doing roofing over at my house. Come and drop in, we'll listen to Zeppelin and eat cheddar cheese.
| 4 | 1 | |
1395876491 | 1396099817 | t3_21gjrz | t5_2to41 | 6 | LadyGrizabella: TIFU at work by burning my arm with boiling water
I work in a kitchen (well, several actually since I get shifted around quite a bit) and on the menu today was mashed potatoes.
We make the potatoes with hot water and while our sinks produce water hot enough (per guidelines) for the mashed potatoes, the manager who was on duty said I had to use boiling water. In the process of pouring the water onto the potato flakes, I spilled some on my arm and burned my arm.
ProblemPie: Not really a huge fuck up, or anything. Accidents happen in kitchen environments. I once seared a huge scar into my right forearm on a sandwich iron that was so hot that water could not rest on its surface. I got a tattoo over it though, so there's that.
Hell, just yesterday I managed to scald my hand in dish water. I also once burned my fingertips brown on a trailer hitch I was buffing. Maybe I'm just stupid, now that I think about it.
LadyGrizabella: I'm the kind of person who should really maybe not be working in a kitchen seeing as I'm incredibly clumsy. I'd only been working there a week when I was told to take out the trash. By the back door (next to the garbage dump) is a platform with a ramp on one side and stairs on the other.
I damn near fell backwards down the stairs trying to drag out the trash on a small cart.
A few days later, I was taking out the trash and nearly tripped and sprained (or broke) my ankle over a chunk of concrete laying on the ramp.
ProblemPie: Oh, my, you're a physics disaster, 'eh?
That's okay. Most seasoned kitchen workers have encountered *plenty* of people like that. Just take *a lot of care* around sharp objects that you could possibly murder other people with.
LadyGrizabella: I try to.
I managed to give myself a nice papercut yesterday somehow filling out my daily paperwork at work. Yay me. LOL AND I burned the top of my wrist on a light on the steam table.
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1395877744 | 1395881350 | t3_21glw0 | t5_2to41 | 9 | shagadociousthekoala: TIFU by falling in love with my best girl-friend who is in love with one of my best guy freinds who has a girlfreind whom he is in love with
So I have liked her for a really long ass time like at least 3 years and tonight at youth group she was really upset about the situation with my guy friend whom has been leading her on for two months and honestly doesn't come close to deserving how amazing she is. So during the lesson I sat beside her pretty close and I leaned back and put my arm behind her on the couch cushion above her shoulders she didn't say anything and after about ten minutes she scooted a little closer and pulled her legs onto the couch I I lowered my arm down closer to her shoulders and started playing with her hair she scooted in close and looked at me and smiled. She's so gorgeous and wwhen she smiled at me I felt my heart drop Into my stomach. So I am now in love with my best friend whos in love with my best friend who's in love with his girlfreind kf almost 6 months. Help me.
ghathawayjunior: Orgy?
shagadociousthekoala: His gfs not my type
ghathawayjunior: Just close your eyes
shagadociousthekoala: Will you be there too?
ghathawayjunior: Only if you ask your best friend out
| 6 | 1.5 | |
1395879076 | 1395928777 | t3_21go2b | t5_2to41 | 17 | TIFU12345: TIFU by clicking a link on 4chan
As I was browsing /b/ on 4chan and came across a thread that provided a link. Without thinking I clicked on it and it brought me to a Google search witch asked hot to kill the president and acquire illegal pornography, and now I am nervous as fuck. Is there possibly be repercussions to this?
EpicShitStorm: yes you are more than likely going to be executed
TehAwesomeFrosty: Anal probing is on the way sir.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1395900240 | 1396211617 | t3_21hhnv | t5_2to41 | 128 | pesh527: TIFU by slapping my boyfriend's balls
I only connected the dots of the situation recently, and wow did I fuck up.
Back in 2011, I was away at college, and drunk with my boyfriend one night. I think we were going to have sex, and therefore were naked, and on my bed, which was raised higher than normal for storage purposes. I can't remember exactly what prompted me to do so, but I was mad at my boyfriend for doing something, so I went to tap his balls lightly as a "stop that right now" type of thing because I couldn't get through to him in other ways. But, since I was drunk, I misjudged my strength and ended up not tapping his balls, but slapping them.
So obviously my drunk boyfriend is pissed that I slapped his balls, and, he pushed me away. In *his* drunken state he misjudged his strength and ended up pushing me off the bed. I fell from a good three feet off of the ground onto a tile floor, landing on my backside. Boy, was I mad. It *hurt*. My lower back was sore for a day or so, and everything *seemed* fine afterwards.
Fast forward to 2013. Two weeks after I turned 25, I started getting lower back pain (happy birthday to me!). Really sharp, shooting pain that goes down my legs at times. I figured it was another symptom of my fibromyalgia. But the pain got really annoying so I went to the doctor after a few weeks, and he said it was sciatica, and *not* related to the fibro. Gave me a prescription for naproxen (Aleve) and called it a day.
The naproxen didn't help. The pain got worse and worse, to the point that I couldn't remain seated for more than 20 minutes without excruciating pain. It hurt to have sex. It hurt to stand. Something needed to be done, so I went to an orthopedist- I'll just cut the boring details out and jump to when he sent me for an MRI.
I got the MRI result back..... and no wonder my back hurts!
I have three herniated discs, stenosis, and degenerated discs- [MRI pic here if you are curious to see.] (http://i.imgur.com/fxLTDXg.jpg)
My doctor asks if I had been in a car accident or had trauma.... and I said no, but now it hit me... that fall I took off the bed probably triggered the "degenerative changes" I now have in my back. Fuck.
Now I face having to get epidural shots and pain management to treat the herniated discs, and if nothing works, then I'm looking at back surgery down the road.
Reddit, I fucked up. Who would have thought a drunken escapade in college would lead to a chronic pain condition?
nasa258e: you just scaredthe shit out of me. i took a fall in a bathroom a year back and my tailbone kinda hurts sometimes now
SoleileNoir: Go see a doctor.
nasa258e: I don't have insurance
SoleileNoir: Your health is worth more than money. And don't hospitals run free surgeries?
FurTrader58: "We offer free surgeries, but require full access to any organ we may need down the road, as well as a $50,000 donation, reoccurring for the next 5 years"
Edit: Few to free
SoleileNoir: What I meant was, don't hospitals run sessions with access to a doctor for free? I'm from the UK so I'm not familiar with the fucked up US healthcare system, it seems awful.
FurTrader58: If you don't have insurance you're fucked in most cases, unless you can find a clinic for the people type thing for those that can't afford healthcare. Basically what I was saying is they may do the surgery but you might be fucked after. We wish our healthcare was like it is in Europe and Canada. It would be so nice.
| 8 | 16 | |
1395909744 | 1396056758 | t3_21hp6f | t5_2to41 | 11,295 | Bagatell: TIFU by showing my dick on Chatroulette
Actually yesterday. I couldn't sleep, so I wanted to kill some time on chatroulette. I met this cute girl from Morocco (She was white, but I didn't think about it. She could've moved there later or something, right?), and one thing lead to another and she's masturbating on cam on Skype.
She says that if I don't show my dick she will delete me. I was just starting to get horny, so why not. But I was smart enough to not have my face and dick in the picture at the same time.
She lost the connection and logged on again. The first thing she does is send me a link to a youtube video. If you didn't guess it already, the video was first me on webcam with my face and then me showing my dick. The title of the video was my full name with my facebook link in the description.
If I don't give "her" 630 USD she will send the video to all my friends, and she listed up some of my friends on my facebook friendlist. Since I'm panicking, I get my card and empty my savings just to please him. He ended up deleting the video, but he wanted more. That's when I blocked him and he stopped. The video is not online now (at least not with my full name).
**TL;DR Showed my dick on chatroulette and got blackmailed for 630 USD**
EDIT:
I see a lot of the same questions asked over, so I thought I'd add an FAQ.
*Why exactly 630 USD, and not a round number?*
It was a round number in the original currency, but I converted it to USD since most people here are from the states and/or knows how much a dollar is worth.
*You actually paid the guy?!?!???! FUCKING IDIOT*
I was in panic, a lot of you would've done the same thing. He didn't give me a lot of time, so I didn't have time enough to think.
**I see a lot of good posts here, and good answers to what I should do. I've done everything I should to prevent the "hacker" from doing anything more.
And you guys really helped me calm down, and as you say the worst that'll happen is that some of my friends and family sees it. They'll forget about it sooner or later, and after a few months it'll only be a joke to us. But that would probably make it easier to track the guy too, and I think he's in way deeper shit than I am then. Thanks so much for your help!**
SpirallingOut: Presumably she found your Facebook because it's registered to the same email address as your Skype account?
You're probably not the only one who this guy has tricked. So don't beat yourself off about it.. heh..
Bagatell: I searched online for help, and found a forum that was pretty good. Those people have helped over 3000 people with this type of scam, and they say that of these Chatroulette hackers, 1 hacker can take up to 40 victims a day.
I've done everything they say I should to prevent the hacker
So I'm not alone, so hopefully he doesn't waste too much time on me, and rather go for someone else.
I called the place I transfered money and canceled the transaction 30 minutes ago. So the money is on the way back to my bank account now.
Vik1ng: This has nothing to do with hacking.
It's simply a failure on your side to protect your privacy online.
Don't show you face and use a separate account with a new email just set up for that purpose.
[deleted]: Immediately what I thought. Nobody hacked shit, you just showed your dick on a webcam.
someguyfromtheuk: It could be argued that it's a form of social hacking, where you're relying on the predictability and stupidity of people to allow you to collect victims, but it's a bit of a stretch.
OP definitely wasn't hacked in the stereotypical "my computer is being broken into" way.
[deleted]: But that's just a con.
Obviously it's just a matter of semantics, I just find it funny. A bad man did a thing on a computer so he must be a hacker!! He hacked my dick out of my pants in front of a camera!
Aethelgrin: I think that's called social engineering, hacking as a term doesn't work very well when used in a social/psychological context.
rutachigal: LIFE HACK: don't use "hack" to describe manipulation in a social/psychological context
brotherbunsen: Go read some back issues of *2600* and other hacker writings/reports of the early 80's. Social engineering is definitely considered to be part of the "hacking" activity set.
In fact, the whole concept of "hacking" as applying only to digital/computer spaces is entirely the result of semantic drift. Its original use was largely for people who were hacking payphones and service lines in the pre-PC era.
Duhya: Is it not a synonym for 'scam' or 'con'?
brotherbunsen: Not even close. Social engineering used to be used to get access codes, modem numbers, etc. for hacking efforts, as well as to get lineman's access to phone systems. It wasn't about scamming or conning, it was a tool in the toolbelt of the early (and the modern) hacker, the same as a script today, or a beige box in the 80's.
Duhya: So its when you scam someone out of information for use to con on the computer?
brotherbunsen: The fact that you had to contort that sentence so much to prove your point ("for use to con on the computer?" come on) only goes to demonstrate that no, they are *not* synonymous.
Duhya: I'm not discussing what the word used to mean though.
Now it means to scam info out of someone in order to access their computer.
brotherbunsen: By that definition, all "hacking" is to scam and con. It's a tool. Some people use tools in other ways. It does not mean "to scam info out of someone in order to access their computer." It doesn't even have to mean "to obtain information from another human being."
It's okay to not know things about things. But you shouldn't act like you know things about things you don't know things about, you know?
Duhya: It's a good thing i didn't say or believe any of those things and you are extrapolating so far it's coming out of your ass.
I was wondering why social engineering is considered hacking if it's kinda a different subset of skills, but it seems you are the only person here and we are having different conversations at eachother.
brotherbunsen: Yeah, I'm having one based on what social engineering, hacking, cracking, phreaking, conning, and scamming are, and you're redefining the actual tenets of the English language to make a completely asinine claim.
I mean, like I said. It's okay not to know stuff. But this "I'm sixteen so I remember the golden years of Jonny Lee Miller playing a 3117 haxx0r on HBO reruns of *Hackers*" thing you've got going on... it's just *sad*, man.
Leave the knowledge of hacking to people who have, you know, knowledge of hacking.
Anyhow, waste of time, I'm out.
Duhya: Yeah... social engineering is type of con.
I don't care who you are and that you are a super hax0r who watchs HBO hack3r shows.
| 19 | 594.473684 |
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