start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1395911662 | 1395936915 | t3_21hqhl | t5_2to41 | 105 | Rene_T: TIFU by possibly losing 1TB worth of files on my boyfriend's PC.
Yesterday I spent the evening at my boyfriend’s house. We have an arrangement that since he works until 11 PM, I meet him after my shift to get the key to the house and then wait for him, at home, until his shift is over. Usually this involves me chatting with his parents for a bit, having some dinner and then having a smoke before I try to get some sleep before he gets home.
Last night was no different; I went through the whole routine and got in bed. Started up XBMC and put on a series to fall asleep to. His anti- virus software gave a pop-up that prompted to restart the PC but I dismissed it as he could sort it out when he got home. All was well and soon I was fast asleep.
**Important to note**: When I picked up the keys from him at work I gave him a gift as well. South Park: The Stick of Truth was at the top of his Steam wish list so I got it for him. He was very excited and could not wait to install it when he got home. He is quite the gaming enthusiast.
So he got home just after 11 and started to install the game. The hard drive crashes. Multiple restarts and troubleshooting later and still nothing.
I feel so bad, I feel like I could have caused it without knowing and now he might lose a whole 1TB of movies, series, music and possibly other important files. He says it’s not my fault and will be getting a replacement drive today and can possibly recover the lost files, but I still feel like an idiot.
Release_the_KRAKEN: I don't understand how this is your fault. Sounds like a random hdd fluke. Not restarting the PC =/= hdd crapping out. You need to calm down and realize that this fuck up is not your fault. As rare as it is, shit does crap out.
0xff8888somniac: He should be doing a TIFU for not backing up his data.
TehAwesomeFrosty: As my IT teacher always said.
"There are two types of people
Those who back up data
And those who will"
CaptainBenza: Also those people who appear in every computer issue related thread riding in on their high horse saying "ooooh, you DONT backup you're 1TB of data every afternoon like me?" I'm not saying people in this thread , but you know what I mean.
| 5 | 21 | |
1395924663 | 1395937055 | t3_21i14a | t5_2to41 | 51 | balzacdaGr8: TIFU by hooking up with my ex
I never posted anything before because i never had enough confidence but fuck it.
Some background info:
So I've been single for about 2 months now after my exgf cheated and dumped me, we were together for 2 and a half years and I really haven't been happy since she dumped me. I've finally been getting back to normal while avoiding everything about her, but that didn't go so well since we saw each other at the bank a few days ago. Anyways we were talking, and she wanted to stay friends and she feels that she wants to be single, but she misses talking to me.
Tifu:
So last night, we were talking and she asked if I wanted to hang out for a little, and me still feeling the way I do for her get there in record time. She opens the door, and we talk about just regular bullshit and then she starts to reminisce about our relationship which leads to us hooking up. For me its a fuck yeah, but for her it's like a fuck no. She starts crying and tells me shes confused and that she can't be friends now, and throws me out of her house. I probably shouldn't have kissed her because now shes not answering anything from me (calls and texts) and it's really stressing me out and i don't know what to do. Last night i fucked up.
Kagrenasty: Yeah dude run away as fast as possible. Don't ever text, call, fb, carrier pigeon or anything.
b0ltzmann138e-23: Sounds like she doesn't know what she wants. I would second this - stay away from girls like her.
ZAGD: I second the second and the first.
CaptainBenza: I second keeping your pigeon on lockdown. First thing after breakup, delete all contact info so that you won't be tempted in a moment of weakness.
| 5 | 10.2 | |
1395944352 | 1396056257 | t3_21iw4p | t5_2to41 | 20 | thatoneguystephen: TIFU by grabbing a falling knife
Actually happened last night at work. I was working line at the BBQ jurnt and went to grab a sausage link and the knife to slice it out of the warmer. We were busy so I got in a hurry and tried to grab both at the same time (grab the link with my left hand and grab the knife off the top tray with my right). It's kept in the warmer because it's mainly used to cut the ribs (3 and 4 bones, half slabs etc). Anyway, I'm grabbing the knife and the link and the knife slips out of my hand because my gloves are all greasy and slippery from doing bbq things. Out of instinct (and because the rib knife at my old store was always dull as fuck) I went to catch it and the blade landed right under the first knuckle on my pinky and surprise, [the knife is sharp as fuck.](http://i.imgur.com/Lzm5mFq.jpg) I took my glove off, wrapped it in a paper towel, put another glove on and finished the order. Needless to say it stings a bit. It's pretty deep and opens back up every time I move my pinky.
**TL;DR don't try to catch a falling knife**
mask567: i dropped a knife from a counter once and i instinctively put my foot in the way to catch it. luckily the handle edge fell first so i didnt get stabbed. unlucky op
Silverlight42: I did that once. It was a nice brand new 4" serrated paring knife. sharpest knife I had at the time. it landed on the right side of my right foot and went in like my foot wasn't even there. I wasn't even using the knife at the time -- just knocked it off the counter.
mask567: ouch. how did you get it out?
Silverlight42: I just pulled it out, used some paper towel and duct tape to patch it up. :P
mask567: spoken like a true man.
| 6 | 3.333333 | |
1395948483 | 1396083739 | t3_21j37e | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by losing my journal worth 20 marks.
As if I already wasn't in a shit situation by being on the verge of kicked out of high school due to low grades, I lost my computer journal.
20 marks that thing was..
Pretends_OP: If you actually did good in school it wouldn't affect you as much would it?
ProblemPie: OP sounds like maybe he's British, based on phrasing ("marks," "that thing was,"), so maybe it's different there, but holy shit I just would not even be concerned in America.
I fucked up high school REALLY HARD and have had zero problems because of it in the real world. I am convinced that it's totally meaningless, as long as you GET your diploma. And also don't plan on a full ride to Harvard.
i_pk_pjers_i: I think he's more worried about you know, being kicked out of high school, considering he mentioned that in the post.
ProblemPie: You can get kicked *out* of high school? How do you even do that? Is this a European thing?
anonymousMF: Well you can fail your year and have to repeat it. And some schools in some places have a policy that that means you'll have to leave and go to another high school.
We have a system of several 'layers', where it range from difficult to easier and a lot of people start at the top and trickle down (about half of the people that start there, don't finish it). And often schools only have one 'layer', thus you'll have to change schools.
ProblemPie: Huh. That's fair.
In America, due to the No Child Left Behind fiasco, it's very difficult to actually be held back, even if you "fail." I personally never met anybody that had been held back in the school system post-NCLB, including myself despite spending 2nd & 3rd grade in half-assed homeschooling due to problems at home (which honestly completely fucked me in the long run, but whatevs).
One of my friends, who is thirty-something and has a 9-year-old son, has actually mentioned to me that he feels his son is not emotionally mature enough to continue into the next grade - and this is really the optimal time to hold him back, considering he's going to start making much better friends in the coming years and holding him back could be detrimental to his own personal growth - but he said he's had to fight the school board on the decision to keep his son back.
anonymousMF: Well out system works great for good students (top 20%), but it has a lot of problems with kids getting disinterested in school because of the constant trickling down and failing.
I'm not really sure how to fix that.
| 8 | 1.625 | |
1395952159 | 1395970480 | t3_21j9md | t5_2to41 | 42 | swash_machine: TIFU by looking Like a George Zimmerman supporter
Didn't happen today, i'm sorry. But Whetever. So this happened awhile back when I purchased a [Death Grips](http://www.brooklynvegan.com/img/music2/death-grips-logo.jpg)
T-shirt that I had been meaning to order for a long time. I was very excited when I got it but haven't been able to wear it because of the cold weather. So today, I said fuck it and decided I would wear it. For the first couple hours of the day in between classes I noticed people staring at my shirt, I figured they were probably just trying to figure out the reference to the image. Nothing out of the ordinary I assumed because Death Grips are not a very well known/mainstream type of musical group. Walking to my 5th hour someone completely stopped walking and stared at my shirt with this very confused look. He said something but I didn't hear it because I had my Ipod playing, I keep walking and he says something again louder so I turn around and take out one of my earbuds and he says "Is that Trayvon?" I had no Idea what he was talking about because all I could think was that maybe it was another band that had a similar shirt idea that he might have switched up. So I ask what he means and he replies with "Do you think he did it?". Now what threw me off was the tone of his voice, it sounded like he wanted me to say yes. So dumb old me answers his question with "yeah, he did it" And that sent him smoldering and he immediately started yelling at me. I didn't want to be involved in a fight so I quickly turn my heels and speedwalk to my next class. I sit down and try and fit the pieces together. Soon do I realize that i'm a fucking Idiot and see that he was obviously talking about the Trayvon Martin/George Zimmerman trial that had been in the news for the past few weeks. Apparently there were some shooting [targets](http://blogs.miaminewtimes.com/riptide/trayvonshootingtarget.jpg) that very closely resembled my shirt. And he thought I was proudly parading those around in T-shirt form. And stupid me thought he was talking about another band when he clearly was talking about the murder of somebody. And to make it worse, I said I thought that zimmerman was innocent. Needless to say I haven't worn that shirt to school ever again, or even public for that matter.
TL;DR Wore a shirt that closely resembled a racist shooting target and accidentally said that Trayvon was guilty.
satanlicker: But, wasnt Zimmerman in the right? I haven't been following it too closely (irish) but i remember reading about the trial and the evidence and thinking he was justified in shooting him. I know the general attitude among the american public is very negative and you obviously don't want to be associated with *that* crowd but still.
captainpoppy: Zimmerman did kill Martin, but he was not convicted of* any serious crimes. During the trial and after it for a few months, you couldn't wear any kind of hoody without ppl thinking it had something to do with that case.
timtom45: TIL 2nd degree murder isn't serious.
Apparently 25 to life aint no thang for captain poppy.
captainpoppy: Whoops. Meant convicted haha my bad. I was at work thinking about headin home.
timtom45: You are so much less cool in my book now. :(
Still awesome username.
captainpoppy: Sorry. I'm not as cool in my book anymore either. :-/
| 7 | 6 | |
1395948873 | 1396113846 | t3_21j3w3 | t5_2to41 | 25 | Caffeinated_Bacon: TIFU by trying to tough it out at work with a damaged contact lens.
Shelled out $96 at the doctor's office to find out that my fucking cornea is scratched. No contact lenses left so that means spending approximately $250 at the eye doctor along with $80 on a (round trip) bus ticket because he's back in my hometown. I called some local doctors but it would be more expensive overall because I have to pay an extra $70-100 to get "fitted" for contacts. Fuck my life.
babyshampoo: I usually wear contacts but I recently bought glasses and they are the best thing ever. I'm sorry about your situation, that sucks.
ProblemPie: Yeah, I used to have fucking welfare glasses that sucked lots, so I would literally never ever wear them. I always did the contacts. Recently, however, I became an adult and started buying my own glasses, realized they're far cheaper than contacts, and found a pair that look really nice on me, so glasses it is forever.
Caffeinated_Bacon: I do have a really nice pair of glasses which I enjoy wearing but they're not suitable for work in a kitchen.
ProblemPie: How so? I can't imagine a pair of glasses not suitable for work in a kitchen. Mine are sort of... horn-rimmish Adam Savage-style glasses and I've never had a problem. Plastic, obviously.
ch1rl1n5br3w4: Lenses are probably not protected from hot grease/other environmental factors.
ProblemPie: I don't know, I would probably rather hot grease on my glasses than in my eyeballs.
| 7 | 3.571429 | |
1395959769 | 1395977729 | t3_21jn0r | t5_2to41 | 60 | [deleted]: TIFU by imitating my dick coworker.
So, just about am hour ago (yes, I'm still freaking out) I was talking with a coworker/friend about another coworker that we mutually dislike for being a snide asshole. The snide coworker and I were talking about a Facebook post that I had made regarding my 3-year-old cousin who was recently diagnosed with cancer.
He had asked me about it and I said "Yes, the doctors found a cancerous cell."
The snide coworker snidely remarked "Oh yeah? Was it cancerous? HYUCK HYUCK HYUCK!" Thinking he was being funny and edgy or some shit. It pissed me off, but I didn't say anything.
An hour later, my friend coworker shows up because he was just passing through and we talked. I told him about the snide coworker's shitty remark and as I was imitating snide coworker, a lawyer (who works in the building) walked by as I was imitating "Oh yeah, was it cancerous? HYUCK HYUCK HYUCK!" The lawyer gave me the death stare and walked out.
At that moment, it clicked. That lawyer is currently undergoing chemotherapy and I didn't recognize him because he now wears a hat because he is self-conscious about his hair-loss. I feel horrible, didn't get a chance to apologize and explain myself and now I am fully expecting some harsh repercussions from my boss tomorrow. My boss is a very frantic man with no capacity to understand the context.
TL;DR: Imitated an asshole coworker that was passive-aggressively making fun of my cousin, who has cancer. Man with cancer walks by and hears the worst of it and assumes I was being the dick.
xMrBlonde: Find the dude out and explain, please
majorkev: Yeah, a little empathy goes a long way.
| 3 | 20 | |
1395972250 | 1395975008 | t3_21k6i2 | t5_2to41 | 40 | [deleted]: TIFU by sleeping at my friend's house
I went over to my friend's house. We'll call him Steve. Well Steve is a major pot head, and smokes a LOT. I too used to smoke marijuana back in high school, but now I have a job where I get drug tested and can no longer smoke pot without risking my career. I also have a scheduled drug test in 4 days. Anyways, Steve is still a good friend that I even used to smoke pot with, so I went over to his house to hangout. He was pretty stoned at the time, and he knows that I'm in a situation where I can't smoke weed. Anyways, we hang out for a while, and we drink a bit. Since I don't want to drive home/take a taxi, I crash at his apartment in his bedroom. This is where I/Steve fucked up big time.
Steve wakes me up a couple hours later. He had been fucking hot boxing in his room, and wanted to go to McDonald's and get some food. I was so fucking angry at him that I punched him in the face and ran out of his house and drove home. I really don't know what to do now.
TL;DR- Friend smoked pot while I was asleep, going to fail a scheduled drug test and risk my career
iamnotadonut: it's 99% chance that counts as assault
NarwhalAttack: Also I'm 87% sure that sleeping in a hot boxed room won't make you piss positive. I mean unless it was really hotboxed.
| 3 | 13.333333 | |
1395974797 | 1396042234 | t3_21ka6r | t5_2to41 | 2,073 | mrs_farenheit: TIFU by playing the piano at a senior's home.
So my grandpa recently moved in to an assisted living facility. There are a couple of activities but most of the seniors are either uninterested or unable to participate. Generally they just sit in the fancy lobby and stay there the whole day.
So we went there to pick him up to take him to dinner and as we're leaving we pass a piano. I recently started learning so my father suggests I play a song. I say fine and sit at the piano.
I have no sheet music and I only know two songs by memory: Sleigh Ride (the Christmas carol) and Eleanor Rigby by the Beatles. Since it's not Christmas, I decide to play Eleanor Rigby.
So I'm playing and singing and just kind of caught up in the song. It had been pretty much dead silent in the lobby until I started. If, somehow, you don't know the song, it's about a lonely old woman who dies and nobody shows up to her funeral. It repeats the line, *ahhhh, look at all the lonely people.*
Yeah. I finish the song, look up, and see 25 to 30 seniors either crying, looking angry, or too out of it to have even noticed. The nurses are giving me angry looks and my father is gaping.
We got out of there pretty fast.
Edit: I lost my gold virginity! Thanks! Good to know you guys get off on sad old people.
echelontee: I play at a senior's home every week. You have to be careful to censor songs so as to not be too morbid, out of respect. For example my favorite song to play/sing is "I Will Follow You Into the Dark" by Death Cab for Cutie, which is a sweet sing overall but it does talk about dying, and knocks on Catholics for a bit. So I just made up some lines to say instead over those parts.
You made an honest mistake imo, you don't find yourself in a situation like that too often. I find myself having to re-check myself a lot to make sure the songs I play won't hurt anyone's feelings.
TickleTh1sElmo: It was an honest mistake! An honessst!!!
Dildo_Myfavoriteword: People... they don't mean a thing to you
themeowzart: They look right through you
TickleTh1sElmo: just like your breath
TardisBlu: Sometimes I still think of you
TickleTh1sElmo: and I just wanted to. Just wanted you to know
| 8 | 259.125 | |
1395935736 | 1396020388 | t3_21ih8e | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU - After dinner DVD box set FAIL
I thought I'd post this after the BA advert reminded me of an 'incident' earlier this week:
So to set the scene - every evening when we are available and don't have priority work, the three of us sit down and watch an episode, or two of some DVD box-set after dinner. It's nice family time, although the shows picked haven't been family friendly - but we're all over 18 so it doesn't matter.
Game of Thrones, Sherlock, Band of Brothers - that kind of thing.
Right so after 'The Reichenbach Fall' on Sunday, it's fresh choice time again. The Killing gets voted off because one person is too lazy to read subtitles. 24 gets voted off because the other person can't stand American crime dramas. So what's left they say - I say it's some weirdy science fiction mystery drama...totally forgetting the first two seasons...
So I get the DVD blissfully ignorant that I've forgotten all about the first two seasons and what starts playing?
**LOST.**
/facepalm/
KristyConfused: what happens in the first two seasons of LOST?
[deleted]: A pacific flight hits various problems veering thousands of miles of course and crashes on a weird remote island with lots of weird occurrences.
Or as the pilot puts it in the pilot:
"Six hours in, our radio went out. No-one could see us. We turned back to land in Fiji. By the time we hit turbulence, we … we were a thousand miles off course. They're looking for us in the wrong place. "
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1395972069 | 1396025599 | t3_21k68a | t5_2to41 | 38 | Murican_Freedom1776: TIFU by attempting to cross a stream
So today I was out backpacking with a 15-20lbs pack on and decided to cross a stream by walking on the rocks, and fill my canteen halfway across. I got halfway across and filled my canteen but as I was finishing the trek across, I slipped. I fell and landed directly on the tip of a huge rock which impacted my ribs first. I was in agonizing pain, because I broke 3 ribs and cracked another. I ended up getting helped to shore by a day hiker who called for paramedics.
KristyConfused: This is why you don't cross the streams. Haven't you ever seen Ghostbusters?
Murican_Freedom1776: Who ya gonna call?
liberummentis: Ribbusters!
Silverlight42: [That made me think of another movie](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZRfNqvJ264I)
| 5 | 7.6 | |
1395983244 | 1395988618 | t3_21kks5 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting on a bus from Toronto to New York without any American money.
Typing this out on my crappy phone while on the bus so bear with me.
So, I am in a long distance relationship. My gf lives on Long Island, and I live in Toronto. I visit her by bus, about every 3 months. And every time, I walk from Port Authority to Penn Station, to take the train out to the island to see her. This time however, I booked in advanced, knowing my cheque wouldn't clear until Saturday. So I bought everything in advance, and thought I was ready to go. As I hit the border, I realized the one flaw in my budgetting. I forgot to exchange some of my Canadian money to the 12.75 I need for the train. I have 10 bucks Canadian to my name until Saturday and I get into new York Friday morning. I have no idea what to do, and am frantically using this buses WiFi to email and message anyone that I hope can help. FML
Anyone know somewhere I can sell Animal Crossing for the 3DS for cash near Port Authority in NYC? >.>
TectonicWafer: I think there's a pawnshop at 8th and 39th that will be willing to give you cash for the 3DS. Hope this is of some help!
Atreus87: A friend was able to help me out. Thank you though!
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1395975329 | 1396768813 | t3_21kax2 | t5_2to41 | 41 | pandamonia23: TIFU by having my girlfriend's sister walk in on us while I was eating her out.
**TL;DR:** We get caught by my girlfriend's sister while I was eating her out. She laughs it off and pretends it didn't happen.
So me and my girlfriend where getting it on in her room. Door was closed and the TV was on to make some background noise. I start to go down on her and she's starting to get all moany and horny. We never lock her door because nobody usually comes in. Her room is right next to the living room and there's almost always someone in the living room (her two older brothers sleep in the living room (it's a small 2 bedroom trailer home)). Anyways, her older sister comes over to the house and starts a conversation in the living room. Meanwhile me and my girlfriend are oraling it up. My tongue all up in her warm, wet bits. We ALWAYS put a blanket over ourselves when being intimate. I guess that's the only security measure we have when it comes to down to it. Anyways, I'm down there and the blanket is over my neck so her bits are still showing. We then hear the door open, not even a knock (which is the case with her brothers). I frantically pull the blanket over my head and she pulls it to around her neck. I'm in there thinking shit.. what to I do. I then hear my girlfriend's sister asking where I was? My girlfriend says, "uhhh we're playing hide-and-go-seek". My girlfriend then starts laughing. She then starts to queef. In.front.of.my.face.with.her.sister.in.the.room.... I then get the courage to get out of the blanket and say "surprise! you found me..." My girlfriend's sister then proceeds to kind of laugh it off and pretend like nothing happened... She still spent like 5-10 min talking about random shit... my girlfriend couldn't get off the bed nor really move cuz she was naked under the blanket..
SandPocket: No big deal, it was only her sister, she knew what was going on. You're lucky it wasn't a brother. =p
pandamonia23: Her brother's would've just walked out..
pandamonia23: AND knocked before going in.
pandamonia23: They know what's up.
UncleTomas: its great, the whole 1, 2 ,3 thing you have goin on.
ssjkriccolo: I was so tempted to mess with the votes, but you seem really happy with the way they turned out... so i won't.
UncleTomas: would of been funny if it continued after that.
| 8 | 5.125 | |
1395984846 | 1396013340 | t3_21kmg7 | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by being myself
(removed)
StormMFeel: what?
an_ill_mallard: I think he defiled a church? Too vague to tell for sure.
StormMFeel: Anyways I'm orthodox, so I don't even care. xD
| 4 | 1 | |
1395984637 | 1396020457 | t3_21km8w | t5_2to41 | 25 | measurablezero: TIFU by reversing a forklift
Well, this week has been rather shitty and tonight was just icing on the cake. I work for a small family entertainment center (think gokarts, rides, parties, etc.) as a mechanic and generally am the only person who works nights.
One of my duties is to crush the trash using a forklift and a giant press thing that was fabricated for the job. Well, recently a new outdoor party area was installed (basically a corrugated roof supported by an all aluminium frame, completely open air) and the forklift was over at the construction site and not where it usually was. No biggie, I'll just go grab it, right??
WRONG.
I go and find the forklift under the new structure, and notice it has a basket on the end of it used to pick up people. I decided to leave this there and simply back the forklift up a couple feet, then go on my way. I back up about 3 feet when suddenly I hear a HUGE bang. Shit. I hit something.
Mind you it was dark, but I also was careless and didn't check my surroundings which was pretty dumb. I had just sheared off one of the supports from the bottom footer where it bolts to the ground. FUCK. It literally came clean off, though the bottom of the tube got rather mangled. The whole thing bent like a crossbow too. I felt like throwing up I was so upset/pissed/scared of what my boss was going to say. This was literally a $100k+ brand new never been used structure that I just damaged.
I crushed the trash and let myself calm down then proceeded to call my direct boss. He said it was okay and that he'd fix it, but I'm still a little scared because the head of the department isn't as forgiving and isn't a huge fan of me for a few strange reasons.
We'll see if I still have a job tomorrow.
Anesj: [You aren't from Germany, are you?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=do7lYmr2fPs)
measurablezero: No, Germans are much more graceful than I am!
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1395971894 | 1396461407 | t3_21k5yb | t5_2to41 | 5 | happyman91: TIFU by going to school on a lot of xanax.
So this is not a funny story, I didn't get blackmaled because of my dick or anything. So one bright sunny day I skipped lunch at my school (as we don't have an open campus for lunch) and headed to zaxbys. I thought to myself, hey let's make today fun and take 4 mg of xanax! Well, the only thing I even really remember after that was stumbling into my 6th period class during the wrong period, and then being escorted to the office by the school cop. Thankfully no charges were brought up, and I am not completely expelled. Still one of the stupidest things I have done.
Silverlight42: There seems to be important details missing from this story.
You got (partially?) expelled for going to the wrong classroom on accident?
bryanttt: There always tends to be lots missing from stories about Xanax.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1395982798 | 1396050603 | t3_21kk95 | t5_2to41 | 14 | JackyFlack: TIFU by going for an evening stroll alone in the park.
Alright, let me explain. I'm a collegiate asthmatic who basically gets breathing issues from most things- dust, allergies, temperature, anxiety, athletic activity, you name it and it might contribute. But because I went without an inhaler for awhile, I sort of made a habit out of not carrying one. I have some now, and I haven't picked back up exactly on keeping one on-hand.
So last night, my roommate had a friend over. I was going to watch James and the Giant Peach on Netflix, but it wouldn't load. So, I left my laptop slightly open and decided to go for a walk and call my girlfriend back at home.
She was in the shower, and didn't have her phone. I tried a few times, and figured eh, I'll enjoy nature (college kids walking around drunk/speeding cars/squirrels throwing things/crying over midterms/etc.)
This is where the sketchiness occurs. No deets for you guys, I shall leave you deetless, but I went through some traumatic experiences when I was younger that had a radical effect on my life. Recently I've had some bad dreams about them, but for the most part, I tried to not let it affect my daily life, with pretty decent success. But this time, on this fateful night, the stars aligned, and I let it affect me.
I was walking on the sidewalk, about ten minutes from my dorm, when I heard other footsteps. I figured it was just another student behind me. No beans, no big sheblam. But after turning a corner, I noticed they were still there.
I walked a bit, then turned around, half expecting it to be someone I knew, but saw a tallish man walking about a elkyear away. He was pretty far, far enough for me to still slightly hear his footsteps. By this time it all seemed a little sketchy. I turned again, going into a parking lot, hoping I would be alone this time. Being followed in the daylight makes me want to pee myself, so right now, I felt like unleashing floodgates. After walking a couple of yards, the man turned, still going in the same basic direction. Which was the same one I was headed.
I was like, a full sketch now. This was on the border between sketch and coloring book. And the only color was yellow, because pee. At the end of the parking lot, I turned around again, to get a better look, and that's when the asthma issues began.
I thought I saw a key person from those traumatic experiences mentioned before.
Afraid, I walked as fast as I could, almost ran. I went back towards the park, turning around every chance I could get. But when I did, there was no one there.
By the time I got to the park my asthma was in full swing, and I was having a panic attack. I sat down and tried to put my hands on my head to calm down but it wasn't working. My mind was filling up with visions from the nightmares, memories from the past, and I was scaring myself more.
I went unconscious for about ten minutes, and had enough energy to call again. My girlfriend answered, but I was back into my panic attack and I couldn't speak well. But she understood. I was crying by this point, as my heart began to hurt horribly also. She texted my roommate, since she lives in my hometown and not my college town, and he came with my inhaler. It didn't work, and my panic attacks got worse as I couldn't convince myself that the person I saw wasn't really there.
He called 911, who sent a fire truck to escort an ambulance with some police. They tried calming me down, but they thought that I was on drugs. I tried explaining with the little breath I didn't have, but they couldn't understand me. They put me in the ambulance and I was taken to the emergency room where they put me in the bed, gave me a nebulizer treatment, kept me hydrated, gave me some steroids to help my lungs function better, and then gave up on calming me down with words and used some medicine that made me calm down. The whole ER process took about two and a half hours.
I explained what happened once I was recovered to a police officer, who was very kind and helpful. She got me a ride back to my dorm with police escorts to help me feel safer, and I walked into my room and flopped on the bed. And now, this past day, I was very tired all day. Visibly. And I managed to scare the pee out of myself, my roommate, mother, and girlfriend.
**TL;DR** I went for a walk in the park, stressed myself out, and almost died, scaring friends, girlfriend, local law enforcement, and- bahh, whatever, just read it, I made some pee jokes.
Silverlight42: >tallish man walking about a elkyear away
How far's an elkyear? It kinda sounds far.
JackyFlack: It's right within nope distance, just far enough to make you toodle away as quickly as possible.
ThegreatPee: I'm American. Out of curiosity, where is this term used.
JackyFlack: I as well am American. This term is used when I am tired and I can't describe a distance.
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1396024393 | 1396029029 | t3_21lpue | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by sending a dick pic to a coworker
So there's this coworker who I've been flirting with for a while. Our talk finally got interesting and she seemed interested. So I asked for her # and tried to push things further forward since she seemed down by sending a dick pic. Now she's not returning my texts or talking to me anymore.
nabulsha: [A serious question...](http://i2.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/009/559/stewie.png)
pwnedlikewhoa: [And now...](http://www.stippy.com/wp/wp-content/zuploads/2007/07/whatthinking.jpg)
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1396024708 | 1396416014 | t3_21lqcx | t5_2to41 | 328 | [deleted]: TIFU by ruining my life
LAST UPDATE: I GOT THE JOB. WOOOOO! thanks everyone for the kind words!!
I was offered a post college engineering job paying $64000. I am freaking out, what an insane amount of money. Before that I had been living with my wife and daughter at her parents house, unemployed. During this time I became depressed and took a few adderall from a prescription that expired in 10/2012. I got a call two weeks ago with the offer and did a drug test earlier this week and tested positive for amphetamine. I have faxed my prescription records and have not heard back yet. So reddit, did I fuck up? Any advice or am I doomed and can say bye bye to my family and future?
Edit1: I took the adderall a day before the test because I was studying for the FE exam
Edit2: I contacted my HR representative and he said he doesn't see any hiccups so far. So they is a possibility the faxes old prescriptions worked.
Edit3: Thanks. I suck
Edit4: Well yesterday evening I received an email back from HR saying that ny background came back and I am good to go. BUT WHAT ABOUT THE DRUG TEST! I emailed and called back but haven't received a response. Oh and guess what? My wife doesn't know and we are putting a reservation on a house today. Hahaha further down the rabbit hole I go!
Edit5: Wife has her mom and dad coming with us now. Sooooo yeah
Edit6: 3/29 Not putting reservation on house. Thank god. Wife wants to look around and maybe build our own. Fuck
warpus: I'm Canadian, are drug tests for jobs very common down there in the U.S.? It seems like a huge invasion of privacy.
cryowolf72: I work in an industrial setting and I'm very glad drug testing is a thing. Keeps idiots who are willing to come to work high and endanger other people's safety out of my line of work.
warpus: People who work jobs like that should definitely be always sober on the job, no disagreement there. As far as I know though drug tests don't tell you whether someone is presently on the drug, it only tells you if the drug is in their system, which means they could have done it last weekend, or whenever. With some drugs that could still be a problem, like say if it's heroin and you're addicted, start jittering at work, and accidently cut a guy's heart in the wrong place. Or I guess in your case cuts a robot's heart in the wrong place, or whatever.
In all those cases you definitely do not want the people involved to be permitted to carry out their duties at work, but why do you want a guy who goes home after work and unwinds with a beer and/or joint to be prevented from contributing to the economy as well? If stoners didn't pay income tax here in Canada our economy would collapse, so I just don't see the logic in that.
shredderrrrrr: They don't test alcohol and even "smoking a joint" may not be a problem in places it is now legal.
But the reasoning behind it is that employers, as the ones investing in others, should know who they are hiring. While testing positive for cocaine doesn't mean the employee will show up high to work (or hell, even perform poorly at all), it does say that the employee does cocaine and, since it is illegal, is a criminal. It is only fair for an employer to know whether they are hiring a criminal or not before they invest considerable time, energy, money, and trust into them. Drug testing is not unlike criminal background checks--employers just want to know who they are hiring. If you don't want to submit to either, don't accept the job. They are voluntary.
warpus: > But the reasoning behind it is that employers, as the ones investing in others, should know who they are hiring.
They should know what sort of skills the person they are hiring possesses as they relate to the job he/she applied for. That's the extent of the knowing that's appropriate, unless you are talking about some sort of a public figure type job, in which case certain knowledge about personal history and habits would be appropriate.
> It is only fair for an employer to know whether they are hiring a criminal
That's why police checks are performed - so that the employer is made aware whether the individual in question has ever been accused, charged, and sentenced in a criminal case.
That's how you find out if you're about to hire a criminal or not. Someone who has never been found guilty in a court of law is not a criminal.
shredderrrrrr: >They should know what sort of skills the person they are hiring possesses as they relate to the job he/she applied for. That's the extent of the knowing that's appropriate, unless you are talking about some sort of a public figure type job, in which case certain knowledge about personal history and habits would be appropriate.
Employers justifiably get information relating to all sorts of thing that don't directly relate to the job. Have you never been asked something at an interview that doesn't directly relate to the job? For instance, I'm always asked what I like to do for fun. What difference should it make to a law firm what I do when I'm not working? They ask because they want to know as much about me as possible. If I, for instance, said that I smoke crack every week, they probably wouldn't hire me because, well, why would you hire a crack head instead of someone clean? That's fair, right?
Your response will likely be that asking someone questions in an interview is different than a drug test. I would argue, however, that not only do they serve the same end goal of determining whether someone is a good fit for a job, but they are both voluntary. Just view the drug test as the employer asking, "Are you willing to prove that you don't do drugs?" Just like an interview question, you are free to answer either way. Similarly, just like an interview, answering "no" would likely result in the employer not selecting you for the job.
warpus: > They ask because they want to know as much about me as possible. If I, for instance, said that I smoke crack every week, they probably wouldn't hire me because, well, why would you hire a crack head instead of someone clean? That's fair, right?
Yeah, like anyone goes into an interview with a list of negative things to talk about, especially smoking crack.
Rob Ford is probably the only person on the planet right now who could pull that off and actually get a respectable job.
shredderrrrrr: Nor do I think anyone would or should. I'm just pointing out that it is a legitimate reason not to hire someone and then arguing that refusing to take a drug test is no different than admitting to drug use (in the eyes of an employer at least).
Both are voluntary decisions and both have strong impacts depending on how you answer/act.
| 9 | 36.444444 | |
1396028196 | 1396030281 | t3_21lw71 | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by having sex on my friends bed
So a little backstory: My friend is getting surgery today and has been in the hospital for the last few days hence why his bed was available. Well last night I was really drunk with this girl and my sheets were in the wash so I decided that I could just take my friends sheets off and throw my comforter over his mattress and we could do the dirty on that, solid plan right? Well it turns out his mom went to our house to grab something from his room and walked in on us fucking on her sons bed..Now basically all my roommates are pretty fucking pissed at me, I am too ashamed to even go back to the hospital and see his mom or him so I am just wallowing in guilt. Basically I am the ultimate douchebag and I hate myself right now.
WPBDoc: This doesn't make sense. If you were willing to take HIS sheets off and do it on the comforter, why didn't you just put the comforter on YOUR own mattress?
johnqevil: Exactly what I was thinking. It's the same exact thing.
| 3 | 4 | |
1396030170 | 1396215054 | t3_21lzfj | t5_2to41 | 533 | Bojan888: TIFU by opening my Google drive in class
Never thought I'd be posting in this subreddit but here we are. So I was in class, in the front row of the computer lab. I was opening up my data for my research assignment that I had saved on my Google drive. But in my tiredness and exhaustive state of mind I accidently clicked on another file. The file? A pic of my penis I sent to my SO. So there, for what seemed like an eternity, my penis was on the screen on a 32 inch monitor. After having my heart attack and exiting out of the picture I now am hoping no one saw anything.... Although it did get quiet when I exited out... Is there a pit I can crawl into to escape?
Floyd_Pink: Was it a flattering pic at least?
Bojan888: Well, .... I don't want to brag but, yes. Yes it was. It was one of those dick pics you take and even you're impressed
IAMA_Triceratops_AMA: Though if your face wasn't in it then it'll just look like some dude looking at dick pics in class.
[deleted]: Do you know that Triceratops never actually existed? They are a made up species for movies and such.
rawr_lion: Can't tell if you're being serious or not... but triceratops definitely existed. They're not the only member of the ceratopsidae family, but they are definitely the most well-known.
[deleted]: Naw man, look it up, they were recently discovered to be fake.
rawr_lion: It has been proposed that the Triceratops was actually just a juvenile Torosaurus, but it's not something that's universally accepted by paleontologists. Even if that is true, it doesn't make them fake. They existed.
| 8 | 66.625 | |
1396030436 | 1396056248 | t3_21lzv2 | t5_2to41 | 89 | puddlesofblood: TIFU by forgetting to knock while cleaning bathrooms.
I was closing and my manager asks me to clean the bathrooms. It was late, I was tired and there were hardly any customers. I'm walking back and forth between bathrooms, so casually because no one is in the place.
I leave the men's restroom for ONE SECOND to get the broom. I burst in, look to my right and there is this **FUCKING HOT GUY TAKING A PISS. HOLY FUCK.**
I backed out immediately (walking backwards too) and literally said "Fucking nope. Nope. I'm done. I quit."
Now, I'd be okay if it were a complete stranger. But it was an *attractive* guy that plays MTG in the restaurant all the time. When he came back, his face was as red as a beet and it was the most awkward thing in my life. Before that, I had finally worked up the courage to talk to him without his friends around and the next minute, I'm walking in on him while he's holding his dick.
**TL;DR: Forgot to knock, saw his cock.**
Edit: Okay, so a lot of people are saying it's "not that big of a deal" because of the way I seem to be explaining it. I'm explaining it from a "oh my gosh, saw my crush's dick" sort of way. But in reality, if it were a stranger who actually cared, I could have probably gotten into some serious trouble. Probably even legal trouble, since people love suing out of their asses. I'm supposed to knock and say "McDonald's?" before walking in because walking in the restroom of the opposite sex is kind of inappropriate without warning. idk man. idk.
Floyd_Pink: MTG?
Pooph_: Magic the Gathering
ThegreatPee: If he plays Magic the Gathering, he will probably sleep with any girl he can get.
puddlesofblood: I'm not trying to say this to protect him or anything, but he really is an attractive guy with a cool personality as well. He's not like the "Oh boy! *snort* I HOPE MY COLLECTOR'S CARD COMES IN TODAY!!"
ThegreatPee: That made me laugh my head off! I was playing on Steriotypes, hope it works out for you:)
| 6 | 14.833333 | |
1396035042 | 1396064826 | t3_21m7fi | t5_2to41 | 1,725 | ExpiredMemes: TIFU by hovering
So I am in a resturant and really have to take a dump. I walk into the one stall and the toilet is midly dirty. I figured I would position my hands on the clean parts of the toilet seat to leverage my ass over the toilet hole.
Everything was going fine but felt odd at the end. I stand up to wipe and there it is... a perfect pile of shit on the toilet seat. I panic as the stench of shit starts filling the bathroom. At that moment I see the paper toilet seat covers I wish I used earlier. I grab a wad of the paper toilet seat covers and try and push the shit into the toilet. In my mind it would have fallen in like a domino. In reality it just smeared shit everywhere.
My mind alerted me to the fact I have too many paper toilet seat covers with shit in my hand to flush. The panic increased as I start picturing the stench making it out the door where nice people are eating breakfast.
I took stock of the situation. There was no way the bathroom is going to be clean when I leave and a flooded toilet is worse then a non-flooded toilet. I drop everything. Wash my hands. Eat quickly. Pay. Run like hell.
tl;dr I am the guy that shit on the toilet seat and then threw shit against the wall like a god damn monkey.
Sorry.
NobodySpecific: Let me get this straight. You thought it was better to put your hands, the things that you touch your face with, the things you eat with, onto the dirty toilet seat than to place your ass on it? I understand you can wash your hands (not 100% though), but has anybody anywhere ever gotten sick from sitting on a dirty toilet seat? It's not like your asshole is just going to suck everything in, and the stuff coming out isn't exactly clean.
Dfry: >It's not like your asshole is just going to suck everything in...
Oh my god, can you imagine?
xBarneyStinsonx: I could get drunk so fast!
SneerfulWizard: You could be that guy that had swamp ass so he butt chugged hand sanitizer.
darkgamr: I think I'm really glad I have no idea what swamp ass is.
x5pl01t5: Very humid, hard to breath, and waist high waters.
darkgamr: I didn't think anyone other than Danny Devito even knew how to let their ass breathe
| 8 | 215.625 | |
1396038708 | 1396145641 | t3_21mddr | t5_2to41 | 28 | mustangwolf1997: TIFU by jumping in front of a car
Hey guys. I posted this story a while back but deleted it after one day because of the legal issues that may have ensued. Now that it's been a year after the accident (In three days and two months) I'll be telling the story, that way anyone who HASN'T read it can laugh at me and learn why you LOOK BOTH WAYS.
Both me and the driver have worked everything out. Neither of us hold anything against eachother and have fully admitted to eachother and those around both sides, and we both admit fault for what we did. It was deemed a resolved case with equal fault, and no legal problems have come up. The driver and I now know eachother and like to joke about the day that happened.
This story will closely resemble the other one because I saved it in a word file, except that many of my memories have returned. Clearing up MANY details that I had to... Fabricate, to make sense of what happened. Sorry, /r/tifu. I lied, but I had no other way at the time to make sense of anything.
Now, enough ranting. I shall tell you the story.
---------------------------
On May 31st 2013, I was still solving my problem with skipping class. I attended all my classes that day, however which means, epic gaming.
I can hang out with my best friend.
The shoelace thing was a memory fabrication. Never happened.
So I go out so section (The smoking section of the school, however since 75% of the students there smoke, it's just called section.) to have a Pall Mall. My absolute favourites. I live in a small town in Canada, so there are no absolutely stunning smokes here. The most common is DKs. But I like Pall Malls because of the mix of flavour and strength. And also, Canada. I'm not misspelling words like "flavour" and "favourite", that is how they were originally spelt, and Canada kept that form.
Shit, I trailed off. Back on track!
I hang out with my friends and my best friend says he'll meet me at his house. He has to pick something up from Japanese class, so I can just head down to his house.
I finish my smoke and start walking. He literally lives two houses down after you cross the highway, so less than a block away.
I cross the highway and look across the street over to his house. His mom is out front waving at me. I wave back and start running to the house.
Can you see where this is going?
---------------
**HONK**
"OH SHIT"
***SCREEEEECH***
**CRASH**
bloodbloodbloodbloodbloodblood
-------
The rest of this story is copy paste but I'm going to edit some things to suit what I can now remember.
My head smashes their windshield (Stayed in one mangled, shattered piece) and my right hip dents the hood (BADLY)
They say that time appears to slow down when you're flying through the air. That is false. It's your mind's way of analyzing what just happened, and that slow motion thing is only a memory. It only is slow motion if you acknowledge that you remember it that way. Like me, it appeared to be at the time, but now I remember it in real time.
So yeah, flying through the air. It's disorienting. You think something like that would be cool, right? Nope. Completely out of control, moving so fast you can't register what you're seeing.
The momentum is too much to get up, so I continue to roll as they skid to a stop and the driver whips open the door.
I finally finish rolling, and I lie back in a puddle of my own blood and piss.
(Yes I pissed myself, BUT I JUST GOT HIT BY A CAR.)
You know, when you get hit by a car, there is no pain. There's the feeling of metal hitting your skin, but it doesn't hurt. Like, at all.
Until you pick yourself up off the ground and realize what happened.
Then it hurts like hell.
During the accident, my knuckles, arm, and wrist were cut to shit, and my new outfit was FUCKED. Oh, and so is my leg, but I don't give a shit.
I get up to collect my belongings, but my best friend's stepdad grabs my shoulders and says "Sit down. We've brought a crate over, Sit."
The driver's buddies collect my things while the driver stands there screaming "YOU JUMPED IN FRONT OF MY CAR!"
Then ANOTHER guy comes screeching up in a car, and the passenger climbs and sits out the window screaming "WHAT THE FUCK MAN?! WHAT HAPPENED?!"
This guy gives me the evilest glare in the world.
Anyway, my best friend's mom called an ambulance, and I spent a good 7 hours going to multiple hospitals for treatment.
They had to cut up my favorite outfit to get to my practically non-existent injuries.
I escaped a two house long launch from getting hit by a car (Went from the truck loading dock of the store to just before my friend's lawn two houses away) with only minor injuries.
At the time, I was pissed. (literally AND mentally) I perceived it as he hit me and was in the wrong, but even though he was speeding (60 Kph, or 40 Mph, the designated kill speed for a car/ped accident), I was jaywalking. I was in the wrong too, and I can admit that.
But because at the time I felt pissed, I would up thinking up something funny in a facebook chat.
The driver rolled his car in a ditch the very next day, so I simply said "That's car-ma for you."
God, I'm an asshole.
The ironic part? The night before, I was playing Garry's Mod using the NPC camera and running people over, trying to see what getting hit by a car is like.
Final piece of info for you, the only long term damage is a blood clot in the muscle of my leg. There was a bit of internal bleeding that all gathered in one area. Still hasn't fully dissolved yet, but I'm starting to regain feeling in that area. It's been numb for a year, damn.
To this day, I still ask myself the same question.
WHY AM I ALIVE?!
TL;DR: I was hit by a speeding car one year ago, and escaped with minor injuries and no breaks. Driver and I are acquaintances.
------------------
Edit: I don't even know the date. It's March this month, not May. SORRY FOR THE CONFUSION.
KhetdaNight: Damn dude... You are very lucky, I'm glad to read that you recovered from such an experience. I just can't imagine what it would be like...
mustangwolf1997: It's like a dream. The first thing you think is "I'm dreaming." Feels exactly like one.
ISTRANGLEHOOKERSAMA: If you don't mind me asking, what high school is this? I'm also in small town Canada and I've heard something close to that story happened last year.
mustangwolf1997: At the end of May? What province do you live in?
ISTRANGLEHOOKERSAMA: Alberta.
mustangwolf1997: Did the accident take place in your town? Because I live in a small town in Ontario, but a good friend of mine lives in Edmonton. But by saying this, I'm suggesting that everyone in Alberta knows eachother.
ISTRANGLEHOOKERSAMA: I'm near Edmonton, but It happened in the small town, so I had the wrong story.
mustangwolf1997: Alright.
| 9 | 3.111111 | |
1396046311 | 1396103980 | t3_21mosn | t5_2to41 | 219 | fork_fork_fork: TIFU: Saying "semen" to my grandparents 3 times
Preface:
I have to admit I'm a bit embarrassed that I don't have a relatively horrifying story to tell, given that some have you have shit him or her self, or performed accidental genital mutilation. Nevertheless, there are still nights where I lie awake, stare at the ceiling and mutter: "Oh god, why?"
The fuck up:
My aunt owns a successful catering business and is very proud of her work; so much so that she performs all the prep work for the food herself, no matter the size of the occasion. It is because of this, she doesn't have any permanent employees. She can't very well serve 300 people by herself, so she has the family members help, such as my grand parents, my cousins and myself.
My grand-parents are fairly cliche: sweet, kind and obviously perceive their grand children as little angels.
While driving to the church where the wedding event is being held, I'm on the phone with my aunt. "Yeah, I just passed Seymour St.... Yes.... Ok, see you soon."
I make it to the church. My family and I serve the 300 people perfectly resulting in all very happy guests.
While my aunt is preparing a bunch of food for me to take home and devour, I stop washing dishes to talk to my grand-parents.
My grandfather looks at me: "Ah, fork_fork_fork, you did such a wonderful job. Thank you for all your help." His eyes twinkle with the love only a grandfather could have.
I smile and nod with a quick "Thanks!".
"We actually got lost our way here; what way did you take driving here?" My sweet grandmother asks me.
Let us pause here: in exactly 3 seconds, I fuck up. I know Freudian slips are embarrassing, yet they are common and usually are not something to be too ashamed about. This isn't a typical Freudian slip though; you see, my brain sometimes has this weird thing that it does, where it just completely shuts down its common sense module. I also have this habit of speaking aloud when I'm confused.
I smile at my grandmother: "Oh, just go west on Hickory Rd to the express way; y'no, past Semen St."
My words instantly strike my grandparents to awkward discomfort. However, at this time I'm thinking: Semen St... that doesn't sound right. Is that the road name?
I confused myself so I openly ponder out loud again: "Semen St...."
Nope, weird, still doesn't sound right, my brain says to me. You better say it one more time out loud just to be sure.
For third fucking time, out loud: "Semen St...." My eyes glaze as I stare off in the distance.
At this point, I look at my grandparents and realize how uncomfortable they look. My grandfather makes this sigh, and my grandmother is just staring at me, mouth slightly hanging open. No one says anything.
Huh, this is weird... oh yeah, that street is called Seymour St. Ha, I knew I'd figure it out. I'm so smart, later I should treat myself to OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
"Haha" I forcefully laugh, my exterior is putting on the best facade I could; but insides are just raging inside me, my brow starts sweating and I'm kind of panicking.
How the hell did I say Semen three times in front of my grandparents?
I'm still trying to draw out this really uncomfortable laugh: "Hahahaaaa.... see ya!" And I just B-line the fuck out of there, having no idea how to recover from such awkwardness.
We all just pretend that moment never happened.
TL;DR: Spat Semen into my grandparents' faces.
[deleted]: When I was about 9, I was at my fairly religious grandparents house. We were there for Easter, and since it's a religious holiday, at one point, they were having us kids read passages out of the bible.
I only had to read a few short verses. A few verses that had the word 'Gentile' in them several times. Gentile, a word that I pronounced 'genitals' every single time. I realized it after the first two or so times, but in an attempt to blame my mistake on poor reading skills, rather than having genitalia on my mind, I kept on reading it as genitals.
This was years before I discovered [the joys of John Lajoie (pretty NSFW)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqXi8WmQ_WM), and it was that day that I knew my life would never be the same again.
CatBawx: You really could have got yourself some karma and posted this story as your own TIFU but you didn't and I respect that.
But you should anyway. The people must know of this TYFU.
EDIT: I have no idea what I'm talking about
Overtoast: You don't get karma from self-posts, only comments. This is the way to maximize his karma.
CatBawx: My apologies, you are correct.
| 5 | 43.8 | |
1396051763 | 1396113730 | t3_21mwnh | t5_2to41 | 71 | onewithapandahat: TIFU by insulting a lot of people that were on a field trip
Posting this about 6 hours after it happened because I was so distraught.
Background: my SO has an epileptic younger brother, so she is relatively active in the special needs community. This will all tie in to the story in a bit.
This happened sometime this morning when I was driving my SO to work (she was running late, and I'm more confident with my driving than she is, so why not?)
I stopped upon a cross street with several children walking up to the crosswalk with a teacher leading the pack as it's a school day. There was one particularly... *special* looking child right next to the teacher, but I thought nothing of it because I was more concerned that the children were being walked to who knows where down a fairly busy street in the middle of the fast food district, and that a few of them were straggling in the gutters.
Now let me set the scene. It's a four lane road and I'm in the second to closest lane to the the corner. Both my windows are rolled down, the radio was off and my SO was in the passenger seat. All the kids had caught up by now and the "cheerleader-effect" made me believe that all the children in question were, well...normal school children. Boy was I wrong.
I said in my most...er... We Tod Ed voice: "FIELD TWIP. IT'S A FIELD TWIP GUYTHS".
Not only did the face of my SO look absolutely mortified by that comment, but so was the lady's face that was in the lane next to mine.
It was the perfect combination of the road being just quiet enough, and me being *just* loud enough, all in a little convenient package that was beautifully wrapped up with my SO's backhand, that I noticed that the aforementioned teacher looked at me with a mortified look as well but only tenfold.
I, being slightly groggy from last night because of cough syrup (but that's not at all a good excuse for my behaviour), hadn't realized what I said, or how loud I said it, until all these people's horrified looks simultaneously hadoukened me in the face which is when I HAD realized what I said.
Upon closer inspection of the situation, I noticed that the teacher was wearing a (insert name of high school that has special needs classes' special needs class' name here) sweater. I shit myself. My SO shit herself. And I think the kid that was up front started crying.
All this happened this morning.
All within the same 20 second span of red light.
Yay me.
Tl;dr made myself look like an ass with a more or less drug enduced statement in front of who the hell knows how many people because I didn't decide to stick around long enough to count.
Update: I work at a skating rink and wouldn't you fucking know it they came. God fucking fuck. They don't recognize me I don't think because I changed shirts and popped on some contacts, so, yeah.
ProblemPie: S'pose this is as good a time as any to just floor it into red light traffic!
ISTRANGLEHOOKERSAMA: and run over the kids?
ProblemPie: Egress by any means necessary.
| 4 | 17.75 | |
1396062073 | 1396191107 | t3_21na2f | t5_2to41 | 8 | Honeybadger_69: TIFU by taking a piss before washing my hands
So here I am eating some nice spicy Cajun food getting my hands filthy as fuck had a couple shots and a few beers by this time and decide to go take a piss. Well not thinking I go to the restroom and pull it out do my business wash my hands and go back to the table. A few minuets later I feel a burning sensation on my sack at first thought nothing of it but as the night proceeded it quickly got stronger, finally realizing that I had Cajun spices all over my hands when I went to take a piss, rubbing it all over my sack when I did my business
So now I have Cajun spices all over my nut sack burning the shit out of my balls.
Good word of advise never rub Cajun spices on your nut sack...
Honeybadger_69: You don't?
Gotta let the boys breathe at some point in the day.
KristyConfused: I can honestly say that I don't.
Honeybadger_69: Maybe it's a southern thing?
KristyConfused: Maybe. I'm not from the South, despite living in Alabama now. Or maybe it's just the fact that I don't like my nuts.
Honeybadger_69: As nasty as the sack is you gotta be good to it and take care of it. The testies are an important part in a mans life they basically control how the man will live and how well he will live.
KristyConfused: Well they're gonna have to go eventually. I can't be a woman knowing them things are just dangling there. Maybe other trans women can handle it, but not me.
| 7 | 1.142857 | |
1396067863 | 1396098305 | t3_21ngut | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by drinking a diet coke
The previous night I had consumed a fair amount of alchohol so I decided to cool my jets with a diet coke. About halfway through my drink, I pass out only to wake up at about 7:00 to an insanely dry mouth. Fortunately (or so I thought) I had not finished my diet coke from last night. Without thinking I take a large gulp from the can and quickly find it splattered everywhere along with what seemed like little coffee grounds In my soda. Upon closer inspection, I realize that a giant horde of ants have crawled into my soda and made their way down my throat. Completely disgusted with the fact that I just drank a bunch of ants, I throw up. This causes a chain reaction in the people around me and vomit is spewed everywhere.
Moral of the story? Dont drink soda that could be full of ants.
SpontaneousLightBulb: Where do you live that half a can of soda is FILLED with ants in a matter of a few hours? Doesn't seem true.
sykoballzy: Also, Ants don't flock like that to diet coke. It's not a sugar they want. Totally false.
friedjumboshrimp: Agreed
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1396051842 | 1396110912 | t3_21mwrs | t5_2to41 | 18 | LadyGrizabella: TIFU by taking the wrong kind of allergy medicine
Because both hubby and I are extremely prone to seasonal allergies, we tend to keep both regular Benadryl (which knocks us on our asses and puts us to sleep) as well as daytime WalMart brand allergy medication.
The other morning, in my half-awake, coffee hasn't kicked in yet state I took the Benadryl instead of the daytime one that doesn't make me sleepy. I didn't have to work until 10:30, so after I dropped my son off at school I went back home for a couple hours and took a nap. I set an alarm so I wouldn't forget to get up and go to work but the whole day I felt kind of weird, like my body was trying to go back to sleep desperately but I kept forcing it to move around and do stuff.
Bebinn: You shouldn't have been driving in that state. Very dangerous, worse than being drunk, you could have fallen asleep at the wheel. Benadryl knocks me on my ass but I'm a lightweight when it comes to medications. I would have been sound asleep for 12 hours, no way I could have gone to work under that influence.
LadyGrizabella: In hindsight, you're totally right. I shouldn't have. I felt really out of whack all day and I realized when I got home what I'd done. I'm honestly surprised I didn't injure myself or someone else while under the influence of the Benadryl.
| 3 | 6 | |
1396107598 | 1396116034 | t3_21ocdm | t5_2to41 | 295 | IAMATHROWAWAY2042: TIFU 2 Days Ago I Almost Became a Sex Offender - At 17
So throwaway for obvious reasons. I understand what I did was wrong, and I learned my lesson.
Here's a bit of history. I've been with my girlfriend for over a year. We've had our ups and downs, but we've been committed to each other through it all. I even bought her a $300 promise ring. We both love each other very much. The real fun part is that I did all these things without telling my parents. They're very against relationships, and they just don't like the idea in general.
Anyhow, I was out to see my girlfriend at this park we like to go to. Hold hands, take a walk, that sort of thing. It's pretty much deserted at the park, so we figure we can get a bit more... intimate. So we're making out in one of the shelters there, then things get a bit more frisky. We start making out a bit harder, then she asks me if I want to go behind the shelter. The treeline is right behind the shelter, and so it's quite secluded. We continue to make out, then she asks me if I would like to touch her breasts. They're awesome. Size I cups. I'm really horny, so of course I'm gonna touch! So she lifts up her bra and lets them hang. I'm not an idiot that would let his girlfriend get topless outside, so I make sure that her shirt and hoodie is still covering them as I touch.
So we make out for a bit like that. And we hear a "CRUNCH" behind us. SHIT. It's a park ranger. As expected, we both freak out. Me quickly getting my hands out from under her shirt. (At this point I was not touching her breasts. My hands were rubbing her belly, though from how quickly I moved my hands back it could be inferred that I was.
He asks us for our IDs. I have my temps, so I give them to him. My girlfriend doesn't have any on her at the time. He tells us to walk back with him and stand in front of his truck. We do that, as he goes and gets on his laptop thing. After a bit, he comes out to tell us that I could be under arrest for "touching of erogenous zones" and my girlfriend for indecent exposure. (I'm not quite sure if he could really see anything though.) This could result in me/us being registered as (a) sex offender(s). Not cool. At least he realizes that we're both young, stupid, horny teens, and at least we treated him with respect. He tells us that he is just going to let us off with a warning, but that since we are both minors, he is required by law to contact our parents.
Since my parents are so against us, and didn't even know we were together at the park, this will come as a shock to them. My girlfriend bursts into tears, sobbing. Great... They separate us, my girlfriend with his female partner, and me with him. The ranger calls both our parents and she gets picked up soon after. For me though, my mom opts to wait until my dad gets home, and so I have to wait in the ranger's truck. All things considered, he was pretty chill. He told me that honestly he wishes he could let me go, but the law keeps him from it. We talk for a bit, and he tells me not for this mishap to get in the way of my life, and that he's done stupid things too like me when he was a teen.
My parents pick me up and are just shocked. They take me back home, where they talk to me about how disappointed they are in me. That I ruined my reputation. That I ruined my girlfriends reputation. Just making me feel really bad. Sure, I screwed up. 2DAIFU (2 days ago I fucked up.)
EDIT: Thanks guys for all the support! You guys are just great. Thank you so very much.
AppleShark: Seems like your parents is the issue here. I would suggest you to talk to them for a bit about relationships and personal space. All the best.
IAMATHROWAWAY2042: I've been trying to do that with them. Now they say that I'm "really not ready" to have a girlfriend.
AppleShark: Did they mention a criteria for you to be "ready"? These are boundaries issues in need of a serious and mature discussion. Talk to them about how you see the relationship, what you will and will not do; Think about why they are against you having a relationship and address those issues one by one until you can convince them that you are a maturing young adult in need of exploring the world in your own way. Good luck OP
IAMATHROWAWAY2042: I agree. I've been trying to talk to them about things, but they're stuck in the mindset that relationships are only for those who can support a family and get married. Not for two teenagers.
VoicesDontStop: They don't understand that a relationship at this age is a good way to prepare for a relationship in the future.
How will you know what to do if you've never had experience in it?
IAMATHROWAWAY2042: I'll just... know? Kinda like what happened with them in their relationship.
CaptainBenza: That's some shitty parenting. At least you'll know that if you ever have kids you won't act like that because you know how bad it is to have parents like that.
| 8 | 36.875 | |
1396105625 | 1396111544 | t3_21oa0l | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by making fart noises in the bathroom.
So today, my friend and I were at a really boring dance and wanted to have to some fun, so we went in the bathroom and made fart noises in the stall. It was hilarious, until the principal of the school came in to the bathroom looking for my friend. Since my friend was in the stall, he is unaware that the principal came in. I heard him walk in, so I ran out of the stall. My friend blasted into his hand as loud as he could. I ran out of the stall as quick as I could. He looks at me weird as I run out of the bathroom, and my friend walks out almost paralyzed. My teachers know about that now.
That_Deaf_Guy: Are you guys 12?
rabyjones: No, you have to have fun some way. The DJ was playing complete crap really loud.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1396105118 | 1396191518 | t3_21o9dg | t5_2to41 | 780 | smellshart: TIFU small time
Just a small time fuck up.
Wanted to check my Shell clubsmart account yesterday at work in my break.
Type in clubsmart homepage name...
smellshart.com
not available? Hmm.. lets type in again.
shellsmart.com
works.. weird.
Boss comes in 3 hours later:
I have to talk to you..
Have talk, bla bla bla
He didn't believe me that I really dont have a weird fetish and is monitoring my PCs outgoing connection thingy all the time.
CockGobblin: Enter this url at work...
https://www.google.ca/#q=how+to+kill+my+boss
karmichoax: I sense a canadian meme here....
AT WORK I GOOGLED HOW TO KILL MY BOSS
WITH KINDNESS
Edit: TIFU posting a joke and lost all my internet points
scix: I sense that its time for you to go to 6th period.
karmichoax: I'm going home to cry... What the hell is that -85 for a bad joke? I'm Canadian!
scix: Muh internet points tho.
karmichoax: Mah points. :(
CockGobblin: That's what you get for messing with .CA. No one messes with .CA and gets away with it.
karmichoax: But... I am .CA. I got kinder eggs, coffee crisp, caramilk bars and I'm sitting on a chesterfield wearing a toque. ;(
CockGobblin: Were is your Tim Horton's coffee?!?!
karmichoax: Sipping my double double good sir.
| 11 | 70.909091 | |
1396120055 | 1396186125 | t3_21oudu | t5_2to41 | 13 | Sansasaslut: TIFU and got a DUI
It was my girlfriends's sister's birthday party and me and a couple mates just smashed back a few beers. I see my brand new car chilling in the street and at 1am decide it'll be a good idea to go for a drive and see how fast I can go. Got pulled up doing 30km/h over the limit, then breath test and everything goes way above what it's supposed to.
Let out few hours later, girlfriend doesn't wanna talk to me anymore (she'll get over it), cop still has the keys and I have no way to get to work which is in an hour. The funny thing is every time I hear of this happening to someone else I think "You shouldn't have broken the law fuckbag" but now that it's me it's nowhere near as funny. Oh well I guess I deserved it.
wolfcry0: Hopefully you learned something
Driving drunk is one thing that I think should come with many years in jail
ProblemPie: I think they should just have those things installed in every car that can detect if you're drunk through, like, your sweat? Or something? So you can't even get the car to shift if you're intoxicated.
Vovix1: Actually, after someone is convicted of DUI, they sometimes put a breathalyzer in that you have to blow into to start the car. And it won't start if you're over the limit.
Jcashed: Or if on probation it won't start at all if you blow higher than a 0.0
In high school my friend had one of those in his car
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1396125446 | 1396128289 | t3_21p2ce | t5_2to41 | 127 | pigonawing: TIFU by throwing my keys into a tree.
I threw my keys down from the fifth floor to my friend so he could get into my dorm, and I managed to get my keys stuck on a branch about thirty feet up.
[Here's a crappy image of said fuck up.] (http://imgur.com/P9UE9eZ)
[deleted]: Hopefully you can find someone willing to lend you a ladder.
pigonawing: Who needs a ladder when you have persistence and a basketball? A friend and I took turns throwing a basketball at the tree for close to half an hour.
[deleted]: Niiice.
| 4 | 31.75 | |
1396128866 | 1396399995 | t3_21p76u | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by sending an unintentionally creepy text to a girl
I'm going to start with a small introduction of my story:
This summer I'm going to a festival with a friend of mine, his girlfriend and her best friend (let's call her Emma). Yesterday was the prom night of her school. And she'd thought it'd be a good idea to ask me to get to know each other a bit better before going the festival this summer. I thought it was a great idea because she is really cute (an easy 9/10 , I'm a 7/10 tops) and from what I've heard she's really fun to be with. The party yesterday was great but she really didn't talk to me much, but she had a bit too much to drink so I just figured it was the alcohol. She doesn't have her driving license yet, so I had to pick her up and bring her home after prom.
Now comes the part where I fucked up:
Today she sent me a text thanking me for taking her home safely yesterday night and asking me if I had a good time. I sent her a (unintentionally creepy) text back and now she hasn't responded yet.
This was the text: 'Hey Emma, no problem for taking you home yesterday night. I really had a great time. You didn't talk much to me yesterday, but it's usually awkard when you meet someone for the first time, isn't it ;) .'
FML, I'm terrible with girls.
DrScrambledEggplants: It's ok OP, there are more fish in the sea. We all fuck up. We're teens right now, it's the fuck up period of our lives :)
Edit: Downvoted, and for what? I thought this sub was different :(
shredderrrrrr: You were probably downvoted for saying OP fucked up when the consensus seems to be he didn't actually fuck up.
I'm not sure though. Here, have an upvote!
DrScrambledEggplants: Still, it's not the right reason to downvote, it's not what the button was made for.
shredderrrrrr: Like it or not, the upvote is used for things you like/agree with and the downvote is for things you don't like/disagree with.
DrScrambledEggplants: Even though that isn't what downvotes are actually for
shredderrrrrr: ...and? Sex was designed for procreation and not pleasure, but that doesn't change how people treat it.
I'm not saying it doesn't suck how it is used, but expecting anything else is silly at this point.
DrScrambledEggplants: It actually depends on the sub, in my experience. I thought this sub was one of the rare ones that didn't do that, but apparently not.
shredderrrrrr: I think it's just that this sub is rarely contentious and people generally get along, so there aren't many downvotes thrown around.
| 9 | 1 | |
1396123898 | 1396401529 | t3_21p000 | t5_2to41 | 454 | jacobhannah2011: TIFU by spanking my grandma's ass
So I am in the military and my family and I rarely get to go "home" and see our parents and grandparents. So twice a year we try to make it home to see them.
Fast forward and we are at my aunts house and my grandparents are also over to visit with us. My wife and I were looking at something out the patio window which looks into a forest. I walked away to check on our son who was in the other room for a quick minute. As I return I thought my wife was still looking at the window dark hair, dark pants, about 5 foot tall, and so being the perv I am I proceed to walk up and slap "her" on the ass with a playful tap. As my hand meets I end with a grab and that was when it hit me.
I realized the ass I was grabbing was not my wife's tight young perfectly round bottom and was instead a flabby flatter rear side. My grandmother turns around and we make eye contact, I am obviously instantly mortified and go into retard mode and blurt out, "Thats not (wifes names) ass". You would think I said it in a surprised tone, but in my dumbfounded state I said it in a matter of fact tone. And I just leave the room.
I can never live it down, knowing that I basically fondled my grandmother's butt. No matter how hard I try I can't forget the feeling "not a good one". Luckily they all thought it was the funniest shit ever and agreed it was a reasonable mistake given the hair color and clothing resemblance. But yeah regardless it was a pretty epic fuck up none the less.
TLDR: I slapped/grabbed my grandmothers ass in the most sensual way possible in front of half of my family.
metaltrite: Was your wife pissed that you could possibly make that mistake?
jacobhannah2011: No, she was actually understanding of it given the similarity in clothing and that I had just entered the room I guess she just understood I was already extremely embarrassed so why add salt to the wound she's a keeper!
shredderrrrrr: Fuck punctuation I like that you just keep talking and don't separate sentence it's great!
Great story though OP. Much prefer it to the typical, "I pooped myself" stories.
jacobhannah2011: Thank you for taking the time to comment just to be an asshole. It's way better than the usual comments that are humorous and relevant to the post.
shredderrrrrr: Huh? Are you really that offended by me giving you shit for your punctuation? Or did you read some sarcasm into my post?
jacobhannah2011: I took a bit of offense just because I couldn't tell if you were in fact being a dick, or if you were just being sarcastic. It's really hard to tell on reddit. Mainly due to the fact that so many grammar nazis roam the threads throughout the sight. I think I may have over-reacted though, and I do apologize if you were just being sarcastic. I also appreciate that some post are so poorly written that it is almost painful too read through them, and I do want you to know that even though I am not an English major I did in fact try to make it as smooth as possible!
jacobhannah2011: Also I was trying to make my response a bit sarcastic and witty as well, so I really wasn't just trying to be a total douche with my response, and I thought it was a bit clever.
| 8 | 56.75 | |
1396136465 | 1396473949 | t3_21pi40 | t5_2to41 | 31 | dun_yow_like_soup: Tifu by screaming along to BabyMetal at a funeral
About a month ago a friend introduced me to the band/group babymetal and I haven't took out the cd player in my truck since. So this morning the weather was nice enough to have the windows down and the music up enjoying driving around in my 60ft long 40 ton artic. During my run this morning I came to a stop at the traffic lights next to a chuch. This is where it all went wrong. Not paying any attention to anything else other than the road I didn't know that I was stopped along side a funeral car unloading a coffin. Now I always feel awkward enough stopping a big smelly noisy truck any where like this (weddings, funerals etc) but what put the icing on the cake today is that I was screaming along to the song 'Death'. A song that basically chants the word death over and over. This seemed to upset a family member who banged on the side of the truck and called me an insensitive prick. Thats where I became completely aware of what was happening. So like a coward I sent the window up, turned the music down and waited for the lights to change
Mandoge: i don't understand the big deal about this band..
Purplegill10: It's just a really unique sound that a lot of people like I guess.
Mandoge: It is unique but.. nothing special to be honest. I don't hate the band i just dont see anything that stands out.
Purplegill10: Understood, personally I just keep them in my spotify playlist to surprise me every once in a while.
| 5 | 6.2 | |
1396138674 | 1396155354 | t3_21plb5 | t5_2to41 | 62 | Mr_Derk: TIFU by helping a homeless guy.
So today was a nice day out, plenty of sun and clear skies. I felt like I needed to go out for a walk to enjoy the beautiful weather. I was sitting on a park bench when this old black fellow casually comes up to me all friendly like.
The conversation was something like this:
Little Black Man: " Hello Mr_Derk, do you mind if I sit hear.
Me: " No, go ahead"
Little Black Man: " What's wrong Mr_Derk you look sad?"
Me: " Nooo... I'm not sad, I'm just out for a walk."
The man begins to go on about how nice he thinks I am even though I did or said anything of value to him. He goes on about how generous people are to him and how he got his coat from nice people. Then he dropped the big question. Do you think you could spare some money? Now I don't look poor at all, in fact I was wearing a very nice peacoat and my BOSE head phones which scream I have money. My conscious is a little bitch and gives into these things really easy because I know that there are people out there that really need the help. So I buy into it and say I'll help him out. I told him I would give him a twenty so that he could get a meal and take the bus home. I didn't have money on me so I had to go to an ATM to get the money. I needed to take some money out anyway so it wasn't like I was wasting a transaction or anything. I go there and begin to go through the process of taking out money. He's begging for $40 at this point so that he can get home to some far away city. HOME, he said home, that was a red flag for me. Why was a guy an hour away from his so called home claiming to be homeless. Also I noticed that when I withdrew $60 instead of $40 he pulled one of [these.](http://i.imgur.com/RmQB0i6.gif) I was past the point of no return as far as what I promised the guy. I turned around and told him I could only spare $20 and I needed the rest. He gladly took and began to walk off telling me god bless and the whole list of compliments you get when you give anyone anything.
I felt good. I was like, " Yea Mr_Derk you just earned yourself some real life karma." But then I remembered the flags that went off in my head during the whole interaction. The nice coat, the mismatched story about how he needed to get home to some city that was an hour away, and the way he acted when I was withdrawing the money. I didn't have anything to do so I figured I'd trail him.
I stat mixed into a crowd of people that were walking his direction for about a block. I noticed the man strut across the street to his buddy on the corner and he gives the twenty to him while doing some secret handshake. On cue some dude comes out of the local hot dog place and hands the mans buddy a fresh coney dog and the two strut away with there take. I was pretty suspicious at this point. The whole time this interaction was happening I managed to get about a few hundred feet ahead of them so I just sat on a bench and played on my phone. They walked past and the little black man notices me and wishes me a great day again. I imediatly get up and walk across the street acting as friendly as I could. I trailed them about 2 more blocks (Heading away from any kind of bus) only to see them end up at a bar where they go in for about 15 minutes. When they leave they both disperse and start the whole act all over again. I realized what little money I have as a college student has gone toward some hoodlum's love for alcohol.
**TL;DR. I Gave 20 bucks to homless alcoholics.**
cbwolfpack: Yeah, never give the homeless money. Most of the time its for drugs or alcohol. If you want to help them, offer to buy a sandwich or something.
lighter10: This.
Funnily enough, I was once with some friends downtown. While walking into a mcdonalds there was a woman sitting near the door begging.
We didn't pay her any attention, but on the way out my friend offered her the rest of his fries (about 3/4 gof a large portion, still there). Not only didn't she accept them, but started barking like some cunt as if we offered her a piece of shit with shared glass.
Obviously anything besides money is of no use to her, since she was probably not really homeless or working in some kind of gang.
Some people are really messed up in the head.
bluewee: That happens far too often
| 4 | 15.5 | |
1396126300 | 1396233517 | t3_21p3ji | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: tifu by getting pizza
So today I went to get pizza for my sister and myself. I took my mom's car because it drives a little nicer than mine and I'm picking up my sister from the airport tonight. So I get the pizza and pay and go back to my car. I get in and put the keys in the ignition. I turn then and.... Nothing. Crap. I run inside and ask if anyone could give me a jump. So a guy came out and said he'd help me. I brought the jumper cables out and he took them. He attached them to my car and went to start his car. He dropped the cables to open his car and they landed on each other. There were sparks and I already saw the metal getting glowing hot. I grabbed them and pulled them apart and he said "oops," and went to open his car. No big deal, that's something I would do. Here's where the fun REALLY starts. He turns on his car (why, I don't know, you don't need the car to be on) and popped the hood. He got out and lifted his hood and attached the cables. He told me to start my car, so I walked over to my mom's car. The door was shut and it was locked. WHERE ARE MY KEYS. I checked my coat pocket, the ground, the top of the car, inside the pizza restaurant, and was getting scared. I THEN checked my pants pocket and finally found them. But wait, it isn't over. My car started, but it was windy. I thanked him and unattached the cables and put them in my trunk. He started swearing about then and I looked over. His car door had shut. He was locked out of his car. So I said, 'oh my gosh I'm so so sorry, is there anything I can do?' To which he responded 'no, I need a coat hanger to hit the unlock button.' Now I'm a bit awkward so I said, 'man I don't have one in my car, I'm sorry man...' stared at him for a moment, said 'sorry but thank you!' And drove off quickly. There's somewhere I can't ever go back. TIFU.
TL;DR: being jumped by the pizza guy wasn't a great ending... for him....
spokeymo: You could have gone to get him a coat hanger and brought it back at least.
glottal__stop: Yeah OP is kind of a dick...
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1396143253 | 1396234177 | t3_21prj7 | t5_2to41 | 204 | itwasabouttime: TIFU by lighting my toilet on fire.
This actually happened a couple of days ago, but i haven't gotten around to it.
So, I was reading a book for class when nature called. So i grab my book and head to the toilet. While I'm in there, I notice a small ping pong ball. I pick it up and start turning it over in my hands. It is slightly pressed in on one side, and no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to fix it.
After I'm done, I pick up a lighter to cover the atrocious smell. While I'm covering up the smell, I have an idea that I will soon regret. Hot air expands, right? So, if I hold my lighter under my ping pong ball, it will push out the flat side, right? Wrong. The only thing I succeed at doing is lighting the ball on fire. Panicked, I throw the ball into the water, with the hopes that it will be put out.
Ping pong balls are surprisingly flammable. That baby was burning like a butthole filled with capsaicin. Throwing it into the water didn't help. It was like a boat on fire. It just burned ironically. Surrounded by water and it just keeps floating.
Anyway, the ball floated to the back of the toilet, and starts burning it. I try to blow it out, but by the time i have the sense to flush it, damage had been done. I burned my toilet pretty badly. Luckily, my mom wasn't home, but I had to clean it up by the time someone got suspicious. I tried to clean it but there is still visible damage.
Nobody has noticed yet. I might get away with this.
Proof: http://imgur.com/a/qEEzn
fredinvisible: Tenuously relevant, but you can make a smoke bomb by wrapping a ping pong ball with aluminium foil, leaving a small part uncovered, and lighting it on fire.
Money_Pockets: This is good stuff to know.
irGoodman: Good to know if you enjoy breathing problems for the next 12 hours and lung damage.
If im being unclear, dont breathe that shit in.
Money_Pockets: No shit. Why the hell would you breathe in plastic smoke?
Quatzecoatl: Interestingly, ping pong balls aren't plastic. They are made of nitrocellulose, same as magician's flash paper. It burns extremely easily :) it's essentially paper with extra nitrate groups attached, hence the nitrocellulose.
Money_Pockets: Oh wow thanks :) makes sense now why it burns like that.
Quatzecoatl: Ever put one in the microwave? ;) it's... Interesting.
Money_Pockets: I've seen a YouTube video!
itwasabouttime: Can a brotha get a link?
Money_Pockets: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=s0uX7DIkT3E
| 11 | 18.545455 | |
1396145905 | 1396207254 | t3_21pv3n | t5_2to41 | 33 | themonrt: TIFU by buying a 5 year old a vibrator for her birthday
I bought this really cool lamp for a friend's daughter. It lights up when and changes colors when you push the switch to the right. Push it to the left....and it vibrates.
I have no idea why it has this feature....awkward....
lostdeceiver: Soon she'll love lamp.
My-Account-For-Trees: If I wasn't ridiculously broke I would give you gold, so,.. Have an upvote.
| 3 | 11 | |
1396221397 | 1396267983 | t3_21qs1f | t5_2to41 | 7 | ilikeeatingbrains: Alt accounts usually do.
[deleted]: Except this isn't an alt account.
ilikeeatingbrains: Suuuuure buddy.
ilikeeatingbrains: Hey, leave him alone.
ilikeeatingbrains: Shut up!
ilikeeatingbrains: no u
How_Majestic: Is... Is this all the same person?
ilikeeatingbrains: If all the users are being shown as the same, you might need to reboot your computer.
ilikeeatingbrains: Ah shit, that fixed it, thanks /u/_vargas_
| 9 | 0.777778 | |
1396166789 | 1396189413 | t3_21qgg2 | t5_2to41 | 7 | smallkidbigcity: TIFU by getting drunk and spilling some beans
So I've been having some casual sex with the younger sister (N) of one of my good friends / housemate who is also a girl (H). H didn't know anything about us, almost none of our mutual friends did either. It was actually pretty good sex and we'd done quite well at keeping it quiet.
Now last night, i got nice and hammered with a few buddies. All of them mutual friends with both sisters and it turns out that in my drunken state i told at least one of my mates that we had been hooking up. Worst case is that i told about 6 people.
I didn't even know i had said anything until this morning. I forget things all the time when i drink. But N came to me and was pretty pissed off. One of our mutual friends told her that he knew about us. She asked who i had told but i have no recollection of the night. So hopefully it was just the one bloke..
Now i'm pretty worried about H finding out. We're all part of the same friendship group so it's highly likely.. I've honestly got no idea what her reaction could be. And I probably won't be getting any more of the sexy times either.
TL;DR Got drunk, told mates I had been hooking up with good friends younger sister, cockblocked myself and don't remember it.
Jcashed: So I assume you're dating "H" because other than that why would
You even give a shit? Just a little wisdom, if you have to hide the fact you're hooking up with someone, you should probably find someone else to hook up with. Regular people don't give shits about casual sex hook-ups, atleast not I'm my clique
KristyConfused: People are often protective of their younger siblings, especially younger sisters.
Jcashed: If the older one is letting the younger sister come around and I'd assume party, chill, be one of the group members then she would have to assume shed maybe hook up with a mutual friend casual sex or dating wise. Therefore hiding and sneaking around to me says one of you are ashamed so why even bother giving a damn?
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1396188677 | 1396227631 | t3_21qvyc | t5_2to41 | 94 | neojoker: TIFU by pinning one of my cats with the garage door.
My wife and kids are out of town, and I'm going to have to leave Monday for a business trip, so yesterday I was giving my uncle a rundown of what to do while we're gone to feed the cats and make sure there's a gap in the garage door so they can pass underneath.
Basically, their home with their beds and food and water is all nestled on the far side of the garage. They've got a nice little setup there with pressure-sensitive heat pads and if it ever gets too cold, they get to come inside. I'm in the South, so any cold worries don't happen often, except this weird winter.
I had driven my uncle to my house to be a bro, and had showed him the tolerance for the gap under the door while we were in my car to take him home. I had forgotten to get my wife's opener before she left, so I gave him the one remote I had, and use my key to go through the back door when I got back from dropping him off.
I went through the house door into the garage to hit the garage button, and I guess I startled one of the cats and he bolted away. When I hit the button, there was a yelp, because I had last moved the door upward to show the upper end of the gap in the door, so when I hit the button, the door went down instead of up. I had pinned the cat's neck under the garage door.
I flipped out. I was on the phone with my best friend and he thought I'd had a car accident. I hit the button twice as fast as I could (to stop the door and begin raising it up again), but while the door was responding, the cat had already ran all the way across the width of the garage door. I guess that's good, since it means that the door didn't go all the way down, but I don't know. As soon as the door raised a little, he bolted and I haven't seen him since. That was at about 11 pm last night.
I got off the phone with my friend after I explained what happened and used my phone's flashlight to spiral through mine and my neighbors' yards calling out for the cat. There was no blood or anything under the garage door, which was a relief, but I have no idea which direction the cat ran after he was unpinned. I only had about 10% battery on my phone and once it died, I came back into the garage and topped off the food bowls. I stood just inside the house door to the garage, hoping I'd see him come back while I charged my phone, but that was no luck.
The wife called during my stakeout, and I told her what I'd done. She seemed forgiving, considering I'd been worried about covering any issues my uncle might run into, and then I almost halved his responsibilities with the garage door. After the cat didn't come back by 2am, I gave up and went to bed. I got up at 9 and have been walking around the house looking for him for about 45 minutes. He's brown with black streaks, so he basically blends into all of the pine straw that's trendy in my neighborhood. I called my uncle and told him what I'd done, and told him to be sure to look out for the cat in case I don't see him by the time I have to leave tomorrow.
I'm not sure what to do now. I don't think I can see him from the road. I'm not sure if I'm overreacting, since he did manage to run across at least one of my neighbor's yards, he might just be really pissed or scared of the garage and that's why he hasn't returned. I opened the garage door all the way while I typed this just in case he wasn't feeling confident about the gap through the night.
Anybody have any ideas about what the hell I can do to find this cat?
Edit: I just saw him walk through the backyard! Woot! So happy he's alive.
Jerri_A_Blank: I'm so sorry about your cat. I would place food outside the garage door to lure him back, as the cat is probably rather frightened and would avoid going underneath again. I agree that it's a good sign he was able to runaway. Please update the post when you find him.
neojoker: This was a good idea. I did it right after you said it, and I just saw my other cat finish the bowl I'd put out, so I've refilled that bowl and am still waiting.
Edit: I just edited the post to show that he's returned, and seems ok.
Jerri_A_Blank: That's awesome! Thanks for updating.
| 4 | 23.5 | |
1396195331 | 1396242859 | t3_21r3xw | t5_2to41 | 17 | knockingoutyashorty: TIFU by having the cops show up at my place for punching a drunk girl who tried to kill me.
Throwaway account for obvious reasons. Basically as the title states, i had a drunken bi-polar girl at my place and an argument got a little out of hand. Things escalated when she slammed the door on my hand and grabbed a knife when i tried to kick her out. Needless to say, in my self defense i punched her in the face and now she has a black eye. She ended up staying the night but to my surprise cops showed up at my place a day later looking for me. (thank god i wasnt home) Now im at a friends house, wondering what my next move should be to make my case better. Shes making up all kinds of lies that didnt happen and i need a lawyer and some advice.I have nothing to hide and I just plan on telling them what honestly happened but I feel like I'll be legally abused if I go without legal advice or support
Tl;dr - I punched a drunk girl in the face for pulling a knife on me and now the cops are looking for me, wtf should i do?
Ilovethechubs: Get a lawyer before talking to the cops.
KristyConfused: I must heartily endorse this idea. The cops are not your friends. Even if you take the advice of /u/lostdeceiver and don't hide from the cops, don't talk to them without a lawyer, and don't talk to them without discussing it with a lawyer first. Even if you are arrested, don't talk to the cops without a lawyer. You have the right not to incriminate yourself.
Of course, this only applies if you live in the USA. Other nations' laws will vary. Also, disclaimer, I'm not a lawyer and this should not be construed as legal advice.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1396200316 | 1396272517 | t3_21rb7n | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU by not looking where I was driving
Actually happened last night but I hated myself too much to post.
Last night, after smoking some weed with my friend, we go back to her house. It was raining and really foggy, so I was having issues seeing. I've never met her mom before, and I have a crush on her brother. I'm following her in my car to her house and we pull into her drive way. I park next to her, only to realize there was no pavement where I parked. Of course it was raining really hard, and when I try to back up off the lawn I had just accidentally drove on, I get stuck in the mud. I look up and her mom is giving me the DEATH STARE through the window. I'm mortified. My friend pushes my car out and I apologize profusely for ruining their lawn, which now has 2 deep tire mud marks.
I go in the house and apologize for the lawn and her mom just looks at me and doesn't say anything. The first impression her mom gets is I'm some dumbass that ruined her lawn. I'm sure her mom hates me now and I hate myself.
tl;dr: drove in the rain and fog while kinda high and accidentally parked on my new friends lawn and ruined it. her mom hates me now. i'm sure her brother does now too.
Another100Trillion: So go back over today and fix her lawn ... buy some dirt fill it in ... lay down some new lawn. That'll impress her.
kgreatie: I have absolutely no idea how to fix the lawn, but I could try. I fucked up.
Silverlight42: go buy some [sod](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sod)
lay it down.... it'll be fixed eventually. faster than laying more soil and seed.
kgreatie: As soon as it stops pouring rain I'll go out and buy some stuff and fix it. It's been pouring for 3 days... Yuck
Silverlight42: Could be worse... it's snowing/freezing rain/ice pelleting/slushing all over the place today/tonight... 20cm of whatever random precip of the hour.
kgreatie: Yep same here. Sleeting and gross this morning and then it changes to rain later. It sucks
| 7 | 3 | |
1396210069 | 1396472210 | t3_21rq52 | t5_2to41 | 229 | absolut_chaos: TIFU by pooping on by boyfriends dick during anal
My guy and I were playing around and he decided to go for the ass. I had already shit today and didn't feel the need to go again so I was all for it since it had been a while. Well, it was a bit more uncomfortable this time and we tried more lube. No dice, still hurt. I told him as much and he pulled out. When he did I heard, 'Oh.' and just knew. He was totally cool about it but yeah, I shit on my boyfriend today.
sunsetrules: It happens.
mcparker73: Shit happens.
mrP0P0: Shit shappens.
ferixchen: Shit really does happen sometimes. But fuck it.
absolut_chaos: Butt Fuck it.
Monso: Well, shit.
SemperFiRocko: Well, Butt Fuck.
mash3735: Poooooooop.
| 9 | 25.444444 | |
1396217547 | 1396293185 | t3_21s1xp | t5_2to41 | 34 | gluegunthrowaway: TIFU by forgetting about a glue gun.
I'm a teenager that volunteers at a small theater that does kid's programs. One of the kids is a nightmare- a 9 year old girl who threw her prop offstage during a scene instead of handing it, knocking over several things and almost hitting another girl in the head. Anyways, she demanded (in a normal speaking voice, in the middle of a show, backstage) that I fix her prop, right away. I headed to the prop room and took out a hot glue gun and set it up. A second later, one of the actor dragged me out and onstage to thank me for my volunteer work. I promptly forgot about the glue gun and went about tidying up (last show), only for the fire alarm to go off. At this point, only the cast and crew remained. I was as confused as anyone else, until one of the adults said he found a smoking glue gun. The fire department came and everything. They didn't ask who did it, just what, so I didn't say anything. God, I feel so stupid. I did something that could've been genuinely harmful.
Fryhle: now they know its you know
KristyConfused: Unlikely. He used a throwaway and there's little chance that they'll find this thread.
SpirallingOut: Manager of the small theater here, he's totally fired.
ScramblePoo: Am the 9 year old girl, can confirm.
MerlinTheFail: Glue gun here, ouch.
| 6 | 5.666667 | |
1396213782 | 1396254396 | t3_21rvzd | t5_2to41 | 26 | TeenageButts: TIFU by thinking college is like high school.
So I started my first quarter at my local community college this winter, and signed up to take some classes including the basic color and design. Well, I didn't enjoy this class too much. It was so basic and boring and all we did was color scales and color wheels. I understand I need this class, but what made it worse was the teacher. So after two weeks I just stopped going. I thought "Oh I will take it next quarter no big deal, I will just fail it." Fast forward to now, where I get a letter from my school's financial aid office, saying my financial aid has been suspended. Now this is bad, because I was paying my tuition through only financial aid, it covered all the expenses and my goal was to not have to get a loan or anything like that. I really didn't understand why this happened, but I learned apparently there is failing the coarse, and incomplete a course. Incomplete = no more financial aid, and I am an idiot and incompleted it. I have no clue what I am going to do for next quarter. It starts next week and I am all enrolled I have no clue what I am going to do. Its either get a student loan or drop all together. I wish I wasn't so care-less and actually read up on all the financial aid stuff, not just how to get it.
TIFU - By not showing up to one of my classes for a few weeks which resulted in me loosing all of my financial aid.
pamplemus: for what it's worth, failing a course can have a similar effect on your financial aid and GPA (which you shouldn't have such a cavalier attitude about, btw - failing a class is kind of a big deal). if you don't want to take a class after signing up for it, drop it or withdraw. unless you want an F.
i would suggest speaking with the financial aid department. explain your reasoning and be apologetic. sometimes, depending on the school, they'll give you a waiver for the first time this kind of thing happens. don't do it again!!
TeenageButts: true. i really should have strived for the best grade in that class or atleast pass.
I guess I left out the part where when I realized I should drop, I had a doctor's appointment on the last day you could drop. I scheduled the appointment super early so I could do it, but I found out I needed surgery and had to go to 4 other appointments that day, which pretty much screwed me for dropping.
In the letter it said I could appeal but I feel like my case isn't strong enough, but I will definitely try!
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1396192922 | 1396230369 | t3_21r0tz | t5_2to41 | 21 | strawberry36: TIFU by coming across as a creep.
First of all, I'm female. A couple friends (one guy, one fellow female) and I were together, watching movies. We were joking around, making playful threats that friends do. My guy friend playfully threatened me… and then I made a comment about not pepper spraying him because I didn't want to ruin his pretty eyes. (I'm still shuddering over this). My other friend said, "that…was creepy."
There wasn't really what I'd call an awkward silence, but there was a silence for a couple seconds before we resumed choosing a movie. All seemed well as the movie watching progressed…and all seemed to have been forgiven when I left. But I still can't help but feel a shudder of shame at myself when I think about it.
scrndude: Whenever I say something and realize afterwards how creepy it sounded, I always laugh really loud and go "Holy shit, that sounded so creepy!" Then everyone else laughs and goes "Haha yeah, I was thinking the same thing!" and forgets about it.
Works 90% of the time. Some things are so creepy you just need to pull the rip chord and go "Hahaha holy shit look at the time, I've got that thing, see you guys" because every moment you stay makes what you said creepier.
One time I had the opposite of a TIFU, where one night I had just met two girls at coffee place and was showing them where to buy a pack of smokes. They didn't know the area, and the coffee place had jacked up prices for smokes and there was a Somali smoke shop just around the corner that better prices. Anyway, the street that the Somali place was on didn't have very good lighting at night, and I was trying to explain to them that it might look a bit sketch while trying to reassure them.
So I was about to say "The street doesn't have very good lighting, but don't worry, cause I won't rape you" because I thought that would be reassuring and funny. Right after I said don't worry, my brain kicked into gear and screamed "OH FUCK YOU'RE ABOUT TO SAY THE CREEPIEST THING YOU'VE EVER SAID. DON'T SAY IT. EJECT. EJECT. EJECT."
So instead I ended up saying "The street doesn't have very good lighting, but don't worry, cause I know kung fu" which was hilarious to me because it not only rhymed with what I was about to say, but what reassuring without a hint of creepy to it. Then one of them asks "Really?!" and I go "No HAHAHA".
I tried to set up a date with one of the girls, but she ended up bailing on me twice at the last minute. But to me, that's just a post-script to my story about how I didn't come off as a rapist.
strawberry36: I did laugh it off afterward… hopefully that showed my friends I was only joking.
glottal__stop: Don't worry about a thing. Everyone says weird things sometimes. It's how you handle the situation that matters. No one will even remember you said anything in a few days.
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1396232027 | 1396566377 | t3_21sn7d | t5_2to41 | 1,953 | throughaway_: Today I fucked up by waking up early
I'm not telling anyone else, so I'd like to share it with you here. This was probably the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me.
I'm a 16yo girl. Not the typical demo for this site, but IDGAF. I live with my four brothers, two older and two younger. My house is basically a 4bd 1bath vat of testosterone. Especially because my parents apparently think we're running a home for comically oversized teenage boys. If it's a weekend, there's probably at least one if not two or three of my brothers' friends around. Bro2's best friend spends almost every weekend at our house.
And yeah, did you catch the bit about us having one fucking bathroom? Thank you, mom and dad, for buying a house older than the concept of indoor plumbing.
Coincidentally, our bathroom is where my story of shame takes place.
It's the ass crack of dawn on a Saturday morning, and everyone in my family is sleeping soundly in their beds. Sometimes I like to shave my legs and shit, so I woke up super early so that I could take a shower without anyone yelling about how my time was up. So it's 6am and I'm ambling down the hall in my towel with my eyes still half-closed.
I open the door in my 6am haze. And surprise, someone is just getting out of the shower. A male someone. A male someone who's not related to me.
I get a full-frontal view of Bro2's best friend, who's less than a year older than me. It takes about a half-second for this to sink in, but when it does, I throw my hands over my eyes.
Only one problem with this. I'm only wearing a towel. Or rather, I was before it fell on the floor.
At least we were finally even.
So I scramble to pick up the towel and rewrap it and he grabs a corner of the shower curtain to cover himself. But he must have pulled on it really hard, because the whole curtain came down (with the pole). It makes this really loud banging noise as it comes off the wall. And I’m like fuck this so I just bolted out of the bathroom with my towel finally on. I even locked my bedroom door, as if he and his penis are coming to come chasing after me.
I hear my mom knock on the bathroom door (right next to my room) to ask if he’s alright. He says it was just the curtain and she leaves. Meanwhile I’m hyperventilating and god knows what he was thinking about. He definitely had it worse that I did, with the whole curtain pole thing.
A few hours later, I go downstairs and he's in the kitchen and we make eye contact and he looked like he wished he had swallowed the liter of bleach we keep under the sink.
Hope you enjoyed that little story. Maybe I’ll enjoy it someday.
_______
[Update](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2hu44r/tifu_by_waking_up_early_update_you_guys_were_right/) here.
zman0900: http://i.imgur.com/jl356Zo.jpg
gerrettheferrett: Thanks for being an uncalled-for creep. Thanks for probably making OP feel worse than she already does.
This thread needed that, asshat.
EDIT: Before you hit that downvote button, think to yourself.
The rules of this subreddit prohibit creepy comments.
The comment that I replied to is creepy.
The description of this subreddit says "Let us make each other feel better."
Is the comment that I replied to doing that?
Seriously, Reddit. This is why we can't have nice things.
slormer: http://www.inc.com/uploaded_files/image/goods-46-Knight-pop_5365.jpg
gerrettheferrett: Being a decent human being =/= white knighting.
Typical Reddit.
HandOfBl00d: Oh no, he made a masturbation joke, WHAT A WORTHLESS PIECE OF TRASH
lalaloui22: Yeah I love it when people make sexual jokes about sixteen year old girls HAHAHAHA. God I wish the white knights would just go back to tumblr and let us be amiright??
Satafly: Because sixteen year old girls are completely sexless?
lalaloui22: No. We're just not here for the sole purpose of your sexualisation.
Satafly: How the fuck does making a sexual joke imply that I think the only reason for your existence is for my sexualisation?
Men are allowed to be sexual, your line of thinking is incredibly damaging to young men who are first starting to feel attracted to women. I understand that a lot of men (particularly on this site) overdo it but you are pushing back way to hard.
lalaloui22: Yeah because making a sexual joke about a sixteen year old girl isn't fucking creepy. I don't care about damaging young men, because if they are going to be damaged by someone saying 'hey, maybe that unsolicited sexual joke isn't ok', then maybe they need to reassess their life.
Satafly: You aren't damaging them by telling them not to make sexual jokes, you're damaging them by insinuating that any sexuality from them is wrong which you did when you said that making a sexual joke about a 16 year old girl (who, let's be honest, is probably doing the exact same thing about boys) is equivalent to reducing women to sexual objects and nothing more.
I went for a long time without any interaction with girls because I was taught this and anytime I approached a girl I felt like I was harassing her simply by talking to her.
Look it's not that I don't understand your position, like I said many men take sexual jokes too far on this website and in real life. But you went too far in the opposite direction by suggesting a mere joke is saying that men are reducing women to nothing more than sexual objects.
lalaloui22: Sexuality that is forced on someone when it is completely unsolicited is wrong. Sorry.
Satafly: Oh...I think you might be a troll because if everyone lived by your rules the human race would cease to exist.
If people never went up to each other and made the first move no one would be with anyone.
EDIT: Oh for fucks sake I checked your post history. No wonder these arguments are so stupid, you're a fucking 15 year old girl who's probably pissed that no one wants to fuck them or because she doesn't understand her own sexuality yet. Grow up sweetheart, sexuality is a wonderful thing most of the time and there is absolutely nothing wrong with you being attracted to other women.
I will warn you though, if you think men are sexually aggressive you are in for a shock when you meet proper lesbians.
lalaloui22: Hahahahaha whatever. You know you don't have a leg to stand on when you get personal. Good luck with life.
Satafly: Ordinarily you'd be right, but in this case it's particularly relevant to the issue.
Also...seriously how exactly is unsolicited sexuality wrong? It kinda happens all the time and much of the time ends with consensual sex.
lalaloui22: Maybe in real life. But making a meme about a 16 year old girl on the internet is totally not ok.
Also attacking me because of my post history is completely irrelevant. Wow.
Satafly: I got sick of you ignoring any part of my arguments you couldn't attack.
I got sick of your 'us vs them' mentality that is the core of almost all the problems men and women face and it's what holds us back from an equal and respectful society, not random sexual jokes.
Sorry for attacking you, but I also was a little pissed that I'd devoted as much time and effort that I did arguing with a 15 year old girl who probably had absolutely no intention of even meeting me halfway and only wanted to attack men for being sexual in anyway.
I get that being a girl sucks but it isn't exactly all daisies and roses for us either, at least the good ones.
| 18 | 108.5 | |
1396234922 | 1396578014 | t3_21srhm | t5_2to41 | 54 | FantasyFuck: TIFU by letting my mom use my computer...
She tabbed to my GoneWildCurvy post (I watch my upvotes and comments, okay? Also, maybe i just like the way i look naked!) and now thinks I'm a lesbian. Thank sweet baby Jesus she didn't notice it was me. I tried to explain the fact that girls look at girls to find imperfections, and drive them selves insane with envy, but she just thinks I'm a porn freak now. Cool.
proteus616: I think the fuck up started when someone else was using your computer :)
FantasyFuck: Right? she never does... But she wanted to stalk my ex on FB.
proteus616: What, that's weird lol
FantasyFuck: Very.... I think shes bitter about him leaving me for a fat bi-polar girl. :) Good thing i'm not! ;)
proteus616: Wow, haha I guess so, I leave my PC under a 2k encryption so my work *Cough* porn *Cough* is safe
FantasyFuck: hahahaha! The other day my gmail/chome synced with my moms computer because i had to print something off from my email, all the Tumblr(;Gif-porn) sites i have bookmarked were all opened up by my brother.... I told him not to click on adds on Runescape.
proteus616: haha nice
hhhehehebot: http://i.imgur.com/WZ2czgF.png
proteus616: haha, didn't know that bot exists, nice
| 10 | 5.4 | |
1396236562 | 1396438712 | t3_21strd | t5_2to41 | 455 | didt: TIFU by choosing the worst possible name for my WiFi
This happened to me last night. Sitting here at work and I have to tell someone or I am going to bust a nut. Throwaway account because my friends are on Reddit and they will never ever let me live it down.
The cute checkout girl at the local supermarket has been flirting with me for the last few weeks. I wasn't sure I thought maybe she is just being pleasant while doing her job, so I kept up with the banter but didn't really do anything about it.
Last night I had some Liquor chocolates along with my other groceries and she says something along the lines "Omg these chocolates look amazing. I really want to try them" and gave me the look. So I said "why don't you come over and we can try them out together". She agreed straight away. Her shift was finishing in 35 minutes. I gave her the address to my apartment which is less than 5 minute walk from the store.
She shows up and yada yada we end up making out on the couch. She was really into it and so far so good. Suddenly she pulls away and says "Crap I better tell Mum I won't be home for dinner" (Side note - She was legal 19 almost 20, studying at Uni and living with her parents to save money).
So while she is getting her phone, I went to get a glass of water in the kitchen. Then I hear her burst out laughing.
She says "There is wifi network here called 'It Hurts When IP' " . I froze like a deer in headlights. That was my bloody wifi network. I had set it up as joke few months ago and then promptly forgot about it after all my devices were connected.
I come back into the lounge and she is still chuckling.
She asks "What's your wifi" I said "Actually that's my wifi"
Her face went from confused to embarrassed to scared in about two seconds.
She said "Do you have a infection?" I replied "no of course not, it was just a joke wifi name I saw somewhere online".
Maybe it was the tone of my voice in any case she didn't look convinced at all. Not looking good for Mr Johnston tonight. I gave her the wifi password and soon I hear the Whatsapp message sounds going. After a couple of minutes tapping away on her phone, she goes "Sorry I have to go, Mum really needs me at home".
With a crushed heart and blue balls I bid her goodnight and opened the good scotch.
KristyConfused: It's obvious she didn't "get" the joke on a techie level.
aprofondir: apt-get joke
KristyConfused: error: missing dependency "humor"
nazigassings: sudo apt-get install lib-jokes
KristyConfused: -bash: apt-get: command not found
PixelOrange: omfg bane of my existence right here. god damn puppy.
switched to crunchbash last night. no more apt-get problems, too busy trying to troubleshoot the lack of display!
whyyyyy
| 7 | 65 | |
1396195973 | 1396299024 | t3_21r4sy | t5_2to41 | 26 | LadyGrizabella: TIFU by puking on a hostess's feet
This actually happened almost 18 yrs ago, but I was reminded of it today when my hubby and I were discussing where to take our son for his birthday on Tuesday.
When hubby and I were dating, our first Christmas season together we barely saw each other due to having to do a shitload of classwork (we were both in college) plus our respective part time jobs. Shortly after Christmas, I came down with the flu and he came down with a wicked cold so we didn't see each other AT ALL for like 2 straight weeks. When we finally were able to go out on a date, we were both still feeling kind of icky but we REALLY wanted to go out.
He took me to the Olive Garden and I ordered my food..an individual pizza. I made it through the salad ok but two bites into the pizza, I began to feel like I was going to be sick so I jumped up and walked as fast as I dared to towards the restroom, which was at the front of the resteraunt just past the hostess stand in the lobby. At the edge of the dining area, which was carpeted, I tripped and fell onto the hostess standing at her station (which was tiled) and puked all over her feet. I turned bright red, muttered and apology and crawled the rest of the way on my hands and knees to the bathroom, where I finished throwing up.
As soon as I got back to our table, I told my boyfriend to just get some to-go boxes and the check as we needed to get out of there as soon as possible.
When we left, I couldn't look the poor hostess in the eye. I kept my head down and just marched out the door. I didn't even tell my boyfriend what happened until after we were in the car and on the way to the movies.
It's been 18 yrs..and I still haven't been back in that particular Olive Garden.
halfbreedmofo: Did you tip her?
LadyGrizabella: I honestly don't remember.
CaptainBenza: Sounds like polite code for no
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1396261819 | 1396280440 | t3_21th2v | t5_2to41 | 106 | JalapenoJaques: TIFU by engaging in conversation with a stranger at the supermarket.
So this story is in two sections , I'll go into the second part a bit later and then bring it back to the first.
I was at the supermarket buying three big 12kg bags of dog food.
When I was in the line to pay when an elderly white lady behind me jokingly said to me "You know, if you shoot him, you could go to Hawaii next year". I was a bit taken aback, because I live in Australia, and I didn't quite know which "him" she was referring to.
In case I misheard, I asked her if she could repeat what she said, and I had heard correctly. I asked, "shoot who?", and she replied with "your dog!".
So essentially she was saying if I shot my dog I could save money on food and treat myself to a Hawaiian vacation. I thought it was quite funny and laughed with her, and then we got into a conversation about dogs.
Now some back story before I proceed (the 2nd section).
The night before, I was joking about inserting a frame of the Goatse pic into a video presentation a friend and I were doing, a reference to the penis frames of Fight Club.
My mate didn't know what the goatse pic was, so I downloaded it and sent it to him.
For those who also don't know what it is, it's a picture of a guy spreading his ass cheeks wide with half his anus pushing out, bit of a prolapse situation.
So back to the supermarket, she asks me what breed my dogs are, and I told her one was a Rottweiler and the other was an Akita.
She told me she had never heard of the Akita breed, and so I said I'd show her a picture.
She's staring dead at my 5.9inch mobile screen, and I open the gallery, and up pops the goatse anal prolapse pic. She was mortified.
I pretended it didn't happen and proceeded to show her a photo of my dog.
Tl;dr: showed an old lady in a supermarket a picture of a guy spreading his ass cheeks open to expose his prolapsed anus.
KristyConfused: Serves her right for suggesting you shoot your dog.
[deleted]: It was a fucking joke.
| 3 | 35.333333 | |
1396257646 | 1396290996 | t3_21te4n | t5_2to41 | 20 | dr__kitty: Tifu by feeding my dog a midnight snack
Be me, sitting at my desk studying when my dog comes up and lays her adorable head in my lap begging for a little snack. So I go to the fridge, grab her food, open it with a can opener, and the lid is a little stuck. I wiggle the lid back and forth and it springs loose in my hand. Grab a plate, look down, and my entire arm, the counter, and the cab of food are covered in blood. I've sliced the tip of my thumb clean open. Deep.
Grab a wad a paper towels and apply pressure, head over to the ER, and get checked in.
Now, let me tell you, those nerve endings in your fingertips? They work real well - especially when burning novocaine is injected into the laceration you just gave yourself.
Currently, there are 5 sutures in the tip of my left thumb. At least I'm right handed!
TL;DR Don't feed your dog midnight snacks no matter how adorable they are!
blue_acorns: Could this not have been prevented by turning on the light?
dr__kitty: Most likely... :/
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1396263632 | 1396278966 | t3_21tift | t5_2to41 | 41 | skriker11: TIFU Royally with this chick..Looks like I'm not getting laid…or GF in college at all.
…Well yeah, today I fucked up, So to vent I am getting drunk off a(Yes a light weight) 6 week old beer from my roommates fridge and i'll tell you now this is rough stuff... A few weeks ago I had met a beautiful chick, I met her out through a friend at city, went back to her place, we talked about how she reckons all guys are evil as she had broken up with her bf a few months ago, I didn't do anything to her, except well we sought of snuggled etc, anyway I told my mates that we f**ked, but lied really, saying it because I wanted to impress them not be such a wuss in front of them….. Didn't want to get paid out by my mates saying that I didn't do anything with her and lose all respect however it went quite the opposite way.
We had a party on the saturday night, apparently when she arrived people were like ah "its skrikers girl" and they had "sex!" it kept going on for a while until She was confused as to nothing had happened last night, apparently she was distraught and started crying, whats worse was that we were meant to be hanging out on the sunday and she told me it wasn't a good idea, as I told my mates I had slept with her when I didn't.
I tried making a cover up as well, I felt so bad I had to come out clean and apologise to her, I can't stand hiding anymore its bad for me and my well being, I really wanted to cover it up because if I told the truth I knew she probably wouldn't want to talk to me, I really liked this chick to, but my other friend was wise saying it was probably a good idea to be honest and face the music as it is easier than bullshitting… Let me tell you it feels so much better with a burden off your chest, she hasn't responded to the text yet, I am guessing she does''t want to speak to a guy like me now knowing that I have fucked things up being a complete asshole to her rep, I don't call myself an asshole, people don't call me an asshole, but man, I feel like one, terrible asshole just trying to impress my friends and telling lies just to make me feel "Macho". But I am glad I had apologised to her and told her the truth, I felt terrible keeping the lie inside of me.
Now I guess she can do the same to me, she'll probably tell her friends how I am an asshole making up lies etc, its a small campus but surely these rumours will go around quickly..Making my rep with chicks low and asshole appealing, it doesn't really matter right? I can't get any chicks in the first place because I am to much of a nice guy for chicks to even really care…right? If there was a lesson learnt from this all I can say is don't lie about what you do to chicks, it will F you up in the long run..I certainly am going to live with these consequences in the future. I probably have fucked up with my friends to by lying to them… I don't really want to see them this week at all until all of this is soughted…
I can truly say, TIFU.
slethikk: lol at "I'm too nice to get chicks"
If you're objectifying them and lying to your friends about sex for validation then you're not a "nice" guy.
Pyramat: Basically this. Being "too nice to get chicks" isn't really a thing. Contrary to popular belief, girls don't only go for the assholes. I'm a nice guy that's never gotten anywhere with girls, but that's not because I'm a nice guy, it's because I'm a socially awkward fuck. There's another reason, OP.
| 3 | 13.666667 | |
1396259648 | 1396274958 | t3_21tfi5 | t5_2to41 | 11 | timmiebx: TIFU by using the microwave oven.
I had to wake up early at my parents house today. This because I was going back to my place in the city of my university. There was one last crusty bread roll left and I had to have it! It was a bit old so I decided to put it in the microwave oven to make it nice, warm and crusty again.
I put the roll in and turned it on, on what I thought was the oven setting, for 10 minutes. After that I went into another room to print something. When I opened the door to go back, the whole house was filled with thick grey smoke. It turned out I accidentally put it on the microwave setting.
I went into the kitchen to open a window and turn on the exhaust hood. The smoke went straight to my lungs and I started coughing and tearing because of it. After that I went to get my mom to help.
Together we opened all the windows and doors in the house while my father and 3 siblings were still asleep. The smoke also got to her lungs pretty quick.
After 10 minutes the smoke finally began to disappear. My lungs were still hurting and tears were all over my face. But the worst part was I didn't have time to take a shower, I had to catch a train. I smelled like I just escaped from a burning building. As I was sitting in the train, everyone was avoiding me. And on top of that my lungs still hurt.
I am never going to use that thing anymore. If we didn't get rid of the smoke so soon I could have killed my whole family.
**TL;DR: Almost killed my family by using the microwave oven.**
Silverlight42: yeaaah.. pretty sure you aren't gonna kill your family that way, and you probably over-reacted and/or are a neurotic person.
Also, never microwave peanut butter, cause that shit's 10x worse.
timmiebx: haha maybe, but i am still coughing from it and it was 10 hours ago xD.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1396246786 | 1396298758 | t3_21t5oj | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: By trying to ski down a black slope on my first day of my skiing holiday.
So i arrived in bansko, Bulgaria 2 days ago and started my first day of skiing yesterday. My friend has been here before so being the kind of person i am i let him lead. Ive only been skiing in snow once before in my life but have done a few black slopes on lessons so feel im a good skier.
So we've been skiing for a couple of hours, had a few beers at the top of the slope and start to descend back down to the gondola. As we go down the slopes we find ourselves in unfamiliar territory and have to get a ski lift back up the mountain, we jump on and see where it takes us. When we arrive we get to a point where we can either go down a red slope that takes us away from the gondola towards somewhere we dont know or go down this black slope in which we can see the gondola at the bottom.
Being the professional skier i think i am i opt for this black slope. We start to ski down and i soon realise I'm in way over my head, the slope is just pure ice, the skis are slipping and im loosing control, fast. I fall to my arse and manage to stop myself, im using my ski pole as a leaning pole to get my composure and balance back, i jump back up and attempt to go again.
At this point i have an incredible idea, how about i just let myself skid down the slope, instead of skiing properly i can just stand in the same position and slowly descend. As im doing this i notice my friend (who was behind me) fly past me on his arse(skis in front of him in the parallel position,) i burst out laughing which once again makes me loose my footing. However this time was much worse, the snow had built up between and in front of my ski's. Straight away i realised i was in trouble as i started sliding down this mountain side. Im stuck in the same position as my friend and im building up speed, fast. I notice a gap in the safety netting ahead of me which leads straight towards some tree's. Instinct kicks in as i try to stop myself, i think that if i roll to the side i should be able to move into the path of the netting. As i role my skis get flipped up and snap from their bindings, moving off in different directions. Im now stuck on my stomach, no view of where im heading with my life flashing before my eyes. Im easily travelling at 15-25mph and im frantically scrapping and grabbing to stop myself. I next feel a slight weightlessness as my body gets hurtled into the air, smashing into the safety netting. I touch myself down to make sure I'm alive, i look up to get my bearings and realise that another 5 foot and i would of shot straight through the gap. I sit back and have a little laugh to myself thinking how lucky i am, thats when the pain sets in. My right leg just starts sending shocks up my body, im struggling to move but know i have to.
I pull myself together and climb back to my skis, i push through the pain and manage to get myself back to the gondola. There i meet my friend and he explains how he hit a flat point in the middle of the slope that stopped him (figures). We make our way back to the bottom, body intact (or so i thought) with just our confidence knocked.
Ive now just woke up, on the second day of my holiday, with the worst pain shooting through my leg, there is no hospital in the town with only a small pharmacy. So my plans for a skiing holiday are ruined and im stuck in a foreign country unable to get myself to a hospital.
Joebroni1414: Title should of read "TIFU by not learning about paragraphs in school"
CaptainBenza: Yeah, that's the issue, being grammatically Jewish on an Internet forum. Not the whole skiing thing.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1396278659 | 1396302053 | t3_21tzk3 | t5_2to41 | 36 | _Vote_: TIFU by browsing /r/all in incognito
I usually browse reddit in incognito so I can click NSFW links without worrying about search history. Today it would come back to bite me.
I was scrolled down about halfway through /r/all just lazily paying attention when my mother walks in, talking with someone on the phone that wanted to talk to me. She stands there talking *and looking at my screen.* Too late did I realize my mistake when I glanced through the submissions while waiting for the phone.
There it was. [#26 of all with a nice round score of 1000 karma](http://www.reddit.com/r/gonewildcurvy/comments/21takm/lets_be_real_here_im_not_new_or_nervous_im_not/). A /r/gonewildcurvy post. And I wasn't lucky that it was just a bikini shot or something - it was straight up a pair of tits right there in the middle of my screen *where my mom was looking*.
She didn't say anything. But she saw. She definitely saw.
Shit.
ChiefBigGay: So your mother didn't scold you for obviously looking at boobs? Mark it up as a success son.
DustyCikbut: Unless she's secretly planning punishment. You can never tell with mothers >.>
ChiefBigGay: So your mother is a spiteful bitch?
DustyCikbut: Mine? No. She's awesome. She just doesn't let people in on her plans until they go down.
ChiefBigGay: http://gifrific.gifrific.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/How-Rude-Stephanie-Full-House.gif
| 6 | 6 | |
1396285259 | 1396287220 | t3_21uajl | t5_2to41 | 4 | 15madhatter: TIFU by waiting until the last day to sign up for health insurance.
And now the site's too crowded to do so... Thanks Obama...
DragonWarrior46: Have you tried looking to see if there is an option to print the application and either fax or e-mail it in?
That is an option in some locations and avoids the problems with websites being slow or down.
15madhatter: I finished the application besides one little thing, but have yet to choose coverage. I doubt faxing the application would get me any farther. I can't even log in because the site is too bogged down. They have me on a waiting page but I've been at this since 7am. I'm about to be at my breaking point. I fucked up.
DragonWarrior46: That's really frustrating. Obviously you are not the only one who chose to wait until the last minute.
Keep at it and try to stay calm. Blowing up is not going to fix it. Although, I totally understand being tempted to throw things and act out due to internet frustration.
| 4 | 1 | |
1396284884 | 1396466216 | t3_21u9wg | t5_2to41 | 1,591 | DustyCikbut: TIFU by pretending I was drinking a beer on my way home.
In my area (Houston, TX) there is a talk radio host (Michael Berry) that advocates that "A grown ass man or a lesbian woman" should be able to pop a top on the drive home on Friday. He even has paid the open container ticket of several of his listeners. So just for fun, I got an empty Budweiser bottle from the recycle and filled it with Monster. When he rolled his pop a top segment, I began holding it up and cheering at every car that came by. It was really funny to see some of the people's reactions (I'm underage so that made it worse) I was having fun being a dumb ass until I cheered a passing cop on accident. I froze in mid cheer with my fake beer still held aloft like a banner and literally my whole present became one giant
"Ohhhhhhhhhh Shiiiitttt."
Then, the expected quick U-turn and lights go off behind me.
I get out my ID and prepare my story, the cop walks up and I open my mouth to give him the nonchalant, suave story i had been cooking up and this is what I said "It's not really beer, here, try some"
)__(
He stared at me for a second and I launched into a explanation about how I was doing it for a prank and I had never gotten a ticket before and please please please don't call my parents (the usual shit)
He finally took the bottle and told me to never do something that stupid again.
He drove off and I literally sat in shock for 10 minutes before driving off.
TD;LR: (I'm glad everyone got a good laugh out of my TL;DR mess up :P) I filled a beer bottle with monster and cheered people on my drive home. Cheered a cop, got pulled over, Let off.
P.S. I know this was stupid, i'm never doing something like that again, I don't need the legal aspects and laws explained to me. just sharing a story.
organicjavelin: I told a cop I was on my way to get some donuts. Commence search, accusation of being drunk ("i can smell it on your breath and you are slurring your speech") and the search of my unfortunate friend who had weed on him... Then the subsequent trashing of my car and letting me go.
I really was on my way to get donuts, I was being honest :/
**edit** I am aware of protocol and my rights when speaking with police. The main officer refused to answer questions and illegally searched us. I bet I could have gone to court, but we were in a small town in northern Wisconsin... They tend to fuck you no matter what. It is just a fact of life there. I did not fuck up.
DustyCikbut: You should have offered to buy him some donuts :P
Also, I'd have searched my friend for weed before i let him in my car. did he get taken down?
organicjavelin: Yup, buddy got taken away. He was trustworthy, didn't try to ditch his stuff in the car or anything, so I was legally untouchable. At least the cops remembered that part of my rights.
noodles123: It's within your rights to refuse them searching your car...
organicjavelin: Apparently not after making a drug-related arrest. Or at least that is what he said.
It is also within my rights to know why I am being commanded to leave my vehicle. And to not be accused of being intoxicated when I wasn't. And to only have such a search executed with reasonable cause.
jd1323: No drugs were found on you. He had no right to search YOUR property without permission. Also he had no right to search your friend to begin with since he was just a passenger.
BGYeti: Reasonable doubt man, he smells "something" and claims to smell weed or alcohol he can tear through your shit legally.
[deleted]: Reasonable doubt is a standard of guilt for a jury. You're (maybe) thinking of reasonable suspicion. Which still doesn't mean he can "tear through your shit".
Now, why are you dispensing legal advice with such certainty?
tikael: Even reasonable suspicion doesn't allow them to search you for drugs. They can search you for weapons, but not drugs.
BGYeti: Probable cause gives them the right even in the case of drugs because it is still a crime to possess and smoke weed in certain states
tikael: No, they can detain you but to search you they need to have a warrant or your permission. The only exception is if they suspect you are a danger to the officer, then they can search you for weapons.
BGYeti: Might want to go read up on it then because it specifically states it gives the officer right to search without a warrent if they believe there is a crime being committed
| 13 | 122.384615 | |
1396282867 | 1396304522 | t3_21u6dt | t5_2to41 | 390 | soeastside: TIFU on Spring Break by shitting and puking everywhere, simultaneously.
Let me lay it all out on the table first, so we can get it over with. This is a story about shitting and puking. At the same time.
Now, if you are sitting on the toilet bowl shitting and holding a garbage can to puke in, shitting and puking can actually be a rather uneventful, mess-free experience.
This is not what happened. I am not a smart man.
It was our first night in Cancun for Spring Break, 4 years ago during my Senior year of college. I'm down in Mexico with a bunch of buddies and we go out and get shitfaced. Non-stop shots, beer, cocktails - you name it. We all get blackout drunk. At the end of the night I can’t find my friend that I’m supposed to be sharing a room with, but I do see another kid in my group that also doesn’t know where anyone else is, so we head back to my hotel since it’s nicer and closer. We’re asleep around 3AM or so.
4:30AM comes around and I spring awake, stomach rumbling. Holy fuck, I’m goona puke. I stagger out of bed, feet getting caught up in the sheets and almost face planting on the way, but I manage to make it to the bathroom just in time to dry heave once or twice before I unleash a godless torrent of vomit into the toilet bowl.
I’m on my hands and knees leaning over the bowl, wondering where I went wrong in life and what I did to deserve this feeling, when the first wave of vomit splashes into the toilet bowl, chunks flying all over the rim of the bowl, back up onto my face and t-shirt, and all onto the floor.
The second wave of vomit is when shit gets real. The pressure of throwing up and the initial dry heaving has unleashed the beast inside of my asshole, and the beast is angry. With the force of 1,000 hot, sweaty Mexican suns, a veritable flood of dark, oily taco shit starts seeping out of my asshole, soaking my boxers and leaking all over my legs and the floor. If you’ve ever seen the Black Oil in the first X-Files movie, that’s essentially what was coming out of my asshole.
I can’t count the number of heaves and squirts but the puking and shitting continues for some time, my body wrenching in pain and drunken confusion as I volley back and forth between peeing out of my butthole and spraying technicolor chunks all over the bathroom.
It finally ends and I’m laying on the bathroom floor deflated, still blackout drunk and now covered in shit and puke. I grab the closest towel and make a half-hearted effort to wipe myself off, but sensing the futility of handling this gargantuan task in my current inebriated state, I make the call. I’ll just have to deal with this later. Smart.
I crawl back into bed, chuckling bemusedly to myself at the streaks of shit I’m leaving all over the pristine white comforter, and soon I’m back to sleep.
There’s a critical detail you need to be aware of at this point in the story. When my friend and I left for the bars at night, we didn’t really think ahead. We didn’t realize we’d be far too drunk when we got back to think of the simple things you might want to take care of, like turning on the air conditioner so it doesn’t get too hot overnight, or closing the blinds so the sun doesn’t rape your eyes and ruin your sleep in the morning.
This had an unexpected but severe effect on the current situation. The smell of the shit and vomit caked all over my body, clothes, and bed start to heat up, and as the powerful Mexican sun rises this godawful stench is basically getting baked into the room, creating the single most vile smell I’ve ever experienced in my life.
At 7:30AM I am awoken by a yell so guttural and alarming that I can only assume my roommate is being decapitated by the drug cartels. I spring awake to see my friend gasping for air and FREAKING the fuck out.
“WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED? AM I DEAD? WHAT’S GOING ON? WHAT IS THAT SMELL?”
He woke up drunk as fuck in a strange hotel room and was immediately assaulted by the wave of black death. He would later describe the incident as the single most frightening and disorienting experience of his entire life.
When the commotion settled, I shower off as best I could before leaving $40 for the maid and heading down to the hotel pool to soak in the chlorine. To this day I don’t know how the maid possibly cleaned up the bathroom and bed and shitvom footprints leading from one to the other, but my hat goes off to her.
TLDR; Hotboxed my hotel room with sun-baked shitvom.
evildonald: $40 was not enough.
Silverlight42: I feel like maaaaybe $400 would start to be in the appropriate range if the hotel wasn't cockroach infested.
soeastside: lol it was a 4 or 5 star hotel called Beach Palace, so I guess that makes me a gaping asshole.
We actually were SUPPOSED to be staying at a roach motel. I left the planning of the trip to one of my friends, who booked a room for our whole group of 12 people at the cheapest hotel he could find without reading reviews, because apparently he's a moron. I got to the place we were supposed to be staying at, freaked the fuck out when there were more insects inside the room than outside, and promptly booked another hotel to stay at. I just couldn't deal...
[deleted]: > I guess that makes me a gaping asshole.
Well, you'd already established that.
| 5 | 78 | |
1396283970 | 1396317194 | t3_21u8cm | t5_2to41 | 314 | PapaTizzy1: TIFU By not taking my morning dump.
Apologies in advance for any bad grammar, posting from mobile.
I had to be at work early this morning so I slept as long as a possibly could, leaving myself no time for my daily wake up shit before I had to leave. Upon arriving to work, I knew I'd need to drop one, but I was busy so I waited until things calmed down.
A few hours go by, work was slow and I didn't really have the urge to go anymore so I postponed until I could get home to do my business. Late in the morning I got a call saying I'd been selected for a random urinalysis today. Perfect. I'd been pounding coffee all morning and for the first time ever, I actually had to pee when I needed to.
At the same time though, I felt the need to shit again and my intestines were rumbling. I should have shit just then before heading to my drug test and tried not to pee, but I wasn't sure if I could hold one and let the other go, so I pressed on and proceeded to the clinic to provide my sample.
I'm not sure how many other jobs are like this, but in the military, they have to have someone in there to physically watch you piss into the cup to thwart any shenanigans. My observer didn't know it yet, but I was about to ruin his day.
I started out just trying to pee without shitting, and I had to pee really badly, but after about 5 minutes of trying I knew what I had to do. I wasn't going to be doing one without the other. I don't remember what I said to the guy to break the bad news to him, but he was sincerely irate, and there was nothing he could do about it.
So I dropped trou and sat down. I wasn't even prepared for how violent this shit was going to be. Picture what would come out of a dirty hose if you covered about 80% of the nozzle with your thumb. After this high pressure geyser of liquid feces had evacuated itself, the stench became nearly unbearable, like rotten eggs and old Taco Bell. But finally, my pee was allowed to flow freely and the deed was done.
I think this was more awkward for the observer than it was for me, but it was one of the most uncomfortable experiences of my life. In my defense though, he was trying to make small talk with me while I was trying to pee before hand, so I partly consider it payback.
GubmentTeatSucker: >daily wake up shit
How overweight are you?
camahan: Once you get past 23 you will find this out. If you don't you may want to see someone about your GI situation.
GubmentTeatSucker: I'm older than 23. I don't shit every morning.
Crazywhite352: Me too and I don't either. I shit around noon everyday.
GubmentTeatSucker: TIL to increase my fiber-intake. Also, big up, Gainesville.
Crazywhite352: Close to Gainesville, Ocala baby! :D
| 7 | 44.857143 | |
1396286965 | 1396302400 | t3_21udlf | t5_2to41 | 53 | aprofondir: TIFU by trying to give a cookie to a girl
So in school today I had cookies and I wanted to give a cookie to this one cute girl I knew...So after getting the confidence, I give it to her. Well, as I reach out to give it to her, it falls out of my hand and onto the grass. She gives me the deepest look, almost if she's saying ''Aprofondir, you're fucking retarded.''
I debated picking it up but I thought I'd just make a bigger ass out of myself, after humiliating myself in front of the whole school at first. So I just walked away without saying a word, which was probably the worst thing to do...
**TL;DR: Not everything was bad, as cookies were had.**
Prepare_To_Be_Woo-ed: Was that your last cookie? It would be a true FU if you dropped the cookie on the ground in front of her and then walked away with the rest of the cookies.
aprofondir: No, I didn't have any more of them...
Prepare_To_Be_Woo-ed: Then all is not lost...bring cookies in tomorrow just for her. Be honest and just tell her you were embarrassed at your clumsiness. You'll do fine.
aprofondir: Yeah I'll try
| 5 | 10.6 | |
1396284861 | 1396304581 | t3_21u9v4 | t5_2to41 | 23 | Durzoshade: TIFU by locking my keys in my car...with the engine on
I had just gotten off work and driven to my college. I use my iPod instead of the radio so when I unplugged it I put my headphones on to listen to music. The music was just loud enough that I couldn't hear the engine was still running. Lucky me my parents live in town and had a spare key.
OrangeandMango: I dont understand how this happens, do you not need your keys to lock the car?
Durzoshade: No I used the lock button on the drivers side door
wolfcry0: I've made it a habit to only lock my car using the keys, it's saved my ass a few times
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1396293509 | 1396356652 | t3_21up2h | t5_2to41 | 32 | [deleted]: TIFU by accepting my dream job and quitting school.
**Backstory**
I've been going to college for about two and a half years now pursuing a degree in electrical engineering. I've been using my GI bill benefits to pay for it. Most of my friends are getting jobs as engineers now and hate everything about it except the pay. Over the past year, I've come to realize I don't want to sit behind a computer for the rest of my life or be an EE. It has lost all its appeal to me.
**Today**
I applied for a dream job and got a phone call interview a few days later. Everything went great and I accepted the job only to find out that I leave for training mid-April. That means I won't be able to finish school this semester. I tell my VA rep this information and he says I will have to pay back the tuition, fees, and housing allowance for the whole semester. ~$17,000.
I am now about $17,000 in debt. Fuck.
[deleted]: Out of curiosity, what's so bad about electrical engineering? Why do your friends hate their jobs?
pigheart: It's just not for me. My friends are all mechanical and electrical engineers. They text me all day and tell me how they can't stand their jobs. I'm a people person. I don't want to design and test things. I want to be around people and teach them to fly (or fall in a controlled manner).
[deleted]: I have a few engineer friends and they're pretty happy with it. You're right that it's not the most sociable profession though.
To echo everyone else, finish your degree. You only have one semester left, right? Don't throw away everything you've worked on so far.
| 4 | 8 | |
1396295417 | 1396299693 | t3_21usfu | t5_2to41 | -3 | imamfmonster: Tifu by leaving everything to the last minute.... Again.
Well I'm fucked, tomorrow is deadline day for coursework and I've done shit all, literally nothing. I haven't been well for a long time but I still should have done something, I kept telling my teacher I was doing it and now tomorrow is coming around and I'm stressed out my fucking mind and I feel sick to my stomach. Hell, I dont need the subject, but I'm gonna be in a world of shit tomorrow and I think I'm gonna have a meltdown. I'll keep you updated tomorrow and tell you how it's went, although from what I expect, it won't be good. This should be today I've fucked up for the past two or three months.
CaptainBenza: Get off reddit and at least do sooomething
imamfmonster: I'm trying to. I've had ridiculously high anxiety of late and I've used it to take my mind off things, i can't cope with this intensity though and i think i might legitimately need to get some councelling
| 3 | -1 | |
1396301063 | 1396307401 | t3_21v2la | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by chemically burning my eyes
To start, not only am I a complete idiot for doing it to begin with, I'm furthermore an absolute dumbass for doing it to both of my eyes.
A few days ago, I lent one of my siblings the solution I use to clean my contacts. He used it, never returned it, and effectively rendered me completely solutionless. When I went to take my contacts out last night, in dire need of some sort of liquid to put them in, I finally got my hands on [this](http://l.yimg.com/ck/image/A9310/93102/300_93102.jpg) little bottle of purified hatred (for those on mobile and too lazy to click it, it's a bottle of Care Clear). What I didn't know before I submerged my contacts into it for the night is that you have to use the special case they provide with the bottle in order to dilute the acid within.
Come this morning, at the bright and early 5AM, I go to put my contacts in. Nothing out of the ordinary as far as appearance goes, but the immediate moment I touched the contact to my eye, the searing pain of 1000 suns immediately erupts from my eye into my brain, causing my brain to immediately seal my eye lid shut and the torment that's currently dissolving my eye within. It took about 10 seconds for me to finally peel the half dissolved contact off of my eye and stop squirming. As again, I'm a complete dumbass, I didn't even think that it could have been a chemical burn from the solution, and just assumed it was maybe something that was on the lense before I put it in my eye, or maybe that it was backwards. So I reach for the second contact and go to put it into my left eye... what follows can only be described as utter agony. Again, the searing pain causes me to immediately shut my eye while it continues to stream tears down my cheeks and I struggle to open it back up. I finally accept the fact that the pain is too much for me to handle on my own, and stand up to begin the staggering trip down the hall to my parents' bedroom all the while cursing and clawing at my eye as the peroxide continues to eat away at my eyeball. Before I make the entire trip to my parent's gentle salvation, I finally claw the contact out of my eye and drop to my knees in absolute blinding, writhing horror. I'm unable to open my left eye whatsoever, and I can feel that there's something incredibly wrong with it. I make my way to the bathroom and inspect my eyes, and they're both completely bloodshot and absolutely soaked in tears and peroxide solution.
After futile attempts at flushing it out, I finally cave in and beg my mother to just put me out of my misery (which she doesn't, mind you), and she quickly responds that if need be, we'll drive to the hospital. Being the tough person I think myself to be, I tell her that we can wait, and if the pain doesn't go away, we'll go, however until then I'll just wait until the Optometry office opens and then ask if they can bring me in and take a look at the damage. The problem being, of course, is that this conversation took place at roughly 5:10AM and the office doesn't open until about 9AM. I ended up sitting around with my eyes pulsating with pain until 9AM hit, and was then promptly driven to the Optometry place, only to have them let me know that I've managed to chemically burn my iris, sclera, and pupil to the point that I'm on medicated drops and an absence from work for the next couple of days.
I fucked up pretty badly.
TL;DR: Caustic Clear Care causes crippling agony at 5AM... twice.
CaptainBenza: I laughed so hard. I'm crying so hard it's like I have chemical burns on my ey-oooooh.
ElizaberryLoL: Yeah... I have no idea how I missed the red banner at the top of the bottle, but holy hell did I ever end up paying for it. The icing to the cake is that in my utter disappointment that my eyes were being dissolved, I lost both contacts to the floor. Not that I would ever consider putting that specific pair back into my eyes, it'd at least been nice to have them as mementos.
CaptainBenza: Wear them around your neck so you'll never forget
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1396303834 | 1396308033 | t3_21v7n6 | t5_2to41 | 28 | Aelathehuntress: TIFU by standing up in the loo
If you think you know embarrassment, you know nothing! And this particular embarrassment happened slap bang in the middle of college.
This week the river is flowing red, except its more of a lagoon with some nasty shit thrown in there for good measure. I've sat uncomfortably through 2 hours of mechanics so I figured that I'd go to the loo and sort myself out etcetera. Once I'd finished, I foolishly stood up and Krakatoa erupted. Its exactly like squirting the dregs of the ketchup bottle on your chips and having a nasty red shart splatter your plate. Initially I thought the disaster had been avoided as I only noticed a drip on my thigh. I'm about to leave when I notice my shoes are sticking to the vinyl floor. In fact what I had failed to realise was that a tidal wave had swept across the back of my jeans, trickled down the trouser leg and settled itself in the back of a brand new pair of walking shoes. It looked like someone had slashed the femoral vein at the back of the foot and let it bleed out, all over a white floor. Cue footprints. There was no way I could go out of the cubicle at peak time covered in period blood and so I seized the opportunity when the coast was clear (and leaving a trail), exited the maths block and consequently had to walk through college, filled with other girls knowing exactly what had happened, to the nearest exit over the other side of the college as they are currently doing building work on the quick way out. Cue disgusted looks.
**Tldr; Nasty red period shart all down jeans and shoes, left a trail to the prize in blood footprints (seriously looked like an exorcism had taken place) and had to walk through college filled with people in aforementioned apparel.**
robertmeowneyjr: I have to say, the imagery and language in this sub is amazing. Also reset the counter.
chalkchick0: You may be due to visit /r/eyebleach. LOL
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1396312074 | 1396621943 | t3_21vluh | t5_2to41 | 28 | killerstiletto: TIFU by almost killing my cat via tumble dry
I have a bad habit of letting my clothes get wrinkled after I wash and dry them, and using an iron is not something I'm particularly terrific at. So, in order to dewrinkle my clothes, I usually just throw them in the dryer for a few minutes so they're warm and look at least decent.
Today I was in a big hurry to get out the door because I had been procrastinating and didn't get ready for an appointment I had to leave for in 30 minutes. I threw my clothes in the dryer and pushed the on button while I headed toward the bathroom to put my hair up when I heard it.
I had only thrown a t-shirt and a pair of jeans in, but there was a loud clunking noise coming from the dryer.
And then after two more clunks I heard a bloodcurdling meow.
This is where I went into panic mode and for a split second I froze.
When I finally managed to move, I opened the dryer and my cat flew out and took off into the kitchen.
When I say "took off", I really mean he wobbled and weaved toward the kitchen like a drunk sorority girl.
I feel super horrible about almost killing my cat and possibly ruining my dryer.
TL;DR Cat hair is stuck to my clothes immediately after getting them out of the dryer, but on the plus side, my cat smells fresh as a fucking daisy.
All_the_white_people: Unsure whether to UV or DV because fuck cats. UV because it was hilarious
ViolentThespian: Pushing a cat gently off your lap because you don't like them is much less the asshole thing to do rather than be amused one got out through a dryer. That's just not humane.
i_pk_pjers_i: Perhaps he's just a sociopath, incapable of feeling any empathy.
Ark45: They can show it just fine. They just can't feel it.
i_pk_pjers_i: You are right, my bad, I have edited my post now.
| 6 | 4.666667 | |
1396313568 | 1396539670 | t3_21voc6 | t5_2to41 | 6 | Crescent5trike: TIFU By playing the wrong part of HIMYM Ending
Watched the 2nd half of the finale today. Sat on the couch confused and raged for a bit.
uhhh_whatup: What the fuck. I did the same fucking thing. I spend nine years faithfully watching episodes. I *cared* about the plot of a sitcom for literally a fucking decade. Then I ruin the fucking ending by watching the 2nd half of the finale. My fucking username is based on himym.
Some shitty streaming website fucks it all up for me. I am full of spite and hate.
Elwoods: You ate an olive. What up?
| 3 | 2 | |
1396311459 | 1396436738 | t3_21vktk | t5_2to41 | 11 | jeremy2121: TIFU by keeping beers in the freezer for too long
I have a box of beer in the garage from when I hung out at my friend's house last Thursday, drinking beer, eating pizza, and playing videogames. Good times.
Earlier today I decided to stick a couple of the beers in the freezer for later consumption, for I very much like my beer to be icy cold. I'd done this before and it was fine; I came back about half an hour later and the beer was at a lovely cold temperature.
This time, however, I fucked up. I'd planned to retrieve the beers half an hour later... but I forgot. And they remained there for the whole day, up until about an hour ago, when I decided to have a drink as I went about my videogaming business (solo this time).
It turns out that when you keep beer in the freezer for too long, it becomes this sort of foamy slush. (Well, a lot of drinks go all slushy under these circumstances, so no surprises there.) It also turns out that if you try to open a bottle of foamy slush beer it FUCKING ERUPTS LIKE A WHITE FOAMY BEER-SCENTED VESUVIUS AND IT FUCKING GOES **EVERYWHERE.**
From my bedroom to across the hall to the bathroom (in which I ejected the remainder of the projectile beer-foam into the toilet), there was a trail of beer stains all over the floor. Thank fuck it was midnight and everyone was asleep (and thank fuck we have hard wooden floors rather than carpet, so cleaning up wasn't as nightmarish a task as it could've been).
Sadly, I wasn't able to save the beers. I tried warming the unopened bottle under the tap in an effort to melt the slush and bring it back to its liquid (and non-explosive) form, but my efforts were in vain. Sorry, Budweiser.
tl;dr: helped my beer achieve its dream of being a volcano
JA24: Done this before, knew what would happen if I opened it. My solution: Throw it out the back door into the garden, whereupon it exploded with the force of Little Boy and Fat Man put together, and destroyed part of the Greenhouse..thanks Budweiser.
jeremy2121: You know, I'm sort of regretting having not tried that now.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1396322422 | 1396414171 | t3_21w3ie | t5_2to41 | 19 | ccpolarbear: TIFU by walking over a frozen pond in 52 degree weather.
Spring has finally come here in Michigan, so I took a nice, long walk today. While hiking through a certain swampy area, I saw a pond that was still pretty much frozen over. I walked across it, and noticed that the ice got thinner as I moved towards the other side. Thinking I would be fine, I went on anyways. Two steps later, I was neck-deep in brown muddy swamp-water. I quickly pulled myself to shore, and stumbled on home. Also, my wallet and phone were in my pocket at the time, so those were ruined.
tl;dr: I walked across a seemingly frozen pond, found out it wasn't frozen, and fell in. Wallet and phone destroyed.
xJayBo: Were you trying to get a frisbee? I may know you?
ccpolarbear: Haha nope just out for a walk.
elocsitruc: OP is like Ohhhhh shit. Maybe if I reply nonchalantly he will think its someone else
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1396321493 | 1397620822 | t3_21w1yq | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU By killing my brother.
musicguy2013: I hate you.
danthezombieking: And I hate you, random citizen!
| 3 | 1 | |
1396327325 | 1396373184 | t3_21waw0 | t5_2to41 | 78 | ldonthaveaname: TIFU by asking my friend if she was serious or trying to April Fools me when she told me she was probably drugged and raped on Saturday.
5 minutes after midnight she confessed this.
Now she's crying her eyes out because it took her 5 hours to get the courage to ask me for advice etc and she thinks I'm not taking it seriously.
It's absolutely NOT and April Fools joke -.-
Fuck.
edit: she has forgiven me, but this situation is far from okay. ugh.
update: thanks for the support everyone. I'm with her now, she's not as big a wreck anymore. she'll be getting help tomorrow from a professional and filing a police report shortly after.
[deleted]: I don't think that's a fuck up like an 'oops! accident,' I think that's just you having a naturally shitty personality. And please don't become a therapist, no matter how much you think you already pretty much kind of are one because you read a book once or something.
ldonthaveaname: ʅ(◔◡◔✿)ʃʅ(◔◡◔✿)ʃʅ(◔◡◔✿)ʃʅ(◔◡◔✿)ʃʅ(◔◡◔✿)ʃʅ(◔◡◔✿)ʃʅ(◔◡◔✿)ʃʅ(◔◡◔✿)ʃʅ(◔◡◔✿)ʃ
\>Shitty personality
\>Posts to /r/sex /r/drugs /r/MakeupAddiction
hueheuhe
[deleted]: It's almost like this is an account created just to post in those three subreddits or something
Also, do you not like healthy sex advice and good hygiene or...?
ldonthaveaname: Hahahhaha
| 5 | 15.6 | |
1396329583 | 1397530052 | t3_21wdxd | t5_2to41 | 18 | Snipertroll12312: TIFU by knocking over a pallet of 2L Pop bottles
I work at a foods store in Alberta as a Grocer (the guy who stalks shelves and does other shit around the store). Today was a pretty normal day until I fucked up.
I was on my break when my manager tells me to stalk up the 2L Plastic pop bottles quick so she doesn't have to do it later. So I walk to the other side of the store to the back room to get the 100 pound pallet of pop out into the isle to stalk them up.
After when I was done stalking I began ascending towards the back room to put the pallet back. I finally get to the doors and hit a sudden low spot which forces the stacks of pop to fall forward and crash on the floor (it was stacked taller than myself). All you could hear was a "CRASH!" and "FZZZZZZ!!!" when it impacted the floor. 10 bottles of pop instantly burst and exploded which covered the entire back room with sticky pop. It looked like a fountain of pop spraying everywhere, it even got the ceiling wet!!!! Fuck! I storm out of the back room and tell my manager which she instantly freaked on first sight of the mess.
After 2 hours the back was finally cleaned from the sticky pop and I still have my job...
TIL; to pay more attention!!!!!
Here is the photo, doesn't look like much but it was!
http://imgur.com/ap8mlGT
homfri: Remember to wrap your pallets kids. Homfri, th friendly forklift driver. It sucks but defines fly don't be embarrassed about it. Bosses are forgiving with this kind of thing, like I said it sucks and they will be loaded, but they always forgive. I still had my job after I ruined $500,000 worth of industrial printer ink.
mash3735: So like, a few ounces?
homfri: 4 to be exact. But seriously my foreman was pissed, but I didn't understand how. I made a 60square foot rainbow circle, it was beautiful and a little smelly.
mash3735: Should have taken pics of the most beautiful fuck up ever
homfri: 8.50/hr doesn't leave much room for a mobile picture phone when your dumb and don't understand the word 'budget'
mash3735: Looks like you need to learn how to "budget" and look in the right places
| 7 | 2.571429 | |
1396366725 | 1396380569 | t3_21xi4n | t5_2to41 | 1,691 | DaBossBall: TIFU by botching an interview for an internship and finding out about it in another interview.
I am a student in a masters program and I was hoping to find a summer internship. One of my professors is in charge of a lab group and was looking to hire an intern.
He gave me a chance with an interview. I could tell by the end that I was not what he was looking for. A lot of that had to do with me starting the masters program in the Spring and only having one semester while the other applicants have two semesters.
I didn't think a whole lot about it when I left.
Yesterday I interviewed to be a Teaching Assistant for another professor in the same department. The interview was going well enough. Then the whole essence of my being sank. I didn't know how to respond when the interviewer mentioned something that happened in my other interview.
While interviewing for the internship, I had a complete brain fart. Total lapse in thought. I have my BS in Computer Science and forgot what programming languages I knew. Totally blanked on the names. I thought I had played it off and it wasn't a big deal.
In my Teaching Assistant interview the interviewer mentioned how my other professor had interviewed someone that couldn't remember what programming languages he knew. I almost fell to the floor and hoped to blend in with the carpet when he said that. The TA interviewer did not remember the name of the person that was being interviewed for the internship (me) or he did and realized it after he made his statement.
I have never done something so stupid in an interview, and then to hear it as a funny story from someone else a week later....
Casual_Bandit: Wow, just forgetting something is enough for a funny story? I must be missing some sort of computer science humor, that or the professor has the worst sense of humor.
-SnowMan-: Forgetting what programming languages you know is like saying "I cant remember what languages I speak". It's fucking dumb
Thane_of_pussy: Programmer here, can confirm. It's alright though, I've used so many that I actually legitimately forget what ones I've used. That's why people pick one or two main ones and go with them.
Mistakes happen OP, it was just one of those days. Surely they could understand because you were placed in a really anxious situation (nerves during an interview are/should be expected).
I made a mistake when I was younger. I was asked how I would deal with pompous programmers and actually get them to believe their code is wrong. I babbled out shit and they sat there looking at me. I had missed the simplest answer. *Show them it doesn't work*.
They still hired me.
emag: The problem with "Show them it doesn't work" is the inevitable response of "Well, it works on my box...". Probably a good thing I didn't have access to firearms back then...
Thane_of_pussy: Nah, I found ways around it. Found some major issues with their code, especially with one of them. He never tested his code :/
d-daybuttercup: How in the heck do you get away with never testing your code?
Thane_of_pussy: Please re-read. I tested other people's code. They didn't test it.
d-daybuttercup: No, I meant how did that guy get away with never testing his code? I guess it's because you are paid to test it.
Thane_of_pussy: He was meant to test it. He never did full tests. As long as it initially did what was required by the minimum scope, it was "complete".
He doesn't work there now... Let's just say that.
EuphemismTreadmill: OK. "He doesn't work there now."
depricatedzero: your username is retarded
EuphemismTreadmill: I thought it was mental.
depricatedzero: Maybe. I felt challenged when I read it.
EuphemismTreadmill: That must be a special feeling.
| 15 | 112.733333 | |
1396369157 | 1396428850 | t3_21xmge | t5_2to41 | 160 | [deleted]: TIFU by frying my 2000 dollar computer from my parents
Guys, I fucked up bad.
So about 3 years ago I graduated the 9th grade with honors. So my parents being proud of me, brought me out to buy me a very high end gaming laptop. They bought it for me around march in 10th grade, because they needed to save some money up for the computer, the wait was worthwhile though. I was extremely happy, my 10th grade summer was complete. When i'm not enjoying the weather, i'm inside playing games or whatever. It was the best summer of my life.
Jump ahead to present day. I got the computer on the 30th of March '11, the warranty we bought for it was 3 years. So on Sunday, it was my computers 3rd birthday. I for some reason saw this as a milestone for my beautiful machine, which still worked fine. So today is a snow day where I live, so I decided it was a perfect time for the "party". I grabbed a beer from my dad's fridge and turned music up really loud.
It was a party, I think my computer enjoyed most of it. I finished my beer, but wanted another. So I stole a second beer. As I was opening the beer, it slipped out of my hands and landed on the computer. I didn't know what the hell was happening, so I started freaking out. By the time I picked up the beer, it was empty.
The damage dealt was horrific. There was a huge crack in the screen from where the beer had landed. Then the liquor itself seeped inside the keyboard. It also got inside the screen and fan, it even got in some of the usb ports. Even the charger port was fried.
Worst of all, the 3 year warranty ran out on Sunday. It took me two days to break my computer when I had 3 years to do it any other day.
So i'm sitting here on my mothers netbook, typing this. I'm terrified for when my parents come home. They will find my destroyed computer from beer. I'm under aged if that adds to the fuck up.
**TL;DR I celebrated my computers birthday with an under aged beer, I then destroyed my computer with said beer**
**Update** Parents still not home, i'm freaking out. I don't know what to do. Will update later
**Final Update** I washed off the beer smell with water and then mountain dew. My dad came home first, I told him everything that happened except with the beer. He felt bad and looked into the warranty. It's being checked by a family friend. But if It can't be repaired, he's going to put a little bit of money into a computer that I'm gonna buy. Other than that thanks to /u/ductyl for the advice, It got me out of some huge trouble. And thanks for the other comments guys!
zman0900: You done fucked up, but your warranty wouldn't have covered beer damage anyways.
GrackleFrackle: Really? For some of those warranties you can throw the thing down a staircase and get a fresh one, they'll cover anything.
Anyway good fuckup OP. I bet the laptop reeks of stale beer too.
Delts28: You sure you're thinking of warranties and not some kind of individual product insurance? Warranties here (UK) are only for part failures, not damage from other sources.
GrackleFrackle: In the US, if you buy an "extended warranty", it usually covers even "accidental damage", which is basically anything. I've heard of people who've thrown electronics down stairs or into pools so they can get a fresh one.
Delts28: Is that not what contents insurance is for? Also, do they not have grace periods on these things. I know Sony certainly gives 2 weeks grace period on their normal warranties here.
GrackleFrackle: I haven't heard of contents insurance. Must just be differences in the way things work.
Delts28: Contents insurance is a type of house insurance that you buy here (along with buildings) which protects you against damage to your possessions. It's mainly there for things like fires/burglaries/floods but policies also cover accidental damage. Buildings insurance is there purely for your actual building being damaged.
KristyConfused: My understanding of homeowners/renters insurance is extremely limited, but I don't think contents insurance is very common in the US. Basically, homeowner's insurance and renter's insurance protects the home and its contents in an event, such as a break-in or a fire, but not from accidental damage. Flood insurance is not common, either, but typically available.
But I could very well be wrong about that.
PixelOrange: Renters insurance is contents insurance. Renters insurance doesn't protect the home in any way. Otherwise, you'd be paying for a policy that protects someone else's property.
Homeowners insurance covers the cost of damages to the home. Most also have it written in that it covers up to X of your possessions in the event of a catastrophic loss. You can also get riders on your policy that allow you to replace things at a lower deductible (say, if your laptop breaks).
tldr: We don't buy separate insurance called "contents insurance". We just buy one and then add riders to that insurance if we want it. Most people don't because insurance deductibles and premiums are expensive.
| 10 | 16 | |
1396381141 | 1396383477 | t3_21y7tm | t5_2to41 | 334 | NavySpin: TIFU by punching an innocent stranger.
My roommate and I have a "secret handshake" of sorts in which, upon meeting each other while walking in opposite directions or entering the room, we remain completely silent and punch each other.
Now, the psychological and social ramifications behind this are probably another story. I don't know what fuels it; I don't even remember how it started. It's probably some sort of strange alpha male dominance thing.
Anyways, I was walking up the stairs to our dorm after class this morning, and I met him coming down on his way out the door. According to protocol, I silently stared forward and punched him in the chest. Not hard enough to do damage, but with enough oomph that he stumbled down the remaining three or four stairs. He caught himself on the landing, and I continued up to my room.
Imagine my horror, then, when I opened the door and found my roommate still asleep in bed.
In my defense, this innocent bystander looked identical to my roommate, even wearing the same kind of shoes and jacket. The staircase was technically for maintenance use, but longtime residents use it from time to time as a faster exit from the building. It's an unusual occurrence to meet somebody on these stairs, even moreso if that person is coming from our fifth floor residence. In retrospect, however, I should have recognized this as a recipe for disaster.
To the stranger whose morning was off to a very bad start today due to a random act of violence, I am deeply sorry. I was only trying to assert my dominance.
SatanMD: They probly think a friend of theirs has orchestrated some elaborate prank and now they will be paranoid for the rest of the day flinching at any sudden movements. Or they just think you're some completely random asshole.
alpineliam: To be fair in this situation he is a completely random asshole.
| 3 | 111.333333 | |
1396387041 | 1396466765 | t3_21yiac | t5_2to41 | 11 | MorePillsPlease: TIFU by thinking a mentally handicapped man was drunk.
Okay well it wasn't today, but it was about a month ago.
So I was at a bar with a few friends just enjoying a few beers and watching a big game on TV. The place was pretty packed with a bunch of other people who were mostly drinking as well.
Fast forward, I see a guy stumbling out of the corner of my eye with a couple people helping him. Semi-drunk me doesn't process the situation and immediately says, "That guy's done", thinking he was being helped out cause he was too drunk. After I said that I noticed he was mentally handicapped and was getting help to walk to the bathroom probably by his parents. That day... I fucked up.
kjbrasda: Just curious how you could tell his handicap was mental.
I know a couple of people with cerebal palsy, which does not always include mental impairment. They can look very drunk though. The people I know often do get very drunk.
MorePillsPlease: I guess I can't be 100% sure, but he seemed to have little "ticks" as well.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1396390606 | 1396464401 | t3_21yojc | t5_2to41 | 80 | shellehbelleh: TIFU by exposing my naked body to a child.
Getting ready for work, I put on my bra and found my top. I knew that my favourite undies were out in the lounge room though, so I casually waddled out to the laundry basket that was sitting against the full length window/ sliding door.
My naked body bends over as I browse through the laundry pile. No one is home, so I take my sweet, sweet time. "Hey, maybe I'll wear those pink ones! Ohh, or maybe the ones with lace..."
I choose a pair and hold them out in front of me, "Yep, these are the ones to get me through this dreaded Hump-Day!"
*Fucking finally*, I notice a bit of movement out of the window. *shit*, the WINDOW. Naked. In. Front. Of. Window.
Looking up, I can see the next door neighbours daughter standing on her front porch, just tall enough that she can see over the fence and right down into our yard.
She's looking at me with this look of sickened horror. I look back at her with an equal look of horror.
And then I do what any self respecting female would do; I turn around and run into my room; my ass wobbling along behind me.
TL;DR I stood naked in front of a child without realising, then wobbled my little ass at her as I ran off to hide.
fogred: Lol...I'm reminded of why I love rural living. Ah, the privacy :-)
fredinvisible: Bloody oath! I couldn't stand living in the city!
Thunder21: I can't imagine not being able to walk outside in my boxers, take a piss, and come back inside on a nice night.
| 4 | 20 | |
1396389106 | 1396460846 | t3_21yluv | t5_2to41 | 920 | HypnoticPissfest: TIFU by trying hypnotic masturbation
Wow. So this morning I was browsing some NSFW subreddits and stumbled across r/gonewildaudio. I filtered the top all time posts, which included several "hypnosis hands free orgasm" clips. I thought it sounded impossible but I said fuck it, I'll give it a try.
So the clip starts by getting you to relax and putting you in a trance stage. Much to my surprise, it's actually working. I never really believed too much in hypnosis but I'm feeling really relaxed and the audio starts getting pretty erotic. I start getting hard and after a few minutes my dick is throbbing. My breathing is starting to get faster and faster and I feel like I'm actually about to cum.
Then, it happens. I feel a great orgasm and warm liquid shoot on my chest. But...This is where it gets bad. It doesn't stop. I'm shooting a stream, and that's when I realize I'm pissing. I pissed all over myself and my bed. This fucking shit shot all the way up to my pillow case. I ran to the bathroom and finished my piss and then threw everything in the laundry and sat around wondering what the fuck just happened for 2 hours until everything was dry.
For the record, I had no idea I had to piss when I started. I'll have to try this again after I ensure my bladder is empty.
Cougs67: I'm going to try this out now, will report back with results
edit: felt *incredibly* relaxed, even got a solid chub, but I didn't have an orgasm. Was interesting though
Meth-Damon: Takes a couple gos, trust me.
Cougs67: Gos? What are those?
Meth-Damon: attempts.
Cougs67: oh fuck I'm retarded
I was thinking there was some super awesome sex drug I hadn't heard about
KristyConfused: It might have made more sense if he had spelled "goes" right.
legitsh1t: No, "goes" is a verb. He was trying to pluralize "go" the noun.
KristyConfused: "Goes" is the plural form of the noun. "Gos" is not a word. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/go?s=t
Edit: link
OneWonderfulFish: Yes it is. It's the plural of the game "go."
EDIT: Here's proof.
http://zyzzyva.net/misc/owl2-lwl-root-words.txt
This is a text file containing *all* the words in North American English as accepted by respected lexicographers today, an amalgamation of all the words found in the four most major source dictionaries combined:
* American Heritage College Dictionary (4th edition)
* Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary (11th edition, 2003 printing)
* Random House Webster’s College Dictionary (2nd revised and updated edition, 2000)
* Webster's New World College Dictionary (4th edition)
electricheat: From the link they pasted
>Go - noun, plural goes.
| 11 | 83.636364 | |
1396396596 | 1396422372 | t3_21yxyf | t5_2to41 | 13 | yeahsweg68: TIFU by looking at a woman's breasts while talking to her.
(Throwaway account)First post in this subreddit. This was pretty fucking embarrassing.
So I went to the store with some of my friends because we wanted to pick up some snacks.
After we all grabbed our snacks, I realized that I needed to get some hand sanitizer since I was all out. We slowly made our way to the other side of the store where the non-food items were. After looking around for a couple of minutes I got tired of trying to find it myself and decided that I'd just ask someone.
Just then a sales associate walks around the corner. I thought "oh, perfect" and say excuse me.
As I'm asking her where the hand sanitizer is, I realize that she's not wearing the usual uniform that they normally wear at that store. So halfway through my question I start to question whether or not she works there. To try to save myself from the embarrassment of "oh, I don't work here" Somehow in my right mind I though it would make sense to look down and see if she was wearing a name tag with the store logo on it. Maaaaan was that a bad idea.
As I get done speaking I dart my eyes right down to her chest to see if she's wearing a name tag. Yup, she is.
I then realize that I'm looking *right* at her breasts. She notices immediately and quickly covers her breasts with her hand. I think "OH SHIT!!!" and briskly look back up at her. She slowly tells me where the sanitizer is located while still holding her hand on her breasts just glaring at me.
I walk away in shame and embarrassment, not saying a word.
One woman in this world now thinks I'm a pervert.
[deleted]: ... throwaway acct for a story about how you looked at a woman's boobs, really?
And if you would quit shoving the hand sanitizer up your ass maybe you wouldn't run out so fast
KristyConfused: I don't think that's [the same guy](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/20xkh9/tifu_by_wiping_my_ass_with_hand_sanitizer/).
[deleted]: Thatsthejoke.jpg
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1396394591 | 1396465702 | t3_21yuzv | t5_2to41 | 41 | TwinLaker: By being nice to a kid.
megamilkshake: did you ask the mom if she wanted to take a ride in your car?
PKfire12: "My brand new car is parked right outside, how'd you like to go for a ride?"
megamilkshake: "Wait a minute I have to think."
PKfire12: He said "That's fine, may I please buy you a drink?"
megamilkshake: Heeeey macarena!
PKfire12: That's weird, I've always heard the next line as "one drink turned into three or four and they left and got into his car, and they drove away some place real far" I must have terrible ears
megamilkshake: yea a lot of people always mix up the lyrics.
| 8 | 5.125 | |
1396393904 | 1396554473 | t3_21ytwb | t5_2to41 | 28 | rider714: TIFU trying to look at a job offer...
Literally just did this.... I've been waiting since last Wednesday for a formal offer letter from a company. Today I finally received the email I had been waiting for, and I have to click on a link to view the offer. I click the link... it asks me to log in using the username and password I used to apply for the job. I forgot my password, so I figure no biggie, I'll just reset it. Click the reset link and it asks my for the answers to my security question... here's where the problem comes in... I can't remember one of my answers. So what do I do, yep that's right, I guess.... and manage to lock myself out of my account so I can't view my job offer and I have no idea how to reset my info now. FML
**TD;DR I locked my account and can't view my job offer... feeling like a genius...**
bakedrice: come one man, hasnt anyone told you to save important passwords or details? and you dont have any default passwords you normally use for accounts? i still upvoted you though, because this is a dumb fuck up.
Monso: I have a super long acronym I use for throwaways/unimportant accounts.
My "old" acropass was "ihtmanpbilmoo". I Had to Make A New Password Because I Lost My Old One. Requires a number? ihtmanpbilmoo1, bam.
My main accounts (ones that actually matter lol) have a much more sophisticated password.
smarmyfrenchman: Don't bother, guys, it's not his reddit password.
Monso: ......\* changes password from hunter2 to ******* \*
| 5 | 5.6 | |
1396402555 | 1396418991 | t3_21z71c | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by pranking A handicapped person
Its Around 7:30, going to school as usual. Today is April Fools day, so my friends decided to give a payback to some other kids that did this last year's April fools. But, as I was about to do an early prank on an annonymous person, and I decided to shoot shaving cream and, huge mistake, it turned out to be a handicaped person who I already had bad problems with. After this, I got Internal Suspension.
[deleted]: unless having shaving cream on campus is a violation of school policy, contest that yo
KristyConfused: I think an internal suspension is quite justified punishment for shooting shaving cream at someone, regardless of whether or not there's a specific policy regarding the stuff.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1396404968 | 1396448267 | t3_21zar9 | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: TIFU by almost ruining my first relationship.
This was a little while ago, Feb. 13. I apologize for its length.
So I had finally gotten my first girlfriend, and she is a wonderful person. I'm 17, she's 15. We'd been dating a month when this happened, literally the day after our 1 month anniversary. Well, I'd been getting a little stressed out because I had a lot going on. I had something to do every day, and I wasn't used to it. I normally have down time to decompress.
She'd never had a boyfriend for Valentine's Day. And her past boyfriends were jerks (the last one did drugs. Now she's dating a straight A Catholic boy). Well, like I said, I'd been getting a little stressed out, and so was she. She did cheerleading and basketball, so she had to go to all the games and two practices, and juggle having a boyfriend. I wanted to go to the games to see her, and I had martial arts training twice a week (2nd Red Belt, Taekwondo). I also worked on weekends, while a lot of people get to sleep in.
On to the day of reckoning. First hour of school, my property got stolen from me (my water bottle). I was a little pissed because of that. Second hour was weightlifting. I did my workout, I was sweaty and everything. So in the locker room, I took off my shirt and started to move toward the paper towel dispenser to dry off. Well, I decided to shimmy behind a guy to get to it. Unfortunately, he bent over to pull his pants up at just that moment. The position we were in made it look like I was molesting him. All the guys were like, "OOOOOOHHHH!!!!!! HE GAAAAAY!!!!"
I tried to ignore it and made my way to the dispenser. They kept carrying on ("HA! GAAAAAY!") and I finally cracked under all the stress. I shout, "Shut up! Just shut up! I don't want to hear this crap!"
They keep going and I shout it louder. "SHUT UP!"
Here's where it gets real. A guy (not the guy I molested) comes up to me and says, "What if I don't?"
My back's to the lockers at this point and he shoves me. Immediately, I'm not angry anymore. I realize it's about to go down. The guy shoves me again ("Or what?"). I notice his hands are clenched, like he's about to swing. He pushes me a third time. I realize there's only one way out of this. I had to fight.
For the record, I do like fighting, but I don't like hurting people. It's only fun if it's in a controlled situation, like competition.
So after he pushes me the third time, I jab him in the face, end up busting his lip. He brings his hands up and starts throwing punches. I get out of the way of them and punch him twice more in the face. He throws a hook to my head but I block it (sort of. It does connect lightly). Then I front kick him away. He comes back in and grabs me around the waist. I thought briefly about hitting his spine with my elbow, but I couldn't bring myself to hurt him like them. Instead I get him in a headlock and try to choke him out.
He ends up getting out of it, and picks me up from behind, and throws me face first into the concrete. Four teeth chipped.
The guys break up the fight then. The teacher comes in and sends the other guy to the office. I pick up my teeth, finish getting dressed, and head to the nurse. I tell my story several times and the principal understands what I'm saying, but still has to punish me because it's the "thing to do." Both me and the other guy get ISS.
While I'm in the nurse's office, my girlfriend comes in. She's holding her hand gingerly. Turns out when she heard about the fight, people made fun of her ("your boyfriend got beat up!") She left the classroom in fury and ended up punching a concrete wall. She sprained her hand.
She seemed mad. She didn't say anything. We both went to the emergency room. I got stitches, she had her hand x-rayed.
My parents grounded me, not because they were mad. They understood it's what I needed to do. They grounded me because that's what parents need to do.
Meanwhile, my girlfriend is mad because I ruined Valentine's Day. We were going to go see Frozen, but then this happened. She started thinking I was a jerk like all the other guys. I ended up seeing her briefly to give her a Valentine's day chocolate heart, and promised I'd make it up to her.
I don't see her for a bit. About halfway through ISS, she comes in to deliver some homework. Really she wanted to see me. She said we'd talk later.
She later told me she thought about breaking up with me, but then realized that while she didn't see me for 5 days straight, she thought, "Oh my God, I miss him!"
I thank God she forgave me. I thought it was the end of the relationship. I got lucky.
Btw, I later found out the guy used to train MMA when he was like sixteen, and was more of a wrestler. I'm a striker. I clearly beat him with strikes, but then he took it to the ground. He's been flunked (he's nineteen, and a senior). He's one of those guys that doesn't care. I was to hesitant to try to hurt him, but he wasn't. I just wanted to get the message across, he wanted to hurt me.
TL;DR: I nearly ruined my first relationship with a wonderful girl by fighting another guy. He chips my teeth, I bust his lip, and it might not be over to him...
KristyConfused: I don't think you fucked up here. You knew you could seriously injure him, so you held back. NOT a fuck-up. It shows you maintain a cool head under pressure. You didn't know he could injure you. NOT a fuck-up. Given your training and your lack of knowledge of your opponent, you made the right decision. As far as the actual starting of the fight, you didn't instigate it.
After that, everything else was out of your control.
AccidentalRebel72: Thanks for all that :) But did I forget to mention we're still making payments for the dental work and stitches? Lol
Monso: Sounds like if you spent some time hitting the ground you'd know to break the fall with something other than your face, lol.
Trust me bro, your dignity is worth chipped teeth. If you didn't stand up for yourself, you better believe the taunting would turn into bullying, and then lies, and then kiss your social life & possibly girlfriend goodbye.
TIFU? Nay. Today you were a man. Although your timing fucking sucks. In hindsight, you should've told him to pack it like you did to him last night and settle your differences tomorrow, I've got a ladyfriend to impress tonight and I'm afraid I don't want to risk damaging this beautiful thing \*draws circle around face, while flashing Blue Steel\*
But seriously though, you stuck up for yourself; ain't nothing wrong with that. The only manlier thing you could've done is stick up for someone else.
| 4 | 0.25 | |
1396403243 | 1396419293 | t3_21z836 | t5_2to41 | 25 | TheWeirdNerd: TIFU by not reading a raffle ticket.
Well, this is more of my dad's fuck up.
A little boy knocked on our door and my dad opens it. The kid is selling a raffle ticket for $2. Since my dad's wallet was in his car and my mom was borrowing it, I had to give the boy $2 instead.
My dad looked at the raffle ticket.
The raffle occurred March 28.
April Fool's Day to us.
chalkchick0: Is the last date a prize can be collected printed on the ticket? If no one had the matching ticket it may still be valid. If the prize must be collected at time of drawing the Kid got you.
KristyConfused: Typically, raffle tickets are sold to the raffle organizers on a 2-by roll, and when a ticket is sold to an entrant, the entrant gets one while the organizers keep the matching one. The copy kept by the organizers goes into the hopper, and the winner is chosen from the hopper. So in such a scenario, there's 0 chance that the ticket is a winner, because the mate to it hasn't ever been in the hopper, so couldn't have been picked.
That's not to say this is the only way to do it, but it'd be smart not to use a method that overruns the number of tickets sold or can return a winning number that hasn't been sold.
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1396411014 | 1396557471 | t3_21zj98 | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by masturbating
First of all, I'm female (it's kinda important). About half an hour ago I was laying in bed trying to sleep, so I decided to flick the been, to help me sleep of course. My phone was all the way across the room (about a foot away) so I decided to just use my imagination. 30 seconds later, BOOM! I lay in bed, gasping for breath, tired and ready to go to sleep. Except I'm really out of breath. Wow I'm so out of shape! Its kinda hard to breathe... Oh my god I can't breathe. By the way, I forgot to mention I have severe anxiety and partial paranoia. I start freaking out thinking I'm going to suffocate here alone in my room. Half an hour later, its almost 12 midnight and I'm still freaking out, writing this on reddit. I'm half terrified I'm going to die, half embarrassed this is what triggered my anxiety. Fuck
ohnoes12: Ever try Xanax?
goliegirl2012: My therapist thinks that to get over my anxiety I shouldn't rely on medication
Monso: If it's any consolation (and I'm not sure if your anxiety is psychological or chemical, or the severity if it......sounds worse than mine though), but I conquered agoraphobia and moderate anxiety without medication. Your case may be different, but there's always hope.
goliegirl2012: I hope so. I hate medication and I'm somewhat young to be taking medication on a regular basis that affects my mind
esearcher: Anxiety meds are not like anti-depressants, and don't need to be taken regularly, only when you are suffering an anxiety attack.
smarmyfrenchman: That has not been my experience with anxiety meds. You may be talking about a very specific kind.
esearcher: I'm talking about traditional anxiety medications/benzos (xanax, clon/lorazepam, for example. These aren't meant for daily use). I don't know what kinds of meds you've been taking, but if you have to take them every day, I'm guessing you're taking some kind of anti-depressant for GAD which you take daily, like Celexa, Lexapro, Paxil, etc.
The benzos are meant to be taken to bring relief to someone suffering an anxiety attack, they aren't a preventative measure like the daily ones.
*edited to correct GAD, accidentally typed GAO
| 8 | 2.25 | |
1396414522 | 1396615206 | t3_21znm2 | t5_2to41 | 22 | fatasianboi: TIFU by clicking the wrong button
Im a senior in high school that wanted to go to UT Austin. I live in San Antonio, and got this one year trasnsfer program from UT Austin called CAP. Where i attend one of their feeder schools for a year then i have guaranteed admissions to UT Austin. Well, tonight was the deadline to accept the offer. And after weighing all my options, i decided to do the program instead of attending UTSA then applying as a transfer student to UT. Well the list of approved feeder school was populated in the acceptance webpage. UTSA and UT Tyler were right above one another. The webpage was zoomed out just perfectly so the check boxes for the schools were mis alligned. I saw that my check mark was closer to UTSA and so i clicked on it. After submitting the agreement, i get a bunch of emails from UT Tyler saying i agreed to go to school with them. Well, i cant afford to move to Tyler then to Austin. Thats why i was going to go to UTSA then UT because it was one move and i live at home for a year which saves a ton of money. The agreement is a one click one chance deal. I fucked up big time. Now i have to apply at UTSA then apply to transfer to UT and i dont have guaranteed admission to UT.
under_depreciated: That's a whole new take n the phrase 'hard to get in to'.
Seriously though try to call the admissions office and explain. I don't even know where you would start but like /u/TPCTimesThree says, it can't hurt to try.
fatasianboi: So as it turns out, after many emails to the dean of admissions and explaining that i was somewhat in the wrong, but their website also added to the stressful event, i am going to college at UTSA!
Thanks for the help!
under_depreciated: Great!
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1396416649 | 1396448817 | t3_21zq0x | t5_2to41 | 102 | [deleted]: TIFU by having a guy slap me
Alright, so my friend and I have become somewhat FWB (well, have).
He's more on the vanilla side of the scale while I'm more on the rougher side of the scale.
So the other night him and I are discussing what each of our kinks were; with this said, I told him that I enjoy getting slapped while going down on a guy (specifically deep throating). So we talked so more and that was that.
Now, today we met up, hung out, and got ready to do the dirty deed.
Everything was going fine- I was enjoying myself by sucking him and he's enjoying it. Time passes by and the deep throating begins. While he's pushing my head down, he slaps me. I like it, so everything's cool, right? Time passes by and he does it again (fuck yes). The third time he does it, though, is where I basically got fucked (not literally :( ). He gets ready to slap me on my cheek again full force, but this time he ends up slapping me on **my fucking ear**. As soon as he did that I started hearing the little buzzing noise that you get in your ear after you've been earfucked by ridiculously loud music. Not only did I possibly damaged my ear, but I couldn't breathe due to a cock being down my throat.
So there I was, in pain, barely breathing, and completely turned off.
Fast foward to right now my ear is still buzzing (and hurting) and my throat fucking hurts.
Twidget84: His penis was okay though right? It didn't trigger any sort of "bite down" reaction?
EffYouSweetheart: I finished the job. He didn't know until we were done and I casually told him, haha.
theodrixx: What a champ.
| 4 | 25.5 | |
1396391925 | 1396646677 | t3_21yqr1 | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by being late to my first dissertation supervisor meeting.
I'm currently reading for a B.Sc. and was supposed to show up for my first meeting with my dissertation supervisor at 2:30pm. Having no lectures that day, I opted to stay at my dad's place since it's within walking distance of my university.
My dad is currently out of the country, so nobody's been in the house for a couple of days. I prepare myself a nice pizza and watch a couple of Youtube videos, using this clock in the kitchen to keep track of time (force of habit).
Fast forward a few hours and I'm looking at my phone to check an incoming message. My eyes glance at the phone's clock. 2:40pm. Shit. Goddamn daylight saving time. Of course, nobody was home to change the time on the kitchen clock. So, I rush out of the house and get to the university at 3:00pm. I find my supervisor leaving her office, and she tells me she'll send me an email later on, looking somewhat (understandably) ticked off. I done fucked up.
SneerfulWizard: A couple days!? DST was March 9.
SpicyPeaSoup: Last Sunday of March, where I live.
smarmyfrenchman: Really? Where is that?
SpicyPeaSoup: Malta.
smarmyfrenchman: Weird.
SpicyPeaSoup: DST in general feels weird to me.
smarmyfrenchman: Yeah, unless you're a farmer it's kinda dumb.
| 8 | 1.375 | |
1396413054 | 1396428296 | t3_21zlwi | t5_2to41 | 73 | Spuddy0108: TIFU by peeing in my bed at a friends place
I'm staying at a friends place for the week because my place is being renovated. I went to bed at around midnight because that is when my friend goes to bed and i don't want to keep him awake by sitting behind the pc all night. I'm sleeping in the attic where he has a spare bed. As i'm not tiered yet i continued reading my book called 'Fleming, keep sail'. A story about pirates terrorising Flanders' North-sea in the 17th century. It's a very 'watery' book. I stopped reading at about 2am. At that time i kind of needed to go for a pee but i didn't want to go down the stairs and risk waking up my friend. He's 74 years old and wakes up from the slightest noise. So i went to sleep. Of course i had to dream about the brave sailors coming back from East India with a loaded cargo, fighting of pirates on the impetuous canal that is the North-sea. The fact that the metal bed i was in was on the small side and my feet were touching the metal bars didn't help either. The floodgates opened... I woke up but the business was already done. I removed the wet sheets and put the mattress on it's side next to the bed not knowing the bottom of the mattress had a waterproof fleece so pee started dripping out on the floor. I must have pissed 2 litres. Inevitably i had to wake up my friend and tell him. He was very cool about it and handed me fresh blankets.
T3hBau5: You have a 74 year old friend? How old are you?
This_one_was_taken: Old enough to party
| 3 | 24.333333 | |
1396429764 | 1396431157 | t3_2200y3 | t5_2to41 | 21 | canconfirmshatabrick: TIFU by not listening to my gut.
So I had a midterm today for my Psychology class. I sit down and the question at the back of the paper is something along the lines of: "What colour would you see if you only had L cones?" and my brain says, "Red. It's red. I just know it's red. It's fucking red." and so I flip to the start put my name and go through the paper and do my best and all that. I return the to L cone question. "It's red! IT'S RED." I put my pen to the paper, about to write red, but then suddenly, it comes to me! It's blue! It has to be blue! I can't believe I was about to write red? I write blue and give my test in and walk out of the room with my friend. We're discussing questions and he says "Man that L cone one was such a giveaway huh?" "Haha yeah! What did you put?" "Red...what did you?"
IT WAS RED. IT WAS FUCKING RED THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME.
I've never felt like such an idiot.
PixelOrange: Always go with your first guess. Second guessing is statistically much less accurate.
canconfirmshatabrick: At least I'll know this for my next exam tomorrow :)
| 3 | 7 | |
1396430217 | 1396453042 | t3_2201aj | t5_2to41 | 5 | ju5t1c3w: Suggest we change days without accident counter.
soxordie: ...Are you saying this because you just shat yourself?
KristyConfused: That would be my guess.
What if someone has a TIFU where they shit themselves twice? Does that count for two?
soxordie: That's why I like the time-since system. It's like the first one doesn't even count. Overall, it's nicer to the sphincterally impaired.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1396441488 | 1396478306 | t3_220aev | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TISeriouslyFU By not saving numbers in my phone.
Don't ask me why. Maybe laziness? I don't know but please, save your contacts especially when you have a couple people you're talking to. Bear with me here.
I started talking to Guy number 1 several months ago and eventually on a whim under the influence end up meeting him a couple weeks ago and we hook up. That's all good right? Right, it was fun. I'm not a terribly big texter and we don't talk for awhile after that, until yesterday when he texts me out of the blue, start talking, when he says, "Hey, we should hang out again!"
Never being one to play games or beat around the bush, I send him a message after joking around a bit that says something like, that hookup isn't really what I'd decide to do in my right mind and I don't think I'm looking for sporadic booty calls (basically). Heerre's the part where the rap breaks down.
He replies, "Wait, what?" And instantly I'm mortified. Shit, I think, this is Guy number 2! Guy number 2 is just a chill guy I talk to every now and then just friendly, neither of us have hinted at any time to take it further than that. But now I just mistook him for someone who I needed to explain that our one time hook up in the backseat of a car won't be happening again and now I have to explain to him why I am needing to have that conversation with someone and somewhat try to save face. I do so by tons of "haha"s and "lol"s and apologies and by telling him that I thought I was texting a guy who. I. tried. to. shake. awhile. ago. Which isn't the exact truth, he wasn't annoying or clingy or anything like that, I had just decided that the ordeal and the direction it was headed wasn't for me but again, we hadn't talked in a bit.
And he replies, "You probably got it right then". What in the aboslute shit?? This was, ladies and gentlemen, in fact Guy number 1. And I know he's right because we had just been having a conversation throughout the day that touched on things we'd talked about before but in my moment of blind panic I didn't take the time to logic, because, who does, right? So here I am, full body freak out not able to do anything but laugh and hate myself. I apologize profusely and he says yes to my question of, "Can we just forget this whole thing happened???" but conversation is clearly shut down and I am convincing myself he hates me, though I'm not quite sure why he would. He's started to take longer to answer than he was and I threaten to call, and I call, and he texts me after to say he's "busy!" doing legitimate things we had talked about earlier in the day. I acknowledge my freak out and explain that I can't stand when I feel people are mad at me and that's the last text of the night.
Guys, I have never fucked up so long and so hard before, I feel terrible! What should I say if he ever decides to talk to me again?? I don't even know what happened. ~~He's a cool guy that I'd maybe like to see again, not at four in the morning in his car but at some point... Maybe?~~ See comment please before judging, not how I thought of it as I wrote!
FallenGambit: No. Nope. Nada. No sympathy for you. This is the problem with people these days, you want to play games and string each other along on the promise that you might one day wanna be a better friend or more than friends. I've done this myself, then had it done to me and fuck it's not nice.
Just be open and honest, you like someone? Tell them. You don't and don't appreciate there advances? Tell them. You maybe want something with him in the future? That's you being selfish and wanting to keep him in reach in case your other plans don't work out.
Harsh truth but I'm sorry. Be honest with people, you may hurt feelings but that quick pain is better than being led along for months, or ignored by someone for months only to get it shut in your face.
TinSpoonsForever: Woah, I appreciate your passionate comment but I'm not quite sure you read my fuck up correctly, haha. Here, I'll break it down so it's easier.
1. I text the guy I'm meaning to text the absolute truth, texting every now and then for a hook up is not what I'm wanting right now. I have *never* played games and that's something I'm quite proud of.
2. His reply makes me think that I'm texting somebody I don't know quite as well and I'm backpedalling from throwing details of my last romp in the hay at him.
3. He turns out to be the correct guy and I'm backpedalling from being so flippant about it, not that it's like that but because if it was the other guy I was texting, like I had thought it was, I wasn't exactly about to go into details about it. THAT'S what I don't want him to be upset about.
Your comment seems to not really pertain to my personal story, like stringing people along... but good points on all, I agree!
Monso:
> He's a cool guy that I'd *maybe* like to see again, not at four in the morning in his car *but at some point... Maybe*?
Sorry to interject...I just wanted to drop a couple pennies. I didn't really get a "selfish bitch" kind of vibe until the very end here (italicized)...it sounds like you're hinting that you may want to date him in the future but don't want to "lose him" because you don't know if you actually do or not.
I think that's how OC interpreted it. You definitely deserve some props for being calm & kosher in the face of scrutiny, though. You're cool.
TinSpoonsForever: Man! I appreciate those pennies! I wrote this all out at four in the morning without even rereading it, but without your explanation I was confused. Wow, that's awful. I honestly didn't even mean it like that, hence my not getting how I was stringing people along! For clarity, that first maybe was because he has not hinted whatsoever that he wants more than a hookup and I've said a couple times I'm not looking for the same thing so I'd see him without those expectations! The "... Maybe?" was literally me cringing at what I did and more of a, would "Maybe he'll have the tiniest desire to contact me again?"
Damn, such a mistype made me out to be such a bitch. Ah, well. I really appreciate your nice comments in spite of it all!
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1396444302 | 1396453298 | t3_220dnj | t5_2to41 | 47 | kars4kidz: TIFU by lying to a heartbroken, scared mother for no reason
This fuck up was approximately two weeks ago. I was in Philadelphia visiting colleges with, my mom and my sister, as I was a high school senior. After the long winded presentation/tour at Drexel and Temple really made me and my family hungry. We went to eat.
Finally, we decided that it is time to head back to the big train station in Philly and board a train back home. My bladder, however, was about to explode. I excuse myself to go use the bathroom. I ask an employee where the nearest restroom is and he directs me to it. On my approach, I see a kid, around 9 or 10, with a Phillies hat run past me with a panicked look on his face. I think practically nothing of it and go to use the bathroom. My urination went normally but as I walk out, I see a lady run toward me. She asks in a hurried breath if I had seen her son. She goes on to describe him to be exactly the kid I had seen. For no reason whatsoever I said calmly "no" and treated her like she was bothering me. Right after as she thanked me and sprinted away, I knew I fucked up. I tried to run after her but I had lost her in the crowded train station. I returned to my mom and sister and was empty for the rest of the day.
In hindsight, I don't think me mentioning that I had seen the kid a couple of minutes before would have practically helped the mother find him, but I still can't stand that I said no. I can only hope that they found each other but I have no way of checking. My answer haunts me to this day and sometimes I cannot get it out of my head.
**TL;DR In Philly train station and see a kid looking lost. Mother comes up to me later and asks if I had seen him. Lie for no reason.**
Rhana: As a parent, both fuck you and I understand. When your child is missing, nothing else matters in the entire world except for the fact that you can't find the person that you are solely responsible for. Any comments from people either helpful or non-helpful don't sink in at all, she won't remember what you said and she won't care. There are so many emotions that are going through you when you can't find your child, did they wander off, did someone take them, are they scared, are they hurt, what if they were hit by a car and I'm not there for that last second so they can hear me say to them that everything is going to be ok and that I love them or are they just standing by a shop window that happens to have a TV playing their favorite cartoon on. But all of that disappears the exact moment that you see them, you call their name and they turn around to you, you can see the relief in their eyes that they know they are safe again. All you want to do is wrap your arms around them and never let go, because if you do, they might get lost again, or god forbid, grow up and leave you forever.
emayelee: As a mother, I am upvoting you so hard that my phone is cracking.
| 3 | 15.666667 | |
1396453026 | 1396465222 | t3_220q6b | t5_2to41 | 11 | udit_kumar: TIFU by charging my phone
Basically i fucked up just by charging my phone, apparently I put too much pressure on the port, and its not repairable apparently. I am a tech savy guy who cant afford a new phone ....and kind of has OCD, not been able to think straight apparently ...yeah i know .. weird .. fuck
I am going out for a holiday for 3 days with my friends ,, guess m not gonna enjoy it.. :/
aptrapani: Why would you not enjoy your trip with your friends without your phone?
udit_kumar: cause well I become were restless if something is not right around me ... and well my phone isn't ..Yes m a weird guy
NobodySpecific: Sounds like it could actually be good for you to unplug for a few days. The world will not end without your phone.
udit_kumar: I guess I gotta learn that too!
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1396442940 | 1396484452 | t3_220c06 | t5_2to41 | 126 | Throwawayitisnot: TIFU by driving into a snowbank with a company vehicle.
Okay, using a throwaway here because some people I work with know my username. This actually happened about 3 weeks ago but I decided to share it now.
Backstory: I work for an ambulance company and we drive the Chevy van type. We work long hours sometimes and drive long distances.
So, it was at the end of a really long stretch of working, about 30 hours, and we were finally clear to go back to the station and go home. I was driving and my partner was in the passenger seat. We were both extremely tired at this point. I remember responding over the radio "Unit number copy, thank you". Next thing I know, I'm looking at a snow bank in front of me. My partner woke up and mumbled "Shit..." I got out and looked. Fortunately, there was no damage whatsoever. I was now wide awake and shaking so I drove the rest of the way back, about 15 miles. Here's the kicker, we have installed in all of our trucks a camera that records the cab and in front of the car whenever an excessive amount of force is recorded. It records 10 seconds before and after the impact. I know the camera went off because a flashing light will come on whenever it does.
So far, I have not been called into the office for anything camera related, but I was nervous for about a week. My partner is cool and I know won't tell anyone. I wonder if they are saving it for when they need a reason to fire me. Thanks for reading the wall of text.
TL;DR: I crashed a company vehicle into a snowbank that was recorded, shitting bricks whenever I go to work.
AttackTribble: After a while, the potency of the tape will be much diluted. You can ask why they didn't have a problem with it when it happened, but they do now x months later. Also, why did they make you work for a 30 hour shift, surely that's a contributing factor? You might want to look into your local health and safety regs, it may even be illegal to require a shift like that, especially in a driving job.
vertstang86: None of your points are valid in my area at least... EMS is a public service, and as such you can be held over for up to 48 continuous hours... Most of these recording units are digital.
OP, you should have reported this immediately as an incident, even if there was no damage.
AttackTribble: Regardless of the legality, I'd say that making an EMT do a 48 hour shift is dangerous to the people (s)he's treating. I'm way lower down on the medical skills ladder, but I know I wouldn't want to be making any kind of life or death decisions at the end of a 48 hour shift. And I'm an insomniac, used to not getting much sleep.
vertstang86: eh, its not that bad actually... you learn to sleep in your off time... Most people in EMS can handle it extremely well... and this is still rareish... if they do it in my dept, you go to a station with a lower call volume...
AttackTribble: I can see how that'd help. Still not exactly ideal though, right?
vertstang86: Until departments and companies start hiring more medics and paying them more there isn't much else to do to fix the situation.
AttackTribble: Very, very true. It's sad that some of the most important jobs in a society pay so little. From your comment I'm assuming you're in that line of work. If so, thanks.
I'm just a first aider with an enormous first aid kit in his car. I help where I can.
vertstang86: Yeah, already an EMT, and i'm in Paramedic school now... Thank you!
Regarding the first aid, I wish more people were prepared for emergencies... so Thank you!
| 9 | 14 |
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