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1396453645 | 1396534457 | t3_220r6g | t5_2to41 | 741 | bkielbaszewski: TIFU by playing with one-handed priest's rubber hand and robbing a nun.
It happend about two years ago, but I think this is the place for this story. Me and my friends were drinking at polish "Przystanek Woodstock" music festival. The festival has special sections for different organizations (like catholic church or Hare - Krishna), and because of the heavy rain we were sitting under the big tent in the catholic church area named "Przystanek Jezus". I need to add, that at this point I was pretty drunk. We were talking and drinking, and suddenly I found rubber hand on the ground. I grabbed the hand and started to play with it, while making stupid drunk sounds. At some point I looked at one of the priests near our group, and I started waving the rubber hand in front of him (still with idiotic drunk noises). Only few minutes later I realised that it was his rubber hand, because he had only one arm. The memory is pretty foggy, but I still feel like a total retard because of it. I also "unintentionally" took the matress I was sitting on to our camp, and this matress belonged to one of the nuns. When I sobered up the matress was too dirty and torn apart, so I didn't return it. Sorry for my english, it's not my first language.
tl;dr
I got drunk at summer music festival, waved rubber hand to his one-handed priest owner and kind of robbed a nun of a matress.
Kolkhoz: All I needed was "drinking at polish music festival" to believe the title.
BeerPowered: I was at the same festival this year. Within 5 minutes since my arrival, I was already drunk on some homemade wine and got offered amphetamine. Fun.
statut0ry-ape: You took it right? I mean, nobody in their right mind turns down free meth
BeerPowered: Even though the hoodie I wear at the moment says "Smoke meth, beat whores, hail Satan" I took more wine over the meth. I didn't feel like turning down more of that amazing wine for meth.
statut0ry-ape: I prefer "chug whiskey, eat pussy, hail satan"
To each his own
BeerPowered: This sounds even better, but I didn't find one like this, so I bought the most awesome one that was available.
statut0ry-ape: [here](http://www.rockabilia.com/i-declare-war-hail-satan-t-shirt.html). It's a band shirt though, not sure what kind of music you're into, but metal definitely wins for offensive shirts.
BeerPowered: Amazing! I think I'm going to buy one or five.
Btw, I'm a gravedigger and I wear the same hoodie to work every time. I live in a not English speaking country, so people rarely notice, but if they do so in funeral - it's clearly visible. In the last funeral we did there were a lot of people, and I've noticed them pointing at me "stealthily" and saying something to each other with shocked faces. The creepiest possible grin was visible through my long hair while I was holding a shovel and waited for people to say their last words. That was glorious.
Oh, I think that did say something about my taste in music, right?
statut0ry-ape: Hows that fucking job? Better question, how does something like that pay? I'm always down for brutal manual labor that pays decent.
I felt like it was safe to assume, but you never know. You could be into some weird techno-polka or something. lol
BeerPowered: Techno-polka hehe. I do like drunken folk-metal though, if that's considered weird.
About the pay... Well everything's much cheaper in my country, so naturally the pays are much lower too. It's a part-time job, since our funeral company is small and resides in a small town. All of the people in there have something else to do, and works in there for additional income. Other gravediggers are farmers, the guy who drives a hearse also digs holes with us, carries coffins, takes bodies from the scene of death. I do all of that too, except for driving, but you know, it's a small business, so sometimes you go days and even weeks without any work. So I'll put it this way - for one dug grave we get the amount of money people with average salary get in a day, and people working for a minimum wage earns the same in two full days. It takes about two hours to dig a hole, so getting the whole days pay for it is pretty darn nice.
I'm too lazy to do manual labor for the rest of my life, so digging graves is for some spare money and the cool factor. I want to set up some kind of business and shit. Plan B is to be a [farmer](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jag7oTemldY) as I've already got the farming permit (or whatever it's called, I've passed farmer's exam) and access to some land. The European Union offers great support for farmers, so it's a pretty good way to go. Plan C is to be a truck driver, as I have a required education for that too. I've got it set up pretty well already, so I guess I'm just going to apply for youtube partnership and upload drunken shenanigans now.
statut0ry-ape: I'm not sure it is possible to not like drunken folk-metal, viking metal, leprechaun metal and pirate metal.
TIL I can dig a grave in 2 hours and earn a days pay.
I used to be an electrician, so I totally know where you are coming from with the manual labor thing. After a few years of that I had to get away.
BeerPowered: In my area we have the so called "folk and alternative music" festivals. In reality this means pagan metal and craft beer. Fun fun fun!
statut0ry-ape: I need to move to Europe....[The metal scene in America is a joke.](http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-27TrWC_1KqQ/Tc4S7QdmBSI/AAAAAAAAAbo/2Fyi4KpPihA/s1600/204575_154703261261343_100001650116977_360430_2228359_o.jpg)
BeerPowered: That is true, we do have dragons over here.
| 15 | 49.4 | |
1396471612 | 1396489969 | t3_221lv7 | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by not disposing of my rubbish
So I recently took delivery of several items which one would deem NSFW; think along the lines of the leading brand in male masturbators (you get the idea). So anyways, they were delivered in discreet packaging. Fantastic. Great. I take the packaging and recycle all relevant materials, cardboard and paper in the recycling and plastics in with the normal rubbish. No big deal. Or so I thought.
My older sister (who has moved out) sends me a whatsapp letting me know that my mum had told her she found the receipt for said items in the recycling.
Meaning that not only does my mum know about what I bought, but my sister also and most likely my dad too. I know it sounds like I'm some sort of child, but my folks are relatively conservative Irish parents so this is far too liberal for their liking. I still have yet to face them.
**TL;DR**: My family are gonna think I'm some sort of degenerate. Fuck
Scarlette_mote: I feel your pain. From someone whose family found out a little too much about my sex life, you have my sympathies.
But your mom went through the garbage. She totally asked for it. I'd take the unashamed approach. ^(and tell her she's lucky she didn't find used condoms)
Tote_Sport: She'd flip her shit (so would my dad) if she found out I was having sex in the house.
Yes, I've done it before (in the house), but she doesn't know. Generally when I've hooked up with someone, it's been in my house in Uni and the only time she was suspicious when there was a combination of long, blonde hairs and make-up/fake tan all over the bed clothes which I had brought home to get washed.
If she doesn't know I'm sexually active by now, she never will. It's just strange knowing that she knows what I get up to, you know?
Scarlette_mote: I get what you're saying about flippin, but man she found the receipt in the recycling. Sound pretty much like she was hunting for dirt. I mean it sucks to be her ^(not as much as it kinda sucks to be you, I know) but she was kind of asking for it. If she snoops its not your fault she finds something out she was better off not knowing, especially if you're a grown adult.
The only solution is a grimace and an "I'm sorry momma," But yeah, this is a definitely a sucky fuck-up in not thoroughly covering your tracks.... sorry for your luck little buddy. :( Have an upvote for your pain!
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1396469612 | 1396568741 | t3_221idu | t5_2to41 | 131 | Jomajorsh: TIFU by buying liquid candy
This happened while I was still with my ex, and to avoid trouble, I didn't post it, but now I can. And for those who don't know what liquid candy is, it's [this](http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/img-thing?.out=jpg&size=l&tid=33751419).
So my ex and I went to the mall for some reason or another, I think we saw a movie, and while at the mall, we went into the candy store. After browsing for a minute, we found the liquid candy, which neither of us have had since we were little, so we got some. The rest of the mall visit was uneventful, so fast forward a few hours to the car ride home. As I was driving, teenage hormones kicked in, so we pulled into a secluded area for generic sexy times. Now, if you looked at the picture of the candy, you'll notice that the tube is pretty cylindrical, and phallic in a way, by which I mean, that thing totally looks like a dick. I don't know why I went along with it, but she wanted me to use the candy tube as a sex toy on her. Things went pretty well for her, sexy times end and I remove the tube only to find that it's covered in sticky red goo. It was cherry candy, so it appeared that I accidentally filled her with candy, but nope, it was blood. The cap of the tube had enough space between it and the tube itself, so that it would scrape her insides constantly. What was supposed to be fun times ended with her bleeding pretty badly, and immediately removed any possibility of sex for the next month or so.
TL;DR: Candy Abortion
giraffebacon: How did she not feel it?
Jomajorsh: No idea, there was a lot of blood. I'm glad the seats in my car were red, because if not, there'd be a huge, noticeable bloodstain.
FullTerm: Your seats must be disgustingly red.
Jomajorsh: The entire interior is near maroon. For some reason the car manufacturers thought "You know what'd go great in a white car? Ugly red all over."
Mynameisntchewy: [I picture this bad boy](http://images.gtcarlot.com/pictures/25154834.jpg)
Jomajorsh: I wish I could say it didn't look almost exactly like that.
Mynameisntchewy: Hey, at least you got some action in it. That's a feat itself.
Jomajorsh: Good point. Getting some action in general is a feat, and I managed to get some in that thing. Score 1 for me.
Mynameisntchewy: you still willy wonked her.
| 10 | 13.1 | |
1396473096 | 1396479890 | t3_221ohg | t5_2to41 | 21 | LadyGrizabella: TIFU by having a fight with a garbage bag full of chili and chicken Alfredo
I work in a kitchen as a prep person and server. One of the items on yesterday's menu was chicken Alfredo which didn't get all used up and I ended up tossing it out today. On today's menu were chili dogs and (per boss's orders) I ended up tossing out the left overs of that too. Both the chicken Alfredo and the chili went into the same garbage bag.
Towards the end of my shift, I was told to grab the cart with all the garbage on it and take it to the dumpster. Once I get to the dumpster I start flinging the garbage bags into it one by one. I get down to that last bag which is really heavy from the chicken Alfredo and the chili I'd dumped into it earlier in the day. As I lifted it up off the cart and prepared to drop it into the dumpster, the bottom of the bag split. Chicken bits, Alfredo sauce, chili, random wet pieces of paper and some glazed carrots that I'd thrown out went all over my pants and all over the ground. I tried to scoop up what I could with my hands, throwing it into the dumpster. After a few minutes, my boss came out to see what the hell was going on. I just looked at her. "I need help." was all I could say because it was such a huge mess.
She trotted back inside and brought me a broom and a dustpan and another garbage bag so I could clean up the mess. Then she went back and grabbed at bucket of water to throw over my shoes since she didn't want me tracking that shit back inside.
I did eventually get it cleaned up and she sent me home after that since she didn't want me making a mess of her kitchen. I know she wasn't mad because that kind of thing happens. But I'm afraid the janitorial staff is going to be *pissed* at me...even though the dumpster is outside.
Cougs67: Why would the custodial staff be pissed? This is what they're getting paid to do. It's not like you did this on purpose
LadyGrizabella: I don't know but I don't want to piss them off. I try very hard not to piss anybody off if I can help it.
| 3 | 7 | |
1396484088 | 1396534494 | t3_2226g1 | t5_2to41 | 2,641 | [deleted]: TIFU by ordering a fleshlight
About sometime last week, I decided to order myself a inanimate object to fuck because lonely as fuck and was celebrating turning 18. I couldn't order one with my card because my dad gives me gas money by putting it on my debit card all while checking my purchases history. So I went and bought one of those $25 gift cards and bought the cheapest thing I could find on amazon: the Sasha Grey mouth. Upon ordering, I realized "how the fuck am I going to get this in my house without my parents noticing?". I started shitting myself. For the next few days, I rushed home after school and tried to see if I got to the package before my parents did.
The day came. I woke up extra early on saturday and rushed to the mailbox but tripped over something on the doorstep. The package. I grabbed that shit and went inside.
BUT
My mom was already up and watching tv in the living room.
"What did came in the mail for you?"
"Uhhhh...a controller for my friend. He said he'd pay me back."
"Oh, ok"
Son of a bitch...I pulled this off! I ran to my room, ripped through that package and [insert what you think happened].
Fast forward to today. I come home from school and see that no one else is home.
"Time for some fuck"
I pull out the mouth of the gods and get ready to ride the corn starch pony. I use my xbox with internet explorer on my living room tv for maximum viewing pleasure. Not even 3 minutes into Carmen Hayes giving a sloppy hummer, the door handle starts rattling.
"Jesus shit, this isn't happening."
The door opens and guess who's there? My mom.
"Hey SheZowRaisedByWolves, how was you- WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?"
Cover up my shame mode activates. I turn off the tv, grab my pants and cover my genitals and throw the fleshlight into the kitchen. I didn't realize that she had already left the house. Probably in shock and horror.
I fell to the ground and started crying like a bitch. A bitch that got caught fucking corn starch on the couch while Hitomi took it to the face.
As I type this, I am being called down to eat dinner...I'm never called down to dinner.
UPDATE: Dad was pissed. He did that thing where it's complete dinner table silenced then he drops his fork and just says what everyone is thinking. Mom is still in tears, dad won't look me in the eyes, surprisingly not in trouble, and smashing my face through my window and leaving has never looked more like a good idea than it does now.
UPDATE PART 2: Still blue ballin' pretty hard.
UPDATE PART 3: My dad has to drive me to school in the morning (down to one car at the moment) and he broke the silence. He isn't mad that I was whacking it on the couch, he's mad that I was bare-sweaty-assed on our kinda new (got it a few weeks ago) leather couch without sitting on a towel or something. My mom was freaked out because she thinks it's weird to fornicate a rubbery mouth of a deepthroat pornstar.
[deleted]: why in the living room though ?
goodnight-everybody: > for maximum viewing pleasure
SheZowRaisedByWolves: The only big tv in the house is in the living room.
beyondb: get a 30something inch tv and use it as a computer screen. feels good once your eyes get used to being melted
ninosmr: you could always just get a normal monitor, they're pretty cheap nowadays, especially if you look for sales
clone12TM: Can confirm. 24" LED Matte screen is only $150. Just bought mine this past summer. I love it.
cowbeef01: 23" IPS monitor for around 160 euros. beautiful.
DerpyTheGrey: There are also those sketchy Korean monitors you can get on ebay for about $300 that can do 2560x1440; my roommate has three of them.
cowbeef01: I don't get why they're specifically korean. people always say korean.. are they just only made in korea?
lettherebedwight: Because the company(ies) he's talking about is(are) Korean.
cowbeef01: Are the korean ones just insanely cheaper than the non-korean ones?
lettherebedwight: Insanely? No, but noticeably.
cowbeef01: Gotchya. Thanks for the info.
| 14 | 188.642857 | |
1396485057 | 1396575870 | t3_2227ze | t5_2to41 | 14 | the-R-word: tifu and used the "R-Word"
A guy I knew from High School (I'm in my early 30's to give some context) was doing some work at my house. He offered to let me borrow a piece of equipment to finish the job so I went to his house to pick it up.
We were reminiscing about some kids we played sports with and I referred to one of the guys at "retarded", the guy I was talking to has a young child with a mental handicap. As soon as I said it, I stopped and profusely apologized. He seemed un-phased but I felt like shit.
It was not malicious at all but a slip of the tongue. To try to learn more about it, I started doing some searching and found these two sites who are trying to shed some light on this issue.
http://www.r-word.org/
http://therword.org/
oc148: I think people give this word to much thought. I can't speak personally but I have a friend who's brother is handicapped and she says the hates it how people make a big deal about the word retard. She used it all the time. If you don't give it power then it can't hurt. That's my 2 cents.
i_pk_pjers_i: Yeah, words are meaningless without context. What's worse, saying I fucking despite African Americans or saying whats up my nigga to a close friend?
ssjkriccolo: nothing at all, op was just being a faggot.
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1396492617 | 1396517013 | t3_222jqa | t5_2to41 | 23 | Ian1732: TIFU by forgetting my best friend's birthday.
So I had an entire thing planned, where I'd give her this card that I made. It's a "sorry for your loss" card from Hallmark, but I scratched out all the mourning themed words and replaced with birthday themed words. I thought it was pretty funny. So I've been planning to do it on Thursday, since that's her birthday and also when we have class together.
Then it turned out her birthday was today, not tomorrow.
And to add insult to injury, I even saw the notification on Facebook. And for whatever reason, I didn't believe it, and thought she'd set her birthday to be a day early. WHY DID I THINK THAT. So I bugged her a bit through text with some stuff about "hogging all the birthdays".
Now I feel like the hugest of jerks.
TheBoyFromIpanema: Sure, you feel that way. I'd feel that way, too. Imagine that your roles were reversed, though. So, your best friend has been thinking about your birthday, presumably, for awhile, and has made plans because she cares about you, but... brain fart, for whatever reason, was a day off. That's a completely understandable fuck-up.
If you'd forgotten her birthday, altogether, that'd be a different story, but you HAD thought about it and you HAD made a card, ahead of time, so, you say to her, "Sorry about that. For some reason, I just got it into my head that your birthday was tomorrow, not today. My brain's starting to go, I guess. Anyway, I've got something for you.". Any reasonable person (especially a close friend) isn't going to give two-shits that you were off by a day. She's going to think that her best friend was thinking of her and wanted to celebrate her birthday, with her... oh, yeah, and she forgot the exact date. It's an after-thought, at the most.
Cancani: Thank you for this advice, sir
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1396486973 | 1396555901 | t3_222aw4 | t5_2to41 | 107 | younggun907: TIFU by answering my door with morning wood.
I had just awakened. Soon after, I heard a knock at the door.
Being groggy I didn't think anything of looking at myself before going to the door.
The neighborhood police officer's wife was the victim of my full erection.
I opened the door and her eyes were looking at my waist for some reason. She handed me fresh vegetables continuously looking at my waist. After a short chat I returned inside and put the vegetables in my refrigerator when I noticed my morning wood.
Needless to say, she didn't hesitate or blush during this conversation.
Oopsies.
Marmalain: You're both adults here let's just get on with it.
The real question is where do you live that someone will just come and give you free fresh fruit and veg?
younggun907: I'm not worried about it.
Upper middle-class suburb in America.
She was one of my neighbors. We know each other around here.
And to clarify, I am early twenties and she is 45+ year old milf.
(EDIT: GILF, just found out she's a grandma)
PassivePandas: Definitely should have invited her in
melez: Risky, especially considering her husband is 100% guaranteed to have a gun.
| 5 | 21.4 | |
1396494388 | 1396592487 | t3_222mb8 | t5_2to41 | 29 | fnasbin: TIFU My sibling saw me pants down shit out
I'm browsing the inter webs when the sudden urge to use the pooper arises, so I hop onto the porcelain throne and start browsing reddit on my the toilet. I finish reading a post and decide my reign is over and it's time to wipe. No. Toilet. Paper. I think, it's OK, I've trained for this. But no. The backup in the cupboard is not there and the other cupboards are empty. I'm not even wearing socks, that rules out all options. I know all the other toilet paper is stored at the end of the hall in a storage closet beside a room. The room my sister was sleeping in. My parents were out of the house so she was the only risk. It took some deep thinking to conclude I should try. I slowly opened the door and waddled along the hall, slowly to make sure of no squeaks from the floor. It was going well until halfway of my five meter journey when I realized I hadn't gotten rid of the troublemaker in my stomach. I almost pooped on the floor when I was rushing back to the sanctuary of toilet, when my sister woke up and saw me fall on my face with shit coming out. So yeah.
I didn't get any on the floor and did end up getting the toilet paper from my sister who was laughing her ass off. I'm not sure if this adds to the long line of shit my pants stories but regardless it was quite an experience.
sgt_roflman: RESET THE COUNTER! !
Deadpangod3: ...wut?
sgt_roflman: the infamous "time since tifu last shat itself" counter of course
| 4 | 7.25 | |
1396499867 | 1396503130 | t3_222tnt | t5_2to41 | 39 | asdfqwertyqwerty: TIFU by calling the cops on my friend
I'll keep this succinct.
I've known this individual for a while and am aware that they have a history of depression and self-harm. I've been receiving strange text messages from them off and on that indicate to me they are having ups and downs in their mood relatively frequently, and alcohol/being drunk seem to be a factor in this as well.
Fast forward to last night, I check my phone to see several text messages including 'Please call me', 'I hurt myself', etc. I called them to find out what was wrong. Apparently they received their taxes back or something and found out they owe some money or something. I reassured them that it was not that big of a deal and that a solution can be found and that the cutting yourself thing is not necessary. The conversation ended amiably and I was not too concerned. Later on in the night I received more text messages that included things like 'what do you do when your meds don't work', 'it would be better if I were dead', 'things would be easier', and things to that effect. I was pretty concerned at this point and texted them back asking if they were okay and telling them to go to sleep as it was late. I fell asleep for a bit and awoke to another text message that just said 'Bye'.
I am naturally a pretty cautious person so I was pretty concerned at this point. I tried to contact them but was not getting an answer. I decided to phone their local police and made them aware and asked them to go check it out.
Fortunately it was a false alarm. Was this an overreaction on my part? At least the way it seems to me is that I would rather risk a false alarm thing over the real deal.
Naomlette: No, I don't think it was an over reaction. They were acting suicidal, you got a cryptic text message, and weren't getting a response back. It being a false alarm is much better than you not doing anything and finding out in the morning that your friend had hurt or killed themselves. Plus, having the cops called may wake them up to the fact that they need to get professional help. You were a good friend and did the right thing.
aitigie: Definitely this. Your friend needs help, and it sounds like they keep reaching out to you when they need to talk to a professional. It's not fair to either of you to carry on like this.
| 3 | 13 | |
1396522475 | 1396583472 | t3_223dgc | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by clogging the toilet.
Last night was a boozy one. Many bevs were had to celebrate the return of my friends from Uni. In a rush this morning so I didn't have time to curl out my usual post-drinking booze shit.
After clenching my cheeks throughout a 20 minute bus journey and a 6 flight stair climb to my office, I was finally able to sign in and slope off to the toilet.
I'm one of two males in my company (he's away at a conference today), the rest being chatty, baby obsessed women. I'm also the only guy on my floor.
So i'm sitting on my throne in what is pretty much my own private male bathroom and i'm unleashing a literal shit storm, it's a mess.
After ten minutes of straining i'm ready to clean up. Unable to call in the hazmat team I bundle up some bog role and get wiping.
I'm as clean as a whistle and happy that my bowels are empty, all that is left is the flushing.
Yes, I know it's good practice to flush throughout the process when it's a biggun but i'm tired, hungover and just happy that I didn't shit myself on the bus.
It looked like it was going down but the water began to rise.
Now i'm facing a dilemma. I'm currently in the bathroom still, torn between either unclogging that bastard with my bare hands or having to go into my populated, open plan office and call the reception to make them aware of the situation. I'm literally the only person who uses this toilet, there is no way I can just walk out and have it all blow over. Fucking cctv too.
Either way, i'm fucked.
**TL;DR - Clogged the office toilet and may have to break up the unholy poo baby with my own bare hands.**
SpirallingOut: Shit happens.. heh... *cough*
Do they not have a bog brush in there or something?? I think it should be compulsory for all public/workplace toilets to have a poo breaker tool. Gap in the market there.
VegetariDan: Yeah but it's tiny, compact and useless.
JayZStillsNashnYoung: Run to a store and sneak in a plunger. Or find a big ass bucket, full with water and try to dump it all in quickly. Fixes lots of basic clogs.
VegetariDan: I managed to Macguyver my way out. Used a water bottle to remove some of the excess water and then just poked around at the mess with a ruler until something gave way.
As glad as I was for it to be over, I threw up a hell of a lot after.
Pragmatism101: Yeesh your orifices must be cursing you out... Go easy on the drink there next time. Feel better soon. And drink lots of water.
| 6 | 2.333333 | |
1396532279 | 1396559382 | t3_223ni6 | t5_2to41 | 106 | damagedproperty: TIFU by trying to clean.
Throwaway, because I don't want this linked to me.
I work at a pool. I have for years. Lately, we've had a bunch of algae growing all over the deck (the concrete area surrounding the pool). I wanted to get rid of it, haven't done that before, and scrubbing didn't seem to work too well. So yesterday I asked one of my supervisors how I might do that. He suggested that I dilute chlorine in water, pour it on the spots, and let it sit overnight. I did the first two things. Then, when I had finished, and the bucket was being used for something else, I noticed a few more spots that I missed. So I figured I'd just pour a little bit of chlorine straight from the bottle, figuring that would be fine, that he just didn't want me to use too much. I just woke up in a panic, remembering a leak in the chlorine room we had a while back that eroded some of the concrete. Now I'm dreading coming into work today, because I might've done some permanent damage to the pool deck.
TL;DR I might have accidentally done permanent, expensive damage to the deck at the pool where I work.
UPDATE: Sorry. I've been a little too busy to update. Anyway: THANK FUCKING GOD that a few drops of chlorine are not as bad as a tank full of chlorine leaking. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. There was some bleaching; but it was such that it blended in with other similar looking spots on the deck. You'd need to know what you're looking for to really notice it. Nobody's said anything yet. And I'm keeping my stupid mouth shut. Anyway, all's well that ends well. Sorry this didn't turn out to be a better story; but I'm not complaining. :/
Peace!
Time2Nuke: Either hope your boss understands, or blame it on your equipment.
damagedproperty: I'm really hoping for the former. Problem is, all of those spots are on one of the main parts of the deck, one right in front of the locker room doors. Not very inconspicuous.
DervishDavid: Best of luck to you!
| 4 | 26.5 | |
1396484546 | 1396554426 | t3_22276o | t5_2to41 | 13 | No_Fruit_Juice: TIFU by calling a girl by her roommate's name.
I had been flirting with one girl (we will call her M1) for awhile now and it got to the point where she wanted to go out and date but I said I did not want to date at the time, fine she continues to flirt and I admit I lead her on to a certain point.
In comes the roommate (she is M2) , and we hit it off great! Well all of a sudden I know that I cannot date the first girl and I decide to be a good guy and tell the first girl that before doing anything with M2, well M1 and I are talking and I am telling her again and again that we cannot date and I am sorry, when I accidentally called her M2's name and shit went to flames from there, with accusations of sleeping with her and ruining her college experience and etc.
I pretty much tried to be a good guy and not hurt M1 before moving forward with M2 fucked up names, and now have fucked up both possible relationships, ahh fuck me.
That_Deaf_Guy: How did you fuck it up with M2? Also, you avoided crazy M1 so you dodged a bullet.
No_Fruit_Juice: I saved it with M2 I guess I should update that, but she is still mad at me a for making her relationship with M1 harder.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1396540932 | 1396575997 | t3_22414z | t5_2to41 | 1,047 | thedeepdarksecrets: TIFU by having my dick maimed by a back massager
This is my first post to reddit so I hope you will all forgive me if the events I’m about to recall did not technically occur today. That being said; let us begin.
Growing up my family had a handheld back massager, basically a handle with two vibrating bumps at the end. At the ripe young age of 16, having plenty of years of masturbation under my belt I decided it may be time to mix things up a bit. With the first touch of those two vibrating orbs of the gods to my penis I was hooked!!!
I got home from school one day to find no one home, my mom and step-dad both work later so I knew I had some time to myself and god was I horny. I immediately grabbed my newfound best friend, walked down the hall straight to my room and got to work. Now the only trouble with this massager is it was LOUD – but what did I have to lose? I was alone and life was good. Laying on my bed I turned it on and placed my dick between the two nobs of vibrating pleasure. Slowly turning up the intensity of the vibrations the buzzing grew louder and louder but I grew closer and closer to unleashing a torrential storm I had been holding back for DAYS! My toes curled and eyes started to close as I turned the intensity up to max and the BUZZZ was all I could hear when --- FUCK! --- The doorknob to my room began turning and my door swung open! There my step dad stood with a look of horror as he saw me, completely naked laying on top of my bed molesting a back massager that I had no doubt seen him using only a week before. Yelling a mixture of fuck, shit and a slew of high pitched yelps I immediately shot up from my bed only to have my once loved pleasure toy turn into a fucking devilish vampire hungry for penis blood! As I shot up it pinched the skin from my dick and bit in deep! The force of me getting up caused my skin to rip leaving my dick maimed with a small mangled flap of dick skin covering my now bleeding wound. Horrified and in pain I quickly lay back down on my bed as I hear the door close but the pain did not stop there. This devilish machine was trying to kill me! The pulsating knob at the end of this evil contraption, landing directly on my balls and began annihilating my manhood. Like a fucking jackhammer this death trap drove into my most tender of regions. Yelling in pain I grabbed the treacherous monster and threw it across the room.
I laid there… dick bleeding, pain rushing throughout my entire body and feeling like the most fucking worthless being in the world. I did the only self-respecting thing I could think of – hobbled shamefully to my closet, closed the door and sat there in darkness and silence; cupping my throbbing balls and holding my bleeding shaft for hours – hoping never to see the light of day again.
darthjammer224: Those things always leave me itchy as shit after I get my back massaged, imagine walking around the house having to stop and scratch every 5 minutes, that would suck
jbaggins: You must have a big fucking house.
darthjammer224: Yes. My house is above average size. But that has nothing to do with what I was saying.
jbaggins: Well.. you said walking around your house stopping to scratch every 5 minutes, implying that you walk around your house for more than 5 minutes at a time. Just sayin'.
darthjammer224: Depending on what you do along the way it can take a while
Penguinmafia14: Im not sure if you're purposely doing this
darthjammer224: Doing what?
Penguinmafia14: Purposely not getting the joke.
darthjammer224: No I get the joke its just not funny
AbusiveProstate: I bet you're a hoot at parties
| 11 | 95.181818 | |
1396545284 | 1396797336 | t3_2248nh | t5_2to41 | 290 | Imadoctah: TIFU by playing strip poker in the patio section of a grocery store at 3am
So in all actuality this happened a few years back, but I wanted to share.
It was a summer night, still in high school at the time, no job, no reason not to spend the we hours of the morning being a moron. There were 9 of us, and we had decided we wanted to play poker but couldn't find any cards so we ran up to Meijer (equivalent to walmart for those of you unfamiliar). Once we found some someone suggested that we just post up in the patio section as they had some nice chairs/tables and it was still inside the store so we could see and everything, and so we did.
Somewhere along the line the idea came up to play strip poker as not everyone had gambling money. We were a pretty impulsive group so it didn't take much convincing before we're getting naked. It was 4 women and 5 men, ratio could have been better but I wasn't complaining. But of course no one wanted to go full Monty on all the Meier security cameras, so after a while once a player was down to their skivvies, of they lost another hand the group would all wander into the clothing dept and each select one new article for the looser to put on.
It goes on like this for a few hours, the women wearing bow ties and swimsuits or whatever scantily clad items we could come up with, and most of the men in dresses. There were even pictures taken.... A lot of them.... Then one girl goes around the corner to change into her new outfit and gets spotted by an employee who says simply "hey you can't do that, I'm getting the manager"
She returns to the table and immediately tells us what has occurred, and after a slight pause one of the men exclaimed "Cheese it" (a futurama reference we were fond of at the time) and we all stripped off what we didn't own, picked up what we did, and scattered into the store at a dead sprint, converging at the door kitty corner to the patio section where I had parked and booking it out into the parking lot.
I was the only one driving, and we had somehow managed to fit 9 people into my mothers 2008 ford escape (2 in the front, 4 in the back, 3 in the trunk) and I peeled right the fuck out. We're all in a hysterical mood, hooting and hollering all the way. A few blocks down a cop heading the opposite direction turns their spotlight on the car, and whips a u-turn behind me. I wasn't speeding, but he and I were the only two cars on the road so I knew something was up. Out of instinct I ducked into a neighborhood trying to make a few quick turns to loose him, but they caught us, and by now we had gained another squad car.
The store had called in my vehicle description and plate and reported a theft. They get us all out on the curb and give each of us the full pat down, me and one other guy had pocket knives on us which they got pissy about but they were within the legal carrying limit so it was cool. They begin to search the car and even called in a K-9 unit. I'm a huge pothead and usually carry some product with me at all times, but thank god I knew no one else was in the group that night and made the choice to leave all my equipment at home. After about 20min of ripping the car apart they came to the realization that *we hadn't actually stolen anything*
They finally ask us what the hell was going on, and we happily explain it to them, to which they did a series of facepalms and reluctantly let us leave unscathed. We offered to show them the pictures as proof, they were unamused and declined.
TLDR- late night strip poker in a grocery store leads to suspected robbery and fleeing and evading but was unfounded and we all left scott-free.
WhatDidYouSayToMe: That sounds just about right for a late-night Meijer story. There's one near my summer place of employment that, for a while, wouldn't allow you in if you were wearing a staff shirt from us.
Imadoctah: Haha I'd love to hear the story behind that one lol
WhatDidYouSayToMe: It's a summer camp, and the ban has since been lifted. It was basically before I worked there, and the first year or two when I didn't go out much. A few things I do know:
* Jousting with bikes and fun noodles.
* Turning off automatic doors on the way out (which people still do)
* The game where you put items in peoples cart's without them noticing (I've heard somebody got a kayak in once, not sure if I believe it)
* Unplugging stuff
* Singing camp songs
* 'Helping' the cart movers by using cars to fling them at curbs (or sometimes using cars to actually help them)
* Generally being loud and obnoxious
I'm sure there's tons more that's been done, but I never really took part
Imadoctah: That sounds fantastic lol
AcaciaJules: As one of the people who had to clean that up while I worked there, FUCK YOU. Meijer workers get paid minimum wage, and are constantly pressed to do more and more work outside their job description, due to team eliminations. These are people who are struggling to feed their families. You shouldn't make their jobs harder.
| 6 | 48.333333 | |
1396548646 | 1396682120 | t3_224edl | t5_2to41 | 64 | random_access_cache: TIFU by accidentally constipating myself before a two day trip in the desert
This is the story of how I managed to clog up my stomach.
Yesterday I went on a two-day school field trip. A day before that I went to get a Schniztel (a shcniztel in a baget, not just a schnitzel). Anyways, my mom told me before I went that I probably should not go because I only eat dry food. But I didn't listen and went anyways (mistake #1). I devoured it, hoping it will make me poop before I actually go to sleep so I won't have to poop in the middle of the desert. But it didn't. It's evening, and I'm starting to think I should eat more just to make sure I do-the-do before going to sleep. So I start eating every accessible edible piece of food I can find (mistake #2). I then try to do-the-do again, but to no avail. I also kind of forgot about my struggles of pooping in hostile environments. I am starting to think about plans. I eventually set up an alarm clock for 5:40 AM to take another shot at it, but again to no avail. I leave home with a full stomach. After a long drive we make a stop to eat, and I take out my tuna salad sandwich, and... eat it (mistake #3). It's only then when I actually realize this is going to be bad. We arrive at the desert and my belly starts going a little doozy, obviously I tell my friends about it and they cheer me up as we go through the desert. We eventually, roughly 5 hours later arrive at the restroom, I take another shot, but nothing but dusty farts comes out. A few hours later I take another shot, but again, to no avail. The stomach pain is heavy and the stomach contents are even heavier. Then it's dinner time, and I eat another schnitzel, hoping it would push the previous schnitzels down (mistake #4). I went again to try and do-the-do, but again, nothing else than silent farts comes out. I try hard, and I'm pretty sure that's the part where I also stretched the limits of my anus, in a relatively literate way. That's about when I realize something is wrong. After a quick search on my phone I realized I am probably constipated. I spend the next few hours drinking fluids like a maniac, to make sure I can actually poop soon. After five hours of sleep, we wake up at 6 am. The pain is still there, hard and strong. I have a nice chat with a nearby medic who advices me to rest, and stay behind when they take the next course. I eventually stayed, spent a nice few hours with a good friend who also couldn't go because she sprained her foot. After about roughly ~11 hours I finally get home, take the most massive shit on earth, and walk out of the bathroom a new man.
tl;dr shit happens.
_ryu_: >and walk out of the bathroom a new man.
that feeling man!
Cancani: The best feeling ever!
AccidentalRebel72: An incredible feeling! ... But it comes at a price. By taking a shit so massive and pushing your gastro-intestinal tract to its absolute limits, you also leave the restroom with the need to call a priest to cleanse the area
Cancani: The Details are too good
| 5 | 12.8 | |
1396554531 | 1406658936 | t3_224ol6 | t5_2to41 | 481 | DeadlyBreakdown: TIFU by participating in a phone interview while shitting.
I'm not very good at making a story interesting so I'll just tell you all wtf happened. A week ago I got a call for my dream job. This phone call simply set up a phone interview for today at 3pm. I knew this and was waiting, making sure i had all my content, resume, and everything else in front of me ready to go. I had Taco Bell for lunch at around 1:30. So anyways it's 3:08 and I can't hold my shit anymore until after the interview. I take my phone with me to the toilet, start to shit, then the phone rings. Now this is for a job opportunity in my field of study which is IT; it's a big deal to me. I didn't want to miss my chance so as you can guess, I answer. The lady is asking me normal interview questions when I feel the rumble-of-death. I figured, no problem i'll just mute it. So I muted briefly then she asked another question (she spend about a minute asking questions explaining a scenario etc.) which i figured would take a second. NOPE. In the middle of a huge push.. there's just silence on my end. It drops off then i get about 2 words into my answer and she says "Would it be better if you called me back?". I simply asked if I could do so and tried to say I have terrible service where I was at and would call back in 5 minutes. I know damn well she knew I was on the shitter. I really hope I didn't lose out on this job because of it.
TLDR; don't eat taco bell an hour before a phone interview of your dream job.
Update 1: I have a second interview in a week and a half.
DeadlyBreakdown: Well i'm glad you're all fascinated by my misfortunes. lol, I called back and she setup a face to face. The company is VERY large. It's in the GM building in Detroit, so all of her questions and answers were very robotic.. Pretty sure she's not allowed to comment on my shitty phone etiquette (ba dum ching).
giveintofate: You should update.
DeadlyBreakdown: I have a second interview in a week and a half.
FizzPig: you know what you have to do
DeadlyBreakdown: shit prior to interview. avoid taco bell. act natural.
GoldenDickLocks: Did you get it, bro?
| 7 | 68.714286 | |
1396557706 | 1396583980 | t3_224u99 | t5_2to41 | 44 | corpsefire: TIFU by putting the wrong number on my job applications, every single one.
**tl;dr** needed a job or I'd need to move out, filled out applications at every place currently hiring, got the last digit wrong on phone number for every application, potentially retarded and/or homeless.
---
Today I managed a fairly colossal fuck up for myself.
I've been living at my brother's place for about 6 months now, paying for W/S/G/E while my brother and our friend pay rent, without any problems, landlord knew about me living here at the time and we had the comfortable bonus of both my brother and our third roommate working for the landlord's boyfriend/fiance. Unfortunately, last week our landlord decided that I absolutely need to be on the rental agreement, and to do that I needed to find a job by the end of this month or I'm out on the street.
^(FastForward >> Today)
---
I went on a walk, since I have no transportation, for roughly five hours filling out applications and handing in my resume at every place I could see, signing up for hiring agencies and even going in to Motels. Overall, I filled out maybe 20 applications, in front of the managers, and handed them in thinking I was hot shit for filling them out right there.
That was, until I got home and realized that I had got **the last digit** on my number wrong, where it should have been an 8 instead of a 5.
I don't even know how to express how low / defeated this makes me feel, Protip: If you don't have your own phone, and your friend lets you use his, get it fucking right when you're filling out applications.
Bonus: I had one place that seemed pretty interested and they said they'd give me a call back later today possibly. I just found out that my roommate, whose phone number I was using, is 200 miles away for the day. Double TIFU /me yay
soik90: Why isn't your email address on your resume?
corpsefire: It is, but I have never had an employer contact me through email.
ssjkriccolo: Probably never had them contact you by phone either.
.
.
.
.
.
I'm sorry for your loss.
corpsefire: Ouch^^^^FYI ^^^^I ^^^^have
| 5 | 8.8 | |
1396570845 | 1396658392 | t3_225fet | t5_2to41 | 75 | colincush: TIFU by eating food from a third world street vendor
I was drunk as fuck and this guy was selling hot dogs from a street cart. In my stupor they looked like a gourmet meal. I just had to have one.
A day later, I pooped a worm. Not a dead worm, not a tape worm. A FUCKING LIVE WORM...IN MY SHIT
I'm terrified. I need to see a doctor.
rps215: Holy shit (no pun intended). Try to find the vendor's name, and go to a doctor ASAP
colincush: I chuckled^ Also it was just some dude with a little BBQ cart. I really fucked up. Worst part was my friends totally called me getting a parasite as I was eating it. Alcohol.
mercury996: FYI you would not get tapeworms "a day later". If it was live you've had them infested in your gut for awhile, not from the hot dog a day earlier.
colincush: It was definitely not a tapeworm
mercury996: roundworm, hookworm, whipworm doesn't matter. You are not going to have that show up in one day.
| 6 | 12.5 | |
1396579846 | 1396613201 | t3_225sis | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by being drunk
Champagne room. $1000.
AwkwardTalk: Get a handy at least?
ando710: Yes... so there's that.
AwkwardTalk: I've gotten more for less. Wait until before they close then just hit the girls up. Sorry about your lose, bro. :(
ando710: Im chalking it up to part of the experience... won about that much on the tables. But as they say the house always wins.
| 5 | 0.6 | |
1396590759 | 1396591658 | t3_2265s2 | t5_2to41 | 64 | Shrtbuspdx: TIFU by breaking the wall while shaving my legs.
Let me start this out by saying I'm a small girl. I weigh maybe 135lbs and tower over the smallest of folks at an epic 5'3. That being said...my weight made the wall come crashing down.
I've lived in my house for a bit. Every few weeks I shave my legs in the shower, as do my other female roommates. The wall is tiled with a porcelain soap holder sticking out of the wall. Pretty typical of most bathrooms, nothing special, and certainly not appearing to be poorly constructed. When I shave, I rest my leg gently on the soap holder, careful not to put my whole weight on it. Mostly because I'd probably fall.
Today, I was doing just that and about two minutes into my first leg, without warning, the entire wall came tumbling down. Well, all of the tile anyway. The soap holder promptly landed directly on my toe, causing the nail to bust through the cuticle and also fracturing the tip. There I was...naked, wet, one leg half shaved, tile all around me, bleeding profusely from my toe. I could do nothing but cry, defeated.
Fuck shaving.
KhetdaNight: That sounds really painful. :( Hope your recovery is going well. The most pain I've felt is perhaps the time I kicked a corner of a door by accident with my small toe. Can only imagine the pain of busting a nail like that...
Shrtbuspdx: Definitely not pleasant. It's pretty gnarly. I'll take a fucked up toe over no toe any day though haha!
| 3 | 21.333333 | |
1396598790 | 1396649483 | t3_226cmk | t5_2to41 | 66 | [deleted]: Tifu by getting high and pooping.
So I got baked around seven, had a sandwich at 8, went to take a shit at 12, got up, flushed, put my pants all the way back on. At this point, being as baked as I am, vividly hallucinating at the mirror, I couldn't for the life of me remember if I had shit yet. In my inebriated logic I decided the best course of action would be to try to shit while still wearing my pants, and they would act as a diaper. And act as a diaper they did. Luckily I remembered I was next to a toilet and let's just say I spent a while washing my hands and will be doing a separate load of laundry tomorrow. At 1 I finish writing this. #Westcoast #bestcoast #goodnight
Jellephant: I put this on reddit because I think it's hilarious but I'm so ashamed to tell anyone I actually know
summitt: just don't hashtag things please.
koobaxion: I found it added to the hilarity
| 4 | 16.5 | |
1396618542 | 1396650229 | t3_226tn5 | t5_2to41 | 768 | Jdim10: TIFU by thinking my closet was my bathroom
So last night I'm having a ball of a time doing shot of vodka with my friends and end up going to bed shot faced. I wake up in the middle of the night having to piss like a waterfall. Well my closet is located to the right of my bathroom and in my drunken stupor I jump out of bed wonder into what I think is my bathroom and begin to relieve myself. I wake up at 6 of clock this morning and my wife tells me. "Did you realize you peed all over your shoes last night?" I walk into the closet and sure enough there's pee stains all over the back of my closet.
TIFU by getting drunk and peeing in my closet
[deleted]: Ahhhh I have a similar story to you OP!
This was my freshman year of college. One day, I decided to just get belligerently drunk for no reason. I was sitting on the couch with my room mate and other friend watching Mad Men, but I was the only one downing shots.
Well everyone gets horny when they're drunk, right? So there was this girl who I had flirted with heavily but my other friend was porking her so I never made a move, but my drunken ass decided to hit her up and see if she wanted to get schwasted with me.
I head to her place, she has a bottle of champagne and we down that whole thing and get to the good times. Then for some reason (I was browning out at this point) I leave back to my place, and what do you know: my Korean suite mates had people over drinking. So I joined them in their drinking game, and I didn't understand it at all so I ended up taking lots of shots.
For the rest of the story, I'm blacked out and going by what my room mate told me. One of my suite mates had never smoked weed so I apparently asked my room mate to roll a blunt and smoke us out.
It's like 4am, my room mate is trying to go to bed, and apparently I was acting like a crazy person. He said I fell off my bed twice, and then ran into the closet. He said he woke up to the sound of water hitting the floor, so he looks at the closet and sees "my eyes that gleamed like the devil" but he didn't want to see my dick so he just turned over and went back to sleep.
I woke up at 9am still drunk, and this is when he told me the rest of my night. We went to the closet but we didn't smell pee, and there was a water bottle on the floor so my guess was I just spilt an entire water bottle trying to open it.
Well that's my shitty blackout college story.
[deleted]: Goes to sleep at 4am drunk as hell. Wakes up at 9am. You. I like you.
[deleted]: I'm a morning person, I can't sleep passed 9:30 am even when I go to bed super late.
The funniest part of this story is that after I woke up at 9am, that day I was scheduled to in for an Alcohol Information meeting because my campus is stupid and sanctioned me for being drunk on campus. So I show up to the meeting WASTED and the person totally new because my head was down, I couldn't walk straight, and every word I said was a little bit slurred!
Jdim10: Me too. I had to go to work today. I thought I was gonna get fired because I was still drunk/tired when I got there. I'm just starting to feel normal now.
yellowcheese: Its 13:30 in the afternoon and I am just starting to feel normal. I should note I went to bed at 22:30 yesterday... But I have just been hiding out at my desk. No one knows!
0xff8888somniac: The only people who know are the ones that have been there.
yellowcheese: Good reason why they know I am chipper bright and early.
| 8 | 96 | |
1396618233 | 1396627598 | t3_226t8u | t5_2to41 | 57 | VoicesDontStop: Today My Brother Fucked Up
toothworm: Oh no.. Do you know what your brother's reasoning behind that was? D:
VoicesDontStop: He thought that I helped my mom pick out the bag, it was a plastic bag, she got it because he loves cats.
toothworm: Oh D: well I hope you get your trip :)
VoicesDontStop: I'm not worried about trip, I'm worried about my mom, she seemed really hurt by what he said.
toothworm: Have you tried explaining it to her? :(
VoicesDontStop: Yes but she's still hurt and pissed so I'm going to have to think of something to help fix this
toothworm: Arrange something nice for her with your brother? Also, has your brother told her that his words were meant for you and not her?
VoicesDontStop: Well he kinda blubbered out that it was meant for me and I told her the same thing but that doesn't take the sting away from her. I don't really know how to cheer her up, usually I'd bake a cake or cook a nice meal for her but she's catholic and its lint so that erased a lot of options in my field of specialty
| 9 | 6.333333 | |
1396622346 | 1396973493 | t3_226yx6 | t5_2to41 | 13 | ShowersUp: TIFU by using really soft toilet paper
Some back story real quick:
I fell asleep at around 3 or 4 yesterday and woke up at 9. I took an amazing six hour nap. I had matzo-ball soup with chicken. I didn't go back to sleep until 3 this morning.
So here's the real story; kinda short but I still feel on edge about going through the rest of the day:
I took a shit around 1:30/2:00 in the morning today. It was sorta liquidy I can't exactly remember but I used this super soft toilet paper and it felt really good against my ass. Problem was that I didn't exactly have the best grip so I don't know if I wiped good or not. Looking and thinking that I did okay I finished up, washed my hands and got into bed. I got up this morning kind of late so I didn't have time to take a shower. Fast forward to right now, I'm in school, my ass itches so I ask to go to the bathroom. I go to get some toilet paper to relieve my itch and I look just in case. I shouldn't of looked. There was still shit in my ass that wasn't completely wiped. I got so nervous. So I finished up and I stood up; thinking I smelled, I go to my body spray that I keep in my backpack to use. I unlock the twistable cap and I'm out. I'm out of fucking body spray. I'm basically going to have to go home now. Did I mention that I'm a heavy sweater? And I'm wearing kakis? And I sweat near my ass (long story). I don't know what to do. I stood outside my school for the better part of a half hour. **FUCK ME**
td;lr I should wipe better.
whitneylauder: do they have paper towels in the bathroom? you can wet them and just wipe your butt over and over again. use it as if it were baby wipes lol.
ShowersUp: nope. see, I go to a technology school so it's just all this "tech" stuff. All we have is TP and air dryers that suck :I
rzmohno: go mr. bean on that shit
Cproo12: Oh boy. That sounds funny. Link to reference?
rzmohno: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_m1Xr3jenA
| 6 | 2.166667 | |
1396628303 | 1396960759 | t3_2278k8 | t5_2to41 | 24 | BiTcHsLaYeR16: TIFU by "Dutch Oven-ing" myself
So I have been sitting in bed for about am hour now, and I have been farting constantly, unaware of their horrendous odors under my blanket. I decided to get out of bed, removing my blanket, and by god, it was the worst thing I have smelled that I can remember. They were the ones that smell like your local landfill, mixed with rotten eggs... A collection of farts just blasted me in the face. I have been gagging for the past like five minutes and spraying febreeze on my sheets. I think I have had enough farts for one day.
elementalizer: I would've thought "everyone likes their own brand" would apply here...
zachochee: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=f9YBwa0O1Zc
demobilizer: [Here's the non-mobile version of the URL in your comment](http://youtube.com/watch?v=f9YBwa0O1Zc).
---
*^[FAQ](http://www.reddit.com/r/demobilizer/wiki/index) ^| ^[Bugs/Questions/Suggestions/Improvements?](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=zd9&subject=RE:+demobilizer+bot) ^| ^[Source Code](https://github.com/zd9/demobilizer_bot)*
zachochee: I didn't notice, thanks?
| 5 | 4.8 | |
1396638739 | 1396642609 | t3_227pqy | t5_2to41 | 33 | willgameforgold: TIFU by rubbing hot curry powder in my eye
Or rather, my girlfriend did.
The stage was set, the mince was cooking and a new pot of hot curry powder was opened. We did a quick dab with the tongue on finger to taste, by Jove it was hot.
A moment later she rubbed her eye, seconds past, the look of both pain and laughter on her face. She knew she had done goofed.
Stink_Snake: I had a similar experience:
I was cutting peppers and onions one day. The onions made my eyes water. So the genius that I am I proceeded to rub burning fucking hot capsaicin into them.
Ok my fucking eyes are on fire and I am drinking so I need to pee. Bad move. Bad bad fucking move.
Now my eyes are burning and I would swear my dick has caught on fire. Dick burn is a special kind of burn. It's like nothing on the face of the earth. On top of that because bad things come in threes I scratched my balls and lit them up as well.
**tl;dr** I have never had an STD but I assume I got as close as possible.
willgameforgold: Oof man, that must have been a ball ache.
*^Too ^soon?*
| 3 | 11 | |
1396654070 | 1396736307 | t3_228dwt | t5_2to41 | 209 | Dylek: TIFU by hitting my girlfriend and then laughing at her
Now let me start off by saying I would never, under any circumstance, consciously hit her.
It's 7am in the morning and were both fast asleep. She's on my right side, and both of us are sleeping on our backs. I was having a crazy dream. I can't say I remember what it was about. Just that I know it was somehow intense. Out of no where, my right arm jerks really hard upwards, connecting my elbow into my girlfriends face. This wasn't a "Oh, sorry I didn't mean to touch you and wake you up". I full on hit her like I was mad at her. Her reaction was "OW, DYLEK, WHAT THE FUCK"
It was the way she said it, it was HILARIOUS. I couldn't help myself. I was laughing tears it was so funny. She then proceeds to go for my leg hair. I try to stop her but at this point I'm immobilized by laughter and figure she deserves to pluck a few hairs at this point.
She isn't mad at me anymore, she knows I would never do anything like that on purpose, but I still feel absolutely horrible for the whole thing. We've been together for 4 years, and this has never happened before, and hopefully it never will again.
milkymoocowmoo: Could be worse, I once knee'd my then-GF in the eye while she was moving into position to give me a BJ ._.
i_pk_pjers_i: Well... Did you get the BJ?
milkymoocowmoo: Yes, but she was never very good at them and the instances were too few & far between to teach her. There...may be a link there that I've only just now realised.
| 4 | 52.25 | |
1396657911 | 1396662612 | t3_228j57 | t5_2to41 | 44 | BGYeti: TIFU by making a "Your mom" joke.
So it is coming to the end of our work day when we get a truck in with product, as per usual procedure we offload the truck, count the merchandise and then send it down to the basement via a ramp to be put into inventory. One of our newer coworkers said he would go to the bottom of the ramp if someone would throw the boxes down the ramp. I then responded by making a stupid your mom joke along the lines of "Your mom sends boxes down the ramp." I had no prior knowledge that his mother had passed away (when exactly I still am not sure of) but I was made aware of this fact when he angrily told me. I responded with a "Ohh shit I'm sorry" due to my joke and not knowing of his mothers passing. He came back up from storage a minute or two later telling me to work on my people skills, I again apologized and tried to convey that at no point was I trying to offend him and that I didn't realize his mother had passed. That is the last I talked to him today.
Sir_Wooky: That happened to a buddy of mine. After he told the jokester his mother recently passed away the kid KEPT GOING with it. He kept saying, "Your mom's not dead!" and began laughing at himself... He was the only one laughing... Very awkward to stand and watch that. Honest mistake on your end though. All you can do is apologize and keep your mom jokes to your close friends.
BGYeti: Ya learned that quick
| 3 | 14.666667 | |
1396657346 | 1396889357 | t3_228if4 | t5_2to41 | 220 | DaAngla: TIFU by forgetting I had a multi-tool
Alright, so I haven't posted here before, so I'll try to keep it simple.
I got a multi-tool from my girlfriend as a gift.
I use it at work (I work retail and its extremely useful for opening boxes and doing general B.S. throughout my shift) well I brought it to school by accident forgetting it was in my front pocket of my jacket and it fell out yesterday in my last hour.
So I get called into the disciplinarian's office and was shown the multi-tool and the dude asks if it was mine.
Of course I admitted it to him because I don't like lying.
So basically what happens is they have to follow procedure and recommend me for expulsion. Please keep in mind I am a highscool senior with 21 days of school left. I am an all honors student with no violations in my entire record.
So all in all, I will have to finish up at an alternative school unless I can somehow get the school board to let this accident slide.
I'll try to keep you updated
TL;DR I got expelled for accidentally bringing my multi-tool to school.
BeerPowered: Wait wait. I don't understand, why do they want to expel you?
orijinal: Because he brought a multi-tool to school...
BeerPowered: And that is forbidden in the States? That's fucked up. You really should murder someone with scissors in school, so they forbid that too. And pencils too.
iCole: Beat someone to death with a textbook and the entire US schooling system will fall apart.
BeerPowered: Yet seriously, I don't get it, carrying sharp items is a crime now? And guns are okay. So glad I'm not in the US.
strider_sifurowuh: Parents file lawsuits against school because they're terrified of anything hurting their special snowflakes, schools can't keep up with legal issues, blanket ban anything scary being brought on campus. You can't walk on school grounds with a gun (be it real, fake, or in many places of the squirt or nerf variety) either.
iCole: This sounds so ridiculous and unreal to me as a non-american. I know people who carried very real looking airsoft rifles to high school (playing right after school) here in Europe. They were comparing and showing them off during break once, a teacher walked in and all he said was "hey, those look awesome!" and he kept asking questions for like 5 minutes, fascinated.
Not even talking about knives or multitools, those were never a problem (nor they fucking should be).
strider_sifurowuh: Bringing an airsoft gun into school is grounds to get a lockdown called and the police sent after you in most states anymore. There's a lot of very emotional, reactionary people in the US. [There's a kid recently who was in the news getting an expulsion hearing for forgetting he had a knife he was using for his job as an EMT before he went to class.](http://jonathanturley.org/2014/03/18/ohio-student-expelled-arrested-spent-13-days-in-jail-after-a-small-pocketknife-is-found-in-his-locked-car-trunk-by-school-officials/)
| 9 | 24.444444 | |
1396660645 | 1396710749 | t3_228mmc | t5_2to41 | 1,230 | PDvaughn147: TIFU by taking my husband's advice
I was going to use a throwaway for this but eh.
So the past few days I've been pretty constipated. Ok, REALLY constipated. I had to leave early from work today because my stomach was so full and upset that I threw up my morning coffee. I have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday (for an unrelated reason) so I was going to ask my doctor for help then, but I couldn't wait.
So I did the logical thing; I asked my husband what he thought I should do. I should point out at this time that my husband is ridiculously smart and was genuinely concerned for me. He suggested drinking some prune juice and see if that will help.
Off to the store we go, where we buy a half gallon sized jug of prune juice and some baby wipes (best decision ever to get those). We head home and he tells me to pour a large glass of it and chug it. I grabbed a tumbler out of the cupboard and filled it about half full. Nope, he says, not enough. He proceeded to fill my glass almost to the top. So I'm staring at approximately 20 oz of prune juice. I mentally count down and down the entire glass in about 3.8 seconds.
And then I waited....and waited....and waited some more. Finally after about an hour, the grumbling started. I tried to go to the bathroom a couple of times only to release a couple of farts that I didn't know I was capable of. Loud, long, and straight up rank. I thought that was bad enough, but I had no idea what I was about to face.
The grumblings got louder and more frequent. All of a sudden it hits me. I HAVE TO POOP NOW!! My husband says to hold it as long as I can but I knew I couldn't.
"I CAN'T HOLD IT!!!!!"
I ran sprinting to the bathroom, which luckily is literally three feet from where I was sitting. I yanked my pants down just in time. The floodgates were open. The worst torrent of liquid shit came rushing out with the force of a tsunami. Wave after wave of smelly, liquid poo, similar in consistency to water with grains of rice in it, hit me in rapid succession. I can hear my husband laughing hysterically from the living room, while I sit on the toilet doing that awkward half laughing-half crying thing. The smell can only be compared to a decomposing skunk that had been doused in sour milk and left in the hot sun for five hours.
It's taken me about 45 minutes to type out this story because I keep getting hit with aftershocks and have to run back to the bathroom.
TL;DR Couldn't poop. Drank an ungodly amount of prune juice. Still shitting liquid.
EDIT: Thanks for all your awesome responses guys!! I know I didn't make the typical fuck up and shit my pants. I think the big fuck up here was the amount of juice I drank. I should have done it in stages as suggested or tried an easier laxative. Either way, I'm glad I could entertain you with my shitstorm.
Gmajj: Good advice, maybe. Maybe should have tried it in stages, tho. I've had quite severe constipation problems before and 2 doctors have told me to use milk of magnesia. It's not tasty, but effective. And mild. If very severe I take max dose. Doesn't even sound funny to me. Just painful. My grandma used to drink a small glass of prune juice every day. Might prevent further problems.
BoulderCat: Cherry flavoured Milk of Magnesia is slightly better. That stuff saved my life when I was pregnant and couldn't poop.
TheIlluminaughty: Hold on... When you're pregnant, you can't poop? This is the first time I've heard this mention at all... Is it because there's stuff in the vagina so it kinda blocks the backdoor?
Wow okay I'm a bit mind blown. It makes complete sense but I just never thought about it...
surgerygeek: There's nothing in the vagina during pregnancy that isn't there any other time. The baby is in the uterus, a totally separate organ.
However, as the uterus grows, it displaces the bowels a bit and makes things move through more slowly at times.
At least that's how I understand it.
TheIlluminaughty: OOH I see! Thanks!
juhesihcaaa: The uterus growing also makes it very difficult for pregnant women to pee properly (and that's why they pee a lot-the amount is the same but they can't get it all out). For me, with twins, I also had decreased lung capacity because my uterus got so big.
If anyone ever wanted to torture me, pregnancy is the way to go. It was pure hell.
TheIlluminaughty: Shit... Now I'm scared because the twin-gene runs in the family. I'm a paternal twin but my grandma has an identical (maternal?) twin. So I get that I'm by chance but the twin-gene still seems to be there. And I'm pretty small too 5"1 under 100lbs....
juhesihcaaa: Identical twinning is a fluke so don't count that in (and not called maternal). I assume by "paternal" you mean "fraternal." That can be seen in families. You being a twin means your chances of having twins are higher. If you do have twins, you'll be surprised at what your body can do.
TheIlluminaughty: Damn I'm bad at this definition thing haha. I have a twin but he's a guy and I'm a girl. My mom said she was on medication to better fertilization chances so I know that we're an artificial twin sadly :(
Yeah I kinda really want twins! Probably have to say good bye to my toned stomachs though. My moms tummy skin is rather... Scary looking and she's about the same height/weight as me.
juhesihcaaa: Because she had fertility treatments (probably Clomid if I had to guess), it may not effect you at all.
And there is nothing artificial about you being a twin. Just because some medication was taken doesn't make you less of a twin.
Yeah, my tummy is fucked all to hell. I have more weight I want to lose and after that, I'm getting it fixed. I hate how it looks.
TheIlluminaughty: Ooh I see! But I think it may be the cause of me being a twin because additional ovulation of the eggs or something. So, the chances of me giving birth to a twin might lessen as the "real" twin-gene is present in my grandmother's sisters (on my mom's side).
Approximately how much weight did you gain before and after pregnancy? : o Are there stretch marks? And if so, can they be removed?
juhesihcaaa: I lost 20lbs in the first half (horrid morning sickness which lasted all day) then gained it and another 65. I lost all of the 40 by the time my twins were a week old and 15 by the time they were 6 weeks old.
I have since lost another 40lbs. I have about 40 more that I want to lose (I was 235 when I got pregnant-300 the day I delivered). I am 205 right now.
Stretch marks are here to stay. And that doesn't really bother me-it's the excess skin that kills me. It physically painful at times.
TheIlluminaughty: Ooo I see : o So much weight change going on. Isn't it unhealthy to lose weight really fast? Or is it okay if you're doing it the proper healthy way?
Woo! You go girl :D
Excess skin is painful? : o
Thanks for your patience and answers to all my questions btw!
juhesihcaaa: The initial weight loss was because I had pre-eclampsia when I was pregnant. I retained a lot of water.
And it's a bit painful because it's excess weight. I'll probably have about 10lbs of skin removed when I finish losing weight.
No problem!
TheIlluminaughty: Oh my god is that bad? Or just an occurrence and doesn't effect much except weight?
Oooh I see! Is the procedure expensive?
juhesihcaaa: Pre-eclampsia can be very dangerous- it can lead to eclampsia but on it's own gives high blood pressure and effects other organs. Mine was mild/moderate. I was put on bed rest for it for about 6 weeks.
Edit: yes, it's not cheap.
TheIlluminaughty: Wow I'll definitely be careful when it's my time haha! Thanks!
| 18 | 68.333333 | |
1396660669 | 1396708466 | t3_228mnd | t5_2to41 | 22 | clubswithseals: tifu by slapping the wrong thing
So about 45 minutes ago I had a girl over, we were really baked and starting hooking up. As she's on top of me (cowgirl) she says "you know you can slap it" I kid you not guys: I slapped her pussy with my johnson. Immediately after, I realized what she meant and I burst out laughing, she was visibly pissed off and pretty off put. What only made matters worse was that I kept thinking about how absurd a thing it was to have done and laughing (meanwhile she's trying to be intimate).
tl;dr I'm a dick slapping asshole
Floyd_Pink: I'm not sure what she meant!
[deleted]: Neither do I. I would've done what OP did. Or slap her tit(?).
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1396672188 | 1396787580 | t3_2290ee | t5_2to41 | 17 | Buffalofeet: TIFU by basically yelling 'BIG BLACK DICK?!' at a kid and his mother while exitting an elevator.
My friend and I were leaving another buddy's apartment. We could hear family feud on tv from a neighbouring apartment as we were waiting for the elevator down. As we get in the elevator my friend starts talking about how if he was on the show he would just say the most ridiculous things, and I reply "like what? A BIG BLACK DICK?!" just as the doors open to a kid who looked about 10-11 no older, and his angry obese mother.
ViolentThespian: That's the most ridiculous thing you could think of?
fasqix: youre a big black dick
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1396667468 | 1396724767 | t3_228v1o | t5_2to41 | 27 | VRFireRetardant: TIFU and scratched my moms car, had the police called on me, probably jacked up my insurance rates and lost all of my parents trust.
So I'm a teenager and have been driving for about 2 months now and today I parked the minivan in a plaza the way I normally would. On my way out of the plaza I panicked at an incoming SUV that looked like it would completely take my front bumper off. So I panicked and swerved to the left a bit and dinged up the side of my car and probably the side of the parked car next to me. Again panicking I didn't know what to do and I drove away from the scene. Well turns out the guy saw what went down and recorded my plate and called the cops, who then called my dad cause the car is in his name. I had previously told my parents of scratching the car and when I got home they offered me one chance to tell the truth. Me of course being the massive fuck up I am and still panicking figured I'd make a lie and just fuck over all the trust my dad had with me. Now i have to go to the police station tomorrow to find out if I'm going to be charged or not as well as to pay for any damages. Today I completely fucked up and it wouldn't have nearly been as bad if a) decided to stick around the accident site, and b) didn't obviously lie to my dad and make him even more disappointed.
Update: As of yet I have not been charged and the damage done to my minivan is less than a paint scuff but apparently I somehow cracked the bumper of the suv that I scratched. Haven't heard any talk for fines or anything yet.
ViolentThespian: You scratched it? I utterly destroyed my step-dad's truck and he came around eventually. Just explain to everyone the situation you saw in front of you at the time and accept that you screwed up.
VRFireRetardant: Well the scratch is barly there. I think they are more concerned about the way i handled it.
califuckingfornia913: I did the same thing when I was your age... except I completely destroyed the back of someone's escalade. I lied about it but my parents found out the truth pretty fast. It took a while but I was able to earn their trust back. It'll take some work, but you'll get there.
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1396681288 | 1396712979 | t3_2298yj | t5_2to41 | 15 | Justdone101: throw me away.
Justdone101: I'm a piece of garbage and I fucked up today.
SpontaneousLightBulb: Everyone fucks up! That's why fucking up, can be kind of funny. Sure, it's embarrassing, but all you wanted to do was experience a little bit of life. That's clear enough. Keep up with your hopes and dreams, and start working and planning to leave your town. If you're willing to drive in the middle of the night to some rocks to see the world you love, you're willing to plan to leave your town for a new place. I believe in you, keep it up.
| 3 | 5 | |
1396674081 | 1396715213 | t3_2292df | t5_2to41 | 141 | condomballoon: TIFU By making a condom balloon
After everything was done and over with we were both laying on the floor. I decided to blow the used condom up and make it into a balloon (who doesn't do that :p) just like I have many times. This time was a bit different though. I put a little hole in the balloon so it could deflate and *BOOM* the balloon burst and all the inside went all over me and the rest of the room. I was gagging and he was laughing. Never again will I make a condom balloon.
katzali: Oh my god who does that with a **used** condom
condomballoon: Haha well the real reason I did it with that one is because I thought I felt it leaking so I blew it up to check for a hole because I am paranoid about it.
esearcher: What about all the "many" other times?
condomballoon: Like I said, I'm paranoid haha. Don't judge people! You have mostly had it all over your face and in your mouth before :p
esearcher: I'm mostly just curious about the paranoia
| 6 | 23.5 | |
1396694490 | 1396770163 | t3_229hue | t5_2to41 | 533 | HaveASeatChrisHansen: TIFU by thinking my new roommate was gay.
So, I live in a 4 bed/1 bath apartment. We had to kick out a girl right before the end of March because she turned out to be a drug addict. (She's in inpatient rehab now so that worked out for the best). We scrambled to get a new roomie and were lucky enough to find one willing to move in April 1st.
Well, the roomie fielding the emails is a girl from China and sometimes she misunderstands things because of language barriers and because she's a little silly in a lovable way. She told the other roommate and I that this potential roommate was gay, amongst other details. So, we give this guy the room and a few days later he knocks on the bathroom door while I'm showering. I told him he could come in and pee while I'm showering if he can't hold it. Now, we have a see through shower curtain, I don't usually mind this because I'm trying to be respectful of bladder function and sharing a space but maybe I was being a bit too respectful? He said he could wait.
Then! Later that night we're all getting a bit tipsy and Chinese roommate and I make a comment about possible male love interests and he gives us this look then says, "do you think I'm gay? Because I'm not." Quickly back pedal and change subject.
Chinese roomie thinks it's all hilarious and now I'm wondering if my roomie thinks I was trying to invite him to bang me. Ugh.
Tl;dr- thought new roomie was gay, invited him to see me naked (27/f) then found out he was straight
liquigellin: Get a non see through shower curtain. Awkward situations resolved.
DaLateDentArthurDent: Why have a see through curtain in the first place?
HaveASeatChrisHansen: We have it for two reasons. 1) our bathroom can be kind of dark and my more neurotic roommate prefers them (I just go with the flow on silly stuff like that, usually). 2) Remember druggie roomie we kicked out? Yeah, well, we had an opaque one until druggie got crazy hammered and smeared feces all over the bathroom, including the curtain, so the clear one was just the first one I grabbed from Duane Reade when replacing it.
gg249: what drug makes you smear your own shit everywhere?
genuinely curious!
HaveASeatChrisHansen: Apparently, a steady mix of red wine, vodka, Ambien, Xanax and giving zero shits about the comfort of others.
sandman369: She did give one big smeary shit once though
me131211: Fucking hilarious! Now I'm going to bed so this can be the funniest thing I read all night.
juggalo122390: How does one go bead?
| 9 | 59.222222 | |
1396700381 | 1396912293 | t3_229lzy | t5_2to41 | 143 | tmama1: TIFU and broke my $600 tv
Playing Mortal Kombat 9 and I'd kept my patience throughout it all. It came down to the final match.
Raiden vs Shao Kahn. For 4 fucking hours. I finally lost my patience. For the first time in my life I threw my controller at the floor.
It bounced up and cracked my new smart tv...
BossFck: Maybe learn to handle your anger like an adult and don't throw a temper tantrum.
large-farva: You've never had to fight Sagat in sf2, have you
Damasticator: Tiger. Tiger. Tiger. Tiger.
GarbageMan0: So. Much. Hate.
Damasticator: And the fact that he could do instant Tiger Uppercuts whenever he wanted to. Fucker.
| 6 | 23.833333 | |
1396693001 | 1396902985 | t3_229gxr | t5_2to41 | 29 | [deleted]: TIFU by not reading the ingredients
I recently purchased a load of Soda, which is one of the most versatile chemicals I know. I specifically purchased it to combat bad breath, which I had done before with store-bought Soda. Thus, I dipped my toothbrush into it. What I did not know is that apparently, Soda can mean both sodium carbonate and sodium bicarbonate. The latter is perfectly safe for human consumption and is what I knew from stores, the former produces a strong alkaline solution.
Well, I had searched for "Natron" on Amazon, but it seems it doesn't know the difference between carbonate and bicarbonate. So the second I put the toothbrush into my mouth, it basically lit up to scalding temperatures, and intense pain shot through my teeth. I spat it out immediately, but sodium carbonate also is a strong bleaching agent. My favorite shirt now has a large white "stain" on the front - and that is _after_ I immediately rinsed the single drop that came in contact with it with a liter of water.
Now I'm just sitting here with a numb tongue and burning gums, and I swear I'll never use anything but brand-name Kaisernatron again.
ilikecamelsalot: There's a lot of big words in there.. Why not use Crest..?
genitaliban: Why use it? It's just an assortment of chemicals as well, designed by people who (very likely) went through the same fuckups in early development. And I just like to play around with things like that - maybe I'll find a nice and cheap alternative for myself, or I burn my teeth off if I'm an idiot. Such is life.
fizzlepop: > It's just an assortment of chemicals as well, designed by people who (very likely) went through the same fuckups in early development.
That's why. They got it right.
genitaliban: Yeah, I know, but I want to get it right, too. As I said, I just like experimenting, and I don't hold my well-being in very high regard.
Also, using sodium bicarbonate for brushing your teeth is time-tested and recommendable, it's just the missing 'bi' that was the problem.
courtoftheair: Well no. It works because it erodes your enamel.
| 6 | 4.833333 | |
1396713582 | 1396736803 | t3_229zu2 | t5_2to41 | 76 | dirteanne: TIFU by cutting chicken (nsfl)
This happened yesterday. I work at a grocery store, and was helping out in the deli. They'd been extremely short handed lately so I was knocking out as much as I could to help out. I start working on cutting the 20lbs of chicken needed for the chicken salad. The knives are all extremely dull so it takes a lot of force to cut through anything. Around that time my friend drops by, and starts joking around with a coworker. I begin zoning out while listening to them talk when BAM. I look down, and notice I've cut myself through the glove. "Eh, no big deal. I'll get a bandaid.", I think. Off comes the glove, and the tip of my finger starts to go with it. I'd gotten my left middle finger, so I had to take a bunch of pictures of me flipping off the camera while gushing blood for workers comp. 5 awkward hours in the emergency room with a manager, and six stitches. My first weekend off in months though. http://imgur.com/cuZbtzD http://imgur.com/ligRCoY
mcee2302: dont those departments have separate unions for situations just like this? do you normally work in the deli/meat department?
dirteanne: Besides a couple of employees everyone is part time, and switches between cashiering in grocery and working in the deli. Often in the same shift.
mcee2302: hmm interesting. i worked at a stop and shop and the deli and meat department had different unions then us front end folks. We weren't even allowed to walk back in those areas. Is the store going to cover the medical expenses?
dirteanne: Yeah, they fully pay for all on the job medical costs. Just make you drug test at the same time.
| 5 | 15.2 | |
1396715653 | 1397746253 | t3_22a2o9 | t5_2to41 | 843 | The_Seldom_Seen_Kid: TIFU by maiming my dick with a box cutter
So I’m a college student with a retail job at a local grocery store. For convenience purposes, every employee here wears a store lanyard from which your locker key, badge and a box cutter are dangling. I had just been cutting up some cardboard boxes when my boss told me I could have a well-deserved break. I decided to have a quick leak so I could have some more time browsing Reddit afterwards.
Unbeknownst to me, I had forgotten to retract the razor-sharp blade when I hurriedly left for the break room. You guys can probably guess the outcome of this. As I excitedly zipped open my pants and unleashed my 3 inch monstrosity, the box cutter went hammering down upon it as if my dick was a vicious dragon waiting to be slain. The beast had indeed been properly slain and had bloodily recoiled.
So here I am, wincing in pain, dick and dignity scorn. I quickly jammed some toilet paper in my boxers, hoping that it will absorb most of the blood. I’m now awkwardly seated in the break room typing this out, trying not to move too much. Luckily I’m not circumcised as that would have made matters even worse.
**UPDATE:** Ok thank you all for genuinely being worried about me. Since you were all so insistent on me visiting a doctor, after getting off work I went to my local GP (I’m in Europe so insurance isn’t a problem) and he and I assessed the damages. Disinfecting stung like a bitch but he said I’ll be fine if I lay off flogging the dolphin for a week or two. Didn’t need stitches, luckily. The boxers are ruined, though.
TL;DR: Dragon will be ready to battle again shortly
joshuad80: OP... You need to go to a Dr. If you don't have insurance, it's a workers comp claim. That box cutter is naaty as fuck, and if you aren't careful, you could lose your dick.
NeetSnoh: Chances are it's his box cutter that he got when he started working there. Meaning he knows where it's been. Box cutter blades are fairly clean, and if he has only been cutting boxes he'll be fine as far as chances of infection go. It's a lot harder to get an infection on your cock than you think. Doctors rarely prescribe antibiotics for superficial lacerations of the genitals because it's such a vascular part of the body. He just needs to keep it washed.
Plus it'll lead to his workplace introducing a requisite for safety box cutters that suck royal ass. They make it impossible to actually open a fucking box.
whitestguyuknow: Judging by the information you just gave I'm guessing you get alot of infections
NeetSnoh: Nope, I just know about them.
Edit: I've injured myself more times than I care to admit. So my lack of infections shows more about my knowledge of wound care than anything else if you really think about it.
whitestguyuknow: I'm glad you have so much good information on them then. It's good to know that OP shouldn't stress. You really saved him. I mean, he was **about** to go to the doctor.
NeetSnoh: Unless the bleeding hasn't stopped he'll be all healed up in 3-5 days. A doctor bill isn't worth it in the US.
Basically... It's just a flesh wound.
I have gotten infections, but when I was younger and didn't know proper wound care, which prevents most of them. Basically he just needs to wash it off or take some isoprophl to it if he has the balls to pull that one off.
whitestguyuknow: Obviously it's a flesh wound.
Basically... You're an idiot. Since you're not getting the hints.
He sliced his junk open with a box cutter. He needs to see a doctor. It doesn't matter that he "knew where it's been" or whatever bullshit "logic" you're trying to use. Staff is **literally always** on your skin. It's *very* easy to get infected.
Especially on his dick? Man.. Come on. You should have at least some common sense to say go to a doctor. I'd rather pay a doctor's fee than lose my little man.
NeetSnoh: You didn't seem to catch the Monty Python reference...
Your dick is rather clean, you wash it and put clothing over it and it only gets touched a couple of times a day. If you get anywhere near a staph you'll know it pretty quickly. The doctor might give him mupriocin but that's pretty unlikely.
You seem overly concerned with what are highly unlikely possibilities.
whitestguyuknow: ["If you get anywhere near a staph you'll know it pretty quickly."]( http://m.kidshealth.org/teen/infections/bacterial_viral/staph.html)
Are you trolling? Cause the longer this goes on, the stupider you seem. I'm just being blunt now.
**Nothing** is clean, in the sense you're using. You don't just bump into "a staph" and then you go wash that area. Plus there's thousands of other types of dangerous bacteria out there. I was just naming 1 that everyone knows.
It doesn't matter that your dick is under clothing after being washed. It's not "protected" from bacteria. And are you completely missing the fact that it's inches away from where you shit from?
You could brush your teeth, and put your toothbrush in a case and in a cabinet in the fucking kitchen, and there will still be traces of fecal matter on it. Point being, no matter what, you cannot get away from bacteria, and the seemingly harmless amounts are potentially life threatening.
You are not concerned enough. I'm glad you weren't the only person to answer to this thread and OP be gullible enough to take your dimwitted advice.
NeetSnoh: When you get dressed your body should be clean and your clothes should be clean. So it's highly unlikely that you're going to end up bringing any more bacteria to the party. Staph is always a possibility but a very unlikely one.
I've had surgeries in this particular area. No antibiotics, no pain killers, none of that shit. Just a gauze sponge and a pat on the back. That's right, a trained MD telling me that I don't need a damn thing, and he was right. I was all healed up in a few days.
Your body has an immune system for a reason. Seemingly harmless amounts of bacteria are exactly that, harmless.
You're saying that shit ends up on your toothbrush (from flushing the toilet, I've seen the studies.), well from what I understand you're basically rubbing shit all over your gums and placing tiny little micro-abrasions all over your gums with the brush on your toothbrush, and your ass isn't running around with an oral infection the next day. I think you just ruined your argument for "Your dick is near your asshole.".
If you keep it clean it won't turn into a cesspool and kill you. Isopropyl (applied with a q-tip, you don't want that shit in your urethra...Talk about pain...) and a gauze sponge will keep everything situated and happy.
whitestguyuknow: Oh, I forgot to come back to this.. Damn. You totally got me. I'm such an idiot. You win.
Edit: But wait... I wonder why *absolutely nobody agreed with you*?... Eh. We must all be idiots.
| 12 | 70.25 | |
1396721492 | 1396815525 | t3_22aavx | t5_2to41 | 384 | [deleted]: TIFU - A tale from my high school years
EDIT- [LINK TO UPDATE](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/22kuyv/tifupdate_the_backseat_of_a_strangers_van/)
Although these events did not occur on this day, I was reminded of them today. I was a senior in high school, enjoying my final months of abusing my upper class privileges by doing no work and receiving good grades by making the teachers laugh. In my English class, our teacher wanted us to write a "college essay" in case any prospective college required it in their application. Now I had already been accepted to the school I planned on attending, so I decided to have a bit of fun.
I had always been fond of English, specifically creative writing. I thought I would just write a funny little story involving myself and some friends, however, that is not how it turned out. The story I created ended up being titled "The Back Seat of a Strangers Van: A true story about lost dogs and lost innocence." It ended up being ~20 pages. None of it was true, but I thought it was funny. I ended up having it bound like a real book before I handed it in because apparently I had way too much time on my hands.
My teacher thought it was hilarious, but some stuck up, overly religious, sheltered bitch thought otherwise. She went to the principal and said something about it. He took the story and went to the school psychologist and called me down. They wanted to know if any of the story was true, so I sarcastically said "yes every word." I guess they didn't catch the blatant sarcasm. They made me spend almost an hour with the psychologist everyday that week. Now, me being me, I printed out a ridiculous amount of copies of my story, placed one in every classroom, in random places in the library, and put one in every hallway.
Although it is entirely my fault, they suspended me, wouldn't let me walk at graduation, and made me see the psychologist some more. The reason I was reminded of it today was because my friends little brother who goes to that high school found a copy of it in the school somewhere. "The Backseat of a Strangers Van" lives on.
TL;DR What happens in a strangers van should stay in a strangers van.
Oh, and I didn't shit my pants!
[deleted]: Scan it to pdf and upload that shit for us dude :)
Jeb1332: op plz
| 3 | 128 | |
1396725751 | 1397163766 | t3_22aguu | t5_2to41 | 438 | buttfever: TIFU by showing a stranger my penis
I've been subbed to TIFU for a while, and know that this isn't nearly as bad as some of the horrible things you people do, but it just happened to me, and I my first thought was of you.
It's a lazy Saturday, and after a stressful week at work, I decided to sleep in. I wake up around 12, play some games on my phone, check my email, etc. Around 12:45, I realize I should probably get started with my day, so I head to the shower and get cleaned up. I dry off, brush my teeth, and walk over to my bedroom to get dressed.
I've lived alone for about the last six months. For those of you who are too young to realize how wonderful living alone is, clothing becomes pretty optional. So naturally, as the door to my bathroom is literally five feet from the door to my bedroom, I never think much about walking between them even if I'm half, or in this case, completely naked.
I take one step out, feel my foot land on the warm carpet of the hallway, and immediately hear a noise in the living room. To give you an idea of my home, my hallway opens up to my living room, which has the front door. It's an older house, so there's no mudroom or alcove. There is also a windowed front porch though.
So I hear this noise, and instead of stepping back into the warm, safe bathroom and peaking my head out towards the noise, my brain thinks curiosity is more important than shame, so it allows me to continue to walk forward to get a better view of the sound. Of course, instead of ringing the bell on the porch door like a normal visitor, a strange middle-aged woman decided to venture into the porch and knock on my glass door, completely in view of my in all my splendor. We immediately make eye contact. The brain, finally registering that my naked body is shameful, decides to immediately cover my penis.
Well, in an emergency nude situation, sometimes your body forgets muscle memory, no matter how much you train. In a normal situation, my hands know how far away my penis is, down to the millimeter. Trust me, they've made that trip before. However, in this flight or nude-fight situation, the brain over-corrected; I assume it thought the shock must have caused my penis to crawl deep inside me. My hands make contact well below their point of aim, unfortunately meaning I gave myself a nice ball tap, the perfect accoutrement to the situation.
I run into my room, almost gagging from the pain, slam on some pants and a sweatshirt, agonizing about what I'm going to say to this woman. Do I pretend like she didn't see me? Do I apologize for showing her all that I am? Do I ask if she thinks the dinosaur tattoo on my hip is cute, or the pumpkin tattoo on my ass is hilarious?
Luckily, once I get dressed, she was gone from my door, never to be seen again.
Did I mention I live next door to an elementary school?
DorkyBear: I immediately went to your submitted posts history and was disappointed to see you have never shared the tattoos you mention. The Calvin & Hobbes one is awesome though.
buttfever: A stranger asking me to show my genitals? This isn't gonewild weirdo.
Also, once a day is enough.
Kautkto: [REDACTED]
buttfever: uhhh, not sure if typo, or you're just insinuating that I'm really kinky, but I prefer r/gonewilder anyways.
amedeus: I think they're saying you have a cute widl weenie. Are you gonna stand for that?
| 6 | 73 | |
1396728773 | 1396842048 | t3_22al0w | t5_2to41 | 5 | goldxero: TIFU by locking myself out of my wireless network
So I'm over at my dads place and im using his internet. i notice that the internet is really slow because hes watching streams/movies/etc on it. so, scumbag me decided to log onto his router, which is not configured because he isnt tech savvy. I go and mac filter everyone else's devices except my computer to stop the lag. but stupid me, put ALLOW instead of DENY on the options. so now EVERYONE ELSE is able to use the internet except me. locking myself out. and since its his router, i dont want to randomly go and ask to reset the router so here i am, using the neighbors unstable wifi. TIRFU by being greedy with the bandwidth
TPCTimesThree: Get the MAC from one of the allowed devices, turn that device off, spoof the MAC on your computer, fix the router settings. 5 minutes. Done.
TPCTimesThree: Downvotes? It's a legitimate solution, I've done it before.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1396732316 | 1396736292 | t3_22apzi | t5_2to41 | 29 | Quencher_: TIFU By sleeping in class
I was dozing off in my college class. My teacher hates it when people sleep in her class, so she keeps asking me questions. After about 10 minutes in, she gets pissed that I'm still dozing off, teacher looks at me and says
"Mr. Quencher_ can you please pass around these sheets of paper?"
.... hoping I would wake up after this.
As I'm still sleepfucked, I think nothing of it, and go around the class handing one sheet out to each student. By the time I go back to sit down and sober up I see how big of a boner I had, and feel the looks of my classmates on me.
TL;dr napwood
Twiltiwhirl: Any extra attention from the ladies?
Quencher_: now that I think about it one girl said "thank you" to me
.................................................................................................................................
http://i.imgur.com/2MQ4paa.gif
gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/ShamefulWeeklyHoneycreeper](http://gfycat.com/ShamefulWeeklyHoneycreeper)
---
^(GIF size: 882.62 kiB) ^| ^(GFY size:336.73 kiB) ^| [^(~ About)](http://www.reddit.com/r/gfycat/comments/1u5df2/made_a_gfy_bot_for_reddit_in_ruby_meet_ugfy_bot/)
| 4 | 7.25 | |
1396730135 | 1396763363 | t3_22amxp | t5_2to41 | 34 | FireChickens: TIFU by accidentally cursing out a customer's mother.
I'm currently an auto- technician working for a fairly large company here on the east coast.
I was test driving a customer's car to hear a noise they were complaining about and I noticed that they left their cell phone in the car. As I'm driving, the persons mother calls and it shows on the dash navigation through bluetooth. The first time I let it ring, the second time I cancelled it and the the third time I fucked up.
I then yelled "I'm not going to answer you stupid shit head!". Little did I know, the word "ANSWER" triggers the phone to pick up. I then hear ' Who is this?!". I hung up and am now waiting to see what the endings going to be. I already told the boss what happened just in case.
tl; dr I accidentally answered a customers Bluetooth in their car and called their mother a shithead.
Intremag: I really want to know what happens.. I can totally see myself doing the same thing haha
FireChickens: Well nothing yet. The customer came and picked it up and we haven't heard anything. Fingers crossed lol
Perk456: "Hi, I'm calling because I'm wondering if you called my mother a shithead?"
"Yes, sorry"
"Okay cool"
| 4 | 8.5 | |
1396736167 | 1396824472 | t3_22avf2 | t5_2to41 | 99 | Rain_Cat: TIFU by not standing up and clapping at a softball game.
I really hate softball, but I was persuaded by my friends to go. Well halfway through the game, I had my earphones in and on Reddit, and my friends kept trying to make me stand up, but I really did not want to because I was tired and I just thought our team got another score. Well, turns out that they were actually clapping for a child that just beat cancer, and most people at the game thought I was a dick afterwards since I was too stubborn to stand.
schticky_buddy: So your friends wanted to go out and spend time with you, and all you do is sit there in a shitty mood with headphones in and staring at your phone?
You sound like a fun guy...
kroneksix: I bet he's great at parties
| 3 | 33 | |
1396747487 | 1396748996 | t3_22bae6 | t5_2to41 | 98 | nebbylittleprick: TIFU by ripping the tip of my penis and duck taping it shut
This event and this sub-reddit inspired me to finally make an account and make my first post... oh boy
Okay, I’m a junior in High School, so I’ve been masturbating for a long time now. As I think most people would agree, if you do the same old thing over and over again, even if its different porn, it starts to lose is pleasurableness, so one day while I’m choking the chicken I decide to try something new. I vaguely remember reading or hearing about how you could masturbate by putting your dick in-between two couch cushions and rubbing up the upholstery, or substituting pillows in place of the cushions. My parents were in the living room so I decided that two pillows would do. The thing is that I remembered that you were supposed to put something rigid in between the cover of the pillow and the actual pillow in order for your penis to have more… idk friction? So I put my intro to calculus book in the bottom pillow (I hate math) and started pumping.
I’m thrusting along and I get a bit of a sensation, but it’s not really a ‘good’ feeling and I sorta feel like a dog humping a stuff animal, but either way my energy consuming effort wasn’t getting me anywhere really, so I think to myself “what if the book is supposed to be on the top pillow”. I realize this doesn’t make much sense but one, I couldn’t remember if this was the right way or not, and two my half-horny half panting-self thought it was worth a try. It was slightly painful and was definitely not working, so I go back to bottom pillow technique for a bit but again that fails to arouse me. So what’s next? Both of course! Squeezing in between my physiology book and calculus book was no easy task, christ I can only imagine what my teachers would say, but needless to say the pressure being put on my penis was not something that was very provocative and after a while it was obvious that I wasn’t going to ejaculate, so I sat down in a chair, thought about a cute girl, and finally, for the love of god, spurted my eager seed into a Kleenex.
But you see now, I like to keep my room dark, so I didn’t see what had happened.
I went to my bathroom to clean up, wiped the semen off my shaft, and as usual did what I like to call “cleaning the canal” and started to piss into the toilet. I SWEAR, the millisecond my urine exited the very tip of my penis it felt like the ground was exploding with the force of a hundred hydrogen bombs. It was a deep pain the struck like a lightning bolt thrown by Zeus from the top of mount Olympus straight to and through my crotch. I was kneeling on the floor in a confused agony when fear hit me that I had done something horribly wrong: “wtf did I do to my dick? Do I need emergency care? Will I ever be able to pee again?” was what was racing through my mind. After the pain subsided I rushed over to my pillows turned the light on and saw that there was blood where previously I had be unhappily humping. Instantly I felt two things, one was panic, and two was the brutal knowledge that if any of my friends found out about this the period jokes would be never ending. I looked down at my potentially disabled dick and it looked fine, but on closer inspection there was a very sensitive, very red/pink, spot on the south facing side of the hole to my urethra. Somehow, in my effort to pleasure myself, I had slightly ripped the tip of my penis hole. I spent a good three minutes accepting the impact of my decision. During this acceptance time I decided a shower would help me relax from the trauma and wouldn’t harm my external organ since, logically, the pee must have been acidic and it hitting an exposed part of my penis caused the pain like lemon juice on a paper cut; I was wrong. I let the water heat up and as it did I noticed that my penis was returning to its flaccid form and as that happened I felt more and more of its tenderness, making it uncomfortable to move in general. It was almost as if the books had numbed it from pain while it was in its boner form. I walk into the shower and gently let the warm water flow down my body. When it graced the head of my genitalia pain struck again; this time with a vengeance. It was as if Hades had sent a hell hound from the depths of the earth with teeth made of molten steel grasping at my penis and pulling it towards the underworld. I knelt down in that shower beginning to tear up from the pain when I began to crawl to the edge of the area where I wouldn’t be pelted by burning demon droplets. As soon as I could stand I jumped out of the shower.
This is where I need to make a side note. I’m not clinically OCD, but when it comes to being hygienically clean I am King, and I must be. I cannot stand not taking my nightly shower without applying my cleanser, so I, in my mind, had no choice but to go back into that shower.
I was cold and shivering like a Chihuahua in the arctic, so I needed to think fast so I could get warm and clean without having to endure the wrath of Satan that now assaulted my john at the slightest touch. What do I see right next to the sink? Duck Tape! (don’t ask me why I keep a roll of duck tape in my bathroom) I rip a strand of that marvelous water-proof wonder tape off and I carefully smooth it onto the head of my penis, not realizing the inevitable consequences. I jump back into the shower, do my routine with absolutely no pain, get out, dry off, and then I just stared at it. “Well, shit… this isn’t going to be fun”. I started the process, slow and steady since I was too much of a wuss to do it all at once. The thing is that my now flaccid penis flexed and bent with the duct tape so when I started tugging it, it over stretched making it doubly uncomfortable. “Easy now, easy now” I said. It was coming off with minimal pain, and then the retracting adhesive hit ground zero. FUCKING HELL if you ever rip your dick hole open about a centimeter DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT put fucking duct tape on it! As the retched gooey stuff that makes tape stick was peeled from my head like a weird silver foreskin being not surgically cut, but torn from its home with the resistance of a mother bear from its cub, I screamed at the horrible situation in all its tragedy. The duck tape released its iron grip on my dick and it exhaustingly flopped itself onto my pelvis with a very distinctive pink square where the tape had formerly been.
Luckily My penis made a full recovery within two days and no one found out, so I leave this as lesson to everyone here: Masturbate normally, or find a person to do this freaky stuff with so that you at least can share in the embarrassment of your fucked-up injuries. You won’t have to live knowing that no one knows that you were dumb enough to not only rip open your pee-hole, but duct tape it shut.
TLDR: Tried to masturbate weird, slightly ripped my pee-hole, hurt like hell, put duct tape on it to take shower, had to take duct tape off.
Princess-Seh: Duct tape........why why why???
nebbylittleprick: water proof!
Princess-Seh: But the rip-off must always be taken into consideration!
Youch!
| 4 | 24.5 | |
1396741725 | 1396895763 | t3_22b32c | t5_2to41 | 188 | Murican_Freedom1776: TIFU by going camping, returning home, having a huge meal and having sex [NSFL]
Today I got back from backpacking. I went backpacking for 3 days, all I ate was some pasta. It rained the whole time so starting a fire was out of the question. I ate dry noodles. So when I get home my girlfriend suggest I eat a huge meal so I have energy for a surprise later. So I eat a huge meal. Beans, Eggs, and a grilled cheese sandwich.
Then a little while later she comes out of the bedroom in a sexy outfit. I was instantly turned on and we went at it.
With each inward thrust I could feel the gases building. I tried so hard to hold it in until we were finished. Before I could finish in her, it happened the loudest, nastiest fart ever. But then I felt a liquid starting. I jumped up and started running for the bathroom. "Why the fuck is the bathroom so far away!" I kept thinking. Then as I was running, I felt it. The hot liquid poop started running down my leg on the way to the bathroom. Getting all over the floor.
It gets worse. I round the corner for the bathroom and slip. Like a hot gusher liquid poop goes everywhere. I get up and sit on the toilet. But it's too late. The poop was all over me, and the house. It still smells like shit at this moment.
TL;DR I redecorated my house with liquid poop.
[deleted]: I feel a little silhouetto of a poo,
Scaramouche,scaramouche anus doing the Fandango -
Running and pooping -very very frightening me-
NarWhatGaming: *Galileo!*
darryshan: Galileo! Faeces oh oh oh oh oh!
lorenzo22: He's just a poor boy, trying to get some lovin'. GallaSploosh, GallaSploosh, can you see the feces dangle?
L3ftyrocks89: Oh don't let it go!
id10t_pen15: Let it go!
| 7 | 26.857143 | |
1396740281 | 1397005000 | t3_22b139 | t5_2to41 | 44 | dogfunky: TIFU by forgetting to BCC and revealed hundreds of email addresses
Yeah, this is another forgetting to BCC story. But this is for business, my small startup that I run with a friend.
Two months ago we hosted a few giveaways on reddit to promote our kickstarter. Asked people to fill out a form and after a few days we'd pick a winner. So we emailed the winners. Sent out their prize. And everything was good.
Jump forward to April 1st. I emailed our backers that even though we didn't get enough funding, they can still buy our product through our website. I decided to also email everyone who entered our contest as well. Over one thousand email addresses. I copied everyone's email address and pasted it into BCC. Google says that if more than 500 recipients are listed, it'll be flagged as spam. Delete them all, go back, highlight email addresses 1-499, paste into the email and send it off.
"Oh fuck....."
Didn't paste it into BCC. Right away we got a flood of emails. Everyone is pissed off. I felt nauseous. I got so worked up that I asked my buddy to take over while I try not to throw up. He sent out an apology email right away to everyone affected.
Everyone has been demanding our product for free as compensation. As much as I'd love to do that, we don't have the money. It would cost thousands of dollars. It's just John and myself. Both working regular full time jobs with bills to pay. We work on projects together in our (limited) spare time.
We truly are very, very sorry. I would never intentionally compromise email accounts, much less potential customers. I hope anyone who was affected and is upset sees this and realizes that honest mistakes happen to honest people.
I don't really know how to make this right. We've laid low since the apology email. There's several people still keeping the email thread going. They kinda made light of it by emailing pictures of their cats to everyone.
Sorry, this kinda turned into a TIFU/offmychest post, but it's been really bothering me.
ccck46: How about something like free shipping or coupon?
dogfunky: We already offer free shipping. I thought about a discount, but think people are just so pissed that they'd rather have nothing to do with us so we're writing it off as lost customers. It makes me sick, but that's the way it goes
ThatsNotGucci: No dude, offer the discount. If you lose them anyway at least you look better since you tried to make it right. If you get some customers you get some customers.
dogfunky: Yeah, you're right. I'll try to write something up in the next few days.
swordfishtrombonez: The coupon code could be BCC
dogfunky: Haha nice one
| 7 | 6.285714 | |
1396782142 | 1396822130 | t3_22c5rz | t5_2to41 | 1,301 | lollygaggler: TIFU by farting in the parking garage, startling a young mother and child
In the parking lot, I "let one go". Obviously, I misjudged the audio value of that expulsion of gas, and since it was a parking garage where acoustics cause such utterances to resonate, I startled the poor the lady unloading her child from the back of her van. Anonymous lady in the underground parking garage at my apartment complex: I apologize for scaring you with my spontaneous butt-shout. Good day, ma'am.
14novakj: >scaring you with my spontaneous butt-shout
I lost it there.
Edit: Grammar, because apparently early morning Reddit does not lend itself to the English language.
thatonekidnj: I am now adding this to the list of new things I will say this year.
payneforpleasure: Can you elaborate this list?
thatonekidnj: Sure can! It's short so far but it is getting there MAYBE and the end of the year I'll do an AMA with my list!
-butt shout.
-penis milk.
-yesteryear.
-front butt.
-using the phrase "ballon knot" as a description for a butt hole.
-butt barf
It's still growing...this will be something to look forward to. I'll keep posting my updated list.
EDIT: I'll take suggestions.
EDIT2: Added another thing to the list
EDIT3: list update.
okmkz: "Gunt" is my favorite variation of the "front butt" concept.
thatonekidnj: WOAH. Hold the phone.
Explain where Gunt is derived from.
NarWhatGaming: What is he? Wikipedia? :P
noodlebuckets: No, he's [etymonline.com™](http://etymonline.com/index.php?allowed_in_frame=0&search=gunt&searchmode=none)
elmorte: That's, uh, completely unuseful...I wonder if you even checked the link you posted. I mean, why random person on the internet?
noodlebuckets: It was a stupid joke that I'd have to explain and make even unfunnier. Above, "thatonekidnj" asked what the word "gunt" is derived from. Etymology is the study of the origin of words, and etymonline is more specialized for that kind of thing than wikipedia.
^^Clearly ^^neither ^^of ^^the ^^two ^^were ^^useful ^^for ^^this, ^^and ^^urbandictionary ^^would've ^^made ^^more ^^sense.
^^^^^small ^^^^^text ^^^^^is ^^^^^so ^^^^^randum ^^^^^xD
elmorte: Well, I hope you learnt your lesson and we can put this behind us.
| 12 | 108.416667 | |
1396789568 | 1396908831 | t3_22cbe6 | t5_2to41 | 256 | vikingnurse: TIFU by blaming farts on a patient
So, this happened when I was a nursing student working at the ICU along with my studies.
I was training an awful lot at that times (up to 8-9sessions/wk), and therefore eating a LOT of protein shakes, chicken, beans and such in order to maintain+gain some weight, resulting in an augmented rate of foul-smelling, frown-inducing flatulence.
Well, between training sessions and long hours at the uni, I spent most of my time at the ICU, working 12-16 hour shifts. Offcourse said flatulence didn´t stop on my shifts, so I had to find some way to do it without being noticed as toilet breaks were limited in the busy ward and I didn´t want to be known as nurse Flatulence Southerngale (sorry for the awful distortion of Nightingale´s name).
So, being a top-class student and a bright young chap (or at least I thought so), I came up with the perfect solution: Farting close to patients with gastrointestinal problems and/or farting when we were turning the patients on their sides (left side was my fav), therefore "blaming" the farts on the patients, since no one bat an eye because of smell as that is a normal part of the job. Sometimes someone would mention the smell though, and I normally just replied by a casual "meh, a bit of a southern gale? Be nothing wrong with that"..
This went on for a couple of months and I thought my masterplan was successful, until one day a senior colleague of mine walks up to me and says:
"vikingnurse, this can´t go on any longer".
The startled me looks at her with puppy eyes and asks what was going on..
"seriously dude, you just can´t keep farting and not think everyone is noticing".
-"but but but.... ´Twas the patient?"
"vikingnurse.... this patient has Ileus.. so have alot of other patients you´ve tried to blame your farts on. Everyone knows. So, put a cork in it, or go elsewhere to stink".
(for the non-medical readers: Ileus = lack of/total block of gastrointestinal movement, in many/most cases presenting with e.g. lack of flatulence, therefore the patient can´t/won´t fart in many/most cases http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ileus ).
tl;dr: Tried to blame my farts on patients, got busted because medicine
OneShotHelpful: THEN WHERE ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO FART?
vikingnurse: nowadays i just go to the medicine room and fart there. Nice and quiet, and if someone asks, I was just blending some antibiotics
blobber109: Should antibiotics smell like festered shit?
vikingnurse: hah, one of them smells like cat piss (Fortum - if anyone has ever made the rookie mistake of mixing it the wrong way and gotten splashed in the face with it then they´ll remember that smell forever) and some other medications just smell awful....maybe not like festered shit, but close
blobber109: 'I swear! This will make you better!!'
| 6 | 42.666667 | |
1396810210 | 1396816101 | t3_22d1o0 | t5_2to41 | 11 | realizmbass: TIFU by almost killing my mother.
Recently, a lot of my friends have been having a giggle about shooting squirrels and rabbits in their backyards with bb guns. When I was around 10 or so, I had this bb gun but the magnet in the chamber broke, so I just put it under my bed until I figured I would fix it. Now, 6 years later, after hearing these hilarious stories of my friends killing rodents, I wanted to fix it.
So I grabbed my dad who has some neat equipment in the basement for... fixing things... and took apart the gun. This is where things heat up.
We took the gun apart on the counter. Now, we know where the problem was, the magnet ofc, but the air pump was getting pretty sketchy, so we decided to take the barrel off as well and expose the pump and air compressing part.
I have the pump in my hands and am looking at it because I'm a curious teenager. These are some of the parts if you haven't seen the inside of a pump for a bb gun: http://i.imgur.com/5Xar6T0.jpg (relevant)
atm, my mom is washing dishes to the right and behind me.
I want to know how it works, so I lift the pump, and as I close the pump again, a piece flies out of the barrel, in the reverse direction (it went behind me and to the right because of the orientation I was holding it). It was the piece next to the springy part in the picture. It came flying out at (presumably) 2-300 fps since the gun shoots bb's at ~900. My mom just happened to be in the direction it launched, but the piece flew *just* to the left of her, bounced off the window, and landed on the floor. If that had hit the back of her head, I might not have a mom right now.
This happened about 15 minutes ago. I guess I should've taken pictures of the stuff but it's already out in the garage. Yolo.
edit: i accidently a word
A_Fukn_Scientist: I think your mom would have lived. Airsoft guns shoot up to 400 or so fps. She wouldn't have been happy and would have had a mean bruise/blood, but she would have pulled through.
Edit: spelling
DTorakhan: And who are you to diagnose, a fukn sci... I withdraw my statement, good sir.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1396823585 | 1396830288 | t3_22dm0q | t5_2to41 | 75 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally sending this lovely piece of fanfiction to my friend's mom...
"Sonic plunged his manhood into Tail's rear crevice, and repeatedly started thrusting into his behind. Suddenly, a rocket ship flew out of Sonic's cock. The rocket flew into Tail's ass and blasted his internal organs apart. When his stomach was ruptured, Tails raised his head and barfed acidic vomit into the sky, landing on Sonic's head.
The acid burned through Sonic's scalp and ate even into his skull, exposing Sonic's brain. Sonic yelled and ripped his cock off in Tail's ass. Tails screamed in delight and ejaculated so hard that the cum flew out at 300 miles per hour, blasting through the wall of their house.
Sonic put his hand in Tail's ass to retrieve his penis. Saddam suddenly opened the door, ripped off his mustache and put his dick in Tail's mouth. While this happened, Saddam pulled out an R. Kelly CD and put it on their CD player.
...
....
...Sonic swallowed and farted Saddam's dick right out of his sloppy gaping ass cavern. The rubbery cock bounced all around the room, and finally wound up penetrating Tail's eye and socket. Saddam stroked his detached penis until it came, bursting through Tails' head and into a nearby conveniently placed barrel of gunpowder. An enormous explosion went off within the house, causing it to fly upwards into the sky.
The house landed in Mexico, and everyone got out of the house and had an orgy with the natives. It was the best vacation ever."
THE END
yumyum2222: Well, that's certainly interesting. How did things turn out after you sent it?
petarmarinov37: Thankfully not too bad as far as I can tell. But I haven't spoken to her yet. Her daughter (my friend) texted me "my mother is not amused."
yumyum2222: Could've turned out a lot worse! You should update if anything happens after you talk to her
| 4 | 18.75 | |
1396819982 | 1396840630 | t3_22dgn8 | t5_2to41 | 39 | [deleted]: TIFU by falling into the bathtub while taking a dump and breaking my laptop screen
BACKGROUND STORY: Well I'm strange, and when I go for a crap, I stand on the toilet seat and squat (Weird I know, but it's much easier for me as I have bad constipation a lot) And my laptop was resting on my sink while I was on Reddit.
So while I was just finishing and about to wipe, I dropped the toilet roll into the bathtub, and it was just out of arms length, so instead of standing up and getting it, I decided to just hold onto the sink and reach further. This resulted in me falling face first into bathtub and while mid fall I grabbed onto my laptop, resulting in it smashing onto the floor. And to make things better, after this had happened, my Mum just came home and I obviously had to come out of the bathroom, she saw I had blood dripping from my nose and that my laptop was smashed. After I told her what happened she couldn't stop laughing.
TLDR - Dropped toilet roll into bath, tried to grab it, slipped and while falling, broke laptop & smashed face into bath resulting in bleeding nose, then Mum came home and laughed at me.
mercury996: You are lucky that is all that happened!
Don't ever squat/stand on the toilet seat while using the restroom!
http://www.documentingreality.com/forum/f149/toilet-seat-slices-ass-cheeks-82975/index5.html
ProPuke: somewhat nsfl
mercury996: sorry, didn't think to mark it as such for those who want to avoid gore...
| 4 | 9.75 | |
1396829213 | 1396854243 | t3_22du2x | t5_2to41 | 1,285 | forrman17: TIFU by nearly sending a schoolbus into a ditch by farting.
Back in my middle school days I had a lot of digestive problems which later turned out to be Crohn's disease. During this particular month, my body decide to produce the most potently putrid farts imaginable that *lingered* for up to 5 minutes.
The setting: a schoolbus full of innocent middle schoolers oblivious to the imminent destruction that is my butt burp. I was sitting two seats from the back of the bus ('cause that's where the cool kids sat) when my stomach began to rumble. Not being able to hold it in, I released the beast and to my satisfaction, it caused no noise whatsoever. Smelling it immediately, I made no sign of it until the right moment. Finally the kid at the very back said something, which set off the chain reaction I was waiting for. I made it known that I smelled it as well. Because of my patience, the kid sitting opposite of the guy who smelled it "first" got the blame.
Oh, but it wasn't over...I watched in grotesque satisfaction as the waft traveled toward the front of the bus. Kids left and right gagged and held their noses. To my horror, it didn't stop halfway, but continued like a wild animal to the bus driver. I'll never forget her intitial expression of confusion, fear, and disgust. Instinctively, she raised one of her hands to her nose to protect whatever smelling ability she still retained, while the other hand kept to the wheel. It was in the middle of winter and we were approaching a particularly nasty corner in the road.
The bus slid! With enough momentum that it felt like the bus would stand on its two tires. The bus driver gagged and put both hands on the wheel to correct her mistake. For the next 5 minutes, she was green in the face, along with the rest of the bus, as she made the last stops on the route.
As I stepped off, I felt the mixed feelings of pride and fear of the power I was capable of. I smiled to the now lifelessly drained bus driver and thanked her.
xJayer: I feel like there should be a seperate sub for past fuck ups, they're just too much posts about them to grant the title "TIFU"
pressuretobear: R/ifuo
xJayer: exactly
pressuretobear: I would start it, but even though I think I am power-mad, I am a lazy fuck if I am not paid and not fueled by righteous fury.
xJayer: I've tried being a mod a while back on a different account, but I was lazy so it didn't work out.
pressuretobear: It seems like it has far too much potential to take off. "You fucked up once and didn't shit yourself, GO!"
xJayer: Yeah, I dont think it would be as big as this subreddit though, because people post here for recent fuckups. Can't really post an old fuckup unless if you remember it...
pressuretobear: Sometimes you just need time to appreciate the magnitude of a fuck up, and time also detaches one from their complicity in said fuck up.
| 9 | 142.777778 | |
1396828468 | 1396838123 | t3_22dsz1 | t5_2to41 | 62 | [deleted]: Im sick. He's Indian.
MystreyRedditor: I don't get it. someone care to explain?
ferthur: If memory serves, the US government gave polio infected supplies to the Indians, as a way to reduce their population, way back in like the early or mid 1800s.
| 3 | 20.666667 | |
1396834982 | 1396941012 | t3_22e2cf | t5_2to41 | 32 | [deleted]: TIFU by sleeping with the girl of my dreams.
(TL;DR at bottom)
10* (Not 8. I'm 20, fuck math) years ago, I was in 5th grade, and spent my pre-school hours at a daycare. There was a girl there, Megan, that was a super bitch to me. However, 4 years later, I fell for her. Hard. But Megan had a boyfriend, so I got together with another girl, and this relationship lasted 3 years. Megan, however, got in and out of relationships. Every time Megan became single, I considered leaving my then girlfriend for Megan. But I didn't. After I ended my three year relationship, I moved out of state for college. Megan was still a senior in high school. Over Christmas vacation for me, I visited her, and we fooled around a little bit. Nothing serious, honestly just cuddling and kissing. We both agreed that the distance between us was too much, so nothing came of it. Fast forward to last Monday. I've been living at home, transitioning between schools, and I learned that the school I am transferring to happens to be the same one Megan goes to. So, on Monday, Megan invited me to spend Saturday night with her, after I got off of work. So 5 o'clock on Saturday rolls around, and I drive to the college, 45 minutes away. Now, some background.
The reason I am transitioning schools is because I got really into drinking and pot at my old school, and my depression was out of control. So I left and came home, and have been sober ever since. Megan changed all of that.
When I got there, Megan asked me if I would drink with her. I denied for a while, but eventually gave in. I didn't want to disappoint her, I really wanted this to work. So, 8 months of sobriety down the drain. As the night when on, things got more and more, well, heated. She mentioned the possibility of sex, but since we had been drinking, I quickly shut her down. That, and I wanted that, and I wanted things to work out between us, and sex would more than likely ruin that. (My parents were both plastered the night they had me, and because of their stupidity, I don't know who my mother is, my Dad didn't know about me for 6 years. So, I refuse to sleep with girls after either of us has had anything to drink.)
Eventually, we go to bed. I'm pretty drunk, and I think she is too. She starts asking me to have sex with her. Begging, pleading. I'm so drunk that eventually I give in, and we have sex. I go to bed, and think everything is all well and good.
Today, I was supposed to work at 10:45. I woke up at 9 to get ready, but she pulled me back into bed and told me to call in sick. I refused, and tried to get up, but she pulled me back down. "Please? For me? I'll miss you so much..." so, I call in. After that, we fall back asleep. When we get up, she's cold. Distant. I ask what's wrong, she says nothing. I asked if she was hungover. "No, I only had one beer." The day goes on, things get better, she warms up. She says we should go get high, and we do. 8 months of sobriety, down the drain. After that, we're both really high, and we go back to her room. She leaves to go see her mom for an hour, and I decide to wait til she gets back so we can get dinner. While I was waiting, her roommate came back. Good friend of mine from high school. We chat, and I tell her about my night. She gets very quiet, and seems quite upset. She tells me "Isaiah... she told all of us that she was going to get you drunk so she could fuck you, but that she refused to ever date you. Even if she did, she has cheated on all of her boyfriends, ever."
Megan comes home. I confront her. She confirms, but acts like it wasn't a big deal. Smiles and laughs as she talks about cheating on her exes. Then she drops this: "Well, I really don't want a relationship right now. I just want to party and fuck random people. But, I still expect you to come visit me every weekend, okay? This summer we'll get together."
Needless to say, I left.
TL;DR: I broke my sobriety of 8 months, broke my number one rule of morality for myself, had sex with the girl of my dreams, just to find out she was using me for sex. Fucked up thing is, I'm not even attractive.
*EDIT* Fuck math.
ThisTooShallPass14: You're looking at this all wrong. First, you had sex with your dream girl. That's a win. The fact that her...current goals don't align with yours is unfortunate, but I get the feeling they never will be, so just remember that you saved yourself from a long rocky relationship that would very likely have ended poorly.
The fact that you're unhappy that you fucked up your sober streak says alot about your dedication to the idea of staying sober, and it isn't like you just gave in instantly. You fought the good fight, but let's face it, when sex with a girl you're focused on at the moment is on the table, you're gonna lose that battle 9 times out of 10.
Dresden127: She wasn't my dream fuck though. Hell, she was a 7 out of 10, at best. Not bad, but nothing to dream about. She was my dream girlfriend. I'm going to be honest, (mostly because I caved and am spending the next few days tripping fucking balls on ADHD meds) I am a very irrational being. I've got a bunch of different disorders from a bunch of past traumas, blah blah blah, but it boils down to me being completely irrational with my emotions, thoughts, and feelings. So yeah, when I wanted to be with her, I thought that I would finally have everything I wanted to be happy, for the time that I was with her. After that, I figured I'd find something else.
ThisTooShallPass14: But...you WERE with her for a time, as short as it may have been. And if you've thought about yourself enough to know how your past affects your thought process I would imagine your emotions and thoughts aren't nearly as much of a problem as your feelings. Feelings are pretty wild, but you can work through them pretty well by having a sensible non-bias review of the facts most of the time. In this instance, my advice is to aprreciate the good and let the bad go.
Dresden127: I'm trying. I am. It's just that sobriety seems scary right now. When I'm sober, I'm gonna hurt. But while I'm high, I'm really fucking confused.
| 5 | 6.4 | |
1396833140 | 1397229276 | t3_22dzrm | t5_2to41 | 57 | [deleted]: TIFU by fapping... too loudly
My mom never sleeps at night, it's not just insomnia, she's totally unpredictable - like a psychopath. Anyway, one night I tried to fap in peace, I was like "Eh, no one's up". Let the shame begin.
After a while, I kept hearing footsteps past my room door. "Abort mission!"
The next day, I had a long talk with my sister, I was saying how I was worried about my mom's health since she never sleeps. My family has just been worried in general. Then my sister says "Yeah, she woke me up at like four in the morning".
I asked "Why?"
My sister replies, "She asked me if I heard anything that sounded like someone masturbating"
I said "What?"
My sister said "Nevermind."
My fapping caused my mom to wake up my sister. I've been trying to quit fapping for a while (I just want to help get rid of depersonalization/brain fog) - but yeah, I'm totally motivated now.
fredinvisible: Why the hell would she wake your sister up‽
[deleted]: She's crazy
Jake482: Maybe it wasn't your Mom walking around, but rather your sister.
| 4 | 14.25 | |
1396838114 | 1396891928 | t3_22e70l | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU by assuming a hispanic didn't know english
So today I wanted directions so I asked a hispanic looking guy (in America) doesn't sound so bad does it? except the way I started to ask him: "Oi mate, Do you speak American?" I have no clue Why I assumed he didn't or why I called english american or even why I said oi or mate. I'm kinda awkward.
lostdeceiver: I'm Hispanic and some people assume that I don't speak Spanish.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
ajfancypants: \\
lostdeceiver: I tried. Doesn't show up.
Booty_Bumping: Do two backslashes for one slash:
"\\" turns into \
"\\\\" turns into \\
lostdeceiver: Thank you
| 6 | 3.5 | |
1396843391 | 1396938624 | t3_22eebg | t5_2to41 | 250 | obsceneonetwo: TIFU by pissing on the girl I've had a crush on all year
I have had a crush on this girl since the beginning of last semester and recently we started hanging out. Last night we went out drinking and dancing. We were with my friends, but it was the first time we went out *together*.
The night was going stellar. We danced, flirted, kissed a little bit. It was everything I could have hoped for. We get in the cab to go home and she says to me "is it alright if I sleep at your house?" Of course it is alright if she sleeps at my house.
We get home, my roommates go to bed, and we go in my room. We hook up and then we change into some basketball shorts. Time to hit the sack. Man, what a great night, the best night of my life.
I wake up at 6 AM, she is gone, and I am sleeping in a puddle of my own piss. I was so drunk I pissed on the girl of my dreams. I texted her and she doesn't seem upset, but I am pretty certain I fucked this one up good.
T3hBau5: If she was gone when you woke up then it's her piss.
obsceneonetwo: The more I think about it, the more I am questioning if it was actually me or not. The world may never know...
FAP-FOR-BRAINS: well, did you have to piss when you woke up?
obsceneonetwo: I really can't remember if I pissed when I woke up or not. I'm sure I did though, because I was still pretty drunk. I drank a lot Saturday night. I just assumed it was me.
FAP-FOR-BRAINS: not to be a Lecturing Lisa, but I quit drankin a bit over a year ago--no more beds shall be pissed. Not today, hopefully not tomorrow.
obsceneonetwo: i really like drinkin, though...
FAP-FOR-BRAINS: just wait til you hit yer mid-40s, sonny. Enjoy (?) it while you can.
| 8 | 31.25 | |
1396876018 | 1396971991 | t3_22f7bf | t5_2to41 | 94 | iwillcallyoudude: TIFU by waking up sick and going to the office anyway
Woke up feeling like death this morning. Sneezing, coughing, chills, just overall misery. I was going to call in sick to work, but I am taking the second half of the week off already and have a rather important project in process that I really need to make some progress on.
Now I am at the office, still feeling like shit, sneezing, coughing, sniffling, blowing my nose, disturbing my coworkers and just generally being a loud sickly nuisance to everyone around me, which I try to avoid at all costs because I fucking hate when other people pull this shit. I cannot stand to listen to someone shnurfling all day, it makes me crazy. unfortunately, I am the shnurfler today and can only assume that it is presently driving my coworkers crazy. Plus, since I am not feeling well, my energy and is sapped and I do not have the motivation to do much other than sit here and waste time until I can go home and I have only been here for a half hour.
Ericovich: I feel total empathy for you.
Ive been sick for 2 days, but I used up my entire years worth of vacation days earlier in the year when I was hospitalized multiple times for Kidney Stones.
Basically Im not allowed to get sick until next January.
KoreaNinjaBJJ: What? You have to use vacation days when you are sick? Where are you living? The soviet union anno 1954?
Ericovich: We get 10 days total off a year. That's it.
KoreaNinjaBJJ: Again. I really must urge american people to form or join unions if you want better rights! In Denmark we get 5 weeks of vacation as a minimum (that is normal and I don't know about anyone who has more). Paid! And when we call in sick, we get minimum wage for that day. Well it all depends on the profession and which deal the union has made.
Ericovich: In most private American companies, talking about Unionizing is a fireable offense.
Unions...hahaha...maybe my Grandfathers generation.
KoreaNinjaBJJ: Yes, I have heard. That would be against the constitution in Denmark. I don't know the American constitution by heart, but don't you have something about the right to form groups or associations?
I don't get how your country is run. From outsider it really doesn't look like a democracy half the time.
Ericovich: Our Constitution was written before industrialization. Unions didnt exist then.
It used to be different. During the 1980s/1990s I remember my parents having great benefits, then towards the Mid-2000s there was a change in attitude when the economy went tits up.
Jobs were a privilege to have. Workers were disposable. We took less and less until we had nothing, and we were happy to have nothing, because it paid for a roof over our heads, food, and American conspicuous consumption.
Didnt mean to rant...Im turning 30 soon and our Generation Y got *fucked*.
KoreaNinjaBJJ: So nothing to protect workers or the forming of unions, associations or any assemblies? That is a CRUCIAL part of democracy in most of the world. When that is lacking from a constitution, I have no clue on how USA can call themselves a democracy or tries be be a frontrunner for it.
Ericovich: We have basic laws concerning safety and such. Government oversight into regulation on operations.
But as workers, we have no assembly. My coworkers are strangers to me. We have no solidarity of any kind. If anything, they're competitors for my own job.
Its American individualism vs collective security, and the backlash against collective security as Socialist is great enough that its never taken seriously, at least in this generation. Unions are thought of as political pawns in the system, not any sort of worker movement.
KoreaNinjaBJJ: Well, I know unions have been corrupted organisations in the US or at least have a name for it. But that is no reason to abandon them or not join them if you want better rights. Workers, manual or career jobs, will NOT get better rights if they don't form some form of unions.
Employers are not just going to give better pay, social security, health care (provided by the state and not employers in a lot of countries), and so on. It is not profitable.
If people don't want to better themselves. I mean fine. Work cheaper and don't get what they deserve while being raped by rich people who don't give a fuck about you. But I just don't want to hear people whining about it.
No one is going to fight for the workers... besides the workers.
| 11 | 8.545455 | |
1396886569 | 1396925699 | t3_22fmq3 | t5_2to41 | 721 | WhydoIhavetocheapout: TIFU by purchasing cheap clothes.
This happened a few years back, but I hope you'll appreciate it.
I pretty much live and die in [leggings](http://imgur.com/phTPLcD), but they're not the most endurant of clothes so I often have to replace them. To get good quality ones, it usually costs me around £10 a pair.
One of my best friends was having a birthday party, so I decided to go shopping for something to wear. I wandered into Primark (A really cheap clothing shop, that doesn't have the best of reputations) for the first time since I was a 14 year old girl, and saw that they had leggings for only £3 a pair. I grabbed a bunch of them and continued on with my day.
The day of the birthday party came, I got dressed. Nothing fancy, some leggings a top and a cardigan. (I'll also add in here that it was my 'time of the month' at that point as well, and I was wearing a pad). I go to the party get drunk and do the normal kind of stuff.
At some point in the evening, everyone decided it would be a great idea to pile up on this one drunk guy who had passed out. I was the last one to jump on to the pile, and someone took a bunch of photos of us. I thought nothing of it and carried on with the night.
Next day, I check my Facebook to see loads of photos from the party. There's one with a bunch of comments and likes and shares on it, I jump straight to it.
It's the picture of all of us bundling on the passed out guy, why is this getting so much attention?
I read through the comments and see that they're referring to see through leggings. I scroll back up, and look at the photo a bit more carefully.
What I didn't notice about my super great, super cheap leggings was that they go see through when they stretch.
In the picture, you can see right through my leggings, you can see my ass, and then of course my pad overhanging my pants, and in addition to that I have a birth mark on my bum that in this photo looked more like a splodge of shit or blood.
Way to go me, for cheaping out.
This was years ago now, and I still get it brought up to me at every social occasion.
**TL;DR: Got cheap leggings, wore them to party, people took photo's, leggings were see through, everyone saw my bum, sanitary towel and my unfortunately placed birthmark. All on Facebook. *STILL*. **
Edit: Someone requested a photo. I don't want to put the worse one up, but here is another that shows how bad it was. http://imgur.com/DTLPh1d
nandosman: What am I looking at in that picture?
That sucks, but most likely I would be mad at whoever uploaded the pic.
WhydoIhavetocheapout: http://imgur.com/Fas8s3Y - Does this help?
Bobosaurus: To be honest, after the big play up of the butt shot of the pad picture you posted doesn't really live up to the story.
WhydoIhavetocheapout: I stated in the post that the photo posted isn't the one i'm talking about, I can't post that one. It was just an example of how thin they were.
mustangwolf1997: Forgive me, OP. But nobody can see.
[So I fucked around with the brightness and contrast.](http://i.imgur.com/EAPA6lf.png)
mommy2libras: Lol. That doesn't really look like a pad. It looks like OP has a tail.
Sorry OP.
Pentaphraxis: As stated by OP, this isn't the pad photo, just an example.
| 8 | 90.125 | |
1396886267 | 1396902613 | t3_22fm7y | t5_2to41 | 36 | [deleted]: TIFU by not clearing out my backpack
So yesterday I met up with a friend of mine. I ended up obtaining a few grams of cannabis to hold me over until the end of the school year. After coming back to my dorm, I set my backpack (with the bud in it) on my bedroom floor and go on with the rest of my day.
This morning I was in a bit of a rush so I just loaded my bigger backpack pocket with books. As I traveled on my way to my first class, I remembered I needed a book out of my backpack. So I flipped it around and cracked it open to grab it. "Huh", I think to myself, "it kind of smells skunky out here"...
SHIT. I have my purchase from yesterday still sitting in my backpack!
I have 3 classes to go to before I am able to get back to my dorm, and now I have to do it with my bag loaded with contraband. For the next 5 hours I am at the mercy of my somewhat stinky bag. Fuck me.
tetrahydrocanada: Just a bit of weed dude, you'll be fine. Even if you were caught, the slap on the wrist you'd get wouldn't even qualify as a Fuck up imo.
daradpty: My boyfriend was arrested by campus police and they threatened to kick me out of school because he had weed and paraphernalia. I know it was a lot more than this kid had, but all schools are different with how they handle it.
tetrahydrocanada: Fair enough, just compared to some of the "got busted" stories from /r/trees this story is very tame, bit of paranoia nothing more. There was recently a photo that was taken of someones weed jar that fell out of a bag that smashed on the floor, during an exam! That's fucking up right there.
daradpty: Damn. I think everyone would be safer just keeping weed away from backpacks at all times. Ha. Except when my boyfriend was caught we were in our house and they got a warrant because when I opened the door to leave my neighbor saw him smoking. Who rats in a shitty apartment in a college town? Oh well.
| 5 | 7.2 | |
1396898416 | 1396961875 | t3_22g7be | t5_2to41 | 18 | articletosew: "TIFU"Told my friends new boyfriend that her soon to be ex is dangerous and for him to keep an eye out....
At a party the other night and it was the first time I met him. I know she is really happy and it was not my intention to get involved or harm this relationship. He asked and I was honest. I was drunk so I do not know the whole conversation but when she called to talk to me I stood by everything I said. He was a VERY abusive husband and texts her non stop and has been violent with her. I do think both my friend and hr new boyfriend should be careful til more time passes. I was by her side over the process of her leaving him and the many nights of tears and fear that she had. She said her new boyfriend is upset with me and she is too. Reddit tell me ...how much do I suck??
articletosew: No I swear that is it. She is scared he will break up with her I guess. I should have said that in the post.
tammerlian: Tell him to grow a pair and stand his ground and teach her ex what happens when your an asshole to women
Dinosoarman: That's sexist. There are abusive women too you know. :/
Your comment is like saying 'Women are incapable of defending themselves.'
tammerlian: I know there are, i wasnt trying to be sexist. In this case though it was the boyfriend. And it depends on the woman
| 5 | 3.6 | |
1396898112 | 1396909758 | t3_22g6rt | t5_2to41 | 75 | procrastination_plus: TIFU ... My friend thought I was interested in a white power band from the 70s.
There's a guy who does awesome remixes under the name RAC (Remix Artist Collective) and is finally releasing original music. He's got a concert in my area coming up, so I posted a link to the ticket sales and tagged a couple of my friends to invite them to come with me.
The problem is, the link isn't very clear or specific, and only has RAC with the relevant ticket information.
So one of my friends looked up "RAC" to figure out what kind of concert it is. Guess what she found and publicly replied with?
"Rock Against Communism (RAC) started out as series of white power rock concerts in the United Kingdom in the late 1970s, and is also a name for the subsequent music genre.[1][2] Rock Against Communism lyrics typically feature nationalist and neo-Nazi politics (and by extension anti-semitism and racism)[3]alongside anti-communist and anti-leftist themes."
Fuck. No.
I tried to do damage control, but I haven't heard back yet. This misunderstanding is going to come back and bite me in the ass, I guarantee it.
TIFU by not being specific enough about my concert interests.
kirkkismet: that just sounds like a simple misunderstanding. easily fixed by posting the correct term
or you could go neo-nazi and trash as many nationalities as possible
KoreanJesusPleasures: I agree. Just go out the neo-nazi route, more effective.
| 3 | 25 | |
1396906035 | 1397161049 | t3_22gkqc | t5_2to41 | 36 | peanutismint: TIFU by accidentally making 'Miley Cyrus Face' at my job interviewers.
Went for a job interview at a pretty big tech firm. All the way there in the car I could feel this really painful sore or something on the side of my tongue. I didn’t know what it was or if it would be visible to others, so as I walked around to enter the front door I tried to get a good look at it in the reflection of the mirrored glass on the outside wall of the building. Turns out the ‘mirrored glass’ was actually the external wall of the room where interviews were taking place, so I basically spent about 30 seconds making [Miley Cyrus Face](http://media.philly.com/images/073013-miley-600.jpg) at my interviewers before my session took place. They didn’t say anything about it but from the general atmosphere in the room I’m pretty sure it’s a 'no'.
EL_CAVEMAN: If it makes you feel better I would have a good laugh at that, and hire you on the spot! ;)
peanutismint: Haha thanks, I wasn't really expecting to get the job so it's worth the laughs/future anecdotal cache!
attilad: Next interview, you can thank them for not having a mirrored wall.
| 4 | 9 | |
1396911381 | 1396945884 | t3_22gtoi | t5_2to41 | 1,079 | --Aja--: TIFU by turning on the windshield wipers to get rid of a spider but my window was open and the bastard flew in and hit me in the face
smallkidbigcity: I've done something similar except the spider was on the dash and i tried to flick him out the open window. The wind caught him and he flew straight back in and hit me in the chest then fell to my lap. Damn near punched myself in the dick trying to get rid of him.
SasoDuck: You... willingly touched it?
directmusic94: I'm sure he's willingly touched his dick before.
stewie1581: True. But I'm surprised that spiders on dicks isn't a fetish by now.
MelJoKi11: Rule34
stewie1581: No. NO NO NO. I've officially noped out of that sub enough times to know better. Nice try /u/MelJoki11
MelJoKi11: AGREED!
| 8 | 134.875 | |
1396918022 | 1396929351 | t3_22h4mk | t5_2to41 | 75 | nearlyTIFU: TI(almost)FU - In response to the 'TIFU by showing my dick on Chatroulette' thread
So this is a one and done account, just thought some people might be interested in my story that was almost the same as /u/bagatell's. Never told this story to anyone before and hope I'm not violating community rules or anything. Anyways, here goes:
I was 18 years old, visiting my parents in Asia. As a horny ass jackass of a teenager, I got scammed in a similar fashion. My mistake was to use my real skype account so it was really fucking easy to find my facebook and obtain my friends list.
After negotiating from some crazy amount, we settled on a $200 payment to remove the video from youtube. I told the scammer that I would pay the amount if he/she (no fucking clue, dont care but assuming male haha) would give me proof that they made every step that I requested to remove the video from their computer as well.
I paid the scammer via a western union money order - and proved somehow that I wasnt lying about the transaction. The scammer shared his screen as I saw him remove the video from youtube as well as clear it from his hard drive. I spent quite a while asking the scammer to do different searches on his computer to make sure there were no lingering video files on the computer. Obviously it could've been backed up somewhere else, but that was the risk I was taking.
Now another problem that arose was that as an 18 year old, I didnt have a private bank account, hence the western union order came from a shared account with my parents. I had to devise a story to explain to my parents where that money was going - which was pretty fucking.
Anyways as soon as I got done with the scammer, I called my bank account, told them that I FUCKED UP HARD and had them cancel the money order. They chalked it up as a fraudulent charge and said it would take 3-5 days for the money to come back - which thankfully it did. Meanwhile when my parents asked, I made up some story about how there was a mistake made by the bank, I'd already talked to them and the money would be back in a couple days. Obviously my parents pressed, I tried to make some shit up, but eventually said that the bank said it was a mistake on their end and I wasnt exactly sure what happened - regardless the money would be back. If not, we could investigate further.
So a day or two later, the scammer messaged me (I hadn't blocked him yet just to be sure) and told me that Western Union said that the order was cancelled threatened that he still had the video and would be sending it to all my contacts. I asked for proof, he continued to threaten me. At this point I was sure he didnt have shit so I blocked him and have been living happily ever after.
dkboomz: You sir, deserve a cookie.
nearlyTIFU: I'd settle for one.
| 3 | 25 | |
1396920490 | 1396971207 | t3_22h8n0 | t5_2to41 | 742 | DAt42: TIFU by borrowing an insult off of reddit.
Saw an AskReddit post the other day about the best insults and decided to try one out today.
*Me and my friends always have fake fights*
Friend: "What's the matter, can't think of anything to say?"
Me: "I just need some time to get my comeback off your mom's face."
*Friend looks completely stunned as I begin to remember his mom was an abusive drug addict that left him when he was like 7 years old.*
Yup, I'm an asshole
NotAddictedToAmbien: I did something similar to this once. In 4th grade, me and a friend were really into that show WKUK, and on the episode we had just seen, they sang this song "Get A New Daddy". We were singing it because we were obnoxious little kids. After a few seconds of that, I realized that our classmate's dad had died a week ago, and he almost definitely heard us. I immediately stopped and told my friend to shut up. I wanted to shoot myself.
Also, sorry about your fuck up OP. Was your friend legitimately pissed, or did he take it with a grain of salt?
thesplendor: WKUK in 4th grade??
Damn.... you're a youngster.
NotAddictedToAmbien: If 16 is a youngster, then I'm a youngster. Might've been 5th grade. Mom never really gave a shit what I watched.
AgCat1340: You'll be a youngster until 27. That's the rules, sport.
ixidor121: I disagree, I think you are a youngster till you are 25, at 25 you are half way to being old and at 50 you are more than half way to being dead.
Shalamarr: Can confirm. Will be 50 in July.
ixidor121: Well let me be the first to say happy halfway to being dead birthday!
Shalamarr: Aw, thanks! "A very merry Dead Birthday, to you, to you ..."
| 9 | 82.444444 | |
1396920790 | 1396975474 | t3_22h948 | t5_2to41 | 35 | prepareyourailerons: TIFU by indirectly calling my Professor a Stupid Whore.
I was sitting in my Comp II class (Writing II), and we were doing a group activity in order to refine the kind of causes that could lead to the phenomenon we chose for our research papers.
The subject of discussion at the time was one chick's paper "Why has Homeschooling become so popular?" Which, of course, leads to an intelligent discussion on how homeschooling and public schooling both have their merits, and should equally be considered as viable options for education.
I knew a little on the subject, and thought it was the perfect opportunity to show off a little bit, whilst also contributing to the conversation being had.
So I raised my hand in an attempt to get the teacher's attention. I already had my thoughts in order to present, I wanted to talk about a section of superfreakanomics that detailed a correlation (I know, not causation, don't jump on me about it) between the civil rights movement and the downfall of the school systems of America.
My explanation detailed that because the *smart* women were now becoming doctors and lawyers, that the education system has fallen, due to the fact that the *smartest* women were no longer teaching, but in those selected fields.
Then, I compared those who used to teach to those who teach now. Stating that many who teach now are the product of in school pregnancies. (Once again, I was trying to show off, even if I didn't know what the hell I was saying.)
It would have been alright, if I hadn't expanded my discussion to the collegiate level as well. Stating something to the effect of "A similar correlation can be seen at the college level. With professors who cease their education upon getting a position. The *smarter* women tend to go on for their Doctorate certificates."
When I finished, I seemed quite satisfied with myself, until I looked at my Professor's face. She seemed mortified for a solid eight seconds of classroom silence before asking quietly and awkwardly "...Anyone else..?"
During those eight seconds, I realized that the entire room was now looking my way in disbelief that I could have said something so stupid.
I'm only halfway through the semester, and I'm fairly certain she's going to destroy my GPA for the terrible things I said.
I'll update if there's interest.
**TL;DR I tried to sound smart, but wound up implying that my Female Professor was a Stupid Whore. And that she was only in teaching because she lacked the aptitude to be anything more than an educator.**
tammerlian: Well is she?
prepareyourailerons: No... She's a 49 year old lady who bakes cookies and stuff.. Which further reinforced how bed I felt immediately after speaking.
tammerlian: wait what kind of cookies?
prepareyourailerons: I doubt I'll ever know now.
tammerlian: That's one of the saddest stories I've ever heard
prepareyourailerons: The struggle is real.
| 7 | 5 | |
1396919977 | 1396995179 | t3_22h7tl | t5_2to41 | 11 | k1rby33: TIFU by ruining any chances I ever had with my crush
Ok so this didn't happen today, but I still feel like I need to let it out.
I used to go to this school, and there was this girl called Megan (not her real name), and she used to have a hugeeeee crush on me; it was clear to everyone including me. Thing is I didn't like her one bit. Fast forward half a year and I changed school, Megan had been trying to contact me throughout all this time(mostly through Facebook), and I just ignored her completely. So one day she just stops trying to talk to me, and after a bit I end up looking at her pics. I get a huge crush on her, and when I talk to her she says she'd like to get together with me(so I get all happy and stuff). Now before further discussing when we will meet I tell her that I need to confess something to her. I tell her how I've had a crush on her since I met her(not true, since I didn't like her when I first met her). She calls bullshit on what I said, and we never talk again...
So that's how I fucked up. Should have taken the shot while I still could. Shit. Next time I'll actually wait to tell people important things face to face.
esearcher: You knew she liked you, she was interested in getting together, why on earth did you feel the need to lay on bullshit? The takeaway for next time is to not lie, not to wait to lie when you are in her presence.
k1rby33: lesson learnt, thanks
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1396927339 | 1396965830 | t3_22hji4 | t5_2to41 | 235 | [deleted]: TIFU by casually complaining to my father about my screaming vibrator
Today I was taking a shower in my parents' house. All was going well, my mind wandering, (as it often does while showering) when I suddenly find myself thinking about my boyfriend. More specifically, thinking about the, *ahem*, ridiculously sexy things said-boyfriend had been doing to me earlier that day. I decide I might as well send some muffin morse code while I am in the privacy of the bathroom.
This isn't exactly doing all it can for me and I'm about to give up when suddenly, I am hit with a brilliant idea: my toothbrush! Pressing the little "on" button, I instantly know I've made the right choice and I go to town. Coupled with some two-fingered taco tango, within minutes it's all over. I catch my breath, wash my toothbrush, and all is well. I carry on with my normal routine, moisturizing, makeup removal, etc.
As the next and final step in my getting ready for bed method, I was brushing my teeth when a high-pitched whine begins to pierce my eardrums. It doesn't take me long to realize the culprit is my toothbrush, which seems to be eliciting death shrieks signalling the end of the battery life (???). As I'm rolling my eyes in annoyance, my father happens to walk by and obviously has to come and investigate the source of this obnoxious sound. His simple question of "what's that noise?" should have been answered with ease and this crisis could have been averted if my brain did not so obviously hate me.
Mind still on the pleasurable events of the close past, I end up nonchalantly answering, "oh, my vibrator is screaming."
... *My vibrator is screaming.*
Internally dying, I take note of the increasingly confused look upon my poor father's face. Panicking, I stammer and stumble out a harried, "oh, umm, not vibrator, I meant toothbrush. My toothbrush is broken."
This seemed to distress my father even further as he took in his daughter, beet-faced and stuttering, and quickly equated the two concepts of vibrator and electric toothbrush, coming to the not-so consoling conclusion of their obvious synonymous functions. Attempting to pretend he did not make this connection (probably for his benefit more than mine...) he simply smirked and, with a chuckle, began walking away -- but not before throwing a casual "I'll get you some more batteries for that" over his shoulder.
Goddamn those Freudian slips. -__-
**TLDR:** Referred to my broken electric toothbrush as a screaming vibrator in direct response to my father's innocent questioning.
weevhy: > muffin morse code
> two-fingered taco tango
Awesome. So very eloquent!
MoreWhiskeyPls: Stay classy San Diego.
| 3 | 78.333333 | |
1396930326 | 1396944991 | t3_22hnu6 | t5_2to41 | 81 | dr_victory: TIFU by accidentally huffing glue and having a near-death experience
Okay so it was like a month ago rather than today, but damn I can't think of a time I've done something dumber.
It's around one in the morning on a Monday, my roommate and I get a sudden burst of energy and decide we need to do put our insanity towards a project. We look around the the room for inspiration and BAM!
There's our old, broken bong; we should totally fix that shit. It has a hole on the base of it and we have a large piece of glass from the break that we just need to reattach. So we get tons of super glue and try that.
It doesn't hold well enough and the piece of glass keeps falling away. So, being the college-educated geniuses we are, we get this spray adhesive we have laying around and just absolutely drench the inside of this bong with it in hopes that it'll help the glass stick. I don't know why we thought spraying the entirety of the base's inside would help. But we did it. After a while we give up on making the glass piece stay so we just resort to using a shit-ton of Spongebob duct tape and cover the hole.
Thus, SpongeBong is born.
So we go outside to test our new creation and I hit it first. Immediately I'm nauseous as all hell. I mean I completely ripped that thing and took the fattest hit straight to the face, an entire fat bowl torched. I thought I was just really high. Bad high or something. But when I stood up I could barely hold my body up due to how weak I was. I was shaking out of control and BARELY made it up the two flights of stairs and back into our room before falling onto my bed. My roommate looks at me and just goes "OH SHIT. LOOK IN THE MIRROR!".
I'm completely pale with tinges of green. It's terrifying. I lay back in bed because I can't stand anymore, I'm gasping for breath, I can't keep my eyes open. I start to let myself fall asleep and wonder if I'll wake up the next morning. I seriously consider telling my roommate to call an ambulance before I slip out of consciousness.
I wake up the next morning and, thankfully, am completely fine. With my fresh, new day brain I realize that I had probably just gotten glue poisoning (??) from heating and inhaling a shit-ton of adhesives deeply into my lungs.
TL;DR: Darwin-award eligible death scare.
srg99: Caring roommate of the year.
"Might be dead...
... better not wake him up."
Purple_frumpkin: "He'll sleep it off"
| 3 | 27 | |
1396923743 | 1397137628 | t3_22hdx1 | t5_2to41 | 63 | chucklebuckle5: TIFU by shitting pants at school assembly
In the 9th grade my whole school was called to the gym for the school talent show. Now first I must point out that when i was little i hated to shit in public places, i always felt awkward shitting around other people. Now i have never shit at school before and i didn't plan on doing it today, while i was walking into the school assembly i had to fart, really bad. I held it in a while and walked with my class over to my seat. A while into the talent show i had to fart really bad, i couldn't hold it anymore. The three girls on stage were singing and the gym music was loud. I thought that i could fart and nobody would here it. well...i farted, and nobody heard it so everything was good right? Wrong. I farted and well i guess i was holding in a pretty strong fart and i ended up shitting my pants. I tried to get up and walk away but my teacher yelled and told me to sit down. I sat down and felt the shit spread all over my pants. It was horrible everyone began looking around and i could hear people saying, "whats that smell" and "haha did someone shit their pants". THE ANSWER WAS YES. Someone did shit their pants. Later everyone realized what happened. My teacher felt bad but i never heard the end of it. What i tryen to say is, if you gotta shit at school. DO IT.
Medical_Pineapple: RESET THE COUNTER!
Devalau: http://i.imgur.com/QvYroTz.gif
FireChickens: What movie is this?
Unclejesster: It's only the most bad-ass movie ever for 9 year old me to watch.
Pacific Rim
Problem is I'm just a wee bit older, by about 30 years.
FireChickens: You confused me. I thought the movie came out when you were 9. Haha
| 6 | 10.5 | |
1396941882 | 1397054339 | t3_22hzt8 | t5_2to41 | 38 | Proteinsocks: TIFU by confronting my cumsock thief.
(I apologize for bad english, not my 1st language)
So, next to my bed, Inside my bedside drawer, is where I keep my precious socks. Yeah, those sort of socks.
I buy a pack of soft socks and use them just to come in and when they start to smell i throw them away.
Two times before I told myself I must simply have forgotten that I threw the current one away... But last night when i was about to go to town on those soft black lovecatchers I noticed that the three current ones i had there (Busy week) where all clean and soft... Wth.
I live with my mother, father and sister. I knew I had not thrown the socks away yet. It had been on my mind lately, that it was time to save the drawer from it's moist smelly prison for a while.
Next day comes by and I decide that my mother was the only one home that day that that filthy crime must have taken place.
I confronted her just now... I asked her if she cleans my drawer next to my bed. She said yes... and asked why I insist on keeping sweaty socks in there that smells (She was kind to put in three new clean ones) She notices the smell when she cleans under my bed.
I look at her and she looks at me, Then we both scream and laugh out hysterically in tears. She apologizes whilst laughing and said the thought never crossed her mind. She had come to the conclusion I collected sweaty socks from the gym or something. (In denial that her son likes to pull on her wee wee) and then she gave me a lesson about the amount of protein in sperm and that I should not use the same "jerk of sock" for too long since it is a bacterial hazard...
Life is hard, unlike me for quite a while...
esearcher: She should only know that it could be worse, and you could be using a years old shoebox as a cumcatcher (don't have the link, I'm sure someone else does - it's gagworthy).
rutachigal: Hey, I'm someone else! [You're talking about the cumbox.](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/t0ynr/throwaway_time_whats_your_secret_that_could/c4im948) :)
[deleted]: The boxers are worse.
OldAccountIsGone: I think both are mild, the *decaying* brown collection of a /b/tard with multiple 3 liter PET bottles is worse
| 5 | 7.6 | |
1396946915 | 1397007005 | t3_22i3qi | t5_2to41 | 87 | scraps120: TIFU by losing a fight with a cockroach.
A little backstory: I'm from and I live in South Africa in a small town surrounded by farms so bugs, snakes and creepy crawlies don't phase me that much. I just CANNOT handle being around cockroaches for some reason. It's the only irrational fear I have.
Okay so, last night I was in my room getting ready for bed, everything was fine and my lovely 32" LED TV was playing some shitty time travel movie. I get into bed and turn off all the lights and close my eyes(TV is still on). I start to hear a buzzing but I ignore it and try to go to sleep until I feel it land on my shoulder. I open my eyes. And staring at me was the biggest, ugliest, loudest fucking cockroach I have ever seen.
I like to think myself as person who can keep his cool when under pressure but not this time. I fucking flailed like a fish out of water sending anything near me flying into the air only for it to come crashing down.
A stillness takes my room and I gather my bearings. I turn on my lights and see that my lovely new TV is smashed, completely wrecked. The culprit was an xbox controller that was on my bed and went hurtling through the TV during the whole commotion. I've since found the ugly bastard and he's currently trapped under a glass by my front door to be made an example of to any other cockroaches that try to fuck me.
TL;DR I need a new TV ):
[deleted]: U have technology in Africa????
saeravok: South Africa is probably more developed than the place you're from.
[deleted]: America you fucking retard.
koobaxion: How's 6th grade
ViolentThespian: I'm American too, and I can't apologize for this moron nor refute the joke about 6th grade... Fuck our education system.
| 6 | 14.5 | |
1396957713 | 1396983054 | t3_22ic1c | t5_2to41 | 134 | sickest_AUS_: TIFU by asking "would you rathers" with my mates
So it was the end of school and we were at the train station waiting for the train to come. On the bus going to the train station, me and three of my mates were trying to think of the worst "would you rather" questions that just make you cringe and shit. I won't say their names but let's call them Jason, Mike and Simon So we continued to tell each other our best ones getting off the bus and walking to the train station's platform. While waiting for the train, it hits me. The best one I could think of.
I ask Jason
"Would you rather drink a cup full of a strangers dick cheese, or fuck your dad with full eye contact?"
I thought it was pretty funny but my other two mates didn't. I wondered what was wrong as their mouth was wide open and their eyes were wide with disbelief. Then it hits me. Literally 5 days ago, Jason's dad had just died from Leukemia. Jason then stares me in the eyes and says,
"My dad is dead".
I felt so fucking bad for my friend and I was so ashamed of myself I wanted to just cry. I apologized sincerely and begged for his forgiveness. He just walked down the train station's platform with tears in his eyes. I feel like the worlds biggest cunt now.
BillyBlumpkin: So, the cheese then?
slorebear: might smell better
Devilman662: Jesus man.
slorebear: totally goin to hell , arent i
Roger_Fedora: wow you're so edgy
slorebear: okay
| 7 | 19.142857 | |
1396933634 | 1397248945 | t3_22hrxd | t5_2to41 | 16 | Tad_Nugent: TIFU by washing a load of laundry with a fish oil capsule in the pocket
May I just start by stressing how extremely important it is to check all of your pockets before throwing your clothes in the wash?
TIFU by forgetting that very important step. I ran a load through the washer and dryer (shared, in my apartment building) and when I got back upstairs and started folding my clothes, there was the unmistakable stench of rotten fish.
I thought it was coming from outside, and that wouldn't be too weird, as I live across from some Natives who often smoke salmon. But no. It was coming from MY freshly washed clothes!!
I sifted through the pile of stinky clothes and discovered a half-melted Omega-3 capsule in the pocket of my Lulu jacket. Fuck. Now what?
I sniffed my way through the whole pile of laundry and luckily the fish oil stank was concentrated on mainly 3 articles of clothing. But, I'm currently on my 2nd rewash, trying to get the gagorific smell out of my workout gear and a bunch of other clothes.
I will NEVER put my vitamins in with my laundry again!
esearcher: Maybe try soaking them in a mixture of water, white vinegar and baking soda. That might lift the ordors.
Once I left a packet of Uristat (the uti med that turns your urine dark orange) in my slacks. A pair of off white/light beige slacks. They were thrown in the wash with other similar colors and whites. When I opened the washer after the cycle, everything was tinted pale orange/red. Fortunately, a good, long soak with oxiclean lifted the stains!
Morbas: BILLY MAYS HERE WITH OXYCLEAN! DO YOUR CLOTHES SMELL LIKE A TIJUANA WHORE HOUSE? BLAST AWAY THAT SMELL OF SHAME WITH OXYCLEAN!
esearcher: Billy! You're back from the dead. How's that next world coke? As good as earth coke?
Morbas: BILLY MAYS HERE FOR HEAVEN COKE! TWICE THE HIGH OF OLD COKE, THIS IS A 'NEW COKE' THAT WON'T LEAVE YOU DISAPPOINTED! ACT NOW AND GET NOT ONE, NOT TWO, BUT AN INFINITE LIFETIME SUPPLY OF HEAVEN COKE! ALL YOU NEED TO DO TO GET YOUR INFINITE LIFETIME ORDER OF HEAVEN COKE IS DRINK ANOTHER ONE OF OUR FABULOUS PRODUCTS KABOOM!
| 5 | 3.2 | |
1396963167 | 1396986467 | t3_22ii0m | t5_2to41 | 371 | jumnhy: TIFU by chafing the skin off the head of my dick.
So I woke up this morning, feeling good, happy to have slightly-better-than-wintry temps outside. It was around 6:30, and I wanted to go for a good half hour run. I got up, threw on a tanktop and some synthetic athletic shorts, hopped into my shoes, and took off. (Crucial mistake--I didn't bother putting on additional underwear, as my running shorts have them built in. Won't be doing that again.)
Being the morning, it wasn't freezing, but it was still a touch chilly. Maybe that's why I didn't realize what was happening at first. My dick just felt nicely... warm... as I continued to run, and the sensation, in contrast to the cold morning breeze on my upper body, was almost pleasing. That didn't last.
I made it maybe 15 minutes into my run when I started to realize the warmth wasn't warmth. The rough seam along the inside of my pants worked back and forth across my meatus like fine grain sandpaper, and the combination of the low grade of the abrasion with the cold had been enough so that serious damage was done by the time I stopped. I had to walk home about two miles, wincing every time my raw dickhead brushed the inside of my shorts. Since it's just nice enough to get out, everyone and their sister was out running to. I had to shuffle back while trying to create a balance between minimal contact and not looking like some kind of public masturbator.
**TL;DR: the tip of my penis is raw and slightly bleeding because I went running in abrasive shorts.**
BoulderCat: My husband ran a 10-miler without additional underwear. He compared it to rubbing a cheese grater over his hang-low for an hour.
jumnhy: As a side note, do you know if he did anything to treat it afterward?
weezierocks: This may sound crazy, but you could try putting raw or manuka honey on it...bag balm or bee magic.
kandowontu: Salt + Alcohol.
weezierocks: If you do salt...I suggest a mix of distiller water and a very tiny amount of sea salt, otherwise you will dry out the skin. Alcohol will burn like a motherfucker unless you are drinking it at the same time. And no no no to peroxide!
jumnhy: Yeah, my understanding is that alcohol can kill off the cells, retarding healing. But I love the idea of raw honey, that shit is the bomb!
weezierocks: Raw honey is my cure all, second to coconut oil (which I don't recommend for this situation) I'm a lady, but giving advice because my guy gave himself a blister on the nethers...'twas brutal. I don't know how you guys deal with dangly bits, ha ha.
jumnhy: I've heard excellent things about bag balm, actually. Never bought any myself though. Might look into it now--the dangly-hangs deserve the best!
| 9 | 41.222222 | |
1396947932 | 1396984017 | t3_22i4ge | t5_2to41 | 142 | Vika_Fett: TIFU by leaving my laptop on....
I had played a prank on my friend the other day and he decided to have his pay back.
I left my laptop turned on and left the dorm ( boarding school i study in) i came back an hour later and didn't use my laptop the whole night because i was tired and didn't find the need to use my laptop.
The next day i had to show my biology teacher an important document on my laptop which was in a file called 'studies'.
I went to him in my first lesson and turned on my laptop and opened the studies file, what had happened when i had left my laptop opened the other day was that my friend had changed all my files' names from the studies file to other stuff. For example: he had changed the biology file into 'Horse porn' and the chemistry file to 'Necrophilia porn'.
The moment i saw it i was a little stunned and my teacher started cracking up and he said "woah man, you are really messed up" (he is a really young and chill dude). I just was super flustered and stunned so i excused myself and went out of the teacher's lounge.
Then of course i opened the file and he didn't tamper with my files but just the names. i explained this to my teacher but... Needless to say my bio teacher calls me horse boy now.....
LoydeReed: why wouldn't you lock your laptop? i don't even take a piss without doing that
Vika_Fett: a regretted mistake...
Ian_Itor: Win+L for Windows users!
MyWorkThrowawayShhhh: Or just set it to lock when you close the cover.
SecondTalon: Getting in the habit of Win+L on a windows machine is better. Not all machines have a cover.
Knowing the shortcut to lock the computer on every OS you use is best.
| 6 | 23.666667 | |
1396969283 | 1397002148 | t3_22iqw3 | t5_2to41 | 369 | shatpantthrowaway: TIFU by spray-shitting down the side of my apartment building
So just let me precede this recollection of horrific events by saying that I hadn't eaten anything other than pita chips, red pepper hummus and cheap beer for the previous 48 hours leading up to this fiasco. I also, get the shits from eating pretty much anything other than dry bread.
I awoke to my alarm this morning at 8am, as I often do, and decided I had earned an additional ten minutes of that oh so sweet snooze timer. This is where I fucked up...
About eight minutes later I jolted awake, already in the process of shitting myself. Not as in "oops, almost shit myself", but more of an "oh fuck, I'm literally seeping putrid, hot lava shit sauce and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I frantically sprint out of my room and down the hall to the bathroom, where my roommate was conveniently already in the process of taking a shower. Fuck. Still leaking, I try to think of another option.
The kitchen? Shit. No, I can't shit in my own sink. Someone else's, maybe, but not my own sink... At this point my intestines are intensely fighting to rid themselves of the hellish concoction that is my weekend diet while my sphincter hangs on by a fucking thread. It then dawns on me that I'm going to have to shit out of my bedroom window. I run back and assess the situation. One window faces a busy city street, the other, my two mid-twenties female neighbors' house. Do I risk becoming a sex offender, or putting on a literal shit-show for my neighbors?
These are the dilemmas only a man about to erupt a fountain of shit onto his own carpet must face.
Fuck it, sorry guys, this is happening. I fling the window open, drop trow and unleash a stream of rancid filth and sharticles into the atmosphere. After about three solid minutes of pain and fury, the torrent of shit subsides and I now have to figure out how I'm going to contain this mess well enough to get to the shower.
I blindly search through a pile of dirty laundry, ass still out the window and in plain view of the neighbors. I grab a t-shirt to wipe some of the shit soup from my ass and legs. One isn't going to cut it... I grab another. It then dawns on me then I don't have a trash can in my room (I'm weird about it). FUCK. I now have to sacrifice a 3rd shirt to make the equivalent of a hobo's handkerchief-wrapped bag on a stick of personal affects, only covered in more shit.
I check the hallway. Coast is clear, bathroom is free. I can finally wash away the horror that was my morning and get on with my day. I make a mad dash for the bathroom and jump in the shower. It was only then that I realized my god damn roommate must have either (A) Shaved what I can only assume is a bush of Don King afro-like proportions, or (B) Forgot to put that god damn strainer thing in the drain to prevent the previous dam of new razor cartridge covers that I had removed only weeks prior.
I'm now officially standing ankle deep in shit-tainted water, and it's just getting worse. I get out and wash one foot at a time in the bathroom sink, clean out the sink, and grab the plunger. I furiously start plunging away at the bathtub drain. Of course it's so clogged all I'm accomplishing is churning up more disgusting drain slime while simultaneously spraying shit water of out the drain vent onto my hands. I've got to get ready for work, I'm going to have to call maintenance.
I make the call "drains clogged, tried to plunge it, some pretty nasty stuff came out of it so tell whoever comes over they probably want gloves and a shop-vac."
I get dressed, and jump in the car to head to my office. "The nightmare is over" I thought to myself as I buckled the seatbelt. It's actually kind of funny. I put the car in gear, light up a cigarette.
As I'm pulling out of the driveway I see the damage my shit-rocket inflicted on the side of the building. Jesus fucking Christ is looks more like blood than shit... Is this good? Bad? I don't know.
I may be either talking to the police, or moving when I get home from work...
TLDR; shat pant, shit out window of apartment, bathed in shit, plunged that shit, made it worse, saw shit-art on apartment building as I was leaving for work.
shatpantthrowaway: Sorry to disappoint, but I am NOT going to post pictures of this shit (literally) to further incriminate myself. My job involves constant face-to-face interaction with clients... I will update on what ends up happening.
AintGotNoPancakeMix: OP shatpants, this this your chance to become part of reddit lore... show us the poop wall.
shatpantthrowaway: I'll never live down the shame... Update though, management company not happy, left angry note with my roommate, who is surprisingly not angry.
zachalicious: What did the note say exactly? And was it about the drain or the wall?
shatpantthrowaway: I'm still at work... I haven't seen it yet. I would assume the wall.
sketchyfacestuff: your just asking people to try to find the shit covered apt building if you dont lol
| 7 | 52.714286 | |
1396967071 | 1396984853 | t3_22inj4 | t5_2to41 | 35 | ilash44: TIFU by eating a pizza lunchable
I was starving last night after work. In a brilliant move i decided I'd have one of my daughters pizza lunchable. No less then 20 minutes later I'm on my porch watching Trailer Park Boys, while having a beer. Life is good right? Wrong. I start to feel a rumble in my stomach. So I try to carefully let out what I thought was a fast. It wasnt....
Now I I have to take to waddle of shame while trying to make sure shit isn't running down my leg. I had to walk by my wife and daughter to get to the bathroom. I made eye contact with both of them.
The bathroom scene was chaotic. I got cleaned up, then smuggled my shitty boxers back out, still in front of the whole family.
I feel shame and accomplishment at the same time. I'd like to think they didn't know. But we all know they did.
TIFU by eating a pizza lunchable that made my shit in my pants.
Jchamberlainhome: was it expired or spoiled?
ilash44: I never checked the date. But the lunchable tasted and smelled fine.
mrP0P0: So how is it the lunchables fault?
ilash44: No its my fault. I trusted a fast and my body betrayed me.
| 5 | 7 | |
1396969115 | 1396996594 | t3_22iqlo | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by having confidence for once..
I have social anxiety problems the thought of meeting up with people I don't know is like hell for me, Ideas just rushing around about how I can fuck up and what can go wrong and the feeling of dread. So what I'm about to tell you is out of character for me.
I'm sitting on the train and I see a girl get on and my jaw (metaphorically) dropped she was gorgeous. She was a stranger on a train probably in a rush somewhere, this is the worst way to meet people because of all the stress of commuting and what not. I really wanted to go and speak to her but I wouldn't.
Approaching my stop I get up to get off and look back she's still sat down, I walk to the back doors of the carriage and get off. Walking towards the exit I see she got off so clearly this was fate right? A higher being wants us to be together and nothing can interfere with that we we're going to grow old together.
I walk up next to her and say "Excuse me have you got the time?" she tells me the time and then looks forward as we're both walking at the same speed and I go "Thanks for that, but I didn't really need to know the time. I saw you on the train and I think you're beautiful." (Probably sounded less smooth coming from me) and she says to me "Aren't you Bianca's boyfriend?"
BUSTED!!
I don't actually have a girlfriend and I wasn't trying to cheat "Bianca" is my friend, that I fuck and I guess she's telling her friends we're together, which we are but not in an exclusive fashion.
Obviously the one name has been changed n shit.
* Edit: Grammar is hard
esearcher: Why didn't you just say no, if you and Bianca aren't dating? It's not your problem if she's going around saying that you are.
REALMANGAMING: I explained the situation to her and she looked at me all suspiciously. I get home and Bianca is now questioning me because her friend said I was "Hitting on her" I had to be like "I wasn't hitting on her, I was just giving her a compliment I can appreciate someone's looks and try and brighten their day without hitting on them" She's acting like she's fine but I think she secretly hates me. She's got the deal twisted, I guess she thought we were like "Seeing" each other like before you go out, but I was just looking for a friend who wanted to share their genitals. I don't know how bad I should feel.
esearcher: If you two never had a talk about expectations, you're both equally to blame. You, for assuming it was just FWB, and she is to blame for assuming that your intention was to get together in a more meaningful way. Since it sounds like you made no promises to her and didn't specifically set her expectations to an unreasonable level, then you shouldn't feel bad. But you should probably clear up what your expectations are for the two of you so this doesn't happen again!!
REALMANGAMING: Yeah, probably for the best. Cheers!
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1396973741 | 1397003670 | t3_22iygh | t5_2to41 | 6,097 | happygamerwife: TIFU by accidentally crushing a kid's prom hopes and dreams with my daughter...
So it's Senior Assassin week - you know the game, buy in for $5 and get a target, shoot them with a water gun somewhere not in their house or on school grounds and get assigned a new target, game ends when one person is left, they take half the pot (about $300).
My daughter is a senior, and has a target, and an assassin - she does not know her assassin's identity yet, so we are all helping her avoid contact with people in the open. If you do not invite the person into your home, they cannot shoot you, so naturally all knocks on the door are met with high suspicion. We live way out in the country so knocks on the door are rare to begin with...and the story begins.
Yesterday just after the school day ended came a knock on the door. I went to open it KNOWING it would be for my daughter. Open the door to a total stranger, high school kid, black earrings, decently dressed, just your average kid. He stammers out "Is XXX here?" and I tell him, no, she's not home from school yet chuckling to myself that he would be so brazen as to just knock on the door! Then the kid says "Oh, well I just wanted to invite her to prom." Now XXX has a long term boyfriend who is coming home from college for the prom, so I blew off the kid with a "Oh, she already has a date, sorry bye..." and basically closed the door in his face. Totally believing it was just some scam story to get inside and shoot her. I mean this was a kid I had never seen in my life...good assumption, right??
Yeah...no...turns out he had tweeted about it an hour or so before hand, and immediately afterward tweets "That was the most embarrassing moment of my life" XXX found out about it through a friend who follows him. They have literally never spoken to one another in person or any context - crushes are real folks...
So I'm now known as the mom who destroyed the stranger :(
evyllgnome: I thought you're a dad until that last sentence...
Leaving that 'this is reddit yada yada male until proven female' thing aside I have to say it's funny to see how the own mind works sometimes. You seem to be an awesome mom btw.
DONG_OF_JUSTICE: Yep, it's strange how the default Redditor in my head is a white, male 20-something year-old. When in reality Redditors are all kinds of ethnicities, genders and ages. Hell, I'm an Asian female, why do I still have this different image of the average Redditor in my head?
Real_Flashfire: I admittedly would not have suspected that DONG_OF_JUSTICE was an Asian female.
DONG_OF_JUSTICE: Busted
Edit: Didn't expect so many of you to think my username was Asian surname-inspired. Let me tell you that it is 100% related to penis.
SonofSonofSpock: I really hope you are a lawyer now.
DONG_OF_JUSTICE: Well fuck. Is a medical student good enough?
BrokenByReddit: Do you play the piano or the violin?
DONG_OF_JUSTICE: Piano.
TIL I'm pretty much every Asian female.
hambooty: not every Asian female goes by DONG_OF_JUSTICE so you have that going
anthony81212: You sure? There are millions of Dongs on Facebook
https://www.facebook.com/search/str/dong/users-named/females/intersect
hambooty: dongs of justices?
Dr_CSS: The Dong League
[deleted]: Man, these threads are so fucking cringey.
| 14 | 435.5 | |
1396973500 | 1397063588 | t3_22iy0z | t5_2to41 | 91 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally turning on my stove while my suitcase was on top of it.
I live in a small apartment, and my washing machine is in my kitchen. There isn't a lot of extra space, so I tossed my suitcase on top of my stove while I unloaded its contents into the washing machine. A few minutes later, while sitting on the couch, I noticed some black smoke coming from the kitchen. Evidently, I turned on one of the burners when unloading my clothing. It's a $300 suitcase, too.
[Here is a picture](http://i.imgur.com/ex1HsLO.jpg)
MechanicalOSU: I had a roommate that left a burner on over night. It was a low temp on an electric stove so no noticeable color change. I then took a box of stuff I needed to unpack and slugged it on top of the burners.... bad idea. Now I always check before putting anything on top haha.
master_blast3r: I really don't get why even nowadays, lots of electric stoves don't have a light that tells you when a burner is on. Unbelievable.
nachonaco: Mine does. :)
| 4 | 22.75 | |
1396976725 | 1396986609 | t3_22j3gy | t5_2to41 | 64 | Rob_G: TIFU by trying to take a selfie with David Wright
I went to the diner last weekend and right as I was sat, I saw this guy that I went to high school with sitting a few booths down. The last thing I wanted to do was get into a fake “Hey, how’s it going, so good to see you, how’s life,” type of conversation, but I didn’t want to be a dick either, and so I avoided eye contact, hoping that he didn’t see me sort of staring at him initially as my brain tried to figure out how I knew this guy.
But was he looking my way? I couldn’t remember for sure, and as I was about halfway done with my burger, and I know this sounds totally crazy, I started to get a little upset. I mean, if I saw him, he probably saw me, and why wouldn’t he want to come over and say hi? Right, like I just said, I didn’t want to say hi to him either, and so, whatever, I tried to let it go, hoping that he wasn’t just as surprisingly annoyed as I currently was about having been stiffed out of one of those awkward, “What are you up to these days,” back-and-forths.
I made up my mind to force the situation, I’d get up and be like, “Is that you?” although, just as I went about to actually put my plan into action, I realized I couldn’t even remember this guy’s name. Sophomore year, we definitely sat across from each other in at least three classes, but I don’t know why, I was drawing a blank. Was it Tom? Pete? It was something like that, Billy maybe?”
“Mike!” I heard another voice say coming at me. Only, it wasn’t coming at me. It was coming at Mike, his name was Mike, I can’t believe I couldn’t think of it. Here was another guy I went to high school with, I’m pretty sure his name was Brian, he must have been meeting Mike for lunch. And as Brian passed by my booth, we definitely made eye contact, it was only for like two seconds, but a solid two seconds, like two beats of definite eye contact. I went to make a subtle kind of head nod, like a, “What’s up,” but I think it might have been too subtle, because he just ignored me, and I tried to play it off like I had an itch on my nose or something.
“Charlie!” Mike said. So this guy’s name was Charlie, not Brian, and then they started talking, but the diner was busy, and even though I tried to hear if one of them said something like, “Did you see that guy a few booths down? Was that Rob?” there was no way I was able to make anything out. I did glance that way occasionally, but I didn’t want to come off as too creepy, and so, whatever, I just wanted to finish up and leave.
I mean, this is why people feel self-conscious about going to a restaurant by themselves. Because, what if that guy did say hi? Or what if my nod was slightly more than imperceptible? I’d say hi, these guys would say hi, and, and then what, they’d say, “Great, see ya later?” Would they feel maybe pressured to invite me to join their table? I’d have to say yes, right, I mean that’s polite, so we’d have to grab a waiter or a busboy and they’d have to move everything over. I’d be eating whereas these guys would have just been ordering, and so the timing would be off, there’d be the question of separate checks, or maybe even separate waiters.
I just wanted to leave, seriously, I was in my head now and I wanted out. But just before I had the chance to ask for the bill, guess who walked in? It was David Wright of the New York Mets. I couldn’t believe it, because this was just my regular diner, I mean, I guess celebrities go out for regular food once in a while, but this was just unreal, David Wright, walking right past me.
“There he is!” Mike said to David Wright. Man, he was there to see Mike and Charlie? Now I was kicking myself, because if I hadn’t tried so hard to avoid that bullshit conversation, if I’d only thrown in a, “Man, can you believe how long it’s been since high school,” or a, “How’s your family, everybody doing OK,” I could have been standing there at the table just as David Wright walked in. They’d have had to introduce me, maybe invite me to sit down with them, man, that would have been awesome.
Was it too late? It was probably too late. But I really needed to try. At the very least I could have endured an awkward two seconds or so to grab a selfie with David Wright, after which I’d bow out gracefully, and that would be that. So I walked over and I tried way too hard to play it cool. In my head, I wanted to pull off a natural double take, like it would’ve looked like I wasn’t going out of my way to bump into them, but then I’d be all, “Whoa! Mike? Charlie?”
It came off too forced. Because, and I always forget that when I’m playing out these scenarios in my head, I’m thinking that people are paying attention to me pretending not to pay attention to them, when in reality, nobody’s paying attention to me, not really. So from these guys’ perspectives, it must have just been, them sitting down at the table, and then all of the sudden I’m there, interrupting whatever it was they were doing with me, “Whoa! Mike? Charlie?”
“Yeah?” Mike said.
“It’s me. Rob.” Now all three of them were looking at me, but nobody said anything. “From high school.” I added.
“You’re from Ohio?” Mike said? “You went to Franklin?”
“No, I went to high school here on Long Island. You guys aren’t from Long Island?”
And they just shook their heads back and forth, which would have been fine I guess, an honest mistake. Only, it was definitely a little strange that I had called them out by their names, Mike and Charlie, names that, yeah, I guess I only knew because I overheard them talking to each other when they sat down. So I don’t know if they made that connection or not, but all I could think about was how obvious it was that I’d been spying on them.
“Oh really? That’s crazy. You look just like some of my friends from high school. Sorry for the confusion guys,” I didn’t even bother addressing the fact that I said hi by name, but whatever, I just needed a picture with David Wright, and then I could make my graceful exit.
“Sorry to bother you, but if I could just ask a favor,” and now I turned to David Wright, “Do you think I could get a photo?”
And it was even more awkward than I could have imagined. Everyone kept looking back and forth at each other with confused faces. Finally I just kind of leaned in a little closer, and nobody actively objected, so I of went for it, I took the selfie David Wright and me, said, “Thanks guys!” and then I left.
It was like half an hour later, I was back at my house and I’d already posted the photo to Facebook and Instagram, “Look who I met at the diner today!” was the caption.
One of my friends commented, “Who?” And I just typed back, “Haha.” But then another friend wrote, “Seriously, who is that?”
So I wrote, “David Wright from the Mets.”
And then like ten people shot back, “No, that’s not David Wright.” Some of them even posted pictures of David Wright from the Internet, with comments like, “This is David Wright. Who is that guy?”
And yeah, seeing them side-by-side like that, it definitely wasn’t David Wright. I’m telling you, in person, I don’t know if it was the light, but in the diner the resemblance was uncanny. But now, I mean, they kind of looked alike, like if you told me they were cousins, I’d totally believe you. But whatever, now it all made sense, the confusion, the awkward moment at the diner. I just kept the photo up on my wall, hoping everyone would think it was some sort of an inside joke that they didn’t get, because if I took it down, it would look like I had no idea what I was doing, like I’d have to admit to the Internet that I’d asked a random stranger to join me in a really weird selfie.
WPBDoc: tl;dnr
That_Deaf_Guy: You want to read this. Trust me.
Rob_G: I trust you.
That_Deaf_Guy: Hey, you write long stories, don't you? I didn't realise it was you! Great read, I would hate to be in your situation but 10/10.
| 5 | 12.8 | |
1396979644 | 1397016873 | t3_22j8lv | t5_2to41 | 37 | thetrishashow: TIFU by sneezing and ruining my underpants, then trying to get fancy when cleaning my butt.
I got my period yesterday morning (same old, same old every month). I usually wear pads just because I'm a virgin and it's what i've always worn since I was like 12. So I went about my business as usual yesterday. Then at about 5am this morning I woke up in bed. I felt a little bit like I had to pee, but I was lazy so I just stayed in bed and tried to go back to sleep. A few minutes later I had to sneeze. As any girl knows, this can be dangerous for your underwear when you have your period. Sure enough, I sneezed and I could feel the blood escaping the pad and getting on my underwear and on my legs. I walked very quickly to the bathroom to clean out the blood from my underpants. There was blood everywhere and it seemed like my underwear were probably ruined.
I decided to let the underwear soak in the sink. Then I decided to take a shower just because I felt kind of dirty after all of this. Well, it has been a little bit cold where I live, so I turned the shower all the way up an it got very hot in there. I decided to wash my ass while I was in there. I put soap on my butt. Then I decided to rinse the area and that is when the trouble began. As you may know, the anus can be pretty sensitive. Well usually I just take a bath rag and wash the soap out of my ass that way, but today I decided to get fancy with it. I turned around in the shower and pulled my cheeks apart and then started to back into the water. Well as soon as the water hit the crack of my ass, I knew I had made a terrible mistake. It burned with the fire of 1000 suns! I screamed and fell on the shower floor. I sat there for about 5 minutes just thinking about my misfortune.
And then I had to go and get dressed for a class that I have that starts at 7am. Not a great way to start the day.
[deleted]: Assholes get sensitive during your period? Girls are icky.
ralberic: No they don't, this is idiosyncratic in this case. I have also never had this happen when I sneeze in all my 11 years of getting my period once a month.
angarahad: Nor i in my 30+ years...women who utilize pads exclusively whilst periodical are literally running with the bulls.
Ole!
ralberic: Haha I don't know, I use both without issue!
DirtyMarTeeny: Agreed. I do not know this fear of period sneezes.
| 6 | 6.166667 | |
1396985891 | 1396991311 | t3_22jjf3 | t5_2to41 | 23 | 6PoundsSoft: TIFU by not wearing a belt.
I work in a charity shop where it is my job to lug the heavy things around (wardrobes, chests of drawers and so on.) They tell you to wear things that you don't mid getting ripped/dirty because the job can get a little tough sometimes when we have to deal take things down large flights of stairs or take things that have been standing outside for a long amounts of time.
With this is mind and the fact that my usual work jeans in the wash I decided to wear a pair that I have had sitting in my drawer for years, It was only after I left the house and had commuted to work that I realised that I have lost weight since I last wore those jeans and they now have the nasty habit of falling down my arse whenever I walked up and down flights of stairs.
I deal with it as best as I could for the day since most of the work to do was on a single floor and therefore my jeans didn't really trouble me that much. After lunch that day we had to do to our other shop just down the street and take their rubbish and unwanted items to the dump for them, this isn't usually a problem but their store room was on the second floor thus meaning I had to walk up and down stair with my hands full.
All goes well until me and my supervisor, Rick we'll call him, are made to carry a bed-side unit down the stairs and into the truck. Lugging it down the stairs I feel my jeans begin to slip down my booty again, knowing I could do nothing about it I just carried on and hoped I could make it down in time.
I couldn't, as we reached the bottom my jeans slipped right down my legs and revealed my striped undies to the good folks in the shop at the time. In my panic I freak out and drop the heave unit on my foot resulting in much swearing and both trying to clutch my crushed foot and pull my trousers up.
If that wasn't enough, this shitty icing on the shitty cake was that that afternoon I had cheesy Chilli for lunch and my stomach had been unsetteld since then, as I go to bend over and try to sory myself out I let out the squeakiest, most awkward sounding fart of my life... Right into a couple of chavs who were already laughing at my idiocy.
I really dread facing that place tommorrow.
TL;DR: Dropped trou in front of a shop full of people and farted in their general direction.
[deleted]: I forget my belt almost on a daily basis, why didn't you make a tape-belt?
6PoundsSoft: Honestly, because it didn't cross my mind. I would have if I'd been a little smarter :/
[deleted]: I feel your pain though. The other day I dropped a giant piece of plywood that me and a co-worker were carrying. It smashed my toe and gave him some mean splinters, all because I had a shitty grip and just didn't say anything.
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1396994088 | 1397017015 | t3_22jxmu | t5_2to41 | 19 | party_in_my_pants: TIFU by unknowingly formatting 500GB drive containing 1,5y worth of working files
TIFU for the second time ( [this was the first](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/13yqvj/tifu_by_accidentally_deleting_12gb_of_psdai/) ) , but this time it's about 500% more serious.
* Being a graphic designer and having tons of .PSD/.AI files that can't be easily recreated (if not impossible, in some cases).
* Had 3 separate partitions: one for Win7 (main one, for work), one for Win8 (for testing), and one for data (all working (.psd, .ai, .jpg) & media files are here)
* Downloaded a torrent containing Win8.1 Update 1
* Made a bootable USB out of it so I could install it on my test partition and check it out
* As usual, booted via USB so I could make a clean install/update
* Win8 doesn't asks me anything, it just starts copying the files and installing the update ( so no choice was given as where to install it, choosing the right partition etc.). I presume it just found the Win8 partition and is updating the files there
* Restart, and found out that my 500GB drive is completely wiped, including all 3 previous partitions and is now a single 500GB partition
* Starts hyperventilating combined with uncontrollable urge to laugh and cry at the same time
* Shut down my PC and started to panic
* More panic
* Calling friends for suggestions how should I end up my own life before clients kill me, also what's the best solution for recovery
* Took out the HD before anything was written and connected it on my laptop (as an external HD)
* Waited 6 hours until Onetrack Easy Recovery finished the scan and then crashed
* Panic some more
* Now 2 hours into scanning with R-Studio, 2 more to go.
On the top of it, I had Adobe CS6 Master Edition on it and since the drive was formatted and the license wasn't manually deactivated, now I can't install it anymore.
I have backup of *some* of the files, but not the most recent ones (that are already half or fully paid and clients are waiting for me to deliver them) and not nearly of everything I urgently need.
**TL;DR: 1,5y of work is mostly gone, still hoping to recover at least some of it**
Weareallaroundgaming: Do not save ANYTHING to the Hard Drive. The Data is still there, if you save something it will permanently overwrite some stuff.
party_in_my_pants: Yeah, after restarting and realizing what happened I immediately took the HD out. For now the recovery software managed to recover at least 10-20GB of files but I can't check them since I don't have photoshop on this laptop :(
thequux: Call Adobe and explain the situation to them. Their customer service folks can deactivate your old install for you.
As for data loss, that truly sucks :-/ Best of luck with that.
party_in_my_pants: I once had similar issue few years ago ( When it got out, I had CS6 installed for testing @ work, and someone formatted that PC without deactivating ) and they said they couldn't deactivate it remotely, but they added another license to my account so I could install it again. I don't know if I could pull that off again :/
thequux: They're not concerned about somebody who needs to get their license refreshed every few years (and even every couple of months might raise a few eyebrows, but no flags). What they're trying to avoid is a company installing CS6 on every machine on their graphics department on just one license. You should be fine.
| 6 | 3.166667 | |
1396996463 | 1397166137 | t3_22k1hs | t5_2to41 | 539 | fuckthisgayearth2: TIFU by paying $250 for a prostitute to take my virginity and now I have blue balls
Throwaway for obvious reasons.
**A little backstory:**
I'm a 25 year old virgin (can I still say I am...?). I'm not a super awkward lanky kid. I look like your typical 25 year old and am quite easy to talk with and personable (I go to the gym, dress well, maintain my appearance, etc). You'll just have to take my word for it. I went to an all boys high school and then took computer science in college so the lack of girls in my life isn't a huge surprise.
**The search:**
I stumble across a website where agencies and independent escorts list their services. I thought, 'why the fuck not, I got some money lying around.' So I spend about an hour looking for the 'perfect' hooker until I found her. Great body. No face shot but she looks pretty hot from the upperlip-down. Sold. She's listed as a 21 year old student from Korea and not the greatest English. Whatever. I call the number listed to make my reservation. A man with broken English and a heavy Chinese accent (it's probably not Chinese but how the fuck should I know?) picks up and takes my reservation. 1 hour I picked. More than enough time. If they had a 30 second time slot, it'd still probably be more than enough.
**The arrival:**
I arrive 10 minutes early as per the recommendation from mysterious guy over the phone. It's a fairly upscale hotel downtown and during the middle of the day. Plenty of people in suits and business casual so I blend in somewhat. I call mysterious Chinese guy again to let him know I'm here. He tells me the room number and I make my way up with haste. I find the room and it creeks open just as I'm about to knock. A very tiny Korean girl with pretty big boobs (definitely fake) peeks around the door as she lets me in. A very pleasant smile and very pretty face that resembles those K-pop stars (I don't know which, they all look roughly the same to me). She leads me to the bathroom where we both undress and we take a quick shower. We quickly pat ourselves dry and head to the bed.
**The 'sex':**
I forgot to mention that during the shower, I couldn't get hard at all. No big deal, it'll be no problem once we're in the bedroom since I haven't jerked it in like 4 days. I lie on the bed and she begins giving me a blowjob. No reaction from the little guy. Several minutes later and she seems visibly frustrated. Hell, I'm frustrated too. She starts using her hands while I have free reign on her body. Still nothing. She tries giving me a blowjob again but to no avail. At this point I can tell she's incredibly frustrated but hiding it behind a facade of pleasantry. She's doing everything pretty well (how the fuck should I know?) but still nothing.
15 mins into my hour and we're just lying there. Her arms and neck must be killing her. We lie there for 5 minutes while she rests and I think of a gameplan. I suggest she play with herself as I try to get hard. A semi-hardon, a semi-success! She slips on the condom and mounts me. In it goes. A few pumps and some grinding later and I'm back to square one. The frustration in both of us reaches a critical mass. The next 30 minutes has a combination of me watching her, me watching porn, her body rubbing on top of mine, blowjob, handjob, going down on her, fingering her etc with still no success.
It's now 50 mins into the hour and she checks the clock. I don't blame her. I decide to call it a day. We have another quick shower for her to wash away her perspiration and for me to wash away my shame. I quickly get dressed, head to the door where she gives me another hearty smile. I cough up the $250, say sorry and quickly leave.
Now I'm here typing this retarded thing, getting a hardon thinking about it. Fuck this shit.
HandOfBl00d: Is it weird that I got more of a boner from reading this than you did when it happened you
yes_it_is_weird: #
ThatGenericUserYT: Is it weird that I think this bot is the best?
yes_it_is_weird: #
| 5 | 107.8 | |
1396993391 | 1397009259 | t3_22jwfv | t5_2to41 | 13 | pancakeinvasion: TIFU by spilling nail polish remover on a chair belonging to a wood table worth over $1,000.
The worst part? It belongs to the family I nanny for who just replaced their old table for being all scuffed up.
:(
swordfishtrombonez: How bad is it?
pancakeinvasion: Pretty bad, it was just the chair seat, but it was very visible that the varnish had come off. I actually made it look pretty okay by rubbing a hot iron over a white washcloth on it and then putting olive oil all over. I'm so paranoid they're going to find out (I'm a bad person and didn't tell them) and fire me. :(
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1396996882 | 1397124157 | t3_22k25c | t5_2to41 | 47 | letsgrillsteak: TIFU by giving a criminal $100 at Walmart.
I fucking hate Walmart, but I knew they have a good selection of spray paint so I went there today to get some for a project of mine.
After I grabbed all my shit I headed for the register when a girl stopped me and started talking to me. She said she was doing a project and asked me about myself. I told her about how I was new in town at an internship. She was smiling a lot, laughing at what I said, and told me her name. She then began to tell me about herself, and how she needed my help. It was a magazine subscription sale of some sort... She mentioned that people usually buy magazine subscriptions for themselves and some to be donated to a children's center.
Since I get paid for my internship and I'm lucky to be making some money nowadays, I thought it would be good to donate something to someone and help this friendly girl in the process. When I looked at the magazine list they were pretty overpriced, but idk what the fuck magazine subscriptions cost and it was for two years anyway. I ended up getting one for myself and one for the children, I didn't have cash and I don't carry my checkbook so I got some cash out when I paid for my stuff.
When I got my cash out I asked her if she had proof that she was part of an organization. She looked at me funny and told me that I was getting a receipt (with a cancellation policy of a full refund if I really wanted). She wrote down a website on the receipt and gave me her Facebook address.
After talking to her a while longer about stuff like my plans for the future, my career, and whatever else, she then handed me my receipt. I started walking out of the store and she said she'd walk me out to my car. Me feeling a little strange, I kept the money in my pocket...
But this is the real kicker- She said thank you and goodbye to me and walked away without my money. I didn't stop her; I was extremely reluctant to give someone I just met that much money despite the cause. I got in my car and started to back out until she knocked on my window. She was laughing and said she forgot to ask for the money. I nervously laughed too and gave her $100 cash for the two magazine subscriptions.
I got home and did some research- the company that was on the receipt (Midwest Circulation LLC) is a complete fucking scam. I read so many stories of people who had the exact same thing done to them, and when they try to get a refund the "company" makes endless excuses and threatens with lawsuits etc. Fuck I'm pissed and feel so helpless. I guess I'm more naive than I thought.
**TLDR: I am a fuckwit and gave quite a bit of my hard-earned money to a not-so-smooth criminal.**
Vovix1: Was the facebook info real? If so, you could probably track her down.
aurasma: Probably a fake account, sadly.
letsgrillsteak: The account is real, and is recently used actually. Has profile pictures dating back years too...
aurasma: Report her?
| 5 | 9.4 | |
1397012554 | 1397064656 | t3_22kr1h | t5_2to41 | 10 | 2_Headed_Cat: TIFU by leaving the gas stove on
I made dinner, and went to turn the stove off. Only I didn't, the nob wasn't all the way off. When I went back into the kitchen after eating, I immediately smelled gas, noticed the problem, and turned it off right away. I then opened as many windows as I could, turned the fan on, and went outside for a bit.
It was only leaking for half an hour, I tried to tell myself, it couldn't be that bad. I couldn't even smell it after a little while.
But I felt sick. I wasn't sure if it was the gas, or just anxiety, or maybe the drink I had with dinner, but I'm paranoid, so I ended up calling 9-1-1 to have someone come out and just check things out
They sent an ambulance and two fire trucks. The firemen checked the apartment, the paramedics checked my blood, and no carbon monoxide was detected anywhere. It was really embarrassing, but if I hadn't made that call I would've spent the whole night freaking out.
vertstang86: I'd rather it be a false alarm rather than someone find you dead... Honest mistake handled correctly in my opinion... Just pay a bit more attention next time...
BTW, I hate gas operated anything... Natural Gas appliances creep me out...
2_Headed_Cat: The idea scared me when I first moved in, because I was really derpy with gas stoves in the past, never quite knew how to light them.
vertstang86: I prefer to keep my appendages and my hair!
2_Headed_Cat: Of course, gas stoves are much easier to cook with. When I go to visit my parents and try to cook on the electric stove I grew up with it, I get super frustrated because it takes forever compared to the gas stove in my apartment.
| 5 | 2 | |
1397015198 | 1397108125 | t3_22kuyv | t5_2to41 | 25 | [deleted]: TIFUpdate - "The Backseat of a Stranger's Van"
[LINK TO ORIGINAL](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/22aavx/tifu_a_tale_from_my_high_school_years/)
I was asked to update when I got the story. Sorry for the wait. I dont have a scanner, so I retyped it all. Ignore any typos, I didn't take the time to proofread haha.
Well, here it is. [The Backseat of a Stranger's Van: A true story about lost dogs and lost innocence.](http://www.pdf.investintech.com/preview/59379de4-bf98-11e3-a493-002590d31986/index.html)
NJewboy: Materpeice
kjbrasda: Yup. He got-r-done.
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1397014551 | 1397062245 | t3_22ktzk | t5_2to41 | 4 | uganda-roast: Failed Drug Test for Probation
dancingmrt: Yeah bro, you fucked up.
I faced a felony charge for mushroom possession (ca law) about 3years ago. since it was my first drug conviction, I qualified for PC 1000 program, which basically boiled down to about $700 in charges and classes, requiring 5 random tests and an 18mo probation period. Knowing that I faced potential jail time, and I would likely be butt-bait if I somehow ended in actual prison, I took that shit with a fuckin smile on my face.
I'm like u: raging pothead. I've never had my shit together 100%, and maybe because I smoke, I probably never will. But my advice: if you're looking at a way out of jail time, just, take it. The best part of PC 1000 was that after I finished my probation, the entire incident is expunged from my record. Only evidence of it is likely the initial arrest report, but its doubtful anyone will dig that deep.
Anyway before I green-out, best of luck to you. If they give u another chance, dont fuck up again :/
uganda-roast: Thanks, at least you gave some actual advice. Much appreciated :)
dancingmrt: You're welcome. Now be good, dammit! :p
| 4 | 1 | |
1397020208 | 1397078186 | t3_22l1jl | t5_2to41 | 19 | McDuffSmith: TIFU By Thinking a Girls Phone Was Taken by Her ex.
I've been creeping this subreddit for almost 3 months, but had nothing to post until now.
So, I fucked up.
I've known this girl for 3, going on 4 years now and I've always liked her and she knows it. We haven't talked that much in resent months (and every time we do, I'm always a massive ass hole to her. not sure why she hasn't told me to get lost yet.) but the past few days we've been messaging via Facebook back and forth.
tonight I thought I'd play a game with her and send song lyrics out of the blue and we she replied with "what?" I'd send more of the lyrics to her and see if she could piece it together.
but hey... that fucking backfired big time. after I send the first bit of lyrics, she says "what?" so I said "what?" and then out of the blue (like I'm talking out of absolutely fucking NO WHERE) she says "would you sleep with me?" (our conversations are NEVER sexual, as in my experience she doesn't like that) she always has "cuddle buddies" or so she calls it, over to her house for sleep overs or what ever you kids call it these days. so not knowing the context shes using it in, I said "what? what do you mean?" I get back "nothing". because I'm confused and a little rattled at the question I push a little further and say "no seriously what do you mean?" then she says "i want to suck your dick"
now at this point I'm thinking her ex (who she still lives with for some reason) has her phone and is fucking with me so i proceed to send "oh fuck off. give the girl back her phone" to which i get back "what?" and then another "I'm so confused why would you not let me"
now I'm positive its her ex. so I then say "I'm not playing this." then i get this "I really want to have sex though" and because I think its her ex, I come back with "well shit, I'm not really feeling it. especially because all I hear when I read this is the guy on the other end with (her name here)'s phone"
and then it went dead. nothing, not even a "hey sorry someone had my phone". at this point I'm having a melt down and thinking: "what if it was actually her? what if this is the tipping point and she'll never talk to me again? did i just blow my chances at banging the girl I've always liked?" a half hour goes by since her last message. so i figure I'll test the waters: "you there?"
still nothing. she sees it, but no reply. 45 minutes go by with no sign of life on her end. so I decided to send an apology in case it really was her. its been two hours as I'm tying this and she hasn't opened it yet.
So guys, I fucked up. and probably lost the girl of my dreams.
any advice on what to do would be great, but I'm pretty sure I just lost her.
TLDR: Thought a friends phone was being manhandled by her ex and chewed her out by accident blowing my chances of ever being with her.
EDIT: UPDATE: got a reply and not a nice one. Turns out it actually was her. Will not contact her for 3 or more days.
InfamousDoctor: Talk to her in person you moron.
What's worse, being embarrassed, or missing this opportunity?
FireChickens: Tough love. Just what the doctor ordered.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1397026328 | 1397324846 | t3_22l7uu | t5_2to41 | 160 | insideme999: TIFU It is inside me.
Aka ecently i've been experimenting with putting items inside my manhood. The urethera to be more specific. Today, I decided, in all my triumphant glory to stick a piece of plant down there. My thoughts of "this will feel good," and "how kinky," were enough to dissipate any logic that I possessed previous to this. So i get on my way and it feels awesome, until the moment where I cash out of the spankbank.
To my horror this small piece of grass is nowhere to be found. I try and push it out, but alas to no avail.
Just then a family member shows up so i have to go inside to dinner.
Within the hour I become completely oblivious to the piece of grass travelling around in my penis. I can't feel it,
Skip forwaard to tonight, and this travelling grass has made its was closer to my bladder.
I have tried drinking tons of water and making attempts at peeing it out. This doesn't work. It keeps getting farther up and I have no idea what to do.
Tl;DR Stuck bush in penis. It won't come out now. Looks like it's heading down the vas deferans :(.
Help?
Edit: because of the blades direction it provides resistance to upwards movement and with every one of my movements it slides down.
And to all of those haters, please don't. I already feel like shot and retarded. I've played this scenario over and over and regret it so much. I understand it was dumb but I really don't need another person telling me that.
Update: been here since 430 am still waiting to be seen..?
Update 2 NEVER EVER EVER EVEER PUT STUFF IN YOU DICK. PLEASE LEQRN FROM ME
UPDATE 3 GOT IT REMOOOVED YAY. civilisation Aka nurses and doctors bailing my dumb ass out.
emayelee: Go to hospital NOW. It will not come out on it's own and will go into your bladder, causing awful damage.
Never put anything inside your dick guys, wtf!
LordofthePit666: There are things specifically for this, just be smart.
pixelated_fun: >There are things specifically for this, just be smart.
Putting foreign objects in one's urethra is never smart. The only thing that should go in there is a catheter and then only when necessary. Anything else is asking for trouble.
TL;DR- Da fuq?
LordofthePit666: Well I've heard that if you use a clinically sterilized sounding rod that there is next to no risk.
pixelated_fun: Except damage to the smooth musculature and possible puncture of the walls of the urethrea not to mention permanent dilation and eventual inability to retain urine at will...sounding is just a bad idea all around.
| 6 | 26.666667 | |
1397041769 | 1397083294 | t3_22ljxh | t5_2to41 | 2,716 | crankdant: TIFU by insulting my new trainer's wife
I recently moved to a new City - not too far away, but far enough that I needed to find a new place to train MMA. So I joined a commercial gym with a yearly contract as it's the only place with a martial arts team.
When I joined they gave me a few "free" personal training sessions to introduce me to the gym and check fitness levels etc. The guy I was paired up with seemed pretty decent - showed me the equipment and explained the club rules. He seemed more interested in selling me nutritional supplements from his own company than actually giving me good workout though...
... I got pretty agitated with the sales pitch, but he just kept going...
> PT "You're at 19% body fat now - you need these supplements to get you down. You could get to 15% with them in a few weeks easily"
>...
> Me "I'm pretty happy with my routine as it is, thanks. I'm happy to maintain my current weight and only shift pre-fight."
At this point he gets out his phone and shows me a before and after shot of a woman in her underwear.
> PT "See, this stuff's good. Wouldn't you want to be with someone like this?"
>...
> Me "I actually prefer the before picture - she looks much more attractive"
>...
>...
> PT "That's my wife"
Needless to say, the conversation wrapped up pretty quickly as the session ended.
I wish it ended there though...
...
... Later on I went to a group training session and got paired up with the same trainer for what was meant to be some light sparring. I could tell he was pretty pissed/hazing me into the group and did not go easy on me.
I let my concentration go and started to get angry - I went for a Thai Roundhouse, but kicked too low. He lifted his leg and dropped his elbow to check my kick..
... My shin made contact with his knee. **POP**. My calf muscle ruptured.
... So, yeah... Dr says I can't fight for 3-6 months.
EDIT: He wore a Tapout baseball cap.
GullibleGenius: Fucker is forcing his wife's photos onto people and gets mad about people not liking it! *Sigh...*
crankdant: These comments make me feel a lot better about the whole thing. Still though, no fighting for 6 months.
shrill_cosby: Look for a new gym in the meantime. One that doesn't have a dick like that there
crankdant: I have found that MMA gyms (in the UK at least) are all much the same. There's always dick measuring. A lot of people are there because they like fighting on a Friday night after they go to the pub. People want to be tough and prove something.
It's really hard to find somewhere were people go just to enjoy martial arts and have a bit of fun sparring.
[deleted]: You should start a club where that is literally the mission statement. Collect lower fees than any competitor, should be enough to put rent on a humble space. Offer free membership to people who have carpentry or other skills to improve the looks and performance of your club. Create a place that is exactly your vision piece by piece with the help of a likeminded community.
Chuckgofer: So, like planet fitness for MMA?
[deleted]: Are they the no-grunt guys? Yeah. I'm w/ Crunch rn who have a "no judgment" policy which is sweet too.
Chuckgofer: [They have an alarm which goes off if you act like a lunk](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IeBb-8nWANA)
Taubin: The dude that starts [raging at 3:50](https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=IeBb-8nWANA&t=230) is the best
Chuckgofer: Grade A Lunk. Thats what planet fitness is specifically trying to avoid.
| 11 | 246.909091 | |
1397068521 | 1397071723 | t3_22mgmf | t5_2to41 | 10 | TheGraveSin: yes, got that going for me :p
pawlup: lie to me. just edit it in. i need my fix. just once. please? do it for me.
TheGraveSin: ....and then i shit myself, the smell adding to the tears that were already welled up in my eyes
| 3 | 3.333333 |
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