start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1397067851 | 1397091879 | t3_22mk6k | t5_2to41 | 8 | kilercrab321: Tifu by blue screening my school's computer.
OK, in English we are working on a research paper. I got WWI and how it let to WWII, so easy. I get to a computer to continue typing and i take a computer in the back(note, these are not the greatest computers). I log in blah blah blah, then i notice that it is taking forever to log on. It is saying almost done for about 10 mins, i am doing CTRL ALT Delete and i open up the task manager to try to bypass to the desktop because our school is turning all of our computers into windows 8.1. I have windows 8 on my computer at home so i know how to use it. It goes to the desktop finally, but something is wrong. There are no icons on the screen. I try to hit the windows button, use the bottom left hand corner area to get to the start menu. I try to use the "directory"? i don't know what to call it but you go to the bottom right corner and it opens the tab with search, share, and start blah blah blah and every time i try to get to something other than my empty desktop. I do CTRL ALT delete again and i hit help, note i have restarted, logged off, switched users, and shut down the damn thing, and it opens and it hit help. It opens the windows help and blah blah blah window to try to help. The window doesn't respond and it gives me a weird error screen. It then blue screens and shuts down. My teachers don't know how to work with computers and ask my what happened. I said i got a blue screen of death. They then took me to the office and they got the technician guy, the computer will not start at all at this point. He pats me on the back and says "That computer is so old, i don't know why the school switched to windows 8.1, that processor is from 2004. And it failed to make the full swap from windows 7 to 8.1." Before he said that i was sure i was going to pay for this computer. So according to him, i broke an already broken computer, I got no work done today.
TL;DR: I blue screened an already broken shity windows 8.1 computer from 2004, i thought i had to pay for it.
picnicnapkin: Where do you go to school that it has only one computer? Just curious.
LordofthePit666: 'I take a computer in the back' implies there are multiple computers and the one he used was in the back, at least that's how I took it.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1397068819 | 1397070440 | t3_22mlrt | t5_2to41 | 76 | threwawaymypants0: TIFU By taking a shit in the "out of order" toilet at work.
The seams on my pants were bulging around the waste, and I couldn't run fast enough to the bathroom. I was sweating at this point and each leaping step I felt my ass cheeks clench less and less. I knew I didn't have much time before a waterfall of shit ruined my day and my pants. I bursted through the bathroom door and saw that every stall was taken.. except for the one marked "out of order." Knowing I couldn't shit in a urinal and that waiting wasn't an option, I tore the sign from the door, ripped my pants down in one swoosh, plopped down on the seat and let the left over thai food I had foolishly eaten for breakfast exact its revenge on me.
It was the best/worst release of my life.
After a few violently painful minutes, 5-6 handfuls of toilet paper and a sigh of relief, I felt lighter than air. I stood up, fastened my pants, completely forgetting the "out of order" sign I'd ripped from the stall door and pushed down the flushing lever. In a matter of seconds, the toilet water started swishing and spinning, faster and faster and started flinging shit and toilet paper everywhere. It didn't stop, and then the overflow of water came over the porcelain bowl onto the tile beneath. The walls of the stall, covered in shit and wet paper, the floor beneath with more of the same, and did I mention my clothes? Yeah, I won't. The people in the stalls beside me started gagging and coughing, and I'm pretty sure I ruined everyones shoes, and the janitorial staff was less than pleased with me. My coworkers laughed their asses off, and I'm pretty sure I won't live this down for awhile.
Tl;dr - I took a dump at work in the "out of order" stall and neglected to think about why it was out of order, and flooded the bathroom with thai food shit.
Prepare_To_Be_Woo-ed: Well, at least you didn't have to throw away your underwear.
threwawaymypants0: Oh no, it's all going.
Prepare_To_Be_Woo-ed: Apparently I underestimated the shit-volcano toilet. My sympathies.
| 4 | 19 | |
1397069649 | 1397100226 | t3_22mn2t | t5_2to41 | 179 | BrightenthatIdea: TIFU by trying to swipe my girlfriend's finger across her Iphone TouchID while she was asleep
While she was asleep and I was laying beside her in an insomnia induced staring contest with the ceiling, I let my thoughts get the best of me. It basically turned into a ten minute Mission Impossible scene that included me sliding out of bed, unplugging her Iphone and then gracefully trying to slide her finger across the ID scanner while it dangled over the edge of the bed. She didn't even jerk her hand away when I applied too much pressure to wake her. I can still picture her eyes glowing from the nightlight asking me wtf was I doing.
f0rbes1: next time, just set up a keylogger on her device and hide it in a folder where only you can find it.
downhillcarver: First of all, that's a huge invasion of privacy.
Second, this is utterly useless advice, as it requires him to have unmonitored access to her phone long enough to install and hide a key logger... If he had unmonitored access to her phone, he wouldn't have had to try to access it covertly in the first place.
f0rbes1: First of all, hes invading her privacy to begin with. Not to mention OP could keylog his own device considering its his girlfriend and she probably uses his shit. To be clear though, it was a blunt suggestion to keylog her phone, it was more of a, 'theres a better way to do this' sort of post. But now that you want to act all arrogant.... Ill correct you on a subject you have little knowledge about.
Second, it isnt useless advice, its clever advice. Whether you see it that way or not, I dont give a flying fuck. Obviously you have never had to use a keylogger, which is unfortunate because they can be fun and have many uses, but i digress. You can setup a keylogger many different ways, and if you're smart you only need access to the device one time. From there and if the device has an internet connection, you could set the keylogger up to send you updates at whatever time on whatever day you want. I will also mention that installing and hiding a keylogger would take no longer than 3 or 4 minutes. 'Unmonitored access' as you called it, would only be needed for a few moments, like while OP's girlfriend was asleep (isnt that what she was doing to begin with?).
So im not sure where your hostility comes from, its not like im the one who invaded your privacy. In fact, you act like you know what your talking about, but yet really have no clue. Maybe that little FYI will enlighten you. Or you could just do some google research before you post again.
[deleted]: Wow. You got so offended that you wrote a book.
pwnmonkey: The book of butthurt.
Matttized: *Ooooooooooohhhhh*
| 7 | 25.571429 | |
1397076993 | 1397179747 | t3_22mz7w | t5_2to41 | 35 | Krocsyldiphithic: TIFU by grasping a wine glass too tight
I was sitting on the toilet with a glass of wine in my left hand when all of a sudden an old intrusive compulsion returned to me; the thought of squeezing a glass with my hand until it shattered. I remembered having this compulsion several times in the past, but it always seemed nearly impossible to manage, so I wasn't too worried. I squeezed it a little bit, imagining it shattering in my hands into a big mess; and behold, that's exactly what it did. I actually crushed the glass in my hand at the exact moment that I was thinking about how it possibly couldn't break. Luckily, I reacted so quickly that I didn't properly squeeze my hand around the shards, but rather dropped it immediately. I cut my index finger pretty bad in two places, but trust me, that's enough to cause quite a stir when on the toilet with your tiny bathroom floor covered in shards of glass and wine.
At least I discovered a neat way to quickly turn white wine into red wine.
moochie94: wait, you drink wine while on the toilet?
Krocsyldiphithic: What? I'm not gonna stop drinking just because I need to go to the toilet now, am I?
| 3 | 11.666667 | |
1397086137 | 1397218346 | t3_22ndvh | t5_2to41 | 30 | Pio600: TIFU by not knowing how to Facebook.
So yeah, as the title suggests, I messed up with Facebook.
Since somewhere in January, I've been "Liking" These interesting pages (NSFW, Weird Stuff) and I've been COMPLETELY oblivious to the fact that all of my Facebook friends could see them.
So today a good friend of mine pointed that out and it turns out that a LOT of my friends (That I know in person) actually saw every damn thing I liked... Including my family.
And to add insult to injury, I have a family get together in a few weeks.
Reddit, Today I fucked up... Big time!
[deleted]: Give us examples!
Pio600: I'm just not gonna do that... Personal privacy if ya don't mind...
d3n14l: That ship might have sailed.
A_Person_You_Knew: The big ship sailed on the alley, alley, o!
Alley, alley, o!
The big ship sailed on the alley, alley, o!
On the last day of september!
_________________________________________
Great. You just reminded me of this song.
d3n14l: Is this a pirate themed poem? Because if it is then very, very yes.
A_Person_You_Knew: Yes. :L
| 7 | 4.285714 | |
1397075807 | 1397158415 | t3_22mx7c | t5_2to41 | 4 | Heraclitus94: TIFU on my midterm
So, I had a midterm today in my Python class. I thought the midterm was on Friday, so I was planning on studying tonight and tomorrow to get read for it. So, I'm pretty sure I blew it big time and fucked up.
Kwauhn: Here people want to laugh/cringe at other peoples' mistakes/downfalls. I can understand why you'd post this and want to talk about it, but maybe this isn't the appropriate sub for this story. Anyway, good luck :)
i_pk_pjers_i: I don't think that's the problem, I think the problem is OP just didn't make his story interesting enough with an interesting writing style and there wasn't enough detail in it for it to fit into this subreddit. This is Reddit, not Twitter.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1397087699 | 1397145234 | t3_22ng9n | t5_2to41 | 3,095 | ladypooper: TIFU by shitting my panties and cleaning myself up with salicylic acid.
So today I got a little over excited about some new almond milk iced coffee I bought and because it's been 90 degrees at 8:00 am where I live and this stuff is so damn delicious I chugged two large glasses, with this I also had a nice yogurt and was out the door. I was feeling great today, I had just bought a new pair of short shorts. They're sheer and billowy so I just threw on a little nude thong underneath. For lunch I grabbed a huge sandwich with a friend, she didn't want her pickles (this place makes their own and they're AWESOME) so I happily scarfed down a huge amount with my lunch. 10 minutes later I was driving home and start to get that familiar rumble in my stomach signaling I might need to make da poopy pretty soon, but I could wait. Within 5 minutes that rumble turned into an INTENSE cramping, the kind that makes you break out in a cold sweat, my hands were shaking and I was starting to see double. I was about 10 minutes from my house. I floored it as the cramping intensified. Just as I rounded the corner to my street, shit started reverse raping my poor virgin asshole in a violent poo-nami. Tears flowed from my eyes as diarrhea flowed from my ass. But not just any diarrhea, it's like my digestive system literally forgot it had to digest those pickles and my poop could be described as nothing less than the feeling of swabbing my tender balloon knot with a red hot branding iron. I was sobbing hysterically while pulling into my driveway as I had now ruined my shorts and car seat. I frantically dashed from my car and ran directly into the mailman, his face instantly went pale as he noticed putrid coffee pickle shit seeping through my shorts, my thong not doing a thing to stop it, I burst into tears again and ran to my bathroom where I ripped my shorts and panties off and started trying to clean myself up. I thought I had suffered enough now...but no, the gods were still angry for as I weakly reached for some summers eve wipes (vagina wipes to keep your lady bits smelling like flowers) But I accidentally grabbed some makeup remover wipes that are essentially just napkins soaked in salicylic acid. Now, for those of you that have never put salicylic acid on your face it fucking BURNS. Now, imagine having shit razor blades and fire and bleach and having the equivalent of an open wound (MY VAGINA) and rubbing those acid wipes ALL OVER YOUR DOWNSTAIRS. I began screaming as the pain immediately hit me. I crawled into the shower and sat spread eagle on the floor furiously rubbing my poor puss and tush. My labia turned bright red and my ass never stopped stinging. I dragged myself like a dog with broken legs to my bed and am now lying naked with a pillow crammed between my legs praying for the pain and misery to end.
**EDIT:**Hey thanks for the gold, man. Glad you felt my burning crotch and ass was worth it, and as for an update: I used "anti-icky-poo" to clean my car seats, threw away my shorts and underwear, and the swelling in my labia went down. It's still a little uncomfortable to sit in certain positions but I think I'm going to make it!
a55bandit: Why does it seem like everyone who shits their pants in a master with words?
butt-chin: Yeah, I hate to be that guy who says "fake" but these stories are just so grandiosely and elaborately told sometimes that they seem fake.
ladypooper: Maybe dramatic digestive systems and story telling habits always just come as a pair.
Likes_Information: Maybe it's because shit comes out both ends for most people, but it only comes out the ass for you.... you know, because of your way with words and all.
LostMyTrainOf-: That was awkward but you definitely tried
madillinsane: >definatly
seriasly?
_aex: I think he meant defiantly.
OWNdizzaled: Ah, that clares it up for me.
MizterUltimaman: *claeres
| 10 | 309.5 | |
1397092797 | 1397098616 | t3_22no4w | t5_2to41 | 54 | Avenged7fold: TIFU by Accidentally (attempting at making a joke) calling my slightly overweight female friend Fat
So my Friend who is a little on the chubby side and pretty sensitive about it was Flipping her shit because she needed a dress for her older sisters wedding. She was unable to contact anyone else so out of desperation texted me asking to help. She was sending pictures of herself in different dresses and asking me about fashion ([Related](http://i.imgur.com/YEAEsXV.jpg)).
When she sent me a picture asking "does this one make my ass look fat?". I answered instinctively (I always make this joke with friends, so I said it without thinking) with the message "No your fat ass makes your ass look fat".
Realizing I made a joke at the wrong time I instantly knew I fucked up. I messaged her back explaining it was reflex and it wasnt serious, but she hasnt messaged me back since. My only last contact was her friend messaging me calling me various vulgar slurs.
TL;DR Called overweight friend fat because I instinctively make the same joke when jokingly asked the question.
weeblewobble82: Tsk tsk. With any luck she'll get over it when she realizes you're sincere and she gets over her body crisis.
also, lol.
Avenged7fold: I stupid'd myself weebs.
I stupid'd all over myself
weeblewobble82: We all do it from time to time. But it's not *all* your fault. The ass is partially to blame
Avenged7fold: I stupid'd so hard it will be pretty hard to forget.
I doubt this stain will ever come out
weeblewobble82: Not with that attitude!
Avenged7fold: Nothing will get his stain out, I tried soap and bleach.
Neither tasted too good
| 7 | 7.714286 | |
1397092375 | 1397096624 | t3_22nnhf | t5_2to41 | 80 | gerbilseverywhere: TIFU by accidentally going to school while high
So for the past few days I've had this nasty cold where my voice is all scratchy and my throat is on fire along with the usual congestion and whatnot. This morning, I woke up coughing as if I'd been smoking for 70 years, so I decided to take some cough medicine.
So I go downstairs, take some DayQuil for my congestion, and some Delsym cough suppressant for my newly found cough. I thought it sounded like a great idea! No way will I let this cold stop me from going to school! So off I go
I'm sitting in Marine Biology, when I start feeling really light. Like I lift my leg and it's basically a feather. I find it hard to sit upright so I keep slouching down further into my chair, and then I can hardly keep my head up. I end up with my face on my desk for half of the class, not even listening
After class I went to the nurse and explained what happened. I was informed that I was currently high, and that I should probably go home. My blood pressure was at 179/96 or something so I had to be picked up.
On the plus side, it was pretty fun wandering around the halls after marine bio
tl;dr: don't take two different cough medicines unless you wanna get high
PsychonaticInstitute: That is a very low dose experience, but for you it was probably quite novel! Glad you enjoyed it, and didn't get too dissociative in a public place. If you are interested, and want to learn more, find out what the active ingredients are in your medicines and read about them yourself :)
Educating yourself in psychoactive medicine and a harm reduction approach to using them is the key to a long lasting, healthy, and safe relationship with them!
I recommend starting with this link.
[Delsym] (http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Delsym)
autowikibot: #####	
######	
####	
[**Delsym**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Delsym): [](#sfw)
---
>
>__Delsym__ is an American brand of [over-the-counter](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Over-the-counter_substance) [cough medicine](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cough_medicine) owned by [Reckitt Benckiser](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reckitt_Benckiser). It is different from most brands of cough medicine in that the active ingredient is "[time released](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slow-release)". The time release feature allows the drug to suppress the cough reflex for a longer period of time. The active ingredient per teaspoon (5 [mL](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Milliliter)) is dextromethorphan polistirex, equivalent to dextromethorphan HBr 30 mg.
>
---
^Interesting: [^Dextromethorphan](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dextromethorphan) ^| [^List ^of ^drugs: ^De](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_drugs:_De) ^| [^Recreational ^use ^of ^dextromethorphan](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Recreational_use_of_dextromethorphan) ^| [^Recreational ^drug ^use](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Recreational_drug_use)
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| 3 | 26.666667 | |
1397095286 | 1397631419 | t3_22ns3a | t5_2to41 | 42 | throwawayaccount1909: TIFU by taking adderall
Well, reddit. I fucked up. I don't have A.D.D. or A.D.H.D. and I took some because I needed to get caught up on schoolwork and just increase my focus in general. I have a friend who can get adderall and I decided to buy from him. $11 for five 20 mg xr's so why not?
Here's my mistake. I was wanting to stay focused. My friend suggested I take them all at once (I think he was kidding) but I declined. I decided to take two at the same time and then went about my day. Did I mention I've never taken adderall before? Well, it definitely wasn't a good idea to start off with 40 mg. I worked through school and then it gets toward the end of the day and I notice it's starting to fade.
I still have work to get done so I took another one so I'll still be motivated.
Biggest mistake.
First time taking adderall without being A.D.H.D and I'm already at 60mg. I get home, start doing a bunch of assignments that weren't even supposed to be turned in, and then it started to hit me. The comedown.
I feel extremely nauseous right now and I've been doing just about everything I can to stop it. Drank plenty of water all day and I think I'm still dehydrated.
Needless to say I don't think I'm going to be picking up any adderall for a long time if at all.
TL;DR: I bought adderall to stay focused at school and ended up taking a huge dose that ended up with very negative side effects.
EDIT: I probably should also have mentioned that the reason I took such a high first dose was because my friend (who has a history with drugs, which I should have remembered before taking the amount I did) made it seem like I wasn't going to feel hardly anything with just a single 20 mg capsule. Either way, I was a dumbass in this matter.
EDIT 2: I don't think I'm going to get much sleep tonight.
oxywhorephone: try researching a drug before putting a random amount of it into your body for the first time ever.
spacedoutinspace: thats not research?
oxywhorephone: ...no thats carelessness
| 4 | 10.5 | |
1397073437 | 1397162562 | t3_22mt9n | t5_2to41 | 31 | ThatsNotSkanking: tifu by offering to lend a hand
Served a guy at work today who struggled a bit to pick his shopping up, so I asked if he needed a hand.
He had one arm.
I'm still cringing.
Beardyhead: Since you were being sincere, the guy probably didn't get phased by it. Just another day in the life for him.
ThatsNotSkanking: I don't think so, he just sorta smiled quickly and shook his head before picking his stuff up. I couldn't help thinking 'Oh god I can't believe I actually said that' all day though.
| 3 | 10.333333 | |
1397132232 | 1397138606 | t3_22or2u | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: I was touched by science
TheLaurence: How did you accidentally spill this fucking hot liquid on your thighs and other body parts?
[deleted]: > Unfortunately, these gourds don't have very stable bases, and I am not a very coordinated person.
Physics. And stupid.
TheLaurence: Ha ha ha. That reminded me once when i was younger i drank boiling water from a thermos thinking it wasnt hot. So yea, i burnt my tongue, mouth, neck and upper chest
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1397108045 | 1397142214 | t3_22o8y1 | t5_2to41 | 27 | mrclark75: TIFU by acceding to my wife's wishes for the bedroom.
My wife suggested a few weeks ago, that I should shave down below. I decided to surprise her the other day so I shaved up while she was out, but it wasn't until tonight, several days after shaving, that we finally got busy. In that interval the stubble had been growing and while it doesn't seem rough apparently if approached just right it can be pretty sharp.
Things were going great at first but as soon as my shuttle made contact with the docking bay the warning sirens went off. We tried a few different approaches but eventually we had to abort the mission. Based on current schedules it's going to be at least a week before another approach can be attempted.
TL;DR: Did some manscaping and the resulting stubble had my wife screaming for all the wrong reasons.
dirtydela: Just shave it again!
mrclark75: Don't want to be shaving my balls every two or three days or every time we want to have sex.
dirtydela: But you would like to have sex....
mrclark75: Every damn day, so I'll just grow it back out again and just keep it trimmed to a manageable level.
| 5 | 5.4 | |
1397142486 | 1397232539 | t3_22p4sh | t5_2to41 | 46 | pourlesgarcons: TIFU by taking a very expensive piss
TL;DR I saved my dorm from burning down by putting out a viscious fire with the most effective firefighting instrument known to man.
This actually happened last weekend but I'm just posting it now. My actions were the result of getting absolutely obliterated on saturday night. Through a combination of eating a single bread roll all day (I'm in a dorm so I slept through breakfast saturday morning, lunch wasn't very nice so I only ate the bread roll, and skipping dinner to drink instead), and drinking above my usual sobriety threshold. Bad idea.
I have no recollection of any events occuring past 9.30pm, other than vomiting at the bar then walking home by myself, which I'm not even sure I did. At some point during the night, whether I had gone to bed and woken up or done this when I got back I do not know, I unknowingly decided to release the built up tension contained within my trouser hose and put out the raging fire engulfing my laptop. (At least I assume was my motivation for this event.) Everyone is yet to thank me for my valiant efforts, but I am assuming dorm-wide appreciation is not too far away.
I woke up and went to breakfast, completely unaware of last night's heroic actions, then walked back up to my room to find my laptop keyboard covered in clear liquid, and unresponsive. Perplexed, initially I thought it could have been sabotage by a fellow student, but as I got closer I realised it was most likely sabotage by a fellow body part.
Unfortunately as it was a sunday I had nowhere to take my laptop for repair. Monday came around, and I took it in to the service store. Suprise, surprise, it was rooted. Luckily, my crotch cannon had been unable to destroy the SSD contained within the laptop so all my data was recovered. However, sadly the insurance company informed us that since they had not been notified of my change in address that they were not liable to cover the damage caused by my not-so prudent pink pipe.
So guess who's going to be working all summer!
2twinoaks: That's dumb that you weren't covered by the insurance that you pay for.
pourlesgarcons: Yup, insurance companies will find any little way they can wiggle out of paying up. I now have plenty of cover for the contents of my room, albeit a wee bit too late.
2twinoaks: Hahahaha, good luck, bro!
| 4 | 11.5 | |
1397143792 | 1400908711 | t3_22p6sh | t5_2to41 | 6,388 | Lightngcrash: TIFU By kicking a kid with Down syndrome in the face
Today was not a good day.
Starts off with me in class, as I feel the urge to shit, i go. Whilst I was shitting the lights went out, (some generator fail as I assume.) and I think, well fuck. I'm still gonna finish, but shitting in the dark is no easy task. As I'm almost done, I hear the door open, as the room is filled with light, only to be taken away. I hear a slight "[hehehehehe](http://i.imgur.com/zqVZy.jpg)." Shit that was scary. I start to hear crawling of sorts. All of the sudden, the lights came back, and I find a kid with Down syndrome crawling underneath the stall I'm in looking at me. He goes "**HEHEHEHEHE**" in the most terrifying voice. After my initial scream I react the only way I knew I could. I kicked his face, sending him into the stall door, where he passed out. I quickly gathered myself, got up, and ran. I'm thinking of dropping out.
Now this is, I shit you not what happened. I am in no way making fun if people with special needs. Nor should you.
EDIT: it's 11 AM and I just got called into the principals. Will update later
UPDATE: 11:40 AM Got called into principals for a reason that's uninvolved with my story. I see Down syndrome kid in the office w/ a black eye. He points at me saying "ITS HIM HEHEHEHEHEHE" I shit you the fuck not. Waiting outside principals again, will update soon.
UPDATe: 11:56 AM Principal yelled at me for kicking Down syndrome kid in the face. He still couldn't help but laugh. Got a Saturday school, but that's about it. I left my principal in tears of laughter though. Will be responding to most posts if you got any questions.
UPDATE: 2:47 PM Got call into the office, principal said he saw the reddit post and read over it. After "further investigation" of the comment section, he has lifted the detention. REDDIT: 1 DOWN SYNDROME: 0 and no I don't know his username
~~EDIT: Im now playing DayZ, if anyone would like to play and hear a wonderful story of how i kicked a down syndrome kid~~
**MANDATORY EDIT**: Fuck up of the week ey? Damn did I really fuck up that bad?
tonysbeard: Holy shit, I'm dying laughing. Poor kid, didn't know what hit him! Did you at least tell someone he was passed out on the bathroom floor?
Lightngcrash: No. I don't want to get in trouble :C
chr0m389: Being unconscious is like..
Super bad for you.
desrosiers: I mean, you get like 8 freebies.
morganml: no, no you don't.
FlyingPasta: Archer reference.
morganml: .....Is it?
FlyingPasta: Uh, I'm not sure whether I'm being made fun of or what
morganml: My job here is done.
PresidentCelestia: What
morganml: Hey
[deleted]: Hey
morganml: What?
[deleted]: I'unno
| 15 | 425.866667 | |
1397153877 | 1397611765 | t3_22pnmb | t5_2to41 | 348 | throwaway2932943: TIFU by accidentally using an ex-girlfriend's name in place of my fiancee's name in an email to her, her family, and my family
Title pretty much says it all. Been engaged for 8 months now and dating for several years before that. She sent an email out to me, my immediate family, and her immediate family with a proof of our wedding invitation for everyone to review. I responded back saying it looked good and commented how nice the script typeface was on her name. Except when I wrote her full name out, I substituted an old ex-girlfriend's first name for her first name. WHAT. I don't even. I haven't thought about this ex for years and years, I don't have any regrets, repressed feels, ANYTHING for this ex. I have NO idea why my brain decided to write it. Didn't notice until I sent the e-mail and unconsciously re-read it from my sent mail folder. I have never felt fear like this before. I'm just in shock. I don't think it would be catastrophic if it was an email to just my fiancee, but it was like her whole family and mine too. All I can think of is that old Friends episode where Ross says the wrong name, except I'm Ross and this is real life. Am I fucked? I think I'm fucked.
------------
**EDIT**: Okay, everyone, if you ever find yourself in this situation, here's how to deal with it. First, make sure that the person to whom you are engaged trusts you 100% and you trust them 100%. Also, make sure they have a sense of humor and having good mutual communication doesn't hurt either. I was too shocked and stunned to address the situation immediately (plus, I was at work) so it wasn't till several hours later I was able to get back and check my e-mail. No one had said anything. Shit. Called my fiancee as soon as I had time. Wasn't sure how to address the elephant in the room at first until she said "So...that e-mail. Did you call me your ex-girlfriend's name?" Double shit. So I started to explain, but what really came out of my mouth was a series of sounds that could only be compared to Slippy Toad yelling wildly after shotgunning a can of Red Bull and helium. After calming down, I basically just told her the 100% truth. My best read of her emotions was that she was slightly hurt but doing her best to make light of the situation. According to her, most women harbor a seed of jealousy that, like addiction, never goes away but you just learn to control it. We started laughing when I explained that I was so panicked, I turned to internet peoples for help. I actually read her this very reddit post and some of your comments and we laughed together. She definitely forgave me and said she understood, but made me promise that if she yells Bill Murray's name out in bed, I cannot hold it against her now.
As for our families, we agreed to white lie the shit out of her family if they ever question me. I think it could easily be passed off as a brain fart due to a cube neighbor with that name, as her family does not know my ex-girlfriend's name. My family does, however, and I got an angry call from my two sisters last night. They were more pissed than my fiancee, in fact. My parents are rather clueless and may not even have noticed, but if they ever ask about it, I'll just tell them my fuckup and don't ever say anything to anyone.
**TL;DR - Was honest to fiancee, think things went over well. White lie to families, other than angry, observant sisters.**
Stink_Snake: Blame it on your phone's auto-correct.
Hotseflots: This is sensible advice.
throwaway2932943: Two problems - first, I was on my desktop computer, not a smartphone, and secondly, their names aren't even similar in the least bit, so I can't blame it on fat-fingering either.
ssjkriccolo: Plus, the whole lying thing. Just say you fucked up and had a brain fart. I once called Edward James Olmos as Grant Morrison instead I don't even know who the fuck Grant Morrison is. It just popped in my head.
smarmyfrenchman: How mad was he?
ssjkriccolo: He just said "orale, ese" and walked off into the sunset to eat cholos or something.
voodooruka: Churros you mean? If he were to eat cholos...that would either make him a cannibal or a cast member in a really gangster gay porn.
ssjkriccolo: mmm powdered donuts...
| 9 | 38.666667 | |
1397154529 | 1397164606 | t3_22pop3 | t5_2to41 | 36 | swtbbyray: TIFU by leaving a flash drive of with a folder containing nude pics of my ex's on the school computer.
I was formatting a paper and used an old flash drive. Big mistake. The pics are very very graphic. I hope nobody notices and I don't get expelled. I really fucked up.
MobofGlitch: Its way worse than potential expulsion my friend. If shes under 18, and the wrong person finds it, you can both get arrested for creation/possession of child pornography. Happens from time to time with teens sending sexting pics.
Alternatively, somebody finds it & distributes it on the internet & pretty much ruins your ex girlfriend's life & reputation in the near future (depending on your feelings towards your ex you may or may not care about this.) You fucked up.
GeekPlaya: No pressure doe.
| 3 | 12 | |
1397157099 | 1397217681 | t3_22psvj | t5_2to41 | 815 | abootypatooty: TIFU by farting in my doctors' face and then shitting on her
Personally, I have some serious ass problems. It all stems from a minor case of Crohns disease (for the uninformed, Crohns is an auto-immune disease that effects the intestines). A while back I developed a painful bump fairly close to my butthole. The other day, this bump erupted, and began spewing out a stream of blood mixed with the worst smelling yellow pus you can imagine. This had me concerned. So I went to get it checked out, and after a rather intimate exam my perplexed doctor sent me to the Colo-rectal surgeon. Of course, the surgeon was a female. Not particularly attractive, maybe early 40s, but a female with tits and a twat none the less. To my delight & horror, she had a med school student on her rotations with her that day. A fairly cute girl no less, maybe 23 years old (I'm 22), who I guess drew the short straw when choosing offices that week. After I gave the doc a brief description, she said it sounded like an anal fistula, and asked to take a look. So I wrangled up my pride, dropped trough, and bent over the table for these 2 girls to closely inspect an area of my body even I've never seen. After some painful poking and prodding with a sharp metal hook, she said it did in fact appear to be a fistula, and she would need to inspect inside to see if there is a second opening inside the rectum. Awesome.
So I sheepishly watch as she lubed her finger up, and proceeded to take my anal virginity along with whatever was left of my dignity that day, all under the watchful eye of sexy med school student. Hopeful it would be over soon, I zoned out during the examination. Little did I know the fun was far from over. The surgeon told me she couldn't feel anything, and would need to inspect closer with a camera. Great. She then picks up the phone and calls in the nurse to help with the exam. Minutes later, in walks the nurse (I'm still bent over the table at this point), wheeling in a cart with what could be best described as a large metal dildo attached to a lens. That couldn't be the camera could it? So now in the room there is me bent over a table, 3 women, my oozing smelly fistula, and a metallic medical device that looks like it was stolen from some eastern Romanian sex dungeon. She saw the look of terror on my face as I eyed this device, and apologetically confirmed my fears that it would indeed be going up my asshole in the all too near future. I was a broken, empty shell of a man at this point. I just nodded, & closed my eyes all while praying I would not secretly enjoy this (getting anally probed & finding out I was in fact gay at the same time would have just been too much for me to handle at the time).
Well, now lets rewind back about an hour and a half. I was rolling out of my bed after waking up to my 3rd alarm...realizing I nearly overslept. I sprinted to the shower, and scrubbed my asshole thoroughly in anticipation for the appointment. It wasn't until after I got out did I remember I had forgotten to take my morning shit. If I did it now, I'd have to rewash my ass. No time for that...so I rushed to the car & drove to the hospital. Fast forward back to where we were... this whole time in the office I had been desperately clamping down on an epic morning after tequila shots & tacos shit. This dastardly turd was further loosened by the previously mentioned anal fingering. My mind was elsewhere, I don't remember where, anywhere but the moment I was in as the surgeon put her eye to the lens, knelt down to ass level, and slowly penetrated my anus with the metal dildo cam. Well, if you've never had this sensation, you'd be surprised how difficult it actually is to hold a clench while your rectum is being pried open. So, To my shame & embarrassment... I let out the smelliest, nastiest fart in recent memory ..right in the surgeons face. It was like Satan himself was blowing a trumpet from deep within in my small intestines. Her face was maybe 6 inches from my ass. And oh my god, the smell...a tsunami of putrid stink from the toilets of Mordor washed over the room. It was like huffing the bile-covered bed sores from the taint of an immobile 450lb jenkem addict stuck wallowing in his own piss & filth for the better part of a decade. But alas, how I wish it ended there. The fart must have released the gaseous cork which was the last defense holding back the poo-nado... and I proceeded to unleash a torrent of shit all over the doctor's hand, the camera, and the office floor. Without saying anything...the doctor grabbed a paper towel, and scooped the dripping shit out of my ass crack, and wiped me clean. She finished the examination without saying anything about it (which almost made that much worse just wondering what she must have been thinking), shit still dripping off the table, the vile stench filling my nostrils with regret, all while the nurse and sexy med school student silently looked on with shameful eyes.
**TL;DR** I farted in my female doctor's face and proceeded to shit on her with 2 other girls watching.
**Edit:** To all the white knights, yes, I am aware liking things in your ass does not automatically make you gay. However, there are a few moments in every straight man's life when they seriously question their own heterosexuality. Laying bent over a table preparing to have a metal dildo shoved up your ass while wondering if this is what it would feel like to get prison raped by Optimus Prime turned out to be one of those moments for me. Go figure. I'm sorry if that makes you butthurt, but I can assure you you're not as butthurt as I was at the time.
**Edit 2** for all the amateur colo-rectal surgeons that are apparently patrolling Reddit (interesting hobby)... The exam was not a Colonoscopy, which explores deep into the lining of the large intestines. The exam I was given would be referred to as a Rectoscopy...which looks farther down the track, and is normally done right in the exam room without warning or prep. If you are a guy, at some point in your life you will likely get a prostate exam. This was similar to having a prostate exam, except after the doctor snorted coke off of a strippers' grundle and poured hot wax onto their own nipples and was feeling extra frisky. Google Rectocope if you really need a visual.
pezz29: > Not particularly attractive, maybe early 40s, but a female with tits and a twat none the less. To my delight & horror, she had a med school student on her rotations with her that day. A fairly cute girl no less, maybe 23 years old (I'm 22),
> I just nodded, & closed my eyes all while praying I would not secretly enjoy this (getting anally probed & finding out I was in fact gay at the same time would have just been too much for me to handle at the time).
What a delightful attitude towards gender you have...
the-infinite-jester: man, this was my thought too. who cares if it's a girl or guy doctor?? it's not like there's a chance OP would be going on a date with either of them anyway, and doctors are used to seeing awful, horrible things. especially if she's a proctologist. shit, i see a male OBGYN because he went through a fuckload of schooling to know everything about vaginas, but i don't put make-up on before my appointments or sit there judging his attractiveness when he's got his fingers in my 'twat', as OP so delicately calls it.
OP should have taken a shit before going to get his ass checked out in the first place-especially if he has Crohn's- and is a huge dick for not doing that. also, it's not general practice to do a colonoscopy without a 24-hour cleanse first anyway, so i'm gonna call bullshit on this one. TIFU is turning into 'today i shit myself in front of someone of the opposite gender', and it's getting boring.
abootypatooty: It was not a colonoscopy as she was not looking deep into my colon smart girl...scoping is a relatively common exam room procedure to examine the rectum. thanks for your input though and your suggestion of when I should and should not have taken a shit...as of course I fully expected a large probe to be shoved up my ass when leaving the house this day. I hope some day I may have the honor of farting on your face to thank you for your wisdom
the-infinite-jester: gross.
jiminthenorth: Pray you never have to read about colposcopies.
the-infinite-jester: why? i've had one. i was more referring to his mention of wanting to fart on my face.
jiminthenorth: Oh fair enough, thought you were a bloke. To me, until proven otherwise, all posters on the internet are 45 year old truckers called Dave.
And would it be better if he called your mother a hamster and offered to fart in your general direction?
the-infinite-jester: well, I'm certainly no Dave, but there are those that call me... Tim
jiminthenorth: Fair enough then Tim, I'll tag you as that on RES :)
| 10 | 81.5 | |
1397155643 | 1397395857 | t3_22pqhh | t5_2to41 | 74 | njs42: TIFU by going to the bathroom and then needing surgery on my thumb, in France
So I came home to my nice tiny little apartment (in the typically Parisian style of it being a single room with a shower, kitchen and a bed, with the shared toilet down the hall) and decided I wanted a cup of tea.
So I closed my window as it was getting a bit chilly, and put some water in a saucepan as I don't have a kettle. Everything was nice with the world. I then needed a wee, so I grabbed my keys and went down the hall thinking that the water will take 5 minutes to boil while having a slash takes 30 seconds tops. I come back to my room and suddenly my heart just sinks. I don't have my door key... fuck. For some reason I separated my keys that afternoon. I think it was so they'd fit into the pockets if my tight sexy jeans that day... Anyway, no key.
Fuck.
It's midnight, the concierge won't answer her door, my phone is in my room so I can't phone my landlord and none of that matters anyway because the HOB IS ON. The hob is on. How long does a saucepan of water take to boil dry? How long before a dry saucepan bursts into flame? I don't know. I don't have time to know. How do I get in??
I knock my neighbour's door. I've never met her before but I think she's American. An Italian answers. I try French. Nope. English. Nope. Spanish. Nope. Her American cousin wakes up and looks at my panicky face. Can I climb out your window please???
I clamber onto the roof of a seventh floor Parisian apartment and shimmy along to my own room. My window is kinda old so maybe I can force my way in. Nope. Back I go. What now??
The only thing for it. Forced entry. I borrow and can of peas and a towel and I shimmy on out again. The seventh floor. There is enough of a roof but even so, shit scared. I wrap the towel around my hand and whack the pane of glass. It takes five hits before I feel the towel slide off and the glass give way and smash. And a sharp pain in my thumb.
That's it. The next few days of my life just flashed before my eyes. Blood. Window repairs. Hospital? Left handed everything for a while. Fuck.
Well, I open the window through the new hole in the glass and bleed my way into the room and switch off the hob. No time for tea, Dr Jones! Now I look at my big flappy bloody thumb. And the murder scene of smashed glass and drops of blood in my wake. I grab my actual keys and call into my new neighbour friend and ask if she knows anything about thumbs. She doesn't.
My friends come over and we spend the night in Urgences (a bureaucratic nightmare in itself) before they send me home in a bandage with the promise of surgery in the next few days. Fantastic.
All that for a cup of tea and a wee.
TL;DR Put some hot water in a saucepan to make a cup of tea and ended up locking myself out, climbing out the 7th floor and punching my way in through my window and giving myself a flappy thumb that needs French thumb surgery.
OC4815162342: You actually pay to live in an apartment and share a bathroom with people you don't know? I live in a college dorm and have it better than you.
njs42: It's pretty normal here. The rooms are so small in the city centre. Good thing is that I don't pay... Get it as part of my job.
OC4815162342: Even still, you share a toilet with people you don't know, perfect example is this neighbor who helper you.
njs42: Uh yes, I'm aware of the situation.
OC4815162342: I'm just saying that it's surprising that that exists outside of college.
njs42: To give a bit of context, the room I live in is an old "chambre de bonne" (maid's room). A lot of Paris was built in a very uniform style (look up Baron von Haussman) of 7 floored buildings, with 6 floors of regular big apartments and the 7th floor full of tiny apartments for the maids.
Most big rich flats came with one of these small rooms on the top floor, but what you'll find now is that they're either being used for storage or are sold off as cheap housing for students or young professionals. A few of the rooms on my floor have had the walls knocked through to the next apartment and their own bathrooms installed. But I guess mine is still pretty traditional.
It's kinda cool, I was looking at an article about students in 60s Paris and they were all living in the same sort of rooms as me.
OC4815162342: Huh, cool, thanks for the info. TIL.
amplebooty: You've never heard of small apartments in the centre of a capital city?
OC4815162342: Of course I have, but they usually have their own bathroom.
rivermelodyidk: Dude, it's really not that weird in other countries..
OC4815162342: How would I know? Have I ever lived in an apartment in France? No, I haven't. I asked a question about something that was foreign to me, sorry to offend you.
rivermelodyidk: I only commented after reading like, 4 of your posts insisting it was weird..
| 13 | 5.692308 | |
1397160509 | 1397176291 | t3_22pyfu | t5_2to41 | 22 | Nathan_Go_By_Nate: TIFU by getting my university's incoming freshmen class Facebook page deleted
I recently decided that I would join the Facebook page for the college I will be attending in the fall (I'm a senior in high school right now). The page was unofficial. When I joined, there were roughly 3,000 members and only one admin. The admin's name was "Johnny Knoxville" and his profile picture was a shirtless guy who, based on his other pictures, was most likely not actually him. His job was listed as a "promoter at Rutgers" and it said that he studied at tufts, neither of which is the college I'm attending. He also seemed to be advertising some sort of book buying service and a roommate finding service.
I used the group for a week or so and then the admin posted in the group telling everyone who wasn't going to the college next year to"get the fuck" out of the group.
This angered me, so I decided I would report him based on his clearly fake name and picture.
The day after I reported him the Facebook group was gone. I had my friend check on his account to verify that I wasn't just blocked and he couldn't find it either.
The group that a couple thousand kids were using to meet eachother before college was just gone...because of me.
So now there's no big group for us to talk to eachother on it find roommates on.
That_Deaf_Guy: So...make a group?
Nathan_Go_By_Nate: It would be impossible to get everyone back in the group
charwizz: I'd still make one because there is a chance that those who were part of that group will look for another, so you could get a few of them back.
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1397072948 | 1397847375 | t3_22msf6 | t5_2to41 | 12 | mustangwolf1997: TIFU by getting a fine.
I am 16 years old, attending grade 10 high school.
I received a large fine today.
It was lunch, and with all the stress that's been going on lately, I needed a smoke.
The smoking section was filled with mud, so I had to stand back.
Turns out, I was just over the imaginary line that separates the school property and the section.
The bell rang. Time for third period.
I walked up to the school with my best friend, and we looked up to see two men staring straight at me from the upstairs window.
I leaned over to my friend and said "I don't like how they're staring at me..." and as soon as we reached the doors, they turned and ran to the stairwell beside the window.
I walked towards the main hall and heard a simple "Young man, stop."
I turned around to see those two men standing there.
It's quite important to note that my best friend had gone to his class before this happened.
"We're with the **[INSERT FUCKING PROVINCIAL OFFENCE UNIT HERE]**, we'd like to ask you a few questions."
--------------------
Little break in the story. When I'm in a conflict, depending on who it is I'm talking to, I instinctively adapt one of two personalities.
I either fight like hell, or show complete respect.
This is the first time I ever chose the latter, and boy am I glad I did.
------------------------------
Long story short, they wanted to nail me for supplying to minors, and smoking on school property.
They sent me to class, and half an hour before the end of third, I was called down to the office.
They had reviewed the evidence, and wanted to talk to me about a few things before giving me the fine.
They were dropping the "Supplying to a minor" charges, and giving me the minimum fine for the "Smoking in a restricted area" charge.
The first officer also said that because of my behavior, he will be vouching for me if I choose payment option two.
This option, is that I go to the government building, plead guilty, and request a lowered amount to pay.
Yes, the undercover officer just told me that if I admitted guilt, he would convince the court to lower the price.
By how much you ask? Well my fine is currently $250, and the total is $305. The officer said he has seen the fines be reduced to as low as $50 total.
He told me that if I went to the government building and chose this option, they would contact him. He then said that because of how I acted, respect, honesty, and full admittance of guilt, they would lower it.
He gave me the fine, and we shook hands, I shook hands with his partner, I thanked them for their kindness, and he wished me good luck.
They confiscated my cigarettes and my case as evidence, and said once I pay the fine, that the employees at the government building would contact him and he would give it back.
Minus the cigarettes, of course.
I'll be heading to the government building tomorrow, and paying next Thursday.
---------
Tl;dr: I got fined by two undercover cops, and was given a benefiting option because of my instinctive behavior.
Don't smoke, kids.
------------
EDIT: Something I forgot to mention. The undercover officers were actually really nice about it, because I'm getting a minimum fine, and dropped supplying to a minor charges. Had he been anyone else, I would probably be paying $5,375. And that's if it's minimum on the supplying charges. Otherwise, it'd be $8,375. So yeah, I'm happy with how it turned out. Even if I can't get the fine lowered.
-------------
[Updated! I got it lowered to $95 total!](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/22srrt/tifupdate_i_got_fined/)
That_Deaf_Guy: Where are you from, North Korea?
mustangwolf1997: Canada.
Ice-Z: Wait. Cigarettes? I was about to post a diatribe about how pointless it is to go after kids smoking weed but it's just tobacco? Oh wow.
mustangwolf1997: I can see why they want to. Cigarettes are extremely harmful. One of the ingredients is in fact arsenic. The main ingredient in many brands of rat poison. It's pretty obvious that they would want to stop minors from smoking, and easy to see why. Even I agree with it, even though my hypocrisy is obvious due to the fact that I smoke.
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1397160655 | 1397254221 | t3_22pyos | t5_2to41 | 47 | maicel34: TIFU by letting google translate read me someone's TIFU.
So my mum was, for some reason, very pissed at me being a little bit late with going to bed. As I browse Reddit quickly I saw [-->THIS<--](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/22p6sh/tifu_by_kicking_a_kid_with_down_syndrome_in_the/) story. I figured that I could instead of reading speed the process up by letting Google Translate read it to me while I packed my bag for school.
Hilarity ensued. I've hardy ever laughed harder then I did when I head a British computer voice use all those swears and stuff. Only thing is, my mom heard it too and presumed I was still playing games or something and started yelling at me from downstairs and now she's pissed. She won't even listen.
Psychedelic_Leg: Just tried letting google translate read that story for me, it was fucking hilarious, especially the "huehuehuehue" part
Blackwind123: Do it in different languages too. German is hilarious.
Hearing Julia Gillard read it is hilarious too.
dbsndust: Put it in Italian or Polish and it sounds like the other kid is reading it
Blackwind123: Damn, you're right... ^kinda
| 5 | 9.4 | |
1397169705 | 1397184002 | t3_22qd5v | t5_2to41 | 65 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating a chocolate pastry right after I took a poop.
This one is kind of gross and I'm sorry. I had a sriracha steak melt from Subway for lunch at work today and the shit I had brewing almost cut me in two. I rushed to the bathroom and let'er rip. Look over, not much tp left but I'm confident in my shit wiping abilities. Wipe, flush, move into hand washing. Didn't notice that I had a bit on the inside of my finger, like between my index and middle.
About ten minutes later I hear there are pastries from a local bakery someone had brought in for the crew. I hop right on that shit... Ugh... And dig into a mini chocolate cream pie. Whoa this is delicous! Hey, look, I got some on my finger. Let me just be an idiot and lick it off. Bad idea ladies and gentlemen. I was confused at first and then I realised what I had done. The gum I have is not doing justice to my ego. I feel like a dumbass.
Richy8447: how the fuck do you wash your hands???
ModestMoist: Not well enough, apparently.
AccidentalRebel72: Did you wash it in the toilet? Was your soap the dump?
| 4 | 16.25 | |
1397175453 | 1397177674 | t3_22qlql | t5_2to41 | 9 | Orphillius: TIFU by kicking a ball
To get it out of the way: this actually happened a long time ago yadda yadda etc
So at my old middle school, we had this big grassy field where the kids could go to hang out and kick around soccer balls and eat grass, you know, kid stuff.
So one day I'm just walking along on the field with my friend, being the coolest dude, when this soccer ball comes rolling right at me. Obviously I wasn't gonna let that shit fly, so I kick the stupid fucker with all of the strength in my dumb child legs.
The ball went bouncing off in the direction of some girls who were sitting around on the grass. One of the girls was laying on her back, and the ball just slammed down right on her face. It hit her really hard, and I don't think I'd ever laughed harder in my life. So that was great, but it wasn't over.
The girl's friends helped her up *with her crutches*. Seeing that destroyed me. They were yelling, "Orphillius, come apologize!" but I couldn't. I was about as disabled by my laughter as she was by her sprained ankle or whatever it was. I'd like to say I felt bad, but really I didn't.
tl;dr I kicked a ball into the face of a crippled girl.
[deleted]: What kid eats grass?
Orphillius: The hungry ones.
[deleted]: Seems legit
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1397164889 | 1397175867 | t3_22q5j4 | t5_2to41 | 18 | KShults: TIFU by forgetting my phone at home.
This one isn't as dramatic as some that I've seen here, but it is something I'm never going to live down as long as I work there.
(Disclaimer, this didn't happen literally today. It's been a few weeks now.)
I work as a janitor at a bar/restaurant that has a large hall attatched that they rent out for big parties, weddings, that kind of thing. I was at work, doing my usual routine. I was nearing the end of my work day, and had finished all of my daily tasks. Whenever I finish my daily work, I'm supposed to find other things to work on until my shift is up. I chose to go clean out some of the big hall since I knew the weekly bingo night was coming up. This hall has a small, mostly glass room attached that works as a foyer. I went into it to clean some of the windows a bit before clocking out. Well, the door shut behind me.
"No big deal," I figure, it has some of those glass doors that you only have push the bar down in order to leave. (As opposed to the big iron ones that locked behind me.) Well, after I finish cleaning up in there, I try to push the bar but lo and behold the door does not budge. With the winter ice, the concrete outside had actually cracked and raised to the point that you could no longer open the doors.
"Well fuck."
I then proceeded to spend the next 20 minutes banging on the door to the big hall hoping someone in the kitchen adjacent would hear it. Unfortunately, they were running the dishwasher so my banging and shouting went unheard. I was freezing my tits off in the little glass room, cursing myself for forgetting my phone.
Long story short, I was trapped and freezing until we opened for business, when someone saw me and went to get my manager. Thank fuck for glass walls.
I will never live this down as long as I work there though. At least I can laugh about it too though, it was a pretty ridiculous situation. When my coworkers came out and saw me trapped inside they literally bent at the waist and started slapping their knees because they were laughing so hard.
[deleted]: Should have licked the bar to try defrosting it
KShults: I'm not sure you quite understand the situation.
The concrete outside of the glass doors was all cracked. The ice had gotten into that crack and actually *raised* the concrete so that you couldn't push the door open anymore.
| 3 | 6 | |
1397169790 | 1397231114 | t3_22qd9w | t5_2to41 | 135 | [deleted]: TIFU by completely obliterating an 8 year old in the name of holy matrimony.
This actually happened last week but LWIFU doesn't roll off the tongue as well. So I got dragged to my girlfriend's best friend's sister's wedding. I didn't really know anyone other than my girlfriend and her friend so I did the natural thing and loosened up by drinking a lot (**a lot**,) of the free beers after the actual ceremony.
Everyone was having a good time, dancing and congratulating the newlyweds. I'm a seasoned drinker so I figured I was in pretty good shape even though I felt slightly skewed everytime I walked anywhere. I was starting to feel *really* sociable and "talked" to everyone in the place. By talk, I mostly mean that I excitedly jabbered about nothing and tried to interject funny anecdotes, etc. I felt like I was kind of the man.
Eventually it was time for the bride to throw the bouquet. Admittedly, I'm not very well-versed in wedding lore but I had a feeling this was only for the ladies so I sat it out. Unfortunately the bride told all the guys to get up as well, and being the agreeable drunk idiot I am, I ambled up there and stood next to a bunch of little girls. I looked around and realized I was pretty much the only guy to have gotten up but liquid courage refused to let me get embarrassed and sit back down.
Long story short, the bride threw the bouquet, it was on a course to sail pretty far over me but I let the booze take over and leaped high into the air, extending one air like some sort of maniacal, inebriated football player, my Rudy moment. BOOM - contact. Totally caught the shit out of those flowers. I looked around the room, full of pride, but everyone was staring at me with abject horror. Had my fly been down? Did I mutilate the flowers somehow? I surveyed the scene, nothing was amiss.. except for.. did someone drop their coat?
No, that was not a crumpled coat on the floor. No, not a bit. That was a small child, curled into the fetal position, sobbing. I'd launched myself so exuberantly that I'd kicked one leg straight out and completely leveled an 8-year old girl, sending her flying several feet.
I gave the kid the bouquet but I know she didn't forgive me, and now my girlfriend thinks I'm afraid of commitment.
ViolentThespian: Isn't that what grandkids are for?
Matttized: *grandkicks*
| 3 | 45 | |
1397187080 | 1397194043 | t3_22r21g | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by fucking with crows.
I was walking to work and saw a crow hop in front of me, about 15 feet ahead. It looked right at me, so I decided to have a little staring contest as I walked by it.
DO NOT DO THIS.
My eyes weren't pecked out, but I will certainly never fuck with a crow ever again. I will give them the right of way, and will totally cross the street and walk on the other side the next time I see one.
UPDATE
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Day 2. I walked by the space again today... like I do everyday. The rain was pissing down on me and I saw the fucker. I pulled out my camera phone, but I think it knew what I was trying to do. The fucker ran off. I will try again tomorrow.
ViolentThespian: What did the fucking bird do?
Telionis: Didn't you read? He'll never fuck with crows again! That's what it did!
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1397214640 | 1397232405 | t3_22rpz2 | t5_2to41 | 94 | ftbf: TIFU by trying to open my pores with boiling hot steam.
So I had a whitehead that I wanted to get rid of, and I read somewhere online that steam is a good way to open up pores. I spent 15 minutes leaning over a boiling pot of water letting the steam slam into my face, figuring the pain was good. 5 hours later the side of my face is pink and red and has a blister and hurts like hell, and my parents are telling me that I'm am idiot (correctly so), and my dad is saying it might scar. Great. This is just what I needed.
Holy fuck am I stupid.
titwizard: Um, how did you not make the connection that when your face is *burning like hell*, you probably shouldn't be holding it over the steam any more??
ftbf: BECAUSE I'M A FUCKING DUMBASS
giaquinto: you aren't a dumbass.. just live and learn
| 4 | 23.5 | |
1397213651 | 1397505277 | t3_22rp81 | t5_2to41 | 35 | Narfii: TIFU By Coughing
So for the past few weeks I've been having a bit of a throat bug, and coughing a lot. Nothing too major, and it's been getting to that point where I can actually hack something up.
So usually, when you hack something up, it stops in your mouth and then you can either swallow it or spit it out or something. Well, not 5 minutes ago, I'm sitting at my desk and I get the urge to cough. I can feel a pretty big block in my throat, so I cough, and the entire thing comes clear in one go.
Now, being the gentleman I am, I like to cough into the neck of my shirt to cover my mouth. Well, apparently the loogie had the perfect trajectory to miss my mouth and teeth altogether. So after I cough, I know I felt something dislodge, but I didn't feel it in my mouth anymore, so I looked down into my shirt and there it is, staring back at me.
So now I'm sitting at my desk trying to appear calm while meanwhile there's Satan's snotball itself slowly gluing my shirt to my chest and it's all cold and slimy and everything, and I have no idea how to fix this.
fredinvisible: Next time, invest in a handkerchief.
NobodySpecific: Those things are fucking gross and I can't even begin to fathom how somebody thinks a dirty rag covered in snot and germs is a remotely good idea. Instead why not invest in a box of tissues for your desk and keep an extra or two in your pocket?
Hbeeman: I totally agree!! My moms bf has a bunch and my mom and him share them!! FUCKING EWW!!
Dylsnick: I bet those aren't the only bodily fluids they're sharing!...i'm going to hell aren't I ^i'll ^show ^myself ^down
Hbeeman: No actually I had a good laugh! I have heard things in the night that can't be unheard so actually your theory was correct. .-.
| 6 | 5.833333 | |
1397182790 | 1397262702 | t3_22qw4m | t5_2to41 | 27 | LyingPieceofCake: TIFU by being a judgmental prick.
This happened last weekend while I was home from college, visiting my family.
So, nearby my dad's house, there's a gas station I would always go to in high school. I was about to drive to my mom's place to stay there for the remainder of the weekend and I had barely enough gas to make it, so I wanted to put my last $5 of cash in the tank just to be safe. I went inside, gave the attendant my $5, and told him which pump I was at. As I walked out, a man in a motorized wheelchair rolled up to me outside the door and asked me something that I didn't quite hear due to road noise and me not really paying attention. I took a look at him, saw him in a wheelchair with baggy clothes and a beanie, a dirty blanket across his lap, a rough beard, and a cup in one hand, and assumed he was a homeless man asking me for money. With that quick assessment in mind, I replied, "No, I can't." What followed was the most incredulous and pissed off look I've ever received in my life, and then a question that made me feel like shit.
"You can't hold the door open for me?"
He hadn't asked me for money. I usually try not to be judgmental towards others, but I have trouble with that. So I just keep it to myself and do my best to keep it from affecting how I act towards others. Also, I try my very best to not offend or upset people. Which is why, once I realized what I had done, I felt doubly terrible. One, for judging this stranger and assuming him a homeless man, and two, for telling a disabled man that I couldn't hold a door open for him. So I opened the door, stared at my feet, mumbled an apology, and let it close once I thought he was through.
But wait, there's more!
When I let go of the door (which opened inwards into the store), it swung closed and got stuck on his back tire, holding the door open and keeping him from moving forward. I would have pushed the door open again, but the woman who was waiting just inside the door hastily freed his wheelchair from the door-trap.
I almost drove away without pumping any gas.
fredinvisible: Where do you live where you have to pay before you put the petrol in your car?
choboy456: in the US you have to pay before you pump if you are using cash
jcrot: Not necessarily. It's at the discretion of the pump owner.
ViolentThespian: So pretty much everywhere. Like Texas, I haven't seen a pay after pump for years.
Spliteer: I started driving in 1999, gas was .99 a gallon back in the good 'ole day (lol). After gas prices sky rocketed I noticed a lot of local stations required you to pay first. It was a huge problem for people to pump and take off.
| 6 | 4.5 | |
1397228814 | 1397294181 | t3_22s6r4 | t5_2to41 | 1,202 | ButtersHound: TIFU and told my grandpa my greatest fear
After reading about the guy who kicked the Downs kid in the face I was reminded of my biggest fuck up as a child. When I was a kid I had a huge phobia regarding handicapped people stemming from an incident at JC Penny's when a guy with a mental disability broke into my bathroom stall and ripped me off the toilet mid-shit. I was 6 or 7 and for years after I was terrified of the mentally disabled, people with physical handicaps, and the homeless. Also, I wouldn't tell anybody about it as the cast of Sesame Street had made it pretty clear that these feeling made Elmo sad and I was basically letting the whole muppet crew down.
So I'm 8 or 9 visiting my grandpa. When I'm in town he loves to take me on his daily "errands". Visit Zapone's Junk Yard and check out the owner's gold Cadillac [mafia], then over to the VFW to play some scratchers and sneak me a beer, but on our way home Gramps says we need to stop by Tony's...Now Tony wasn't mentally handicapped he was just really stupid. Missing almost all his teeth and several fingers from reaching under a lawnmower. He had always activated my phobia but I was especially scared today because I had just heard my ma' and grandpa talking and Tony had lost even more fingers, again, reaching under the same stupid lawnmower.
I was trembling when he said we were going to see Tony but I summoned all my courage and said in my meek and shaking voice "Grandpa. I don't want to go over to Tony's house."
Gramps: "Why Butters?"
Me: "I don't like handicapped people, I'm scared of them."
Gramps: "Well that's okay Butters, you just wait in the car"
Well that isn't the worst deal in the world, just wait in the car, that's not so bad. So we pull up in Tony's driveway and guess who's right there in the yard fucking with his lawnmower? So I'm waiting in the passenger seat watching gramps talk to Tony and I see grandpa point back to the car and my heart drops. Grandpa yells out to me "Butters, come here for a sec" and I can Tony's eyes sharpen as his toothless grin gets wider.
I slowly get out of the car and shamble over to gramps and Tony. Tony walks right up to me and half screaming says "So your grandpa says you don't like handicapped people?!" and starts laughing like a maniac, flashing his mangled summer teeth, and shoving the freshly bandaged and bloody stumps of his recently lost fingers two inches in front of my face. I start stammering "I...uh...I'm sorry..." my legs were frozen, I wanted to run but couldn't, I wanted to scream but could barely speak so I did the only thing that came naturally at the moment...and peed my pants.
Grampa and Tony stop laughing long enough to realize what happened and gramps gets a towel out of the trunk and drives me home. It was the most horrific, embarrassing thing that had happened to me up to that point in my life, I insulted my grandpa's friend, peed my pants in front of a guy who had stormed the beaches at Normandy, and had greatly disappointed the entire cast and crew of Sesame Street.
Edit: It was a bonehead move but my grandpa was a great friend and a really cool guy. He fought the Nazis in France, knew every mob guy in town, and was one of the first responders to the UFO crash at Kecksburg. Here's gramps looking all old tyme and young http://www.imgur.com/XgOgxoI.jpeg
amplebooty: Is Tony still working on the lawnmower?
ButtersHound: I wouldn't be surprised if Tony eventually stuck his head under there and mowed his face off.
udiniad: "Just wanted to see where the lawn-mowing magic comes from."
UndeadBread: That sounds like a guy who works at Rite-Aid here. My wife bought a handheld bladeless fan and when the guy saw it while checking us out, he asked what it was. When I told him, he was completely dumbfounded. I tried explaining it to him, but he just could not grasp the concept. He finally gave up trying to understand and simply settled with "Must be some kind of magic."
SmellsWeirdRightNow: So how *does* it work?
UndeadBread: Basically, there's just a [BLDC](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brushless_DC_electric_motor)-powered fan inside the base that sucks in air and blows it through a ring-shaped vent. It's essentially the same thing as a regular fan; the air is just diverted in a way that makes it more effective, much like the fan vents on a car's dashboard.
autowikibot: #####&#009;
######&#009;
####&#009;
[**Brushless DC electric motor**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brushless%20DC%20electric%20motor): [](#sfw)
---
>__Brushless DC electric motor__ (__BLDC motors__, __BL motors__) also known as __electronically commutated motors__ (ECMs, EC motors) are [synchronous motors](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Synchronous_motor) that are powered by a DC electric source via an integrated [inverter](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inverter_(electrical\))/switching power supply, which produces an AC electric signal to drive the motor. In this context, AC, alternating current, does not imply a sinusoidal waveform, but rather a bi-directional current with no restriction on waveform. Additional sensors and electronics control the inverter output amplitude and waveform (and therefore percent of DC bus usage/efficiency) and frequency (i.e. rotor speed).
>====
>[**Image**](https://i.imgur.com/94aRpVN.jpg) [^(i)](https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Floppy_drive_spindle_motor_open.jpg) - *Motor from a 3.5" floppy disk drive. The coils, arranged radially, are made from copper wire coated with blue insulation. The rotor \(upper right\) has been removed and turned upside-down. The grey ring inside its cup is a permanent magnet.*
---
^Interesting: [^Electric ^motor](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Electric_motor) ^| [^Stepper ^motor](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stepper_motor) ^| [^AC ^motor](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/AC_motor) ^| [^Brushed ^DC ^electric ^motor](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brushed_DC_electric_motor)
^Parent ^commenter ^can [^toggle ^NSFW](http://www.np.reddit.com/message/compose?to=autowikibot&subject=AutoWikibot NSFW toggle&message=%2Btoggle-nsfw+cgqhdtn) ^or[](#or) [^delete](http://www.np.reddit.com/message/compose?to=autowikibot&subject=AutoWikibot Deletion&message=%2Bdelete+cgqhdtn)^. ^Will ^also ^delete ^on ^comment ^score ^of ^-1 ^or ^less. ^| [^(FAQs)](http://www.np.reddit.com/r/autowikibot/wiki/index) ^| [^Mods](http://www.np.reddit.com/r/autowikibot/comments/1x013o/for_moderators_switches_commands_and_css/) ^| [^Magic ^Words](http://www.np.reddit.com/r/autowikibot/comments/1ux484/ask_wikibot/)
| 8 | 150.25 | |
1397230564 | 1397242238 | t3_22s9d6 | t5_2to41 | 215 | amplebooty: TIFU by accidental smoking dmt
This happened 20 minutes ago. I packed a bong at a mates house which i assumed had an empty the cone piece. Saw some white and dark marks but assumed they were ash and moved on to lighting up. As it turned out there was some dmt in my hit that my friend forgot about. I took 2 big rips and instantly felt fucked.
I layed down on his bad shaking and looking at the wall. It was like i went from sobriety to mid way through a mushroom trip. I had no idea what the fuck was happening. Of those of you who have smoked dmt before, you know it sends you to blastoff after about 30 seconds. I didn't quite go crazy but the visuals were more than what i get from a decent acid hit but once he said that it must've been some dmt i just decided to enjoy it, wore off after 5 mins.
TL;DR It's all relevant you bastard.
EDIT: fucked up the title. Also just to clarify my mate didn't spike me or anything, i went round his and used his bong without asking so i'm in the wrong. He found it hilarious and actually thought i was going in the "ether" for that first minute or so. The patterns and visuals i got were similar to acid but way more colourful and uncontrollable. Usually on acid the walls melt and i see some hieroglyphs but this time all these geometrical patterns looped over each other and transformed objects around me. Really cool shit if you're prepared for it.
AnoK760: haha sounds like you're having an interesting morning..
edit: DMT usually lasts A LOT longer than 5 min... closer to an hour and a half. Sometimes a few hours. I mean maybe you got the tiniest dose possible but who knows.
BigNiggasDontPlay: Um no. If you free base you're looking at 15 to 30 tops. Only with aya, pharma, etc are you going places for a longer duration.
AnoK760: maybe i got very high potency DMT because is moked it and was tripping for a good hour and 20 min. felt like 1000 years though.
I'm no DMT expert so idk for sure
BigNiggasDontPlay: Did you smoke just spice or changa?
AnoK760: i have no clue. It seemed to look crystalline.. like meth or something.
420AmazingDragons: Might have been a research chem or something. You should probably be more aware of what you're smoking haha.
AnoK760: eh it wasnt too bad. i havent done it since.
| 8 | 26.875 | |
1397238557 | 1397242783 | t3_22slkq | t5_2to41 | 39 | KoreanJesusPleasures: TIFU by submitting a history research paper that examined how Televangelists are trivializing Christianity, when my "TA" is a devout Christian
First year at university, and this is the final term paper for a year long course. It's a history course that examines global commodities and their apparent affect in the environment, social context, politics, etc. The paper had to focus on: a region; century; and commodity in the form of an actual product or ideology.
My area of interest across the humanities has always been philosophy and religion, so I proposed my topic (the commodification of Christianity through Televangelism) TO MY "TA" BEFORE I STARTED IT to ensure that it was appropriate, which he claimed was. It was a great paper, much effort was employed.
Little did I know, my TA is a devout Christian, and marks my paper at a C+. Leaves a bigoted comment, about two paragraphs, informing me that my opinion is too harsh, unrealistic, and essentially untrue. Also comments that it is not historic, as it is still relevant today (that part was utterly stupid), and, to top it off, he concludes by saying: "notice that I didn't finish marking your essay after the 4th page, I couldn't get through it because of my aforementioned reasons".
Mind you, I know there were technical errors, but damn. If I had known he was a Bible thumper, I would have chosen a different topic. Needed a better mark for a scholarship...
*TL;DR, submitted a history paper about Christian trivialization, didn't know TA was Christian, received shitty mark*
[deleted]: you need to complain about this. im sure the other people who are about to comment will know how, but im not at uni yet so ill leave it up to them.
KoreanJesusPleasures: I thought about it, but I just received the paper, and the exam for the course is in a day, so I'm assuming that it's too late. Not to mention, I already filled the course evaluation out. :/
Edit: poor grammar
abootypatooty: Its not too late man. I've had friends get grades revised from incorrectly marked exams/papers well after the term was over...one I remember got his fixed a year later. Go to the professor, respectfully tell him you don't believe the grade you were given was fair & accurate, and that you think the TA may have had a bias due to his own beliefs. He will likely regrade it for you. If not, go to the department head. Don't be arrogant about it...but state your case assertively...they are asked to explain grades all the time so its really not a big deal to them.
Trust me, the last thing any administrator or professor wants in college is an escalating shit storm over a freedom of religious speech case....which is what this essentially is. They will likely give you a better grade just to avoid any ongoing issues.
| 4 | 9.75 | |
1397216132 | 1397246072 | t3_22rr6v | t5_2to41 | 25 | Archyel: TIFU by forgetting to save my work...
I'm doing a group assignment in my Company Economy class, and in order to share our work with each other, we send it over Facebook.
Now, apparently, when you open up files through Facebook, and you don't "save as", you don't actually save, and you ultimately lose all your progress.
Had I known this yesterday, I wouldn't have lost the 37 pages I just wrote, staying up all night writing.
Considering the demographic of Reddit, and the people who browse TIFU, I'm sure many of you can understand the demotivation and frustration I am feeling right now.
Oh yes, that's right, did I mention the assignment was due today, and my partner is asking me where my work is?
Ah well, if any of you guys/girls know how to recover it through any means, that'd be splendid, and I'd be forever in your virtual debt.
Well.. not through ANY means, but means within my ability.
Pardon my English, I'm from Denmark.
I'm on the edge of a breakdown, but it could be worse I guess.
EDIT: I found it. There's no need to kill myself after all! :-] I opened up the download history of Firefox, where I located the File Location, in which I found my file. I'm not gonna delete this, as it could help out other people in my situation.
AndyH13: Just to clarify, did you select the "open" option when you downloaded the file? That will actually save it in a temporary area that can be really hard to get to. Glad you found it in the end though!
Archyel: I did in fact, and I had a feeling it was saved in a temporary place, which I wound up finding in the end. The only drowning I experienced was from tears of joy, not sorrow thankfully.
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1397242611 | 1397572534 | t3_22srrt | t5_2to41 | 26 | mustangwolf1997: TIFUpdate I got fined
[In case you missed it...](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/22msf6/tifu_by_getting_a_fine/)
My hearing today went amazing.
The JP didn't like the lack of smoking signs designating the smoking section, or the extremely vague borders that you can barely see, and are extremely damaged to the point where they could be void.
The fine was lowered from a total of $305 to $95. And I have a month to pay it.
That's good news and bad news.
Good news, It's extremely low and easy to pay.
Bad news, My mother said if it's over $100, she would pay half.
So since it's under $100, I have to pay the whole thing.
But either way, it's still awesome.
salty-nutz: You're never, ever going to be able to get a job with that shit on your record. I would have fought it. That ticket is going to follow you for the rest of your life, dude.
mustangwolf1997: The cop told me because it's a provincial offense, it won't be on any record.
salty-nutz: I'm in the states. If you're cited for any offense, you're name and sociial security# is assigned an SBI number. The record of the offense is lodged with the State Police and the FBI as a permanent record. You will need to make arrangements via court motions to change that.
mustangwolf1997: Ah, well I'm in Canada, so it's a bit different here.
Lehk: it's not like that in the states either, salty just doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about.
salty-nutz: /u/user_history_bot Lehk
User_History_Bot: Data for the last 1000 comments (MAX 1000)
Subreddit |Posts |Percentage
--------------------|--------------------|--------------------
/r/legaladvice | 412|41.20%
/r/AdviceAnimals | 182|18.20%
/r/TumblrInAction | 133|13.30%
/r/WTF | 45|4.50%
/r/AskReddit | 44|4.40%
/r/trees | 42|4.20%
/r/funny | 23|2.30%
/r/todayilearned | 20|2.00%
/r/worldnews | 14|1.40%
/r/Justrolledintotheshop| 12|1.20%
/r/politics | 9|0.90%
/r/tifu | 9|0.90%
/r/Whatcouldgowrong | 7|0.70%
/r/atheism | 6|0.60%
/r/HomeImprovement | 6|0.60%
/r/ImGoingToHellForThis| 6|0.60%
/r/LifeProTips | 5|0.50%
/r/CannabisExtracts | 4|0.40%
/r/see | 3|0.30%
/r/Bitcoin | 3|0.30%
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/r/pics | 1|0.10%
/r/fatpeoplestories | 1|0.10%
/r/cringe | 1|0.10%
/r/InsaneCringePosse | 1|0.10%
/r/pcmasterrace | 1|0.10%
To summon this bot, the first line of your comment should be: /u/user_history_bot USERNAME
| 8 | 3.25 | |
1397244009 | 1397317289 | t3_22styq | t5_2to41 | 382 | myncii: TIFU by having sex with my boyfriend in the kitchen and having my mum walk in on us
So this happened about a year ago, but it seemed like a story that would go well on this subreddit so I thought I'd share.
Me and my boyfriend at the time were baking cookies, and had a bit of time to kill whilst we were waiting for them to cook in the oven. The obvious time filler for us was to get down and jiggy, but we wanted to hear when the timer on the oven beeped as we didn't want to burn our tasty treats! My mum had gone for a run at some point so we were alone in the house, so we proceeded to strip down butt-naked and get it on.
A noise from the direction of the front door caused us to spring apart and grab panickingly at our clothes. By the time the kitchen door swang open my boyfriend was wearing a t-shirt, holding his boxers over his package and I was in my underwear, holding my arms over my chest.
My mother made a kind of squeaking noise and left the room, coming back 5 minutes later and yelling 'is it safe to come in yet' outside the door. My boyfriend stood in the most awkward attempt of a nonchalant stare outside the window I've ever seen whilst my mum made small talk with me while she made a cup of tea and then left us to die in shame.
Kitchen sex didn't really happen again after that.
CptnAmerica: Seems like your mom handled it really well, actually.
myncii: Yeah she did really! Later that day she spoke to me about it and just kinda said its probably best to double bolt the door if we're gonna do that again, or else probably don't bang in the middle of the kitchen, which is a fair point really!
barnacledoor: Tons of respect for your mom. Too easy to go ballistic in a situation like that, especially if your the parent of the daughter. Your mom treated you with respect after you made a mistake.
Be sure to show your mom lots of respect... Like not having sex in the kitchen anymore. It sounds like it is your mom's kitchen,so that's not really cool.
| 4 | 95.5 | |
1397242575 | 1397400001 | t3_22srpw | t5_2to41 | 38 | catfor: TIFU by not having my earbuds plugged in.
My job is full of annoying people who are constantly asking for help, or just flapping their gums for no real reason. To avoid having to bullshit with anyone, I wear earbuds - but I don't actually listen to anything a lot of the time.
This guy who is always bringing me candy and stuff just brought me a piece of "gooey" cake. Pretending that I couldn't hear him very well I said "what? Louie cake?"
"GOO-ey cake!"
"Oh! Ha! I thought you were saying LOUIE. Like the NAME! ha!"
I pulled my earbuds out of my ears and the chord, which was not plugged into anything because I am a fucking idiot, came flying with it and landed in my lap.
The guy just looked at me like ಠ ~ಠ and walked off. I feel like a huge bitch/idiot. LOUIE CAKE huurrrduurr
Tatamitom: *I was plugged into nature, man...*
angela430: I read that in Leo from That 70's Show's voice.
Lehk: hivemind
| 4 | 9.5 | |
1397249989 | 1397483533 | t3_22t39c | t5_2to41 | 117 | abootypatooty: TIFU by falling asleep at work with my previous post about farting on my doctor's face left up on the computer
I'm tired today. Maybe because its Friday after a long week & my dog decided to sit on my head last night at 3am to wake me up...or maybe because I'm still having nightmares about yesterday's festivities. Anyway, I'm at work & its pretty shitty. I'm so tired I can't even get anything done except mindlessly browse reddit. I work for a very conservative cultured Private Equity firm...suit and tie, American Psycho-esque kind of office. Well, the sandman decided to fuck me hard today. My boss walked over just as I dozed off with my head on the opposite side of the cubicle. I had left my computer in plain view with the post I wrote yesterday about how I shat on my doctor up on the screen.
I wake up as she appeared to just be finishing up reading the whole thing. I was still drowsy & dazed, but the look in her eyes was unmistakable. It was eerily similar to the look the nurse and that med school student had after the whole ass ordeal. It was the look only a woman can give you after discovering you farted & fecalated all over your female doctor the day before. I just gazed back at her silently absorbing my shame. She didn't say anything for a good 10 seconds longer than was comfortable. Then all she said was "get back to work", and walked back to her office. The door slammed shut too hard.
Oh, did mention my boss is a very vocal feminist activist. She regularly speaks at conferences to large groups of women...usually about how to gain respect & rise up the ranks in the male dominated workplace. I don't imagine she appreciated me referring to my surgeon as a "girl with tits and a twat". The saga just keeps getting better.
AshlyGrey: OP you just can't win, can you?
abootypatooty: I have a feeling this is all leading up to something really wonderful for me...a week can't be this shitty without a serious reprieve.
AshlyGrey: I hope so. I also hope that I applies to me. I'm considering calling April my month of misery.
abootypatooty: April showers bring May flowers... that or lots of mold.
| 5 | 23.4 | |
1397262908 | 1397419095 | t3_22tlas | t5_2to41 | 1,274 | chikadee09: TIFU by ripping a woman's inner labia
I'm a student in aesthetics and it was my second time giving a Brazilian wax. I'm at the labia and I spread the wax and pulled the wrong way.
Next thing I know I'm staring at this large bloody slit on her inner labia. She doesn't feel anything and isn't in pain. I spread her open and I see a wound about half an inch wide by an inch long and it is jagged and just blood. It looked like a jigsaw had been used to peel up a slice of skin.
I was freaking out and got my instructor and asked her with tears in my eyes, "Am I in trouble?" She explained the two waivers that the guest sign and that everything is okay.
I couldn't stop seeing the wound when I closed my eyes. I saw the shape like the shapes you see when you rub your eyes. I even dreamed about it.
Everything turned out okay but I don't like giving Brazilian waxes anymore.
brimm2: Well what happened to the woman afterwards??
chikadee09: She wasn't in pain or anything. It is an area that is always wet so like a mouth wound it heals quickly. She is fine last I heard. She didn't even fucking feel it.
gazork_chumble_spuzz: She'll feel it when she has to pee. It burns like fire. But it heals really fast.
DeaditeQueen: This can be avoided by using a squirt bottle filled with warm water while you pee.
Source: Docs failed to give me an episiotomy when I was giving birth to my daughter. Stitches burned like HELL when peeing, warm water helped immensely. Also, I now have a Harry Potter lightning bolt scar on my coochie, so that's something.
bycurious: Do you think an episiotomy would prevent needing stitches? (Cuz that's not how it works.)
DeaditeQueen: It may have prevented the immensity of the tearing, the awkward scarring, and they numb u for an episiotomy. I just TORE
bycurious: Most drs don't do it anymore because you actually tear less and heal faster with an organic tear than a man-made incision.
| 8 | 159.25 | |
1397270200 | 1397406101 | t3_22tua6 | t5_2to41 | 53 | Americandesserts: TIFU by using the toilet at my grandparents' house
Earlier tonight I figured I'd call up some of my favorite cousins and we'd all go to our grandparents' house for pizza after school. They were up with the idea, so we all ordered from the local chain and set up in the basement with a Risk board between us. There were five of us there including me.
I've been eating way too many grilled cheeses lately and I hadn't taken a decent crap in 5 days, give or take. I'd lost count. Halfway through Risk and a bowl of Velveeta shells I realized that it was Time. I stood up, a little shakily, feeling like my lower intestines were ballooning. I excused myself and nearly ran out of the basement, heading for the second floor bathroom.
I sat down. I waited. Nothing. No urge or anything. I hesitantly pushed and immediately knew I was in for the long haul. I could explain why I was going to be up there for half an hour later -- there were more important matters to attend to. The small closet door across from the toilet was hanging ajar, and I usually would've closed it, but the feeling in my bowels was so bad that I couldn't even lean forward and latch the door.
It was a hellish nightmare. I finally gave up on my usual discretion and ended up grunting freely, wrestling with the beast. I could feel puke rising in my throat with each successive push, but I was too far gone to stop. There was grunting, and there was much gasping and heavy breathing.
My phone went off on the sink. Amazingly I had been on the toilet for fifteen minutes and didn't feel even halfway done. It was one of my cousins. "Where the hell are you?" read the text. I replied back "The bathroom" and then resolved to finish as fast as possible.
Feeling as though the blood vessels in my forehead were at capacity, I let out one finally desperate HEEEUNNNNGH (yes, I made that noise) and it was done. The splash seemed loud enough to hear around the block. It was cold and unpleasant. I wiped, washed my hands and went back downstairs.
"Sorry it took me so lo--" I began, but the looks on my cousins' faces shut me up. Two were staring at me in abject horror and the other two were fighting back laughter.
"Did you find the plunger alright?" one of them asked before dissolving into tears of laughter.
"What are you talking about?" was all I could say, wondering if my face was red or something from the strain.
One of the girls pointed silently at the hallway, and then I knew. The open closet door I mentioned before had a laundry chute in it leading down into the basement so you could toss wet towels straight down and then put them in the wash.
I couldn't even turn back to face them, but one of the guys went "HEEEUNNGH" and I knew. They'd heard everything. Now I can't look 1/3 of my cousins in the eye ever again.
smarmyfrenchman: You see, [there's a book that can explain everything and really help you come to terms with this](http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/a/a4/Everyone_Poops.jpg)
zman0900: Lies! Nobody poops except for you and OP. And I'm definitely not shitting right now...
[deleted]: No, only mortals poop.
Congratulations, /u/zman0900! You are immortal!
zman0900: Sweet! I'm gonna go bang some aids infested prostitutes and jump off a few buildings.
[deleted]: Actually, you can still get AIDS.
Slenderauss: Oops, too late.
[deleted]: Don't worry, you can completely remove anything infected from your body.
It'll grow back.
| 8 | 6.625 | |
1397290830 | 1397346328 | t3_22ud01 | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting poison oak on my dick
This happened a couple days ago.
Every day I go for a run on a hiking trail. It was nice and sunny and all the flowers were blooming, so I decided it was a good idea to go off trail and explore. I go down a hill, through some trees, and come upon a clearing with some cool rocks to rest on. The rocks were surrounded by a weird shiny plant, it was kinda cool looking. I brushed past it while looking at it. Hm, pretty cool shiny plant. As I sat, I realized I needed to take a piss pretty bad. Okay no big deal, I'm pretty far out here in the woods, no one to see. I walked around said shiny plant, and found a tree upon which I would answer nature's call. As you can imagine, the process of urination generally involves touching one's dick. Of course during this process I ended up unknowingly sharing some of that Shiny plant oil with my member. I finish up, and leave the place. Cut to a day later, I realize some spots on my hand and arm are really itchy and red. Putting 2 and 2 together, I realize that plant must have been poison oak. Fuck. At least it's only in some small spots. Then my dick starts itching, and shows all signs of poison oak. Double fuck. You know what poison oak on your dick feels like? Bad. Very bad, and painful.
jumpmeep: I think you need some ointment, or maybe go to a doctor.
CowardAndAThief: That would be a good idea...
NoFapOverlord: And what would you tell the doctor?
CowardAndAThief: I'll probably just get some ointment, less embarrassing...
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1397308662 | 1397312734 | t3_22uoiz | t5_2to41 | 16 | TheLaurence: TIFU because of my habit of putting things in my mouth
This happened a few years ago when i was about 8 or ó so not really today i fucked up. I was very restless as a child and had a habit of putting things in my mouth. So one day while watching my sister play a video game, my father came in from the hardware store with a bunch of things and placed it on a table beside me. Being a child who cant really sit still without at least one appendage of my body doing something, i immediately start fiddling with the things in the plastic. I then feel a hard tubular thing and of course, with my habit, put it in my mouth and start chewing it like you would on bubble gum. While clearly engorged in watching my elder sister play mario or something, i feel the tube burst, i then start panicking and try to remove it from my mouth which i couldnt, i then look in the plastic bag and see a pack of super glue which supposedly contains two of them, but one missing. I quickly realize my error or and try to scream which is really difficult to do with a tube of super glue stuck between my teeth. I start screaming loud enough to make my elder sister take notice that a tube of super glue has explodes in her brothers mouth. She then calls my dad who rushes in, sees a tube of super glue in my mouth panics, runs out and calls my mom, who then runs in she sees it, panics and the next few hours were my whole family trying to remove the tube and super glue from my mouth in a variety of methods of which i dont remember but involves the toilet a lot.
Hbeeman: This reminds me of the time when I was like 2 I think. I was the exact same like the floor had to be spotless or else I would chew it.
So apparently I found a nail on the floor and had it in my mouth and swallowed it. My parents took me to the doctor and he said to see if I'll poop it out. But if they see blood in it then take me here cause they'll surgically remove it. Luckily I pooped it out with ease and everything was fine.
TheLaurence: What kind of nail was it? Was it like some rusty old nail???
Hbeeman: I have no idea I'm telling this story by my mom and dads telling. I can only remember things as far back as 4 years old. Lol
| 4 | 4 | |
1397313699 | 1397482771 | t3_22utg0 | t5_2to41 | 180 | yonoober: TIFU by swallowing a gallon of pool water.
This literally just happened like an hour ago.
Every Saturday at 8-ish I have a swimming class, kind of a cardio workout sorta thing. Today I'm not feeling too good, I feel kinda tired, so I decide to take it a bit slower.
When you're swimming, you know how you have to breathe out the entire time your head is underwater? That doesn't really work for me, so instead for freestyle I do a 4-stroke pattern: 2 strokes not breathing out underwater, then two strokes breathing out, then breathe in and repeat.
Anyway, today my body decides it's not gonna cooperate with me, and I accidentally breathe out while underwater. I'm not used to this, and I've run out of air quicker than I usually do, so I panic, bringing my head *straight up* instead of to the side. Anybody who swims already knows where this is going.
I bring my head up to breathe, but not far enough. Immediately, water floods my mouth and throat, and I can't breathe at all. I cough repeatedly, then as soon as I get to the trash can I throw up twice.
Breathing has never been harder. I still have a raspy voice, and every few breaths I have to breathe in a bit harder.
EDIT: Went to the doc, he says it's nothing. No worries :)
pyroarson: Do you mean to say that you inhaled a bunch of water? Because if you did, you really need to be careful. You might suffer from [dry drowning]( http://www.swimmersdaily.com/2011/07/03/how-to-spot-symptoms-of-dry-and-delayed-drowning/).
This is serious. The symptoms that you're taking about sound dangerously close to it. I would go get it checked out, just to be safe.
yonoober: Yeah that's what happened.
But I don't have a cough, any pain anywhere, or anything like that. Should I still go get myself checked out?
ninjastar09: Yes! Go to the doctor now!
yonoober: Alrighty, I should get that checked out then.
ninjastar09: Did you? It could be serious.
yonoober: Check my edit.
whitey-ofwgkta: I'm so sorry to hear you only have 8 weeks to live!
yonoober: What
FrozenTaco5: Poor guy. I'll miss you.
yonoober: Okay then.
| 11 | 16.363636 | |
1397337727 | 1397604625 | t3_22ux6f | t5_2to41 | -15 | PiggyBankofDespair: I dunno about announcing the culprit, but playing it off as a prank is a pretty solid idea. My dad was visiting me once and I was showing him something on my computer (I forget what). I ran to the restroom and I was mid-sprinkle when I remembered that I hadn't cleared my internet history. Every now and then I like to watch two dudes get it on, and my father has no idea that I am anything other than completely 100% all about the ladies. I also remembered immediately after that that my father is super nosy and will poke around for things like that any chance he gets.
So I strolled out of the bathroom like nothing was the matter and casually told him about this one time when one of my buddies saw that I'd propped my door open to run to the laundry room (I was living in a dorm at the time) and put on a bunch of gay porn with the speakers blasting down the hallway to mess with me. I don't have an accurate comparison for the relief that washed across the man's face when I told him that, but I'd imagine it's somewhere between "letting loose after weeks' worth of constipation" and "my child just survived a near death experience."
dojapatrol: 100% into ladies, like watching two dudes getting it on. I think you might have bigger issues than your dad being nosey.
Pyramat: I think you missed the part where he said **my father has no idea that I am anything other than**.
dojapatrol: My statement holds up under either context.
feex3: Why is it a problem if he likes to watch two dudes boning?
dojapatrol: That he hiding his sexual orientation from family, which is the bigger issue than having a nosy dad.
feex3: He never said he was gay or bi, just that he likes watching gay porn
| 7 | -2.142857 | |
1397323045 | 1397415620 | t3_22v4w1 | t5_2to41 | 4,440 | tifuTA: TIFU by being a horny 16 year old.
So this is a throwaway, because well, this is my most embarrassing moment ever, and only two people (my mom and I) know about it. Plan to keep it that way, apart from you guys of course.
This didn't happen today, about two years ago, but fuck it I just found this sub and it has compelled me to share!
So I am a male.
I was about 16 at the time, pubescent as fuck, and I'd started smoking cigarettes a few months earlier. Anyway, I was alone at home, really bored and I really needed a cigarette bad. I also had no money so I decide to go look in my mom's closet, she usually has a little tin with a lot of cash in it for rainy days in her closet somewhere. So I figure I'd go borrow a few bucks and put it back when I got some disposable income.
So I go and search my moms closet, top to bottom, no money in there. I get to the bottom shelf and find something wrapped in a plastic bag, I'm curious and I open it up, and fuck me! It's a purple fucking dildo, my mom owns a dildo... at first I freak out a little, why does she have this shit? Mom's don't do this type of shit! Since I'd never seen one in real life I play with it a little, shake it around and prod at it to feel what it feels like, it's one of those rubber motherfuckers with a vibrating base. I put the pulsating pleasurer away and go do something else.
A few weeks pass and I'm horny as fuck one day, jacking it the usual way just won't do. I recall reading about prostate stimulation and the intense orgasms it supposedly causes, so I decide to go fetch my mom's little helper. I lube that fucker up with some moisturising cream and proceed to shove it up my ass. I jack my dick like there's no tomorrow, etc. etc.
Now it's time for clean up, the worst part of jacking off, the baby gravy is easy, just wipe it off with a tissue and flush that fucker. The ass canon isn't that simple, it's covered in nice thick layer of shit with some white cream mixed in there for colour. The smell is horrid, really, it smells exactly like you would expect shit and moisturising cream smells like. I run it ander the tap, making sure to get all the nooks and crannies clean, wouldn't want mom to know I've been borrowing her battery-powered lover. I wash my hands, leave it on the bathroom counter, wipe my ass a few more times and go put on some pants.
I celebrate the glorious orgasm with a cig and forget all about the purple pecker on the bathroom counter. My mom gets home from work, as usual I make her a cuppa and feed our pets while she's in her room putting on some more comfortable clothes and peeing. She finds her closet door open and shouts "what the fuck are you doing in my closet while I'm not here?" I make up some bullshit excuse and I think I'm in the clear.
After her coffee she goes shopping and I go for a piss. I find the rubber lover still on the bathroom counter, still smelling of that moisturising cream, I'll always remember that day when I smell that cream. I realise that my I never put away the dildo after use.
That's when I knew, she must've seen it lying there when she used the bathroom, she didn't touch it and honestly I can't blame her. So I wrapped it back up and stashed it back where I found it. She then came home and (thankfully) pretended that I didn't discover and did something with her sex toy.
Typing this now I realise how fucked up this is.
TL;DR: (dude) fucked myself with mom's dildo and forgot to put it back.
Pichus_Wrath: What did I just read.
Greedeater: A future reference up there with CumBox and Broken Arms, I reckon.
tifuTA: Fuck me, is it that bad?
ISTRANGLEHOOKERSAMA: keep this account for the karma dude
tifuTA: Fuck no.
ISTRANGLEHOOKERSAMA: but... but... the upvotes...
tifuTA: No, have friends who know my username. Wouldn't want them just casually scrolling trough my posts one day and be all "ooohhh shit, you stuck a dildo up your ass?!" the next day.
ISTRANGLEHOOKERSAMA: no you misunderstand. Use THIs account to get upvotes: don't let your friends know of the connection between the two.
heliphael: Nice exchange OP. Nobody will know this is really you.
ISTRANGLEHOOKERSAMA: I'm... OP?
[that's impossible!](http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view2/1136159/that-s-impossible-o.gif)
gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/VapidAmbitiousDotterel](http://gfycat.com/VapidAmbitiousDotterel)
---
^(GIF size: 1.22 MiB) ^| ^(GFY size:77.57 kiB) ^| [^(~ About)](http://www.reddit.com/r/gfycat/comments/1u5df2/made_a_gfy_bot_for_reddit_in_ruby_meet_ugfy_bot/)
| 12 | 370 | |
1397322571 | 1397331994 | t3_22v498 | t5_2to41 | 42 | bphishere: TIFU by licking my own feces.
So this was actually earlier in the week but dgaf.
So i had a bad case of the shits, the hersheys squirt, the anus firebreather. I had diarrhea. And in the night I ran to the bathroom, and felt the last escape my rectum. I see it. I shat on the corner of the shower mat. Now i clean it off as well as i can but theres a visible brown spot. I shrug it off, my parents wont notice im sure.
The next morning i'm woken up to "DID YOU FUCKING SHIT ON THE SHOWER MAT" N...no dad i didnt. "THEN WHAT IN THE MOTHER OF FUCK IS ON THE MAT" I know im in deep here. I'm bamboozled, confounded. I cant admit i shit on the mat. "No dad... I had a really long poop and dropped nuttela on the mat." Oh. Big mistake. Why did i think nuttela would be eaten on the shitter? I dont know.
He calls bullshit (no pun intended) pulls me of bed and pulls me to the bathroom.
"Lick it. " Fucking jesus. No this cant be happening.
"Lick. It. "
I did the unthinkable. I licked my shit, acting as though it was just nuttela. He told me i was disgusting and walked out. He knew. Oh he knew the whole damn time.
TL;DR Licked my nuttela poo poo of a shower mat.
ArgonNightmare: That isn't a TIFU. You are just pathetic.
thejam15: Well his dad seems like an asshole so I wouldnt blame him
ArgonNightmare: Pfff. Anybody who isn't man enough to clean up after themselves, and tell the truth, is pathetic in my eyes.
thejam15: Ohh I was under the impression that it was a stain in the carpet making it hard to clean
bphishere: That would be what happened. The stain was impossible to be rid of. Trust me there was lots of cleaning involved.
Borthwick: your dad kinda sounds like a dick. Would he be super pissed if something was stained, even if you were honest about it?
bphishere: Hes just easily grossed out. It was probably that it was poop. No he's typically relaxed.
Borthwick: Oh okay, good.
| 9 | 4.666667 | |
1397337072 | 1397341015 | t3_22vnn7 | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: LYIFU by Fucking up at a Paintball game... On my Birthday
theWongPlace: > take a couple of Guatemalans to the porcelain store.
Never heard that one before haha
darthjammer224: i like to consider it my own OC
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1397346525 | 1397387739 | t3_22vzrq | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by folding when I had a straight flush.
First time poster, sorry if the format's a bit bizarre. Anyways, to clarify, this story isn't about cards; it's about me cockblocking myself unbelievably bad. So, I was a senior in high school, and I have a pretty bad differential between looks and how social I am-about an 8 and a 4, respectively. I'm in on the jokes with my football team, casual friends with a lot of people, have some really tight knit friends,and can be really witty and funny sometimes, but I'm leaving myself out of all kinds of partying, sex, etc.
Basically, based off of my stats, I've got a talent for getting some very attractive first days, and then not converting them. Here's the bad story.
So, I'm doing my senior year of Track and Field, and I'm the second string 200 meter runner by default (I joined 8th grade to hang with my future state champion buddy, ended up being good enough). I'm enjoying the first day of practice, leading warm ups, and prepare to head over to sprinting for our extended warm up. Then, my state champion buddy comes up and says, "Hey, Kyle ( names changed, of course), have you met Nemo?"
I hadn't, but was immediately very glad I did. Sophomore, about 5'5, dark hair, dark eyes, great tits and HOLY FUCK the ass was fat. Volleyball player, a libero or something. She smiles at me, I introduce myself, and we hit it off. Over the next couple of weeks, we begin talking a lot during Track, making jokes while we race, lots of hugs and her jumping into my arms and asking for piggyback rides and stuff. anyways, one day, the rest of the sprinters start joking and improvising a song about how I was only carrying her because I wanted to get into her pants. After practice that day, I jokingly Facebook message her sorry about the teasing, she gives me her number and flirting commences.
I'd call myself pretty flattering, and she explicitly just said she liked me after about a week. So, we decide to plan out a double date, which I'm praising the Lord for, since I'm a bit more social in a moderate group. That day, I wake up, start to get ready, begin teasing her over the phone about how excited she was for our date.
Paraphrasing in how it happened, but she explicitly tells me she had a sex dream about me. As a guy whos only been in one relationship with an ultra prude before, I'm getting a bit nervous. But, it's a double date. I can brace myself the next time.
Plot twist, she tells me when I arrive at the site she's grounded. Well fuck. That means I won't see her until school, which would have blown. Decide to risk it, ask if I could maybe just go over to her house, and she excitedly says yes. Turns out, she lived about 30 more minutes away...but, whatever, I was excited to see her, figured we'd just cuddle and make out or some shit.
Over at her house, she's looking great. Booty shorts, tight t shirt, very bouncy. So, she leads me to her room (I can feel you cringing from here), I get a little tour, don't make any sort of move whatsoever. In my defense, I was really interested in her dogs. So, we end up both sitting on the couch, watching tv, her eyes glued to her phone, its been clicking in my head for some time I'd been missing a lot of hints, so we meet eyes, start making out. And...that's it. Didn't convert.
Her family was having a barbeque that day, and I stick around for that, play with this little kid, their dogs, etc. family likes me, I figure, okay, I fucked up, but I'm sure I can salvage this. As I'm leaving, kiss her goodbye, she smiles at me brilliantly and does seem genuinely excited to see me again (no one else was around, so I'm petty sure out was genuine).
So, I try to ask her on a real date sometime, she says she'd like to. Now get ready, because this is where I fucked up. Rather than just calling it good with that I try and make excuses about why I was socially awkward, didn't make any big move, etc. Couple of days later, I hear from her friend she's not interested in me anymore.
Now, on a really awkward basis with Nemo, friends with the friend who told me, and I've specifically told my friends to tell me that when I have all the cards in my hand...don't fold.
TL;DR: I goalied my own goal. I tagged myself out. I shot myself in the foot. I hit the brakes on the straightaway.
-hellboy-: I don't think it's bad that you didn't convert, I mean if you would have sex the first time you guys hang out alone then she probably did that with other guys too and isn't worth it.
She's weird and definitely didn't want you for who you are
Bullet possibly dodged
shitty_demon: She's not weird for wanting to have sex.
-hellboy-: You're right, maybe I was under the impression that OP or the girl in question were looking for a relationship
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1397335007 | 1397924324 | t3_22vkwf | t5_2to41 | 12 | jon2kx: TIFU by replying all, instead of replying.
I sent a rant about what I consider to be poor design choices in proprietary software, to everyone of my colleagues at work today. I called it shit, I called it a "10/10 Piece of shit", an "ABYSMAL pile of crap" and criticized IT infrastructure in the process, calling it "retarded" that there was no NTP servers designated for (clients or servers) causing frequent "out of sync issues". (Which is time sensitive to the server that it is running on for authentication purposes.) I criticized it for how difficult is has made my life in the recent past since its implementation, and I criticized it.
In that moment I grew righteously indignant and holier than thou.
I wrote my feelings to what I thought would be one person.
**I took a potato chip, and I ATE IT.**
I clicked sent.
Only to blink when I saw it land in my inbox.
Sinking into my chair I called my boss. Who was clearly annoyed.
I tried to recall it immediately(seconds after) of course, however it failed.
I am aware that my entire conversation is basically a giant run on sentence. I'm going home for my xanax now, so I won't care when you point it out. I'm in a pretty bummed and in a really butthurt mood, so I can't be bothered with it. I guess the silver lining is that I was cut a reality check.
**TL:DR Seasoned IT professional (BOFH wannabe) sends *profane* critique REPLY ALL, like all people who think themselves smart, he discovers he is an *infinitely* more seasoned idiot.(PFY)**
vmsplicer: And you are not trying to delete it from server, or make unplanned downtime why?
jon2kx: Im a unix/linux admin, the windows team will not let me touch the exchange server. Its the only useful thing they've got outside of AD so both of those are tightly controlled via tokencode + pin and password.
| 3 | 4 | |
1397352657 | 1397489307 | t3_22w77o | t5_2to41 | 235 | [deleted]: TIFU by giving my Dad a flash drive full of gay porn
Oh man, I fucked up bad.
I'm 16, and I'm gay. I haven't told my parents yet as I just have no idea what I would say. Anyway, every weekend my Dad comes up to my house (I stay with my Mom) and I give him a flash drive full of movies that I've downloaded (legally, of course) over the last week and he'll watch them, bring the flash drive back up and rinse and repeat.
Well, tonight he came up and I copied the films over for him and thought nothing of it. It's just dawned on me right now (at 2am, my Dad is away home) that I've copied over all of my gay porn onto the flash drive and not the movies.
How could I do this? I have two folders, one with actual movies in it and the other with my porn that has been renamed to movie titles. My thinking was that if anyone looked, they'd just think it was innocent films and not anything else.
Oh I fucked up so bad, I'm sitting here knowing that he'll be putting the drive into his computer and then opening one of the videos thinking it's a movie and then being greeted with a dick-in-ass scenario.
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
michaellicious: So.... What were the porn titles...
[deleted]: Die Hard
Matttized: The Two Towers
piper06w: 12 Angry Men
Drim498: 300
happywhenfappy: The Dark Night Rises
alpoopy: You Me & Dupree
WollyGog: Me, Myself and I-ream.
nightfall983: Godzilla.
| 10 | 23.5 | |
1397344018 | 1397440241 | t3_22vwl5 | t5_2to41 | 43 | [deleted]: TIFU by putting chili powder in my french toast instead of cinnamon
http://i.imgur.com/kmNj5Uy.jpg?2
Used the last four eggs in the fridge too. Had to skip breakfast. This is the hair gel/face cleanser incident of 2010 all over again.
Lehk: buy a different brand of one or the other so the packaging is very different and it won't happen again.
DrewP_Wiener: Won't help i use the same exact cinnamon and a cayenne pepper that comes in a glass container from a completely different company. Long story short this morning, after I waked and baked, i made and ate some cayenne toast (and by bit I ate an entire slice of bread in one bite and half of another before I realized my mouth was melting). Even being high didn't help the experience.
| 3 | 14.333333 | |
1397359459 | 1397515490 | t3_22wf9l | t5_2to41 | 28 | jameswg: Tifu by giving myself the plague.
So I work in a kitchen at a busy restaurant. The building is about 30 years old or so. On the counters of the line we have these cut outs that hold bins for ice baths. Underneath the counter is all stainless steal cubbies that we use to store pans, boxes of wine and other random stuff.
Well between the counter and the cubbies is a void of space only known to grease, disease and filth that is unreachable by man, so it must have accumulated by other means. It is beyond gross and can only be neutralized by means of total demolition of the building or set ablaze and sealed for no man to ever see again. Don't get me wrong though it is sealed and completely clean and sanitary just not in this small void of space.
This morning set up the line, have the dishwasher guy fill ice bins set off to work. All is well.
Dinner starts and I notice a dark reddish, brownish liquid spilling on the floor. I immediately check to see if the red wine is leaking from the box, the box is soaked.
For some reason I have the brilliant reaction to taste the liquid just to be sure. Nope not wine, not even fucking close. One more taste, huh I'm the stupidest person that came to work today. Then it clicks. Ice water filtered through that space and taste tested twice. I feel sick and deserving of the plague that probably came from that liquid.
Tl;Dr: ice bath leaked through old, putrid, nasty void in counter space tasted twice for quality.
Belgara: If you survive the plague, next time, mop up some with a paper towel and inspect it first. I'd say try the sniff test, but you'd probably inhale some lovely spores that way.
On the bright side, if you survive the plague, you'll probably be immune to it! Congrats.
CASHSWAG99: if we ever need to get the cure from him dont tell him how we get it
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1397372409 | 1397375614 | t3_22wrix | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by attending my ex's party
So, the other day I got dumped. It really hurt, a lot, and we talked about things and decided to try and be friends as best we could. I'm part of a club on my college campus (a club that I was VP of and had founded, and the ex is now president of), and we were having our end of semester party tonight. My ex said that I should come to socialize and stuff. We had a good conversation last night and were on good terms, so I decided to go.
So, I go to the party and am immediately overcome with negative emotions and sit in the corner crying for a bit. I get up and sit with people, but nobody's talking to me and I don't have the energy to join conversations and I just feel really lonely. We start playing Cards Against Humanity and I was feeling really negative and the ex texts me saying 'I don't think I want to be friends anymore."
And I just blow up. I throw all the cards across the room and get up and am crying and tense and just attack my ex. I start hitting him and punching and just everything. And them I'm laying in the middle of the CAH game sobbing my eyes out. I get up and go sit in the kitchen and am sobbing. The ex and another friend come over to me like "wtf" and I start bitching about what an asshole he's being and how he promised he wouldn't flirt with people, but he was flirting with the girl I know he likes all night, and it really hurt me. The girl he likes is an aspie, and I pretty much called her a moron and said I hate being around her. Loud enough for her to hear.
So my friend takes the ex and I outside to calm down and damage control us and things are tense but we talk and I apologize. While we are talking, about half the people at the party leave and go home.
We go back inside when we're calm and rejoin the rest of the people and things are civil, and I apologize to the group and to the one girl I insulted. Things are ok from then on.
I get home and pretty much everyone from the party has deleted me. The ex says he wants nothing to do with me anymore. I've lost all my friends, and I'm a complete wreck and I just really wish I never went to his party.
omigahguy: Fuck all of them...seriously.
You should not have gine, but your emotions are valid and it is all okay and you will be fine.
Hug from Canada!
ViolentThespian: You forgot to apologize for it happening.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1397360804 | 1397399221 | t3_22wgqs | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to be comfortable
So I was taking a shower the other day, and I was super tired after working out and I had the urge to sit down. Side note: my shower has one of these [soap racks that are attached to the tiles](http://media.askbuild.com/legacy/738.jpg). So, me being the idiot I am, I started to sit down but I ended up slipping. Luckily, I grabbed on to the soap rack but me being the fatass that I am I ended up ripping it and a couple of tiles out of the wall. There is a huge gaping hole in my shower, revealing the wet drywall.
ViolentThespian: I sit down in the shower all the time.
•Squat
•Rock back
•Fall gently on your bum
•Turn up the water temperature
•Bask
[deleted]: thank you
| 3 | 6 | |
1397378592 | 1397383861 | t3_22wvhc | t5_2to41 | 83 | LordDondarrion: TIFU by taking a sip of beer
So, I'm a tall, fit man who can normally handle plenty of liquor. I'm talking like frat-level pounding of drinks all night long. I'd been looking forward to this party, as unfortunately the place where I live is not exactly conductive to festive environments. So I show up, without drinking anything before hand, and grab a beer and drink it. And then another. At this point I'm feeling weird.
I've been on antidepressants for around a year now, and had always been able to drink on them, albeit at a lower volume, but still normally 2 beers would do nothing. However this time I'm feeling majorly drunk, like room-spinning I just wanna lie down levels of drunkenness. Turns out, I had switched medications earlier this week, and this was my first time drinking on them. I should have stopped, but a friend told me to have a third beer, and I'm like fuck this shit a 90 lbs woman could handle that amount of liquor. Anyway I take one sip and immediately I can tell I've made a mistake.
I've got about three seconds before it all comes back up, as well as the Chinese food I'd had earlier. At this point I'm not thinking straight. I'm just super fucking embarrassed, so before anyone can react I bolt for the door. Making it, I then stripped off my puke-covered shirt and threw it away, resigning myself to a cold three mile walk home, vomiting all the way. I've made it, showered, and now realized that my friends have been trying to contact me constantly. I'm ignoring them and vainly hoping that this goes away, but I know that when I wake up tomorrow I still have to deal with the fallout. Anyway I just wanted a place to let my story out anonymously, so thanks for reading.
TL;DR Thanks to new medication I become extremely drunk and sick after having very low levels of alcohol.
thequux: As somebody who has been in your friends' situations, please reply to at least one of them. Otherwise, they'll be worried sick about you and it will ruin their evenings as well.Even a simple "hey, I'm fine, just super embarrassed. I got home safely, and I'll just sleep it off." would improve their nights significantly.
JimmyRusslesPHD: totally this
| 3 | 27.666667 | |
1397408311 | 1397441204 | t3_22xlu0 | t5_2to41 | 79 | iknugz: TIFU by visiting a birthdayparty of someone I barely know.
I don't even know where I should start telling this story...
However, last weekend I met up with a friend of mine who asked me if I had any plans for the following evening. Since I didn't had any plans he wanted me to join a birthdayparty from a girl I barely know (actually 2 girls but that's going to be important later).
He called her to ask if it would be okay for her if I join and told her that I'm a nice guy and I'm bringing some alcohol as well etc.
The evening dawns and my friend and I arrive at the location where the birthdayparty takes place and the great embarrassment begins: apparently my friend didn't think that it could be important to inform me that it is a motto party (hollywood) and I'm standing there in my hoodie while most of the other guests arrived in suits and stuff. Further he never told me that this birthday is hosted by TWO girls and that the one I know didn't even had birthday yet because she wanted to celebrate at midnight.
Long story short, I ended up standing on this hollywood theme party in my hoodie, congratulated the one girl which doesn't even had birthday at this point while I didn't even know that the other girl standing next to her already had birthday.
At this point I already just wanted to leave and bury myself in the forest behind the house but wait, there is even more!
This one girl (just let us call her 'A' now) is actually rather shy and since her father did the serving I never expected that he would mix vodka lemon like 50/50. However, after the first two drinks I didn't even taste it anymore and some other friends of mine who were invited as well started to fill me up because they thought it would be a fun thing to do.
Later this evening (after a good game of beerpong with vodka) we went outside to smoke a johnny and one of my friends mentioned how great it would be if he had his bong with him right now. So he walked straight up to A's father and lied about how he forgot his important medicine at home so the father would drive him to his house so he could grab his bong.
Somehow my blackout drunk brain thought it would be fun to drive with them so about two minutes later I found myself again in the backseat of the father's car headed to my friend's house and the shame begins.
To understand my smart moves better, you should know that I'm becoming really sociable once I'm drunk so I thought it would be a nice thing to invite A's conservative father to smoke some weed with us. I don't remember his reaction but my friend said that he wasn't amused at all. The conversation in the car goes on and something the father said lead me to tell him: "Once you found a new wife everything will be better." (Note: he is still married ... with A's mom)
**TL;DR drunk me asked married conservative father if he wants to smoke some weed and that everything will be better once he finds a new wife after pulling every possible faux pas on his daughter**
PS: Sorry for my bad english
Dylsnick: Wow, that's...uhh...wow...what are your local pot laws like? Cause I get the feeling that could become relevant soon.
iknugz: We have something like 'It's never really legal but if it's only a small amount (up to 6 gramm i guess) it's not worth for a court to sue anybody' since it would cost more for the country. I never own anything by myself and even said friend never ownes more than 2 gramm i think.
BeerPowered: Czech Republic?
[deleted]: Some place where they speak German, I'm guessing from his spelling and grammar.
iknugz: You guessed right. Didn't know that's so obvious.
[deleted]: Haha don't take offense man, please! It's just I took German in high school and I can recognize small things. Birthday party is two words in English, and you made it a compound word, like in German. Germans love compound words, yo. Your spelling of "gramm."
Also, having a theme party. American teenagers are to retarded to organize something like that, but I know Germans are all anal and efficient so you guys pull off stuff like that(also my high school did an exchange with some Bonn kids, I didn't go but I heard stories.)
iknugz: Yeah that's right. There were some other words where I remembered to divide them but sometimes it still happens that I forget it.
[deleted]: I could still understand everything, so don't worry about it. It was all minor stuff. I'm just a dumb American who isn't bilingual so I respect you.
| 9 | 8.777778 | |
1397413355 | 1397448701 | t3_22xt35 | t5_2to41 | 1,135 | _Hamburger_: TIFU by losing my pants
For some backstory, a couple of my friends were going to a party on Friday and asked me to come so I did.
When I got there, I saw this girl who I had been talking to lately (the party was at her house) but we hadn't done anything but talk. I went over to sit and talk with her, because I'm pretty interested in her, and our chat evolves to making out, then we go upstairs. We do the deed, and I fall asleep because it was late at night, and I was drunk as fuck.
When I woke up yesterday morning I looked over next to the bed and didn't see my pants. This didn't really worry me, as I assumed they were somewhere else in the room. I get out of bed, and start looking all over the room. Nothing. I look under the bed, in the closet, and under the bedside drawers, still nothing.
This girl wakes up, and asks me what I'm doing, so I do what any normal person would do. "Have you seen my pants". She hadn't, so she said no. I continued my search through the rest of the house. None of her housemates were home which was good because I was butt naked, but I still couldn't find my pants.
At this point I thought somebody took my pants home with them, which is what I still think. I had to go back upstairs, ask for one of her towels, and walk back home, which was only a couple blocks away, in a towel that i had to adjust every 30 seconds.
Moral of the story: keep track of your pants.
TL;DR: had to walk home towel-clad
strippersandpepsi: God I hate losing things the morning after. Did you lose your wallet or phone too?
_Hamburger_: No, I had set those on the bedside table and then took my pants off. I got lucky and unlucky.
strippersandpepsi: Yeah definitely could of been worse!
SpellingB: Grammar error detected. [What is it?](http://www.reddit.com/r/SpellingB/comments/22bwnw/homophone_error)
**could have**
*Example:* I could have taken the earlier train.
***
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| 11 | 103.181818 | |
1397379994 | 1397428663 | t3_22wwc7 | t5_2to41 | 77 | Wibbles20: TIFU by stopping a golf bag
I was waiting around the kiosk of a golf course waiting for the rest of my cricket team to show up so we could pay and get started. In the kiosk they have sets of golf clubs on sale, with most in a bag.
As we're waiting around I notice some movement out of the corner of my eye and think it's a bag falling, so I go to stop it. Well, it turns out it wasn't a bag, but a kid who's about 4 years old running around the store. And when I went to stop the bag, I punched the kid right in the jaw and it was as if he was shot, staggering a bit and then falling.
I just looked up and saw his dad just staring at me. I apologised quickly and went and waited outside.
As well, while we were playing, I almost hit either the same kid or his brother with a golf ball when I hooked the ball and got it on the fairway next to us.
TL;DR: Thought kid was a golf bag falling and went to stop it but punched him in the jaw.
alpineliam: You laid out a kid and nobody wanted to press charges? I think you got off pretty lucky there.
Wibbles20: I think the kid's dad was too shocked to do anything. And I got out of there quick smart
| 3 | 25.666667 | |
1397423505 | 1397453338 | t3_22y89s | t5_2to41 | 88 | cartmensfoe: TIFU by grabbing my friends ass
Friday night I started relaxing after hell week. 2 exams and a project due, plus homework every night, means that I deserve a night to have a little bit of fun. A couple of friends and I are hanging out, and we each have our own favorite drink. For me, that means a fifth of scotch. I had never had a whole lot of alcohol at one time, just enough to get me drunk and have a good time. This time, though, I decided it would be a good idea to have the ENTIRE bottle. That was mistake number 1.
Because it was right after hell week, we decided it would be a good idea to invite some friends who also needed to relax. In comes my friend whom I have had a strong crush on for most of the semester. She's just naturally pretty and a good person, but I don't really see myself having a chance with her. The only thing that makes our relationship strange is the fact that I have cuddled with her, overnight, twice.
I'm usually pretty well controlled when it comes to what I do. I'm not a very physical person, even when I'm super drunk. That night, though, I wanted to touch everything. It had been a while since I had hung out with this friend of mine, and I had missed her since the last time we had hung out. Apparently, this means that wasted me thinks it's a good idea to try and grab her ass. I have no idea what happened, I've just been told by a lot of sources that that's what I did. After that, she walked me back to bed and left after I passed out. Nothing else happened.
Since then, I ran into her 3 or 4 times. She's been friendly and smiling, and I think she's agreed to just forget that it happened. I can only imagine what she thinks of me now though.
**TL;DR**
Don't drink a fifth of scotch around people you have a crush on
KoreaNinjaBJJ: How is this a fuck up?
cartmensfoe: If it proves to not cause a huge setback in our friendship, then I wouldn't consider this a fuck up at all. Until that point though...
Traffic_Light: She let you cuddle with her overnight and she's all smiley and friendly after you grabbed her ass? Are you sure you don't have a chance with her?
RamblingRigamarole: He knows it isn't a big deal, as he said she has been friendly and cool about it. Maybe he just wants us to tell him to stop being a pussy and ask her out?
lbdavid19: OP stop being a pussy and ask her out.
Jf5ve: Agreed, you have spent the night with her without making a move. Twice. As well she made sure your drunk ass got to bed safe before she left and after the ass grab?
Think its about time to make that move. Get it over with, stop putting her on a pedestal and treat her like a lady not some figment of your imagination. You've touched her, she's real, go for it!
| 7 | 12.571429 | |
1397428021 | 1397487198 | t3_22yeyq | t5_2to41 | 44 | misterBazooka: TIFU by dodging a squirrel while driving
So this past Friday, I was driving at a local university for my job, heading to my parking spot. A wild squirrel appeared. (The squirrels at this college are notoriously oblivious and stupid to the point that everyone is surprised natural selection hasn't wiped them out entirely.)
Anyway, being a decent human being, i swerve to dodge him. Turns out I should have pancaked that little shit because he cost me an afternoon and likely several hundred dollars. While swerving, I take out my front tire on the curb. It was a total loss. I pull over to change to the spare and end up being late for work. Luckily everyone was understanding enough to let it slide.
So, I drive back home after work on the spare and look for tire stores. I research where to find a local tire store, and find all the nearby ones are in a bad neighborhood. "No problem," I think, "I'll stop at the tire store when I go home to my parents' for dinner on Sunday."
Flash forward to this afternoon. I'm taking the back way, nursing the spare. The spare gives out. Shit. I pull over, put on the hazard lights, and call up my mom to see if there's something that can be done instead of calling a tow truck. While I'm talking to my mom on the phone, I hear a loud thud and cursing. I tell my mom "My car's been hit, I'll call you back."
A dumb-ass cyclist had just barreled into the back of my car. I couldn't believe what just happened. My car was pulled over on a straight part of the road, you could see it from at least a half mile away, and this jackoff ran into it so hard he ended up on the roof! I give him a "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!" look, and we survey the damage. He wasn't hurt, but there was a tire track on the trunk and rear window, and dents all over the place. His bike was totaled. We exchange info, he calls a friend to haul him away, and he crosses the street in embarrassment and waits to be picked up.
I call my mom back, and she's freaking out that I had been hit by a *car*. I explain what happened, and my mom says she will bring out the spare from my brother's car (we have the same kind). I jack my car up and take the dead spare off and wait. My mom and brother arrives, and I have to jack the car up further, and while doing so, *the fucking jack breaks.*
Now the car is on the disc break. My mom and brother start laughing uncontrollably at my (understandably humorous, but not to me) misfortune. After my mom regains her composure, we call my dad to bring another jack. Meanwhile, a police officer arrives and protects us from traffic. (and any more cyclists)
After about 45 minutes of laughter at my situation, my dad arrives, (I've been on the side of the road for about an hour and a half at this point) and he pulls two jacks out of his car, and we quickly get the second spare on. Everyone departs, and luckily the remainder of my trip is uneventful.
So tomorrow i need to get to work and back, and replace my tire and possibly wheel, likely putting me out a few hundred bucks, and will be the butt of family jokes for the foreseeable future.
Fucking squirrels.
TL;DR: I dodge a squirrel and trash my tire. My spare pops, a cyclist runs square into my stationary car, and then my jack breaks before I can get a backup. I'm gonna be out a few hundred bucks in damages. Fuck rodents.
Crysis7793: I'm sorry but this is why I never try to swerve around for squirrels on the road. My mentality is it's either me or them.
misterBazooka: If this incident has taught me anything, it's that no act of compassion for small woodland creatures goes unpunished.
That and cyclists are a menace to society.
MetalDetectingGuy: :(
| 4 | 11 | |
1397427752 | 1397451178 | t3_22yelp | t5_2to41 | 34 | Werplus29: TIFU by dispatching the cops to my house.
Me and my dad were getting ready to head to a swim meet downtown this morning. Both my dad and I were pretty wonky waking up at 6:45 and weren't functioning properly yet.
Anyways as we leave I set to disable the house alarm. The thing with this alarm is that if you press the first two numbers of the code twice, it sends a distress signal to the alarm company who proceeds to call the cops. I should note that everything looks completely normal to fool a robber committing forced entry.
Being the dumbass I am I hammer in the code, but it doesn't accept yet. I press enter in the code and it accepts halfway though. I'm a bit weirded out but ignore it.
10 minutes later my dad and I are on the freeway and my mom gives me a phone call. She says she was woken up the cops surrounding our house. She was freaking out on the phone but my father told her to calm down. My dad said it wasn't a big deal but I'm still horrified from the event. I wasted the cops damn time too.
TL;DR: I sent a distress call to the cops in one of my drunken stupors.
tabularaja: You shouldn't feel bad for wasting cops time, they waste plenty of other peoples time and money
Davidi77: So edgy
tabularaja: so factual, look at the costs and benefits
rockhead162: Don't cut yourself on that edge.
| 5 | 6.8 | |
1397435964 | 1397478506 | t3_22yqhy | t5_2to41 | 171 | suemeidareyouto: TIFU by yelling at my teenage sister until she cried and pissed herself
Here's the short story: She stole stuff from my room. I noticed my guitar was gone, she confessed that she sold it online, I locked her up in my room with me and started yelling insults at her and she started crying and told me to leave her alone. I didn't listen to her and kept berating her some more but didn't physically hurt her, and she pissed herself while crying.
lazenbooby: You didn't fuck up at all. She did.
My iPod went missing a few years ago, although I never found it or where it went, my brother was going through a bad time financially and I'm positive he's to blame. He's always denied it and changed the subject though.
Silverlight42: How can a 12 year old go through a bad time financially? 12 year olds don't have fucking car payments or house payments or even taxes. They can't be going through a 'bad time financially.' It's greed pure and simple... bad people wanting MORE MORE MORE. Fuck them. Selfish bastards.
lazenbooby: &#3232;_&#3232;
He's 29...
Silverlight42: 29? Living with mommy and daddy and brother? fuck. sorry man it's worse than i thought. I can't help that.
lazenbooby: > A few years ago
Silverlight42: so 26, living with mommy and daddy and brother? Still same sad story. Don't care what his current age is. The only age that matters is at the time of the story you were telling... and you're just being defensive/technical here. There's no point to that. Tell your story or don't.
lazenbooby: He didn't live with us, I never said he did? How do you know I'm not 4/5 years younger than him and he came back to visit?
I have a reason to be defensive, there's a troll in my inbox.
Edit: Besides, even if he had been living with parents, who are you to care about other people's life choices?
| 8 | 21.375 | |
1397436431 | 1397485700 | t3_22yr6i | t5_2to41 | 9 | sirjamtrousers: Tifu by eating a chip
So I recently got my braces off, (yay!) and was told I could go back to my eating habits. Well I sure as hell did, and today it bit me in the ass. Or teeth in this case. With a permanent retainer installed in behind my bottom teeth I munched on some of those delicious Lay's chips and one of them got caught in my retainer unbeknownst to me. Well one chomp later and I feel a painful pulling sensation. I quickly spit the chip out and check it in the mirror. I dislodged my retainer on the right side and now I have to make that awkward call in the morning to my orthodontist.
Taelurrr: If not the chip, something else would've done it. Not a really big deal.
stickflip: But it is still funny.
| 3 | 3 | |
1397429526 | 1397444531 | t3_22yh1d | t5_2to41 | 10 | 2nitetonight: TIFU by ruining my crush's plans for the evening...
Not really worthy of this subreddit probably compared to some of the stuff I've read just now but I've felt like shit about it all weekend so I'm going to vent...
Last Friday I texted my buddy to see if he wanted to go grab dinner and see a movie after. He said sure but to text other people first.
Great! Problem is I just recently moved and am very new to the area so only know two other people. It's already like 5:30pm on a Friday so I text them both kinda quickly to see if there's any interest.
As soon as I sent the text I realized I'd made a mistake. I had no movie, no restaurant, and no time set. If I could have taken both texts back I would have, but I'm fucked already I can tell where this is headed.
Friend one replies that she's down to hang out. So cool, that makes three of us at least. Friend two (the one I have a crush on at the moment) calls me to iron down the details. Apparently she has another group of friends asking her to hang out too, so she just wants to make sure we are actually doing this before she ditches on them, since we still have not picked places or times or anything yet and it all sounds sketchy to her. I assure her that although nothing is set in stone there is indeed a small group of us that are going to hang out this evening. And that's that.
So, I text my buddy back and tell him what's up but he doesn't reply. I call him, no reply. Weird. I call Friend one who doesn't answer. She calls back and tells me she can't make it after all. When we hang up it's pretty late and about the time we were all supposed to get together and get on with the evening.
So, after making my crush ditch her friends to hang out with me instead, I reluctantly text her telling her no one is showing up after all and it's pretty much cancelled. And that's it. I ruined her fucking evening.
Anyway, I have to go in to work tomorrow and see her again and we work in a small group together and I would give anything to be able to stay home and hide all day. I'm such a pathetic loser. I'm 24 years old and I absolutely hate my fucking life right now. I want to die. I have absolutely no hope of ever getting with this girl and I'm cool with that, at this age I'm use to being single, but did I seriously have to humiliate myself and look like a complete fucking idiot? I guess so, it just wouldn't be my life if I didn't.
Please don't try to tell me it's not that bad, because ultimately it doesn't matter compared to how fucking shitty I feel right now. Please, just don't. But thanks for letting me rant. This has been eating away at me all weekend and I really needed to tell someone.
DrewP_Wiener: Hey, I'm not here to say that its not bad. I'm here to say don't worry about it. Listen i have felt this exact same way. Life moves on and you'll forget about it. Also next time you're feeling down and need somewhere to rant and get a response you can use my inbox I don't want anyone feeling sad or upset. If you're interested in a relationship I would suggest trying a dating site. A close friend of mine just met someone he absolutely loves from christianmingle.com (my buddy is a strong Atheist and told that to her at the beginning of the relationship and only used a Christian site to look for a real relationship). I wish you luck in a postive turn around in life.
2nitetonight: Thank you for the kind response, somehow you managed to say just what I needed to hear to cool me down, I don't know how reading that helped but it certainly did, so thank you.
Perhaps a different subreddit would have been a better place to post, but this one seemed appropriate at the time. Thanks for offering to listen at least.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1397439748 | 1397461092 | t3_22yw39 | t5_2to41 | 29 | aznsin12: TIFU by missing my final exams
I was studying tonight for my 2 exams and I thought "welp I studied my ass off and I'm prepared for what's coming. Let's check what time my exams are this week." I checked online on the exam schedule and turns out that both of my exams were 2-3 FUCKING DAYS AGO. I swore the days were on the 14th and 16th. I remember specifically and even wrote it down on my google calendar.
I emailed my professors for both courses discuss this clusterfuck of a mess that I made. I studied hard. I'm not failing. I really want to do well because I applied for grad studies and I don't want to redo another year to make up for this stupid mess.
edit: I got my econ prof to schedule an exam for tomorrow morning, but I am still waiting for a response from my other course. hopefully everything works out. I want to thank everyone for their support and allowing me to air my dirty laundry. It really helped to keep myself calm with everything that happened. :D
Eddie07: I'm finishing high school and that has happened to me before. I felt completely retarded and thought "how could the teacher even believe me?''.
glottal__stop: >I'm finishing high school and that has happened to me before. I felt completely retarded and thought "how could the teacher even believe me?''.
How does this happen in high school? Aren't exams during normal school hours??
| 3 | 9.666667 | |
1397447027 | 1397613222 | t3_22z6m6 | t5_2to41 | 69 | cavenator: TIFU by laughing repeatedly at a man who had a stroke.
Tonight I fucked up...
SO I work in a restaurant. Had this table of 3 older people. The one guy at the table seemed to be making a funny voice every time he opened his mouth. I thought he was being hilarious. All night I laughed at literally everything that he said, even though I didn't understand a fucking word, but he seemed to be cracking a half smile the whole time... I was wondering why the two other ladies at the table were giving me dirty looks the entire night, but I didn't sweat it. The guy seemed to be in a good mood.
Anyways so the meal ends and I hand him the bill. He already had his card out on the table, so I put the card in the machine, and he asks me how much I should get tipped(one of the two sentences I understood from him that night). I say "Hey, you could give me 15, 18 or 20 %, whatever is fitting for you! Haha!" So he gives me 15% and he goes to sign his name on the receipt, and he just squiggles a line that barely resembles a signature. So I go "Ha! Love that signature my man!" He puts the pen down with what little force I guess he had and goes "Jesus, I'm not trying to be funny! I've had a stroke!"
I just went blank and did that awkward retreat while murmuring "Uhh... thx... bye..."
I've never felt more horrible in my life.
**TL-DR: Served a man who had a stroke. He had a funny voice and I didn't know.**
CASHSWAG99: you should have one-uped him by acting like you were blind by saying "oh im sorry i didnt see that." and then by feeling your way back to the kitchen.
SirDigbyChknCaesar: /r/shittyadvice
CASHSWAG99: ive found my new home :D
| 4 | 17.25 | |
1397447825 | 1397495966 | t3_22z7oj | t5_2to41 | 880 | rubbersoul16: TIFU by sending nudes to my cousin.
So I was laying in bed, texting my friend. I guess she was a little bit horny, so she asked for some nude pictures to make up for ones she sent earlier today. Me and this girl had been sexting like this for a few weeks now, so we had the routine down pretty well. She'd send some, I'd send some back. So to get me horny, she was explaining what she'd like me to do to her, and in my frantic hurry to read those, I would just double tap her name on a snapchat so she gets the quick selection thing. So after o take the picture, I would usually Make sure her name was the only one selected but since I was in such a hurry, I accidentally hit my cousins name before the send arrow came up. Since I was just impatiently tapping that spot, I accidentally went a picture of my fully erect dick to my cousin. Who's a 13 year old girl. I am currently laying on my bed, shaking, hoping she wont tell my aunt and uncle. I really fucked up, guys.
Excuse all grammar/spelling errors, I'm on mobile. That's also why this is a block with no spaces.
Edit: hey guys, I said I'd update this in the morning, so here I am. It probably isn't as interesting as you wanted, but my cousin responded, she's fine, the secret will stay between us, and she didn't tell anyone. So I guess I'm in the clear. Until the next family party.
eravyn: might be a good idea to call your uncle, explain, hope he's understanding and will delete the pics without her knowing
rubbersoul16: She opened them within thirty seconds.
DicksonYamada: If you haven't already, you should call/text her and clear up the situation. Unsolicited dick pics are bad enough, but if you don't explain that they were unintentional you could be in even deeper shit than you're already in.
rubbersoul16: I've sent apologies, I'm just waiting for a reply to those.
userxuser: ha haha hahaha hahahahaha
keep us updated
rubbersoul16: Sure thing. I'm expecting a reply by at least tommorow morning, and I'll edit the post if I remember.
dartus88: OP sure is gonna deliver!
Supashibe: It went okay.
| 9 | 97.777778 | |
1397449765 | 1397568106 | t3_22za6o | t5_2to41 | 1,567 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to masturbate in the shower.
To start, I'm a female college student living in a dorm. I also have a high libido and a low level of patience when it comes to waiting to masturbate when the urge hits.
A habit I've gotten into is taking my vibrator into the shower with me. The bathroom has multiple curtained stalls, and the sound of the shower covers the sound of the vibrator very well. It's easy to sneak a toy in under your towel.
So today I was especially horny and decided I would bring my neon pink vibrator to the shower with me. I grabbed my toy and shower supplies and headed out to the hall. It wasn't until my RA passed me and gave me a weird look did I realize that I did not, in fact, wrap my vibrator in my towel, but rather carried it nonchalantly in my hand like a goddamn magic wand. I was being absent-minded and distracted when I left my room and forgot to hide my vibrator, I didn't even realize it was in my hand.
Did I mention that my RA is a female, who is also the TA of one of my classes and grades all my assignments?
Now I'm just sitting in my room, post-shower, soaked with water and shame and unwilling to do anything. I'm so embarrassed. I would have preferred to accidentally have dropped it in front of her so it at least appeared like I was trying to hide it! It must have been very odd to see me casually walking down the hall, carrying this big pink dildo with me like no one's business.
TL;DR: Tried to bring vibrator to shower, but forgot to hide it in my towel. Instead I carried it nonchalantly right past my RA, who I can never look in the eye again.
Edit: I'm not afraid that she will give me bad grades based on this experience. My point of mentioning the fact that she grades my papers was to emphasize an additional layer of awkwardness. She addresses me as a student and she as a teacher and has to hand back papers to me. I will have flash backs every time she returns an assignment to me.
fujione: Nothing to be ashamed of. Period. You are a young woman who by nature will be sexually active and such, you can masturbate in the shower all you want and she will most likely understand that you were not flaunting your damn vibrator.
LegendaryPrimate: You're wrong. The problem here isn't the masturbation, it's the fact that she was doing it in a communal shower. OP has a private room and is an adult. That's where she should be getting off. That's why her RA looked at her like she was socially retarded.
That said, it won't be a big deal. Your RA will tell all the other staff members, they'll laugh, and in a week they will have forgotten.
Source: Former RA who had to write someone up for loudly masturbating in the shower
billyfromphilly92: Where were you an RA for students who all had single "private rooms"? When I lived on campus (and pretty much every other school I visited) the only people who didn't have a double or even a triple dorm room were actually the RAs themselves
Gilsworth: There are literally millions of single roomed dorms in the world.
jargoone: And there are probably 10x as many people who live in a room with at least one roommate.
Gilsworth: I was replying to this
> Where were you an RA for students who all had single "private rooms"? When I lived on campus (and pretty much every other school I visited) the only people who didn't have a double or even a triple dorm room were actually the RAs themselves
So what the fuck is even your point?
jargoone: I knew what you were replying to, since I have a reasonable level of reading comprehension, which you apparently lack. Since I have to spell it out, my point is that it is a reasonable assumption that OP has a roommate, given the information at hand.
Gilsworth: Yeah, I can't read at all. Fuck me, right?
My point is that it wasn't reasonable and really a pointless observation based on nothing but anecdotes, but then so is this conversation isn't it?
billyfromphilly92: The fact that the vast majority of college dorms are shared, plus the fact that she didn't specifically say something like "I have my own dorm room but I prefer the shower" make it a pretty reasonable assumption. The fact that millions of singles exist doesn't change the fact that they're far less common than doubles and triples...
faghat: In my country I'm sure at least 95% of all people living in student accommodation will have their own bedroom.
That aside, even if op shared her room with another person or two, it's still a communal shower where people go to get clean (probably more people than whoever she shares her room with, too).
It's a bit like shitting in the kitchen sink because you don't have your own toilet. Which is stupid.
billyfromphilly92: Ok good for you/students in your country but in another comment she mentioned living in Virginia which means America where at least 95% of all people living in student accommodations all SHARE a bedroom, so again, our anecdotal college experience from the United States is significantly more relevant than your anecdotal university experience from whatever country you're from...
Also more people might share the showers than share the room but there is still a curtain in each stall protecting her privacy, which doesn't exist in her room or around the hypothetical sink that you take shits in. You take shits in a toilet stall, which, newsflash: has a door that you can close for privacy. I've masturbated in shower stalls and toilet stalls when I lived on campus in a triple dorm room and let me tell you, nobody is invading your privacy, you have as much time as you want, you don't have to worry about your roommates getting back and interrupting you, and you don't have to ask your roommates to leave so you can have permission to touch yourself. Hence it is not stupid.
| 12 | 130.583333 | |
1397451431 | 1397981378 | t3_22zc7g | t5_2to41 | 81 | MrsPokeylope: TIFU trying to change my tampon
On my alternativeprivate account as friends know my main and I may die if they knew this was me.
A couple months back I had a copper IUD inserted as birth control. Apart from the crazy amounts of pain getting that inserted, and all the no-baby benefits, I've found that I am now experiencing the worst periods of my life.
They are so heavy and sore that I feel like my uterus is committing suicide and trying to take me with it. I'm still struggling to come to terms with the new horrors that now come once a month.
Anyway, today at work I am sitting at my desk slowly feeling my bajingo inflate with the heaviness of a full tampon. I quickly head off to the toilets with tampon in hand to sort it out.
I sit down and prepare myself. I take out the well used tampon, unwrap the new one, and quickly pop it in. As I'm pushing it up with my index finger, someone walks into the bathroom while I sit in my cubicle. I quickly pull my finger out as the tampon is now in place, and as my finger swipes through the air, heading towards the toilet paper I'm ready to wipe it on, flying gracefully through the air is a massive blood clot. I'm talking at least 5-7cm here, super stringy and covered in awful dark blood.
And thanks to the brilliance of its trajectory it lands smack bang under the cubicle door and into the main bathroom.
I gasp and wait in silence. I think my reaction alerted the woman who must've been checking herself out in the mirror because about 3 seconds later I hear muffled dry retches and fast steps leaving the bathroom.
I quickly cleaned it up, washed my hands and left the bathroom. Thankfully no one walked in while I was cleaning it up or was waiting outside to see who the culprit was. I have never been more mortified in my life...
TL;DR Shotput my period blood clot across the bathroom D:
FaKeShAdOw: I feel like if this continues, you should consider switching methods.
D: I tried hormonal ones in order to -run away- from the periods that you are now facing. And I heard arm implant ones don't regulate periods either.
BC is hard. :/
haraaishi: Duuuuuude. I'm on the arm implant and I love it. I've only had spotting and haven't had a period in almost two months. The only thing I don't like about it, is that I'm hungry all the time. I love making people touch it.
My sister didn't like hers because she had mood swings but she had Implanon and I have Nexplanon.
FaKeShAdOw: So what about your sex drive?
Did it rise or fall or did it sorta turn into a plateau of "okay decent"?
Because when I actually have a period, I get that whole euphoria rush when it starts, then the whole 14-day mark of raging succubus mode. But I'm pretty sure the implant is going to affect that strongly, maybe even erase it.
On top of that, I can't have my period turn into a bloodfest for like 13 days, like it did to my cousin. D:
Closethecurtainsdear: I'm not haraaishi but I also have the nexplanon arm implant, my second one as a matter of fact (so roughly 4 years). Like above my periods stopped for a canny while, now it's light and occasional. I think at first I did feel a small drop in sex drive for the first few months the it regulated. I was also was losing touch as with the guy I was with at the time.
As of now, I have a very high sex drive so I wouldn't worry about all that. Obviously if isn't for everyone but I would recommend. :)
FaKeShAdOw: I'm scared of trying it cause it'd mean I'd have to go back and plead the doctor to remove it if it ends badly. D:
Closethecurtainsdear: You shouldn't be afraid of that hunni, not only is getting it out not that bad but you should have a doctor who not only understands but is they're to help. If you're doctor isn't there giving you advice and help, I'd get a different one. They do ask you to try it for at least 3 months ish for time to regulate in your body.
| 7 | 11.571429 | |
1397445634 | 1397547135 | t3_22z4p0 | t5_2to41 | 25 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking two pills of xanax instead of taking two pills of a stimulant.
**Prologue:** I spent pretty much all of thurs, friday, saturday gorging myself on the junkiest foods I could get my hand on and was in desperate need of some kind of work out cleanse my body of the havoc I had mercilessly put it through.
**Story:** I normally take an Rx'd dexedrine (an adderall like medicine) to help with ADHD, and then if needed I use xanax to come down from the post-dexedrine jitters to help me sleep.
Anyways, I was getting ready to embark on an ambitious two-hour work out session that would require my focus-lots of weights and cardio. So naturally, I'd be taking my usual dosage of dex. Not to mention, stimulants have the added bonus of being a bronchodilator.
However, I fucked up and instead took two pills of xanax which is like submerging your brain into a bubble bath while drinking a bottle of wine.
My workout was a complete disaster, I didn't realize what I had done until the xanax rapidly started drizzling over my brain. I pretty much lost my balance and started stumbling around the gym. When I tried to do the bench press, my arms felt like wet noodles, and I couldn't even press my starter weight.
For those who've tried Xanax, you know that it can hit you with munchies ten times more intense than any regular high. I was craving anything salty or sweet. So instead of getting in my MUCH needed work out, I packed it in, went home, gorged on some candies and roasted pecans (which tasted like pure mana from heaven) and passed out for 6 hours.
TLDR: Badly needed a workout-but took the wrong meds before hand and ended up destroying my body with junk food and passing out.
Mike: Dex may be a bronchodilator, but it is also a vasoconstrictor and puts extra stress on your heart (among other things). Be careful with that.
ssjkriccolo: Sounds like drinking a while bunch of coffee before working out.
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1397448580 | 1397468466 | t3_22z8o7 | t5_2to41 | -8 | HardHatBoy: TIFU by trying to bake pizza
So two thing's may have actually factored into this. first off, for the last little while I've been baking pizza W/O cardboard base, then second I also had one or two rum n' coke's before putting my pizza in the oven without throwing out the cardboard base first. Now I'm basically eating pizza mush, that didn't even cook all the way through because of the cardboard underneath.
TLDR: baked pizza with cardboard plate still under it, ended up with mushy under cooked pizza.
YourMajest1: Neat.
[deleted]: I hate when people comment shit like this... Its just unnecessary .
YourMajest1: Likewise, my friend.
[deleted]: Neat.
YourMajest1: My sentiments, exactly.
| 6 | -1.333333 | |
1397478037 | 1397564994 | t3_22zy4g | t5_2to41 | 303 | rajeeves: TIFU by accidentally spamming my teacher with thousands of text messages and almost getting him fired
I'm pretty close with this teacher, he's a chill guy, so I text him frequently. I asked him this weekend to send me something once he got it, and he told me to keep reminding him until he got it. It would have been fine if I just sent him a message once in a while, but I got the bright idea to make a python script to do it for me.
Well I write this script to send a text every 6 hours and it works pretty well but then my teacher and I start joking around and I change the delay time to 5 seconds just for a joke. I ran it for half a minute and shut it off again, nothing crazy. Just joking.
Well when I changed the delay back to 6 hours, I didn't save. I restarted the script without knowing the error before going back to sleep.
I wake up with him angrily texting me how his phone's battery died and he missed his alarm, and was late for school and could have been fired. I saw thousands of sent messages from me and my heart sank.
So yeah TIFU
Ludacon: Did you execute the python script on your phone?
rajeeves: Yup.
Ludacon: Android i presume?
rajeeves: Yup, SL4A. Really useful unless you're an idiot like me.
Ludacon: neat! makes me want to replace the screen on the nexus4 and fiddle with android again.
That_Deaf_Guy: Are we us? I need to replace my Nexus 4 screen too!
Ludacon: Is are we! It looks like the display is down under 100$ guess I should do that one day.
That_Deaf_Guy: Mine's around £50 to replace. I'm lost without my N4, iPhone cannot satisfy me the way Android did.
MelanisticPolarBear: I suggest jailbreaking then.
That_Deaf_Guy: Nah, my contract ends in August and this is actually my mum's old phone so I'll deal with it till August. Besides, jail breaking won't help. I've done it before and not only does it not offer that much customisability, it's also iPhone UI in general, e.g. Things like chrome + Reddit.
Ludacon: I actually REALLY love my iphone 5S, this is coming from years of Flagship phones (hell in less than a year i had an s3, N4, S4) and the iphone works flawlessly, is incredibly smooth, and the camera is fan-freaking-tastic.
| 12 | 25.25 | |
1397487878 | 1397510161 | t3_230baa | t5_2to41 | 31 | STICKY_OUT_NAIL: TIFU by not letting my brother have a chocolate
First off, this is a throwaway.
Second, this happened about an hour ago, so I still feel a bit sick.
Here we go...
I'm a teenager and I have an 11 year old brother (Let's call him Bob) and a 6 year old sister (name unimportant)
Our mum works nights so while she slept today, I looked after the house and my siblings (my dad works all day). Everything had been fine apart from a little squabble between Bob and my sister earlier today. They played on the XBox while I browsed reddit. It was absolutely fine. Until Bob was looking through the chocolates.
I was in my room, torturing my sisters dolls when I felt a sudden thirst. I went downstairs to the kitchen for a drink, where I found Bob rooting through the chocolate tin.
Quick notice, although we love each other, me and Bob fight at least twice a day, one of which is mildly threatening to either of our well-being.
STICKY_OUT-NAIL: What are you doing? (I knew what he was doing really)
Bob: ....Nothing....
*silence*
Bob: I'm hungry.
ME: Have a banana
Bob: I've had one
ME: Have an apple
Bob: Already had one
ME: Have an orange
Bob: Don't like them.
ME: Then go hungry
I went to the sink and grabbed a glass from the draining board and turned on the tap. As I gulped down my water, I felt Bob's eyes on my neck; he was waiting for my departure. I finished and left the room. I overheard a small sigh (of relief, perhaps?) and I ran back into the kitchen. There was Bob, clutching a glass of water. "Hello again" said he, raising the drink slightly.
Of course I was suspicious, but of what? Bob downed his drink and as he washed the glass, his jaw moved slightly. And I heard a small *clink*. I then realised of what I was suspicious: *Bob had stolen a Cadbury's Eclair*.
I pounced on him like a tiger on his prey.
ME: SPIT!
Bob: What?!
ME: SPIT IT OUT **NOW** BOY!
Bob: No! I'm hungry!
Chaos ensued.
He pushed me off and started flailing his arms about. I reached in to the mess of limbs and grabbed hold of his left wrist. Without thinking, I twisted it and forced him onto one knee. He looked down and immediately spat out the sweet. I grunted and let go. No sooner had I taken my first step away from him when a low scream erupted from Bob's very core.
This wasn't a 'Imma alert mum to the violence you just thrust upon me' sort of scream, this was a full-on 'HOLY FUCK THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG HERE' kind of scream.
I spun around to find Bob squeezing his left wrist, a bit of blood on his pinky. Grow up, it's just a cut, I thought. But as I looked closer, I saw what was really going on. The bottom of Bob's pinky finger nail was *sticking out of Bob's pinky finger*.
I panicked and yelled out. Shit, what was **I** meant to do?? I ran upstairs to wake up my mum. She was unimpressedwith being woken so early to say the least. After I explained what happened, shit got serious. My sister felt dizzy, so I had to treat her downstairs whilst my mum treated Bob upstairs.
25 minutes later, my mum drove Bob to A&E, leaving me and my sister at home. I'm trying to call up my dad at work but apparently he is in an important meeting. I'm going to be in some deep shit when he finds out.
So that's everything up to now. I'm sat here, trying to reach my dad-hoping that the meeting is finished, Bob is with mum at A&E and my sister is watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Shit.
**TL;DR**: Because of a small Cadbury's chocolate, I made the bottom of my brother's pinky nail stick out of his finger. Now he's in A&E.6
**Update**: My brother is back and it is worse than I thought. The finger is broken and a tendon has been severed. He has to go to hospital tommorow for an operation. He has medicine he must take thrice a day until it heals which could take 4-6 weeks.
My dad wasn't very mad. He said all the horsing around we do was bound to end in tears.
Also, for clarity, I pounced on my brother as a joke, for a laugh. I never meant to cause him any real harm.
enza252: Little brother not doing as he's told, older sibling tries to straighten him up, brother gets hurt in the process of being a little shit.
Deserved it. Hope your sister is ok!
[deleted]: Having been on the big brother end using an unnecessary amount of force to get your way is way worse than the alleged crime.
enza252: I'm on the little brother side, I learnt. This guy should too.
[deleted]: People shouldn't be able to act like shits to someone because they're older.
enza252: I didn't say they should. The kid should learn to distinguish between right and wrong.
STICKY_OUT_NAIL: I know, I pounced on him as a joke. I didn't want to cause any real harm
| 7 | 4.428571 | |
1397490386 | 1397622681 | t3_230f9t | t5_2to41 | 1,313 | want2fightme: TIFU - by accidentally picking up a hooker
This was actually a couple of weeks ago but have just now found the courage to post on a throwaway. I was visiting a relative in the hospital in one of the larger cities in Florida. As I was leaving the parking garage at around 10pm I hear/see a "lady" on the corner waving and yelling frantically at me. I roll down the window and she tells me she needs help letting me know that she needs to get to the bus stop in a hurry and asking for a ride. Against my better judgement I unlock the doors and let her hop in. As she is introducing herself I notice the stubble on her face and the slight hint of an adams apple. I have no hangups about peoples sexual preferences so i think little of it.
After her introduction she tells me that she recently moved to the city and has children at home who are hungry. Around this time I pull up to the bus stop which was only a block away from where I picked her up, she asks me to continue driving and lets me know she wants to go to a different bus stop. I find this a little odd but since I know nothing of the bus schedules in the city, I continue down the street.
She repeats the statement about the hungry children at home and proceeds to tell me that she really hates what she is about to do. At this point my spidey senses go batshit crazy and I my first thoughts were 'oh fuck here comes a gun or a knife, I am about to get robbed'. I immediately let her know at this point that I am about to commit bodily harm to her (I am a pretty decent sized guy and the fight or flight instinct had taken full hold). She replies quickly that I should chill, she just wants to perform oral sex on me for $40 or have sex with me for $100. I politely decline while trying to find a place to get her the fuck out of my car.
She is not easily dissuaded and continues to try and talk me into it. I drive until I find an ATM and ask her to get out with me. She doesnt want to get out of the car but I finally tell her that I am going to pay her and she doesnt even have to perform sexual acts on me and that I just want our short lived relationship to end. She finally agrees and I leave her in a McDonalds parking lot looking for her next big payday.
TL;DR - I accidentally picked up a transvestite hooker and then paid her/him to get out of my car.
prodigyx: You are lucky she just wanted to give you a BJ. Don't pick up strangers in large cities.
AccidentalRebel72: I live in a small town with like 1000 people. This one time after school, I stayed afterward to lift weights in the weight room. When I was done, I went out to my car, got in, and then some strange woman came up and asked for a ride to the gas station a few blocks down. I said no and got the hell out of there. NEVER pick up anyone anywhere
IGOTDADAKKA: Theres a difference between being smart and being an asshole. OP would've been smart to not pick of the hooker, you're just an asshole.
kristyrhall: Completely agree. And a town with 1000 people is not a "pretty small town".
UrbanTactician: That's actually tiny. My graduating class in high school had more people than that. I'm on my phone and can't really look it up, but I think that census wise, anything under 15,000 or 14,000 is considered a small town.
ajaytech: Jesus christ how big is your high school??
Gingerizhere: Mine is the same, bout 1100 students in a graduating class.
ajaytech: Wow so the total is like what, 4000 people??? My school has like 400 and I know it's small, but the biggest one in my city is 2200 people and it's a big school!
Gingerizhere: Mine is a two-year high school, Junior and Seniors. There are also Junior Highs, which are Freshman and Sophomore, that usually 2 or 3 feed into one of the Senior Highs mentioned earlier.
ajaytech: Interesting. What's it like being a student in a huge school like that? In my school, everyone sorta knows who you are, assuming you aren't hiding under a rock. Are you virtually unknown to everyone?
Like every teacher who taught you a class will remember you here!
Gingerizhere: Ive been in the same school district alk mg life, so I only have known a select group for more than 2 or 3 years. But my real group of friends are all in Tech Theatre with me, so I dont talk to very many other people during the day. Just walk to and fro with ear buds in day in and day out. Its nice because I generally dont have to associate with anyone I dont like or dont know very well. Hell, most of the time you dont see anybody long enough to dislike them.
Also, sports here are fucking crazy. Texas + big school = lots of sports hype, especially football.
Also imagine that many teenage drivers coming to school every day, there are lots of accidents.
| 12 | 109.416667 | |
1397497326 | 1397537882 | t3_230qyu | t5_2to41 | 19 | adamdh: TIFU by Giving a High Five
so I was sitting in my german class today, when I had a brief conversation with my professor after I had finished my worksheet. After he finished talking, he held out his hand as if he was expecting me to give him something. So naturally, I gave him a high five... He wanted my worksheet.
[deleted]: Dont you mean a Heil Five
Anoneemus3: ...or a high fünf
Greggster990: High Five is a proper noun so it will stay the same. If you want a translation though, Hoch Fünf.
Anoneemus3: I wasn't giving a German lesson, I was making a dumb joke....just let it be.
| 5 | 3.8 | |
1397500078 | 1397557681 | t3_230vmi | t5_2to41 | 163 | [deleted]: TIFU by losing a condom..
To set the scene, I'm at a party at my house last night, talking to this girl I've had a huge crush on for a while. Shes gorgeous, amazing body, perfect heart shaped ass, cool as shit personality..etc etc...actually I was pretty much bat-shit in love with this girl. The conversation is going really well, and eventually I noticed her give the slightest glance towards my crotch... which I decided was the signal for me to try the always effective "want to come up to my room to take shots?" maneuver. She says sure. Awesome!...works every time. So she comes upstairs, one thing leads to another, and next thing I know we're naked having sex. And oh boy is it incredible sex. It was like her vagina was strapped to a vacuum cleaner that was strapped to a Tilta-whirl...just amazing, almost mind-boggling stuff.
Now, I apologize for the crass aside, but for the sake of the story It helps to mention it. I have a pretty big dick. Exact dimensions arent really relevant, but its in the upper percentages of the standard penis deviation curve. Anyway, over the years I've discovered one of the few drawbacks of this aesthetic feature is that I have become far too familiar with broken condoms. In fact, it happens pretty much 50% of the time I use one regardless of the brand.. & there is nothing really I can do about it except having really gentle sex (which just isn't always feasible depending on the girl). I have also come to learn that some girls seriously freak out when this happens..which kills the mood and usually causes a premature end to the night.
Well, as we were getting into it, this girl insisted I put on a condom. I asked her if she was on birth control/clean...she said yes...but wanted me to use one anyway. Not ideal, but whatever, i'll oblige. Its dark and I feel around for the little wooden box I keep next to my bed & fumble around inside... its empty. Shit. I begin to have a mini mental panic attack; Was this going to end before it even started? Has any guy ever successfully pulled off the "wait here while I run to 7-11" maneuver? But then I remembered I still had my "break glass in case of emergency" stash..aka one of those crappy free generic condoms I grabbed from the health center that I swore never to use but hid at the bottom of my sock drawer anyway just in case. Its one those condoms that might as well come with pre-poked hole since they're basically guaranteed to break (I have a viable theory that the Catholic Church are actually the ones manufacturing those things in some factory hidden in the Vatican basement). Anyway, I have no choice but to put it on, and just try to take it easy to avoid the inevitable breakage.
So here I am in the middle of the greatest sex of my life. We were going at it doggy style...shes moaning loudly & were getting into that perfect rhythm where my hips are smashing against her ass, her head is smashing up against the bed, the bed is hitting the wall, and shit is just falling off of every surface in my room...it was a beautiful symphony...a god damn masterpiece. I had forgotten all about the condom. Take it easy? I was fucking General Custer charging into battle. The only thing stopping me was death or ejaculation...and I had done all my kegels this week. But during a lull in the action I look down. I notice that my dick had a weird rubber ring around the bottom of it. It took me a few seconds to process what I was looking at. And then I realized, not only did the condom break, it had entirely disintegrated into the love of my life's cock socket. Disappointment washes over me. I'm thinking, shit now I have to tell her what happened and most likely end this night with an awkward set of blue balls. But then the inner sexual warrior that I am kicked in. No, fuck that, the opportunity to have sex with a long time crush comes around way too infrequently, maybe even once in a lifetime...I was not going to let Pope Francis brand cock block condoms defeat me this night.
I had to think fast. And for some reason the first thing that came to mind was that scene in the movie Hall Pass where he's talking about giving "Fake Chow"...ie. pretending to give her head by fingering her and just make a buzzing sound with your lips. So adapting on this concept, I pulled out and began to finger her from behind...she seemed to be enjoying it...but the whole time I was actually fishing around with the tips of my fingers for the broken condom. Eventually I feel it and pull it out...its a tiny little scrap of rubber. Jesus, it was in pieces! So I dive back in for more. I start pulling out tiny bit after tiny bit like her vagina was a fucking garbage disposal. Then, I feel something hard. It doesn't feel like the condom...but what else could be hiding in there (car keys?). So I grab it with the tips of my fingers & pull it out...it was not rubber, but rather a small ring of plastic. Well...I had never seen a Nuva ring before, & pulling things out of a girl's vagina that you didn't expect to be there can be pretty startling. So I did the first thing that came to mind...and threw it across the room.
Anyway, I shrug it off and go back in to get out the last bits. But then she stops me. "wait, stop, I think I lost my Nuva ring". Damn, that makes sense. I couldn't tell her I threw it.. so I played dumb like I had no idea what she was talking about. She frantically searched around the bed in the dark while I half-assed pretended to help her look. Then I casually got up and walked over to my desk where I thought I had thrown it, acting like I was getting a bottle of water. It didn't take me long to spot...it had landed in a week old pizza box....in a puddle of partially coagulated bread stick marinara sauce. Fuck. There was no way to explain this...so I quickly wiped it off on the used piece of napkin also in the box, took it over to the bed, pretended to search around under the blanket and said "Found it! Weird howd that happen". I gave it back to her hoping it was too dark for her to notice the red stains on it. Well, she didn't notice the stains, but if there is one thing that can kill the mood worse than condoms breaking...its those awkward moments when you're laying next to a girl while she tries to re-install a Nuva ring covered in week old tomato sauce. She put it in. At this point my adrenaline had worn off... I was pretty tired, out of condoms, and mildly disgusted. So I decided to call it a night & said "Shit, I already took the condom off & I don't have anymore".
So she left with no clue what had happened, & my night ended with me jerking off to Youporn. I have no idea if there were any pieces of rubber left in there...but she still hasn't texted me back today which means I most likely completely just blew it with this girl I really liked.
**TL;DR** - Love of my life's vagina ate my condom, so I pulled out her Nuva ring, threw it into rotten pizza sauce & then received blue balls.
**Edit:** Look, think what you want of me...but like I said, I used the condom and it broke. Its not like I took it off or intentionally cut a hole in the thing. I pulled out as soon as I saw it broke...it happens to everyone at some point. I also get tested after every new partner, and once every few months anyway just in case, so I know I am STD free. I didn't cum inside of her...and she also told me she was on birth control/ recently tested at the beginning of it all...but not being able to verify that, she actually posed more risk to me than I posed to her. Also keep in mind I was in the middle of wild drunken sex with a girl I really liked in a freak lucky encounter that I knew may never happen again. I weighed the options & I saw a lot less good come out of telling her...rant all you want over the internet, but many of you would have done the same as I did in the same situation with a girl like that. As far as the dirty Nuva Ring goes... I've seen girls masturbate with some pretty dirty penis-shaped inanimate objects...vaginas are self cleaning,...I'm sure she'll be fine.
[deleted]: You suck as a person and do not deserve women to have sex with. It broke and you didn't tell her?! Are you kidding me?!
andystealth: To be fair, the damage was already done.
To be more fair, op is a serious shithead for not telling her.
neko_loliighoul: The damage being STDs. Yayyyyyy!
MobofGlitch: I've been recently tested, and she said she was as well.
neko_loliighoul: Wonder why she still asked you to wear a condom then if she was on nuva ring. Can't be too careful I suppose.
Farun: Because you don't have one night stands without proper protection. I mean, either of them could've easily lied about STDs or just caught one without knowing etc. Condomless sex should be reserved for relationships were you actually know that your partner is clean.
neko_loliighoul: Well yes that's true in fact its something I practice myself... So my comment was dumb
| 8 | 20.375 | |
1397489442 | 1397505170 | t3_230dsv | t5_2to41 | 85 | glasscut: TIFU by wearing briefs
The laundry bin was full and my underwear drawer was down to the dredges. The only thing left were briefs. Briefs from too many years back that, while clean, weren't exactly accommodating an extra inch of fat around my waist. But clean underwear is worth more than comfort, so I slap those fuckers on all day and don't think much about it, since the fit isn't too snug.
I decided to take a break from working all day and night lately to splurge some time on D3 at night, the wife and kid are in bed, it's quiet, the whisky flows, the pants come off, and I sit in my chair farming away Torment levels away looking for a legendary staff.
I tend to sit cross-legged whenever possible, and the briefs are digging into the fold of skin between my leg and groin, and I keep shaking my leg up and down, up and down, and if it feels snug, maybe the whisky clouds the logical part of my brain that might notice and do something about the friction burn. I finish up around 3am and head to bed, and wake up feeling an odd... pain in the joint.
By the end of day, the pain has turning into a dull throbbing burn that won't go away. I can't open my legs without a thrum of agony and I'm wondering what the fuck is going on. Any pain in the groinal area is scary (because I'm clearly a child), so I ask the wife to examine the (heavily forested) joint because I'm convinced some alien host has taken root.
She peers in and starts laughing, "Did you wax a single line of hair off your groin? There's a thin inch-long strip of skin with no hair on it at all." She finds it hilarious that a single "strip of waxing" has reduced me into a whimpering, hobbling invalid.
The pain is just as bad today, and I keep having to walk around to dull the pain a bit. I applied some peroxide but didn't see any bubbling or even feel any real burning, so I don't think I have any open wounds or infections. But goddamn.
**TL:DR - Wore briefs a size too small, gave myself massive rug-burn and ripped off all the hair in the joint between thigh and groin.**
Fuck you, briefs. Fuck you right in your snug, tight fit.
mark0210: How was your loot in D3?
Denkstrum: Nothing but Blackthorne
| 3 | 28.333333 | |
1397511509 | 1397645110 | t3_231fck | t5_2to41 | 40 | [deleted]: TIFU By Knocking Over a Blind Man
Title pretty much says it all. I was having a bad day all things considered, and my commute was taking forever. So finally I got off my train and bee lined to the escalator and didn't see a man with the dark sunglasses and cane... so yea he went down and of course I'm profusely apologizing but I still felt like a huge asshole. Also I managed to miss my bus.
TD;LR: I accidentally rugby tackled a blind man
CASHSWAG99: atleast you didnt say "sorry i didnt see you there"
UnrealSuperhero: "Sorry, you were in my blind spot."
T3hBau5: He never saw it coming.
| 4 | 10 | |
1397515379 | 1397526203 | t3_231lqu | t5_2to41 | 23 | HUYDURVUD: TIFU by making fun of my friends sister with Cerebral Palsy
So me and my friends were in the library doing some homework and my friend (who is a bit on the slower side) starts talking about breaking bad. He is looking at a picture of the breaking bad cast. I believe it was [this ](http://starcasm.net/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/Breaking-Bad-Cast-Next-Roles.jpg) one.
So I look at the picture and the actor who plays Walter Jr. and he looks completely normal so I assume that he doesn't actually have Cerebral Palsy. I remark on how he must be a very good actor to imitate cerebral palsy that well. He then calls me retarded because the actor does in fact have cerebral palsy. I call BS because he is standing up straight and this is where the fuck up happens. I say "Your sister has Cerebral Palsy and she walks like this, then I proceed to walk around the room like a dinosaur moving my with my legs bent and my arms moving up and down infront of me. At this point my friend picks up my $2600 macbook pro and proceeds to smash it across the table until it snaps in half. Then runs out of the library screaming "FUCK YOU ASSHOLE"
tl;dr My friends sister is a dinosaur and I'm a dick -1 macbook pro
packrat386: Wow. What the hell made you think that that was acceptable? You sound like a huge asshole.
_Hamburger_: That's the point of a fuck-up. Stupid things that we've done in the moment that make us look like assholes or dumbasses. This one situation might have made him look like a dick, but judging him just based on this one situation is shallow and childish.
packrat386: I understand that the point of this sub is dumb things that people have done and regret, but I think this one kind of stands out. If you accidentally insult someone because you didn't know they were blind or something like that, you were a bit insensitive, but it was just kind of a chance encounter. In this case this person straight up mocked his friends sister for a debilitating disease.
Sometimes its a faux-pax. However sometimes you're just an asshole.
ecodick: ooo an asshole on the internet. WOOOWWWW SHOCKER.
| 5 | 4.6 | |
1397515750 | 1397597764 | t3_231mbu | t5_2to41 | 186 | fukderNEways: [NSFW] TIFU by being a pig.
I try not to be a sleezebag when it comes to women and I figure honesty is the best policy to avoid sleezebagedness. This is not always the case.
There's a girl that has been trying to get my attention for a while but I told her I was only interested in her sexually. She said she wasn't interested in such an arrangement and so I went on my merry way. She'd text me fairly regularly and I'd be dismissive but respond sometimes. She continued to push to see me and I'd remind her that I'm only interested in her body and sex so therefore she should not be barking up this tree.
Fast forward a few months and she tells me that she wants to come over. I remind her yet again that I only want sex but this time she claims to share this desire. I reiterate that there is no potential for an emotional relationship. She's persistent still.
Fast forward to bedroom and there's some heavy petting going on and things progress fairly naturally. She goes down on me with some serious eagerness but only does it for less than a minute. No problem. Not all girls have the desire/endurance for that.
Fast forward to condom-time. She's nicely wet and me and Jr are ready to rock. She's incredibly tight and warns me of this so I'm extra gentle. Unfortunately, I'm unable to even get it all the way in. No problem. Tip is most sensitive anyways. We get started and things seem to be going well... She's making some noise, wetness intensifies, 2 minutes later... She pulls me out and just hugs me.
Now the gears are turning... "So uh... what? I know you didn't cum yet." I say to her. "Are you done?" No response. More hugging. She suggests we do something else so we go and have a shower and then go at it again.
Same thing. Gentle. Ensure no pain. Couple minutes. Pulls out. Hug-lock.
...Ok. So more petting. She suggests we do something else. Alright. Watch Netflix.
So she is ALL over me and basically smothering me with affection. I like affection so this works pretty well despite her seeming like she wasn't too excited about the sex.
Gears turn faster. The initial hesitance. The constant messages. Sex enthusiastic but short in duration. There's more evidence but I think this post is long enough. "Wait a minute. Do you... Did you only agree to have sex with me for the affection?" A casual response, "Well, yeah."
I prod a little more and finally I get this ethical nuclear missile, "Guys don't notice me or give me any attention unless I offer sex. So I have sex with them and then I get the affection that I want."
Guilt. Boner eradicated. We cuddle and talk for a while longer along with more netflix and then I take her home.
tl;dr- Exchanged cuddles for lame sex. She's cool with it. I'm not.
nuki_fluffernutter: If you keep your boundaries as NSA, what's wrong with some serious cuddling? Is that a string these days?
/old
boochix: Sorry to be lame, but what is NSA? I've seen it before but can't figure it out.
WinOSXBuntu: Well its the National Security Agency of course, keeping America's interests protected. (Smiles Whilst Holding Choke Line)
boochix: Haha, Americans seem to abbreviate everything. Especially sports. I get so confused.
WinOSXBuntu: I guess you are glad I'm British then ey? I only abbreviate my IT acronyms like AD for Active Directory and OFWHID for Oh Fuck What Have I Done!
boochix: Haha, FUBAR is one of my favourites. I too am a Brit.
WinOSXBuntu: I think I might have to denounce my British-ness now, because I couldn't figure out what FUBAR meant (A quick Wiki though and I shall be using it post haste!). Haha
boochix: You didn't know?! And you call yourself a brit?! Haha ;)
| 9 | 20.666667 | |
1397526054 | 1397596630 | t3_23224u | t5_2to41 | 35 | a_p3rson: TIFU by trying to give a friend a ride.
High school student in a small town. I'm on my way home from errands in the city (it's a good drive out). Any how, I'm back in my town, on the way to my house.
I start driving up this hill by an empty housing development. On the sidewalk, I see a couple, who are both friends of mine, both good people, with one in my grade. They are walking, holding hands, overall looking pretty happy with each other. I roll my window down, shout "Delinquents!" (he had a skate board, and it was a joke between the three of us), and drive away, all of us laughing. About a quarter mile down the road, I notice that it is really cold out. The girl (again, a long time friend of mine), lives a few miles down the road, on the edge of town. I figure "hey, be a good friend, give them both a ride."
So, I pull a U, and go back to pick them up. I get back to the top of the hill, and I don't see them anywhere on the sidewalk - a tad odd. So, I keep going down the hill a bit.
Eventually, I saw them. Behind a tree. Girl kneeling. Eating his meat popsicle.
The guy sees me, and waves (like an idiot), and the girl stops and has the biggest "ohshitfuckdamnit" look on her face that I've ever seen.
I drive off home, gladly GTFO'ing. Super awkward because they were supposed to be one of the more clean couples in the school. And, the girl has class with my brother tomorrow, who was riding shotgun.
Tomorrow will be interesting.
**TL;DR:** Driving past couple, go back to pick them up, surprise tree sex.
buscoamigos: Exactly how did you fuck up?
a_p3rson: By destroying the idea I had of them.
Plus, it was awkward as all hell.
buscoamigos: You are young. People have sex. It's natural and you'll get used to it. Seriously, you've got nothing to worry about. Give your buddy a high five and his girl a wink.
a_p3rson: Quite aware of that. Not the best idea to give out BJ's in a public place, in broad daylight, people clearly seeing you.
buscoamigos: So you are saying that they fucked up and not you?
AccidentalRebel72: No, they fucked
| 7 | 5 | |
1397524360 | 1397578164 | t3_231zjt | t5_2to41 | 141 | Riddlesex: TIFU by changing my reddit password in response to Heartbleed.
I'm a long-time IT professional, and either in spite of or because of that I'm a little inured to constant password panic. Although I didn't change any other password, in response to [this post](http://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/231hl7/we_recommend_that_you_change_your_reddit_password/) I ran over and changed my reddit password. I did not heed the helpful linked email account advice due to paranoia.
No more than twelve seconds later, I realized I already couldn't remember what I changed it to--I have only a vague idea, and none of my attempts so far have worked. It's not stored in RES, didn't save in Chrome, and my Keychain still shows the old password.
I bought a year of gold two days ago.
Today I fucked up.
creamersrealm: Clearly you're not an IT pro.
chalkchick0: I never do this but as you pushed OP's buttons I feel it's only fair. You're.
creamersrealm: Fixed and I'm horrible at grammar.
thatonekidnj: Grammar.
FTFY and apparently spelling.
xaronax: \#rekt
| 6 | 23.5 | |
1397517800 | 1397644662 | t3_231pid | t5_2to41 | 8 | ToGoWiNe: TIFU by putting toothpaste in my eye
As of a few months I've learned a wonderful method against "soon-to-be-zits". Put just a little bit of toothpaste on the red dot in the evening and when you wake up, it will have stopped reddening or even disappeared completely. And this is where the TIFU comes up.
I had this wonderful large red dot on my forehead and as the the method says, put a dash of toothpaste on it and you're good to go.. Well, as an advice, don't rub your eye before washing your fingers thoroughly.
This was all typed with one red/sore/irritated and practically closed eye.
turnnburn1: I have never heard of putting toothpaste on a zit to make it go away. That is extremely odd.
Nanomight: It's not a permanent solution, but it works a charm most of the time for me.
T3hBau5: TIL
| 4 | 2 | |
1397525531 | 1397618301 | t3_2321d7 | t5_2to41 | 33 | [deleted]: TIFU by only grading the front of a test.
So, for background, I go to a military school. The way it's structured means that there's a department in the student body responsible for handling promotions in the JROTC (Junior Reserve Officers Training Corps) program. I'm part of this department, but not officially, so they only bring me in when there's a lot of work that needs to be done, or they're missing people.
This past Friday, we were administering tests to determine promotion eligibility, and all of the freshmen were told to take the test or take a hit to their grade. This resulted in there being a metric fuck-ton of tests to score this morning. Unfortunately, there were only three people qualified to grade the tests that didn't have a class at the time, myself included.
I get started grading the tests, breeze through the lower ranks while the other two work on the long test for the higher ranks, and finally get to the last category of tests that haven't yet been graded. I go through all the tests unexpectedly quickly, thinking how strange it is that no one failed that last set of tests. I make a list of who passed and who failed and pack up, right as the class ends.
During the second block of the day, I realize something awful: *the last set of tests I had to grade had a back side,* meaning I passed a lot of people who really shouldn't have passed the test. It's worth noting that I had to sign my name on every test I graded, so they'll know for a fact that it was me. Later in the day, as I'm heading to lunch, the student in charge of the entire promotions department stops me in the hall and says, "You *really* messed up those tests. We'll talk about this later." At this point, I realize my ass is grass. I haven't had a chance to talk to her yet, so I don't know if she's really mad or not, but there's a fair chance of it.
So yeah, TIFU by being a dumbass.
**EDIT**: So, the girl in charge of the promotions department pulled me aside and said that she noticed the mistake I had made with the grading, but that since I had published the pass list for this week's promotions, it was too late to do anything about it. She didn't seem mad, told me to be careful, and told me to double check things next time. Everything went better than expected.
Sir_Dude: The real TIFU is that they're still grading physical tests. Dude, it's 2014, we have a remote science laboratory on *Mars*.
They should set up with a survey website or buy a Scantron machine. Its really not that expensive.
SneerfulWizard: Oh gawd no. My school just switched over to SBACs done wholly on the computer, rather than the paper ones I was brought up on. I would rather have a pen and paper to take a test any day of the week.
Tukhoai4k: holy shit this, the smarter balanced tests were supposed to be easier, but i completely despise this new test.
| 4 | 8.25 | |
1397533275 | 1397567590 | t3_232d5m | t5_2to41 | 77 | OvenBakedJuice: TIFU by going into my brother's room and discovering his fleshlight
I'm still in shock about this but I need to express it somehow. I wanted to play an old game that I couldn't find so I went into my brother's room to find it. I found the game that was in a box along with some other games. I slowly took each game out individually reminiscing about the memories I had about them. Then...I found it. It was yellow and or gold, but I couldn't figure it out when I first saw it. I, being the curious person that I was decided to pick it up. I was really confused at first wondering why this strange item was slippery as if someone rubbed lotion all over it. I looked around the strange object to figure out if something could just tell me what this item was. I saw it. I saw it. Jesus Christ I saw it. Please No. Don't let this be...
The word FLESHLIGHT in bold letters. I swore like a goddamn sailor as I couldn't contain myself. I dropped that shit harder then a morning dump. I put that tainted item back into the box, hoping that my brother would never find out and no one would know but me. I've washed my hands 5 times...but I still can feel the slipperiness of it..A chemical shower can't even help me now....This was 100 times worse then the time I discovered why my socks were crusty....
scroobius-doo: Maybe you should stay out of your brothers room.
ssjkriccolo: Maybe he should separate his games from the joysticks.
CrazieMexican: Ba dum tsss
| 4 | 19.25 | |
1397528169 | 1397595755 | t3_2325ef | t5_2to41 | 42 | [deleted]: TIFU- I wet the bed (turned 20 today..) and someone saw me naked ...it was bad just read it...
So I am on the wrestling team and I had to make weight, well I already made weight, but i decided to shed a couple extra pounds because I knew i was going to pig out on my birthday. So the few days before my birthday, I pretty much went without food and stuck with water. This probably was a bad idea but I at the time I was dead set on making weight. At around 9pm sunday, I was too tired to stay up,I dont know why maybe the lack of energy from not eating, but I chugged a couple liters of water for dinner and pretty much passed out on a bed. Now around 5am I wake up to find fresh hot liquid flowing down my pants, at first I thought it was a dream but then after 2 seconds I realized i wasn't waking up and jumped out of the bed to find a huge stain. Then i looked down and my boxers were soaked and my leg was drenched with piss. Then after turning on the lights I looked around and I realized unfortunately it was one of my roommates bed, and my roommate being a bro, decided it was cool if I slept on his bed, he just slept on mine. At this point I started to freak out and I went to the kitchen got a roll of paper towels dried my bed but the stain was still moist and there so I put a stack of towels on the stain and put books on the wet area in hopes that would help dry the area out. As i let bounty do its magic I took off the boxers and got into my birthday suit on my birthday, and knowing that my roommates wont wake up for another 3 hours at least. I went to go put the fitted sheet and the bed sheet in the washer along with my boxers and I turned on the washer which makes a bit of noise but I didn't worry because we are all pretty heavy sleepers. I thought I was in the clear until I saw my roommates friend sleeping on the couch. I freaked the hell out and I just decided to stay in the laundry room till the laundry finished to avoid an awkward encounter. So about half way through the washing cycle, nature called me again, apparently I wasn't finished from before. I tried my best to hold it in, but i couldn't so I figured I would tip toe to the bath room from the laundry room. So I grabbed my crotch and kinda ran to the bathroom, and let it out. a good 2-3 seconds later the door opens and my roommates friend who was on the couch opens the door and turns on the light, seems me standing butt-necked my hand supporting my genitalia while I was taking a piss. He ends up yelling, "holy shit.....why the f*** didnt you lock the door you idiot" and slams the door shut, I finished my business and I step out to find that my roommates had woken up. They look at me and then each other, then my roommate goes into his room to find a wad of napkins on the mattress with all the sheets missing. He came upon the conclusion that I had a "wet dream" and jizzed all over the bed(this sounded 10x better then the truth so I went with it, besides there was both wetness and dreaming involved.), he squirmishly yelled at me while i was holding my crotch, it was weird... and I offered to clean everything and get him a new mattress, but now my roommates look at me like some sort of freak...
TL:DR - wet the bed, on a roommates bed. didnt have access to the clothes in my room, ran around naked cleaning up, got caught by roomies, they came to the conclusion that i jizzed all over the mattress and i was cleaning up, and now walking into the apartment makes me and everyone else very very uncomfortable
knucklebone: maybe it's time OP sees a uroligist. Bed wetting later in life can be a sign of other problems
dabeeisme: I agree, I was a bed wetter until I was 18 it wasn't until my early 30s that I realized it was a medical issue (mine happened to be a brain issue).
knucklebone: mine was a bladder issue from a botched circumcision.
dabeeisme: Ouch, that sucks man
| 5 | 8.4 | |
1397521492 | 1397571364 | t3_231v2c | t5_2to41 | 15 | HotPocketTA: TIFU by eating hot pockets
Sorry for the grammar, on mobile.
So today I woke up sick. Too sick to go to school. As everyone who has stayed home sick before knows, it's not very fun, unless of course you're faking, which I wasn't.
I laid in bed for around 3-4 hours after initially waking up. Once I got up it was around 12 so I fixed myself some soup. A little while later I threw up and felt great, maybe even wonderful.
About an hour after throwing up I got hungry again. So like any human being I fixed me up two of them good 'ol warm pockets.
So a few hours pass and I'm feeling fine and am going to baseball practice. I get hungry and make two more hot pockets for some energy, I know, I know, I should've gotten an apple or something, but I was feeling fine.
At baseball practice I start to feel bad but we were running a lot so I didn't want to look like I can't stand conditioning. 15 minutes pass and I can't take it anymore. I dart off to the bathroom and almost gave the park's janitor a shitty night.
I go back to coach and tell him my predicament. He told me I needed to leave and feel better. I go home and have been throwing up a distinct taste (*cough* *cough* hot pockets *cough* *cough*) for the past hour. Lesson learned Reddit.
skatterbug: Formatted so everyone can read:
Sorry for the grammar, on mobile.
So today I woke up sick. Too sick to go to school. As everyone who has stayed home sick before knows, it's not very fun, unless of course you're faking, which I wasn't.
I laid in bed for around 3-4 hours after initially waking up. Once I got up it was around 12 so I fixed myself some soup. A little while later I threw up and felt great, maybe even wonderful.
About an hour after throwing up I got hungry again. So like any human being I fixed me up two of them good 'ol warm pockets.
So a few hours pass and I'm feeling fine and am going to baseball practice. I get hungry and make two more hot pockets for some energy, I know, I know, I should've gotten an apple or something, but I was feeling fine.
At baseball practice I start to feel bad but we were running a lot so I didn't want to look like I can't stand conditioning. 15 minutes pass and I can't take it anymore. I dart off to the bathroom and almost gave the park's janitor a shitty night.
I go back to coach and tell him my predicament. He told me I needed to leave and feel better. I go home and have been throwing up a distinct taste (*cough* *cough* hot pockets *cough* *cough*) for the past hour. Lesson learned Reddit.
thisismeyolo: Oh god, I already read the thing before reading comments
skatterbug: Well, now you can read it again more comfortably?
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1397534052 | 1397596870 | t3_232e6s | t5_2to41 | 7 | disenchanted_youth: TIFU by letting someone use my phone to make a call....
I just got off the train and was standing outside the station, trying to get my cellphone to connect to my stupid bluetooth headset. This lady comes by and asks me if she can borrow my phone to make a call because she forgot her's at home. She didn't look (too) suspicious, but to play it safe, I asked to enter the number myself and after she was done talking, called the number back (when she wasn't around) to confirm the number was legit. The guy who picked up said it was.
You see, my imagination went into overdrive when I heard her say something like "I only have a 100 so you need to give me back 60 when you meet me at the station." on the call. I called the non-emergency line for the cops afterwards and they said I have nothing to worry about.
Regardless, my paranoid mind is dreaming up the worst possible scenarios. Drug deal? Heist meetup?
Reddit, am I fucked? I thought I'd help someone out but fuck me, this is a terrible world we live in and i don't want to end up in a bad way :(
jumpmeep: How do you think you're fucked? I'm kinda confused.
Tex_mextin: He probably thinks he aided in illegal operations.....
jumpmeep: Ah. I see. OP, keep calm. It'll be on your nerves if you keep worrying about it.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1397535752 | 1397611007 | t3_232gec | t5_2to41 | 43 | ALivnigFolly: TIFU by drinking too much.
I'm way too drunk to stand up everytime i just get dizzy and fall down resulting in me getting stuck in my bathroom. I took off all my close except boxers cuz i was hot now im freezing on the bathroom floor. Prettt sure i gave myself a swirly before puking, and now i am waiting to pass out.
To sober me dont drink this much afain.
ComputerWhatever: Take a shower
korinthia: Hes too drunk to stand up and you think he should get into the shower. Really sound advice man.
ComputerWhatever: Maybe it will wake him the fuck up?
pirogoeth: If he doesn't fall and bust his head open in the process.
ComputerWhatever: Then he should just stay where he is and not get up? Okay
korinthia: Otherwise known as "Sleeping it off"
| 7 | 6.142857 | |
1397557151 | 1397924855 | t3_232zfe | t5_2to41 | 8 | Thrashlee: Went clubbing for the first time.
chalkchick0: Are you going to do that again? Most people do. You could be one of the bright ones who says "Three drinks, then home." and sticks to it. You will have as much fun but less "Oh, God, WHY?"
Thrashlee: Doing it again this week but never taking stuff with me
chalkchick0: Happy cake day, Mr. Unteachable.
Thrashlee: Mrs*
chalkchick0: Shhhhh! There are no girls on the internet. You'll give us both away. LOL
| 6 | 1.333333 | |
1397558882 | 1397849425 | t3_2330qm | t5_2to41 | 175 | SlimJiMorrison: TIFU- Dad walked in one me spanking my monkey.
About 4 hours ago, I broke my glasses. I have thick frame hipster glasses, I also have a broken computer monitor, so I am forced to use set up my 32in flat screen on my desk, I live in the garage (drywall and flooring, along with a door leading to the actual garage) So I heard my garage door open, the one's you'd open to park a car and shit. Usually it's my older brother who never bothers opening the door, so I keep doing my thing, one headphone in (for safety of course). Before I know it my dad barges into my room saying "Hey I got your new frames, they didn't have them in black, they only had brown." I had my willy tucked in between my jeans and hunched stomach I had time to minimize the window thankfully (Lisa Ann can I get a holla) He comes over towards my desk, turns on the light and says "Go ahead, I wanna see how they look." I put them on still facing my television, heart pounding like I'm on PCP. I thought he was finally going to leave, he responds with "Hey, I can't see how they look on you if you're facing your computer." So many thoughts went through my mind. One of course was ' If I move my chair his way he will obviously see my penis'. They only thing I could think of was to come clean. I didn't know what I was saying but it was something like "Dad...you walked in on me." but he didn't know what the fuck I was talking about. He understood what I mean after I said "Next time knock". Haven't spoken to him since, have runaway note left on bed.
AUTISTIC_PENIS: You handled that pretty well actually
SlimJiMorrison: Needless to say, I never finished. Looks like it's iPod touch back in the bathroom boys!
Macomea: This guy gets it.
SlimJiMorrison: The Lord Of The Rings reference?
| 5 | 35 | |
1397581327 | 1397631575 | t3_233uil | t5_2to41 | 80 | Kochen: TIFU by mailing a cellphone battery and not informing the post office
I am freaking out right now.
There was a long line at the post office because tax day.... I was there during lunch to mail off a couple things I just sold on eBay. One of the items is a Zero Lemon 7000mAH extended battery and case for the galaxy s3. I bought it as a Christmas present for my husband, but his phone was stolen a couple days before received it in the mail. It arrived in a foam/bubble lined envelope.
We never opened the package. I intended to return it, but time passed and I missed the return window. With the release of the s5, I realized I had better sell it quickly or I'd be stuck with it. So I listed it on eBay, my first time selling on that site.
It was bought, payment came through today, and I went to the post office....
I packaged it up in a foam or bubble wrapped or whatever envelope and got in line. There was a lady in front of me with a huge box loudly complaining that it was returned, damaged, from FedEx and now she has to ship it out again (but NOT through FedEx!). And some others who realized Ohio department of taxation was just down the street and they could drop their taxes off there. Unfortunately only people behind in line me realized that.
Finally got to the counter. Man was trying to be quick about it, obviously I know better than to ship explosive items and perishables and lithium batteries.
For whatever reason, maybe because he was going through it so quickly, or I had heard it all before so I tuned it out, but the lithium battery part didn't register. And when it did, it was at the end of the transaction - what I felt was the point of no return. Internally I was starting to realize I should say something or I'd regret it later. But the battery was mailed to me originally? So it must have been ok?
My mind battled it out and suddenly, in a homer d'oh like moment, I was back at work, and it was definitely too late now.
And I don't really know what to do at this point, but all I can think about is that homeland security is going to show up at my home tonight.
TL;DR fucked up by being socially awkward and now I'm a terrorist.
EDIT thanks guys. Was delivered today. No sign of homeland security yet.
the_one_silverwind: >What're you in here for?
>Oh... you mailed a battery. Better watch this guy!
Have fun in prison.
Lol jk. Hey at least you didn't download a file, or anything scarybad like that.
AccidentalyOffensive: Once I stole a balloon on Free Balloon Day.
pokerface99: Someone, nuke this fucker! He's too dangerous.
| 4 | 20 | |
1397582408 | 1397656529 | t3_233w9z | t5_2to41 | 1,121 | oops123456: TIFU by stalking my ex's instagram and accidentally tweeting a pic of him on my professional account
I'm a journalist and I have a Twitter account that's specifically tied to my place of work. I work for an extremely well-known, national publication. I was stalking my ex's instagram and accidentally copied a picture of him, I guess. As I was sending out a tweet, I thought I was copying a link to an article, but instead I copied the picture into the tweet. In this tweet, I also included a couple of @mentions to people who the tweet was relevant to. I hit send. It took me about 2 minutes to realize what I had done and delete it. Plenty of time for a handful of people to see my shirtless ex, holding a cocktail in a Vegas pool. My face is so red right now. I'm hoping someone will mention the tweet to me so that I can get it over with.
abrooks1125: .....the fact that you had copied the picture for whatever reason is a little strange to begin with.
BrightenthatIdea: You know for the stalker ex-boyfriend wall she [has](http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm96/javabeans122/drama/2012/gaksital/gaksital1/gaksital7-00472.jpg)
oops123456: I'm not that bad, I promise. We're actually friends who still have some romantic affection for each other. I've already told him that this happened.
masterrod: Then why aren't you guys together?
Good luck on people telling you.. You might have to hold this for a while.
spacepuppy69: I'm sorry for all the downvotes. I hope you're having a good day. :)
masterrod: Well if you're behind downvotes... Then I'd have ask why you care so much?
It's ok it's just points on the internet. I didn't make a troll comment, so it is what it is..
spacepuppy69: Hahahha I didn't dowvote you, I upvoted you.
I agreed with it.
masterrod: Thanks... :)
spacepuppy69: :) Seriously. I hope you have a good day. or had.
| 10 | 112.1 | |
1397584394 | 1397623583 | t3_233zpd | t5_2to41 | 372 | RogueJerkey: TIFU by not washing my hands..
My aunt is an incredible cook. She also doesn't have any children of her own, and I had never spent any real 1 on 1 time with her, so yesterday we decided to get together to have a nice bonding experience cooking something together. I really like Vietnamese Pho, and neither of us had ever made it before, so we decided to look up a recipe and give that a go.
To make Pho you just basically boil a shitload of spices in water for 6-8 hours, then add meat, bean sprouts, hot peppers, or whatever else you want to put in it.
While we're toasting the spices, I'm chopping some particularly spicy Serrano peppers to have ready for later. At some point during this my aunt warns me "Make sure you wash your hands before you go to the bathroom, your uncle made that mistake a couple months ago and it wasn't pretty". I laughed and assured her I've cut peppers before, I wouldn't be that dumb.
Anyway, 15 minutes later the spices are boiling, and my aunt went to her room to take a nap while we waited for it to be done. I went to the living room to watch some TV. Then I felt that pressure building in my lower abdomen. A fart? No, I had to take a piss. So I do just that.
I empty my bladder, shake a few times, and then go to lay back down on the couch. All is peachy at first. But a couple of minutes go by and I start to feel some discomfort brewing in my boxers. Just an itch maybe? So I reach down in my pants to re position my junk. The discomfort stops for a second...but then comes back a little stronger this time. I reach down again, scratch my nads, and re-adjust once more.
And then suddenly it hit me all at once. A searing, terrible pain shot up my shaft. It felt like a giant wasp somehow flew into my pants and stung me directly on my dick. Well, I reacted as any guy would react when his dick is suddenly set ablaze... I pulled it out to see wtf was going on. Honestly I thought I may have been bitten by a spider or something. I inspected all over, lifting my shaft, checking under my sack, closely examining each ball.
I didn't see anything amiss.
Then it dawned on me.... I hadn't actually washed my hands since chopping the peppers...just half-assed wiped them with some paper towels. I have a weird thing about washing my hands after going to the bathroom if its only number one. Ive always figured that most bathroom sink handles are a lot more unsanitary than my dick, which I wash thoroughly at least once, if not twice a day....so I didn't even do it after taking the piss.
Now, if you don't know anything about hot pepper oil, its pretty resilient stuff... you can't see it, and it likes to stick to your hands for a while. Even just getting the tiniest bit on sensitive skin in the wrong place can burn a lot. ...And I had just wiped it all over my dick & ballsac...multiple times.
So at this point not just one part of my shaft, but my entire groin is burning intensely. I'm in panic mode. It felt like I was literally being fucked in the dickhole by a fire goblin with a tiny flaming cock while my balls rested on a high voltage electric fence.
I fall onto the floor and curl in the fetal position, with my pants around my ankles, tears streaming down my face while the pain intensified which each passing second. After about 5 minutes wallowing in agony I came to the realization this was not going to go away on its own....I had to do something. The pain was so great now my sight was blurred and my brain was fogged. For the briefest moment I looked at the butchers knife on the table with frighteningly eager eyes. No, thats the cowards way out. Should I go to the hospital? Fuck, then i'd have to explain to my aunt and the entire ER that my dick was on fire. No...I couldn't even make it to the hospital. I was about to pass out from pain.
Then I had a sudden glimmer of rational thought. Milk! So I waddle over to the kitchen with my pants still around my ankles, and violently throw open the fridge door. Milk..Milk...Milk...Where is the fucking milk!? OMG, there was none. Who the hell doesn't have milk in the fridge. Its un-American. I was in such pain I was now literally just pushing things off of the fridge shelves in desperation searching for something to neutralize the burn. Ketchup? Mayo? It felt like Nurse Ratched from One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest was catheterizing me with a lit roman candle. I contemplated suicide. Then I spotted it...in the back corner laying on its side was a box of Chocolate Soy Milk. Does soy milk work the same as regular milk against hot peppers? Then another wave of searing pain. Fuck it, i'm doing this... I pull out the Soy Milk, fling open the cabinets and found the biggest glass I could find. I fill it to the brim, and immediately submerged my shaft in it. It felt good. So I shoved my entire dick and balls in the glass.
Within seconds the burn was gone. Ahh sweet relief. I was going to make it. But as soon as I took it out of the milk, the burning returned full force. So I put the glass on the floor, squatted over it, dunked my junk, and left it there. It felt incredible. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply to try to calm my mind.
Well, I guess I was rather loud slamming the fridge & cabinets open. Next thing you know, I hear, "DAVID! What the hell are you doing!". It was my aunt who had just opened the door to her room which was right across from the kitchen. There I was, pants around my ankles, food I had knocked out of the fridge all over the floor, fucking this glass of soy milk pile-driver style.
Ah, but it gets better. I was so startled by my Aunt I tried to hop up and pull up my pants at the same time... but they were around my ankles. So the pants got caught around my knees, which caused me to fall backwards, knocking over the glass of milk, and full on exposing my dick, balls and asshole to my aunt.
At this she let out a sort of half yelp half scream, and quickly slammed the door to her room. After getting myself back together and cleaning the spill, I knocked on the door and tried to explain to her what happened. I think she understands... the shame is still great, and I'm really hoping this doesn't come up at Thanksgiving or I will probably have to move away from my family.
**TLDR** - burned my dick with a hot pepper, then got caught by my aunt tea bagging a glass of chocolate soy milk
DiffidentDissident: Please tell me this happened in Philly. I would LOVE to find out that I know you.
RogueJerkey: It did actually o_O
DiffidentDissident: Was it Aunt Linda??
RogueJerkey: No, Aunt Susan, she lives in Fairmount
DiffidentDissident: Damn. I was getting ready to give my brother a really hard time. It would have been so much fun.
Hope your junk feels better today.
RogueJerkey: I shat my pants a bit when you said Philly....thought my Aunt told her neighbors or something haha.
Thanks for the well wishes for my junk.
coveritwithgas: Here I thought we wouldn't get a counter reset out of this one.
| 8 | 46.5 | |
1397588075 | 1397604154 | t3_2345uv | t5_2to41 | 48 | [deleted]: TIFU- By calling a deaf man retarded. NSFW language.
Ok so to be honest I suck at writing out my own stories so sorry in advance, on to the story.
So it started with my friend getting his first phone (were both teenagers) but sadly he has to share it with his little sister and brother so I could be texting any of them at any time. Now, like any other teenager I use profanity, a lot of it when talking to my friends so I normally use it a lot when texting or messaging people.
The first time he texted me I texted him back saying "hello faggot" and then we exchanged some more swear words and that was the end of the conversation. The next time he texted me I did it back and got some, rather strange messages back. They consisted of terrible spelling and grammar which is one of my biggest pet peeves so I pretty much went off on him for a solid half an hour, most of his messages back consisting of asking me who I was and why I was threatning them. I remember some of the messages saying things like "Am I talking to a legit retard right now?", I really wish I saw the signs that it wasn't my friend I was talking to.
After what feels like for ever I figured out that I was texting someone named tom, a deaf man and tom called me and had (what I believe) his interpreter talk to me while he signed to her about how he didn't appreciate what I was saying ect...my heart sunk I felt like absolute shit for making fun of someone that I didn't know for no reason at all really. I apologized profusely and thank god he understood my dilemma, i still am not sure what happened with my friends phone or # that sent my messages to Tom and his messages to me but I am glad that he was very nice about all of it.
**TLDR: I called a deaf man retarded because of my retarded friend.**
Again sorry about any grammatical or spelling errors.
That_Deaf_Guy: Hello, you uppity fuck. We meet again.
degeneratesaint: ...SORRY!!!!!
| 3 | 16 | |
1397586952 | 1397670430 | t3_2343yt | t5_2to41 | 48 | awatchquestion: TIFU by accidentally putting on a sex show
Years ago I was a 17 y/old kid with his first serious gf. We were both bored one night and decided to roadie around town. We started playing truth or dare and this eventually led to her giving me road head while completely naked kneeling with her ass facing the passenger window.
I honestly can't explain what my retarded pot hazed brain was thinking, but while passing the local cinema I started wondering what was in theaters. My gf, completely oblivious to all of this, just kept on trucking on while I slowly drove past all the movie posters hanging on the front of the building. At this point, I had completely forgotten about her blowing me.
There were a group of teens all standing in front of one of the posters towards the edge of the building. I stopped my car and tried to look around them, but I just couldn't see past the 5-6 kids loitering about. I starting doing that 'move out of the way' hand gesture so I could just see what damn movie was playing. I guess they took that as the 'come over here' hand gesture. One at a time 3 of them of them walked over, saw what was happening, then ran back to their friends to share. I imagine it was something like, 'Holy shit Timmy wasn't lying, there's a naked girl giving a blow job in that car!"
So yeah, my brain finally worked out what was going on. Yes my gf is still going to town down there, yes her naked ass is practically hanging out the window, and yes I just propositioned a bunch of 12-13 y/olds to walk up to my car and take a gander. I floored the car out of there causing my gf to slam into the seat then half fall into the space under the glove box. She was pretty mad... especially after I told her about the whole expose we just put on.
To wrap it up. Nothing ever came of it (holy thank fuck). We were both sweating bullets for days but I've never heard anyone even mention it years later now. She did dump me a week later for being an idiot though.
TLDR: Pot makes you an unintentionally perverted idiot.
[deleted]: Pot didn't do that being oblivious to your surroundings did.
dizzykitty: God didn't do that doctors did.
| 3 | 16 | |
1397598305 | 1397966867 | t3_234nhc | t5_2to41 | 8 | rqpenn: TIFU by trimming my armpit hair
The weather is starting to get very humid where I'm at and my body hair is matted down and muggy everywhere. Being a naturally hairy guy I try to remove as much excess hair as possible. My pits naturally are starting to stink and get worse, so I decided to trim them up. My dad told me he used to do this when he was younger so I thought what the heck.
For some reason I thought it'd be a good idea to use some scissors instead of trimmers to shorten them just a bit. It was going well...at first.
So there is a pesky [skin tag](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acrochordon) near the bottom of my pit and sure enough I accidentally cut half of it while cutting my hair. I didn't feel anything but right as I did it I knew I fucked up. It bled pretty quick.
I calmly grabbed a few paper towels and applied pressure (thankfully I can just keep my right arm down and still have both hands.)
The bleeding has slowed down, but now I'm sitting here with a folded paper toweled wedged in my armpit.
koyajguthrie: Not yo sound barbaric or anything, but just rip that shit off. That's what I did to mine. You'll just keep nicking it when shaving(at least I did)
rqpenn: Wish I could. It is a pretty big one with the base being about 2mm thick. I'm going to get it removed soon.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1397599024 | 1397628658 | t3_234ora | t5_2to41 | 41 | PresidentPlatypus: TIFU by a porn ad going off in a college class
I walked into to class a little late so I found a seat in the back between these two attractive girls. I pulled out my computer and opened it to hear "hey are you looking at...." I slammed my computer to make it stop but it keep going ".... at porn again" in a sexy pornstar voive. The girls I was seating by began to laugh and the teacher pretended it didnt happen. I wanted to die.
[deleted]: ROFLMAO. Were you watching adult videos on the computer beforehand?
The_Newmanator: Yeah, its pretty common on this subreddit.
| 3 | 13.666667 | |
1397603584 | 1397654156 | t3_234w15 | t5_2to41 | 46 | [deleted]: TIFU by being a living caricature of a klutzy person. (pics inside)
I'm a clumsy person. I don't think I've gone a day in my entire life without tripping, bumping into something, or dropping something at least once.
So today I'm walking to a meeting and I have to step up onto a curb. I don't step high enough, I trip, pretty standard.
It's at this point that every single body-protecting instinct people are supposed to have completely abandoned me. I didn't twist my body, I didn't put out my hands, I just fell straight forward.
Since I did nothing to prevent this from happening, I landed directly on my face. My glasses snapped right in half, cutting my nose in the process. My nose is swollen, I'm missing a large patch of skin on my forehead, and my face is basically one giant bruise.
But my palms are perfectly fine. So at least there's that.
Face pic (Warning, blood):
http://i.imgur.com/kdJQmWN.jpg
pbraham: I know you're not asking for advice but have you considered doing karate or Tia chi? It will help with coordination.
imaybemeesh: I would but I don't really have access at the moment (student, no money, not offered at my school's rec as far as I know).
I'm doing yoga, though. I've been told that helps.
pbraham: Yes but you have to concentrate so that you get the mind body coordination.
imaybemeesh: Well I just started a few weeks ago, so here's hoping it kicks in. Thanks!
| 5 | 9.2 | |
1397621278 | 1397831117 | t3_235mmh | t5_2to41 | 145 | Nothing2Special: TIFU. I'm Sick. He's Indian.
So, I'm at work and, I'm sicker than a kid with a pocket full of paint chips. My co-workers and I (food servers), are waiting on someone to order something to eat. Good guy Native American just started working a couple days ago and, gets everybody a big plate Nachos. Anyways, he asks me if I'd like some and I say no, due to being sick...
"Would you like some nachos?"
"I don't want to get you sick man."
"Ahh don't worry about it. I don't get sick. I'm Indian!"
"Oh yeah? What about Smallpox?"
I regretted saying that immediately and apologized.
MasterShredder: seriously, if you are sick go home. especially if you are a server. nobody needs to catch your shit, you cad
Smokey95: >cad
?
MasterShredder: [...](https://www.google.com/search?q=cad+definition&rlz=1C5CHFA_enUS567US567&oq=cad+definition&aqs=chrome.0.69i59j0l5.2870j0j8&sourceid=chrome&es_sm=91&ie=UTF-8)
Smokey95: DAMMIT MAN I NEED ANSWERS
MasterShredder: uhh, i put a link in there. click the little dots, smokey
| 6 | 24.166667 |
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