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1397654972 | 1397709651 | t3_236gnf | t5_2to41 | 1,556 | C3SR: TIFU By burning my wife's ass hole.
Not today but happen a few months ago. New to this sub so I thought this would be the appropriate place to share my story.
So after a while of doing the same ol' stuff with my wife I decided to surprise her by trying to fuck her in the ass. She was always open to the idea of trying anal but was timid as she is inexperience in that department.
After work I decided to drop by my local pharmacy and pick up some lube. You know, to give her tiny ass hole the courtesy of a well deserved greeting. As I'm looking at all the brands I come across KY Warming Liquid. I thought "Hey, why not? It'll make her first time even better! ".
Fast forward to that night we're getting hot and frisky. As I'm fucking her in the doggy style position I give her a heads up and say "Babe, I'm going for it". She's already close to climax, her legs shaking and all so she agrees. I begin to secretly apply this soon to be lava from he'll. My hungry cock begins to inch closer to her uncolonized territory and as soon as I make contact she starts screaming bloody murder. She said it was like the wrath of a 1000 super novas simultaneously exploding inside her ass hole.
She was in pain for a few days. I'm afraid Reddit, afraid she won't let me try it again...
Edit: Thanks for everyone's suggestions and not so pleasant comments. This is _Today I Fucked Up_ right? Anyone that is married knows that keeping your sex life hot in the bedroom is essential to a marriage.
Just to clarify a few things I didn't just ram my cock in her ass. The tip had just started penetrating. As soon as the KY was in and around her butt hole is when it started burning.
And yes, I was worried about her. We both laughed about the whole situation.
Edit2: A word.
LondonChap86: You wait until she's right on the edge of reaching a ladygasm before you decide to plough her ass?
That's just rude!
C3SR: She has a tendency of stopping as soon as she squirts. I had to seize the moment.
TheOtherAvaz: She's a squirter? Lucky guy.
Blezerker: yeah, he's so lucky to have someone piss all over the bed!
SelcouthBadger: It isn't piss though.
camel_slayer: and the time-old Reddit debate begins...
cuppincayk: Is it really a debate if there's scientific evidence?
BrashKetchum: Yes.
Source: American politics
JustLetMeComment: REKT
Bagnag: #rekt
SelcouthBadger: **\#shrekt**
| 12 | 129.666667 | |
1397658879 | 1397660274 | t3_236m43 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by not suppressing my feelings
I am feeling those feels I pushed away (and there are alot of feels about a whole variety of things).
Today is going to be a long day.
fruitellla: Wanna talk about it?
Theoisme: Do you have a couple of hours :P
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1397657422 | 1397875682 | t3_236jxv | t5_2to41 | 78 | Not_Invited: TIFU and had a threesome behind a pub.
I was super beyond drunk and high and went down on some girl while she gave my friend a blow job. I was OUTSIDE of a PUB at about 4am. I'm pretty sure daylight was happening actually.
Oh God.
EDIT: Yup, I'm female.
tammerlian: The fuck up is you going down on some random girl. Better hope she was clean
Cyridius: Jolly Ranchers.
Doc_Payne: No no no no
Vinifero: I thought it was Gushers
Doc_Payne: Wait what? You have of the Jolly Ranchers story right?
Vinifero: Do tell?
The one with gushers was something about out a guy eating out his gf, shoving gushers up there, and some infection sacs dislodged inside her and he ate them.
Doc_Payne: No no, you've read the story. Either this same story was reposted and renamed or you might have gotten the name confused. But in any case [here it is] (http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/9wcte/reddit_whats_the_grossestnastiest_thing_thats/c0er6q4)
Vinifero: I have a hard time believeing anyone could mistake a pus sac for a jolly rancher. Those things are bone hard!
I heard the gusher story like 7 years ago so it was probably reiterated into the jolly rancher story by someone who didn't know what a gusher was.
| 9 | 8.666667 | |
1397660657 | 1397725294 | t3_236os0 | t5_2to41 | 149 | bhefferman: TIFU by agreeing to insert a butt plug during sex
I will firstly admit this hasn't happened to me but my mate has just told me, so I therefore can’t think of a better place to let the world know of this tale.
On Saturday night after we had many drinks my mate (to protect his identity, let’s call him Tom) was getting rather intimate with another girl in a club. After we all decided it was time to part ways and go home, Tom decides to go home with the girl.
Obviously in no time they get down to it with the frequent echo of plastic rustling not really deterring him. After many thrusts and such like she asks Tom if she can place a butt plug in him. Clearly caught in the moment Tom agrees merely thinking "What harm could it do?" She then also asks him to notify her when he is about to ejaculate.
They continue with the love making, and before too long Tom is quick in telling her he is about to ejaculate. As he does so she pulls the plug from his anus causing him to uncontrollably shit everywhere.
Apologetically, thinking he has done something horribly wrong, he gets up. But before he can see the damage he has made she then proceeds to roll her body around in the sludge.
It was at that point he realised the significance of the plastic sheet on the bed.
Tom ran home as fast as he could, minus his socks and 1 shoe.
TL;DR: My mate has a butt plug inserted during sex, girl pulls it out during his orgasm, he shits everywhere for her then to use it as a swimming pool.
jacksrenton: He left stuff behind on his way out? Man, he could have at least got his shit together.
Drim498: Well played, good sir.
whatwasigonnasay: Fuck you.
Drim498: That was incredibly uncalled for an unnecessary...
whatwasigonnasay: You're reddit cancer. How does it feel?
Jawdan: oh man. The irony hurts so good.
| 7 | 21.285714 | |
1397670936 | 1397749482 | t3_2375lg | t5_2to41 | 62 | mapcat: TIFU by sneeze-frying my laptop
So I've had my MacBook Air for about a year now and I can't really imagine life without it. It's just a gorgeous machine that never complains about the ludicrous amount of Netflix that I put it through.
I was casually just browsing in bed the other day when a sneeze caught me unawares. Globs of mottled snot bombarded my computer screen as I reached for the tissue box. Alas, the tissue box was empty so I was forced to abandon my laptop as I ran into the bathroom. There, I was able to find some fresh tissues, but like the Royal Family, sneezes tend to come in waves. By the end of the mucus paroxysm, I scampered back to my room, armed with a fresh box of tissues. As I settled down to wipe the screen free, I noticed that the streaks of snot had leaked down into the space between the screen and the keyboard, entering that crevice where all the actual computery parts are. Before I could even wipe down the mess I made, the screen went black. And now it won't turn on.
I went to the Apple store and they say it's going to run me about $700 to fix.
TLDR; I sneezed hella hard at my computer screen, and the snot leaked down into the actual logic board, leaving permanent damage. Now I have to replace it for $700.
Beware of where you sneeze.
Floyd_Pink: Congratulations on your purchase of a $2,000 web-surfing machine!
droptrooper: Great, we get it, you like to make more efficient use of your cash. Got a car? Is it the absolute cheapest available? Same with an apartment? If you dont have the absolute cheapest of both, then you, my internet buddy, are a hypocrite.
[deleted]: It's not about cheap, it's about price vs effectiveness.
A $500 windows-based machine will perform easily at the same level as a $1000 MacBook. Similarly, a $5000, semi-used vehicle is just as effective as a brand new one of the same year.
The apartment example is false equivalence. You rent a place for more than simply the price. There's also the location, ease of access to facilities, and how close or far it is from work.
I get what point you're trying to make, but you're way off-base and coming off like a total tool. Not to mention the point is incorrect. Fact is, Apple has historically overcharged for their machines when you can get a computer with similar or better hardware for much cheaper. You are literally paying a ridiculous premium (of hundreds of dollars) for nothing more than a name.
droptrooper: Coming off like a tool? I think YOU have that one covered.
[deleted]: Whatever floats your boat, sweetheart. I'm not the one making fallacious arguments just to sound superior.
droptrooper: Yes you are. I made no arguments. Just called out your hypocrisy. If you cant take the criticism, thats fine. Keep acting like a child. I dont give a hoot.
[deleted]: First of all, I'm not /u/Floyd_Pink, the guy you were originally responding to.
Second, you did make an argument:
>Got a car? Is it the absolute cheapest available? Same with an apartment? If you dont have the absolute cheapest of both, then you, my internet buddy, are a hypocrite.
You're implying that those things would equate to the same as a computer purchase. They don't, for the reasons I stated earlier. Criticism is acceptable when it has valid points. Yours didn't.
It's really not hard.
droptrooper: 1) You arnt the same person, but you are picking up the reins well enough.
2) Its a deconstruction, not an argument. An argument posits a theory. I just pointed out that computer/car/apt is all the same.
3) When you reference your "reasons" is this it? "A $500 windows-based machine will perform easily at the same level as a $1000 MacBook. Similarly, a $5000, semi-used vehicle is just as effective as a brand new one of the same year." Is that all? You are supporting my point.
4) Here is some criticism for you: Dont get so bent out of shape over an internet argument. Especially when what you list as suporting evidence for your point actually supports the point you are disagreeing with. Seriously, cars, apartments, computers, if you want to buy a mac, or a beamer, or a lux apt in the hot district of your city, the point is the same- its a matter of preference, not function.
5) Despite my desire to continue this discussion, I have to actually work. Have fun in your lecture today! Hope you learn something useful!
[deleted]: > 1) You arnt the same person, but you are picking up the reins well enough.
I guess that's fair.
>2) Its a deconstruction, not an argument. An argument posits a theory. I just pointed out that computer/car/apt is all the same.
Semantics. But you're still wrong because those three things are NOT the same, you're still pushing false equivalence.
>3) When you reference your "reasons" is this it? "A $500 windows-based machine will perform easily at the same level as a $1000 MacBook. Similarly, a $5000, semi-used vehicle is just as effective as a brand new one of the same year." Is that all? You are supporting my point.
>its a matter of preference, not function.
But I'm not supporting your point. You're stating that it's all the same regardless, and I'm saying that's not true. It's not just a matter of preference unless you're some flithy rich CEO. Many factors go into play when buying a product that's meant to last awhile (such as a car or computer). As I said, it's a matter of weighing price against efficiency. If there's a product for less than half the price of what a "designer" one does, and does the same thing just as well, why should you pay a premium for nothing but a name? That's senseless. Pragmatism *always* comes into play in one way or another when money's involved.
>I work
Highly doubt that.
droptrooper: Dont know what I expected, but as an attorney who is barred in NY/NJ I think I can say, in my professional opinion, that you can fuck off. ;-)
It must be really hard for you to try to rationalize a point that makes no sense. Pragmatism always matters for sure, but to think that people dont value name branding is stupid. Nike, Tiffanys, and a million other brands make their living off their name as opposed to their products. Apple is just one of many.
Again, fuck off. You are not right.
[deleted]: > attorney who is barred in NY/NJ
Cool story, but that's all it is.
>fuck off
Aww, widdle internet baby's feelings are hurt. All I did was return the discussion. I certainly hope you're not a practicing attorney, because you seem like the type to drop cases and fail to represent appropriately.
droptrooper: practicing and successful.
[deleted]: Keep tellin' yourself that, princess!
Now get that ass off to "work". :)
droptrooper: I dont need to tell myself... I get enough "Go fuck yourself" as I get handed checks to know im good.
[deleted]: Oh come now, we both know welfare isn't a 'real' job. ;)
droptrooper: hahahaaaaa.... oh man. I actually giggled at this.
If you are worried about my bona fides, you can pm me for a link to my firm.
[deleted]: Pfft, I could pm you the corporate site of the company I work for, but that wouldn't prove that I actually WORK there.
Just go pick up your check from the line, I really don't care who or what you're doing. :)
droptrooper: My picture is featured prominently on the firm site. Meh. Im over it. But since im wasting time here anyways, getting back to the original point, an apple computer is the BMW of computers. Brand name, more expensive, and no better or more cost efficient than other options. I still dont see a difference.
Kindest regards and fuck offery ;-D
[deleted]: > an apple computer is the BMW of computers. Brand name, more expensive, and no better or more cost efficient than other options.
But that's just the thing: BMW or Lexus ***DO*** make much higher-quality cars than a baseline Chevy or Ford vehicle. They're higher-class, better-performing machines. Apple makes computers which are literally the same hardware (if not *worse*) than a PC of about half the price, coupled with lax customer service and a horrible repair turnaround time. Not to mention you can never upgrade (parts all soldered to the motherboard, irremovable) or fix your Macbook (even taking off the keyboard panel to clean behind the keys voids warranty) unless you want to void the warranty and/or ruin your machine.
So once again, your analogy is total shit and you've missed the point.
droptrooper: No, no, no! I didnt miss shit, you are splitting hairs here. You dont think apple produces better computers than Sony or other bargain brand names? thats blatantly ignoring the facts.
Apple macbook or whatever model you are looking at is better than at least a few basement brands. Thats all the analogy necessary. The difference isnt as big as comparing BMW and Ford maybe, but if you are looking at utility alone, then the analogy is accurate. Bells and whistles man, bells and whistles. thats the only diff between the cars and the computers. Apartments, shoes, jewelry, anything else where a brand name dominates... the analogy is accurate.
[deleted]: >You dont think apple produces better computers than Sony or other bargain brand names?
They don't. The processors and video cards are several generations behind. Even newest and most "high-end" macbook has hardware that the laptop I'm on RIGHT NOW had ***in fucking 2012.***
A brand spankin' new computer should NOT have sub-par, ancient (in the technological sense) hardware that can't compete with a computer that's TWO YEARS OLD!
I could, right now, go to newegg or tigerdirect, or shit if I'm feeling a bit froggy I can go to the folks at ibuypower, and I could get a laptop for less than $1000 that would **completely outperform** the highest-end macbook available. And not just by a minor margin; it would fucking run CIRCLES around those macs. And save nearly $1.5k in the process!
My career is in networking, to include server and user-end pc repair. I've been in this industry for a very long time and Macs have *always* fallen behind in terms of sheer power and quality. They're mass-produced, shoddy piles of shiny crap for wannabe technophiles to sink their hipster teeth into.
You simply *don't get it*. The other things you list ARE of higher quality, because that's what their business is based around. Apple isn't. They're about pushing out their next year product, yesterday. They don't care about quality or "innovation".
droptrooper: Sounds like a bmw.... or nikes... or de beers... or deisel jeans... again, or anyother brand that trades on name rather than product.
[deleted]: Again, you have missed the point. Those companies you mentioned? They DO make higher-quality products (albeit with questionable labor practices, but I don't judge). Apple however, does not. I just gave you several technical reasons why not.
I'm starting to think you just don't understand the very *basic* parts and workings of a computer. There's no reason you would honestly be holding this point unless you were barely computer-literate.
droptrooper: I really dont understand the inner workings of a computer, but I dont think thats relevant. Especially if I concede the point that apple comps are worse than most competitors.
Seriously though, if we are talking about subpar products and overpaying for them, why is computer literacy relevant. I get it that you are a comp expert, but that isnt relevant here.
Overpaying is overpaying, regardless of whether its a computer or a car or an apartment, or jewelry, or jeans, and furthermore, begrudging someone for their over pay preference seems silly anyways.
[deleted]: >why is computer literacy relevant
Because the parts and workings of a computer is what this entire discussion has been about. Macs are stuffed with sub-par, ancient hardware and then sold for an unreasonably exorbitant amount of money. $2500 (the price of the newest macbook pro) would get you a PC with hardware that was equivalent in power to a server rack **in the fucking Pentagon.**
In case you don't get my meaning, it'd be one of the most powerful "personal" computers in fucking existence. And yet, $2500 to Apple gets you a machine that can't even run modern games, rendering software, graphic design, or even mine for bitcoins reliably.
Any money you give to Apple is overpaying. Getting a more expensive apartment with better access to the subway, or a more convenient floor number, or even a more secure building... these things aren't overpaying. They're cost-effective purchases, they *genuinely* improve the quality of life for the person buying them. Same goes for getting a Lexus instead of a Ford: you're getting a vehicle that's got fantastic crash ratings, amazing comfort, and one hell of a sound system, and that's just scratching the surface. Cars with more features are not "overpaying", they're cost-effective features, same as the apartment.
With all the examples other than Apple that you've given, each and every one of them gives you your money's worth. Apple does not.
In short, you should get what you pay for with your money.
This is why I said you can't compare those other things to Apple. It's not the same. False equivalence.
droptrooper: 1) the ref to an apt with better access to the subway is wrong. in the computer analogy, it would be like NEEDING to buy a mac b/c thats what the office runs on. as opposed to renting a trump tower apt that is in no way more convenient.
2) I really disagree with the statement that my examples give you your "moneys worth" but thats neither here nor there.
3) The false equivalence here is the additional 'reasons' you list for getting the other brands. You are adding points of comparison to one side of the equation but not the other. Thats a false comparison.
4) I forgot why im even numbering this.
5) lets go with a scaled analogy. Apple (on a 1-10) can be a 5. Most other comps we are talking about would be a 7ish, lets say, just for the sake of argument. Tiffanys can be a 9 for their high quality shit. But when you can get similar quality jewelry from a non name brand jeweler, for say a 6 on the quality scale... it makes no sense to pay 3x the cost to get tiffanys... unless its just a preference, which is the diff for computers. if you want a brand name, go get it and over pay, thats fine. If you want to hack the NSA or whatever computer literate people do, you wont get a mac in the first place. If you dont know any better, thats your problem.
6) I have a mac. Mainly because I dont do anything with computers except email, reddit, and porn. but i sure as fuck enjoy whipping out all my apple products because I can affrod an ipad, iphone and macbook. Literally the same sentiment that led me to buy designer jeans, tiffanys for the lady (who am I kidding, its for me), a nice car, a first class plane ticket, etc.
| 27 | 2.296296 | |
1397664772 | 1397672920 | t3_236v9m | t5_2to41 | 7 | AbominusWhite: TIFU by vomiting in a priest's foot
Hello guys! Actually this sh*t happened some years ago, maybe 8 (I was about 10 at that time), but perfectly fits in this sub.
I'm a christian guy, but I'm not. You understand it? I was baptized, and everything that christians do but I don't give a fuck about it. Yep, seems understandable...
Sooo, christian children do that Holy Comunion, i guess this is the name of that. Like 50 children go to the church in front of all parents and get that fucking waffle for the first time (seems like having the christian virginity taken away, in front of your hole family and other kids families). That thing has 2 years of preparation and I really don't like it, but whatever...
I'm some kind of hellish beast, I say that because I always feel sick when into churches. Actually I FELT because I haven't entered one of them for about 5 years. Going on... Like the demon I am, I felt sick like always in that day, really sick. I mean, my head seems to be exploding and my stomach felt like a bomb, also ready to explode.
When it comes to be my turn to walk into the altar, the shit happens, the most heavy metal thing I have done in my life yet... In front of 500+ people, high in the altar of the church, I vomited hard, right in the priest's foot!!!!!! I felt like Squeartle from that pokemon thing, and I definetly felt like I won the battle against that foot. The old man jumped while I was continuing my demoniac thing. I couldn't stop until a good lady help me.. she took me to a room and cleaned me up, than my parents arrived and both dad and me started laughing hard. That day was a good day, not for the cleaning ladies..
Edit: I think I should say I didn't vomit in his foot by porpouse, of course! I just couldn't hold it.
TLDR: felt sick in church, standing in the altar I vomited in the priest's foot, in front o 500+ people. I was 10 yo.
Sorry for bad english, not native language.
kvural: When I saw the title I thought you'd vomited into an open wound on the priest's foot
AbominusWhite: Now that you said I see it. Sorry, not english speaker.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1397673723 | 1397694256 | t3_237abw | t5_2to41 | 12 | dizzykitty: TIFU by drunk texting my lesbian co-worker
This happened the other day. I was in a real shitty mood all day and was kind of being lame to my co-workers. After work I got really drunk and decided I should ask my co-worker out as a way of apologizing for my shitty behavior. My first attempt was not very well articulated. I noticed this the next morning and tried to clarify my intentions. She never responded and now actively avoids me at work.
NMShoe: You just have to get her alone (she might not like you doing it in public) and tell her what happened. Then you apologize. It might not fix EVERYTHING, but it'll be better than it previously was. Hope it works out! :D
dizzykitty: Idk about that. When i clarified my intentions I also explained that I was shitfaced when I sent the first text and apologized for it.
NMShoe: Keep us updated on how she acts in the future. We might be able to help you out! :3
| 4 | 3 | |
1397680661 | 1397690711 | t3_237mdy | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU by not knowing what I did and getting my heart broken :(
My girlfriend broke up with me two hours ago. We're in high school, she's a freshman, I'm a junior. We've been dating 3 months. Literally the hour before we broke up, we were talking and laughing about Prom. I told her I'd wear a Bowtie (she LOVES Dr. Who), then we had to go to different classes. It was 5th Hour. At the end of the hour, I went to my next class, and she appears in the doorway a few minutes before the bell rings. She motions me over.
I got up and went to her and said, "Hey, what's up?" Then she started crying and put her head on the wall. My first thought: "Something happened." I thought maybe she just found out a relative passed or something, so I put my arm around her and said, "It's ok. What happened?"
She pushed my arm off her and said, "No." Through her tears. She took a deep breath and said, "I don't think this is working. You and me. I'm breaking up with you."
We both stood there for a moment. I couldn't say anything. I thought I had misheard. I stammered out, "But... What?... I... I..." She ran off to her next class crying.
I sat down in my seat. Luckily there was only one other guy in the class, and he didn't hear. He asked, "What's wrong?" I told him nothing.
She didn't even give me a reason. The last two hours of school crept by. When the last bell rang, I rushed out to my locker, grabbed my stuff, and headed down the stairs. At the bottom, I ran into her. I managed to say, "[Insert Name] we need to talk."
She nodded, seemed a little choked up and said, "I'll text you later. I have to go take a test." I noticed she had a pencil and test paper in her hand. I said, "Ok, I-I'll text you in a bit." She went up the stairs, and possibly out of my life.
I care so much for this girl. She's my first girlfriend, but I wasn't her first boyfriend. She always told me how I'm the best boyfriend she'd ever had (cause most of her previous ones were bad eggs, like druggies and alcoholics).
I'm typing this feeling like crap. I'm gonna wait about 30 minutes before I text her. I want to try to work things out. She seemed really sad. Maybe she regrets it? I at least want to know why.
TL;DR: Girlfriend broke up with me, didn't give a reason. She ran off in tears, and now I'm asking Internet strangers for any advice they have.
EDIT: We had a great relationship. We laughed, we joked, we nerded out (Harry Potter, Percy Jackson, etc.) Yesterday, we agreed to a Harry Potter marathon in a few days while on spring break. She seemed excited. Then today, POOF! Relationship=over.
She is diagnosed with depression and anxiety. She's off antidepressants now. She seems happy. Then the relationships over.
KoreaNinjaBJJ: Didn't fuck up. Boring story. Get over it! You're only a kid.
AccidentalRebel72: Ok, listen up asshole: I really care about this girl. I had never connected with a girl before, wasn't even really attracted to one. She had a hard life, but she's sweet for all she's been through. And you, my friend full of piss and shit, better watch your fucking mouth
rxcowboy: Same girl who a month ago punched a wall hard enough to fuck her hand up because you got into a fight. Same girl who's been dating drunks and junkies at age 15?
Look you're 17, Billy Bad Ass, she's the greatest woman ever etc. Take a step back. You're sticking your dick in crazy. I'm sure this girl is nice, but your dick is just the latest train pulling into crazy station.
You might want to evaluate your options.
AccidentalRebel72: I'm sure you know all about dicks
| 5 | 3.2 | |
1397691997 | 1397750713 | t3_23854g | t5_2to41 | 12 | Tht1nick: TIFU by jumping out of a second story window at school. And ratting out my friend.
So today i woke up at around 6:40 and i only had 20 minutes before i had to go catch my bus for my long commute to school. I get to school like any other day and it starts out normal, first block auto mechanics (im in highschool in Canada) and second block rolls by and this is where i fuck up, in science class.
Relevant info: i have a lot of good friends in this class and the teacher is old and oblivious to basically all the fucking around we do. Also its raining.
So im in class working like any other day and than i finish so i go talk to my friends (k and R) who are at the back of the class sitting on the window sill. We start talking and goofin around and then i just pop the window open for a bit, a couple minutes pass and i just say " hey how much would u pay me if i jumped out the window right now?"
K-"I'll give u a gram of weed or 10$"
R-"oh man do it"
At this point i kinda wanted to do it so i say deal and we shake hands. I wait till my teacher isn't looking and slide out onto the ledge of the window hanging about a foot or toe away from the ground and i tried to lower myself down more but i lost my grip and landed on loose slippery rocks, causing me to lose balance and fall over on my side scraping my arm pretty bad on the elbow. I picked myself up and ran to the front door of the school and walked back into class.
While i was out there my classmates sold me out..
Teacher-"where did you go?"
Me-" umm ummm bathroom"
Teacher-" don't lie. what were u thinking jumping out the window?"
Me- " k bet me 10$" i wasn't gonna say he bet me drugs lol
So she walked me to the office where i had an awkward convo with vice principal and basically she told me that I'm an idiot and all the what ifs. Me and K both have detention tomorrow at lunch, him for bribing me and me for doing it. I got sent to the nurse and had my arm cleaned. They also called my parents and my mom freaked out a bit :/.
Don't know what happened to K and his parents yet. Also because i basically sold him out I'm only getting 5$.
So in the end i now have reputation for doing stupidly dangerous things around my school, my parents are kinda pissed cuz i fucked up again and i have detention. But Atleast i got 5$. Also my arm hurts.
Well i learned i shouldn't jump from second story windows at school , honestly i don't really know why i did. And sorry for shitty grammar im on mobile.
Absentee23: Bullshit.
A deals a deal. $10 or a gram.
EL_CAVEMAN: He ratted, so he is lucky he got the 5...
Tht1nick: I honestly didnt mean to rat either, it was just the adrenaline and pressure and i couldn't think straight and said just what came to mind :P
tammerlian: Don't feel bad, they snitched you out first. Payback's a bitch
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1397695427 | 1397832574 | t3_238ab9 | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by texting my wife's friend.
(Preface: she and her husband have a very open relationship; not with other people, but discussing sexual matters is no issue for them)
I texted her this morning after receiving a snapchat of "good morning". I texted her to see what she was doing.
STOP. GAME OVER.
...Should have flashed on my life's HUD.
Instead I continued to text her, and, being horny, decided to ask her about what kind of porn she and her husband watched. (it wasn't that abrupt, but I'm skipping minutiae)
I know what you're thinking: "what the fuck is wrong with you?"
I know.
I end the conversation with normal, everyday topics, having jacked off in the bathroom and exorcized the demons possessing me to make such a bold, idiotic move.
Fast forward to 1 hour later. My wife texts me with a screenshot from the woman along the lines of "your hubby is funny." "What do you mean?" "Oh, just chit chatting me this morning."
Fuck. My. Life.
She was supposed to understand that that shit should never see the light of day, especially a damn cold call text! (My fault for initiating, not hers)
So my wife flips her shit, understandably. I texted the woman to delete all talk of porn and shit like that, but my wife is still hurt that I texted another woman in the first place.
I'm writing this from a friend's house because she kicked me out of our house for a few days. I can't see her or my 2 month old son because I have a goddamn problem with telling my dick that "no, it actually won't turn out fine"
Man, I fucked up.
If this flows poorly, it's because I'm drunk. I know, I know, probably not the best time to resort to drinking, but fuck you.
Goddamnit, I wish I could crawl in a hole and die. Right now I'm resorting to the Shaun of the Dead approach.
mrmcmaine: Your wife (who you have a child with) kicked you out of the house for texting another woman? I think she needs to either take a reality check or stop being a maniac.
hunnydewthis: Not just texting. Sexually texting. Emotionally cheating. Unless it had been pre discussed between them that it was acceptable it is should be assumed that it was not appropriate .
mrmcmaine: I had assumed that if the other couples relationship was open about things like that then asking them something along the lines of what kind if porn thy watch wouldn't really be too out of line. If both parties are comfortable with it I don't really see a problem. Was something other than that mentioned in the post? Maybe I just didn't read into it? Also according to him his wife threw him out for talking to her friend, it did not specify the extent to which she knew.
hunnydewthis: His relationship however was not open. He is not supposed to be talking to other people about sex. If he had just been talking to her it wouldn't have been an issue. But the topic was the issue. He had a sexual conversation with another woman. It had not been pre discussed that it was acceptable to do so. He knew what he said was inappropriate otherwise he would have not tried to have it deleted.
| 5 | 3 | |
1397699687 | 1397852716 | t3_238gjz | t5_2to41 | 15,016 | Sproutedonthenumber9: TIFU after applying for over 30 jobs.
So I was happily sending away my resume online using various jobseeking websites. Not getting much in the way of response, until I received this one yesterday.
http://i.imgur.com/5kiOCX3.png
iluomo: So I'm missing something....what profile did you attach this picture to? Or is it Facebook, and you linked your FB profile to the job websites?
letsgobruins: It's his Google+ profile pic.
eigenvectorseven: Note to self, before I apply for jobs, change the bullshit name I gave to Google so they would stop pestering me about it, "Bob McFaggot"
aceshighsays: In reality, you should have a separate email that doesn't connect to anything for business/jobs.
bears2013: After what period of time is it no longer acceptable to use your university address, as your non-work contact email? I graduated a year ago and still use lastname@myuniversity.edu, since my firstnamelastname@gmail.com just seems a little informal by comparison. But, I'm not longer involved with my university in any way..
/edit: All my emails from all my accounts are forwarded to my main gmail--I no longer have access to my university's email portal, but AFAIK it's "permanent" as a forwarding account (don't know if that'll change 20 years from now, but in the immediate future it's for keeps).
Nocturnal_submission: You should use the Gmail address now. Unless you're in school it's a little strange to see a university email address. Gmail isn't informal, it is the predominant platform. If you had an AOL email or something similar, that might raise red flags.
Gmail will be around forever, whereas school emails likely disappear eventually. As someone who recruits and hires people, piece of mind and thinking ahead can help make a good first impression.
Arlieth: There's a great reason to have an .edu address, and that's for sweet student license software discounts.
err4nt: "Since 2001, new registrants to the domain have been required to be United States-affiliated institutions of higher education"
It just means you're american…
Arlieth: An American *college student*.
You are automatically eligible for student discounts for software on many websites by using a .edu address.
err4nt: While most people with a .edu email will have been American Students at one point in time, any students anywhere outside of the US won't have one.
I'm not saying it hurts you getting education discounts, but to me it's a much stronger indicator of the country you studied in than your current student status. It's well known outside of the US that Americans hang onto their .edu addresses after they're not students any more.
Arlieth: I think you completely missed the point of my comment.
You keep your .edu address to retain eligibility for student discounts, *whether or not you're still a student*.
I really don't give a fuck about the American-only implication. It was never a part of the discussion in the first place.
err4nt: I'm just saying, outside the US at least it's well known that only students from *one* country around the world will ever have a .edu address at any point in their life, and it's also well known that students who are given a .edu address usually keep using them long after they have graduated.
It's not like Canadian schools all use like .edu.ca, or something else - every other school outside the US in the world just gives out regular emails at a regular address.
Because of this, I'm not sure how much having a .edu actually helps you toward education discounts.
True that you couldn't hold a .edu address if you *never* went to school in the US at any point, but checking for a .edu is a really really bad way to determine if somebody is a current student somewhere in the world or not.
Arlieth: Of *course* it's a bad way of checking for discounts. That's the entire freaking point.
The entire reason I mentioned the use of retaining an .edu address for discounts is that it is an *exploit in the system*.
... you're not autistic by chance, are you?
err4nt: So if they're not using .edu to check for discounts, what benefit does having a .edu serve for getting discounts?
I'm just saying I think there's much more *perceived* exploitation going on than actual exploitation, but feel free to believe whatever makes you feel most clever
Arlieth: They *are* using it to check for discounts, but it's a lazy way to do it. Holy crap you are dense. I'm done with you.
err4nt: Who is 'they'; why would a German, Japanese, or British software company bother to check for an American .edu address to validate student status, when no students that live in their country would have a .edu address? Can you explain that to me.
When I was in school I bought software from around the world and the country I had the hardest time buying from was US companies who only wanted to accept money from US funding sources. It's like they haven't figured out how the economy works. If I'm putting dollars into their country for a copy of software they should be thrilled. Every time that happens their economy gets stronger. But vendors in other countries don't care where you're from - if you have money they will do business with you. Just something I've noticed living outside the US and doing stuff online…
Arlieth: This entire conversation we've been having has been the result of *you having this personal issue about the American software commerce system*, not anything to do with the original topic of the usefulness of an .edu address. You're basically whining to me instead of contributing to the original discussion.
It is up to any individual company to decide if and how to offer student/academic discounts on their product. In the United States, it is almost always done by verifying a .edu address. I don't give a fuck about anything outside the United States, as this is an English-speaking subreddit on a website that primarily has American users. If a German, British or Japanese software company wants to offer student discounts, that policy is entirely up to them. But pretty much every international software company that has student discounts like Microsoft or Adobe will probably have programs in their respective countries of commerce that will accept university addresses from local institutions. There may also not be any financial incentive for American companies to offer student discounts for international students (offering a student discount might just be a tax write-off). It's entirely up to them.
But that's your burden to check for that, not mine.
I have never said that an .edu address was an *exclusive* requirement for obtaining a student discount. That interpretative error is entirely upon your failure to comprehend the discussion.
I also don't give a fuck about your problem buying software from the US and it has nothing to do with the discussion.
err4nt: lol, who hurt you?
> This entire conversation we've been having has been the result of you having this personal issue about the American software commerce system
No it hasn't, but I can see why you'd say that,
> I don't give a fuck about anything outside the United States
What I'm saying is people outside the US (which is a lot of people who sell you software, some of who offer education discounts) don't care about .edu and wouldn't use it for validating anything at all. You may not care about it, and your .edu works fine, and you may not realize some of your software you rely on comes from outside the US, but the reality is you're in a global marketplace and aren't aware of your own place within that.
Arlieth: So they don't offer student discounts to Americans. Oh well.
As an American, I have access to the major enterprise and professional software suites *used in America* anyways. All you're trying to do right now is be the global concern troll, but you really come across as trying way too hard to look superior.
err4nt: No, some non-American software vendors *still offer* education discounts to students, including american students - it's just there's no reliable way to determine student status on a global scale by parsing email addresses.
I'm not trying to look superior, I'm just pointing out the scheme *you claim to be exploiting* would be limited to just one country in the world, at best.
| 21 | 715.047619 | |
1397707614 | 1397859845 | t3_238s97 | t5_2to41 | 174 | Analvibe: TIFU and broke my girlfriend's vibrator while it was in my ass
My girl just left the house, so I decide that it would be a good time to pleasure myself. During this session, I get the wild idea to stick my girlfriend's vibrator up my butthole. It didn't really do anything for me so I tried moving it in and out as I pulled on the cord. Well, I pulled on the cord a little too hard and the vibrator stopped working. Fuck fuck fuck! I take it apart and find that the wires from the cord were pulled out of the spot where they connected to the vibrating mechanism. I clean the fuck out of it, and put it back where it was. Then I decide to go to the place we bought it and buy the same one. They only had it in pink. Fuck! So with my last option, I go to home depot and buy a solder gun (I have never used, held, or have seen anyone use one before). Go home, look up a YouTube video on how to solder. After 4 miserable fails and the house smelling like this solder crap, I finally get it to work!!! Fuck yes!!!!!! I am very careful when putting it back because a couple times the wires came back off. It will probably break the next time we use it and I will be clueless. I will either offer to solder it or buy a new one.
**TL;DR: put girlfriend's vibrator in my butt, it broke. Went to home depot, bought solder gun, fix it. It will break next time we use it for sure.**
FaKeShAdOw: I think you should have just told her you broke it.
Because that means you both get to go sex toy shopping (see: together) and you can actually be honest with her. Isn't that better? And she'll figure out finally that her boyfriend is actually an exciting and interesting person who experiments? Isn't that way better than hiding it?
You aren't ashamed of using it in your butt, are you? Besides, if it's been up your butt, it's now your toy. Even if it didn't break, the unspoken rule about this sort of thing is that it's -your- toy now.
sunsmoon: Plus, I wouldn't put anything that has had poop on it anywhere near a vagina because of the risk of infection, with UTI being the tamest "option" (but still fucking horrid).
Anoneemus3: You know he could clean it, right?
sunsmoon: I wouldn't trust it.
noob_world_order: Prude.
| 6 | 29 | |
1397712496 | 1397722236 | t3_238xyu | t5_2to41 | 8 | eric22vhs: TIFU by backing up my iphone
I must've misunderstood something because the result is now I lost all data on my phone, including contacts, texts, notes, apps, everything. I completely blank phone now.
micerl: Is it the first time you have done a backup of the phone? If not, everything should be saved in your computer (a previous backup) and that you, likely, chose to "Factory Reset" the phone.
eric22vhs: I believe it was the first time. I chose new phone or something, thinking it would then back up everything on it.
Apparently this deletes everything.
I can't think of anything too crucial. Important friends I can contact via Facebook, almost anything else I can just look up.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1397713915 | 1397889787 | t3_238zfu | t5_2to41 | 161 | lobersh: TIFU
If you have roaches don't pop a handful of sunflower seeds in your mouth
EVILEMU: fuck dude, My bag of seeds is right on the floor next to my desk. I'm elevating that shit.
jerrybob: Roaches can climb.
Cyridius: And fly.
Isak922: May as well just burn your house down and go live in the Space Station.
Lanayru: I'm fairly sure cockroaches can survive in the Space Station...
| 6 | 26.833333 | |
1397716754 | 1397779759 | t3_23920m | t5_2to41 | 31 | [deleted]: TIFU by listening to all the bands I used to during high school...
So basically, a fair few years ago I was in high school. During this time I was a massive music fanatic. Loved basically every Genre (still do). I just wanted to collect all the music I could.
I was part of a music swap with a friend where I worked at the time. What happens in this music swap is this:
Load up an external HDD with all of the music you have on it. Give it to that person. They give you back the HDD with all the music they have. Repeat with several different people.
After doing this for a bit, I had collected over 200GB worth of music, most of which I hadn't listened to.
So basically, I had a whole HDD dedicated to this. This collection was my baby.
Through out time I would upgrade laptops, perform backups etc. I lost a HDD a few years ago but the music wasn't on it (thank god), so I am using two HDD. One for music, movies and shows and the other for work and what not.
Fast forward today, I was listening to songs on Spotify. I was getting tired of them not having all the albums/songs that I was searching for so I decided to bring out the good ol' music collection HDD.
What's this?
Shows
Pictures
Movies
PC Backup
SO's PC Backup
Games
Downloads
Music??? Where is music? Seeing this, I frantically start searching the entire drive.
'Music'
Oh thank god! For a minute there, I thought I had lost 200GB+ of sweet sweet love. Click on the folder.
***4 songs.***
Okay, maybe it's taking a while to load, it's a pretty big collection.
5 minutes later.
Okay... come on. You're taking a bit long now. Come on.
***Nothing.***
I've gone from 200GB+ down to 4. Mother. Fucking. Songs. Who can I blame for this? Why, of course, MYSELF! It has occurred to me that I transfered all of my music off my external HDD to my previous laptop which, of course, is fucking dead as bat shit. I had thrown it out a year ago when it died thinking 'Oh, I've still got my pictures, shows and music on my external HDD, I don't need this crappy piece of crap'.
I was wrong. ^I ^need ^that ^crappy ^piece ^of ^crap. More than ever.
^Time ^to ^go ^download ^200GB+ ^worth ^of ^music ^and ^cry ^myself ^to ^sleep.
EVILEMU: DON'T TOUCH YOUR HARDDRIVE! The music is still on there until you write all over it. Use recuva, it'll piece together as much of your files as it can.
http://www.piriform.com/recuva
Doc_Payne: It happened over a year ago... I bet he used the HDD at some point or another
EVILEMU: Yes, but some of it might still be there. considering it takes up so much space, I'm sure a lot can be recovered. Also, if she just noticed it was missing, then maybe she hadn't used the harddrive in a while.
| 4 | 7.75 | |
1397709722 | 1397738336 | t3_238uua | t5_2to41 | 24 | trianglecaremare: TIFU by passing out in the operating room
The truth: This actually happened one job ago, but I was too ashamed to admit it then.
The back story: I was working in labor and delivery and my job was to assist doctors when patients had to have surgery. What I failed to mention when I was hired was my syncope. Basically I have occasional fainting spells. (They don't happen often and my doctors haven't found the cause.)
The story: one evening while we were repairing a vaginal laceration on an awake patient I passed out, fell face first into the patient then hit the floor. Worst part is when I went into the room to check on the patient later that night she had told her whole family what happened and they were trying to make me sit down and asking me if I was ok.
Very embarrassing moment in my life. So glad I don't work there anymore.
T3hBau5: Now.. when you say into.. Did you fall face first into the vag?
trianglecaremare: That would make the story so much more interesting. But no, I was told I hit her belly. (I was already unconscious so I'm going on what everyone told me happened)
| 3 | 8 | |
1397722401 | 1397749410 | t3_2396dw | t5_2to41 | 23 | Nikolai_Blak: TIFU by deleting a folder dear to me.
I'm a neat freak so I'm always sorting out shit. Today I decided to finally organize my music library of 1,000+ songs all with terrible tags and shoddy album art. I ended up deleting pictures, moving around some and moving old pictures from my laptop to my new computer.
I found some good pictures that I thought belonged in this dear folder to me. I went to pictures and lo and behold... It was gone. I searched my PC, the whole thing, and it was gone.
I will miss you, porn folder.
EVILEMU: If you didn't save anything where they were in memory you can recover it.
http://www.piriform.com/recuva
Nikolai_Blak: Alas, already tried that. Looked through all that was recovered and didn't see it.
idektbh: I know how you can still recover it. It would be easier for me to explain if I had my computer in front of me, but I'm on mobile right now. I'll tell you when I get home. It's really simple.
Nikolai_Blak: Eh, no point. Since most of it came from Reddit it was easy to find again. I think I may have more now than I did before I deleted it...
idektbh: Ah, okay then.
| 6 | 3.833333 | |
1397728020 | 1397813923 | t3_239a6x | t5_2to41 | 25 | pizzainsteadofblood: TIFU and lost a buttplug inside my girlfriend.
She panicked and ran to the bathroom to try and poop it out, it didn't work so she tried squatting on the floor and ended up pissing everywhere. She got it out, went back to bed and finished me off!
gg249: you were trying to cram the base in there too
on purpose!
it doesnt just get sucked all the way in by accident
pizzainsteadofblood: It was made of some jelly material, the base was a small ring. I wasn't trying to cram the base in there as that is a douche thing to do. It literally was there one second and in her butt another.
EquisC: Not the gf in question but can confirm this does happen and it's awkward.
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1397724804 | 1398027364 | t3_23982d | t5_2to41 | 21 | martymar18: TIFU by not checking to see of the soda I had contains caffeine
I used to drink a lot of soda. Much of it was caffeinated. Since went off to college and became to cheap to actually buy soda from the dining hall or with a meal, I lost most of my caffeine tolerance. As such I try to be very careful about drinking caffeine after like 6 pm so I can sleep, especially if I need to be up in the morning.
Well today I decided I will have a cheer wine with dinner. Cheer wine being gods gift to the earth via North Carolina. It's like a really really cherry doctor pepper. I thought it was caffeine free so I had 2. Turns out it wasn't. On top of that I have spent the day studying so I've been drinking coffee and since my allergies are acting up tea with hoe eh. So as I type this it is currently 4:52 am, I have an exam in 4 hours and 38 minutes and the chances of me sleeping before this exam are nil. Fuck me.
esearcher: Not specifically related to your story, but I love Cheer Wine. It reminds me of childhood summers at sleep away camp in NC, getting a bottle from the canteen as a treat. It also reminds me of that song about not taking your clothes off to have a good time, though that's a much lamer memory.
In any case, I wouldn't have guessed that it had caffeine in it either. But when you have sleep issues, you have to read labels. For instance, Sunkist? No! Fanta? Yes! Learn to love seltzer/club soda. Can't go wrong with that.
martymar18: I hate seltzer water. I usually just have plain water. I'm actually lucky enough that the water that comes out of my tap actually tastes good and not like ass unlike most of the other communities in my area.
mangage: surprise: if other places in your community have good tasting water but you don't, you have old/shitty pipes. So many people blame it on the area/municipality.
martymar18: Well Bowie, where I live, is on private municiple water. The city water is completely autonomous from the rest of the area. Other places in pg county gets their water from WSSC and it tastes like crap regardless of where in the county you are.
| 5 | 4.2 | |
1397680081 | 1397744255 | t3_237lf9 | t5_2to41 | 24 | JedLeland: TIFU by trying to say hi to a friend
Not actually today, but back in college, about 21 years ago. I feel like I may have posted this before, maybe in a thread somewhere else, possibly while drunk.
I was a Sociology major before I switched to Psychology, which I ultimately got my degree in. My school didn't think too highly of Sociology; it was more of a business/sciences school and relegated the Sociology classes to a small building on the outskirts of campus along with other commie stuff like Art. As it happened, one of my friends had an art class the same time as one of my Sociology classes and, if I got there early, sometimes I'd stop by to say hi before heading to class.
One day I got there and she was standing at her easel, talking to the professor. I was early, so I figured I'd hang around for a couple minutes and wait until they were done before saying hi.
As I was standing there looking in the doorway, I noticed a guy at a closer easel giving me a weird look. I didn't pay him any mind; I figured he probably just thought a guy looking in on the class like that was a little odd and I didn't blame him.
So after I'd been standing there for a bit longer, wondering just how in-depth this question to the professor was, my gaze wandered a couple degrees to the left and, for the first time, I saw the model: a nude woman.
So there I've been, staring into this classroom in the general direction of the model for a good three minutes solid. My eyes widened, I said to myself, "Oh, shit," and I bolted for my class, all in the space of about a quarter of a second.
I called her later and told her what happened. She thought it was hilarious and gave me some good-natured shit about being a pervert. Evidently she didn't mention it to the professor though, as every subsequent time I went to say hi, the classroom doors were closed.
tl;dr: Went to say hi to a friend in her art class; came off as a giant perv.
slabbb-: TIL art is "commie stuff"
JedLeland: It was a fairly conservative school. I didn't think things through very well when I was applying.
| 3 | 8 | |
1397696299 | 1397748191 | t3_238blc | t5_2to41 | 16 | whatisdelicious: TIFU by getting banned from FBLA
This happened like eight years ago (fuck I feel old) but I only just discovered this subreddit today. Spent a good hour so far at work reading and laughing instead of working. Figured I'd submit this one. It's certainly not as bad some of the other ones (just finished reading the dude who put FUCKING MAGNETS IN HIS DICK) but it's still dumb.
In 10th grade, a bunch of my friends were in the Future Business Leaders of America club in my high school and they were about to go on some awesome weekend field trip (can't remember where, sorry) so they tell me to join and I do. I figured any chance to goof off with my friends is worth sitting through some lame business stuff.
They made an online discussion board so we could ask questions about the trip and plan it, and everybody's asking stupid boring shit like "how much will it cost?" and "what should I bring?" 10th grade me decides to liven things up a little.
"Condoms."
That's the title of the thread I create. Promising start.
"Will condoms be provided or do I need to bring my own? I don't want to leave Roanoke a man and come back a father."
I sit back and laugh to myself, then go back to, I don't know, jerking off or whatever. 10th grader stuff. I go into school the next day and my friends CANNOT BELIEVE I posted that. They all think it's super funny and I go home feeling like a king.
That night, my parents get a call from the guidance counselor. Fuck. He requests a meeting the next day, which is a Teacher Workday when school is closed and I had planned on getting a lot of work done (jerking off relentlessly).
My parents are pissed and so is the guidance counselor. Apparently some girl got "very upset" over it and as a result, I was barred from the field trip and banned from FBLA. Pretty sure I also got some detentions as well.
I found out the next day from some friends which girl had reported it offensive, a girl many people considered a huge hypocrite for it because she was one of those "holier than thou (but would you like a blowjob in the bathroom?)" types. I have never met this girl and cannot even remember her name, so, sadly, I cannot vouch for her reputation.
Overall, I got off pretty easy, so I chalk it all up to a fun memory. I'm just glad it happened back then. I feel like the same comment today would've gotten me expelled and on the news.
**tl;dr I asked if condoms would be provided on a high school field trip and got banned from said field trip**
foofie99: Dude. Send that girl some free condoms in the mail. I did that once. Her parents/ boyfriend will get PISSED
whatisdelicious: Ohhh I know what I'm bringing to my high school reunion now.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1397742231 | 1397969294 | t3_239nfs | t5_2to41 | 35 | MaikHell: TIFU my career and personal by being caught loitering
First visit ever to the US, I was there on business to open an office. A visa was in process of being accepted. Walking the streets a girl hooks me up, say a price and I say, why not, got cuffed, mug shot, visa denied...you imagine the sand slide down to hell.
MaikHell: I wasn't thinking, was not even planning it, was not even aware it was illegal in the US (i'm german, we have districts built for prostitution), just step out the hotel to take a stroll and there she was..at the beginning I actually thought it was a hidden camera joke!
dieorlivetrying: Sounds like possible entrapment to me. Get a good lawyer.
MaikHell: The cops saw my bewilderment, I paid the fine and got discharged by the district attorney. The thing is, this denies me a us visa for the next ten years, plus explaining to my boss and family the situation, me who is known to be irreproachable
dieorlivetrying: That sucks. It was most definitely entrapment based on the circumstances. You shouldn't have been charged.
Sawsie: Entrapment is only when law enforcement makes it so breaking the law is a choice In that situation that anyone would take, regardless of personal situation.
So it would be entrapment if the hooked said, "you pay me for sex and I'll give you back 5x the money you paid me after", because no one would turn that down.
If it isn't something that is so good of a deal that no one in their right mind would turn down, then it isn't entrapment.
dieorlivetrying: That's a really weirdly specific definition. I don't know what the laws are like where you're from, but here in the U.S. "entrapment" is when an officer convinces someone to commit a crime they normally wouldn't commit.
The "prostitution sting" is one of the most common lawful stings, but it has to be done carefully.
For example, if you put an undercover female officer in an area commonly known for prostitution, and someone stops and tries to pick them up: not entrapment. Even if the officer flags the John down to solicit sex, usually not entrapment because it could be argued that if you stop your car for an obvious prostitute in an area known for it, you were going to commit that crime regardless.
However, if you're on your way to work, and an undercover officer has placed a tree in the road near your house to force you to stop, then while you're stopped solicits you, including saying things like "come onnnnnn... please? I need to feed my kids, you're obviously into me...what's the harm?", and you accept, that's entrapment. That's not "such a good deal", rather, it's simply easy to argue that there was no way that man was going to commit that crime without the officer's ruse.
Without knowing the facts, I shouldn't have outright said it was entrapment, fine. But from the story he told; woman stopped him on his way out of his hotel room, while he was just trying to go about his business...he'd at least have a case. It's reasonable to argue that he wasn't going to end up committing that crime anyway.
| 7 | 5 | |
1397743430 | 1397747532 | t3_239p43 | t5_2to41 | 27 | [deleted]: TIFU by walking on the beach.
Disclaimer: Alright I lied, this happened four months ago.
So it was the morning of new years eve, I'd been staying at a beach house with my parents for a couple of days thanks to a family friend. From this house the beach was only about two minute walk, so like the previous two days, we went to the beach before lunch. After sitting about for a small time, relaxing and catching some waves (that made me sound so cool, I do confess it was a boogie board) I decided to go for a walk. Now I'm the sort of person that loves going on aimless walks and just exploring and that sort of thing, during the 0.0001 percent of my life when I'm not indoors that is, being at the beach of a small town far from where I live made that even more appealing.
So I started off, following the shore, I didn't over-think it, but I liked the idea of seeing how far out I could go. I pass another popular beach, right next to the one I started on but around the corner of a cliff face. After that, the sand gave way to nothing but rocky shores, still walk-able, but the comfort was gone. I should mention at this point that like the previous days, I was walking barefoot. The rocks weren't so bad, I ended up with a few small cuts but that doesn't really bother me, the real pain was that the rocks were covered in those spire types of shells, you know these: http://www.carolscornwall.com/On%20the%20Beach/Mollusc-Rissoa%20parva26-04-09.jpg sorts, I'd land flat footed on one occasionally and it'd remind me to pay more attention.
There weren't many people out here, just fisherman mostly, or people with their kids going for walks like me. At some point I had to take a bad piss, so I sat my ass down in big wide crack between some shore rocks above the sea, the sort of place that'd either be underwater or pounded by foam if the tide was in. Now I went to the beach in summer, but Melbourne was having a shit summer at the time, so it was still a bit too chilly for me to be inclined to sit my parts in the ocean to do my business. I ended up relieving myself in my bathers, with just sort of my legs in the water but not the rest of my body, I figured it didn't matter much anyway, I'd jump in the water later and clean it up.
At a certain point I had to turn back, it got to the point where the rocks stopped being a shore and just started being.. well... normal rocks, I was having to start climbing over really uneven ground, and wedge myself between gaps, even if I may not seem like the smartest type with the story I'm telling, I was smart enough to know not do this sort of thing alone.
So I'm heading back across the rock shores, getting to the point where I can see fisherman again. Then I stub my toe.
Now, before this happened I would safely say I probably stubbed my toe four times during this walk, it happens when you're barefoot like me. But instantly, I knew this was just wronged, I buckled over and ended up doing that whole family guy thing, but the burning pain quickly went away into just that feeling, that this was wrong. I knew the second I stubbed my toe, that I'd fucked up bad.
So I take a look, and there's a small red cut, at the top of my left foot near the big toe. I knew this was no normal cut, after all I'd known this was big a second after I'd stubbed it... but hey, it'd probably just end up taking a while to heal. I touched it, and I realized something was in there. There was a noticeable bump, that moved very slightly when touched, inside my foot. I mentioned that the pain went away quick, it did, so long as I did not touch this ... foreign object... at all. I made a few attempts to get it out, but nothing. I knew what had happened, a small shard of the rock must have broken off when I kicked it, lodged itself in there. I could even see it, surrounded by welling blood, there was a noticeable rough object.
I didn't have a choice, I had to walk back. Now later, I looked at this area on google maps, and I am quite certain, that with I walked at least three kilometers like this. I had to limp, walking with my left foot on its side, bumping the sole at all would send shivers through me. I occasionally stopped, trying my hardest to get it out, at one point trying to use a stick to leverage it out and even asking some fisherman if they had a knife or something, anything. I limped passed the second beach and instead of going straight back to my parents I went up a ramp and started using the boardwalks to cut around. It was my intention to get to the life savers club first and get some first aid from them , hopefully having the whole issue solved before the time I got back. I was aware of my head getting really dizzy and my thoughts getting a bit tipsy. I assumed it was me reacting to the pain, after all I'd pocked that cut with a stick and tried to jack it out without even flinching, my body must have been doing something weird.
I get to the club, finally, after walking for almost an hour. Members of about my age look over me and we have a bit of a laugh and they got me some coke. If I was in a better frame of mind I probably would have been a bit excited about some of the uh... well there were some attractive girls there heuh heuh heuh. Anyway, they tried pushing tweezers and all kinds of stuff to get it but it just wouldn't even budge the conclusion was, I needed to see a doctor. Fuck.
After a while of them trying to find my parents while I waited, we concluded that they must have went back to the house, so I got a ride in a buggy back, my parents were freaking out a bit but mostly because I went missing on a beach for about three hours, after they found out I needed to go to the hospital they were pretty mad, but we were all having a laugh soon haha.
Anyway, I get to the hospital and am quickly diagnosed, they decide that I need to get an X-Ray first. So I end up waited, for AGES. Finally I get my X-Ray, while joking with the technician about how stupid this whole situation I got myself in was, my lightheadedness was wearing off... which may not have been a good thing later. He finishes and starts looking it over.
"It's a shell!"
In the back of my mind I had entertained the idea that one of those spirally fuckers had been the cause, but surely... it had not felt quite that large. I can't control myself at this point, it's too ridiculous, I hobble my way over there to have a look while laughing my ass off. The technician tells me that in all his years he'd seen many things (including more objects up peoples asses than he'd like to count...) but never, ever, had he seen a sea shell inside a guys foot. He even saved it to a special folder!
Here's the X-Ray by the way: http://i.imgur.com/KUWqBD4.png http://i.imgur.com/yDdmbOa.png
The most painful part of this whole ordeal was the local anesthetic I had to get injected in my foot, four needles in total because one was banging up against the shell. The doctor had me lay on my stomach, and after a small cut I felt him pull it out like a tooth. While waiting for the bleeding to stop a bit (holy shit, can you imagine if the life saving club had actually gotten it out? me just bleeding everywhere with a small hole in my foot!) some people came in to have a look at the shell, which he put in a nice little container for me to keep.
http://imgur.com/Q62Av4D
Something I cringe to remember, during the hours spent waiting to be treated, one thing bugged me. The god-damn lobby smelt so strongly of piss. Is this the hospital smell that people whine about? It wasn't until alter that I realized that it was my bathers, I'd never jumped in the water...
Overall I would give the walk a three out of five!
http://i.imgur.com/YveL7kI.jpg
SpiroCircle: Should have just whipped it out.
That_Deaf_Guy: How would that help him remove the shell from his foot..?
SpiroCircle: It wouldn't have helped him at all with the shell but it would make the pee smell go away!
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1397750925 | 1397903294 | t3_23a10l | t5_2to41 | 57 | 14fuckupthrowaway: TIFU tricked into social oblivion by my room mate
This wasn't actually today, but when I was 13. But I wanted to share anyway.
When I was 13, I attended a really prestigious private Boarding School in England, so I lived in my boarding house with other guys. And most of the girls were pretty salty bitches. But we'll get to that.
Anyway, one day one of the girls posts an album of her vacation to the south of France. Bikini shots, swimming shots, sunbathing shots. You name it. And my room mate shows me a trick to download entire albums from Facebook and save them to your iPod (yeah). So, being a socially awkward 13 year old, I do the same.
I have an album on my iPod of about 40 pictures of this girl on holiday, and I don't even bat an eyelid.
Anyway, 3 days later I'm in maths class, and this girl next to me (who I had a massive crush on) asks to use my iPod (as it was the touch, it had a calculator), to do some quick sums. 30 seconds later I just hear a massive shock gasp from her direction. I look over curiously, and just as I see her and her 2 friends looking at it, it hits me.
She stands up, throws it back to me and just shouts "Why the fuck do you have Emma's (fake name) holiday pictures saved on your iPod? Everyone in the class looks at me with disgust (rightfully so). I go so red, and just look down at my maths paper and continue working.
When the class ended, within about 20 seconds every girl in the entire school (around 400 girls) is giving me weird looks, along the long, 400 meter, narrow path back to our boarding houses from the quad. I get into my room, and my room mate comes in with his friends and just starts laughing at me about how stupid I was.
When I took his iPod to show his friends he did it too, they were gone. Good one guy. That still haunts me to this day.
DoubleJumps: How absurd is it in the first place that girls would freak out over people having access to publicly posted pictures?
If you don't want people looking at your pictures, don't post them on facebook so that everyone can see them.
Wasted_Prodigy: Still, you shouldn't download them to a personal device. Especially without that persons consent. Even then it's more than a bit creepy.
DoubleJumps: It's still creepy, but no one who uploads their pictures to a public space should have any real expectation that those pictures are in any way private. If you parade your personal life in the public you have to expect your personal life to be public.
xerdo: It's mainly an issue of social acceptability, right? Someone is ok with sharing details of their personal life with others, with the expectation that others will be able to see it and relate. As soon as that changes to obsession (which in this case downloading the images to an ipod is suggestive of), the person is liable to become upset or defensive against the obsessor for taking things too far.
In short, yes people do expect that information they post about their personal lives to be public. But people aren't really infallible with that expectation -- as soon as that turns into (from their perspective) a violation of personal security, they can naturally become defensive.
At least, that's my take on how this works.
Cougs67: I wouldn't say downloading photos like that makes you obsessive about someone. I'd say 99% of the time, those pics were downloaded because titties/ass and end up going to the fap collection. Obsession would be more like having a shrine in your closet to some person
xerdo: Whether or not the person who downloaded the pictures is obsessive doesn't really matter - perception from others is the important bit. In this case, op downloading the pictures for a relatively benign reason doesn't really factor into his perceived creepiness, just simply the fact that he had the pictures downloaded and his crush found out.
| 7 | 8.142857 | |
1397754397 | 1397776383 | t3_23a74q | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU: Complained about woman talk at work
Today, about 2 hours ago i complained that I did not need to hear two female employees talk in detail about feeling a baby go through the body during pregnancy and lactating, etc. Now all of the females in the office are bitter towards me and/or making stupid fucking comments. Damnit...
ssmade06: You only F'd up if your tone was dickish and not humorous IMO, regardless use that higher pay rate that we as men get and bring in doughnuts or some form of chocolates tomorrow as penance and claim happy early mothers day haha or simply apologize
Jigglerbutts: That good old higher pay rate..
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1397755264 | 1397841497 | t3_23a8o6 | t5_2to41 | 11 | upads: TIFU Erotic prank back fired(NSFW)
Reading all the "fire bird" fuck ups have gave rise to an idea. Instead of waiting for my boyfriend wipe spice on his little bro, how about I give him a taste of TIFU and post a record of his reaction?
I hid a few chilli under my palm when I was about to give him the b. I stuffed them into my mouth and attempt to take off his pants...
The fuck up? overestimated my capability to hold the chilli in my mouth. Nope. It's barely a few seconds and I had to jump up, open the fridge, and swallow the can of beer along with my tears of disgrace.
I will get him one day...
ChiefBigGay: Pretty sure I would drop kick my girlfriend if that happened. Purely out of reaction.
upads: My boyfriend is nice, he won't hit me :)
ChiefBigGay: I'm a fantastic boyfriend, my girlfriend intentionally puts hot sauce in my dickhole and I'll be an asshole in about 5 seconds.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1397759603 | 1398003866 | t3_23ag70 | t5_2to41 | 79 | emilyann1874: TIFU and destroyed my boyfriends MacBook
On my boyfriends birthday, my 10 day period had finally slowed down enough so that we would be able to have sex (thank god). We had both been out drinking and things started getting pretty hot and heavy.
My legs were hanging off the side of my bed and he was standing in front of me. Due to drunkenness I have no idea what I was doing but somehow I managed to kick a glass of wine and spill it all over my room, including on his MacBook.
We didn't think anything of it because it was hott and heavy...we just cleaned it up and moved on. However the next day when he went to do homework it never turned on.
Fuuuuuuuuck
Cproo12: It will NOT dry out. His laptop is done.
Same issue here. I spilled my Pina Colata on her Macbook, it first gets into the vent, which is at the same spot on all Macbooks. (well, not the 2013+ one)
The first part that gets fucked is your motherboard, then your battery, then your hard disk.
My mom went into a shop, had her hard drive replace, got a new battery, and got a new motherboard installed for $800
You should help him pay for it. Trust me, having this issue is the scariest thing ever. It also happened to me 2 years ago. Luckily I had an older computer (2006) so I just got a new one (2012) but still, I was REALLY frightened about my data and stuff.
[deleted]: 800$ for an HDD, mobo and a battery? What the fuck. I can build you a PC monster with just 600$. Poor mac owners paying 300$ for a simple part.
Cproo12: It was a 768Gb HDD, and she didn't want to give up her beloved 17" laptop.
Plus the installation fees.
[deleted]: I can get an 1TB HDD for 40$ and install it by myself on pc for free. Installing parts on a pc is like lego. Get a pc buddy.
Cproo12: I have a Personal Computer. I would rather Mac than Windows. Just a personal preference.
[deleted]: If you like mac then use them no problem with that but everytime you need to repair it your mom will get ripped of.
Cproo12: I can repair them myself now, but when I was 7 back then I could only take them apart.
I just like how sleek MacBooks are.
[deleted]: So the whole reason why you like and buy macs is because they are sleek? If you like sleek computers go ahead and buy a sleek pc. Have you seen the corsair 600T case how sleek and elegant it is with NZXT cable management? It's like porn but for computers.
Cproo12: I prefer OSX too.
With it's auto overclocking, like its UI, how you don't get viruses, or that annoying as fuck windows updater.
I have window computers but I only use them for gaming servers that I play clients on using my Mac.
[deleted]: Auto overclocking? It's on PC. Intel is doing a good job on this things.
UI? It's great on PC.
Malware? I like how you say macs don't get viruses. Do you even know what is a virus or more generally malware? Macs get infected with malware, get your facts straight.
Windows updater ignores you? Dissable it.
Bottom Line: Get a godamn PC.
Cproo12: > I prefer OSX.
Yes it is a preference. I dislike windows. If i need to run windows I can do it from my apple.
I have had Mac computers since I was six years old, and have NEVER gotten a virus.
Also PC = personal computers. I have a personal computer. Happy?
[deleted]: You mac users really fucking get me angry. You say that macs don't get infected with malware which is completely fucking false. Let me tell you something buddy. I have used windows since 6 and haven't got a virus too! Also everytime you shift the conversation saying how sleek macs are. By PC I mean a computer running windows, I'm really sorry if your little peasant brain can't understand what I'm saying. Also the thing that really gets me furious with you peasant-brained mac users is that you fucking paying a whole grand to repair some parts. Also you say that you dislike windows. What's the fucking reason?
Cproo12: Jeez, chill out bro. Just a personal preference!
Go along...
| 14 | 5.642857 | |
1397759278 | 1397976286 | t3_23afmg | t5_2to41 | 21 | NismoJase: TIFU by purchasing moustache wax online
And i can't even grow a moustache.
What is wrong with me?
Butt_Plug_Inspector: just think outside of the box. well-styled pubic hair just may be the next trend.
dralcax: Or perhaps in the box.
Butt_Plug_Inspector: heyoooo!
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1397695887 | 1398196248 | t3_238b08 | t5_2to41 | 32 | xkranda: TIFU by slicing an avocado
Full disclosure, this happened Sunday. So I'm a 36 year old woman, about to go out to see a Broadway show with my mom and sisters. Just before it's time to leave, I start preparing lunch for the rest of the family - simple - salad with avocado. I love me some avocado goodness. So I break out a knife and get to work. Avocado sliced in half, seed out, all's well. Time to slice up that delicious goodness and spoon it out on to plates. Until, that is, the damned knife goes through the avocado skin and through my finger.
An ambulance ride, emergency room visit, and hand specialist visit ensues. I've cut through two tendons and a nerve. Needless to say I missed the show. Having surgery Friday.
tl;dr: mistook my hand for an avocado. have to have surgery. tifu.
MrFantastik: What Show did you miss
xkranda: Kinky Boots. Real bummer.
KoreaNinjaBJJ: Forget about the show. What knife were you using?
xkranda: Stupid cutco knife. I'm used to a big chef's knife so this was a shock.
Sibire: "Cutco: they're that sharp!"
| 6 | 5.333333 | |
1397750319 | 1397785617 | t3_23a01l | t5_2to41 | 98 | ittastedbad: TIFU by deciding to try using a pee bottle.
Hello.
So I've read stories on reddit before about people using pee bottles. Usually when someone is too lazy to get up and pee, they just use a bottle and do it at their desk/chair.
Last night i had had a few cocktails and was feeling a bit lazy. I reached down for the first time in my life and peed into a bottle and thought nothing of it. It filled up to the brim.
Later that night i decided there was too much trash on the floor so i cleaned up and tied up the bag.
So this morning comes and i wake up groggy. I got ready for work and took large drinks from a gallon of water i had. This got me thinking about filling a container to bring to work for myself to drink. I looked around and found an Aquifina bottle that happened to be filled. (I had purchased a 24 pack last week). I remember thinking "Sweet, free water bottle". I had thought that i just happened to miss that bottle when i finished the pack.
I bring the trash out with my bottle at hand, get in the car, get to work. Now i work on a high floor at the office, so i hopped onto the elevator. As i was going up i opened the bottle for a sip. Poured a little in my mouth, swallowed. That's when i realized it tasted funky. I look down at the bottle, it's slightly less translucent than water. Thoughts immediately rush into my mind about the night before. I felt sick to my stomach.
TL;DR, drunk my own pee.
Hbeeman: What did it taste like?
(Btw sorry you had to go through that)
ittastedbad: I can't remember it, other than bad. I just felt like i wanted to throw up every time i thought of it.
Hbeeman: I would never be able to drink anything that resembles pee if I were you. Like apple juice or lemonade. :(
ittastedbad: Try it hungover and within 2 seconds of thinking about it. Also, i had been drinking my vodka with soda, adding to the "clearishness" of it.
Hbeeman: So was it less potent or more potent?
| 6 | 16.333333 | |
1397765009 | 1397830404 | t3_23apc9 | t5_2to41 | 3,489 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to masturbate discreetly. (x-post from r/cringe)
So yesterday, I got home from class and found my roommate entertaining some of her friends in the living room. My roommate is a really sweet/innocent girl. She blushes and says "oh my" if I make any crude jokes about sex.
Anyways, I get home and I'm tired and really horny. I make some small talk with my roomie and her friends in the living room and I go upstairs to my bedroom to, um, take care of business (cuz boyfriend was working late and I'm impatient).
So I do the usual and I plop on the bed, open my laptop and plug in my headphones. I then proceed to look up some of the weird shit that my depraved self likes to get off to. That night it happened to be threesomes.
Well, I pick a video that looks good and unbutton my pants. I click play and notice that the sound isn't working. I'm confused and figured it was just the video, so I go to find another one. That one isn't working either. Now I'm thinking my headphones aren't working. So I unplug them and still no sound. Then my eyes dart to the corner of the screen, and holy fuck, I notice the bluetooth icon is on.
Basically, my sweet caring boyfriend had brought bluetooth speakers over from his house this past weekend and paired it up with my laptop for a party I was throwing. Those speakers were currently in my living room blasting the screams of two girls getting pounded.
As soon as I realized, I felt my stomach drop and immediately shut my laptop. I put my ear to the vent and heard silence in the living room followed by nervous giggling.
I still haven't faced my roommate. I stayed holed up in my room the entire night cringing and cursing myself for being such a fucking idiot. I just got a text from her saying she was going home for Easter. Thank fucking god. I should apologize but I have no idea what the fuck I should say.
TL;DR: Inadvertently blasted porn through my blue tooth speakers while the roomie was entertaining guests.
EDIT: The only thing I've done to remedy the situation is to move the speakers to my room because I know my stupid self has a good chance of repeating the same mistake. [Here is a picture](http://imgur.com/hdlC5hX) of the stupid speaker (next to the vent I was crouched over last night as I realized my dignity was slowly slipping away from me). I hate that the speakers are so good though. I've been blasting Jay-Z to distract me from my thoughts and fuck me if the sound isn't amazing.
true_underdog: oh my
vgalosky: *blush*
phantomganonftw: blushing intensifies
maraudersmap: stop pls
TheSecondLaw: gooby pls
Soveryexcited: dolan pls
jaytheillest: www.amandaplease.com
rodinj: That's a long time ago.
stickflip: I've given up that life a long time ago.
| 10 | 348.9 | |
1397754510 | 1397819376 | t3_23a7c5 | t5_2to41 | 37 | [deleted]: TIFU by vandalism my building. Worst part is I did it suddenly and in such a way that the building manager knows it was me.
I was walking by this inside stairwell area and the building is no-smoking. Somebody had just been smoking there recently - I smell it a lot on the cold days because whoever it is, is too fucking cold to go outside and smoke. So for some reason this time I impulsivly carved 'no smoking' into the wall. And then I added 'ASS.' I kinda couldn't believe I had just done that, and there was no way to undo it. In retospect I could've punched the wall there and left a hole instead of the writing, that would've actually helped, because:
Later I realized that I've previously told the manager a story about how I used to get so irritated at my apartment neighbor in another city because she'd smoke on our shared fire escape and my room would fill with smoke (she wasn't supposed to be out there at all).
Edit, I should add that the head office and previous managers have been very very bad, and I'm sure thats where my frustration came from - a bit of fuck this building, I've had enough, I'll write this -- but this new person hasn't done anything to deserve my frustration as with the head bosses who are not good people.
~~It was~~ I only carved it into a small area of drywall, which would take the maintenece crew here about 10 minutes to repair, or less if they just spackle it and repaint.
But I'd like to snail mail the manager a few apologetic lines that are really ambiguous - 'sorry I fucked up' could also be from any ol ex-girlfriend/boyfriend but they'd know... I actually feel really guilty about it and suddenly couldn't sleep last night even though I did this like like a week ago - anxiety.
btw I know the manager knows its me because my emails are suddenly going unreturned... The only answer is to move out and quickly and hope the manager doesn't torpedo me when other landlords call to ask about me.
klaq: no! dont confess! deny deny deny! they cant prove anything. besides, is it really that much worse than smoking inside? they could get in trouble with the state for letting people smoke inside and not doing anything about it.
[deleted]: I wouldn't confess with my name! I'm thinking more along the lines of anonymous apology to the current manager that wouldn't mention the episode or me directly but would pretty much be obviously about it.
I'd actually confess as me if that didn't give them the legal right to tell a future landlord that I did it. Right now they probably couldn't legally say or hint at such a thing, and I'm going to move.
That_Deaf_Guy: DONT'T MENTION IT, FOOL!
| 4 | 9.25 | |
1397767201 | 1397819528 | t3_23at52 | t5_2to41 | 15 | Peanutbuttersodemy: TIFU By locking my keys in my car
My first TIFU please forgive any mistakes.
So I have a 2013 dodge challenger with keyless entry remote start all the good stuff well it is supposed to be impossible to lock your keys in as the car can sense the keys and prevent it from locking. Well my girlfriend somehow manages to leave them in and it locks did I mention I am in the middle of nowhere. Now i am trying to prevent myself from getting to pissed off at the fact that I may have to spend 100 dollars on a locksmith and wait god knows how long so before i try them we decide to try and use a coathanger. It was like trying to break into fort knox after an hour I cave and sit down debating on a rock through the window when a guy who I have never met offers to help I think why not and with what seems like magic no less than 2 minutes he unlocks my door with the coathanger and leaves. Thankful for this man with questionable skills i get in my car and leave.
TL;DR girlfriend locked keys in car man with questionable talent saves the day.
k1ll3rpanda: This is why I keep my spare in my wallet...
That_Deaf_Guy: I'm guessing you also keep your driver's license in your wallet? Hypothetically, say you get robbed and lose your wallet, wouldn't the thief find your key and license, put 2 and 2 together and take your car, too?
| 3 | 5 | |
1397769557 | 1397836412 | t3_23ax69 | t5_2to41 | 6 | negralence: TIFU by getting caught
so my dad is a hardcore Mormon, and while I am Mormon I don't dwell in it as deeply.
I was out with my girlfriend who had a pretty crappy day. we took a walk in the park and such (me trying to make her feel better the goods you know). well it quickly evolved to us making out in my car windows cracked cause it was sort of hot in there. we are a good 5 minutes in when I hear a knock on my window. and I turn to see my dad yelling at me to get home as quick as I can and how he cant believe I'm doing this.
well this isn't the furthest I have gone but that my dad knows yes that is the furthest.
sorry for the grammar I suck at writing
[deleted]: Today you fucked up by being Mormon.
negralence: How did i screw up?
| 3 | 2 | |
1397768857 | 1397848091 | t3_23avzq | t5_2to41 | 47 | [deleted]: TIFU By being both Mr Hands and Dr. Slippy Fists.
http://i.imgur.com/rfprfa8.png
Yeah... I did this.
I've been in contact with not only this woman from HR at a company i really really want to work at and other job prospects for a while with my name as Mr Hands, and my G+ profile as Dr Slippy Fists.
I got sick of google's shit everytime i wanted to view / use anything they wanted my real name on everything so i figured this would be a funny thing to put.
I didn't realize that it would then go on every email i sent.
I kind of want to shoot my self in the face right now. I'm praying to every deity known to man that this lady doesn't google
[Mr Hands](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kenneth_Pinyan)
TL;DR it's a guy who got anally raped by a horse to death.
If you follow my username on my gmail account it goes back to the google plus account Dr. Slippy Fists with a picture of Tub Girl as my profile picture.
Jesus fuck, kill me now.
I've since deleted all the names and accounts associated with it, but google says it can take a few days.
I hope this lady doesn't dig too far in before google does it's magic or else i might suck start a shotgun.
TL;DR I'm coming off as a sexually depraved psychopath to potential employers.
spring_azure: I mean...technically the horse didn't RAPE him. It was consensual. Just stupid.
ghathawayjunior: Technically he raped the horse as you can't be consensual with an animal.
codymann88: Is that true?
courtoftheair: Yes.
| 5 | 9.4 | |
1397777204 | 1397785836 | t3_23b98w | t5_2to41 | 30 | sk8terisbored: Tifu by having sex with by girlfriend
Today I done fucked up.
So to start I'll give some quick background. I'm 20, I live with my parents, and my girlfriend is 16. Before I go further I'll point out that where I live this is not illegal due to the fact that she is exactly 3 years and 8 months younger. However, my mother does not approve of our relationship (not that she gets a say in it anyway).
The story: so my parents went to a funeral for today for my stepdad's father. I couldn't attend because I had class. The funeral was supposed to start at 2pm and I got out of class at 4. I figured the house would be empty until at least 7:30. After class I picked my girlfriend up, brought her to my place, and we went at it. We decided to order some pizza after so while we waited for that we turned on Netflix. We were still naked in bed just cuddling. We started to goof off and tickle each other. The next thing we know a box hits her in the face and my mom is standing in the doorway. Stunned we both laid there in bed as she blew her top. We waited until the pizza to there to leave but now I think its time to move out.
spring_azure: You didn't fuck up by having sex with your girlfriend (don't care about the age difference, my own parents were 16 and 21 when they met but my mother was really mature/graduated high school early), you fucked up by bringing your girlfriend that your mother doesn't approve of back to *her* house and got caught having sex with her while your parents were at a funeral for your step-grandfather. It's more of a 'they were already having a shitty time and you were kinda insensitive' thing.
Moving out doesn't seem like a bad idea if you're going to continue this relationship and want to be able to do so without stepping on any toes. I hate to say it but it's kinda a dick move to bring her around and be all 'fuck the police' to your mother whether her disapproval is right or not. It *is* her and your stepdad's house and I assume you aren't paying rent.
Glenn_Tennis: This. This is So well said that I think this thread is over. What else can possibly be said?
| 3 | 10 | |
1397786498 | 1397822347 | t3_23bn49 | t5_2to41 | 40 | [deleted]: TIFU by delivering food, like 20 mins late.
my coworker and i are in a lot of shit..
long story short, not sure if coworker and i will have a job on monday :(
story too long and complicated to explain.. but here we go..
it was for over 30 people, had to travel by foot, didnt know our way, co-worker who had gps fucked off, leaving me standing outside with pizzas getting cold, one of the bowls with the food dropped while walking there, had to find place on my own, got there on time (with the help of asking a bunch of people for directions), but didnt have number to call them down, left my phone at our store.
by the time i got back, checked my phone, boss called me numerous amounts of time. probably thought i ignored him or something.
he did not sound happy, at all.
tl;dr coworker fucked off, pizzas getting cold, bowl of food broken, no phone, 20 minutes late, boss mad, customers mad, may not have job by monday :(
i_seen: Dude, just explain to your boss that your co-worker is a fuckwit and skipped out on his responsibilities while at work.
KittehTroll: And basically get your friend fired while you keep your job.
That_Deaf_Guy: Every man for himself. He's a co-worker not a friend. Should have been there when OP needed him, it's pretty much his fault.
KittehTroll: Sorry, it was mix-up
That_Deaf_Guy: No problem!
| 6 | 6.666667 | |
1397783341 | 1397826263 | t3_23biik | t5_2to41 | 102 | SingerBaby: TIFU mildly by sending an Instant Message to my boss.
Yup. This is one we've all heard before -- and one I'm sure many of us have done before. I can now add my name to that list. I need to share my embarrassment.
I've been working for my company for about 9 months. I am a recent graduate with a degree in something that doesn't apply to my job whatsoever, but it's still something. I'm in an entry-level position, nestled by coworkers who barely have their GEDs (nothing wrong with that, just wanting to illustrate how entry-level my job is) and needless to say I'm getting kind of eager to earn some more money, get on track with the company, and move on up.
So I met with my supervisor and talked about taking on more responsibilities and earning a bit more cash. That conversation went very well, and she agreed that I've been improving at an accelerated pace and deserve a bit more.
A week after that meeting (AKA, today), she Instant Messaged me to come over to her cubicle. She informed me that my raise has been approved. Since I've only been there for 9 months, the most they could do for the time being was 5%. Not much, but I was still thrilled she took the time to pull something together for management to approve my raise. I thanked her kindly, and walked back to my desk.
My coworker heard the interaction as her cubicle is literally right next to my supervisor's (it's also important to mention that this coworker is leaving our department in about a week). As I was walking past, she makes a gesture saying "Go you!," clapping quietly, etc.
I get back to my desk and send an Instant Message to said coworker:
-LMAO
-I went from $__.__ to $__.__!
Then my face went numb and my heart stopped. I still had my IM open from when my *supervisor* asked me to come to her desk. I quickly type:
-Oops! I'm sorry I meant to send that to XXXXX. She heard the conversation we were having.
I then hear my supervisor laugh. She gets up, walks right to my manager's office, and shuts the door. When she gets out of that little meeting, she sends me this:
-Yikes, normally that's not something you'd want to bring up with a coworker, as that can be bad for moral. You seem disappointed in that amount of a raise. I know it's not much, but it does add up over time. Just be patient.
I told her that I was not disappointed at all, not in the slightest, I was just laughing at something the coworker said. I also said that I was very grateful she had taken the time to get the raise approved for me.
Then the clock hit 4:30 and it was time for everyone to leave. I quickly signed off and headed out the door with the rest of my coworkers, head hanging in shame and embarrassment.
I keep thinking I should send her an email formally apologizing for my unprofessionalism and noting that had my coworker not been leaving departments in one week, I would never have brought it up to her as I know that it would otherwise cause tension. Another part of me thinks I should just leave it and call it a fuck up to learn from.
**TL;DR -- Supervisor tells me I got a raise, I then quickly head back to my desk and IM her, scoffing at the amount of a raise I got.**
Oatmeal_Addict: Honestly I'd leave it at that, you cleared up the situation well enough that any more may not be the best idea (don't want to add anymore attention to it).
SingerBaby: Yeah, now that a few hours have passed, I realize that bringing it up again just makes it more uncomfortable. Thanks for your feedback! I'm sure she has forgotten about it by now.
felixg3: This is something what happens in offices all over the world, every day. Your supervisor probably won't even remember!
SingerBaby: I hope you are right! Thanks for the reassurance.
| 5 | 20.4 | |
1397793310 | 1397840543 | t3_23bwh6 | t5_2to41 | 39 | the_slacker99: TIFU by pissing myself in front of my friend
This all happened last July.
I was at a college campus for a conference. We were staying in the dorms with all different girls we didn't know that well. So its one of our last days there (it was a week long event) and by then, we established our morning bathroom schedule. There was 5 of us, including me, to one bathroom. Now, I'm not sure about you guys but when I get up in the morning I have to pee immediately and of course this day in particular I woke up at the same time another one of the girls got in the shower. After about 10 minutes I really start to panic. All the dorm bathrooms are full and I have nowhere to go. To distract myself I head to my good friend's room and try to talk to her but I couldn't even focus and I knew that I would piss in her doorway if I continued to stand there. I ran back to my room without any notice to my friend and the minute after I make it back to my room I start peeing eveywhere, with my friend (who's room I just left) standing there. I end up slamming the door in her face mid pee. Neither of us has ever mentioned it.
**TL;DR** woke up, had to pee; all dorm bathrooms taken, so I end up peeing in the doorway of my room with my friend in front of me
**edit** added a TL;DR
rwfforever: Wow how bad did you have to go?! Haha it wasn't obvious while you were talking to your friend?
the_slacker99: Like 1-10 it went from a 4 to a 10 in minutes. I tried to "act casual" but that didn't work
rwfforever: Why didn't it work? So you just completely peed your pants in your room? You couldn't knock on the bathroom door and ask her to shower quicker?
the_slacker99: Yes, I knocked. Yes, I completely peed my pants. I don't know why it didn't work
rwfforever: Haha what'd she say when you knocked?
the_slacker99: She'd be out in a minute
That_Deaf_Guy: Where will ***you*** be when piss strikes?
Anoneemus3: Hopefully on the toilet...
| 9 | 4.333333 | |
1397794773 | 1397796146 | t3_23byd9 | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: Tifu and took the addresses of thousands of redditors making them think I'm a terrorist pyscho
So a long time ago I was dating a guy from OkCupid and we he told me he had won a lifetime supply of reese's peanut butter cups. I told him I'd never eaten a peanut butter cup and he got so excited he put my address down to get the lifetime supply!
So the first box arrives and I try one and it is the most awful thing I have eaten in all my life. A thin layer of cheap chocolate around a nasty grainy penut butter.
So that's when I think, "hmm I think reddit likes these."
So I made a post offering to send them if anyone sends a pm. I figured I would need to get an address but obviously they would wait until I ask to be safe right, right?
BAD FUCKING IDEA
I thought that I would get a few pm's asking for them but no one else would care but that's not what happened. My post went +4000 and I was getting 25 pm's a minute.
Now that's not too bad a problem but here's the thing PEOPLE WERE INCLUDING THEIR ADDRESSES WITHOUT CHECKING IF I WOULD SEND THEM FIRST.
Now here's the thing I have a personality disorder and most people here know that so everyone in the comments starting flaming me about how I'm a pyscho and I'm stealing everyone's addresses to kill them.
TL;DR
**Tried to give away free candy. Got spammed with addresses and looked like a freak**
CottonBalls26: Hi girls. I have boxes of stuff that girls like. PM me your ti...I mean, address and I'll send it to you.
[deleted]: Oh he's joking.
*closes pm*
CottonBalls26: Aww....
*zips pants*
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1397797689 | 1397808354 | t3_23c1zi | t5_2to41 | 38 | doyouknowwatiamsayin: TIFU by trying to steal liquor from my friend's boss during the company Christmas party...and I got caught.
Obviously this story didn't happen today, as it occurred during Christmas. My roommate (we'll call her Rachel) and a good friend (Belinda) were working for a professional food lab. They made good money and were happy overall with their jobs...except they hated their boss. She (the boss) was a woman in her mid-forties, a born-again Christian, had a shiny grill of 6th grade braces, and was scary as shit.
As it turned out, Belinda's boyfriend was out of town at the time, so she asked me to come to the Christmas party as her date. Her boyfriend and I had been friends for years, so there wasn't any romantic posturing happening.
After driving a couple hours into the woods we got to a big house, banked by a river where the party was happening. Rachel and her date, along with Belinda and I, went in and made our way directly to the bar. It was fully loaded and unattended.
A couple hours into the party after we were all properly lubricated, Belinda starts murmuring about how easy it would be to snag a bottle from the bar, wrap it up in a sweatshirt and take home. "So why don't you do that?" she asked.
I definitely didn't want to at first, but the potential ease of the theft (as well as the sway of drinks) convinced me that it was doable, in fact necessary. I rationalized that the host was essentially evil, and she would never notice that this bottle was missing from her bar...so why not, right?
I wrapped the bottle up in my sweater and followed Belinda down the hard-wood stairs. When we got to the landing I swear to god her spooky boss rose from the floorboards and said "Hey!! There's chicken ready!!" in the most aggressive way possible.
I shivered with the guilt and culpability of what I was hiding in my sweater and thought, "I better get a better grip on this bottle," only to loosen my grasp and let the damn bottle fall to the floor with a thud.
The spooky boss quickly turned her head to me and sneered, "You tryin' to make off with a bottle of my Jack!?"
I was so flustered at the moment that my response was, "It fell out."
After this it was a blur. I was quickly shuffled out of the party and sequestered to a bench near the river. It was at this bench where I shrunk in shame and listened to the ranting of her 30 year-old son yelling at me, "You fucking thief faggot! I'll kick your ass!!"
In the end my friends convinced their boss that I was a recovering alcoholic that had a moment of weakness. We drove home and worried about the repercussions. They kept their jobs, I swallowed my shame, and I hope I never run into the spooky old boss again.
leetdood: Honest question: why do you think it's okay to steal shit from a person just because you don't like them on a personal level?
felixg3: Because he was buzzed?
leetdood: I don't know about you but I don't turn into a klepto after a few drinks.
felixg3: I am drunk cleptomanic and I'm not proud of if
leetdood: Fair enough, mate.
| 6 | 6.333333 | |
1397795929 | 1397853004 | t3_23bzvo | t5_2to41 | 73 | [deleted]: TIFU by shitting my pants.
My boyfriend's car was in the shop for a few weeks so I had to take him to work every morning around 7, then I had to get myself to class at 9. We don't go out much but we happened to get randomly trashed one night, both with awful hangovers the next morning. As we left our place the next morning, with the dog (he looooves car rides), I could tell I was going to have the beer-shits at some point but I felt I had time. I drop him off smoothly at the hospital and I'm heading back to our place. We live downtown in a metropolitan area so traffic is semi-heavy around this time. All of a sudden, it's coming. I have never felt the need to shit more than I did in this moment. I'm speeding, weaving in and out of traffic, hitting every fucking red light. I knew I wasn't going to make it back in time so I pulled over to the next business, literally 2 blocks from my place, and I shit my pants. Beer-shit my pants. I ended up pulling into a bank, just as everyone was parking and walking into work. Thankfully, I had tinted windows. And then I had to deal with my dog trying to eat the shit that was in my seat. I've never been more disgusted in myself.
TL;DR Hung-over driving in traffic, had to shit immediately. Shit in a bank parking lot. Dog tries to eat said shit.
That_Deaf_Guy: I bet your dog gave you a shit eating grin after...
[deleted]: poor mans gold for that *
That_Deaf_Guy: A gold star would suffice!
THATONEGUY0682: ⭐️
littlebigguy16: but... thats a square
THATONEGUY0682: We got ourselves here a 'non-mobile' user!🔴🔵🔴🔵🔴🔵🔴🔵🔴🔵🔴🔵
| 7 | 10.428571 | |
1397746331 | 1397836402 | t3_239tii | t5_2to41 | 9 | throwawaytrumpethump: TIFU by vomiting
I'm a recovering bulimic and today after a month without vomiting I threw up so hard that I knocked my phone into the boke and spilled it over the carpet trying to catch it :(
MerryJobler: Congrats on making it a month, but sorry about your phone. I'm actually not sure what happened to it but it sounds bad.
throwawaytrumpethump: Well I'm usually watching something on the phone while its propped up and I'm sick into a bucket...so knocked the phone down with my head, tried to catch it then dropped the bucket, spilled the boke and then plop goes the phone lol
pipe1monkey1pen: Whats a boke
throwawaytrumpethump: Vomit lol
pipe1monkey1pen: Oh......That's painfully obvious now. Sorry
| 6 | 1.5 | |
1397803205 | 1397951642 | t3_23c7hu | t5_2to41 | 31 | Tenchi98: TIFU by trying to take down a Football player (ONE YEAR UPDATE)
So it has almost been exactly twelve months since I broke my collarbone. Tomorrow will be the day I broke it, around 9:00AM - 9:45AM Pacific time. I posted in tifu one year ago, http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1ctrdx/tifu_by_trying_to_take_down_a_football_player/.
The bone has almost healed I think (Sorry no pics). It hasnt quite connected to my shoulder yet and there is still this unshakable stiffness in my right arm. When I stand straight and I level out my shoulders, I look in the mirror and realize that they arent level at all. My right shoulder slumps forward to the point where it is visibly lower than my left.
I passed those finals with fine colors, even though no one could read the essay portion, I bubbled in those bubbles real swell.
Cross country practice went surprisingly well. Pushups got real tough and sometimes on very long runs I could feel my shoulder dragging me down like a piece of dead meat.
Nowadays though it is back to normal! Although I have not played football since, I can play tennis without hurting myself. Although it still feels a little tingly when people touch it I think it is fine now. I do kinda miss that vicodin they had me on though :P
tldr: I learned from my tifu and I will never play football again. And I also wont be stupid
upads: How about a nice game of chess?
Tenchi98: Chess and Super Smash Bros. Melee are my specialties.
upads: Um...I'm not sure if I get the reference about the second half...
TheGreatChrisRock: it's a video game m80
Sibire: >It's a video game m80
Not sure if typo, speaking like a pirate or responding to a sentient charge of dynamite.
TheGreatChrisRock: Pirate
| 7 | 4.428571 | |
1397802831 | 1397833934 | t3_23c764 | t5_2to41 | 59 | uzk: TIFU by using aloe vera soap
...on my dick.
So I'm getting ready to sleep and I decide hey, why not take a quick fap before I hit the sack. I ran out of lube so I grabbed some soap from the bathroom and started to use it. Within about 30 seconds my dingus suddenly becomes the surface of the sun, and, a tiny bit curious as to why it felt like someone poured molten chili powder all over my poor batmobile, I checked the back of the dispenser—lo and behold, aloe is one of the main ingredients. Now's a good time to mention that I'm *fucking allergic to aloe vera* and now I'm just sitting here trying to soothe the horrible terrible very bad pain before I go to bed
**tl;dr my dick had an incredibly painful allergic reaction to hand soap and now I'm contemplating chloroforming myself**
helix_5001: You are allergic to Aloe and the people you live with know this and stock the stuff in a common area like some sorta chemical landmine for you to step on?
That's like putting peanuts in a dinner meal and knowingly serving it to someone allergic to them! "Well you should have checked the meal before eating it.."
uzk: honestly, i don't think anyone knows. i've not had a reaction in years. i should probably tell them now though.
jmcs: "hey you know your aloe vera hand soap... yeah don't buy it anymore because i put some on my dick and it almost fell off".
| 4 | 14.75 | |
1397817879 | 1397873600 | t3_23ci0y | t5_2to41 | 52 | youarenothing: TIFU by spilling my guts about being miserable and depressed to someone who didn't really need to hear it
I have a friend, who is a girl -- it's worth mentioning because she's practically my only female friend (and I generally don't have a lot of friends to begin with), and it just so happens I'm a little bit in love with her, but I'm not sure if I actually *love* her, or if it's that thing that happens to me (and lots of other people) where you fall in love with a girl simply because she gives you the time of day. I don't think she has any inkling of romantic feelings for me, though, and I kinda like that we're just friends. She's someone I can talk to about all kinds of stuff, and because she's a girl, it's somehow easier to open up to her about more "personal" stuff, but I usually try not to get into anything too deep so I don't freak her out and make her not want to hang out with me anymore (barely anyone else does!) -- I really cherish the friendship.
Anyway, I'm often a bit depressed and I've never sought help or any kind of counselling for it, but I often feel really weak and vulnerable. Thoughts of suicide occasionally pop into my head, but it's not something I think I'd ever actually do.
Today, I was talking to this girl who I'm "in love" with, someone I usually have lighthearted conversations with, someone I can laugh with and someone who I generally don't want to freak out by telling her about how unhappy and miserable I am. Today was just "one of those days" (I was feeling weak and vulnerable) and she asked me why I hadn't been in touch with her for a few weeks. I usually come up with some excuse, but today I just came right out and started talking about how depressed I've been feeling, and how messed up my life has been lately, and how I'm really unhappy and sometimes just don't feel like talking or being around people when I'm at my low points (which often last several days at a time) and I just totally let it all out. It felt cathartic and she's a patient listener, so she just sat there and listened.
After I'd let it all out, conversation between us became a bit strained (to say the least) because she didn't really know what to say and I immediately regretted telling her all that stuff because it's not like I can take any of it back, and I get the impression it must've changed the way she looks at me. She's not my therapist and I know I shouldn't have put that on her shoulders, and I deeply, deeply regret telling her about my depression, which has mostly just been a secret between me and my immediate family, who know I have "issues." The girl said she had to go and meet up with someone (I think she just wanted to get away from me) and I am worried that I may have lost one of my only friends today because of a moment of weakness. So yeah, today I fucked up and I'm not really sure how to proceed from here. Maybe I should just try to pretend the conversation never happened and hope she doesn't want to cut all ties with me. I know it might seem petty, but I feel really awful about the whole situation. I should've never said anything about it to her!
TL;DR -- I was talking to a girl I'm fond of today, and in a moment of weakness, I told her I'm depressed and really unhappy, and things have been really weird and uncomfortable between us because of this. Fuck my life. :(
[deleted]: Don't worry man, you're young. Just find something yo dedicate your time to and you won't feel so lonely. Your life might still suck for a couple years but it'll slowly get better. Find something you love to do, focus on that, and make yourself too busy that you can't feel depressed. This girl will be nothing to you in the future.if she really cared about you, you'd probably get a different response.
youarenothing: Thanks. She's a good friend and I certainly hope she *won't* be "nothing to me in the future" as you suggested, but I understand what you mean and I appreciate the insight. I think her reaction was mostly because I caught her off-guard and she didn't know what to say. I'll try to focus on other things so I don't overthink it so much.
[deleted]: I guess what I'm trying to say is that the more attention you pay to a woman, the more she might take you for granted. You might think that she makes you feel better but maybe she's one of the reasons you feel so bad. I don't know your situation personally, but as a 29 year old I would suggest you (somewhat) forget about her. It really hurts, I know. However, I think that you'd be better without her. That's just my opinion without really knowing your situation and I could be totally wrong. But in my experience, the less importance I've placed on a woman, the more she's placed on me. I think that she knows you kinda need her and that might scare her a little bit.
| 4 | 13 | |
1397833552 | 1398499088 | t3_23cyyw | t5_2to41 | 949 | R0WB04T: TIFU by leaving pony porn on my phone at work
This actually happened yesterday, but a fuck up nonetheless.
I work at a place that requires me to drive a route in the afternoon while I'm on-site during the morning. Throughout a normal day, when things are slow, I go on my phone to browse reddit. No big deal, everyone does it. Well my phone has a shitty ass battery so it doesn't take long before the battery drains. I don't like it when my phone dies because every time it does, I miss an important call or I'll want to look something up but can't. So I usually plug my phone in at my work place before I go on my route, that way it's all charged when I get back from driving.
Another thing I like to do at work (during break of course) is go to the bathroom and fap one out. I don't have a problem or anything, it's just that I have a roommate who is always home so I can almost never do it at home. Plus, they have private bathrooms at my job so it's not like someone can walk in and see my shoes in the stall facing the wrong way. Anyway, while I'm spanking the monkey, I usually look at porn on my phone to assist in the process. But here's the thing; I like my little pony porn. Yeah yeah, I'm a sick autistic fuck, I'm fucked in the head, I know I'm not on 4chan, whatever. I don't give a fuck because this is my throwaway account. But back to the story.
So yesterday was a day like any other. I went to the bathroom, pulled up /r/clopclop and started fapping away. I was cut short when one of my coworkers had to use the bathroom, so I pulled up my pants, put my phone in my pocket and left the bathroom. The day went on like normal; did all my shit, got ready for my route, plugged my phone in and left to drive. But half way through my route, I realized that I left my pony porn up on my phone. Shit. No screen lock, no security, nothing. Anyone could just walk up, swipe, and [boom](https://i.imgur.com/dJF6Xk3.png) NSFW. That would be staring them right in the face because I didn't close out of my reddit app. So when I got back, my phone was missing and in its place, a note. "Please come see me. -Sharon." I'll tell you with 100% certainty that I had the most embarrassing and uncomfortable conversation in the history of humankind. Keep in mind that I haven't worked at my job for that long so I'm not at all close with my boss. I ended up yelling at her for invading my privacy but I really didn't have any leverage. She told me she doesn't care what I do off the clock as long as it doesn't follow me to work.
Fuck it reddit, I didn't go in today so I think I need to start looking for a new job.
trixielexi: A few things-
Don't masturbate at work. For any reason. Under any circumstances. It doesn't matter if it's your break. Don't fucking masturbate at work.
Yes, you boss definitely should not have done that. It was your personal private property and you could have told her as such.
Finally, you are one of the reasons I can't stand bronies. I'm 100% all for men who break gender barriers (don't expect a cookie for it, women break gender barriers and get shit for it) but to take a cartoon geared specifically for little girls and then sexualize the shit out of ponies is fucked up and wrong no matter how you spin it. Watch the show. Don't get off on it.
[deleted]: > you are one of the reasons I can't stand bronies
Yup, hate an entire group of people because of an estimated 2%.
> Watch the show. Don't get off on it.
Dude, stop telling other people what to be aroused by. That's not cool.
trixielexi: 2%? I don't think so. Try more than that. It shouldn't be happening at all. And yes, because even if they don't get off on it, they often condone it, much like you're doing yourself.
Wow, telling people to not only stop sexualizing an animal, but to stop sexualizing and making unsafe a child's cartoon isn't cool? Guess, I'll stay uncool.
[deleted]: > 2%? I don't think so. Try more than that.
Source?
> Wow, telling people to not only stop sexualizing an animal
They're hardly animals.
> but to stop sexualizing and making unsafe a child's cartoon
It's a show for everyone, not exclusively children. Humans are largely sexual beings, sexualization is natural.
trixielexi: Sorry, burden of proof is on you. You were the one who initially came up with the 2% estimate. I don't have to source anything, except for the fact that there are over 11,000 subscribers to the pony porn subreddit OP mentioned.
They're ponies. Anthropomorphic, but still, ponies.
It is marketed toward children. The demographic is children. Humans can control their urges and thoughts, sexualization of something that is meant for children is not natural. Sorry.
edit;
[looking at bestiality isn't natural, but to a brony it is](http://www.reddit.com/r/mylittleandysonic1/comments/20ep0c/what_happened_to_rspaceclop/)
[inserting fictional ponies into a picture showing one of the greatest human tragedies isn't ok, but to a brony it is](http://i.imgur.com/yFRP8.jpg)
There's another instance that I won't link to because it has someone's personal info, but she discusses being harassed and abused by bronies drawing porn of her oc character despite her being only 13.
Wanting to fuck something that is essentially an animal and a child is not natural.
[deleted]: > I don't have to source anything, except for the fact that there are over 11,000 subscribers to the pony porn subreddit OP mentioned.
Right, out of the millions of bronies (over 8 million last figure I saw over a year ago). Sure, there are other internet communities focused around the same thing, but even then, it doesn't match up with your "more than 2%" figure.
> They're ponies. Anthropomorphic, but still, ponies.
The only thing not human about them is their body shape.
> looking at bestiality isn't natural, but to a brony it is
You're generalizing all bronies.
> inserting fictional ponies into a picture showing one of the greatest human tragedies isn't ok
It's a copy of an image. He's not changing the actual thing. He's just adding something to it digitally. How exactly is that not okay? He's not causing any harm.
> but to a brony it is
Generalization.
> she discusses being harassed and abused by bronies drawing porn of her oc character despite her being only 13.
Alright, I'll give you that. No argument here.
> that is essentially an animal
Nope.
> and a child
Sorry, they're not children. None of the mane six characters, are, anyway, including the characters visible in OP's picture. Source [here](http://i.imgur.com/aBy4qyy.png), among other things.
trixielexi: The fact that it is there and prevelant is not ok. Especially for the kids who go online and can see those pictures when they google their favorite pony.
THEY ARE PONIES. THEY ARE MADE TO BE A PONY. HENCE THE NAME, MY LITTLE PONY. The only thing I can understand is the Equestria Girls franchise, and even then that's still wrong.
He's causing harm by downplaying the holocaust. He's trying to romanticize it by placing a pony in there. That's wrong.
It is an animal, and actually, the ponies are rumored to be around 15-20. Still, wrong. Not to mention the fetishization of the school age ponies in the show. And sourcing 4chan? *really?* do you think you're going to be taken seriously sourcing them?
[deleted]: > the ponies are rumored to be around 15-20
I don't care about rumors, I care about hard evidence. And there's a lot of it indicating that the ponies are above the age of 18, minimum.
> Especially for the kids who go online and can see those pictures when they google their favorite pony.
SafeSearch exists for a reason.
> THEY ARE PONIES. THEY ARE MADE TO BE A PONY. HENCE THE NAME, MY LITTLE PONY.
Sure, but it's not like they're complete and total animals.
> mention the fetishization of the school age ponies in the show.
Sure, sure.
> And sourcing 4chan? really? do you think you're going to be taken seriously sourcing them?
First off, I wrote that post. Second, evidence should be taken by its merit, not merely by which website it was posted to. So, yes, I do think people are going to take it seriously, provided they are capable of taking it at face value. Of course, you're just going to ignore that, despite the fact that I've already proven the ponies to be over 18.
trixielexi: So now you're sourcing your own 4chan post? I could care less. I hate bronies and none of your idiotic rambling is going to prove otherwise.
[deleted]: Would you feel better if I typed that post out again and posted it right here? I don't know why I'd even do that, though, since you clearly can't take evidence at face value.
Also, nice job dismissing it all as idiotic rambling.
trixielexi: You're not sourcing anything but your stupid 4chan post, how the HELL is that a verified source. That's why it's all idiotic rambling.
You're a grown man who gets off on a little girl's cartoon about ponies, why would you think I wanted to hear about anything you had to say in the first place?
[deleted]: > how is that a verified resource
Because of math, logic, and evidence.
> You're a grown man who gets off on a little girl's cartoon about ponies
Whoah, quite the assumption there.
> why would you think I wanted to hear about anything you had to say in the first place?
I didn't, necessarily, but I said it anyway. It's rough.
trixielexi: If you’re “not all like that”, please call out the people in your particular group or movement who are just like that, rather than snapping at the people who do it for you.
[deleted]: I'm not sure what you're requesting here.
> your particular group or movement who are just like that
I'm not in a particular group or movement, other than being a brony.
trixielexi: I stated that I disliked bronies, you stated that it was only like 2% of bronies who did the things I disliked about them. If "not all bronies are like that" Then call out the people who are bronies who are just like that rather than snapping at the people who do it for you.
You are a brony, you are lumped in with the reasons I dislike bronies, and I stated why. Go tell off the ones who are giving you a bad name rather than telling off the people who are doing it for you.
Is that much more clear?
[deleted]: Why should I tell off those bronies? I don't mind the ones who sexualize it, and they don't affect me much, anyway. As for the bronies I do dislike, they don't really affect me, so I don't care about them. Third, I don't really care if I'm given a bad name by a few people on the internet, as they almost never affect me.
trixielexi: You don't mind the ones who sexualize it? Well then you're part of the problem.
| 18 | 52.722222 | |
1397837170 | 1397915270 | t3_23d4v1 | t5_2to41 | 119 | cclthrowaway: TIFU in another country
Background context: I am an Australian currently in Sweden for an exchange program organised through university
So this morning I was at uni (in Sweden) meeting up with a few mates for a group assignment. We decided to met up early so I got up at an ungodly hour that was far earlier than I usually woke up. Skipping breakfast and my usual morning activities, I headed to the library. In the middle of the discussion however, I began getting an urge to take my morning dump. Politely excusing myself I left to find the toilets (still new to this university).
Rounding the corner, I saw the signs for the bathrooms down the hall. Reaching the toilets I found myself stopped by construction tape around the doors of the male toilets. Looking around, I spied a similar-looking door. However, this one did not have a little man stuck to it. At this point, I was starting to get really uncomfortable. Saying fuck it, I opened it and went in.
As everyone else in the world, I know which toilet to enter by the signs on the door (male/female). On the off chance that they weren't there, the urinals would provide sufficient indication that I was in the right place. However, (through previous experience) the toilets in my Swedish university did not have urinals in the male bathrooms. Instead, their toilets could only be described as a small lobby-like room with rows of doors (note: not stalls) which when opened, revealed a private room with its own seated-toilet, sink and mirror.
Rationalising that the female toilets would have obviously had a sign on the door, I walked into the room thinking it was the disabled toilet. To check, I opened one of the doors and lo and behold, it was indeed a toilet with handicapped support bars around it. Feeling a little guilty I sat down to do my business. Throughout all this bustle however, I had forgotten to lock my door. Mid shit it flew open and I found myself staring into the wide eyes of a gorgeous blonde swede. Grabbing the handle I slammed it shut whilst simultaneously locking it. At this point rather than believe that I had walked into the wrong bathroom, I thought that maybe Swedish handicapped bathrooms were shared. This was despite hearing muffled giggles and conversations outside my door that were distinctively female sounding.
Finishing off, I flushed and washed my hands. Putting my jacket back on, I unlocked the stall and walked out. Straight into a line of girls who had all turned to look at me in unison. The room was silent as a grave as I pushed my way out of the toilet. As I made my way out I instinctively looked back . They were still staring at me as the door slowly closed shut. I might have to drop out of uni.
Tolstoi78: Don't feel too bad, you know any one of those ladies would have done the same if they had to crap as bad as you did. Any concert/sporting event I have been to has had women use the men's room to circumvent that horrible line to the ladies room.
TaranK: One time a girl pissed in my throwaway sandwich box at a festival... so that's a thing.
Eggnogg: And you *didn't* hold onto it as a keepsake from the festival? Shame, really.
TaranK: TIFU, by not keeping my sandwich box that a girl pissed in. xD
| 5 | 23.8 | |
1397837049 | 1397985790 | t3_23d4nz | t5_2to41 | 107 | curioussb: TIFU by farting
So my boyfriend is visiting me, and he's been staying at my parents house with me for a couple days now. And girls just don't fart in front of guys.
Now my boyfriend has been telling me for a while now that it's okay if I fart in front of him, because it's totally normal, blah blah blah. And I'm saying okay, thanks, you're the best while thinking there's no way in hell I'm going to do that in front of him. ever.
So we're laying on the couch and I'm bloated, can't sit still...I am past the point of uncomfortable, but I've made my mind up that I'm holding in this bad boy until I go to bed. We're just trying to watch tv, and all I can focus on is the gurgling and squeaking going on, wiggling around so that it doesn't have an opportunity to sneak out. But it hits the point where it's happening, **NOW.** My brain is screaming *"ABORT! ABORT! SHE'S ABOUT TO BLOW!!! RUN FOR IT!"* So I very calmly say "I'll be right back" and try not to sprint to the bathroom.
I'm standing there, staring at myself in the mirror, WILLING myself to make it as quiet as possible. *Just relax, keep it under control and everything will be just fine. He never has to know, just calm down* I let myself relax, and the noise is deafening. I could have popped an ear drum. It feels like the house is shaking, and I'm past the point of return. There's no going back from this one. I'm fully committed to what's happening. And I immediately know that this is bad. I'm still staring at myself in the mirror and instantly think *"maybe he'll be really nice and not mention it...because he must have heard that, or else he's deaf"* all while listening to see if he reacts at all. I don't hear anything, give myself a couple minutes to compose myself, and finally walk out of the bathroom, looking at him for his reaction.
I look at him, and he's got a poker face on staring at the TV, with just the slightest hint of a smirk. He slowly looks at me, and completely loses his shit. He can't breath from laughing so hard...and I immediately start laughing/sobbing because I'm so embarrassed. I sit down for a few minutes, and then stop laughing, switching into full out sobbing (which clues my boyfriend into the fact that I don't think it's as hilarious as he does, and he tries his damnedest to control his shit).
Now we are having a good belly laugh about it, but good god did I fuck up today.
dannodon: "And girls just don't fart in front of guys"
That comment is as stupid as "women should stay in the kitchen"
They fart, they should fart whenever they like/need to do it.
Blackbirdrx7: So men should disobey common sense and hygiene?
Yes, women fart as well. But you shouldn't be an uncultured swine and crop dust buildings just to prove that fact. Wtf.
courtoftheair: I don't think you know what hygiene means.
Blackbirdrx7: It's certainly hot hygenic to be farting around family members and friends, getting your shit particles all over everyone simply because you feel entitled. That is not clean.
But if you want to be like that, fine. It's not cultural not is it socially acceptable.
courtoftheair: Yeah you definitely don't understand how it works.
Blackbirdrx7: Then tell me how it works so I don't make mistakes in the future.
(Serious, not sarcasm)
courtoftheair: Well for a start, everything is very dirty. Teeming with bacteria. No, antibacterial stuff does not get rid of it and no, neither does showering and all of that sort of thing. It just moves them around. Most of them are fine, even beneficial to you.
It's not like you're spreading shit around on the surfaces though. The smell is gas and most of the 'shit particles' are trapped in your underwear anyway. Bacteria tend not to fly. You're covering them in worse every time you touch them or breathe near them, to be perfectly honest. Intestinal gases aren't nice to smell, but you're not smearing your shit on them. I don't like having people fart near me either, you're just being a bit over the top.
Hypothetically, what do you think would happen of your idea was true? Would everyone get sick because they smelled a fart?
Blackbirdrx7: Huh. Learn something new every day, I guess. So soap just moves things off of you rather than kills things? Interesting!
No, I didn't figure that people would be sick, but it really is disgusting to smell that, no matter who it comes from. Hold it in until you hit the washroom. Just because it's natural doesn't mean it's acceptable to let it rip whenever you feel the need to. That's all I was saying.
Thanks for the explanation, I appreciate it.
Crysis7793: Yes soap doesn't "kill" bacteria but rather sticks on to them via their hydrophobic(hates water) heads which forms spheres with bacteria or micelles. Then their hydrophilic(loves water) heads attracts water so the bacteria is essentially surrounded by water which then "moves" the bacteria away.
Blackbirdrx7: It's amazing how that works, and the fact that this isn't more common knowledge... Thanks for explaining. :)
| 11 | 9.727273 | |
1397836338 | 1398127664 | t3_23d3hr | t5_2to41 | 9 | fallingshoes: TIFU by forgetting to kill the spider
I was shaving this morning, looked up, and saw a spider. Meant to kill it once I was done, but forgot for about 15 minutes. Looked again and it was gone.
MillsTheGreat: How big was the spider?
fallingshoes: Bigger than Jesus.
MillsTheGreat: Are you from Austrialia? They have a lot of spiders.
fallingshoes: Nah, safest part of the US in terms of deadly alive things. But still, I could tell he was plotting *something*.
Sibire: What about deadly dead things? I could use a zombie or two as interns.
fallingshoes: Stephen King lives around here, so that's a distinct possibility.
| 7 | 1.285714 | |
1397801247 | 1397938610 | t3_23c5ph | t5_2to41 | 16 | pep48ito: TIFU By forgetting to wear my gloves
TIFU I work at a factory that makes Bellevilles, which are metal discs ranging from small to very large we store them in large barrels, so today I'm helping my boss move some bins in the machine room and he was on the Fork lift, trying to get a barrel on the forks and he says grab that barrel and pull on it so it will balance on there and I can lift it and me being an idiot grab the barrel without thinking and without gloves and pull as hard as I can sending the serrated edge of the barrel directly through the middle of my index finger. Now I don't normally bleed much however tonight after I cut my finger Immediately ran to the bathroom to wash the blood away with my boss behind me and its just pouring blood everywhere. I have never bled like that before so my boss trys his best to stop it and is only able to succeed by using an entire roll of gauze and taping it really tight so he can get me to the ER. Luckily it wasn't crowded and I got stiched up pretty quickly but now I can't use my left hand for at least 7 days.
TLDR: sliced open finger at work because I forgot to wear my gloves, ended up with stitches and not being allowed to use that hand for at least a week.
Edit: Fixed all some typos.
mangage: paid vacation
pep48ito: That's true
rampagsniper: As an EMT let your hand heal as much as possible. Basically don't use that hand. That's going to suck but it will heal far more quickly than if you keep disturbing the healing process by moving the injured portion of your hand. :( sorry about your hand, also why are the barrels serrated? just curious
pep48ito: I am off work for 7 days which is when i go back to the doctor so I am doing my best not to use it. The get these huge barrels that used to hold juice or oil or whatever they company used them for that we get them off of, and we have this machine that looks like a giant can opener like you would find in a kitchen but way bigger and they use it to cut the tops of the cans leaving it jagged and almost serrated like a knife on the edges.
rampagsniper: oh, that makes much more sense now. Thanks for clarifying, Happy Easter
| 6 | 2.666667 | |
1397838224 | 1398176606 | t3_23d6h4 | t5_2to41 | 45 | Vitenskapsmann: TIFU by dropping my iPhone into a stranger's piss and plunging my hands in after it
Okay, this didn't happen today, but the first anniversary of when it happened is fast approaching.
So I was in Paris with a bunch of my friends last year, and we decided to go to Disneyland for a day. The thing about Disneyland Paris is that you pay seperate tickets to get into different parks, so my first major fuckup of the day was when my friends bought tickets for one park and I bought the ticket for the sort of crappy park with a lot of kids' rides.
Anyway, after around 2 hours of walking around alone and bored out of my mind in the boiling sun I had a plan. I decided to text one of my friends to get him to pass me his ticket through the gate so I could get into the other park. I decided to start composing this text as I was standing in a toilet cubicle, ready to take a whizz. For some reason at that moment, my iPhone slipped from my hands before I finished the text and fell straight down, splashing into the toilet which was full of someone else's piss and clunking as it hit the bottom. I don't know what's wrong with me but I immediately crouched down and stuck my hands into the pissy water like [Renton in Trainspotting](http://juantadeo.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/trainspotting-mark-renton-toilet-seat.jpg), grabbed my iPhone and some paper towels and wiped it thoroughly.
It stopped working after that but I didn't throw it away, and I also lost communication with my friends after that. So I spent the next 3 hours sitting on a bench with a broken pissy phone in my bag in the boiling sun, waiting for my friends to come out to the car park.
hoosier_gal: Yuck!
I was running some errands on my lunch hour a week ago and put my iPhone in my back pocket and forgot about it. I had stopped by cvs on my lunch hour when I had to pee-like really bad. I've been drinking tons of water and I just couldn't put it off. I ran to the ladies room and hurriedly pulled my pants down and hear......plop.
I'm honestly a bit confused until I look around and see my iPhone at the bottom of the toilet! I grab it and wipe the water off and unbelievably it turned right on & still worked.
Now, I've gotten android phones wet before and the least little water renders them useless. I don't have a waterproof case on it, just a cute open faced coach case with nothing covering the front. Now, a week later my phone still works-I'm typing on it now! I still don't understand how I can completely submerge it and it works like nothing happened.
Vitenskapsmann: Was your phone off? It's more likely to not short circuit if it isn't powered on.
Either way, iPhones are generally pretty badass at surviving accidents that would render other phones dead. I was just unlucky :(.
| 3 | 15 | |
1397831804 | 1397845878 | t3_23cwcf | t5_2to41 | 28 | eaglesfan15: TIFU by accidentally making fun of people with missing limbs
The other day I was sitting with a bunch of people before our weekly meetings to plan events for our community. One event in particular that we had coming up was a petting zoo. I was exclaiming to my friend about how odd it was that we were able to plan such a large event with such a limited budget. We then began joking about potential reasons as to why the animals are so cheap. My friend joked that they could give us really shitty animals that no one would want to pick up or pet, whereas I loudly proclaimed "YEAH OR MAYBE THE ANIMALS ARE SO CHEAP BECAUSE THEY'RE MISSING LIMBS!!!"
Immediately after that comment I realized that not only was I extremely loud in proclaiming my logic, but that there was a girl without an arm literally ten feet from me. Without even having the balls to look at her, I quickly tried to change the subject, and I've avoided eye contact with her since. I promise I'm not an arm racist
TL;DR: Accidentally made fun of people with missing limbs right in front of a girl with missing limbs
PamShelan: Dont worry, your fuck up sounds pretty 'armless
donquixote6179: No arm no foul
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1397849146 | 1397887616 | t3_23doe9 | t5_2to41 | 534 | littlethrowaway778: TIFU By making my sisters new boyfriend think I'm into incest
So, this morning I felt like spanking the old meat. Like most mornings. I loaded up my laptop and fired up my favourite porn site and began loading up a few tabs worth of action. Now, this particular website has a lot of videos titled "Brother fucks sister" and in most cases they aren't related at all. Anyway, I loaded one of these videos up. My phone rang and I went to answer it putting the lid of my laptop down. By the time I got off the phone I had to head out.
Anyway, fast forward to this evening. My sister bought her boyfriend round to meet the family for the first time, and we decide to watch a movie. I grab my laptop and hook it up to the TV and flip up the lid. My horror as the screen from this morning comes on the 50" TV with the words "BROTHER GIVES SISTER A CREAMPIE" burning into my eyeballs. Cue my sister going nuts and storming into her room, followed by her boyfriend.
TL;DR loaded up some porn, forgot about it, hooked it upto big ass TV, everyone inc my sisters new boyfriend thinks I'm into incest. Still haven't fapped.
alpineliam: I am continually amazed that people can forget they have porn open on their computer... I mean, how?!
amplebooty: Because once you hit that orgasm, nothing else matters and it's lights out for cognitive functioning for about 10 minutes. Although this guy didn't shoot his load so I have no idea what his deal is.
Free_Blowjobs: Really? It's the opposite for me. The closer I get to orgasm, the more my cognitive faculties resort to a horny animal. But then, after, it's back to mental clarity.
amplebooty: For me i'm practically a retard
| 5 | 106.8 | |
1397851971 | 1400070850 | t3_23dt3n | t5_2to41 | 42 | southeast_boarder: TIFU by Using the Wrong Figure of Speech
Ok so this happened last summer and was probably the biggest foot in mouth moment of my life. It's kind of long so I apologize.
Background:
In the summers I worked as a lifeguard at my city's local pool and a few days out of the week some daycares/boys&girls club would come to our pool. I made friends with this kid who had a deformity in his arm that caused it to stay much smaller than his other arm (roughly half the size). He could use it, just not very well. We would throw football or a tennis ball around when I wasn't on stand or busy.
Story:
Ok so one day we finished throwing the football around before I had to go on stand. When I got on stand a woman came up to me and told me she thought it was very nice how I'm always playing with kids especially the boy with the deformity. We talk for a few about how he's a good kid and doesn't seem to let his arm bother him. This is when I say the most embarrassing thing I've ever said in my life. I say to her,
"He's got an arm and a half on him."
I immediately regret those words. I stop and stare at her and she has a mixture of disgust/shock on her face. I try to back track and say it's a figure of speech because he can throw a football pretty far and hard for his age. She just looks at me in silence and walks away. I spend the rest of the day knowing I was losing my job because of my foot in mouth moment.
At the end of the day the woman came up to me and said she knew what I meant and just wanted to mess with me a little bit. It was the most embarrassing moment of my life, and I've been a little more cautious of what I say from now on.
TL;DR I used a common phrase in my area "he's got an arm and a half" to describe the throwing ability of a kid who happened to have a a deformity in his arms.
kinda_alone: Good friend of mine only has one leg. He makes those jokes all the time. I guess it just depends on the person. Any idea how he would have taken it?
southeast_boarder: I doubt he would think anything about it. He's 7-9 years old and probably the nicest kid I've ever met. He probably would have laughed at my stupidity but said thanks for the compliment.
Sibire: I have a friend with no left arm from just below the elbow. Our typical joke: "Hurry up with that grenade launcher, I'm getting a new prosthesis soon!"
[deleted]: It always stumps them!
Sibire: His is more of a spike than a stump. He jabs people with it when they steal his arm, followed by retrieving said arm and smacking them upside the head with it.
| 6 | 7 | |
1397853881 | 1397945840 | t3_23dw8q | t5_2to41 | 35 | PoopShoeThrowaway: TIFU by shitting my pants in public
Since it's a nice day outside, I promised my son I'd go with him to a park about 3 min from our house after lunch. Which I did.
While he played on the playground, I just walked around the perimeter listening to a podcast on my MP3 player. After about 20 min, he started whining he was bored. I told him to either play or find some way of occupying himself or I'd find something for him to do which he wouldn't like.
Ten or fifteen minutes later, he came back to me again whining he was bored. I said, "OK good. Ok fine. Walk with me then." and I started walking in the direction of a school about 15 min away. The entire time we were walking, he was whining and throwing a fit, saying he was bored. He wanted to sit down. He wanted a drink. He was starving. He hated walking. His legs were getting a cramp and he was in SO MUCH PAAAAAAAAAAAAIN! I, being the saavy parent I am, knew he was just being a whiny brat, and kept walking. When we reached the school, I told him we would turn and go back to the house, about a 20 min walk.
As we're walking back, I feel my stomach start to cramp up. A few years ago, I had my gall bladder removed and ever since then my digestive system hasn't been quite right. Sometimes, right out of nowhere, I'll get cramps and if I don't go to the bathroom within about 5 min, I'll be in serious danger of shitting myself.
I start walking faster. I know that I have to get back to my house before I shit myself even though I know there's a decent chance I won't make it. The faster I walk, the more my digestive system insists on cramping up until I'm feeling extremely nauseated. I'm hoping I don't start throwing up right there on the sidewalk.
About five minutes from the house, I feel it happen. There is a massive feeling of just generally squishiness coming from my ass and a sudden stench that nearly knocks me over, it's so foul. My face turned beet red because I can't believe I shat myself. I can feel a massive clump of it in my underwear and I'm hoping it stays there until I get to the house.
Unfortunately, this is not to be. Some of it escapes and starts to slowly drip down the back of my leg. I cross the street to avoid a neighbor who looks like she wants to talk to me. The minute I get into the house, I flee to the bathroom to deal with this mess. There is shit everywhere and the stench is so horrific the cat looks at me like she can't believe that smell is coming from me.
I ended up having to take two full showers in order to feel clean. I thought about throwing my soiled underwear (which got a good dunk in the toilet to remove as much of the shit as possible) and shorts away but I can't bring myself to do it. So I clean them off as best I can and throw them in the washer on the hottest cycle there is. I turn on the exhaust fan in the bathroom, hoping to clear away some of the smell because it's so disgusting.
So there it is. I shat myself in public and I'm so ashamed I can't even use my real name. I had to make up a throwaway.
TeenageButts: did your son notice this was happening?
Catcat36: Yes, did your son know what happened? Are you going to be the talk of the playground? If he did, wonder did he feel guilty or vindicated?
| 3 | 11.666667 | |
1397858363 | 1397874807 | t3_23e36c | t5_2to41 | 36 | [deleted]: TIFU on my daily bus ride
I took the bus to work. A sweet old lady got on after and sat next to me. Halfway there, she fell asleep, her head on my shoulder. I gently tried to wake her up before my stop. She wasn't sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30 minutes
TurtleStrangulation: pics or it didnt happen
[deleted]: I dont think taking a selfie would be the best thing to do in a situation like this.
TurtleStrangulation: http://i.imgur.com/PDgfrtP.jpg
metalclassicrock123: /r/wtf
TurtleStrangulation: [/r/selfieolympics](http://www.reddit.com/r/SelfieOlympics/comments/1ucld7/his_selfie_game_is_dead_serious/), actually
| 6 | 6 | |
1397858243 | 1397943152 | t3_23e2zv | t5_2to41 | 206 | bill_azeitfa_gates: TIFU by trying to hide the sound of me pooping from my girlfriend
Not doing this on my main account because I'd rather not be identified.
A romantic overnight stay in a ~500 occupant four star hotel at the heart of a popular English city for our first year anniversary turned out to be a lot more eventful than I had originally hoped after I started to get irritable bowels from the amount of caffeine and spicy food I had consumed during the day. At around 2am, it became pretty painful and decided it was time to drop the kids off at the pool.
Now don't get me wrong, my girlfriend and I are totally cool with the whole 'having to go when you have to go' idea. But it's still pretty unpleasant to have to hear, especially if one of us is suffering from a poorly stomach so we have always taken precautionary measures to block out sound. In this case, I decided the sound of a shower would more than suffice. Upon realising this regal four star had so clearly left a shower completely broken, the most reasonable next step would be to run the bath, which was fine - my fatal mistake was turning on the hot tap instead of the cold.
After a desperate attempt to shit as politely as possible in a steamy bathroom I gave up, accepted it as an exercise in futility and re-entered the bedroom.
"You alright?"
"Yeah..."
Suddenly both our ears are pierced by what must have been a ridiculously sensitive smoke alarm, triggered by the amount of steam escaping from the bathroom. We both fall into panic, trying to call reception only to find the button to dial reception was also unresponsive. We quickly re-robe, and make our way to reception to try and explain the situation.
That's when we find out it's not just our room that's been alerted. The sound was carried by every single fire alarm, in every guest room and every hallway.
By the time we are halfway to reception we are hastily diverted outside by members of staff, joining the hundreds of other guests at the fire assembly point in the courtyard. I explain to every member of staff I see that I was running a bath with the door closed, watching the TV while I was waiting for the hot water to come on - but to no avail.
Ten minutes into standing around outside in the freezing cold and hearing people everywhere complain that they had been woken up by my fuck-up, two fire trucks arrive. Some people panic and assume there is a large scale fire, others are bewildered and take pictures on phones. It's another twenty minutes before the premises is deemed safe to be entered despite staff relaying what had caused the alarm in the first place.
Between the absolute panic that I had woken up most of the guests, the fear that the alarm could have startled an elderly guest into cardiac arrest, the guilt that I had made a few new parents' nights far more difficult than my own and the assurance from my girlfriend that the fact that I had managed to wake all these people because of my need to poop with etiquette was hilarious, I ended up laughing hysterically before crying for a few seconds while trying to stop my hyperventilation.
Yeah, neither of us slept at all that night. I felt so guilt ridden that we decided on checking out at 4am and catching the train back home a lot earlier than planned just to escape overhearing people talk about it in the morning.
If I have one piece of advice for anyone, it would be don't run a hot tap to cover up the sound of taking a dookie. Especially in an incredibly fancy hotel in the early hours of the morning.
**TL;DR**: Ran hot water to drown out sound of 2am dump, trigger smoke alarm and wake up an entire hotel along with alerting the fire brigade.
Soccadude123: The fire brigade? We prefer to be called firefighters.
bill_azeitfa_gates: I'm guessing by your username that you are not british.
Soccadude123: Nope. I guess you call them the fire brigade in England?
bill_azeitfa_gates: You know what? I'm not even sure. I'm starting to question what the main name for them is, I haven't had a run in with them since I was 7 or so.
JustAnotherLondoner: I've always said fire brigade.. so.. i'm just going to go ahead and say that's what they're called in England.
Floyd_Pink: It is the fire brigade indeed.
| 7 | 29.428571 | |
1397842679 | 1397870767 | t3_23ddre | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by sending the wrong resume.
My friend told me about a great opportunity with her company that pays really well. She gave me her email to send her my resume. Shortly after I got her email I doctored up my resume to send to her. Even though I'm still a college student I figured I might as well send my resume in as I have experience with some reputable companies. So, I sent my resume and followed up with her a few days later just to confirm she received it and she did.
This morning I realized I may not have completely fixed my resume. In the objective field, I put my goal was to work for one of the boutique hotels. I completely forgot to take that off my resume from an interview I did for that boutique hotel.
I didn't expect her to let me send another resume but she told me the guy that I was applying to be an assistant for already has my resume with the objective still on there. I don't expect to get the job now but I was hoping to at least be considered. Oh well.
Spudapuss: Ouch always have a resume that all you have to do is plug your information for that specific job and send,with nothing that is saved from previous applications.
dralcax: "My goal is to work for one of the INSERT PLACE HEREs!"
| 3 | 3 | |
1397865156 | 1397941642 | t3_23ecx4 | t5_2to41 | 870 | Error2011: TIFU by finishing for the first time [NSFW]
My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for a really long time and tonight I wanted to surprise him with some awesome start of the weekend sex. I figured I would warm myself up a little bit, so I could focus on him. I decided I would just watch some porn and try out a new vibrator I had just purchased. I'm not big into masturbation, so I really haven't experimented with it much, at least not until tonight. I needed to charge my laptop and the chord wouldn't reach all the way over to my side of the bed, so I figured I would just keep it light and do it on his side of the bed. Big mistake. I hadn't really masturbated that often until tonight. Then, all of a sudden, I hit this angle with my vibrator. It was like my entire world exploded. I came so hard and squirted that I completely soaked his entire side of the bed. I mean everything is fucking drenched. To make matters worse, I flailed around like a fish out of water when I finished, so my cat chose that moment to attack my feet, effectively scratching the shit out of them. Even worse, I screamed as a came, so my neighbors came do my door and started knocking on it to make sure I was ok and that no one was being murdered in my apartment. Now I have angry neighbors, scratched up feet, and a soaking wet bed to clean up before my bf gets home at eight. What's worse, I still can barely move because the orgasm was so amazing my legs are practically paralyzed. And to add insult to injury, my boyfriend has never made me even come close to finishing like that, so there is no way that I can tell him that a vibrating piece of plastic has made me cum harder than he ever has. I have no way to explain this and he gets off work in like 10 minutes.
TLDR; I came insanely hard from a vibrator and now I have to clean up a huge mess before my boyfriend comes home and feels inadequate
Edit: I took (most of) your advice and did tell him. He actually took it much better than I expected, in fact he was pretty excited at being able to spice it up a little in the bedroom. Also, he ended up having to close at work, so I had enough time to do laundry. Sorry, if this wasn't the fuck up follow up that all of you were hoping for. I know, happy endings are boring :P sorry everyone
OptimalCynic: Hand him the vibrator and tell him "There, that's the spot". Men who feel inadequate in comparison to vibrators are generally crap in bed anyway, good partners enjoy giving pleasure by whatever means their SO likes.
ManicMuffin: Pretty big generalization that's also fairly incorrect. I mean we like to give pleasure however you receive it, but it still feels pretty shit to know that we can't just do it "al naturale"
OptimalCynic: Then you'd better get used to disappointment, because 70% of women can't orgasm from PiV sex.
ManicMuffin: Yes I know, that's why I said "al naturale". If you don't use your tongue and other items then it's not really sex.
OptimalCynic: Other items include sex toys. Deal with it.
terk117: so cynica...............................................
| 7 | 124.285714 | |
1397877179 | 1397907549 | t3_23esfz | t5_2to41 | 473 | Nowhereman123: TIFU by putting a credit card where no credit card should go
Today, I was driving with my Mom and a few siblings and we had to stop and pick up gas. It was cold out, so no one really wanted to go get out to put the gas in. Of course, I volunteered bravely to go and pump the gas. I got out, and my mom gives me her credit card to pay for the gas. I go, and I insert the card into a slot on the gas pump. Weirdly, nothing happens. I try to take the card out, only to find it went way to far in to retrieve it again.
It was at this point that I realized I didn't put it in the credit-card slot, but put it where the receipt comes out.
When I found this out, everyone laughed, and we needed to get someone to open the slot and remove the credit card from the slot. I wasn't allowed to continue pumping the gas after that. And I don't think they'll ever let me down for that one.
B68B: *HUGE* fuck up dude!
Nowhereman123: I literally put someone else's credit card somewhere where it could not be retrieved without requiring special tools to access it. All the while, there was a clearly labelled "take receipt here" right under the slot
I mean, yeah not a HUGE mistake... but still, not a smart move on my behalf
PM_me_a_compliment: *Maybe* you did it on purpose so that nobody would ever ask you to go out and pump gas in this terrible weather. Don't look so smug :p
PM_me_yourkittens: If I PM you a compliment, will you PM me a kitten!?! :P
PM_me_a_compliment: [You'll PM me a compliment?!]
(http://critterbabies.com/wp-content/gallery/kittens/happy-kitten-kittens-5890512-1600-1200.jpg)
| 6 | 78.833333 | |
1397878909 | 1397933953 | t3_23eumk | t5_2to41 | 21 | Makeit_rainCash: TIFU by showing my physics teacher porn.
This was senior year of high school I went to six flags (amusement park) for senior day with my physics class, that had less than 10 people in it, and my 24 year old very religious missionary teacher. I went to a private Christian school. It was supposed to be raining so she asked to use my iPhone so she could Google for a weather radar. The problem with that is that with my raging hormones at the time I used Google on my phone to search for porn. So if she goes to type something in Google she is going to see a whole bunch of searches for some hardcore porn that I really didn't want anybody to see. So I'm tried to get her to use somebody else's but the other people in my class were just like "come on just let her use it so we can see if we can stay or have to leave early." So I'm trying to delete as many porn searches as I can, there are a lot, while she's trying to grab it from my hands and see what I'm doing that's taking so long. I think I even had a porn website still pulled up from the morning when I opened safari that I wasn't sure if some of my classmates saw....I'm not sure what she ended up seeing on there, but she saw something under the Google searches that made her stare at me with a face of disgust and give me back my phone before she opened a weather radar. She went ahead and made the decision to head back to school. That was the longest and quietest three hour car ride of my life.
TL;DR: Physics teacher tries to look for rain showers and ends up with golden showers.
Sir_Dude: Why wouldn't you just open the weather app?
Makeit_rainCash: When weather was mentioned I actually pulled my phone out with the weather app and that's why she asked to use my phone to look up a weather radar, since it was already out and had Internet. I couldn't think of a lie seeing as I just proved that it was on and able to connect to the Internet.
| 3 | 7 | |
1397873936 | 1397884401 | t3_23eoh5 | t5_2to41 | 12 | TheMysticalBaconTree: TIFU by browsing reddit/procrastinating when I should be writing my final paper.
I've noticed that a lot of posts on /r/tifu are from the past. Well this one is from the present; in fact, it is still happening as I type. I have a final paper that was due last Friday. I already got an extension until today, but I still haven't really started it. I got suckered into working 11 hour shifts all week (heavy labour) and I am too exhausted to do any heavy writing. This is my final year in university and I've always been a procrastinator, but this is a whole new level of procrastination. I've bounced back and forth between reddit, facebook, and youtube–each time I go to close a tab and get started only to find myself opening a new tab and hitting a different website.
Ive always been a "night before" kind of guy, but I've never held off until a week later and still failed to start like this.
TLDR: I think I might be an academic masochist. =/
Zerothaught: Luckily for you, McDonalds applications don't require much writing... :P
TheMysticalBaconTree: Well in all fairness, I am graduating this year with solid A's. I just hate the sleep deprivation that I subject myself to. Kinda burnt out after 4 years of school.
| 3 | 4 | |
1397883655 | 1398390128 | t3_23f058 | t5_2to41 | 368 | firearmtifu: TIFU by discharging an AR-10 (.308) battle rifle in my house. Pics of carnage included.
This was last Sunday.
Full album here. http://imgur.com/a/5xwDq
I was mishandling a firearm in my house. I squeezed the trigger on a loaded rifle. Ended up blowing up my parents washing machine.
I can't describe how incredibly bad I feel about the whole thing.
The walls are patched now and we have a new washing machine. We couldn't get the same color paint for the bathroom so I repainted the whole room today.
EDIT: This is my rifle. I own over 30 firearms and I have been shooting guns safely for over 20 years. This happened because of negligence on my part. I had just repaired the extractor and was testing the rifle to make sure it was extracting properly. I dropped the magazine but did not clear the chamber. Put it down to go to the bathroom and come back to it. Forgot the round was chambered and I did not check like I should have. Carnage ensured.
RippFlombay: Completely serious here: Why is it legal to have a gun like this? This guy says he's an adult who has safely been using firearms for years, and this *still* happened. Luckily no one else was in the house, but that's not always the case. Point is, things like this can and do happen, likely pretty frequently with all of the gun owners.
It would be one thing if guns like that had a *real use* for private citizens, other than as a hobby. It's not like in this day and age there is going to be an armed rebellion in this country, so to be allowed to keep assault weapons just because you may think they are cool just doesn't seem worth the deadly risk owning them may pose.
jamFRIDGE: Completely serious: Why *shouldn't* it be legal?
RippFlombay: For the reasons I outlined above.
jamFRIDGE: The same reasons you outlined above could be used for car ownership.
RippFlombay: Incorrect. Cars have a valid and indisputably clear purpose for societies' function. They have the power to kill, but serve a largely peaceful function. Pretty much the opposite is true for firearms.
jamFRIDGE: Hunting/pest control, personal protection, these are not clear purposes?
RippFlombay: Those things you outlined are hardly vital to societies' function. Anyone who lives in a town with a grocery store and a police force pretty much has those needs covered. For example, I have never known anyone who has owned a gun, because no one I know has ever needed one. I would be hard pressed to find someone who can say the same thing about an automobile.
Perhaps a Manhattan resident...
jamFRIDGE: Right. Residents of large cities don't need automobiles. Between public transportation and walking they can travel all over the city.
As for pest control, if regular people didn't do it, the DNR would be in helicopters doing it.
As for self defence? The police have no duty to protect individual citizens. If you need the police immediately, they're generally at best minutes away.
RippFlombay: I am not even sure what your point is here, but mine is that we should question weather some weapons, weapons that are intended only to be used as human slaughter machines (designed for the Army for wartime use), should be legally sold on the streets. If the needs fulfilled by guns are indeed as narrow as you've suggested here, I can't see an argument for legal sales being made.
jamFRIDGE: >intended only to be used as human slaughter machines
They aren't intended only for that. Your view on certain guns are as narrow as the few needs I've mentioned. Why isn't defense of self a legitimate need?
Why aren't cars illegal in large cities with plenty of public transportation? In an accident they can ruin people's lives.
RippFlombay: The type of guns I am referring to are indeed intended only for that purpose. I am not talking about your grandpa's varmint rifle or your wife's handgun, I am talking about *assault weapons.* Do you *assault* deer, or any other animal you hunt?
My point isn't that all guns should be illegal, or about whatever it is you're trying to say with car references, it's simply that *perhaps we should question the ownership of guns/ammo meant for wartime use against enemy combatants by private civilians.* I don't have all that answers, and am not making some grand statement here.
Not really sure why anyone would be so interested in disputing the thoughts of one random internet person to this degree...
jamFRIDGE: AR-15s are semi automatic and just like grandpa's varmint rifle. Military arms are select fire and prohibitively expensive.
>it's simply that perhaps we should question the ownership of guns/ammo meant for wartime use against enemy combatants by private civilians.
By that logic we should also question the ownership of Mustang, Corvettes, Ferraris, Porsches and Lamborginis, you know, since they meant for the racetrack
RippFlombay: Obviously AR-15's are not just like a varmint rifle because then the military would just use varmint rifles, and people would not pay so much to own one. Whether something is prohibitively expensive is subjective, many people who have enough luxury income to collect guns can collect expensive guns. Just because you have money should you be allowed to own these guns? You are likely to pass any kind of background check if you are of such means, but you have the same chance of potentially having a mental illness no matter the number in your bank account.
In this case, you hit the nail on the head with your car analogy, the cars you listed are not actually meant for racetracks, they are just advertised to look as though they are. There *are actual restrictions* on real racecars. They are illegal to drive on the street, you know, where untrained, non-professional drivers are driving their wives and children around. I feel like we could apply this logic to firearms as well.
jamFRIDGE: > Obviously AR-15's are not just like a varmint rifle because then the military would just use varmint rifles,
[This](http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-o9G1Yb0u7Wo/UQmFAz8xCrI/AAAAAAAABg0/fe4lcRf-Fsk/s1600/Rifle-is-a-rifle-Mini-14c-500px.jpg) is functionally the same as an AR-15. (Semi-auto .223)
>the cars you listed are not actually meant for racetracks, they are just advertised to look as though they are
So the 400+hp vehicles that can go 200mph don't belong on a racetrack?
>They are illegal to drive on the street, you know, where untrained, non-professional drivers are driving their wives and children around. I feel like we could apply this logic to firearms as well.
The same logic is applied, though. You need a license to carry in public just like you need a license to drive a car in public.
| 15 | 24.533333 | |
1397883890 | 1397928719 | t3_23f0ee | t5_2to41 | 64 | Derp1121: TIFU by opening a sound byte from a friend at a bible study
Well not exactly today, more like three and a half years ago, but this is one of my biggest fuck ups.
I was going through a rough break up, so i was talking to this girl I was trying to rebound with. She invited me to a bible study with some of her church friends, whom I had yet to meet. I go there and get a message from her that she's canceling. So I wound up at this bible study with strangers and no friend to be a buffer. While we're talking about jesus and his socialism, my mind wanders and I check my phone. I open a new media message from a friend and it turns out it's a sound byte, not a photo. My phone shouted, "I DATED A NIGGER!! DAAAAAAMMIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!" Even with shitty speakers, the fucker articulated as much as possible so everyone could understand it. The message interrupted the guy talking. It got silent and the guy running the thing just sat and looked at me. I tried to awkwardly laugh it off, but no one else even cracked a smile. They just looked at me for like five seconds, but it felt like an eternity. Fuck my friends lol
ViolentThespian: Well, you aren't a member, so they won't forgive you for it.
Derp1121: nor do I give a shit, I stopped going there like 6 months later
Pichus_Wrath: Wait, you continued to go a full 6 months after that?
Derp1121: Not to the bible study, to the church. I only went to the bible study that once. Church was awkward when I would see the people who heard the message lol
| 5 | 12.8 | |
1397884758 | 1397950669 | t3_23f1be | t5_2to41 | 182 | DoggyKisses: TIFU by not listening to my dog
So I've been seeing this girl I met through my buddy and his wife and she is a very sweet and kind. We decided tonight we'd go to my place to watch a movie.
A little backstory:
I have a 4 Year old black Newfoundland dog. They're rather large, but they're big sweethearts. The only downside is that they drool a lot. When he has to go out, he will come up to you put his head down and look at you with the most loving eyes.
Anyways, when she comes in (she knew about the dog) I warn her about the drool. She says a little dog drool doesn't bother her, and instantly becomes best friends with him. Fast forward about 45 mins we're on the couch cuddling and he walks in and does his "I've got to go out" routine. But I didn't want him to get drool on the blanket so told him to go laydown. He leaves the room and comes back about 5 minutes later all excited and comes over to my guest. She puts her face up to his and gives him a kiss which he starts licking her face. Suddenly we both get a big whiff of shit. Now I'm thinking he probably made a mess downstairs and some got on his fur. She looks at her hand ~~screams~~ gasps, and runs into the bathroom. It was then I realized my dog had technically just shit on my guest. I ask if she's alright she came out with tears in her eyes and says she has to leave, slips on her shoes and jacket and just leaves.
I've tried texting her but no reply yet. I feel really bad.
**TL;DR - Dog said he had to go out. I didn't listen. Dog had diarrhea in the basement, ate some of it it and licked my guest's face. **
(Edit) I wrote scream, but it was more of a shocked gasp.
**UPDATE:** I talked to her today, apologized and told her it was my fault for not listening to the dog when he told me he needed to go out. She left because she was really embarrassed about getting poopy drool on her face and hands. She said she wasn't mad, she just didn't know what to do and didn't want me to be grossed out by her. We're going out for dinner this week. She really is a nice girl.
ninjafishie: relevant username
JustAnotherLondoner: That's because it's a throwaway
ninjafishie: oh. now I feel awkward, I didn't look at the account age.
| 4 | 45.5 | |
1397893778 | 1397961208 | t3_23f8vc | t5_2to41 | 1,564 | GreatestOfAllTime96: TIFU by not going to the doctor soon enough
Alright this isn't actually my story. This happened to my friend but he doesn't have a reddit account so I'll tell it for him. So really it's a TMFFU (today my friend fucked up)
And it is bad.
My friend posted in a private group on Facebook on Wednesday that he had gotten blue balls for the first time and it hurt like a motherfucker. Everyone is googling remedies for him to try to get rid of it and he said he jerked it and it only hurt worse. At this point my friends and I are thinking this might not be blue balls. We tell him about Testicular Torsion and he says he's never heard of it. We have a conversation and it ends around midnight. In the morning he posts again and says "IT STILL FUCKING HURTS WHAT THE FUCK." It's apparent to me that it's not blue balls at this point so I say "GO TO THE FUCKING HOSPITAL."
He does, and he says he will update us later.
About 5 hours later he posts "I all don't have balls anymore." Apparently, he did have testicular torsion and it caused both his balls to lose circulation. The doctor even said that he had never seen both of them lose blood flow like that before. Unfortunately he had to have both testes removed and he's coping by making jokes about it. I still can't believe it. Poor guy.
xilpaxim: I thought blue balls just meant someone turned you on and then you didn't get to finish? That doesn't/shouldn't ever hurt.
**edit** I genuinely feel bad for you poor fucks where this is painful and especially the ones it is painful for an hour or more.
psycam: It describes an uncomfortable sensation in your balls after that happens. You'll know how it feels when it happens to you.
xilpaxim: Uncomfortable and painful are two waaaaaaaaaaay different things.
One good away in a minute or two, the other stays for much longer.
MeLlamoEsAl: I've had blue balls where it hurt. Nothing severe just discomfort really
xilpaxim: Discomfort isn't really pain, and it's gone in minutes.
The_Vork: Have you had blue balls? It was pretty damn painful for me, and it lasted for about an hour, but everybody's different.
xilpaxim: I'm starting to think maybe I'm just really lucky and get off easily or something.
ThePowerfulHamster: Seems like no one here got off easily.
VocePoetica: bu dum tsh!
| 10 | 156.4 | |
1397901080 | 1397949331 | t3_23fdfe | t5_2to41 | 16 | CharlesOrchard: TIFU by putting nudes on my story on snapchat
I recently broke up with a girl and within a week this chick was really in to me. I kinda felt the same about her so I just went along with it. I'd been texting her and met her a couple of times but nothing too serious.
Suddenly though, I received a bikini snapchat from her with a caption of "wanna play dirty?". Being a 19 year old guy I obviously obliged and sent her a topless photo with a flirtatious caption.
We returned snapchats for about 15 minutes and she then sent a completely topless photo. I felt the need to reply in a similar sexual nature. I sent a dick pic to her with such a dirty caption which I don't want to repeat.
Within the next 10 minutes however, she didn't reply. I convinced myself she was just doing something else so I put my phone down and played on the PS4 for a bit.
When I returned to my phone, expecting to receive a notification of a reply, my notifications were filled with what's app messages and snapchats from other people. They all had similar messages "dude, what the fuck" and "you sick bastard". Then the penny dropped.
I opened my snapchat and what I had suspected was true- I had out the photo on my story instead of sending it to the girl. Before I deleted it I checked who had seen it; the list of names included my 12 year old female cousin who I recommended snapchat to the day before. I was mortified. I couldn't have been any more embarrassed.
If there was any consolation, the girl who the photo was intended for took a screenshot, so I suppose that increases my snapchat score. Needless to say though, she never talked to me again after she realised the enormity of my mistake and the trouble I got into afterwards.
TIFU by accidentally putting a nude photo of myself on my snapchat story. Although only about 10 people saw it, it included my 12 year old female cousin who I won't be making conversation with for at least half a decade.
sponges789: You can still delete it. Hurry up before more people see it!
CharlesOrchard: I did delete it after I checked who had seen it
DeySeeMeLurkin: You can't see who sees a story
Gumbie777: Yes you can?
DeySeeMeLurkin: You can see to individuals you sent to, not to my story as she said?
Gumbie777: ?
DeySeeMeLurkin: Just forget it. I don't feel like explaining the concept of sending something a story instead of picking who you are sending it to.
Gumbie777: A story is so everyone can see it and you can see who opens your story
DeySeeMeLurkin: No, you can't.
That_Deaf_Guy: Dude. Stop before it's too late.
DeySeeMeLurkin: Yeah, my bad. Just had a friend explain how to do it. I'm an idiot.
That_Deaf_Guy: First step is admitting it. It's cool man.
| 13 | 1.230769 | |
1397916856 | 1397924287 | t3_23fpna | t5_2to41 | 38 | Labryss: TIFU by being an accidental racist.
This actually happened last night, but it was so late that I thought I'd post it in the morning.
I'm a first year student at a Canadian University living in residence and its set up like apartments. My friend down the hall sends me a text asking me to hide her alcohol in my room for her since her parents were visiting the next day to help her move some stuff out before her last exam. It's about 2am in the morning when this happens so I'm pretty tired from studying for finals all day. I walk to her room and I open it, the lights are off and the only thing illuminating the room is the movie she's watching. You can already imagine where this is going.
I walk into the room, I notice that this is the same movie she was watching 3 days ago so I ask her "Hey, didn't you watch this movie just recently? Why are you watching this again; *and alone*." At this point I notice a flash of white coming from her bed, not on it, but a several inches above it. I already realize the mistake I made, that wasn't a flash of light, *those were teeth*: She wasn't watching the movie alone, she was watching it with her friend; a black friend. And I just made the most racist joke I possibly could in that scenario.
I immediately grab her alcohol, and run down the hall back to my room where I wallow in shame from the mistake I just made.
**tl;dr:** walked into a dark room and made and accidentally made a racist joke when the race in mention was in the room.
RoboIcarus: Your guilt over not noticing a darker skin person in a dark room is more racist than that actual mistake.
AngelOfDoom: This. A simple, cheerful, "Oh, hi there! Didn't see you!" would have been much better.
| 3 | 12.666667 | |
1397897394 | 1398130376 | t3_23fb8p | t5_2to41 | 9 | collopyj: TIFU by breaking my housemates heart.
She and I have kissed on more than one occasion, and confessed our affections for one another (never sex though). It's awkward because we live with two others and we know it can't keep happening, it's not healthy for the household.
It's a great house, spacious, good location, cheap, and best of all, the four of us are great friends. But each time I go out to see other girls, or bring anyone back here, she gets angry at me. She's too attached to me, and while I like her a lot, I'm interested in other girls too.
Last night, I slept with a friend of ours in our house, after my housemate specifically told me not to get with her in particular. That's where I fucked up, I explicitly ignored her request.
It's bad, we've been very distraught all day and now the other housemates are telling me I should leave, saying they will go protest if I don't, because of the endless fighting and jealousy between me and her.
Don't know what to do, I love it here and I love it with all these people. I fucked up, did a bad thing, and want to make it up to them, but it feels like I crossed a line that can't be taken back.
Help me, what do I do here?
ArkonOlacar: You don't shit where you eat. Getting together with your housemate will not end well (while you're living together).
Not entirely sure why she would try and 'forbid' you from getting with this other girl. If there was no real genuine reason then your housemate is a bitch and you were right to ignore her.
Either way, try and let it blow over. Although it might be a bit late, just try and be absent for a day or two, find shit to do that keeps you out of her way for a while. If she's genuinely mad after a few days, you need to sit her down and talk about exactly whats going on between you two, and draw boundaries that you both understand, or shit like this will keep on happening.
Internet therapist is out o7
collopyj: I think you're right. The best way to go about this is with logic, not emotion. That said, I'll definitely not be making the same mistake again with a future housemate.
| 3 | 3 | |
1397921709 | 1397928311 | t3_23fvgt | t5_2to41 | 48 | [deleted]: TIFU by thinking someone was blowing a kiss at me.
Happened last night. He's an acquaintance of mine…and I thought he was sarcastically blowing a kiss in my direction… turns out he was blowing a brokiss at the guy sitting next to me. What is so bad about that, you might ask? Well…when I thought I was the one it was directed at, I returned it. And he proceeded to give me a really weird look. And now I feel really embarrassed.
WPBDoc: "brokiss" -- {sudden look of confusion crosses reader's face}
vgalosky: No homo bro
| 3 | 16 | |
1397926142 | 1398009453 | t3_23g1hc | t5_2to41 | 128 | phantomphaggot: TIFU by eating too much Chipotle
So I was about to go walking around Yosemite with my family and we picked up some Chipotle beforehand. Normally Chipotle gives me the shits (like it does to everyone) except today it was much worse. I was hungry so I decided to get 2 burrito bowls instead of one. That was my first mistake. My next mistake was not immediately going to the bathroom. By the time we were deep into Yosemite I felt it comin. My stomach was basically pompeii on the verge of blowing up. I waddle as fast as I can towards the nearest bathroom (it was like half a mile away) I'm almost there and a giant shit comes right out of my ass. I look back and keep waddling. I finally get to the bathroom and release what was probably the most painful shits of my life, about 20 minutes later I think I'm done and so I get out and start hiking again. About half an hour later the feeling comes back. I'm talkin star wars revenge of the shit. I swallow my pride and go behind a rock but everyone on the path seems to notice me and basically run away. It was easily the most embarrassing moment of my life.
TLDR: ate too much Chipotle, shit myself, thought I was done, shit myself twice.
no_sarpedon: i dont get why people get the shits after chipotle, since I've never had that issue.
Detached09: Same. I love me some Chipotle. It's never gone all "Taco Bell" on my ass.
gex80: See the opposite is true for me.
no_sarpedon: taco bell ALWAYS makes me hit the shitter afterwards.
I think it's a side effect of having too much grease in the food?
gex80: See I normally go to TB and get a XXL with steak, 2 5 layers, 2 baja gorditas with steak, and maybe a crunchwrap. I have no problems. A salad bowl from chipolte. Forget it. I don't eat chipolte unless I don't have to leave the house the next day.
| 6 | 21.333333 | |
1397927963 | 1398036805 | t3_23g44t | t5_2to41 | 81 | jehanprouvaire: TIFU by going to work early
I work at a small library on my campus, and I agreed to cover an 8-10 shift for one of my coworkers. I wake up early on my day off and open up by myself, which I thought was a little strange because usually at least one of my bosses shows up that early as well but didn't think much of it.
Students show up- a lot for a Sunday morning- and 10 comes and goes without the next shift showing up. That's not totally unusual- it's all student workers and people sleep in occasionally. I didn't have anything else that needed doing so I figured I could hang around until the next worker showed up.
And then my boss shows up with the most confused look on her face and asks why we're open. Apparently, we open at noon on Sundays. My friend hadn't specified if the shift was in the morning or evening and 8-10 shifts are usually morning shifts so I'd assumed. Luckily my boss laughed it off, but i still had to work 8-10 that night.
AskMeMyName: Been there. When I was new at the company I work at (not allowed to include company name, business, or work we do on the internet) I was asked to cover for a guy at 4 on Sunday. I automatically assumed it was 4am because we have strange hours anyways and that's when the morning shift starts. Well I get there at 3:45 and start the normal routine of getting things ready. Everything was going great until I heard a thump and a loud bang. I was quickly bombarded by 6 police officers who had kicked down the door, and was tackled to the ground. My boss walks in 30 seconds later and asks what the hell I was doing and explained to him the situation and that I was covering a shift. I'd never opened, or worked Sundays before and didn't know that we open at 8am Sundays and didn't know there was an alarm system that makes barely makes any noise in the back room so burglars can't find it and disarm it, which allows cops to follow up immediately while intruders think things are going as planned. Well my boss tells the cops to let me go and him and I go back to his place and have a few drinks. He gave me the night off and I went into work the next day. Thankfully nobody else knew of the situation. Glad things went better for you lol
XandraHart: thanks for the laugh, man.
| 3 | 27 | |
1397939780 | 1398131439 | t3_23glkn | t5_2to41 | 151 | hurtyvagina: TIFU by being a horny female
So today (about half an hour ago) I decided I would do something about the growing horniness that was coming over me. Since I am lonely, I had no one to help me. So I laid down in bed, turned on some porn on my phone and started rubbing. But that wasn't enough for me. Oh no, I needed more. So I found a roughly penis-shaped object in my room (a hairbrush handle) and decided to use that. Things were getting good so I decided to go a little faster with it. I stopped moving in and a few seconds later, I randomly started having an orgasm. It felt different but whatever. It was after I came down from the lovely feelings I was feeling when I realized what happened. The inside of my vagina was in intense pain. I could (and still cant) barely move without a sharp stab in the cervix. I'm 90% sure my cervix is bruised and I don't know what to do about it.
TL;DR: I stabbed my cervix with a hairbrush and it hurts a lot.
Update: I've taken some Advil and I feel much better.
buffalo_Fart: when im in bed with the morning wood half asleep sometimes ill push on my friend and he makes a cracking sound. frigging hurts like hell but it feels really good.
preggomommy: Huh?
buffalo_Fart: my dick, not a guy sleeping next to me.
preggomommy: I got that. But the cracking sound is what I am confused about. I mean it's a muscle and not a bone. Why would it crack?
buffalo_Fart: dont know its weird, it cracks. might need a doc to chime in on this one.
preggomommy: I don't have a dick, but I find this concerning. I'd highly recommend a doctor.
buffalo_Fart: how do i explain to a doctor that my dick makes a cracking sound when i push on it during half awake morning self pleasure? they dude will look at me and say well stop touching it then.
preggomommy: Well... If it ain't broke don't fix it I suppose. Crack on, my friend, crack on.
| 9 | 16.777778 | |
1397936597 | 1397945503 | t3_23ggt9 | t5_2to41 | 40 | ClassyTurkey: TIFU by telling my GFs grandma about possibly applying for a job overseas. Haven't told GF yet.
So at GFs grandma's house for an early Easter Lunch with the family. Grandma and I start talking about life goals and my current job. This then leads to how happy I am with the current job and my answer was, "Well it pays the bills, but I'd rather do something else."
That's where I started to dig my hole. Grandma explains to me that life is to short to be waiting around to go for what you want. She then asks me what I truthfully want to do and I explain a job that I saw was available overseas or out of state and was thinking about applying for it. The only reason I haven't is because GF has 2 years of schooling left.
That's when grandma yells to the kitchen and Asks the GF what she thinks about this job possibility. She was confused and instantly wondering what she was talking about. I explain everything how I wasn't doing it but was just thinking about it and that I just haven't brought it up yet.
Now the GF thinks I was planning to apply without her knowing and just disappear one day if I got the job.
TL;DR Told GF grandma about an overseas job I wanted to apply for and I hadn't mentioned it to the GF. GF now thinks I'm leaving her.
That_Deaf_Guy: Tell her she's overreacting and you were going to discuss it with her at an appropriate time.
teamqball: This is good advice, but I'd leave out the part where you tell here she's overreacting. This could just cause more issues. Depends on the person I guess.
That_Deaf_Guy: True, I see where you're coming from.
| 4 | 10 | |
1397943190 | 1398177417 | t3_23gqg6 | t5_2to41 | 6 | jxnpope12: TIFU by downing a 5-hour energy and a 12oz. Red Bull on an empty stomach.
Fuck finals.
I think I might die.
Fuck.
shadowlurker_j: Wait, what?
jxnpope12: [Drank one of these](http://www.target.com/p/5-hour-energy-lemon-lime-energy-shot-6-pack-1-93-fl-oz/-/A-12032548?ref=tgt_adv_XSG10001&AFID=google_pla_df&LNM=12032548&CPNG=Unassigned&kpid=12032548&LID=PA&ci_src=17588969&ci_sku=12032548&gclid=CIvkyr3F7b0CFcdaMgodFw4AiA), followed by [one of these](http://www.samsclub.com/sams/red-bull-energy-drink-24-pk-12-oz-cans/177990.ip) without eating.
My chest is trying to collapse in on itself right now. I'm tweaking
stormin5532: I think OP is kill.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1397943927 | 1398102075 | t3_23grhf | t5_2to41 | 25 | coreys07: TIFU by losing my Indian food virginity
TIFU...I thought it would be a good idea to lose my Indian food virginity. With 3 girls, and one other guy. We arrived at the restaurant and I was immediately spitting game about how something has be hotter than the devils diarrhea to make me feel "uncomfortably spicy in the mouth".
I ordered some odd ass looking lamb dish and some poori. Mistake number one. Never order anything above mild in an Indian food restaurant for your first time.
The lamb dish came out and It was love at first sight. I pretty much gulped down everything in sub 10 mins.
I excused myself to take what was probably a 45 minute shit.
When I came out I saw no one sitting at my table. No one at all. I tried to call my friend but it went straight to voicemail. I freaked out - like panic attack freak out - and started running home which was only 15 minutes away on a good day. After about 10 minutes of my running, I thought I was gonna puke so I slowed down and kept walking. When I finally made it home, I noticed my friends car sitting in MY fucking driveway. I walked and started yelling at my friend out of anger. In the process of yelling, there was this awkward silence from him. Turns out, all he could really focus on was my whateverthefuck making loud ass noises. Kidneys maybe? Ok so I went into the bathroom, dropped another duece and this time, I clogged the motherfucking toilet. Hell, I fucking broke that toilet, I even feel bad for what I did to it. When I fixed the problem by plunging the shit (literally) out of the toilet, all four of my friends were standing outside of the bathroom. I came out and told them to go home. They did without complaining. I walked back into the bathroom I grab my anxiety pills and that's when I looked in the mirror and saw a few drops of 78%water 22% shit splashed about my face. I am never eating Indian food again.
gruffalos: Why would you need to use the toilet just after eating? Do you have a medical issue?
MyNameIsSkittles: Yeah seems weird. I've had food poisening a few times and it has never kicked in right after. Takes a few hours.
Silverlight42: yep... whatever caused him to use the bathroom then, and when he got home is totally unrelated to the indian restaurant's food.
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1397945508 | 1397947140 | t3_23gtpe | t5_2to41 | 7 | VanMisanthrope: TIFU by trying to cook
Today, I thought that I knew how to cook. So I decided to make alfredo pasta and fry some sausages to mix in when that was done.
1. Burn the sauce horribly
2. Overcook the sausage
3. Manage to dump all the spaghetti into the sink instead of the colander.
4. Give up and make pizza
bluejedi72: I've had moments like that. No matter how hard I try, I should have gone with take out from the start.
VanMisanthrope: The worst part is that I've made this exact dish before. Cooking just doesn't work the way I expect it to.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1397953904 | 1398111967 | t3_23h50u | t5_2to41 | 59 | plahplahplah: TIFU by ruining my chance of being apart of a loving family again
backstory: I dated a girl for a year and we broke up. I became extremely close with her family; they practically became my family since my own family doesn't pay attention to/nourish/love me. I was with them almost every day for a year. She broke up with me in January.
I hadn't been to her house since then, and I missed it dearly. I slept over last night and we had a whole weekend planned that involved going to a neighboring state for Easter with her family. Her mom, who I consider my own mom, had a nice long chat with me last night about how I was doing and that I'm always welcome to come over at any time if I ever need to. She wanted the house to be an absolute safe place (regardless of any negative relations with her daughter) for me cause she knew how my home life was shitty. She even offered me a key. We talked about everything, including how i started smoking weed and how school was going. She was the only adult I've ever felt a motherly connection towards, and I felt accepted in that house. She was my role model and friend. Everything was finally perfect again and I was apart of a family. Tonight, I was supposed to sleep over. I let them know that I was going to run to my house really quick to get a change of clothes/toothbrush/etc. During this time, her mom left for work. I got my stuff and noticed that there was a tiny amount of weed still left in my vaporizer. I thought, "why not", it may be fun to be a little buzzed when I get back to the place and took a few drags. I didn't think it would affect me that much. I returned to her house, and she noticed that there was something off with me. She had never seen me high before, and she asked if I was. I'm a shitty liar, so I said "yes". She then left the room and came back 15 minutes later, clearly upset. She asked how her and her brother were supposed to get to the grocery store now (to get a food item that would be used for Easter), and I had COMPLETELY forgot that I had agreed to drive them there (since they can't drive). She also said that her and her family were trying to help me and offered me a place to stay essentially, and then I went home and got high, and how that was really shitty. I didn't realize the shitty until then. She texted her mom, and she eventually read the text on her break from work a couple hours later and then called my ex-girlfriend. Ex-girlfriend then explained to me how her mom felt betrayed and that I had betrayed her trust in me, and I was to leave right then and there. I was still high, but I drove home anyway.
I don't even know where to start. I completely blew my chance at being part of the family again, for a really stupid reason. I feel like I was just disowned. Her mom didn't even want to talk to me, she just wanted me to leave. If that's not an indicator of "you done fucked up", I don't know what is. As close as I am with her, we have never had a disagreement or anything.
This also fucked up my relationship with my ex, whom I love dearly as a friend. I sent the lone text "do you think I'll ever be allowed back?" and she said "not for a long time. Please stop texting me." We had just started being friendly again
ouch
I am shaking and honestly want to die. I've never fucked up this badly before, and I can't even express the regret I have. I can't go through losing having a safe place/family love again. I just can't. I've never felt so alone in my life and I can't stop sobbing. Both of them have a horrible opinion of me now, and I don't know how to handle that. They were the only ones that have ever believed in me and have loved me. I feel like they're apart of me, and that I just lost a major part of me that is irreplaceable.
TL;DR: I fucked up my relationship with a family I consider to be my own, probably beyond repair, and I don't know who I am anymore. Don't do drugs
Update: I sent a long heartfelt apology/explanation to her mom and received no reply :( Thanks everyone for the replies and advice, I definetly learned a lesson from this
WPBDoc: Man, the first half of your post nearly had me in tears. The second half just made me mad. Seriously, this was a huge FU...and for what, a quick high? I can't for the life of me find the upside of people doing drugs. I hope you regain your senses and find the family support you need and want. In the future, use this experience to make wiser choices. (And ditch the stinking weed! It's obviously not helping you get what you want and need in life.)
smithybfc: Whilst I do think that smoking weed here was a poor judgement call from op, the family overreacted surely? To be asked to never contact the family again due to one small mistake seems overly harsh, unless of course he was told beforehand about their strict attitude to drugs.
Also, your comment of 'not understanding' why people would ever do drugs smacks of condescension. Do you place the same judgement on people who drink alcohol? Even if you do, I find it ridiculous that you feel qualified to judge someone in such a patronising way.
WPBDoc: Well, aren't you just dripping with judgmentalism yourself. I'm always fascinated by how people who cry "He's judging!" are making a judgment themselves. Typical.
smithybfc: Ok, by that standard then you're judging me as well as op. We can repeat this ad infinitum, but the fact remains that you're judging op for a personal choice, and by attacking me you're distracting from the actual point.
WPBDoc: I never said I wasn't judging. Of course I am. We all do. Every day. So do you. You just aren't man/woman enough to admit it. Judging just means you've two cents worth of discernment and act on it. Recreational drugs are a meaningless waste of time and money that do far more damage than they do good. (And yes, that includes alcohol.) If you're a grown-up and want to do it -- then be my guest. You can judge me for abstaining all you want and think that I'm not entitled to have a different opinion than yours or (horrors!) dare express it. It doesn't bother me one whit. But don't get all self righteous and start whining about others being judgmental when you do the same thing.
smithybfc: I haven't judged you! All I am saying is that you have an opinion on drugs that is, in many peoples eyes, incorrect. You're the one judging OP subjectively by your moral standards, and your ego prevents you from taking an objective stance on the situation.
WPBDoc: Congratulations! You made three judgments in three sentences. Impressive. You really can't be this dense....you're playing now, aren't you? My ego is irrelevant. I am the one being completely objective -- you however, want everyone to think the very narrow way you think and no one had better dare challenge you. If they do, THEY are being judgmental and narrow. You are perfectly free to think whatever way you want and to speak from those thoughts. As. Am. I.
Don't do drugs, kids. They are bad for you. They make you do and say stupid things. They can lead to addictions, financial ruin, broken relationships and illegal and irrational activities. You don't need them to be happy. People who try to convince you otherwise are not being honest with you...or themselves. Sometimes, they'll even lead people to try to win arguments that they cannot possibly win.
smithybfc: You aren't being completely objective. Personal attacks on me and down voting my comments doesn't distract from the fact that your argument is one sided and biased.
Drugs can lead to addictions, broken relationships and all the rest, sure. But will they? I don't quite think that a single puff of weed is going to lead someone down this road. What kids need, rather than this blanket 'just say no' approach is somebody explaining the dangers objectively. The war on drugs hasn't worked. All it's done is give bigoted arguments like yours the appearance of 'morality', despite being as far away from the truth as could possibly be.
WPBDoc: Take a few drinks and then driving does not always lead to having a wreck either...so what's your point? The fact is, you believe there are lines as do I. The debate is simply where to draw the lines. If you had a drug dealer trying to sell pot to your 6 year old you'd call the cops. If that drug dealer tried to sell pot to your 16 year old, you'd probably protest to your kid and make threats to the dealer. if that same drug dealer tried to sell pot to your 26 year old, you'd probably ask if they could get some for you too, apparently. You see -- you DO have lines and absolutely they are moral and ethical lines. That doesn't make you a "bigot" anymore than it makes me a "bigot". (FTR, you use that word like you think you know what it means, but you don't.) Having an opinion and expressing it isn't "bigotry." It's called freedom of speech and freedom of expression. I wouldn't deny you your right to say whatever you want -- why would you demand then that I shut up about my opinions. You "tolerance junkies" and "free-thinking relativists" eventually always reveal that you're quite intolerant and narrow-thinking fascists under all your goofy rhetoric. The war on rape hasn't worked either, nor has the war on poverty, genocide, sex trafficking, pedophilia, tobacco use, speeding, pollution and myriad other social/moral issues. Should we simply capitulate in all those fronts as well? With every post, you show the shallowness of your argument. Too much pot perhaps?
smithybfc: Bigoted is defined as: 'having or revealing an obstinate belief in the superiority of one's own opinions and a prejudiced intolerance of the opinions of others.' By that definition, you are absolutely a bigot.
And how can you equate a grown adult having a puff of weed to dealing it to a six-year old? Don't distract from the matter at hand by using ridiculous examples and insulting everyone's intelligence. I also haven't demanded that you shut up about your opinions, I merely refuted them as having no sane basis in fact. Because, essentially, that's what it boils down to. Your argument is incorrect, and whilst I support your right to hold it that doesn't mean I have to agree with it. This doesn't make me a 'narrow-thinking fascist' as you put it. If anyone is, surely that would be you.
Then the final flourish of 'too much pot perhaps.' Are you serious? I don't actually smoke pot, but I do support the right of those who do to smoke as an adult without judgement, as long as it doesn't cause harm to others. In this instance I don't think it did, and I believe that the friend and her mother massively over reacted. My argument is not shallow in that it amounts to supporting the right of a person to freedom of choice, whereas yours is limited to a morally righteous, judgemental, prohibition-era diatribe.
WPBDoc: Sorry...I've now wearied of debating with some who so clearly refuses to see the point. YOU started this exchange by calling me judgmental. Yet, every single comment you made has been filled with judgment. The issue remains that whether or not you are willing to admit it, you are no less (or more) judgmental than am I -- you just have a different standard whereby you judge. When confronted with that truth, you try to change the subject. Personally? I am a Libertarian. If you want to get high as a kite every day, then knock yourself out. Just don't come breaking into my 2nd Amendment-equipped house while high some night trying to rob me of my 1st Amendment right to disagree with you. Now on to my graduate students who are far more adept at debate than are you.
smithybfc: The fact that you are responsible for the education of others horrifies me. You call yourself a libertarian and yet you have a blatant disregard of other peoples viewpoints.
Do you honestly think that all people who use drugs are going to break into your home 'high as a kite?' How can a presumably educated person such as yourself hold such ignorant opinions? Not all drug users are violent addicts, you know. Trying to take the intellectual high ground and patronise me would be far more effective if you actually demonstrated any cogent argument, or if you actually knew anything about the topic we are discussing.
| 13 | 4.538462 | |
1397952496 | 1398108986 | t3_23h350 | t5_2to41 | 85 | licktapus: TIFU by pulling my ex-bf's foreskin back
This happened about a year ago...
So, my ex-bf has an uncircumcised penis and he'd never pulled his foreskin back. We were fooling around and I was trying to pull it back over the head for some unknown reason. I pulled his foreskin back and it got stuck behind the head of his penis. We both spent 10 mins trying to make it go back to normal, but it just stayed there... stuck... He had to wear a sock over his dick to prevent it from rubbing against his boxers/jeans for a few days until he managed to pull it back over the head.
Gamerguy_141297: He's...never pulled his foreskin back? That's unhygienic as fuck
MrJeebusJuice: Not sure about hygiene, but it sounds like he has [Phimosis [NSFW].](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phimosis) Blew a guy with it one time. He tasted fine and was totally clean, but it did take a bit longer (less sensitive I imagine).
Sounds like OP pulled it back and got him stuck. Sounds painful.
TinMachine: holy shit that's gross. it looks like a shy worm.
MrJeebusJuice: Hey man, that's not nice. Lots of guys have that problem. It's really not all that weird or different actually. Only kinda weird.
TinMachine: Lots of guys may well have it, but may well look less weird. I checked back and this one is definitely weird.
MrJeebusJuice: Very true.
A cock is a cock when you get down too it. Long as they can still have fun and get off it's all the same really, you know?
| 7 | 12.142857 | |
1397748929 | 1397955542 | t3_239xsb | t5_2to41 | 8 | ishmale11: TIFU by having out of date soup for breakfast. It tastes... so bad.
So I have a bit of a cold, which means I can't taste or smell anything really.
Series of events:
Not quite awake,
Heats up soup,
Eats soup,
Decides to clear out sinuses half way through eating of soup,
Come back to soup to see a strange putty forming,
Eats another bit...
The emotional pain I'm feeling right now. It was not unlike sour milk, but just the really water-y bit of sour milk. It smells so bad, and I can't get rid of the taste.
Save me jebus!
sporez: Yikes! How out of date was it?
ishmale11: One fuckin' day. If that one scene in Deliverance was a soup, it would be this.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1397954821 | 1398017554 | t3_23h67b | t5_2to41 | 33 | jurressicaa: Tifu by laying my boyfriends Xbox on the wrong side while it was on.
So I just now fucked up by placing my boyfriends Xbox on it's side. Normally it's fine doing that but I accidentally put it on the wrong side (vents down) and the console was still on. Instantly the game that was in it (gta5) sounds like it's thrashing around in there so I turn it off and then flip it over the the right side and then turn it back on to open it.
So I do that and try loading the game because I was playing it and then it starts to say that the game restarted due to a problem with the disk. There aren't any scratches on it So I don't know what it means by that.
It finally loads my game and it actually hasn't restarted and its left off where I left off but within 20 seconds of playing, it restarts and plays the rock star intro to gta5. I've restarted the console and loaded the game 4 times now and it keeps switching to the gta5 intro. My boyfriend is going to kill me! I'm so mad at myself because I had just played for hours and now this is happening!
deadpan2297: Think of it as a sign of GabeN
/r/buildapc
/r/pcmasterrace
/r/buildapcforme
kbobdc3: it's quite interesting if you have the [console to potato extension.](http://userscripts.org/scripts/show/465512)
deadpan2297: Tifu by laying my boyfriends potato on the wrong side while it was on
jurressicaa: We also have a ps3. He got an Xbox for the sole fact of gta5.
Machine0fLight: He didn't want to play it on PS3?
ProPuke: Nope. He wanted to have to pay to play it online, instead.
Machine0fLight: Seems legit
| 8 | 4.125 | |
1397959472 | 1397975993 | t3_23hc5x | t5_2to41 | 1,857 | teehee14: TIFU by eating two pounds of almonds.
This was a few years ago.
I was in the Army and purchased that week's groceries. Groceries that included a week's worth of almonds in the form of a huge two pound bag.
Normally that would last me the week and well beyond. Not this week. I had inadvertently signed my weekend away by doing so.
This was a normal Friday night at the barracks. No different from all the rest. Tons of drinking and yelling going around. My normal night was a few beers and a relaxing night on Netflix. At 8 pm sharp, I popped on Firefly (again) and tore open the new bag of almonds. Everything was fantastic.
3 am rolls around and I reach into my now empty bag of almonds... Wait... What? I must have dropped the bag on the floor at some point. Right? Nope. EVERY SINGLE goram almond went straight into my tummy. Right at that moment I realized I felt full. Very full. Not three hours ago when I was in the middle of my Netflix induced almond binge. RIGHT NOW. This is the sort of full that you think your stomach should get pumped for.
I shrug and decide to sleep it off.
I didn't make it an hour.
I was woken up by the loudest and longest fart I had ever heard. Ever. All gasses was suddenly and immediately expelled from my butthole. Violently so.
I rushed to the bathroom 10 seconds later and was still in the process of farting. My jammies were around my ankles and the toilet bowl was dutifully receiving it's yearly amount of shit all in one go.
This shit is now pouring out of my anus like a freak mudslide. Only one kicker. This shit was multi-phased. I'm looking at it with what I can only guess is a horrified but confused look. It started out like a gushing shit brown spray. Then it made the transition into a brown-tinged white goop. I pray none of you ever have to watch anything like this come out of your anus. I must have flushed ten times over the course of an hour.
Rinse and repeat for the whole weekend. I was replacing all of the liquids, thankfully... This almond-diarrhea was spewing out of me for the duration of it. As expected, come first formation Monday morning, I was right as rain. Nothing worse for wear than losing 10 pounds of water weight. And my dignity.
TL;DR: 2 pounds of almonds in one sitting - 1 BAD weekend.
Waffleradio: I know almonds have some arsenic, I wonder if that's what causes such an intense reaction?
Edit: cyanide, not arsenic. Thanks goon, the!
GoonCommaThe: Pretty sure it's cyanide, not arsenic.
Waffleradio: You very well might be right.
GoonCommaThe: Arsenic is an element, and thus inorganic. Cyanide is an organic chemical produced by various organisms.
No_Hetero: By your logic there's no iron in blood? There are elements inside organic things frequently
GoonCommaThe: I don't understand where you get that. Your body doesn't produce iron. All elements are inorganic.
No_Hetero: I know my body doesn't produce iron but saying Arsenic is inorganic doesn't really disprove it being in or on organic matter.
Die_Eier_von_Satan: He never expressed that Arsenic was not used in organic processes. You're making that up in your own mind. Organic simply refers to Carbon in the structure.
No_Hetero: EDIT: Removed first sentence because I misread comment.
I just said saying Arsenic is inorganic isn't a good way of disproving that it isn't on my fucking almonds.
Die_Eier_von_Satan: > I never expressed Arsenic was used in organic processes.
Refer to
>saying Arsenic is inorganic doesn't really disprove it being in or on organic matter.
.
> I just said saying Arsenic is inorganic isn't a good way of disproving that it isn't on my fucking almonds.
That is a lot more clear than the rest of what you say.
And I'd agree to an extent. However I do not think they said it to argue that it being inorganic meant there is little to no chance of it existing.
| 11 | 168.818182 | |
1397959684 | 1398132218 | t3_23hcf6 | t5_2to41 | 14 | kbobdc3: TIFU by taking a screenshot on garry's mod.
I took a screenshot of a *slightly* racist scene on garry's mod. I thought my friends would get a kick out of it. I accidentally had the "upload to facebook" box checked. Didn't realize it until I checked my news feed (the next day).
since I have no shame, I'll just put [this](http://imgur.com/0L3eyzr) here.
Fim0458: Just a guy being hung, the racist part is the apophenia effect people have of making the connection that since he's black that must be the sole reason you want him hung, if he was white the worst people would react would be like "well.. that's fucking wrong, don't post this kind of stuff"
Herxheim: because lynching was never really a thing.
Fim0458: Yeah, but this isn't a lynch mob, and directly has no connection to lynching, it's only apophenia causing you to create connections between data that are otherwise unconnected, therefore you associate this with lynch mobs even though it has nothing to do with them.
Herxheim: an argument based around a 25 cent vocabulary word is no excuse for cultural ignorance.
Fim0458: Congratulations, you've officially completely missed the point.
Herxheim: funny, i was thinking the same about you.
Fim0458: This is a screenshot of a video game, in which, a person in the near future is being hung, that is literally the entirety of the meaning behind this picture if you don't connect it to any other form of data that is not readily apparent in this picture.
When you do connect outside data that is not readily apparent in the picture into this picture to give the picture meaning that is called apophenia.
You are saying that this picture is racist because it is a black man being hung. you state that this is racist because it relates to lynchings which happened nearly hundreds of years ago in actual US history, this is information that **IS** **NOT** shown in the picture, and therefore is only giving the picture meaning because you have connected this to the picture.
Therefore, calling this picture racist and using lynchings as your reasoning is evidence of you being subjected to apophenia, which is what my original point was, you have missed this because you have responded to me saying this by claiming I am culturally ignorant, which is incorrect because I am fully aware of what lynchings were, and why this could be considered racist, I am just not bringing that up because it does not relate to my argument in any way.
Herxheim: > You are saying that this picture is racist
no, i'm not. op himself said
> *slightly* racist
Fim0458: What point exactly are you trying to make?
| 10 | 1.4 | |
1397963125 | 1402157237 | t3_23hgtm | t5_2to41 | 57 | mustangwolf1997: TIFU (Actually a friend of mine) by setting myself on fire inside my school.
Yeah, sorry. Not me who did this, but he's a friend of mine. And I was there for the whole incident, so I'm not retelling this.
I don't have a story for you today, so I figured I'd post an old story from about a year ago that I've been questioning myself whether or not to post. I read the rules and it says nothing on whether or not the story HAD to be you, so I'll tell it. If I get downvoted to oblivion, oh well. It's a story I feel should be told. Votes mean nothing in terms of this story.
The names (All except for mine) are fake. I'm Josh, the dumbass is John, the supplier is Ryan, and my best friend is Aiden. (No, not the Aiden from the nosleep story, I'm reusing the name.)
NOW, ON WITH IT!
-----------
My friends and I were sitting around outside, when Ryan pulled out a can of Pam. Yes, the oven spray.
He starts talking about flamethrowers, and how Pam (FUCKING OBVIOUSLY) is extremely flammable.
So what does John do? He takes the Pam and sprays it on the bottoms of his shoes. He then proceeds to grab my old Chinese knockoff Zippo (Which I have since replaced with two real Zippos and a decent fake zippo I use for tricks) that I was about to light a smoke with, and light both shoes on fire.
He's running around outside with his shoes on fire and the third period bell rings.
At this point his shoes are no longer ablaze, and he's not satisfied.
So John asks Aiden to borrow his lighter, and sprays more Pam on his shoes.
Here's where his stupidity blooms.
We get upstairs to the second floor, on our way to English, and he lights his shoes.
So he's running down the hall with his shoes on fire and something magical happens.
--------------
Here's where people who aren't familiar with cleaning ovens learn something.
Pam is oil based. Hence (other than the fact that it's aerosol) why it's flammable. Another thing about oil based products, is that with oil...
You have no traction.
----------
The high school's PRINCIPAL turns the corner and sees a student running around with their shoes on fire.
John stops... Or at least tries to.
He slides, coming to the point where it's a comedic stare off as he slips and slides past the principal, all the while being in locked eye contact as the principal leans over him while John is in mid fall, inches away. You've never seen a glare that mad.
The Pam fell out of his pocket during this, at which point when John hit the ground, the principal saw it, and knew exactly what happened.
John finishes falling, and the Pam that streaked the floor gets on his leg on contact with the ground.
His left leg catches on fire.
My principal then proceeds to beat the shit out of John's leg to put out the fire. In reality, he was beating the shit out of his leg for setting his shoes on fire inside the school.
He was suspended for two weeks, and I was out of sight before the principal saw the rest of us.
Sorry guys, I'm already in his bad books. Couldn't risk it.
Anyway, everyone else got off fine. Aiden got in shit for lending John his lighter, and Ryan got in even MORE shit for lending him the Pam.
But nobody except John got suspended.
I think I've told enough stories to successfully say, I have the best fucking luck. Not even kidding, my luck gets me out of the WORST situations. Saved me from losing $8,275, getting out of a high speed car vs pedestrian accident without a single broken bone, keeping me out my principal's EXTREMELY bad books, and zapping myself with a camera that is essentially a tazer without having an extreme reaction? Fuck man, I have the best luck.
Sorry about that rant. I also lit myself on fire a couple weeks ago.
Multiple times.
Filling my new zippos, lit my hand on fire multiple times.
I also tried the flamethrower and lit my hand on fire when it traced the aerosol back to the can. I threw it away on instinct after my hand went ablaze. Then the can exploded about twelve feet away from me.
There's your story for the day. I'll try to remember some more later.
Thanks for the time.
MagikMitch: Get a helmet. I foresee you needing one somehow, some way...
mustangwolf1997: Meh, I already gave myself a concussion a few days ago. The helmet is off the list of things I need.
Sibire: The can exploded, you say? I see...
Shrapnel... In your future.
mustangwolf1997: Welp, I have to go to the hospital to get an X-ray and see if there's any more metal shrapnel shavings in my eye.
Sibire: Nah, an MRI should work for that.
/s, even though it would, actually, the result would be less than pleasant.
mustangwolf1997: Acutally I'm going to get the X-ray so I CAN go get the MRI. For my leg.
Sibire: What did you just did?
mustangwolf1997: Got hit by a car a year and 7 days ago. Still have a blood clot in my leg.
Sibire: Ooh, ouch. Take some feelgood upvotes.
mustangwolf1997: Thank you.
| 11 | 5.181818 | |
1397962524 | 1398052812 | t3_23hg17 | t5_2to41 | 8 | IWCtrl: TIFU by disregarding vehicle maintenance
(Actually a few days ago, but fuck it)
When I bought the car I own, I was told that it would run well forever IF the timing belt didn't break. I was told also that I should get said timing belt serviced ASAP, since the last service date was unknown.
The belt snapped while I was coming home from work. The engine repairs are more than the car is worth, and it cost me ~$300 between towing and diagnosis. Now I have to send it to the scrapyard.
RIP car, you treated me better than I treated you ;-;
Entrical: What kind of car is it? If it has a non-interference engine you're likely able to get by with replacing the timing belt
IWCtrl: It is a Daewoo Nubira. It has an interference engine, that's why I'm here :(
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1397956043 | 1398023127 | t3_23h7q2 | t5_2to41 | 75 | CaptainEightBall: TIFU by texting my boss a picture of Danny Devito's ass
So not too long ago a friend of mine got me into It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. In my free time I've been watching all of the episodes on Netflix and got to the Christmas episode. So in this episode, there's a scene where Danny Devito's character is naked and you can see his ass. So I got a screen shot of that scene to text to my friend as a joke. So I attached the photo with the caption "Yee get some" and sent it. It wasn't three seconds later when I realized that my boss's contact was right under my friend's. I immediately sent an apology explaining what I meant but holy crap I really hope I don't lose my job.
The picture (nsfw):
http://frothygirlz.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/itsalwayssunnychristmas1-300x187.jpg
UPDATE 4/21/2014 - got in contact with my boss. I'm not in trouble but he just warned me to be careful of what I send to whom. Lesson learned.
hurrikane94: Quit acting like a jabroni...
DasKatze500: You keep using this word jabroni and... it's awesome!
vgalosky: Do you smell what the rock is cooking?
| 4 | 18.75 | |
1397977084 | 1397992761 | t3_23hvrn | t5_2to41 | 3 | Murican_Freedom1776: TIFU by having sex [NSFW]
Let me start by saying this: http://youtu.be/CCWSDyz7hhc
Me and my girlfriend had a lot to celebrate last night. First off, she is graduating this summer, and I just got over a bad upper respiratory infection that turned into pneumonia.
To celebrate, I took her out on a very fancy dinner, I'm talking about a place where it cost $50-$60 dollars for two people to eat. We then went to the movies, honestly, I fucking hated the movie we went to see. It was some chick flick called "Dirty Dancing". I was just happy to be able to spend time with her again. She was from a very poverty stricken family who could not afford to go out to eat to even places like McDonalds or see a movie. So both of these things meant ALOT to her.
Anyways we get home. Of course we have sex. We had amazing sex. Now this is the first time without a condom we have had sex. As soon as I go in I hear a gasp follow by "oh my god baby, you're so big!" So we go at it.
After sex I found out just how "big" I was. I am laying in bed, asleep. I'm sleeping good, like so good my pillow is covered in drool kinda good. I have not slept that good in my life. All I hear is a loud scream from beside me, I quickly jump up and start going into "holy shit someone just broke into my house and is now watching me sleep as they fap in the corner" mode. When she grabs me and says look. Pointing to the bed.
I apparently tore her so bad we are now at the hospital. My whole fucking bed is covered in blood, so much so we are going to have to buy a whole new mattress. I mean, god damn, I didn't know women could bleed so badly when they are not on their period.
TL;DR: I fucked up by fucking and really tearing up my girlfriend's pussy.
HardFlaccid: At least she didn't shit herself, ay OP?
Murican_Freedom1776: Thank god. I don't want to relive that horror again.
navm4n: again? O.o
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1397971717 | 1398100625 | t3_23hqxs | t5_2to41 | 62 | Johwya: TIFU by blinding some guy
A couple of years ago a couple of family members and some friends rented a house out in east Texas. This particular house is on top of a hill overlooking prime dove hunting area. [imagine this](http://wallpapersfor.me/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/house_on_a_hill_1920x1080.jpg). We were out there for opening day of dove season and planned on bagging some birds. We were there for 3 days, the first and second day we limited out on birds and the third day we did not, here comes the fuck up. We decided that we wanted to limit out for the last day so we all gathered up as much ammo as we could for our semi-auto shotguns and spread out around the perimeter of the house, so we would all be shooting off the hill. Little did I know, I was raining hellfire upon some guy and his son. They had illegally gone onto the property and (if you look in the attached random picture) were basically in a bush similar to the ones in the picture. But it was a pretty big bush/shrub cluster, and there were quite a few of them so I didn't see the men. As it turns out, some pellets from one of my 50 something shots blinded the father in his right eye. Like damn. I felt so bad when I heard "My eye!!" come from one of the bushes! You have no idea how powerful that feeling of *oh shit what have i done* hit me. I felt so bad, this guy being supported by his son with blood pouring down his face are slowly hobbling up the hill. I fucked up BIG time. At the end of this whole ordeal, no charged were filed seeing as how they were hunting illegally on land they did not even own/have rights to. I feel regret to this day for permanently altering someone even though it was their fault for being there D:.
**TL;DR** Guys hunted in wrong spot, rained shotgun pellets on them, blinded one of them.
Sam_MMA: I'm going to sound like a dick, but it was that guys fault. Don't feel bad.
navm4n: ^ he was also endangering his son... did he not know that it was illegal to be on those hunting grounds?
Fim0458: Even if he wondered in there by mistake he should have been wearing some kind of high visibility clothing, so shit like this doesn't happen.
Silverlight42: yeah, and even if in high vis clothing... might not wanna hide in a bush when you know other hunters are in the area.
| 5 | 12.4 | |
1397984668 | 1397990983 | t3_23i0un | t5_2to41 | 2 | milofski: I may have impregnated my girlfriend
sj_ouch: If her period was due yesterday, then she is definitely not at her most fertile time. The most fertile time in the cycle is (if on a fairly regular monthly cycle) two weeks after the first day of her last period/two weeks before the first day of her next period.
milofski: Hey man thanks for that information and not being a bitching atheist who thinks that he is more "superior" than everyone. Bloody fedora wearing neckbeards
RayPlaysDrums: Don't be a passive aggressive pussy just because someone on the Internet rustled your jimmies.
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1397975052 | 1398021970 | t3_23hu3i | t5_2to41 | 49 | Shiennar: TIFU. Swimwear, swimminglessons and you.
In my country it is obligatory for every child to go through swimminglessons when participating in your five first years in school. My school treated this as no different, and once every week two grades travelled together to the local pool to learn how to swim and all that jazz.
Cue young Shiennar, the kind of boy that has to be told to prepare for school the day after by his parents. The kind of guy that simply tosses the first item he can find in his shelves into his bag in order to finish the task so he can return to whatever he was doing previously - most likely playing the old Quake on the computer. Anyways. The following day started out like nothing special, going with the bus that connects my hometown to the school, which coincidentally also is the one that brings us to the pool.
I leave the bus and wait for the rest of the teachers and students to arrive so the session can begin. As soon as the others arrive we get into the showers and changing rooms, getting ourselves ready. I notice I have the best towel ever, nanananana Batman. And I wrap it around my waist as we approach the pool.
The swimminglesson is going great, but Im getting stares from this one girl who attends the grade above mine. I pay no mind to it and continue practising, swimming laps around the shallow area of the pool untill the girl approaches me and drags me to the edge of the pool whispering into my ear.
>"I think you have lost your shorts."
How silly can she be? I feel the elastics cling to my waist, there is no way I could have lost my short while swimming. I prove it to her by raising my waist above water. And then it hits me.
My shorts is white. Silken white. The kind of white that makes it look like my waist is wrapped in plastic film. Essentially it almost makes it look like Im a naughty flasher with how she looks right down at my dick through the thin fabrics of my shorts. Instantly I sink back down, realizing what has happened, regretting the moment I was born.
And what's better yet? The awkard walk back to the changing rooms when everyone is staring at you.
TL;DR - Bringing white swimwear to a swimming lesson and witnessing every classmate you will ever know see your dick through the fabric.
ButtKyler: Why would a company make swimwear that is see through when wet..
KoreaNinjaBJJ: I had a pair of swinshorts too. They were like beige-ish and became pretty see through too in water. It made no sense.
| 3 | 16.333333 | |
1398002693 | 1398013632 | t3_23idpq | t5_2to41 | 58 | [deleted]: TIFU by venting at the bar to a seemingly nice woman
My boyfriend was pretty drunk and in the bro zone and I felt pretty ignored. I don't really have female friends to talk or vent to, and all of our group were his buddies, so I went outside for air. Most bar girls I wouldn't air my dirty laundry to, but Heather genuinely seemed pretty caring when I was alone outside. She took me in and I watched her buds play pool.
The story was shared and Mr. White Knight made a bigger deal of it than it was. I told them I wasn't abused and I'll ultimately be fine. This was apparently not enough.
I go out to the car with my original groups d.d. And final call had ended, people leaving in mass. I only told the girl which guy was my boyfriend and clearly she told the white Knight. Because guess who decked my boyfriend. My original group kicked ass and won but the cops were called. My group wasn't seen as at fault, but my group was blindsided by why.
My boyfriend was too drunk to explain it to but I told his demanding friend and his girlfriend. They wouldn't leave me alone about how it's all my fault and now they can't go to their favorite bar (small town, faces are easy to remember).
Guilt over that and everything was just what I needed... Of course I knew I fucked up. But my priority was my boyfriend being okay. The d.d. Got my boyfriend home and I got him showered and in bed safely. He couldn't grasp why I was sobbing all night and everytime I tried to tell him, he'd lose sight and tell me how funny the fight was.
His friend texted him, The one I have the explanation to, and told my boyfriend (for when he wakes up) that I sent the guys after him. I specifically told that other group that I wanted to handle my problems. .. I'm waiting, sick with anxiety, for my boyfriend to wake up sober so I can tell him what happened and he'll see his friend's text. ..
I'm scared and I ruined the night because I'm a terrible judge of character and just wanted a friend...
***Update***
I explained it to him when he woke up and he seemed completely fine with it. Still calm and good. I went home and got 4 hours of sleep before work and he left to work. As the night went on, he seemed to have more issue, though. He started entertaining the idea that maybe I *did* send that guy after him as revenge for ignoring me. How messed up it was that I even went to hang out with another group of people. That I ditched them. It was then that the entire group was in consensus that I fucked up the entire night, which triggerd a panic attack that I soon came down from. He keeps saying "Its all good, I believe you." but also brings up things I messed up on.
I don't even know what to think anymore.
Maldizzle: So, er, this story kinda hinges on - why is your boyfriend a dick?
[deleted]: I don't think he was intentionally being dickish, he was just really drunk and focusing on the most entertaining thing, his friends
Maldizzle: Yeah, but what did you say to the other people to make them hate him?
[deleted]: Lord nothing. I don't know why they jumped to abuse and full devil viewing him. I just said I felt ignored
Maldizzle: Hmmm. I think we're lacking the full story here.
[deleted]: I have no reason to leave details out or lie. I did this to get it off my chest
Maldizzle: Ok, hope you feel better :)
| 8 | 7.25 | |
1398015980 | 1398025985 | t3_23ivep | t5_2to41 | 722 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my friends mom I want to fuck her
### Removal
Removing all text from the post. All this has done is made my situation worse. If I had known that I would be scrutinized like this, I would have kept this to myself.
**For those that want to know what this is all about: PM me.**
I will not be replying any longer to comments.
I will not force myself to provide "proof".
This was meant to be a funny mistake to share with people. Not "prove it OP" fest.
##Fin
Have a good Easter and day everyone.
packrat386: I think that you should probably be as truthful as you can be without being disrespectful. I'm not sure to what extent she's going to want to hear how you feel, but if she does ask, I wouldn't lie. Its probably important for you to also recognize that this isn't really ok :/
Catform: At what point is it not okay to want to fuck a 30 year old woman?
inhalfthetime: If your friend's mom is 30, how old are you?
Catform: 19.
Coach__Mcguirk: Calling 100% bullshit on this now. You're 19 and have know a 30 year old woman for 12 years making her 18 and you 7. You say she's your friends mom, your friend probably is about the same age as you making her 11 when she gave birth? Calling bullshit on this one, pack your bags boys there is nothing to see here.
Catform: Mistakes happen. I'm not good at remembering a damn thing. The only thing that I for sure know is that I've known her since I was 9.
praxis330: You're pretty bad a guesstimating if you think a mother can conceive at 7 years of age...
noreallyimthepope: [Worse yet](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lina_Medina)
autowikibot: #####	
######	
####	
[**Lina Medina**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lina%20Medina): [](#sfw)
---
>
>__Lina Medina__ (born September 27, 1933, in Ticrapo, [Huancavelica Region](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Huancavelica_Region), [Peru](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peru)) is the [youngest confirmed mother](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_youngest_birth_mothers) in [medical history](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_medicine), giving birth at the age of five years, seven months and 17 days. She presently lives in [Lima](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lima), the capital of Peru.
>
---
^Interesting: [^List ^of ^youngest ^birth ^mothers](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_youngest_birth_mothers) ^| [^Precocious ^puberty](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Precocious_puberty) ^| [^Menarche](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Menarche) ^| [^Medina ^\(surname)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Medina_\(surname\))
^Parent ^commenter ^can [^toggle ^NSFW](http://www.np.reddit.com/message/compose?to=autowikibot&subject=AutoWikibot NSFW toggle&message=%2Btoggle-nsfw+cgxjjdu) ^or[](#or) [^delete](http://www.np.reddit.com/message/compose?to=autowikibot&subject=AutoWikibot Deletion&message=%2Bdelete+cgxjjdu)^. ^Will ^also ^delete ^on ^comment ^score ^of ^-1 ^or ^less. ^| [^(FAQs)](http://www.np.reddit.com/r/autowikibot/wiki/index) ^| [^Mods](http://www.np.reddit.com/r/autowikibot/comments/1x013o/for_moderators_switches_commands_and_css/) ^| [^Magic ^Words](http://www.np.reddit.com/r/autowikibot/comments/1ux484/ask_wikibot/)
| 10 | 72.2 | |
1398015400 | 1398128168 | t3_23iujx | t5_2to41 | 124 | RoomCleaner: TIFU By Letting my mother clean my room.
So my mum was going to paint my room so she was cleaning up first it was all fine she was dusting away and spraying shit with window cleaner. Then she reached my bed and I do try my best to hide my wanking habits but sometimes there is a stray sock that may or may not be covered with cum. She announced that she was going to clean under my bed, I should of stopped her but it was to late she was on her knees staring at a mountain of tissues that stank under my bed..of cum. It gets worse... she started to clean them all up. It was so awkward as she chucked tissue after tissue in to a black bag.When she was done she just nodded and left, I breathed a sigh of relief then I heard my dad shouting from downstairs...Fuck. Got a good telling of but that's all. So yeah that was awkward.
TL/DR My mother found my cum tissue mountain,things were awkward.
haveyougonemad: Throw that shit away. God you just had years of cum encrusted tissues under your bed? That's disgusting.
DalekWho: Could have been worse..he could have had a box..
Catcat36: This box will haunt us forever won't it?
FishOnHead: I...feel like a terrible person, but I want to see this box (and mostly the actual post connected to it).
Catcat36: Fortunately for me, unfortunately for you, I did not save that one. You could try to do a search, or I'm almost sure someone will come, "hee hee" through for you.
| 6 | 20.666667 | |
1398016982 | 1398090371 | t3_23iwwa | t5_2to41 | 210 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to hide a stain with another stain.
A couple years ago at work, when I was smoking outside, a girl I worked with was sitting on my lap right on my shit for a few minutes. When I got back upstairs I was sitting at my desk and I noticed I had a cum leak spot on my pants. Ok sit there for half hour and wait for it to dry up right? Some lady calls me over cause she has to ask me something. My heart started racing, I got nervous as shit and didn't know what to do. "Um be over in a minute!" I panicked, and here let me just pretend to spill my coffee on my crotch. "Oh I just spilled coffee on me!" So smooth. Instead of a small spot, now it looked like I pissed my pants. Everyone I walked past I just nervously spouted out, "I spilled coffee on me" "I spilled coffee on me." "Its coffee." I just wanted to die.
http://www.reddit.com/r/cringe/comments/23fqes/guy_cums_in_his_pants_during_twerking_competition/cgwp9no
This whole thread was a lie
Sibire: I expected something like what I did: My cat pissed on the carpet, and 14-year-old-at-the-time me decided to clean it up.
With chlorine bleach.
Oops.
Cougs67: So, what item of furniture got moved to cover up the stain?
Sibire: None, it was several in the central part of the room.
| 4 | 52.5 | |
1398013388 | 1398202025 | t3_23irjp | t5_2to41 | 1,096 | theartistsaysno: TIFU by mistaking my period for chocolate.
Seeing as today is Easter, I was enjoying a nice chocolate egg in my bed, pre-breakfast of course, when I realized I needed to poop. Alright fine, down to to the toilet, out comes the shat. Nothing wrong going on. except there is the ~~very small~~ major annoyance of my 'period'.
Now stay with me, this is relevant. One week ago I had had my first IUD rudely shoved up into my uterus (actually the gynecologist was very nice but it was not a pleasant experience). For those of you who don't know, [This](http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-topics/birth-control/iud-4245.htm) is an IUD.
One of the main side effects of this seemingly perfect form of BC is irregular bleeding for the first 3 to 6 months. For the past week I have been experiencing that irregular bleeding, but it's not like normal period. Normal period for me is five days, mostly red blood, regular flow accept for the last day which was darker red spotting. This past week had been my last day, every day, except 10 times worse. Darker, nasty ass gloppy shit that looks like it came out of a she-Balrog.
So I was sitting on the toilet, annoyed that my 'period' was still going not-so-strong but strong-enough-I-couldn't-mess-around-with-my-BF (thus my annoyance with it). But I decide that there are better things to do today than complain on the toilet, so I get up, *pull up my panties*, wash my hands and leave, once again to my room.
Now, back to the chocolate. The thing you need to understand about me eating chocolate is that somehow it ends up in places that are not my mouth and I have no clue how it gets there. My chin, shirt, and knees (to name a few) have all had more than their fair share of my chocolate. And it's always melted. I usually just lick it off. Easy clean up right?
Well, Upon entering my room I discovered a bit of dark stuff on my inner thigh. My first thought: OH NASTY IS THAT SHIT?! Upon a *very quick* closer inspection (complete with some sniffing of the offending substance), I realized that no, indeed it was not shit. Logically my second guess is that it must be the chocolate from earlier right? Before I had even finished the thought my finger had wiped up some 'chocolate' and was in my mouth, my tongue swirling away expecting the sweet heavenly goodness that makes everything better...except it was most definitely NOT CHOCOLATE.
Nope. Its nasty ass she-Balrog period shit that rubbed onto my thigh when I pulled up my underwear. And not only is it in my mouth, I was trying damn near my hardest to savor it.
After much heaving and a very thorough tooth brushing, I am still totally disgusted and will be completely paranoid every time I use the toilet for the next week. Hopefully the BF decides he loves me enough to kiss me again someday. Thank you reddit for being here in my time of need. I hope you enjoy my FU thoroughly.
TL:DR I rubbed some period onto my thigh, mistook it for chocolate, and attempted to eat it.
Edit: 'Accept' to 'except'. I apologize profusely for my bad grammar. I wish I had a personal grammar nazi who read all of my wonderful works and corrected them accordingly. I know there is still a lot I missed, but at least I can fix that.
Also to clear some things up: 'messing around' with my BF was pretty general. I can do wonderful things to him, but he can't do much to me, which really sucks on my end. A bit more detail on mixing up period for chocolate: This was messed up period blood. At a glance (which is what I gave it because I was more concerned with the smell) it looked similar in color and consistency to half melted chocolate that got smeared over my leg (in my brain half melted and smeared accounted for the odd texture). Because there was no smell I just assumed it was chocolate (allergies mean I can smell poop but not chocolate, or apparently blood).
ssjkriccolo: I was expecting, "oh a chocolate stain, I'll clean it later " as you go about town sporting a period stain.
Instead you ate it.
:I
hookahshisha: accepting*
Usernameisntthatlong: wat.
hookahshisha: I was trying to make a joke, OP misspelled except a bunch of times (I'm not very funny)
Cougs67: *Accept* that expect and except are different (unless youre dyslexic)
UnknownSense: Dude, you really shouldn't snort keif.
Cougs67: W..what? I must be missing a reference
UnknownSense: Haha I tagged you a long time ago and I didnt know why until I read your history. Its not as interesting as I initially thought.
http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1ipbda/tifuby_not_knocking/cb6xky9
Cougs67: Ooooh Ok that makes sense then. And I'm happy to say that was the first and last time I ever snorted kief. I can't believe I thought that would work
feex3: I'm so confused. What is kief?
Cougs67: So [this](http://imgur.com/nmfYbt9) is a 4 piece grinder, used to grind weed up. Very useful if you smoke weed. That top left piece is a screen that catches the weed after it gets ground up by the pieces on the bottom right and top right. Some stuff goes through the screen though. The stuff that makes it through is a combination of very fine plant matter and trichomes (little crystally looking globs of resin that contain most of weed's THC). That combination is called [kief](http://imgur.com/u98QgtZ). The reason you can't snort it is because the THC in weed isn't active until it gets heated to a certain temperature, so I was putting a bunch of plant stuff into my nasal cavity to no benefit
| 12 | 91.333333 | |
1398019965 | 1398811009 | t3_23j1bh | t5_2to41 | 40 | [deleted]: TIFU by buying a camera on eBay
Older digital SLR, been thinking about getting into photography as a sobriety project.
Got it yesterday, piece of shit has broken pins in the compact flash card slot. Had I done any research at all I wouldn't have fucked this up and I'd be able to take pictures with a working camera.
This is my fault, it's not like I'm unaware that people sell defective shit on eBay. What the fuck is wrong with me?
creamersrealm: Reread the description and invoke buyer protection. You won't lose anything but a little time.
[deleted]: I ended up getting a refund, no issues at all. I used eBay a lot in the early days, but haven't bought anything in a long time. I was expecting a huge fight and to lose all my money, but it's much more buyer friendly now.
I took the refund and put it towards a new camera instead, though.
creamersrealm: I ended up shipping back a server with no insurance. UPS broke the chassis. EBay said to file a claim and they will refund my money because the seller wouldn't.I only lost money shipping it back.
| 4 | 10 | |
1398026778 | 1398038902 | t3_23jbbc | t5_2to41 | 53 | potajedechicharo: TIFU by dropping my cellphone
I had left my cellphone sitting on the edge of the bathroom counter while I took a shower. After a few minutes, I hopped out of the shower to reach for the towel. Suddenly the phone comes alive with notifications from work. So, with wet hands I scooped it up and fumbled around trying to unlock it.
It must have been the way I was holding it and trying to unlock it with the same hand. I had it kind of close to my face in anticipation of the small email text as well. The phone slid out of my wet palm and fell directly onto my left nut before landing on the floor.
I've been unintentionally hit in the nuts before but it's never felt like this. The pain blasted from my groin into my stomach. I dropped to my knees and felt like I was going to barf. I couldn't breathe. My eyes watered over as I laid in plank position wheezing for air. It took me 2 minutes to bring myself back to a standing position. Then the aftershocks started washing over me. I was so fucking angry at myself and the phone and gravity and God.
All the while my wife sat in bed just 20 feet away watching Netflix.
UrbaneMonarch: What's with that passive-aggressive dig at your wife? Were you screaming bloody murder while she blithely ignored you? Did she turn a deaf ear towards you? Because it looks to me like you were in pain, but you didn't vocalize it.
Besides, even if she did take notice, what could she have done for you, really? Give you an awkward pat on the back to comfort you? I honestly don't think there was anything she could have done for you at that moment.
minnick27: She could have kissed and mafe it better
UrbaneMonarch: In the middle of Walking Dead? [Not bloody likely.] (http://youtu.be/cx8jpyM5Vsw?t=6s)
| 4 | 13.25 | |
1397987446 | 1398039455 | t3_23i2ig | t5_2to41 | 25 | simplemath: TIFU by accidentally overdosing on my sleeping pills.
This was a few days ago, but whatever. I recently was prescribed sleeping pills by my doctor because I have bad insomnia, but many of the kinds haven't worked and I've been left tired and sleepless.
One of the pills she prescribed me worked the first time like a charm. I slept heavy as a rock and woke up 12 hours after taking it. Unfortunately when I took it again it didn't work, and I upped the dose by my doctor's advice and it didn't work again.
My doc told me to keep trying it, gradually raising the dose. I planned to but didn't, so at this point I'd tried it only a few times with just one pill max. She told me to take two of them, thinking that I'd been taking it in between then and that current day.
I took twice what I'd usually taken and was really happy that I was probably going to sleep... Fast forward 30 minutes and I feel like my head is swirling and my entire body feels tingly numb. My vision blacked out and came back on a cycle and my hearing felt blocked. I couldn't even stand up and fell over.
I then threw up and sat on the floor trying not to pass out and could barely speak.
Not doing that again.
Sexual_Congressman: I take an ultra low dose of remeron for insomnia. It's an antidepressant with a very unique mechanism of action: the lower the dose you take, the sleepier it makes you, and if you take too much it can cause severe restless leg syndrome so you won't be sleeping then. 7.5mg to be exact, but if you weigh more than 150lbs 15mg should work wonders for insomnia. The usual dose for depression is 30-45mg for comparison. If depression is an issue, it (mirtazapine/remeron) has also been found to be superior in efficacy to ssris and it also takes effect in at most a week.
simplemath: That's interesting. My doc just put me on lunesta and I'm not on a high enough dose yet so it's not quite working yet. Unfortunately the pharmacy is closed on Easter (ugh) so no sleep for me tonight.
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1398035104 | 1398054200 | t3_23jnby | t5_2to41 | -40 | [deleted]: TIFU by making a FAKE reddit post.
readysteadyjedi: > I have a passion for storytelling, and **I'm kind of decent at it**.
Stop lying already dude.
Catform: Well... I would like to think I am decent at it.... Sorry for having faith In myself
OfficerTwix: You either suck at story telling, suck at math, or suck at both.
Catform: I suck at both :(
RickToy: Clearly.
| 6 | -6.666667 |
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