start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1398034259 | 1398061669 | t3_23jm2w | t5_2to41 | 58 | Tubby0518: TIFU by taking my boat out when it wasn't ready.
The boat is a 12 foot alumacraft with a 1985 7.5 hp merc outboard engine. I bought the boat last fall and only took it out once before putting it away for winter. It ran great the first time I took it out before winter.
Today the ice was finally off the lake and I was anxious to get out fishing. I know that it might have trouble starting since it was stored all winter, but was optimistic. I got the boat to the ramp and was ready. With oar, which was actually a snow shovel, starter fluid, a life jacket and extra gas in hand I set off. I untied the boat from the trailer. Then I got the engine started, but it couldn't idle or keep revs. I tinkered with it for a bit, but still wouldn't run. At this point I thought this isn't going to work I should get back to the ramp, but I look up and I am about 100 yards away. Now I said okay I will just row back. Turned out the wind was blowing away from the boat ramp and I could not paddle hard enough to get back. After being stranded for about fifteen minutes a man in another boat came by to tow me back. The cherry on top of the cake was when the handle for the winch to get the boat on the trailer broke. I had to man handle the boat on the ramp wadding in about forty degree water.
TLDR: Took boat out on the lake, and engine wouldn't start. Wind was too strong couldn't paddle back to boat ramp. Nice man with another reliable boat towed me in.
buffalo_Fart: buy those rabbit ears that you hook up the garden hose to. you can test your motor in the driveway next time.
Thinc_Ng_Kap: Can you expand on this? Im not sure I follow.
turbo240: OR fill a large trashcan with water and lower the engine into the can.
Thinc_Ng_Kap: Yeah, thats what I usually do, I just didnt know what those "bunny ears" were.
| 5 | 11.6 | |
1398043066 | 1398062855 | t3_23jz1l | t5_2to41 | 45 | SammehXD: TIFU by forgetting I had a haircut
I've recently had a haircut, gone from having a fringe that goes well past my chin in terms of length, to a far more typical bloke's hairstyle. Well, this morning, in my dazed state after waking up, I sit on the end of my bed, grab my comb and go to comb my fringe, as I always do. Trouble is, I forgot I'd had a haircut, and thought there was far more fringe to comb than there was, and went at it with a good amount of force. Subsequently, my arm flies down towards my crotch, and my clenched comb-holding hand slams into my left nut. At this point, I just burst out laughing at how much of an idiot I am, while rolling around on the floor as an excruciating pain resonates throughout my pelvis and abdomen. I went downstairs to get my breakfast, and my sister asks;
"Why do you look like you've been crying?"
I couldn't be arsed explaining, so on the fly I came up with this pro excuse:
"I... uh... had a really sad dream"
Stormatix: "I... uh... had a really sad dream"
Well played.
Insatiable_Krill_Bat: Sister is sitting there thinking, "Wow... What a 'lil bitch."
| 3 | 15 | |
1398046864 | 1398104893 | t3_23k4gc | t5_2to41 | 44 | igotpbloodonmyhands: TIFU and got my mom's period blood on my hand without noticing.
Oh god. This was pretty gross.
So just a little bit of back story. My mom has a pretty bad drinking problem. She has tried to get help in the past but to no avail. Earlier today, she went over to our 90 year old neighbor's house to hang out with her a little bit on Easter. She said that she felt really bad about the 90 year old being all alone on Easter, so she decided to go over. I do yard work and stuff for this old lady and have developed a pretty close relationship with her. I've told her multiple times about my mother's problem and she always seemed very understanding. She is forgetful, though. Very forgetful. So what ended up happening was my mom got shitfaced at this old woman's house after being clean for a few weeks. She had driven her car down there. She is also on her period.
**Okay now time for the real story.**
So as my brothers, my mom and I stumble into the house after retrieving her and her car from the neighbor's house she and my brother proceed to get into a huge fight with accusations and swearing and all this terrible stuff with my little brother of 10 years old hearing all of it. As all this fighting ensues I calm down my little bro and hang out with him in our room for a little bit. After a little while I went down and helped my mom get down the stairs and up the stairs and whatnot, forgetting that she was on her period. So after all this chaotic madness is over I went upstairs, grabbed a bag of chips and started to chomp away. Only after I had went to the bathroom and reached for the soap bar did I notice that my hands were covered in blood. What's weird though is that I didn't think it was blood at first. I thought it was some kind of red marker or something. Anyway, yeah I got really grossed out and proceeded to wash the fuck out of my hands. I think it was mostly dried by the time I had eaten, but still *eww....*.
**TDLR: Accidentaly got my hands covered in my drunken mother's period blood and ate chips without washing my hands.**
epiphany_cookie: Ketchup flavoured chips?
Lakonthegreat: And for some reason, the game Battleship?
Cougs67: Have you ever eaten a pack of crackers that were so old that they weren't crispy anymore? Have you ever been high as fuck?
Lakonthegreat: It is depressing how many times this song has been relevant in this sub.
Cougs67: Why? It's hilarious! And it was 4/20 yesterday
| 6 | 7.333333 | |
1398049143 | 1398058661 | t3_23k7sy | t5_2to41 | 12 | I_Am_Steve_Irwin: TIFU by forgetting to throw out my piss bottles.
Ok, I'm a lazy fuck. Disgusting, slob, dirty, lets get the names out of the way.
I get lazy when I wake up in the middle of the night and have to pee. A few times, I would wake up and grab an empty water bottle in my room, pee in it, and stash it behind my bed. Well apparently today my dad found them. I'm at my mom's house and he texted her and me telling me what he found. He thinks that I'm messed up and have psychological issues. He said he is going to look into sending me to a shrink. This is the single most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to me and I'm so upset and ashamed. I'm supposed to go back to my dad's on Tuesday and I have no idea how I'm going to be able to look him in the eye. I feel sick, I can't sleep, I don't know why I didn't throw them away or just took the trip to the bathroom in the first place. Fuck.
jaywuff: pretty certain that just confessing you're a lazy mofo would suffice. i mean, is it really better to have your dad actually send you to a shrink only for you to explain the lazy than to just get the embarrassment over by saying "sorry dad, it was just easier to piss in a bottle, and then i forgot to take em to the trash"?
unless.... there really is a reason to worry about why you haven't thrown them out.
I_Am_Steve_Irwin: Nah, it's just don't know if my dad is accepting that "I'm just lazy."
smarmyfrenchman: I mean, it would save him money on the shrink.
| 4 | 3 | |
1398051704 | 1398053410 | t3_23kbfc | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by Making an Inappropriate Cancer Comment
[deleted]
turtlesarerad14: Write everyone a letter apologizing... accidents happen :)
MiraiSuenaga: I think that's a good idea, might earn some points back. Better than nothing.
| 3 | 4 | |
1398053314 | 1398128376 | t3_23kdkb | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally making out with my neighbors husband...
At least... I'm fairly certain I did.
1. To start out: I didn't know who he was (he said he was single).
2. I made out with him two weeks ago, and I just made the connection this morning.
3. There is a reason I don't drink often.
Onto the story...
My brother has been begging me for awhile to "go downtown" with him and party for years. I'm not the partying type, and have always made excuses in the past to get out of it. However, I had the time off, was in the cities, and finally gave in to him. I planned to have 1 drink and just enjoy the night laughing at him (he is a terrible dancer - and uses it to try and pick up women. I find it highly amusing). Well, he and his friends kept buying me drinks and I felt bad they were spending money on me so I would sip on them. Being a lightweight, it didn't take much for me to get tipsy and accept the drinks more freely. One thing lead to another, and I found myself quite drunk.
Drunk enough to get up on stage with one of his female friends, and do things to a pole I would never have dreamed of doing while sober... (there is a reason this is a throw-a-away account)... anyways...
A fairly good-looking male specimen decided I would make a good dancing partner. (Being that drunk, I imagine I was not. In fact, I imagine he was just looking for an easy hook-up. I don't blame a guy for that). He at least had the decency to ask if I had a boyfriend. Then rather hesitantly asked if I had a girlfriend. (Considering the clubs name was the "Gay 90's" I'm surprised he hesitated). I was amused by the questions. When I answered in the negative, the dancing got, well, a lot more... intimate *cough*. Images of being pushed up against the wall with his body against mine began quite pleasantly drifting through my mind.
Which is where my mind came to a screeching halt and prevented anything else from happening. (sorry men - my female mind is a strange place)
Whatever sober part of my brain was left, decide to remind me that this was not who I was and I needed to GTFO of there. It did at least have the decency to politely excuse myself, before fleeing to the bathroom. Leaving the bar shortly thereafter with my brother and his friends, he caught my eye again, and I couldn't tear my eyes off him until we were out of sight. They promptly made fun of me, but I didn't really care.
Onto this morning.
The neighborhood I grew up in has an annual Easter Egg hunt for all the little kids there. My parents still live in the neighborhood, and so when I go home for the holidays, I will often still join in with the adults drinking coffee and watching the little ones run around.
Which is precisely where I ran into *him* again.
I saw him first, and my brain immediately went "No way. Nope. Can't be him. It just looks like him." Because, afterall, the man currently standing there was one of the newer neighbors. He and his wife moved in about a year-and-a-half ago and have an adorable baby boy, but I've only seen them a handful of times since I now live out-of-state. Then I heard his voice. I know bars are loud, but his lips had been awfully close to my ear that night, I had a pretty good idea what he actually sounded like. Again, my brain went, "your just paranoid, it isn't him." Then he turned around and saw me.
I saw his eyes go wide, whatever conversation he was having faltered, and he turned and left fairly quickly. I stood rooted there for a few seconds, the man he was having a conversation with looked a bit confused, but shrugged it off and moved on with the party. I finished up my conversation and excused myself from the party.
I never got to speak with him. It's possible his surprise was caused by something else I couldn't see or was not aware of, but it was enough coincidental evidence that I'm now feeling rather guilty.
Either way, I don't think I can look at him the same way again...
iguessisaidthat: Not really your fault considering he was the one who initiated everything AND even said he was single. He knew what he was doing, despite having a family. It was going to bite him back in the ass eventually.
Don't sweat it OP! At least you have a good(ish) time! :)
r4ib3n: So what you're saying is that it's not OP's fault because the neighbour initiated it? Are you some sort of misogynist who thinks women don't need to be responsible for their actions?
Good for you, OP.
esearcher: That would be a weird sort of misogynist. Usually they blame women for everything and women are responsible for all male poor behavior.
r4ib3n: I define misogyny as "hatred, dislike or mistrust of women". I don't think I use the word incorrectly.
esearcher: What part of iguessisaidthat's comment caused you to conclude that s/he is a misogynist. S/he is championing the OP, a woman. You're scorning that support. But you didn't use the word incorrectly? Ok then.
| 6 | 3 | |
1398050464 | 1398213906 | t3_23k9re | t5_2to41 | 80 | windows8fuckup: TIFU by using windows 8
So recently my family got a new laptop running windows 8. Me being the poor fuck I am currently use my parents computer to do my school work and such. I like most horny teenage boys, like to drain the dragon after a rough day at school. Here's where it gets interesting. Well one day doin the usual thing and get to jackin the beanstalk when I notice the new camera app on the computer. Curious as I was, I clicked on it. Stupid. Before I closed it, I accidentally took a picture, but deleted it right away. And then proceeded to finish the job off and forget about it. Flash foward to today. Easter sunday. After all our extended family went home, I went to a friends for a bonfire. Around 11pm, I come home and my mom is on the computer fucking around playing candy crush or some shit. As I start talking to her she shows me the metro view (or whatever the fuck the app page is called). Right on the picture app is me. Holding my raging boner. I was wearing a bright orange shirt and even though there was no face it was undeniably me. Now if that wasnt enough to explain to my mom, I had to convince her that I was indeed not having cybersex with anyone. I also had to explain that you do not have to pay for porn on the internet. Fml.
Tldr: my mom saw my boner.
neoprint: You'd be surprised how often something this happens. I have a customer who keeps his porn in his pictures and video folders. He's also a helicopter enthusiast.
I was working on his tablet one day, and noticed the live tiles cycling through helicopters he'd taken photos of. It went like this, helicopter, helicopter, helicopter, hairy pussy, helicopter, saggy tits, helicopter
Beefourthree: A much better story when you imagine [this](http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=helicopter) kind of helicopter.
autourbanbot: *Here's the Urban Dictionary definition of* [***helicopter***](http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=helicopter) :
---
>When you swing your penis around in a circle and make the noise of a helicopter.
---
_I helicoptered right in front of your mom._
---
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matty555: urbanbot, what is urbanbot?
jarbar113: urbanbot, what is fargle?
autourbanbot: *Here's the Urban Dictionary definition of* [***Fargle***](http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=fargle) :
---
>during a LONG Fart , in the shower , while water runs between the butt crack , the sound is muffled to a gargling sound
---
_When I FARGLED , I thought I sharted the shower !!!_
---
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| 7 | 11.428571 | |
1398053843 | 1398381336 | t3_23ke9n | t5_2to41 | 33 | turbo240: TIFU by farting in the car
Ok, so we are all clear, this story does not involve anyone shitting their pants.
Still with me? ok.
I went out and got super drunk last night. Lots of whiskey. So today I'm tired, hung over, and my stomach is just wrecked. I had the whiskey shits bad, and was farting *a lot*. Bad, ultra stinky farts. I'm a valet, and that involves lots of running. The only time I get to sit down is when I'm in a car. And since I'm tired, I'm compulsively yawning every 2 minutes.
SO here I am, sitting in a stranger's car, ripping ass of the most horrendous order, when suddenly I yawn.
*I can taste it*
It was so gross. All the previous night's whiskey mixed with pretzels and spicy mustard. It was like some twisted self inflicted game of "guess what I ate". I couldn't stop yawning because well, it's hard to stop once you've started. I rolled the windows down but it really didn't help. I kept thinking "no no no no!" but it was useless.
So here I am, trapped in a hot car, breathing in my own shit fumes, and trying my hardest to not vomit in this guy's Lexus.
Learn from my mistake. Don't fart, and then yawn in a closed space.
Qooda: Nice work, hope you didn't get busted by the car owner.
I would shove some Liquid Ass into an unoccupied car if the opportunity shows up. 10 times worse than a fart and lasts 10 times longer. Also completely harmless and non-toxic.
turbo240: I didn't get busted by the owner and thankfully I didn't shove any of my own liquid ass into my own pants.
Qooda: It's a prank product, sorry for the confusion.
turbo240: Oh I know, I was making a joke. :p
| 5 | 6.6 | |
1398063775 | 1398101116 | t3_23koah | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to be too social...
Today I fucked up, reddit. And by today, I truly mean just moments ago. Here's some background and a tl;dr below.
My college roommate threw a party for his girlfriend's birthday tonight. I, not ordinarily being a social type, decided to photograph the party and meet new people, and it ended up being a blast. I even had a good chat with my roommate, whom I haven't seen much this semester due to our own girlfriends.
Fast forward to thirty minutes ago, 2:30 am and the party had ended. My roommate and his girlfriend were in the room next door (loudly) pounding away and I as usual just turned up some music to drown it out. A little while later, I hear talking and laughter coming from a group of people, one of whom who was my roommate's friend that I had met that night. I figured some more friends had stopped through, and not being able to sleep, I went to see if anyone wanted to smoke a bowl.
With spoon pipe and bottle of orange juice in hand, I knocked and came in (as we usually do in the house). Lo and behold my roommate, his girlfriend, the roommate's friend and another random girl were all just chilling on the bed in their underwear. What I thought to be just a regular hang out turned out to be post-birthday fourway banter. Reddit, today I fucked up.
tl;dr: thought roommate and friends were hanging out, walked in on aftermath of kinky birthday fourway.
dancingmrt: I'm not seeing a fuck up here. Did they do the pillow cover-up of shame in unison when they realized it was you?
[deleted]: No, they didn't care. My roommates have walked around buck naked on drunken nights. All in all, a lot of weird shit happens here and no one questions it. I guess it's more of an internal fuckup, because it gave me an unpleasant scene and killed just a little bit more of the innocence in me.
MelanisticPolarBear: Well you should have joined them. Maybe the sex would have made you feel better.
In all seriousness, it's not really a fuck up, more of a moment of embarrassment.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1398075624 | 1398782596 | t3_23kwjo | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU by rushing to the toilet too fast
Backstory: I have shitty bowels. That's it. You know how most people shit every couple of days? Once a week at best for me.
So today, I'm on my PC, it's 11am, little sleepy. All of a sudden, my sphincter clenches and I hear my body screaming "YOU NEED TO FUCKING SHIT *RIGHT NOW*". Now, there are two toilets in this house. I'm upstairs, so I go to that one. Unfortunately, I know the top one doesn't have very strong flushing, and so usually I avoid using it when taking a dump.
However, in my shit-induced panic, I rush straight for it. I pull those trousers down, squat, and push it all out. You know how I mentioned I have shitty bowels and go once a week? That means it builds up. And as a brown Niagara Falls comes out my ass, I realise: this isn't going to flush.
But it keeps going.
And going.
And going.
And then, as I finish, I get up.
Poking up out of the water, like a tree trunk in a swamp, was a big, steaming log.
And I flush.
And I flush.
And I flush.
Absolutely no chance. So, I grab a plastic bag, put my hand in it, and squash that fucker up. All because my sphincter told me to shit in the next 10 seconds.
twinpac: > You know how most people shit every couple of days?
Most people shit at least once a day. TUL.
dwan25: Well fuck.
sludgegirl9319: That was me. Except no Niagra falls poop. Just a regular poop or bunny poops. Take a probiotic. Seriously, they are LIFE SAVERS!
Before that, i got to the point where I could not poop without taking laxatives. I was bloated and miserable all the time.
I take NatureMade brand Acidophilus. Two in the morning with food. Only 9.99 a bottle. Try it!
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1398074720 | 1398140318 | t3_23kvwo | t5_2to41 | 2,039 | hejalla: TIFU by reacting rashly to drilling noise that woke me up. Cops responded, my sex toys were found, I was warned…
At 8:30am sharp I was jarred awake by ear piercing drilling noises in my student apartment building.
Quick background: Last year my building was completely renovated and we had to endure six months of 8:30am to 4pm drilling, sawing and hammering. It drove us all crazy and probably half the residents moved out. I’m a very peaceful person but waking up suddenly to the sound of a drill now infuriates me and makes me violently angry like nothing else.
So anyway, in my half-asleep fit of rage I grabbed the nearest textbook and started thrashing it as hard as I could against the wall where the awful drilling sound seemed to be coming from. 20 seconds later the drilling stopped. Alright, mission accomplished! I dropped the textbook on my floor and hopped back in bed and promptly fell asleep.
Some time later I awoke to a loud banging at my door and a man's voice said, “Police here. We’re coming in!” and the door opened and three cops and my landlord rushed in before I could even get out of bed. The cops started interrogating me about the loud banging noises coming from my room. While I was explaining, one of them spotted the police-issue Smith & Wesson handcuffs that I used for sex stuff with an ex girlfriend, and they wanted to know all about why I was in possession of police handcuffs (not illegal, but certainly unusual here in Sweden).
It turns out that one of the construction workers had heard my banging on the wall, called the cops, and the cops responded and got the landlord to unlock my door. The police talked to me (and laughed about the handcuffs after asking way too many questions about them), I got a verbal warning from my landlord, the housing company issued me a formal warning in writing and delivered it to me in person, and my neighbors overheard all the commotion and now some of them know me as the creepy sex freak that uses actual handcuffs on women.
I'm already looking for a new apartment...
SidePone: That seems a bit extreme of the cops for banging a textbook against the wall.
hejalla: Yep, although it's a student town and they don't have much to do here other than investigate noise complaints (usually from student parties though).
Threedawg: It is legal for cops to just enter without permission in Sweeden?
Woahzie: Probable cause?
Tom01111: no, you need a warrant
Woahzie: Sorry, I mean if they think someone is being abused (banging on the wall) then wouldn't they be able to come in?
Tom01111: I don't know why I was downvoted, but they need a warrant to enter your dwelling unless they feel that there is a crime going on at that very moment. However, they definitely need something more than some banging on the wall so I'd say that the OP likely got a knock on his door and invited them in when they asked to look around. I think it unlikely that they forced themselves in.
SolidsuMaximus: Op is swedish though
LEoldRedditCanceroo: The landlord was there, and he is probably the owner, so OP doesn't really have a right to say no. Probably in the contract somewhere.
elastic-craptastic: In the US a landlord needs 24 hours. I wonder if they have anything like that in Sweden.
| 11 | 185.363636 | |
1398085154 | 1398087229 | t3_23l4io | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by committing 6th degree larceny
I almost wish I had a story about shitting myself in public instead.
Here's the deal reddit. I'm a broke ass college student home for Easter weekend. My two dogs needed food; off to wal mart! I'm not trying to enact a pity party here, but the fact is I had to scrape together change to buy their purina pet chow, and wound up paying for $2 of it in exclusively dimes and quarters. Just want to paint a picture for you of the straits I've found myself in recently. While I'm there, it strikes me that I need a phone charger and face wash for when I go back to school. Oops, the dogs need to eat, those things aren't in the budget. I mull about the store for a bit, (in hindsight I probably looked fucking suspicious) thinking about my dilemma. I come to the conclusion that hey, it's Wal Mart, it's not like a mom and pop store or anything, they factor shoplifters into the prices of their items for chrissakes. Fuck the man, right? So I slyly (read: not slyly at all) commit the first crime of theft I have ever committed in my life, slipping a phone charger and bottle of face wash into my purse. I pay for the dog food, counting change into the cashier's hand, and walk out of the store.
Obviously I am immediately stopped by loss prevention. He asks if I have anything on me that I shouldn't, and I remember reading somewhere that loss prevention isn't allowed to physically detain suspected shoplifters, so I deny his accusation and try to keep walking, breaking out in a cold sweat. Apparently whatever I read was wrong, because he grabs me and tells me I need to come with him or he's calling the police.
I go quietly, sit in a stupid back room for half an hour, the police come, search me, write me my court summons, and send me on my way. Everyone was pretty nice about it, but fuck me if that isn't humiliating. Got home, got ripped a new one by my dad, we decided it could be a lot worse (we both smoke weed and I was supposed to be picking up before I went to wal mart but my dealer fell asleep), and now I have to call a lawyer and explain this dumb situation I've gotten myself into.
Being treated like a criminal, especially when you know you fucked up, sucks. 0/10, do not recommend.
PDvaughn147: Soooo....you had money for weed but not face wash or a phone charger?? Just wanna make sure I'm reading that right.
Referenced: Apparently not enough for $2 dog food either.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1398086856 | 1398116729 | t3_23l6et | t5_2to41 | 168 | rebelthrowaway: TIFU by being lazy
I masturbate at least twice a day, and often late at night past midnight so I don't want to go to the bathroom and get tissue (plus, I've always hated the feeling of using it to wipe up cum) so instead I used an old t-shirt and it got to a point where I just always used this because it was easy. Anyways, I always shoved it down the side of my bed and I guess one night i didn't push it down far enough. So the next morning I'm not getting up because I was up into the early hours of the morning and my mum comes in my rooms complaining and walks over to open my curtains and she is just like 'what is that?!' and proceeds to pick up and hold in the air my cum-covered t-shirt (was white, now a horrible yellowish colour that stinks like shit). I just stay hid under my covers say 'its nothing' repeatedly. Luckily she must've realised what it was and was kind of cool about it because she most likely knew i masturbated and it was awkward for me but she just threw it on the floor and told me "whatever it is, throw it away" but she walked out, washed her hands and never spoke of it again. Stayed in my room for the rest of the morning. Glad she didn't say any more about it but it was awkward as shit when it happened.
TL;DR- Mum found my cum-covered t-shirt shoved down the side of my bed.
WPBDoc: And yet, another Reddit legend is born. Cum box, cum sock, cum wall -- meet cum t-shirt. (The only thing missing is the picture for the wall of infamy.)
Gamerguy_141297: Cum wall? Never heard of that one
Chopes_: http://m.imgur.com/DazzwDx
preggomommy: God, some men are absolutely disgusting.
GnuRip: never ever go to /r/OhCumOn
preggomommy: OH MY GOD! Why the fuck... why did I let my curiosities get the best of me.
| 7 | 24 | |
1398093884 | 1398141783 | t3_23lg8e | t5_2to41 | 206 | [deleted]: YIFU by throwing off Jesus's groove.
Yesterday being Easter Sunday, my family woke up early to divulge our easter baskets and go to the cheesiest megachurch we know of.
It was a fancy occasion so I had to dress all fancy like with high heels and skirts and sparkles and shit. I cannot, for the life of me, walk in heels. I was stumbling around and falling over things but had to wear them because you know, Jesus likes vanity.
My parents left early to get seats while my sister and I went to walk our neighbor’s dog while they’re on vacation. We were running pretty late, we didn’t look at the clock until it was 8:55 and the service was starting in 5 minutes. We scrambled our things together and drove just barely the speed limit to get there in time to witness the most phony and hilariously awful spectacle in town. We got there at 9:01, just when the auditorium was packed and all the lights were out.
The set up in this place was weird, They had Jesus come out of the grave in the mezzanine behind where the audience was sitting, so that they had to crank their necks in their seats to watch the drama. Then Jesus would walk down the stairs and come out of nowhere behind everybody and walk down the aisle with his arms spread wide in a victory stance making his way to the stage, where people in biblical costumes and angels were waiting in a dance mob with palm branches and random “ancient” instruments. (recorder whistles and glittering tambourines)
Anyway, we come in the back door of the auditorium, open the door and try to get in but the whole doorway is clogged with extra bible characters lounging around waiting for their cue. (totally not a fire hazard or anything...) Oops, wrong door. We try to get out but I think John the Baptist pops up and tells us to hop in with the extras and join them on stage.
No.
These people attempt to sweep us up in their furl of branches and robes but we nudged our way out of the crowd and start moving quickly up the aisle way to where my mom said she saved us seats. Being in too high heels I was too busy watching my feet to realize we were headed full speed to where Jesus was making his glorious march out of the grave and down the stairs. With full spotlights on us and a crescendoing orchestra and choir, Jesus has to stop walking and wait for us to slide into our seats and out of his way, all the while almost tripping into him.
We landed into our seats next to my mom, who was glaring at us like we had ruined the resurrection.
Jesus continued his trot up to the stage but he was less flamboyant now,we had killed the mood and distracted him from the glorious moment and reminded him he was not jesus, but simply an actor.
That’s how I threw off jesus’s groove and ruined Easter.
Tyger011: Doesn't sound like you care much for Jesus or the actor playing him...but hey, at least the real Jesus loves you!
Cougs67: You know, I like a lot of what Jesus teaches (be kind to everyone, peace, etc), but I never understood why people think that God and Jesus would turn their back on them if they didn't worship them all the time. It paints the picture of a vain and arrogant God instead of the benevolent and forgiving one. If God exists, I highly doubt that he is so narcissistic that he demands constant praise. That doesn't fit the character of an all powerful, wise, benevolent being
Tyger011: God doesn't demand constant praise & worship. At least not in the sense we think of worship (singing, praying, offerings, etc.) That's a misconception, and possibly a misinterpretation of scripture by some people. The only thing that God truly demands is that you believe in Him, believe that He is the God of the universe. Do you think that it is too much to ask that those who you created believe that you exist? Praise and worship are ways we show thankfulness. It is not required, but it is encouraged if you want to give something back to a God who needs nothing from you. If you love someone you tell them, but more than that you show them. That's what praise and worship is, and we do this because He first loved us.
Cougs67: If God truly cared whether we believe in him or not, he would show up and prove to us that he exists. I just don't see why he would feel the need for us to believe in him, would it change anything? We are talking about an all powerful/wise supernatural being here, not another human. I don't think it's his job to constantly watch over us and act like a helicopter parent, interfering with our daily affairs. I think he would rather we settle our own problems
Tyger011: Well He did show up. His name is Jesus, and He does care. It seems you want a parent who doesn't care about you. But a parent who loves and cares about your welfare does interfere, while still allowing you to make your own decisions. That's what faith is all about- decision. He refuses to take our decisions away from us, and that's what I think some people hate. "Just show me who you are and Make me believe." I agree that would be easier, and I wish the same thing too sometimes. Doubt, fear, and insecurity are all natural- but trust is a choice. Faith is a choice. The bible is a guidepost, and a love story. That's all. It won't force you to do anything; belief or otherwise. You have what you need, just not in the package you wanted or expected. It's hard to accept, but it's there for you to believe or disbelieve for yourself. That's the beauty of His love. It's yours to accept or refuse.
Cougs67: Jesus isn't God himself though. And for all we know, Jesus may not have actually been the son of God. That doesn't take away from any of his teachings though, those are very much applicable to life whether he is the son of God or not.
What benefit could there possibly be in blind faith? Having other people tell us his word would have to be the most unreliable way to get the word out to us, especially when he's an all powerful being that could potentially talk to everyone at once. If prophets are the way he operates, it's almost like he's trying to breed skepticism. And any being that claims I need to cut off part of my penis is going to be met with a lot of skepticism (kidding, sort of).
I hope I'm not coming off as hostile in this conversation, I genuinely enjoy having intelligent debate with others. And I'm not saying I don't believe in God either (I can't make sense of the universe unless *something* created it). I guess I just don't believe he operates in the same way you think he does.
Tyger011: No, I don't think that you're being hostile at all! And I also enjoy talking with someone who seems to have and honest opinion, openness, and curiosity. But like I said that's the beauty of the gospel, it's there for you to take it how you will. The Bible claims to be the inspired Word of God, and should you choose to believe its claims, then it's there for you to read for yourself (no need to take anyone else's word for it), and to discover what God Himself says about the way he chooses to interact with the world. Good luck to you and God bless!
Cougs67: Glad I didn't offend you! It's one of those topics that really doesn't have a clear cut answer, so some people get really heated about it. I hate how it seems that a lot of Reddit assumes that all Christians are the type that shove their views down everyone's throat, but I would say the majority aren't that. There are crazy people in every religion, and it's very clear that you are pretty level-headed. Good luck to you as well, and I hope your faith brings you peace and great joy
| 9 | 22.888889 | |
1398099387 | 1398126193 | t3_23lp1f | t5_2to41 | 22 | aquaticteabag: TIFU by moshing at a Tech N9ne concert
So two of my roomates and a friend of mine decide to drive from Charleston, SC to Jacksonville FL for a Tech N9ne concert. The three of them were going to be very drunk, and so I was the DD. Now let me preface this by saying that I love circle pits and they are my favorite part of any concert. So we make it through the three opening acts, and it is around 10:30 when Tech comes on. By this time, people have started a small circle pit, not the most violent one I've seen in my life, but it looked fun nonetheless. I decide to get in on the action. So I'm moshing sober and having a blast, two of my friends are shit-housed and the other one is just very drunk. I looked at my watch at around 11:15, mosh for about 15 minutes more, and wake up in the parking lot with my friends next to my car. I ask what happened and get a resounding "you got knocked the fuck out." I get in my car, and see it is now 12:30. Apparently, I had continued to mosh until shortly before that, when I pushed someone (like you do in mosh pits) and he sucker punched me in the jaw. Two of my friends and a bouncer carried me out, and we were not allowed re-entry. I have no memory of this person, or the 45 minutes leading up to the incident. At first I didn't even know that we were in Florida, much less that we took my car down there. Now I have to drive, with a potential concussion, an open case of beer in my car, and three very drunk friends to a Naval base in an unfamiliar city (we got lost twice apparently, but i don't remember), (Me and another friend are military brats, and we were able to get a cheap on-base hotel). We managed to get on to base without question, and that's where the night ended. Now it is Monday, it hurts to chew, my jaw is swollen and I got my friends kicked out of a Tech N9ne concert.
tl;dr: Went to a concert five hours away as the DD, got sucker punched, knocked out, and kicked out. Still had to drive.
whatisdelicious: Man you didn't fuck up at all. Fuck that dude who hit you. Hopefully the pit swallowed him up for that one. Every pit I've been in has had justice for people like that.
Actually, I take it back. You fucked up by driving with a concussion. That was dumb.
Muirlimgan: Well it was that or someone has to drive when they're piss drunk...
whatisdelicious: I don't know how bad his concussion was, but a similar thing happened to me where suddenly I was somewhere else with no memory of what happened. I was at a party where somebody got pissed and brought some dudes back with him to fight everybody and I got suckerpunched then kicked in the head. I get a concussion and have snapshots of memory for the rest of the night. Talking to a cop. At IHOP with friends. The waiter giving me weird looks. In a friend's truck. At home.
Every time I came to, I'd ask them what happened and they'd say, "What's the point; we've already told you like 5 times. You're just gonna forget." I'd ask the same three questions every time: 1) Did I look good getting kicked in the head? 2) Did I go down like a bitch? 3) Is this ok? Is this ok? Is the moneymaker ok? [I'd gesture to my face.]
Frankly, a drunk guy would've been able to function and drive better. I'm not saying one of his drunk friends should've driven. I'm saying that NONE of them should have driven.
Muirlimgan: Well ywah, optimally none of them should have, but they didn't have much of a choice
| 5 | 4.4 | |
1398112580 | 1398119707 | t3_23mbpd | t5_2to41 | 28 | animaAuspex: TIFU by sending an explicit sext to a near stranger
Disclaimer: This was actually about a week or two ago, not today, but I'm still feeling really bad about it.
Backstory: I recently just moved from tiny town East Coast to big city West Coast a few months ago, started a new job etc, and settled in to being a regular at the Peet's coffee shop right across from my job.
There's this super cute chick who works there most mornings, and over the course of a few months, we start talking, she takes my number, says let's chill, but 2 weeks goes by and nothing, besides chatting for 5 minutes while I get my coffee.
So I ask for her facebook, and I tentatively start trying to have conversations with her there. Its a no go. I'm confused because she's super friendly and seems cool, wants to hang out when we're talking in person, but all other communication she seems like she's giving me the cold shoulder. Totally uninterested. Desperate for a hook-up (or at the very least, a cute new friend!) I make one last effort to chill with her, and invite her out to an event me and a few friends were going to that evening. She says give her the details over Facebook, and she'd let me know if she could make it. So I do. Nothing. No response. Not even a "I can't make it tonight, I'm sorry"
THAT NIGHT: I'm not gonna let it ruin the awesome evening we have in plan. Drinks at a cool bar, and an Electro-Swing show at an amazing venue + more drinks at said venue. You know where this is going.
After a few beers and 2 whiskey and cokes, I'm feeling awesome, and in a frisky, dancing sort of mood. I decide I'm gonna send my girlfriend a message (and before I get nasty backlash for this, she's on the East Coast still, we've been together for 4 years and we are in an open and communicative relationship) and see if she's up/online. Except I couldn't just be a normal person about this, I had to send an explicit message to her, being inspired by the music and the booze and the cross-country loneliness. I mash out a message with my fat thumbs, give it a quick once over for typing errors, and decide that at the very least, my girlfriend can have a good laugh about it in the morning. The second I hit "send" on my phone, I realize I've made a greivous error.
I just sent a drunken sext to the hot chick from the coffee shop.
I immediately start making efforts to backpedal on this situation, and fast, sending a bunch of tiny messages so she can just scroll on past the embarrassing paragraph now making it's offensive little home right in her inbox. I'm panicking, typing quickly "I'm sorry, that was for the GF, if you never wanna talk to me again, that's cool"
For all my efforts, all I get is a "nah man, its cool. Total facepalm moment bro."
Bro.
Bro.
In an attempt to get this conversation back on track into some sort of neighborhood resembling normality and not crippling humiliation, I ask her how her evening's going (keep in mind, I'm drunk. Makes perfect sense at the time) and she gives me some line about watching Batman the Animated Series. Also being a fan, I try to start a conversation about that....and nothing. No replies.
After all that, I decided she probably doesn't ever want to talk to me again, and I haven't even been back in the coffee shop. Found a new one to be a regular at. Figured I had spent enough time making an ass of myself.
TL;DR - Totally bombed my chances of ever associating with a cool, cute chick by drunkenly sending a sexually explicit message to her instead of my girlfriend.
Shroomiedoom: 1. As a native Californian, let me be brutally honest (something you might not find a lot here on this side of the country), she never wanted to hang out with you in the first place. She just thought she was being nice, because that's what us folk think is the nice thing to do. We are usually super fun, and then when it comes time to put effort into some thing, we bail. I come from a massive amount of experience in this subject, being a huge flake myself.
2. You will find a lot more people like her, so just don't get your hopes up. Also, after about the fourth text/ effort to reach out, if she's not responding, stop trying. You're probably creeping her out.
3. Caravan Palace is awesome. If it's not Caravan Palace, then you're welcome, and you should share your musical taste.
4. Welcome to the "Best Coast"?
animaAuspex: That's part of the reason I just gave up too. Was thinking about it anyways. That's definitely something I've noticed since moving here. People are friendly, but they don't wanna be your friend. This is definitely not the first time I've experienced this since coming here. I can sit down and have a 2 hour conversation with people I just met, but even if I get their number, I never hear from them again *cue twilight zone theme*
It's kind of a bummer, coming from the "cold North(east)" No one will fucking talk to you, and go out of their way to make eye contact, but if you manage to get them to talk - you know you've made a friend to keep.
And yes, there was some Caravan Palace - I saw them live too just the other night, but there were some AMAZING local acts too.
Shroomiedoom: All I can give you is the old cliche <-(insert fancy e there...) "just hang in there, not all of us suck that bad."
Everywhere I've moved it takes me about two years to really get acclimated and making actual friends.
If you actually are in this fantastic state of California and need to know good places to go, I've lived in LA to San Francisco, and everywhere worth living in between. I can try to point you in the direction of people who suck less, or at least keep the good music thing going.
Also, that sucks that you didn't get T's for the D.
Whatabrat :/
| 4 | 7 | |
1398117435 | 1398635805 | t3_23mjyx | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by not answering the door to a salesman who saw me at the window.
Let me start by saying that in the spring, my mother likes to have all the windows open at all times. Cheaper than running the air conditioner I suppose. Lets the bugs in though, but there's not much I can do about that.
I was sitting a good distance from the window in question, when the dog started barking. I had assumed that whatever she was barking at was far away, as she gave her "a stranger is across the street" barking, which was much less intense and aggressive than her "a stranger is at the door" barking. As I usually do in such situations, I went to go pick her up and take her into the next room, out of view of the object of her attention. As I leaned down, I happened to glance up to see a man. At my doorstep. Staring at me. Holding a clipboard. Obviously a salesman. I AM NOT INTERESTED IN WHAT YOU'RE SELLING.
He nodded at me and smiled, expecting me to come to the door. I nodded back, considering how I'd handle the situation. Without saying anything, I left the dog and tiptoed down the hall to the next room, where I sat in the corner for about ten minutes waiting for him to go away. I then drew the curtains on the front windows.
Did I actually fuck up? Am I obligated to come to the door if a salesman knows I'm there, even if just to tell him I'm not interested and slam the door in his face?
esearcher: You're not obligated to answer the door, just because they decided to be a door-to-door salesperson/survey person/new product educator. If I am downstairs and within sight, I simply say "I'm not interested" before they start their pitch, and when they protest that they're doing something different, I reiterate my lack of interest. If I am upstairs and the doorbell rings, I don't even bother. Sometimes I look down to make sure it's not a neighbor, but otherwise, I don't bother.
Their decision to seek employment or volunteership that interrupts my day is their problem, not mine.
(and I'm usually a generous person, but I value my time and my safety, because too many people use the door-to-door thing for nefarious intent)
CovingtonLane: This. You are not obligated to answer the door, just as you are not obligated to answer the phone.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1398122006 | 1398145733 | t3_23mrbb | t5_2to41 | 1,145 | JimothyBros: TIFU by asking my girlfriend if she shops in the plus size section.
Whew boy. So we were in Forever 21, she was getting her necessary window shopping done. I was mindlessly following, probably thinking about trains or something, when I noticed the mannequins the store had. They were all freakishly skinny. Now, my girlfriend isn't fat or big by any stretch of the imagination (but she is tall) but compared to these anorexic mannequins she looked Amazonian. I looked around, and noticed the mannequins in the plus size section. They were much more realistic for a woman to look like, and in a wild flight from my senses I spoke up out of nowhere "Do you get your clothes from the plus size section?"
I realized a few seconds later and hastily tried to explain my reasoning for my stupidity. She chuckled at me, and hasn't let it go since. I don't think I'll ever live it down.
PepperAnn90: To be fair, the plus size section of Forever 21 is like the normal people section of any other store.
SparkyDogPants: Not really. Normal Forever 21 carries up to 8-10. I think being a 4-6 is pretty normal.
owlsgohooot: 8/10 is generally the numerical size for a Medium. Average people do not wear smalls or extra smalls.
SparkyDogPants: 8-10 is definitely on the bigger size of a medium, if not large. I would consider a 0-2 extra small, 2-4 small, 6-8 medium and 8-10 large. Then you get into plus sizes.
And for reference I'm 145 lbs 5'6" and a size 4/5 so I'm definitely not anorexic or very skinny by any means. Just because Americans are fat and "size 12 is the average American woman" doesn't make it mean that you're not kind of chubby.
[deleted]: Why did you put 0-2 and also 2-4? If we are going by twos (as you did with the rest of the example) it would be xs 0-2, s 4-6, m 8-10, L 12-14.. Or are we just making exceptions to prove an incorrect point?
SparkyDogPants: There is overlap between the sizes, and should have went by 3s. What I should have said is 0-3xs, 3-6 s, 6-9 medium. and 9-12 large.
[deleted]: But.. The sizes go 5/6, 7/8, 9/10... A 9 and a 10 are the same size... It just depends on whether you're shopping in juniors or adults... How would a 9 be medium but a 10 be large, when they're the same size?
SparkyDogPants: Are you a woman? Not trying to be condescending just curious. There's overlap because if I'm shopping at Walmart I'm a XS or S which they label as being between 0-4. At forever 21 I'm a 6 which is listed as a medium. Macy's I'm between a 4-6 which is also medium. All of these sizes are arbitrary and meant to make women feel bad or good about themselves. At Abercrombie I'm a large and almost a size ten because they want you to feel fat because they're catering to self conscience little girls.
Edit: Also depending on the store you have to factor in the shape of the clothes. For example, forever 21 caters to girls with little/some shape which is why I'm a medium. Hips/thighs/boobs stop me from being a small even though my legs and waist are small enough. Abercrombie caters to very very thin, so in order to get a t-shirt to fit over my tits, I need a large. Walmart is more for globular shaped people so I have to buy small so it's not so baggy.
[deleted]: Yes, I am a woman, and I know all this, but you seem to be hellbent on trying to convince the poster that an 8-10 is not a "medium" and that just because a size 12 is "average" doesn't mean you're not chubby...
So basically you're arguing about clothing sizes that you admit are arbitrary and telling people they're fat.
SparkyDogPants: Where I shop a 8-10 is not a medium, this is a fact. Also where I shop, a size 12 is the very beginning of the range of which I consider chubby, this is an opinion. For the record, not fat but chubby. So a little bit bigger without being fat. Some people would say curvy.
[deleted]: You keep contradicting yourself. "Sizes are arbitrary and vary from place to place but 8-10 is definitely not medium and 12 is chubby." Alright then.
SparkyDogPants: I said.... "Where I shop" these are stores that I frequent, which may vary to other stores. You're just poor at reading.
[deleted]: Point being...If you know that sizes are arbitrary then why are you arguing with her in the first place? Why take issue with it when you know full well that sizes vary from store to store? Why make a proclamation that size 12 is chubby (which, by the way, you only added the part about it being "where you shop" after you said it two or three times) if you know these things?
SparkyDogPants: This is stupid and I no longer care. I'm not sure why I care that a medium is usually between a 6-8. I suppose just because I've never seen anything larger than an 8 labeled as medium. This is officially the dumbest most meaningless conversation I've had on Reddit.
You mam have a very cool user name, 612 represent, south Minneapolis.
[deleted]: Thanks. NoMi here.
| 16 | 71.5625 | |
1398123838 | 1398153517 | t3_23mu4v | t5_2to41 | 106 | ChocolateDoorknob: TIFU by posting a link for porn.
My friends and I share a Whatsapp chat, which I have only recently been added to. Since joining, I have been a little controversial, as all of my friends are strong Christians, and some of my posts are a bit 'outrageous' for their liking. I myself have gone to Church all my life too, and from their perspective I'm a nice little Christian boy.
However, I was watching some porn the other day, and so copied the URL for later viewing. It just so happens that the next night (tonight), I wanted to post a YouTube link. Pretty simple, but on my new phone, I managed to think I had copied the new link, when I had not.
And so, I paste the link, and hit send. And then I realise. FUCK. The link had not copied. And my Christian friends were watching a Kagney Linn Carter massage.
To make it worse, my excuse was that I accidentally clicked it on Reddit, and my phone auto-copied all of the links, so I blamed you guys for fucking up horribly.
Sorry.
EDIT: Spelling
TinMachine: no one bought your excuse, but on the plus side I had a think about it and i'm pretty sure all your friends look at porn anyway.
ChocolateDoorknob: Considering about half of them are 16 year old girls, I'm not sure they do... I think the guys kind of understand my mistake.
TinMachine: Nope, they're all looking too.
| 4 | 26.5 | |
1398125882 | 1398160544 | t3_23mxfb | t5_2to41 | 83 | unsuckable9335: TIFU By striking out with a hooker
Like many of you poor saps on reddit I can't get laid to save my life. In fact, I'm a virgin at 24-years-old. I've never had to much as a hand job. Women avoid my dick like the plague.
So last night I decided to take the plunge and see what all the fuss is about. I literally went through dozens of profiles before finding something decent and nearby. She's latino, in her 30s, overweight and the pictures were probably photoshoped to hell. But who am I to judge? I've long ago given up the notion of having a sexual experience with someone free of charge let alone someone beautiful. Plus, she was the only to to have called me back.
I'll again clarify that my intention was not to have full on sex. I though that the hookers that offered full sex put something like FS (full service) in their ad. I just wanted a good old-fashioned dick sucking. That's it. Or, if she wouldn't go that far at least a hand job...reason why is because I wanted to take things slowly. I've never had a sexual experience. I'm nervous about sex mainly because I never tried it, so I decided to start with something like a HJ/BJ for my first sexual experience. The ad specifically was for an "erotic body rub" and it was $180 and had all the hidden innuendos of "something more".
I get there and she's a half-hour late... So until she got there I'm literally walking around the apartment complex in nervous anticipation. I indulge in a half-hour self-hate fest, wondering why I'm so pathetic, why I have to pay a girl to touch my dick because I lack the charisma, the confidence, the social charm required to have one's dick sucked voluntarily.
When she finally does get there, I walk into her apartment. It was clean and well-kept. Her face of course, was hideous and acne infested -- no wonder it wasn't in the pictures. But again, beggars can't be choosers. She was wearing a skimpy dress and her boobs were huge and bulging, which I didn't mind at all. She seems coquettish, keeps calling my "sweetheart", "baby," etc but not overdoing it. She leads me into a room. The blinds are drawn and a candle is lit. It's obvious to me what is supposed to happen here but I don't know how to go about it. Do I just straight up ask her to blow me? I pictured how that would sound and decided against it. I read a long time ago on yahoo answers that you're not supposed to verbally ask women for blow jobs because it kills the mood (wtf, right?).
I then ask if I can take off my clothes and she acts utterly confused by the question. Then says no. She points to a chair, says "make yourself comfortable." Walks out. She keeps walking in and out of the room, telling me to "make myself comfortable." I'm sitting in the chair about as comfortable as a man can be who wants to ask to get his dick sucked by a prostitute but doesn't know how to go about it. About 5 minutes go by and I finally thought of something safe to ask. "Can we start with the massage?" The ad, after all, was for an "erotic massage." I know it's really about the sex, but I thought that it would at least start with a massage... She acts confused by the question. "...I don't think you understand" she stutters. "I don't know what you're thinking... This is between two consenting adults..."
At that point I realize that she was waiting for me to come on to her and have sex. But I don't want sex! I merely want a blow job... but how to communicate that? I ask "can I tell you exactly what I want?" She acts confused by the question and says "No" as if I had done something wrong. At that point, I really don't know what to do. She asks "are you looking for a girlfriend?" I said no. She asks if I'm nervous and I say yes, because it's my first time doing this sort of thing. I ask how long she has been doing this and she replies: "I'm new." She keeps walking in and out, I keep sitting there waiting for her to come on to me or something.
Eventually it gets exponentially awkward and she tells me she's leaving because she feels uncomfortable ... I take my cue and leave.
wtf?
In hindsight, I think she was expecting me to come on to initiate the sex. But I'm awkward as fuck so I didn't make a move. I just sat there. if I knew how to come on to women for sex, I wouldn't be buying a prostitute, would I? I don't get it. I thought the whole point was that I didn't have to charm her... If anyone was charming anyone, she was supposed to charm me, right? Isn't that how it works? Can someone ring in on this? I'm an avowed virgin-loser and literally know nothing about sex, paid or unpaid - so I'd appreciate some direction. Of course I googled "tips for dealing with hookers" and "how to ask for a blow job without using words" but I couldn't find anything helpful or explicit. Am I in the wrong here or is she?
Ugh. I'm so pathetic. I can't even get it when I pay for it. I don't even have any excuses like I'm a midget or a paraplegic or something. I'm young, I'm actually not ugly and make good money. But then again, how many virgin-losers have said the same thing about themselves? Fuck me. I figure my only hope now is if someone in the near future invents affordable dick-sucking robots.
Anyway, that's my fucked up life.
EDIT: Also, please spare the moral crusades. I already hate myself sufficiently as evidenced by this post. Thank you.
My-Account-For-Trees: You typed all of this, and literally no one even commented to give a shit. That's a horrible experience man, but let me tell you the key to getting women, that you seem to lack. Confidence, you have no confidence dude. Just think, hitting on some chick, chances are if things don't work out you'll never see her again, so just go for shit man. If you are self conscious, maybe overweight or not too handsome, join a gym, clean yourself up, get some confidence and get out there. Women look for men that are strong and powerful, waiting for someone to hit on you will be a very long wait. You need to just give all fucks to the wind and go for it mate, if they turn you down, fuck them. Don't let it get to you.
unsuckable9335: I know all about confidence and use it in every other avenue of my life to get things I want. However, no matter what I do I will never feel confident having sex until I've had it at least once. It's fear of the unknown. I thought paying for it would be an anecdote to that because I didn't need to be confident (the hooker wouldn't care, so long as she was paid) and then after that, I would be more confident about it.
Do I really have to be confident AND pay money to have sex with a hooker? Fuck this shit, I should just go gay.
My-Account-For-Trees: When in doubt, sodomize it out.
unsuckable9335: I'm seriously considering it. I've heard getting sex from other men is easy. I'm sure I could grow to like it ...
God I'm pathetic.
BarbasPT: Dude... You've got to learn to like yourself.
Don't be desperate.
| 6 | 13.833333 | |
1398128038 | 1398138545 | t3_23n0t3 | t5_2to41 | 165 | ThatDandyMan: TIFU by sitting on the toilet while eating Ramen Noodles
So, here I am writing a couple paragraphs and outlining World History chapters. I get kind of Hungary, so I czech the pantry for some food, but there's none. Kenya believe it? All I have to eat is Roman noodles, which isn't half bad. After it finishes in the microwave I walk back to my seat, put some headphones on, and continue typing away. All of a sudden I get the urge to take a massive crap, and I think it's a brilliant idea to bring the noodles in with me. Well, I pull the headphones cord as long as it can go into the bathroom and bring the noodles and start crapping away. The noodle bowl gets hot after holding it in your hands for a while, and I don't want to have it on the ground because I can't eat from there, so I decide to pull my undies halfway up my legs and have the bowl balance on my underpants. The bowl all of a sudden falls backwards onto my genitals and i start freaking out. Steaming hot water with a beef flavor is now all over my balls and I have no clue what to do!
And to top that off, my shit was too large that it couldn't flush down the drain.
TL;DR: Brought steaming hot Ramen into the bathroom and it spilled all over my balls.
KindaYourAverageJoe: What does the TL;DR mean?
jtl94: Too long; didn't read
Basically a tl;dr is a summary of a lengthy post.
Zazie_Lavender: So meta. TL;DR of TL;DR
jtl94: Does meta make me cool? *maybe?*
Zazie_Lavender: No, it just means you have begun your journey down the Rabbit Hole.
jtl94: I can live with that, maybe I'll be cool later on.
Zazie_Lavender: Maybe. If you survive...
jtl94: Waaaaait, what do I have to survive now that I'm down in this rabbit hole?
Zazie_Lavender: Many things. Some hostile, some not-so-hostile. The Rabbit Hole is a dangerous place. It is also a fantastical one, with many things to enjoy. But you must find them on your own...
| 10 | 16.5 | |
1398132110 | 1398136924 | t3_23n787 | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by trusting my instincts at the beauty supply store.
My hair is maroon.
Not red, not purple.
Maroon.
If anyone needs me, I'll be the one crying in the shower with a bottle of clarifying shampoo.
Fim0458: What exactly went wrong? I'm not getting this.
krystalbee: Sorry, I grabbed the wrong color of dye. I go to a professional store where dye colors are listed by numbers, no pictures. I've used this dye before so the number clicked in my mind. Bam! Maroon hair instead of a nice copper.
Fim0458: Oh right! Well, maroon is a pretty dark colour, couldn't you just bleach your hair a bit and then re-dye it?
krystalbee: I could, but bleaching causes more trouble than it's worth. I'm just gonna ride out the maroon wave. Hopefully it'll fade out quickly.
Pierogski: Washing it with warm/hot water will fade it quickly, as well as washing it once a day or shampooing twice when you wash it, and it might do some damage to your hair, but won't be nearly as bad as bleaching it. I've had maroon hair before and it turned gingery within 3-4 weeks, and that was when I was actively trying to preserve the color.
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1398133113 | 1398184734 | t3_23n8vv | t5_2to41 | 30 | HalfNam: TIFU by trying to put a clamp on my iPhone 5s.
A week ago, I had accidentally dropped my 5S on the ground from my pocket resulting in a hairline crack across the bottom left to the middle right. Hairline cracks on occasionally covered by warranty by Apple depending on the Genius helping.
The next day, I received my brand new warranty covered iPhone 5S after waiting at the Apple Store. The only problem that occurred was that I had to peel the [wood skin](http://madebymonolith.com/collections/iphone-5/products/etimoe-1) I had off the back of my phone.
That night, I had synced my iPhone up so it was just as it was before it had the hairline crack. To restore it to its complete former glory, I strongly desired to put my old skin on the back, because who would want to waste a $20 skin? The adhesive in the middle of the skin was perfectly fine; reapplying the bottom and top was the hard part. I then believed I had the perfect solution! Clamp the phone between two books! I grabbed two books off my bookshelf that I wouldn't mind using: *Amelia Bedelia* and *How To Make Ballon Animals*.
I [clamped](http://us.123rf.com/400wm/400/400/wildman/wildman1012/wildman101200139/8507680-old-obsolete-iron-c-clamp-isolated-on-white.jpg) the iPhone with skin on the back between the two books. I proceeded to tighten the clamp with ungodly strength, later employing a screwdriver for increased torsion until I heard the fragility of my phone. *CRACK*. I attempted to undo the clamp with my palms sweaty but could not due to the sheer strength poured into the tightening. My attempts to loosen the clamp resulted in the clamp [bending](http://imgur.com/5i9kiTd) making it further impossible to remove. I pulled the books from the desolation to reveal an iPhone with a [horrifically spiderweb cracked screen](http://imgur.com/jk7YpFd), which are definitely not covered by warranty. Oh and the skin did not stay on.
I then ordered a replacement screen on eBay for $49 and a new skin for $19. Bringing us to today. Today, I attempted to replace my iPhone's screen with the eBay screen, to only gain a screen with no response to touch after 2 hours of intensive screen transplanting.
**TL;DR:** Broke iPhone screen, got it replaced by warranty, wanted to put skin back on to save $20, clamped screen, rekt screen, ordered replacement screen, two hour transplant of screen, screen doesn't work.
jax12622: Sounds like you broke the digitizer?
charden_sama: Broke the fuuuck outta the digitizer.
| 3 | 10 | |
1398137773 | 1398170197 | t3_23ng1h | t5_2to41 | 4 | stormin5532: TIFU by looking at /b/.
So I went on /b/ to try and see if I could set of a moralfag. I ended up in a rule 34 thread where I thought "Oh there will be white knights everywhere!". Of course my mother then shows up a sees me with a screen that has little pictures and small text. (Note: I am only 14) she gets curious and tells me to open it back up. After looking at me she says "I think you should leave that site." I then close /b/ and 5 minutes later I get told about how pornography ruins the lives of people and turns them into sex addicts. (I also have 3 gb of porn hidden away on a flash drive and I don't jerk off all day long so it's bullshit.)
I'm dreading tomorrow and I have to now delete a torrent I got. Also I fear the reaction from my father and aunt.
Edit: Well nothing bad happened but I feel like I'm being lulled into a false sense of security.
Also, what did I do to be hated so much?
TD;LR: don't go to r34 threads looking for moralfags with a parent in the other room.
Also sorry for shifty formatting. Posting from my kindle.
sxytime0: Only 3gb weak
stormin5532: It's close to half of the drive's storage. It only holds 8 gb. I'm also not in need of having a stockpile of porn.
fabulous_frolicker: In my glory days it was 25gb. Fucking casual.
stormin5532: ...Is this really a thing? Well i'm sorry i don't download every bit of porn i see.
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1398137919 | 1398177766 | t3_23ng91 | t5_2to41 | 40 | theatomicguy1: TIFU by shitting in a TS channel
So Normally I play dayz (mod) with about 6-7 other people and today was no exception. A few of these people are really *In* with the users (some of which are friends) on the TS and the server. And those people are really loud, so they cant just shut the living gorram fuck up when something happens.
So one of the people in my group was telling a fucking HILARIOUS story, and I was listening in. Alot of us lauhged, but i farted as i was laughing. It was one of those feels-like-a-fart-but-is-realy-fucking-bad-diarrhea farts. So i shat my pants just a little bit and my sphincter told me "Wel thats not it, my friend". So I didnt want to leave my laptop, or else I would've missed alot of the story. I unhooked the charger and thought i muted myself on TS. I basically sat down and let it flow. It was a non-burning diarrhea, so I was having a not-so-bad shit. My friend makes anohter joke in the story and everyone laughs, and there just happens to be a giant pocket of air behind m asscheeks. I laughed so hard, then farted to a fucking giga-level of decibals. I had apparently NOT muted myself, and right after my super-saiyan shit fart, the goddamn channel went quiet. I slap the wall (because TS makes a beep if you make noise and your still muted). Mfw no beep. The channel is still silent, so im internally screaming super hard, and the flow of brown decides not to stop. Apparently my mic sensitivity was also picking up the drip sounds that the shit was making as it hit the toilet water. I left the channel and screamed so loud that my throat hurts right now. I joined back into the channel and half of them left with the two jerkoffs that have to tell everyone about what happens are laughing their gorram asses off. I yell at them and they just start the name callings, and i just joined up with the other half who went into a different channel. We just laughed it off and kept playing, but i dont know what is in store for the net hour with those other assholes telling everyone
Edit: Just got messages and Pokes from admins and shit, They all know, They all laughed, and my TRUE friends (as true as a DayZ relationship can be) hunted them all down and killed them, cept for one of the admins
tl;dr Went to take a shit and I thought I muted my mic, turns out i didn't and ended up ripping ass for all of my channel to hear
Eventhorizzon: PUSH TO FUCKING TALK BUTTON! Rookie voip mistake haha.
theatomicguy1: yeah but, hey, voice detection is good too
foamster: It isn't the same, buddy.
You should have just owned it.
| 4 | 10 | |
1398144439 | 1398144830 | t3_23nopr | t5_2to41 | 8 | Firtree8: TIFU by deleting 4 years worth of photos off my dads phone.
So I was browsing Reddit upstairs while my little brother was doing homework downstairs when he needed some help with uploading a picture of himself for a school project. So I went downstairs and he took a picture of himself on my dads phone and needed me to upload it to the computer because he didn't know how to. So I get my USB cord out, plug the phone into my computer, and export the photo from my dads phone. Well I remembered thatbhe had some photos I wanted to post on Facebook from a while ago so I exported all of the pics. Well while doing this I somehow moved aa file from my computer to somewhere in his SD card and I couldnt find it so I just shrugged it off thinking it was going to be fine oh how wrong I was. I finished with my brothers pic he wanted and went on my way. 20 minutes later my dad comes up and asks me why his SD card is blank and why it wants him to format it. I started freaking out plugged it back up onto my computer but my computer wouldn't detect the SD card and all his pictures are gone. I apologized to him and now I feel like an asshole. He's going to Verizon and seeing if they could recover the pictures. TL:DR: accidentally moved a file to my dads phone from my computer, which caused the SD card to not work on my dads phone then my dad formatted his SD card and erased all his pictures....
turtlesarerad14: But aren't the photos on your computer?
Firtree8: Oh that's the thing for some reason it only exported 5 photos.
turtlesarerad14: Oh :( good luck! sorry that happened to you.
| 4 | 2 | |
1398148561 | 1398297823 | t3_23nsim | t5_2to41 | 18 | Kofcandre: TIFU by accidentally scaring a young black guy outside Target
9:30 pm dark Target parking lot, I had bought my son a tee ball set and was playing around and turned the corner and it must have looked like I was about to hit him, he raised his hands like I'm not armed, I smiled and said sorry just horsing around.
ssjkriccolo: Sounds like a hate crime, child abuse, and sexist.
Kofcandre: Hate crime maybe, but not child abuse he was home asleep I had just stopped off at Target to get a few things on my way home. Sexist? just a couple of guys in the target parking lot and a big orange plastic bat.
MelanisticPolarBear: I think he's trying to be sarcastic.
4THOT: No, TIFU comments are serious business
jroth005: FINALLY someone I agree with on Reddit.
| 6 | 3 | |
1398167025 | 1398189014 | t3_23o6go | t5_2to41 | 21 | Count_Freebase: TIFU by vomiting on and assaulting some guy peacefully having a turd.
I don’t know if this is the right place for this, but a while ago I was on a night out with about 6 of my male friends. We all are/were in the army at some stage and know each other pretty well as we all did our training at the same time. We were drinking quite a lot and about 11:30 we went to a nightclub we were drunk, but not hammered; still functioning individuals –we weren’t at the obnoxious messy stage, we could still laugh, joke and make sense, but the decision-making was getting worse and our language was pretty lewd at this stage.
So we pay, ditch our coats and one of us goes to the bar and gets a round of Flaming Ferrari’s. I have no idea why we seem to go for these drinks. They’re made of white and dark rum and blue curacao liqueur. They’re two shots in total; you ignite it and suck it through a plastic straw. So I did it with everyone else. I’m shit at shots and spirit alcohol anyway – I really struggle to keep it down and the effect of the mixed rum and the curacao instantly made me feel like I was going to be sick. I could feel the saliva pouring in my mouth and waves of nausea through my body; I knew I was going to vomit and there was nothing I could do to control it. I also knew it was coming soon so I ran into the mens loo and was hoping I would make it into a stall in time before being sick.
I should mention that we were in a bit of a rough nightclub. Not dangerous, but cheap. Sticky floors, fat girls in leopard-print dresses. It was Infernos in Clapham, London UK, if that means anything to you. So I run in and there were two shitty, black MDF stalls and the floor was soaked in piss.
All the doors on the stalls were closed. Like I said, I was drunk and was making bad decisions and I *really* didn’t want to be sick anywhere else other than into porcelain so I rather forcefully pushed the doors of each cubicle to make sure that it was actually occupied.
The door on the second one must have had a broken lock as although it was closed, when I shoved it it flung wide open and there was some poor (probably drunk) guy having a shit, and if you’re having a shit at a night-club you’re having a bad time anyway as people piss all over the seat and the pre-poo admin you have to do is disgusting.
I’m not a big man, but I shoved this guy’s door open mid-shit which was surprising for him to say the least. He didn’t say anything when it happened as I imagine he was a bit drunk too, but he was visibly shocked; we had eye contact for a split-second before I couldn’t hold it back and I violently vomited right into his lap, coating his right leg and trousers.
I heaved about 4 times before this guy came to his senses and started to say ‘WHAT THE FUCK!’ I’m not at all violent, I think I’ve only ever been in two fights in my life and generally I don’t initiate aggression **at all** but in my drunk mind I realised what I’ve done, that this man was getting aggressive and I knew that if someone had just vomited all over me I would be fucking furious, so honestly believing this I was about to rightfully get the shit knocked out of me I punched him as hard as I could in the face to pre-empt it and make a getaway. It was a proper arm-back piston punch right in the cheek.
I didn’t stick around, got my coat and left ASAP, I was shitting it that whilst I got my coat a bouncer would put his hand on my shoulder and I would end up getting arrested. I made it out without fuss, but I was sweating it.
This poor guy, having to have a shit in a nightclub anyway, gets vomited on and then assaulted by a drunk. He probably spent 10 minutes scrabbling around in the piss and vomit. I am **so** fucking sorry.
Saxopwn: I've definitely seen this story before somewhere. Maybe as a greentext?
Tatamitom: I think I read this on bash.org (irc quote database), back in the day. I don't think this is original.
edit: [yes, I did, although it's considerably shorter](http://bash.org/?608100)
spring_azure: I dunno man, maybe it happened twice?
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1398170013 | 1398173231 | t3_23o9io | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU I bike to school everyday and live on the 3. floor
I have my bike in my apartment and use the elevator every day to transport it up and down.
So this morning I brought my bike into the elevator and shut the door. Nothing happened as I pressed the button, i kept on pressing it and still nothing happened. I open and closes the elevator door several times to make sure it was closed probably.
I then realise I have been pressing button for 3. floor instead of the basement and as I pressed that the elevator started to move.
I spent around 5 min. doing this...
YouDoneMessedUpAAron: I didn't know there was such thing as a 3th floor.
[deleted]: dear diary tifu
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1398176385 | 1399328680 | t3_23ohod | t5_2to41 | 459 | tiramisucheese: TIFU by letting my 5th graders touch my dirty underwear.
I am SO mortified. I've seriously never been more embarrassed in my life.
I teach 5th grade band. We had a little competition today with prizes for the first section that has everyone in their seat and ready to go first. Naturally, I shoved a whole bunch of prizes into a random bag in the early hours of the morning before I left for the day.
The low brass won. Great! I always do prizes as a blind bag, so the kids are reaching in and feeling around to pull out a toy/bookmark/pencil/whatever. Halfway through the section, a kid pulls out my lacy purple underwear, along with a toy duck. My eyes bulged out of my head, and I quickly swiped the underwear back into the bag. There were still a few kids that had to go, so I prayed harder than I ever have in my life that nobody else would feel like grabbing that nasty piece of fabric for their prize.
**TL;DR Little 5th grade tubas and trombones felt up my laundry bag.**
WeekendHero: Only tubas and trombones? No euphoniums/baritones? What a sad sad band... (says the euphonium player)
euphoniumguy: Right? What's a band without a handsome euphonist to save all the hot flutists from the trombonists' raunchy jokes? (Though we still laugh at all woodwinds behind their backs)
Jasondazombie: *unshoulders trombone* Hey! We do laugh at woodwinds though.
euphoniumguy: Can you look me in the eyes and honestly tell me that you have never made a trom*boner* joke? ;)
tiramisucheese: I can't. Jazz band rehearsal is the worst. So many missed opportunities.
TheIronMark: How can you tell which kids at the park belong to a trombone player? They can't swing and don't know how to use the slide.
Jasondazombie: OH MY FUCKING GOD, WHEN I INVENT A TIME MACHINE, IT WILL BE USED TO KILL THE MAN WHO INVENTED FORMATIONS.
| 8 | 57.375 | |
1398137292 | 1398324547 | t3_23nfb0 | t5_2to41 | 88 | Stellapacifica: TIFU (well, my roommate did) by printing the entire Adobe EULA instead of her presentation notes
So she's been working the whole weekend on this huge project, compiling everyone in the group's notes into a massive presentation. This morning, in a bit of a rush for the bus, she printed out what she thought were 8 pages on Hawaiian history and the influence of Idek what. When she got to class (and this is the bit where, telling me the story just now, she started getting a little crazy around the eyes) she had exactly 8 pages of Adobe terms & conditions, formatted surprisingly similarly to her painstakingly formatted notes. I had to hold in my laughter for fear of, having started, not being able to stop it.
The best part? All that formatting and compiling meant she ended up knowing plenty of the material by heart to ace the presentation.
redupp44: How the *hell* did she get the Adobe EULA?
Stellapacifica: I honestly don't know. She says she opened the document with Reader after downloading from Gdocs as a pdf, and it came up with a new ToS and the buttons Accept, Decline, Print; so without thinking she clicked Print. I guess I understand the thought train... came here to print, thing says print, voila.
| 3 | 29.333333 | |
1398185020 | 1398185981 | t3_23ovlm | t5_2to41 | 3 | thr0eaw3igh: TIFU by making a friend have to write a(nother) 300 word essay in another language.
TIFU literally just 45 min. ago in what may not seem like a big deal in the grand scheme of things. But I still want to get it off my chest since I still feel bad about it.
My friend and I are in first year Chinese at [insert Midwest university name here] and we both had a 300 char. essay that we have to memorize and hand in a few days from now as our oral final.
So my friend just got back from a grueling Chinese speaking contest at [insert another Midwest University 3 hours away] which she prepared for (with the help of our professors) for a couple of weeks. So she asked her professor whether she can use the speech for that. Now here is where I come in...
I was sitting right behind her when this happened and the professor and his assistant were debating this. In an (honestly duckish in hindsight) attempt to be funny by scaring my friend, I said, "Hey [Insert Prof. Name here]! You know...you can when in doubt say no...!! *in a slightly gay singsong-y voice*"
Turns out...they refused and my friend is PISSED at me as I more probably than not influenced their decision to not let her. So she, on top of studying for a Chem test (fuck Chem by the way) and a writing a paper for a liberal arts class I honestly forgot what was called all for later this week, has to deal with making another 300 word essay she has to memorize even after spending 30+ hours the past two weeks doing pretty much that for the contest.
You know, it might not seem like a big deal (especially after reading FUOTW before posting) but I really feel like TIFU by putting another thing on her already filled plate, throwing 30+ hours of her effort (not entirely) down the drain all because of I'm a dick, and also that she is refusing to talk to me right now.
unclefisty: Check your school honor code/ rulebook and ill be you find a rule that says all homework submissions have to be original works and not resubmissions. Though they might have allowed something not submitted to the school.
thr0eaw3igh: It through an independent event that my Prof. decided to get involved in so it definitely wasn't against school policy. It was entirely up to the Prof.
| 3 | 1 | |
1398187643 | 1398219165 | t3_23p02z | t5_2to41 | 2,677 | babyjesuz: X:post from /r/funny TIFU How I had to switch schools NSFW
So this shit happened to me when I was about thirteen years old. I was really retarded / stupid / immature at that time.
Me and my friends (three of us) always had some sort of phase. Like slapping eachother, suckerpunching nutsacks, etc... Retarded shit. But the current phase was that what we were doing was basically farting in our palms and pressing the palm to your friends nose so he smells the fart...
One day, I was generating major stinkers, the real stuff... So I intend in class to fart as silently as I can into my palm and sneak-palm to my friends face.
What actually happened is that a real bomb in my pants suddenly appeared. So as the class was turning to look at me in shock surprise, in that split second. I realized, I couldn't rush my hand out of my pants... Because... I had squirted wet shit in my palm.
I was literally holding onto the diarrhea so it wouldn't splash all over my undies. I grabbed onto it like holding on for dear life. This longest second of my life was interrupted by a guy in class that spoke loudly. "Are you fingering yourself?" in a teasing loud tone... Shocked be recent events and the question, dead silence came over the classroom like a heavy mist chocking out all the air. Seconds later, roaring laughter started to appear as the whole classroom exploded in some sort of crazed euphoria. Realizing there was only one thing to do, I rushed out the door to the bathroom still cupping the poop in my undies. Cleaned my hands ... Fetched my schoolbag and switched schools.
TiedAU: Reset the counter
[deleted]: Why is the counter not in the sidebar?
The counter really ought to be in the sidebar.
Dfry: We pretty much reset it daily. Maybe we should measure it in minutes?
Saicotic: I saw it hit 3 once. I think that was during a finals week.
[deleted]: is it a literal counter, or just a tifu thing. if it is a literal counter, where is it?
ordona: It used to be an actual counter in the sidebar, but required moderator interaction to change and it was becoming a daily hassle.
LawrenceLongshot: Just put it back there and have it always say zero, that'll be accurate enough.
[deleted]: i will happily take on any moderator duties neccasary to bring it back
[deleted]: I want to be the sole shit counter mod.
I volunteer as tribute.
| 10 | 267.7 | |
1398190223 | 1398349391 | t3_23p4of | t5_2to41 | 82 | tammerlian: TIFU by looking at a TIFU in class
I was sitting in my history class today at school today casually browsing through TIFU and enjoying a few laughs during class, nothing major. Well without my knowledge the assistant teacher came up behind me as i was reading http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/23mu4v/tifu_by_posting_a_link_for_porn/ and of course all she says is porn. So in the middle of class she says "That is not something you should be looking at during school on the school's laptop, get off of it right now!" I of course close my laptop as my face is bright red with embarrassment. Now like any normal class everyone wants to know what i was looking at, and i guess on of the kids who sits by me in class told everyone i was looking at porn during class and getting a giant hard on or something. So now everybody in the whole school thinks im some kind of giant pervert who watches porn during class. Just amazing right? Well i then get called down to the office because i guess the principal had caught wind of it somewhere in school, and i then had to sit there as she went through my laptop's history because she thought i was fapping in class or something well watching hardcore porn on the school laptop. They even called in the school cop for some reason! Afterwards when she didn't find anything i explained to her what had actually happened and she was really cool about it but i think she's gonna be keeping an eye on me now... fml
TL;DR: Read a TIFU during class with a bad title, got caught by teacher who read the title wrong, and ended up almost getting into a ton of trouble and expelled
kinda_alone: If its any consolation, now your entire school knows about us. Thanks for the free advertisement! (in all seriousness, glad the principal understood)
tammerlian: I didn't think about that :) now im just worried they'll block reddit on the school wifi or something X_X
Cancani: If they do block it on wifi then make a hotspot with your phone and connect your computer to it.
tammerlian: Thats too expensive with data. Plus my phones service provider charges extra for hotspot usage. its bs
| 5 | 16.4 | |
1398193704 | 1398197345 | t3_23paqt | t5_2to41 | 62 | pdrock7: TIFU by accidentally kicking my buddy's gf in the gooch
So this was actually on Sunday, but close enough. My buddy and I went out to watch the Bruins game around 3 o'clock and started drinking heavily. Our gfs (who are roommates) joined us at around 6 o'clock and we were all drinking together. At about 9 we decided to check out another bar, my buddy and his gf walking in front of me and my gf.
My buddy starts giving his girl a piggy back ride about 5 feet in front of us, and I decide it's the perfect chance for a whiskey induced undeserved thunderous nut shot. I line up like a football punter, take a three step skip to get momentum and at the exact point of no return, he puts his gf down. I kicked her so hard that it literally hurt my foot.
After profusely apologizing she said I caught her thigh (not true in the least) and I've felt absolutely awful around her ever since. Next time we're drunk, I think I'll let her get a free kick in.
Prepare_To_Be_Woo-ed: >Next time we're drunk, I think I'll let her get a free kick in
What makes you think she's going to wait to give you a random nut shot?
CouldBeSavingLives: Or warn him in advance and let him prepare himself
pdrock7: Relevant user name sir
| 4 | 15.5 | |
1398196140 | 1398201406 | t3_23peyl | t5_2to41 | 8 | azach930: TIFU by getting blackout drunk at the beach
So this happened over the weekend, not today. I was at the beach with a group of friends from school, and large amounts of alcohol were present. I had been drinking throughout the day and had a steady buzz going; I was feeling good. I met a girl there that day that was invited by someone else in the group and we hit it off pretty well. We sat talking for awhile and were drinking together. Around this time a bunch of my guy friends wanted to start shotgunning beers and I joined them. I was already pretty drunk at this point and we shotgunned at least 4-5 times consecutively. Then, I blacked out. I managed to get home with the help of my roommate and woke up the next morning to some bad news. While blackout I decided to go in the water with my iPhone in my pocket, which completely destroyed it. I also lost my RayBan sunglasses, most likely in the water. The worst news is that my roommate talked to the girl I had been flirting with, and she said she would have hooked u if I hadn't been so drunk. My roommate says I drank at least a whole case of beer myself. In the end I had to spend a few hundred bucks on a new phone, lost expensive sunglasses and missed a chance to laid. I fucked up.
TL;DR: Blacked out, broke phone, didn't get laid.
Tastowe: You are total dumb to bring your iPhone go to jump in the beach. Next time you should not to bring your iPhone to beach and drink.
Kilo_Papa: But how is the facebook community going to know of this great time op and 12 people he knows are having?
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1398196459 | 1398281764 | t3_23pfi0 | t5_2to41 | 19 | rimmyrim: TIFU by putting on a wristband
So I live in an apartment complex in a college town and our next door neighbors are my good friends. Well I walked over there this morning to see what they're up to and one of them, we'll call Dan, had just gotten his Hangout music fest wristband in the mail. For those who don't know, this is a three day long music festival in Gulf Shores, AL. Not thinking that I was about to put myself into a dick caught in Chinese finger trap situation, I slipped it onto my wrist and tightened the draw string. Whoever designed these wristbands for the festival is a smart son of a bitch because once tightened, it has teeth inside that prevent you from loosening it again so that people can't pass them back to friends or resell them. Did I mention he paid $200 for this piece of cloth? So here I am sitting with this Hangout fest band on my wrist, out two benjamins to my angry friend, contemplating if I should cut it off or go to the festival.
TL;DR: Put on a non-removable wristband and lost $200.
Nuninho: Hey mate, that's gonna be an easy one.
Me and my friends used to share this kind of wristbands all the time.
Basically you just grab the loose end and roll it and roll it and roll it as much as you can.
This will make it quite small and thin.
At this point, you just carefully pull the plastic thing up and it'll come out without damaging the wristband.
rimmyrim: This is the exact technique I used to get it off. Unfortunately the Hangout fest bands have a RFID scan chip in them so I won't be able to sneak in with it.
Nuninho: Well, at least you didn't have to buy a new one ;)
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1398200237 | 1398289539 | t3_23pm2h | t5_2to41 | 65 | electricwhisper: TIFU by spraying a chemical into my cats face and eyes.
I was in the bathroom and getting ready for class when I noticed the litter box smelled pretty gross. It's the kind that is covered, so keep that in mind. Being in a hurry whilst also suffering from chronic laziness, I grabbed this bottle of deodorizer specifically for litter boxes (cat piss in a small apartment... I'm sure you understand) and sprayed away until the smell let up. However, I didn't check to see if the litter box was occupied first. BIG MISTAKE. My little girl was in there, minding her own business, trying to take a leak, when suddenly a cloud of strongly smelling chemicals assaulted her. The thing is, she didn't make ANY sound or signal that she was in there, and I kept spraying away and boy was she DRENCHED. When she exited the box and I realized what I had done, a wave of pure horror swept over me as I realized that I had just doused my beloved pet with a burning chemical. I quickly placed her in the bathtub and rinsed it out of her fur, face, and eyes. She was NOT happy about that part, but it had to be done... Now she is sitting on the arm of the chair next to me, pisssed off and glaring at me through swollen eyelids as if I have committed an unspeakable atrocity. I feel so damn guilty.
SamanthaShira: I believe it was a mistake and I believe that you feel bad, but don't fuck up further by not taking her to the vet. Just like you would have to go to the doctor if you were injured and had swollen eyelids, so does she.
electricwhisper: I am taking her ASAP.
Sibire: Person who would bomb an orphanage before deliberately harm a cat here, while ya dun goofed, at least you're responsible. Just... Just watch yourself, next time you're in the bathroom. I work with cats, they have... *Methods...*
Tootsiesclaw: Stupid cats and their methods. Slowly puncturing you to death with their claws, then purry and innocent as soon as someone else is around.
| 5 | 13 | |
1396684531 | 1398272088 | t3_229bc9 | t5_2to41 | 9 | JordanAsshole: TIFU by watching Game of Thrones at work
So, I'm just sitting here at my second job [front desk at a hotel] doing the overnight shift and I had just downloaded season one of Game of Thrones on my laptop. I get going on a few episodes with very, very limited interruptions [I get little to no traffic on the overnights]
Anyway, its about 6am and my regulars have all already checked out and gone for the day so I get back to the show. I got really engrossed in it and didn't really realize that an elderly couple was coming up to the desk.
Now, I had the volume up a good bit due to the noise from the street so it was fairly audible through the lobby. It was right about the time that this elderly couple are almost to the counter and I sit up and begin to greet them. I hardly got "Good morning" out of my mouth when all that could be heard was one of the characters saying "You little cunt!"
I froze. I completely froze, half of a smile and utter embarrassment written across my face, staring at these old people who just heard someone being called a cunt on my laptop. The gentleman was polite enough about it but it seemed like his wife couldn't decide if she wanted to pray for me or have a heart attack or possibly do both at once. I could not apologize enough, and even then....that old lady shamed me every time she looked at me.
TL;DR: Somebody shouts cunt in the show while my laptop is playing at full volume with an elderly couple standing right there at the front desk.
donaldtrumpwinning: ha I think I know you what state?
JordanAsshole: Califronia
| 3 | 3 | |
1398206550 | 1398211994 | t3_23pwmd | t5_2to41 | 68 | Cheese_Alchemist: TIFU by picking a nose scab
(I originally posted this to /r/ wtfdidijustread- still learning the ropes of reddit)
Yesterday morning as I woke up, my nose itched. As any normal person would do, I scratched it. However as I scratched I hit a giant hardened patch of snot stuck to the inside of my nose. As I pulled my finger out it ripped the snot right out tearing my precious nose tissue. I paused for a moment while still laying in bed when I felt a warm trail start to leak out of my nose. I thought it would just be a drip but then it started running. I cupped one of my hands so it wouldn't soak my entire bed. This didn't work for long since my hand started to reach it's holding capacity. I carefully stepped out of my bed and my hand full of blood began running over and spilling onto the floor. I started freaking out at this point because I didn't know how to keep it contained and it was gushing everywhere. I tried to make a beeline out of my room holding my overflowing blood demon to my bathroom but stopped since the floor to the bathroom was all carpet. I didn't think I would be able to scrub the blood out of the carpet so I took my hand and smeared it all over my stomach. I ran to the bathroom and immediately began to wash of my bloddy body when my mother stepped in. She saw me and began screaming thinking I was stabbed or something. My father runs in and I sneeze, splattering blood all over the mirror. My father tried dragging me to the car to take me to the ER but I started yelling that it was just a nosebleed. Both my parents stopped and stared at me then just looked at me like "What the FUCK!?" I then had to spend half an hour cleaning all of my bloody mess off of everywhere. Tl;dr I get a horrible nosebleed and make my parents think I got shot.
RaiExe: Why didn't you, you know, pinch your nose like it's bleeding?
Maxillaws: That doesn't always work.
A similar thing happend to me at 2 in the morning. Apparently I had scratched my nose in my sleep and when I woke up I just thought it was runny. So naturally I kept rubbing it and eventually fell asleep. I woke up at 2:30 and it was still running, at this point I finally decided to go to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror and my face was drenched in blood, so I pinched the bridge but it was still bleeding after 15 minutes. I then decided to try and blow my nose, I held the non bleeding side shut and blew it into a piece of toilet paper, and out came a huge blood clot. After that was out my nose stopped bleeding.
TL:DR Blew a blood clot out of my nose and bleeding stopped
RaiExe: Pinching the nostrils would have kept the blood from escaping although you would be swallowing a bit of it until you got to the bathroom. I broke my nose when I was little and that's what I did. But hey, to each their own.
Maxillaws: I'd rather have blood on my clothes than swallow that amount of blood. I do sleep with a shirt on so I could let it drip on that, sounds like OP didn't have a shirt
| 5 | 13.6 | |
1398211169 | 1398214562 | t3_23q3s9 | t5_2to41 | 56 | Wevegotbigballz: TIFU by buying guitar picks.
I went to a new music shop I've never been to before. I'm used to buying two packs of strings and a bulk of guitar picks. I share my debit card/bank card/credit card on my mom's account and she told me I could charge it on credit because it usually rings up to around $40. So I went in and grabbed my strings and an assortment of about a handful of picks (about 30) and haphazardly handed the lady my card not paying attention to the price.
I got home and all was fine.
... Until my mom got her credit bill a bit later and I spent over $80 on my guitar supplies. I went back to the store to investigate and I see their highway robbery price of $1 per pick and almost shit myself. As I returned home my mom ranted to me about responsibility and blah blah blah and took my card. I'm a senior in highschool.
TL;DR I went to the new music store. Got ripped off by a crazy price of $1 per guitar pick (didn't find out until afterwards). Shit myself. Got my credit card taken away.
xTastlesSWateRx: Those picks better be made out of Jimi Hendrix's bones.
Wevegotbigballz: Sadly they were just .88 Tortex Dunlop picks
xTastlesSWateRx: Why were they so expensive? You can buy a twelve pack for like $4.51.
Wevegotbigballz: My point exactly.
I bet the owner was like, "Fuck logic. I'm charging a shit-ton for these picks."
Kenny__Loggins: Well... It seems to be working out for him.
| 6 | 9.333333 | |
1398208595 | 1398228284 | t3_23pzsk | t5_2to41 | 47 | [deleted]: TI(Almost)FU by renting a house from a Nigerian Prince.
So my girlfriend, roommate, and I had been looking for a new place since our lease will be up at the end of June. We came across this house that was big 3 bedroom 1.5 bath, loft, office, den, remodeled kitchen, and a big living room. The rent for this place was 700 which is pretty cheap but not to out of the ordinary because I live in the middle of Wisconsin. My girlfriend is the one who did all the research and this guy responds saying he and his wife are in malaysia doing charity work and are renting their house until they return. Sounded pretty reasonable, until today. My girlfriend gets an email from this person and says that the house is still available and would like us to put some money down so they can hold the house for us. Still this sounds reasonable. He said that he wants us to wire-transfer money to his wifes account in Lagos Nigeria. At this point red flags are all up and the deal is off for me, but my girlfriend still wants to give him the benefit of the doubt. So I look up nigerian craigslist rental scams and pull up a link posted by the better business bureau and there is a text saying what the scammers send and the text is exact word for word from what they sent us. The whole time my girlfriend was getting mad at me for stressing over something that wasn't true and looks like I get to gloat a little on this one.
blinkML: do yourself a favour and handle your joint finances yourself from now on
Cougs67: No kidding. Anyone who didn't see red flags all over as soon as they wanted money wired to Nigeria should not be trusted with the bills
| 3 | 15.666667 | |
1398202873 | 1398266888 | t3_23pqo8 | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting naked in front of a close family friend [Past event, I was 6 at the time]
Hey. I just wanted to share one of the largest fuck ups in my life (as a child). Keep in mind that I was six at the time. [I am a male, the friend is a female]
So there was a cookout at our house for all of our family friends, since our family needed help moving our shed across the yard. There were few kids, and all of the adults hung out on the deck downstairs. I, being my bored six year old self, was wandering the house, when I saw the female child of one of our family friends (she was six at the time as well) upstairs sitting on the couch.
After a brief, brief conversation, my fuck up began. I asked her something along the lines of, "Do you know how I get ready to take a bath?" She replied no, so I offered to show her. Without waiting for a response, I began taking all of my clothes off and explaining why, how, all of the details (ex. "First, I take off my shirt"). By the time I was completely butt-naked, my front facing her, she was slightly creeped out and was moving away.
This is where the consequences for the fuck up began. I hadn't realized that my aunt was upstairs in one of the bedrooms talking on the phone, since I was so "caught up" in showing my friend how I get undressed to take a bath. However, my friend heard the talking and yelled for her "help". I quickly began putting my clothes back on when I realized what was going to happen, but it was too late. The aunt came, saw what was going on, and the rest is history.
EDIT: TL;DR: I was six and stupid and got nekkid in front of my close family friend. Awkwardness obviously ensued.
stormsend: Mate I spent more time naked at 6 than I did clothed. I think I used any excuse to get rid of clothes in front of babysitters. If this is you fucking up as a six year old I think I have you matched on more than one occasion.
login_2: Agreed!! Heck, I'm 29 and I still find every excuse possible to get naked!! My wife too!! We've both said that if it wasn't so taboo we'd be nudists!
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1398209551 | 1399635359 | t3_23q1a2 | t5_2to41 | 19 | soopa96: TIFU by trying to run away from a spider in the bathroom
Let me preface this by saying that I have had a deathly fear of spiders for practically all of my life.
So today I was in my bathroom taking a much needed piss, when suddenly, next to the toilet, I see a huge ass motherfucking spider. Naturally, I got tense and was ready to run as soon as I was done peeing.
The bitch started moving.
As soon as that motherfucking bitch ass punk spider started to move, I screamed like a little girl, turned around and tried to haul ass (effectively spraying the whole bathroom in my piss) and ran straight into the door, crushing my nuts.
Fuck.
Sibire: Again, will someone *PLEASE TELL ME WHAT'S SO TERRIFYING ABOUT SPIDERS?!*
I played with black widows as a child, they're nothing to worry about.
[deleted]: Because they're creepy crawlies and just appear near you and scare the shit out of you.
Sibire: But they're cute...
::
-3
::
[deleted]: And you probably think that babies with harlequin ichthyosis are cute as well.
Sibire: What?! Eew, gross, fuck no!
I mean, seriously?
*Shudder*... Babies. Disgusting little bags of filth and noise...
[deleted]: > Disgusting little bags of filth and noise...
Well, yeah, I can agree.
I don't know why people want them so much.
| 7 | 2.714286 | |
1398214850 | 1398219327 | t3_23q9lg | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally buying something using my mothers credit card
i wanted black ops 2 for pc and i dont have a credit card yet, so i went to the supermarket with my mom and while she was shopping i bought a pre paid card without her knowing. fast forward to when i get home, i go on amazon and i wanted to know how much tax would be so before i put it in my card info i went and clicked on buy game. I had forgotten i had my moms credit card on file and it accidentally purchased to her credit card. i dont know what to tell her and im scared on how she is going to react considering she doesnt even know bought the gift card. i do have cash to compensate but shes def. gonna over react
Update: I told her about it and i explained what happened and she understood it was a mistake and she actually said i could keep the cash, essentially getting the game free! (for me atleast:)!) Thanks everybody for their suggestions!
domesticadventures: If you just did it, you should be able to cancel the order, then let your mom know what happened after you deal with it in case it shows up on her statement later. If you don't want her to know you bought your own prepaid card just tell her you wanted to see what the shipping and tax would be so you could save up for it or something like that, and you didn't intend to complete the purchase.
[deleted]: sadly it was a digital purchase, and i know im gonna have to tell her before the bank statement comes, but like i said shes def. gonna flip
[deleted]: Say you were adding it to your amazon wishlist or some shit and accidentally clicked "one click buy" or whatever that newfangled feature is.
Just tell her right away and say you're looking for a way to return it. Or ask her to help look for a way to return it. If there's really no option (don't digital purchases have so much damn DRM that they could essentially disable the shit?), then at least she'll probably see it as an accidental buy. I mean, you *did* already have her cc info loaded in. Assuming that you were allowed to have it before, it's a legit story.
I've accidentally fucked up just about each detail of the Amazon checkout process at some point or other, and I'm supposedly an adult. Old cards. Old apartments shipped to. Wrong item. Duplicate items.
[deleted]: she forgave me!
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1398213172 | 1398359482 | t3_23q6yf | t5_2to41 | 5 | TIFU_omegle: TIFU By Sexting with a 17 year old on Omegle, then texting her.
Today, I, an american male in his 20s, really fucked up.
I got high and went on Omegle, as one does. I end up sexting with this girl, who does not immediately disclose her age.
She tells me she's 17 but turning 18 in a couple of months, and she gave me her number. I shot her a text message to say that I got it and that when I pass through her city (after she's 18) we should hang out.
She sent me an explicit text (not an image, just text) and I said that we can't do that. I've been very firm with her over texts that I can't do anything sexual with her (no meeting up, sending explicit messages over the phone, etc) at least until her birthday, *if* we ever do anything again.
Now that I've sobered up, I realize just how stupid I was by continuing to communicate with this girl. Hell, I don't want to get sexually involved with an 18 year old (too much emotional stuff to deal with). I feel terrible now that I've kind of led her on, and I'm terrified that someday this is going to come back to bite me in the ass.
I do not know how to proceed.
[deleted]: 16 is legal in a lot of states so in the eyes of the law you are not guilty.
ViolentThespian: Not true. Her parents get pissed, one call to the cops and he's ruined for the rest of his life.
[deleted]: Not true. If it is legal in his state the cops will laugh.
ViolentThespian: Situations like this tend not to favor the older party, especially if they're male.
| 5 | 1 | |
1398212176 | 1399061290 | t3_23q5cd | t5_2to41 | 14 | allycat911: TIFU by accidentally motor-boating only guy friend.
Today I fucked up. So I was supposed to be taking a Liberty & Law test, but there was a substitute so I just got a free period. I was using my free time to draw in my sketchbook, but when I reached for my eraser I couldn't find it. I looked everywhere around me thinking that it had fallen off my desk at some point. I was getting aggravated because it was my good eraser. That’s when I heard my friend Brett chuckling beside me. I looked over only to see my eraser in his hand. I scowled at him, thrust my hand out and demanded that he give me back my eraser. He simply said “no,” then proceeded to laugh at the face I was making. I asked again, but he replied in the same manner. I could tell that this was going nowhere so I reached over meaning to just grab it out of his hand, but he pulled his arm away before I could. I repeated this action several times before I got really pissed and just grabbed his wrist. I used more force than I had meant to and wound up bringing Brett and his desk slamming into mine. I thought that in this new position that I’d be able to get the eraser out, but he had a pretty firm grip for a skinny, white boy. He tried to pull his arm back and I wound in his lap somehow. Despite the discomfort, I was determined to get my eraser and wound up pulling his arm around to the front of me. At the time I had not realized that my actions had resulted in trapping his arm between my breasts. I’m not going to lie, I have an unusually large pair of breasts for a girl my age and I had forgone a bra that day in order to wear my new strapless dress. So I’m basically motor-boating his arm while I squirm around in his lap trying to wrench the eraser from his grasp. He eventually loosens his hold and I yank my prized possession from his hand. I turn around to look at him with the intention of gloating about my victory, but when I see how red his face is I realize the position we had been in and I quickly jerk my desk away. My face had to have been redder than that of a sun burnt, communist lobster on its menstrual cycle. He asked me if I was okay, but I was too embarrassed to reply. I sit next to Brett for the first two periods of each day and since my wardrobe all consists of slightly inappropriate attire (i.e. low cut, revealing tops) I am now always extremely self-conscious around him. He’s a great friend that I would like to keep as a FRIEND, but thanks to my nosy friends and this here incident I’m afraid that our relationship is all screwed up now! The funniest part, however, is the fact that I have never been kissed yet I’ve made it second base now!
jiggy_fish: Show us your tits. If you're 18 of course.
allycat911: Sorry to disappoint, but I'm 19. So close bro!
jiggy_fish: Gonewild. Now.
tredlekrip: Ugh, typical reddit. Oh my gosh, a girl! Strip for us, it's the only contribution you can make!
jiggy_fish: You mentioned tits first.
tredlekrip: No she didn't. Not in a "look at mine!" sort of way. You're just grasping for straws.
jiggy_fish: Can you blame me?
tredlekrip: About halfway.
jiggy_fish: This is a burden I can live with.
| 10 | 1.4 | |
1398217301 | 1398264719 | t3_23qdeb | t5_2to41 | 22 | The-Pwnage-Man: TIFU by saying the N word in front of my crush in class.
I have had a crush on this girl in my chemistry class, Nicole, ever since I met her. She's one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen, blah blah, you pretty much get the ordeal of how I feel about her. Unfortunately, I'm an fat, ugly piece of shit, and I always fuck things up with girls I like. I would always make some awkward situation for the girl and me, so much so that the girl would never speak to me again and I would feel like a piece of shit forever. So, ever since I started high school, I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't talk to any girls flirtatiously unless they talked to me in that way. So being in science class with Nicole has been a test of self-control for myself. I first end up being lab partners with her, (in a group of four), for one unit during the first semester of school, just by chance. I have a tendency to make jokes and to try to be funny, (usually they are only funny to men). For some reason, Nicole actually found a lot of my jokes funny, which of course made me elated at the thought. But I still tried to keep interaction to a minimum, whenever I tried to talk to her, I would do so indirectly. In other words, I'll try to talk to one of my other lab partners about something, but keep the conversation open so she could join in if she felt. I never specifically sought her out in the group. Anyways, the unit we were doing also included a project about periodic table elements. Unfortunately, my lab group decided they didn't want to help with the project, so I ended up doing the entire thing by myself, and got us an A, IIRC. This obviously made Nicole, (and her friend Sylvia who was also in the lab group), happy to be my lab partner. She got good grades and some decent comedy out of the deal.
Fast forward to last class, it comes time to select lab groups. In order to keep my promise to myself and to not make it awkward between me and her, I was not going to choose her to be my partner. Oddly enough, (or I suppose *not* oddly enough, seeing as I did all the work for her previously), Nicole and Sylvia want me to be partners with them again. My first thought is to decline, but all the other groups were selected at this point, so I agreed. I also made sure to act like it wasn't a big deal to me, which I think I succeeded in doing. That last class I made sure to only talk passively to her, and to not make it out like I had a thing for her, and it went decently well, I said nothing terrible. I was proud of myself. Happy. Excited for what could come between her and I. Therein lies my mistake.
Fast forward to today, where I fucked myself big time. We were doing our labs, and I decided to me more active about my approach to talking to her since I did so decent the previous class. At first it was going *really* well, she was laughing at all my jokes, we were kinda touching each other, high fives, etc. For the first time in my life I felt like I was wanted somewhere. She actually seemed to enjoy spending her time with me. It was the best I had ever felt in my entire life, no exaggeration. Then she decides she wants to play a game. I forget the name of the game, but it was played like this: One player holds their hands palms facing up, the other player holds their hands palms facing downwards. The first player has to flip their hands over the second player's hands and hit the top of the second player's hand. The second player has to move their hands at the right time to make sure the first player doesn't hit their hands.
I was playing as player 2, holding my hands on top of her's. She flips her hands and hits mine, making me lose. Of course I decide I want to be funny. So instead of saying something normal like "darn" or "goddammit" I decide to say: ***"Ah, Niggers!"*** Please note I am white as can be and have a shitty voice to back it. As soon as I said it, before I even looked at her, the air around the lab group changed dramatically. This was the second I knew I fucked up. Her expression changed from giddy and smiley to weirded out. The same expression the girls used to have when I talked to them, before I made my promise to myself. Immediately I apologize, and she replies that "It's fine," but the damage was already done. I could see it in her eyes. I couldn't come back from that. All of that feeling of finally being happy, and feeling content reversed itself. I had felt even worse than I normally do. I felt deflated. Like I was worth nothing. I thought I always felt like that, but this was way worse. And just to add insult to injury, I accidentally touched her wrist when I was reaching for a flask a minute or two after that. So then I looked like I was trying to make like nothing happened.
*Ah, niggers?* ***Ah, niggers?*** Why did I have to say niggers? That didn't even make sense as an exclamation! !t was just offensive, let alone racist! She was okay with me using other swear words! Why did I have to say the worst word there is? How could I have said that? So I have felt like shit all day, way worse than normally. Is there even a way to come back so she's at least neutral about me? Today, I fucked myself in the worst way ever.
WPBDoc: "Nigger" is a horrible word, but seriously? "The worst word there is?" Just be honest with her...tell her is was wrong and apologize and let her know you learned your lesson and even joke about saying stupid things in the presence of beautiful women or something.
This politically-correct lexicon we've now developed where some words are off limits and some are acceptable and some can be said by some people but never by other people and some are nuclear and some are funny and some can get you fired and some will make you a hero depending on the setting is just INSANE. The lesson is we all just need to look for better ways to communicate without being hurtful, hateful or just ugly.
Lesson learned....don't beat yourself up over it and refocus on charming her with your other great qualities.
The-Pwnage-Man: Thanks for replying. I agree with you on your PC paragraph, but that doesn't make it not true, I still said a bad word. I don't know if it's worth apologizing for, I don't want to bring it up again. I apologized in the moment, for what it's worth. What I think will happen is that she will start to dislike me, but not even remember this situation occurred. And I'm still at the stage where I have never complimented her or told her how beautiful she was, so I don't want to make a joke about how I get anxious around hot women. Again, Thank you for your insight. =)
GuntherTime: Dude I'm black and I would've laughed my ass off at that. To be honest most black guys don't really care as long as they know you and your cool, it's when people throw the word around like it isn't shit (outside of our race) that we get a problem with it.
The-Pwnage-Man: I still used it, and she was still offended. Regardless, of your validation of my dumb joke, she was still offended. I definitely understand what you're saying though. (I did get the N-card from one black girl in my study hall class, but it hardly matters).
Jamiezz198: Just remember just because one person says you can use it doesn't matter. You say it around the wrong person they don't ask you who gave you your card. The only rule that works is just not to say it and avoid all problems that come with saying it.
The-Pwnage-Man: You're right. I should have kept it to myself.
| 7 | 3.142857 | |
1398223354 | 1398629579 | t3_23qmhs | t5_2to41 | 13 | Shibeinoo: TIFU by hitting a young wheel chair bound kid with a frisbee...
Okay, me and my friend were let out of class and were walking around the school while chatting, until we came across a lone frisbee in the grass. Naturally we started playing with said frisbee. Well I had the bright idea to see who can throw said frisbee the longest. She insisted I go first, so I did. I am an extremely competitive person, so I wanted to win this no matter what. I looked out and the coast was clear;no random wheelchair bound children in site. So I gave the frisbee a strong throw, putting all my muscle into it, because I had to win. I looked at my friend to see her face when she sees how far I threw that thing, but all I saw in her face was horror. I was confused so I looked back and saw why she looked petrified. The damn frisbee was heading right toward a wheelchair bound kid going to the damn short bus! The entire time I my mind was going "Shit shit shit shit....", and then it happened, the frisbee was a direct hit right on this kids head, there was a helper teacher by his side that screamed for me to come to her. To my luck the kid was not hurt besides a slight bruise and was really cool about the whole ordeal, but I still fucked up bad.
Marshie32: I can just imagine this as one of those moments where time slows down, you can see each and every rotation of the frisbee as it gets closer and closer to the target then boom, headshot.
xParaDoXie: I had no idea why the frisbee was getting bigger and bigger,
and then it hit me
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1398239609 | 1398366810 | t3_23r3e2 | t5_2to41 | 272 | [deleted]: TIFU by tearing the rotator cuff in my shoulder while masturbating
So this actually happened about 2 weeks ago. It was late at night and I was in the middle of my nightly ritual of jerking off before I take a shower and go to bed. I was on round 2, which takes a significantly longer amount of time to finish, when I felt myself coming close to the finish line. All of a sudden I felt a small pain in my shoulder. I wanted to shrug it off but it kept getting steadily more painful. I kicked it into 6th gear and triggered the NOS. I wasn't letting my shoulder get in the way of finishing THIS race. The euphoric feeling of climax immediately overwhelmed the small (so I thought) pain I felt and I felt like a champion, but as soon as the euphoria was gone my shoulder screamed with pain like white hot steel. I instantly knew I fucked up. Cursing under my breath I hopped in the shower and doused it in cold water. I tried to wash my hair, but I couldn't lift my arm without *searing* pain. After completely washing myself with my left hand, I dried myself off and went to bed.
A couple days passed and the pain was still there. It was constantly a dull aching pain but when my arm was in certain positions or angles it felt like I was being stabbed in the shoulder. I finally begrudgingly visited my primary care physician. I told him exactly what happened. He's a man, I'm a man, what is there to hide? He and I chuckled for a bit and sent me for an MRI and referred me to a pain specialist. I just saw the specialist Friday and he told me I'm gonna need surgery.
Thank god I got health insurance last year.
TL;DR: I found out what happens when you "get off" while on Mr. Bone's Wild Ride.
Clopping_now: Speaking as a masturbator... That doesn't seem possible! Just... How? There must have been a previous injury that just got aggravated and worsened, right? Or your muscle was malnourished or something?
Just... A healthy rotator cuff should not be *torn* by a jerk session... How vigorous are you?!
I'm not calling bull, I'm just impressed.
Cylinsier: > Speaking as a masturbator...
What a coincidence, I too am a masturbator! Small world.
Clopping_now: Weeeeeiiiiiirrrrrd!
fuck_the_DEA: There must be literally dozens of us!
Clopping_now: That's a bit optimistic... Let's go with tens.
| 6 | 45.333333 | |
1398236782 | 1398273151 | t3_23r16h | t5_2to41 | 137 | dailyfiber21: TIFU by eating an entire box of Fiber One bars
So the story begins when my mom went to the grocery store and got a couple boxes of fiber one bars amongst other things. Now i love fiber one bars (depending on the flavor), i believe the flavor was chocolate pretzel which is ridiculously delicious to me. So to continue she brings in all the groceries and i help her put them away as usual and i see that she got a box of my favorite fiber one bars. So i think to myself " later tonight i am going to absolutely destroy you". So progress throughout the night and i finally go get a fiber one bar a couple hours after dinner. And holy shit was it amazing, so amazing that i got up and went to go get a second one.
Basically this was the ongoing pattern until the entire box was gone, now i felt pretty shitty mainly because i had just eaten an entire box of fiber one bars but i didnt feel sick in any way i just felt fat. Now to clarify i was young and stupid and had no idea what fiber did to your body, and what it helped you do, but i sure figured that out.
So fast forward to school the next day, all was going well and i felt the same as i have always had. Until i got to 4th period, we were doing presentations that day so everyone was a little on edge, i had already gone so i wasnt to nervous. So about halfway through the class my stomach started to rumble, nothing serious just a little bit like it sometimes does around lunch time. So as the rumbiling continued i had to fart, problem was the class was completely silent as presentations were going on so i couldnt do it. The rumbling got more and more intense as the class progressed, farts were coming back and back and i again held it in. I was getting very worried because i honestly felt like i was running out of room in my stomach. The rumbling continued and i felt like my stomach was going to explode because i had to fart so bad, so i got up to go ask my teacher to go to the bathroom.
On the way out of my seat i let out the biggest fart i have ever had in my entire life, it honestly lasted for like 10 seconds but it felt like an eternity to me. Everyone began laughing, and i was completely embarrassed. I went up to my teacher and asked to go to the nurses office so i could go home. As i was walking farts were periodically slipping out beyond my control so i quickly walked to the office. Once i finally got the permission to leave school grounds and get to my car, i farted so many times on my cars seat that i had to clean it twice the nest day. So i finally get into my house and go to the bathroom and take one of the most satisfying shits i have ever taken.
TL;DR: ate an entire box of fiber one bars and farted loudly and frequently during presentations
Nuninho: You already had a driver's license but still didn't know what fiber does to your body?
When I was reading it I thought you were like 10.
smartalec98: The stupidity of some people amazes me. A 16 year old in my history class thought that Lance Armstrong was the first person in space.
cdnheyyou: Edit: maybe not.
msxenix: not even half. Neil Armstrong was the first man to step foot on the moon. Yuri Gagarin was the first man in space.
However, maybe one day Lance Armstrong will win the first Tour de Moon. Just hopefully he doesn't cheat this time.
| 5 | 27.4 | |
1398240837 | 1398290861 | t3_23r4b2 | t5_2to41 | 47 | TeenageButts: TMSFU by shitting, vomiting, and probably losing her job.
My sister just got off the phone with me and told me about her terrible night, and it is just destined to be here, so I will be telling this in her perspective.
I was hanging out with my friends when I started to not feel real good. We were just about to head out for some mexican food, when I said I wasnt feeling so good, but they convinced me to go anyway since I wasnt feeling too bad. Right after we get home I head straight for the toilet. I started shitting, but it felt like I really needed to puke, so I made myself puke a few times. I still felt like crap, so I decided to take a bath. It was not helping at all. It was making me feel worse. I just looked up at the ceiling, and thats when the unforced projectile vomit started. It was spraying everywhere. I get out of the bath butt naked and realize as I am vomiting, liquid shit is coming out of my ass. I am now vomiting and shitting all over the bathroom. I also have 5 roommates, and all of them just thought I was lightly puking while this was happening. This was probably a 4 hour spectacle in the bathroom.
I cleaned up everything in the bathroom and decide I should try to sleep it off. Bad idea. I slept for about an hour or so, but woke up again to vomit, and realized I shit the bed while sleeping. I can barely move now, and moving any part of my or coughing will probably induce the shit/vomit storm again. So now the smell of shit and vomit has spread through out the house for all my roommates and their guests to sense.
What makes it even worse, is that lately my boss has been telling me I havent been doing enough work, and that I am doing the bare minimum. Shes been getting kind of mad at me, and she told me tomorrow that she wants to have a private meeting about how I have been doing and progressed. It is 1 AM right now and I can already tell I still wont be well enough to go to work. I also know that if I call in and say I cant come in, I will most definitely be fired.
TLDR; Didnt feel well, made myself vomit, created huge shit storm and projectile vomit, shit the bed, can't call sick or else I will get fired.
milofelix: Tell her to get to the fucking hospital. She can't get fired if she getting treatment for what sounds like dysentery. Also she should collect samples for her boss as proof. No one us gonna argue when you slap a Ziploc full of barfpoop on their desk.
biladi79: How do you know it's Dysentery? Sounds like just food poisoning. Genuinely curious, I mean I'm not a doctor so I probably couldn't tell the difference
milofelix: I basically said the worst thing I could think of with the same symptoms to be more dramatic. It most likely was food poisoning.
biladi79: Oh. Lawl. I feel stupid now x)
| 5 | 9.4 | |
1398247732 | 1400735245 | t3_23r9ap | t5_2to41 | 2,644 | legendofstooph: TIFU by attaching the wrong document to my job application
It's 5am and I can't sleep because suddenly my inner productivity has surfaced and I am on fire. I cleaned my entire room and I'm still going. I need more. I cannot stop.
So I've been procrastinating on writing a cover letter for my dream job for a few days now, I just never felt inspired enough. But I was feeling it. It was like Shakespeare launched himself in a trebuchet of eloquence into my cover letter. I was getting this job. This job was mine. I might as well just strut in the office right now and claim my place. I got this IN THE BAG. So, in a wave of confidence, as I have Miley Cyrus blaring, I'm dancing while typing and clicking with maximum attitude as I attach the documents.
Submit. Done.
I'm singing a little song and whipping my hair when I hear a tiny little ding. Confirmation email. They received my email, damn right they did. But just for shits let's double check how much I absolutely killed this application. I am feeling more confident than Kanye West.
Alright all the info is good. Attachments: I got Resume.pdf **sweet**, c...*chicken.pdf*?
Instead of attaching my cover letter I attached [this](http://isotropic.org/papers/chicken.pdf)
Reddit, I dun fucked up.
TL;DR: I attached a document that says chicken hundreds of times to my dream job instead of my cover letter.
**Update:** did not get the job, HR responded that they did infact get a couple laughs but the position has been filled by a more "suitable candidate". darn.
the1gordo: It's not over yet. Just email them back (or better call someone if you know who to speak to) and say you attached the wrong document and include your cover letter.
What you sent isn't offensive just a bit silly and is easily explained away. Don't stress too much and definitely don't give up.
[deleted]: "In reference to my application, I am sure that it has become obvious that I made a mistake when attaching the necessary files.
I apologize for attaching an opus on chickens. Although my excitement to fill a position I strongly feel is perfect for both me and your company betrayed my usual attention to detail, I am also willing to admit mistakes and proactively resolve them without being a chicken. I attach my cover letter for your consideration. Thank you again and please accept my apologies. I hope my error and embar**r**assment at least made someone in HR laugh.
Bock regards,
thelegendofstooph"
legendofstooph: Emailed him that exact response with my actual cover letter. Hahaha, lets hope im not completely fucked.
RosaParksandRec: Please provide a follow-up on how this turns out!
legendofstooph: Update: did not get the job, HR responded that they did infact get a couple laughs but the position has been filled by a more "suitable candidate". darn.
RosaParksandRec: Bullshit. You were more suitable than any of those bitches.
legendofstooph: right? they don't know what they're missing ~ hairflip ~
| 8 | 330.5 | |
1398262458 | 1398399081 | t3_23ro6y | t5_2to41 | 57 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting my friend suck my dick.
I've gone and done it gang.
So I got this friend I hang out with now and again, shes fun to drink beer and play cribbage with and whatnot. We had class together, and she happens to work across the street from my house. I'm recently single and she knows this.
We've never hooked up before (although she has tried), and I'd never really wanted to. Anyways fast forward to last night, I'm on my second bottle of wine and this chick comes over. After watching some nerdflix I decide its time for me to go to bed. She joins me, and I drunkenly accept.
One thing leads to another and this girl is boppin' on my wiener like the Warriors on the Baseball Furies. I tell her I'm gonna finish and should grab something. She wants it in her mouth. After she says "I've only swallowed once before, I wanted it to be special." Ding ding red flag!
This girl is going to be creeping out alleyways, cape fear style under my car. damn. that. was. dumb.
SouthernMurican: Man up and be honest. Explain that you don't want a relationship. Problem solved.
grundlebuster: hahahaha
drphilthy: He knows it's not gonna work like that.
Sibire: > He knows it's not gonna work like that.
Cue the torrent of Spacedicks yelling "FAGGET!" at the tops of their lungs.
PM_ME_A_KNEECAP: Spacedicks?
Sibire: /r/Spacedicks
You're welcome.
PM_ME_A_KNEECAP: ...I refuse to click on that.
| 8 | 7.125 | |
1398261116 | 1398266540 | t3_23rmed | t5_2to41 | 20 | hc0708: TIFU by watching porn with high volume and masturbating at home
Hi fellow redditors, this shit just happened an hour ago. It is one of the most embarrasing moment of my life so far. im 22 this year, working as an engineer, living with my family ( including my cousins, aunty )
When i get back to home from my office. I remembered that i have a new porn in my laptop that i havent had the chance to watch it. At that point of time, my family decided to go out to the grocery store. As an opportunist i saw this as the golden opportunity to start masturbate.
Now, as a pro masturbator ( 10 years of experience) i will usually put on an earphone and go inside my room to jack it off. But not today. I guess i was too excited on the new porn and the fact that the house is empty. So i told myself ,'i am all tired + havent fap for a week, lets give my dick a good treatment'. So yeah I decided not to put on any earphone. Volume up , start watching the porn in naked.
Here is what happen next. Initially i was masturbating in downstairs living room. But then i thought, what if they suddenly come back? So for fuck sake i decided to move my laptop to a safer place, upstairs. Now, there are a few rooms upstairs. one of them is my aunt's room. The table where i put my lappy was just outside of that room. So i started enjoying the JAV with loud volume, until some 3minutes later, i heard a heavy footstep coming by from my aunt's room. At that point of time i was fucking confused because im fucking sure no one was at home. Turns out that guy was my uncle. He arrived at my house from another state and stay in my aunts room. He open the door seeing me naked, only with my hands on my dick. I tried to act cool, by calling him " hey uncle". He response with a rather awkward + angry voice, something like " Hm!". Now, in my house, i am the eldest 'kid', my cousins are just 14 years old. i couldnt imagine what is the impact if he ever tell this to my aunt, or to his daughter,or to any relative.I could not describe my feeling at that time. So i went straight to take a shower with regrets.......
EDIT : Sorry for my bad english.
tetrahydrocanada: If he could hear the porn why would he just open the door like that?
tammerlian: maybe he thought someone was actually having sex in there and was gonna be all like "Hell no!"
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1398269028 | 1398360357 | t3_23ryhk | t5_2to41 | 141 | [deleted]: TIFU by succumbing to a childish habit
I'm in college and my girlfriend lives in the same building as me, which is cool. This morning she was going to come over and hang out for a bit before we walked to class.
Unfortunately, my allergies are really kicking in with the spring weather and my nose has been super stuffy for a few days now. Not even a runny kind of stuffed, just wicked dry. I can't be the only one who has experienced this, but you just can't blow a desert-dry nose. So naturally, I got my finger up there and dug some out.
Just as I was doing that, my girlfriend knocked on the door and walked in and my panic-meter went to a full 10. There I was with a big chunk of booger on my finger and nothing to wipe it on: no tissues, roommate using our bathroom, not on my t-shirt or jeans. So I just quickly popped it into my mouth, which was a big mistake as you can guess. It was sticky and dry and tasted salty and stuck to the back of my front teeth. My girlfriend greeted me with a kiss.
Her tongue touched the booger, tasted it, and knew immediately why my finger was in my mouth when she walked in. She literally gagged over the garbage can while my face grew to beet-red, then she puked and ran from the room to go brush her teeth. I haven't seen her since this morning.
TL;DR Picked my nose, ate it, girlfriend kissed me and tasted it.
RedBarnGuy: She actually threw up over this? You might want to consider greener pastures, my friend.
biladi79: You wouldn't throw up after tasting someone else's booger?
RedBarnGuy: You would?
biladi79: Um yes. Or at the very least gag. Tasting someone else's booger is not really that high on my bucket list
| 5 | 28.2 | |
1398271355 | 1398288544 | t3_23s2g7 | t5_2to41 | 151 | Nuke-The-Whales: TIFU by making a short NSFW video in my landlord's kitchen.
School is almost over . . . So very close to freedom. I should be studying, that would be the responsible thing to do seeing as I have an exam tomorrow morning at 8:30, but . . .
Naturally, I decide to make a short "sexy video" for my boyfriend who I won't be seeing for a week (only a week, I know). My landlord is out of the country for 2 weeks, my roommates have class until 3:30 and the only one who will know my shame is the poor dog, who is now currently laying on the couch with her big brown eyes looking at me, saying "you dun fucked up."
So I decide to do a few takes of this recording where I pull my yoga pants down and then pull them back up slowly, thus accentuating my ass.
I'm on take 3, playing around with how low I should pull my pants, when suddenly my landlord's granddaughter (age 5) comes running through the front door (the house is open-concept, so you can see the kitchen if you take even two steps into the house). I fumble while pulling up my pants, but I'm too slow. The young girl is scarred for life.
She yells "look Mommy, a bum!!" but by then I have my pants pulled up. I think quickly, and say to the Mom when she comes in: "Oh, sorry, I was watching a music video and couldn't close YouTube in time! It has an explicit scene or two."
Thankfully she laughed it off, but I fear her daughter will be traumatized.
TL;DR: assumed I'd be home alone all day, made a video which included my bare ass exposed, landlord's granddaughter ran in the house and caught me.
Meth-Damon: Where the hell do you live that your Landlord, as well as her kid, are allowed to freely walk into your house any time they like? They have to give 48 hours written notice before they're allowed to show up here, although we typically do just let them in. That being said, if my landlord just walked into my house at any random time, I'd lose my shit.
Nuke-The-Whales: I live WITH my landlord -- she's an older lady, she lives in the house with me and two other roommates. Since she is away, she apparently told her daughter that she can come play with the dog/take her for a walk whenever -- I was not aware of this.
Meth-Damon: Then your landlord is entirely at fault for this circumstance. If you live with her, she is expected to provide reasonable notice of someone coming into the house. If she invites someone to come over at any time, it's just common courtesy to tell the people you live with that.
Nuke-The-Whales: Oh, I don't doubt at all that this isn't technically my fault.
I just "fucked up" because I could have been responsible and done the video in my room instead of in the kitchen. BUT, we live and learn.
Meth-Damon: No, you didn't fuck up. That is your place of residence. You are entitled to do naked jumping jacks in your common area if you're home alone. It is not being 'irresponsible' to take a sexy video in a common area. What is irresponsible is your landlord not informing you that someone would be coming over.
You didn't fuck up. She did. Hard. I'd have used that as an immediate excuse to provide 2 months notice that I'd be leaving. From my point of view, that's actually extremely disrespectful towards your tenants to not provide them any notification of that happening.
Nuke-The-Whales: Hmmmm, naked jumping jacks -- sounds like a great idea for video 2!
Well, I appreciate that you are on my side, kind stranger. Luckily school is done in exactly 1 week so I needn't leave in a fury.
Meth-Damon: I've never met a good landlord. Ever. Every single one I've ever had has been an overwhelming piece of shit. Stealing my damage deposit, claiming that x happened when it didn't, showing up unannounced, calling me a faggot, letting their kid have run of the household (he lived there too) and just generally being a piece of shit.
If I find a landlord that is good, then I will have no problem admitting it. But it seems that the power goes to way too many peoples head and they seem to think they can stomp all over the rights of everyone else. They are landlords. They provide a very important service to people and should be held to higher standards. The fact that they aren't is fucking staggering.
Nuke-The-Whales: I hear so many horrible landlord stories -- I'm sorry that yours have been pieces of shit.
My landlord is typically a sweet old lady, she's generally very good. She just doesn't think to warn us of little things like that.
| 9 | 16.777778 | |
1398264813 | 1398277134 | t3_23rrpp | t5_2to41 | 22 | enalios: TIFU by accidentally sending out mass emails. Twice.
A user didn't get an automatically generated email. So I went into the system to send it out with the ui. A few seconds later I got a couple dozen out-of-office replies to the admin email account. Somehow I accidentally sent that email to the entire user list.
No big deal. Just tell my boss what happened and write a script to send an apology email to everyone affected, right?
Wrong.
As I'm writing the script I get asked for an ETA. "10 minutes." Every two minutes someone walks over and says "so-and-so wants to know how it's going if there's a way to go faster." Then I get an IM from so-and-so asking the same. Oh. And emails from so-and-so.
10 minutes are up and I'm trying to review. But there's someone right over my shoulder asking me if it's ready yet.
I hit send and ... it sends the apology email. To person one. Then to person one and two, then to person one and two and three, etc. Basically person one got 50 emails, person two 49, etc.
I sent out manual emails by hand afterward. The whole ordeal was maybe an hour long.
Meetings were held. If we lose the contract I'm directly responsible. The entire project is now undergoing some kind of review. This was all yesterday. I come in today and my boss is on the phone discussing the situation with someone else. She wasn't involved yesterday and hasn't spoken to me since but we were supposed to discuss another project today. I'm dreading how silent she is in her office.
Meanwhile the admin email is getting replies like "Oh, no big deal. So I can just ignore and delete these 30 emails?"
I'm not sure the users are actually upset at all but everyone else sure is.
And that's how I ducked up.
Ihabk: > And that's how I ducked up
According to [Urban Dictionary](http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Ducked%20Up), thats beyond fucked up
enalios: God damn it. I can't even type a reddit post without some kind of error.
Ihabk: Come on man I dont think this will cause any big trouble
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1398274283 | 1398362593 | t3_23s7h0 | t5_2to41 | 3,577 | [deleted]: TIFU by power washing my butthole. [NSFW]
I was having a shower at my girlfriend's place in preparation for some serious sexy time. After washing my hair like normal I detach my girlfriend's high power shower head and begin washing my body. Since I was about to have sex, I wanted every orifice of my body to be clean. As I direct the stream into my nether regions, I begin feeling a warm, yet satisfying pleasure resulting from the combination of the warm water and high pressure stream and my muscles begin to relax. Before I knew it, there was a huge *PLOP* followed by the pitter-patter of shit falling out my butthole and onto the shower floor. My sphincter had gotten so relaxed that I let loose a load of chocolate thunder in my girlfriend's shower. Luckily, my girlfriend is awesomely understanding and we are super close. After explaining what happened all we could do was laugh about it.
Timmybighands: Hurry quick and waffle stomp that down the drain. Never speak another word about it.
Unless it gets you upvotes.
Tiberius666: > waffle stomp
Aaaand that's my daily addition to my vocabulary right there.
a_self_cleaning_oven: 👏
DownvoteMe4Free: 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
You made a waffle wrong you dingus.
a_self_cleaning_oven: I just got owned. #clapclap
iShootDope_AmA: /r/clopclop
a_self_cleaning_oven: What the hell did I just see?
iShootDope_AmA: Oh, God you clicked?
a_self_cleaning_oven: But the larger question remains...how the heck did YOU know that one of the top of your head, eh? ಠ_ಠ
Olpainless: How have you been here 4+ years and NOT heard of clopclop?
Wiiplay123: /r/clopclop has only existed for 2 years
Olpainless: That's totally irrelevant. Someone on reddit for 2 years is less likely to know about subreddits set up a year ago than someone who has been on reddit for 4 years.
The longer you're here, the more you tend to know about reddit. Like the influx of new people convinced that reddit is full of "reddits" grrrr.
| 13 | 275.153846 | |
1398280018 | 1398319234 | t3_23shj2 | t5_2to41 | 19 | ella1993: TIFU by daring my roommate to masturbate in front of me...
OK, so this was technically last night but it was after midnight so it was technically today. I had just gotten home from work and was still in my uniform (I work at a "gentleman friendly" restaurant where all of us waitresses wear these skimpy little outfits). I live with three men (I'm the only woman who lives here) and I keep my schedule posted/updated on the fridge for their reference and they do the same with their work schedules.
Now, usually when I close I don't get home until about 2:45am. But last night we were really slow after about midnight so we were able to do most of our closing duties before the actual closing. Because of that my manager sent me home after my last table left so I ended up getting home at about 1:45am.
Two of my three house-mates are out of town right now. The third had assumed that he'd have the place to himself until close to 3am since I was closing. So he decided to stream some porn via his computer onto our shared TV in the common room. I walked in on him watching a Sasha Grey movie (I think it might have been her first one, actually, but I'm not sure... I'll see if I can find a clip of it later and maybe one of you can tell me!).
There's a rule in my house, btw: "No inter-house romances". Basically it's the "Don't mess around with Ella" rule that was instituted a long time ago in order to avoid roommate related drama. BUT, this particular roommate (I'll call him Joe) has always been very flirtatious with me anyway. So when I walked in on him wearing nothing but his boxers and watching what was obviously a porn (even though it hadn't gotten to the "action" yet I knew it was definitely a porno) I decided to tease him a little bit.
He didn't realize I was there yet so I just walked up behind him and casually said, "Wow, that's Sasha Grey, right? She's hot!"
Poor Joe nearly shat himself when I said that! He jumped up and started making excuses as he fumbled with the remote control. I just laughed and told him to relax. I took a seat next to him on the sofa and said I'd like to watch the "movie" too. Why? Well, honestly, **not** because I wanted any action or anything... I was just in a weird mood to be honest.
So he let the movie continue to play. One thing led to another and eventually I told him he should "pretend I wasn't there". He told me he really couldn't do that. I asked him why not and he said it should be obvious. I told him I was a big girl and if he wanted to jerk off that was fine by me. Joe said there was no way he could do that, with me watching, at which point I actually *dared* him to at least try.
Holy crap. That was all it took, that one little joking dare. He said something like, "Okay, if you don't mind..."
For the next five minutes or so I watched him fap as he stared at the screen, occasionally looking over at me while he masturbated. Part of me wanted to run away but I thought that would make me look weak. So I just pretended we were watching a normal movie together.... right up until he came, which I couldn't avoid watching. At that point I told Joe I was tired and needed to go to bed. He said "sure" and I left.
This morning I woke up to find a note for me in my section of our shared mailbox/divider we keep on the kitchen counter. It was from Joe. The note just said that since our roommates aren't going to be home until Friday, and since I'm not working tonight, he'd be interested in "hanging out" with me after he gets off of work this evening.
He's texted me twice since then: once before I even woke up, and once while I was having my run earlier. Both texts were just to ask if I got his note.
I'm afraid I really, *really* fucked up this time. Obviously he thinks I want to mess around with him or something, right? UHG!!! I was just wired from work and feeling playful, I never thought he'd actually fap in front of me! I don't even know what to do right now... I had planned on staying home this evening but now I sort of want to get out of here. If I don't, that'll send even more mixed signals, you know?
Sorry for the long post!!
Chris_DK: You owe him a dare... It's your turn to pick the movie and "relax" with it tonight :)
TBH, if he is a gentleman, and he likes living in the house, he can get over it, I'm sure. But you may have to tell him quite directly, especially since it happened on a sober week night. Must update with how it goes!
Sibire: Nobody here is "owed" anything, he dun goofed.
...It's as if everyone with a Y chromosome needs a Telekill skullcap.
[deleted]: I don't quite understand how he messed up by doing what she said with no indication that she was kidding. He's obviously very interested in her, and so if it was poor judgement, that's why... But she told him to, and then proceeded to watch without indicating it was a joke.
Sibire: Eh, true, but the guy should still be dapper enough to understand that, hence the anti-memetic helmet.
[deleted]: If he wasn't in love with her (which he obviously is), that would be true... But he is, so I wouldn't expect him to act entirely rationally.
eatingcheetos: >love
are you 8
| 7 | 2.714286 | |
1398288935 | 1398306556 | t3_23sxij | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by making myself drink several litres of water
I bought dahl with rice at my university's cafeteria and it was a lot spicier than I was expecting. There's a lot of it and I want to finish it all, but I can't take a bite without needing to drink a lot of water with it. I know that milk is known to help but I don't have any milk around. My insides are starting to burn a little and I'm starting to wonder if I will live through this event.
It's really tasty, though.
milofelix: Just wait till you start shitting it out......
KhetdaNight: I hear chilled Vasaline does wonders for that...
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1398293978 | 1398300448 | t3_23t67r | t5_2to41 | -1 | cantbrainIhasthedumb: STEBFU
A little late but... Sunday The Easter Bunny Fucked Up. My two kids, age 8 and 6, are both VERY hyper. Before their morning meds they are monsters. Well the bunny knew grass in the baskets was not a wise idea, but she decided to buy silver tinsel grass anyway. It was going to be fine, she glued it to the sides of the baskets! Sunday morning I awoke to the delightful screams of happy children. I headed downstairs so they could show me all their new little toys. As I neared the living room I accidentally screamed "WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT IS THIS?" Tinsel EVERYWHERE. Walls, floors, tables, shelves... static cling is a bitch. The bunny didn't think they would tear out the tinsel from the glue. The bunny didn't know the cats would eat it. The bunny didn't think about who would have to clean up the mess and three days later clean tinsel decorated chunks of shit out of the cat box. I'm worried about the cats and keeping a close eye on them. Fuck you bunny.
Edit: Boy oh boy did this derail. I rant about buying some tinsel and people question how I parent two special needs kids haha.
WPBDoc: I'm more worried about your kids, than your cat. It would be nice if you were too. The monster in your house isn't one of the kids...
cantbrainIhasthedumb: I'm so glad you care so much. Thanks for checking their medical history to see exactly what their diagnosis is and what medication they take. You're so thoughtful... I am such a monster.
WPBDoc: Yeah, well I'm an educator with a doctorate and who specializes in elementary age children. I read enough in your post to know that the problem in your house isn't the kids.
cantbrainIhasthedumb: Well no shit, Doctor. It was the bunny.
| 5 | -0.2 | |
1398297143 | 1398348494 | t3_23tbgf | t5_2to41 | 17 | cocoram: TIFU by hitting the wrong button at work
I work at a decently expensive retail store doing stock mainly. Today I had to be on the sales floor since my manager was on a conference call. I was ringing in a $600 sale, then adding the promotions, and that's when it happened.
Again, I don't do sales that often. It's been months since I've used the til. So when I saw the button that said "Promo" I figured that would bring up the menu of promotions. Nope.
It made everything free.
I have no clue if/how they've fixed it. My manager told me to just "go fucking do your real job" and dealt with it. And this was half an hour after we opened.
[deleted]: That doesn't sound too bad. It sounds like the manager should have been able to fix it, and it also sounds like you could have just voided the sale and rang everything up again.
cocoram: It was fixed I found out this morning, but the transaction had completed itself as well, so at the time I couldn't simply void it. We had to fix it in our inventory and such.
Just another reason I can't wait to find a new job
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1398301202 | 1398317886 | t3_23thwq | t5_2to41 | 86 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting caught having sex on camera by my dad (NSFW)
So, the boyfriend and I decided to sneak down to my cabin one night for some sexy-times. We went down, trudged through the snow to get in, and had a romantically amazing night get away. I showed him around the place, and he playfully joked about my screwing in my parent's bedroom. It's the perfect place to screw... A full mirror on one side of the room, King-sized bed, and memory foam mattress.
Anyways, we get on to the good stuff and go down into the bedroom to knock boots and eat ice-cream in bed.
Fast forward, we fall asleep, wake up early in the morning. I started running my hands all over him, then one thing led to another and suddenly I was giving him a handy with some conveniently placed sun-tan lotion. He totally got into the magic my hands were delivering… and suddenly he asked me: “Your parent’s bedroom. Where is it?”
“Ah, up two flights of stairs,” I pumped him member thoughtfully, twisting just that little bit on each run as I pulled up a mental picture.
He gasped. “We need mirror sex.” He practically growled.
“Mirror sex?” I exclaimed breathily.
“Mirror sex.” He said. “Now.”
So we practically ran upstairs and we ended up boinking in my parent’s bedroom…. Watching ourselves in the mirror, tearing off each other’s clothes in lightning speed. We even did stand up sex. After stand up sex, he practically dumped me on the bed and kept railing me. We went hard, guys.
... and yadda yadda, sexual things, typical me getting railed.
Fast foward two weeks- I got a nasty yeast infection from the sun-tan lotion and my dad went down to the cabin to check on it from the winter. He had up secret trail cameras and I got caught bringing my boyfriend down there! This doesn't sound so bad, but they are the religious type, and I'd never slipped up in my two years of hiding Things My Parents Wouldn't Like until today.
Not only that, but I'm 99% positive he had a camera in his bedroom as well, because that is where all the expensive things were. It was something that made me think that he did catch me fucking in his room... because he said "I sure hope you didn't screw in my bedroom. Because that's where you were conceived"
**Tl;dr Got caught fucking on camera on my parent's bed, where I was conceived, by strict relgious father, using sun-tan lotion as accidental lube, got a yeast infection from it!**
Edit: formatting
guitarheronick1: >We even did stand up sex
I guess you really did "screw up"...no?...okay.
jackpaxx: Nope.
Dylsnick: Okay
| 4 | 21.5 | |
1398290394 | 1398343982 | t3_23t05f | t5_2to41 | 155 | jhack22: Today I Fucked Up by checking Vine before going into my Bank.
I'm sitting in my car killing some time and I'm checking all the usual social media apps that I use when I'm bored.
I get to Vine, the last option for when I'm really out of things to do to waste my time, and scroll through the "popular now" clips. Normally, all of these videos are really stupid and pointless. I get to a vine of a "fake phone call" basically, someone holds a phone up to their head while walking in public and says something really weird and records peoples reaction of them.
I couldn't find the exact vine to post here, but it involved a guy walking by in a supermarket employee while he was on the phone and said "But last time you fucked me in the ass it hurt! And then you shitted on me"
I was bored so I clicked my phone off and headed into the bank. About the time I get to the teller, I check my phone. And at full volume in a dead quiet bank my phone goes off "Last time you fucked me in the ass it hurt! And then you shitted on me". I tried to mute it but it was too late, the damage was done.
tldr; My phone went off in a silent bank and said "Last time you fucked me in the ass it hurt! And then you shitted on me"
Matttized: Should have played it off by blaming it on some non-existent brother or something...
"Goddammit Dylan stop looking at vines on my phone" or something.
Retrash: Saying anything at that point would just make everything more awkward.
Nerdy314159265: "Totally wasn't looking at some obscure porn nice Mr./Ms. Teller(lady)"
jhack22: I didn't say anything actually I just stood there and took it. It was awful
| 5 | 31 | |
1398299776 | 1398366300 | t3_23tfrb | t5_2to41 | 26 | [deleted]: TIFU - I was just going to relax and jack off in my room since nobody is going to be home today. First day alone since I came back home from school a few weeks ago.
Quick insight, I'm 19 and this is the first time I've ever been walked in on.
I'm excited for this, I go take my pants down to my ankles laying on my bed with just my wireless mouse. I get a great video and it's off to a great start, I slowly build up till I'm right around the corner, I just need to get the the good scene to finish. Then "Knock knock knock" The surge of panic goes through my brain, I struggle to get my pants up caught on my headset wire, I struggle for a good 2 seconds before I say fuck it I'm a gonner, I can't respond she will come in the second I answer, So I quickly throw a blanket over myself and reach for my mouse knocking it off my bed. Door opens, What the fuck are you watching, Ewww! shut it off shut it off. I awkwardly reach and grab my mouse shut it off it a vat of shame. She quickly tries to make her question about how to set up the printer as if Nothing happened then shuts the door. I ignore it and rethink the situation, I pull up my pants do up my fly button and sit up, my headset snags on my fly and I break the head right off the headset band.
Nothing much more could be worse, Then she calls me again "Hey EggMe are you going to help me set up the printer? I don't know how to approach this. I walk to the bathroom wash my hands and try to quickly set it up on her laptop without making eye contact. She approaches to explain the issue. Then she says
"there is this "pumping" light at the bottom of the screen" being the printer not found window blinking orange. A great choice of words.
Thats all over...
Now I sit without working headphones.
Matttized: LOCK. YOUR. DOOR.
Fallen_Glory: See some of us don't have locks on our bedroom doors.
Matttized: Then barricade that shit.
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1398306247 | 1398363392 | t3_23tq3t | t5_2to41 | 404 | scatking69: TIFU: I'm the 3 boxes of fiber one guy and I've had an awful idea...
I want to do it again. Only this time, I'll be ready for it. I want to go harder. I want to push the limits and become the undisputed champion of fiber one induced farting. This is what I'm thinking - I want to eat purely fiber one bars for an entire day, consuming at LEAST 3 boxes. I want to borrow my roommates high end audio-recorder-thing and make a log of the event. It is impossible to understand how many farts these things can make unless you hear it for yourself, and I want to give you that opportunity.
However, I don't want to risk my sphincters well-being or spend the money on this insane adventure unless there is decent support for it. I plan to buy about 5 boxes of fiber one, a pack of powerful laxatives, and barricade myself in a chamber of noxious shit air for a multi-day period. This will be no simple task - yet I feel it may part or all of my destiny.
What do you guys think about this idea? I'm open for suggestions here. I would have to take time off a few weeks in advance because I don't want to shit my pants or fart every 20 seconds during an 8 hour shift, I'm sure you understand.
Would this undertaking be supported by the TIFU community???
RabidVVombat: You're asking if reddit will support you in undertaking a quest that will most likely end with you shitting all over yourself while documenting it?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say probably, yeah.
_vargas_: Frankly, I wish I thought of it first.
Higlac: I have you tagged as "Huffs farts" so that's actually kind of surprising.
RabidVVombat: Wouldn't that make it not surprising?
echoawesome: Surprising that he didn't think of it first, I think he meant.
| 6 | 67.333333 | |
1398307256 | 1398362272 | t3_23trso | t5_2to41 | 25 | closetcat: TIFU and deleted 280gb worth of my steam library.
Was moving files to another drive, derping around on reddit on my phone while I was at it. copy finished, and I shift-delete the originals, or so I thought. Looked up again, and realized there were still files in the steam folder, so I shift-del again, thinking I must have missed an error. Then I realize, with 5gb left to go, that I had accidentally left the copied files selected the first time around. There goes my most recent playthrough of New Vegas. and the custom mods i've built for skyrim, new vegas, and fallout 3.
edit: just realized shift-delete is not common knowledge. this skips the recycle bin entirely and sends the file straight to nowhere.
edit 2, the editing: [Recuva](http://www.piriform.com/recuva) worked wonders, thanks /u/suema
Cancani: Well atleast you have alot of room for porn now that you can jerk to and while youre doing that someone walks in and you can post here again 😄
closetcat: thats actually got its own hard drive. something like 30gb of images alone.
[make that 27gb](http://imgur.com/0z7QDCd)
Cancani: Nice 〽️
closetcat: when you've got a collection this old and this large, you tend to keep backups. used to catalog it and keep a website running back in high school, before booru was a thing. some of this predates windows xp, back when dialup was blazing fast, and a floppy disk full of porn was a tradeable commodity.
Cancani: One of the best OP's ive seen I bet your highschool friends were proud of you ;_;
closetcat: Yeah, some of them had their own folders on the site.
| 7 | 3.571429 | |
1398280319 | 1398355672 | t3_23si1o | t5_2to41 | 15 | Kogasha: TIFU by hitting the accelerator
On my way home from dropping my brother off at school today, I pulled up in front of the garage. When I went to stop, I hit the accelerator instead of the brake.
I slammed the jeep into the garage, where the old barn doors used to be.
At least now I know exactly how much the jeep can dish out!
[Pics of the damage.](http://imgur.com/a/Wq7y5)
ExParrot1337: That'll buff right out.
Kogasha: We're just going to seal the cracks with new mortar - the old mortar for the garage is from the 60s, anyway.
| 3 | 5 | |
1398325751 | 1398341791 | t3_23ud0p | t5_2to41 | 2 | cheejiayuan512: TIFU by deleting my bitcoin android app without backing up my private keys
ashley1407: How much did you loose?
cheejiayuan512: 3 Bitcoin
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1398327327 | 1398430435 | t3_23ue6f | t5_2to41 | 288 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to unclog my toilet using a lifehack. :(
This took place about two months ago, but I feel that enough time has passed to allow me to come to terms with what happened that day in February.
My toilet clogged and I had no plunger. It had been flushing slow for a couple of days, and finally had enough one night after I had made a healthy... movement. Damn. Maybe it would be better by morning. The next AM I was deliriously tired upon waking, and made my way into the latrine to start the day, having completely foreign about the previous night's events. In the darkness, I sat down and initiated what I can now say is the epitome of hellacious awful mornings.
Only upon standing after finishing did I realize the atrocity I had just committed. Worse by far than double dipping at a work lunch or taking the last tater tot from your wife, the fact that I had Big Mac'd my clogged bowl slowly dawned on my waking consciousness like a crushing tidal wave of molasses. I was fully awake by the time the sound of flushing reached my ears.
No.
No, I couldn't have.
I did. The swell of panic rising in my throat complemented the rotating mass of regret and sorrow that now circled up the once pristine bowl, like some deadly brown serpent bent on destroying the world. I was lucky. At the most critical moment, the poisonous brew of my own folly stayed from the top and slowly lowered to an equalized level, leaving in its wake a repugnant trail of revolting food corpses. I put the lid down. I could smell its hate. It waited for my next move, but what could I do?
To the Internet! Somewhere out in the depths of the web were stories that a shot of liquid dish soap and a pot-o-hot water were all that was needed to lubricate the pipes and dislodge the obstructive mass. Bravely, I opened the lid to the 'occupied' commode and dumped a good 8 oz. of lemon Dawn into the offensive deposit (now thoroughly denatured due to failed flushes and extended time in still water). After 10 minutes I brought in a pot of boiling water and, placing my trust in internet strangers while ignoring every gut feeling that this was a bad idea, I poured the steaming hot water into the soiled bowl. And then I flushed.
The result was instantaneous. The contents of the bowl were whipped up into some kind of foamy, frothy pho from decay's deepest bowels, and proceeded to swirl around like a Charybdis of hot, lemony shit stew. A portal to hell had been opened in my bathroom, and the putrid whirlpool forced upon me sites from some dimension of horror and foul nightmares, and contrary to what was supposed to happen, the trick did NOTHING- absolutely nothing- to lubricate and clear the pipes below the gurgling maelstrom of contradictory odors and sites never meant to be seen by the eyes of humanity which now swirled and roiled thickly in a demonic current before me. Instead, my heart bottomed out and I ran from the bathroom with an armful of rugs, hoping beyond hope that the inhuman flood in my toilet would not break it's porcelain dam. I looked back through the smog - like haze of aerosolized waste, steam, and hint of fresh lemon to see that fortune had shone a silver light upon a cloud as black as the devil's heart... The dam had held!
I remember walking in the sun to the store afterwards. It was so clean outside, the air so fresh and warm. So forgiving. Everything seemed very calm and orderly as I paid for a new plunger. So sterile. So safe. I don't remember much of what happened afterwards. Flashes mostly. The yellowed light of the bathroom light. Shrieks and curses. Unholy sounds and sights that turned my insides to ice. I remember the heft of the plunger - my savior, my last hope- as I thrust forward into the unknown, against all the armies of Hades, and the oldest forces of darkness and malice.
And I won.
Or did I? Could a man recover after such an experience? Can someone stare into the blackest eyes of hate, the embodiment of complete wickedness, as I did and come away with their soul unscathed? I may have won that day, but I paid a hefty price... $7.99 for a new plunger, to be exact.
TL; DR: I tried to outsmart a clogged toilet and lost.
Edit: I'm glad everyone enjoys this story. I'm sorry to those individuals who wanted a simpler take on toilet humor. I'll try again:
TL;CR: Toilet broked. Got scared of too much poop. Soap n water din't wurk. Hadda buy a plunjer.
[deleted]: Just write like a normal person. Were not interviewing for the next Shakespeare here.
charden_sama: Fuck that. There's enough stuff on the internet, so why would you waste your time reading something if it's not fucking hilarious?
[deleted]: But that isn't hilarious. When every other sentence is some over the top analogy it gets to be pretty stupid. I guess I can see the charm for simple minds though.
charden_sama: Oh gosh, your condescension is just *adorable*. If it's what people on this subreddit enjoy, who are you to automatically discount another viewer's entertainment?
[deleted]: Glad you like it. I have plenty more. I didn't mean to discount anyone's entertainment. If i did that i apologize. I just wanted to insult them. I forgot i am dealing with *those* people though, i will try to be more clear next time.
charden_sama: *Those* people?
*Points at hoodis*
THIS MAN IS A RACIST! A BIG FAT RACIST!
ChiefBlackhawk35: And he hates Shakespear! Such a shame, the ignorance and hate in today's youth...
charden_sama: Yeeeeeep. It's only fair; I haven't encountered a psuedointellectual in a while, so I guess I was due.
A7XnJackDaniels: You sir are a pseudointellectual.
charden_sama: I disagree. Unlike hoodis, I didn't make any barbed comments about "simple minds" or "those people." I have no interest in showing off my intelligence, because how could my intelligence have any bearing on your life?
A7XnJackDaniels: Sorry, just woke up...I was agreeing with you about him. I can't brain while hungover. I realize now that the context of my comment could only be taken as a jab at you. My bad dudescal.
charden_sama: Love your username, btw.
A7XnJackDaniels: Thanks, it involves two of my favorites. It is also my PSN and XBox Live id's.
| 14 | 20.571429 | |
1398342080 | 1403158527 | t3_23uq8z | t5_2to41 | 12,644 | Longbow90: TIFU by trying to be funny.
This actually happened yesterday but whatever.
Okay, here we go. A little background about me. I'm young (mid 20's), I'm a guy, I'm white, and I'm a huge Philadelphia Eagles fan (American football). For this of you who aren't familiar with the sport, the Eagles and the Dallas Cowboys have a huge rivalry that has existed for years.
Here's where I fuck up.
So I'm at work (fast food), this day I had decided to wear my favorite Eagles shirt underneath of my uniform because why not. An older black guy walks into the store wearing a Cowboys hat, t-shirt, lanyard, and jacket. Upon seeing him most of my co-workers greeted him with a smile and a hello. I on the other hand, without thinking, greeted this 60 year old black guy with a "we don't serve your kind here". It instantly registered to me what I had said when all my co-workers looked at me in disbelief. I also realized that this poor guest couldn't see my t-shirt under my uniform. I instantly began apologizing and explaining. I took my uniform shirt off, showed him my phone background, my credit card, literally anything I could to show him I was trying to make a sports joke and not being a racist little shit.
After about 30 seconds of me explaining he started laughing so hard I thought he was gonna piss himself. Then he told me not worry about, and that he understood. I gave him his food for free. Then the manager wanted to have a little chit-chat. I wasn't fired but I was yelled at pretty well.
So that's the story of how sports made me look racist.
johnnybigoode: As someone who worked in retail: Never try to be funny.
usernamenotknown: never be funny, or Christian, or Atheist. .. or a single dad.. :-(
downhillcarver: "Merry Christmas!"
"what the hell did you just say?! I'm an atheist!"
"sorry! Have a nice day!"
-10 minutes later-
"Happy holidays!"
"why are you taking Christ out of Christmas?! Where's your manager?!"
"sorry, let me call him for you."
-10 minutes later-
"I wish you a season greeting appropriate to your beliefs."
"I hate little smart-ass kids like you."
"...."
bman214: Happy Ramahannukwanzmas!
33a5t: "Ramadan isn't in December, you smartass little shit"
bman214: A GOOD TUESDAY TO YOU, SIR
Lhopital_rules: MY FAVORITE CAT DIED ON A TUESDAY, MA'AM. HOW RUDE!
Ich_Liebe_Dick: FINE THEN FUCK ALL OF YOU!
Ah, thank you
Ace1999: Put a shrimp on the barbie eh mate?
profoundWHALE: Read this as "Barbara Manatee"
Edit: I need some sleep
totallynot13: [Barbara Manatee](http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-TpGBvnr2QRI/UnKzxnCZgbI/AAAAAAAAAJM/kAm-yrvMf2Y/s1600/barbara+manatee.gif)
profoundWHALE: I am so happy about this
| 13 | 972.615385 | |
1398349596 | 1398900898 | t3_23v0ac | t5_2to41 | 26 | TrishyMay: TIFU by Redditing in class.
In Cultural Anthropology just now, I was reading the AskReddit thread about kids' lies. I laughed, audibly, at one of the stories. Incidentally, I laughed just after my teacher was talking about slaves. Now my class thinks I find slavery funny.
Fuck_My_Cock_Hole: Okay but how did you fuck up?
SneerfulWizard: By not fucking his cock hole
Gamerguy_141297: Aren't you the guy that peed on his floss?
SneerfulWizard: Maybe...
| 5 | 5.2 | |
1398305190 | 1398376273 | t3_23tocr | t5_2to41 | 19 | BitingInsects: TIFU by not wearing an undershirt
M/23 here. Happened a few months ago. The company I was working at had some people from HR coming to do interviews for a higher up position. I had been waiting to wear this new shirt I got, which was a little snug but I liked how the color looked on me. Finally got my chance to interview with the HR woman. She was an attractive blonde, probably early 30's and really friendly/genuine.
I sit down facing her in the conference room and begin the interview. I am nailing this shit, on point with my accomplishments - clear and assertive answers and even remembering to smile and make small talk. But I kept noticing her eyes going from my stomach and back to me. She seems distracted. I keep on with the interview which lasted about 15 mins and as I get up I realize the middle button of my new shirt was undone. She had been staring at my hairy, pudgy bellybutton the whole time and probably had a good laugh about it to the other managers.
tl;dr: shirt button was undone, cute HR lady saw my fat belly when I sat down.
esearcher: I think the real TIFU here is wearing a shirt that was too small, because it would have been no less awkward if she was staring at your undershirt through the gaps in your shirt and popped button.
ipotatoheadx: >realize the middle button of my new shirt was undone.
esearcher: > I had been waiting to wear this new shirt I got, **which was a little snug**
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1398361205 | 1398381592 | t3_23vkqr | t5_2to41 | 4 | Dli151: Tifu by offering to drive the condor at work
Tldr... offered to move the condor because I wanted more experience. I just had to want to work on the movies........
I've driven condors a bunch of times at work with no problems. Flat ground in neighborhoods around cars... on stages in small areas... today was different. ..it was in a small parking lot so I spun the basket around and decided to drive it backwards... Bad idea... takes me forever to get up the first road which was a slight hill.. cars in both sides of the road.... took forever... made it to the hills.... had to realign a couple of times... to get a straight line... In the process the turret or the base got stuck in a fixed position... Second mistake... make it to the top of the hill way to close to a telephone pole. After a while. .. my tire slide off the side of the road... sinking the soft asphalt. Slightly hitting the telephone... ground guys help me get out... fight down a smaller road... finally get my turret to rotate.... park the condor... we break for lunch... now I've got to go back and spin the condor after lunch because I fucked up...thought it be good to spin the turret around... people are pissed... I'm upset... hating my life... probably won't get hired again by these guys again.... it's going to be a running joke for awhile... probably the rest of my career..... fuck....
At this point I don't even care about grammar....
WPBDoc: Did anyone else think that "driving the condor" was going to be a euphemism of some sort?
Dli151: No... it's a 125 on small two lane streets with a bunch of overheads.... legally we are not supposed to be that close to power.... but the dp gets what's the dp wants.... who cares about a rigging electrician
That_Deaf_Guy: >the dp gets what the dp wants
Euphemism?
| 4 | 1 | |
1398361410 | 1398384960 | t3_23vl6x | t5_2to41 | 5 | thelionheartedboy: TIFU by reading TIFU threads and fucking up right after that...
Well, precisely what the title says: I was exploring this newly discovered thread, having a good laugh and since I have been working around the house because my mom who has been out of surgery not so long ago, I was also getting ready to cook some dinner for the whole family. All pretty regular so far, until the moment I am preparing the base of my dish, which is onions braised in olive oil, which I was pretty short on.
While refilling the bottle, I managed to let it slip on the counter, also dropped the bigger container that was more than half full of the said olive oil, there was that golden liquid scattered all across the floor, on the counter, on my pants and shoes. And that, my friends, is how you ruin your outfit for the day, delay dinner immensely and manage to triple your cleaning work, simply by dropping a fucking container. I feel like Jules from cougar town right now. And I thought only kids dropped stuff constantly, yeah right.
Now the bottom line is: I was reading about TIFU, one happened right after in my life... Now give me some time while I read the story of an extremely rich porn-star who became the most influential person in the world to see if that shit comes true.
dralcax: Once upon a time there was a boy with a lion heart that dropped a container of olive oil but then became an extremely rich porn star that changed the world with his dick.
thelionheartedboy: Yes! Yes! That's what I mean, you see? Aaand... You probably made all that come true in a very distant future (or not!) just because I have read it! That's my gift, my life has a purpose now! OMG...
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1398369176 | 1398397620 | t3_23vz2c | t5_2to41 | 229 | ericjh15: TIFU by recklessly biking to my midterm.
Today, like any other day, I biked to school to get to my 8:00 AM class for my first midterm of the quarter. I was running a little late and was biking as fast as I could with my earphones in blasting my music in hopes of being wide awake for class. As I was going around the bike circle near my class, I hear somebody yell followed closely by a loud thud. I turn around and see MY PROFESSOR on the ground with broken glasses, bleeding arms and face, and scattered papers all over the place (he was carrying a box filled with the midterms). He angrily looks up to me staring at him and I immediately apologize profusely and begin picking up the tests. As I'm collecting the tests for him, he stops me and he walks into the lecture hall. I finally get all the tests and put them in his box and walk into the class. Everyone turned around and stared at me as if I was the devil and I realize the professor already left but had a note on the board. He simply wrote, "No midterm today, bad bike crash going to hospital, final will now be worth the total grade for class". Our midterm was to be 40% of grade with the final being 60% now he is making the entire class grade the final and everyone knows it's my fault.
tl;dr I caused my professor to crash on his bike sending him to hospital, canceling midterm, making our total class grade our final. Everyone in class wants to kill me.
[deleted]: Your professor is an asshole who is making the whole class suffer for an accident. Sorry, dude.
ericjh15: Talking to a friend in my class about it, apparently he made comments saying a student (me) cut him off making him crash. He thought it was on purpose.
ThatDerpingGuy: >He thought it was on purpose.
Sounds like he has an over-inflated opinion of himself.
devals: Sounds like reaching for an excuse for that canceled midterm.
| 5 | 45.8 | |
1398375489 | 1398384788 | t3_23wan8 | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by admitting I don't like a dog
I was sitting around with my girlfriend drinking some beers when I admitted I didn't like one of her dogs. On Christmas eve she found an old wandering Golden Retriever with tags and called the owners. They told her he was 12 and to keep him because he has dementia and just wanders off. So she brought Fred home. I initially liked him because he was friendly and cute and a good dog, hell I've even posted pictures of him on here. But as time went on he decided he didn't like me. He has a habit of coming up to you and stratching you with his long ass old-man dog talons (which can't be cut any shorter) and begging to be pet. Every once in a while is great but not every ten minutes or ever time you move! It's really annoying.
He was good. He would listen and do what you told him and he understood some English. Over the last few weeks he's been straight up disobeying all commands. You'd tell him to go lay down or come back inside and he'd look you in the eye, knowing damn well what he's doing, and straight up disobey. I'm really good with dogs and I love them when they're good. I don't care for disloyal dogs and this is a perfect example of disloyalty. I've never screamed at him or threatened to hit him or anything but two weeks ago we had to go pick up her daughter and was gone for only four hours; he'd been in the house a whole day by himself so we were sure he was fine. We get back to her place and he's hopping with joy to see us. It's adorable I'm smiling and petting him and my gf noticed that he knocked all the plants out of the window sill. All ones I gave her. He's never done anything like that. I'm heading to the bathroom to get a broom and I look in her bedroom and he'd gotten on the bed and shit a *huge* turd right when I put head to sleep and he pissed all over her side. That's when I decided I didn't know like this animal. That was a blatant attack at me.
I held it in until last night when I told her. She instantly got mad and asked how I couldn't love Fred. Well I told her exactly what I've said to you, dear reader, but she couldn't understand it. She compared me to my friends who absolute adore Fred which made me mad. She kicked me out (I still don't know why) but I was starting to walk home (I live three blocks away) and she opens the door and calls me back. She hands me the spare key to my car (which I let her use because we live in a small town and I like riding my bike). I flabbergasted and shocked but I go home, she asked if I made home alright but nothing else.
**TL:DR** I don't really know how but today I fucked up by telling my girlfriend I don't like her geriatric, disloyal dog.
[deleted]: The dog had dementia you absolute autist you even said so. How the guck can you expect a dog that old to obey you're every command and toilet outside when fucking old humans aren't even capable of that, especially since it had dementia, you tard.
amayernican: I guarantee he doesn't have dementia. When he remembers places by name and goes to them he's coherent.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1398381766 | 1398386924 | t3_23wl9p | t5_2to41 | 122 | mrkruler: TIFU by leaving porn on my computer for my parents to see
So, let me start this off with saying I'm 15 years old. I still live with my parents and so I have to worry about them catching me doing my do. So I get home at 3:30pm every afternoon and my parents have an erratic schedule so I'm always on the lookout to see if her car or his motorcycle gets here before I'm done. TODAY, she (my mom) got home 10 minutes after I did, while I was in the middle of going at it. RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE. I almost hadn't noticed it, so I had to hurry up and buckle up. I ran out to the kitchen to greet her (Obligatory: THEY CAN SMELL YOUR CUM) and start doing the dishes like they asked yesterday. At this point, I wasn't expecting her to go into my room (she has absolutely no reason to besides her owning the place, and even then there is nothing of interest in here besides a computer) and turns out I had left my porn on my computer. She came out and said "why is there, what looks like, a naked lady on your computer screen?" and so I responded with " I'm a 15 year old guy, why do you think there is a naked lady on my screen?" and she said she didn't give a fuck and blah blah blah. I think I played it smooth, because we changed the subject immediately afterward. Do you guys think I played it smooth?
WanderingRurouni: You owned it.
"So what if I'm masturbating?!"
Good! There's nothing wrong with it! Own that shit!
"Damn right I'm masturbating!"
Good move.
Matttized: "Why is there a naked lady on your computer?"
*locks eye contact*
"I was jerking it mom, it's normal"
| 3 | 40.666667 | |
1398393637 | 1398456264 | t3_23x3zf | t5_2to41 | 101 | masturbationthrwaway: TIFU by filming myself masturbating
Used the camera on my macbook along with Photo Booth video to film myself masturbating so I could send it to my boyfriend. I was using my hitachi on my clit which feels AMAZING (ladies go buy a hitachi) Well it worked and I had a amazing orgasm & squirted all over the place which doesn't usually happen. Looked down to see my trackpad on my computer with my lady liquid seeping into the cracks that surround it. Turned it off and poured rice all over the trackpad and keyboard. Mouse is broken and jumps around erratically :(
forlornprincess83: Dont you read Reddit? There was a post not too long ago that is basically the same as yours, learn from others silly. Sorry about your laptop though.
Trashysneakers: Typhoon vagina I think?
lacrimaeveneris: It was ["TIFU by underestimating my typhoon vagina".](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1xf4d6/tifu_by_underestimating_my_typhoon_vagina/) It's also in the FUOTW sidebar. :)
zer0t3ch: TIFUn vagina?
lacrimaeveneris: ::facepalm::
zer0t3ch: *facedesk*
| 7 | 14.428571 | |
1398393844 | 1398454598 | t3_23x476 | t5_2to41 | 17 | almosthermit: TIFU and smashed the windshield of my new car with its hood.
So today I went and purchased a new car from a stranger. It is a nice car, not too fancy, but definitely an upgrade from what I had. Anyways it drives great and I was really happy about buying it. When I was driving it home, I stopped for groceries and put them in the trunk. Thing is, I didn't know all of the car controls, so when I went to pop the trunk I didn't realize it doesn't pop...you just open it. So I ended up pulling the lever for the hood instead of the trunk.
Fast forward a few hours, and I'm driving home from hanging out with a friend. The hood flies open and smashes into the windshield. It cracked the windshield and the hood is bent pretty bad, enough to get it replaced. It completely didn't register that this was all my fault until after I explained what had happened and how confused about it I was to my mother, my mechanic, my friend whom I had just hung out with, and the guy who sold me the car.
The guy who sold it is offering to help me with the damages and now I feel like shit because I don't know whether I should tell him about what caused this or whether I should just let him help me since I can't cover the damages....I'm a terrible person with a guilty conscience. No one knows it is my fault but me.
brianleepy: You didn't fuck up. Most if not all cars have a "locking" mechanism on the hood to prevent this from happening. Check your old car, just pulling the hood release switch on the car doesn't fully release the hood. You must skip your fingers under the hood to release the latch. There's no way that would/should happen.
TLDR: either the engineer of the car was high when designing the hood or the seller broke the lock that prevents what happened to you.
almosthermit: Thank you so much! This just lifted so much weight off my chest. So it was the seller's fuck up, not mine? So I should let him cover the damages?
brianleepy: First of all, have you never open and closed a car hood before? It seems to me you didn't even know pulling on the lever only pops up the hood and not fully unlocks it.
First of all you should determine what actually happened.
a) The hood wasn't closed properly from the start
b) The latch didn't exist in the first place (Highly unlikely...all cars should have it)
c) The latch broke for some reason
d) Anything else
It seems to me you know nothing about cars. Go find someone you trust and ask him/her to have a look.
edit: What car did you buy? I know cars from the 50s have the latch. Heck I think the ford model T has it.
http://www.ebay.com/gds/How-to-Open-a-Stuck-Car-Hood-/10000000177633470/g.html
Read about the safety latch I was talking about if you didn't understand what i meant.
almosthermit: It has a latch! It was a little sticky, but all of the mechanics I talked to couldn't figure out how it even happened. Whatever. Must be my luck.
Thanks for your advice!
| 5 | 3.4 | |
1398387187 | 1398450805 | t3_23wty4 | t5_2to41 | 42 | armchairphilosophist: TIFU by giving $40 to a kid I felt sorry for
Just after I finish having dinner, there's a knock on my door. I'm currently staying in a corporate apartment at a new job in a new city, so this is pretty unexpected. I open it and there's a kid there, maybe 20 years old, talking a mile a minute about how he's in some kind of contest to improve his social skills and win a trip and fund his education and a whole bunch of other obvious bullshit.
As he's speed-talking all I can do is think about what a shitty life this kid must have to be sucked into a seedy door-to-door magazine subscription gig. He has all these crazy half-hand-written cards detailing a hilariously complex and clearly bogus point system, a dozen different pamphlets listing magazines and their costs, as well as stickers with strange rhyming phrases on them that he says are for "nice people" who help him get points.
I tell him I don't want any magazines, and he says that's ok because he has a list of people who he visited already who wanted magazines but couldn't afford them who were just waiting for a "nice person" like me to donate one of their magazines to them.
He very strongly reminds me of my wife's brother, who is schizophrenic and truly one of the most friendliest and gullible people you could ever meet. I tell him yeah, I'll donate some money for one of those people or "you know, if you need to buy any supplies for that big trip you're going to win" *wink wink*...
Sadly, he seems oblivious to the hint and proceeds to fill out a receipt for me, with my name, a fake phone number that I recite to him, and the address of this corporate apartment that I'll be leaving in a couple months anyway. He exuberantly thanks me "for the points," slaps one of his hand-made stickers on my door (which I remove shortly after he leaves), and goes on his way.
I felt okay about it, like maybe I just helped a kid who's down on his luck a little bit... but then I did some DDGing and found [this story that the New York Times ran in 2007](http://www.nytimes.com/2007/02/21/us/21magcrew.html?fta=y&_r=0) which details what life on these "mag crews" is really like. It was only then that I fully grasped that the kid at my door was the real victim. He's going to go straight back to whatever bus dropped him off here and hand my $40 over to some seedy asshole who cares more about it than he does the kid who brought it to him. He'll never win the trips or prizes he may think he's working toward. He'll never succeed at anything as long as he's being controlled by the sick fuckers who are using him.
So yeah, today I fucked up by basically handing $40 over to some douche who's abusing kids for his own financial gain. But at least I'm not alone--I guess life itself is fucked up pretty bad too.
saac22: Oh my god, I started reading this and it sounded like almost the exact same thing that happened to me last year.
I was at my apartment alone and this guy knocked on my door, I'd say a little older than 20 but no older than 25, doing the same spiel that you got. I decided to be too polite and listen to him and answer his questions, and so eventually he ended up inside with everything spread out explaining it all to me. He seemed like he was hyped up on some kind of drug or just really nervous (or both) or something, and I'm a small girl so I was pretty paranoid about this guy so I ended up giving him $60 to go towards magazines for a children's hospital.
I immediately regretted my decision after he left but thankfully I was able to email the program/company/whatever and I actually got a check in the mail with a full refund.
ccccccckkkkkkkkkkkk: The fact that you got a full refund makes that company almost look reputable...
almost.
saac22: I was pretty sure I just wasn't going to get any response. First I ended up getting an email that asked me to prove I gave the guy a check, except that I gave him cash so that was pretty impossible. Then I was *sure* they weren't gonna do anything but I just sent them another email saying the refund slip clearly says I paid cash and whoever was dealing with me sent the check right away.
b2311e: It might be because they didn't want you to contact the authorities or whatever
| 5 | 8.4 | |
1398271807 | 1398404647 | t3_23s375 | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by ordering sex toys adressed to my mother
My neighbours who usually accept my packages are on vacation so I knew I had get my orders shipped to my parents for the next few weeks. No problem, it's not like they would open any packages that are adressed to me.
My girlfriend and I recently started exploring our kinkier sides which led to me ordering a riding crop from amazon. I've had stuff shipped to my parents before so I just had to select the stored adress and hit send. The package was in my hallway yesterday when I got off work and I noticed that it was actually adressed directly to my mother but the package seemed intact. "That was a close one" I thought.
Cut to today, I'm on the phone with my mom thanking her for dropping off my package so quickly when she tells me "My name was on it so I opened it but I saw it wasn't for me so I thought it must be yours". I managed to get out the words "you opened it?" to avoid the uncomfortable silence and buy me time to process what happened and find a way to change topics.
Under other circumstances I probably would have found a smoother segue than "... soo, you still doing zumba?".
TL;DR: Sent mom a riding crop even though she has no interest in equestrian sports.
donald-duc: May i ask what was in the package
LeopardJockey: A riding crop
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1398391488 | 1398487709 | t3_23x0p6 | t5_2to41 | 67 | [deleted]: Tifu by trying to fart before a big race
So last Saturday I had a big track meet. My coach had me running the 4x1 4x2, and the 400. We came in first in the 4x1, and the time was coming for the 400. Now even though I'm good at the race, I still get super nervous. Before the race was about to start, I felt a little fart coming. I thought to myself "if I release this demon I'll run faster." But boy was I wrong. As I fart, a huge load of sloppy feces explodes out my ass and through my compression shorts. I try to ask the starter of the race if I can not run and change, but before I can he fires the starting gun. Step by step I could feel the warm, drippy feeling of shit running down my leg. It was the worst experience of my young life. Step after step was followed by particles of shit. It eventually became to much that when I was behind the bleachers, I tore my shorts and tried to get some of the poop out of there. No luck. As I finish the race, the poop was so large that I quit running and was power walking the rest I the race. As I cross the finish, the starter asks me "what we're you doing?" I simply looked at him and have him the finger and walked away. What did I learn from this horrible experience? Never try to fart before a race, because you WILL shit..... Everywhere.
moochie94: We should have a week on this thread where no "I shit myself" stories are allowed and just see how it goes. I wonder what the most common fuck up will be then?
T3hBau5: >are aloud
Try again.
epiphany_cookie: WHAT?
That_Deaf_Guy: ***WHAT?!***
Matttized: wut
Fim0458: u wot m8?
| 7 | 9.571429 | |
1398398453 | 1398461681 | t3_23xanv | t5_2to41 | 16 | MORDECAIden: TIFU by texting my mom a sexually explicit reddit thread NSFW
A little background here. I am 34 yo male, and I am dating a Redditor. Tonight she learns my username. ;). Mom is not conservative by any means, but older, in her 70's.
So this girl and I have a habit of sending threads back and forth with each other. Sunday night we send several threads back and forth. Tuesday morning I'm going through my phone, and almost shit myself when I noticed I sent the following text to my mother:
"Guess I need to work on something http://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/23grox/does_this_gross_guys_out/"
If you don't feel like clicking it is a very explicit thread about not having condoms on, swallowing cum, and swapping it with each other.
It had been two days already and no response from mom. Wasn't sure if she had read it, but she didn't respond. I decided to send the following text "Soooo. That was not meant for you. If you haven't opened, great, please don't. If you have, I'm sorry, and please pretend you didn't. No need need to discuss. And really don't open that."
I saw her today, Thursday, and she acted as if nothing happened, just her normal awesome self. Love my mom. No idea if she ever read thread, probably never will.
TLDR: TIFU by sending a thread to my mother explaining I need to work on kissing after she swallows my cum, however it was meant for a girl that actually blows me, and not my mother with whom I've had no sexual contact.
That_Deaf_Guy: >No need need to discuss
You won't fool my brain OP, I registered both the needs.
MORDECAIden: Please explain.
That_Deaf_Guy: If people read "the the" in a sentence, they usually don't notice there's a second "the" as their brain doesn't register it. Your poster says "no need need to discuss it" therefore my brain is superior...
MORDECAIden: Fancy that! Not even going to edit. Well done smarty.
| 5 | 3.2 | |
1398420294 | 1398551413 | t3_23xuje | t5_2to41 | 1,083 | Luklaus: TIFU by incorrectly titling an email
I just realised that I did this a few minutes ago and I feel terrible about it.
So for some context, currently my parents are in another state trying to sell their home which was previously being rented out. The tenants' water bill was incorrectly sent to our new address, so my mother asked me to take a photo of the bill and e-mail it to her so she can forward it on to the real-estate agent who is managing our property.
Now, often when e-mailing between family I'll give e-mails light hearted and humorous names for my own personal satisfaction. For some reason I find it funny to see an oddly titled e-mail juxtaposed with hundreds of professional looking ones. They're not going to be seen outside the family circle, so why not? In this case I decided to title the e-mail "My nigga", and thought nothing more of it.
It's worth mentioning that my mother is extremely computer illiterate and is okay at performing simple tasks such as sending e-mails, checking her facebook, etc. but not much else. About 2 weeks ago I taught her how to forward e-mails so she seems to have this under her belt now. Just in case, I regularly check her emails to make everything is going smoothly.
So today I open up her inbox and see the e-mail that I sent to her yesterday titled "My nigga", and chuckle a little to myself of what a funny bastard I am. What I now notice though, is that she has forwarded "My nigga" directly (title and all) to our real-estate agent, Sally, with a polite message asking her to forward the bill to the tenants. At this point I should probably mention that Sally is a very kind, quiet, but professional lady who happens to be black.
I now feel terrible for both Sally and my mother. I clearly did not think through the title of the email at all, and did not realise that my mother would forward it straight to Sally (well at least without changing the title!). Sally hasn't replied to "My nigga" yet, but I just hope she doesn't take it personally.
EDIT:
Here's a screenshot of the forwarded e-mail to Sally from my mother:
http://i.imgur.com/ed1jnsY.jpg
I'm now awaiting Sally's reply.
[deleted]: Are you black or non black? Because that makes a difference. If you're non black, then using the n word is a racist fuck up in and of itself and you pretty much deserve whatever angry response you get from 'Sally.'
Farun: I don't like the idea that somebody can't do something because of the color of their skin. Either the word is okay for everyone or for no one.
[deleted]: Sorry, but that's just not true. Some things are culturally okay and some things are not. It's not okay for some random white girl to dress up in Indian garb. It's cultural appropriation and it's wrong and racist. Similarly, it's not okay for some random white dude to use the n word just because 'all the black people are doing it.'
merkonical: You might wanna checkout tumblr. None of what you said in that comment is racist. Well aside from you saying white people aren't allowed to do this or that because they are white. It's a fucking word, get over it.
[deleted]: Racism and white privilege at its finest.
Everyone Else: "Hey white people, you can be born into better circumstances than anyone else in the world. You can have your features be the standard of beauty. You can make more money than other races. You can enslave others. You can conquer natives and take over their land. You can have all of that, but you just can't say this one little word. Can you handle that, white people"
White People: What do you mean we can't use one word. It's our right to have all of that and use that word. It's racist that you won't let us use that one word!
merkonical: Wow you know me so well.
You are pretty much implying that people can't be racist against white people. It doesn't matter if it's just saying one word, saying you can't do something because of your race is racist. Everyone has the right to use a word. Or everyone doesn't have the right to use it, to base who can and can't do something because of race is racist.
Also when did they make a law saying I could enslave others? I've got a fair bit of shit to get done so some slaves would be great. I better go oppress some natives.
[deleted]: Re-read your comment and tell me again how you aren't racist. I mean, you literally just proved my point for me. I don't have to say anything else. You made my case for me.
merkonical: You really are deluded, mate.
[deleted]: Not saying anything else. Letting the comment speak for itself. I really don't have to say anything. That comment really just said it all for me.
merkonical: Let me get this straight. I am racist because I think that race being a restriction is wrong?
You're the one saying people shouldn't wear the dress of a culture that isn't theirs and I'm the racist?
[deleted]: Reddit is a very racist and sexist community so they will probably love this story and upvote you, but just think of the black woman who opens her email and finds something addressed to her from a white client that is labeled 'nigger.' I guess if you're not black you probably can't understand how painful it is to be called that word by a white person. But trust me, it fucking hurts. That's why white people shouldn't use that word. It has a painful, terrible history. People, young black people with their whole life ahead of them, were hung from trees by their neck because of racism. So if a black person says, hey can you please not use this one little word because it's hurtful when you do, the slightest, most decent, human thing would be not to use that word if you aren't black. But as I said, reddit is a truly racist community, so I'm sure this will be downvoted and you will be upvoted. And that is the last comment I will make in this thread. Just sad to see reddit, where most of the community is liberal, displaying their blatant racism and telling this kid it is okay to use that word as long as he uses it behind the backs of black people. Just sad.
merkonical: I know the history behind the word. I know the effects of the word. I know how bad it can be.
I fully understand how offensive it could be to that women. I never said its okay only if you say it behind their back. You can say nigger without racist intent. I did it just now. So did the guy who sent the email. The point I've been trying to make is that it is racist to say a person cant do something because of their race. As for saying nigger or nigga I expect people to have enough sense and social awareness as to know to know how hurtful it can be to people. I don't agree saying 'oh you're white so don't do this' is okay that's just social separation of race. I don't believe a white person saying nigga or nigger automatically makes them racist. I believe discriminating and viewing people negatively because of their race makes a person racist, not using a word.
| 13 | 83.307692 | |
1398403597 | 1398569002 | t3_23xgmv | t5_2to41 | 29 | AdmiralMudkip: TIFU by attempting to tell off a coach.
I fucked up.
I'm a high school student and I umpire baseball games as a job/hobby.
Just got back from a game, it wasn't really close, 8-2 was the final score. The coach in question was on the losing team.
Here's what went down: Somewhere around the third or fourth inning there was a play around home plate, where the runner for the coach's team was trying to get home, but was unsuccessful, and I called him out. It was a close play, and he apparently didn't like my call all that much because in the brief moments between the play happening and me actually making the call, the opposing team's parents were yelling that he should be out.
He didn't appreciate my call one bit.
Being a louder person, he let everyone around him know how much he didn't appreciate my call.
Fast forward to the end of the game, I wanted to let him know that I didn't appreciate what he said, and basically wanted to say "If you're going to mouth me, do it so I can't hear it" type thing.
I probably should have given it more thought.
After shaking hands with the team's, he was near the end of the line, and I called him over.
I open my stupid mouth and say:
"I don't have the crayons to explain it to you, but I'll try and put it into words. I don-"
And the he walked away.
He called out from over his shoulder "I'll be talking to [INSERT HEAD OF UMPIRING HERE] about this."
And then I thought:
"Oh shit."
I fucked up. Thanks for reading.
mr_punchy: Need more info, because unless he has pull he can talk all he wants. How did this end? Yelled at? Fired? Both?
You were in the right, and he should be setting a better example for his team/students.
AdmiralMudkip: It just happened last night, I'm not sure how it will end, but I don't think anything major will come out of it, as I'm one of the few senior umpires, but as the head umpire said when I talked to him, we'll talk on Saturday.
Compared to a lot of people, this is a pretty minor fuck up, but it's mine and I'll be the one dealing with the consequences on Saturday.
tredlekrip: How did it go?
AdmiralMudkip: I went for my scheduled game, umped it, and the head ump didn't show.
However, I and a high up exchanged emails about the situation and I told him that I had already written an apology and just needed his email address to send it, and he seemed pleased. Sent that off this morning.
Basically now I wait. I think I handled it the best I could have, so that's a plus.
tredlekrip: Good luck, OP!
| 6 | 4.833333 | |
1398400997 | 1398494507 | t3_23xduo | t5_2to41 | 20 | Trahs: TIFU by eating half a bag of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and 3 bowls of Captain Crunch Berries
Was watching Netflix and eating the Reese's and Captain Crunch Berries and made the mistake of leaving both packages of food on my desk. Continued to eat until I felt sick and spent the last 30 minutes in the bathroom. Went through 2 rolls of toilet paper and may have to go back to the bathroom after posting this.
[deleted]: You are going to have the most colorful shit of your life. Them crunch berries...
KhetdaNight: That reminds me of the time I drank too much cream soda...
ZeraskGuilda: Wait..... There's a such thing as "Too much Cream Soda"?
Cream Soda, kiwis, and salt water taffy. The only non-alcoholic, non-sexual things in life that I will consume in mass quantities and keep going. Almost like an addiction, really.
| 4 | 5 | |
1398432115 | 1398448375 | t3_23y624 | t5_2to41 | 54 | A7XnJackDaniels: TIFU by setting myself on fire
So as these tend to go this didn't happen today. I remembered this last night from years ago while sitting around a fire drinking with friends.
So there used to be this stump in the back of my mother's yard. My sister's boyfriend (we'll call him Reginald) and I had talked about how we should get rid of it. We were originally going to grind it but we couldn't find anybody to lend us a stump grinder. Finally we go to Lowe's and get some stuff to break it down and dry it out so we could set it ablaze. We drill holes in it and pour them bad boys in there and now we play the waiting game.
Some time passes when eventually Reginald informs me it is ready to burn it down. I get excited because my mother is out of town which means I can bring alcohol over while we do this. So we meet at my mother's house. I have the alcohol and he has the gasoline. Haha. Now, to be honest everything would have been fine if I had just brought beer but no...I brought a fifth of Jack Daniels...
So now we are a few shots and beers deep and I decide that the stump isn't burning hot enough so I go and grab the gas can. I had executed this technique earlier when the Sun was still in the sky but now it was dark and I was hammered. I walk up to the burning stump and just before I go to pour the accelerant over the flames I hear my sister yell, "What are you about to do?" I turned to her and said, "Don't worry I did this earlier." I turn back to the fire and proceed to carry out what could have been my undoing.
As soon as that liquid met with that heat the stream pouring out of the can turned into a waterfall of hell fire. I freaked out and pulled back, which was a mistake because when I did I jerked the can as well causing flaming gasoline to soak my head and body. Luckily I had the presence of mind to drop the can and start brushing the flames. I hear my sister screaming and crying which breaks my heart and now I think I'm going to die. Haha. Reginald just keeps shouting, "Oh shit!"
Finally I put out the flames and see the gas can is flaming from the spout so I run to it and kick it. Again, luckily that worked and now the only thing burning is the stump.
TL;DR TIFU by getting hammered while burning a stump, then set myself on fire and traumatizing my sister.
ternestavick: Was there any serious damage dealt?
A7XnJackDaniels: No, I reacted quick enough to keep from getting burned. My hair singed a little but that is it. I still wonder sometimes how the hell I didn't get fucked up beyond recognition.
charden_sama: I'm seeing you all over the place today.
| 4 | 13.5 | |
1398374255 | 1398441702 | t3_23w8e1 | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by making fun of myself
Because I walk with a cane, I refer to myself as "gimpy" quite often. I kind of adopted it after some douchebags in high school used it as an insult. So there's your background.
Last night, I got out of a night class and realized that I didn't have the rubric for an assignment (Paper copy. Professor is about eighty and doesn't know what a computer is.) At the end of class, a guy offered to go to the library and copy his for me.
We got to talking, and as I'm awkward the conversation was stilted and weird. He's a transfer student and so doesn't quite know his way around campus yet, and asked if there was a shortcut into the library. There are two entrances that are both on the same side of the building, which was the opposite as we were on. Did I mention it was raining? Well, it was raining.
So we get around to the other side of the building (finally), and what do I say?
"Sorry you had to walk around with a gimp in the rain."
He just stared. I mentally facepalmed.
Hbeeman: I don't get it...
Clarky2142475: Me neither.
| 3 | 1 | |
1398408150 | 1398444154 | t3_23xl3i | t5_2to41 | 3 | Wheres_Lefty: TIFU by tricking a girl into thinking she was gonna die
So I work at a summer camp for a circus, I'm 16, and the kids are being kids. There is this one girl though, maybe like 12, that has been harassing me nonstop and disobeying all my instructions. One day, we're on a playground and everyone goes inside, except her, because she's collecting her stuff. I notice she's drinking from a thermos and that it's old and the paint is chipped a little inside the bottle. Now, most people wouldn't even notice that, but I noticed and decided to get back at her. I told her that the paint would enter her bloodstream and that she was going to die from lead poisoning or some form of paint poisoning. Luckily no one found out, and granted, I never apologized, but hopefully it'll stay on the DL. I realize it was a terrible thing to say, she didn't cry or anything, but she did get mildly upset. Actually pretty mature for a 12 year old...
TL;DR I fucked up by making a bad camper think she was gonna die.
L3ftyrocks89: Dude, not cool.
Monso: Not fucking cool at all.
| 3 | 1 | |
1398445047 | 1398484558 | t3_23yq3w | t5_2to41 | 819 | [deleted]: TIFU by giving hotel guests the wrong keys.
This actually happened about 2 years ago, but it should be known. I was working as a front desk receptionist for a really nice 5-star hotel. We were trained to memorize all hotel guests by their name, face, and room number; this makes us seem like we are "above and beyond." I was just trained and that day was my first time being able to work on my own without supervision, so I was stoked and really doing my best to be professional and not fuck up.
One guest tried to check-in early, let's call him "Mr. Davis." We told him it was going to be about 1 hour until the room was available, and of course, he was PISSED. He was raising his voice, blaming *me* for the timing of the room, and was really acting up. Naturally I memorized his face/name/room number purely from the colorful scene he caused. I told Mr. Davis that I was stepping away to go on my break and by the time I returned, his room should be ready. NOTE: I made a comment in his reservation portfolio that it was important to NOT move him to another room, as we had a special gift basket and wine waiting for him.
I returned from my break and sure enough, Mr. Davis is waiting for me to issue him his keys. I check him in, give the spiel, "Here are your keys to room #412..." and I send him on his way. Not even 2 minutes later, he and his wife return and are so pissed/livid/enraged with me. They walked into their hotel room to find a young couple in their 20's furiously fucking on the bed! As it turns out, when I was on my break someone moved them into a different room that was ready so Mr. Davis would stop yelling at the staff. When I returned, I was still thinking he was in the initial room, #412, and didn't bother to check the computer. The young couple that was actually checked into #412 came down as well but they weren't upset. They actually laughed about it which made me feel a wee bit better.
**TL;DR I gave someone the wrong hotel room keys, they walked in on a couple having sex.**
thehandyandyman: Doesn't sound as if it was really your fault.
[deleted]: Good point, but I feel I should have verified with the computer to really cover my tracks. Oh well, I laugh about it now but I was cringing that day.
devals: I've worked in hospitality, and by the standards of where I've worked at least, you made a few big mistakes- but you were just trained, so I'm sure they'll take that into consideration.
(Never tell a guest you're "going on break", *especially* if they're upset about something, even if there's nothing you can do about their particular problem, it just looks/sounds bad and will only piss them off further. ALWAYS check the computer before giving out room keys (*especially* after you've been away from the desk for awhile). And you probably should have moved him to a clean room sooner rather than wait for one to be ready just b/c it was the one with the amenities in it- those can easily be moved (and if he was "important" enough to have those waiting him, he was probably important enough for an early check-in.)
[deleted]: I couldn't agree more, I'm so embarrassed now but it was a definite learning lesson.
| 5 | 163.8 | |
1398467879 | 1398516914 | t3_23zq0c | t5_2to41 | 34 | [deleted]: TIFU by likely ruining my life and my best friend's life as well
This monumental fuck up has been building up over the past few months and finally culminated today.
Some Back-story: in January I started my first semester of college, I started talking to this girl that I will refer to as "Jen". We both are 19 and live with our families, Jen however can't move out since her mother is a piece of shit that doesn't feel like raising all of Jen's siblings, so the responsibility falls on Jen.
We started hooking up, now normally that would be okay but not in her case. Her mother controls her whole life so, we had to sneak around before she had to go home. Having to do this lead us to start skipping class so we could hang out. We hit a rough patch when we both realized her mother would find out about us being together and called it off. I admittedly fell for Jen. Out of sadness, I began drinking Jack Daniels and smoking pot like I used to in High School. My family found out about this and were very upset because they thought I had quit that stuff. They threatened to throw me out.
The two of us stayed friends because our friends wanted us too. Jen told me she had never smoked pot before and wanted to try it, so I obligated and smoked with her for her first time. after that she disappeared for this past week and no one could find her.
Today: I get a message from Jen saying she wasn't coming back to campus because her mother took her phone and went through ALL of our messages and found out about us hooking up and me smoking with her.
Tl;DR: I failed myself and a good friend out of college, got her barred from ever seeing me again or coming back to campus, and almost got myself thrown out. Moral of the story is stay in school and drugs actually are bad.
Another100Trillion: Actually. You can't blame the drugs ... You have to blame your timing and judgement if when to use them. Everything has a time and place ... And because this girl child is still beholden to her family for everything she fucked up by not being careful.
She fucked up ....
As for you ... Yeah cutting class to screw is always fun in the short term .... But it's not like you wouldn't have a chance to screw about after you got your education and a decent job.
Time and place ..... That's your issue. Not the drugs.
Kharmaticlism: Your phrasing was a lot more eloquent and kind than mine would have been. Props for getting the message across, and being a gentleman.
Another100Trillion: Thanks, but I simply couldn't have him going bout maligning the drugs.
| 4 | 8.5 | |
1398455693 | 1398524509 | t3_23z7g2 | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU in rehearsal, and my shirt payed for it.
This was actually yesterday.
I'm in my college's production of Macbeth, and after one scene in yesterday's rehearsal I exited off stage in the wrong place. We have 12 entrances/exits around the stage and I forgot that my exit was moved from Exit 8 to exit 9. I nearly ran into our Banquo, and after recovering from the near collision I turned around and (like an idiot) walked back on stage to go off the right way. We were in the middle of a scene change so I didn't disrupt anything, but it was still fairly stupid. Then I forgot that I was in the very next scene, so I turned around and ran towards my entrance.
Then my shirt got snagged on a door handle as I was running and it tore a hole in the back, and I lost a button in the process. I managed to miss my entrance by about 10 seconds, which isn't terrible but it's still not good.
rivermelodyidk: Thank god it was during a scene change.
What part do you have, if you don't mind my asking?
[deleted]: The Thane of Ross.
rivermelodyidk: Awesome! Congrats.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1398475243 | 1398480534 | t3_23zziy | t5_2to41 | 12 | crazyycattladyy: TIFU BY TYPING A PAPER, printing it, exing out without saving so I have to retype it
It was only a draft now I have to retype the whole thing
threeys: Scan it. A lot of software can convert pdfs to text
70ProofWhiteMonkey: This is an amazing idea. Ten bucks OP doesn't have a scanner.
crazyycattladyy: Op?
That_Deaf_Guy: Original Poster aka YOU.
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1398463062 | 1398686997 | t3_23zivl | t5_2to41 | 21 | this_muppet: TIFU by forgetting to feed my parent's cats
I live in the same town as my parents. They went out of town for 2 days and left me in charge of feeding their 2 cats.
They left on Tues night and came back Thurs night... and I completely forgot to feed the cats. My parents called me Thurs night when they got home asking if I'd fed them since they'd flipped their food bowls over :-(
I can't believe I didn't remember to feed them at all and feel so awful about it. I've taken care of them many times before without forgetting once. I suppose the only saving grace was that they have a largish self-waterer so they didn't die of dehydration.
TinMachine: My cat asks to be fed about 4-6 times a day (she's about eight months and teeny-tiny) and she goes mental if she feels unfed. Her wrath after two days with no food is a terrifying prospect. i think she'd eat my dog.
fallouthirteen: That's what I was thinking. Two days they can probably handle, but they are going to be pretty pissed off.
| 3 | 7 | |
1398478238 | 1398482881 | t3_2403ci | t5_2to41 | 204 | [deleted]: TIFU by hitting a couple NSFW links while on the company VPN. Up came the warning block screen with my login name and "Blocked: Pornography"
Longer version:
I don't normally use the company network for browsing. Today I has to VPN because it was password reset time. I changed my password, locked the workstation and unlocked it so that Windows would catch up to the new password. Forgot that I was still on VPN and continued my day.
Then I took a mental break by hitting reddit. I had been logged in with a reddit account that is subscribed to a few nsfw subreddits. I click through a couple. They're imgur links so not directly or automatically flagged as adult. Then I clicked on something the comments page of one and because the reddit is nsfw, I got the "blocked" screen.
I always avoid hitting reddit and any such linkage while on the VPN. TIFU by forgetting.
So - anyone that sees those logs -- do you guys ever do anything with them?
SisterBob: Besides bookmarking them for later use, it depends how much a dick the manager is.
I'm the manager right now and I check the logs against the tickets and work folks do. If you get through all your work and look at titties, I let it go but note it for the other managers (we have a tag for borderline behavior). If you're slacking off to look at snatches, I go get your manager. If you look at illegal shit like child porn, I go to HR and we hit you with a brick.
I should note, our HR department has a liquor cabinet and a clause in our by laws to allow it, so we are pretty lax.
toogaloon: That was a remarkably thoughtful and relevant response. Not at all what I was expecting; upvote for you
| 3 | 68 | |
1398484411 | 1398495514 | t3_240auz | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU asking a girl to prom
I got to school in the morning with the intention of attaching a letter to her car so that she'd read it at the end of the school day. Unfortunately, when I got to school, it was raining, so that plan was out the window. Thankfully I had a Plan B... kind of. I didn't want to ask her in person because she almost always is around a group of her friends. Asking her to go to prom with me in front of a bunch of her friends would have likely ended up with me throwing up. In fact, I was close to throwing up once I realized how big of a fuck up I might have made on Plan B.
My backup plan was to put the letter on her locker. The only problem with this was that I wasn't 100% sure where her locker was, as I never had a reason to hang out around her locker to see exactly where her locker was. So I put the letter on the locker where I had reason to believe it was hers. Thankfully, I wrote her name on the letter, or else this fuck up would have been a much bigger fuck up than it actually was.
So, I realized how I might have fucked up almost immediately, and spent about half the day with my stomach in knots, up until the girl I asked sent me a text to go and talk to her. She then informed me that I put the note on the wrong locker. Luckily I was close, and I wrote her name on the letter (I almost didn't). She saw the letter with her name on it, and put 2 and 2 together, and found out the letter near her locker with her name on it was intended for her. Thankfully we are good friends, so she still said yes after I fucked up and got the wrong locker. That could have been a much bigger fuck up than it ended up being, but it was still a fuck up none the less.
**TIFU by asking a girl to prom by taping a letter to her locker. Except it wasn't her locker.**
oc148: Kinda late now but advice for others, do it in person. It sounds like she's just your friend so that should of made it easier. I'm a guy but it should be clear to most of the fellow men that in person is a 100 times better. You've also got a better chance of being accepted.
InconspicuousTree: Yeah, I would have asked her in person, but the fact that she is almost always with a group of her friends intimidated me. I was going to ask her in person, but I just felt like there was never a right moment, and any moment I chose in person would have been a bit awkward.
oc148: I feel you , but asking around her friends could of also been a plus. They all go "awwwwww" and she's flattered. When I asked a girl to homecoming back in October I did it infront of a few of her friends and that's exactly now it worked.
| 4 | 1 | |
1398489596 | 1398532082 | t3_240ghh | t5_2to41 | 680 | Men2Geezer: TIFU by shaving half of my pubes, and turned down a blowjob.
Today was a sad day, contrary to Ice Cube's song, here is how my day starts:
I'm 18 and a senior in high school, so this morning i wake up around 7 AM. I get up and I do the morning rituals, you know the usual brush teethe and taking a shit. So as I was on the toilet hanging a dookie while surfing reddit and you know I'm on my phone and I noticed that my pubes were as bushy as an 80's pornstar or I belonged in the Japanese porn industry. So I was like fuck, I'm gonna shave my pubes today.
So personally I like to shave em when I'm in the shower, so I do the shampoo in the hair and body wash etc and then I get down to cutting the lawn. So you know the stuff is coming off filling the sink hole and as soon as I do one side of my pubes, I hear a loud fucking knock on the door, which makes me slip and hit my head on the wall of the shower. So I'm pissed and my head hurts and it's pumping meanwhile my sister is slamming on the door, and crys in a squeaky annoying voice " I need to use the washroom you're taking to fucking long!" after that, I told her to fuck off and then she kept knocking on the door, so I was like fuck it, I'll shave the other half later. I clean my pubes out of the washroom and I'm on my way to school.
School is happening fast forward a bit and during 2nd period, I talk and flirt with this girl all of the time and today she invited me to go to her house during lunch. I thought she just wanted to make me food, but clearly not. I walk inside and she tells me to sit and relax. So I lounge on her couch watch TV whatever, she comes back and yada yada yada we start making out, I wasn't feeling this because I was genuinely hungry, I just wanted to eat something but I fought through it. She eventually starts feeling me up, and as she gets down on her knees I remember I only shaved half of my pubes and its an ugly mess down there. Realizing this I push her back a bit she balances herself with her hands and when I looked up at her face she had the look of confusion and disgust. Meanwhile I was agitated as fuck so I just say "I'm not feeling it today", she gets mad and is like what the fuck, she was pissed and disbelieved that I would turn down a bj. After this we grabbed our stuff and just silently drove back to school not saying a word.
That is my fuck up, some of you bros might have not cared about the pubes thingy and going with the bj, but mine was fucked, half clean while the other half an amazon jungle. Monday will be an awkward day to sit beside her in second period.
Long story short no bj and no lunch.
UPDATE: Well I'm probably gonna text her today and tell her the story and see how things go. Maybe I'll get another chance with this chick but who knows.
Also regarding people think this story is fake, how can you upvote an accusation, that he still hasn't proven. Also think about it there are 7 billion plus people in the world and to think maybe there won't be a similar experience is crazy.
rhino2348: Or you could have, you know, explained...
Men2Geezer: Yeah, hindsight is 20/20, but thinking about it, I probably would be too embarrassed to tell her that I had half of my pubes left.
Taure: If you do explain, I'd probably leave out the part about taking a shit.
[deleted]: Definitely this.
[deleted]: What if she's into that kind of thing?
[deleted]: That might not be the most opportune time to mention waterworks or fecal works, especially with her being upset that you turn down a bj.
But if you mention it, and she likes it, win for both!
[deleted]: Well hey, while he's making confessions...
[deleted]: I see where you are coming from and I fully agree. :)
| 9 | 75.555556 | |
1398527897 | 1398704164 | t3_241byb | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by causing a car accident
I'm only 19 and still not very experienced with driving. I was driving a vehicle different from mine (my mothers). I approached a right turn with yield. Behind me is 3 lanes of traffic going straight, and opposite of that, 2 lanes turning left, and ahead of that is where someone can make a uturn. So I had several things that can go wrong. I checked before I turned and saw no one approaching, and instead of taking it one lane at time, I took all 3 lanes. I ended up ramming in to someone on their side. Everyone is okay, no one was really hurt, and the Damage was basically the side of their car scraped and some scuffs on mine. It's my first accident and I feel like I'm an idiot. I didn't see them anywhere when I made the turn, and I had no idea where they came from. They were okay with It and weren't overly upset. We let insurance handle it. I got a 154 dollar ticket. In the end we all shook hands and no harm no foul. I wish I knew how to drive a lot better right now, I feel like those idiots on the street that don't use signals or anything. I hate driving in Florida.
TL;DR: Shooken up and scared, first accident, only 19.
itsme10082005: I had my first accident at 17. Use it as a learning experience. No one is perfect, there's a reason they're called accidents and there's a reason we all but insurance. It sucks, and I'm sure you're worried your mom will hate you, but trust me, everyone will move on from it.
I remember my accident very clearly and I remember being more afraid of my dad than I was worried about the damage. The first thing my dad did when he came home was give me a hug and ask if I was alright. It's just a car. Things could have been worse.
In short, don't worry. Life goes on, and you'll learn from this.
tredlekrip: Not every family moves on from it- I had an accident around 18 and they still won't let me drive in traffic anymore, even though my mother has a suspended license and only one other person in the house can drive.
ganduri: Wow, looks like it runs in the family
| 4 | 2.75 |
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