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1398526254 | 1398533343 | t3_2419ww | t5_2to41 | 36 | Lucid_Rosa: TIFU and made a guy think I stood him up.
well it was yesterday but anyways...
I don't really have a smartphone or anything...just a prepaid flip phone that was almost out of minutes--this fact becomes relevant later
I was supposed to meet a guy for a fun afternoon of hanging out and we agreed to meet at the library at 5 yesterday...well I get there 5 minutes early and waited...and waited and waited and waited for 30 minutes and I never saw him so instead of checking outside to see if he was in like I should've. Instead, I left feeling upset that I got stood up...
well I dont have fb mobile and that's the only way I contact him...I never gave my number (second fuck up) because I was really low on minutes for this month
anyways next day I went to the library to check my fb and he sent me a message at 5:34 asking where I was and that he was INSIDE THE ENTIRE TIME!! I felt like the biggest idiot/ashole on the planet and I apologized for not checking inside and now I just feel like a horrible person and I'm just hoping that guy forgives me......
TinMachine: he'll forgive you. I imagine he feels like an idiot for not looking outside too.
Lucid_Rosa: hopefully you're right about that.. I'm sure he'll come around and if not...I guess that's for the best too
TinMachine: yeah, I'd say throwing a strop about a *mutual* mistake like this would be a very, very bad sign. But in the mean time, best of luck to the both of you!
| 4 | 9 | |
1398527470 | 1398571005 | t3_241bes | t5_2to41 | 1,203 | DaisyIsBobDylan: TIFU by being (and showing my) pussy!
UUUGGGG! I want to die. I'm mortified and so pissed off, i'm still trying to catch my breath.
So, today starts off wonderfully. It's beautiful outside. Sunny, but no humidity and a nice cool breeze. I throw my wad of hair into a sloppy bun on top of my head and slip on an elastic sun dress sans bra and panties because i'm going to shower after i walk the dogs. While on the walk I notice one of the neighbors is having their wooden fence removed and there is a whole crew of men with tools making noise in background. I see a neighborhood girl pedal past me on bike and wave. Everything goes swimmingly and I take my dog home and grab my boyfriend's dog. *uuugggh here comes the cringe*
We walk for a bit, about 40 yards. She pees and is sniffing out the perfect dumping grounds when out of fucking nowhere a cockroach buzzes by my face (and open mouth) and lands right on my left shoulder. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me, but my reaction is to scream while violently thrashing around. After about a second of doing that and realizing this roach has grabbed onto me for dear life, I made the only rational decision and in one (quite impressivly) spastic tug, I pulled my dress over my head with one hand and began to beat myself ferociously with it while running home. My boyfriend's dog was cowering in fear of me, but still ran all the way home with me while I was whipping myself with my dress. Why God? WHY?! I knew I should have done some landscaping last night!!!
UUUGGGGHHH kill me! I really don't know if anyone saw me, but FFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! Now I'm finally catching my breath, and I want to spit or throw up. I can't even discribe how I feel right now.
So that's how TIFU. PSA don't be a fucking pussy unless you don't mind showing it off.
Might be errors. I'll correct after shower. Time to wash the shame away with scalding hot shower.
EDITED for spelling.
P.S. Thank you so much for all your creepy bug stories! I am not alone, thank you fellow bug-aphobed streakers! I love you all. I can't stop laughing at these comments!
The embarrassment is dwindling a bit, but it landing on me and my stupid grunting, heaving screams keep replaying in my head! AHHH!- why am I reliving this! *twitch twitch*
typhyr: I didn't know cockroaches could fly. This is a terrifying development in my life.
forte2: Get them by the millions in Sydney. Another reason to love australia!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YVRc1RoWO1I
piper06w: Florida too, we get Palmetto bugs which are essentially giant flying cockroaches.
WhoWantsDoubleEntry: Man I hate Palmetto bugs. Had one fly straight at me after I hit it with some spray. Landed on my face and I punched myself right in the forehead. Then I pulverized that fucker on the ground with my shoe.
Those little brown flying demons are evil.
CodeMonkeys: Floridian here. Palmetto ones are the non-flying ones. You're thinking of American Cockroaches, aka Waterbugs. Palmettos are the Florida Woods Cockroaches.
WhoWantsDoubleEntry: I'm a Floridian. I looked it up, and you're right. I guess I just misidentified the bugger. He was big enough to be a Palmetto, I think is what made it so convincing.
CodeMonkeys: God, you're such a bad example of us Floridians.
[FURIOUS CORNBREAD MUNCHING INTENSIFIES]
WhoWantsDoubleEntry: I live in Palm Beach County, hate snowbirds, drink hot chocolate in July, despite being as WASPy as it gets, I know the words to Bashana Haba'ah.
Does....that make up for it?
CodeMonkeys: I *suppose*.
Happy Confederate Memorial Day, fellow Floridian!
also ^seriously ^^why ^^^is ^^^it ^^^^a ^^^^real ^^^^^holiday
WhoWantsDoubleEntry: Because Andrew Jackson was technically our first governor? No idea.
It's at the point where I don't even question it anymore. Florida just...is.
| 11 | 109.363636 | |
1398533976 | 1398548943 | t3_241kb7 | t5_2to41 | 37 | unicornofseduction: TIFU by racing my coworkers to white castle and coming across as a racist
So the other day I read the thread about the guy working at fast food and saying to a black man "we don't serve your kind here!" it instantly reminded me of this. Happened a year or two ago, I used to work in a government building in downtown cincinnati in a rather bad area on third shift. So our lunch time is at 4 am and the only place open is white castle so my friend and I decided to go that day. A group of girls from work wanted to go too but I have 2 seats in my car so they drove separate. We end up making a bet to see who gets their food first, us in the drivethru or them walking inside. We get to the window and see them just beginning to place their order and so I yell through the window "haha we beat you!" as it happens they were out of ear shot but the black guy serving us wasn't. He gives me the meanest glare I've ever seen and I hastily tried to explain to him what I meant. Friend is cringing hard and trying not to laugh. He replies "whatever you racist, hers your food" and throws it into the car. Drove away and couldn't stop laughing with friend.
Tldr accidentally yelled at a black man that we beat him
TheDemonClown: Okay, this isn't even a fuck-up on your part; this is a White Castle employee being waaaaay too goddamn touchy and self-centered. Who the hell sees someone leaning out a window and yelling, "We beat you!" at the car behind them and thinks, "He's making fun of me and slavery"?
DTorakhan: Agreed. Dude was a prick. By dude, I mean the employee, not the OP.
| 3 | 12.333333 | |
1398548697 | 1398654350 | t3_2424yv | t5_2to41 | 319 | Doktor-blitz: TIFU by being a designated driver
Ok, so I am hanging at a local hockey game with a buddy that i havent seen in a while and in intermissions we talk and try and catch up. You know, usual shit. Well, he gets this bright idea about after the game going to a party that this chick he knows is hosting. I say "sure sounds like fun" and he asks for the address and we go when the game ends. Halfway there he asks if we can stop and grab a sixpack. Ok, sure pal but i am designated driving, cops are everywhere lately. He gets in with a sixer of steel reserve and we head to the apartment complex. It's an old mill turned into apartments, real nice, high end apartments and nothing sketch at all so im feeling cool. The gate opens up in front of us as we pull up to it, which struck me as odd but i didnt think anything of it. So we park and i get out holding nothing but a coke zero and my car keys. We clamber up three fucking flights of stairs up to the apartment and ring the bell and the door opens and some like mid twenties looking girls answer. I say hi, introduce myself and walk in. I shit you not, in less than a minute of walking in i get grabbed, cuffed and told that i am under arrest for giving alcohol to a minor. I didnt have a point of contact with this chick, didnt know anything about here other than my friend knew her, except for it turns out he didnt. Fucker met her on craigslist and didnt think that he had never seen her in person was a fact worth mentioning! The cops arent listening to my story about being the DD and not knowing what was going on, my friend is freaking out, apologizing profusely and saying he will make it right he promises... Well to cut a long and fucking painful 9 hours out of the story, i got thrown in lockup and processed and it took 9 hours of sitting in a cell with 26 other people before i could leave. So from 1130 at night to 7 am i was in the hands of the law, charged with a misdemeanor and got pissed on by a drunk hobo in lockup because i wanted to be a good friend and be a designated driver.
So sorry if this reads like shit. I will revise when i get some fucking sleep. Happy cake day to me!
-Peter: Call an attorney.
Like. Right fucking now.
OGHambone: He'll get it dismissed but aiding and abetting a class 1 misdemeanor he either has to pay a shit ton of fines and he'll probs have to do community service no matter what. I was in the backseat of the car when a guy i didnt know stole beer from a harris teeter ran dead to our car, and Im doing communtiy service for class 2 misdemeanor which will get dismissed easily.
-Peter: Are you an attorney practicing in the state in which OP was arrested?
OGHambone: Unless this is'nt the internet, Im a cat and I can drop some advice from a similar and not exact situation. Are you an interrogator?
-Peter: You don't even know my real name. I'm the fucking lizard king.
OGHambone: And you think I'd give you my real identity? THIS ISNT EVEN MY FINAL FORM
| 7 | 45.571429 | |
1398558501 | 1398565242 | t3_242hzr | t5_2to41 | 39 | [deleted]: TIFU By eating a 10 pack of tacos from Taco Bell
Reddit, I'm scared.
Today my mom went to Taco Bell and bought a ten pack of tacos. However, my dad is at work, my sister is at prom, my brother doesn't like tacos and neither does my mom. That leaves just me and my little sister. My sister had one taco and was done and then my grandma ate one as well. That left 8 tacos. 8 double stacked, hard, corn-shelled, gateways to deliciousness. And that is where I met my downfall. Being the man I am, I couldn't let even one of those meat-stuffed tacos go in the trash. So, that's right, I ate all of them complete with mild sauce.
At the time of me executing this mass genocide, it did not occur to me that I would have to face the consequences of my actions. I had no idea that hours later I would need to sacrifice my bowels to Satan and deal with endless amounts of liquidy shit stream from my asshole. Thankfully, that hasn't happened yet but I've been down this road before (but less extreme) and I'm well aware of the dangers that await me at the next fiery corner of life. I can only pray that my death is quick and painless, but I know it won't.
Reddit, I'm scared.
esearcher: > meat-stuffed faggots
:-(
AngelOfDoom: What is up with the homophobic / racist slurs on TIFU recently?
esearcher: That's what I was wondering! And the phrasing was so casual, too. Ugh. :-(
| 4 | 9.75 | |
1398562302 | 1398706196 | t3_242mu9 | t5_2to41 | 219 | Wade1423: TIFU by masturbating with a stoumach ache
I had a stoumach ache for a few hours. Suddenly i had the urge to splurge. My dumbass brain says "masturbating is good for getting rid of head aches, why not stoumach ache? So i decided to do it. So as i was getting into it my stoumach ache gets worse. I ignore it and continue. Right at the climax i end up puking ALL OVER MY DICK. And when i say all over, i mean ALL over. It even covers my thighs. But thats not nearly the worst part. I end up throwing my head backwards to yell FUCK. I end up knocking my chair back and falling over THE MIX OF VOMIT AND JIZZ THEN FALLS ONTO MY CHEST. I then cleaned up the mess after a little while.
Tl;dr: I ended up vomiting on my dick and then falling backwards
dylanrush: You definitely made this up, which is a shame, because it's not very funny.
Wade1423: Does it matter wether you believe me or not?
gtipwnz: Whether
dylanrush: OP can't spell to save his life
gtipwnz: Haha that's what I'm getting out of this.
Wade1423: I am completly shit at spelling
spunkypunk: Completely*
| 8 | 27.375 | |
1398565232 | 1398618775 | t3_242qgx | t5_2to41 | 29 | Secretly_A_Goat: TIFU by wasting two hours trying to tie a bow tie
Bow ties. What the fuck. They may look classy and amazingly fashionable, but they are the single most impossible fucking things to work. Most things I have attempted have worked out pretty well for me. I can balance a checkbook. I can play Bela Bartok on the piano. I can make a rabbit trap out of sticks and twine. I cannot tie a fucking bow tie. Today, I had an important social event where dressing up was a requirement. For the first time in my life, I decided I would stray from the normal plain neckties and try on a Gatsby-esque bow tie.
Turns out, I was fucking stupid.
So I pick up my black bow tie, excited to learn how to wear one with class and flair. Now I had no idea what to do and figured youtube tutorials or even google images would explain it pretty well. How hard can it be?
Turns out, I was fucking stupid.
After finding the "easiest to understand, foolproof, most blatantly obvious way to tie a bow tie," I still couldn't figure out what the hell was going on. Tried slowing it down. Didn't work. Tried pausing it after every step. Nope. Used a mirror. Even fucking harder. This shit was impossible to learn. I'm a grown ass man, and I screamed various expletives and punched a wall. I can't remember anything more infuriating, and the worst part is, I don't know why this would piss me off. Usually not being able to learn something leads me to practice, but I'd had enough of this bow tie bullshit. After spending over 2 hours trying to work that stupid motherfucker, I realized that yep, I MISSED MY FUCKING PARTY.
Turns out, I am fucking stupid.
Couldn't just give up and tie a necktie in two seconds, could I? Nope. Had to let that son-of-a-bitching bow tie beat me in one of the simplest tasks I've undergone. This fucking stupid bow tie has singlehandedly made feel like the most useless and stupid piece of shit ever. That cocksucking black bow tie has destroyed my self confidence and made me realize that I fucking suck. A goddamn seven year old can do it in 40 seconds (I watched the video) but I didn't even come close after two fucking hours. I hate bow ties. I fucking hate them. Tomorrow, for anyone interested, I will follow up this post with me burning that piece of shit. And then I'll pee on it, to assert my dominance.
Fuck bow ties and everyone who likes them (well, except Bill Nye. Dudes pretty chill.)
The_Homestarmy: Bow ties look like shit the majority of the time. Maybe that's just me, though. I feel like they're the neckwear equivalent of fedoras.
Secretly_A_Goat: Mi'lady
| 3 | 9.666667 | |
1398567815 | 1398785350 | t3_242tl2 | t5_2to41 | 69 | [deleted]: TIFU by cumming in the car.
TIFU pretty disgustingly.
I have a really high sex libido. I usually jack off about 3 times a day.
Anyways, I went a couple days without masturbating because we took a family trip up north, to go check out some stuff up there. I had recently seen some super hot dudes (am gay) and was sort of horny, but I ignored it and started helping my parents pack up for the trip back home. After about 2 hours in the car, I close my eyes and start thinking about the guys I saw earlier. Then the car rolls over a small bump.
Without even touching my dick, I get a warm feeling all over my entire body and my dick just starts pumping jizz into my boxers. I was completely silent during this, but it was actually one of the greatest orgasms I've ever had. I started to enjoy the moment, before I realized that I was still sitting next to my brother, and his friend, who I didn't even know that well.
I started immediately panicking. I cranked up the A/C in the car to cool off because I actually felt a second cumming, and checked out the situation super sneakily. It was a bad amount of semen, but it all pooled near the bottom of the crotch area, and hadn't seeped too much into my jeans, so I decided not to make a big deal, and tried to just keep my legs pretty closed. This pushed all the jizz in my pants into my taint/butt hair. It started drying very quickly, and it became very painful very quickly.
After another two hours of driving, we got home just in time for me to run into my room and cum my pants AGAIN. I wasn't even thinking of anything erotic, it just happened. Now I've jacked off twice since we got back and just an hour ago I came my pants again. I don't even have a full erection when this is happening so I'm freaking out but hopefully I'll stop the random cumming in time for school. I guess I just have to make up for all those days of cumming lost.
tl;dr: TIFU by not Jing it for a while and then thinking naughty things in the car with my family.
lostclaw: The lonely island guys would be proud.
legitenough2quit: [Found it] (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLnWf1sQkjY)
PREDATORA: It was never lost.
| 4 | 17.25 | |
1398565962 | 1398618263 | t3_242re3 | t5_2to41 | 11 | krkfloyd: TIFU by falling down a flight of stairs and chipping my tooth
**TL;DR: didn't get enough sleep, decided to go to the gym, tripped over my own feet on my way down the stairs, landed on my face, passed out, woke up in convulsions to find that half of my right front tooth is missing.**
Last night I got home at around 4 a.m. because I was attending a concert about five hours away from where I live. I ate and fooled around a little bit after I got home, so I didn't really get to sleep until about 5 a.m. My body wakes me up at 9 a.m. on the weekends without fail, so when 9 rolled around I woke up even though I had only gotten 4 hours of sleep. I figured I would go ahead and get up because 4 hours really isn't that bad and I could always take a nap later.
I woke up, ate breakfast, and then I motivated myself to get off of my ass and go to the gym. I had left my water bottle in my car the night before, so I headed out to get it. There are about 4 stairs on my porch, but they're stone stairs and they haven't been maintenance since the stairs were installed about 30 years ago so they aren't in good shape. I made it down about two stairs and either my ankle gave out (at the concert there was a lot of pushing, and a lot of strain on my ankles so this is a very real possibility) or I stepped on a bad part of the stairs and I ended up falling.
I remember at the time I was like, "fuck" and aware that I had fallen, but then I blacked out. Luckily my mom was right beside the door so she heard me go down and came outside. It felt like I was only out for a few seconds but she said I was gone for about a minute or two. She got me to come to, but apparently I was convulsing when I did and I didn't know where I was at. It took me a few seconds for everything to stop being so fuzzy and then I remembered that I had fallen. Luckily I didn't sustain any head injuries from the fall other than a concussion, but I did knock half of my right front tooth off.
It was devastating for a while, but the tooth that fell out *was* kind of crooked anyways so when I get a replacement it'll be better than before. The only part that sucks is that dentist offices aren't open on the weekends so I won't be able to fix it until Monday.
I live in West Virginia, so I guess I *do* fit in with everyone else now.
bbnpnt: I'm so sorry for you. That's one of my biggest fears!
krkfloyd: It sucks, and I'm not leaving my house until it gets fixed but at least I can afford a replacement.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1398564181 | 1398630864 | t3_242p6m | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: TIFU by knowing how to use the internet.
Okay, I guess I'll start this out by saying that this happened Monday rather than today, but whatever, I guess.
Let's get some background on this. I'm in highschool right now, so it's only natural to have a least favorite teacher. MY least favorite teacher... to stay safe and to avoid being a dick, let's call her some generic name like Mrs. Jones. Mrs. Jones, my English teacher, is the kind of person that is absolutely convinced they are surrounded by morons and makes sure everyone knows it, trying whenever the opportunity presents itself, to make you look stupid.
She acts like absolutely everyone is in first grade, so when we do stuff in class, she takes 30 of our 45 minutes of class time explaining ridiculously easy and unnecessary things like adding a printer to your settings. I have a lot of other bad things to say about Mrs. Jones, but that's the only thing relevant to this story.
Speaking of the story, let's get to that :D
So, on Monday, we go into class and are assigned with the task of making individual powerpoints about the biographies we read through the month. We have a packet of instructions. Easy enough, right? Nah, Mrs. Jones needs to explain to us how to download and use pictures from the internet for our powerpoints. This is normal and we've had this class all year, so us students let it go. That is, until Mrs. Jones gives incorrect information.
She writes two things on the board: www.google.com, and some other url about books. She's telling us about how google images should not be labeled as the source for whatever picture you're using. In doing so, she states that www.google.com is not a URL, but simply a search engine.
Being the smart-ass I am, I wait for her to finish her rant, raise my hand, and am called on. I say "just pointing it out, but www.google.com is indeed a URL. The website it brings you to has a search engine on it, but if you type that into that bar on the top," (I'm mocking her at this point, but in a subtle way.) "it'll take you to a website. It's a URL."
She then replies, "Michael, I know what I'm talking about. I've been doing this for years," her face becoming rather stern and lizard-like suddenly.
"So have I," I say.
"I can show you on your laptop right now. You're not always right. I don't know why you think you are. You don't know everything."
"Neither do you..."
"Get out. Don't come back."
So, the next day, I had to have a chat with both the principal and Mrs. Jones in order to regain access to the class and not get dropped. So, we go to a quiet room and sit at the table. After being reminded repeatedly that **www.**google**.com** is ***ABSOLUTELY NOT*** a URL, I found out that, unlike what I had originally believed, I was not kicked out for "backtalking" when I was told I don't know what I'm talking about (once again).
Let's restate that for dramatic effect. I was almost *failed* by Mrs. Jones at the very end of the school year because *I corrected her...* Something she does to my whole class all day! It wasn't because I was wearing my ignorance destroyer badge or my sassy pants like the goof I am. It was because, In front of the class, I said that google.com is a URL. Some teachers get offended when you correct them and that's okay, but this is a little much.
TL;DR I should have kept my mouth shut, I didn't, I almost failed a class.
ChaoticNeutralJedi: Man fuck that bitch she is the one who fucked up. I would get your parents involved and make this cunt's life as shitty as possible. Claim that the event was traumatizing and that you are having a hard time knowing what is right and what is wrong now because you were punished for being correct in an discussion with an adult. That cunt needs to learn how to maintain professionalism in the class room of find a new career. I nice sleazy lawyer should find something wrong with this situation. Ignorant cunt.
AngelOfDoom: Yep, because suing is the answer to any and all problems.
ChaoticNeutralJedi: That stupid bitch would settle for sure. She shouldn't be allowed in a position of authority if she can't handle it.
| 4 | 0.25 | |
1398574225 | 1398607458 | t3_2431cg | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU by dropping my brand new iPad while unboxing it
I feel so dumb! My fucking slippery hands dropped my iPad while unboxing it and now it's got a mark that will always remind me of my stupidity. Fortunately it still works.
indoninjah: Do you have Apple Care/can you return it? I would think that they might be understanding if you take it to an Apple Store because you've had it for like literally a few hours.
[deleted]: It was a gift so I don't have Apple Care and since I live in Mexico and there are no Apple Stores in here, I guess I will not be able to return it so easily =( . I'll have to ask at the store where it was bought.
indoninjah: That's actually pretty surprising to me, I thought it was their goal to like have an Apple Store within 20 miles of every place on Earth haha.
| 4 | 5 | |
1398564075 | 1398683942 | t3_242p25 | t5_2to41 | 963 | positronus: TIFU by walking into women's restroom
Went to Outback Streakhouse earlier today with family. We had a great dinner and I had to use the restroom at some point, find the restrooms and seem to be confused. I should mention that English is not my native language and I guess I am pretty light on pop culture. I see two doors, first one marked "Sheilas" and second "Blokes", I have no idea what this means. Plus "Sheilas" is written in such a way that "I" and "L" look the same. I figure it's some kind play on words and "Sheilas" made more sense to me at the time with meaning "Fellas". I enter. Instant regret. I see a woman fixing her garment looking at me. My expression is similar to a deer looking at an incoming car at freeway realizing that its seconds are the last seconds of its life. She screams, I scream and I nope out of there.
I find manager and explain to him what just happened, he laughs hysterically and says that he will explain to anybody who complains.
TIL.
OWNdizzaled: My school has made the brilliant idea to convert one of the main set of washrooms into gender neutral washrooms. It is awkward for everyone each time I use it.
positronus: Out of all the establishments I would think schools were the last to even think about doing something like this.
OWNdizzaled: I should have said University. I cannot even imagine the reaction to these washrooms in a high school.
positronus: Not that it makes it any less awkward.
Was the room known as "The sexual harassment" room?
Lhopital_rules: The bathrooms in my dorm at my school were coed. It wasn't uncomfortable showering-wise, but God forbid you try to go #2 in there when someone you knew was around. Small dorm too. I always went in the library. :/
BillMurrayismyFather: I freakin wish we had coed bathrooms in college.
Lhopital_rules: Why?
BillMurrayismyFather: College + coed showers
Lhopital_rules: You seem to be hinting at sexual harassment.
I will say that it was certainly a positive thing for the few times couples wanted to shower together after sex. Only saw that happen once or twice though.
BillMurrayismyFather: You must be a blast at parties.
| 11 | 87.545455 | |
1398578023 | 1398610087 | t3_243590 | t5_2to41 | 83 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting drunk, ferociously jacking (almost ripping my dick) off and only half telling the girl I'm into what happened.
**Wrote this after I finished writing the rest of it:**
I'm sorry for the length but it's my fuck up and I want to be able to tell someone the whole story as I need to get it off my chest.
**Background:**
Alright so I met this girl and we were both real into some kinky shit. Heavy BDSM and all that. We're good together and friends so we were trying to make a beautiful relationship flourish from it. Haven't said "I love you" to eachother because I don't and I'm pretty sure she never will!
**Fuck up:**
So she's at her friends' house watching horror movies and messaging me and I'm just at home doin' my thing drinking because hey, it's a Saturday night and I'm on break, why the hell not.
We start swapping BDSM pornos again because that's something we like to do. I haven't jacked off in about a week because I just forgot for some reason and so I'm eager to grant my horn its sweet release.
I get turned on by the pornos and start thinkin' of us two in the roles of the people in the video, damn I'm hard and oh so fuckkin' horny. I don't have a really really hard grip around myself but I'm just jerking it at an insanely fast speed for some reason. I remember thinking at the time "Damn, I've never stroked myself faster than this before."
So anyways I begin to cum, I just keep jerking it faster and faster to the point where I start feeling (and hearing) something like cracking inside the base of my dick, it's like *crack* *crACK* *CRACK* and it sorta feels painful but I'm drunk and horny and in the middle of an orgasm so I keep going through with it because this is the first time in almost a week and nothing can ruin this for me. I cum buckets, my dick goes soft and doesn't fall off which is great and then I just sorta clean myself up and go back to messaging her.
Me: Hey, I got something to tell you.
Her: What is it?
Me: Well, It's kind of embarrassing.
Her: You can tell me.
Me: Is it okay if I call? (I'm drunk and stupid, but I know I really don't want this shit in text)
Her: Okay.
So I call her and she asks what's up, I say it's a bit embarrassing but she says that I can tell her anything, she won't judge me for anything I have to say for her.
Me: I was thinking about your before...
Her: Yes? What were you thinking about?
I say "Well... You're never gonna believe this... but I think I nearly ripped my dick off thinking of you."
There's a silence for a few moments and I say "...Are you still there?"
Her friend who I didn't realize was on speaker phone: You nearly ripped off your dick by masturbating?
Me: Oh hello (friend), yes that is true. How's the movie going?
She says "...Was that it?"
Me "Yeah, pretty much heh heh. Crazy right?"
She says "Okay... we'll message each other in Facebook."
So I hang up and went to message her how her movie was going but a little thing comes up on Facebook saying she'd blocked me. I call her back but she doesn't pick up. She hasn't spoken to me since and I don't really think she will again.
In hindsight, I think she was probably expecting me to tell her that I love her, which is probably what caused her reaction. But my dick's still attached to me, so I'm pretty happy about that.
**TL;DR:** Not only did I nearly manage to rip my dick off masturbating, the girl I told stops talking to me.
coyote-tango: Everyone here is talking about what a bitch the girl was, but christ dude, what did you expect her to say/do after that? Come over to your house and express her undying love for you since you nearly ripped off your dick? Good lord.
Marine08902: They're saying she's a bitch because he said he had something embarrassing to tell her and she said "it's okay you can tell me anything", implying she's somebody he can trust, meanwhile she had him on speaker in front of her friend.
| 3 | 27.666667 | |
1398579553 | 1398628658 | t3_2436xg | t5_2to41 | 1,143 | reddhead266: TIFU by taking nightime allergy medicine instead of the daytime "non-drowsy" kind - boyfriend & dog are not talking to me.
Today was a beautiful sunny spring day in the city in which I live. BIG PLANS with the boyfriend to go to the park for a huge arts festival. Of course I was bringing my dog as it's his FAVORITE things to do & I had him all psyched up with "Do you want to do to the park today, boy? Oh yes! We're going to the park today!" Big mistake.
To err on the side of caution since the pollen has been really bothering me, in my "I've only had 1/2 cup of coffee...you know you shouldn't make major decisions or any decisions for that matter" state of mind, I accidently took two extra-strength NIGHTIME sinus/allergy tablets.
Well, here it is...14 hours later. Wide awake after my Rip Van Winkle slumber. My boyfriend texted/called/left a note on my door and is not answering me now. He'll get over it. The dog on the other hand is beyond pissed and showed his it by taking a shit on my new comforter...while I SLEPT! Yes, I know...poor thing had to go & 14 hrs is a long time - but ON MY BED???? That was a major FU you "we're going to the park liar" shit! I guess everyone has spoken.
HighPassDiscGrade: blowjob
ProfessorFood: I don't think that will improve the dog's mood though :(
Sensiitivity: Not with that kind of attitude
BuhDan: Dogs like it too.
thehuntedfew: i hate to ask but how do you know that, internet stranger ?
BuhDan: Personal experience.
thehuntedfew: i wont doubt you lol
BuhDan: Smart man you are.
| 9 | 127 | |
1398585579 | 1398597596 | t3_243c1k | t5_2to41 | 147 | mtllover: TIFU by spilling hot wax in my girlfriend's hair [NSFW]
This story actually happened a few years ago.
I was still a teenager and living at home with my parents. My girlfriend came over on Christmas Eve to get her gift before my dad was going to drive us to join her family for midnight mass.
We had a few minutes of alone time before we had to leave for mass so we decided to fool around. At the time, we were both virgins and saving ourselves for marriage. Most of time, our fooling around consisted of me tittyfucking her using whatever lube was available.
I had lit Christmas candles on the shelves above my bed to set the mood for the gift exchange. I'm pumping between her tits as quietly as possible. Just as I'm on the verge of giving her a lovely pearl necklace, I accidentally knock over a candle and spill hot wax in her hair.
Luckily, the wax missed landing on her face and eyes by a few inches. We had a few minutes before we were leaving for church and we frantically tried to get as much wax out as possible. Luckily no one noticed her hairdo was all messed up.
TL;DR: Spilled hot wax in my girlfriend's hair while tittyfucking her right before leaving for midnight mass with the family on Christmas Eve.
robbo101: Can I just ask how you justify titty fucking your girlfriend, instead of having sex, as what god would want you to do?
Zanacross: Religion - Not even once!
| 3 | 49 | |
1398594196 | 1398659667 | t3_243hi0 | t5_2to41 | 16 | darthjuggernaut: TIFU by falling into the women's restroom
Well, this actually happened 10 years ago, but I am new to this sub and /u/positronus' post reminded me of it, so here it goes.
Ok, so I was 14 years old and my family and I were at a cavern about to go on a tour. I have been trying to remember which one, but I can't remeber the name. I just remember that it has a slanted elevator entrance that you had to wait in line for, which was right next to the bathroom. That fact is important in a bit.
Anyways, my mom and I were waiting in line while my dad and brother were using the bathroom, and the tour guide let us know the elevator was almost back and that we would be leaving soon, so my mom told me to go get my dad and brother.
So I walk over about 10 feet to the bathroom and walk in...
The first thing I see is three women washing their hands. I immediately realized I went into the wrong one, so I try to turn very quickly to walk out without anyone else noticing, but I slip and fall down, right in the middle of the doorway with a loud smack. So naturally everyone in line turns around and sees 14 yr old me laying in the doorway of the women's bathroom, and they all start laughing, including my mother...
I can't think of a time I have been more embarrassed in my life.
###TL;DR Clumsy me falls in the doorway of a women's bathroom right in front of about 30 people.
Marshie32: >but I slip and fall down
Que cover up operation, code name: Push-ups
darthjuggernaut: Haha that might have working if I wasn't a pudgy kid.
Marshie32: Could of pulled off a worm!?
SpellingB: Grammar error detected. [What is it?](http://www.reddit.com/r/SpellingB/comments/22bwnw/homophone_error)
**could have**
*Example:* I could have taken the earlier train.
***
^(Parent comment may have been edited/deleted.) ^[STATS](http://www.reddit.com/r/SpellingB/comments/22o42h/stats/)
whalezzzzZz: I don't know how to do a good grammar so can you help me please thank you.
| 6 | 2.666667 | |
1398595885 | 1398984780 | t3_243iim | t5_2to41 | 7 | LostMyTrainOf-: TIFU by eating too many mints during prom.
TL;DR: Try to subsist off of sugar, stomach says no.
This all started yesterday I was going to prom and my mom hands me some tic tacs because she knows we're going out to dinner.
So I make it only friends house who had rented a limo 15 minutes, and a similar amount of pictures later we make it too his friends who we're taking out to prom. We get hit by another 30 or so pictures by this point I had eaten about half my tic tacs. We toss the girls in the car and dive in behind them before another wave of pictures hit.
We make it to dinner I eat a bit more than usual (3 chicken tenders and about 10 fries) we discreetly tip the waiter $15 (the girls didn't like her much) and leave 12 cents on the table to make it seem as if we had tipped her in accordance to their wishes.
We go to prom I try to drag my socially awkward friend to the dance floor with the help of 4 others including his date (mission failed) fast forward about 3-4 hours I'm back at home I've eaten 16 soft mints and the reminder of my tic tacs and my dinner hasn't settled yet I figure my body is still full from dinner....odd but whatever I can barely sleep the whole night with my irate stomach it's 6 a.m and I now realize my fuck up down some apple cider vinegar and start typing this up after having escorted my mom out the door (she has work)
I was was about to finish typing this up when I feel the familiar feeling of my saliva going into over time
Pls no
*heave*
It doesn't have to be this way
*heave*
I'm sorry ....
*BBLUAAAGGHH*
I projectile vomit all over the toilet reliving the greatest hits of last nights dinner all over my clothes and bathroom.......
SnobbyEuropean: Still better than diarrhea.
I vomit on purpose when I start feeling funny in the stomach after eating something suspicious. In this case, I drink lots of milk.
It's also a good way to avoid vomiting back mass amounts of alcohol on the dance floor. In this case, I down a shot of something I hate.
P.S: I'm not bulimiac, I just like having control over where and when I throw up.
Orifice_Master: The fuck is your problem, you sociopathic cunt? Diarrhea over vomiting any day.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1398617423 | 1398641526 | t3_2443ws | t5_2to41 | 478 | redrovver: TIFU by spending over 100 dollars on online porn
Boy, do I feel dumb.
I'll preface this by saying I am a student working a part time job so it's not uncommon for me to be hovering around zero dollars in my account towards the end of my pay period.
Well, the other day I was perusing my usual free tube sites, lamenting over the poor quality of content and video alike, and I had a thought: "Let's see what some high quality porn looks like."
So being the naive youngster I am, I decided to go to a popular premium site with the intent of signing up for one of those one day trials for a dollar. I entered my information and made an account and everything was okay, but wait! I can't even find a video I like because I am under a "trial membership" and only "full members" can see this video. So in my boner induced delirium, I decided to upgrade to a full membership. Since I get paid in just a couple of days, and I use it enough to get my money'w worth. I can afford to spend 30 bucks on some porn. Right? Well here is where my fuck up came in. The site I was signing up for was a mother site for all of these other premium sites, under the impression that paying for the mother site gave me access to the others I crawled around on those a bit as well.
As it turns out, these sites *weren't* free and they were charging me by the minute. So I was charged an additional 30 dollars **two more goddamn times**. But the best part was that the first purchase knocked me down to ten dollars in my account and the next two purchases put me at negative 50 dollars. Then I was charged an additional 40 dollar overdraft fee and now I have a pretty little -90 on my bank statement and I am too afraid of being charged more to use the site again for the remainder of my membership.
**TL;DR** My penis donated 90 dollars to a porn site.
FancySack: Email customer service and ask for a refund. Say it was a mistake. It never hurts to ask.
redrovver: Already did. Apparently it was "clearly outlined" in their
terms but I didn't see it anywhere. They basically told me I am an idiot and they won't.
FancySack: Damn, that sucks. Sorry, bro.
redrovver: Thanks man. Lesson learned I guess.
sk8terisbored: You could try telling your bank you didn't authorize those transactions
oskarw85: Yep, lying to bank about porn habits is definitely going to end well...
positronus: It not like banks don't have sex, they are people too you kn...yeah OP is screwed if he talks to the bank.
sk8terisbored: I mean I can't say I haven't done the same thing. My bank just flagged the charges and wouldn't let them go through. Then sent me an email asking about suspicious charges
| 9 | 53.111111 | |
1398618243 | 1398735522 | t3_24453q | t5_2to41 | 3,839 | moosobay: TIFU by leaving my jeep running, keys in, and unlocked at the bar. Someone stole it.
No really, that's it.
fredinvisible: Now that's a proper fuck up!
What possessed you to leave your car like that‽
moosobay: I live in no-mans land, Wisconsin. No one locks anything around here.
denvertebows15: But surely people shut things off when they're not using them?
m4ng0girl: In the winter you'll see tons of people leaving their cars running when doing a quick errand but...it's a little late in the year to be doing that now...
[deleted]: FYI It's April
skoliro23: Wisconsinite reporting in. It was 32 degrees here today. I mean, not super cold, but still.
moosobay: 32 as a high temp. With rain and wind.
I'd still leave my car running.
LockeNCole: Thus why no car.
moosobay: Insurance, brah.
weauxbreaux: Insurance companies usually deny the claim if the car is stolen because you left it running with the keys in the ignition.
sasquatchcrotch: You would have to be pretty stupid to tell the insurance company that.
loozerr: I thought the correct word here was "honest".
sasquatchcrotch: [¿Porque no las dos?](http://imgur.com/iiQvCsn)
| 14 | 274.214286 | |
1398617174 | 1398621093 | t3_2443ka | t5_2to41 | 4 | Nolightnoshadows: today i fucked up by nearly fucking the girl who has a crush on me's sister.
OC4815162342: English is not your mother tongue, is it?
Nolightnoshadows: Aside from commas and apostrophes, I feel like I did pretty well. As a reminder, this is hours after the situation. I'm very tired and worn out. I don't think my grammar is the point of this post either.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1398629745 | 1398632825 | t3_244mwt | t5_2to41 | 12 | trumpetsFTW: TIFU by shorting out my Ipad
I was blasting some music today while getting ready for church and when I was all dressed and ready to go, I grabbed my ipad to shut off Pandora and close the smart cover I have on it. When I did this, some static electricity arced from my finger into the edge of the iPad and now my headphone jack is toast. Looks like I will use that Square Trade warranty after all.
fifthpilgrim: Seems like you're an unlucky person. That sucks.
trumpetsFTW: Could be worse, I could have to pay for repairs out of pocket rather than have the coverage.
fifthpilgrim: Very true. Did any sound come out of it after, or was it fully shot?
trumpetsFTW: Little mufled bits but mostly static and it all (static and muffled audio) cut in and out on both headphones and my sound system.
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1398643784 | 1398717336 | t3_24582o | t5_2to41 | 8 | RikM: TIFU and a girl almost killed herself.
Well this happened a few days ago but the story begins over a year ago.
I dated a Girl (Lets call her Ann) for a couple of months but she left me for her ex and we cointinued to sleep together. That fell apart and her ex found out so she attacked me and tried to kill herself. After that she started dating my housemate ("Bob") and he decided to move her in to the house without consulting me or the other guy ("Jack")
So after four months of her living in the house in breach of our contract and breaking my stuff, Bob complained that mine and Jack's friends are taking liberties by coming round every night. This added to my anger at the situation so I decided it is time I kicked her out. A major row ensued about it and it turned out that he had also had her a key made. Not only does this breach the contract and affect my personal contents insurance (I had to state how many people had a key and access to the house.) This really angered both me and Jack. Because I said she cannot live in our house and should probably use the flat she is paying rent for, she attacked me and tried to strangle me quite violently. When she was pulled off of me, her and Bob both insisted that I should leave and not come back. To which everyone reminded him of whose house it technically is (lead tenant and all that). So she stormed off and tried to kill herself. (She was fine in the end.)
I have now said that if she sets another foot in this house, I will be calling the police immediately and will also get a restraining order. To which he asked why I would do that and that I do not care about anyone else (This will affect her planned career path). I pointed out that I feel there is no point in giving a shit about anyone else if you are dead. He claimed he moved her in so he could look after her (except he could just as effectively look after he at her own flat. Or half a week at each place.)
L3ftyrocks89: So, some idiot tried to kill herself and you think it's your fault? Well it's not. Your "friend" Bob is a dickhead by the way.
RikM: Of course it is my fault. I spoke.
Cancani: What? That bitch is fucking crazy seriously. And your friend bob should go to his girlfriend if he loves her so much.
jamie7decker: I'm glad im not the only one who feels this way
Cancani: I think hes thinking that way because he thinks he still loves her. Think about it.
| 6 | 1.333333 | |
1398649936 | 1398656014 | t3_245hc4 | t5_2to41 | 47 | rmeas002: TIFU by walking in on a woman in a porta-potty
So today there was the first annual 5k at the college I graduated from. It's my old college, so I'm going to support it, and I've been getting in shape so I decided to kill two birds with one stone. I get finished running and there is basically a huge party in one of the parking lots. Free beer, food, music, and we get to watch the spring football game later in the afternoon.
By 11am I've had probably 4 beers and needed to take a leak. So I go to the edge of the parking lot with the row of porta potties and look for one that I open. Most of the ones are taken but I see one that's looks like the lock just kind of went halfway down. I knock, and me being drunk combined with the live music, I don't hear anything. I open the door, but it got kind of stuck on the way. So by the time it's open I know it was supposed to be locked. This woman has her pants by her feet, she stands up, covers her nether regions, and yells in an embarrassed and angry voice that it is occupied.
I have never seen the look of shame and pure rage on someone's face like this before. As soon as I do this, someone else comes out of a different porta potty and I go in there. I hide in there for about 10 minutes and hope that I don't see that woman again.
**tl;dr** Walked in on a woman in a porta potty and couldn't tell if the woman wanted to cry or kill me
The12thDoc: I've walked in on people in portapotties all the time. If you don't lock the door, then what do you expect to happen? C'est la vie.
braveliltoaster11: It sounds like it was locked but he just pushed through anyway.
rmeas002: It was locked, but the door looked like it was open.
| 4 | 11.75 | |
1398649653 | 1398882850 | t3_245gvd | t5_2to41 | 0 | PasswordBehotcakes: TIFU when trying to take out my tampon.
I got home from work this morning and went about my usual routine of letting the dog out to go wees and poos then going to do the same thing myself. Being a night shifter and extremely tired this morning I thought it would be easier to remove my tampon before I did my business. I had gotten my hand about halfway to where it need to be when the flood gates opened and I projectile pissed all over the floor, my hand, pants, shoes and the toilet seat. By the time I realized what was going on it was too late and I couldn't stop my golden stream from flowing. I cleaned up my shame then crawled into bed for a much needed nap.
moosobay: This is beyond disgusting.
SnooSnooCookie: A little pee is disgusting? It's probably the most hygienic bodily fluid of them all
moosobay: A little pee, or projectile-period pee?
Yuck. I'll take the downvotes for this one. It's beyond disgusting.
| 4 | 0 | |
1398653935 | 1398734329 | t3_245n6a | t5_2to41 | 199 | vedran64: TIFU by trying to piss with a boner.
about half an hour ago i had a raging erection and felt a strong urge to go take a piss. I've heard many stories about how hard it is to piss with a boner, but i disregarded all of that because my dick felt like a fire hydrant about to burst. I go in the bathroom and carefully position myself, trying to get my penis perfectly aligned with the toilet before I let the dam flow. The door was accidentally left open by me, and my cat walked in to the bathroom. He does this thing where he plays with the garbage can across from the toilet, opening and closing it. I'm to close to starting to shoo him away, so I continue in my endeavors.
I underestimated the strength of the stream and it shot at the toilet lid. I lurched back almost immediately and lost my balance, falling backward right at the garbage can. My cat yowled and jumped out of the way, so he was safe. But my stream didn't want to stop. I pissed into the air. It landed on the floor, my face, my chest. It was disgusting. My cat left the room, and i was cold, wet and alone on the floor. After a few minutes, i cleaned everything up, took a shower, and went to my room to think about my life choices.
TL:DR; Tried pissing with a boner, gave myself a golden shower and almost killed my cat.
Edit: cleared up why i fell.
[deleted]: [OP, just do it like this](http://p.twimg.com/Azx3ca2CYAEWsZ-.jpg:large)
Matttized: Wouldn't his dick go in the toilet water?
[deleted]: What is a little toilet water on the manhood compared to pissing all over yourself?
Hackurtu: *FOREVER UNCLEAN*
| 5 | 39.8 | |
1398651581 | 1398687115 | t3_245jrq | t5_2to41 | 34 | [deleted]: TIFU by jamming up the bathtub with egg
I had a really bad stomach ache today and so I camped up in the bathroom. It gets really bad so I grab a handy metal bucket out from under the sink (I'm prepared!) and prop it in front of me. Sure enough, seconds later I puke into the bucket and at the same propel diarrhoea out of my anus. I finish up the pooping and clean up and think "well what do I do with this bucket of squishy egg/meatball mixture". Instead of dumping it in the toilet like a normal person, I think it would be a better idea to pour it into the bathtub. Of course it doesn't actually go down the drain and now I have water diluted vomit in the bathtub. Well, no other way to get rid of it than to grab it with my hands, throw it back into the bucket, and throw it down the toilet. It was really the grossest thing ever, it smelt terrible, it felt squishy and solid at the same time, and it was the worst off brown colour ever. Even though my stomach ache was gone, picking up and playing with my own vomit made me feel sick again and so I vomited again. except this time directly in the toilet :)
leboulanger007: I think you might be retarded :)
Jokes aside, that definitely sounded like the grossest thing ever... But why in the first place did you think about the bathtub instead of the toilet?? Like what was going through your mind?
LawrenceLongshot: www.youtube.com/watch?v=jYmn3Gwn3oI
| 3 | 11.333333 | |
1398651340 | 1398708593 | t3_245jfk | t5_2to41 | 32 | leboulanger007: TIFU by passing out on the toilet bowl (not drunk)
So I was enjoying some good music tonight when I thought to myself I really had to go poop. I go make my business, and the giant turd comes out quite easily but not whithout making me pay for it. It hurt so much I just fainted and fell from the toilet bowl with a loud boom when my head hit the bathroom floor. My family comes upstairs to see if anything was wrong, and I was just there, lying half-naked on the floor... I woke up and it was quite a laugh after but I felt really stupid...
Anyways, now my head and my neck hurt a little, I bit my tongue pretty hard but everything is fine.
Guess I'll have a bowl of all-bran tomorrow...
That_Deaf_Guy: I did this once. Shitting, suddenly my body feels all heavy, vision starts getting blurry, hands feel heavy. I tried to wipe but couldn't lift my hands. Finally wipe. Stand up, wash my hands, can't see anything at this point, rely on touch to open door... Finally call out for my mum (barely) and flop onto my bed till my vision came back. Shit was scary, it sucks.
czarchastic: I read the first half of your comment like an eminem song.
That_Deaf_Guy: If only my mum made spaghetti that day.
| 4 | 8 | |
1398664946 | 1398717859 | t3_2460gs | t5_2to41 | 5 | greenleaf247: TIFU by putting water instead of oil IN the engine thinking it's the coolant.
Needless to say I blew my engine after I attempted to drive 50 km back home. It might have been dark... and uh... I was elevated by cannabis sativa...
Fim0458: I think we've all done stupid shit when we're high before, because if we though rationally when we were high, we wouldn't get high. :p
This one could cost you a bit though, hope there wasn't a massive amount of permanent damage.
greenleaf247: Ever have the feeling when you are so confident of something you did working, only to have it fuck you big time? I was so sure the heating issue was solved after I put all that water in the 'coolant'.
I'm getting the engine flushed now, mechanic said he will try his best but there's a slim chance he can recover and fix it. If he can't I have no choice but to replace the engine.
[deleted]: Just declare a system reset and buy a new car.,,
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1398664815 | 1398686099 | t3_2460c8 | t5_2to41 | 50 | sararuh: TIFU by getting my foot stuck in a bus door. It closed just as I stepped in and I got dragged along for a terrifying 5 seconds
I live on uni campus and the weather is extremely shitty today so instead of walking like everyday I tried taking the bus back to my dorm. What I didn't know was that there were separate buses for guys and girls (our dorms are also separate). I saw a bus that was just about to leave so I ran to it and didn't understand why the driver didn't wait for me.
I put my foot on the door but it closed anyways and it was then that I realized that everyone on the bus was male. the bus started moving and I was so terrified and I started screaming "WAIT WAIT STOP I'M STUCK" and then it opened and all the guys were staring at me like I was crazy. one of them finally said "um this is the guys bus" and I just said "oh okay sorry" and ran off.
I wanted to cry from embarrassment and my foot still hurts like hell :(((
(also this is my first reddit post but I've been lurking for almost a year yay)
everyoneisinsane: Ouch!
Also, WTF kind of uni has that level of gender segregation, you're all adults...
sararuh: It's an american university but I'm from a middle eastern country. The only place that has gender segregation on campus is the dorms (It's reasonable since about half of the female students wear hijab).
Our university is actually "forward" compared to others here, where it's normal to have separated lecture halls or even totally different buildings.
| 3 | 16.666667 | |
1398671539 | 1398687845 | t3_24667b | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by forgetting to do my statics homework, thus nullifying the chance to have my homework grade rounded up to 100.
The way our class's grading policy works is if we get 85% or above on the homework (we use the program masteringengineering which can get messy sometimes) we get our homework grade, which is 15% of our total grade, rounded to 100. However, if we get below that, our grade will be put in 'as is'.
Well today, I was so busy studying for my test tomorrow, I forgot that there was homework due Sunday night, and now my overall homework grade is at a 15038 out of 18000 (every problem is worth up to 100 points), which is FUCKING 83.5%. We have one more assignment due next Sunday, worth 700 points. So even if I do all of that, it will be a 15738 out of 18700, which is 84.1%. I can't believe I let this happen. It's a tiny slip of the mind that could cost me big time in this class. This can be humorously seen as a bad luck Brian moment, but there is NOTHING funny about it. NOTHING. I was safely above 85% on the homework until this fuck up.
EmpyrealSorrow: IS it entirely non-submissable, now? Usually here in the UK we can submit late but we suffer a penalty for each day - like 5 or 10% per day. So even if you were to hand it in late with the penalty applied it would still top you over that 85% total. Hopefully.
If they don't allow late-submissions... Well, that's just a bit of a dick move on their part.
AngelOfDoom: Where I go to college in the USA, late submissions are almost always denied.
EmpyrealSorrow: Ouch :(
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1398683466 | 1398695164 | t3_246epw | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU by scaring the living (non-literal) shit out of my parents.
To preface this let me say I have never fainted before, nor has my mother or father had any experience with dealing with it.
So. It's 2am in the morning and I wake up with some serious cramps. It was like my digestive tract was trying to make an escape through my abdomen. My bedroom is right next to the bathroom, so after tossing and turning and getting worse and worse I managed to drag myself into the bathroom. Felt like I had to shit, but couldn't.
Felt the beginning gags of a spew-sesh coming on and grabbed the toilet bowl and chucked up whatever was in my stomach.
I contemplated going back to bed when I started to feel... odd. It was like my arms and legs were suddenly REALLY tired.
Our house is a giant L shape, and my and my parents' rooms are on the opposite ends of the L shape. I stumbled through the house, and as I got closer to their bedroom I started leaning on the walls as I was walking. Everything was dark to begin with, but I had turned on some lights as I was walking.
Things started getting really dark, and I tried to get through my parents door.
I couldn't see anything for the life of me, I thought it was just pitch black. For the life of me I couldn't figure out where I was, in the room or outside and I kept tapping my hand on the door to try and figure it out tactile-ly.
I heard my mother say "Stephanie, stop that. Stephanie what are you doing?" Apparently she turned the lights on and got out of bed and was standing next to me, but I couldn't see anything so I couldn't tell.
I moaned "I don't feel well" and then I remember my legs and arms being like jelly and sitting down on the floor. I felt *awful* like I was violently shaking and covered in a cold sweat, freezing, but my head was on fire.
The next thing I knew my Dad was standing behind me and I was propped in a sitting position against his legs.
Mum took my temperature, was 35.9˚c, which is low for me. Mum took me back to bed, gave me a bucket to puke in and said goodnight. I got up once more, had some mad diarrhoea, which I haven't had since I was like 12 (I'm nearly 18).
Went back to bed and I woke up feeling absolutely fine, apart from a few bruises because I fell against a wooden chest at the end of my parents bed as I went down.
But imagine it from my parents perspective:
You're woken up by your daughter tapping on your bedroom door from the inside, leaning against the door. You tell her to stop and if you're my Mum you get out of bed and come up to me.
Then your daughter crumples to the floor. Apparently Mum tried to hold me upright but she didn't have much hope seeing as she's 5'2 and I'm 5'10 and a good 15kg heavier than her (she's built like a petite stick, and I'm a tall athletic build).
Apparently once Dad heard the thump he jumped out of bed towards me. I woke up after a second or two and tried sitting up, even though he told me to stay lying down (I don't remember this part).
**TL;DR:** woke up at 2am and threw up. Stumbled into my parents room and woke them up, said "I don't feel well" and collapsed in a dead faint on the floor...
Oops :/
**EDIT** I made a basic [layout](http://imgur.com/MmOBdPN) of my house so you can see how far I managed to stumble :/
BadBoyJH: You scaring the shit out of your parents was the best option. Stumbling back to bed could've been worse, if you'd fallen over there (based on your description of your house) they may not have heard you, and you could've been injured, and not helped for a couple of hours.
Today, you didn't fuck up, unless you're not going to a doctor.
[deleted]: I... uh... wasn't planning on it since I felt fine.
I know that sometimes when vomiting or taking a shit the vagus nerve gets over excited and sends too much blood to your digestive tract, away from your brain.
And I felt absolutely fine today so I'm going to assume that's what happened, and if I start to feel weird again I know what to do and will go to the doctor.
BadBoyJH: I was assuming you're in a place where doctors appts don't cost you. I know that if I had something like this happen to me, I'd be down at a drop-in service, just in case.
[deleted]: Sydney. Dr's appointments cost me $70 since I reached my medicare cap and my Dr only bulk-bills for 16 and under D:
BadBoyJH: OK, there's plenty of places near me (Newcastle) that will bulk bill.
Meh, if you're feeling fine, and your parents are around to keep an eye on you, you may be better of doing what all of us young adults want to do at a time like this... nothing.
| 6 | 3.333333 | |
1398692168 | 1398806149 | t3_246nmh | t5_2to41 | 123 | Wellthissucked: TIFU by losing a External Hard Drive
Background- I go to a school with Laptops and I frequently bring in games for me and my Friends to play
Story- I brought in Fifa and NBA 2k a few months ago for me and my Friends to play. One of my so called "Friends" took my hard drive and i am yet to find it. Better yet my Dad just told me that it had his co-workers social numbers and their salary's. Well i just found that out now and cannot find this damn flash drive. My Dad said that he has to file a police report if i cannot find it and my dads job is in jeopardy... What do i do crap i'm so nervous. I will update later if i found it or what happens
EDIT- Found the Person who has it!!!!! Cant get it back till tomorrow but at least i found who has it and they said they would give it back.
belatwk76: Your Dad should never have that kind of sensitive info on a flash drive, and he was definitely in the wrong for allowing anyone to use it for any reason. If he's that irresponsible, he may deserve to lose his job over it. Would't you be pissed if a coworker handled your identity information like this? You also have to bust your butt to find it right away....
KoreaNinjaBJJ: I'm just guessing from reading OP. I don't think he is old enough to think about what happens to your ID information. I didn't till I was pretty old.
Wellthissucked: Im 15 i really dont
zer0t3ch: Start using proper grammar/punctuation while you're young. Not doing so can hurt your future.
TL;DR Can't teach an old dog new tricks. Practice while you're young.
mel_from_accounting: u fokn wot m8
| 6 | 20.5 | |
1398690438 | 1399310081 | t3_246lf9 | t5_2to41 | 5 | DaveC93: TIFU By calling my girlfriend "not massive"
We were in bed and I said "there isn't much space considering I am a small guy and you're.....not massive"
Edit: point being by saying my gf was "not massive" it implied I was called her fat but trying to sugar coat it. It was a quick comment that I left my mouth before I realised what I had said and it got me into the dog house with her for a while. Hope this clears things up.
SHITLORDHERE: Well, is she, fat?
DaveC93: No. That's why I fucked up.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1398693033 | 1398734090 | t3_246oro | t5_2to41 | 100 | MrSqwigglee: TIFU By breaking my friends, brothers Xbox 360
it happened yesterday but i don't care
So basically i was at a friends house for a 18th party, and we had everyone bring out there Xbox's so we could LAN party HALO 4 and a few other games, after a fun night of playing Xbox and having a few drinks we decided to just sit down for a while. After having a small break we decided that it was time to start playing again, everyone was feeling a bit lazy and did not want to change the games in the consoles so I offered to do them all, nice guy me right ?
Well, after i had done all the other consoles the only one left to do was my friends brothers, so as i start taking out the game, i leave the disk tray siting out so i don't have to handle it twice, stupid me forgot this, hit the disk tray whilst turning back to replace the disk and sent the Xbox flying of the edge of the table onto the tile floor. The Xbox was totaled. I freaked out, the disk tray was completely off track, the sounds it was making was horrible, when we picked it up we could here the hardware on the inside falling apart and the cracks all over the thing did not help. his brother was asleep at the time but everyone decided it was a good idea to wake him up and show him the stupid thing i had done. he was pissed, his dad was pissed, his mom was pissed and his little brother was pissed. I think i was the most hated guest ever.
The following morning i went out and purchased a brand new Xbox 360 and some Xbox live Gold to compensate. Apparently this was not expected of me to do. but i feel like i have made amends to the issue. Right ?
CharlesOrchard: We're you drunk at the time?
MrSqwigglee: Umm no, but i felt a little light headed plus i was sleepy (it was about 5:30 AM) so i suppose that's just as bad for some people. My self included.
CharlesOrchard: Cool
Tom01111: I might wrinkle your brain right now, but the human race is made up of a lot of different people and some of these people like different things to you.
Hackurtu: Exactly. I'm turning 18 in like a week and my 'party' consists of some quality porn and video games.
| 6 | 16.666667 | |
1398697340 | 1398701477 | t3_246v4r | t5_2to41 | 52 | Ilooovecars: TIFU by pissing, shitting, and barfing
*this was my friend but I think it's worthy of a post
So we were camping one weekend and my friend and I are in the tent taking a few shots before going back out to chill with everyone else. I'm not one to drink rum or much hard alcohol for that matter but I decided that since it's all we have I'd go for it, a few shots wouldn't hurt. After it's all said and done we go back out and sit around the campfire with everyone else. Now this is where I make the biggest mistake of the night, a friend passes a cigarette around to me and I take a hit of that even though I'm not a smoker. As soon as I exhale I feel weird feeling in my stomach. I quietly get up and walk to the bathroom thinking I just need to shit, hoping that the weird feeling wears off and that shitting will take care of it. The second I pull my pants down to sit on the toilet I feel my whole dinner erupting out of my mouth. Within seconds the whole stall and the stall next to me is covered in the yellow remains of the 3 mcdonalds cheeseburgers I had eaten a couple hours earlier. To make matters worse, for some reason my bowel and bladder decided to release everything else in my system so now here I am standing in quite possibly the biggest puddle of vomit, shit, and piss not knowing what to do.
I call my buddy from the campground and ask him to bring a towel to the bathroom, and within 5 feet of the entrance I hear him gagging from the smell that was radiating from the bathroom. I also think the cleaning people didn't want to get near it either because for the whole weekend no one cleaned it up. I fucked up.
TL;DR I drank hard alcohol and took a drag off a cigarette both of which I usually don't do and I payed for it by releasing waste out of every hole in my body.
Badgerfest: This is the legendary Grand Slam - your "friend" has been blessed my child.
Ilooovecars: It was a disgustingly epic moment, I will admit. His reaction was priceless.
| 3 | 17.333333 | |
1398691810 | 1398724630 | t3_246n5q | t5_2to41 | 301 | kmchii: TIFU by trusting a random in my dorm
Well, not today, but last Thursday. I was in my room playing some pc game when a random guy popped his head through the doorway and asked if I had any earphones he could borrow. He said that he was going to be writing an essay in the library all night and would bring them back the next morning. Like an idiot I only asked if he lived here and didn't even ask for a name or phone number.
Fortunately they're on sale for $21 on amazon right now so hopefully I will be able to scrounge up that amount before they go out of stock.
I'm going to keep looking for him and try to find a directory for my dorm hall. I am so dumb, I could have just said that I didn't have any to lend...
edit: ~~welp, the earphones went from 5 in stock this morning to 1 in stock now.~~ well, it changed to 10 now...
Gonna have to increase my efforts to search for this guy...
**MEGA EDIT**: Thank you person beginning with an "a" for a replacement pair of the ones i lost! I know that something like this is extremely generous of you. I will be sure to be more careful in the future and won't let this experience go to waste.
swiftjab: I disagree, you didn't FU by helping a stranger. There's nothing wrong with helping a stranger. You're just unlucky that you ran into an ass. I hope this incident doesn't discourage you from helping others.
kmchii: Ha, i totally agree with you. Only thing is that I could have at least got his name or room number. I blame lack of sleep and being focused on the game for that -.-
miniflip: What game was it?
kmchii: I was playing League of Legends.
(If anyone wants to play normals with me I am gold 2. Just send me a message. NA server. Any rank is fine!)
Thane_of_pussy: Oh lol. Turning your fuck up into a gaming shout out. Nice work, OP :p
kmchii: haha might as well if it comes up, right?
| 7 | 43 | |
1398700246 | 1398729739 | t3_246zug | t5_2to41 | 2,514 | Metallicadpa: TIFU by farting on a girl I like
So I went to the gym today, knowing full well that I didn't feel too great. Me and some friends ordered a dodgy Chinese takeaway yesterday, and I was suffering a bit of, er, gastric distress. But that's not gonna get in the way of some front squats and deadlifts. I warm up just fine, everything is feeling good, when a girl from my uni comes into the gym and sees that the only spare place she could bench was on the platform in front of the squat rack I was using. Imagine [this](http://i.imgur.com/YgdzRNO.jpg), where she is lying down, and my ass is about a foot away from her face, if that. So I was doing 3 sets of 3 reps, and on the third rep of the third set, I just lost all control of my sphincter and blew out what I can only imagine was one of the worst, loudest farts ever (I was blasting Lamb of God at full volume into my ears and I still heard it, to give you some idea). Naturally I decide the worst thing you can possibly do here is to admit fault or even acknowledge it happened, so I continue squatting past what I planned on doing, and did 5 reps instead of 3. She finished her set and left and we didn't even look at each other; in the mirror I can see a guy trying not to die laughing while he is resting.
tl;dr almost shit myself in a girl's face, set a new front squat personal record, made a guy laugh uncontrollably
doctorbusch: Admit nothing. Deny everything.
Nerindil: And make counter accusations.
CapnSalty: Exactly. Blame her, act insulted and disgusted.
Taco_Turian: Make her feel shame, break her. Then pick up the pieces.
CapnSalty: Worked on me a couple times.
flume: Womp womp.
[deleted]: Pow pow
CapnSalty: Pew pew
[deleted]: Ow ow
flume: What does the fox say?
| 11 | 228.545455 | |
1398697918 | 1398707658 | t3_246w0i | t5_2to41 | 157 | KentuckysGentleman: TIFU by not using the outhouse and shitting myself at a family party
Well, I've been holding onto this one for a while, since last Labor Day, but it's time everyone knows.
Last labor day I was with my girlfriend and her extended family down at her grandparent's cabin. It's a nice cabin along a creek and there is electricity. We started around 11AM and we played games, ate tons of food, played volleyball for a few hours, dogs ran around and played, etc.
Now this cabin has electricity but no running water. There's an outhouse though and everyone had been using that. I'd been pissing in the woods, being a guy and all, and had never actually used the outhouse even though I'd spent a decent amount of time at the cabin previous to this party.
Well, in the afternoon, I feel my stomach rumble. It's the serious kind of rumble, the kind when you know it's going to be some explosive diarrhea coming.
I really didn't want to shit in the outhouse, and my girlfriend's parents house is only two minutes away, so I asked her mom for the keys to go back and use the bathroom. She handed me her keys and I hopped in my car and sped down the backroad to her house.
I pulled in the driveway and I had made it but it was going to be a close call getting to the bathroom. I get out her keys and try them all on the front door. Stange, none of them fit. I waddle over to the side door on the garage, it must be for that! No dice, the keys don't fucking fit.
I am fucked. My body can't hold it anymore. I dive to the ground, desperately looking for the spare door key they hide in the rocks beside the side door. It's gone, it isn't here. Not like I would have made it to the bathroom before I shit myself anyway.
There's a lone pine right beside the side garage door. I hide from the road behind it and pull down my pants and squat and the most repulsive stream of diarrhea that has ever come out of my body explodes on the ground. I don't know if it splashed up or if I shit on the back of my shorts, but there are specks of shit all over them. The shit river flows downstream toward my feet. I kick my sandals off and warm poo hits my ankles.
It's done. I've shit myself for the first time in 20+ years. But now what?
I remove my shirt and luckily I always wear a white tee undershirt. I take the white tee and I shamefully wipe my ass. I wipe my ankles with whatever was left that was clean. I look at my destruction. Shit creek has stopped flowing down the hill but it's so obvious. I collect myself, redress, and plan for the next step.
I run to the woods and chuck the shit shirt as far as I can throw it. It's white so it stands out in the woods but I'm pretty sure no one goes in that part of the woods. I grab the hose and wash shit creek away, the only evidence being a wet spot in the grass. It's been a half an hour since I left.
I head back to the cabin, give my gf's mom the keys and thank her. She doesn't know there wasn't a house key on there. I call over my girlfriend and confess. Listen, I have shit on the back of my shorts, it's time to go. She looks and she can't stop laughing. She tells me no one will notice and goes back to playing volleyball. But I've got a dirty ass and dirty pants. I head into the outhouse and clean myself up a little better.
Thirty minutes later we all head back to the house, dogs in tow. As soon as we step out of the car, the dogs head over to where shit stream was. They roll in it. They smell like shit now too. I play dumb but my girlfriend and I know what happened. They get baths, I get a shower and change.
Two days her, her three little brothers found my shit shirt. They told me about it and I played dumb. No one knows still other than my (ex) girlfriend and me. And now you.
So, piece of advice, use the closest bathroom if you feel Mt. Shitmore coming so you don't end up like me.
Prepare_To_Be_Woo-ed: >She doesn't know there wasn't a house key on there
I bet in the shit induced panic, you never thought of looking for a garage door opener in the car you were driving. That would explain why she didn't carry a house key. Great story though!
KentuckysGentleman: Unfortunately, I was driving my car. I told her it was to get into the house. She just didn't realize there wasn't a house key on her car keys because there is a clicker in her car.
Prepare_To_Be_Woo-ed: Wow. I did overlook the *my*. That's even worse. She'd be locked out of her own house because of a dead battery.
KentuckysGentleman: Every other time I had been there, there was always a key beside the house in the rocks where I looked. I guess someone had just used it and not put it back. That was my final undoing.
| 5 | 31.4 | |
1398701286 | 1398750749 | t3_2471kb | t5_2to41 | 47 | jaypeejay: TIFU by being an hour late to work
So, like the title says: I was an hour late to work. However, the beauty of this story lies in what happened once I hustled in, sweaty from my intense bike ride, and desperately needing to go #2.
I profusely apologized to my manager for being late, and she understood. It was my first time really messing up. I then quickly excused myself to run up stairs and do my business. Lo-and-behold, I see her, no more than two minutes later when she walks into the unlocked bathroom and catches me, mid-wipe, in all my glory.
Beware the mid-wipe-walk-in friends, beware.
lordofthederps: Did you forget to lock the bathroom door, or does it just not lock?
jaypeejay: Oh I forgot. I most definitely forgot.
Badgerfest: You should put a note in your pants so you never forget again.
willyouswagme: At least he remembered to take his pants off before shitting
| 5 | 9.4 | |
1398661310 | 1398707455 | t3_245wnv | t5_2to41 | 11 | Zombie_Feeder: TIFU by having my phone, wallet, and glasses stolen on vacation.
I traveled two hours to splash lagoon in Erie, PA with my gf for her birthday. It was my gift to her to pay for everything. While at the indoor waterpark I left my Galaxy S4 with its $60 otterbox case ontop of the lockers with my wallet and glasses by accident and someone stole it. I'm such an idiot I know but it still makes me feel sick and violated. I'm home now in New york but I'm calling the state police tomorrow to see what they can do. I already cancelled all my credit cards and had my phone deactivated by now though.
lordofthederps: Do you know if that water park has a "lost and found" section, and if so, did you try checking it?
Zombie_Feeder: Yes I checked there first and gave them my home phone number along with a description of the lost items. They actually called me today cause they found my wallet with my license and cards still in it and are sending it to me.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1398711170 | 1398738779 | t3_247ib0 | t5_2to41 | 96 | [deleted]: TIFU by wackin it at school.
Ok this just happened. So I have a favorite fap stop on campus. It is a one person bathroom so I won't be bothered by people. I head over there excited for my personal fun time. I sit down pull out my laptop and find some porn. So im at it for a few minutes and things are going good only to be ruined by the sound of a door knob being turned.
Surely it is some other door opening my door is locked. Only it wasn't, in my excitement I had forgotten to lock the door. I realized mid stroke in horror that the door was opening. I do my best to hide my boner as this old man and I lock eyes. He quickly closed the door but I could tell by the look on his face that he knew. I gathered my things and quickly got the fuck outta there.
EDIT: I get it guys I should wait until I get home. Clearly that lesson was learned.
Badgerfest: This is the second TIFU featuring an unlocked toilet door in the past couple of hours. People really need to start putting notes in their pant gusset to remind them to lock the toilet door.
flying_phish: TIL what a pant gusset is.
gentleman_horse: I did not, please explain.
| 4 | 24 | |
1398712947 | 1398851520 | t3_247ldy | t5_2to41 | 25 | nuttyorange: TIFU by eating cashews.
I had to leave the house early today so I grabbed a big bucket full of cashews and chowed them down for breakfast. During lunch hour, I felt some pressure in my stomach which I attributed to being hungry, but I suddenly let out a giant fart that sounded like a wet towel slapping butt cheeks.
Uh oh.
I started taking a few steps and then the stench started piercing my nose. The smell was something I've never experienced before. It was a little bit like shit but not really. I was honestly more surprised and intrigued from the smell than I was revolting. So, I ended up bolting home to clean up myself.
I got in the bathroom and took off my pants to find my entire legs were covered in this orange oily substance. I don't fucking understand how something can come out of my ass and cover the front of my legs...?! I took a shower, got all cleaned up, put on some clean clothes, but I still smelled the shit. Took off my clothes again and found my ass was still covered in orange.
I had to google anal leakage and apparently, your ass drips orange oily shit when you eat too many cashews. TIL.
So right now sitting in front of the computer, I have to go wash my ass and change my underwear every 10 minutes.
Edit:
An update: I solved the problem of my asshole leaking by sitting on the toilet for 2 hours squeezing oil out of my ass. I did not know I had so much control of my asshole muscles until now. Slept like a baby cause flexing your asshole is quite a workout.
lorenzo22: Reminds me of the Oleo days...remember when those low-fat chips were all the rage? Eat too many...and oil discharge for hours. That, or sugar-free candy.
cptCortex: Ohhh brother, those Haribo sugar free gummy bears will do something nasty to you.
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1398713685 | 1398735147 | t3_247mnl | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by giving the driver a middle finger and caused £500+ worth of damage to his car
So, I was on my way to home on the bus. I got off the bus onto pavement at side of 3 lane dual carriageway. I needed to get to another side of the road the as my home was on the other side.
So I walked to a traffic light crossing and pressed a button. Once green man was showing, and I looked around to make sure there was no cars moving nearby. I walked across the road, but there was no cars on middle lane and the car did not see me despite there was red light showing. The driver slammed his brakes on the car and nearly crashed into me. My legs was within 10 cm away from breaking into two pieces. Although I was hurt as the little rocks spat from the types hit me in the leg.
I got down to remove little rocks from my leg, I made to do it quickly, before the lights turn green. The driver honked at me even though the red lights was still on. I stood up and gave him the middle finger. He honked even more and started moving deliberatly to hit me. I missed his car and I decided to teach him a lesson, by hitting his with my legs. It caused a huge dent and the body panel caved in slightly causing over £500 worth of damage as it was a car registered in 2014 and if I remember correctly it was BMW 300 series car.
On the positive side, by time I crossed the crossing, the lights still haven't turned green.
TIFU part? I haven't got his registration and I didn't even get witnesses contacts. In a theory, if he wanted to screw me over. I could have reported it to his insurance and got money for my troubles.
JoesusTBF: Could have solved a few of your problems by waiting until you were not in the middle of the street to wipe a bit of loose gravel from your legs.
EcKLeSS: Right, OP why would you stop in the middle of the street to do that?
AngelOfDoom: Because the light was still red for the car? He's not actually in the way.
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1398716360 | 1398841322 | t3_247rh4 | t5_2to41 | 285 | fuckmylifeman: TIFU by being the horny bastard I am
I was getting bored of conventional masturbation, so I decided to up my fap game.
I googled how to make a pocket pussy and I basically ended up making a contraption of two large sponges and ducktaped them together with a result that looked a bit similar to [this](http://i.imgur.com/sUT3a.jpg).
I'd always wondered what it was like to watch porn in 3D, but we didn't have any 3d glasses, so I also googled how to make my own which ended up like [these](http://img.labnol.org/di/3d_glasses.jpg).
So when everybody was asleep - or so I thought - I ventured downstairs into the living room with the big TV carrying my laptop. You're supposed to insert a latex glove into the pocket pussy, but I couldn't find any, so I thought, "Fuck it, might as well use a plastic bag." I don't have any lube either, so I just ended up using some body lotion.
I get everything set and begin jacking it, and man, my dinkleberry was feeling good. But not for long. Apparently, my mom came in, but I didn't notice at first since I was wearing a headset.
So there I was. I was watching this red/cyan porn while lying down on the floor with a ducktape contraption on my dick with a plastic bag at the end. The body lotion dried up quickly, so I had to reapply a lot, so I was basically smeared in it everywhere since I was butt ass naked. And if that wasn't enough, I was crunched over while holding the goddamn CD cover with blue and red markers over them to watch the 3D while wearing a huge headset. My mom watched in horror before she left. I'm writing this the next day and I still haven't left my room.
Phainted: Dang dude, this is why you use earphones and only have one of them in.
mj514: Even with only one in, it doesn't sound like he'd have enough time to cover his tracks if he heard his mom coming.
Phainted: Yeah he was pretty screwed either way.
| 4 | 71.25 | |
1398720210 | 1398733996 | t3_247ydl | t5_2to41 | 23 | Missing_Madness: TIFU by trying to be the worst possible hero
Well reddit, today (or over the weekend actually) I fucked up big time.
So I'm a 15 yo guy from Michigan, I also play hockey. Thus during a game I was hit quite cleanly into the boards. However, my problem was I broke a few ribs. I knew pretty much straight off they were broken.
But, my dumbass 15 yo mind told me "You're fine, keep playing, it'll work out!" Well adrenaline is a great painkiller apparently, but when it when away... just fuck. My ribs told me how much of a dumbass I was after though... so thanks and fuck you adrenaline.
SO... my true fuckup starts here. I decided that weekend to play in a tournament with my team. I was continuously getting hit and then limping home to lick my wounds and grumble angrily to myself. I icyhot'ed the hell out of my poor body, but as I soon found out, broken ribs also cause excruciating shoulder pain and back muscle pain. I now also have pain all over my body because I couldn't get places as I usually could, giving me more injuries.
TD;LR don't try to be a hero, or shit'll go down.
Edit: Grammar mistakes
Update: I got out of school early today to go to the doctor's and my diagnosis was that I have dislodged 3 ribs from the cartilage of my sternum. I had them pushed back into place though and I'm feeling a lot better already!
avatarvszelda: First of all, you seem pretty mature for a 15 year old. I know 25 year old's who would cry like a little bitch in the same situation. And secondly, you need to get that checked out. A broken rib can pierce the lungs, and if it is already broken then any sudden movement (like being pushed against the glass or falling) can shove the sharp bone into your chest cavity. See the doctor.
Missing_Madness: Thanks, I have an appointment soon and will update after I go
Lehk: how soon? unless you mean "this evening" you should go to an urgent care center
Missing_Madness: I think I'm going tomorrow, but I don't know for sure.
| 5 | 4.6 | |
1398730198 | 1398819475 | t3_248etu | t5_2to41 | 151 | rya11111: [PSA] Attention subscribers of r/TIFU, Its No-Poop Week!
Hello dear subscribers!
We are gonna do an experiment! It seems we have an increase in pooping and sharting stories a lot these days and we are planning to test the waters if we can see some more quality fuck-ups thereby increasing the fun of our sub! So to work on that we are doing a no-poop week this time where any post with pooping or sharting or any other pooping related words in title or the content will be removed and we will get back to you for your review on the no-poop week at the end of it!
So have a fun week everyone!
whalezzzzZz: Now there will be no new fuckups because they will all be removed.
Princess-Seh: No no, we will still have the unlocked door masturbators, and the inadvertant porn showers.
esearcher: Those aren't as much fun as the poop and shart TIFUs. Maybe we need a new sub: TodayFromMyAss... or TFMA
Cougs67: Isn't there a /r/shitmyself?
esearcher: Apparently it's not active. And I don't know why, but the idea of such stories on TIFU is funnier than on a sub called shitmyself. No logic behind that, so I can't explain.
Cougs67: I agree, I like having the stories on this sub better. I was just letting you know there was already a sub just for poop/shart stories
| 7 | 21.571429 | |
1398731526 | 1398799940 | t3_248gwv | t5_2to41 | 43 | Ciael: TIFU by hitting a girl with a discus
In case you don't know what discus is it is a heavy metal [disc] (https://www.google.com/search?q=discus&es_sm=93&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=u_FeU6aQBeSwyQGN9oDQDA&ved=0CAgQ_AUoAQ&biw=1920&bih=979#q=discus+disc&tbm=isch&imgdii=_) that you throw in track and field events to get the disc as far as you can.
Well, today i decided to try on the first day of track to try it out and the girl behind me had stepped up so she was inside the perimeter. I let loose a bit to soon and boom. Right in the lower stomach area. From what I've heard, this hurts LOTS, and while she was really nice about it she was in a lot of pain.
Coach asked to talk with her mom after practice....... hoping for the best.
kingkouph: Should be fine, she was in the ring while you were going to throw, you poorly threw a discus. Simple accident. At least she's not freaking out about it
Ciael: that's a relief, however everyone else on the team is giving me shit
kingkouph: As long as she's taking it fine, there shouldn't be a problem. If she was pissed and tried to pin it on you somehow then I'm not sure what to say but seems like it'll be alright
| 4 | 10.75 | |
1398734683 | 1399194409 | t3_248m4u | t5_2to41 | 15 | Redtail3: TIFU by passing gas.
So, I'm in my last block of the day, and I decide to go to the restroom. Lunch is in third block, and I was feeling pretty gassy. So I go in, and start urinating, and I felt one coming on, so I let it fly. Just as I was letting this wonderful bomb go, one of my favorite teachers walked in, and he heard 100% of one of the biggest, hardiest farts I've ever had in my life. I didn't notice he was there, until I turn around and he's stopped, mid pace, engulfed in the fumes.
**TL;DR ripped ass in front of a teacher, engulfed room in fumes.**
alanram: You should have just owned that shit and said: "your move, sir."
BuhDan: "Don't forget to wash your hands..."
*Waddles away.*
| 3 | 5 | |
1398767745 | 1398801082 | t3_249m60 | t5_2to41 | -5 | DJsocks922: TIFU by telling a 88 year old woman to die then Hitler jokes will be funny.
I was driving an old lady's car from the town where I study to my hometown, she can't drive long distances so I had to drive but that's not the point. So I'm a 20 year old guy trying to make conversation with this 88 year old woman, all goes well in the beginning of the 4 hour drive, make small talk and random chit-chat. So the topic comes up of a incident that happened at another university a while back that was in the papers, I don't know exactly what happened but it was some Hitler reference they made in some dance or something. She seemed upset about it and I said, "Things like that are funny to people that weren't alive during that time. Once that generation is gone more stuff will be funny."
Awkward silence followed.
esearcher: What? Genocide won't be funny when all the people who were alive at the time and/or have some direct connection to the event are dead.
Just like 9/11 doesn't get funnier with every year that passes.
DJsocks922: Not to Americans...
esearcher: Not to anyone (with a heart and soul). Any tragedy of such a scale that happens anywhere in the world never becomes funny to anyone, regardless of whether or not it happened on their soil.
DJsocks922: Everybody has a heart. There is no such thing as a soul.
esearcher: Whatever, pedant. You know what I meant. And we weren't in a religious discussion so the figurative soul didn't seem like a sticking point. I don't know why I'm bothering. Your posts clearly indicate that you're heartless.
| 6 | -0.833333 | |
1398778716 | 1398799770 | t3_249x6v | t5_2to41 | 191 | [deleted]: TIFU by covering all the dishes in my seman
Today I decided to jerk it in the living room. Normal Tuesday. There was a towel next to me so I cleaned it up with that. There was a lot of cleaning up to do because it had been several days and I had a lot of water in the following hours. So I go on about my business and them decided to wash the dishes because my girlfriend will be home from work in a few hours.
I get the dishes washed and go into a closet to get a towel to dry them. I go to begin and see there's a dish set on the other side of the counter I forgot so I throw the towel across the couch (we live in a very small apartment so the kitchen basically is the living room) and finish washing, turn around and pick up a towel and dry off all the dishes. I hate washing dishes so I sit down on the couch relieved that this task has been completed and what do I see? A clean towel. I immediately realized I had coated all of our dishes in cum. I don't know what I'm going to do, if anything.
Missing_Madness: *Semen
darkarchon11: *Seamen
Missing_Madness: Is it a problem that I actually can't tell if you're joking or not?
darkarchon11: [Obviously not a joke and/or reference](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Simpsons_Already_Did_It)
| 5 | 38.2 | |
1398759095 | 1398795394 | t3_249ft8 | t5_2to41 | 38 | NoFlyingSolo: TIFU by submitting a Draft instead of the Final Paper
Hello fellow Redditors! Apparently, fate loves to play me for a fool; so here's a new story of my fuck-ups; all for your amusement.
So today I come back home exhausted from aikido training, and after dining I collapsed on my bed without checking my mail.
I woke up in at 1.20am aprox, and decided that I would check my mail as I didn't do so for a few hours.
One of my Professors had sent me the final grade for a Midterm project. I had a 56/100. And then it was when it hit me.
I sent him one of my Drafts instead of the Final Paper.
I had named all of the Drafts the same, excepting a change in number. Which I did not notice when I changed the "Final Paper" file name into the requested format, and hit "Send".
Now I am hoping he has mercy on me. While he knows me for a while now, and we are friends, so to speak, I am still scared. I cannot have my average go down because of a mistake like this!
Hell, I had to re-do my Final Paper (I deleted the file. I am such a retard...) from a 80% completed Draft (which I am using as proof that I indeed fucked up instead of doing everything from scratch now) and changed the date on my computed for it to look like it was made before the deadline.
Guys, always remember to give your shit unique names; to prevent confusion. Also, keep all your Drafts and Finals with you and only delete them once the term is up. Not before. Don't be like me, a dumbass that thought to have it all covered and did not do something as essential as a proof-check.
Not even sucking my own dick makes up for the sheer suckiness of this.
swordfishtrombonez: > Hell, I had to re-do my Final Paper (I deleted the file. I am such a retard...) from a 80% completed Draft (which I am using as proof that I indeed fucked up instead of doing everything from scratch now) and changed the date on my computed for it to look like it was made before the deadline.
Your professor is probably wise to this trick, FYI
NoFlyingSolo: Most likely.
Fortunately, it wasn't even needed. He just took the paper, no strings attached.
Still, I am not expecting an awesome grade.
| 3 | 12.666667 | |
1398779958 | 1398825115 | t3_249ywp | t5_2to41 | 2,334 | [deleted]: TIFU by scaring my neighbor while drunk
My apartment is on the second floor and the bedroom window is right along the main walkway. My neighbor must have been leaving for work really early at like 4:30 am but I had just opened the window to get some air in the place and I heard her coming out of her house. The light in my room was already off so I just waited until she walked right by and stuck my head out right into her face and yelled "COCKADOODLEFUCKINGDOO!" as loud as I could. It really freaked her out and she started crying and dropped her stuff. I was drunk as shit so I just closed the window and the shades. I'm going to avoid her for a few weeks then pretend like nothing happened, hopefully she'll forget it was me.
Bijackar: dude..don't just avoid it, go up to her door and explain that you were drunk. she will NEVER forget that shit. You need to talk to her if you want a good relationship with your neighbor, you never know when you're gonna need her help.
ninjasauruscam: yeah man, play the cards right and you could sleep with her
Bijackar: Unless she is an old lady WHICH IS NOT AN ISSUE.
YaDoneFuckedTucker: No she is young and fine. I've been wanting to bend her over for a while now, probably won't happen now but like I said maybe she'll forget about it.
rabidhamster87: You made her cry on the way to work and probably ruined her whole day. She won't forget about it.
YaDoneFuckedTucker: Then maybe she'll still let me bend her over and hit it from behind. I'm a large manly man after all with a hairy chest, women love that shit. She'll feel my fat sweaty overhanging belly resting on her shapely derriere and when I'm finally ready to blow my nut nectar I'll shout "COCKADOODLEFUCKINGDOOOOOOOOOO!" and let it fly all over her back.
ErectusPenor: Am I the only one here who thinks OP was trying to make a joke?
thistledownhair: Everyone knows he was making a joke. It wasn't a funny joke.
ErectusPenor: Good point.
| 10 | 233.4 | |
1398786572 | 1398790269 | t3_24a94k | t5_2to41 | 103 | altiro15: TIFU when i was surfing through r/cringepics during class
i am posting this from another class because i didnt want to forget
so i was doing some research in my other class and got bored. like a normal student i went to another website(reddit) and went to r/cringepics to have a good laugh. i clicked on a NSFW picture of a man fucking an xbox 360! when suddenly my teacher popped behind and just stared there watching the picture. luckily he didnt made an scene but i was pretty embarrassed, and he took the computer away from me and told me "im gonna hang onto this"
im so scared right now, i dont know what will be the consequences or what will he do.
wish me luck!
czarchastic: He's gonna make sweet love to your laptop bro.
[deleted]: Nah he's gonna hate fuck it because it's not a 360.
| 3 | 34.333333 | |
1398790360 | 1398847944 | t3_24afpo | t5_2to41 | 66 | audiophallic: TIFU by masturbating while my housemate was having sex
So like 20 minutes ago, I decided to have a quick wank before I start my day. I put on a treasured classic and get to work. Just as I'm starting to feel it, I hear a loud moan down the hall.
I live with a girl who is VERY loud while having sex and her boyfriend is over basically all day. They're way too open about it all. They rarely close the door all the way and occasionally will text me to let me know they're naked and spooning or whatever to make me feel awkward. She comes into my room with just underwear on a fair amount. I'm pretty sure they've tried to gauge how much I'd be into a threesome like, I don't know, 10 times over the last year. The first two weeks into our living together while she was dating her last boyfriend, she got drunk and offered to flash her tits if I'd flash my dick, and then offered to have sex with me. I said no to both.
She's pretty attractive, but I am not attracted to her in the least, so most of this just makes me uncomfortable.
Back to wanking. I hear her start her round of moaning that's louder than anything in my porn and just kind of sigh and stop. I don't want to jerk it while they're doing it; that's weird. I can literally hear the sound of him pounding her, the wet, squelching *thwap thwap thwap* sound down the hall so loud even with my door closed that it may as well be in the room with me, my own telltale cock *beating* away. It's not exactly a turn-on.
But fuck it! I say. This was my plan and I'm going to stick to it. I'll just put in headphones and ignore them. You can already see where this is going.
I keep going up and down my elevator shaft until I'm feeling ready to pop, which is usually when I head to the bathroom to make a deposit in the bank, so I take out my headphones and move my computer out of the way so I can get up. Right at that moment, my housemate's boyfriend walks into the room.
He knocked a couple times but I didn't hear him because I still had my headphones in, so he opened the door anyway, only wearing his boxers. He's halfway through asking if I have a condom he can borrow (seriously, why do people ask to borrow those) but sees what's going on and immediately leaves.
From his perspective, he walked into the room, my computer is to the side, my headphones are out, and I'm jerking it. Moments ago, my housemate was screaming like a showgirl. It looks bad. Pretty sure they're gonna start hinting at the threesome again real soon.
**tl;dr I decided to jerk it while my housemate was having sex and her boyfriend walked in to get a condom and now it looks like I was jerking to the sound of them**
YaDoneFuckedTucker: I've jerked off to the sound of my roommate pounding random slags from the bar plenty of times. Nothing weird about it at all. Porn is fake, better to jerk to real sex.
AlbinoMoose: No dude. That's weird.
Instantcretin: Thats not weird.
AlbinoMoose: You're right. It's creepy.
Instantcretin: Ill give you that one.
| 6 | 11 | |
1398795348 | 1399182985 | t3_24ao9n | t5_2to41 | 57 | [deleted]: TIFU by talking about my fetishes in an interview
So today I had an interview for my dream job. It's very very professional and competitive position and I was one of the first to interview. There was a huge panel of 12 people asking the interview questions. It went well until the end when the head interviewer asked if anyone else had a question for me. I could tell one guy had been itching to ask me something the whole way through the prepared questions. A tiny back story sometimes I have vivid dreams then I get obsessed with the topic of the dream for a few days. So anyways he asks if I can speak German. It's on my resume, I can but I haven't had an opportunity to practice in probably 3 years. I'm trying to think of how to answer this since it caught me off guard, this guy looks German and can probably speak it also. I'm blanking on any German besides "Ja". In my panic I say "Yes, and actually off topic last night after watching the Mavs I had a dream about Dirk Nowitzki...uh and it was all in German" I'm sure the look on my face gave away what kind of dream I was having about a tall handsome kraut. They all laughed but I either won them over or completely blew it in one sentence. I'll find out next week.
TL; DR Panicked in interview and blurted 7ft bratwurst fantasy
Margaret_Atwood: God damn, sorry but this is tame. Not a fuck up. It probably showed you can laugh at yourself, which is a positive if anything. Now if you said in this dream you were dressed in a full body German rubber piss suit, that would be a different story.
Cube00: I knew Googling that was a bad idea.
BuhDan: I'll let you borrow mine if you like
| 4 | 14.25 | |
1398808441 | 1398837334 | t3_24bboo | t5_2to41 | 64 | scumbagskool: TIFU By telling my fiance I might have a daughter.
I've been with her for two years and I absolutely love her. I've had a crush on this girl since middle school. She's the love of my life.
So I basically got "catfished" 5 years ago. I even spent and entire birthday in LAX. This chick contacted me saying she has a kid, is going through a divorce, the kid is mine blah blah I'm pretty upset and can't type for shit.
I told my fiance I might have a kid and she's fucking gone. I hate my life.
pamplemus: look, if she's your fiancée, she loves you. she won't be driven away by a surprise child even you didn't know about. she's probably just shocked, which is understandable.
please don't just believe this other woman's claims. i like to believe the best in people, but it's possible that the woman is lying about you being the father so she doesn't have to support the child on her own now that she's getting divorced. before anything happens, ESTABLISH PATERNITY. and then... take it from there.
scumbagskool: This was my big mistake. I should have waited to find out for sure before saying anything. I've known about the maybe baby for a little while and it was eating at my soul. I couldn't keep it in any longer.
Thanks for the kind words pamplemus.
esearcher: No, I think you did the right thing. If you waited this out till the paternity check came back, you'd be on edge and your fiancee would know something was wrong, even if she didn't know what, exactly. Also, if it came out later that you were going through that, she'd feel really lousy that you hid it from her. She just needs some time to adjust. You didn't conceive this maybe baby while you were with your fiancee, right? It will all be ok, it'll just be tense till you get to ok.
scumbagskool: I didn't. The maybe baby was born far before we (fiance and I) even started talking. I'm no saint but I'm no cheater, just never have been.
esearcher: Then don't worry about it. She'll know you're no cheater just by age of maybe baby. It'll just take her some time to adjust. If, when you told her, you let on that you've known for longer than, say 10 hours before you told her, it might take her a little longer to come around. But she will.
Look, emotion isn't always (or ever?) rational. I'm sure a million things are going through her mind now. She might even be thinking that all the firsts she thought you two would have together, now you might not experience all those firsts together, like first child. And no, you weren't there for the birth or any of maybe baby's life, but like I said, reason doesn't kick in till all the thoughts are purged. So just sit tight while she's coming to terms with it all. You didn't do anything wrong. All you did was possibly alter your future reality a bit. It will all work out.
| 6 | 10.666667 | |
1398809111 | 1398880427 | t3_24bct2 | t5_2to41 | 60 | Sebedee: TIFU by mistaking someone in a changing room for my friend.
My friend and I had just been swimming at the gym.
We had just had a shower and he went to get changed before me; I went to get my things from the locker and started to sing the ["this is my pee pee"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8amtq5aXRL8) song towards the changing room, in which I thought my friend was getting changed in. I then saw what I thought was his underwear draped on the door - so naturally I thought it would be funny to move them higher up out of reach. I then heard "cheers mate" come from inside - in a voice that was not my friend. My friend, as it happens, was drying his hair.
SuggestiveMaterial: Meh. This isn't a fuck up. I yelled out my car window the other day to a guy in a truck two lanes over that I thought was my friend that I hadn't seen in a while... from the side it looked just like him. The guy turned and looked at me and i was like 'OMG... You're not -friend-... I'm sorry... you look just like him!"
Sma144: Yours is ***way*** less of a fuck-up than OP's. You mistook someone for your friend and said hello to them. OP mistook someone for his friend and stole their underwear when they were naked in public. Totally different situations.
SuggestiveMaterial: He didn't take his underwear... nor did he end up naked. He moved it...
| 4 | 15 | |
1398820812 | 1398906351 | t3_24bvo5 | t5_2to41 | 24 | p0opsco0p: TIFU by dropping my phone on my tablet, fucking up both of the screens beyond use.
fml. I was just laying in bed, when suddenly I got a text. Started to read it, then I got another message, and as it vibrated I dropped it. First time I've broke pretty much anything in 4 years, it just had to be this.
donsano: which phone and which tablet?
sorry to hear, still the little evil in me laughs because I'm mean, sorry <.<
p0opsco0p: iPhone 5s and an iPad 4. Needless to say I'm not going for another iPhone once my contract ends.
cunninglinguist96: Ouch! I just clenched my anus.
| 4 | 6 | |
1398821512 | 1398872154 | t3_24bwu4 | t5_2to41 | 30 | TheLegendarySheep: TIFU by trying on a mood ring.
So I'm at this gift shop at the local marine wildlife center. I see some mood rings of different sizes and I say, "Hey, I've never gotten one of these before. Maybe I'll try one on."
So I do. I walk around for a little bit, and go to pay for it. I try to take it off. But I can't. It's about 3 sizes too small, and it's a miracle I got it on in the first place.
"Uh, I can't get it off."
"Are you serious?"
"Yeah, do you have any lotion?"
So this cashier goes into the back and gets me some lotion. I rub my finger with it, and pull at the ring, but it won't come off.
Now I'm starting to panic. I try soap, water, and lotion but none of those will work. Finally I give up and pay for the ring.
I get in my car and drive to the hospital with the ring on my throbbing finger, and when I get there, it sticks out like a sore ring finger.
I walk into the waiting room and show them my finger.
"I can't get it off."
The lady at the ER desk gives me a look and tells me to take a seat. A half hour later, she motions for me to step into the measurements room.
They take my temperature, my heart rate, and my blood pressure. Then they take me into the room where you sit on the bed and wait, I don't know the name and I'm too lazy to look it up, but you know what I mean.
So I wait another 20 minutes and they come into the room with some sort of can opener-esque device. They stick one end under the ring and then they close it. They turn the wheel until they cut through the ring. I go home and live happily ever after.
tl;dr: Got a mood ring stuck on my finger and went to the ER to get it off
Stiffed_: What colour was it?
TheLegendarySheep: I think it turned blue or purple from the constant water and other liquids on it.
Future_Jared: The ring or your finger?
TheLegendarySheep: the ring
| 5 | 6 | |
1398823601 | 1398838366 | t3_24c0ab | t5_2to41 | 108 | [deleted]: TIFU by rubbing icy-hot on my testicles
For the past week I've had a severe knot in my upper back which won't seem to go away. This morning i made a quick run to my local cvs and bought a tube of icy-hot muscle rub...I get home apply the rub to my back and after half an hour or so begin feeling some comfort. I'm not sure why the thought crossed my mind but I wondered how the rub would feel on my nuts so i went to the bathroom and applied a small drop. After just a few minutes my testicles began feeling uncomfortable and after half an hour i was experiencing the worst burning sensation ive ever felt. I paced around the room for a few minutes trying to figure out what to do. I finally went to the shower thinking it would help to wash the rub off my nuts but i was wrong. The second the water hit my nuts the pain intensified to double what it originally was. I dried myself off quickly and went to lay on the floor. After 2 hours the pain subsided and im feeling nearly normal...
cannonman1863: I've done something similar before. Used the stuff and thought I had washed it off my hands completely until going to take care of an itch. Great balls of fire.
blastedastronaut: >Great balls of fire.
You are my hero.
| 3 | 36 | |
1398823862 | 1398857850 | t3_24c0pe | t5_2to41 | 58 | Havib3: TIFU by letting the shower cable slip into the hole.
So I landed a job working at a 5 star hotel and I get to stay in one of the rooms. It's really nicely styled and has a bathtub with a shower head designed so that it sticks out from the side of the bathtub. The bathtub itself is built like a solid piece so there is no gap between the tub and wall.
So what do I do my first night in a classy 5 star hotel? Fuckin jerk fest of course. Grab my laptop, dim the lights and just start to fill the tub with water while watching porno. I grab the shower head, unscrew the head so I get that really strong jet of water and use it on my frenulum under water. I edge myself for about half an hour then finally when I reach the point of no return, I take a deep breath and sink my head under water and release my load. Without thinking I also release my grasp on the shower cable which gracefully slides back into the hole and disappears. I turn off the water and immediately go from post-orgasm-afterglow into full on panic mode.
I made a wire hook and a magnet fixed to some fishing line. Nothing worked. In the end, I had to call front desk and make up some dumb excuse about me trying to wash my clothes in the tub and the cable just slipped back in. I left my room for a few hours and when I got back the engineering department had fixed it, but not without cutting a piece out of the rock that the tub was molded into. I was so embarrased for a few weeks thinking "they know... they know... " but after a couple months of silence and no funny remarks from anyone I guess they really bought my laundry story.
Do you guys think anyone made the connection I was spraying warm jets of water on my dick?
fredinvisible: I just can't picture what you're trying to say. What hole? Doesn't the cable have the shower head on the end, so it couldn't fall anywhere? I don't get it....
Havib3: It's basically a hole drilled into the marble rock surface and the shower cable passes through it. You don't see the beginning of the cable, it just extends right out of the hole, designed to get rid of messy long shower cables I suppose.
fredinvisible: I must be a moron, because I'm still not getting it. What do you mean by shower cable? Do you mean the pipe?
alliOops: http://www.fixatap.com.au/product/flexible-hand-held-shower-hose-white/219602
i think this is what OP means. I have them on kitchen sinks and the hose is weighted so it disappears into the sink area when i let it go...but it gets stopped by having a shower/tap head on it
fredinvisible: Right. I can't see how that could fall into the hole unless the shower head broke off, in which case it wouldn't be OP's fault.
alliOops: OP took the shower head off, meaning the hose would be weighted to disappear into the hole...when he let go of it.
blokes n hoses...whonose?
fredinvisible: Ah. I must have read that post a dozen times trying to work out how this happened, and I missed that passage every time.
| 8 | 7.25 | |
1398796782 | 1398907247 | t3_24aqvf | t5_2to41 | 17 | mudkippp: TIFU by going tuxedo shopping
[So today I went tuxedo shopping and...](http://imgur.com/JhGvbH8)
John_the_Piper: Myself and two of my guy friends decided to go as each others stagg dates my senior year. It was a blast. All three of us wore matching red and black tuxedos and we were definitely the fliest mother fuckers at the joint
mudkippp: Haha, sounds like a blast!
John_the_Piper: Basically, my senior prom with two guy friends as dates ended up much better than my junior prom with my high school sweetheart. So have fun with it man!
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1398833308 | 1398963752 | t3_24cdxl | t5_2to41 | 501 | TheForeverAloneDude: TIFU by forgetting to proof-check my PowerPoint presentation before presenting to about 50 other people.
So there I was, procrastinating like usual. I was casually playing some War Thunder with my pals just enjoying my day off of school when I remembered I had an entire damn 20 minute long presentation due the next day about the year 1450.
I decided to load up Google drive and start this bitch up. I wrote about stuff dating from the early 14th century all the way to around 1471. This thing was hard, because Wikipedia had nearly nothing about this time period and my textbook Kagan seemed to be the same.
I got to nearly around 35 slides jam-packed with information when I started to lower my standards. I called my friends to help me with the editing. I told them to add some cool pictures and just tidy up some of the paragraphs and other shit you can do in Google PowerPoint.
I saved the PowerPoint to a flash drive and ended up sharing it with my teacher so I could present it in class in a moments notice. I get to my class, and I get called up first to present.(Just my luck) I remember walking up to the teachers computer to load the PowerPoint when I realized that I'm about to present something I spent only an hour on in front of around 50 people.
I started panicking but managed to hold it out until the first slide popped up. And that was it, There was a literal asshole consuming a sharpie on the screen. My friends must have done this forgetting to tell me about it.
I didn't know what to do, I tried to just skip the slides but there were even worse things on the later slides that Satan himself would stop in his tracks if he saw, such as blue waffles and people cutting off their genitals.
After the damage was done, blank faced, I just left the class without bothering to look back.
It's been about a week since this happened, so I'm still scared as fuck to try and return to the class to get the class over with since we have about a month left of school.
TLDR: I made a PowerPoint on Google drive, shared it with my friends to help me edit it, they put nasty shit all over the slides without telling me. Presented it in front of my class, basically giving them a free pass to the shadow net and nasty porn palooza of spacedicks. I also haven't been back since it happened about a week ago.
moochie94: First of all, I feel like you should have seen this coming from a mile away, and secondly, just out of curiosity, what grade level are you in?
TheForeverAloneDude: Haha 10th grade.
Captain_Balko: Oh good. Jesus I thought you were in university for a second, which would have been fucking horrible because, well, it's serious shit. Don't worry about it, then, if it's only the tenth grade. Don't be too harsh on your friends, because boys will be boys and all that. I mean, it's pretty fucking intense this time, but I would have shit myself if somebody did something like this in high school (well, not to me, but if it happened to somebody else it'd be hilarious). Plus, dude, you probably should not trust your friends with editing a powerpoint, *ever*.
Some presentation slip ups / jokes I've seen when I was in high school to make you feel better:
Friend was presenting his powerpoint on the components of a certain computer for our old very Christian computer engineering teacher, and puts up a picture of a fighter jet and a female Olympic skier. He explains what each is, and says, "You're probably wondering why I put these pictures up. Well the jet is the pride of the Russian air force, and she is very sexy". Teacher was the only one who didn't crack up. In that same class, I was doing a presentation on the Nintendo Gameboy and its components, and to preface it I had a picture of myself and my friend eating burgers (who was also in the class and told me "no matter what don't put my picture in your presentation"). I said, "this is me and my best friend ever eating hamburgers. Unfortunately my friend has asked to remain anonymous." I click again and very slowly a thin censor bar drags up the screen and covers his eyes, despite the picture being up for about thirty seconds now.
Another time I was doing a history presentation and we were making a movie. We have a black friend who loves to put racist humour in our projects. We always tell him no but he eventually talks us into it. The first one was a history project about the Boston Massacre that helped spark the American Revolution. He is the only person who isn't killed in the the film, and he says, "DAAYAAMN!" in a stereotypical way before running. Of course, I get stuck with the line "Get him! Get the black one!" which he convinces me "isn't racist because I told you to say it". One of the other characters is told to refer to him as "Jamal" and then he is referred to in the credits again as "Mr. Jefferson" (both his idea). The class loved it, but the teacher wasn't happy about it. We ended up doing the same thing in grade 11 law class, where our video was on sentencing. He insisted that we make it look like he's been sentenced unfairly because he's black (explaining that it would be racist if we didn't because that happens in real life or something). When the video ended with the main character saying "remember, sentencing can affect anyone at any time, especially black people", we got a death stare from the only other black person in the class. Good times. (Disclaimer: I'm not okay with racism and none of this was my idea, I was just pulled into the whole thing)
jayesanctus: > I thought you were in university for a second, which would have been fucking horrible because, well, it's serious shit.
lol
Captain_Balko: Not sure what's funny about that. I happen to take it seriously because 1. I pay for it, 2. how well I do determines my future career, 3. You could get kicked out of school for showing up with a powerpoint like that, even by accident.
jayesanctus: Having completed a jd, I assure you that undergrad isn't really as serious as you would like to believe, or have been led to believe.
Still, if you think its life or death, I think that's great, and you will do well in life. Don't forget to network in your chosen area of study or future profession. Some people focus solely on academics and not on the 'who you know' portion of finding a career. Not suggesting that you have neglected this, but it does bear mentioning as networking is quite meaningful. Even for engineers.
I certainly wish you all the success you can possibly have.
Captain_Balko: I totally understand the importance of a "social game" and making good connections.
I'm sure for many people undergrad isn't really serious, but I'd really like to be a lawyer and my law school of choice (the one connected to the university I'm currently going to) is the best in the country and requires at least a 3.8 GPA (and even then you also need recommendation letters and great LSAT scores). Because of this I really have to take my work seriously, I know if I start slacking I'll fall behind, not accomplish my goals, and regret it for the rest of my life.
jayesanctus: > I know if I start slacking I'll fall behind, not accomplish my goals, and regret it for the rest of my life.
I was on board with you until this.
Never forget that life has its own plans and ideas for you. You may not get where you want to go, but that may just mean you are where you're supposed to be or where you're needed. And you will have the rest of your life to achieve the things you want to achieve if you don't make it the first time. Life is huge in its possibilities and excruciatingly beautiful at times.
Being focused is great, but remember: balance is the key to life.
Please don't forget to stop and smell the roses from time to time.
And make sure your loved ones know you love them. Sometimes dedication to work and study can take a hyper-focused person away from them in a number of ways. (that last bit is important to remember)
Good luck!
| 9 | 55.666667 | |
1398831870 | 1399021648 | t3_24cc4u | t5_2to41 | 32 | [deleted]: TIFU by hitting a cigarette butt that I found on the ground
Throw away to save embarrassment. This all happened over the weekend. It all started when I met up with my friend. We'll call him Jared. Post festival Jared texted to meet him by a restaurant downtown saying that it was gonna be awesome. I show up by the restaurant to see Jared with a grin on his face, waving me over. As I approach, he doesn't mutter a single word as he pulls out his backpack and opens it, revealing alcohol and weed galore. He then told me that it was his weekend stash and that we were gonna have an awesome night. We then proceeded to get completely cross faded and meet up with a whole bunch of people to hang out and go get burritos. Here's the fuck up. After we get the burritos we headed over to this secret dock that me and jared have known about for years. The alcohol was flowing and I was chatting up a cute girl we were with when all of a sudden one of our friends picks up a cigarette butt of the ground with a bit of tobacco left in it. He lights it and dares me to take a puff. In my dumb drunken state I thought it would be a good idea to impress the girl. I hit it and there wasn't any problem, just grossed out some of my friends. It didn't get bad tip the next day. I woke up with my throat feeling like i had been in a deep throating marathon with Ron Jeremy. I instantly felt sick sprinting to the bathroom have to shit and puke immensely. I jumped into the shower and released the flood gates. The burning sensation from the poop was so painful. I was simultaneously throwing up as the devil used my asshole as a portal to earth to shoot out his hot painful fire. I've been stuck in bed for 3 days with non stop shit sprints to the bathroom. I see a doctor on thursday.
Tl;dr smoking is bad for you, kids
Scenesofcarnage: It was most likely the burritos and alcohol that did that than the cigarette, or you just happened to catch an illness. Hope you feel better soon.
EsseElLoco: Alcohol + greasy food = bad shits. Add in Nicotine which really gets you going, it's a recipe for a fun day.
| 3 | 10.666667 | |
1398836491 | 1398909800 | t3_24chg9 | t5_2to41 | 41 | dancingcat: TIFU by having sex with my neighbor.
The sex was bad, he's clingy and he obviously knows where i live...
555nick: Just lie and say you're kinda seeing someone else, it was good but it was a heat of the moment thing you don't really wanna let happen again. Problem solved.
Don't tell him it was bad or it'll make him wanna fix it.
esearcher: Better to just tell him that she's taking some time for herself, and having a one-night-stand confirmed for her that she needs to spend time single and date herself, or some non-cheesy way to phrase it.
Seeing someone else will seem like a lie when she's not seen seeing someone else. It's easier for her to say "sorry, I'm shutting this vagina down for a bit" and hope he moves on. If she meets someone, well, it's a woman's prerogative to change her mind.
555nick: ^sure - this, if you want to be healthy and honest and all that bullshit.
esearcher: It sure beats telling him his dick is tiny, he doesn't use it well, or at least that was the only conclusion she came to in the 30 seconds it was in use!! :)
| 5 | 8.2 | |
1398833453 | 1398911661 | t3_24ce37 | t5_2to41 | 45 | ChocolateBandit: TIFU by being poor, hungry, and stupid.
I work a shitty job with shitty hours, and my paychecks barely cover the gas to get to work and back, let alone car insurance. I can never afford to eat out, and the place I'm staying (rent free thank god) never has food, because the owner always eats out. I've looked and looked for new jobs, but to no avail. I'm still looking. No luck. Anyways, fast forward to last night. I'm at the counter of this clothing store, closing my register, when I notice a flash of gold. I look up, and there it is, dark, rich, chocolate. Expensive chocolate. Food chocolate. At this point, it had been 2 days since I had eaten. I look around. No one around. I casually pick up 2 bars, and put them under the counter. Look again; no one anywhere near me. I finish closing my register, and slip the chocolate into my pockets. Success. I did it. I'm home free. I walk towards the front of the store, drop off my register shit, and say goodnight to my boss. As I'm leaving, I hear :"Uhm, Ruth? Could you go stand by the exit and check people for stolen items? Thanks!" Cue ice cold blood. Heavybreathing.jpg. I can't dump the goods, everyone is right here. Ruth brushes past me, and heads to the exit. I slow down, and pull out my phone. I pretend to text (lol like I have friends) and keep walking. I get to the door, behind two elderly coworkers, and wait. Ruth checks the first one's purse: Nothing. She takes the second one's bag: Nothing. Then Ruth looks at me, winks, and says "You don't seem like the kind of guy to carry a purse, so you're good." (Sweet. Ruth is hot.) Inner sigh of relief. "Oh haha you're so funny yeah k bye." and I walk out the door. Woo! I made it! Haha, fuck you place of employment! I get in my car, and start it up. I start driving, window slightly down to let out smoke (I do odd jobs for friends, and they pay me in cigarettes.) and then I hear it: "CHOCOLATEBANDIT!" my boss is in the parking lot. fuck fuck fuck fuck just keep driving just keep driving "CHOCOLATEBANDIT!" nope lol nope I can't hear you over my music k bye. I get home, eat the chocolate, and start stressing.
I had today off, but I return tomorrow. Probably to get fired. Oh, did I mention that as I was leaving I noticed the HUGE FUCKING CAMERA POINTED AT MY REGISTER? Yep. Well, this is the first AND last time I ever steal. Fuck.
Rob1285: Have you considered having your friends pay you in cash for the odd jobs as opposed to cigarettes? Or have them buy you dinner?
ChocolateBandit: It's just that I've never been this broke, so I've never considered it before. It's also that I'm helping them with homework, so they're afraid of getting called on plagiarism if they pay cash.
Ghostofazombie: That's idiotic to think it matters whether they pay you in cash, something else, or not at all. Plagiarism is plagiarism and cheating is cheating.
ChocolateBandit: Eh, it's not cheating. What they do is email me their finished essays/short stories/poems and I edit them, and I mean EDIT. I have made a grown man (okay, he was 20, but still) cry. I refuse to write their papers for them, so it isn't technically cheating.
esearcher: People get paid for that, you should too. This payment in cigarettes is ridiculous and they are being cheap. If they got caught, what are they going to say "well, I only traded in tobacco, so it's legit" No. And so you edit, big deal. They need to pay for your services, it's not cheating.
ChocolateBandit: This is all because I am passive, and it started out with me doing it for free. I only ask for cigarettes now because I need them. After tomorrow, money should not be too big of a deal, because I am trying to work out a 60+ hour a week job. So we'll see.
esearcher: I understand, I am totally weak when it comes to talking about or asking about money, but you are doing a legitimate job, and deserve to be paid for it.
| 8 | 5.625 | |
1398816043 | 1398874406 | t3_24bo5h | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by making a "too soon" joke about a recently deceased person
So, to start off here's some backstory.
A kid at my school died on Sunday in a car accident. He was going around 70, and ran a stop sign. Died on impact, along with his friend.
Anywho, today I'm sitting in my car about to leave, and, while on snapchat I decided to take a picture of my dashboard.
So I took a picture, while stationary of course. Essentially I made [this](http://i.imgur.com/t38qj21.jpg) except it looked a lot more legit, because it was actually my car.After I made that I put a captiong that read "Going 150!!!" So, after sending that to all of my snapchat friends, I got a response that read "that's not ok zwinky588." I was beginning to respond with something along the lines of "I'm not actually taking a pic going 150" and that's when I realized. The realization hit me like a speeding car. I immediately apologized, and luckily she understood. I am still cringing at everyone else's still un-received reactions.
tohon75: That's okay OP, the day after my dad was killed in a car wreck while driving to work, i pissed off his side of the family by making the remark that "he always said his drive was a killer." All but one of them have yet to say a word to me since and it'll be 4 years in may.
hydrogenmolecute: 4 years?! That just seems ridiculous.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1398859518 | 1398909231 | t3_24d03z | t5_2to41 | 39 | [deleted]: TIFU by missing my Calc final.
So for the past week, I've been studying my ass off for my Calc 2 exam with my buddies who are also in the same class. Well, not the same, but the one literally directly after mine, but same teacher and everything. Anyways, since we had the same class, and his exam was today, at like 9:30. his class time I thought mine was too, but just to be sure, I checked and it said 7:30, instead of 8:00.
However I didn't notice that my test was scheduled for Monday, because every other test I had was on Wednesday.
So I go into the classroom, and a different teacher is there and explains that she had her test on Monday.
Now I'm fucked because I will fail the class without the final, and I've already pushed my luck quite a bit with the professor. (She extended 3 homework assignments for me.) I mean she's nice, like actually a very kind person, and I'm going to e-mail her about it, but I skipped class on monday because I thought it was review (Because I figured I had this) after I promised not to skip any more.
Is there any way out of this situation?
EDIT: She agreed to let me do a make up tomorrow. Thank god. I'm gonna get her a 50$ gift card or something.
98745412374269789512: GIVE HER THE GIFT CARD OR YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE
[deleted]: Howabout he put a gift card in your asshole.
98745412374269789512: I ONLY ACCEPT CREDIT OR DEBIT
Matttized: FINE. THEN WE'LL PUT THAT IN YOUR ASSHOLE.
| 5 | 7.8 | |
1398860385 | 1398878416 | t3_24d11d | t5_2to41 | 6,176 | angertopic: TIFU by being a racist little shit.
Okay, so this happened a fair while ago, but I've only just discovered this sub, plus the story still sticks with me to this day.
So, my older sister had just gotten engaged to this really cool survivalist-type guy, so the family celebrated by going on a camping trip, around the fire on the first night my sister's fiance decided telling some jokes would be fun, we all took turns, and as it came to mine I decided I'd tell a pretty racist joke cause I wanted to impress the fiance.
(Not going to repeat for fear of insulting people)
As it turns out, the race of the fiance was the same as the race I was joking about, and it was an extremely insulting joke, after a few shocked faces and awkward seconds later, my sister said updated me on the facts, and the guy got up and left the camp entirely along with my sister.
Come next week and we get an announcement from my sister that the engagement was canceled due to the fiance despising racists and hating myself and my family.
TL;DR: I broke up my sister's wedding because I was a racist little shit.
Edit: Just some things to clarify;
- We later found out that he was already having difficulties with my family, and that just pushed him over
the edge.
- The guy was from New Zealand, but his complexion didn't make it obvious at all, albeit I probably should
have gotten a hint from his accent.
- Lastly, I don't remember it entirely, but it was a pretty common one about them screwing their sheep, it
also had something to do with his mother too. If you guys really want it I'll try to google it to see if it
comes up.
charlie357: I think he must have had some misgivings about the engagement if he was willing to break it off due to one inappropriate joke.
NathanKett: Yep, nobody sane would call off a marriage with the one they love merely because the brother made an inappropriate joke.
Tomy2TugsFapMaster69: Maybe the Jew realised how expensive the wedding was going to be.
DamnTomatoDamnit: Subtle.
RsRadical108: A little too subtle.. His nose was sure to tip them off.
Klepisimo: What do you mean? You can't talk about Jews and tipping in the same context.
[deleted]: Not true. I'm a Jew and I've tipped many a canoe.
[deleted]: What's the cause of this commotion, motion, motion,
Our country through?
It is the ball a-rolling on
*[For Tippecanoe and Tyler too](http://www.presidentsusa.net/1840slogan.html).*
*For Tippecanoe and Tyler too.*
And with them we'll beat little Van, Van, Van,
Van is a used up man.
And with them we'll beat little Van.
[deleted]: What the actual fuck?
[deleted]: Those halcyon days when irreverent songs about other candidates for president decided elections.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tippecanoe_and_Tyler_Too
[deleted]: Yeah. I know what it is. I was just wondering what it had to do with my post.
[deleted]: I don't know that other's know
I knew that you knew
Keep tipping that canoe.
[deleted]: Yeah. I guess it's cause I'm an old fart.
[deleted]: You voted for Van Buren?
[deleted]: No but I went to a high school named after him.
[deleted]: That's cool, I guess, but nobody partied harder than his boss, [Andrew Jackson](http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/jackson-holds-open-house-at-the-white-house):
>Very shortly, the crowd swelled to more than 20,000, turning the usually dignified White House into a boisterous mob scene. Some guests stood on furniture in muddy shoes while others rummaged through rooms looking for the president--breaking dishes, crystal and grinding food into the carpet along the way. (White House staff reported the carpets smelled of cheese for months after the party.) In an attempt to draw partygoers out of the building, servants set up washtubs full of juice and whiskey on the White House lawn.
...when he wasn't shooting motherfuckers.
| 17 | 363.294118 | |
1398864037 | 1398908855 | t3_24d55b | t5_2to41 | 219 | PM_ME_A_BOOB_OR_2: TIFU by watching family guy with my son.
So there was a new episode of family guy aired on Sunday night, and I usually let my kids stay up and watch it with me. It's one of our favorite shows. Anyway, I got a call from my son's school this morning (he's in 4th grade at a catholic school) saying that he was saying racial slurs that were also against the catholic faith. This was not like him, as he has never been in trouble for anything before, let alone for being racist. I asked her what he had said out of curiosity, and she said he was singing a song that goes
"You can't thank The Lord, you thank the whites." To a black child, and he told his parents and they are PISSED.
I knew that he got this song from the previous episode of family guy, so I feel as if i am to blame.
My 4th grade son has a detention and I a a horrible father.
EDIT: [here is a link to the song, for the curious.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sjDnfLOP8h8)
Purecheetodust: Well, family guy is really, really not for children. Especially those in elementary school.
PM_ME_A_BOOB_OR_2: Yeah, but it's not usually that bad.
[deleted]: Family Guy is definitely inappropriate for a 10 year old... what were you thinking?
Barflad: Who the hell is 10 years old in 4th grade?????
swimbr070: Nearly everyone in American public school is/was.
| 6 | 36.5 | |
1398842441 | 1398871251 | t3_24cmza | t5_2to41 | 46 | StoopidHornyBitch: TIFU by getting fisted in my college parking lot and other sexual mishaps.
This happened awhile back but fuck it it's still worth talking about.
So this was in the beginning of the Fall semester at my local college. My SO [18] and I [17 at the time] decided to go to my car to hang out for a bit during our break. That's how the initiations began; we started feeling a little frisky. It started off with a gentle fingering and somehow it processed to a harder... faster... stronger rhythm. I apologize in advance for such a dumb reference.
Here I am being fisted like never before. Feeling high as shit and satisfied with the sensation and it's interrupted by a *knock knock* on the right side passenger window.
Oh god all mighty I have never put on my pants so fast in my life. Security, the head deputy, and the student cadets were all there. From far away it looked like a drug bust but once you see a sweaty Mexican couple you know wassup. We get pat down, which was the least of my problems.
Now, this is when my **PARENTS** get involved in this mess. Here in California USA, our legal age of consent is 18. I was **2 months away from being 18.** And they still had to call my parents. Security calls my dad "Hello is this ____ father?? I'm sorry to inform you but we caught your daughter having sexual relations with this man". I was shitting bricks when he made that call. Then they gave me a lecture on how it's illegal and how my SO could be arrested and blah blah blah. On top of that load of embarrassing shit I needed to deal with, I was not a licensed driver. So.... my car was going to get towed, buuuut my car was parked, therefore they legally couldn't tow it - because I wasn't "driving" per se.
What's so bullshit about all this is I had PIV sex the day before and nothing happened... Why?..
In the end, my father didn't look at me in the eye for a week or so. My mother wasn't really too responsive, she was just neutral. I had to stop driving illegally since the LIC # was registered under the system. No charges were being pressed against anyone. We didn't get suspended or kicked out for the school. Ended up getting license right after turning 18.
I thought this was the end of the show but months later, these things happened:
* Got caught being sexy on Skype by father
* Didn't know that the Google Account synced all my searches on my phone, so a lot of sex shops, porn, vibrators, xxx, popped up on my dad's phone. He knew it was me.
* Mother found condoms receipt. It was slightly awkward.
TL;DR: Got caught having sexual relations with my SO at the time of being a minor. Legal troubles happened, got away. More sexual mishaps happened down the line. Shit.
L3ftyrocks89: Why would you keep a condom receipt? I mean, you can't really return it.
Voyager5555: Yeah, but when you sell them to people used they usually want the original proof of purchase.
| 3 | 15.333333 | |
1398861968 | 1398929458 | t3_24d2ql | t5_2to41 | 33 | [deleted]: TIFU by skipping a Storm of Swords part 2
I've been reading ASOIAF on my phone with the kindle app, and I didn't notice that A Storm of Swords was in two parts, so after buying and finishing part 1, I bought A Feast for Crows and read like half of it before realising. FUCK
DamnTomatoDamnit: That's not too bad. I've watched 3 seasons of Game of Thrones and never thought of reading the books until today. Now I want to start reading ASOIAF, but I think it's too late since the HBO seasons must have spoiled the books for me. So, start reading the books even though it's a bit late, or just forget about it and resume with Season 4 on HBO?
bcgrm: Honest answer, it's best to read all of them. Practical answer--it's going to be hard as shit to read the first two knowing what happens. Start with the third, finish up, and then once you're in love and obsessed go back and read the first two.
We haven't even come close to the end of crazy shit that happens in Book 3 in the show,.
Nanomight: I'm reading through the books and so far I'm nearly done with A Clash of Kings. Is season 4 of the show still only on book 3? Or is it a book per season?
[deleted]: Yeah they split book 3.
| 5 | 6.6 | |
1398872732 | 1398892986 | t3_24di24 | t5_2to41 | 45 | juniorv376: TIFU by Throwing up on a Midget.
This actually happened a bit ago, but I am newly subbed here. SO I figured why not share.
I visit some family in Naples, FL. Saturday night we decide a Night out on the town is in order. We decide on one of their popular night spots. We are cheap so we drink in the car first parked outside. We get inside pretty drunk.
It is me, my brother, and my cousin. We are having a good night. Drinking a bit. We see a midget and notice he is lively and apparently pretty popular that day. We think "cool" and continue finding people to dance with and to get turned down by.
Night progresses, we feel we need more drinks. We are wrong, but we don't care. We order a Blue Long Island. Our drunk minds think it is a good idea to chug them. We do. We are awesome! Suddenly, I am not so awesome. I warn them I am going to throw up. But I won't make it to the bathroom.
My cousin and my brother being the awesome wing men they are, they block the view while I yak into a bush. I stop after a hurl or 2. And decide I can now make it to the bathroom to finish the deed. SO I begin to rush towards the toilets.
While rushing, I feel the urge coming back, so I speed up leaving my brother and cousin behind. The club is zipping by in my view. The build up is too much. I am going to explode worst than I did on the tree. I look to my left and I make I contact with a gorgeous brunette, she looks into my eyes and notices that things are not ok. She has this look like "I am fucked", but I am a hero so no, I will not ruin her night. I look to my right, cost is clear. No one is standing next to me, time to let it out!
Like any sane person, I aim to the floor. But to my surprise the floor is not clear. There stands a man who barely reaches 4 ft tall. Under a shower of blue chunks. He never sees me. He just attempts to cover himself from the barrage of my insides.
I quickly aim away from the poor soul. And continue on my way out the club, however I am still projectile vomiting as I make my move. And I notice the same beautiful brunette, this time with a look of pure horror as she just witnessed this abomination.
I safely make it out side of the club and find a bathroom, finish my deed, and wash up. My brother and my cousin took a bit to find me outside. When I mentioned what happened they explained a bit from there end.
Their update:
They saw a trail of vomit. They made it to the bathroom in the club looking for me. Instead they found a midget who was washing himself of someone else's vomit. They asked him what happened. He replied "Some guys wasn't feeling well and threw up on me" in the humblest and most forgiving of ways.
Turns out I threw up on the nicest person ever.
TLDR; I went to a club in Naples, got really drunk. Had to throw uo and didn't notice the midget next to me. Threw up all over him. I am an asshole.
Voyager5555: You should have punched him in the face to make sure he didn't come back for revenge.
juniorv376: Lmao, that would be one killer punch to prevent a revenge of the midget episode from occurring.
Voyager5555: You can bet yous ass the brunette would have blown you right there.
| 4 | 11.25 | |
1398877439 | 1398887799 | t3_24dq5o | t5_2to41 | 30 | [deleted]: TIFU IcyHot and my tenders....
I just read "habanero dick" and it reminded me of something that happened about 10 years ago or so.
My brother, one of his friends and myself decided to attend a 48 hour paintball game held at Skirmish in Jim Thorpe, PA.
To make it extra special I decided to rent an RV for the weekend.
So we get down there, park, and walk a country mile to register to start playing then walk the country mile back to the RV. We've got a few hours and I'm tired from the drive so I climb into the upper bunk and promptly fall asleep.
I'm awoken a few hours later by the starting bell for the game. I scream to get my brother and his friend to wake up, we grab our shit and run to get into the game.
We play for a few hours and eventually decide to head back to our home-on-wheels to cook up some grub.
After cooking and cleaning I decide to sit down and have a beer before heading back for some night game action.
It was at this point that my inner thigh muscles finally decided to rebel in unison by cramping up worse than anything I have ever felt. I guess the sit-walk-sleep-run-sit cycle I put them through sans anything one could call a stretch pissed them off.
Suffice to say I can barely climb up into the RV to secure the IcyHot.
Suffice to say my brother, the little shit, was already wetting himself from laughing.
So there I am, stretching and rubbing IcyHot quite liberally over both of my thighs in a desperate to get the pain to stop. My muscles finally unclench and I wipe my hands off with a paper towel. Just a paper towel. No water. No soap.
In hindsight this was a mistake.
Having dealt with on bodily issue I am suddenly faced with another as the sense of bladder urgency arise. I've got to pee so I head into the head, grab my junk (I'm literally cradling my sac in my hand) when I start to feel a rather cooling sensation in my nethers. At no point prior to this, as I was heading to the bathroom did I even think of what hell IcyHot + my tenders would equal.
At first that cooling tingle is enjoyable. Almost arousing.
That lasted all of 5 seconds. Whereas the Icy sensation came on gradually the Hot sensation came on with all the subtlety of a supernova.
I run truly cannot articulate the pain and the primal scream of sheer agony I let out as I fled the bathroom.
My brother, curious as to why I was emitting bloodcurdling screams, opens the door to the RV. He find me on the floor, in the fetal position, shorts around my ankles and me clutching my junk while moaning like a wounded beast.
Devoid a single shred of compassion the little shit looks at me and says "Forgot to wash your hands?" I look at him through tear-filled eyes and emit a barely audible "uh huh...."
He closes the door and returns to the game.
I spent the next half hour on the floor.
Prepare_To_Be_Woo-ed: Any you thought that renting the RV would be the thing that made this a memorable trip.
[deleted]: Pfft....yeah....stupid me.
| 3 | 10 | |
1398875056 | 1398919563 | t3_24dm29 | t5_2to41 | 161 | whatisdelicious: TIFU "habanero dick"
So I throw this bachelor party for one of my old roommates and we all go to this awesome house by the beach. For dinner on the second night, we decide to grill some burgers. We hop in our golf carts and drive off to buy the juiciest meat we can as well as some toppings. I pick out habanero peppers, sealing my own fate.
We get back and we all start preparing the food. I cut up my habanero peppers and throw them on my burger to cook with the meat. Then I go to the bathroom to take a piss.
That's right.
I don't even think about it. I just whip my dick out of my swim trunks and stand there holding it and peeing. It's only about ten seconds before I start having the most excruciating pain and I fall to my knees, pissing all over the floor.
I swear, it was like Satan himself was trying to give me a handjob. I didn't have any cuts or anything on my dick, but good *fuck* did that not matter. It was the kind of pain that Ramsay Snow might inflict to get Theon to beg him to chop off his dick. It was awful.
So, my hands shaking from the pain, I clean up the piss (I know, I know) and wash my hands and go outside. I'm hunched over and my face is red and my buddies can immediately guess what happened.
"Habanero dick?"
All I can do is nod. They burst out laughing, those fuckers. No one has any helpful suggestions at all and it feels like my dick is on fire. Like actually burning. I know that milk is good for spicy stuff, so I check the fridge. Nothing. Just some fucking prune juice (we were staying at one of the guys' uncle's house who was out of town).
I'm not proud of it, but I took one of my friend's uncle's glasses and I filled it to the brim with prune juice, then I took it into the bathroom, set it on the toilet, and I dipped my dick and balls in it.
I dipped my dick and balls in a full glass of prune juice, and I tell you, it was the most unbelievably relieving feeling I have ever experienced. It was like getting a blowjob from God.
I came back out eventually with the glass of prune juice and everyone just laughed harder, ruining my plan to trick one of them into drinking it.
**tl;dr touched my dick after handling habanero peppers and had to submerge my dick and balls in prune juice to alleviate it**
rukuz: a handjob from Satan and a blowjob from God all in the same day?
OD_Emperor: Quite the rush.
| 3 | 53.666667 | |
1398883833 | 1398908694 | t3_24e19s | t5_2to41 | 26 | throwaway34896589438: TIFU by jizzing on a picture of Nic Cage
I was doing the usual: Watch some porn, wank a bit, and I needed something to cum on so it wouldn't get on the floor, so without thinking, I grabbed the nearest piece of paper I saw and threw it down, jizzing on it. As I picked it up to throw away, I looked in horror at the other side of the page to see [this](http://dorkshelf.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads//2012/04/Vampires-Kiss-Nicolas-Cage.jpg) image staring back at me, cum soaking through his face.
I was mortified, and will probably take a break from wanking it for a month. Or a year. Never again will I grab a piece of paper without looking at it.
Voyager5555: Dude, send it to him, how often do you think he gets a tribute like that?
zoomx19: lmfao
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1398887620 | 1398980085 | t3_24e7rh | t5_2to41 | 157 | [deleted]: TIFU by almost killing myself with some DIY "electricals".
So, I was doing some moving with my PC and needed to route some cables from my old office downstairs, upstairs. So to do so, I needed to drill a hole in the flooring upstairs. So I got to work.
I began to drill and the drill was snared in something, I assumed a knot in the wood flooring or something along those lines, and silly old me just switched the drill in reverse and jiggled it a little to get it out... This was a bad Idea. I was actually caught in some electrical work under the flooring and after my jiggles *Bang* Lights out, literally and metaphorically. I'm not sure on all the ampage, voltage, wattage etc, but I was shocked with a lot. It took out the fuses in my house (at this stage i'm unconscious btw) My friend who was downstairs at the time called an ambulance after he discovered me.
Fun fact, I was pronounced dead when the ambulance crew arrived (I am told by my friend) as my heart had completely stopped, but thanks to the paramedics and some CPR I was back, and all I remember is the drill - bang - lying on my floor with people hanging over me and an oxygen mask on. I know have first degree burns and am extremely luck to be alive according to the my doctor.
Motd ~ Don't fuck with electrics, or attempt DYI electrics.
drive2fast: It's amazing how many people respond different to electricity. Much has to do with how thick the pads are on your hands. I'm personally exceptionally resistant to electricity. 120V is just a little tingly and annoying. Nothing more. (I'm regularly balls deep in machinery electrical systems).
I was at a party and someone had a electricity stimulation device from the early 1900's. We all held hands in a big circle as he slowly turned up the juice. We watched as people dropped out, one by one. Some were absolute wrecks, twitching and wriggling, obviously in pain. I could barely feel anything. By the end it was just myself and one more kinkster friend. We ran the machine up to it's limit (Unknown voltage). It felt...kinda good actually. I could have gone on like that for quite some time. I really know better than to explore with electricity and sex. Some people like myself might like it a little too much. I've been hit by chevy HEI ignition, that's 50,000V. That's a nice whack followed by a nice little rush. A dangerous game when associated with pleasure.
ultraguardrail: I was working on a light once that was supposed to be off when I got shocked in my hand. I barely noticed it, it felt like it was buzzing.
[deleted]: It all depends on where the current goes. It has to have a spot it goes in (the light for you) AND a place where it goes out which for you was probably another part of your hand. The problems happen when your heart is on the path between entry and exit, say if it goes from one hand to another if your other hand is holding an earthed appliance or surface
drive2fast: FYI, Current going from one hand to another gets dangerous because the path is through your heart. When working on electrical, don't touch anything else electrical or metal (especially plumbing!) and wear shoes with high electrical resistance. Electrical rated work boots are best, but sneakers with high foam soles are decent insulators. Mostly...
Like a bird on a 70KV power wire, it's all about the path to ground. If you are standing on an insulator that goes a long way to saving your life.
dtfgator: Electrical engineer here. Standing on an insulator actually won't do that much, especially if what you're standing on is the ground, or something with good conductivity to the ground. The soles of your shoes, although insulators, still allow you to be capacitively coupled to the ground. Your body forms one plate of the capacitor and the earth the other, separated by your insulating shoes. Alternating currents have no problem penetrating capacitors (in fact, their purpose in many audio circuits is to block DC voltages and allow AC to pass through), and you'll still get shocked. You can increase the reactance of the circuit by increasing the size of the insulating layer (such as a wooden stepping stool) but you can never completely get rid of the effect.
TL;DR: Standing on an insulator won't save you unless it's big.
| 6 | 26.166667 | |
1398889359 | 1398927560 | t3_24eari | t5_2to41 | 16 | kylestephens54: TIFU by trusting my roomate.
So this actually happened last semester but I feel like it is definitely worth sharing.
I am an economics major in college but I had to take a writing intensive course last semester - so I decided to take Fiction Workshop. Each student in the class had to write their own short story and every week, two or three of us had our own story that was due. We would submit the story to the professor who would quickly look over it for grammatical errors and appropriateness and then send it out to everyone via email. I was super nervous because it was a 300 level class and I was the only non-English/Creative Writing major in the class save for two or three other students (a class of about 25 or so).
I finish up my story and at this point feel like the second-coming of George Steinbeck. I've always been a strong writer but my forte is definitely in non-fiction or analysis, not fiction. I am feeling *good*. I use open office (it's free) on my laptop so I asked my roommate if I could send the .odt file to him and he could open it and re-save it in .docx and in turn I could forward that to the Professor. Of course, he says. We're best friends, he says.
The next day I go to class with my chest out and my head high. I see my Professor and he immediately walks over to me. He is the kind of professor that is really cool with his students and makes fun of himself, so when I saw the look on his face I knew he had something funny he was about to say. Note: he was about to address me but, also, the class as well. I should have seen it coming.
"Kyle, I have something to ask you. Did you realize the file you sent me said "KylePenis.docx"?
The entire class burst out into riotous laughter while I sat in my seat, proverbial shit in my pants.
Good thing was he went on to tell me that he fixed it and he knew we were a laid-back class full of adults so he knew it'd be fine (similar things had happened before in this class). In the end, a lot of people actually really liked my story and said I should become a Creative Major! (Haha yeah right tho, I wanna make money).
Tl;Dr: I sent a file named "KylePenis.docx" to my professor who almost sent it to my entire class.
ggrove91: Can't you save the file as a word document? I swear OpenOffice allows that. Funny either way.
technophonix1: It totally does. You can save it as multiple versions of word all the way back to 95... if your still running that shit.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1398888075 | 1398958176 | t3_24e8k7 | t5_2to41 | 72 | sandiegojedi: TIFU by reheating fish at my office.
Now the whole office smells and my boss has a "big prospective client" coming in. He's not happy, my coworkers aren't the happiest, and i'm embarrassed as fuck.
Please let this day be over soon
cmon_now: I don't understand how someone wouldn't know that you just don't do this? Have you lost your sense of smell? Did you not realize the windows don't open? What the hell is wrong with you?
Fish, broccoli, colliflour, Filipino food...not happening
sandiegojedi: I just spaced. My GF made an amazing dinner and I thought, "this'll be a good lunch."
I popped it in the microwave and immediately regretted it.
I'm buying doughnuts for everyone tomorrow to apologize.
L3ftyrocks89: Do it Dexter style!
| 4 | 18 | |
1398896811 | 1398906815 | t3_24engg | t5_2to41 | 5 | Polarbearsss: TIFU by hurting my girlfriend.
I'm in highschool, and today I was hanging out with my girlfriend in my car. No, nothing sexual happened, we were seriously just hanging out.
She started tickling me, so I started tickling her back. One thing led to another and she hit her head on the window. She keeps on saying that it wasn't my fault, but it was. I can't help feeling bad about it.
Now, she feels a little nauseous and her vision's blurry. I feel horrible.
I know this isn't the worst thing to be on r/TIFU, but I still feel like an absolute dick for it. I just hope she's going to be OK.
tdogg8: Dude, it wasn't your fault. When I was a kid on the playground this bigger kid accidentally ran into me and I fell backwards on to a blacktop and got the same symptoms (the back of your head is where the vision center is in case you weren't aware) and was fine. If she hasn't already she should go to the hospital though as you don't fuck around with head injuries but if it was just a tickle fight I doubt it was serious.
Polarbearsss: Yeah we get into tickle fights often... This is the first time someone got hurt and I'm not doing it in the car again.
Thanks again for reassuring me that she'll likely be ok.
tdogg8: Again, I would make sure she sees a doctor to be certain, but don't worry too much.
Polarbearsss: Oh she will. Her fathers a doctor and she will also likely go to the hospital just in case. Thanks again for responding.
| 5 | 1 | |
1398901702 | 1399057908 | t3_24ev48 | t5_2to41 | 22 | HotPie_: TIFU by trapping someone in the bathroom.
A few weeks ago the janitor at my workplace found a loaded handgun hidden in the trash can in the bathroom. I work in a plasma donation center in a pretty shitty neighborhood, so sketchy people are pretty common. This really scared my boss, so she decided that we need to vamp up security by hiring off-duty cops. Their presence has the donor's on their best behavior, but hasn't really affected our staff's laid back nature. We work hard but we also have fun. We are constantly pranking each other and joking around.
Well, today I was working in the lab when I saw a co-worker of mine getting ready to leave. He walked to our office to clock out and decided it's been a while since I've messed with him. He came back through my area and I heard him go into the bathroom. I ran around the corner and decided it would be hilarious to pull on the door handle as he tried to get out. I waited by the door and as soon as I heard the toilet flush, I pulled with all my strength. I felt him pull for a second and let go when it wouldn't open. He tried again and nothing. I was trying my hardest not to laugh out loud when I heard him say "what the fuck" as he tried to pull it open once more. I heard him a let out loud sigh and I took that chance to run back into the lab. I heard the door swing open just as I turned the corner, hopefully out of sight.
I tried to compose myself and pretend I as working, but the shit eating grin on my face was a dead giveaway. I heard his footsteps as he approached the window by my workstation. I knew the second he looked into the lab I would bust out laughing. I didn't laugh though. The second the cop came into view I felt my heart go into my throat. He looked me in the eyes as he walked by. He didn't say anything. I didn't say anything. But he knows.
wezelx: Where is the fuck up? Seems to be a successful prank.
My-Account-For-Trees: The cop was in the bathroom not his buddy.
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1398902798 | 1398913599 | t3_24ewqp | t5_2to41 | 12 | Virginiamudbrick: Tifu by mistaking the new guy at work for the supervisor.
So we have a new guy at my job. He is pretty cool, and we mess with each other all day. Our supervisor is an older, really awkward stuffy type guy. Nice as can be but very formal.
I walk into the bathroom to a horrid stench and see what i believe to be the rookie's boots under the stall.
I loudly exclaimed how the restroom smelled of a hot foot forrest and fudge puddles.
Instead of the soft lisp of the new guy i heard a very uptight nervous laugh followed by " i suppose it does smell a bit". Oops!
I laughed a bit and left quickly, luckily he isnt upset.
Virginiamudbrick: Yeah sure whatever.
pachecolljk: TYFU by using the wrong title.
| 3 | 4 | |
1398886604 | 1398979937 | t3_24e61u | t5_2to41 | 23 | MissSuzyQ: TIFU by tripping the alarm at a job I've had less than a month.
Yesterday, I was working my second solo closing shift. Before Saturday, I was in training and was always closing with someone else, meaning I had help with getting all the closing stuff done.
Our inventory tracking for our back stock was in dire need of updating, so in-between checking in customers, cleaning beds (it's a tanning salon), and folding laundry, doing inventory took FOREVER.
While I thought I had plenty of time after closing (11 PM) to finish the rest of my duties, I was wrong. What my managers and coworkers never told me is that the alarm automatically arms at midnight.
As I'm gathering the trash to take out to the dumpster when I leave and replacing bags, the alarm starts going off. I don't know the code to our alarm system. I can't find the number to call the alarm company. My ASM is (I assumed) asleep and my GM was screening my calls because she didn't have my cell number saved. My local 911 couldn't help me because the alarm company would have to send the alert to them.
Finally the alarm company calls the store after the alarm has been blaring for like 10 minutes. While on the phone with them, my GM texts me and proceeds to tell me it's all good, that it happens, but then drops the bomb that the alarm company has her OLD number, meaning they called my district manager instead.
I'm now pretty sure that a woman I've never met hates me and thinks I'm incompetent. There goes any chances of me getting a GM position with this company.
dragonfyre4269: Let me tell you the story of a man who fucked up on his 3rd day on the job. He worked for a private security company, his first night went fine a supervisor went around with him, showed him how everything is done and all went smoothly. The second night he went around with the supervisor supervising to make sure he knew how everything worked, he did fine. Third night rolls around he's all on his own. He gets to one of the buildings, he's supposed to lock his gun in the trunk of the car for this one, but he feels its unnecessary so he just leaves the gun in the car and locks it up. He completes his patrol, goes back out to the car and at some point between picking up the gun and putting it back in his holster he shoots out the windshield. And this was the good patrol car.
ganduri: And? Did u get fired ?
dragonfyre4269: Wasn't me and no he didn't, only because they were horribly short staffed, but he wasn't allowed to carry his gun anymore which resulted in him being unable to do any of the shifts except one that sucks. He quit a month later.
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1398908902 | 1398914932 | t3_24f613 | t5_2to41 | 80 | TheAlbinoBurrito1: TIFU by letting a girl in my class use my flash drive
Today in my second hour class I was working on a presentation with a girl in my group. I haven't known her for very long so we don't really talk all that much just small things like "hello" and "what are we doing?". Anyways while we were working on the project we decide to put a video in the presentation that I had on my flash drive. Instead of just plugging the flash drive into my own computer I plug it into her's and tell her to open to view files. This is where the fuck up starts.... She clicks the Import Images and Video option and suddenly all the porn I have saved to the drive starts to show up on the school computer. I start to panic and yell "Hit cancel, hit cancel!!" which of course she doesn't. So now I am sitting there watching thousands of pictures being loaded onto this computer, with her sitting there looking at me like I am the biggest perv on the planet. In the end I just pulled the drive out of the USB port and hoped it didn't corrupt the files.
TL;DR Let a girl use my flash drive and accidentally uploaded about 2 GB's of porn onto a school computer, panicked, pulled the drive out of the computer and probably corrupted the files on the drive.
[deleted]: Oh my God!!! Did the project end well?
TheAlbinoBurrito1: Sadly after that we just sorta stopped talking for the rest of the hour (20 minutes or so) and now I am finishing the project at home
| 3 | 26.666667 | |
1398908930 | 1398912556 | t3_24f62o | t5_2to41 | 8 | 4THOT: TIFU by cheating
So in my Stats class a while ago we had a practice test for the AP exam, no big deal. There was a sub there and I thought "Oh great I'll just look up the formula on my phone for a few problems".
Teacher comes back next class and says "Looks like 4THOT got the best grade in the class"... FUCK! I EVEN LEFT AN ENTIRE QUESTION BLANK! GOD DAMNIT! Now I'm okay at Stats but nowhere NEAR best in class, and my friend gives me the *you motherfucking cheater*. And everyone KNOWS I didn't legitimately earn the score (teacher is woefully optimistic, seeing as I'm normally quiet in class) but I would have probably would have only gotten 3 questions right if I didn't look anything up.
The game plan now is to learn Stats by next practice multiple choice and ace it.
Edit: Got 100% of the test, not manning up
WPBDoc: The biggest lesson you could teach yourself and those who know you cheated would be to man up, confess to the teacher and ask to re-take the test for a true score. If the teacher refuses, you will still have the kind of respect that acting with honesty and integrity purchases for those who live by it. If the teacher accepts, you will be able to demonstrate that you've not only learned your lesson, but Stats.
FTR, the single-most difficult class I took when completing my doctorate was Statistics. It is a gruesome class for the mathematically challenged and if I ever wanted to cheat in a class, it was definitely Stats. Somehow, I managed to pass it. You can too!
meltingintoice: Correct. This is only a FU if you don't admit to the teacher what happened. By the way, there is a good chance the teacher already knows (or will know) and is right now giving you a window of opportunity to come clean.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1398911090 | 1399007053 | t3_24f99z | t5_2to41 | 59 | reallifebadass: TIFU by not believing my friend.
Sunday night a large tornado destroyed much of my county. One of my friends, who i will call Ted, is a volunteer fireman that got called out to assist one of the town's fire department. After missing school Monday Ted told his story about that faithful night at our lunch table, including how there were people walking around with large avulsion (flaps of skin hanging off) on their face and seeing his first dead guy that was burned to a crisp. Ted has been known to expand on the truth a little in his stories. So to fact check i asked my dad who is a state trooper, about some of the stuff that happened that night, and he said that to his knowledge no one burned to death in that town. Today at lunch i told him off about how padding his story to say he saw a dead guy was not right, and down right douchey among other things. Then he said "alright if you dont believe me, look up the newspaper's website and see if there was a 'John Doe' that died on 'abc' road." So i did, and he was right. I felt horrible. He just went through one of the most traumatic experiences in his life, and i didnt believe him. He didnt talk to me for the rest of the day, and still hasnt. i texted my apology, but he hasnt responded yet. I dont blame him, he has every right to be pissed at me.
pachecolljk: Give him a little gift of some kind. I find that when you FU like this, giving the person something that they find useful or they like works. Maybe a giftcard to McDonalds because who doesn't love McDonalds.
If you over do it, it just seems like you are throwing money at the problem.
SwoopDaddy69: Fuck McDonalds
Detached09: Yeah. At least get Jack in the Box.
Splashonda: Big Kahuna!
SwoopDaddy69: That's that Hawaiian burger joint. I hear they got some tasty burgers
pachecolljk: I ain't never had one myself. How are they? Mind if I try one of yours? This is yours here, right?
| 7 | 8.428571 | |
1398911491 | 1398960500 | t3_24f9w9 | t5_2to41 | 35 | l2ound: TIFU By Paying for 6 month gurantee on Match.com
Broke with GF about 3 weeks ago. Feeling sad pants and wanted to move on. Start Match.com account, saw pretty ladies, wanted to holler at pretty ladies but you have to pay to play.
So I paid. Now I feel like a jackass paying to send an email. And pretty ladies no reply back. Should of just went to the titty bars and drink like a normal bro.
6 month of Match.com = $110 bucks, you pay it all upfront : /
Metal_Badger: You can pay for a guarantee, but guarantees are just words.
l2ound: Marketing!
| 3 | 11.666667 | |
1398911004 | 1398991334 | t3_24f95f | t5_2to41 | 33 | Ciael: TIFUpdate by hitting a girl with a discus
Original thread [here] (http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/248gwv/tifu_by_hitting_a_girl_with_a_discus/)
So today I asked the girl how she felt the day after, and if the coach wanting to talk with here mom was about the incident.
It ended up all being better than it could of. The coach simply told her mom that she had a bit of an incident and it wouldn't happen again. Her mom, who actually was extremly overprotective sent multiple emails to the coach/school about safety procedures and making sure there was no more danger because she could have been tying her shoe, etc.
Luckily, like some other crazy moms at my school she didn't try and get me expelled or punished for what was, simply an accident due to both parties.
[deleted]: Good news for you! Last season, at a large meet, one of the female discus competitors was leaning against one of the poles with her hand braceing said pole, and had her fingers smashed by a thrown disc. Blood splattered everywhere and got onto one of our school's competitor's jersey. It looked like it hurt.
Ciael: Yeah, thats sounds alot worse than what i originally did, if it hit her fingers hard enough to cause a blood splatter she's gonna have some broken/severed bones and tendons to deal with.
__a_lot_bot__: It's 'a lot' not '[alot](http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/04/alot-is-better-than-you-at-everything.html),' ya dingus!
Ciael: You most post that kind of thing alot
__a_lot_bot__: It's 'a lot' not '[alot](http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/04/alot-is-better-than-you-at-everything.html),' ya dingus!
Ciael: hm, i bet you do alot of work every day
__a_lot_bot__: It's 'a lot' not '[alot](http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/04/alot-is-better-than-you-at-everything.html),' ya dingus!
Ciael: Do you get around alot?
| 9 | 3.666667 | |
1398899691 | 1398970374 | t3_24es0x | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by charging my phone on a date.
I had always hoped that I would never have to submit to this subreddit, but here I am with a TIFU worthy story.
Tonight, I got to take an absolutely amazingly beautiful girl on a date. It was going really well, we hit it off almost instantly, and we got on really, really well. She had a few drinks, then we moved on to another place, and she had a few more. She was cuddling up to me, and we were really doing well.
She decided that she'd like to stop off for a KFC on the way back to her place (I hadn't been drinking anything alcoholic) - so I drove her to the KFC and she got food. We were sat in the car, while we ate, watching hilarious youtube videos ([Namely this one](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbY5J4HBPG8) ) which made me like her more, because who doesn't like a chick who loves funny youtube stuff?
This was all going really well until my car battery died. Entirely ran out of juice. While I'm frantically trying to turn my engine over, she's laughing her ass off.
I had to call my dad, and my friend for help. Luckily, my friend (who is a redditor and will see this and probably laugh his ass off too) was able to come and help me bump start my car.
On the drive home, my date says "Maybe next time you should get a taxi, then you can drink and not have to worry about shit like this".
fifthpilgrim: Why is the title about charging your phone?
Glyconique: Ahh yeah, because I was charging my phone through my car at the same time. Forgot to mention that.
udit_kumar: umm pretty sure charging your phone does not drain your cars battery!
Glyconique: Well where is it going to get the power from? If the usb adaptor is on the car radio, and the car radio is powered by the car battery, where does the power come from?
udit_kumar: It cant run down so fast , a phone charger just uses 700mA to charge! which is almost nothing! :) Should get your battery checked!
Glyconique: Aha, it's just a little 12v battery. It was probably pretty low to begin with. Took a fair while to recharge it totally earlier with a flood charger.
udit_kumar: yup! should replace it soon!
Also >
https://in.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100820000727AAWfOf7
| 8 | 2.25 | |
1398918295 | 1398968860 | t3_24fjhb | t5_2to41 | 208 | Stubbula: TIFU by getting drunk and meeting strangers
This was a little while back, but it deserves to be seen here. This is going to be really long, but I promise it is worth it.
I was living in Indianapolis and my then girlfriend who I moved there for broke up with me. I was particularly lonely since I didn't have any real friends there nor any family so I spent a lot of my free time drinking. I've dabbled with various drugs here and there in my years, but no full on using of anything outside of booze and pot.
One night in particular I'm noticing its getting close to midnight and the closest store closes then. Well, I already had some to drink and didn't want to drive too far so I made my way there. Unfortunately the store was already closed when I got there and I really didn't want to drive any farther out for booze. As I was getting back in my truck I saw a relatively good looking girl and two dudes around my age walking down the road. She sees me and yells out for a ride. I was lonely and had a solid buzz going so I said "This is a good idea!" The guys hop in the bed of my truck and the girl sits up front with me. She tells me where they need a ride to and a little ways there I blurt out, "Can you get me some coke?" She says yes so we stop by some shitty hotel and they all go inside while I wait.
Everyone gets back in and it's apparent that not only did they get my drugs, but they got some as well and I invite them back to my place to do drugs because it's actual human company! On the way back she asks to stop at some corner store so she can pick up baking soda or something. She ends up seeing this dude who she knows who apparently recently got out of prison and it's his birthday. He seems super friendly so I go ahead and say yes to that to. Big drug party with strangers at my place! Wooo!
Fast forward to getting back to my place and I start doing coke, the dude and her start smoking crack and those other two dudes go in my bathroom to shoot up apparently because I found the syringes the next day. Well, the two dudes want to leave and I'm high and drunk so I do not feel like driving so what does my dumbass do? I tell her to take them home and to come back while I stay with the dude we picked up from the store. Lo and behold this girl actually comes back with no harm done to my truck. Awesome. Although now it's just the three of us and things start to get a little weird.
I was pretty broke for the most part so my futon was also my bed in the living room. This dude sits down on it, pulls out his dick, and starts to slowly stroke his cock while talking to the girl. She is just sitting next to him hitting the crack pipe and he's telling her he needs birthday head and what not. I sit down beside her and try to convince her to do it so I can get some too because why not. Did I mention I hit the crack pipe too? I had been drinking, snorted coke, and smoked crack and I was trying to sit there and side with a man slowly jacking off on my bed. Nothing comes of it so whatever. It's about 3am at this time and we are running out of drugs and they ask me to go take them to get more, but I tell them to just take my truck because they are trustworthy people high on crack! Oh, and I gave them my debit card and pin number too so they could get me some more.
Fast forward to 6am. She isn't answering her phone and they are not back yet. I'm laying there straight wide ass awake worrying like crazy what the fuck I am going to do. I'm still decently high so I don't feel like calling the cops and these people know where I live so what if they get pissed I'm some snitch and try to kill me or something?? They finally get back with some shitty excuse of nothing, but I didn't care at the time. The guy kept saying I needed to pay him $60 because the drug dealers needed it for something or another so I pulled it $20 on the way to take them where they needed to go just to get this mother fucker away from me for good. I knew he was scamming me for drug money, but I was done with it all.
I got rid of them, checked my bank account when I got back and they took way more than I ever anticipated while high. They broke my truck's CD player and stole some random shit out of it. I decided to call into work that day.
She was banging on my door a month later at 2am to come in. I didn't answer the door.
**TL;DR:** Just read the damn thing. I make a lot of bad decisions and I side with a guy slowly jerking off on my bed. I end up hating him.
cantthinkofaname: What the actual fuck? I sincerely hope you are joking, as I cannot believe that anyone could be quite this stupid.
Stubbula: Depression, being lonely, and being a full blown alcoholic at the time didn't help my drug fueled decisions.
Unicornpants: Dude, everyone makes dumb decisions when drunk/high. Don't pay attention to that stuck up cunt.
cantthinkofaname: The mistake was made when he decided to get high with complete strangers at home.
Unicornpants: In of itself it doesn't seem too stupid. Not unrealistic to think that could be okay.
cantthinkofaname: You might want to have a look at your own life if you think that it fine to do cocaine with random people, after inviting them into your home. There are very very few ways for that to turn out well.
Unicornpants: You don't need a lot of ways for it to turn out well for the chances to change.
| 8 | 26 | |
1398921330 | 1398975477 | t3_24fn6f | t5_2to41 | 108 | Red0817: TIFU - by Playing Nintendo
So, yeah, this is an old story.
I was in my early years, 7-10 years old, playing nintendo. My parents were gone for the evening and I got to play nintendo, while my older brothers did whatever.
I was playing the Legend of Zelda when I decided I really wanted to play some Super Mario Bros. Now, mind you, being a youngster, I didn't keep my games in any sort of order, they kinda laid around on the ground. So, I while scooting around on the shag carpeting, I somehow managed to get a sewing needle jammed in my knee. Now this was not a small needle, this mother fucker was the needle from hell. It must have been at least 3 inches (7.6cm) long.
it had the attributes of an assassin. It didn't bleed, it just hurt. I tried to pull this little bastard from my wound. It was stuck in my knee. Muting my pain, because as the youngest of brothers, I could show no fear, I pulled on it like the sword of the fabled King Arthur. And it fucking broke. There was no blood. There was no mark. There was just a piece of needle in my hand, a minor piece of stainless steel. I then attempted to bend my leg straight. I screamed in agony. My siblings, long not giving a shit about the little me, thought I was just screwing around.
Somehow, I managed to get my ass in bed. The top level of a bunk bed, and I fell asleep, with my leg writhing in pain. I woke up the next morning, and plead my story with my mother to take me to the doctor. Mind you, I hated going to school anyhow, so she took this as a plight to avoid yet another day. She forced me to hobble my body into school. A few days later, the pain was gone, and I wondered if it had even happened. But this is not the end of the story.
20 years later, I got into a car accident. I was very conveniently t-boned by a lovely young lady going through a red light (driving a PT Cruiser, lol). Well, after my knee got slammed into the dash, I felt it would be prudent, due to the excruciating pain, that I should get an xray, at least.
The Xray tech took some pics, and then asked me the oddest question. "Have you ever had knee surgery?", to which my response was, "huh?" She started walking away after muttering about taking more xrays. It then hit me. I still had that fucking Hellraiser amputation in my knee. I stopped her and explained that vague story from my childhood. But that is not where it ends either.
A few years later, I was having constant knee pain. I got an ortho surgeon to look at my knee, yes, I'm fucking old. He decided it was time to take this shrapnel out of my knee. Should be a quick operation. It was floating my my 'fat pad', with a bit connected to my tibia. Should be an hour or so operation. Cool. 4 fucking hours later. I had a piece of it removed, with about %20 still left.
So, yeah, fuck needles. Fuck playing nintendo on shag carpeting.
Pics for proof. [in knee](http://i.imgur.com/x5kkF5d.png), [out of knee](http://i.imgur.com/Uo469Mi.jpg)
esearcher: Guess you get to kick off the airing of grievances at the next Festivus?
Red0817: lol, I'm aged enough to know the reference.
+/u/dogetipbot 98 doge
esearcher: Thanks so much for the doge! It's my first, EVER. You rock.
Red0817: really???? wtf??? let me fix that then, here's your second. +/u/dogetipbot 98 doge !
esearcher: You super, major rock! Thanks so much. Now I have to learn all about this. 8 years on reddit, but you'd never know it, right? Thanks again!
Red0817: some links for you then:
/r/dogetipbot
/r/dogecoin
[current USD value of doge](http://doge.yottabyte.nu/)
That_Deaf_Guy: Hey man, I don't understand the whole doge tip thing, can you explain please? The links were slightly helpful but I'm still confused.
Red0817: Dogecoin is an online currency, much like amazon coins, or google play credits, nintendo points, etc. There are same major differences, but that's the easy way to explain it. You can buy Dogecoin, just like any of those. Converting dogecoin into USD is currently kinda difficult, kinda like you can't convert amazon coins, nintendo points, etc. HOWEVER, unlike those things, you CAN convert it to USD with a little research, and patience.
That all being said, the dogetipbot is a way to 'tip' people on the internet (twitter, reddit, and soon facebook) for things you think deserve tips. It's kinda like giving spare change to someone for playing an instrument on the street. Only the instrument is their comment, and the street is the internet.
There is a video that may help you understand better: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_KVZmS_UO5I
That_Deaf_Guy: Appreciate it, that helps!
| 10 | 10.8 | |
1398930350 | 1398983552 | t3_24fvbq | t5_2to41 | 297 | Raunchey: TIFU by being obsessed with jellybeans (and not being able to identify ticks)
A little background information: I live in a vaguely wooded area and I have a Golden Retriever that spends half her time outdoors.
So one day, la di da, I'm just chilling around my house, kind of hungry, and I decide to go up to my room because, I dunno, that's what teenagers do.
Halfway up the stairs I come across a jellybean! Wow, how convenient, I was feeling sort of hungry! Thanks, for lookin' out for me, God.
Disregarding the fact that this jellybean is on the ground, it's randomly on the stairs even though we make it a habit to never eat upstairs, and it's not even my favorite flavor (which would be Very Cherry) I plop it in my mouth.
*crunch*
Immediately I spit it out and there's blood everywhere. My first instinct was that maybe my tooth came out because it was a bad bean?? It was kind of hard... I keep spitting and I decide to look at the blasted bean and see little tiny legs on one half of it. And that the blood is coming *from* the bitter bean.
So, since I'm really good at tough situations I run to the bathroom (top of the stairs) and start crying and puking and crying some more. Soap kills germs, right? I swish around some hand soap after I use half a bottle of mouthwash.
Also, being a bit of a hypochondriac, I look up "bug that looks like jelly bean" see that it's a tick that probably came from the dog (fuck you, Ruby. And you try to run away when we give you tick medicine) and spend the next hour looking up ticks and the various ways they can probably kill you.
[Here's what it looked like. I swear, it looked more edible from far away.](http://somethingscrawlinginmyhair.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/Engorged.deer_.tick_.side_.jpg)
Also, this happened a while ago, and I'm not dead or sick, so rest assured. But I'm terrified of ticks.
randylaheyjr: I understand why you might think that's a jelly been but I can't understand why you would pick it up off the floor and instantly put it in your mouth. Check that dirty bean man!
sexygingergod: You know why? Because he's a teenager, and we do stupid shit without thinking. Source: Am teenager and do stupid shit without thinking.
Leg_Mcmuffin: Or because the story is not true.
sexygingergod: Now where is *your* proof of this?
Leg_Mcmuffin: You're right. I'm assuming OP has common sense and a bigger brain than a cockerspaniel. Muh bad.
sexygingergod: OP is a teenager, as I said, we act like idiots a lot of the time, and think with something other than our minds, like our stomachs or our dicks.
Leg_Mcmuffin: DUDE. WHO EATS GREY FLOOR-JELLY BEANS?
sexygingergod: DUDE. FUCKING TEENAGERS.
| 9 | 33 | |
1398927186 | 1399002939 | t3_24fsti | t5_2to41 | 401 | Mardkayin: TIFU (2 Years Ago): In a search for a board game, my friends found my 18 inch black dildo.
So, a little bit of background before we start. On my 18th birthday, I had gotten my very first debit card. Hoorah hooray,so what's the first thing a fully grown man is going to buy? Well, why not some adult toys? So, I pop up Amazon, and lo and behold, I find a black double-headed, 18-inch dildo. This badboy was only 20 bucks, so I order it and wait.
Before I continue, I should probably specify that I am a man.
So, when I got this, I decided to leave it in the 3-foot shipping box, opened, and under my bed.
Fast-forward to a about a month later, and my two friends, Curly and Larry, are over for the weekend. We decide that we want to play monopoly, because we hate ourselves and each other, but I couldn't find it with the other games. So, naturally, we begin looking around for the game.
I step out of my room for a moment, and I try to look in the living room. About 5 minutes pass, and I this point I remember Thor the Mighty. Then, I hear Curly say they should check under the bed.
I don't know if people can go faster than the speed of light, but I pretty much gave it a try when going back to my room. When I arrived back into my room, they were deathly silent.
I know they have seen it, but no one spoke a word of it to each other.
I then went on to kick their respective asses at Monopoly. The end.
**Tl;dr:** Put away your toys.
Hell_Facts: At this point, you just got to own that shit.
[Why you don't mess with hatchet harry](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=naGOZoHxA-I)
Peaceblaster86: Excellent movie
SkyReach22: What movie is it?
Peaceblaster86: "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels".
http://m.imdb.com/title/tt0120735/
Highly recommended.
SkyReach22: Awesome, thanks!
brown_felt_hat: And if you liked that, you'll also like [Snatch](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lUloT3Dh3-E). Make sure you turn on subtitles for the pikeys
Crabcaked: Dya like dags?
brown_felt_hat: Whydafuckiwannacaravanwitnofuckinwheels?
| 9 | 44.555556 | |
1398936747 | 1399734398 | t3_24fzil | t5_2to41 | 1,205 | SaubererBoyTV: TIFU by slapping a girl
So this happened last year but it still bothers me.
There was this girl at my school who was one year younger than me. But almost every weekend she was at the same parties as me and my friends. I never really talked to her and we only knew each other via facebook. One day she came over to me and just slapped me in the face. For no reason - i still am puzzled why she did that.
I was pretty pissed and started to hate her. Few weeks later she takes my drink pours it out and fills my glass with her shit. When i confronted her she acted like she didnt know what i was talking about and slapped me again.
Things like that happened 2-3 more times. I always just confronted her and didnt slap her back because i always was the guy who said "i would never beat a woman".
Then there was a huge party in my hometown. EVERYONE was there. Even the police. I walked over to a friend of mine when suddenly i got a slap in my face from the side. I acted out of reflex. I turned around and slapped that person with full force on the face. It was her. She broke down and started crying. I swear i didnt even knew before that who had slapped me that moment.
In that moment 10 guys who witnessed this came at me and were like "you beat a girl, i beat you". My friends protected me against these guys. But i was totally shocked and started crying: a 19 year old boy. I was totally horrified and this one slap changed a lot. My parents were completely disappointed and still are. My gf broke up with me. And there where these rumors going around (smalltown) that i already beated other girls to a pulp. Even my teachers confronted me. The only ones who were with me in that were my bros.
Now i cant be in the same room with that girl without getting sad.
I am still wondering if i was wrong or right. Nobody believes me when i said i didnt knew it was her when i slapped her, because my hatred for her was known.
Sorry for my english. I am from germany.
Tulabean: No, I don't think you were wrong. The rule isn't "never hit a girl"; rather it is "never hit" - and it should apply to everyone. Physical violence shows a lack of self-control. Having said that, your reaction to being hit was understandable, even foreseeable.
This girl showed an *incredible* lack of self-control by physically assaulting you, repeatedly, without provocation. Your reaction, while not the best, did not deserve the recrimination of your peers, family or self. I hope you can look at this period in your life in a new light, forgive yourself, and move forward with purpose and happiness.
Edit: for clarity
spikeminor: why the fuck would he forgive himself for defending himself. are you a fking retard? that's the worst advice. You can't drive someone into a corner and then don't expect them to lash out. What shitty advice.
Tulabean: Sigh. Go back and read his post. He feels terrible. He talks about the recrimination of others, and the belief that hitting women is wrong. While he has no reason to feel guilt for his actions, society and his upbringing dictates that he will. Because of that, he will need to come to terms with this disconnect (reality vs. the expectation) and let go of his guilt. Get it, you fking retard?
spikeminor: Oh I see it now but my point is when you know you did nothing wrong you shouldn't have to blame yourself for what other thinks or expects from you. He can tell society's double standards to fuck off. Girls have it easy these days and some girls will take advantage of it to the max.
Tulabean: Whoa whoa whoa; while I appreciate your passion, I think you would be better served in doing some research prior to making bald statements like this. Women in this nation have it *easier* than previous generations, and undeniably it is easier for women in the US than many other nations, but make NO mistake, men are still leading when it comes to every measurable criteria of "easy".
spikeminor: Oh yeah? Read the post above for fine example of men leading ahead.
Woman slaps man = He deserves it! Man up you pussy!
Man slaps woman= How dare you! You can't hit a girl! Woman hitter! *cue the marathon of hundreds of white knights.
Women are earning more degree than men in college percentage wise.
Come on!
please give me examples of how men are leading in every measurable criteria of "easy". That's a joke.
Tulabean: that's one example. One! Jesus! How can you stand the injustice! As far as women earning more degrees than men, that is a very recent occurrence. Up until the 20th century, most US colleges wouldn't allow women to attend. Those colleges that would were specifically designed for women, offering extremely limited curriculum. Women weren't encouraged to pursue education until the mid-20th century...and this probably wouldn't have happened had not women been finally given the right to vote in their own self-interest in 1913. In the 1970's, women had to demand the right to work in the same fields as men, and we still are not fully vested in many industries. It will take a LONG time for women to catch up to the ADVANTAGES that men have due to their access to education, income, property and self-governance. If you don't understand that, then you don't understand how privilege works.
spikeminor: Oh wow, dwell on the past rather than the present. (This is the past )
This is not some evolutionary theory where woman are not evolved and now a lower species.
In this present time, woman have higher graduation rate than man, doesn't that tell you woman are doing better in college TODAY!
Woman are not fully vested in many industries, because it is their choice(sounds appalling but it is so true).
Women are not a country or society which hasn't progressed due to lack of education, income, and self governance. Woman born today are much better of than men born today and society provides all the double standards possible catered to woman's needs.
Woman has all equal opportunities as men today, in developed countries. (The really disadvantaged are the ones in third world countries, or one with oppressive religions)
Tulabean: Bullshit bullshit and more bullshit. If you read my comment - and cared to put even an IOTA of research into the subject yourself, you'd understand that due to the lack of access to all of those things, women are still trying to catch up to men. To say that women aren't fully vested in industries is because they chose not to be is ridiculous - we haven't even been allowed access to these industries for half a century!
Even today women aren't allowed entry to certain clubs and organizations. We have to create our own versions of these in order to participate in sports, etc. Now you really want me to believe you??? Tell me how you are correct. Give me facts. Saying that women are getting more degrees is minuscule compared to the privilege that men still have. While women are beginning to compete, it is paltry compared to the advantages men have. Give me CONCRETE, verifiable examples or stop whining in my lawn.
spikeminor: You asked for it :). In a sexually dimorphic species equal opportunities doesn't necessarily lead to equal outcome. Woman are allowed to go to all industries but they will choose not to, because they are women. Even
MEN TODAY AREN't allowed to join certain groups of clubs made by woman . (See that, that's your fallacy)
One word :BIOLOGY
YES you have to create your own version of sport because MEN ARE GENERALLY PHYSICALLY SUPERIOR than women. In an all equal field women will always lose, and feminists will cry about how they can't keep up to the par. WOMEN always demand to get into male organizaiton or it's sexist. Why can't male go join women's organization isn't that sexist.
It's good, women make their own things, because that's how everything was made. Heard of the "feminist biology" apparently biology was to sexist towards women and now there is that. I commend them for making their programme but it is of utter shit.
Here is a PROPER FEMINIST talking about this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tva6ZsQv7_M
BS Gender Income Gap myth debunked-(If all firms were profit maximizing and hiring women costs lesser, all firms would hire women and men would have no jobs. BOOOM! economics. Therefore this is economically illogical.)
http://www.cbsnews.com/news/the-gender-pay-gap-is-a-complete-myth/
Documentary on Why Scandinavians Cut all funds to gender study institutes:
Explains why woman are not equally distributed in all fields (in your words why woman aren't allowed to join, compete)
http://vimeo.com/19707588
Part 2: http://vimeo.com/19893826
There is mor,e lazy to link it. Find it.
College statistics
http://cnsnews.com/news/article/25-fewer-men-women-graduate-college-obama-its-great-accomplishment-america
Next time you give stuff bs please give me stuff in present and PROPER FACTS
Tulabean: What? You totally misquoted me. And you can't spell. The gender income gap - which I never brought up - is an actuality. AND ALL the research done on it can't account for about 40% of what causes the income gap. You need to actually, fully read and digest the studies and information you use as your argument. I most certainly am presenting proper facts - you on the other hand are cherry picking specific and predominately qualitative information rather than looking at the full picture. Until you can learn to spell and read and actually do some research - in addition to giving me an actual concrete example of where men are disadvantaged, don't bother talking to me. Repeating over and over the fact that women are currently (AND MORE TO THE POINT ONLY VERY RECENTLY) getting more degrees only makes your argument against you - it's something men are not pursuing. They have, however, always had the option to do so....unlike women :)
spikeminor: >" I most certainly am presenting proper facts"
Wow.Not one proper sources or link. "OMG I JUST KNOW"
Please provide me with facts instead of accusing me of not providing with one? I won't argue with pigeons.
>"What? You totally misquoted me. And you can't spell.""You need to actually, fully read and digest the studies and information you use as your argument."
My spelling is vawy shizz. Wot can Eye do? Iz a retard. Ad hominem right there and typical shaming tactics.
>"you on the other hand are cherry picking specific and predominately qualitative information rather than looking at the full picture."
The irony. Full picture. hahahahhaha
>"They have, however, always had the option to do so....unlike women :)"
YES that is the point! Men are not pursuing to get college degrees more than woman that's why they are disadvantaged on the education side now. No women is being blamed here but woman like you (going down to your level to shame you) they have the obligation to blame men, men built society and "patriarchy" if they feel disadvantaged at any point because they don't want to put the extra work. They also want to special advantages simply because they are woman and have been tormented and oppressed for years in the past.
GO grrrrrrrl power.
I am sure with that argument every white person in America is guilty for slavery right now and they have to give Black people special advantages because of what happened back then.
I shall rest my case and will tell you to go suck a dick. ;) ...............................................................................................until you choke on it. ;)
Tulabean: Did you just actually respond to my comment, delete it and write another one? And again, in this one you continue to cherry pick facts that simply back your completely biased, "poor-me, I'm a sad little boy who doesn't get all the toys my papa and his papa got so now I'm gonna hate girls" opinion. Look, if you don't want to face reality, that's fine. I imagine if pressed on the issue, you wouldn't choose to be a woman (spelled womAn for the singular - as you clearly have a problem with that one in particular). And that is where the rubber meets the road: self-absorbed, privileged asshats like you wanna bitch about all the advantages others have, but we all know the truth when you wouldn't change places with them given the opportunity.
As to my sucking a dick, as long as it's not your under-devloped, rancid, limp one then I'm ok with that. You can feel free to die in the fire of your own selfish ignorance.
| 14 | 86.071429 | |
1398952513 | 1399193248 | t3_24gebu | t5_2to41 | 1,041 | huntersam13: TIFU by drowning my kitten
GMDynamo: Holy shit.
PS, not sure why there are so many downvotes already when you clearly fucked up. I guess you fucked up too much for them.
shredderrrrrr: Likely because it may sound very untrue to some. If you accidentally killed your kitten two hours ago, would you go on Reddit and say, "I'm quite angry with myself"? It doesn't really seem genuine (to me at least).
To be clear, I'm not saying it *isn't* genuine. I'm just saying that it may come across that way.
charliebeanz: A lot of people aren't reeeeeeally attached to their pets like most people on reddit. Also, it takes time to become attached to an animal, and if it's a kitten, s/he hasn't had much time to form a bond. Or whatever. I mean, I love my cats to death, but I think I would only be upset to the point of crying if the oldest one died or something. I'd be upset if the others were hurt or dead, but not the same way I would with my oldest. Make sense kinda?
Grumpy-Brewer: I dont like cats all that much.
I saved a kitten last night.
Shes now in the crook of my arm, purring away and im already in love.
Quackimaduck1017: give her some good chin scratches for me?
Money_Pockets: Nobody scratches my chin...
Quackimaduck1017: *gives internet chin scratches*
Money_Pockets: *purrs*
Quackimaduck1017: *gives ear scratches*
Money_Pockets: *nuzzles*
Quackimaduck1017: *gives kitty treat and more chin scratches*
Money_Pockets: *eats the treat and meows, purring loudly*
Quackimaduck1017: happy kitty :3
*takes out laser pointer*
Money_Pockets: *eyes widen*
Quackimaduck1017: does kitty like laser pointers?
*shines on ground*
Money_Pockets: *darts after the red dot and pounces*
Quackimaduck1017: *moves red dot around room, occasionally putting it on your back or on your paws*
Money_Pockets: *chases the dot and gets confused when it seems to disappear*
Quackimaduck1017: *sets up mini obstacle course with some scratching posts and some books with treats at the end*
ready? follow the laser!!
Money_Pockets: *chases the laser around ducking and jumping over obstacles*
(do you rp?)
Quackimaduck1017: *gives treats and pets*
(in what sense?)
Money_Pockets: *purrs softly and nibbles on the treats*
(just curious if you rp on any rp servers or boards. just surprised a redditor is doing this right now)
Quackimaduck1017: *pats and puts out napping pillow*
(nope never have. if i do anything it's normally some random conversation like this)
Money_Pockets: *walks over to the pillow and paws at it, spins around a few times, and finally settles on the pillow falling asleep peacefully*
(oh ok :) )
OceanRacoon: *rapes*
Money_Pockets: Can't rape the willing ;)
| 27 | 38.555556 | |
1398955926 | 1398959856 | t3_24gjai | t5_2to41 | 26 | Yorkshire_Pudden: TIFU by grabbing the wrong cart
So I was at a supermarket with my girlfriend and, since I was doing the usual unhelpful male things I got sent off to find a cart. I had no idea where the carts were kept, so when I saw one apparently abandoned I just grabbed onto it and rolled it around the corner. It was about ten seconds before I realised; The cart was not empty.
There was a single green bottle of shampoo. That was about all that registered before my mind went into a sort of panic at the thought of trying to explain to some angry and confused shopper why I had just taken their cart away. There would be no way I could explain it away without, at best, being revealed as a lazy, unobservant idiot. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't take it back. I couldn't take it to my girlfriend. Looking back, the clever thing to do would have been taking the shampoo out, but I was far from thinking clearly by this point.
The only solution I could come up with was to ditch it. I darted down an aisle and, as nonchalantly as possible, let go of the cart and kept walking. I saw it later on in the same spot, the same bottle of shampoo inside it. I can only imagine the owner had to fetch another one.
Voyager5555: I couldn't take it back.
Why not?
Yorkshire_Pudden: "Ma'am, I brought your cart back."
"Back? But why did you have it?"
"Well, I... uhh... well it was pretty empty and... yeah."
You wanna have that conversation? Because I don't.
That_Deaf_Guy: It was an honest mistake, she wouldn't have killed you for taking her cart. If you gave it back she would have understood. Dick move just leaving it.
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1398953584 | 1399056756 | t3_24gft2 | t5_2to41 | 123 | Jolly_Co-operation: TIFU: By calling a white girl the N word.
So first off, I am a white male, I have been going to this mcdonalds, to see this girl for the past few weeks and me and some work mates use this word jokingly.
But today was interesting, I stopped by to get a couple of bacon and egg muffins, before heading to work. But I was about 5 minutes past when they stop making breakfast. So I politely ask the girl behind the counter if they could make a couple and she said yes. So I wait, get my order and as she hands it me, I grab the bag and say, very loudly and excitedly, "Haha! My n****r!", turn around and walk out like nothing out of the ordinary happen.
I didn't even realise I said it until about 2 minutes after walking out. I highly doubt I can go back there any more.
SamuraiKrunch: You should just stop saying nigger with your white friends. Stop saying it all together. You're gonna get into some real bad situations with that shit.
Jolly_Co-operation: first of all, not all of my mates are white and second of all, I have a couple of black work mates that call us cracker jokingly. I just happened to mess up and use it at the wrong place and time.
SamuraiKrunch: I'm from the states and you don't sound like you are. So maybe where you live race isn't such a touchy issue. But where I live, either one of those words could get you killed.
Jolly_Co-operation: I'm Australian, if that makes any difference.
My-Account-For-Trees: It does, you can get fucked up saying that in the wrong areas here. Stick to mate, mate.
| 6 | 20.5 | |
1398959806 | 1398960288 | t3_24gphz | t5_2to41 | 23 | soulroarn: TIFU today by missing a meeting.
So I'm gonna start this story off by saying I just started my new job last Monday. I'm the new guy, and I got stuck with driving a hour and fifteen minutes out to a progress meeting for a site because no one else could make it.
I was told to find a certain site. There were about 3 sites under construction in the area, so I had to find the right one. Upon going to the site I was instructed to find, I was told that I was at the right site and it was down the street. Going back to the car, I found that I had two parking tickets for invalid parking.
I go to the next site, told the same story and move down the street. Going to the final site, I was told that I missed it and it was back up the street... which was the second site I visited.
I drove back the hour and fifteen to the office, no information from the meeting only parking tickets. No one seems to be too upset, but I'm not making good impressions for being the new guy. Getting two parking violations and missing a meeting isn't the best way to impress people.
I feel like shit for making mistakes like this. I fucked up.
UPDATE: Things seem to be clearing up and no one is as angry as I thought. The first site I visited was in fact the right place, however the lot is being shared by two different companies and no one bothered to tell me this important fact. So I ran into the wrong people in the right spot. I still fucked up.
nolmurph97: Today i fucked up today...
soulroarn: As in "Today I fucked up this particular day.."
Sorry it seems a little redundant.
nolmurph97: no problem just thought it was kinda funny
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1398959030 | 1399044136 | t3_24go5h | t5_2to41 | 40 | jdpatric: TIFU by finding out that those super bendable glasses have a shelf life
I dropped my glasses a few weeks back and the nose pieces have never quite fit right since; they'd leave red, slightly irritated, depressions on either side of my nose. Well, yesterday, I finally got tired of that and decided to bend the nose pieces a little to alleviate the pressure. Instead of bending the nose pieces, however, I decided to bend the glasses frame; it's that super flexible one that always springs right back into place. Well, I've had them for ~1.5 years now and I know they don't always spring 100% back to the way they were before, and that's what I was hoping for; if I bent them awkwardly they wouldn't spring right back and would leave a little more room for my nose.
*SNAP*
Aaaaaaand I'm holding two monocles with a nose piece and a temple attached to each. I guess the flexibility wears off after a while. Who knew?
http://imgur.com/a/Y84KG
Edit - I didn't realize it at first...but they look like the saddest pair of glasses ever in those pictures. Like someone completely ruined their day.
omgplzstfu: Optician here! Most jewelers are able to solder frames like that for a temporary fix.
If your lenses are in good shape and you can afford to buy a new frame the place you bought them from can more than likely get you a replacement frame and mount your old lenses into the new frame!
jdpatric: That's exactly what I did...the frames were only 1.5 years old and the store felt kinda bad so they gave me a discount on them. I'll get em Monday so it's pretty quick too.
omgplzstfu: That's great! Glad to hear you'll only be wearing dual monacles for a few days.
jdpatric: Spare pair of glasses, but yeah me too.
| 5 | 8 | |
1398961380 | 1399047104 | t3_24gs6z | t5_2to41 | 46 | FlashVortex0: TIFU by throwing a jujube at my crush's eye
This happened yesterday, but I didn't have time to write, so sorry it's not technically a TIFU.
A mutual friend asked me and my crush (along with some other people) to go over to her place and play poker, etc... Stuff we usually do about every two weeks or so.
We played poker and talked for some time, but it was especially cold today so people started sitting on the couch and and grabbing blankets and such. I sat on a chair opposite to the couch my crush was on, and then I noticed that she was just in the corner and not taking part in the conversation. I wanted to playfully call her attention (dumb idea), so then I grabbed a jujube from a bowl next to me and threw it in her general direction, and ended up hitting her in the eye. Never throw Jujubes in someone's eye, there's sugar and stuff in it so I'm pretty sure it hurts a lot. She instantly put her hand to her eye, put on a face that made it pretty clear it hurt a lot. Everyone on the room was silent and looking at her. I couldn't say a thing, I felt like an asshole. I tried saying her name a couple of times to see if I could apologize or something, but she didn't answer. She just said to her friend that she was going to clean her eye in the sink.
Her friend went over with her, and when she came back she told me it'd probably be best if I didn't go and try to apologize now because she was most likely very mad. Fortunately, at this point everyone was talking normally again, it wasn't the weird silence from before.
When my crush returned she stayed silent for I guess about 40 minutes, just looking at her phone. I was supposed to give her a ride home but she texted her mom in the midst of it and got her mom to pick her up instead. Later she started talking, but I don't think she spoke directly to me up until the point she left. She told everyone goodbye, and she seemed to be in a little bit of a hurry. I had switched spots and was no longer in my chair, but now I was in another couch, and had a friend's legs in my lap. Now, when she said goodbye and no one was looking anymore, I told her to wait a second, and kind of shyly said to her I was sorry for what happened, and that it wasn't my intention. She just kind of said it was fine (That's what I assume it was, because she said it quite fast because I think her mom was waiting for her outside so she was hurrying), and said goodbye to me again and left.
Reddit, how bad did I fuck up? I know I fucked up by not saying I was sorry straight away but it's so hard talking to women when they're mad! I tried apologizing when she was cleaning her eye but she shut the bathroom door and I really did not want to make her more pissed.
Anything I could do to make this better?
SidePone: Just let it go for a while, then try to apologize again.
That's a ridiculously dramatic reaction. I get being pissed initially out of pain, but being cranky and moody that long? Get over it! Couldn't have been THAT bad! ever get cum in your eye? THATS bad. You'd be wishing for a few juju bees to the eyeball instead.
Also, a guy once accidentally spit beer in my eye (and it fucking HURT). I took a beat to recover, laughed it off and ended up sleeping with him that night.... But that's another story, I guess.
Sometimes_Lies: There could easily be more going on here than we know about. Might be she was in a terrible mood or dealing with serious shit to begin with and the incident only made it more obvious.
Alternatively, (no offense meant to OP) it could be possible that she just hates OP and her reaction was less "the pain is unbearable!" and more "I really want to chew this fucking dumbass out once and for all, but my friends all like him, so I'm just going to go home."
Hard to judge based on this post alone, obviously. Also, hopefully I'm not giving you a complex, /u/FlashVortex0!
FlashVortex0: She already seemed to be a little cranky when she first arrived, now that you mention it. I don't think it's some sort of hate towards me though. Maybe it is.
| 4 | 11.5 |
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