start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1398958523 | 1398988183 | t3_24gnce | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by being a silly romantic fool.
In all honesty this was coming but all I could do was deny it was happening, again.
At first you were interested, and then you became more interested however, its always short lived. I'm weird, I'm odd, and maybe that's nice at first but it gets old quickly. I thought maybe something was there, and I got confused thinking we were talking when in fact it was nothing. I thought it was, told just about everyone I knew about it because, well I wanted to share that with the world. Yea we're never dating but we were "talking" and I thought maybe just maybe I could have you and hold you, kiss you, play with your hair and listen to you. Sure sex is amazing but it was really about being connected to you, a real person, not like 90% of the girls at my school who are too fake for me to even relate to. I relieved the sexual frustration a few times and then you don't even have the time of day with me. I remember you calling me perfect as I began to love your body from head to toe, just as clearly as the text you sent me this morning saying how I'm such a great guy but you're not looking for a relationship. I get it, your not that into me, and maybe I fell to far to quick, and maybe writing you a letter to express myself was too much, but I cant help it if I'm expressive.
Worst part of all of this is I want to be mad at you, have someone to blame but the only person I have to blame is myself for overthinking everything, like always. You're an amazing girl, I'm just and weird guy, what did I expect?
TL;DR: TIFU so well that I messed up something that wasn't even there in the first place.
fifthpilgrim: I'm really confused, is this a TIFU, or is this a love letter to your crush?
StkColeTrain: Tifu :-P it was meant to be that but first post
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1398974761 | 1399003640 | t3_24hejs | t5_2to41 | 109 | rpgguy_1o1: TIFU by trying to get my kitten to come on the bed so I could pet him.
I had just woken up, laying on my side, this morning to my kitten meowing at me. He was sitting on a box of comic books next to my bed and I wanted to pet him.
To attract him over I started calling his name and moving my hand back and forth really fast on the bed so he would pounce on me. He was watching intensely, then flattened himself out ready to strike. He sprung toward my hand which was lined with my face at this point.
I didn't want him to actually catch my hand to I whipped it down to dodge him. I dodged him, and then immediately karate chopped myself in the gonads. I let out a loud "UHHHHGGGG!" with him right next to my face, which scared him and he ran off.
Now he's hiding from me and I've got a dull lingering pain in my balls. I just wanted to pet my kitten.
Prepare_To_Be_Woo-ed: Sorry for your aching berries, but it's a better idea not to have the kitten think the bed is where he can play as they tend to start attacking anything *stirring* under the sheets.
lyncati: Not to mention the mistake of using one's body as a toy for the cat to attack. Probably best not to condition the cat to view your hand or body as something they can scratch and bite.
jahannan: It's not legitimately the *worst* idea. Cats aren't stupid, they can tell that the thing they're playing with is sensitive and squishy and they shouldn't do anything worse than playful bites. I've had plenty of cats fight my hand, they just nip at it without doing any damage as long as you don't make sudden movements.
Some cats are complete dicks though and will straight up try to murder your shit. But they'd probably attack your hand whether you trained them to or not.
lyncati: Watch cat from hell and listen to what the guy who works with cats for a living has to say about using your body as a play toy. While I understand not every cat will react that way, you are still conditioning them that it's ok to bite and scratch you.... so basically if they ever do it its your fault.
jahannan: I think there's a big difference between working with cats for a living where every time you train an asshole cat, you're going to get your shit ripped up, and owning 1 or 2 cats that you own for years and will know that they either can or can't be trusted.
EDIT: To be clear, I don't disagree at all - it's definitely not a great idea if you don't want to get bitten, it's just not a *terrible* idea if you can handle the cat bites and you think cats playing with your hand is super cute.
EDIT2: Oh, and probably also helps if you don't have children because lol. Though children + cats is probably a bad idea from the start.
lyncati: Nah, I grew up with a cat since I was born. It's all on how you teach the child and pet to interact with each other... it's no dangerous then having a dog around a child.
And I mean, if you are ok with bites and scratches that's fine... just when one day your cat is hyper and gets a little too rough, just realize you basically asked for it. I mean, I've played with some cats like that, but also completely owned up to the scratches when I got them.
I was just trying to say (poorly) how a lot of people play like that with their cat, then when the cat attacks them out of nowhere (just playing) or swats at another person, they blame the cat. Which we both know it's not the cat's fault.
jahannan: It's never the cat's fault. Some cats, no matter what you do, are always going to be shits. We still have to love them, and it's always going to be your fault if you misjudge what the cat was thinking.
I'm growing to like dogs more since getting my first one, because when they do something naughty it's always the fault of a lack of training. But at the same time, it can be really fun how unpredictable and nearly undomesticated cats are. You know, as long as you don't mind the scratches.
lyncati: Yeah both species have their benefits and bad qualities, which is why I have both cats and dogs in the house.
Although they have started to influence each other. My cat will lick me like the puppies in order to show affection. and they all play with each other. If it wasn't for the fact my cat runs/climbs/glides up my cat furniture and hangs on it upside down with her claws in it, I'd think she was a dog trapped in a cat's body.
The main difference between the two is you do gotta spend more time with the dog. You got a cat just put food, water, and a litter box out, show it to them, and you're good for life. A dog however takes a little more time, but that's cause they are pack oriented and therefore seek us or the alpha's guidance on what's appropriate or not.
Although you can litter train a dog...
| 9 | 12.111111 | |
1398971794 | 1398999196 | t3_24h9ks | t5_2to41 | 111 | WonderboyUK: TIFU by inadvertently showing 13 year olds a video about a crackhead spider driving a car.
I, hopefully still, teach science to 11-18 year olds and was looking for a decent video clip to show students on the effects of different drugs. I found [this video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHzdsFiBbFc) on the effects of different drugs on spider webs. I watched the first half of the video and as you can see it is great, interesting and informative. The second half however goes on to discuss a spider getting drunk and loosing visitation rights to his kids as well as a spider on crack cocaine driving a car, shooting another spider and ultimately keeping another spider as his bitch. An innocent mistake and found it hilarious, as did the kids, until I realised It could easily be sackable worthy video.
Clarky2142475: Awww. I thought you meant [this] (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=52W-ahfPjbg).
boomer478: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rLw-9dpHtcU
| 3 | 37 | |
1398977115 | 1399037151 | t3_24hihb | t5_2to41 | 2,544 | AnalOverload: TIFU by wiping my ass with what I thought was cotton
Ok so this didn't happen today but when I was much younger. So I was with my uncle while he was remodeling a home. I would help with small things like running back and forth to his vehicle with screws or tools when he needed it. At this point in construction he had the water shut off in the house and the toilets in the house would not flush.
He was doing the walls and was installing this [pink stuff](http://i.imgur.com/d4h2Jv9.jpg). As I was a kid I didn't know what that stuff was but it looked fluffy. A few hours went by and I felt a rumble in my stomach and needed to unload a brown one. I was proud that I had done my business in the woods before and I would do the same this time. I didn't want to use leaves so I had my eye on that soft pink stuff to wipe my ass.
I took a small piece from the roll and told my uncle I needed to go to the back yard. He probably thought I was going to take a piss, anyways. I found a nice stump to get into position and dropped my load. I proceeded to take the piece I grabbed earlier and wiped. It felt really soft just as I thought it would, just like cotton. I then got rid of the pink fluff under a pile of leaves.
As I start walking back I felt a little itch coming from where I wiped, I wondered if I hadn't wiped properly but it's not too bad, and I needed a change when I get home anyways so I said fuck it. As I walk further it spread, felt like fire ants were attacking my asschecks. Maybe my shorts got kinda wet and my ass is itchy from that (you ever get that itch when you have a mild swamp ass going and no matter how you sit it still itches? Yeah it was kinda like that). Once I get back my I asked my uncle why do they put cotton in the walls. He explained it was for insulation and it kept the home warmer in the winter. He also added it wasn't cotton but it was fiber glass. I kept adjusting myself, looking like I was picking the impossible wedgie.
I knew at the time that bath tubs and boats were made of fiber glass and asked why they were hard and this stuff was soft. He told me that those things have a resin to hold it hard and this stuff was spun kinda like cotton candy. At this point my ass is burning like fuck. I then asked him just as any kid would do and asked "what if you were to wipe your butt with it?" He then gave me that look as at that moment he knew exactly what I did and said "bad idea, your butt will itch for days" I then told him how I grabbed a piece and used it to wipe myself. He started to laugh and said better get you home. He wrapped up his project and took me back home to shower off.
I was able to wash off the worst of it but the damage was done. My ass was red like a baboon and the ride home in his truck was the worst thing ever. To this day I still see rolls of that junk in Home Depot with the pink panther and his stupid [fucking grin](http://i.imgur.com/DEI6alD.png) and only think how bad that motherfucker scorched my anus...
Tl;dr: wiped my ass with fiber glass insulation, I still hold a grudge with the pink panther.
*note, posting from phone. Sorry for any grammar or formatting errors.
ThatDandyMan: At age 9-10 my father had used the same materials to build a new attic. I thought that it would be fun to jump in.
AnalOverload: Did you ever do it?
ThatDandyMan: Yes. It was only fun for a minute or so.
AnalOverload: Then it was not fun for a few days or so.
moneymcsimpson: Relevant username?
ViolentThespian: No, go home.
moneymcsimpson: Woah, I didn't think it was that bad. Sorry I misjudged that one.
Edit: I mean he overloaded his bum with fiber glass. I don't understand all the downvotes.
IrrationalBees: Reddit can be a fickle beast sometimes. If you'd posted that somewhere else you probably would have got upvotes for it.
Augenmann: People might think it's a throwaway made for this post, so the the name fitting would ot be a coincidence.
_aex: For those who are lazy, AnalOverload is *not* a throwaway (1-year club).
| 11 | 231.272727 | |
1398977784 | 1399009574 | t3_24hjl5 | t5_2to41 | 24 | UmiShirube: TIFU by sleeping through my alarm.
So today I fucked up by sleeping through my alarm. I was meant to wake up three hours ago to drive my girlfriend who lives 45 minutes away and drive her to the airport.
My alarm went off and I snoozed right past it and now I'm up shit creek without a paddle.
I know I was stupid for sleeping in and now I can't help but feel absolutely shattered for ruining her girls trip weekend.
I don't believe I'm actually shaking in rage with how stupid I am.
mognut: surely she called a taxi. and im sorry but u aint getting for weeks my friend women can really hold a grudge
UmiShirube: Yeah dude. She did they made it fine but it's a girls trip so go figure who's getting smashed. I suck sigh
| 3 | 8 | |
1398984708 | 1399062066 | t3_24husx | t5_2to41 | 53 | traugdor: TIFU by saying no to my wife
This doesn't involve poop.
Today is my wife's birthday and she asked if we could go to a small dinner dive downtown and I, being the jerk that I am, made an excuse because I wanted to just stay home with her. 6 minutes later she texts me and says "thats fine".
I get home from work and she's very subdued and I say I changed my mind and would like to go anyway. She doesn't respond and starts acting like she's upset. I find out she was really looking forward to going out, and got her hopes up and I just smashed them into a million pieces.
Now I feel like dirt.
Tl;dr: **don't say no to your wife on her birthday**
Edit: She's crying now. I feel really bad.
lyncati: The level of ignorance and stupidity here is amazing.
Chronophagous: Care to elaborate?
lyncati: I'm just going to tell you to re-read the post and then the comments. If you do not understand after that you are either a troll or really ignorant on how people work.
Chronophagous: Neither of those, I just dislike when people attempt to insult others while at the same time putting as little effort into it as possible.
It just makes it look like you're lazy, and/or you don't really have a good reason for disagreeing.
fynx07: With this level of stupidity, it really doesn't *warrant* explaining. Even OP admitted it. Why should he point out the unnecessary details that OP pointed out himself and agreed upon.
lyncati: Not to mention a couple other people replied just like this and I don't see this person getting into a hissy fit with them. So either this person is a hypocrite or just an asshat.
fynx07: I absolutely agree.
| 8 | 6.625 | |
1398985577 | 1399264155 | t3_24hw27 | t5_2to41 | 103 | Richy8447: TIFU (1 year ago) by fapping while on Xbox live.
So me and my friends were playing a couple games on Xbox live. One of my friends (Chris) left to go make popcorn. My other friend (George) said he would be back soon. My dumbass, thinking they would take a while, got out my kindle and began fapping. The only problem was my mic was still on. Now my kindles volume was up all the way and my mic was laying right beside it. When my friend Chris comes back, all he says is "Dude what is all that moaning??". I was so nervous that the only answer I could give was "what moaning?"
Chris then goes on to tell George I was watching porn and proved it by stating the fact that I was in the game lobby for a full 10 minutes and he could hear my porn. After serious questioning I broke down and admitted it. Now I am known as the xbox live creeper. Chris also has a phone recording of the entire incident...
silentbob_: Ive never heard of watching porn on a kindle haha.
420AmazingDragons: Sometimes I watch porn on the shitty browser on my 2DS.
NintendoGuy128: Wtf man? At least on the 3DS you get the added benefit of 3D porn.
420AmazingDragons: Gonna be honest, I bought the thing for Zelda and Pokemon, so 3D wasn't on my list of priorities. That being said, any game recommendations you'd give to a person into games mentioned above would be highly appreciated. :)
edit: oh but I'm gonna get the new Smash, I've never really played it but this one looks amazing.
NintendoGuy128: Haha yeah, anyway I would recommend Kid Icarus Uprising, Mario Kart, Mario 3D Land, Fire Emblem, Monster Hunter, and there are plenty more.
420AmazingDragons: Mario Kart looks great! An old boyfriend of mine tried to get me into Fire Emblem but I didn't catch on sadly. I've also heard good things about Kid Icarus and the art style is great. Thanks for the recommendations! :)
NintendoGuy128: Yeah to be honest Fire Emblem isn't really my thing either, I just recommended it because people say it's good. :P
| 8 | 12.875 | |
1398986817 | 1398997254 | t3_24hxvf | t5_2to41 | 71 | [deleted]: TIFU by 'shaving' my pubes with scissors. Oh god the itching.
Generic (male, for context's sake) teenage idiot, decided to remove my pubic hair since it was getting out of hand and getting to the point in my current relationship where that stuff matters. But instead of manning up and either asking my dad to get me a razor or just buying one myself and figuring out how to use it myself from online tutorials (what am I gonna do, ask my dad to teach me how to shave my pubes?), I grabbed some scissors and went to town. It's been two days and the itching will not stop. The hair right above my crotch is curled at just the right angle to scratch/tickle my skin with every step, and the hair between my legs pokes my legs and causes pain. Obviously never going to do this again, and I'll just go get a razor to make this so much nicer in the future, but is there anyway to stop the itching now? I've thought about trying baby powder or aloe vera (a small amount), but after my first great idea I'm afraid to try anything lest I have a similar post tomorrow.
Burney1: First of all, buy your own razor. If you are old enough to have a girl that can see your dick, you are old enough to buy a fucking Gillette.
Second, if you go down to bare skin, that shit will itch, and be stubbly when growing back. Instead, TRIM instead of SHAVE. Maybe get a shaver/groomer combo, they come with different attachments and they know you are using it to shave your junk, so there is likely to be one for that.
Try baby powder or Talcum powder for the itching.
scrndude: I actually never had it itch very badly when I shave down there. My problems is that the ballsack is just a real pain to shave, especially the center part with the line on it. I always accidentally nick myself just a bit. It never takes more than a day or two to completely heal, but seeing blood coming from my ballsack always freaks me out.
But yeah, I use some Burt's Bees aftershave (fav aftershave in general, and it's non-alcoholic of course) and never have the itching problem.
I guess the most important things are to make sure you avoid razor burn, and definitely don't use an acolohol-based aftershave. Because what "hurts for just a second" on your face BURNS LIKE THE FIERY HOT BLAZES OF HELL on your balls.
| 3 | 23.666667 | |
1398993255 | 1399142666 | t3_24i78w | t5_2to41 | 90 | shamkitten: TIFU by calling my students "a bunch of assholes"
First year teaching ever so I make a lot of mistakes but this one has probably been the worst. I teach freshmen in a low income school and they were acting pretty immature and picking on each other. It just slipped out.
dancingmrt: Just be glad the internal filter in your head prevented you from calling em faggots, cunts, niggers, or something else that parents and the news would have a field day with.
PaisleyPanties: I'd really hope that a teacher would be mature enough not to use slurs and doesn't need an "internal filter" for them.
SonofUlysses: Everyone has an internal filter. It's called the "ego." It's what prevents us from doing and saying whatever the fuck we want.
Silverlight42: Yes but not all of us has it actively running making sure we don't act like a racist sob.
SonofUlysses: The only ones who don't are children and the mentally irregular (to use a phrase from "Rocky III")
Silverlight42: I am mentally irregular. Fairly certain i've got aspergers. Cool quote btw, I had no idea.
| 7 | 12.857143 | |
1398993778 | 1399064064 | t3_24i80w | t5_2to41 | 27 | [deleted]: TIFU by burning my nipples
Well... I have had some pretty dark days if I may say so myself, and this particular accident happened a few years back. When I was in the 8th grade, I was known pretty well to be the "One who does the stupid shit", and everyone was right to believe so. I was the class dipshit.
When I and my friend were left at home one day after school, I don't remember if it was my idea or my buddy's idea, but I decided it was a good idea to grab our hot glue gun, a couple of empty mountain dew cans, and put two and two together. I slowly placed a big glob of hot glue into the bottom curvature of each can and my buddy firmly pressed them onto my chest while I was writhing around, screaming in pain. One of the attached cans actually fell off after about 10 seconds, and I had to reapply it.
Once my cans were firmly secured to my chest, my buddy then took out his cell phone and took a picture of my "cans". He sent the picture to my mother, who then proceeded to freak the fuck out. Once I decided that the cans had spent enough time on my chest, I pulled them off... It wasn't too pleasant, but the worst part of it was when I saw my buddy's face as I pulled the right-hand can off. He was so shocked by what had happened as a result of my stupid trick. He yelled, "DUDE!!!!! WHERE'S YOUR NIPPLE?!?!?" And when I looked down, I'll be damned. It looked like the sum'bitch took my nipple off.
My buddy decided that he would call my mom, telling her that I pulled my nipple off, and she rushed home and beat my ass. After that, I cleaned my wounds and applied neosporin on the nip. For 3 days after that, I walked around the house holding my shirt up so my shirt wouldn't rub up against my burns. OP just might deliver, not quite sure yet
TL;DR I'm a stupid piece of shit
alanram: >"I don't remember if it was my idea or my buddy's idea, but I decided it was a good idea to grab our hot glue gun, a couple of empty mountain dew cans, and put two and two together."
So it was your idea since you **decided** and how do you put those "two and two together"? Is it common sense that a couple of cans and a hot glue gun mean potentially burning your nipples?
[deleted]: Your mom
Sibire: So, how's ninth grade?
[deleted]: 11th and awesome
| 5 | 5.4 | |
1398985037 | 1399011770 | t3_24hv9k | t5_2to41 | 18 | NefastVoltaire: TIFU by listening to the weatherman.
So I wake up at 2 in the morning to get ready for work. It's a bit nippy out so I pull on jeans and a sweater, no t-shirt and top it off with my leather coat. The weatherman says it'll be a cold day out. Fast forward to 2:40 and I begin my 50 minute trek home.
It is sweltering hot. I can almost see the tarmac melting. It's like everything is going slow motion because of how hot it is. I'm melting in my jeans and sweater and leather coat.
I should have worn layers.
scrndude: Aren't those layers?
NefastVoltaire: A sweater under a jacket isn't much relief from the heat you know.
esearcher: But you could have removed the outer layer easily, not perfect, but certainly better than a sweater AND jacket
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1399012292 | 1399072640 | t3_24iv8i | t5_2to41 | 34 | Im18fuckmyass: TIFU and I am jittering with fear while writing this.
Well today I fucked up and it wasn't even 1 in the morning yet. Before I get started, I'll tell you why I did something so GD stupid.
So a while ago (maybe a month) I got handed a ticket for driving past curfew. (I am 18, but I was driving on an intermediate license since it hadn't expired yet). Now I got the ticket in a really small town outside of the city I live in (I live in the suburbs, but this "city" is almost buttfuck nowhere) so I figured they were just pulling anyone over who happened to be driving around at this hour ( they were notorious for pulling people over for no reason) but i was still pissed.
So tonight, I decided to go get a drink at McDonald's and smoke a cigarette before going to bed. As I was driving home, I saw a cop from my town and wondered if I could ask him if what they did was normal (it's about 12:30 when I saw him)So I followed him for about a mile when he pulls into the DMV, parks, and gets out of his car. He stared down my car and another cop car had been waiting there and the police officer had been out of the car since I got there. This was the moment I started seeing red flags, I get out try to diffuse the situation by saying "good evening officers" and was meet with harsh tones and short answers.
Damn I feel stupid.
anyways, I tried to explain my situation, all he said was "take that up with them, I'm not going to second guess their verdict. The first cop starts looking through my windows with a flashlight. The second cop starts asking me for my personal info;
"Do you have your ID on you?"
I didn't, so I said "It's in my car"
He asks me if I had been drinking, I hadn't. He then asked for my full name, date of birth, and social security number. He kept telling me to take my hands out of my pockets. It's fucking cold outside, I want to warm my hands. He radios for a verbal on my SSN and holds his unwavering eye contact that only a police officer can have.
All clear. He tells me to go and not to do what I did ever again.
I leave thinking "Why the fuck was that so awkward? What the fuck was up their butts?" then it hit me. The first cop thought I was about to shoot him up, or do something else of equal stupidity. Damn I feel like the biggest fucking idiot on the face of the planet.
When it's all said and done though, I feel like it's a double standard that cops can follow someone for miles for no reason other then to hand out a ticket to meet their ticket quota for the month, when I as a tax payer would like a public servant to help me out and protect my rights, I get the third degree.
Don't get me wrong, I know I fucked up big time, but something here just doesn't feel right.
TL;DR: Inadvertently threaten a cop, feel stupid.
fynx07: > When it's all said and done though, I feel like it's a double standard that cops can follow someone for miles for no reason other then to hand out a ticket to meet their ticket quota for the month, when I as a tax payer would like a public servant to help me out and protect my rights, I get the third degree.
First off, they were probably freaked out being followed in the middle of the night. I'm sure after following the cop, he radioed for back up to meet him there, that part was most likely set up before you got there because, as I said, the first cop was probably worried and on edge about you.
Second off, cops don't have "monthly ticket quotas" that is a myth. They follow you to ticket you for breaking the law. Which is there for a reason. Source: I have several cop/sheriff dept friends.
You did screw up, but you apologized and I'm sure that made them feel better about it. No harm was done in the end and I'm sure all is forgiven and made a funny story out of.
Im18fuckmyass: I know, I have been hassled by smaller city cops and I **know** I fucked up. it wasn't until after that I realized how stupid it was, kind of ranted there, but I feel like there should be a way for citizens to talk to a police officer who isn't busy and ask a question (directions, advice) but there just isn't and that sucks.
fynx07: I agree with you to a point about being able to talk to a cop who isn't busy. If that were the case though, I'm sure tons of petty criminals would already be bugging the living shit out of them trying to justify why they were driving drunk for the 8th time or why they had so much pot in their trunk etc. Would very quickly eliminate any free time they did have
Im18fuckmyass: Yeah, I get that. It stinks but it is kind of a road block. What if there was a number for non emergency police needs.
fynx07: Now you are on to something :)
| 6 | 5.666667 | |
1399017681 | 1399109648 | t3_24izjq | t5_2to41 | 11 | tsu28: TIFU deleting windows
so i tried to install ubuntu and i accedently deleted windows and all of my files. exams begin on monday
Cancani: Im sorry but what
[deleted]: I actually tried installing ubuntu so I could dual boot with windows 7 and linux a while back; it asked me if I want to use the version of linux I had to replace my operating system. Because I'm not 13, I backed out and instead chose to install it on a flash drive.
TL;DR don't try to install linux on a PC that already has windows 7 unless you want to completely replace your operating system or dual boot.
Cancani: You should get a million upvotes for that :) thanks alot for the answer
__a_lot_bot__: It's 'a lot' not '[alot](http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/04/alot-is-better-than-you-at-everything.html),' ya dingus!
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1399011548 | 1399062547 | t3_24iujt | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by Gambling
Well I decided to try out an online casino in an attempt to earn some money. And at first it worked out quite well as i had accumulated over 1500 dollars. But I fucked up by pushing my luck. I lost it all. I then preceded to deposit more of my own money into the casino. I lost a lot of money (for me anyway) and I feel awful right now. I fucked up. fuck.
L3ftyrocks89: You should have stopped at 1500 man.
jatorres: That's easy to say in hindsight.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1399031306 | 1399119555 | t3_24j9ih | t5_2to41 | 2,919 | honestruth1987: TIFU by shooting myself through the hand with a 9mm
So I was cleaning my 9mm M9A1 and loaded it before I was gonna put it up. I later on forgot I had loaded it and while bored home alone decided to see if I liked the weight of the trigger. I racked the slide to cock it, then managed to shoot myself right through my left hand. I called 911 and I was brought to the hospital. There, the doctors put me under general anesthesia to remove the bone fragments from my hand. Now I am on percocet which is having little effect and I get to have pins put in my hand next week.
envirodale: First rule of gun safety. Always assume its loaded.
You're an idiot but at least there weren't any organs shot.
pippx: Isn't it also a bad idea to store weapons loaded?
daguise73: There are different schools of thought, but (imho) if you have a gun for self defense, it should be ready to use with as few steps as possible. If I'm just storing them, then I definitely unload them first.
DkS_FIJI: I keep my 45 unloaded, but with a clip right by it. I could have it loaded and ready to fire in a pretty negligible amount of time, even for a home defense scenario.
daguise73: I get where you are coming from, but any amount of time that passes between realizing there is an intruder and stopping them isn't negligible in my book. Besides, if the magazine is next to it, there isn't much difference between a kid loading it vs turning off the safety. Well, I guess a 45 is fairly hard to rack. At any rate, there are no kids in my house, and I do have the safety on.
chewp911: Ahh paranoia.
daguise73: Because no one ever gets their house broken into, right? I spend a lot more time putting on a seatbelt, but I've never needed that. Is that paranoia?
Farlake: Well, it's about how high is the risk of something happening, and how proven it is to work.
Getting into a car accident at some point in your life is fairly likely if you drive much, and wearing a seatbelt has proven to be quite effective in reducing damages from car crashes.
From my perspective at least, a home invasion is not likely enough that i take any special precautions beyond locking my doors and windows, and i have never seen any indication that having a gun makes you any safer during a home invasion.
I have been to several robbery safety courses (not directly related to home invasions, but if my workplace should be robbed) and the most important thing you get told is to NOT in any way spook or stress the robber. Drawing a weapon is the absolute worst thing you can do in that situation as it will make them shoot you instead of asking you to give them your stuff.
SykoKiller666: > Drawing a weapon is the absolute worst thing you can do in that situation as it will make them shoot you instead of asking you to give them your stuff.
I don't want to get into a huge debate over this, but that's typically why when you are aware of an intruder, you shoot first. It's also why there are laws protecting people who do shoot first, because you do not know their intent other than the fact that they are in your home without your consent, which is reason enough to believe they are there to harm you or others.
Farlake: If i am aware of an intruder that is not aware of me, id rather not have him become aware of me in the first place, that seems like the safest option. Im going to call the police, and get the hell out of my house.
Simply because i don't care about any of the stuff in my house, or my right to defend my home compared to how much i value my life and health, and to me this looks like the safest option, confronting an intruder with a gun carries in my mind more risk than not doing it.
And I have not seen any data showing that people with guns are less likely to be injured during a home invasion, and to me having a loaded gun in the house just seems like an unnessecary risk.
But again, i concider a home invasion while someone is at home, let alone a home invasion where the person has violent intension to be so rare that it's not worth having a gun in the house for.
SykoKiller666: > Most of the actual self-defense shootings in the Cato study didn’t involve concealed carry licenses, but more typically had to do with responses to residential invasions. Of these, 488 involved home burglaries. In addition, there were 1,227 incidents where intruders were induced to flee the scene by armed inhabitants, circumstances that might otherwise have resulted in injurious assaults including rapes and murders. There were 285 news accounts indicating that the defender had a concealed weapon license, which in the majority of these incidents took place outside a home or place of business. Pizza delivery drivers were common robbery targets.
http://www.forbes.com/sites/larrybell/2012/02/21/disarming-the-myths-promoted-by-the-gun-control-lobby/
Farlake: It's very hard to get any sort of realistic comparison, because collecting data on burglaries where the homeowner had a gun, vs those who did not have a gun, how many got injured and so on is quite a daunting task.
The study shows how many intruders that where induced to flee, but does it show anything about how many intruders where induced to attack when a weapon was drawn ?
Again, my comparison to shop burglaries is not perfect, but a robber has no incentive to hurt you if you are not a major threat to him.
I see what you are trying to point out, but the numbers in the study does nothing to disprove or prove my point, or yours.
This study does not show much to be honest, it only shows the ratio between different kinds of defensive incidents, it does nothing to show how common any of these incidents are, or what the outcome of most of them would be if a self defence weapon was not involved.
The study includes 488 home burglaries, over a period of 8 years, in a country with 300 million people, that's quite a questionable number to draw conclusions from. Either home invasions are so rare that it's hard to get any data on it at all, or the study simply did not bother to collect a usable amount of data.
| 13 | 224.538462 | |
1399022802 | 1399122897 | t3_24j32r | t5_2to41 | 64 | Crazedmonkey05: TIFU by eating Golden Corral and thinking everything would be fine.
I went to Golden Corral with my boyfriend, as we haven't eaten out in a while. So everything is going good, we finish our food and leave. Walmart is just down the street so we head over there. My boyfriend gets a pair of pants, and everything is still feeling good. I decide I want to go to Radioshack as my phone was shit, so new phone. Spend at least 1 and half hours in Radioshack, the guy is setting everything up on my phone. Starting to feel a little gassy. Finally make my last stop at Hyvee to withdrawl and get a money order for rent. Ok, I'm getting really gassy now. I'll be fine... Finally my turn at the ATM and about 20 seconds into the transaction I get that feeling. You got about 30 seconds to get your ass over the toilet, or your shitting your pants. ATM is soooo slow. Fuck. Dude just walked up behind me. My ass is clenched so fucking hard. I could crush a diamond with that shit. And that last roiling bubble, and the moment of truth... My ass executed one of the absolute loudest, and horrifyingly stinking shart. Guy behind me is now five or six feet back, where he was once 2 feet. Finally the atm spits out my money, and receipt. I basically sprint to the other side of the store where the bathrooms are. Thank god I had a pad on, otherwise it would of stained my jeans. So I got my money order and GTFO of there. My boyfriend thinks it's hilarious. I'm almost crying. And I really feel bad for that poor bastard that stood behind me.
L3ftyrocks89: Where was this Golden Corral at?
Crazedmonkey05: Quad Cities area/ Iowa
L3ftyrocks89: Aw okay. I work at a Golden Corral that happens to be right down the street from a Wal-mart and a RadioShack.
JovialJosh: Heh my mom works at a Golden Corral thats right down the street from a Wal-Mart and in the same shopping center as a Radioshack
(seriously)
Floyd_Pink: Otherwise known as 'America?!'
| 6 | 10.666667 | |
1399036778 | 1399391866 | t3_24jfam | t5_2to41 | 435 | TheEwokApocalypse: TIFU by mistaking spray on fake tan for deodorant...
And now I'm just sitting here, at work, with underarms so gold that Midas himself would be jealous.
Yay.
Poet-Laureate: As long as you wear a T-shirt- or shirt with sleeves, where is the problem?
It's not like redditors are getting laid...
^^^^^^source ^^^^^^I'm ^^^^^^a ^^^^^^Redditor.
Zintilyaspin: Don't know why you're getting downvoted.
Poet-Laureate: Because I said Redditors dont get laid.
Zintilyaspin: They don't.
Poet-Laureate: I know... But they took offence.
| 6 | 72.5 | |
1399015076 | 1399405419 | t3_24ixig | t5_2to41 | 76 | simplish: TIFU by applying for a job
This is a cautionary tale for why you don't do things at 2am.
I currently work in a job with a lot of commuting and have been getting a bit fed up of the time it takes. A couple of days ago I saw something advertised at an interesting company about 10mins walk from my house and decided to apply.
Somehow while filling in the application I entered the wrong email address - I used my work email domain instead of personal.
No big deal, right? Wrong. I used the name from my personal address which is slightly different, meaning that the email went to the person who administers the email accounts for redirection.
That person is my boss. I just woke up to a forwarded "thank you for your application" email with a "?" from my boss. Who is also the CEO of the company. Who has a history of taking such things fairly personally.
Fuck.
rbuyna: Well, if you get punished for it, keep thorough notes of everything and if you feel the need to, find a lawyer for it. It isn't illegal to look for other jobs.
Lehk: It also isn't illegal to fire someone for looking for other jobs
CupricWolf: I think that may depend on the state.
| 4 | 19 | |
1399020510 | 1399142000 | t3_24j1h5 | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by causing a car accident.
Let me start off by saying that no one was hurt in the process, it was a very small crash. Anyways, my parents decided to do some cleaning and they had me take out a lot of useless items in the garage. Some of the stuff we throw away, but like every good Samaritan we put items on the corner of the street with a free sign to help people out. (I kid you not, the items are usually gone in 10 minutes) That street just happens to be fairly busy around noon so that's when I put the items there, one of the items was a stroller. As I walked away, the stroller rolled into the street ,as I did not put the brake on it, and a car heading towards it swerved out of the way to avoid hitting it and was hit on the side by another car heading the opposite direction. There are always accidents on that street so I just thought another random one happened, and that's when I see the lady pointing at the stroller and screaming. That could have gotten really messy, but luckily it didn't...at least not that bad. So I walked away and told my parents it was another usual crash...
todxdurchxfeuer: You're an asshole.
Pawn0: you need to calm down and turn your edgyness down. You mom taught you better than that.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1399041521 | 1399057729 | t3_24jlpd | t5_2to41 | 169 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating gummy fruit snacks while drunk.
My GF, friends, and I went out last night night drinking. Its last call so my GF drives me and her back to her place. We walk in and I see some fruit snacks on the counter. Immediately, my drunk self starts going to town on this jar of fruit snacks. I ate probably 5-6 of them before my GF noticed and rushed over to grab them out of my hand. Turns out the snacks weren't snacks at all but fiber supplement fruit flavored gummies. The jar says that an adult should eat no more than 2 a day, I ate 3 times that and I get enough fiber in my diet already. I have been sitting on my toilet for the past hour, super hungover with the worst cramps and diarrhea I have ever had. I feel like death.
-Senpai-: I hope the first thing you said was "You're shittin me"
Dinosoarman: *Senpai-Samaaa!*
-Senpai-: Baka
Dinosoarman: Aru?
| 5 | 33.8 | |
1399047217 | 1399508616 | t3_24jugl | t5_2to41 | 126 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally coughing up a load of flem down my massively obese college teachers cleavage.
As my morbidly obese teacher leaned over to help me with my work, her massive rolls of fat and cleavage rested on my desk. I've had a bad chest infection lately and out of nowhere I accidentally coughed up a massive wad of flem straight down her cleavage. My body felt like it was being stang all over by stinging nettles and I felt a hot wave of pure dread flush through my entire soul as she just looked at me like I was the most repulsive evil person she has ever seen. She then slowly stands up and quietly says "Oh hell no..." over and over again and then suddenly screams at the top of her voice "OH HELL NO!". The entire class goes silent and she just calmly walks out the class holding her arms up like shes wading through a imaginary swamp... I know im not going to be sleeping for a long time after this, I really do hate myself so fucking much.
FAP-FOR-BRAINS: you are in college, and misspell 'phlegm'?
Nozphexezora: Yeah, everybody takes the "how to spell Phlem" class as an elective.
MesioticRambles: You can't even spell it correctly while the correct spelling is RIGHT THERE.
Nozphexezora: It was a joke.
Boathead96: No it wasn't
Nozphexezora: Yes it was.
| 7 | 18 | |
1399048212 | 1399084008 | t3_24jw1t | t5_2to41 | 9 | blobber109: TIFU by trying to clean the crook of a tenor saxophone
**tl;dr Got a [cloth](http://img01.cp.aliimg.com/imgextra/i2/42283645/T2VxNSXdxbXXXXXXXX_!!42283645.jpg) stuck in the [crook](http://vintagemartinguitar.net/files/2010/11/-83141705664004441.jpg) of a [tenor](http://www.bandmans.com/images/TS-280G.jpg) saxophone, rendering a [£300 piece of equipment](http://www.sax.co.uk/yamaha-custom-f1-tenor-sax-neck.ir) useless**
I play [alto](http://nelsonndhs.org/2013_fall_per1/nd_band/assets/YAS-475_Enlarged-09.jpg) saxophone.
For a while now I've been looking to move on from the Yamaha that I have had for five years now, but I am unsure of where to go next. Part of me wants to try [baritone](http://www.pitt.edu/~kit10/baritonesaxophone.jpg), part of me wants [tenor](http://www.bandmans.com/images/TS-280G.jpg), and part of me wants to [find a better alto](http://www.selmer.fr/media/histoire/hist/diapo/grande/54MarkVIténorVO.jpg).
The school has loads of saxophones so, for the past week, I've been trying out the different types and makes.
As a bit of side information, these saxophones are nasty. They are clearly played once in a blue moon and are cleaned about half as often as they are played.
Today I was testing out a [tenor](http://www.bandmans.com/images/TS-280G.jpg) saxophone.
I had a good half an hour blowing away, well into lunch time, to the point where I decided I'd had enough.
As I was pulling the [mouth piece](http://www.abi.co.nz/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/Otto-Link-Hard-Rubber-Tenor-Sax-Mouthpiece.jpg) off I was inspecting the horn and noticed how grimy the whole thing was.
I thought that it'd be pretty cool of me to give the thing a little clean.
I took the [reed](http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/65/Saxophone_reeds-alto,_tenor.jpeg) off and cleaned the mouthpiece - inside and out - and put it back in its slot. I then removed the [crook](http://vintagemartinguitar.net/files/2010/11/-83141705664004441.jpg).
The [crook of an Alto saxophone is straight](http://www.wwr.co.uk/products/i/large__YNA66.jpg). [The crook of a tenor saxophone has a slight bend in it](http://vintagemartinguitar.net/files/2010/11/-83141705664004441.jpg). I disregarded the bend.
I dropped the little metal weight into the bottom and shook until it fell out the mouthpiece end. Then I pulled. It started ok, even better than when I clean my alto. As I pulled it more, it got harder to pull. I should have stopped. I peered into the crook and could clearly see the cloth, "It's almost there". I gave one last pull and it stopped. It wouldn't move, at all. I sat and tried for ten more minutes until I decided I was just making it worse. I conceded to my failure and put it in the case. I put the case behind to other horns on a bottom shelf.
When I got home I emailed the teacher and told him I would be buying a new one for them.
He told me to remember shit happens and to make sure it was irreparable before buying a new one.
Boy was that embarrassing.
FlyingFire44: If you are thinking of buying a new sax you should get what you want. I personally like tenors because the key is easy to transpose on. I also prefer the sound of a tenor. I own two altos one is a complete peice of shit but it works my other is a nickle plated selmer which is pretty good. Selmers are good price and sound pretty good. I would also invest in a good mouth piece it will make playing sound better and easier. I play on a metal mouth piece on my tenor because I primarily use my tenor for jazz. Metal mouth pieces make it easier to hit altissimo notes. If you are really serious about playing for a good amount of time to come then I say buy a new sax but if not and you're only going to play for a few more years don't bother wasting your money on a sax you'll only use for a years.
blobber109: Oh I'm going to be playing sax until my fingers seize up from arthritis (sad face).
What I think I'll do is get a good (really good) mouthpiece for my alto, (also new ligature), then get a new Tenor or Baritone.
The only reason I would choose a baritone over the tenor is because its a whole different style of playing than the one with which I am used to on the alto. With the Bari I'd be accompanying people more and hence playing in a group, (which I would love).
I do love the way the tenor sounds, and it looks beautiful.
FlyingFire44: I have a friend that plays baritone a lot and she says that after a while it gets really boring because the peices are really easy
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1399047429 | 1399309358 | t3_24juts | t5_2to41 | 47 | Src4mblerr: Tifu by purchasing concert tickets on Craigslist
So i have been looking for concert tickets for a while now. They were averaging $200-300 on eBay and other ticket resale websites. I looked on Craigslist and saw a deal for $75 a ticket for four tickets. I jumped on the deal, met with the guy last night and he gave me the tickets and the proof of purchase. I looked closer at the tickets after the transaction took place and noticed that he had given me five tickets. The barcode numbers were duplicated for two of the tickets. I tried making contact with him again but he wouldn't respond. I wanted to give him the extra ticket back.
Now i feel like i may have been scammed. I'm waving bye bye to $300. I wont know if the tickets are legit until May 16th for the concert.
Burney1: Yes you will, you can take them to the box office and find out. Call the venue. Why would you wait until the night of to find out if you got screwed?
BTW, odds are they ARE fake, he just gave you an extra fake. And you won't get your money back. Life lesson learned. That is what this sub is for.
Src4mblerr: I called Ticketmaster. They said that some tickets do have duplicated barcode numbers. I am feeling better about it.
| 3 | 15.666667 | |
1399060683 | 1409225863 | t3_24kghm | t5_2to41 | 44 | trezegol: TIFU by submitting 2 assignments with a high rate of plagiarism.
Well, they were not submitted today, but today our marks came out... everyone apart mine. I emailed them, and they stated that sometimes marks may be delayed due to suspected plagiarism.
I relaxed, as I had checked my assignments with viper, a plagiarism detection program, and both came less than 10%, plus I provided the links when I copied(mostly in my own words) from somewhere.
Just in case, I decided to check with turn it in , a program that I came to know about today. 26%, and 35%. Im going to die.
Now Im waiting to hear from them. Im an idiot.
buffalog: So what happened?
trezegol: Actually just received a reply from the university today (note the efficiency). They are investigating, and what could happen is either just a warning or at most they invalidate the assignment, since it is my first offense. We ll see what happens
buffalog: Well that's just typical of a uni. Three months to reply? Jesus. Either way, good luck. I hope it goes well
trezegol: Thank you mate . I hope it does too.
buffalog: In all honesty, I don't think it'll come to the worst case scenario. Unless they specifically asked you to upload your papers onto Turnitin prior to your submission, you can say that you were well within the limits on your papers.
| 6 | 7.333333 | |
1399073552 | 1399148367 | t3_24l05w | t5_2to41 | 455 | [deleted]: TIFU by asking an armless girl if she needed a hand
So I was leaving a building today and there was this girl who only had one arm trying to get through the doors. She was carrying a big stack of books and seemed to be struggling, so I stepped over and without thinking, asked, "Do you need a hand?" as I opened the door for her. I knew by the way she looked at me that she caught it, but neither of us said anything.
thisoneoptimistic: Yo. As a dude with one hand, I can almost guarantee that she didn't take it like that...until you got awkward and looked guilty about it.
Just be chill people.
ThegreatPee: High five!?
thisoneoptimistic: I can do those ya know. I have one hand, I'm not completely 'armless.
ThegreatPee: I just down voted myself. That was just bad.
thisoneoptimistic: I'd give you a hand for your appealing humility, but uh...
acealeam: Never give up your high-fives
| 7 | 65 | |
1399072145 | 1399262916 | t3_24ky98 | t5_2to41 | 85 | LongboardOwl: TIFU by getting a 200 dollar haircut
So I am 14. I am also female. I went to get a haircut and peekaboo highlights, but the hairdresser up priced it and it was supposed to be around 90 dollars, which is a bunch of money but it's ok because I rarely get a haircut., but it turned out to be 200 dollars because the hairdresser bitch put highlights everyfuckingwhere and I feel like absolute shit. Shit with 200 dollar hair. And this is a TIFU instead of TMFU because I could have stopped her.
Fuck everything.
superluke: Pics? We'll be the judge of everyfuckingwhere.
PM_ME_YOUR_THIGHS: Why do you want pics of a 14 year old girl? Don't say for "confirmation"
We both know that you have ulterior motives here.
[deleted]: For le science
PM_ME_YOUR_THIGHS: Sooooo, You also want pictures of a 14 year old girl?
[deleted]: Nah, I was just mocking the inevitable 'for science of course' comments that always appear in threads like these.
PM_ME_YOUR_THIGHS: yeeeah, riiiiight sure you were
| 7 | 12.142857 | |
1398936908 | 1399100782 | t3_24fzm6 | t5_2to41 | 15 | ritzygypsy: TIFU by being a stickler for rules
This actually happened a while ago, but I just found this subreddit yesterday.
Anyway, I used to work at a consignment store. We were located about a mile from the county jail, half a mile from the nearest trailer park, and about a mile from the Pine Crest motel, where people used to rent rooms our for cooking meth and partying with hookers. Needless to say, we had a problem with theft. This was, in part, due to being understaffed (usually only one person per shift in the whole store) and having the dressing rooms on the opposite side of the store from the cash register with lots of clothing racks and displays in between, so it was hard to see back there.
To combat this, we started making people check in before they changed clothes. We counted how many items someone had before going into the changing room, then counted them again when they came out. We had several fluorescent signs hanging up all over the place stating our policy, but people used to duck into the room all the time anyway, which meant I had to wait by the dressing room and inspect people's bags when they left. They hated it. I hated it.
So one day, after having to check about fifteen people's bags, I saw yet another woman go into the changing room without checking in. UGH! Not again! It was the end of the day, I was tired, and I stomped up the stairs like an asshole, and when the lady finally came out of the room, I said, "Hey, you're supposed to check in with me first! Jesus! Didn't you see the sign!?"
Well, no. She hadn't, I soon realized, when I looked at her face and saw her weird, grey-ish eyes rolling around in her sockets all kinds of crazy directions because she was blind. Blind. Like, super blind. She had not seen the signs, obviously, and I was such a dick.
(but her daughter, who was helping her shop, must have seen them, right?)
VioletValkyrie: Yup! You didn't know, she was far enough away that you couldn't see and you were just doing your job. Like you said, she had someone with her and she should have helped her to abide by the rules.
People like you keep retail store shrink low and are the reason for good audits. It is also pretty damn funny.
ritzygypsy: Thanks! It's funny now, but I felt like a total ass at the time!
| 3 | 5 | |
1399078002 | 1399095036 | t3_24l5zo | t5_2to41 | 31 | Kingsgirl: TIFU by "hiding" the car keys
Well, I fucked up. I leave for work before my husband so I don't take the car keys with me, they stay at home and he drives to and from work, I carpool for mine.
So this morning I did a little grocery shopping and picked up coffee for us. Then I went about my merry way and left for work. Important note: I left 15~ minutes before my husband was due to leave.
So I get home tonight and *the car is still there.* Oh, fuck. It turns out that I left the car keys in a less-than-obvious place and my husband didn't find them, or didn't look. Or both maybe. He is going to be livid tonight and it's my own fault for not putting the keys in front of him before I left.
:(
I am going to go and pick him up when he finishes, but I don't think it will make his day any better.
Diarygirl: Hey, I don't think this is your fuck-up entirely. If they were at home, unless it was someplace really weird, he should have been able to find them. I'm guessing you don't have a cell phone so he couldn't call you and ask.
I was struck by you saying it's your fault for not putting the keys in front of him and that he'd be angry after, what, eight, nine hours? What did he have to go through to get to work? Was it a major headache or a mild inconvenience?
Kingsgirl: He had to walk (well, run - by the time he gave up on finding the keys he would have been super late otherwise), it's only a couple miles so it's not that big a deal except that he has insane blisters from breaking in his new work boots. He was only 10 minutes late after all the stress.
He wasn't angry by the time I picked him up, and he was grateful he didn't have to walk home :) Usually I do lay out his keys/wallet/whatever for the day so it's my own fault for breaking routine, but also his for not being a functioning adult.
Diarygirl: Well, there you go, "functioning adult." I'm asking seriously, does he have some kind of disability? If he does, he shouldn't be driving, and if not, you're coddling him.
Kingsgirl: He's a veteran, he just is super stiff in the mornings, it makes moving around kind of shitty for him.
| 5 | 6.2 | |
1399083849 | 1399094010 | t3_24ld9m | t5_2to41 | 12 | Milehighhusker: TIFU By trying to use my car remote on my work badge reader to get in the building...
Bwjjwb: "It could be worse. A woman could cut off your penis while you're sleeping and toss it out the window of a moving car."
holymother: This is a good point. Never thought about it til now.
| 3 | 4 | |
1399083794 | 1399130168 | t3_24ld72 | t5_2to41 | 1,006 | minhtan_93: TIFU and had cops pull their guns on me
First off, this is a while ago, but it was pretty bad fuck-up. I discovered a new hobby a while back; airguns. It seemed like a perfect way to satisfy my desire to shoot stuff, while keeping cost and hassles down. Or so i thought.
One day, after saving up around $500, I purchased a gorgeous air rifle online. When it came, i unboxed it and without a thought, starting shooting cans and bottles in my backyard. I had a five-foot-tall hill in my backyard, and i used that as a backdrop (in case any pellet went astray, it would just dig into the hill instead). It seemed to me at the time harmless fun.
And then out of nowhere, I saw a cop approaching in my general direction, his hand on his pistol holster, looking cautious. He hadn't seen me yet, but I had a sickening feeling in my gut. I hurried and laid the rifle down inside my house, wondering frantically if the police came for me. As I put the rifle down, the cop knocked on the door, with his pistol drawn. I cautiously answered. He said he got reports of a guy firing of his rifle in his backyard, at this address. There was no point in lying: he saw the rifle behind me and quickly told me to sit down with my hands in the air. I was scared shitless: one moment i was calibrating my rifle, the next i had a cop with his weapon drawn on me in my own home.
It turned out that in the state of MD, It's illegal to fire an airgun ( or a BB gun) within 1000 ft of any residence. That's where i fucked up, i didn't think to do research on the law before i dropped $500 for an air gun.
More cops came, thinking it was a real rifle that fired. After they found out it was just an air gun, they eased up a bit, but I still got charged and my air rifle was confiscated.
TL;DR: Do research about EVERYTHING before doing something.
devilboy222: I had no idea there were laws like that against airguns anywhere. Seems kind of unreasonable, considering they can't do any significant damage to anything. Sounds like you were being cautious enough about it anyways.
Nomiss: >Seems kind of unreasonable, considering they can't do any significant damage to anything.
Can do as much or more damage than a .22.
They can have 500fps more muzzle velocity than a .22
DeathHaze420: Its an airsoft gun. Not a pellet gun.
Nomiss: Keep telling yourself that, air rifles are better than a .22 and that was what OP was firing.
Who the fuck would spend 500 on a toy?
DeathHaze420: I was talking about an airsoft rifle. I realize now that the op is talking about a pellet gun that shoots over 495 fps.
Nomiss: OP has an air rifle... which shoots at 1600fps... I can see where you fucked up
You don't pay 500 for a shitty plastic shooter.
DeathHaze420: Up here in the great (relatively speaking) white north I would need my firearms possession and acquisition license (PAL) to buy an airrifle that shoots faster than 495 fps.
So I would almost have to go out of my way to fuck up in op's fashion.
Nomiss: I'm an Aussie, so your state regulations don't mean much since buying an air rifle being more powerful than a .22 doesn't mean much to your funny fuck shit that you yankies do.
At note air rifles can be had at 1900 fps.
DeathHaze420: I'm Canadian, yo. COMMONWEALTH UNITE!
I have to get my firearm license to get a .22 or a air rifle. With those laws only an idiot would buy a high powered air rifle when they can get a .22 for a fraction of the price.
Nomiss: If you think that, you have never fired a .222 or a .308 to eradicate vermin... Some things that large and are vermin just need to be dropped.
DeathHaze420: Wtf are you talking about? If I was going to kill vermin I would use the gun suited for the job.
But if I'm getting my PAL and my FIRST rifle I'm not going to drop $1,600 on a high powered air rifle when I can get a 10/22 for $300.
Nomiss: Get a .22 hornet.
Its cheap and you can reload the rounds. Just like a .222
Nomiss: I wasn't saying an air rifle was good, I was just saying it compares to a .22 if you don't buy a cheap one. If you're withing 40m.
DeathHaze420: I wasn't saying they aren't good either lol I was saying the price difference between a 1,200 fps air rifle and a .22 rifle here is ridiculous to the point that only serious shooters would invest in them.
Nomiss: Air Rifles can get 2100 fps... would you like to comment again? It's a shame .22 can only get 1200 fps..
DeathHaze420: An air rifle that shoots 1,200 fps here is roughly $900
A good one that shoots 2,100 would go for $3,000
A Ruger 10/22 is $349.97
Nomiss: Put your caliber in, and I wouldn't is so funny. or you wanting to make a $$ for doing nothing.
| 18 | 55.888889 | |
1399078373 | 1399100892 | t3_24l6h6 | t5_2to41 | 146 | broncosfan150: TIFU by getting in 2 car accidents.
I have had my license for a little less than a year now, and have not had any accidents. I was coming home from my friends house and wasn't paying attention and hit a car. There wasn't any damage to either car but the woman started to bitch about her neck and something about a chiropractor. The worse part is I gave her my information without getting any of hers. Latter I was going to my friends house and my dad called so I tried to answer, and ran into my friends car putting a huge dent in my car, and we had to push my car to the side of the road.
TIFU by getting in 2 car accidents.
Highriderr: You are operating an approximately 2 ton hunk of steel at high speeds. Pay attention or you'll kill somebody. If you can't, quit driving. Two in one day is inexcusable, especially when both were because you weren't paying attention. I get you are new to driving, but that's no excuse. So many people downplay the responsibility of driving. What if you ran up a sidewalk and ran someone over? How would you live with yourself knowing your stupidity took a life? Phones go in the glovebox, leave them alone until you get where you're going or pull over.
Edit: I know you know you fucked up, I just had to rant. I'm a biker and today I had a young teenager on a phone almost take me out at highway speeds. After I dodged her, I threw my hands up, honked my horn, revved it up, and she still didn't notice me. I was just cruising around anyway, no place to be, so I followed her and pulled up next to her at a light. Tapped on her window and as politely as possible asked her to pay more attention because she could have killed me. Her reply? " It's supposed to rain, why are you even on a motorcycle? " So I'm extremely biased, but regardless, everyone on the road is taking everyone else's lives in their hands. Driving is a huge responsibility and your inattention could have taken someone else's loved ones away from them. I hope this was a wake up call for you.
DoupDarnell: Damn. You seem like a nice guy but after that you shoulda told that cunt off
Highriderr: I wanted to soooo bad but it wouldn't have accomplished anything. I've been known for my road rage in the past, and if this was a couple years ago I would have just smashed her window (edit: side mirror, not window. I wasn't THAT stupid) and sped off. But that doesn't help. Most of the time if I follow them and politely point out what they did, people apologize and say they will start being more careful. But when you respond with anger, it just make people dig in with their beliefs and sets a bad example of the "asshole hooligan" stereotype people have of riders. You know, "How dare they lecture me! It wasn't my fault, he was probably going way too fast, that's why I didn't see him!"
Instead, I just said "What?" and gave her the "what the fuck? Are you a complete idiot?" look (You know, squinty eyes, slight head shake) until the light changed and then slammed the front of my helmet closed and put as much distance between us as I could. In a while, she'll grow up and realize how easily she could kill somebody by not paying attention. Or, she won't and no amount of lecturing can fix stupid, so why bother?
tonysbeard: Damn what a bitch! I hate reckless drivers and people who drive distracted. But i hate people who can't own up to their mistakes even more
| 5 | 29.2 | |
1399079760 | 1399856397 | t3_24l88s | t5_2to41 | 25 | xiaden: TIFU by entering a never ending cycle.
About 9pm last night I decideded to be a bit proactive, and set up for today. Walk out to my car, intent on grabbing a monster from the gas station 3 minutes away, when I notice my gas lights on. Grab my wallet, and notice my bank card isn't in it. Fuck. Tear the house apart looking for this POS magic card that lets me put gasoline in my car. I knew I wouldn't have time in the morning to deal with this, so I absolutely HAD to find it. 2 AM rolls around and I'm still looking. Tore through literally everything. 3:30, Apparently I had PARKED MY CAR on top of this card. Get gas, go to work in a state of necrosis. Get home, realize I'm out of cigarettes (I know, I'm the least healthy person on the planet). Check my wallet, and there is no bank card. Check everywhere. Would blow it off, but I need to have it for lunch/dinner tomorrow. I swear to god I'm being fucked with, I have never misplaced this card until yesterday.
rinthedrowpriestess: Punch a hole in it and make it into an earring.
(Did you ever find it?)
xiaden: Yeah, I found it. At like midnight :/
My roommate has to be fucking with me, I found it underneath the TV in the living room.
simpleassthat: Wait...UNDERNEATH the tv? Someone's fuckin with you. Lol
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1399088153 | 1399125230 | t3_24lijd | t5_2to41 | 366 | jfbskaa: TIFU by kissing my SO mother on the mouth
Throwaway just because
So today I was saying goodbye to my SO parents, and when I was going to kiss her mother on the cheek she turned her head (as to kiss my cheek) and our lips touched. I was pretty embarrassed and just have that stupid embarassad-laugh, shooked her fathers hand, kisses her, and got out of there.
It's been five hours and I can't stop thinking about it. Gah
Edit: it might've come off as if I enjoyed it. I didn't. It was and is extremely awkward
Edit2: after reading some responses, I think y'all need therapy lol
far_from_ohk: How does she look?
jfbskaa: Like my so
CorneliusHelius: Niiiice.
Danilolc: Threesome! Threesome! Threesome!
GullibleGenius: Kind sir, it is referred to as a sportsman's double.
| 6 | 61 | |
1399090808 | 1399134702 | t3_24llks | t5_2to41 | 145 | mognut: TIFU by burning things in my bathroom
So this happened 2 days ago,
So basically how it happened was my fiance places scent candles in the bathroom to keep it smelling nice. I was getting ready to go out and i was spraying on deodorant and thaught it would be funny to spray the deodorant on the candle. It created a little puff of flame and i laughed and did it a few more times. So i then decided to spray a little more. well all of it caught the flame this time, woosh a big flame shot out and started buring some containers on the side and started to melt them and the wall so i quickly splashed some water on it to dous it. So now my wall is black and the containers are melted.
So dont play with flame in a bathroom
SSPPAAMM: >So dont play with flame in a bathroom
How about: So don't play with flames anywhere.
ChanceBuckman: How about no fun ever while we're at it
SSPPAAMM: As a father of two I totally agree.
| 4 | 36.25 | |
1399086813 | 1399319934 | t3_24lgyl | t5_2to41 | 52 | ryanstarbucks: TIFU by being a jerk to a kid with 1 leg
So I went to a State Latin Day event for my high school latin class. At this event, we had to wear togas, which are difficult to walk in if it was tight like mine. So I get to a set of stairs, and without realizing there was a kid with one leg right in front of me, I say, "oh no, stairs! My one weakness". He turned around and glared at me, and I felt absolutely awful. Of course I apologized to him, and he said not to worry about it since he kinda thought it was funny, but oh my gosh did I feel like a jerk.
Lucarian: I don't see how you fucked up, you weren't even talking about/to him?
NefastVoltaire: I guess the kid is sensitive.
Voyager5555: Come on, he doesn't have a leg to stand on getting offended over something like that.
NefastVoltaire: Xa...xaxaxa.... xaa....
Now I feel sad about my prosthetic.
| 5 | 10.4 | |
1399087959 | 1399173843 | t3_24licf | t5_2to41 | 86 | ReeceAW11: TIFU by bleeding all over a girl.
Hello, my fellow fuck ups.
Today, I fucked up. So this girl I am kinda friends with, at least a 7 or 8, lost a friend last night. He was a mutual friend of ours, so I was feeling pretty shitty too. She was really really upset, and she saw me so she ran up to me and hugged me and started crying. She has a white shirt on, a shirt she got at a concert and I'm pretty sure it's signed. So her and I are hugging, etc etc, she's crying, I kinda am too, I didn't notice... my damn nose started bleeding. A LOT. So when she lets go, she looks at me with a weird facial expression, then another guy came running over with a box of tissues, and said, "*Hey man did you know your nose is bleeding a shit load?*" I looked at the back of her shirt... About a 4 fucking inch diameter splotch of my blood on her shoulder. Jesus christ. She kinda started panicking, and then another girl came over to hug her and she said "*I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD HUG ME, REECE JUST BLED ALL OVER ME*". The girl I bled on then went to change and I didn't see her again at all today. I feel pretty... dumb. Lol. Thank you for letting me vent today's stupidity.
**TL;DR** I bleed all over a grieving friend's white shirt and make her panic.
SometimesRhymes: Is your life a Japanese manga?
ReeceAW11: Aaaahaha. I lol'd.
| 3 | 28.666667 | |
1399093468 | 1399132201 | t3_24lof8 | t5_2to41 | 18 | tubahero: Tifu by killing a fish.
I was at seal point or something in Monterey Bay. My friends and I had just concluded several hours of tanning, exploring, and some ultimate friz. Things went awry when we were walking back towards the cars and I saw a shadow glide past me and felt something hit me in the shoulder. I thought "oh great a bird just did a fly by on me." I looked down and warm surprised to see a small black fish convulsing wildly at my feet! It was at this point I started to put the pieces together, as I suspect you have by now. The shadow belonged to a crow who had accidentally dropped his early dinner on my shoulder. The crow was now perched about twenty feet away on a tree watching me and the fish intently. One of my friends heroically grabbed the frisbee from me and scooped the fish up onto it. Galvanized by his actions I grabbed the disc and began to look around. We were on a plateau surrounded by ocean on three sides. The only problem was that there was about a thirty foot cliff down to the beach and then fifteen feet if beach between me and the water. I decided that since I have pretty long arms and the added length of the frisbee I could make it. I ran to the edge of the cliff and wound up like never before. I threw the fishy with all my might toward the water. To my utter dismay, it landed about four inches from the water. But hey! There was a wave coming in! All hope was not lost. I watched in horror as the wave came up short and receded. By this time the crow that had been watching this whole time had swept off the tree branch and down to the beach, picked up the fish and flew away. Every time I think about it I get sad. I just wanted to get this off my chest.
alexmcpad1827: when i saw the title i have to say i thought of this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TQKk99I3wTQ
tubahero: Yeah. I guess I didn't Mrs up as bad as that guy.
| 3 | 6 | |
1399057177 | 1399124189 | t3_24kar2 | t5_2to41 | 21 | alanram: TIFU by thinking I was cool enough to ride through water.
This happened a couple of weeks ago.
First off I want to clarify that this isn't about damaging a car by driving it through water.
This is about the greenway that I ride my bike through in my town. This bike/jog trail is paved but most of it sits about 10 feet away from the river that divides this town. Well, there had been some storms taking place a few towns upriver and by the time the water made its way down to the trail I already had my mind set on destroying my best time; also, my wife was riding her bike with me. I cross a wooden bridge thats part of the trail and we see that the upcoming bend is underwater (probably a foot and a half of water) for about 100 feet. Now, I've made my way through long stretches of water before but I guess they were just shallower in comparison to this beast. I start making my way through it with a little modified stroke of the pedals so as to keep my shoes dry. I made it! Now my wife is still waiting at the "shore" of this giant puddle and I'm trying to convince her to follow exactly what I did so that we could continue on with our trek. She decides she won't make it.
This is where I fucked up. Instead of being a good husband and going back to where my lady was and possibly finding an alternate route (there are a few road that lead into this greenway as it stretches for a good three miles). There I was being a doucher and pretty much forcing her to reach me and she decides to walk her bike around the edge of the trail where theres a shoulder of dirt, leaves and roots that high enough to keep you out of the water. She ends up getting her bike caught in some vines, tries to pick it up and fucks her back up in the process. The worst part about it was that I got mad at her for it before realizing the gigantic piece of shit I was.
I went back later and failed gloriously as I attempted and even deeper pool of water further up the trail. Got halfway through, lost my balance and ended up having to ride through about 150 feet of dark river water that's known for housing cottonmouths.
[This](http://imgur.com/gallery/PRQyzJ0/new) is from a couple of thunderstorms that happened in town a few days ago. It's more water than during my TIFU but it's almost the same setting. Trail bends to the left right after passing that wooden sign. Wife succumbed to my stupidity here.
antsinpantaloons: Damn that's beautiful.
The picture, not your fuckup.
alanram: It really is very beautiful going through it when the weather is nice, lots of nature to look at. Lots of turtles in the river. Lots of people not fucking up.
| 3 | 7 | |
1399099607 | 1399228689 | t3_24lu66 | t5_2to41 | 36 | [deleted]: TIFU by punching a girl in the face
So here I am, drunken asshole leaving the bar.
I see my friend, "Oh shit, it's X!"
He's with a girl.
Try to football tackle him, one arm on one side of his body, the other on the other side of his body
My right arm punches his girl in the face
god dammit.
fuck.
I walked home with my head in my hands.
PS: still drunk.
Gamerguy_141297: Anybody else read the last line as "Walked home with her head in my hands?"
kakakrabbypatty: Or my head in her hands?
| 3 | 12 | |
1399103996 | 1399398686 | t3_24lxdj | t5_2to41 | 55 | ricnus: TIFU by trying to stop my diarrhoea
So this is not exactly today, but I did find out today how I fucked up.
I have recently been experiencing some diarrhoea (would later find out that I had a bug). Being the smart man I am I thought that it would be a great idea to get into eating healthy food to help fix this. Did not research anything before I went shopping and just had a bit of a snoop around.
When I was shopping dried fruit caught my eye and I thought that of course fruit is good for you, I will but some of that. Now these bags were an assortment and I may add that I loved it all, but in particular the dried prunes.
Now I have never been a huge fruit eater, and I cannot ever remember eating prunes before. With discovering this awesome new food I went right out and bought only dried prunes, bags and bags of dried prunes... and basically only ate them for the next week...
By this stage you can probably see how I am not a smart man, I can promise you that I am, even though you have absolutely no evidence to support that, and actually evidence to support that not being true.
Now, by yesterday with the diarrhoea not becoming any better and in fact I swear it had gotten worse I knew that I needed to see a doctor. When I got to the doctor they went through all the usual question, including how well am I eating. I immediately answer with a huge grin on my face (yes, definitely a huge grin, I remember this because soon I will feel this grin feel heavy and will turn into the face of confusion), and said to the affect of, "I have been eating greatly, just found this new fruit called prunes, never knew why I had never heard of them before! I bought them to help me eat better and help with the diarrhoea."
Her face turned into the face that you would give to a child who just filled their ass with quick set expanding foam (which is accurate because I feel that, that is only a stones throw away from what I have done, but atleast the foam would actually work...). She then burst into laughing and said that I had best be joking.
At this stage I was confused, but she explained that they actually recommend giving prune juice to children who come in constipated.
After being home, and not eating any more prunes, I have started looking up prunes and there is a lot of jokes made in cartoons and other popular culture that reference the fact that prunes make you crap easier.
These prunes would not have made my diarrhoea so much worse, but they really, really did not help.
**tl;dr:** Tried to get rid of diarrhoea by eating better, found a new fruit called prunes and went to town on them for a week.
Procrastinationist: 1. Prunes are dried plums, like how raisins are dried grapes. Wanted to clarify since you kept calling them "dried prunes" and said you discovered a "new fruit."
2. How did you miss that?? I thought it was common knowledge that old people eat prunes to help them poop.
violentdeepfart: I am amazed almost daily by what people on reddit don't know.
CupricWolf: He's one of the 10000 that day
| 4 | 13.75 | |
1399138022 | 1399208182 | t3_24msjf | t5_2to41 | 1,322 | embarassmenttt: TIFU by peeing in the bed of the guy I really liked
Had a few drinks, had some sexy times, and then passed right on out. He woke me up to drive me home, and I realized I had pissed his bed. Well there goes that. DAMMIT SELF!
Badgerfest: He might be OK with this, certainly I wouldn't dump a girl for that sort of accident.
I would avoid plying her with booze in the future though.
embarassmenttt: He woke me up to take me home...I apologized profusely but he didn't say anything. Which is too bad, because he hit everything on my 'list' of what would constitute a perfect guy for me.
Blue942: Hey, it is probably fine. Go do something again, if he agrees, then it doesn't matter.
embarassmenttt: I doubt that will happen as per his response. I'll survive, it's just fuxking embarrassing.
PfcGusto: If it's any consolation I have been thrown up on by this one girl I kinda had a thing for. Still talked to her, almost ended up dating her till she went full crazy and dove off the deep end. You would be surprised how much shit (piss?) most guys would put up with if they like you even a little.
AMorpork: There's a bit of a difference though. I've had a guy throw up on me, and while I was immediately pissed there was really no harm no foul. Pissing a bed pretty much ruins the bed. It's not that forgiveness wouldn't be in the cards, it would just take a lot longer since beds are significant investments.
PfcGusto: I get that, I definitely do. But if somebody does something like this on accident, and they are sincerely sorry for it and apologize. I would forgive them in a heartbeat. If it were something really bad maybe an hour lol.
AMorpork: For sure. I'd eventually forgive them, but I'd definitely need some time to simmer down. Maybe I'd just be super-sensitive since I literally got my new mattress yesterday.
PfcGusto: Oh my god yes then, that would be frustrating. I have had mine for a year or so, so at least I can say that its had a good run.
AMorpork: Yeah, a year is a good amount of time. I tend to ride my mattresses to the grave to be honest; I think the one I had before that had a 3 year life span.
PfcGusto: I think that's pretty normal though, only got a new one because I had to move into a new place.
AMorpork: I guess I've really never asked anybody else how often they replace their mattresses.
tammerlian: ill be honest mine is like 15 years old
AMorpork: I know they make some super-high quality mattresses. If it works for you, no reason to replace it.
That being said, I can't imagine the smells it has had the opportunity to absorb over 15 years. You could soak it, squeeze it out, and make a terrible soup that the French may enjoy.
krustywazoo: I've had mine for about 15 years, too. It isn't stinky in the slightest. It's still amazingly comfortable. I'll imagine I'll use it until I have to upsize.
AMorpork: I didn't mean it was stinky, I meant what smells it has absorbed. No matter how clean you keep your mattress, it's going to absorb every single smell out of the air deep into its cotton.
What kind of mattress is it that it's comfy after 15 years? I'm always looking for a nice bed after my current one.
krustywazoo: > I didn't mean it was stinky, I meant what smells it has absorbed.
I'm not sure what the difference is. I'll admit I'm not much up on mattresses or whatever.
It's a Sealy mattress. The sticker on it is pretty warn, so I couldn't find the actual line or whatever. It says "3000" on it, so I presume that's the line. It's a posturepedic one, in any event. So, yeah, I'd recommend that.
| 18 | 73.444444 | |
1399154458 | 1399232425 | t3_24nfpw | t5_2to41 | 28 | getjazzywithme: TIFU by accidentally telling my mom about my dad's affair
April19872006: Is it an ongoing affair? If so how long? Or like he messed up once type thing.
two4ten99: OP literally states they've known for years.
i_pk_pjers_i: Right but that's not what that person asked, they asked if it happened once or if it was continuous, not how long ago was it.
two4ten99: OP has stated it's been going on since middle school.
i_pk_pjers_i: They've stated that they've KNOWN since middle school, perhaps it was a one night stand that they found out about in middle school and it never happened again since then? OP was not very specific, I don't know how you got that out of what OP typed.
two4ten99: Just the impression that I got. No big deal, right?
| 7 | 4 | |
1399154765 | 1399393455 | t3_24ng4w | t5_2to41 | 6 | matty555: TIFU by not having a safe fireplace.
This was a few weeks ago, but fuck the police.
______
I was just sitting at home, relaxing near the fireplace, with a laptop on my lap.
Everything's fine, until the smoke alarm went off.
I was confused, because there was absolutely no sign of any smoke. That is, until i turned the dining room light on.
Then i saw smoke, just casually floating around above the dinner table.
Naturally, i freaked the fuck out and dialed 911. Then i got the fuck out of there.
So then i was sitting on a plastic chair, on the patio, at 10:00 at night, freezing my ass off, and watching the smoke in my poor house becoming more and more opaque.
After some time, the firemen came and i was led to an ambulance to defrost my numb-ass feet. I must've been in there for hours, yet it felt like mere minutes of me looking out the front window at my house, wondering what will become of it.
Now, here's where it gets real bad...
After a small amount of time of me being in the ambulance, another ambulance showed up and parked in my driveway. This confused me, because I didn't live with anybody or have any pets, but later i was talked to by some of the firemen that went in.
Turn out the flame was in the closet BEHIND the fireplace ([Diagram here](http://i.imgur.com/WUMYtwY.jpg)) because apparantly, there was some sort of weak spot in the thin brick wall that seperated the two and the fire *burnt through it.*
The fire must've got to the ceiling and weakened it, because the grandfather clock on the next floor **fell through the ceiling and hit a fireman** ***right in the head.***
So then i was sitting there, paralized, wondering if i would have to pay for his medical bill. Did that count as assault? Could i end up in court, or worse, prison!?
I know this fuck-up wasn't *really* my fault, but... Damn.
I fucked up **hard**.
DynamicSquarez: If you cant do the time, dont do the crime.
[deleted]: What was his crime here? Your comment doesn't make sense.
EDIT: I'm dumb.
skatterbug: http://i.imgur.com/qmsFcvI.gif
gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/FoolishCreamyHoopoe](http://gfycat.com/FoolishCreamyHoopoe)
---
^(GIF size: 1.97 MiB) ^| ^(GFY size:116.00 kiB) ^| [^(~ About)](http://www.reddit.com/r/gfycat/comments/1u5df2/made_a_gfy_bot_for_reddit_in_ruby_meet_ugfy_bot/)
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1399159623 | 1399202590 | t3_24nmjm | t5_2to41 | 54 | nomorealcoholiguess: TIFU by drinking too much and waking up in a hospital
A friend of a friend was throwing a party at his place. Since our mutual friend couldn't come, the host was the only other person there I knew, but I had nothing else planned for the evening so I decided to go anyways. It was a great party overall. They had a fantastic place, with beer pong in the kitchen, barbecue on the balcony and a hookah in the living room. There were also a ton of people and I didn't know a single person, but I got along great with them, introducing myself and chatting here and there - I had a real blast.
... at least as far as I remember. Apparently at some point, the combined alcohol of all the drinks and beers I had that evening really hit me, because the next thing I remember is waking up in a hospital. They let me shower, and afterwards handed me a bag that had "Name: unknown" written on it and contained my clothes. I left my phone and wallet at the party, so they couldn't check who I was and had me answer a few questions about my person. Finally, they gave me a written report and let me go.
When I went back to the apartment to get my stuff, one of the hosts told me a bit more about the ending of the party. Apparently I puked all over their bathtub, and then proceeded to lay around yelling on their floor, so they called an ambulance. They gave me some shot, slapped me a few times (I don't know, to... wake me up?) and took me with them. That was around 6 AM, which is interesting because my last memory of the evening is asking for the time at around 4 - which means there were approximately 2 hours where I was still functioning and partying, but of which I don't have any recollection.
I feel so incredibly ashamed and embarrassed. Something like this has never happened before. I have never blacked out from drinking, and I've never had any memory gaps either - hell, I never even puked because of alcohol before, and now I'm the fucking guy they put "drink responsibly" in the ads for. The whole situation seems to unreal to me that I can barely believe it - it's not something I would ever have expected. Today, I really fucked up.
zman0900: How's the butthole feeling? Loose and tender?
nomorealcoholiguess: Not particularly...? I don't get this comment. They just got me an IV, not give me an enema...
zman0900: Implying that someone could have had their way with you during those missing 2 hours.
nomorealcoholiguess: Quite the opposite, I'm more concerned that I could have come on too hard and creeped out a couple of girls at the party during that time...
| 5 | 10.8 | |
1399163221 | 1399491101 | t3_24nr7t | t5_2to41 | 14 | Hannah_Is_A_Gnome: TIFU by scooping poop out of my butt.
Well, it wasn't today -- it was a few years ago. Although I do not have anal sex, I read in numerous anal sex manuals that fecal matter is not stored in the rectum. One day, after having a wonderful deification, I stuck my finger up in my rectum. Guess what I felt? Poop. Lots of soft poop. I do not understand. Fully formed poop just came out of my anus, why is there soft poop chilling in my rectum? Ever since the incident, I have had a complex about my poop and rectum.
Now, after every time I poop, I hop in the shower and clean out my rectum with my fingers. There is usually a few teaspoons of poop. If I do not clean out my rectum, I do not leave the house and I feel dirty. There is close to no information on this subject. I do not know how common it is for poop to be stored in the rectum. Regardless, if my rectum is not sparkling, I'm going to have a shitty day.
TD;LR Poop in my butt is unacceptable and for years I have had to scoop it out.
ziukkinna: I call BS. There was an episode of Obsessed about this exact habit years ago.
Hannah_Is_A_Gnome: Really? Could I find it on YouTube or something? Link?
ziukkinna: S1E3 http://www.aetv.com/obsessed/video
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1399148846 | 1399174598 | t3_24n7ru | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by buying a comic book
This just happened, I just got home and this is one of those moment I will keep reliving in my head for the rest of my life.
Today is Free Comic Book Day, I'm not a really big fan of them, I probably read 2 online, but my girlfriend is. Since she was working all day I figured I might as well go get her something nice.
So here I was at the store looking for the free comic books, it was my first time in a comic book store so it was kind of cool seeing all these comics, unfortunately I overheard one of the employees saying that they were all out of free comics. It was around 3 o' clock in the afternoon, a little late to get there I later learned.
I decide to still buy my girlfriend something, so I start looking around, but I know nothing about comics that aren't Garfield. I ask the employee if they have anything similar to "Civil War" and "Blackest Night", 2 books I know she has read. One of them, "Civil War", she's read in novel form. We chat for a few minutes, talking about books and movies.
I tell him about the novel, he didn't even know there was a novel version of it! Then I figured: "Hey, might as well shit on his job, passion and hobby while I'm here!"
Of course that's not really what went through my head but it's I accomplished to do with what came next, I said: "Yeah haha, only words, no pictures like a big girl!"
I mean, it's not that bad right? The guy didn't seem too thrilled though, he got me a comic book, "X-Men vs. Avengers", looked cool enough. I grab it and head for the counter.
He punches in the price, 35$. I had no idea comic books could be so expensive! Maybe a little ignorant on my part but still, at this point I'm way too invested in this guy, so I buy it and walk out of the store.
teal deer; I bought a 35$ comic and shat on dream at the comic book store
UkuleleBaller: You spent $35 on a gift for your gf and you consider that a TIFU?
Darren_Carrigan: See my relationship TIFU was a few years back when i bought a kickass £190 ring for my then gf.
2 weeks later we were broken up (before i could give it to her on her birthday like planned)
upside: returning it financed my weekend of grieving/recovery.
| 3 | 5 | |
1399176094 | 1399861818 | t3_24o6js | t5_2to41 | 140 | frostflare713: TIFU by killing a pregnant spider and releasing its babies
My mom was in the backyard, when she tells me to come out. I do so, and she points out a large spider with bumps on its back. She wants me to kill it. Okay, I think. I'm not stepping on that thing with my slipper, so I take the next best thing available: a cinder block. The spider was near the wall, so i crush it against the wall. I didn't know it, but that spider was pregnant. Immediately, a swarm of spiders escape, and my mom starts screaming. I did too, and we both ran inside. Now, we probably just got arachnophobia.
religiousnephew: I did the same thing once, when I was like 13. I was wearing slip-on shoes, and I kicked what I thought was just a very fat spider. Suddenly it burst and I had what at the time seemed like thousands of baby spiders in my shoes, and even a few trying to crawl up my legs into my shorts.
degausser_: One time there was a huntsman in our house. If you don't know, huntsmen are those spiders that can have legspans up to the size of dinner plates. It was just chilling on the ceiling in the cornice piece (the curved part where the wall meets ceiling). Naturally I yelled for my dad. We'd see these things pretty regularly in the summer, so my dad would just trap them in a container and release them outside. Seeing as this bastard was in the cornice, though, that trick didn't work as normal. It ran out of the side of the container, bungeed off the ceiling, landed on my dad's leg and proceeded to crawl up his shorts. Never have I seen my father do such a hilarious jig. I shouldn't make fun, though...I was creeped out enough just seeing the thing.
johnsonsam: Does your father know that you are creeped out by his dancing?
insaneInsult: [Ah, the ol' reddit shoopdedoo](http://www.reddit.com/r/gaming/comments/24otfd/computer_games/ch9beq8?context=3)
ACreepyThrowaway: You bastard.. I was stuck in there for hours.
| 6 | 23.333333 | |
1399177016 | 1399397871 | t3_24o7lw | t5_2to41 | 34 | LiLiLisa27: TIFU by not checking the bus seat...
I am an occasional user of the public transportation system. As a college student, my ID gets me free unlimited rides throughout the entire year so I take advantage of it. The only downside is you have to put up with a lot of creepers and mentally disabled folk (not all of whom are bad, though).
My boyfriend and I went shopping before heading back to his place on the bus. We quickly took over the back row of seats so that we could spread out our shopping bags on them and keep them off the floor. There was a seat between us so I quickly scooted over to sit next to him without looking it over. It didn't take long for me to notice my upper thigh/butt was feeling cold. I immediately put my hand back there without thinking- just checking if someone had spilled water or if I was just imagining the cool feeling due to the bus windows being open. I realized my mistake as soon as my fingers touched something slimy. I could smell it before I saw my hand - I had sat in someone else's shit. Literally.
I was sooo disgusted and my boyfriend had to help me get it off my leg - thankfully I had just purchased feminine wipes at the store. The short shorts I was wearing beneath my dress had to be tossed as they got shit on them and there was no way in hell I was throwing that in the laundry with my other stuff. I could not get off the bus and into the shower fast enough.
carlbandit: How would you not smell that long before you sat down?
LiLiLisa27: It was a smear and it had dried since occurring. I didn't smell it until I had "stirred it up" with my leg for lack of a better phrase.
carlbandit: That really sucks. Guess I'll be more careful next time I'm sitting down on a bus now, just in case
CupricWolf: Or just don't sit. They do have handrails.
| 5 | 6.8 | |
1399178093 | 1399255702 | t3_24o8pk | t5_2to41 | 1,547 | ariz28: TIFU by peeing on my dog.
We have a ritual where we go into the backyard and pee together every morning. This morning he decided to not look up when he finished and he traveled under my stream. I tried my best to miss him but I was nearing the finish and didn't have enough pressure to go over him. I ended up peeing down his back. He stopped, turned around, and shot me this soul piercing stare. I don't think he trusts me anymore.
Im2c0oLx7: What I am wondering about is why the fuck do you go out and take a piss with your dog every morning?
dabisnit: Peeing outside is one of lifes greatest pleasures.
almighty_ruler: I work with a 39yr old, well call him a man, that has never once peed outside. He even went as far as to call the suggestion of such a thing "gross". True story.
drainoltx: City folks just don't get it!
almighty_ruler: Only problem is he grew up working on his granfathers farm too.
drainoltx: Fucking weirdo
almighty_ruler: There is no better way to describe him, nothing he does makes sense. He was raised ultra religious and homeschooled though too. Like his dad was the pastor and church was 20 people in the basement type of religious.
WPBDoc: Ultra-religious, homeschooler here....have pee'd outside ALL my life and taught my boys to do the same. Just saying.
almighty_ruler: Also out of curiosity how do you feel about that experience, any regrets, things you think you missed out on, social norms you may not have been aware of etc?
His experience was that anyone not in the immediate circle of people that left their other church with them was a heathen.
WPBDoc: No regrets. None. There are freaks, extremists and oddballs in any collection of people -- religious or non-religious. I had two loving parents who were very devout, but who were also transparent and imperfect. I went off to the big city and kept going to school until I had a doctorate. I've been a high school teacher, school administrator, pastor, graduate school professor and author. I am devout in my religion for different reasons than my parents, but devout nonetheless. They were devout because of culture; me, more so because of intellectual and philosophical conclusions. If what I see on Reddit (blackout drinking, drugs, waking up with STD's and strangers in my bed) is what I missed, then I really don't feel like I've missed anything at all. I've chosen a conservative lifestyle, been married to one woman my entire life and my only sexual partner, do not require booze or drugs to have awesome times with my friends, don't fit the stereotype that much of the planet seems intent on super-imposing over evangelical Christians, have plenty of non-believer friends and am quite comfortable in my own skin. I can discuss my faith and the absence of faith others hold without getting aggressive or defensive, nor rolling over and apologizing for being thought a freak or thinking myself some sort of martyr because people don't respect my beliefs.
Bottom line: if I had to do it all over again, I'd do it mostly the same again. Including peeing off my back deck with my boys -- though never on the dog! :-)
| 11 | 140.636364 | |
1399176158 | 1399183562 | t3_24o6mq | t5_2to41 | 2 | Derpy_inferno: TIFU by making a joke about being lost in the upper peninsula of Michigan
literally 5 minutes ago I made a fake story to two of my female friends on this app 'kik' about being lost in some woods in the upper P of Michigan. mind you we're in Detroit so one of them is tripping balls and the other is pretty suspicious. so I just come out and say I was playing. one of my friends, courtney starts saying it's not cool so I call her and she's crying her eyes out telling me that she actually had a friend die on the phone with her and this brought back really bad memories. fuck. then she already has a problem with drugs and shit and I'm scared she might start taking drugs and OD. I really fucked up....
eisenburgh: huh?
Derpy_inferno: A joke I told brought up a bad memory my friend had of someone she knew who died on the phone with her.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1399181144 | 1399230959 | t3_24obq9 | t5_2to41 | 129 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my boyfriend I have herpes.
This actually happened a while ago but it's too hilarious to not share. So my boyfriend and I had been dating for about a month and had recently started having sex. One particular day my boyfriend noticed that I had a blister on my ass, but I didn't think much of it. That was until it started spreading a disgusting scabby blistery mess all over one of my ass cheeks, and also popped up next to my boyfriend's dick since we had had sex despite me having it. At this stage I booked a doctor's appointment because it was very concerning and we thought that it might be some weird STI.
Anyway I went to the doctor's and was told that it wasn't an STI but was just a skin staph infection and I was prescribed antibiotics. At this point I was about to go over to my boyfriend's house I thought it would be hilarious if I texted him before I arrived saying "turns out I have herpes :(" and then revealing it was actually just a skin infection when I got there. Naturally he freaked a little and I said we'd talk when I got there.
As soon as I arrived I told him that it was just a joke, what I didn't count on was that he called his mum before I arrived and told her everything, and that she was coming home now to take him to the doctor. He was pretty relieved and thought it was hilarious, I was absolutely horrified because I had only met his mother twice before and she had no idea we were sexually active yet. He called his mother back and told her not to worry about coming home and explained the situation, and for a few months after that his mother would say very little to me and give me disapproving looks. In the end I deserved it because it was a pretty dumb prank in the first place, but I have never been more embarrassed in front of someone's mother in my life.
TL,DR: I jokingly told my boyfriend I gave him herpes and his mum now thinks I'm a hussy.
Takumi86: Thats kinda fucked up. My ex has herpes but didnt tell me til 8months in. After having unprotected sex dozens of times.
Got checked the next day i dont have herpes but i was pissed!!
alanram: you should dump that douche.
Takumi86: I did a few weeks after. I felt gross even kissing her after that. I couldnt trust her at all
And her excuse... "I didnt want you to run away when we first met"
alanram: That's so selfish though, should have at least always insisted on using condoms. Being honest by telling your partner about it before your first sexual encounter and possibly being rejected is a lot better that potentially fucking someone up with an STI.
Takumi86: Yes i know and my dumbass felt bad for her at first
alanram: Hell no dude! I just don't think there's forgiveness for that; it's too big a deal and there are too many ways for a couple to manage that problem for her to have just figured it was for the best of the relationship to not tell you AND still rawdog.
| 7 | 18.428571 | |
1399196517 | 1399202170 | t3_24on3p | t5_2to41 | 40 | redeyeninja: TIFU by giving Chicken away
I live in a very small apartment with my girlfriend and two small dogs. We decided to take in a foster dog because the local rescue agency was in desperate need of a home for an 11 month old mut. Our dogs are named Pig and Cow, so naturally the new pup was named Chicken.
We had her for a month before the adoption agency hosted an adoption day, so we had some bonding time. Chicken was hands-down the smartest dog I have ever met. She was a wild dog before we got her and within a week she was completely trained to use the bathroom outside. When we got her she was *very* food aggressive. We couldn't even have her in the house the first night while we ate because she would bolt for our plate when it was in our hands. She got along with both of our dogs. She had this awesome habit of just leaning her head into you because she didn't understand how to show affection (she hardly licked, and when she did they were tiny). We got her spayed and took care of other medical issues she had from being wild for so long. But, she quickly learned how to be a great dog. And today she got adopted.
My girlfriend wanted to keep her but I was playing the hard ass and denying how great she is. Now she is in a home across town (with a great family), but she isn't mine. It is selfish and I realize it.
I am going to call the people who adopted her and ask if there is anyway we can get her back, but I doubt they will agree. What makes it worse is the family had two little girls who fell in love with Chicken when they saw her. I hope I get a chance to see that dog again, but if not I hope she loves her new family.
tl;dr
Fostered a great dog and didn't realize how much I was attached to her until she got adopted.
masterofwolves: Don't ask for the dog back. It will crush those girls.
redeyeninja: That's what I'm thinking. But they have 3 other dogs and 2 cats so it isn't like this is their first pet, but nonetheless I feel shitty for even wanting Chicken back.
masterofwolves: I know they have a lot of animals but people still get attached to them very much, no matter how many they have.
| 4 | 10 | |
1399195489 | 1399426892 | t3_24omix | t5_2to41 | 405 | JordoHatesYou: TIFU Got beat up by old people for being a horny teenager and then saved by a pizza guy.
So reddit didn't exist a decade ago when this happened and I just recently found this sub so here goes!
So I was 16 and seeing this girl for a few months that I was pretty sexually active with, we snuck around a lot and skipped school together to mess around and neither of our parents had a clue what was going on.
So one night I'm at her house pretty late( I would normally need to leave by 9:30 to catch a few busses to get back to my neighborhood ) and she's really horny and trying to go fool around in the basement while her 65 year old grandmother and 60 year old Vietnam vet uncle were upstairs watching tv. As much as my brain said this is a bad idea my 16 year old fury boner was all game and the chance of getting caught was even more exciting. So we go downstairs and start making out and she starts going down on me, about 15 minutes go by and we hear a loud bang and see a shadow walking away. We are both frozen out of fear not knowing how this is going to end, the grandmother comes downstairs and tells me "you better get out of here cus my brother is planning to kill you" before I could even get my pants up from around my ankles the uncle blindsided me in the face and started strangling me. I'm getting punched in the face repeatedly as the grandmother is hitting my ex and yelling at her calling her every name in the book, eventually the uncle holds me back so the grandmother can get a swing in. She tried to hit me as hard as she could but after getting hit by a nam vet for 5 minutes it felt like nothing, I laughed at her and said "I thought you old cunts had more spirit in you" if I could give anyone advice it would be to never call a guys sister a cunt when he is trying to injure you.
At this point I'm on the verge of passing out from being strangled and the uncle is dragging me by my neck up the stairs. We get upstairs and I shove him against a wall and try to get him to lay off because things were going to far and I was starting to fear for my life( earlier in the tussle I figured I'd take a few hits and leave but things got out of hand ) I want to just grab my things and leave(already missed my bus so I'm walking at this point and need my things) he tells me if my things are more important then leaving here alive I better reevaluate what's important. So I run at him as fast as I can to knock him to the ground and run to her room and frantically grab all my stuff to throw in my backpack (eeeeeexcept my cell phone) he hulks up and sprints at me to hit me some more and we start exchanging blows and I finally lay enough of a good hit on him to get out the front door...but he caught up to me and started strangling me AGAIN but this time over a metal fence. He keeps yelling things at me but I'm fading out and anything he's saying is non legible thanks to slipping out of consciousness. He hits me one last time and chucks me over the fence.
I wake up a few seconds later and walk to the street and sit on the curb to process everything that just happened and collect myself. I reach for my cell phone to call someone to pick me up (didn't want my parents to see me all beat up) and realize I left it in the house...at this point I just lost it, crying and laughing because I had no idea how to feel.
And I heard some guy ask me if I was ok, I look up and said "no some old people just beat the shit out of me" he asked if I needed a ride and at this point of nearly being beaten to death I threw caution to the wind and got in a car with a total stranger at 11 o clock at night. Slowly I started calming down and realizing where I was and what I just decided to do, the guy was delivering pizzas to the house across the street when I started freaking out on the curb and took me along with him for the rest of his deliveries. So I'm with this guy for about an hour and he tells me he has to pick up his girlfriend and drop of his gear at his pizza joint. We pick up his girlfriend and she looks in the back seat at me and starts screaming "why is there a bloody kid in your back seat! What the fuck did you do! If you gotta bury him somewhere I never saw you!" At this point I'm shitting my pants and the delivery guy is trying to calm his girl down to explain what happened. She calms down and she starts talking to me about what happened and starts to give me some advice about where to go from there. They end up driving me 45 minutes away from where they needed to go to drive me back to my parents house, I will never be more thankful for the kindness they showed me and how they insured me how everything would be ok.
I walk into my house, wash out my wounds and go to bed and the next day my parents saw me, flipped out and asked what happened, I lied and told them I got jumped on my way home and to this day they still don't know what really happened.
The story with this girl doesn't end there, but that's a story for another day.
TL;DR i was a horny 16 year old and got nearly beaten to death by a 60 year old Vietnam veteran and got a ride home from a pizza guy.
Zemedelphos: And you didn't call the police when you got home...why? You got assaulted and battered as a guest on someone's property. They said they planned on killing you. You should have put that insane fucker in prison.
stillSmotPoker1: Yeah let's see how that works... Officer I was in their home fucking there sixteen year old granddaughter. The grandmother told me to "get the fuck out" I decided that I wasn't leaving the statutory rape scene without my stuff. They commenced beating the hell out of me and threw me off their property. I would like to charge them for interfering with me fucking their granddaughter and assaulting me for not leaving the property after I was caught. The officer then proceeds to arrest the boy for statutory rape and trespassing; the grandparents still pissed off put a restraint against him. Is this how you want it to go for the guy?
NefastVoltaire: They were both 16. That more or less eliminates statutory rape. They started beating him before he went to get his stuff. The uncle was strangling the guy, and his life was threatened.
In no way, shape, or form had he forced himself on the girl. They assaulted him and he didn't provoke them at all. He has a solid case.
stillSmotPoker1: > He didn't provoke them at all.
Are you serious holy hell, You just can't be that potato.
I just can't fathom that you really don't think fucking someones sixteen year old daughter doesn't provoke an asskicking and run the hell off is just stupid. You would be lucky they don't shoot your ass. It would take a perverted mentality to think it's ok to just walk into someones home and fuck their sixteen year old daughter.
NefastVoltaire: He was also 16... and she was willing, and they were in a relationship. Sex is going to happen. It`s no reason to threaten to kill someone over, and certainly nothing to beat someone over.
stillSmotPoker1: Okay We'll come over and start fucking your daughters right away. We are going to do it in your house, We'll find out if she likes anal while we bugger her you best make some food because we will be hungry after buggering her and getting her to go for ATM so she might not be to hungry afterwards. It's going to be a weekender so we'll bring our own beer. She's going to love it. By time we are done she only going to be good for prostitution. Don't worry about the suicide thoughts she has later when everybody at school finds out she like pulling trains in her ass. She 16 age of consent in your mind so she grown up enough to make decisions from smooth talking SOB's like me. Sorry she hangs herself from humiliation after her parents don't care and let's us walk thru the door. BTW SEX IS GOING TO HAPPEN. If you tell us to leave we will just say you choked us and threaten us so we fuck you up in self defense in your home.
So because sex is going to happen is okay? Try thinking things through before you let every one know you are an airheaded sociopath
NefastVoltaire: If my daughters wanted to fuck their boyfriends in my house that's fine. This isn't the 1800s anymore. Women can do as they please.
stillSmotPoker1: The word of the day is trash.
NefastVoltaire: And the rest of your thought would be 'Oh, /u/NefastVoltaire and everyone else who does not agree with my views is trash?'
I respect you for having your views. I thought at first maybe you have misread the story or had missed something important. Now that I've read the comments you've sent me now, I see it's not that you misread, it's that you have a deep-seated belief in your own moral code. And I can respect that you have those moral codes.
Going through and insulting everyone who doesn't have the same set of morals as you, however, is unacceptable. I work with college students who are more open-minded and mature than you. And I can guarantee that 90% of them have had sex. Pre-marital sex. I know it must be a nightmare for you to think about.
And if you're just a novelty account, a troll... you should probably sit down, get some therapy or even just have a thought about your life. They say that trolls, and people who jump down other people's throats on the internet, are at best timebombs waiting to happen. Similar to children who torture and kill small animals.
stillSmotPoker1: Nope You have no respect for your home or daughter. Society would call you trash. I believe I only insulted the ones who insulted me first. Except for you, You were a special case. The things you say is so many layers of stupid I had too.
Premarital sex is fine,why even marry if not for tax reasons you can certainly love someone without being married. Can that 16 year old get married without the parents permission? The problem was doing it in the man's house and when they tell you to leave it better not be not till I get my stuff all the while the pants are around the ankles and the girl was a child. For you to think any part of that was ok just lowers the value of your opinion as far as parenting goes. Let's not forget you let your daughters have orgies in your house can't wait to see news about the pedophile that was breeding his daughters because his 16 year old said it was okay to have sex. It's so easy for 16 year old to say stuff that boggles the mind but when the parents say it... Oh lord!
You work in a college. exactly how many students are 16 years old...tick tick tick. Moral code oh lord moral code you certainly don't seem to have any, does the school recognize they have a person working there with a broken moral compass? How many students have you molested? There's a fine line you are working there bub. You are putting yourself in a situation that could be a career ender. Quit posting stuff like that. My daughter is a teacher and in the county she works in teachers are not even allowed to by any kind of alcohol and much other strange rules teachers have to go by.You brave soul you.
NefastVoltaire: Mm. I think you have some problems you need to work out, my friend.
| 12 | 33.75 | |
1399217345 | 1400077370 | t3_24p4uu | t5_2to41 | -27 | jimthesnowboarder: TIFU by calling a black person a nigger.
i was really drunk and called a black person a nigger. now i am in the hospital with my jaw wired shut.
majorkev: Did he break your jaw because you called him a nigger?
That's an over reaction in my books.
Frankly, he should go put his strengths into other efforts... Efforts like picking cotton.
jimthesnowboarder: Yep. He got real buck
majorkev: Was he arrested?
Last time I checked, calling someone a nigger wasn't a crime.
jimthesnowboarder: the police caught him a couple hours later but i am deciding if i want to press charges
majorkev: I would.
trecool88: Nope. You deserved it. Talk shit, get hit. Try to treat others with respect and usually they'll do the same for you.
majorkev: You're an idiot.
Nothing justifies physical violence.
| 8 | -3.375 | |
1399211116 | 1399331202 | t3_24oxma | t5_2to41 | 74 | spagbowl921: TIFU by accidentally slightly pricking myself with a sterile needle, before a nurse used it on a patient.
Happened a few days ago, been on my mind since.
Student nurse here. Getting all the stuff ready for the nurse to set up a line. Really nervous, don't want to screw up. Take off the cap and a slight prick on my finger. Nothing major, could see no blood, however i was wearing gloves. Nurse asked for it, before i could do anything i had handed it to her. Afterwards taking off my glove, blood would come out if i squeezed my finger.
I don't have any viruses or infections and the chances of transmitting are extremely low, even if i did have a virus or infection. I'm just angry at extremely disappointed in myself for not speaking up. I didn't want to seem slow or stupid and anything negative.
juhesihcaaa: Your fuck up wasn't in pricking yourself, it was in allowing that sterile needle to be used.
epiles: |it was in allowing that non-sterile needle
juhesihcaaa: Good point.
Sibire: That point did, indeed, cause OP's problem.
| 5 | 14.8 | |
1399212122 | 1399293703 | t3_24oyo2 | t5_2to41 | 11 | ElissaJoy: TIFU by ripping off a broken nail
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD IT HURTS!!!
I thought "oh yeah i'll just tear it off and fix it up with the nail file"
nope
it tore downwards and ripped off my delicate under-nail-skin. I don't think i know many worse pains.
[deleted]: Pics?
Lovelymuffin: We need pics.
ElissaJoy: Really? It wasn't that impressive, only my pinkie finger. There's no blood anymore. It just hurt like a bitch.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1399221444 | 1399228919 | t3_24pabs | t5_2to41 | 3 | Safry99: TIFU by puking all over myself
Went out to a club, got extremely wasted, and proceeded to puke all over myself at the entrance of the club I'm front of who knows how many people. I got extremely embarrassed and proceeded to leave my friend and walk home drunk by myself. Got home and continued to puke my brains out. Not my proudest moment. Please pardon any spelling errors since I am extremely hungover.
jimthesnowboarder: Hahah that happens to the best of us
WPBDoc: ...and the worst of us.
| 3 | 1 | |
1399227365 | 1399766616 | t3_24pj45 | t5_2to41 | 293 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving my date alone in a restaurant
Background:
I've been talking to a girl for the past month or two, and we are(were) both interested in each other. Roll back to Friday and we went bowling, no biggie, she's slightly put off because I had to go shortly after we got back to her house (night shifts are a bitch). She tells me she wasn't really feeling it after this, so I ask her on a date.
FFW to lunch today. I got to her house a little early, knocked on the door and she said to wait a bit because she wasn't ready. Alright, cool, I can handle this. We finally get into the car, and make our way down to the little Italian place on the corner of the block. They serve the best food ever, and she had never been there, so I wanted to be the one to introduce her to it. One of my friends also works as a waiter there, so he got us set up really fast and was just overall a really friendly guy. Now, when we came in, another family sat next to us. An ungroomed guy, a big wife and two little balls that we could say were children. My friend also has the pleasure to server them, and he does so. About halfway through our meal, the other family starts to get really wild, yelling at their children and just being rude to the other families eating. They call my friend over and proceed to berate him for his 'poor' service.
He doesn't take this very well, he's always been an emotional guy, so he goes to tell the manager on shift and then goes to the bathroom leaving a trail of man-tears. I tell my date that I'll be right back, and I go to see what I can do to cheer up my friend. I coax him for a little over five minutes, and this whole time we just hear yelling outside, between what we presume to be the family and the manager.
We go back out, the family is sitting there with a smug look on the wife's face, and my date is nowhere to be seen. I check my phone and see I have a text from her telling me that they started to make rude comments towards her, but not directly at her, and so she left because she couldn't stand it. I'm left here with my best friend since sixth grade, with a bill to cover and an extremely happy family(which I later learned got their meal comped just because they argued). I am currently sitting at home, wondering what the hell to do at this point, because my date won't answer her phone and I'm worried, because she is really self conscious about her weight and image, and these people were sitting there making fun of her. If anyone can tell me what to do, that would be great also.
jutct: You're kind of a pussy, dude. You should've ripped the family a new one. Always fucking stick up for people, no exceptions.
TaintedQuail: > You should've ripped the family a new one.
Stooping down to their level is no way to solve a problem.
jutct: Yes, it is. People that treat other people like shit and get away with it will keep doing it, because people are too afraid of confrontation to say anything. Whoever invented the phrase "stooping to their level wont help anything" is a pussy. Is that good advice for winning a lawsuit, criminal trial, football game, combat, or fucking anything? No. The one that fights dirtiest wins, and the loser is a pussy. Nothing more to say about it.
TaintedQuail: First, there is a large difference between a criminal trial, football game, etc. and an asshole family. Telling them off will only further their intent to be assholes. While I agree that they should be treated like shit, they won't because they're entitled to their freedom of speech.
jutct: > they're entitled to their freedom of speech.
Wait, how old are you? You do realize that freedom of speech doesn't apply between private parties? Freedom of speech provides prosecution from the government, not private parties. Every heard of harassment charges and a mental anguish suit? You can be arrested or sued for saying the wrong thing to a private party.
TaintedQuail: Things that happen between private parties can have legal repercussions. Plus, you're going against your own argument here. You ARE the one who suggested he go over and, I quote, "Rip them a new one." Are you suggesting he risk his own legal security?
Also, 47 to answer your age question.
jutct: I'm saying that they don't have "freedom of speech" to not be a douchebag. If someone is a dick to me I don't just walk away and say "oh well, better not stoop to their level." That's just lame.
TaintedQuail: > I'm saying that they don't have "freedom of speech" to not be a douchebag.
Off topic, but revise this to where it makes since.
Back on topic now. Trying to fight someone over their right to talk in public is simply irrational and stupid. You will only end up looking like the bad guy within the argument.
jutct: I'm not saying no one has a right. I'm saying you have a right to call them out on being douchebags. Why is that hard to understand?
TaintedQuail: If that's what you're trying to say, you should've started off by saying something to that effect. You either have no idea what you're talking about, or are just terrible at wording your opinions. There is a difference between calling them out and doing exactly what they were.
jutct: No, not really.
TaintedQuail: Giving up, are you? Not smart enough?
jutct: Smart enough to argue with your idiotic, nonsensical comments?
> There is a difference between calling them out and doing exactly what they were.
That doesn't even make sense. Are you 5?
TaintedQuail: It makes a ton of sense, really, if you had the intelligence to think on a higher level. There is a difference between "ripping them a new one" and, per say, calling them out.
| 15 | 19.533333 | |
1399229699 | 1400096070 | t3_24pmqk | t5_2to41 | 2,371 | [deleted]: TIFU by Running Into My SO's Mom with Jizz in my Hair
Our living situation is rather odd; we live in a 2 story house but the basement level is essentially it's own studio apartment. The only thing we use upstairs is the shower. We lived here ourselves for about a year before my BF's mom moved in upstairs (various reasons). It's kind of a weird arrangement, but it works. I went to a party last night and needed to take a shower this morning, so being the awesome GF that I am, I offered to let my BF tittyfuck me and give me a facial.
His mom spends about 95% of her time on one end of the house, so making mad dashes to/from the upstairs shower isn't entirely uncommon. Of course, this was probably the riskiest dash I've ever made, and so of course this was the one time that she was standing directly outside of our door. What makes it even worse is I HEARD her outside the door, but I thought she was moving the other way through the house so I just waited for her to pass. Turns out she thought it would be funny to try and scare me...
She didn't say anything at the time. My boyfriend came up to the shower to drop off clean clothes for me, at which point he asked if she had seen anything. I don't know how she heard him ask this, but we heard her yell from two rooms down "I saw it!"
**tl;dr** My SO's mom caught me with cum in my hair, and I'm now mortified by her apparent superhero-tier levels of hearing and am left wondering what else she knows goes on in this house.
Instantcretin: She knows everything. She hears you have sex. She probably just doesnt really care as you are (presumably) adults.
[deleted]: Oh yeah, she's probably heard EVERYTHING, when we are drunk it probably gets kind of loud. We are in our 20s so she doesn't care, but it's still awkward.
EazyNeva: She lets you do it without saying anything. Doesn't mean she doesn't care. It's her son you're talking about. She probably wishes you wouldn't do it in her vicinity*, as any sane parent would.
Hovsky: Ah yes, because as we all know, the mark of a sane parent is getting angry with your child for having sex.
esquilax: My kid is 7...
[deleted]: This applies to an adult child how?
esquilax: Where does it say adult in Hovsky's post.
[deleted]: Look at the context of the entire thread you idiot.
esquilax: I must be an idiot. You're right.
[deleted]: Just a heads-up, self-pity? Not a good arguing technique.
esquilax: Sarcasm. Actually I don't give a fuck.
| 12 | 197.583333 | |
1399230650 | 1399285963 | t3_24po7k | t5_2to41 | 157 | [deleted]: TIFU by saying a rape joke near a friend who was a rape victim.
One of my female friends was annally raped in 8th grade and today a rape joke flew out of my dumbass mouth when she was around.
lilbittyf0x: Maybe just don't make rape jokes.
jemand: Yeah. I can't remember the latest statistics, but it's something like 1 in 5 women and 1 in 20 men are rape victims, so if you've told rape jokes enough times that an audience a few times larger than that has heard them, you're virtually guaranteed to have done this. Possibly multiple times.
Rosenmyah: where'd you find that statistic?
edit: Why downvote? I'm generally curious...
jahannan: Because quibbling about the statistics is a common troll move - it doesn't really matter what the actual statistics are (and trolls gonna troll no matter what), point is rape happens and making rape jokes is a fucked up thing to do.
Oh, there's also the bit where it's very lazy. The statistic is from the CDC and is literally the first google result for "1 in 5 women":
http://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/sv-datasheet-a.pdf
IamAnthonological: Even so, it is a valid query. The person posting the statistic should have posted the source in the first place anyway.
| 6 | 26.166667 | |
1399238299 | 1399239054 | t3_24q03f | t5_2to41 | 2 | IaAranaDiscoteca: TIFU By trying to fix my phone myself
HollowPointBullet: This is why you look at tutorials.
IaAranaDiscoteca: I watched six and read 2. And they were all identical.
HollowPointBullet: I could only imagine how you managed to ruin your phone, lol.
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1399237726 | 1399293824 | t3_24pz7d | t5_2to41 | 752 | Billy_bills: TIFU by getting anally probed
This happened a couple weeks ago but didn't have time to write my fuck up. Not sure if I should be using a throwaway but fuck it, I doubt this will get much visibility and thought anyone that would read this would get a good laugh.
So a couple weeks ago I started noticing this red coloring in my shit, no bleeding from wiping but it looked like blood was permeating from my shit while it was chillin' in the bowl. The first time I didn't give it much thought but then I noticed this happened again the next day, I started to worry since I've never experienced something like this. I researched what this could be, my unprofessional conclusion was that it wasn't hemorrhoids but possibly some sort of rectal bleeding.
The third day goes by and my shit is still bleeding, I start freaking out and decide to call my health care provider for a doctor's appointment. I'm able to see a doctor that day and give him the rundown of what happened. I haven't experienced any pain, no recent major lifestyle changes, etc so the doctor decides to have a look.
He was this young indian dude, he fairly politely asked me to turn over (I was in a hospital gown) and kindly asked that I relax my "muscles" so he can check my rectum. I thought no big deal and cracked a "usually I have to buy someone dinner for this kind of treatment" joke to lighten the mood. He didn't seem very amused and ask that I simply relax. So I turn and look at the wall and think of a happy place. The next thing I know, this cold metal tube is shoved right up my poopshoot. I've never experienced anything like this so my ass muscles reactively tighten up, which scrapes some of my anal lining, by far one the strangest sensation I've experienced. He then politely tells me that I need to relax. At this point I'm like fuck, I just want this to be over, but the quickest way to do that is to try and let loose while this guy has a tube up my ass. I'm able to relax thinking he'll pull out and I can try and go on with the rest of my day. Nope, he then proceeds to shove it even further and reaches depths of my anal cave I didn't even know existed. I could literally feel my eyes popping out of my sockets and tried to hold back any sign of struggle because at this point I don't want to hear the word "relax" again. After what seemed an eternity, he pulls out and says everything looks fine, there doesn't seem to be any issues. I'm somewhat relieved but also pissed because I felt the anal probing was a bit much. He tells me to he'll run some blood tests just to make sure, hands me some paper towels to "clean myself up", and apologizes for any "discomfort".
I go get my blood tested then go home reflecting on what the fuck just happened to my butthole. I get home, my girlfriend comes over and I tell her about the whole experience. She thinks its somewhat hilarious but then all of a sudden breaks out into uncontrollable laughter. I think this is a bit insensitive given my whole ordeal, she apologizes but says she thinks she figured out what happened. She tells me that she will get redness in her poop from eating beets and asked me about what included in my new shake I kept talking to her about all week. That's when it hits me..I've started making this shake with kale, beets and some other fruit. I never really ate beets before but didn't think they'd make my shit red. Blood tests came back normal, decided to skip the beets in my shake next week to see what would happen and sure enough my shit turned back to its glorious brown color.
I'm glad I don't have any health concerns but then wished I thought about the beets thing to prevent a doctor from popping my anal cherry. Oh well, I guess losing your virginity never goes the way you expected :(
**TL;DR Thought I had rectal bleeding, get royally probed in the ass, didn't need to if I knew beets can turn your shit red.**
Riffler: My parents once took me to the doctor because I was peeing red - turned out to be beets.
Not sure why yours came out a different way.
3vere1: How long was the pole they shoved up your dick?
[deleted]: About the length of a thumbtack.
YouAndMeToo: Fuck. You.
Augenmann: AndMeToo?
| 6 | 125.333333 | |
1399238437 | 1399247786 | t3_24q0af | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by playing minecraft
No throwaway, I really am too sad to care. I am typing this from a friends phone in tears.
This all starts with some of my accounts being hacked, like my reddit account. Half of some stuff I didn't post or view. Let's go back further. My brothers computer got hacked. It is a brick now, so he uses my computer all the time. He pirates an M rated computer game yesterday. I wanted to see what it was, I saw the rating. My mom comes in my room and I calmly shut off the computer. She gets on the overprotective side and looks through my computer, some stuff I didn't download. (Don't worry minecraft part is coming up) she sees that files are waiting on a CD burner. My brother used my computer to burn explicit music. Now, yesterday I was playing Minecraft and I was working on a house with a chat muted person, so we voice chat to coordinate. His contacts are added to my contacts; I didn't ask. They had a chat text going on that I wasn't part of. I had to lie to my mom that I was online chat instead of m game. ( I wasn't liking the game ) i made some gory joke, no I would never do that. But my mom logs in to the chat with her smart aleck overprotective self and thinks I'm part of some chat where they were making nasty joke as my mom describes it. She gets so paranoid she called the FBI. YES THE BLOODY FBI. She told them people were trying to kidnap me, but none of this was true. These were innocent people, around 13-17. I only talk with one person to build a house, but a function made me have to speak chat with them. I really tried to direct my speech to 1 person. I try to tell my mom but she doesn't believe a thing I'm saying. Later the Cops arrive and take all my stuff away as my brothers laugh at me. She thinks now I'm forming a bond with murderers and kidnappers. Yeah, why would they travel from rural Georgia Canada New Jersey and the Midwest to KILL me. They weren't comfortable giving locations. Not me not them. Vague and generic locations are different. Now all I know is that my mom is getting innocent people arrested and they will put the blame on me. I won't be able to warn them because the police stole all my stuff. I found out about this reddit like a week ago and I barley am active here.
_Max_e_Pad_: There is no way your mom would call the FBI and they would actually come. Im calling major BS here.
JRPGpro: He never said the FBI came :I. He did mention the police coming though.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1399244191 | 1399259564 | t3_24q8tj | t5_2to41 | 183 | HotelBravo: TIFU by quoting Elf
A few friends and I were eating lunch when my friend Zoe got up to leave for an appointment at the clinic. Because my friends and I are all dorks we constantly quote shit, so, as she left, I shout out in my best narwal voice ["Bye Zoe! Hope you find your dad!"](http://youtu.be/rBSlev7NMgU).
Her father died last month. She had an appointment with a counselor to help her cope.
After I said it I just stared at her in disbielief. My friend tried to save it by saying "Oh! From Elf! Haha, you're funny."
The damage was done. Zoe walked away without saying another word.
Foot, meet mouth.
victorious_doorknob: Don't worry. Last week I made a yo mama joke to a person. Apparently their mom died that weekend.
ATenderOnion: thats why i have stopped saying yo mama jokes.
victorious_doorknob: We'll he threw one of them at me so I had to assert my dominance
Lunatea: Then he shouldnt bitch about it.
victorious_doorknob: No he was cool. He sort of turned away and looked down. A few minutes later I got the courage to apologize and he said it was ok and he was just sensitive to that sort of stuff and it wasn't really my fault.
Lunatea: oh, I thought he was like "Yo dood dont make those kinda jokes infront of me" With morgan freeman's voice or some shit.
victorious_doorknob: That would make things ten times worse lol
Lunatea: Trust me, It makes everything better.
| 9 | 20.333333 | |
1399228506 | 1399325995 | t3_24pkw4 | t5_2to41 | 25 | pretenditdidnthppn: TIFU by not making sure my boyfriend's family was out of earshot before having sex
Firstly let me just say I am long time lurker, but a first time poster (I just made my account!)
So my boyfriend (19M) and I (18F) are in college, long distance (we go to different colleges but come from the same hometown), and we both live at home when we're not at school. Sometimes we will both go home during the same weekend so we can see each other at home. And since we are long distance, we are pretty darn excited (in more ways than one) when we get to see each other.
A few weeks ago, I was at my boyfriend's house one weekend, and it had been a while since we saw each other last. We hung out with his family before and during dinner, which was nice, but we were pretty eager to go downstairs after dinner. Now, his basement doesn't have a door. The stairs just have an opening at the top, to the main level, so sound from downstairs to upstairs travels pretty well. This usually doesn't present a problem because his family would never come down when we are down there, and they also usually go to bed pretty early, around 9 PM, and the bedrooms are a level above the main level so you can't hear what's happening downstairs from all the way upstairs.
So it was maybe around 8:30 PM, and we just couldn't contain ourselves anymore. We started to have sex, and I was not thinking about whether or not his family had gone upstairs yet. I was being pretty quiet though, because if I don't restrain myself I will be way too loud regardless of where they were in the house. Then, as we were both about to come, I said, "Tell me when, baby," multiple times (NOT particularly quietly, but also not very loudly) and as I was about to come I said, "Oh my god," or something to that effect. All was well until about 5-10 minutes later (at around 9:30 PM - later than they normally are downstairs until) when we heard people moving around upstairs...
I'm so embarrassed. His parents are very chill and his sister is about our age, I know they would never bring it up but still... I don't know who was upstairs at the time so I don't know who heard. I know it could be worse but gah, I could have very happily lived my life without this happening.
TL;DR - At least one member of my boyfriend's family heard me cry out directly before and during orgasm.
lalo7578: Biggest fuck up i have heard of seen in a while.
pretenditdidnthppn: Thank you? I don't know whether I should take this as a compliment or not on this subreddit haha
Voyager5555: I'd actually go the other way and say this is fairly tame. I mean, if they came down to do laundry and then stayed to atch or something...
var_username: If they stayed to watch I would consider that a win
| 5 | 5 | |
1399255560 | 1399333573 | t3_24qpf3 | t5_2to41 | 49 | SheZowRaisedByWolves: TIFU by eating IHOP
This shit happened saturday night at roughly 9:30 pm.
My friends and I go to the IHOP to indulge in the pancakes and breakfast. Everyone is talking about life and merriment as we eagerly waited for our food to arrive. Everyone got pancakes. I got chicken and waffles.
"Would you like honey mustard?", said the waitress to me.
"Uhhh, sure.", I said.
Big mistake. The next thirty minutes were a mixture a foodgasmic taste experiences as well as grave regret. The syrup, soda and honey mustard were starting to get to me. Everyone was done eating and already paying at the front counter.
"Hold on guys, I gotta go to the bathroom.", I said while clenching my stomach and sphincter in pain.
"K. Try not shit all over the floor like you did at summer camp.", said friend 4.
"THAT WASN"T EVEN ME!"
I proceeded to the bathroom which to my surprise, had no one inside. What was an alleged code brown, was soon to be a code green. Or more like code yellowish-brown. Coughing and gagging my brains out and yet nothing came out. Feeling like I had beaten the IHOP, I left the stall and went to pay my bill.
We get into my car (we all carpooled there) but something was wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong.
It was coming.
*rising stomach gurgle*
"Oh fuck"
*I get out of the drivers seat and run to a light post*
*vomits on said light post"
"Aww, what the fuck, man!?", said friend 1.
"I'm sorry, it was probably too much honey mustard.", I replied.
"Do you want me to drive?", said friend 2 (the non-asshole with substantial medical knowledge).
"Yeah, I'm not gonna make it on this one...", I moaned.
We get about maybe fiddy yards away from the IHOP when I start to vomit again. HARD.
BLLLLLLEEEEEUUUGGGGHHHHHHH
The car stopped next to us is a four remembered middle eastern looking family. All of them filled with the faces of disgust. Fucking priceless.
*collective duuuuudddesss from friends in my car*
"Do I need to pull over?", said friend 2.
"No, no, I'm fine", I said obviously not fine.
Thank god we were at a stoplight.
The light turns green and we start moving again.
"I'm going to try to drive slowly, okay?", said friend 2.
"Alright, I trust you.", I reluctantly cried.
Maybe not even twenty seconds after the stoplight, I start vomiting again. HARD.
BLLLLLLEEEEEUUUGGGGHHHHHHH
None of it hits the ground. Just the side of my car.
*fast forward to a few more stoplights of this happening*
We stop at yet another stoplight with me still feeling gurgley. This time, the car next to us is filled with african american individuals that may have been juniors in high school or freshman in college. I am very bad at guessing ages.
*loud as fuck gurgle*
"Oh god."
*stick head out of window and projectile vomit ALL OVER THE CAR NEXT TO US*
YEP.
YOU HEARD RIGHT FOLKS.
ALL OVER THEIR 4-DOOR WHO-GIVES-A-FUCK STANDARD.
Everyone in the vomited car, aren't disgusted, just surprised. The mix of facial expressions ranged from "eeewwww" to "da fuuuuhhhh?"
I smiled and promptly apologized for the vomit to which the driver rolled down his window and replied "AYO, YOU NEED TO TURN DOWN, BRUH!".
TFW I believe him.
More vomiting out of the window onto the side of my car later ensued after that stoplight and continued until we arrived at friend 3's house.
We got out of my car and saw the damage.
It.
Was.
Everywhere.
Dried up from wind resistance vomit caked in all across the right side if my car.
One of the poor bastards on that side came out that way and got a nice handful of chicken and waffles from the door handle.
After hardy laughter, we played basketball, watched some kind of gay (I mean actually gay) movie about singing and dreams with friend 3's sister, and left to go home.
All of the ride home, I had wondered what had made me sick. Then it hit me. The honey mustard. I basically drank the whole bowl that the waitress brought me. I eventually arrived home at around 1 am. The perfect time for masturbation.
Don't fuck around with honey mustard, kids. It may taste good but it can and will, fuck you up if drunken without moderation.
TL;DR: Turned up off of honey mustard, scarred and scared a middle eastern family, ruined a black guy's paint job, went to friend's house and enjoyed a gay moment, then went home and jerked off.
EDIT: For those who don"t believe me http://imgur.com/B4jFb5g
devilboy222: I'm going to assume that picture was after you cleaned most of it off? I've always ended up with a lot more on the vehicle when dealing with the puking out the window problems.
SheZowRaisedByWolves: It had sit over night since I went right to bed when I got home that night.
| 3 | 16.333333 | |
1399260725 | 1399327910 | t3_24qwpp | t5_2to41 | 73 | silentbob_: TIFU by Smacking my Grandma in the Face
So it was my grandmother's birthday today, and since it was nice out, we decided to eat outside. During our meal, a small fly had landed on my plate. I waved it away, but it would keep coming back. This happend for about 5 minutes and I was becoming very annoyed. The next time it landed on my plate, I tried slamming it with my hand. At this point I was making a scene, but I couldn't let the fly win. I tried smacking it again in mid air while it was flying and instead full on bitch slapped my 83 year old grandma. She suffered a nose bleed and the rest of my family gave me dirty looks for the rest of the night. I have a feeling I might not be invited to the next family event.
tl;dr: I tried smacking a fly while eating dinner, instead assaulted my grandmother by mistake.
moochie94: What was her reaction?
silentbob_: She was very upset because she did not know that I was trying to smack a fly at the time. She thought it was on purpose. She yelled "That is no way to treat an old lady!" I felt really bad.
moochie94: Damn, if I was in that situation I would have just been paralyzed with fear and shame lol. Hopefully everything worked out in the end though.
silentbob_: Yea I'm sure everything will be fine, hopefully this will be a story I can look back at and laugh about haha.
| 5 | 14.6 | |
1399262093 | 1399982952 | t3_24qyjd | t5_2to41 | 65 | Laflamablanco1016: TIFU on a dating website
So I joined this free dating website called POF. Not a bad spread, but I have terrible game. I googled some conversation starters and found a nice little gem that would be sure to help me out. Anyway.. I copied and pasted the message to 20-25 girls and sat back and waited for some replies. Apparently I pasted a link to a video I was fapping to earlier today and got banned from the site. Besides coming off as a total pervert with pictures to go along with (I live in a small town), I sent the link to one of my ex's friends and sure enough, got a text telling me what a perv I was... FML
Krakkin: I would recommend okcupid. I tried both at the same time and consistently got more replies on okcupid (and in the brief time I used the site I actually got some action). I actually don't think I got any replies from pof.
z3phyr13: Try Okc *AND* check out r/okcupid for advice on profiles and messages. For the love of god DO NOT EVER use copy pasta. Ever. If you think someone is interesting you should be willing to put in the 5-10min it takes to write a personalized message.
OceanRacoon: Number one thing I've read from that sub is that it's a waste of time doing that as a man because you most likely will never get a reply, that's why they end up using copy pastas because they realise they're wasting their life for no reason
[deleted]: Its so drastically different for women they don't understand it. But there are moments. I was proving it to my wife the other day and within an hour I got messaged by a pretty hot chick that fit me like a glove. It was a once in a lifetime event and it had to happen when I was trying to prove it never happens.
Csardonic1: > fit me like a glove
...
[deleted]: New to english?
| 7 | 9.285714 | |
1399234026 | 1399397296 | t3_24ptcf | t5_2to41 | 25 | insaneInsult: TIFU by wetting my pants in the elevator, They have cameras.
I came home very very drunk at 4AM. I stumble out of the taxi and enter the lobby of my apartment complex, Stole exactly two thumbtacks from the bulletin board while facing the security camera and gesturing a very drunk [''I'm taking this''.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pDy41hvdq4s#t=123)
I manage to get onto the elevator, push my floor button, sort of just stand there motionless and...sort of just let it rip. Right there in my pants and consequently onto the floor.
Using the same elevator this afternoon I notice a big stain on the carpet, probably the result of a very vigorous wash.
It's not a very large condo and I'm fairly sure they figured out it was me when they rolled back the tape of the camera. I was most likely the last person to use the elevator until morning and the camera most likely recorded me standing motionless in the exact spot that was baptized.
Honestly I have no idea how to proceed right now, I've been avoiding the manager who was most likely notified by another resident who had the pleasure of taking the elevator, the security guards at the gate who are in charge of the surveillance footage, and the janitorial staff I worked so hard to befriend.
I plan to apologize tomorrow and offer to pay to replace the carpet, but I really cant think of an excuse that doesn't involve admitting that I wet myself
Krakkin: I only watched like 5 seconds of that liar liar clip but it made me realize how ridiculous it is that movies have scenes where people are yelling back and forth at each other while driving down the road.
Also, you should try to not piss yourself when you drink.
insaneInsult: I was actually just referencing that one line at 2:02, The link should have just start at that particular time frame as I linked to time code..
But thanks to the advice
CupricWolf: Having not seen this movie, seeing this clip in it's entirety has made me resolve to see the movie. Thanks for messing up the time code :)
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1399289395 | 1399347610 | t3_24rmkz | t5_2to41 | 2,018 | IThinkItsChocolate: TIFU by peeing on my boyfriend
Let me start by saying this never happened to me before. My boyfriend was down on me, and it obviously felt really good. Nothing felt different. All of the sudden I get this massive urge to sneeze, "Don't do it", I think to myself," Hold it in." But five seconds later, I let out a tiny sneeze and something from the other end. We sat still for thirty seconds to understand what just happened. I peed on my boyfriends face. I began to laugh, out of nervousness and embarrassment. He did not join in the laughter. The ride home was the most awkward silent dragged out five minutes.
eatspam88: Considering your username, it could be worse.
Lord_Cthulhu: Reminds me of the girl who thought her period blood was chocolate.
DanteMH: Reminds me of the girl who cooked her period blood-things like bacon.
madillinsane: Shiet, why did you have to remind us?
Link for the curious and uninitiated: [Vagina Bacon](http://www.reddit.com/r/popping/comments/yoibk/this_may_not_be_the_appropriate_place_but_i/c5xta25).
Moonhowler22: As /u/thehealeroftri so eloquently said:
NIGGA WHAT THE FUCK.
Thehealeroftri: I said that comment like a month after OP posted the thread and somehow it rose to the top of the replies.
Weird how Reddit works sometimes.
Moonhowler22: Huh, so those username mentions *do* actually work. Neat.
I can add that shit to my library of weird shit reddit does.
Thehealeroftri: Yeah, it only works if the recipient has Reddit gold though. So if you mention someone and they don't have Reddit gold then they won't see it.
Moonhowler22: Yeah. I guess this means nobody's ever said my name :(
IAMA_DragonSlayerAMA: Did you make sure to go into your preferences (I think that's it) and check the option on? I had gold for a good 2-3 months before I realized that was how you activated it.
Moonhowler22: It's a setting?!
I did not know that.
It is now enabled.
IAMA_DragonSlayerAMA: Might as well test it out.
/u/Moonhowler22
Moonhowler22: I can't tell if it's working! I got a reply notification. I'm gonna make a throwaway and test it.
| 14 | 144.142857 | |
1399295072 | 1399518301 | t3_24rscb | t5_2to41 | 470 | [deleted]: TIFU BY checking in my beer before my baby
I had bought a 12 pack of yuengling (bottles) on the way home from picking 6 month old up my MIL house yesterday. When I got home I was greeted at the door by my wife and proceeded set the beer in the counter and the baby still in its car seat on the floor. Some how my beer managed to fall off the counter and right on top of the carrier. Now it scared the Shit out of me thinking I had killed my child with my beer, but I noticed almost immediately that the handle took the blow and left the child unscathed. So I rushed to my beer leaving my child screaming. My wife saw the whole thing not knowing that the baby was ok and now thinks I'm an alcoholic monster(I only drink on the weekends and hardly more than a 6 pack at a time.) who only cares about getting drunk. she hasn't spoken to me since and I'm sure I'm not getting any nookie for a while. So TIFU big time.
deely153: If it was Bud Light I would agree with her. Did you try to explain that it was Yuengling?
jennysbox: Is Yuengling not crappy gas station beer everywhere in the US?
luvens: It's the new Coors Light. We don't get to have it around my parts.
Redditor_on_LSD: Yuengling ain't Coors Light, only Coors Light is Coors Light.
luvens: In that they don't sell the shit in my state. Back in the day coors was just regional too.
| 6 | 78.333333 | |
1399271185 | 1399572407 | t3_24r8kr | t5_2to41 | 29 | MyUnclesALawyer: TIFU by making a stupid joke to a customer.
I'm still cringing at this. So I work at a food store, we sell a variety of regular foods as well as health foods, supplements, etc. I've been working there for three years, so I certainly feel "in my zone" at work and I often joke around, sometimes with the customers, but never anything too edgy, just tiny light-hearted jokes that render modest chuckles.
A woman called into the store today and I answered. She asked me whether we carried a certain product, but I could tell the phone was on speaker in a vehicle, and it made it tough to understand her. I heard something like "Do you guys carry mrrrsrrrr?"
"Um, sorry? I didn't quite catch that."
I had to get her to repeat more clearly a couple times before I understood what she was asking for - MOTHER'S WART.
"Oooooh, MOTHER'S WART." I was relieved to know that I understood what she said, but I have no idea what the fuck mother's wart is, and we certainly didn't carry it. So, in my moment of giddiness from having figured out what she was asking for, I decided to make a little joke.
"I'm sorry, we don't specialize in ingredients for witches brew."
Now, in retrospect, I know it was an extremely stupid joke, and I kinda knew it at the time too, but I assumed the person would, you know, react with a "ha-ha" kinda thing even if just to be polite if they didn't find it funny. Clearly I regret making this joke, because this story wouldn't be here if I didn't.
I waited for some sort of validation of the joke. Two seconds. Uh oh. This is now officially an awkward pause. The joke bombed. She didn't like it. Quick, laugh a little bit to reinforce that you're just being playful!
"Hah-"
"WHAT DID YOU SAY!? HOW DARE YOU!?"
Out of NOWHERE this extremely loud man's voice comes onto the phone, and he begins to berate me over how awful and unprofessional of me it was to disrespect his family's health needs, meanwhile I was trying to apologize repeatedly, and after about thirty seconds of this he hangs up and I'm just glad its over.
Three minutes pass. The phone rings again. Shit. I know its him. It just can't not be. I had never been less thrilled to be right in my life.
I say "Hello?" and he calmly asks to speak with a manager. I inform him there's no manager present, so he asks to speak with a supervisor. I say, "Sure, just a moment." I'm the acting supervisor, and I swiftly (selfishly, in retrospect) give it to someone else, who goes into the office to listen to the guy. She comes out after a few minutes, tells me this guy is the president of some company, I mean come ON this guy mentioned that he's the president of a company, as if that matters in the slightest, and he's gonna call tomorrow to speak with my bosses about me.
Anyway, yeah, of course I was kinda in the wrong, but I still think that dude was a dick. Life lesson here is don't assume people aren't dicks. I do like to assume the best of people, but sometimes it can lead to trouble. And seriously, I hope I never find out what the hell Mother's Wart is.
killjoy1001: I hate when people try to lie about there position in life like it will somehow get a better result for them.
Grefendi: Their position. Not there.
killjoy1001: Sorry, that happens more often then I'd like to admit.
| 4 | 7.25 | |
1399248030 | 1399350835 | t3_24qegc | t5_2to41 | 24 | 11equals7: TIFU by giving a drunk girl a ride in my friend's mom's car
of course, she puked all over the seat, handbrake, stick... 5 minutes before she would've been home.
her parents cleaned up most of it but the smell is still there. they offered to pay for professional cleaning, but my friend's mom apparently won't have it cleaned, don't quite understand why. I probably won't get to drive that car ever again.
welp, that's what you get for being a nice guy.
epiles: I learned that a good DD has plastic bags WITH NO HOLES in the seat backs ready for use at all times.
11equals7: Gotta learn somehow, right? She was in the passenger seat, though and didn't really warn me
| 3 | 8 | |
1399310751 | 1399344830 | t3_24sg8p | t5_2to41 | 117 | corbett656: TIFU by not thinking before I spoke.
I was in between classes at my campus, sitting with some fellow classmates. It was me, 3 guys, and 2 girls. Both of the girls were friends and one of them said, "She's my bestest friend in the whole wide world." Now, what you have to understand is that I had been up for maybe 30+ hours. My mind was not working.
Anyways, some guy said, "Is that her full name?" Followed by, "What would be her middle name?"
Guy1 "Friend?"
Guy2 "The?"
A few seconds passed to where that conversation was beginning to become irrelevant. I'm seriously trying to figure out what her middle name would be. So I blurt out "Wide" and then laughed because how could wide be the answer? It's nearly at the end.
Silence. I look at everyone and they're giving me that "wtf" kind of look. I look at the girl in question and she is FUCKING HUGE! I mean, big ol' girl. I can see the tears begin to swell in her eyes. There was nothing I could do. She interpreted it as some asshole kid spitting out insults from left field for no reason. I was completely dumbfounded, I was racking through my brain to find the right combination of words to describe my thought process. As the seconds of silence got longer without me being able to explain, I did the only thing I could possibly think of. I turned and walked away...
I'm going to avoid those people for as long as I live.
Fim0458: She was crying because of that? As a fat women myself, I think this woman deserved it, if anything it'll toughen her up a bit, seriously, I can't abide people who cry when people call them fat, when THEY ARE FAT.
corbett656: Man, I've cried before because I dropped a piece of pizza on the floor. I was 19. Sometimes emotions just get the better of us I suppose.
Fim0458: I can understand that, pizza is nice, I've never cried because some jackoff called me fat, I mean, it's true, I'm working on it, thanks for the reminder, gives me more motivation.
corbett656: Has someone actually called you fat, like in a way to make fun/intentionally hurt your feelings? I've been short my whole life 5'6" and I've never been made fun of for being short. I don't know if that is at all a good comparison, but... yeah.
Fim0458: They have, when I was in school it was a daily thing, it hurt when I was in really early school for like 4 years, but that's because I was a kid, and a moron, you get to a point where you understand what everyone meant when they said "why do you care what other people think?" and stop caring what other people think, and take insults at face value, if someone calls me fat nowadays I just take it as a reminder, that's not to say I'm okay with it, but I'm trying to lose weight.
corbett656: Good for you! I occasionally would get insulted when people would call me an alcoholic. I would reply "I'm just a little drunk." I'd get a couple laughs here and there. I've also learned myself that it's just better to not care.
My Uncle owns a bar, I get drinks for a dollar a beer. When I wasn't working, I would get drunk, when I had to work, I hardly drank. Its just a recreational thing for me. I don't drink while I have responsabilities. I drink when I can, which just so happens to bit quite often. Work 2 weeks, not a sip, get 4 days off, party on Garth!
Fim0458: Thanks! I never much cared for drinking myself, I prefer highs I can control myself on, smokes, weed (kinda), speed, coke, that kinda stuff. shame coke is so expensive, If I could get a line of coke for a dollar I wouldn't get anything done.
corbett656: I like to not be in control sometimes. I generally just like the buzz. Sometimes it goes too far. Coke, I am with you there. The only regrettable experience I ever had was having sex with my ex while coked out. It took for fucking ever. I seriously thought my heart was going to explode. She enjoyed it though.
Also, mushrooms are my champagne drug. I just like to celebrate every now and again and eat a few mushies to kind of let loose (and be able to remember it).
Fim0458: I do like hallucinogens from time to time, they're on par with opiates for me, mushrooms are nice, but I like them in moderation, in between moderating my mushroom intake I do like to enjoy much weaker things like 5-meo-dalt and ketamine.
My champagne drug is heroin, but I tend to limit it to like, once every 3 months minimum time gap, just so I don't end up getting hooked, since you know... it's heroin.
corbett656: OoOoh, I could never touch heroin. I would be addicted. I have very little self control. Especially since I read something on what a heroin high (injection) feels like. I would not be able to stop.
Fim0458: I've been blessed with demi-god levels of self control, from what my friends tell me at least, doesn't stop heroin from being absolutely amazing, [Trainspotting](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zUaXbM_lZj0) described it perfectly, and anyone who says "nah, that just doesn't sound like it'll be that great" is lying through their teeth, it's not about whether heroin is that great to begin with, it's about whether you can stop it from ruining your life, because if you can't you should never go within 100ft of it or anyone who can get you it.
From what I've heard from ex-addicts, it's like this, you get high the first few times and it's fucking amazing, then you slowly build a tolerance too it, but can't stop, so after a month of constant use, you're not getting high because the amount you need to get high will kill you, you can't get off it because that'll likely make you wish you were dead, if it doesn't outright kill you, and if you're sober after it'll suck you back into it if you ever go near it, because the first hit you have with no tolerance will win you right back. life is a bitch, and every brilliant force has an equally violent backlash.
corbett656: Yeah, I'm just weak.
Funny story (not really funny, more terrible):
One of my good friends was hanging out with this kid, the kid wanted to do something different in terms of getting high. My buddy says, "Have you ever tried heroin." To make a long story short, my buddy got him a connect. Months later, people left and right were addicted to heroin in our school. I mean, probably about 20 kids. All because one kid asked for a recommendation from my friend. My buddy single handedly started a heroin epidemic in our area.
Sidenote: He also accidently got a job working for the Russian mob once. They had him deliver packages like bike parts, cell phones, etc. He knew something was fishy about it but couldn't be sure until the FBI came to his door. No charges were made, the FBI is pretty keen on catching the big guys. Not some package runners. My friend has lived an interesting life.
Fim0458: Exactly man, as soon as you know the guy who knows the guy who knows the dope dealer you're much more susceptible to addiction than you think, it should sort of be a rule of thumb, if you're willing to do illegal shit, always be at the top of your own operation, it's much more predictable that way, and if things go tits up then you can sell out the higher ups directly so you get off free!
| 14 | 8.357143 | |
1399315493 | 1399527364 | t3_24so6f | t5_2to41 | 42 | id10t_pen15: TIFU by forgetting to wear shoes....
I (M) normally drive with my shoes off and leave the shoes in the car. I cleaned out the car over the weekend. This morning on the way to work, didn't realize I needed the shoes in the car til I got to work. Commute is 1 hr. I am now at work in office with no shoes, I have been walking around with no shoes. My socks are black so hopefully no one has noticed yet. But now I have to pee and I don't want to step in pee! The ladies room should be safe from pissy floors....right?..
twcsata: 1) That's funny.
2) Never been in a ladies' room, have you? Trust me, they're nastier than any men's room.
id10t_pen15: You would think ladies kept them clean in general....now I'm picturing tampon/pad land mines on the floor....
YouDoneMessedUpAAron: Woman/Custodian here. You're better off going in the mens room. Trust me.
fredkruge: Really? I would have imagined the opposite.
YouDoneMessedUpAAron: I'd much rather clean the men's room than the women's.
| 6 | 7 | |
1399318180 | 1399363407 | t3_24ssra | t5_2to41 | 53 | GreenEyedDemon: TIFU by breaking my hand from being mad at a video game.
A couple night ago I was playing Battlefield 3 with my roommate. It was conquest on Metro, max tickets. My team was pushed back to their spawn and being spawn killed relentlessly. My roommate got a good shot on me, laughed, and I hauled off and punched the table. I'm at the doctors office now, but I'm pretty sure I have a "Boxer's Fracture" which means I broke the bone connecting my pinky to my wrist. Sorry for any typos, I'm on my phone.
potatohats: You might want to look at some other things in your life if a video game made you that angry.
Cancani: A videogame can make you angry easily ;_; but it can also help calming down or using this anger to win
GreenEyedDemon: I was immediately calm afterward. That wave of "oh god why" overtook it.
Cancani: My playstation controllers now hate me and dont care if im calm :(
GreenEyedDemon: I actually punched the table to avoid throwing the controller, since I just bought this one a few weeks ago because I broke the last one.
Cancani: Throw the broken one it really helps haha
| 7 | 7.571429 | |
1399316623 | 1399330431 | t3_24sq1j | t5_2to41 | 37 | krq316: TIFU by opening the internet browser in my boss's office
This happened to my manager last week, but I was present for the whole thing.
So I work at a very small, laid back construction company. My boss is out of town on business and my office managers computer crashed. She went to work in my boss's office. You know how some browsers have a snap shot of recently visited sites? Well 7 out of the 10 listed on his computer were cartoon porn sites. 7 DIFFERENT cartoon porn sites. He tried to explain it away by saying people send him dirty jokes in email and that's where it takes him when he clicks on things. We aren't buying it and now whenever he has computer problems we tell him to quit looking at porn.
RollRoundInTheToilet: > cartoon porn sites
As in r34 or just porn that's animated?
krq316: We weren't brave enough to click on them. But one site title was something like "xxx - cartoon porn".
edit: I don't even know what r34 refers to.
RollRoundInTheToilet: It's the 32nd [rule of the internet](http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/030/662/rules.jpg.jpg?1260852319) which dictates that porn is/will be made of everything that exists. It's used to refer to pornography based on characters for TV shows, video games, etc. I was curious because knowing what it was of might make it more or less creepy.
krq316: I learn something new every day.
| 5 | 7.4 | |
1399324453 | 1399341262 | t3_24t3jc | t5_2to41 | 15 | apfelmuss: Tifu by going back sleep
today is the last day of classes. i woke up with ample time to get ready, an yet i went back to bed. I just woke up and its 5pm. I slept 12 hours-- i don't need that much sleep. This needs to stop.
PM_me_yourkittens: Lesson learned- Don't go back to sleep!
apfelmuss: if only I did. I seem to be on the wrong end of the learning curve :P
| 3 | 5 | |
1399326211 | 1399392406 | t3_24t6mn | t5_2to41 | 9 | ookaminohane: TIFUby saying that alcoholics are quiters
So this past Sunday at about 5am, my roommates and I decided to IHOP. So we get there and the waiter, who has to basically be everyone at IHOP besides the cook sits us down and is really chill and making jokes with us. Asks us why we were there at 5am and etc. Then we got to the point where the waiter says you guys must be alcoholics jokingly. I said nah alcoholics are quilters and my roommate says his quote of yeah "alcoholics are quiters , we are drunks". It was silent for a while and the waiter goes well you know I use to go to aa meetings and cleaned up my life and etc. As he goes on about how he changed his life, my head sinks deeper into my hand. He leaves to get our food and my roomate and I look at each other like fuck we fucked up. All is well after that. Paid 7 bucks for my meal and dropped a 10 for the waiter. Thinking that we stiffed him cause we all paid for it by card. He goes to the table sees the tip and jumps up and calls us awesome
Fim0458: you made a joke, while drunk, and he lectures you about how you've offended his sensibilities and how the joke wasn't factual, screw him. the only way you fucked up was by tipping him.
Fatty_Tompkins: This. Fuck that asshole yo!
ookaminohane: Well we weren't drunk that time
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1399335058 | 1399927953 | t3_24tkrc | t5_2to41 | 3,163 | hoorays4throwaways: TIFU by sucking my own dick
Let me get some things out of the way. I'm a straight male. I have been in a loving relationship for years and am perfectly fine with my life. I am posting this before I head out. Here we go:
So this morning, I woke up with the typical morning wood. I took my morning piss, showered, and went for a jog. When I got back, I was really horny for some reason, so I did the obvious, and fapped. I'm a regular fapper, so this time I wanted to try something that I only do on occasion. I was going to suck my own dick. Now, this may make me seem gay, which is fine, but I am most definitely straight. I only do this sometimes for a little extra pleasure. I'm a pretty flexible guy, and I don't exactly think I'm lacking in the dong department. This is where it starts getting pretty nsfw. I loaded up a nice film in which a woman is pleasuring herself in a bath, and her other female walks in and joins in on the fun. I removed the royal pants, and stretched for a bit. I've done this many times so I made my stretch pretty lackluster. I got into position (laying down, legs up and bent behind my head) and went to town. The feeling as I licked and stroked my shaft was so incredible, that I couldn't focus on the video. As I was about to finish, I heard a noise and zoned back in. I thought maybe my girlfriend came home from yoga early, so I began panicking. I waited a few seconds, and nothing happened, so I figured I might as well continue. When I got back to work, I noticed a sharp pain/soreness in my back. I figured this was just a minor pain because of my shitty stretching, and payed it no mind. Took me a few more minutes to finish, and I had one of the most amazing orgasms (on my face, not in my mouth) I've ever had.
When I unfolded from position, I felt an excruciating pain in my lower back, and could hardly move. It felt like kidney stones mixed with that scene from Batman where bane snapped his spine. I sat there writhing for a few minutes before even attempting to get up.
This. Fucking. Sucks. (pun intended hehe)
I've scheduled an appointment at the chiropractor to see if they can help, but I can hardly move. I'm afraid of my girlfriend coming home and me having to tell her. I'm afraid that I have to tell the chiropractor how I got in this situation. And most of all, I'm afraid that I've caused permanent damage to my back or spine. Sorry for the long post and thanks for reading.
TL;DR: Sucked my own dick without proper stretching. Threw out my back. Have to explain my situation to chiropractor and girlfriend.
EDIT: I'm not gonna lie, I forgot about this post. Until I got back from physical therapy a few days ago, I was getting test after test and telling the story to multiple people, each of which brought their friend and made me tell them. I'm still upset about all of this, and I'm probably never going to attempt it again. As horrible as I feel, at least my girlfriend was impressed (:
EDIT 2: I'm so sorry to anyone who I may have offended by constantly saying "I'm not gay". It was not at all my intention, and I was in pain, so I wasn't thinking straight (haha no pun intende- AHHH I DID IT AGAIN). Again, really sorry to anyone I offended with this. And yes, by the way, I shower before jogging, don't you? Weirdo.
love_is_elbow_deep: just say you were doing yoga or some shit, something that at least involves wearing pants.
lemonadegame: If you tell the truth they'll think you aren't serious. Lie and they'll definitely know you were tying to suck your own dick
totes_meta_bot: This thread has been linked to from elsewhere on reddit.
- [/r/nocontext] ["If you tell the truth they'll think you aren't serious. Lie and they'll definitely know you were tying to suck your own dick."](http://np.reddit.com/r/nocontext/comments/24ujg2/if_you_tell_the_truth_theyll_think_you_arent/)
*^I ^am ^a ^bot. ^Comments? ^Complaints? [^Message ^me ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fmeta_bot_mailbag) ^I ^don't ^read ^PMs!*
Bagnag: People posts fucking retarded shit to nocontext. It is sooo fucking annoying. Not everything you fucking see is nocontext material.
All i know, this will get posted in nocontext, cause people are THAT retarded.
megaRXB: This thread has been linked to from elsewhere on reddit.
- [/r/nocontext] ["im a dickwad."](http://np.reddit.com/r/nocontext/comments/24ujg2/if_you_tell_the_truth_theyll_think_you_arent/)
*^I ^am ^a ^bot. ^Comments? ^Complaints? [^Message ^me ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fmeta_bot_mailbag) ^I ^don't ^read ^PMs!*
Bagnag: How many /r/nocontext 's have you found, that ACTUALLY belong there? That aren't just weird in them selves, with context?
aginpro: /r/evenwithcontext
Bagnag: Exactly, they should ALL go into there, except a select few that actually are nocontext.
samwam: Lol so dumb
Bagnag: What's so dumb?
samwam: Case and point.
Bagnag: Good job making sense man.
frankferri: has anyone ever had been more even like as if ??? like wtf
| 14 | 225.928571 | |
1399338506 | 1399582803 | t3_24tq3n | t5_2to41 | 88 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my crush I was suicidal
Texting my crush, like normal. I have depression, and she was really curious about it and it got really annoying. Then she brought up the death of my best friend. I talked about how it still affects me and said sometimes it felt like death was a better option.
Fast forward to today, she had nightmares or something and freaked out. She then proceeded to tell her mother everything that I didn't want anyone else to know. She even had her mom call my dad and talk about it. Now my dad thinks I'm suicidal.
TL;DR crush brought up depressing thing. said I would rather die. tells her mother and my father. father thinks I'm suicidal.
Need a little help here, please D:
EDIT: some wording
busdriverjoe: It's terrible that she would violate your privacy and trust, but I imagine how she would feel if she thought you might kill yourself. She'd blame herself for not doing anything and keeping it to herself.
Not sure what to do, but good luck OP.
> I have depression
> father thinks I have depression.
Now he *knows* you have it. If they're misunderstanding your feelings, it's really only up to you to help them understand. Only if you want to, of course.
Pswansino: I meant father thinks I'm suicidal, I'll fix that
KoreaNinjaBJJ: I don't know how old you are. But your parents knowing that you have a depression. That is not a bad thing.
mrmcmaine: There's a difference between being depressed and being suicidal. Correlation does not equal causation and all that.
KoreaNinjaBJJ: Of course. But if they knew nothing about it. It is probably for the better. My experience with this, and I have had quite a few friends, who in their teens were depressed or suicidal - all girls btw - and that was definitely for the better when their parents found out.
Pswansino: Well the problem is I'm not suicidal anymore but now a lot of people are convinced that I am.
KoreaNinjaBJJ: So your parents told a lot of people or she did? If your parents told other people. They are the douchebags. If she did. She is a dumb bitch.
Pswansino: She did, she is now a dumb bitch.
Sethyboy0: It doesn't matter. No one cares anyway.
Pswansino: Thanks for all the encouragement, asshole!
Sethyboy0: I'm sorry but that's real life. No one cared when I was suicidal. Doubt it'll be much different for you.
| 12 | 7.333333 | |
1399341882 | 1399494432 | t3_24tvg2 | t5_2to41 | 81 | HiddenCumdumpster: TIFU by dumping cum in a dumpster
Well reddit, I fucked up big time.
I had eaten one of those "garbage candies" that come in small, green trash cans, and later I decided, "Hey, I should cum in there." So, I did.
The next day, while I was off at school, my mom decided to clean my room. I walked in, and there was the trash can. She told me tommorow she's "gonna sit me down for a little talk."
FUCK.
Will update.
EDIT: It seems she forgot, or she's waiting for something. But I'm safe for now.
[deleted]: What the fuck are garbage candies? Did a homeless person sell you drugs
HiddenCumdumpster: They are these little chewy candies, and no, I didn't take drugs from a homeless man
esearcher: Update on awkward talk about semen disposal?
HiddenCumdumpster: UPDATE
esearcher: Glad she (hopefully) forgot!
| 6 | 13.5 | |
1399344025 | 1399403320 | t3_24tysb | t5_2to41 | 36 | heyywazzupp: TIFU by forgetting about my chemistry final
My college general chemistry 1 exam was worth 30% of my final grade. Class only met on tuesday and thursday. I completely didn't realize that my chemistry exam was on a monday and not a tuesday. Now, the absolute maximum that I can get is a C.
Edit: I passed! I went from having an A, to having a C, but I still passed. This will screw my GPA, but at least I don't have to retake chemistry.
imadeofwaxdanny: Try going to talk to your professor. They may say too bad, but it's worth a try.
heyywazzupp: I e-mailed her and explained my mistake. She won't be on campus today and she has to put in the grades tomorrow. Hopefully by some miracle, she will pass me. I can only hope...
mykidisonhere: Flanagan?
heyywazzupp: Mobarrez.
| 5 | 7.2 | |
1399346900 | 1399357196 | t3_24u2uy | t5_2to41 | 27 | sandman369: TIFU with pushups even though I knew better
I've been struggling with some mysterious health issue for months now. I've had blood tests, ECGs, holter monitor, echogram, chest x-ray, abdominal ultrasounds, upper GI scope, yet everything always "looks normal".
My complaints were mainly that after a heavy meal I'd get the symptoms - palpitations, weakness, fatigue, chest discomfort, general "feel shitty" symptoms, and random inexplicable twinges or stitches, especially trying to sleep (if the meal was dinner which it usually was). But only recently have I tuned in to the fact that exercise does the same thing, and much stronger reaction the heavier the exercise.
So I stumbled on a 100-pushups plan and got enthusiastic, did the initial test to gauge how many I could do (13 before I couldn't push no more), and am now sitting in unpleasant regret.
At first my heart beat was heavy and fast and I felt like I wanted to pass out or throw up my heart through my throat, I was weak and fatigued, and the anxiety of thinking I might die just makes it worse (I've recognized I have anxiety lately so the worrying about symptoms has toned down but not disappeared altogether because wtf is wrong with me). *note, I've been dealing with this crap a while now and at first kept getting someone to take me to the hospital and I'm always "fine", so now I know I just have to calm down and ^^^there ^^^will ^^^be ^^^an ^^^answer let it be.
And for the past 3 hours my neck has been sore, there's pressure in my temples/eyes (sinuses?), my calves and feet are sore and cold and tingly/buzzy (like wtf, I do pushups and it fucks my legs and feet up?) weak and tired in a different-than-normal way, throat is slightly sore and tight (probably the anxiety). Not to mention the normal muscle soreness/fatigue from working them out (chest and arms - this one I recognize as normal, I've worked out before). Feels like a massive tension headache in my head, neck, AND feet/legs.
I knew heavy exercise fucks me up like this and that I don't know why yet, but I did it anyway. And now I'll get crappy sleep and feel like shit tomorrow, compounding the stress. I'm aware stress/anxiety can do physical stuff to you, but this seems like something's wrong with my circulation or the circulatory system or blood pressure or something and not knowing builds my stress. Fuckaluckaduck fuckity fuck.
**tl;dr** - Too much exercise fucks me up for hours yet I went ahead and did pushups to failure a couple hours before my bedtime and now I have a whole shitty night's sleep and day of feeling shitty tomorrow to look forward to, at the least. And still no knowledge wtf is wrong with me.
[deleted]: Like cushings? I hope not that though. Too much stress does cause a lot of problems. I figure, just a blood test doesn't cover everything and they may not have checked for something. It is so frustrating but I admire your determination to pursue answers instead of giving up. Demand to do a stress test. Sometimes you are your only advocate and a lot of people go a long time undiagnosed.
sandman369: Doesn't sound like Cushing's, sure there's a few similar symptoms but *everything* has a few similar symptoms. I really need to try not to Google anymore between doctor visits.
And yes I'll keep pursuing. I made a note in my checklist, "I know anxiety can do harm but I want to exhaust any physical causes, especially because of how bad I feel after exercise."
I mean, I want to exercise to elevate my mood and improve body functions, but I can't very well do that if a workout debilitates me for the day :/
[deleted]: Oh I knowww, about that google /webmd thing! Me too. Boy have I been there and every time it tells me I have cancer. You can connect a symptom to anything! How about walking? Even a light exercise like that has tremendous benefit. I swear it! And it's something easy to stick with. Don't listen to whatever any naysaying "joe expert" says against it. Walking more has changed lives. Whatever you can do, and Dumbells you are comfortable with if you want. You don't have to "no pain no gain" yourself! Even better if you can get your hands on a treadmill, very convenient in many ways. You can just stop right then and there if you feel the need. Something's better than nothing, and you don't need to push yourself reap the benefits. Push ups are a serious ass kicker man. Do you know if you have high blood pressure? Cutting down on sodium might help with something, if you eat a lot of pre packaged things. More fresh foods mr sandman, if you aren't already.
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1399342206 | 1399437775 | t3_24tw0f | t5_2to41 | 19 | canipaybycheck: /r/TIFU Mod Applications
Applications are closed.
Hey /r/tifu! We're excited to be opening mod applications today. Please read the entire post before commenting.
A couple of quick points:
* This post will be in contest mode and **votes will be ignored**. Don't waste your time or effort downvoting other applicants. If you're not applying and have legitimate concerns about someone who has applied (history modding together etc.), you can message us.
* While you won't be ignored if you have no modding experience, this is a difficult and large subreddit to moderate as a first one. We strongly recommend getting some experience in smaller subreddit - /r/needamod always has openings.
* The questions are long and involved because moderating requires a lot of time and effort. If you're turned off by the questions or have limited time to commit, please do not apply.
---
Please apply below. Take your time and make sure you're proud of your answers - we won't close applications for 2 days and speed won't be favoured. You can structure your response however you like but we would like you to answer the following questions:
1) What timezone do you live in and what hours do you normally reddit? How many hours a week do you normally use reddit?
2) What relevant experience do you have? What do you like and dislike about moderating?
3) Why do you want to mod /r/tifu? How long have you been a member of our community?
4) What does /r/tifu need to change? How would you improve /r/tifu by being on the team?
5) Should moderators “let the upvotes decide”?
6) What experience do you have with CSS3?
7) Is there anything we would want to be aware of before adding you?
---
If you have any questions about the process, please feel free to message the mod group.
agentlame: >What timezone do you live in and what hours do you normally reddit? How many hours a week do you normally use reddit?
EST
>What relevant experience do you have? What do you like and dislike about moderating?
Mod a few subs. I only dislike when teams don't get along.
>Why do you want to mod /r/tifu? How long have you been a member of our community?
I read this sub almost everyday, and regularly comment here.
>What does /r/tifu need to change? How would you improve /r/tifu by being on the team?
[Bring back the poop counter](http://www.reddit.com/r/ideasfortheadmins/comments/24p9bs/add_unix_timestamp_to_debuginfo_content/ch9lg8t). :) I really kinda like the sub as it is, so I don't think I'd want to see much changed, if anything at all.
>Should moderators “let the upvotes decide”?
Oi... mods should *moderate* their communities.
>What experience do you have with CSS3?
Nope.
>Is there anything we would want to be aware of before adding you?
I like sandwiches.
rya11111: what sandwiches do you like ? this might be an improtant criteria during the selection.
agentlame: Italian Subs are my fav. But I will seriously eat like anything if it's between two pieces of bread.
rya11111: noted.
eightNote: literally anything, I've seen pictures and videos.
| 6 | 3.166667 | |
1399352315 | 1399791892 | t3_24u9mq | t5_2to41 | 86 | jacobane94: TIFU by trying to lock my sister out of her phone
So I was trying to unlock my sister's phone and not even coming close. I figured it'd be funny to lock her out of the phone for however many minutes because hey siblings live to mess with each other. I failed the code ten times and sat back with a smug grin on my face, when I see the Android icon flash on the screen saying “deleting." My stomach knotted up when I realized that her phone doesn't lock you out.... It factory resets after 10 failed attempts. Now my sister lost all her contacts, photos, and parts of her schoolwork and I feel like a USDA certified, grade A, asshole.
Tl:dr tried to lock my sister out of phone, accidentally factory reset it.
That_Deaf_Guy: To all the people saying "she should have switched it off", that option is there for a reason. If your phone gets robbed and you don't set it to delete after a certain number of attempts, surely you're more fucked as they have access to your data? Think about how much personal data is stored on smartphones nowadays. Locking a phone on purpose is childish and he fucked up, not his sister.
old_guy_greg: He fucked up, yes, stupid joke. Still it's pretty stupid to have that option enabled and not have an updated backup.
Maizilla: Not sure if it's just a Verizon or HTC thing, but you can't turn off the 10 tries before wipe thing unless you completely get rid of the phone lock. It's pretty obnoxious.
old_guy_greg: Still pretty stupid not to back up.
Maizilla: Yeah for sure, it still sucks though
| 6 | 14.333333 | |
1399355132 | 1399592317 | t3_24uco1 | t5_2to41 | 147 | modot66: TIFU by juicing an entire bulb of garlic and drinking it
So, I've been sick and apparently garlic is supposed to be a healthy anti-oxidant and immune system booster.
"Great, I like garlic."
Google, Google, Google... Ok, juice one clove of garlic and one lemon then drink at least once a day.
"Sure, I can do that. A whole clove though? Seems like a lot."
In my weakened state clove = entire bulb of garlic. Begin peeling cloves, lots. Begin juicing cloves, only about a teaspoon of garlic juice comes out.
"Hmmm, kind of a waste of garlic", I think. Oh, you poor, poor bastard.
Juice lemon, check. Mix pale snot colored conconction. Think, "looks kinda nasty but here goes! They said online it isn't that bad."
Fluid hits mouth, down the hatch, instant regret. Fall to my knees immediately as hot waves rush over my body like the winds of a thousand cheap blow dryers. Clutching at my chest like I got stabbed, I think, "How the FUCK do people drink this everyday!!!"
Throwup. Dry heave. Back to Google Image Search..."garlic clove".
Shit...
tl;dr - was sick, confused a clove of garlic for the entire fucking bulb, juiced it, drank it, and felt like I was going to die. Moral of the story: don't be stupid.
ps - vampire free
Silverlight42: No sense in juicing it. Just chomp down on it. I can eat cloves. Could probably eat a whole bulb if I went a bit slow one at a time. Juicing it seems way more unappetizing to me.
Lereas: My wife's grandpa is in his 90s and has diabetes, but doesn't give a fuck. He fought for the soviet military in WW2, and now every morning gets up and does an hour of pushups, pull ups, situps, and stretches.
He eats an entire bulb of garlic raw every day, and says that's what keeps him healthy.
Silverlight42: I love putting garlic in nearly everything I cook... once though I went overboard in enough spaghetti to feed 8 people ;/ It was not good. I put a whole elephant bulb in it. It was also very hot with lotsa crushed chilis, cayenne pepper, etc. Ate it anyway.
| 4 | 36.75 | |
1399351177 | 1399422103 | t3_24u8br | t5_2to41 | 17 | ThrowawayShame1995: TIFU by almost having sex with a 15 year old guy friend
Preface so it's not as weird:
I'm a an 18 year old girl, but I look about 15 or 16. I often hang out with teenagers who are 16 or 17, but not people who are this young. I met my guy friend under kind of odd circumstances at a slam poetry contest, and we only hang out every month at that event.
Anyway, a few days ago, he told me about a concert/party that was going to be going on. I decided to go and have some fun because my SO and I are *this* close to breaking up, and I needed to get my mind off of things for a night. There was this little get together in the woods next to the concert hall. Weed and vodka was passed around liberally. He and I both got wasted. This was my first time drinking in three years, and his first time ever getting this drunk. We went inside, but didn't really feel up to going down to see the music yet, so we went upstairs. We were too drunk to sit in chairs properly, so we ended up just laying on the floor
At one point, he tried to get up but fell down over me instead. I kind of pushed him off to the side so we were just laying together. The next thing I know, he had crawled up on top of me and was in his best I'm-about-to-have-sex-for-the-first-time-missionary position. I was kind of enjoying it (not gonna lie) but in my state of mind, I was more worried about his hair in my face. I went on thinking about how he was just my height and weight. Just my size. A solid 7/10 Jewish looking kinda cute, and gotta be hiding something in those skinny jeans...
Suddenly, my eyes opened wide with a "Shit dude you're 15!" I was answers with a muffled "Unnggghnn!" I pushed him off of me. There was some resistance, but not much.
We got up, and with the help of friends, got to the dance floor and the night continued with much dancing and enjoying of music. Apologies were made later after we sobered up a bit.
tl;dr almost had sex with a 15 y/o guy friend, but realized it was wrong before things got too heavy.
shockingthomas: I gave a 15 y.o a bj the other week when he stayed the night at my place. It was totally consensual and he admitted that he wanted to know what it was like with another guy and he is only 1 month away from turning 16 - technically wrong but we both enjoyed the moment and the chances are it wont happen again. Sometimes it just is what it is.
[deleted]: Who initiated it? Did he cum in your mouth? Are you gay or bi? and how old are you?
Sorry...I'm a curious fucker.
KaemoZ: Well you're more than curious, sir.
[deleted]: And what would that make me?
| 5 | 3.4 | |
1399353477 | 1399394705 | t3_24ub03 | t5_2to41 | 317 | ShitBombThrowaway: TIFU by detonating a shit bomb during a final.
I'm using a throwaway because I know some friends know my real account, and I will never admit or accept the fact that this happened to me.
I'll start this off at Sunday night around 6:00 PM. I'm at my Aunt's house for dinner. It's a known fact in our family that she is a God awful cook. She can't even make pasta. Honesty, who can't boil noodles? Anyway, she made pulled pork, which is something I've never had at her house before. I thought maybe this would be her calling. At first, I thought this was actually the case. It tasted good and didn't smell like a rotting corpse.
This morning, I'm getting ready for class and freaking out a little bit since I had a final today. I commute to school so I still live at home. It's around 9:30 AM as I'm driving to class when I get a text from my Dad: "We were wrong." I replied asking what we were wrong about, but I had a feeling I already knew. His response: "Been in bathroom for 20 min now. End is not in sight. Mom feels sick too."
It was only a matter of time before this pulled pork plague claimed me too. I was praying that I could out run the runs and finish my final first.
I sat down at my desk to start my exam. I felt my stomach starting to churn, but I tried convincing myself it was only nerves. A few minutes later, the churning becomes a slight gurgle. At this point I'm starting to sweat. I'm about halfway through the exam, but if I leave the room to use the bathroom, I'm not allowed back in. The only thing left to do is clench and pray.
Ten minutes later, I'm losing this battle. I feel a heavy rumble building up in sigmoid colon. It doesn't feel like a shart, so I start building up the courage to find out. If the odds are in my favor and it's just your classic fart, I know it'll be enough to sustain me through the rest of this exam. It starts to creep through my rectum, but as it reaches my anus it builds force. It's too late to pull back now. I start second guessing every decision I've made in life thus far. The pressure builds.
Boom. First blood. No scope headshot. What I thought could have been a life saving fart turned out to be a devastating shit bubble. I felt that fecal fireball balloon up in my asshole and burst, painting my ass brown. I took a deep breath, filled in "C" for all the remaining questions on my scantron, waddled up to the front of the class room to hand it in, and made my way to the exit.
Up until this point, I refused to look up and make eye contact with anybody else in the classroom. As I was closing the door, I took a glance backwards and saw 30 of [these](http://imgur.com/9hQTvH0) watching me leave. Luckily, this was my last semester here.
TL;DR My aunt planted a pulled pork IED in my asshole.
SuburbanTroll: Reading this reminds me of that scene from [Van Wilder](http://youtu.be/lOyxm5R63RM?t=35s)
esearcher: There was a scene in The Inbetweeners (Original UK version) like this too.
NinjaCoachZ: "Phil...?"
beeraholikchik: [I thought it was safe...](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QX7YWpbUGbs)
| 5 | 63.4 | |
1399342692 | 1399447604 | t3_24twrs | t5_2to41 | 25 | Oradi: TIFU by only lightly heeding reddits warning about hot peppers
Went out and bought some habanero and jalapeno peppers. Cut them up washed my hands and figured I'd go take a shower. Before i hopped in I took a leak but didn't touch my junk just in case. Got in the shower, washed my hands real good for another 2 mins then proceeded to shower.
That's when it began to hit me. I started laughing at myself thinking it burns a bit but I'm so much better off than those other redditors. Then it started burning more and more... I couldn't open my eyes and now my dick and asshole were heated too.
Probably spent 10 min trying to flush everything out :(
But wait there's more... I had to explain to my roomate why I was yelling in the shower so that was a nice awkward conversation. By this point, the snot that had been coming out of my nose solidified and naturally I had to pick at it. Then my nose started burning. 5 mins of washing hands and a 15 minute shower and it still has power. Wtf!?
Let this be a lesson to you all. Don't touch anything near and dear for a long while afterwards.
DeliciousPumpkinPie: What the fuck kind of shitty soap are you using? Last time I made a batch of hot sauce with habaneros and cayennes, I washed my hands like normal and I was fine. You should invest in better soap.
Oradi: Well. I was in the shower when I thought to rinse them off. So I used gillette body wash.
DeliciousPumpkinPie: You said you washed your hands first, though... or did you just rinse them? Eh, no matter. The lesson you learned is to use proper soap to wash your hands after handling hot peppers. Body wash's primary function is not to clean you, but to make you smell like body wash. The surfactants aren't powerful enough to actually wash off anything like the oil from chili peppers.
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1399353792 | 1399975157 | t3_24ubbr | t5_2to41 | 50 | youtimestwo: TIFU by outing a coworker for sending me naked pictures
So I just started working in an office with a bunch of people I graduated with and we were having a big group training. There's a girl I've been flirting with for a while and while we still haven't gotten physical (she has a bf), there have been some... vivid texts and conversations.
I show up late (to my first day on the job, like a boss) and when I get into the meeting room full of classmates and a few new coworkers we've never met, the girl says "Did you get the text I sent you last night?" to which I instinctively respond "Oh, the naked pictures? Yep!"
Fuck. I'm still in college mode and have no filter.
Her face goes beet red and she completely ignores me for the rest of the day, after work she beelines out of the office for her car. I mean I understand it's embarrassing for her to have me make a joke like that on the first day at our post-grad job, but it's not like she ACTUALLY sent me naked pictures.
HollowPointBullet: She deserves it for cheating on her boyfriend.
Btw, both of you are an ass.
Csardonic1: She didn't actually send him naked pics, but it sounds like she's still cheating.
HollowPointBullet: Yeah but I wonder if she didn't send pictures at that time.
| 4 | 12.5 | |
1399360739 | 1399487837 | t3_24uhvd | t5_2to41 | 484 | bobs_throwaway_: TIFU my life by having one night stands.
About 18 months ago, broke up with the love of my life (only I didn't realize it then).
Since then, getting laid was my priority. Being an overly-confident, 24 year old, 8/10 guy (who has the gift of one-liners) makes it pretty easy to pick up drunk girls. Had sex with 13 different girls last year and fooled around with about another 10. Mostly one-night stands, but a few fuckbuddies.
Last few months I have been getting night sweats, as well as seemingly having some kind of flu every two weeks or so. I am a heavy smoker and drinker so attributed it to my hectic lifestyle on the weekends.
But for work last week had some blood tests. Turns out I now have HIV. Doctor who gave me the news wanted to put me on ARVs right away, but I said I would seek alternative treatment and left immediately, freaking the fuck out and scared for my life. I don't know what to do.
**edit:** I am pretty sure I know the girl I got it from. Luckily this was the last girl I slept with last year, we had a condom break 1/2 way through and just carried on; I used protection for each other girl (even the ones on BC). Although, I will tell everyone that I have slept with since my last test (December 2012).
I also am not going to undergo alternative treatment. I just said that to get the fuck out of the clinic as I couldn't stand to be in there any longer. (I had been waiting over an hour for a doc to see me to give me my results and just freaked the fuck out). I will go tomorrow and get onto the ARVs, and probably have my last drink and smoke tonight.
**edit2:** This was not a retest. I am in South Africa and as AFAIK it is pretty standard to immediately get put on ARVs as soon as you are diagnosed with HIV-1. And also, it wasn't a 15 min test. They drew blood and took a urine sample and sent it to a lab to test for an array of STDs, syphilis and usual shit which I needed for work. They called me in a week later (yesterday) and doc said something about P24 being reactive and HIV antibodies being detected. If you really doubt me, PM and I will send a photo of the results sheet.
**edit3:** Okay, will get a retest and post the results here in a couple weeks. Thanks all for the support.
[deleted]: It's pretty rare for men to get HIV from women. If you have not had gay sex or Iv drugs, get retested. Although if they were going to put you on meds I'm guessing that already was a retest?
lovesfunnyposts: Agree. this would be a pretty weird thing to lie about for karma, but I am certainly curious because the statistical likelihood of contracting HIV from a one night stand in which a condom broke during normal hetro sex has to be pretty slight.
TheCatPaul: Chances are about 1/2500 for a male. And then ontop of that you need to actually have sex with someone who has HIV, and unless they are homosexual men, are prostitutes or uses IV drugs then those people are very rare.
Ontop of that is the condom thing.
And if the girl he was with is on antiviral the chance is very very very close to 0.
I'm not 100% calling bullshit because it can certainly happen, but it is pretty damn unlikely.
http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/policies/law/risk.html
Another thing, what kind of weird blodtests are they taking where they either check your t-cell count or test for HIV?
One of the main reasons why HIV is so rampant in large parts of Africa is because they "dry up" the vagina with sand, which usually results in blood, blood + sex = high chance of contracting HIV.
[deleted]: > they "dry up" the vagina with sand
Why the fuck would anyone do this? That's so counterproductive
Darkofday: Because they think it feels better.
Socratesticles: Those are some sadistic bastards.
tabari: I think that's masochism, rather than sadism.
| 8 | 60.5 | |
1399373842 | 1399413436 | t3_24urrq | t5_2to41 | 9 | LosiToay: TIFU by crying over an exam in front of the guy I'm sleeping with
He has issues with social anxiety and wasn't in a good mood to start with. I don't think i'm getting laid for a while.
[deleted]: well its his loss if he cant handle you at an emotional low. Just because he's in a shitty mood doesnt mean you should be afraid to express yourself.
beyondb: YOU TELL EM GUUURL
NorthernNights: ^snap ^snap
snap snap
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1399396335 | 1399495712 | t3_24vm43 | t5_2to41 | 51 | CoolYo: TIFU by clicking on a nsfw subreddit while on my work Wi-Fi
On my phone using Reddit is Fun, logged in with my own credentials after connecting to my work Wi-Fi. I totally forgot to log out. Seeing as I work in an IT department, I'm assuming it's easy to look up browsing histories especially if magic words like "nsfw" and other porn vocab pop up after loading the subreddit.
I'm expecting an invite to my boss's office sometime soon.
But I also may just be paranoid.
SpontaneousLightBulb: You are just paranoid. I have my phone hooked up tot he wifi all the time, but I have Android and the Private Internet Access VPN background app. It's a dream.
For on computer browsing, I have an encrypted virtual machine installed so the cookies can't be read, and I do my browsing by VPN within the virtual machine as well.
corobo: Watch out on this friend, a VPN means a hefty amount of encrypted traffic which means you _could_ be sending the company's secrets/customer lists to a third party if anyone's ever digging up dirt on you
SpontaneousLightBulb: I hear that! That's a very good point. Still never operating a botnet or doing nsfw stuff, so it could be verified, but you are right that it could be a pain. Also, depending on company contract concerning reasonable use of devices, that could be enough reason for termination.
corobo: Personally it'd only appear on my radar if you were clogging up the network with noticeable up/downloads to be fair, it'd look dodgy all that traffic going to {your VPN endpoint}
SpontaneousLightBulb: Yeah, not doing anything like that. Just redditing, banking, emails, etc.
corobo: Ah only difference to normal https traffic then is that the traffic is going to the same place. It'll probably never come up :)
| 7 | 7.285714 | |
1399391025 | 1399441050 | t3_24vd9h | t5_2to41 | 5 | Ghost17088: TIFU by entering the wrong amount for CF-0 and possibly failing finance my final costing me my 4.0 that I have had for the last 3 years of college.
So I was going into this exam well prepared and feeling really good about it. The exam was super easy, finished it and was feeling pretty good. Then, I talked to one of my classmates and he mentioned that he had a much different answer for IRR and asked if I added in the $500,000 initial purchase price.
Fuck.
That question was worth 40% of the exam. The 2 questions after it were worth 15% of the exam and relied on the (wrong) answer I got in the first question. I needed an A on this exam to pull an A in the class. Goodbye 4.0, looks like I'm only going to get a 3.75 this semester.
mendej: how will you ever get anywhere in life now?
Ghost17088: Not worried about that, it just sucks that I worked this hard and lost it with a stupid mistake like this.
Spaceguy5: But that's okay. I've heard recruiters say that they're skeptical of anyone with a perfect 4.0 because they envision someone who spends all their time memorizing textbooks without socializing or doing extracurricular.
Ghost17088: That's why my resume has my extracurriculars that are relevant, lol.
| 5 | 1 | |
1399401586 | 1399471400 | t3_24vv8m | t5_2to41 | 1,313 | bobcatbro: TIFU by falling asleep in class
Not today but two weeks ago today, just took the final so fuck it right? I never knew i was into S&M, but hey, I made the decision to take an 8am class right? Wake up late, throw on boxers, basketball shorts and a t shirt, get to class late. I'm sitting in class learning about courts and criminal procedures, which is better at putting you to sleep than sounds of the ocean, and after the first 45 minutes i start to head-bob to imaginary music, followed by the chick next to me bumping my shoulder to wake me up.
the prof just called for latecomers to come to the front and sign in before everybody else gets up to leave so people will smoothly exit. I groggily pop out of me seat, grab my bag and a pen and head to the front to sign the sheet and make for my bed like a frat daddy who saw a sperry and polo sale. Check, sign, date, turn around and feel something smack the leg of the table, proceed to go to the door. I get out of class and realize that I had a glorious case of morning wood that was nice and obvious (see boxers and basketball shorts). nobody ever said anything and I made sure to sit far from that praticular chick again sense im 99% sure I brandished my dong in her face.
tl;dr: gave my entire class a show, didnt make them pay to see
Chunibrow: How could you have a boner and not know it...?
Kenny__Loggins: Sometimes you get a ghost boner and can't feel it at all. It's caused when you get overexcited sexually and the neurons actually stop processing the sensation coming from your penis.
Schlaap: I had no idea this was possible. I always thought you guys felt it. TIL.
Kenny__Loggins: Before you make an idiot of yourself, I made all that shit up. We can totally always feel our boners. And yes, we always want to put them in you. Sorry. It's a curse.
Schlaap: Ha. I just texted a guy friend of mine for independent verification. He said it's possible if you were naked or wearing clothes that offer no resistance.
Kenny__Loggins: If you have no feeling in your penis, yes.
RCIX: Meh, hard ons/morning wood is difficult to ignore but if you're waking up I can see it being not noticed for a few minutes.
Kenny__Loggins: I could see it in OPs situation. Not for a few minutes though. I couldn't for sure
| 9 | 145.888889 | |
1399416975 | 1399467544 | t3_24wl04 | t5_2to41 | 109 | pepperamerica: TIFU by trying to be charming.
Using a throwaway just because of the cringe involved on my part in this story.
Anyway, it wasn't today, it was a few months back when I first moved to New York. The first few days were raining so I decided fuck it, I'm not going to sit around moping, I'm gonna try get some pussy. Anyway, before I moved I would see this tv ad http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5Vm2vNxXj4 incessantly rape my screen. I mean I was *sick* of this fucking ad, every time I would hear that boom chicka boom bada dee at the start I'd begin to wish I wasn't born. Anyway I saw it enough that it stuck with me, so, being the ladies man I am, decided to don my best suit, and go out holding a closed umbrella. **Bad** idea. First off it was *freezing* and I was soaking wet. I thought it would look cool of me to walk through the streets, unperturbed by this downpour of satan's piss. I must have looked like a wet dog. Anyway I *finally* see my damsel in distress, and, as suave as I can, try to replicate what he did in the ad. Terrible, terrible mistake. Evidently I wasn't handsome enough or some other factor because next thing I knew I was lying on the ground, and man, my **FUCKING EYES**. The bitch had pepper sprayed me. And she was screaming all sorts of shit, and I still couldn't see, and there was a huge crowd of people. I'd never been more embarrassed in my life.
SquiddyTheMouse: "How *dare* you offer me your umbrella, you creep!"
Seriously, what the fuck.
Edit: I think I should clarify that when I say "what the fuck", I mean that her reaction was a bit over the top. OP did nothing wrong, but still got pepper sprayed.
glottal__stop: She probably thought he was mildly insane because he had an umbrella but wasn't using it in heavy rain. I would think he's crazy too.
SquiddyTheMouse: True, and I myself would feel a bit awkward if some dude just tried to give me his umbrella, but he was just trying to help her. She shouldn't have reacted like that.
glottal__stop: Well I suppose it also depends on the surroundings. If there were a lot of people around, I'm inclined to agree slightly. However, if it was just OP and this girl, it makes total sense why she did it.
SquiddyTheMouse: I agree. If they were alone, it would be more acceptable for her to pepper spray him, but as OP said
>and there was a huge crowd of people
There were a lot of people around, he was offering her his umbrella. There's nothing wrong with what OP did.
Personally, I think that a lot of people overreact when men approach them. I think that pepper spray should be made less available. I've never been sprayed, but apparently [US grade pepper spray is 2,000,000 - 5,300,000 Scoville units. That's worse than squashing habanero chillies into your eyes.](http://blogs.plos.org/speakeasyscience/files/2011/11/chilitemp.jpg)
That would burn like a *motherfucker* holy shit, do people not realize how much fucking damage you could do with that stuff?
[deleted]: I believe only police-issue pepper spray is that strong. The stuff available to citizens is only about 500,000.
SquiddyTheMouse: Oh, okay. I didn't know that. It's still really strong though. I wouldn't like to get it in my eyes.
| 8 | 13.625 | |
1399426957 | 1399504032 | t3_24wzr8 | t5_2to41 | 95 | embarassmenttt: TIFU by peeing in the bed of the guy I really liked [UPDATE]
[Original Post](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/24msjf/tifu_by_peeing_in_the_bed_of_the_guy_i_really/)
Update: guy was not okay with it (yeah, I get it). Told me not to worry about it, I texted him, no response.
BUT! I met another awesome guy around the same time, and that's going well. As in, he is part owner of the bar down the street, and the other night we closed down three bars before heading back to his to continue the night. Partly in his back office.
poohspiglet: Right out of the frying pan and back into the fire for you, huh?
embarassmenttt: Maybe one day I'll learn. But today is not that day.
OnyxEcho: On May 26 2014 at 2:36 p.m, you'll return to this sub saying you learned.
There's my prediction.
embarassmenttt: Shall we start a pool?
Voyager5555: Just so you can pee in it? I think not.
CoolTom: Come on man everyone pees in the pool.
| 7 | 13.571429 | |
1399430150 | 1399461870 | t3_24x4kh | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by spinning in the hallway
So I was spinning around the corner of a hallway in my school. I have been working on this relationship wittlh my crush that I need to make work. If you haven't guessed by now, she was right there, looking at me execute my 270° corner spin. The incident passes without any consequences. But oh, it gets worse. After the bell, i go to a freinds locker who is near her. I lean over and say "Hey, did you see my spin move" the response was a myyeahm. [My inspiration](http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view4/1602327/spin-move-o.gif)
glottal__stop: What are you, 12?
Nikoganson: No, just highly energetic.
glottal__stop: It isn't a tifu
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1399409093 | 1399438017 | t3_24w7zv | t5_2to41 | 53 | mckeefner: TIFU by not reading everything
Not today, but my freshman year of college. I finally decided to leave myspace and make a facebook. Cool. New college, new me....to say the least.
I got back from my first day of "big boy" classes and was feeling pretty smart so I decided I could wiz through all of the facebook registration. Cool done. and done. Now to add friends and upload a few pics. Done. Later that night I receive a new message from a kid I went to highschool with and apparently that summer he had come out and is now openly gay. Cue the weird messages I start getting from him. They keep progressively getting weirder and weirder. Finally he starts talking about how cool I am and that we should hang out. I decline because he was kind of creeping me out. Like pushing it trying to hang out and I got the weird vibe. After a few minutes of silence he just starts saying how hot I am and what he would do to me.
I start freaking out and i'm thinking what the hell?? so I respond saying how many hot girls there are in college and how much "I like cookies and milk" Exact quote there, folks. After I keep talking about the girls, he flat out asks me if I am gay or not and sounds pretty upset about this whole situation. I tell him, I am straight as an arrow. He responds by "Oh, well on your fb it says you're into dudes"
Que the embarrassment and me feeling like an ass. After that we did not talk much. And that is how I fucked up my first day in college.
Matttized: What is this, 2005? I'm sorry OP, but it's kind of late to be switching to Facebook now.
Sorry about the awkwardness though.
mckeefner: Actually yeah it was in 2005! Lol
| 3 | 17.666667 |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.