start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1399427520 | 1399434343 | t3_24x0lu | t5_2to41 | 17 | EnderWyatt: TIFU by mooning several passersby as well as some children
So, everyday after school, I have to pick up my little brother from his after school program at a little daycare center not far from my apartment. I can't drive yet, my parents are at work, my bike's in the basement, and I'm taking a season off from rowing (my primary sport) because my old team is full of clique-y seniors who hate me for being un-athletic, so I walk the short distance from my apartment because it's a nice enough walk and I need the exercise. Usually, I get caught up looking at something on reddit or doing my homework, so I lose track of time. Today, I look at the clock and I realize that I need to be there to pick him up in about 15 minutes. I haphazardly throw on my sneakers and burst out the door in a frenzy before the daycare people give me a strike for not picking up my brother on time. I realize that I've still got plenty of time before I need to be there, and I can see all the kids out on the playground outside the building, so I slow down and glance towards my shoelaces. I see that they're untied and flopping uselessly in the mud, so I bend over the tie them. So at this point, I'm bent over, with my back to the kids and their parents, and I kind of feel my boxers start to slide down my ass. I've almost finished tying my shoes, and I shrugged off the sensation of clothing falling off until I hear in the distance "Mommy, I can see that boy's heinie!". I stand up, hike my pants up, Steve Urkel style, blush my way through the crowd of mortified parents and giggling children, walk inside the building, retrieve my brother, and walk home in shame.
TL;DR I tie my shoes and show a bunch of 3rd graders my butthole.
Shintri: On a good note the exercise must be working if your clothes are just falling off you.
EnderWyatt: That, or my only pair of pants that weren't in the wash this morning were a size too big, and I took my belt off when I got home.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1399442124 | 1399523400 | t3_24x8k7 | t5_2to41 | 19 | SquiddyTheMouse: As a fellow female homosapien, I always use a private window for anything that could even be considered a bit "strange", or if I need to google any symptoms or anything, because although my laptop is password protected, and I'm the only one with access to it, I sometimes have to show my mum or brother something, or they'll ask to use it because their computers aren't working.
It's just easier for everyone if you use a private window for that kind of stuff.
Blackpugs: Now if only I could go back in time..
SquiddyTheMouse: We should try and make a time machine.
Luxin: I'm in.
SquiddyTheMouse: Okay, now we just have to figure out how do do this
Luxin: Do we fly really fast in the direction that the earth spins, or the other way?
SquiddyTheMouse: *Both*.
| 7 | 2.714286 | |
1399437345 | 1399478721 | t3_24xeiu | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by yawning in class at Cornell
Professor got really pissed and made a whole speech. It was really awkward.
alleypro: OP just wants to brag about being in Cornell
propsair: No, I believe it's a reference to [this] (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QuLaQoQP9oo&feature=youtu.be)
[deleted]: thank you
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1399442377 | 1399517599 | t3_24xk1g | t5_2to41 | 72 | ecclectic: TIFU by spraying a 100GPM pump at a wall, twice.
I work for a company that makes hydraulic systems, mostly for oil, gas, mining and logging industries.
Part of what we do requires us to rent out very powerful hydraulic systems that provide very high flow rates to ensure that all the lines are clean before the actual supply unit is connected (it's amazing what comes back in these things sometimes.)
We had one come back with an unknown fluid that was very contaminated, so after spending the better part of 4 hours cleaning the inside, outside and filtres on the system, we had to purge the system lines with clean fluid.
I was unaware of the exact flow rate of this particular system, aside from knowing it was fairly high, so I went with the suggestion from the project manager and initially fed the lines into a 5 gallon bucket. Upon the project manager energizing the system, the bucket and about 7 gallons of hydraulic fluid sprayed across a wall covered in electrical boxes providing from 115-600v of power, as well as a 112KVa panel and 2 transformers.
So after cleaning all that off and procuring a 45 gallon drum to feed the to be waste oil into, we set up to try again. This time, the suction doesn't catch, so the PC asks me to check if we've got flow, so I pull the end of the tube up to where I can see the end of it. 100GPM running through 1.25" tubing creates a startling amount of thrust, which launched the tube out of the drum, spraying the wall, again, and splashing hydraulic fluid off the top of the drum onto pretty much everything within an 8' radius.
Not my most auspicious day, to be sure.
strong9510: High five on that one, been there myself. Forgot to hook up a return line from a units quick disconnect. ended up blowing a hole out of the oil cooler. dumping gallons of oil all over the test booth and our DC load bank. I hate hydraulic oil some days...
ecclectic: That sounds like its own tifu right there.
How was it configured that the cooler managed to get that pressurized?
strong9510: I was experiencing a moment of dumb. My pump was powering a motor on a compressor. Normally i have to dial up the pressure a bit to get over the compression stroke of the compressor. Without anywhere for the oil to go. POP-sploosh-fuuuuuuuuck
ecclectic: Daaamn.
It's amazing how quickly pressure can build up.
strong9510: And also amazing how much 20 or in your case 100 gpm can spew out in a few seconds
| 6 | 12 | |
1399446791 | 1399463994 | t3_24xnz1 | t5_2to41 | 20 | TheyCallMeAnon: TIFU by ruining a friendship over a misunderstanding
notgayinathreeway: All of this sounds horribly pathetic and stupid, to be honest, and through your text you come off as incredibly socially awkward and weird.
This is coming from a socially awkward man who met his girlfriend online.
All of it sounds like just stupid internet drama and teen bullshit, and you'd probably be better off just leaving all of this behind you and going outside.
Seriously, like, who even threatens to stop using a text messaging program? Is that even a thing?
LadyPoecilotheria: This. I wish I could upvote it twice.
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1399449378 | 1399516776 | t3_24xpy6 | t5_2to41 | 133 | shitalloverme: TIFU By lying to my parents and possibly getting kicked out of college.
This is more of a life fuckup, but it really came to a head today. Throwaway.
Background: I struggled through a really nice high school. Taking AP classes, I somehow manage to have a 2.4 GPA going in to senior year. Kick ass the whole way through, graduate with a 3.001, finally accepted off a couple waitlists to decent state schools. Cool.
Fast forward, sophomore year of college. I start failing classes. Failing miserably. Too depressed to get out of bed, not motivated to go, start getting 1.0 GPA's for the semester and the like. Every couple semesters I end up with a 2.8 or something reasonable, but I'm on a heavy downward slope from a decent freshman year.
The whole time, I have been lying to my parents about grades. Make it seem like I'm getting a 3.0 every semester, fake the smile. Both of my sisters are getting Dean's list every time, one of them is going to a top 3 medical school. I'm making it appear that I'm inching by at a state university.
Today, after being on academic probation for a year, I get a text from my mother.
"Seems you're having trouble at school"
"What's wrong? Something I can go to campus and fix?" (I had legitimate enrollment issues in the past that had to be taken care of-- messages like this were alarming but I could play them off)
"I got something from your school in the mail today, says you're on academic suspension"
*FUCK*. I don't need to look up the school's definition of suspension to tell you that, even if I can still finish my degree and graduate, I still won't be getting a job in my field.
I have a decent job right now, better than most are being paid at my age, but it's not a career. Even if I wasn't going to get a job with my degree, it's better to have one than it is to fail out.
No happy endings here, folks. The best I see happening when I talk to my parents for real tomorrow is that they don't disown me. Worst case, I've destroyed my family life and I am on my own with something barely better than a dead end job. **I know I'm an idiot for all of this**. Maybe I can start fresh and dig myself out, but it's going to take years to do.
tl;dr Lied to my parents about grades throughout college, and at the end of my 4th year I am looking at getting kicked out of school/being offed by my parents.
Picnut: Tell them the truth. Parents worry. Let them know you've been depressed and it's been difficult to study and go to class. If they don't suggest it, you bring up that maybe you need to see a doctor. Depression f@cks you up, it's real, and can be helped. They just want what's best for you. You aren't slacking, there is legitimately something wrong. Ask for their help. (P.S. Cry a lot, we parents are suckers for it.)
ButtKyler: Although I agree with you about depression. I also just want to add that college/school isn't for everybody.
My father got kicked out of college after his first semester, he know makes well over 90k and owns his own business.
My cousin went to college for a year and a half before flunking out. He now runs a martial arts school (tae kwon do) and is a Master in his art.
Just because you didn't do well in school, doesn't mean you can't do well in life.
rondiculous: This, very much.
I dropped out of high school at 16 and started working a minimum wage job to help support my single mother / brothers and sister. I thought as a high school dropout I'd always work low paying jobs, but I found a field I was passionate about and got good at it. I got a low income job in a tech field and worked my way up, I acquired certifications and soon the certs combined with 5 to 7 years experience on my resume was trumping the kids out of college with degrees. I'm now earning 70k/year on track to be clearing six figures by the time I'm 35 (I'm 29 now)
There is hope for everyone, man. You don't need a college degree to make it out there, you just need perseverance.
just_ducky_in_NH: Wish I could up vote you more!
| 5 | 26.6 | |
1399436116 | 1399608995 | t3_24xcxq | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving my computer password as a profanity and then breaking it
So I had left my computer password as a profanity, and it crapped out on me and it won't turn on. Now I can't take it to the computer guy because he'll ask me the password and I'll look like a mad racist.
sassafrassonassis: dude, that computer guy has heard and seen soooooo much worse, don't worry about it
mrmcmaine: How much child porn do you assume the average computer repair person encounters on their career?
sassafrassonassis: i couldnt tell if that was rhetorical or you thought my statement was somehow referring to only child porn... i'm going to guess the first one, but just in case it's the second one, where did child porn come from? XD
mrmcmaine: I didn't think that you were specifically referring to child porn *but* "soooooo much worse" covers a very vague, wide range of things, which could easily include child porn.
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1399429790 | 1399506685 | t3_24x41n | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU By introducing my best friend to the floor
It's a boring English class, last period. We're all tired, bored and hungry. Luckily I'm sitting next to a bunch of my friends and we can fuck around for the whole class while occasionally taking notes from a Powerpoint or something. Good fun. Amidst some sort of poking battle I'm having with my best friend, he goes up to turn off the lights. Being the little shit I am, I decide to pull his chair slightly back. He'll stumble a bit and then we'll both laugh, right?
Wrong.
Seriously, what do *you* think happens next? I'm sitting there, and my friend is sprawled out on the floor, clutching his back and writhing in pain. By this point the whole class has taken notice of the little incident. Our teacher, being as irrational as she is, looks straight at my best friend and tells him to talk to her after class. All I can think right now is *"wow, I'm a grade A asshole."*
Luckily for me, my friend laughed it off eventually and snuck out before the teacher could talk to him. I swear, I would've admitted it was my fault, though.^^^Scout's ^^^honor...
ZachMartin: That's not even funny...not even in a chris farley movie. You should stop doing this immediately. If you don't, you can give someone a broken coccyx, injured vertabrae or worse. I hope your parents have a lot of umbrella liability coverage. Seriously, don't do this anymore.
That_Deaf_Guy: Why not just ban fun and jokes/pranks? That'll make the world nice and safe. /s
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1399468794 | 1399605694 | t3_24y6f0 | t5_2to41 | 116 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting suspended and trying my besst to lie about it
I'm a B average student who is very good at following directions and I always try my best to stay out of trouble. I have disappointed and disgraced my family by lying to the faculty and staff of my school and my parents.
Yesterday I drove my pals car outside of school to go enjoy some Chick-Fil-A with four other buddies in another car and one who was in the car with me. I drove out when I am stopped by my African Math Teacher he said where are you going. Lie #1 I pointed to my buddy and said "My brother and I are going home sir we forgot our project". He says OK and we continue to drive off. HE didn't stop the other four behind us because there windows were tinted so he didn't notice they were his students.
We drive to Chick-Fil-A and get out to sit down and eat when guess who walks in. My math teacher. Everyone sinks into their chairs and proceeds to crawl out Chick-Fil-A literally crawl. He then spots us getting into our cars by looking out of the windows. HE runs outside to stop us but we sped off.
My buddy is a senior and I didn't want him to get in trouble so I went and turned myself in because the assistant principal and I are pretty close you know. We both go to UM games and my mother works there perfect couple right. Wrong. Lie #2 I told him I drove off and I was alone.
So then the friend whose car I was driving came in and said he did not allow me to drive his car which he did so me being black and driving a car thats not mine. We all know the next words were Grand Theft Auto. They got the police involved and my assistant principal said call your parents. Lie #3 in a panic I sent him to a google voice number and he said how do you get home. Lie #4 I told him bus and that my father could never make it in time he drives from Opa Locka. He told me to make sure I did not come to school until a parent had escorted me to his office and they had spoke face to face.
So I got home and in the most psychic of ways my parents had asked me if anything was wrong. I profusely exclaimed no and began to lie about why I was upset. Lie number four trust me it gets worse. So I slept and planned out my moves for the next day I was gonna go to class and be quiet as a mouse.
I am a very popular person so me being quiet not drawing attention to myself for some reason wreaked havoc amongst the people in my school. I feel as if someone just had to point me out. So our principal came into the class noticed me and took me to his office. My principal asked where's your father. Lie #5 "He is my grandmother's funeral". HE sent me out of the office called my dad and when he did in came my father thirty minutes later.
He told him I lied hellaciously and that I would not have been punished so harshly if I had told the truth. I vow to not only tell the truth but to abide by the rules of the school and the law. I had gotten suspended for ten days the first person in my family to do so. My mother was very disappointed and cried all last night. And all my dad could say when we got into his car is "Damn son, today you Fucked Up."
LordXenu40: You go to MLEC dont you? Who was it, boulay or desiree?
thecorruptfew___: boulay ... This is awkward
thecorruptfew___: who is this
Monso: Your math teacher. He knows you lied about this whole story!!
LordXenu40: Lol nah, i was class of 2012 at that school
We had chick fil a, elevation burger, taco bell, and wendys within walking distance so i was surprised his story didnt happen more often...
mrb11n: Just had elevation burger for the first time this past winter break coming home from college. So good.
LordXenu40: Especially the fries and coffee milkshakes, delicious!
Great now i want elevation burger...
| 8 | 14.5 | |
1399468609 | 1399662411 | t3_24y66r | t5_2to41 | 11 | ultimatefribble: TIFU by spilling a shake in my car
Apparently the lids on Sonic Java Chillers (tm) don't hold to the cup very well. Yeah, it's the lid's fault. Mmm hmm that's the ticket! Anyway my car has a lot of dark recesses where things can fall in and can't easily be retrieved, like under the emergency brake/shifter thingie, and on the sliding mount for the seat.
I did what I could to clean up, but I have a feeling I'll be smelling whatever a Sonic Java Chiller turns into after baking in the hot sun for the next 100,000 miles :( Even my hands still smell suspiciously Java Chillery and I've washed them like 20 times. On the up side, the girl at the Sonic felt badly for me and made me another one, which I didn't spill, so I got a nice coffee buzz going and cleaned with great vigor. [BONUS TIFU] Then I tried to eat my hotdog and breathed in a piece of relish instead.
Sponger544: I own a 92 integra with no cupholders.. The only place i can store my drinks is between my hand brake and driver seat.. It's not easy holding on to the cup and shifting gears...
ultimatefribble: My 92 Civic had cup holders but they were too small for a lot of drinks, so I used to do the same trick, with less than 100% cleanliness!
Sponger544: Right? I think I've had about 75% cleanliness. One time i shifted to second and launched a drink to the back seat :(
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1399471240 | 1399500012 | t3_24y9k8 | t5_2to41 | 4,678 | YejRev: TIFU by having sex in the spa
First time post, thought you'd like to share my cringe.
Just bought our house (circa. 1970s) about 3 weeks ago. A few problems since, like rotting joists, wear and tear, nothing too bad. My SO and I were having a good old hump day drink and it ended up getting freaky. After a while she suggested we take the party to the spa, which we had used only once.
Before I go on, our grease pit had overflowed the day before and we had yet to have it emptied. For those unfamiliar with a grey water system, the grease pit filters all the gunk (anything foreign in with the waste water ie. meat scraps, soap scum, etc.) from the water before it flows into the grey water tank and then into the garden. It only has to be emptied every 10-15 years so it can get pretty nasty. A full grease pit means no water to the garden, and there's only one other way it can go. Back up.
Anyway, back to the spa. By this stage we were pretty drunk and go at it for 5 minutes or so (i'm 6'4" so this was sort of uncomfortable) before getting out.
Upon opening the bathroom door we smelled the stink of the full grease pit. Didn't think much of it in our drunken state as it had stunk since it had overflowed the day before so went back into the bedroom to finish up. Afterwards, I went back into the bathroom to shower and the smell hit me.. really bad. My post-coitus glow slowly faded as my foggy drunken brain started to connect the dots, and I realised that I had just plugged my SO in backed up bacteria-infested waste water and continued to have clueless sex whilst burying the bacteria deeper and deeper.
Went back to tell her (she was still connecting the dots) and we both showered for 30+ mins, scrubbing out our bits with every tool we could find. Pretty worried about infection at this stage so will keep you updated..
TL, DR: Fucked my girlfriend in backed up grey/waste water while drunk, didn't realise until well after the fact. Waiting on impending urinary tract infection(s).
LocoDelco: Ew.
Ew ew.
Ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew.
Ew.
Best of luck to you!
Prufrock451: **FOOTNOTES**
1. Ew.
supguvnah: *P.S.*
- Ew.
JonyTehNinja: Summary:
* Ew^ew^ew^ew^ew^ew^ew^ew
MBorkBorkBork: TL;DR: Ew.
whiskey-monk: EW, Yejrev. "TIFU by Having Sex in the Spa." *TIFU by Having Sex in the Spa*
:. TIFU, 7 May 2014. Web. 07 May 2014.
Sean5861: Sick reference.
AgCat1340: Everyone knows his references are always so sick.
TheCrimsonJin: "Everyone knows his references are outta control."
FTFY
Heetler: http://i.imgur.com/7dl8kSr.gif
gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/CloudyFluffyArcticduck](http://gfycat.com/CloudyFluffyArcticduck)
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| 12 | 389.833333 | |
1399471032 | 1399592618 | t3_24y99p | t5_2to41 | 25 | turtlesarerad14: TIFU by (trying) to cook a pizza
Today, (yesterday, actually) I was making my sister a pizza after she got home from school. It was a stouffer's one, and I chose to do the option where you put it in the microwave for 1 1/2 minutes then in the oven at 475ºF for five minutes.
The microwave part went okay. Then, I tried to transfer the hot pizza from the paper towel I microwaved it on into the tin foil in the oven. That part did not go okay. The pizza was fucking hot, the oven wouldn't open all the way, and the pizza kept sticking to the paper towel.
I dropped the fucking pizza, along with the paper towel, into the oven. The towel hit the bottom coils and caught on fire. Reflectively, I picked up the towel and blew out the fire. The fire at the bottom of the oven went out when the rest of the towel turned to ash.
I turned the oven off and just gave her the half-cooked pizza, and apologized for the burn mark on the bottom.
I never was going to tell anyone besides my boyfriend what happened, but I left the burned, ash paper towel in clear view by accident and my mom found it and figured out what happened. She is a lot smarter than me.
This isn't the first time I caught something on fire, but it will hopefully be the last. I was banned from using the stove because of an incident last year also. I'm so happy my ferocious blowing kept my beloved house from catching on fire :(
**tl;dr: I am a dumbass and caught a paper towel on fire. I am now no longer allowed to use the stove (again).**
ZealotZoidberg: Yeah, you probably shouldn't cook things anymore.
turtlesarerad14: You're definitely not the first person to say that :\
ZealotZoidberg: At least have someone teach you how to cook in a skillet, it's not actually too difficult.
turtlesarerad14: My friend has been teaching me a variety of cooking stuff... I'll ask her to teach me that next :)
ZealotZoidberg: Yay
| 6 | 4.166667 | |
1399474811 | 1399511532 | t3_24yf13 | t5_2to41 | 19 | Purple_death: TIFU by petting an overly excited dog
The dog decided to be a sprinkler, now my clothes smell like piss.
tetrahydrocanada: Yeah I did that once, and it bit me in the face.
HOWDYPARTNERBOT: Howdy, Partner!
That_Deaf_Guy: [...](http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/what-the-f-tom-delonge.gif)
gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/SpryClosedAmericanrobin](http://gfycat.com/SpryClosedAmericanrobin)
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| 5 | 3.8 | |
1399483617 | 1399487805 | t3_24ytkl | t5_2to41 | 45 | djeinstine: TIFU by sending my bank card ahead of time to the place I'm supposed to rent.
Happened last week. I thought I was being so smart and proactive. I signed up for my bank account with the place was supposed to move in that week.
For some context I rent through a letting agency which liaisons with the land lord. The day comes that we agreed I could move in. Instead, I get a call saying the landlord has to perform maintenance - great. So I wait a few days. I hear nothing. Money is getting low. Pay day comes and goes but its credited straight to my account. Awesome, I get paid but I have no money.
I called the letting agency multiple times and all I hear is "we've left voice messages", "we've emailed him", " we're working on it". Christ! How hard is it to get in contact with one guy? He's either reconstructing the entire apartment from scratch or he's sipping sangrias and smoking cubans in Spain with my debit card laughing as he lobs his phone in the Atlantic.
Its been a week and the landlord remains silent. Meanwhile i am penniless. Correction I have 20 of them. I heard you can live maybe two weeks or more on water alone - assuming the landlord in my current place doesn't kick me out, then I'd be living on water and dirt.
[deleted]: ... Go to your bank instead of being an idiot? Tell them what happened. They will give you a new card. Its not rocket science.
RobinHoodRat: Op is an idiot. Obviously he has never heard of checks and instead sends his card. Like I cannot even think of a scenario that needs me to send my Bankcard....
resinfingers: OP was probably trying to update residence info to get a new card (banks want your current address attached to your card.) cancel the card and dispute all fresh charges. also, OP, you dumb.
| 4 | 11.25 | |
1399485472 | 1399487642 | t3_24ywu0 | t5_2to41 | 213 | zasdcxzasdcx: [Meta] Congrats on becoming a default Subreddit, guys!
I've been a fan of this sub for a while, so hopefully becoming a default sub will help the TIFUbase to grow!
Might_Be_The_NSA: Yay! Now Reddit will be known for dog memes, fedoras and guys shitting themselves on a daily basis!
zasdcxzasdcx: >dog memes
Advice animals was actually removed as a default
>guys shitting themselves on a daily basis
Yes!
My only concern is that the amount of dubious/fake stories will probably increase
Might_Be_The_NSA: Yeah, I know advice animals was removed as a default sub (thankfully), just generalizing a bit.
But yeah, definitely more fake stories will pop up.
| 4 | 53.25 | |
1399484924 | 1399639463 | t3_24yvu4 | t5_2to41 | 92 | resinfingers: TIFU by shitting in my hand
Lets start this off by saying I have been sick lately. I went to a music festival just over a week ago and returned with a bad respiratory bug. Persistent, productive cough and jammed up sinuses for the past ten days or so has had me dealing with an unseemly amount of phlegm and sputum. A lot of this has been coughed into trash cans and sink drains. A lot has been consumed.
On top of this, I have been pretty broke recently (almost entirely due to the price of tickets as well as booze and food inside the gates.) So, I have been eating a lot of wild animal meats procured by my father and grandfather who like to hunt.
Cut to monday night. I'm feeling the best I've been since before I left for the festival (still not completely well) when I decide to have a beer. One turns into four and now, I hunger. I find a thawed out link of wild hog sausage and throw it into a pan with some butter and onions. Even stone sober, this meal would require the forethought of antacids and sleeping on my side, but, in my drunk and slightly fever addled mind, this is the perfect snack to throw down before bed. I slap it all on a bun and dive in, only noticing halfway that the center of this sausage seems more pink than usual. "Screw it," I think to myself "it's future Greg's problem now."
Now, tuesday morning, I'm up at 2am to go to work to make doughnuts. I'm sleep deprived from tossing and turning all night with heartburn and I'm still a little drunk from the previous night. "This is no state of mind to deal with heavy machinery and open vat fryers," I say to myself while downing my second cup of coffee. "I should have another."
My insides are on fire. The pressure is building. I am sure my co-workers can hear the plaintive moaning of my troubled gut. I finally get a free minute. I wash my hands of cake batter and rush to the restroom while shedding clothing as I run through the dining room. Crashing to the seat, the flood gates open. In my 25 years, I have never experienced a deuce like this. It was loud. It was odorous. It was obscene. I wanted to simultaneously cry and cheer. And, just as soon as it began, it was over and I was left clutching the handicapped rail like a lost child gripping the hand of an authority figure.
I thought I was done. I thought the trauma was over. I reached back with a handful of paper to wipe myself clean of the evil that had just escaped from my body. Suddenly, I felt a huge bubble of gas shooting through my intestine. Worrying about the damage it would do to hold it back, I simply braced for what was to come.
That's when I shat in my hand. Like a hot, soggy bullet it shot out of my ass with enough force to push the back of my hand into the cistern and left a foamy puddle in my palm. It took a second to realize what had happened. Fortunately, as disgusted as my mind was, my gut was not as horrified and I did not throw up in my own lap. I did require an extra fifteen minutes to clean the shit out of my hand and the splash back from my buttocks.
I ended up calling another baker from the toilet and he finished the rest of my shift. I went home, took two showers and slept off the rest of the day.
Tl;Dr: caught a bug, shit on my hand while trying to wipe, had to leave work early
edit for details
MyCatLikesMe: I'm still not sure if you make donuts, or that was a euphemism.
resinfingers: i do make doughnuts. although, "making doughnuts" might become my new pooping descriptor.
atomsk404: Note to self, avoid donuts from anywhere the next few weeks.
[deleted]: mmmm dem chocolate glazed donuts.
atomsk404: not because of the euphemism, more because i don't know where OP works, and if its a local dunkin i'm probably safe. but what if he makes those little debbies that have a shelf life of like, a few weeks? then i eat them? then i get this? then i shit in my hand?
no thanks, no donuts.
| 6 | 15.333333 | |
1399486505 | 1399553303 | t3_24yyni | t5_2to41 | 434 | ZachMartin: TIFU - I graciously offered my seat on the NY subway to a cute pregnant woman on the way to work.
Not pregnant...Not pleasant...Just fat. "WHAT, YOU THINK I'M PREGNANT DON'T YOU!?!?" Me: "Huh?" Busted. Apparently it's happened to her before...
EDIT - Unfortunately as a follow up, something similar almost happened AGAIN when I went to lunch. One of our employees who I only see like once a month or two and I run into each other and she is CLEARLY pregnant, like 7-8 months. She lost a TON of weight earlier this year and looks great, but is so obviously pregnant. But I'm so traumatized from this morning that I say "Oh wow, I had no idea! Congratulations!" She had no context as it was the first and only thing to her so far I had said. Our receptionist overhears and laughs awkwardly knowing what is happening. To make matters worse the pregnant woman is like "THANKS." Not confirming or elaborating that she is ABSOLUTELY 100% pregnant. Man I'm terrible. Fool proof rule: NEVER acknowledge a woman is pregnant even if she's bursting at the seams until she does first!!
[deleted]: "WHAT, YOU THINK I'M PREGNANT DON'T YOU!?!?"
"No. Actually I thought you were a lady."
BOOM!
TheTigerMaster: Not a good idea. Giving up your seat to a woman just because she's a "lady" will piss many women off (and rightfully so). This is a tradition that comes from the days where women were seen to be lesser than their male counterparts.
Personally I treat women just like I treat anyone else. I advise everyone else to do the same.
[deleted]: > This is a tradition that comes from the days where women were seen to be lesser than their male counterparts.
That's just all sorts of stupid. Treating a woman with respect has nothing to do with them being lesser. It's called being fucking polite. If some woman gets pissed off because I'm treating her with respect then that's a level of stupid I can't hope to fix.
LWdkw: I'd say it's fucking inpolite and disrespectful to assume someone with a penis is more capable of standing than someone without a penis.
[deleted]: Then I would say you're a complete moron.
Whether or not you have a penis does not make one more or less capable of standing unless there is some odd scientific principle which grants those with penises greater ability to stand than those without.
All I'm saying is that, in general, women are not seen as equals in modern society. They get paid less for doing the same work as men. The percentage of women in leadership positions in corporate America is abyssmal.
So if a woman looks like she's having a hard time of it, whether by being pregnant, fat or just plumb fucking tired, how is it impolite or disrespectful to offer a seat?
I mean, fuck. I know I'm jaded and cynical as shit but being polite and respectful is now seen as an offense.
Sweet Bearded Baby Jesus. We are officially fucked as a society.
LWdkw: > women are not seen as equals in modern society.
And you can help solve this problem by not treating them differently.
[deleted]: > And you can help solve this problem by not treating them differently.
Seriously, who pissed in your cornflakes that you would take a display of respect as a problem?
Respect - esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person.
Yeah, that a real horrid fucking thing.
I truly hope we never cross paths. I have to deal with enough bitter, hate-filled people in any given day. I don't need more of those in my life.
LWdkw: I have no problem with 'respect'. I have a problem with people basing the way they treat others on their gender. I'm sorry you don't understand the difference.
> I have to deal with enough bitter, hate-filled people in any given day.
You might want to reconsider the way you're talking to me if you don't like hanging out with bitter, hate-filled people, because you won't be able to escape your own company.
[deleted]: > I have no problem with 'respect'. I have a problem with people basing the way they treat others on their gender.
Nice circular logic. I know that women are not treated as equals but I respect them for the shit they put up with but according to you I can't respect them because that respect is based on their accomplishments despite the obstacles put in their way because of the gender and according to you that's wrong.
Try thinking past your own nose, for just a moment, and you'll see how stupid your argument is.
If you want to take umbrage at someone's act of courtesy then that's just how you were raised or your own fucked up attitude.
> You might want to reconsider the way you're talking to me if you don't like hanging out with bitter, hate-filled people, because you won't be able to escape your own company.
Really?
> I'd say it's fucking inpolite and disrespectful to assume someone...
> "Fuck you for thinking I'm incapable of standing just because I don't have a penis."
Would be my reaction, FYI.
I think it's really quite clear who the bitter, hate-filled one here is.
Have an awesome life.
I pity anyone who is courteous to you.
| 10 | 43.4 | |
1399253558 | 1399563093 | t3_24qmj6 | t5_2to41 | 6 | smartalec98: TIFU by washing winning Kentucky Derby tickets.
Not me but my brother did this today:
He bet $20 for California Chrome to win at the Derby yesterday, so of course he wins quite a bit of money. He also placed bets for his out of town friends and he ends up with a stack of winning bets that haven't been cashed yet, probably at least $100 in total. We peeled outta Churchill Downs as soon as the race ended, he planned on cashing the tickets in on a different day.
A few minutes ago I hear his girlfriend yell, "[brother's name], you're such a fucking idiot!" while holding back laughter. Then I see a stack of tickets that had gone through the washer/drier in his back pocket, and they were totally ruined. My brother just stares at the stack in disbelief. Then he says, "fuck...".
gtownbingo99: "He bet $20 for California Chrome to win at the Derby yesterday, so of course he wins quite a bit of money." The pay out was 2 to 1, so he would have won $40 for a total of $60. Quite a bit of money? What third world country do you live in?
smartalec98: Also: That's not how it works. He would have won $20 for a total of $40.
gtownbingo99: I cant believe how stupid you are, honestly, what's your secret?
smartalec98: Sorry to rustle your jimmies, Einstein. Can I get an autograph as well?
gtownbingo99: Eat a bag of shit.
smartalec98: We can share if you want. Actually, I'd rather you just have it. I
| 7 | 0.857143 | |
1399485776 | 1399576360 | t3_24yxdq | t5_2to41 | 9 | darkzero25: TIFU by watching an Alien Abduction documentary at 1:00 am in the morning.
So TIFU by watching an alien abduction documentary at 1:00 am in the morning. My mother said "i wouldn't do that if i were you". lol so me being the rebel, i said "Whatever, im watching this documentary. I'm not scared of anything." Lol Yeah, no i was scared shit less all night after watching that and i couldn't sleep because i was too busy looking out the window for "Aliens". :D At around 3:00 in the morning, i was still awake and my mom comes in to my room and she goes "oh my god look out the window a UFO!" So i'm freaking out at that point and look out the window and like an idiot i start to think things and she goes "i told you shouldn't have seen that documentary" Then she leaves me alone. So for the rest of the night i am hiding under my zebra sheets scared over aliens who are gonna harvest my brains. So please don't watch scary Things at night because if you do You fucked up. XD
darkzero25: Shitting stories? I knew this kid in football who got hit so hard he literally took a dump on the football field.
Sibire: Do tell.
Op plz.
darkzero25: lol i thought it was interesting and it was on the history channel.
Sibire: I mean the shitting story. This is /r/TIFU, it's what the subreddit lives for.
darkzero25: lol oh ok, So then while i was doing Line backer duties and practicing, they had just started QB practice, so QB throws the ball and some kid runs after it, and he catches it. then like a 290 pound black dude crashes into him and he falls down. :D he gets up and starts groaning, and waddles to the locker rooms and we didn't see him after that, when i asked the coach what happened he was like all normal like if it happened everyday, he said "oh that guy, yeah he shit his pants, there was shit everywhere". His mom had to bring a new pair of clothes, and we thought it was funny AF.
Sibire: Op delivers.
| 7 | 1.285714 | |
1399489145 | 1399551450 | t3_24z333 | t5_2to41 | 77 | ifuckedupbro: TIFU by forgetting to confirm my acceptance to my college of choice.
Yeaaaaaaaaaaah I'm a fuckup, now I have to go to a community college which honestly isn't that bad but kinda sucks because of how stupid I am to forget something like this.
ifuckedupbro: Ok, so this is what I've done so far. I called them, they said they couldn't do anything. So I drove to the admissions office spoke to them. They told me to send a long detailed email and they will review it, but at this moment they can't do anything. So I did that and am now waiting for a response by them. I really fucked up here by forgetting to do something so simple. Any advice on what to do if this email does not work out?
AllSpunOut: Just fucking show up for class. Take the courses, take the tests, do everything a student does.
Bitruder: And get not a single credit for any of it...
AllSpunOut: Stealing Harvard.
| 5 | 15.4 | |
1399492023 | 1399659512 | t3_24z810 | t5_2to41 | 24 | Sodic: TIFU by reaching out to my biological father
I sent my biological father a message on FB about a month ago. I asked for some basic background and medical information since he's never been in my life. I honestly didn't expect any response and had pushed the whole thing from my mind. When his message came through today it took me by surprise, and what baffled me even more is that he is desperately trying to establish some sort of relationship with me. This is a man who spent most of my life in prison and hates my entire family. My brother died last week, which I mentioned because they actually knew each other, but I very calmly let him know I wasn't interested in us reconnecting in that capacity. He mentioned my brother's passing and his wife's passing and did this whole "we're all each other has" thing...and I instantly regretted sending that original message. I figured at best I would get a little information and at worst nothing at all. This wasn't even something I considered.
I genuinely want to know something about my roots on that side, but actually having to reunite with this man is something I'm not willing to do. But now he has my basic contact info and I'm sure he'll continue trying. Before that message he didn't even know my last name. Ugh, sometimes I'm really fucking dumb.
Terragen: I'm no doctor but I'm pretty sure knowing your medical history can make the difference between life and death and so is important to know if at all possible. If this guy is the only person you can get that information from, what choice do you have?
Sure he might start stalking/harassing you but if you decide you want to cut contact and he doesn't leave you alone, that's harassment. Call the police. Since he sounds like he has a lengthy record the police/courts would probably look even less favourably on harassment by him.
Sodic: It's a really complicated situation. I'm genuinely afraid of him, and I have a 6 year old child. I'm not willing to risk it.
[deleted]: I don't want this to come across the wrong way, but I've read the entire thread and it sounds like this guy lead a life where he didn't think through the consequences of his actions. Just did things impulsively, some people are just like that. It's too bad his impulses were wrong.
You have a child, and you contacted a guy whom you fear via a medium where he's easily able to get more info on you then you're comfortable with... You didn't think this through very much did you? Just kinda "did it" impulsively.
Perhaps the Apple doesn't fall too far from the tree, eh? Obviously you wouldn't want to have a close personal relationship with the guy for the reasons you've made clear, but just maybe in learning a bit more about him you'd get answers to a few things about yourself. Something to consider.
Sodic: That's all a little presumptuous of you.
[deleted]: Just noticing the pattern. Sometimes it takes outside eyes to help us see ourselves better.
What you choose to do is up to you. Best of luck.
Sodic: You've noticed a pattern without knowing any details about the situation. There's nothing really impulsive about contacting someone via social networking for medical information and background with the assumption that they wouldn't want to take it further. I'm almost 30, I thought it was past time to get those answers if I could. My biological father went to prison for murder before I was born. I don't see any connective pattern between his actions and mine, so again, it was presumptuous of you to try and make some sort of psychological connection in our traits. Your statement that the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree quite frankly pissed me off. I appreciate that you're just trying to help but I disagree with what you've said.
[deleted]: 1. Contacting them via a medium that shares information you're not comfortable sharing, instead of contacting them via another means that would avoid said situation?
2. Impulsive actions taken without forethought to the consequences, then remorse after the fact.
3. Where there's defensiveness there tends to be a grain of truth. Obviously you're not him, but there could be behavioral traits you inherited that wouldn't show up in a dry medical history. Just something to think about.
Best of luck to you.
| 8 | 3 | |
1399492657 | 1399565791 | t3_24z94y | t5_2to41 | 72 | [deleted]: TIFU by missing a final exam...
I had my entire finals week planned out. Everything went perfect until my last final. I wrote everything down on a weekly planner and wrote that I was done with finals at 2:00. When I double checked that on my planner the week of finals I misread that as my last was at 2:00... I get to the class and it's empty, I check my phone and download the syllabus and read that it was from 12:00-2:00, not 2:00-4:00. I haul ass to my prof's office and explain what happened. She let me take it, but I couldn't do the listening portion(Japanese class) which was a HUGE part of it and I only had about a fifth of the time because she had to leave. So I rushed through and had to miss a major part of it. Best case scenario, I get a 50% on the final, but that is highly unlikely.
I'm going to my dorm and just going to sleep and pretend I am not fucked.
**TLDR** Misread exam time and now I'm fucked
Lereas: At least now, when you have this dream 15 years down the road, you can blame it on this experience.
I promse that for the rest of your life, even after you've been in a professional position for decades, you will have dreams where you get into an exam and realize you haven't been coming to the class, or you can't find the class that you know you have, or that you get to your class and find out it's at a different time or different place.
DjEmmit: Thanks for the positive spin.
tallestmanhere: It's actually kind of nice (I'm only a few years out of college tho). Sometimes I'll wake up in the middle of the night sweating and breathing heavy thinking that forgot to write paper due that day or something. Then I'll lay back and lean on my headboard for a second and have a satisfying breath as i realize that i am no longer in college. And that, that time has passed, i'm no longer in college. I usually fall asleep pretty easily after that. Unless i realize i have some deadline at work. Then i require a little beer to ease me back into sleep. But for some reason it has not been as bad as college. At least yet.
palmal: ALL THE DAMN TIME! It finally stopped a few months ago (though I'm sure I'll have one now). It has been replaced by reliving (or completely making up) stressful workplace moments. From past jobs.
brijjen: My dad's a professor; he said he still gets these dreams, but from the other side.
| 6 | 12 | |
1399491412 | 1399496832 | t3_24z70j | t5_2to41 | 5 | Catm4n: TIFU well not me reddit...
by making this sub a default sub, it is patently uninteresting.
Voyager5555: Yet somehow uninteresting enough to actually create a thread on...
Catm4n: Well trolling the sub seemed like more fun than reading another uninteresting post. FML was a much better attempt at this subject matter.
Voyager5555: Ahhh, the old "I don't like it so I'll make it a shitty experience for everyone else."
Well done, carry on.
Catm4n: Woot didn't expect my single post in this sub to ruin it for everybody. betterthanexpected.jpg
| 5 | 1 | |
1399485631 | 1399499618 | t3_24yx4q | t5_2to41 | 40 | magnus_max: TIFU by not paying attention at the gym
This happened almost 2 months ago, I was at the gym, and as per my routine I was going to work out my lower back using the hyperextension machine (this thing http://bretcontreras.com/wp-content/uploads/Back-Raises.jpg), I place a couple of kettlebells on the floor so I could pick them up while performing the exercise to add extra resistance, any way at this point I'm pretty much working in "automatic" lost in my own thoughts, I position myself in the machine and somehow I didn't realize that my feet were not properly placed on the things (I don't know how to call them), I reach for the kettlebells, but since I'm not secured to machine I fall forward with my feet up in the air, I somehow managed to get one hand on the floor and ended up doing a flip, next thing I know I'm sitting on the floor about to cry, the trainer drops what he is doing as I come crawling to him, I'm babbling "my back, my back" (I should mention that I have a few lumbar hernias, I was worried I had just made things worse), I lie down on the floor for a a couple of minutes while the trainer puts his fist on my back, at this point I started to check my functions, see If could move my legs and feet and arms, I could, also there was a dance class next door filed with 50+ y/o women that stared at me while I was on the floor. I finally stand up and continue to exercise, at this point I realize that my left hand hurts a lot, so I go back home, I took a shower and waited for my family to arrive, then I had to explain what just happened (my parents are both doctors) so they examined my hand, and determined that it was not broken, although it was really swollen. Now almost two months later I can feel a hard lump on my hand, and my wrist hurts while doing barbell squats, I'm going to a traumatologist today.
FattyMcPhatterson: TIL traumatologist is a thing. Sorry to hear about your hand.
keltor2243: Pretty much anyone with the sub-specialty still calls themselves orthopedic surgeons first and for most.
magnus_max: Sorry, used google translate.
keltor2243: No worries - I am not entirely surprised at any translation software errors.
| 5 | 8 | |
1399494800 | 1399501355 | t3_24zd0j | t5_2to41 | 84 | skinnyneck: TIFU by handing a classmate my phone...
Today in class my phone rang. The number wasn't saved so i automatically assumed it was one of those telemarketer callers. So, i said to my friend sitting next to me, "Here i don't know this number, pick it up." He picks up, and immediately says, "Harken County Sperm Bank. You spank it, we bank it!" Then swiftly hung up. Class ends and i look at the notification on my phone. They left a voicemail, the voicemail said, "Hello, you've previously submitted a job application here. We would like to know if you're available for an interview on Friday at 11." I listened in horror, realizing i might have to face this interview after that incident. Today i fucked ip Reddit...
TL;DR: Friend picks up phone claiming to be a Sperm Bank. I realized it was a potential job offer.
esearcher: If they left a message offering an interview, they probably weren't even paying attention to what your friend said. If they mention something in the interview, just say your friend had your phone and was just being a joker. No big deal.
skinnyneck: Yeah, that's exactly what i thought too. I just hope they have some sense of humor.
Troven: If it does come up and they think it's funny, then your time there is gonna be dope.
| 4 | 21 | |
1399493713 | 1399679618 | t3_24zb2b | t5_2to41 | 273 | Nuke-The-Whales: TIFU by forgetting dirty underwear in my purse.
So this just happened 40 minutes ago, and I'm pretty sure you guys can see the red shame on my face through your computers.
Before I begin, let me explain why I had underwear in my purse . . .
I stayed at my boyfriend's the other night, and after a few sex sessions, I decided it would be best to fall asleep with no underwear on, wake up early (I had to be home early), put on the spare-pair of underwear I keep at his place, and attempt to come home not smelling like day old sex.
SUCCESS! I woke up, put my old underwear in my purse, put on the new pair and made it home. (Don't worry, I showered ASAP)
Fast Forward to Today . . .
I'm returning the shoes, and as I pull out my wallet, before I even realize what it is, my pink, lacy, cum-crusted underwear go flying out of my purse and onto the check-out counter.
Horrified, I apologize profusely, grab my underwear and ram it back into my purse. The refund happened in silence as my face burned a brilliant vermilion hue. I manage to mumble "t-thanks, and, uh, sorry about that" as I walk out of the store in shame.
TL;DR: Returning shoes, pull out wallet which causes dirty underwear to fly onto the counter, become horrified.
M-arijn: This part "my pink, lacy, cum-crusted underwear " (how the fuck can I reply on that specific part on Alien Blue?) made me laugh.
shlack: >if you mean like this, then just include a "\>" before your quoted text, and a double line when you want to
leave the quote, like this
Mikhul: \> if you mean like this, then just include a "\>" before your quoted text
IM LEARNING SOMETHING NEW EVERYDAY. TYBG
Edit: IT DIDNT WORK K.
bobstay: Backslash right-pointy. \\>
the_dinks: i call it "greater than"
shlack: i call it "le meme arrow"
| 7 | 39 | |
1399563712 | 1399566602 | t3_24zl1e | t5_2to41 | 21 | ripcitybitch: Shit happens.
[deleted]: yeah shit happens when you work at a walmart and someone asks if you have a tv in stock and you make a mistake and say you dont when you really do. shit happens. but when you literlly are so fucking stupid you fucking kill another human being because you cant type FOUR FUCKING NUM BERS thats not just shit. that is fucking neglgnc. and i hope a lawyer helps out the family of the murdered. there hsould be a lawyer who will help them bro bonered because its fucked that op might keep his job and kill someone else.
ripcitybitch: Lol you're so fucking incoherent, this seriously hurts to read.
[deleted]: im sorry your a fucking illiterate shit i bet your an american arent you?
typical obese idiots cant read for shit fuck you
ripcitybitch: Yeah it's pretty clear I'm not the illiterate one...
[deleted]: its pretty clear htat you just got reported bitch
fuck off yuour probably one of ops shit obese friends and i bet the two of you go around doing shit like this on purpose to get people killed. well fuck yuou asshole. go eat some american hamburgers and have a heart attack already
ripcitybitch: Lol. You're such a shitty troll.
[deleted]: your such a shitty excuse for a human being.
ripcitybitch: Nuh uh.
[deleted]: fuck off you obese americn
edit i just realized obese and american is redundant to say
ripcitybitch: It's also redundant when you've already tried that insult like 3 times previously.
Gotta mix it up yo.
[deleted]: Its true tho. What are you like 5 2 and 300 pound. I bet you don't even know the metric system you american
ripcitybitch: No man wtf? I'm a 6'4, 250 beast from Angola.
It's a shit country, but at least I appear to be more educated than you.
[deleted]: Fuck anola
ripcitybitch: Yeah jk I'm from Pennsylvania...
Looks like you are too!?! Let's hang out, motel room?
[deleted]: Tell me where you at. I can be there in like a hour
ripcitybitch: Actually, I'm not really a horse. I'm a broom.
| 17 | 1.235294 | |
1399502776 | 1399506358 | t3_24zqs7 | t5_2to41 | 11 | 1leggeddog: TIFU by eating an entire bag of carrots
Way too many carrots. You know the little bite size ones?
Ain't got any other snacks in my place so i munched on these while i was gaming.
Now my stomach feels like its going to burst.
Sibire: The fuck-up here is that you *willingly* ate *carrots*.
That_Deaf_Guy: Carrots are fucking delicious and healthy and awesome.
Sibire: Get off if Reddit, *mom*.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1399510520 | 1399519215 | t3_2502nw | t5_2to41 | 36 | [deleted]: TIFU - I got my finger stuck in Chuck E's Rubble Bubble
This wasn't today, it was last July.
I used to be employed at Chuck E Cheese. My job was to tend to the game room by cleaning off booths and fixing broken games. During the summer, Chuck E Cheese is absolutely packed. It's a complete nightmare, and you do not want to catch yourself in there. We had to wear name tags and headsets so it was obvious that we were employees.
People would constantly complain about games not working correctly, most of the time the game is working fine and people just want to get free tickets or coins out of you, especially the gypsies. I'm not kidding when I say gypsy, they would literally come in to the store and break games on purpose, or claim that they hit the jackpot. I'm not just assuming that they are gypsies, the store would constantly refer to them as gypsies. But this is besides the point.
One of the popular games in Chuck E Cheese is 'Chuck E's Rubble Bubble'. For those who don't know what it looks like, here is a picture: http://imgur.com/9Ja0tsj
Rubble Bubble is one of those coin pusher games, and if you play it for long enough, one can win tons of tickets. A large african-american woman approaches me and starts complaining about Rubble Bubble not functioning right. I immediately drop what I'm doing to help her. I figured that it just wasn't dispensing tickets or something else simple.
I put a token in the game and nothing happened. I opened the front of the game exposing the coin-mechanism. They're really simple devices, a coin goes in and hits a trigger letting the game know that somebody has paid.
There was an obvious coin jam, and I tried my best to free them. As I was poking out the remainder of the coins, I slipped my finger into a metal piece that immediately trapped my finger. I tried to free my finger but it was completely stuck and really started to hurt.
I didn't let the people I was helping know what exactly was going on at first. I called over the radio to call my friend for help, but I received no response. At this point in time I turn to the lady and tell her that I am stuck and that she needs to get a manager to help me.
Embarrassing.
No manager shows up, my friend shows up and is working on trying to free my jammed finger. I really thought they were going to have to call the fire department to come and destroy the expensive machine just to free my finger. It took over thirty minutes, but thankfully he was able to get my finger unjammed.
I never stuck my fingers into another dangerous place again.
Oh yeah, and throughout the entire experience, a manager never showed up.
tl;dr - I got my finger stuck in a coin-pusher game and thought they would have to destroy the machine in their attempt to free me.
Carmeister: I was really expecting Rubble Bubble to be a euphemism here.
strong9510: "Coin pusher"
| 3 | 12 | |
1399512371 | 1399539461 | t3_2505j7 | t5_2to41 | 29 | jakichan77: TIFU by Making a Heart Attack Joke
After one of my classes, me and a few friends met up on campus & one friend said that her father had had a heart attack, and that it broke her heart.
My almost instinctive response was, "It broke his too."
After this, her and a few other female friends told me I was being insensitive while my guy friends chuckled. I just kind of had an "fuck" expression on my face, if you get what I mean.
There's not much else to tell about it, so there's my fuck up, ladies and gents.
Cheerful_Toe: So this is what happens when a good sub goes default
jakichan77: There's just not a whole load I can write about it, as its a short one time occurrence. Sorry for the short post.
Sypher0110: i think the point is you should have never posted it to begin with; with which i wholeheartedly agree..
| 4 | 7.25 | |
1399511740 | 1399526712 | t3_2504k0 | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by making fun of my friends retarded sister
So, I was just chillin in Genereal Science, my 2nd period class (I'm a Sophomore), when I hear a group of girls in the corner talking about how much they love the movie "Frozen". So I say,"I liked the movie, but I think there was just a tad bit too much singing in it, otherwise it is great". Then my buddy, who has 3 sisters, one of which is mentally retarded, says to me,"Dude, I can't stand that movie. My 3 sisters watch it nonstop and its annoying". Now when he said this, he was speaking to me, but the whole class was listening to him speak. So, me being the absolute dipshit that I am, respond to him by saying,"Ummm.... dude? Didn't you mean to say that 2.5 of your watch it nonstop". So at this point I was laughing my ass off, thinking that making fun of my buddies mentally disabled sister is funny, and all of the girls just stare at me and my buddy turns away from me and stops talking to me. So, to attempt to make amends with everyone in the class, I let each and every student(11 or 12) come up and bitchslap me in the face, except my buddy, who was allotted 3 slaps.
TL;DR I made made fun of a retard, and got slapped by 16 year old teenagers
maycure: You're still saying retard like you haven't learned anything.
And you of all people called someone else half a person?
That person you made fun of for being born the way they were, probably wouldn't go around putting people down for being born the way they were.
No matter how you spin it, that makes you less human than the one you called half a person. Those stares mean they would probably agree with my sentiments.
[deleted]: 1. Retarded is the correct word. I don't know what else to say exactly, why don't you help me out here?
2. It was a shitty joke, thanks for clarifying
3. I took 15 slaps for it, and 10 minutes of beration, I put this on TIFU to recognize that I fucked up
4. Fuck off, gently but thoroughly
[deleted]: "Retard" is rude. They're intellectually disabled.
maycure: Intellectually disabled is a term used in the UK;
IMHO that term still implies they can't rationalize between their feelings and another person's feelings. This isn't a good enough umbrella term.
They are developmentally challenged, because the one common challenge they all face is *developing* into a person this society will accept.
[deleted]: Yeah I've heard "developmentally challenged" as well, that's good too.
| 6 | 0.5 | |
1399512145 | 1399525986 | t3_25055z | t5_2to41 | 40 | scotty2naughty: TIFU by trying to unclog my shower drain
As I was showering off today after work I noticed that the water was not draining at all so I dried off and grabbed a metal coat hanger. After straightening it out I began to navigate my pipes until the hanger was almost half way down the drain. To my disgust I pulled out the biggest hairball I have ever seen. After dropping the dripping mess in the trash bin I reinserted the hanger pushing farther this time until it wouldn't go any farther. I started pulling, but with no avail. I tugged and tugged until it finally gave and came scraping out with an even bigger abomination. I dropped that one in the trash can as well, but the water was still not receding so I pushed back in until I couldn't push anymore. Again when I pulled it wouldn't come out. I grabbed a pair of pliers to get a better grip, but still no success. All of my strength could not get the hanger out. I have been pushing, pulling, twisting, shaking, and cursing for the better part of the last hour and cannot get this damn hanger out of my shower drain. So now about a foot and a half of coat hanger is sticking out of my shower drain and I have no idea what to do about it. Dammit.
Questionable_Comment: Try a vice grip
scotty2naughty: I do need to get one, but I think the problem is my own strength, not the grip on the wire.
goingunder: vice grip will prove you wrong
| 4 | 10 | |
1399518057 | 1399588153 | t3_250e7b | t5_2to41 | 482 | Thedrinkingdead88: TIFU and drank my pledge brother's, Dad's best friend.
This is a throwaway and this is a true story. My pledge brother and I are back in his hometown and I'm visiting him. We were getting ready earlier to hit up a local bar and being the genius college students we are, we like to fill a flask of whiskey and mix drinks in the bathroom to start the night off and save some cash. Only problem is I left my flask back in our college town. So we hit up his Dad's in home office and find a flask on the shelf next to a bunch of his fraternity memorabilia. Thinking reasonably, we throw some whiskey in and jump in the car. Half way there I decided to take a swig and a little rocky, bitter stuff came out.
The flask was filled with his father's late best friend's ashes.
I drank the ashes of another human being mixed with Evan Williams $15 whiskey.
TIFU
Thatguyjumpertik: So were all wondering, what did he do?
Thedrinkingdead88: Are you shitting me? We didn't tell him of course.
"Oh hey Mr. ----, thanks for inviting me into your home. Dinner was lovely. I drank your best friend."
[deleted]: Couldn't you pour it out and let it evaporate and then put the ashes back in?
JerkoffJack: i dunno how well that would evaporate. you could set it on fire i guess. they are, after all, ashes.
[deleted]: > i dunno how well that would evaporate.
What do you mean? The physics behind evaporation don't change just because it's human ashes, do they?
JerkoffJack: It's alcohol, not water.
[deleted]: Alcohol evaporates. In fact, it evaporates quicker than water.
ExplodingUnicorns: True... but it's not pure alcohol. There's usually sugar and other things in there too.
Cougs67: Still evaporates faster than water
| 10 | 48.2 | |
1399519361 | 1399605888 | t3_250g39 | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU- Speeding ticket
So today I was driving to get some ice cream. On the way there, I have to drive through a bunch of s turns. On the last, long, sweeping turn, there is a 3 way intersection. The car in front of me turned down that road. I continued on the same road I was on and after the last turn, there is a long, steep hill. I am in 4th gear, and I press down on the gas pedal because I was doing about 8 under. Before I know it, the turbo hits boost and I am doing 68 mph, in a 45 mph zone. I never do this. The hill made my acceleration much faster so I didn't catch myself. The cop was way down the road and he zapped me. I didn't see him however, and realizing how fast I was going, I applied my brakes. Then i saw him. He didn't believe me when I said I never saw him until I was braking. I live in Michigan and I am 16 years old. How the fuck do I get out of this.
MechaFlamingoCandy: If he wrote you a ticket for it, then gg, OP lost his fresh license till he's 18. I too live in michigan. Although one time I was on a long straight away and got pulled over for doing 90 in a 50. The cop just got pissed at me and told me to leave.
Johnnie-Walker-Black: What do you mean he loses his license? I got a speeding ticket in Michigan while a minor, and kept my license. If he got a ticket for reckless driving that's another story.
MechaFlamingoCandy: They changed the law within the past 3 years that if you get a ticket while you're under 18, you're done driving UNTIL you're 18. Unless they changed it again, that's where it is now.
Johnnie-Walker-Black: Holy crap. That blows. I got my ticket as a minor way longer than 3 years ago.
So I'm guessing the cops bargaining chip instead of the old "remove the points, increase the fines" is now "make it not a speeding ticket, thus removing points, and increasing the fine".
It was a long time ago, but I'm fairly certain by taking his deal he changed what the ticket was so it wasn't really a speeding ticket any longer, or something like that.
MechaFlamingoCandy: Yeah. I think they'll just make it a citation that doesn't really do anything other than provide some dough to sink into the money pit that is this state.
| 6 | 0.666667 | |
1399518458 | 1403762049 | t3_250eud | t5_2to41 | 33 | Sylaras43: TIFU by getting jalapenos on my balls
So this occurred about 30 minutes ago and what happened is I decided to make some scrambled eggs for dinner which is a usual thing for me. Tonight I decided to throw in some new jalapenos I had just bought and so I proceed to cut them up and prepare to throw them in the pan. So right after I threw them in the pan I realized my balls began to itch, without thinking about it I reached down and scratched to my delight not giving it a second thought. Fast forward about a minute and I notice my balls are starting to get a faint burning sensation and I am very confused. Then my mistake dawns upon me as for the next 20 minutes my balls slowly increase in this fiery hell. I finally couldn't take it and threw a handful of ice into my boxers to try and sooth the pain, it worked for a second but not long. So after these 30 long minutes my balls are slowly cooling off and I dont think I ever want to eat jalapenos again. On a plus side the eggs were still good.
cgludko: Capsaicin is fat and alcohol soluble. Take a degreasing dish soap and add a splash of vodka, rub into hands and apply to affected areas (not eyes).
nonameowns: will dunking your balls in milk help too? Since i normally drink milk when i eat poppers to help reduce the heat
cgludko: Depends on the milk, skim won't work, 1% ehh..., 2% better, whole or "vitamin d" works well (this is spicy food knowledge, not flaming balls).
The best bet is to not touch your dick or any sensitive parts. Plastic gloves are cheap and so is degreasing dish soap.
[deleted]: Casein protein in milk binds capsaicin though, so skim milk should work.
| 5 | 6.6 | |
1399520602 | 1399522433 | t3_250htz | t5_2to41 | 19 | Padawanbater: TIFU by trying to hold my pee while sneezing
So I was midstream and felt a sneeze coming, I didn't want to get pee everywhere by sneezing so I pinched the shaft and sneezed, and OUCH! It was a fraction of a second but that was enough pressure to rupture the inside of my urethra. I had about 5 seconds left of pee in me too, which sucked! I was stinging for about a minute after, then went to work knowing at about midday I'd have to pee again, and that should be fun.. Got off, yep, had to pee. I noticed dried blood on the outside tip. Surprisingly it didn't hurt as bad as I thought, but it still hurt..
So now I'm just sitting here wondering what the best course of action I should take is.. Is it reopening every time I pee? How long is the stinging going to last? Should I try not to pee for as long as possible to let it heal as much as it can or pee in short bursts? I've noticed it doesn't really start hurting until right near the end.
SwaggerMcSwag: Consult a doctor, blood on your piss is always a tad unsettling.
Padawanbater: Luckily it wasn't in my piss, just the tip of my penis that first trip to the bathroom after it happened this morning. I've went since then and everything looked normal, just that stinging sensation at the end.
Has me kind of worried about the next one to be honest.. it's not very pleasant.. Hopefully I'll be good and drunk by then and it'll go quick (yep, drinking is a terrible idea, I know)
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1399522018 | 1399524169 | t3_250jpm | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to throw away a paint can
I was moving out of my apartment, and had a nearly full can of paint that I needed to get rid of. I tried to be sneaky by putting it in a heavy duty trash bag and throwing it down the chute.
Problem was that along the way, I bumped the bag into the wall, and it happened to hit just right, that the bag ripped and the can of paint opened. I created a trail of paint, and when I realized it, I tried to pick up both ends of the bag with the hole facing up to keep it from dripping any more. The damage was done though, a fair amount of paint had spilled. Problem was that there was a camera watching the hallway where I made the paint trail, and I decided to take my chances and say nothing about it anyways. I proceeded to go to the chute, and threw the bag in.
I got a call today (a few days later) asking if I was the one who spilled paint on the carpet. I decided to fess up, because I figured that they called me because they had enough evidence on me. I was told that it was going to cost me in the hundreds to get a contractor out to fix the mess. Shit.
donaldtrumpwinning: What happened when a ship carrying red paint collided with a shipcarrying blue paint? Both crews were marooned!
glooozo: Shame on you. Thats terrible.
| 3 | 6 | |
1399527964 | 1399608707 | t3_250qo3 | t5_2to41 | 34 | giantchar20: TIFU I officially failed college
Every class. failed. 14 grand. gone. I feel so shitty right now. My family has been supportive but i just got so depressed i could barely get out of bed, my once fit body has now gained 40 pounds and i have never felt worse about myself. I didn't even have fun at college i was just there. I fucked up.
mfsg7kxx: Yet you somehow manage to find this subreddit and post... Amazing how even in some people's darkest hour they find time to do social media. Troll most likely
[deleted]: You have no idea how depression works, do you?
Edit: don't upvote this, I was being a dick.
mfsg7kxx: That's somewhat of a subjective question isn't it? Considering that I suffer from both extreme physical pain as well as PTSD I'd say I have a clue but then you may not.
[deleted]: And I'm sure you appreciate when people make an effort to understand what living with those is like.
mfsg7kxx: Certainly. What I don't understand is when someone is soooo depressed how they can expend the effort to even get online and type something like this. Post-active-duty, it took me probably 18 months to even WANT to get online, much less even see people. I know other dudes who were way worse than I was. I guess I question not the sincerity of the OP it rather their degree to which they claim they were depressed.
[deleted]: Ok. I apologise for the tone of my previous comment.
I guess experiences vary, but mine is that going on Reddit is something I can do even when I can't do anything else. I can be too dysfunctional to talk to anyone or leave the house or generally take care of myself at all and still be functional enough to go on Reddit. I don't dispute that it's possible to be so severely depressed that even going online doesn't feel worthwhile, but there's a *huge* gap between that and being too depressed to pass college courses.
mfsg7kxx: While I appreciate your apology, it's completely unnecessary :) we're all (hopefully) adults here.
Yes it's all unique and relative to the individual experiencing it. I will say this with all due respect to you: I see a growing trend in young folks that have increasingly developed a phobia of sorts for getting out of the rut they're in. They then supplement social behavior with virtual socialization as in your example using reddit when you are too down in the dumps to get out. I guess what bothers me is that it's like a drug in that it may serve to worsen your ability to face the world. I've seen this more in gamers than in social media outlets. Those other guys I mentioned, a few of them were in this category.
Life is so complex and scary now. Sometimes a breath of fresh air and vitamin d are in order.
That being said, I hope you and the OP find relief in your depression.
[deleted]: > I see a growing trend in young folks that have increasingly developed a phobia of sorts for getting out of the rut they're in. They then supplement social behavior with virtual socialization as in your example using reddit when you are too down in the dumps to get out. I guess what bothers me is that it's like a drug in that it may serve to worsen your ability to face the world.
This is totally a fair comment. I agree, computers give people yet another unhelpful way to self-medicate, which can perhaps draw out mental illness problems longer than otherwise might have been the case. Not to the extent that you would see with drugs and alcohol, but anything that allows you to escape from your everyday thoughts will be used as a means of avoiding real life for people who are so inclined.
| 9 | 3.777778 | |
1399531098 | 1399577269 | t3_250tri | t5_2to41 | 4 | drphibes1482: TI (possibly) FU by destroying my Internet and possibly cable help.
Hey so getting quick and to the point. I just got through my first year of college. Throughout this year I grew a fondness for tabletop rpgs like dnd. In an attempt to get my friends into the game, I downloaded Big Eyes Little Mouth. While downloading one of the expansions I noticed the file was an .exe as opposed to a .pdf. it was to late for me to cancel it when I realized. Immediately afterwards my computer told me it stopped a malicious program from running. I tried to uninstall it and as soon as I did all of my Internet and cable went out in my house. My laptop is telling me I can still connect but everything else is telling me that it isn't connecting. I'm not super tech savvy. I thought I was smart enough to avoid a virus but I guess not. Somebody please help and hopefully tell me that this is just a coincidence. Thank you.
Edit: thanks everyone. Luckily it was just a coincidence everything came back on a few hours ago. I ran malwarebytes to check if it was okay and everything is fine.
Silverlight42: If your computer told you it stopped a malicious program from running, that means it didn't install. Not sure what you were trying to uninstall.
No harm was done and likely your internet outage was purely coincidental.
Timmeh7: Agreed. It'd be a mighty odd virus which'd do any harm to an internet connection. Also, ignore whoever told you to format; as /u/Silverlight42 suggests, most likely no actual harm was done.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1399530912 | 1399632866 | t3_250tkv | t5_2to41 | 29 | Lyeing_vagina: TIFU by impatiently masturbating
I have been going through a tough time in my life (boyfriend stuff, work is stressful) so to cope I've been working on my newest hobby soapmaking. What could go wrong?
I finished a batch as couple of days ago and it was ready to cut and cure. If I was a smart woman I would've worn gloves to cut the soap as the lye is still very caustic. But I was impatient so I cut the soap and burned my fingers and forearms. That's not such a big deal, it was an acceptable penance for my impatience. The burns cooled and I forgot about them.
Like I said I've been having problems with my boyfriend and am working on getting excited to see him this weekend after text fighting for a week. I was having a hard time getting to sleep so I figured why not masturbate? I'll stoke my libido for this weekend, work off some tension and fall asleep. What a perfect plan! I really went to town on myself. It was amazing... Until the burning started. Now my crotch is on fire and any hope I had of falling asleep or getting laid is gone.
[deleted]: Vinegar.
CherylChoker: You and your basic bitch solutions...
Bonkeryonker: I think you'll find vinegar is not basic at all, it's rather acidic actually
CherylChoker: Right... she has lye (a base) on her... it's causing the problem... vinegar (acetic acid) might soothe it by neutralizing any remaining lye...
It is the basic bitch solution.
| 5 | 5.8 | |
1399539375 | 1399602183 | t3_250xk4 | t5_2to41 | 1 | mfsg7kxx: Yeah I'd be more concerned with the beating I would have received for being in an Anime club. That's just.... yeah man... You kinda lucked out there
Ghostofazombie: It's too bad that you grew up around the kind of awful dumpster people who would be violent towards someone based on their harmless hobbies.
mfsg7kxx: Wow... That's actually pretty funny. Dumpster people.
Regarding your comment I was sorta saying that tongue n' cheek. I certainly wouldn't harm anyone for being into anime... I did go to a rough school and was a geeky kid. Then again I was bigger than most kids so I was left alone. But kids will be kids and I could see jocks picking on this person for their hobbies. Sad but true
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1399538446 | 1399767209 | t3_250zt6 | t5_2to41 | 115 | forgetful_storytellr: TIFU by making an ill timed joke at a meeting.
Every week our football team meets at our coaches house for pizza. Occasionally, we will have football-related meetings discussing the playbook, off-season workout schedules, etc.
So we all (roughly 60 of us) are gathered around the coach, while brainstorming some new workouts for the upcoming summer session. Suddenly someone's phone rings.
Everyone stares as the phone clearly interrupted the silence. My teammate, realizing its his phone, picks it up and starts talking quietly as to hurry the conversation along, and get back tot he meeting.
At this point, we are all more or less waiting on him to continue, so in my infinite wisdom, I yell out "Hi, Mom!" Kind of making fun of the kid for being a mamas boy.
As soon as I said it, I remembered that his mother had just died after a six-year battle to some sort of degenerative cancer. This was not new information, since a lot of our recent meetings were dedicated to supporting him through the difficult loss he experienced.
The kid I directed to comment to was visibly shaken. He just sadly put his head down and remained quiet for the rest of the evening, while the rest of the team made remarks like "way to go, idiot". TIFU guys.
couldbeglorious: Something which helps in these situations is to immediately and loudly admit you've said something retarded.
"Hi, mom!"
then
"Oh fuck, I'm sorry, I'm such a retard, I wasn't thinking."
it's not smooth but it kills the issue
and then apologize again privately
Matttized: This. I'm in high school and my mom died about a year ago. I don't really mind the "yo mama" jokes at all, but if someone actually apologizes right after it releases all of the awkwardness. The worst ones is when someone I don't know that well says something about my mom and then another friend has to say "dude not cool, his mom died" or something, then that's some cringey stuff.
IntPrim: My roommate/best friend lost his mom during High School.
We used to play cards together sometimes, and shit talk a bit for fun.
I'd occasionally make a "your mom" joke on instinct, and then remember and apologize awkwardly. This would have been fine...if it didn't happen literally 5-6 times. It took me awhile to adjust and stop doing it, but he never really got mad about it, after the first time or two he started laughing at how dumb I was.
He recently lost his dad, who had a heart attack in the shower and passed. Like a week later he, myself and some mutual friends are playing a game together and on Skype. One of them starts going on about how awkward it would be to die in the shower, and my other friend was agreeing. The one who brought it up had no idea the details of the recent loss of my friend's dad, so I messaged him and the other friend on Skype telling him "you realize *****'s dad died in the shower right? He had not known, and he was sitting across from me at the time. I looked up and he was the most pale I've ever seen him. My other friend who knew the details, and realized halfway through the convo what was going on, plowed through by cracking another joke and changing topics. He responded to my message on Skype with "Insanity wolf".
It was one of the most awkward and hilarious things I've ever experienced in my life. I exploded with laughter when I read his response. I ended up telling my roommate the details a few days later and he laughed as well. He's a good shit about that stuff.
Just remember to apologize, and everyone will just think you are an idiot for a bit. No real harm done usually.
Usually.
Jasondazombie: I wanna see.
| 5 | 23 | |
1399541223 | 1399550054 | t3_2511y2 | t5_2to41 | 6 | akanistha: TIFU by forgetting I left my cat in the bath.
[deleted]: You left a cat locked in a carrier in a bathtub while the water was running and you immediately thought that would be a good time to go masturbate?
Terragen: Perhaps that's the scenario he was masturbating to.
| 3 | 2 | |
1399548389 | 1399558560 | t3_2517ie | t5_2to41 | 30 | Rorious: TIFU - I broke a large glass panel over $600+ worth of food
Soooo today was my first shift as the night time supervisor alone with my twenty fellow employees. Busy night, lots going on, and I have ONE task of getting the salad employees to clean the top five foot long extremely nice glass panels that rest and protect the delicious food below. I decide that I should go ahead and work on it myself instead of delegating this out, and do what I can to make sure it is completed. Me and a young hard working gentleman pull off cleaning five out of six glass shields and are moving to put the second to last one back, when we tap the side of it to the very last one, and the last one on the end shatters. More or less explodes. This means that glass is all over the floor, all in the salad bar, and just everywhere in general. Food must be thrown out, everything has to be meticulously cleaned, and I have to have a meeting with the team afterwards to boot. Only extremely awkward, even with me joking about how to make sure and do things deliberately and patiently.
After typing this out I know no one was hurt or killed but TIFU, and it hurts the pride. My hope is that this makes me appear human to my employees, and my managers don't fire me!!
Terragen: It sounds like you were doing things by the book. Accidents happen. I wouldn't worry about getting fired for that - simple accident, could have happened to anyone and it's not like it was caused by slacking or goofing off.
Rorious: Yeah after reading about the policeman and surgeon on TIFU this is very small scale. Still, going forward I am not looking forward to the conversations and jokes that are coming after this. I just want to do a good job and be perfect in every way!! Seriously though when tray glass broke, I must have had thirty plus people staring at me for five minutes.
Terragen: Nobody got hurt, nothing bad/irreparable happened. Glass breaks. You'll probably look back later and laugh at this and wish someone had caught it on video.
| 4 | 7.5 | |
1399549850 | 1399634437 | t3_2518sp | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: TIFU by masturbating for the first time in two weeks
I've been on a field exercise for the last two weeks and have not really had enough privacy to wank one out since the exercise started.
Since we don't have too much work going on today and my guys have been doing a great job lately, I told them to come in an hour and a half later today so that I could wank it in the privacy of the supply room.
I haven't gone so long without relieving myself in a long long time, so I was not prepared for the eruption that launched itself halfway across the desk and got into my laptop's keyboard.
I wiped it down, but I can't get in between the keys until I make it back home in half a week.
jobless69myfavTIME: this could not be more disgusting.. You Sir have a problem!
Bonkeryonker: Stick to /r/NoFap
jobless69myfavTIME: lolol, that one would be a punishment to read. uggh, i think i threw up in my mouth a little.
Bonkeryonker: So you berate someone for masturbation, but are a supporter of it? Please explain
jobless69myfavTIME: where did I say I support it? After expanding my Reddit knowledge, i see that the average Redditor is fat, has neck hair, glasses and has pimples. So it's just more of a understanding for you guys! Normal Men get their satisfaction from a woman, not hiding in a closet trying to pull one off with a bunch of dudes around!!!!
SexyRabbits: Sorry I wasn't clear, the supply room isn't a closet. It's a fairly large office with sensitive items stored in there as well as expendable supplies.
| 7 | 0.142857 | |
1399552416 | 1399553454 | t3_251bfy | t5_2to41 | 8 | Brain_fucker: TIFU Dogshit.
I'll be short because I'm an still at work.
Doing gardening in a small park.
Decide to have a smoke, and because there are no ashtrays I put cigarettes out and throw them in trash bins.
Just a moment ago I miraculously happened to fling the still burning end of the cigarette into the bin, melting through a bag of dog shit and now everything smells like said bag. Wonderful.
Rorious: Haha gross. Get out of there.
Brain_fucker: Can't, work to do here.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1399554443 | 1399603004 | t3_251dtz | t5_2to41 | 4,001 | Chesthairmakesmehot: TIFU by knocking on my parents door.
Like most posts, this didn't happen today but instead a couple years ago. Still a total fuck up.
My parents have always had the rule "knock before entering" like most other people and I have always abided. One day I went to knock on their door to ask for some help from my dad because I couldn't reach something in the garage. At the time I was home for Christmas break from college and I was working on a various project (hobby). My parents had a fairly large bedroom so I always had to put my ear close to the door to hear them tell me if I was allowed to enter the room or not. I put my ear up to the door to knock and the door all of a sudden broke free from it's hinge and there I was, on their floor. I look up to see my dad completely naked and sprawled out on their bed, my mother in full blow-job mode. The worse part was I couldn't just run away. I got kinda hurt from falling so hard so it took me a second to get up, pick my jaw up off the ground, and get the hell outta there.
I was 21 at the time and I think that made it worse than being a little kid when this shit happens.
TL;DR Bruised my knee while my mother had a mouth full.
ddxxr888: at least your parents love still each other, if that's any consolation.
Chesthairmakesmehot: I look back at the situation and realize how passionate it was. There were candles lit and everything. Man, I fucked up a good time for my dad.
And no, I'm sure she didn't finish. She came right out to the garage and asked me why I didn't knock first and why the hell did I break the door. I had to explain what happened, she still didn't believe me. I remember my dad messed around with the door and then he told my mom I wasn't lying.
churlishmonk: so what you're saying is, she suspected you were intentionally eavesdropping to satiate a sick incest fetish? That's way worse
lostkeysblameHofmann: Man this post really brings me back to my own childhood. My parents were not big on sex ed but they were big on sex so I would always post up outside of my parents room at night and listen to them fuck and not know what it was. I dunno why i kept going back but i did. well, regardless, they began to realize what I was doing and whenever they'd catch me they'd make me spend the night in The Bad Place.
This really affected my sexual development. As I progressed through puberty, I became a bit of a voyeur. I used to spy on my neighbors and watch them doing normal things and once I got lucky and saw my old man neighbor's middle aged daughter masturbating during a visit! How weird is that? nothing like a visit to dad to turn you on. Anyway, even at school I had this ultimate dream of going into the girl's locker room. It was the only thing I could think about. So one day I ditched class with the intent of going into the locker room to set up a camera. luckily for me, the timing war right and I got in and all of the bras and stuff spewed about was almost too much for me to handle. A sensory overload. But the crown jewel was that I noticed a stall door was open and some girl had taken a gigantic shit and I stopped in my tracks. I went into the stall and just observed. I became one with the poop. it was of an impressive girth and size, not unlike a geoduck.
well, unfortunately for me i was so caught up with this magnificent specimen than I forgot to set up my camera and I was in there so long with the poop that the class ended and the girls came back! I immediately closed the door and cowered, knowing the ramifications of if I was caught. well, of course anxiety gave way to pleasure as I realized there were multiple hot teenaged girls naked on the other side of the door! wow! And they were talking about the most mundane stuff. And gross stuff too like periods which served to turn me on further. Well, regardless, i stayed there until after everyone left, rubbed a quick one out while sniffing the poo, and gtfo'd. That was one of the best days of my life.
Marvster: Lmfao what the actual fuck
[deleted]: OP is a creep. or, ..well... was, but probably still is too.
Chesthairmakesmehot: OP here, definitely still am.
1Pantikian: OP are you a male?
JimJonesIII: Username, plus the fact that 21yo OP had to go ask Dad to reach something in the garage suggests that OP is a girl. And then I guess [this comment by OP](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/251dtz/tifu_by_knocking_on_my_parents_door/chd6zre?context=3) kinda seals the dea.
Chesthairmakesmehot: I also have a picture of myself up on a post. You guys are horrible detectives.
egadsman: Plus if the picture is anything to go by she is a hot red head.
PM_ME_YOUR_TITS_PLZ_: Or a guy with a beard, can be hard to tell
| 13 | 307.769231 | |
1399560510 | 1399576369 | t3_251m89 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by following through on a CL ad.
me being lonely and vulnerable sought out a lady of the evening. meet her and chat for a few minutes before heading to her car. she asked for her donation when we met and when we get to her car I see 2 other guys in there and she says sorry as she gets in and drives away. i don't really care about the money so much I am mostly just concerned that her and the scummy people she was with will be a problem down the road even though I let her know I had no intentions on following up and told her to enjoy the well earned donation.
tl;dr: some lady took my money and ran haha
pamplemus: her "donation"? is that a fancy way of saying "payment" so you can pretend you weren't about to hook up with a prostitute? there's no shame in that, but own it.
germandoerksen: I think that's the way it's worded on Craigslist so they don't get busted for prostitution. He's owning up to it by saying "Donation", you just have to not be naive.
pamplemus: i didn't realize i'm naive just because i don't scout craigslist for hookers.
germandoerksen: that's not why you're naive. You don't have to scout cl for hookers to realize that "I gave her a donation after we met up" doesn't *literally* mean "I gave her a donation after we met up". That's why you're naive.
pamplemus: did you misread my original comment or something? i know that "donation" = payment. i was just saying it's a weird way to put it since he's telling the story on reddit, not advertising his services on craigslist and trying to avoid getting arrested. it was a joke, dude. maybe you're the one who shouldn't take things so literally.
germandoerksen: > her "donation"? is that a fancy way of saying "payment" so you can pretend you weren't about to hook up with a prostitute?
Sorry, that certainly doesn't come off as a joke. Sounds like you were trying to poke fun at the guy. Not a very funny joke at all. He know's he was hooking up and he wasn't "pretending" anything.
Oh no, he wasn't totally blatant and said "I paid my hooker her fee before we did the deed." Better tell him to stop being a pussy about it.
pamplemus: i'm not teasing him for visiting a sex worker, just for the strange choice of words. not quite sure why you're so eager to attack me.
germandoerksen: Because there was nothing strange about his choice of words. That's what I'm getting at. Or trying to anyway.
| 9 | 0.555556 | |
1399554754 | 1399621375 | t3_251e73 | t5_2to41 | 8 | A7XnJackDaniels: TIFU by spilling my guts to an ex
Not that big of a fuck up but I still feel like an idiot. I invited her to a BBQ and one thing led to another and I started telling her how much I miss her and I should have treated her better. I was a drunken mess last night. She didn't respond much after that. I hope she doesn't come to the cook out...probably not going to an issue though. Haha.
rude_knightofnew: You might get some boom boom out of it if you're lucky
A7XnJackDaniels: Probably not, she stopped replying last. I apologized this morning. All she said was, "lol it's fine."
roxya21: That "lol it's fine" is a sure sign you wont't be seeing her.
PM_ME_YOUR_CHESTHAMS: Yeah, she probably wasn't Laughing Out Loud.
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1399562577 | 1399565036 | t3_251ph4 | t5_2to41 | 15 | matrix1der: Tifu by moving some files
I'm at work now but this happened yesterday.
First and foremost I'm a rapper hence why I was in a studio.
So i was finishing up a session and thought it would be a good idea to take a copy the file with me to let some of my friends hear. I connected my phone to the computer to transferred everything over. The setup we have uses windows 8 and knowing that i'm not to familiar with it I wanted to make sure that everything was properly copied. Scrolling down I didn't notice until it was to late that I had a picture of my penis (A whole other TIFU) on screen and the engineer saw it. after what seemed like a hour of awkward silence I unplugged everything and tried to make a smooth exit while cursing my self out in my head. I'm going to drunk now
TLDR; DICK PIC WAS SEEN NOW SUPER EMBARRASSED
Edit: Grammar
Evixtion: Proof read.
matrix1der: Thanks
| 3 | 5 | |
1399564284 | 1399566228 | t3_251sap | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: TIFU by forgetting to register for graduation
So I had it in my head that when I registered for my final year of university, I also confirmed I would be attending my graduation. With the craziness of final year work it was totally pushed out of my head until last week, when I realised I hadn’t yet received a date/any further information. Just found out I haven’t been registered as attending and the ceremony is currently full. I’m being put on a waiting list in case of cancellations but I’m still freaking out I won’t get to attend. I will definitely get the chance to attend a ceremony, but is there much point if I won’t get photos with my friends etc.? Reddit, I done fucked up a very important day of my life :(
lemineftali: I did it too. I just forgot.
Came in handy later when I couldn't find a job for 5 months and I was able to tell the next job offering that I graduated in May of 2013 instead of December of 2012.
faroffland: Haha nice! I will definitely be allowed to attend a ceremony in July but I'm really torn because I want to graduate/have photos with all my friends, but then it's a really significant day and I also want to be able to have a proper grad photo with my family like my sister did. It's not the end of the world but right now I'm really feeling the pressure of final year and it's the shitty cherry on top.
| 3 | 8 | |
1399566010 | 1399577230 | t3_251v57 | t5_2to41 | 91 | [deleted]: TIFU by seeming to be racist, but was really only an asshole
I lived in an apartment with two other dudes, call them John and Adam. John is Japanese and Adam is another white dude. So one day, Adam and I are playing video games in the living room, and John walks in with his new girlfriend, call her Amy.
Amy was also Japanese, very cool style, but one thing stuck out about the couple: she was morbidly obese and about 3 inches taller than rail thin John. We make small talk, get to know her a bit, and then John and Amy go to John's room.
A little time passes, and I nudge Adam and say: "Good God, did you see that chick?! We better hide the dog, I don't want her to eat it!"
Well, John happened to hear me talking shit about his blimp of a girlfriend and speed walks over to us with fists clenched and yells at me "You racist fuck, Japanese people don't even eat dogs!"
"No, man, you got it all wrong! I meant because she's fat!"
Happy ending edit: They got married, have a kid, she subsequently lost all the weight and is now smoking hot. Dude played a hell of a long game.
roxya21: Ha! He's more concerned about the fact that you mentioned the dog than the fact that his girlfriend is fat!
superstooper: Well I mean if she's that obese it's not like he can deny it.
| 3 | 30.333333 | |
1399565562 | 1399588589 | t3_251ue3 | t5_2to41 | 62 | meatloaficent: TIFU by testing my caffeine intolerance.
Caffeine has always made me sick. Sweats, headaches, gastrointestinal distress. However, recently I've been able to sample sips of others' soda or tea without much trouble. It stood to reason that I might be outgrowing my intolerance, right? I decided to test the dreaded drug and find out.
On my errand circuit, I picked up an Honest Tea. Not much caffeine there - just enough to ease in. And I had just eaten lunch, so it wouldn't hurt, right? Right?
Well, half the bottle was enough to get the gastrointestinal rumblings going. Were I a clever woman, here's where I would have stopped. Nope - I had to be the hero. *Soldier through. You'll probably come out the other end sparkling and refreshed.* I realize, in retrospect, that tinkering with an involuntary biological reaction is very different from, say, facing a phobia. Strung out on my own bravado, though, I pressed on.
...an hour on the toilet later (plus chills, sweats, and a nascent migraine), I am unabashedly gorging on humble pie. Never. Again.
dantejfh1: i didn't know people were "caffeine intolerant". i rarely drink soda (by choice) and even more rarely drink coffee. i don't drink the coffee because in about 20 minutes i'll have a date with the toilet. maybe i'm intolerant as well...does coffee have more caffeine than a can of sprite?
pedroah: Sprite does not have caffeine, so yes
dantejfh1: really? none at all? huh. didn't know that. this would explain why i like sprite but hate cola regardless of brand.
pedroah: Same goes for 7 up. There are caffeine free versions of Coke and Pepsi too, most supermarkets usually have them.
dantejfh1: i know there are caffeine-free versions, but i always assumed there was caffeine in the normal versions.
| 6 | 10.333333 | |
1399568036 | 1399575056 | t3_251yic | t5_2to41 | 31 | soultorndrummer: TIFU by putting oil in my car before leaving for work
When I left my house this morning I knew I needed to fill up the tank. I went to the gas station and filled it up and decided I'd check my oil level. It looked like it needed about a quart, so I grabbed a quart of oil from my trunk, put it in, shut the hood, and drove to work.
I have a commute of about 50 mile, and when I get to work I notice a smell of hot oil. I pop the hood to realize that I forgot to put the oil cap back on, and the hood of my car and entire engine bay is covered in oil. I might have caught this earlier if my oil pressure gauge worked, but it doesn't.
the_dinks: Once, my friend tripped and poured oil all over the engine. An entire bottle of Penzoil, killed before its time :*(
Xcasinonightzone: that bottle of liquid dinosaur juice was already killed billions of years ago. RIP.
the_dinks: ####;_;
edit:
>billions
nice math there
| 4 | 7.75 | |
1399576334 | 1399581191 | t3_252cnw | t5_2to41 | 7 | idocrazystuff: TIFU by dropping a 40lb dumbbell on my nuts while doing the cinnamon challenge..
And My brother decided it would be funny if it was recorded..
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n8lKQREjCy4&feature=youtu.be
OtulGib: Came here to say, I hope your nuts feel better. After watching the video, I hope you are sterile.
idocrazystuff: lol
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1399575318 | 1399666100 | t3_252ayn | t5_2to41 | 150 | Fiannaidhe: TIFU by trusting my coworker
I'm an electrician apprentice. Today I was under a house and had to make a box up where the previous electrician just wire nutted a joint together.
I asked my coworker to test the end where the well pump was and he told me the wire had no voltage. I proceeded to undo the joints and put the wire in the box. And then, big spark! It tripped the main 200 amp breaker.
I now have flash burn in my eyes from the spark happening about 18 inches from my face. Yay pain, still have to finish the day out too.
TIL never trust anyone when it comes to electricity. And always carry a tester.
Tl; Dr: got flash burn in my eyes at work
Joebklyn: Got a little gizmo with my Sears Multi-meter. Put the red tipped thing near any wire/s. If there is electricity present it will light up. Saved me a few times when I thought the circuit was turned off.
Fiannaidhe: I've heard those referred to add suicide sticks. I have an ideal, but didn't want to crawl the whole way back across the crawl space and out to get it. Next time, I will for sure. My eyes feel better now, but they were definitely uncomfortable for a while. If I had known I was going to be working a box I would have brought it with me, but I thought I was just fishing a wire
Burninator_89: I also have one of these tools that light up near live wires. I call it a light stick or a volt stick. It's reliable enough to check for 240v AC through gyprock before punching through with my plaster saw. It's slightly bigger than a pen and fits in the pen pocket on my shirt so I always have it with me. On worksites with multiple contractors I can check a light switch with it, go switch the breaker off then return and check with the stick again before removing it. It's not a replacement for a real voltmeter in any case but it's definitely handy.
Sibire: It tells you where to avoid, at least. Most of the time.
| 5 | 30 | |
1399584327 | 1399665767 | t3_252kx1 | t5_2to41 | -1 | [deleted]: Dude, the only way to deal with confrontation issues is to push through. And the only way to get help is to confront people.
carlitabear: Anxiety sucks, dude. It's not as simple as pushing through.
[deleted]: Coming from someone that suffers from anxiety...sometimes it is. You can choose to fight it. It will be extremely uncomfortable and you will fall flat every now and then but over time it will get better. I could barely talk to anyone on the phone years ago but i got through it.
carlitabear: I've come a long way, too. I couldn't even order my own food at restaurants a few years ago. Sometimes, you *can* push through, but at this stage it's just not that simple. While talking to people is easier, facing them head-on about this is not. Even sending an email is nerve wracking to me, but I can't let that keep me from defending myself.
| 4 | -0.25 | |
1399583097 | 1399603000 | t3_252o35 | t5_2to41 | 28 | byggetborgen: TIFU by telling my long-distance gf that I watch porn.
We've been together for almost a year and nine months, but having hidden my porn-trails like a fucking pro, she had no clue. I thought that she knew. There is no man in a long distance relationship who does not watch porn. Anyways, she took it pretty bad. Ended up being my fault. I now "watch other women."
TheJackal8: I wouldn't really say you messed up, it sounds like she's overreacting.
devals: I remember having this reaction- maybe it would be different if I were married, but I just can't imagine ever feeling so insecure and hurt about it again. I do remember why it fucks with your head though, the first time your're confronted with that uncomfortable human truth when you're young like that.
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1399585660 | 1399657386 | t3_252s5w | t5_2to41 | 20 | Bennythen00b: TIFU by ordering $100.000 worth of spare parts
I'm 19, I work at a dairy/milk processing plant, and somehow I'm responsible for ordering and organizing spare parts for the various machines we have here.
Some months ago I was going through our spare parts lists and noticed we had a lot of missing spares for a specific machine. I asked one of the technicians what I should do about missing spares and he told me to order stuff if we were missing anything, and I did just that. Copy pasted the entire excel file to the spare parts supplier and said I wanted to order what was missing. Had no idea what I was ordering but thought I did the right thing. (Don't know jack shit about the machines)
Weeks passed, never heard from them. Assumed they'd forgotten about my order and eventually I forgot about it too. Apparently the list was outdated anyway and we didn't need those spare parts.
Today we got a huge fucking box (couple hundred kgs) of spares and a $100,000 bill delivered to our door. With spares we dont need. Fuck.
tl;dr: Research before ordering shit.
Fryes: Sorry but do you mean $100,000?
Buddyinthecity: OP is not in US.
Fryes: I assumed but just wanted to clarify.
CanadianAngel23: Then don't ask stupid questions
| 5 | 4 | |
1399584765 | 1399588839 | t3_252qro | t5_2to41 | 2 | BigSackMoneyBag: TIFU: The worlds most fuck up prone hockey player.
dralcax: What am I supposed to be looking at here?
BigSackMoneyBag: His name is TIFU
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1399586035 | 1399611393 | t3_252sru | t5_2to41 | 38 | lover0: TIFU by not saying "no"
I'm still a bit upset seeing as how this happened less than an hour ago.
My day consists of waking up, getting ready for work, getting the little one up for school and leaving before her father takes her to her bus stop. I get home about an hour before I have to pick up the little one from her bus stop, so sometimes I'll relax or run errands. I've gotten to know a few regulars who wait for their children at the bus stop. One person in particular has become very fond of myself, the little one, and the father. A few days ago, the old man (who is fond of us) asked me if I have free time for lunch. I felt a weird vibe so I told him no. Good for me, learning to say no. Well today I didn't work, so I went out and did some shopping. It was a great stress reliever, I was happy. Well I get to the bus stop and wait for the bus. The old man begins to talk to me like normal. He then brings up a "mobile device" conversation, then asks if I have one. Again with the weird vibe, but I wanted to believe that he really wanted his granddaughter and our little one to get to know each other. That he wanted his daughter and myself to help eachother out and to help the little ones father out with his career (he had previously told me that his friend works where the little ones father is interning at). NOPE. Boy was I wrong. After I hesitantly gave him my number, he turned into a whole nother person. Started talking about how "hot" I was, how "sexy" and "perfect" I am. The bus was at the next block when he changed moods, by the time I realized what had just happened, the little one was getting off the bus. He whispered to me "it'll be just between us, our little secret" then started talking to his granddaughter like normal.
**TLDR:** TIFU by thinking an old man wouldn't dare hit on a women younger than his youngest daughter, gave him my number, and now don't know what to do.
RollingTire: Perfect example of a Creeper. Does he know where you live?
lover0: Sadly yes. we live in sight of the bus stop, he's always there before we get there and leaves after we get in our house.
spankthepunkpink: at least you've learned a lesson. Maybe the next step after 'no' is getting up the spirit to say 'please leave me alone, I'm not interested and you're making me uncomfortable'.
But that will make shit awkward, far out, you're in a tight spot. Hopefully he's just creepy but is harmless and that's the worst you'll get.
I can't do it either so please don't think I'm hassling you, I'm actually taking a self help course right now that's about 'speaking up' and asserting yourself more, it is the most awkward group of girls to hang out in!
| 4 | 9.5 | |
1399590217 | 1399644939 | t3_252zke | t5_2to41 | -14 | theone_whoknocks: TIFU. Today I was informed that I have been continuously fucking up for four years by not canceling a monthly payment to my ex.
TL;DR: Forgot to cancel a payment to my ex when we split four years ago and now I'm out 1.138 bucks.
So today my ex whom I have not been in touch with for four years (we left on really bad terms) contacted me on Facebook. She told me that she recently discovered that a monthly payment of 150 SEK (approx. 23 USD) is being made from my account to hers. I called my bank and they confirmed that this has been going on since about a year before we broke up in 2010. I remember that this payment was for my part of the insurance on our car which we sold when we split, I guess I forgot to cancel it. Compounded over the years the payments ad up to about 1.138 USD. She did not offer to pay the money back to me and honestly I don't think I will ask her to. I don't know if I have a legitimate claim to it since it was my mistake. Paying 1.138 bucks all at once is a lot more noticeable than paying 23 dollars a month for four years and I realize I have put her in kind of a shitty situation. I guess I'll just have to call this one an idiot tax and move on.
the_dinks: Do you mean $1,138? As in one thousand thirty-eight dollars? If so, I suggest you change your 1.138 to 1,138. It'll make your fuck-up easier to read.
And that whole situation sucks, although if it's any consolation you acted like a gentleman.
Ghostofazombie: Not everyone lives in the US.
the_dinks: Agreed, but this is still primarily an American/English speaking subreddit. My goal is readability, not correctness, anyways.
esearcher: It's perfectly readable. Nobody would consider one dollar and fourteen cents to be a fuck up. If somebody really didn't understand that it was over one thousand dollars, then they might just be too dumb for the internet. And most people realize that currency is punctuated differently all over the world.
the_dinks: That's kinda rude, m8
esearcher: I don't think so. This sub has people from all over the world, there's no need to make it american-centric, or shame people for not using americanisms. This is the second or third complaint I've seen today on TIFU about not being able to understand the value of the currency stated because of a period instead of a comma. It's a ridiculous complaint, especially in this post where a little common sense tells a reader that the period is in lieu of a comma.
the_dinks: I obviously understand what the post meant, I was just trying to help him with his writing. As an English teacher, I feel qualified to do so. This is a warning to be more polite in the future.
esearcher: >This is a warning to be more polite in the future.
You have got to be kidding me. I wasn't impolite, I just disagreed with you. Am I supposed to kowtow to you because you're the new mod?
Is this really the way mods are supposed to behave?
the_dinks: >they might just be too dumb for the internet
pretty rude
edit: I'm going to rewrite your comment to be clearer.
>It's perfectly readable. Nobody would consider one dollar and fourteen cents to be a fuck up. If somebody really didn't understand that it was over one thousand dollars, then they might just be too dumb for the internet. And most people realize that currency is punctuated differently all over the world.
***
I don't know, I think it's readable. I could see where you would be confused, but I doubt anyone would seriously consider $1.14 to be a fuck up. I can see where someone unused to seeing money in that format would be put off, but it's actually quite widespread :)
***
Do you see how I gave myself the benefit of the doubt? Even if I think I'm a complete idiot for thinking that, it's always best not to assume.
esearcher: Oh please, that wasn't rude. I totally stand by that. If someone actually thinks the OP was complaining about losing one dollar and fourteen cents, they are too dumb for the internet. And considering this is Reddit, that isn't even mildly rude, not even in the ballpark, and I would think you should know that. Stop being a bully mod.
the_dinks: I added a rephrasing of your comment to assist my point. And this is the last message I will exchange with you here on this topic. The rule is to be courteous, and as a mod of this subreddit, I have to enforce that rule. If you want to talk more, pm me. I'd be happy to oblige, really.
esearcher: To whom, specifically, was I being discourteous? I was being sarcastic and the object of my sarcasm was a hypothetical user. I don't think you can really bully me for being sarcastic about a hypothetical user. There is absolutely nothing in the rules that addresses my intent or communication. And yes, I am posting this publicly because I think it's important to show how quickly a community can go to hell with a power-drunk, bully mod. And I believe that is the way you are behaving toward me. Why are you bullying me for making a comment about hypothetical users, but you've ignored the user who actually called you out for saying moderation like yours is going to turn the sub to shit? Worry about that, not my sarcastic joke about a hypothetical reader.
the_dinks: Okay, that's actually a valid point. I can see how that could be perceived as a bully. So let me clarify.
The thing is, I looked at the comment declaring my moderation style to be a sign of the apocalypse (turning the sub into shit and such), and thought, "there's no way I'm going to get through to that guy." I gave him a warning in the mod toolbox and moved on.
edit: also, defending against everyone who cried "mods are shit" and left would leave little time for anything else
You, however, seemed coherent enough to merit a response. And you should feel good about that! Your comment wasn't wrong, logically, just on the discourteous side. Remember, sarcasm doesn't travel over the internet.
But then you denounced me for being a "bully mod." Trust me, I've gotten all my "bully" modship feelings out in /r/braveryjerk and /r/bannedfrom4chan. If I ever cared about bullying users, I'd do it there, where it's not only accepted, but a part of the culture and overall joke.
My job is to help people with writing, offer advice, talk to the community, work on the css, but most of all, **enforce the rules.** When I did the first, my fellow mod called me out on my (accidental) Eurocentrism. And that's fair! But he did it in a polite way. You, however, jumped to sarcasm and implied I was too stupid to be on the internet. /u/DarqWolff-esque claims aside, it didn't feel too good to be called stupid. And if me, a longtime reddit user (although not as long as you, wow), felt slightly hurt, imagine how a completely new user would feel visiting this sub. And as a new default subreddit mod, I have to look out for those for whom it may be *their first day in a comment section.*
I hope that helps clear things up for you.
esearcher: But my point wasn't that YOU were too dumb to use the internet. My point was joking sarcasm about the people you were worried about. Because they can deal with a . instead of a , and if they can't, really, they need to evaluate their own comprehension issues and expectations on the mufti-cultured internet.
Just a little issue of mine, I can not stand pandering to the lowest common denominator, and I hate when people are like "make it american so americans can understand" (and I am american, so this isn't the product of anti-americanism). I hate the fact that Americans expect to be catered to on the internet, and I just recently read that whole long thread about how people in other countries spot Americans, and at one point it turned to how offensive it is to people in other countries when they are expected to behave/speak like americans on Reddit. And that point resonated with me. So that, combined with the fact that I thought it was pretty considerate of the OP (in the TIFU thread) to convert the money into USD, I felt for him being picked at for punctuation. Because, at the end of the day, he made an attempt, the period really didn't make it less readable for the majority of the public.
In any case, if you look through my history, all you will find are helpful comments and a lack of cruelty. I'm not a mean person, and I would never call a specific person too dumb to be on the internet, so I obviously wasn't talking about you. I was talking about the hypothetical lowest common denominator.
As far as helping people with writing, I do take umbrage with your suggested revision of my comment. I don't speak in a passive voice, and I think that's ok. I also think it's ok to say things directly. Unless they are specifically hurtful things, I don't think I need to be like "I think, maybe, it's possible that you could have done this, but maybe not, but some users might so smile" It's just not my style, and I think it's ok to have one's own style.
I have no idea who darqwolff is, and I'm not even a hardcore redditor. But anyway, the main point is that my comment was not directed to you, I'm sorry you took it that way, but it was in no way directed toward you. I'm not going to change to a more passive writing style, and if you're suspicious of my reddit personality, like I said, feel free to look at my history. I'm not mean.
And with all of that said, thank you for your message.
the_dinks: I'm not suspicious of your reddit personality. My point is, if it came off as harsh for *me,* how would it affect people with thinner skin?
But thank you for keeping our conversation civil ,and I'll lift your warning. I thought you were directing your sarcasm towards me, but clearly i was mistaken.
And if you haven't seen the DarqWolff copypasta, [get ready for a wild ride] (http://www.reddit.com/r/gaming/comments/sf2e7/i_sent_gabe_newell_a_question_about_what_his_life/c4dmknx). IMHO, it is second only to the Navy Seals copypasta.
esearcher: Thank you, also, for keeping it civil. And I am sorry that you mistook what I said as an insult to you. Also, thanks for lifting the warning.
I'll check out the darqwolff stuff, and navy seals? Another thing to check out. I've only just finished cumbox, jolly rancher, broken arms/mother, doritos, and the rest of the stories like that. Now on to more reddit lore. Thanks :)
the_dinks: No problem, dude. It really was nice sorting this out. It's a nice break from the "you literally have ruined my country" modmails I get in /r/Netherlands
And here's the Navy Seals copypasta:
What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.
esearcher: Oh, wow. That is so delusional. I can't even find the words. Hopefully someone introduces that guy to the right medication. He's probably a pizza delivery dude whose closest link to the military is that free game they used to (still do?) put out.
FishesBeCrazy: That is an old post someone made of 4chan years ago. They were being sarcastic, trying to imitate the over-the-top responses people sometimes give to posts on the internet. It's not real, but if it was, damn. I wouldn't want to meet that guy.
| 20 | -0.7 | |
1399593055 | 1399594414 | t3_2533r3 | t5_2to41 | 222 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally playing an Efukt video in school for my whole class to see/hear
So, earlier this year i was having a great wank.
Had been horny all day and this was very late during the night.
I like this site called Efukt, it has some really disturbing videos but really some great once and a bit messed up.
So i lubed up my cock and started to masterbate.
Nearly as soon as i finished i fell asleep and didn't pay attention to the fact that my computer was not plugged into the wall.
At sometime during the night it became powerless.
The morning after i woke up and realized that i was already late for school, but as always i didn't really mind.
I just sat down in class, plugged my computer into the wall and pressed the power button.
AS SOON as i pressed it i got reminded what i was doing when i fell asleep.
The video started playing again behind my computer lock screen, so could do nothing to stop it.
Those fucking moans still hunt my memories, the whole class stopped and they started laughing and i honestly wished i could just die.
Tldr: I accidentally opened a porn video in the middle of class in January.
appleman94: you whack it to efukt vids... wtf.
bodom2245: Do you not?
appleman94: only occasionally
| 4 | 55.5 | |
1399596160 | 1399613788 | t3_25389y | t5_2to41 | 37 | jacobnielson: TIFU by telling my C# teacher about Pen Island
Didn't happen today. It was actually 6+ years ago, I was 15.
There is or was a fake website that pretended to sell pens. It was pen island. It only existed as a joke because of how the url looks... penisland.
Well, back in Jr High, I was telling my C# teacher about it. He thought it was pretty funny and decided to give it a look. Well, I told him to go to .net or to .com or whatever and it wasn't right. He went to an actual penisland website, as a teacher, while in school.
Yeah, he was pissed. He had previously given me a proxy so I could browse the internet freely. He took that away.
**TL;DR I accidentally led my C# teacher to a gay porn site.**
dralcax: www.penisland.com
www.penisland.net
Choose wisely.
jacobnielson: My 4 year old daughter is in the room I'm not risking it. I remember the Pen Island one being pretty funny though...
doctor_why: It sells pens. I swear to God.
| 4 | 9.25 | |
1399596102 | 1399665132 | t3_253874 | t5_2to41 | 24 | HissingPixels: TIFU by forgetting to log off in my school's library.
Ok, so first. Let me start off by saying I'm a high schooler so don't hate me too bad.
This is so bad.
So I skipped lunch and went to the library at my school to work on a project with my friends. Power surged, and everything restarted. After that, I didn't bother to turn it back on. Well, I had logged on to my gmail account earlier and completely forgotten to log out.
6th period comes, and some kid goes on to my account and thinks he's so funny and sends "im eat your pussy" to one of my female teachers.
Then, the guy sends it to the trash and thinks it's everything's all sweet and dandy.
7th period comes, and I'm pulled from my class by the dean. I find the message in my trashcan and I'm just speechless. I spend the whole period in the dean's office trying to explain myself. At the time, I was so shaken up and so I couldn't think straight. I didn't remember that I had my gmail logged in the library. So, I'm trying to think while not panicking. They end up taking and keeping my chromebook for further investigation. Ends up realizing what I've done in the bus. I already emailed and called the school but to no reply. I'm so scared. I don't know what to do. I have pretty bad stress and anxiety problems. If they think I was the one who wrote it, my entire life is going to be screwed.
-Parents,family, friends, teachers and classmates will think I’m some sort of pervert.
-I’ll get credit denial in all 7 classes.
-I’ll have to flunk 10th grade.
-My first suspension in my life.
Straight A's, student council, asian parents, all to waste thanks to some kid who thought it'd be funny to send my teacher a sexual email. I don't hate anybody and nobody hates me. I'm one of the nicest guy you'll meet and this happens. Why?
TLDR; forgot to log off in library, some kid emails my teacher something very sexual, dean grabs me, takes my chromebook. I'm so scared.
poohspiglet: Didn't you have to sign a technology agreement as a user at the school? Isn't there a clause in there that you will not abuse the system or commit fraud? If you don't have anything like this already, you should check on it.
I think you should also write a synopsis or letter to the teacher, apologizing for your mistake, immediately, and then you'll have an ally if this snowballs.
HissingPixels: Yeah, I literally wrote a 3 paragraph sorry email to the teacher. No replies yet. I've been refreshing nonstop.
poohspiglet: Good on you. How straightening out that going?
HissingPixels: I'm a pretty good student in her class and so I think she understands that it's not me. This is pretty good, having the teacher on my side. Couldn't talk to the dean yet, and so my chromebook is still being investigated. Hopefully Monday will shine some light. The anxiety is killing me though.
| 5 | 4.8 | |
1399597529 | 1399649426 | t3_253a7j | t5_2to41 | 6,860 | yoooooitsme: TIFU by drunk SnapChatting
So I was snapchatting with this girl I knew for a while and things were getting a little heated. I get a snapchat from her with her showing her tits. The only reasonable thing to do was to send her a dick pic. So I send her the dick pic with the caption "you like?" and after maybe an hour without a response I text her asking if she didn't like my last snapchat. She says she never got a picture back. So now I'm like fuck fuck fuck who do I send that dick pic to and I go to check my history and the most recent update was the snapchat from the girl showing me her tits. My stomach immidiatly sunk because I knew what I did. I go to check my MyStory and there it was. For those of you who don't know what a MyStory is, you basically post pictures to it and everyone in your SnapChat contacts can see it, which includes about 50 of my friends and family, almost all of which saw my dick.
TL;DR: Sent a picture of my dick to my friends and family.
WindNotFart: NEVER send a pic of your dick! Nobody, NOBODY wants to look at a dick.
yoooooitsme: I think I'm gonna start playing by those rules now. But whats the male equivalent of a tit pic?
zman0900: Butthole closeup
Cproo12: Bonus points for crust.
VodkaBarf: There is nothing quite like the crack of the crust.
My last girlfriend had an anal fixation. She had previously been in a BDSM relationship, but her master suddenly died. She and I met on Craigslist.
She was looking for someone to get her over the recent death of her master and satisfy her needs. She posted an ad saying something to the effect of exactly [this](http://boozeandothernonsense.files.wordpress.com/2012/10/cc-op-43.png). I responded, assuming that this was all an elaborate ruse.
imagine my shock when I stared into that fetid hole. It was completely caked in dry waste. She was really nice though, and I'd feel bad if I got her all worked up with no payoff. I bit my lip and went in hot.
It. Was. Amazing. I'd still be dating her if she hadn't gone to prison.
vodkabarfs_penis: Do you guys see the shit he puts me through?
^im^so^sorry
VodkaBarf: I thought I told you no Reddit until after you cleaned your room!
Edit: How have you had that account for over a month?
vodkabarfs_penis: YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD!!
Edit: if I told you it would ruin the mystery..
VodkaBarf: Someone is getting spanked tonight.
vodkabarfs_penis: Not again! This is like the 12th time today!
VodkaBarf: You should be so lucky.
vodkabarfs_penis: So How does it feel to be conversing with your penis and/or having a mental breakdown depending on my existence.
VodkaBarf: I have semi-regular discussions with my penis, I just don't know how it learned to type. If you're such a quick learner then we are about to get really good at guitar.
vodkabarfs_penis: We could be the next big thing in music!
VodkaBarf: I know that this is a terrible idea, but I'm drunk, it's after 2 AM, and I have nothing better to do. Hope I remember to wash this pick.
gigabored: What just happened
lakerswiz: Yeah wtf.
| 18 | 381.111111 | |
1399593270 | 1399599353 | t3_253428 | t5_2to41 | 17 | alanram: TIFU by trying to be a good brother.
So my little brother is 17 and only 4 years younger than me so we get along very well. We recently got the idea to go to the local park to hit a few balls with his baseball bat. We get there and take turns pitching the ball so the other can *try* to bat. We're at it for about an hour and it gets to be pretty exhausting; the sun was blazing, and we were having to chase after the balls that were hit as well as the ones that were not hit and just flying past the batter. We decide to head home after he bats one more set of balls. We had one baseball and one lacrosse ball because the lacrosse ball worked well as a baseball. I pitch about three or four times and he strikes out of all of them and it may have just been me but he looks pretty down about it so I say: "Come on, just hit the shit out of this last one and we'll go home".
Now, my brother is about 6'2" so far and this kid ain't no slouch. He used to do sports and wrestling in high school and shit. So we get into our respective positions ( about 30 feet away from each other) and I let the ball fly, right at his bat (I found out later that he put everything he had into that swing). The ball left my hand and I almost immediately heard a thump right by my ear. I look up to see the ball straight up in the air, spinning from the force of the impact it had as it collided with my shoulder. Fear grips my heart as I lift my arm to make sure it's not dislocated or worse. It was fine, just hurt my pride. Didn't hurt much for a few minutes but then I slowly began to feel it as I took him back home.
Feels a little better but now my shoulder is purple.
TL;DR: Underestimated my little brother and took a solid fucking rubber lacrosse ball traveling full speed directly at my shoulder. Great fucking swing! Hurts.
Zerothaught: Ouch. Sucks when that happens. There is a reason why MLB pitchers throw from 60 feet away...
OnyxEcho: I fear baseball. I prefer wiffle ball!
Seriously, a ball being thrown very fast. It's pretty much a rock. Rocks are hard.
Wiffle ball? It's like a nice, soft, feather.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1399590550 | 1399641477 | t3_25302q | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU at my high school's rally
.
alanram: >...and bobbing for apples in toilet bowls.
nuff said
devals: wtf, now I really wanna know what was in this post..
Voyager5555: Seriously...
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1399606327 | 1399721620 | t3_253mq9 | t5_2to41 | 9 | kwik_throwaway: TIFU by telling my crush how I felt
Ok, so not exactly today, but over the last couple of weeks or so.
I've had a crush on this girl for a while, but she has a boyfriend. A couple weeks ago, I told her I had feelings for her.
A while (maybe a week?) later, I sent her an email asking if she wanted to hang out. A week later, she replied saying she didn't want to spend time with me because of how I felt and that she didn't want to make "things any harder."
...yeah. Was really hoping we could be friends.
Not that I blame her one bit, I'm really fat and ugly, so she very likely (and ofc understandably) feels disgusted. :(
I'm really not sure why I believed the conventional wisdom of "Oh, just tell the person how you feel!" I guess it doesn't apply if as unattractive as I am. Can't believe that never occurred to me...
Also, throwaway in case someone recognizes it.
EDIT: Just to clarify, I'm not upset she doesn't like me. I'm upset b/c she doesn't want to be friends anymore (again, not blaming her one bit for either of those things).
Burninator_89: Don't put the pussy on a pedestal. I repeat. DO NOT PUT THE PUSSY ON A PEDESTAL!
Be yourself. If they don't like you the way you are then they aren't worth your time. For her to be so casual about cutting you out I'd say even friendship wouldn't be worth your time. You rock dude and one day a girl will see it and fall head over heels for you. When that happens, treat her right. A mate for life is worth more than a hundred mates for one night each.
kwik_throwaway: See, the thing is, I don't want a quick fuck. If that were the case, I wouldn't be so upset about this...
magnimoth: But here's the thing: You were looking for that in a girl ALREADY in a relationship. Even if she DID dump him for you, do you really want this "lifetime mate" from a girl who dumped her serious boyfriend because someone said they liked her?
It will come naturally. Someone you become friends with, then more happens because the chemistry is just THERE. You can't force it. Trust me.
kwik_throwaway: Yeah. Re-reading this, I realized I wasn't clear.
Even if, in some weird alternate universe, I was attractive, and she did like me, I wouldn't *want* her to leave him for me.
When I say I'm ugly, I mean...I'm so ugly that she doesn't even want to be friends with me b/c she's offended.
*That*, not her rejecting me, is what I'm upset about.
magnimoth: I think she's just uncomfortable being friends with you because she knows you have feelings for her. That can be pretty awkward for someone, when they know that they don't reciprocate those feelings. She might be afraid to lead you on accidentally, or might even be hoping you can get over those feelings if she takes some time away from you. I've been on both sides of the fence (thankfully, not the "one with feelings" side since I've gotten older), but sometimes it's genuinely troubling to try to maintain a friendship with someone that you know has intense feelings for you that you do not turn.
Best thing to do is to let her have space, keep on doing what you were doing before and live your life, do what makes you happy, and if you and her are ever friends again in the future, so be it. If she's willing to stop talking to you because you confessed feelings, it obviously wasn't a VERY intense friendship, so no HUGE loss there. With some time, it will all gain perspective, don't worry.
kwik_throwaway: OK. The thing is, I wanted to apologize for some (unrelated) stuff/ask her to clarify a couple things she said/properly say goodbye to her.
There a good way of asking her to do that, or should I just not bother her?
magnimoth: Honestly I say let it ride. Easiest and safest course. No need for clarification. Just send her a quick response saying "That's fine, I understand. Take care!" (If you haven't already replied of course)
| 8 | 1.125 | |
1399606518 | 1399662580 | t3_253n0a | t5_2to41 | 35 | [deleted]: Tifu by spraying my job with blue dye
I was supposed to be throwing a bag of blue dye into the company pond, so it would have a nice blue color. These bags are pretty small and dye a whole pond, so they're really concentrated.
Well the one I threw had a hole in it, and the powder drifter over a white gazebo, a lot of concrete, and some furniture. Dyed them all VERY dark blue.
markdesign: just pour some club soda over it.
fynx07: That's a club I was never invited to :(
| 3 | 11.666667 | |
1399617402 | 1399742610 | t3_253zck | t5_2to41 | 94 | Timetravelr: Tifu by keeping my dead uncle's laptop
Like many posts on here it wasnt today, it was about a year ago that he died. While my parents set up funeral arangements i got the task of looking over his computer for financial stuff that would be useful to pay off debt he previously owed. Well stupid me, i go to his internet history for anything he may have had online and click the very first link on his search history without even looking or thinking about what may come up. I got to watch the last porn video he ever saw. It was awkward and sad, and confusing. Even sadder, im typing this on his laptop.
[deleted]: Lol what kind of laptop is it?
lpilky: Faptop
tetrahydrocanada: Fapbook Pro?
id10t_pen15: iFap?
n-f-chambers: Inspiron fapteenR?
[deleted]: Lenovo Thinkfap?
| 7 | 13.428571 | |
1399615646 | 1399659833 | t3_253xrj | t5_2to41 | 14 | throwgarble: TIFU when I got busted leaving an Asian Massage parlor
I got pulled over by undercover city cops. They made me a deal to let me go if I helped build them a case, which of course I jumped on. I'm only worried that one day they might ask me to testify. I'm hoping it all goes away...
mister_moustachio: 'I went in to ask for directions'
'I wanted a massage, I left as soon as I noticed it wasn't that kind of massage parlor'
'I walked in by mistake'
There are no laws against being stupid.
Also, if what happens there is illegal, and the cops know about it, why don't they just shut the place down?
tammerlian: probably no hard evidence
portissmith: all the evidence is in the tissues in the trash. it is hardened though.
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1399624284 | 1399711736 | t3_2544rg | t5_2to41 | 36 | kilowhisky: TIFU by ordering two tickets for an Eminem concert... Twice
Thought my order had fucked up as I accidentally closed the tab, reopened it and completed the order, but then the website didn't show it on my account and didn't send me a confirmation email. So thinking it had fucked up and not wanting to miss out on tickets, I went through the order again... And what a surprise, both orders went through. At £83 a ticket, that was an expensive mistake to make
packetOFfries: Today you have taken your first step towards becoming a ticket tout, congrats!
kilowhisky: Sounds fun... Do I get a t-shirt or a badge?
lickmybrains: Wait till the show sells out
post it on eBay for £100
profit
kilowhisky: Some of them are going for £400 - £500 on ebay.... much profit
| 5 | 7.2 | |
1399625316 | 1399630724 | t3_2545hp | t5_2to41 | 48 | MyPenLeaksFire: TIFU by trying to give a girl my phone number
This was three years ago. I came home for the summer from college to a place my parents had just moved, where I didn't know anybody. I was pissed about it because I didn't want to leave college where I had a lot of friends and go to a place where I didn't know anybody. I end up getting a job at a sports bar as a dish washer, which was a pretty shitty job. About two weeks later, I got a haircut one day when I didn't work. The girl who was cutting my hair was cute. We were having a great conversation and I was actually having a decent time getting a haircut. Lots of smiles the whole time for both of us.
The next day, after I get off work, I decide to go see if she's working. I'm wearing my work shirt, pretty sweaty from working. I go in there, and to my delight she's working. I take a seat to wait for her to get done cutting somebody's hair and she looked surprised to see me. I say something along the lines of "hey, so this is kind of random, but would you want to go to lunch sometime?" and she replies "Oh, you work at (that restaurant?) My boyfriend works there."
Not only did I feel kind of shitty from getting rejected, of all fucking places this girl's boyfriend can work, he works where I did. I felt like such a fuckface.
Sugusino: Why is this a fuck up?
welfareplate: Because his penis leaks fire. She was incinerated
devals: lmao well played, took me a minute, but the payoff was worth it
| 4 | 12 | |
1399627160 | 1399644750 | t3_2546s0 | t5_2to41 | 7 | krasito1997: TIFU a great chance of having a relationship with a beautiful girl i really like
so reddit there is that one girl i really like for 4 months and so here is how i fucked up so she started dating one of my friends and they've been together for a while but before 2 months they broke up so i thought that this was my chance we went out like 5 or six times but not only 2 of us we were just in the same group of people this time i asked her out on a date and she accepted we went to the movies everything was fine then after a 3 days or something i asked her again and she accepted again this time i organized a BBQ at my house with her and few more friends and then after this day we went to the movies again to watch the amazing spider man 2 (She is a huge fan of marvel) then i walked her to her house (and i thought of kissing her but i'm a beta so.....) and then yesterday i thought that it time for me to do sth she had to stay at the school for some extra language classes so i left before her bought a flower (a big red rose with red ribbon on it) and i waited in front of her house. i waited for 3-4 hours and then when she finally appeared i walked to her i gave her the rose and i said "i want to ask you sth but i think i'll mess everything up by speaking" then i kissed her. she didn't rejected me but she didn't gave back the kiss and when that awkward moment ended she said that she didn't knew what to do cuz i've always been such a sweetheart(her words) but she really didn't want to start a new relationship cuz she wanted to concentrate on studying and etc etc. so after a few moments of awkward quietness she asked me if i was ok and i told her that i'm fine and i'm not mad on her or sth and that i hope this wont effect our friendship and she said that she hopes so as well then we talked about some random shit like i'm the first guy to give her flower and etc etc and she said that i really had some ballz to do this cuz she have never seen such a thing irl only on movies.... then she said that she had to study and she entered her house asking me constantly if i was ok ..... then i left and walked home on foot i live 18 km away from her house.... so reddit this is my story i wanted to ask you how would you feel cuz i feel like shit and also if i did something wrong. and awso what should i do now cuz i really don't want to give up on her cuz i think i love her help me reddit
concernedbitch: I don't see the fuck-up. Yet. Kissing her without her permission could have been a fuck-up (don't do that again) but she didn't mind, apparently, so you haven't damaged your friendship. The only way you could fuck this up is by trying to make a move on her again, thereby demonstrating that you don't respect her decision and that you weren't sincere when you said you still wanted to be friends.
So don't do that.
krasito1997: i really esteem her as well as our friendship and i won't allow myself to do something as stupid as trying again something after she said she didn't want a relationship at this point of time
concernedbitch: Then if the only adverse outcome of your attempt is that you didn't get what you wanted, how is this a fuckup?
krasito1997: when i think of it i don't know maybe i just wanted to share it with somebody thanks guys you are awesome
concernedbitch: Good luck with stuff and everything. Also, /r/offmychest.
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1399637645 | 1399644091 | t3_254f6n | t5_2to41 | 137 | [deleted]: TIFU Breaking my friends phone
Was sitting in school with my classmates, when one of them pulls out a brand new smartphone, one of the earliest ones on the market I believe, and this was in 6th grade when everyone had Nokia's that 'maybe' could play snake. And by the way I had no phone at all at this time.
So he pulls it out and shows it to us and we're all like ooh-ing and aah-ing and then my friend decides to be even more badass. By saying that he doesn't even care about it and other 6th grade bullshit. So he starts throwing it up in the air, 2-3-4 times and I was so impressed with his new phone so I really didn't want him to drop it and break it, so when he threw it up in the air the last time, I threw out my hands in an attempt to catch it. I only succeeded in punching the phone mid air across the room into a locker and breaking the whole fucking screen. And my friend was furious yelling at me and the whole class looking at me like wtf you broke it you retard! I felt so stupid I didn't talk to him for a whole week.
Ragnar_OK: B...but he said he doesn't even care about it! You just called him out on his shit!
[deleted]: And I was labeled the asshole..
so0ks: Another redditor replied to me with this yesterday. I think you need one too.
http://i.imgur.com/CqfEwxe.gif
[deleted]: Thanks man, brohug.
| 5 | 27.4 | |
1399645178 | 1399648427 | t3_254oie | t5_2to41 | 136 | magicschoolbuscrash: TIFU by meeting with my bf on a dating app
Unlike some posts, this happened today. So I get bored a few weeks ago and go on Grindr. My boyfriend doesn't live in the same town as me and I wouldn't have done this if he were around. But hey, I'm curious. So I go online and chat to some guys casually. Nothing interesting happens, but then "Conor" comes along and fucks up my life for me. He starts chatting me up and I telling me to meet with him for sex. I politely decline and explain why I'm on grindr ("I have a bf, I'm just curious...").
Eventually I get horny and my dick takes the matter. Conor is pretty pushy. So I tell Conor tonight that "fine... I'll meet up". I say other stuff too. Can you guess where this is going? He tells me to meet up in a hotel in the city. I agree and walk there. When I ask him to come down and meet, he texts me and says "I'll call you". When I pick up, a familiar voice answers. It's my bf. He starts crying. .He planned this. I know I have fucked up and tell him so. I march to the pub and grab a beer. I am a terrible person. Today, Reddit, I have fucked up and must continue on with my life as a single man.
PM_ME_YOUR_THONGS: You did something wrong, but why was your boyfriend on Grindr as well?
Sure, you were on Grindr looking at dudes which could be seen as emotionally cheating, but he faked a Grindr profile and was pushy trying to force you to 'meet up' so that he could break up with you.
IMO, you're better off without him.
magicschoolbuscrash: Yeah it's true. It was wrong of him to deceive me. That's just weird and not part of a healthy relationship. I shouldn't have been on Grindr either. So our relationship has died now due to both mistakes.
Herecomesthepuns: Go back on Grindr and get back out there?..
magicschoolbuscrash: Correct
| 5 | 27.2 | |
1399648495 | 1399660440 | t3_254tir | t5_2to41 | 56 | TooOld4Reddit: TIFU by sleeping with my cheating wife (happened years ago)
Wife screws around with my best friend, actually 'falls in love' and makes plans to leave and take my kids with her. Instead, she confesses and I agree to try and make a go of it.
Several months later, it is obviously going nowhere because she misses him. Yes, she was far too honest far too late. When I approach an attorney about divorcing her, I get this: "Since you slept with her, even one time, after she confessed; in the eyes of the law you condoned the affair. You cannot divorce for cause.
I'm not a lawyer, but that was the legal advice I received. Your mileage may vary. If your SO confesses to cheating - my advice is to try and make it work, but use separate bedrooms just in case.
**Edit: This was in 1987, I do not know what the laws were in Virginia then. She was fighting the divorce idea at first, and then told me she deserved alimony if I went through with it. I had to bluff and tell her to accept a divorce on my terms because she would 'lose in court.' Appreciate the advice, though.**
[deleted]: This is idiotic. You don't need cause for divorce other than irreconcilable differences.
dumbscrub: not all states allow for no fault divorces.
[deleted]: The vast majority of states are no-fault divorce states.
Regardless, trying to reconcile with someone and having it not work out does not mean their cause is invalidated. He obviously needs better legal advice.
| 4 | 14 | |
1399652418 | 1399666369 | t3_254zo6 | t5_2to41 | 15 | MaybeAThrowaway3: TIFU by telling my girlfriend's mom that a family friend deserved to die.
This is years ago, admittedly. But I was eating dinner at my then girlfriend's house. In attendance were my girlfriend, her sister, her taciturn mom, and her awesome dad. Somehow the conversation turned towards politics, and being a little shit (and by that I mean a young Republican), I decided to mouth off. They were discussing one of the many Kennedy's personal trials and tribulations.
Enter smart-me. I said "the crazy thing about that family is that there are so many good and able people in that family who've met their demise in ridiculous accidents, while the one who survives and sits in the Senate to this day is the only one who really would deserve it." (My thinking, at the time, was that since Ted Kennedy was responsible for the death of Mary Jo Kopechne, that he had it coming; I have since grown up considerably. But, more importantly, the context for that comment was entirely in my head).
Her mom looks at me and says "Ted Kennedy gave the eulogy for my father. He's a family friend.
My girlfriend left me hanging, likely because she didn't know what to say (would you?!). Finally, her sister says "ok lets not beat up on MaybeAThrowaway3," and her dad changed the subject. I didn't say anything for the rest of the evening.
FutureCop86: religion or politics are never a smart discussion with a SO family. Unless you know that you all have the same beliefs. I opened my mouth about christians being morons at a dinner party once and the quiet, judgmental stares I received from her family were very awkward. I've learned to master the quick topic change technique now.
chocki305: As much as the topic is considered taboo. I enjoy discussing these topics with people. The trick is to not make broad generalizing statements like "all X are morons", or "He deserved it" without knowing intricate details of the background.
I wouldn't dare say "All Christians are idoits." But I would say "I think that Christians who take the Bible as literal historical fact, are idiots."
FutureCop86: I enjoy these as well but my content "filter" is quite flawed. I have the issue of not thinking before speaking especially when it comes to said topics mentioned. You sir seem like the calm/collective thinker!
chocki305: I get myself into trouble from time to time. The biggest key to a good discussion is all parties must understand that religion is a great debate topic, but faith trumps all.
You can't question, prove or disprove faith. It is always the end of the debate. If one person says they have faith in x, the debate is over. And the other side needs to respect that. Which is why politics is a better discussion topic. As long as you all understand that noone can be wrong with their ideas. You can explain how a specific bill or method might not work, but you can't outright dismiss the overall goal. A good example is health care. I think Obamacare is a planned failure, but I don't disagree with the idea of affordable health coverage for all citizens.
FutureCop86: I believe you can argue faith. But it usually involves putting the other person down and making them feel like shit. The faith argument is just their way of putting a hurdle in your way. I believe you can actually win at that point because there are just giving an easy answer to a complex question. Then they usually get mad and raise tones. Oh well.
chocki305: It really depends on how they use faith. If you ask them "What makes you think an all powerful being is watching over all of us?" And they answer "I have faith there is."
You can't prove they don't have faith. Faith is an emotion. You can't argue with how someone feels.
Now, if they do pull out faith in a stupid way (How did he part the red sea? Faith!) you can argue it, but it won't go anywhere. You won't change the mind of someone who uses faith as a reason.
FutureCop86: I don't believe that faith is an emotion. I believe it's just a quick excuse to a question they cant answer. And the word "faith" has been dumb downed so much over the years that to me its irrelevant. I mean all they have to admit is that they are scared of death and what comes after that. I would have more sympathy of argument if they at least admitted that then saying I have "faith".
magnimoth: Well, the problem is that faith by definition needs to be in response to something that can not be empirically proven. That doesn't mean it's "quick" or unfounded. It simply means it is based off of something other than evidence. It's the same as when you just "have a feeling", it's similar to the instinctual fear you get in the dark. It's unfounded, but it's more primal and more guttural than science.
I'll agree 100% that most of what a lot of Christians believe is bullshit - And being a Christian, I should know. I can't stand a lot of devout or fundamental Christians. There are things that we see in the world of science that we can not explain, we only see their consequences and assume that there is a theoretical source that we assume works the way other things of that nature work. This is not, however, always the case.
I belief faith works the same way. We see things we can not explain through reason or science, so we turn to something that we can only assume exists based on what we see happen. Calling the hypothetical "Graviton" particle a "quick answer to a question they can't answer" is to trivialize the work of many, many scientists - Just because we haven't found an answer yet, doesn't mean the answer doesn't exist.
All that being said and done, as long as everyone is respectable, I LOVE talking about religion, especially with agnostics and atheists, because I find the variety of beliefs, experiences, and opinions to be fascinating, and I think their view is just as valid as mine.
FutureCop86: You seem like a rational thinker. Sadly, most people don't. They are quick to jump the gun with answers/opinions. That is why I am judgmental with most responses.
I understand your point of what we can not explain that leads to assumptions. This is human nature. The thing is we only know what we know as humans. We have no other species intelligent data to compare to our own. It's highly possible that some other worldly beings understand these things we have no answers to. So, the answer we find out as humans doesn't mean that answer is correct on the cosmic scale.
My statement about quick excuses for an answer was directed to religious people. That's why i mentioned faith has been dumb downed. It's a word that spider webs to any twist that someone wants to quickly curve ball a conversation.
magnimoth: I agree completely. Trust me, I hate the quick-to-spout nonsense religious fanatics MORE than most athiests, because they are the reason most people here I'm a Christian and assume I'm like that.
FutureCop86: Cheers to free thinking.
| 12 | 1.25 | |
1399656878 | 1399734316 | t3_2556vl | t5_2to41 | 237 | [deleted]: TIFU by laughing inappropriately at a client.
**Update** - I have heard nothing so far from any of my supervisors. I may have gotten away with it. Might be a "today I almost fucked up".
I was onsite with a client (law firm) working on a wireless router issue in a conference room while some higher ups (named partners, board, lawyers, etc) discussed their favorite lunch spots around the city. At one point, one of the female employees mentioned they like a specific chicken place down the street because they have really good dark meat and she said, and I quote, "sometimes i just really have a craving for the dark meat."
I didn't even realized I had chuckled out loud until the room got silent and everyone turned to look at me. There was an extremely awkward 30 second pause until the conversation started up again, and it felt like an hour. I am an adult in a professional setting, these are older adults with 20 years on me, NO ONE ELSE WAS THINKING DICK JOKES. Luckily, I was just finishing up, muttered a "should be working now", and I scampered out as quick as I could. My point of contact said a terse thank you and nothing else on my way out.
This just happened about 10 minutes ago. I've stopped to get lunch on the way back, so I don't know if the client has mentioned anything to my boss yet. But oh my god I wanted to curl up in a ball and die right there on the floor. I'm taking a long lunch today.
sfasu77: Not only sexist but racist too! Nice work dude!
TheRedEarl: How is what he said considered sexist?
sfasu77: Insinuating with his laugh that she likes black dick...sexist. Laughing at the image of her gobbling black dick...racist. Why can't he be happy for her?
flesjewater: /r/tumblrinaction
| 5 | 47.4 | |
1399656717 | 1399661465 | t3_2556m9 | t5_2to41 | 3 | thecharmingfagget: TIFU by drawing dicks in class
So the other day I was in my CSPE class and was preparing for our summer exams the night before.But when I came into school,I was delighted to see that out teacher was absent and that we had a substitute in.We walked around the school for about 10 minutes (we said we had to get a book from our locker) and when we came back,I did just like almost everyone else in my school would do when we had a free class or a substitute,and draw big cocks on a table or a piece of paper.So anyway,I'm sitting there in the class drawing some big,veiny cocks,and yes I take inspiration from seth in superbad.Anyway,once I was done drawing my dicks,I was showing them off to the people sitting around me when the sub suddenly says to me,"Hey,you in the orange hoodie,stop sending notes around the class like an 8 year old girl and come up and put it in the bin now."So anyway I do and the bell rings and as we were about to leave the class,the sub takes the page out of the bin,and just sees this big veny cock with some gasoline and a lighter next to it with the urethra set on fire,she then comes down to me and says,"Hey!The content on this page is highly offensive and everytime I looked down to the row you were in you were doing something disruptive".I was so embarrassed that I quickly ran out of the class and got to my next one as fast as I could
Tldr: I got caught drawing dicks in my class on a piece of paper :(
your_mind_aches: Not sure if troll.
But you shouldn't have been breaking class anyway. Not cool. As for the drawing... well, that is definitely... abnormal.
Lessons learned, I hope?
thecharmingfagget: We weren't breaking class,she just said to us if we wanted to we could get a book and study it and it was the first class in the morning so none of us had anything really and yes that is everywhere in my school dicks everywhere
Edit:its not a troll btw I just wouldn't bother then
your_mind_aches: -5 comment karma...
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1399658593 | 1399757568 | t3_2559me | t5_2to41 | 89 | ohnoohnoohyeah: TIFU by ruining a collector's priceless comic book collection.
This is a throwaway since this story will make me identifiable to co-workers.
I work for one of the larger comic-book publishers, and have for the last six or so years. When I was within my first ninety days, I cost my company thousands of dollars due to extreme ineptitude.
The first incident happened while I was assisting an editor on a new project. An artist had sent us line art on 11 x 17 comic book boards and had shipped them flat. The packaging was really awkward and sealed shut with packing tape. I really, really had to dig with the box cutter to free the art. Predictably, I sliced through twenty-two pages of brand-new, unscanned comic-book art. The company not only had to pay the page rate for the art, but had to buy the pages off that person as well.
The second incident was worse. I was a little further in to my time here, and they wanted to see if I had what it took to manage a project. They put me in charge of handling one of the archive books, which is basically just a reprint of extremely old material. The original film for these comics was either lost or had deteriorated years ago, so we had to borrow someone's extremely rare collection and scan every single page so that we could digitally clean them up and reprint them. My job at that point, was to place post-it notes on the pages that were not to be scanned--ads, back up stories that we didn't have rights to, etc. I did that for hundreds of comics, writing "DO NOT SCAN" on every post-it note with permanent marker. What I didn't know, was that when stacked on top of each other, the paper from these comics was very absorbent, and leached the "DO NOT SCAN" from each post-it note, so we had hundreds of comics with "NACS TON OD" on the opposing page of the note. We had to replace the entire collection. I guess I shouldn't have said the collection was priceless since... well... it had a very definite price. I'm surprised that they kept me on.
BONUS SCREW UP: Before I worked on the publishing side of comics, I worked comic-book retail. In most comic book stores, you have loyal customers who "subscribe" to various comics through a box system. They want Spider-Man, we pull the latest issue and put it in their box. I worked at a store with hundreds of box holders.
One day, I was working the register. When you have a long line, and you've worked retail for as long as I did, your movements become mechanical--scan, total, change, bag, hand to customer. I got so that I didn't need to look at what I was doing to do it properly.
I should have looked.
My boss put his battery bottle Jolt Cola down between me and the bags. I swung my hand toward the bags, the perfect specimen of efficiency, and I hit the can. The can went up, I juggled it a few times, and I should have let it drop, because what I did was, instead of letting it fall harmlessly on the floor, I knocked it, spraying blue foam, into ALL of the boxes. All of them. Every box. Ruining hundreds of paying customers mint-condition comics.
TLDR: I ruin comics.
WebHobo: Comics for me are too hard to read I can't buy all the past issuse so I don't know what the fuck is happening.
ohnoohnoohyeah: I think that's a fair criticism. There are non-superhero comics out there that are self contained so that you can read an entire satisfying story without having to trip over muddled continuity. Locke and Key is very good and also self contained. Stuff like Saga is pretty early into its run, so it's easy to keep up with. But I agree, picking up Superman for example, there has been over 75 years of continuity and reboots and relaunches and easter eggs and fan service and whatever. It's intimidating to jump in, even with the "New 52" relaunch. If you are interested, I'd ask a comic fan. They'll be able to point you in the direction of good, accessible stories.
WebHobo: Thanks for the meaningful response. I'm new to Reddit but THRILLED to be part of such a great community.
WebHobo: Ill be sure to check out those comics and It would be awesome working as a comic book worker.
| 5 | 17.8 | |
1399659943 | 1400104547 | t3_255bun | t5_2to41 | 79 | nolaguy13112: TIFU by asking to F*ck my fiance in ass in front of her parents
So we're headed into my fiance's hometown this weekend where it just so happens to be a pirate festival.
She sends me a text saying "I'm so glad we're able to come in this weekend for the festival! I suggest we talk "pirate" all weekend! Ahoy, Matey!"
Being the horndog I am, I respond
"Ahoy!, When do I get the booty?!"
Only to realize this a group text with her entire family....
Can wait to see them tonight and spend all weekend together!
magnimoth: EDIT: Gold for poop chute? Wow. I feel so cheap and dirty. Thanks mysterious stranger!
They don't have to know it was about anal. You made it sound like you bellowed, "Poop chute this weekend, amirite?" in the middle of dinner.
If anyone mentions it, just laugh and (contritely) say you were talking about "relations". You're engaged, if they get offended at the mere mention of possible romance between the two of you, then you're sunk anyway.
SarcasticTech: I lost my shit at "poop chute".
Oh God. Ive never heard that before.
Shitter_Splitter: Don't most people lose their shit at the poop chute?
Csardonic1: Not in the case of fecal vomiting.
Chickendipper69: I'm going to regret googling this aren't i?
Csardonic1: Not if you're into both scat and vomit.
So yes.
| 7 | 11.285714 | |
1399659546 | 1399787650 | t3_255b6l | t5_2to41 | 7,703 | Bananananana9: TIFU by jacking off under my skylight.
So today I decided to jack off in my bathroom before I took a shower. I lied down on my back on the floor(you should try it) and started fapping away. I hear a thud on the roof about halfway through my session and thought it was no big deal.
**WRONG**
I forgot that my house was getting re-roofed today. So as I am furiously stroking my sausage, looking up at the skylight directly above me, this heavy, sweaty mexican guy looks down at me. We locked eyes for about two seconds before he moved away from the skylight. I jumped up, got dressed, and hid in my room the rest of the day until they left.
Edit: Was not expecting to make the top page. Thank you all for laughing at/with me. For everyone saying "how do you forget your house is being re-roofed?" its my parents house and they mentioned it a weeks or so earlier.
arrialexa: I feel like roofers who work with skylights have seen some shit.
lostkeysblameHofmann: I would get into that field with the dream of seeing a beautiful woman masturbating or perhaps two ladies getting it on. you climb up onto the roof with your tools with a long day of work ahead of you, but thinking in the bottom of your heart that maybe today's the day. You realize this house has a skylight and the car out front was a prius so it could very well be a beautiful woman. You continue with your work but sport a pre-boner as you make your way near the skylight and you look in and there's a 300 pound tub of guts woman sitting on the handicapped chair on the toilet taking a horrific shit and you pull out your cock and slowly stroke it in rhythm with her bowel movements and she looks up and makes eye contact and you stop but she smiles and continues and you finish and enjoy the rest of the day but still fap to that memory.
Daedalus23: what the fuck?
PsychoKittenSalad: I know, right? I almost barfed. I mean, a *Prius*?
Madjawa: The good ole reddit... I mean, in this case I wouldn't even call it a switcheroo. *shudder* Prius....
greensign: I drive a prius :(
Madjawa: There there, it's nothing personal, or even to do with the Prius, I just live in the lovely state of Vermont, where wannabe hippies circlejerk their organic-vegan-gluten free-natural-local lifestyle by plastering bumper stickers all over their parent-bought Priusi and are condescending twats to people not as hip as them. I'm sure you're fine. <3 plus you get better MPG
bidkar159: Hey.... I'm gluten free... :(
Madjawa: If that's it in that whole list I think you're fine. It's more the combination that forms the trendy yuppies I'm ranting about.
bidkar159: Ah ok good. Are bike riders in that list in Vermont?
Madjawa: Some of them are, but not generally no. Pretty much everyone in Burlington bikes around as parking is a shitshow at best.
| 12 | 641.916667 | |
1399655748 | 1399680261 | t3_2554x2 | t5_2to41 | 51 | Iamsparticus1: TIFU by leaving a personal journal about coworkers where one found it.
Two years ago I was going throu a lot and my therapist asked me to start a journal. Turns out a lot of my frustrations had to do with my coworkers.
The journal was accidentally left out and a coworker found it, copied it, and waited two years. Promotions are now about to happen as a lot of people are moving on. I was on the short list.
The coworker is now sending portions of the journal to my other coworkers, and to my boss, who now wants to fire me. I've had to take a job in another city to avoid unemployment! I leave next week!
[deleted]: HR would have a field day with this, not to mention a lawyer.
cumfarts: hr doesn't work for you
[deleted]: Never said they did...
| 4 | 12.75 | |
1399663336 | 1399677464 | t3_255hcp | t5_2to41 | 37 | nerongod: TIFU by being seasick.
I am a 27 years old male who has always suffered from massive seasickness. So much that i'm terrified by traveling with a boat. It's a bit of a problem as I grew up and lived on an Island most of my life and the only reliable transportation was the ferry to the mainland.
I was visiting my family on this island and tried to stay awake all night before my journey back to the mainland so I would definately sleep the whole trip (It's a 3 hour trip with the ferry). I get there very early with my girlfriend and rent a cabin with beds and try to get to sleep before the boat starts sailing. It's not working. The weather is really bad and I start feeling sick right away. I hang on for 15 minutes and realise I have to travel out of the cabin to the toilets on the hall. I run to the toilets and start to puke. As I'm puking I need to take a shit (somekind of seasickness diarrhea) and can't stop it from going out. I take a panic decision and sit on the toilet and the shit comes out immediately. As I'm pooping I start to puke again and it all goes on the floor. I panic, and turn around and as I'm puking in the toilet I shit on the floor as well. After I puke I have around 2-3 minutes were I feel good before I get the seasickness back and I try to clean in this timeframe before every puke. The weather was bad and I was bouncing around in there trying to clean the floor, its a pretty narrow toilet room. When I stand up I see the walls are covered in shit after I had been bouncing and my ass touching the walls when trying to clean. It was like a B comedy movie.
I was stuck in that toilet for a 3 hour trip, my underwear and pants covered in puke and shit. I stood there on my dick hoping my girlfriend would find me when she would wake up when the ride was over.
TL;DR Puked and shit myself on a ferry trip.
notfromhere23: how did you exit the ferry, did you just wait until everybody else had left and then kind of sneak away?
nerongod: My girlfriend found me and brought me pants from the bag I had with me. :)
notfromhere23: She's a keeper
| 4 | 9.25 | |
1399666042 | 1399779507 | t3_255ll0 | t5_2to41 | 18 | idocrazystuff: TIFU by swallowing a spoonful of salt while broadcasting live in front of a bunch of people.
This happened about a week ago, but I figured I should tell the story, after all, it was funny.
So I go to this site where you can broadcast with your webcam and have people come and go as they please. Well, after being live for a while and gathering a small audience, I decided to do something stupid, called the "salt challenge", where the objective is to swallow a spoonful of salt in 60 seconds without any liquids whatsoever.
So after fiddling with it in my hand and stalling I finally took the plunge and swallowed it.
THE WORST IDEA EVER.
After a brief 30 seconds of "Really, that was it?", I proceeded to feel ill and immediately thereafter began to throw up violently. It quickly got worse to the point where I bolted for the sink in the washroom where I threw up like a waterfall, mind you, while the broadcast was STILL LIVE.
So here I am, people in the house, people watching my broadcast, my dog wondering what the hell is going on, while I am desperately puking my guts out.
Now here is where it gets BAD.
As I was puking, I felt a weird sensation, I COULDN'T EFFING BREATHE!
I was gasping for air and panic started to roil throughout my mind. It wasn't going away and I was starting to get light headed. This was going on in between spurts of me throwing up the salt, while being heard live through my broadcast in front of dozens of people. Not to mention the other people living with me.
I began to think, "this was it", and that I needed to go to the hospital. It was that bad.
I finally did it. Crossed the line. Stupid effing me.
However, not all was lost.
Eventually it calmed down enough to where I could half-breathe right again, and I returned to computer, not realizing the broadcast was still live.
I was #1 in my category though.
TLDR; just watch the video
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3e3n0fOu1c
DJFlabberGhastly: ELI5 Why a spoonful of salt kicked your ass so hard? With my Ramen intake, I'm surprised I'm still on Earth after reading that, hahaha.
mrmcmaine: Well those flavor packets are being eaten with 2 servings of bland noodles and is mixed into 2 cups of water.
DJFlabberGhastly: Not when you add as much soy sauce as I do and wait for the water to mostly evaporate.
mrmcmaine: I hope you drink a lot of water throughout the rest Of the day
DJFlabberGhastly: I do, actually, hahaha.
mrmcmaine: I'm glad. Otherwise you'd be dead. Keep it up, for me.
DJFlabberGhastly: You're only saying that cause you're my dad :c
mrmcmaine: I've told you too many times your dad left you and I'm only here to support your mother.
DJFlabberGhastly: Ahhh, my angst!
| 10 | 1.8 | |
1399661618 | 1399677200 | t3_255eiu | t5_2to41 | 27 | [deleted]: Tifu at the dog park
It is gorgeous today, and I decided it was time to shake off the winter doldrums and get my dog to the dog park. While there, I can't help but notice this girl is staring at me. A lot. Like every time I look over she's looking at me or in the process of hurriedly glancing away. I know what's up, I think. I've been around a block or two. I'm a worldly dude. Somebody wants a piece of Andr3wsky's sweet, sweet ass. I *have* been working out. I've been eating clean. I can't say I blame her.
There's not a lot of people there and after a while she saunters over. We are kind of chatting and watching my dog ignore all the other dogs there and just sniff around off leash. I make a few jokes and she laughs. She can't take her eyes off me. To my great shame (sorry, honey) I am loving the attention. I'm human, yanno?
So I'm like, hey, few years of marriage under my belt, but ol' Andrew's still got it. Still got that hotness. That charm. I basically skip back to my car, elated, and help my dog get into the back seat. As I slide into the driver's seat I catch a glimpse of myself in the rear view mirror.
Turns out I have the ***biggest*** booger dangling from my left nostril.
This thing was huge. You could see it from a low orbit. Pretty sure it wasn't a booger at all but some vital organ like a lung or maybe my liver trying to escape my body through my sinus cavity. It resting precariously on my lip like a giant slug sunning itself on a rock. There is essentially no way you don't notice. No way.
So this whole time I'm thinking I'm hot shit cause this girl is staring at me, and it turns out she just couldn't take her eyes off a mucusy booger on my upper lip. She wasn't wincing because the sun was in her eyes. She was cringing because I looked like a toddler. Her brows weren't furrowed trying to think of something witty to say. She was trying to think of a polite way to tell me I desperately needed to blow my nose. Oh god. Ohhhh no.
I can never go back to that dog park.
Tldr: thought a girl was into me, turns out I needed to blow my nose and she thought I was special needs and was watching me to ensure the dogs at the park don't accidentally hurt me.
kurt_go_bang: This is awesome. Pure, unadulterated awesome.
theantiAIRBHG: Oh, I'm pretty sure there was supposed to be some adultery in there somewhere. Except, you know. Boogers.
| 3 | 9 | |
1399661920 | 1399675050 | t3_255f0l | t5_2to41 | 24 | arrialexa: TIFU by accidentally trying to sell weed to my friend's dad.
I fucked up bad guys. So I have a friend who was looking to buy weed somewhere. Now I don't smoke but I have a friend who's a dealer so I told him I'd give his number to the dealer friend. Now the problem is my buyer friend and his dad have the same names, and for some dumb reason I had both their contacts saved under the same name and of course I accidentally gave the dealer the dad's number. Anyway, the dealer texts my friend's dad writing, "Hey *arrialexa's friend*, I'm *arrialexa's other friend*. He told me you were looking to cop some bud." Needless to say, my parents and her parents got a calls pretty quickly. Not a fun day.
hahka: Are you still allowed to have your sweet sixteen?
arrialexa: Yeah I am thank god. My daddy's just buying me Toyota instead of a BMW.
| 3 | 8 | |
1399671004 | 1399678566 | t3_255teq | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by missing the chance to lose my virginity to a really cool girl
This actually happened today. Or rather, the story ends today, and here I am on reddit complaining about it.
Some back story on me: I'm 20 and male, and have almost zero experience with girls. As in--never had sex, never kissed a girl, never held hands, never went on a date. The furthest I've gotten is some playful over-the-clothes groping, and even that only happened for the first time a few months ago. I'm not hideous or have terrible social skills or anything. It has just been the combination of low confidence and being raised in an region and home environment that repeatedly emphasized that sex was bad, sex with women, even if they want it = taking advantage of them, dating and relationships are a distraction and waste of time, etc. 20 might not seem that old, but when almost all of your friends have been in relationships and have had sex, it really messes with your confidence and self-esteem. This was all compounded by the fact that the situation with the first girl I ever fell in love with (same one who I playfully groped) ended somewhat badly, and as a result really fucked me up. Anyway, enough my sob story.
A few months ago, I moved across the country, just to get away from it all (and the whole previous girl situation) while I work on some major projects. The only downside was that I didn't know anybody here, and after a while I missed hanging out with my friends and people my age. By a chance encounter a few weeks ago I met a cute girl from one of the nearby colleges. We were making small talk and I was crashing and burning and thinking about bailing on the conversation when she offhandedly mentioned her interest in TV show I watch. I made a casual remark about it and it turns out we're both huge fans of the show and ended up having a great conversation. We exchanged numbers.
She was pretty flirty in the texts and pics she sent me (all sfwish, but still flirty), and while girls have shown interest in me before this was the first time I was actually confident that a girl liked me. Anyway, we were texting on cinco de mayo and she texted me around 10 PM asking if I wanted to come over and drink tequila with her. I had already committed to making cinco de mayo dinner with my housemates, so I told her I couldn't make it. Three days later (last night) around 9 PM she texted "wanna come over tonight :)" Once again, I couldn't because we had a guest over and I was obligated to be there as host. I texted her that I couldn't make it and suggested we meet up this weekend. She didn't reply and I went to sleep.
This morning I woke up to a text from her saying she had just finished the semester and was leaving for home, which was in another state. Oh, and she's transferring to another college next semester which is several states away. So yeah, I'll probably never see her.
Now I'm pretty naive when it comes to these sorts of things, but the fact that she wanted me to drive over late at night and get drunk with her (meaning i couldn't drive back home and would have to stay the night), combined with the fact that she was leaving so soon, makes her intentions pretty clear. Heck, even if we just held hands or kissed, that would've been a first for me. And who knows, maybe it would've been the start of something bigger. Even though I didn't know she was leaving until today, I still feel like I fucked up by waiting too long to accept her offer to come over. And I'm going back to my hometown next week for a visit where I'll be forced to interact with the other girl, which always results in me feeling like shit. Fuck.
AdrenolineLove: One thing I've learned from having too many experiences like this...
Onto the next one. Don't let that bring your confidence down, a girl legitimately wanted you inside of her. Kudos.
Get out there and keep trying. Confidence is all self made, fake it till you make it bullshit anyways.
"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take" Wayne Gretzky
KIDDizCUDI: "You strike out all the times you don't swing"-The Great Gambino
| 3 | 2 | |
1399666840 | 1399706873 | t3_255mwp | t5_2to41 | 39 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting my sister stay in my room
So this of course isn't from today, but actually QUITE a few years ago when I was ten years old. Didn't really know where to post this, but I figured you guys would enjoy it.
During December when I was ten years old, my older sister, who was 16 or 17, was recovering from nasal surgery and getting her tonsils out. Her bedroom was too cold for her to sleep in while recovering, so she had to stay on a mattress in my room. On the day after Christmas, her boyfriend of several months came over to visit her. You can see where this is going. So I give them some time to talk in my room alone, and go downstairs to play with my new toys. After a while I have to go back up to my room to grab something, and of course, when I opened the door they were having sex... In my bed. Here's where it gets funny: They were both wearing their shirts. The second her boyfriend heard me open the door, he curled up into a ball, rolled to the side, and pulled his shirt over his knees. I immediately ran out of the room and went downstairs into the bathroom. My sister quickly after came to talk to me in the bathroom. My parents weren't home at the time, so my sister begged me not to tell them. I had a very bad anxiety problem as a kid, so I told her I couldn't keep the secret. She brought me back upstairs to talk to her and her boyfriend. We talked for a while and at one point there was a lull in the conversation, so hr boyfriend took it upon himself to say, "I don't know if this is appropriate right now but... you were like a ninja coming up those stairs." He was quite the catch. I ended up telling my parents, she got grounded, I got a new mattress, it was all okay. At the time I was only ten so I was really upset about it, and I still don't ever enter a room without knocking once or twice, but it wasn't until a few years ago that I remembered it and realized how hilarious it was.
TL;DR: Walked in on my sister having sex, her boyfriend pulled the ol' tuck and roll.
balancespec2: .....and that's why I picked a Rogue guys. So anyway, whose doing misdirect on this boss?
*crickets*
Titan_lord: I understand ya bud
| 3 | 13 | |
1399666106 | 1399690554 | t3_255lok | t5_2to41 | 45 | thisismythrowawaytwo: TIFU by accidentally bumping my car into a road rager
Two lanes merging to one, lady comes speeding down the road cut me off and almost drove me off the road just so she could be first. Come up to a light figure I'll get close to piss her off, don't stop in time and bump my car into hers. It did piss her off.
esearcher: My father used to do things like this. We'd call them "on purposes" because it looked like an accident, and walked like an accident, but it certainly wasn't an accident!
Totally_Ok_Guy: Walked like an accident? Were his accidents children with other women?
esearcher: what?
| 4 | 11.25 | |
1399676748 | 1399736455 | t3_2561s9 | t5_2to41 | 14 | nowfml: TIFU by unintentionally insulting my boss.
At the new job I had been working for a few months I thought I was doing well. I showed up early most days, and I tried to give everything I had to do the job well.
There was one part of the job where I was progressing slowly. I was making mistakes a lot, mainly due to heavy anxiety I've been experiencing due to moving to a new city and starting a new job. Being scared of fucking up made me fuck up, and it made my supervisor very frustrated, which made the anxiety worse, which made fucking up even easier.
So the final straw came when I downloaded an "instant rimshot" and "sad trumpet" app for my phone. I used it at lunch with a dumb joke and made some coworkers laugh. They suggested I try it with the boss at the end of the day because he might laugh. So I did.
Before heading out the door I commented on the day, then used the sad trumpet. Nobody laughed and I got some strange looks. I would have used the crickets app there, but it cost money to download. So I accepted that the joke bombed, said good bye and went home.
At the end of today the boss called me into his office and told me he was letting me go. All my mistakes, along with my joke which he took as an insult, did me in. What sucks the most is I really liked my boss and he said he tried to find every reason not to let me go. I let him down big time and I'm very disappointed with myself. Had I not made that joke I'd probably still have a job.
I was just trying to make everyone laugh. But I guess I'm just a moron with no social intelligence.
what_the_flux: No, what was the context of the joke?
nowfml: I was trying to think of something funny to say with the sound, but all I could think of was "Did we have fun today?" then I pressed the button. It was an attempt at self deprecating humor that failed spectacularly.
r3dsleeves: That's really not that big of a screw-up - just a bit unprofessional. Some workplaces would think that's awesome, others it would be inappropriate. Personally, until I've been somewhere for at least a few years and feel really comfortable, I wouldn't do much of anything except work and make small talk.
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1399665166 | 1399900005 | t3_255k88 | t5_2to41 | 26 | Lyken3312: TIFU Taking a crotch full of OC (mace) spray
TIFU: First time poster, long time screw-up. On this occasion I actually f'ed up twice.
Back Story:
This was a while back when I was still in the USMC, stationed at Camp Lejeune, NC. I was nearing the end of my active duty and was asked to work on this training exercise that was on base, for a unit that was getting ready to deploy. I would be ca'dre (sp) which is/are basically the people that setup the exercises and work as referees from time to time if things get intense. During one of the exercises the role players were mock storming a gate, like a makeshift riot, throwing tennis balls and shouting. It was really cool honestly, and the Marines who were doing the training did a great job. Well the role players were informed that they could 'take it up a notch' and fight a bit more, but the Marines would be armed with OC spray, which is basically mace on crack. Those role players who participated would also get OC certified, which actually gives you the right to use it if you decide to become a cop or end up in a field which uses it. A hand full of role players elected to do this, and it got pretty intense; a few broken noses on both sides, but obviously the rioters lost as the spray started flying. Keep in mind that these people that got hit with this spray were about 20 feet away, running and moving so they didn't really take a 'good' shot of this stuff. Well I wanted to participate and was basically, "no balls" dared by my acting sergeant to do it. I had my contacts in at the time and couldn't. So I ran into the bathroom, grabbed my contacts out of my eyes as fast as I could, flushed um' down the drain since I didn't have a case in my cammies, and ran back outside to see that the show was over... ENTER F'UP #1. I run over to one of the 'refs' wearing all black. I say, "Can I still get certified for OC spray??" He grins and says, "Absolutely!" and proceeds to take about 3 steps back from me. He pulls the spray out of his pocket and without warning drowns my face, open eyes and mouth in this ridiculous hot lava. While everyone else who was sprayed was laughing and receiving their certificates I was running around sticking my head under gallons of milk that my sergeant grabbed at the gas station after he saw how bad I got it. It became such an episode that some of the Marines that were doing training came over to see the "proper and potential effects of OC spray when utilized properly." 4 hours late I can finally talk and walk again. Guy in black approach's me and says one final sentence, "Be careful when you shower tonight, take it easy and use baby shampoo to get that shit out of your eyes." Enter f'up #2. What I didn't realize then, and did when I took my shower, is that when he said to be careful, he meant DO NOT LET GRAVITY TAKE THAT OIL BASED SPRAY DOWN TO YOUR CROTCH. 2100 hours, during my shower, I washed my face with baby shampoo and began feeling a slight tingle as the water inched towards my genitals; by 2103 hours I was screaming like a little girl, emptying an entire bottle of Johnsons Baby Shampoo on my genitals, curled up in a fetal position, in the shower, with my wife sitting on the sink laughing her ass off. Thank you man in black.
TLDR; Got sprayed with OC directly in the face, showered later that night and took it straight to the junk.
edit: added TLDR
KIDDizCUDI: Most painful fuck up today
Lyken3312: One of the more painful one's I've experienced.... hands down.
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1399678329 | 1399704132 | t3_25642k | t5_2to41 | 65 | xixaxixo: TIFU by miss-reading a FB post
A friend of mine (who's husband is currently deployed) posted the following on FB today:
"This is the day, out of all the days, that I hate the most. Today marks 5 years and I just miss him. Bare with me."
When I saw her later this evening I wished her a Happy 5th (wedding) Anniversary, saying that I know how much it sucks not having your husband around on the special day. She then looked at me with tears in her eyes, and said that today isn't their anniversary...that today is the day her father passed away.
All I could do was apologize, and wish I could take back the last minute of my life!
majingrim: An honest mistake. I'm sure she's not upset with you at all. It probably just reminded her of her father's passing again, and that's why she teared up.
xixaxixo: I hope that is the case. A few hours later, I still feel horrible about it.
apronapron: Don't, you meant no harm and she knows this.
| 4 | 16.25 | |
1399676984 | 1399698337 | t3_25624j | t5_2to41 | 9 | Totally_Ok_Guy: TIFU By Offering Alcohol To Minors
This might be tame by all y'alls standards, but for me it was pretty bad. A bit of background:
I'm a (young) teacher. I teach High School students and I've had to deal with some stuff. Today, after quite a long day of work, I ventured back home and celebrated with the handyman who was finishing installing the new renovations to the house. We had a beer. It was nice.
Yesterday I had discussed with my father about getting someone to feed the dog over the weekend because we have to go down to my grandmother's place for Mother's Day and I don't exactly want to kennel the poor bubba. So hey, why not ask the neighbors? Point one, they have a pup just like us, and point two, the wife is HOT. Point two doesn't really count but it does.
So I grab a few beers and walk over to ask. The door opens, and who is it? Not the smoking hot wife. Not even the guy. His daughter. Now I haven't met her before but he's told me she is in college, so I take a look and figure, 22, 23 maybe. Without hesitating I ask her to feed the dog and explain who I am, though not in that order.
She agrees and smiles, and I say well let's have a beer to celebrate! You and your friend! Though she was nice about it, she basically told me she wasn't 21, and although it might not seem a big deal, it kinda is in my neighborhood. One, we all know each other. Two, the dad is probably going to realize I was hitting on his fine ass daughter and her fine ass friend, and well, yeah. Three, I'm a teacher and it's just unbecoming.
I know it's tame but, hey it's my first post and IDFUM (I don't fuck up much).
HardShitToAdmit: Sounds like you handled that situation like a totally ok guy.
Totally_Ok_Guy: Aw thanks. I'm happier now because of your comment.
HardShitToAdmit: I'm glad! All the best to you, homie.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1399680223 | 1400064283 | t3_2566on | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by smoking a cigarette
I was smoking in my car and when I finished my cigarette I went to throw it out the window. But alas, the wind blew it right back into my face. It bounced off my eyeball and fell onto the floor somewhere. So I'm going 55 mph and trying to find my still-burning cigarette. When I finally found it it had burned a hole in a receipt I had on the floor.
Rugon: Good thing you got a receipt for that donut.
gmasterrollie: mitch hedberg reference?
[deleted]: Nope, its [this](http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/248ee3/i_was_given_the_ability_to_control_what_gets/).
gmasterrollie: ...
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1399681417 | 1399733426 | t3_25688m | t5_2to41 | 14 | basedreedus: TIFU sending a screenshot to the wrong person...
So I had been talking to this girl for a couple weeks and we had been texting a good amount. We hung out a couple times and I started to really like her. One day, I decided to text her and tell her how I feel and ask her out on a date. I know over text isn't ideal, but we don't go to the same school and I can't drive so it was what had to be done. I had told my friend I was going to text her this and he texted me asking for "proof" that i did it. So, I go and screenshot the text and send the screenshot, thinking I'm sending it to my friend. I look back at my phone and I realized I had sent the screenshot back to the girl, not my friend. Today I really fucked up.
RabidVVombat: Ah, that's not so bad dude. Spin it right and I bet you can make her think it's cute that you like her so much that you're bragging to your friends about asking her out. It's not like you were showing your buddies nudie pics or anything that would violate trust.
basedreedus: very very true, i think i handled the situation well in the end
apronapron: So how'd it go? Are things well now?
basedreedus: yeah there okay now, was really scared at first..
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1399680770 | 1399686416 | t3_2567dc | t5_2to41 | 19 | TsarPerhaps: TIFU By putting Lemon Juice into lemon square mix.
Trying to make Lemon Squares today, I thought I'd improve the filling by putting a capful of Lemon Juice into it. The more sour, the better? It being the first time making it, I thought nothing of it.
So, I cooked it, let it cool, and put it in the freezer. To be, of course, eaten later. A couple hours on, I decided to try it, taste-test my creation. To my horror, it tasted like someone ground up a pencil in it. Metallic, foul-smelling yellow goop. Turns out the Lemon Juice had been expired. *For over a year!*
[deleted]: Were you planning on entertaining Sansa Stark?
TsarPerhaps: Trying to entertain a sweet tooth.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1399682288 | 1399764014 | t3_2569ak | t5_2to41 | 71 | Crazedmonkey05: TIFU by not hiding my lady toys
Friend 1 in the story is quite social and isn't awkward
Friend 2 is quite awkward and doesn't understand what's socially acceptable and what isn't.
So my boyfriend and I decided to host a game of "Cards against humanity" at our place. So we invited quite a few friends. At some point after the game one of his friends (friend 1) sits down at my desk, and pulled opened a drawer. Without thinking I said "Just leave the second drawer alone." So friend 2 runs over there and rips open my second drawer. This is where I keep my lady toy, close to the computer for those fast flicking the bean sessions. So I tried to play it up and said "I just put there to make it awkward you know." So what does f2 do? He picks it up out of the drawer and parades it around the living room. EVERYONE is just like yelling at him to put it back in the drawer. Finally he does. Que the awkward silence, as we all just watched my vibrator be paraded around the room. Why in the hell would he touch it? I mean how does he know if it's clean (it is but still) I am hiding that thing anytime f2 comes over again. I do not want my lady toy displayed publicly again. Especially around my friends, and my bf's friends. That is just beyond awkward.
Towerss: Socially awkward? He sounds more like an idiot. I have a friend just like him who no matter how much social exposure he gets, he does awkward and inappropriate things, but I know for a fact he isn't the brightest person.
Crazedmonkey05: He's not an asshole though. He's pretty nice. He just doesn't seem to understand what is right and wrong
SyntheticGod8: It's not like he killed any of those little animals; he just maimed them a little. He's actually pretty nice. He just doesn't seem to understand what is right and wrong.
But seriously, I hope he realized that he made himself look like an idiot as much as he embarrassed you.
Crazedmonkey05: My mistake was not reacting like I would have if we didn't have a group of friends over. If it was just me, bf,f2 and f1 I would of told him if he wanted to use it, I would tweak his nips for him. But you don't always react how you want when your put on the spot.
snickerpops: Eh, you didn't make any mistakes here -- this was just f2 being an idiot, and if everyone was yelling at him to put it back in the drawer, then they knew it too.
If you're worried about people discovering you are a sexual being, it's understood that people have sex and enjoy sex. It's not like they are 12. (actually even most 12 year olds have 'discovered themselves' and their hormones by then).
I wouldn't worry about it -- they probably have kinkier stuff at home.
Crazedmonkey05: I was worried more about making our guests uncomfortable.
| 7 | 10.142857 |
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