start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1399683274 | 1399716774 | t3_256aiw | t5_2to41 | 10 | PrimaryDoubler: TIFU while trying anal with my gf (she did enjoy it, though)
Let's just say, this ended in a big mess. I'm guessing you can see where this is going.
I'd been trying to convince her for a while, and she finally wanted to. Now my c**k is a little on the thick side, so it was gonna be a challenge for her. We lubed it up and that shit just rocketed in. SHE LOVED IT!
However, my bed sheets are now completely ruined. Feel free to guess what happened..
PrimaryPrimer: Let me guess..
PrimaryPrimer: the dildo you had in her mouth caused her to choke, and she puked everywhere
PrimaryPrimer: Been there, bro
OnyxEcho: What the...I'm just going to go with it.
PrimaryPrimer: I went with it, but damn, this girl is a freak.
| 6 | 1.666667 | |
1399686024 | 1399709405 | t3_256dzt | t5_2to41 | 89 | osazuwa: TIFU physics genius-moment results in blood and nudity.
Got a flight tomorrow. When I fly I take carry on only, which means I need to little bottles for liquid toiletries. Just got out of the shower, ass naked, with a mind to get the last of the shampoo in my giant shampoo bottle to go into this little 3 ounce travel container I have. But the stuff is coming out slower that ketchup. So I get this brilliant idea. I spin around in place, relying on centrifugal momentum to pull the shampoo out of the bottle and into the small container. I even created this giant noodle of shampoo connecting the two bottles -- brilliant. When it is all out I stop, and before I can pat myself on the back, the world goes all wobbly. In my dizziness I topple over. On the way down I smash the travel container between my face and the bathroom door frame, bounce back, and slip on the wet floor. My wife comes out of the living room after hearing the bangs and my grunts of pain. She finds me naked on the floor, and the floor, door frame, and my face covered in shampoo, broken plastic shards, and blood. And I'm part sobbing, part laughing a dazed laughter at my own folly through a busted lip.
[deleted]: [At least you didn't land on the bottle.](http://crazy-frankenstein.com/pictures-files/funny-x-ray-pictures_files/coca-cola-x-ray.jpg)
lxpeery: Now *that* was a risky click. Fortunately, it's just a redirect loop.
eiriklf: From the URL I'm guessing this was the picture it was meant to show:
http://s312.photobucket.com/user/laprietitalinda/media/coca-cola-x-ray.jpg.html
| 4 | 22.25 | |
1399694617 | 1399726786 | t3_256oml | t5_2to41 | 39 | TakenNotStirred: TIFU by failing to ever go to class
So I'm sitting here not even bothering to check my grades because I know without a doubt I failed each and every fucking class because I decided, instead, to let my depression overtake me and keep from ever leaving the house. I look back at it as a stupid decision, and I guess it's not all that funny, but getting it off my chest by admitting it was a total fuck up is a start.
ModernSinner: Glad you recognize the problem. What approach are you taking to the solution?
TakenNotStirred: No idea. Not sure if I'll be kicked out or not, and if not I suppose I'll be on academic probation for some time. Get over it over the summer and try to make better of myself, if that's possible. No idea how hard it will hurt my GPA.
een_coli: As someone who did this two years in a row for the same reasons, I urge you to do what I didn't have the guts to do and seek help. My biggest regret in life was not sorting myself out sooner and realising what an amazing opportunity I was throwing away.
Your life will be unbelievably improved once you can sit down with a professional who understands what you're going through and can help you find a way to deal with it on a day to day basis.
If you have the chance to give it a second shot, don't hesitate to take it.
Rooting for ya
| 4 | 9.75 | |
1399693022 | 1399696951 | t3_256mos | t5_2to41 | 8 | Eddie07: TIFU I forgot the "o" in "hello"
Here it goes, it's kind of silly and funny, whatever anyways. Yesterday I sent an email to my teacher from the school system website and today I sent her another email regarding my grade. Just a minute ago I checked my personal Gmail account and saw the email copy of confirmation that I sent. Oh I forgot to mention that I'm a senior and school ended this week, grades are closing pretty soon. Here it is
"Hell Ms.******, I was wondering if you got my email from yesterday. Also, I saw the newly updated grades and I have an 89.4 in your class, basically 0.01 from an A. In yesterdays email I was just notifying you that I turned in the Frankenstein Vocab 2 sentences a couple of weeks ago. Please consider the genuine efforts that I made. Thank you in advance."
Bonkeryonker: How do you go on reddit when you censor the word Hell?
Eddie07: Are you blind? I censored the teacher's name.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1399694693 | 1399708345 | t3_256opu | t5_2to41 | 28 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving Skype open.
So I'll have to start this with a confession. I'm a furry. A damn horny one. And kinky. One thing I like to do is have erotic roleplays online with other furries.
I was having a rather sexy conversation with a good buddy of mine on Skype while working on some other things. I heard a knock on the door of my dorm, which was a friend that I was expecting over at some point, I just didn't know when. As is my typical safety measure, I opened up Skype real quick to set it to Do Not Disturb, that way I won't have any embarrassing notifications pop up in the corner of my screen.
I open up the door and let her in. She starts to idly look around my room as she usually does while I was distracted with something else. I turn around and see her staring at my laptop screen. Then I realized I left my Skype window open. Fuck. She had read all of the conversation that was visible, which included many mentions of snuggling into fur, stripping nude, and rubbing cocks together.
She took it well and laughed about it a bit. Fortunately today was the last day of the semester and I won't see her again until the fall, when she'll have hopefully forgotten about it. What has me really relieved was that the conversation wasn't scrolled up just a bit, where she would have seen that it was an incest scene between two brothers.
TL;DR: I accidentally let a friend see my kinky furry gay incestuous roleplay conversation on Skype.
Floyd_Pink: What is a furry?
Stitchikins: Googl.. NO DON'T GOOGLE IT!
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1399695205 | 1399753633 | t3_256pcp | t5_2to41 | 51 | Browngrocerybag: TIFU giving change to a customer
I work at a liquor store in the middle of the largest ghetto of town. Many of our customers are pan handlers, in gangs, etc. I take the bus to work every day since I do not have a car, and I'm also a college student. Today, a large black man was buying a bottle and I was out of singles. I asked him if he minded taking four quarters for change instead, and trying to be nice I looked him in the eyes, smiled and said "You could use this as change for the bus!"
Then I realized what I fucking said. Before I could back track he gave me an ice cold stare and said "I have a car." He then stared me down while I was thinking of not fucking up my next sentence. He was a solid 6 ft 5 over my 5 ft 8. I offered him the change again and he told me to keep it. He slowly turned away and walked to his car.
That's how I looked like a racist a-hole today.
PaulMcgranite: Honestly that guy is just an asshole.
r3dsleeves: You're looking for problems if you take offense to someone thinking you might use the bus. Maybe OP uses the bus as well and just assumed other people are like him/her. Who knows.
commentstohimself: Doesn't OP's post say he/she uses the bus? Or are you saying thats what the customer thought process should have been?
| 4 | 12.75 | |
1399694998 | 1399735917 | t3_256p4c | t5_2to41 | 18 | InfernalBacon: TIFU by ruining a friendship pissing myself laughing in 4th grade
In 4th grade,i had a friend that was the class clown,and he was goddamn hilarious.He would often make jokes that my young,stupid ass would DIE laughing at.So one day,at the lunch table,he was on a roll.I'm talking like,one joke after another.Constant,infinite,UNENDING,and I couldn't breath.Then my crotch started to get warm,and I immediately stopped laughing and looked him in the eyes.
"I just peed"
He laughed thinking that I wasn't being serious,and then he looked under the table.Also,the ENTIRE class was seated at this one table.Once everyone realized that my dam had burst,everyone started laughing at me. Embarrassed,I proceeded to take the walk of shame up to the office to call my parents for a change of clothes.Me and that friend have never spoken since,and six years later,its still a topic that gets brought up on occasion.
donaldtrumpwinning: a real friend would have pissed his pants with you
XPVids: and then traded pants with you
| 3 | 6 | |
1399691219 | 1399735967 | t3_256kjk | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU by riding a mechanical bull
TIFU...This is more of a last weekend fuck up, but it's still a fuck up and boy am I paying for it.
Just so ya know, I am of the female gender.
So, I volunteer at a ranch, and it's the ranch owner's daughter's eighteenth birthday party. Parents are out of town, so the boyfriend comes and stays the night so we can cut out having to drive all the way to his house and then out to the party.
At first, I had just planned on getting her a gift card and calling it a day. Never intended to go to the party.
Then the words, "There's gonna be a mechanical bull," graced themselves upon my ears. Now, mechanical bulls can be a lot of fun with somebody who pays attention to the controls. They buck you off and spin you around, making you dizzy and you fall off. I watched my boyfriend ride this bull, and then I went. It was fun, I fell off shortly afterwards. All was well. I scampered off to enjoy the other activities before returning to ride the mechanical bull again. And again. And again.
I knew I should have avoided it after the new eighteen year old chipped our friend's front tooth. After I went into the handle and hit my inner thigh. But no, I had to go again. Just this one last time.
Oh, my dears. My poor, poor ignorant dears, I can only hope you stay ignorant to this level of pain. There was a metal handle on the front of this bull, which the adults had been polite enough to wrap some foam and duct tape around. The foam didn't really help though, in the end.
I was on this bull, spinning around and hanging on for dear life, when this bull did a sudden buck that I wasn't expecting. It wasn't a strong enough buck to send me flying head over heels over the front of the bull, however it was a strong enough buck to send my nether regions into that beautiful, lovely, foam covered metal handle. Yes, boys, it hurts when ladies get hit in their nether regions too.
I curled up in that ever so graceful way a lady has, while my boyfriend bent over me with a worried face. I uttered the words, "Handle... Cooch..." And he instantly scooped me up and carried me away from the spawn of Satan's hell ride.
It took me about thirty minutes to be okay again, but I managed to get up and hobble around and enjoy the rest of my night. I thought that I would suffer for a little while and be alright. I developed a lovely bruise on my inner thigh.
But then, the burning pain when I used the bathroom started. And this morning the blood came with it.
My mother is scheduling me a doctor's appointment for me here in the next week. I will come back with results.
**TL;DR:** Don't take a mechanical bull to the crotch, ladies.
_Max_e_Pad_: If your pissing blood you should go and see a doctor right away.
ThatOneFace: > My mother is scheduling me a doctor's appointment...
Don't know how to make it anymore clear, bro.
esearcher: > My mother is scheduling me a doctor's appointment for me here **in the next week**.
If you've got pain in the lady parts, and burning and bleeding when you urinate, I don't think "In the next week" is a good option. What about urgent care or the emergency room?
ThatOneFace: Lack of good insurance and money whereas taking me to my primary care doctor will be covered.
[deleted]: MURICA
| 6 | 3.666667 | |
1399698733 | 1399751228 | t3_256ssn | t5_2to41 | 97 | mikecamn: TIFU by jerking off into a cup
This was yesterday but still....Okay so I am a horny 17 year old male and I did what every horny 17 year old male does: Masturbate. It was about 2:30AM no one in the house is up and I am in the basement. I think 'Hey, i kinda want to jerk off right now.' so down go my pants and on goes the porn. So im going at it and eventually feel my orgasm about to cum (Hehe). Looking around I dont see a napkin or towel but I do see a paper cup sitting on the table (not very big) so I grab that, aim and shoot.
Heres where I fucked up.
I should of thrown that cup away as soon as I finished but stupid me. I dont.
Fast forward like maybe an hour and I get thirsty so I go to the fridge to grab some juice. Bring it down to the basement and set it on the table. 'Shit I forgot to grab a cup. Oh wait theres one right here'. So me being my forgetful self pours juice into the cup filled with my cum. I honestly did not think anything of it. So i go for a sip (which was more of a gulp because of the small cup) it took about 3 seconds and after I after swallowed most it that i realized that my own fucking cum was in there. Immediately I spit out whatever was left in my mouth and ran to the sink where I tried to make myself throw-up. It worked sorta. It was the grossest moment of my life.
P.S I dont recommend apple juice mixed mixed w/cum
New_Insect_Overlords: Did you have a slice of cream pie afterward?
JonasBrosSuck: or a piece of marble cake
n-f-chambers: Maybe some Greek yogurt?
Johnny_Walker_Red: Cottage cheese, mmm.
| 5 | 19.4 | |
1399701118 | 1399750952 | t3_256uxk | t5_2to41 | 258 | jakem125: TIFU by skinny dipping to wake up, like any other morning
I live in a hot climate in a house with a private pool in the back yard. I have a hard time waking up some times, and I have discovered that stumbling out half awake and jumping into the pool will wake me up in a hurry. Sometimes I am enjoying myself and spend half an hour swimming before getting out and taking a shower. I have never seen the point of wearing a swim suit since I only live with my wife, and I jump into the shower right after.
This was one such occasion and my wife came out to say goodbye as she was leaving for work. After she left, I spent 5 more minutes swimming before getting out and realizing I don't have a towel. Oh well it happens. I tried going into the house and realized that my wife had accidentally locked the patio door upon her return into the house.
I started panicking and banging on the door before I allowed myself to concede that she had actually left for the day. I didn't have a phone or anything to wear.
I could only think of two options. Jump a 5 foot cinder block wall wall and go to the neighbor's house and ask for them to call my wife to come back ALL WHILE FUCKING NAKED, or break into my house somehow.
As you can guess, I was willing to break a window to avoid the alternative, and spent an hour and a half attempting to force windows open before I arrived at this eventuality. Luckily I was finally able to force a window open without breaking it with some improvised tools. I got inside and then called my wife to tell her about how bad she fucked me.
TL;DR - Wife locked me in the back yard naked by mistake and left for work.
PlanetBloopy: Get a plant with giant leaves. Then if it happens again, you can make some emergency shorts.
Supajin: Or just have a spare bag outside with some clothes?
bamahoon: Or a spare key maybe?
Nesmohten: Thats cheating.
Supajin: Yeah and if someone jumped the fence and found the key they could easily sneak in, well I suppose they could steal the clothes too
| 6 | 43 | |
1399705361 | 1399782516 | t3_256yi5 | t5_2to41 | 44 | someuniquename: TIFU by telling a kid his dreams won't come true.
This happened when I was about 17 so a few years ago.
It's November 5th. My friends and I are all sitting around a bon fire burning a scarecrow and they are drinking. At this point, I've been sober for 3 months but decide well I can drink a little.
I take 2 double shots of Kraken and smoke a blunt with a friend and I'm feeling good. I keep smoking and discover an unopened bottle of pear flavored Absolut. I ask all my friends who's it is and they say i can take it.(none of my friends drink vodka)
In my very stoned state I start opening the bottle and proceed to slam it as fast as possible. Once half the bottle is gone I realized what a mistake I have made.
Not even 10 minutes after I am just shitfaced. I'm walking around telling everyone I love them and just being a fun drunk. Then I go and sit right next to the fire. My friend realized how drunk I am and takes out my phone and calls up my dad to get me. Before my dad arrives, I decide to take a few more swigs of the vodka and smoke a bit more while sitting as close to the fire as possible.
And a few minutes later I hear my dad's truck pull up. I start running like a little kid just to see my dad.
I see someone else in his truck who happens to be his new girlfriend. I get in the back to see a little black kid and get even more excited. I'm about to teach this kid everything I know.
I start introducing myself and she thinks I am funny at first and the kid is laughing. My dad wants me to shut up because I'm just being an idiot at this point.
This kid starts telling me all his dreams and how he wants to be a basketball star. That's when I turn to him and with a straight face I say "kid, don't follow your dreams. They never come true for Kids as ugly as you." It's like every thing stopped and I could feel my dad glaring at me.
His mom starts flipping out, my dad is yelling at me and this little kid is crying. I just kinda faked passing out so I didn't have to hear it.
And that is how I ruined my dad's relationship.
TL;DR: told a little kid to stop following his dreams because he was ugly and ruined my dad's relationship.
Zerothaught: I like how your defense mechanism for an argument is the same as if a bear attacks you.
someuniquename: From my experience with this defensive strategy, it is 100% successful.
| 3 | 14.666667 | |
1399707956 | 1399766048 | t3_2570dw | t5_2to41 | 141 | [deleted]: TIFU: I was caught masturbating at work [38f]
So, just as the title says. I work all alone in a hotel overnight. Normally I don't see anyone. EVER. Sometimes I will sneak into the hotel hot tub to use the jets. I know this is a really BAD idea. But, I can't seem to help it. I get really bored at night just watching TV and browsin Reddit. Well, I was in there tonight when my boss chose to show up to bring newspapers. This is the first time he has ever done that to my knowledge. Anyway, he is [34m] and walked into the pool room while I was mid-orgasm. He just stood there shocked. Then walked out without saying a word. When I came out he was behind the desk smiling like an idiot. I am sure I was red faced as I was mortified. He just said not to do it again and that he would let it go this time. I seriously feel like I could die. I don't know that I can ever face him again. Maybe I need to quit.
[deleted]: I guess I have a different perspective, having spent 10 years in the army. We (males and females) often pooped and peed together, showered together, had sex with each other or in the same room with others, or masturbated on our cots at night. It was weird to get used to, at first, but it became normal. It is possible to share very personal experiences and still operate in a professional manner most of the time. It brings you closer together, if you let it. In time, hopefully, you'll have a sense of humor about this.
buffalo_Fart: communal shower? what countries military?
ChiefBigGay: Signing up?
buffalo_Fart: nah, my body is shot from being an asshole to myself growing up. plus im 40
| 5 | 28.2 | |
1399710418 | 1399843710 | t3_25722u | t5_2to41 | 10 | worldsworstson: TIFU by single-handedly destroying my mother's possibly only chance at happiness.
My mother has been looking for the right guy to possibly marry to give me and my sister a father figure. She's tried dating for a while, but nothing ever got serious. She found a guy. He is Egyptian and Muslim. After a month or so, my mother decides to convert to Islam and marry him. I don't mind. He's a pretty good guy. I've never seen my mom so happy. All's going well for another month or so then I get the news that we're moving. I, being the dramatic teenager not wanting to leave my friends, got worked up about it and had an argument with my mother in the car. She tells me to get out of the car and to walk home. I did, she went to work. She gets home at around 6:00 pm, but sometimes she goes to see her husband. So it's around 8:00 pm, no big deal sometimes she stays over at her husband's apartment for the night. I few minutes later I get a text to go the the movies with my cousins, so I did. I come back around 12:00 am and my mother's car is in the driveway. I walked in expecting to get a grounding, but instead my mother tells me she is leaving her new husband and that he is going to go back to Egypt because I refuse to move houses. I was in disbelief. It was clear they loved each other very much, and I just ruined it. I kept repeating the words "Oh my God..." over and over and now I feel like a total ass hole.
**TL:DR** I refused to move so my mother left her husband
Lazaek: > He is Egyptian and Muslim. After a month or so, my mother decides to convert to Islam and marry him.
This seems like a big red flag at first glance. Loving someone shouldn't require converting to their religion.
[deleted]: This is a bigoted post that betrays your ignorance of Islam. Please read up a bit on a religion before commenting on it.
Lazaek: This has nothing to do with any specific religion. If you want to speak to me as if I'm talking from ignorance, please put in the effort to avoid being legitimately guilty of what you're accusing me of yourself.
[deleted]: Do you really not know that Islam forbids intermarriage with non-Muslims, or are you trolling?
Lazaek: Do you really not know how completely ignorant that entire concept is, or are you trolling?
[deleted]: That's pure bigotry. Islam has a right to be what it is.
Lazaek: There's certainly a bigot between the two of us, it just isn't me.
Every religion has a right to be what it is -unless your in love with someone following Islam, because then you can't be with the person you love until you give up your own religion.
Clearly you think this is OK, and that those who disagree are 'bigots' -but you shouldn't. Your viewpoint is incredibly ignorant.
When your religion outlines the circumstances behind who you can and can't love, I suggest you think long and hard about what your religion really represents.
[deleted]: Your problem isn't with me. Your problem is with the fundamental ideas of Islam. I'm not surprised. Most of the people in this world cannot accept the teachings of the Prophet Mohammad (Peace be upon him!). You have a system of beliefs and values that oppose Islam. That is why you hate it as you do.
Lazaek: I am an Atheist, and I contend that you are as well. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours.
[deleted]: I am agnostic, but I respect other people's beliefs because I'm not an asshole.
| 11 | 0.909091 | |
1399713878 | 1399878270 | t3_2574bw | t5_2to41 | 10 | Noonecanfindmenow: TIFU by being a complete asshole driver
Not really today, but a few days ago. I was driving to my girlfriend's when this car infront of me is holding everyone up by going 10km/h under the posted speed limit. I switch lanes to pass and see that it's an old woman with a hujab who looked like she was texting on her phone.
I was furious. Okay, so she's old and her headscarf is obscuring her vision (which is fair enough, since she can't really change much) but she's holding up traffic because she was texting!?!?!?
At this point, I sped up to go infront of her car, and forced her to tailgate by going even slower than she did, while sticking my middle finger. After about 5 seconds, I resume normal speed.
I drove away and I looked back in the mirror, and found this poor lady going only about 20-30km/h for the entire length that I saw her in the mirror.
Looking back, that was just so fucking stupid, reckless, and shitty thing for me to do. She could've been navigating for GPS, or being super cautious by constantly looking down on her speedometer.
ViolentThespian: If you don't want to feel bad about being an asshole, then do it when people can reach you.
Noonecanfindmenow: what... ?
CaptainWobbles: It's easy to sit behind a keyboard or a wheel, but try being an asshole within swinging distance.
Noonecanfindmenow: but if I'm being an asshole, neither beating the guy up nor getting beat up is going to make me not feel bad about being a douchebag...
CaptainWobbles: /u/violentthespian was just pointing out that next time, for whatever reason, you feel the need to rage at someone, think about if you would do it to the face of a guy bigger than you. Instead of cursing out am old lady.
TLDR don't be a douchebag then you won't have to feel bad
| 6 | 1.666667 | |
1399722019 | 1399744247 | t3_2579dc | t5_2to41 | 35 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking too much Gaviscon [poss NSFW]
Not today but upon a time I was a heavy drinker, suffering chronic acid reflux. I was planning on seeing a boy I was interested in one evening where my heartburn was particularly bad. Throughout the day I drank nearly a full bottle of Gaviscon and a few chewable tablets. Felt amazing to not be in so much discomfort. Later, proceeded to get ready with a friend who informed me of her interest in said boy. I had already "hooked up" with him and there was no way I was letting her snag him. Get to the club, have many drinks, he turns up and she gets close to him straight away. In my drunken logic I know I need to get out of here with him asap. So I convince him to come for a smoke, we talk and flirt. I am never forward with boys, even with ones I know that are interested in me. So to my surprise even, I suggest we get a taxi to his. Don't really remember much from here, other than rolling in his bed naked but then out of nowhere we seem to stop. I assume he doesn't want to fuck me, try making conversation, unsuccessfully. Fall asleep.
I wake up around 5:30 in a sweat, not feeling right. I get out of bed, it's still dark, I try to find my clothes to leave but I don't want to put the light on. I give up and go back to bed and sleep. About an hour later I wake up to a warm texture on my back and a horrific smell.
I leap out of bed to discover more or less projectile diarrhoea.
I scream for him to get up, mortified, I change the sheets as quick as poss, I run to the bathroom to clean myself up and then contemplate the quickest ways to end my suffering that day.
TLDR; took too much acid reflux medicine, went back with guy interested in, shit his bed
the_dinks: Claim your territory
JemsMckinley: Mark your man
| 3 | 11.666667 | |
1399727105 | 1399812378 | t3_257dgs | t5_2to41 | 39 | AiRoar: Tifu by rear-ending someone and potentially ruining Mother's Day
My life has been hanging by a thread. My girlfriend lives an hour out of town. I owe my mom money for helping me with my car insurance and, to top it off, I haven't been coming home like she has asked for almost a month. I've been driving for five years and this is my fifth accident. I'm too old for this kind of shit to continue happening and what's worse is that this was genuinely my fault. By some grace of mercy, the lady agreed to not call her insurance if I agreed to pay the estimation that she'll get Monday. I don't have that kind of money. I work full-time and as a full-time student, but if she won't agree to letting me pay for it over time I'm sure she'll go directly to her insurance and thus I'll be dropped. I'm also leaking anti-freeze from my car after the collision. If I tell my family I'm not sure what the reaction will be. It could be as bad to getting kicked out or to as good as my mother giving me one last chance and taking care of it and letting me pay her back while I work and remain on lock-down until further notice. Regardless, I can see her taking the car away. I lose that car and I lose my job, I won't be able to go to school, or see my girlfriend. I feel childish and so stupid..
Edit: What had happened was that I got a call during traffic. Reached for my phone and dropped it. I have a terrible habit of thinking I'm completely stopped before I actually am and I'm sure you can do the math from there. The resounding message I am getting is to take up reinforcement lessons in my driving or do something that enables me to learn a lesson (I.E. not have a car and finding out how hard it is without the luxury) I understand where this notion is coming from. So far I haven't ruined Mother's Day. I paid for a tow to a mechanic who said they'd fix it up by the end of Monday. The mechanic is a good guy and said he could have me running with after-market parts for a very fair price. For some reason I decided instead of calling my mother I would try my father whom with all purpose understood. He doesn't want me saying anything until I get an estimate on all the damage. I can see this really sticking with me through the Summer, but if I can continue to work then there's a very bright light waiting for me at the end of this Summer. I just want to thank you all. You're all a very real bunch. Without the comments I probably would've tried covering it up with what pathetic savings I have and just make everything worse.
t0st0: Just sit down by your mom and bury your head in your hands and say, "mom, i messed up" with a big *SIGH*. She is going to say, "what happened??" with an overly concerned tone. Say, "I'm sorry, I feel so stupid" at that time she is going to press hard for you to spill the beans. At this point she probably has 10,000 things going on in her mind that are 10x worse than what actually happened. Then tell her that you accidentally hit someone and that you are screwed and sorry. She'll then ask you for details, and thats when you let her know the lady agreed not to call her insurance agency. I think that should work..good luck dude. I went 100mph airborne through a fence into a backyard and totaled my new bmw. I thought i was never going to pull through but here I am 2 years later doing great. You'll be fine, its just a bump in the road and in no time this will alll be behind you.
[deleted]: You had the money to buy a brand new BMW that can do 100mph. Not surprising that you've "pulled through" and are "doing great" 2 years later.
t0st0: It was new for me but used. Most cars can do 100mph...I went to jail, lost my car because I didn't have full coverage, suspended license, no job, nothing. You know nothing about the car I drove, for all you know it could be an 80's bmw that was only worth a couple grand. Get your head out of your ass..
[deleted]: Cockadoodlefuckingdo !
t0st0: damn right cockadoodlefuckingdo
RecklessBacon: /u/t0st0, this corner. /u/Emeraldstarlight, that corner. Now neither of you leave until you learn how to get along with each other.
t0st0: /u/Emeraldstarlight I'll fuck you up bro
[deleted]: I will tear you limb from limb and use the holes on your torso as fleshlights while you writhe in pain
| 9 | 4.333333 | |
1399726822 | 1399994339 | t3_257d7y | t5_2to41 | 8 | spitefulAC1: TIFU by bricking both my primary AND secondary phones
For reference - my primary phone is an Xperia Ion (LT28at) - lovked to AT&T and my secondary is a Samsung Captivate, also on AT&T
SO on Thursday, my Ion's battery died b/c i forgot to plug it into a charger. NBD, i plug it and and accidentally held the VOL UP button, which hard resets the phone....this was done while in the "kernal charging" state, and needless to say, I bricked the damn thing. FUCK
Pop the SIM out and throw it into my backup. Good all day Friday. Friday night comes and the battery dies. No biggie, plug into wall charger. Come back an hour or so later and now its bootlooping. FUCK FUCK FUCK
It's late and I don't feel like dealing so I go to bed
Sat morning..."I'm gonna fix these issues!"
Start with captivate, since it'll be the easiest. It CAN get into CWM, so I try to re-flash a new ROM. Doesn't take. Try 3 more ROMs. Nothing takes. FUCK.
Last ditch, go into download mode and try ODIN to get to stock. Phone ends up bootlooping. DOUBLE FUCK
So now I need to get a USB jig from Amazon to get into download mode, since I seem to have lost mine. That wont be here till Monday.
HollowPointBullet: It's only a soft brick. Did you try flashing the stock ROM?
spitefulAC1: Yeah, I tried an Odin One-Click to go back to stock.
Phone gets into Android Recovery and flashes the line "Could not mount E:/data" and proceeds to bootloop
I think my Captivate's internal SD is shot :(
HollowPointBullet: Are you able to stick it into another phone or computer to see if it really is dead?
spitefulAC1: The EXTERNAL sd is perfectly fine (tried a 1gb, 4gb and 16gb in other devices and they are all ok)
It's the INTERNAL sd (phone memory) that I believe is shot
HollowPointBullet: I think there's a way to fix it. I believe I had the same problem. There should be a subreddit (/r/Android) that should be able to help you, or try XDA Developers.
| 6 | 1.333333 | |
1399729091 | 1399729999 | t3_257fex | t5_2to41 | 2 | RemyDandy: TIFU by nutting on my professor's skirt.
I had excused myself from the class I was in because I had gotten myself riled up watching this long legged chick who sits infront of me. She has this habit of dangling her shoes on her feet and, well, I have a thing for feet; I was in the bathroom beating my meat and I must've been kind of loud -- or sounded like I was in some sort of pain -- because my English lit teacher (who I think was on her way to the caf) came running in to see what the "problem" was. Startled, I turned around mid-orgasm splattering my sperm all over her skirt. I apologized profusely and she kept saying it was okay and not to worry about it, but her face was red in embarrassment. She's about 52 years old and has like three kids. I feel terrible. I'm thinking about dropping the class.
stevefigjam: This didn't happen did it, Remy.
RemyDandy: I wish it didn't Steve, I wish it didn't.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1399732842 | 1399746145 | t3_257jhj | t5_2to41 | 9 | L96: TIFU my driving theory test
I don't know if you have this in the states, but in the UK you have to pass a written paper on the rules of the road before you take your actual driving test.
So I booked mine online, paid the £31 fee (!) and made my way to the testing centre, which is in a neighbouring town about 30 miles away. I was really confident I'd pass since I'd done more revision than everyone else I knew, who all passed first time. I was even going through the Highway Code (rule book) on the train.
Anyway, I got to the centre, showed them my driving license and asked where to go next. He asked me where the counterpart was. This is a paper form with extra information on it that isn't on your photocard, because despite issuing cards with biometric chips and all the bells and whistles, it's apparently completely beyond them to store information about you on a database. It's all done on paper.
Of course being me I didn't have my counterpart, so he told me there was no way I could take the test without it, so I had to sheepishly get out of there. I forfeited my £31 as well as my £5.70 train fare, and I can't re-take it until my next payday.
ChocolateRay422: Hold the shit on, it costs 50 bucks to take a drivers test??
It's free the first time and $15 each subsequent time in Cali.
Glad to hear DMVs suck universally though.
asks_simple_question: It's 60€ in Germany. Well, it's still cheap compared to the whole driver's license, which ranges between 1000-2000€.
AutoBiological: Yeah but you can drive tractors.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1399731306 | 1399754522 | t3_257hpi | t5_2to41 | 587 | TheBanterKing: TIFU by running in the rain
So today it started raining really hard while I was driving. When I finally got home, I parked the car and sat for a few minutes to see if it would die down. When it finally did, I quickly got of the car and started running towards my house. There are a few short steps to get up to my front door, and on the first one I slipped and fell completely on my side. My right hand fell into 6 glass flower pots slicing parts of my hand and arm open. I was rushed to the hospital where my right thumb received 14 stitches. I had a few other bad punctures on my arm and hand, but my thumb was the only thing that needed stitches. Doctors said that I was very lucky because the glass came close to cutting one of my nerves, which would result in my losing feeling in my hand and needing surgery.
Lesson Learned: DO NOT RUN IN THE RAIN
TL;DR I was running in the rain which resulted in having to get 14 stitches in my thumb.
EDIT: Here's a pic of the stitches for those of you asking. [NSFW](http://i.imgur.com/wUqJp06.jpg)
AltNixon: * I guess you could say he...
* (•_•)
* ( •_•)>⌐■-■
* (⌐■_■)
* Wasn't clearly seeing the obstacles in his way.
* Ok, that was terrible but had to be done.
Larspawn: I can't see cleeearly now, the rain's not gone
Nattylight_Murica: I can't see anything now my eyes are gone
StinginPlatypus: MY EYES! MY EYES!
yoberg225: My leg!
peeniewiener: And my axe!
| 7 | 83.857143 | |
1399733727 | 1405823409 | t3_257kie | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: TIFU when I was underage drinking
I was drinking with my friends last night, most of us are under 21, I'm 19. Everyone was being loud and the cops came. I cried like a little bitch while he was here, the breathometer gave me a 0.02. He let us all off with a verbal warning but my friend who owns the apartment is getting fined.
Gillen2583: One does not simply get so low numbers on the breathometer...
Shinokiba: I sipped one beer for an hour. I also don't drink much so I have a low tolerance.
dmt267: Lmao wut
garmiester: hahahaha
| 5 | 0.2 | |
1399745243 | 1399814779 | t3_25801t | t5_2to41 | 2,957 | PandaBearSalad: TIFU by leaving porn open on my iPad
So today I was hanging out with my girlfriend when she asks to borrow my iPad. As soon as the words "Of course!" were out of my mouth I remembered what I had been doing the last time I used said tablet - having some me time with my friend Sasha.
*Ohshitohshitohshit please tell me I closed it*
Nope. My girlfriend was greeted by the glorious image of Sasha Grey taking a double team like a champ.
The best part? She wanted to use the iPad to book us reservations for a nice date.
God dammit.
feex3: She shouldn't care that you watch porn, unless it's an unhealthy obsession.
PandaBearSalad: Yeah she wasn't mad it was just embarrassing. I really didn't need to give her any more ammo for teasing me than she already has
_vargas_: Keep firing off rounds to Sasha Grey and you won't have any ammo left to give her.
DaedricWindrammer: Pretty tame day, huh vargas.
_vargas_: It's still early.
DaedricWindrammer: It's 4:30 in the afternoon.
Jasondazombie: I THINK NOT!
My PC clock says 5:52.
3mon: mine says 00:13 midnight
Jasondazombie: Fuck
3mon: Got an appointment or what?
Jasondazombie: No, it's not even sundown here.
On another note, Ching chong chang ding
3mon: Ching chong chang ding? I'm not chinese, I'm german.
Jasondazombie: Is it true that the tone of your voice sounds like you're always angry to tourists?
3mon: No, german is actually a very soft language, but when you speak it with an english accent it sounds somewhat cruel.
Jasondazombie: Ah.
| 16 | 184.8125 | |
1399746708 | 1399877811 | t3_25823m | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by running a mile at gym class
So today i had to run a mile at gym class and at the 3rd lap my hip, leg, and groin. I was not able to finish it so i had to do the whole thing again next week. The next day, it started getting worse and I looked it up on Google. It was a sports hernia. There was a way to fix it without surgery but i'd have to stop running. I told my gym teacher but she won't believe me and if i don't run it i will be held back next year.
Screw this.
-hellboy-: Can't believe no one asked...
Your hip, leg and groin did what?
CaptainWobbles: At the third lap, his hips legs and groin.
| 3 | 2 | |
1399748271 | 1399753045 | t3_2584dd | t5_2to41 | 61 | Narlynarwall: TIFU by asking a girl to prom
So I had the brilliant idea a couple days ago to ask a girl to my school's prom during lunch... Before we left to get food. So lunch rolls around and I was waiting outside my car with cookies in the shape of "round 2?", as we went together last year. Now only a couple of my friends knew that I was going to ask her, in order to make sure she wouldn't find out. So as she walked up and I asked her, my friends drove by shouting "OOOHHHHHH!!!" only to solidify the awkwardness of her telling me no because someone had already asked her...
So now we get into my car and go to get lunch in what might have been one of the most awkward car rides of my life. As we drove out we tried to make conversation that was always followed by long gaps of silence. We decided that the drive through of the restaurant we went to would be better than going in for some reason. So we sat in the drive through trying to make conversation.
We got back to school where her friends started asking her questions about the box she was carrying (the cookies) and grabbed it from her and started shaking it like crazy, most likely breaking all of the cookies. So we split up our food and I left, ending the longest, most awkward lunch possibly of my life.
TL;DR Don't ask a girl to prom right before you have to sit in the car with her for 20 min. Especially if you are an awkward human being.
*edited awkward spacing
feex3: Ditch the spaces in front of your paragraphs,
it makes your text look like this and then you have to scroll to read it all since the lines don't wrap.
Narlynarwall: Thanks, I've never posted anything on here before!
feex3: Welcome! You'll get the hang of it in no time :p
| 4 | 15.25 | |
1399746780 | 1399790239 | t3_258276 | t5_2to41 | 20 | pooedmahself: TIFU by.. wait for it.. Shitting myself and getting caught by one of my roommates.
So this was actually yesterday but I'm just getting around to posting it on here.
Background: I'm a 20 yr old male college student, I live with 3 other dudes in an apartment-style dorm.
Thursday night my friends and I decide to go out and get absolutely shit faced before finals start. To say the least we succeeded.. at the end of the night I end up puking my way back to my dorm & falling out of the bed getting stuck between my bed and dresser. Apparently I was calling out for help to my roommate who helped me out otherwise I probably would have slept in that position.
So the next morning I wake up around noon, my stomach is turning and I have to take a serious piss. (My dorm-style apartment consist of two bedrooms and each bedroom has two beds. There is a living room area/kitchen and one bathroom. In order to get to the bathroom you have to walk through the living room.) I roll out of bed and make my way to the toilet and begin unleashing my stream. About midway through I feel a build up of gas and I'm sure I'm about to rip a loud one that will hopefully wake up my roommate.
I confidently loose my sphincter and give one good push to clear the way for my flatus. Obviously instead of breaking wind I opened up the flood gates. It took me a moment before I put things together as I was still thinking a little slowly from my heavy drinking the night before. There was something warm flowing down my leg and the sound I expected was much lower and more of a gushing.
I let out two big OH, OH's before I realized I'd just shit myself and jumped into action. One of my roommates was now calling my name asking what'd happened. I yelled back to him that he better not tell any but that I'd just shat myself. I start tip-toeing back to my room trying to discard my poo soaked briefs and pants as I go. (Keep in mind this means I have to walk through the living room.) As I'm nearing my room the door to our apartment opens and another of my roommates walks in and sees me standing pants down with poop down my leg. I freeze in that position before taking one last stride into my room and closing the door.
Later in the day he asked about it and he was under the impression that I just needed to get toilet paper so that's a relief. I've sworn my other roommate to secrecy and can trust that he'll keep it to himself as I know worse things he's done.
TL;DR - I got shitfaced and then shit myself the next day while extremely hungover. To then have my roommate walk in and see me with poo running down my leg.
Supajin: Who the fuck cares if you shit yourself. You act like it'd be the end of the world if your other roommates found out. I'd just laugh it off and it'd be a funny story. First world problems though.
whalezzzzZz: I care.
Supajin: Well, looks like I found someone who cares...
| 4 | 5 | |
1399755186 | 1399827631 | t3_258e24 | t5_2to41 | 14 | just4n0th3rthr0w4w4y: TIFU by introducing myself to an Asian foreigner.
One week ago tonight, I fucked up by introducing myself to an Asian whom I suspected was a foreigner. Some ~~guys~~ gays and I were out to the usual bar and club scene, and I had noticed this foreigner here and there, whom seemed to be alone. Later at the club, he appeared in front of my friends and I, who were watching the dragshow while waiting to dance...
I should mention I've been a foreigner too, and I had many positive experiences of strangers reaching out to me. (8 months, Korea then China.) I really appreciated their kindness and since have always tried to represent America with such hospitality.
Without too much hesitation and the promise of likely brightening someone's dull night; I took the few steps forward and introduced myself to this tall but otherwise rather average Asian fellow. He was friendly, and yes he was alone. I quickly asked where he was from although he didn't have much of an accent...
"Korea."
I was surprised and even slightly delighted; in an instant I knew we'd have much to talk about. I introduced him to my friends, who are themselves a rather unique collection of individuals. We all exchanged a few questions, but I guess from the noise of the club we found ourselves reengaged exclusively with each other.
His English was decent, and we talked about our travels but more interestingly our deeper perspectives and the impact of different cultural elements on self-expression. He pulled me off to the side where we leaned against a slick black painted rock wall. He offered to buy me a drink, and while I didn't want one (partied enough the night prior) I *insisted* on buying his drink.
"Gin and Tonicuh," he said.
"Make that two please!" I followed.
I promptly busted out a twenty and the bartender immediately went for it over his folded singles. I've been bought countless drinks while abroad and I feel a certain obligation to pay it forward.
We returned to our nasty wall, and kept on chatting. The club had gotten louder and we resorted to speaking into each other's ear. This back and forth, led to some near misses... plenty of opportunity for a barbaric interruptive kiss, but at this moment I was not looking for such a thing. I told him -Jay- about my boyfriend, and Jay professed that I was a very good guy for taking care of him.
At some point the dragshows ended and the dance-floor flooded with folks while the lights got low. Jay and I were still just chatting away, but I realized my night was going to have to end... and I desperately didn't want it to. Jay and I had been having rich conversation, and in retrospect he was a sort of catalyst... putting me back into Seoul, into Daejeon; revitalizing memories decaying for more than a year in a half. Something snapped, and this wouldn't end. I would extend it.
we will only talk, I sold myself.
My boyfriend was away on a short weekend trip, which I was excluded from, and my housemate was also out of town...
"How did you get here?" I posed...
Jay had a rental car, I invited him over on the condition that we wouldn't have sex. I said I just want to keep talking. He understood and agreed, I felt he would respect my wishes.
We exchanged a few more words, and then proceeded to the dance floor. He wasn't much of a dancer and quickly excused himself for a cigarette. I danced with some friends, and let them know where I was going and how I was getting there. Sadly there were no objections, even though all my friends had met my bf, *the fuckers even had a bet apparently regarding the matter.*
Jay returned and we tried to dance a tad more, before agreeing to leave, it must have been after 3am by this point, we had chatted for at least an hour. He was pretty sober and I was mildly intoxicated... I can't really tell. I guided him across town to my apartment, he reminded me how to say left and right in Korean, and we parked.
With the lights low, we hung out on the couch with some water. We went over some of my work and other novelty items I had around the space. After brushing my teeth, Jay had collapsed on the couch and seemed to be lightly asleep. I woke him up softly, and then kissed him shallowly. While telling myself,
we're not going to have sex,
I led him to my bed, where we casually cuddled, kissed, and chatted a little more. Things ultimately escalated slightly further, but we did not have intercourse, even if Jay requested it, I blindly held on to my deluded virtue. We slept for a few hours before he had to rendezvous with co-workers to continue his travels, and then my boyfriend called later that morning. I couldn't tell him what happened then, he was traveling and I didn't want to sully his travels. I embarked on some deep household cleaning that my bf had requested, not realizing the scope of what I had done, I still wanted to demonstrate my commitment.
The really fucked up thing is my bf and I had just moved all of his stuff into my home for the summer. While he was away on his long weekend trip, I had completed the last of my deadlines for a massive project that had consumed my life for the past 4 months, I was finally free from all the stress that kept my bf and I apart. When he returned after his trip was the first opportunity that we would have had to just be... together. Neither of us had any major, looming obligations or further hurdles to jump past. I wont dwell on the stress, but for those that know, it is the stress where you can only focus on your task at hand, and often you can't rest because you are either excited or scared shitless.
Instead he came home after that trip to confront me, and confirm that everything I had written in my thorough, honest but deluded email was accurate. In this conversation I realized my own delusion, that I completely failed to understand how this would affect my bf and I. We had never talked about cheating, or the consequences of it, I had always wanted to be exclusive as I didn't fully trust him yet. Compounding our slight trust issues was his occasional joke of momentarily deceiving me and telling me he had sex with some friend/professor. I never thought it was funny, and I never reciprocated the joke until it was not a joke. He had also brought up open-relationships a time or two, which I am fine with in theory, but we didn't have the trust yet.
Ultimately it came to light that I crossed one of his tenets, and that no matter what he felt for me he would not stand to be disrespected so. We have always been excellent communicators and have good chemistry. I've tried multiple roses, and letters but nothing seems to sway his stance. I believe neither of our hearts want "us" to end yet I can't convince him that the damage can be repaired and the trust rebuilt and strengthened.
I have never been a "cheater" and I don't want to be. Earlier that night I genuinely missed him and a friend and I took a photo and texted him hello. I never set out to cheat but got caught up in something I didn't even know I was vulnerable to. I genuinely feel like it was an accident, and no, it was not worth it.
**TIFU By blindly cheating on my deeply loved boyfriend**
And here's my analytics:
* I fulfilled a fantasy, for Jay's perspective, that I didn't know I had.
This was the first time I have met someone at a bar, and taken them home. I think as a foreigner I would want this to happen for me so I made it happen for Jay.
* I got caught up in the lust for reliving my memories abroad.
Jake became a catalyst, he took me back to being in Korea.
* I deluded myself in maintaining elements of "respect" that weren't important to my bf.
I cheated at the moment of the kiss, little else mattered.
* I completely failed to consider the greater situation of him moving in, and bringing someone over into our new home while he was away.
* I was completely misguided in how I thought it may affect my relationship.
My bf and I never talked about the consequences of cheating, or how important it was to him. I also suspect his joking about cheating and open-relationship inquires contributed to my erroneous perceptions.
* I thought our love was strong and could carry us through.
It is strong, but does not appear to be stronger than his will.
I hope someone can learn from my mistakes! Great chemistry, communication ability, and love does not equate an impervious relationship.
**tl;dr** I fucked up by cheating on my boyfriend because I randomly met a Korean guy who triggered rich memories of my travels to Korea. I felt a debt to show him hospitality and fulfill a fantasy I presume he and I shared. If you are in a relationship, understand each other's principles and the consequences of breaking them. Don't joke about things that could be deeply hurtful.
Princess-Seh: Dude, you cheated........You.
From reading, it sounds like you are looking for blame and excuses.
Own up to what you did and why you did it honestly. Admitting that would be your first step.
just4n0th3rthr0w4w4y: I genuinely don't have a reason, other than blind momentary lust... but a sort of lust I had never known before.
Princess-Seh: Possibly if you hadn't felt that lust for your current guy, then he may not be the right person for you anyway.
magnimoth: This would also be something I would think about it. If you found a truly unbridled lust for someone over shared experiences and your boyfriend being away for a week, and honestly that commitment wasn't too strong to begin with.
However, if you do still want to make it work, the only way to do it will be to give him space and earn the trust back that you lost. No amount of explaining or apologize can change what happened, so you will just have to wait and see where your boyfriend decides to take things.
just4n0th3rthr0w4w4y: I am meeting with him again today and then will help him move his stuff out, I'm not sure yet if he is just looking for some space or not.
It has been extremely hard to grant space in this situation though! And I agree it just as important as any explanation.
| 6 | 2.333333 | |
1399756009 | 1399919009 | t3_258f5d | t5_2to41 | 25 | lando101: TIFU by taking a lot of adderall right before going to sleep
It's important to note that I kinda have some ridiculous ADD, so the adderall is actually prescribed and was not bought in the college library or off of some shady kid in an alley. I didn't get fully diagnosed with it until about 6 or 7 years ago, which is when I started taking medication.
Currently, I take a 30 mg XR (extended release) every morning when I wake up, and then I take a 10 mg instant release sometime around one or two in the afternoon. My routine is to put my medication in a tic tac box right next to my wallet every night so that I don't forget to take the 30 XR the next morning before going to work. Also, I take a pill for asthma and an allergy pill every night before I go to bed.
So, last night, I do my usual routine and then go to sleep, I wake up an hour later sweating my ass off with my heart beating like crazy, and am unable to go to sleep. I turn on the light so that I can find my bottle of melatonin I use whenever I'm unable to fall asleep. When I turned on the light, I saw that the tic tac box was empty. So, not only did I take my ADD medication right before going to sleep, I took both the 30 XR and the 10 mg instant release at the same time. I've been awake ever since.
TL;DR - I took 40 mg of adderall thinking before going to bed because I thought it was my allergy medication. Good thing it's Saturday, or I'd be fucked.
Dewstain: You may be misdiagnosed. I'm ADD and stimulants affect me differently, as they should for a truly ADD person.
I would sleep like a baby even after that dosage.
lando101: I've found that particularly after taking the 10 mg one I actually start to get sleepy. However, adderall definitely increases my heart rate and body temperature, there is no getting around that. It is a stimulant, after all. Then again, I was having a pretty messed up nightmare about cops trying to run me over, so that probably had something to do with it.
Dewstain: To be fair, I never took adderall, I was on dexodrine in high school and college, but I hated the feeling of being on it, so I don't take anything anymore.
I've more or less taught myself tricks to recognize when I'm having trouble focusing and I self medicate with decent dosages of caffeine through soda.
[deleted]: Oh just shut the fuck up already
Dewstain: Classy.
[deleted]: As is sitting on your high horse being an obnoxious twat.
Dewstain: Everyone knows name calling I'd the best course of action when you're butthurt.
HortonHearsAWho14: Well he has a point. You're trying to call out someone who said he's wide awake after taking adderall when you even said you've never taken it. So not only can it affect people differently, but you haven't even taken it in the first place. So you have no idea.
Dewstain: The medicines are fundamentally the same, though.
As funchords said, stimulants affect people with ADD differently.
[deleted]: And you're fundamentally a fuckin moron.
Dewstain: Good job at least using the correct you're.
Your butthurt is showing through though.
| 12 | 2.083333 | |
1399758441 | 1399816920 | t3_258igw | t5_2to41 | 152 | misunderstood_corpse: TIFU by shown my penis to a 4 year old in front of Petco.
This happened about 30 minutes ago, so i'm gonna write it down while it's fresh.
I got up this morning after a night of heavy post finals drinking, and threw on the first pair of jeans i could find on the floor. This particular pair of jeans is my favorite. Unfortunately, last week the button popped off and they've become a little hard to manage, but i still deal with it because, well, they're my favorite. This was my first mistake. I threw on a belt to hold them up, and cinched it up tight just to be safe. That particular belt does not have the regular type of buckle that goes through a hole, it's just a clasp with teeth that hold the cloth of the belt in place. Second mistake. And finally, in my apathetic hungover state, i didn't feel it was necessary to wear boxers today. Final mistake.
I walked out of my room and saw my snake eyeing the shit out of me, he knows i feed him on Saturdays and it's already 3 PM. Even though i didn't really feel like it, i hopped in the car to go get him a mouse. When i pulled up to Petco and got out of the car, i leaned down a bit which caused just enough tension on my belt to pull the buckle right off of the cloth. With no belt and no button, my poor pants were completely helpless to stay where they should be. They dropped to my ankles. I scrambled to recover while shouting some seriously crude profanity, but only made things worse. When i grabbed the buckle it came unclasped completely, and skittered under my car. I pulled my pants back up, then I got on my hands and knees to retrieve the buckle.
I then checked around to see if anybody had noticed. I immediately make eye contact with a young mother holding an infant in one hand, and a 4-5 year old in the other, standing right in front of the door. The 4 year old is just staring at my crotch with that curious look that kids get when they see a strange adult. As the woman pulled her daughter away, she stared daggers at me and hurried to her car. I went into the corner and reattached my belt buckle, adjusting it a bit so this wouldn't happen again. When i turned around the family had gone. I then went into Petco and bought the damn mouse. I didn't really realize the TIFUness of what happened until i was in the car driving away.
TL;DR Inadequate pants caused me to become a sex offender.
shes-a-cunt: If you were in Europe this kid would have been like, "meh, a strange man's penis" and not cared.
sRazors96: Do you think it is normal to show penises in Europe?
shes-a-cunt: It's not a big deal. I live here. I have a bathroom with a gigantic plate glass window and no covering - our landlord said, "oh, we never thought about privacy" (they lived here for years). While we were in an apartment it wasn't all that unusual to see someone across the way in their own apt, naked, just going about their business. There's no shame or big deal about it. I've probably seen 20-25 naked or near-naked people since I came here, just a few months ago.
It has been kind of great in one way... I feel way better about my own body than I used to. :-D
sRazors96: There is a difference between seeing someone naked in their own home than in public. At least in the part of Norway where i live. Though it is constantly cold here so most people layer up.
shes-a-cunt: I've seen people pretty close to naked in public, too. I'm not that far away from you!
sRazors96: There is a difference between almost naked and visible penises.
shes-a-cunt: *Yawn.*
| 8 | 19 | |
1399761167 | 1399779133 | t3_258m8c | t5_2to41 | 20 | elemecha: TIFU by procrastinating on my final project.
My professor gave us about six weeks to do our final project, but like an idiot I left it all until the last week... well, more like the last two days, actually. Predictably, I didn't do so hot, and now I'm probably going to fail this class.
To make things worse, I'm supposed to be graduating this semester and have a job lined up, but this is a major requirement... if I fail, I won't be able to graduate on time. Nor does the professor believe in extra credit.
tokodan: Damn elemecha, exact same thing happened to me. We had two terms (UK system), so from November to March to write a literature review and I left it for the last two days (handed it in 2 minutes late!). I really hope I pass that...
I think the reason I procrastinate so much is because I have never felt any negative effect from it (apart from bitter disappointment from myself and parents when I underachieved)
Lucky you at least you have a job waiting for you.
Supajin: Does OP still have the job lined up if he fails the class and doesn't graduate though?
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1399762728 | 1399864602 | t3_258obt | t5_2to41 | 69 | dorkish: TIFU by turning in the wrong sheet for my final
Hello reddit, very quick and very fucked up. Had my last final today after a crushing week of no sleep and studying. End of the final comes up, going strong, feeling good about my work, and I turned in my (handwritten) formula sheet instead of the actual work for my exam. Oops. Hello 'F'!
Edit: Prof responded, he's not accepting the test in any way, shape, or form. Looks like I get to take the class all over again. I'm a fucking dumbass
Alexm920: Honestly, if this is undergraduate college or grad school I would just get your real work to the prof ASAP and explain the mistake. They probably hate grading, I know I do every time I have to do it, but I think they would understand. It would definitely get tons of scrutiny for "might be cheating" though.. so.. don't cheat...
dorkish: He emailed me about a 2 hours ago (I didn't realize my mistake. I came home and crashed. Woke up just recently, saw his email, responded and bolted to his office. He'd left for the day and has yet to respond to my email. So. We'll see what happens - I haven't cheated (even though I know I got at least one wrong), haven't taken any pictures, any photocopies, anything of the actual exam, etc. Would really appreciate it if he grades it or lets me retake it, but my hopes aren't very high. This is undergrad, senior level class.
Alexm920: I think your odds are pretty good, especially if you're a senior (it's in everyone's best interests to graduate you, honestly). If he's/she's a hardass you might have to re-take a different version, they usually have a week or two to input final grades, but that's probably the worst case scenario. I'd say relax and keep in contact with the prof.
dorkish: Nah I'm only a junior, just taking senior level classes. Not graduating this semester so it's not THAT big of a deal. Grades are due by this upcoming Tuesday, though, so I plan on showing up at his doorstep 8:00 Monday morning with test in hand and we'll see where it goes from there
Alexm920: Good luck! Few professors would make a student re-take a course due to a last minute mix-up, I hope it goes well!
dorkish: Appreciate it! I'll update when I figure out what happens
teaparty88: Go to the dean
dorkish: Yup! Tomorrow I'm going in to talk to the people one and two levels above this professor, although they were cc'd in the email chain between he and I so. We'll see.
| 9 | 7.666667 | |
1399761407 | 1399816027 | t3_258mj2 | t5_2to41 | 57 | PlushSandyoso: TIFU by having an unexpected guest at my dinner party
Guests were arriving for 19h30. And, I was in a bit of a frenzy getting all the food prepared for their arrival and making sure my apartment was spotless.
I started in the bathroom. Then moved on to mopping the floors and folding some laundry that had accumulated on the couch. Then, it was time to tackle the food. As any chef will tell you, it's very important that you taste your food as you go. I'd started in the early afternoon, and I kept working through each recipe one by one. By the end, I'd almost had a full meal in its own right. But, as I start to get to the main course, I realise I'm missing a couple ingredients.
It's 16h30. The grocery store is 20 minutes away. It closes at 17h00... And I have to take a massive dump.
Lo and behold, my turbo turd doesn't want to flush, and I don't have the time to take care of it before the store closes. So I left it there, thinking I'd take care of it when I got back.
Except I didn't. In the frenzy to get everything ready, I'd forgotten to go back into the bathroom having already checked it off as finished on my mental tasklist.
The guests arrive one by one. I greet them with a glass of wine and a hearty hug. Everything is going great. That is, until one of them steps into the bathroom. That's when I'm reminded of the unfinished business.
A look of horror washes across my face.
He takes an absurdly long time in the washroom, and when he comes out, he pulls me aside to inform me that we'd had one "extra friend" show up for supper, but he'd taken care of it. I was so embarrassed, but he seemed good natured about it. It wasn't the end of the world, but for all my efforts at making a classy soirée, I was a little disappointed I couldn't even flush my toilet.
strawberrycircus: Why is there so much poop on reddit?
BobVosh: Shit happens, man
alanram: [Sometimes](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=edmqTODMZC4)
| 4 | 14.25 | |
1399768558 | 1399852841 | t3_258w07 | t5_2to41 | 44 | [deleted]: TIFU by buying Chinese food and pissing off a seagull
This happened the other day but it fits in well here....
Got very drunk during a pub-crawl and decided to call it a night. Had a serious case of the drunken munchies so I called in to a Chinese takeaway on the way home. Stumbling round the corner next to the takeaway I spotted a seagull attempting to eat a plastic crisp packet (chip bag for you yanks). Being the decent sort and not wanting the bird to injure itself by having to shit out this plastic I kindly screamed at it in an attempt to get it to fuck off. It did and I went into the takeaway and ordered my sweet and sour chicken and chow mein. Got the food, stepped out into the street and before I could react the bloody seagull came at me. Dropped the food, twisted my ankle, said all manner of swear words. Chow mein everywhere, got seagull shit on my hoodie, couldn't have been any worse. Finally fucking made it home, opened the front door proceeded to snap the key in the lock. FML. Recovered now, although still emotionally traumatic considering how bad it was.
TL;DR Fuck seagulls.
theonlybluecow: Hey! We yanks know what crisps are! It's the biscuit thing that throws us off. I mean you call cookies biscuits, so what do you call biscuits?!?!?!
NefastVoltaire: I don't think that exists in the UK... I think the closest there is is a scone. Which is in self another problem because American scones and British scones are different...
theonlybluecow: Well what do they give you with KFC?
NefastVoltaire: Nothing.
Well, you get the KFC, you get your choice of salads, and you get the fries. No biscuits or scones.
theonlybluecow: Wow, just looked at http://www.kfc.co.uk/ british KFC is totally different than american KFC. Its like a completely different chain.
NefastVoltaire: :D And I'm in Canada
| 7 | 6.285714 | |
1399775155 | 1399985102 | t3_2594c4 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU By Promising The GF Something That I Didn't Want To Do
So me and the GF were talking, thinking up things we want to try.
She told me she wanted to try something but was too embarrassed to tell me, then I finally got her to say it.
"Anal. I wanna try anal."
Shocked by this, and being the idiot I am, I say "Don't feel embarrassed. I promise I want to try it, but I'm scared of the things that could go wrong, plus I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable."
She takes awhile to reply, but finally says "I don't care. Are you sure you promise that you want to try it?"
Being the fucking idiot I am, I say "I really do promise I want to try it. We can try it next time."
Do not promise people something you don't want to do.
maybeis: So when do you go buy a strap on?
KRX61: ah de old redit switchadoozle do dah!!
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1399773970 | 1399856375 | t3_2592v7 | t5_2to41 | 44 | [deleted]: TIFU by drinking my own piss.
Worst way to start my day. It was 6 AM in the morning when I got an urge to take a piss. But being the lazy fucker I am, I took an empty bottle from my bedside table and filled it up to brim.
Now after dozing off and waking up after a while, I get thirsty. I also keep a water bottle on my bedside table but guess which one I pick up? That's right, barely awake, and without looking at the table, I picked up a bottle full of my own piss and started drinking it without any hesitation. It was only after swallowing a good bit of my own piss and having my mouth full of it did I realize the grave misfortune I had brought on myself. Spat all of it out only later on having to clean it up.
TL;DR pissed in a bottle to drink later on.
Veeka: On a scale from 1-10, how much like Bear Grylls do you feel?
Assbutt_Winchester: 11
Jasondazombie: Hmm, needs more bear wrestling.
| 4 | 11 | |
1399772575 | 1399931079 | t3_25912c | t5_2to41 | 3 | funnypeyton: TIFU by saying a girl had nice tits during a Sexual Harassment portion in Sex Ed.
A group of friends and I where joking around during Sex Ed and the teacher asked for examples of Sexual Harassment. I then joked to my table by saying "Hey! OP's friend has nice tits." The look on her face and the tables face haunts me.
falconheart: "ha·rass·ment
həˈrasm(ə)nt,ˈharəsm(ə)nt/
noun
noun: harassment; plural noun: harassments
aggressive pressure or intimidation."
I fail to see how saying someone has "nice tits" (however crude it may be) can be considered sexual harassment, since there is no pressure or intimidation taking place.
TL;DR offensive behavior =/= sexual harassment
db0012: That isn't really the definition of sexual harassment. Sure, it doesn't explicitly follow the definition of harassment, but any unwelcome sexual comment or gesture definitely qualifies as sexual harassment, and to think otherwise is a bit insensitive.
BrownNote: In the professional world it adds a bit of a caveat to the definition - it has to be repeated. Simply saying she has nice tits once is offensive sure and may still get you spoken to just as telling her to go fuck herself would. But if she says she doesn't like you commenting on her body and you continue to so it, it *then* becomes sexual harassment.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1399776846 | 1399807577 | t3_2596as | t5_2to41 | 29 | DannyMarsh: TIFU by pushing a kid with Aspergers to the ground
Patch3y: You sound like a nice person.
AskMeMyName: I push people with disabilities all the time!
Temporary nursing home assistant.
Patch3y: What's your name?
throwawayaccount9193: His name is AskMeMyName.
| 5 | 5.8 | |
1399775965 | 1399779794 | t3_2595ab | t5_2to41 | 22 | INeverMisspell: TIFU broke up with a girl in the worst way
I am in high school and she was "one of the first" (knock-on-wood) girlfriends. We were watching a movie and whatnot, and I don't have a lot of break up experience so once I realized it probably wouldn't work out and i didnt want to be with her, I broke up it off. She cant drive so I had to take her home. She tells me she is suicidal and that I pushed her over the edge. She is a cutter and I've seen the scars. I think she is an amazing person but that we wouldn't work together. I was on the phone with here trying to bring her down telling her that I'm not worth doing anything that she would regret. So for the past day calming her down over my mess-up of not doing it over text...
killorabian: You made the right choice by doing it in person, no matter what the circumstances are. Nobody deserves to have to be broken up with over text.
TrooperDawga: i was an ass. i broke up with a girl via text. i deeply regret the way it made her feel. not looking for sympathy, just saying i realized how crappy it was, later on
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1399779610 | 1399788240 | t3_2599js | t5_2to41 | 31 | Chillosophizer: TIFU by not properly shampooing and conditioning.
Unlike most posts, this actually happened today.
So, I was going to get a haircut, nothing too special. I sit down and explain what haircut I want, nothing unusual. The lady and I are chatting it up, when I realize a white hair sitting on top of my head. As I am I'm a fairly young buck, this takes me entirely by surprise.
*FLASHBACK*
I jerk off pre-shower. That's just how I do. The sound of the shower blocks out all of the distracting sounds of fist against inner thigh. Anyway, like any other shower, I spanked it pre-game.
So the woman is combing my hair when he brushes over my white hair. It was then a chunk of dried cum flew off of her comb and onto my lap. This is when it dawned on my that, by some stroke of luck, my jizz wound up in my man mane. We were both still for what felt like an eternity. Then, all conversation ended. I sat in silence as she cut my jizz-ridden follicles. It was the most uncomfortable 10 minutes of my life.
tl;dr barber brushes up against my man juice, is left speechless.
ParsnipPuree: I hope you tipped her well.
Chillosophizer: I'll have you know I was cumpletely ignorant of the fact that you tip hairdressers. It was at a Great Clips, though. Now I don't have to go there anymore, so that's nice.
joshj2398: >cumpletely
Hahhahahaha
| 4 | 7.75 | |
1399779269 | 1399897549 | t3_259956 | t5_2to41 | 4 | bebetterstrangers: TIFU by drinking straight from the 2-liter bottle.
I'm terribly ill,i might add.
so anyway,i woke up earlier than everyone on my house,and i looked in the fridge and saw a 2-liter bottle of Sprite. "ooh " i thought,as i proceeded to chug and chug...
i put it right back and went about my business(going back to bed). an few hours later, i woke up because all my nieces and nephews were here,to greet my mother(their grandmother) for mother's day weekend...a little later, i saw all the little ones were sneaking drinks from the 2-liter.
palindrex: For all the times my niece and nephew spread their kindergarten diseases among my whole family on meet-ups, I'd say this kind of thing is forgivable.
bebetterstrangers: Tell me about it! Although it ain't really their fault haha.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1399782268 | 1399824958 | t3_259clg | t5_2to41 | 31 | vanisleGray: TIFU: Getting decent food for my dog
My dog was neutered yesterday and we need to feed him wet food. I was down to one can today because I didn't want to buy the crappy meal-product shit and didn't get to the proper pet store yesterday. So I went out tonight, too late - it closed at 6pm and I got there at 7:30.
Okay, I will take him for a quick walk and get one more can of the cappy food after. I drove for a short distance and he started whining. It was because he was about to barf, and did he barf. All over the console of my car, on the seat, in between the shifter and parking brake.
There was nothing to clean it with, so I scooped most of it out of the car with my hand and a garbage bag, to little effect.
It was like adding caulking between tiles, as I squished the vomit into the cracks and dropping it into the bigger holes. So my car smells like dog puke now. I stop and get some baby wipes and dog food, spend another 20minutes trying to clean up.
So instead of getting at least a week of food, I only have one night again, have to drive to the same place tomorrow, the car will still smell of vomit (less hopefully) and the dog didn't even poo when I walked him... so I probably have that to look forward to later tonight.
markdesign: Just throw the car away and get a new one.
Zymaxid: I'm really going to have to agree with Markdesign here. Dog barf is one of the foulest smelling substances around AND it has staying power.
| 3 | 10.333333 | |
1399763917 | 1399825242 | t3_258pyn | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU- I punched the front window of my car.
Last night I got really mad at my brother at a party and when we got into the car. I was really angry and instead of punching him I started punching the windshield. Today I awoke with my hands all cut up and the an hang over and felling like shit.
I will summit images if any one is interested.
Lectovai: Care to say why you were angry?
Zymaxid: Maybe his brother damaged his car.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1399786280 | 1399928545 | t3_259gsm | t5_2to41 | 21 | Manatto: TIFU By putting nicotine in my eye
I usually sleep with my contacts in and have a small bottle of contact solution on my nightstand to moisten them in the mornings. Well the night before I had filled my E cigarette and placed the bottle on my nightstand. Well I woke up this morning groggily and reached for my contact solution. I then dripped 4 drops in my left eye and realized my fuck up as I immediately felt an intense burning in my eye. I flushed my eye and called poison control. They told me to flush it longer and go to the hospital if the pain/irritation persisted more than an hour.
Tl;dr Got an ultra nic fix to left eye with E cig liquid instead of contact solution
RonaldTheGiraffe: Did you get a huge nicotine rush? I guess the nicotine version of eyeballing vodka
Manatto: Yeah, it woke me up from my groggy stupor and I had a nicotine migraine for half the day
qazzaw: Well played, bro. Well played.
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1399788316 | 1399831272 | t3_259ioa | t5_2to41 | 16 | wordswithfrenemies: tifu by sending a text message to my girlfriend.
So I'm in Vegas with my family visiting relatives that live out there. I call my cousin to hang out because when he lived in California we used to be best friends. I see him one every ever 5 years or so but we always pick up where we left off. He invites me to a party that his friends are throwing which is another side of Vegas I've never seen. He is friends with a bartender at a popular strip joint and always brings his "co-workers" along. So at this party I meet all these Local Vegas people that we're very interested with where I was from, the Bay Area. They say it beautiful there and people knew how to relax and I mean, I agreed because they live in party central where there's no last call.
I meet a bunch of hot chicks and a bunch of cool dudes and one of them asks me if I ever tried cocaine before. If you thought drugs were only on the strip come on, who do you think is supplying it? I said no but I was drunk and willing to try it. So I did it the entire night with my cousin's friends. I remember laying on a bed with strippers telling them what me and my friends do for fun. It was awesome.
As the sun came up, I woke up my cousin because I had to get back to my parents time share because we were leaving that morning to drive back up to the Bay Area. As he's driving me back I'm still kind of fucked up so I text my best friend that lives on the east coast and said "Dude, I just had the craziest night in Vegas. I'll tell you later." I get back to the room and sleep for about an hour and then pack my stuff to go. I layout in the backseat hungover and my best friend texts me saying "long story short what happened." My girlfriend also texts me "Hi babe I miss you" I'm half asleep so I slide one of the texts notifications on my iphone thinking it's my best friend and it said "Long story short. Strippers. Drugs. And a whole lot of drinking. FML" Instant response "?!?!?!." Wrong text box.
IM FUCKED
Wclewis: Yeah just act like you were kidding with her, and when she asks why say because I like to see you get all jealous and worked up about me..
devals: Ugh, people are such douchebags...
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1399795141 | 1399798795 | t3_259nqc | t5_2to41 | 6 | PrimaryPrimer: TIFU by accidentally sucking off my best friend (I'm a girl, he's a guy)
official4chanuser: Accidently?
PrimaryPrimer: I had a few drinks, and I was still thirsty.
nowonmai: Cum isn't really the cool refreshing mouthful, though.
PrimaryPrimer: Everyone is open to their own opinion, especially here on reddit :)
nowonmai: Fair enough. Never could take to the stuff myself. Maybe with a mixer?
| 6 | 1 | |
1399791481 | 1399821955 | t3_259l7z | t5_2to41 | 48 | Taburnius: TIFU by leaving myself logged into skype and not shutting down my computer.
So today I went out with some of my friends and neglected to log off my computer. Normally this isn't a problem. I left myself logged into skype and my cousin starts trying to call me. Since I'm not home my mom hears and decides to respond and they chat. Not bad so far.
However, this particular cousin is the one I tell all my stories to. All the dumb and stupid shit that I end up doing. And I don't delete my conversation history. My mom goes ahead and reads about everything I've been doing like getting drunk, getting high, getting drunk and high, throwing parties at my aunties house while they gone. Then she texts me this long rant basically detailing how fucked I am when she sees me. Even threatening to kick ne out. Best part? My phone was dead and I didn't see it till I got home.
Luckily my mom is working overnight and had gone to work by the time I got home but my dad was home. My dad doesn't know shit yet. I'm thinking that my mom hasn't said anything so that his rage will be fresh when we all there. I've asked my friend what to do and he's offered to let me stay if my mom does end up kicking me out. Right now I'm just sitting in bed scared shitless about what my moms going to do to me.
Pics if anyone interested.
http://imgur.com/nVYqbnz,AX6PkvK#0
http://imgur.com/nVYqbnz,AX6PkvK#1
English isn't my moms first language and I'm assuming her wrath is making her text even worse than usual.
UPDATE: I didn't want to sleep last night cuz I wanted to be awake when my mom got home in case I had to dip. Had church in the morning and my mom wouldnt look at or talk to me from the time she got home till after church. When we got home she confronted me about it. Started yelling. I acted like I never got her text before since my phone had died. Asked her where all these accusations were coming from and she said one her friends from work told her about rumors at school. Bull shit. I was logged into skype on both my phone and my computer so I know when she started talking to my cousin. Also my message history was extended to the past year. I denied the drug use but admitted to everything else. There are consequences but they're reasonable considering what I've done. Luckily not getting kicked out. Maybe working overnight gave my mom some time to think and cooldown I dunno. Thanks for the advice guys. I was going to admit to everything but she lied about her information so I didn't feel so bad about denying some stuff. Dad ain't even mad though haha.
graboidian: TIL: Always log off your computer when you go out.
Seriously.....talk to your dad about it now.....get his rage out of the way,...reason with him....He may be more likey to stand by you when your mother gets home. Remember, you're already busted...so lay all the cards out on the table right away, because anything you omit will only be used against you. Keep in mind, it's not like you committed a major crime, you merely were being a teenager (please tell me that you are not 27 and living in your parents basement).
Best of luck to you...!!!
Taburnius: It might be too late for that. He's sleeping by now. Waking him up just to explain how I fucked up might just result in a double beating haha.
hahahahahaha: Your mom might have a point. You should listen to what she is trying to say to you and how it must feel from her point of view.
| 4 | 12 | |
1399795510 | 1399830268 | t3_259o02 | t5_2to41 | 6 | FiraNayshun: TIFU By Telling My GF's Mom That I Gave My GF Permission To Have Sex With Someone Else
TL;DR: Told my gf's mom that my gf has permission to fuck her.
Never thought I'd be posting on here, but today seems to be the day for new things.
So, some background. My girlfriend and I have been discussing maybe opening our relationship to possible trusted people to widen our experiences. I am her first, and she is my second, although I didn't really have much of an experience my first time. We figured to open up our relationship to get wanting to explore out of the way and to stop wondering about sex with other people.
Now onto the fuck up.
My girlfriend and I came to the conclusion that if she were to have sex, it would be most likely with her ex. She has really no feelings for the guy, but is just generally curious about what it would have been like with him if they were physical. They were together for 2 years, and the guy didn't want to be physical (The guy cried after getting a blow job because he didn't want it). So, I went to text to her ex that I'd said sure to having sex with him because my girlfriend was busy watching America's Next Top Model. She said to text him it, so I figured his contact was already up. I typed the message saying "FiraNayshun gave me permission to have sex with you etc etc." I put the phone down when I was done and just continued on with my reediting. My girlfriend looks down and just says "Oh my God. Look who you sent that too."
It was her mom.
....Fuck.
This woman, her mom, is very very very judgmental when it comes to us even having sex. My girlfriend got sick (while on her period) and her mom was like "You better not be pregnant" and that is how she found out we even had sex. My girlfriend had to tell her that yeah, we started, but she was on her period, so it wasn't that.
She has probably wanted my head on a silver platter on some days. This may be one of those days.
I took responsibility and said that the text was meant to be for someone else and to embarrass her, but ultimately embarrassed me and made it worse for my girlfriend.
This will not go down well.
Kip9999: Who gives a FUCK what her mom thinks about your sex life? Grow the Fuck up.
NevaehsAshes: Agree. Besides, this is a disaster waiting to happen. Never wish bad on people but you guys better REALLY think about separating before this turns nasty.
FiraNayshun: Never said we cared, just said she was judgmental. Like I'm going to break up with my girlfriend because of her mom? My fucked up moment was accidentally sending that to her mom. Her mom cherishes my girlfriend because she is the youngest. Hearing that from anyone about your daughter I would imagine would be extremely awkward.
NevaehsAshes: My point was that going in to an open relationship period rarely turns out positive. As for the mom, any man in a long term relationship knows you will always be violating her little girl in one way or another so let it go. It'll work itself out in time. ..If you're still together. XD
FiraNayshun: We've thought about just opening it up for a little while to get our curiosity out of the way. Her and I haven't had any issues ever before and we are both really chill about things.
My gf and I are both 20 and we know not to care about what her mom thinks. We don't, it's just awkward when her mom brings it up, and she can get a little judgmental which gets annoying sometimes. She knows we have sex, and she knows we aren't going to stop anytime soon haha.
devals: Don't fall into that trap. Seriously. Whether it "works out" or not, at the VERY least your relationship will never be the same. Sometimes it's better not to play fast and loose with a good thing.
If you ARE going to do this, at least go into it knowing that you hope to be the extreme minority that survives such an arrangement. Do not take this lightly; no matter HOW happy/secure the relationship is going into it- that just makes it worse when that careful balance (and it is a precarious balance) gets fucked up.
As for the ex boyfriend angle? That is just a horrible, objectively horrible idea. If the goal is not to get FEELINGS involved in these extranneous hook-ups, well, that's kind of asking for failure. Feelings are already there, and clearly they haven't gone away completely if she feels more comfortable having sex with him for "some reason". If she really wants to do this for the reasons you guys state, she needs to actually explore things with other people, not go backwards only to further develop a relationship that was supposed to have ended.
| 7 | 0.857143 | |
1399798324 | 1399799420 | t3_259pss | t5_2to41 | 8 | throwawayaccount9193: TIFU by leaving a lube wrapper on the floor
One of my friends recently bought a box of these lube sachet-type things. He gave me one, although I didn't ask for it and didn't really want one. I had it hidden in my room (which I share with my older sister) for about two weeks, and today I was home alone for a while so I decided to get rid of it.
I was going to just throw the whole thing out, but curiosity got the better of me and I decided to try it. Meh, it wasn't anything too special. After I'd emptied the wrapper, I left it on the floor. After I was done, I went to the bathroom to wash up, and then went to the lounge room turned on the TV.
My sister got home about half an hour ago and went into our shared room. I didn't think anything of it, but she came out into the lounge a few seconds later holding the wrapper that I forgot to get rid of. She put it down next to me and asked me "so what's this?". She walked to the door as I looked at it, not knowing what to say. I turned around and she was still at the door, waiting for me to explain it, and she said "just get rid of it" and went back to the bedroom. I went and put the wrapper in the kitchen bin, then sat back down in the lounge room. After a few minutes, I went back into the bedroom and made small talk about TV, asking how it was when she was out, etc. I just folded and put away my clothes and tidied up my bedside table while she sat on her bed on her laptop. As I was about to leave, I said that my friend gave me that lube. She said "why??" and I just said "I don't know", because I really don't. I said that I didn't actually use it, but just opened it to look at it before throwing it away. I left and moved the wrapper from the kitchen bin to the outside bin, so nobody else will see it. I am now watching TV again, and she is in the bedroom, and we're still the only ones home.
I feel like I made it a bit less awkward by clarifying that I didn't deliberately acquire it or use it, but I'm still shaking out of embarrassment. I wish I could go back in time and just fucking remember to pick up the wrapper and get rid of it. I guess my family could've guessed that I masturbate, but it's still really awkward if they actually find out for real, and it's especially awkward if they thought I was buying stuff to make it better. I guess I should just be grateful that it was my sister who found it and not anyone else, because she'd probably be the most understanding.
TL;DR: I accidentally left a lube wrapper on the floor of my shared bedroom, and my sister found it.
Edit: spelling
Stretch92009: You are a human being and you have urges that are normal. Let her cope with the fact that you "might" have touched yourself, even if you didn't. It is TOTALLY normal to masturbate, so relax, let it go, and there should be no issues.
throwawayaccount9193: I know that I didn't do anything wrong, but it's still really awkward and embarrassing for me. I'm just annoyed that I could've avoided all of it if I had just remembered to pick up the wrapper, or not even used it in the first place.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1399795460 | 1399970137 | t3_259nz2 | t5_2to41 | 7 | bowieinu1: [TIFU] by manhandling things with my goatish hooves
Last Wednesday I spied a beautiful watch which I've thought about everyday up until today, I decided to pull the trigger and fork out the $160 I bought the watch and rushed home to admire my purchase I took it out of the packaging took off all the plastic, polished it up and ripped out the adjusting pin so now the insides don't work.
I'm now so very sad
DJFlabberGhastly: This is why I don't bother with expensive single-function items.
imperialmoose: Wow, I'd find it really hard to get by without a fridge. Good on you.
DJFlabberGhastly: My fridge does three things. Freezes food, chills beer and stores it all.
imperialmoose: Touche.
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1399804130 | 1399857938 | t3_259t2k | t5_2to41 | 49 | ThisIsProblematiic: TIFU by shaving my pubes... in the bath...
So today I was having a bath to relax a bit, as I have had a very busy week with exams and everything. I look down and my pubes had grown into some wild forest. Me, being the idiot 14 year old that I am, decides oh yes I'll shave them. How bad could it be?
**Pretty bloody bad!**
So I finish up and realise that I am now sitting in a bath full of my pubic hair and it all keeps getting stuck to me. I've literally been in the bathroom for about 2 hours trying to clean it all up and wash it all off me, and my parents are starting to worry and I don't know what I will say to them.
Whiteybulger617: Goddamn your pubes are that thick at 14? You're going to have a wolverine in your pants by the the time you're 18
ThisIsProblematiic: Well it was the first time I shaved them, so they had time to grow I guess. I'm not sure whether to just leave them or shave now, as it is itchy as hell right now.
Whiteybulger617: They are itchy as hell! Plus I always found whenever I do mine I end up with ingrown hairs like crazy. It's all worth it though just to make your d look 1/4" bigger in the end
ThisIsProblematiic: Haha, like I need it to look bigger at my age anyway. I just don't know what the hell to do with ass hair, it feels awkward as fuck.
Supajin: comb it
Dear_Watson: Center-part works the best and give a gentle breeze while jogging ;)
| 7 | 7 | |
1399807189 | 1399933865 | t3_259uy8 | t5_2to41 | 313 | [deleted]: TIFU by throwing my iPad off a cliff
I'm taking a class in photography, and I decided to use my iPad for my assignment. I have a Griffin Survivor case on it, so it's pretty sturdy.
Anyway, yesterday me and a friend were walking above our local cliffs, about 50 meters or so. We are both sitting on the edge after an hour walk. I'm showing my friend my pictures when an eagle lands 10 meters away.
In fright I threw my iPad off the side. The eagle flew off.
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck
After a long walk back to the car park, we take the steps down and walk back to the bottom of the cliff.
45mins of searching, and Mike finds it. The Griffin screen protector has come off, the screen is smashed, and it's full of water.
Nice way to ruin a month old iPad.
Edit: For all you numchucks, I was using it with an attachable lens
evenstevens280: First mistake: using an iPad as a camera.
JohnoTheFoolish: > First mistake: using an iPad ~~as a camera~~.
WinterCharm: Nothing wrong with using an iPad. I don't get the insane hate of tablets on reddit :/
[deleted]: We Redditors pick on anything that anyone shows feelings for. It's our loved habit.
WinterCharm: You might have a good point. I just find it insanely annoying, though.
We acknowledge and realize that Reddit connects us to a wide variety of people, but then anyone who expressed a like for a device that I don't use must be downvoted? Or shot down?
People need to acknowledge that the same multitude of users have different needs and will use different things. For all we know, OP is a geology major who's course notes are on that iPad. But of course, instead, we all gave him shit for using an ipad... (I'm guilty of it too, as I asked him why he didn't just use a phone camera or real camera - I just assumed he was taking a picture) maybe he wanted to grab a picture and annotate it for a study or report.
I use a MacBook Pro as my only computer, and I get shit for it constantly, but I have a very different use case than the average user. I am always on the go, and I actually need that power for rendering, simulations, etc. do I game on it? Sure. It's my only machine and I like gaming. Is it the cheapest way to game? Heck no it's not. But I can't lug a desktop around everywhere I go. So I make do. But that doesn't stop redditors calling me a dumbass for gaming on my MacBook Pro. :)
[deleted]: We're like a heard of vultures (? I just made that up...). We pick on each other, even if we're not "dead" [yet].
| 7 | 44.714286 | |
1399810566 | 1399831054 | t3_259x6z | t5_2to41 | 85 | j0rl3x: TIFU I got hit by the mail van (Picture included)
I stepped out in between two parked cars. Yes a silly thing to do I know. I had to step half way out into the road to look, as I looked right look left BANG I get hit by a post van. My elbow hit the bonnet and dented it I flipped up and smacked my head on the windscreen and cracked it. I then sort of flipped and landed. I landed safely luckily I landed elbows first which reduced the direct hit to the back of my head. The ambulance guys told me I was lucky that I landed that way as the blow to my head could have been fatal. The upshot of it was I was fine a close shave and my head and legs were bruised but it made me realise be more careful and cherish life why you have it. The weirdest part was calling my Dad saying "Hi can you come pick me up please I was hit by a car x" I did not want to tell my mother as I knew she would have some sort of over protective hyper ventilation attack or something. Anyway thats my story.
Don't take life for granted, cherish it as you never know when it could come to an end.
Be safe on the roads as Drivers and pedestrians.
Heres the picture: (My Dad took it to remember the occasion)
http://imgur.com/BCcMShH
kage_25: > I had to step half way out into the road to look
or lean a bit
j0rl3x: Looking back even if I did that the car would have hit a part of my body. I had to lean into the path of the road to see but looked right first and then left which was where the car was coming from then bam.
kage_25: so the car was driving on the right side of the road
not left?
j0rl3x: Nope in England where we should be driving on the left side but the road is not the widest and he was driving down the middle.
kage_25: ahh couldn't understand how you hit the "wrong side" of the car elsewise
mystery solved
| 6 | 14.166667 | |
1399819228 | 1399879332 | t3_25a5bb | t5_2to41 | 5,062 | mas0518: TIFU by using the Pornhub app too much
This actually happened a couple of days ago.
I am an engineering intern and was invited to go to a seminar with a bunch of other engineers from my company. This required about a 4 hour road trip. My smartphone was on the verge of going over my allotted 2 GB of data per month, with a few days to go until a new cycle, so I knew this was going to be a long boring trip with nothing to do.
About an hour into the trip, feeling bored, I jokingly announced, "can someone set up a wifi hotspot with their phone, I've reached my data limit". The engineer sitting to the left of me said that he had problems with going over his data limit as well until last month when he changed some settings on his phone. He asked me to open up my app settings to determine which applications were using the most data this past cycle. This is where I fucked up.
I had forgotten that I had gone without wifi at home for a couple of weeks because fuck paying bills. After a few days in without internet, I had not had any happy time, so I decided to look some stuff up on my phone. However, my phone for some reason will not stream videos from porn sites. I can stream youtube, liveleak and many others, but any porn site that I try to watch a video on, my phone tells me I can only download it. Well, I did not want to download porn onto my phone, so I decided to find a pornviewing app and stumbled upon Pornhub. I had heard a few days before on Reddit that Pornhub would plant a tree for every hundred videos watched, so I felt like I was doing some good in the world everytime I used this app. Which was multiple times before I got my internet turned back on.
So back to the van on our road trip, I bring up the list of apps that had used the most data the past cycle. I should point out that I have a Galaxy Note 2, which has a very large screen. To my surprise, because I had forgotten, right at the top of the list was a big Pornhub emblem and a green bar that said it had used about 1.2 GB of data. Unfortunately for me, the engineer on my left, and the engineer on my right, and the chief engineer sitting behind me were all watching me while I did this. To make matters worse, as soon as I realized what was at the top of the list, I tried to slide it off the screen to make it disappear, but in my nervousness, I ended up tapping on it which opened up a screen to give more details about the app, as well as enlarging the icon for all to see. The engineer to my right started laughing, and wouldn't stop for about 10 minutes, the engineer to my left stated "well this is awkward". And the chief engineer behind me would not make eye contact with me at all for the rest of the day. I overheard the story being told multiple times during breaks in the seminar with the other 6 engineers on the trip, so now everyone in my office probably thinks I'm some sort of perv. I am not looking forward to work tomorrow morning.
Edit: Wow, this kind of exploded today. Thanks for all the great responses. I'm sure that Everyone will have a few good laughs at my expense tomorrow which I think I can handle. I imagine all of the engineers in the office will be jealous as shit though when I tell them that [u/Katie_Pornhub](http://www.reddit.com/user/Katie_Pornhub) responded to the thread. That's almost like real life contact with a female. We all know who I will be thinking about tonight when I arm wrestle with my one eyed vessel (☞ﾟヮﾟ)☞
tl;dr: Showed a few engineers that I am interning for that the number 1 data using app on my phone is Pornhub :(
That_Deaf_Guy: Minor, laugh it off and own it. Everybody watches porn. Have a wank and wait for all this to blow over.
Sir_Shitstorm: Simmilar thing happened to me. Put my usb up on the projector to get a presentation ready in college and one of the files was a porn video. When people started pointing it out i just said to them "Its a pretty good video, i can send it to you if you want". Nothing to worry about. Have a joke about it and people will forget eventually
That_Deaf_Guy: Nice one, you genuinely owned that moment. Very smooth response.
[deleted]: He only wishes thats how it went down
Sir_Shitstorm: Ran out of the room crying and quit the class. True story.
waffleninja: Should have opened up the video and started taking off your pants.
cathartic_caper: Gets an A for maintaining eye contact with the room.
waffleninja: i got an eyefull alright.
The_Sands_Hotel: That's just gross.
| 10 | 506.2 | |
1399818104 | 1399832575 | t3_25a42x | t5_2to41 | 4 | needadvice007: TIFU by being needy
I am not the smoothest person with women, I'm 18, graduating this year, and have not really had much experience, but recently a girl Ive known for a small while took interest in me at a youth club that I've been attending. It was perfect as she had given me her number and we started texting frequently, not wanting to mess this up ( as I meet up at this club every week) I refrained from flirting, and kept my intentions pure. This went on until a she started to show interest in me, as I would tell her things like "I wanna get to know you better :)" and she would respond "I wanna get to know you better too ;)", and these texts kept going on until I was sure she liked me. I then asked her on a date and she enthusiasticlly agreed, but on the day of the date she flaked on me, so I thought nothing of it until I saw her a few days later at the youth club, where she completely avoided me the whole time. I accepted that she lost interest and still wanted stay friends so it wouldnt be awkward and she wouldn't treat me as if I had the plauge, so I texted her telling her how I'm sorry if I made her fell uncomfortable by reading her signals wrong and how I still wanted to stay friends. She then texted me back telling me that she was sorry and it was not how it seemed, and in her words " how rude of me, I wanted to talk to you but you were gone when I had the chance :(", so being the frustrated and confused teen that I am (keep in mind we were flirting like 3 days before), I texted her back "I need to know where this is going, are you attracted to me or not". Its almost been 2 days (TDBYIFU ) and I don't think I'm getting a reply back, and tomorrow I go back to the youth group. I honesty have no idea how I can play this off now ( as she's most likely going to show this display of neediness to those there), and I feel stupid, I effectively did what I was trying to avoid for 4 months through a stupid late night text :\
devals: You did fine, your text reads more like admonishment than neediness, and it was an admonishment she deserved. I'm sure she realizes that, but you're both young- it takes time to outgrow that kind of awkwardness.
needadvice007: Thanks alot, this made me feel a lot better about the whole situation :)
IPostAlotbot: I noticed that you mentioned an alot, needadvice007.
Here's a picture of one for you: http://i.imgur.com/kTKRLlk.gif
---
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Hate me? Love me? Respond with an angry/loving comment! I read them all!
^^In ^^case ^^you're ^^really ^^dense ^^and ^^don't ^^get ^^the ^^joke, ^^'alot' ^^isn't ^^a ^^word.
| 4 | 1 | |
1399818967 | 1399831468 | t3_25a50g | t5_2to41 | 29 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally killing a little bird by setting it free
Reddit, this is my first ever submission and for a start, I'd like to share my major fuck up today.
It was raining really heavily today and the windows in the kitchen were open, so rainwater started getting inside, leaving puddles on the floor. This would be very hazardous for my very ancient grandmother who could slip, break her neck and die if she was to step foot inside the kitchen.
So, being the responsible grandson I was, I went ahead to close the kitchen windows when I heard chirping sounds. There it was, this little bird, probably a sparrow, hiding behind the dish rack. It was soaking wet and shaking but me being the fucking idiot I was decided that it was stranded and had to be set free while god takes a huge fucking piss outside.
I opened the windows, spooked the bird, chased it around the kitchen until it figured out that it had to fly out of the kitchen windows as intended. "Bye bye birdy, be free." Just as I thought that I had done something good for the first time in my life, boy was I fucking wrong.
Unable to properly take off due to the rain, my little feathered friend crashes into a ditch filled with raging water and drowns. I killed a harmless little animal, reddit. :(
CreepyCarrot: lol
jimmyloo78: god your an asshole, but you made me crack up.
Still a douche
| 3 | 9.666667 | |
1399825059 | 1400003064 | t3_25aclr | t5_2to41 | 14 | Purgatorrry: TIFU by almost breaking my foot because I didn't want people to know that I took a shit.
I was at a party and had to take a huge dump. Knowing that people were outside the toilet, I didn't want them to know it and smell it. So instead of trying to sneak out, I drunkenly decided to get out through the window. The only problem was that the window was aproximately 3.5 meters (11,5 feet) from the ground, but that didn't bother me at the time. I end up landing on my foot and almost breaking it and whyning about it the whole night. Now I have a cast and have to wear it for the next couple of days. I guess letting people know that you took a shit isn't as bad afterall.
strawberrycircus: Why is there so much poop on reddit?
Purgatorrry: Because everybody poops.
DervishDavid: Except for people who were disemboweled, survived, and now shit into a bag :D
I guess you could still call it pooping. It just doesn't work like a normal persons.
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1399829743 | 1399833422 | t3_25aj80 | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by drunk texting a girl who rejected me, while sober
I met a girl I was super into, a little bit ago; we went out a couple times and I ended up kissing her a few times. Later because I'm me, my insecurities took the #1 spot in my mind; and I ended up fucking it up. Later she'd been acting distant and awkward; I confronted her about it. She told me that she thought she was into me as well, but it hadn't stuck (because I'm an insecure freak; that is clingy and needs to fucking kill myself) we talk a bit more and she asks to be friends.
Later that night; I texted her and told her I was hurt; and that she led me on. I ended up making a huge fool of myself throughout the conversation, feeling sorry for myself and whining about how lonely I am. Fuck me.
concernedbitch: If you think she'll be receptive to an apology, apologize (without the side of self-pity. See [here](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qc_XWlqURTg) for instructions). If you think it will just make things worse, just give her space.
soveryshallow: >If you think she'll be receptive to an apology, apologize
Do not do this OP. This is terrible advice. You already set a high bar of clingy and desperate, do not raise it. Just forget about it and move on.
[deleted]: I know I did, I don't plan on saying anything to her unless she instigates the conversation; and even then keeping it on a casual "how about the weather" sort of level. I am usually very good at keeping my clingy desperate side under wraps; not so much around super cute girls who give me some semblance of attention. Fuck me.
soveryshallow: 100% know those feelings. Just try to move on and put it out of your mind. You'll be okay. :)
| 5 | 2 | |
1399827995 | 1400507821 | t3_25ago0 | t5_2to41 | 49 | yackippo: TIFU by drying my friend's face with my pubes.
I feel like this one takes a bit of explanation. Heres how it went down. One week ago was my schools prom and I decide to clean up down there. It had been a significantly long time since I had trimmed the hedges, so to speak, and there was a significant amount of pubage to prune. Now while im doing my garden work, I like to have a towel under my Jack Johnson. This way all the hair ends up on the towel, which makes clean up easier. Well, I was running late and didn't have time to dispose of the significant amount of groin grow. So I decide to hide it in my bathrooms towel cabinet and go on my marry way. Last night I had some friends over for cigars and a rousing tournament of FIFA. They all crash at my place for the night after the festivities. This morning I wake up to take my morning crap. While Im sitting i notice that one of the lads left a pile of towels on the ground. That's when i saw it. The pube towel. Thus begins the most fucked up game of clue ever played as me and the three friends left at my house try to figure out who was showered with my short hairs. Turns out it was (name of very good friend) with an accidental face full of pubes in the bathroom. He still hasn't said anything.
TL;DR- Tifu by letting my friend dry his face with my angel hair pasta.
cof00005: And this is why you should always ask before borrowing towels...
yackippo: There were like ten other towels to use...
idontnknow: you don't need a towel to clean ur pubes it's a waste do it over the toilet or use a hair plug on the shower or something jez
yackippo: Did the toilet once....had to clean that same toilet immediately perhaps you're more skilled than me.
idontnknow: i dunno man, maybe the washer and dryer is best for that maybe then you're drying you pubes with everything tho
yackippo: I just do all the towels at the same time usually works, however; you are on Tifu so perhaps a change is needed.
[deleted]: Your mom needs to change.
| 8 | 6.125 | |
1399829649 | 1399842149 | t3_25aj2v | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by cumming all over my jacket
So me and my girlfriend went to the movies last night but we decided to catch a later movie and go hang out in my car and eat Wendy's. Well, we layed in the back seat and cuddled after that and one thing led to another and we're fucking. We had been going at it for a good while and I decided to pull out and let it go. My jacket was over her lower region and when I went to cum on her ass it shot out farther than I intended and half of it went on my jacket and the other half on her ass.
friedjumboshrimp: What did you have at Wendy's®? Have you tried their natural lemonade?
L3ftyrocks89: We both got Frosties. They were nice.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1399831866 | 1399957747 | t3_25amb2 | t5_2to41 | 43 | Peanutbuttah: TIFU by taking a drink of water
At about 1 AM today, I was laying in bed with my girlfriend after a long night of drinking and smoking. She was having a little trouble breathing, so I got up to go get her inhaler for her. I come back and give it to her, and realize how thirsty I am. Saw a water bottle on the table in our room, grabbed it, and took a big swig without thinking much of it.
About 2 seconds into my sip, my drunk brain registered that something smelled funny in this water, about another half second later it registered that the smell was semen, and about .00001 seconds later, drunk me realized that I had just taken a big gulp of a water bottle my girlfriend had spit my cum in from a BJ that day earlier today. Spouted it up all over the room, gagging and regret ensued.
Tl;dr Accidentaly drank my own goddamn semen out of a waterbottle.
Today I fucked up.
PuddingAuxRais1ns: Well atleast it's your own sperm.....
[deleted]: agreed, much worse if it was someone elses...
stickflip: Or would it...
[deleted]: Sir, I like the way you think!
| 5 | 8.6 | |
1399833701 | 1399844729 | t3_25aox4 | t5_2to41 | -2 | prl65dky4089: TIFU by having too much fun at the hookah bar
There's a hookah bar in town near my university and I have friends who frequent it. Last night being the last Saturday night of the semester, I went with them. I'd never done hookah before. I had a really good time and it was awesome. I guess it left me a bit scatterbrained, because I left my ipod, which I use to text people. Got back to my dorm, used my tracfone to call long-distance boyfriend and apologize for not texting him back because my ipod was at the hookah bar. Didn't tell him I was going to a party, we had previously agreed the first time I ever drank would be with him and result in sex. I went to the party, had black cherry bacardi mixed with mt dew baha blast and it was awesome, he texted my phone, said he wasn't fine but wasn't angry and went to sleep. Haven't talked to him since, he's probably still angry because he probably knows I didn't tell him something, so now when he cools down enough to talk to me I have to make him mad again by telling him I drank. Shit. At least I had a really good time.
gillsware: Wow, that was a great story; please never tell it again. Who the fuck cares?
lookitupdear: That's rather harsh, don't you think? Was that comment even necessary? There are enough rude people in our society as it is..no need to follow the herd and be an ass, too.
Op, I'd say let it be. He'll cool down and see it's not that big a deal. Will it matter in the long run of your relationship? Probably not. There'll be other times for you to kick back and have a drink and all together. It's just a minor speed bump for you guys. Relax, Max. :)
| 3 | -0.666667 | |
1399836850 | 1399929979 | t3_25atjt | t5_2to41 | 23 | Probably_Not_Putin: TIFU by giving the Pizza Delivery guy a 90% tip.
So, today I was bored, and at home with my brother, as my parents were in the city. Its around two o clock, and I realize that I haven't eaten in about eight hours, and that I'm hungry as fuck. I had a small breakfast and didn't eat much dinner the night before. I was in the mood for pizza, so I called the nearby restaurant and ordered two slices and a coke. The order totaled to about 11 dollars with the delivery fee. I quickly grab a twenty dollar bill, and wait about 15 minutes for the delivery guy to arrive. He rings the door bell, I open the door for him, he passes me the goods, and i give him the twenty dollar bill. I thought he'd automatically give me change, but no such thing happened. Just as he turns around to leave, I realize my mistake, but I was too shy to ask him to give me change at that point. I could've bought two more slices with those 9 dollars.
TL;DR - Ask for change.
EDIT: Thanks for the advice. You guys are great.
absentplot: You didn't fuck up. Unless the tip was written as part of the bill or there was an understood delivery fee, delivery dude more or less robbed you.
Zooshooter: TIL: giving people money and regretting it later = getting robbed. Much like regretting consensual sex after the fact makes it rape.
[deleted]: If he had intentionally gave the guy that money then yeah, but he just took it...
Zooshooter: Did you read the same story I did? OP's lack of balls is the only thing going on here. You expect change, you should ask for it. "Beta-male pays for pizza and claims he was "robbed", news at 11"
[deleted]: Yes I did, yes OP is the one to blame for being a little bitch, but comparing this to a false rape claim is just ridiculous.
Zooshooter: How is it ridiculous, it uses the exact same mindset. "I regret it so it's now a crime".
[deleted]: No it doesn't, they're not even close. If a guy raped a girl and she was too scared to react, she'd be well within her rights to report it.
Zooshooter: No shit? I'm talking about, as you'll note I posted earlier, CONSENSUAL sex. Not "maybe she agree, maybe she didn't". Not "maybe she was pressure into it and legitimately didn't want it". I know the difference between rape and not-rape. Problem is plenty of girls lately think there's nothing wrong with having sex, regretting it after the fact, and deciding THEN that they feel it was rape.
| 9 | 2.555556 | |
1399837149 | 1400006618 | t3_25au14 | t5_2to41 | -6 | DeadLucky: TIFU by speaking without thinking, while at work.
Today, I fucked up by speaking without thinking through the potential consequences.
Sometimes, a fuck up is almost an accident, where it's really nobody's fault. This is not one of those times. I deserve whatever's coming.
I'm a server for a chain restaurant. My day was going generally well - lots of good tips because of Mother's Day weekend - but I had one last table that sat in my section for over an hour, just talking.
Usually, it isn't such a big deal. Today, though, I wanted to get their tip, finish my side work and leave.
The aforesaid table is a party of four, three women and a man (who I believe is a son of one of the women). He makes clumsy movements, almost never talks, won't make eye contact with me, and is doted on by one of the women. I am pretty sure he is mentally handicapped.
Frustrated at how late the night was dragging on while they continued to sit back and drag their feet on paying the bill, I began shit-talking the table to a co-worker, half the restaurant away.
I finished a sentence about how the three "obnoxious women and their retarded son refuse to leave my fucking section" just as one of the women plod past where I was standing, on her way to the restroom.
There was no way she didn't hear my stupid ass mouth.
I went outside to avoid returning to the table, hoping that they'd pay cash and not need change. No such luck. I shuffle over, and the woman who walked by me has her head in her hands, obviously uncomfortable. The other two women are laughing and joking, so I know she hasn't mentioned it to them, yet. They have a stack of banknotes on the table, so I go to get them change.
I needed three pennies but only had one, but figured they wouldn't care. So I got the rest of their change all together and put it down on their table.
Me: "The bill was $46.97, so out of sixty bucks, the change is $13.03. I've got $13.01, but I'll be right back if you want to wait for the other two pennies."
Woman who heard me: "We already got your two cents."
Fuck.
One of the other women, apparently, was paying, as I still got a tip. But I'm fully expecting my GM to get a call in the next few days about that overheard comment. That teaches me to let my smart mouth wander.
communistwithagun: I honestly wouldn't feel bad, unless you get in trouble for it. They sound like the worst kind of people, especially bringing their knuckledragger along.
Csardonic1: Yeah, god forbid they act like that retarded boy is a person, or something!
communistwithagun: Do you still watch a TV that's broken?
| 4 | -1.5 | |
1399840812 | 1399848510 | t3_25azl2 | t5_2to41 | 32 | NewBornZeta: TIFU by potentially killing someone and/or making their week hell
I work as a dispenser in a pharmacy in the UK and part of my job is to dispense methadone to people on methadone prescriptions. Basically, if you're a heroin addict, you can seek drug treatment and be put on methadone to help suppress your dependency on heroin. It also helps with abstinence syndrome. If you miss your dose of methadone, depending on how much you're prescribed to take, the next 24 hours can seem like an eternity of pain. Or so I've been told by some of the patients.
Anyway, a patient came in and requested their script (he's a patient who's been with us for a short time, so I didn't know him or his script well) then sat down. We were quite busy at the time, so I had to rush to get his script out in order to carry on dispensing other prescription items for other people in the pharmacy.
Once the place quietened down, the pharmacist was free to check his script against the methameasure system that contols how much we dispense to a patient. Basically, you just type in a quantity when you first receive the script and then check off when their scheduled doses are. The prescription said for this guy to have 280mls for 7 days - 40mls per day. 40 supervised, then 6 x 40mls to take home in bottles. The system only pumped out two "40mls" doses, so I called the pharmacist over to see if the script details had just been entered incorrectly at the start the schedule. He said it must have, so we manually made the machine pump out the rest of his 280mls into some bottles. I gave them to the guy and he left. Then I looked at the script...
It was for the wrong person. This guy was supposed to be on a higher dose and was only supposed to take home a dose for the day after, then come back in the day after next for his supervised dose. This guy's dose was supposed to be 50mls.
Basically, this guy is gonna be 10mls short every day for a week unless he just looks at the incorrect name on the labels for his bottles. Which he probably won't do, I'll be honest. He might end up injecting again this week. I don't know what's gonna happen to him. These doses are worked out specifically to the patient's needs.
I might even get fired for such a careless error if anything does indeed happen to this guy!
TL;DR - I gave a heroin addict on a methadone prescription the wrong dose for a week. It's quite a serious mistake that could lead to him being in agony and/or injecting again, and could lead to me being fired.
Edit: Added the TL;DR
The_Reezy: You probably have his number of the number of his care worker, right? I assume they can just issue him a new script to make up the amount he's missing. You'll definitely end up filling out a bunch of incident report forms for incorrectly dispensing a CD, but I doubt you'll get fired. Don't sweat it too much, everyone makes mistakes. I've made potentially life threatening dispensing error before. I was pretty shaken up, but literally everyone I work with came forward with their own TIFU stories.
NewBornZeta: The pharmacist said he was gonna chase up his care worker on Monday and told me not to worry about it, but, boy, am I still quivering about it. I've been a dispenser for two years and haven't made this kind of mistake before!
bigbytes: it's probably not as bad you think it is if the pharmacist isn't worried about it.
| 4 | 8 | |
1399840853 | 1400001140 | t3_25azn7 | t5_2to41 | 468 | Nucleotidalwave: TIFU by urinating on my girlfriend's sister.
Although this actually occurred a few months ago, the fuckup-trauma is still very fresh.
Anyway, a little background information: I rent a small one-room building on my girlfriend's family property. At the time, I had only been living there for a few months, mostly keeping to myself and trying to be productive. The house next door is where my girlfriend, her sister, and their parents live.
The day before the incident, I had a friend come over. He was planning on moving away that weekend and we wanted to have a good time before having to say our goodbyes. It ended up going pretty well, as we drank a few beers and talked about his upcoming move. However, I had to work early the next morning, around 7:00 or 8:00 AM, so at around midnight I headed to bed.
As my girlfriend and I are both adults with full-time jobs, and her mother is generally a laid-back person, it's never really been a problem if we decided to sleep together in her old bedroom at the main house. This way, my guest could have a place to sleep for the night at my place. So I went upstairs, jumped in bed with her, and passed out.
Nothing could have prepared me for what happened next. I woke up to frantic screaming, and I opened my eyes to see my girlfriend's sister in her pajamas, pointing at me and yelling into her cell phone. I looked down and realized I was half-naked, and in her bed; immediately giving me a jolt of adrenaline as I thought *what the fuck is happening?* and scrambled out of bed. At this point, I realized the person she was talking to was my girlfriend, (who was already at work) as I had the phone thrust into my face and was greeted by "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" My immediate reaction was to stammer in confusion, looking around as if someone would help me.
So there I stood, in my boxer briefs, being screamed at by two angry women, when I heard loud footsteps pounding up the stairs. It was their mother. Now she joined in, looking back and forth between the two of us and demanding answers. In retrospect, it may have not been the best decision, but all I could do was mutter a weak "sorry" and bolt out of the room, down the stairs, and straight to work in a state of frenzied confusion.
On the way there (I actually made it on time) I called my girlfriend and asked her what her sister had been screaming about. Apparently, I had been sleepwalking, because I have no memory of the following events:
First, I walked across the hall to her sister's bedroom, apparently in search of the bathroom, and went straight to her closet. I proceeded to hose down her entire collection of shoes with piss. Somehow summoning more urine from the depths of my bladder, I then did the same to her bed, with her in it. As if all of this wasn't horrible enough, I leaped into bed and grasped her from behind, Big Spoon style. Apparently I thought I was cuddling with my girlfriend, but her sister was not amused.
I did not show my face to her family for weeks, other than one awkward apology. This was one of the most mortifying embarrassments I have ever had. Her poor mother had to clean up the mess, the sister was obviously shaken, my girl was highly suspicious, and the sister's boyfriend (now fiance) whom I had never met, was threatening me if I didn't somehow rectify this monumental fuckup.
TL;DR I sleepwalked (presumably for the first time) into my girlfriend's sister's bedroom, pissed all over her room, her belongings, and her sleeping body, tried to cuddle with her afterwards, and then ran away.
I fucked up.
EDIT: For everyone saying either a. Those people are crazy if they're still mad at you, or b. you should make it up to them, you're both right. They are not crazy people who are still angry at me, and I have since gone out of my way in showing my gratitude for how graciously they handled the situation. As of today, I am on excellent terms with my girlfriend's family. My girlfriend, her sister, and her sister's fiance now regularly hang out as a group. As I said in the comments, this isn't exactly something we can laugh about yet, but all parties involved have handled this like adults. They realize I was sleepwalking, and I realize I can't just piss on someone's belongings or person without making reparations.
agnostic36: I know this is a real problem with some folks. In Florida a few years back a man killed his wife while sleep walking and had no knowledge of what happened. People have been caught driving while sleep walking and so much more. You should find out what your triggers are such as being stressed out, not getting enough sleep, alcohol. You may want to consider seeing a professional. Although your story is amusing to people on the outside, to you and your family it is a concern. Not saying that you will ever do something more regrettable than what you have already done, you may want to find out how to prevent this from going on. By seeing a professional with your gf it may help her understand what is going on and what she can do to help you if she ever sees you sleep walking. I could give you all sorts of advice on how to deal with it but you can just google most of it.
Nucleotidalwave: I appreciate the advice! It is very scary when something like this makes you feel out of control of your own actions. I actually think this event was triggered by all three of the things you mentioned: my job at the time had a horrible schedule which left me severely sleep-deprived and stressed, and the small amount of alcohol from the night before couldn't have helped. Luckily for me, I finally got my dream job a few months later, and I havent't had such an episode since. Also, through a few frank conversations, I'm actually on better terms with the sister and become friends with her fiancé. It's not exactly something we can laugh about yet, but we do hang out pretty regularly now. This is not at all to dismiss what you've advised though, as I agree it would be prudent to look into this matter either way; I'd hate to ever experience something like this again.
Protagonists: Whats your dream job?
Nucleotidalwave: I got hired on at a company that is not huge, but not quite a tiny startup either, to help further expand the business; I'm in charge of graphic design, marketing, brand identity, web programming and design, etc. Since we're not huge, I have a ton of responsibilities, but I love it because I work with some pretty cool science & tech every day :)
Protagonists: Wow man, thats amazing! Glad to hear you got your dream job :D
Nucleotidalwave: Thanks man!
| 7 | 66.857143 | |
1399842136 | 1399862756 | t3_25b1l6 | t5_2to41 | 9 | asdi29312: TIFU by being awake and alive today
This day fucking sucks.
- Woke up at 1pm, missed my nephew's birthday
- Went to dig holes in my backyard to build a fence
- Went to wash off and pushed my wall tile in, which doesn't have a backing on it. So it just collapsed backwards
- Tried to fix it, got worse
- Grout dripped into my drain
- Parents extremely pissed at me
- It's mothers day
- All stores are closed, can't buy shit
- and it's also raining, which is filling the holes I just dug.
This is pretty much everything that happened today.
I want to just die.
yolonoexceptions: Rough days suck and it is what it is. Vent a little today, listen to some happy music, and try again tomorrow. :)
EDIT: Someone in here is shadow-banned because it says 2 comments and only displays one. Go to /r/shadowban whoever you are for more information.
asdi29312: Thanks for the advice, thing is... I can't try to go to my nephew's 5th birthday party again or prevent my dumbass from not dripping grout into the drain tomorrow.
Thanks anyways. I feel a better day coming tomorrow. Lets all hope so.
| 3 | 3 | |
1399842755 | 1399864638 | t3_25b2g9 | t5_2to41 | 23 | flux_pavillion: TIFU by getting too drunk at a family party.
So yesterday, my family was throwing a party for my stepsister because she'll be graduating high school in the next week. And my parents thought, what better way to celebrate our daughter's graduation than a KEG! Yes, a keg. Our friends and family were allowed to drink, as long as they would stay the night to prevent drunk driving. And I thought, " What the hell, I might as well." My stepsister invited many friends, including a 9.5/10 that we'll call Julia. Julia was tall, skinny, and had the best body I've ever seen. She was also a lightweight when it came to drinking. By the time we were talking, I was already pretty drunk. I tried making a move on Julia, but I guess the best I had was going up to her and grabbing two handfuls of ass. She seemed pretty shocked at first, but she told me she liked it. Then the next thing I know is that I'm being dragged back by the collar of my shirt. By who? My own mother. She witnessed what happened, and needless to say she was pretty disturbed that her own son did that. I didn't remember any of that actually happening, I was filled in from my sisters on what happened. My mother sure got a hell of a Mother's Day Present.
TL;DR I grabbed a girl's ass while I was drunk in front of my mother, needless to say, she's unhappy about it.
jawknee21: Hahahah. Good story. What happened to julia?
flux_pavillion: She stayed the night in my sisters room, I woke up after she left. I apologized to her over text.
jawknee21: What did she say after that?
flux_pavillion: She accepted the apology and apologized to me for getting me in trouble
finklefunk: It is ON!!!
Samtoast: confirmed - she wants the D
| 7 | 3.285714 | |
1399843300 | 1399986274 | t3_25b3a5 | t5_2to41 | 208 | epatti0914: TIFU by giving a drunk girl a ride home.
This is long, but it's fresh in my memory so I don't know how to shorten is just yet. Okay, so this was last night and let me start off by saying that me giving people I know/people I'm friends with a ride home from the bar isn't really something out of the ordinary for me. A bunch of us meet at the same bar every Saturday to just catch up, sing karaoke, and of course, drink.
So last night, a girl was at the bar that I'm acquainted with named Heather. She's the type where we're friends on facebook, we make small talk whenever we see each other, but that's about it. She showed up alone, which isn't out of the ordinary at this smallish town place, and is a bit on the intoxicated side... so she ends up joining our little group.
The entire night she seems intent on having conversation with me and getting to know me, and for some god awful reason it never really dawned on me that I was being hit on... I just assumed that she was being drunk and friendly. My friends, of course, know better and start picking on me towards the end of the night that she never seems to leave my side. All well, she seems harmless enough...
When it gets to be about closing time and Heather is just flat out drunk. That's when she pulls out her car keys and starts heading for the exit. Instinctually, I try to convince her that driving home may not be the best option. As I said earlier, we're in a smallish town so cabs are pretty nonexistent. It's only a 10 minute or so drive, so I offer her a ride home. She makes this big deal about how she can't leave her Jeep there because her mom will kill her (she's 29, btw...) and that if I just give her a ride home in her car, she'll repay me by taking me out to breakfast the next day. Hey, free breakfast and I don't have to really be anywhere tomorrow! Who can say no to that???
We're almost there, and I don't think I've gotten a word in edge-wise the entire ride. In a span of 10 minutes, I pretty much knew her life story... but then Heather starts talking about our age gap (I'm 23). She treats it like some big generational gap and how inexperienced with life I must be. Knowing her alcohol level is probably pretty high, I just laugh it off. That's when she starts to mention that she can "teach me things." Oh fuck. She doesn't stop talking about it. Even when we get to her house (which I had to open since she couldn't even get the key in the slot). The entire house is a mess. Outside, it looked like a beautiful, suburban home. Inside... it was a trailer. I don't even think there was room on a couch for me to sit on, let alone sleep on.
I'm starting to get a really bad vibe, so when she goes to the bathroom and I start texting EVERYBODY I can think of to see if anybody's awake and willing to pick me up. She gets out of the bathroom and asks if I'm talking about her, because she can sense it since she's "partially ESP" (I shit you fucking not those are her exact words). Then she grabs me by the hand while saying loudly "OH MY GOD LET ME KNOW YOU MY KIDS!" God. Fucking. Dammit. After being dragged upstairs she opens the door to a room and flips the lights on and pulls the blankets of her sleeping daughters! What killed me is she just had this look of accomplishment on her face like "I made these."
Finally, a friend calls me. I pardon myself outside and start having a conversation with him pleading to get me the fuck out of here. He's piss drunk. Fuck. After two minutes, she follows me outside and starts trying to listen to what's being said while very loudly sipping another alcoholic beverage. She tries bringing me back inside in what I can only guess was her idea of a seductive manner. I decline saying that I hope not to offend her, but that I just remembered nobody was home to watch my pets and that I was looking for a ride. Heather gets up exclaiming that she'll get her keys and take me back to my car. WHAT? NO! This girl can barely stand.
I call another friend and explain the situation I'm in and that the other friend is slur-his-words gone. My assumption is that her "ESP" made her think I was talking about her, because she suddenly she was very angrily demanding that I get off the phone. As politely as I can, I decline and continue talking. When I turn around to check on her after 10 seconds of silence (the longest all night), I see she's right behind me and she tries grabbing the phone from my hand. It successfully slips from my fingers and the screen shatters on the pavement.
She starts to apologize and says she'll make it up to me as I pick up my now-damaged phone. That's when she feels it would be an excellent idea to kiss me. The very second her lips met mine I flinched back a few steps. Advancing towards me, she asks for another. "No thank you," is the only thing that comes out of my mouth.
"Okay, well NOW I'm offended!" she exclaims.
"I'm sorry, but I think I'm going to wait at the front of the neighborhood so my friend doesn't get lost," I answer back (nobody was coming, I honestly didn't know what to do).
"You should just come back inside," Heather cooed. She then lunges for my hand and physically pulls me as hard as she can to get me back inside. When I resist, she tries forcing herself on me ON HER FRONT LAWN! Bear in mind that I'm only 5'6" and she's 5'9", not the other way around. **The entire time she won't stop going on about how much disbelief she's in that she's drunk and horny and that I'm turning her down.**
I finally get free and I just start walking down the road. In the distance behind me, I hear her continuously calling my name and I choose to ignore it. Phone's almost dead, better start calling people while I can or I'm going to have a long walk ahead of me.
About 5 minutes after reaching the main road, a car comes by and almost runs up on the sidewalk and almost hits me! It's her! She's in her Jeep and driving me down! I thought that she had seen me and was trying to kill me, but it turns out she was just so drunk she had forgotten to turn the headlights on and just flat out couldn't see. She starts driving up and down this half mile of road looking for me to no avail. I call the cops, I'm done with this shit. I guess she went home, because they never arrested her. I know this because she kept calling my phone until it died.
Now I have a dead phone and my only option is to walk back to my car. I left at 2:30 and didn't get back to the bar until about 4:15. Exhausted, pissed, but a lot fucking better than I would have been if I'd have stayed. I might be second guessing the next time I offer someone a ride home.
**TL;DR:** Gave a drunk acquaintance a ride home, she forces herself on me, breaks my phone, and almost runs me over on the two hour walk back to my car. Would not recommend trying.
RedditRegisturd: Wait, so who was watching her kids? She left them at home alone? How old were they?
epatti0914: Like /u/Lehk said, she indeed lived with her mother, who was asleep in the room across the hall. One was about 8 and the other was still in a crib. I feel badfor them, though, if she is like this on a consistent basis.
[deleted]: Dude, just be glad you didn't stick your dick in crazy and end up with a baby.
SwaGaR: baybeez crayzeez?
| 5 | 41.6 | |
1399847185 | 1399847816 | t3_25b8ms | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally sending my multi colored poop picture to my mom instead of my numbskull friend.
My friend and I have this stupid thing where we send shit pics to eachother. His name is right next to my mom on my contacts list and that's how the fuck up was made cause I was in a hurry to gross him out. Anyway, I've had a diet of salad mixed greens and chicken lately and I crapped out this green and brown striped epic poo and it had to be sent. I was laughing so hard and accidentally chose mom and now she thinks I was calling her a piece of shit on Mother's Day.
Aayin: Is...is it weird that I want to see the picture? I mean, striped poo is not an every day occurrence. Sorry to hear about your mom. They are selling a lot of flowers today.
yes_it_is_weird: #
Aayin: I accept it.
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1399849741 | 1399917574 | t3_25bc67 | t5_2to41 | 25 | illmortall: TIFU by wishing a customer a happy mother's day.
I work at a supermarket and my job is to greet people as they walk in, give them a flyer, or answer any questions they might have. Since it was mothers day, i was wishing all older ladies a happy mothers day. But early into my shift, i wished this random lady a happy mothers day. BAD FUCKING CHOICE. She told me how her son recently passed away in a car accident that happened only a couple days earlier. She started crying and didn't know what to do so i was like [wtf am i supposed to do?](http://imgur.com/82h5lBB)I patted her back and she stopped crying. I hated my life at that moment
metalclassicrock123: Nice GIF. What's it from?
Minihawking: The Middle, a show on ABC.
metalclassicrock123: Of course, I should have recognized Axl.
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1399849095 | 1399874210 | t3_25bb98 | t5_2to41 | 51 | [deleted]: TIFU by openly discussing a sensitive subject
This actually happened a while ago but I've just discovered this subreddit and feel this story belongs here.
I was only a few weeks into my first teaching job, and was supposed to be teaching a lesson all about combustion to a group of students. Specifically how carbon monoxide is formed. I, along with the students tend to find this topic quite boring, so instead of teaching about how it is formed, I begin to have a discussion on how it affects the body.
This is where I should have stopped. One very quiet girl in the corner is considerably more quiet than usual, and all the colour has drained from her face. I think very little of it and carry on with my lesson. The kids seem fairly interested in a real-world application, so the discussion migrates to carbon monoxide poisoning. More specifically suicide. In an attempt to discourage any potentially suicidal students, I try to explain how death by carbon monoxide poisoning is a very slow process.
The students then start asking questions such as "does it hurt?" and "would the person suffer?". At this point, quiet girl in the corner just breaks down into tears, packs up her shit and runs out the room. Nobody had any idea what was happening.
Turns out a few months prior to this, her Dad had committed suicide using the family car and a hosepipe, and she was the one to find him. We are quite a small community and I didn't think anyone had been affected by this kind of thing so I felt comfortable discussing it at the time. She was a transfer student and there was nothing about it on her file so there was no way of me knowing beforehand. I apologised profusely afterwards and she was really nice about it.
TL;DR: Dedicated a lesson to the horrors of carbon monoxide poisoning shortly after a student's dad had committed suicide.
4eyes52: not you're fault bro, nothing you could've done about it. You handled the situation responsibly, I'm glad to hear things between you and her turned out okay.
ChemTeachThrowaway: Thanks for the kind words. Probably nothing I could have done but at the time I felt like I wanted the ground to swallow me up.
| 3 | 17 | |
1399852738 | 1399916188 | t3_25bgax | t5_2to41 | 46 | acesap: TIFU by blowing on my ice cream
I started my first real job today. Just graduated college a couple of weeks ago, moved to a city far from home, and today was going to be the day I proved I was a "real" adult.
I was nervous, which makes sense I guess. I spent all yesterday stressing about what to wear and say and how to act. I'm working at a big law firm as a business analyst, which I honestly don't think I'm qualified for. I was feeling a lot of pressure. No one wants to fuck up on their first day.
Literally was shaking head to toe what I showed up. I spent most of the morning with HR and IT getting forms filled out, my picture taken, etc, which I was thankful for, it wasn't stressful at all and definitely eased me into being at the office.
Then 12 rolls around and my boss grabs me from my desk and says he wants to take me out to lunch because its my first day. He's mid thirties and friendly, not in a chummy, "I want to be your friend" way, but in a professional way. Apparently he runs the office very strictly and expects a lot from his workers, according to the team I'm working with. He's also tall and attractive and intimidating, so I don't know, I definitely wanted to make a good impression during this lunch.
We go to a nice Italian place. I order a salad (even though I really wanted pizza or pasta) because I wanted to seem mature and didn't want to make a mess. I overthink everything at the table: how to cross my legs, when to drink from glass, what fork to use (the outermost one first?). Then we start really talking and we just sort of click early on. We went to similar colleges, had similar backgrounds. We crack jokes, I'm laughing, I completely relax, thinking it was almost ridiculous to ever be so nervous in the first place.
Then came dessert.
He insisted, said they made this great ice cream. They came out in little white ramekins and with tiny spoons and a mint leaf, all very upscale and fancy. But this shit is freezing cold. My boss doesn't seem to mind, but each bite is killing my teeth, it really hurts. So what do I do? I start blowing on my ice cream likes its fucking soup. And not just once, like multiple times, going through the whole dish, I'm pausing before each bite to blow on it. Because I wasn't really thinking and figured it somehow made sense. Like the time I wanted to smell what was cooking in the kitchen so I lowered the tv volume.
I didn't notice I was doing anything strange until my boss just sort of gave me a look, like a squint, a "what's that you're doing?" look. And I didn't know what I was doing, so I asked him what was the matter.
"Why are you blowing on your ice cream?" he asked.
"Because it's cold." I said reflexively, completely straight faced, coming off like he was the idiot for asking.
But his face was still confused and then it donned on me, and I realized that didn't make any fucking sense, and I got really red in the face, and I explained how I was thinking like how you blow on hot food, but then all my nerves came back and I was stammering and not really making much sense. He was good natured about it but our conversation sort of died after that, and I'm now confident he thinks I'm a complete idiot or just really weird haha.
I can't be the only one who's done this right....Right?
AAonthebutton: "What the fuck, aint you ever seen anyone blow on their ice cream?"
Turned the tables.
slingerg: "Hey everybody, this guy doesn't blow on his ice cream! What a clown!"
superstooper: "What a maroon!"
| 4 | 11.5 | |
1399857202 | 1399916453 | t3_25bmqe | t5_2to41 | 33 | flashywhistle: TIFU Saw my mom naked
So I go to bathroom because I need to take a shit. I check and the bathroom is out of toilet paper
"fuck"
So I go to the bathroom in my parent's room to grab some. I assumed the rest of my family is downstairs watching a movie. So I do one of those "Knocks on door but goes in before anyone would have the chance to respond" and I see my mom naked. Luckily she quickly shut the door so I only saw her for like half a second, but the damage was still done.
niquorice: Happy Mothers day.
superstooper: Every Mother's day needs a Mother's night.
| 3 | 11 | |
1399858270 | 1399921924 | t3_25bo86 | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to help my shipmates
So I'm in the navy, we do a lot of cleaning. I'm cleaning in my space as usual when a pipe burst and starts spraying brown water all over the place. I look at the pipe labeling and it says FIREMAIN, which is water pumped from outside into the ship. Now my ship is docked in a canal with brown silty water so I was like "fml this is like mud spraying in my once pristine space".
So being the good shipmate I am I secure the valve and report it what pipe it is. I start cleaning this fucking mucky mess with shred jeans I keep stored in a life jacket locker near by. Well 15 minutes pass and suddenly 6 people in fucking hazmat gear walk in on me cleaning this mud. Apparently it wasn't mud, but the pipe was mislabeled by contractors. No this was a sewage pipe..
I just stand up and say "fuck me right? No this makes sense cause I fucking love cleaning shit with my bare hands. No really this make sense, fuck my life". Apparently I have to get a few shots now too...
kjbrasda: Why do you keep shred jeans? Honestly curious.
metalclassicrock123: Work clothes.
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1399856890 | 1399892878 | t3_25bmbh | t5_2to41 | 73 | babyjesuz: TIFU Guys please, don't put your Cumpapers in the trashcan next to your computer ... Oh god ...
Well the story is, few years ago was about 14-15 years old. I hadn't emptied my trash for months. I had a couple of cans and papers in there, but I rarely put anything in it.
Just my cumpapers, What I did was that I just lifted the random trash ontop and threw the paper where the other paper was on the bottom so the papers weren't visible... So uhm, mom walks in and decides to empty the trash from the trashcan, I'm just sitting there playing some game on my laptop. When a couple of seconds later I realize. -> Oh holy f*cking shit ...
My toes go numb, heart stops and I stare at the fucking screen for two whole seconds. holyshitwatdoido.jpeg, My mind goes through the infinite branches of possibilities of the events that might occur. Decide to stop my mom, HUT, HUT, NFL tackle, motherfucker!
Slow mo, Run outside, I stop. Look at mom. Mom shaking the trashbin over the dumpster, Trash falls out of the bin, but the paper doesn't. The stickyness of the cum makes the paper stick to the top of the bin. holding it in place.
Super slow-mo now, Mom reaches her hand inside the bin while she turns to look at me, while smiling. She isn't looking at what is in the bin. I try to shout, " NO- ". She grabs the paper, fucking shit, she feels the stickyness of my semen, "OOOO-" She starts to Rush her hand out of the bin and shakes her hand frantically to try to get the rancid cum-papers of her hand "OOH ...". As she drops the bin, months of old cum-rags fall out and onto the ground OhGodthesmell.png. I can smell it from 4 meters away. Mom walks past me with a look of disgust and I proceed to pick up all the cumrags.
Now I have loads of friends on /r/nofap ,"oh, Hey gaiz!"
nomoredarkness: I'm surprised your entire room didn't smell.
BaphClass: It does. Parents can tell, man. *They know.*
doctor_please: Yeah they must have been able to smell the festering pile of cum napkins from down the hall
babyjesuz: Well, I mean, they could have noticed but they were concealed by the trash ontop ... But I did notice a smell I had never smelled before when she dropped the bin.
doctor_please: The rubbish on top would have had some kind of greenhouse effect. That smell must have been rotten when it was released. Have your nostrils recovered?
| 6 | 12.166667 | |
1399860199 | 1399965080 | t3_25bquc | t5_2to41 | 32 | juicypickles: TIFU By finding my friend's moms sex toy collection...
So not actually today but about 6 or 7 months ago i was at my friends house. Were both 16 and he has a brother who is 17. My friend had a soccer game so both of his parents were out of the house (we have been best friends since 2nd grade so we are very close and his parents completely trust me) and his mother is on the rather attractive side. His brother is rather lazy and sleeps all the time. He was in mid sleep on the couch and i asked where he had gotten the gum from earlier (he was chewing gum about 1-2 hours earlier). He mumbled "in my parents room in the drawer on the right). So i go in their room and open the bottom drawer (there are 3 drawers to their night stand). In the bottom i find just old pictures and stuff so i shut the drawer. In the second drawer is where it got very odd. I found the biggest collection of porn and lingerie and sex toys known to man. There was a bag of about 75-100 assorted condoms, dildos and vibrators like you would not believe, sexy dresses and outfits, DVDs, magazines, and probably the most elaborate and expensive looking dildo/vibrator ever. Thoughts of the items being used on the mother and father poured into my head almost instantly.
TL;DR Looked in friends parents drawer for gum, found most elaborate sex toy collection known to man
upads: Girl 28 here. I can feel your pain. I had the same experience back when I was 16 as well. Found my mom's vibrator collection. I stole one out of curiosity and...oh god the horror...used it.
When I came to my senses I realized what I have done and hid the thing in the deepest, darkest abyss in my drawer.
I am not returning it.
juicypickles: Yeah, it was an interesting experience but I found out she was a very kinky woman and that scared me more Haha
upads: I am trying to bury the experience into the forgotten zone without success. I am a closet bi- and dont mind imagining things with another girl, but with my mother...and why the f--k am I describing this in detail to refresh my memories? F--K!
Csardonic1: There's no need to worry, it's perfectly natural to want to fuck your mother.
upads: what the heck...?
Csardonic1: All of us have gone through it at one point or another. Even if it ended up being more than just the point...
upads: No I don't. I dont know how the boys think but I definitely dont want to be indirectly scissoring my mother...
Csardonic1: What else don't you want to be doing with your mother?
upads: Any forms of face to face contact.
She's dead.
| 10 | 3.2 | |
1399860476 | 1400287062 | t3_25br8u | t5_2to41 | 47 | The007Koala: TIFU by scrolling up in my mom's messages..
So I've had a TERRIBLE computer for about two years and about 6 months ago my mom promised to get me a new one at the start of summer. Well we begin ordering and it's all said and done up until the credit and she gets guilty about not telling my dad before ordering a 1600$ computer. So I was waiting for about 20 minutes and I ask her if it's a yes or no. She said it was up for debate but she got a lot of the info on it wrong so i went on her phone to explain to him what it was. Well after I scrolled up to see if she messed up anything else and saw:
Dad- "So how much is it?" Mom- "It's 1600. Dad"- "Does it come with a few blowjobs?" Mom- "It might ;)." Dad-" i might like this computer at the end of tomorrow night." And the regular conversation resumed. So now i not only have that beautiful mental image and reminer that my parents have sex, but I now know exactly what will be happening when I'm at work tomorrow.
tl;dr- I read over my parents future sex plans for tomorrow night.
Nathan_MacKinnon: Regarding the compuer, you definitely don't need to spend $1600 to get something good. Built myself one for $800 and it runs BF4 at over 60 FPS. Don't buy prebuilt, waste of money.
The007Koala: Nah completely custom, that's why it's so much. Plus I'm going halfsies on this, and I still don't even know if I'm getting this thing
Nathan_MacKinnon: Custom doesn't mean expensive my man. If you're ordering it from Alienware or XPS, you're doing it wrong.
ferthur: >Custom doesn't mean expensive my man. If you're ordering it from ~~Alienware or XPS~~ Dell, you're doing it wrong.
Dell owns Alienware, and the XPS line is Dell's performance line.
Nathan_MacKinnon: Right. I meant more as a blanket term in generalization to prebuilts, but you are correct.
The007Koala: Noooo the computer I have right now is Alienware and I agree it was a complete waste. I didn't mention though the fact that the 1600$ includes a new monitor, keyboard, mouse, mousepad and headset though. The computer itself is only around 1000$ so not too bad
johnnythornton: Those... bits and pieces should not be nearly so expensive. Keyboard-20 bucks. Mouse-20 bucks. Mousepad-Free. Headset-I don't actually know, maybe 60 bucks?
So you're spending 500 on a monitor?
The007Koala: No. I know that all of this could be greatly reduced price-wise but I just like the style of the keyboard and mouse. I really don't care what the price is as I rarely get an offer like this from my parents and I want to like the computer. Sure I could get a standard keyboard for 20 bucks, but I just dont want to. Plus it was the budget I gave myself when building the PC, and when I had the extra money within that budget I decided to splurge on the nicer looking options. It's more of an opinion based build
johnnythornton: That is reasonable. I should not have judged you so quickly. If you're gonna be spending a good bit of time on the computer, then it absolutely makes sense to spend a good bit of money to have one you like. I bought a cheap laptop 3 years ago and I'm still unhappy with it.
The007Koala: All's good, but I know that feel too well. Bought an Alienware gaming laptop around two years ago and it was one of the worst I've used. I couldn't imagine using it for another year
| 11 | 4.272727 | |
1399864753 | 1399875123 | t3_25bx4s | t5_2to41 | 69 | Sir_Ninja_VII: TIFU by not taking gas medicine
TIFU real bad. So today I went over to my best friends house for dinner, and it was going to be fun, until this happened.
A little back story. So today when I woke up I noticed I was having some pretty bad gas, and I kinda blamed it on the burritos I ate the night before, and expected it to pass. I was mistaken.
So it gets around 6:30 PM when I'm supposed to start heading to my friends house for dinner, and I screw around on reddit so long that it gets to be 6:45 and I'm supposed to be there BY 6:45 luckily she only lives a couple minutes away. But in all my rush, I forget to take the gas pill I was planning on taking to handle my gas. Bad mistake.
I arrive at their house and realize I forgot my medicine. I let out a few silent farts and hope nobody noticed. So we all sit down at the dinner table and I start having chit-chat with her parents(this is not my gf btw) and I start feeling major bowel movements. I dismiss it initially but after we started eating those spicy tacos, oh I was screwed.
About this time, were around half way done, and that's when it hits. My bowels cant hold anymore and I let out a MASSIVE fart. I mean like, earthquake size. I totally shit my whole underwear, like literally you could not see my pale ass. Just black. They all immediately turn to me as I sit there. Emotionless. Then they smell it. They kick me out of the kitchen to go clean myself up, but I sneak out when they send me to the bathroom. Also bad mistake.
The girl texted me about 10 minutes later as I was driving away and said "WTF just happened?" I reply and say "I sharted at your dinner table" she then replies back "we know, you dripped shit from the table to the bathroom, and from the bathroom to your car." At that point there was no turning back. If I went back all there would be was humiliation.
TL;DR: My bowels released the kraken.
imsoverytired: Wow I am so sorry. Hey, in 5 years or so you might have a funny story!
Lol no it'll be at least 15 till this becomes funny for you
tetrahydrocanada: At least OP knows that we'll find it funny right away :)
| 3 | 23 | |
1399863666 | 1399909702 | t3_25bvq5 | t5_2to41 | 123 | [deleted]: TIFU when shaving in the shower. Yes, it's what you're probably thinking.
I have been regularly shaving my stuff for almost 5 years now with no problems but today I was apparently more careless than usual. After finishing my shave job, I noticed there was a pool of blood forming on the floor my shower. At first glance, I could not figure out where the blood was coming from because I didn't really feel anything bleeding. After examining my erogenous zone I discovered that I had apparently sliced a huge gash onto the tip of my tool.
Guys, you would not believe how much that part of your dick bleeds when its cut. It's like the platelets don't exist in that particular spot. I stood in my shower with the water off for nearly 15 minutes applying pressure to no avail. The blood would not stop coming out no matter what I did. I finally got out and grabbed a roll of toilet paper and repeated the pressure procedure for what felt like forever, hoping that the massive blood flow would at least decrease. At this point, my towel, shower floor, and bathroom carpet are covered in blood.
I eventually decided to wrap my willy in toilet paper and secure it with a bandage. I figured if I waited an hour or so the bleeding would subside and I'd be able to properly deal with the cut. Nope. After an hour, I took my wiener wrapper off and the blood flow started right back up at full power, as if I had just freshly gashed it again. I repeated this procedure throughout the day until about 20 minutes ago.
Those of you familiar with wet-shaving and maybe even normal shaving will know what a styptic pencil is. Its this thing you apply to cuts that constricts blood vessels and stops bleeding, and it also stings like a motherfucker if the cut is bad enough. Guess what I did? I used that thing on my fucking schlong.
OUCH. The bleeding did stop though... for now. Here I sit with a Neosporin and bandage covered beef bazooka. Hopefully it's done for good now because I have 5 finals over the next 3 days it would be tragic if the wound were to reopen.
**TLDR; Be careful with your fucking razors or you'll chop your chicken off.**
Edit: haha, wow, it's my throwaway's cakeday. Wonderful timing.
Edit 2: it's been over 24 hours and the bleeding has officially subsided, but now I've got this giant cut. if it scars, I can always say I got in a fight with a dick-biting shark.
Wolfram9: I feel your pain man, I caught my scrot while trimming the ol hedge, with scissors... Fucken gets you attention.
henx125: SCISSORS?!
kylechloe66: I used scissors once... never again.
Wolfram9: Well to be exact I used these: http://www.amazon.com/Fiskars-9921-Softouch-Micro-Tip-Pruning/dp/B00004SD76/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1399901901&sr=8-3&keywords=garden+shears
It was all I had in the house... and well I caught a fold with the tip. I didn't give give myself a vasectomy or anything but, talk about an instant cold sweat.
kylechloe66: I thought i was risky with hairdressing scissors.
| 6 | 20.5 | |
1399865451 | 1399870033 | t3_25by1s | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting my girlfriend to blow me even though I had dick rashes
This actually happened quite a while ago reddit. I was a horny 16 year old teenager and we were both alone in a private room of a karaoke center. She was my first and well, last girlfriend I've ever had. Here's how I fucked up.
I had been jacking off a lot and I thought I'd try something new; putting my prick into a dry empty tissue roll cause I heard that it would feel similar to anal without lube. I was a really sexually frustrated loser back then. Now, I worked that mother good and it wasn't bad at all. But I noticed little friction burns on my dick which I thought nothing off.
The next morning, while I was taking a piss, I noticed these tiny rashes forming on my penis which I still, thought nothing off. Fast forward a week later, I'm in this private room of a karaoke center with my girlfriend, a lone. We started making out and she got on her knees and I was so ready to pummel her face with my stick of glory.
Just as the head was just about in her mouth, she notices the fucking rashes which had gotten pretty bad. Now, I actually had some genuine feelings for this chick but due to my inability to suppress the male libido and because I didn't want her thinking too long about the rashes, I grabbed her head and jammed my cock down her throat until her mouth was filled with my man juice.
2 days later, she calls to complain to me about the rashes that had been forming on her mouth. This is where I fucked up. I joked,"Well, now my cock and your mouth could be soulmates. Does this mean I get more blowjobs now?"
She broke up with me.
TheHiddenHand: You'll be lucky if she doesn't come back with the cops and you'll deserve it. You've assaulted her and knowingly given her some kind of disease.
[deleted]: I know. I was young and very stupid. She hasn't spoken to me since. This was more than 2 years ago.
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1399867015 | 1399903345 | t3_25c03k | t5_2to41 | 19 | upads: TIFU? Pissed off someone I shouldn't
This happened last Friday. I pissed off an important client by telling him that I have to ask for permission because the business he's doing is bigger than my allowed (The max transaction I can do is 3 million daily because I am junior and he wants to do 75). The client was saying how ridicules I am for not accepting a completely legitimate deal and he needs to consider weather he should close his account here with us. Half way through the conversation he slammed down the phone like how someone would drop the mic and walk away. A minute later he called back and did nothing but scream cuss words at me for an entire minute, then he dropped the mic again.
I panicked. This guy is our company's biggest client. He contributes to 3% of our entire company's business monthly and I am sure to be f**ked if I lose him by some stupid mistake. I cried and reported to the manager, he said he'll help follow up but my heart sank really, really low.
Lucy later everything is chill now. Later that day, came in person with a HUGE CHEQUE. It's so big, the commission I get from it equals to an year and a half of my current salary. He said he feels bad for being so stressed and hopes to continue business with us.
Received a letter this morning, I'm getting promoted along with manager. Buffet in a hotel tonight.
Morale of the story: Never turn down clients of anything legitimate, even if it's outside your boundary of access. If you fail to do the above, make sure he feels bad for you.
Update: THE CHEQUE HE GAVE ME WAS REJECTED BY THE BANK WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK
FINAL UPDATE: New cheque arrived and deposit is successful, trade settled and my account credited. I'm preparing for my vacation.
The007Koala: I don't exactly see how this is a fuck up if you got a massive payout and a promotion?
upads: I fucked up first. I cried my eyes out, then I posted the post in the wrong subreddit (posted it in jokes) and cried my eyes out more. Today I check my inbox to someone reminding me I posted in the wrong subreddit and I moved the post here, along with updates.
It's a fuck up in a fuck up---fuckception
witchling_22: With typos galore...
upads: *Flashes Asian card.
Me apologize for typos and mis-spell, I'm trying my best!
witchling_22: Honestly, it's not that bad, just wrong spellings of homophonic words such as weather and whether. :-)
In all seriousness, you did the right thing by staying within your limitations. Had that deal gone through, and then went to shit, you'd be damaged goods in your career.
upads: Thanks for the support. The client used to be served by someone much senior than me who retired a few months ago, and I am extremely nervous because I am on probation. The company has a strange rule that whenever you get a promotion(which is a few weeks ago), you get a 3 month probation period.
witchling_22: You'll be fine. Abide by the rules and use common sense.
| 8 | 2.375 | |
1399939384 | 1400347377 | t3_25c180 | t5_2to41 | 10 | sierrabravo1984: I believe you. You dun fucked up.
wax147: What is a rebound girl?
sierrabravo1984: A girl to fall back on for guys who just got dumped.
wax147: Meh. Why be with someone you dont find attractive?
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1399869645 | 1399897178 | t3_25c3af | t5_2to41 | 30 | cr0sh: TIFU by not checking the obvious before starting my vehicle...
Today I worked on my old 1979 full-size Bronco (with an automatic transmission) at a friend's house. This truck has many problems, so sometimes when things don't work at random, it makes me do stupid things; sometimes, it's a "perfect storm".
Well - I got done with everything and was ready to leave. I went to start the engine and...click. Starter solenoid relay clicked, but not the solenoid itself. Great.
So I looked around: I wiggle wires (it's a rat's nest under the dash), then I think maybe the emergency brake was doing something to the wires (another rat's nest on that side), so I release it. The starter still won't turn over. Shit.
I needed to leave soon, so I thought I would just bridge the solenoid to kick the starter over. Did that, still didn't start, but it turns over. Brilliant me then thinks "well, maybe the key needs to be in the run position". So I put it in position, then go back to the solenoid to kick it over again.
Now on my Bronco the solenoid is on the passenger side of the vehicle; I had also left the driver side door open. So there I am, in a not so good spot, when I kick it over...and the engine starts up...
...and the truck starts moving backwards, picking up speed!!! OH FUCKMEFUCKMEFUCKMEEEE!!!!
I run around the front, realising immediately WHY THE TRUCK WOULD NOT START!
FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!!!
I dodged around the door and hit the lever to park, but I was a bit too late; it backed into my friend's pickup that was behind it.
ARGGGGGGHHHHHHHFUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKK!!!!
Lesson learned: Make sure your vehicle is in park (and not reverse) before starting it. Also, I should have put the e-brake back on.
I called my friend right after it happened; he didn't seem upset, but I've offered to pay for damages or if he wants to go the insurance route or something - I guess we'll see what happens.
I still feel shitty that it happened, though.
markdesign: At least you didn't kill anyone with it...
cr0sh: Yeah, that's true; no one (or any animals) seriously injured or hurt. I later found that my spare (32 inch tire) is what hit his truck (mainly). Pushed in my tailgate, bent his bumper and cracked a section of his truck's (plastic) front grill.
It all happened in his back yard, and I was the only one at the house at the time (he had left with some of our other friends to go ride quads in the desert; I had to stay to work on my Bronco, though I was invited - maybe I should have accepted).
| 3 | 10 | |
1399857967 | 1651860220 | t3_25bnta | t5_2to41 | 6 | rondaite: TIFU by losing a vocabulary notebook.
I'm in an AP Lang class in my junior year of high school and our teacher has us keep a vocabulary notebook which is checked 4 times over the school year, and at each check 75 more words are due for a total of 300 at the end of the year. This notebook is cumulative however and you can't take any words out, if you lose it, you have to redo the entire assignment. An entry includes:
The word-Part of Speech-Definition
Exact quote from the source it was pulled from.
Also all the words have to be sourced and only 40 words can be pulled from any given source, so while it's not a hard assignment it's a time consuming one.
Friday we took the AP Lang test, i felt like I did okay, and my teacher reminds us that the last 75 words of the year are due Monday morning. I haven't started the last batch yet, but I know I can finish them all in about six hours if I work at it.
I forget about it until this morning (Sunday) at noon when someone on Twitter mentions it. No big deal, I'll start it at six. Six pm comes along, and I can't find it for the life of me.
I've looked for two hours and twenty minutes, it is 8:25, and I'm pretty sure tonight will be an all-nighter for an assignment that i wont even be close to completing. About to start word 1 of 300. Trying not cry...
rondaite: I guess since you had faith in me I may as well update.
I struggled through the night and got 175 of them done at four am and decide to go to bed. I wake up and coffee was all over it, completely soaking it. I can only assume a cat knocked it over.
I went to class after only doing 75, RIP grade.
99999999999999999699: Don’t worry, you can look back and laugh about this now! :)
| 3 | 2 | |
1399879628 | 1399908829 | t3_25ccrv | t5_2to41 | 94 | colonel_plum: TIFU by making fun of my classmate's loose hair
Recently discovered this subreddit and decided to submit a fuck up that will haunt me for years. Made a throwaway just for this.
In my junior year in high school, we had this classmate who we liked to pick on - I'll call him Remy just for the sake of clarity. Although he was friends with all the guys in our class, we enjoyed picking fun at him and he never got pissed off at us, so it was all some good, friendly banter among us.
One day, one of the dudes in our class decides to try and pull on Remy's hair. A good few strands came off, but not too much to alarm us. I join in on the fun and pull a bit of his hair out, too, and one of the guys makes a joke saying that he might have cancer. It became a regular thing after that, pulling out his hair and suggesting he had cancer.
Fast forward to around three years later, and I get a text from one of our mutual friends. Remy's in the hospital after doctors discovered a large tumor in his head. I'm told Remy already has Stage 4 cancer, and the tumor was there for a few good years but wasn't found until that time.
I'm hoping it's a cruel joke, but word gets around to people from our school that he indeed does have cancer and his health is going downhill at a fast rate. Some benefit events get organized to support him too, and our mutual friend gives me updates all the time about how his health is doing. Remy eventually comes to a point where he doesn't know some of his friends and stays in the hospital for an extended amount of time. I never got to see him during this time though.
Fast forward a few months more, and he finally succumbs to it. I go to his wake, and the first time I see him in years is when he's dead after battling cancer.
Felt a little bad, and some people joked that he died because my classmates and I made fun of him. I know it's not my fault that he had cancer, I don't blame myself for that, but I wish I knew better than to make a joke like that.
TL;DR: Pulled classmate's hair out, made a joke about him having cancer, classmate actually does have cancer and dies from it a few years later.
metastasis_d: If it makes you feel any better, your hair doesn't fall out from cancer.
colonel_plum: ...three years and I never stopped to think that it's chemo that makes the hair fall out, not cancer. Thanks, stranger.
mickeymau5music: "TIFU by thinking that cancer makes hair fall out"
| 4 | 23.5 | |
1399883417 | 1399893011 | t3_25cflu | t5_2to41 | 57 | hklauren: TIFU my nightmare of internet dating experience
Oh my god, I'm getting a flashback of my worst experience meeting up with a girl whom I never met from okcupid!!!! WHAT A NIGHTMARE.
Got to the girls apartment in Chicago (I'm in the burbs a good 45min away). Get to Priscilla's apartment and she is 2 bottles of wine deep. She starts blabbering away about her life story where she then burst into tears when talking about her life-changing moment when she met Louis CK. I immediately began changing contact names to "mom" and begging to get me out of there.
Every 10 minutes she would slip away to change outfits where they became more an more revealing. Finally, after getting a hold of a friend, we planned an improvised phone call where "mother needed me home" she didn't by it at first. Se then thought maybe this was a good time to pull me into her bedroom where her bed was loaded with fucking sex toys. I kid you not. I BOOKED it. She begged me to stay but I wasn't having it. I Grabbed all my shit and headed to the elevator. She ran out, stopping the door from closing upset that I was leaving.... I explained to her that my mom needed me to come home, she become understandable and then threw herself onto me, allowing the elevator to close behind us.
So hear I am stuck in an elevator with this psycho drunk for 10 flights. I finally get to the ground level and run out of the elevator straight outside where it began to POUR. I shuffle for my keys, "oh my god, THEY ARENT HERE" I began to freak out. I knew I had to go back to look. I knew I left them in my backpack. She had to have taken them.
Soaking up for what would come next, I called her and told her I needed to come back up to look for my keys. When I got back up she opened the door, again in years saying "FIND YOUR KEYS AND GET OUT!" After scrimmaging all the spots they may have fallen out I got fed up and asked her for them. Of course she denied this completely. She then took it upon herself to assume I came back for a round 2 make out session and three herself on me again! I didn't know what to do so I pushed her off and ran out of her place and to the elevator making it all the way back down.
So now I have no way of getting home and knew of only one girl in Chicago whom I recently had went on a couple dates with to pick me up to stay at her place until my sister came and grabbed me from the city hours later and pissed as fuck.
Never got my keys back. Never again okcupid. Never again.
robbo101: Ahh of course
hklauren: Ah, of course what robbo101?
atocnada: She found you on Reddit. Run!
hklauren: Hahahaha. It was two years ago! I doubt she found me in less than an hour
andylawa42: Never underestimate Reddit!
| 6 | 9.5 | |
1399877716 | 1399904103 | t3_25cb8b | t5_2to41 | 39 | [deleted]: TIFU by peeing off of my third floor balcony.
I've been drinking a lot of beer and for some reason, I thought it would be nice to piss off of my balcony. I had a nice arc going when the guy on the first floor poked his head up to look at me. I immediately halted my flow and turned off all the lights in my apt. I'm just waiting for this fucker to make a stink with the management.
Adzmodean: Some people can drink a lot and enjoy a lot of alcohol and not make really really, stupidly bad life decisions.
You are not one of those people.
You should either not drink, or limit yourself to a quantity where your decision making is not impaired.
oPocket: I see that you're perfect.
Please, provide us with more life-altering advice of this calibre so we can confirm.
[deleted]: Not being perfect is fine.. but this guy doesn't seem remorseful, he seems sad that he got caught more then anything. If I got my head pissed over/on and the guy who did it referred to it as "making a stink" when confronted , he deserves to not live in place where he is able to pee on everybody willy-nilly.
oPocket: Your perspective is definitely more respectable than what I first believed.
To be fair, it was an idiotic decision and all, but in retrospect, I think he's learned from it even if it's not the way most would desire him to. Even if he's not remorseful, learning that his neighbours aren't keen on golden showers may be enough to prevent him.
| 5 | 7.8 | |
1399891225 | 1399984970 | t3_25clfc | t5_2to41 | 4,326 | ScreamPunch: Tifu by letting my gf take me home after having my wisdom teeth removed.
This actually happened a while ago, but i fucked up bad...and its still not funny to this day. My family has had good luck in the wisdom teeth dept. My mom never had hers grow in, my sister never had hers grow in..and up until a week prior to this, mine never grew in..but all the sudden it happened and I knew i was in for a fucking nightmare recovery for a week (ive had oral surgery before and im a whiny bitch about it)
So i get there and im nervous and i immidiately say "please...whatever i say during this, dont let it leave the room" they agree and I go under..I remember being told to please stop talking a few times..but other than that..they kept their word and i had no idea what I said...oh but that is NOT the same story for my gf....she picked me up out back after I got wheeled out and this is her story of how it happened in almost exactly her words "You got in the car and I offered to drive you to get a milkshake for later, at which point you grabbed my breasts and started whispering "the wheels on the bus go round and round round and round round and round" and then fell asleep on my shoulder for about 2 minutes...we hit a small bump and you woke up, you thought it would be a good idea to get a new headset for xbox because yours is getting old, you then said that I looked like a jockey from l4d right now....but then as we pulled up to the drive way you asked me to have a threesome with my younger pregnant sister and pee in her belly button because pregnant girls turn you on...(they dont idek wtf) and you said you would slap her stomach like a bongo and you were donkey kong".
At this point i start to remember what is going on...i went inside and fell asleep on the couch...my gf was apparently pissed and told her sister what i said. She figured "drunk words are sober thoughts" more or less. So now her sister thinks im a wierdo and my gf thinks i want to fuck her sister all the time...reddit i have nome of these fetishes, and i have never had the urge to play a pregnant woman's stomach like a bongo..i can see how itll be funny in a few years..but reddit..it isnt funny now -.-
sorry for misspellings..im on a laggy phone :(
DandyPony: Your gf's lack of a properly wicked sense of humor is the concern here. This is magnificent material for a lifetime of painful (for you) jokes with family, friends, and strangers at pubs. You didn't do anything wrong; she didn't do anything wrong, but you both could do better for yourselves. Say good-bye.
ThisDamnSite: >jokes with family,
"Haha! Ben, do you remember the time you said you wanted to have sex with my youngest, pregnant daughter while you were dating my older one! Ah, classic Ben!"
The above is something you will never hear a father-in-law say.
inculcation: how about every time he gets up to use the bathroom they tell him where his girlfriend's sister is?
if he touches her boobs all she has to do is say "the wheels on the bus go round and round"
you really don't see the opportunity for good jokes here?
CuntyMcshitballs: The gf in this story sounds insecure, a bitch, or has zero sense of humor. Don't want to judge on such little info though.
[deleted]: A bitch? I don't agree. Especially if you don't have a lot of experience dealing with people who are out of their minds on anesthesia (which most people don't), hearing something like that is going to be pretty upsetting.
Maybe she handled it badly but try to give her, this woman you've never met, the benefit of the doubt.
CuntyMcshitballs: Fair enough I'll agree, but if she can't handle something which I personally find funny/trivial, life is gonna be tough for her.
ThisIsSpar: life is going to be tough because the two of you don't agree on something? I'm not sure you're that important to her....
CuntyMcshitballs: How am I saying I matter to her? You've just made that up. I'm saying if this is a big deal to her, when something actually bad happens she's not going to cope well. That's a fair assumption, I'm not sure why people disagree?
ThisIsSpar: Oh pull your panties out of your ass, this is the interwebs, don't be so serious.
CuntyMcshitballs: Bite me gorgeous. X
ThisIsSpar: ha - ace.
| 12 | 360.5 | |
1399898534 | 1399914033 | t3_25crw6 | t5_2to41 | 7 | BonedByTheMouse: TIFU by making expensive hotel reservations. My schedule changed abruptly so I couldn't make it. It cost me over $200.
I recently made hotel reservations at a Disney resort in Florida for our first wedding anniversary. Today, Monday morning (a few days before the trip), I found out that I wouldn't be able to make it and since I didn't know when I could, I had to cancel. Long story short, I play an important role at little start up, and even though we're doing well, I'm not exactly in my money making prime just yet, and the $200+ deposit I lost is not a negligible amount.
As I found out, Disney resorts have a 45 day cancellation policy. Since I made the reservation about a week ago, the money was effectively lost the moment I put the deposit down. Although I've been there numerous times with family and friends, I suppose it's safe to assume I'm not likely to ever step foot on Disney property again. My wife and I are not getting along, my mini vacation is not just cancelled, but ruined, as well as my first anniversary. Thanks Disney.
So yeah, today I fucked up.
jmgf: I don't see how Disney is in the wrong.
Daimoneze: I thought op was pointing out **op** fucked up.
jmgf: He is kinda blaming disney though. Or at least trying to make them look like a greedy company.
Daimoneze: I can't really say either way, but this **does** demonstrate greed on the part of company. Think about it, how could op have canceled within 45 days if they made the reservation "about a week ago?" Sure, this person should have researched the cancelation policy before actually booking the tickets (and maybe not booked them), but the company literally just kept this person's money when they had zero choice in the matter. That's terrible.
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1399902840 | 1399904786 | t3_25cx8r | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting banned from my favorite subreddit
This is the story of how I got banned. Well, it’s actually a very fun story, with cross subreddit drama and karmanaut, but you'll see. like with all Reddit stories, it started with a post.
I was browsing through /r/askreddit, one day, seeing the same favorite film threads, threads that require interesting usernames, and fap threads. Just a usual day. Then I started thinking. Thinking of what would happen if I made a post with a purposeful typo. How would the community react, what would they do? What jokes will come from the typo? So then I went to new post button, and typed out, [What is the incest way to break up with someone?]( http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/247ga9/what_is_the_incest_way_to_break_up_with_someone/) Little did I know that this first mistake, will lead to an hour of immaturity, followed up by an hour of regret
I logged back on to reddit 30 minutes later to see my inbox has been stuffed to the brim. Many people playing along with the “typo”, while others said that I was being brutally honest and that I actually wanted to cause incest. After seeing this, I decided to make an edit, saying, “I swear, it was a typo.” This was my second mistake.
10 minutes later, I checked reddit again, and noticed a mod message. Then “reality” struck me on the shoulder. I then realized that I was the creator of, and a big name on, one of the biggest Frozen subreddits. I then realized that I was treated way less of a person by this community [last time I made an extremely immature /r/askreddit comment](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/2303bo/redditwhat_was_the_worst_thing_you_did_as_a_horny/cgs994k?context=3). So then, I started weighing out my possibilities. I could either, A: keep it as is, and let all of the users, have their fun. B: Remove the post, and try to protect myself from the incoming hate. Or C: let the /r/askreddit users have their fun, while trying to keep the users of that Frozen sub-community away from the post. I decide option C. Saying “I, just can’t live with this. I will let you have your fun, but, please don’t tell my friends on (insert name of the other subreddit here). I click save. Making my third mistake.
One minute later, I started thinking that I made my mistakes, and that there were parts of the /r/AskReddit rules that I have forgotten. I quickly go on to read the sidebar. And then I read rule 5
> Posts attempting to promote a specific agenda of yours or anyone else, to **gain publicity**, promote a cause or charity drive, or to publicly shame a person or entity will be removed. Rhetorical and loaded questions will also be removed.
When I read this, I thought that it only applied to charity, and monetized services. [Well, that was not the case]( http://imgur.com/ij5iaM2)
**TO BE CONTINUED SOON**
TL;DR, immature "typo" goes too far. [WAY TOO FAR](http://imgur.com/ij5iaM2)
ASimpleMale: So which subreddit is you banned from?
[deleted]: /r/AskReddit
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1399904524 | 1400281877 | t3_25czka | t5_2to41 | 355 | zootered: TIFU by succumbing to a moment of weakness and entertained the idea of cheating on my girlfriend
TIFU. Big.
For back story, my girlfriend and I had been together about a year and a half now. She has terrible fibromyalgia, and hasn't been able to work. I have gladly been paying for everything, food, rent, her lady stuff, her car insurance. And then some months back my car took a dump and I was using hers- she couldn't afford it at all and wasn't working.
Now, I love the girl. To the moon and back. But the last few months she has been emotionally abusive. Calling me fat, ugly, telling me I'm a piece of shit for not getting a better place for us, not putting a ring on her finger yet. I quit smoking for her, lost 30 pounds for her, and have been working my ass off at my job to support her. All the while all the things she says to me are wearing on me. For gods sake, we ended up fighting at 4am on Sunday. It hurts beyond words to care for someone so much who is so unappreciative, and at the same time is doing nothing to help them self.
So, yesterday, I was out and about without her. I got a text from a girl I fooled around with about 4 years ago. And I entertained the idea of cheating on her. The conversation was mildly inappropriate. It just felt so amazing to get the attention I wanted and to have someone genuinely listen. I was never going to act on it. At all.
I got home to my (now ex) girlfriend screaming and throwing my shit on the floor. It turns out she went snooping through my laptop and saw the conversation.
I know I fucked up. I'm taking 100% responsibility and I have no one to blame but myself. I just can't help but feel like I was kind of pushed to it.
Now, I have no car, she's trying to keep my expensive bed and antique dresser, as well as all the furnishings for the room. She says since the car needs breaks and new window tint she should get to keep that stuff, but I left her my 2009 MacBook Pro. That's worth more than breaks and window tint.
Anyways. TIFU.
EDIT: Thanks for telling me what I needed to hear, even if I didn't want to hear it at first. I appreciate it a lot.
NightGod: Honestly, it sounds like you fucked up the first time you paid for her rent. Flirting with another girl and getting out of the abusive relationship was the first non-fucked up thing you've done in a year and a half.
dravere: The God of Night speaks the truth. Fuck the abusive bullshit. She had no right to go through your shit. Her lack of trust clearly implies the relationship is on the rocks. YOU did nothing wrong. You have a right to your property. You owe her nothing. Get your stuff back. Burn all bridges on the way out.
Go to http://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse
[deleted]: Now now. Let's not pretend its OK to sexually flirt with other people when you're in a relationship. That's pretty objectively wrong (regardless of whether or not everyone does it).
That has NO bearing on his stuff though. He could have brought someone home and fucked her right in front on his GF. Whether or not he did something "wrong" to end the relationship, has absolutely no bearing on his right to his own possessions.
FuckinUpMyZoom: its a girlfriend though, she doesn't get any of his shit when they split, and he's been paying her way, if anything I'd give her a bill for however many months rent to start and ask her if she just wants to give you your shit back and part ways the dumb cunt.
[deleted]: I would get my stuff back, for sure, *minimally* the macbook, those things are fucking expensive.
You cannot backcharge her rent though. You just can't. He agreed to pay that, and I'm sure he got some benefit (maybe she took charge of cooking,cleaning or whatever). Either way he agreed to pay.
I was in that same scenario awhile back, and it was super ugly. My ex owed my almost $2000 in **agreed upon** financial expenses. *always* agree beforehand, and *always* save all your receipts. Stuff adds up. It was about 2 years of groceries, cable bills etc. I never asked for rent money, because we agreed I would cover that until she found work.
FuckinUpMyZoom: the bill isn't real, sorry I thought that was obvious.
but she's too dumb to know that most likely. and it will remind her of the full sum of money you basically gave her.
it gives you leverage on walking out with your shit if she tries to keep it.
| 7 | 50.714286 | |
1399913279 | 1399915077 | t3_25dd97 | t5_2to41 | 4 | gellec: TIFU friend listening to my conversation with my gf
I was telling my gf about a bad embaricing dream i had and was talking cute to her. I forgot to mute my headset so my friend heard it all and was lauphing with my face. I told my gf he was lauphing with me witch made her also lauph with my face. While they were lauphing with my face it hit me how stupid i must have sounded and started lauphing at my own face. And now my friend keeps talking in the same way i was talking to her. I am going to hear this for a realy long time.
TIFU !!again!! "lauphing" at my stupidity
pink_sharpie: Grammar Nazi here..... aah fuck it.
Bitch_Karma: yea, more of a phonetic thing. close the eyes and just listen.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1399915500 | 1399999415 | t3_25dh17 | t5_2to41 | 32 | Shakenshake: TIFU by telling my crush of two years I had feels for them.
Let me give you the back story here, there's a guy I know he added me wayyyyyyy back in the day around 2009 perhaps through we had mutual friends and I went to one of his gigs. We didn't start talking until end of 2012 however. I was having a bad time at work and suffered with depression and he just, I don't know bought me out of it by talking to me and making me feel kinda like a human again. Flash forward to now in between that time we were off and on talking, messaging on Facebook which then went to texting and snapchatting. We flirted a lot and we exchanged a few "of those type of texts" he lives about 2 hours away from me so meeting up was always going to be an issue, he would suggest it and I would be down. But when I actually could he would go quiet. So my crush developed more and more until last night (after some wine) and some badgering from him, I developed the courage to tell him that I thought he was hot and I had a bit of a crush on him. By then it was about 1.30 and he didn't reply so I thought he was asleep. But he hasn't replied all day and I did text him this morning kind of apologising for my lusty outburst.
So on a scale of 0 to TIFU how much have I dun goofed?
EDIT wow guys thanks for making me feel a little better. I've cheered up a lot since
yesterday. He will probably be sniffing around again in a months time. Like always.
UPDATE. He text me a lot yesterday, but no mention of me telling him I had a crush. It was just his usual flirting talk and exchanging of photos. Although he did say how much he wanted me to be there with him. So I guess that's something right?
BostonADA: Can i assume you are young, like under 20?
Dont stress, lots of guys will like you- you didnt mess anything up by telling this guy u had a crush.
Shakenshake: 25 old enough to know better probably.
I just don't know. I think I'm done now.
BostonADA: was not trying to insult you by assming you r a teenager. Like i said, dont stress... most guys go through really embarresing rejection that ruins self esteem... you just got ignored a tad. Look towords the (bright) future :-)
Shakenshake: Not at all! I feel kinda silly at the moment. But a reply would of been courteous as he was "juicing me up" all day and evening. I don't understand it ever :( ahaha
BostonADA: just a random guess: maybe he is dating someone... he enjoyed the thrill and excitement of flirting with you- and then when it got too far- he got scared.
source: i've done scummy things in my past... and flirting is fun
Shakenshake: Sooooo did he like me or was it just like booty calling?
BostonADA: my guess is that he just liked flirting... b/c why else did he ignore your texts. But that is just a guess... who knows what other variables are going on in his life...
You need to put it behind you... if he reaches out to you eventually- he better have a real beleivable excuse of why he ignored you... otherwise he is likely just playing with your emotions. I'm just saying this b/c i dont want you to get hurt (again)... other redditors have suggested u2 just be friends blah blah blah... i disagree; he blew his chance to be friends (or more) with you. Again, assuming he does not have a very legit excuse.
Shakenshake: True, he would only reply if they were slightly cheeky or the premise they would grow cheeky.
I'm done with it now, like you said he's blown it.
Zak: Hasty reaction much? You might want to wait and see what he has to say before you write him off.
Shakenshake: Depends on how long I have to wait :(
| 11 | 2.909091 | |
1399915470 | 1400003547 | t3_25dgzb | t5_2to41 | 49 | unnecessary_bitch: TIFU by wandering into our neighbor's campsite
A few weeks ago now, I was at Country Thunder AZ with my brother and some friends. The first day we show up and start to drink as we set up our tents, and continue to drink until the concert. The concert was lame so we ended up leaving and going back to our campsite, and continued to drink. I ended up wandering around some of the different camping areas and blacking out. Somehow I made it home safe and in bed by 1 am.
3 am rolls around and I have to use the restroom (I am a female), and instead of making the sensible decision and walking the clear 8 feet to the Port-O-Potty on our campsite, I decided to wander through the tents, 20 feet into our neighbors campsite. I opened up their ice cooler. And I popped a squat. The neighbor woke up and came out of his camper asking "Are you pissing in my cooler," to which my drunken ass responds "No." He asked again "Are you pissing in my cooler," to which I respond, "Of course not." As I pull up my pants he looks at me and goes "You just pissed in my cooler" and I replied, "I just want to go home." So our kind neighbor helps me home into the blue tent. The wrong blue tent. Where this couple that was staying on our campsite, a couple that I did not know, where buck-naked.
I crawled into bed and laid my head on the pillow, when the male counterpart wakes up and whispers to his girlfriend "There is somebody in our tent," thinking I was in the right tent, and wanting to be sleep, I rolled over a whispered back "Shhh, be quiet." He whispered, "There is somebody in our tent," to his SO again, and I whispered back "Shhh, It's sleeping time." He then proceeded to tell me that I was in the wrong tent and I continued to deny him until I became more aware of my surroundings, I exited the tent with the words "You are right. I am the wrong here," crawled back into my tent and went to sleep, until I was woken by my brother's girlfriend yelling "unnecessary_bitch, did what in your cooler?"
tl;dr I pissed in our neighbors cooler at a music festival then got into a tent with naked strangers.
Mckee92: Wow. Err... maybe don't drink if you get that badly fucked up? I mean, that's pretty fucking drunk.
archimedes_ghost: No shit. I don't think someone would be at all enjoyable company in this state.
Mckee92: Yeah, I mean, most of us have had to do the whole hanging out with drunk people while sober thing, which isn't always fun and can highlight how boring drunk people can be. But this is outright, I got so drunk, I decided to be a total wanker to strangers. If you act like that, don't drink so much. No one wants to see or deal with that stuff.
| 4 | 12.25 | |
1399912218 | 1399960859 | t3_25dbgx | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by making my friend a social pariah
Okay, so let's start from the beginning.
I'm a junior in high school in Northern California. I have never had that much luck with girls. My friends said that it was because I was going after the wrong girls and I needed to find someone who was already my friend. I instantly thought of this one girl lets call her "Dani". She's incredibly attractive and was already part of my group of friends. I didn't know her that well so I started to talk more and more. She seamed in to me but I wasn't sure.
Here is where we get to the first mistake. I asked her best friend (my best friends ex) to be my wingman. She instantly said yes.
A few days passed then she came back to me with some exiting news. "Dani" was in to me. I got really exited but now enters my second mistake. I started to plan how I was going to ask her out.
I was going to ask her out Friday. We where gonna go see a movie and then go ice skating. But then I had to start psyching my self out. The normal shit that pops into your head whenever you do this sort of thing.
Then something odd happened. She didn't show up to school the Thursday and Friday after I learned she liked me. I didn't think much of it.
Thursday was okay, didn't think much of it. Still exited to ask her out the next day. But Friday lunch roles around and she didn't show. So now I decide to wait till Monday instead of just forgetting about it (which is exactly what I should have done). The next thin I know everyone and their mother wants to chip in there idea. In response I start to tune them out. I catch some tid bits here and there but one stood out to me. It was very offensive and made me angry. But I couldn't figure out witch of my friends had said it. Well I thought that was the end of it. I thought to myself it's not important.
I WAS DEAD WRONG.
That night the "Wingman" from earlier started to text me. Wondering about my plans for Monday. I told her that I wasn't changing anything. I was just going to ask her out.
But why stop there. We continued to talk and the conversation switched topics to our mutual friend lets call him "Gerald". Now "Gerald" is a dick, he fucks with everyone and doesn't apologize. I thought back to earlier, that unforgivable comment that I had heard. That must have been him. This is my third and major mistake, I tell her what "Gerald" had said about "Dani".
I might as well have said,"let the shit storm pour."
You see little miss "wingman" has some very lose lips. She tells everyone what "Gerald" had said. It must have reached half of our school before I found out that she was telling everyone about the terrible thing he had said.
How I found out was priceless. "Gerald" texted me. Asking for an explanation. Apparently my "wingman" had used my name while speeding this rumor, and apparently "Dani" had texted "Gerald" to confront him about it. I was shocked that something like this could travel so fast. But I texted him back saying "well, you shouldn't have said that then".
But there's the twist. IT WASNT HIM. "Gerald" even though he's a dick, had never said that. I frantically raced to text the "wingman" about this. I thought that if she could cause this she could fix it, which she did.
Good now everyone knows that "Gerald" isn't an big of a dick as everyone thinks.
I did not find out who actually had said this terrible thing until I texted my best friend lets call him "Thad". I was evil aiming this entire fucked up situation to him when he tells me,"dude. I said that".
I was paralyzed for a moment. All the shit that this mess had caused was my fault. My brain had fit those words to another mouth. And all I could do was apologies to everyone.
Well then I was texted by another friend saying that "Dani" even though she liked me, did not want a relationship. And at that point I think I cracked a little bit. "All of this fucking bull shit for nothing." But then I got really calm and happy for some reason.
But now it's Monday morning. I'm typing this in my first period. Waiting for the shit storm that will come very shortly.
Tl;dr I fucked up my friends life for a day for absolutely no reason
liberty71: roll him a j...burn one...and all will b well
cultivatorchris: Yup.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1399920836 | 1399928410 | t3_25dq6l | t5_2to41 | 5 | Narwal_Bacon: TIFU by laughing at 'Deep Throat' From the Watergate scandal.
roxya21: I would have too!!!!
Narwal_Bacon: Glad I'm not the only one!
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1399922119 | 1399962222 | t3_25dse1 | t5_2to41 | 36 | mudsling3r: TIFU by posting a picture of my aunt, thinking it was my mother on Mother's day on Facebook and Instagram.
Well, my fuck up was actually yesterday...but I think I was still really embarrassed. So, both of my parents gave me pictures of them when they were younger. The only picture I had of (what I thought was my mom) my mom, I thought I'll just post it and wish her a Happy Mother's day in Spanish something sweet(we are hispanic). So I post it. Then proceed to call my sister to wish her a HMD and she says, "Who is that girl you posted on your wall?" Fast forward a bit, I had to send it to my mom for her to look at it and she resoundingly told me that the girl WAS NOT her and was my aunt. I was so embarrassed. To make matters worse, my aunt is passed on, and my mom said to me "Well, she loved you like a mom?!" NOT THE POINT MOM! NOT THE POINT!
LeatherPinata: Lol at least your rents were cool about it
mudsling3r: Yeah, almost too cool about it. I was like mom, aren't you mad or upset.... Lol
CochinBrahmaLover: Well you didn't see them as children much. They will look rather similar as children, because now they share similar traits to their child selves, but look much different. So you'd simply see some traits your mother has, and see it in your aunt, and assume it's your mother.
It's really not a big deal - they shoudnt expect you to be able to easily tell the difference between your aunt & mom as children, you didn't see them every day when they were children!
| 4 | 9 | |
1399923141 | 1400039624 | t3_25du9o | t5_2to41 | 34 | Neckbeard_Jesus: TIFU by opening a container of Cayenne Pepper with my mouth.
This was actually yesterday, cooking my mother [this](http://comfortablydomestic.com/2011/03/05/cajun-chicken-alfredo/) meal for mothers day.
I was sprinkling salt onto the flattened chicken with my right hand and opening a new container of Cayenne Pepper with my left. I realized that the security seal was still on the container, and without thinking bit the edge of the seal and started peeling it back with my teeth. I realized what I was doing only seconds before the burning started, but by then it was too late. I jerked the container away from me and my spastic motion somehow managed to coat the inside of my bottom lip with the ground peppers.
I was lucky to survive, and wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for all the tips I learned from watching Survivor Man.
meticulousblumpkin: Can you share what you did to recover?
Neckbeard_Jesus: All I could do was rinse my mouth out and deal with it, honestly. I didn't have time to stop what I was doing to pout because I had 5 things cooking at once.
JA24: Milk man for Gods sake! Water's useless against spice
breasticon: Make sure to drink straight from the jug, too; mark your milk territory!
| 5 | 6.8 | |
1399927222 | 1399932428 | t3_25e1jn | t5_2to41 | 1 | SeanBeanLives: TIFU by buying a PS plus membership
So today I was a complete idiot and bought a PS plus membership from Amazon.com which being from the UK, I cannot redeem.
That's nearly $50 I won't get back, yay!
/sarcasm.
0nlooker: Set up an American account and use it on there. Then you can get the free games when they differ from the uk store.
SeanBeanLives: Thank you for this advice, I got Amazon to refund it for me in any case.
The games in the EU store tend to be a teeny bit better than the American store.
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1399927578 | 1399941679 | t3_25e266 | t5_2to41 | 30 | TRKillShot: TIFU by calling straight people 'normal'
Ok, so bear with me through this one. I would like to preface that I am for the gay and lesbian, trans, etc. movement. I have nothing against them. I believe that they should be able to get married, adopt kids, and all the latter. With that being said, here we go...
So, here I am giving a presentation on Pedro Zamora, Aids, and the beginning of the gay movement. I explain that Aids was thought to be a disease that only gay people caught, and further explain that when straight people caught it, there was a massive movement to find the disease. But, I didn't say straight people. I said "normal people".
Now I continue to give my presentation, without the slightest clue on what I said. The worst part is, I said it a couple more times. Normal people this, normal people that, etc.
So, during the middle of my presentation, one kid get slams his books on his desk, and get's up. He isn't just crying, he is bawling, hard. He then runs out of the room and slams the door behind him. There were loud gasps from the entire class, and a moment complete silence. Then a few of his friends went out after him. Immediately I got backlash from many students and even the teacher.
How could you say that? Prick. You need to think before you speak. Really dude? Etc.
I am still completely oblivious to what happened, and only after class did I get told what I had done. I immediately felt like shit, and promptly went to the kid, who I shared another class with, and thoroughly apologized.
So lesson learned...
swtgurl123: Aww man well at least you apologized. Did he tell you anything after you did?
TRKillShot: He was still pretty upset. He just told me that I needed to do more research and watch what I say. But it seemed like he forgives me.
swtgurl123: Oh okay. Well now you know what not to say.
| 4 | 7.5 | |
1399928195 | 1399955508 | t3_25e39w | t5_2to41 | 26 | carolinaredditor: TIFU by making a suicide joke
This actually happened about four years ago but the memory is still fresh and stings to this day.
A group of friends and I were hanging out on the first day of summer with nothing to do. Being an extremely immature 7th grader I said "what would you guys do if I just killed myself right now with this rope?" as I pretended to strangle myself.
Everyone gave me some weird looks and said "haha very funny" but I could feel some serious tension in the room.
I was informed a couple days later that one of the girls who we were hanging out with had walked in on her brother, dead, after playing the choking game.
Yeah. I fucked up bad.
Kevz417: Are you, Are you
Coming to the tree
Wear a necklace of rope, side by side with me.
Strange things did happen here,
No stranger would it be,
If we met up at midnight in the hanging tree.
Hackurtu: Why the downvotes people? It's a truly beautiful poem.
| 3 | 8.666667 |
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