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1399930183 | 1399935973 | t3_25e6qi | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by looking through my friends reddit history
My friend, let's call him Sam, was the one who introduced me to reddit. I knew his username for a while but never really looked into it, but today was a boring day in chemistry so me and my other friend, let's call him max, decided to look through it. Mistake. Nothing was unusual the first few pages then we started to hit all the porn. Weird porn. We decided to quit while we weren't too scarred, but before I did I noticed at the bottom a post by Sam in a nsfw subreddit titled "do you like my tan". And that is where I truly fucked up.
PM_ME_YOUR_ASS_PICS_: So what? A lot of people like weird porn. I like weird porn. He likes weird porn. Whatever. He should still be your friend.
Bueller967: Yup. I look at all kinds of weird shit. Nothing illegal, just not normal.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1399930498 | 1399936937 | t3_25e7bn | t5_2to41 | 26 | [deleted]: Tifu by going to the bar....let me explain
I stay out in Arizona with my work buddy and his family (wife and two kids).Im originally from California, but moved with my lady friend. My fiance recently left me and i've sort of been couch surfing since then. In a drunk epiphany, I decided that a trip back home to family was just what I needed. It was a spontaneous decision, so didnt really have much planned out as far as what I would do once I get home.
I figured taking the greyhound instead of my car (wasnt very confident that she would make the trip). So I packed my bags and left to California... I've been here for a month and a half, and it safe to say I haven't done ANYTHING productive. Eventually, I get a text from my buddy's wife. She's been wonderful towards my whole situation and has made me feel like home while on there couch. So when she asks if i'm willing to let them use my car, I have no problem with it. They wanted to come back to Cali to see a bedridden family member, so I seen my opportunity to catch a ride back.
Ok now that you've got the back story....So we planned on meeting up on sunday. I woke up sunday morning after spending the night at my cousins (it was a better place to meet up with my buddy). I had a couple of drinks to shake off the slight hangover, and it turned into drinking til 4 pm. I was supposed to meet up with my buddy around six/seven so I had a couple hours to spare. Cousin ended up suggesting going to the bar. And stupid me, I went.. I remember being there, buying a round or two of drinks. Then suddenly, i'm back in bed at my house. Its four in the morning, and i'm FREAKING THE FUCK OUT! I check to make sure ive still got my wallet, and i guess i unloaded that bad boy. Jaw feels like I failed at picking up someone girl, and no recollection of what happened.
So now im stranded in California with no money and Im the laughing stock of my family for missing my OWN ride.
It wasnt today, but i still fucked up nonetheless...
markdesign: You might have a drinking problem. Get your act together. Nobody likes a loser. Stop sulking in your situation and start making it better.
Hope that helps.
[deleted]: Have since stopped drinking. Figured the ride situation out as well.
Moral of the story was SUPPOSED to be that the bar incident was hilarious...
markdesign: ah, glad to hear it! =)
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1399940305 | 1399993636 | t3_25enho | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU By Letting My Friend Curse Out My Mom.
It all started one fateful day. I had just gotten some new speakers and wanted to show my mom because I thought she'd like to see them. When she came into my room to see them, I was currently in a Skype voice call with a friend. I told him to hold on a second while I muted my mic. But that wasn't enough. He took the opening and said the following words out loud in front of my unknowing mother: "shit piss fuck cunt cocksucker motherfucker tits fart turd and a twat". I left the call as soon as I could but the damage was done. My mother left the room, getting a good listen to the quality of my speakers through the filth that left my friend's mouth. I'm not sure how to approach my mother now.
Wclewis: Your name sucks, that is all.
[deleted]: I bet you like Toaster Strudels.
PutinInDetroit: theeeeeyr great!!
| 4 | 4 | |
1399940258 | 1400030514 | t3_25enew | t5_2to41 | 406 | g101010101: TIFU by getting fired from Google
Less than 2 months into my employment. I took my girlfriend for a tour yesterday, and for lunch. Contractors can't bring guests into the cafeterias. The food wasn't even good. I hope I can pay rent next month.
schwacr01: you were just a "contractor" and not a real live Google employee so your contract ended early. never say fired.
g101010101: thanks, asshole! Everyone knows Google treats their TVC's like shit, way to rub it in
edit:I took it the wrong way. I'm in a bad place right now. Sorry. Admitting my mistake. Thanks for the advice.
seasidesarawack: I think he was saying that for future jobs/CV/interviews, your "contract ended early" is a better phrase than "fired".
g101010101: I took it the wrong way. I'm in a bad place right now. Sorry.
G03tia: Don't be angry, friend. It'll be okay. You got hired at Google! *The* Google! Toss that on your résumé and keep truckin' c:
odiro: Honestly when putting jobs on a resume its not that smart putting a job you got fired from on since most business will check this kind of jobs to see if they potentiol employers says the thruth.
mkramer4: The correct advice would be to say "don't put jobs you only worked in for 2 months on your resume, because it will raise flags and you'll have to justify it".
Putting jobs you were fired in is fine, past employers will confirm that you worked for them but unless they want to open up liability for a lawsuit, wont say you were fired.
nyanwatchesyou: How would that open a liability for a lawsuit?
ziekktx: Different disclosure levels for different states. Some only allow such as, "Did he work here?" and "What is his rehire status?" The idea is to prevent butthurt supervisors from ruining a life.
| 10 | 40.6 | |
1399938979 | 1400028814 | t3_25elee | t5_2to41 | 18 | thisspaceexists: [TIFU] by sucker punching my best friends sister in the chesticles.
It's been about 4 days now and I thought I would share this. I wanted to post this to AskReddit to see if anyone else fucked up like this but I was directed here by a buddy of mine after I told him I wanted to post it.
My friends sister isn't really the Girl Next Door type of chick, but she has been around me and my family almost my entire life and I know her more than I know anybody else. I really like her but I'm too much of a bitch to let her know how i feel again (i asked when we were both starting out high school but she had her eyes set on some one else). I may have just ruined the past 14 years of my life with her.
I'm hanging out with my best friend, his cousin, my cousin, and his sister. We were planning on going to a bowling alley and then maybe the movies to see the Amazing Spiderman 2 or something else if it wasn't showing. An hour before we were going to head out, I was on Reddit and looking at /r/jokes when I saw that Whitney Houston joke about hand eye coordination. When my buddy saw it, he giggled but his sister didnt. Well he started to annoy her about it by saying "Get it? Hand eye? Whitney Houston?" and lightly elbowing her in the arm. She had no idea what he was on about so I stood up and sang it out.
Here is where I probably broke her chest plate because as I stood up I swung around and shot my arms straight out, resulting in a double punch to both jibblies. She stumbled back and fell to the floor. She brushed it off and then said she wanted to get something out of her room, ran away and slammed the door shut. My friend knows it was an accident so he's not upset about it but I hope I didn't cause her any more pain than I already have.
I haven't spoken to her since and my friend says that she doesn't seem too hurt but I really don't know how to apologize other than saying sorry for double punching you in the tits super fucking hard.
**TL; DR: Friends sister didn't understand recent Whitney Houston joke. Tried demonstrating by singing and dancing (?). Accidentally wound up punching both her breasts at the same time, knocking her on her ass. I think she despises me now.**
*Edit: Proof read, corrected mistakes from phone's auto correct.*
lunknessmonster: She probably went to her room to fap, most action she's ever gotten I'm sure.
ViolentThespian: Asshole.
lunknessmonster: No, probably her vagina.
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1399943218 | 1400085373 | t3_25erxc | t5_2to41 | 21 | FFFFF11111: TIFU By taking 10 shots in a little under an hour
(I hope this isn't cheating because it happened a day or so ago)
Bit of background: I'm 17, M, and I've drank a few times before, but never REALLY gotten drunk.
Last Saturday was my senior Prom, so per the norm I was going with friends and my girlfriend. Now, one of these friends (let's call her Y), I happen to care very deeply for. In a word, I love her. A few complications: it isn't mutual, she's dating my best friend and I'm dating her sister. Now obviously none of them can know or everything would just get fucked up, so I'm trying to contain myself during prom. Watching her and her boyfriend grind on the dance floor wasn't exactly easy, though, so I figured "I'll just get blackout drunk at the after-party, that'll help me forget my problems!"
Fast forward to after prom, there's a few bottles out and I'm the first one lining up for shots. First is Jack Daniels, which I take about 4 of. Next is vodka, which I take about 2 of (not a huge fan). Lastly, I take about 4 shots of different flavors of Ciroc. Long story short, I'm hammered and woozy pretty fast, and I am still aware of all of my problems. I go to the bed, try and fall asleep. Y walks over, still semi-sober, to try and console me since I'm off my rocker and talking nonstop. She asks if I'm alright, I say no. She asks why, and I tell her EVERYTHING.
After that I go to the bathroom to hurl for about 15 minutes, before passing out on the bed. Come morning, my mouth tastes like a sewer, my head feels like death, and I want to die. This was the worst feeling I ever had in the world. I ask a friend what I said last night, because I don't remember so well, and what I do remember I don't want to believe. He gives me a funny look before coming over to tell me.
As of now, I haven't seen Y since. I don't know what's going to happen
How are y'all days going?
HouseOfStark: oh i thought you banged her, this situation sucks while banging her would have been just great.
rinnhart: Banging *is* always better than blackout drunk.
HouseOfStark: yep yep
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1399943454 | 1400085326 | t3_25es9c | t5_2to41 | -11 | [deleted]: TIFU by smoking weed out of a moldy apple.
I made the pipe about a week ago and used it straightaway. I then left on the shelf above the sink. After my sister and mom left and I had the house to myself, I decided to have a smoke. I was a few cocktails in and my judgement must have been just off enough to make a poor decision. I loaded the old apple up with a fresh nugget of my in-laws medical grade weed and fired up. My last thought before the inhale was that there could be mold. My first thought after inhale was shit, yes mold. I had never before heated mold and sucked it into my lungs. I have now. Horrible. I cut the apple open to confirm and there were large growths at both ends and a bit in the middle. Now I'm waiting to see what happens. I'm high as fuck of course, and also paranoid as hell. I have the fear of hot mold disease growing in my lungs, as well as the fear of explaining to the medical professionals and my family when they ask me while I'm on the stretcher, just what the hell happened.
BrahmsLullaby: Reminds me of a time where I was eating out my girlfriend.
--Guys just listen, there's relevance.--
She smelt awful, so without wanting to insult her, I popped a jolly rancher in my mouth. In the course of performing oral sex, the candy had accidentally gone inside her. I used my finger to grab it place it back in my mouth and bit it. Only... it wasn't the jolly rancher.
It was the nodule of gonorrhea. The blister-like structure filled with pus. Bit on it. Yum.
So yes OP, let's be careful what we put in our mouths and/or lungs!
TheRoosh505: That is the grossest thing I have ever heard. Tell your SO to clean her nasty ass cooch
esearcher: It's just Reddit lore, "the jolly rancher story"
You can find most of the commonly mentioned stories (including jolly rancher) compiled here: http://www.reddit.com/user/Museum_of_Reddit
I don't know if the broken arms/mom/masturbation one is there, if it isn't, it should be.
[deleted]: Pre-dates Reddit. I heard that story with fruit pastels (UK) when I was in year 7 (2002)
esearcher: I know what fruit pastels are! Also, I don't think anyone is claiming that the story is unique to reddit, but it is, without a doubt, part of reddit lore.
[deleted]: At the risk of sounding like a total cock, *touche*.
^^^^jk, ^^^^I ^^^^always ^^^^sound ^^^^like ^^^^a ^^^^cock
| 7 | -1.571429 | |
1399942686 | 1399995511 | t3_25er3e | t5_2to41 | 35 | MichealGoves: TIFU by not having a dump before a house party.
This happened a few weeks back.
So I was having a wonderful Saturday, the football team I support had won, had an amazing work out at the gym and I was feeling super for the party I was going to later that night. As it was a house party there would be lots of girls and booze so was perfect for a 17 year old college boy such as me.
I planned to arrive for about 8 so naturally I began to get ready at about 7. Normally around 7 every day I drop the kids off at the pool, its almost a ritual as it happens everyday at this time without fail. Today however was different. I didn't even get an indication that a poop was on its way. I thought nothing of this and just continued to get ready. After showering and covering myself in lynx I was ready to go, I stopped off on the way to get a 24 pack of carling and then arrived at about ten past eight. There were around 40 people there so it was pretty packed. I had brought a bag that had my keys, wallet etc in and put in the room where all the bags were being stored and went down to the party.
The night was going fantastic, lots of beer, lots of dancing and a generally terrific bunch of people. After a few cans I needed to go for a piss so headed up to the bathroom to drain the little fella. I find out there is no lock on the bathroom door so found a mate to keep watch for me. Whilst I was weeing I heard that unmistakable and most dreaded of sounds as a turd worked its way down my large intestine and headed for freedom. It was ok though as normally I can suppress these back up into my body for a good few hours and at the time it was only 11:30. However as I finished up and went back to the party this particular fucker just wouldn't retreat. I kept going out of the house to relieve some of the pressure by farting but it didn't work.
Over the course of the night things just got worse and worse. I kept needing to piss and every time I went the poo would just get closer and closer to leaving my anus weather I liked it or not. Eventually, when I was dancing with some chick to pharrel Williams another piss came along. The toilette was occupado so I went outside to the garden to go. However I had a piss boner which made it harder to wee and the more I pushed the closer I came to pooping. I was in so much discomfort by now I needed to poo. I couldn't use the loo due to the risk of someone bursting in and seeing me as there was no lock. I was now touching cloth and needed to release this beast, it was now 2:30 and I couldn't wait any longer.
A minute or so walk away from the house is a little forest with a path through it and at this time of night there is never a soul going through there. I made a radical decision and ran there to poop, at this point I was so desperate and drunk that I gave it no second thought. I found a secluded spot, dropped my jeans and before I could pull them down far enough I sprayed out a nasty and painful, yet reliving poo. This sense of relief was soon replaced by one of panic and worry as I realized I had shit allover my boxers and inside of my jeans, plus I had no ass wipe to even attempt a clean up. And the smell was simply disgusting.
I was planning on just running home as it was only a ten minute walk but then remembered my keys were back at the party, upstairs in my bag. FFFUUUUCCCKKKK. Where do I go from here? After at least a half hour of just standing in the forest I realized I had to get my bag. I walked slowly back to the party in my shitty boxers and jeans and then just sprinted upstairs past a ton of people(I think my speed managed to hide what I had done) to look for my bag, it was completely buried under other peoples coats and bags in a room full of very attractive girls. I rumaged about looking for it with the smell gradually filling the room. Just as the first girl got a hint of this god awful smell I found my bag and just ran straight out of the house and home. I went and cleaned up, put my clothes on a 4 hour 90 degree wash and went to sleep. I new those girls must of known the smell was me, luckily I didn't know any of them so my dignity and pride remained protected. They just knew a random guy smelling of pure poop was in the room with them.
I have never been so embarrassed either way and have learned never to go anywhere at night without pooping first.
Tl/dr Didn't take a poo before a party, shat all over my boxers and jeans in a forest and had to return to get my belongings.
Ewindal: 17 years od and in college? How does that work? You kinda have to be at least 19 where I live.
MichealGoves: In the UK we start college at 16 and leave when are 18.
Ewindal: That's high school where I live. I guess it's just semantics. I was wrong, though, you can be 18 in college here, depending on when you were born.
[deleted]: Yeah, here we have secondary school from 11-16, then college from 16-18 and then university after that. Although only secondary school is mandatory.
Ewindal: Is everything after college called university? Because we've got both college and university here.
TankJr-: Yup. Basically what you call College is our Undergraduate University years.
| 7 | 5 | |
1399942826 | 1400211457 | t3_25erb2 | t5_2to41 | 25 | Shot_poot: TIFU By going in dry [NSFW\NSFL]
--Happened last year, recovered by now but still have cringe-worthy recollections.--
My girl and I had been together for about a year, but only sexually active for a few months. We got home one night after some drinks and got frisky. Long and painful story short, there was not as much foreplay as there could have been, and I after a few exploratory strokes, I "went ham".
Cue insane agony. Cue profuse bleeding from my shaft. Cue reflexive action to try to hold my poor bleeding dick together.
Turns out I'd torn my frenulum (the little stretch of skin on the underside of your dick that connects the foreskin to the shaft) quite badly. Only a few millimeters of hellfire-wrought chasm, but it was enough that I had to stand in the shower shaking for 15 minutes with blood running down my leg, waiting for it to ease up. After a week of antibiotics it had mostly healed up, but I will never subject myself to that stupidity again.
TL;DR Don't slide down a dry Wet'n'Wild tube, you will fuck your shit up.
Csardonic1: >the little stretch of skin on the underside of your dick that connects the foreskin to the shaft
What the fuck, somebody else on reddit told me that this isn't supposed to be there. I thought I was a freak that can never have sex without tearing my dick until I saw this post and googled "frenulum".
Shot_poot: It's apparently not that uncommon, differences in body shape and skin tension etc. mean that some people miss out (or in this case, luck out).
TheDurrKing: I snapped my banjo string keeping the line too taut to prevent splooging
edit: mispel
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1399951410 | 1399985871 | t3_25f4cq | t5_2to41 | 56 | xjammersx: TIFU by getting my boyfriend's pee all over my bathroom
So today, I decided to take a shower with my boyfriend. Before we got in the shower he decided to pee. I asked him if I could hold his penis for him as he peed. I held it for awhile and finally he let his hose go. Once he started peeing the stream split and it got ALL OVER the toilet. I start freaking out and I'm asking him what I should do. He's laughing so hard that he was shaking and I was whipping his double stream left and right all over the toilet and floor. All he could say was, "There's nothing you can do! hahahaha!" Not funny Babe. We got piss all over my bathroom.
NoFapOverlord: What the fuck?
Ghostwolf517: Some peoples piss slit can be like two holes from fusing together (had a friend with it)
supbrah1v1me: Or (more likely) residue from semen causing a splitstream.
JensonInterceptor: I assume OP is American so it probably circumcised. But theres a heap of random directions that the natural schlong can direct piss
supbrah1v1me: No thanks haha
| 6 | 9.333333 | |
1399949876 | 1399968012 | t3_25f23b | t5_2to41 | 31 | [deleted]: TIFU by Forgetting to Say Goodbye
The company was having a laid back happy hour like dinner, the whole office was there. That includes our CEO, and my boss. Due to the number of people we filled the tables from one end of the wall to the other (like 2.5 bench cafeteria table size). It was getting a bit late and I needed to go home to work on some other stuff so I get up to leave. I say bye to the group of 3 people around me and walk out. The door was on my side of the table (and I was on the end), so I don't walk past anyone else and neglect to say farewell to everyone else at the table or thank our CEO for the food.
I realized my mistake right as I got out the door, but kept walking.... whyyyyyy! I'm already not that good socially and now I'm afraid I'll be considered rude as well (because I was...).
tldr: walked out of company sponsored dinner without saying bye and thanks to the CEO
arfbrookwood: Write a letter to thank the ceo for dinner and tell him you hoo e to see him again soon. I don't think it's a big deal. ;-)
stupidnogoodbyy: Well, he's still at our office tomorrow as well and catering in lunch...just not sure if I should bring it up.
CochinBrahmaLover: I'd say either write the letter, or just go up to him now and thank him. Say you were feeling a bit queasy and forget to say thanks for the *wonderful* meal.
It's really not too hard and he'll only think better of you
Stitchikins: This.. It's one thing to say 'goodbye' and 'thanks' on your way out the door, but it's another thing entirely to go out of your way to personally thank him! Do it in person, whenever you can tomorrow, it will really stand out to him!
| 5 | 6.2 | |
1399955503 | 1400439872 | t3_25f9um | t5_2to41 | 20 | brainleech430: TIFU by being conned out of the last of my cash.
So I was at the gas station filling up my sister's car, because I'm a nice brother. And as I am doing so, this car pulls up in front of me and two men get out. One starts fiddling with the pump then walks the 100 or so feet into the grocery store. The other guy gets out, looks around then makes a bee line for me. He runs through his story of how he is from town X, and that his credit card has been declined from the 10 or so gas stations he's been to. And before he can even finish, I've dug out my wallet and thrust $20 into his hand. He gives me a fist bump and walks away. As I am sitting there thinking about how good of a person I am, I look over and see another guy filling his car, standing there just staring at me. About 2 minutes later it hits me. He went straight for me, the youngest person at the gas station and no one else. Son of a bitch, I just got fucking conned and now I have no cash. I got paid Friday so it's not a huge deal but still it sucks.
afkbrbrofl: I've panhandled for gas and made it across the country a few times when I didn't have the money. It was awesome. I always told people exactly what I was doing. "I'm going to see the country even if I don't have any money." I owe that experience to people like you. Now I have money and I don't need to panhandle so I give to others who are creating their own experience.
[deleted]: That angle would work on me. Tell me a story about the stuff you've already seen and I'll fill your whole tank.
afkbrbrofl: I was always amazed at how often people would fill the tank. Once though I was in Nevada at a gas station and there was this guy that was genuinely out of gas. He was waiting on a friend or relative to drive 4 hours to get help him out. He was pissed off at the world and stood there with his arms crossed. He was clearly upset. I sat there for hours waiting for gas money from anybody. Nobody was going to help because this guy was just standing by his car that was parked next to mine. I even told him if anyone gives me anything he could have it. I just wanted the guy out of there so I could get back to driving. He finally went inside to use the rest room and within a minute somebody told me to pull up to the pump so they could fill my tank. People love to help out other people but they shy away from the angry and the desperate.
| 4 | 5 | |
1399962938 | 1400012402 | t3_25fhhj | t5_2to41 | 3,958 | [deleted]: TIFU by having sex with someone I shouldn't have.
There is this ex co-worker of mine that has been flirting with me hard core for the last year or so. She's the extremely desperate type, always spreading rumors out of jealousy and flirting with everyone that she could. Well when I first met her I was in a relationship and she couldn't get past this and still proceeded to give chase. Well, my relationship of 4+ years ended end of last year and I've been single since, haven't really been interested in dating anyone else or anything like that. Most guys would like to hook up just cause such a long term relationship ended. I'm kind of the opposite. I didn't want my relationship to end, in fact I took it rather hard after. Anyways, my ex co-worker found out I was single and she's been texting me nonstop ever since. Was half tempted to change my number, starting to regret not doing so. Well tonight I've been in a fairly good mood, enjoying my evening, got off work with a smile on my face for once, went out to dinner and everything. Well.. I was sitting here browsing GW like a lonely bachelor like I am, and low and behold, she texted me.... I thought fuck it! I might as well, maybe this will be my slump breaker. Good... fucking god... She came to my door, dressed like she just got off of work, smelt like cigarette smoke and nasty tick tacks, and put on a little weight. I'm don't mind a bigger girl, not a problem, but she had some bad hygiene. Took off her pants to have the nastiest b.o smell fill my room. I didn't want to hurt her feelings, and I was kind of desperate, so I sucked it up and we had at it. From the start she let out some of the most horrifying sounds I've ever heard, never in my life had I heard someone moan like this, I started losing my hard on. I couldn't take it anymore, and I actually faked a orgasm just to get her on her way. Only problem with that. She thought I actually came and she came, squirting all over the place, and I mean literally.... all over... My bed was soaked, it made it to my floor, the shirt I was wearing was covered. It was the liquefied equivalent to whatever had died up in her vag. It took all my willpower not to vomit. Thankfully the lights were out, as per her request mind you, that she couldn't see the look on my face very well. We dressed and she said she had to go, she gave me a hug and a kiss and I walked her out.. But now I can't get the horrid smell out of my room. -_-. Lesson learned... Today, I fucked up.....
Edit: I've read all your comments and suggestions thus far and I must say, I never expected my story to take off like it did. I did get at least 20+ comments just on "roomers" lol. So to answer the commonly asked questions; Yes condom, faked orgasm 'cause of said condom (she never saw it afterwords), and I must have painted a good mental image when I spoke of the smell. Everyone seemed to suggest products that take out heavy animal odor. Lol. Made me laugh quite a bit reading your guy's comments. Well, if you've ever been near a vag, and she hasn't showered and worked all day, it was almost as bad as that but more of a really potent onion. I can only describe it as B.O. I did end up drinking myself to sleep last night. Finished a bottle of Jameson lol.
IntheLAND: Not so bad man, you gotta slay a few dragons before you get to the princess!
niggadnth8: that killed me lol
steelbubble: confirmed dragon by the U.S. government.
NarWhatGaming: Thanks Obama!
dipdac: Where is the ObamaBot?
aHistoryofSmilence: ObamaBot went Turbo on us...
creepingdeathv2: what does that even mean ?
aHistoryofSmilence: It means that I spend far too much time watching children's movies with my nephew...
seprify: We all know that was an excuses an you secretly actually wanted to watch it.
Micp: I have no regrets it was a good movie.
seprify: It was an epic movie.
| 12 | 329.833333 | |
1399942996 | 1399997626 | t3_25erlw | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU By forgetting someone went to a funeral.
So I was arguing with this girl in class, it was kind of a fight because I didn't really like her. Let you know I am in grade 7 and she is a girl who was a real suck up to the teacher and she chewed gum in class and I am a guy. She had been at a funeral for her grandma or someone earlier that day (which I knew but had kind of forgotten) so we were arguing back and forth about why we didn't like each other and whatever. Then this is where the fuck up comes, she said "Sorry I had a bad day today." But she was not like meaning it or anything she was kind of rolling here eyes when she said it. So I said, being kind of mad "Why!" Then she replied with "Do you know where I was today?" then I said "You were probably sitting there chewing gum!" I then apologized and continued to feel horrible throughout the rest of the day.
MadDogMax: This sub needs to not be a default, pronto.
Voyager5555: Seriously, I also feel bad because I found this sub like a week before it went default and was really enjoying....now, not so much.
| 3 | 1 | |
1399952722 | 1399996811 | t3_25f66d | t5_2to41 | 4 | FallenXxRaven: TIFU with a "Your Mom" Joke
Okay, so it wasn't actually today, but like 8 years ago. But I'll never forget this. I was 13 or so, when a kid I went to school with had his house burn down. His mom didn't make it out, she died there.
Well, a few weeks later, I was hanging out at the local youth center, talking with the kid. I dont remember exactly what was said, but being the 13 year old I was I replied with "Your mom is (whatever was said)", almost like a reflex, no thought involved.
To which he replied, "My mom is dead."
Lord, I felt like I could have fit between the cracks in the floorboards after that. I still feel about an inch big whenever the thought comes to mind. Luckily he was understanding that I in no way meant to insult him, but I'm sure that hurt. Bad.
Axim92: You're kind of lucky, I probably would've made that a lot worse. I'm kinda used to people responding to "Your Mom" jokes by saying their mom died (as a joke), and I'll usually 1up them on that.
FallenXxRaven: Yeah, the thing about that is it was no secret. I lived in a very small town (it was actually a village, technically), and EVERYONE knew. The school had a huge fundraiser for the family, the whole nine yards. If you were there theres no way you could have thought it was a joke.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1399969913 | 1399996718 | t3_25fn6m | t5_2to41 | 56 | [deleted]: TIFU - I wanted to grab the words as they spilled from my mouth. I can visualise it now, just grab those 5 words from the air and force myself to eat them. I cannot believe I was so stupid.
Throw away to protect the guilty.
As I bow my head in shame; I tried to stop myself as I said it but it just came out -
When is the baby due?
I feel a little sick writing it down. I mean, how many times have I said to myself, never ask personal questions. I must of gone bright red because my face was burning. The look everyone's faces was utter disbelief.
Reddit How does one back track from this insensitive blurt of shame?
Has it happened to you?
Jamesc1116: Worked at a candle shop. Had a woman specifically ask for a candle scent a man might enjoy.
I was trying to be friendly so I asked her if it was for her husband.
She replied:
"My husband died last week."
Ugh it was so awkward ringing her up. I felt like an asshole
ejambu: That is totally not your fault. She was looking for a man candle! And most people would not have so readily dropped that bomb on you. She could have just said, "No, it's for ____" so that you didn't feel like an ass hat.
Jamesc1116: I'm sure she was in a very emotional state. She clearly wasn't offending me.
ejambu: Yeah I mean, I know she wasn't blaming you for what you said and that her emotions probably had the best of her--I'm just saying, it wasn't your fault.
| 5 | 11.2 | |
1399975852 | 1399989213 | t3_25friv | t5_2to41 | 27 | [deleted]: TIFU in the elevator
Happened some years ago, must've been about 16 years old, but it's still one of the more awkward memories I have today...
My mom had just moved into a new apartment here in our country (Sweden), and I was helping her with carrying furnitures and various other stuff. She asked me to get something from the attic; her apartment is in a pretty tall building shared by multiple other apartments and a single elevator and it's in that elevator my fuckup will take place.
In order to get to the attic you have to get in the elevator and enter a key combination on a panel, so I was given the key combination and told what to do. As I enter the elevator, a man and a woman also enters who will be using it to get to the bottom floor. I had never been to the attic before so I was a little bit confused and I was also in deep thoughts as I had just been on a break playing some games that I was eager to return to. I enter the key combination, 8 digits, only to realise a few moments afterwards that it was the wrong panel, I had pressed the buttons choosing what floor the elevator will take us to... So I queue'd up about 6-7 different floors and you can't clear the queue. Worst part was that we live at the second highest floor in the building, so it's a long ride down... The other man and woman in the elevator just stared at me as if they couldn't believe it. Never before have I wished I could go invisible as much as that time..
[deleted]: So didn't you excuse for this? at least they would have some understanding.
Skolliex: I did to the best of my abilities. I was so ashamed and embarrassed at the moment my words probably just came out as slur. They seemed somewhat understanding and even laughed a bit; they ended up exiting the elevator and taking the stairs after patiently descending a few levels.
xaronax: You should always keep some of your mother's spaghetti in your pocket for these occasions.
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1399982490 | 1400508353 | t3_25fx6g | t5_2to41 | 181 | ThrowAwayForFap115: TIFU buy groping the wrong person.
I was heading over to my girlfriend to see her and my daughter for a bit, I had text her to ask who was all at hers and what she was doing. she repied "Just me, Daughter and Sister, but Sister is at the shop just now and I'm tidying up." So I walk in and see her standing at the sink, sneak up behind her, grab her tits and basically push up against her...her being her 15 year old sister. I shat myself when I realised what I had done but her sister burst into a fit of laughter. I was mortified, my girlfriend found it funny too thankfully. But yeah next time I'll call a name before I get all touchy-feely
duckvimes_: But... 15 years old...
mrfluggie: Legal in sweden *hint hint*
Fingebimus: I don't think so. Isn't it 16? In Belgium it is.
Edit: I was wrong.
mrfluggie: Except I said it was legal in Sweden, not Belgium.
Fingebimus: I know, I was just comparing. Is the legal age of consent in Sweden 14?
mrfluggie: It's 15, not that anyone is ever arrested if a 14 year old willingly has sex, just stick to the rule: Your age divided by 2 + 7, thats how low you can go.
Fingebimus: In Belgium it's between 14-16, you can have sex with others of that age, older than 16 you can have sex with others older than 16. I've never heard of a case involving under -14-year olds though.
| 8 | 22.625 | |
1399979667 | 1400018407 | t3_25fum3 | t5_2to41 | 29 | therowaway95: TIFU by liking a really old bikini photo on Facebook
Well to start off this actually happened a couple years back. I was on Facebook fapping to a picture of this attractive girl that I took to junior prom, when I accidentally hit the "L" key on my keyboard. I quickly unliked the picture, but I think she must've instantly received a notification on her phone. The picture was a few months old so it was probably obvious I was going through her picture albums looking for fap material. She ended up unfriending me on Facebook, and I don't think I could ever look her in the eye again... TIFU
MorningGlo-ray: What's the point of keeping old photos up if you don't want people to look/like them? Facebook logic is a trip
LeatherPinata: Because it's kind of a hassle to go back and delete old pics. Also there's a pretty big difference between your granny wanting to see pictures of you on your trip to Hawaii or whatever.. and like someone already said, a creepy chode like OP liking your bikini picture in the middle of the night
MorningGlo-ray: >...it's kind of a hassle to go back and delete old pics
No, it isn't. Just like it was easy for the "creepy chode" to scroll through your old pictures, it's just as easy to delete them and avoid the unwanted feedback.
People who are both naive and easily offended at the same time irk me.
LeatherPinata: lol dude.. I'm not offended. And not naive. Why are you acting like what the OP did is okay? Just because something is legal and possible doesn't mean it's okay. I don't really give a shit what you look at while jacking off but bikini pics of your facebook friends is lame as fuck.
And yes, it is a hassle to go back and delete shit just because you don't want OP jacking off to your pics. You might still want your family and close friends to be able to look at your pictures, if they haven't already seen them. Are you going to suggest going through and manually choosing who can view each of your pictures, based off a hunch that some people might jack off to them? Get the fuck out of here dude nobody's got time for that shit.
Bro, I honestly think you're just arguing for OP to be edgy. Or pulling serious wool over your eyes.. so I'm just gonna stop right here. Enjoy living in your dumbass world where you think it's acceptable to jack off to fb pics and think everyone needs to meticulously decide at every turn who gets what information on social media.
MorningGlo-ray: That last sentence wasn't directed towards you.
All I'm saying is you can't control what people do, but you can control what people see. That's all I'm saying. Taking preventive measures on Facebook should never be an issue, you know?
| 6 | 4.833333 | |
1399975853 | 1400007648 | t3_25friy | t5_2to41 | 92 | accidentalantisemite: TIFU by being a waiter prone to Freudian slips.
This happened to me a while back but I just found this sub and had to share one of my biggest fuck ups.
I am a server for a restaurant located at a popular beach destination. It was a slow and seemingly uneventful Thursday evening when I greeted the couple that would soon be the recipients of my Freudian slip. They seemed to be very in love and were surely celebrating a romantic evening. I often waited on couples due to the location of my restaurant but this couple was different.
The man was some sort of orthodox Jew and he was very traditional looking, a yarmulke was on his head and he had a long beard that was complimented by those over the ear hair curls (I don't know the technical term, google it) that hung below his shoulders. Interested by his appearance and fueled by the boredom that is paired with a slow night, my mind daydreamed and wondered if he put his ear curls up in spirals when he goes to bed like Princess Leia. My mind continued the Star Wars theme and imagined a fleet of Jewish Jedis travelling the galaxy together. It sure did make the night go faster.
The couple was my only table and their whole meal went off without a hitch, they even stayed for dessert and were having a great time talking and laughing. I was getting ready to leave and since they were done with dessert, I dropped the check book with the intention of assuring them that there wasn't a rush and I was merely leaving the check for their convenience.
My usual spiel is the same every time for moments like this, "I'll leave this here for your convenience, no rush, feel free to relax and enjoy the view". It is a beautiful view of the ocean after all.
I approach the table and say my speech just as I had done many times before except this time my guests looked back at me with confusion. Then I realized what I had done.
"feel free to relax and enjoy the... Jew."
I managed to stutter out "uhh uhh enjoy the view." and release an awkward chuckle before burying my head until they left, utterly embarrassed.
On the bright side, it turns out they still left me a great tip.
TL;DR Freudian Slipped, still got tipped.
FordCountryboy: Haha is ok I was at a garage sale with my father he usualy can make deals with people. So I found a old compressor that they had for 40 dollars so instinctively I say out loud to my dad. Hey dad let's see if we can Jew this guy down on this compressor. And immediately I felt dead stares look at me the owners were Jewish I instantly went to the truck and sat there covering my head in shame fuck my life.
EDIT: I'm new to reddit so I thought I would post some comments like all the others I see so do what you like with me reddit life for me is shitty anyways.
ChiefBigGay: That user name doe...
| 3 | 30.666667 | |
1399985395 | 1400003592 | t3_25g08s | t5_2to41 | 707 | fuzzzcanyon: TIFU: by jacking off with my headphones on
Ok, so this didn't happen *today*, but it happened and that is the main.
It was the summer of 2011 and I had just finished my first year of University and had come home for the Summer. My parents are separated and both have awkward living arrangements (my dad works out of town & my mum didn't have her own place for me to stay) so there was a plan put in place for me to stay with my grandmother for most of the summer. She didn't have any internet installed and so they even went as far as to get a 3 month contract with the suppliers so I would feel somewhat at home in my new, floral surroundings.
So anyhow, I move in my desk, iMac, speakers etc and after a few days of playing music & games etc my gran approached me and told me that whatever I was doing was too loud - so being in a position of compromise, I bought some new headphones. I was studying film production at the time and spent a lot of time editing my films, so I was due some new cans anyhow. So I made a point of buying the most anti-social headphones on the market, and landed on some real nice HQ noise-cancelling motherfuckers (you can see where this is going immediately). Everyone was a winner, my gran was left in peace to do whatever the fuck she was doing and vice-versa.
A lot of my nights were spent playing Football Manager until the early hours, with added bouts of Facebook & Youtube in-between. This one particular evening I had taken Sheffield Wednesday to the European Cup Final and was manic with delight, so much so I even considered suiting up for the actual final - yeah, I know.. So during one of my trawls through Facebook I caught a glimpse of a picture of a girl I used to go to school with, she was pretty, very pretty in-fact, but her morals were always very low, somewhere near her ankles, much like her underwear, I imagine. I sat up in my seat and felt the brush of my jogging pants against my pipe, sending one of those lightning feelings of sexual hedonism right through me, as if all of my sexual being had aligned like planets and stars. I knew my destiny, and it was to slap my ham, right there, right then.
I quickly searched out the first porn site on my mind and set about finding a girl who bared as much resemblance to her as humanly possible, which as most men will agree, quickly dwindled into me clicking a thumbnail that featured a girl with the same hair colour. The joy of having a huge screen is that I can pull one of the tabs to the left of the screen and the other to the right, allowing me to indulge in both pornography and a slightly out of focus image of my whore queen at the same time, hoping that during my session the whole thing will ripple dissolve into one huge, grotesque fantasy before me. I was ready.
I put the volume to just two notches shy of the jackpot and hit play, I even allowed for some build up to allow me the time to pull down my pants and position my feet and legs into a place of comfort. Fuck, did these headphones deliver! The quality was so high that if you listened really carefully between the pounding of adult flesh, you could just about hear the anguished tears of Melanie Rios' father hit the ground. I was in heaven. The whole thing lasted for what seemed like eternity, the rhythmic fucking, the swirls of moans through my ears, the coy smile of my queen. The ship was coasting steadily until something really fucking hot happened in the film and that was it, the countdown to launch began. There is no going back from this point. Mission control were pumping images into my head that I never even knew I was capable of thinking. I closed my eyes and could feel the launch coming, 5, 4, 3.. I was now doing everything in my physical power to delay take-off, just to make it all the better. And then, BANG. Euphoria. I was floating through space, mission accomplished. I still for some reason imagine Gary Sinise as Houston, saluting me as a tear fills his eyes. With my eyes tight shut and my toes curled into the carpet, I shot at least 5 ropes onto myself. There wasn't any need for me to care, I had a sock somewhere nearby. Once I had mopped myself down, starting with a little dabbing of the brow, I slipped off the cans and took a deep breath. I could still hear the whines of Miss Rios through the evacuated headphones and so I closed off the page. I was met by the eyes of innocence to my right, the Mona Lisa to my twisted art, she looked a lot less appealing this time around. I pursed my lips and gave a slight nod of appreciation as I closed her off too. Life was good.
Or so I thought..
I turned in my chair to leave the room for the bathroom, and that's when I saw it. A cup of tea sat steaming on my bedside table, beside it was a snack sized Peanut Mighty bar (for those of you that are wondering, a Peanut Mighty is basically a Snickers but less glamorous, you don't find them anywhere, the perfect criteria for any chocolate or sweets you're likely to find at your grandparents place.) This made the whole thing worse. At some point during take-off, with my eyes clasped shut, my gran has walked into my room bearing hot beverages and obscure chocolate peanut snacks and caught me shooting ghost ropes all over my creased stomach via the video of a latino in reverse cowgirl and a blurry image of a girl she's watched grow up with me throughout school. She had been shouting of me from the bottom of the stairs to come and grab the impromptu snacks and when I didn't respond, she got worried and decided to hand deliver them. If this isn't fucked up for any of you by this point, I'd like you all to know that my gran is basically crippled with arthritis and it takes her 3x longer to do things than most able bodied people. So after climbing what must have felt like mount everest to her, she reached the summit and found her grandson pulling himself around the computer chair by his own cock.
You never recover from things like this, I promise you.
EDIT: *I've just been linked a video from a Ricky Gervais skit that is basically the same story. I can absolutely assure you that this is 100% true, I have too limited a time on planet Earth to make up stories about my gran catching me beat off.*
2dccbpm31: This is the best written TIFU I have read ever. Congrats OP.
Hard luck on the whole gran viewing masturbation thing though.
Guinness2702: Yeah, bonus points for being soooooo original!
fuzzzcanyon: Are you just trolling Reddit for a reaction Guinness2702, or did you come here for tips on masturbating? This is a story, there are no tips here I'm afraid. But good luck!
KeenPro: I think he's saying like many others he read the title and knew a brew would be left beside you.
It's a common urban legend.
Guinness2702: Yeah, and [very old](http://www.snopes.com/risque/caught/cupoftea.asp) too ... \*sigh\*
fuzzzcanyon: Thank the lord for Snopes, for single handedly stopping any of the very possible stories on their website from ever happening again.
Guinness2702: Genuine or not, it's unoriginal was my point.
fuzzzcanyon: Apologies to you then, please bear with me whilst I tell you a completely original and un-relatable story from my life. How about the one with the dishwasher tablets and the cat next door?
Guinness2702: \* bear
HerpDerpMapleSerp: He said bear.
Guinness2702: Not that it matters, but it was "bare" before he edited it.
HerpDerpMapleSerp: Oh, that rascal!
| 13 | 54.384615 | |
1399987060 | 1399987653 | t3_25g290 | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by having sex with a random 18 year old french girl
I hope this time i'll learn my lesson.
Meeting strangers in clubs and bringing them home for sex
may seem like fun, but afterwards i'm left with an empty feeling inside.
I've had many one night stands in the last few years, and afterwards I always feel like shit, but I could never pin point why. Now I realise that I feel like crap after because having sex with strangers is not me.
When I am flirting with the girls in the club it isn't truly me, it's like i'm acting... playing up to a role.
The one positive of this is I feel like i've come to some kind of realisation.
I hope i'll learn my lesson this time.
In fact just as i'm writing this the 18 year old french girl text me, it's funny how life works.... I'm ignoring her.
hollandON: if you would answer her then maybe it wouldnt be a one night stand
Chris-P: "reddit, I fucked a girl who's clearly interested in me and now I'm ignoring her. How can I stop being a one-night-stand douche?"
Looks like you didn't learn your lesson, OP.
| 3 | 4 | |
1399984567 | 1400042571 | t3_25fzbh | t5_2to41 | 46 | gixxerk4: TIFU by getting my head stuck in my power window
I was parking the truck pretty close to the kerb, didn't want to scratch my rims. So as I'm pulling up I stick my head out to see how close I am to the gutter and at the same time I pull the power window switch.
All of I sudden there is quite a sharp pain, as my tooth pushes it's way through my bottom lip, then the uncomfortable feeling of tooth against glass. It took a split second to register what's going on be fore I can mash all the buttons in a fury to try and reverse my self induced headlock. From the pain I experienced, I thought I may have pushed some teeth out, particularly after the feeling of my tooth grinding on the window, which was like a gremlin dragging nails down a chalk board, only right inside my head.
Anyways besides a little embarrassment, I'm all ok. My wife thinks it's hilarious, as straight afterwards I had to pick up some items from the shops, while I have a gaping hole in the middle of my bottom lip and some 500 year old napkins from the glove box to try and stop the bleeding.
Voyager5555: I've never seen that spelling of "curb" before.
SquiddyTheMouse: It's the UK spelling of curb
Voyager5555: Thanks! Really had no idea there.
SquiddyTheMouse: Neither did I. We were always taught to spell it with a "c" in Australia, so I had to Google it to make sure it was the correct spelling.
gixxerk4: Wow. TIFU by almost spelling something incorrectly. You two are quite amusing.
SquiddyTheMouse: Dude. How *dare* you almost spell something incorrectly. That is the greatest crime against the majority of the English speaking portion of humanity.
^^^^^Am ^^^^^I ^^^^^funny ^^^^^yet?
| 7 | 6.571429 | |
1399987100 | 1400021256 | t3_25g2ao | t5_2to41 | 94 | [deleted]: TIFU by torrenting porn
So I didn't torrent it today but a few days ago and today my ISP shut the internet down and turns out the company behind the porn filed a claim. So now I'm out $250. Could be worse I guess. Looks like I really got fucked.
theusualuser: fantasti.cc
redtube
youporn
pornhub
xhamster
tblop.com
Torrents are for Game of Thrones 'n shit, bro.
Also, privateinternetaccess.com's Netherlands server is a good place to start for torrenting.
AwesomeT21: I don't even know why I tried torrenting porn. I guess because I'm just plain stupid sometimes.
xaronax: There's nothing wrong with torrenting porn. Torrenting anything without a VPN or seedbox is motherfucking retarded though.
xgalexyx: You sound like you know your shit. I'm told that if you don't seed it's significantly harder to detect, and often it's distributors which are prosecuted and not simple downloads.
xaronax: While that may be true, prosecution and getting your ISP turned off are 2 different things. One is super easy for them to do and costs them nothing. The other is essentially a waste of their time and costs them legal fees.
| 6 | 15.666667 | |
1399990368 | 1400092328 | t3_25g6p2 | t5_2to41 | -2 | I_love_pearljam: TIFU By being a racist asshole.
Today in American history we were discussing HIV/AIDS and the outbreak of the 80's and what most people attributed it to at the time. As we were going around the classroom discussing what people attributed AIDS to it became my turn to voice my opinion. So far people had said homosexuals, acts of god, and monkeys were the reasons aids began, and I could have just continued the trend but no. I just couldn't do that. I promptly and firmly said that black people were in fact what people attributed HIV/AIDS to. Oh the looks of terror on every body in the class room. There were gasps, looks of awe, and people shouting "RACIST, RACIST!!!" Let's just say I won't be answering any more questions this year.
[deleted]: Stereotypes != Racism
Voyager5555: "Racism is actions, practices or beliefs, or social or political systems that consider different races to be ranked as inherently superior or inferior to each other, **based on presumed shared inheritable traits, abilities, or qualities**." - AKA stereotypes.
[deleted]: The existence of **presumed shared inheritable traits, abilities or qualities** != the ranking of these qualities as being better or worse than others. OP was simply stating that many black people such as those who live in Africa do in fact have HIV/AIDS, not that they are better or worse than any other race. Therefore it is a completely acceptable and not at all racist association.
| 4 | -0.5 | |
1399988294 | 1400045748 | t3_25g3u3 | t5_2to41 | 40 | Poet-Laureate: TIFU by not referencing in my Essay.
So last week I was doing an essay, and I was very, very sleep deprived. In my semi-concious state I ended up submitting a preliminary copy of my essay that did not contain some footnotes that reference an essay I was looking at.
Yesterday I received an email asking for a meeting from my University, along the subject lines of Plagiarism in my essay. Essentially I have no proof that I didn't just add footnotes when I got the email, but I can assure you it was a genuine mistake. I may get kicked out of Uni and as I'm in second year, this is not ideal.
TL;DR: Forgot to footnote. Getting called in for Plagiarising. Could be expelled.
EDIT: I just want to thank you all for the advice. I'll try and see if I have a last edited thing, but it's whether or not they believe that. I'll also be bringing in the actual copy I should have submitted to show them it was just human error. They also can compare my other work, and see that this is the first time I've fucked up horrendously.
fredinvisible: This is why you should reference as soon as you use something. And I mean as soon as. You should also look into using a citation manager if you don't already, then you can simply add sources as you find them.
whatsmineismine: What is this magic you speak of?
[deleted]: Check out Zotero.
There are paid apps like EndNote or Mendeley too if you don't like that one.
fredinvisible: Mendeley is free, it's the one I used to use. Now I use BibDesk, but that's more useful if you use LaTeX.
| 5 | 8 | |
1399951730 | 1400083421 | t3_25f4tt | t5_2to41 | 7 | HouseOfStark: TIFU going out to a Club night before Pharmacy school interview.
So a couple months ago i had an interview with a Pharmacy school down in Florida which i had to fly down for. Since i haven't taken a vacation for a while i decided that i'd stay for a couple of days.
While i was down there my two friends were going on a spring break cruise and were surprisingly in the area ,only 30min away, from my interviewing area. So being spring break in Fort Lauderdale and actually having friends from my home town around, we decide to go out before their cruise starts. I thought we would get a couple of drinks and head home pretty early b/c they needed to get up early, as did I. So we meet a couple of girls at a bar and they suggest that we go to a club called Off the Hookah a couple of blocks down the road and to that we just totally agree b/c they were hot. I end up getting drunk and making out and grinding with a killer petite blonde chick from NY for the whole night. Enjoying the night way too much i forget i have to be up at 6am and iron my suit and get everything ready for the 7am interview.
Long story short i get back to my condo at 430 am drunk as hell and basically get a nap only to wake up at 6 and not iron my suit and my hair looks like shit (it's long and takes time). I arrive late and interrupt our guides speech that she's giving the interviewee's. Worst part of all, they have a short physical and biological test at the interview that i wasn't aware of until someone mentioned it while we were waiting for our interviewers. My interviewers were 3, and 2 of them with foreign accents so i had to ask them what they were saying at least 15 times, and my short test was a lot of guessing. I looked like shit compared to a bunch of people that were well dressed and had all their shit together.
I had to wait 2 months, which felt like ever b/c if you miss your chance with the fall admission you have to wait a whole year prior to reapplying. Took 2 months b/c of their class size is only 75 and ~2,000 applicants.
TL/DR: Spring break partying before interview, everything goes wrong i make an ass of myself, have to wait for the longest 2 months of my life to see if i didn't miss a year of my life. All worked out in the end though.
PutinInDetroit: nice. we celebrated my friends birthday at a casino once. took xanax and drank at least 15 shot thru out the night. i went from the casino straight to work, still drunk and fucked up. yellled at the maintnance guy cuz he was a dick. fortunatly no one noticed that i was still drunk.
HouseOfStark: yeah hangovers suck and working afterwards always sucks even more. Yeah luckily for you no one noticed you're drunk haha.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1399994045 | 1400021870 | t3_25gch6 | t5_2to41 | 80 | no_front_teeth: TIFU by loudly moaning "Nick."
My wife's brother is named Nick.
One day last week, she introduced me to her hot office mate named Monique.
The next day, I was taking a shower and was also masturbating using the shower-head.
I was doing the boss-secretary mind play.
Unbeknownst to me, she was walking right by the door when I climaxed.
It was so good that I had one of those stomach-collapsing, leg-weakening, and head-spinning kind of release.
I called Monique's name out loud unintentionally.
All she heard was "Nick!"
pink_sharpie: ELI5: masturbating using the shower-head.
Voyager5555: For a guy? Absolutely no idea though I guess the pressure could feel good.
I_am_chris_dorner: Water in the anus.
[deleted]: Side effects may include anal leakage
| 5 | 16 | |
1399995159 | 1400103884 | t3_25gebi | t5_2to41 | 3,097 | I_NEED_FRIENDS: TIFU by skyping with my ex.
So, I'm skyping with my ex girlfriend for the first time since we broke up four months ago, we had finally been able to talk about things after awhile. We're both talking about how we miss each other, you know, that teenage shit. I'm on my desktop, with my headphones plugged in, browsing Reddit /r/gifs whilst she continues to tell me about how she missed me. After awhile, we start talking about seeing each other.
The conversation begins to get more intimate, next thing you know she wants to see me. She's 45 minutes away and it's nearly 12AM, we decide to quickly cam. I turn on my cam and she does too. I minimize Reddit. About forty minutes later, she flashes her tits. I haven't had sex, nor any female physical contact in four months. Instant, rock hard erection to say the least. She notices, and begins begging me to jerk off. Of course I'm going to, she takes off her top, and I flop out my cock.
I was a bit nervous, my computers right infront the door, if anyone was to walk in, they'd see me jerking it. I kept assuring myself, it's nearly 2AM, everyone's asleep.
I'm close to cumming, edging if anything. I begin to hear my door slowly open (fuck carpet, no footsteps heard).. I quickly hangup and switch the browser to Reddit, back to [this]
(http://i.imgur.com/njv8n.gif).
I look back, to see my father, his eyes in shock, as if he witnessed his son die before him. As I quickly put my pants back on, I have no fucking idea but my cock decides to climax, cum lands all over the floor, in a matter of seconds. Right in-front of my dad.
He didn't say anything, but I'm sure he's confused what the fuck I'm doing.. What in the fuck do I do? I think he believes I beat it to priests fighting guys in white tuxedos.
**TL;DR : Dad caught me jerking off, might believe I beat it to priests fighting guys in white tuxedos.**
edit : I'm glad my misfortune provided some of you with laughs! just to clarify, I don't have a lock!
Also, forgot to mention : Ex got pissed off
case_and_point: It was semi funny at first. I read the whole story. Then I clicked on the gif. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. It all came together then...
darthjammer224: > It all came together
I see what you might of meant to do there.
case_and_point: It was the climax of the story is all I meant
darthjammer224: How long did it take you to come up with that one?
case_and_point: 6 minutes
darthjammer224: That's 30 seconds more than I.
case_and_point: I am more than 30 seconds
darthjammer224: 30 seconds more than I am
The_Easterbunny: I, 30 seconds than, am more.
ArgonNightmare: But who is grammar?
The_Easterbunny: Then why was phone!?
| 12 | 258.083333 | |
1399993527 | 1400040134 | t3_25gbmc | t5_2to41 | 36 | [deleted]: TIFU by tripping my crush
Okay so I live on a ranch and this girl I like wanted to come over. I guess you could say it's more like a complicated relationship but whatever. Anyways we were walking in the field and then my mother not knowing we were out there decided it would be a good idea to let the cows out this way. We have 2 fields, 1 for the cows and the other for recreation. Me being my stupid love crazed person I forgot we were walking in the cow field. So I go to turn around and I put my leg out to avoid stepping in a cow pie. Well here's the fuck up. She trips over my leg and gets a face full of cow pie and broke her arm. She immediately called for her mother and I offered for her to get cleaned up but I think she hates me now.
EDIT: Well she called me and said that she still thinks we should hang out but at her house from now on.
Voyager5555: Sounds like a shitty break for both of you.
_sam__: 5tory of the 5ecret 5tar 5ystem
Voyager5555: Yup, and one of my favorite songs from the album.
| 4 | 9 | |
1399994509 | 1399998350 | t3_25gd9g | t5_2to41 | 8 | xiaden: TIFU by lending out my car keys
To start off this shin-dig, I'm in the Navy, I work on submarines. One of my co-workers needed a cover (hat) so that he could get down to the boat (military requirement, all personnel will be covered when outdoors). I've got a few extra in the back seat of my car that would work for this guy, but I can't just waltz off the boat because of work. So, I lent my keys out to someone I (thought I) could trust, telling them specifically to Grab the cover out of the backseat, and give it to him, then bring me back my keys.
What's this guy do? He takes my car keys, unlocks my vehicle, places said keys in the backseat of my car, and walks his happy ass back to the boat. No cover, no idea why that would be logical, nothing. My car doors lock on their own after a certain amount of time, and I'm stuck on the boat. Not wanting to escalate the level of idiocy I'm exposed to, I just call my roommate, and tell him what happened, and to bring my spare keys in after lunch... And he brings me the keys to my old truck. End result? I get a ride home, get my keys, and unlock my car the next day(eg: today).
TankJr-: I don't really see any trust issue here. Just you learnt you can't rely on that idiot to do a job for you.
xiaden: Not really a trust issue, I'd call it more a lack of communication.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1399993372 | 1400095996 | t3_25gbd2 | t5_2to41 | 50 | [deleted]: TIFU by giving my girlfriend my hoodie
It was a regular Saturday for me, I decided to do laundry. Warm, cold sort all these clothes and what not. Throw them in the washer. Then open the dryer and them fold them. As I'm folding one of my shirts, a pink lace panty was crumbled up in it. What the fuck? It must of been the woman who did laundry before me, I'll return it to the dryer and act like nothing happened.. But for now, let me just hide it in my hoodie.. I completely forgot to take it out.
1 month later, "hey babe can you bring me a hoodie to school?"
"Yeah sure babe"
10 minutes later
"Should I be concerned about this underwear that was hiding in this hoodie?"
Fuck. I was all like uhhh, holy shit I can explain. It's all good now.
rimjobtom: Did you smell it? Please responde.
case_and_point: Well?....did you
Justtryme90: OP Pls
case_and_point: Op .....Op
| 5 | 10 | |
1399997421 | 1400078622 | t3_25gi2r | t5_2to41 | 80 | Adolf_Hitler__: TIFU by getting shit in my mouth.
My baby was being quite a little fucker this morning. After changing his diaper and putting his little shirt and pants I went into the living room and played Gorilla with him. In Gorilla I pick him up, roar, and put him down. But there was one problem. The I forgot to put his diaper back on this time, and he fucking took a diarriah shit all over my face. This shit literally got everywhere. It filled a bit of my mouth and went in my nose. I fucking vomited everywhere, and I spend 2 hours cleaning it up while my little sweethart was laughing his ass off.
Patch3y: The thought of Adolf Hitler getting shit on by a baby is fucking hilarious.
BraydenGood: Adolf Shitler
JavyCosta: [bravo](http://i.imgur.com/sNDma.gif)
| 4 | 20 | |
1399998538 | 1399999117 | t3_25gjyz | t5_2to41 | 48 | babyjesuz: TIFU Deciding to finish masturbating after hearing a family member enter the home
When you start jackin' the noodle, you're not only pleasing yourself. You're making a fucking commitment, the holy sanctity of your hand and your honey glazed donger must be held. So the story begins as I'm watching this 10/10 hot chick get rekt by this old fat guy doing a super awkward interview, kinda shit that you feel bad about afterwords but It just feels so good in the moment, Oh , fcking amatures.
So I'm sitting there, workin' my both my hands because this tent I'm pitching is catching some wind and It's hard to set up. Someone walks in the front door of the house.
Oh shit, is the door to my room locked? Can I finish in time? Knowing is only half the battle. Tune the music up. You know it's real.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1-TrAvp_xs
You know that feel, You just can't stop. The show must go on. It's now or never, go time. The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers! And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee!
I can hear the footsteps as someone is walking towards my door, Is it my mom? My dad? My brother? only god knows now. As I feel the donger start to pulsate semen I gain a level of psychic awareness not seen for 2014 years ... That's right, Jesus Christ. Never have I had such a turn on, I stroke faster then ever, OH LORDEH! In the second it took the person to touch the doornknob I have stroked atleast 9001 times! The semen flows like the nutritious water of the Nile. I surpass time and space and gain a understanding of the universe, I am alpha and Omega. I orgasm so hard that I rock the foundations of the earth.
It's my brother, my.. brother ... He sees the light, revels in the beauty of my solid 9 incher, perfect form, perfect shape. Hodgetwins would be proud. We hug in the pool of semen. No homo, uncontrollable feelings start to flow. Eyes start to water, he understands what needs to be done. That was the last time I ever saw my brother ... Shrek is love, shrek is life
I_love_pearljam: What did I just read???
nordeastx: I'm with you on this one.
| 3 | 16 | |
1399995798 | 1400067523 | t3_25gfc2 | t5_2to41 | 81 | [deleted]: TIFU by watching too much Family Guy
My girlfriend and I were "play arguing" over Netflix. A good mutual friend was in the room and she was ramblin on about us being boyfriends and what not. Thinking I would be funny, I said "fine, my boyfriend and I will go watch it then." He followed with, "Yeah, you're not invited rgIIIp0's girlfriend." Then...without thinking... I dropped it. "Yeah, no fat chicks." Shit.
siouxknox: How did she react after that?
[deleted]: Surprisingly well. I spent the next couple of hours buttering up to make it for it, though.
MrS3H3: I really want to believe that you used the term "buttering up" on purpose
[deleted]: If only i were that clever...
PutinInDetroit: ya fat chicks love butter
| 6 | 13.5 | |
1400001411 | 1400041583 | t3_25goyf | t5_2to41 | 1,647 | deadgreg: TIFU masturbating next to another dude
So, I was in a band and we were on tour as an opening act for about 3 months. We had a record deal, but the label was small and offered zero tour support. In fact, we had to pay 10 grand to get on the tour. No fancy tour bus, just the 12 passenger Ford Econoline Club Wagon I had already owned and a 5x8 Haulmark trailer filled with our gear. We always sold a good amount of merch, and budgeted the trip, giving ourselves 10 bucks a day per diem. We picked hotels that gave a free breakfast, ate off the dollar menu for lunch, and we either got a buyout for dinner at the venue, or they had catering. We usually took the buyout, at $20 a head. We also cut corners by only getting one hotel room a night (8 dudes). Fast forward about a month and we were doing well, selling more merch than we had anticipated. One night, we had a great show and felt great about things. Instead of getting one room, we would splurge and get 4: 2 guys to a room. Me and our drummer were a couple of slap dick goof balls and got along great, so we chose to shack up together. We both get this hair brained idea to order a skin flick to get our rocks off, but didn’t want to do that in front of each other. The room had two double beds, and a sitting area with a table and chairs. We come up with a plan to build a wall between the beds with the extra furniture, and drape one of the sheets over it so we couldn’t see each other from our individual beds, but we could both see the porno on the TV. So we both agree on said porno, and turn the volume up loud enough so we can’t hear each other waxing the carrot. About two minutes in, and I’m ready to blow baby batter all over myself. Then it happened. At the exact same time, he and I look at the mirror above the TV…and we lock eyes…panicked…vulnerable, and disgusted.
TL;DR – don’t polish the bishop next to your buddy with a mirror in the room
Matti-Koopa: This is actually hilarious. I bet you laughed it off.
[deleted]: They indeed laughed it off ;)
[deleted]: Can't laugh with a dick in your mouth
Suck_Mah_Wang: BROJOB! BROJOB!
deanacles: your username makes me think you are asian, which means that this is how you would say this.
Suck_Mah_Wang: Nope, white as can be. Username comes from something one of my friend's brothers used to say quite frequently.
deanacles: oh...well....um.....this is awkward.
I think i'll go delete my account now...
| 8 | 205.875 | |
1400003437 | 1400027705 | t3_25gsc0 | t5_2to41 | 47 | Blinky1979: TIFU by thinking a fart was safe.
This happened about 5 min ago and I'm still trying to figure out what to do. I am at a corporate meeting about an hour and a half from home and while outside enjoying a vape I figured it was a great time to let off some steam. I realized a moment to late that this was no simple gas when I felt warmth fill my shorts. I was hoping it was just a wet fart, but upon further inspection my fears were proved the reality. So now I am sitting in the bathroom waiting for an opportunity to shed the shitty evidence.
[deleted]: Hasn't it been a little while since someone soiled themselves? It might be a record actually.
Blinky1979: Glad I could break the streak.
stick51: sounds like more than a streak to me
| 4 | 11.75 | |
1400002886 | 1400009790 | t3_25grdz | t5_2to41 | 15 | chapter12: TIFU by ditching a cute girl at a bar...
Well it was last Friday actually. I'm sad about it, because she asked for my number, but i never got hers. So she probably thinks I wasn't into her and won't contact me. *sigh*...
We talked for awhile. The place started closing up and she went into the bathroom. I waited for awhile outside, and then got paranoid that maybe she'd already left and I was being pathetic, so I went home. The fool that I am...
kangaroocash: Next time :) You now know that you are attractive!
chapter12: i guess that's the way to look at it :)
| 3 | 5 | |
1400002163 | 1400012798 | t3_25gq81 | t5_2to41 | 85 | homeschooldancing: TIFU by showing my shrunken penis to 5 men
So in my backyard I have an outdoor shower, and so normally when I'm done swimming or whatever I'll get undressed and jump in the shower, when I get out I don't really care about having anything on cause it's my backyard and it's fenced in and no one was home. The chances of me being seen were slim.... I thought.
So on this particular day, I get out of the pool, take my clothes off, hang them up, and go around the side of my house and jump in the shower.
So I go about my normal business, polishing the jewels, draining the dragon and what not, only problem was the propane heat was out in the shower, so I had to deal with the cold, which meant my little buddy was even smaller than it normally is for a short white kid.
So I thought nothing of it, and got out of the shower, which is when I heard a noise and locked eyes with 5 construction guys standing on the roof next door to me.
And that is literally all we could do. There was nothing to for me cover myself with, and the only options I had were run back in the shower, or run into my house which would be around a 20 second run while completely exposed.
So I just stood there, with literally no ideas of what to do.
So after about 5 seconds of me and my little shrunken buddy putting on a nice show of full frontal nudity for the men on the roof, I just ran back into the shower and waited there contemplating my life until they left.
TL;DR my little friend and I gave some workers what some people have to pay for.
ACreepyThrowaway: Should have locked eyes with each one as you swung your dong around in a helicopter fashion.
homeschooldancing: I'm not that well endowed enough for that my friend....
ACreepyThrowaway: If it droops it'll swoop.
If it don't, then turn and poop.
| 4 | 21.25 | |
1400006898 | 1400009537 | t3_25gy4c | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by Fooling My Brother
In one of my days long past, back when my grandmother was still with us and my grandfather was not a walking religious insane asylum, things were pretty standard. My parents worked during the day, and my elders would take time out of their blatantly uneventful lives to come watch my brother and I. Now, typically, we'd just spend our times playing video games, or watching television. But on this day, I came up with a sinister idea. One so evil that I often wonder how a ten year old could have even crafted it.
My brother (who was seven) was a little pansy: he actually cared deeply about how our parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, fucking *neighbors* too, probably, perceived him. So, I decided to give him a little jolt. A little shock to the system, I should say.
I obtained a standard piece of white paper from the printer and a beautiful Sharpie. After popping the cap off and breathing in that delectable smell a few times, I set out to work. I drew two lines, one on top of the other with a decent amount of spacing. I then took the paper to my grandparents and had them sign the lines. Being that I was still a little kid in their eyes, asking them to do a simple thing, they obliged. I went back downstairs and across the top, I wrote **SIGN BELOW IF YOU HATE BROTHER** (brother's name was use, but is redacted for varying reasons).
Naturally, I gave the paper to my brother next. An inconceivable wail broke out, and tears burst forth like a climaxing vagina. That's a terrible simile. He ran straight into the basement and hid under a table. It would be a few hours before my parents arrived and found him in a fetal position under a decrepit table, only a shell of the man (pansy) he used to be. You bet your ass I got in trouble.
A week later, he would find himself in the hospital after I threw a small Disney magazine at his head because he was irritating me. Created a huge paper-cut induced gash beside his ear. 5 stitches. Shit was cash.
TL;DR: Vagina eyes after obvious proof that grandparents despise a little pansy.
rzmohno: what's the age difference? just curious.
Voyager5555: If I had to guess I'd say three years.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1400009220 | 1400011963 | t3_25h25h | t5_2to41 | 30 | Tupperwee-wee: TIFU by peeing in my parent's Tupperware® cabinet... while they watched...
Okay, so this wasn't today, it happened when I was 19 (nearly 10 years ago). But this epic fuck-up has made waves in every circle of friends that I have told it to.
Be me, 19 years old, wake-up in your bed because you hear your mom come into your room.
She engaged me with the obligatory "How are you feeling this morning" knowing full well that I had drank myself to intoxication the night before (it was a friend's birthday). But this time, her tone was a bit sharp. She followed with "do you remember what you did last night?" I didn't.
Apparently, in the middle of the night, while in my drunken stupor, I got out of bed, walked past my bathroom and into the kitchen. I proceeded to turn the lights on, opened up the cabinet that held all of their Tupperware, whipped "it" out, and began urinating into the cabinet.
My father, who had fallen asleep watching television in the adjacent living room, awoke, investigated the situation, and began screaming bloody murder. My mother (also a light sleeper) scurried downstairs in a panic, and in a matter of seconds I had both my parents watching me urinate in their kitchen cabinets.
Here's the kicker: I didn't notice nor did I stop because I was drunken sleepwalking. My mother somehow noticed this immediately and convinced my father not to wake me (because supposedly "waking a sleepwalker is bad" and my sister used to sleepwalk).
In the morning, my kitchen was cordoned off and I had a bucket of bleach along with some empty garbage bags waiting for me. That was not a fun hangover.
To this day, that cabinet is sparsely used. My mother tells me she cringes when she has to take something from it.
Diarygirl: Geesh, 10 years ago and your mom still cringes about the cabinet? If it's that bad, maybe they should have just replaced the cabinet. I know people that have stories like this, and they laugh about it after a couple of months.
It's not like you took a shit in the cabinet. I mean, if that would happen, you would have to burn the house down and start over, but it's only pee!
Tupperwee-wee: I know, right?! Talk about overreacting. Urine is sterile! I tell her that I did her a favor.
I just think she can't get over the visualization of seeing my with my cock in my hand, back arched, letting the whiz fly.
| 3 | 10 | |
1400004641 | 1400020301 | t3_25gudb | t5_2to41 | 2 | peedalittle: TIFU by purchasing a more powerful vacuum cleaner.
In my quest for glorious suction, I came across three models of [Dyson](http://www.dyson.com/) vacuums that fulfilled my vacuuming needs.
* The first model was the [DC40 Origin](http://www.dyson.com/vacuums/uprights/dc40/dc40-origin). Priced at a reasonable $399, this particular model features Dyson's patented cyclone technology. In Radial Root Cyclone™ technology, remodeled airflows maximize suction power. The improved flow efficiency reduces turbulence and preserves air pressure while its cleaner head self-adjusts to maintain optimal contact. It's lightweight, durable, and very hygienic. What sold me on this model was the built-in hose and telescopic wand. This allows for suction in hard to reach places.
[Amazon](http://www.amazon.com/Dyson-DC40-Origin-Upright-Cleaner/dp/B00DVT6ME0/) has this on sale for $354.
* The second model that I considered was [DC59 Animal](http://www.dyson.com/vacuums/cordless/dc59/dc59-animal.aspx). The price is a hefty $499, but believe me, this this truly is an animal. Its digital motor spins at up to 110,000 times a minute, up to 3 times faster than conventional motors contributing towards the machine's powerful suction. There's also a boost mode that increases suction performance by %50! Like all Dyson's this one is great for hard to reach places and hygienic.
[Amazon](http://www.amazon.com/Dyson-DC59-Animal-Cordless-Cleaner/dp/B00GXFI6RA/) has this priced at $483.
* Finally, the last model I looked into was the [DC39 Animal](http://www.dyson.com/vacuums/canisters/dc39/dc39-animal.aspx). Much like its DC59 cousin, this is also priced at $499, but it's much more compact and offers superior suction. This model is essentially a combination of the two I listed above. It includes Radial Root Cyclone™ technology as well as Ball™ technology to improved mobility in tight places.
[Amazon](http://www.amazon.com/Dyson-DC39-Multi-floor-canister/dp/B0076ZGC04/) has this on sale for $347.
Having narrowed down my selection to the three models above, I ultimately chose the latter, the DC39 Animal. The combination of features, quiet motor, and most importantly, superior suction, made it the best choice.
With all that said, here's how I fucked up. The DC39 Animal's superior suction was a little too strong. After jerry-rigging my [USA Medical Grade Automatic Penis Vacuum Pump](http://www.amazon.com/Medical-Grade-Automatic-Penis-Vacuum/dp/B008GHH7WS/) ($79 on Amazon) to the Dyson vacuum, my penis exploded into an erection so hard it could make diamonds weep. It was so instant and so powerful I wasn't sure I had anything left down there. Because this was a cordless vacuum, I had to find the switch to shut it off. It would have been a cinch to rip a plug out of the wall, but there was none. Unfortunately, I was starting to black out and turn pale because all my blood was now in my penis. With the little amount of consciousness that I had left, I was able to smack the canister against my coffee table to get it to turn off. Then I passed out.
When I came to an hour later I popped my swollen mass of dick out of the suction tube and basically just sulked for a good 30 minutes. Thankfully things started to reside, but my dick is permanently broken. The only way to get it up now is to use a pump, but I'll be hard-pressed to ever use a Dyson again. Fuck those vacuum cleaners, I'm getting an [Oreck](http://www.oreck.com/) now.
tl;dr: broke ma dick.
Darth_Venom: There is a whitest kids you know sketch about this; "that vacuum will literally rip your dick off
peedalittle: I'll have to watch that.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1400009671 | 1400076223 | t3_25h2yu | t5_2to41 | 17 | high_performance: TIFU by simply being dumb
Last night I was helping a friend move into her new apartment. A couple of hours passed and we were sitting on the floor of the old apartment having a beer. I said I should get going as I was tired and it was getting late. She told me that if I wanted to sleep there tonight I totally could (only a 1 bedroom and no couch set up). I was dumb and said that I needed to get home because I had to work in the morning. I didn't even think! I opened my mouth before I could even process what she was talking about! Dammit!
biderjohn: you cant sleep next to a friend without wanting to put your dick into her?
high_performance: Ya but if I can, why not?
biderjohn: but what if she was just offering a place to sleep? did she give the i want to ride you eyes?
high_performance: Well I was stupid and was concentrating on getting home to bed and not really picking up on sexy-times cues.
| 5 | 3.4 | |
1400019994 | 1400042797 | t3_25hkr4 | t5_2to41 | 16 | Simon_Inaki: TIFU by putting my mobile number and academic email on my resume
Before going Into detail:
1. I attend summer classes and tend to maxout my classes every term every year. So I'm never home. Because of this I put my mobile number on my resumes and biz cards.
So fast forward to this summer where I've been in the most insane job search summer of my life. 127 cover letters and resumes, countless lone resumes submitted.
During the summer my classes have been starting at 6 p.m. And ending at 10. So I spend time at home and life has been great. I've been doing some next level lawn work while job searching. Lately I started to wonder why I wasn't hearing back(I had only heard back 8times or so).
So I call my phone. It rings then the call cancels. My heart dropped a little. So I switched to another phone and tried. Same thing. The call keeps dropping without going to answering. I'm going to figure out what's going on because this is unacceptable.
At this point I'm pretty depressed I chin up and try my email. Boom it bounces. It turns out I've been over quota because of all this fucking spam. I didn't know I had so much spam because I had made so many folders to keep school email organized.
So here I am, with a month of applying, writing unique cover letters,down the god damned drain.
Fuck me.
kbow18: That's why you should keep your email account cleaned and organized.
When was the last time you did get a call on your cell phone? Wouldn't a month of no calls be suspicious?
Simon_Inaki: I can make and receive calls. Just not at home, it's a black hole. The email was totally my fault tho you're right
kbow18: That makes more sense. I would have thought they would leave a message!
Simon_Inaki: I think I've found the problem. My house is right between two towers. Normally this would be okay but one of the towers has been deprecated/uses legacy technology. So when a call is received, the radio on my phone will suddenly start working overtime (most cellphones do this) to maintain signal. At the same time, it will discriminate against the tower it started on and shift to the other because it mistakenly sees it as better. All of this, happens BEFORE I receive the trigger for a call/tone on my phone. Therefore the call just vanishes
| 5 | 3.2 | |
1400021173 | 1400092187 | t3_25hmlv | t5_2to41 | 120 | crisothetank: TIFU by being a massive dick to a really nice girl
I'm 16 years old and from the UK. A little introduction: I'm a reasonably smart kid, very good at sport and have been told im gifted with good looks. Although I'm not as good looking or tall as my older brother, as I'm frequently reminded. However, mainly because I used to play football professionally I've always been kind of popular, I'm not 'that guy' who all the girls love, but this is the story of one girl in particular, and how I fucked up.
Well, throughout the last 3 years there's been this girl who's had a crush on me, I won't mention her name. Sometimes it creeps me out because she likes all of my pictures on Facebook, favourites 90% of my tweets and apparently is always asking my friends about me, when I ask my friends what she said, they tell me that she asked if I was OK. Kinda weird right? But I've always felt bad because I didn't like her back even though she was a genuinely nice girl. Pretty, smart, respectable, not like most of the other girls at my sixth form who cover their faces in far too much make up and think it a challenge to see who can wear the shortest skirt.
So today I saw this girl for the first time in a long time, and when I saw her I stopped in my tracks. She was walking alone, clutching her folder to her chest, in nothing but a simple blue skirt with white spots. And she'd changed, embarrasses me to say it but I noticed she'd grown breasts and her body was showing curves and general signs of maturity. I rushed to her like a bee to honey, without even knowing what I was doing. I asked her how she was, and I felt nervous, which was weird because this was the girl who'd liked me for three years and now the tables were turned. Well basically I arranged to meet her at the end of the day outside Mid site.
You guessed it, I completely forgot. And the worst part? My friend who stayed for a revision session told me she was still outside waiting for me in the rain for more than an hour after college ended, in nothing but her blue summer skirt. I feel like a massive pile of shit. On top of more shit. I think I really upset this girl and she probably thinks I did it on purpose. Guess I'll have to face up to it sometime.
**TL:DR** Arranged to meet with a really nice girl who's had a crush on me for three years, completely forgot, find out she waited for me in the rain for more than an hour.
**EDIT**: Didn't expect this to get so many replies but thanks for the support and I'll just clear some things up:
People are asking how I forgot. Well I know this doesn't cut it but I was having a bad day, my philosophy exam had gone all wrong, and it had even started raining. So as soon as my last lesson ended I put my headphones in, blocked out the world and was only thinking of home. Stupid, I know.
Someone asked about professional sport in the UK, I'll explain: I got scouted from my local team at the age of 9 to trial for a professional team in my closest town. I got in and played there for 6 years until I was 15 (last year) when I got released because I was too small to keep up with the physical side of things. Ironically I had a growth spurt that very year, but never had the hunger to compete at that level again. Besides, I wasn't sure if I was dedicated enough to continue going training 4 times every week and as much fun as the football tours around Europe were, it was all very expensive.
Someone else also said I come off as self-centred. Sorry if this is what you think, but I really try not to be. I think i'm just really confident, and all my years of football at such a high level is the source of this, because they told me constantly that if I wanted to be the best I had to believe I was the best, and yeah this sort of rubbed off on me.
**EDIT 2** I apologised to this girl today and she was cool about it, then I took her out for lunch. Again thanks for the support
smartedpanda: Idiot, go to her IMMEDIATELY, phone, text, or social media. Explain your situation, explain - do not lie.
Make it up to her in a big way, flower, rose, etc...to prove you weren't screwing around with her.
0
If that doesn't work, and she shoo's you off, just move on and don't over think it.
rya11111: this this this.
solid advice. OP DO THIS NOW.
Cancani: QUICKLY OP WE DONT HAVE ALOT OF TIME
what-would-reddit-do: Do what the panda says!
Cancani: I dont get the reference please tell me senpai :(
| 6 | 20 | |
1400021453 | 1400036698 | t3_25hn1y | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by grabbing a girls boob.
I'm in my 2nd year of high school and my friends and I like playing truth or dare. We played today and I got a dare to touch this girl I don't know's boobs. I have no idea why I went along and did it but I did. I instantly felt horrible and had no idea what to do. She came up and punched me in the neck and I definitely deserved it. She walked away but the look on her face when she approached me was devastated.. It's all I've been thinking about and I have no real way to contact her and say how sorry I am. I thought about messaging her on Facebook but I feel like that isn't even a real apology. Her boyfriend wants to beat the shit out of me but that's the least of my worries.. I don't know why I did it it's just all such a blur. It's just been on my mind and I feel horrible, plus she could report it to the school and get me suspended right before finals. I'm so dumb I really have no idea what to do..
Wclewis: Well, at least your friends will think you're a badass..
[deleted]: > your friends will think you're a badass..
And everyone else will think you're an asshole
Wclewis: True Story.
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1400017879 | 1400147055 | t3_25hh8q | t5_2to41 | 13 | staindtastic: Tifu with my incessant quoting of movies
So I've been watching grandma's boy a lot and love the line "you're a hooker." I've been substituting a hooker for whatever people have been talking about lately just to be an ass. It's usually harmless and rarely makes sense. Well my girlfriend and I were going into our new Wendy's to get some delicious chicken wraps and as she pulled the second door open she said "wow the door is heavy." without thinking I yell out "you're heavy!" I almost lost my tongue with how hard I bit it after saying that.
BananApocalypse: What does calling her heavy have to do with the hooker line?
whalezzzzZz: "You're a hooker!"
"You're heavy!"
BananApocalypse: My question still stands
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1400024276 | 1400179233 | t3_25hrgb | t5_2to41 | 398 | illegibleusername: TIFU: Ruined a great time with my new girlfriend.
I was standing by the river with my girlfriend and her son. her son is trying to skip rocks and she tells him to stop. So I'm like "hey man, watch I'll show you." I pick up a rock. A good one too, with nice curves on the bottom and a flat top. I reel back real good and step into the throw hard. The rock is flying... I look out to where it's about to land and I see a duck. The rock is going faster than anything I've ever thrown but I'm watching it in slow motion the entire time. I see the rock, I see the duck. The rock smacks the duck right in the neck. Duck down! Of all places for this rock to land, it broke a ducks neck in the Ohio river. I murdered a duck in front of the girlfriend and her son. It was paddling in the water in circles for about 15 minutes before resting motionless the rest of the time we were there.
Supajin: You let it go on like that for 15 minutes? Come on bro, shoulda put it out of its misery ....
taddy151: Have you ever swam in the Ohio River?
Hopguy: That's definitely a nope, it has the distinction of being the only river to catch on fire. They had to call the fire department to put out the river. We talking major pollution, it's a little better these days.
geoffrey4mile: That river was the Cuyahoga River in Cleveland, not the Ohio River in Cincinnati (and elsewhere).
Now, to be fair, in many places the Ohio is so polluted you could freaking *walk* out to the duck and kick it to death, but it wasn't the one that just spontaneously combusted.
Hopguy: That's right it was the Cuyahoga. My bad, I was living a little west of there when it happened.
geoffrey4mile: S'okay, living near Cleveland would cause anybody to want to forget that place. :-)
| 7 | 56.857143 | |
1400020551 | 1400028589 | t3_25hlnk | t5_2to41 | 97 | Creative-Writing: TIFU by not asking my friend's dad to pull over.
Just as everyone has a “first time” sexually, those who suffer from irritable bowel syndrome (henceforth referred to as IBS, if I can help it) also have a certain life-changing moment of clarity. It may surprise you, but they aren’t that different. Both carry with them an overwhelming sense of awkwardness, for example. There’s a lot of fumbling around, trying to get things exactly where they need to go. And, after the fact, you’re left wondering what you could have done to make it better. But, with sex, they say that as time goes on, you get better at it. You learn techniques, positions and unlock the secrets of the human body. However, with IBS, you don’t really get any of that. You’re just continuously shitting your pants.
My moment of clarity came during a vacation to Cape May, New Jersey with my best friend Mike. I was nine and we had known each other for a few years at this point. To this very day, we have a running joke that the only reason I kept Mike around was for the free vacations. There’s no real truth in that, though. We have that sort of bond that could make any onlooker physically sick, what with all of our inside jokes and couplet-mannerisms. This particular vacation was your standard trip to the beach, where you either lie on the sand all day baking alive or take the risk of being killed by one of the many predators of the ocean (sharks, jellyfish, crabs, seaweed, etc.).
Anyway, the story of my first time truly begins on the car ride home from Cape May. Mike’s father and his stepmother (she’s not anymore, or so I’m told) were in the front seats while me and Mike were in the back. Showing my great appreciation for the beauty of the planet, I preferred to spend my time staring longingly out of the car window as it barreled down the highways.
Now, the big thing you need to know is that this whole situation was as preventable as a teenage pregnancy. As I sat there at peace with Earth, I felt a tightening in my lower abdomen. To a nine year old, this translates to “I’m going to need to take a shit soon, but I can hold it because I was taught that I’m in control of my body.” At that age, you don’t figure that God has concocted some merciless disorder that causes you to abruptly spew liquid shit at your rectum’s demand. So, I'm looking out the window, and there’s a truck stop. Do I have the foresight to tell Mike’s dad to stop the car? No, and that’s fine, but in the eyes of everyone else, that’s going to be pretty damn incriminating.
A few minutes pass and the sensations are intensifying. As I finally understood that this wasn't something I was going to be able to control, I made the brave (read: suicidal) decision to speak up.
“I need to go to the bathroom,” I said.
“We just passed a fucking truck stop,” Mike’s dad replied. “You’re just going to have to wait.” Mike’s dad was always irritable. To keep in touch with the medical and scientific terminology that this story desires to maintain, he was what the professionals called an “asshole”.
Resigning myself to imminent defeat, I opted to close up all bodily orifices. My body was on total shutdown; nothing entered and nothing (hopefully) exited. This feeling is pretty relatable, I imagine. We’ve all squeezed our cheeks together to stifle a fart, or prevent the birth of an unwelcome piece of feces. Seriously. We've all been there.
Approximately thirty minutes pass. I assume that this is accurate, because I didn't have much more to do with my time other than watch the car’s clock through my tears. Either way, the next truck stop came along and Mike’s dad pulled in. Unfortunately for me, the “asshole” kicked in and he parked the car as far as humanly possible away from the restrooms.
The moment of truth was upon me. We all exited the car and began walking toward the building. The adults led the way and I trailed behind, walking slowly with a bit of a limp. All of the sudden, my head shook a bit. My body drained itself of all morale and control, and out came the liquid feces. I stopped in my tracks, trembling slightly, as my anus made the transformation to kitchen faucet. I threw my arms in the air and stood like a champion of sorts, at which time Mike’s stepmom took notice of me. One look at my heroic pose said it all, and the adults doubled back to begin the cleanup.
As I stood naked, my body shielded from as much of the public as possible by a towel, they dumped water over me to wash away the excrement. The clothes were disposed of, presumably because they were endangering all human life within a fifty mile radius. With a new set of clothes and the haunting revelation that something like this was possible, we continued their journey home.
Now that you have all the facts, I guess you could make a case that it wasn't entirely avoidable. Even so, if I had avoided it, we may not have gotten a story this interesting. After all, the greatest of tales are filled with bad choices. Icarus flew too close to the Sun. I waited too long to speak up.
[deleted]: If you were able to hold it for another half hour, you didn't wait too long to speak up. The idiot driving the car waited too long to pull over and let you use a bathroom. He could've just turned around at the next exit and gone back to the truck stop. When a kid's gotta go, he's gotta go, and woe betide the rational adult behind the wheel who supposedly knows better, yet doesn't take heed. Yeah, I realize that people on a long road trip don't want to stop for every little thing, but if there's one thing a person should damn well understand by adulthood, it's that shit happens, sometimes literally, and even if it isn't from IBS, it could just as easily have been from an extra-greasy burger or any number of things. Everyone's had to take an emergency dump at least once in their lives. I don't see this as being *your* fuck-up at all.
Supajin:
eh sometimes driving through the desert or countryside there's literally no stops for like half an hour to be fair
[deleted]: All the more reason to turn around and go back to the one you just passed!
| 4 | 24.25 | |
1400029291 | 1400242534 | t3_25hz52 | t5_2to41 | 64 | NoremacNotRedBlue: TIFU by getting upset at the movies.
So, I was at the movies. and I was watching TASM2 and i felt someone kick the back of my seat. Now I am generally a calm guy, I hate getting upset so I just shrug it off. A minute later a barrage of kicks just hit into the back of my chair, so I'm like, fuck it. I turn around a bit annoyed and just slightly yell "Can you stop fucking kicking the back of my chair". I see a probably 13 year old boy with Down Syndrome and he begins tearing up and starts crying and I am like " oh my god, I'm sooooooo sorry". I promptly got up apologize a lot more and switched seats.
ACreepyThrowaway: Not your fault, bro. Where were the kids parents or guardian? It's not like Down Syndrome means stupid. I'm sure the kid knew better.
NoremacNotRedBlue: I said sorry to the mother, she was beside him.
CountSheep: Was she upset with you?
NoremacNotRedBlue: No, she was nice about. I spoke to her after the movie, apparently he was having a bad day, hence why he was at the movies.
riceandpea: At least you didn't kick him in the head.
| 6 | 10.666667 | |
1400040366 | 1400046276 | t3_25if58 | t5_2to41 | 109 | [deleted]: TIFU when I said yes to this guy I met from Grindr
Hello redditors. I am a 21 year old gay guy whose looking for fun and adventure while I'm still young. I am not a bad looking guy and a lot of guys from grindr likes my type (Asian twink with big butt). I have met a lot of guys but this one particular guy I'm FWB with is my favorite (J) we will name him J. He's the only Asian I know with 6 inch. One night, he texted me if I can come over so I said sure. But then another text came that says "my buddy is coming". Three is a crowd but I don't mind a threesome and this is actually the first time I'm trying it. Anyways, so his buddy came and I was doing it with his buddy while he's talking on his phone. 5 minutes later, a guy came and I was surprised but I was so into this guy so I don't mind. Then I heard another knock on the the door and a couple came in. I got so anxious so I asked him, what the hell is happening but then he said its okay they're here to watch. So I just continued on what I'm doing, then everyone started to get naked and I said "okay what is everyone doing", J just told me "they're here to have fun with us". At that point, I couldn't do anything so I just decided to take all their dicks and I wanted to cry while theyre taking turns on fucking me cause I feel so violated. After this, I confronted J and asked him how could he do that to me. He just said sorry and said "As if you didn't like it little slut". I know I fuck around with guys but I feel so violated. I feel so DIRTY :((
TL;DR: a hookup with a guy turned into a surprise orgy. :(
Edit: I'm going to undergo HIV screening tomorrow. Thank you for all the sympathy guys and to those people who says "it's not rape if you're gay" and "you deserve it". Shut the fuck up. I know I don't deserve your respect but I believe whatever you are or your choices in life, nobody deserves to be treated like this. SMH. I'm not trying to get sympathy, I just want other people like me to be careful next time.
Edit 2: Believe it or not, deep inside I wanted to fight and protect myself. Each of the guys take turns on fucking me. There's not that much you can do while you're lying on your stomach, someone is on top of you while holding your neck. Plus I was scared that if I make an action they'll hurt me. Trust me, I maybe gay but I have morals and NO I DIDN'T WISH OR ASK FOR IT. I've never felt so helpless before.
Ruth_Gordon: Honestly, I think you need to call a rape crisis center. I'm sorry this happened to you.
1-800-656-HOPE
jashbert: I'm too scared. My parents doesn't even know I'm gay. But thank you so much. :(
kadoatie: They offer anonymous crisis support so you don't have to worry about giving them your info or your family finding out.
jashbert: Thank you so much. Are they 24 hours?
kadoatie: You're welcome, Yes you can reach them anytime <3
jashbert: <3
| 7 | 15.571429 | |
1400047774 | 1400080492 | t3_25iem0 | t5_2to41 | 3 | whatthejeebus: Should have just emailed it to yourself man.
TedTheViking: 20 .png attachments?
always_wandering: Eh, probably jpgs. But even if they were 1MB each, they'd still come in below most modern email service's quotas. If not, 2 emails of 10 jpgs doesn't sound so hard...
PowBlock96: I regularly send .CR2 files to my photography teacher through gmail, they're usually around 8 MB each, no issue there.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1400044315 | 1400052367 | t3_25ijy8 | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by showing off my dick
Most of my friends happened to come back home for the same weekend, we all had wanted to get together since it had been awhile, so we gathered for a bonfire and some drinking. Girl who I had always had a thing for is one of 12 or so people to show up. It was a fun night catching up with friends I hadn't seen in awhile and as it got too late we decided to play drinking games inside where we wouldn't have to worry about how loud we were. Me and a buddy take on the girl I had a thing for and her friend in beer pong, we had played them before with a bet being the losers had to kiss. Me and my buddy had won the previous time so we're game. I'm absolutely atrocious as I have already had my fair share to drink. Luckily my buddy is the man and carries our team to victory. The girls kiss and everyone is happy. The girls want to have a rematch, my buddy was a bit more reluctant this time as he is completely aware of how bad I am right now. We start playing again and on my first throw I hit the center cup, the bitch cup. The girls immediately start saying that bitch cup has to play with their pants down until their next hit. Great. I start to undo my belt and take a second to ask really? When my partner grabs the back pocket and pulls them to the floor. It was a about a second later that I knew something was a bit off. My dick was hanging out the flap in my boxers, in front of my friends, and the girl I was trying to talk to. I fall to the ground just dying of laughter/shock of what just happened. I dealt with the comments from my friends for a few more minutes before I had to walk away for a moment so my cheeks could lose of the redness as I was deeply embarrassed. I turn to come back and the girl is right in front of me, just the two of us around the corner from everyone else. She leaned into me and kissed me, and things proceeded to get hot and heavy so we went upstairs. In the end it is definitely my most embarrassing moment, but it did kind of work in my favor.
I_NEED_FRIENDS: How did you fuck up exactly?
crash_91: its not a TIFU it's just a TIF
alcoholsbestfriend: but it is a nice story
| 4 | 2 | |
1400051293 | 1400053379 | t3_25iqt5 | t5_2to41 | 9 | 51314: TIFU by hooking up with a guy who's in love with me.
I'm an idiot, I know. I was desperate. There was a mutual physical attraction, even though our personalities clashed and we fought a lot in conversations. In a moment of weakness, I hooked up with him. I don't want a serious relationship and he does. He's becoming extremely obsessive and it's scaring me. I regret it. I hate myself.
troll-e-troll: How was the uhhh, you know?
Stitchikins: ^ Asking the important questions!
Talk to him.. Seriously, talk to him! Explain the situation completely; the longer it drags out, the worse it's going to be! You might feel like a bitch doing it after you hooked up with him, but you can't change that now.. So talk to him!
| 3 | 3 | |
1400024584 | 1403307370 | t3_25hrwa | t5_2to41 | 15 | meatloaficent: TIFU by waving to an acquaintance.
This happened about three years ago, in my slutty college days. I use the term "slutty" with great affection, but it was 100% true.
~
I took the bus about an hour to another city for an okCupid booty call. We'd met for drinks a week earlier, and while I wasn't interested in a relationship with him, he seemed like a fun lay. I had nothing else to do on this particular afternoon, and my student ID got me on the bus for free, so why the hell not?
We met up, we fucked, and while we both enjoyed it, I could tell that I was never going to see him again. Sometimes you can tell when something is meant to just taper off. We kissed good-bye, and I was headed to the bus stop by early evening.
It was the last bus headed to my city until tomorrow morning, so I got there about ten minutes early. I was settled onto my bench when I noticed a school acquaintance in the distance. I waved. She didn't see me. I waved harder. And to my horror, the bus driver (who I hadn't noticed approaching) took my waves as a "keep going" signal. He sped right past me.
The last bus of the evening.
Of course I had to be up early the next day.
And of course there was no one else I could call.
My "date" had to borrow a friend's car to drive me home. We were staring straight ahead when he decided to tell me he was thinking of becoming a priest. I respect him for at least trying to fill the silence, but damned if that wasn't excruciating.
And to top it off, my goddamn friend never even noticed me waving.
**Tl;dr - missed the last bus, had to catch a ride home from a one-night stand I'd planned never to see again.**
PutinInDetroit: lol. the dude is on okcupid and thinking about becoming a priest? wtf?
alanram: Bro, do you even Reddit? Once you actually think about it, it's not really surprising.
enty6003: He met a nice kid on there.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1400066694 | 1400104466 | t3_25j2ow | t5_2to41 | 176 | aaen: TIFU by not bringing my passport
This happened late last year, but you know - who cares? It also contains no nudiy or involontary bowel movement, its just plain stupid.
Anyways, my friend and I were flying out to London from Gothenburg in order to see a concert with one of our favorite bands. Scince we lived in different cities we decided it would be best to just meet up at the busstation from where we would leave to the airport.
I get there about 8pm, and our flight leaves at 10, so were making good time and decide to grab some beers before heading out to the airport. Were having a nice conversation about this and that, and my friend asks me if I'm ready to leave and remembered to bring everything, like my passport.
"No bro, the UK is in the EU, I don't need a passport, just ID".
We head out to the airport, take our time, have a smoke, and then head over to the check-in. I flash my ID and the guy says "Oh you have a passport to, riiiight?"
Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck. "No, isn't ID enough?"
Well it turns out the UK is a backwards-ass country and have not yet entered the Schengen-Agreement, and does require passport-check of EU-citizens.
I ask him if I can get a temporary passport at the airport, wich i cannot. The police station downtown is closed, so I can't get one there either, and my only chance is to go to the bigger Airport across town and get one there, but I have to be real quick scince my flight is leaving in an hour and half.
I rush out and get the nearest cab and tell him to drive as fast as he can across town. The cabbie, a little excited about his late evening adventure on an otherwise boring day, takes my instructions litterary and is pushing 110 mph pretty much all the way.
I arrive at the other airport, actually feeling like I can pull this off! So I find the policestation and ring the bell. No answer. Fuck. Ring it again, no answer. Finally a really sleepy cop answers the door and lets me in.
I figured this was an In-out scenario and it would take 10 minutes, tops.
Sleepy cop starts up the photobooth/printer/computer.
"Oh sorry dude, I got a bluescreen, hold on" fuckfuckfuckfuck. It takes sleepycop 15 minutes to get the thing going and i finally get my temprary passport, wich costs me about 120 dollars.
Run out to my cab, who is paitently waiting and we blast off into the night. Even though I lost valuable time getting the passport, I can still make it back if we drive fast enough. Thats when it started raining. Hard. So hard we can bareley see the road, so my new Somali cabdriver friend has to go about half the speed we went when driving the other way.
My friend calls and says the flight is now boarding. I tell him to try and stall, and I might make it still. We get back to the airport and i run up to check-in. The guy recognises me and calls to check if I can still make the plane. I can't. It left 2 minutes prior.
I ended up hitching a ride back to the city with some people whose flight got cancelled, wandered around aimlessly as my phone had died. Borrowed a charger at a hotel and also used their computer to book a new flight the morning after. Called up a friend and spent the night there, and then left with the early flight the morning after.
All in all, a weekend in London ended up costing me close to 900 bucks, when it was originally supposed to be 300.
The worst part is, I work at the swedish passport authority.
anmd: You should be able to travel with your ID card even though the UK isn't part of Schengen. In fact the Schengen treaty has nothing to do with this.
"You must still show a valid ID card or passport when travelling to or from Bulgaria, Croatia, Cyprus, Ireland, Romania and the United Kingdom. Though part of the EU, these countries do not belong to the border-free Schengen area. Before travelling, check what documents you must have to travel outside your home country and to enter the non Schengen EU country you plan to visit."
Source: http://europa.eu/youreurope/citizens/travel/entry-exit/eu-citizen/index_en.htm
aaen: Yup, this is what I read prior to the trip as well, but the airline simply wouldn't let me board without a valid passport, so what could I do? :(
commentsOnPizza: I think part of the issue might be that the UK doesn't have national ID cards (other than a passport). I'm guessing the ID card you were talking about was a driving license.
To use European freedom of movement, you need to prove that you're a European citizen. For a French person, they have a national ID card that is proof of citizenship and even has a section at the bottom for machines to read passport style. UK driving licenses are not valid for travel because they don't validate your nationality.
The UK tried to introduce a national ID card (other than the passport) in 2006, but there was public outcry against it.
I think the UK, Ireland, and Denmark are the only EU countries that don't have national ID cards.
aaen: Didn't know that. National id cards sounds like an odd thing to be upset about though.
Also mine is a state issued national id as you described.
randypriest: It isn't the cards that caused the outcry, it was the amount of, and type of, data that the gov. wanted to keep, such as fingerprints and DNA, among many other things, including charging the same as a new passport (£70ish) at the same time requiring a passport to travel also.
Mckee92: Another problem their total inability to protect important data. They kept leaving important documents on public transport.
| 7 | 25.142857 | |
1400034042 | 1400090188 | t3_25i6cn | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by drinking Five O'Clock Vodka and getting Vietnam Flashbacks
Warning: MASSIVE wall of text ahead. Also, don't be surprised if this is some of the shittiest writing you've ever read. I'm using a throwaway account and don't care how poorly written this is.
This actually happened a few months ago, but it's one of the dumbest things I've done in a while, so, here goes.
This entire adventure started off on a cold, snowy Friday evening in an average college dormitory, where most of the kids were passing time by socializing and/or raging at video games. Some of the cool ones with actual personality had themselves a woman or two to engage in sexual activities with. Me? Tonight, I was being the epitome of the Forever Alone meme, locked up in my room, or perhaps just being antisocial in general. However you view it, I just hadn't hung out with anybody all day.
Then, a miracle. While ~~watching pornographic material~~ surfing the internet, I received a text message from one of my few friends (referred to from here on out as Mike, not his real name), inviting me to a party he's heard of. He said there'll be lots of alcohol and that it'll be a great time. Maybe lots of women, if we're lucky. Being a bored crippling alcoholic, there was no way I could refuse. Overjoyed with the prospect of getting absolutely trashed, I eagerly respond and wait patiently for him to return.
Fast forward a few hours. Me, Mike, and two of Mike's friends arrived at an acquaintance's apartment to pregame. Before my eyes sat a one-gallon bottle of Five O'Clock Vodka, perhaps the cheapest and most disgusting liquor to plague the market. Broke alcoholics swear by it, connoisseurs swear at it. Mike and I, however, had no problem chugging it. Sure, it was like slamming gasoline, but it was still free liquor, and I was bound to get as much of it as I could, while I had the chance.
After engaging in other drinking festivities, the five of us finally decided to head out to the party, which was only a couple blocks down from the apartment. As I stepped out into the frigid air, I began to feel the physiological effects of the vodka. *No problem, I've been drunk many times before,* I thought to myself, watching Mike and the others mess around as we merrily walked down the road. Yet, this time, something was different.
Entering the apartment and being greeted by familiar deafening techno music and flashing lights, I was overcome by a sense of rage. Colors danced across the walls, floor, and ceiling to sweet, computerized rhythm, all the while I felt increasingly angry--yes, that was it, I was angry at *something,* I just didn't know what. Didn't matter much, though, seeing as now, the last thing I wanted to do was interact with any fuckin' body. I just wanted to be left alone. Fuck the world.
Then, a transition occurred. Next thing I knew, I was standing in the middle of my dorm room, in blissful silence, with the fluorescent light above glaring at me. Other than the severe tinnitus, I was unable to hear anything. I was no longer angry, I was only perplexed at how difficult it was to maintain balance, and how sloppy my vision had become. I locked my door, shut off the light, and somehow made it to the safe confines of my mattress. Shutting my eyes, I felt the intensity of 'the spins' send me into a state of unconsciousness.
Suddenly, it was 9:00 a.m, and I was awoken by a loud pounding on my door. Having no idea why I feel drunk, I make my way to my door and prepare to face the music. Will it be the hall director? The police? I fling open the door and am greeted by one of my friends from last night, who tells me the whole story.
Turns out, I blacked out that night (who knew?) and acted very aggressively towards my friends and other innocent party-goers. The highlight of my violent behavior was me screaming nonsense about the Vietnam War; despite me being far too young to have served in the war, apparently I yelled things such as, "Fuckin' Vietnam flashbacks!" and "Charlie's in the trees! Fuck you! Fuckin' 'Nam! I WAS THERE!" I behaved so poorly that I ruined the entire party and had to be physically dragged back to our D.D's car.
Oh, yeah, I also ran around the dorm's parking lot, yelling, "SIR, YES SIR! VIETNAM 1967! WHOOOO! GET SOME!" in front of several police officers who, surprisingly, didn't care.
If you've made it this far, congrats, and thanks for putting up with my shitty writing.
TL;DR: Got blackout drunk off of Five O'Clock Vodka and got Vietnam flashbacks, despite being born almost 20 years after the war ended
PutinInDetroit: Great story!
> yelling, "SIR, YES SIR! VIETNAM 1967! WHOOOO! GET SOME!"
thats awesome sir!
NamThrowaway1967: Thanks, I appreciate the feedback!
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1400068775 | 1400116719 | t3_25j4lh | t5_2to41 | 308 | pandahavoc: TIFU by agreeing to visit my dying grandfather without checking the fine print.
My grandfather is dying. Not "on death's door" dying, but he's on his way out with multiple organ failure. I've never met him, and the other one died 20+ years before I was born. From what I know he's kind of a bastard, but I figured I should at least meet the guy before he dies. So far, so good.
Except for how I'm getting there.
See, my mom has gone a bit wonky in the head since *her* mom (ex-wife of dying grandfather) died a few years ago. Uberbitch with moodswings, threatened to kill my step-dad, broke up with my step-dad, mutual restraining orders soon followed by reconciliation, etc. The usual white trash emotional shuffle.
My step-dad is a bit of an over-bearing macho guy, but deals with my mom fairly well. They just bicker with each other constantly, about everything. They argue about arguing with each other. They wake up at 3AM and whisper angrily at each other for 20 minutes before going back to bed. They cannot go more than an hour without an argument.
As you may expect, I can't deal with this for extended periods of time. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom. I just don't respect her ever since I was embroiled in the argument about her giving my step-dad a blowjob, right before she nearly got arrested and I had to drive her drunk ass to a family friend's house so she wouldn't be. That kinda thing tarnishes the silverware.
How do all of these things tie in together? Well, my grandfather lives somewhere on the New York side of the Vermont border. My mom lives in California. I live in Arizona. They hate flying, and want to visit other family that lives between us and the nearly departed. I'm a broke college student and can't afford to buy a plane ticket.
So we're driving there. And then back, 2 weeks later. All three of us and a chihuahua.
I just checked the distance and driving time. 5,286 miles and roughly 80 hours, round trip.
We leave in 4 days.
**TL;DR** I agreed to be trapped in a car with my emotionally unstable mother for more than 3 entire days.
^(Edit: I accidentally a word)
Joebroni1414: You know Greyhound(the bus for non US redditors) may get you there...sound like many hours with smelly strangers may be better than many hours with your family, and you still see your grandfather in the process. And its a lot cheaper than flying.
Elwood_Blues_: There's a bus, in America, specifically for non US Redditors ؟
phoenixlrd: So what if you're a US redditor? How do they know?
Elwood_Blues_: They hear them 3 minutes before they arrive at the bus stop? They take up 2 seats on the bus? They're wearing at least 4 American flags[?](http://www.imgur.com/ur4lrFi.jpg)
phoenixlrd: The driver then says "Are you /u/unidan?" and if they say huh? they pass. But if they say "naa, i'm not that guy, i'm /u/Elwood_Blues_ " then Sirens go off on the bus and a bouncer jumps out from under a seat and throws them off the bus by their neckbeard.
Elwood_Blues_: Oops, forgot one.
They get hilariously upset upon hearing jokes about America?
The_fisherman_king: I, for one, love and respect our American overlords.
| 8 | 38.5 | |
1400071011 | 1400079229 | t3_25j6xe | t5_2to41 | 14 | Ialwaysfuck_up: TIFU by Asking but not asking her to prom.
This happed a few weeks back but the memories are still very fresh. So there was this one girl that I go to school with, she is crazy smart, beautiful and funny. So I mustered up the courage one lunch time to ask her out. I approach her ask her if she has a spare moment so I can speak to her. She said yeah okay! So I let my question rip. Stuttering and shaking I said " I really like you and I am crazy nervous..." she interrupts me with a giggle and says "That's okay. Is their anything else you would like to ask me?" so now back to me... my heart begins to pound so I lift my arm up, place my hand behind my head smile and say "Nah". Dumbest mistake of my life now she is going to prom with someone else ;(
OnyxEcho: Man I'm sorry to hear that. But you should've just went on with it! Be confident. Even if she said no, if you had asked her, you had the confidence to do so.
WhyamIreadingthis: Thanks for telling him exactly what he already knows. His regret is the whole point of the post.
OnyxEcho: I'm jut most trying to be nice! :(
WhyamIreadingthis: Telling him he should've went for it is just rubbing it in.
OnyxEcho: Not really. I'm just trying to be nice by saying so. Should I tell him to get over it and she doesn't matter? No.
| 6 | 2.333333 | |
1400072571 | 1400221636 | t3_25j8o6 | t5_2to41 | 11 | jizz_eye_joe: TIFU by getting back together with a girl without being certain if I wanted to
Hi there. Very new to these communities. This is actually my first post ever. So here we go...
I have a 5-year old relationship with this girl during which time we've had a break or two but nothing serious... the girl is nice and has improved in behavior over the last years. Also, the sex has always been good at least for me.
At first I made a ton of effort and tried very hard to make her love me back and to make this relationship work. We always had our little arguments but they kind of light the fire in our relationship. But you know, time passes and there is also this other girl who has a similar personality to my gf and we've been talking a lot while my gf was mostly busy with work and i kinda sabotaged my relationship by developing some feelings to the new girl.
But I love my gf without a doubt... I don't know if I am still in love with her but I do want her to be happy and I do like to make her smile. It's just that sometimes I feel I'd rather spend time with my friends without her and that I always need a lot of space. I sincerely have no idea if I should be with her or not and through a ton of thinking and conversations I've reached zero conclusions.
These last weeks we had a lot of small fights about how I was cold and distanced from her, didn't talk much didn't smile a lot...
So the other day we had a fight and she was so nice and mature at the start saying she will do whatever it takes for us to make it but I couldn't help but being a jerk like I somehow wanted this to end and when I made her cry she said we should break up.
But the next day I felt so guilty and I missed her so much (and I also worried she might move on) so I rushed to her home and told her I'd do anything to light the sparkle again... and we got back together. And I was kind of lying since I wasn't sure this was the best thing at all.
TL;DR I got back with my gf before thinking enough to realise if I wanted to, but I sincerely doubt there is a way I could be sure about it.
Chris-P: This isn't a fuck-up, this is just you being indecisive. If you want to figure out if it's going to work with her, try engaging in the relationship rather than closing off and over-thinking everything. If you find you're happy, then stay. If you find you're not happy, have a serious talk with her.
Skittl3z: Can't get over how much this sounds like my exact same situation right now.. hearts pounding.. baffled and broken
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1400070922 | 1400129677 | t3_25j6u7 | t5_2to41 | 3,337 | veganfromla: TIFU by sleepwalking naked.
This was last year. I had just finished an eighteen hour shift. When I got home my SO had dinner ready for me so we ate then went to bed and had sex I went to sleep immediately after still naked. My SO and her friends were going to a concert that night, we lived near the venue so they were all pre drinking at my place. This is when it all went bad, I slept walked naked through to the living room and plopped myself down on the couch between her and 4 or 5 of her friends. She threw a blanket over me and began shaking me and screaming so I eventually wake up and ask her what the problem is. She started shouting at me informing me of what I had just done while her friends awkwardly watched TV. They left the room so Iran back to our bedroom. She didn't speak to me for a few days but eventually realised it was a complete accident. I avoided her friends for a while but eventually had to see them. They were cool about it and now it's something we laugh about. My friends still make fun of me for it, and I think they always will.
TheNewSam: I don't know how you got Iran involved in this, but otherwise an entertaining story. Honestly though you can't control the sleepwalking so your SO should have been fine with it.
Plyphon: Yeah right - "a few days"? God help you if you forget your anniversary
RightInTwain: I can understand if she was a little raw about it for an hour or three but "a few days" sounds like she is seriously unsympathetic. I bet she gives you shit about any small deviation from her expectations of behavior, but when she fucks up she expects you to be extremely understanding. Or am I just talking about my ex here?
veganfromla: Perhaps I worded that wrong she spoke to me but things weren't completely back to normal for a few days. Also I had never slept walk around her in the year we had been together, it had been years since I had so I think she was taken aback by my debut.
brobro2: I guess that makes sense. Not everyone understands sleepwalking, and she may have more likely just thought you were drunk. Yelling at you and waking you up was a very... dangerous move. Disturbing a sleepwalking person can have weird consequences.
[deleted]: That is an urban legend with no basis in reality. There is absolutely nothing wrong with waking up a sleepwalker.
brobro2: I don't know. [Even an article debunking the idea that waking a sleepwalker will hurt them](http://mentalfloss.com/article/49053/why-arent-you-supposed-wake-sleepwalker), suggests not doing it.
[deleted]: Because why disturb someones sleep if you dont have to? There is no reason to wake them just as there is no consequence to waking them. [This](http://sleepfoundation.org/sleep-disorders-problems/abnormal-sleep-behaviors/sleepwalking) one says it can be dangerous not to wake them! But even if they cant decide on whether to wake someone or not they all agree there is no danger in waking them.
bartycrank: I've personally known plenty of people who will wake up swinging. Unless you know someone very well, there's no telling whether it will be safe to disturb their slumber.
TripleFFF: I will wake up punching if i sleep in a strange place, or don't recognise where I wake up. Just this week I fell asleep in my truck, and when one of the workers woke me up I punched the shit out of the crossbar infront of me and split my knuckles open
| 11 | 303.363636 | |
1400073462 | 1400080366 | t3_25j9qr | t5_2to41 | 58 | IndochinoTT: TIFU by messaging my married friends "Happy Anniversary!" at 8am
About to go for a morning jog and see "X anniversary" in my calendar. In my impulsiveness I sent off a "it's weird that this is in my calendar but happy anniversary" Msg to both of them.
Apparently the wife (my friend first) hadn't remembered and, but the hubby had a gift and card.
"Thanks a lot IndoChinoTT, great way to start my morning "
TL:DR I should erase anniversaries from my calendars.
i_go_to_uri: How is that your fault? The wife fudged up. If anything you gave her an excuse to go out early morning and get a gift and disguise it as a coffee run
IndochinoTT: Lol. I msged both of them early in the morning. If I'd only msged her or did it later, it wouldn't have stirred up a Hornets nest
mckeefner: Dude No. Her fault. She is pissed that she forgot and looks like a bitch. You saved her ass. She is a shitty wife and friend if she takes it out on you.
| 4 | 14.5 | |
1400072056 | 1400102699 | t3_25j81b | t5_2to41 | 45 | [deleted]: TIFU - By leaving my door open.
This is a memory my wife and I have tried to forget for a very long time. Back when my wife and I were first dating we were very cautious about having sex at each others houses. We did the usual things like wait till the the parents were asleep and even go out and hire hotel rooms.
Being a parent myself now I'm sure both her and my parents knew exactly what we were up to. So much so that they even shouted us a night at one of the classiest hotels in the city. That was a fantastic weekend and on Sunday morning we checked out and headed back to my place because i had to work in a few hours. We get to my place and no-one is home.
I get a call from my parents telling us they were out shopping would be home in a few hours. I jumped in the shower then started to get ready to head in to work. My Girlfriend started to playfully tease me and since we had some time to kill we decided to fool around. I threw on a Porno as we both like to watch while playing and after about 10 minutes of foreplay we are going at it. I remember at the time she was complaining that i was never vocal enough during sex, so i decided to give her a show. Pounding away I started grunting, by the time I climaxed i was screaming as we were both lost in each other.
Then I turn my head and see my mother standing in my doorway. I'll never forget the look on her face seeing me and my my girlfriend naked with her legs over her head and a porno playing full volume behind us. My mother left without saying a word and we both quickly got dressed. I went to work an hour early and she ran out the house completely embarrassed.
About 2 hours into my shift I get a call from my mother. She simply said 'next time, shut your damn door'. I was a wreck for the rest of the day.
Every time from then on if we were in the house alone my mother would call 10 minutes prior to coming home to make sure she never walked in on us again.
Voyager5555: TIL You can hire a hotel room
ircanuck: You can also shout the classy ones.
| 3 | 15 | |
1400076336 | 1400187776 | t3_25jdq0 | t5_2to41 | 166 | tifuglass: TIFU by using SOCKS in a way that they shouldn't be used
So some nights ago I woke up because of sudden need to pee. I went to toilet, did the job and was heading back to my bed. I didn't turn on the lights, in my room so that I wouldn't become too much awake and disturbed by brightness. I was softly rolling my hands over the walls to find the way. Not really a difficult task, since I can navigate my room pretty much by memory.
However, I totally had forgotten that I placed a drinking glass half full with water near the edge of a table. A table which I was sweeping across with my hand... So the glass got knocked over and landed on the floor. It was an old soviet made glass, which had become brittle over the years, resulting in many very small glass shards. And the worst - water helped them to spread around all the room, both in front and behind me.
There I was - barefooted in a pitch black room, surrounded by many small glass shards. Light switch was far away from my reach. Fortunately I was in reach of drawers where I was storing my underwear and socks. I grabbed a soft wool sock, dropped it on the floor, stepped on it and swept all the glass from my way to light switch like a windscreen wiper on a car. Afterwards I threw the sock on radiator, so that it would dry and I could shake out the glass shards from it later. I felt pretty happy about my sharp solution and felt that I did it in a kind of way Indiana Jones would do 8-)
So fast forward one day - I am sitting by my desk and was going to do what all guys do - have a short quality time with my sausage. After a few minutes I was close to being done with it. There was no tissues around so I grabbed a sock next to me from radiator where a bunch of them was drying after last washing and popped it up on my obelisk..... grabbed a sock...radiator....last...washing.....wait....ohhhhhhhNNNNGHHHGHHGHGHHGHHGHGH
The next moments are difficult to describe by words. It is even difficult to describe them by feelings. I think I felt what the first atoms felt miliseconds after the Big Bang. The whole universe was opening for me. For a moment, the universe stands still. Then — collapse. I witness the birth of galaxies and stars.
Vasillas: I'm not sure if the last part of this is saying it was an amazing experience or that it was the most painful thing you've ever experienced
NIQuribe: He just ran his dick in a sock with tiny glass shards.
Vasillas: different strokes for different folks and all that
NIQuribe: And such is life
| 5 | 33.2 | |
1400070927 | 1400370452 | t3_25j6uf | t5_2to41 | 50 | Vjunn: TIFU playing porn on full sound
So I'm a 19 year old male, living with my two brothers and my mother.
I'm currently studying really hard and I use to come out of school at 10pm.
Today was one of those day, I had just been studying math from 8am to 10pm and felt exhausted. I figured out I deserved a bit of "me time".
Dropped my bag on the floor, got in my room, pulled my pants down and lied in my bed : this is gonna be *great*.
I take my smartphone and find a great video on a subreddit I won't mention *wink*. I put the video on mute ln order to be able to hear if my relatives approached (I don't have any lock).
*Fullscreen, let the fun begin.*
I will skip the details but things were going really well until that happens : a small piece of dust lands on the right of my screen. I thought "come on,that little thing won't interfere with my solo-wrestle" so I brush it away when the situation begins to go OUT OF CONTROL.
Apparently, if you swipe on the right side of the screen, it turns the volume up. I think you know what's coming : it rises to the maximum, on full sound. But that's not it : just as it happens, the actor gives her partner the loudest slap on the ass I have ever heard. I swear to god I never heard one that loud. But wait, there's more (such reference) : she literally screams on top of her lungs (I can still hear it echoing in my head).
I went on panic mode, put my finger on the speaker and turn it back to mute. My heart beats faster than Usain Bolt and I learned how quickly an hard on can be lost.
Worst part is : after that, my whole house sounded soooo quiet. Letting me bath in my shame.
Take note guys : plug some headphones while polishing your aspargus.
TL;DR : accidentaly put my porn on full sound in the familial house
By the way English is not my first language so i apologize for any mistake or for the boring writing style
GrukfromtheGrok: [Po....Polishing your....asparagus?](http://replygif.net/i/111.gif)
Iggins01: english is not his first language
Vjunn: Can't you polish your aspargus? Or wax your stick? Or climb your pole single handedly?
Cerikal: Choke the chicken, spank the monkey....
dancingmrt: Muzzle-load the blunderbuss...
Cerikal: I've never heard that one before. Now I have to wait for a chance to use it.
| 7 | 7.142857 | |
1400077563 | 1400157708 | t3_25jfhh | t5_2to41 | 87 | [deleted]: TIFU, Hotel Poop
In a hotel. Slow run to bathroom, I really need to shit.
Sit and shit. Toilet lid down. Mad cow diarrhea. Mistakes were made. Puckered, remedied the problem of said toilet lid but the damage was already done.
P.S. this is the first time in 23 years of life I've ever sat without looking.
MyNameIsSkittles: Protip: you can call the front desk and request rags to clean it up, hell you can even get a staff member to clean it for you. Trust me hotel staff are used to it, and they'd rather clean it than have you ruin white towels.
[deleted]: I will honestly say that overall, I'm probably an asshole human, but I am not that big of an ass.
MyNameIsSkittles: I will honestly say, I work in a hotel and accidents happen a LOT. We would rather clean it up for you than have you destroy nice white towels.
If you'd rather clean it up yourself, just ask the front desk for rags. We have a million and they are used for cleaning rooms. You can destroy those to your hearts content :)
[deleted]: I spray shat on the top of a toilet. I will gladly clean it myself instead of calling the front desk and telling them I spray shat on the top of a toilet.
The towels normal hotels receive are by the thousands, they are borderline clean white rags. I'll man up and wipe up my own shart haha.
Edit: Just realized I can walk to the front desk and ask for rags and not say I shit on the lid of your toilet. It's been a long week
MyNameIsSkittles: > Normal hotels
There is no such thing as a "normal" hotel.
> by the thousands
Hahahahaha wow. You know nothing about hotels then.
[deleted]: Here's some logic for you..... The hotel I was in had 400 rooms. Each room had 3+ towels in the bathroom for showers and 2+ for the sink outside the bathroom. Do the math. I highly doubt this place had enough towels for each room and that's it. This was a 2 or 3 star hotel. I may not know hotels but I understand reason and logic
MyNameIsSkittles: Hotels aren't endless resources and stock. And I'm done with this, I was trying to be helpful. But if you're too embarrassed over some shit and really feel like destroying property because your fat ego can't simply ask for a few rags, I hope one of these days a hotel catches you ruining property and charges you out the ass.
[deleted]: That escalated for no reason haha. I wasn't even arguing. Just said I'd rather clean my own mess and you get pissed off =P. I display the fact that at any point there are over 2000 towels in use and display in a 400 room hotel, which can't include what they have already being cleaned (thousands like I said before) and you get more pissed off. You don't make sense.
Edit: For clarity, I was in a 2 or 3 star hotel. There were 3 towels in the bathroom for showering and 2 next to the sink outside the bathroom. 5 towels * 400 rooms = 2000 towels available to rooms. Does not include towels being exchanged or cleaned. Am I wrong? haha. This is the literal amount that I had in my room at any given point.
BobVosh: I too work at a hotel, and yes while we do have several thousand towels, we do prefer you ask for rags. That said any housekeeper is extremely glad you cleaned it up, and only the management cares at all that a towel is lost. Even then a single towel shrinkage is not noticeable.
You could go to the front desk and say you destroyed said towel, and most likely they will write it off. A very cheap hotel might make you pay.
| 10 | 8.7 | |
1400082650 | 1400091703 | t3_25jnbf | t5_2to41 | 10 | JuusteZ: TIFU by wearing my hood in the rain
I couldn't see, so I rode my bike right into a trailer. I bruised my sternum pretty bad.
SpartanJuiceCarton: Sternum?
Soz lol I'm a bit of an idiot
freedomcominthrough: > Soz
the central bone at the front of the ribcage. parallel to your spine, well not really but you get the point.
SpartanJuiceCarton: Oooh right thanks!
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1400084253 | 1400085907 | t3_25jpys | t5_2to41 | 21 | NancyFuckinGrace: TIFU by asking reddit for help
So this probably isn't much but just happened. No sex or awkwardness, just me and my poor decision making skills
I posted about a possible "fake" Surefire tactical weaponlight Flashlight I've been saving up for for some time now but my doubts on whether it was real or not to spend the money on.
less than 3 hours later I find that my post has gone unanswered, and someone bought out the rest of the stock of them.
I thoroughly learned my lesson about coming here for help on prices
TIFU by posting a link to something I wanted at a great price, assholes bought it
fredinvisible: It says there's one left in stock. Better get in quick!
NancyFuckinGrace: they were $130 before, now they are close to $600...
fredinvisible: Ah, shit. That sucks.
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1400083919 | 1400641113 | t3_25jpfr | t5_2to41 | 89 | cumdumpsterjazzhands: TIFU by trying to negotiate a job offer
Hi TIFU, first post here and first time using a throwaway. It's not a NSFW post but my regular account is subbed to local subs so just in case anyone I know had caught into my username...
Anyway, I've been working a temporary position the past three months. Not making terrible money, but definitely making less than I should be. I'm new to the field, but it is perfectly suited to me and I have all the skills necessary to make it work in the long run. They've given me tons of on the job training, I've found close to half a million dollars worth of inventory the company thought was lost because I'm so damn good at the details.
I love what I was doing, and I was going to be moving into a position that would require more than regular full time hours. I was not only learning new things every day, but applying them to my daily tasks, taking on more responsibilities, and turning what I learned around and teaching my tips and tricks to people who had been with the company longer. It was great. I was working domestically and internationally. I had been put in charge of many things and my new role would have, with any other company, been a lower to middle management position.
I was told less than a month into my temporary position that they wanted to keep me permanently, but I had to ride out the contract. No problem, I say, I'll keep showing up as long as I keep getting paid. We'll work out the details later. So the time comes for me to become a permanent employee. I'm three days off my temp contract before they get me an offer letter. I had been advised that it would probably be low and that I should negotiate. I had done tons of research that told me what was on my offer was the lowest of low ball offers for this type of position, and is usually reserved for someone with absolutely zero experience, probably an associates degree or less (I have a bachelor's and they'd already trained me for three months and proved I can do any and everything they throw at me), and that most likely I should be making a bit more. This isn't the the type of company that has a typical management hierarchy. You are really your own manager. There's no ladder to climb, so as you can imagine I feel like I need to ask for a little bit more knowing that I probably won't have a raise for a while.
All the research I did told me that *it never hurts to ask for more than you would expect, the worst they can do is tell you their offer is firm or meet you somewhere in the middle*.
Guess what happened? I got pulled into the conference room, told that they were not accepting my counter offer and that they had decided to end my contract. Being completely sidelined, I had nothing to say, felt like I had no chance to ask I'd their original offer was still on the table, nada. What they offered me was going to make my take-home pay less than it was as a 45-hour-per-week temp.
I have spent the past two days getting calls, emails, texts, etc from both my local and international teams asking me if a) I'm OK, and b) why I quit. Apparently HR and the woman who was my biggest mentor and one of my biggest advocates there have told the whole office that I quit.
I want given an option. I didn't quit. If they had taken a slightly different approach and come to me as a discussion, I wouldn't have left. This whole situation is a mess and I'm angry with them. I've been thinking about writing a "thanks for the opportunity, but I am really disappointed in how this was handled" letter but I've been trying to talk myself out of it. I really liked it there.
The worst part is they let me go with the insult that I should go find an hourly position and start over.
Sorry that was long winded. I needed to politely rant.
**TL;DR:** I worked my ass of for a permanent position, got the offer, wasn't told it was a firm non-negotiable one-time thing, tried to negotiate and was asked to leave, then found out they lied to the rest of the office that knew I was an extremely valuable asset to them about why I'm not there anymore.
Edit: thanks for the support. I'm going to make my letter-writing decision in the morning and I'll keep you posted! Shitty party about the job market here is that I could go a while without putting my amazing skills to use!
Update: Former employer has shorted about 20 hours off my last paycheck. My state has no overtime laws but as a temp, I got overtime over 40 hours. For this check (the only one I will get from the company) they decided to split my salaried rate into hourly. Since there was never any discussion of this, I feel like I have the right to ask for overtime compensation. My first paycheck also started mid-week, after I had already put in 40 hours on the temp salary before they started paying. I don't know if I am able to ask for those hours to be overtime-compensated. I'm not looking to be greedy, just properly compensated for my time. I'm hoping it would have been cheaper for them to pay my salaried wage - that way they fucked themselves over.
[deleted]: On a lighter note, this was really well written.
cumdumpsterjazzhands: Thank you! I tried my best to vent honestly and accurately. I'm upset, but things are the way they are.
[deleted]: We're in the same boat.
cumdumpsterjazzhands: The one with a broken oar going in circles, right?
[deleted]: So what's next for you?
cumdumpsterjazzhands: Going to try to row on the other side of the boat, maybe we'll get somewhere.
Realistically, I don't know. I now have my last paycheck in my hand which is 20 hours short. I now have the pleasure of writing a thank you letter AND a you-owe-me-money letter. Jeez Louise this is a great week!
[deleted]: That sucks. Good luck with everything. Keep me updated? Give me hope!
cumdumpsterjazzhands: Thanks. I'll try to. What boat are you in/what's next for you?
[deleted]: I'm currently on my way to my last resort job interview. I don't know what comes after this. One day at a time?
cumdumpsterjazzhands: Something like that. Good luck, and at least it helps pay the bills. I just spent all day revamping my resume. It's so so sad that the three months I spent at this place have new so much amazing stuff to write... It's like I have nothing else to say about my other jobs. The hard core applying comes tomorrow - abd I'm writing a basic cover letter got each one. I've never done cover letters before, but I'm hoping this way at least gets more reads.. only time will tell.
[deleted]: If it helps I have a bad ass cover letter and resume if you need assistance. I always immediately get calls for interviews but once I'm sitting there during the actual interview, I panic and talk myself up to look like an asshole or start babbling and making no sense.
cumdumpsterjazzhands: Lolsies. I'm terrible at interviews. But I already have one scheduled and the temp agency has me back in their rotation starting tomorrow.
| 13 | 6.846154 | |
1400091441 | 1400092834 | t3_25k282 | t5_2to41 | 9 | loserpooser: TIFU by getting too nervous at my interview
I had an interview this morning with a great marketing agency in this beautifully aged nyc building right in the financial district. I wasn't feeling too well in the morning and I was very tired due to a lack of sleep from the shitty mattress I'm sleeping on for the summer. I get there and my interviewer looks like fucking Jeff Goldblum, and I freaking love Jeff Goldblum. I get nervous, lose half my vocabulary, can't focus. I know I messed up. I walk out of there, think about how I messed it up the whole ride home, sleep, and wake up to an email saying I didn't get the position.
GeneralMTC: Well there's not all that much you can do about it now lol, but you could start looking around for other jobs in your area, and even if those are lower paying, you could at least afford a better mattress if you want a chance of getting better ones :)
loserpooser: I already have a couple more interviews this week, but the interview I fucked up on was definitely interesting and working for someone who looks like freaking Jeff Goldblum would have been awesome. :(
| 3 | 3 | |
1400092271 | 1400177007 | t3_25k3m1 | t5_2to41 | 2 | godzillaforever: TIFU by not doing what my therapist said
I told my therapist last week that I would start exercising again and that she wouldn't have to worry. Well, tomorrow I meet with her again and as of yet I have not exercised.
My plan is to knock out a weeks worth of exercise by spending several hours later today just busting my ass as if my life depended on it. I don't want to go back tomorrow and have her rip into me for not holding up me end of the bargain so to speak.
Procrastination at it's finest.
I'll probably get my moneys worth and just do a shitload of barbell squats and dumbbell pullovers for maximum delayed onset muscle soreness, and then pig the fuck out for the rest of the night so I end up swole as fuck the next day. When I walk in there she's going to be like "WTF".
Thinking I'm on steroids or something.
This has taken a totally different turn that what I originally expected lol.
Inb4 tomorrow I come back here for "TIFU by doing a weeks worth of exercise in one day".
Inb4 "RIP OP"
Inb4 "You sir are a bonefide dumbass"
Inb4 "Are you serious"
Inb4 "Darwin award"
lookitupdear: I agree with the previous comments, come clean to your therapist. You're only hurting yourself if you don't. Honesty is important in the relationship with them. They can't help you if you don't tell the truth.
Binging on working out at the lat minte before you see them isn't going to help, either. It's going to only make your body feel as though you've declared World War on it and doing much of anything afterward short of blInkIng and breathIng is going to be a a bitch.
I have trouble with procastinating assignments from my therapist, too. I don't know why, when I get them, I have every intention of doing them (and they're not hard) but every time, every. Single. Time, last minute, I end up furiously doing them. But I have a long-standing love-hate relationship with procrastination, anyway.
I agree with talking with your therapist about why you tend to procrastinate. Is it just that you're busy and forget? Do you maybe feel like you don't deserve to do good things for yourself? (Kinda true for me, personally, but it's kInda getting better.)
I've got to remember, too, when it comes down to it, that the only one who can really fix me is me. The assignments are part of fixing it.
I wIsh (wash) you the best
Edit a sentance
godzillaforever: well ive been outside walking more with my dog and i did do a little bit of dumbbell work
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1400094885 | 1400104101 | t3_25k811 | t5_2to41 | 61 | crisothetank: TIFU by pissing on my older brothers face
Okay so this happened two years ago but I've seen people posting things which have happened a while back so I thought this would be okay, plus it's a pretty big fuck up.
It was a hot summers day in June, (I live in the UK folks, so this is rare) and I was still in my school days. I wasn't used to this heat so I drank lots of water throughout the day to keep hydrated, and on my way home I got this sudden urge to piss. I needed to go so bad it hurt. As soon as I got in I rushed to the toilet without even saying hello to my mum. I actually had my package out before I was even in the bathroom, I stepped around the door, closed my eyes and sighed a sigh of relief as the floodgates finally opened. Then I heard a weird splashing noise and looked down at my older brothers face, which was now covered in my piss. It turns out he'd been on the toilet having a shit, and had his headphones in while watching a video on his tablet, and therefore had not heard me come in.
What followed was possibly the two most awkward minutes of my life, as it fully dawned on me what I'd done. The look in my brothers eye conveyed a clear meaning: get the fuck out. I slowly backed away, handing him the nearest towel, and finished my piss upstairs, remembering to turn the shower on for him on my way out.
We have not spoken about it to this day.
But we both know it happened, and when we're older and we've wives and kids, we'll be sitting around the table, and I'll look into his eye, and he mine, and I know we'll both be thinking about the time I pissed directly into his face.
edrt_: It will always be awkward to talk about it, but it seems he forgave you for it, and that truly makes him a Golden brother.
crisothetank: Nicely worked in there, but the funny thing is that as piss goes it wasn't too bad, I'd been drinking water all day so it pretty much came out crystal clear.
dancingmrt: >> it basically came out **crystal light**
Sounds delicious.
| 4 | 15.25 | |
1400093449 | 1400104102 | t3_25k5me | t5_2to41 | 17 | UTexasEdu: TIFU and missed my final
Not today, a number of years ago.
My freshman year I had a final on a Saturday. I got a call that night from people in my class asking me how hard I thought it was. I said "what are you talking about, it's Saturday... no one has finals on Saturday." Looked at the syllabus, I was wrong. Freaked out. Like to the point where I ran laps around the entire campus until I could calm down. Emailed the prof, explained I was a dumbass freshman. Luckily because I showed up to class every day, she changed my grade so I didn't fail the class.
TL DR; Didn't believe there are finals on Saturdays. There are finals on Saturdays.
vo0d0ochild: Now you know for sophmore year rofl. You're lucky that you attended class and the prof wasnt a douche
Jimmacle: > Not today, a number of years ago.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1400096595 | 1400343449 | t3_25kb0f | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by attempting to hand someone their coffee.
My typical routine before work is to stop by Dunkin Donuts and order a large iced coffee (cream and sugar) and a bagel. This morning was no different. Said hi to the folks working behind the counter ordered my coffee and bagel, paid, and walked a few steps to the pick-up side of the counter.
Around this time, Dunkin was a bit busy. The woman in front of me in line ordered four drinks, coffees and coolatas and all that good stuff. She apologized for taking so long at the counter. I told her it was nothing and bid her a good day. Typical stuff at this point.
She and I are both waiting at the pick-up counter and her drinks come out in that recycled cardboard 4-cup holder thing. The guy serving it up pushed it onto the counter, but not close enough to her. I decided to help her out by picking up the 4-cup carrier thing and handing it to her.
I have essential tremor (ET). My ET is pretty mild compared to some other cases I've seen. It limits what kind of jobs I can pick up (say, serving. I can't do that to save my life). It also limits my crafting abilities, but I tried to do them anyway. This is all beside the point. The medication I take to combat some of the tremors is mostly effective if I take it early enough in the day. Unfortunately, I didn't take it early enough today, hand started shaking, and I pretty much lost control of my hand and dropped all 4 drinks on the ground.
The woman was initially startled and then angry. She accused me of throwing them on the ground because she took so long to order and I must have been upset and passive aggressive about it. I tried to communicate to her that I had a tremor and I was honestly trying to be helpful, but she wasn't having it. She continued to rant and rave, I started to cry. I offered to help clean up the mess, but one of the guys behind the counter told me not to worry about it.
They comped her coffee after I attempted to pay for it. She claimed that I had "done enough." I felt miserable. When people yell at me, I shut down. I could barely defend myself. I was honestly trying to be helpful. My tremor was an event beyond my control.
tl;dr: TIFU by attempting to hand someone her coffees, having a tremor, spilling everything everywhere, and getting verbally assaulted as a result.
Webbby: I feel your pain I have ET it sucks.. What medication are you on? I haven't found one that works with out side effects :(
[deleted]: Propranolol has been steadily working for me. It has also helped with my anxiety to a small degree. But I get a few side effects, like tiredness and dizziness.
Webbby: I think I might have tried propranolol :( I remember trying something and it practically knocked me out and gave me like night terrors? I'd wake up panicking and shacking for no reason ahah kinda didn't help. You heard about an operation you can get? I remember some one telling me something about it but I can't remember
[deleted]: Operation? I have an aversion to procedures of any kind, so I may have tuned it out if I have indeed heard about it. I may have to research this.
Webbby: Ahah as do I when it come down to the brain ahah and likewise :)
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1400096578 | 1400260999 | t3_25kazi | t5_2to41 | 15 | superstooper: TIFU by making a bong
Wall of text incoming.
So this happened about 3 years about when I attempted my first semester at University. I was 18 at the time and I had just started getting into smoking weed. I've never been much of a drug guy, but I had a lot of friends who were really into it and I would always join in when they were hittin' the devil's lettuce.
Anyways, I picked up a little bit from a friend and I decided to follow in the footsteps of all great stoners and build my own bong. I snapped some water bottles together with some duct tape and plumbing parts, and BEHOLD, my masterpiece was complete.
7 AM. A brisk Canadian morning. Before hopping onto public transit to head to class I decide it'd be a great idea to christen my new bong. I load it up with everything I have (about 2g), and I let it rip.
*smooth as a mofucka*
Now, luckily I had prepared my bag and house keys just in case I was too far gone to function, which I was. I walked downstairs and looked in the fridge for some breakfast munchies, and all we had were [these](http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/31OPJUuu4aL.jpg)
*Woooooord cosmic brownies*
So I ate a couple of those bad boys and headed off into the wilderness. Somehow I ended up in my Forensics class about 30 seconds later. I used to sit next to this super cute asian chick, and we had a pretty good acquaintanceship. Well at this point I feel a burp coming up, so I try and stealth it out and **BAM**. I fucking puked cosmic brownie ALL OVER MY DESK. The cosmic ooze was all over my books and shit, and the smell, oh lord. All I could think to do was look at the cute gal next to me and mutter "sorry" and then try to scrape the liquid mess I had made into the trash can. Blacked out again after this, and ended up on the train home. I still have no idea what else happened, or how the hell I made it home. I still gag at the smell of weed today.
**TL;DR** Smoked weed before class and had mouth diarrhea next to a cute girl.
Protagonists: very similar thing happened to my friend after we blazed. He was feeling a bit sick so my friend bought him a hot chocolate at tim hortons and right when he set it in front of him my friend threw up all over the table and on the hot chocolate.... then we just left...
superstooper: Oh man that's just the worst. This combination should be referred to as "browning out" from now on.
| 3 | 5 | |
1400101687 | 1400192157 | t3_25kjzd | t5_2to41 | 3,727 | Idiotechnicality: TIFU by: wiping my mouth (nsfw)
Hey guys. Long time lurker, finally set up an account almost exclusively to post this.
So, myself (a guy), my good friend Sarah, and two other friends of mine are hanging out in Sarah's apartment. We are excited to check out the new burrito placed that has opened up across the street, as well as a gallery opening that's happening down the street. Sarah's boyfriend Shawn comes home and we invite him to come with us to the gallery after burritos, but he declines, as he has to work shortly after we planned on leaving. Oh well.
The burritos arrive. We all eat happily, have a couple drinks, clean up our mess, and are on our way. We all say goodbye to Shawn, who has already begun preparing for work. The gallery thing is predictably cute, but small, and after about an hour, we decide to head back to Sarah's place for some furious Mario Karting and more drinks.
By the time we return to Sarah's, Shawn has already left, and I plunk myself down on the only couch in her living room, while everyone else mills around getting drinks and chatting. As we start playing Kart in earnest, I attempt to take a drink during a race (ill-advised, I know) and spill my beer down my chin and onto my shirt a little bit. Not the end of the world, considering that out of the corner of my eye, I can see a napkin from the burrito place! How convenient! I'll just bring this napkin to my face. To wipe off the beer. Almost second nature. Simple.
As I dab the beer from my chin, I sense something. A familiar smell, but not a pleasant one. Chlorine? No. But acrid like that. Like maybe someone was using this to clean something, but used the wrong chemicals. Like a mild bleach. Like a stale room. Like... Like...
Like Jizz.
Like someone had jizzed in this napkin and left it on the couch. Like Sarah's boyfriend had, instead of coming out with us, stayed home and jerked off on the very couch I was sitting on, jizzed on a napkin, and left it lying there like a little souvenir; something to remember him by.
Like something I had just brought to my face. And wiped on my chin.
So that's what just happened. After showing Sarah and watching her freak out and toss the offending material across the room, I bolted to the bathroom to scrub my face and hands. She confronted Shawn, who after initial denial, admitted to: getting high, jerking off, and immediately forgetting where he was, or what he had done. Both have been apologetic...
...but it takes a lot of apologizing to get the smell of jizz out your nose.
Tl;dr: I wiped my face with a fresh jizzrag.
readitgotitgood: Well at least you and Sarah have something else in common now.
zsyylpmh: ಠ_ಠ
PM_ME_Y0UR_PROBLEM: (ಠ◡ಠ ✿)
IAMA_otter: Do people actually PM you their problems? What do you do with them?
PM_ME_Y0UR_PROBLEM: Yeah, actually some do. I try to get to them and give them my perspective on things that they're going through. The other half that sends me messages are trolls. Haha.
IAMA_otter: Good on you. It's nice to see people being helpful.
the_winter_storm: As an otter, how did you learn to internet?
IAMA_otter: Same as any human, I got a computer opened up internet explorer, since it was the only browser on there, and regained consciousness a week later having seen many strange, horrid and even wondrous things.
the_winter_storm: In that case: Welcome!
| 10 | 372.7 | |
1400107010 | 1400191876 | t3_25ksq1 | t5_2to41 | 26 | [deleted]: TIFU by calling my friend fat, then hitting on her
Technically, this didn't happen all in one day. Barring that aside, I have a friend who was interested me at some point but then it just turned into friendship. She had recently got dumped and I blatantly told her that she's fat and should lose weight. I was drunk at that time.
Well, now I fucked up because I actually started "liking liking" her and told her so. Basically I ruined a friendship because of misread signals and being too blunt/honest and not accepting enough.
mankstar: "Liking liking"? Are you 12?
[deleted]: I liked her as my friend, and then I liked her more. Do you want to get caught up in semantics or do you have something worthwhile to add?
Tulabean: Awesome.
doctor_why: He really isn't doing so well at not being a total douche, is he?
Tulabean: Actually I was commending him on his response about getting caught up in semantics. Mankstar wasn't adding anything to the conversation. OP knows he messed up and is genuinely asking for advice.
| 6 | 4.333333 | |
1400108928 | 1400156015 | t3_25kvqe | t5_2to41 | 123 | i_fucked_up_royal: TIFU by having sex with someone who was asleep
Not today, but happened 2 weeks ago.
So my housemate has been a friend with benifits for a while now. Sometimes we would go out together and have a few drinks, have sex. Occasionally we would stay in and watch a film ... then have sex.
The other day was no different. It was a weekend and we both stayed in and watch a couple of films together and had a few drinks.
There was some heavy petting on the sofa (no one else was in so it was all good - only kissing nothing else though). It then gets to the point where she is very tired. I say, "lets put you to bed then". Proceed to put her in bed, then close the door and turn her light off and climb in with her.
Making out continues, she is clearly a bit tired, but still talking and kissing me, dry humping me. There is then fondling both ways, which then leads to sex.
Half way through sex she then wakes up. Screams bloody murder.
I am now freaking out at the thought that I may have raped someone. Having spoken to her she insists she was asleep and basically is saying that I raped her. But is saying while its not ok is putting it down as an accident.
I feel completely disgusting and have shunned social contact with friends and family. I barely feel able to turn up for work and I just completely hate myself.
**TL:DR** - Had sex with fuck buddy, turned out she was asleep, she is now claiming rape, I hate myself.
OhManDontYouKnow: Lol dude... That's the dumbest thing ever. She fell asleep in the middle of sex- and woke up like 2 minutes later and freaked out and called YOU a rapist? That makes no sense. You're better off with out some one like that.
nonchalamment: Dude for all we know she could have fallen asleep way before the sex even happened. People move around when they're asleep.
FrozenTaco5: I don't get why she screamed if having sex was a regular thing between you two? It would be one thing if you've never had sex, but apparently it happens a lot between you two.
aaen: You would scream too, if you woke up with a dick in you.
duckvimes_: Let's test that ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
| 6 | 20.5 | |
1400111767 | 1400267299 | t3_25l02a | t5_2to41 | 74 | OhManDontYouKnow: TIFU by calling my step-mom a bitch.
Okay first off- I have known my step mother since I was 6. I am now 18. You would think we would have at least made up a tad bit right after knowing each other for most of my life right? Haha...wrong. This women is the devil. She has treated me like shit my whole life- and I have never called her one bad thing (to her face) my entire life. I snapped today reddit. I fucking snapped today.
I was gone on a 6 day trip, and I have these birds, right? Finches, they are really cool birds. So I ask her to please take care of them while I am gone. She is like "sure why not?". So I show her what to do, where the food is at, how to give them water- all that stuff. I'm like "wow she actually is keeping care of them for me thanks." So I go on my trip. It was a blast blah blah blah. BUT- when i get back... When I FUCKING get back I look in my cage and my fucking birds are all DEAD. Both of them are on the fucking ground because this cunt let them die. I go storming down the stairs,
"Liz, I thought you were taking care of my birds? They are dead! Did you even feed them like I asked and you SAID you would??"
She is sitting there looking at fucking Walmart coupons. And just looks up casually. "Oh! Oh I'm sorry I forgot!"
"You forgot? YOU SAID you wouldn't forget! ...."
We then proceed to get in a huge fight. I am fuming, she is making shit excuses. My step brother is just watching (I really do consider him a brother. Him and I get along great). My dad has to intervene, I am still just screaming at her and then she says to my dad, "Rick, I do not understand why you let him still live in our home! He doesn't contribute at all blah blah."
Finally I just walk down the stairs to my room with her and my dad still trying to get over things.
Okay first thing you gotta know about my step-mom, she is a complete clean freak. Things have to go her way, dishes have to be put in certain places, tables have to be shining. But one thing that bugs her the most- is that no one ever puts the twisty tie back on the bread. "The air will get to it! Bugs will get to it!". You know- the usual clean freak shit. She never mentions it to me- like ever. I just hear her sighing REALLY loudly (You know, so I get the message), and twist it back up.
Fast forward to today. After burying my birds in the backyard, I decide I want a sandwich, so I go in the kitchen where my step-mom and my step-brother are playing some board game. I make a turkey sandwich with pesto on it, and after putting away everything, I proceed to put the bread away. I look over at my step-mom who is still playing the game with my step-brother.
"Hey Liz, does it bug you much when I don't put the twisty tie on the bread?" She looks over at me- anger still fresh from the previous night. I am holding the bread up with my hands on the part you wrap up.
"Yes. In fact it really bugs me. Please put the twisty tie on."
I then proceed to look her dead in the eye as I flick the twisty tie in the garbage and start to wrap it with out the twisty tie. Still both of us maintains eye contact, I say the word.
"Bitch." I quickly finish wrapping the bread and then put it on the counter. My step-brother looks at me in shock. And so does my step-mom for a moment. Till she stands up and starts yelling my fathers name.
"RICK! RICK! Your son just called me a bitch!" She is screaming. My dad comes in- I quickly run to my room before they can say anything else, and I have been here for about 3 hours now. My dad knocked on the door once...He was pretty pissed... I am so dead.
Igby8776: She killed living things due to her carelessness and so fuck her retarded head.
You've got ever right to be upset and honestly I think I would have done a lot more than just call her a bitch, lol. You didnt do good but you really didn't do a terrible thing. 25m recently kicked out of house and had an EPO placed on me by my own mother. Been there, done that..you did good considering how you could have reacted
Ragnar_OK: What's an EPO?
skatterbug: > EPO placed on me
An EPO is an Emergency Protective Order. It is good for only FOURTEEN DAYS, during which time a hearing will be held on whether or not the court will grant you additional protection.
The next level is obtaining a DVO (Domestic Violence Order), which may be issued by the Court after an EPO hearing at which both parties have an opportunity to appear. If you get an EPO, the DVO is not guaranteed.
A DVO is valid for up to THREE YEARS and can be renewed by the Court.
Ragnar_OK: I see. Sounds pretty major.
Thanks for explaining!
skatterbug: Yep. Sounds like /u/Igby8776 was a bit of a shit.
Igby8776: I wish I could say no, but yes I was quite the shit and while struggling with alcoholism and grieving over my sister, I lost my head for a while and turned into a raging man baby while extremely drunk, high on pills, and pissed off at the world. Epo terms are 100m from mothers house, and her workplace. No direct contact, must use a third party. I admit I was a shithwad and fucked up, but this thread isn't about me and sorry it sort of got hijacked.
Much love brother, hope you make it out of the situation just fine
skatterbug: Given that context, I probably shouldn't have made light of your situation.
It sounds like you are remorseful. I hope you get the help you need so you can mend things with your mother, if that's what you want to do.
Igby8776: No sweat. There really isnt a lot of help out there, its mainly just get off your ass and make the things you want to happen, happen.
skatterbug: There's help for alcohol/drugs, and there is help for the grieving process, but all of it comes down to if you want help and if you're willing to to put in the effort.
That's a really good attitude, get up and get on'er.
| 10 | 7.4 | |
1400112065 | 1400146776 | t3_25l0it | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU by enjoying Parks & Recreations
So I was on my way home from my girlfriend's, minding my own business. It had been a great day, & I was in the mood to make people smile.
As I was looking around my metro train, I saw that a somewhat distressed looking girl next to me was watching parks and recreations, an ebay package in hand.
Being unusually happy, I decided to make the world a little bit better; when I walked out the metro, I texted her saying she had great taste in TV shows. Obviously enough, I had obtained her number from the very obvious credentials on her eBay package.
Obviously she texted me back "who is this" , I explained, and she promptly freaked out , telling me that I was stalking, committing a criminal offense and that she had family in law enforcement.
I'm still in my bedroom, peeking out the window for her cop daddy.
Its a fucking shame; I was just trying to make the world a little bit better by making a depressed person smile. I really fucked up.
strawberrycircus: That was a creepy thing to do, dude. Next time, talk to her while she's in front of
you. Or maybe find some other way to spread cheer - give out some random flowers and smiles?
[deleted]: Yeah, I should be more observant.
strawberrycircus: Next time, get enough info to open up a credit in her name and wait for her to find you so you can tell her you like her.
Wampoose: ...And that's how I met your mother.
ACreepyThrowaway: .... She was my prison pen pal.
| 6 | 3.666667 | |
1400108034 | 1400167892 | t3_25kucr | t5_2to41 | 28 | Mrdeucedeuce: TIFU-Now i have to bleach my skin.
So one day i was walking home and i stepped in some tar that was being used to fill a pothole. My instinct was to brush it off of the sides of my shoe and so i did. When i finally arrived at home i had a bunch of tar all over my hands so i did what any person would, leave it until the next day. When i took a shower and the tar was all gone i have dark yellow stains on my hands that i couldnt remove no matter what i used. Now i have to professionally bleach my skin, which all of my friends make fun of me for since im black...
xc51: I heard diesel fuel will get tar off. Your skin will go back to normal soon enough though, no need for drastic measures.
Darkwave1313: Diesel works great at removing tar. I've used it to clean tar off my truck a few times. Its just not a good idea to let it soak as it will damage the paint if you give it long enough.
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1400114675 | 1400119601 | t3_25l4ff | t5_2to41 | 99 | willy-beamish: TIFU Pissed off girlfriend
Teotwawki69: Your mistake was in using the "h" word. You were referring to your penis, but she naturally heard it as you referring to her ass.
willy-beamish: I was referring to her ass.
Ax_Me_Anything: OP is frank
willy-beamish: Life is too short
Riccars: like your penis :(
willy-beamish: Have an upvote!
| 7 | 14.142857 | |
1400116360 | 1400212087 | t3_25l6z7 | t5_2to41 | 44 | Baconaise: TIFU leaving an already seedy gas station bathroom unbelievably worse than when I entered.
**Prologue**
I was helping a friend move across four states about 3 years back and we get pretty drunk at a friends house party and crash there for the night. Waking up early to get the move on (literally) we head for a waffle house just north of town.
Everything is great at this point. I'm drinking my coffee, having laughs, eating my bacon, eggs, and... blueberry pancakes. I love road trips, and I'm feeling better than ever with an awesome breakfast in my stomach. At this point I blame any uneasiness on how greasy the food was.
**TIFU**
About 10 minutes down the road I start the usual line of questioning in a situation where you're not feeling great about what you ate. I last another 15 minutes when I urge my friend to stop anywhere. We pull up to one of those older 7ft ceiling gas stations with the tiny bathrooms outside.
Puke already building pressure, I take my first step into the bathroom and the smell is horrid. I try to hold my breath and keep my mouth shut, I regret this later. The toilet seat literally has a shit on the seat. The aroma of a weeks worth of piss on the floor singed the nostril hairs. It's 90F outside and I'm standing within a sauna enclosing a cesspool of human waste. Before I even take my second step my sickness overwhelms me and I projectile vomit all the way from the sink on the right to the toilet on the left, a 9 foot perimeter.
The majority of this vomit is pancake with highly artificially flavored and very bright blueberry chunks. My nose burns like fire, I've puked 23.5% through my nose. You suddenly can precisely measure volumes of liquid when you've got vomit coming through your nose.
I blow my nose on the single-ply plywood they call paper towels. At this point I am genuinely concerned whether or not the body can expel food from it's deep sinus cavities, as for certain I have blueberry chunks in my nose because I've now blown three of them out. I begin to take my first breath in the bathroom, the breath which would introduce to me the aroma which will haunt me for the next week, blueberry pancakes and vom. Inhaling further this intertwines with the overwhelming ammonia, shit, mold, mildew, and cigarette stench which Billy Mays himself would admit on Live TV his entire product line couldn't begin to power through. The bathroom's humidity accentuates every scent in the room so well and I've just added bitter (vom), fruity (blueberry), and yeasty (pancake) aromas which immediately cause me to projectile vomit in a much more powerful fire hydrant style burst encompassing the entirety of the toilet from tank to floor mount; Again with the chunks and this time blocking my right nostril entirely. At this point I realize I suck at vomiting or something.
I take a look around. The blueberry chunks which previously seemed such a good idea to eat now pepper the walls like spitballs on a classroom ceiling. Watery pancake remnants are piled at the base of the wall, bits of white egg and red bacon are everywhere. I try to rinse myself with water without touching anything. I grab two handfuls of plywood paper for the road and make for the car like I'm walking away from a crime.
As I open the door the worst thing possible happens and a large, burly man promptly attempts to enter the bathroom behind me enthusiastic to relieve himself. After passing by I couldn't resist looking back, it would be a shame not to witness the reaction. Out of the corner of my eye I peek just long enough to see him first become overwhelmed by the fumes, pull his free arm to cover his nose and shield himself from the bathroom as if it were going to suddenly splash up at him. He then out of curiosity peeked into the bathroom, looked left then right, slammed the door shut and then proceeded into the women's bathroom with a "fuck this shit, it's my only option" body expression.
We're back on the road. Every breath I take, I'm haunted by the reminder that I vomited blueberry pancakes. I start drinking water to chill out, I'm kind of shaking from the violence, I had never projectile vomited before, my abs are sore. Out of the blue, not 47 seconds onto the highway I immediately need to stop and only get half a step out of the truck before I vomit out a slightly diluted mix of pancake and blueberry. Albeit lessened from prior, the momentarily increased intensity of blueberry pancake smell makes me even more sick and at this point I look for any solutions. I pour water straight into my nose, which burns and chokes me, desperate for an escape. It's painful and relieving, the water coats my sinuses and I can take a few short breaths of what smell like pure air for the first time in what feels like an eternity. I contemplate how long I will be stuck with this terrible artificial blueberry smell, could it be forever?
Back on the road another 15 minutes pass and it sets in suddenly again. This time around I know what must be done and use my freshly purchased 1.5L waters to force the last remnants of blueberry pancake from the depths of stomach by repeatedly chugging then vomiting. It's only at this point do I feel relatively comfortable enough to sleep despite the constant reminder with every breath breath I take that I vomited blueberry pancakes.
**TL;DR** Ate blueberry pancakes, impossibly made worse an already devastated bathroom, lodged blueberry pancakes in sinus, reminded of this for a week every time I inhaled.
Friends don't let friends eat waffle house or pancakes and fruit.
I_NEED_FRIENDS: Your post made me dry heave and gag for 7 minutes
Sethyboy0: I just fucking lost it
| 3 | 14.666667 | |
1400092327 | 1400166273 | t3_25k3pe | t5_2to41 | 5 | kanji_sasahara: TIFU by sleeping in a department meeting
Another department was giving a presentation to my group of about 20 people. I'm not the newest hire, but definitely the youngest, and my boss, boss^2, and boss^3 were all attending the meeting. In there taking notes and about 40 minutes in just fell asleep in my chair. My boss^2 kicked my seat to keep me awake.
I have yet to face any consequences because it happened only a couple of hours ago, but I can't imagine getting by scot-free.
Omnia0001: good luck friend. It's possible you won't have any issues as long as you never have it happen again. I would try to apologize and try to talk to all the bosses about it not happening again (and try to gauge their response).
TIFU by dazing off at my cube... lost my job today because contract job. It's.. a difficult thing because I moved to nowhere for the job and on short notice, I got careless and stupid about it (the dazing) but extended my working time to make up and exceed the lost time.
kanji_sasahara: I'm normally awake, but for some reason the presentation bored the shit out of me. I'll probably have a red bull or something to prevent this from happening. It's a mistake and as long as I don't fuck up like that again.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1400118453 | 1400130864 | t3_25la1k | t5_2to41 | 3 | midnightmealtime: TIFU by explaining a girl's picture horribly and then ending a friendship.
So my pal super insecure tanbeds every day dye hair every month new nails every month until she becomes perfect right yeah...
She tells me "be honest how similiar am i compared to this person"
first i call it anorexic
second thrashy
third "why do you want to compare to someone so ugly"
fourth 2/10 for similiar looks 3/10 for my personal likeness
and then i find out it's her... (now she has a twin sister and i was with another pal)
other pal is like so what would you do if you did that to the twin (who i am MUCH closer with) and i just called him a fucking idiot who does it matter who i say that to i never want to hurt someones feelings i apolgized like 50 times cuase i felt like thrash and couldn't work after that then he had to argue about if i said that to twin B instead of twin A and i just couldn't understand what he meant so fucking dumb and then he ran out crying (also super insecure i need to stop being nice to people i don't like cuase i feel like they have no pals, these 3 really piss me off...)
So i'm thrash i ruined a "friendship" made 2 people cry and i can't believe i did that. and my friend isn't even ugly she just took it at a dumb position duck face B&W so yeah...
nadiaco: ouch, truth hurts. seems a little manipulative on her part. not super sensitive on your part. however she had the esteem issues before you were on the scene. wish I could give some advice besides let it go. talking to her will probably not help until she gets some esteem/therapy.
midnightmealtime: i guess just feel like a meanie most of those things where EXACT opposites like anorexic she's slightly overweight and stuff like that
nadiaco: which sounds like you were trying to be supportive not mean. did you know she had a twin before this?
midnightmealtime: oh know i knew the twins haha tehre identicle she just asked and i thought it was some random famous chick i didn't know not like her when she thought she was pretty compared to her apperetnly now ugliness...
| 5 | 0.6 | |
1400121187 | 1400278450 | t3_25le5w | t5_2to41 | -1 | [deleted]: TIFU: The good ol' friend accident
Okay so this wasn't today, but I got fucked up today because of it.
***Setting world war 2.... fuck that- my living room***
Basically I had a friend whom I had entrusted my life into and I mean that serious personal shit and whatnot. I told him about a childhood experience in which I deeply remember as fucking incredible. (For y'all mofos who enjoy some weird shit it'll be in the comments) Well this guy thinking I had told my other friends he told my friend, who is the snitchy nosy kind of person. This guy goes and talks to my mom about that and well... I'm disowned (I'm orphaned... into my own apartment which *I* pay for) from my fucking family. Not to say they're the worst but I'll do fine.
***TL:DR-*** Friend tells friend, ^friend talks to mom casually. ^Disowned.
warhugger: So here we go. ***THIS WAS ALL VOLUNTARY ON ALL ENDS***
Keep^A^Tab^Of^How^I've^Done^More^Than^you
***Warning: Incest *First cousins*... Youngin Incest***
Sooo.... as a child my family would frequent cousins and stuff. But one day, one grandiose day, me and my cousins are playing doctor... cause *yeah*. (Me M y12, Cousin F y13, Cousin F y12) We end up watching TV afterwards and tadaaaaaaa, someone happened to leave it on the Playboy channel. We saw some things, we got interested and experimented. To be quaint, that day I had my first Rim Job, gave my first 2 Rim Jobs, had a threesome, first time anal... all in one day.
Next story is quite similar but not incest, *I told him all of these*.
I ended up at my friends house, to be brief here are the people at his house that day, Me, Him y12, Sister y11, and his mom. That day I had told *him* about what we say on that channel and he wanted to try it. So basically I gave him a (*My first*) blow job; I was innocent then so yeah *I'm bi now though*. He then ended up giving me one. We told his sister and with that... second threesome, first double penetration, first double penetration... single hole, first female masturbation.
And the last story is this.
The same cousin who was my same age, we kept having some of this fun for a good 2 years and then frequent every now and again even though we have our own relations. On this part we actually tried many things. First being positions, Cowgirl and Doggy. Then, we tried some oral on her (*first*), soon to end we got a bit crazy so we went into her yard did it doggy style on her yard.
*Btw in the main text I didn't say but.... she got disowned too and now we are in a relationship.*
***TL:DR-*** Fucked Cousins, Fucked Friend's Sister With Him, ***YOU MISSED SPICY SHIT***
Robingtheman: 0-0 IDK how to respond to this. Also clarify in a relationship
warhugger: Friends, with a bit of fuck fuck. With.... ***FUCK IT! We swingling and dangling***
Robingtheman: Swingling wtf is that?
warhugger: Swingers, we swing, not on a swing... but we *swing*... but not....
Robingtheman: Oh just like the elf of barrsmore
warhugger: I don't know the witchery of which thy speaks in, contemplate this remarkable sorts of wizardry.
LintGrazOr8: Um, not to be rude, but is English you're first language?
Voyager5555: I'm fairly certain earth isn't his first planet, so no, probably not.
warhugger: It's actually B.187 Zeta sector 32. But no it isn't my first language and well.... Pshhhaaaw
Robingtheman: Dragma un ion mekeh ghatty barispon merioksk.
Translate if you can muahaha
warhugger: Why would you do that to cow bread?
| 13 | -0.076923 | |
1400122768 | 1400134822 | t3_25lgdv | t5_2to41 | 50 | H2O-Water-H2O: TIFU: Taking a drug test
Ok so for college next year I have to take a mandatory drug test. So, I show up at the lab and sign in. The lady was very nice and asked if I'm ready, I said yeah and she asked if I could pee out 60 mL. Not really having a great perception of exactly how much I normally pee. So I push a little to see if I had to go, I did not feel anything so I asked for some water, she gave me some and asked again if I was ready and I still wasn't feeling it. So she asks me to wait in the waiting room while i wait and try to feel the urge to pee. Half an hour goes by and still nothing so I google how to have to pee and read that if I massage my lower abdomen and upper pubic area I should feel the urge to pee. So, I lay down on the floor in the waiting room, because all the chairs had arm rests and started to furiously massage my upper pubic and lower abdomen, after doing that for another ten minutes I realize the lab closes in fifteen, so it was now or never. I tell her I'm ready she hands me the cup and empties my pockets. I go into a room with the cup and it takes me a second to start but eventually I start peeing. I quickly fill it past the 60 mL mark and I'm still going. Soon, the cup is nearing full and I can't stop myself, I continue peeing. I pee until it is over flowing out of the cup and all over my hands, all over the sides of the cup, and all over the floor. I put the cup down and run over to the office and tell the lady that I peed more than I should have and she says it's ok, until she walks into the room to find a cup full if pee and a bunch of pee all over the floor...
TL;DR: I felt myself up then peed everywhere.
fart_detonator: Do you go to clown college? Just kidding. How hard is it to aim your golden stream from the cup to the toilet when it goes over the mark. Was there even a toilet?
H2O-Water-H2O: Not that easy... I wasn't originally over the toilet, so like I was trying to walk over to it but I couldn't move that fast because I had a cup overflowing with of pee in my hands
esearcher: Wait, it didn't occur to you to do this over the toilet?????
boredingalveston: Or to pinch it off?
| 5 | 10 | |
1400125745 | 1400127182 | t3_25lkio | t5_2to41 | 33 | RuCkGuY: TIFU by setting my neighbors riding mower on fire.
My mower took a shit a month ago and my lawn has been getting a bit unruly. Being it is mostly tall weeds and dandelions I figured I would give a whack at it with the weed eater. While whacking away at my yard, my neighbor walks up and asks if I want to borrow his mower. WELL OF COURSE I WOULD!! His mower turns out to be a 15 year old Craftsman rider that needed a piece of battery cable with both ends striped to arc the battery to the starter which would start the mower. A bit tricky at first but after 2 or 3 starts I was jumping that old ass mower like a champ. Well I promised I would fill it with gas before I returned it so that I did, spilling just a few trace amounts of gas. Worried about my redneck starter I figured I would take a bong rip and come back to it before starting and give it time to dry. Well of course, after the bong hit I totally forgot about spilling some gas! I hopped on, grabbed my chunk of wire and arced the starter and WHOOM!!! The mower burst into flames!! Quick thinking I ran inside put a bucket under the sink, grabbed a two liter of soda and ran outside pouring soda all over the engine and seat. I quickly ran back inside and grabbed my now full bucket and hauled ass back to the mower. Fire went out with no visible damage. At first she wouldn't start but after a few minutes of trying it started. I drove that fucker sans flames right back to where it was parked when I borrowed it and didn't say a damn thing!
Crocodilefan: A non typical fu where crisis was averted, nice! Universe must like you.
RuCkGuY: You have no idea how terrifying it is having your neighbors mower visibly in flames in your front yard.
| 3 | 11 | |
1400127307 | 1400175766 | t3_25lmid | t5_2to41 | 27 | [deleted]: TIFU by playing Wile E. Coyote
I fucked up when I was 6 years old, but it's a fuck up that has rung in my memories throughout my entire life.
We had a neighbor who was a farmer and his hens had hatched an abundance of chicks. He had so many, that he didn't know what to do with half of them. So, he started giving them away to the neighbors. He was a good family friend, so he gave me a dozen baby chicks, he said it'd be enough for me to start my own farm. And I liked the idea of that. Everyday for a week, I played with those chicks in my backyard. They imprinted on me, I loved them and they loved me back.
One day, while I was playing with them, I came up with a brilliant idea that I thought would be hilarious and I thought the chicks would enjoy as well. I watched a lot of Looney Tunes back then, my favorite cartoon, and I didn't have a sense of discerning reality from fiction back then, so....
I herded all the chicks together and dropped a big 12"x24" wooden plank I found on top of them. Then, I proceeded to jump up and down on the plank a couple of times. I stopped and lifted the plank off of them and I was expecting them to spring up like accordions and pop back to normal. What I actually found were a bunch of splattered chicks with their organs and bones spewing out of their bodies and a couple of them were still alive and their broken legs were twitching.
I didn't understand what had happened so I fetched my mom and told her something was wrong with the chicks, that they weren't moving or peeping anymore. She was horrified at the sight and kneeled to cry and I started crying too.
Needless to say, I was never allowed to watch Looney Toons or cartoons of that caliber again.
TL;DR- I was a little shit of a kid.
BigDildo: I now have you tagged: "Future serial killer"
RollingTire: I can see him escalating with clogs.
| 3 | 9 | |
1400134223 | 1400177735 | t3_25ltz0 | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by drinking a bunch of alcohol after an alka seltzer and pepto bismol AND Taco Bell earlier in the day + pre existing stomach problems
So guys I'm basically retarded. This was more of an all day fuckup.
I've always had stomach problems, first thought it was Acid Reflex, then Crohn's Disease, then stress pain, still haven't quite figured it out. So there's that.
I went all day without eating today, then when I got home was hungry but had nothing to eat and drank 3 beers on an empty stomach in about 10 minutes to make me forget about hunger. This was around 3:30PM, maybe 4.
Then at 7 I had to go to my therapist, but I was fucking hungry as SHIT so I got Taco Bell. 2 loaded potato grillers, XXL nachos and a Mt. Dew baja blast. I've never eaten so much shitty food in my life before, but I didn't give a fuck. At this point my stomachs starting to hurt. Did I mention I've had some sort of sickness the past few days as well?
I get home after my appointment and am still hurting and I can't shit at all. Oh well, I'll be fine. Then my ribs start really hurting and I manage to squeeze out a turd or two.
Then I'm chilling for a few hours, and around 30 minutes ago at 12:30am I took some pepto bismol and alka seltzer plus because I had just thrown up my healthy days diet. I felt kinda shitty. What would help this feeling shitty? Oh I know, whiskey!
So thanks to my stupid impulsive ass, I drank a few mouthfuls of crown royal (maybe 5 shots) and now I'm laying on my bed in extreme stomach pain slowly killing my dog with death sharts.
My ultimate goal is to not shit my pants, will update if I do.
UPDATE: It's been 4 minutes since I posted this and I just puked again. Feeling a bit better.
djchexxx: Try changing your diet. Start eating at home or home cooked meals. A lot of people have stomach problems due to poor diet. Are you eating enough dietary fiber? Veggies?
My_mau5_died: I actually eat home cooked meals probably 5 to 6 days of the week, definitely enough veggies.
djchexxx: Hmm, have you seen a specialist? I was having hardcore stomach pains, went to the Dr, did a cat scan and they couldn't find anything so they referred me to a specialist. The pain has gone away but I still need to have it checked out
My_mau5_died: I have not! I got an upper GI scope test though.
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1400127066 | 1400195032 | t3_25lm7r | t5_2to41 | 100 | leedels: TIFU by speaking too loudly about fapping, NSFW
A little context to the story. The night before I went to school I was watching collegefessions on youtube. The guy's confession was "Every morning I eat a banana, put the banana peel in the microwave, and masturbate into it."-penn state.
Then the next day I was talking to my friend while walking across our quad. The quad space is kinda small but large enough for a lot of people. Anyways so I was quoting the video to my friend when just as I finished saying I masturbate into it, my teacher walks by me, about a half of arms length away. The look of confusion, horror and disappointment flash across her face is burned into my head. I avoided her for the rest of the week at all cost, I take the long way to class so I don't go by her office.
It is the most awkward experience I have had in a long time.
TL;DR - quoted someone else's disgusting fapping habits I front of a teacher in first person.
few_boxes: Sit in the front row and eat a banana. Success depends on having a creepy smile while making eye contact.
Bonus points if she sees you storing the banana peel for later.
Monso: Extra bonus points if you eat two bananas and hand one peel to your friend.
BlackSnakeMoaning: Or if you bring the same peel back the next day and *then* hand it to your friend.
CavemanSamu: You nasty
| 5 | 20 | |
1400137963 | 1400225304 | t3_25lx8b | t5_2to41 | 9 | 7623yawaworht: TIFU and ruined my life
Throwaway obv, walls of text
Not today, but its fully hitting me now and im seriously fucked and know im a complete idiot and it's totally my fault.
Let me start from the beginning. I come a strict asian family with a strict emphasis on education. Throughout grade school I was pretty smart, in all / most of the smart classes, but I was always lazy as hell, never doing homework, goofing around, etc. I never really got in any serious trouble, but my grades were pretty shit, and I graduated with like a 3.0 GPA from high school. SAT scores were pretty damn good, 2100-2300 range over 2 attempts.
Anyways, applied to 2 universities, U1 and U2. U1 was a bit more prestigious and was the top target. Got rejected from U1, accepted to U2.
My parents (i guess wisely) decided to send me to community college instead. They had expected me to go to U1 and were disappointed, especially as I dicked around senior year and still never managed to get my act completely together.
I fully expected to breeze through summer and fall semester at local comm coll and move try to transfer to U1 and move on by the spring. Didnt happen. Through Fall Yr 1, I had a 3.0 GPA (A, B, B, C, D). Spring Yr 1 was worse, went down to a 2.9. Tried to transfer out, rejected from U1.
Took a summer class, easy A.
Entering Y2: GPA = 3.06
Completely shat the bed the next couple years, got rejected from not only U1, but also U2, where I had been accepted coming out of high school. Low point was a 2.35 GPA coming into this past fall. I never told anyone in my family that my GPA was ever lower than a 3.0.
Start current semester, after more years than I'd care to admit (and I thought I'd be out after 1 semester - Ha) Coming into this semester, I was at a 2.45 GPA with a chance to get it back up to a ~3.1 if I got all As since most of the classes I was taking were retakes.
Everything was going okay the first few months and I seemed to be on track to do pretty well and at least make B's. I was working part time, about 20 hrs / week and taking 18 credits, so I was pretty busy. I had told my entire social circle and extended family that this would be it, and I would transfer out after this semester ended.
Then - spring break a few weeks ago. Had a fun week, came back, but was falling a bit behind. Cue the same fuckin mistake I've made every semester to ruin my life and that I promised I wouldnt do this time: Started falling behind in a few classes. Told myself I'd skip a class I was going good in to catch up on work that I was behind on for the others. Then, started falling behind on those classes and pretty much stopped showing up to 4 of my 6 classes the last few weeks of the semester, always telling myself that I would catch up on everything at once.
Well that worked out the way it did the last few years. I'm looking at failing more than half of my classes and going down to a 2.3 GPA, all time low. I applied to a different state school a few states away that has slightly lower requirements (2.0 on transfers for my chosen field), but I can't see how they'd accept me looking at my actual coursework. All this sunk in this week and completely hit me a few hours ago when I did all the math to see if anything was salvageable. I have 3 final exams left this week, but I'm not gonna bother showing up for them, did the math and even if I got a 100% on all of them (unlikely) I still wouldnt get higher than an E. My parents / family have no idea, they think I'm at a 3.0 and am on the cusp of finally getting my shit together.
I'm in my 20s and have completely fucked up the rest of my life, I really have no idea what I have left to do, I feel like a total fucking moron and I can't stand to think of the embarrassment of facing my entire social circle and extended family and friends that informing them that I'm a complete fucking failure who hasnt gotten a fucking associates degree in the time I was expected to take to get my Bachelor's degree. I don't think I can even face myself and honestly, I feel like it would be much easier if I just fucking died right now.
Reddit, I fucked up, and am fucking depressed and am sitting here on the internet feeling sorry for pathetic self who ruined his goddamn life by being an imbecile.
craznazn247: I was in your exact shoes about a year ago. Graduated last week, and I'm starting Pharmacy school in the fall.
My advice: talk to someone about it. Let bygones be bygones. Talk to your advisor, then your family when the time comes to discuss options. Many universities allow you to retake classes or appeal for academic forgiveness to replace the grades.
Trust me though, your family will need to know at some point. Talk to another family member first who is best at listening, and have them help facilitate that conversation.
Let me know if you need any other advice about this. Trust me though, talking will make this situation much better, and you can always move forward from it.
Grammar_Train: This. 100%.
Your life isn't ruined, OP, but you're letting your fears get the best of you right now. Go see an advisor and let them know what's been going on and how you feel about it. It can make a big difference.
| 3 | 3 | |
1400141752 | 1400311545 | t3_25m075 | t5_2to41 | 37 | obviousthrow-away1: TIFU by watching my friend wipe jizz on his face
So, obv throwaway cos my friend still doesn't know and it might be a tiny bit awkward if he found out...
So the backstory is simple, I am a reasonably normally horny guy (23) and recently have found a couple of sites that seem to suit me right down to a tee - and I'm sure you can all figure out what that will mean.
Now, normally I only jack in bed at night and I always have tissues or something nearby and lets just say reddit *its our little secret*. However it is winter here now and things are cooling down and for the last few nights I have cuddled up on the couch with a blanket to chill after work before bed and well, my laptop is right there, and said certain websites just *happen* to appear and well, one thing leading to another I suddenly find myself in a rather sticky (literally) position with no tissues near by. Rather than bother getting up and spreading things around I just grabbed a towel and cleaned myself off.
Said towel was then used the following two nights for the same reason and just dumped in the corner by the couch waiting for me to get around to doing a load of washing. (I live by myself so I'm not too worried, I know its there, and its a little gross but meh, I'll pick it up later and no one will be any the wiser...)
Or so I thought...
Skip forward to today, I had a mate visiting who was due to arrive just before I got home from work today so I told him to just let himself in and grab a coffee and I would be there shortly. Now, it has been pouring down with rain lately and today was no exception with the heavens opening just as I was getting off the bus. I quick walked it down the hill to my house and opened the door just in time to see my friend (also caught in the same downpour) pick up said happytimes towel and thoroughly dry off his face, hair, hands and then back to his face again... All I could do was stare... For the love of god I dont know why he didnt pick up a clean folded towel from the pile. No, I didnt mention a thing - he was dry, the towel was *casually* moved and straight into the washing machine and coffee was made. Unfortunately for me, I do know how much the towel was used, and well lets just say there is no chance of not coming into contact with....
**TL/DR** Jizzed in a towel for a few days cos lazy, friend used same towel to dry off after rain storm.
iwanttobeamermaid: How did he not smell the dried up jizz after wiping his face with it TWICE?
obviousthrow-away1: You're not the only one wondering that exact same thing! Happened about 2 hours ago...
Domefarmer: HE CAN SMELL YOUR CUM.
rickytikitahvi: I myself cannot...
| 5 | 7.4 | |
1400144527 | 1400155584 | t3_25m24i | t5_2to41 | 2 | gzahm: TIFU: by going 60 in a 15 and doing a 360 over the curb
Cproo12: Well that was fucking stupid.
gzahm: Yup
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1400155969 | 1400173212 | t3_25mb8r | t5_2to41 | 117 | Hbeeman: TIFU by eating a gas station pizza on the way to my stepmom in orlando (it involved crap)
So it starts out that me and my dad are heading to Orlando as usual because my stepmom lives there. It's a long story why they can't live together, mostly financial stuff. So yeah it's a two hour drive from where we are.
So we stop by the gas station before we leave and my dad decides to buy a small godfathers pizza to satisfy road hunger. I'm so dumb because I always forget about my sensitive stomach. I am mildly lactose intolerant as we'll as I get the worst gas pain in my abdomen after anything greasy.
So after eating it, about 20 min after I'm like doubling over in silence, each moment an eternity because of the pain. I'm starting to sweat and my stomach sounding like a whales mating call.
I painfully stutter out "d-dad when will be there?"
"We're not even an hour in yet, you ok?"
I think I can pull through, I'm a strong girl, I can handle this.
I'm silently passing deadly fumes into the car and my dad is choking and laughing.
Suddenly in about to pass another one and I feel burning liquid hit my butthole.
*mission abort mission abort*
I say "dad it turned into crap now, is there a gas station?"
So he pulls over to one and I waddle inside.
This liquid evil is ready to come out so I must be careful in how fast I walk.
I'm finally inside I rip off my pants once I'm in the stall and sit down quickly.
Burning, yellow, chunky, putrid and vile lava. And it's pouring.
I grab onto the edges of the toilet whimpering in pain.
I think the storm has ended so I promptly leave that violated gas station and were on the road once more.
Not even 30 min later it's back with a vengeance.
More pain and suffering ensues.
We finally arrive to her APARTMENT ON THE TOP FLOOR. There's a trillion flights of stairs and there is shit threatening to spill from my asshole with each move I make.
I lift one leg and then the other carefully. It is pure luck I didn't shit myself on those stairs.
I finally make it to her apartment, open the door quickly, run towards her bathroom shoving my bitchy 8 year old stepsister into the wall in the process.
I sit down on the toilet again and the floodgates open once more. I swear I was in there for 20 min.
It was the worst day of my life but I survived and lived to tell my story.
DO NOT EAT GAS STATION PIZZA BEFOR A LONG DRIVE!!
M
Ax_Me_Anything: Are you gonna whoop me?
bigglesworthmook: Please don't make that a thing, it shouldn't be a thing.
Hbeeman: What is it? I'm clueless....
bigglesworthmook: On an ask reddit thread today to do with; "what happened when you thought you were alone but weren't" there is a comment by Theriley106 that has this in it.
I should add it doesn't apply to your situation at all.
Hbeeman: But I still don't get though why he posted it here...
bigglesworthmook: Neither do I, it doesn't apply at all if it does become a running joke. I really hope it doesn't become one.
Hbeeman: Ya me neither although the story is funny it doesn't make a good joke.
| 8 | 14.625 | |
1400159901 | 1400243482 | t3_25mfou | t5_2to41 | 1,905 | [deleted]: TIFU by waxing my ass. NSFW.
So today was lady garden grooming day. I usually just tidy it up but I had the whole day to myself so I thought why not have an intense grooming session? Shave the legs, armpits, pluck errant hairs, wax everything bellow the belt, yada yada.
Anyone who has waxed their undercarriage will know it's a particularly tricky art form and requires a lot of mirrors and bending over at odd angles, especially if you go right underneath. I find it easiest if I sit on the bed with a mirror propped against the wall so I can see what I'm doing.
So I'm waxing the lady garden, quite systematically, and left the ass til last. So I prep the wax strip and carefully place it on the ass area. To grab the bottom of the strip, I find that I need to lie down. As I'm lying down, unbeknownst to me my head is right above the pile of used wax strips that have built up over the course of the session (I am a hairy bugger, ok?). I successfully rip off the strip, and sit up.
I feel a weird tugging sensation on my hair and it turns out I have laid right on an open strip so now my hair is covered in fanny wax. I tried to pull it off carefully but there was still that horrible pink, flowery smelling gunk over a chunk of hair.
I managed to get most of it out with baby oil. I think a few extra shampoos will do the trick... Thank fuck I don't need to be anywhere tonight.
tl;dr Laid on a used pubey wax strip. At least I have a smooth ass now.
EDIT: If you're looking for pictures of vagina you can head on over to /r/gonewild haha
I_NEED_FRIENDS: Wow, I now appreciate how dedicated females are when it comes to waxing. thank you OP.
NoDiggityNoDoubt: Which is why so few actually do wax.
[deleted]: Yeah it definitely is more of a hassle. I generally prefer it to shaving because you have to do it less often! :)
juice_box_hero: I want to try waxing my lady bits but I'm scared of the pain and I also have really sensitive skin so I get the bumps when I wax other areas. I have done some laser hair removal in one area and it hurts WICKED bad but works really well. It's just too expensive and painful to do all over.
How painful would you say it is to wax your snatch and ass? Is it true the ass part hurts the least?
Would it end up looking like raw chicken?!
Any tips? I'm really scared but also hairy and would like to have an awesome, hair-free summer snatch.
TL:DR hairy scaredy cat
[deleted]: Yes the ass is the least painful (I've just finished uni and I've spent my first free day talking about ass hair! haha) and if you get the hang of it and you can get hair off all in one go then that minimises the plucked, red chicken look. Also the more often you wax, your hair starts to grow in a lot sparser so waxing gets easier as time goes on. First time I waxed I was counting down from 10 to pull off a strip and then chickening out and starting the countdown again and again! You definitely get used to it. I don't even flinch now, really.
juice_box_hero: Oh Jesus fuck. I don't think I dare to.
Maybe if I take enough Vicodin before I get it done...there's no way I could do it to myself.
I hate being hairy and also sensitive. It's awful.
If I look like a plucked chicken, how long does it stay that way?
[deleted]: It will vary from person to person but for me any irritation or redness goes away within 24 hours
juice_box_hero: The redness from other waxing (lip, brows) usually goes away within a day so hopefully it won't ruin my snatch if I do it
[deleted]: > it won't ruin my snatch
Hahaha this thread is so much fun. You're right, I don't think it will be too bad. I've only ever had a really horrible rash once in all my years of waxing so I think that's pretty good going to be honest.
SammyConnor: As someone undergoing male-to-female transition... This fucking thread. I didn't need more anxiety in my life! xD
merthsoft: Just laser it all! Or don't worry about it :)
SammyConnor: Haha, I'd like to but I hear it's super painful!
merthsoft: Meh, less painful than a tattoo.
SammyConnor: Haha, I'm scared of getting those too. x3
I *need* to have it done to some extent anyway, so I guess I'll decide when I get there. :p
unAdvice: I've transitioned, so I know a little bit about where you are. I'll epilate my legs until the cows come home, but I *still* cringe at the idea of waxing down there myself - maybe I'll get it professionally done one day when I get the nerve.
SammyConnor: Yeah, I kinda wanna get hit over the head with a mallet and then just get everything lasered while I'm out cold.
My pain threshold is abysmally low. I can't even enjoy a back massage because the slightest pressure hurts. (Aches for hours)-
It's bloody annoying.
unAdvice: There is at least one electro place in the world that will put you under and work on you for a whole day - but I can't begin to imagine what that must feel like afterwards!
However, my biggest tip for dealing with long periods of pain like you get with laser or electro is to take the strongest painkiller you have access to, then find a way to distract yourself. For me it's been audiobooks - but find whatever works for you. The important thing is that it gives you something to really concentrate on rather than focus on the pain.
SammyConnor: Thanks for the tip. It sounds like it might be a good idea if I find it to be really painful and have no other options.
The only real way is to wait and see!
| 19 | 100.263158 | |
1400160855 | 1400207835 | t3_25mgwk | t5_2to41 | 44 | rapescenario: TIFU by going to see the late night screening of Godzilla, high, and ending with me locking my keys in my car...while it was idoling.
Shit.
A few hours ago I was at a friends. Got Burgerfuel for dinner and had a nice big session to wash it down.
Brainstorm after releasing Godzilla is out whiling processing jalapeno burger. Think fuck yes, lets do it. First day out, late night, low key cinema.
DONE.
See the movie, ripped, and its awesome. If you haven't seen it, its fantastic. Leave the movies, drop off someone.
Done.
Drive the the next stop, need my laptop from the house for work tomorrow. Late by now though, dine and dash so
leave the car idling and park on steep as fuck driveway. Jump out of the car, get laptop and try my car door.
Locked bitch.
Fuck.
Brain hits autopilot and starts to weigh up all the variables. Best solution; call the AA. Call AA, dude couldn't give
a fuck. Super casual, and by now 12am, low paid call center guy. After 5 minutes I am at the point where he tells
me they will be 30~ minutes.
Fuck.
iiidddooollliiinnngggfffuuuccckkkmmmeee.
I just filled my car that day, and it is a 3.6L V6. It's no V8, but it ain't no fucking 1L Focus.
Brain is still in auto pilot at this point and immediately reverts to the contingency plan.
Call my dad, who is well asleep at 12:15am.
The short of the long, he is on his way with the keys. ETA = 15~ minutes.
Brain continues to process the new information. Dad is going to beat the AA by 15~ minutes (maybe more). Call the AA and let them know that i don't need the callout, the gentleman on the other ends receives the message loud and clear. We're good. Time to bide.
1 minute later.
Random tow truck pulls over to the side of the road.
Man jumps out. Asks me how long it's been idling.
I guesstimate 10~ minutes.
He starts to go to work.
I'm pretty fucking confused yet astonished to really do or say anything because things are very much going in my favor. I ask the guy and he tells me he's from AA.
I say nothing.
He pumps a little airbag wedged in my door, uses a wire and winds down a window.
Fucking rejoice. I just bought this car a month ago for $13k. It's the nicest car I've ever had, and I take care of my shit.
*Profusely* thank this angel of the night in his orange tow truck.
Smartbrain kicks in again and I remember I should call dad. 4 missed calls.
Some time ago...
*ffffuuuccckkkk* *nearing 12:45am.* Call dad, no answer. Call again, no answer. Jesus. Phone tag. I fucking hate phone tag.
My phone lights up, answer, he is still at home just about to leave... He would have been slower than the AA.
It's pretty melodramatic really, but it was just one of those situations where you felt the universe was just fucking with you.
tetrahydrocanada: Well that was hard to follow.
thevdude: I'm still not sure what happened.
OP was attacked by godzilla?
tetrahydrocanada: My takeaway
TL:DR
Shit, burger, godzilla high, locked keys in car, called Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and they let him in.
Viral_Krieger: Ohhhh. I was thinking it was like triple-A, but with 1/3 less quality.
| 5 | 8.8 | |
1400158754 | 1400163206 | t3_25meac | t5_2to41 | 31 | re-201: TIFU by accidentally overdosing on a medication
Today was amazing until around five hours ago. Let's ease into the fuck up by beginning with the positive news. Everything happened over a span of around 20 hours. Please forgive grammatical errors (it's unforgivable because I write professionally) - I am REALLY tired and dopey. Prepare for whatever I decide to share about my day.
I have been struggling as a full time student trying to cover expenses as a severely underpaid freelance writer for the past three years. I have been trying to find a different job for a while, but it wasn't working out. Way too many of you can probably relate.
The project manager of the marketing team I help recently told me the content I submit has been making their clients very happy. "Our team is currently in the process of moving in a new direction. What else do you do to earn money?" He seemed pleased after I mentioned my experience with random paid photography gigs and graphic design work. He ended the conversation by saying "let's have a chat after I talk to a few people."
A few weeks went by and I assumed nothing would come from it, until I received a pleasant call on Tuesday. "We would love to have you on our team, are you interested?" (**MOTHERFUCK you bet YEAH!**) spoken: "Certainly, that sounds great". "What would you like for compensation as a full time employee?" Said I needed to think about it and will contact him the next day.
*What am I worth?*
Called him on Wednesday, mentioned my preferred rate, and was told "that is very reasonable." My request was quite high. I will sign the employment agreement on Monday, beginning the leap forward in my pursuit of personal growth and an enjoyable career.
**What goes up must go down, right?**
I spent the rest of the day helping my father fix some irritating issues with his computer. Got really mentally exhausted and was running on autopilot. This is the first stage of the fuckup.
10pm is my usual time to take a nightly dose of Lamictal.
Decided it was a good idea to finish the computer issue quickly so I could retreat to my room and recharge. Being on autopilot, I took my nightly dose and forgot about it. It is 11:30 by the time we finish the issue and I quickly take what I thought was my normal, single nightly dose. Nope.
Within a half hour I started to feel unusually tired, kind of dizzy. Five minutes later, my face breaks out with terrible rashes (the doctor I see sternly told me to visit the ER if this happened). Off we go!
Got submitted and quickly had blood drawn after my blood pressure, oxygen, and other various functions were checked. The blood pressure monitor was automated to check how i was doing and it squeezed at the exact moment the phlebotomist punctured my vein. Blood squirts out viciously for a few moments, and then he finishes his job. Had to laugh about it when my livid father and I were left alone in the room.
The needle was left in my arm while the blood pressure monitor continued its routine, directly on the needle. I didn't ask for it to be adjusted because I felt too embarrassed and ashamed of myself to bother the kind PA. Filling out paperwork is interesting when you have to write with your unfamiliar hand while a cold needle is being shoved deeper into your arm every five minutes. Just got a little closer to becoming ambidextrous.
Found out I was safe to go home within three hours.
My fuckup may have left me with a huge debt, but I learned I am healthy in every way after thorough testing. Got a job on Wednesday too.
Sorry I didn't shit myself this time, Reddit. That does happen to me on occasion though.
Be careful with your meds!
pamplemus: oh geez. i'm assuming it wasn't stevens-johnson syndrome after all?
re-201: Fortunately, it was not. Going to talk to the doctor about what happened next week to see if he's alright with me easing off of it.
| 3 | 10.333333 | |
1400160723 | 1400294460 | t3_25mgpo | t5_2to41 | 4 | amgirlfan: TIFU by leaving my jizz-cloth for my girlfriend to find, but she's not the one who did (NSFW)
THCInjection: Seriously? A TIFU post that is made solely to reference another TIFU post, is kind of pointless isn't it?
amgirlfan: What's your point?
THCInjection: You're an idiot. That's my point. I took the time to respond, because I thought you should know.
amgirlfan: Thank you Captain Obvious.
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1400166784 | 1400188245 | t3_25mplx | t5_2to41 | 14 | beantheduck: TIFU by going to bathroom at school.
This happened yesterday. I'm in class talking to my friend about cabin in the woods when I feel a piss coming on. I asked my teacher and went on my merry way to the bathroom. Completely unsuspecting I opened the door to the bathroom. Big mistake. There a few feet from me standing in his hairy, naked glory was one of the special needs kids with pants around his ankles and the eye of the beast pointing directly at me. He looked up at me, smiled, and shouted something at me, but I couldn't hear or think. Eventually I shook myself nodded and ran my ass out of the bathroom. I never did take that piss. At least I didn't kick him in the face.
TL;DR: Hairy, special needs dick. Please send eye bleach.
OyeSantino: "At least I didn't kick him in the face"
Ruff_Dog: I remember that story! Lol. OP: Nice reference.
| 3 | 4.666667 |
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