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Prarabdha
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Rick_and_Morty_Transcript

Dataset card Data Studio Files
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Plumber Rick: 
*laughs joyfully* I sure didn't, sir! *a blueshirt Rick carrying a Rick baby comes next to Plumber Rick*
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Father Rick:
Mr. Morty, Mr. Morty! *gives his baby Rick to him* I cloned myself so you can kiss me as a baby!
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Candidate Morty: 
This is just like a Morty baby!
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Candidate Morty:
 Hey! *they shake hands* Did you end up getting a new job?
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Campaign Manager Morty:
 Yeah, I did. Assassinating you!
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Candidate Morty:
 I'm okay... I'm okay... I'm... *falls unconscious* Ohh...
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Builder Hat Morty:
You look like you could use a good time! One dance for 10, two for 25!
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Cop Rick:
No thank you, and bad math. *see Bearded Morty enjoying Jeans Shorts Morty dancing*
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Bearded Morty
: Ha-ha, yeah! This is a good time!
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Cop Rick:
What is the place?
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Cop Morty:
"The Creepy Morty". What is it your kind's always saying? "Don't think about it." Come on. There's someone important I want you to meet.
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Big Morty
Ah, Bubblah! How'd it go with the Mortytown Locos?
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Cop Morty:
They had a little accident. They won't be causing any trouble anymore.
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Big Morty:
Those were bad Mortys. Very bad Mortys. *snaps his finger, Morty Bouncer 2 gives an envelope to Cop Morty*
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Cop Morty:
Big Morty likes to contribute to keeping the peace in Mortytown. *takes out a wad of dollar bills* Think of him as a drug lord, and us his cops on his payroll. *throws bills to Cop Rick*
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Cop Rick:
Morty...
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Morty Bouncers/Cop Morty:
*all said at once* Which Morty?
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Cop Rick:
M-m-my partner. Morty, you're right. Mortytown is bad, but that doesn't mean that
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Big Morty:
Hey, what's goin' on here, Morty?
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Morty Bouncers
: *both said at once* Which Morty?
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Big Morty:
The cop, morons.
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Cop Morty:
*nervously* Don't worry about Rick, Big Morty. He's new. He doesn't understand how it
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Big Morty:
That's what you said about your
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Cop Morty:
Wh-why would you say something like that, Big Morty? You're fucking things up for both of us here!
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Big Morty:
Wrong.
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Cop Rick:
Big Morty, you're under arrest. *both Morty Bouncers take out their laser pistols*
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Cop Morty:
S-smartest man in the universe.
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Cowboy Morty:
*drops his cowboy pistols* They're just props! Th-they're just props!
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Cop Morty:
Not so big now, are ya?
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Big Morty:
I never was! It was figurative! *Cop Rick aims at Cop Morty*
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Cop Rick:
That's enough!
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Cop Morty:
If we don't kill him, he'll talk!
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Cop Rick:
If you do,
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Cowboy Morty:
One thing's for sure: y-y'all don't have to worry about Cowboy Morty talkin'! This little cowpoke's gonna mosey up on outta here! *walks away, Cop Rick turns to Cop Morty*
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Cop Rick:
You told me to put my faith in the right Morty. I got faith in you, partner. Do the right thing. *Cop Morty pauses for a beat, starts crying tears down his face*
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Cop Morty:
Oh, Grandpa Rick! I don't wanna be on the Citadel anymore! I want to be a regular kid! I want to go to school and throw balls around and masturbate!
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Cop Rick 2:
The hell happened in there?
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Cop Rick:
Same old story. Ricks killing Mortys.
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Negotiator Rick:
Okay, man, okay! We got your portal gun.
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Negotiator Rick:
The hell's he doing? *Rick J-22 first removes the pink tube connecting behind the headgear and throws the headgear off of Simple Rick; he wakes up immediately*
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Simple Rick:
Wh-where am I?
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Rick J-22:
A bad place, but you're going to a better one soon.
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SWAT Team Rick 1:
*bangs other side of window* Hey! Hey! *Rick J-22 fires a portal next to Simple Rick*
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Negotiator Rick:
No, no, no, no--!! *Rick J-22 pushes Simple Rick into the portal and is instantly blended with a geyser of blood* Goddammit!!
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Rick J-22:
A portal to the
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Negotiator Rick:
Then you should know you just killed your only leverage!
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Rick J-22:
Then come and get me, motherfuckers!!
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Purple Suit Rick:
Stop! *he wears a purple suit with green under shirt and green tie, purple top hat, and carries a gold cane* I'm
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SWAT Team Rick 2:
He's a terrorist!
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Rick D. Sanchez III:
What Rick isn't? *walks into the chamber to greet Rick J-22* The Citadel was founded by Ricks for Ricks to be free. *taps Rick J-22's head with his cane* What's your name, young man?
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Rick J-22:
Rick. And I'm--
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Rick D. Sanchez III:
Same age as me, I know. How long have worked here?
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Rick J-22:
Fifteen years.
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Rick D. Sanchez III:
What the hell have we become? *turns to the SWAT Team Ricks* Whatever time you were going to make him serve, he served it. It ends now! *walks up to Rick J-22* Come with me, friend.
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Rick J-22:
Where are we going?
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Rick D. Sanchez III:
To your new life, which starts with walking the fuck out of here.
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Rick Worker:
Yo, J-22! Give 'em hell!
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Narrator:
There's a Rick who held a factory hostage after murdering his boss and several co-workers. The factory made cookies, flavored him with lies.
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Narrator:
He made us all take a look at what we were doing, and at the bargain he got a taste of real freedom.
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Narrator:
We captured that taste, and we keep giving it to him so he can give it right back to you, in every bite of new Simple Rick Freedom Wafer Selects. *shows wafer displayed on screen* Come home to the unique flavor of shattering the grand illusion. Come home to Simple Rick.
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Fat Morty:
It
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Slick:
After you. *the four Mortys walk through the gate. Slick drops his pipe along the way*
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Fat Morty:
There it is... the Wishing Portal. They say for your wish to come true, y-you have to give up something really important. *takes a food machine out of his bag* For me, that's my panini maker. I wish for a million sandwiches! *drops his panini maker down the portal. He turns back to Lizard Morty* And yes, I see the irony.
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Lizard Morty:
I guess I wish I had something cooler than this dumbass surfer necklace. *throws necklace into portal; Glasses takes out a candy bar*
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Glasses Morty:
I wish incest porn h-had a more mainstream appeal, f-for a friend of mine. *Slick takes a step forward, feeling withdrawn*
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Slick:
None of those things are gonna happen, y'know. Morty wishes never come true. Not on the Citadel.
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Lizard Morty:
Then why did you bring us here?
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Slick:
Because I wish that would change. I wish anything about this life would change.
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Glasses Morty:
Well, I hope you're putting something pretty goddamn important in there.
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Slick:
Me, too. But I doubt it. *throws himself into the portal; Glasses and Lizard scream in shock*
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Glasses Morty:
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Lizard Morty:
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Glasses Morty:
Maybe... Maybe he went somewhere nice.
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Rick PA Announcer:
*via speaker* "
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Campaign Manager Morty:
*gets himself up* He gotta be stopped... *wipes bloodstain off his face* He-he cou-couldn't be allowed to win.
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Bodyguard Rick 1:
Then you should've *burp* worked on your aim, bro.
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Campaign Manager Morty:
He's alive?! No, no, no! You gotta listen to me! *shows his campaign badge* I-I worked for him! I was his campaign manager! That Morty is not what he seems.
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Bodyguard Rick 2:
Yeah, well, no Morty seems like a president.
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Campaign Manager Morty:
He...
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Bodyguard Rick 2:
Yeah. *the airlock door closes; Campaign Manager Morty immediately brings out the documents and cries out to the Bodyguard Ricks but to no avail*
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Bodyguard Rick 1:
It was a blowout. *pushes button on airlock panel and Campaign Manager Morty is instantly sucked out into space along with the dossier and its contents*
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Bodyguard Rick 2:
We hardly call it a blowout, it was almost close enough to trigger a recount.
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Bodyguard Rick 1:
Jesus, what are you, joke security now, too?
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Cop Rick:
Why am I still here? I already confessed to everything.
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Officer Rick 1:
Your case has been reviewed. *presses button, unlocks Cop Rick's handcuffs* You're free to go.
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Cop Rick:
But... I violated at least a dozen departmental codes!
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Officer Rick 1:
New department. New codes. *leaves room*
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Officer Rick 2:
New Citadel. *leaves with Officer Rick 1*
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Glasses Morty:
Did we miss graduation? Where are the new Ricks?
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Teacher Rick:
No graduation. No new Ricks. The school's curriculum is changing.
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Glasses Morty:
To what?
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Teacher Rick:
I don't know, and I don't have to know. I've been fired. *takes out a flask, unscrews top and walks off* Good luck, turds.
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Lizard Morty:
Holy crap... Slick's wish came true. *sees Glasses and Fat Morty smiling*
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Rick D. Sanchez III:
Sorry I'm late, Mr. President. Had a little crisis at work.
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Steve Jobs Rick:
Worth it! *eats Simple Rick wafer cookie; see President Morty having a haircut with Barber Rick*
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President Morty:
It's no problem. *to Barber Rick* Uh, a little more off the top. *continues* You were saying,
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Garment District Rick:
We were saying, *air-quotes* "President Morty," that we don't care who sits in that seat. A Rick, a Morty, a goddam
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President Morty:
Does he really speak for everyone here?
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Other Ricks:
Yeah, yeah. *President Morty turns back again holding up the mirror*
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President Morty:
Well, I think it's important to be clear. Raise your hand if he speaks for you.