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2021-03-09T12:13:31 | UPDATE: WIBTA if I got help from a charity, despite our joint income being very high? | AITA | Original [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/i5gk2y/wibta_if_i_got_help_from_a_charity_despite_our/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)by u/brokewife
WIBTA if I got help from a charity, despite our joint income being very high?
My husband (38M) and I (24F) have a combined income of $60,000 per year, or thereabouts. He is the big earner at $50k and I scrape by on a much lower income part-time job. He has always been very 'protective' of his earnings, as he has worked very hard for the job he has.
Since moving in together we agreed to mostly keep our own expenses separate. If I buy things for the household, like shopping or cleaning, bills etc - we split them in half. If I go to the store I give him the receipt and he adds up how much of the items are shared and transfers me half. Anything we get for ourselves is paid for out of our own accounts, any personal expenses etc.
He does, however, pay a much higher proportion of the rent. This has worked fine for us. I do the majority of the housework to make up for not contributing as much and because I have more free time around my job.
The issue we have right now is that I m pregnant. Because of our agreement, I am expected to pay for anything medical, any bits I need for the duration of the pregnancy, or anything I will need post-birth for myself, out of my own money. He will pay for half of anything directly relating to the baby, but everything else is my responsibility.
I am in a position now where I simply can't cover everything, and any conversation I have tried to had has ended up with the same outcome - I knew what the agreement was before we started trying. I genuinely thought that I would be able to cover a lot more, or that some of the things are more to do with the baby than me so he would help, but he has very clear definitions of what is for me and what is for the baby. Thanks to insurance a lot of medical bills are covered, but having to buy a whole new bigger wardrobe, and things I didn't originally think of that I need or will need - breast pads, maternity pads for after the birth, etc, are adding up.
There is a charity nearby which would help to supply some of these things, but I feel absolutely awful turning to them when I know it would make such a small dent in my husband's wage and he would be perfectly capable of covering it if he was inclined to. I just feel a bit desperate, but I am completely torn up as to the ethics of it.
So, WIBTA for asking for some help from this charity?
Edit - Please don’t message me telling me to get an abortion.
————————————-
More [info ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/i5gk2y/wibta_if_i_got_help_from_a_charity_despite_our/g0qdvtj/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)from OP in the comments
I’ve come back to 800+ comments so I haven’t been able to get through them all. But I’ve seen some questions so I’ll try and answer them here. We met 7ish years ago, he used to come into where I worked at the time. I did at that point have a full time job, but it was minimum wage. We started dating maybe a year after that, and soon after he got a job offer at the place we live now. The options I had were breaking up or moving with him and obviously I chose the second. I had assumed I could pick up waitressing etc there with relative ease.
We moved to a much more rural area, where the cost of living is much lower, but the population is small and there’s not many jobs going. There’s a joke here that you only get a job when someone who’s working dies. The only place I could find was part time in a store, and I was lucky to get that. I have been trying to find more, including online, but I don’t have a lot of education or experience and it’s been hard. I promise I do keep looking!
Saying that, I’m much better off here than I ever was back home. I had literally nothing, my wage barely covered what I needed to get by, and I would probably be out of work right now if I was there.
I get that it’s a weird arrangement, but it’s worked for us for this long. I have a fairly comfortable life, and I’ve been able to get by with things being so much cheaper here. I’ve always had to make money stretch so I’m used to it being worse. I don’t have too many things that I need to splash out on, our bills are quite low for the most part, and I don’t pay for things like the TV because I decided I didn’t need to watch it so he happily covers that himself. He has said that when the baby comes and I can’t work, he’s going to cover all the living expenses until I can go back, and with me only working part time and friendly with some of the women in the town, we should have childcare covered for a while.
I have always been happy with the arrangement because of the above, but I will try and have a conversation about how things are different now with a baby on the way and maybe we can work something out so I don’t have to use charity. I totally understand why I wbta for using them, and a lot of the posters have confirmed what I was worrying about.
In regards to the other stuff, financial abuse etc, I thank you for your concern and for the links which I am reading through. I guess because I’m in a better place in so many ways I didn’t really question the things we had in place but I will try and be more assertive as to how the relationship goes In terms of our money and hopefully work something out.
—————————————————
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/lzy1hj/update_wibta_if_i_got_help_from_a_charity_despite/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
(Update) WIBTA if I got help from a charity despite our joint income being very high?
Original post here: /r/AmItheAsshole/comments/i5gk2y/wibta_if_i_got_help_from_a_charity_despite_our/
I am sorry it has taken so long for an update, but I wanted to thank all the people who commented and sent links to helpful places.
The short story is that I left. It has been very hard. I am a single mother and I have completely cut off from my ex husband. He does not pay any money to me or for my baby.
I did what people here recommended and I spoke to the people at the charity, and some of the women around the town. They were all horrified by it and I think it was their reaction that made me properly realise I was not in a good position. They helped me. They helped me leave, and find a shelter and a job. I am able to stay until I have enough to rent a place of my own. One woman and her husband paid my medical bills and I am so eternally grateful to them. I will never be able to repay them. I made them my child’s godparents.
To answer some questions left over from my last post - I did not initially want to have a baby, but my ex husband convinced me that it would be for the best. When I wrote the post I was too far gone to change my mind and I have no regrets now. My child is the light of my life. I do not have any family left. My parents died when I was young and my grandparents on my mom’s side raised me until they passed away when I was in my late teens. I had nobody to turn to or to help me until I reached out to the people in the town.
I don’t want to say any more because I don’t want my ex to ever see this and find me.
Thank you to you all again. | internetrabbithole | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/m1560b/update_wibta_if_i_got_help_from_a_charity_despite/ | m1560b | 7,365 | 521 | [
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2021-03-10T19:32:03 | "My girlfriend [24F] and my brother [26M] got into a fistfight over a political argument and now my family is demanding I break up with her" | Relationship_Advice | *repost, original [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/hxldfl/my_24m_girlfriend_24f_and_my_brother_26m_got_into/) by u/ThrowRA-2032318753*
 
I introduced my girlfriend to my parents, siblings and extended family on a family get together a few days ago. This was the first time I had seen them since the start of the pandemic and it started out really well with everyone getting along and having fun. That would change as more alcohol was consumed.
My girlfriend and brother got into a heated political argument that suddenly escalated to violence resulting in substantial injuries for both of them. Accounts of who throw the first punch differ and I frankly don't care as they both actively contributed to the fight and antagonized each other. The fight was eventually broken up when my girlfriend had the clear advantage. My mom screamed at my girlfriend to leave so we left.
I love both my girlfriend and my brother and I don't blame either one of them for the fight more then I blame the other. My girlfriend also doesn't seem to hold any grudges and is embarrassed by her behavior during the incident. My brother and parents on the other hand place 100% of the blame on my girlfriend and demand that I break up with her or they will cut all ties with me. I will not do that but I want to maintain my relationship with my family and somehow get them to accept my girlfriend and that she should not bear all blame for this incident.
My brother is also demanding that my girlfriend pay for his alleged medical expenses and is threatening to report her to the police if she refuse. My experience of growing up in this town makes me think sexism in the local police department makes it unlikely that anything would come of that report as they would almost certainly refuse to consider the possibility that a woman can assault a man. I have offered to pay off my brother but my girlfriend refuses to let me do that and says that she will pay him if he can prove that the medical expenses are real. My girlfriend still has clearly visible injuries but did not visit the hospital. I suggested that she go to get her injuries documented but she doesn't want to do that.
I just wish everyone could forget about this and move forward but writing this makes me think my family is acing unreasonably and perhaps I should just cut contact with them as they are threatening to do with me. Perhaps growing up with these people makes me blind to how ridiculous their behavior is? I don't know what I should do.
 
[**UPDATE**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/i0vxsh/update_my_24m_girlfriend_24f_and_my_brother_26m/)
Thank you for all the advice and apologies for the vagueness of my original post. I showed it to my girlfriend and she agreed that it was vague and thought I left out important details. I will let her provide those details at the end.
You convinced me that it may actually matter who throw the first punch. Before making the original post, I had heard two mutually exclusive versions of events. One told by my girlfriend and one told by my parents and my brother. It's honestly very hard for me to believe that any of them would lie about something like this.
I have since reached out to everyone else who may have seen how it started and received two relevant replies. One from my aunt who confirmed my parents' and brother's version and one from my youngest sister (18f) who described a scenario similar to what my girlfriend had told me. Everyone who sided with my brother has obviously had the opportunity to talk with him and each other and intentionally or unintentionally influence each other's story. It's very unlikely that my girlfriend and sister has done that as they don't know each other and my sister would have no reason to lie for my girlfriend. I don't think there is a reasonable explanation for them telling the same story other then that it's the truth. I'm therefore almost certain that my brother hit my girlfriend first.
My parents have recanted the threat to cut ties with me for not braking up with my girlfriend but they are still saying that she is not welcome back to their home and "will never be part of our family". I'm honestly done with them at this point. She has done everything and more including being willing to pay for his medical expenses and my brother refuse to even hear her apology much less make his own or take any responsibility at all. At this point, I'm 100% behind my girlfriend just as my parents are 100% behind my brother.
Many people commenting on the original post asked if my brother is racist or assumed that he is after I revealed what the argument was about. I'm honestly not sure how to answer that. My brother sometimes repeats racist talking points from TV and social media especially against Hispanic people but last year he was strongly against the deportation of a neighboring family who had immigrated from Mexico. He even (probably facetiously) suggested that their deportation was a conspiracy to undermine Trump's immigration policy by deporting "good people instead of violent criminals". I have never heard my brother use a racial slur or seen him treat anyone differently because of their race. I guess the answer depends on how you define racism.
TL;DR: My brother probably throw the first punch and my family won't cut ties with me completely but I'm mostly done with them.
My girlfriend's comment:
> This is what I think happened based on what I remember, assume, and was told afterwards. It's probably not entirely correct.
>
> We where all sitting around a big outdoor table. I was sitting between my boyfriend and his brother. We talked about non-political things like places we had been or wanted to travel to but then someone mentioned the protests and my boyfriend's brother immediately responded by calling the protesters terrorists. I asked what made them terrorists and if the cops where also terrorists by that definition. I don't remember how he responded but the argument continued from there. We where drinking progressively more alcohol as we continued to argue, almost like if we were in an unspoken drinking contest. At some point we both stood up and continued to argue loudly while getting in each other’s face.
>
> My boyfriend tried to separate us by pulling us away from each other and by attempting to stand between us but we ignored him and continued. My boyfriend really doesn't like conflict or people screaming and he was probably very frustrated at that time so he left and went into the house. We where both angry and I definitely wanted to punch him but I still had enough self control to restrain myself. I fully believe in freedom of speech and I know that violence is never an acceptable response to someone expressing an opinion. Then he punched me with a closed fist in the face. I don't remember feeling afraid or like I was defending myself when I hit back. What I felt was a strange mix of hatred and excitement. We traded a few punches and then one of mine caused him to fall to the ground. I imminently kicked him in the chest and was then pulled away from him by his dad.
>
> That kick is what I regret the most. It was excessive, dangerous, and completely unnecessary. I kicked someone laying defenselessly on the ground and I didn't feel anything for him until several hours later. I'm terrified of the person I was then but that person is still me. I did that but I can't understand why. I was not afraid and I remember doing it deliberately. I keep thinking about what would have happened if no one was around to stop me after that kick. Would I have kicked him again? How many times? I can't answer those questions and that's the most terrifying thing.
>
> My boyfriend wrote that we both had substantial injuries. I don't think that's true. I had a black eye and some bruises. My boyfriend's brother had a broken rib and a concussion. My injuries were not substantial compared to his which is why I don't think it's unfair for me to pay for his medical bills. I would have done that even without the threat of reporting me to the police.
>
> Some comments on the post indicated that my boyfriend's brother should either be more to blame or should feel ashamed of losing because of his gender. I disagree. Gender should not have anything to do with this. It's possible that he feels differently and is ashamed of losing to a woman but I don't think he should feel that way even within that value system as it was essentially random. He could just as well have knocked me to the ground with his first punch. I don't think strength or skills played any significant role. | bestupdator | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/m268pw/my_girlfriend_24f_and_my_brother_26m_got_into_a/ | m268pw | 8,709 | 322 | [
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2021-03-11T02:10:09 | UPDATE: AITA for not financially helping family and friends - despite being able to? | AITA | [deleted] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/m2fed9/update_aita_for_not_financially_helping_family/ | m2fed9 | 9 | 1 | [
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2021-03-11T03:53:02 | Some real "give a mouse a cookie" shit: OP graciously allows her sister and brother-in-law to crash with her for free while their house is being renovated--and then they try to kick OP out of her own home. | AITA | *This is a repost. [The original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/kiezhv/aita_for_asking_my_sister_to_leave_after_she/) is by /u/jesschristina.*
My (26F) sister, who I’ll call Emily moved in with her husband (29M), who I’ll call Roger two years back. Emily and I were never very close, but we were family nonetheless.
Recently, they decided to get their house renovated and because it’s been quite disastrous at their place, they asked if they could move in with me last week, I was a little shocked because we haven’t spoken in a while but I said it would be fine with me.
Emily wanted to have a talk-
She asked if her and Roger could have the place to themselves on Christmas Day and Christmas Eve. I asked where she thinks I can go, her response? “I don’t know, get a motel.” She continued to tell me how I can afford a couple days in a motel and it won’t kill me.
She told me it’s nothing against me, it’s just that they have their own traditions and like to spend the holiday together. They chose to get their house renovated during this time, KNOWING it would interfere with their Christmas traditions.
So, I asked them to leave. I can’t put my life on hold and move out because they want to spend the holiday with each other.
They won’t be homeless, my parents took them in but they called me absolutely infuriated because I refused to let them stay, and wouldn’t let them enjoy the holiday after all the trouble they went through with the renovations.
AITA?
EDIT: thank you for the awards and support! I keep seeing the “how could you be an asshole” comment, I understand it, but my entire family did turn against me, that sort of thing messes with your head. Thank you nonetheless for all of your help.
---
[**UPDATE**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/m29at1/update_aita_for_asking_my_sister_to_leave_after/)
It has been a few months since my last post and a lot has changed.
After Christmas, my sister called me to apologize for what she had said, she told me she had been dealing with a lot of issues at that time and she didn’t mean what she said. I felt sorry for her, I really did, so I told her all was okay and that she and Roger are forgiven.
Fast forward a month and Emily and Roger are getting separated, I don’t know their business but I know that financial problems were a big part of it. She had asked to stay with me again and I, feeling sorry for her, said okay.
The first day she came to stay with me was great. We got along well, ordered takeout and watched a movie together, something we haven’t done since we were very young.
Keep in mind that my house has three bedrooms, one belongs to me, one is a guest bedroom and one is just a pretty much empty room. I decided to furnish the smaller guest room instead of the bigger one as I keep my violin and other instruments in there.
She was staying in my guest bedroom, a very small space with just a bed and a nightstand, this was a downgrade from her living space, but she didn’t seem to mind.
About two nights after she came, she asked if there’s anyway that she can switch the rooms. Keep in mind that I had no idea how long she was planning on staying, so I didn’t think it was a big deal. The room has a comfortable bed and a nightstand with some drawers, it’s not permanent, so I told her no. This was when the bigger problems started.
She began to leave her dirty clothes and dishes all over the floor. She’d stained a quilt that a close friend of mine had made for me with food. I asked her to please keep my rooms tidy and she started to breakdown crying. She told me she was feeling very down and that she is sorry. I understand this sort of thing, but I still asked her to keep tidy as she was living here for free.
She kept doing it, however, and I asked her to leave again to stay with my parents... dick move? Maybe, but the room was dirty and smelled disgusting. A few of my friends say I’m too harsh with her, but I had really tried to get along with her, but we just don’t work. She didn’t give my parents her sob story this time, though, and so there were no more fights with my parents.
Fast forward again to last week - my sister gives me a call and apologizes, she told me that she knows we can never be friends, but she hopes we can be civil, I said absolutely.
I want to take a moment to thank all of the people who took time to respond to me, you guys helped me get through Christmas, 2020. | Father-Son-HolyToast | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/m2h6n1/some_real_give_a_mouse_a_cookie_shit_op/ | m2h6n1 | 4,448 | 357 | [
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2021-03-11T20:18:10 | OP finds herself in the strange position of being sexually harassed by someone who reports to her, and she's struggling with how to shut it down as the offender's supervisor [AskAManager] | EXTERNAL: AskAManager | *This is a repost. [The original post](https://www.askamanager.org/2019/06/my-employee-keeps-commenting-on-my-looks.html) appeared on AskAManager.org, not on Reddit.*
How can I best discipline/provide feedback to an employee of mine about his frequent inappropriate comments about my body/attractiveness? I’m worried about inadvertently devolving into “you think I’m hot” territory or drawing even more attention to my body, which makes me very, very uncomfortable.
Some recent comments/actions include:
* “You’re bringing sexy back!” — said because I was wearing a completely office-appropriate wrap dress which he found appealing.
* “You definitely look like you work out a lot.” — said after an innocuous gym-related statement I made.
* Generally staring at my chest/hips/legs while I’m giving him direction or feedback.
I’m completely at a loss about how to give feedback/direction without making myself feel more uncomfortable than I already am about this, or making him feel defensive.
---
[**UPDATE**](https://www.askamanager.org/2019/12/update-my-employee-keeps-commenting-on-my-looks.html) *(link is external to Reddit)*
Thanks so much to you, Alison, and to your rigorous and diverse community for the advice and guidance on my question.
I think partially due to the context of the “me too” movement, which I hugely support, my question got a lot of “fire him” responses, which I appreciated and laughed at but couldn’t abide by. I wanted to provide some background for everyone that I think might be helpful in brief, and then move on to how things went in this situation.
I am young (30), look younger, am conventionally attractive, and work at a company filled with older dudes who often say inappropriate things to me which I have sometimes gotten blamed for by HR and others. (Think, “you should really be careful around men” kind of comments. FROM HR. including calling me “sweetie” and “dear.” I often joke that I should wear a garbage bag over my entire face/body to prevent men from thinking I’m coming on to them by merely existing.) I have largely ignored this because I like to think of myself as “tough,” for better or worse, and have a huge amount of flexibility, autonomy, and ability to do cool things at this company. Also, this is an A/E firm with a low general level of emotional intelligence, and therefore my basic social skills are seen as highly rare and whimsical, like the rainbow mane of a unicorn, and so I have flourished and created a strong niche for myself, despite all the bullshit. But I totally get why you guys were like, “get out!” Believe me, I’ve thought about it.
Moving on … I dealt with this in three major ways:
1. After my employee made another comment about my physical fitness (and also weirdly my eating habits — he saw me house an entire burrito as I am a slob and eat once a day and said “I don’t know where you put that!”) I shut it down in the moment using Alison’s language, and he was completely mortified. Stuttering, head down, the whole bit. I also had a longer conversation with him during his quarterly review about the comments he makes and how important it is to be aware of how the things we say impact those around us, and he has improved significantly since then. As in, this really doesn’t happen anymore. He is a goofy, quirky, nerdy guy, and I want to see him grow, and I’m so happy that this isn’t a problem anymore. I really wanted to keep him on because I mostly liked the guy despite him sometimes veering into incel/nice guy/fedora-wearing territory.
2. I have one other female staff member under me and as she is awesome and I also want to keep her, I heeded ya’ll’s (ya’ll’s? is that a word?) advice on ensuring more junior female staff feel comfortable with this guy. Although he doesn’t make the same comments towards her, she did feel that he had a tendency to question her judgement in a way she felt was gendered, although she did mention that she likes him as a person and they frequently chat and go to lunch together. We just had that conversation two days ago and I’ve been out of the office in meetings, so I’m planning to catch up with him when I’m back so we can talk through this in person. I’ve also been monitoring how he treats other female staff, and while he is always very silly and quirky, I’ve not noticed anything concerning.
3. Finally, I’ve been the corporate Joan of Arc on pushing for diversity in senior management at my company. I was invited to help on this year’s strategic planning process, and was able to have a really productive conversation with our senior leadership on this issue. There are some great things at my company…and I could just leave … but I kind of want to create the company that I want to work for. From within. I know, I’m nuts! But I’m trying, my efforts seem to make a difference, and I really think more women in senior management (as in, more than the 0 there are now) would make a huge impact on how women are generally treated at the company and what behavior we find acceptable.
THANK YOU again for all your help — all of you. | Father-Son-HolyToast | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/m2zpfg/op_finds_herself_in_the_strange_position_of_being/ | m2zpfg | 5,087 | 397 | [
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2021-03-12T07:36:11 | Help | null | [deleted] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/m3cnaz/help/ | m3cnaz | 9 | 1 | [
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2021-03-12T14:45:35 | I think I've gotten caught up in a situation involving lying to/in court and I don't know what to do | LegalAdvice | This is a repost. The original [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/3r924j/oh_i_think_ive_gotten_caught_up_in_a_situation/) is by u/ ProbateCourtHelp
Short update: I'm getting my name the hell off this thing.
My sister is so smooth talking...so damn smooth talking. I talked to her without saying anything about this post. She didn't give me any specifics about what kind of proof she can get or what exactly she thinks our brother is doing to screw over the finances or hurt our grandparents, but she talks in such a...convincing manner that I was about ready to discount everything posted here. I asked her how she thought we should manage my grandparents' care after my brother was removed and she said she thought we should move them back to their house & hire a cleaning lady off Craigslist to come out once a week so Grammy didn't have to worry about cleaning.
Then I sucked it up and called my brother. He couldn't talk much since he needed to get his kids in bed soon, and he wasn't very friendly which I think I deserve. I told him that I think I was being lied to and that our sister was acting shady. He agreed to answer my questions.
I asked him why he'd moved them to such an expensive assisted living and I guess some months back Grammy left a pot on the stove and left to go shopping. My brother stopped by while she was out and found the pot on the lit burner billowing smoke, burnt & ruined and Grampa was watching TV totally unaware of the smoke. And Gramps had taken the batteries out of the smoke detector last time Grammy burnt something, so the fucking house could have burnt down. He moved them out right after that.
And whoever said my sister owes our grandparents a lot of money was right, according to my brother. Just over half a million. I feel sick.
But it's worse than that even. Okay, so Grampa kept really thorough financial files and he had signed loan agreements with whoever owed money and he kept everything in a file cabinet. Yes, I also owe them some money for a car but it's down to $4000 and I've made every monthly payment. So after my brother got my grandparents moved into assisted living, he went to gather all the financial documents so he could get everything in order and he found that all the loan agreements my sister had signed were missing from her file. He suspects she took them so there'd be no record of what she owes. Apparently Grampa kept photocopies of the important stuff including loan agreements and a payment ledger book in a fire safe as backup so my brother has proof of what everyone owes.
I feel sick, I don't know what to do. This is a nightmare. I'm going to call the lawyer tomorrow and find out how to get removed from this mess.
Original post below:
Quick background: my parents passed away several years ago in an accident, my mom's parents are the only living grandparents, my sister, brother & I are their only grandchildren.
This is a very long story so I'll try to be as brief as possible. My grandparents are approaching 90 and both have recently started to be affected by Alzheimer's. My brother has been helping them for several years, especially after our parents died. My grandparents have always been very active, very healthy, very independent people and I thought it was ridiculous that my brother would bring them meals, shovel their walkway, mow the lawn, help them to doctor's appointments, etc because they were perfectly able to handle that themselves.
Earlier this year my grandparents were diagnosed with Alzheimer's. My brother was given medical & durable power of attorney which was apparently how my grandparents set up their living trust. A few months after the diagnosis my brother moved them into an assisted living home.
My sister did some research and was getting very worried about everything. She explained that our brother now owned all of my grandparents' real estate properties and all their bank accounts and stocks and whatnot and that our grandparents were now powerless. That our brother controlled everything. I was really upset and worried, especially when my brother started renting one of the real estate properties out.
So my sister & I decided to try to contest things. She found a lawyer who came out to my grandparents' assisted living and met with them, we talked to him about how my brother was taking advantage of my grandparents and how he'd gotten them to sign over everything to him, etc. That lawyer called my sister back a few days later and said he wasn't going to represent us because there was no case.
So my sister found a different lawyer and things are now in probate court. She has way more knowledge about this whole thing so she's taken the lead on it. The new lawyer filed complaints with the probate court that:
1. my brother had taken advantage of my grandparents by "fostering dependence" when he was bringing them meals, doing yardwork, and taking them to the doctor when they were able to do it themselves and therefore putting himself in position to be put in charge of their money
2. my grandparents money/assets are being misused and/or stolen
3. my brother is renting out the house at below market rates
4. he's trying to isolate my grandparents by taking control of all their affairs and moving them into a home
We are asking the court to remove my brother as power of attorney and as trustee of the living trust.
Now, here's my dilemma:
The probate court ordered my brother to submit an accounting of my grandparents' finances and he did. Our lawyer got a copy of it last week and said that everything is not only in order, but that my brother had improved some investments to bring in more money to the trust.
Our lawyer also spent a little time going over some of the information in the trust. My grandparents updated their trust when my parents died to make my brother the first person in line to take over their affairs on incapacity or death. When my grandparents pass all of their assets are to be divided equally among my brother, my sister & me - except any outstanding loans any of us still have with them would be deducted from that person's share. He said there's also a "no contest clause" in the trust but that he needed to do more research on what that means.
He said that there's no way the court will make any changes based on the accounting because it's, as he said, immaculate. However if we have more information about my brother mistreating/isolating my grandparents that we'll fight on that.
Today my sister is telling me that she believes my brother has falsified the accounting that was done and that she's going to have proof of it and that we'll get my brother removed. She also plans to have the part in the trust removed about the outstanding loans being deducted and get legal guardianship over my grandparents.
I'm starting to have second thoughts and I'm not sure what to do here. If my brother falsified the accounting, what happens?
If my sister comes up with "proof" (but I have a nagging suspicion that she's going to make something up...) and gives it to the court, can I get in trouble for being on her side?
 
 
[** UPDATE 1**](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/4cdqn0/update_oh_i_think_ive_gotten_caught_up_in_a/)
Original post is here
First, I'd like to thank everyone here (and /r/bestoflegaladvice) for your input, suggestions, and the harsh words that it turns out I needed last fall. A few people commented that I sounded young and that's pretty true. My brother & sister are much older than me and my parents had me later in life. Mom used to say I was her favorite surprise. :) So, yeah, I'm just getting started in college and don't have much real world experience which isn't an excuse for how I acted, but it is what it is and I'm trying to be better. I took a humanities class that covers aging this semester because of this whole situation with my grandparents and I learned so, so much. I really enjoyed it too. I'm thinking about changing my major so I can go into a field that helps protect the elderly like maybe social work.
So, I told "our" lawyer back in November that I wanted nothing to do with the court case anymore and gave him a general outline of why I'd come to believe that my sister wasn't being totally honest. He filed stuff to show I was withdrawing my name from the case and then he "fired" my sister as a client. She dismissed (?? I think this is the right term) her case since she no longer had a lawyer and after some soul searching and a couple visits with a counselor at school I told her not to contact me again & blocked her.
My brother was willing to forgive me for some reason. I'm grateful for it, but I was a real jackass until I posted here about my grandparents' situation. He keeps me in the loop which is how I know how the last almost 5 months have played out.
My brother's attorney for the trust started getting emails from my sister's NEW lawyer (this would be the 3rd one she's used about her complaints over my grandparents' estate) later in the fall. She was claiming to Lawyer #3 that my brother was hiding bank accounts/money, that he was letting the trust's real estate properties go to junk and not taking care of them, that he didn't have insurance on the properties, he was letting people live there for free, and a bunch of other stuff that I could see was completely not true. She also started telling my grandparents these lies which upset them and and, being confused, they believed her for a bit and were just awful to my brother and me. Lawyer #3 was sending demanding emails to my brother's lawyer for him to show proof that the houses are in good shape, insured, not being misused, on and on and on.
After a couple months of this, my brother's lawyer got an email directly from my sister where she listed demands such as my brother must let her take inventory of all my grandparents' possessions and take some keepsakes for herself, that any renters had to be evicted immediately, that he had to put all the real estate up for sale within 30 days, and other things that my brother's lawyer explained that he absolutely did not have to do - and if these things didn't happen within 30 days she would be forced to pursue further legal action. And she cc:ed her lawyer on this email.
Well, my brother's lawyer got a call that same day from Lawyer #3 saying he had nothing to do with that email and wasn't consulted. That was the last we heard anything from Lawyer #3 and all was quiet for a few months.
And that brings me to the current situation. My brother's lawyer recently forwarded him copies of emails with, drumroll please, my sister's NEW lawyer - Lawyer #4! This lawyer is from a firm that does local ads like "Got a DUI? Charged with a crime? We can help!" I don't know why they're taking on a probate situation but it looks like they are.
And, really, it's the same stupid claims she made with Lawyer #3 and my brother's lawyer has already gone over with him exactly what he's supposed to be doing as the trustee so he knows he doesn't have to do any of the stuff she's saying. It's just... this is getting very hard on my brother. He's just so tired of it all.
What I want to know is I guess not so much about what legal steps he should be taking, because his lawyer has that covered, but maybe some advice from you guys since you've been dealing with all types of people in court.
Why is she doing this? I mean, she apparently wants to be the trustee but my brother's lawyer said that probate court would never give it to her since my brother has shown that he's managing everything exactly right. So why does she continue?
Is there anything we can do to get her to stop? My brother's lawyer said he's seen people act like this for years - but he didn't have any advice on anything we could do to get her to back off since she isn't breaking any laws.
I would appreciate any advice or suggestions anyone has.
 
 
[** UPDATE 2**](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/m3auuo/final_update_oh_i_think_ive_gotten_caught_up_in_a/)
So, right near five years have passed since my update on my sister doing her best to manipulate her way into getting her hands on our grandparents' (substantial) assets.
This is the final update because both grandparents have passed, and my brother filed the final tax return for the trust last month which was the last thing needed to settle it.
Here's what happened.
Gramps suffered a stroke several months after my last update. Because it happened at an assisted living facility just down the street from a major hospital, he was able to initially survive. My brother felt it was only right to inform our sister (I didn't agree). She took his call, thanked him for calling, and never came to the hospital. My brother & I sat in the ICU in shifts for days with Gramps.
Gramps held on for several months, was even able to return to live with his wife, but he was obviously not the same and pneumonia took him in the end.
His death pretty much sent Grammy over the edge. Her Alzheimer's progressed quickly after she lost Gramps and needed to be moved to the memory unit.
Grammy held on for years. Pneumonia took her the summer before the pandemic.
My sister never visited our grandparents after my last update. She didn't give up on her quest to be a terrible person, though.
Lawyer #4 lasted over three years. They settled into a rhythm of sending frequent demand emails to the trust's lawyer for copies of checks, proof that estate properties were insured, trust bank records, anything they were technically entitled to review due to my sister being a beneficiary. Any time a property had a necessary repair - i.e. plumbing issue causing sewage to leak in a house - my sister would have her lawyer demand copies of everything, insist on getting multiple quotes for time sensitive work, anything to drag the process out.
Every year when my brother would submit the trust accounting, weeks of work would follow due to her demanding clarification on every medical bill or questioning why Grammy needed $100 worth of clothing from Target or whatever random tidbit she'd latch on to - all one at a time, dragging everything out.
She also discovered that she could file complaints in probate court. The judge would send the complaints to mediation. My brother wouldn't agree to anything in mediation, and my sister would have her lawyer withdraw the filing.
This happened multiple times.
The trust's legal costs were staggering as a result of all of this.
When Grammy passed, the trust's law firm submitted an equitable distribution proposal to my sister's lawyer, including her outstanding debts (which she never attempted to repay to the trust, and which she continued to deny in spite of the documentation my brother had). My brother even offered to reduce the amount she "owed" if she wanted to take one of the real estate properties she'd previously expressed interest in so he wouldn't have to deal with selling it.
She refused the proposal if any of her debts were included.
There was some back and forth for a couple months, then she went quiet for a bit.
Then came lawyer #5.
The trust's lawyer assumed, probably correctly, that lawyer #4 realized his easy payday of sending nasty emails and filing motions that would go nowhere was over and stopped representing her.
So she got a new guy, and my brother had to start the whole process over. This new lawyer came to the table with only my sister's version of the story, including some new embellishments about my brother "hiding" my grandparents from her, and never knowing where they were, their health status, if they were even alive. The new lawyer really latched on to that part.
The trust's lawyer had told my brother early on to shoot them an email with any updates or changes to my grandparents' status/location, such as hospitalizations or ER trips or transfers to different assisted living accommodations and he always did so. The lawyer who took the lead on the handling the trust said it was hilariously satisfying to provide copies of my brother's emails to her and her subsequent emails to whichever lawyer my sister was on with said updates to lawyer #5. He suddenly "had a more pleasant demeanor."
This is already long, so I'll simplify the next several months (late 2019 to early 2020) -
Sister at first refused distribution proposal.
Trust lawyer simply submitted the proposal to probate court for them to approve.
Sister was suddenly fine with accepting the proposal. She asked for cash distribution less her debts, no property in-kind.
Brother takes the rental property in-kind, asks if I had interest in the vacation property our sister had previously wanted but no longer did. I have good memories there, decide to accept the offer so I can visit the property and so my brother can still use it.
Everyone signs the distribution agreements, papers are filed in court, and it's done.
My brother sells the remaining real estate property (a townhome my grandparents lived in before entering assisted living) and cuts checks for the cash distribution.
And....we haven't heard a word from our sister since, not in any form. She deposited her check immediately and that was that.
It's so anticlimactic after all the hassle she caused over the last five years.
The only thing she accomplished with these years of greed was to cost the trust something like $600,000 in legal and related fees. That's money that would have been split among the three of us. She cost herself over $200,000 for nothing.
She didn't even take the vacation property she had claimed to want so badly. Despite everything my brother offered it to her first because it apparently held so much sentimental value.
Apparently once she saw the appraisal on it from 2019, it wasn't that sentimental to her. It appraised at $90,000. It's not some fancy resort property or something, just a small vacation home in a pretty area.
I guess it's a happy enough resolution, all things considered. I was able to pay off my small amount of student debt from undergrad and I'll be able to pay for grad school
(I elected to take a year off to work in a nonprofit and then...pandemic!)
with a little nest egg. I have a cute vacation house that's now suddenly worth a whole lot more, but I'm not counting on its valuation staying where it is. My brother & I just use it for its intended purpose.
My brother elected to take the rental property as part of his share and after all the crap he's had to deal with he definitely deserves the rental income. I helped him where I could in all this mess, and I attended the mediation meetings with him to speak on behalf of the trust, but he did the hard work.
My brother & I are cool. We're friends, even. He forgave me for being an utter ass all those years ago and I get to be the cool uncle now.
I'm not even sure if any of the same posters are still active in this sub, but if you were around then, thanks for the brutal honesty and for explaining what was going on before I made any terrible mistakes. | Strider_A | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/m3izyg/i_think_ive_gotten_caught_up_in_a_situation/ | m3izyg | 19,124 | 447 | [
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2021-03-12T18:12:51 | My (27F) boyfriend (28M) is obsessed with my ex (27M). | null | This is a repost, original [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/k9c84u/my_27f_boyfriend_28m_is_obsessed_with_my_ex_27m/) by u/ThrowRAdatehimthen
We’ve been together for 2 years and before this, I would say our relationship was very close to perfect.
At the beginning of the year though, my boyfriend and I were at the grocery store and we bumped into my ex and another friend. This was the first time they had ever met each other. We made polite conversation before going our separate ways. My boyfriend made a sarcastic comment about how nice my ex was when he was out of earshot. I didn’t think much of it at the time.
A few weeks after this, I noticed he was on my ex’s Facebook page. When I asked him what he was doing, he shrugged it off and said he was curious because he saw my ex had commented on Luke’s (a mutual friend of ours and my ex’s) post. He’s since friended him on there and claimed my ex was the one to initiate it.
He’s followed him on Instagram and twitter too. He comments on a lot of his posts too but my ex rarely comments back. He also somehow got Luke to invite him to my ex and his friends’ weekly (virtual) hangouts. I mentioned I found it weird that they were hanging out but he dismissed it and said it wasn’t a big deal. He’s also started talking about changing his career path to what my ex is doing and makes snide comments about if his dad paid his way for him, he could take me on fancy trips too.
He’s also become incredibly passive aggressive towards me and makes comments about how if my ex didn’t move abroad for a few years we probably would never have dated. If I say no to anything (including sex) he comments about how he bets I wouldn’t say no if my ex was the one asking. He also got really sulky when he realised I still had a gift my ex gave me.
Yesterday we had a massive fight over it because I wanted to spend time together, but he ditched me to go hangout with my ex. I got so upset I told him he might as well date my ex instead.
I don’t really know what to do now. He’s giving me the silent treatment and I heard him tell my ex what I said which is really humiliating. What can I do to make him stop hanging out with my ex?
TL;DR – My boyfriend is weirdly obsessed with my ex and has gone out of his way to join his friendship circle. He’s also become passive aggressive towards me since spending more time with him.
 
 
[** UPDATE**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/m3l3uh/update_my_27f_boyfriend_28m_is_obsessed_with_my/)
After my last post, I tried to take the advice in the comments and suggested couples counselling and I asked my boyfriend to cut off my ex, but he got angry at me again. He claimed I was the one who needed therapy because I had jealousy issues, and that my ex was one of his good buddies and I couldn’t dictate who he was friends with.
Then a week later he had another hangout with my ex and his friends where he proceeded to very loudly tell them how I was so insecure, and I was trying to tell him who he could speak to. My ex and Luke had to tell him to stop which he didn’t like at all. I should’ve just broken up with him at this point, but I was stupid and still clinging to the hope of my boyfriend going back to how he was. After this happened, my boyfriend was constantly making jabs at my ex and Luke but then he would still contact them and pretend to be friends with them.
Then, he became super interested in what my sex life was like with my ex. He was constantly asking me who was better between the two of them and he would ask me if I had done this or that with my ex. I kept telling him I didn’t want to talk about it and to stop asking me. I then find out from my ex and Luke that he had been asking my ex directly the same questions and that he had been bragging about our sex life to his friends. My ex said he was telling me because my boyfriend made a comment about loaning me to my ex if he ever felt like recreating old times. That was the final straw for me, and I broke up with him and moved out.
My now ex-boyfriend didn’t take the breakup well and he went on a smear campaign. He even contacted my family and my ex’s family to tell them we were apparently having an affair and that he had no choice but to break up with me. It’s been almost a month since we broke up and he keeps getting new numbers to text and call me.
Deep down I think I knew this would be how things ended. I’m sad about the relationship I thought we had ending but now that I’ve had space away from my ex-boyfriend, I feel much better and it's like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders.
TL;DR – My boyfriend wasn’t willing to work on the relationship and he kept doing things to embarrass/upset me so I finally broke up with him. | Strider_A | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/m3ngh3/my_27f_boyfriend_28m_is_obsessed_with_my_ex_27m/ | m3ngh3 | 4,785 | 231 | [
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2021-03-12T18:42:21 | OP's boyfriend is obsessed with her ex. | Relationship_Advice | [removed] | RabbitsAmongUs | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/m3o2ws/ops_boyfriend_is_obsessed_with_her_ex/ | m3o2ws | 9 | 2 | [
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2021-03-13T08:05:10 | Unexpected Happy sending | r/maliciouscompliance | (Title supposed to say: Unexpected Happy Ending)
Original post by u/packrat2488
Try to be lazy and get me to do your job, I'll let you fail.
This happened 2 decades ago.
Some background: My first job was at a fast food chain. I worked hard, impressed the store manager and got myself promoted. At the time, I was still 17. So, I was promoted to “Team Leader”, with implication that I would get promoted further when I was older. I was still in high school, so I worked the evening shift which started at 4 and ended at 12. The evening manager was a good guy who also worked hard and as a result had gotten promoted to a store manager position at a different location. Since they needed a manager (and I wasn’t old enough) they hired a new manager who I’ll call Karen. So Karen is hired and starts shadowing the current night manager learning the ropes. After 2 weeks, he departs and she is now set take over. That’s where this story really starts.
I normally get in around 30 minutes early. One of my responsibilities is to make a position chart (which tells the workers where they are working that night). I need to hand it off to the manager for approval before posting it. As I arrive, I notice one of our night shift workers is already there. We’ll call her Jen. She is sitting in the lobby crying and being consoled by other employees. I always found her to be a bit manic, but she was a nice girl. She had a rough home life, so I didn’t hold it against her. Come to find out she had just had a large fight with her mother, which ended with her getting kicked out. So, she is effectively homeless. Good reason to be upset. I ask her if she needs the night off. She says no, she needs the money. I can’t disagree and head off to get started.
For the night shift, the night manager typically runs the drive through register after day shift leaves. There are a few reasons for this. First, this means that the manager has control of the drawer (and money) for the entire night. This eliminates the possibility of employees having short drawers. Second, this also puts the manager as the person interacting with the customers. I lived in a college town so drunken guys drive through all the time and just want to chat up the pretty face behind the register. Third, it gives the manager the least amount of responsibilities as far as clean up.
So, given what I now know, I make up a position chart and place Karen on the register and Jen on a fryer where she can get help if she can’t focus. I walk to the office to hand off the chart to night manager and was surprised that he wasn’t there. He normally is in at least an hour before shift to make sure everything is ready. That’s when I remembered, this will be Karen’s first night alone. I groan inwardly. This is gonna be a “trial by fire” kind of night. The day manager is there but no sign of Karen. It’s now 10 minutes to shift and even day manager is wondering what’s up. I fill day manager in about Jen, show her the chart and ask if it looks good. She agrees, and I said I’ll post it for now and Karen can sign it when she gets in.
I had just finished posting the position chart when Karen shows up looking frazzled. She heads for the office without a word to anyone. Meanwhile people start getting into position and ready for the shift. A few minutes later Karen walks up, pulls my position chart and replaces it with a new one. Again, she walks off without a word. According to the new position chart, Jen is working the drive through and Karen is working… nothing. Her name isn’t there. She has another employee working 2 positions and the whole shift working effectively one person short. WTF? I head to the office where Karen and day manager are talking and ask for some clarification. I explain there must be a mistake.
Karen: No, that’s right.
Me: But you’re not in a position and \*worker\* is working 2 positions…
Karen: Well how am I supposed to be in charge if I’m in a position?
Dayshift and I just stare at her blankly.
Dayshift: You need to be in position. You are accounted for in the labor calculations.
Karen: Well, I have 6 years of management experience and I have never needed to fill a position to get the job done. Things are gonna change around here. We do things my way now.
Now, she just spent the last 2 weeks shadowing a manager that walked her through every step of the job. She KNOWS she should be in position and why. This shouldn’t even be a question. She just wants to spend the shift sitting in the office and everyone knows it.
At this point, dayshift manager and I are sharing horrified glances at each other. I tell Karen that she’ll need to go get people moved around if that’s what she wants, because it’s her plan. She gives an exasperated sigh and heads that way. I turn to dayshift and plead with her to call the store manager and let her know what’s going on. She agrees. I head back to the line and start working. After short time later, dayshift pulls me aside and says that the store manager said it is Karen’s shift; she is in charge. She makes the decisions. Then she leaves for the night.
The shift proceeds to implode in a spectacular fashion. Less than an hour in, the employee working 2 positions is so far in the weeds that orders are taking 3 times as long to get out. The drive through is backed up and the guys stuck at the window waiting are trying to flirt with Jen, who is having none of it and getting more annoyed by the minute. As the wait gets longer and longer, the people are becoming more and more irritated as they get to the window and they are taking it out on Jen. Things are starting to get out of hand and Karen is nowhere to be seen. I go to the office to let her know we need help and find her watching a portable TV. I start to tell her what’s going on and she cuts me off. She tells me get back on the line, do my job and stop bothering her. I was about to try and explain when I just thought, “You know what, screw that.” Cue malicious compliance. I turned, walked back to the line and watched the situation unfold.
30 minutes later, a car at the window is giving Jen an earful about how long she has been waiting. She calls her worthless and Jen goes off. She takes the large strawberry milkshake next to her, chucks it at the lady and calls her a fat ugly c\*\*\*. The lady and the inside of her car are covered in pink goo. Everything went so silent you could hear a pin drop. Then the lady starts screaming. Jen closes the window on her and walks calmly to the back. The lady peels around the front and comes in the front door screaming for a manager. I go and knock on the office door. Karen appears looking pissed and annoyed. She tries to snap at me, but I tell her she has a customer at the front asking for the manager. Karen rolls her eyes and heads towards the front, oblivious to the shit storm that is waiting. I went and found Jen huddled in the back crying again. I tell her to get herself together and head back to the front when she is ready.
I head to the line where the now purple faced lady is screaming at Karen about dry cleaning and upholstery cleaning and “I want that girl fired.” At this point, I can see that Karen has finally realized that things have gotten WAY out of control. She is trying to calm the lady down, but she is having none of it. Eventually, Jen comes back to the line and lady starts in on her again, calling her all kinds of nasty things. Karen just stood there and let the woman berate her. Jen just kinda deflated in front of us. Watching her crumble like that just broke something in me. I walked over to Jen and said, “Just quit. You’re better than this job. And you can do better.” She looked up at me for a moment, then smiled. She lifted her chin, walked to Karen said “I quit”, handed her name tag to her and walked out.
Karen started apologizing to the lady who now seemed slightly mollified. Then, Karen started bad mouthing Jen to her. Saying how she was a terrible employee and how we were all happy she was gone. That’s when I decided I was better than that job, too. I looked at Karen and said, “The only terrible employee here is you.” And I walked out. 2 other employees walked out right behind me. We all met with Jen in the parking lot and went to an IHOP where we sat and speculated on how Karen was getting along. Jen told me that was the first time in her life anyone had ever stood up for her.
The next day, I got a call from the store manager asking for an explanation. Apparently, Karen had struggled the entire night with service. Afterwards, she had been there most of the night trying to clean and prep for day shift and had done a piss poor job. The story she had given the store manager was that Jen and I had planned everything with the intent to set her up because we didn’t like her and wanted to see her fail. Karen had basically blamed the whole incident on Jen and I. The store manager told me she was investigating to get all sides of the story. So I told her. A few hours later, she called again and informed me that Karen was no longer employed and asked if I would be coming in that night. I asked if Jen was getting her job back. She said no. The whole shake debacle wasn’t something she could overlook. I said then my answer is no. She was surprised. She tried to negotiate with me. I told her my price was Jen getting her job back. She said she couldn’t do that. And that was that.
If you’re wondering how Jen turned out, I married her. We are very happy and have 4 children.
TLDR; A new manager tries to change things to give herself an easy do nothing job. When I tell her it will backfire, she tells me to go back to work. I do and everything goes down in flames. She tries to blame me and gets fired anyway.
​
EDIT: Wow! Just wow. I wrote this while I was on break at work. Saw a few upvotes then drove home. And now it's just gone crazy. I tried to thank as many people as I could but I know I missed some. I showed it to my wife when I got home. I thought she might cry but she didn't. She says it was one of her darkest days, but it ended up being one of the best of her life. | cherrydollfacee | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/m420hk/unexpected_happy_sending/ | m420hk | 10,143 | 409 | [
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2021-03-14T14:35:53 | My(m39) Wife(f37) is forcing our son(m12) to quit gymnastics because she thinks it’ll ruin his purity | Relationship_Advice | This is a re-post. Originally posted by u/ThrowRAicecream
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/lfy2jv/mym39_wifef37_is_forcing_our_sonm12_to_quit/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
This is the latest in a string of disagreements that we've recently begun to have regarding our son as he enters his teen years. I met my wife in youth group before eventually getting married years later, but she's also been the more stricter one between us, and while I believe in being strict to a point, I believe there are some times when she's been unreasonably strict, times where I've had to step in and put my foot down. I remember when our son asked to skip youth group on a Friday to go to a friend's birthday party, but she said no because "God is supposed to come first", and while I get that, I told her she was being unreasonable, along with how missing an occasional Friday wouldn't hurt.
A similar conversation took place on one of his birthdays, when he wanted to sleep in, but she wanted him to come. I again chose to tell her that it wasn't a big deal, and although he was allowed to stay home in the end, she was upset in the car and most of the time at church. In addition to this, she doesn't want him to have friends who aren't Christians either, and that was one of the bigger arguments we had. When I asked her why she felt like that, she pointed to many mistakes that she made after "drifting from God" after graduating high school and thinking that she didn't need him, and that she was trying to help him avoid doing the same thing and stuff like that. I told her that while I understood where she was coming from, forcing him to do/go to something he doesn't want to, will not help him long term and only make him resentful later on, but she's convinced that he'll turn to drinking and other stuff like she did, and she often says those memories often stick with her to the point where she doesn't want him ever having to live her mistakes
The reason I'm writing this is because of our latest argument. She wants him to quit gymnastics because she thinks that "being around a bunch of girls in tights" is "unhealthy", along with how God wants us to "shield our eyes from things that could distract us from him". She also says the sport provides a lot of easy opportunities for him to "become lustful in an environment that seems completely normal", and I already knew that trying to talk her out of this one would be almost pointless, but I tried nonetheless. I told her that while she can think whatever she wants, it doesn't mean that others will think the same way. I also told her that there's nothing immoral about doing gymnastics and especially since he's passionate about it, but she said she didn't want him around an environment that often harbored girls of different ages, and that the last thing she wanted was for him to start looking at younger girls.
This is where I snapped and told her that while I supported her desire to talk to him about purity, that she is wrong for putting her religious bias in everything and assuming the worse for our son. I also told her that she is wrong for assuming our son would think like that, along with how she's wrong for viewing gymnastics in that light. She then told me that she'll no longer drive him or allow him to go at the end of his current class, and I told her that she's wrong and constantly over the top about everything, along with how she's presenting a demented example of Christianity to him. I then went to bed, since I had work in the morning, and the conversation took place right when I was heading to bed, but she said wanted to talk to me first.
When I went to work today, my son called me and told me what she said, that she had told him that this would be his last semester in gymnastics, along with saying that it is her duty to protect him while he lives under our roof. When I came home today, I wanted to talk to her over dinner, and I told him that he could take his food upstairs, but she told him that we were gonna eat at the table, and when we were done, she said that her decision was final, since she is the one who has to drive him in the first place, and when I tried to talk to her, she didn't want to hear it. Eventually, I told my son that I would talk to her and not to worry about anything, and he looked a bit better after I said that, probably because he knew I usually sided with him, but I'm slightly torn on this one. She's the one who drives him, and she's the only one who can while I'm at work. I'm considering asking someone else to carpool him, but I'm disgusted by the fact that I even have to do that, but my main issue is how she doesn't want to renew him at the end of the semester, so I'm considering using my own money to pay for it myself, but since our finances are combined, I know she'll throw a fit about it, and there's still the issue of how he's getting there
I'm open to any advice that I can get to make this work. I believe that she's wrong and that he shouldn't have to quit just because of her assumptions, but I also know that the real issue lies within our marriage. I've suggested counseling to her, but she refuses to go, so I went by myself for a while, and it did do some good. I want to make things work, and I understand that she's been through a lot, thus why she's so adamant about him staying close to God. But, I disagree with the way she's going about it, and I'm questioning if I'll ever be able to fully get through to her
TL;DR: My wife wants my son to quit gymnastics because she thinks that being in the environment will "make him lustful", along with how she doesn't want him "surrounded by girls in tights because it's unhealthy", based off of her personal experiences of running away from God and making mistakes before coming back to him, thus why she's big on purity and other stuff as well
**UPDATE**
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/lkpc7u/update_mym39_wifef37_is_forcing_our_sonm12_to/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
It's been a couple of days since my original post, so I'll get right into it. The short version of last time was that my wife wanted my son to quit gymnastics because she thinks that being around other girls in gymnastics apparel would cause his mind to lust and be "ungodly", and this is in the aftermath of her talking to him about purity and whatnot. Over the years, I've been too passive about her ways. When she guilted him into wanting to skip a single youth group meeting to go to a birthday party, all under the impression that "God is supposed to come first in everything". She also doesn't want him having friends who aren't Christian because she thinks that that will push him further away from God, and I consider this a contradiction to the Great Commission that is in the New Testament, not that I'm someone who advocates trying to bring religion into every conversation and come off as that weird person, but Jesus spent the majority of his time around people who weren't perfect saints, the opposite of what she's mandated
When she tried to force him to skip the party to put him first, I overruled it, taking the easy way out. When he wanted to hang out with friends who weren't necessarily Christians and she threw a fit, I wanted to tell her that that's a form of being prejudice by judging someone based off an imaginary image in our heads that has nothing to do with their actual character and before even meeting them, but I took the easy way again and just told him he was fine to keep them, when I believe that that shouldn't have been an issue in the first place. I did the same thing again in regards to the purity talks that she wanted to have with him too, and I agreed and let her have them, although I was rather quiet during the talk that we had, and I now regret and realize just how much of a mistake that was for these reasons
Being completely honest, this whole situation that has been brewing for years, has made me grow tired of her religious nonsense and somewhat religion as a whole, since it can sometimes become a scapegoat for petty beliefs that people want to promote under the guise of something like that, and I think it's very manipulative. For years, I did nothing because the thought of separation and the opinions that would follow from our church and parents and friends would be overwhelming, considering how some really consider it taboo to get divorced even if it's none of their business. But, to be honest, I don't really care anymore. I've been growing more numb to religion over the past few years because of her, and after hearing her suggest that our son would look at girls in the very same environment that he's grown up around for years in a lustful way... just doesn't sit well with me, and that's putting it nicely. She's sexualizing a sport and suggested that our son could become a predator if he stayed, and that has resonated more than anything else she's ever done, along with making me wonder if she doesn't have that kind of mindset herself already
So, what did I do? Before doing anything, I decided to talk to her one on one about the matter. I asked if she had anything against gymnastics personally, and I told her that trying to make him quit would only make him hate us. She replied something along the lines of how "the world has a habit of making everything that isn't sexual, sexual, and that the gymnastics environment promotes girls in clothing that can be easily looked at wrongfully", then going on to say stuff about how God wants us to have clean eyes and stuff like that. When I suggested that perhaps she was projecting her personal problems on her, which I debated if it'd be too harsh to say, but chose to anyway... she just said no and didn't want to talk about it. I eventually asked if she'd be willing to go to counseling with me, a professional counselor who we'd find within the area. She said no, and then I offered talking to someone inside the church second, but she became defensive and said that I was trying to embarrass her in front of her friends, to which I told her wasn't true, but that she wasn't cooperating when a marriage is supposed to be about working things out. She then proceeded to get upset and say that I'm wrong for allowing our son to stay in an environment where "he'll grow older as younger girls keep coming in", and that it says a lot about what I'm comfortable about looking at, by allowing him to do so, and I was done after that, since I felt she was accusing me of being unfaithful simply because I don't think he should quit gymnastics
Sure, I could talk to other parents and try to arrange a carpool, and I could drive him myself if I could get off early enough from work on some days too, but I can't control what she does at the home when I'm not there, since she already talked to him behind my back on numerous occasions while I'm at work, trying to explain why she wants him to quit and whatnot, and if she doesn't want to talk or cooperate with me, then what more can I do? I talked to my son, told him that we'd be going up to my parents for the weekend and potentially a bit longer, and I was direct in telling him why. I told him again that I'm on his side and that she is sexualizing a sport and minors in a way that is very inappropriate, and that the last thing we need is to deal with that as he goes into his teen years. I also apologized for enabling her for so many years while being afraid of the idea of separation, and while I heavily debated whether or not I should be this direct about explaining everything at his age... I did because I didn't want him to feel that I kept things from him as he grew older and throughout this situation, and I also told him how it was making me stressed at work and unable to focus on my job, which allowed him to open up and tell me that he feels guilty about wanting to go, which I told him was wrong and that he has nothing to feel guilty about. But, the fact that she made him even have these doubts, is something that didn't need to exist in the first place, and my parents are helping me look into a lawyer and other ways to comfort him
A lot of this is on me for allowing it to go on for too long, but I just want to know how to help him with the guilt that he voiced in the aftermath of her words. Besides telling him that I'm on his side and that she's wrong... she's already implanted that doubt whenever he's in the gym now, and I just want to help him navigate it to the best that I can and undo the damage that her bullshit has caused. As for my wife, she didn't know that we left until after we got there, but I told her exactly why we had left, and she was slightly apologetic on the phone. I asked her again if she'd be willing to go to counseling, but she accused me of trying to manipulate her into going, so I told her to call back if she had a change of heart, but my main priority remains undoing the damage she's done to him while recovering mentally myself and potentially working through a separation unless she shows that she's willing to change, which I have my doubts about, considering we left and she still wouldn't consider counseling. Just being up here though, is more peaceful and needed from the stress of work and being in that home
TL;DR: I talked to my wife again, but she accused me of being unfaithful by allowing him to continue going to gymnastics, and that was my last straw. I also asked her if she'd be willing to go to counseling, and she refused again. I'm currently staying with my parents at the moment while trying to figure out how to help my son through the doubt that he's expressed about going to the gym, that she created thanks to her bullshit from her past that she's unwilling to confront
**FINAL UPDATE**
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/m4o5qq/final_update_mym39_wifef37_is_forcing_our_sonm12/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
It's been almost a month, so I wanted to come back to this. I'm not gonna lie, I'm really tired at this point, and I wrote a lot the last two times, but I don't think I will this time because I'm really losing my energy about it. Basically, when we were still staying at my parents, I told her why we left and that I'd return if she had a change of heart when we first talked, but she refused to budge on her stance that it is "inappropriate for him at his age to be in the same gym at little kids" and preferably girls from a purity standpoint, since she believes that "the world has a habit of turning everything that isn't sexual into something sexual", and she believes that the sport just serves as eye-candy to lustful people who can watch girl run around in leotards as she often points out, and she's told him this bullshit while I'm at work, and it drove me crazy. I couldn't focus when in the back of my mind, she's at home telling him shit that I'll have to undo later, and I've stated in my update that a lot of her behavior is on me for being lax over the years, but I'm trying to do better, but it's been really stressful and it still is almost a month later
When we were at my parents, we stayed there for a little while, but she began to tell her parents and mutual friends false things about me, to the point where her parents and some of them began to call me or message me on her behalf and call me a bad husband along with other things, and apparently she told them that I kidnapped our son, along with other things about how I'm this horrible person because of her lies, not to mention something about me putting my hands on her once too which I swear never happened once in our life or even when we were talking abou going to counseling. My parents told me that she was trying to guilt me into returning under her terms and that I should continue to stay with them because she has truly gone off the rails, and we've been here ever since, but I've taken a leave from work because my mind hasn't been in a good place for over a month, and that's from everything that happened at our house and the new lies and the stress my son feels and finding a lawyer and researching other legal things with my parents, and it's taken a lot of time out of my parent's lives too, but they've been amazing and I want to thank them when it's all over and even before then
From talking to the police and organizing documentation for them and my lawyer, I'm tired right now, and my parents are too, but we're still trying to figure it out and know that this will probably be a long process, and I don't care how much it costs to debunk her lies and get us both into therapy. My son, however, does not want to go, and I told him alongside my parents that he could go with me or alone only if he wanted to and that we weren't forcing him, but he said he didn't want to at the time, so we've left it for a bit instead of forcing the issue, and I've begun talking to one in my spare time online as well, and my parents are helping me pay for it a little. However, my son doesn't want to do gymnastics anymore, and he's still hard on himself for everything that's transpired despite the many times me and my parents have tried to assure him that nothing is his fault, all of it is mine for letting her go down this slippery slope for so long, but he's had no desire to do it and has voiced guilt about being around girls and making them uncomfortable without even knowing he was, but I told him that that was his mom putting that in his head and that it isn't true, but I regret going along with her desire to teach purity and keeping us in a church that ostracizes people for having an abortion like one girl I mentioned in my second update, the same church that she has spread her lies to about me, and I have no intention of ever returning there again
In regards to his schooling, that's another mess at the moment. He hasn't been in class because she went to them too, and my lawyer thinks it's best to hold off on that for the moment for his wellbeing with others and the fact that she could show up there herself, but he wants him to go back sooner rather than later, and I do too, and I'm trying to see if there's a way that he can do most of his work online or something, but I'm still working on that at the moment, but most importantly, I'm trying to help encourage him to speak to someone for how he feels that's far beyond how I'm able to help him from a professional standpoint, and standing my him until he decides to do anything else. From a mental standpoint, he feels guilty like I said, not just for what happened with mom, but about the things she said to him about him lusting after girls without him knowing it at gymnastics, stuff that I don't want him developing a complex about over her nonsense, but my other main priority is getting a divorce after this last straw. I can't take it anymore, and I don't know how much longer this will continue. Probably awhile, but he's tired of gymnastics and not in a good state right now, and my parents think it's best to probably have him go to see someone sooner rather than later, which is why I'm probably going to make him go at some point, although I don't know the best way to do that without coming off as forceful in a way that he'll resent, and if anyone has any advice on how to make him go in a way that doesn't make him upset or resentful or unwilling to potentially help us with some of the legal stuff she might've said to him (although I know that that is not my first priority), I'd really appreciate that as it hasn't been easy on him, and I just want it to be over, but I'm aware that this is the consequence of letting her get away with small things over the years that boiled into this, but if we can come out alright, then maybe we can both somehow be stronger at the end of it
TL;DR: My wife has begun to tell lies about me to her friends, her family, our church, and our school in regards to me taking my son to my parents to try and make us return | MacaroonStatus9944 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/m4w5nn/mym39_wifef37_is_forcing_our_sonm12_to_quit/ | m4w5nn | 20,199 | 339 | [
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2021-03-14T15:05:59 | OP (33M) wants to know if he should tell his GF (28F) something | Relationship_Advice | This is a REPOST. Originally posted by u/Responsible_Safe_123 in r/relationship_advice
Original post link - https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/m4ijfu/should_i_33m_tell_my_gf_28f_about_this_incident/
Original Post
Should I (33M) tell my GF (28F) about this incident?
Hi, this is a throw account that I made specifically for this incident. I'd like to ask for your advice regarding this delicate situation please.
Me (33M) and my GF (28F) have been in a relationship for the past 4 years and counting. We have awesome relation and are very close to each other. It's worth mentioning that my GF had her previous BF cheat on her. So Infidelity is a huge thing to her.
I cycle three times a week with a bunch of my friends and one of them is a mutual friend of both me and my GF. She's the same age as my GF and basically are good friends with her. When I cycle I have a Go Pro camera on my helmet cause I like to document my travels.
A week ago, we had a cycling routine, out friend told me to meet her at her flat so we could begin together the route. This happened more than once, I'd rather swing by her place or she would come to our place and we start our route together.
I always start recording from the moment I exist our flat. Everything is recorded from the start to end, and then my GF would help me editing the video. Anyway, that day it was the same. When I went to pick that friend up she invited me in for a minute (the camera was recording). I entered and standed by the door, when she came out completely naked saying so how you like it? I was shocked so I covered my eyes and started to open the door when she came to me and groped me down there. I pushed her away telling her this is extremely inappropriate and exited her flat.
I didn't go cycling that day and returned home, my GF asked me if everything is OK and I said I was feeling a little under the weather. I didn't tell her anything until this moment. I made sure that the camera caught all what happened so I have evidence in case that friend tried to twist thing around and say I came onto her.
I mentioned that my GF was cheated on by her previous BF. Also, this "friend" is a close one to my GF and they hang out a lot with each other. Also, after that incident that friend is acting like nothing happened and still hangs out with my GF and have girls night out.
Should I tell my GF about what happened with her friend? Or should I put it to bed and never speak about the incident unless it was necessary? I've never been in a situation like this before. So what do you advice me to do?
UPDATE
Thanks for everyone who game me advice last night. I decided to take your advice and tell my GF first thing this morning. So, I prepared the video in case she wanted proof for what I'm saying. I waited after breakfast and told her everything and that I have proof if she wanted to see. She told me to make her watch the video and I did. After she watched the video she hugged me tightly and kissed me hard and told me thank you. She then told me that she's so sorry but she knew about all of this and it was a plan with her friend to figure out if I was an honest man or not. She told me that her previous BF met her about a month ago at her work and it brought back very bad memories and she started to have flashbacks of him cheating on her and starting to doubt everything including me. And that was a test for me so she can feel "safe" with me. I Honestly did NOT see that coming at all. I told her what she did is terribly wrong and I need some time to figure out things. She didn't want to let me go, but I told her I need a little bit of space right now and went away. I'm currently still out of the flat and don't know how to process everything. I think about staying at a motel for a couple of day to clear my head of so I can get back and have a conversation with her cause now I'm angry with her.
Anyway, that was the update of the situation, apparently I was the only fool in the situation and all that's done is that I made a fool of myself. Thanks once more for your advice. It was much appreciated. | Zestyclose-Ad-6352 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/m4wpoq/op_33m_wants_to_know_if_he_should_tell_his_gf_28f/ | m4wpoq | 4,119 | 189 | [
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2021-03-14T15:54:30 | OP (23F) is not sure how to feel about finding out her BF (27M) has a baby with his ex | Relationship_Advice | This is a REPOST. Originally posted by u/THROWRAHurtingLady in r/relationship_advice
Original post link -
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/jhsg4v/not_sure_how_to_feel_about_finding_out_my_23f_bf/
ORIGINAL POST
Not sure how to feel about finding out my(23F) bf(27M) has a baby with his ex
I’ve known the guy I am dating for about a year but we’ve only been dating about 6 months. Since we started dating he’s always been freaking out about me getting pregnant each time we have sex i.e always asking me if I’m sure my birth control is effective enough etc. It has made me paranoid to the point I started talking pregnancy tests every 1-2 weeks. About a month ago however, I blew up after he asked me about my bc and told him it’s making me anxious. He then told me an ex got pregnant while on bc so that’s why he keeps asking about that. When he didn’t say much afterwards, I jokingly asked if he has a kid running around and he’s like “yeah, my kid is now 6yrs old” and I was really shocked since he had never said anything about having a kid before. I didn’t ask but he showed a photo of the kid who so adorable and now I wish I never saw it. This ex was the person he dated the longest and I had been jealous of her before this cause he spoke about her a lot. Now I feel even worse since I feel like they have a lifetime bond because of the kid. He insists that they don’t t speak much after breaking up since the ex was not willing to let him have a relationship with his son unless they date again but I don’t know if he’s being truthful. At first I thought I was ok with this but now I’m finding that I can’t get past this as this is someone I really like and was hoping for something longterm. I don’t think I’ve liked someone I’ve dated before this much. Having a kid was something which I had hoped would be something I’d share with my just my future partner. My issue is not that he has a kid with an ex, my issue is that it was with this ex who he talks about a lot. Also, I feel like if I didn’t ask the follow up question about his kid I would never have known. I think this is something he should have brought up within the first 2 months of dating. Now I just feel really hurt and betrayed that he has this kid with his ex even though it happened long before he met me. The kid is also so cute I’m even more jealous. Please let me know: if these feelings I’m having are normal? How can I move on from this or should I just cut my losses and end the relationship? Also, when do you lot think is an appropriate time to tell someone you’re dating that you have a child from a previous relationship?
UPDATE
So he started being insensitive and weird since I found out but I didn’t have the heart to break up with him cause I really liked him. Towards end of December 2020 we had a big fight about his insensitivity and he wouldn’t budge and admit he was wrong, called me a child etc so I broke up with him. A few days later we talked a bit and I asked why he never told me about his kid and he was like “I didn’t consider things between us serious” and that was it. I was and still I am really hurt. We’re still broken up. I just can’t seem to get over this anger and resentment that this person I really cared about wasted my time and couldn’t be bothered to put an effort into our relationship. Thank you all who provided me with advice on this. | Zestyclose-Ad-6352 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/m4xnbt/op_23f_is_not_sure_how_to_feel_about_finding_out/ | m4xnbt | 3,389 | 138 | [
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2021-03-14T22:54:27 | My (31f) husband (33m) stayed with his HS ex-girlfriend during the massive Texas winter storm. | Relationship_Advice | [**Original**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/m34030/my_31f_husband_33m_was_stuck_in_dallas_during_the/) by [u/Throwragiblieygool](https://www.reddit.com/user/Throwragiblieygool/)
Both my husband and I grew up in a town called Denton NW of Dallas. We went to the same high school but didn’t connect until after college when we were both living in a new city. I thought we had an amazing marriage.
For backstory I couldn’t stand him in high school. He was part of this group that included his ex girlfriend who had been my literal enemy since grade school. Almost everyone from high school got along when we’d see them but she remained truly evil and our feud would start right back up every time we’d go back to Denton. He used to tease me for it but I didn’t care, I hated her.
Fast forward to the massive storm. It just so happened that husband was in Dallas that week for work. I don’t remember the exact day now but he called me, said power was out he had no cell phone battery and his flight had been cancelled and he was going to try to make it to see friends in Denton (about an hour away). When he finally made it home he said all went ok but was actually uneventful. I took that to mean he didn’t want to talk about it. No problem I was happy he was safe and home.
Fast forward to yesterday the gossip had gotten around Denton and back to me that he had never made it out of Dallas and he’d actually stayed at his ex girlfriends place (who lives in Dallas proper now). I was so angry my head almost exploded because i felt so deceived. I called my best friend in Denton to ask her what she knew and she told me that his ex-girlfriend had been to town and “casually mentioned” thad my husband “shacked up” with her and was her “storm buddy.”
I was so angry I almost packed up and moved out but I waited for him to get home and he was calm I wasn’t. He said the situation in Dallas was so bad and the roads were so impassable that he would have died had he tried to make it to Denton. He said her apartment was in walking distance to where he was and she was the absolute last resort. He said they agreed right off the bat thad because of the history they would stay in totally separate rooms the entire time he was there and not even be in the kitchen together. I asked why he didn’t tell me and he said he’s never seen me as mad as I get to anything relating to her and he felt it was best to be honest and answer my questions but id never asked if he made it to Denton or who he stayed with (true, I guess).
I’m so hot under the collar over this—angry doesn’t even begin to Describe how I feel...but I don’t want to make any rash decisions being that I’m so angry...
What do I do here? Why did he lie?
Edit: thank you everyone who’s posted so far. I have not spoken to my husband and am staying in our second bedroom because I’m so angry I’m afraid of what I might say to him. But I woke up to this email from her (names changed obviously)
>Deanna—
>
>I really need to apologize to you for my actions over the past few days and I think we should clear the air about recent events. Amber Smith let me know how angry you are with Tony because he stayed in my apartment during the storm—I also assume this means you are angry with me. She also told me you are thinking about leaving him over this.
>
>I don’t know what you’ve heard or what Tony has told you but I swear on my children nothing happened between us and he only stayed with me out of pure necessity. I understand how bad this looks, especially considering our history, but before you do something stupid and leave a great guy at least hear me out. You probably don’t know that the reason Roger and I broke up is because he cheated on me with multiple women. It broke me in ways you can’t imagine—so I completely understand how you are feeling suspecting something happened. It hurt me so bad that I swore I would never make another woman feel like that. You are no exception to this.
>
>I love Tony for all he was in my life and for the friendship we’ve maintained but I have the utmost respect for his marriage—even with me and your history. Tony called me stuck in the middle of downtown with a dying cell phone and it turns out he was minutes away from my apartment and he initially came over to charge his phone and make calls. Things got worse and he couldn’t make it to Denton so I offered him to stay with me. I was insanely busy those two days so we maybe said two words to each other the whole time he was here. He stayed in my sons room and absolutely nothing happened.
>
>I don’t know what’s going on in your house right now but I hope this jives with what Gregory told you. I know he was open and honest with you like he’s always been and I hope my accounting of events clears your head a little bit. I would never cheat with your husband or any man. I know the hurt.
[**UPDATE**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/m4xsy1/update_my_31f_husband_33m_stayed_with_his_hs/)
This may be a long update so sorry in advance but I got so much good from this sub and the comments on my last post that I wanted to keep every updated on what really went down, maybe why it happened the way it did and how we plan on handling things like this in the future.
One thing I probably maybe tickle truthed you guys with in my last post is how angry I am capable of getting. I probably approach and maybe step over the line into rage. I’m not proud of this at all and I think this episode shows me how much my actions have hurt the people I love. My husband is 6’4 JiuJitsu guy and I’m 5’2 and though he loves me, he’s also very afraid of me—that was a very sad and eye opening realization and I’m going to figure out how to correct my issues.
So what he says happened: he was checked out of his hotel on the way to airport when he got notice his flight was cancelled. His iPhone charger was not working (it is very frayed) and he called me to let me know he wouldn’t be home then started making calls back to hotel (who were already full) and to people we knew in the area. He got in touch with our friend Jonathon who said that his ex-girlfriend (Deanna-not real name) lives about 2 minutes from where he was downtown area. He called her and she said he could come over and charge his phone and figure things out. He got to her apartment and called my parents, my brother and my sisters husband and all advised him to stay off the roads and not try to make it to Denton. He made more calls but as the situation got worse it became clear to him he should probably just stay put. Deanna said that her kids were with their dad and he could stay in her sons room. He said they didn’t really interact because she was very busy with work and making sure her kids and family were ok.
I asked him why he didn’t tell me and he basically said that he was terrified of how I would react and felt it was better to lie by omission than risk me getting angry. Especially with my history with Deanna.
We had a long talk and I had to be honest with him that i probably would have been really upset—and I was. But I need to work on my reactions. We also talked that I feel he needs to be much better at communicating because his way of “no news is good news” just isn’t working for me and that I emotionally got through him being in the middle of a killer storm with no communication because I’m used to it—not because it’s right or I like it like that. But obviously implicit in that is I can’t freak out anytime he gives me bad news.
A lot of you guys asked how he would have her number and now she would have my email address. The truth of that is we are friends with all the same people back home and we’ve been on group texts and email chains together for well over 10 years. I have her number in my phone (not saved as a very nice name) and could have easily found her email if I needed. So that part is not very strange at all.
I also did a lot of soul searching on why I hate her so much because in the end she ultimately did a really nice thing for the husband of a woman who hasn’t been very nice to her for over 25 years. I don’t know if I would have done the same thing for her—I really don’t. She did spread it around Denton that he stayed with her. I wish she hadn’t done that. But whether or not she used terms like “shacking up” and “storm buddy” I don’t know if that’s true or the town gossips just added their spin. We are friends with all the same people (whom I love) but our spat has provided years of entertainment and gossip for everyone we are still in contact with.
So thank you to everyone for all the help. I have a lot of work to do on myself and maybe the true irony of all of this is that the person I’ve hated the most in my life might be the impetus for me being a better person.
Edit: lots of people commenting about why he didn’t drive to other friends house. First of all everyone told him to stay of the roads if he could help it. Also not sure if people realize how huge DFW is. I remember from my childhood in Denton it would take is almost 2 hours to go from our side of town to visit my grandparents who lived in Terrell which as also part of DFW | RabbitsAmongUs | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/m56je9/my_31f_husband_33m_stayed_with_his_hs/ | m56je9 | 9,242 | 236 | [
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2021-03-15T02:33:38 | My brother-in-law is making claims that he 'knows my secret' and I don't understand | Relationship_Advice | *This is a repost, original [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/k1fgi7/my_brotherinlaw_is_making_claims_that_he_knows_my/) by /u/throwrasecret0*
My brother-in-law (30m) is my sister's (29f) husband. We live on opposite sides of the country and my sister and I aren't that close, so I'd say that we don't know each other very well. We see each other at family gatherings maybe a few times a year, and he's always come off as a very average, kind-of quiet guy.
Around two months ago, I received a text from him out of the blue. It wasn't to check up on me or asking how I'm doing - the message said 'he's aware of what's going on' but that there was no need for me to worry, and he'd keep it 'hush-hush'.
I wrote a quick message back asking what on earth he meant, but all I received back was another reassurance that I had 'nothing to worry about' and that he was on my side. At that point, I gave up and assumed it was a some weird joke, even though my BIL has always been pretty serious.
Recently I was in a Zoom call with my parents and sister. The first thing my sister asked when she saw me was 'are you going to tell everyone the truth or just my husband?'. Obviously I was confused and I mentioned the text message BIL sent me, but my sister still seemed angry at me and I have no idea why.
The next day, I called up my BIL and asked him what the hell is going on with this. He was very cagey on the phone and just kept repeating rhetorical questions back at me, like 'do YOU know what's going on?'. I'll admit that I lost my temper at one point and snapped at him, since he wasn't giving me any answers.
That was a bad idea since this morning I got a new text from BIL telling me that he'd 'tried to do me a favour' that I 'clearly don't appreciate'. He mentioned 'we'll see what happens this weekend', which is the next time we're all meeting for a late Thanksgiving.
Honestly I'm terrified. The thing is, I have no idea what 'secret' my BIL could possibly be talking about. I don't live a very exciting life and I mostly keep to myself. There's a still part of me that's scared of whatever 'truth' he says he's about to reveal, even though I don't think I've done anything wrong. What do I do?
tl;dr: my BIL is sure that he knows some secret about me and he's threatening to reveal it. I have no idea what he could be talking about - how do I stop him/fix this?
 
 
[**UPDATE**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/k7szkq/update_my_brotherinlaw_is_making_claims_that_he/)
Hi everyone. Just before Thanksgiving, I posted about my BIL harassing me over a 'secret'. Well, Thanksgiving came and I was terrified. I almost backed out entirely and stayed in bed all day instead of going to the zoom meeting.
I did end up going in the end, and the first 20 minutes were incredibly awkward. My family and I aren't really compatible at the best of times, but there were silences that lasted minutes. Eventually my mother gave in and said 'we'd better get this over with'.
I've never been more terrified in my life. I somehow snapped my phone case in half because I fidget with things when I'm nervous. My BIL started talking about how he'd 'tried to keep my secret' for me but I clearly wasn't grateful. And then he told everyone 'you should know that she's gay'.
Everything got really awkward again, except for a different reason. My whole family already knows I'm gay - I have no idea how BIL never found out before now. I don't get on with my family, but me being gay has never been one of our issues. It's something nobody bothers me about and we don't talk about. My sister lost it with him immediately and said 'really? this is what you've been going on about?'.
We ended up ending the zoom call very early since my parents decided they were tired, but I think they both just didn't want to deal with this anymore and were sick of me/BIL. I've decided to block BIL's number in my phone, since other than this we had no messages anyway and I'm not going to be visiting my sister anytime soon.
TL;DR: my BIL was harassing me about my 'secret', turns out he had no idea what he was talking about and I'm fine | IzarkKiaTarj | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/m5aq0j/my_brotherinlaw_is_making_claims_that_he_knows_my/ | m5aq0j | 4,188 | 714 | [
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2021-03-16T00:10:30 | OP stands up for his parents | AITA | original post by u/throwRAhelplost
[original ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/m2zhf5/aita_for_not_wanting_to_hide_that_my_moms_are_gay/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
I’m 17 and started going out with my girlfriend 7 months ago. We were already chatting before school went online and I asked asked her out after.
So her parents wants to meet mines when it’s safe to do that and have dinner at their house. I’m cool with that and my moms are too.
But girlfriend told me that her parents don’t know I have 2 moms and she don’t want them to because they’re not raging homophobes but they don’t like that. She just says it will make them feel weird and uncomfortable and asked if only one of my moms could go.
Idk I just don’t see why I gotta lie. If we stayed together obviously they will find out and also that would be mean to ask my moms if one of them not go. I never been embarrassed about it or weird so don’t see why it even matters.
My girlfriend has been pissed at me ever since and she just tells me to do it so it’s not uncomfortable for her parents. Even my friends r saying it’s not a big deal and it’s not like I’ll get grounded for asking my moms to do this.
I’m caught in the middle here cause I don’t wanna lie about my moms or exclude one them but everyone is acting like I’m being the ass for not doing this thing.
[update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/m5qjx0/update_aita_for_not_wanting_to_hide_that_my_moms/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
So we broke up. Yesterday since it had already been days of us not talking. I listened to ur comments and decided to ask how would she feel if I told her only one of her parents could go cause *my* moms are uncomfortable around heterosexual couples.
She basically laughed and said it’s not the same thing because that’s a “normal couple”. That kinda got me and I asked what’s not normal about my moms. Think that’s when she saw she fucked up with what she said. She said she didn’t mean it like that and just knows it would be awkward and weird because her parents don’t like that.
Then I asked her if *she* would feel like that too. And she didn’t say anything. We talked for a while and she still wasn’t getting how this would hurt my moms asking them to hide who they are. Then it got to where she admitted it would also be embarrassing for her parents would know I have two moms.
And yeah I wasn’t gonna take that and told her we’re done. Not gonna be w someone who’s embarrassed about my moms or doesn’t want others to know. That was it.
My friends haven’t said anything to me yet but think I’m just gonna block them out cause I don’t wanna deal with their shit rn.
I know I said in my comments I was thinking abut asking my moms for advice but since we’re broke up I’m not gonna tell them why. I only told my moms it wasn’t working out with her so we’re done.
They dont need to why cause I don’t want them to feel is their fault and they really liked my girlfriend. This would hurt their feelings knowing she was feeling that way.
Its not my first break up but it still really sucks and I’m feeling sad. It is what it is though. Thanks for everyone’s help and for telling me ur own experiences. | cherrydollfacee | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/m5vy9q/op_stands_up_for_his_parents/ | m5vy9q | 3,278 | 453 | [
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2021-03-16T15:04:49 | confessions post about a guy unsure about telling a friend her boyfriend killed himself | Other | [deleted] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/m6b3qc/confessions_post_about_a_guy_unsure_about_telling/ | m6b3qc | 9 | 1 | [
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2021-03-16T18:13:20 | OP blames one of their sons for the other tantrums, AITA helped them realize they were enabling bad behavior. | AITA | Original post by [u/DonkeyImpossible292](https://www.reddit.com/user/DonkeyImpossible292/)
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/k6k736/aita_for_getting_mad_that_my_oldest_son_didnt_let/)
I have 4 kids, only 2 are relevant to the story, my 10yo son we'll call Jack and 8yo son who we'll call Tony. They were playing Mario Kart with each other on their 3DS's, my oldest son knows to let the youngest win, otherwise he'll throw a tantrum. The boys swapped DSs because Tony's needed to be charged and Jack didnt really feel like moving from his spot.
Like I said, Jack knows to let Tony win but for some reason he didn't this time. Tony started his usual I didn't win tantrum and threw Jack's 3DS across the room. The consol broke, the top screen came off the bottom and the buttons are unresponsive. Jack was upset, and that's why I got mad at him. He had been told repeatedly to let Tony win to avoid a tantrum.
My husband and my two girls (16 and 17) are saying that I should make Tony give Jack his 3ds, but I think its Jack's own fault for giving him his one and then not letting him come first place. Jack is refusing to share anything with Jack and has hardly spoken to me in days so I'm left to deal with the constant tantrums on my own. AITA?
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/m6c3qn/update_aita_for_getting_mad_that_my_oldest_son/)
Hi, so it's been a few months since I posted that, and I was (mostly) rightfully dragged for it. There's been enough breakthroughs for an update so here we go.
As I mentioned in comments, Tony had unmedicated ADHD, and after taking him to his doctor to start the medication process, we were told that it wasn't ADHD, but most likely autism spectrum disorder. The doctor was in fact right, however reddit was right. I was enabling his behaviour. We, myself my husband and Tony are all in group and individual counselling now.
And onto Jack. I did not make Tony give Jack his 3DS, but Santa delivered Jack an early Christmas present, a brand new Nintendo Switch, Tony isnt allowed to touch it.
There's much less tolerance for Tony's tantrums now, and his behaviour has improved massively. He doesn't get what he wants just because he'll have a tantrum. Now he understands that he'll be put in a room on his own and if he comes out before he's calmed down he will not be acknowledged.
Overall, a pretty positive update. Thank you for all of your advice and for telling my i was infact the asshole. | Im_your_life | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/m6fg86/op_blames_one_of_their_sons_for_the_other/ | m6fg86 | 2,487 | 503 | [
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2021-03-16T21:55:19 | The guy that gained 70lbs & realized his girlfriend was abusive, 1 Year Update | Relationship_Advice | The first update on this OP was posted a year ago here in r/BestofRedditorUpdates. There is a 1 year update from OP at the bottom.
Original post by u/Elad0
I gained 70 pounds. Is it okay to ask my girlfriend to stop making mean comments about it?
[Original Post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/egvgs0/i_23m_gained_70_pounds_and_ruined_my_relationship/)
I just want to start by saying I don't blame her at all, she is a great girl and I pushed our relationship to breaking point by gaining so much weight that I am no longer attractive. It's all entirely my fault so I'm not angry with her.
It's just that the frequency and increasing nastiness of her comments are starting to get to me a little. Maybe I don't have a right to feel this way, I don't know.
I gained almost 70 pounds in our 2 year relationship, mostly due to depression, drinking, and letting up on my previous strict diet. When we started dating I was fit but a bit chunky at about 190 at 5'11. I had just lost about 40 pounds.
I gained that back plus about 25lbs more during our relationship and I got to 258 lbs at 5'11 at my biggest. I have now lost 7lbs on a diet. I'm disgusting. I can't even look at myself.
She brought it up after I had gained about 20lbs, and then the comments got more frequent and now she makes probably 3+ comments/insults a day about my weight.
Here are some example things she has done or said (I know these may seem bad but I'm not trying to demonise her, she is great otherwise) :
She refers to me as her "morbidly obese boyfriend" to her friends and anyone else behind my back. I am morbidly obese (i think?) So she's not wrong but it's very embarrassing. I guess I deserve it though.
We had an argument (rare) where she called me "a disgusting fat pig" and said she was "counting down the days until I died of obesity" She apologised for that one and we had a good talk about things after, but she soon went back to the comments.
She buys me clothes that are too small (she says it's not on purpose but I think it is) and then says something like "wow I can't believe you've grown out of that already!" One time she made me come with her to the shop to return a pair of jeans and swap for a bigger size. She made a massive fuss about it with the employees and basically just humiliated me in front of everyone in the store.
She said she would only have sex with me if I lost "at least" 70 pounds. She says she can't help but find fat extremely unattractive. I do understand that and it's okay to have preferences. I'm doing my best to reach that goal, and I want to lose even more than that.
She calls me greedy and says I have no self control. She isn't wrong, but she will make me food then if I eat it all say that i have no self control..? I never eat the full amount anymore, so I guess that tactic worked. If she makes me food I'll only eat like a quarter of it so she doesn't say anything.
I get anxiety whenever I eat in front of people now. I get like sweaty palms and think everyone is looking at me. I went out for christmas dinner with my friends and only ended up eating a few bites because I was so anxious. I know that's a good thing and I should be thanking her for that, but I don't want that anxiety to stay even when I lose weight. This isn't her fault though obviously, she is not responsible for my anxiety.
She tries to control everything I eat. I am on a diet and have lost 7lbs in the last two weeks. Not much I know, but I am going to start a water fast at the start of the new year. She didn't force me to do that, but I hate myself to the point where i would rather be dead than live in this body any longer, so I want to lose weight as quick as I possibly can.
I know it's not her fault at all, I ruined the relationship when I gained weight, not her. Her reaction is understandable, she doesn't want a fat boyfriend. It must have been frustrating to watch me gain all that weight. I feel terrible for what I've done to her.
She always says how much happier I will be if I lose weight and I know she's right.
It's just I can't help but feel hurt and almost...afraid of her sometimes? Not like actually afraid, just like afraid that I am physically repulsing her. I unconsciously suck in my stomach whenever I'm around her now.
Sometimes she treats me like I'm the most disgusting thing she's ever seen. I agree that I am physically repulsive but I can't help but be hurt sometimes.
Should I just accept it? That's what I have been doing so far.
However, since I have started losing weight, is it okay to ask her to stop
making comments?
[1st Update 1 Year Ago](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/eiyhsn/update_i_24m_gained_70_pounds_and_ruined_my/)
Thank you so much to everyone who commented. It helped me see my relationship in a different light, so thank you all, even the ones who said I deserved it.
The general consensus was that she was abusive which honestly shocked me at first, I really expected every comment to support how she treated me and say she was just trying to help etc.
I thought I deserved to be abused for gaining weight, I still kind of believe that, but I think most people treat their partners with kindness. I never want anyone to feel the way i did due to their partner. Also, the high stress/anxiety levels I felt constantly are pretty terrible for losing weight.
I had convinced myself that i was disgusting and undeserving of love and she was just trying to help, but I now realise she probably wasn't even trying to help me at all. It's hard to think that of her, because I love her a lot still despite her faults.
I realised there were a lot of things in our relationship that I was uncomfortable with that I felt like I could never bring up because she would get upset and start crying so I would end up comforting her, or she would just turn it on me and get angry and blame me. Things always had to go her way or she would start crying.
My girlfriend was entirely dependent on me for money and I paid for literally 95% of things. She never wanted to get a job because I paid for her. I was okay with this because i loved her and felt like i had to prove myself to be worthy of her. I paid all the rent and bills.
2 days ago (NYE) I was in our bedroom on my phone when I got a text. It was from an unknown number calling me a "fat fuck" and something about how I didn't deserve my girlfriend. This wasn't too unusual, I have been receiving abusive texts from several different random numbers for months. Mostly about my weight but also about all sorts of things.
I had several ideas of who it could be, and it was honestly eating me up inside. It was giving me extreme anxiety because they seemed to know so much about me.
A few hours later, on a whim I decided to call the number. I have done this before but it never got answered. I even spoofed my phone number and still nothing.
You can probably see where this is going. Vibration came from my girlfriends bag in the cupboard. I guess she forgot to put it on silent. It was like the biggest sinking feeling I have ever felt. She had purchased a burner phone specifically for texting me abuse. She took time out of her day just to put me down anonymously and wear me down further. She wanted me to be hurt and not trust anyone around me.
I truly never thought she was responsible for them. The thought had come into my head a couple times, but I immediately pushed it out. I didn't believe she was capable of something like that. She was always sympathetic when I got the texts and was "trying to help me found out who sent them".
It hurt so badly. I could almost forgive everything else but everyone has a breaking point.. I just feel completely worthless. How disgusting must i be if my own girlfriend wants to say these things to me.. why would she do this? I don't understand. I guess she wanted me to be under her control and even more dependent on her emotionally. I'm trying to get out of the mindset that I deserve this.
I knew I had to end it and I had to do it before she would make me change my mind. I gathered all her stuff up and put it into bags. I was getting extremely upset while doing it and almost stopped, but I was also angry. I don't really get angry, and I previously just accepted her treatment, but something in me just snapped. I was actually mad at her for once.
She was at her friend's house preparing to go out for NYE. I did feel guilty for ruining her night, but she had already ruined mine. I wanted to try and leave her in 2019 and start the new year without her.
I had to do it right then before I thought about it too much and forgave her like I did for everything else she has done. I called a locksmith to come and change the locks.
I knew she would have an extreme reaction to being broken up with (by her obese boyfriend who doesn't deserve her) no matter the circumstances anyway, so I just had to do it.
I texted her, "I found your other phone. I love you (her name) but I can't put up with this shit any more. All your stuff is in bags in the hall. Please come by and collect it tomorrow. I changed the locks so you will have to let me know when you're coming beforehand. Happy new year."
Yes...saying happy new year was a bit petty.
To say she didn't respond well to this would be an understatement. She called me crying, telling me she was sorry and would stop. She told me she was just trying to help me and that she was doing it out of love, she told me she loved me more than anything and she was so sorry... I almost believed her, but I didn't give in. I apologised to her and hung up.
She called me back 2 minutes later angry and screaming how could i dare do this to her, called me a fat disgusting piece of shit and said she never loved me. She screamed that she never wanted me and that no one ever will. She screamed that even my own family didn't care about me (this hurt because my mum was an abusive drug addict and my dad left when i was 10 and i haven't seen him since). She said that whenever we had sex she was thinking about her ex and praying for it to be over. I guess she was just trying to say anything that would hurt me.
I blocked her number. She called me back again on her friends phone screaming how dare could I block her and how dare i could leave her with no place to stay on NYE. I didn't do that, I would never leave her without a place to sleep. She could go to her parents and she has plenty money (that i gave her) so she could get a taxi and stay in a hotel if she preferred. She also said beforehand that she was staying at her friend's that night anyway.
She posted on her Instagram story that she was "heartbroken" and that her "boyfriend had left her homeless on NYE due to a little misunderstanding. After everything he put me through, he still does this. I loved him and thought he loved me, but I guess I was wrong"
I then received messages from her friends telling me I'm a horrible person and she deserves so much better than me. Her mother (unpleasant person) called me saying she was calling the police on me (??). She also brought up my weight and said that it was "laughable that i would break up with her looking the way i do" and I "would never get anyone better".
All of this was stressing me out to the extreme. I hate confrontation in any form and I think i was just constantly shaking the whole evening.
My girlfriend's friend ended up calling me on a different number and said that she and her boyfriend weren't comfortable letting my girlfriend stay over at their house anymore. They were freaked out due to my gf screaming abuse at me on the phone, and she was apparently screaming at them as well and saying she was going to kill me.
All her other friends at the house were freaked out too and she was effectively uninvited from their NYE night and they were trying to find a way to get her to leave.
I don't know where she went for a few hours but she came back to my house around 2am and started trying to kick the door in and picked up a rock and tried to smash the window (it broke the window but didn't smash all the way through). She was screaming and crying through the letter box. I ended up caving and letting her in once she calmed down somewhat, as my brother was there with me to back me up.
She was drunk and tried to attack me but I held her back. Eventually she just started crying. I felt really bad for her at this point and was almost ready to let her stay just for the night, but thankfully my brother ended up getting a taxi with her to take her to a hotel for the night.
I felt really terrible the next day. I loved her and we spent two years together. I keep wondering if she's right, that I will never find anyone again. I can't see why anyone would want me. I also feel really guilty for what I did and I was probably too harsh on her to just kick her out like that.
Her mother came to collect her stuff yesterday and started screaming at me, saying that I ruined her daughter's life etc etc. I feel really bad.
I hope she's okay and I want her to get help and realise why she treats people the way she does. I know I wasn't the first, I brushed off so many stories about her and just ignored all the signs.
With the weight loss, I am currently continuing my diet instead of water fasting like i planned. I want to try and do a sustainable diet instead of just starving myself for a month and probably gaining it back. I want to try a 7 day water fast to detox though.
I also need to stop relying on alcohol to relax in the evening, it was a big reason I gained the weight. I realised I have been consuming at least 600 calories a day in alcohol alone (3 pints of beer). I definitely used it to cope with stress and I need to develop better coping mechanisms.
I'm going to lose all the weight in 2020 and I'm also going to get into therapy so I can sort my head out, there are so many unhealthy thoughts i have and i don't think hating yourself as much as I do is normal.
I feel sad but strangely relieved and like I can actually make changes in my life without her.
[Final Update 1 Year Later ](https://www.reddit.com/user/Elad0/comments/l88xcj/update/)
Hey guys, I hadn't checked this account in like a year but suddenly got a load of notifications to my email and saw that my story got posted on YouTube. If anyone cares, I'm doing a lot better now and it makes me physically cringe reading that old post. I was such a doormat and let her walk all over me. I'll never let anyone treat me like that again.
I managed to lose all the weight I gained plus some in lockdown, unfortunately gained 10lbs back in the most recent lockdown due to exercising less but I'm working on losing that again. I'm still much happier and healthier than I was, drinking less too.
My ex tried periodically to contact me but seems to have now got a new boyfriend, hopefully she doesn't put him through the same shit. I've been on a few dates but no new girlfriend yet. Soon though, I think I'm in a much healthier place to have a relationship now.
Thanks for all the support :) | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/m6ki5f/the_guy_that_gained_70lbs_realized_his_girlfriend/ | m6ki5f | 15,147 | 536 | [
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2021-03-18T22:14:55 | OP's best friend is 17 dating a 25 year old and doesn't know if they should tell her strict parents | Relationship_Advice | *repost, original [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/lyogpo/my_best_friend_is_17_dating_a_25_year_old_and_me/)*
 
my best friend is 17, and she met this guy online who is 25. They’ve met and gone out and she lost her virginity to him. My friends and I are very concerned for her well-being, and think she’s only going after this guy because he makes her forget about her ex.
We tried finding him online by searching his name and even address online and couldn’t find anything, and his only form of social media is snapchat. He’s asked to film them having sex and he knows she’s a minor.
I have confronted her about this and have voiced my concerns to her 3 times now. Every time she gets mad at me for it because my boyfriend is 20 (i’m 18) and she says i should just be happy for her because she’s finally happy. I want to be happy for her but i’m not just going to sit by and watch her get groomed or something worse just because he “treats her like a princess”.
my friends and i have talked and we either want to tell her parents who are strict as hell bc they don’t know and risk never seeing her again but knowing she isn’t going to this guys house, or all of us confront her even though she probs won’t listen.
ETA: the age of consent in our country is 18. To everyone saying it’s not a big deal, you’re sick and need to reevaluate your life, and I hope you never have kids.
 
[**UPDATE**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/m0sojd/update_my_best_friend_is_17_dating_a_25_year_old/)
Ok ask so my friends and I went to her parents. They flipped out obviously but they weren’t mad at her they were just really really upset. They went to the cops the day after we told them and the cops couldn’t find anyone by that name so he had given her a fake name. The apartment that my friend had been going to to meet up with him was owned by someone else...so eventually they figured out his real name and address and turns out he’s 31 AND married, and I can’t be sure but I’m pretty sure they found texts and nudes on his phone from other underage girls. So my friend is super upset bc he lied to her so much. But so the guy is probably definitely going to jail and going to have to register as a sexual predator.
Thanks to everyone who gave me advice and support. It was a super shitty weekend going through it all but I’m happy we did it.
To everyone who was defending this guy (and WOW were there way too many of you) you need to go get therapy and I hope you never have kids.
And to the guy who told me this: “I seriously feel sorry for your friend. I would feel extremely betrayed by your self righteousness. .......Sad. Hopefully your friend gets on here one day and we hear her side of things.”......STOP COMING ON THIS FORUM. you give shit advice and were okay with an old guy filming himself having sex with a 17 year old. Gross.
Again, thanks everyone. My friend is doing alright. She’s pissed at us for going to her parents but I think she’s more pissed at him for lying to her. | bestupdator | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/m8277k/ops_best_friend_is_17_dating_a_25_year_old_and/ | m8277k | 3,065 | 611 | [
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2021-03-19T20:34:15 | Coworker [45M] often interjects his opinion on OP's soon-to-be wedding. | r/relationships | *repost, original [post](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/lk3bta/my_coworker_45m_often_interjects_his_opinion_on/) by u/itsgonnabcourthouse*
 
My fiancé and I have been together for 10 years and decided to tie the knot this upcoming summer. I have this coworker who doesn’t listen at all. It’s his way or not at all. My coworker (Jack) has assigned himself to be our florist after overhearing my conversation to my friend. He mentioned that he used to be a florist before working at our store. I never asked Jack to be our florist. I’ve politely told him no, we already have our flowers arranged. He asked where we’re getting married, I told him courthouse. He gasped and acted all dramatic about it and muttering that it wasn’t romantic enough.
We haven’t talked since then. Now, since it’s Valentine’s Day, Jack brings up the flower thing again since he was working the floral section in our grocery store. I told him again that we already had our flowers. It was in one ear and out the other. He kept talking about how he was excited for my big day, and the flowers were gonna be so pretty, etc.
I’ve walked away and pretty much haven’t said anything about my wedding to anyone because this guy just doesn’t get it. I’m fed up and have been avoiding Jack because that’s all he wants to talk about. I’ve told him no so many times. What else can I do?
TL;DR: coworkers obsessed with flowers and won’t stop mentioning about his “job” in our wedding.
 
[**UPDATE**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/lu2z2g/update_my_coworker_45m_often_interjects_his/)
Hello, thank you all for the comments!! I know it's been almost 2 weeks since my last post. Some of y'all offered some great advice...again, thank you. So here's what happened since my last post.
I went back to work the next day and Jack was off...it was blissful. I didn't see him the rest of the week because he went back to Montana to see some family. I only knew his whereabouts because another coworker felt the need to inform me...
Anywho, Jack gets back that weekend and on Monday he runs into me as we clock in. Immediately he begins to describe Montana...his sister was getting married in a small wedding...the colors...the flowers. I express my congratulations to his sister and start heading to my department. We don't see each other until lunch break.
I'm sitting down enjoying my leftovers when Jack comes over and starts in on what he has in mind for my wedding, even so far as mentioning price brackets. I put up my hand and tell him to stop. I tell him that my fiancé and I are doing a courthouse wedding, it may not be romantic in his eyes, but it's what we want to do and what we are looking forward to doing. I also told him that he needs to drop the subject as we are not changing our minds.
He starts apologizing and saying that he didn't realize that I was serious about the courthouse. I just shook my head and told Jack again to stop talking about it before I walked away from him.
Yesterday I heard from another coworker that Jack was upset and didn't mean to cross lines with me. At this point I don't care. I said my piece and am super happy that I stood my ground. I will keep doing this too because it feels good to not be a doormat. I should've done this sooner! Thank you again.
tl;dr: Jack went on vacation, came back, and started his usual spiel. I stood my ground and it felt pretty damn good. | bestupdator | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/m8qeti/coworker_45m_often_interjects_his_opinion_on_ops/ | m8qeti | 3,440 | 334 | [
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2021-03-20T00:44:24 | Wholesome Update in the Edits -OP's Neighbor Learns about Autism | AITA | *repost, original* [*post*](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/hu96oq/aita_for_turning_a_neighbours_abelist_argument/) *by* [u/OctoberBearBoatwrigh](https://www.reddit.com/user/OctoberBearBoatwrigh/)
Fairly short one: I have autism, as does my son. A friend/neighbour has made casual comments for years about how autism isn't real, it's over-diagnosed, only children have it and teens/adults with autism are just using it as an excuse to not grow up, that autism is the result of bad parenting, the list goes on. The closest I've seen to him backing down is when one of his teenage son's called him on it in front of me and told his dad what autism actually is, listing symptoms, at which point his dad declared that "in that case we're all a bit autistic" and spent a few months telling anyone who'd listen that he's autistic too. Anyone who's dealt with someone like this before, sorry, I know you blood pressure already hit the roof, but earlier today I was straight up done with it.
Anyway, my son and a few other neighbours are outside, all appropriately distanced and having a chat. My son is stimming with one hand, a sort of one-handed clap he does when he's excited, which helps him manage his symptoms. One of our neighbours, who doesn't know he's autistic, asks about the stimming and other more obvious symptoms, and the Autism Neighbour answers before my son can, telling Nice Neighbour that *apparently* my son is autistic, before launching into a monologue about how autism isn't a real thing, nothing person to my kid, he's a nice boy, but if I'd done a better job raising him he wouldn't have his symptoms, and that "autism didn't exist" when he was growing up.
My son looks like he's about to cry and after 9 years of this crap I'm just done with it, so without really thinking I lean into the conversation and tell him, "Autism's existed forever, Neighbour, we just didn't know about it until recently. It's the same reason we used to shoot soldiers with PTSD for cowardice and kill people with epilepsy for being possessed by demons (note, his teenage son has epilepsy, which I know about.) Your personal ignorance in the face of modern knowledge doesn't prove or disprove shit, and I don't know why you're so proud of the fact that your brain is still running 50 years behind the rest of the world."
Not gonna lie I was damned proud of that, I thought that was a decent burn and I actually managed to get all of the words out in their intended order - I'm *not* an eloquent speaker, lol. Welp, everyone's mad. Neighbours are mad 'cause I swore (note: the youngest person there was my son, who's 12 and cusses like a sailor. Everyone else present were teens and adults), others thought I over-reacted, others think Autism Neighbour has a valid point, and even the ones who agree with my point think I was an asshole in my delivery. Son's mad that I embarrassed him, Autism Neighbour is mad at being called out, and blames me for the fact that he's now fighting with his epileptic son, who apparently is the only one who thinks I'm right and his dad needed the take down. The kid literally knocked on my door to tell me as much and now Autism Neighbour is mad about that too.
AITA?
**Edit** and **wholesome update**: Holy shit this got big while I was sleeping xD I'm in the UK btw since some people mentioned countries. Thank you so much for the awards and upvotes, I've only posted to reddit a couple of times so I'm new to it all but for real, thank you. And sorry to the people I apparently upset with my "karma grab" I don't know what that is but I assume I did it. Sorry, didn't mean to.
To answer some questions - I said "shit," that was the extent of the cussing. But again, British, a nice white elderly neighbourhood as well, so shit is definitely swearing here. Also for those who asked if this was rehearsed or commented [r/thathappend](https://www.reddit.com/r/thathappend/), yes, it's something I've said before quite a few times over the last two years, almost verbatim, it's my go-to response to autism deniers online, which is why it's so polished. Still proud of myself for actually getting the words out, I tripped over "car park" and said "par cark" instead last week and my kids are still laughing about it, that's how bad I usually am with talking. If you still think it sounds fake, well, that's okay, I respect your healthy skepticism.
Now for the **wholesome update**, Autism Neighbour knocked on my door a couple of hours ago (it's 12:35pm here, lunch time) and apologised wholeheartedly. Apparently two things happened after we went our separate ways yesterday:
1 - His teenage son found him some images of brain scans of people with different disorders like depression, autism, ADHD, etc. He's spent years looking at brain scans and readouts from his epileptic son, so seeing that for people with Autism, how it's a physical difference in the brain, just like epilepsy, was the moment the penny dropped for him. He told me he's always just sort of assumed autism symptoms were personality traits and behavioural issues so he never researched further, assuming he already knew it all. Once he actually googled it he realised how wrong he was, ate some humble pie, and came over.
2 - He was standing side on to my son when he spoke, and was looking away from him towards our other neighbours, so he didn't see my son getting upset. His son, however, most definitely did, and when he told his dad that my 12 year old was practically in tears over what his dad was saying, he was mortified. He genuinely hadn't realised that his "difference of opinion" could hurt someone, and he asked to speak to my son to apologise to him as well. I've mentioned it in a few other comments, but the neighbour is a genuinely nice guy in general, his comments were born of ignorance, not malice.
He's outside chatting with the other neighbours now (it's a daily thing) and has already told them that he was in the wrong, admitted he's been making comments like that for years, and defended me to them for telling him off. It seems to have all died down now, though I do still want to speak to my son about how he's feeling, he just doesn't want to talk about it at the moment so I'm giving him space. I think he'll be fine, though I do accept that I was the asshole for not taking his wishes into consideration. I know I was defending him, but I still spoke over him without regard for how it would make him feel, I let my temper get the better of me, and whilst I do think I was justified, I definitely want to own the harm I did or could have done to him. | norajeans | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/m8vlas/wholesome_update_in_the_edits_ops_neighbor_learns/ | m8vlas | 6,611 | 335 | [
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2021-03-20T21:10:50 | OP: "my roommate is sent by God to test me" | r/badroommates | *repost, original [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/badroommates/comments/jf0rh8/i_feel_like_like_my_roommate_is_sent_by_god_to/) by u/zlupusc*
 
And I’m not even religious.
First of all, I want to thank this community. I read many posts posted by your guys and it made me feel a lot better. I can see that there are even worst roommates out there, but mine is a special kind of hell.
Location: campus housing, 2 bedroom suite. Moved in at the beginning of September.
People: Assigned by campus housing. Roommate (f18-21), myself (f21).
The reason why I don’t know her age is because when we first met I tried to say hi and introduce myself, she just looked at me and turn away then went straight to her room. So I get the feeling that she is either extremely introvert or just don’t give a fuck. So I didn’t bother to communicate with her further.
Why I think/feel she is a terrible roommate/person:
• the main issue: sudden outburst high pitch singing. Like opera singing. It’s so loud to the point that I can still hear her with my earmuff on, not earphone, and with the door shut.
• she actually left some of her period blood on the shower curtain. I don’t know if it was done purposefully or by accident. But I used soap to wash it off. Why I bother? Because the campus housing will charge both of us if anything is either damaged or dirty in the suite upon moving out.
• her home cooked meal has an extreme smell if you know what I mean. lots of spices that leave a smell that last for very long time.
• never bother to wipe down neither the counter tops or the oven top.
• don’t wash hands. The wall is thin enough that I barely hear her washing her hands whenever she comes back from the outside. Considering the current pandemic, I’m freakin’ speechless.
• slam her door so loudly every time that I feel like my heart has skipped a beat.
Thanks for reading this. I guess this post is not about asking for advice, it’s more of a rant/temporary therapeutic purpose. Unless you guys have any. I feel like going to housing to file a complain right now is too extreme, but with talking to her, I don’t know, I feel I might snap and the whole thing can go bad very quickly. Fuck my Life.
 
[**UPDATE**](https://www.reddit.com/r/badroommates/comments/jk01g9/update_what_i_learnt_from_actually_confronting/)
I posted about my current college roommate weeks ago regarding her extremely loud singing. I confronted her today with regards to her singing and some other issues like slamming her door, what I learnt from our talk truly surprised me.
As I was bringing up the issues that are bothering me, I noticed that she didn’t even realize that these things she does are bothering me.
I’m an introvert, but I can be an extrovert if I need to be like finally having this awkward talk with her. So I tend to avoid confrontation to the best of my ability and usually resort to other ways of communicating my feelings.
I was being passive aggressive about it for the past month like raising the volume from my end, but she didn’t even notice my passive aggressiveness (she has headphones on playing loud music). Wow. I guess the lesson here is just have the talk and get it over with. | bestupdator | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/m9gbl7/op_my_roommate_is_sent_by_god_to_test_me/ | m9gbl7 | 3,216 | 280 | [
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2021-03-21T00:30:32 | OP's - AITA for not wanting to give any money to my pregnant ex? | IAmA | **THIS IS A REPOST, NOT ORIGINAL POSTING.**
[**Original post**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/lursho/aita_for_not_wanting_to_give_any_money_to_my/) by [u/exandmoney](https://www.reddit.com/user/exandmoney/)
My ex (25f)and I (27M) were together about 6 months but during that time we were free to see other people.
Things weren’t working out so we broke up. Over a month after that she finds out she’s pregnant and tells me baby is mine. But I already knew she was seeing other guys so it was also possible the baby isn’t.
She got mad that I was having doubts but I said if we got a paternity test and it showed I’m the dad then yeah I’ll 100% be involved.
My Ex didn’t want that and she’d rather wait until after the baby is born to get a test done so I said that’s fine, it’s her choice. But I won’t get myself involved unless I know the baby is mine.
Like I already know I could be set up for child support if I start helping out now and then later it’s revealed I’m not the father. (I live in the US and have heard this stuff happens a lot)
I’d rather not even risk it you know?
She’s about 8 months now and I have started saving up money, reading up some books, making shopping cart lists of baby clothes and furniture to buy incase I am the father so it’s not like I’m not preparing for this at all.
So right now money is tight with her since I know she’s only working part time. She doesn’t have the money for a baby bassinet or clothes because she practically lives paycheck to paycheck.
She started asking to let her borrow money for baby stuff but I’ve told her no. Far as I know she doesn’t have other family she’s close to and friends are the same as her with money.
But I already said I’ll start giving her money and helping out once I know her son is mine. Otherwise I’d rather not get involved. I’ve even told her to reach out to the other guys who could also be the dad’s but she said one is even more broke and the other she hasn’t been able to contact.
So for right now seems like I’m the only one actually able to offer financial support.
We have a couple mutual friends and I’m getting shit from them because they know I have the money to help out. She could be the mom of my kid so the least I could do is provide.
They say they would if they had the money, since I do have the means and this baby could be mine I should already be helping.
They have a point. The baby could be mine and I’ll be happy to help out...once I know he is in fact mine. But everyone else is seeing it as I’m being too cold and inconsiderate.
I don’t think I am but want to know what others believe. AITA?
[**UPDATE**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/m9e16d/update_aita_for_not_wanting_to_give_any_money_to/)
Hasn’t been that long but thought I should update since many of you wanted to know. Following what a few here suggested I tried talking to my ex again about getting the prenatal paternity test done right now since she kept pressing me about giving her money.
I said if her situation is that bad then let’s have this test done already so if the baby is mine I can start helping *now.*
Because if we waited until after birth she was going to have to wait for my support until the results came in. Plus if she still refused a paternity test then, it would be more waiting around to get a court ordered test.
Meaning no help from me at all for a while even after the baby is already here. So yeah she agreed to it in the end.
He’s not mine. I just got the results day before yesterday. My ex didn’t really have much to say. She only txted “fine then I wont bother you anymore.”
I told her I was sorry and wished her luck. Also told her about what u guys commented about Facebook posts selling or giving away used baby stuff, plus the WIC program that could help her out since she’s low income. But she didn’t respond after that and haven’t heard from her since so I don’t know if she’ll look into those.
Not gonna lie I’m a little disappointed. I know I was having my doubts about this baby being mine and was keeping my distance. But like I said, I was mentally and physically preparing incase he was so that I could be there as a father. Still feel that loss but at least now I know for sure.
I appreciate everyone who commented and thanks for the info and advice. | RabbitsAmongUs | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/m9k5oq/ops_aita_for_not_wanting_to_give_any_money_to_my/ | m9k5oq | 4,332 | 169 | [
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2021-03-21T00:39:35 | OP's boyfriend is a virgin and OP's scared he's not going to like her past. | Relationship_Advice | **THIS IS A REPOST, NOT ORIGINAL.**
[**Original Post**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/m7adiz/my_23f_boyfriend_24m_is_an_angel_and_a_virgin_and/) by [u/AdviceHelp24](https://www.reddit.com/user/AdviceHelp24/)
Really looking for some advice here, ok let me just start by saying that my life has not been the best, when I was 12 my mom passed away at 35 and my dad 38 was destroyed, it took him some years to recover but he managed while I was a just a self destruct train with no brakes, since my dad was having his problems he could not do much for me and left me with my grandparents (my moms parents since my dads parents already passed) and I made their life a living hell. I would break stuff, steal money from them, fight in school with students and teachers and once i even punch a teacher for saying "what would your mother think if she saw you like this?", they had a lot of patience and try to make me go to therapy and even invited me to a little church group they had for kids but i never went to either, they left me at the office of the therapist and i would just act like i was going in and left and in church I just refused. As i was getting older my problems became worst and worst, when i was 16 my dad was able to take care of me again and i came back with him i became even worst, i just felt abandoned by everyone and started dating a bunch of AH and had sex like crazy with random people and it escalated to the point of doing it for HW, alcohol and finally drugs. Finally at 19 i got involved with a dangerous guy and i almost got raped in a friends house, nothing happened because it was a party and someone heard me scream but the fear i felt that day was a wake-up call, i went home ran into my dad and hug him like i hadn't in years, he didn't ask me what happen and just help me recover, this is a lot of context so in short after that i decided to change for the better, stop with the hookups, stop with the AH, the alcohol, the drugs and even started to take my education more seriously
Fast forward to the present, i started dating this wonderful guy who is like... too perfect to be true, i met him a before covid thanks to my grandparents, remember that group they had? well he was in it.
One day they invited me to eat at the group and i met him there, we immediately hit it up and we became a couple after a month, i must admit it was rushed but we just did not have any doubts that we like each other, then COVID started and we decided to live together and even tho i thought it would be a deal-breaker it was the opposite, he is just the best. When we wake up he hugs me and tells me he loves me, he brings me flowers randomly, in my birthday he pay for covid test to all my friends so they could come and have a party and even bought me Mario kart 8 so we could play together (i love Mario kart)
The problem is... when i tried to be intimate with him he always stopped me, one day i got mad and ask him what was the problem, and he told me he was a virgin and never really had sex before, that even tho is cheesy he really wants to wait till he gets married, in his words "I love the idea of marring a woman and give her everything, my love, my life, my work, and my body". When he told me that i felt so ashamed... but also more in love, i think its cheesy but its so sweet and i love it but at the same time I'm afraid... if that is what he thinks what would he think of me? i haven't told him anything about my life other than my mom passing, also because i met him in church my dad force me to use clothes that were not really my style, and because i did not know what he would think if he saw me in my regular clothes i kept dressing like that (like sweaters and cute dresses, instead of my shorts and small tops) only when he told me that i realized that maybe i had lied to him from the start, i mean yes i hid those things but i did it more like a reflex... like you don't go to the first date and drop a bomb like that, but then i just never brought it up. After that the conversation was leading to "what do i think" but i just avoided and told him to just cuddle, its been days and the guilt and fear is killing me, i don't want to lose him he but i feel so bad in not telling him anything, he doesn't pry and hasn't ask me other than saying "you can tell me anything, you know that right?" which really doesn't help my guilt. can someone tell me what to do? ¿should i not say anything? ¿should i do it?
[**UPDATE**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/m9awvk/update_my_23f_boyfriend_24m_is_an_angel_and_a/)
First i would like to thank everyone who helped me with advice on the original post, it gave me the strength to finally be honest and open myself to my BF on many topics.
Now to the update, after i posted this and saw that the majority of people say to just do it, i ended up telling him that we needed to talk on a message, when he got home he brought me pizza and some flowers because he thought i was angry at him that made me cry a little and i hug him and did not let him go, i was saying on my head "this is probably the last time im hugging him"
After i stop crying we sat down and i started explaining to him that i was not a virgin, i was planning to leave it at that but i told him "please let me explain everything and then say something" and when i told him that i felt so good that i just told him everything, i told him about my attitude towards my family after my mom died, how i needed therapy, how my dad left, how i rejected my grandparent that he loved and knew as a kid, how i got into alcohol and drugs at an early age and the way i dress before i met him (some people suggested to have some photos ready and i did). After i told him everything i feel like i removed a huge load on my back but now came the scary part, he was quiet for some time until he finally started talking and the conversation went like this
BF: wait... are you telling me this because of what i told you about being virgin and marriage?
me: oh... ummm yes... i felt guilty and ashamed that i was not a virgin and that i could not give that to you
after that he hugged me kiss me on the forehead
BF: OP! you dont have to worry about that, that is my way of thiking im not going to be mad you cant give me your virginity, if you cant then you cant i still love you! im so sorry i made you feel like that
when i heard that i return the hugged and just wanted to never let him go and just cry again, when i stop we started talking again and he told he didnt care about what past i had, also he kind of suspected i had "wild lifestyle" i didnt told him, because even tho he doesnt used social media, his sister helped him look for my accounts after he met me and even tho they were blocked you could still see my profile pic which was me with a beer, my shorts and my top. the suspicion increase when after some time i change it to the clothes i use now.
I kind of got greedy and started to tell him that i never used to dress like that and i just did it because i thought thats he would like, he told me i can dress anyway i wanted if it make me happy (yay!) but maybe not dress like that if we see his parents to avoid problems (fair).
After that i wanted to talk him about sex but he stoped me that before i say anything more he had to show me something that he has been hiding to me too out of fear that i would not approve, he brought a small box and suprise suprise! my old green friend w\*\*d was there (i dont know if i have to censor it but just in case) i started laughing so hard! like this little angel aint as a innocent as i though, it was also suprising since his parents hate weed.
BF: please dont say anything to anyone, my parents would kill me
me: OF COURSE NOT! who else knows?
BF: my church group and some other friends, some in the group take it too
what is this church?! they never thought me church like that! if they did i would have been happy to go! since i stop with the drugs a long time ago and really are no problem anymore i decided to take it with him and his friends when they go out, i didnt say it in my post clearly but i did unbanned some thinks that were bad from me after i got better like alcohol and now weed \[funny enough both because he invite me to take them, again why didnt people told me church was like that?\]
after that i finally talk to him about sex, some people suggested i made like a speech on what to tell him but honestly i was in the mood of just letting things out as they came so i just told him i wanted to have sex with him, that sex is a way of showing love and i wanted us to show love like that.
now that one was the hard part (no pun intended) he got embarrased at first and didnt know what to say, he says he understands what im saying but that is like one of the most important things for his life, i kind of back down after seeing him like that (like you already win the lottery better quit while im winning) and remember a redditor told me about "masturbating in front of him" which was honestly a bit too much too but i told him that
me: if we cant its fine... i can just masturbate to you in private
BF: you... you masturbate to me? well if its just masturbation maybe i can help?
i dont want to add more detail on this but in what we agreed and did was he "helped" me (after i teach him how to) and that escalated into me "helping" him really quick but still no sex but he has agreed on thinking about it (yay! again) .
And thats it folks, things went incredibly good and i could not be happier with how things turn out me My boyfriend and I are going to an **drive-in cinema** to watch kung fu panda so i decided to update before we went. Thank you so much for the push i needed to be honest with him Reddit | RabbitsAmongUs | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/m9kbjd/ops_boyfriend_is_a_virgin_and_ops_scared_hes_not/ | m9kbjd | 9,799 | 132 | [
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2021-03-21T10:10:36 | OP's husband is talking like a toddler. | AITA | [deleted] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/m9to5e/ops_husband_is_talking_like_a_toddler/ | m9to5e | 9 | 532 | [
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2021-03-21T14:18:27 | OP gifts the book they wrote to their Secret Santa | AITA | [deleted] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/m9xm1b/op_gifts_the_book_they_wrote_to_their_secret_santa/ | m9xm1b | 9 | 155 | [
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2021-03-21T16:00:42 | OP's Friend Decides to Become her Mum and then her Kidnapper... | EXTERNAL - Captain Awkward | *This is a repost.* [The original post](https://captainawkward.com/2019/06/10/1208-question-about-mom-friends-being-too-mothering/) *appeared on* *CaptainAwkward.com**, not on Reddit.*
Dear Captain,
I (she/her) have a friend, “Mary” who is, by her own admission, a “mom” friend. Mary is very kind– but emotionally overreaching. She feels responsible for making sure her friends are well cared for. Mary has even joked that if it weren’t for her, her friends would buy nothing but junk food and toys at the grocery store, instead of groceries. When we get together, Mary will insist on cooking, even when somebody else volunteers to cook instead. If one of us DOES cook, Mary will hover, or “help” by essentially taking over the cooking–adding ingredients and more or less pushing the other cook out of the kitchen. Mary will consistently cite any accident or mistake any of us have made as an excuse to swoop in. Then she will complain that she is always the one stuck with the cooking.
Mary also feels very much–if she thinks her friends are upset or potentially upset, she will become upset for them. (For example, I have been very stressed at work and with personal projects, and Mary started crying because I “am going to burn out” and that I am “such a perfectionist that you are going to hurt yourself!”) If I complain to Mary about anything, be it annoyance over traffic to a problem with a coworker, it becomes a “problem” and Mary is quick to give me unsolicited advice, get defensive for me or otherwise volunteer to help me solve this “problem.”
If she knows I am struggling with something, Mary will constantly bring it up (probably in an attempt to reinforce what she thinks is the “positive” message), or turn even a casual comment (“I wish could sleep for five years,”) into a big referendum or discussion on my mental health. If we have a difficult conversation or discussion, it will end with Mary crying, clutching me like I am some sort of child and even kissing the top of my head while I am just feeling frustrated. If I try to establish boundaries (“This isn’t a topic I am willing to discuss with you, let’s talk about something else”), my boundaries are immediately overridden. In fact, it seems as if my attempts to establish boundaries are interpreted by Mary as a further excuse to involve herself in me and my life!
I know that Mary is coming from a place of love and care. What reads to me as “manipulative” and “immature,” aren’t necessarily that–it’s just that it is to me! **(Ed. note: IT’S NOT JUST YOU)** I care very much about Mary but I am reaching the end of my rope. I understand this is part of the “mom” friend aspect, but Cap, I HATE being mothered. My own mother doesn’t even “mother” me. It has never worked on me, and will never work on me, no matter how many times Mary tries to become my surrogate mom. I’m trying hard not to become a hallmark-movie-style troubled teen and start yelling “You are not my real mom!” at her.
Sometimes, I just need to vent or talk about my issues without needing a “solution” or it turning into an “argument.” I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around Mary because even a casual joke (the kind that everyone in our generation and friend group makes!) becomes an emotionally exhausting exercise where I am left feeling emotionally infantilized and I start to resent Mary’s lack of maturity.
On top of this, Mary is attending therapy and seems to think herself the authority on all matters now–she declares herself an expert on conflict resolution but her form of “resolution” is to cry until she gets what she wants or can manipulate the narrative to seem like she was correct (in case it wasn’t obvious by now, Mary has an INTENSE martyrdom complex.)
I don’t want to lose Mary as a friend, and I can’t really get away from her for now. I don’t know how to explain to Mary that I don’t need a “mom” or a “mom friend,” and that her “mothering” is making it impossible to just be “friends.” How do you get a “mom friend” to stop “mothering” her friends?
I don’t know how to ask Mary to emotionally detach herself from me and my problems without making it seem like I am asking her to get out of my life. I also don’t know how I could possibly have these difficult conversations with Mary without it turning into an emotional meltdown on Mary’s part that she then projects onto me, as further evidence that I “need” her. Can you help me find a script to deal with Mary?
Thanks,
She’s not my mom (friend)
Optional P.S. Neither of us are parents, apologies if it was confusing!
[UPDATE](https://captainawkward.com/2019/06/10/1208-question-about-mom-friends-being-too-mothering/#comment-238540) **1** *(Link is external to Reddit)*
LW here!
I hope that it is okay for me to pop on in the comments section?
First of all, thank everyone (Captain and crew!) for the wonderful advice and encouragement! I am going to try all of this advice and see if it works out … I realize I’ve put myself in situations where she CAN manipulate me, so I really appreciate the Wake Up Call! The clarity and relief of other people who aren’t tangled in Mary’s weird parental web saying “this isn’t right” was like cold clear water in a desert.
Secondly, I HAVE tried ignoring her tantrums. I’ve removed myself from the room, etc and Mary has sat outside the door to the room I am in and LOUDLY CRIED for two+ hours before stopping, only to send me a text message that she had left a cup of tea and a bottle of water out for me and rewriting the whole narrative to be “\[LW\] was so upset and contrite that she locked herself in her room for hours and I, the Good And Loving Mary, tried to break through to her as best as I could!” which….yeah. I can ignore her tantrums until the cows come home and Mary will still make it all about her. I’m not sure how (or even if I should?) reclaim the tantrums to be about the issue and not Mary’s reaction to the issue. If anyone has some advice for dealing with this? Or will ignoring for long enough work? Should I push back on her rewriting reality or just leave it be and let her cry herself exhausted? I didn’t mention it in my original letter but everyone seems to have great advice soooo…
I am super fortunate that most of my friends have my back in dealing with Mary, but they’ve been very hesitant to do/say anything about her (aside from trying (and failing) to cheerfully reshift the conversation away and being railroaded by Mary)…I think I will try asking them to take a more proactive role as well as the other wonderful advice I’ve gotten and see if that does any good.
Perhaps most horrifying of all is that Mary is the most vocal about wanting children, wanting to become a mother and making plans for it which \*shudder\* Maybe she’ll grow up before then…?
Thank you all again!
[UPDATE 2](https://captainawkward.com/2019/06/10/1208-question-about-mom-friends-being-too-mothering/#comment-238617) *(Link is external to Reddit)*
I feel bad for continually popping in, I am so so sorry for continually alarming people!
Nothing like the horrified reactions of other people to make you realize how utterly insane the behaviour you have become accustom to is…Turns out you can become used to being held hostage by crying at least once a month and not think anything of it….
Mary is my housemate but sadly I cannot move out. The house is literally mine (my grandmother gave it to me in her Will when she passed, and I have been very fortunate to have a home that I could share with my friends) or else I would’ve moved out already. I had offered to let her stay with me to help her get away from a very bad situation. She and I had been friends for 8+ years prior, and while she had always been a Feels Too Much sort of friend, this controlling, manipulative behaviour is super new. She went from the “good mom friend” (always prepared with otc medicine and granola bar) to the “bad mom friend” once we were living together.
Of course, none of this is to justify anything, but rather clarifying. I had hoped I could avoid the Going Nuclear option and just figure out a way to live with her until she moves out (which she says will happen this summer)…But I might have to press that button sooner.
Thanks again, to everyone who commented and shared their stories. My heart breaks for everyone whose actual mother is like This. I hope you are all safe, loved, wrapped in a warm blanket with firm boundaries.
I am asking Mary to give me a move out date and I am going to hold her to it. Wish me luck!
[UPDATE 3](https://captainawkward.com/2020/11/15/update-for-1208-question-about-mom-friends-being-too-mothering/) *(Link is external to Reddit)*
Hi Cap,
I wanted to offer an update on the whole Mary saga at long last. Obviously, things really didn’t go according to plan but, at long last, my house is Mary free!
I said it before, but I want to say it again: I am so grateful for the help and advice offered by your blog and the readers. Thank you so very much.
The long and short of it is, I ended up having to enact the safety plans I had made on you and your readers advice. After I was finally recovered from my fall and broken leg, I finally, \*finally\* convinced her to move out again. I really, really didn’t want to have to take her to court so it was a lot of catering to Mary’s hysterics and gray rocking her until she finally gave up. I would set a date for her to get out and then another crisis would happen and she would go crying to our social group about how horrible it was that I was kicking her out when \[her great, great, grand-uncle twice removed died\] / \[she started maybe looking at applications for going back to school\] / \[whatever else\] and I kept rolling over and letting her stay another month, and then another, and then…Well, it took far longer than it should have, but she was going to move out at the end of March. We had packed up her things.
Then, the pandemic hit. And Mary decided to go up to the epicenter (at the time) of the pandemic for a “”vacation”” that apparently involved a whole lot of really risky behavior during a global pandemic. While she was gone, our state imposed a moratorium on all eviction actions, and she decided that meant she did not have to leave after all.
I had to get out of my own house for my safety at that point. Luckily, I had a plan already in place, so it was done in the course of an afternoon and Mary came back to a clean, empty house. I told her she needed to follow through on her move out plans and she agreed, but said that the pandemic meant she couldn’t move out just yet…
Six months later, she, at last, moved out. After living without Mary, it was like a breath of fresh air and I relished my Mary-less life, even if I was living on a pull-out mattress. Then, I went over to my house to move back in and found out that Mary had completely trashed it.
Over the course of six months, she had managed to destroy every single piece of carpet, scuff, and scratch, and dent the walls, and there were piles and piles and piles of trash, rotting food, and animal feces (yes, really!) on nearly every surface. She tried to blame me for it, saying the house was a mess when I left it (it wasn’t) and tried to gaslight me and everyone else involved—but it didn’t work this time, since there were more witnesses than she could gaslight.
I’ve joked that it turns out when I used to feel as if I was the only person doing any cleaning in the house, I was correct. It took a month of going over almost every day and cleaning just to make the house \*livable\* again. She did nearly $10,000 worth of damage to my property, and that is with a considerable amount of DIY repair. It was genuinely horrifying, I think Mary is very sick.
But, finally, I am back in my own home again. Roommate-free and I couldn’t be happier. I’ve finally stopped flinching every time I do something that used to set off Mary’s hysterics. Mary has been blocked on every platform she could reach out to me on, my locks have been changed, and I’m fortunate enough to have a strong group of friends who have pushed back on any of Mary’s attempts to get around those blocks. Once I told my social group a little bit more about what had been going on and they suddenly realized all the lies that Mary had been feeding them, they were all horrified. I was scared to tell a lot of them, but I had enough evidence that Mary’s lies crumbled so quickly.
I’ve been in therapy to deal with both my own issues and with the residual trauma of living with Mary. You and your readers were so correct about how dangerous Mary was, and I am so, so glad that you were able to help me see that.
I felt it was time to write an update. I know it’s been a long time, and it probably took far too long to get here, but I am so glad I am here at last. It feels really good.
Thank you so much again! | Gribble_Gribble | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/m9zo3k/ops_friend_decides_to_become_her_mum_and_then_her/ | m9zo3k | 12,868 | 370 | [
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2021-03-22T04:10:40 | AITA for not allowing my sister near my bearded dragon after doing a Tik Tok trend with him? | AITA | [Original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/lxuiub/aita_for_not_allowing_my_sister_near_my_bearded/):
Throwaway cause I don't want this linked to my account and I am on mobile so formatting might be weird
I(18F) have a bearded dragon named Phil who I have had for about 1 year now. Phil is deeply loved by me and my family. My sister(15F) who I will call Jane, really likes to make TikToks of Phil which I have completely no problem with since they're normally just videos of Phil running around or doing something silly like opening his mouth when he basks.
Yesterday my sister came up to me to show me a Tik Tok she had made of Phil. There is a trend on Tiktok of putting butter on dogs as some audio plays over it of this guy saying "butter dog". Well Jane showed me a video of her putting some soft butter on Phil so that she could follow the trend. When I saw that I became very upset. I had seen a video recently of someone explaining how doing this trend with bearded dragons can be dangerous cause the butter will stick to their skin and if they get put back under their basking light the butter will heat up and basically burn the bearded dragons skin. I told Jane to delete the video and that she can't do stuff like that with Phil and quickly got him out from under his basking light that she had put him back under after the video and started to bathe him in the tub to try and get off any of the butter she didn't wipe off.
My sister came and told me I was overreacting and that it's just a fun trend. It snapped at her and told her I'm not letting her near Phil until she apologizes to me and promises to not do trends like these with Phil again, and ask me everytime she wants to make a video with Phil. My sister got angry and told me she wasn't apologizing for just wanting to have fun with Phil and that I can't take Phil away from her. After I finished making sure all the butter was off I put him back in his tank that's in my room and told her she's not allowed to come in and take Phil.
My parents found out this morning and told me I was out of line for what I did and that it was just a innocent video. They told me I need to stop freaking out so much over things that involve Phil. My sister said she's not apologizing cause she didn't know it would hurt Phil so I should get over it and let her see Phil again.
I feel like I can't trust her with Phil though, if she hadn't shown me the video Phil would've sat in his tank getting burned under his basking light and I wouldn't even know until it was too late.
I think I might be the asshole cause I could be overreacting like my family say I am and for yelling at her when she didn't know that doing the trend would hurt Phil.
So reddit, am I the asshole here?
Edit: thank you for the awards! I will be trying my best to reply to everyone but just know I've been reading everyones comments and I appreciate all the advice I have been getting
Edit 2: wow! Didn't expect all this attention, people have. Been asking for a pic of Phil though so here! [Phil the beardie](http://imgur.com/gallery/hFcxgWJ)
Edit 3/mini update: I'm just gonna answer a question I've been getting a lot, yes, I did tell her and my parents why it was dangerous to put butter on his head. I'm gonna sit them down sometime today or tommorow and try to explain to them today with evidence to show them why what my sister did wasn't just a fun trend but could've hurt or killed Phil. I also ordered a lock for his tank. Thank you everyone for the awards and support, I'm gonna be sitting down and reading all the new comments once I finish my online work
​
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/m9ustr/update_aita_for_not_allowing_my_sister_near_my/), 17 days later:
Hello! So sorry I haven't been on in awhile, things have been very busy for me, but I'm here with a update.
So after my last post and getting all your feedback, I had ordered a lock for Phil's tank and put it on once I got it so that my sister couldn't just get him. I waited a bit to see if my sister would apologise but she didn't. So I sat down both my parents and sister to go over again why I wasn't allowing her to see Phil and how what she did was not okay. I had made a slideshow and everything about how putting butter on bearded dragons was in fact not a harmless trend. I told her that I wasn't mad at her for doing it since she didn't know but I was upset over how she reacted. It took a lot of explaining and I even used some advice you guys gave me on how to best explain it, and after a lot of talking and a bit of arguing it seemed they finally all got it. My sister got upset and apologised to me for how she reacted and seemed geniunely upset after she realized what she did to Phil. My parents also apologised for not taking my side and scolding me for what rules I set in place.
The lock is still staying on the tank just in case, but my sister is now allowed to see him and play with him of she asks me, and she's not allowed to make anymore videos of Phil without me being there to watch. She seems a bit irritated about the rules but she follows the rules.
I also got her to take down the video off of Tik Tok and she ended up making a video on how what she did was stupid and that to not do what she did which I'm very pleased with. She has gone back to making her harmless videos of Phil just running and playing and all is going well now.
I also want to thank reddit again for the advice and reassurance that what I was doing wasn't wrong since I honestly was pretty lost at that time.
Phil is also doing well and he appreciates all the compliments of the picture I posted, he knows he's a handsome boy so he's happy to have gotten the appreciation he deserves :)
Edit: people were asking for more photos so here! [photos of Phil](http://imgur.com/gallery/AuEFBFY)
​
Another wholesome one. :) Frustrating that she had to go to so much effort to get them to understand why what Jane did was so dangerous, but once they got it everyone apologised and Jane even made a public mea culpa so other people would know too! | hexebear | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/maekkg/aita_for_not_allowing_my_sister_near_my_bearded/ | maekkg | 6,212 | 370 | [
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2021-03-23T01:49:53 | I [M23] fucked up and told my gf [F21] of eighteen months that she does the least out of all my exes + UPDATE | null | This post is from 6 years ago, but the OP got what he deserved in my opinion.
[ORIGINAL](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2qb2p3/i_m23_fucked_up_and_told_my_gf_f21_of_eighteen/) by u/throwaway76584930
Throwaway because my gf is an active redditor.
So a little background information. I've been with my gf for a year and a half. She's my longest relationship and I'm very much in love with her. She's beautiful, funny, smart, and somedays I can't believe I ended up being so lucky. I have had four relationships in the past, none of them lasting even a year. She had a friends with benefits relationship in the past, so I'm her first real relationship, and at times it feels like she's my first real relationship as well. We go to the same school and we're living together as well, which is a big first for the both of us.
It all started when we were snuggling in bed after a long day. I asked her, "Do I do more for you than he did?" (he meaning her ex). She replies, "Of course" and kisses me. She then asks me the same question and I idiotically reply, "Well other than my fling you do the least for me." She instantly stops cuddling and looks at me with a WTF face like I was joking. Honestly I should've said I was joking at that point but I didn't. She then asks what the hell I'm talking about.
We argue for a long time and it basically culminates in me asking her what she has done for me. She says she can't think of things on the spot because she doesn't keep track and does nice things for me because she wants to. After thinking about it for a few minutes she mentions how she pays for over half our meals and always offers to help with rent when I'm short. I tell her that's nice but ask her when has she gone out of her way to do things for me. She then says she bought me food and a box of Red Bull for me while I was studying. I tell her that the place where she bought the food is five minutes away from where we live, and she was going to Target anyways so buying Red Bull is not out of the way for her. I then remind her when she had food poisoning I drove twenty minutes out of the way to get food for her.
My gf at this point became livid and told me that I don't appreciate her and just because she doesn't make a big deal out of what she does for me, doesn't mean she doesn't do them. She asks me angrily why I'm even with her if she does the least for me, to which I reply because I love you and I don't feel this way about anybody else. She rolls her eyes and tells me I should just be with my exes because she's trying her hardest right now with her crazy schedule. I try to apologize to her but she isn't listening and goes to sleep. In the morning we wake up and I try giving her a hug, which she resists. I go shower and she gets up and leaves without even speaking to me. Usually she's back to normal after sleeping and is more willing to talk about what happened. This is the first time I've seen her still pissed off in the morning and I don't know what to do. I've tried texting her but she's ignoring all my texts. I just want to fix this but I'm not sure how.
tldr: told my gf she does the least for me out of my exes, she blows up and isn't speaking to me. What do I do???
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2qdlmw/update_i_m23_fucked_up_and_told_my_gf_f21_of/):
I didn't expect my post to get the attention it did. Thank you to everyone who commented and called me an asshole/dick/etc etc.
So I got what I deserved which should make everyone happy. My gf finally came home last night after ignoring me the entire day. I asked her if she got my texts and calls and she said yes. She then started packing her bags and I asked her what she was doing. She said she booked a last minute bus back to where she was from and is going to spend the holidays there. She told me she really needs a break from me and time to think over our relationship. I did everything I could to try to convince her to stay but she wouldn't budge on her decision. She then broke the news that she wants to go no contact until she gets back from winter break so she won't be distracted, which devastated me. She blocked me from pretty much every form of communication to "make it easier". We have never not been in communication for even 24 hours. I asked her about the status of our relationship and she says she doesn't know and we'll talk about it when she gets back.
So I'll be spending the holidays alone this year in relationship limbo. Merry Christmas everyone.
tl;dr: Got what I deserved | red_earaches | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mb3pfi/i_m23_fucked_up_and_told_my_gf_f21_of_eighteen/ | mb3pfi | 4,556 | 375 | [
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2021-03-23T02:24:55 | AITA: OP's Future son-in-law wants bridal jewelry too! | AITA | *repost, original* [*post*](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/g5aahh/aita_for_not_giving_my_sons_future_husband/) *by* [u/Kind\_Vehicle](https://www.reddit.com/user/Kind_Vehicle/)
We are indian and in my culture it is tradition to give the bride a lot of gold sets of jewelry for her wedding. When each of my children were born, I bought a set for my both my daughters and a set for my son's future wife. I also have my own personal collection of wedding jewelry that I have divided for daughters and future daughter in law.
When my son came out as gay, I redistributed my collection to give them mainly to my daughters, but I kept a few sets in case my son ever had a daughter.
Now that my son is getting married, his future husband is wondering about his gifts. While it is tradition for parents to give their future son/daughter in law a gift, since he is a man I got him a kara (which is a sikh bracelet usually made of steel but I got him one made from solid gold, and my son has a matching one). He told my son that he doesn't want a religious gift for his wedding and that he found it tacky. That is fine if he doesn't like it. But I was going through my collection the other day to pull out pieces I want to coordinate for my outfits so that I can order my outfits in advance, and he saw me and wanted to see everything and give input. I also showed him the sets I have saved if they have a daughter. He is insisting that he gets these sets first and then he will give them to their daughter if they have one. In particular, there is a pair of emerald and diamond earrings I got from my own paternal grandmother that I would like to give my son's daughter (if they have one).
I told him no because I set these aside for just a granddaughter and not a son. If he chooses to wear jewelry to his wedding I really don't mind, but I picked all these sets special for a daughter or daughter in law and I don't want to waste them on a boy. These sets are to be worn with sarees and lenghas. I don't want him to have them
My future son in law is calling me homophobic for not sharing but I think it would be a waste to give them to a man to accessorize with a tuxedo, and I did not originally buy these for him in the first place. AITA?
(Also even though he likes jewelry he does not wear womens clothes so I know he would never wear it with a lengha the way this jewelry should be worn)
**EDIT**: Just to clarify, my son will be having a sikh wedding, and since he is religious my future son in law agreed beforehand that their household would be sikh and any future children would be sikh (son in law was raised catholic but isn't very religious now, but is spiritual. But being sikh means a lot to my son). Our religion (or at least the way we practice it) is very open minded, accepting, and loving so future son in law was on board. I got him a gold kara because that is the same gift I got for my other two son in laws. Also the kara does not have any religious text on it, if you aren't sikh you would assume its just a gold bracelet but anyone who is sikh would know it is
**SECOND EDIT** (have been reading the comments and need to clear things up): Future SIL is catholic and caucasian, his family is not as well off financially so we will also be helping pay for the wedding (just for the sake of equality because we also contributed x amount for each daughter's wedding, so we will give x amount to son's wedding). If I had a lesbian daughter, her wife would be getting gold sets of jewelry. It also wasn't my idea for their wedding to be sikh/children to be sikh. My son had a very difficult time after he finished his undergrad and he took that time to reconnect with god, pray, meditate, and his connection to sikhism is what anchored him and that is why before getting married he had to know if his spouse would be okay with that. Also when we say children being raised sikh, that means if they are a girl their middle name would be kaur and if they are a boy their middle name would be singh. ALSO, my son is a doctor and my SIL is a HS teacher so I don't think money is an issue.
**THIRD EDIT**: I've been reading all your comments and I really appreciate the discussion happening. But a lot of comments are hung up on the words "wasted on a boy". I understand why some people are offended, but I wanted to make sure you have the facts as well. [https://www.shaadisaga.com/blog/bridal-jewellery-inspiration-from-sikh-brides](https://www.shaadisaga.com/blog/bridal-jewellery-inspiration-from-sikh-brides) If you go to this site there are a lot of photos of sikh brides. Most of these wedding jewelry sets come together (headpiece, earrings, nose ring, choker/necklace). The choker/necklaces would not fit him, he does not wear nose rings, he would not be able to wear the headpiece, and he could just wear the earrings. Also the gold bracelets I have from my personal collection would not fit him so to give them to him symbolically would be a waste.
**UPDATE:** Hi Reddit!
Thank you so much for your responses, good or bad.But some of the things you replied to my post did upset me. Many of you applauded me for supporting my son, but mostly because you are so deprived of support from your own families that you were impressed that I was doing anything at all. I didn't like the way this sat with me. I don't want to be doing the bare minimum. Since my son and future son are staying with us right now, I decided to discuss some of the points you all made and work this out.
I showed him photos from my own wedding and we both agreed that the jewelry was *made* for female outfits and the female body. I also talked to him about the cultural significance of the kara, and what it means to me for him to have it, and he apologized and said he was out of line.
I think there was some tension because as many of you said, the word "homophobic" should not be carelessly thrown around. When my son first came out over 15 years ago, he interpreted my shock as disapproval and it created a barrier in our relationship. We put in a lot of time and effort in therapy as a family to make sure our son felt supported. So when my future son in law called me homophobic it made everything feel very hostile to me. But he explained that he was taking things personally mainly because his own family is outwardly accepting, but there are still little things they do that make him feel unwelcome which causes him to feel hypersensitive about these issues.
So we decided that a gay sikh wedding is NOT traditional, so the jewelry given should also NOT be traditional. We have decided to make a new tradition, and when everything is back to normal, we (me, my husband, son and future son) will be taking a trip to India so he can see my pind (hometown), and my husband's pind. And we will get a special set of gold bracelets that are more ornate than a kara for him and my son, and earrings made special just for him (heirlooms all start out as new to someone right?) | norajeans | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mb4cys/aita_ops_future_soninlaw_wants_bridal_jewelry_too/ | mb4cys | 7,001 | 661 | [
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2021-03-24T00:29:58 | TIFU by messing around and discovering a classmate is pregnant | null | *repost, original [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/lz55hp/tifu_by_messing_around_and_discovering_a/) by u/Huzzy_1999*
For context, I am a Med Student into my 2nd year of Med School.
Today we had a urine lab and for the vote of confidence, my professor decided it would be much appropriate for everyone to bring their own Urine. So everyone had their urine in front of them in the Container, and we were doing several tests (Making Slides, Microscope, Testing for glucose, RBC's etc.) so on the central table, So after doing all my tests and recording them in my journal, I thought it would be fun to mess around. There was a pack of pregnancy strips (I don't know why the HELL these things were there in the first place). So I thought literally nothing and picked up the strips and started reading the leaflet, in the mean time everyone was done and they saw me. I don't know why we all had the same idea and all 15 students picked up a strip and mindlessly dipped it in the urine container, as expected nearly all of them tested negative, all but one
I cannot describe the horror on that girl's face, Like it was really really horrified. She just without thinking took another strip and tested again, Still positive.
She ran out of the lab rather VERY visibly upset. Me and the other classmates were really awkwardly staring at each other and trying to understand what happened in this turn of events.
TL;DR Had a Routine Urine lab in Med school, Started messing around after getting work done, everyone took a pregnancy test and one turned out positive
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/mbgq91/tifupdate_messing_around_and_discovering_a/)
I am soo sorry it took me so long and I am sure I am gonna get a lot of heat for making it late but better late then never
Basic understanding to the last post is that during a routine urine analysis lab after completing the labwork, I was messing around with pregnancy test strips and everyone also tested their own urine. Which made for an interesting turn of events and one classmate found out that she is pregnant.
Now coming to present day. Most of you asked I approach her and ask of she is okay and such. After very cautious observation and picking an appropriate time, I texted her and asked if she is alright or does she wanna talk about it? Because she had been coming to Uni but kinda distant and honestly none of us knew how to react. Whether to congratulate or to comfort. A few girls approached her and I didn't know what they discussed so I am only going to tell what I learnt.
She has decided to keep the baby and to my surprise (well to everyone's surprise actually) the father of the child wants to keep the family, so guess who's wedding I am going to attend in two month's time !!!!!
I am extremely happy for how the events turned out, I asked her what is she thinking once she has the baby? She said that she is going to see how things are or maybe she could take a gap year to take care of the baby and then come back, she is not certain but determined that she want to continue medicine and she has full support from her boyfriend on this
TL;DR I messed up by playing with pregnancy test strips in a urine analysis lab and everyone tested themselves and one classmate discovered she is pregnant. Now she has decided to keep the baby marry her boyfriend (the father of the child) and see how she can continue her studies | _LucyVanPelt | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mbt3zi/tifu_by_messing_around_and_discovering_a/ | mbt3zi | 3,438 | 376 | [
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2021-03-24T07:55:09 | I found out that my little brother has been two timing for over 2 months and I’m not sure how I should handle it | null | Posted by [u/ThrowRAmbtt20](https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRAmbtt20/)[3 days ago](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/m9p5cq/i_found_out_that_my_little_brother_has_been_two/) on r/relationships
TLDR-My brother has been hiding a whole other girlfriend for over two months. When I found out I confronted him about it and he said he’ll come clean. He claims that he told the side chick but it’s been two weeks and he still hasn’t told his girlfriend. I’m considering keeping his secret if he he really broke up with the other girl and promises to be faithful from now on. But I’m not still not sure what I should do now so any advice is appreciated.
Before I get into the details I just want to say that my brother isn’t a bad person. It may be hard to believe based on what I’m about to say but he’s a sweet kid at heart he’s just a confused immature 20 year old. Obviously there is no excuse for doing what he’s doing but our dad was terrible to him for so long and he set a terrible example by repeatedly cheating on our mom.
My brother started dating a girl called Maggie a few months ago and she’s such a sweet girl. Poor girl is really attached to him, she cooks for him a lot and cleans his place regularly. He always talks about how great she is and how he could see himself with her long term. So you can imagine my shock when I found out he has another girlfriend.
One day I was hanging out with my boyfriend and one of his friends. While we were talking my brother’s name came up in the conversation my boyfriend’s friend said that he knows my brother because he’s dating one of his bestfriends’s exes . So I said “oh your friend dated Maggie? I had no idea” he then looked so confused. He then asked me who’s Maggie and told me that my brother is dating a whole other girl called Beth, and he showed me that girl’s Instagram and she had a few of posts with my brother in which she called him her boyfriend. They’ve apparently been together for a couple of months now.
I was so shocked, honestly I’m still shocked. I never would have thought he’d do something like that. Especially given the way he treats Maggie. She herself often talks about how great of a boyfriend he is. He treats her really well probably from all the guilt.
So immediately after I found out what he’s been doing I confronted him about it. He broke down to tears and said that he doesn’t know what to do. He told me that he loves Maggie and that she’s the perfect girlfriend but that Beth makes him feel a way he never has before (whatever that means).
At first he was trying to get me not to say anything, but after hours of talking I finally convinced him ( or at least I thought I did) that he has to tell them the truth or else he’s no better than our dad. That was 2 weeks ago. He hasn’t told Maggie yet. He claims he came clean to the other girl though and that they broke up but I have no way of making sure. I keep pressuring him to tell Maggie but he keeps saying that he’ll do it next time he sees her or he’ll do it after her birthday or any other excuse to prolong the whole thing.
A part of me is leaning towards telling him I won’t tell Maggie if he really broke up with the other girl and promises me to stay faithful to Maggie from now on, mostly because I don’t want to see her hurt, but I don’t know if that’s the right thing to do. I could really use some advice on what I should do because I’m really torn and I’m not sure what’s the right thing to do here. All advice is appreciated, thanks in advance.
UPDATE:
Hey guys so since the last post I’ve had a long conversation with my brother. He definitely ended things with the other girl and he seems to be over the stupid shit he was doing.
He seems finally ready to commit to his girlfriend and stop fucking around. I can usually tell when he’s lying and I think he’s telling the truth. I’ve decided to take his word for it and keep his secret under the condition that he does right by Maggie. I also warned him that if I sense that he’s up to any kind of bullshit again that he won’t only lose a girlfriend he’ll also lose a sister.
I’m not really sure if I’m doing the right thing or not. But telling her would have only made her miserable because I know how much she’s attached to him. I’m hoping this whole thing will be a wake up call for him and that he’ll be a good man to her from now on.
Thanks for the advice everyone. I really appreciate it.
TLDR: I've decided to keep his secret since he promised he'll do better. He seems to regret doing what he was doing and seems to be ready to move on and be a better person and a better boyfriend to her. I warned him that if he does anything like that again he wont be just losing a girlfriend he will also be losing a sister. | haaskaalbaas | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mc0c86/i_found_out_that_my_little_brother_has_been_two/ | mc0c86 | 4,828 | 88 | [
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2021-03-24T08:05:47 | Good to see a bully getting her comeuppance | null | [removed] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mc0h54/good_to_see_a_bully_getting_her_comeuppance/ | mc0h54 | 9 | 0 | [
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2021-03-24T11:54:52 | OPs on the verge of leaving her husband. Needs some strong encouragement on how she can follow through. | Relationship_Advice | **THIS IS A REPOST.**
[**ORIGINAL**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/mc1ca4/update_im_on_the_verge_of_leaving_my_husband_i/) by [u/DegreeProfessional58](https://www.reddit.com/user/DegreeProfessional58/)
I’m on the verge of leaving my husband. I need some strong encouragement on how I can follow through.
I’ve been with my “husband” (common-law) for over 11 years and have 2 children. Valentine’s Day was my last straw, he didn’t do anything special for me. I gave him a lot of money and a hotel room. He knew I was looking forward to it, I even asked him to get me flowers. He didn’t. He makes me feel like I’m the crazy, angry one. He says I shouldn’t be upset over materialistic things (flowers) and I should be happy that he comes home from work everyday. To him, I’m asking too much to make me feel special. I’m going through therapy and I realized how I want to be treated in a relationship. I want to feel special. It hasn’t always been like this, he used to be sweet. We were in love. Felt like I was the one.
I realized now it’s not going to change. I suggested couples therapy, he won’t attend. Other few red flags; we don’t have an anniversary date, we don’t talk about actually getting married, he still talks to an ex despite if it makes me uncomfortable, and he disregards what I’m feeling and tells me how I should be feeling. I’m done. I’m throwing in the towel. Going through therapy has shed a lot of light on what I thought was a perfect relationship.
But when I told him, I don’t want to do this anymore, I get scared to be alone. I ended up apologizing for speaking out. I start thinking what am I gonna do for shelter when I live in a expensive city. What about my kids?
I’m so comfortable where I’m at and I’m afraid of going into the unknown. I know I’m not mentally happy. I just need some encouragement to not be scared to leave.
[**UPDATE**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/mc1ca4/update_im_on_the_verge_of_leaving_my_husband_i/)
I FINALLY STOOD UP FOR MYSELF! (Contains some abuse details)
It’s been a week now that I’ve separated from my husband. I realized in this whole relationship, I have always been afraid of him. Not like he’s gonna physically abuse me, he’s emotionally abusing me. It finally all made sense when I felt so scared to voice my opinion to him, so much red flags 🚩in our ENTIRE MARRIAGE! After reading the comments was what really got my mind realizing that people don’t put with up these things. When I look back years ago, my husband emotionally and sexually abused me and he denies it. I have more than a few memories of me saying “no” when it came to sex,he pursued his way or negotiate his way even when I kept saying “no” and not interested. And just let him! I shouldn’t have let him do that to me. At all!
I wish I left a lot sooner. I want to be kinder to myself.
As of now, I have 3 months to get a job and move out. I have so much to catch up with myself. I developed severe social anxiety while I was with my ex-husband. That’s the part I’m gonna have a little difficulty when it comes to making friends.
I’m really thankful to you, Reddit!! I feel like I can breathe! Thank you to the ones in the comment section, sending you virtual hugs!! 🤗 | RabbitsAmongUs | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mc3szw/ops_on_the_verge_of_leaving_her_husband_needs/ | mc3szw | 3,278 | 429 | [
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2021-03-25T16:00:02 | OP has an elderly dog-hating cat and Girlfriend wants a puppy. Cat tax included! | null | This is a repost. [Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ljhr28/aita_for_refusing_to_let_my_girlfriend_get_a_dog/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) by [u/Sparkys\_Human](https://www.reddit.com/user/Sparkys_Human/)
I (30F) have been with my girlfriend (31F) for three years now and we recently moved into a nice house in the country. As we are finally living somewhere with a decent size garden my girlfriend wants to get a dog. She has always wanted a dog, and I have said to her that we can get one one day, but not until my cat passes away.
My cat, Sparky, is 14 years old, is blind in one eye, and he hates dogs. I love this cat, he is my baby, as I would love any animal that my partner and I get together. But is it unreasonable to ask that he lives out his twilight years in peace, eating his favourite foods, curling up by the fire, hogging the bed and watching tennis, without getting a new puppy in the mix?
My girlfriend says that I am being unreasonable, that my cat and the new dog will be great friends, but I know Sparky, and he has always either been anxious or aggressive towards dogs. My friends and family say that if I love my girlfriend I should let her get the dog. I do love her, and I am not against her getting a dog, I am just asking her to wait a little bit until my cat passes away.
So, am I the asshole?
Edit:
I wasn't sure how to put the picture on here so I posted the link to him. [https://www.reddit.com/r/aww/comments/ljt6kl/my\_regal\_old\_man/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/aww/comments/ljt6kl/my_regal_old_man/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/mcygek/update_aita_for_refusing_to_let_my_girlfriend_get/)
After another argument with my GF about the dog situation we asked a friend of ours if we could look after her dog, a very placid, sleepy and uninterested bulldog, for a day while she was at work, so she could see for herself how Sparky would react. And let me say my GF now understands why I wanted to wait until Sparky had died before getting a dog.
Within the six hours that we had the dog, Sparky had tried to bite him on the leg, I pulled him away before he could even make contact with him and hauled Sparky's ass upstairs away from the dog after that moment. While Upstairs Sparky did nothing but yowl at us and revenge pee on the bed, before hiding on top of the wardrobe. While all this was happening my friend's dog just lay there on the floor of the lounge doing absolutely nothing.
Upon seeing what Sparky was willing to do to a dog that wouldn't even hurt a fly, my GF has now agreed that if she wants a dog then it has to be an outdoor dog (which she does not want) or to wait until the awful day that Sparky is no longer with us. Grumpus is very happy with that plan.
Grumpus (Sparky) is now going to spend his golden years lying in front of the fire, watching tennis and Blue Planet on tv, eating lots of treats and sitting on the landing windowsill, where he loves to watch the whole world go by, while casually growling at any dog he sees walk past the house. And he very happy with this plan.
I promise my friends dog was not hurt. I don't even think that he realised that my cat was planning on attacking him. And Sparky is as happy as a lamb again. No more revenge peeing. | Im_your_life | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/md1l62/op_has_an_elderly_doghating_cat_and_girlfriend/ | md1l62 | 3,422 | 417 | [
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2021-03-26T15:14:55 | AITA helps OP see that what her husband has been saying is true | AITA | This is a [repost](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/m9d030/aita_for_not_telling_my_old_therapist_i_wanted_to/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share). Originally posted in r/amitheasshole by u/AerwynnFlynn
AITA For not telling my old therapist i wanted to see someone new?
For back ground, my husband (34m) has been telling me (38f) for a year now that my therapist was making my anxiety worse. I would cry a lot saying I was a bad partner and wife, because she had me convinced that when my husband came home from work he should never have to lift a finger, and me asking him to do things like take the trash out was unreasonable since I stayed home and he worked. But my husband didn't agree, he said he didn't want a mommy, he wanted a partner, and he can do his part by taking some chores off my plate. I also have bipolar disorder and when I would go into depression i wouldn't be keeping up on the house as much as I should be, and she would say it isn't fair if he has to pick up the slack, because when he got home i should have everything perfect and I should be taking care of him completely. I was very conflicted, hence the anxiety.
He finally convinced me to take a break from her, and I stopped seeing her in December. By late February, I had stopped beating myself up for not being the "perfect housewife" and not anticipating his every need before he had them, but I had just started college and I was feeling super overwhelmed since I'm not good with online learning. The thought of talking to my therapist gave me level 10 anxiety, so I decided to take the school up on counseling services they provided. I did not tell my therapist I was doing this. I honestly couldn't face her yet. I saw this new person for a couple of sessions, and I really liked her.
Yesterday my (old)therapist office called to set up an appt. I told the receptionist that I decided to see someone else. I guess I was on speaker phone because my (old) therapist got on and spent 20 mins berating me. Saying I was unethical for seeing a new person without consulting her first, that I just wanted someone to say "poor Aerwyn" and that I didn't want to get better. That now she knew how my husband feels when I shut down, cause I did the same to her, that I was rude, and that I just didn't like how she told me the harsh truths.Then she said she would be talking to my psych (same office) and he might drop me because of my behavior.
AITA for not telling her beforehand that I was thinking about seeing someone else? I waited only because I was so anxious at the thought of talking to her, maybe I should have just sucked it up and said something. I've been upset ever since her phone call thinking I am, even though my husband says I'm not.
EDIT: I went to bed and this blew up! I am trying to respond to everyone but it's overwhelming! Honestly this has helped a lot, and I realize even more how bad of a therapist she is. I am going to discuss this with my new therapist and we are going to decide where to go from there. I'll update after I've talked with her.
Thank you everyone for the kind words and the awards!
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/mdlv8m/update_aita_for_not_telling_my_therapist_i_wanted/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf): AITA For not telling my therapist I wanted to see someone new?
First off my husband would like to say in his best Capt. Holt voice "VINDICATION!!" and I would like to say thank you for the out pouring of support. It really gave me a lot to think about.
On to the update: On Monday I consulted my Primary doctor and he said he was fine prescribing me my meds if my psych did drop me because of what Old Therapist said. So I had a call with my psych where I asked him straight out if he was dropping me because I wasn't seeing her anymore. Guys, he was shocked. She hadn't told him anything. So I gave him a quick rundown and he was *pissed*. Said he has no idea why she would ever say to me that he would drop me, and that me seeing her or not had nothing to do with me and him. He doesn't care who my therapist is, so long as they are helping me. So, luckily that worked itself out. And if I do decide to leave that practice at least I know I have a backup plan. Something tells me that she didn't expect me to actually say anything to him, and was counting on me not rocking the boat as it were.
I saw my New Therapist today and told her what happened and she is very angry. She said a lot of the same things you guys were saying, that Old Therapist was using things I have said in therapy as manipulation, and that saying all that stuff with other people around is a major HIPPA violation, and that Old Therapist was the unethical one not me. She and I are working through my guilt/trauma feelings, and we are working towards me being comfortable reporting her. I took what you guys said to heart, and I would feel awful if she did this to someone and they didn't have the support system I had and they hurt themselves over it, I just need a little bit of time to process some of the old feelings this has brought up for me.
Thank you guys again. It really helped me stay grounded and kept me from going over the ledge as it were.
Edit: thanks for the awards!
I think this is the link to the original (for real this time lol) https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/m9d030/aita_for_not_telling_my_old_therapist_i_wanted_to/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share | internetrabbithole | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mdquab/aita_helps_op_see_that_what_her_husband_has_been/ | mdquab | 5,504 | 433 | [
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2021-03-26T21:06:43 | "I called Child Services on my cousin and I feel terrible" | null | [deleted] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mdyh1e/i_called_child_services_on_my_cousin_and_i_feel/ | mdyh1e | 9 | 1 | [
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2021-03-27T19:35:27 | OP connects with a great guy on Tinder, but is not attracted to him | r/relationships | *repost, original [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/lw56xp/i_26f_connected_with_a_great_guy_31m_but_im_not/)*
 
**I (26f) connected with a great guy (31m), but I'm not attracted to him and I don't know what to do**
Last week I matched with a guy on Tinder. We really hit it off and the conversation just flowed from the beginning. We spent the week texting, getting to know each other. It's rare for me to feel a connection like that and to feel comfortable with someone off the bat. We were both very honest about what we're looking for and we seemed to be on the same page - I was really starting to think I might date this guy, possibly seriously (again, this is not such a common thing for me as I don't have a ton of experience).
We had a Zoom date last night after making plans to meet this weekend. Initially based on his photos I wasn't sure he was totally my "type" but I figured if the connection was there it wouldn't matter as much. Plus there are other things that contribute to attraction like voice, body language, demeanor, etc.
As soon as our Zoom started I noticed that he looks pretty different from his photos (I feel so bad for saying this, but he has clearly gained a lot of weight since they were taken). I just...didn't find him attractive. The other aspects mentioned also weren't really present. We did have a fun, interesting conversation though.
Before the Zoom we both talked a bit about feeling anxious about meeting for the first time. He was clearly insecure - he talked about feeling bad about his appearance, not being as healthy for the past year (understandable of course) and made "jokes" about me ghosting him. During the Zoom he said something like, "If you block me after this, I'll know why" and hinted that I might want to cancel our in-person meeting.
I do still want to meet with him, but I'm now a lot less interested in having a romantic relationship. I feel terrible because he seems to somewhat expect this and he clearly struggles with his self esteem (I do too!). The thing is I also really like him and think we get on well. We're both in school and have spent a lot of time talking about our classes, common struggles with procrastination, and motivating each other. I would really like to be friends, but I feel like if I suggest that it will be clear I don't find him attractive and he will feel hurt or insulted. Like I said, I don't have a lot of experience. How should I handle this?
TL:DR - connected with a great guy but after having a Zoom date I realized I'm not attracted to him. I would like to be platonic friends but unsure how to suggest this without being hurtful.
 
[**UPDATE**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/lzwhgc/update_i_26f_connected_with_a_great_guy_31m_but/)
My original post didn’t get a lot of attention (grateful to everyone who responded!) but I thought I’d update anyway, since it’s a happy ending. A couple days after our Zoom, he messaged me saying he got the sense I was less interested since then (we had continued texting but maybe I gave off a different vibe, I don’t know) and that it was okay if that was the case.
I replied honestly that I hadn’t really planned to date when we unexpectedly hit it off, that I enjoy talking and think he’s great, but I do feel more of a friend vibe than a romantic one. To my relief, he agreed with me and we decided to just be friends, since we do connect really well and have stuff in common.
We met in person this morning and it was really nice! We had a great time chatting and there was just a sense of comfort and ease. I’m very happy to have made a new friend.
TL:DR – connected with a guy on a dating app, felt bad because I wasn’t romantically attracted to him after a Zoom date. We mutually agreed to just be friends and had a great time hanging out. Edit: wow, this got a way bigger response than I thought it would. Thanks for all the comments, I appreciate them. Except for the one guy who PM’d me to tell me I’m a shallow whore; I didn’t appreciate that. | bestupdator | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mekvze/op_connects_with_a_great_guy_on_tinder_but_is_not/ | mekvze | 4,068 | 427 | [
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2021-03-28T18:54:40 | Entitled Grandparents are hit with the consequences of their actions | AITA | *repost, original* [*post*](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ci22ko/wibta_if_i_didnt_give_up_my_honey_moon_villa_to/) *by* [u/alohaboba](https://www.reddit.com/user/alohaboba/)
My family is Asian, my husbands side is white.
My husband and I got married and are treating his side of the family, and my side to a 1 week all expense paid vacation to bora bora as a pre family honeymoon before going off on our “real” one. We were able to rent out half a side of the bungalows and only one villa was in that section. My husband and I took the villa.
The bungalows are a 1000 sq feet 1 bedroom(option of 1 king bed or 2 queens), 1 bathroom, and out door space type of deal. We made sure everyone was accommodated for and everyone had a comfortable living situation.
Our villa is a 4000 sq ft 1 bedroom, 1 bath including sauna, living room, a grand out door space, with an outdoor bath tub, pool and slide to get in the ocean.
We have not even made it a whole 24 hours here yet and a fight has already broken out. During dinner, my cousin mentioned wanting to come over and use our slide. My grandparents asked what we were talking about and asked to see pictures of our room.
Well, they saw my villa and demanded that we trade rooms with them as no elders should made to “slave” and live as “peasants” while their grandchildren get a nicer room.
This is bora bora we’re talking about. No one is living as a peasant here.
There was only 1 villa available in our section. Had I given it to my grandparents I think it would’ve been offensive to my husbands grandparents. If there was 3, we would’ve given it to both grandparents and 1 for ourself. But unfortunately, there wasn’t. I mentioned this and they still demanded the villa.
I obviously objected, and said I felt as though my husband and I should have that room as this is a vacation with family to celebrate OUR marriage, plus we paid for this entire trip? Wouldn’t one just sit back and be grateful they’re on a free vacation instead of complaining?
My grandparents freaked out. Saying I’m holding money above their head and that I’m being disrespectful and not following their orders. They stormed off after threatening to take the first flight out tomorrow morning and leaving.
Idk what to do. My side of the family is telling me to just give them the room to be respectful and bring peace to the family, while my husbands side thinks my grandparents are bat shit crazy and I agree. They are so ridiculous. All I wanted was both sides of the family to get together and get to know each other and now it’s falling apart.
I don’t think I’m the asshole at all, but I’ve been up all night thinking wether I should just squash it and invite my grandparents to stay in my villa in order for them not to leave. But another part of me just wants to tell them to go fuck themselves for making my honey moon about themselves, just like they do with everything else.
So Reddit, what do I do? WIBTA if I denied giving up my villa?
***UPDATE*** Even though I really wanted to be petty and tell them to fuck off, I decided it’d be better to kill them with kindness so they have little to work with if they decide to spin it around that I was disrespectful.
During breakfast my grandparents refused to show up if I was there. Everyone tried calling them-nope we’re not coming cause disrespectful granddaughter is there. After a lot of persuading and even having to send our baby cousin to their room to soften them up, they finally decided to come.
I made the first conversation by asking if they looked at any flights to leave yet, they could forward the paystub to my cell. They said they hadn’t looked yet and that should be my job if I was kicking them out?? I made sure they knew I was not kicking them out, but understood if they wanted to leave and offered to send some staff to their room to pack up their belongings so they could have a little more time to explore, or get their complimentary in room massage that comes with all the bungalows.
They kind of stopped eating and looked at each other in shock. Every time they threaten not to go anywhere, my family has always babied them and begged them not to leave and offer money or extravagant gifts for them to stay.
Well, I’m not doing that. I’ll pay for their flight back home, but I’ve already done enough accommodating on MY honeymoon vacation.
So there you have it. My grandparents weren’t even planning to go home, they tried scaring me into begging them to stay. I called their bluff.
After breakfast, I found a flight leaving around 5pm and walked to the main desk to ask them to cancel reservations for that room for the rest of the trip and to send staff to help pack. They also didn’t get their complimentary massage because the resort only offers that on 4 night stays or longer.
Staff came to help pack, and they left half an hour ago. Im currently in my villa de stressing before dinner and some uncles came in(who were married into family) and confided in me that they were sick and tired of the entitlement my grandparents have had since day 1 and they were glad someone born into the family decided to speak up. My cousins came over and honestly couldn’t care less my grandparents are gone, in their words “they kill the vibe”. So everyone’s happy right now and is using my slide before cleaning up for dinner.
I’m happy I was able to stand up to my grandparents without being blatantly disrespectful.
I have an overflow of messages and comments, that I can’t get back to. However, the main question is what my profession is.
I did not go the usual Asian route. I actually dropped out my last year of college and started a fashion line that took a couple years to take off, but surprisingly sky rocketed a few years ago. My dad is also an entrepreneur, I looked up to him and am so glad I had him as an inspiration who paved the way. Don’t give up on your dreams. | norajeans | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mf798u/entitled_grandparents_are_hit_with_the/ | mf798u | 5,922 | 679 | [
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2021-03-29T12:25:36 | OP Treats Her Foster Sister Terribly & Is Surprised At The Results | AITA | [Original Post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/mcmciv/aita_for_making_my_foster_sister_give_up_her_seat/)
AITA for making my foster sister give up her seat whenever my friends go places with us.
I'm (18f) the only kid in my family that drives. I have a 16 year old foster sister, Makenzie, who has been here for 2 years, and a real sister Lily who is 8.
Both my parents work a lot so my mom lets me use her second car to see my friends and she asks me to drive Lily and Makenzie places and gives me money to take them out to eat. I usually invite my friend Chloe or my bf Gabe to come with us and when they do I make Makenzie give them the front seat and sit in the back with Lily. She always whines that she shouldn't have to move for my friends and they should sit in the back but she eventually gets in the back.
Yesterday we went out for lunch and when we got to Chloe's house Makenzie started whining again that she didn't want to give up her seat and that its not fair. I told her it's not fair that I'm expected to chauffeur her around to wherever she wants to go but here we are. She went to the back and we went to get burgers.
The people at the drive through forgot to make my burger so they told us to wait in the front and they'll get it for me. I parked and gave Chloe and Lily their burgers so they could eat and told Makenzie to get my burger. She said no and that it's my burger so I should get it myself. She refused to get out of the car so I had to get out and wait.
When we got home I told Makenzie off for being a disrespectful little shit and told her to stay in her room until my mom got home and took her phone and tablet. When my mom got home Makenzie ran to her and cried that I was being mean to her and my mom sided with her and said that she had a really bad home and we need to be gentle with her and she said that I can't drive her car until I "learn to be nice to 'my sister'" and yelled at me for taking her phone and tablet and sending her to her room.
I think that since MY parents are letting Makenzie live here, the least she could do is be respectful to me and my family.
So, AITA for making my foster sister give up her seat in the car?
Edit: Also, I babysit them Mondays and Tuesdays while my parents work because I decided to wait a year before going to college and it was either that or pay rent so I was in charge when this happened.
Edit: Ok i know i shouldn't have tried to make her get my burger but she should've been more mature about it and not run crying to "mommy and daddy" and having to sleep in their room.
And i'm seeing a lot of comments about this so i'm going to say it here. My parents are trying to adopt Makenzie
edit: My parents said they talked about my punishment and they'll tell me when they come
Update: my parents are kicking me out because apparently me being here is "negatively affecting Makenzie's mental health and could potentially interfere with her adoption" so now I have to get a job, buy a car, and help pay for my own apartment
-----------------
OP tried to post in JustNoFamily for sympathy and quickly deleted when someone called her out. | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mfofyb/op_treats_her_foster_sister_terribly_is_surprised/ | mfofyb | 3,151 | 438 | [
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2021-03-29T18:39:15 | OP is pursuing an adult adoption with the woman she considers her real mom (her stepmother) and is worried about how to break the adoption news to her biological mother. | AITA | *This is a repost. [The original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/jjzfpv/wibta_for_not_telling_my_mom_that_my_stepmom_is/?context=3) is by /u/Queen_Fairyy.*
Sorry I’m on mobile.
So I (24f) do not have a good relationship with my bio mom. Our relationship is tolerable due to her living a couple states away and us really only talking once or twice a month. I have a very good relationship with my dad and we are extremely close as a result.
My dad will be officially marrying my stepmom before this year ends but she’s been in my life since I was 13/14. She has always been like a mother to me even when she and my dad weren’t together anymore (they were broken up for a few years and got back together almost 3 years ago) and I view her as my mom, her daughters as my sisters, etc.
I want to honor her as my mom and she’s more than happy to adopt me so we’ll be moving forward with the process soon. I don’t plan to tell my bio mom beforehand because I kinda don’t want to deal with it. I would however make the announcement via social media once everything is official and my bio mom would be finding out that way.
Where I live the bio parents don’t have anything to do with the process once it’s an adult adoption so WIBTA if I say nothing to my bio mom beforehand and just let her find out about my adoption via social media?
Edit: Thank you for all the comments and judgements I read and took into consideration each and every one of them. While the general consensus seems to be that I wouldn’t be in the wrong to not say anything I’ve decided to give my bio mom a heads up prior to posting the news on social media. I’m going to wait till everything is official to tell her and will post an update at that time.
Update1: So we finally started moving forward with the adoption process! We filed the Petition for an Adult Adoption and paid the filing fee. I got my consent letter notarized today. There’s just a few more papers to do later. SM and Dad are super happy and excited about it especially since they're going to be officially married in a few months (my dad had a stroke due to "that which shall not be named" so the wedding got pushed back) The average turn around time to be completely finalized is supposed to be 60-90 days, I'm hoping that is still the case despite the current circumstances of the world. I still haven't said anything to my BioMom yet, I'm waiting till everything is official. It's not much of an update but its something for everyone that cared enough to comment last time.
---
[**UPDATE**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/mfv8m7/update_wibta_for_not_telling_my_mom_that_my/)
Background summary: My stepmom and I (25F) decided to go through with an adult adoption. I was torn about if I should tell my BioMom about the adoption or not (Bio parents aren't required to be notified for adult adoptions in my state).
So the adoption hearing was this past Thursday! It was meant to be last month but got pushed back due to the freak snowstorm we had. It was online through zoom and it only took 10-15 minutes speaking to the judge and getting the papers signed. After that was done I called my BioMom and spoke with her about our relationship before finally telling her about the adoption. I told her that my decision wasn't meant to be malicious or hurt her in any way, that it was something that would make me happy, and that it didn't mean we couldn't still have a relationship. She took the news pretty well and said that she'd always love me and be my mom regardless of what a piece of paper says. The call ended on a good note and I'm hopeful that things will stay that way. My parents and I, along with my SO and son then had a yummy celebratory breakfast and an overall great day. We didn't post about the adoption on social media until a few hours after my BioMom and I had our conversation, but we did get an outpouring of love from friends and family once we shared the news. I know I originally anticipated this update being filled with lots of drama but I'm happy to have been wrong it seems. | Father-Son-HolyToast | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mfward/op_is_pursuing_an_adult_adoption_with_the_woman/ | mfward | 4,087 | 226 | [
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2021-03-29T18:46:19 | Today in people having inappropriate boundaries: OP's coworker is awkwardly insisting her colleagues refer to her boyfriend as her "master." [AskAManager blog] | EXTERNAL: AskAManager | *This is a repost. [The original post](https://www.askamanager.org/2016/09/my-coworker-wants-us-to-call-her-boyfriend-her-master.html) appeared on the AskAManager blog, not Reddit.*
An employee, “Sally,” started at our workplace about a year and a half ago. She’s not my subordinate, but is the subordinate to a peer of mine, and works frequently with my subordinates. A few months later she got a new boyfriend, “Peter.” (I found out about this through normal water cooler-type conversation.)
After she’d been with the company a few more months, at Christmas time of 2015, she invited her boyfriend to our holiday party. (This is totally normal in our workplace; people are welcome to bring any family or friends they like to the party as long as they RSVP.) Everything there seemed fine as well, although at one point Peter asked Sally to get him a drink, to which she replied “Yes, master!” in a very “I Dream of Jeannie” kind of way. We all laughed it off as a joke, and it didn’t come up again.
…until it did. We had an early summer party in late May at which Sally and Peter both attended (again, bringing SOs and friends was totally acceptable, so that was not in itself a problem). At this party, there was a good deal more of Peter ordering Sally around and Sally calling him “master”: he sent her to fetch drinks and hot dogs, he told her to find a place for them to sit, etc., to which she replied consistently with “Yes, master.” It made a number of people, myself included, clearly uncomfortable, but there was nothing objectively abusive about it (he never yelled at her or threatened her), and her immediate supervisor and her supervisor’s supervisor weren’t there, and so no one said anything (perhaps incorrectly?).
After the party, at the office, I overheard a conversation in which one of her coworker-friends was like, “so uh, what’s up with the master thing?” and she explained that she was in a 24/7 dominant/submissive relationship, and he wasn’t her boyfriend or her SO or her partner, he was her “master,” and needed to be referred to as such. Her coworker was clearly flummoxed and didn’t have much response to that.
Later, I heard her correct someone who referred to her boyfriend as her boyfriend/partner, saying that he wasn’t her partner, he was her master, and should be referred to using his appropriate title. She compared it to gay rights, saying that if she was a man, they wouldn’t erase her relationship by referring to “Peter” as “Patricia,” and so they shouldn’t erase the D/s relationship by calling him a partner instead of a master. It’s pretty clear that her coworkers aren’t comfortable asking her “will your master be at the end-of-summer barbecue?” or “did you and your master do anything fun this weekend?, though, and thus have just stopped referring to Peter at all.
Her direct boss, my colleague, is baffled as to how to sensitively address this issue. My instinct is that there’s a very big difference between insisting that colleagues acknowledge that you’re in a gay relationship and insisting that they refer to your partner as “your master,” and that it borders on involving other non-consenting parties into your relationship … but I can’t really articulate why. For what it’s worth, I am a bisexual woman, and our office has a number of gay/lesbian, trans, and poly individuals, so it’s not an issue of being against nontraditional relationships. It just seems to be that it seems very important to Sally that Peter be referred to as “her master,” and it seems equally clear that her coworkers find this intensely uncomfortable.
Help? How can I advise my colleague? What’s reasonable in this situation?
---
[**UPDATE**](https://www.askamanager.org/2016/12/update-my-coworker-wants-us-to-call-her-boyfriend-her-master.html)
First I wanted to thank both you and the commenters for your feedback–it really made me (and my coworker, Sally’s direct manager), feel somewhat less bonkers. (To be clear, the coworker/Sally’s boss knew that I was going to send the letter, as we’d been discussing the issue between ourselves; in fact, I suggested she write to you, but she was feeling a little shy about writing to an advice blogger she didn’t know, so I did it. She read over the letter & responses, though, and was grateful too.)
In the interim between sending the letter and the response, we had already told the staff that no, they definitely didn’t need to refer to Peter as “master,” but could simply call him by name. (As others have speculated, the reason the issue came to a head at all was because Sally brought Peter up *a lot.* Many of my coworkers, I barely know what their spouses are named… but anyway.) The actual result was that people basically just avoided Sally for all social conversations, interacting with her on only on and about work projects.
After reading the letter and responses, my coworker decided that Sally really needed a direct talking-to about it. She went in with the same arguments that people suggested: that we respected her relationship, but that some details of relationships are appropriate for the workplace and some are not, and insisting on certain titles can fall into that ‘details’ category. She used the example that we would of course always refer to people by the correct gender, and would never say “friend” or “roommate” if “boyfriend” or “partner” or “husband” was correct, but that on the other hand it would be inappropriate to call someone “my lover” or “my binkie-boo” in the office, that that is a level of intimate detail that your coworker does not need or want.
Sadly, Sally doubled down at this point, insisting that “lover” or “binkie-boo” or “snuffalupugus” or “fuckboy” or whatever should be used if they were accurate, because they accurately represent the relationship and to insist on ‘softening’ the nature of the relationship for the ‘easily shocked’ was a slippery slope to oppression. (No, really.) For what it’s worth, I get the impression that Sally was not so much naive or lacking in common sense as deliberately pushing the boundary for some reason of her own.
My coworker said that she had every right to feel that way, but at the workplace, “master” (and “schmooples” and “fuckbuddy”) were not appropriate; that Peter could be referred to as Peter or as her partner or as her boyfriend or as her friend or as any of a variety of options or not at all, but that “master” was inappropriate, and that this was a very, very common stance for even a very liberal company to take and that Sally had probably ought to learn to adjust to it.
(Not gonna lie, it has been so hard the past few weeks to not say “my lovaaaaah” instead of “my partner.” I have refrained.)
Sally threatened to go over her head, but from what I hear, the big boss just shut her down with a “your manager’s word stands on this issue and I see no reason to talk to you about it.” Not too long after, Sally quit; I don’t know where she is, but I’ve heard through the grapevine that she’s freelancing.
So that’s the update. I still don’t know exactly what point Sally was trying to make–our organization is really quite liberal and has a lot of GLBTQIA+ employees (myself included) but there are still lines. She was trying to push one, I suppose. I don’t get the impression that this was masterminded by Peter–it’s tempting to think that she was trying to “freak the mundane,” as some commenters suggested, or just wanted to see how far she could push the lines. | Father-Son-HolyToast | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mfwga6/today_in_people_having_inappropriate_boundaries/ | mfwga6 | 7,478 | 410 | [
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2021-03-30T03:39:18 | OP Is A Cis Man Mistaken For A Trans Woman By The Cute Girl At His Gym | TIFU | A light hearted one for you 😉
(TIFU = Today I F'd Up)
[Original Post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/m1jy2b/tifu_by_not_realizing_the_cute_gym_employee/)
TIFU by not realizing the cute gym employee thinks I'm a transwoman.
Where to start...ever since the covid lock-down happened I have been letting my hair grow out. At first it was because all the barber shops were closed but then even after I got my hands on a hair clipper it became more amusing to see how far I could take this. Covid had put a stop to my dating life so I wasn't trying to clean up for anyone. So after a year of letting my hair grow out it is now shoulder length.
Another side effect of covid is my weight. I used to go to the gym regularly but stopped once the gyms were closed due to covid. I have never been the type to run on the streets so my weight gained the covid 25 akin to the proverbial freshman 15. I have a pretty skinny frame to begin with so what that means is that all the fat went to my stomach and my now "man boobs".
There is just one last piece of information before I can start. I am the type of Asian that has trouble growing facial hair.
So now we can begin. As most of you know, we are reaching the light at the end of the tunnel in terms of covid. Most states are relaxing their lockdown restrictions and my gym finally reopened last week. Eager to get back into shape, I went on the first day of the reopening. I do my thing on the machines and maybe pushed myself a little too hard or perhaps I am just that out of shape because I was a complete mess by the end of my workout. I make my way toward the men's room but this cute gym employee who was sanitizing the water fountain in between the men's and women's room intercepted me. She said "you can use that one" pointing to the women's room and in my exhausted and muscle already starting to ache state, I only thought perhaps there was something wrong with the men's room and that they closed it off. So I go in the women's room (it was empty because the gym just reopened) and I take care of business. When I come out, she said "I think what you're doing is brave" and I for some reason thought she meant going to the gym again and said thanks. It wasn't until I got to my car that the light bulb in my head finally turned on - she must think I'm a transwoman. The long hair, man boobs and no facial hair.
Now it wouldn't be so bad if that was the only interaction I have with her but the next day she came over as I was running on the treadmill to introduce herself. And because I have been going to the gym almost everyday (since I'm serious about getting back into shape) she and I have developed a sort of friendship. Just today she asked how long I have been transitioning and I said since covid. I don't know how long I can keep this up for... this is the cheapest gym in my area so I don't want to switch.
TLDR; Gained long hair and moobs during covid. Gym finally reopened and cute employee thinks I'm a transwoman.
[Update Post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/m4ryho/tifu_update_by_not_realizing_the_cute_gym/)
Hello, I'm back. Thank you for all your comments and awards. I never thought my post would get that much attention. I am glad a lot of you were able to get a good laugh out of it and I'm grateful for those who asked for an update because it helped pushed me to come clean to her. I felt it is my responsibility in the end to man up instead of chickening out and switching gyms or trying to play it off as a misunderstanding.
Before I begin, here are some things you guys wanted to know:
I only used the women's room once. After the first day, I waited until I got home.
I introduced myself as Chris. I know that doesn't really help.
Some of you wanted to know how I look and I am honestly too embarrassed to post a picture for everyone to see when I am at my lowest. Instead, I give you this picture of Jimmy O. Yang. My hair is the same length as his in the photo and if I lost my COVID 19 weight he would be my closest celeb lookalike.
Alright anyways, it's been a couple days and while I had the intention of coming clean to her every time I went to the gym, more and more people were returning to work out and so I didn't feel comfortable coming clean to her with so many people around. It wasn't until Saturday that there were less people around. We were chatting as usual and at one point I bit the bullet and told her how I knew she thought I was a trans woman but that I couldn't bear to correct her. I also offered to switch gyms if she felt it was too awkward. She took it surprisingly well. She told me one of her ex who she is still friends with recently came out as a trans woman and that's why she was trying hard to be open minded and inclusive. We ended up talking about how we both still have a lot to learn about the trans community (like how I should have used trans woman with a space in my previous post). So yeah...I'm not sure how to end this but the situation has been resolved.
Special shout-out to all the people who commented/messaged me about the correct way to spell trans woman, the guy who wanted to CashApp me funds to go to a new gym and lastly to the person who said I should post on r/bustyasians
TLDR; Told the cute gym employee I am not a trans woman and we [may or may not have a date lined up.](https://imgur.com/nMSSTrz) 😏 | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mg71o4/op_is_a_cis_man_mistaken_for_a_trans_woman_by_the/ | mg71o4 | 5,383 | 187 | [
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2021-03-30T07:06:24 | Thank you to the people who contribute to this sub | META | I’ve been ill in bed for several days (nothing deadly, mending now!), and this sub has been a godsend. Top entertainment between naps, and kept me distracted when waiting for the next painkiller.
I’ve now read back through every post right to the beginning of the sub. For anyone curious how long that would take: two full days 😄 Thanks again all, I really appreciate your efforts! | FranFace | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mga4nl/thank_you_to_the_people_who_contribute_to_this_sub/ | mga4nl | 383 | 604 | [
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2021-03-30T16:37:13 | OP begins to suspect she may be in a dead-end relationship when her boyfriend who is almost twice her age derisively refers to her desire to someday marry as a "fairy tale" | Relationships | *This is a repost. [The original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/lmbjiw/have_i_hit_a_dead_end_in_my_relationship/) is by /u/tweedle_dee23.*
My boyfriend (50M) and I (27F) have been dating for 2 years. Being in an age gap relationship has presented a lot of unique challenges, not the least of which involved the vehement disapproval of my mother. Initially, that was a huge road block for us, but my mom has since come around and is at least tolerant of our relationship. The age gap isn’t her favorite, but she likes my boyfriend and recognizes that he is a good man that loves and cares for me.
Now that things have smoothed over with my mom, I am allowing myself to look more to the future and think about marriage, etc. My bf and I both do not want children, which makes things a little simpler. However, I have recently come to find out that my bf is not crazy about the idea of marriage.
I know I should have seen this coming. After all, he is 50 years old and has never been married. He was in a couple other long-term relationships, one of which lasted 10+ years. That woman had 2 kids, which he helped raise. When I asked him why he never married her, he said that she had a sizable inheritance, and her dad was suspicious that anyone who tried to marry her was just in it for the money. To prove a point, they never got married. Eventually they broke up and went their separate ways, but they are still in contact since they raised kids together and spent so many years together.
When my bf and I first started dating, he was very enthusiastic about our relationship. He said “I love you” very quickly, talked about marriage, said he had never felt that way about anyone before. He described his other relationships as “convenient” or “comfortable” and said that ours was different. It was probably just a bunch of crap, but it seemed sincere. I was very guarded in the beginning, because I was aware of the risks going into an age gap relationship. Over the last couple years, we have grown very close. We don’t argue too much, we have fun together, and we are overall just a good match. I have grown to love him very much.
Maybe it’s in my head, but his feelings for me seemed to die down a lot. I know things change after the “honeymoon phase,” but this seems different. I miss the way he used to dote on me in the beginning. Don’t get me wrong, he still expresses his love in many ways, but his commitment to our future seems diminished.
A couple months ago we were in the car together and he was driving when his mom texted him. He asked me to respond to her, and when I did, I saw a message thread underneath the one with his mom that mentioned me...so I opened it. He had been texting a friend, who asked him if he got engaged for Christmas. My boyfriend’s reply was “No, I love my girlfriend, but she’s a little too unmotivated for me.”
That message absolutely crushed me. I have a successful career and a graduate degree, I strive to maintain a nice home and cook and clean while having a full-time job. I have my lazy days on the couch, but don’t we all? After questioning my every move for the last 2 months and feeling guilty every time I sat down on the couch, I finally asked him if he thought I was too lazy. He said no, of course not, and that we are all entitled to our down time. I left it alone for a few days, then I broached the subject of marriage. I asked him if he would ever want to get married, and he said “Yeah, we can get married.” That wasn’t really the answer I was looking for, so I clarified that I did not want him to marry me just to appease me. He said that is the only reason he would, and that he has no interest in marriage.
My idea of marriage does not include one partner getting married to please the other. I want him to want to marry me. After further discussion, it was clear that he would be perfectly happy if he never married. His dad has been married 6 times, and he said that because of that and the fact that he’s 50 years old, marriage just doesn’t mean much to him anymore. He even referred to my desire to be married as a “fairy tale.”
I can understand why he feels this way, but marriage still means a lot to me, and I don’t think that wanting to be married is a fairy tale dream. I think I am worthy of a partner who feels the same way and is willing to make that commitment. When I voiced that to him, he backpedaled a little and suggested that he could change his mind, but he just doesn’t know how he’ll feel 10 years from now. When I suggested that was a dealbreaker for me, he begged me not to give up on him yet. For a few days afterward he was incredibly sensitive to my needs and thoughtful and caring more that usual. Now, a few weeks out, he has become complacent again.
So, have I reached a dead end in this relationship? Should I move on, or is it worth staying with him? There is really nothing else “wrong” with the relationship, so I can’t decide if I’m being silly by wanting to get married so badly. It really wouldn’t change much, since we already live together. I also can’t bear the thought of leaving, and I really do love him and care for him, so I desperately don’t want to break up. Any advice would be appreciated. If you read the whole thing, I applaud you.
TL;DR: My bf doesn’t really want to be married, but would do it to appease me. I feel under-loved and under-appreciated because I perceive his aversion to marriage as lack of commitment to me. Is this a valid dealbreaker, or should I treasure the relationship we have rather than throwing it away because my bf doesn’t want to get married?
---
[**UPDATE**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/mfgfef/update_on_deadend_age_gap_relationship/)
I (27F) posted a while back about my boyfriend (50M) being indifferent about marriage and only willing to get married to appease me. Among some other relationship challenges, this became a dealbreaker for me, and I have broken up with him since my post.
This has hands-down been the most difficult breakup I’ve ever gone through. We only dated for two years, but I felt like we were together much longer. I had a very strong connection with him, and breaking up was heart-wrenching, because I still have feelings for him. Still, I know it was the best decision for me. The pain is still there, however, and he is not making things easy for me.
I have moved out of his house (which I lived in and contributed to financially for the duration of our relationship). I miss him terribly, as he had become my best friend and confidante over the last couple years. Despite my repeated discussions and explanations regarding my reasons for wanting to break up, he continues to make himself the victim. He says he feels used, and when I try to explain my own despair over having to end the relationship, he simply says, “It’s okay. I always get hurt eventually. I’ve come to expect it.” He also thinks I am being unreasonable about marriage, and that he “put up” with a lot in our relationship, but that I was not willing to put up with his aversion to marriage. When I asked him what he put up with, he cited a 6-month period where I struggled with depression and he had to provide me with more support than normal. I am appalled that he would hold that over me like I was just being lazy that whole time or something. He said it affected him too, but seems to have no regard for how it affected me—the actual person with a mental health issue.
He also said that even if he had wanted to be married, he wouldn’t have considered it yet, because I hadn’t put in enough time in the relationship to earn his trust. He said I was being impatient and insensitive to the fact that a marriage is inconvenient for a man of his age, and that weddings are expensive. He acted like I was going to make him pay entirely for a lavish wedding and then divorce him and sue him for everything he has. It hurts that he really thinks I am capable of such things, and that he clearly thinks I didn’t love him. If I just wanted to use him for his money or whatever, I would still be with him.
Clearly there were some resentful feelings there that have only come to light since our breakup. I know I made the right decision, but I could use some cheering up from the Reddit community. These last few weeks have been horrible. I lost my best friend and partner, and I feel like he has turned completely against me and marred all the good memories I have of him. I have also been tossed out of my home and forced to look for a new one at an incredibly emotional time. If any of you have some advice, encouraging words, or anything uplifting to say, it would be greatly appreciated.
I would also like to thank the Redditors who commented on my previous post and gave me the courage to do something difficult and painful that will ultimately lead me down the path that’s best for me.
TL;DR: I broke up with my boyfriend that didn’t want the same things as me, but now I’m left feeling lonely and heartbroken. Please offer any kind words or sentiments you may have. | Father-Son-HolyToast | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mgk461/op_begins_to_suspect_she_may_be_in_a_deadend/ | mgk461 | 9,075 | 351 | [
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2021-03-30T16:47:59 | One of the most infamous AskAManager posts of all time: OP uncovers what seems to be a bizarre duck-themed sex club at their office. (Quack quack.) | EXTERNAL: AskAManager | *This is a repost. [The original post](https://www.askamanager.org/2015/04/i-walked-in-on-employees-having-sex-and-i-think-there-might-be-a-sex-club-in-my-office.html) appeared on the AskAManager blog, not Reddit.*
I am the manager of a customer service team of about 10-12 members. Most of the team members are right out of school and this is their first professional job and their ages range from 22-24. I am about 10 years older than all of my employees. We have a great team and great working relationships. They all do great work and we have established a great team culture.
Well, a couple of months ago, I noticed something odd that my team (and other employees in the building) started doing. They would see each other in the hallways or break room and say “quack quack” like a duck. I assumed this was an inside joke and thought nothing of it and wrote it off as playful silliness or thought I perhaps missed a moment in a recent movie or TV show to which the quacks were referring.
Fast forward a few months. I needed to do some printing and our printer is in a room that can be locked by anyone when it is in use (our team often has large volumes of printing they need to do and it helps to be able to sort things in there by yourself, as multiple people can get their pages mixed up and it turns into a mess). The door had been locked the entire day and this was around noon, and the manager I have the key to the door in case someone forgot to unlock it when they left. I walked in, and there were two of my employees on the couch in the copier room having sex. I immediately closed the door and left.
This was last week and as you can imagine things are very awkward between the three of us. I haven’t addressed the situation yet because of a few factors: This was during both of their lunch hours. They were not doing this on the clock (they had both clocked out, I immediately checked). We have an understanding that you can go or do anything on your lunch that you want, as long as you’re back after an hour. Also, as you mentioned in your answer last week to the person who overheard their coworker involved in “adult activities,” these people are adults and old enough to make their own choices.
But that’s not the end of the story. That same day, after my team had left, I was wrapping up and putting a meeting agenda on each of their desks for our meeting the next day. Out in broad daylight on the guys desk (one of the employees I had caught in the printing room) was a piece of paper at the top that said “Duck Club.” Underneath it, it had a list of locations of places in and around the office followed by “points.” 25 points – president’s desk, 10 points – car in the parking lot, 20 points – copier room, etc.
So here is my theory about what is going on (and I think I am right). This “Duck Club” is a club people at work where people get “points” for having sex in these locations around the office. I think that is also where the quacking comes into play. Perhaps this is some weird mating call between members to let them know they want to get some “points” with the other person, and if they quack back, they meet up somewhere to “score.” The two I caught in the copier room I have heard “quacking” before.
I know this is all extremely weird. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to write you because of how weird this seems (plus I was a little embarrassed). I have no idea what to do. As I mentioned above, they weren’t on the clock when this happened, they’re all adults, and technically I broke a rule by entering the copier room when it was locked, and would have never caught them if I had obeyed that rule. The only company rule I can think of that these two broke is using the copier room for other purposes, preventing someone else from using it.
I would love to know your opinion on this. I tend to want to sweep it under the rug because I’m kind of a shy person and would be extremely embarrassed to bring it up.
---
[**UPDATE**](https://www.askamanager.org/2015/06/update-i-walked-in-on-employees-having-sex-and-i-think-theres-a-sex-club-in-my-office.html) *(link is external to Reddit)*
I first want to defend something I said in my original letter against some of the comments of your posters. I said originally that at my job we had a great work culture and that basically the team I led worked well together and got along. It seems some of the commenters took exception to this because of what turned out to be going on behind the scenes. Just because this was going on, doesn’t make what I said any less true. We do get along great. We are all high performers. So I take exception to some of the comments that suggested this was untrue or that I was being naïve.
Anyway, I did take your advice and go to my manager. Suffice it to say it was kind of awkward. Thankfully the timeline on when I found out to when I told him never came up, so he wasn’t aware that I took so long to tell him. Anyway, he told me he had heard some whispers of other things like this from other people – not necessarily catching people in “the act” but just some weird instances going on. For example, a few people reported that it looked like their cars had been broken into, but nothing had been stolen. The reason they noticed something was because their seats had been pushed all the way forward (perhaps some duck members scoring more points?). He also mentioned that another coworker of ours reported that on one of the three slots in the tampon dispenser in the ladies room had never worked and had been labeled “out of order” (and had been so ever since I can remember). She just happened to let her curiosity get the best of her one day and turned the knob and what came out? A condom. Weird, I know. I have no idea who loads those things, if it’s the maintenance workers or if we have someone in the office that’s responsible for it or if it’s serviced by a third party company. That’s the one I thought was really strange. Perhaps this is where the duck club comes to get their protection – or maybe I’m just reading too much into that one.
Anyway, we scheduled a meeting with my boss’s boss for the next day (he’s one of the top guys in the company) and that was also awkward. I told him what I encountered and what my suspicions were for the duck club. He asked me if I had any proof aside from catching the two employees in the act and the sheet on my employees desk that I came across that there was a duck club and I said no, but I thought it was easy to connect the dots. He played this off as basically “people will do what they want to” and “kids will be kids.” He acted like I was trying to stir up trouble by making leaps to things that didn’t exist and that I should write it off as a one time event and not “blow it out of proportion.” Also, he kinda chuckled when I called it a “duck club” and laughed when I said I had heard people quacking at each other. So when the meeting was over and my boss and I left his office, he said “You guys have a good day, quack quack.” Now I don’t know if he was doing that to mock me and my take on the whole situation, or if that was perhaps a subtle way of him saying, “Yes, I know about the club, and not only am I aware of it, I also am a member” (but perhaps that’s me reading too much into it once again).
My manager and I were kind of dumbfounded when we left his supervisor’s office by the way he responded. My manager was also surprised that his supervisor suggested we not address the situation at all. But we both decided that taking everything into consideration, we could just roll with this weirdness to work where we do. We are very nicely paid with great benefits and generous vacation time. We also love what we do and love our team (even the “quacks” lol). I am fine to let this pass and never speak of it again, and can live with it knowing that nothing will be done about it and I won’t be in trouble for not doing anything now that I have done my part in reporting it. I know that may sound weird, but I’d rather stay here and work because it actually is a relief knowing that, even though the decision of the higher-ups was to not address it, that I won’t at least be held responsible if anything else ever comes with it. I do have proof that I reported it because my manager would back me if anything ever came of this news.
I am also happy to say that I can now speak to the two I caught in the act without blushing now and we’ve moved on, even though nothing was ever said verbally about it. | Father-Son-HolyToast | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mgkcyw/one_of_the_most_infamous_askamanager_posts_of_all/ | mgkcyw | 8,505 | 211 | [
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2021-03-30T22:52:16 | OP is upset that sister gave up her toddler in favour of new baby, without telling the family; Redditors see giant red flags | AITA | [Original and updated post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/mfq936/aita_for_making_a_scene_when_i_found_out_my/) by u/Psychedelicorpsycho/
OP's original post
My sister had a second child and we were all thrilled for her. She lives a few states over and we haven't seen her this last year. She had one child 2 years ago with her bf and the other one was born last month.
Yesterday we had a family zoom meeting to see the baby and to say hi to my other nibbling. We get on, family starts to load in. Everyone is basically there thrilled to see the baby. We get to meet her new baby boy. After a bit I asked to see my niece as well.
My sister got quite and very quietly said she doesn't have her. My aunt questioned this and I was also confused. After a few minutes my sister said that in the beginning of January she put her daughter up for a closed adoption because she couldn't care for two kids.
Everyone lost it. The whole zoom was a mess. We didn't know. We never got to say goodbye. She didn't have to do this because any one of us would have taken my niece. Fuck, I could have taken her.. Ive had multiple miscarriages/fertility issues and although I am currently pregnant I am stable, owning a home, and have the resources to have taken a toddler as well as have my baby. Important: My sister has always also said she wanted to be a boy mom.
I lost it. I called my sister a narcissistic cunt. I asked her when she'd get bored of the new baby and get rid of that one too. I asked her how the hell she could do this without reaching out to family. I know my sister and I know deep down she just didn't want a daughter. She was depressed when she found out she was having a girl but thrilled for this entire recent pregnancy. I called her a monster for making children she didn't want to care for, like they were a novelty. I said some other things too.
At this point, my grandmother is a complete mess and says her chest hurts so I stop. My aunt who is with my grandmother goes to help her and turns off the camera. My grandmother ended up having a panic attack that they thought was a heart attack at first. I am so glad she is okay.
My sister has since cut off all contact from the entire family. My father is pissed at me for blowing up (I was the only one who did) and says that I pushed her away. He said he could have tried to convince her to reverse it but my verbal lashing completely ruined any chance of getting my niece back. I don't think he understands what a close adoption means. Also, adoption takes a minute so for her to have it completed by January makes me feel this process was in place for a minute. I don't think there's any chance of seeing my niece again when the mother and father both signed her to be adopted. He's mad at me because now he lost his grand daughter and is afraid he'll never know his grandson.
My dad things I'm an ass for freaking out and "nearly giving my grandmother a heart attack." I'm feeling guilty that my grandmother had such an extreme reaction but I feel that's more because she lost her great grand daughter
\---------------------------
Several Redditors expressed concern for the niece's safety, questioning if she was given up for adoption or did she meet a dire fate?
OP's first update:
Edit to update: I've contacted local CPS for my sisters area, local courts, and I have a lawyer looking into it for me (starting tomorrow as I just obtained him).
Thank you for the helpful comments pointing out the issues with this. Especially thank you to those in social work who reached out to me privately. I didnt realize how many options I had to fight this or to see if it was legit. I'll update when I find more out from the lawyer.
Lots of people commenting this is fake; I really wish it was. This has been a nightmare. Thank you again to those with helpful suggestions and feedback.
\-----------------------
OP's final update
Final update: I am pursuing legal custody and due to this I will not be providing any more updates. My lawyer recommended this. The kids come first. I can say a few things.
1. They found her. The adoption process started a year ago in silence as a "private rehoming." It was explained to me that we could fight it as they skipped steps in the process.
2. My sister told them she had no family/ the family she does have is abusive. There was abuse on our mothers side but they are long dead now.
3. Theres an open investigation into my sister already for her son because of the way she surrendered custody of her daughter.
4. I'm going to temporarily move into an apartment in that area so I am close by incase CPS takes custody of my nephew. It was explained that this was the only way I could actively fight for custody -- by being available and close. | mermaidpaint | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mgs5yw/op_is_upset_that_sister_gave_up_her_toddler_in/ | mgs5yw | 4,774 | 791 | [
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2021-03-30T23:51:24 | OP tells her co-workers that her girlfriend doesn't have a real job then wonders why the gf feels disrespected | AITA | *This is a repost. [The original post](https://redd.it/kqh9a7) is by /u/ThrrawayAITAAcct.*
**Original Title: AITA for telling my (30F) GF (27F) she does not have a real job**
My (30F) GF (27F) and I both work in finance. Well sort of. We met in college and both graduated together four years ago.
In 2017, We both earned a bachelor’s in accounting and Finance. I decided to study for my CPA exam right after graduating and she decided to go work a low-level accounting job at a construction company earning $35,000 per year. I was not happy with her decision to do this, but I know she has never been quite as driven as me.
Fast forward to today. I work at one of the Big Four accounting firms earning $89,000 per year. I have worked long hours and put my all into this position. My GF is still at the construction company but has kind of worked her way up and earns $60,000 annually. I do not really understand her job position. She manages accounts for different projects. Our main fight over the past four years has been career choices.
We went out with my colleagues about a month ago and just had drinks. One of them asked what my GF does for a living. I had drunk a bit much and instantly felt mad and embarrassed as she explained it to him. I said without thinking "She doesn't have a real job". My GF laughed it off and said, "Yeah I get paid to take naps all day". Her response made everyone at the table uneasy.
We decided a few years ago to each put $1000 per month into savings for our future. Which we have been doing religiously. Well, I checked the account today and noticed she did not put in her $1000 this month. I confronted her about this, and she says she is putting it into her project car instead. Let me explain the car. I have been working a ton of hours this time of year. She is alone quite often at the house. She decided to take up a new hobby. She bought some early nineties car and has been putting every dime into it to make it a racecar, I think? She just bought some fuel system electronic thing that was like $1200!!! We are not on the same page anymore about our life goals and aspirations. I do not even have room to park my vehicle in the garage anymore. I do not think a luxury vehicle should be parked on the curb. She is $1000 behind schedule for a loud trashy car and I cannot deal.
I asked today if we even share the same goals anymore. She says she is not sure and that I was really an ahole when we were out with my colleagues. She says I do not respect her. I told her that is not true. I just know she is smart and capable of more than a dusty 40 hour per week job. She says she is happy there and plans to stay in that industry if we move to the coast. I do not know what to do. I asked her if she was cool with me posting on here and she said she did not care.
TLDR: AITA for telling my GF of 5 years that she does not have a real job in front of my well-established colleagues?
**UPDATES**
**EDIT:** I am neurotypical. I have been diagnosed with depression as well. Stacie said she has been unhappy for a while and is planning to leave once the pandemic is over. I think she is going to take her funds. I am crushed and not a single comment made anything better. She doesn't understand how hard it has been for me to get to where I am at. She said "Your coworkers are snobs like you". I am not a snob. I am keeping up with a lifestyle because I don't want to be a broke artist like all of her friends. This is devastating and goes to show how prejudice people on the internet can be.
**EDIT 2**: I meant that I am not neurotypical. But that has never stood in the way of anything for me. I did not immediately get into Audit right away. I have been auditing for two years. I feel that $89k is very substantial - no raise this year due to COVID. I plan to earn six figures this year. I could easily leave this job and make $125k in finance management at any large hospital, tech company, etc. I choose to stay here because the wealth is coming. And it is coming soon. Stacie has only once in the past few years had an issue with me being driven to succeed and rejecting the casual lifestyle. I refused to help her hitch a trailer and drive 2 hours to pick up a Jet Ski. I do not exaggerate when I say we never fight. That is why this is all such a blow to me.
**Final Edit (I think):**
I did not imagine this post would have 1k comments. I see it was a mistake on my end to tell Stacie she did not have a real job, especially at the table with colleagues. I did not mean literally she did not have a real job. Obviously she earns an income where she is able to pay for half of our townhome mortgage, owns a Ranger, and now a Ford Foxbody project. She has always paid for half of everything we own together. I never intended to come across as her being a bum. That is not the case at all. The only thing she does not contribute towards is my BMW.
I forget she is 3 years younger than me. I have always felt we were the same except for the huge income gap. When I met her in college, I knew she was the one. She would tutor young kids on the spectrum. She was their mentor. She has a big heart. She is beautiful! I have always felt she was the conventionally attractive one out of the two of us.
I just lose focus. People have went on and on commenting about how much $60k is per year. I just never moved on from that summer after we graduated. I immediately started studying for my exams and she picked the first company that popped up on Indeed needing an Accounts Payable person. Do you know what that is? For six months, she just entered invoices in a system to be paid. While I was trying to become a CPA, trying to make a better life for us. Then she took on the role of Accounts Receivable. She was basically a glorified money collector. It was at that point she said she moved from AP to AR in the podunk company that I just had enough. I told her I did not want to hear anymore about her position shifts within the company.
I realize now during those years at the company, she progressed up to a project account manager. I accompanied her to some company picnic day last year and met a few of her peers. Hard Hats. Cowboy boots. That is NOT us. I think I have focused too much on not wanting her to be that person that I lost sight of the fact that $60k is actually a decent amount to earn compared to the average person.
I think convincing her to stay will be difficult. But I have to try.
**Last Edit:** Okay, I am done. Stacie is leaving me. She refuses to listen to me and is heading somewhere else for the night. She is revving up her stupid car as we speak. The Becca and Stacie future is never happening. I have wasted 5 years of my life on someone who is not right for me. Internet, you win. Maybe she will find some construction worker more suited to her. I'm done with this post.
**One More Thing:** This is so ridiculous. You people cannot simultaneously go off about how my ex earns SO MUCH at 60k, while also going off about how my 89k is lowly and means nothing. Get a grip and realize what you are saying. | OhYeahThat | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mgtac3/op_tells_her_coworkers_that_her_girlfriend_doesnt/ | mgtac3 | 7,102 | 170 | [
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2021-03-31T03:54:09 | GF complains OP's cooking smells like 💩 | AITA | *repost, original* [*post*](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/lqd2q1/aita_for_refusing_to_make_anymore_meals_for_my/) *by* [u/theomelette\_](https://www.reddit.com/user/theomelette_/)
Things have been great with my girlfriend for the most part. We (28F, 26M) have been together 4 years and living together for 2. Lately there’s been some tension so I feel like maybe that’s why things may have boiled over.
We both work a lot, so we have both been very cranky and moody. Especially my girlfriend who’s snapped at me a few times and been in a really bad mood.
For the past few days what’s really set her off is my cooking. I’m usually the one making breakfast, packing our lunches, and dinner.
Literally anytime Ive been at the stove, she complains about how bad the smell is and gives me crap about using stuff that has obviously gone bad according to her. Or saying it tastes like shit, won’t even finish eating.
This has pissed me off. I’m not a chef but I do pride myself in my cooking and she’s talking about how bad my food is. I’ve had my coworkers try my lunch and they tell me it taste just fine.
I figured with all the stress she’s under at work she probably needed an outlet to let out her frustration. And maybe that’s why she’s giving me shit about simple things. I don’t know.. But I snapped a little this morning when again she complained about the omelette I was making us.
So I actually dumped the eggs in the trash, told her she can make her own damm breakfast for herself then and I’m not cooking for her anymore if she’s gonna keep acting spoiled about what I make.
We ended up having an argument over this and we left for work mad. Anyways my girlfriend didn’t come home and her sister called me.
My girlfriend’s mad at me and her sister thought I was being dick for reacting so immaturely by refusing to cook for her anymore when I know she works a lot; so sometimes she doesn’t have the time to prep her own meals.
Idk why this was turned into a bigger deal but here I am sitting at home wondering if I was being an asshole for losing my cool and telling her I’m not cooking for her.
Just didn’t think it’s fair for her to be talking shit about my cooking when she never has before and thought well if she doesn’t like it, then she can take over the kitchen. Was I an asshole?
UPDATE: Well shit this is way too many responses for me 😅😅 Most of it pointing out some obvious shit that didn’t even hit me until y’all mentioned it.
It was super late when I posted this and I was gonna wait until morning to talk to her. I had a missed call from my girlfriend so I called her back.
Totally different tune this time. My girlfriend was really apologetic about the way she was acting and didn’t realize how much of a “b1tch” she was being (her words not mine I swear) until she talked more with her sister.
Apparently her sis didn’t have the full details of the fight. My girlfriend was just extremely upset and while she told her what we fought about, I guess the state my girlfriend was in at the moment made her think the fight was a lot bigger than it actually was. Hence her reaction.
She didn’t know this was going on for days until they talked about it last night. Even her sister was like “seriously?” Yeah that helped her see how shitty she was being towards me. Her sister also apologized to me btw.
I said my piece to her. It wasn’t cool being used as her punching bag and I don’t deserve that kind of disrespect from her.Especially when I’m here cooking meals for both of us. My girlfriend was really understanding of that and we both agreed to talk shit out instead of letting it all boil up to the point where we’re both snapping at eachother.
Ok so getting back to what everyone’s been wanting to hear, my girlfriend got home and I decided to bring up her issues with the smell thing. Praying to God she wouldn’t rip my head off for implying she was only mad cause “hormones.”
Her reaction was priceless though because clearly she didn’t think about that either 😂 So yep we took a quick trip to CVS and got us a couple tests just to be sure.
We came home and...yep they’re positive!!
Holy fuck I can’t believe you guys were right about that. I’m feeling like a bit of a dumbass for not knowing that lol 😂 But anyways yeah we’re pregnant and freaked out/super excited. My girl for sure cried and ok, me too a little bit.
She’s calling her doctor to make an appointment though just to be sure but yeah for right now looks like we got a lil squish on the way and I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s too crazy
I know lots of you keep asking so there’s your update. This has been a fucking rollercoaster....
Edit: Sent my girlfriend my post. She thanks everyone for pointing out the obvious and about how bad her behavior was towards me. Anyways she says you all are invited to the baby shower lol. | norajeans | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mgxjrd/gf_complains_ops_cooking_smells_like/ | mgxjrd | 4,861 | 147 | [
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2021-03-31T07:13:47 | Got 23andme to find out my ancestry breakdown, found out I have 4 half siblings instead. | r/23andme | ORIGINAL POST: Got 23andme to find out my ancestry breakdown, found out I have 4 half siblings instead. self.23andme submitted by anabananaxo (on r/23andm3)
Its 2:15am and I have been going crazy for the last three hours.
I got my ancestry breakdown. I thought it was super weird. I am a daughter of two Moroccan jews- I was expecting some European on there, but I ended up getting 55% European, 45% North African. I think – wow, thats way more than I was expecting? But it is normal to have European in there as a Sephardic jew, as I looked up similar results here.
I look at the DNA relatives section, not expecting to find anything. And bam. 4 siblings. 2 half sisters, 2 half brothers. 30% match on two, 26% match on the other two.
I laugh at first and think, no way this crap is right. I send it to my friend and she also cannot believe it and says it has to be innacurate, And I believed that too… for a few minutes until a few google searches led me to find out that nope, this is very accurate and the only "innacuracy" could be the relationship that is predicted. But they are all younger than me by a year or two. So they can't be my grandparent, aunt, etc.
I start panicking and I thought the worst. Did my dad cheat on my mom? Did my mom cheat on my dad? I was in this thought loop for a good while until I decided to do some rational thinking. These 4 people all have different last names and all live in different places. I also took a look at their DNA and theyre all basically 100% European. Also, my brother who is 8 years older than me knew I was taking the DNA test because he wanted to take one as well and I go, "well i wanted to do one, I’ll take one for the both of us!" (That didn't age well..) so I am assuming he does not know.
I started looking up the people on facebook. I sent my boyfriend pictures of them while we were on the phone, and he awkwardly goes “… yeah I can see a little bit of resemblance".
I started doing some rational thinking and have concluded that I am a sperm donor baby. At first I think with my head and go, "well, that doesn't really matter. My dad has always been my dad, genes really don't matter." And then it kinda hit me and now I can't stop crying. It shouldn't matter in the grand scheme of things. But I guess knowing I don't genetically share anything with my father, and possibly (very likely as i mentioned we are 8 years apart) only share half with my brother, really, really fucking hurts.
I guess the moral of the story is: don't do this test if you aren't prepared for it, because I sure wasn't. My brother was asleep as I got my results and my parents sleep very early. Tomorrow is going to be a...nice conversation. I also want to know if my brother was also a sperm baby or if my dad was able to have a kid at that point.
Oh, and I found out I had the two variants for Celiacs disease.
UPDATE: I reached out to my half siblings. One responded and confirmed that yes, we are all sperm donor babies. She even sent me the form the dude filled out when giving the sample, so I know a little bit about him. He has straight hair, blue eyes - makes sense seeing as my brother has a straight up afro and very dark eyes, which i attributed to luck of the draw and it maybe being a jew fro haha.
I don't think i'm going to tell my parents. I know most people wouldn't agree, but I got the answers I wanted. I'm not mad at them or anything. If anything, the fact that they went through this to have me means they really, really wanted me. I see no need in digging something up that probably kills them inside, especially my father. I felt pain, but it's probably no where near the pain he felt. And obviously, I would have wanted them to tell me. But they are under the sentiment that what you don't know doesn't hurt, which is honestly...very true at the age of 23 in this case (23and me had to get the name from somewhere i guess haha.) It was also very hush hush at this time period and looked down upon according to stuff i've read.
I spoke to my brother and he was not surprised at all and said he always was suspicious of it, which would have been nice for him to tell me of said suspicion when i told him i was taking the f**king test. He would overhear arguments and conversations about how expensive it was to have us and stuff like that. He always had the suspicion but never got it confirmed. He also got encouraged to take a DNA test as well!
I obviously do not intend on reaching out to the donor or anything, but I just want to see if I can find a photo. I don't have a name or anything like that, but i have his education information that I feel may be enough to figure it out with extra digging. I ordered an AncestryDNA test since they have a larger database and i can maybe find a direct relative of his. I just want to see how he looks like for closure. I look at myself and its weird not knowing how I got these features.
I feel a lot more at peace. Thank you guys for the support. Words can't describe how much I appreciate it. It really helped me on this journey ❤️ | haaskaalbaas | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mh0g1d/got_23andme_to_find_out_my_ancestry_breakdown/ | mh0g1d | 5,065 | 135 | [
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2021-03-31T13:08:27 | I (25M, 'straight') and my ex gf's (41F) husband (37M, straight..? ) bonded over her cheating on us, and I think I might be in love with him + UPDATE | AITA | [ORIGINAL](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ljbe16/i_25m_straight_and_my_ex_gfs_41f_husband_37m/) by u/ThrowRA6_
Throwaway because I don't want any of my irl friends seeing this (yet).
I know this sounds straight out of a movie or something. But I didn't know where else to go for advice without 'outing' myself.
I never really questioned my sexuality. Like, ever. It wasn't something I really thought about because I had honestly never been attracted to guys at all. I'm a proud ally, really. But I never thought I was a part of the community.
When I was 23, I began working at a fairly large advertising agency. I was put in a team with about 25-30 people. Candy (fake name) was a part of my team. She wasn't my boss, but was in a much higher position. I knew I had always had a thing for older women. And she was kind of the epitome of that fantasy. Like, very typically beautiful - blond hair and big boobs. She was the one who began the flirting, and I obviously didn't mind at all. One day, I decided to just go for it ask her if she would come over for dinner. She agreed. We had sex, and began a 'relationship'. It was mostly purely sexual. We didn't spend a lot of time in getting to know each other and stuff.
I guess I didn't know her at all, because she managed to never mention that she was married. I would never willingly sleep with a married woman, that goes against my morals, truly. The only reason I found out was because her husband had come home once when we were in the middle of making out.
That was the first time I saw him, let's call him strawberry. Strawberry is really beautiful. Like inexpressible levels of handsome. I felt floored the first time I saw him. I distinctly remember thinking that he was prettier than any woman I had ever seen. They had begun a loud argument (obviously), and it was embarrassing because all I could do was stare at him the whole time.
She'd kicked me out while begging him to not get a divorce. I wished he would. For most of the time after that, nothing really happened. I ended it with her over text a few hours later, and ignored her at work (she resigned sometime later). Still, I felt fairly guilty. He probably loved her, and playing a part in ruining that did not sit right with me. So a few days later, I went over to their house, in hopes that he would be there (not her.)
He was upset to see me, I could tell. But I told him I just wanted to apologise. And so we went inside the house and we talked for a really long time. She hadn't been a good wife for a long time (lot of lying, manipulation, distance, and more possible cheating) and apparently he wanted to end it a long time ago. That made me feel better. We ended up talking for a really long time, about things I don't really remember. I left, and wished him good luck for the divorce.
The next time he contacted me was about a month later, by a text. He got my number from Candy, told me he enjoyed my company. I asked him how we was doing and called him over to my place. I thought it would be awkward, in my tiny apartment with not much to entertain ourselves with, but it wasn't. He's so fun to talk to. We drank beers and hung out on the couch till we fell asleep.
He and I became scarily close in the last year, especially because I was with him throughout the whole divorce process. I actually moved into his house. When the pandemic hit and he found out I was immunocompromised, he offered to let me stay so I wouldn't have to step out. A lot of my friends had offered, but I went to stay with him.
The dilemma begins for me here.
I've never liked a man. I don't know what it's like and if it's different. I grew up in a liberal household but to actually experience these feelings is a lot more different. When I liked girls, it was like butterflies in my stomach. But with him, it's like a hurricane that makes me feel like I'll burst if I don't kiss him. I want to protect him, from his ex wife (she still tries to contact him) and any other thing that even tries to hurt him. And I want to make him laugh and smile and I want myself to be the only thing on his mind.
I tried watching gay porn. I didn't really feel attracted or any different. But I imagined him and I in that video. And that... I'll spare the dirty details. But it's not something that I can get off my mind.
So I imagined him if he were like a woman. I didn't like that image either.
And beyond his looks, he himself is such a kind and giving person. Just, one of those people who actually care about things beyond themselves. I feel like he makes me a better human.
So, how is it possible? That my sexuality bends for just one guy? I didn't know it was something that could happen.
His birthday is in a week. I wanted to write out this post because I want to take him out on a date.
I don't know if he likes men. He's effeminate, and often expresses his love for certain male actors. And I know that doesn't mean that he's into men. But Im really clinging on to any chance right now.
I know he cares for me. Maybe it's how he usually behaves with his friends, but the tenderness in the way he takes care of me is in a way that no male friend has ever done before. And I know he won't willingly hurt me. But a lot of friendships don't survive romantic feelings.
I cant really know if it'll be worth it to jeopardise my friendship with him over the way I feel. But, I guess if he doesn't feel the same, I want to be prepared for his reaction. How would a middle aged man react if his male friend tells him he likes him?
He's just gotten out of a marriage of 5 years. How will he feel about dating? I'm afraid that I will put him in a position where he isn't ready for a relationship. How can I let him know that I want him to be comfortable? And that this is about him, not me. Sometimes I fear that he still resents me for ruining his marriage.
I know it's stupid that I'm asking for advice about what seems like a Does My Crush Like Me? case. But there's just so many other factors to consider here. I hadn't talked to anyone else about it so getting it off my chest also feels great.
TL;DR : Wondering if asking the guy (who's marriage I ruined) out on a date is a good idea.
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/m0frqs/update_i_25m_straight_and_my_ex_gfs_41f_husband/)
TL;DR: I ruined his marriage, but hopefully I'll give him a better relationship instead?
Okay, wow, hello, I do know that it has been a really long time, and I doubt a lot of people remember my post, but I did promise everyone an update, so here it is. A lot has happened in a short time, ever since my last post.
It is a long read. I honestly didn't even realise how much I had written until after I was done with it. Lol.
Well, at that point in time, all I wanted to do was take him out for a date on his birthday, and make it as special as possible. After reading all of your replies, I decided against doing so. There was a lot that I needed to uncover before taking that step, so I held myself back. He spent his birthday with his friends (small gathering I think). It stung a little. But, we ended up facetiming anyways. So I guess I didn't really mind much.
Apologies that I didn't clarify this in the previous post, but I moved back to my own apartment midway through January. I had only moved into his house last year when the first lockdown was announced, and then in September, because the particular area of my complex was declared a dangerous zone due to a sudden surge in cases. Of course, I was still in touch with him through video calls and such, we had only seen each other physically maybe once or twice since I moved back.
Basically, from what I could gather off of what all of you told me, I realised that it would probably be a good idea for me to take some time to understand my relationship with him before doing something erratic. I began seeing a therapist (I saw a therapist when I was younger as well, and my family had been saying it would be good to go now as well), and from our sessions I tried to understand if my feelings for him 'real' or more of an impulsive thing because of the whole cheating situation. In short, she and I had discussions about him as a person, our age gap, shared trauma/trauma bonding (some of you suggested that, thank you!) etc. and how that may have impacted how I viewed him. While it made me reflect more upon our relationship, it wasn't exactly something that changed my feelings for him (we still kept in touch.) My therapist thought that I should trust myself if I believed that I genuinely liked him, but still hold off from pursuing a relationship. I was kind of upset at that, but whatever.
Again, because of you guys (and my therapist) him and I began talking about things that I guess we had ignored? His relationship with his ex, my relationship with her, how he felt about her, how happy he was in their marriage, why he felt no anger towards me, etc. (Like I said he'd suspected her cheating before as well, and general began feeling upset with how she treated him, but didn't feel like his feelings were 'valid' enough to leave. And ever since then he had begun directing his anger towards her more than anything.) He agreed that perhaps our relationship (the basis of it) was unusual, but he told me didn't want me to think that he was friends with me for some ulterior motive or unsaid vengeance, and he appreciated my company more than anything. I told him that it might be a good idea for him to see a therapist as well. (He does see one, now.)
Other than that, without boring you with the details, I talked to him about sexuality/sexual ambiguity, the lgbt+ community, and other things you guys said that I should find out about him and his attitudes of being gay if I did choose to ask him out. He figured out the sudden change in topic lol, so he asked if I was questioning my sexuality. I told him maybe, but I wasn't sure. He told me he'd support me however he could. (We ended up having a lot of conversations about masculinity and stuff - he's a mix of feminine and masculine in a way that wouldn't make his sex clear at first glance? Like, he has a fit build with typically masculine body features, but he's also thin and has typically feminine facial features? And how he wasn't sure if every time he looked at a masculine man it was out of attraction or envy lol.) I also thought about what some of you said… figuring out my sexuality with online tests/putting a label. But I honestly came to the conclusion (like most of you said) that I didn't necessarily have any interest in doing that and it wasn't important to figure out exactly what I was (at least for right now). Anywys, all I knew is that he might not be interested in men, but he was definitely not a bigot either.
I also finally told one of my best friends. She's a lesbian, and she was understandably excited about my new gay feelings, lol. She thought that unless I was romanticising the time I spent with him, there's a solid chance he liked me back. So I guess, I was just like...? Yeah. I mean, I didn't have any doubts about my feelings for him, and my therapist basically told me that it's unlikely this is me projecting an unhealthy relationship dynamic on him. I was like yeah, let me tell him how I feel.
During one of our facetime calls (it wasn't becoming a schedule or something but we talked often on call after I went back to my own apartment) I took one of yours' advice, and basically told him that hey, I hate the situation we met in but you've become important for me, and the way you've supported me makes me feel amazing, and sometimes I feel like the way we act is how I have imagined my dream relationship to be like, and I really wouldn't mind if that was with you, so if there's even a tiny chance that you feel the same, let me take you out for dinner.
He told me that he was very flattered to have someone like me feel that way about him, but he's not thought about feelings for a long time and he isn't sure how to respond. I told him he doesn't have to say anything. So he told me that he, at least for now, will say no to the date. I told him that I was equally glad with that answer. I didn't say much after that, because honestly what was I supposed to, lmao. It was very awkward. But he began looking upset, and that made me feel bad, because obviously, the first thing I thought was that I'd jeopardised our friendship. So I asked him if he was okay. He told me that he lied, and how he hates lying about his feelings? And a bunch of other stuff that wasn't really making sense. I was confused, and I asked him if he was mad at me. He told me he was saying yes to the date.
We didn't go out because covid lmao, but he came over to mine and we had a fun dinner. I wouldn't say it was awkward... but like shy? I didn't know how to behave with him, lol. Still, it was a good date.
The date was only last night so I'm kind of shaking as I type this lol, it's embarrassing. We kissed haha. I mean it only lasted for maybe 5 seconds, but it was still really good. He told me he wanted to take it slow. No rushing and no sudden decisions, especially no moving in to each other's houses lol. I said I didn't mind as long as he liked me.
I know there's a lot more to think about. Things that go way beyond my feelings; I've only been in two other serious relationships (I don't want to sound very fuckboy-like, but a lot of my relationships were like the one I had with his ex wife... mostly sexual with the rare sprinkle of feelings), and in no relationship with a man. I know it's not much different, but there's also bigger things I need to think about. Coming out, explaining to my parents and (other) friends, having sex with him (I have gay friends but again, I've never slept with a man), what this means for my own sexuality and stuff. And if we became more serious (which we hopefully will), understanding his culture (he's half-Japanese), understanding him, keeping this healthy even when we don't see each other irl, and how his view on serious relationships has changed ever since his divorce, etc. They're not necessarily worries, but it's things that I'll need to address that I'm not thinking about right now
Still, I cant thank all of you enough for the support. The only reason I know I'm doing this right is because the advice you gave to me. If I acted as impulsively as I wanted to, I wouldn't have ended up like this, I'm sure of that. I'm gonna keep seeing my therapist, but except for that, I guess I just have to figure out how to maintain the good relationship with him.
Thanks a lot :)
EDIT: Thank you for so many sweet comments! They mean a lot and are honestly all a courtesy to reddit lol, wouldn't have happened without the initial advice. I'm going to log out of this account finally, but might as well come back if I need more advice! Haha, this subreddit is more helpful than I realised it would be. I know there's people who don't believe me, and yes it bothered me for a while because it felt a direct attack on my feelings. Which wasn't something I appreciated. I've decided I'm just going to let it go. | red_earaches | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mh5qrr/i_25m_straight_and_my_ex_gfs_41f_husband_37m/ | mh5qrr | 15,190 | 244 | [
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2021-03-31T14:04:48 | OP wants to know AITA if they tell their fiancee that if her cousin gets married on their wedding day they won't be welcome at their wedding | AITA | [deleted] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mh6tgs/op_wants_to_know_aita_if_they_tell_their_fiancee/ | mh6tgs | 9 | 458 | [
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2021-04-01T00:30:58 | Update: AITA for always wanting the bottom bunk? OP hits her lowest, then aims for a different low | AITA | *Repost. Originally posted to r/AmITheAsshole by u/Apprehensive_Tart965.*
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/kltw8z/aita_always_wanting_the_bottom_bunk/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
AITA always wanting the bottom bunk
Ok, so, throwaway account cause this is a bit embarrassing. I (f19) share a room with my younger sister (f18). Because the room is relatively small, we share a bunkbed. We're pretty used to this arrangement, as we've had it since we were 13 and 14 respectively, and had an arrangement where we would swap the top bunk between us every month.
The issue is, since we were 13 and 14, both of us have gained a lot of weight, so getting into the top bunk is...difficult. It's especially difficult for me, as I'm considerably heavier, to the point where I physically can't make it onto the top bunk without exhausting myself totally, and climbing down is a pretty harrowing experience. As a result, I told my sister that I wanted the bottom bunk indefinitely until I can get my weight back down to a level I can climb up there without worrying I'm going to break it or myself. Obviously, losing weight can be quite a long slow process, especially when previously you've had alifestyle as unhealthy as mine, but this has been a real wake-up-call for me. She said it's not a fair arrangement because she struggles climbing up as well, but it's totally not the same- she's slimmer than me, more physically fit, and I think a fair bit stronger. I don't doubt it's difficult but I've never seen her as totally winded as I am after climbing up, or heard the bed creak like it does with me on it. I said it's non-negotiable, and I'm not sleeping in the top bunk until I've lost around 30lbs. She's called me selfish and unsympathetic, and it's my fault for getting so out of shape. We haven't spoken, aside from in really stilted terms, since we first had that conversation
I know it's petty but AITA? On one hand I hate putting her in difficult situation, but on the other hand I don't think it's as dangerous for her as it is for me, and I really don't think I fit on the couch.
ALSO, it's really difficult talking about my weight in difficult terms, so please stow your comments about that. I know it's unhealthy, I know I shouldn't have let it get to this point, but I'm trying to work on it and I don't need reddit to tell me what I already know.
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/mhfhpq/update_aita_for_always_wanting_the_bottom_bunk/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
Ok so, a while ago I posted this: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/kltw8z/aita\_always\_wanting\_the\_bottom\_bunk/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/kltw8z/aita_always_wanting_the_bottom_bunk/)
I got told, pretty decisively, that I was TA, which was hard to take, but looking back on it was right. Posting was one of the most humiliating things I've ever done, and I was just super depressed at the time due to various things, so maybe my judgement was off.
Anyway, after beefing with my sister for a couple of days, I apologised to her and agreed to sleep on the floor. Genuinely a low point in my life, being too fat to climb into bed. But luckily, that was as low as things got. After a few nights on the floor, I started trying to eat right and take some gentle exercise. Then moved on to more regular, intense exercise, and am happy to say that in the three months since I posted, I've lost almost 50 pounds. I'm still overweight, but I am no longer obese, and can now climb into the bunkbed without getting winded or worrying I'm going to crush someone. My sister has also started losing weight so who has the top bunk is getting less of an issue, but damn it feels good. I'm moving out in a few months, and I promise I'm going to do it as a woman who can sleep in any top bunk she has to! | HoodiesAndHeels | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mhjmoc/update_aita_for_always_wanting_the_bottom_bunk_op/ | mhjmoc | 3,935 | 413 | [
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2021-04-01T14:25:51 | Man Inadvertently Suggests To Hire His Wife's Competitors For A Dinner Party, They Learn To Communicate Better | AITA | [Original Post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/mcf9jy/aita_for_offering_to_hire_a_catererplanner_for_a/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
AITA for offering to hire a caterer/planner for a fancy dinner party instead of planning it all myself?
Okay, I have been married to my wife for almost 15yrs. A few years back we went through a rough patch. I was working long weeks trying to move up in my field & we made the joint decision for her to be a SAHM. And though I was working 6 days a week, I tried to give my wife as much free time as possible.
Still things were rocky & after 18ish months she started saying she wanted to be more social. We moved out of the country a little before we had our twins so it was understandable. Being dumb, I decided to surprise her with a dinner party. I invited some guys from work & their wives over. All without, you know, considering that someone would have to host this dinner party & that someone would end up being my wife. (Don’t worry. I accepted responsibility of being dumb.) Nevertheless, my wonderful wife did put together a lovely dinner party & discovered a love for planning events.
A few months after, she decided to go back to school for hospitality so that she could be an event coordinator. We arranged for part time care of our girls & after graduating she found a job in her field. 5 years later, she’s moved to another company & is currently up for a promotion & has been schmoozing her bosses & high level clients & she wants to have a party at our new home.
Here’s where IMBTA
Since I have been working so many fewer hours in the last 2ish years, I’m home earlier than my wife is & a lot of my work can be done remotely. So she would like me to handle planning & set-up for the dinner. I’m fine with this. However I am not good at planning events - I’m the guy who hires someone like my wife to plan parties for them. I’m happy to hire a caterer & someone to come put some tablecloths & random vases of flowers around to make the place look nice. But I don’t have an eye for those kinds of things myself. After offering this, my wife acted like I’d just shown Nanny Ruth the family jewels, saying how horrible it would look if I hired her company’s competitor to come host a party at our house, that I had to do it myself.
I was a little miffed but the girls were in the living room in ear shot so I told her alright well then I’d need her to at LEAST give me a checklist of things to do. Well that turned into how I clearly don’t respect her or her profession, I’ve always looked down on her for not being as “smart”, how I don’t pay attention to her job or I’d know what went into planning a party & I’d be able to handle a simple dinner event.
I honestly had no idea what sort of minefield I had just walked myself into. I was at a loss so I herded my girls upstairs so I could try to talk to my wife. But it’s been 45m & she’s still on FaceTime with her sisters after not wanting to talk.
I don’t think I’ve ever done or said anything to make my wife think that I look down on her job. I try to be as supportive as I can. But maybe she’s right and I’m not doing enough.
Give it to me straight. If I’m really being the asshole please tell me so I can go grovel at my wife’s feet.
ETA: (I hope this is allowed) Because people keep saying this. I truly had not considered what I suggested to be a bad look on her because I wasn’t exactly suggesting her direct competitor. Wifey works at one of those companies that does everything - they have in house bakers, caterers, planners, a band, florist, etc. I was only planning to hire a restaurant to cater food and maybe someone to help me decorate. I am already planning to apologize profusely.
[Update Post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/mhk7a4/update_to_aita_for_offering_to_hire_a/)
So since I last posted I have had a chance to talk to my wife and I have a game plan in place.
I followed your advice and the first morning after our argument and after our girls went to school I did sit down and apologize to my wife. I told her I was so sorry to have made her feel that I wasn’t being supporting enough. I cleared up the suggestion of hiring the competition and explained what I meant more clearly. I also gave her the floor and asked if she could tell me why she’d been so upset - if it was just because of the suggesting a competitor thing or if there was something else going on, that she could talk to me about anything.
She has another coworker, whom I will nickname Kayla, who is also up for the same promotion and only one of them will get it. The day of our argument, Kayla had snuck in her fiancé to set up a big brunch/lunch thing for the office. Of course my wife is stressed and she has been working very hard for this promotion, so her thought process was that I needed to step up and do the same as Kayla’s fiancé did.
However, I pointed out that we knew Kayla and knew her fiancé - and he is the main manager in charge of running a large-ish hotel in our city. Part of his job is also managing events that they have at the hotel, which happen often because the hotel is gorgeous and the perfect backdrop for weddings, conferences, fundraising dinners, etc. It clicked in her mind that my skill levels were not on par with Kayla’s fiancé.
We talked and I made us something to eat and then drove her to the office, even walked her inside and carried her coffee for her. I got to meet a few new faces and my wife also introduced me to the newest member of her team who is still learning the ropes. With my wife’s prior approval, I asked the new team member if he’d be willing to let me hire him just as a consultant on a dinner party - I need a little help with the color schemes and flowers as I’m red/green color blind.
You all were right about the communication being lacking and how I was being insensitive about suggesting a competitor - even if it wasn’t exactly my intention (circling back to communication). I also severely underestimated myself and my abilities and was writing it off as something I just couldn’t do rather than a puzzle to work out with some effort.
So yeah. It ended up just being my stupidity and lack of clear communication with my wife, and partially a little over expectations from my wife but with as much as she’s been working and as stressed as she’s been, it’s completely forgivable.
I just wanted to update you all and thank you for helping me see that I was way underestimating myself. I thought I was supporting my wife in every way I could but I was failing in the way she needed me and the way it counted. We’ve rectified the situation and I’m now confident that I can pull this dinner party off (with a little help here or there from my consultant... and Pinterest.) Thank you so much.
U/ophelieasfire found this ETA for us from OP:
“I hope it’s okay to add this edit. It seemed necessary because so many people seem to think that two 3,000 character limit posts give you enough insight into my relationship to deem me a battered husband. My wife is in NO way abusive towards me whatsoever. She is a human being who sometimes gets stressed and overwhelmed and overreacts. That does not make her abusive or a terrible person - it simply makes her imperfect and so are we all.
I am not always great at knowing what details are relevant and with the character limit that also makes it extra hard. My wife DID apologize to me as well. She accepted her part of the blame for our whole argument. She apologized to me and we had a very good talk. I do understand where others are coming from and assuming that she’s controlling. But 6,000 characters is a difficult constraint when trying to get enough relevant information across an internet platform. So for that I apologize - I am still working on some of my communication skills.
My wife is a kind and gentle and thoughtful and compassionate person. She leaves me post it notes hidden through the house with love notes and reminds me when I’m low how much she loves/appreciates me and is a terrific wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend. Please accept that she is also human and also makes mistakes; just as I accept this about her, she accepts it about me as well. I make my fair share of mistakes and overreactions just like she does and she always handles it with Grace, I’m simply trying to do the same for her.” | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mhwfzl/man_inadvertently_suggests_to_hire_his_wifes/ | mhwfzl | 8,498 | 275 | [
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2021-04-01T19:25:41 | OP is a doctor working in a hospital, and has bought her own personal protective equipment to work with COVID patients. The hospital doesn't agree with this and confiscates them. | r/medicine | *This is a repost. The original* *post* *is by* u/aevictory.
To know before reading: PAPRs are [Powered Air-Purifying Respirators](https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/hcp/ppe-strategy/powered-air-purifying-respirators-strategy.html), which are "casks" that protect from infectious disease that can be spread by aerosol, like COVID-19. [Fit tests](https://ohsonline.com/Articles/2004/05/Respirator-Fit-Testing-Requirements-and-Procedures.aspx) are basically tests to see if a respirator (or even a mask) is correctly fitting on someone's face, and are a necessary step.
# [Hospital confiscated PAPRs](https://www.reddit.com/r/medicine/comments/k5s8lz/hospital_confiscated_paprs/)
I bought four NIOSH medical grade covid-resistant PAPRs to use at work. The hospital said they weren’t allowed. I used them anyway and let nurses use them. The hospital PAPRs had all recently expired. Now the hospital has confiscated them. They won’t let me have them back unless I promise not to use them (!). I resigned, obviously. I called the police and they’re not sure if it’s a criminal matter. How do I get them back?
Model: optrel Clearmaxx value $1100
Now they’re threatening to confiscate 3m half face respirators too.
Hospital is MidMichigan Alpena in Alpena, MI
Edit: Did I mention that I’m physician of the year and VP of med exec? And I do ICU?
Update: Not sure if I'm supposed to use a new post or edit this one. PAPRs returned.I contacted an attorney who didn't want the case but advised to give a leave date and then leave. I didn't sleep all day. Went to work tonight, felt poorly. I told the chief that I am unfit to work and he said he knows I will do the right thing. I handed him the phone and my ID badge and left. Waiting to see if the police come to drag me back to work. I'm going to go to sleep. As stated, I am impaired at this time and unfit to work.
*From the comment section:*
**Commenter 1**: Why did you buy your own PPE? Is your hospital not providing the correct type?
**OP**: I have never been fit tested. I bought a box of the respirators I was fit tested for in February and used them, then a full face mask p100 or K95 I bought myself. The hospital doesn’t stock the respirators I was fit tested for. I didn’t want to use up valuable N95s so I have used my own respiratory protection for the entire pandemic. I wore a full face p100 for intubations beginning in March. I was told it scared patients. I studied the OSHA rules and found out it was allowed and covered the exhalation valve.
**Commenter 2**: What's the logic in not allowing you to bring your own PPE? You're saving them money. Not to mention the fact that their equipment is expired...
**OP**: "Yeah. That’s what I said. They said the hospital system hadn’t specifically approved the model of papr. I showed them the niosh certificate, the joint commission ruling that staff can bring their own ppe, and said it was illegal for them to not allow us to use them. That’s when they got confiscated"
# [Update: hospital confiscated PAPRs](https://www.reddit.com/r/medicine/comments/k9199f/update_hospital_confiscated_paprs/)
I packed my clothes and cat and left Alpena. I slept a lot and ate a lot. One PAPR and my stethoscope are still locked in the Alpena hospital. I still have to tell my landlords I don’t need the rental house and actually move my possessions. I’m in the process of getting a casual Covid position at another hospital. Two law firms turned down the case. I still worry about all of the patient care staff being inadequately protected. I am relieved that I am no longer a part of the system putting their lives at risk. In a mass casualty incident the first task is to not make more casualties.
# [Update: hospital stole PAPRs](https://www.reddit.com/r/medicine/comments/km394s/update_hospital_stole_paprs/)
I got fit tested today at a new hospital. It was my first fit test in over four years. The model respirator I’ve been using failed. I’ve carefully conserved and have used ten for the pandemic. I used a half face elastomeric respirator, full face model, or PAPR for every intubation and prolonged interaction with a COVID patient. I cried after my fit test. Joy from getting a respirator that fits, and sorrow that it took so long. They gave me a flu shot too. Thank you all for your support. If you are working at a hospital putting your health and your body on the line, you don’t have to. | dracapis | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mi2x2b/op_is_a_doctor_working_in_a_hospital_and_has/ | mi2x2b | 4,421 | 209 | [
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2021-04-01T21:15:18 | Is OP TA for criticizing their cousin with cancer shaving her head? Is the cousin just being dramatic? Or is there something else going on? | AITA | #OG Post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/md4fke
I know the title sounds terrible, but please read first before judging!
A few months ago, my cousin, whom I am close with, was diagnosed with breast cancer. She was extremely lucky though, because it was caught very early, it had not spread, and she had a lumpectomy to remove the tumor. The last I knew, she was recovering wonderfully and the doctors believed she was "in the clear" and making a full recovery, other than needing to go in for frequent check-ups for awhile. So so so thankful!!!
However, yesterday, I was shocked to see she posted one of those videos with emotional music of her husband shaving her head, discussing about her fight. Immediately I panicked and called her, thinking something happened and they found it had returned. When I asked her what happened and if she was okay she said she was fine but sounded annoyed. So I pressed further... what happened? I saw you shaved your head! Do you need chemo? Is it back? Etc. She again insisted she was fine. So I flat out asked her why she cut her hair then. To which she replied, "It's what you do when you have cancer!"
I got really confused at first, but then remarked something along the lines of "That's wonderful that you are shaving out of solidarity of everyone fighting!" She huffed again and said No, she didn't do it out of solidarity. She had to cut her hair and she was annoyed that she had to and complained for a solid 5 minutes about how she was going to take care of a bald head, she was going to look awful with short hair, will constantly need to wear hats this summer, etc.
I am completely baffled at this point, and I'll admit, I was a little annoyed. I don't take cancer or treatment lightly! So I said "Cousin, people don't cut their hair just because they have cancer, they cut it because they are going to undergo a treatment that will make their hair fall out. Your treatment was done. You had no reason to cut your hair. If you did it in a show of support that's fine too. But you have no right to complain or be annoyed when you CHOSE to cut it and then post a video about it to gain sympathy because you did so."
She told me I was being a "witch" and yelled at me for not supporting her and how could I be so unkind. Now... I was by her side for every appointment when she was diagnosed and her husband couldn't be there. I was there for a few days post surgery to help her and her family out. I always have and always will support her. But this is not that at all! I feel like I'm losing my mind because she just doesn't understand that having cancer automatically = cut your hair, no matter what, even if you're already (as far as you know) recovered?!
So... I might be TA because - simply put, I got snippy with a cancer patient for cutting her hair. But I feel like I'm not since it wasn't necessary to do in the first place? AITA?
UPDATE: WOW! I can't believe this had so many reactions! For now, I am just leaving her be, and hopefully she will come to me when she is ready and we can figure out what's really going on! If we do, I will be sure to post an update!
Also, to the people who told me I was judging her and it's not my place what she does with your hair... I would just like to clarify that I told her "why" people with cancer cut their hair because I feel like she should know that cancer does not automatically = cutting your hair. I wasn't telling her she shouldn't cut it - that's her choice, BUT what I WAS telling her is she shouldn't complain about having done it, since she did this of her own free will. Regardless, I have admitted in several comments that I did not handle it correctly and this was still not the best response, and I own that, 100%.
#OG Update: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/mhwuq1
My Original post got a lot more responses than I thought and had a lot of people calling my cousin an idiot, so I just wanted to give an update! Some of you said her head was not in the right place, and some of you also asked about her husband, and it was a combination of those that turned out to be the truth.
It had been about a week and my cousin called me to come over and talk to her. When I got there I immediately apologized for my reaction to her actions and I assured her that will ALWAYS support her no matter what, and that I was just confused/in shock and I didn't think before I spoke.
She started bawling and told me how she felt like she was so stupid for doing what she did. She told me that ever since her cancer diagnosis, she feels like she's just been walking around feeling lost. She was so concerned about the repercussions on her family, on her daughter, that she had all this building on her and then when she was told she was practically in the clear, rather than having a weight lifted off her shoulders, she just kept feeling like she had to "keep looking behind her waiting for the scary monster to pop back out" and that she also has guilt because she "got off easy" (her words not mine)
Unfortunately, she chose to express these feelings to her husband who convinced her that shaving her head would help. A bunch of bull about how it would help her feel more in control and would be empowering. As I said in some comments, her husband is very much "woe is me" so I'm sure him getting a chance to show how he was just oh, so, supportive as a husband was right up his alley. He ultimately was the one that took the video, added the music and posted it on her page.
In no uncertain terms, I told her that her husband is an idiot lol. And that she should have probably have asked someone else's opinion first - heck, even her 13 year old would have talked her out of shaving her head for goodness sake. Lol
We spent a long time looking at pictures of celebrities who had shaved their heads and how they styled it as it grew back to help her, and I offered to go help her get some wigs if she wanted to as well, and that, regardless she is still beautiful and she can totally own a bald look! I also recommend that she speak to someone professional about what she is feeling. She agreed this was a good idea, and will start looking for someone.
Ultimately, we are in a great place! | SmoSays | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mi58f8/is_op_ta_for_criticizing_their_cousin_with_cancer/ | mi58f8 | 6,250 | 179 | [
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2021-04-01T21:58:01 | Neighbour's kid leaves his mobile on OP's lawn. OP runs over it with the mower. | LegalAdvice | [deleted] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mi6376/neighbours_kid_leaves_his_mobile_on_ops_lawn_op/ | mi6376 | 9 | 676 | [
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2021-04-02T01:50:42 | OP agreed to be a surrogate for their sister. Regrets it a few days later. | Relationship_Advice | [deleted] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/miabib/op_agreed_to_be_a_surrogate_for_their_sister/ | miabib | 9 | 232 | [
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2021-04-02T05:52:58 | Aunt Is Trying To Teach 13yo Niece Internet Safety But Niece Just Isn't Getting It | AITA | [Original Post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/mf7ca8/aita_for_deactivating_my_nieces_social_media_when/)
AITA for deactivating my niece's social media when she refused to do an internet safety course?
I have custody of my sister's daughter, a 13 year old. She became old enough for social media a few months ago and I let her create profiles on her birthday.
I said the condition was that she make her accounts private, and only accept follows/friend requests from people she knows. She showed me her accounts, which were set to private, so I believed her. I also followed her, so I could see what she was posting, which she agreed to.
A couple weeks ago I decided to check her profile, as I hadn't seen one of her posts in a while, despite her being on there all the time. It's public, not private, so she changed her settings, and I'm no longer following her. I'm assuming I was softblocked as I can still see her profile. However, the part that concerned me most was her bio. She has her full date of birth, full name, town name, ethnicity, other info about her, and photos of her and her friends in their school uniforms, with the school crest visible.
I told her why this was a problem, but she responded that it wasn't a problem. I told her she has 2 options: take an internet safety course, or delete/deactivate all her profiles. She chose the first option. I paid for a short course (an estimated 4 hours to complete).
It took a couple days, at which point she told me she'd taken the course and passed with flying colours, even showing me the certificate that said she passed. I gave it a day, checked her profile, and it was exactly the same, except I was blocked, and had to go on incognito to check it. I also checked the course website and it said that "you" (as in the user) spent 17 minutes on the course.
That was the last straw, so I told her to delete/deactivate everything, and I put software on the PC, which I've used to block social media. I can't do much about apps on her phone but it's something.
She's told my mother what I've done, and mum is outraged. Says I had no right to take away her social media, that I should reinstate it, and apologise for being paranoid and controlling and let her make her own choices about her personal safety. I've said she's 13 with no concept of internet safety, she can have social media back when she understands how any aspect of online safety works. My mother feels this is unreasonable and that I have moved the goalposts as she completed the course like I asked, but there's no way she completed a 4 hour course in less than 20 minutes. Mum says she's 13, not a little kid, and I need to trust that she knows what she's doing. I said she has to earn that trust first, and mum again accused me of moving the goalposts and said her completing the course should have earned that trust.
AITA for not letting her have social media?
Edit: to be clear, this is more about my conflict with my mother, and her accusations of me being controlling. I don't expect anyone to call a 13 year old an a-hole.
Also, to clarify a few things: I'm a woman. My niece's mother is my older sister. My sister, and my niece's father, are both uninvolved in her life, which is why I have sole custody and have legally adopted her. The mother I mentioned above is my mother, who is also my niece's grandmother.
[Update Post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/mi2iz6/update_aita_for_deactivating_my_nieces_social/)
Short version is I let my 13 year old niece, who I adopted, have social media. She went against my conditions for having it, so I asked her to take an internet safety course, which she faked attending. When I realised she faked it I had her delete all of her social media. She told my mother, who called me a controlling and unreasonable arsehole, saying my niece knew what she was doing.
It's been a few days. I read through every comment on my original post, and saw all your feedback, particularly the parts about my niece being unlikely to trust me after this.
I sat my niece down one final time. I talked to her again about all the information she wanted to add, trying to explain again why it was a bad idea to put her full name, her date of birth, location, and whatever else online. She still didn't believe that it could be dangerous.
So I asked her what information she wanted to put exactly. She told me. I googled it. The entire first page of results was all about her, or my sister (her mother), or me. It showed her school website, as she's been mentioned in the newsletter. Her full name also brought up her personal phone number, and a website for details of the adoption. I then showed her what was linked with my name, despite my very careful social media presence. The results included a background check website that listed all my former names, my number, my address (where we currently live), and more behind a paywall.
She now completely understands what I was trying to tell her. We worked out a new deal. She's allowed social media, but instead of all the information she wanted to add she's only allowed her star sign and that she's a minor. She can give a location but it has to be our county, not our town. Her profile will be on private and she can only link up with people she knows IRL. I will follow her from a fake account, so her friends don't see her aunt on her friend lists. These restrictions will lessen in due time. If she does anything to screw it up, it all gets deactivated again, and we won't even revisit the topic of social media until she's 15.
As for my mother, I called her and told her to back off. I said that I have custody of my niece, so I make the decisions, and mum doesn't get to make that harder for me. That if she really thought my niece putting her full name, date of birth, location, etc, online was safe, she's an idiot, and it pisses me off that the only times I hear from her, it's so she can tell me that I'm doing something wrong, when she herself was given the chance to adopt my niece and refused. Mum essentially said that she can't believe I'd treat her like this and I shouldn't expect to hear from her for a while. | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mie2pl/aunt_is_trying_to_teach_13yo_niece_internet/ | mie2pl | 6,203 | 190 | [
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2021-04-02T15:50:15 | Dad Suspects Daughters Mom Is Using Drugs Again, Has To Call The Cops | AITA | [Original Post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/kaau5m/aita_for_calling_police_on_ex/)
AITA For Calling Police on Ex?
My ex (35) had custody of our daughter (9)... until I discovered that my ex was neglecting my daughter by using drugs and living in horrific conditions. I won custody of my daughter when she was 7. Her mother was a heavy meth user for a long time, I came to find out. She hid it from nearly everyone, and of the time I suspected it, I didn't have proof until I came across video evidence of it on my daughter's tablet. During our custody battle, my ex got clean. I was very happy about this, as I wanted my daughter to have her mother in her life. My ex got a job making good money, moved away from her abusive meth head dealer boyfriend, and was finally trying to make something of herself.
Well, the last few months, my ex was finally allowed unsupervised visits. Every visit there was a ton of drama. She was late picking up our daughter (16 hours late once!), she slept for 24 hours straight, leaving our daughter to fend for herself for food. Our daughter had to call her grandma to pick her up because she couldn't wake up mommy. She lost her job due to "being sick." She constantly has an excuse for why she is late or unavailable. She once had a "friend" bring my daughter back in a car that had a breathalyzer in it to keep it running. (I discovered this guy had 5 warrants out for his arrest due to meth.)
This last visit, however, is where I think I might've been the asshole. My ex was 4 hours late picking up our daughter, yet again, and then had a 2 hour drive back to where she lives. I checked my daughter's phone GPS to see if she had made it to her mother's safely, only to discover they weren't even halfway there yet. Her mother stopped at a random gas station off the interstate for TWO HOURS and left our daughter alone in the car.
I couldn't believe it when I talked to my daughter on the phone. So of course I called the police to do a welfare check. Before the police could arrive, I checked with my daughter again to see if her mother had returned. She had. I relayed this information to dispatch. They still chased her down. All I was told is that my daughter was okay.
After my daughter returned from visitation, she told my wife about the incident. This is where I feel terrible: daughter said the police put her in the back of the squad car as her mother and car were searched. She was terrified. That was never my intention. I just wanted to make sure she was safe, because I was 99% sure there was some sort of drug deal/use going down, especially with recent behavior. Her lawyer even withdrew from counsel this week after a drug test was ordered. My suspicions are through the roof. So, AITA?
Edit: Some are under the assumption that I haven't fought tooth and nail for 2 years to keep sole custody of my daughter. The battle is still ongoing, but I'm not a mother, so therefore I am treated as less in family court.
[Update Post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/mi7gip/update_aita_for_calling_police_on_ex/)
It's been since December when the initial drug test was ordered for my ex thanks to the events of several visitations and the situations she placed my daughter in (who is 10 now). The second court date, when my ex failed to show or present a drug test, the court ordered my ex's visitation rights to be suspended until she could provide a negative hair follicle. By the third court date, the judge decided to place a no contact order on my ex, which was a huge relief. My ex has failed to show to the other five court hearings after, so it was decided her failure to take a drug test will now be considered a presumptive positive. In the mean time, my lawyer filed a motion for 100% legal custody (already had physical) of my daughter and give my wife power of attorney over my daughter. This was just granted yesterday, especially when an expert witness, my own daughter testifying against her mother (which I honestly never thought she would do), and my own testimony.
My daughter's mother has been MIA since the beginning of December. The last I heard from my ex-MIL, she couldn't even afford to have her electricity turned on. I'm furious her mother has placed so much stress on our daughter. That she has hurt her so thoroughly that my kid said today, off the cuff, that she will never forgive her mother. My wife and I didn't even know how to reply to that, so we just nodded in understanding because she is allowed her feelings.
I no longer feel like the AH. I did at first, because of how upset my daughter was. I felt it was entirely my fault. I hated seeing her so upset. I know everything I've done is to protect her from the disaster that is her mother. And I am extremely disappointed that her mother has just decided to not fight for her kid anymore. Just give up and not even show to court. I have a feeling I won't be hearing anything from her mother.
Thank you for all your replies to the previous post. I know many people were pushing for court, which I already had planned, but the court moves slowly. Now you know the outcome. | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/min2gi/dad_suspects_daughters_mom_is_using_drugs_again/ | min2gi | 5,164 | 362 | [
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2021-04-02T22:25:13 | OP (15m) shares a bed with his best friend (15m) and is confused about feelings (includes the most wholesome update!) | Relationship_Advice | **THIS IS A REPOST!!**
[Original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/mhe0pi/im15_shared_a_bed_with_my_best_friendm15_and_now/) by [u/ThrowRAplshelpsorry](https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRAplshelpsorry/)
I’ve known Will for pretty much my whole life and we’re really close. He lives really close by so we hang out pretty much every day. A few days ago I stayed over at his house since we’re on a break from school, and usually I’d sleep on the couch in the living room, but Will’s sister was in there with her friends, so Will said that I could just share the bed with him for the night.
He’s got a small bed but I didn’t want to be weird so I stayed right at the edge. He told me I could relax and kinda pulled me in toward him so I wasn’t about to fall off the bed. I was surprised but cool with it so I just joked: “Oh, so we’re the kind of friends that spoon, huh?” And Will just laughed and said: “Are we now?” and he sorta wrapped his arm around me and hugged me.
I noticed that he smelled good and I kinda liked being held by him, but maybe I’m just touch-starved or something, my parents don’t really do physical affection. We fell asleep like that and I left the next morning.
Last night, I stayed over and the couch was available this time, but Will said that I could just stay with him again if I wanted to. And of course I wanted to, so I said yes and we got in his bed. We joke with each other a lot so I grabbed him and pulled him in close to me and did a really dramatic sniff of his hair and said something stupid like “Mmmm, tasty.” He laughed and I expected him to shove me off, but instead he took my hand and pulled it around him, so I was pretty much holding him this time. We were both pretty quiet after that and my brain wouldn’t shut up, so Will fell asleep before me. I honestly kinda wanted to kiss his head or some bullshit like that, but I thought that would be a little too gay. We were literally still holding hands, so I don’t really know what the logic was on that one.
I haven’t really given much thought to sexuality before, I kinda just assumed that I was straight for some reason, and that Will was too. We live in a pretty conservative area and I actually don’t know one out gay person. It’s just not really a thing that is okay here. I don’t really know what I should do, I don’t wanna fuck things up with my best friend.
[**UPDATE**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/mitmbr/update_im15_shared_a_bed_with_my_best_friendm15/)
Thank you guys for all the good advice on the last post. I’m still not completely sure about what my sexuality is, but I’m not too concerned about labeling myself right now. I decided to talk to Will last night because I ended up staying at his house again. I first asked him what he thought about gay people just to make sure I hadn’t completely misread things because I didn’t want to tell him I liked him if he was homophobic.
Luckily, he said that he was cool with them, even though his family isn’t(they’re Catholics, so are my parents, but Will and I never really believed in religious stuff). After that he said: “Is this about how we’ve been sharing the bed?” and I was so surprised that I kinda just sat there and didn’t say anything.
This must’ve come across badly, because Will started apologizing and saying that he was sorry he made me uncomfortable and that he would never do it again. My mind caught up and I interrupted him and just said: “Actually I kinda want to do it again,” which was definitely not how I planned to tell him that I had liked it. I’m not very eloquent when I’m nervous.
That shut him up real quick, and he just said “Oh,” and smiled. Then he asked if I was gay, and I told him that I wasn’t really sure, but that I knew I liked him. After that he told me that he had actually liked me for a while but he thought I didn’t feel the same way about him. I decided to be brave and I put my hand on his(this felt a lot more dramatic at the time) but then he was braver and just kissed me, which was awesome.
We talked after that for a while and decided that we’d keep it to ourselves for now because we know that staying safe is the most important thing, and we agreed that we’ll prioritize our friendship no matter what happens between us in the future. It’s pretty nice liking Will cause my favorite person is my best friend who I now get to kiss and hold.
TL;DR: He likes me back and we’re just gonna keep on being us, but now we can kiss and stuff :) | RabbitsAmongUs | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/miv901/op_15m_shares_a_bed_with_his_best_friend_15m_and/ | miv901 | 4,511 | 777 | [
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2021-04-03T10:02:40 | BF wants OP to sell the place she bought with her "stripper money". | AITA | [deleted] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mj5n8e/bf_wants_op_to_sell_the_place_she_bought_with_her/ | mj5n8e | 9 | 579 | [
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2021-04-03T13:42:50 | IL's want to use OP's nanny while they're all on vacation. Only problem is the nanny isn't a nanny she's OP's BFF. | AITA | [deleted] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mj8qva/ils_want_to_use_ops_nanny_while_theyre_all_on/ | mj8qva | 9 | 400 | [
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2021-04-03T18:36:21 | 0% DNA shared with Mom | r/23andme | u/thotianne posted in r/23andme about a month ago. The update appeared this weekend. (This is another 23andme concern: OP's mother didn't believe that the test proved anything, but of course the DNA test is not wrong. Facts come out, eventually. (Perhaps OP will find consolation in the fact that she MAY have half-siblings.)
📷 [Family Problems/Discovery](https://www.reddit.com/r/23andme/search?q=flair_name%3A%22Family%20Problems%2FDiscovery%22&restrict_sr=1)
I did a 23andme test last year for my birthday and I got my results. My dad is Dutch and my mum is Brazilian, my test came back with 58% French & German (this includes Netherlands), 38,3% Spanish & Portuguese and the rest was Native American so I didn't think it was abnormal. This year my mum wanted to do the test for her birthday as well and we got her results back yesterday, 23andme says we have 0% shared DNA and we have different maternal haplogroups which I assume should be the same? My parents have pregnancy pictures and pictures in the hospital, I don't believe I am adopted because I really think my mum would've told me by now. My parents did use IVF to have me though, could they have fertilised the wrong egg? or is the dna test wrong? Could anyone offer some advice, thank you :)
UPDATE:
Hi! Around a month ago or so I made a post about how I shared no DNA with my mum according to 23andme, I thought I'd update you guys!
My parents used IVF as my mum struggled to get pregnant (she only had around 3 eggs to spare for the IVF) and went to one of the best rated IVF clinic's at the time which was in São Paulo, ran by Roger Abdelmassih who is now in prison for raping and assaulting countless of his patients (including my mum).
Abdelmassih is also known for having swapped eggs and sperm in order to keep up his good reputation, so I'm fairly sure that's what happened with me and is why I don't share any DNA with my mum :)
Also I only found out all of this after receiving the DNA test a month ago, until then I had no clue my mum was sexually assaulted or of the reputation of the clinic they used.
I'm not sure if I'm that interested to know my biological mother as I really love my family. But it's been a shock and I'm still processing things, thanks to everyone who wished me luck! | haaskaalbaas | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mjee5m/0_dna_shared_with_mom/ | mjee5m | 2,325 | 504 | [
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2021-04-04T08:22:49 | OP wants to bring his brother's BF to the funeral. Problem is his parents aren't exactly LGBT+ friendly | AITA | [deleted] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mjs72e/op_wants_to_bring_his_brothers_bf_to_the_funeral/ | mjs72e | 9 | 405 | [
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2021-04-04T10:51:50 | A blind friend wants to bring their guide dog to OP's wedding. Unfortunately, OP is allergic to dogs. | AITA | [deleted] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mju0x8/a_blind_friend_wants_to_bring_their_guide_dog_to/ | mju0x8 | 9 | 302 | [
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2021-04-04T13:55:03 | Woman Doesn't Want Husband In Delivery Room; HUGE Revelations Are Made (Long) | AITA | Before we get to the repost, a warning that this is a long one. But I love the ending and how a simple Reddit post led to major epiphanies and progress with the potential of more progress and healing.
[Original Post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/lzx549/aita_for_wanting_a_doula_and_not_my_husband_in/)
AITA for wanting a doula and not my husband in the delivery room?
I am currently three months pregnant. We were both overjoyed until I started discussing my ideal birth plan with my husband, "John," because I don't want him in the delivery room.
John is a wonderful and supportive husband, and I'm sure he'll be an equally wonderful father. However, in the birth room, I want the support of a professional doula: someone who has made a profession out of helping women through labor, and ideally I will be able to find a doula who has given birth herself and has personal experience in the matter. John very much wants to be there for the birth of our child himself. Although I understand why he wants that, the idea makes me very uncomfortable.
John is a take-charge man. The moment I knew I wanted to marry him was when my mother had a stroke several years ago and he immediately organized a rotating calendar of volunteer family members to clean, provide her company, cook easily frozen casseroles etc., and reheat them. Everyone got a week on each of the tasks until she was well again, so nobody got overwhelmed, and he personally made sure that her fridge and freezer were always stocked with easy to eat foods. But that kind of hyper-preparation is what he brings to everything, and when I am in tremendous pain and experiencing a lot of turbulent emotions, I think his style of comfort is going to just...overwhelm me and make me feel worse.
I also feel so embarrassed about the physical parts of birth; I don't want him to see me covered in blood and fecal matter. I also know that the afterbirth is equally messy, and told him that I had calculated the cost of afterbirth nurses/doulas in case I need a C-section or stitching, because I know that he would try and bathe me and hover over me when I'm on the toilet and bring stress and embarrassment there. And although I know that doulas being a thing for new age moms is an outdated stereotype...I confess that I have a touch of that in me, and I can't shake the feeling that there's a reason that birth and labor have historically been women's only environments for thousands of years. Men might say that they don't mind seeing their wife give birth and don't feel any less attracted to them afterwards, but I can't really believe them. This is the only part of it I haven't told him, because I feel embarrassed to tell him given that it's so close to the whole idea of sacred womanhood stuff he's called "crystal woo" in the past. I've felt so anxious about him being present I've had some difficulty breathing about it when I sat down to outline my birth plan.
He seems really hurt by this being my ideal birth plan, though, and says that he really wants me to change my mind. So, AITA?
UPDATE: John here. My wife and I have started a conversation. A few things to clear up.
Special shout out to u/yourfavegarbagegirl, u/FishScrumptious, u/ThisRideHasTwoSeats and u/EntertainmentOk6284 for their comments. You guys helped a lot.
Some of y'all are saying that this'll for sure lead to divorce or that my wife doesn't deserve me. Stop. My wife and I are talking this out. I'd forgive her if she said no, because there's a lot going on. She's anxious, not hateful. If I'm so great a guy, you'd think I'd talk to my wife before I divorce her.
Speaking of that guy – that guy sure as hell ain't me. She spent a lot of time talking me up and ignoring her own qualities. Yes, I've taken charge over her wants before during scary times. We'll work on that. Also, that rota of care for my MIL? That was not out of the goodness of my heart. That was so that my wife didn't break her damn neck cooking with one hand, mopping the floor with the other, and blow drying her mother's hair with a spare foot. That was to protect her, not her mother.
Those commenting on "toxic family": vats of chemical waste are toxic. This family is another level entirely. My wife is really underselling their issues. I stayed quiet on my problems with them so she could have a relationship. I refused help after my surgery and didn't tell her it was because I was afraid she'd feel disgust for me. Care in her family is almost totally gender-segregated. We'll be raising this and possible traumas in therapy. Our contact with her family is getting reevaluated. I wish I'd spoken up earlier.
Comments that encouraged her to talk to other women: I am thrilled she'll be talking with my mama. She'd drop everything to help in a heartbeat. My wife needs me right now, and she also needs a mother.
We're still discussing a plan. Plan Groundwork is therapy. Plan A, right now, is to have me in the room with either a curtain or birthing stool (no mirror!) and someone given strict instructions not to let me look at the crowning no matter what. Plan B is that if she starts to panic, we'll have a breather moment and I'll step back or close my eyes. Plan C is if I try and take over, and that's when I'd step out. I'm not sold on a doula, it doesn't sound like they've got a whole lot of training. If we're allowed two (they said 2022 but I'm hoping otherwise), I at least want to discuss having my mama there instead of a doula or, God forbid, hers.
This isn't the end of talking, but it's the end of my updates.
----------‐--------------------
From the comments: There are a LOT of comments so I'm going to summarize some of this.
OP was being incredibly down on herself. A lot of comments were calling her sexist and undeserving of her amazing husband.
It comes out that OP's mom & sister both described child birth as "humiliating".
She said, "...my mother and sister's comments on their partners. They used words like "scarring" and "never again" and never attended another birth. I couldn't bear that irrevocable change."
After her mother and sister convinced her that her husband would never want her again after seeing the birth and that it would be a completely humiliating experience for her if he witnessed it, you can tell she's truly terrified that this will be true and will ruin her marriage. Not because she thinks poorly of her husband, in fact she thinks very highly of him. But her family had really done a number on her. It's not that she doesn't want her husband there; it's that she's been conditioned to believe it will be a disaster.
She shares that she plans to have her husband read through the whole thread so they can have a real conversation about it. She also states that she has much love and respect for husband's mom and decides to talk to HER about her own experience with child birth after commenters make her start to realize that her family was feeding her super unhealthy crap about birth and gender roles.
That's when OP's husband comes back with the update. He took a lot of time to go through and reply to comments as well. These quotes are from those replies:
"My wife's family are toxic. I kept quiet because I didn't want to be the reason she stopped having a relationship with them. That's changing. We're seeking professional help."
"Scared and misguided is a much more accurate description than sexist. I'm not qualified to give a professional opinion. But I think her fears come from her rationalizing what I would consider abuse. If it was same-sex abuse from straight people, it wasn't abuse. That's all I'll say on the matter."
Referring to the "new age", "women's work" attitude on child birth:
"Trust me. That family's beyond harmful. She wasn't willing to buy into their awful Christianity, so they just started in on the same beliefs with new wrapping paper. She's not sexist, she's legitimately terrified my love for her is conditional.
I know it's not easy. I want to do it with her anyway. She's the love of my life. I contributed to this too. I've taken charge over her wants before during scary times. We'll work on that. I refused help after my surgery and didn't tell her it was because I was afraid she'd feel disgust for me. We'll work on that too.
I'm mostly concerned about the following things, in order:
Getting my wife and I professional therapy.
Getting her some actual maternal support from my mama.
Getting her some damn space from the people she calls her family. I stayed quiet for years because she gets on so great with mine. That's gonna change.
Getting her to reevaluate whether she's experienced trauma. (In my non-professional opinion: she has).
Getting her to do some serious self esteem work. The people in this story could be strangers for all she's talked me up and herself down, making this seem like a one-sided marriage to a saint.
Gently moving her away from comments saying that she doesn't deserve me or suggesting divorce/separation.
We're gonna work through this together. Even if she panics and I do need to leave, I'd never leave her over that."
--------
*I wanted to add an edit (from me, not OP). I see a lot of you in the comments voicing concern about John taking over the update. I meant to include this originally but found so much extra to share from the comments of their post that I forgot.
But I was also originally turned off by his takeover. It really rubbed me wrong. Then I read the comments. Yes, he clearly has a take charge personality but he mentions many times that he will be going to therapy WITH her too, to address her concerns and fears. I believe they will be talking about his take charge issues too.
What really changed my mind was reading about how upset her sister was that her husband took charge during her birth and held her leg up. OP was really worried this would happen to her too. Look, I've had 2 babies and was present at 2 other births. They often encourage the partners to help the women sit forward/hold their legs up. This I relatively normal. OPs sister however, because it upset her (probably because of how she was raised) made it seem like a terrible thing. Which, granted, for her it was but it doesn't have to be like that for everyone. When people really pushed about WHAT he would "take over" she went back to what her sister said about having her husband hold her leg up. That was the biggest thing for her.
I tried to include the most to-the-point comments but there was so much there, I think I failed to include enough. Some are worried about how he said he would make sure to distance her family now. He alludes to this but OP was sexually abused by her mother. She repressed this because she was taught to believe it couldn't be sexual assault if it was done by a woman. She has been repressing this and if you have dealt with this kind of trauma, you know how it can all of a sudden be in front of you, you finally see it and it has to be dealt with. Part if this is going to include no longer subjecting herself to that evil woman. So I absolutely, 100% stand by him saying low contact is necessary.
I think OP is really going through it right now. I think she is finally having to face the fact that she was abused in addition to being giving some really unhealthy ideas about gender roles and all men being awful. She seemed so overwhelmed in her comments and I got the feeling that her husband felt the need to jump in and help. She had mentioned several times in her own comments that she wanted to share the whole thread with him to go over all of it together so I do believe he had her permission to do that update.
I 100% support and recommend doulas and midwives. They are severely underrated. I think he needs more education on what a doula does but that was pointed out to him in the comments and he admitted he does have things to learn. Did he take charge? Well, yeah, I can't argue that point. Maybe it's what she needs from him right now and if not, it sounds like he's willing to talk about fixing that in therapy too.
Overall, OP is finally talking through fears WITH her husband, and most importantly, she's going to get the help she needs to heal from her trauma and that makes me so happy.
Also, U/HoodiesAndHeels brought up another big point I forgot to include:
(About John taking over)
"I was definitely in the same boat as you here with my thoughts on the matter. I went to the post and looked at comments to try to get a better feels of things. I found a reply by “John,” which made me feel SO much better:
'Thank you for sharing your story [...]. I'm gonna talk to our therapist about these fears of mine so we can bring them up with my wife in a supportive, safe environment.'
This was specifically in regards to his being concerned she may not be treated well and not be listened to by doctors (they’re Nigerian)."
‐‐
John and his mother are Nigerian and he is concerned about his wife and baby getting fair treatment because he has seen so many POC receiving poor care in hospitals. This is a legitimate concern.
Sorry I forgot it it for my original summary! | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mjwnrd/woman_doesnt_want_husband_in_delivery_room_huge/ | mjwnrd | 13,187 | 372 | [
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2021-04-04T19:37:20 | OP's ex-fiance left her at the altar with no warning on their wedding day, then ghosted her afterward. Four years later, he wants to meet up and talk. | Relationship_Advice | *This is a repost. [The original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/lygqgo/ex_fiance_wants_to_meet_up_after_leaving_me_at/) is by /u/ThrowRA-exdramas.*
Basically four years ago, I (F 29) was supposed to be getting married to my fiance at the time, J. Everything was going perfect, I was in my dress, had my make up on and taken pictures with my bridesmaids. I was pretty much ready to walk down the aisle when J's best man pulled me to side and said J was gone. He had gotten into a car and left and no one was able to get a hold of him.
I came home to our apartment and all his stuff was gone. He's been pretty much a ghost ever since he left me and I had to force myself to move on. I ended up going on our honeymoon with my best friends (which was the best decision ever) and then put myself in therapy to heal the horrible trust issues I now have. I haven't heard from him once until today.
I guess he got back in contact with an old mutual friend, who gave him my number. J texted me and said wants to meet up and apologize. He says he has a lot to explain to me about what happened that day. I'm torn. I swore J was a dead memory but my curiosity and desire to get closure with him is pestering me. My current boyfriend supports me whatever I decide and I feel out of respect to him and how wonderful he's been, I should ghost J. I'm very confused. I never expected to hear from J again. I have no idea what to do. Please help.
---
[**UPDATE**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/mjxlf8/update_ex_fiance_wants_to_meet_up_after_leaving/)
First off I just want to thank everyone for the advice. I honestly wrote the post to just vent my frustration and confusion and possibly get advice. I honestly forgot about the post for a few days until my sister and I were talking and she mentioned she saw a post from some girl getting left at the alter and ex showing up again years later. I told her it was mine and she has been pushing me to do an update post. I figure it might be therapeutic to write everything down as final closing of the J chapter. This all happened two weeks ago.
Against most of the advice, I did meet up with J. As a lot of you said, it did not add any value to my life. Also it was part of a 12 step program and he was making amends. We met up at a park and my boyfriend came with me. He sat off to the side while J and I talked.
I actually feel stupider after meeting with him. There were a lot of things in our relationship that would of had me out the door if I paid more attention and if he wasn't such a great liar.
Basically for the last year of our relationship, he was doing drugs and cheating on me. He had been struggling with his sexuality for years and it's not surprising it ended up this way now knowing the truth. His family are incredibly homophobic and horrible people. I wanted nothing to do with them when we were together but he insisted on them being around just for the big life events, like our wedding.
The drugs were something to get him through the day and act like he was in love with me when he was actually in love with someone else. He had met his boyfriend at work and I had actually met him a few times when I'd drop off lunch for J.
When our wedding approached, his boyfriend said he needed to choose and J chose him. So he packed his bags up and pretended everything was great until his boyfriend picked him up and they moved two towns over.
I asked him if he was still with his boyfriend and he said no. He thought he could quit the drugs once he was free of his family and lying but he couldn't. His boyfriend found out and left him. He kept going, getting high and hooking up with randoms. One of his regular hook ups ended up overdosing while they were asleep in the same bed and died and he realized he had to get sober.
He apologized for not just being honest with me and leading me on like he did. He wished he could go back and be truthful because I would of been the most accepting of him being gay out of everyone. He said he missed me when he left because even though he didn't love me romantically, I was his best friend.
It was a lot to take in. I told him while I'm glad he's okay and is doing better, I'd prefer for us not to have any contact moving forward but I do forgive him. He said he understood and he was only in town for a few more days and he'd be gone for good again.
I'll admit when I got home, I cried. My boyfriend held me and ordered me my favorite take out. He's been really the best and didn't pressure me to talk about anything until I was ready. So if I got anything out of the worst day of my life, it's led me to who I'm with now. | Father-Son-HolyToast | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mk36c5/ops_exfiance_left_her_at_the_altar_with_no/ | mk36c5 | 4,683 | 694 | [
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2021-04-04T22:28:03 | OP invites Dad's GF to have a spa day together. Mom is upset. | AITA | [deleted] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mk6gf3/op_invites_dads_gf_to_have_a_spa_day_together_mom/ | mk6gf3 | 9 | 400 | [
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2021-04-05T13:30:28 | OP's Fiancé Stayed On Game Chat While Their Baby Died | Relationship_Advice | [Original Post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/kbuls6/my_fiance_of_6_years_was_on_a_video_game_chat/)
I'm 29, he's 31.
The last 3 months have been awful. He has a child from another relationship that lives with us full time. Our son "Danny" was our first together.
Let me back you up though. And I would appreciate that if anyone can identify the game, which you probably can if you're familiar with it, that you not name it. I know several of our "teammates" Reddit and I don't want this coming up on a search.
Looking back I had misgivings about the game/group for a while but nothing I could ever get into words. It just didn't seem normal somehow but I convinced myself it was just a harmless video game. My fiance "Mark" has always been a gamer and kind of a loner, I told myself it was good he had a social group. I have an account and played very casually, just could never get into it. It seemed a lot of of work for nothing. I do game as well, sometimes in fits and bursts (I'll spend a whole week beating a new game and then not touch a controller for a month) so I know what it's like to get really into and hooked on a new game and that it CAN be a fun way to blow off steam.
But not to sound too high on myself, for one, these all seemed like really low quality people. One guy bought a house and invited us to a housewarming. The guy, Mark's friend, had rotten teeth, holes in his shoes, and all the furniture that he'd just moved smelled like cat pee and looked to be about 25 years old. Other people there were similar. Another guy and his wife who both looked like they'd just gotten out of a homeless shelter - again missing and rotting teeth, stringy hair, and the husband was clearly a late stage alcoholic both by his obvious ascites and the way he was drinking.
The more I heard about these folks and when I met them, the less I liked them. A different guy had apparently had a long term "complicated" relationship with a married woman that produced 2 kids that he then ran away and let he husband raise - guy had no idea they might not even be his kids.
These people all seemed to drive broken down cars, never have stable housing, jobs or relationships, and while I absolutely understand bad times can happen to anyone, they seemed to just have lifestyles that were a mess of their own creation, no standards and no self respect.
As time went on Mark got more and more involved. Always playing, always going here, there, everywhere on a dime in the middle of the night because he had to help his "team". Their group structure is several layers of "secure" chats, everyone always trying to be loyal, trusted, good enough to get into a higher "status" group. Weekends started to be spent sitting in random parking lots for hours waiting for someone to tell him to hit a button. And if the plan didn't work he'd be sulky and moody the rest of the day.
This was all gradual and all sort of presented in pieces so I couldn't, or wouldn't, see the big picture. When our son passed away I saw it more clearly.
What happened was, my mom was over and it was a normal evening. My mom was feeding Danny and all of a sudden she starts calling for me and she sounds frantic. I come in the house and Danny isn't breathing. My mom says he was fine one second and just stopped breathing the next.
I called 911 immediately and tried to figure out of Danny had choked. I did the infant Heimlich on him but it didn't help, I started CPR, I did everything else I as a nurse know to do. The ambulance came and they got him back on the way to the hospital but then he coded again and they couldn't revive him.
Our boy was gone at 3 weeks old.
We did not have an autopsy. The doctors figured it was likely an undiagnosed congenital heart defect. The cause of death was cardiac arrest.
What was Mark doing during all of this? Texting his super elite game chat. I didn't find this out until 2 days later. When the team performed an in game action to "honor" him. Nobody brought food or asked if we needed anything. We got a few messages of course but the memorial to our son was a coordinated in game action.
I was livid. Murderous. I ripped Mark's phone from his hands and read the chat. He was on it on the way to the hospital. He was on it at the hospital. He was on it the second Danny was pronounced dead. He was on it that night.
When I asked him what the everloving FUCK he was thinking about, his answer was he didn't know what to do with himself. He felt helpless and panicking and just had to talk and try to distract himself and get support.
I tried to swallow this. I really did. Everyone handles emergency situations differently. But at the end of the day I just COULDN'T. When I remembered back as clearly as I could, Mark wasn't in the room with us. He wasn't with my mother. He certainly wasn't with me or our son. He was ON A FUCKING GAME CHAT.
I can't with this anymore. In the months that have followed I see how crazy this has all gotten. It started as a normal hobby, a fairly normal game group and while I didn't like the people, I don't HAVE to like everyone my fiance likes and I don't HAVE to be into everything he is. But the game ate his life. He didn't see other friends anymore. He dropped other hobbies. He even called in sick to work a couple days to play and while at the time I wrote them off as mental health days, because who hasn't done that, now I see he's never done THAT before either. He's taken mental health days, sure. But he's used them to catch up on errands, hang out with me, or just have a rest day. Not call in halfway to work saying he suddenly became ill to play a game all day and defend his territory. I didn't even know he'd done that til he came home later that night. I thought he'd gone to work.
As for the group he was talking to the night Danny died? I can't come out with them. They're a "family" that apparently bonded during some big team drama upheavel several years ago, and they don't let new people in.
Again, I don't need to be everywhere Mark is. But it hits me wrong to have a group say "Your future wife is UNWELCOME".
In concert this is all too much. Mark sees no problem with it. He says it's his hobby, those are his friends, I'm being controlling, he's blown up with FINE I'LL JUST QUIT AND STAY HOME AND STARE AT YOU 24/7 ALL THE TIME, he's accused me of trying to "isolate" him, he's even accused me of emotional abuse.
Now we've lost our son. It's only been 3 months. It's still very raw for me. And where's my fiance? Dropping everything to do tricks in a game hoping he'll get a treat. Spending all his time with people who, no matter how shallow it makes me sound, are trash that give me the creeps.
This is a cult. These misfits have all found each other somehow and instead of thinking critically and observing how insane this all is, they're all about "team" and "family" and "loyalty". We've lost our child and the man I thought I would marry that I've loved like no one else is now calling me abusive because I have a problem with it.
Idk. Maybe I am being controlling? It doesn't seem like it to me though. I honestly wouldn't care if he played. As long as there was time for me, for us, for our relationship, for anything else. But if I ask that he forgo an event, he blows up again with the same I'm abusive) controlling/isolating speech.
I can't stay with him if this keeps up but how do I leave after having just lost a child and us being newer to the area and really only having my mom? We moved closer to her to help when Danny came, I thought the year or so would be focused on our baby anyway and I could meet some other moms. But now I have no one if I leave Mark. I've wondered if maybe I AM clinging because of that.
I just can't even think straight anymore. I don't know if the problem is me, because I'm feeling lonely and insecure, Mark/the game or what? He seems to genuinely MEAN it when he calls me controlling, that he's planned these events for days/weeks and I just want to isolate him. Sometimes I really disagree because I don't think I'd care as much if WE had ANYTHING but then again, I don't know.
I really need some perspective, advice, something.
[Update Post 4 Months Later](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/mk2n83/update_fiance_on_game_chat_while_our_infant_son/)
I left him. It took me about another month or so. I had so hoped there was SOMETHING to salvage, something we could do to make it work. Some way to frankly, get him to see reason.
We had a few sessions with a counselor. During which I did all the talking. Even when the counselor asked him direct questions, he would just mutter "I don't know" or give a blank stare. I had something come up, had to cancel one appointment and he never rescheduled. Said he "wasn't being heard anyway".
What the FUCK???
I left that weekend.
He is now telling all his game flunkies that I isolated him. I controlled him. I emotionally abused him. Nothing he did was ever right. Any time he tried to talk to me I "shut him down". I "never listened". He confused not listening with not agreeing.
Example: the counselor asked him to plan a date for us. We talked about going somewhere I'd always wanted to go. He said he'd set it up. I bit my tongue. I tried to give him a chance and trust him.
The Monday before that weekend I asked what time we were leaving. "Leaving for what?" "To go to (place)" "Well you never brought it up again! I didn't know if you still wanted to go! You should have said something!"
Typical. The responsibility HE took on somehow became MINE again. I got angry. I yelled. And then I was "abusing" him again.
Out the door he went to play his stupid game. Til 4 am. I was watching on the in game map. He covered the whole city. Came back peacocking around about how good he'd done and how there was a fire fight (in game) in some parking lot but he ran the other guy out of gear and blah blah.
Instead of achieving something in real life, in our relationship, he went to achieve it in game.
I said we needed to go back to counseling. HE needed to get counseling. This isn't normal. HE isn't normal. It is not normal to turn to a game to feel good about yourself and ignore your IRL problems and responsibilities.
I was abusive, controlling, isolating again. That he's "a lot healthier than I give him credit for and he's sick of me trying to change him."
Then he went off on ME. About how all I do is "sit and relive our son's death and my childhood traumas and my sexual assault" that I "want pity and to be a victim" and that he can "be in his own company because he's comfortable with himself".
No saving that, yanno? Anyone wants to assassinate my character and weaponize sensitive things I told them in confidence, I'm done. That's not a moment of anger or anything that can be fixed. That's the destruction of all trust.
Anyway, a week after I left the harassment started. I don't think it's Mark directly. I think it's his game "family". But I also don't think Mark is doing anything to stop it. They're giving him validation and ego strokes and telling him how awful his ex fiance is and he's in the right and they're gonna get me.
I have security camera footage of people on my property. They had a mask and hoodie on, I couldn't tell who it was. I've had game stickers stuck all over my car - I invested in a dash cam (I have to park on the road if I don't get home first, this is a side by side with one garage in the middle and the neighbors park like shit - if they get home first they park in the middle of the damn garage).
I'm reporting and handing everything over to police. I'm working on moving but I need a subleaser.
This makes me so sad. Most days I can keep my head up and see the problem is Mark and his low self worth and that he's in a cult now and it's not me.
On a bad day? I'm worth less than a video game. 6 years and our whole life together and in the end he chose a game. | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mkkr06/ops_fiancé_stayed_on_game_chat_while_their_baby/ | mkkr06 | 12,009 | 674 | [
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2021-04-05T22:01:34 | OP Has An Interesting Encounter With A Crazy Entitled Parent | r/entitledparents | [Original Post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/entitledparents/comments/mdfyml/entitled_mum_thinks_15m_is_too_far_to_walk_for/)
Entitled mum thinks 15m is too far to walk for her precious child
I'm in shock right now, and so damn confused. This happened minuets ago so the laughing-at-ridiculousness hasn't happened yet.
I (27f) am sitting in my garage after getting an early finish at work. The open garage door faces my driveway which has about a meter of flat before a hill going down. I'm just sitting here having a beer and painting, a murder doc playing on youtube for noise, when a car pulls half in, so fully across the sidewalk and half in the driveway.
I don't recognise the car so watch as a woman jumps out, goes to the back door and opens it to let a 7/8 year old out. I'm confused as shit because who tf is this woman? She locks the car and turns to walk left down the street. I called out like "Hey uhhh....."
She stopped and just stared, so I get up and go around the paint table, up the drive and ask who shes here to see. She said the neighbours, pointing next door. I am am getting more confused at this point and just say "Uh, sorry man, you can't park here".
Well. Was that a huge mistake or what. Her face twisted up like melted wax and she (loudly) says "EXCUUUUUUUSE ME?!" I repeat she can't park over the sidewalk, it's illegal, and that she is 100% blocking my driveway. She goes on to tell me it's only for a couple of hours (WTF) and I don't have a car in there anyway so what's my problem?
I tell her my partner is going to be parking there, and even if he wasn't, it's still illegal.
EM: So when's he getting home then? It is a HE, right?
Me: It could be 10 minuets, it could be three hours, I don't know. Just don't park there.
EM: Is it a HE?!
Me: What in the literal fuck does that matter? Rattle ya daggs and move the car or I'm calling the towie.
She proceeds to screech that I'm threatening her, that the only other spot is ALL THE WAY OVER THERE (15m max) and that is too far for her kid to walk on a BUSY ROAD. I live in a quiet as hell coul de sac. Like....Just no. I told her she is free to call the police if she thinks I'm threatening her, but she had to get in and move her car right now, or I'm calling the towie. Right now. She does eventually with so much damn complaining it's unreal.
The best part is, the neighbours she is going to see, and who she will no doubt relay her version of these events to, know that I collect animal skulls and various machetes and knives. I happen to be drying two cow skulls and a pigs jawbone on the deck facing that property right now, which you can clearly see from their livingroom. So I can only imagine how that will work out in her mind. I'm about to call my partner and tell him not to be surprised if cops show up at some point tonight.
[Update Post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/entitledparents/comments/mgtvq8/update_em_thinks_15m_is_too_far_for_her_precious/)
Unfortunately for me, I don't know how to tag the last post here but some of you may remember a few days ago, the EM who tried to park in my driveway then demanded to know if my partner was a bloke. Yeah, it went further.
So, about 2.5 - 3 hrs after that episode, my partner was home and showered, and I had received a mayday call from my stepfather. He had organised a surprise birthday for my ma, and thought he was just the most clever little chap until he realised something. He had organised with her work to have her ON the roster, but actually have the weekend off and...that was actually about it. He couldn't find half the peoples numbers he wanted to invite, didn't even think about food and if he had so much as looked at the vacuum to clean ma would have known in a heartbeat, so me to the rescue and we left to drive up there because she wouldn't blink an eye at me cleaning or organising food.
When we got back two days later there was a notice on the door from police, stating they had been around twice to speak to 'the woman at this address' and to please contact them ASAP. Which I did. Turns out the EM had called the cops, but because it wasn't an emergency it took them a few hours to turn up, and we'd left by then. So I called and they organised someone to drop around the next day to speak to me, when they got here JFC, this lady went above and beyond to lie about everything.
She told them I came out screaming, threatening her and her child, and her car (and probably her non-existent dog too, why not), that I scared her precious kid with animal skulls and had threatened that my FEMALE partner would beat her up when she got home from work. Honestly guys, I was laughing by halfway through. I told them my side, showed them my partner who is not a girl and asked 'if I was going to threaten her with anything, it would be a machete, not a breakable and precious skull'.
Then the real breakthrough happens. I have well-meaning-but-bat-chit-crazy neighbours on the other side, and Mrs bat called over the fence to ask if the cops were here because of that weirdo yelling woman the other day. I said yes and she goes 'oh...do they need to see a video?'. Like...what? What video? are there cameras on your house I don't know about?! No, actually.
She was filming her newly arranged plants on her deck to send to her daughter, when the crazy lady went off, so she swung her phone about and recorded us instead. Thank you bat lady! The cops saw everything was exactly as I said it, there were no bones involved and this EM had issues. She (as far as I know) will be charged with making a false statement, harassment and wasting police time. She has also been told to stay the hell away from my property and myself, and if she wants to keep going with this the whole thing was filmed, so knock it tf off.
I'm still laughing and probably will be for the foreseeable future. The neighbours she visited came over to apologise for their 'friend', and gave me a little banana cake which my partner ate the lot in about 0.2 seconds. Not a bad ending all up I'd say. | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mkw3t7/op_has_an_interesting_encounter_with_a_crazy/ | mkw3t7 | 6,060 | 687 | [
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2021-04-07T01:28:56 | OP wholesomely resolves problems with MIL's cooking | r/relationships | [Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/mjmo4f/i_26f_dont_like_the_food_my_mil_60f_makes/)
Hello! Much less serious question than the ones I'm seeing on here - long time reader and first time poster.
My husband and I have been together for about 4 years. We are from different ethnic backgrounds - we cook for each other and both enjoy diverse palates but I have an aversion to some ingredients that are quite common in his culture's cuisine. I like his cooking, I like a lot of foods from his culture, I just choose foods that don't have the flavors I don't like.
He has always been fond of his mother's cooking but I hate it. I bit my tongue at every visit but her cooking entirely centers on the flavors that I dislike and it's prominent in every meal. Even vegetables are made to have sauces based on those flavors and there's nothing that is free from them. There's no variety about the flavor profile.
Some time ago, I breached that I didn't like his mom's cooking because of that and wanted some support from him to cook for myself or have some separated sauces/meals (i.e. some plain vegetables or anything really). He thinks that would be rude and wants me to tolerate it. I countered that if that's the case, then I don't want to stay for over 3 days. Normally we would stay for about 5 days if not longer. In the past when we visit, I have also tried to compromise - I have offered to cook but she adamantly declines because we're guests. We bring foods from our home that I cooked previously, they are eaten within one meal by the family and my partner feels it would be rude to bring portions that are larger. In the past, I've even suggested going out to eat or eating out with my partner to explore the area but his family values meals with family and doesn't like going out to eat/would be expensive during the length of the trips.
The status quo is that I pack a ton of snack foods and hide them in our space, fill up on those, eat loads of fresh fruits and any meals that lack the flavors that I dislike, and then always try to take some small amounts of the meals she cooks. I make a point to try everything and be open-minded and thank her. His family thinks I just have no appetite and have made little jokes about how when we go to eat at restaurants, I eat lots but when I'm at home, I eat little. At the end of a trip, I'm often grumpy from being uncomfortable and eager to leave.
We have another trip coming up for 5 days. I want to stay home myself or shorten the trip or to have my partner back me up when I offer to make something for all of us or even just myself. He thinks because I'm not allergic and it's just my taste so it wouldn't be fair to ask his mom to change her cooking which is very cultural. He thinks I'm being racist by not liking their food. I don't think I am - I've TRIED it, I LIKE foods from his culture, I hate that flavor profile in dishes from other cultures too, and I really have spent 4 years without a hint to his mom that I don't like this flavor profile. We are at an impasse. Looking for any help with our situation, whether it's to tell me that I am in the wrong or if there's a compromise we haven't tried to make this trip more palatable (pun intended).
tldr - I don't like MIL's cooking, she doesn't know, out of compromises with my husband. Now what?
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/mlguej/update_i_26f_dont_like_the_food_my_mil_60f_makes/)
I didn't expect to get as many replies as I did by the time I checked the following day - so I figured I would let everyone know what happened (and tell inquiring minds what the flavour was).
For inquiring minds: it's not cilantro, it's not spices and not cardamom! Much more bland....It's vinegar - I hate the smell of vinegar, I hate it in vinaigrettes, I hate it when sugar is added and all of the different versions of vinegar, I hate vinegar chips, I hate it when it's added to glazes and almost every time my husband thinks he can sneak in some small amount of vinegar, I taste it. Over the years, I've started to tolerate small amounts - he uses it in cooking very sparingly occasionally, but his mom puts so much in that all I taste is vinegar. Vinegar-flavored vegetables, vinegar-flavored meats, vinegar-flavored sides. I think it's just me - everyone else loves it, but every meal is just different textures of vinegar to me.
I really appreciated all the suggestions - though my MIL is a wonderful person, she is also a SAHM of multiple decades whose identity and household role revolve around being an amazing chef so I chose to go with a white lie suggestions. I've actually previously tried the suggestions of complimenting the one dish that she makes where the flavor is on the side and asking to help with cooking to learn her recipes. The problem is everyone else genuinely loves her cooking so that one recipe might come out once in an extended visit! I also felt bad about telling her my husband asked me to not say anything - I didn't see any reason to be honest at the expense of potentially causing a rift. The COVID-19 suggestions gave me the idea of a "new onset food intolerance".
Our fully vaccinated group got together this week and I mentioned to his mom that I recently had a bad stomach bug after a meal and since then, have come to be very averse to the smell and flavor of vinegar from that meal.
It went over swimmingly! So far, the few meals we've had together have all had something with sauces on the side. I am happier and better fed. The unintended consequence is that with our multiple year relationship, stable financial status, my new onset food intolerance and visibly increased appetite in their home, she's starting to hint at an upcoming pregnancy announcement from me. I think it's hilarious - and my partner and I did talk about starting to try in the near future, so she (hopefully) will actually get that announcement sometime soon. Just not this visit!
Thanks for the creativity everyone.
TLDR: all's well that ends well! | wookiehaircare | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mlr2mn/op_wholesomely_resolves_problems_with_mils_cooking/ | mlr2mn | 6,038 | 430 | [
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2021-04-07T14:04:41 | I (33f) just found out that my sex life with my husband(33m) is based on a specific porn directors scenes and I’m not sure how to discuss it with him NSFW | Relationship_Advice | *repost, original [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/m1vvmt/i_33f_just_found_out_that_my_sex_life_with_my/) by u/ThrowRA-prnscntime
Edit: ok so this picked up a lot more attention than I expected! I wanted to comment more but there are a lot so thank you all for your comments. First off I’ve not spoken to him about it yet, i will most probably post an update when I have, I mentioned I found out a few days before this post and my feelings have changed a lot since then, even more after reading your comments, It’s changed my perspective considerably! To address a few things, I know I’m lucky to be so appreciated by my husband, I think our relationship is very balanced and healthy, this is just something that he likes to indulge in and I’m obviously more than happy to oblige! I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have a porn addiction but I’ll take the possibility into account. I wrote p0rn because I didn’t know if there were filters on Reddit to block certain words and also this is one way people wrote it on the internet back in the days of AOL and dial up, sorry guess I was showing my age! Finally with regards to the director... if I do an update I’ll reveal who it is then, I’m not trying to be clickbaity, but one of the reasons for this post was because I sort of felt like my sex life was suddenly available to everyone when I saw these scenes, almost like an invasion of privacy. I know I’m just some anonymous person on the internet but for me it took a lot of time to write this, seeking advice from strangers, and while my perspective has changed a lot(thanks to you guys) I’m still not comfortable revealing too much before I’ve spoken to my husband! If all goes well after the talk then I apparently have a lot to thank this guy for!
Again thank you all, you’re really decent people!!
I’m 33f and I’ve been with 33m for 12 years, married for 6. We got together young but both had fairly equal experiences before our relationship and have gone through a lot together. Our relationship has had its ups and downs but nothing extraordinary, we are both as in love as we were at the start.
Our sex life too has evolved and changed over the years, we have the usual LTR issues surrounding sex but we have good communication and both of us are more than happy. The reason for this post is due to a recent discovery I’ve made. Every now and then we set aside a day or evening for a special sexy time. This usually involves me dressing up in lingerie or outfits, it’s long and drawn out, we may play video games, watch a film/tv, play games etc eventually leading to, essentially, him ‘worshipping’ me. He loves my body and is a bit of a perv but i can’t stress this enough - I like it, it makes me feel good, helps with my self esteem and I must admit, it feels great, I’m always satisfied and I love the attention!
Now, recently, I had to use his pc to sort out some photos I had on my phone because it’s a lot more capable than my laptop, whilst creating file destinations etc I came across a folder full of p0rn. It’s not really an issue for me, we’ve never openly and directly discussed our p0rn use but we have joked and both of us have come across each other’s use of it, so no biggy. However, I realised that the entire collection was that of a specific actor/director, hundreds of scenes, and what was most upsetting is that the scenes tend to follow a certain sequence, and I realised that our ‘special sexy time’ mirrored these scenes almost perfectly - the outfits, the worshipping, positions, sex acts etc, you get the picture. We even one time bought a treadmill so he could watch me walk and yep, that’s in these scenes as well.
Now I’m no prude, there was nothing in these scenes that upset me, it’s all quite nice actually, nothing scary or too aggressive with a focus on the girl but I can’t help but feel a little... disappointed, betrayed maybe, it feels a bit like the sexy time we had, that I thought was special to us has been stolen from some p0rn director! On the other side, I don’t want to stop doing this, like I said, I enjoy it, some of the things they do in these scenes I don’t want to do at all, but there are other things we’ve never done but I’d like to try, the majority of the scenes have a focus on anal, which we do every so often when I’m in the mood but it has intrigued me!
What I’m asking this sub is how do I talk to my husband about this? It’s been a couple of days and I’m not as bothered by it as I was initially but I also don’t know how to bring it up that I know, I obviously found it by snooping and he’s never told me about his collection and it’s obviously private to him which is fine, I don’t want to embarrass him and I also don’t want it to affect or stop our sexy times but I would like to discuss it, any ideas?
 
 
[** UPDATE**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/mlxwsy/update_i_33f_just_found_out_that_my_sex_life_with/)
Ok update time because lots of people asked for it, this is quite the wall of text but I thought you’d like to know what happened. Obligatory apology for formatting.
Disclaimer: I’m pretty sure my husband doesn’t have a porn addiction but I’ll look out for it I guess. This is his PC, we don’t have any issue sharing our belongings and tech etc but he built this for gaming and it’s his baby. I know ‘sexy time’ is cringe, that’s half the reason we use it, but it’s specifically different from our normal sex life. It’s an event, an occasion with time set aside for outfits, toys and treadmills
So when I first discovered the collection I didn’t really have time to see what it was exactly like, after receiving some comments I found time to do more research and I’m now aware how much I misrepresented the type of porn it contained, the director is called Mike Adriano, you guys called it, I must have been far too naive to think you guys wouldn’t know who it was, I guess the treadmill gave it away!
I’m obviously not going to go into the details(google at your own risk) but after the short ‘worshipping’ part it’s very hardcore, I’m interested in some of it, worshipping and some of the oral but that’s about it. The ratio of scenes is majorly skewed towards anal, I mentioned it in the OP but anal is maybe(at best) a birthday treat and those girls are goddam athletes and I’ve got a long way to go if I want to compete with that!
I listened to all of your advice and instead of showing him the post and have him think I was ambushing him I took some advice from a pm that I received, I pretty much followed that format. I may show him the post eventually just for some clarity and context
Basically at the weekend, I put on my gym clothes and we started a sexy day, normal chores, nice lunch etc, he loves the tease and I enjoy the build up. Like I said, he’s a complete perv so he was looking at me like I was food for most of the day. During the afternoon in a non sexual context I brought up how much I love him and appreciate what we do during these days and that whilst I used his pc I found his folder. He was obviously shocked, surprised and embarrassed (he was stuttering, it completely blindsided him) but once he realised I wasn’t angry or upset with it he was actually hugely relieved! The reason? It turns out he discovered this director about 10 years ago, we weren’t living together at the time and were at university with lots of our own time and he’s collected all of this guys material ever since. He likened it to waiting for the next episode of your favourite show to come out. He said that at the time it was a lot different from other porn and that it was all about the girl, showing her off, what she could do, you get the picture and, like you guys said, he just liked the style. He’s a self confessed ‘ass man’ and he’s been collecting it ever since and although he doesn’t use it so much personally any more he does still keep collecting. Apparently because he’s had this collection for so long, he’s always been worried about me finding it and essentially having it ruin our relationship. As there was no way I was going to let this ruin what we had I was supportive and reassured him and as soon as he realised that wasn’t the case he almost burst into tears
After this tension was over, we just talked, I asked about how it had been carried into our own sex life and, essentially, he explained that it had never really been his sole intention, although he’s obviously not unhappy with the result! He’d always liked me wearing lingerie and outfits etc and has bought stuff like that for me for years, and over time, he replaced the porn with our sessions. Which, at the time of discovery, I thought was a problem, but with reflection I’ve realised it isn’t, like I said, I enjoyed it as much as him! He’s basically living out his entire fantasy every time we do this which was hugely reassuring for me
After chilling out for a bit and just doing normal dinner things and getting over the stress related to such an intense and emotional conversation we settled into our normal sexy routine, dressed up(or down haha), some drinks and a few rounds of wii bowling(his favourite) except, afterwards, I suggested we watch some of these scenes, he was again shocked and i worried if he actually wanted to keep it private for himself which I was entirely prepared for but it turns out he was just a bit embarrassed, which again, you guys called. We sat down and he showed me the entire collection, turns out, I had only seen my husbands ‘favourite’ folder. The entire collection is... substantial, I had no idea! I found the ones my husband really likes and I realised that all the girls were different, sizes/shapes/hair colour/style etc and that it was what these girls did in the scenes that he enjoyed. Personally this was really encouraging for me because while I know I’m in good shape, what girl doesn’t worry if she’ll measure up against some pornstar!
Like i said the collection is big, and I was completely ignorant to how hardcore it was, as in lots of anal, after silently worrying about it, I asked my husband if that’s what he wanted, turns out he would like more but is happy for me to lead that one(thank god) apparently it was more the willingness portrayed by the girls being eager to do that stuff that he liked. He would like to go down on me more which I struggle with sometimes because I’ve always been a bit self conscious of it, luckily my husband is understanding and is happy for me to call the shots with that. We’ve mutually agreed to buy a collection of toys and try them out too
Anyway, long story short, and probably TMI, we picked a scene we both liked and we got to it, I was intrigued when I first found it and one of these bits was the oral, which I’m not too good at, have a terrible gag reflex and I get a sore jaw! I tried my best but think I need more practice, which I’m sure won’t bother him lol, those girls make it look so easy, and we’ve agreed to try some other things in future at my own pace. I made sure he had realistic expectations of this progress and he didn’t expect me to become a pornstar over night!
So it turns out I didn’t need to be worried about anything, like you guys said, and I’ve got over all the shock and emotions I had when I first found it. It’s basically his biggest fantasy and I’m now at the centre of it, which is why he doesn’t use it by himself as much, he’s told me he’s living his best life. So thanks everyone for your help and making me realise it wasn’t a big deal in the first place. I’ve also got over the fact that people can watch this stuff and I don’t have to be embarrassed that we do the same thing, after all someone out there is doing this stuff and worse behind closed doors I just never imagined it would be me! I guess I should also say thank you to Mike Adriano (GOAT apparently), and of course all the girls(the real hero’s) for providing the inspiration and enabling my husband to be the total pervert I’ve known and loved for 12 years
TLDR: We’re keeping the treadmill! | Strider_A | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mm2tj1/i_33f_just_found_out_that_my_sex_life_with_my/ | mm2tj1 | 12,064 | 178 | [
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2021-04-07T14:07:03 | My friend (M) is dating a sex offender (F) who assaulted her 13 year old student | Relationship_Advice | *repost, original [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/mi70ik/my_friend_m_is_dating_a_sex_offender_f_who/) by u/jubalh7
Short version: my best friend of many years is dating a sex offender who at least kissed and had some type of relationship with a 13y/o student when she was in her late 20s (so like 2 years ago) and was her teacher. How the hell do I talk him out of this?
Much longer version with more details: My long time buddy, been friends from college, has really been there for me on a lot of occasions. We get along well and he’s loyal af for the last 10 years or so. So, he’s as close to literal brother as you can get.
Anyway he start seeing this girl, who is likeable and attractive, but a year or two ago before they starting dating a few months ago she was a teacher and had some sort of relationship with one of her 13 year old students. I am not fully aware of the details but she is a registered sex offender. You can google her name and she pops up online. You can search court cases and see hers. When told this my first reaction was “Um that would be it for me”. His defense was that she’s in therapy and says it will get dropped. That shocked me and I didn’t say a whole lot. I waited a while, talked about it again and was still gentle, along the lines of “i might not know everything, but this does not add up. She’s a searchable sex offender. How the hell is that going to get dropped?”. Pointed out that the news stories will be searchable no matter what, more importantly I’m pretty sure she actually did it. She has an ankle monitor and has to be home every night. She’s being sued by the school and the kid.
I cannot really see my friend not in my life, and I cannot see her in my life in any way. She clearly did something to a 13 year old, I’m not ever gonna feel comfortable around her or trust her, and if I do have kids I’m not gonna have her around them.
How do I firmly but gently tell him wtf and not make this sound like “it’s her or me”, but like, it kinda is in the long run...? I don’t want it to be that way, and I’m not gonna just defriend him immediately, but holy crap I can’t have her around kids. So in the long run... This is legit unreal and I can’t believe I have type out something straightforward as don’t date sex offenders.
Anyway, how do I tell him to get his head out of his butt in a way he’ll actually hear me and not just start a fight?
Edit: thank ya’ll for your opinions. I do agree with quite a few of them and got some insight out of all of them. I’ve decided I’m going to talk to him Monday (he’s at her house for the weekend) and flat out ask how he’s ok with this point blank but open ended. If he doesn’t tell me he’s ending things I’m just gonna tell him that while I respect his autonomy I’m not ok being around her, why, and then he can make his call. He can call me from time to time and go low contact or get pissed and not talk, that’s his decision. But I’m just not endangering every kid in my life in the long run. Not gonna happen.
Also ya’ll have some well earned up votes.
 
 
[** UPDATE**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/mlum1w/update_my_friend_m_is_dating_a_sex_offender_f_who/)
So, I talked to him about her a bit more assertively but as nicely as I could. Short version is that I basically asked how the heck he’s ok with her assaulting a student, he tried to deflect a few times, didn’t answer, then I told him that I can’t really imagine him not being part of my future but I can’t have a child sex offender involved in my life in any capacity. He understood and didn’t blow up or vice versa. It was surprisingly calm if really awkward.
Anyway he background checked her a bit more and discovered she’s not actually divorced from her last husband (which she flat out lied about) and left her. It sucks to see him upset though. She did have some positives despite the massive red flags, dealbreakers, and betrayal. Hopefully in a while he can find a way better woman. To closely paraphrase he told me only a true friend would have handled it that way and been that honest. He’s probably a little salty even if he’s not showing it but the friendship isn’t damaged.
So thank you again for your insights and thoughts! | Strider_A | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mm2vei/my_friend_m_is_dating_a_sex_offender_f_who/ | mm2vei | 4,275 | 551 | [
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2021-04-07T18:29:19 | My girlfriend [24 F] wanted ANOTHER pet and I [27 M] said NO. + satisfying UPDATE | r/relationships | This one is another old one, but so satisfying for everyone except the OP.
[ORIGINAL](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3vbk7m/my_girlfriend_24_f_wanted_another_pet_and_i_27_m/) by u/TooManyPetzz
I am trying to keep this as anonymous as possible... Here we go:
My girlfriend LOVES animals. She is a legal secretary as her job and also works as a small animals specialist on the side. She's worked as a small animals specialist for four years, and after getting her "real job" decided to keep her other job FOR FUN. At home we have two dogs and two cats. All are her pets.
Her jobs are highly demanding and when she isn't working, she's in the den organizing huge dog adoption events. Every four or five months she manages to bring about sixty dogs up from high kill shelters around the US and finds every dog a home. And I think that's a cool thing she does but she literally stays up until 3 am planning flights and managing people to get the dogs securely to the holding center and ect... And then wakes up at 6 am and goes to work until 5 pm and then goes to her other job until 10 pm and comes home and repeats the process. On her days off she is taking her dogs to the park or going on hikes. She lavishes her pets with new beds and the best food and when she is working she has the dogs go to day-care ECT! As you can see, her days are FILLED with animals and I feel like I'm not even apart of this relationship. When she isn't with animals she's reading or doing her own thing... We've been out to dinner together maybe twice in the past month.
She isn't distance or rude, she always let's me in on what she's doing and asks if I want to help or asks if I want to go to the park with her or on a hike but I don't want to because it's always about the animals and not me.
Anyway, last night before we went to bed she said she was thinking about getting a tree frog to put in the den because she really like the "calming presence" they give off. I just think that is the straw that broke the camel's back because I told her that's insane. I told her I'm tired of all the animal stuff she's involved in. I told her she needs to grow up. And I told her absolutely NO to the tree frog idea. At first she was quiet but then she said something about how animals are her passion and what she does isn't stupid and she'll never get tired of animals and that I have my own hobbies too that she doesn't think are stupid and childish. She then said that tree frogs and close to nothing maintaince wise and they're just pretty. Then she started getting upset and cried and left the room and when I woke up I found her asleep on the living room floor with the dogs.
It's not like we're being overrun with animals but the amount of them in my life is aggravating. She even brings random lizards home and nurses them back to health. Isn't this all a little insane? She's always loved animals but now that she makes a substantial amount of money she does more than ever. I don't get it. Now she wants another animal to fawn over and spend hundreds of dollars on each week?? No! I guess I'm just venting for the most part.
I feel bad for the way she feels but I still think the time she invests in animals is insane and since she's in a relationship with me she should act like it.
tl;dr: girlfriend is obsessed with animals and makes no time for our own relationship.
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3vghs9/update_my_girlfriend_24_f_wanted_another_pet_and/)
After reading comment after comment about how I didn't support my girlfriend or care about her passions, I started to see where I was wrong. I do care about her passions. I, personally, am burnt out of animal care. I should of communicated that better besides blowing up on her. I still, no matter how many protesting comments I get, will never understand why she donates so much money to JUST animals and not anything else. That was why I told her to grow up. That, and I think her passion for animals is childish. Sort of in the way that kids love fairies or mermaids. I feel like it's a phase she never grew out of. I love dogs too but her deep love of animals is something I looked over because she always had good jobs and she is very pretty. I think a lot of people were misguided in calling me a "douchebag" simply because I missed spending time with my girlfriend. No, I am not jealous of lizards. I think it's absurd to come home and find her bandaging up some lizard's foot, or open up my fridge to find a tub of mealworms to give said lizard. I've always, always loved how dedicated she was to things. Whatever she's doing, she's giving 100%. I just wish she directed that passion to things that really, really matter. Helping animals is nice and all but it's not really changing the world.
However I am still deeply in love with the beautiful, sensitive, loving girl I met five years ago, and all the comments made it clear that I was being rude to her. So I wrote her up an apology letter and went to the nearest pet store to get her a tree frog. I got the tank and lamp and even crickets. I set up the whole tank in the den where she wanted it and named the tree frog Jinx. I thought my apology and me buying the tree frog would help her see I care and that her passions are cool.
Anyway. I waited for Jessica to get home and finally when she did, I told her to go look in the den. She seemed upset still and said, "thank you for the tree frog. I actually bought one before I got off work and had a friend set up the tank for me. It's in my car, I'm gonna go get it. Thank you"
She brought the tank in and asked if we could talk for a little bit in our room because she had some things on her mind. She said she didn't want to jump to conclusions but our relationship wasn't "heading in the direction she wanted" and maybe I should find someone more suited to what I like, maybe a more quieter, less busy life. I explained to her that I love her deeply I just want her to tone down her animal life and she said she can't because it's not only her passion but all the money she makes from being an animal specialist goes to the animals for adoption, vet care, housing and money to the people who foster the animals when she can't. She said if she "toned anything back" she would lose a huge part of her and I thought she was being extreme. I told her I loved her and if that's her choice. She said she loved me too but my actions showed I can't and wont support her. She then referred to many times in our past when I refused to show up to her adoption events and most memorable for her was when I wasn't there when she was accepting an award. It all became very clear that she didn't want to be with me anymore and once again she was choosing animals over me. I accepted it and told her to live her life as she pleases. I told her that I thought she should give money to homeless children too and she said, "um, sure.. Do you know any organizations I could help with?" But I didn't have any suggestions and I was already angry and felt like she was giving me a slap to my face. She said that I was missing the point. We ended the conversation shortly after that with us splitting up and her saying there are things in life that I don't understand, and she can't make me understand and it's just as frustrating for the both of us. I agree with her about the frustration part.
She said that I can spend as much time as needed to clear my head and I'm allowed to stay here until I find a new place to live. Unfortunately the house is hers, and life is going to be weird to adjust to alone. But she's right that it will be less busy and more quiet, which I'm excited and looking forward to. I am also happy about not having to share my home with a tree frog, her two dogs, and two cats, and whatever other critter she brings home for the night.
TL:DR: I tried to apologize to my girlfriend to work things out, but she didn't care at all and then we broke up. She still decided to choose animals over me and that's okay because I'm honestly done too. It was a nice five years. | red_earaches | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mm8l42/my_girlfriend_24_f_wanted_another_pet_and_i_27_m/ | mm8l42 | 8,096 | 396 | [
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2021-04-08T19:53:14 | "My Daughter Disowned my Grandson" | r/JUSTNOFAMILY | ***This is a repost. The*** [***original post***](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/agos9a/my_daughter_disowned_my_grandson/) ***is by*** /u/GrandmommaOfDragons.
Well, I'm furious.
This morning, my sixteen year old grandson showed up at my doorstep with a bag looking like he'd just had the stuffing knocked out of him. He lives two states away and travelled by bus to get here. Why? Because my daughter decided the best way to handle him coming out to her was to toss him out into the cold.
I'm so angry with her that I don't want to type out things that I will one day regret, but Jesus, I thought I raised her better than that.
My grandson is currently sleeping in his new bedroom, and I'm at a bit of a loss as to how to proceed from here. The poor child has just had his entire world turned upside down, but what do I say and do to make this right for him? He doesn't want to go back, daughter doesn't want him back, I'm absolutely fine with having him stay with me, but there's a lot that needs doing.
More importantly, what channels would I need to go through to make sure my daughter gets her just deserts? I love her, and I'll likely always love her, but I raised them all to be accountable for their actions, and nobody hurts my grandbabies.
\*Edit: I appreciate all the help and assistance that has been offered, and I have spoken with my lawyer. I have been advised not to speak about legal matters until we have the situation handled. Financially, I have done very well for myself and can provide everything my grandson wants and needs without causing myself financial difficulty. For these reasons, I would humbly request that people stop messaging me with advice and offers of aid at this time.
I am extremely grateful, and I am so touched by this show of love and support from complete strangers, but it's becoming very overwhelming on my end.
When things are settled, I will update you all on the outcome. Thank you again for your love, support, and advice.
[**UPDATE 1**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/al05ux/daughter_disowned_my_grandson_update/)
**No Advice Wanted**
My grandson is in therapy and has been enrolled at school. He has been placed in my custody while CPS proceeds. My lawyer is handling all necessary paperwork and believes we have absolutely nothing to worry about. Our case worker has echoed this. I will not be discussing legal matters further.
My daughter is facing criminal charges for her actions. Child abandonment is a very serious crime. Her actions reflect very poorly on her as a whole. Upon realising that her income was being cut off and that she had committed a fair number of crimes, she instantly began to plead that she hadn't meant to and it had been a heat of the moment decision that she regretted.
Considering she has already thrown out all of my grandson's clothing and worldly possessions, this defense did not hold up to scrutiny.
My grandson is as well as can be expected. He's made friends in the form of my neighbour's kids. They're around his age. We've redecorated his room and he had a good time being allowed to pick out his own furniture and paint. He's gotten a PS4 which has become his escape. He personally has made the choice to not join a group and I won't force him to do so. We're talking about getting a puppy as he loves dogs but his mother never allowed him one.
We are doing well. Thank you all again for your support when this began.
[**UPDATE 2**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/axk9yg/daughter_disowned_my_grandson_update_2/)
**No Advice Wanted**
My grandson is doing well. He has made a few friends in the neighbourhood and he has bonded with his pup quite nicely. The two are almost inseparable save for when he is in school. He has begun meeting with a counsellor that offers online sessions.
My daughter has been granted a plea deal which she has accepted to avoid the full extent of what the courts would have otherwise given her. I am told by my lawyer that this is a common occurrence in such situations in order to expedite proceedings so as to best see to the child's needs. The charges against my daughter were dropped in accordance with this deal, and she has been stripped of her parental rights.
Due to much of what came to light during proceedings, a restraining order was granted to keep her away from my grandson until he reaches his majority.
We are moving forward with life. Now that court and other proceedings are winding down, I am once more considering moving. Even with my grandson here, the house is just to big for us, and the weather isn't as kind to my bones as it was when I was younger. My grandson is open to the idea and views it as a fresh start.
This situation has allowed me to glean things about my family that I find very useful. The relatives that sided with my daughter and told her it was her right to do as she did as a god-fearing woman have been struck from my phonebook. Unfortunately, I count another of my children in this list. Those who took my grandson's side (note, it is very much his side and not my side) have shown themselves to be the good people I knew them to be. The wheat has separated itself from the chaff.
I do believe this will be my last post here as there is just not much more to add, but I just wanted this lovely community to know that we will be okay. | Songdoves | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mmzzfw/my_daughter_disowned_my_grandson/ | mmzzfw | 5,368 | 1,315 | [
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2021-04-08T22:50:18 | OP's abusive ex is in an accident and she refuses to serve as an emergency contact. His parents want to sue. | LegalAdvice | *repost, original [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/mev6ri/am_i_in_trouble_for_refusing_to_cooperate_with_a/) by u/Zavarakatranemi
PNW/US
3 years ago I was in a relationship. He was abusive, did some really deplorable things I found about later. I made a report, got a restraining order, and haven't spoken to him or anyone that knows him in 3 years.
A week ago he was in an accident. His phone was destroyed/could not be accessed but he had some information in his wallet. He still had me as his emergency contact. I was not aware he had added me as his emergency contact at any point.
I got a call Monday from an unknown number, it was someone from a hospital. They started telling me my ex was in a serious accident - I immediately cut them off and said "I don't care who this is, do not contact me again". They called back and asked if I could help them get in contact with someone else (at least I think that's what they wanted, I didn't let them finish) I cut them off pretty fast and said "I don't care, I hope he dies, do not contact me again" and hung up again.
His sister (we were friendly but I cut contact after the break-up) messaged me yesterday only letting me know that their family hired a lawyer to sue me for refusing to take the hospital's call, causing a delay in his treatment. He also had some allergies and medical details they didn't know about which caused complications and skyrocketed his medical bills. I had no idea about either.
Am I in any kind of trouble here?
 
 
[** UPDATE**](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/mmxjnz/update_am_i_in_trouble_for_refusing_to_cooperate/)
As of today, all is quiet. Here is a mini an update to clarify a few things and provide more information that sadly came my way without my consent (bumped into an old mutual friend who decided to fill me in).
* My ex’ sister did not contact me maliciously to scare me. Her message was polite and wanted to give me a heads up on her parents’ actions (which she does not condone) in case anything came my way.
* Ex was hit by a car while he was out jogging at night. He wasn’t wearing reflective clothing, and wasn’t carrying much on him (phone, key, wallet). He apparently owns a medical bracelet (?) but he wasn’t wearing it (I don’t remember him ever wearing anything on his wrists when we were together either). I believe him not wearing his medical bracelet is the nail on the coffin of any duty or involvement from my part in any way, shape or form.
* Turns out he is allergic to one of the agents in the anesthesia process, either the pain relief (barbiturates?), or the anesthetic itself (Propofol?). I am using “allergic” because I am not sure what the correct term is here. Allergic? Intolerant? Prone to side-effects? Friend’s words were “he didn’t respond well to the anesthesia and had an adverse reaction, which complicated things”. I will call it allergy for the sake of simplicity.
* I vaguely remember him mentioning that he’s “allergic to anesthesia” once, when he was talking about a knee surgery he had as a child. That has been the extent of my knowledge of his “allergy”. I did not remember even this information until the friend mentioned the issue.
* Apparently when he was intubated/prepared for surgery/some other step, the above "allergy" caused some additional complications that made his procedure more difficult/aggravated the state of his health/changed the “default process”, and increased the cost exponentially.
* I have no contact information of his or his family. I don’t remember his parents’ names, and I never had their numbers. His sister’s name is the only one I know because we were friends. Me and her have also never exchanged numbers - our interactions have always been on FB Messenger.
* His parents believe I knew the information above about his allergy, and refused to share it with the hospital maliciously/ refused to share their contact information with the hospital (which I do not have). They are stressed and scared because their son is in the hospital, and angry because they believe some of the additional burden could have been avoided had I taken the call. They are mistaken, but I understand you cannot reason even with the most otherwise level-headed of people when their child is fighting for their life.
* That being said, if they proceed with their lawsuit (which I doubt), I have given my lawyer who handled my RO the heads up (including this update) and we are fully prepared.
* My ex was intubated and completely out of it when I received the heads up from his sister, so he did not orchestrate this. I don’t know if he’s awake now.
Given the above, I doubt his sister is in violation of the RO since she didn’t contact me on his or anyone’s behalf but her own. She gave me information on her parents’ intended actions, so I would not be blindsided. I wouldn’t want to get her in trouble either way. | Strider_A | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mn3nfj/ops_abusive_ex_is_in_an_accident_and_she_refuses/ | mn3nfj | 4,935 | 243 | [
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2021-04-09T03:07:49 | 33M wants to kindly stop chatting with his chatty 78M neighbor | Relationships | [I [33M] need a way to kindly communicate to my neighbor [78M] that I do not want to be close friends](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/lxbu9o/i_33m_need_a_way_to_kindly_communicate_to_my/)
A little over a year ago, shortly after moving into a new house that I am currently renting, I met Jim \[78M, not his real name\], who lives down my block. My first impression of Jim was that he was quite nice. He is a dog person (as am I, having just adopted one last year) and I would often encounter him on his front stoop while walking my dog. He's an intelligent and in some ways interesting person, and we've had a few interesting conversations about politics, literature, and such, although sometimes he would get very long-winded and I would politely hide the fact that I was bored and wanted to leave, or get on with my walk. He once offered to lend me a cone collar when my dog got injured (though I already had one).
My second impression of Jim is that while gregarious, he's obviously quite lonely, and I think that this has resulted in behavior that some might find weird or off putting. He feeds stray cats in the neighborhood. Pretty much every time I run into him, he will, if I give him the opportunity, want to stop and talk with me--beyond a simple "hello" and brief exchange of words--and I feel rude if I continue walking (for my part, I am introverted, and especially in the morning when I have just gotten up and am cranky and haven't had my coffee, need to just *walk* and be alone with my thoughts). Sometimes I almost feel like he is waiting for me, or someone, to present an opportunity for conversation. I get the sense that he is depressed, and that his friendliness masks a lot of sadness. Sometimes I've run into him while we are walking our dogs. We will chat, and then he will ask me if I am walking back to the street we live on. When I've said yes, he has proclaimed "Okay, we're all going together!" and merrily started walking back with me, and it's weird.
Sometimes I find myself in a situation where as I am walking down our street, Jim will return from wherever in his car, park in my vicinity (perhaps near me the only on the street place to park?), get out of the car and start greeting me and trying to initiate a conversation. I feel rude if I don't stop and talk to him. It occurred to me just today that this has happened a conspicuous number of times, and I'm starting to wonder if it's more than a coincidence, but I might be getting paranoid. But in any case, it feels like I'm being ambushed with a greeting and I often just don't have the energy to stop and talk.
Jim suggested very early on in our acquaintance that if I ever just wanted to talk, about anything, that I just call him. I thought that was a very kind offer, especially during the era of COVID. Except that in the back of my mind it just seemed odd, especially since I didn't know him all that well and because of the age difference between us.
Jim has stated several times that after COVID is over, we'll get coffee and have a long conversation. By now, I'm certain that I don't want to do this. I generally don't like talking about my life--there are a lot of things I'm unhappy about at the moment--and it is hard to avoid stumbling upon painful topics when doing so. The circle of people I confide in is small, and for whatever reason(s), I don't want to add Jim to it.
**tldr**; I believe Jim is a nice guy, and I sympathize with the fact that he's lonely, but I think his loneliness makes him oblivious to certain cues that I want some space, and he seems to want a close personal relationship with emotional disclosure, whereas I really just want to be friendly acquaintances. I don't have the emotional energy to be anything more, and there is an undertone of desperation for closeness with a much younger person that I find strange.
One caveat. Several months ago I incurred a severe dog bite and called several people in desperate need of a ride to the hospital. Jim was one of them. He missed my call and someone else gave me a ride, but he would certainly have provided one, and I haven't forgotten this. Perhaps this means I owe him something, and am being unduly harsh.
So here are my questions:
1. Am I being too judgmental of Jim?
2. 2. If and when he proposes a get-together, how do I decline him without being unnecessarily hurtful?
3. 3. Or should I be nice and just give him a chance, and say yes to his offer?
4. 4. The fact of our age difference is one reason why I find his interest unusual. Is this prejudiced of me/not a good reason to be a bit weirded out?
Thank you.
[
[Update] I [33M] need a way to kindly communicate to my neighbor [78m] that I do not want to be close friends](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/mmwhys/update_i_33m_need_a_way_to_kindly_communicate_to/)
Edit: wow, 800 upvotes. Wanna hear about my other problems?
In my previous post, I talked about an elderly gentleman in my neighborhood, "Jim", who, while seemingly nice, doesn't seem to be responding to signals that I don't always feel like chatting. He also seems to be angling for a closer relationship, wants to spend more time with me, and wants me to open up to him and be the person that I come to when I need a shoulder to cry on.
The problem is that there's simply an asymmetry between how much we want to interact with each other, and he's very persistent about getting my undivided attention whenever I run into him--which, to be clear, I've given him a lot of. I run into him almost every day and more often than not chat with him, which is usually guaranteed to eat up a lengthy chunk of time.
Jim has done things like
\-Park his car next to me, get out and start greeting me.
\-Ask me my destination, then declared that he's going the same way and that we're walking together.
\-If nothing else, he just starts talking to me when I'm walking quickly or not making eye contact, and politeness requires me to stop and chat with him.
For context, Jim also seems mentally sharp and has the use of his senses. He doesn't have any signs of dementia and I've had exchanges with him from 30 feet away.
Okay, so my question was how to politely refuse Jim's company. (Some people told me I'm obligated to talk to him whenever he wants to. I disagreed with this, and still do. It would mean there's nothing wrong with him saying or thinking "I have a right to your company and you do not have the right to refuse me," which basically assumes that he has ownership of my time and emotional energy, which he doesn't).
Anyway, the other day I was walking down the street. Jim was parked on the opposite side of the street and exited his car as I was approaching. He then called out:
Jim: "You look like you're in a hurry. Got time for a quick hello?"
I tried to say "Yeah, can we talk later?"
But instead, this happened:
"Yeah, can we--"
Jim: "What?" \*waddles up to me\*
By habit I stopped walking--again, I don't want to be rude. Jim approaches, my dog starts greeting him, he lavishes affection on her for a second, then asks me how I'm doing. I said "fine. I gotta go, sorry." He nodded, gave a wave, and then called out to me "We should have our long talk some time!"
**tl;dr:** I'm getting the sense that Jim is like a salesman, or a pickup artist. I think he can tell when people don't really feel like talking and has contingencies in play to get as much conversation out of them as he can. This isn't the first time an encounter like what I'm describing here has happened. I've never gotten the "What?!" \*approach\* treatment when I've stopped chat with him from across the street. He can read that I'm trying to extract myself from the encounter and knows how to interrupt.
At least that's my theory.
But whatever. He let me go eventually, and this doesn't really bother me as much as it used to.
Just thought people might be curious about an update. | wookiehaircare | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mn88q9/33m_wants_to_kindly_stop_chatting_with_his_chatty/ | mn88q9 | 7,926 | 96 | [
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2021-04-10T00:18:37 | "I refused to return a dog to someone claiming to be her owner. AITA?" | AITA | [Original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/gih4et/aita_for_refusing_to_return_a_lost_dog_that_was/) by u/whosedogisitanyway
# AITA for refusing to return a lost dog that was clearly well loved?
About 7 months ago a friend found a dog near her house. I took her in and called animal control. They said to bring her in to look for a microchip. She was underweight with dirty fur. AC couldn't find a microchip so they said I could hold onto her for a week and they would list her on their website and if nobody claimed her I could adopt her. So that's exactly what happened.
My dog now has shiny fur and is very healthy. She is polite and walks well on a leash. She does lots of tricks. I have depression and anxiety and she's my support animal. She's honestly the light of my life.
Last month I joined a Facebook group for the same unusual purebreed that my dog is. I posted a picture of her in the group. A woman was tagged and a few hours later she DMs me. She said my dog was her dog and she was so thankful I found her and wanted to arrange to come get her. She offered to pay me for taking good care of her.
I thought she was trying to scam me since she lived across the country but when I looked into it I found her IG with alot of dog pictures and videos. My dog has very unique markings so it was unmistakeably the same dog as the one in her pictures. My dog is a show champion and had a lot of training to do obedience, agility and a few others I've never heard of. She has alot of fancy titles too. My dog was clearly well cared for, well trained, and well loved.
She said her house caught fire last year and she lost everything, including my dog who ran away. Nobody knows how she traveled so far or what happened between when she got lost and when my friend found her. She never stopped looking for my dog. She even had a video of my dog as a super cute puppy getting a microchip. No idea why the shelter and my vet couldn't find it but my dog had one at some point.
Here's the part where I might be TA.I told the woman I appreciated the great job she did with my dog for the first few years of her life (she's 5) and I was sorry to hear about her circumstances but I couldn't give up my beloved girl. She's my support animal so I'm not even sure I could live without her. I offered to send her pictures regularly but she turned really nasty. I got tons of hateful messages from people I don't even know.
I had panic attacks whenever I got notifications because her friends acted like it's my fault. I didn't choose for this special dog to change my life so much anymore than she chose for my dog to get lost. I ultimately blocked her because she wouldn't leave me alone.
Since she was listed with the shelter for the hold period and no microchip was found, I've adopted her and she's mine. I am legally in the right but am I morally wrong? I know she loves my dog and wants her back but I can't picture a life without her. Not one where I'm happy anyway. If I could clone my dog and give this chick one I would.
AITA if I think about myself and my health and keep my dog since it's legally my right to anyway?
​
The comments on that post were just reply after reply AFTER REPLY of people telling OP that they were being selfish and that they should give the dog back.
And then OP posted [an update.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/grmq4n/update_aita_for_refusing_to_return_a_dog_that_was/) It got removed before any comments were posted, but I messaged one of the mods on r/AmItheAsshole asking about it and they happened to have it saved:
​
My previous post got an unexpectedly massive response. I got 1000s of messages. Most of which weren’t kind and many outright threatened to harm me. It wasn’t easy but I read every single comment and message.
The shelter let me foster my dog for the stray hold when they couldn’t find a chip. They were pretty full and it kept her out of a cage. I would’ve happily given her back if she was claimed then. When nobody did I took her to be spayed and signed adoption papers.
You don’t see her breed alot but it’s not rare. I won’t say what breed but not a retriever or equally common. The shelter had her listed as the right breed.
I learned unique markings aren't always so unique. I've since found two other dogs that could be her twin. I compared her to the pics of the woman’s dog again. Her dog’s face is what made me think they're the same but my dog has a tiny bit of white on one of her toes that the other dog doesn’t.
Two days after making my last post I took her to the vet. The vet said fur color can be effected if the skin and hair follicles are damaged. She didn’t have a toe injury when she was found so she was probably born that way.
The vet scanned her whole body and took xrays because it was eating me not to know. No microchip anywhere. The vet said they can fall out but it’s super rare. Her teeth are very white so the vet thinks she’s 2-3. I said she was 5 because that’s how old the woman said her lost dog was and initially I did think they were the same.
She doesn’t know special commands like the woman’s dog in her videos. She walks nice, sit, come but won’t pick stuff up or other commands her dog knew.
My therapist and I talked about my selfish response to this stress and how I'd like to react in the future. We explored what my life might look like if I gave my dog up and talked about my support people and coping skills because it isn’t fair for my dog to be my only support.
I unblocked the woman to say I want what’s best for the dog but she’s NOT unhappy and loves her life with me. I offered to send in my dog’s DNA to compare to her dog’s DNA. She said she didn’t have her dog’s to compare. I suggested she ask the breeder for a relative’s DNA. She said that wasn’t an option. I said I’m uncomfortable giving my dog up if we aren’t 100% sure our dogs are the same dog. She was angry and still thinks they're the same despite the evidence.
I consulted with an animal lawyer who said my case is strong since I adopted legally, the shelter followed protocol, there’s no microchip, reasonable doubt in markings and age and the woman won’t provide DNA of her dog or a relative.
There are alot of similarities but alot differences too. I'll return her if DNA confirms a match but until then she stays with me. She needs stability and I won’t give her away on coincidence alone.
I doubt I'll give any more updates but thanks to everyone who helped me prioritize the dog in this mess. | MissBarker93 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mnu5rf/i_refused_to_return_a_dog_to_someone_claiming_to/ | mnu5rf | 6,554 | 499 | [
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2021-04-10T01:42:34 | OP refuses to drive a girl home after their date despite her asking twice. Is shocked when there is no second date. | AITA | [deleted] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mnvhd6/op_refuses_to_drive_a_girl_home_after_their_date/ | mnvhd6 | 9 | 221 | [
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2021-04-10T06:20:42 | Friend keeps making comments about OP's boobs. OP has finally had enough of it. | AITA | [deleted] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mnzgei/friend_keeps_making_comments_about_ops_boobs_op/ | mnzgei | 9 | 420 | [
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2021-04-10T07:53:11 | OP's son wants to go to arts in uni. OP would prefer a more practical degree. | AITA | [deleted] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mo0iig/ops_son_wants_to_go_to_arts_in_uni_op_would/ | mo0iig | 9 | 171 | [
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2021-04-10T08:01:47 | OP wants to keep his wife from finding out that he's dying. | AITA | [deleted] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mo0lwx/op_wants_to_keep_his_wife_from_finding_out_that/ | mo0lwx | 9 | 247 | [
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2021-04-10T20:35:44 | "My girlfriend believes she's a cat. Should I break up with her?" | Relationship_Advice | [Original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/h7brue/my_24m_girlfriend_26f_fully_believes_that_she_is/) by [u/ThrowRA20202004](https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRA20202004/)
​
**My (24M) girlfriend (26F) fully believes that she is a cat in a human's body.**
​
Tl;dr: gf now thinks she is an otherkin, a cat in a human's body and refuses to see anything wrong with the situation. The echo chamber she is now has done nothing but enable her and I don't know what to do.
I know people are going to think I'm either trolling or baiting but please read before you comment + this post has nothing to do with gender or trans issues and I am in no way intending to be offensive or anything.
So Gf and I have been together for nearly 8 months, and she's always been a very quirky and nerdy person: does cosplays, very into anime and roleplaying, etc... Nothing too weird. We've been kinda distant lately with everything going on and me being an essential worker so haven't seen each other and only talk for half an hour a day. Well, last Tuesday we got to hang out at her place and she wore cat ears a and a belt with a tail the entire time. At first I thought it was either going to be a sex surprise or her testing a new cosplay, but nope, she sat me down, asked me if I really do love her, then hit me with a very long monologue that essentially summed up to "I'm a cat in a human body". Wish I was joking.
I thought I misunderstood and then believed that maybe it was a weird joke but she kept being serious about it, and doubling down. I left shortly after because I had a shift at work, and I still believed it was an oddly drawn out joke nothing more. She ended up texting me with resources to help me understand, which is when I realized that she really is serious. Apparently she believes she is an otherkin: a person who holds the belief that they are not human. She says she was introduced to this by one of her friends months ago and has since joined discords and communities of others like her. Her friend believes he is a demon trapped in a human body, and she sent me a testimonial that was supposed to be touching but its basically just about a dude thinking he is Naruto. I'm not joking. She explained her otherkin type as being a cat, and now she 100% thinks she is a cat. How did she know she was a cat you ask? According to her: sleeping a lot, liking the sun, hating water, feeling more comfortable crawling on all fours, and claiming to understand what cats are saying and being able to talk to them through meowing. She has also apparently been distant with nearly everybody we know IRL as I got multiple messages asking me to let her know to be in touch with them.
My head has been spiraling this past week, I keep thinking its a joke but nope she is deathly serious about this and has handed in her two weeks resignation at her job because cats don't work. Again, I wish I was joking. I've been limiting my interactions with her ever since, because this is hurting my head a whole lot and I just can't cope. She has also surrounded herself with a large amount of yes men and women who support her 100% and are enabling this, some even encouraging her to make a Patreon and make otherkin content that they would contribute to, which she brought up when I asked her about quitting her job. To make things worse, I can't discuss this with anyone in real life because I know how crazy it sounds and I know that leaving her is a valid option but I'm in love with this woman and now I don't recognize her and I know that there is something very very wrong and I can't reach out to her and she refuses to hear anything from me unless it is unconditional support. What the fuck do i do ?
EDIT: Just got off work and was very surprised with the amount of comments, I honestly just expected a bunch calling me crazy. I'm reading through them now and I want to say thank you to everybody who took the time out of their day to give me advice, I truly appreciate it. To address some things:
\- Her and I have been friends for 2+ years prior to dating, so that is why I am reluctant to just up and leave.
\- I've read a comment asking if she has a history of mental illness, and not to my knowledge? Aside from her being diagnosed with mild social anxiety in high school. I am going to try and reach out to her mom to get her to check up on her, and maybe even visit. They have a good relationship, so maybe that will help.
\- Yesterday was the first time I truly confronted what was going on, as I have been kind of shelving it and just praying and hoping it was some kind of drawn out joke. But now that I've had time to truly ponder it, I think it has been a long time coming. She's been buying a lot of cat memorabilia and a lot of her cosplays are cat related, and when I brought up the possibility of me getting a cat in the near future she made a joke about being too territorial for a cat, and now that I think about it...well, yeah.
\-I don't know who demon man really is, all I know is that he has been part of her virtual DnD group since last year. Also so far no litterbox in the picture, sorry to disappoint/relieve some of you. When I asked her about her plans as a "cat" other than quitting her job, she had sent me her to do list which I didn't bother opening or reading until yesterday because I was too busy wishing all of this was a fever dream. The To do list includes purchasing a scratch post for her nails, switching to an carnivore diet, and dying her hair red because she is a ginger cat. Yup.
\-As much as it hurts, I have no intention to continue to be in a romantic relationship with her because she will absolutely not hear anything if it's not 100% support. I love her, but I love myself and I don't want to be dragged down to something like this especially when it feels like I'm talking to a brick wall. I will however try to remain in contact with her just to make sure she's not spiraling towards a mental break. I will visit her today to have a talk and officially break it off even though she's been refusing to see me unless I am completely on board, I will update if anything interesting happens. Then I will buy a couple of bottles of alcohol and down them in my flat, no judgement.
\-I've really enjoyed the cat puns, and apparently I need to google who Maureen is.
​
And then OP posted [an update.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/h8wzqq/update_my_24m_girlfriend_26f_fully_believes_that/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) The post was removed, but it's archived on Removeddit.
​
Hello, it’s me again. The man from reddit with the cat girlfriend. Well, ex-girlfriend now. My previous post has made its way to Instagram, Facebook and Twitter so I figured I’d give one final update before logging out of this account and never coming back.
I was supposed to visit my now ex on Friday, but didn’t end up doing so until yesterday. I wanted to talk face to face, and to get back some of the stuff I’ve left behind at her house. The meeting didn’t go well, she was very adamant that anything that wasn’t full on support was a personal attack and invalidating to her identity. I’ve tried to ask questions, some of which she answered, some not. She had intended to move in with me because in her best case scenario, « I would truly love her and want to support her in living her truth », and that would include me assuming a sort of caretaker role. She has enough savings to last her a while, since her job was pretty lucrative, but she is now planning on moving in with three other people from her otherkin discord to get the true support she deserves. Demon dude whose name is apparently Azkaban and another girl and her boyfriend, for a true sense of community. I don’t know if that’s codeword for polyamory. I brought up therapy but she got really mad over it, saying she doesn’t need it because she is not ill and this is an innate part of her that has been there since childhood. Also, her apartment is now more populated with cat stuff as she has spent nearly 900 Euros over various things, which made me concerned over her new spending habits and how long her savings will last. Objects purchased include: a scratch post, a very large pet bed, cat toys.... and bowls. That’s what I could see in the living room anyways.
I left her place with my stuff and then called her mom afterwards. I didn’t say anything about the cat ordeal, but told her that her daughter and I broke up and that she fell in with a pretty weird group and has now quit her job with no warning and no backup plan, and is also intending to move in with 3 other people I’ve never met or seen. Her mom seemed to take me seriously, and said she’s been concerned lately since they’ve been talking less than usual lately but she chalked it up to quarantine. I told her that she should really visit her in person and stay with her for at least a week, and she said she would.
I also texted three of her friends, and told them that we broke up and that she is going through a very rough patch and that she needs them to be there for her and that they should contact and call her and try to visit when they can. Didn’t tell them anything about her quitting her job and wanting to move in with mister Azkaban. Hopefully her mom and friends can do more good than me, and that she’d be willing to listen to them or at least concede some points. Because she was told by her internet friends and supporters that if her partner isn’t ready to fully validate and uplift her no questions asked, then I am toxic and abusive.
A lot of people might think I’m personally not doing enough, but our relationship was built on mutual trust and respect and I have been getting none of those things. I’m not interested in this lifestyle and never will be, and I can’t force her to get help or go to therapy because at the end of the day, she is a 26 year old woman. And to add another thing, I don’t believe all otherkin people are this unhinged, but everybody on the discord server falls into the extreme side of this subculture, some left their spouses and children, others stopped taking their meds and some are engaging in very harmful behavior. Obviously 40+ of them being in the same echo chamber egging each other on will only lead to disastrous results.
To address some comments and private messages I’ve seen calling me a negligent abuser for not knowing about her discord friends and dismissing her whenever she tried to have a conversation after she « came out », and an obvious workaholic for not giving her enough attention during last month: I am a med equipment's repair tech, I’ve barely had enough time to scratch my own head lately. Yes, I wasn’t the most available I’ll admit that, but I’ve always made sure to talk to her at least once a day. When it comes to her friends, I am on good terms with all her IRL ones but she rarely mentions her online ones except the virtual DnD group members.
As for how I handled conversations after her « coming out », I was freaked out and in disbelief, and every question I asked was met with hostility as if I was questioning just an everyday totally normal occurrence. Also, if you’re telling me you wouldn’t exit the conversation and lock your phone after your girlfriend starts talking to you about godkin and how her friend is one who is Zeus reincarnated and has three different children by three different women, then congrats you’re a stronger man than I ever will be.
Also, this whole thing is apparently more common than I thought, although not quite to this extreme and usually happens to high school kids.
To close it off, I have a fair amount of whiskey on my table and all the people commenting with Maureen references convinced me to watch It’s always sunny for a good laugh. My friend and her wife invited me to go with them to her dad’s cabin next weekend, and in a month or two I’ll probably get on Tinder. My life sucks right now, but it’s not gonna suck forever. That’s just how it is sometimes.
Peace out and thanks for all the advice. | MissBarker93 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mociol/my_girlfriend_believes_shes_a_cat_should_i_break/ | mociol | 12,143 | 585 | [
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2021-04-11T02:11:16 | Mother takes her kid out of doctor care despite advice. Child passes away and mom tries to sue nurse. | Other | [deleted] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/moi6u6/mother_takes_her_kid_out_of_doctor_care_despite/ | moi6u6 | 9 | 0 | [
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2021-04-11T03:16:15 | Mother takes kid out of doctor care despite advice. Tragedy happens. Mom tries to sue. | r/entitledparents | [deleted] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/moj7cq/mother_takes_kid_out_of_doctor_care_despite/ | moj7cq | 9 | 440 | [
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2021-04-11T19:11:58 | ”AITA for turning my partner's mother away?” | AITA | [Original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/melv79/aita_for_turning_my_partners_mother_away/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) by [u/Chrimpsy](https://www.reddit.com/u/Chrimpsy/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
Context: I (32f) own my home. I started dating someone (35m) around 18 months ago, and his earnings were impacted by the pandemic so he asked to move in with me. I wasn't 100% comfortable but I agreed. It's been going fairly well.
I haven't been able to get to know my partner's family the way I would if things had been organic. We met a few times and I've spoken to them via video call. They seem pleasant.
Unlike him, I've been able to work from home for the past year, and the toll it took was that I gained weight. It's not a big problem, but I bought some equipment and committed to working out at lunchtime 3x a week.
Yesterday, I had an unexpected knock at the door around lunchtime. It was my boyfriend's mother. She said she was in the area and decided to come for lunch so we could get to know each other better. I told her I had plans (working out then showering) but that if she wanted to arrange something in advance another day I'd really like to spend some time with her. She seemed a bit shocked, but she left without incident.
When my SO got back from work he erupted the second he got through the door. His position is that his family are welcome any time in his home, whether he's there or not. He is not prepared to budge on that. My position is that if someone turns up unannounced they don't get to be offended when someone doesn't invite them in.
As I'm free to be honest here, I do not consider this his home. Our agreement is that he pays for half of the bills (energy, internet, water etc) but the mortgage is mine. It's my home, he's here because he couldn't make rent and ultimately if I don't like unannounced visits then they don't happen. He's been calling me a narcissist and saying that I'm on a power trip etc, whereas I think I'm enforcing a perfectly sensible boundary.
Am I the asshole here?
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/mouh46/update_aita_for_turning_my_ex_partners_mother_away/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
First of all, thank you to everyone who took the time to comment on my post. It was overwhelming but amazing.
I took everyone's points on board and initially decided to speak to a solicitor before acting. It was a nice idea but it didn't last.
I mentioned previously that he had been storming around my house and not speaking to me since everything happened with his mum, and unfortunately it all came to a head when he came downstairs for some food and broke a glass.
Accidents happen, but he was on day 3 of a tantrum when he smashed a tumbler which was part of the set I bought to celebrate buying my home. It was the final straw.
I walked into the kitchen when I heard the noise, saw what he'd broken, and the look on my face must have said it all because he immediately started apologising and babbling about how he hates it when we fight and wants things to go back to how they were (just to confirm, he had holed up in the spare room and made a point of banging around the house like a child for THREE DAYS at this point.)
Long story short, in the spur of the moment I told him to get the fuck out. It was around 9pm, so not an ideal time, but for whatever reason the anger right then was more extreme than anything I've ever felt. I won't go into too much detail but it was a big screaming argument and he did not leave willingly. Obviously he went straight to his mum's house and as far as I know he's been there since.
Now he's gone I couldn't be happier. I was uncomfortable with the situation from the second he brought his stuff here, and I have not felt sad for even a second since he left. I spent the best part of a year tolerating him and I had no idea how much it had worn me down until he left.
His sister sent me a really lovely and understanding message when we arranged for her to collect the rest of his things, and his mum sent me a weird rant about how I'm a selfish bitch who will never manage to keep a man if I carry on like this. I sent a very nasty response to the mum about her parenting skills, and the sister and I are planning on having an afternoon on the wine together as soon as things open up.
Everything worked out perfectly for me, and I wrote this update whilst I waited for my Indian takeaway to arrive (he hated Indian food) and drank a nice glass of red wine (he prefers beer so somehow that was all I used to buy?!). Cheers all, your validation really was the turning point. | Downelius | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mox5w3/aita_for_turning_my_partners_mother_away/ | mox5w3 | 4,739 | 590 | [
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2021-04-12T13:00:15 | Short and sweet: OP's dog, Duke, has parvo, but he pulls through. | r/dogs | *This is a repost. The original* *post* *is by* u/itsCaline.
*For those who don't know, parvo (canine parvovirus) is a highly contagious virus which causes a gastrointestinal (GI) illness in puppies and young dogs, and it's usually deadly, even with treatment.*
# [\[Fluff\] Even if he doesn't make it, this lill pup is a warrior.](https://www.reddit.com/r/dogs/comments/kovo3e/fluff_even_if_he_doesnt_make_it_this_lill_pup_is/)
[This is Duke.](https://imgur.com/gallery/hGGH8Ou)
After 2 weeks of being poked around by veterinarians, being given false diagnosis multiple times and having the initial veterinarian give my puppy the wrong first vaccine, we were finally given a diagnosis of parvovirus. We ended up keeping him on an IV infusion and hoping for the best. During my visit today, despite him being lethargic, he smelled my hand, got up and started doing some of the tricks we taught him on his own. He also went on to drink some water on his own. His eyes still sparkled. He was given a 10-20% chance of survival. Even if chances are slim, he will always be a tough nut to crack in my eyes. When I say the world doesn't deserve dogs, I really mean it.
*From the comment section*:
Commenter A: If he is still alive after two weeks that's good news. Seriously.
OP: I really hope so, Duke has been trying so hard!
Commenter B: I am not a vet. Sites that I looked at say that dogs usually survive if they make it past the first 3-4 days. And doing tricks is an excellent sign.
OP: His white blood cell count came near 0, so we're worried he would catch any secondary infection. But this restored my hope somehow. Thank you from both me and Duke! x
# [\[UPDATE\] Duke beat parvo's ass!](https://www.reddit.com/r/dogs/comments/ksbpo4/update_duke_beat_parvos_ass/)
Last week, I posted on here about my little dog Duke. I had lost all hope but little did I know he'd pull through a 10-20% chance of survival.
[He got discharged just an hour ago!](https://imgur.com/gallery/dyfUwyS)
We both thank you so much for all your thoughts. Sending you love x
Here's what I posted a week ago! [Little Duke made it!](https://www.reddit.com/r/dogs/comments/kovo3e/fluff_even_if_he_doesnt_make_it_this_lill_pup_is/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) | dracapis | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mpdc1i/short_and_sweet_ops_dog_duke_has_parvo_but_he/ | mpdc1i | 2,279 | 314 | [
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2021-04-13T00:16:03 | Bridezilla wants her cousin to dye her red hair. | AITA | Two cousins that were having an argument about a dress code for an upcoming wedding made two separate posts on r/AmItheAsshole.
​
[First post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/essrci/aita_for_asking_my_bridesmaid_to_temporarily/) by [u/dreamdaythrowaway](https://www.reddit.com/user/dreamdaythrowaway/)
​
**AITA for asking my bridesmaid to temporarily change her vibrant hair colour for my colour schemed wedding?**
My 24 f bridsemaid / cousin Ella 26 f is to be in my wedding party in June. The ongoing issue is that my wedding has a blue and green peacock theme and guests have been asked to follow this colour scheme with their clothes. Hair wasn't originally included at all in the colour scheme but my cousin Ella has natural bright ginger hair.
I would never ask someone to permemnantly change their hair for my wedding, I know that would be bonkers so I suggested some temporary hair dye, but Ella argued that she has been growing her hair for 6 years and doesn't want to risk the colour not washing out. I thought this was ridiculous because it literally says washes out in like 14 washes. But Ella says because her hair is completely natural colour it might take strongly to her hair.
So I gave up on that avenue and suggested a wig, it is 1 day 1 single day and there are some amazing wigs these days, I had a look on Instagram and you wouldn't even be able to tell. But she said she would feel self conscious and weird wearing a wig and that because her hair is butt length that it might sit weird on her head. So she won't dye it, and won't cover it up. I really don't want to come across as a bridezilla but butt length flaming red hair will destroy the wedding photos, and ruin the colour scheme completely.
Im at a loss, I can't cut her from the wedding because my mom would murder me but I can't have freaking Merida ruining the photos, AITA for asking this of her for just 1 single day?
tl;dr bridesmaid has flaming red hair and refusing to hide it for one single day for my wedding that has a colour scheme it will clash with aita
EDIT: Ella has dropped out of the wedding because we couldn't reach a compromise so it doesn't matter anymore. I now have to deal with my mom and aunt chewing me out over it all.
EDIT: OK I get it jesus iata please leave it be now, I decided to link ella this post as it hit twitter and i was worried she would hear about it anyway, we will be working to reach a compromise.
​
[Second post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ezb2co/wibta_if_i_refused_to_attend_my_cousins_wedding/) by u/freakingmerida
​
**WIBTA if I refused to attend my cousins wedding after she asked me to dye my ginger hair?**
​
Yes I'm aware that my cousin posted here and oh the irony as i showed her this sub last year, but I really don't care if she sees this, maybe it'll hammer the point home. And I doubt she will see it as they are currently on their pre wedding honeymoon, legit didn't even know those were a thing. So Amy is getting married, she has a blue and green and purple theme for the wedding. People are supposed to wear these colours including the moh and the bridesmaids. What irked me about that post was that my hair is NOT FLAMING MERIDA RED. maybe slightly more \[ginger\] ([https://ibb.co/w4yrCCk](https://ibb.co/w4yrCCk)) in low light This whole thing is completely insane to me and I have no idea where it has come from.
My [hair](https://ibb.co/y4dKsCZ) \[2\] ([https://ibb.co/3BVPgBf](https://ibb.co/3BVPgBf)) [3](https://ibb.co/MD1V7NH) is what i would describe as strawberry blonde, maybe ginger blonde. Those are actual picture's of my hair not some poor stranger's instagram. Things have been awkward from the start with Amy demanding that everyone has to stick to this dress code or they will be barred by security at the damn door. She has also asked anyone with hair past their waist to cut it in a Facebook post but it got no replies and I can't think of anyone except me and maybe my sister with suoer long hair. My mum and dad are both way more ginger than me and my sister who is 8 months pregnants hair is not much shorter than mine and is super ginger, and Amy never asked her to touch her hair? if anything I got the dull hair geane.
At first Amy called up to tell me she had made a post here, I took a look and had to laugh to be honest, She linked me early on clealry thinking people would agree with her but she said she was worried because it blew up.
After things went south she decided to try and "negotiate" with me, still completely bizzare as my hair is not merida red. My mum and dad called round a few days back to talk about it but got absolutely nowhere with her as she's still insisting i dye my hair a dark brown for the day or get a wig.
My aunt, Amy's mom called to apologise to me and asked me to please come but I don't feel welcome, can you imagine attending a wedding where the bride stares daggers at you the whole time? and what if the security refuse to let me in. [these](https://www.frenchnovelty.com/sean-couture-peacock-corset-back-ball-gown-prom-dress-70567) are extremely similar to the gowns the bridesmaids are going to wear, I've tired mine on and it absolutely dose not clash at all. I brought and paid for my dress so I don't owe her anything but our families are so upset that I'm dropping out. But if I go I have no choice except to dye my hair as there never was a compromise or middle ground, it was dye it, buy a short brown bob wig or don't come. She specified it has to be a short brown bob wig for some reason.
WIBTA if I just say fuck it and stay home. EDIT also to be fair i dyed a small strand underneath to test how it washed out 4 weeks ago, it is STILL DARK BROWN | MissBarker93 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mpqy8u/bridezilla_wants_her_cousin_to_dye_her_red_hair/ | mpqy8u | 5,789 | 396 | [
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2021-04-13T08:56:08 | OP wants to drive 400 miles to confront their oldest brother not helping the family out. | AITA | [deleted] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mpye46/op_wants_to_drive_400_miles_to_confront_their/ | mpye46 | 9 | 147 | [
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2021-04-13T11:01:13 | OP has skills in a niche area which he only taught to 2 out of his 3 kids. | AITA | [deleted] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mpzx5r/op_has_skills_in_a_niche_area_which_he_only/ | mpzx5r | 9 | 416 | [
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2021-04-14T08:21:12 | [LONG] Robert is a cancer patient with an history of opioid abuse disorder. He asks about palliation, and receives an outpour of support. He will be remembered. | r/AskDocs | *This is a repost. The original* *post* *is by* u/medthrowaway87ei.
*Buprenorphine is an opioid used to treat opioid use disorder, acute pain, and chronic pain. Suboxone* *is one of its trade names. Opioid tolerance, which is what Robert is worried about, implies a lesser susceptibility to the effects of opioids and it may develop in individuals with long-term use of opioids.*
# [Suboxone patient dying of cancer. Concerned about palliation.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskDocs/comments/jr98zs/suboxone_patient_dying_of_cancer_concerned_about/)
41 yo white male, history of opioid abuse disorder, no major surgeries recently. 12mg bupenorphine/3mg naloxone 1x daily.
I'll spare you the gory details. Small cell lung cancer, inoperable, 4 months to live. I've been referred to palliation. I'm a grumpy bastard and my life has been pretty unpleasant in many regards so I'm actually not that worried about dying. Had to check out sometime, yeah?
What I AM worried about is pain relief as a long-term bupenorphine patient. Even if I went cold turkey today, which my prescribing physician recommends against, I'd still have somewhat of an opioid tolerance, no?
I don't meet with hospice till Friday, so I have some questions. Will hospice be able to meet my needs even though I have a tolerance? I don't want to die in pain and I'm really not in a position to book a euthanasia appointment on the other side of the country.
Thank you for your help.
# [41yo male dying of lung cancer, meeting with palliative physician today. What kinds of questions should I ask him?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskDocs/comments/jtiv4z/41yo_male_dying_of_lung_cancer_meeting_with/)
Hi everyone. Lung cancer guy again. Bad things are happening. Just got home from the hospital and barely avoided being admitted thanks to a palliative NP rushing over in the middle of the night to admit me into the home hospice program. I am forever grateful to her. I'm meeting the physician today. What kinds of questions should I ask?
My current list of questions is:
* Can you manage my pain after years of bupenorphine maintenance?
* Will someone be available to help me write letters? I'm cut off from my family but want to make amends.
* Will someone be with me all the time? I don't want to die alone and don't have anyone to call.
* Will I avoid terminal Restlessness and delirium? That is my only fear right now.
I don't think I have many more questions. Probably can't respond to many comments and PMs like I did last time. I'll try to post an update before I die.
Thank you for your help.
Edit: would also be nice to hear from others who have hospice experience.
Edit: thank you for your kind offers of helping me transcribe letters. I am not feeling strong enough tonight but perhaps tomorrow. Though, if things keep up at the same pace, tomorrow won't be looking too good. I will try to reach out if I can.
# [41yo suboxone patient with lung cancer. I don't mean to keep pestering this sub, but I thought I'd drop in to say good-bye. The cancer is in my heart and central cardiovascular area. It's over.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskDocs/comments/ju4mua/41yo_suboxone_patient_with_lung_cancer_i_dont/)
Hello all. I hope this update doesn't break any rules, as I suppose I do not have any questions. Mods, let me know. I did not want to just disappear from reddit. I know a number of you have been thinking about me.
I said I would post an update before I passed away and, well, here I am. I know it is fast. But things have been happening fast. I don't mean to flood this sub with my misery. I'm on some heavy duty medications. I hope this doesn't come off as rambling.
This will be my final post. The Cancer is all through both sides of my chest and above my collarbone. It's over.
I was diagnosed with Extensive Stage small cell lung cancer and given four months to live on the 6th. Well, it seems "two weeks" was a more accurate approximation of my time. I am not long for this world.
As for what happened-- I wasn't slated to meet my hospice team till yesterday, Friday. I went to the ER on Thursday with chest pain. They took a lot of fluid out of my chest. The ER physician described my imaging as "grotesque" and immediately asked if I had considered palliation. I said I didn't see hospice till tomorrow. He said if I wanted any chance of dying at home, I needed to see them NOW, otherwise he'd have to admit me. He won't be getting any awards for bedside manner any time soon, but I greatly appreciated his candor. Several urgent phone calls later I had a palliative Nurse Practitioner in my room who went through the screening process and admitted me to their home hospice program. I went home Friday morning with a hospice kit. Met the palliative physician that evening, shortly after I posted my list of questions here.
I will not see Christmas, or Thanksgiving, or even next weekend. Every breath is work. Each one more work than the last. My team estimates that, at this rate, I will die Tuesday at the absolute latest. Probably sooner. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe tonight.
My oncologist called to personally apologize for misjudging my remaining time, but I hold him no ill will. Determining the time of death is not an exact science. I know that. I'm arranging to donate my body to science. I want them to do an autopsy and see how it got me so quickly, to help other cancer patients. The oncologist thinks the cancer may have gotten to my heart or the major central blood vessels. I didn't think small cell could move THIS fast but my oncologist says we caught it late.
My hospice team has been wonderful. I have crossed tapered from bupenorphine-- which I discontinued Wednesday-- to methadone, with little difficulty. I have a lot of morphine and the option of hydromorphone is on the table as well if needed. I am comfortable and resting at home.
The next stop on the train is continuous sedation, and I am very tired, so I probably will not be able to respond to anyone like I did last time. My physician says we can start a midazolam drip as soon as tonight. I will probably take him up on the offer tomorrow, if I'm still alive.
I suppose this is a good place to share where my fears around palliation come from. I used to be an aid in a nursing home, many years ago. I saw a number of unpleasant deaths due to insufficient palliation. We had a wonderful man who was prescribed a self administration pump for morphine. Problem was, he was too sick to press it, and his physician did not seem to grasp the severity of his condition. Every half hour, one of us would sneak in and press the button on his pump, which, in hindsight, was probably illegal, but what else could we do? He was very uncomfortable at the end. I tried to do basic mouth care just before he passed and he recoiled in pain. "Have a heart", he whispered. It broke my heart to hear this admonition from such a wonderful man.
My greatest fear was Terminal Restlessness. I saw a few patients scratch their faces and tear their fingernails out as they died, even on high doses of opioids and benzodiazepines. My palliative physician has assured me that he won't let that happen and that there is no limit to what they can give me. I feel much reassured.
I have tried to write letters to the people I've wronged. I suddenly find that I want to make amends. So many letters. I was a functioning addict for a long time. My family cut me off, rightfully so. So I have been writing a lot of letters. But I am losing strength. I will not be able to write many more letters. My CNA has transcribed one letter template for everyone. I hope it is enough.
I also had many kind offers to transcribe letters from Redditors here on the sub. What love that you would do that for a stranger. If I was strong enough to talk on the phone, I would have taken you all up on it, but I can barely talk. Perhaps, had I not been so stunned by my diagnosis, I could have arranged this sooner. But that is in the past now.
Dad, if you somehow see this post, I know how much I hurt you and and I am sorry. I wish I could call you. I do not even know where you live and I'm not strong enough to find you. I do not ask for your love, for that is beyond my power to ask. Just your forgiveness is enough. Please Dad, forgive me. I do not want die without your forgiveness. But I will, won't I?
I beseech you all to make amends with those you begrudge. Do not go to bed angry or hold hate in your heart. You will be glad that you forgave. I wish I had done so sooner, before I ran out of time. You will run out of time, too, some day in the future. Don't leave any business unfinished, any grudge unmended.
There a nicotine patch on my arm. A reminder of one of the several self destructive habits that brought me here. My smoking habit was not had enough to set things off this quickly, but it clearly did not help. For those of you who smoke, I have but one message: stop it. Please. You think you will wait till you are ready. You will never be ready. You say you will quit tomorrow, but then tomorrow becomes today, and you are never ready today, only tomorrow. Tomorrow never comes. Today is the only day in which the decision can be made. You can only quit TODAY. Do so now. Throw your cigarettes in the trash. Do it for me. What a gift it would be that my post would free you of tobacco's golden chains.
As difficult and shocking as these last few weeks have been, I regard them as positive.
Only four weeks ago, I thought that the universe was a cold and cruel place. I experienced physical and mental abuse, chronic pain, and addiction. But my situation has forced a change of perspective. I see now that all our experiences, no matter how horrid, are temporary, and that we will all find the same rest and peace in the end.
I do not mean to give the wrong impression to those struggling with depression. I have tried to kill myself before. The difference between then and now is vast. Death is an old friend waiting to greet you at the end of a long and well lived life. It can not be appreciated properly when sought in darkness. I know there is no magic fix for depression, but I urge you to get up, go out, and live the crazy, wonderful, irrational, beautiful life you want. If only I had done the same. What a gift is life!
Thank you all for your love, empathy, and reassurance. For all the people who PMed me offering to help with transcribing letters, for all the kind messages and comments. You are all beautiful people. I hope you remember that. No matter what anyone else says or thinks, or even what you yourself think, you are beautiful and can only be so, because you reached out to a stranger in his moment of pain. Your hearts will always carry that little light of goodness no matter how dark your days. Carry that little light with you and forget it not. It can brighten a stranger's day. It can even save the world.
A few PMed me asking to look into their religion. In the past I would have been irritated. Now I recognize that you were concerned for my souls well being. Thank you for your compassion. I am not well versed on religion, but I have prayed, and I trust that whatever higher power may dwell above the stars will look upon my situation with infinite love and compassion. This in my heart I know.
[/u/hugegrape](https://www.reddit.com/u/hugegrape/), you wanted to make me a plushie free of charge. Your care and empathy have touched my heart. I'm sorry to say that I will not be in a position to receive it. I did not expect to go this fast. I want you to make it anyway. I want you to keep it with you and know that you will always have a part of me. I hope this brings you some comfort. You have my everlasting love and gratitude.
Wishes are usually reserved for the future. I have no future. But I find myself still wishing.
I wish I had not worried so much about the little things. I wish I had not worried so much about the numbers in my bank account or the punch of the time clock. All that time working. I had enough money to keep a roof over my head and to invest in what few hobbies I had, yet I still kept racking up overtime. And for what? Only to find myself here. It all came to nothing in the end. I robbed myself of the most precious commodity I had, time, in exchange for green pieces of paper and little metal discs. A perverse and twisted trade. Only now do I see the truth.
I wish I had had the courage to live my life the way I wanted to. I wish I had traveled the world, fallen in love, written a novel. I wish I had had children. I have no one to whom I can pass my life lessons. No one to sit by my side, here at the end of my world. It is too late for me. But it is not too late for you. Live the life YOU want, no matter how strange it may seem to others or to society. It is your life and yours alone. Live it well.
I'm not sure where I go from here. I have been reading accounts of the afterlife from various cultures. Summerland, Elysium, Tir Na Nog. I've also taken to reading The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, though it seems I will run out of time before I can finish. What a strange feeling. I personally do not believe consciousness survives death, but I'm open to being pleasantly surprised. And if not, well, who can complain about a siesta that can't be interrupted? Regardless of what awaits me, it is nice to dream.
And that is what I will do now. I will dream. I will rest and dream of the peace to come till I dream no more. May you all one day face death with this same wonderful dream.
I do not have any friends or family to sit here with me, so I am leaving this tab open. I will read your comments and savor your reassurances, even if I do not reply. I will keep you all here with me. I feel less alone this way. I will keep you all with me as I die. You people are all I have now. I am strong but I am scared. Stay with me till I'm gone. I do not want to be alone.
Till we meet again, my beautiful friends.
Robert S
Edit: just woke up from my nap and I'm overwhelmed by the outpouring of love. I'm touched by the people throwing away their cigarettes and finding the courage to pursue the life they want. What a blessing you all are. I am reading every message I can even if I don't respond. Tears streaming down my face. Now I know I will not die alone. What a gift this sub has given me.
Edit 2: Sunday at 2:30 pm. Haven been awake much but I've read as much as I can. How I cherish your love and kindness. You helped a grumpy drug addict die with love in his heart and a smile on his face. the doc will be here at 3 to give versed. I'm tired of trying to breath. chaplain has given me last rites. Its over now my friends. I love you. Good bye
# [Update on Robbie from Cherri](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskDocs/comments/jv773f/update_on_robbie_from_cherri/)
Good morning. My name is Cherri. I was Robbie's volunteer doula with the hospice program. I am posting here to honor his wishes in providing this message board with an update after his passing. I am not familiar with this app, but Robbie gave me a little tutorial. Please forgive any mistakes :) Robbie had initially wanted to pass while conscious, however, he was having increased difficulty breathing Sunday morning. He received last rites from our chaplain and was sedated with midazolam, at his request, at 3:05 pm. He remained asleep and appeared comfortable. Agonal respirations were noted by the nurse at 6:14 pm and suppressed with morphine. The physician called time of death at 6:27 pm, Sunday, November 15, 2020. Robbie's passing was peaceful and without pain. Robbie spoke often of the kind messages he received on this board. I know they brought him comfort. His final posting was incredibly poignant and moved even our most seasoned staff to tears. He was a quiet man. I think his voice was his words. It was honor to attend to him in his passing. I was attracted to hospice because not everybody breaks a bone, not everybody has heart disease, but everybody dies. It is an honor to be with others as the undergo this universal journey, and it was a particular honor to attend to Robbie, who had no family or friends by his side. I am providing some images on imager that Robbie wanted shared with this board, one of him young and healthy, the other a final handwritten note. Please let me know if the link works:
[http://imgur.com/a/OLbDMdx](http://imgur.com/a/OLbDMdx)
I obviously cannot hold onto his phone :) it will be shut off and filed away with his estate, which is being handled by his family, who our social workers were able to locate Sunday evening. They expressed regret at the news of his illness and passing. We are sharing his final posting with them as well. One last thing before I go. First, Robby expressed many concerns about his suboxone. As the opiate epidemic continues to ravage our communities, we see more and more patients entering hospice on suboxone and methadone. I want those of you with opioid maintenance to know that you will never be judged by our staff, and your medications are not a barrier for care. Our organization consults with a pain specialist physician specifically for these cases. We will never let you die in pain. Never! I hope this posting provides some closure for those of you who have been following Robbie's case. These fast cancers are always sad, but Robbie faced his passing with dignity and grace. He was truly a wonderful man, and he lives on in our memories. With regards, Cherri N
\------------
*The following post is by* [u/hugegrape](https://www.reddit.com/user/hugegrape/)*.*
# [Blue Whale plushie update. RIP Robert. ❤️](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskDocs/comments/k84ryu/blue_whale_plushie_update_rip_robert/)
[Link to the plushie I made for Robert!](https://imgur.com/gallery/d8wZyyj)
Hi everyone! A few weeks ago, Robert made a post on [r/AskDocs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskDocs/) looking for answers about palliative care in a hospice setting. I was moved by his resignation, the hopelessness of the situation, and the fact that he was going to die alone. I felt, and still feel, like nobody should have to depart this world feeling so alone and unloved. I’m sure many of you were touched similarly by his posts. I had started sewing plushies to keep my hands and mind busy whilst recovering from a mental health relapse. I offered to make Robert a plushie to remind him that he is loved, and also to give him a little comfort as he passed.
Unfortunately, Robert’s condition took a turn for the worse, and he was unable to accept my plushie. He told me his favorite animal, and instructed me to make it anyway and treasure it. So, here it is, Robert’s blue whale. His legacy will live on at least in this plushie. ❤️
Sorry if this post breaks the rules. So many of you wanted to see the plushie when it was finished and I didn’t know another way to reach out to all of you.
RIP. | dracapis | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mqm76n/long_robert_is_a_cancer_patient_with_an_history/ | mqm76n | 18,894 | 428 | [
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2021-04-14T19:31:13 | Entitled Bible-thumping aunt steals an adult anime from her and then gets mad at her when the "cartoon" isn't appropriate for her kid. | EntitledParents | [deleted] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mqy2ux/entitled_biblethumping_aunt_steals_an_adult_anime/ | mqy2ux | 9 | 1 | [
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2021-04-14T19:33:27 | Entitled Bible-thumping aunt steals an adult anime from her niece and then gets angry at her when the "cartoon" isn't appropriate for her son. | entitledparents | I suddenly remembered this old [r/entitledparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/entitledparents/) post that I remember reading about 2 years ago and felt like sharing it on here. The user who submitted the original post has since deleted their account.
​
[First post](https://www.reddit.com/r/entitledparents/comments/b54y5y/entitled_bible_thumping_aunt_steals_an_anime_box/)
No real damage done but it was still annoying. A cousin of mine recently got into Studio Ghibli films. He wanted to borrow Spirited Away and I was okay with that. His folks go to a church in my area so they agreed to swing by and grab the disk after service.
They come in and I go to get the disk. My cousin starts asking about some of the other Ghibli films and anime mixed into my dvd collection. Then he points to Soul Eater. It’s a great show but he just turned thirteen and it wasn’t exactly age appropriate. Plus I didn’t think his parents (mainly his mother) would approve. They’re very religious and the show revolves around soul harvesting, the Grim Reaper, witches, and some fan service. I’m still not sure why Ghibli was okay with them (because of the spirits, witches, and demons) but I was pretty sure a show called Soul Eater would tip that Jenga tower.
So when he asked me if he can borrow it, I said no. That “no” seemed to catch my aunt’s attention and she was by my cousin’s side in a flash. She ask why he can’t borrow it and I told her it may not be age appropriate. Then she says something along the lines of “Its a cartoon, it’s meant for children. You’re a grown woman, you shouldn’t have this anyway”. I was a little irritated but stood firm. Instead, I let the kid barrow My Neighbor Totoro as well as Spirited Away and they went home. I thought everything was good until an hour ago.
I received a call from my screaming aunt. She accused me of trying to corrupt her son with vulgarity and satanism. I was lost at first and then she mentioned a demon and a naked cat woman being in the first episode. I checked my shelf and Soul Eater was missing. I’m not sure when she did it but she had stolen the box set. They’re returning the movies next Sunday and Soul Eater had better be with them. I’m hoping she doesn’t “confiscate” it like she does with other “ungodly” stuff. That set was around fifty dollars after shipping and handling. It was like THE first anime box set I ever bought and I will go to war for it.
Edit: Text Spacing
Second Edit: They agreed to return my DVD’s next Sunday. I’m hoping it will be uneventful but I’ll update then.
Third Edit: I’m 26 and live alone. I’m not “getting in trouble” over this. The only reason she thinks she can take my stuff is because she did it when I was a kid.
Last Edit: I know Soul Eater isn’t technically inappropriate for a thirteen year old. My judgement was based mainly around his mother’s world view. I grew up in a similar household. When I was a kid, I was banned from watching anime after they caught me watching Bleach. I didn’t want her forbidding him from watching anime because of one series.
​
[UPDATE:](https://www.reddit.com/r/entitledparents/comments/b7j6jh/entitled_bible_thumping_aunt_steals_anime_box_set/?st=JTWC2RB5&sh=7947fd05)
So, as the name suggests, this is an update. For the full story, you can check out the original post [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/entitledparents/comments/b54y5y/entitled_bible_thumping_aunt_steals_an_anime_box/?st=JTWA1RCU&sh=550d6aef).
It’s been an interesting week. My aunt stole my Soul Eater box set after I told her son he couldn’t borrow it. She then called me a few hours later claiming that I was trying to corrupt her baby boy.
From what my uncle told me, she had intended on returning it with the other DVD’s my cousin (her son) had borrowed. But after watching the first episode of Soul Eater, she planned on throwing it out. Thankfully, this is where my uncle stepped in. For years, the man has been rescuing “wicked” items from his wife and returning them to his nieces and nephews.
Earlier tonight, he stopped by and returned my pilfered box set along with the other DVD’s. He apologized for my aunt and promised it wouldn’t happen again.
Even so, I still don’t want her in my apartment. I told him that I didn’t feel comfortable lending them movies. But I also told him about CrunchyRoll accounts and he said he’d tell my cousin. So now, the kid can enjoy anime and his mother won’t step foot into my apartment.
I know the conclusion wasn’t very exciting. But I got my disks back and that’s all I wanted. I’m currently bingeing episodes of Soul Eater and I don’t plan on stopping any time soon. When I originally typed it out, I was angry and just trying to vent. I had no idea this was going to blow up. Thank you all for taking the time to read the post and this update. | MissBarker93 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mqy4jt/entitled_biblethumping_aunt_steals_an_adult_anime/ | mqy4jt | 4,837 | 419 | [
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2021-04-14T21:09:17 | Fiancée Becomes Controlling Bridezilla | Relationship_Advice | [Original Post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ml0bkt/my_32m_fiance_33f_is_overruling_me_on_every/)
My (32M) Fiance (33F) is overruling me on every detail regarding our wedding day.
I posted on another subreddit earlier but was told that it wasn't appropriate for there. A few users suggested I post here. I'm new to Reddit and I hope I'm doing this right.
I'm recently engaged to my fiance after four years together. We're currently trying to plan, and I know it's the bride's day, so I've tried to give her everything she wanted, but I feel like there's no compromise on the things I want.
First off, the wedding party. She has informed me that her brother and two cousins will groomsmen in the wedding party. I only have one brother and a few close male friends, so I was happy to accommodate. Plus I genuinely like her brother and the one cousin that I've met.
I informed her that I would like my best female friend of twenty years and my sister-in-law to be on her side. She laughed and said, "Sweetie, the bridesmaids are the bride's best friends!
I don't consider them my close friends. They're not going to be in the wedding!" It's true she's not terribly close with them, and when I asked that she please compromise, she shook her head, smirked and said, "It's the bride's day!"
I'm Catholic, she's Methodist. I belong to a church, attend every week, and received my sacraments. I also have a priest who has known me since I was a boy who I would love to perform the ceremony. My fiance has not been to church in fifteen years. She has vetoed my church on the basis that it's stuffy and dark. She has never stepped foot in my church and when I brought her by she refused to go in, and she's insisting we find a Methodist church by her parents' house for the ceremony.
I picked out a nice restaurant midway between our parents' homes (3 hours apart) for the rehearsal dinner and she informed me it was too far. I told her it's tradition that the dinner is the responsibility of the groom and his family. She replied, "Well, I'm not a big fan of tradition, so we don't have to follow that." I had hoped we could find a church in this area so that it's not insanely far for either family to travel, but she insists that it needs to be close to where she grew up so her family can all be there for her.
If it's something in her favor, it's tradition, it's the bride's day and that's how it's done. If it's something in my favor, we don't have to follow that, it's the bride's day, the bride gets what she wants.
I feel like it's my day too and even my slightest desires and feelings are being swallowed up. Meanwhile most of my female friends have given me a knowing smile, told me that I need to just suck it up, give her what she wants, and accept that it's the bride's day and not about me. My male friends tell me if I want to have a happy day, I just need to hold my tongue. Sometimes I feel like if she hears I want something blue it has to be green, because if I get my way it means she doesn't, so I have to lose at everything I want. It's very draining and I just want to cry sometimes. I told her this and she started sobbing saying I was trying to pressure her into giving up what she wants.
She was a very spoiled child who got everything she wanted, so she tends to pout and throw hissy fits when she doesn't get her way. She never acted like this until we got engaged, and I'm really not liking what I'm seeing.
How do I stand up for myself without being a total jerk and taking her dream day away from her?
Tl;dr Fiance turned into a bridezilla as soon as we got engaged, now has made it her mission to make sure I don't get my way on a single thing on my wedding day.
[Update ](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/mq4787/update_my_32m_fiance_33f_is_overruling_me_on/)
So, I think I need to come clean, and I hope I haven't upset anyone in the process.
My story is 100% true, but it happened some time ago. Despite loving my fiance deeply, I realized this was the real her, I called off the wedding, and I walked away. She got married to someone else and had a child. I have always wondered if I simply called it quits too soon rather than try to work it out.
I am planning on proposing to my current girlfriend later this year and I have been so scared that she's going to turn into what my ex-fiance did because I'm so hard to tolerate.
I learned from a mutual friend that my ex-fiance got divorced last year and that both of them were fairly miserable due to the fact that she didn't want to budge on anything.
I read/r/relationship_advice and see how much of a good neutral perspective you guys can give to everything. So I decided to set the clock back and see if I made the right choice. The replies telling me to think about the decision I was making, the private messages begging me to run, and the numerous kind words of support I received were exactly the assurance I needed to know that I can move forward with my girlfriend and know that what happened back then was not on me. I can say, without guilt, that I was in an abusive controlling relationship and the best decision I ever made was to run.
I apologize for not being totally honest with you, and I'm sorry if this breaks any rules. Please know that you have helped me more than you know, and I believe I have a good happy future ahead of me.
Tl;dr You guys rock, assured me that I made the right decision, and I'm going to get my happily ever after. | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mr03o5/fiancée_becomes_controlling_bridezilla/ | mr03o5 | 5,519 | 477 | [
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2021-04-15T02:38:44 | OP's Beloved 9 Year Old Dog Has Developed Behavioral Issues (Urination); OP's & Vet's Solutions are Not Working, & OP is at His Wit's End. (Happy Ending) | r/dogs | *This is a repost. All original posts are by /u/GRTFL-GTRPLYR in /r/dogs.*
[Crate Training is going terribly, and it's traumatizing me and my dog. He doesn't trust me anymore and I don't know where to go from here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/dogs/comments/lvux41/help_crate_training_is_going_terribly_and_its/)
Ok, I'll try to keep this short, but I also want to give as many details as possible.
I've had my 25 pound poodle mix, Carlton, since he was about a year old. He's 9ish now. I've lived in apartments since the day I got him, and he was always kinda bad about potty training and peeing in the house. Usually It would only be once every few weeks or so that I would come home to a puddle on the ground, so I would clean it up and that was that. It was, of course, not the best behavior, but overall, he's such a good dog that this was his only problem and I never really figured out a good way to train it out of him. He would never do it around me, and I know that scolding him for peeing on the floor hours after the fact is completely useless.
There was a few times I tried to crate train him, but each time he would bark all day long and piss in the crate so consistently that I would give up and we would go back to square one.
The issues really started picking up last year when my ex (not ex at the time) girlfriend starting coming over more consistently. He would pee in the living room pretty consistently almost every time she was there and we were in a seperate room from him.
Here's where it gets really bad though.
In august, for the first time in my life, I was able to afford the down payment on a little townhouse in my neighboorhood and I finally became a homeowner. Pretty much from the day we moved in, this dog became a monster.
He is CONSTANTLY peeing all over the place. For the first few weeks I would come downstairs to a stained carpet almost every single morning. Which is weird! this was never a problem to this degree for as long as I've owned him. Like, it was always a problem when I went to work, but not when I was still in the house!
And I'll be honest. I'm mad as hell. I've lost all sympathy for him and We've gone nuclear with the crate training.
There is never a moment where I am not in the house and he is not crated anymore. It's just not worth the hassle of having to clean up the carpet EVERY SINGLE DAY! But here's the problem. he HATES it. For the first few weeks, he would literally bark himself hoarse while I was at work. I've never heard a dog who's barked so much that he lost his voice until a few months ago. He literally got a soar throat from barking so much.
And again, it's only while I'm gone! He sleeps in the crate at night like a baby and never makes a peep. I've tried doing everything the internet recommends. Slowly acclimating him to me leaving. Only letting him chew his bones in the crate, giving him treats every time he's chilling in there, Etc.
Now, where we are now is killing me.
He's not barking all day every day any more. which is good. According to my neighbor, he barks here and there throughout the day, and right after I leave pretty consistently though. Every morning is a fight to get him in there (I don't want to just pick him up and put him in there, cause I feel like he won't learn that way) and I make sure to give him a boatload of treats as soon as I do get him in there though.
Everytime he sees me moving around, he gets nervous now because he thinks I'm getting ready to leave and crate him, and i'm coming home to him having pissed in the crate probably 2 or 3 workdays out of 5. I thought the whole point of this process is that they are supposed to realize that "hey, it's not fun to piss on myself in the crate".
It's literally ruining my relationship with my dog because I can't even leave the house for 3 hours anymore without worrying the entire time about the dog.
and please don't recommend more walks! This dog goes out for a full walk firs thing in the morning, and a SECOND walk right before I leave to let him poop again if he needs to. It's not like he isn't let out at all. The dog gets so many goddamn walks that it's a huge chunk out of my day.
I just don't know what to do. I've had this dog for so long and the darker parts of my mind have literally thought of giving him up for adoption because of the amount of stress it's causing both of us. I know people are going to say to take him to the vet, but we just went for a checkup a few months ago and they said he was healthy as ever. Like, I just know this is a behavioral proble, not a health one. Becuase this problem has been pretty consistent since I got him! It's just gotten so so so much worse recently.
A few months ago I realized he had some rotten teeth, and I figured maybe it was the pain that was making him act up, so we got pretty much all of his front teeth pulled at the vet and he's eating better, which is nice, but it didn't put a dent in the problem.
I no longer let him on the couch to try and make some boundries for him to teach him "hey man, this isn't your stuff, it's my stuff". and he knows he's not allowed on their unless I say he can anymore. he'll ask me permission to come up onto the couch if I am sitting there, which is progress. The problem is that now every time I go upstairs for a second he views it as an opportunity to get on the couch. It's like he knows he only has to behave when I am around.
Anyway, sorry for the long post, it went way longer than I meant it to. But I'm so goddamn sick of this that I could cry. It's literally his only problem, he's such a good dog besides this potty training issue and it's ruining both of our quality of life. I've been saying I was going to go to the vet and get those doggy anxiety pills, but I feel like that just masks the problem. and While I thought the issue was separation anxiety for so long, the fact that he's peeing on my carpet while I'm home now (and again, it's not like he lost control of his bladder, he was marking) is starting to make this worse and worse.
Edit--- sorry, [Dog Tax](https://imgur.com/a/LIwkfpV)
*****
[Losing my mind. Crate training is going terribly and I swear it's going to be the end of me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/dogs/comments/mhyaen/help_losing_my_mind_crate_training_is_going/)
I don't know where to go from here. I'm so goddamn frustrated I could cry.
I've had my dog for 8 years now. he's a great dog. He's always had a bit of a potty problem. every few weeks he I would come home from work to a little spot on the floor, and would just clean it up and go on with my day. There wasn't much I could do about it considering he would never do it while I was around.
I moved into a new house recently and from day one, he was like an open faucet. pissing EVERY WHERE. All over the house, like he completely forgot he was supposed to go outside in the first place.
So I started having to crate him, and he is losing his goddamn mind. The crazy thing is that he doesn't mind it when I'm home. It's purely a seperation anxiety thing. He absolutely loses it. he goes into shock basically. He starts shivering as soon as he thinks I'm about to leave him in there and barks all day long.
I've tried everything in the book. He had plenty of cushions and toys and hes got water and food.
At first, he would pee every once in a while in there, but then it became an every day thing. The vet reccomended I take out his cushions, because he's learned that he can pee on the cushions and then push them off to the side. So now he gets no cushions in there and if I leave for EVEN AN HOUR, I come home to him just barking and sitting in a pool of his own piss.
Everything I've ever read about this is saying that there's a point where he's supposed to figure out that sitting in his own piss is not fun, but not my idiot dog. He just loses his mind.
We've tried prozac, we've tried cbd, and I just don't know where to go. I'm so goddamn frustrated.
I can't even leave the house anymore without strssing out like crazy because I KNOW that every time I leave the house, I have to give the dog a bath! and I'm not going to un-crate him.
I'm the person, he's the dog. he needs to stop pissing all over my house. and untill he can learn to stop pissing on HIMSELF, I can't really give him any more freedom.
Before anyone mentions going to the vet, we've checked for UTI, it's not a medical problem. It's a behavioral one.
*****
[I've made a few posts about this issue in the past, but I just don't know where to go. I'm at my wits end with my anxious dog and I just don't know what to do next. Me and the dog are BOTH losing our minds, and it's effecting quality of life.](https://reddit.com/r/dogs/comments/mlo33t/help_ive_made_a_few_posts_about_this_issue_in_the/)
This dog's seperation anxiety is so severe that he is pissing himself every single time I leave the house at this point.
He has no problem with the crate at night. only when I leave. I CAN'T do slow conditioning training. I work like every other adult. I don't have the budget to get him vet trips every week and dog training and massages and all the other stuff that the internet wants me to do.
Prozac did nothing. Comfy crate does nothing. It's making me lose my mind. I'm a grown ass man that feels like crying every time I come home because I'm just at my wits end.
I have to give this dog a bath twice a day sometimes. My house smells like piss and natures miracle. and I can't just give the dog up. I've had him for years and years. he's my buddy. But I'm starting to hate him, and I hate how this is all making me feel.
I can't leave the house, it's effecting my performance at work. and I can't uncrate him, because then he'll just piss on the carpet!
it's not a medical problem, we've been to the vet plenty of times.
I'm just so sick of this, I need someone to help me and I don't know where to go. I'm getting nauseous literally just sitting here typing this from the stress and smell combined.
Even when I leave for just a minute or two, he freaks the hell out. and I can't do slow training, because I work for 8 hours a day, again, like every other adult in this country. So sure, on my days off I can do the whole "ramp up the time slowly while I sit in the car", but that means nothing if I go to work the next day, and 30 minutes in, he pisses all over himself and then just sits in it all day.
I can't give him toys and bones, because I have to throw them out every single day, and I can't give him a cushion because the vet set he has learned that he can pee on it and just move it to the side. So now he hust sits in a plastic/metal box all day with a bit of food and a tiny bit of water. I feel like i'm torturing the animal, but I have no other options! I can't give him more freedoms because I just can't afford it.
He's ruining my life.
*****
[Update!! I feel like I owe this sub an update on my situation. Was THIS close to rehoming my dog until we found the magic solution. Please see inside! I'm so happy I could cry.](https://www.reddit.com/r/dogs/comments/mr15yw/helpupdate_i_feel_like_i_owe_this_sub_an_update/)
Ok everyone, You may recognize some of the posts I made over the last few weeks regarding my issue with newly started potty and seperation anxiety issues. Here are some links to the posts, You can see my frustration coming through very clearly.
https://old.reddit.com/r/dogs/comments/lvux41/help_crate_training_is_going_terribly_and_its/
https://old.reddit.com/r/dogs/comments/mhyaen/help_losing_my_mind_crate_training_is_going/
https://old.reddit.com/r/dogs/comments/mlo33t/help_ive_made_a_few_posts_about_this_issue_in_the/
I was starting to think that it was better for both the dog and myself if I were to rehome him with someone who could be home all day, since it was very clearly beginning to not work out.
I had tried putting him in the bathroom as a new solution but it backfired significantly. Same problem, loads of barking, piss all over the floor, and now I also need to repaint the bathoom door, as he ripped all the paint off the bottom of it.
Two days ago though, I decided to try putting him in the crate, but this time putting it right in front of the window so he can see outside.
Guys, it was like a switch was flipped. I bought a little security camera to see what happens while I'm gone and went to do some errands today. He spent the first 30 minutes just looking out the window, then curled up and took a nap. I'm gobsmacked. Wouldn't have EVER believed this dog was capable of being calm in the crate. Turns out just a little bit of outside stimulation was all he needed to not be miserable in there.
The same thing happened when I went to work. Neighbor said the only time he barked was when she took her dog out and he saw them. He seems happier and just way more chill in general. I've been home from running errands for about 2 hours now and he's spent most of that time in his crate on his own volition, just sleeping.
I swear. I still almost can't believe it, I feel like I'm dreaming.
[Dog Tax](https://imgur.com/a/ZWs9O7W) | FortressofTrees | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mr5voh/ops_beloved_9_year_old_dog_has_developed/ | mr5voh | 13,094 | 234 | [
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2021-04-15T12:11:51 | OP Needs Advice When Her Goddaughter Comes Out As Trans | Relationship_Advice | [Original Post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/mgrq6s/i32f_have_a_goddaughter_15f_who_has_come_out_as/)
I (32F) have a goddaughter (15F) who has come out as transgender...how can I express our concerns to her without her shutting us out?
This is a bit of a weird spot but I want some advice/input because I'm worried about my goddaughter (let's call her Meghan) and want to be supportive but also want to let her know that we're concerned for her health/wellbeing.
I've known Meghan for close to 10 years since I first met her parents (48M and 45F) at a previous job. She's got a big heart, has been doing well in school, is active in sports and has a wide social group. She's got so much potential and talent and we all love her very much.
In the past year or so or so, we've been noticing a personality shift in Meghan. She started withdrawing, rebelling (nothing serious, more of arguing with her parents and breaking curfew, refusing to do chores), has been moody and spending more time alone. Her parents figured this is the hormonal stage that every teenager goes though...but I was a little bit worried because I started developing depression and anxiety and had many of the same symptoms.
So I did my best to be supportive; I let her stay at my house whenever her parents are giving her grief, spend time with her and have done my best to let her know that I'm there to listen to her and help her if need be. It did seem to help somewhat as she did talk about some problems at school and home and seemed better. I also told her that if she wanted me to say something to her parents that she didn't feel comfortable saying, then she's okay to do so.
A couple of days ago Meghan came over because she got into a fight with her parents. She looked miserable and angry so whatever they fought over must've been real bad.
I gave her some snacks and drinks (nothing alcoholic, I'm not breaking the law and she thankfully respects that) and asked her what was wrong.
She then asked me "Aunt AQuietBorderline, how would you react if I told you I'm trans?"
I almost fell off my chair because, well, it was out of left field. Plus, Meghan had always been girly for as long as I can remember. Yeah, she plays sports but she's also into clothes shopping, trying on makeup, having sleepovers with her girlfriends, etc.
I told her "Well, I'll always support you no matter what, but may I ask why you feel you're trans?"
She told me the feelings started in the last couple of years, around the time we noticed her personality changing. She didn't feel right in her body and started watching/following LGBT+ influencers on social media. She said them sharing their experiences resonated with her and she began questioning her identity.
The more she thought about it...the more it made sense to her, that she was a boy in a girl's body.
This afternoon, her parents learned that she was following these influencers and got angry with her...because she didn't show them the videos beforehand and got their approval to watch them (one of their rules is that if she wants to follow someone on social media, she has to let them see the page and they can tell her yes or so). It turned into a yelling match and ended with her storming out just to get away.
I asked her if she wanted to stay until she calmed down and Meghan agreed. I called her parents, told them that Meghan was with me and that she's okay but I haven't told them what she's told me because she asked me not to not say anything yet.
They also did confirm Meghan's story was about social media pages. I understand they were worried for her safety (can never be too careful, especially with the creeps out there), especially because this is probably the biggest rule she's ever broken.
And for the record, Meghan's parents aren't abusive/overprotective or anything like that. They have rules but also want their kids to get as much experience as possible. They did give permission for her to stay at my house and have prepared an overnight bag in case she wants to stay longer.
Now here's my dilemma; if it turns out she's trans, I want her to know that I support her. Her parents are a little more on the conservative side but I believe they'd also support her. Granted, they'd need time to come to terms...but they'd support her.
However, since this came completely out of nowhere, I am concerned that this is a distraction from a much deeper problem, if that makes sense. And I'm also worried that she's going to make a decision that she's going to regret later.
I know I made a lot of stupid decisions when I was her age, stuff I still regret now.
So how can I tell Meghan that while I'll always support her and will help her find therapy/talk to her parents/whatever she needs, I still have my concerns and want her to hear them?
Any advice will be great, please and thank you. I love her very much and want what's best for her.
ETA: To all those saying I’m getting the pronouns wrong...I’m sorry but it’s been a couple of days since I learned this and am still getting used to it/adjusting. Please be patient with me.
[Update ](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/mr76ce/update_i32f_have_a_goddaughter_15f_who_has_come/)
First off, I want to thank everyone for your support and kind words involving Meghan and how to talk to her (I'll get into pronoun usage in a minute). In case you weren't here for that.
Meghan stayed with me until Easter Sunday when she finally felt okay enough to go back home. A day after I made my post asking for advice, I reached out to a friend of mine who is a therapist specializing in Questioning/People who are starting to come out and asked if he could help Meghan. He agreed and gave additional advice as well. I also decided to talk to her parents a little more about their reaction to the influencers.
I did not tell them what Meghan told me because that's her decision.
Shortly afterwards, I asked Meghan to sit down with me so we could talk. The first thing I asked was "What pronouns do you want me to use?" After a minute, Meghan told me that she'd prefer female pronouns for now. I told her that was fine and that if she wanted to me to use male pronouns, just say the word. I also told her about my friend willing to see her...but on the conditions (one the therapist made) that she stick with the therapy and go see her doctor to get a diagnosis and medication for depression/anxiety. I'd even help her talk to her parents if she was worried about seeing her doctor. Meghan was relieved and immediately agreed.
I decided to just tell Meghan why her parents had reacted the way they did.
They were more upset that she didn't show them the influencers than anything else, not the fact they were transgender. They were worried for her safety on the Internet. She was glad but asked me if there was something else on my mind.
I decided to tell her my concerns about her regretting her choices in the future. This is a big change and not something to take lightly. That being said, all I want is for her to be happy and if this is the path that feels right to her, then I support her 100%. And if this isn't the path for her, then I'll still support her.
Meghan listened to me and told me she was glad I did tell her how I felt, that I didn't treat her like a baby. I just said I'm glad she felt safe enough with me to tell me what was worrying her...and that, as always, my door is always open for her.
Her first appointment with the therapist is next week and I sat with her when she asked her parents to take her to the doctor for depression/anxiety. It's going to be a long and hard road...but Meghan is looking better.
Thank you all again for your advice and suggestions. | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/mrdcdh/op_needs_advice_when_her_goddaughter_comes_out_as/ | mrdcdh | 7,765 | 490 | [
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2021-04-16T11:19:23 | Mom is hesitant to get her kids vaccinated after daughter had a strong reaction to a vaccine. AskDocs convinces her it's the right thing to do, and she ends up doing it! | r/AskDocs | # [Help me get over my vaccine hesitancy. (Be kind)](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskDocs/comments/fzxrnr/help_me_get_over_my_vaccine_hesitancy_be_kind/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x)
When my daughter had her 2 month shots (DTAP-IPV-HIB, and prevnar) years ago, she had a bad reaction. I live in a small town in the middle of nowhere. And I dont think our healthcare staff handled it appropriately looking back. She had a high pitched wail for hours on end between deep deep sleeps, labored breathing, fever, and was very lethargic (no eye contact) and wouldnt feed well. The nurse said I was being a worried first time mother, over the phone and said she was fine. I literally watched her 24/7 until about 3 days later she started to come around. In my reading I found that DTAP can be a little harder than prevnar or MenC vaccines, so at the next visit I skipped DTAP and did those. She did not even react to those 2 vaccines. After this I just stopped. (I know I know)
Before all this happened I was very pro-vaccine. I used to be a quality control chemist for a pharmaceutical manufacturer and even dabbled in R&D. Let me also add that I am very auto-immune. To the point of almost dying twice. I have also had rare reactions to medications like drug induced lupus to remicade and anaphylaxis to codeine. I am allergic to several medications and antibiotics. Big pharma products have hurt me, but they have also saved my life. Being in and out of hospitals I have seen the good and the bad in the healthcare system. Currently I am in 100% remission thanks to stelara.
And I have never been sure of my decision to stop shots and I have been relying on herd immunity while I figure it out. I want to protect her, but I also fear that she will become autoimmune.
[https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5607155/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5607155/)
[https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/25277820](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/25277820)
All this said I have made an appointment to have her first shot in years and she will be getting MMRV at the age of 12. If all goes well I will restart her DTAP-IPV series. The nurse was very kind and helpful and even angry for how I was treated. She says she understands my fear and will go at my own pace.
I havent been able to sleep well since I made this choice. Please help me sleep better.
*From the comment section:*
**Commenter 1**: It seems others already addressed the evidence and emotional aspect. I would like to say something about the anti-vaxxer ecosystem.
That whole social media ecosystem is extremely dangerous and an echo chamber by design. Think of all the anti-vaxxer influencers who depend on sponsors peddling homeopathy, herbs, ozone therapy, “superfoods” and other unsubstantiated products. They literally cannot (financially) afford to give even one inch to any sort of traditional medical therapy especially vaccines.
Next time you see an influencer, “expert” or alternative medicine activist. Follow the money.
My pay is straightforward. I am paid a salary that is clearly delineated contractually. Who pays the people you listen to?
**OP**: I think homeopathy and oils are bullshit. I did meet a man that went into ICU for 3 months because he nebulized oregano oil to try and cure pneumonia. What an idiot. natural remedies are not without risk.
**Commenter 1**: Crazy. Peruse the anti-vaxxer social media circles when you get a chance and you’ll see a hell of a lot of overlap.
**OP**: I have. They believe a lot of wacky things. I think there is room for nuance and I think that reactions can rarely happen and that I was unlucky with my confounding factors. But I do not think we should abolish vaccination. My husband works in a prison and gets Hep B shots. I get prevnar every 5 years. I am not antivax. Just a mother who had a shitty experience and has shitty health, and has had some pretty rare reactions herself to stuff. Remicade saved my life and closed my fistulas in days. But it also gave me drug induced lupus and made me very sick. I still recommend it to others with severe disease. If I gave up on biologics I wouldnt have tried stelara, and I wouldnt be in my 3rd year of remission from crohns disease. Im rambling now, but I do see your point.
\-------
**Commenter 2**: I am a big believer in vaccines and am well aware of the science behind them, but in the moments right before my son received his first vaccine I thought “what if we’re wrong and these really are poison?!”
Our love and desire to do right by our children sometimes make us do and think things that simply don’t fit with our understanding of the world. And having a child who appeared to have a negative reaction to a vaccine is terrifying. You are absolutely not wrong to ask questions and you should not ever feel bad for trying to make the right decisions for your kid.
That being said, vaccines are important, and you’re doing a good job getting your daughter back on track. I read both of the articles you posted and I have a few quick thoughts on them that might help you feel better.
The first article mentioned a bunch of vaccines potentially increasing risk of guillain-barre, and many of the VIRUSES that those vaccines prevent are risk factors, too. But these risks are very, very small and much of the data doesn’t hold up under scrutiny. The only vaccine that has been (minimally) linked to GBS is the H1N1 (swine flu) vaccine. And your daughter probably won’t ever receive this, so it’s not a concern.
As far as type 1 diabetes, one smallish study shows some increased risk, but several others found no correlation.
Even MS, which the article links to the hepB vaccine has pretty small correlations and ultimately, a small increased risk. Low Vitamin D has been much more strongly correlated to increased risk and smoking even more so. These studies are observational and sometimes based on faulty, self-reported data that isn’t compared with other risk factors. Another study found that 10-40% of sexually active adults have, or have had heb B which In serous cases can result In cirrhosis or liver cancer.
Nothing exists in a vacuum. The best way to look at this as a complex relationship between risk and protective factors. In some cases certain vaccines are a minor risk factor for certain autoimmune diseases, but the virus itself can be a risk factor. Diet, activity level, vitamin D, smoking, safe sex, hygiene, where you live, your occupation, stress.... these all contribute to our health.
Vaccines are a pretty solid protective factor against a host of viruses that are often risk factors for other things as well. The scales are definitely in favour of vaccination.
That being said, talk to your doctor about your fears and don’t feel crazy if you keep a close eye on your daughter after she gets a vaccine. Remember that fever and tiredness are typical (and generally a good sign).
And most of all, you are normal!
**OP**: Thank you for this well thought out reply. And I guess other than this I have been good at keeping her healthy. She is a bright healthy girl. And as a Canadian I am on top of the vitamin D, from October to May we supplement everybody in the house.
# [UPDATE: This hesitant (38F) mama vaccinated her kids today.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskDocs/comments/g5r4mp/update_this_hesitant_38f_mama_vaccinated_her_kids/)
Awhile back I asked for some support getting over my vaccine hesitancy which started when my daughter had a reaction 11 years ago. It was not taken seriously and I was treated very poorly which began my mistrust in the system. I didnt mention my other 2 kids because I didnt want extra hate, and the information I got would have been the same anyway.
Today my 3 kids (12, 5, and 2) got their vaccines. And not just 1 vaccine (Because I figured I would be too chicken to do more) but 2 vaccines. MMRV and DTAP-IPV. We go back in a few weeks to continue their boosters and to schedule the rest of the vaccines. They should be caught up in a year. The nurse was kind and very proud of me and my kids.
And just so you know, how you doctors talk to parents will push them off the fence, you gotta find a way that pushes them to the right side of it, because the antivax group will welcome them with open arms and listen to their story and counter with "facts" about how your child has been hurt. Had I not been talked down to like a bad mother who was over reacting when her child wasnt doing well after vaccines, I probably would have continued vaccinating, but instead my kids went years without protection. Thanks to vaxopedia for clearing up so many misconceptions for me. Thank goodness my kids have been healthy this entire time.
Also what can I expect in terms of side effects for MMRV?
Here is my original post.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AskDocs/comments/fzxrnr/help\_me\_get\_over\_my\_vaccine\_hesitancy\_be\_kind/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskDocs/comments/fzxrnr/help_me_get_over_my_vaccine_hesitancy_be_kind/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x)
*From the comment section*:
**Commenter 3**: I'm proud of you. You've done a wonderful thing for your children and those around them.
Side effects should be minimal. Sometimes aches or a mild fever.
If you're up for it you should definitely consider the HPV vaccine. It is the only vaccine we currently have that literally prevents cancer. It's important for girls and boys.
**OP**: Yep I am working my way up to that, with the help of the public health nurse. She really is wonderful. Hep B as well. | dracapis | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ms11or/mom_is_hesitant_to_get_her_kids_vaccinated_after/ | ms11or | 9,596 | 408 | [
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2021-04-16T18:30:58 | OP works for family and is in trouble for not being on-call over maternity leave | AITA | I thought I'd better pull my weight and post something since I read this sub so much! I just saw this update today and it was very satisfying, pleased for OP :-)
​
This is a repost. [Original posted](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/mm0dw6/aita_for_not_answering_any_contact_from_work/) in AITA by u/Big_Bumblebee_5795
I work for my cousin. We're in the same field, but he owns a business. I started working for him 5 years ago and worked my way up to second or third in command at his fairly small company.
I took 9 months of maternity leave, starting 2 weeks before my due date. My child is now 6 months old, meaning I am currently in my 7th month of leave, and go back to work in about 10 weeks.
During the last 7 months, there's been a few crises at work. They called me and I fixed it. They should not have been doing this, due to my maternity leave, but I didn't mention it because these were legitimate crises, and most of the time it was my cousin asking.
However, because I'm entering the end of my leave, I want some time completely free of work, to recharge before I have to dive back in. So, starting 2 weeks ago, I stopped answering my phone. At some point it died so I put it in a drawer, and haven't plugged it in since. I have a landline for emergencies, a laptop to keep in touch with people, and a TV for entertainment, so I'm enjoying the break from the phone without issue.
However, my cousin tried to call me about a week ago to get help with a client I handle. I had passed this client on to someone else, but something went wrong, my cousin called me to help, and because I didn't answer, we lost the client. I knew their contract was up for renewal, but I didn't think there would be any issues, so I saw no reason to check my phone.
My cousin has told our family what happened. He's furious with me for not having my phone turned on when I knew that client would be up for renewal. He also says that as I had been answering my phone this whole time, I should have warned someone that I would be uncontactable. I have called the client and tried to fix it, but they've already signed on with someone else.
My cousin, wanting to stop this from happening again as several more clients are up for renewal in the next couple months, has said I have to be available for the next couple months, so he can call me if there is another issue. I've said that I am on maternity leave, and therefore I should be left alone, so I will be leaving my phone off, and it's shitty of him to ask otherwise. My cousin said that I was being selfish and accused me of trying to fuck him over, and my mother and aunt agree with him, saying if I don't answer my phone, there may not be a company to come back to, and accused me of taking advantage of him because he's my cousin, as anyone else would have fired me over this. I've responded that if my cousin can't run his own business without me, then he's incompetent and shouldn't be in charge of an omelette, let alone a company. They said that was uncalled for, and told me to switch my mobile on now so he can call me if he needs, but I'm still refusing.
AITA?
Edit: why do people think I went away with no plans in place? I had 6 months between figuring out I'd need the leave and going on leave, and I spent those 6 months assigning my clients to my co-workers, bringing people up to speed on said clients, and even holding meetings where I introduced the clients to their new handler(s). I worked all of this out months ago.
​
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ms225f/update_aita_for_not_answering_any_contact_from/)
First off, thank you for the support, advice, and differing perspectives you provided on [my first post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/mm0dw6/aita_for_not_answering_any_contact_from_work/).
Most of you agreed that I should not be working for my cousin. I mentioned on the last post that I'd had some offers from competitors, and while most paid about the same, they required a step down in my career. A few of you pointed out that if I can earn the same money *after* a step down, something isn't matching up. I did some research and came to the conclusion that I am being overworked and underpaid. I also triple checked all my notes for the last 7 months of leave, and calculated that I had worked for 87 days out of just over 200. That was where I hit my limit.
I then reached out to some of the people who had made offers previously, and asked if they could give me a formal offer. 3 of them did. My favourite has fewer hours/responsibilities and *more* money, and they're fine waiting on me to finish up my planned maternity leave (9 more weeks) before I start.
I had a 'check in day' scheduled for later this month, but pulled it forward to Monday and asked my cousin and a few others to be there. I laid out all of the above. I was open to negotiating in a way that would let me stay in the company, but my cousin flew off the handle, and after that we agreed that me staying was no longer an option. As I have 9 weeks of leave left, I will hand in my notice, meaning I will not come back to work, but I will be paid for this time, as well as compensated for the leave I lost.
My cousin has blocked me on everything, but his mum has called my mum, who has been yelling at me for 2 days. I've had to block my own mother. My cousin is attempting to rally our entire family against me, but I have nan on my side, so he is not succeeding. I am **never** working with family again. | FranFace | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ms9eve/op_works_for_family_and_is_in_trouble_for_not/ | ms9eve | 5,557 | 487 | [
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