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8,701 | daddit | Pregnant. Arguments. I had doubts of staying but, that's my son. No way I'm walking. Stick it out. Birth. 6 months in, she was argumentative, left me to handle all the day to day stuff after I arrived from work. Still stuck it out. Has to get better, right? A year later, confirmed what I knew for months. Prepped to leave. She was leaving every night and gone every weekend. The day I moved, she didnt pick him up as discussed. Moved with my son and everything he needed. I suspected it would go that way, so I had prepped for months to know where all the important docs, toys, clothes, etc were. The day I left, I packed and left her with what she needed to exist. I took everything for my son. A year of arguing about visitation, with help from my atty, and I got her to sign custody papers. |
8,702 | daddit | I never thought I would either, now I’m happily remarried and living my best life. Focus on her, good things will come to you. |
8,703 | daddit | Tell me about it. I'll never understand it. Although there's a lot of things people do that I can't comprehend. |
8,704 | daddit | you're my goddamn hero man |
8,705 | daddit | My mom decided when I was very young that she’d rather party and do drugs. My dad wanted to keep her in our lives (his 3 daughters age 3, 4 and 8). She exposed us to her molester boyfriend and neglected us (even though she got the house and most of his money). She died when I was 6 of an overdose next to her molester drug dealing boyfriend. I’m so sad to say it, but it was a good thing we ended up with our dad. He’s my hero, despite all my ups and downs in my late teens and 20s he showed me (and all of us) unconditional love. He’s amazing, I would do anything for him. Sure, he lost this temper and didn’t buy us nice clothes or toys, or forgot to make Christmas special, he was there, and he sacrificed so much. I love him to pieces. I idolized my mom as the mom she could have been, but as I grew up I realized how lucky I was. Even on the worst days, please know she will always love you and always appreciate you, even if not in the moment! You’re a hero. :) now I have a fiancé and a son of my own, I appreciate my dad all over again! |
8,706 | daddit | There's no playbook for the tier of crap you're dealing with but it sounds like you're doing everything right so far. So here's another internet dad here to say: well done. Do your best to keep it together, and that will require self-care. Accept help from trusted loved ones. And tell your sweet daughter that a bunch of us internet folks are rooting for the two of you. |
8,707 | daddit | Do it man, I'm considering doing it myself. I'm on the same boat as you are bud. It'll get better , never forget who you're busting your ass for. |
8,708 | daddit | Reading all of this, you're getting fantastic advice, and also from this I can see you have a wonderful outlook. I'm just a stranger but from what I can tell you're going to be one of those legendary dads. Soldier on good sir. You got this! |
8,709 | daddit | It was very hard for me too. What worked for me was reading [this bit of advice from another Redditor](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://amp.reddit.com/r/NonZeroDay/comments/1qbxvz/the_gospel_of_uryans01_helpful_advice_for_anyone/&ved=2ahUKEwjErOznnqPrAhXOQs0KHSFQA4kQFjABegQIChAB&usg=AOvVaw3TS4f3qQ0k6K2GZq_tooh4). Honestly, just start small. Just set a goal to do dishes and vacuum one day, or do all the laundry in the house one day (which is my fav cause I can game some while I wait.) It was so much easier for me to focus if I just set a very simple goal to start. When you do this, I want you to think about the efficiency and orderliness of how you are operating. Think about how rinsing a dish after using it can save scrubbing it later. Think about the order of movements you go through to do laundry; is there an easier way? I want you to become an absolute master at this "simple" stuff. Look up how to fold clothes efficiently, and perfect the movements to do them. All this focus and thought about *how* you are doing things will help you do them better, and faster. Before long, your basic chores will be so fast and routine, that it just comes naturally. Stress will melt away. Once you have mastered your living space, and weekly routine, I had to start a different strategy. The mundane life tasks were being handled now, but what about all these projects? Make a damn list!!! Make a list of 4 or 5 of your highest priorities, and when you have a day that you feel super disorganized, pick something from the list. Feeling lazy? Pick an easier one, feeling spry? Go hard! It's up to you, but just have something to keep yourself moving forward. Bettering yourself, for YOU! Please hit me up if you have any questions man. I know it might be scary now, but you might be a year from the best life you've ever known. |
8,710 | daddit | I was crying a lot but I was still holding a lot in. I thought that, at some point, I would explode, and I was preparing for that. I went to the doctor who diagnosed me with acute grief disorder and prescribed me some happy pills. I'm still going through my Separation so I can't post much here, but i was able to release all that emotion through a physical relationship, and that made me feel a lot better. Now I am moving on and my wife is begging me to work it out. Like you, there was a lot more than just the affair. Nothing helps you get over the last one like the next two. There are better people out there. Being a cheater is like being a murderer, because once you kill somebody you're a murderer for the rest of your life. People don't change. Moving on is the only option. I just wish I didn't still love her so god damn much. |
8,711 | daddit | is moving back an option? you need support and you look like you would move heaven and earth for that kid but you still need to look after you before it gets too much. |
8,712 | daddit | Good for you! I wish you the best! Ask them for a written letter stating that! |
8,713 | daddit | Please don’t go to r/legaladvice. It’s actually terrible and the advice given is enough to make even the worst attorney cringe. This is too important to leave to the Internet. |
8,714 | daddit | What area of SC? Are you in the Charleston area? Do you need help? |
8,715 | daddit | I’m eternally grateful that my mom let me discover on my own how much of an asshat my dad was, even if I got burned a few times over. By the time I realised what was happening I was old enough to know that it was his fault alone and I’m perfectly fine. |
8,716 | daddit | I am. She doesnt want my daughter right now but I know that could change on a moments notice. Even her family is telling me to secure custody as soon as possible. |
8,717 | daddit | Best advice ever! |
8,718 | daddit | I think too if any emails or electronic communication save it. |
8,719 | daddit | I'm not in the same situation as OP. But a great way to document things is just taking pictures and videos. And automatically upload them to Dropbox/Google drive/one drive. They get catalogued by date and it's harder to lose. Not just for documenting the mother's absence. Just great for memories in the future and to keep the safe. |
8,720 | daddit | That's a biggie. Never bad mouth the ex in front of the daughter. If she's ever back in the kids life, she (the daughter) will remember who was civil and who was cruel |
8,721 | daddit | Yeah it is. She already had pretty severe depression and then postpartum psychosis afterwards. I understand and I tried to help. But ultimately she doesnt want help, she wants to sleep around and party. I can't force her to try and make our marriage work or be there for our daughter. |
8,722 | daddit | Having a child is hugely disruptive and can have big impacts on someone's mental health, with or without postpartum. Not excusing what OP's wife did in the slightest, but we see an awful lot of men do this exact same thing when they have new babies because they cannot come to terms with their life, and try desperately to cling to some imagined life they feel they should be having instead. It's a very tough time for everyone, and I hope OP finds peace with what has happened and thrives as the father his daughter needs. |
8,723 | daddit | Its the only thing going through my mind and its ripping me apart. Everyone says its not my fault but every effect has a cause. I can't help but ask myself. Am I that boring? That unpleasant to be around? That bad in bed? My self esteem and confidence is shot. |
8,724 | daddit | I mean the postpartum and depression is the cause, but she left because she doesn't want the responsibility. She just wants to sleep around and drink/do drugs |
8,725 | daddit | I'm just afraid of even trying for something like that. The courts aren't exactly known for being kind (or even fair) to dads. |
8,726 | daddit | Thank you. I needed that. I have to keep going so that she can live a good life. |
8,727 | daddit | You should go for it. Even if it isn't some life changing experience, it's nice to get stuff off your chest. |
8,728 | daddit | I'm trying. I know it will get better but I'm still at the bottom. Long climb ahead, even if I know the light is up there somewhere. |
8,729 | daddit | Yeah. Same here. The worst part is I still love her. Even as she destroys herself and everything we built. |
8,730 | daddit | Not while I'm in the navy. I'm currently going through a navy separation but it'll be awhile. |
8,731 | daddit | Yeah im in Charleston. I've got family coming out as soon as they can so hopefully I'll be ok. But I might make another post asking if there's any Charleston dads that want to get together for a beer or something. I could use the support. |
8,732 | daddit | That's a red flag. See if you can get that in something like email (i.e. in writing). |
8,733 | daddit | Get custody and get it in writing. Document EVERYTHING. Get a GOOD lawyer. They’re expensive, and worth every red cent to protect that little girl. |
8,734 | daddit | When my ex said he didn't care about his own son, that was the point when I was completely done. Kids deserve love and care from their parents. And if one of the parents is unwilling to care for their child they don't deserve to be in that child's life. The child does deserve to know who their parents are though so I very much think that if my son wants to meet his dad that's his right. It's just not up to the parent who abandoned their child anymore. I hope this helps and also maybe check out r/singleparents . They're a very supportive community and there's parents of all genders there. I really do hope things get better for you and your daughter. You seem like a very loving dad. |
8,735 | daddit | Go to the court and start court ordered child support payments. This will give you some rights as a parent. |
8,736 | daddit | Idk, my mom was kinda a piece of shit and my dad was just trying to be a dad. This all happened when I was like newborn to 2 and remember nothing really. Like my mom is still an unworkable drunk, but I've kinda pieced together the story from all the drunks that grew up in that area pretty sure my mom promptly left my dad and started fucking around with some of his best friends. Just growing up with my mom, i'm not a huge fan. She had 90% custody of me. Dad was always civil about it. Mom was pretty civil but not so much all the time. Let me know all the time my dad was cheap and what not. Idk, to me, if you fucking abandon the relationship when you have a kid you're a piece of shit for life. Like this guys wife, she's a total piece of shit. Probably much like my mom was to pretty much give up on our family thing and do my dad like that. Idk, I know not when they are little kids, but I wish someone (I guess dad and his wife) would have sat me down at some point in my life and given me the "directors cut" of what happened when I was too young to remember. I don't know why we feel like we need to make kids believe absolute pieces of shit are actually ok people just because they happen to be a parent. |
8,737 | daddit | I know vengeance isn't a recommended path to catharsis, but if it helps you get through it: your future ex-wife will have many regrets around her decisions as she matures. This will come back to bite her in the ass. If I am wrong, then it's even more important that she not be in your lives. |
8,738 | daddit | I'm sorry you're going through this! I suffered immensely with PPD with both kids and if your ex ever comes up for air, this will be her biggest regret. This was always my fear...the possibility of spiraling to the point of no return or abandoning my family in my desperation to quiet the storm in my mind. Hail you, for being a great dad in all this! |
8,739 | daddit | Honestly, the fact that you’re there wanting to be a dad (a f’n amazing one at that) is enough to show the quality of person you are. Put your self-esteem and self-worth in the person you know you are, not the person you think someone else “thinks” you are. |
8,740 | daddit | Even if it was something you did, she abandoned her responsibilities to go be the town pump. This is what you need to focus on, not on ruminating over something you may or may not have done. Let her go live the glamorous whore lifestyle that she craves - never forget that she’s a fucking dog that discarded her sweet baby girl like she was a piece of garbage. Maybe you can improve on some things, who knows, but you need to understand that a whore, such as your ex-wife, will always crave more excitement and more dick, it’s just in her whore DNA - nothing you could do about it. So, instead of worrying so much about whether your jokes were funny or not, whether you busted too soon when you laid the pipe down on her insatiable pussy, you should focus on not pulling such a filthy whore the next time, if there is a next time. You may not think it now, but it’s better that whore removed herself from your lives. Because if she didn’t, her vile whore influence would have done incalculable harm to your daughter. Your job, my friend is to make sure she stays removed. |
8,741 | daddit | Wow... She’ll regret that one day. Sucks she doesn’t wanna grow up. But you know what- your daughter is going to be strong because of YOU. She’s going to learn to love because of YOU. things will work out, man, just like everyone else says- document everything & stay civil! |
8,742 | daddit | A person with a hole in their heart so big that their own baby can't begin to fill it is a sad state of affairs. None of those other things she's doing will fill it either in the long run, and she'll realize that some day, far far too late. |
8,743 | daddit | Might be too late, but... If the courts have a tendency to blindly meet "in the middle," make sure that middle is as high as possible. Get child support. |
8,744 | daddit | Or record a phone call. If you can get her folks on tape saying she's unfit... wow. Having said that, they are probably really torn up about it. The baby is their family too. I'm sure they wish you no ill will if they're telling you the ex is bad news |
8,745 | daddit | I would go one step further and ask them to physically write it in a letter because your ex could say the email was faked in one way or another. |
8,746 | daddit | Exactly. And honestly, make the first move. Establish is now, when she isn't involved rather than try to fight her for it when she changes her mind and gets default. |
8,747 | daddit | Ah yes. Once you reached the age where you could understand the situation, it would have been good to have a real talk about what happened. I was thinking more about the feuding ex's who call their ex "that bitch", or "that piece of shit" etc. That sets a band tone all around. |
8,748 | daddit | Both our families and our mutual friends have pretty much all said they'll be shocked if she doesn't try to come back within 6 months. Unfortunately its just too late for that. |
8,749 | daddit | Check your state laws on that one. Some require dual party consent, where you must ask or disclose that you're recording; others, single party, where you don't have to disclose shit. |
8,750 | daddit | Exactly. When mine checked out, I checked in. I had a written journal of everything that went on. Literally everything, to a scary amount of detail. It left her with no defense in the end. When she left, I had temporary custody written up immediately since I owned the house and she had nothing. Possession is 90% of custody, and when the divorce was filed, I still had the house and she was renting a couch from someone. Act first, act now. Over-document, and protect the little life that matters most. |
8,751 | daddit | > "that bitch", or "that piece of shit" etc. That sets a band tone all around. Oh I agree, none of that. |
8,752 | daddit | Do not settle for that. You’re both worth so much more than the whims if anyone, depression or not. You can be happy together, and if I might say...the stuff you’re made of will be very attractive to someone that will be better suited for you both. I wish you both the very best. It might be very hard, but what you have here is an opportunity to be a super-human and that’s something to be proud of. |
8,753 | daddit | Most places are fine with single party consent. The big thing they are trying to avoid is a 3rd party recording. You know, a jealous husband records his wife and her sister without them knowing. I think OP should just get it on tape, and hope its never needed. |
8,754 | daddit | That sounds like a bullshit law. Everybody should be held accountable for their words whether they were told they were being recorded or not. |
8,755 | daddit | It would be inadmissible in any custody hearing. And a crime in and of itself. Not a great idea. Depending on the state, of course. |
8,756 | daddit | Regardless, op shouldn't break any laws, that's only going to cause him possible legal ramifications, aside from that the court might consider it inadmissible evidence. |
8,757 | daddit | Self explanatory. I was just commenting on the law. |
8,758 | daddit | My kid is sick every 2-3 weeks and can't go to daycare for the week, but I still pay for it. Nice. |
8,759 | daddit | Thank you for half of your paycheck. Here is a link to our Amazon wishlist of toys we would like for the classroom |
8,760 | daddit | Our daycare had hand foot and mouth, impetigo and Strep A last week….it’s like the walking dead! |
8,761 | daddit | My wife works for a daycare and we both agree daycares just suck. You can either get government help and still pay, pay a lot and hopefully get decent child care, or pay a whole bunch more money for things to barely be better. They just charge so much and it’s unfortunate because the workers don’t usually get paid well even with a degree. My daughter loves her friends tho, so we will let her stay and get sick every other week lol |
8,762 | daddit | You forgot the part where you are also perpetually sick. |
8,763 | daddit | And, even though it seems like we don’t enforce this with any other family, and even though it will give you a daily internal struggle of deciding if your child is well enough yet and what the hell you’re going to do if they have to stay home one more goddamn time, your child may not attend if they have even a whiff of one of the following symptoms: <*167-item list*> You must still pay for that day. Welcome to our center! |
8,764 | daddit | Only half your paycheck! That optimistic |
8,765 | daddit | Funny but also I hate it. Legit pay as much for daycare as for my mortgage. And then they have the gall to ask for MORE money for other crap. My wife tells me we should give $50 for some charity thing cause they'll give us a picture our son drew on a mug... I'm not paying $50 for something the teacher drew and then signed his name to. |
8,766 | daddit | In Finland, the max cost is around 400€ a month for two kids. That's if you make over around 60k/year. Otherwise it's covered by the state. The quality of care is great and it includes breakfast, lunch and afternoon snack. |
8,767 | daddit | I am seriously losing my mind over this shit. Kid had a “fever” reading of 99.7° at daycare the first week of December. I take her home and take her temperature probably 20 times over the course of the day and can’t get a single fever reading, but that means she has to stay out 4 days. She goes back for 1 day, gets a runny nose (clear snot) and gets sent home again. Now she needs a doctors note but I can’t get an appointment for over 7 days. She gets cleared by the doctor, goes back for 1 day, school shuts down for snow. Gets one more day then it’s Christmas / New Years break. Goes back in January for a week, gets a light cold. Whatever. I took her to the doctor yesterday, she gets cleared, today is a snow day. She will probably get 1 or 2 days this week. The cost of daycare is almost as much as my fucking mortgage. It’s absolute bullshit how much it costs and how often you have no access to it. And you have to constantly weigh whether or not it’s worth it to meet up with cousins or friends or whatever because you _know_ the kid is gonna get sick and you’re gonna get fucked at home yet again for another week. Doing this with a 4 month old and a 3 year old home together is a nightmare sometimes. |
8,768 | daddit | This really stressed us out a few years ago. We were all getting sick twice a month, couldn't send our daughter to preschool with a hacking couch and runny nose, and seriously considered taking her out altogether. It seems ridiculous to be paying for child care when they're at home with you because it is. |
8,769 | daddit | That’s why my wife is staying home. Not worth the money or the hassle. |
8,770 | daddit | Seriously though, children really ought to be included in a country's social services. Why should a society be structured against having children? |
8,771 | daddit | I pay $5,200 USD for 2 kids. Sucks that private equity involved in the daycare biz Edit: $5,200/month |
8,772 | daddit | Any dads have the fun time during covid where daycares would lockdown and essentially close for two weeks, but you still had to pay while finding other coverage? 8 weeks, just burned to ash. |
8,773 | daddit | Real talk: parents are paying a lot, daycare workers barely make a living. Who the fuck is keeping all that money? Somebody we’re not focusing on has to be winning |
8,774 | daddit | It's fucking insane. We are basically paying a second mortgage. It's either that or send our kid to some sketchy basement daycare. If we had twins we'd probably have to rent out our place and move in with parents, it wouldn't be possible to survive. |
8,775 | daddit | Half? Daycare was pretty much entirely my partner's gross pay. |
8,776 | daddit | Just scored disease hattrick with my youngest - tonsillitis, otitis media & scarlet fever! And he really hates taking the antibiotics |
8,777 | daddit | Don't forget - everyone in the fucking house gets sick with whatever the kid's got. |
8,778 | daddit | I keep telling myself by the time they get to Kindergarten that they should be nearly invincible by then. That’s how my nephew has been. If it doesn’t go this way….I’m gonna lose my mind. |
8,779 | daddit | In Sweden, a month worth of daycare will set you back around 120$. The government also gives you around this amount, so no cost really. |
8,780 | daddit | My kid caught and passed Hand-Foot-Mouse disease to me from daycare. I didn't even know adults could get it. It's much worse for us when we do! They don't tell you how much the condition hurts. Afterwards, my fingernails didn't fall off but I had to cut them in half to avoid ingrown nails, it was awful. |
8,781 | daddit | Yo i just started searching for daycare for my 9 month old and 2 year old. OMG why so expensive!?!??! Almost 400 per kid a week |
8,782 | daddit | Jfk ain't that the truth. I was sick 3 weeks out of every month since school got back in this year. We ALL just got healthy at once for the first time since xmas. |
8,783 | daddit | I’m a stay at home dad/freelance interpreter with a 3y.o. and a 6m.o. Been debating whether or not to find a daycare because I am kind of at wits end and hate turning down some of these jobs I’m being offered because they’re great opportunities (both financially & building a career). But I’ll be damned if posts like these really make me question why I’m even debating in the first place. My wife is an RN so we’re not exactly rolling in it, and my job is not so steady so we can count on me to have stable income. |
8,784 | daddit | My wife has drastically reduced her work hours. I work 40 hrs and our in laws watch my kids 1 day a week. We also homeschool. We sacrifice a lot (meaning income) but much better than daycare and public schools. |
8,785 | daddit | We have 2yr old twins and have been able to get away with my MIL helping a few days a week while we’ve been working from home since the beginning of the pandemic. I know, we’re lucky as hell, but we’ve looked into daycare and hear this horror story a lot. Just paying to get your kid sick. We had met with a potential babysitter and she told us this same thing about her own kids. I think we’re just going to hold off as long as possible on any daycare and find other ways to socialize them. With there being two of them we like to think they’re more social bc of each other but we don’t want to stunt their socialization. It’s just absolutely insane the cost of daycare. It would be like a second mortgage with two kids. This is why people are putting off having kids in the US, it’s fucking untenable. |
8,786 | daddit | plus you get to join them! Infinite sick leaves UNLOCKED |
8,787 | daddit | Don’t forget snow days! Today is closed for snow, Monday MLK, last week sick all week. My normal monthly tuition cleared just fine at nearly 1400. Fuck! |
8,788 | daddit | What’s that? Your kid is healthy this week? Hmm… mandatory teacher development day on Wednesday. Good luck finding one time child care mid week. |
8,789 | daddit | But, but, their IMMUNE systems!! (Currently home from work with sick dayce enrolled kiddo), averages about once a week. |
8,790 | daddit | We don't do daycare but our YMCA offers childcare for up to two hours while you're in the gym. We've taken him twice and he's gotten sick both times. |
8,791 | daddit | Half? Where are you getting daycare at for only half a paycheck? |
8,792 | daddit | Or if they decide to close, you receive: nothing |
8,793 | daddit | Don’t worry, they’ll be healthy on that stat holiday from work that you also pay for, that they won’t be able to go to daycare on. |
8,794 | daddit | Our 10-day quarantine from a positive COVID test ends Friday. I'm planning a celebratory lunch out with my wife... |
8,795 | daddit | Daycare in southern California is the whole paycheck for a lot of people, and they'll still hit you with fundraising requests. |
8,796 | daddit | Never have I ever been more excited for Covid precautions to be dropped. My kid never got Covid but every time there was an exposure I had to take a week off to watch them. |
8,797 | daddit | It’s been raining here for three weeks. Finally nice yesterday, got out on my bike, felt a tickle. Woke up today full on sick. Last illness lasted Dec 14-January 4th or 5th. |
8,798 | daddit | It's no joke. The in-facility day care where I worked when we had babies wanted more than my monthly wages to take two kids. It was for employees only. I don't know how that was supposed to work. Before we had kids, ~20 years ago, it was too much. Now? Now it's insane. |
8,799 | daddit | Both kids have been home all week due to pink eye. F |
8,800 | daddit | At least mine are in elementary school so I don't lose so much money. Still sick ever other week but, I guess that's just how it works till they are teenagers. |
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