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We've got a lot of work to do.
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Someone help me! I'm still alive, only I'm very badly burned.
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Some of you I know, some of you I'm meeting for the first time.
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Hello up there! Anyone! Can someone call an ambulance? I'm in quite a lot of pain.
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You've all been gathered here to form my Evil Cabinet. Excuse me.
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Ow! You shot me!
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Right. Okay. Moving on.
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You shot me right in the arm! Why did
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Commander, this is Slater in SoWest Com Three. We have a potential bogey with erratic vectoring and an unorthodox entry angle.
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Is it one of ours?
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No. Log Com Bird Twelve says its metalurg recon analysis is a standard alloy, not stealthy, not carbon composite. It does have an odd shape, sir.
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What are you saying, son?
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It appears to be in the shape of Bob's Big Boy, sir.
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Oh my God, he's back.
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In many ways, Bob's Big Boy never left, sir. He's always offered the same high quality meals at competitive prices.
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Shut up.
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Should we scramble TacHQ for an intercept?
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What's its current position?
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Commander, I have to log it...
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That's a direct order. You didn't see a thing!
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Hi, folks. You're entering a restricted zone. Can I see your security badges?
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Sure.
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Everything seems to be in order.
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Hey, wait a minute
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Here, have a piece of gum.
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Here, have a piece of gum.
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Don't mind if I do.
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Hey! Wait a minute, that's my last piece of gum.
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No, no, I want you to have it, even if it's my last piece.
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No, no, I want you to have it, even if it's my last piece.
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I'm going to go across the street and get you some sherbert.
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Noooooooooooooo!
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Where did you learn to shoot?
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Danger Powers, personal effects.
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Actually, my name's Austin Powers.
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It says here, name Danger Powers.
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Danger's my middle name.
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OK, Austin Danger Powers: One blue crushedvelvet suit. One frilly lace cravat. One gold medallion with peace symbol. One pair of Italian shoes. One pair of tiedyed socks, purple. One vinyl recording album: Tom Jones, Live at Las Vegas. One Swedishmade penis enlarger pump.
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That's not mine.
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One credit card receipt for Swedish made penis enlarger pump, signed Austin Powers.
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I'm telling you, baby, that's not mine.
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One warranty card for Swedishmade penis enlarger pump, filled out by Austin Powers.
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I don't even know what this is. This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby.
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One book: SwedishMade Penis Enlarger Pumps and Me: This Sort of Thing Is My Bag, Baby, by Austin Powers.
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Mr. Powers, my job is to acclimate you to the Nineties. You know, a lot's changed since 1967.
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Well, as long as people are still having promiscuous sex with many anonymous partners without protection, while at the same time experimenting with mindexpanding drugs in a consequencefree environment, I'll be sound as a pound.
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My mother's told me all about you.
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If it's a lie, goddamn her. It it's the truth, goddamn me. God, I hope that's witty. How's your mum?
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My mother's doing quite well, thank you very much.
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OK, OK, man, don't get heavy, I'll sign. Just to get things moving, baby.
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Listen, Mr. Powers, I look forward to working with you, but do me a favor and stop calling me baby. You can address me as Agent Kensington. We have to leave immediately. We've preserved your private jet just as you left it. It's waiting at Heathrow Airport.
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My jumbo jet? Smashing baby.
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Pretty groovy Jumbo Jet, eh? How does a hot chick like you end up working at the Ministry of Defense?
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I went to Oxford and excelled in several subjects, but I ended up specializing in foreign languages. I wanted to travel see the world. In my last year I was accepted into the M.O.D. in the Cultural Studies sector. I thought I was off on an exciting career, but my job was to read everything printed in every country. It's very boring. My whole day is spent reading wedding announcements in Farsi. If I do well with this case, I finally get promoted to field operative...
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That's fascinating, Vanessa. Listen, why don't we go into the back and shag?
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I beg your pardon?
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I've been frozen for thirty years, man, I want to see if my bits and pieces are still working.
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Excuse me?
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My wedding tackle.
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I'm sorry?
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My meat and two veg.
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Mr. Powers, please. I know that you must be a little confused, but we have a very serious situation at hand. I would appreciate it if you'd concentrate on our mission and give your libido a rest.
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Have you ever made love to a Chigro?
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A Chigro?
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You know, a Chigro... part Chinese, part Negro... Chigro.
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We don't use the term 'Negro' anymore. It's considered offensive.
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That's right. You're supposed to say 'colored' now, right? Here's the stewardesses! Bring on the sexy stews!
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Brrrr! She must be frigid. There's two things I know about life: one, Americans will never take to soccer. Two, Swedish girls and stewardesses love to shag! They're shagmad, man! Let me ask you a question, Vanessa, and be honest.
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Sure.
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Do I make you horny?
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What?
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Do I make you horny? Randy, you know. To you, am I eros manifest?
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I hope this is part of the unfreezing process.
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Listen, Vanessa, I'm a swinger... That's what I do, I swing.
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I understand that, Mr. Powers, but let me be perfectly clear with you, perhaps to the point of being insulting. I will never have sex with you, ever. If you were the last man on Earth and I was the last woman on Earth, and the future of the human race depended on our having sex simply for procreation, I still would not have sex with you.
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You've preserved my Jag! Smashing!
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Yes, we've had it retrofitted with a secure cellular phone, an onboard computer, and a Global Geosynchronous Positioning Device. Oh, and finally, this.
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Let me guess. The floss is garotte wire, the toothpaste contains plastic explosives, and the toothbrush is the detonation device.
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No, actually. I don't know how to put this really. Well, there have been fabulous advances in the field of dentistry.
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Why? What's wrong with my teeth?
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Hey, who put this in here? Someone's playing a prank on me! Honestly, this isn't mine.
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I'm sure.
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I think I'll give that stew a dinga ling.
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I love Las Vegas, man. Oh, I forgot my xray glasses.
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Here, use mine.
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I'm going to use a cover name. It's important that it be a generic name so that we don't draw attention to ourselves.
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I can't see a bloody thing.
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Oh, I forgot to tell you, they're prescription Xray glasses. I have very bad astigmatism.
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Why did you leave so soon?
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That cat Number Two has an Xray eyepatch. I get bad vibes from him, man. Listen, we should go back to the room, but first I have to go to the naughty chair and see a man about a dog.
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Good morning, luv, who are you on the phone with?
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Do you want to talk to him?
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Good morning, Vanessa! I hope you have on clean underwear.
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Why?
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We've got a doctor's appointment an evil doctor's appointment.
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A limousine has just pulled up.
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Let me see.
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Hello, hello. That's Dr. Evil's cat.
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How do you know?
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I never forget a pussy... cat.
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