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gorovuha
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CleanComedy

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"Johnny Depp looks good in that outfit! " "That's Diane Keaton."
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I had to return my Bonnie Tyler Sat Nav It kept telling me to turn around, and every now and then it fell apart
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War Machine is such a hard worker. That he even took his work home with him
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me: if santa is all knowing, then he could solve every crime but he just doesn't hostage: can i go to the bathroom me: no
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Passion of the cross was a great movie They really nailed it on the crucifixion sence.
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i want to pass away peacefully , in my sleep , like my grandpa did. not screaming in a car crash like the passengers in his car
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you know what really makes me smile? facial muscles .
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him : do you want to run away with me? me : we won't actually be running , right
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when a jehovah witness dies, heaven turns off all the lights and pretends no one is home .
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Why Is A Man's Mind Dirtier Than A Woman's? A woman changes hers more often.
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I thought I broke my sewing machine... ...but it seams fine now.
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what does a dog see in the mirror? a chair
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What baked treat shares its name with a gynaecological apparatus? Flapjacks.
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So one physicist asks another physicist So what's new? The physicists responds, C over Lambda.
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SPOILERS: Finding Dory was just a Movie. about her for getting home
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If your legs open up faster than Google's homepage. You are not girlfriend material
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what did the ocd man get thrown in jail for? organized crime .
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if i ever start a customer service company, i'm going to name it ' hold please ' .
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Have you guys ever eaten Ethiopian food? Eh, that's okay. Neither have they.
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why was the pilot jealous of the chef? because of his ground thyme .
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Quitting smoking was the easiest thing I've ever done. I've done it hundreds of times
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Whenever I struggle with my identity, I go to the bathroom and look in the mirror. I find it's the best place for self reflection.
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Women love shy guys with some sensitive sensibilities. They also love confidence and assertiveness. So, have multiple personality disorder.
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Why was the Sun mad at all the clouds? Because they kept throwin shade
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what are you listening to right know? candy shop .
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I work as a Lie Detector for police interrogations. At least it's honest work
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If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
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What do you call a calm Asian man? A Mellow Yellow
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Chadwick Boseman was a real Chad Even though it is a DEAD meme
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I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'. You've probably seen our posters
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if my life flashes before my eyes, i hope it's not the special edition with all the deleted scenes i've blocked from my memory .
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another " iron man " joke iron man is a superhero. iron woman is a command
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Thousand Oaks? More like Hundred Oaks.
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"Pistorius" sounds like a spell Harry Potter would have use to make someone's legs disappear. This is Frankie Boyles joke, not mine
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Remember when we spent an entire year learning cursive? That's why the other countries are winning.
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did you hear about the underwater snooker player? he was a pool shark !
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How do you turn a duck into a chart topping soul singer? Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers
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Why aren't burgers too good at basketball? Too many turnovers!
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my new thesaurus arrived today , and it's terrible. and another thing , it's terrible
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I needed to clean my FleshLight, i heard they were dishwasher safe. But that would Just ruin the load
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how do you stop an angry rhino from charging? you take away its credit card
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what's large , grey and doesn't matter? an irrelephant .
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I think I'm going to adopt a kid. Recycling is important, after all
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I have an irrational fear that I'm accidentally making up words. I don't want to be misunderstandable
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my favorite selfies are the ones people post of themselves looking off in the distance, like they didn't realize they were taking a selfie
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Every day me and my dog go for a tramp in the woods We enjoy it, but the tramp's getting a bit fed up
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I wanted to tell you a FedEx joke. But there was already one yesterday, and I don't want you to get FedUp
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There is a special species of bird that is really good at holding stuff together. They're called velcrows
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Wanna hear a joke about eye fluid? It's vitreous humor.
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So I saw a truck called 'The Morse Deliverers' reversing yesterday, For some reason it just kept on saying 'S'
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What's the best thing about cot death? You get a good night's sleep before you find out.
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what's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? you can roast beef , but you can't pee soup .
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what do you call a blind deer? no eye deer
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Why don't blind people have an opinion? Because they dont have a point of view.
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What's the difference between my Dad and an elevator? An elevator can support a family.
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If April showers bring Mayflowers, what do Mayflowers bring? Pilgrims
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The flat earth theory is somewhat true As many people saw the end of their world on top of Mt Everest
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Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars? Their days are numbered
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whats the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub? one has hope in her soul , the other has soap in her hole .
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Women think that they can do the same things as men. But they haven't successfully oppressed an entire gender
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When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman
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Difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus? I can actually believe that there's a painting of Jesus
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What is the only car that can actually get you girls? A pickup truck
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what do you call a woman who always knows where her husband is? a widow .
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why is it bad for blind people to skydive? it scares the hell out of the dog
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What do tigers wear in bed? Stripey pyjamas !
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I just got married today It's unreal. I can still remember the the exact moment when every woman in the world became instantly more attractive
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santa is always jolly, he knows where the naughty girls live .
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You hear about the guy who got lost in Africa? He didn't know where Togo.
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Why did the African man stop sipping his cup of water? He realised it's for the whole family to share
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i love dry erase boards. they're remarkable
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Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. while married women come home see what's in the bed and go to the fridge
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why wasn't jesus born in the usa? because god couldn't find three wise men and a virgin .
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Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
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Why is Toblerone shaped like a triangle? To fit in the box.
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A mountain was next to another mountain.. An earthquake happens and one of the mountains say.. "It wasn't my fault! " credit to my awesome science teacher
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Why are elephants wiser than chickens? Have you ever heard of Kentucky Fried Elephant
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I took a piano lesson with Elton John. He was so nice, he even offered to push in my stool
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my wife told be that i don't understand the concept of irony. which was ironic because we were in the car at the time
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I'm going to rewrite history. History
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oh , you're straight? well , so is spaghetti until it gets hot and wet .
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lpt: what to do when someone is having a seizure in a bathtub throw in a load of laundry .
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An emo and leaf falls, which lands first? The leaf because the emo got stopped by the rope
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if you leave without a reason, don't bother coming back with an excuse .
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What is the difference between a freezer and a kid? One of them still works when you pull the meat out.
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i finally read to the end of the dictionary today. it turns out the zebra did it for me
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TIFU by quitting my job as a train driver and downing a bottle of ketchup. I went off the rails and straight on the sauce
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Staying in every night and watching sitcom reruns, it's like every night is Prom Night.
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A new study has proven. A new study has proven that people who have more birthdays live longer
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What is a java programmers favorite bird? A BlueJ
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i just found a halloween candy on my lawn and ate it. so i guess i am able to live off the land if i ever needed to
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What did the little boy with no limbs get for Christmas? Cancer.
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What will they now use on photos for LGBT magazines? an airbroosh
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I heard a tree talking to me the other day, but I couldn't understand what it was saying... then I realized I was in vietnam.
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My high school bully just made my McDouble, so I guess I won; but then again I am eating at McDonald's so I guess it's a tie.
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what do you call your mum who is shorter than you? a minimum .
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You can call me a bike Because I love it when people ride me but I love it even more when little kids ride me
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some people have a way with words, others not have way .
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What band was Harambe In? Gorillaz
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Why do I vape? It's how I let off a little steam.
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