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CleanComedy

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Can you name two burgers who are royalty? Sir Loin and Burger King!
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What did Stevie Wonder's younger brother think their parents named him after British royalty? Because they named him Stevie Twoder.
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why didn't the skeleton go to the ball? he had nobody to go with .
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Why didn't the man buy Velcro shoes? ....because they were a rip off
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what do you get if you cross a fish and an elephant? swimming trunks .
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Did you know that some vegetables float and some sink? For example, an onion floats in the canal but my disabled son sank.
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what do you tell a woman with two black eyes? nothing , you already told her twice . i know this is an old one but i didn't see on here so why not .
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Why does Snoop Dog always smile like he knows something you don't? Because he's been snooping around.
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if the cup is only half full, i suggest you buy a smaller bra
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Did you know about the guy that invented tampons? He went from rags to riches
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what's the difference between pizza and your opinion? i asked for pizza .
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how is a woman who got her winter coat at target similar to an officer on leave? they both got their fur low .
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am i the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? also , does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort
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What did the limestone say to the geologist? Don't take me for granite!
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Shortest Joke Ever Venicine's dear isn't it. Courtesy of Jimmy Carr, great joke
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What's Robin Hood's favourite font? Sans Sheriff!
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Nice guys finish last, cause stamina.
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ever hear about the roman general who had a fit every time there was cold weather? hail threedots seizure
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Ten years ive been looking for a play on words to impress my friends. No pun in ten did
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where did jessica go after the explosion? everywhere
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I know I'll never be a rocket scientist. because the amount of math they have to do is astronomical and I'm not very stellar at it
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If two vegetarians fight. Do they have beef
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date : " so , what do you want to be? " me : " impressed . "
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Why are snails allowed on ships? Escargot.
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did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and left leg in a terrible car accident? he's all right now .
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whats the hardest part of eating a vegitable? the wheelchair
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I went the school of hard knocks. My knuckles are still sore
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Okay body wash, unless you're caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the "energizing" claims. You're soap
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How do you calm down an astronaut? ...you give him space.
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What did kobe say before dying? Gigi good game
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I recently started a business hiding landmines in prayer mats Just a few days in, business is booming and prophets are going through the roof!
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How do you know if a baby is dead? It doesn't cry when you nail It's feet to the ceiling.
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How does Harry Potter do web design? Inspecto Elemento
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Did you hear about the cow that tried to hurdle a barbed wire fence? It was an udder disaster.
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There is going to be a merger between FedEx and UPS. Yep, they're going to be called "FedUp"
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What did the quiet kid say to his classmates while playing hide and seek? "I'll never be able to find you!"
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Chicken joke me: why did the chicken cross the road person: why did the chicken cross the road?????? me: it didn't i hit it with my truck while going to KFC
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Why does the U.S. Navy use powdered soap? It takes longer to pick up.
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I just discovered that the word 'nothing' is a palindrome... Backwards it spells 'gnihton', which also means nothing.
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i almost had a threesome once. i only needed two more people
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sandwich : hi. barman : sorry , we dont serve food in here
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A Buddhist monk goes to a hot dog stall. and says "make me one with everything"
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i finally found a simple and easy way to deal with my weight problem. i threw my scale out
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What rock group has four men that don't sing? Mount Rushmore.
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no matter how bored i get, i'll never be bored enough to go back and read through all the greeting cards i've saved over the years .
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What do you call a male robot that likes to dress up in women's clothing? A transistor. haha
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my cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, i have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive .
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Why was the binary number so happy? Because of two's compliment!
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It's impossible to fool an aborted fetus. I mean, it isn't like it wasn't born yesterday.
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what is gray , has a trunk , and big ears? a mouse going on vacation .
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are people in wheelchairs okay with jokes being made about them? i don't know where they stand on the issue .
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what is a tornado? mother nature doing the twist !
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I like my puns like I like my sausages. The wurst ones are the best
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what's red and white and red , red and white and red and white? santa claus rolling down a roof !
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So, I want a refund of my donation to childhood cancer research. I donate every year, and the cancer isn't getting better! In fact, they're living longer!
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Ruth and Johnny, side by side, went out for an auto ride. They hit a bump, Ruth hit a tree, Johnny kept going Ruthlessly
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Just had my first threesome but it was not what I had envisioned. The other two guys seemed to like it just fine
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If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
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What do you get when a mountain climber crosses a mosquito? You can't cross a scalar and a vector.
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Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
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i got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment. threedots threedots it's a whisk i was willing to take
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my fortune cookie read " end of roll. replace "
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Eggs stay away from bowls Or enter at their own whisk.
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why does a chicken coup only have two doors? if it had four , it'd be a chicken sedan .
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what is more funny than a penguin sliding down a hill? the penguin who pushed him !
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sometimes you need a little distance to see things clearly, but other times it is obviously a bear and you should probably just run
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I would imagine paying your bills at a library in Prague has to be easy. You know, with all of the Czech books and whatnot
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I love those Discovery programs about space and time. I hope they always Continuum.
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What do you do with spoiled fish food? Load it in the chum dumpster.
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Kermit The Frog and Henry The Eighth... ...have the same middle name
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Why should you never partner with an engineer? They always have plans of their own.
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A man buys shares from the stock market. But he never shared any of it
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How do you make a small fortune in aviation? Start out with a large fortune.
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How many Emos does it take to change a lightbulb? Doesn't matter because there is no light, only dark.
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what do you call a bee from america? a usb .
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how can you tell someone's a navy seal? they'll tell you in their novel .
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Q: Who burped at the big bad wolf? A: Little Rude Riding Hood!
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who found america ? : d teacher : maria please point to america on the map . maria : this is it . teacher : well done . now class, who found america ? class : maria did .
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i was going to go to the alzheimer's charity run yesterday. but i forgot
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Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
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what is the smartest fruit? it's the orange , boy can it concentrate !
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why was the girl stuck in the revolving door for two weeks? cuz she couldn't find the door handle
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I used to be brilliant at robotic dancing. I'm a bit rusty now though
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Have you seen that new documentary about constipation? Oh that's right, it hasn't come out yet..
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i left my last girlfriend because she wouldn't stop counting. i often wonder what she's up to now
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how do you find will smith in the snow? you follow the fresh prints
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How did they know Paul Walker had dandruff? They found his head and shoulders in the glove compartment.
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why do melons insist on having big weddings? because they just cantaloupe .
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i just deleted all the german names off my phone. it's hans free
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q : what happened when smokey the bear started the forest fire? a : he got arrested just like you would've .
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what has four legs , feathers , and can fly? two birds
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What's the difference between a bugatti and a pile of dead babies? I don't have a bugatti on my driveway.
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I refuse to go bungee jumping.... ... I came into this world because of a broken rubber, I'm not leaving because of one.
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What's the slowest boat? A snail boat
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My dad died of severe hemorrhaging, and my best friend was disabled by ischemia. Different strokes for different folks, I guess
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what's the similarity between bill cosby and santa have in common? they both come when you're asleep .
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What's the difference between a tuna, a piano and a gluestick? You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna.
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I'm like olive oil... Extra virgin
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How do you know statisticians are always serious? They mean what they say.
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The power went out. At the gigafactory
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