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CleanComedy

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Why did the pelican get kicked out of the restaurant? Because he had a very large bill.
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My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can't do that
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All in all, it's just a. nother post on my wall
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I'm about to leave this sub This was a good sub but the bots ruined it. Peace
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Why didn't the drummer commit the crime? He couldn't handle the repercussions.
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Did you know Kurt Cobain had dandruff? They found his head and shoulders behind the couch
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why did the poor dog chase his tail? because he was trying to make both ends meet .
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What is Romeo and Juliet's favorite fruit? Cantaloupe.
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how many kids with add does it take to screw in a light bulb? hey wanna go ride bikes
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Jesus died for our sins Which one?
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Jokes How is cat food sold? Usually purr can!
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ever just read somebody's post and think threedots what th h is this person talking about? they never seem to make any sense .
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If you ever get attacked by a shark, don't forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
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What's the difference between water and blood Blood tastes good
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i burnt my hawaiian pizza last night. i should have used aloha setting
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what is the only thing on earth that goes " ha ha " on a monday? a bit late , but threedots a blonde who heard a joke on friday .
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If Shrek can find love, so can you.
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My jokes are so funny that when i tell one my wife either laughs or gets a kick out of it
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i was gonna throw all of my socks in the bin, but i got cold feet .
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No place like home. Said Fritzl and proved it.
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looking forward to monday? you're married
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So anyway, one of my favorite pastimes is not drowning.
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what does a dyslexic agnostic wonder about? is there a dog
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My father has the heart of a lion He also has a life time han at the zoo
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If a threesome with two guys and a girl is called a "manwich", what do you call a threesome with two girls and a guy? Vaggie burger.
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what happened to the cow when she tried to jump over the barbed wire fence? udder destruction .
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Why did the limbless guy not want to clean his house? He wasn't comfortable with the task at hand
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What lives on a farm and says moo? a bilingual chicken
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Which joke applies to laundry and history? Never put whites with colors
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What sound does a pinewood derby car make when you rev it? Wooooooden Woooooooden Woooooden!
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with a calendar, your days are numbered .
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what is the difference between blondes and traffic signs? some traffic signs say stop .
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i like my women exactly how i like my pet. i like both to be horse !
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what's the name of that movie about the war horse? war biscuit
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Where is the best place to hide a dead body? The second page of a google search.
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How did skeletons send each other letters in the days of the Wild West? By Bony Express.
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What's the difference between a truck full of sand a truck full of muss? You can't unload a truck of sand with a pitch fork.
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TIL: Amy Winehouse spent the last moment of her life watching her own video clips on Youtube before her death. She must have read the comments
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What's the difference between Jesus and my dad? Jesus said he will return.
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If the Swiss Army knife is so good. How come the Swiss army never fights
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I once bought a llama to surprise my girlfriend... "A llama? " "No, surprise her."
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I've been told I have to tell a joke about barometers. Ooh, the pressure
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How do you know that toothpaste was invented in Arkansas? Because if it were invented anywhere else, it'd be called teethpaste.
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Why are elephants grey? So you can tell them from flamingos !
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Went to petit trois tonight and it was delicious! Man though, sitting in a high stool for all of dinner was tough on the old girl
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I too went to the reddit restaurant. I had to ask other customers for sauce for any of the dishes
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Sometimes I wake up crabby. Sometimes I let her sleep in
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Where do baby ghosts go during the day? Dayscare centers
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what kind of chips do you eat in the bath? shower cream and onion .
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i thought i really understood what i was thinking, and then i spoke .
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What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a supermodel? Nothing if her husband knows what's good for him!
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Wife: can you change the baby Me: oh thank god. I'm so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will Wife: I don't mean swap it for a new one Me: ...
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Know how I upset my balcony? I couldn't make it to the bathroom.
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i used to crush cans for a living, didn't like it though threedots it was soda pressing .
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I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today. Should have cooked it on aloha teperature
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how does a welshman find a sheep in tall grass? very satisfying .
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q : what's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a porsche? a . with a porcupine , the pricks are on the outside .
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The Hiroshima bombing was a beautiful sight It melted the hearts of the Japanese people.
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" omg, what a cute baby . he's adorable . makes me want threedots oh never mind he's crying now bye "
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What happened to the egg when he was tickled too much? He cracked up.
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Where did Ronda Rousey learn how to take a punch? Holm School
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I hate when it rains cats and dogs. I just stepped in a poodle
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What did kataras mom and Anne frank have in common They were both incinerated
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"Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen. " Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen, fourteen
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I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist
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I entered my Chihuahua in an 'ugliest dog' contest and I won first place! The dog came third.
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New music is so bad you should be cool like me: longing for a fictionalized version of the past you werent even alive for in the first place
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What's the difference between a good woman and a flatfish? The flatfish doesn't know it's plaice.
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What type of music is xxxtentacion and Mac Miller classified as. Underground music
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Me: I am sad, we don't have any cookie crumble for my ice cream. Wife: lots of things make me sad, like being married to a giant man baby
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At a job interview: "What are your strengths?" "I'm an optimist and a positive thinker. " "Give me an example" "When do I start?"
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Why is Superman's costume so tight? Because it only comes in size 'S'
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Now matter how sad I get, the length of your skirt reassures me that everything will be OK.
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What's the secret to a great joke The timing. The timeing
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Which side of a cheetah has the most spots? The outside!
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My girlfriend and I are in sync! Like the band. Or soap.
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Q: What's the highest position in the Greek Navy? A: Rear Admiral!
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What do you call a disabled person drowning? Drown syndrome
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when a programmer is born , what are their first words? " hello world ! "
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my grandfather had a stroke this week. he saw a picture of my grandmother when she was younger and couldn't help himself
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Over the weekend I took my wife to the theatre to see a performance that was all about puns. It was a play on words
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doctor doctor i think i'm a bell? take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring !
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why do we let women and children off a sinking ship first? so the sharks aren't hungry anymore .
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Q: Why do drummers always have trouble entering a room? A: They never know when to come in.
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So far at work I've straightened a paper clip then tried bending it back to its original shape. Employee of the month right here
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if you're afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway .
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Delivery is an important part of telling a joke. Except abortion jokes, they don't have one.
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today's no reddit day. don't reply to this
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want to hear a word I just made up? plagarism
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how did rihanna know chris brown was cheating on her? she found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles .
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how do you confuse helen keller? you tell her to read a basketball .
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today a man came to my door asking for donations for the local swimming pool. i gave him a glass of water
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Helen Keller was well known for her ability to make people feel like winners. Mainly because they played charades.
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Being a Jedi isn't all bad. I've been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades
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i've been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet .
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Did you hear the news about the failed plan to send ISIS a shipment of deactivated bomb vests? People are surprised it's blowing up.
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Become a PhD After many years of studying at a university, I've finally become a PhD. or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it
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if you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a facebook event invitation .
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What do you call a person who loved tractors but doesn't any more? An extractor fan
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I bought a timeshare on a racehorse. It's a nightmare
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