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he does n't move . | [
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`` what are you going to do ? '' | [
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he finally asks quietly . | [
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`` um , well , '' i begin with a cold laugh . | [
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`` i think i 'm going to eat this cold grilled cheese sandwich , and then i 'm going to start packing . '' | [
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chapter twenty-seven i survey my mom 's old beat-up station wagon . | [
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both the car and our old house were just on the verge of being sold , but my mom was able to back out . | [
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luckily she was taking her time in the process because she did n't think she had to worry about money anymore . | [
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the car is n't even full-the only things that belonged to us here were our clothes and some knick-knacks . | [
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it only took me a few hours this morning to pack it up . | [
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it 's both sad and comforting . | [
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our old life is still waiting for us , almost as though this whole summer never happened . | [
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but of course it did . | [
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i wondered last night if i would take these last few months back if i could . | [
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if i were given a magic wand that could make it so that my mom had never met pierce , that i 'd returned to our old house for the summer , that my relationship with nate had never gone beyond that encounter in the crew house , would i wave it ? | [
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i do n't know if i 've ever felt so much pain as i have recently , but also never so much happiness . | [
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i was held in such a tight little shell before , never really experiencing the depths or heights of anything , and i suppose you ca n't have one without the other . | [
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to never have held nate in my arms ... no , i ca n't imagine it . | [
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despite so many terrible things having happened , i would never want to erase the time i spent with him , even if it would take away the pain i 'm feeling right now . | [
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the pain that i can feel even in my bones , causing a throbbing ache throughout my whole body . | [
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it 's like i 'm detoxing from some powerful , addictive substance . | [
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one that i know only hurts me in the end . | [
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i catch a glimpse of my slightly swollen lip in the car window from where pierce hit me last night . | [
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we have n't seen him today-he must be holed up at a friend 's house or a hotel . | [
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i do n't even want to think of the divorce proceedings that my mom will be wrapped up in now . | [
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i hear the front door shut behind me and turn-will it be nate coming to say goodbye ? | [
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but it 's my mom , carrying one last small suitcase , her eyes covered in large , round sunglasses . | [
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`` ready ? '' | [
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she asks , without looking at me . | [
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i nod , then remember one last thing i 've forgotten . | [
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`` i 'll be right back , '' i say , and hurry in through the front door without explanation . | [
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i walk straight up the staircase and down the hall into my bedroom . | [
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it looks exactly the same as the first time i saw it . | [
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i pause for a moment , taking in the beauty of the furnishings for the last time , before walking over to my desk and opening the top drawer . | [
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i reach my arm all the way to the back and fish out the small slip of paper i stashed there . | [
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i walk out and down the hallway . | [
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nate 's bedroom door is slightly open and i can tell from the silence that he 's not inside . | [
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i push it open all the way and walk to his bed . | [
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i run my hand over his bedspread and breathe in his smell . | [
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i pull down the comforter and lay the piece of paper on top of his pillow , then pull the comforter back up over it . | [
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i certainly do n't want pierce to find the scrap of paper where eileen wrote her phone number . | [
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i 'm about to leave when something makes me cross over to his window overlooking the river . | [
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my eye catches on a flash of white on the lower lawn : nate sitting on the top step of the stairs leading down to the rocky shore . | [
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he sits completely still , his white t-shirt stretched across his broad back . | [
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i resist the urge to wonder what he 'll do now-it 's really none of my business anymore . | [
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i hurry back down to the car and see my mom sitting in the passenger seat . | [
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i open the driver 's door and see that she 's placed the keys on the seat . | [
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i get in without a word and turn the car on then pull away from the house . | [
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i glance in the rearview mirror to get one last glimpse at it as i turn the corner out of the gate . | [
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my mom is silent on our drive back to our old house , just staring out the window as we get on the highway that takes us further away from the city , back to our much less expensive neighborhood . | [
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a seed of resentment that 's been building inside of me all summer , or perhaps longer , finally takes root as i glance sidelong at her impassive face . | [
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`` you have n't even looked at me all day , '' i finally say , gripping the steering wheel with white-knuckled hands . | [
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`` what do you mean ? '' | [
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she asks faintly , still not turning to me . | [
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`` you have n't looked at my face , '' i repeat . | [
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`` brynn ... '' she sighs . | [
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`` no , it 's true . | [
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] | [
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your husband slapped me last night and you never even came to check on me . | [
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and now you wo n't look at the bruise . '' | [
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`` brynn , i 've been very upset . '' | [
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`` and i have n't ? | [
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] | [
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1
] |
he feels me up , hits me , and you have n't asked me if i 'm ok. '' `` it 's not my fault that he did those things ! '' | [
101,
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she shouts , suddenly hysterical . | [
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`` mom , i 'm not blaming you for his actions , alright ? | [
101,
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1010,
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1
] |
but you 're my mother . | [
101,
2021,
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2026,
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] | [
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] |
you should have believed me-you should have taken care of me . | [
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i 've been taking care of you for years , and this time , i needed you . '' | [
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my mom sobs once , reaching up to cover her mouth with her hand . | [
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] |
`` i wanted to believe you , brynn , i really did , '' she finally gasps . | [
101,
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2359,
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`` i just knew that if i did , everything would fall apart , and it all seemed so perfect . '' | [
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1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
`` but it was n't . '' | [
101,
1036,
1036,
2021,
2009,
2001,
1050,
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1056,
1012,
1005,
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102
] | [
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1
] |
`` no , it was n't . '' | [
101,
1036,
1036,
2053,
1010,
2009,
2001,
1050,
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1056,
1012,
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1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
i feel her hand reach up tentatively to touch my face , and her fingers graze over the small cut in the corner of my mouth . | [
101,
1045,
2514,
2014,
2192,
3362,
2039,
19325,
2000,
3543,
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2227,
1010,
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1,
1,
1,
1,
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1,
1,
1,
1
] |
`` oh , i 'm so sorry , my darling . | [
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1049,
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1,
1,
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1,
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1,
1
] |
does it hurt much ? '' | [
101,
2515,
2009,
3480,
2172,
1029,
1005,
1005,
102
] | [
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0,
0,
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] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
`` hardly at all , '' i reply , swallowing the tears that have sprung up at her touch . | [
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1036,
1036,
6684,
2012,
2035,
1010,
1005,
1005,
1045,
7514,
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22057,
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1,
1,
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1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
`` i never guessed ... about you and nate , i mean , '' she whispers . | [
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1045,
2196,
11445,
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1,
1,
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1,
1,
1
] |
`` that 's over , too , '' i reply shortly as my emotions threaten to overwhelm me . | [
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1036,
1036,
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1005,
1055,
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1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
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1,
1,
1,
1
] |
`` ah , '' is all she says . | [
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1036,
1036,
6289,
1010,
1005,
1005,
2003,
2035,
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2758,
1012,
102
] | [
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] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
`` well , i know that might not be the kind of thing you ever want to talk about with your mother , but i 'm here . | [
101,
1036,
1036,
2092,
1010,
1045,
2113,
2008,
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2785,
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1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
you cared about him a lot ? '' | [
101,
2017,
8725,
2055,
2032,
1037,
2843,
1029,
1005,
1005,
102
] | [
0,
0,
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0,
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] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
`` yes , '' i answer , my voice raspy with held emotion . | [
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1036,
2748,
1010,
1005,
1005,
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3437,
1010,
2026,
2376,
20710,
7685,
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1012,
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1,
1,
1,
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1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
`` so i guess you have to get a lawyer ? '' | [
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1036,
1036,
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1045,
3984,
2017,
2031,
2000,
2131,
1037,
5160,
1029,
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i ask , changing the subject . | [
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`` oh , god . | [
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i suppose so , '' she replies . | [
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`` i think i 'll be able to get my old job at the salon back , at least . | [
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i talked to anita and she said the new girl they got is terrible . '' | [
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`` did you sign a pre-nup ? '' | [
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i ask , thinking of eileen . | [
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i know i 'll have to fill my mom in on what i know about her soon , but it would just be too much for me right now . | [
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`` yes , '' she sighs . | [
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`` iron-clad . '' | [
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chapter twenty-eight i close the door behind me and dump my newly-purchased textbooks on my thin mattress , then straighten up to survey my lawn room . | [
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it 's not much to look at , with its sparse furnishings and lack of bathroom access , though it does have a framed list of every inhabitant that 's lived here , going back to uva 's very first class . | [
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for the last month , i 've just been sitting around our old house , doing my best to help my mom with getting her old job back and hiring a lawyer , but there really was n't much for me to do . | [
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i felt both relief and fear when it was finally time to drive back down to charlottesville . | [
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relief because i 'll have schoolwork to occupy my mind , and fear because i might run into nate on campus . | [
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foolishly , i had hoped that he would try to get in touch with me after my mom and i moved out , but he did n't . | [
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it really was stupid of me . | [
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